{ "dreamer": "b", "description": "Barb Sanders", "dreams": [ { "number": "0000", "head": "05/03/60", "content": "I had the neatest dream about Blake, me, Reta and Bill E." }, { "number": "0001", "head": "05/04/60", "content": "I had another neat dream about Blake." }, { "number": "0002", "head": "07/16/60", "content": "I had a dream that Nate came back and I felt just as I had used to!" }, { "number": "0003", "head": "08/04/60", "content": "For the second night in a row, I dreamed of Jon. He was trying to make an impression on me. He embarrassed me! Then I dreamed that Reta and I saw Blake in a restaurant and we went in and had a coke. Some kids were dancing and I was wishing Blake would ask me. He did. We bopped all over. When it was done, we sat down. He said, \"Your hair's messed up.\" I said, \"Oh, dear, not again\" (He had his arm around me). He bent to me and said, \"Yes-let's mess up a mustache\" and then he kissed me. The kiss was so real! Then I dreamed that Nate came home. I met him in S City at the bus depot. He was 6 feet tall and all muscles. He grabbed my hands and then threw his arms around me and kissed me,(All these dreams were when I was fast asleep). [BL]" }, { "number": "0004", "head": "12/02/60", "content": "I Didn't dream as last night before I woke up! I dreamed both Mitch and Darryl loved me." }, { "number": "0005", "head": "11/25/61", "content": "I had a funny dream. I had to choose between Darryl and Jon. Jon was real sweet but Darryl won out. Real psychological!" }, { "number": "0006", "head": "??/??/63", "content": "I had a Salvador Dali dream where I am in the VW bus with my parents and fire balls fall from the sky and land all around us like bombs. Things are melted on the desert landscape. It's out of proportion, with perspective lines off to a distant point." }, { "number": "0007", "head": "??/??/64", "content": "A red faced devil comes to me and is trying to hurt me very badly. I beg him to stop but he persists. I agonized with the pain and agonized that I don't want to hurt him, but I must. I force his head into an oven where the devil face gets redder and more inflamed with pain and heat. He screams with agony. I feel sick to my stomach with the horror of it all." }, { "number": "0008", "head": "??/??/66", "content": "I dreamt that Dovre was drowning in a raging body of water. I'm standing on the road/bridge next to her. I am looking down at her. There's rain and storm all around us, raging. I know I must dive in and save her but I'm afraid to because to do so will be my certain death. I walk on, leaving her to drown, feeling sick about it." }, { "number": "0009", "head": "??/??/68", "content": "A series of dreams about raging water, but I seem to be unafraid. One dream was me in a small boat going down a huge raging river, the water boiling up all around me and I am having a good time, enjoying the beauty of it all. Another dream involved a huge roiling waterfall. I think it is beautiful." }, { "number": "0010", "head": "??/??/69", "content": "I woke from a nap unable to remember who I am or anything about anything. It was a very intense and frightening moment (in duplex in C City)." }, { "number": "0011", "head": "??/??/69", "content": "I was sleeping and became aware of trying to wake up. I tried to open my eyes and look at the celery green paint on the bedroom wall. Then I became aware of two invisible spirits standing at the foot of my bed (also in duplex in C City). I was afraid and then they let me know, telepathically, they mean no harm. After a while, I wake up." }, { "number": "0012", "head": "01/05/74", "content": "Sex dreams. Warm body. Woke up. No one there." }, { "number": "0013", "head": "01/14/74", "content": "Loud dreams. I dreamed I bought a huge yarn shop somewhere in (state). It had a factory in the basement. The previous owners were evil. A big riot started. Acid, fire, terrible things. My sister Lydia appears in my dreams a lot lately. Sometimes she's my child." }, { "number": "0014", "head": "01/16/74", "content": "Dreams! I dreamt Fur understood my wanting to talk to Herman. I dreamt I went to the bank to pay my loan. There was lots of paperwork I had to surmount. I had Paulina; she messed her diapers. All kinds of detail hassles." }, { "number": "0015", "head": "01/17/74", "content": "Dreamt of IVs. Lots of waterfalls." }, { "number": "0016", "head": "03/16/74", "content": "I had a horrible dream. Howard was in a coffin. I yelled and screamed at his mom that it was all her fault. I kicked myself that I hadn't waited to become a widow rather than a divorcee in order to get the insurance. I woke up feeling miserable, the dream was so icky. [BL]" }, { "number": "0017", "head": "03/23/74", "content": "Last night, I had many dreams. I woke up afraid Dwight would shoot me. I think all my fears have gone underground and they're surfacing in the night." }, { "number": "0018", "head": "04/05/74", "content": "I've been dreaming this week of Howard." }, { "number": "0019", "head": "04/09/74", "content": "I'm dreaming about Howard every night. The dream starts by me going back to him. I always end up leaving again." }, { "number": "0020", "head": "04/12/74", "content": "I dreamt of Shannon." }, { "number": "0021", "head": "04/26/74", "content": "I dreamed a lot last night, almost nightmares trying to get away from Howard." }, { "number": "0022", "head": "??/??/75", "content": "I was chewing a huge sticky, grainy wad of gum and 5 or 6 teeth fell out into the wad of gum. I was horrified. I peeled the sticky mess out of my mouth and remarked that my teeth must be rotten and pointed to the huge spaces with a part of one remaining, showing how it was rotten. Fade. I had to burn my dulcimer and fiddle to be warm. It was an important decision. I didn't want to." }, { "number": "0023", "head": "10/14/75", "content": "I was in a hotel, in bed with a stranger. Her back was to me. I felt comfortable because it was a woman and I wouldn't have to worry about sexual demands. Suddenly, he turned and started to wrap himself around me (very large penis). There were feelings of anger and sexual pleasure together. He pinched my nipples. It hurt and I got very angry. Each time he'd pinch, I'd scream angrily, \"No! Stop it! Don't!\" He wouldn't listen. I pushed away. I ran downstairs out to the street. He followed in pursuit and tried to cajole me into wanting him. Now we were dressed. A crowd was wandering around. He asked me to dinner. He changed from aggressive to charming. I felt aloof but was interested. It is very vague at this point. There was more, but I can't remember." }, { "number": "0024", "head": "01/13/76", "content": "I had the freakiest dream. I dreamed I'm on a raft with a beautiful Indian guy and a small child. We fight rapids, waterfalls, etc. Finally we pull up on beach (grassy, nice). I'm suddenly making advances (kissing, French) on Ginny. I had the male role. I said, \"How neat, we can go off and do this any time and not have to wait for...\"(I assume men). This was accompanied by feelings of repulsion, guilt, no sexual feelings at all." }, { "number": "0025", "head": "01/27/76", "content": "I had a neat dream this morning about some nice guy. I hugged and enjoyed him." }, { "number": "0026", "head": "02/04/76", "content": "I had a crazy dream about the fire drill. I couldn't remember people's names and they got angry. Dead people came out of the basement. I sent them back." }, { "number": "0027", "head": "02/22/76", "content": "Lots of strange dreams. Twice I've dreamed that I fell for a married man. Twice I've dreamed I've hurt my foot badly. I'm worried I'm falling apart, physically." }, { "number": "0028", "head": "03/17/76", "content": "I dreamed about Nate." }, { "number": "0029", "head": "07/12/76", "content": "I had crazy dreams about giant bugs (ants were in my sleeping bag)." }, { "number": "0030", "head": "07/13/76", "content": "I had a strange dreams about Howard. He wanted back with me. I put my arm around him but it was a terrible effort. Then he started to kiss me and I pulled away, feeling sickened and disgusted. \"Don't ever touch me again,\" I said. I woke up feeling good that I can leave it, and sick that I spent 10 years with him." }, { "number": "0031", "head": "07/14/76", "content": "Bad dreams." }, { "number": "0032", "head": "07/20/76", "content": "I dreamed about Raul, gold shots, my mother, and Lydia." }, { "number": "0033", "head": "08/15/76", "content": "I had a delicious dream about spook (double check diary, it might be Spock)." }, { "number": "0034", "head": "09/06/76", "content": "Funny dreams." }, { "number": "0035", "head": "09/10/76", "content": "A nightmare about Howard. He's in bed with me and drooling at the mouth, etc." }, { "number": "0036", "head": "09/17/76", "content": "Funny dreams about black horses and Jeremy." }, { "number": "0037", "head": "09/22/76", "content": "I had a strong dream about Dan. I dreamt we were making love on the couch. He was on top. He was small and had difficulty getting it in, but he finally succeeded and it felt good. Then I was on top and he couldn't get it in and I helped him. He groaned in ecstasy when it finally worked. I kept getting my leg trapped between the couch and his leg. It hurt. I'd mention it and he'd move and it'd be all right." }, { "number": "0038", "head": "09/23/76", "content": "I've had this crazy dream. The kids were in the house. I was packing. Water emptied from leaks in the roof and elsewhere. I got on my blanket and clothes. I got in the pick up. Snow, deep on the ground. I was in a parking lot. I narrowly missed several cars. I parked next to a red car, jeep. A man was in it. The kids and I got in back. We went down the street. Passed school buses, slushy roads. I thought, \"What will he say when he sees them gone?\" Down a steep hill. In a house. I had to give man (cousin Abner or Nate) a shot. A two-pronged needle with red liquid. I know it will hurt him. I didn't want to but I had to. He yelled in pain. He turned on the bed, writhed around, and threw himself around. I snuck up and finished the dosage. He yelled in mock anger. He grabbed me. We tumbled to the floor. He started to make love, wildly, lovingly. Later at the table, an ugly woman with horrible eyes, glazed, hazy, and blue, came in. Said to him, \"So there's the louse.\" I gave her a straight look. I said, \"Just leave him alone!\" Anger. She steadily looked at me. Another woman, possibly my mother watched the tense scene." }, { "number": "0039", "head": "10/02/76", "content": "A crazy dream riding a horse. We go over cliff. Fearful long drop to huge water (like round butte). We survive just barely. The horse and I swim forever to safety. Off to a house. My father is a strange \"pervert\" strapped to a table. He used to be a woman but now he's a man. Two \"doctors\" are standing, peeking under the sheet at his penis. I catch glimpse of pubic hair, golden. The doctor says, \"Oh, don't let her see.\" I allow pervert to suck my breasts. I started toward orgasm, but felt uneasy, sick about it. Weird!" }, { "number": "0040", "head": "10/08/76", "content": "Rosemary called. She sounded blue. She and I both dreamt about each other and Elliot. My dream had lots of \"things\" cluttering it, sneakers, blue with brass. Orson written on sneakers, size 11. It looked like Nate's shoe. Dovre and I were packing to go to Alaska. We got there. Rosemary was crying, said she was pregnant and by Elliot. We felt miserable." }, { "number": "0041", "head": "01/28/77", "content": "I had a strange dream. Flying saucers were de-populating the surplus of losers on Earth. I tried to look at my watch. It was 1:30 (in the dream). I was awakened by the phone." }, { "number": "0042", "head": "01/29/77", "content": "I had a dream that I'd called Saul. His answering machine said, \"Hello, Barb...I love you.\"" }, { "number": "0043", "head": "04/16/77", "content": "I'm having strange dreams." }, { "number": "0044", "head": "11/16/77", "content": "Lots of dreams this past month. Kittens, casts on legs, and anger at Patsy." }, { "number": "0045", "head": "??/??/77", "content": "I was at cousin Patricia and husband Morton's house. They were showing me around the kitchen. It was huge. I remember a huge, carpeted room and a grand piano in the corner. Most luxurious. I thought, \"How totally rich to have a grand piano in the dining room.\" I looked and a dining room table, most fancy, appeared as I felt it should be there. I went into another room, large, spacious, with rich red tones. I asked to see Morton's \"sound room.\" I exclaimed at the cork on the walls, to sound proof the room. It was off-red tones. Traveled on to a \"green house\" room with high ceilings. Cut flowers, white, green, yellow, were up high on a ledge by a small sun light window on the ceiling. Vases, etc. were around the room. The house continued forever. I then tried to drive around. I knew myself to be in an old home town but couldn't remember the way; I kept passing the turn-offs. Driving, I said to myself, \"Oh, you missed the turn off. You're headed toward A City.\" Pete was in the dream and so was Aunt Elaine." }, { "number": "0046", "head": "??/??/77", "content": "In the house, I tried to \"move my things in\" unpacked. I said to Lydia, \"This desk...(off in a corner and filled with junk of hers, baby things). Feelings that I am intruding. Millions of Bic pens in the desk. I thought, \"Ah, I won't run out.\" Lots of \"junk\" crowded all over, messy room." }, { "number": "0047", "head": "??/??/77", "content": "Again, I am in a richly decorated room, a large bed. I am eating very sweet rolls, butterscotch on sweet rolls. I am suspicious of it. A man has been \"sent\" by another man to make love to me. I am vaguely aware of all this and I'm suspicious. A thought occurs that, \"Now it is OK. The sweets are fresh and not poisoned or drugged.\" The man leaves and the \"original\" man comes to me. A feeling of being pursued, not frightening. [BL]" }, { "number": "0048", "head": "??/??/77", "content": "Lynn and Barry came visiting. I was making coffee. I couldn't do it correctly. The coffee was called \"win\" and were in \"tea type bags.\" The water boiled. I put in the bag. It broke. I made very thick \"candy.\" I made the second one OK. I watched the pure water being colored. I took the mistake and the cup to Lynn and Barry. They looked a little annoyed. I apologized. I went back. I made another cup of coffee, correctly." }, { "number": "0049", "head": "??/??/77", "content": "I had a large swimming pool. Lots of people were around. It was a competition. I would dive off the deep end and slide all across, rip out, across the tile to the wall. They would measure the distance of my powerful dive. I won." }, { "number": "0050", "head": "??/??/77", "content": "I was sneaking onto an old freight ship. Negroes were being used as slaves. I hid under a table and put a \"rug\" over me to look like a \"pile of clothes\" even though I was in plain view. I snuck down to the engine room to get everyone out." }, { "number": "0051", "head": "??/??/77", "content": "I was home napping. A football hero came over to visit. I got up. I offered to help him fix something to eat. I found a box of macaroni and started to boil those. I was looking for something to go with it. All I could find in the cupboard were stacks of 1 layer, frosted cakes in boxes and cellophane bags. I looked in the oven, a pan of stewed tomatoes. I stirred it with a spoon (that had holes in it). It was not very effective. My brace was lumpy and mis-shapened. My foot hurt to walk. I was embarrassed. I tried to adjust the brace. I thought I had it on crooked. I went into an adjoining room and called to my mother. She was stepping out of the bathroom. The football guy walked by the door. My mother clutched her robe together, embarrassed, as part of her stomach was showing. I ask her what she had planned for dinner as I didn't want to use that. She said, \"Fish.\" I said, \"Ugh!\" Fade. Now I'm on a date with a young man, a sophomore. He's clean cut. We're walking down a street to get to his car." }, { "number": "0052", "head": "??/??/77", "content": "I was giving birth to a baby. I was on the \"table\" with green cloth draped over me. It was in a large room, like a gym. A nurse stood beside me. Another nurse stood behind her and a man stood behind her. The 1st nurse said to me, \"Don't be a baby. Stop making a fuss.\" The man \"wretched\" for me. It was his job. Suddenly, the baby started coming. I felt and knew I was bleeding. I pushed down and \"plop,\" the baby was born. \"My 4th one,\" I thought, \"so it was easier.\" I lay there exhausted. The doctor, who only stood there, didn't even catch the baby. For that matter, I didn't even see him. I just knew he had to be there. The nurse started to do the after birth things. The man pushed my table around fast, in circles. It made me dizzy and frightened. I cried out and clutched the table. They laughed. \"Don't be so silly,\" they said. The nurse then repeated it. She rushed me on the table across the gym to the opposite wall. I got off the table. They were taunting me. I walked back across the floor, determined to make it on my own speed, but knowing I shouldn't walk because I could start bleeding. I got back on the table. The child was placed on my lap, \"stomach.\" I looked at her. She appeared about 6 months to a year, sitting up. She had large feet, white paten leather shoes, a wide smile, teeth, and was in a dress. I thought to myself, \"I know I agreed to carry my Uncle Philip's (Dale really) child, but they at least could have given me a new born.\" I felt used. My parents came in. They had made the preparations for all this last night. They were apologetic for not telling me the whole. My mother confessed that she didn't even tell her sister, Aunt Charlotte about the child, and Uncle Philip in a letter even though Aunt Charlotte was asking her to intervene on her behalf with Uncle. I looked at the child and noted family resemblances to Lisa (a cousin), and \"Jolene,\" (another cousin). I felt cheated because nothing of me was in the child, like it would be if it were my child." }, { "number": "0053", "head": "??/??/77", "content": "I was in old living room in M City. A doctor of mine comes in. He says that I must be at an early morning panel discussion about some new discoveries about curing arthritis. My father and Dwight are sitting with us. The doctor says that the new discovery is latex paint. It causes a \"burning throat\" and this somehow cures arthritis. I am incredulous; he is full of enthusiasm. He says I must get up at 1:30 am to be at the discussion. I say, \"Wow! That's bad because then I also have to get up at 8:00 am for another meeting.\" My father says, \"Well, these difficulties must be met with in life sometimes.\" The doctor agrees. I ask if oil painting does the same thing. He says, \"No, only latex.\"" }, { "number": "0054", "head": "??/??/77", "content": "My cousin Sebastian and his wife are expected at family reunion. They arrive. Then I am happy to see them. We must go somewhere (a store perhaps) to get something. We are up in mountains. We go to the store. We take our animals with us. I have an affectionate, cute pig. I go to the back room in the building with Sebastian, his wife, the pig and the dog. The owners are a family. Warmth. Some kind of difficulty over the well being of pig is taken care of." }, { "number": "0055", "head": "??/??/77", "content": "A cat (male) mates with a rabbit (female). I am amazed that all the offspring look exactly like the cat. There are no rabbit characteristics at all. Something about genetic mutations. Hundreds of teats. Hundreds of kittens in a litter." }, { "number": "0056", "head": "??/??/77", "content": "Someone \"jumps\" or falls from a high bridge. As he lays dying, he keeps forcing himself to stay alive and repeats the name of the person who killed him, a \"k\" sound \"ke.\"" }, { "number": "0057", "head": "??/??/77", "content": "A story is unfolded in a \"court.\" A judge, male, fat, and cold, in a clothing store of some kind. Racks of \"lacy\" and \"painted\" dresses hang right next to jury. During the story, the one juror interrupts to say that someone wants to buy a dress. The proceedings are halted so that a dress is tried on. Lacy butterfly sleeves, a print skirt. The story involves a baby named Nancy (or Amort) who swallowed a peanut and started to suffocate. The air was cut off and she became a mental retard with a score of a \"little less\" than 70. Some man was keeping her as a pet and playing sexual games with her. The man was on trial." }, { "number": "0058", "head": "??/??/77", "content": "I received a package. There were lots of letters in it and a pair of frozen hands. I started reading the letters to figure out what happened. It was addressed to M. Ford. Apparently, a guy I had met there (blonde, blue eyes) had been sent to Vietnam and \"bought\" it. He had asked the army to send his hands to me so I could have new, transplanted hands." }, { "number": "0059", "head": "??/??/77", "content": "Howard was asking me to come back to him. I said no. I felt sad for him but I didn't want to give up my freedom." }, { "number": "0060", "head": "??/??/77", "content": "The kids were playing on a lawn. My mother was watching them. I said, \"It's nap time.\" We walked over to a room and put them down for a nap. I went across street to a motel and took a room. I was going to read the letter sent with hands but some cleaning persons were around. The blonde guy appeared to explain why he sent the hands to me. The army in the shape of a lieutenant came and inducted me as private. I laughed. They ordered me to march. I didn't take them seriously. I \"play marched\" around." }, { "number": "0061", "head": "??/??/77", "content": "I'm driving down the M City main street. Icy streets. I start to brake gently blocks away, to the turn corner. I'm very careful. I go to a corner restaurant. An older fellow is there named Charlie Charisma. Sometimes he ignores me. I order French toast, omelet, etc., hot chocolate. Dark woods in tables, rich place." }, { "number": "0062", "head": "??/??/77", "content": "As I was \"waking up\" from a nap, Ginny and Rosemary were perched on my bed. Ginny was doing Math. I watched her count columns, carry and write numbers as she figured and I said, \"You do math like me.\" She wasn't doing well. Then I got worried. I said, \"Oh Lord, I'm sure that I'm signed up for an intro to German class, but I forgot to go to any classes and it's late in the term. I'll flunk.\" I started looking through my filing cabinet for the register form. I saw some B'day cards scrunched in there. Rosemary said, \"Take those out.\" I had to see a boy standing on his head trying to say something but no one would listen. It was a B'day card to the devil. He had a grotesque red face, with huge reddish teeth. He was standing very large in a formal striped suit with a tie and carnation and a huge overcoat on. His coarse, snaky tail was draped around him. No fear. [BL]" }, { "number": "0063", "head": "??/??/77", "content": "I was back to teaching, wearing a full skirt like in the 1950's that billowed and swirled around me. I was in my classroom, reading through a \"reading\" book and getting ideas to teach with. I felt good and capable. Xmas themes in the book. I hear a child crying, \"Help! Help!\" I go out into the hall. Some little girl was trying to push open the doors to get out of the girl's room. She had enough strength to hold it partially open but couldn't get any further! I picked her up and soothed her. I walked her up and down halls, feeling a limp in my bad leg but glad I could pick her up and carry her. Three times I went past the editor's office. He came out and walked with me (the girl disappeared). We were looking over lists of concerts (rock). He said, \"You've probably not been to many.\" I said, \"Ha. I certainly have.\" He showed me his arm. Two rock groups were engraved in red on his arm. \"The Million Dollar Kid\" and the \"Crystal XXX.\" We strolled down the street. I told him how the people had kindly re-hired me and that I was feeling pretty good now and I could handle it." }, { "number": "0064", "head": "??/??/77", "content": "Fade. Kids and books (residue) from school still props in the dream but now I'm with a big, strong, ugly blonde guy. He's gentle and yet strong. He has a pickup. He gets me into the pickup (parked next to mine). He kisses my neck very softly. It's very sexy and sensual. I dig it." }, { "number": "0065", "head": "??/??/77", "content": "I am sitting around minding my own business and a young man (like Bob, coast guard) decides he likes me. He follows me around a lot; he decides he's in love with me. I am a little annoyed. He's like a puppy, always underfoot. He follows me around. His mom doesn't approve. Then I'm a member of a group of people (about 4 or 5 of us). We are sitting on a bench facing another group. We are diplomats/entertainers. A Prime Minister and his wife get up and dance a cute dance around. They are dancing the other group's native dance (like a minuet or country dance of England). I am watching. Then a guy (Howard/Arthur) grabs me and says, \"Here, it's like this,\" and he and I dance the dance. I hurt as I try the steps going up to the platform, and feel embarrassed. I get back to the bench. I am annoyed with him for not warning me so I could practice. Now I'm lying face down getting a massage, next to a woman like Bette Midler. We are talking. She asks if I was upset and I say, \"Ya, he should have given me time to practice, because I didn't like losing face.\" Then we're watching a guy called the \"Roman slave,\" dancing. He wears a Roman toga and a \"slave token\" on his ear, a ceramic painted stone on a leather thong. A man/woman dances around him. As the man/woman dances, he moves his finger subtly into the gesture of the \"finger.\" He puts the finger gesture of each hand into the belt loops, one marked \"h\" and threw the other marked \"f.\" It was done like a strip tease. The group screams and laughs in delight at his audacity and subtlety." }, { "number": "0066", "head": "??/??/77", "content": "3 women in a house. They were given pretty white \"ribbons\" for their hair. One wore a white gown, and threw the white ribbon down on the ground. She broke it. She said it made her look too old. Some male figure was bossy, angry. Indians attack. We hide and fight in the house. We make a run for the car (an old Model T). It has gas. We drive (flat tire), country side (orange leaves like of fall, but it's supposed to be desert-like)." }, { "number": "0067", "head": "??/??/77", "content": "Betsy helped move me in her car. She got upset because I spilled noodles on her car in the trunk. Moved to new house. Trying to move things in, dulcimer and fiddle. It was dark. I suddenly get nervous because I have no car. I have no way to get to school. I note a grocery store on the corner. I feel relieved but worry about money to buy food. My parents come by and ask if I need any money. A red house. I like it." }, { "number": "0068", "head": "02/04/78", "content": "I had the most incredible dream. I was back in the hospital only it was a sort of school. I'd just been informed that I was going to be executed at 9:00 the next morning because I'd not gone to a meeting. I was paralyzed with fear and the enormity of the injustice. My 2 roommates, also condemned, went home for the night to be with friends and family. I didn't have anyone special to go to, so I stayed. Someone (perhaps my alter ego), came to me and said, \"Come on, let's fight this. We'll go talk to them. They won't do it.\" We flew, over a muddy, cold, choppy lake. A lady in a helicopter was who we were to speak to. My friend advised me to speak confusingly, not good to be clear and direct. It didn't work. I was back in my room. The chaplain came in. He brought me a \"form 52, a form of protest\" to fill out. If I filled it out, they'd have to stop the execution and deliberate. He said, \"Sometimes it takes them 'til summer!\" [BL]" }, { "number": "0069", "head": "04/10/78", "content": "I had the craziest dream! I was piloting a very colorful space craft, purples and reds. My controls were an organ keyboard. I played some pretty good music. Dynamite colors and sounds. Vibrant." }, { "number": "0070", "head": "04/11/78", "content": "I had another strange dream, about kittens. The 3rd one. This one, I gave birth to 1 dozen kittens for their mother. I called her over. She moved them to a drawer nest, one bright orange one, one yellow one. I said they would be mine. The rest would be given away. They were cute, fuzzy, and playful. There was a puppy in this dream too. Strange. What does this symbolize to me? [BL]" }, { "number": "0071", "head": "04/24/78", "content": "Weird dreams. Spaceships. Running out of oxygen, a plant saved us." }, { "number": "0072", "head": "05/04/78", "content": "I had a complex dream. I was traveling back to the Coast to see someone important (the kids, I think). I kept trying to think of the name of the place. City X didn't fit; State Y seemed appropriate. I was traveling first by plane, then by train and then on foot. I remember dreaming saying, \"I'm in a Peyote dream\" I kept meeting E City people, all warm and strong. Rosemary said, \"You could always see deeper than me.\" Marty Ac and Jamie." }, { "number": "0073", "head": "05/05/78", "content": "More dreams. I was in a chair. 2 chair carriers, \"Curly\" and \"Nigel\" carried me to my new place of residence. They were warm and understanding. I was at the University. The administrator had chosen my new place. They carried me several narrow flights of stairs down to a basement. A door opened on my new room. It was fitted with MR's, CP's, and \"Cripples.\" I asked the name of the residence hall. They said it was the \"Handicapped and Cripples Home.\" I refused to go in. I said, \"I've got a brace and a limp, but I won't be shoved away like they are.\" I insisted they take me to the administrator. He was terribly busy. I persisted. Curly and Nigel brought student support people. I demanded to be heard. I said, \"It's not right. Some of these people can't get out of there into the sunshine.\"" }, { "number": "0074", "head": "05/13/78", "content": "I had a strange dream. Someone named Chuck Mahoney had made an album. It was bad. Someone said, \"Here's his second album. Isn't it lucky someone took a chance on him and laid the money down for a second try? It's really good, his second album.\" Then Raul and all the men from my past came in. I felt embarrassed. Then a man and a woman were facing each other. A question was asked of the woman. The man was fervently hoping she'd answer correctly in his favor, but she answered \"money\" and the man was very sad. He looked at me and said, \"In some cases, divorce is very good.\"" }, { "number": "0075", "head": "07/03/79", "content": "General during wartime." }, { "number": "0076", "head": "07/03/79", "content": "1800's." }, { "number": "0077", "head": "07/03/79", "content": "Unknown." }, { "number": "0078", "head": "07/03/79", "content": "Howard and his wife. I was drinking beer after beer, getting drunk. I was worried because I had to drive home (state)." }, { "number": "0079", "head": "07/03/79", "content": "I was in bed. My heart started pounding and then beating irregularly. My spirit came out of my body. I saw my bedroom (arched doorway). I flew out through the window and sort of hung around wondering what I was supposed to do next (Dying was like I was the camera and as I ascended, the room got smaller and more distant). I decided to visit some people. I went to Blake's office. He couldn't see me. I sat cross legged on the desk top facing him, close, eye to eye. He looked suddenly sad. He went to the door, closed it, came back and sat down. I \"enveloped him\" with my spirit. He felt very sad. Then I ascended and went to Nate at his shop. The same thing. Then I was in a cloudy sky going up. I felt a little apprehensive because I would soon be high enough to run out of oxygen. Then I remembered that I didn't need air. I looked up. I broke through the clouds and felt happy because I was going to live among the stars. They were beautiful, diamond points, in a black velvet sky. I came to an immense hall (floor only, no roofs or walls). This was heaven. There were 2 large buildings at each end of the halls. Libraries were there so we could pursue learning, seeing as how we'd be there for an eternity. I met a girl (possibly Laurie). I asked her what we were supposed to do. She just shrugged and pointed to a door. We could pick rooms to live in. We were placed in general areas so that as other people we knew on Earth died, they'd come to the same area so we could be together. I asked, \"What about people who remarried?\" She answered it was no problem, everyone got along together up here. There were viewers in the library so we could watch people on Earth. I entered a room. There were several shower rooms. My 3 girls were there. If you got in a shower, you were transported back to Earth to live out another's life. I started to enter a shower room. My 2 eldest girls, Dovre and Ellie, had gone in. Then my youngest, Paulina, suddenly changed her mind and veered into another shower room. I hesitated and then followed her because I was worried she'd get into a tough area. I was transported to the body of a young, pretty blonde woman in the process of drowning in a raging white water river. I felt a little aggravated because I'd have to die twice. Then \"we\" made it to shore. I was separated from my daughter. I met people who knew the girl and I tried to understand my new surroundings. There was a man, slightly evil, a harem keeper type. I woke up." }, { "number": "0080", "head": "07/04/79", "content": "Snakes in the undergrowth in my office. I asked Kathleen to get rid of them. Big boa constrictors." }, { "number": "0081", "head": "07/04/79", "content": "A bar. I went in. Several guys, musicians. I sat at their table. An older guy (like cook Dave) was telling stories. He mentioned the Quadriplegic Rodeo. I watched a \"cat\" that bumped into a jukebox (see drawing) that turned into a man on top and a woman on bottom. I walked through the bar stepping up on tables and chairs rather than going around them. Before that I had been riding a large deer with antlers. He was kind of wild and I kept thinking he'd turn on me." }, { "number": "0082", "head": "07/05/79", "content": "I was to teach a class in cooking. I had a sack full of papers, food stuffs, etc. I went to the office to see if I could make some schedule changes at the last minute but no dice. Sherrie said the recipe sounded good. She'd like a taste. She walked down to the classroom with me, Room 319. The same guy named Dave was teaching the same kind of class in the next room. I couldn't find my recipe card. I looked and looked. No students showed up. I suddenly remembered that I was to teach a laundry class next hour and I was not prepared at all. As I started cooking the meat, Eve called with list of names for a later club meeting. Sherrie was getting impatient. I felt incompetent. I then see the recipe card floating in a room of water. It is all soggy. I turn the meat over, and burn the card that was stuck in the oven door. I thought, \"I must restructure the furniture in the room as I can't get around well,\" (previous dream snatches, Tony and Nancy W. A guy like Dwight.)" }, { "number": "0083", "head": "07/06/79", "content": "Back at a place like uni house. The kids and I are going to see the movie \"Tell Me that you Love me Junie Moon.\" We get to the concert hall. I see some friends (blonde woman), and the kids go to sit by them. I look in a side room. A circle of people sitting in chair (regular ones) forming. I chat for a moment and then go to join my kids. I see an empty space behind friends. I must \"tightrope\" walk a bench (blonde wood). As I almost get there, my \"friends\" get up and leave like strangers (I had overslept and was late to movie). Now I'm at a house. It's late at night and dark. Fletcher walks in. I say, \"Hi.\" We talk. I say, \"So, on your way back to Hawaii?\" (He wore a Hawaiian shirt). He is surprised that I know so much about him. Generally he's cool and distant but when I read him right, he really looks at me. He starts to make love to me. He doesn't really care about me or how I feel. He has an orgasm. Then I feel an orgasm coming. He sucks my breasts. They are flabby and old. I am at first embarrassed. Then I don't care. I get in a dominant position and go for an orgasm. I kiss his ear. He is non-responsive. He's like Raul, but skinny like Elliot. [BL]" }, { "number": "0084", "head": "07/06/79", "content": "The kids and I are in a large building. The girls have sent away for \"spirits\" or witches. We are directed to a room. It is a rip off. The girls are disappointed. Dovre goes upstairs to complain. She comes running down the stairs worried. A witch has threatened her. The witch comes downstairs and says we must buy or she'll \"get us\" with other scary spirits. I say, \"Oh, yeh?\" I \"howl\" at the air to protect my kids and scare the spirits away. I'm a little scared myself. I raise up in the air and yell, \"Arrrr!\" Kathleen comes around the corner. \"What are you doing?\" I say, \"Looking to see if a lion comes at my kids.\" Then one comes around the corner, and I scare him. I raise up in the air and yell \"Arrr.\" The lion stops." }, { "number": "0085", "head": "07/06/79", "content": "Howard and I split up. He takes the kids. As he walks away from me, their backs are all to me. I feel badly. I see \"Drew\" walking ahead of them. He has \"given\" me some other kids in exchange. I say, \"No! I want at least one of my own.\" He finally agrees. I'm in a house. A group has arrived for a tour of a \"fire engine-bus.\" I show them the fine features of the swivel driver's seat. We're in a field. There are lots of busses, games, and ladies at tables. I ask why we're so far away from the house. They shrug. A janitor comes by and points to the clock. \"11:30,\" I say. \"Break for lunch. We'll reset up closer to the house after lunch.\" In the house, there are lots of papers piled on a bench. I move them." }, { "number": "0086", "head": "07/07/79", "content": "I was at work. It was hectic. It was the beginning of the new term.I was trying to work on a report. People running in and out. Malcolm asked me to lunch. I said, \"Yes,\" and then remembered I already had promised another person. I told her I couldn't make it, just as another woman came in my office to talk. Then the phone rang. A male voice said, \"What's for dessert?\" I laughed and started searching for my appointment book. I said, \"This time I'm going to find the time.\" Then Malcolm, girl and I went to lunch. I was cutting a journalism class. I felt guilty. I then decided it was OK. A guy with long hair and a big sombrero sat next to us. Malcolm made some snide comment. The lady \"sombrero\" we were with gave an indirect apology and explanation." }, { "number": "0087", "head": "07/07/79", "content": "I was giving a presentation at work. All the staff members were there. I finally was ready. People were getting their cafeteria lunches in next room. People were moving in and out. A few people were really listening. I was talking about disabled students at the community college. Halfway in the middle of the speech, people just got up and left. It was lunch time. They had things to do. I turned and a girl spoke to me. She was describing a terrible incident she had witnessed. I became a good counselor, drew her aside, noted that it was OK for her to cry and I listened well." }, { "number": "0088", "head": "07/07/79", "content": "I saw a \"sci-fi\" movie out of the corner of my eye. A godzilla monster tearing--" }, { "number": "0089", "content": "(07/07/79)---for shore a short distance away. He put out his hand and pulled me out. I turned to look at the pool. \"A crocodile, 1 of 2 on the place,\" he said, surfaced, bubbling water, with eyes bulging. He went under again. I went back to the house. Another brother came out. He said he would give me a ride since my chair was broken. I sat on his left, my arm around his shoulders. We drove on a narrow hall like a ramp in an amusement park house, crowded with doors, curves, etc. He said, \"Here's an interesting booth called 'the House'.\" It had a scale model of a huge house with many doors and windows. It was like an old tree. He sped up the chair as we approached a curb. We sailed over it and bounced. I smiled. Then I looked ahead. We went off the edge of a huge drop off, like an amusement ride, like the grand canyon. The pit of my stomach jerked. Instead of falling, he manipulated the chair so we \"free floated\" sideways in the air. It was fun. He was calm, somewhat detached. I felt branches gently touching the back of my head. I reached out and touched white blossoms on the tree. A nut fell in my hand. He guided the chair backwards to our jumping off point. At this point, I was sitting on his lap, facing him, looking up at his dispassionate face. We came to a stop on solid ground. I smiled and said, \"Wow. You know, would you believe that I'm usually afraid of heights?\" He made no response. I said, \"What is this I picked from the tree?\" He said, \"You picked a nut off the tree. Just don't try to pick my nuts.\" I laughed." }, { "number": "0090", "head": "02/19/80", "content": "A wedding. The guests were dressed up like for Halloween, Witches, etc. The bride came and stood at the alter. A male in drag, crying (fake), and exaggerating a coquettish female, came down the aisle (raked steps like the theater at the community college). He was the \"groom.\" Then after he got to the aisle, he took off his mask and was an usher. The real groom (male), came down the steps. The female minister in costume was replaced by a male, \"real\" minister. [BL]" }, { "number": "0091", "head": "02/19/80", "content": "I was in a house. Ants were crawling all over everything. I was appalled. \"Yuck.\" I tried to find way out without touching them. \"It's just like in that movie,\" I said. I opened the door and went out. There were lots of people. Then I was an ant (only still my real self). A large person (woman) came to contemptuously step on me. \"Get in that hole,\" she sneered. I was laying down and trying to squeeze under a post. I didn't fit." }, { "number": "0092", "head": "02/19/80", "content": "After the wedding, a friend and I were sitting in the auditorium. A good looking guy (minister) sat down next to me. My friend was talking to him. \"Oh,\" she said loudly for my benefit \"you're not married.\" I looked over at him and started talking and really looking at him. He was very nice, sympathetic. Then a bus, lots of people on another as it passed." }, { "number": "0093", "head": "02/19/80", "content": "Some one was injured. A child or a friend who was disabled. I was upset and frantic to find her. Minister had a speech problem. The angrier he got, the more he lisped and couldn't speak. He called on the phone to find out where the child was taken. We walked down a sidewalk. He said, \"She was taken to the Monastery. Can you handle it?\" I was explaining to him that I am a chameleon. \"I have one basic personality but I blend in comfortably with lots of different people types.\" I said, \"I can feel comfortable and make them comfortable, about Roman Catholics and about being conservative.\" He looked at me. \"You are conservative.\" He said. I was startled that he knew. \"How did you know?\" I said. Then we're at a big palace, his home. People were talking about me behind my back. I awoke with the phrase, \"A cripple for a Queen,\" being whispered. The minister was apparently the King of England." }, { "number": "0094", "head": "02/20/80", "content": "Rhonda, her husband, her \"Ricardo\" son, 2 1/2 yrs old and I were at a famous local actor's home auditioning. I did a good performance. The actor was very intense and liked my work. Rhonda was being supportive. Then the son became obnoxious and climbed all over the people and yelled and tried to break things. Rhonda had just adopted the child and didn't know how to handle him. She tried to coax him to be good. Her husband made a suggestion. She smiled and said, \"What a good idea. 6 o'clock him.\" I felt like I could handle the son with no problem and wanted to help Rhonda. The actor announced some times for rehearsal at the coast. I couldn't hear it clearly and noticed that Rhonda was taking notes." }, { "number": "0095", "content": "(02/20/80)[snatches of another dream] Very old beautiful pieces of cloth on chairs. An ancient woman owned them. Another woman was exclaiming about the beauty of the rare antique. I felt sorry that the woman couldn't live with them normally but had to move so they wouldn't be injured. I wanted them but realized that when the woman died, they would go to some other person because of blood lines. I was only a relative by marriage." }, { "number": "0096", "head": "02/20/80", "content": "A puppy like mine and another puppy (tan, cuddly, and small). I pick them up because they almost get run over. Then I put them down so they can run away. A man watches. The puppies turn into cats. He picks up one, an orange stripped one. The man is warm, watching. I feel a little badly about just letting the animals go to find food and a home on their own." }, { "number": "0097", "head": "02/25/80", "content": "Some heavy journey in the wilderness. Then, a young girl in a white satin bride dress comes into my shop. Everything is white. She is snotty and doesn't like me. She then goes into the next section of my shop, all white tablecloths, glasses, etc. She sits on red velvet. I think, \"How beautiful.\" I then go to get in my car that I have finally gotten from my brother. It's a blue and white '55 Chevy with a continental kit. It's in good shape. It's punch hooked beautifully all over the outside. Both of my brothers are in the enormous backseat. Dwight is laughing and saying that the bride's brother doesn't want to marry me, but his family will force him to. He teases me because he knows I want to marry this guy. I think, \"Hum, it could be interesting if we married,\" like it would be a challenge to get him to love me. I then tell Dwight the car is his. He grins and gets into the driver's seat. We start going. I grab at a styrofoam cup with coffee, cigs, ashtray, etc. and put them in my lap. I am sitting on a car seat that is sideways to the rest of the seats. Hot wax (pink) spills on my pant leg. Dwight drives us to a \"turn-out\" on a bridge that over looks the town of M City main street." }, { "number": "0098", "head": "02/25/80", "content": "Patsy wanted to show me something. Had a question. It was important. I went to a side room and knocked on the door. A man was inside (black). I had a lot of respect for him. Then as I opened the door, I saw that he had enormous, hard wood, tall (10 feet), pieces of furniture (grandfather clocks). At first I said, \"I'm sorry to bother you. I'll only take 5 minutes.\" Then I exclaimed, \"Oh, you have the clocks. They're not lost.\" I looked at one small one on a cabinet and admired the intricate inner workings. He smiled. I asked him my question. He helped me. It was a warm and gentle relationship. He was sitting on a bed. Then another man came in. He loved me. Patsy put a mortar board graduation hat on my head. He smiled. I said, \"I got another degree, my master's, no, a second degree.\" I was sitting on the bed. He kissed me. I layed down. The hat wouldn't stay on. We agreed to get married. The door opened and Patsy was leaving. A third man looked in. He was sad because I wasn't marrying him." }, { "number": "0099", "head": "02/25/80", "content": "Previous to another dream from Feb. 25, I dreamt of cats in a room. I went to them or they went to me." }, { "number": "0100", "head": "02/26/80", "content": "Howard came at me with a knife, a kitchen knife, with a wooden handle, right for my jugular vein. He was very angry and hurt. I felt afraid. I also felt empathy for him. I was obstinate and always had to get my way." }, { "number": "0101", "head": "03/04/80", "content": "Paul McCartney and my \"friends\" were on one side of a room, and the Arabs were on the other. A chain link fence was between us but there were gaps in it. Paul started yelling insults and taunts at the Arabs. I said, \"Stop it.\" I stood up and walked to him. The Arabs started yelling back and coming into \"our\" side of the room to fight. I was in the middle; I made them go back. Paul and the others started up again. I again tried to stop them. One Arab thanked me. Then, they all started again and I gave up. It was too big. I gathered up some things and left the room. Now I was in the hall. I said, \"I want to get away, where there's no people.\" Paul said, \"You want to go camping?\" I'm not enthused. I want a fireplace, etc. My father said, \"You can go somewhere remote, if you can handle traveling over the Texas desert.\" I ask if we can go where there are no hunters. I don't want to get shot. [BL]" }, { "number": "0102", "head": "03/19/80", "content": "Some guy named Miles is in his mother's sleazy bar. I come in. Miles' eyes are ugly, burnt brown, whites, ridges where it should be smooth, pale, watery, no teeth. He's an alcoholic. I feel repulsed but feel sorry for him. I agree to marry him, knowing I don't want to. I keep trying to see him as handsome. After a struggle, he has teeth, healthier hair, and his eyes are normal. We leave for our honeymoon. I see a lake, green, smooth, calm, with living trees under the water. It's a complete forest. Several people are fishing at the edge. \"No beach,\" says I. We go on." }, { "number": "0103", "head": "03/19/80", "content": "A dinosaur. I am on its back. A large beautiful snake, green and shiny, with gold threads, is its driver. I must hold on to her head just behind the jaw to keep from getting bit and to control where to go. She tries to bite me. I have to be very strong to keep her under control. I am struggling hard and I almost can't do it. She turns to look at me and says, \"'Little girls' shouldn't (or couldn't) do this.\" [BL]" }, { "number": "0104", "head": "03/19/80", "content": "Howard and I are at a campsite. I say, \"Hey, let's talk about the kids and not always fight.\" He agrees. It was friendly. There was a slight sense of me being on guard. Howard was standing near the open door of the cab of the red pickup. I was standing near him. Chuck sees him and comes up. \"Oh, who's this?\" he says curiously. \"This is my ex-husband, Howard.\" Chuck looks at me like, \"Shall I protect you?\" I look at him like, \"No, it's O.K.\"" }, { "number": "0105", "head": "03/19/80", "content": "Later, I'm being chased by people in 4 helicopters. They are trying to shoot me. I get on top of a green airplane just barely larger than my body. I lay down on it so it and I are the same configuration. I control the speed with my hands on the prop. We fly over a big shiny lake. I look back. Two men run and jump into the lake to escape the helicopter. They land head first in shallow water from the waist to the feet. They are out of the water (standing on their heads) I go over a mountain, calling ahead to get permission of the airport to land quickly. At first they refuse. I have to wait my turn, heavy traffic. I tell them this is an emergency. They say, \"O.K., you'll have 10 seconds between planes.\" I then get inside the plane. I think, \"No, I don't want to, I feel trapped,\" but then I decide to because I would have metal around me and the chair back to stop bullets. I land. Then I'm in a huge house sort of like M City, only there are lots of windows everywhere (like at in-service old club house). I tell people, \"Duck down, or you'll get shot.\" A mixture of people are there. Chuck, Dylan and lots of young college age women. One young woman wants to know what's going to happen to our deal over the yarn if some of us get shot. I am impatient with her. I say, \"If I get shot, the yarn's yours, O.K.? The rest we'll worry about later.\" I go downstairs. Two Seans come in, nonchalantly. [BL]" }, { "number": "0106", "head": "03/19/80", "content": "I'm in an old time car (like a van). I am an old woman. My \"sister\" and I are being taken away. I create a diversion and jump from the moving car to the road to get help. I land on my feet by a fenced cow pasture. I start hitchhiking. Someone going in the wrong direction for me sticks their nose in the air and won't turn around to help. The next person stops to help." }, { "number": "0107", "head": "09/29/80", "content": "I have a date with Hank. I think it's strange that he asked me out. I ask him something about the counseling program at the University. He gives me a cold, straight look and says he's not going to be a counselor. I ask, \"Why not?\" He says because they told hime that he won't make a good counselor. He should go into some other business. We agree to go to a movie. We start to go, but something prevents it. Then Bonnie and I are preparing for dinner to give my parents. I am helping to get the food on the table. I say, \"Well, at least I cooked the chicken...well, not exactly cooked, but I bought Kentucky Fried Chicken.\" I felt guilty and shrugged my shoulders to my mother. My father gave me a cold hard stare. He started talking to me in a low, strong monotone. There was a background of scary music like a killer stalking me. He told me I never did anything, to get out. Couldn't I at least even make my mother a cup of coffee? He went on and on. I was scared and started packing to leave. He had suddenly gone insane. He kept talking in that low voice. Bonnie and I left. He couldn't handle my disability. He kept referring to it. I went downstairs. I saw Lee (from uni house) lounging in a chair. I told Bonnie to wait a minute. I apologized because I couldn't make our date before. He had graying whiskers. I asked him to listen for sounds from above him (upstairs) to see if my father was hurting my mother and if he heard scuffling or hitting he was to go stop it. He said, \"O.K.\" I felt guilty for not staying myself, but I felt afraid and didn't think I could help. I then went down the hallway. To the right was a pond or lake. My parents were in it. White haired. My father was pushing my mother under with one hand on top of her head. I saw the air bubbles and then just before she drowned he let her up to say mean things in that voice. \"Had enough? Can't breathe? Don't be mean to me, that will teach you.\" She'd say, \"Uh,\" and go under again. She hardly had time to take in a breath. She looked like me, only she had white hair. I then ran down the hall and called out, \"Help, police.\" I called out to a lot of men out on the hill in Grandma Mildred's backyard. \"Help Chuck! Help, Dylan! Help, Tyler! Come quickly! They slowly walked over to me and asked what was the matter. I asked them to stop my father. They looked around slowly. Then I went back inside and got the phone, an old time black one. It rang instead of a dial tone. I was in a \"second best\" living room at V's farm. I asked the old woman sitting across from me what was the matter with the telephone. She shrugged. \"It always does that.\" The operator finally answers. She was very non-caring. \"What do you want?\" She asked. I said, \"Connect me with the state mental institution. My father has gone insane.\" My father was staring at me in a cold, hard way as I said it. The music was there. She said, \"They are closed.\" I looked at my watch. It was 1:10 a.m. I said, \"What shall I do?\" She said, \"Oh, have him go out, downtown, and then if he hurts someone, the police will throw him in jail.\" I was appalled. I repeated that remark to a group of people in the room like I couldn't believe my ears at the non-preventative approach. The crime had to be committed before help could arrive. I hung up. Then I called the operator back. I asked her to connect me with Jim B. at the University. She told me a pleasant story how she went to school in Wisconsin with his wife, and then connected me. It rang and rang but there was no answer. Then I was aware of fear and that music from the phone. My father's voice said, \"Hello, or Ya.\" It was very cold and menacing. I started to explain, \"I am Barb Sanders. I went to school 2 years ago, do you remember me?\" A long oppressive silence, the music. I went on to explain that I needed his help to get my father into a state mental hospital because he went gone insane. I put my hand over the receiver and asked Bonnie to peek into the other room to see if my father was on the extension. She said he was. I knew then I had been cut off. My father came back in the room and stared at me, cold and hard. The rest of the people, Lee, Bonnie, and the old woman, started to go to sleep. I felt tired and sleepy too. I felt fear because they were all going to go to sleep and I'd have to face him alone and I grew heavy with exhaustion." }, { "number": "0108", "head": "10/14/80", "content": "Howard is driving a beat up VW bus. His wife Karen, the kids and I are in the bus. I am the in passenger seat. I see Howard going to sleep as he drives. I am angry. I yank the driver's seat from him. We argue. He is on a bended knee next to my right side, trying to get close to me. I feel very closed in, rigid. Karen pleads with me to see his need to drive and to be close. I'm angry and I argue that it's best for me to drive and that I don't like him anyway, so there! The brakes are weak and I have trouble stopping or slowing us down when it is needed. [BL]" }, { "number": "0109", "head": "10/15/80", "content": "I was sitting/lying open position on a table top with a kitten on my tummy. I was looking open and sexy. A man was looking at me. He and his 3 brothers were paid by my father (a rancher) to protect us from some evil bunch of ranchers who had huge Clydesdale horses that pulled a big wagon. It was night. I kept seeing the shadow of these men riding by in the night on patrol. The guy got up and came to me all agitated and begged me to kiss him. I got coy and turned my head and said, \"No!\" This happened three times. He loved me and I teased him. Then later, there was a terrible train wreck, cars, the Clydales, everything destroyed. The evil one was trying to hurt me. I married this man who loved me. I was ill or something; I couldn't remember that I had kids. 5 kids came by and someone said, \"These are yours.\" 3 redheads and 3 blondes. One of the children said, \"And Paulina died.\" I was shocked and hurt. The child who said it looked like he felt badly for having blurted it out. It was like I had been mentally ill and was coming out of it. Later, I had some warm feelings for this man and we hugged." }, { "number": "0110", "head": "10/16/80", "content": "I was on stage with lots of people. I was sitting at a small table with 3 or 4 people. The rest were on risers, facing the audience. A woman in the group turned to another woman and started picking on her verbally. I didn't like it. I stood up and placed my body between them and faced the one who was attacking. I shook her shoulders and said, \"Stop it. I'm tired of this and I want you all to stop now!\" Then, we all sang for the audience. I was standing in front of the group. I sang with the group. Then I had a solo. It was beautiful; 1 long, high, clear note. I got a standing ovation. I was looking at the audience wondering if it were a standing ovation, or if they were leaving because it was the end of the play. A very tall red headed man, shy, came over to me. He was naive. He wanted to kiss me. I was amused. He would bend way down. The kiss wasn't very satisfactory. He kept trying different ways. Finally, I got a little exasperated that he wasn't figuring it out fast enough, so I reached out and hopped up and wrapped my arms around him. It was a very satisfying, sexy kiss. I could feel his penis, hard and I thought, \"Oh, it's small.\" Maybe I should stop before it goes any further." }, { "number": "0111", "head": "10/19/80", "content": "I was teaching a young man to play the trumpet, even though I don't play one. I showed him how to play a clear note. Then I played a song. I was good. Some man of importance was watching. Then the volatile girlfriend of the young man came looking for him. She was very emotional. I followed them upstairs and hid in the closet to overhear. Then I felt badly about not being open, and came to them, like a counselor. He asked me to stay and listen. I did. The situation then cleared up. The girl and I went down steep stairs (like in the theater), and sat on stools. Mine was high. We hoped no one would question us because we had no tickets. Earl came by and handed his tickets at us thinking we were ushers." }, { "number": "0112", "head": "10/19/80", "content": "Later, I had a confrontation with an authority figure (I think it was me). I had something I was going to trade for the coral pillow that was directly connected with my mother's \"enslavement.\" He had her under his power (like blackmail) as long as he had the coral pillow. He said, \"You want all of it?\" I said, \"Yes.\" He said, \"O.K.\" Then I was driving. Some one is with me (a young man, I think). I take a new path. It's like I was saying to myself, \"Ah, ya, I'm free now. I can break the old habits and take a new path. I felt scared, like he would disapprove and I'd get in trouble. Then over a rise, I saw the ocean from a new perspective and it was beautiful. Then I went over the rise. The path was so steep, like a cliff. I made it. There was a table in the ocean. Some person had his head in the \"sand.\" On the table was an old faded silk pillow with a picture of a leopard on it (like my needlepoint pillow). I felt blocked by this man, but then I just reached out and took the pillow and gave it to my mother (the man and my mother were also me). I felt very free and exhilarated." }, { "number": "0113", "head": "10/21/80", "content": "A man had a newborn baby with him. It was very small. I felt great caring for the baby. I nursed it and cuddled it. The man took me to his house. It was the wee hours of the night. His wife came out of the other room and looked at us. The man was a picture of guilt. I bluffed my way through, trying to think of logical reasons why I was there and looking calm and collected. I felt guilty also." }, { "number": "0114", "head": "10/21/80", "content": "I was throwing papers away in a box. A fire started in the box (hot stuff in papers created coals and sparks). My needlepoint canvas caught fire. I hit it with my hand to put it out. Then, I had a glove on. I got the fire out. Then I saw that my guitar was on fire, at the heads. I took a towel and smothered the fires. I noticed my banjo was lying on the floor under the guitars and was unharmed. I looked at it. Then I saw a fire place with a roll of butcher paper stuck in it (like my class is doing life-lines on). The paper was on fire. I took out things I didn't want to burn. Then a rack of clothes, lots of them, were beside the fireplace. I told my mother, \"These are old and out of date. I think I'll throw them away.\" She was shocked. \"You could fix them up.\" I said, \"I hate to sew.\" She was more shocked and angry. \"Why didn't you tell me that when I was younger? Then I wouldn't have bought you material and stuff,\" (that I had asked for). I said, \"At that time I was trying to like it, but everything I sewed looked bad, seams were uneven, stitches were showing, zippers were uneven, etc.\" Lydia held up a mauve dress for a 1 yr old. She said, \"Here, I've outgrown this, you can have it and maybe fix it.\" I said, \"No, It won't fit me or my girls. I have no use for it.\" She was annoyed with me." }, { "number": "0115", "head": "10/22/80", "content": "I'm in a pool of water. My oldest daughter Dovre, is with me. She has 3 air mattresses she is laying on; she keeps rearranging them. One has a nice texture, another goes inside the outer layer of the other. I'm on an air mattress too. I float to the shallows. There is a large house near by. I say that I'm really tired. I don't want to go to the \"thing\" tonight. \"Maybe I'll go and take a nap and later we can go.\" She agrees. I go to the house. I'm in the kitchen and my cousin Darcy is upstairs. She screams and runs down to us. We go upstairs because we can't understand what she is telling us. She points to a bed covered with blankets and clothes. The electric blanket on top keeps sparking. She's frantic about that spark. \"It will start a fire.\" I calm her down and she leaves. I look at the dresser against the wall behind the bed and it's covered with clothes, things. I sigh because it will take a lot of work to put it all in order and pack it. I start downstairs and an old woman, the landlady, is at the bottom coming up to see what all the fuss is about. I talk to her as I descend. Then I notice a few people sitting around and standing in my living room. Now it's a cocktail party. Everyone has name tags. A balding man stops me and introduces himself and says,\"Hi.\" He knows Verna the librarian and he just wanted to say hi. He says something else but I don't hear it. I pretend I understand and nod hoping I made the right response. There are 3 or 4 couples on or near the couch. I go over there. A reddish-haired guy comes down the stairs playing detective. He's sleuthing for his birthday present. It is some family custom of my neighbors that are somehow in-law related to me. He finds a cardboard box with record albums in it, alphabetized with ABC indexes. He pulls one out and hands it to a woman, his mate. He says the name of it and shrugs and says, \"I'd give it a 9.\" She's a little put out at him. What if the giver of the present were around. They'll have hurt feelings. His name is Gary. Then the other couple's cardboard boxes appear on their laps and they do it also. I am there but not a real part of the group." }, { "number": "0116", "head": "10/25/80", "content": "I was in our house in M City. I was in bed in my bedroom. I was suddenly remembering that I had hidden some letters and papers I had written long ago. That could help me understand. They were hidden in the side corners of the mattress. Near the bed, I saw some old books from my childhood. I picked up \"Little Women\" and was glad to find it. Then I started ripping off a cloth rectangle \"label\" of the corner (side of the mattress). I felt in there. At first I thought, \"This is silly. There won't be anything there.\" I felt mattress stuffing. In the background, I sensed my mother. Then I found a letter, then some more letters, pads, and paper. I was so happy I had hidden them a long ago, and now I had them and they would help me. Then I went down to the swimming pool in M City. I walked well, no limp. I marveled at my cure. Still had limp muscles but felt I could fix them with a few days of exercise. I went into the women's dressing room. I knew I was going to see Darryl. I changed, a 1 piece black swim suit. I looked down at myself. My body was 37 years, breasts were sagging, etc., but still looking pretty good. I stepped to the door and showered. Then I felt my old anxieties well up and constrict my throat. I felt frozen. Then I smelled the strong odor of \"chloroform,\" no, \"chlorophyll,\" no, chlorine. I realized that was what was doing it. It had triggered an old memory. Then I felt O.K. I went in and marveled at how the swimming pool had changed. It was Olympic size, with lots of ladders and things to play on. I got in, marveling that it was easy now, that I was cured. I swam toward the deep end, not in excellent form, but O.K. 2 men were there from my old high school days. 1 was an old friend, the other was Darryl. He saw me. I smiled. He recognized me. His teeth were blackened out, some of them. He had changed too. He came over to me and the old feelings were there. We played in the water. We'd go underwater, laying one on top of the other and kiss. It felt good. We'd come up for air and roll over to reverse positions. Then I saw that newborn babies were being brought to their parents to have a snack and enjoy a swim with them. 1, dark haired, dark eyes, stared at me and I at him. I thought, \"Huh, how large their heads are.\" Then Darryl and I agree to meet after we get out of the swimming pool. I had by this time chosen to ignore this other guy. I \"gave him up.\" Then I'm back in the shower room, feeling happy and excited about meeting Darryl. Some of the \"girl\" cliques start asking me questions. I reminisce with them. I tell them an amusing story about Darryl. They invite me to go to a party at a nice house. I think maybe I'll go. I don't like them, but they are the \"in\" crowd. I think maybe I'll bring Darryl along. Somehow this is slightly shocking and I laugh to myself because it's fun." }, { "number": "0117", "head": "10/29/80", "content": "I was in the bathroom of a large department store, sitting on the toilet. It was crowded. People would peek in. There were two men in the lobby area by the sinks. A woman questioned them and they laughed. They were really women dressed like men. Then I saw George Hamilton, a star, come in. He came over to me and peeked in. I was a little embarrassed because my butt was showing. I got up and he wanted to hug me. That was O.K. He suggested we go to his hotel room to make love. I said, \"No, I don't want to,\" because I wanted him to care for me, or be caring and then the sex would be good. He looks like, \"Uh, oh. She wants to get married.\" and I said, \"No, it doesn't mean we'll be together forever, just that when we're together, I want to feel close, cared for.\" He agreed and so I agreed to go to his room. At first, I just give in. I was kind of angry and then I really want to. We went to his hotel suite, many rooms. He's a big star and it was between performances. Then, he really began caring for me and he said, \"Goodnight,\" and kissed me. He was going to take me home or let me go home. I say, \"Hum, that's sweet, but I'd really like to stay.\" He was glad. We then heard other people in another room. Kids were using the communal kitchen from the other apartment. He had a round piano, very pretty, in his room. It was a small room. Then, there were lots of people around us and we were in a living room. He was then feeding a baby baby food and I had nothing to do. I wandered around aimlessly. I then said, \"I can do that, let me.\" He didn't want me to do anything, because he cared for me. Then I had the bowl of baby food and I was feeding the baby, only then I realized I was feeding myself. I was a little embarrassed for being selfish. Then I went away. I then saw a bunch of Indian men. I went to them and said, \"Did you know that Indian men are more useful and important than white women?\" They were a little angry and then agree. I keep repeating that. Some women heard and also agree. Then I asked the Indian chief to teach me. He showed me an intricate way of holding a metal thing, like a wrench or a peace pipe. I didn't get it right and then I get it." }, { "number": "0118", "head": "11/04/80", "content": "I was a lion cub, trying to hide from a big gorilla that was going to hurt me. I would try to squeeze myself under furniture but he'd still see me. I felt very afraid. A baby monkey would then be near me and his father, the gorilla, would look for him and that would lead him closer to me. Then I was the baby monkey and my father was after me. [BL]" }, { "number": "0119", "head": "11/04/80", "content": "Later, I was bleeding and hurt. Co-worker Tyler and the student associates were pushing and pulling at me in a hurtful, hateful manner. I raged at them to stop. There were mirrors and broken glass." }, { "number": "0120", "head": "11/04/80", "content": "Later, I'm in a department store. Thea is the sales lady. I'm looking at a package of something, maybe sewing patterns. She asks me to get some zippers off the rack and bring them to her. She keeps talking about how the boss keeps asking her if she needs this tool or that tool and she'd say yes and he'd buy it for her. Now she has hundreds of these zippers, she complains, and in the same breath would say, \"And we need them, don't we?\"" }, { "number": "0121", "head": "11/04/80", "content": "Later, I'm at a hotel to go to an Iron Duchess conference. My father is there to help me carry in my suitcase etc. We are at the bar, at the check-in desk, and I say, \"I'll meet you in the bar downstairs; I'm going to go see if the people are here yet.\" The way to get to the bar downstairs is to drop down from the level I'm at now. I'm walking. I sit on the floor and then hang on the edge and let my body swing down. I'm afraid to let go because it's quite a drop. I'm afraid I'll hurt myself, my ankles. I look for a bartender or someone to help me, but no one. I let go and land on my right foot. I'm surprised that it didn't hurt. I look around and then I see the conference room and Rochelle. She waves to me. I'm a little embarrassed because I'm walking (so I sit on a couch with another woman). I see B. B. and she welcomes me and introduces me to Jim D, only it's a woman. They laugh, \"Ha, ha,\" a funny joke. I shake my head. \"Boy, I'm sure slow today. I just heard the intro and believed it.\" We all laughed. I say, \"Well, I'll be back. I'm going to see what's keeping my father and where my room is etc.\" I was thinking, \"I sure hope none of them are my room mates,\" (some are lesbians). I go back to the bar to find my father. He's nowhere in sight. There are lots of guys (B. B. comes with me). They are looking at us. I make a big show of looking for my father so they'll know what I'm doing. Someone keeps whistling at me (not a wolf whistle), so I think, \"Maybe it's Dad,\" and I continue to look around. Finally I figure out that he's still upstairs, so I go to the elevator, conscious of all the distance I'm walking. I get back upstairs and he's waiting for me. He'd taken my suitcase to my rooms for me. I was glad to find him. I was feeling worried about him as though he were a lost kid and might be afraid." }, { "number": "0122", "content": "(11/04/80)(Before this dream) There is a baby. Someone has it. I take it. It is a baby girl. I think I should put a hat on its head to protect it. I hold it and coo at it. Then my father and I are walking down a hall. I have the baby. A woman and a 3 year-old girl are walking ahead of us. The girl wants a toy. The woman says, \"O.K., I'll get you a toy, lots of toys.\" Then she thought and said, \"Only maybe the toys should be supplied by the child welfare division as that's where you're from. Yes, we'll wait and they will provide the toys.\" The girl felt very sad and I felt very sad. I looked at my father and he looked at me. We both knew the lady was wrong. We knew that because my mother had worked at the child welfare division. The woman looked at me and I shook my head no. \"You're wrong,\" I say. \"You should buy the toys.\" The woman and girl were getting into the elevator. She looked annoyed and caught." }, { "number": "0123", "head": "11/06/80", "content": "A conversation between 2 women, both myself, I think. One said, \"Look. See, she told me about it.\" The other laughed and said, \"Oh, ya?\" She didn't believe it. I was a little embarrassed, like being caught in a little white lie. I said, \"Well, anyway, she showed me...sort of...in an indirect non-verbal way.\"" }, { "number": "0124", "head": "11/06/80", "content": "I was going to sail away on the blue ocean. My wheelchair was attached to the ship like a dingy rowboat (life raft?), and I was navigating the surf, the shallows from the land to the deep blue ocean. I was aware that this was the dangerous time of the voyage. My chair was heavy and might get water logged and sink us all, but after we were on the deep water, the chair would be the important and safe power source for the ship." }, { "number": "0125", "head": "11/06/80", "content": "The children and I were in a room. I was picking up my knitting and pulled a thread out. I was annoyed and then shrugged my shoulders. \"Eh! I'll just rip the whole thing out and do it over again.\" I then saw I was close to completing it. I decided to try to salvage it. I started looking for a small piece of yarn of the same color (off-white). I was holding the knitting gingerly so I wouldn't snag it further and really unravel it for good. The kids were in the way and not being helpful. I was slightly angry with them, at Ellie for not helping, and at Paulina for having taken some of the yarn. I would \"almost\" find it and then it would change and not be the right shade. I then looked over at some goats frolicking in a yard. I said, \"Oh, look at the one dancing on its hind feet, standing up.\" Someone laughed and said, \"That's some goat. It's a small human man.\" I then saw that it was. He and 2 others like him came over to the door. I looked down at them and chatted, thinking how good I was to not be unduly upset about their \"disability\" or strangeness. I was then aware of some conflict in a bar. My brother Dwight was in trouble. I went over there to help my brother. The small man followed me. Dwight was being told he had to give the bartender some money. The bartender was my cousin Terence. He was a bad man (the bartender). I argued for Dwight and threatened the bartender like a lawyer. I had no evidence but I bluffed that I could get him thrown in jail, etc. He persevered. I then saw a trapeze bar with a metal sort of door handle on it. It was a game. If you could jump straight up and hit it with the end of your cane (or stick) 35 times, you won lots of money. I did it 33 times and a couple more for good measure. I was aware that that was pretty good physical activity for my ankle joints being in the condition they were. I took my note (a card with a hole punched in it), over to the bartender and asked for my money. I was proud of my accomplishment. He started to renege, but I pointed out that I had witnesses to my accomplishment. He was angry, but agreed reluctantly to get the money." }, { "number": "0126", "head": "11/07/80", "content": "I was in a marathon road race. I was back in M City, wearing a cute cheerleader outfit. My running partner was Reta, an old high school girl friend. I was exhilarated because I was in this race. I figured I wouldn't finish but at least I could do a segment and then someone else would finish for me. We ran through the paths on L College campus. It was pretty, I was pretty and I didn't hurt. Other girls in the race were amazed at me that I could run. It felt good. We stopped at my old dorm for a drink of water. I looked in at my old room. A man was there. He came out for a chat. Then I remembered the race and we went on. I went on, feeling a little slowed up by Reta, but not too annoyed because I enjoyed being where I was. Then I looked up and a large black lion was running toward me. I got a little scared, and layed down on the path on my back so the lion wouldn't see me and hurt me. He ran close to me and around me and I was very tense. Then there was a second one with a black head and checkered body. They finally left. I got up and ran some more. A girl went by and said, \"When you want your replacement, just let them know. I grinned. I decided I was going to go to the finish. Reta was slowing me up. I was annoyed now and kept asking her to pick up her pace. I lengthened my strides. It was hard work then, but I did it. We get to the downtown section of M City. We are near the finish. We then go through the old grade school. We can't find the door out. I think I know where it is, but it's gone now. Then we find it. I then see a store. A man is there. He's the owner of it. I go on. At this point I'm lost. I can't find the finish. I get angry and anxious. I see an information booth. They are having a bake sale. I ask a woman there for directions. She pulls out pamphlets and we talk. I feel time passing. She says, \"Ah, you need to go to Rose's place,\" (a drug store cafe). I say, \"O.K., Reta, let's go. If you can't keep up, I'm going on without you.\" Now time and the race are more important than her or the enjoyment or the nostalgic surroundings. I run. I almost get to the finish. I run down a hall. Just before I turn left into a door, There's a bed. Thea is there, in the bed, laying down and moaning. She's drunk and incoherent. I look at her and then go though the door. I turn right down a short hall. The other girls who have finished the race are there, resting, talking, one (Sherrie, I think), smiles. I say, \"Where's the finish line?\" She points back into the room at a silk cloth item with a Valentine's heart on it and pockets. \"Touch that,\" she says. I do. I am weary and glad that I had finished the whole race." }, { "number": "0127", "head": "11/07/80", "content": "Before this dream, I had another one. All I remember is that I married B.F. Skinner, and then I married my own cousin Abner and then he changed to Willie, his older brother." }, { "number": "0128", "head": "11/08/80", "content": "I woke up with an oppressed feeling, like I had tried to work out something horrible but can't remember it." }, { "number": "0129", "head": "11/08/80", "content": "I was at a dinner table. My cousin Sonja and my Aunt Naomi and Uncle Philip and my mother and I were at the table. Sonja kept getting into trouble and I sat there all proper and correct. I was glad it was her and not me. I was feeling a little smug. My Uncle Philip talked to me and I remembered when I was 13 or 14 that he'd \"wrestle\" with me and tickle me and once lay on top of me and then backed off. I was coy. I enjoyed it and I played innocently. It was raining and dark. I was scared because I'd have to drive home alone and maybe I couldn't see well. I went to the bathroom to blow my nose. Something was lodged in it, dried snot, that looked like chewing gum. I pulled the toilet paper off the roll and there was shit on it. \"Eyuck,\" was my feeling response. My mother was coming toward the door telling me to hurry up. I felt slight anxiety about being messy and being caught at it." }, { "number": "0130", "head": "11/09/80", "content": "I was at a third night of auditions with Rhonda as director. I had not gotten a small part I was after but had come to watch because it was fun. I sat way down front, sort of crouched so she wouldn't see me as I was embarrassed that I had given her such a low energy level audition the first night. The lights came up and she saw me and was delighted. We greeted and laughed. She was annoyed at the men trying out for a part. They weren't getting it right. They were supposed to go be an ambassador that couldn't get anything right, walking into flags, etc., and bouncing off furniture. She'd taken a photo of each one lying down. The noses and lips were important in profile and in blue light. None of them were right. I laughingly said, \"Shall I try it? I bet I could do it, although the part would have to be rewritten for a woman.\" She liked the idea, so I started to go to the stage. My nose was running badly and I couldn't find anything to blow it with. I looked around and asked everyone if they had some toilet paper I could use. Everyone else had colds and were holding bits of it. One finally gave up one corner and we all laughed. I said, \"Oh thanks, I see it's a precious commodity.\" I couldn't remember the lines so I looked around for a script. Then I noticed they were resetting up the stage for another scene, a thanksgiving table setting. Rhonda was directing people to sing \"America.\" I joined in and sang one word wrong because they had changed it and I didn't know. I valiantly tried to keep up, wincing when I got it wrong. The cast was very quick and did just as they are told. She was a tough task master but yet caring and gentle. I asked her somewhat hesitantly if she had changed her mind about seeing me in that part. She looked startled and then remembered. Her mind was on many things. She apologized and said, \"Well sorry, we haven't got time,\" and hoped I'd understand. I wanted the part but did understand and said, \"Oh sure, no problem.\" Then a group of the cast gathered around her on the stage. She was giving directions about the song. She said, \"It's so hard to remember but the song is a satire and we must sing 'ving' instead of 'nam'.\"" }, { "number": "0131", "head": "11/09/80", "content": "I was walking through a pasture. Many horses were standing up, all looking in the same direction. One by one the horses suddenly laid down and died. They had been poisoned. 1 lone horse, the mama (chief or leader), cried out over and over again. I was appalled. Some one had poisoned them. Then I saw 2 men, one tall and wearing black, one crafty looking, a little older and plump (like bad guys in westerns). I pulled a rifle on them and fiercely told them to walk side by side, no tricks. I was taking them in. They looked mean and confident. They knew that they could scare me because I was a woman. They tried to separate so one could rush me. I threatened to shoot to kill. They got back together. Then one picked up a board. I said, \"Put it down or I'll shoot you in the belly.\" They kept trying it. Finally they made a lunge and I shot. They wouldn't die so I fired again and again (gatlin gun line from play). I pointed out to them that they were dead and they finally keeled over. I then walked into a house and started to go upstairs. A man was talking. He was lovingly looking at different rifles and talking about how neat to have one that felt right in his hands. I was annoyed at him. A rifle is a device to kill with, if necessary, a tool, not something to revere. I looked around at the rifles for women. They were .22's, light, worthless. I was disgusted. I was in an upstairs male dormitory now. Howard was in a single bed. There were book shelves next to his bed, built into the wall. I layed down beside him, being very careful not to touch him and ignore him. He was cold, rigid and ignoring me. I looked at the books across him and accidentally caught his eye (the other men were talking about the recent shooting exploits tinged with respect). I turned my back on Howard and curled up in a fetal ball sleeping position. My \"pussy\" accidentally touched his bare leg. Then he started crying with me and pleading with me not to go, to please come back. I felt sick in my stomach and got out of bed. He pleaded. He said he tried. \"What do you want?\" He gave me silence, isn't that what I wanted? I was disgusted. I said, \"No! I don't want silence. I want you to really understand me, comprehend me, care about me. Everything is for you. Your work comes first, your needs are first. You never really looked at me.\" He was pathetic, weeping, clinging and angry at me. I muttered something about, \"I'll never listen to you men again.\" We started yelling at each other. Other men in the dorm got disgusted with us and left. I said, \"I wish you would understand and I wish you'd let me have more time with the girls. Do you know what they say to me during the summers? That daddy never listens, he never shows me he loves us. Do you know they don't want to go back to you? Someday, you'll lose them the same as you lost me.\" I was almost crying, I had hurt him and I didn't want to. I really wanted him to understand and he didn't. He clutched at my hand, his hands were white and pink spotted. I yanked away from him and left." }, { "number": "0132", "head": "11/10/80", "content": "Water in my dreams. I am cavorting in my feelings and emotions." }, { "number": "0133", "head": "11/11/80", "content": "The end of the world. Outside forces of the universe were pulling on Earth. We were in our final days, volcanos, ash falls, real lava. I was in a small town, like M City. There were feelings of doom, some panic. We were getting ready to be rescued by a big plane but it needed a place to land. I looked around. The ground was too bumpy and full of sage brush. The railroad tracks were the only answer. But then I saw a train load of people on the tracks. I felt upset and annoyed. I couldn't let the plane land until I'd cleared the tracks. The people got off the train. They were insane, crazy, helpless people. I feel overwhelmed, sad. I wanted to get rescued. I didn't want to die, but I can't just abandon these people in their need. I couldn't make the order that would kill them. I was annoyed. I thought, \"Maybe I will. To hell with them,\" but I couldn't." }, { "number": "0134", "head": "11/11/80", "content": "Later, two male black cats. One is homosexually raping the other. They glare at me. I feel revulsion." }, { "number": "0135", "head": "11/12/80", "content": "I was at school, a conference or something. I was in my wheelchair. To get to where I was to sit in a crowded, tiered room was difficult. I sat at a \"bar table\" and got onto a bar stool. Then I had to go to the bathroom. I got back into my wheelchair and struggled through the crowd. Some men cornered me and sassed me. They took my chair. I limped back to the table. People stared at me and couldn't understand my change. A coast guard man (like one in another state), decided he had to be in love with me, puppy love. He kept trying to kiss me. I kept him at arm's length. It was a struggle. He was persistent. Finally, I agreed to go with him to a dance or something. I went to a room to change my clothes. By that time, I didn't worry about my chair (before, the bar keep was around and wanted to help me get it). We went to the room. I put on 2 underslips, one is like the current style, long slit in front. The other is old fashioned, shorter, full body, skirt was even more old fashioned, shorter (1st slip, 1980, 2nd 1970, skirt 1960, pearls around neck, 1950). It looked funny, so I rearranged outfits so the slips didn't show. The ardent man had friends that at first teased him. They didn't like me. They peeked in and harassed me. Finally they accepted me. I was excited about the dance now. We got in car and drove. We got there. The man was having intense feelings. I was protecting myself and also warming myself on his feelings. I saw Will S. He had 2 babies. He was taking care of them. I came over and touched one. I asked permission to help and hold one. He was aloof. I said, \"Oh, you don't like people to touch them. You like a lot of space around you and yours. I think it is too much space.\" I was aware of my bravery in telling this man I admired that I thought he was personally wrong on this issue. He had a problem, just like real people, even more than mine. Then I went on. Mabel asked me a question about my book which was published recently. She was snide about making money. I really told her off. I said, \"You can bet your sweet ass I will make money.\" She raised her eyebrows in shock. She was up against a wall and I was in righteous anger and really yelling. I said, \"Ya, but I also did a good book. It will be helpful, it is good reading, etc.\"" }, { "number": "0136", "head": "11/13/80", "content": "I was aware of two good, heavy dreams. I even had the images still in my head but I was unable to verbalize what I dreamed. No sequence or objects to put names to. There was a sense of something dying so that the next phase can grow and be born and then that going away so first phase has its turn stronger. [BL]" }, { "number": "0137", "head": "11/13/80", "content": "Later dream. I found a small monkey, miniature, really. He was given to me. He was in a bird cage, gold. There was glass so it was also like a fishbowl. It was dying because there was no air, food, or water. I opened a door in the glass to let in air. I could hear it hissing in and I could feel the flow of air into the cage. It was cold and \"mean.\" I then got his food and water containers. I \"thought\" talked to it soothingly. \"Poor little thing. I'll bet you think I'm taking this away from you to hurt you, but see, I'm filling the cup and it's fresh. Now, here's the water. That's the most important, isn't it?\" The water cup then partially collapsed and the water spilled onto the food, but it was still O.K., just a little messy. Then I got nervous. I watched as the monkey changed. It was supposed to be cute and sit on my shoulder and chitter and be furry and hug me. I had held the door partially open with my keys (on a little sandal shoe), but the monkey was tiny, like a spider with a long tail. Then it was a small snake. I got really scared. The snake was growing and it was going to eat me, or kill me. It grew and I fled the room. I was on a road/freeway. There were many cars. I was in one. We were all fleeing the snake. It was huge now. The freeway was choked with cars. There was road construction and dust was thick in the air. I heard the screams of the others being killed by the snake. I felt fear and a certainty that this was it. No escape. The snake would get me. I looked to my left. The snake was on a moving train, devouring it and the people on it. I veered to the right and got out of the car, I tried to make myself very small and tried to burrow into the ground. I was burying myself alive to escape the notice of the snake. I felt doomed. It would find me." }, { "number": "0138", "head": "11/14/80", "content": "I dreamt I made love to every man that came near me. I was aggressive, voracious, and demanding." }, { "number": "0139", "head": "11/14/80", "content": "Later, I dreamt I was in a skit. I made a statement that I felt funny because two older men were after me sexually. I actually didn't feel funny." }, { "number": "0140", "head": "11/16/80", "content": "Jim R. was telling me he loved me. He looked shy. He said, \"I've really changed since high school. I've opened up.\" He allowed his feelings to show. I felt warmth for him. I said, \"Ya, me too.\" We shared this discovery." }, { "number": "0141", "head": "11/16/80", "content": "Later, I was in a house with 2 teenagers (boy and girl), supposedly my children. We had shut and locked all the doors and windows because awful bats that could suck out all our feelings and insides were trying to get in and get us. The front door wasn't really a front door. A branch from a tree was the door. There were holes in it that the bats could fly through. I got a heavy hatchet but the handle was a small, dry, breakable, flexible twig. I was going to kill the bats as they came in. I could sense them out in the dark. I went to the branch. It semi-fell down. Then birds, white with pretty eyes, started to come through. I had to chop and chop on their necks. Bloody, and their heads fell off. It was hard to kill them. Then they went away. My \"children\" said, \"Oh, thank goodness, it's all over.\" I didn't believe it. I was still worried. Then people came through the door. They were friendly, in a group, moving in. I knew that they were going to get us. I wouldn't let them near me. My kids went to them. One grandmother kissed my son. I felt heartsick. They were going to finally get us." }, { "number": "0142", "content": "(11/16/80)(First dream of the night). Fear on bed, in the bedroom, rising up the curtain like in an elevator, but I'm not. As I'm going down, I get more fearful. There is a hole in the curtain and outside the hole is a cage, but my fear of it is like it's a Nazi concentration camp. I scream because I'm going to be pushed out of the window into the cage. I push myself backwards. It was a weak push but I fall back hard. I fall across the room. I move furniture as I fall so I won't get hurt and land on the floor at foot of the bed. 2 children are in the bedroom, a little boy and a little girl. A pouch with a banana is handed to me. I get sexually excited, aggressively, powerfully so. I grin and pull 2 legs out of the pouch and the banana turns into a penis. I want it badly. I kick the little girl out of the way. I place the penis in me and I can feel it, real. I hold the man tightly and the closer I get to orgasm, the fiercer I am. Then I see a \"picture\" of our faces. I'm smiling, really into it. He's smiling because it gives him joy to see me feel so good (fierce, intense smiles). As I start to have an orgasm, a little boy is screaming, \"Daddy! Daddy, don't!\" 2 policemen come in. I can't talk. I try to but can't. I want to finish. I can hear the screams ( I wake up, feeling like it was a nightmare)." }, { "number": "0143", "head": "11/18/80", "content": "A huge house with a brick front and bay windows (centuries old) started to shake. All the bricks were falling off and the window shattered, like an earthquake. I remembered the kids were in the house and so were Andrea's babies. I hesitated and then went in to get my girls. Ellie was being stubborn. She and I argued all the way out. I sensed that the babies were still in the house, but I went on out with my kids. Lots of pieces of the house were falling all around us. We crowded into a doorway across the lawn from the house. Something about a lot of pills. A man was near by." }, { "number": "0144", "head": "11/19/80", "content": "I was laying on the couch in the M City house, watching T.V. My mother was in the kitchen doing dishes. Dwight, my father and I were waiting for her to finish so we could go vote for the president. I was feeling lazy and didn't particularly want to go. I was aware of my mother's anger at us because she was working and we were waiting. I was annoyed at her for making me feel her anger, but I just let it ride. My mother gave me the baby (hers) and said, \"Feed it while I do the dishes and maybe we'll make it on time.\" I felt guilty. She was really overworked and anger was spilling out. Dwight groaned and said he didn't really want to go. She gave an angrily voiced lecture on the rights and privileges and responsibilities of a citizen. I fed the baby her water and then her milk. I watched her. She drank quickly and I burped her. She looked like my daughter. I looked to see if she had spit up on me. My father came in and said in a martyred tone that my mother had decided not to go vote. She had too much to do and didn't want to hold us up. I sighed and said, \"Oh, honestly, she could do it. She's just being in one of her moods.\" I was annoyed with her passive-aggressive moves." }, { "number": "0145", "head": "11/19/80", "content": "A secret door. I started to go through the back door. 2 men were blocking the way. I shut the door and went through a side secret door. It led to an old abandoned room. Somehow I had made a time change. I was back in pre-historic times, in a cave. I stood near the mouth of the cave and an eerie light (green phosphorous) shone on me. I cast my image out into the night to look scary. It scared the natives. I saw some children swimming from school, raging water. This was ordinary for them. 1 girl had to walk on land the long way around. The clansmen talked about raising the bridge the children walked on so it was above the water in storms so they wouldn't have to swim so dangerously. I met a man, a caveman. I was intelligent and seemed to know things (realized memories from modern times would unconsciously filter through and I would solve problems). Others felt nervous about me, because I was so good at figuring things out. A plane landed on the swimming place. A man got out, and pushed the light craft up to shore so it wouldn't float away. [BL]" }, { "number": "0146", "head": "11/19/80", "content": "I was taking a nap before I went to my new psychiatrist (in addition to Dr. X). I was awakened by Thea. She wanted to talk. I said, \"No, I haven't got the time.\" I started to try to find my clothes to get dressed. Howard walked in. I was naked, looking for my underpants in my suitcase. There was lots of junk in there but I couldn't find the right pair of undies. I was nervous, trying to talk to Howard. I asked him why he was here. Thea left. He said he wanted to talk. I said, \"Uh huh! I can tell you want to get back together again.\" I was struggling with my undies (with holes in them and bras). He said, \"Ya.\" His marriage isn't good. She tells him to be at this meeting and get ready for that party. I said, \"Oh, I get it. You want me back because I didn't tell you what to do. No, I was too passive to speak up. You want that back.\" He reached for me and I pushed him away. \"I've got to get ready.\" He was telling me how rich he was now, and I was thinking that means I'd be near the kids again and I'd like that. I said, \"I'd really like to talk without us being angry about the kids. I want to be with them more.\" He pulled me down on the bed and wrapped his arms around me. He felt warm and I was aware of my soft skin. I layed still, like a rabbit, caught. Part of me wanted to relax and like him, the rest of me was angry at him. He would never change, he would never really hear me. I pretended to go to sleep. He gently picked me up and rotated me across him to the other side of the bed and layed around me softly. Then he gently picked me up and layed me on the floor. I let all this happen, aware of the softness of skin, warmth, and some anger because he was manipulating me. He'd like to make love to me on the floor. I \"woke\" up and got my clothes. He had music going on the stereo. It annoyed me and made me nervous. I went to turn it off, but I couldn't. I turned all the buttons but it wouldn't stop. I then realize it was the radio on the other side of the room. I yell at him to turn it off (a helpless anger). He laughed and then did so. I looked for my clothes. The girls came in. I really was happy to see them. I felt in a time bind. I said, \"I could cancel my appointment,\" but then decided not to. I asked Howard, \"How long will you be here because I'll be gone until 4:00.\" He said, \"Until 6:00,\" looked at me, smiled and said, \"Until 9:00.\" I said, \"Oh, good. I mean, I really want to see the girls.\" I was vaguely aware that I was also wanting to see him. I started to leave. I explained to the girls, \"I'll be back soon.\" They walked with me. Then I couldn't remember where the psychiatrist was. I looked for his address. I finally found it. I left. I looked for the van. I couldn't find it. I finally spotted it and then couldn't find the door to get in it. I got into the van. Thea and Jared came out. I told them, \"Howard and the girls are at home.\" They'd probably like to visit (they are my neighbors). Then I tryed to get into the van, only it was a drawer that goes into a hospital bed. I took off my shirt and felt naked with Jared there. I looked for the hospital gown. I felt nervous. Then Jared said, \"Why don't we drive you to your appt?\" I sighed with relief and knowing I could do it myself easier, I agree. Then we were in the elks. They said goodbye to some drunks at their table and then we started to go to their car." }, { "number": "0147", "head": "11/19/80", "content": "I was in New York City. Some earthquake had struck. I was going to go into the hospital both to help others and to be a patient. The windows were broken out. There were big mud blots on the outside of the building. A broken water pipe was gushing into one of the rooms. I thought, \"Huh, someone could drown.\" To get into the building, I was being pulled up, hanging by my hands to 2 ropes. It was a sky scraper, very tall, metal and glass. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to hang on, but I did get to the top floor. I got in and checked myself in. Then I was walking out. My kids were waiting. I heard the doctor ask me, \"Is the black man or the blossom still there?\" (meaning my husband). I reopened the door I had just gone through to answer his question. When he had asked the question, he sounded like he cared. But when I answered, he was talking to 2 other men. I thought, \"Uh huh, ain't that how it always is. He doesn't care.\" I then ran down the stairs, 2 flights. My feet were fast. It was joyful. Then, I was at home. I was going to sit on the couch (chair, room for only one). My father came into the room. He wanted the couch. I think, \"O.K., he's first, mom's second and I'm third.\" I went to another chair. My mother appeared young. She was playing the violin. She was embarrassed and tried really hard. I looked to see that her parents were there and she was trying to please them or catch their attention. My father shushed her. She kept on playing, only she had tried to stop. She had put the bow down and was just fingering the notes. My daughter was pulling the bow across the strings. It was not a good sound." }, { "number": "0148", "head": "11/20/80", "content": "A white kitten with human-like eyes (male). I carried it everywhere with me. I carried it and petted it and held it in a hood of my sweatshirt to carry it around. I heard bombs exploding from a distance. I saw the white explosion spots. I was appalled. \"Look what they are doing to the landscape, ruining it.\" I looked overhead and saw Nazi planes. A bomb fell near us. I jumped for cover, but my parents are complacent and didn't. I came back. There had only been a small explosion. I was confused. Why hadn't it exploded and hurt us? A convoy of trucks and jeeps then came by. A nazi officer got out. He looked at me and told me that I was under arrest. I was to report to headquarters. I asked, \"Where is it?\" He said, \"Follow me.\" So the kitten and I walked along. He went too fast (the officer), and I lose him. I didn't know where headquarters was, so I asked directions!! It finally dawned on me that I could escape, that I was being really silly following orders, so I got in a car and started driving. I was now a race car driver. It was a red and black, sleek race car. I drove fast. I now had a male partner. There was lots of competition. They didn't like me. They made snide remarks. I looked in my engine. Someone had put papers in there to start a fire. I got them out. I saw another race car driver getting ready to start. I stopped her (Lindsay, I think, blind). I checked her engine. The same thing. I got the papers out. I saved her. I got back into the car on the passenger side. I said to my partner, \"I should let you start sometimes, even though I know I'm a better driver.\" He was tinkering under the hood. I got a wrench to help. I didn't know what I was doing and I shrugged my shoulders (embarrassed), that I even pretended to know. He drove for awhile. We then stopped. I said, \"Are you tired yet?\" I was hoping it was my turn. He said, \"My body's tired, but my mind is O.K.\" We changed places.\" I drove very fast. He said, \"Watch out for policemen.\" I nearly bumped into the tail lights of other cars as I was watching for policemen. I then decided I could probably out run them and I hit the gas. I drove over obstacles, around them, I'm good. The other drivers were in awe. One had a 1/2 hour head start on me and I was passing. The mountain road then turned into hallways and stairs. Then I was back outside. I stopped for a break. A woman who was angry at me picked me up to carry me to my car. She had her hand on my butt and pinched hard. I got angry and tried to kick her. Every time I hurt her, she hurt me back. I felt helpless (trapped) and angry. I got loose, drove my car." }, { "number": "0149", "head": "11/21/80", "content": "I was at a swimming pool. A woman is sniffing. \"I smell smoke,\" she says twice. I think, \"Huh.\" A man is concerned because he likes her but doesn't feel that he wants to give up smoking. I then get into the swimming pool at the shallow end. It is pretty pedestrian, so I start moving toward the deep end. I get to the rope and decide to brave it. I swim underwater. I open my eyes and see everything clearly, as if I weren't underwater. I see the feet, legs and tummies of the swimmers on top of the water, and the water swirling as they go through it. I then realize that I need to breathe and look up. I am way down deep. I start to swim for the surface. It's hard. About half way up, I feel the pressure in my lungs and can't help myself. I take a breathe. I'm aware that in reality I'd be drowning, but I'm O.K., I'm not drowning." }, { "number": "0150", "head": "11/21/80", "content": "I am in a movie theater eating popcorn. I find a coupon. I have won a prize. It's a big one. I get up to go to the candy counter. I realize that I left my purse at the seat, so I \"conjure\" it up. I ask the lady at the counter what my prize is. She shows me the picture on the coupon. It's a grill, lots of food. I ask her to repeat; she speaks but I can't understand the words. It's something about a scholarship to a college. I look up to see my Aunt Esther and Dora. I'm delighted to see them and I say, \"Oh, How nice to see you. It's been a long time.\" We chat. Then I go outside. There is lots of water. I'm standing on a dock. I see 2 lines of relatives. Uncle Lionel has a white handkerchief over his face (lower half). He has an allergy. Some of my relatives get into a boat and drive away, across a wooden boundary between 2 bodies of water. Uncle Lionel is shocked. \"I'd never be such a fool as to do that.\" Then my father gets into a small row boat and I get in. He slowly and carefully goes over the wooden boundary. The motor gets caught. My father says \"Uh-oh.\" I say, \"Don't tell me uh-oh, when we're in deep water.\" We then get over the thing. Then I'm in a canal. An Indian guide is behind me paddling. He is reciting the legends of our people. I feel like I'm going home." }, { "number": "0151", "head": "11/23/80", "content": "Earthquake. I'm at college. I know it's coming. I get out of the building and stand in a clear space. I see \"downtown\" buildings across the street. It hits. The top story of the building opposite me slides off (half the building), backwards, away from me. I'm relieved. A building with many people screaming in it, fear in their faces. It slides down the street into another building. People fall and are killed and hurt. I see Stan. I'm a little glad. I give him the name of Williams. I see or \"feel\" a building down the block fall forward into another building. I feel sick. My children are there, and so is Howard. I'm standing in a crowd. I go to see if my children are O.K. They are. I'm relieved. Howard is O.K. I'm \"sort of\" glad. Grudging." }, { "number": "0152", "head": "11/23/80", "content": "I was on duty doing registration on a river boat. I am dressed in an English \"bobby\" policeman costume. A young man likes me. He wants to kiss me and take me out. I am flattered. We go to the back of the boat to watch an extension raft that has Dixieland musicians. I pat my new haircut and want my \"bobby\" helmet that I left somewhere. He says, \"Don't worry, you don't need it.\" I say, \"But I want it.\" It appears on my head. I pat it. The banjo player is central in the group. They have some difficulty staying on the raft. I agree to go out with the man. I suggest we exchange addresses. He agrees. I get teased by other counselors about my affair, but they are supportive." }, { "number": "0153", "head": "11/23/80", "content": "I have died and gone to heaven. I'm confused. I'm not too sure where I am or what to do. It's a check-in counter. A tired woman (overworked) asked me if I used too many credits (like overdue books). I say, \"No. If anything, I've used too few,\" (I feel a little guilty, like I'm lying, maybe). She has a file folder to check later. Cory is standing next to me. He has died around the same time I have. She gives us our instructions. We will now go live in the clouds. If it is too crowded, which it is getting to be by now, we will move on out into space. I feel some hesitancy about doing so. I don't want to yet. She says, \"It's permissible to return to Earth and visit people. It is forbidden to make yourself known to the living. However, some of them are very sensitive and will feel our presence.\" I go back to Earth and sort of curl around some people. I want to hang around the ones that feel my presence and miss me. I find it hard to pull away from them." }, { "number": "0154", "head": "11/24/80", "content": "I was in a house. There was something scary in there." }, { "number": "0155", "head": "11/24/80", "content": "Nate, his wife and his mother-in-law stopped by the house (my grandmother Agnes' house). We talked like acquaintances. I was nervous. I started helping with her Christmas cards. My daughter Paulina, was making some books. She asked me to read the instructions. I was knitting. Nate kept being around me and I was nervous for fear that I would give away our relationship. Her mother watched us closely. It was hard to concentrate on what I was doing. Paulina got mad at me because I hadn't listened to her closely enough and she made smaller books. I said, \"But they are lovely. I thought that's the size you said.\" She was appeased. I kept writing addresses on cards. There was a homemade house (miniature) with mice and hamsters in it. There was no cage or screen, just the make of the front kept them in. One of the mice wore a red and white polka dot handkerchief on her head. I commented on the nice workmanship on the house. As I was doing the cards, the mom came to me and asked, \"Are you in love with Nate?\" I stammered and acted like righteous indignation. I said, \"See this house we're in? My Aunt and Uncle have lived here since before I was born.\" I pointed to the places I used to play. \"They've been remodeled haven't they?\" asked Nate. It was done up nicely. Where horses and crumbly barns used to be, now there was interior decorator \"house beautiful\" barns (stone) and lawns. I finished the cards and started to leave. I got my cards and their cards mixed up. I stopped, embarrassed. \"Oh, dear,\" I said, \"I forgot to separate them.\" I did that. Nate hovered near me all the time. At one point, he pinched my arm and I jumped and said, \"Don't touch me!\" I felt caught. The cards turned into a pile of clothes, the arms of things kept falling and I kept trying to contain the pile. I started walking back to my grandmother's house. I told Nate what she had asked me. I felt she liked me some. There were bramble bushes, gravel, a white goat that eyed my pile of clothes with interest. I struggled to get home. I was almost there. Some watchers commented on me. I had to step on top of tables to get to my destination." }, { "number": "0156", "head": "11/25/80", "content": "Traveling mountains. Tough going. Lydia and I take a journey together. We start to look for a road or path. I say, \"Not too easy, not so scenic.\" She points to a steep hill with trees and gravel. I look back at my mother. Then the hill is a stepladder in a closet. We climb up the ladder and get to the top shelf. We look into the next room. 2 young women, cousins. They join us on our side. Something about cold, starving, but we survive." }, { "number": "0157", "head": "11/25/80", "content": "A boy is upstairs. A man comes to the door. \"I,\" a woman, answer the door. I'm tired, spent, anger, but just old and smoldering. The boy comes downstairs. I pick him up and take him back to his room. I \"see\" a fire starting on the blue curtains but don't see it. I turn and go downstairs. It spreads. Then I, the young man, am being run out of town. I've burned the house and my parents. I'm a bad person. The community won't talk to me. They just point as I walk by. An older woman is speaking to the priest. Incest (incensed) that he has given me the best room in a retreat. I see Swiss cottage motel rooms. He says, \"Leave him alone. He's gone through enough,\" (as I wake up, I'm thinking, \"he's a psychic, oh, I dreamed about a psychic,\" but I can't remember that part)." }, { "number": "0158", "head": "11/25/80", "content": "The kids and I were in a house. Howard came to the door. He was going to hurt me and rape me. The kids started to go to him to open the door. I yelled, \"No! What are you doing to me?\" I ran to the phone. I dialed the police. I yelled, \"Quick. A man is going to hurt me. I'm at XXX.\" I repeated the message. He came in. I ran. I was afraid (I can't remember the rest)." }, { "number": "0159", "head": "11/25/80", "content": "Abner, my cousin, is going to get married (only it's sort of Cory). He asks my girlfriend and me (probably Bonnie), to get the wedding ready for him. We go to the chapel but it's terribly crowded. Someone is having a wedding just before his time. We go around to the side door and peak in. Then we sneak through a skinny door to the banquet area, to get that prepared. Lots of people are there eating. They don't like us there and ask us to leave. I'm somewhat embarrassed. I try to quietly leave through the skinny door but my hand keeps getting caught in it as I try to shut it. Cory is there. He's wearing bright red lipstick. So is Bonnie. I apologize that we can't prepare before. I get butterfly feelings in my tummy because I will be a bridesmaid and have to stand up there in front of all those people (like old crowd anxiety). Cory says, \"Never mind. It's O.K.\" We go out into hall. He has a large \"baggie\" with clothes in it. He says he has perfected a calming thing. If you swallow it, you will be calm, peaceful, and relaxed. I say, \"Even me? Huh. I'm never like that.\" He says, \"Even you.\" Then I say, \"But will I be able to do anything? I don't want to be so calm that I can't do things that are interesting.\" He says, \"No problem.\" He has 2, one for art and one for writing. I want the art one, thinking art is writing also. He says, \"It doesn't matter.\"" }, { "number": "0160", "head": "11/26/80", "content": "Howard, hovering around, wanting us to be together. I have a tight smile on my face. I keep turning away from him, but I'm tempted." }, { "number": "0161", "head": "11/27/80", "content": "I was chair of a committee. I was getting people's names and phone numbers. We were in a nightclub. Some applesauce liquor was poured into my soda. Each member of the committee got a different color liquor. Some tough men, older Mafia types came into the club and complained because there was no entertainment or booze. It was too high brow. I soothed them down. Suddenly, some woman was on stage. Her back was to the audience, doing the bump and grind. There was beer and wine on sale. The place was a seedy joint. I felt badly about the entertainment. I went down the stairs to the dressing room. I put on makeup and an evening dress. I got up there and sang my heart out. They liked it. It was classy. I came back out. The owner was gruff. He was ordering his help around in a mean way. They were pissed at him. There was a commotion at the door. Some blacks were crashing, and the whites got up to leave. It was riot city. I jumped up and said, \"Wait. We can all work it out.\" I ran to the stage. The men grabbed me and started to pick me up and carry me up the stairs. I pleaded, \"No please, don't! You'll hurt me! You're all angry; I can do it myself.\" The men said, \"The boss told us we have to. We don't want to, believe me.\" I started ordering everyone. I told the boss he'd better shape up and treat people nicely and he might get better results. He was shocked and started to argue. I stopped him. He glowered and then agreed. I told the men to carry me to the stage and I'd introduce them to a nice blonde woman, \"Sandra,\" who was rich. They were surprised and then got nice and agreed. They got me up on stage. People were walking out. I got the mike and said, \"Wait. You're gonna miss something neat if you leave.\" I started belting out \"I am woman.\" I pushed the curtain back so I could play to the whole club (arena-like stage). I saw on the left, a red plush banquet set up. No one was there. Everyone started dancing and enjoying themselves. Blacks, whites, men, and women, all together. I was the pivotal peace maker." }, { "number": "0162", "head": "11/27/80", "content": "I was in an office. My student helper was assisting me getting some info I needed. I seemed to start on an errand but I would forget something and not be able to complete it. Then, an old man walked in, the boss. He was upset. He wore red silk pajamas tailored like a suit. He took them off to show red veins marked on his legs. They went to the heart, like a blood poisoning line. He was scared. He was in poor health with a bad heart and this meant he was going to die soon. I assisted him into his office. I called the doctor. I had some trouble getting his name (Rexford), and trouble dialing the number. A secretary found the number for me. The man was scared and moaning, lying on the floor in front of the desk. The secretary left the room and then a girl came out of the closet and exhaled lots of smoke. She was almost caught smoking and had hidden. She thanked me for not squealing. I nodded. Then the doctor came on the line. I told him what had happened. The doctor was crying, distraught. I said, \"Is there anything I can do for him?\" The doctor said, \"Oh yes, there's lots you can do. Give him some milk.\" I looked around the room. I saw a glass of milk on the desk. I thought about giving him a breast, but I had no milk. I went back to the desk and got the milk. I talked to him as I went, soothingly. He said, \"I don't want any milk.\" I said, \"If you drink your milk, I'll give you a kiss, a French kiss after every gulp.\" He said, \"Then I'll drink a gallon.\" I then found a bottle of beer. I took that to him. I asked the doctor if beer was O.K. Maybe the beer, or my kisses, would be too much and he'd die. The doctor said, \"The beer is fine.\" I asked the man how old he was. He looked at me and said, \"10 days old.\" I said, \"Huh?\" He laughed and said, \"You've been here 10 days and I feel like I was born when I met you.\"" }, { "number": "0163", "head": "11/27/80", "content": "Patsy and I are going to rehearse for a scene for a play. I get on her shoulders, my long skirt dropped over her head. I worry she'll smell a vagina odor. We walk around like that. We're in a big office. I'm an employee there. It's my office." }, { "number": "0164", "head": "11/27/80", "content": "Co-worker Tyler comes by and wants to talk to me. I want to talk to him but people keep interrupting." }, { "number": "0165", "head": "11/27/80", "content": "I am asleep in my office. I think I have the door shut. I'm very tired. I wake up and realize the door was open and probably people had walked by and seen me asleep on the job. A man walked up to the door and asked to come in to speak to me. I was on a couch. I said, \"Come in,\" trying to be professional. I folded up the blanket and set it aside. I saw that the room was crowded with furniture, my desk, the couch, a school desk and a chair. The man spoke with an accent, Spanish I think. He seemed shy. I had difficulty understanding what he said. He said he was a representative of the telephone company and wanted to have an explanation of the MMPI. He showed me a letter that had a picture of people on it (drawn), and the statement 75%, one out of 4 makes us be this way (employers were complaining because their sick employees blamed them). I said, \"Ah.\" I asked him his name. He said, \"Don Juan Sanchos.\" I wanted to call him Paul. He had sad eyes. He seemed intense. I said, \"I'll have to ask my supervisor as this is privileged information. I think it will be all right.\" I stepped out of the office and into Dylan's office. I said, \"There's a rep from Ma Bell and he wants to see the MMPI manual. He seems legitimate. He wants to know about the 1 in 4 %'s.\" Dylan went to the counter to get the test. He said, \"Someone else wants to see it too. Shall you do it or I?\" \"I could do it. I've done it once and I have taken a class. But I'd like you to do it. I'll watch and learn more.\" He agreed. I went back to my office. One of the desks was now a bed. It was like a dorm room (3 beds). I told them what happened and that Dylan would tell us out in the hall. Don Juan and Paul started whispering and giggling. I sat on the bed with my long skirt flowing around me. I said, \"What is it?\" They say, \"Oh, nothing.\" I go to the bed directly opposite where they were sitting. Paul moved, so it was Don Juan and me. I adjust my skirt since as I plopped down on the bed. I had lost balance and fell back some, showing my feet and underslip. I giggled. I looked at Don Juan intently (counselor) and said, \"Something's on your mind. I won't start the MMPI until you tell me.\" I lean forward; we are very close. He's shy and whispered, so I lay my head on his arm to hear better. It was a very soft and intimate moment. Soft laughter bubbled inside me. He whispered, \"I'd like to ask you out on a date.\" I smiled and said (into his arm with a coy glance at his eyes), \"The sooner the better.\" We laughed. (Before, he'd mutter and I'd say, \"What,\" and he'd say, \"Oh, nothing,\" but I knew what he said. \"You didn't tell me you could walk\"). My wheelchair was parked over to the side of the room. We went out into the hall. Chairs were set up. A whole class was in there. The only place to sit was on the same chair with Don Juan. It felt nice. We watched and listened as Dylan explained the test. He started by saying, \"The mid-line in the eye is very important,\" and went up to a girl in the front row (she's shy). He examined her eye, nose to nose. It looked funny and we laughed (I remember having done these kinds of funny gestures in a skit). Later, I was going across campus (like L or University). I was thinking, \"Where would be the best place to park my van so I have the least amount of walking between classes. I have one class in the Math building, one in the Home EC building.\" I then went to the \"women's center office.\" Andrea was there. I told her of Don Juan. She said, \"He's been here before, you know.\" Then I remembered that a year ago, when I was sick and in the chair, he came asking for the same information. I shared that I thought he came back because he liked me and I proudly told how I had been able to speak out and tell him that I'd like to go out with him, and then I felt a little badly because I remembered that I was still being passive. I hadn't set up the details of when we'd go out. I had been indirect again and I felt sure he'd pursue it." }, { "number": "0166", "head": "11/28/80", "content": "I have a small part in a play. Ginny plays the mother; I play the young daughter. We rehearse it. I talk to others about the fact that I have this part. I feel some sense of consequence because I have a part. Opening night comes. Ginny can't make it. I get there and realize that I have not attended one rehearsal. Now I'm embarrassed and guilty. I don't know when I come on, or my stage blocking. I go into the women's room, which is a dressing room. Men and women are there. I have to go to the bathroom. I'm embarrassed. I sit on a toilet with no covering stall. Desmond is putting on make up and he looks over at me. I feel embarrassed because my bare butt is showing. He speaks to me. I say, \"I need to find the director.\" The play starts. Ethan is in the audience already. I see a man who is like a stage manager. I go to him and tell him who I am. He comes with me to another room down the hall to hear me do the part. I start to sing. He's interested in the voice quality, but I forget the words. I make excuses. I say, \"I can't think why I didn't attend any rehearsals, oh I know, I was sick. I had a cold for a week and a half.\" I laughed nervously knowing there is no excuse to miss rehearsal. I'm amazed he's still considering me to go on. Ginny shows up. She's late and disorganized and not ready. The man says, \"Practice and we'll see.\"" }, { "number": "0167", "head": "11/28/80", "content": "I'm crawling up some stairs. I have roller skates on my feet, wire rim glasses on and I carry a white, collapsible cane. A man asks me if I need help. He uses sign language and yells like I'm deaf. I'm annoyed with him and explain that I'm not totally blind, it's just my periphery vision that's gone. I go on my way. I'm shopping. I'm in a large department store, like Payless. My daughter Dovre is around but I can't see her. I remember that I'm going to meet her. I skate past many aisles of merchandise. I skate into the restaurant. I see several empty tables but decide to eat later." }, { "number": "0168", "head": "11/28/80", "content": "I am in the wilderness with a man (he's like Clint Eastwood). There is some attraction but I don't trust him so I rebuff him, and keep him at a distance. He starts to make love. I say, \"Don't, I'm not interested in just sex, I want you to care about me.\" We're a little frustrated and angry with each other. I look up. There is a big hill and a cave. I go through the cave entrance and inside the cave is an open, grassy warm, hillside. The top of the cave opens to the sky. I have to travel to the top of the mountain to see what's on the other side. I go there. There are rooms. Some people are there. I don't trust them but they seem to be the ones that can transform me to a better being. One starts operating on me. He cuts me open. I'm now watching the operation near by. He messes around with my organs. I ask the person being operated on if it hurts, as they are awake. He or she says, \"No, I've got acupuncture, and I don't feel it.\" It looks awful, blood and guts. The head is worked on. The person can now see and understand better. I step outside to see what's on the other side of the mountain as I'm now at the top. Fog, unclear, a sense of cold, and some uneasiness." }, { "number": "0169", "head": "11/30/80", "content": "I'm at school. Going to a meeting. Bonnie and I." }, { "number": "0170", "head": "11/30/80", "content": "George and I are traveling. He seems quite anxious to please me. I keep trying to get him to relax and not be so paranoid about my reactions to him." }, { "number": "0171", "head": "11/30/80", "content": "I was going camping, out by a river. 2 very tall giants were out there and they were trying to kill me. They were facing each other and I was running for cover between them. The only cover I could find was in the leg or the big toe of one giant. One giant killed the giant I was hiding in (or very near), and that giant killed the other one. They both fell to the ground. I crept out and lay down between them to sleep. Then the 2 giants were regular people, 2 men and a woman. We had no blankets and it was getting cold. The girl was complaining to her mate. We talked about the coldness of the river near by. I felt the cold of the air. I said, \"I have a van (VW bus) near by. I have blankets. I'll get some.\" I did so. Then I was washing the VW bus with a hose of cold water (from the river). I was referred to as the \"big Mama.\" I had power in the group. They listened to me. It was time to drive away. I did so. I am watching the bus leave. The tires were on the absolute edge of the precipice as I turned the vehicle around, but no problem. I saw the tire tracks right on the edge." }, { "number": "0172", "head": "11/30/80", "content": "I was asleep in my bed at home. I was in a deep sleep, the kind on the edge of waking, just after you've fallen asleep. I was aware that I was fast asleep and meditating. My body slid to the side of the bed; I was in danger of falling out. My arm draped over the edge and my hand hit the floor. I felt it. I became afraid and wanted to wake up so I wouldn't fall and hurt myself. I decided to relax and flow with whatever happened. Then I was in an unidentified room sitting up but my body wasn't there. The only things in my room were a window and a chair. I felt myself growing smaller. The room got bigger and bigger. The chair got taller and taller until I was so small, I was the size of an insect. I then realized that if there were a spider in the room, I'd be so small it could really hurt me. I started growing bigger, out of fear. I began filling the room. I raised my arms skyward and I was as big as the Earth. My hands reached out clear into the stars. Suddenly, I saw a pair of hands holding my hands and I heard or sensed the statement, \"I'm here.\" I feel overwhelmed with what I'd done, and retreated back to my sleeping body. I was still not able or ready to wake up yet. I flew for awhile, higher and higher. I was aware of a sense of height and that I'm afraid of heights in reality. I saw mountains and red and blue houses on farmed lands. I enjoyed my feeling of flying. I came back to my body. I was not willing to wake up yet. The rest is hazy, meeting people at a meeting." }, { "number": "0173", "head": "12/01/80", "content": "I was a sort of narrator to the story of Dabney and Nancy W. It was a saga. Dabney went off across America. He knew how to fix things. He met a farmer and offered to chop wood. The farmer got mean and tried to run him off the farm. He got his own axe and they had a \"chopping\" contest. The table they were chopping on was a beautiful dining room table. Then the farmer was outraged. Dabney fixed the table as if it hadn't been chopped. I was explaining to the farmer that he was very good and could do this. Another farmer came by and saw this. He asked me if Dabney could make a display case for his lintings (like lithographs). I said, \"Sure he can.\" By now, Dabney was a baby about 10 months old. I carried him around but he was still capable of doing all these craft things. Now we were in the farmer's house. The baby had grown up. Now he was a younger brother and he was sort of me. I was also the sister and his older brother. The younger brother came to me and told us that he was in love. He had met this nice girl. We laughed and teased him. \"How long have you known her?\" \"Oh, 2 days.\" We laughed. He went and got his tools to make the display case. A kitten slipped in the door. He scooted it out. Then a skunk came in. He carefully tried to get it out. It squirted him. 2 more skunks got in. He kicked them out. He complained to the farmer. The farmer got upset. The screen door was broken. A puppy got in. I got him back out. There were now kittens, mice, puppies and skunks out on the porch. A sea gull, wings spread, tried to soar in. I was fighting them off. A hummingbird got in. It threatened my face." }, { "number": "0174", "head": "12/02/80", "content": "I woke up later and saw the word \"homosexual\" or heard it. It was small. I thought, \"Oh lord, no wonder I'm blocking.\" Then I thought maybe this means I am a homosexual, or just think I'm one, or afraid that I am one. I told myself to dream deeper. To explain more, that no matter what, I could handle it. It was better to live with no blocks, knowing myself as I truly am. Meanwhile, Nate had come over, really drunk, smelling of vomit and tried to make love to me. After he left, I had these dreams." }, { "number": "0175", "head": "12/02/80", "content": "I was in a house. It was rich. I wasn't welcomed. Nate was there, drunk and stinking. He kept chasing me, trying to make love to me. I was going up a long staircase and he'd catch me. I was not thrilled. A woman, his wife I think, was around and distrustful. I kept hearing a word, I don't know if it was \"Forgiven\" or \"Forbidden.\"" }, { "number": "0176", "head": "12/02/80", "content": "I was in a restaurant. 2 women were standing in front of me. One was saying to the other, \"It sure is crowded...Oh look I see a spot. Do you mind if we sit at separate tables?\" The other woman replied, \"Yes, I mind. I don't want to be alone.\" Then the other woman saw a spot, near a man. She said, \"Look, a man, over by the man. We can sit there.\" I was embarrassed and walked past them. I was looking for the restroom. The place was crowded. I walked to the back of the room. A long line of men were waiting for the men's restroom. I noticed there was no one waiting for the women's room. I thought, \"Oh, because there aren't many women here.\" I walked past a bench with 3 men on it. They looked at me. I felt nervous and dropped eye contact. I had to step over 2 men in wheelchairs that were in the way. I went to the women's room. It was empty. I looked into the stalls. One was filled with vomit. I yelled out, \"Nate!\" all annoyed. He came in to fix the toilets. He flushed one. It worked and filled with clean water. He looked at me and I at him like, \"Ah, good work.\" Then as he started to leave, it flushed again. We could tell by the sound that it was going to overflow. I looked around for someplace to sit, to get my feet up. I sat on the sink. The sewage and water spilled out on the floor and made a stream to the door, past me. Some women were coming in. I waved them to back up. I said, \"Get out, this place isn't working.\" The water was getting higher. I thought, \"If I stay here, I might drown,\" and then I knew that I couldn't, because the water was flowing out of the room. By now, I saw that the water was coming from a river, cold, clear water slightly contaminated with sewage. The water was waist high. George came up to me. He put his right hand to Andrea and with his left hand, he took my hand and pulled us into the water. We were going to swim for safety. I was a little annoyed. I didn't particularly feel I needed saving. He pulled me through the water. I tried to keep my cigs dry by holding them up and I tried to keep my head out of the water. When I kicked my feet or assisted, I got water in my face. When I let George pull, I was fine. We went through a door (the back of the toilet stall that had been a wall). A general in the army came up to me. I noticed that my feet touched bottom; the water was chest high. He looked at me with respect and compassion. He said, \"After you get past this door, you probably won't remember much but that's for the best.\" His tone and face indicated I had been very heroic and had been through a difficult time. We swam along. He asked me what brand I smoked. I smiled. I said, \"Salems.\" He said, \"Oh, good.\" He had Salems and was so pleased he wouldn't have to offend me with a different brand. I noticed that the Salems he offered me were shorter. I said, \"Oh, well, that's O.K.\" We swam into a lobby. I saw a young \"Mickey Rooney\" movie star. He was full of ego, asking people in a seemingly offhand way if they thought he was a good actor. Then someone said to me, \"Have you seen the movie '2 soccors'?,\" a story of 2 women who heroically trained for a race, or to play the game of soccer. I saw the woman training, running straight up a tracked hill and the pain and the exhaustion on their faces. I admired their guts. Then I said, \"I didn't like the movie because the movie featured the trials and tribulations of Robert Redford (a grown up Mickey Rooney), and only indirectly told the story of these brave women.\" Real sexist. I then saw Robert Redford up in a plane. It was about to explode and then it did. He reached back and picked up something and fell out. I thought, \"Ugh, how awful to be falling to Earth and knowing that in a few seconds you'll be dead.\" A bunch of jet planes, with flames coming out of the after burners, saw him fall and turned in formation to get to him. I thought, \"How silly. So many of them and they can't do any good.\" He crashed. I saw the jet land and was amazed how fast they could land. Then I walked back to the restaurant and the dream cycled over again." }, { "number": "0177", "head": "12/03/80", "content": "I am in acting class, during a break. I'm outside. I notice a commotion and see that Desmond has come back to town. He's greeting friends. He sees me. I smile. He holds out his arms to hug me. I walk into the hug. I feel slightly uptight and glad to see him. I say, \"There's a chair near where I'm sitting. I'll clear it off for you.\" He says, \"Great.\" I've got books all over it. I clear it off. I'm chewing bubble gum. I'm on the floor picking up books and papers and my mouth keeps filling with saliva. I am aware that he is preparing to show the class his scene that he left town to do. I look up. He's doing a male strip tease. He has an earring in one ear. He does a satire on stripping with a mild bump and grind. He runs to the audience. It looks like he's running to me and then he goes on to other members of the class. He dances around a large fat man. Then, 2 girls bring a pile of sheets and hold it around him so he can change his costume." }, { "number": "0178", "head": "12/05/80", "content": "A girlfriend and I went to an old high school wrestling match (like a reunion). I thought Darryl might be there. I watched others wrestle. One very big man and another littler man play \"wrestle.\" They ran up to the bleachers where I sat and play wrestled around me. I pretended to stand between them. Everyone laughed. I saw Darryl. He was sitting on other bleachers with other wrestlers. He came over to talk. We kissed twice, like old friends who were a little ill at ease. I remembered him saying, \"It was O.K., wasn't it?,\" (our past together). I said, \"Sure.\" I told him, \"It was lucky they had good doctors in this town. My appendix broke in E City and no one could fix it, so I had to come back to the old home town and they fixed it. That's why I happened to be at the matches.\" It was snowing outside the doors (the entire wall) was open. I asked if they could be shut. Darryl's mom asked pointedly if I wouldn't be leaving soon and maybe it'd be a bother to have to open them again. Darryl shut them. Then I went downstairs to get a couple of hamburgers to eat and realized it was 10 of 1 and I was late to pick up Paulina. I handed the raw hamburger patties with catsup on them to a woman and said, \"I'm late and have to go. Can you give these to whoever is in charge?\" She was perturbed at me and wanted to know why I didn't do it myself. I felt guilty and realized I'd done it again. I played helpless. I started to leave. The stairway was now a rough wooden beam I had to shinny up. I was getting splinters in my legs and it was difficult going. Then, I'm in my van looking for the freeway and I'm in a hurry." }, { "number": "0179", "head": "12/08/80", "content": "Something about the planet Saturn and focus. A sense of foreboding (or wondering what it meant). Mild & also Scorpio but it wasn't Scorpio." }, { "number": "0180", "head": "12/08/80", "content": "Claire K (a client) got engaged. She asked me if I was sad because she was engaged. I said, \"Yes and no.\" Yes, because she'd now be busy with someone else all the time and no because it was good for her. She gave me a pair of glasses to give to her daughter, quick. Her daughter would get sick and cause earthquakes or something if she didn't have her glasses on. I went in to the counselor meeting. Lucy was playing pool and all the counselors from the community college were there in a meeting. I stepped in front of Lucy to put the glasses on her. She peered at me. I put them on her. She said, \"Ah, you're Barb Sanders.\" The other counselors looked up at me (they were sitting), then she looked at all of them. \"Now,\" she said, \"You'll all have to say your names again so I'll know who you are.\" I saw Co-worker Tyler looking at me. I felt sad. I left the meeting. I felt like I'd lost my friends. I lamented to Claire, \"I could have been in that meeting with them all night and enjoyed them, but I can't now. It's all gone.\" Then I called Andrea to discuss my concern about Claire. She patched our call in with Susan G. Susan G disagreed with Andrea. She said, \"No, there's too much dog,\" (counselor talk for dogma). Andrea gasped. She was wrong and couldn't believe it. I felt a kind of \"gotcha\" feeling. Then I was vigorously ironing a skirt with lots of wrinkles. A pleat (like in a skirt I made in Jr. High). I was doing a pretty good job but making a few more wrinkles with my somewhat sloppy vigorous ironing method. The hem was undone and unraveled (frazzled)." }, { "number": "0181", "head": "12/11/80", "content": "Some man and I were chaperons or protectors of a group of adolescent children. We were in a jungle. There was a tribe out there in the jungle that was out to get us. I had 2 dogs to guard me wherever I went, a black one and a cream colored one. This man and I were very attracted to each other, in the throes of falling in love, but we were always involved with helping these kids. They were between us. Early one morning, I got up to take a bath on the porch. It was a rare moment of privacy. One of the adolescent boys woke up the man and suggested he take this opportunity to speak to me. He did. He approached me. We looked at each other. We were wearing bathrobes and mine was partially undone exposing parts of me in a seductive (innocent) way. I sprayed water on him from the hose and we laughed. He and I kissed. The dogs then got restless (not because of us but because they sensed danger from the jungle). The man and I were then captured by the enemy tribe (I never saw them), and taken away. Now we're in separate circles (like a hut, only there is no hut). I was naked, had long blonde hair I was tied up. I was eating food out of a dish like an animal. He snuck a message to me; it was written on computer print-out paper (the message was handwritten and in code). He started with \"Dear Naked Girl: Couldn't help but notice.\" It was a joke and I smiled. I then broke my bonds and was able to escape. I had a choice. I could assist him to break his bonds and we could escape together, or I could escape and send back help. He urged me to go on and I agreed reluctantly because I'd be likely to get caught again if I went back for him alone. I traveled through the jungle. It was rough. I made it back and rescued him by sending back reinforcements. Then, I was in an office with lots of window spaces. I was on the phone talking with some sales person. I kept asking for his product; he kept sending defective ones to me. I refused to accept it and then he sent me another and it was also defective and I refused it. Finally, I got angry. I told him firmly that not only will I not accept this shoddy treatment but I shall officially complain to his headquarters. He was pissed and left the phone. A woman secretary responded to me. She tiredly agreed but said it was probable it won't do any good. I noticed my evidence was fading away and I felt frustrated and wanted to give up the pursuit. Then, co-worker Tyler came into the office. He, Kathleen and I were to have a talk. Tyler and I walked up a long stair case and sat on the top (like thrones on a roller coaster ride). Then Kathleen came up the stairs. Someone said that she did a great job rescuing Tyler in the jungle single-handedly but now she should apologize to Tyler for undermining his male ego. Tyler looked relieved and said, \"Oh, good. I would really like that. It would help.\" I looked at him. I was surprised and sad because he was like all the rest and I thought he wasn't. Kathleen then approached slowly and ceremoniously. She bowed her head and said, \"I'm sorry, I'm sorry.\" I stood up and said, \"I'm sorry but I simply can't handle this. I'm leaving.\" I felt badly because of what was happening (both the scene and my leaving). I walked down the long steps and went into my office. I shut all the doors and windows and started pacing. I felt suppressed, upset, sad, and angry. I wanted to go back to explain to them why I had left, but I thought it was futile. I wanted to pack up and leave, but that would be quitting. Kathleen walked in. She was very angry with me. She lectured me and said, \"Isn't it amazing how one little thing can put a stop to everything? And it's all over?\" I said, \"Wait, I want to explain.\" She snapped, \"Explain? Tyler was ready. He wanted to get close. He said you should give up Ellie's estate because you can't handle her. He said you should not have changed your name and should change it back.\" I said, \"He told you that?\" I was half annoyed and half wondering what it all meant about Tyler and me. \"Would he have told me that if I'd stayed?\" She said, \"You? No, He would have told Helen.\" I wondered who Helen was but sensed that it was someone like a wife he had. Kathleen slammed the door on me. I went to the bottom of the stairs and looked up. I saw Tyler talking to the man in the jungle. I wanted to go up and talk to straighten it out, but then I gave up. It was too overwhelming." }, { "number": "0182", "head": "12/11/80", "content": "I had center coverage at 1:30 in the morning. The phone rang. It was Claire K, a client, then she changed to Ernie. He was threatening me. He was going to kill me. He was standing outside my locked door. I could see his feet through the crack at the bottom of the door. I quietly picked up the phone to call the police. The line was busy (twice)." }, { "number": "0183", "head": "12/11/80", "content": "I dreamt that I woke up to see my daughter Paulina floating on the ceiling. She was naked, with long blonde hair, sleeping in a curled position. I got frightened and looked to my right to be reassured that Paulina was her regular little girl self asleep beside me. She was, and I calmed down. I had a sense of fear about this visualization, like I was seeing her/me in a past life." }, { "number": "0184", "head": "12/13/80", "content": "I was 21 years old. My father was Jerry Lewis. I was going to go to the show. He and I were very close. We were hugging and touching all the time. The thought \"incestuous relationship\" came to mind, but I dismissed it because it didn't feel sexual. It felt suffocating and cloying. He loved me so much that he needed to be near me all the time. He treated me like a child. I wanted to see a particular movie because of a good looking movie star. He refused to let me. He was jealous of my interest in this other man. I told him, \"Hey, I'm 21 years old.\" He looked hurt and scared. He sneered and said, \"If you see this man, I'll cut you off from my money. Ha! How will you support yourself?\" I felt confident, strong. I said, \"I have skills and talents.\" I listed some and added that I could type 70 words a minute and if I had to, I could be a clerk-typist. I wouldn't starve. I left him. I felt sad to leave him but I knew I must go to be free to grow. I traveled alot. I think I went to college. I was in a dorm room. A woman came in, young. She was going to help me and that would be a nice surprise for me, a gift. She was going to fix up my room. I hid in the closet. She talked to me even though she didn't know where I was. She came to the closet. She said, \"I'm going to sort your clothes and I'll mend any that have rips in them.\" I hid in my blue bathrobe in the middle of the rack. She started at one end. She picked up a dress. It was frilly and small, like for a young girl. She said, \"I don't know why you chose this dress. It was silly of you to do it. You could have had the other. It was better,\" (I think the other was a serviceable sweat shirt). I felt somewhat embarrassed and amazed that I had chosen the baby dress. She started telling me she was jealous of me because I could always do everything so well, and I always got everything she wanted. I felt badly for her. I came out of the closet to talk with her. Then I heard an awful buzzing. I looked at the window. There were giant bees that looked like chickens that had flown in the room. Their heads were in the room, but their bodies were still outside. They were dangerous. We got scared and decided to leave the room. As we got to the door, one got in. He flew out down the hall and I tried to shut the door and he flew back into the room and I got out of the room and tried to shut the door. The woman handed me a rifle. She said to kill it. It was a 3030 rifle. \"This is the only size gun that will kill it.\" I started to take aim. A man (perhaps Howard), was holding the bee (now a cute black puppy), so I could kill it. I told the man to get out of the way. If I missed, he'd get hurt. He laughed. He had total confidence in my ability. He would not move. I couldn't get him to, so I took careful aim. The gun was covered with papers and a screw was loose. I tightened it up. It was complex and difficult, but I got the gun fixed. I took careful aim at the head of the bee/puppy and fired. I got it. It slowly died. It was awful to see. Then I went down the hall. My \"father\" was there. He was semi-laying on a waiting room bench. He looked old and ill, a dazed look in his eyes. He caught my hand and begged me silently to listen to him. He kept asking, \"Why, why, couldn't I have loved that man? Why did I decide he wouldn't do for my daughter? Because of him, she left me.\" I soothed him and said, \"Hey, you can't love everybody. It's O.K.\" He looked tired and sad. I looked into his ears. A white milky substance was in them. I was examining him like a doctor. Another doctor (male), came up to watch. My father looked \"caught\" and said, \"Oh why are you here? I don't want you to know.\" The male doctor picked him up to take him to the hospital. He had had a stroke and couldn't make his legs work. As he was being taken away, a cart with many beautiful things from all different foreign countries was coming down the hall for him. They were gifts from his daughter who was returning from his (her?) many travels to see him. Funeral or mystery music followed the cart." }, { "number": "0185", "head": "12/13/80", "content": "There was a meeting. A woman was lecturing. She gave us papers and we tested ourselves on some language disorder (we didn't have it; we were counselors and needed to know about the new test). Rochelle whispered to me, \"Shouldn't we ask her about her spinal disability?\" I said, \"No! Goodness, you know how you feel when people ask you personal questions.\" We argued. I then got a phone call. It was a client (Terrance). I answered the phone briskly. He stammered and said, \"Never mind.\" I felt badly and tried to be supportive. He hung up. Rochelle and I continued to argue, so I went up to the lady and diplomatically asked her impersonal questions to find out if she had a spinal disease. She fielded it and never answered. I dropped it. I left. When I got down to the street, I looked up at the windows. Rochelle put signs and pictures indicating to the world that I was a bastard and an all together rotten person. I shrugged my shoulders but felt embarrassed, because the counselors would all see it. I decided it didn't matter. I went into building across street and into my room. Co-worker Tyler and other counselors were there. They had decorated my room with Xmas things. Tyler was smiling and saying, \"2 years ago, we didn't have a chance to properly welcome you. So we're doing it now.\" It was pleasant." }, { "number": "0186", "head": "12/15/80", "content": "I was in a house, a ranch house. Paul Newman came in. We discussed what it was like when he took acting from the same teacher I am taking it from. He described doing real acting assignments in Hollywood. I was disappointed because all we do is rehearse and perform in class. I felt envious of his good experiences and sad that it still wasn't that way. As we were talking, a feeling of camaraderie developed. I then saw a flood rising outside. My rancher father was concerned because he'd have to ride out and see if it would threaten our ranch. I ran to the door and stopped him. I said, \"Wait. I'm a better rider and lighter. I'll go.\" He refused. I said, \"Are you afraid that if something happens to me, others will talk because I'm a girl and you should have gone.\" He muttered, \"Ya.\" I got ready to go. I looked out the window. Water was swirling around. Paul Newman looked to the mountains and said, \"It's not so bad.\" I drew him to the window and showed him. We were looking at the wrong place. He gave me his T-shirt to wear. It was too tight and he had to help me put it on. I was embarrassed. The water was rising and we had to escape out the window. We swam and found a high niche of ground and crawled up there. We kissed. There was a feeling of closeness. We really liked and respected each other. Then, the water receded and we had to go back. He and I were sad because we had to part. He was married and was in love with his wife. I got my horse and sloshed through the lowering water level back to the ranch alone." }, { "number": "0187", "head": "12/17/80", "content": "Nate dove into a pool and was caught by something strong and fierce, maybe a snake because he swirled and struggled in a downward struggle. I felt very detached. Then, I was sitting in my room and I heard a door in the back slam. Nate stumbled in clutching his stomach. He was in terrible pain. I went to him and he cried out in pain when I touched him. He said, \"Call the hospital. I was attacked!\" I was shook up. I tried to comfort him and looked for the hospital # in the phone book. I was looking in the yellow pages. I couldn't find it. I felt scared and frustrated. I talked to Nate. \"It's going to be all right.\" He said, \"Hurry, hurry, oh, the pain.\" I felt guilty because I realized that I had watched him struggle and didn't lift a finger to help him. I was also aware that the attack was meant for me. We were 1 block from the hospital. I said, \"Can I help you over there?\" He cried out, \"No, get an ambulance because of the pain!,\" (possible internal injuries). I tried looking in the white pages, but I couldn't find it, and then I noticed the part of the pages in the \"S's\" had been tampered with. I felt ominous, like the attacker had done it. I tried the yellow pages again. In frustration, I called information. A tired woman came on and said, \"I'll help you look for your number but I won't do it for you.\" I explained the emergency and she grudgingly agreed to find it while I was waiting. I said, \"Oh, I guess I can't visit you because I'll run into your wife.\" He said, \"Yes you can, I'll call when it's clear.\"" }, { "number": "0188", "head": "12/18/80", "content": "Lots of rain. I'm driving down a road. Parts of it are flooded. I see little cozy cottages, Victorian, with fireplaces. They look inviting. I pass up a bunch because there's a really nice one down the road." }, { "number": "0189", "head": "12/18/80", "content": "I am at L College." }, { "number": "0190", "head": "12/18/80", "content": "I go to a meeting. I walk in. I bring co-workers Josh and Dylan in with me. I sit in a high backed office chair (that has a foot rest like Dr. X's chair). I sit in it to get hypnotized. My chair is facing to the right, perpendicular to desk. An old lady and a detective are on the bench with Josh and Dylan and look to the man behind the desk. I introduce, \"Josh, Director of C. and Dylan, Coordinator of Counseling.\" The man behind the desk observes these guys with their titles and he introduces himself with some large title. Josh looks like his usual confused and uncertain self. Dylan looks supportive. I ask the man if he's done as I had asked, to find the person and all about him without letting him know anything about me. The detective and the old lady then took me to find this person. I don't know who it is (maybe my father)." }, { "number": "0191", "head": "12/19/80", "content": "I am in bed with Paulina but it's my office. I'm asleep. I'm awakened because Claudia comes in and sits on my pillow. She wants to talk to me about her troubles. I awaken in a start and mumble, \"I don't want to deal with you guys,\" (the C. department). She says, \"Oh no, it's just my problem,\" and blabs on. Finally she leaves. I start to go back to sleep. Paulina twists and mumbles in her sleep. She \"follows me\" around on the bed in her sleep. She wants to be near me all the time. Then I'm aware that she has wet the bed. Then the door opens and Fletcher comes in. He's lost weight. He gives me a ring and a bracelet. I say, \"What's this?\" He says, \"It's a token of my love for you.\" He has come to tell me he loves me. I feel uncomfortable because I don't love him. I say, \"I can't accept these gifts,\" and he sits with his back to me at the foot of the bed and says, \"Oh, don't worry, they're worthless. Just trinkets I picked up.\" I ask, \"Are you sure?,\" (because I think he's lying and they are valuable). Paulina stirs. I worry about her hearing. I feel jealousy from her. Then Fletcher starts talking about us. He's come so we can be together now. I'm thinking, \"Oh, wait a minute! What's going on here?\" He brings in a wire rack with things hanging off it, a glove, roses on a hat. I look at them nostalgically. I say, \"How nice it is to see old parts of costumes I used to wear in a play.\" I put on the glove. It's leather (and too big). I am enjoying the articles and the fond memories of plays on stage. I'm aware of counseling people listening in at the door. He's now sitting up at the head of the bed. I look at him and pause, and then I say \"I don't love you.\" I'm aware then of my abruptness and worry about having hurt his feelings. I then say, \"But I like you, as a friend.\" He grimaces but accepts. Then Paulina and I get up. An older couple is at the door. It's very windy and cloudy but they are going to give us a helicopter ride. I ask the man, \"Is this safe?\" He says, \"Sure, no problem. The copter will go up over the winds and will have a safe journey.\" We get in. The winds are fierce. We go high real fast. I think, \"Oh dear, I'm afraid of heights.\" I then look out and we're so high that I'm not scared anymore. It's fun. It's a smooth ride. We ride over the river and the clouds. We land on the other side (N City, I think). We stay for awhile and then go back. Now I'm in the bed again with Paulina and Fletcher is there. I say, \"You'd better go. I think the hotel manager is listening in and he's out to get you.\" I go to the door and open it up. He's out there. He's a short man (the guy in Taxi on T.V). He's a meany, suspicious. We talk. I pretend innocence. Then Fletcher comes out. He says, \"I'll see you later,\" and walks past us. The manager is very upset. He wants to strangle Fletcher. Fletcher is playing with him. Fletcher yells taunts or makes funny faces and then pretends to run. The manager tears after him and almost catches him and then Fletcher runs again to do it all over. I feel apprehension and yell at Fletcher, \"Cut it out; he could really hurt you.\" Fletcher keeps it up. Then at the top of the stairs, the manager catches Fletcher and starts to strangle him. Fletcher makes an awful sound in his throat. Just then, I wake up because Paulina is snoring." }, { "number": "0192", "head": "12/19/80", "content": "I'm in an acting class. We have to chose a final scene. I chose a humorous monologue that has few words, most of it is gestures. I start to practice. There is a feeling of nervous performance energy. I get into my costume. I'm pacing and rehearsing. The owner of the tavern/acting instructor comes over to me. He has to leave for awhile. He asks me to take over temporarily. I am a little annoyed and surprised because I'm into my rehearsal. I agree. I go out to the table and sit down. The customers are watching the finals. A girl is up onstage doing her monologue. A drunk yells out, \"Everybody be quiet, I want to watch her!\" A man at the next table behind him yells, \"The only one being noisy here is you!\" The drunk gets up. He yells, \"I knew some drunk would ruin it.\" He goes to the other man and pulls and twists his nose. A big fight starts. I think, \"Oh no,\" and then I feel strong enough to handle it. I get up and firmly grasp one of the fighters by the shoulders and firmly tell him he has to leave. Even though the place is in an uproar, they hear me and start to calm down. I think it is ironic that I have to throw out the man who claimed he wanted it quiet and then started the fight. After he leaves, the boss comes back. He's asking me how it went and I'm telling him. While I'm talking, he sits in front of me and looks up at me with sexy desire in his eyes. I look very beautiful but my costume is satin cushions or pillows over the front of me. He is caressing those pillows tentatively like he'd like to remove them and touch me but isn't sure of himself in terms of how I would react. I am emotionally somewhat removed and just watching him." }, { "number": "0193", "head": "12/20/80", "content": "I am having an affair with Pedro (dean at the community college). We are sitting at a luncheon table. I am in my wheelchair. I drive up to the table and my foot petal gets caught on the leg of the table and I cause the whole table to move. I am embarrassed and get wide eyed and cover my mouth with my hand. Someone named Mitzy gets squished a little and I ask her if she's all right. I have to go teach a class. Somehow, everyone has found out about the affair and I'm embarrassed. I decide to cancel my class, so at 3:00, I won't have to meet Pedro. However, I had ordered some books and they had just come in. Paulina and I go to the gym to get the books. The gym is in the same building as my class, so I sort of sneak in. I ask directions. I find it. I start looking for my sack of books. I see some needlepoint and I think it's mine. A lady comes up to me and asks how she can buy the books. I say, \"Oh no, these are ordered. If you take some books you are taking them away from others.\" \"Oh,\" she says, \"I didn't know.\" Paulina and I leave. There is a big vicious dog, a German Shepherd with teeth barred. We run and get into the van so he can't get us. Some man in the van laughs and says, \"Ha! So you think he's vicious, huh? I can handle him.\" He opens the door. I plead with him not to. He goes out there. I'm afraid. I shut the door so he can't get me and Paulina (the dog). I notice the keys are in the ignition and I feel a little safer. Pedro is with us now. Then a lady says she's going out there. The dog's been tamed. I plead with her. She goes. I hear the dog attack her, and rip her to shreds. Later, the coast seems clear, so Paulina and I scramble out of the van and into the building for safety." }, { "number": "0194", "head": "12/21/80", "content": "There is some sort of meeting. A bunch of male counselors and me. Hank, Tyler, some others and I meet on an island. This is our second meeting. The first one was five years ago. We greet each other enthusiastically. I'm talking to Hank. I'm reminiscing about the first meeting. I say, \"Can you imagine, we had Nixon and XXX, his side kick, here. I say it somewhat hushed because I'm not sure if everybody feels the same way I do. I'm amazed that we'd have sickies like that in our group." }, { "number": "0195", "head": "12/21/80", "content": "I'm teaching class. One of my students is questioning something. I'm being patient. Co-worker Josh and Pedro come to see me. They are full of some news or concern. They show me a large board with metal bars displayed on it. These are the new bars for the jail. They strike the bars and musical notes sound. It's very pretty. They say, \"But, well, radical Feminists.\" I say, \"I don't understand.\" They look embarrassed. One says, \"You know what we mean.\" I say, \"No, I don't. Please explain.\" They start to explain but it's confusing. It's something about how awful it will be to have radical Feminists in the same jail as the physically disabled. Contamination, bad stuff. I am a little amused by them. I say, \"I still don't understand.\" They say, \"Wait, we'll get something and come back to explain.\" They leave. I feel that they are leaving to get more at ease so they can come back and not be so embarrassed. There are 2 metal boxes. They are hot. It's a train. A little girl gets out of one box. Then a metal tong reaches into the second box. Many letters and papers and money are pulled out. The metal tongs are necessary because everything in the box is so hot. The papers and financial stuff are cooling. There is a feeling that the little girl is poor and an object of fun." }, { "number": "0196", "head": "12/22/80", "content": "I wanted some ice cream. I bought some hot buttered rum, really syrupy and sugary. I took it home to the old house in M City. My mother saw it and said, \"Oh, now, I'll pay for that.\" I said, \"No, it's O.K. You don't have to pay me back. Just have some.\" But even as I said it, I knew she would pay me back and I would accept gladly. Later, I told my brother Dwight that my van wasn't running quite right. There was a loping in the motor sound. I said, \"I guess I'll take it to be fixed. How much will it cost?\" He said, \"I'll do it for you and won't charge much.\" My mother wore blue jeans." }, { "number": "0197", "head": "12/22/80", "content": "I own a restaurant. I am supervising the cooking. I am making bread. It's easy for me to kneed the dough. I am aware that I couldn't do that \"before\" or in real life. I take a wooden board with a long handle and pull out beautiful loaves of bread, freshly baked. I put in new loaves of dough. They start to get tangled up. As I'm fixing it, word comes to me that a General has ordered one of my special breads, so I weave the loaves together and cook it. It is beautiful. I cut it open. There are interwoven tunnels in the white, feathery, textured bread. I pour melted butter down the tunnels. I am impressed with my own cleverness. I decide to carry it to the General myself. I am wearing a long silk, white evening gown. I am older (late 40's, early 50's), but looking good. I walk through the messy, busy kitchen. At the next room is the transition room from the kitchen to the fancy restaurant. I take off the apron and trade the wooden board for a silver tray with fancy napkins on it. I walk out into the restaurant. I ask, \"What table?\" It's either 21 or 12, I'm not sure. I go into a private room, lots of drunken people. As I look for the table, I'm thinking, \"I hope I can find the table. Don't be silly, you own the place, you know where everything is.\" I find the General and start to place the bread in front of him. A woman in his party starts to take it away from me to do it herself. I politely but firmly insist I do it myself (after all, I did the work and I want the credit). She and I have a tug of war. Then I notice the General is very drunk. I point out to him all the tunnels and the butter but he is unimpressed. He's talking about his problems. He puts his arm around my waist and I sit on his lap. He mutters about how the people don't care anymore. He'll lose the election. He tried. He's fair-haired and for the other people, he got a minister that was dark \"Rizzo-Egyptian dark,\" he kept saying. I realize then that he wasn't going to appreciate my fine restaurant, or order a big dinner (which I tried to sell him), or tell his friends about my place. My attitude was one of \"c'est la vie,\" such is life. No hard feelings. Resignation." }, { "number": "0198", "head": "12/23/80", "content": "I'm dreaming that I had a series of dreams. Part of the pieces of the puzzle or answer is in them. Then I just sporadically dream a new series and don't write them down. Somewhere in the new series is the answer." }, { "number": "0199", "head": "12/23/80", "content": "I dreamt I was in bed, here in M City. It is 2:00 am. I hear the football game playing on T.V. or radio. It's very loud. I'm amazed that a football game is on at that time. I'm also angry that my father is playing it so loud. Valerie, my sister-in-law, comes in to talk. We are looking at the same things on the bed, like Christmas gifts I made or something. We're talking. Then the football game is off but some T.V. program is on. I say, \"Who's watching T.V.?\" Valerie says, \"Ellie.\" I say, \"Oh ho. Send her in.\" Then I yell, \"Hey Ellie, come here a minute!\" She says, \"No.\" I say, \"Ya. I want to talk to you. Turn that thing off. It's too loud and it will wake grandma.\" She says, \"No, it won't.\" My father is listening to the football game in their bedroom on the radio. Paulina wanders through. I'm talking about swimming. Oh, earlier I had dreamt that I was invited to go swimming at Peter M's house (he's a para, a student at the community college). He, his wife, and I were swimming in a small \"hot tub\" swimming pool in his backyard. There's some connection between his wife and Valerie, like they are the same woman. I think I was embarrassed because I could get up and walk and he couldn't, like he'd resent me or something. Anyway, I look at Ellie (I'm back in the bedroom in M City). One arm looks longer than the other, longer than mine, even. I say, \"Come here. Let me feel your arm.\" She smiles, self-consciously and reluctantly comes over. I turn so I'm in front of her. I lay her left arm next to my left arm. It is quite longer than mine. I'm amazed. I call Valerie over to look. I then ask Ellie to reach both her arms out in front of her. She does so reluctantly. It's hard for her to move the right one. The left one is huge. The hand is huge. Then I push back the sleeve of her left arm and feel it. I am horrified to discover she has 2 elbows. There are some wrinkles, old age skin, and scars. Ginny and her son Ricardo come in with my mail from the P.O. box in M City. Someone says, \"How nice. She picked up your mail.\" I say to her, \"How can I have not noticed all these years that she has 2 elbows?\" there is a sense of astonishment tinged with guilt and some distress because she's disabled now, but I'm not too worried about that. I am aware that she wanted to be unique in some way and has chosen this way. I look at the mail. There are 2 statements from the M City branch bank and a wooden board from the community college Performing arts with art work (3-d) on it, ceramic statues, carved wood, etc. I feel somewhat honored that I am considered part of the community college Performing Arts department. I guess I'm an honorary member. It's an election for officers. Directions are on the board. George and Greg are 2 names I could read. I have to lift up blocks of wood beside the name I am to vote for. I think, \"George? He works for me. Oh, it must be a different George.\"" }, { "number": "0200", "head": "12/23/80", "content": "Ginny and I have an argument. She's explaining something to me. I find it hard to listen. I then see she's saying and doing some incredible things. Things and words and colors are coming out of her mouth like vomit. I'm scared and concerned for her and I'm also upset because these things have meaning for me, to help me. I ask her what drug she's on. My brother Dwight is there. She says, \"9.\" I ask Dwight what that is. She follows me around and won't stop. After what seems like a long time, I start to do it too. Suddenly I see dazzling, sparkling blue and red colors like fireworks or prism colors on the end of my tongue. Ginny's face goes out of focus. I am aware that I'm letting go and I'm in a different state of awareness. I talk rapidly, non-stop, and I'm vaguely aware that I might be saying hurtful things that could hurt other people's feelings, but I know I must and it's O.K. It spews out of me unchecked." }, { "number": "0201", "head": "12/23/80", "content": "I'm in a large room. A sort of party is happening. There are lots of people. I know them. Some are counselors. One is reading a joke. I listen. It's about a bull. Suddenly I realize the end of the joke is \"blue balls\" and I say, \"Oh!,\" and get up and walk out. I don't want to hear the rest of the joke. They laugh at me for my prudishness/innocence. I'm a little embarrassed (they are being good-natured, not mean). I go into the other room. I notice that they've changed the floor coverings. There used to be 1/2 carpet and 1/2 green linoleum on the floor. Now there's carpet in one and linoleum in the other. The linoleum is padded. I hear them tell another story/joke. I hear the words \"wheelchair,\" and I think the other word is \"free.\" I'm not sure. I'm interested and go back into 1st room. They laugh again because they knew my attention would be caught." }, { "number": "0202", "head": "12/23/80", "content": "The girls and I are somewhere. I have a new cat. He's there to replace the other one. The cat's job is to hold things for me. I hold the cat (a half-grown kitten), and he holds the articles in question, some yarn and other things. He's new on the job and drops some things. He apologizes and says he'll get it. I suggest that if I hold him sideways to my chest, he will be more comfortable and will be able to hold the articles better. He agrees to try. I change his position. He's being held like a baby. His little paws are curled up over his fat little tummy. The girls and I are walking past a building. It's an apartment. I hear gospel singing. The windows shine with light. I am sneaking by quietly. I don't want to disturb my neighbors. I peek in and see blacks singing (women with bandannas on their heads). I enjoy the music but somehow feel drawn and simultaneously hold back from it. We go on." }, { "number": "0203", "head": "12/23/80", "content": "I am given a cabin/house on a river. A man, rich, my neighbor up on the hill gives it to me. He watches me. I never see him. I always feel him watching me. There are lots of children, cats and dogs in this house. I am being artistic and making things. I am checking my horoscope. The man asks me to his house for a date. At first I am reluctant, but my teenage daughter convinces me it will be fun. I go to the bathroom to get ready. There are 3 bathtubs, all ornate, gold faucets, lots of mirrors, and bare walls. It's like I'm trying to create a mansion out of a cabin. There are a lot of different shampoos all different colors, each one vibrationally in tune with a different aspect of my chart. The bath tub is special; it massages away my arthritis. I get in and look in my mirrors. My hair is curly, white, and there are large bald spots. I am appalled. As I play with my hair, I pull some out. Then they grow longer and I put it back on my head and I'm O.K. I dress up real snazzy. I go out on the back porch. I see men fishing in the stream/river. Work crews are fixing a road on the hill. My brother Jake is there, on the porch. I go back in. There are lots of teen age kids, some adopted. They are in a downstairs bathroom. A long line of cats in a catalogue. Each has a special shampoo for them. First, a white Persian gets a banana shampoo, then a gray cat gets a green one, and on down the line. Now they are real and one reaches out his paws and hugs the next cat's head, his green shampoo gets on the other one. Then my teen age boy/me says, \"What next?,\" and opens the door to the other bathroom (I think I was just observing this). A young boy is in there. The boy/me says, \"Well, heavens, when I was your age, I was in the bathroom a lot too, but not with a girl,\" as he sees a young girl. The other boy says, \"Yes, but see she's a XXX girl (meaning before puberty, no breasts, very boyish but pretty). The boy/me says, \"Well, at least XXX isn't giving me any trouble. He's new to the family. I adopted him.\" Just then, we hear him upstairs crying out, \"Stop it Yerg, stop it!\" The boy goes upstairs and I follow. Lots of kids are up there. The young adopted person is upset because Yerg (a dog), is stepping on his art papers. I call Yerg to me (backwards for grey). He is a young man, dressed in a suit shirt and tie. I say, \"You have to stop that. You are a dog.\" Yerg bends over and pats my head. I find it difficult to explain to him that he's a dog, not me. That's what I'm supposed to do to him. He seems confused and offended. The kids plead with me to just like him be as he is, and not insist he be a regular dog." }, { "number": "0204", "head": "12/24/80", "content": "I'm at work, which is like a set of bleachers. I talk to a lot of people, and go to a meeting about dial-a-bus. My cousin Terence comes driving back into town. He comments to me that he thinks he'll hang out around town for the winter and maybe permanently if the XXX industry will get its act together (furniture or construction). Terence is also sort of my brother Dwight. I'm glad he's around. He travels so much. A race car with a man, chubby, with a guitar and some woman comes to town. He sets up for a concert. I am getting some of my clothes that are laying around the bleachers as he is setting up. I ask someone where the blue bag of clothes is. She says, \"Over there.\" As I go to it, the man with the guitar steps his foot in it as he is playing and singing. I get down on my knees and look up at him and politely ask him to move. He does so. I pull out various turtle neck sweaters. He is singing \"Ghost Riders in the Sky.\" I sing along with him. He hears me and starts singing the high part. I sing real low, at the lowest edge of my voice limit. I forget some of the words. The women just look at me, like I'm infringing on this man's concert. He's being somewhat patronizing and I'm showing off, hoping someone will notice my nice voice." }, { "number": "0205", "head": "12/24/80", "content": "I am getting ready to do a scene for acting class. Paulina and I gather up my props, which involve a lot of clothes, a rose, and other things. We are walking across a wooden foot bridge with a huge river underneath. Most everyone else is walking the longer and safer, lower zigzag path beneath the straight path I'm walking. A heavy wind is pelting the footbridge and it is swaying. It is hard to maintain my footing. I fall against the rope railing. My props, some of them fall to the foot bridge around my feet. A man stands before me. He looks searchingly into my eyes. I am annoyed with him. I'm ready to refuse his offer to help me. Then I see that I need his help. He asks and I accept. I turn to Paulina and say, \"Why am I so abrupt just before I need help? It's a good thing I didn't say anything.\" We all make it to the auditorium. The young man and I do our scene, except for the last part. Then someone else does theirs. I have to go to the john, so I find one. There are 3 toilets in one stall. 2 are broken. One is like my wheelchair. I step around it. The other is to my left. When I sit on the 3rd toilet, it is broken and has red things floating in it (like red glass, thin twisted rods). I realize I mustn't go to the bathroom because I'm in my bed, dreaming. I get up and go back to the auditorium. It's time to finish my scene. I am now sitting in my wheelchair watching the young man give his lines. I suddenly realize I shouldn't be just watching, I'm supposed to be in character, listening, and I have some lines coming up. I feel panicky because I can't remember the lines. Somehow it ends so I don't have to show my mistake. I go off to read my lines so I can remember them. An old roommate then does a monologue on stage; she asks me to be backstage for moral support. Paulina and I walk back there and we lie down near the curtain so no one will see us. We can see them. They are a long way down. My old roommate does her scene. It involves a little girlish/woman who is sweeping the dirt off the step. She speaks a few lines. It could be better. Ethan and the rest of the class call out suggestions for her. One plays music that sounds like a trumpet on her mouth. Soon we have a musical bit. The class comes up to dance in unison, and the curtains keep opening wider and Paulina and I must keep retreating, back and back to stay hidden. I want to join the musical but Ethan looks at me and I know the answer is no, because I can't dance. The stage looks huge, long and narrow." }, { "number": "0206", "head": "12/25/80", "content": "A vocational rehab counselor was questioning me about my cousin Sonja and her capabilities as a VR counselor in the coast office. I told him that Sonja and I go back as far as birth. She had a few things to learn yet, but she was pretty good. He said he wanted to know more. We got into a car and drove to the M City house. There was some snow on the ground. I suggested that he park in the driveway. I say, \"Turn right into the driveway.\" He obstinately turned left into a bank of dirt and snow. He and I agree that that won't do. He turned the car around and parked on the street, facing the \"bad corner.\" I was concerned but saw another car was parked right on the corner so that we were protected from collision. We go into the house. I took him the full length of the house to the far end. I say, \"Let's start at the oldest part.\" It was a freshly remodeled room, empty of furniture, and freshly painted. I told him how this used to be a half-finished garage. I pointed out where the grape vines used to be. It was now a lovely wall with windows. We moved to the next room, the rec room. I pointed to the door. I said, \"It used to be somewhere else. I still can't get used to it being there and it startles me when it opens. It too has been freshly remodeled.\" As he and I had driven up to the house, I had pointed out the rising creek that was in flood stage. I told him that sometimes the creek came right up to the door and sometimes came in and started to flood the house. [BL]" }, { "number": "0207", "head": "12/25/80", "content": "I have borrowed a puppy and a kitten from \"borrow-a-pet\" on a Saturday afternoon. I am playing with them and cooing over them. They are very sweet. The purpose is to play with them to get acquainted and then you can choose the right one. I take them back and put them in their drawers, kittens in the 3rd drawer, puppies in the 4th drawer, except I notice that there are new born kittens in the 4th drawer. I also notice 2 striped cats that blend in with the surroundings and 2 miniature zebras. Co-worker Tyler is in the kitchen room we are in. He's cooking a hamburger steak in the oven. It's time to take it out but he can't find the hot pad. I find the hot pads, and take the steaks out. He then tells me how talented I am with crafts and making things. He says he has a married couple he is counseling, a doctor husband, and 2 boys. They don't communicate with each other. They are people oriented all day and when they get together, they don't get together. I said, \"Oh, you want me to teach them a craft so they can get together?\" Tyler said, \"Right.\" I say, \"Well, which craft shall I teach them?\" Tyler looks at me with exasperation. \"You're the one doing it, you'll know which one.\" I look at him, slightly startled, and a little put out. Then I decide to take a number of crafts and they can learn a variety and choose for themselves. Tyler agrees that's a good idea. I get in my van and drive there, a dirt road, muddy, and difficult to stay on. There is a lake on the left and it's important not to slide into the lake (some danger). I look down the road. At the end is a Victorian house and I know it's the one. I drive to the edge of the land. Now I get out of the van. The 2 boys are there. I must walk down wooden decking as the house is on the lake. I am stepping down a rope and wood ladder (like on ships). The woman asks if I need help. I am annoyed. I say, \"No. I can do this.\" Then I comment on how lovely of a house it is, and that it's so nice on the lake. I go in and start to teach the craft. Now the scene is changed. Mabel is upset with me. I am telling her she heard something someone said incorrectly (she's the woman I counseled). She asks people around her what was said. I encourage them to tell what they had heard. I am right. She is wrong, but she's crying. \"You should have...,\"(maybe told me)!" }, { "number": "0208", "head": "12/25/80", "content": "The 2 boys come from their counseling session. They are both naked. I ask them why. They are going to audition for a play. I say, \"Huh? Well, O.K.\" We go into a building down a hall and into a small office only it's like a doctor's examining room. A 3rd boy joins us, also naked. We all get up on the examining table, sort of bed. Chubby is sitting cross-legged in front and to the left. The new boy is to the right and the younger one is rollicking around. He is playfully wrestling with me. He rolls under me and now he's laying and I am sitting crouched over him, his penis under my vagina. I am aware that it's not proper for boys to be naked and yet only partly mind it. I am talking to chubby and looking at him and the boy under me is innocently or absent-mindedly pretending that he is a man and pushing up gently, a child's play version of coitus. I am aware of it. Part of me ignores it. Part of me is a little shocked and part of me is playing too. I say to chubby, \"Let me tell you something about auditions. I've done them O.K.? I'm an actress.\" I'm very serious and chubby listens attentively. \"It's better to go with your clothes on. They'll think you're weird if you go naked and only see your nakedness, not your talent. If you go clothed, they'll see your talent and then if they need a naked boy for the play, they'll ask you to take your clothes off and then that's O.K.\" The boys agree that I'm right, and we are all impressed with the fact that I made logical sense instead of being just prudish or grown up, up-tight about it. I say, \"Are you going to audition first and then the counseling session, or vice versa?\" They say they want to audition first. They all leave. I feel very sleepy and tired. I lay down and start to drift off to sleep, glad for a few minutes to nap. I try to turn off the lights. I hit the light switch. Nothing happens, and I see another one, but nothing happens. Then around the corner are 3 more. I try them. One works, temporarily. I look at the switches closer. There are lots of gradations. It's a very sensitive and tricky switch, with plastic joints in it. I get frustrated and yell, \"To hell with it!\" I go to sleep. Then the boys come back and I counsel them." }, { "number": "0209", "head": "12/25/80", "content": "I had another dream but had trouble waking up. I remembered thinking, \"Forget it, I don't want to remember this one.\" I repeated that and then realized that it must be important. I sat up to write it down and it was gone. A \"to hell with it\" kind of feeling-tone, like with the light switch. The name Roger and a feeling about movement, avalanches." }, { "number": "0210", "head": "12/26/80", "content": "I was going to exchange some old metal things I had, take them to the used metal things store (cradles, adult size, lots of things, a whole attic full). I was going to trade them in for new things but was a little peeved at myself for my ridiculousness because all you can trade in used metal things for in a used metal store is different used metal things. Then my acting class and I were in my house. Ethan was talking to us over the phone. He said that he was sorry he couldn't be there to teach the class today, but we should all go to the library to get articles from 1950's magazines. It would teach us a good acting lesson. I was pleased. I'd done this before and it was fun to look back at that era. I went. We all came back to my house. I had a bunch of magazines, Good Housekeeping, etc. Then they were record albums. I put one on; the Gee-Gee Brothers. Ethan then came into the house. I was wearing a robe that kept slipping open. I kept trying to re-tie the sash and I held it tightly around me. Ethan watched dispassionately. He again apologized for being busy and unable to be there for class. I said, \"Oh, it's fine because I liked the assignment. In fact I've done it once before, a sociological project. I took sociology before psychology.\" Then he said, \"And what did you learn?\" I pulled my robe tighter around me and noticed with annoyance I kept doing that. I went to go change the long playing 50's record for another. When I came back, Ethan was sweating and his shirt was wet with perspiration. He had it half off. I sat on the couch. Other students were wandering around. Ethan half laid on the arm of the couch, watching me intently. Like a teacher, with some slight care in his face, he had a message to impart and he wanted to be gentle (for him). I said, \"About my acting...\" He said, \"Next term, I want you to work on characters unlike yourself, reach out, expand, use bigger gestures.\" I said, \"You know, in my acting final, you saw that, yes? Well, I kept laughing. You broke me up, I broke me up, my partner broke me up.\" He frowned. I said, \"I know, you see, I'm good at comedy. I've always done little skits that I write and then act in.\" I was sort of bragging, hoping he'd notice my creativity. He was dead pan. I went on, \"And so I act me. I have good comedic timing. Now I need to learn to really act.\" He nodded. He suggested I practice saying a sentence that ends in all right...all right (someone's name), to get the inflections all right. Then he looked up. Someone was coming in the door. \"Oh,\" he said pulling his shirt back on (it was his wife). \"I had better straighten up here.\" It was a joke. Then 2 delivery boys came to the door. The first one handed me a package, books I had ordered. The second one ran around him and shoved his package into my hands ahead of #1 boy. #1 boy was amazed, so I took the first package that was put in my hands. It was my new checks from the bank. #1 boy left, upset. I looked at him wondering if he expected a tip. He just grimaced and left. I opened the checks. I saw my picture on the check, like my master's degree student days, with long frizzy hair. I was surprised, they had updated the picture. Then as I looked, each picture on each check was different. They looked awful. In one, I was playfully kissing Cory. A woman stood outside, looking in the window. She said something. I didn't hear her and said, \"Huh?\" She repeated. \"Ya, I saw them too, they are pretty funny looking.\"" }, { "number": "0211", "head": "12/27/80", "content": "I have come home from a play or a costume party to a small apartment. I am expecting someone, a male, I think Desmond. I have a Little Bo Peep costume and hat on (like I wore for Halloween), only it's blue. I have lots of blue eyeshadow on my eyes. I go into the bedroom to a bathroom. I look in the mirror and like what I see. I decide to stay in costume for when Desmond comes over. It's later in the evening and I've been in the costume for many hours. My makeup feels itchy, so I go to bathroom number 2. I look in the mirror. I have blue make up all over my face and white highliner. I see some of the makeup is coming off. I decide to wash my face before Desmond comes. I will keep the dress and the blue feather earrings on though. I start to wash my face. My wheelchair is the toilet. It's messy. I think I should clean if off (shit). It's behind me as I stand at the sink. Every time I bend over to the sink, my dress brushes on the messy part. I get annoyed. The light bulbs are getting dim. I turn and pull a chain on one fixture. A small bulb barely lights up the place. I turn to the double sink and turn on the water, and scrub my face with soap and water. Most of the blue is gone and some of the red is smeared. I feel like I'm in a hurry to look pretty. The light bulb goes out. I see the sinks have overflowed onto the floor. I'm standing barefoot on soggy carpet with water to mid-calf. I pull the plug and all the water goes away. I look in the mirror again and pull many clips from my long hair which kept my hair up under my fancy hat. Now, it's nearly totally dark. I go from one light fixture to another, pulling their chains but all the bulbs are blown. I think, \"I could go get new lightbulbs.\" They are in the closet but I can't seem to find the closet. I feel closed in by the dark. I grab my hat, put it back on, leave the room, remember my earrings, and decide not to go back to get them. I go to the bedroom (unused), and look in the mirror, then into bathroom #1. There are some Xmas cards taped to the door." }, { "number": "0212", "head": "12/27/80", "content": "I go diving in the deep river. It's 300 ft. Someone else and I must wear diving helmets and suits because it is so deep. Then, a huge shark attacks. There is blood swirling in the water. One of us is hurt. I'm not sure if I ran and the other is hurt or if it was me. Now, I'm on land. I'm leaving. I'm making gifts for people. I have a cake. I wrap it in cellophane. I then see a sack of candy bits and lollipops in bags in my desk drawer. I say, \"Oh, too bad the cake is wrapped.\" I feel a little badly because the gift isn't much. Also, I don't want to just throw things away. Someone says, \"You can unwrap it.\" They lift the cellophane. I put 4 different kinds of candy on the 4 sections of the cake. There is a second shark scene. Then, I'm auditioning or acting. Then, I'm in the C. department meeting. I watch. We are trying a new way. The women are being patronized and told to be quiet. It doesn't matter. I feel the need to speak. I ask Dylan permission in an adult way. \"I have something to say. It might hurt some and might help me.\" He says, \"Go ahead.\" Dickie glares at me. I say, \"Part of me likes what's happening. Small groups are getting to know each other better, and are opening up and talking more honestly with each other (I vaguely remember that this is sort of what I had complained about earlier), however, there is still sexism here in the large group. Women are being told they don't matter.\" The group had nodded agreement during the 1st part, but Dickie is upset with me for the second part. I feel sad because I'm also making my farewells. I'm leaving them (to act, I think). I'm good for them and they won't listen. I go to pack (I'm in my wheelchair at the end)." }, { "number": "0213", "head": "12/29/80", "content": "The family was going to move. It was a sort of a \"Father knows best\" family. A woman, older (a Lady XXX type, a sad woman I knew in XXX who was lonely and threatened suicide), came by and threatened suicide. Some of my family decided to stay to help her. Then, I was on the road, driving. I looked up to see part of my family in a truck, semi-crashed across the road, but everyone was O.K. I went on down the road and saw Lady XXX's beat up old van/housetrailer crashed into a bank. She was O.K. She was a bit sheepish and stubborn. I thought that she had tried to die. I was annoyed at her because it was causing trouble for my family. I looked up, and across the street was a huge home-made camper, a complete house for a large family on wheels including a back porch. I was laying down in the back of Lady XXX's van with Lady XXX comforting her. I started to go to my family but Lady XXX holds on to me. She didn't want me to leave her. I looked out the window again and saw my teen-age \"brothers and sisters\" out for a walk to stretch their legs. Some younger ones opened the van and crawled in. I decided to join my family. I got out, against Lady XXX's protests. I was driven across the street by a brother, a younger brother. I was surprised he knew how to drive. He asked which entrance I wanted to use to get into the camper. He says, \"It doesn't matter which.\" The back entrance had 4 steps. The front entrance had a huge flight of stairs first going up and then down, with a landing or two here and there. I said indignantly, \"It does too matter. I'm not walking all those steps.\" I went to the back and got in. Now it was just a big, crowded van. My \"brother\" was talking as he was driving and not paying attention. He let some of the wheels go over the edge of a cliff that went straight down to the sea. He looked at my \"dad\" and was horrified. My father waited to see if he would wake up. I was horrified because we were all going to crash to our death. The van slid slowly over the edge and stopped. I knew if anyone moved, it would then continue sliding to the sea and then, death. I decided to save myself. I decided I'd crawl over bodies of my family if necessary but I'd save myself. I started to carefully crawl up and out. A 1 year old baby was caught upside down near me. I grasped the edge of the cliff. Then, I just couldn't leave her, so I reached down and grabbed the baby and threw her up to safety. I felt scared and sad. I scrambled up to the road edge and started grabbing any babies or people around, to assist them. The van tumbled half-way down the cliff. People and things were scattered all over. I saw \"dad\" half-way down and I yelled, \"Dad, dad, dad!\" I say, \"Here, reach up, I can pull you up.\" He looked at me sadly. I felt fear that he was too big and would pull me back over. I was also afraid he wouldn't try to reach up to me. I got a blanket and leaned it over the edge to reach him. Other people reached out to me (one of them, Oriental). I pulled them up to safety as my father refused to be helped. I felt sad. All the rest that could be saved were. My father decided to try. I then saw that part of one leg was missing. He crawled up to the edge and someone else and I helped him over the edge. We were near the edge. I was crouched near him, comforting him. I said, \"Are you O.K.?\" He said he thought one leg was broken and the other one gone partly. A young man, a violinist, came over. He was the anesthesiologist. He started to play. My father got quite upset and told him to go away. He was distressed and tried to explain how his music would help take away the pain. A second violinist was called in, a young woman with a very ornate violin. I looked up at her and explained that dad wouldn't listen. I defended his position. I said, \"Look, how would you like it if you had to listen to violins all day at work (my father's a music teacher), and then come home to your family and hear violins (I played for 5 years and my mother played too), you'd be sick of it too.\" I used a second analogy but I don't remember it." }, { "number": "0214", "head": "12/29/80", "content": "My brother Dwight, Jake, my mother and I are in a car in a parking lot. Dwight is telling me about the gold lame dress he wore at a party. I am giggling at how funny he describes how he got a kit, a spray can of gold lame. You put a bikini-like top on, spray the paint, and put holly on. He pulls out a brochure and shows me an advertisement. He belongs to a club that gives parties, but you have to take a class if you go to a party. He points to a lovely lady in the brochure and winks at me. He then starts to park the pickup in his regular parking spot. He then changes his mind and tries to park somewhere else. The entire parking lot is empty except for one black sports car. Dwight tries to park his pickup over that car. The car is so low to the ground, and the pickup is so high, that he almost makes it. He then backs up. My mother is at the wheel now, and backing up real fast. I yell, \"What are you doing?\" We feel like we're out of control and now backing out into the street. She ignores me and purposefully and gaily keeps going. We're now going forward. I see big freeway signs. We're in a big city. She's going to park us (a VW bus now) near an apartment building." }, { "number": "0215", "head": "12/29/80", "content": "A young boy is riding a horse. He's doing trick stunts to show off. He's now off the horse, trying to go into a building on campus with no authorization. A security guard stops him. I walk up behind him. I'm on my way to teach a class. I vouch for him though I don't know him. He looks at me, surprised. I walk down the hall. I see a group of people. They are the class. The boy ducks into a room just before my classroom. I open the door and go in. I say, \"I know who you are, so don't get into trouble, or I'll get into trouble.\" He says surprised, \"How can you know who I am?\" I think, \"You're bluffing.\" I say, \"No, you are John Travolta. I knew it when you were riding the horse. You stuck your foot out, and it was arrogant. Only boys from New York do it in that style, and only 4 of them like you did, so you have to be John Travolta.\" Then I say, \"Don't worry, I won't tell.\" He looks at me like he likes me. I beat a hasty retreat. I look at my watch and say, \"Oh, I'm 6 or 7 minutes late for my class.\" I go next door where my class is waiting. It's like a library or a book store, so I figure I'm teaching something about writing. Later, I'm lying in a bed in my classroom. The boy is sitting on the edge of the bed beside me. We are talking. At one point, he hugs me and I can feel the largeness of his shoulders/body that denotes a grown man. I think, \"Oh, goodness, he really is John Travolta.\" I then realize the near sexual aspects of the position and firmly tell the little boy to stop playing now. He wants to continue but I tell him, \"No.\" He sits on the edge of the bed and we talk. There is some flirtation (sometimes there is a sense of my brother Dwight in him)." }, { "number": "0216", "head": "12/29/80", "content": "My mother, who has been driving, gets out of the pickup. My brother Dwight goes in. I start to pick up some things they left to carry them into the apartment complex. A pair of black gloves (my mother's), Xmas presents, and some pretty woven yarn cloth. I have my arms full as I start to walk across the parking lot. I drop some things, books, cards, and pictures fall to the ground. I curse and try to pick them up without dropping everything else, but no luck. Everything falls all over the asphalt. A hip black man, like scat man on T.V., jives up to me. He's going to help pick things up. As he starts to do so, he notices a huge bow and arrow set on top of the pickup. It's like a crossbow or a speargun and it's very powerful. He loads a red arrow into the thing and aims off into the distance. I say, \"Hey man, don't do that at full force, you'll spend days looking for the arrow.\" He shoots it but it just goes a short distance over the bushes. He laughs at me and goes to get the arrow. I find some boxes to put the stuff in. A crowd is starting to develop. They look like they are going to steal all my goodies. I then have a high powered rifle. I hold it at them. I call for my brother. He comes over to carry the goodies in. A very inquisitive older woman comes over. I say disdainfully, \"See, just woven cloth mostly, nothing of great value.\" I swagger around feeling pretty show-offy with my gun. A guy wearing glasses, but good-looking, just looks at me, slightly disapproving. I show off my prowess with the rifle. Dwight gets all the goodies in. I then notice a pile of wrapped Xmas presents under a tree near the pickup in the parking lot. One says, \"To dad, from Dwight.\" I think, \"Huh, that's silly. They'll get stolen.\" I then decide not to worry because they're wrapped. I figure the family was getting too crowded in the apartment with all those gifts and I go on in." }, { "number": "0217", "head": "12/29/80", "content": "I'm walking up some long cement stairs to get to school, carrying lots of things. Gordon (a counselor) walks with me. He jokes about how old he is now and how he needs to walk slowly. He hugs me in a fatherly way. I slip and fall back down some stairs. He slips too. We lay on the stairs laughing and I think, \"How sweet of him to go to all the trouble to make me feel O.K.\" We get up and start gathering up the scattered things we were carrying. A woman helps us carry the Xmas gifts, scotch tape, calligraphy pens and ink. Gordon goes on ahead. I get to the top of a glassed-in bleacher and a wonderful show is performing, grand costumes and musical comedy stuff. I'm aware that I'm wearing a sexy playboy bunny suit and a red sexy coat. I then feel someone nestling up behind me. Now we're sitting on the same chair. I look. It is Ethan. He puts a Xmas gift from him to me in my pile of things. As we watch the performances, he makes director's remarks. At one point, there are 2 complete productions going on at once. He says he sees no point to that unless one is entertainment for the other. I comment that perhaps it's because of the placement of the windows at angles. Some of the crowd sees one, some see the other. He concedes that I may be right. I keep looking at my watch. I don't want to be late for my class I am teaching. Then, there is yet a 3rd performance way down on the football field. Huge people are dressed in fancy fur costumes. Some ice skate and some comedy relief happens. Then I say, \"I must go.\" Before I can leave, Ethan's class comes to him. He stands up in front of me and them. I am aware (I'm standing), and that my playboy bunny suit is larger and just hangs on me. It's not so sexy now. I'm embarrassed and try to cover it up. A girl in class asks if the cleaning of a wig can be done for free. She says a friend of hers has 2 wigs that are soiled and she brings out a letter to read, written by the girl. She is in tears because she realizes that she shouldn't read this private letter in front of the class. I start to leave (after Ethan lectures about acting technique, looking at me as he talks). I get my red coat on and start to pick up my packages. Ethan comes over. He says, \"Is anything wrong?\" I say, \"No, it's just that my suit looks really funny right now and I'm embarrassed.\" He says, \"I noticed but it's O.K., you're fine.\" We smile. I pick up his Xmas present to me and open it. It is body paints. He laughs and opens them and starts to paint my face and he starts with the yellow and white. We're somehow in a moving car, but neither of us are driving, or maybe Ethan is and doesn't have to look at the road often. He gets some of the paint in my mouth. It tastes funny. He says, \"Don't worry, it's not toxic.\" I spit it out in a hanky anyway. We laugh. I have become his mistress, as he is married." }, { "number": "0218", "head": "12/31/80", "content": "I had some company and they left. I was tired and wanted to sleep. I could sleep sitting up in the van, passenger side, or sleep on the bench seat in the back. Both ways I'd be uncomfortable and cold, so I went to Thea's house and slept in a bed there. They weren't home. I woke up the next day and was getting ready to leave. I came out of the bedroom and found Thea and someone else there. She lectured me about taking advantage of her, using her house without permission, and she asked me if I had used anything else. I was quite annoyed with her. I wanted to leave. It didn't seem polite to leave in the middle of her lecture. She was angry. So was I. I felt guilty and caught but I also felt justified and annoyed. I wished I had chosen to sleep in my cold van. Then, I just decided to leave. I said, \"Bye.\" She was miffed. I was then in a library, borrowing books. The female that was with Thea was also borrowing books. She was jealous of something. I talked to my brother Dwight. [BL]" }, { "number": "0219", "head": "01/02/81", "content": "I am being challenged, by myself really. Someone has made a comment that they can do something, play crosses and foxes and I wonder if I can do it as well or better. I am encouraged by cousin Terence/Dwight to try. I have a self-defeating negative outlook. \"No, I can't do that,\" but my interest is piqued, so I go upstairs to try. I see a board on the wall. A man gives me a chalk and explains the rules. I can't make a mark where something is crossed and he points out 2 places. Some people come by and irrelevantly chat with me. I yak back. I am partly sure I can do this and partly sure I can't. They (the crowd) are annoying as they distract me. I close them out of my mind and the timing starts. I look at the marking on the board for what seems a long time (see drawing in dream book). The crowd gets tense because I'm wasting valuable time but I know that I'm looking at the whole picture to do better. Then as I've seen all I need, I say, \"Aha!,\" and start making X's and O's. The crowd goes, \"Ooh!,\" because every move is right. There is excitement and tenseness. Near the bottom, there are squiggly lines where I'm not supposed to mark but I see 2 places that were difficult and no one else noticed and mark. This time I draw an outline of a rabbit for my X. Times up. I get 7. That ties me with my cousin Terence/Dwight. He's good. The man who is really good says, \"Hum, she's got more white light than me even,\" and is impressed. I am aware that I'm talking despairingly of my talents. I am an observer and I don't like her eyes. They are too large and cow-like. I say to her/me, \"Don't talk negatively and put yourself down. You're good,\" (It was like a challenge in a pool game). Counseling or working with people had something to do with it." }, { "number": "0220", "head": "01/02/81", "content": "I was in prison. My \"man\" and I were cell mates. My \"husband\" was also in prison. I think we were there because of what he did. I had done a needlepoint thing that was thick and looked like sheepskin. We were trying to figure out how to block it. A man (my husband) said, \"Why not wrap it around your body and go take a steam bath.\" I looked at him and said, \"What a good idea.\" I wrapped it around me and wrapped a towel around it to cover it. I walked down the hall to the public bathroom. At first, I couldn't find the steam bath, just the toilet stalls. Then I saw 2. A large woman got to it first. I was agitated because I didn't want to get caught. I saw a sign-up sheet, so I signed my name, \"Barb Sanders.\" The pencil was on a string and almost didn't reach and the writing was crooked, slanted uphill. Just as I finished writing my name, the woman got out of that steam bath and I got in. Then I got scared. It was metal with a shower-like nozzle near my face. I was afraid I'd hurt myself and the steam would be too hot and burn me, so I carefully read the instructions. I was just about to turn it on when the door opened and a woman came in with 2 men (plain-clothed cops). I felt like I'd been caught. I had been wondering how to get back to my cell because the towel would be wet too but I had to keep the sheepskin covered. They started to question me. One said, \"Well, Gretchen\" and I got indignant. \"I'm not Gretchen.\" I played out my limp and sat down, explaining I had R.A. I knew I was faking it. It worked, and they left. I then went back to my room/cell. It was damp from the steam bath. It was time to escape/leave. I did so. Then, I was rich, dressed in a suit and high heels, golden earrings with jewels on my ankles. I was looking down busy city streets. I go to a store where Thea and Jared work. I bought a pin the shape of a bird or turtle that I knew Jared loved. I decided not to give anything to Thea. I then walked on down the street to another shop where Jared was working. I gave him the pin. He was overcome by my kindness. He hugged me a lot. I felt his pot belly and his flaccid penis. I started to feel like it was time to move on. I walked, and then I noticed I was in a bad neighborhood. I felt a little nervous. I was walking toward a busy street where I could get a bus or a taxi. A man walked up to me and started to harass me. He was going to rape me. I got angry. At first, I warned him to leave me alone. He grabbed me and in one swift and powerful kick to his groin, I got him. He fell to the ground, groaning. I kept on walking. I walked past a newsstand. A couple of leather jacket types started to verbally harass me. I told them to watch out, because I'd protected myself before and I'd do it again. A 3rd man said, \"Ya, she's right. Leave her alone.\" I walked on. I went into a cafe to call a taxi. I think I was crying. A taxi driver there said \"Hey, where do you want to go?\" I said, \"Are you a taxi driver?\" He said, \"Ya.\" I said, \"Let's go.\" I feel rescued." }, { "number": "0221", "head": "01/03/81", "content": "I'm in a plane. We go to Russia. We sneak in through a fireplace and try to mingle with the Russians. There is a factory. We visit it. Then we have to leave before we get caught. As we go back to the fireplace, I stop at a bathroom. Some women are upset with me because I've been there, and they've had to go hungry. They are going to turn me in. I talk with them. They are sullen and resentful but don't turn me in. I respect their feelings. I sneak back through the fireplace to the airplane. I gather up powdered eggs, milk, etc. to take back to the women. It's only fair. We sneak back into Russia. Sometimes we are invisible because the solders or cops are near by. We sneak into the house. The women are in the kitchen, doing dishes. We bring the food to them. We are all pleased with each other. Then it is time to go. We sneak back to the plane but are seen. Now we scramble and get into the air. Planes are after us. It is important to get out of Russian territory so in case we get hit, we won't land on Russian grounds. We duck and fly low because their jets can't. It's foggy and cloudy and I call out the names of the high mountains we are zigzagging through. There is much tension. \"Big Mama\" mountain is on the left, \"Bear\" mountain, the Rockies. Then we go up behind the Russian jet, and strafe it with machine gun bullets. The jet goes down. We're over water now. Just before it hits, I yell, \"Nuke bomb!\" We scramble into our yellow, anti-radiation suits. They are like giant sleeper suits. We put on masks that protect our faces and we breath filtered air. We look back at the huge cloud rising from where the jet crashed. We had gone fast to get out of the shock wave area. The cloud was even bigger and more deadly than a mushroom cloud. Then I see many more of them. \"What's going on?\" I ask. \"Why are there more?\"" }, { "number": "0222", "head": "01/04/81", "content": "I wake up feeling a lot of anger. I then drift back to sleep. I was at a family reunion picnic thing. I set up the lunch and entertainment. They were not too thrilled with my ho-hum hamburger gravy and potatoes and openly snickered at my skits. I took a cat in my arms and the cat and I walked up close to each of my relatives (black and white adult cat). They were all sitting in a semi-circle. I held the cat up to the face of each one. The cat bit cousin Willie real hard. I told the cat not to bite anymore. He just looked at me. My Grandpa Lloyd and Grandma Mildred were having an \"argument,\" much like my parents. Grandpa took a big sweet dessert and ate it. I ate a spoonful of sweet chocolate, wondering why I did it because it wasn't good for me. Grandma nagged at him, ever so sweetly. \"Now Lloyd, look at that. You know better than to...etc.\" Lloyd just glared at her and ate more. They were like children deliberately getting on each other's nerves. Ginny, my Aunt Millie, Bonnie and I got into a car to go to a fair for the disabled. I was angry because I realized that I only had a bicycle with flat tires to assist me when I got to the fair and I was going to get tired and achy walking around. We had trouble getting there. When we got there, a car was backing out into traffic. One wheel got caught on the curb and the whole car turned over. A woman driver was in it. I kept wondering how she managed to flip the car and if she was all right. Another car, trying to get into the parking lot, just pushed her around. She finally got out. I then started making a list of all the supposed things being done for the disabled and discovering it wasn't helping the disabled. It was helping the establishment feel good about helping the disabled. I wrote these down so I could expose this. I saw Marv C with a bandage on his thumb. We hugged. He said, \"It was so kind of you to like my things.\" His things were beautifully calligraphied posters in blue ink. I then picked it up and looked closely. I said, \"It is pretty and quite nice, but did the disabled make them? How are they helping the disabled?\" I put him on my list. I also put the Iron Duchess on my list." }, { "number": "0223", "head": "01/04/81", "content": "Later, I was reciting something. I saw the anger as a sign from past lives. Ptomeny was XXX is on the list." }, { "number": "0224", "head": "01/05/81", "content": "I am in an unhappy home. I am at school. My \"brother\" and I have big stop watches. We discover that if we push the button right, it will remove us to a parallel universe that is in some ways slightly different from the one we are in. I am not happy in my present universe. People are cool. My brother and I live with step-parents that don't care about us. We come home from school. My watch is broken or was broken by kids at school. My \"step-mother\" is very uncaring. It's late at night. We decide to go to the other universe. My brother has already tried it and says that it is better than where we are. I follow him to his bedroom. I have a \"younger sister\" with me. We sneak in being very quiet so we don't wake up \"younger brother\" or \"step-mother.\" My brother lies on the bed. I stand up on the bed, my feet under his back. I keep almost losing my balance. The \"younger sister\" (Paulina), stands on the side of him, holding very hard. We set the dials. At first, nothing happens. Then I get worried something will go wrong. Then a part of the watch shines red and the scene changes and then the scene is the same. A woman comes in. It's my \"step-mother.\" At first, it is Claire K (a client) and then my Aunt Naomi. She offers me soda and cookies. At first I won't eat them because they have sugar and then I do. She is talking to me, making comments that give me information about the situation on this planet or universe. I carefully don't answer questions. She says she is going away. She tells me there is a package on the porch for me. She is friendly and nice. She talks about men. We agree that they are messy. I say, \"Look at the bottom of that river.\" I see a river with garbage and debris on the bottom. \"I sure didn't put that there. You didn't. Men did.\" Now I'm on a boat. We are about to cross the harbor. The man at the helm says, \"They've dug out the harbor here and as such now two way traffic can now get through.\" He says, \"You'll find it much changed.\" I look and realize that it's a lot of traffic like New York City harbor. I see wooden boats that look like whales on the bank. He says, \"Here we go,\" and suddenly the boat flies up over some apartment buildings and over the watery expanse between the buildings. I expect the boat to drop down, fly up and drop down again, but we fly smoothly. My younger sister holds my hand." }, { "number": "0225", "head": "01/06/81", "content": "A nightmare. Entities or souls or creatures from other planets are coming to meld with humans and take our spirits away. I am very frightened. The children are the first to go and then the adults. It's a terrible feeling of the fear of losing myself as through death or absorption into another. They come, 3 of them. The one coming for me is a big man in a chicken hawk suit with red and blue fluffy feathers. He talks like an English pirate (irate)? We meld and a transparent form of my body is tucked under his wing and off we fly. What a ride. I can feel my stomach lurch as we go zipping up to the cosmos and down again. It's like a jet plane. We get to their planet. Then a man gets shot and falls. I'm surprised because I thought, \"1.) No one dies here, and 2.) ugly, mean people don't exist here.\" They take the body of a 2 yr old baby and this shot man's soul goes into the baby. His face, is only softened and rounded like a baby. I'm appalled because they had told me we were just being borrowed. Now I know we were being lied to. I feel awful. I tell Nate to run. \"I'm sorry I got you into this mess.\"" }, { "number": "0226", "head": "01/06/81", "content": "Dong and I were playing in an ocean. Then there was a head of lettuce, chopped into 3 sections. Dong said, \"See, these golf balls, no bows, see how they envelope each other. They are floating in a sea of love. send out love.\"" }, { "number": "0227", "head": "01/08/81", "content": "I'm cooking hamburgers at my mother's house. I come in with 4 little ones. She sneers and says that there should be more. I feel hurt and angry and then I go out. I look and there are lots more but they've fallen on the floor, the messy greasy floor. I'm crying as I pick them up because I know if she sees, I'm in trouble. I have a hard time picking them up. Finally I get them into the house, and she comes up to me and growls, \"Hurry up. They're in there, hungry, tired and fighting,\" (My father and the rest of the family). I say, \"I have to cook the potatoes first,\" and she says, \"No! Do something about the hamburgers first. Feed them the hamburgers and then come cook the potatoes.\" She walks out. I'm crying and angry and I get stubborn. I look for the potato peeler in the sink of dirty dish water. All I keep coming up with are sharp knives. I'm careful with them. I peel the potatoes and get them into a pan and take them to the stove, move another pot off the burner to make room for the potatoes and see that a cooked steak is there. There are lots of them, 3. She comes back in. I say, \"Look! You had a good dinner already cooked and you had me out there working and crying and you weren't even going to let me have a good dinner.\" She yells at me about finding some other place to live. I say, \"Yes, sure, I'll get out.\" She storms out. My father says to me (he's standing behind me), \"7-6-5-4 yeah, you could be packed and out by 5.\" I know he means a.m. and I don't get up early, and I get furious at him and I turn and yell, \"You little short runt!\" Dwight is standing nearby. My father is about 4 feet tall. I yell, \"You always take her side!\" I am angry and hurt." }, { "number": "0228", "head": "01/09/81", "content": "I am on an airplane. The purpose of the ride is to entertain the kids. I have a job as a \"Granny\"; that's where you dress up as an old woman and sit on a chair at the back of the stairs. The kids sit at bottom of stairs and talk to you. You entertain them. Then I have the makeup all over my face to look old and peek in to see someone else doing it. The kids are staring at me. I laugh and say, \"I guess I look funny with all this old lady makeup on.\" Then it is a bus and the driver (a fat ugly woman), gets out at a rest stop. Now I'm fighting 3 men that are getting on the bus. I point to one, a young good-looking man, and call him Satan. They are evil and I must protect myself by killing them. [BL]" }, { "number": "0229", "head": "01/09/81", "content": "Later, just a sense of understanding that I must look to the past for answers, not the future." }, { "number": "0230", "head": "01/12/81", "content": "I was in bed at home. Desmond had come to visit me. He asked me to go out. I said, \"No, I'm too tired.\" We talked. He left. Then Nate called and asked if I was up. I said, \"Yes.\" Then I heard Nate come into house downstairs. He was drunk. He was yelling at my parents, Grandma Agnes, and my aunts and uncles. He was angry at me because I said I would go out with him and now my parents had told him that I was in bed asleep. He demanded to know who that fellow was that just left. I was embarrassed because my family didn't know about Nate and I was angry at him for creating the scene. I got up and went downstairs in my red plaid, flannel nightgown. I just looked at him in anger. I asked him to step outside. I told him, \"This is the last straw.\" He was all dressed up in a suit and tie. He stepped to side of the house to pee. I was embarrassed because my relatives might see. I read him the riot act. I told him never again to do that in front of my conservative relatives. He then left, angry. I then had a class. They were there to learn how to enjoy the wilderness as I had learned to do. I told them to close their eyes and think of their favorite food. Then I told them to think of all the ways they could cook it, sauteed, boiled, etc. Then they needed to cut it into little squares and carry it in a backpack. Then they were to pair up. One put on a blindfold, the other lead and then later they switched. I then got a chalk. At first, I start to ask for one, and then I looked for it myself. I draw dotted lines with arrows around leading up to hopscotch games on the playground (school). The starting place was an old tree. As I was making my marks, I came up to a class counter with china in it. I see a teapot that looked like it went with an old tea cup I own. I asked this guy for it. I said, \"It's mine.\" He gave it to me. I was now carefully stepping amongst the china. I asked the guy for a hand so I wouldn't fall and break things. He helped me. I started to feel guilty because I realized it was not my teapot and I'd just stolen it. Someone was going to be sad." }, { "number": "0231", "head": "01/12/81", "content": "An old woman owns a yarn shop. She calls me over and tells me to start working. She points to Bob (a stray kitten) and says, \"If you don't get rid of him, I will. He's getting in your way, slowing you down." }, { "number": "0232", "head": "01/12/81", "content": "I'm in bed. I wake up with the ceiling leaking on my face in a steady stream. I get up and my parents come to look at the leak. I am explaining to them how I woke up with water pouring on my face. Then Shannon calls. I say, \"Hey! I'm awake,\" and she says, \"Ya, I know why, because of our main class.\" I say, \"Ya, that too of course, but you'll never guess what happened. The ceiling is leaking right on my face.\" There is an ominous silence at her end and I realize I've offended her because my excitement over the class took second priority." }, { "number": "0233", "head": "01/13/81", "content": "I am a reporter. I am interviewing both of the president's wives. There are a lot of reporters there. The older, wiser wife does most of the talking. The young pretty one just smiles a lot. I try to get her to talk. Her name is Trixie Beldon (a name of a book I read as a 13 year old or so). Then the interview is over. The pack of reporters start to go to the next room. Lots of them are saying, \"Mr. President, Mr. President.\" I'm on the edge and plan on sneaking away to a bigger and better story. A man, also a reporter, watches me and follows me. I run and get a taxi. He jumps in too. I am annoyed with him because I'm about to scoop the whole pack and he's blowing it for me. I see that I'm stuck with him, so I tell him, \"I have to change my clothes. I'll be interviewing tough mob types.\" I'm wearing a tailored woman's suit. I tell him to not look and I take off my suit. I ask him to hand me my other clothes out of the briefcase. He does. He peeks. I'm crouched down so no one can see in the windows. Some tough mob types try. Then I'm trying to interview them. I now have to go to the apartment of the leader. This guy and I (now attracted to him), go to the apartment and ring the door bell. A strange looking \"outerspace\" creature (a pet), comes to the door. It's a living rock on 4 legs or a tiny hippopotamus. The guy pets it. Then I pound it on the head. I figure to pet it, you'd have to be rough so he'd feel it. It hurts him and he pounds me to show me how it feels. Now he's going to teach me how to be gentle and nice, so he pets me nicely on the head. The man and I are falling in love. The man is glad I'm learning to be sensitive. Then he and I are kissing. When I feel the saliva in his mouth, I can read his thoughts. It spooks him. \"How did you know that?\"" }, { "number": "0234", "head": "01/14/81", "content": "I married my brother Jake. We were getting the furniture packed. Some of it was to be put in the \"little house,\" (the house next to my parents'), and some taken to M City. My parents and sister were there to help. We only had a weekend for a honeymoon as on Monday, I had to be back to work on school. Then, we were sitting in the car going over the mountain. Then there was a big truck with our things in it. Someone was going to drive it for us. The driver went away. For some reason, Jake couldn't drive the truck, so I was saying, \"Maybe I can do it, hon,\" and he said, \"No, it's too hard for you.\" Then I said, \"See, I can try.\" I got in and tried to drive it. I couldn't get it to stop. The brakes wouldn't hold, so it would slowly roll. Chuck was around helping move furniture. Then I got the truck to stop and Jake started yelling, \"I'm bleeding to death!\" I grabbed his hand and ran up the wooded hill. My father and my brother Dwight ran to him to see if it was so. I was thinking, \"He's probably exaggerating.\" He came back and Dwight tried to put a pressure bandage on him. I was holding Jake and soothing him. I said, \"Hon, relax. I'll take you to the hospital.\" \"No,\" he said, \"...got to get the bleeding to stop.\" My brother Dwight fainted. I looked at Jake's wound. I saw lots of orange blood but no continuous flow that indicated an artery or vein was cut. I tried to get him on the back of the motorcycle. Then I yelled, \"Get him in the car! I'll be right back!\" I felt a coughing seizure coming on and I ran for the house to get a glass of water thinking I'd grab it, get in the car, and drive Jake to hospital. I woke up coughing. Oh, earlier in the dream, I was teasing Chuck because he had clips and pin curls in his hair. He teased back and said, \"How else can you have curly hair at work that everyone admires.\" He said that he was partial to saffron yellow now (somehow meaning that he was in love with Valerie)." }, { "number": "0235", "head": "01/15/81", "content": "I'm in the back seat of a car. Terence (my cousin) gets in with me. He wants to neck. He starts kissing me and so forth. I accept it but feel not too good about it. He's my cousin and there are other people in the car. It starts to feel good sexually so I think, \"Eh, what the heck.\" Then he says, \"You turn and change position.\" He had been touching my breast. Now he wants me to touch his penis. I sit up and move away. I think, \"No, that's going to far. I don't want to.\" I start talking to other people in the car (my parents in front, and my brother Dwight next to us). We're driving country roads. My father stops the car by a mailbox to look at a shallow stream. There might be good rock hounding material there. My mother is embarrassed because someone is getting their mail and might wonder why we stopped by their mail box. My father is annoyed with my mother and vice versa. We then drive on. We come to Ka-ne-ta, an Indian Resort. There are lots of people. My father points one out. He calls him a special name. He's a Chief or something. I decide to knit. I open a package, a kit. Part of the knitting has been done. It's a delicate lacy pattern, pink, baby sweater-like." }, { "number": "0236", "head": "01/16/81", "content": "Ginny is helping me fix up/clean up my house. Will S comes in. We like each other. He starts to caress me and we initially agree, non-verbally, to make love. We take off our clothes and lay on the dining room table. At first, I am concerned because he's an older man and I think maybe he won't feel good, but he's strong and sensual and the experience is very enjoyable. It lasts a long time. There are interruptions. Ginny and her two sons come in and talk to me. We stop making love and I tell her to go away now. She looks hurt and wants to stay. I gently ask her to leave for awhile. Her sons are fighting. Will S tells them how to get along. Then a candle is burning near us. My mother appears and says, \"Here, I'll move that, it can burn the wood, or your hair.\" I say firmly, \"Here, give me back the candle,\" and firmly put it back where I want it. She looks hurt and looks around for something to straighten or fix. She leaves. Will S and I continue. I feel embarrassed because it is taking me so long. He understands and doesn't mind. It feels good. [BL]" }, { "number": "0237", "head": "01/16/81", "content": "Co-worker Tyler is typing. He is smoking a cigarette. It's in his ear. He follows me up a long flight of stairs. He backs a shopping cart/amigo wheelchair down the stairs. I am concerned for him but he's doing fine. He comes back up. We kiss and I feel very happy. He loves me and I love him. We walk hand in hand. I think, \"College this time is the way it should be.\" I thought of college the last time where lots of men went through my life. I felt solid, secure, and happy with Tyler, like finally, I've found someone special to love." }, { "number": "0238", "head": "01/16/81", "content": "There is some danger. A woman friend or relative has turned against me. I must lock the door against her and run. An old house. A man is with her. There is a sign on the floor. It's the word \"bear\" and represents a pet dog of co-worker Tyler's. He's not allowed to keep it. I feel sad for him. There is a deep, deep hole where the pet is." }, { "number": "0239", "head": "01/17/81", "content": "I was in a locker room adjoining the swimming pool. Two girls and myself were getting ready to go in. We got white swimming caps to put on. Mine had a brim like a baby's bonnet. I was having some difficulty stuffing my long hair into it. We were late for our class. We decided to play hookey. The men's class came back into the locker room. There was something about auditioning in a play. Then I put on a beautiful white dress. It was an old-fashioned wedding dress. I thought, \"It's beautiful.\" I looked in mirror. It was a trick mirror. I looked squashed, out of proportion. The lace work on the dress was lovely. I looked at the back of the dress. I saw a beautiful, lacy bustle. It was laying across a stuffed animal's tail. I was sitting on a large, stuffed, duck billed platypus. The yellow cloth bill was in front and the other girl (who had made the bustle and had so informed me when I exclaimed about its existence with, \"Well, I know that, I made it\"), and I are playing puppets. We laughed. It was time to take the dress off and give it back. I was going to be an actress." }, { "number": "0240", "head": "01/17/81", "content": "I am in Ireland at a school. We are lined up like in a fire drill. There are huge war ships going down the river. They are so big that an inner tube falls off on the back of the river and it is almost as wide as the river. I am exclaiming about how big it is and how can anyone hang on to it! We are supposed to stay indoors but I keep sneaking out. Veronica (a co-worker) asks me to come see a ship her grandmother was on. It is a large tea cup. Basically, I am on my way back to an American trip. I am being kidnapped to India. They talk me into coming into the cabin and resting for awhile. I look out the window and see the land going up and down. After I wake up from my rest, we are at sea. There is unrest (war) in India. I see huge guns. I'm being manipulated by \"grandma\" to get ready to have lunch with the captain. I know that and I keep stalling for time. I put my lipstick on and it smears; I do it again and it smears. She and her husband wink at me (he knows my game and isn't mad). He takes the lipstick and draws silver, fake symbols on a sign. I am delighted because it looks like a code. It will keep everybody busy trying to figure it out. The grandma then looks at me angrily and asks if I've hidden something. I smile at her and say, \"Oh, yes. I did that.\" She just seethes. I enjoy being obstinate and non-helpful. Then the captain comes in. I make excuses for being late and falsely apologize. He seems to know I'm stalling and is challenged by me. He smiles." }, { "number": "0241", "head": "01/18/81", "content": "Scattered impressions. Someone named Brian. I'm on a ship. There are two men leading two groups. One is an Indian (I don't remember which kind). One is John Wayne. I am between them. I have to change my name. An old fashioned dress." }, { "number": "0242", "head": "01/19/81", "content": "I am trying to figure out how to simulate flight in zero gravity to show my class. My father suggests I get some swings and swing up high. When I start to fall back down, I'll feel free flight. I try it. They are surprised I can do it. Then I see something that belongs to Corrine in the financial aid office. Then Curtis of Nighthawks (the harmonica player), is watching me. I go to a small office where I'm locked in by him. I look around the desk. I am aware that I've found some secret things, a file folder with paper. A voice (male) on the telephone asks me some questions and I answer carefully pretending that I'm whomever he thinks he's talking to. I see tape cassettes in the desk drawer and I think, \"Talk Southern.\" He gets suspicious. I stay there all night. Curtis comes to open the door and I have hidden under my clothes some papers that are incriminating. He's suspicious of me but I get away with it." }, { "number": "0243", "head": "01/19/81", "content": "Here is a family. They sell things. They go from town to town, gather up a work crew and pay them to work. We hawk up a crew, tell them to go buy some food and we will reimburse them. The mom tells them an economical way of buying so they get more for their money. Then she tells them to line up at the washing machines and she'll wash their clothes. They do and one of the men notices the washers are broken. A hose or pipe in the back is broken. The older man in the family shakes his head. It can't be fixed. It's the pipe. The father tries to talk him into it. The old man bemoans the use of pipe. He says, \"It's made of hydrochloric acid.\" The family, he says, does a good thing. \"We sell animals all over the country. They grow and multiply. Out of 100, comes 500 and a return of 5. That we keep for our own.\" He mentions the chickens, the sweet chickens, and how many have died from the poison in the pipes that we've sold with them. He is sad. Then the mother goes into a house. It's a scary house. There are halloween things there, spiders etc. She sees a picture on the wall. It's not clear. She asks for it to be clearer. The wall tries again. It's not clear. She tries to see it. Then she asks the older man to made it clearer with his dark room skills. He does. The picture shows on the wall. The woman/me is so frightened that she refuses to look. She covers her face with her hands and screams and screams. She thinks, \"It's probably a picture of me dead, dressed like zombie.\" The room is very frightening (I wake up hearing the screams in my mind. There is a dream before this one that I am semi-aware of...I was so sleepy, that I just let it slip by. Before I went to sleep tonight, I asked for my dreams to tell me why I choose to stop enjoyment of an orgasm. After the lst dream of night, I asked for message to be clearer)." }, { "number": "0244", "head": "01/19/81", "content": "Sharks. Howard and Karen are keeping my children. I babysit their child and try to negotiate for more time with mine. The University house. I'm hiding. A party. Several men are out to get me. I'm running." }, { "number": "0245", "head": "01/20/81", "content": "A group of people go moving into an old store front in a city. I see several women that I had gone to the lst and 2nd grade with. I've come back to live. Another woman, my brother and I are looking over the apartment. There are lots and lots of rooms, old fashioned furniture. There are lots of pianos, pretty little ones, antiques, huge mirrors, and a leather flat bag. I start to look in it and think, \"I don't want to see what's in here.\" I look anyway. A baby or a cat is in there. It looks at me and glares. I cover it back up. Then I'm at a dance with lots of guys. Then I'm back at the apartment, looking for a room for my bedroom. I knock on a door and say, \"I'm coming in.\" A guy is in there. He's upset. It's his room. I apologize. I've walked into someone else's apartment. This woman and I keep going to other rooms. I'm holding the cat now. I'm in an evening dress. The woman and I find a room. There are gays in there. She lies down. The cat is upset and runs away. I lie down beside her. Her husband, latin or black, holding their baby, stumbles in drunk and lays down on the other side of her. She is annoyed with him. I have a feeling we're going to make love and I feel scared. My brother and my father are wandering around." }, { "number": "0246", "head": "01/21/81", "content": "I have to \"babysit\" or assist a quack. He's withdrawn and somewhat helpless. I take him home with me, the old duplex Howard and I lived in when I was pregnant with Dovre. The only place to sleep is on a roll-away bed in the living room. I lay down beside him. I have my back turned to him. I'm aware of my body, some what tense. Behind he's paralyzed, he can't feel me. He wants to hear music. He asks me to put on a record. I get up and look on the old card table. There are albums all over it. He gets up (walks stiff and holds hands stiff), and points to an album and says, \"Oh, go ahead and play it, and get it over with. Then I can hear what I like.\" I look at it, Old English Madrigals. I say, \"Now, I'm tired of it,\" so I find the jacket to put it away. \"What do you want to hear? It's O.K. I'll play it.\" I'm called to the phone. My sister Lydia asks what I'm doing at the old place. I say \"Oh, it's O.K., I'm just here for a day or two, then back to my new house.\" \"Oh, I'm glad, \" she says. Then Bill E. is outside the window. I follow him. Now he's a woman, going dancing. He's wearing a bright yellow dress. In order to dance, since he's/she's paralyzed, there are two suction cups like tassels on her breasts that are attached to a glass sheet. She ungulates around being supported by those cups. It stretches the breasts and I think, \"Ugh. That must hurt. But at least she's getting out and having fun.\" I am pleased as she's not being withdrawn as much now." }, { "number": "0247", "head": "01/21/81", "content": "I'm listening to a tape cassette and ten recordings on it. I get the tape messed up and I'm trying to rewind it back on. I am concerned because it's important. Several women are laughing an sneering at me, like I'm stalling and trying to destroy the tape. A Rolls Royce comes and stops by me. A lot of people get out. The star (like Mickey Rooney), gets out. He comes to me and we kiss. His show comes through town every so often and he sees me then and then leaves. His entourage sneer at me. We go for a walk. We kiss. Then he says, \"Sorry babe, time to leave now,\" he goes away, and then he comes back for the next visit. That is our relationship. He asks me how I've been. He asks me if I have practiced and if I'm walking better. I say, \"Sure.\" Then he starts to say goodbye and leaves and then he turns and comes back. He says, \"No, I'm staying. We'll stay together. You'll practice and I'll make sure.\" I'm pleased and not pleased all at the same time. I get what I asked for and now not sure that's what I want. [BL]" }, { "number": "0248", "head": "01/21/81", "content": "I am a teacher at a grade school. A man teacher follows me around teasing me to be in a puppet show (hand held puppets that are so heavy you wear part of it). He's funny and I keep laughing. He won't let me alone, so I'm laughing and saying no and telling him to go away. Then I reluctantly agree to do it. I play a lady horse. The wire and cardboard on my arm is very heavy. I sashay around and sing and shinny. I'm very funny. The guy is aggressive, sharp-witted and persistent. He likes me but it's overwhelming." }, { "number": "0249", "head": "01/21/81", "content": "My good-looking \"husband\" and I are divorced. He's directing a play. I am a designer or script writer. I wear my hair long, with jeans, informal, and I go backstage. He is flabbergasted at me and watches nervously. His second wife is there (as I hopped up on stage, I have to be careful not to step on placemats and napkins. The stage shakes like an earthquake and made walking difficult). I strike up a conversation and lead her into a discussion about her first wife, i.e. me. I don't tell her who I am. He can't stand seeing us together talking, so he comes back to \"work on the set\" near us. He's painting shades of pink on the set. The stuff he's standing on (cardboard), starts to break and fall. He runs in place as it avalanches under his feet and into the water. Someone asks him how much is lost. He can't tell because it's underwater. I then have to leave, because I have a debt to pay and must go to the bank. I come back, dressed in a nice suit with my hair up. Now I can be identified as \"Jean,\" his first wife. My husband and his second wife are on stage and I walk up to them (only my conscious perspective is with the second wife now). She/I is apprehensive about the classiness of the 1st wife. The \"husband\" then wants to be with the 1st wife. He follows her. They still love each other." }, { "number": "0250", "head": "01/21/81", "content": "I woke up seeing bags of vegetables, celery and carrot sticks lined up, more of celery than carrots. The statement, \"You must lead if you expect followers,\" or, \"A leader has followers.\" A herd of cows." }, { "number": "0251", "head": "01/21/81", "content": "Something about my brother Dwight." }, { "number": "0252", "head": "01/23/81", "content": "I am in a house. It's near the edge of a canyon. I see two volcanoes blow up. I see huge ash plumes. I see some water splashing up over the edge of the canyon and I'm aware that the house and I are in changes. I tell Howard, \"We have to get out.\" He's calm and ridicules me for getting excited over nothing. I see the water getting closer and grab the three girls and run for it. He is following me and telling me what a fool I am. I look back and I see an older man, a para, out of his chair, sitting on the floor. Water is raging and swirling around him. A black carpet, carried by the water, covers him. He's caught. I run to a telephone booth. Someone is in it. I see another. I get to it. It's not a regular one; it's a narrow, funny looking phone. I don't know how to operate it. I search in my coat pocket for a dime. Howard offers a quarter. I am relieved. I have my own dime, so I don't have to accept his money. I try to use the phone, but the buttons are more like my radio." }, { "number": "0253", "head": "01/23/81", "content": "Snatches of the other dream. Sandy C, hypnosis. Someone put a yellow tattoo color on my ear. I was angry that they would use me so badly without my permission. I said, \"If I wanted a tattoo, I'd get a little butterfly on my left shoulder but not a big yellow one on my ear.\" The man just used me to see if the color would work. I was angry." }, { "number": "0254", "head": "01/24/81", "content": "A Philip dream. I think about my Uncle Philip. Something about 2 Philip's and they vied for my attention." }, { "number": "0255", "head": "01/24/81", "content": "I am with a group of people. I see the ocean. I am near a jungle. I am a leader, like Katherine Hepburn. My daughter (young teen) is stolen by a gorilla. We are searching for her. I take lots of large hair pins out of my long blonde hair and drop them in a pool of water. They go \"plop, plop.\" Some nice man is watching me in the dream. I then go to a banquet. There lots of long tables. One man wearing a red shirt sits at a table. I am interested in him and vice versa. I walk past him and sit at the foot of the next table. Another man (possibly Howard), comes over to sit next to me. I firmly place my arms across the place setting on either side of me. He says, \"Oh, can I sit here?,\" (new to me). I say, \"No.\" Then he says, \"How about here?,\" and chooses a chair next to the place next to me. I shrug and say, \"O.K.\" He then chooses one more chair removed from me and sits. I feel good. I flirt with the man in a red shirt." }, { "number": "0256", "head": "01/27/81", "content": "Two people were digging a path in the sand to channel water to flow to the ocean from a large house. There were two paths. The water flowed by the house. A fence of water was in the middle of the one close to the house. I asked my brother to push back the fence so I could walk in the water to follow it to the ocean. It was resistant but he could move it. I then waded to the ocean. I was disappointed to see that the water hadn't made it that far. I saw sand and dirt. I felt the channels were wasting water. I saw the ocean waves coming up the dry path and covered it all. Then there were a series of tasks I had to do to be able to leave the house and go on my own. I did these all successfully, except the last one which was very hard. I had to look at a picture and weave a reproduction of it. I attempted it but the weave was loose. It was close enough. Someone, a girl cousin, was snotty to me. I then was figuring out my monthly payments on my van. 7 to 9 months at $125 each month. $105 was principle and $20 was the finance charge. I figured I'd have it paid off in a few months (July or August)." }, { "number": "0257", "head": "01/28/81", "content": "SWOL." }, { "number": "0258", "head": "01/28/81", "content": "I am looking for a cat. My family and I are in a big house. We come away with 4 cats and 2 puppies. I have a white full grown but small cat in my arms. I'm petting it. My brother Dwight has puppies. My father, driving the car, turns and says, \"You're going to have to give them back or pay for the food yourself.\"" }, { "number": "0259", "head": "01/28/81", "content": "I am auditioning to be a singer. I'm good. The piano player, Cory, and I are a good team. We fall in love. Years later, we are standing before an audience and telling the story of how it all started. I hug Cory and tell the audience how I snuck into the \"big\" auditions and was so good they had to notice. I told them how special Cory was in my life. It was a mutual admiration society." }, { "number": "0260", "head": "01/29/81", "content": "Blake, his wife and adopted son came by to visit me. I was glad. I enjoyed the talk. There was a small sense of uncomfortableness because Blake and I used to have a relationship, but we all worked at it being comfortable. I thought that even though they didn't make it to my party, at least I see them now. It was a good thing that I called them. I asked Blake to hang around and watch me work. I was learning new stuff. He agreed. I got suited up for surgery. I was like a practicum student at an emergency surgery. We went into the emergency surgery room. It was a party atmosphere because it was like \"Super Bowl\" day. We all agreed to chose code names. Mabel was given a name and I said, \"No. It's better to call her 'clown'.\" We looked at each other, agreeing. I felt good I made this connection because the name had significance for her and I remembered I was \"collected try\" or something like that written in lifesavers. My brother Dwight or Cory was chastised for being uppity because he was a counselor. I thought, \"Ha, they have snobbish classified staff here too.\" The teaching doctor asked me if I wanted to stay and watch. I said, \"Yes, for a while and I also want to spend part of the day out front working,\" (intakes, etc). My old block car, the comet, was in the dream somewhere. They started talking about which team they rooted for. I thought, \"No, I want to root for...,\" and then thought of the \"M's,\" but I wanted to root for the M City team but I couldn't remember their name." }, { "number": "0261", "head": "01/29/81", "content": "I'm trying to hold a gray kitten. It's fighting me. It holds its body rigid and waits for me to relax my hold so it can spring away. I pet it and talk to it. Dylan holds it for a while and soothes it down. It starts to purr. Then I try again. It goes rigid again, but after a while it starts cuddling up and getting cute and friendly. I feel very pleased. I decide to chose this kitty to take home with me. Then it plays cute tricks and is very entertaining. I am at Aunt Elaine's house and cousins Dora and Willie are there. It's like Christmas. There are pretty ornaments. Some are a chance game. You put on an ornament in a certain way and win the game. I look for those kind but none are left. I see some pretty ornaments you just hang on the tree. They say \"free\" on them. It's kind of tame though. Then Ethan and cousin Willie find glass things that you can whistle through. They start a \"jug band.\" I grab one and show how I can do high, clear notes. They signal that I can join them but only be the rhythm section and just blow the note every so often to accent their sound. A crowd draws around. Willie and Ethan put on a show and I tag along. I can't hear my note, it's so high, but the crowd can. It's loud and piercing to them. The crowd is milling around. Willie and Ethan get on a big truck (18 wheeler), and drive around, leaving me behind. I look and the crowd is using this opportunity to escape. I feel a little sad and embarrassed for Willie and Ethan who think they're putting on a great show. Then, 2 policemen come in. I play more notes. I can hear them more. They see a beautiful, sexy woman in a box with mirrors. If you guess where she really is, you go get her. They figure it out and get her and then they all play a game (like slot machines). I go up and look at the box. There are signs on it that say \"no touching, etc.\" I lift up one mirror to peek in. I see one mirror slides up diagonally so the image is thrown in a different direction. I look down at the bottom and figure out she must be down there." }, { "number": "0262", "head": "01/30/81", "content": "I was feeling tired and my father was concerned. We were at Grandma Agnes' house. We got in the car to go somewhere. Then, for some reason, I needed to go back to the house. I got out to walk back, feeling annoyed that I'd have to walk all that distance. My father felt badly about it as well, so he walked part of the way with me along a dirt road, somewhat muddy. After I got going, I saw that I was O.K. and told my father I could make it by myself and he could go on. I went on alone. As I got near the house, a man was following me. I went in, to the enclosed front porch. He came in and talked. I suspected him. He might have tried to make advances. I felt my father's concern. Then I decided he was not going to hurt me and he went on his way." }, { "number": "0263", "head": "01/30/81", "content": "Something about Dylan being concerned about me. The second step is getting my Ph.D. I wake up with the word wedding in my head." }, { "number": "0264", "head": "01/30/81", "content": "Something awful happened to the Earth. I see oceans, no land. I'm like flying overhead looking for a place to land. I see some coral reefs peeking out of the water. I think about landing there, but a huge wave comes and sweeps over it, so I go on looking. Finally, I see mud flats. Then I decide to live on the water. Why not? I build a house on a raft. It's square and tight (compact). I have furniture. I realize that someone, a man, is coming to find me. He's from the other side (a war hero maybe)? I hide in a closet. He comes in and looks around. I watch him through peep holes. He senses where I am and opens the closet. I crouch down in a dark corner; he feels around and finds me. I am angry at him. \"How did you guess? How did you know I was there?,\" I ask. He points to the cloth covering I used to camouflage the door. It was wrinkled. I straightened it out. He thinks I'm a criminal (being on the other side), but I know I'm not. I'm snotty to him, uppity. He sits on the couch. I start doing dishes. Then I put on boots to go outside on the raft. There's something out there. It's a pet, but scary too. I realize (again), that I must wear foot coverings because of possible poison things I could step on, but they've been stolen along with my can opener and other survival, important items. I go out pretending my bare feet are covered. I look out over the water. It's cold, deep, and dangerous. A white with black trim whale or dolphin slides up to raft and squeaks. I smile, I like it and I'm afraid of it. Then I go back in. Next we are at a party, on land. I see the man that had stolen my survival items. I ask him to dance; he doesn't recognize me. As we dance, I charm him and then look him in the eye and tell him the bad thing he did to me. He denies it and backs away. I decide it doesn't matter. I let him go. The man (who found me), has watched and now understands the difficulties I have had to struggle with and appreciates my courage. I feel aloof and independent." }, { "number": "0265", "head": "01/31/81", "content": "Ginny and I rush home because Blake and Keith are going to come over to visit us for dinner. As we come into the lobby of the apartment building, we see Blake and Keith. They are drunk. \"Wahoo,\" we think. I'm in a hurry to get to the kitchen to finish dinner prep. We go up an elevator. It's not the regular one. It's skinny. I think, \"Hum. No room for a wheelchair.\" We then are in a store where everything's on sale, Wards/Penny's. I try to get through the jumbled aisles, but everything and everybody is in my way. I walk over and around jumbled boxes of slippers. I see some that have heels high enough I could wear. I'm interested but keep going. People are in the way. I try another way, clothes and appliances. I see an automobile tuning light for only $64. I decide that's a good deal, but I'm concerned because I've already over spent. Blake follows me. I look and under his overcoat he's hollow, empty. The coat is stiff, like looking up a christmas tree or a toy. We roll him to the apartment. I finally get there. Ginny buys something. The sales lady demands to know if she paid her $11 monthly money yet. Ginny gives a disjointed explanation (half lying)." }, { "number": "0266", "head": "01/31/81", "content": "Lesbians dancing. The word \"disgraced.\" I watch." }, { "number": "0267", "head": "01/31/81", "content": "A death's head, crying out in terror." }, { "number": "0268", "content": "(01/31/81)\"Becky, clean it up.\"" }, { "number": "0269", "head": "02/01/81", "content": "I'm sitting in a bed. Fletcher (from acting class) is in a manual wheelchair. There are many doors to this room/area. One in front of the bed is glass and leads to the street. I'm in a hall of a school building actually. Fletcher needs to go to bathroom, so he goes down stairs (in chair). He says it's the best route for him. I decide I have to go to the bathroom, so I choose to go out the glass door, in my chair. I feel nervous, strangers, so I go back in and lock the door and the screen door. I go down the stairs, in my chair, a butt-controlled ride. Part way down, there's a metal rod sticking up to slow runaway chairs. At this point, I get up. It's easier to walk. The stairs have been messed up by Fletcher's chair rides. The carpet is rumpled and some stairs are long or missing, making the walking uneven. I look for a bathroom. I see two doors. The name plaques are Italian, and lots of decals and graffiti are on doors. One said \"terrier ricotta,\" or something like that. I stop a young kid (early 20's), janitor, and ask him, \"Which one's the women's room?\" I feel annoyed. I think I'm in the performing arts class area because the Italian words are from opera class. He can't remember so he sticks his head in one of the doors. A woman comes out. She says she knows it's the women's room because she did the sigh change. I thank both and go in. The room is a mess. There are toilets all around, but no stalls. I sit on one, the most protected from view. As I bare my ass, a guy comes in. I'm really annoyed and I stand up, covering myself. Then I sit down again and discreetly try to cover myself. He mutters some apology. He's looking for something. My mother/older lady is upset and insulted. He drops his white cane as he backs out. The I pick up a life magazine and see an article on Elizabeth Taylor. The picture moves; it's a movie. The narration talks about how expressive and white her hands are. She has been in an accident and is a para. Her hands are lovely but are nervously clenching and unclenching one another. I get up and go back to bed. I want to make sure all the doors are locked. Something is making me nervous. Then Elizabeth appears in my room. She's upset and wants to explain to me about the \"Life\" story, something about a lost baby. We go back downstairs. Chuck sees us from across room. I know he's going to recognize her and really want to talk to her, see her, feel her. He does. He comes over. He goes, \"Wow! It must be neat to be so beautiful.\" Elizabeth and I look at each other like we understand each other. I explain to Chuck that to look like she does leaves herself wide open for guys like Chuck to walk up and take her time and energy. They insult her. They are dumb, and they think they are being smart, cute, and sexy, but it's boring and anger-producing to have to always deal with non-understanding jerks. She and I go back into the bathroom to look at \"Life\" magazine and talk." }, { "number": "0270", "head": "02/01/81", "content": "I am older, maybe late forties or early fifties. I audition for a part in a play. The teacher, a woman older than me, doesn't approve of me. I don't get the part. I then go into the cafeteria of a school. I am wearing a bright red suit, and my hair is carefully done via beauty parlor (blue). I am given the silent treatment because I'm different. I feel confident and self-righteous. I know I'm doing the right thing and I smile to myself. I can handle this." }, { "number": "0271", "head": "02/01/81", "content": "I am even older, late 60's or so. I go back and audition again. I tell them, \"I know the play was written for two young women and a little boy, but I think it would be good material to do the play with older players, but don't change any of the dialogue.\" They reluctantly agree. I go home now, after talking to the middle-aged man who got the part of the little boy. I am now on roller skates. I can't remember exactly where my house is. If I turn left, I go up hill. If I turn right, I go down hill. I turn right knowing that it is harder to roller skate down hill. I have trouble stopping. The ride is like a roller coaster. I look for rough surfaces to slow me down. I find my house. There are lots of people on the front lawn. I join them. It's a meeting. Ethan is the leader. I listen, then decide it's time to act. I raise my hand and say, \"May I have permission to write 'Dear Friends and Colleagues',\" a P.R. letter about the play. He agrees. The others are amazed at my braveness. I had a job to do and I did it." }, { "number": "0272", "head": "02/04/81", "content": "Another person and I are at a zoo. Two large and dangerous wild cats get loose. They start chasing us. We run and end up cornered in the empty hay loft of a barn. To defend myself, I pull out two small short bladed rickety pocket knives. They are dull. The sassy mountain lion comes up close and pulls out his pocket knife, which is like mine. I feel afraid because I am inadequately defended. He and I circle each other and then we start to laugh at the silliness of the situation. We agree to be blood brothers. He cuts his thumb with his knife and I cut mine with my knife and we mix the blood. Then we talk about how we can work together. I point out that if he stays in a particular area, he won't scare the neighbors and I'll give him classes and teach him enjoyable things. I introduce him to 3 teachers. Then I see a well-manicured hedge." }, { "number": "0273", "head": "02/04/81", "content": "I am a counselor. A client calls on the phone. She is pretty upset. There's lots of activity, so I step out in the hall and pace back and forth as I talk to her. I calm her down and remind her to read the instructions I've given her. I say, \"They're things I wrote.\" She complains that there aren't 3 things. I read them to her and then she sees them. Some persons from Bulgaria or Greece come and offer me wine. I try it. They are selling their wares. I see a price list. Everything is made by XXX and cousin George. Then, I am a Greek. I can become invisible at will. I want some truckers to pull their truck over to my spot on the side of the road to buy my wares, food and wine. They are mean and make fun of me, so I turn invisible and use the force of my mind to make them pull over. I wear a wreathe of flowers in my hair and dance in front of their truck and they follow. I lead them to a spot of grass where I have marked their tires and engine number. They pull up there. I have a banquet table set up for them. Then I see a national hero. He's driving a tank in the water. I go near to see and get caught under the tank treads. I become invisible so I won't be hurt. As they are Greek, they can see me and know I'm there and are concerned for me. I hold my breath and let the tank run over me and then I get up, unhurt. I go back on shore. The two Greeks join the banquet. They are very intrigued by me. For some reason, I encourage the mean truck driver. We all sit down to eat, the Greeks on either side of me. I am very beautiful." }, { "number": "0274", "head": "02/05/81", "content": "Shannon and I go on a vacation, just like last time. We get into a VW bug. She starts to drive. We stop at a restaurant to use the rest room. We carry our cats in. I have a Jay cat (a cousin of mine). She has Mama cat. Jay cat looks up at me, and asks if Papa cat is coming on the trip, I say, \"No, but Mama cat is. We'll have a good time.\" Then I point out my new \"jivin'\" hair cut. I choose to drive the rest of the way to give Shannon a rest. I carry the suit cases. I think maybe we'll take a different route this time. I think of Tennessee. [BL]" }, { "number": "0275", "head": "02/05/81", "content": "I'm with the girls, visiting. Howard comes and says he's moving to S City. The girls are concerned and ask me if they can still visit me. I said, \"Well, I have to ask my parents first because it's their house.\" My mother assures me that they can come. I feel glad. We start to make arrangements. Then Howard changes. He wants to talk to me. We sit on a couch at opposite ends. Howard tells me he's going back to school. He's changed now. He's going to become a lawyer. I keep emotional distance and sneer a little at his social climbing ways. Then he starts creeping closer and closer to me and I get that sick, trapped feeling again. I look at him. He's young now; he's lost weight and his fingers are long and slim. His eyes have an Oriental slant to them and his skin is brown. I say, \"Oh, you look all different,\" and describe it. He's concerned and has a whimpery quality to his voice and keeps physically sneaking up to me. I ask him to explain again his schooling he's going for. There is a couch pillow between us. He's trying to get around the pillow. He wants us to be together again. I then realize that he's a \"Monnis.\" He's going to S City for a month for training and then to school. Now the couch is a bath tub and he's trying to lay down beside me and I move away. He has puppy-like eyes. I feel sad for him. I feel trapped. I run. I go to an office. Now I want to go to the seminar training to see what's happening, like a spy. I ask the secretary. She says to type the letter \"E\" and I will get in. I try to. I hit lots of letters and finally get a E typed. They aren't thrilled but I'm accepted (and a friend, woman), we go. As we walk down a hall, I see I'm in a zoo. There is an enormous gorilla. I'm afraid of him and I try to avoid him seeing me, because Howard is near him. He sees me and winks at me. I go near. Howard is listening to his every word like a slave. I go on. I get out. Then I'm driving into a state park at the beach. The girls and I are on a vacation and returning to a place we've enjoyed before. It will be fun. I write a poem. Some men read it and look at me with respect. One says, \"It's not a poem in the traditional sense but she has talent, rhythm. It's good.\"" }, { "number": "0276", "head": "02/05/81", "content": "My grandmother Mildred is ill. She is dying. She wants grandpa Lloyd with her. We are in the living room. I see grandfather coming in to see her. He is younger looking and thin. He smiles and looks like he's gone through some emotional changes, like he's finally in touch with his feelings. Grandma is scared and needs his support. He knows that and gives her a present and talks about how he'd love to be there with her but he just can't, so much to do, etc. He talks like her and I look at my parents and think, \"See you all ways got on her case but she learned it from him.\" He's trying to do the polite thing and escape. She's practically begging him to be real and close with her. It's like grandfather has just discovered warmth and youth and knows he hasn't long to enjoy it and is insensitive to her and wants to leave her. He starts to leave. I am angry. I run after him and grab him at the porch. A younger cousin (with eyes like my kitty), wants to talk to him and gets there first. I say, \"Grandfather, I want to talk with you.\" He says, \"Well, I have to leave now, and he was here first.\" I look at the cousin and look at him, silently pleading for him to understand my need and then say to grandfather, \"How can you do this to her?!\" I then feel empathy and say, \"I know you need XXX. I know you XXX, but she needs you. How can you be so cruel to her?\" He's walking to the car and I'm following, crying, \"Grandfather! Grandfather!,\" and sobbing. He won't listen. He's on his way." }, { "number": "0277", "head": "02/07/81", "content": "A flying dream. Sometimes it was easy to get up and soar. Other times, it was a real struggle. I was in a large department store. I had to fly above florescent lights and under wires. It was a struggle. Then, Bonnie and I visit a woman. She brings out her old maternity clothes for Bonnie to try on. We both say, \"Oh, how cute!\" I say, \"...But it's not my style, thank goodness.\" It's tailored, peter pan collar, pleated skirt, and brown. I look at myself and remember what it was like to be pregnant and I'm relieved I'm not. I then fly again. I'm in a grocery store. I pick out bananas and other things. I look around for a store clerk. I ask Cory if he snuck some ham before he went to chicken. He said, \"Yes.\" I start to. I'm afraid I'll get caught but I don't have enough money to buy all the food I need." }, { "number": "0278", "head": "02/08/81", "content": "Two doors, one marked \"Men\" and one marked \"Women.\" I go into the men's room because I am guiding a man through. I hope no one's in there to see me. I'd be embarrassed. The door opens into a narrow hall and goes to another door which opens into a school hall with offices off of it. Then I am going into one of the offices to talk to Leif, an older PE teacher. He's upset about one woman student. I reassure him. As I talk, I put one hand on his arm. His eyes warm up and he puts an arm near my shoulder and leans closer. I see this and try to make him realize that I'm just trying to reassure him, not fall in love with him. I then go out, across the yard to try the dormitory. I walk in. A woman, Virginia, one of my roommates, tells me the dryers are broken. There are lots of them in a row (clothes dryers). I look them over and push buttons. Virginia is already to go over to Leif and complain. I tell her not to. \"He's happy now and besides, they're working O.K. now.\" She walks out with a blue dollhouse to show him. She's glad he's happy now. I suddenly feel glad to be alive. Things are working out O.K. I am in running shorts and decide I'll get back into jogging every morning at 6:00 a.m. I look out the window (venetian blinds, open) and feel happy." }, { "number": "0279", "head": "02/09/81", "content": "I'm traveling the U.S. in the late 1800's. I meet up with Burt Lancaster, another woman, and her young son. We travel together. It's winter. The woman asks me to take a huge ice knife and cut blocks of ice (we're on a lake). I say, \"I'm afraid to. I'll slip and fall in or it will crack and go out from under us.\" She does it herself. Burt falls in love with her. She is married already to some disagreeable wimp. He doesn't like having Burt around but accepts it because Burt is strong and will save the family from disaster. The woman learns ways of survival in the wilderness from Burt. He puts an animal on a rock. A huge bird swoops down and kills it. I cry (I'm a daughter, I think). I think that's cruel. Burt says, \"He had every chance for survival. He had to fight. He lost.\" I feel awful. Then Burt is talking to a young, pudgy boy who is really a squirrel. His eyes are squirrel's eyes. He tells the boy he's a squirrel and will be left on his own to survive. The boy listens and then changes physically into a squirrel. He runs and is safe. I'm glad he's safe. Now Burt's in San Francisco on a sailing boat. I'm the first mate. We decide to sail back to our starting point. I start to cast off. Burt asks me if I have my cigarettes. I look. I'm lighting the wrong end and it's smoking wrong. I say, \"Hey, let's sail overland.\" We do. We're going on a dirt road. We meet up with that family again. I hear someone saying to the woman, \"Oh Mr. XXX is here. Have you ever met him?\" She and her son run to see Burt. He's in a tavern. A woman sort of pretty, shy, and he are hugging. Another woman, sophisticated, wearing black and red (saucy) cuts in. He likes them both. The first one feels put out but hangs in there." }, { "number": "0280", "head": "02/09/81", "content": "I am in Germany at a bus depot. I am trying to find out if I can get on a bus with my wheelchair. I know a few words in German \"Was ist das?\" etc. Didn't look too promising. Everyone is concerned because things weren't accessible. Then I'm in my green pickup. I think Howard, or another woman (myself), is with me. I suggest we get on a subway car and we talk about leaving the chair in the pickup. We're standing out on a sidewalk discussing ways and means. I notice we're standing in front of a hospital. I suggest we go in there, in case I start going into labor. We go in. The person with me is all excited and wants to check me right in. I get embarrassed and squat down beside him or her. I whisper, \"Please don't. I've been thinking, I'm not even sure I'm pregnant.\" I look at my tummy and realize I'm not, and it would be embarrassing to get checked in for labor and I'm not even pregnant. My friend then goes in to talk to a doctor. Now I'm really embarrassed. She comes back and says, \"The doctor wants to talk to you.\" Now I'm a little angry too. I decide to leave. I then see Andrea. I start to pat her on the arm and remember not to. I say, \"Imagine seeing you here in a hospital in Germany.\" She looks at me like she doesn't know me and starts talking about where she might have met me. I just smile at her little joke, not completely sure it's a joke." }, { "number": "0281", "head": "02/12/81", "content": "There is a social gathering. A man (like Harrison Ford), comes in and talks to people. He sees 2 women and a girl and comes over and talks to them. He knows one woman. He talks and then meanders on to talk to others. The next night, the same thing. The one woman starts waiting for him, a budding romance. Then one night, she and her daughter are waiting for him and watch him come in to the party. He doesn't come over. The daughter makes a snide remark. The woman gets upset because he doesn't come over, so she gets up to leave. That will show him. She gets to the door, hoping he'll care enough to boogie over. He sees it and does come over. The woman is glad. Now we're at the race track; he's a jockey and he's good. He wins a race. The next race is won by another young man, a friend. After the race, I (the woman) walk and he follows after to talk. So does the cocky young kid that won. He's full of energy and still wants to race. My male friend says, \"Wait.\" He goes and gets his horse, a spotted pinto and another one. I get up behind him and he leads the other horse, so I have one to ride later. We ride like the wind. I wrap my arms around him and hold on tightly. I like him and I think he likes me. We're doing this to help the kid because he has so much energy, he would get into trouble if we don't help him. After the race, we go to a fenced-in dirt area. I get off the horse and lay down, my head pillowed in the dirt. It's comfortable. We're laying around, talking. A plain clothes cop comes up and starts asking questions. What's our names, etc. He asks a woman her name and the names of her two children. She gives false names. He leaves. She explains why she did that. He comes back and asks my name. I think about lying but then decide to tell him the truth. I say, \"Barb Sanders.\" He says, \"What?\" I repeat it, very calmly and sure of myself. He then arrests the kid. The other gal goes to the kid and says, \"Tony, I love you.\" Harrison and I look at each other. I had thought Harrison loved her at the beginning. The kid is happy that she loves him. Harrison comes over to me and says, \"Remember at the beginning? It was because I knew her that I talked with her. I love you.\" I feel happy. Now they're being taken off to Russia to work off their debt. I wait for him. Then there is a composite letter. It is started by a Russian. It goes to Harrison, then to Tony, and then to me and the other girl and the guy's dad. The Russian starts it. It is simple English. I am standing on farmland reading it. The father is a lawyer. I know that soon, I'll have Harrison home with me and love him." }, { "number": "0282", "head": "02/12/81", "content": "I'm going to an open house of new rooms at the community college. 3 VR counselors are going to move on campus. Zach is there. I ask him who the 3 will be, wondering if Blake will be there. He won't. I exclaim on the ornate and lovely wood work, banisters, etc. I ask why the hall is so narrow. Even VR doesn't understand about architectural barriers! Mabel and I go out. She gets a key out and opens a cubby hole to get a vase for her office. I see doll houses in there. I want them 5-6-7. I say, \"Hey, I could use one of those in my office,\" but I want the one in the library (it's big and beautiful). These are seconds that have been stored. I ask if my key will do the lock. Mabel says, \"Yes.\" I try to lock it up. It won't lock. My key will open it, but it won't close it. Mabel and I laugh. We then go to her pickup truck to go to the the community college party at the XXX Inn. We drive and can't find it. I ask some boys and they say, \"Through there,\" pointing to a warehouse. Mabel drives in. I walk in. I see rows and rows of farming equipment. I am sure the boys are wrong. I go back to the entrance to find Mabel. I find her. We see people in Halloween costumes going up a hill. She says, \"Keep an eye on that one, and I'll follow this other one.\" I walk fast. I am annoyed that I have to walk so far. There are lots of stairs and hills, and my body will hurt and I won't be able to enjoy the dance. As I walk, I realize I don't hurt. I feel good. I'm in a shopping center. I go down a long flight of stairs. There are rows of socks for sale and I have to walk on them. I get to the XXX Inn. Some people are already there in costume. I have my costume on, my brocade coat, a purple shawl, and a pretty old fashioned dress. I walk without a cane or a limp. I want no one to know who I am so they'll talk about me and I'll hear what they really think of me. The party hasn't started yet. I see Ethan, and he's with his wife. He follows me around and watches me. I sing a song. My costume changes to a more revealing and younger costume. He and I are standing. He comes closer and closer as he talks. Then I'm sitting on his lap. He says, \"My arms belong around you. I love you both,\" (meaning his wife too). He wants to kiss me and I'm drawn to him but move slowly. I also don't want to. As we walk I say, \"People here don't give the disabled a chance to perform.\" He smiles and says, \"Me too?\" I say, \"Yes.\" He says, \"You aren't performing because you aren't good enough. You haven't matured.\" I feel hurt. I disagree. I say, \"I didn't want to be a mistress.\" I get up and go to the dance floor. I start dancing to show him I could do it. A guy dances with me. I'm good and Ethan is impressed. The guy does a fancy step that involves dropping into a hole under a doll house. As part of the dance, I peek in and see him. I like the inside of the doll house. I want to go in too, so I drop into the hole and go inside. Ethan is somewhere watching me." }, { "number": "0283", "head": "02/13/81", "content": "I get 2 free coupons and I'm at the jewelry counter in a drug store. One is for 50 pounds of 50 shells (sea shells). The other is for a watch band. I have a $5 bill and a couple of ones. An old guy comes in, throwing money away. He's drunk or crazy. Others run and pick it up and encourage him. I stand at the counter and feel embarrassed. He gives me some coupons and some $l bills and a $5. I'm concerned that he shouldn't do that, he'll regret it later. Yet, I need the money so I just stand there. I push away the coupon and feel sad because I don't get much money. Finally, the woman at the counter comes to wait on me. She's harried because another person has a coupon for 50 shells and it's tedious work. The person has to sift through and pick out each one and then she has to examine each one because one might have gotten a valuable one and she's very conscientious. It's a family store. The drunk man turns into a Mickey Rooney type with a gun. He's going to rob the place. Now I stand a chance of loosing even the meager $8 I had of my own. I see watch bands and I'm looking for a cheap one that would fit a watch face I have at home. The guy is waving the gun around. The father of the family that owns the store tries to help the Mickey Rooney guy who is now a baby named Tom. He gets him pinned at the door. I run to a phone to call the police. The father says, \"No, we're not going to call the police because I want this baby Tom to set things right and straighten out.\" At first I am worried; the father's really dumb and will lose. Then I see that Tom is touched by this and gives up his gun. Now Tom is a member of the family. A brother gives up and introduces himself to Tom, a smaltzy happy ending like in a Father Knows Best show." }, { "number": "0284", "head": "02/13/81", "content": "Someone broke a leg, a girl. We needed to get her to a hospital room. A young man and I got her to a hospital room. I got her a pretty vase and filled it with champagne. I thought the young man gave her the champagne. He was being very supportive and then I went to tell the friends where she was. I find them, crowded in a room watching T.V. or something. They were supportive and gave me and the guy good food for free, like we could take it with us and save the price of an expensive meal. Then, I was on a boat trying to drive it. I'm going in circles. 2 big rocks and a road I narrowly miss. I was trying to sneak in where all the fancy ocean liners were. I snuck around narrowly missing the rocks and the road. It was pitch black outside. I stopped and looked around. I was surrounded by the beautiful lights of all these fancy ocean liners. I didn't want them to find out I was just a scow. There was something wrong with my engines. I tried to pull up to a side dock. A fancy ocean liner pulled up to assist. I tried to make light of it so they'd go away. They pulled a lever and my ship tipped on its side. They were going to look at my engine. I didn't want them to because then they'd know. The young man got a plum ball and checked the angle. I said, \"45 degrees,\" but it was like 90. They discovered the fraud and I ran away. They yelled. Now I was going to sell papers to make some money. I got a bunch of newspapers and tried to get in a tree so people driving down the street could hear me. I used two white crutches (old fashioned y-shaped), to try and I got in the tree. I asked Zoe to hold it for me as they went sliding around. I got up there and yelled, \"Papers! Get your paper here! 25 cents!\" The name of the paper was La D. It was trashy (like the National Enquirer). People drove by. I was embarrassed but it was the only paper I had. A young man came over and looked up at me. He said, \"I'll buy a paper.\" I feel glad and embarrassed. I liked him and didn't want to give him trash. I dug through my pile of newspapers; one had a hole in it. Another was missing a section. I looked for a nice one. I found one and saw it was a classy paper, like the Tribune, or something. I gave it to him. He said, \"Here is 75 cents,\" and handed me lots of coins. I had 2 dimes in my hand all ready. I started to figure out the change. He softly said, \"You don't owe me any change. It's O.K. I want you to look at me closely. When you grow up, we're going to be in love.\" It was a nice feeling. I looked at him." }, { "number": "0285", "head": "02/13/81", "content": "Ernie is in a car. I'm talking to him. We are parked in front of a house that sits between the old M City house and Dora's house. I see Mrs. XXX. I go to her old house to get something. I wish they'd move in again. Ernie drives me to my driveway. He says he'll come back and pick me up a little later. I gather up my things that are in a disorganized mess on the seat, papers, a T.V. guide, appointment book, etc. I start to walk toward the house. Someone comes out, a bad guy. He stops me. He has a small person on his back. He makes me the one that has to whip the little person to death. I am appalled. I'm being forced into it. A crowd gathers. I/Ernie slowly pick up the whip and I/Ernie get an idea. I/Ernie start beating the little person, so cleverly that the sting of the whip hurts the bad guy more. I move the whip to the back of the bad person's knees and whip and whip and whip until he drops. I am exhausted but proud of myself. I lift up Muffin Cat and say to the crowd, \"I want you to meet the one who really did it,\" but the crowd isn't paying any attention. They are going to listen to a woman sing. I try to speak louder, but they don't pay attention. I pet Muffin Cat and say, \"It's O.K. You did a good and clever thing.\"" }, { "number": "0286", "head": "02/14/81", "content": "A friend and I were driving to R City. I was combing my hair. I was going to get married. I had impulsively decided to get married and I chose my brother Dwight. Somehow it was O.K. because the reason I was getting married was to keep other men away, so it wasn't incest because we wouldn't have relations sexually. I got to R City and I realized that I forgot to bring my wedding gown. I was embarrassed and felt badly. I called my parents and asked them to bring it down in time for the wedding. I felt badly about asking this favor of them. I could have remembered it in the first place. I always ask my parents to bail me out. I felt guilty. It then occurred to me that if I was getting married, they should want to be there, anyway. It occurred to me then that I was getting married to my brother, and I got cold feet. I got embarrassed. The reason I had earlier, didn't hold up now, and I felt appalled that I would consider incest. I was embarrassed. \"What would people think?\" I remembered that as a younger person, I had really thought it would be nice if I could marry Dwight. I felt repulsed by the idea now." }, { "number": "0287", "head": "02/14/81", "content": "Darryl calls me up. He's sick and needs help. I tell him a friend is coming to him right now. We talk. I then remember to ask him, almost as an after thought, \"Should I send an ambulance?\" He says, \"Yes.\" I ask directions to his house. He says, \"Up the hill, turn right on the electronics side of the building.\" I say, \"Don't worry, it's on its way.\" I get in my pickup truck and drive to the hospital to meet him. I get there. Chuck drives himself to the hospital in a bright red VW bug. He looks sheepish because he didn't wait for the ambulance. We are leaning out of our car windows talking. He says he used to work for an ambulance and therefore was embarrassed to use it. He looks for a place to park. I realize I'm in his parking space but don't move. A car in front of me leaves and he parks there." }, { "number": "0288", "head": "02/14/81", "content": "I think it's time to wake up and go to school (high school). I get up, embarrassed and sleepy. I'm late, so I hurry. Then on my way to school, I wake up again to discover that I had been crawling on my belly to school sound asleep. I hear a Dixieland Jazz band with a good thumping bass. I look up and see dial-a-bus drivers marching down the street like a parade. I hear Herman saying that he can play good bass and if they'd liven up the music, he'd play for them. They politely smile and keep on going. He's too hippie for them. I look at my watch and I see that it is 3:20 a.m. No wonder I'm so sleepy! I can't believe it. Here I am at the entrance to school, not dressed (in my pj's). I see others dressed and going to class so I figure my watch must be wrong. I look at a clock at the school. It says 4:00 a.m. I think, \"How weird. Usually it's 3:30 or 4:00 p.m. when I go home and here I am going to school at the same time only a.m.\" I go down the hall. A girl (Anita) goes by. I ask her the time. She says, \"ll:00.\" Now I'm late and have missed my first class and a half! I feel confused and silly. I tell her what I had done. We go into the bathroom. I decide to take a bath. I get in the bathtub and realize that I had not bothered to take my clothes off! I had started to pull my jeans down but there I am, shoes and all soaking wet. I am amazed at myself and call Anita over and exclaim, \"I'm so sleepy I didn't even take my clothes off. Now how am I going to go to class? I don't have any other clothes.\" She says, \"Don't worry. There's always some clothes laying around in a suit case. We'll find something.\" Then I see some dresses and shirts of mine and I say, \"Oh ya, I forgot. Here's some of my clothes I've left here before.\" I feel embarrassed because if I'd been thinking clearly, I'd have known that and she wouldn't be helping me. I'm still standing in the bathtub. I pull the plug to let the water drain. I see that I've had a bowel movement and I'm embarrassed. A laundry basket with clothes and towels is in the tub with me. I'm still standing. I'm tired of standing and I resent the fact that I didn't get to take a relaxing bath. I start to fold clothes. Anita is helping me. She sees the bowel movement and looks embarrassed. She says, \"Don't worry, I'll clean it up,\" but I can see she doesn't want to. I say, \"No, I'll do it.\" I scoop it out into the toilet and see french fries and fish sticks floating around also. I scoop them out too. I'm glad I took care of it myself and didn't let her do it for me (Anita sometimes reminds me of mother and sometimes reminds me of me.)" }, { "number": "0289", "head": "02/14/81", "content": "We're making a 60 second T.V. public anouncement. Donald Duck and I and some other people (men, one black, one white). It is humorous. We laugh and enjoy as we creatively think it up and then act it and then play it back. First, I draw a tracing of Donald Duck for the camera. Then, the men play Donald Duck when the shots involve not seeing the face (stand-ins), one in a tuxedo. Donald Duck picks up a bra made out of 2 top hats and holds them up to his chest. I'm in a cage playing my baby banjo while Donald Duck drives a broom around the outside of the cage and the person in the tux drives a motorcycle. I'm tracing Donald Duck's webbed feet. Now his body is the coast and a technical decision has to be made about how to differentiate the fish in the ocean from his body. Donald Duck is highly dramatic lamenting that he's not unique. He's not the only \"genius\" or genus species to cry. I'm trying to trace the leg of Donald Duck and I need to connect Route 66 with Centennial Blvd. I make a mis-tracing, but then I figure it out." }, { "number": "0290", "head": "02/14/81", "content": "Repetitious singing, it's not good or correct but that's O.K. because I'm working through something. It's necessary to go through this step. I tell myself I've already written this dream down (I realize after I wake up, that I hadn't)." }, { "number": "0291", "head": "02/14/81", "content": "An image of me, shaped like a sack of dry cat food or kitty litter, sitting in a shopping basket/cart. Someone is pushing me around." }, { "number": "0292", "head": "02/15/81", "content": "Dylan helps me. I am confused. He walks me to Andrea's office. She shows me her pet, sort of like an alligator. I back away from it. Then I look for Dylan. He's fast asleep laying on top of the alligator! I think, \"Oh, he must be so tired. I won't wake him,\" but I hope he wakes up. He does. A client comes in all confused. We deal with her. I talk to the C. dept. I want it to shape up. I walked barefooted. I remember being surprised that I can do it. No pain." }, { "number": "0293", "head": "02/16/81", "content": "It's a hot day. I'm traveling through hot and dusty lands. There are lots of steep hills. I see a river. I take all may clothes off and get in the river and swim up stream. The current gets faster and harder. The water boils around. I go around a corner and see a huge waterfall. It looks like thick plastic. I feel stopped. I struggle to the side bank and sit on the rocks. I hide myself because I'm naked. I call out to Dwight to help me. I exclaim about the waterfall. He comes and looks at it. I ask him, \"What are we going to do?\" He goes to investigate. Then, I have to cook a dinner for a very authoritarian dad. Dwight gives me directions. I resent having to do things the way the dad dictates. Dad apparently told Dwight and Dwight told me. A younger sister questioned if she could go to store to get milk and we all gasp at her because dad would be angry if he heard her innocently talk about buying impulsively. One waits for sales and buys in weekly or monthly lots to save money. I open a drawer. I find lots and lots of spaghetti noodles. I am going to peel potatoes and look for some fresh potatoes. All I find are rotten old ones. I feel angry and resentful. I look out the window. I see a lighthouse. It is short and fat. I say, \"Oh, has it the old lantern in it?\" I then laugh and answer myself, \"Probably not. They aren't used anywhere any more. It's a shame.\" Some man is watching us. I plop the dishes on the table, 3 plates. One for dad, one for Lydia, and one for myself. We sit at a huge table. Dwight sits where dad should be. I look startled and then see he's sitting next to dad's place. My plate is accidently too close to dad's plate. I get angry and grab it and move it to my place. The man watches. It's like I'm temperamental and capable of standing up to this dad and he's curious if I'm going to blow up or if I'll just keep all that resentment inside. I feel fake nonchalance. I grumble and say smart things but I don't directly blow up. I feel close to it." }, { "number": "0294", "head": "02/16/81", "content": "Eating dinner at M City house. I'm eating a hot dog. My father yells at me to sit down and eat right. I am standing and freeze mid-bite. I refuse to knuckle under. He says, \"If you plan on living here, you'd better do as you're told.\" I just glare at him and take another bite. Then I get up, go upstairs, pack some things into a few boxes, and stalk out of the house. I am righteous. He's amused; he thinks I'll be back soon. I'm scared. I have no money, no place to go, and I have heavy boxes, but I am determined. I see a motel. Some guy comes out of a room and sees me. He says, \"Running away, eh? Well, I'm leaving for the night. You can sleep here.\" I'm tempted but decide not to because I could get caught if they get a new customer for the room. I go down the elevator. I feel brave because they might ask me what I'm going there. I see the word \"lights\" in the elevator. I walk all night, carrying my boxes of things. The next day is a school day (M City High). Apparently, I remember I have a car. I put my things in the car and go to school. I get a newspaper between classes to look for a place to stay." }, { "number": "0295", "head": "02/17/81", "content": "I'm in a hospital elevator. A woman nurse puts on a helmet like she's walking into a spaceship. There are lots of beds in a row. I'm in one of the beds. I have to go to the bathroom. I get up and slowly walk down some stairs to the toilet. A girl friend helps me down the stairs and then rushes in to use the toilet first. I am annoyed and think she's rude. I stand there feeling tired and needing to go to the bathroom. I remark that I walked all that way barefooted. Then I go in. I go and go. It's painful and I think, \"Oh no, I have a bladder infection. It's just starting. I'll have to take my medicine again.\" I walk back to my bed. Desmond comes in. I see him and feel shy. We used to be lovers and it's been a long time. I get up and light a candle on the dresser across the room. He sits on my bed. I walk back and sit on the bed. I try to get comfortable. I'm wearing a red shorty nightgown. I am aware of his eyes. I know he'd like to get back together again (like Elliot). Every position I get into looks inviting or sexy. He changes his position too. We get closer and closer. A T.V. is on. We both move to watch the T.V. Now we are very close. His shirt is off. He has beautiful golden soft skin. I want to caress it. I'm laying very close to him. He says, \"I see your candle. Is it the one I gave you?\" I look at it. It's a beautiful candle, a soft fragrance, pretty color, with lovely colored flames. I say, \"No I burned your candle. It's all gone. But I got this one because it's like your candle and I liked it.\" I am embarrassed because I am indirectly telling him I like him. He starts talking about the old days, when we were together. I feel drawn to him. It's very sensual. He says, \"I smell something burning.\" I look. There are 3 candles burning. One, his candle, is near something and I go over to look. A plant is too close to the candle, and a bud is on fire. I pull it away and put out the flame. Most of the plant falls off. I exclaim, \"Look how it's grown. I got this plant this evening. It just had a few shoots and now there are long shoots and 2 or 3 buds.\" I feel sad that it's burnt and broken, but I feel O.K. because it grows fast and will regrow new buds. In a way, it's like it's been pruned and will regrow faster. I blow out all three candles and get back in bed with Paul." }, { "number": "0296", "head": "02/17/81", "content": "I sitting in a pickup truck on the passenger side. I park near a side walk. Lots of people are parking around me, like we're camping together. A man is angry at me because he parked in that spot before. Then a Japanese man hops in and says he'll help me and now I'm being driven in their station wagon to another spot and I will be with their family, wife, and kids. I don't like that. I want to be alone for awhile. I hesitate and then say, \"I'm sorry but could you drive me back to that spot where I was, before someone else gets it. It's important for me to be alone.\" They look annoyed, but comply. I assure them I'll be all right. I can sleep on the seat if I get tired and the kids can be in the back if they want. The angry young man walks by with his nose in the air. He makes a snide remark. I make a sarcastic remark back. He's angry at me for wanting to be alone. He's like Ashton at uni house." }, { "number": "0297", "head": "02/18/81", "content": "I'm hitch hiking walking back home. I'm on the old highway from N City to M City. When I get to M City, I pick up my van with a wheelchair and drive back to E City. I am really stubborn. I want to walk it. I'm in the fast lane walking, and I decide to go on the side of the road so cars won't run over me. I look over my shoulder several times to see if cars are coming, and then I get on the side of the road. I'm walking fast and I'm hugging the side of the road so I won't get run over. I walk on wooden boards that are attached to chicken houses. It gets real narrow. I have to watch my footing. The chickens are mean. Some bite and I get scared. As I squeeze through near the ones that bite, I whimper and say, \"Don't bite.\" They do a little but I get by. Now I'm on a second story level. I have to move a row of black animals to get to the edge to jump off to get back on the road. I pick up a puppy, a cat, a chicken, etc. and move them. A boy in a cage sees what I'm doing and verbally gives me encouragement. I feel an urgency to escape. I hop down and land in a dishwasher. I try to be quiet. For some reason that puzzles me. I pick up 4 plates, a sugar bowl and its lid. They are white and purple Melmac just like the set I had when I first married. I pick up a towel with holes to cover it up and I start walking. The young, angry, unhappy wife suspects I've taken her dishes and starts to follow me. I try to hide the dishes in the towel but they are awkward and keep slipping and showing through the hole. She gets in her car and tells her husband she's going to follow me to get to the bottom of this. He gently tries to dissuade her. He's on my side. She says, \"No,\" and comes after me. He tells her as an aside that I'm usually in a wheelchair. She doesn't believe it. She asks me belligerently, \"Are you usually in a wheelchair?\" I say, \"Yes, it's in M City. I'm walking to M City where I can pick up my van with a lift and my wheelchair.\" She is sitting on a chair mounted on the hood of the car and contemptuously offers me a ride to my van. I get stubborn. I don't want to be near her because she'll see the dishes and ask about them. For some reason it's important to walk to M City. I tell her, \"I want to walk.\" I do. She's really angry and follows me. Her kind and patient husband comes along. I am stopped at a swimming pool along the road. All persons must swim before they are allowed through this small town and pay the price of admission. I am annoyed. Captain James T. Kirk is the mayor. I tell him, \"I can't swim.\" He says, \"No problem, just wade barefoot in a small pool and I'll let you go on.\" I clutch my dishes which rattle and keep slipping. I look at the pool. The incline to get to the pool is long and steep. I snort indignantly that I can't walk that steep an incline because of my ankles. He thinks for a moment. He says, \"There is another alternative,\" and goes to his book of city ordinances. It is thick and has tabs with city ordinance #'s. When he opens it up to the one he wants, I look over his shoulder and see it's handwritten and the only one there. He obviously writes the rules as he sees fit, a very shady operation. He sees that the alternative is to go to a meeting of the Ladies Mayhem Society. l The dues are $50. I only have to pay $45 on account of I've already paid $5 for the swimming ticket. I prudently agree. I know I'm being cheated but I want out of there to get away from that angry wife and to get to M City, back on my journey. I think about dumping the dishes but I stubbornly refuse even though I'd be more comfortable without them. I have no use for them anyway. I go on. She follows me. The husband gives me a nice towel with no holes to better conceal the dishes." }, { "number": "0298", "head": "02/18/81", "content": "A feeling of 3 parts of my \"soul\" or \"mind.\" I'm in the 2nd part and it's good that I'm there." }, { "number": "0299", "head": "02/18/81", "content": "I'm in bed. Ginny comes and lays down next to me. She says, \"Is it alright?\" I feel unsure but trusting because we're friends. Then she pats her chest and says, \"Here, lay your head on me.\" I do and she puts her arms around me. It feels very comfortable and safe. I really enjoy it and then I feel very sexually excited. It seems O.K. Then Ernie is there. Ginny and I grudgingly move apart. I want Ernie to go away so I can enjoy Ginny. Then Ginny is married to my cousin Terence. I think, \"That's really strange because they are so opposite.\" She is unhappy. She's now my cousin-in-law. Ernie follows us sadly. Ginny and I are sitting next to each other. She's sadly telling me how he doesn't want her to work. He wants her home being a good housewife. I start to explain that his mother, my Aunt Camille, is an old-fashioned woman. I look up and see Uncle Lionel glaring at me. Other male relatives are sitting in a semi-circle. I still tell the truth but make it sound nicer. Instead of using a tone of voice that is putting her down, I speak softly and loving about how she was just brought up to believe a woman's place is in the home and taught Terence that women are supposed to be in the home. I say, \"He won't change.\" She (Ginny), agrees. I follow her down the sidewalk; her two sons are with her. I think, \"They are Ernie's boys. She didn't have any children with Terence.\" Then, she and I decide to fly away and leave them all. We struggle and struggle, flapping our arms. We can't seem to fly and I almost give up, but lots of men are around and they are an ugly crowd. Now there are 3 of us women trying to fly away. We make a gigantic effort and we start flying. At first, we're as high as the wires and stop and duck that. Then we hit some updraft and flow up into the sky. Soon we are smoothly gliding up and up and don't have to flap our arms. I am concerned because they can shoot at us, so we go as high and as far as we can. We realize that we'll have to hide now. We look for a mountain cabin. We find one. It's a motel. We have no money, no food. We think about ways we can get money. We decide the only way is to be prostitutes. We lure 3 guys in 3 cars to us. I have 3 men in my car, 2 standing and one laying down in the trunk. I sit on top of him. I'm so good that he has orgasm in just a few seconds. I feel a sense of accomplishment. I'm a good prostitute. One of the guys standing hands me $15. I say, \"No, I said $50 to $100.\" He says, \"Take it or leave it sister,\" and sneers. I feel calm. I stand up and put my hands on my hips like Wonder Woman and use my mind power. Their wallets float to me. They look flabbergasted. I smile. I look over at the other two cars. They have done the same. We have lots of money now and we fly away. We go to a mountain resort. We figure we're safe if we go in and register separately as no one knows what we really look like and our wings don't show. The third woman is a platinum blonde. We meet in the restaurant and \"make acquaintance.\" I am looking forward to when we can go to the hotel room where we can be ourselves and not play act." }, { "number": "0300", "head": "02/19/81", "content": "I'm making love with Nate. We roll off the bed onto the floor. He says, \"Here, I'll make you feel good and then you can make me feel good.\" I hesitate because it would be nice to do it altogether, but I get caught up in feeling good. He makes love to me but doesn't enter me, just almost. 3 or 4 people come walking in. I am surprised and then annoyed. I had let one of them live in my house but now his family and friends have taken over. I say, \"Hey, this is my home.\" I get up and ask them to go outside and then feel good that I was assertive." }, { "number": "0301", "head": "02/20/81", "content": "I wanted a pen-pal. I'm in a living room. I use the phone and call long distance to Canada. We talk about the Queen." }, { "number": "0302", "head": "02/20/81", "content": "I am dressed as a young boy/man, but I'm a woman. I am in disguise. It's 1800's. A man sees me and seems to take me under his wing. He is quiet, strong and watchful. He knows I'm masquerading and is intrigued by me. There are some ruffians and he saves me from them and suggests I travel with him. I go to get my worldly possessions. I live in an attic room of a big tall building. I go up many flights of stairs. As I am running up the stairs, I feel a mild earthquake. I mutter over and over, \"The bricks, the bricks on the roof.\" I am afraid. Apparently my father or some man had been killed by bricks falling off the roof. We get to the roof. I see bricks falling and a man falling. I grab my duffle bag of clothes and run down the flights of stairs. Out on the street, we get on horses to ride away. This man feels empathy for me and will protect me. [BL]" }, { "number": "0303", "head": "02/20/81", "content": "A crowd is gathered. I think we are in Germany. A blind man is trying to show the crowd awards and grants of money our disabled community received for the cause. He unfolds one award and I see the \"blue y\" raised \"$400.\" The crowd is very impressed. Then the man takes his briefcase with the awards in it and throws it suddenly in a chute. The crowd gasps. He says, \"It's worthless. It won't help. What we need to do is march on the president's house, president of a college. I go with him. Most of the crowd goes away. Some follow us. It's dark, so he leads me. We both have canes to feel for holes in the ground as my feet are tender (the ankles). We go to the president's house, passing houses where lesser officials live. We interrupt dinner and present our case." }, { "number": "0304", "head": "02/20/81", "content": "Same house. I am a detective. A woman (me), is terrified. Something is out to get her. She lays on a bed and hears vampires and werewolves hissing and growling in the room. She's afraid to look. Then they go away. She accuses the detective of being a bad guy as he left for a time and could have been the one to hurt her. She calls in some high official/father. The detective (me), denies the accusations and knows that she's really the \"bad guy\" out to get herself and try to explain it to her. She is actually hurting me with her accusations." }, { "number": "0305", "head": "02/21/81", "content": "I get a call from Jamie. He asks me to move in and be his roommate for awhile. It helps to meet expenses and he needs me there so he won't look homosexual. He's an old friend, so I agree. I come to his apartment. I think about sleeping with his homosexual friends and getting our picture taken so they can have \"proof\" they aren't homosexual. I think, \"It would be fun and a nice thing to do.\" Then I think, \"Would the police believe a picture of two people making love was just a snapshot of daily activities? I mean, how many people have pictures taken of themselves making love? It would look suspicious.\" I call out to Jamie. He's in another room. He says, \"Make yourself comfortable. Be with you in a minute.\" I decide I'm tired and look for the bedroom. I find his bedroom. It's lovely, a large king size bed, and a lovely window with a view. It's a nice apartment, so I unpack a few things. I put Muffin Cat down. I put my dream book and ink pen down (that writes blue and that I got at the conference in October). I put on my nighty (the maroon one), and get in bed. As I get comfortable, I begin to feel unsure. \"Maybe he didn't want me in his bed. Maybe he has a second bedroom. Will he smell the fact that I'm on my period? Will I stain the sheets? What if I want to masturbate?\" Jamie comes in the room. I sit up and say, \"Maybe you want me to sleep somewhere else? It's O.K. My feelings won't be hurt. Just tell me what you had in mind.\" He says, \"Ah, actually I'd rather you sleep in the other room.\" I say, O.K.\" I'm a little embarrassed but I feel O.K. about it. I then remember my dream book. I pick up the ink pen and look for the book. I would be embarrassed if he found it, especially if he read about the homosexual worries. I find it in the covers, near him. I pick it up and then gather my few clothes etc., and Muffin Cat. I follow him out the corridor. He points to a room. He has a funny smile on his face, like he's playing a mean joke. I go into the room to find myself in a huge dormitory ward, like destitute people in a hospital ward. A woman greets me. I see all these poor people and smell the hospital. I say to the woman, \"There's a mistake. I won't sleep in here,\" and I go back to the door. I see Jamie in his bathrobe, sheepishly waiting for me. I say, \"Very funny.\" We walk down the corridor. It's the outside of the apartment complex. To the left are stairs to apartment doors. To the right is a huge swimming pool. The outdoor safe tables, round and metal, are also in the pool, under water. I look at the pool and think, \"How nice. After I get moved in, I'd like to swim.\" I think it is cold for the tables to be underwater. Then I notice Jamie is gone. He's gone back to the apartment and left me out there in the dark, in my nighty, with all my clothes in a sack. I yell, \"Jamie, Jamie!\" I am angry but I still care about him as a friend. He appears at an upstairs door and looks sheepishly. I tell him I don't appreciate the way he's behaving, leaving me in the dark and etc. I say, \"Which one is your apartment?\" He points and I start to walk up the stairs. The wooden stairs give way. The stairs were a rope, wood ladder and the rope snapped. I land, unhurt but shaken. He laughs. I say, \"Now how am I going to get up there?\" He points to the stairs next to his, his neighbors. He comes down to walk up with me. He is concerned now. He goes up the stairs. I start up the stairs. I get nearly to the top and then I see the rope start to go. I look up at Jamie and the stairs tilt. I am very annoyed at him. I grab the ladder and we fall. I realize that if I don't scramble up the ladder as it falls, I'll be hurt because it's a long way down. I scramble and end up inches form the ground, unhurt. Jamie growls at the landlord's apartment. He doesn't like him (because Jamie is a homo) and looks for the maintenance person. He comes out and looks at the situation. 2 women tenants come out and look at the situation. I see a third stairway I could use to get to Jamie's apartment but I think, \"Huh! I'm getting a message here. 3rd time, the charm! There's some reason why I shouldn't go to Jamie's apartment. He obviously doesn't want me.\" Still, I wait for the maintenance man to fix the stairs. He's grumpy. He doesn't want to do it. The 2 women want the pinball or T.V. games hooked up. He shows them how to do it so they can do it themselves next time and not bother him. I say, \"Well, that's all very interesting but it's not getting me anywhere.\" The maintenance man looks at the landlord's apartment and glares. He mutters that he wishes he'd get home, and slowly sets about fixing the stairs. I comment, \"I don't like standing around in my underwear.\" Jamie laughs (embarrassed), and brags like a teenager, does an \"embarrassed shuffle\" with his body and says, \"I have 100, or actually 83 pairs of underpants that were given to me,\" like presents from admiring men. I make a sarcastic comment. (Earlier in the dream, I wondered why I left my nice house to go with Jamie. I missed my house but felt I was doing Jamie a favor. It would also save us both money. Jamie laughed and said a joke about me paying our way and I said no, \"We both pay half.\" Then I asked if it was O.K. to have Muffin Cat. Jamie said, \"Oh, I guess it's O.K. but you'll have to pay a $50 deposit)." }, { "number": "0306", "head": "02/22/81", "content": "I am ironing. My mother is talking to me. She's preparing me for a difficult counseling session. She's annoyed with me because I'm not seeming to prepare as hard or as well as I should. This session is important. It could be dangerous. Some kind of mind games with a powerful older man. I must shift my thoughts and gain access to his. I then see the word \"E K CanKar,\" a store on XXXth and XXX. Something about psychic power. I didn't know that's what the store sold. I'm now interested. Before I figured it was just weird. My cousin Abner, a cardinal, comes to the door. I see him (glass door). He pauses with his hands on the door knob and starts to cry. I am the pope and I go to him. We kneel on the porch outside the door and we say latin things and pray. I am blessing him and helping him to get through that door." }, { "number": "0307", "head": "02/23/81", "content": "I was camping somewhere. I got up and took my pills. I was talking with my mother and Dwight. I then decided to take my pills. I did so. Then I realized with panic that I had taken them twice. At first I thought, \"Oh well. I'll be O.K.,\" but the panic rose and I got up to find a phone to call doctor A. My cousin Willie laughed at me and told my mother and Dwight that I was going to call the doctor. They laughed too. I was very angry and I yelled, \"You can just fuck off.\" My mother said, \"What did I say?\" Willie or Dwight repeated it. Now I was embarrassed and angry at the same time. I tried to find a phone. I was on a street where there were lots of stores. I realized that I was in M City. I looked at people's faces hoping I might recognize people I went to high school with. I found a phone on the outside of a store. I noticed I was close to my cousin Terence's bicycle shop. I thought, \"I guess I'll drop in and say hi after I call doctor A.\" I looked in my purse for my address book. It was a loose leaf and the pages had gotten loose. I was struggling trying to find doctor A's number. A line of people were standing behind me. I saw two couples that were going together in high school and seemed to be still happy together. I said, \"I know you but I can't remember your names.\" One said, \"XXX\" and the other said, \"XXX.\" The girls said her name. I took off my sun glasses and said, \"I'm Barb Sanders.\" I took the glasses off again. I was aware of wrinkles around my eyes. They vaguely remembered me. As we were talking, I became aware that I was taking too long and so I offered the phone to the man waiting in line, if it were a quick call. He said, \"No, it's O.K. I'll wait.\" A woman started to help me find doctor A's #. I looked at her and said, \"Hey! Hi!\" I was glad to see her. I pronounce her name oddly (she was not the one I thought she was)." }, { "number": "0308", "head": "02/24/81", "content": "I am in a room with 3 other women. I'm tired. It's late at night. I sit in a woman's lap. We are wearing costumes of some kind. She has her arms around me and kisses me. She tries to \"French kiss\" me. At first, I don't let her. Then I do. It's not a French kiss, like with tongues. It's like touching the core of something. The lips, a regular kiss, were there and in the center, like in the center of a flower, was a moist, tender, very sensitive to feeling something. We touched \"cores.\" I felt slightly repelled but allowed it to happen. Something in my mind was assuring me this is O.K. It's always been forbidden but now it is O.K. and nice to do. It is important to do. She holds me in a caring way. Another woman is in a closet, sort of narrating thoughts. A slide show is happening. Lots more happened but it escapes me." }, { "number": "0309", "head": "02/24/81", "content": "Maggie and I are somewhere. On our way out, we see a table with piles of books on it. I am interested. Maggie says, \"If you're interested, you can take what you want because they were review copies sent to the newspaper.\" I get up on the table which is now a room with shelves and knick knacks on it. A man, tired, comes by and confirms that we can take what we want. They are of no use to the newspaper. I see miniature doll house furniture, a ceramic persian cat with blue flowers, glassware that is beautiful and a candy dish. I am putting the ones I want in a spot on the floor. Maggie is busy doing the same. Her daughter is with her, sitting and watching. Maggie says, \"I feel so young and happy again. It's been so long.\" Then a grouchy old lady comes by and says that there is a test we have to complete with a fee of $350 + $100. She has a small metal and glass devise. I say, \"What?\" Then I realize it's a $5 fee. I nod and go on looking at things. I say to Maggie, \"I think she'll make us pay. I wish that guy were still here.\" Maggie says, \"Don't worry about it.\" I ask her what she's found. She points to a red satin with fringe abbreviated outfit. I say, \"You sure do feel young and happy.\" I then start looking on the shelves that she's at. I see beautiful candle holders. Maggie says, \"Oh no! Those are mine.\" I grimace and say, \"Are you sure? They sure are pretty.\" I feel a little envious and then keep looking. I see a scale. I play with it. It breaks open and cookies are there. Maggie gives me a look like, \"Now see what you've done.\" I shrug innocently. \"Are those cookies?,\" I ask her. She nods yes like she's dealing with an idiot and looks over her shoulder, warning me to be quiet so her daughter won't hear. Then I feel something between my teeth. I pull at it. It's a long string of thin pork fat. I pull and pull and it keeps coming. I can taste the pork flavor. I am a little embarrassed and wish it would get out of my teeth. I look over at the daughter. She's doing the same thing, so I don't feel so bad. Finally, I get it all out. I look at things some more. I comment that the woman is still watching and ask again \"Are you sure these are free?\" I'm just sure they aren't." }, { "number": "0310", "head": "02/24/81", "content": "A group of women puppeteers come by and give a puppet show. It is fun to watch. There is a story about a little girl who went away from her parents and no one could understand why she wouldn't go back. I watch the show and then in payment, I give them my old children's books which they auction off. Ethan buys them. He asks a bunch of dumb questions about which books he has, \"And don't I have two copies of Robinson Caruso?\" I think, \"Well of course, dummy.\" I am annoyed at his snotty attitude. They were my books and I feel a tinge of regret giving them up. I look in one book and I see a film where Ethan plays a detective. I laugh and say to Ethan standing next to me, \"It's so funny. He was my director and all he can do is that one thing and that not so well, anyway.\" I pick up a book with a gold lame cloth removable cover, to adjust it. One corner, like a corner on a bottom fitted sheet, has come off. I pull it and a picture of a little girl who moves and talks is on the book. As I pull her, she's moving to the edge of the book. She says something about how nice it would be to go back to her parents, or something. I sit on the bed. It's hard to leave my books. A young boy/man grabs my arm and talks incessantly. I yell and kick my feet like a tantrum and say, \"Leave me alone. I don't want to talk to you people any more.\" Some older man pulls him away and says, \"Leave her alone, now.\"" }, { "number": "0311", "head": "02/24/81", "content": "A tall young good-looking guy is teasing me. There's an older couple and a 2 year old baby boy. We're in an old-fashioned house. I buy a pair of underpants. The young man playfully puts his hand to feel the underpants. He exclaims, \"Ooh, she has on 'seven's',\" a name brand of a sexy pair of pants that has a funnel opening where the crotch is. I'm embarrassed and tell him to shush. He and the older man tease me. They say they are going to order some \"patties,\" those are girls that come and help you in your old age. The older couple likes the room downstairs and they go to bed. I hear the baby crying upstairs. I think, \"Oh, that's how it is in an old house.\" It sounds carry. I go upstairs. The young man follows me. To the left of the stairs is a bedroom. It's like an open landing with a bed on it. I lay down. He wants to make love to me. I say, \"Why don't you call your pattie.\" He says, \"No, that's for when we're old.\" I look up at the ceiling. There are rows and rows of beautiful, old-fashioned night tables. Some have kerosene lamps on them. Some have baskets on them. They are all different sizes. I exclaim, \"How do they stay up there?!\" Why would they (the older couple), have put them up there? It seems an odd sort of thing to put on their ceiling over the bed. The young man continues to pursue. I say, \"Not here! The doors are open. If they decide to come up the stairs, we'd get caught!\" Then he starts showing me many professional photographs of brides. There are beautiful dresses and veils. One catches my eye. It's an actress from maybe the 1930's or 1940's. She's trying on a dress and her eyes glisten with tears. The dress isn't right on her and she really likes it. It's black, lacy and sexy. The young man is getting annoyed with me. He's been very persistent and I'm not paying much attention to him. Nevertheless, there is some bond between us. We laugh and like each other." }, { "number": "0312", "head": "02/25/81", "content": "I'm in some strange place, like a carnival or a party. There are lots of people. Tricks are played on me. Some of them have dangerous overtones. Some are just in bad taste. I'm in a crowd. Some man and his son are giving me an award. It's a trick cup. The milk spills out of a hole in the bottom onto the table. The son gives me one of his favorite toys, out of 4. I am with my daughter Dovre. We are on a patio. A maroon cloth thing comes out of a hole in a wall. It's a stuffed woman. Her face is set in fake interest. There is a feeling of danger. I sneak away from her. I'm in the bathroom. A woman walks in to help move things around to make it more convenient for me. However, she fixes it so that the scales are near me and the toilet paper is out of reach. I get up to pull my undies up. They are hard to pull up, like a wet bathing suit. Some men wander through and I walk around, pulling my pants up. Some people are shocked, but I feel, \"Ha! Serves 'em right if they are going to be where they aren't supposed to be.\" At one point, I need to escape. I attempt to fly. I struggle and don't get very high. There are tigers clawing up at me and I just barely stay out of their reach. Then I'm looking for a car to leave in. I'm in a parking lot. I see 2 young women/girls. I think one is Dovre. They are in a beautiful, grey, old time car. They say, \"Here, you can take this one.\" I'm very pleased. I say, \"Ooh! I can take topa or topaz? Oh, thank you.\" I stand on her running board and hug her (the car), and feel privileged." }, { "number": "0313", "head": "02/26/81", "content": "The M City house. 3 or 4 a.m. It's dark. There's going to be a party but somehow I'm not prepared. It's dark. I'm waiting for people to come. Parents don't approve." }, { "number": "0314", "head": "02/26/81", "content": "Arvonne, Maggie, and I are going to Veneta. We're on a motorcycle. We're almost out of gas. We're going to see a wheelchair basketball game. We're late, but if we hurry, whomever we're going to interview will still be there. It's getting dark. We're all three on the motorcycle. Arvonne is in front steering, I'm next using my legs to help us maintain balance. I say, \"Look for a Mobil Station. We can put in $5 worth. We don't have time to fill up both tanks.\" We see a station and pull in. A grungy old man comes out and fills up one tank. Arvonne hands me 5 one dollar bills, so I won't have to put it on the credit card, which takes more time. Then it's my turn to drive. We're on a heavy and powerful machine. As we start to go, Arvonne says, \"Wish we had time to get a beer.\" The man yells at us (as we're leaving), \"I've got something.\" We stop. We're on a dirt, woodsy road and we look up the hill at him. He's offering us cans of lethal stuff, gasoline, lighter fluid, and says, \"It has an alcohol content.\" We could get that. We look at each other, realizing he's offering us poison and politely say, \"No thank you,\" and leave. We realize a cop is near, and as we are rebels and might get stopped, we walk the motorcycle to the street without starting the engine. It's hard to do. I'm the only one with working legs. I watch the traffic so we can pull in without getting run over. We try to get the motor started and finally, it powerfully kicks over. Then I see a car stopped in front of us. Some one has hit a beautiful dog, a golden animal. I feel sorry for it. I comment that it's not ours. We go around. The road is now covered with ground up crackers and it's very hard to get up the hill! We start to lug down and spin our wheels. Some janitor is at the top of the hill cleaning up the halls of a school. We get to the halls and start to drive. A door is there. We can go out where there's barbed wire or sneak through a locked door. A woman teacher (young), hears us talking about needing to get to the summer activities. George is pointing them out and how we'll sneak through the federal door. She looks disapprovingly. I assure her we won't do that. She offers to show us how to get through the barbed wire back to the road. We carefully step over the wire. She points to a device that tracks and shoots our laser beams to deter unauthorized persons. She says, \"It doesn't work,\" and if we use caution, we can get through unhurt. I point out to her that I see a laser beam. It's slow and misses its mark. Then we sneak past it and go on." }, { "number": "0315", "head": "02/26/81", "content": "Peter M, who is not in his chair, Maggie and I are meeting to work out something about my book. He seems distant and to the point. Like, \"Let's get this business taken care of. I need to get going.\" I talk about the things I want to do with the book. Peter M seems on edge. I try to hurry so he can leave. Maggie leaves. I'm sitting on the floor leaning on big pillows. Peter M is nervously pacing. He walks up close to me, squats down to be on eye level to talk, and then bounces up again. I wanted him to stay. It begins to seem that he's drawn to me, but something is making him want to leave. As I'm talking, I look up. He's near me. I look into his eyes. They are beautiful. I look at his lips and wish he'd kiss me. We almost do. I then remember that once long ago, we were lovers for awhile. I feel very warm and want to hug him. He bounces up, saying something about his wife. I hear it but ignore it. I figure he's too good for me and he'll never like me anyway. Peter M leaves. A cleaning woman is in the room. Peter M then bounces back in. I see he has a horn case with him. I exclaim, \"Oh! Is that a French horn?\" He says, \"Yes.\" He's embarrassed. \"Oh, I'd love to hear it,\" I say. He pulls it out. I think, \"I'd like to try to play it.\" Paulina has a trumpet and I liked playing it. The sound from the horn is very pretty. I put my good ear right up to the instrument. Even then the sound is soft. I hear two notes at once and exclaim, \"How did you do that?\" He hands me the horn. I look at it. It has an ornate set of \"buttons\" like petals carved in wood or ivory. He says, \"It's old and ancient and eastern.\" His basset hound crawls on my lap and wants his tummy scratched or petted. I do it and hug him and call him a sickly hound dog. I see the word hound dog written on a paper. Then Peter M says, \"I have a gift for you.\" He hands me a jar with lots of little compartments. I see papers and things. I open the first part of the jar. I'm feeling very surprised and pleased. He watches me. It's a paper. I read it. It's a series of notes. It starts out as a note from a registrar to him about his needing to add or drop a class. There are then a series of notes by him answered by someone else. I see the name Barb and think, \"That's probably his wife.\" I don't understand the significance of this paper but I want to because it's a gift to me. I open the next gift. I see a series of potholders. I say, \"Oh how nice. I can use these.\" I then exclaim, \"Oh, it's miniature. I can put it in the miniature house we've been building.\" I then see there are lots of miniature things like a stove, and a laundry hamper with clothes in it. I peek under the clothes and see peanuts. My brother Dwight is hovering near by. I want him to go away because this is a special moment with Peter M. I say, \"Oh, they are a lot of miniatures and things for the house! How silly of me not to connect that when I first saw them.\" Then Peter M, whose eyes tell me he cares for me but is slightly turned away from me, says in an anguished voice, \"You have about 19 things you need to do in Dover. How are you going to manage it?\" He meant I have many creative things to do and how can I support myself and do them too? I feel warmth because he cares. I say, \"I don't know. I'll just do it somehow. I've got some ideas. I'm working on it.\" He looks at me. I think, \"How sweet.\" He wants to offer to take care of me, financially, and be with me so he and I can do these creative things. Then I say, \"This summer, Maggie and I are going to do a book. She's a photographer (he grimaces because he is too), and we'll do a picture/story book.\" I sense he'd like to do that with me. Dwight is still hanging around and I really want him to leave! Then, I look at his next gift. It's a beautiful paint set, brushes, luxurious, colored bristles. I thank him. He's standing again, getting ready to leave. I say, \"I'll bet you're getting bored because I'm taking so long to look at your gifts.\" He doesn't really answer. He's about ready to leave. I want him to stay and he wants to stay." }, { "number": "0316", "head": "02/26/81", "content": "Johanna comes home from work. I have on a clown suit. I put a second clown suit on. I go to the door to greet her. She's tired and doesn't really appreciate my joke of a clown suit on a clown suit. There are gifts for her. She's talking about her students today. Her husband Matt is asking questions about who was there. She's grumpy and gets sharp with him and accuses him of sending some of his students to her. He claims innocence. I listen. Matt is opening the gifts. One is a big box with a puppet inside. Matt says, \"It's George Washington.\" I look closer and I say, \"George Washington with six guns?\" He's got red hair (long, ponytail), a white suit (like Col. Sanders), and a pair of six guns strapped around him. I look and see his name is \"The Chicken\" or \"Genesis.\" I say, \"Oh, what fun. It's a computer program game. Can I play it?\" Johanna mutters, \"Oh, I always get those.\" She's doing the dishes and reaches over to start the game. I push a button to set the balls (like pool balls). Eggs come out, a dozen of them. They come out too fast and some are broken. A yolk goes slithering by me. I exclaim, \"Oh no.\" Johanna finally looks and says, \"What happened?\" I explain. I'm a little embarrassed. Ronald Reagan comes and sits down with us. He's very interested in things about the west. I explain that this is a computer program. I show him a book about \"Little Chicken,\" a notorious western person." }, { "number": "0317", "head": "02/26/81", "content": "I have a check out stand, for groceries and things. Ethan is talking to me. He likes me. As we talk, my cash register starts malfunctioning. It rings up 55 cents too many times. A long line forms of customers as I try to get the machine to work. Ethan is smiling and talking to me and I'm trying to pay attention to him and also take care of the customers. Finally I decide to write up the stuff by hand. My \"bagger,\" a young girl, complains when I tell her to assist. Then I decide to borrow an adding machine from another stand. I do and everything's O.K. [BL]" }, { "number": "0318", "head": "02/26/81", "content": "I'm sitting at a table, listening to a woman cry about how alone she is. This affects an overweight young woman wearing a low lacy sweater with a blue skirt and white blouse. She starts crying. I say, \"Ah, she's affected too.\" She gets up and walks all the way around the table to come and kneel next to me to hug me and cry into my lap. I call her Princess. I think, \"Maybe she doesn't realize that when it's my turn, my stomach gets queazy and I have to go to the bathroom.\"" }, { "number": "0319", "head": "02/27/81", "content": "My father is driving, Mabel is sitting next to him. Howard and I are with them in a VW bus. I have a painful boil on my leg. It hurts. I want the pain to go away. I'm waiting for us to get to our destination so Howard can lance the boil and remove the pain. I think to myself, \"I don't have to wait for him to do it. Why am I waiting? I can do it myself and get rid of the pain.\" Mabel is trying to soothe the feelings between Howard and me (I'm the only one in the back seat). I'm angry, grumpy and sad. She says something soothing like, \"Give it a chance.\" I say, \"There is no chance. Howard is a sickie, an emotional sickie.\" We pass a camping area. A man and a young girl are talking. I hear her say, \"I killed her. The other girl and I killed her.\" I see small camp spots with steep boat ramps to the water. There is no place to stretch out and relax, just space to put the car and boat. I see a stream that's rusty colored and polluted. My father comes to a crossroad, a \"T.\" He's going to turn left. The car is too far out into the intersection. 3 vehicles go by, very close, ready to hit us. I flinch as they go by. The 3rd one honks." }, { "number": "0320", "head": "02/27/81", "content": "I'm moving to Dover. I feel sad about leaving my house. I can't figure out why I have done it. I'm moving into an apartment that is next to Rosemary's. Our windows face each other. I want to be next to Rosemary but it's only a one bedroom, a small apartment. I have to leave my pool table and other things at me house in E City. Rosemary and I go for a walk. We're near downtown Dover. We're walking on the freeway across the river. I ask if there are any grocery stores near the apt. She shows me a book store. I enjoy the book store." }, { "number": "0321", "head": "02/27/81", "content": "I'm on a staircase. I see a man coming in the house. I am sneaking backward up the stairs hoping he doesn't see me. He does. I think, \"It's the light reflected off my eyes.\" As he comes toward me, I feel pent up anger and I explode. I start yelling. I tell him off, but well. I am getting ready to be in a play and the crew and Ethan, the director, has grudgingly helped me and I'm sick and tired of it. They offer to carry me down the stairs and row me across the river to get to the stage. I refuse their help, angrily. I'm yelling, calling them names and hitting at them. Ginny is in the background. She's afraid and watching me. I snarl, \"Just stay away from me. I'll do it myself.\" I know I'm going to use all my energy just getting to the play and getting ready and I probably won't have anything left to perform with. Then I think, \"It'll hurt but by God, I'll do it.\" I push them aside and walk angrily down the stairs. I see where the boat should be waiting to row me. They aren't there. I walk through the tunnel under the river. I finally reach the stairs on the other side. I go up the stairs. I'm pulling hair pins out of my hair. I get to the top of the stairs. Ethan comes out. He's placating me, apologizing. I glare at him and yell some more. I'm opening a mirror to put on my stage makeup. One eyebrow is put on the wrong place. The other one keeps smudging. Ethan says to me, \"My daughter had a dream about a jury. What can it mean?\" I say, \"You idiot! She is the jury and the judge!\" He says, \"But what does it mean?\" \"It means,\" I speak slowly and witheringly, \"that she is feeling guilt. She is sitting in judgement of herself.\" He sits back and looks sad and guilty. He's aware that he's partially at fault." }, { "number": "0322", "head": "02/27/81", "content": "I'm back in history. The knights in shining armor. I'm an outsider and I'm being chased by the palace guards. The Queen mother wants me dead because her son likes me. I'm running up some stairs, and a herd of guards are after me. I run into a cell-like room and I'm trapped. Seconds before they find me, I hide up on a beam near the ceiling. They look for me and then assume I fell to my death as it's a tower room. The Queen is there. Now I hide and peek and sneak around so they don't find me. I hear voices and run down a flight of stairs. Then I hear more voices coming up the stairs. I hide in a cupboard. It's the changing of the guard and a group of soldiers are coming by me. The officer in charge looks into the cupboard but they don't see me. Then I listen to their instructions of who will guard what so I'll know where not to be. There are 2 guards at each of the 2 doors on the top, or the 4th floor. 2 guards at each end of the 4 doors on the 3rd floor, etc. They leave. Then I see a gaggle of young women. One of them is going to be engaged to the prince. The Queen mother has chosen her. She's unhappy because she's sure he doesn't love her. He still is forlorn because he loves me. Then there's an engagement party. Her parents, a King and Queen come. The King wears a black toga with a red scarf or roses on it. She has an ornate head dress, like the one in Alice in Wonderland. The King is plump and annoyed. He doesn't want the match. Then I see a picture of black men in Africa. I think, \"Oh that's another story in this book,\" (I see a book). I hear a narration. The picture is a ragged line of black men, one has only one leg. They are in the fields and are shooting rifles. \"They don't know it but they are encountering Jedi warriors,\" the narration goes. \"It's the first battle of the war.\" I see them freeze-frame and they are all dying, like a firing squad line. One turns a backward somersault from the force of the impact of all the bullets." }, { "number": "0323", "head": "02/28/81", "content": "I want to go to my bedroom. I'm at a rich and swanky party. I'm told to push a button. I do. The buttons are apples and other fruits. When I push an apple, a bed of red cabbage with cole-slaw stuffing rolls comes out. A woman says, \"Oh, good, I don't have to stay in bed all the time. I get so tired of staying in bed day and night.\"" }, { "number": "0324", "head": "02/28/81", "content": "A man wants me to walk with him. He says he's got a pretty weird family. He lives in a grave yard. I start to walk up some stairs. He's walking on air, on the outside of the stairs. I look and his feet are melting into the stair at each step. I say, \"Who do I hear talking?\" He says, \"It's me.\" I say, \"No, I hear someone on the other side of me.\" I get a feeling there's an invisible person on my left side." }, { "number": "0325", "head": "03/01/81", "content": "I am a member of a committee. I've been doing lots of extra time getting 4 different areas documented so we can make a report. A man then takes over and says he'll report on the ones I've already worked on and I can start work on some other areas. I am fed up, angry at him. I say, \"Look. I've already worked on 4 of these. I have no interest in working on these others.\" He sighs and glares, and I start to feel guilty. But then my feeling is, \"No, I've done more than my share and I'm not going to do other people's work.\" I say, \"He and I can share our reports we did on the same area.\" He says, \"No. It will be one or the other.\" He leaves. I try to get the committee members to agree on a time when we'll meet next. No one helps. They leave. I look around. There are tons of things left out that someone needs to put away or our work will be destroyed by uncaring vandals. I'm the only one left to do it. Now I'm really angry and I feel put upon. I start to pick things up, boxes and newspapers, and I see that the job is too much. I hesitate and waver between feelings of, \"Well, I'll just leave it,\" to, \"I can't just leave it.\" I decide it's too big for one person to do and so I leave it." }, { "number": "0326", "head": "03/02/81", "content": "I go to a hotel check in desk. I say to the male clerk, \"I want to make reservations here and also at the retreat up in the mountains.\" He is quite frosty and says, \"We have no vacancy.\" I say, \"I wish to go to the mountain retreat first and then come back here to rest during the week.\" \"Ah,\" he says. \"Very well.\" He starts to write up my reservations. A young woman/girl comes up to me. She used to be a client and starts talking to me. I say to her, \"I'm here for a rest and I really don't want to hear you right now.\" She doesn't like that and sighs. She sneaks in the comment that that is O.K., even if she is going to get married to her step-father, who is a really mean man, and even though she really needs to talk to me. I feel guilty and caught all at the same time. I want alone time but it's obvious she is going to talk to me. I give in. I then do some role-playing with her. I point out how she drops eye contact and turns her body away from me. She says, \"Oh, that's very interesting.\" The clerk suggests that we crash the party and if it gets wild, he'll put his hand over his rosebud boutonniere and I'll adjust my rosebud corsage. That will mean we will meet at the car. I ask him to show me the gesture so I'll recognize the signal. He does it. I see his hand is brown, small and pudgy, child like. I repeat the instructions and hope I don't forget. We go to the party. I'm wearing a long formal gown and I have one high heeled shoe on and one off. I walk on tiptoes with the right foot and hope no one notices my missing shoe. There is a buffet table. Lots of high class snotty women. I'm dishing up food into my plate. A tooth with a feather on it falls out of my mouth onto the table. I am embarrassed. I say nonchalantly, \"Oh, pardon,\" very French-like and classy. I pick it up. It reminds me of an engagement ring. I feel the empty place with my tongue. I realize there had been another one that fell out sometime earlier." }, { "number": "0327", "head": "03/02/81", "content": "It's somebody's wedding. I'm going to sing a duet with the bride because she's nervous and doesn't want to do it alone. There's a crowd like at a movie theatre. I go out to get a cup of coffee. As I'm going back in, I hear her singing the duet alone. I remember the word \"Jean.\" It's her name. I feel badly and I try to get there for her. The crowd gets in the way. I realize that she's doing O.K." }, { "number": "0328", "head": "03/02/81", "content": "I'm on land, near a large body of water, the ocean I think. We are abandoning the land. Each of us (family), I think dive into the water. A man and I are in a capsule that protects us from the pressure and gives oxygen so we can breathe. The man is from the depths of the water. I am a little afraid, but feel safe with the man. We go many miles to the very depth of this vast ocean. I see the color red and then it would go away. There is a city of structures down there. I note that it's easy to be down there because it's not crowded. My \"father\" tells me to wear a pretty blue dress. He doesn't really tell me so much as we both agree that I should look pretty and sexy to help the man. I then sit on the man's lap. The man sees my dress and puts his finger where a gap is between buttons near my breast. My \"father\" says, \"Oh, is he spoiling it all?,\" meaning we had planned that to look sexy and he's sort of looking at it objectively, like it's an error. I watch the man's face and feel comfort and I say, \"No, it's all right.\" Then I see a girl. She has mime make-up on. She comes near us and says, \"Well, where's the middle-aged man I'm supposed to recreate the joys of sex with?\" The man hears and I'm embarrassed. I tell her to go away. I can handle this myself. I look at the man. I hope he's not offended at our crude way of trying to help him. He is startled and then pleased. I feel he is attracted to me. Suddenly he looks concerned. He looks around. I feel danger. A woman \"sister\" and several other persons are near by. He says firmly, \"Everyone get back into the 'ship' at once. If you don't come at once, you'll be dead.\" Something has set a device to blow up. The sister turns to pull a switch. It is to be the last little \"straightening up\" or finishing of her work and then she'll join us, but she gets a look of confusion and terror on her face because now she has to finish a sequence. She can't let go and it will be too late. She smiles weakly and tells us to go on. I don't want to abandon her. I encourage her and the others to drop what they are doing at once. One other does. She can't. She's trapped in this sequence. We get in the ship and back away from danger." }, { "number": "0329", "head": "03/04/81", "content": "I'm a prisoner. I'm chained in a line with others. Our chains are a large slice of whole wheat bread. We are encased in it and have to eat a hole out of it to breathe and see where we're going. Together we all make up a loaf of bread. We walk around. I can only see a little bit so I have to be very quick and good at staying on my feet and moving around obstacles. If I fall, then I'll just be dragged around by the others, most painful. The British guard sees how well I'm doing. He calls me \"Andrew\" and puts me at the head of the line. I am challenged and want to show how good I am at this. I call out orders to the others and in precision, we go up and down stairs and duck obstacles. Later, I'm walking in a park (free of bread). I see Sylvester the Cat. I call to him. He is nervous. He comes over to be petted and then goes on his way. I walk on. I look for a bathroom. I find one. The door isn't there so I get a poster, and write a message to Howard and tape it to cover the door area. I see raspberries and packages of perfume in the toilet. I look at the package. It's a pretty, naked woman with long flowing hair and flowers coming out of her navel. I look across the street. I see \"Liberace\" and call him \"Finn\" I say, \"Hey, are these yours?\" He says, \"They are.\" He's working in a store and makes pies. He has a pot belly and steals these things and hides them. He tells me that he must have loved his first wife because he married her." }, { "number": "0330", "head": "03/04/81", "content": "I'm in a house, getting ready to go home. Howard is there. He wants to kiss me and go home with me. I want to be nice to him but I don't want him back. If I'm nice to him, he'll move right in. I feel trapped. Then, Curtis of Nighthawks comes in. He doesn't pay a lot of attention to me. He stands near me. I say, \"I know you.\" He says, \"I don't know you.\" I say, \"Of course. I like your music.\" \"Ya?,\" he says. \"Did you buy my album?\" I say, \"No, not yet,\" and explain why not. He starts to dance. It's very complicated. I recognize it as a dance I saw on T.V. and join in. He's very pleased and impressed that I can do it. We dance. We draw closer. I am sexually attracted to him and I'm feeling anger. He responds to me. I draw him toward the bedroom. He stops and says, \"I want to make love, but not now, not here. Let's wait a few days.\" I get angrier. He's just trying to reject me. He doesn't really like me. I walk away and try to sneak out so he'll miss me and never know where to find me. He runs after me and apologizes. He gives me reasons why he wanted to wait that are logical (no contraceptives, wants it to be nicer place, etc.), and says he's sorry he should have let me know that he liked me. He just doesn't know how to express it very well. I forgive him. It's hard to wait." }, { "number": "0331", "head": "03/05/81", "content": "I am cooking some party nibbles for the women in my book. They are coming over. I'm trying to clean the house which is a big mess seconds before they're to be there. There are packages and packages of raw hamburger they have brought as food. I suddenly decide to make sweet and sour meatballs. I go to the kitchen to cook. Only one or two of the whole group come and I smell rotting hamburger." }, { "number": "0332", "head": "03/05/81", "content": "I'm in a swimming pool. Ginny and I are swimming. I stay near the edge. People keep getting in my way. They cling to the edge too and once I had to swim around them. As get to the shallow end, I walk, limping. I notice they have removed all the water from the pool. Also I see a bunch of older people walk by. They are being led to the children's wading pool. One old guy's bare butt shows like he is wearing a hospital gown. The water is all gone because they clean it and return it at half-time. The water starts to come back in. As it does, a cage or screening drops over the pool and we are turned full circles. At the point where I'm upside down, with the water rolling in over me, is very frightening. It's akin to carnival rides. It happens several times. Then it's swim time again. A boy comes to me, holding a soggy pair of ear muffs he has found in the pool. He is deaf. I tell him to take it to the lifeguard. At first I shout, forming my words carefully. Then I try finger spelling. He takes them to his mom, also deaf. She takes them to her husband (a counselor at a conference I met and also a friend of Rachel's, an ex-priest, now married). He is deaf also. I painstakingly finger spell, wishing I had learned sign language because it must be frustrating for him to have to converse so slowly. He holds the ear muffs up to the crowd and tries to speak. He has a voice, but he sounds deaf. Everyone in the pool shuts up and is embarrassed. I intervene and scold them for being insensitive and fearful and ignorant about disabilities. I then can't remember the sign for \"B.\" I ask someone, Ginny or Bonnie. He then signs, \"We'll do the alphabet together so we know we're using the same signs.\" His hand is small and his fingers are also deformed; nonetheless, we both can make the signs. Then a girl in my class leaves the pool. Her boyfriend is harassing her. I follow and intervene. The boyfriend (Rosemary's Cory), is being very obnoxious and verbally threatening. I tell him to leave." }, { "number": "0333", "head": "03/05/81", "content": "I'm building a fire in a fireplace. The floor in the living room is a mess, wood, sawdust, papers, etc. I put it in the fireplace. I get a fire going. It's snowing outside. I'm proud that I got the fire going when no one's around to rescue me if I blow it. Smoke comes out into the room. I fix that. The fire starts to die out. I pull several old logs from previous fires. They still have coals, red hot, and help get this fire burning. I notice it's nearing 8 o'clock. I'm supposed to be back at work for the evening shift. I don't want to leave. I excuse myself because it's snowing. I feel like I'm playing hookey. I go out for more wood. My bathroom is in another building. It's a long walk." }, { "number": "0334", "head": "03/06/81", "content": "I'm in my house, only it's M City or someplace isolated. It's late at night and I'm alone. I lock all the doors. I put the cats out. I have a feeling of deep foreboding. I feel afraid. I get to my bedroom, and step outside to look. There is an airport across the way, a county airport. I see a plane coming in for a landing. It crashes into something or explodes. I feel sick because I am witnessing an awful thing. I see it explode and I see the flames. I say, \"Oh no!\" It crashes into places and buildings and people on the airport ground. I run into my bedroom. Now I'm asleep in my bed feeling the fear of what I had witnessed. I'm trying to wake up. I have to wake up because the awfulness of the crash has affected the girls/women at the airport. They are coming to my house. I try to turn on the light on my bed. It won't go on. I feel this is sinister. I grope for a flashlight. It rolls and nearly falls off the headboard. I catch it just as it almost falls. I am so afraid it's a terror, a nightmare. I turn it on. A weak light shines. I try to get up and I fall out of bed. I know something is very wrong. I get back in bed. I get out of bed. I look out the window. I must call the police. I get the phone. It's a wall phone. It's dead. I look and the women are swarming all around me, like zombies or crazies. They moan and cry out, \"Don't let the police catch you.\" A policeman comes to the door. He picks me up to take me over to the airport. I am paralyzed with fear. I don't know who to trust. Then I hit out at the policeman. I knock his head off. It doesn't matter. He's carrying me away. Then I'm trying to wake up and write the dream down. I see myself writing the dream down (It was hard to wake up. It's an awful feeling)." }, { "number": "0335", "head": "03/06/81", "content": "I'm in bed with Gordon (co-worker). We are lying there, clothed, talking about clients and work. I look out the window and see a boy who is turning in to a duck. He is growing soft white down on his chest. I am intrigued by this boy. He's been abandoned. I reach out and touch the downy softness. I ask him to come into the house. We'll examine him and take care of him. A couple of VR counselors come in. One is Paul Simon. I am attracted to him and vice versa. I am now on the periphery of the group. I go outside and sit down. Paul comes out with 3 copies of the VR class report on the boy. I start to read it. A tall guy, a friend of Paul's comes over. He's my boyfriend. He sits near me. Paul goes in the house and sits in the upstairs window and looks longingly down at me. I look longingly up at him. We silently agree to go away. The tall guy leaves for a minute. Paul and I sneak off. Wherever we go, this tall guy appears. We even go to different time periods. In one time period, I complain about the locked in lot of women. The tall guy appears as a boxer. I keep wanting to read the case report. Paul decides to take me home to his house. We have to sneak in because his parents would misunderstand and think we just wanted to go to bed. Paul leaves me at the front door and sneaks around to the back. The father comes out and finds a baby at the door step. I am in full view but he doesn't see me. I'm lying on my back, hiding. The father pulls some clothes, adult women size, out of a hamper for the baby. He then massages the mother's neck to placate her. He's taking care of her so she won't throw the baby out." }, { "number": "0336", "head": "03/06/81", "content": "Mabel comes over to my house. She's going out on a date the next night and wants to borrow a blouse or a sweater as I always have nice things to wear. She wants to look special. I look around in my closet and find pretty, white, soft, translucent blouses. She tries them on. She can't decide which one. I find her a blue skirt. Then she tries on a pair of shorts and a pink blouse with a bow at the neck. I say, \"Oh, you aren't going to wear that are you?\" Then I find her a pretty blue dress. We both agree that it will look very nice." }, { "number": "0337", "head": "03/06/81", "content": "I don't remember images but I remember a feeling of \"trying on different emotions to assist me to relate to men.\" I can't seem to find the right one." }, { "number": "0338", "head": "03/07/81", "content": "Howard comes back. We get married again. I can't figure out why I did it. It feels wrong. Howard and I are going to the coast for our honeymoon. He says, \"We'll talk.\" He says he's a very unhappy man, 13 unhappy marriages. First to me, then to Karen, and then to me again. He tries to commit suicide in the ocean. He comes back. He wants us to go down to the ocean and play. I say, \"No, let's sit on the sand right here and talk.\" He keeps pulling away and wanting to go do something. I say, \"Wait. I'm feeling really frustrated. This is what happened before. You won't open up. I just want to feel close. I want to feel emotion. You feel so cold and distant.\" Then I say, \"Ya, I know. I do it too. I'm afraid, but let's try this time.\" He can't. I feel sad and relieved." }, { "number": "0339", "head": "03/07/81", "content": "I'm driving a friend down Centennial Loop. I'm describing the way so she'll know how to get around on her own. We pay over several bridges. They are monuments to Elvis Presley of Memphis. I see a blue and white 55 Chevy convertible in perfect shape. Then we're walking across the bridge. There are thousands of scrapbooks with interesting stories in them, stories of women who had stirring psychic events. I then stop reading them. I say, \"I don't believe it. If it had happened to so many, then I would have felt it too.\" I then see my mother. She is flying. She does a dance on the top of a street light. I then decide to fly too. I do so. I go up to her. We're up at the height of the telephone wires. I say to her, \"Let's go higher.\" She says, \"Ha! This is hard work, just to get this high.\" I worry about suddenly losing the power to fly if I go higher, then it will really hurt if I fall. I see a line of people like in a carnival stage. We go closer to see. The women are mostly naked. One person is invisible. We go closer and discover that it is a man, fully dressed in a brown suit and tie. The reason no one can see him is because of a light that goes on and off behind him. He comes over to us and says, \"Fix the food.\" We ask, \"What kind of food?\" He says, \"You know the usual, African food.\" My mother and I grow pretty white wings and fly across the street. With the wings, I feel secure now and not afraid of falling. I am delighted at their beauty and how cleverly they tuck in when they're not in use, so no one sees them. I fly up to a guy and ask him where the food is so we can prepare a meal. His eyes widen as he sees my wings. I'm fluttering them effortlessly to maintain my stillness in mid-air. My mother and I start to set the table, in mid-air." }, { "number": "0340", "head": "03/08/81", "content": "I'm packing to go to M City to visit my parents. I have things in 3 different places so it's all confusing to me. I have stuff at my school dorm room, at the house in M City (remodeled), and at a third place. Ginny drives me from place to place. I'm trying to remember all the important things like my book that I'm writing, some clothes, and my toothbrush. When I'm at the M City house, I see it's all changed. The bathroom's been moved up stairs and the stairs are hard to walk up. Ginny helps me. I get up there. Jake, with a bald head but young, is standing in the shower part of the bathroom. He's angry. I think he's been sent there as a punishment. I ask him to leave for a minute. I try to sit on the toilet, but a potty trainer device is on it and it's very uncomfortable. I admire the size of the room and its new pink color. I then go get in my beat up red pickup truck (like Dwight's), and drive to the dorm to get my toothbrush. I look in the mail box and wonder why I don't get as much mail as I used to as a teenager. I think, \"It's getting late and dark, and it's a long drive and I still have to stop somewhere to get a hamburger.\" I suggest to Ginny (mom) that we drive caravan, but she wants to go on because I'm taking too long. I feel frustrated and inept. She commiserates with me. It's because of the remodeling that I can't easily find the things I want to take with me. Then, I'm looking at a tennis match. I think, \"I can play tennis.\" I get out there and miss a serve and make another mistake. The officials then look at the ball. It's been doctored so it's an unfair match. The officials call the game and bring this information to everyone's attention. The women's team is upset and angry. Someone says, \"Rematch, only with a fair ball.\" I take the challenge. I go to the official and say, \"Give me a good ball.\" She says, \"Do you want a standard one, or will you make your own?\" I decide to make my own. I shape it out of pink gooey stuff. 4 big guys are on the men's side waiting. I feel tense and sure of myself. Then, as I make the ball, I feel unsure and scared. I decide not to chance making my own. I say, \"Give me a good standard ball, then there's no question about its weight.\" I then see an \"instant\" replay of the decision about the unfair ball. As I watch, a man with a camera comes close up to my face. I feel like crying because of the injustice of an unfair ball. As the tears start to flow, he starts to take a picture. He's encouraging me to cry. \"Come on honey, that's it.\" I feel exploited and turn to him, with an angry face and yell, \"Just what do you think you're doing?!\" I then go out on the court and take the 4 men on one at a time. I'm good. I beat them. They are very surprised (I wake up because I hear an odd voice in my mind saying, \"Knock, knock, knock, knock.\" I thought someone was in the room or outside my door until I woke up)." }, { "number": "0341", "head": "03/08/81", "content": "I had 2 other dreams last night but no images or recollections from them. I remember thinking, \"Uh oh, now I'm hiding them.\"" }, { "number": "0342", "head": "03/08/81", "content": "I'm driving and I keep taking the wrong turns. At first, I end up on a dirt road beside the highway, on the right. I come to a stop and realize I have to back up. I tell the female passenger to watch on the right side so I don't go over the edge into the river. I watch the left side so I don't hit a 3' wall. She turns to me and says, \"I think you'd better watch this side. I don't want us to go off into the river.\" I kind of look at her like, \"Woo, what a slow brain.\" I back up, and get back on the highway. Then I take a left side road and I'm really frustrated now. All this is taking time and I just want to get on with my journey. I pound my steering wheel and say, \"Damn it!\" We are on a one way narrow road that spirals down and down and down. I am aware that if I had been quick enough just before the spiral started, I could have taken a left road that would have got me back on the highway easier. I feel like it's \"one of those days,\" nothing goes right. We end up in a room. An older woman, the captain of a ferry boat, comes over. I ask her how to get back up to the highway. She says, \"The only way to do that is to take my ferry and it will cost.\" There are 3 ferry rides between here and central (state). I realize we are far below the highway, perhaps deep in the river already. I see it rushing past and wonder how you start a ferry ride when you're under water to start with. I think, \"This woman is just trying to get money out of me.\" I ask her, \"Well, how do you get back on the highway? Do you go clear to central (state) first and turn and go back?\" She smiles and says, \"No, I take route XXX.\" I look on my map, figuring I'll take that route. I can't find it, so I give up and pay for the ferry ride." }, { "number": "0343", "head": "03/09/81", "content": "I am directing, acting in a play. It's at a conference and the parents are the audience. I'm a teacher and the rest of the actors are students. I don't know my lines. Other actors come 10 minutes late and miss their scenes. I keep whispering asides to the other actors. I feel really embarrassed. At one point, I walk out and say, \"Well, since we're waiting for one of the actresses to show up, we'll get on with the conference. The parents applaud that idea. They are obviously bored with us. Then I'm off-stage. A dog is trying to get a can/bottle opener out of my purse and I fight him and make him leave. Then the rest of the cast shows up and rather than disappoint them, we continue with the show. The parents, a few of them seated way in the back, are bored. My back is to the audience. I can't remember lines. At one point, I'm adlibbing and I ask, \"So you're going on vacation, eh?\" The girl looks at me agonizingly and says, \"I don't know.\" So I continued, \"Where are you going and how?\" She gulps, pauses, and says, \"I'd rather not talk about it now.\" We just drop the rest of that scene. By now, the parents are stirring, talking, and showing each other pictures of their children (in the play). An exercising class comes on stage and uses the left half of the stage. Then the next scene begins. I see cute decorations for scenery and feel proud of my students. I comment an aside to one that I didn't even give directions for scenery and yet they did such a good job, on their own. I think we're doing a murder mystery. A \"policeman,\" my cousin Lenny sits on my right. I am an \"old woman,\" Vera. Lots of people come to the table. I'm reading my prop book to find the lines I can't remember. I have to share it with the \"policeman.\" Ginny/Lydia on my left helps me look for lines. I see an article for tropical poisonous fish. It is an awful experience. I just want it to end. The parents start applauding. They had seen actors coming into the scene and they thought it was curtain call, or hoped it was, anyway!" }, { "number": "0344", "head": "03/10/81", "content": "I'm asleep on my tummy in a one room apartment. It's night. Ginny comes in and she's just arrived from San Francisco. She lays down on top of me and hugs me. I'm really glad she's back. I am aware of tenderness and sexual excitement. She slides her arms around my breasts. I feel repelled and then decide I want her. I turn. She takes her clothes off. I lay on top of her and feel exquisite tenderness, love and sexual desire. We caress and kiss one another. I am making love to her. I want her to feel good. Her enjoyment heightens my enjoyment. It's all in the first tentative stages, desire and need are strong, and then something stops it, or it just stops and I'm feeling the cats jump on the bed and curling up to sleep. I sense her 2 boys in the background somewhere (I wake up amazed at how real all of that felt)." }, { "number": "0345", "head": "03/10/81", "content": "I'm with Aunt Naomi and Uncle Gus. There's a volcano going to erupt. Uncle Gus wants to go see it, but I don't. I feel scared. There are children, half grown, and several boys who have grown beards. One has a girl with him. He says, \"I never knew what anything meant until I met her, and now I'm alive.\" We're high on a mountain peak. Uncle Gus takes us down to the flat lands. He shows us a fancy yacht he gets to drive. I look closely. I say, \"Oh, isn't it on fire? Are those flames coming out of it?\" Uncle Gus runs to look. My \"dad\" is watching the flames. Uncle Gus is sad now. Then I feel the volcano starting to erupt. I run back toward the mountain peak house, calling for my daughters to hurry. I find Dovre and Paulina, but Ellie is in the shower being stubborn, unaware of the danger. I call insistently. She comes out. We run and run. Then the \"children\" are climbing up a cathedral-like thing and the statues of angels and Mary break in the earthquake and fall and kill some of the children. My daughter is safe. A little boy is not. He dies. I sorrowfully pick up a little angel statue and cry out at the awfulness of the children dying by these statues. A jeep pulls up. 2 men are in it. One is a bearded \"son\" and his friend. They are drunk. I tell the friend. He doesn't want to believe the boy died. He asks, \"But there were 2 groups of children, he was in the group that was safe, eh?\" I sadly said, \"No.\" The bearded man cried out in anguish and sorrow. With no child, there is no reason to live. He rails against the religious figures that killed his son." }, { "number": "0346", "head": "03/11/81", "content": "I'm at Aunt Elaine's house. I am getting married to her son Terence. The problem is somehow we're alike. He has a rack of clothes just like mine, dresses, bra, etc. They are actually prettier than mine. I knock some off the rack as I walk by. I'm embarrassed and pick them up. He's at the table already. It's a party to celebrate our forthcoming marriage. I feel very unsure and keep saying, \"You don't want to do this. Let's call it off.\" Terence assures me that he will be fine and care for me properly when we're married. I'm given a glass of milk. I see a crack in the glass. I fiddle with it and it breaks; the whole glass shatters into square pieces. The milk spills out and is soaked up into the table cloth. My \"dad\" seated on my left frowns. My \"mom\" seated across from me, next to Terence, looks surprised. I leave the table to get a replacement. I go to the kitchen with Aunt Elaine. I see her kitchen curtains. They are like mine, so I wonder if that's where I got them. I'm writing in my appointment book. Someone named KLU is written 3 times in the afternoon for lunch. She's coming from back east. Someone else wants to make an appointment at that time. I start to erase KLU. Someone says \"No,\" and I write O.K. on another day. I feel uncomfortable marrying Terence, because somehow \"we are the same\" and I'm concerned that he doesn't care about me." }, { "number": "0347", "head": "03/11/81", "content": "I'm at the top of a waterfall or a rush of turbulent water. As I'm careening down, the water becomes a freeway, crowded with other cars. I'm out of control and I can only hope that as I merge into oncoming traffic, I don't hit anybody. I do manage by luck, not skill, to merge successfully. I am in the left hand lane (the fast lane). I must get over to the right lane to make an exit. I barely manage to do that. As I start to make a right turn to get on the road I think I want, I find myself being pulled backwards down another road that goes to the left. It's like a track (like in a Walt Disney fun ride), has hooked onto my van. I'm being taken for a ride. I have no control. I'm sitting behind the driver's seat; the van is going backwards and I can't see clearly where we're going. I'm alone and concerned that our van will crash into something. As I realize that I'm in a truck, I semi-relax, put my feet up and lean back. I watch traffic the van narrowly misses. The van is going fast. I get where I'm going and now I'm in my wheelchair. I'm going to visit Rhonda's acting class. It's a reunion now that I've made it big in Hollywood. I see Ronnie (a student). She says, \"Oh! It's you. How are you?\" I'm somebody important now." }, { "number": "0348", "head": "03/12/81", "content": "I'm in a small school auditorium or cafeteria. We are all looking for pictures for when my mother was 5 or 6 years old. My father points to a picture of when I'm (looks like Lydia), a baby and says, \"Maybe keep that one because you look like her.\" I see another picture, a \"graduation\" picture. A crowd of people are in a semi-circle. I see myself, right in the center of the curve. I'm wearing a blazer jacket, shorts or a short skirt and furry knee boots. I note that my legs are pretty good looking. I see a man near me that I feel warm about. I look at the legs of another girl. Her legs are skinny with large knobby knees. I think, \"Oh, how could she wear a short skirt. Isn't she embarrassed?\" Then I look at a letter written by high school boyfriend Nate, only the name \"Julian\" is on the envelope. I decide not to read it because I didn't like him. Up on the stage, are puppets, little dogs, and one is playing the drums. There is a scrap book that is fur lined. I feel it. It's very soft and nice. The room is crowded. I'm laying on top of a round table. \"Dad\" is somewhere near. A guy comes in. I wave my book at him and say, \"Come join us.\" He says, \"No, I'm Mark, the Home Ec. teacher, and I came in here to tell you that our class starts in a few minutes. I'm going to be a hard nose about it and insist you leave.\" I say, \"Well, I'm here for a math class. We started at noon.\" People start leaving. He looks at the book in my hand and says, \"Oh! Dreams. Not me! They are too intelligent!\" I say, \"Because they tell you so much about yourself?\" He says, \"Too much!\" I shrug my shoulders. He's not got the right attitude. I want to learn everything. I see a book in his hand. It has a picture of a building. I say, \"Oh! I've been there. I've seen that building. Where is it?\" It is white, stone and ornate, with many carved 'gargoyles' and lions on it, iron ornate fences, etc., one story long. A woman looks at it and asks what the book is about. He says, \"Architecture.\" I think the building is in another state. He says, \"It's an agriculture building.\" He then says, \"It's written by a rheumatoid. I say, \"Ya, a lot of them write books. I'm going to, too.\" I go to a shelf of books like in a library and look at them." }, { "number": "0349", "head": "03/12/81", "content": "I'm a \"soda jerk.\" Lots of people are crowded in. They are all singing because the boss, a good-looking young man is. I mouth the words because he is watching, and then I just stop. I don't want to sing, even if I lose my job. A plump man comes to my left and asks me to please tell him what the 4th of July is like. He looks at me like, \"Don't laugh, I'm serious.\" I feel like laughing, after all, everyone knows what 4th of July is like. Then I think, \"Maybe he's a foreigner or something.\" I glance over at my boss who's watching and take the time from my job to explain to him. \"It's when families get together and go off to parks or camping. Some fish, some hike, and some hunt. Then I remember, \"Oh, lots of food and other families go to the city park and watch fireworks.\" I realize that I should have told him that first because that's the more American traditional way. My boss stands by me and indicates I should be working." }, { "number": "0350", "head": "03/12/81", "content": "I'm in a department store, looking for the cigarettes, a carton of Salems. The store has been remodeled. I can't find them. I am holding a carton of cigs, the carton is bright red and the cigs are not Salems, so I keep looking. I see a display case with \"novelty\" cigs; they are Salems. One jar is full of fat candy cigarettes with chocolate tips. Another has cigars, fat, with a \"fringe\" on it. I decide to take the candy cigs because the regular ones can't be found and they are better than nothing. Then Ginny brings me some of hers, the real kind." }, { "number": "0351", "head": "03/12/81", "content": "I'm at a beach. A big wave is rolling over people. A woman. I see high tide and then low tide." }, { "number": "0352", "head": "03/13/81", "content": "Two high school girls are walking back to their pickup truck. It's at night, so the girls are worried. I'm one of the girls. As we near the truck, I feel a sense of foreboding. Men are near by and they will rape us if they get their hands on us. As we get near the truck, I show my girlfriend and say, \"Run!\" I'm fumbling for my keys. She's ahead of me so I shove her and yell, \"Lock the door, quickly.\" She is incredibly slow. Two men are in the pickup bed coming for the door. I scramble over her and reach for the back button. Just as I hit the button, the man in a red cap grabs the door handle. It's a tussle. I'm nearly paralyzed with fear. I get the door locked and now I have to roll up the window. I barely get it closed. They're trying to force the door open. I turn on the ignition and gun the motor. I try to shake them off. They hang on and get into the pickup bed. I careen around the streets to shake them off. I suddenly stop because there's a fallen tree across the road, with its branches strewn around. I back up and turn around. I finally get rid of the rapists but I must hurry back home to safety. Now the roads are snowy. The pickup truck is now a tape recorder we're pushing up the hill. Other cars are in our way. One skids out of control. I have to gun the motor and try to get around. I feel my friend gasp and say, \"Oh! Be careful.\" I make it, and then I'm aware that to gun my motor too much will be hazardous, and I'll spin my wheels to no avail. With tricky driving, I am making it up the hill. Sometime I reach out to a clothes rack full of clothes on the right side of the road to pull myself along. Then I'm in a \"boxcar\" thinking and I'm talking to a \"brother.\" One of us has to go out there and get to safety. Now I'm the brother and my sister tells me to go out there. I say sarcastically, \"Thanks a lot!\" She tells me why it's me that should go out there; it's something about protecting her." }, { "number": "0353", "head": "03/13/81", "content": "Someone is going to write on a chalkboard. He has the chalk so therefore he's in charge of that segment. I don't want him to be. I ask him if he's in charge or not. He won't answer. I get annoyed." }, { "number": "0354", "head": "03/13/81", "content": "I'm at a dressing table. Kotex pads are strewn around. There is menstrual blood on the sleeves of my robe. I try to cover it with my hand. I clean up my dressing table/desk. Co-workers Josh and Pat, and other counselors come in. Someone puts music on. They dance. I get up and say, \"Very interesting. I can do that. Let me show you.\" I scurry them off. The music is slow and sad. I dance by using my arms to gesture and by not moving my feet very much. I do, however, manage a toe stand once or twice. It's a very sad and moving dance. After, I go sit down in an easy chair. I see a big box with lots of birds flying around in it. I notice it has nothing on the front to keep the birds in. At first, the birds stay in, and then the baby quail scurries out. A big owl is standing near by and starts to dive for the baby quail. I jump up and yell. A cat goes for the baby quail. I push it away. Several of the women counselors come over and complement me on my dance. Then a man comes behind me as I'm sitting in this high backed winged chair. He has mistaken me for his wife. He calls me by her name. He wants me to come home. I tell him that he's mistaken. He won't believe me. I tell him to be careful of the swordfish that's on top of the box with the birds. I notice it has no sword and I wonder if I've misnamed it. He ignores the diversion and pursues me. He's middle-aged and pudgy. I keep pushing him away. He hugs me and pleads. I am aware that Pat is upstairs. She played the music for my dance." }, { "number": "0355", "head": "03/13/81", "content": "A royal family. Something about a separation at a young age, many travels through different lands. Holland is represented by wooden shoe-shaped pick up beds that held tulips. I searched for the prince. I looked in a movie house. I saw him and hid behind a curtain. I thought I was the one they tried to kill. Then I crossed a border and found the two I'd been separated from since they were babies. Even though they were grown now, I held one and cooed it as if he were a baby. He was embarrassed but tolerated it." }, { "number": "0356", "head": "03/14/81", "content": "I'm going to a party. I'm going with a man much younger than myself. His mom is going to drive us to the party. She does not approve. I feel a little silly. He says, \"Don't worry, when she's left, we'll have a good time.\" She watches us. As we near the house where the party is, I hear talk about a boy that deliberately does things improperly to get attention. He's always getting in trouble. I think, \"Oh, he'll grow up.\" I see people arriving for the party, uni house kids. They have presents and food. I am empty-handed. I feel embarrassed for that and also because I'm older than they and so I feel out of place." }, { "number": "0357", "head": "03/14/81", "content": "A man like Raul is going to be in a play, he and his friend. Ginny and I are in the audience. We're dating the men. Ginny leaves the room for a moment. I sit in something like a church pew. 2 older women, loud talkers and criticizers, sit next to me and behind me. I am embarrassed. I tell them, \"Hey, these kids are doing the best they can.\" The play has a large cast and I'm in the very front row. The play happens in front of me and off to my right. The chorus line is dancing with huge oxygen tanks. Then the play is over. I'm sitting in grandma Agnes' living room. It's like a reception for the cast. Ginny has come back just at the ending of the play and she has squeezed in between me and the noisy lady. The lady is annoyed but I point out to her that it was our bench first. Raul comes out and sits on a couch next to me. We talk about the play. I look out an open window and see a multi-colored baby flamingo bird sneaking in. I say, \"Oh! So that is a flamingo?\" Raul looks and says, \"Oh ya, I guess so.\" He's not too interested. I encourage it to come in. There are 2. They both come in and I shut the window before they can escape. My mother has been waiting a long time. She'll be happy. I tell my father, \"Hey, the flamingos are here.\" He says, \"Oh, let them go, she hasn't got the bookcases that were going to go with it.\" I say, \"No! She really wants this. She can arrange them differently if something isn't here.\" He shrugs his shoulders. Then Andrea comes up all aglow and says, \"Barb, thanks so much for the card,\" and goes on to thank others for their gifts. I shrug it off; it doesn't matter. I feel glad that she thanked me but embarrassed that it is only a card." }, { "number": "0358", "head": "03/14/81", "content": "A man gets out of prison. He's walking around and he sees me. I am longingly looking at a motorcycle. It's a creamy brown color. He walks up to me and says, \"Oh ya?\" meaning little ol' you is interested in riding this powerful motorcycle? I just smile and walk away. He says, \"You wait over there. I'll get you a motorcycle.\" I sit on a couch across the ornate hotel lobby room from a huge log fire. The flames are white. There is a small log fire with white flames on the couch next to me. I warm myself on it. I am tired, so I nod off for awhile as he goes to get me a motorcycle. A man comes by and puts a note in my hand. I am aware of it, even though I'm asleep. A couple loom large on my left, watching and then they leave. The man with a motorcycle comes. I am pleased and happy. I get on the seat behind him. I ask him where I should sit and, \"How do I place my feet so I'll be safe?\" He instructs me. I put my arms around him and lay my hands on the handle bars with his. He removes my hands and puts them on his chest. I think that makes sense; it could be dangerous with both of us in control. I think, \"Later, I'll sit in front and drive and he can ride.\" I enjoy the sensual pleasure of curling around him as we ride along. It's like I \"have to\" put my arms around him for my safety, not that I'm putting my arms around him for pleasure and therefore I could enjoy the pleasure." }, { "number": "0359", "head": "03/15/81", "content": "I'm in a class. Ethan is the teacher. In order to pass, I have to learn to shoot a rifle, drink Section 8 juice and jog. I'm back in M City. There's a male bully that challenges me. I get a new angle for my left angle, RA leaves, I jog to build up muscle tone. The Section 8 juice is light cider with a couple teaspoons of Section 9, which is hard cider. I practice hard. At the last day of class, I shoot a perfect bull's eye with a pump rifle and then with a 30-30. I drink twice as much Section 8 as anyone else. Everyone is amazed at my prowess. I'm proud. I wake up with the words \"And the light follows.\" Oh, I just remembered that as I was practicing jogging, I ran past the old house in M City. It had been removed so that there was space and light for a small, cute, cozy apartment for an old lady. As I ran by, I peeked in the windows. There was no kitchen, because someone else did her cooking. I saw a pretty Afghan, multi-colored, and a rocking chair, a single bed, with lots of lovely windows. I thought, \"Well, when she dies, they can put in a kitchen so the unit will be reusable.\" [BL]" }, { "number": "0360", "head": "03/16/81", "content": "My parents have a house. They've added a room. I'm admiring the kitchen and pantry." }, { "number": "0361", "head": "03/16/81", "content": "I'm going to go see cousin Terence. He's on the sixth floor. I pass a bed that's outside. It's raining. Willie and Dan bring a bedspread to cover their blankets when it rains. I ask them, \"Is the bedspread waterproof so the blankets won't get mildew?\" They don't really answer us and I pat it to see. It's raining heavily. It's a blue wool Indian blanket. I go in the house and look for the elevator. There are two. A man falls out of the one on the right. He'd gotten sick in there, so I get into the one on the left. I look for the button for 6th floor. I don't see it. I call out to 2 men and ask them to help me. I say, \"Could you do it? My hands are very weak.\" They look at each other like, \"Oh no! A pigeon!\" I get nervous. One gets in my elevator and stands to my left. The other gets in the other elevator which is open to mine now. I know they are going to hurt me because I said I'm weak. I see a pile of crutches and canes. I push #6 button and run over and pick up my cane. As they lunge for me, I fight them off with my cane. I escape out of the elevator but it's only for the second floor. It takes courage but I get back on the elevator because it's too much pain/energy to walk up the stairs. The men are gone. I get to the 6th floor. Terence and his bride are off in their bedroom sleeping, on an extended honeymoon. A \"hippie\" guy comes to the door and asks to speak to Terence. I tell him, \"Terence is unavailable because he's on his honeymoon.\" The guy is quite upset. I call Terence. Terence comes out, walks over to him, and says, \"Listen, you little fucker, leave me alone. I don't like you.\" Other relatives are shocked that he talks this way. I am wearing a bride's dress and veil. I raise my eyebrow and speak in a clear voice. Everyone is impressed with me. They know I'm angry and Terence's going to get in trouble. I walk up to Terence and say, \"Would you be kind enough to step into the library for a moment?\" He does so. It's like a dad calling his son on the carpet. I put my hands behind my back and pace back and forth and lecture him. \"You will never, I said never, call anyone a 'fucker' again. You will be honest and polite.\" I then role-play with him on how to tell the guy that he doesn't like him and how to ask for him to go away assertively. He listens gravely and practices his role-play." }, { "number": "0362", "head": "03/18/81", "content": "I'm in N City visiting Aunt Elaine's. We go through town. I am getting married, or have a boyfriend. We find a boyfriend for my younger \"sister.\" We go \"home.\" \"Mom and dad\" are leaving on a trip, leaving the house to my sister and me. I open a drawer to get something for them and a small hidden drawer falls out. It's very old. I look in it. I see a spider. I quickly take the drawer to a sink and turn on the water to drown the spider. It changes into a miniature man. I am still trying to drown it. I almost succeed. He looks quite blue. I try to swish him. He avoids me and rolls on a log. I stop trying to kill him. I say to him, \"This is 1981.\" I say the # slowly because I want to trick him into showing surprise if he is very old. He does. I expect him to tell me he's 1800's, but he says somewhere in the 6th to the 10th century. He changes into a light bulb and rolls all over me like something with static electricity. He says, \"You'll never get rid of the light now. I'll be with you everywhere you go.\" I feel pleased and also aware that it will take an understanding man to have a relationship with, he'll have to tolerate my \"light.\" I take off a pair of fancy hose. I talking to a man named Jim, who thinks I'm great even with my light." }, { "number": "0363", "head": "03/19/81", "content": "I'm at a Sunday night church gathering. I'm thinking, \"I haven't done this in years.\" It's crowded. A drunk man next to me whispers, \"Reproductive organs.\" I good naturedly tell him to shut up. I see a big sign that says \"Brothers, Jesus...\" Later someone, a male, says he has to take part of my reproductive system out. I just play with my nipples and enjoy it, i.e. I have an orgasm. I look at him and say, \"I can't do that. I would feel embarrassed that I would have to go to orgasm with people watching.\" A girl whispers, \"You can do it.\"" }, { "number": "0364", "head": "03/21/81", "content": "I'm in a school room like in Jr. high. I'm sitting at a desk. A man sits on my right. I am trying to sell a trumpet. It's very short and has no \"slide.\" The man and I talk about how this one is harder to play and older than most trumpets. I don't want to give it up. I go to the door of the classroom to see if Muffin Cat is around. I come back to my desk. Someone else is sitting there, another man. I know him. I walk up behind him and massage his shoulders. Larry R is sitting to my left. He is whiny and asks my assistance. He's holding a round glass that has a \"face\" drawn on it, like on the Kool-aid pitcher. He wants me to place his fingers so that it is in the place where the mouth is drawn. I do so. I'm annoyed at him. I chat with the 2 men. I like them. They like me." }, { "number": "0365", "head": "03/21/81", "content": "Something about traveling in India. I see 3 photographs, one is of me. A light shines behind mine." }, { "number": "0366", "head": "03/21/81", "content": "Ginny walks up to me. She says, \"Well, how about it? You and I have been this way for 41 years now. Are we going to admit it?\" I shake my head no and then feel embarrassed for her, because she had brought up the sensitive issue of sexual feelings and I turned her down. I smile at her gently to convey that I still like her and I won't leave her because she has brought it up." }, { "number": "0367", "head": "03/22/81", "content": "I had 2 dreams that I don't remember any images of." }, { "number": "0368", "head": "03/22/81", "content": "A St. Bernard. He and I are lying together cuddling. He's being very tender and protective. I felt a slight concern that this not turn sexual." }, { "number": "0369", "head": "03/22/81", "content": "I'm the captain of a ship and I have a crew, a man and a woman. We are going to display the ship. I find a place to moor it in this huge building. It used to be a stove. There is snow on the sidewalk to the indented place I have the ship. I tell my crew to remove the snow so people can walk there with ease. Then I see there's no water where I have the ship and the space is only 2 or 3 feet deep. I am concerned that the ship won't stay upright, so I order water in. It comes rushing in. Then I order the trailer with a wheel off the bottom of the ship. It goes away. I feel very buoyed up by the water. It's like riding a balloon. I'm then in consultation with 2 of my crew. One has invented a captain's chair that moves through the air at any angle with ease. He's going to demonstrate it and lecture about it. Then I see some cats. I greet them affectionately. They are mine. I had been around when they were born. I then see 3 black and white half-grown cats. I call them to me. I want to get to know them because I had been gone when they were born. We start to make friends but they are shy. A robust older man, who reminds me of the St. Bernard, comes over. He's worked out a captain's chair also. He shows me his plans. He has an ornate set of directions with it, like a crossword puzzle combined with a jigsaw puzzle. He sees the black and white cats and greets them lovingly. He calls them \"my darlings.\" He says, \"Have you met them yet?\" I say, \"I'm in the process of meeting them.\" I feel a little jealous of his good relationship with them. He is interested in the fact that my crew has also invented a chair. I call my crew member over. He's obstinate, proud, and only partially clothed. He displays the chair like he's a male model, somewhat cold. Then I decide the chair has some \"bugs\" in the design and needs working on. I then am discussing the use of balloons as condoms. I see lots of people blowing up balloons to put in the vagina. I feel nervous because I can't figure out how that would prevent pregnancy and I've told people that the balloon works. I then realize that the balloon needs to be on the penis. Then I have 2 worries: l.) Balloons are not very sturdy and might break. Real condoms are made for that purpose, and 2.) The opening of a balloon is small and might be painful for the man. A man shows me a how wide the balloon opening stretches so I feel relieved about that. I realize that many people now have the balloons. I sold them to people and I'm worried that I might have given them a bad product. One woman shrugs and says, \"Well, we'll know if it works in about 5 months.\" I feel badly because by then, it would be too late to correct anything." }, { "number": "0370", "head": "03/23/81", "content": "I am crying. I'm in an apartment. I am talking to my counselor. He is very sympathetic. As we talk, I feel sad because I want him to be my friend, not just my counselor. I think I'm very sad about Howard and other relationships. Anyway, the counselor (who looks like Dr. X), tells me he's married. Then he shows me pictures of some friends of his. Blake is one. I exclaim, \"Oh! I know him.\" Them I see a picture of Darryl. I am amazed. I ask, \"Is he your friend too? I know him well. He and I were going to be married, only I married Howard.\" Dr. X says, \"Oh! Darryl is my boss.\" I exclaim, \"Your boss! What does he do?\" \"Oh,\" says Dr. X, \"he fixes cars and he's very good. He fixes foreign cars.\" I am amazed and have pleasant nostalgia feelings about Darryl and I feel sad because I've lost him. Then a woman comes in. She's crying. She's Dr. X's friend. She has terminal cancer. She has come in to help me understand. She says, \"It's a good thing Dr. X is single so they can be friends.\" It's l:30 a.m. My mother calls. She says that the doctors say Aunt Charlotte is going to have a \"specific exam.\" \"What can that mean?\" She doesn't like it. I say, \"Well, of course she'll have a specific exam if she's got cancer.\" My mother says, \"Shut up,\" and hangs up on me. I feel badly for 2 reasons. I said the word cancer in front of this lady who is dying of it, and I was too open, non-caring and insensitive with my mother. I hurt her feelings and wasn't helpful. The woman cries. There's now another woman and a daughter, maybe 13 years old or so. Dr. X assists her to calm down. I am sitting on a cot. The woman lays down on the cot and Dr. X starts undressing her. He talks soothingly as he takes off her corset and girdle and other layers of underwear. She lays there crying slightly. The 13 year old takes off her clothes and lays down beside the woman. The girl pinches her pretty young half-grown breast. Her mom takes her hand away and says, \"You did it too deep.\" Dr.X says, \"See, it's like this.\" He palpates the woman's breast, looking for bumps. \"I don't feel one here,\" he says. I see scars and wrinkles on the woman's body. I get up to leave. I want to stay but I must go home to see if my mother's alright. I still feel badly about my insensitivity. I get in the car and drive. I get lost. I'm tired and sleepy. I realize that I'm running away from the warm and sexy feelings back at the apartment. I accidentally turn onto a railroad track. A train is coming up behind me. I duck off the tracks, just in time. An older man looks at me. I say, \"Guess I took the wrong turn.\" He shrugs. I ask, \"What do you think my chances are to go back the way I came?\" He said, \"Late at night they don't come as often, so you might make it.\" Then he asks if I think my car can make it up the hilly pasture. I decide to try it, feeling unsure. I feel an urgency to get back to the apartment. I berate myself for leaving. It's just like me to run from a good thing. I go back. Dr. X is still there. I take off my clothes and get in bed with him. He says, \"You left before we could explain that what we did was a demonstration of a man being a friend to a woman.\" I want to make love to him. He's all skinny and shivering from the cold. He looks blue or greenish and clutches the covers around him. I grab him and at first it appears that I'm trying to put his whole body in my vagina, head first. I'm saying, \"Get in there.\" I then see that I'm trying to help him back in bed as he's slipped out. He has a comic look of dismay on his face. I feel angry. Then Dr. X leaves. I've discovered that he's not really a counselor but an excellent con artist who is good enough to be a counselor but does it for kicks. He hears crying in a room as he passes. He peeks in. A fat woman is crying. There are 4 women nearly naked. Dr. X (now looks like Peter O'Toole), looks interested in the situation. He very soothingly goes to the women and starts counseling them. As he subtly gains their confidence, he edges into the bed with them and lays his head on the pillow which is the huge bra of the fat woman. He smiles like a Cheshire cat. His arms are behind his head and one knee is crossed over the other, very relaxed and happy. The women cry out that a man had offered to make love to them and they'd just found out he was a fairy. Now they won't be able to have babies, which is why they were going to all this work of making love. He was \"balling them blind\" and he lied! They've been had and used. Dr. X smiles because he's got the answer and he'll love every minute of it." }, { "number": "0371", "head": "03/24/81", "content": "I am angry at Terence because I asked him to get something for me and he teased me. I glare at him and don't talk to him. He says, \"Come over here with me.\" I refuse. He picks me up. He says with a grin, \"You'll get over it. We're pre-ordained to be married.\" I am angry and say, \"Not ever!\" He takes me into a hall with a series of doors and we get to a room. A \"recording\" of some kind speaks of the future and says Terence and I will be married. I refuse to speak to Terence and he laughs because he knows that all he has to do is wait. Then someone's after us. We go into the men's room to hide. I sit up on the edge of the toilet with my feet up and head down, coiled. Terence stands, leaning over me so no one sees me. Men come in. At first, I'm worried and then I figure, \"Well, I guess I haven't anything to worry about because of the future already predicted.\" Terence goes out. I have to wait. As I wait, a man sits in the next stall and starts chatting with me. I answer back in grunts and single syllable words in as low a voice as I can manage. At one point, I have to talk a full sentence. He looks over suspiciously. He says, \"Hey, you talk like a man but you're wearing women's dress. I think fast and say, \"Boy, you should have been at the party last night. I just woke up here, dressed like this!\" He accepts that. Some other man is bringing a father and his son together in another stall." }, { "number": "0372", "head": "03/25/81", "content": "I'm a wealthy older woman. I run an adoption agency/hospital. Right off my fancy bedroom is a huge hospital ward. People come to me carrying little babies that were just born. I inspect them and decide what's to be done with them. There are lots of people that are always around me. I have a baseball team. They come over for a dinner. One player is very good-looking, young and sexy. He is also very aloof. He can have anyone he wants and he knows it. I guess he's spoiled. I am attracted to him. I watch him. He watches me. I decide to drive him home after dinner. I do so. There is sexual tension and antagonism between us. We verbally tease each other. We get to his place. There are young women there, waiting for him. I realize I'm too old for him and I hesitate. I then decide I want him and decide to risk being rejected or laughed at by him. I walk to my car. He runs after me. I say, \"Leave me alone.\" He grabs my keys. I try to lock the doors. He pulls the locks up. Finally, I look up at him and smile and he gets into the car. I drive him to my place. We go in. A woman is laying in my bed. She's visiting someone, so the guy and I are going to find someplace else. Then a young woman that works for me is there. I watch her. She is given a new born baby to inspect. She looks it over. It looks fine. It's very pretty baby girl. She looks at the chart. She reads off things, then she sees a word, \"amphetamines\" or \"antihistamines.\" I'm not sure which. She figures, \"Uh oh, that's bad but maybe it's not too bad. Maybe the baby can be kept.\" I walk up and look at the baby and the chart. I point to the word and say, \"This baby has a heart condition and can't be kept. The other woman is very sad. As I hold the baby, it starts to turn blue and distorts its body. It is dying of a heart attack. I feel pretty matter-of-fact. The other woman feels very sad. Now I am the visiting women in the bed. I'm trying to sleep and lots of people walk through. I try to ignore them. An older man walks by (he's married to the older woman/me). He looks at me in the bed, waves in a cheerful, friendly manner and says, \"Hey, XXX, how's it going?\" I think to myself, \"Boy, that's pretty tolerant for a husband to be so friendly to a guy in his wife's bed. The husband even called him 'son' and meant that he loved him like a son.\"" }, { "number": "0373", "head": "03/25/81", "content": "I'm at the house in M City. My father is having guests from India. They come and set up a \"circus tent\" like awnings on the lawn. I am invited to take my father's place on an elephant hunt. I laugh and say, \"Elephants? Here in M City?\" The Indian person says, \"Oh, yes. There are some.\" I'm given a light-weight rifle, maybe a .22. This boisterous military-like guy flirts with me and wants me to be on his jeep. I choose not to. I get on another jeep. There is some kind of racial or cultural unrest. The white people are staring at the Indians and are quite sure they are inferior. I feel fine about the Indians and chide the white people and feel embarrassed when the Indians hear it. Now the whole thing turns into a play. I'm on stage doing a comedic dance. The story is that this man and this woman go to the Philippines to get married. On the day of their wedding, they go sunning on the beach and get a terrible sun burn, so when they dance, they move very stiltedly being careful not to touch anything. The audience laughs at our funny dance. At the end of it, we walk \"nearly arm-in-arm,\" only not touching, down the stairs into the audience. I'm wearing a white 2 piece bathing suit. Then I quickly run back stage to change for the marriage scene. I wear a beautiful wedding dress and veil. The joke is that we're still sun burned, so it won't be much fun on the wedding night. There is an elaborate dance scene where the white people in groups would watch a \"phillipine\" do something (like hold a job, bake a cake, etc.) and cry out in unison the questions, \"A phillippine???\" I danced around trying to shut them up. One group of women were shocked that a woman \"philippine\" could do what she did. The next sequence, I'm standing off stage singing an intro for a guy who'll play the piano in the audience. I sing and then someone hits the piano note I should be on. I was down one key. I feel a quick flash of embarrassment but continue. The piano guy really flubs up. He forgets his words, and he's near tears. He then tries valiantly to be cool about it. I coach him from off-stage. He follows my lead. Then he asks me to come sit by him and sing for him. I go there but only sing in a whisper so he can hear the words and then can sing them. He does so. Then I'm playing the part of a villain who wraps up a paper package with a straight pin with a colored round pin head on it stuck in the package. That pin was the fuse for the bomb. When the guy shut the piano top so he could drive his \"jeep\" around, it would strike the pin and then blow up. I crept about obviously and the audience loved it. The piano guy isn't too happy as he is getting blown up. I realize the play is reaching its finale and I was disappointed that I'd have to take my curtain call in the unflattering guise of a spy and villain instead of the lovely bride." }, { "number": "0374", "head": "03/26/81", "content": "I'm walking down a school hallway. I'm talking with some student associates. I'm getting ready to teach a career planning class. I start looking for a bathroom. I can't find one. I see a person (male), in a wheelchair. He's asking for some assistance. The person he's asking is also in a wheelchair, but not as bad off. I am cheerful. I say, \"Can I help?\" I go over and adjust his legs on to the foot petals. I ask him if there's any thing more he needs. He's shy and seems to need something but I don't understand. I fuss about for awhile. Then I go looking for a bathroom. The way to it is blocked, so I decide to go to my class. I walk in on Jolene's class. Then I find my own class room. Everyone is working very hard and industriously. I look on the blackboard. Written up there are the daily assignments. I see a calculator-like device with finger holds like a telephone and a \"letter reader\" device. The front flap folds up over the letters and you can see through the slots. I compliment the class on how well they've been studying unsupervised. I apologize for being a few weeks late. They smile happily at the compliment. I sit on a table in the middle, right of the room. A voice is heard. \"Sam,\" it said. A woman student says \"Who else wants to bet it's Henry?\" I am pleased that the class is so on the ball. Then a scene unfolds like a film. Black women are somehow scary, or wrongfully accused, or something. I decide to drive my VW Bus out of the class room. I'm concerned about blocking the view of the film for students but I do it anyway. I'm concerned about not making the sharp corners to get out of the room." }, { "number": "0375", "head": "03/26/81", "content": "Something about Lee (from Uni house) and lots of objects in a river/bathtub. The water is being let out so these important objects can be looked at and then the water rises again." }, { "number": "0376", "head": "03/27/81", "content": "I'm in an old fashioned house, thinking I need a roommate to meet expenses. My mother and a guy come in to be roommates. I remember this guy. I don't trust him. As we prepare to lie down to sleep, I keep one eye open on him. He tweaks me a couple of times. I decide to throw him out like Muffin Cat when he's bad. I put him out on a tree limb. The guy doesn't like that. I test him. \"No problem, just be invisible.\" He's not convinced. I decide I want a washing machine. I check the basement and see 2 of them. We comment, \"How nice. Now we can get all those towels done.\" It's time for the guy (now Bill Cosby), to go play in a basketball game. He's nervous. I tell him not to worry. \"Just stay invisible.\" As we're driving to the gym, the guy as a joke brings me a card that indicates a general is wanted by the police because she's moving when she has a parking permit. I laugh at the joke. We get to the gym. Bill Cosby is nervous. He needs to put his head in a wooden frame that looks like a basketball holder. Some big guy has the table with the holders on it. I tell Bill to be invisible. Bill does, and then he puts his head in a holder on another table and turns and twists around. The guy, I'm near him and watching, sees the holder thump around and his eyes get wide and he's scared. I laugh at his fear of \"spooks.\" I watch Bill go out on the floor. I try to sneak away unseen but the announcer, an older man, sees me and calls me to the microphone. I hope my mother doesn't find out." }, { "number": "0377", "head": "03/27/81", "content": "A series of images. A 1950's dress. This house, 1950's, negative. Fear." }, { "number": "0378", "head": "03/27/81", "content": "A play. Stan has asked me to recreate my role. \"This time play it for real, and use a more realistic voice.\" I don't like playing an older, mature woman. I'm amazed that Stan wants me in his play. In the play, I see two guys that love each other. One guy has golden curls and he's called \"Betty girl\"." }, { "number": "0379", "head": "03/27/81", "content": "Blake stands facing me. There are paper clips and lights on strings between us. As Blake moves, a force pushes the metal things. I must run. I get into a black race car and drive rapidly away. I am running from Blake. He's following. I'm on a freeway that spirals and turns this way and that. I keep choosing roads that curve to the left because that takes me away from Blake. I get out into the country and find a special retreat of mine, a friend's house. I drive my car in and hide the car in a basement hall. I run up stairs to check the doors to see that they are locked. Safety pins are the locks. The house appears deserted. Old fashioned furniture, very few pieces and old lace curtains. Fallen leaves are all over the yard. I go back downstairs and check the doors and windows. A black out curtain is over the windows. I feel Blake outside. I sit very quietly. 2 other young women are there. One makes some noise that draws Blake's attention. I try to stop her. I explain that he's dangerous." }, { "number": "0380", "head": "03/28/81", "content": "Image. \"Alone.\" \"California.\" I'm tired of being alone." }, { "number": "0381", "head": "03/28/81", "content": "An ocean. Thirstiness." }, { "number": "0382", "head": "03/28/81", "content": "I am weaving. I'm in the woods. One pattern is a plaid. Lots of white yarn, lots of green yarn and a few red strings of yarn are drawn through. The second pattern is more swirling and moves quickly. There's lots of green. I weave a beautiful dress. I am a witch that lives in this distant forest. A man, a prince, comes to me. I see that he is wounded. He wears a bandage around his left upper thigh. Something about the man reminds me of Howard. I give him something to drink and say, \"Here, let me look to that wound.\" He doesn't want me to help him. I start taking the bandage off. I unwind it many times. I find a square gauze patch on the back of his leg. Then I see transparent tape running down his leg to his knee. I say, \"Here, I'll take this tape off.\" He says, \"Can't you leave me any pride?\" I smile at his stubbornness." }, { "number": "0383", "head": "03/29/81", "content": "Arthur and I got back together. We were lying in bed talking and caressing, feeling close." }, { "number": "0384", "head": "03/29/81", "content": "Rosemary comes back to town. She walks in and sits on a couch. I sit next to her. She says, \"Where were you? Why didn't you meet me? I waited for over an hour and then had to find a way here.\" I apologize and say, \"I thought you still had your car and would meet me here.\" I feel slightly guilty for not thinking more about her situation, as she got left in a bind. She leans back and says, \"Oh! I've been to a Jungian conference for 5 days. I'm exhausted. It's like learning a new language.\" Another woman comes up and chats. I explain to her why Rosemary's so tired." }, { "number": "0385", "head": "03/29/81", "content": "I'm rehearsing a funny play or skit. Some security officers are in it with me. Some woman complains because I always seem to be in the security office and questions this. We obviously explain that we're working. We get a phone call from a girl \"Tammy.\" She's threatening and playing games with us. We're a little caught in the game. She'll scream over the phone and be silent. We know she's playing a game but we have to go check it out anyway just in case. We sigh and feel frustrated." }, { "number": "0386", "head": "03/29/81", "content": "I'm in an office. My typewriter and adding machine aren't working correctly. I hit a button and it compulsively, mechanically repeats itself. I take the ailing machines to be fixed. Someone says, \"The adding machine is fine and the typewriter will work most of the time.\" Some students come in. It's the end of the term and they're late with their papers. I realize that I am too. Andrea is also. We're at a meeting to discuss the lateness of the papers and if it will be accepted. A prim and proper female supervisor presides over the meeting. As she drones on, Andrea and I whisper. Andrea says she doesn't want to be here. She's bored; she has more important things to do. I agree. The disapproving supervisor asks what was said. I blithely say, \"Oh, we were just saying how we don't want to be here.\" She frowns and I vaguely realize that she could take that remark in a negative way; I am just being honest and open about my feelings. I shrug my shoulders. Andrea and I whisper some more. I want to talk to Andrea but I don't want any more disapproval from the supervisor. I suggest to Andrea that we talk about it at another time. She suggests Tuesday. I say, \"Today?\" She says, \"No, next week. Isn't next week O.K.?\" I had told her this week, but I agreed that next Tuesday would be fine. I say, \"I'll get something to sit on.\" \"No,\" she says, \"I'll get one for you.\" I misunderstand her word, something about \"tarrer.\" It's a foam pad to lay on at the beach, so I don't hurt. The students, one female, one male (Mark H) are in the background. The girl is looking at birds and trying to name them. Mark H says, \"I've got a new place to stay now.\" We see it as if a movie camera is mounted on a helicopter. At first, we are impressed. There are so many lovely windows and so large, very handsome. Then at a closer look, there's tar paper where the windows are." }, { "number": "0387", "head": "03/30/81", "content": "I'm in my wheelchair. A male instructor comes up to me and asks if I've been to the late evening sessions behind the stage. I say, \"Not yet but I've heard they are interesting.\" He mentions one coming up, \"Issack\" or something. I say, \"O.K., great! I'll be there.\" He leaves, all smiles. I'm sitting on the left hand corner in the back of an audience waiting for the show to start. Rosemary is behind me. She has 2 women friends with her. She's being very bossy. She'd see a situation and tell people what they need to do and where they need to sit, etc. I'm embarrassed. As the show starts, she moves away from me, like she's embarrassed for me. The show is set up like a three-ring circus. We applaud when they set up drums near our side. \"Oh good,\" I say, \"now I can see. I was worried.\" I say, \"Oh! Are those the drums? They are huge!\" They're so big, the performers sit in them. Many performers come out, a huge black man, and a huge black woman with 6 breasts. The \"star,\" a young man with dark hair says, \"Now there's a woman! Hey, big mama!\" I am amazed. 2 older white guys sit down to sing an old folk tune. A woman sitting on my right sings with them. They sing very softly so they can assist her to sing. She's embarrassed and can't remember all the words. I'm a little envious. I'd like to sing too but I don't know the song. The performers throw gifts out to the audience. I catch a bunch of small Hershey bars. I pass them out to others, Rosemary, my \"daughter,\" and others. Then I catch some spearmint gum and pass them out, keeping one for myself. I've become the contact person in my area of the audience. I look in my purse and separate all my little presents into one section. I have necklace chains that have static electricity in them, little earrings, one shaped like false teeth, little costume jewelry pins, candy canes and some other stuff. A young black boy hands out an outfit for a 13 month old baby. I hold it up to my daughter. \"Will it fit?\" She says, \"I think it will.\" I question it. I decide it doesn't and give it back to the boy. He says, \"Hang it on the Xmas tree and someone else will want it.\" I feel like I'd like to keep it but that it wouldn't be fair to others. I think about having a garage sale and selling the things I don't want to keep." }, { "number": "0388", "head": "04/01/81", "content": "I am walking across a busy city street. A man starts talking. We enjoy talking. He comes home with me. Muffin Cat goes around releasing emotional outbursts. Cousin Willie has negotiated to work more hours so he and his wife can afford a house. At first, I don't think he's put on too much extra, but I figure up the hours and see that he'll work 10 hours more a week. 5 weeks a month. I'm now on a street corner saying goodbye to my friend. We keep saying goodbye and then not leaving. We say, \"Oh, we had such a nice time, thanks.\" He mentions the name of a friend of his in NYC, Rizzo's. He spells his name for me. I write it down incorrectly, Terano. I get the T in the wrong place and then I spell it twice. It's all a last minute notion, to get his name. I think, \"Oh. It might be a good idea after all. I might be pregnant and I need to get hold of him.\" Then I remember that I couldn't be pregnant, we didn't make love. Finally I say, \"Goodbye,\" and turn and walk away. I start to cross a street. A blonde, pretty woman in a fancy silver grey car is part way into the intersection. I think about walking around her and then the light changes to green and she drives on. It's a corner in M City. I decide not to cross the street. I walk down the street. On the left is a store front. It's a cop station. I see 4 or 5 cops (male), standing around. I casually look in as I walk by and I'm stunned to see a picture of my friend as a newspaper headline, \"Wallton Returns.\" There is a picture of him running amuck with his clothes ripped in shreds, down to the street. I feel shock and a little fear. I spent the night with him! But, he was friendly! Maybe he'll come back and be dangerous." }, { "number": "0389", "head": "04/03/81", "content": "I'm at an audition. There are lots of people. There are 6 or 7 professional actors/actresses on a list and a lot of \"hopefuls.\" I'm on the list, at the top of the list. They weren't sure of my name so they spelled it Sanders, Saunders, Pepper. I came in and sat down. I am told to rate the performance of the actors/actresses. I see. I do so. One guy, I think his name is Peter (Brook or Brown, wearing glasses like XXX), does an excellent scene. As he finishes, the director says, \"You have the part.\" There is some confusion because a woman had done an excellent scene and they mixed him up with her/or he was her or something. Anyway, he sits down behind me, grinning. I say, \"That's very good.\" He shrugs and says, \"Oh. I'm a professional actor. I get paid. I'm just doing this for fun. Maybe it's not fair to other (amateurs).\" I then notice that they haven't called my name. The male director is giving instructions to the amateurs, to get into groups, to be in the group for the character you're interested in. I think about calling myself to the director's attention but decide not to. I assume that it's because I walked in on crutches. I get up and look for a group. I start to get into a big group when I hear someone call my name. It's Mabel. She and one other woman are in a group to audition for \"Sally.\" I join them. We walk. Mabel is nervous. Then we have to go back to our original seats until we're called. I'm slightly annoyed because it's a long way to walk. Rachel's in the front row and I'm mid-way back, on opposite sides. I go back and 3 women are in my seat. They are crowded around the professional actor. I am annoyed. Peter and a woman get into a fight, verbally. I think he just tells her to leave, arrogantly. I get very angry at him and tell him off. He laughs and baits me. I'm ready to fist fight him but I don't want to. He's laughing at me, egging me on, looking superior. I'm very angry. He puts his hands over his crotch and dares me to hit it. Then he puts his hands over his nose and dares me to hit it. I see the baiting and I don't fall into the trap. I beat on him. I'm good enough to make the attention of the director. He's interested in me now. I feel strong because I didn't back down, and I didn't have to use my crutches. I was apparently eloquent. The director then starts the auditioning and I sit down. I see it's the \"Sally's\" turn, so I get up and walk to the front. Mabel is doing her audition. She's speaking softly. A woman assistant director says to another assistant, \"Oh, she's so young and pretty and has a good, loud voice that carries. I like her!\" Then it's my turn and I stand there with a script book (everyone else has it memorized). She (the woman assistant director) says, \"Oh wait, why are you auditioning for this character?\" I say, \"Well, frankly, I've not read the play. I'm doing a cold reading and I don't know the characters. I just chose a group that looked like me and I knew Mabel. The 2 women assistant directors grimace at each other but tolerate my lack of professional preparedness. I say, \"I'll read anything you suggest.\" They say, \"Oh, read 'Art Brown and Brown Licks Cat'.\" I am delighted when I find the part (on Page 92, the last page), because it's a woman who thinks she's a cat. It will be a fun part to play. I begin. I speak loudly and confidently. I'm good." }, { "number": "0390", "head": "04/04/81", "content": "Tony W wants me to help him take a test. I must hold pictures up for him and ask him questions. It's called the \"XXX far-sighted test.\" It's going to help him with his relationship with his wife Nancy S. George wants me to help him with something too. They both want me to do it at the same time. I have to tell one of them I can't, Tony, I think. Nancy S asks about the test. When I tell her the name she says, \"It's not far-sighted.\" I lean over to her (a little annoyed) and say, \"It's far. The pictures are very simplistic and black and white. You'll be able to see them. They lack detail.\" Something about cheese. [BL]" }, { "number": "0391", "head": "04/04/81", "content": "I'm swimming in a pool. I'm swimming very well, on the surface of the water. I see an object at the bottom of 9' well. I think about diving for it but decide not to. I know I can do it, but I'm afraid and decide not to." }, { "number": "0392", "head": "04/05/81", "content": "My mother, my father and I are in a large van going to California. My mother is sitting on a tall stool chair. She slides it back to lean on the wall of the van so she won't tip over." }, { "number": "0393", "head": "04/05/81", "content": "In a house. I'm still married to Howard. Lots of cats are on the front porch. They've broken a screen so they can go in and out as they wish. I think, \"My what a lot of cats.\" Someone asks if I put their food out where they can get it. I comment that they can come in and get it any time they want. The girls come up to me and tell me Howard is dead. I say, \"No he's not, he's asleep.\" I look out to the back yard. He's sleeping in a lawn chair. I am embarrassed that the girls said that in front of the neighbors and I am sort of hoping it's true. Then I feel badly about hoping he's dead. I think, \"Why are we still in the same house? The marriage has been dead for years.\" Lots of things. I'm cleaning up the kitchen. A poster with the 4 basic groups of food is written on it, in my handwriting. I think about throwing it away because I know that so well, but I just can't. Somehow, I may forget and need to be reminded. I straighten out my jewelry. My wedding rings are there." }, { "number": "0394", "head": "04/06/81", "content": "I'm in the Navy and I'm cheating. I write up my ticket incorrectly so I get more than I'm supposed to. I write up a deal worth $25.00. I get caught. I lie to the woman who has suspicions about me. George meets me and commiserates with me about the unfairness of being caught. We travel on." }, { "number": "0395", "head": "04/06/81", "content": "Now I'm a mobil oil gas station owner. I'm putting gas into a tank. I realize that my numbers in my pump don't register so I can't prove how much gas I give this person. I explain the situation to the owner of the pickup and ask him how much his tank takes. He looks suspiciously at me, then says, \"48 gallons.\" I write it up. Then I call up a special trouble shooter number 00-XXX, to report the situation. I'm in Alabama and I own a gas station, motel and swimming pool and I live on the premises. Behind my beat up greasy place is a huge empty acreage with weeds. I look it over with an eye to expansion. The pool is empty and is a mere wading pool. I change it to a different place and larger." }, { "number": "0396", "head": "04/07/81", "content": "I had been away doing something. I come back to my house. My husband, Burt Lancaster, is entertaining guests. I try to get his attention. I want to be kissed and hugged. He's very busy. I go into the bathroom to take a bath. I sit in the tub; I have a blouse on. Muffin Cat twice leaps on the tub and goes completely underwater. I see him under there, all curled up with his eyes shut. I pull him out and pet him and laugh. I look at our guests and explain, \"How strange! Cats never just jump into water! I don't understand it.\" The guests are rather distant and formal. I notice that the door to the living room is open and I see 5 play mice and 5 real, dead mice under a chair. I think, \"Ugh!\" I get out of the tub. I follow my husband into the kitchen. He's fixing something to eat. He makes a comment, something about what a good cook he's getting to be, with me gone so much. I want to hug and kiss him. I feel sexually aroused. I try to but he keeps slipping away. He's busy doing stuff. I say, \"Please come here. I want to hold you.\" He comes over and says, \"What do you want from me?\" He's aroused, and he rubs his hardened penis against me, like to show me he is aroused and attracted by me and to appease my sexual appetite until the guests are gone. I feel slight resentment because I don't just want to be bumped against. I want to be held. I want him to be less distant!" }, { "number": "0397", "head": "04/08/81", "content": "I see a puff of smoke rise and I'm aware that it is radioactive dust. I go look for cover. I'm skiing down a jump. It costs $5 each time. You have to have paired tickets. The ticket lady tells me I must have dual tickets. I have several in my purse so she lets me ski. I'm a beginner. I have to put in a diaphragm before each ski jump. I am tired of doing that and wonder why I have to do that! Some tough man, like a J.D., bothers me. I have to be tough back. He respects that. I'm very tired. I am led to his room. I lay down on a sleeping bag. I think, \"This won't work, being in his room. He'll come in and disturb me.\" I am really tired." }, { "number": "0398", "head": "04/08/81", "content": "I'm in M City. There are lots of people. I'm going down the main street. Store fronts are built up, with cameras etc. Some big event is on the verge of happening. I ask, \"Why? What's going to happen?\" There's a cross street. People are lined up on both sides. I am wondering which street the parade will go down. I think that maybe it will turn left because more people are there and it's a newer street, but I then see that it curves back on itself and that the parade will go straight up main street. I see a woman. I tell her, \"I've moved to a new house.\" It's near her. She's delighted and wants to give me cookies and cakes and have a party and such. I say, \"Oh yes, that's nice,\" but then realize I don't want to eat cookies and cakes. I'm going to the house. It's the old T City house, sort of. It's beat up and wooden. There's a pasture with a cliff to walk across. I wonder if I'll see my old boyfriend. I see his brother Max. I pick up a cat. We're going back to look at something nostalgic. I put the cat down. A white tiger walks up to me. I'm a little scared and excited and in awe. I say, \"Who are you?\" He says, \"I'm Tigger, I'm you.\" I ask Max if I'll see his brother. He sadly shakes his head and shows me a newsletter with a farewell letter from \"Dwight.\" He's dead. I'll never see him again. I feel sad. The letter is confusing. It says, \"If I had tomorrow, I would enjoy today.\"" }, { "number": "0399", "head": "04/10/81", "content": "Something about Howard. It was time to deal with him. Someone was packing my photographic equipment across a stream on a wagon. It slipped and fell in. They decided to save it. I looked and noticed it was deep enough that I'd have to get my face underwater, but that it was possible. I asked someone to help. I went in there myself, it was shallower then, and I retrieved my diary and dream books and other things. A group of men who had joined the army were going to help me move. I was very angry at them. One man and I talked it out some, but I just yelled in rage at the others. The one layed his sleeping bag near me on the beach." }, { "number": "0400", "head": "04/11/81", "content": "Going to the beach. I'm walking through a large building to get to it. Howard is taking care of the baby. I feel guilty as I walk away to go to the beach and enjoy myself. I see an old player piano and want to show it to co-worker Josh, but it has no piano rolls to put in. I'm disappointed. There is a \"player guitar.\" I play it. It has pretty music. I walk over and around lots of things to get to the side door to go out. I get lost in the corridors. I have shop lifted a couple of kitchen items, a potato peeler, and a salt shaker my daughter Dovre made. I feel embarrassed. I hope I don't get caught. I wonder why I did it?! A woman employee in a blue shop clerk jacket walks by and I hide the items. I look for directions. I see a sign that says \"beds, l hotels go to heaven.\" I go out to the beach. I step over a stove (kitchen), that has an oil painting on it. I stand near the ocean. I see Dovre and Ellie playing in the waves. They are older, more developed physically. I envy their pretty young breasts. I put Paulina (maybe 2 or 3 years old), on my shoulders \"like a dad would\" and walk out. The water is shallow for a long way. Paulina wants to go out further. I look up and see a big wave coming. I turn and walk back hurriedly, explaining to the girls that we are in danger from the delayed wave that is so big. We make it back in time. [BL]" }, { "number": "0401", "head": "04/11/81", "content": "Someone is helping me cook breakfast. The racks are difficult to adjust. Lots of food is being cooked, an abundance. Ginny's kids' breakfast is on the first shelf and 2 blankets insulate it so that the food on the lower shelves isn't getting cooked. I realize that George hasn't any breakfast. I offer to fix some for him. I poach some eggs for him. Ginny helps me get the eggs out and she breaks one or two. I finally get to eat my breakfast. Someone says finally, \"You get to eat. How is it?\" I say, \"It's fine.\" I have a sense that I'm packing to move somewhere." }, { "number": "0402", "head": "04/11/81", "content": "Somebody wore her mother's wedding gown." }, { "number": "0403", "head": "04/11/81", "content": "I'm going down streets like in M City. Now I'm in corridors of a school campus. I must choose to turn right or left. A cage or screen is blocking any forward movement. I turn left and go around a block. I look for a radio station, and ask directions at the performing arts theatre musicians." }, { "number": "0404", "head": "04/13/81", "content": "Co-workers Tyler, Juliet, and I are playing music together. I'm playing a banjo. We take turns playing lead and back up. It's good team work." }, { "number": "0405", "head": "04/13/81", "content": "I'm in a bus with other people, mostly women. One woman says, \"Let's go live at the Kendell.\" I said, \"Oh, I've lived there before. I guess it would be O.K. as long as I don't have to live on the 4th floor. People who apply late usually get the 4th floor, but if there's an elevator, then it would be O.K.\" My friend then goes to the center of the bus and announces that I will play a song. I'm embarrassed. I get in front of everyone and need to readjust my instrument. I glue some cardboard together and cut some down to size. I use cottage cheese as a glue. I hide my work from the audience because they will have to guess the answer to the game. Then I try to play my banjo. It doesn't sound right. Finally, I notice that the cap is on incorrectly and the instrument is backwards and looks like a guitar. I look reprovingly at my friend and tell her she put the 4 on backwards for the caps. I fix it and then I can play the banjo. [BL]" }, { "number": "0406", "head": "04/14/81", "content": "This person and myself are being chased by some people. We're on a city street looking for ways to hide. I think that I'll meditate and call upon my guru. I do so. He shows up and whispers, \"Hey, over here,\" and walks away. I follow, looking around for the \"bad guys.\" He then disappears. My friend says, \"Oh! What a lovely woman is walking by,\" and I look to see my guru or I see an invisible nothing. I am quite agitated. I say, \"This is all very nice and interesting, but can this magic stuff save our asses and get us out of here before we're hurt?\" How are we going to get out of there safely? [BL]" }, { "number": "0407", "head": "04/14/81", "content": "My \"brothers\" and I are stealing some cattle from some ranchers. I'm in the kitchen, trying to quietly open cans of food. I use an electric can opener and it's very noisy! I get shushed and pull out a little hand one. The Mexican sister of the bad guys hears the noise and sneaks into the kitchen to see what's going on. My brothers are assisting the bad guys not to be suspicious. I am a male. The sister is upset to see me. She feels used. We like each other but here I am stealing from her family. I assure her that I really do like her for herself. She then becomes a male Mexican doctor and I become her. He's going to hide me. We hear the bad guys coming back in. I hide in a closet and put a towel over me. He worries that I'll be stupid and not hide myself well, but I'm very good at it. He and I are talking after the coast is clear and we hear them coming near again. I slide under a shelf and then Bonnie is describing how she wanted to make love to the doctor but it hurt, so she requested he come in from behind. She called it the scrota or the ova. I watch and become sexually excited and ask for Brian's phone number and then I write it down. I'm going to call him up and ask him to make love with me." }, { "number": "0408", "head": "04/15/81", "content": "I'm doing dishes. I'm talking with someone. I go into the living room. It's all changed around. I feel disoriented. My mother sure has been industrious! Not only did she move the furniture, but she moved the windows and built in shelves and a fireplace too! I look closely at the windows and try to remember how it was before at grandma Mildred's house. I realize that it is just the furniture that is moved. I see pretty cloth being put up on the windows and new pink lacy curtains. My mother is so impressive, it must hurt her hands and she must get tired but she still keeps doing things to make the place nice. Now there's a meeting. I must take minutes. I write rapidly. Someone's talking to me. I turn to her and say, \"Hey! Come on! I'm trying to take minutes here. Leave me alone for awhile.\" She then does. I'm laying on my tummy on the floor. Tom B is explaining how he's waiting for a teacher to get information to him before he finishes his project. Dickie challenges him and says, \"It's your fault. You need to do something first, then the teacher can respond.\" I get confused on the issues and write it to the best of my abilities. Aunt Elaine comes in. A boy stands behind her. She says, \"Are you hiding or are you just trying to keep me warm?\" She's pleasant, maternal, and wears a revealing dress. Her daughter Patricia, my cousin, is more primly dressed and standoffish. I look past them at the door and wonder if my mother remodeled their bedroom too (It feels like the S City house there)." }, { "number": "0409", "head": "04/16/81", "content": "I die. I say good-bye to close people first. It's time. I chose to. I feel very sad. I don't want to but it's necessary. A man, he has a beard, is sad. I linger near him after I die. He cries for me. I feel sad but try to make him feel O.K. about my leaving." }, { "number": "0410", "head": "04/16/81", "content": "Someone shot an arrow at a helicopter and it crashed in flames. A narrator said, \"Woody sort of threw this thing and it made a noise and kind of hurt it.\" I thought, \"What a cover up! Disgusting.\" I saw a car with huge baskets on the top of it driving away. I was writing a play. It called for a new character. I got stuck and then inspiration struck and I wrote one in. [BL]" }, { "number": "0411", "head": "04/17/81", "content": "I'm in the passenger side of a car. A man is drawing. We pick up hitch hikers, a man and a woman. The woman is really talkative. She soon is sitting next to me and chatting away. She has my books under her arm and I'm concerned that she's going to steal them. I watch her closely. We get to a house and go in. It's time to clean up. I ask her to help put away the food. She balks and complains. I don't start work until I see that she has done her share and then I start doing it too. She put lots of things in the wrong place and I correct it. The man watches all this and as I'm washing dishes, he starts to talk to me. He says, \"He worked in Louisiana, do you know what that was like?\" I said, \"Ya, bugs, heat, etc.\" He tells me about getting malaria. His feet were too short for the first 8 years of his life." }, { "number": "0412", "head": "04/17/81", "content": "I'm in a house. Relatives are there too. We're going to go outside to have a tennis game. It's raining very hard, so we decide to stay indoors. Then I notice that the rain has stopped. I go outside. There are lots of puddles, but I see a cement tennis court surface. I look to my right. I see a mother deer and her fawn, except the mother deer has antlers. I call to the family to see the pretty sight. They bolt, but run into the house through a side door. I follow. The family exclaims at how cute they are. They run back out. I go into the side room. I see old furniture and chairs. I realize that there are things left here from the previous owner. I'm delighted; I'll find something wonderful. I look. I find toys in a dresser, children's sized chairs and a child's piano. I also find Sony tape records, very large and lots of buttons, a small color T.V., and beautiful old fashioned dresses, one all black, and some books. I make the books be there because I am disappointed in the \"treasure.\" I notice this room doesn't have an open door to the main house and I wonder how the family saw the deer and then this baby. My \"dad\" is telling me about how as a young man, he had to climb down a sheer cliff to a beach with the boys to prove his bravery, like each boy had to. He remembered being very afraid, but he did it. I asked him, \"What for? What was at the bottom of the cliff?\" He says, \"A passive beach.\" I see turbulent ocean waves and wonder why I can't see a passive beach. Then his cousin Seymour is describing his first date with his new wife Dixie. They are \"first cousins\" and as children, Seymour ran to the car to greet the family and said to her, \"Oh! There you are,\" and walked away together to play. Now I'm in a small room that is a portion of a long line of rooms like a hall way. I'm retarded. I'm brushing my hair. A young man comes into the room. I sense danger from him. He leaves the room. I know he's locking doors so I can't escape. I think to myself, \"What will I do? He's going to want to make love to me. I don't have any birth control. I won't make love to him.\" I feel proud that I think ahead and make a decision. He comes back into the room. He's mean. The mirror I am looking into turns into a space heater, a cage with 3 heating elements and a door on it. I think he snuck in and put a mouse in there to scare me. It'd be a dead mouse by now, because of all the heat. I look, it was all in my head, a fantasy, there is no mouse there." }, { "number": "0413", "head": "04/18/81", "content": "I am sweet sixteen. A man wants to make love to me, but I don't want to. He follows me. I feel uncomfortable. He says I'm deliberately turning him on. I say, \"No, I'm not.\" He grabs me and starts to rape me. I get very angry and beat the shit out of him. I lose control and hit and hit and hit. He goes away. The women's center decides to assist me even though I've not been technically raped, i.e. because of no actual penetration. I want to be alone but they all crowd into my office. I'm glad I don't have to worry about being pregnant. Now I go to another office. I have a 3 month old baby. The agency comes. A woman takes the baby. It's a happy experience. They give me a newborn, my new charge to love and nurture for 3 months or until it gets adopted. I sadly kiss the older baby goodbye and happily receive the new one. It's sleeping, so I put in on a chair by my desk to sleep. A young man comes to talk. He's quite surprised when I tell him I've had many, many children and then explain that I don't actually birth them. They're from the adoption agency. [BL]" }, { "number": "0414", "head": "04/18/81", "content": "I'm driving an old car, my '61 Comet. There are lots of lanes, a freeway. Then there's snow on the ground and I'm on a dirt road. In the snow, I skid and lose control. I realize as I pumped the brakes that I have no control, so I just sit there and steer to a soft as possible \"crash\" into a bank. I sit there, wondering what I'll do now! A huge dog bounds up and is wagging his tail. I get out to look over the situation. I see I have a flat tire, the left rear tire. I think, \"Huh! Another one!\" I open the trunk and look in, sleeping bags, wires, and junk. I'm thinking, \"Yuck.\" I'm standing in muddy puddles, and I can't find a tire repair, or spare tire. This is not comfortable. I look around to see if anyone's around that can help me. Then I'm aware that the car is going to blow up. I run for cover. A man is running with me. I run into his house. The car explodes. I wonder, \"Now what?!\" The man is delighted to meet me. He's heard about me and has wanted to meet me for awhile. I decide to go on. He says to be sure and get acquainted with the natives. That will be good for me. My 2 cats hop up on my shoulders and ride with me. The man is impressed. I see slug-like creatures in his hallway. They repulse me. I ask if they are dangerous. \"What are they?\" I step on one accidently and it pops. \"Ugh.\" As I leave, I become aware that the man is very pleasant and I would probably enjoy knowing him. I wonder why I'm leaving." }, { "number": "0415", "head": "04/18/81", "content": "A large, fat woman is a guest speaker for the C. dept. In the middle of her speech, she looks sad and concerned and scared and starts crying. She is unable to go on. I talk to her and console her. I say, \"Don't worry, I don't like half the people here and I work here with them.\" I tell her it's O.K. to do what she did. No one will despise her for it. She turns black and her face gets contorted. I'm a little amazed. I pat her on the hand and continue to console her." }, { "number": "0416", "head": "04/19/81", "content": "A huge refrigerator, freezer, oven, furnace combo machine. I am looking at all the nice extra features like a mirror so I can see if the pilot light is on easily. All these extra items cost extra money. I open a sliding drawer and find lots of extra \"free\" things. I'm delighted. there are lots of pots and pans of different sizes. A spotted green metal one, and lots of measuring cups and spoons, carrot sticks, apple slices, foods, etc. I am spooning out the white flour and I call to Paulina to bring me a container. I fill it (a one cup measuring cup), and ask for another. I have a feeling of happiness as I put things away where they belong." }, { "number": "0417", "head": "04/19/81", "content": "I'm on a bus. A baby named Tom changes into a black dog." }, { "number": "0418", "head": "04/20/81", "content": "My Aunt Elaine and Grandma Agnes are the first of a number of relatives that are visiting me. I am wondering what I'm going to feed them. I look in my cupboards and find not quite a pound of hamburger. It won't be enough to make my old stand by, spaghetti. I am chatting with grandma who looks years younger. I ask her, \"Don't you go to the United Methodist Church? We have one here, in my new neighborhood. There are lots of old women that have the same disease as me, but no one my age,\" I say sadly. Grandma starts walking to the store. I run after her, shouting to her and then haven't the courage to ask her to get me some more hamburger. I decide I'd better go get it myself, rather than ask for help. I am annoyed that I have to. It takes so much of my energy." }, { "number": "0419", "head": "04/20/81", "content": "Mort (a client) and the girls are at a table. Ellie and I talk. I really listen to her and understand her frustrations. A good feeling of rapport grows between us. There is some kind of danger and we need to hide, underwater in a bathtub. Ellie and Paulina are there and I'm helping them so they don't panic. We talk about how well they did after they come up. There is something about their mother who left them. Ellie is a little mad at her." }, { "number": "0420", "head": "04/20/81", "content": "American has purchased reclaimed land from the sea. It ranges from Alaska to the tip of South America on the Pacific Ocean side. It's called \"Tilla Lilly.\" I see a picture of it. It's bigger than Texas and Alaska combined! Much bigger! I am impressed. Then I say, \"But oh, now the shape of the U.S. is changed to a square, I mean an oblong. How sad.\"" }, { "number": "0421", "head": "04/21/81", "content": "2 other persons and myself are making something illegal. We are going to sell it for lots of money. Some people come and try to get the stuff away from us. One person comes and sniffs it to see if it's potent and starts to walk away with it without paying for it. I feel helpless; I want to stop them but I'm afraid to. Another person goes after them and asks for the money. I'm glad they did it. The person refuses to pay and gets arrogant. \"So what are you going to do about it?\" I pick up a small revolver and shoot the person in the neck. I feel badly but I feel better when I realize that it's a small bullet and will hurt them, but not kill them, .22 caliber. He gives us back the stuff. The one who went after the money feels sad because we'll always be in trouble or uptight because we're dealing with stuff others will always try to take away from us. I say, \"No, that's silly! We can sell this, take the money and invest it, and let the money work for us.\" Then the mother of one of us comes for dinner. We hide the stuff and camouflage the gun. I put a tape cassette over it. The \"mom\" brings a good-looking young man. Someone cooks the dinner. Each serving is a lovely bouquet of cut flowers. It's too pretty to eat. I'm glad I've already eaten my dinner. [BL]" }, { "number": "0422", "head": "04/22/81", "content": "At night, it's time to rest. I lay down on the ground. A lion jumps me. I shoot it. I can't tell if I've killed it because it's all dark. I decide to rest with my back to a rock. A rock over, hangs above me and I place sharp sticks in the ground all around me, so the sticks will get them before they get me." }, { "number": "0423", "head": "04/22/81", "content": "I'm in T City. I look out the window and I see huge white puffs of smoke and steam. Mt. St. Helens has blown. I see a white sky scraper in Dover that falls over. The awesome power of the volcano is approaching me at T City. I run to the sink to fill empty milk bottles with water before the shock wave hits." }, { "number": "0424", "head": "04/22/81", "content": "I'm talking to my father. I put out 2 cigs that are burning in an ashtray. I see my mother smoking. I ask my father, \"How can that be?\" He says, \"Oh, once in awhile, she'll smoke one.\" I am reading a book and in the book is a story of the Sanders family. It talks about dreams we have. I am confused to find such personal stuff printed. \"How did they know?\" Dad is explaining it. I get a sense of understanding that I've made too big a deal about it; I've made it too mysterious. It's pretty matter-of-fact." }, { "number": "0425", "head": "04/22/81", "content": "I'm trying to find the road to T City. I'm in the city but I can't find the way to the ocean and the farm. I stop and ask for directions. I ask an old woman. She tries to tell me but can't exactly remember. \"This shopping center is gone now and that junction is changed now.\" She says something about Cleveland. I'm annoyed. If she'll just tell me where XXX Road is, I'll find the farm. I walk out and see my Uncle Wilbur. He's a psychic. I walk up to him. I say, \"Hi, tell me how to get to your farm. I've forgotten!\" He frowns and says, \"What time is it?\" I say, \"A few minutes past 5.\" He frowns because I've asked him a question after work hours. He takes my hand to do a reading, even though he's annoyed with me. I'm annoyed at him too; I didn't want a reading, I just wanted directions to his home. He twitches and makes odd faces. He says, \"Are you from Cleveland?\" I say, \"No! A woman just said that city, so it's fresh in my mind!\" I am then a little impressed because how could he know that? He goes on. Then 2 women join us. One named Beth asks if we'd been together before in past lives. He holds our hands. We're in a circle and he starts twitching again. He and Beth have had lives together before and they talk about it." }, { "number": "0426", "head": "04/23/81", "content": "A young woman (in house) announces her engagement. I am amused at her because she's carrying a scrap book for people to sign while she's telling people she won't accept the engagement. I point out her double message. She's so into her game she can't hear me. Then there is a class. Only 3 of us meet, she, her young man, and me. After each class period, I go stand in a corner to pee. I lift up the back of my skirt so no one sees anything (blue skirt from another state). The young man comes over to talk to me while I do this. I feel a little embarrassed but I'm pretty cool about it. I look at him and think, \"What a good-looking man. What a shame he's such an idiot.\" I feel sad and a little jealous of the young woman. Now we are inside my green pickup truck (from another state). I see a little mouse peeking in. He's sitting on the outside mirror. I tell the young woman to let him in. He's been lost for awhile. As she opens the back door to go get him, I realize that it's actually a monkey and it's inside, so I tell her to hurry back in before she sneaks out. I coax him over to me. He sits on my lap. As I pet him, I realize that he's changed. He's half man, half monkey. A lot of his fur is gone and a soft human skin is there. Some magician did that. I pet him. It feels very sensual and nice. He watches me a lot. Then the young woman follows her young man into another room and hits him with a rolling pin! She is angry and yells at him and hits him. She's really chewing him out! He looks contrite and also grins like a mischievous imp. I walk in there, after putting the monkey aside. She's behind a partition and hands me a rolling pin to do the same to my young man. He comes in and I hit him a couple of times and in an angry tone of voice tell him not to play games with me. He laughs and says, \"I'll leave and never come back.\" I have my back to him. I'm looking out the window and I feel very strong. I say, \"Go right ahead. I won't come after you. I'm not going to play games.\" He's wavering now and stops teasing me. He walks up behind me to talk to me about it." }, { "number": "0427", "head": "04/24/81", "content": "I'm trying to act with Mark H in wheelchairs. It is difficult but works out." }, { "number": "0428", "head": "04/24/81", "content": "A woman is eating her last supper because her husband is going to kill her. She has a plate full of nuts, almonds, filberts, walnuts, etc. She says it's her very favorite meal. I think it's a little strange. I go to talk to the husband. He's had a rough childhood. I follow him into his trailer. He's on a starvation kick. I offer him a salad. He laughs and leans back on the couch pillows. He's not interested. I notice that my blouse is unbuttoned and it's part way open. It's seductive and I notice I look like a boy that way. Now he's my husband and we're at some kind of fair. I am looking around and walk away from him for awhile. A man with glasses notices me and follows me. He wants to pick me up. I smile because he doesn't know I have a husband. I see a line of Santa Clauses getting ready to sing carols. I notice they are firemen dressing as Santas. I am approaching the boundary of the fair and I stand at a T crossroads contemplating which way to turn. I then leave and then come back to the fair." }, { "number": "0429", "head": "04/25/81", "content": "I sitting in a bus with Pedro and others. He says, \"I wouldn't be around disabled people except it's my job and I have to, so I make the best of it.\" I feel a little hurt but also glad to hear the truth. \"Ah,\" I say, \"I've felt that and it's nice to know that's true.\" It is a heavy and good emotional moment. It clears the air. A man driving the VW bus parks it. From where we are, we can see the beach and ocean. It's night. I sigh. Pedro says, \"This is where my wife and I park and neck.\" I laugh and say, \"Maybe we'll do that in a few days (because we're going to a conference together). He and I laugh together. It's a joke to ease any tension. Then I sigh and say, \"I'd really like to go on the beach.\" I think about how hard it will be to walk. Then I'm sitting on top of the VW bus. Cory is going to drive it off a cliff. He's all happy because one doesn't have many opportunities to do it and it's fun and perfectly O.K. to do. I'm scared and as we fall; my stomach does flip flops. As we hit, the bus starts to roll over on its side. I hear Pedro and friends yell, \"Roll away from it.\" I do so. I am unhurt. Cory gets his leg caught under the bus. I go quickly to him and gently pull his leg out. I feel the fear and guilt from the people on top of the cliff. I see that Cory only has a scratch and is O.K. I pat him and offer him my other pair of crutches. I signal \"O.K.\" with both hands to the people on the cliff. Co-worker Josh is first one to arrive at the scene. I remember thinking, \"Of course, he would.\" I feel a little annoyed at myself for having to be the one to signal O.K. I'm always taking care of others." }, { "number": "0430", "head": "04/25/81", "content": "I'm in a room with lots of other people. Something's wrong with my arm or leg. Therese (a hard of hearing student) plays nurse. She grinds up a Wright's Aspirin. I refuse to take it until I know what's in it. She's annoyed with me and I explain that I react badly to caffeine. She calls the doctor, a Japanese man, who'll come look at me later. I am playing patient, somehow." }, { "number": "0431", "head": "04/25/81", "content": "I'm going to a series of interesting classes and movies. Raul and I go to a movie. A woman directs the movie. I say, \"Hey, this is live acting, not a movie!\" Someone pulls a movie screen down so part of it is a movie, and part of it is live. Hank comes out to play the piano. I'm surprised. I didn't know he played the piano! The director asks me and the audience what kind of monsters we want. \"Creepy crawly crabs or supermen monsters?\" I say, \"Oh! The crabs.\" I don't want to see supermen monsters! Raul and I leave and go to another movie. It's on the women's side so I have to sneak him in. He says he realizes that I'm right and he has much to learn. I feel glad he finally has stopped ignoring my worth. We are great friends and I help him. In one seminar, there is a discussion of nutrition. I ask them to repeat it. I missed it. Then George has to go to a class at an earlier time. He's upset at first and then agrees that it's a good learning experience. He laughs and says, \"Well, think about the elderly people. They have to get on the train and go and they don't complain. I guess I can.\" The class is over and I am trying to read many interesting books on fascinating subjects. One is about the French psychology. I try to read two books at once. I feel sexual excitement and I try to button up my jeans. I feel an orgasm." }, { "number": "0432", "head": "04/26/81", "content": "I'm training to box like a man. I listen carefully to my instructions from my teacher. I ask a couple of questions of my team mates. They sort of accept me and help me out." }, { "number": "0433", "head": "04/26/81", "content": "Cousin Terence has a newborn baby girl. I hold her. She's very beautiful and well-formed. She's also very intelligent and talks. I think it's quite remarkable that I can be privy to how a newborn thinks and feels. I hold her and we talk. My \"sister\" and \"cousin\" Darcy talk about when they were born. I try to remember their birthdays. Darcy's is XXX 3rd or so and my \"sister's\" is XXX the 15th. My \"sister\" explains that they were born with nearly half a brain. If you are born with just half a brain, you die. I see what looks like a water melon being chopped in half by a huge knife; however, they have a little more than half a brain. I am drawn to Terence's baby girl. I wrap her in a pretty blanket I knitted. I'm explaining things to her." }, { "number": "0434", "head": "04/27/81", "content": "I'm in a store, on the ground floor. I buy something. I go to the elevator and go up to the 3rd floor. I get out and realize that I really wanted the 1st floor all along. I go back to the elevator. I pick up things I had dropped. I have lots of dollar bills and change loosely hanging out of my pockets. I pick up crochet hooks, knitting needles, and yarn. My crutches are upside down, in a corner. As I get to 1st floor, I see Patsy. She wants to talk. At first, I don't really want to listen but then I don't mind helping out." }, { "number": "0435", "head": "05/02/81", "content": "I have 3 written messages for Tony W, Arvonne, and Maggie. They come to get them but I can't find them on the littered, unorganized surface of my desk. I finally find them and hand them out. Each note has instructions for them to do. Now it is time for me to go with Arvonne to the movies. She sells tickets and I think, \"Maybe I'll do that.\" She gets there before me. I'm late because I couldn't find something. When I get to the door of the theatre, I think, \"Oh well, she has the key. I could yell or honk my horn to get her attention but maybe I'll just forget it.\" Then someone lets me in. I need to find the tickets. I start digging around in my purse. It's a mess and I can't find anything. There is a sense of people waiting impatiently. I reorganize everything in my purse. It takes time but I feel better when it's done. Then the owner of the theatre, \"Tom,\" comes up and says, \"Well, where's your down payment?\" I am surprised. I say, \"What? I have to pay to get the tickets that I sell?\" I realize I have no money. I say, \"No one told me I had to have a down payment!\" He smiles and waits. I then think, \"Well, if it's going to cost me to get into ticket selling, then I'd better shape up and see this as an official job and do a good job.\" I get the tickets. It takes me a long time to get ready. I feel like I'm wasting valuable selling time. Then, I'm selling and making change. I start to put some $10 bills up my sleeve in a professional thief manner. I stop mid-movement, surprised that I'm doing it and think, \"Why not? I need the money but I'm aware of \"Tom\" watching me. I'm worried about getting caught, so I don't do it but enviously watch all the money as it passes through my hands. I then start to put blue eye shadow on my right eye. It becomes darker than I had thought it would be. I start the second one, only I draw the shape of an eyelid on my left upper arm sleeve. It turns purple and I am surprised. \"Tom\" comes by and smiles and says, \"Oh, that's cute.\" I change the purple to blue to match the other." }, { "number": "0436", "head": "05/02/81", "content": "Someone and I are offered beads to string for fun and profit. We made a baby rattle that's very cute. I try several other designs. Now I'm measuring on a map with a hairpin like device that is unbent. I can't make out the writing on the map but I see some water channels and locks and a bay. I see \"Golden Gate\" written on the bay. I get a feeling that we're sailing and decide it would be fun to stop off at the Golden Gate Bay before going on our journey east (incorrect numbering there are no dreams numbered 330-339)." }, { "number": "0437", "head": "05/01/81", "content": "I am very angry. I see my old diaries and journals and I'm aware that some people have read them without my permission. I say to them, \"I am very angry. I trusted you.\" I feel their guilt and I feel somehow that it's at least partly my fault because I left them out unattended. I feel good to say I am angry. [BL]" }, { "number": "0438", "head": "05/03/81", "content": "I'm in M City. It's time for graduation ceremonies. I get angry at Andrea and I swear at her. I tell her to fuck off because it's not necessary to be so rough on little babies. She signals that she refuses to be treated this way. I feel guilty that I don't find a nicer way of telling her but I also realize that the only way I'll get heard is to yell it out quickly. She isn't going to hang out and let me talk about it. I'm now driving my wheelchair through the streets of M City, down Main Street. I drive fast and nearly cause a wreck with a school bus. I go over railroad tracks. I then turn and go down the tracks for one block. I'm on gravel and I get hit in both eyes. A narrator tells how this is very common. I get on Main Street. I pass a cafe I used to frequent. Co-worker Tyler is in there. I feel like I'd like to go in there but I'm embarrassed to because I'm in the chair. I drive on by. I get to the high school. There are lots of stairs. Some woman asks if I need help. I say, \"Oh maybe. If you stand at the bottom to block me if I get going too fast.\" I bounce down the stairs in my chair. Then I look for the woman's restroom. I go in. It's very crowded with lots of women and co-worker Josh and one other man. He says, \"Well, after the 'women's' sign there was a little 'men's' sign.\" He reads things literally, so he came in. I feel shocked but try to act like it's quite normal." }, { "number": "0439", "head": "05/03/81", "content": "I am Queen Mary. I have a woman secretary. I have a dream. The dream has a small image. It says, \"Mary dances 28 times and draws a picture of a lounge area, a chair, 4 chairs around a table, with a napkin holder in the center, and a padded bar.\" I tell my dream to my secretary. She tells me about a person she knows who would like to take me out for a cup of coffee. As she is talking, I see a man in a green suit peeking around the corner. He then moves to sit near her. He says, \"I hope you don't mind but I'm the one who would like to take you out for a cup of coffee.\" I smile at his naivete. I say, \"My dear boy, where do you suppose the Queen of England could go for a casual cup of coffee? I would have to have at least 10 persons within visual contact of my body.\" He says, \"Oh, I didn't think of that.\" I chuckle softly. He goes away. I then continue to work through the dream. I see a small printed box. I read the words. They are clear details from the dream. I read them to my secretary. \"Frank G. Sinatra, Cary Grant,\" and a long list of other names. \"Oh! Ingrid Bergman is listed as with Cary Grant.\" The secretary and I are very impressed with the clarity of the dream stuff. Then suddenly, I get an inspiration. I say, \"Don't you see? Frank Sinatra, to the lounge, to your nephew wanting to take me out for coffee, to the sense of a James Bond movie I woke up feeling! It all fits.\" The secretary becomes upset. \"Oh! My nephew,\" she says. \"Does that mean you suspect him?\" I nod yes and I suddenly realize that it goes one step further and links up with the secretary. She then realizes it and we look at each other, concerned, confused, and embarrassed. (Oh, I remember that when I read the list of stars and who was with them, me secretary said, \"But how could you know that?\" I said, \"I didn't, not on a conscious level, but I must have heard it or read it sometime, everything goes into the unconscious and comes back up when it's needed.\" I felt very impressed at the workings of the unconscious mind)." }, { "number": "0440", "head": "05/05/81", "content": "I am a young man. I am going down in the basement with my girlfriend. Her mother disapproves and frowns at me. She is sure that we'll have sex and play around. She can't stop me though. I smile at her stupid narrow-mindedness. We go down a long flight of stairs. I see lots of packages of Big Red gum. I take a piece and say, \"Oh, now that is Big Red.\" We enter the family room that is the model of preparedness for company, a T.V. in every corner, snacks, etc. We go further down. We are alone. The man leaves. I feel like he'll never come back. He/I do. I'm sliding downstairs on my tummy and I get sucked into a narrow channel and I feel like I'm choking. I'm surrounded by a suspicious girl's vomit. I pull up out of it. My girlfriend is very glad to see me and angry at me for leaving and afraid to show her emotions to me. I think, \"Silly girl.\" I pull her outside. I've got one arm around her in a hug. I show her several presents. One is a small box that has the engagement and wedding rings in it. She ferrets it out and is deliriously happy. I am the girl and I feel so relieved and happy. He does love me. I'm safe. Then there is danger. A man in costume is evil and accidently randomly seems to be killing me. I yell at him to stop it. I explain to him how he's hurting me. I beg with him. He just keeps coming. Finally, I have to hit him with a stick. I go for the face and then the groin area. There are no genitals, just a mushy round spot. That makes him back off. He allows me to escape. He's laughing. I run up the stairs and feel fear that he's pursuing. I get to the top and out the door. I see crowds of Mexican people and I realize that I'm in Mexico without papers. They'll catch me and put me in jail. I'm glad of that but I'm more afraid an evil one will pursue me. I look for a security guard. I find one. As I walk up to his table, I see an ornate wooden bowl. He wears a ceremonial mask. I explain my story. He nods and says, \"Go and sleep until morning. The Divine Grace will see you then.\" I am worried and I say, \"No, you don't understand. I'm in danger.\" He nods and smiles paternally. He says, \"Even as you say the words, The Divine Grace hears and acts on them. Go until morning.\" I realize this is so and I go, relieved." }, { "number": "0441", "head": "05/05/81", "content": "There are two men, one is older, like Morgan and one is younger. They find me. I had left them before. I leave them again. I go to college. I am an artist that chose not to use my professional status to get a good spot at school. I ask for a male teacher, and then I connect with another woman artist and together we create really beautiful art. We compliment and complete one another." }, { "number": "0442", "head": "05/06/81", "content": "I'm driving through Dover. There is lots of traffic. I'm looking for 5-D which is the freeway. I see an enormous blue house with many stories and lots of windows. There are jewelry displays in every window. I stop and look. I go inside. I don't see any I really want. A woman asks if there's anything I particularly want. I say, \"No.\" A cute little cocker spaniel puppy comes frisking up to me. I think it's adorable. I pick it up and pet it and cuddle it and put it up on my left shoulder like I did Muffin Cat. I think, \"I'll take him home with me.\" I walk out with him on my shoulder. As I get to the edge of the lawn I think, \"Wait! This means I'll have to take care of him. He'll wet on my carpet. I can't just leave him for a few days, no, I don't want that responsibility.\" I put him down. He's so cute and hard to leave but I do. I notice his nose looks like a cat's. I go to grandma Mildred & grandpa Lloyd's \"new\" house and I go inside. I'm now in the bedroom and my mother's in one bed, and my father's in another. I crawl in bed with my mother. She's angry and kicks me out. I land with a thud on the floor. I'm surprised. I crawl back in and she kicks me out again. I get angry. I yell at her. I tell her off. \"To hell with you! I don't need this! I can't stand people that are all locked in and can't show their emotions!\" She glares at me and says, \"I know. Me too. I've long not liked that in you.\" I gasp and say, \"Well, where do you think I learned it from? You!\" She's hurt. I feel guilty. I keep on yelling though. My father comes in and tells me not to yell at my mother. I feel hurt and angry. I say, \"I'll leave!\" Then I look out the bedroom window and I see a pretty lake. My grandparents have a small wooden deck right on it. I see their tea cups out there. I think, \"How like Elliot to always have a place near water. I envy them and that spot. It's quiet and meditative. I go looking for Dwight. I find him and say, \"I've been kicked out and I'm leaving! Do you want to ride back with me or not? It doesn't matter either way.\" He says, \"Well, when are you leaving?\" I say, \"Right away. Maybe I'll wait l/2 an hour.\" He grimaces and says, \"Oh, I thought I'd stay for a day or two and just see the sights here in Dover.\" I feel compelled to get back to E City, because that was my original plan. I realize that I have no real need to be back, and I think of how much fun it would be to relax for awhile, but I'm still pulled toward E City. I waver." }, { "number": "0443", "head": "05/06/81", "content": "The T City house." }, { "number": "0444", "head": "05/08/81", "content": "I am waving good-bye to a very dear friend. The distance between us is growing. I make the \"I love you\" sign with each hand and wave them at her. I feel bereft, alone, separated, and sad. Later, I am reunited with a friend. It is intense. It is a need. He and I just can't be apart. As we are reunited, a baby lunges across the water and throws itself at us in a sense of desperation. The baby needed us so badly, that she/he \"walked on water,\" which is a miracle. One knee got wet. We are all so happy clinging to one another." }, { "number": "0445", "head": "05/08/81", "content": "Mabel is trying to bring Andrea and I back together. We are sitting at a table together in a meeting. Mabel stands up and starts to announce how we've been having difficulties. Both Andrea and I get embarrassed and angry and tell her to leave us alone. During the course of the meeting, we have to talk to each other and I smile and look her in the eye, being open to reconciliation. She continues to be cold. I smile at that too. How typical of her." }, { "number": "0446", "head": "05/08/81", "content": "I'm at Mabel's house. They have offered to let me live with them for awhile. I'm trying to look up the name of the class I'm going to register for. I see \"Side Role Stereotypes\" and \"Marriage.\" I can't find the right information. I get angry at her for offering to help and then not being any help. I say, \"Huh! You said you could offer me alternative veggie foods, and a non-smoking, caring environment.\" She shrugs and looks helpless. Her husband comes in and says, \"I've got a job in Bermuda. Let's go.\" I groan, \"I have class. I can't go!\" He says, \"Well, go to your class and come later. Just drive there, but be sure not to take a boat. Of all the places where you take a boat, this is the one you shouldn't.\" I am surprised one can take a road and drive there." }, { "number": "0447", "head": "05/09/81", "content": "I'm getting ready to go somewhere. I'm doing up the dishes, taking many pills, and hoping I took the right ones and not too many. Muffin Cat has swallowed a clock and is ticking like captain Hook's crocodile. Things are messy and not quite right, out of sync. I am looking at an old photo album of my mother that I've never seen before. There are lot of pictures. Her father looks like Clyde, my father's stepdad, and a little like Jared. They had bought swampland. There's lots of muddy water covering bike paths. One photo is of my mother and Clyde standing neck deep in one mud hole. Lots of leather, and a sense of money that got lost later. My mother's graduation picture. She says, \"See, Jackie Gleason, a fine poet and the world's worst comedian and look what he got famous for, how ironic.\"" }, { "number": "0448", "head": "05/12/81", "content": "A school bus going down a hall. We come to a stop because a hot wire is down and it's sparking. If we touch it, zap! We carefully back up and get out of the danger zone." }, { "number": "0449", "head": "05/13/81", "content": "I'm getting ill so my father will take care of me." }, { "number": "0450", "head": "05/13/81", "content": "I'm talking on a tape recorder at a woman's request. We had met briefly at a conference and she likes people she meets to talk and give feedback. 3 men talk first. I'm impressed that she can attract so many. Then I start to describe our meeting. I tell how she was on a bus (in the driver's seat). My 2 sons and I (Ricardo and Rigo) get on the bus. The older son deliberately throws a fit and acts in ways that cause several women to think I'm a bad mom. Vivian, however, wasn't snowed, so I liked her for that. Then I'm holding the young one on my back, with his blanket wrapped around him. He's asleep and I'm pacing to keep him asleep. As I pace, I look down at my feet and notice how well I'm walking and then as I watch, I slow down and mid-step, I'm unable to go on. I am amazed at how delicate the process all is. As I talk on the recorder, I see a cardboard that is really a space ship. I want to go. Someone says, \"You can go,\" and wraps the cardboard around me. I am reading the directions around me. I mustn't read so many books. I should deal with people and experiences more." }, { "number": "0451", "head": "05/15/81", "content": "I'm in my chair. I see a steam vent growing into a volcano. There are 5 of them. One is right at the edge of the ocean. I sit within 3 feet of it. I am annoyed that I would sit that close to danger. Then Ginny, Ernie, and I go down the road. We stop at a store. They go in. I wait. They come out and I see by their faces that they are angry and holding it in. I say, \"Ah, you two need to have some space alone so you can argue it out and get over it.\" I then suggest that I leave. Ginny however says, \"I'll go get your syrup first,\" and goes off. I start to protest, \"It's O.K., deal with this. Don't bother with that errand,\" but she's gone. I ask Ernie, \"What happened?\" Maybe it will be helpful if he talks it out. He tells how one small incident lead to another and built up into a big deal. I try to point out that it wasn't really all Ginny's fault but he still can't see that, so I realize that I'd better let them work through it. She comes back. I look at the syrup and feel hesitant to say anything, because it's the wrong kind. It has sugar in it. I hesitantly tell her, and she feels badly. She goes to exchange it. She comes back. They won't talk about the incident. I encourage them to. Something about grandma Mildred and grandpa Lloyd in their house and then something about a baby that needs to be returned, he/she got lost." }, { "number": "0452", "head": "05/16/81", "content": "I have attracted the interest of a very wealthy man. I am a quad in a chair. He has a Cadillac convertible limousine. He puts me in the back seat with him. He asks me, \"How do you like it?\" I laugh and say, \"But it's soo big!\" A black man is the chauffeur. The rich guy smiles and says, That way you have room for all your friends.\" He says, \"I got this car for you because I don't want you to have to drive.\" I laugh and say, \"Oh ho! Well, let me tell you, I will too drive. I'll buy a van with hand controls with my own money.\" He looks upset. I say, \"Well, that doesn't mean I'll ever drive it, it just means I have to power to do it if I want to. That's called independence.\" I look at the black man who is driving and we exchange meaningful glances at my word independence and being in a southern city. \"In fact,\" I say, \"people have been known to fight wars over this very issue!\" We're now walking down a boardwalk where very poor black people live and we can see into their tiny rooms where they are terribly overcrowded. I comment that a part of one drawer is each persons private area and they would kill to preserve that privacy. As I talk, we walk past people who pee on the sidewalk. One woman pees on my leg. I am annoyed with the odor and wish I had thought to walk around behind her instead of in front of her." }, { "number": "0453", "head": "05/19/81", "content": "A road is quickly laid down on a hill. I see the coarse gravel and rocks quickly smoothing out. I see the tar poured over it. I start to walk on the new road. I say in my dream, \"Oh, it's now hard and can support my weight,\" but it's not. I see my feet prints in the new tar. The road is slipping. There are printed words and marks on the road and they are slipping so they don't match up. I roll off the edge to take my weight off the road until it hardens. As I lay to the side, a woman lays behind me and she must hold on to me because if she doesn't, she'll slide over the edge. She grabs a hold of my breasts and hangs on. I turn away from her and I feel an orgasm. It feels faint, and far away. I am aware that the orgasm has nothing to do with the fact that the woman is physically close to me but has to do with the biological needs of my body." }, { "number": "0454", "head": "05/19/81", "content": "I see a dead rabbit. It is partially skinned. I see a passive smile and the eyes have been removed so I won't have to see it on my plate, like a fisheye. It is Peter Rabbit." }, { "number": "0455", "head": "05/21/81", "content": "Aunt Naomi, my mother and I are sitting at a table. Aunt Naomi is talking about past lives. I see someone changing right before my eyes. They are half-animal, a monster. I scream. Then I want to see mine. I stand up and look in a mirror. At first, I see a green face. It is ugly. Then I see an animal face, all hairy and coarse. Then I see rapid changes, like a fast chronicle of lives passing. I was a beast, a prostitute, a courtesan, and a nun in WW II. That was my last life before this one. This life is a life of transition from body, sex and egocentricity to spirituality, spiritually oriented and religious." }, { "number": "0456", "head": "05/21/81", "content": "Someone steals my wheelchair, the new neighborhood boys who live in apartment #9. They laugh at me. I feel angry. I run after them. I feel angry because I can't run well and they know it, so as I chase after them, I feel embarrassed, trapped, and manipulated. Then I notice I can run very well! I catch up with him and hop up in his lap. He laughs. I grab his glasses off his face and say, \"Give me back my chair or I'll bend your glass frames until they break.\" At first, he laughs because he doesn't think I'll do it. As I start to do it, he believes me. I feel badly because I almost really break them. I take my chair back to my van. I notice someone's pushed very close to it. My brother Jake says, \"See, if you move your van, then you have room.\"" }, { "number": "0457", "head": "05/22/81", "content": "I'm in Vietnam. 2 others and myself are defending ourselves. We form a triangle; we lay pieces of sugarless gum out to guard us. Hordes of soldiers come at us. We fire. I shoot down many helicopters. I get skilled at where I'm to aim in order to shoot off their propellers. A sense of danger and trusting the other 2 to do their share and protect my back, as I'm protecting theirs. Then I have a bag of diamonds and a bag of gold. I change my clothes from beautiful to plain so no one will know I have these riches. I am sneaking off with them." }, { "number": "0458", "head": "05/22/81", "content": "A party. Co-worker Josh stands between 2 pianos and says, \"I'm thinking (fantasizing). I'm singing now.\" I smile and say, \"Ah, but I'm the real singer.\" I replace him between the pianos. I note that one is the old one and one is the new one. Lydia and my mother are preparing the party. They release little golden canaries in the room. I think, \"They are sure pretty. I hope they don't get eaten or poop on the guests.\" The punch is red and lumpy. Lydia tastes it and says, \"Yuck. The part where the eyes aren't cooked tastes terrible!\" I try it gingerly." }, { "number": "0459", "head": "05/23/81", "content": "A man picks me up out of my wheelchair. I tell him, \"I'm not paralyzed,\" and yet, I let him pick me up." }, { "number": "0460", "head": "05/31/81", "content": "A large man with large hands and head like my grandfather Lloyd in body shape, but my age, loves me. I love him and I'm very surprised that I do. I tell him he's not the type I've been dreaming about for years. He's quiet, strong, sure of himself and emotionally supportive. I am very drawn to him but I'm afraid because I might soon get bored with him and then become attracted to another man who is adventurous, rich, and handsome. Then, I become very aware that this quiet man is exactly what I need; that there is challenge, risk, and adventure in inwardly, introspective ways. We hug. I kiss him. He puts his penis in my vagina. I help him and then I'm embarrassed because we're standing up, fully clothed and in a hallway. People could easily see us. I tell him this. He pulls back and apologizes. He says he's sorry. He just loves me so much that he couldn't wait. Then he says he knows how wrong he was. I feel like dismissing all my former bad thoughts about his actions. I do so. Later, we are making love. It is wonderful. Then doors need to be shut to keep out the upsurge of the ocean, so we want doors. I rush and shut the doors and I feel fear that it will get in anyway. An equal relationship in both of us loving each other. I feel a tremendous sense of security and relief. Finally I love someone and he's right for me." }, { "number": "0461", "head": "05/31/81", "content": "A group of people compliment me on my good work on \"Barb's Follies,\" and nonchalantly tell me they would like me to create another one on June 5...3 or 4 days away. I call for volunteers. No one shows up to help me. I feel frantic and put upon. I voice my disapproval but still I try to do what has been asked of me. Rhonda comes in. A group of nurses are around a table (or park and rec students). One says to me, \"Do you have a zip lock sandwich bag?,\" and then realizes I wouldn't because I'm not one of them. I'm disabled." }, { "number": "0462", "head": "06/11/81", "content": "A man comes into my house and rapes me. I fight viciously and brutally. I feel intense rage. I think, \"It's not just the forceful entry, it's being trained to be passive and to allow men to manipulate us.\"" }, { "number": "0463", "head": "06/11/81", "content": "I feel intense rage at Howard. I take the children away from him." }, { "number": "0464", "head": "06/11/81", "content": "I keep waking up feeling like there are 3 areas of change, and men need to respond to those changes." }, { "number": "0465", "head": "06/11/81", "content": "I volunteer to help a friend through surgery, lots of us do. I am part of a bucket brigade that holds a bucket near the hole in her head (where they are operating), and carries the putrid pus and blood away to be poured down the sink." }, { "number": "0466", "head": "06/11/81", "content": "I am being asked to sing. I say, \"I'm afraid.\" My friend (maybe Ginny) says, \"Here, wear this,\" and hands me a pretty black, lacy scarf. She looks at me and says, \"You are a lady! Act like one!\" I feel proud of my new image. It feels \"new born.\" I look lovely. We walk out, hand in hand to the stage. Ginny then cries out, \"Oh! I'll cry if Rachel loves you.\" Her feelings are hurt because Rachel loves her. I say, \"Now, I don't think she's in love with me.\" Ginny says impatiently, \"Oh, one never knows. Only the person in love knows. You can't control that.\" [BL]" }, { "number": "0467", "head": "06/23/81", "content": "Desmond and I are tap dancing. It is hard because of my ankles, but I am able to do the basic steps." }, { "number": "0468", "head": "06/24/81", "content": "Brian has made miraculous improvements. He has muscle strength, and now he speaks clearer. I am very pleased. I lay down in his wheelchair with him. He holds on to me and hugs me desperately. I start to get up, but his need is so great just to cuddle with someone, so I stay. His nurse or attendant, whom I had hired, is shocked and threatens to quit her job. I talk to her and help her understand that nothing bad happened. I just gave him some basic affection. She agrees to stay. I feel relieved. I think I was reassuring myself as much as her. Later, Brian walks in, leaning on others. I start applauding, and others join in. There is feeling of joy." }, { "number": "0469", "head": "07/15/81", "content": "A Columbine flower. I must eat its poison berry to get well. A newborn baby girl is handed to me. I love it and I feel very happy. It's wrapped in a pink blanket. It has brown, thick, curly hair with reddish highlights. I caress it and exclaim, \"How nice! Look Ellie, now there are two of you with the same hair coloring and two blondes.\" Then we're in a trailer house/camper and it's tumbling over and over. I protect the baby by making a circle with my arms and holding my body around her. I am concerned for her safety. [BL]" }, { "number": "0470", "head": "07/16/81", "content": "I am teaching a young girl princess to act. The scene is a couch. It's a seduction scene. I tell her that the night before a performance, I go to the theatre and look at the stage and visualize the performance. The girl asks me if I like her. I say, \"Yes.\" I do like her. She is glad because she thought I didn't. We're done rehearsing and we start back. She rides with me in a go-cart wheelchair. We come to some stairs. I say, \"We have to get out and walk down the stairs.\" Then I say, \"Wait here, I have to go talk to someone.\" I ask permission to talk to Jim E. His secretary says, \"O.K., but his assistant is with him.\" I say, \"Fine.\" I go in. They (he and his wife), are in the process of going bankrupt (his wife's business). As I listen to them, I think, \"Why didn't I do it that way?,\" (Jim E had suggested that each salesman be given part payment in cash). I don't remember why I want to talk to him." }, { "number": "0471", "head": "07/23/81", "content": "Humphrey Bogart is my husband. I am Lauren Bacall. He calls me \"Baby.\" We are in a car. A boy lays down on the road. We see him and don't back up over him. He runs away up some cement stairs to his parents. We follow so we can meet the parents and tell what happened. We meet them. The woman is a black woman, and the man is white. I say, \"Oh, how coincidental. My husband (Bogart) is black and I am white. We were meant by fate to meet and get to know each other." }, { "number": "0472", "head": "08/04/81", "content": "I am at the beach with my girls. They are distant form me. I see Ellie has on revealing clothes. I call to her to get her to change. She ignores me. Paulina refuses to cooperate and help clean a room. I'm picking up rocks, crystals, and gold and eating some of the gold ones. A plane (bi-plane WWI) flies over, very low, and does barnstorming tricks. It dives very low and then at the last second, it pulls up and narrowly misses the trees. On the second try, it can't go high enough fast enough. I have been enjoying watching but I knew he'd not make it that time. He was too daring. He flew the plane into the ocean, he keeps going even though he's under water. I want to see; I am thrilled and fascinated. I get in my van ( and I'm in my wheelchair), and drive to a little beach to see him. A man says I can't see him there. I'm a tourist. A woman in a wheelchair sits at my left. She thinks I'm part of the \"family\" and she says she's part of the \"Jan\" set. The man goes to her and is suspicious. He says he didn't recognize her in the chair. I go on my way, walking. I wonder if they're surprised that I walk. I go to class. It's on the beach at sunrise. I watch a class start in the ocean but it's too cold for them. I think it's funny. I think my teacher is egocentric and has an elevated opinion of himself. I see a list of books on classes. I'm not sure what class I'm in but I get impatient for it to start. I say, \"When does class start?\" I wake up with the phrase \"Summer school is about to begin!\"" }, { "number": "0473", "head": "08/10/81", "content": "A black man, powerful, with a fist and a pointing finger in place of his head, pointed at white man pretending to be a jiving black man. He pointed at him and said in a very powerful voice, \"Don't mess with the L.\" It was so strong that the jiver fell to his knees clutching the belt of the big guy and stammered. \"No, I won't. I promise.\" He was thoroughly impressed with the strength of the statement \"Don't mess with the lady!\"" }, { "number": "0474", "head": "08/12/81", "content": "I go to a crystal ball reader. He's late so I go into the room to wait. I go peek in the ball. I'm curious. It is clean. I see nothing. I want to though. I sense the reader smiling to himself. I'm not supposed to look into the crystal ball but he knew I'd try. As I leave, I am reading a newsletter. The reader has published my story. He tells of my back history, disease, marriage, and mistaken beliefs, but points out how changed I am now, how good and smart and neat I am. I am embarrassed but also glad. It's about time I get recognized for my positive side. Ginny comes in and mentions I owe a penny here and there on past postage. I am embarrassed and say, \"Yes, I meant to pay that but I just put it off. I'll do it.\" [BL]" }, { "number": "0475", "head": "08/28/81", "content": "Leonard Nimoy and I are climbing a snow covered mountain. There are dangerous avalanches high up. I see them as small and far away and feel some anxiety about it coming too close. I stand on a large bridge high up over a huge and deep river. I say, \"At least here I am safe.\" Then I say, \"Unless of course, there are earthquakes.\" Someone says, \"You don't have to say that!\" Leonard and I go on. I see a room. It is a secret room for Leonard. I look in the window and I see metal boxes and things. Leonard is married. I follow him into the room. I think, \"He is a renaissance man.\" I am drawn to him because of his excellent skills in thinking, creativity, art, etc. As I go in, Leonard has placed himself in a metal thing which clamps his head painfully. It's small like he has to curl up like a baby to fit in it. I watch and feel sad for his pain. I turn to go out the door. He says, \"No! Shut the door and lock it. Make sure the cat doesn't get out, a large black cat.\" I hesitate and then do so because his need for me to do that is very strong. I wait wedged into a corner near the door. Then he grows long legs that pop out of the machine. Then he gets out of the machine. He is very tall. He leans over to embrace me and then shrinks as he falls to his knees and places his head on my breasts and hugs me closely. I comfort him. He stands up very tall and hugs and kisses me. We go lie down to make love." }, { "number": "0476", "head": "08/28/81", "content": "I am driving a car but I'm sitting in the back seat, reaching over into the front seat. Lucy is steering (she is blind). I have control of start/stop. She has control of direction. I see for her and tell her how to turn. I am feeling anxious because we could have an accident. I am driving in the snow. I want to turn right. She doesn't turn in time. We go on too far and then swing around just in time. The tire tracks look like Irish fisherman knit patterns on the snow." }, { "number": "0477", "head": "08/28/81", "content": "I audition for a play. I do well. I start to leave thinking I didn't do so well and some woman finds me in a crowd and says, \"Come up and audition some more.\" I follow her up to the stage. I do a show. It is well received." }, { "number": "0478", "head": "09/09/81", "content": "A frightening dream. I went to a party. Everyone is drinking, laughing, and frenetic. I hesitate to join them. They swirl around me, encouraging me to join them. Darryl sits across from me. He teases me and says something about a girl he used to know. I feel the same old distance from him (placed by him). I call him Howard and feel embarrassed. A lot of people disappear. The party seems to have moved on down the street, maybe to Aunt Elaine's house. I belatedly want to join them now. I drink some wine. I feel slightly high. Instead, I end up in my living room. An Uncle and a cousin are there. I greet them. I laugh at my cousin because he carries a rifle on his shoulder everywhere he goes. I say, \"How silly, you are getting carried away.\" A man then appears at the door. He's smiling gently and wants me to join the party. I feel a desire and a fear to go. There is some danger to me if I go. I clutch my cousin and say, \"Look at my hand. See the bullet wounds?\" He looks. He says, \"There is poison here, you've been poisoned.\" The man beckons me to come to the party. I realize then that they've gotten their poison into me, but not quite enough. I still can resist. I say, \"I don't want to be a part of your project.\" It is hard for me to say because the drug makes me want to go. I say it several times and he just stands there waiting for me, because he knows the drug is powerful. I'll be sucked into another being like in the invasion of the body snatchers. I run to my \"dad\" and plead with him, telling him I don't want to, and to please help! I'm trying to but I'm growing weaker. \"Please help me!\" He doesn't respond to me other than to weakly smile at me to acknowledge that he has heard me. I grab my cousin, who before I had seen as weak and silly and cling to him, hugging him hard, hanging on like he was my anchor to that room. Then a fat lady, mostly naked is dancing at a party. Her husband picks her up off the floor and makes love to her. He is detached, fully clothed, and his back is to me. She is fully exposed. I see her vagina. I see her face clearly. A prim blonde woman sits rigidly beside them. I am shocked. This is on T.V. After he's done, the man sticks a fat piece of paper in the blonde woman's mouth. She is disgusted. It's a symbol of a large penis. Her red lipstick forms an \"o\" around it. Then I am upstairs in my bedroom. I wake up from a nightmare. I run downstairs, crying, \"The little men are inside my stomach!\" I'm crying. My Uncle or grandfather soothes me. He says, \"No, it isn't possible. I've been barricading the stairs for you all night.\" I am not comforted. I go back upstairs. I sit on the bed and hug my nanny. She is an old square robot, and not very sophisticated. I ask it, \"Why aren't there any nice men for me?\" It says, \"Look, there are,\" and shows me two of them (on a screen on its chest). I say, \"But if I take them, what will be left for my brother!\" Nanny laughs and shows me many women for Dwight. I am still worried. Then I'm at a dance, watching the musicians. One can't find his banjo. Then he finds it and sees that something has eroded the outside. I realize that what ever \"they\" touch, corrodes like that and that \"they\" are there. I turn and the man is standing there, smiling. He says, \"It's so close. We almost had you.\" I try to resist." }, { "number": "0479", "head": "10/31/81", "content": "I had two dreams about Michael. Both times he sat a short distance from me with his back to me. Then he moved closer and sat very near but not touching. I shyly reached out and rubbed his foot with my foot. I wanted us to be closer but I didn't make any moves to make it happen." }, { "number": "0480", "head": "11/09/81", "content": "A man and his friend are going to steal a giant roll of toilet paper. The man sneaks into a room. He calls to his friend to help as he starts to back out of the room. The door opens and he backs right into a tall, large guy who wears black, thick-framed glasses. The big guy backs the man into the wall and starts to French kiss him. The man is paralyzed with fear. I want him to run away but everything is frozen. His friend hops into a large pair of overalls to try to help the man get away." }, { "number": "0481", "head": "11/09/81", "content": "I am in bed with my brother Dwight and my father. Dwight lays with his arm across my breasts. It is sensual, pleasant, and relaxed. Then he says, \"No, I will want more. This is incest.\" He rolls over on his stomach and lies rigid, not touching me. My father, on the other side of Dwight, raises up and yawns. He says he's going to go have lunch now. My mother is in another room. She comes in frowning." }, { "number": "0482", "head": "11/15/81", "content": "The telephone repair men are walking in the front door. They are annoyed. I am in the kitchen with Judy S. and another woman, cooking hamburgers and franks. Hector and Preston are in the living room. We are having a quarrel. The telephone repair man interrupts our quarrel and asks if I can find a piece of wood for him. I say, \"I'll look in the car.\" I go outside. There are many repair men out there, dressed in blue, holding blue wires. I go to the car, a blue station wagon. Blue sexy dresses (lacy, soft night gowns), are hung on the back of the car. I look. There's no wood. I gather up the nighties to take in before anyone steals them. A girl with me has tried to steal the sexiest, most feminine one. I ask for it and she returns it. Then I say, \"The wood is probably in my workshop.\" I walk around the right of the house to the back. There is a steep set of stairs to the basement, a large old house, like a mansion. I have recently inherited it from my grandmother Agnes. As I step on the stairs to go down, I am suddenly afraid of falling. I hang on tightly to the rails and look carefully at where I put my feet. I see a set of Britannica Encyclopedias on a shelf to the left. I then go down the stairs. I see 4 or 5 grand pianos and organs like in a music store. I turn right and go into the workshop. There are many drawers full of forgotten riches and junk. I think, \"I must go through all of this stuff. Some of it will be useful and enjoyable.\" I start opening drawers, and I find dishes, silverware, repetitions of items and paintbrushes. I find one that is the correct size of wood handle for the repair man and he goes away. Now Ginny and I are looking around. I find my old piano lesson books, color coded. I put them into a correct order. Then I find a record of my lessons on the piano. The date is 1956. I figured I was 12 years old. I am interested in looking through the book. I see lines of color. Clear color means O.K. Red means a mistake is corrected. I see only a few reds. There are lots of light greens and dark greens in the left hand position. I try to find out what that color means." }, { "number": "0483", "head": "12/01/81", "content": "A phrase, \"The War's Over.\" I am a Queen. My hair is combed to look like roses. I see my bed in a field. War planes are taking off right over it. I think, \"How sad.\" She/I can't sleep well this way. I see a stage now. A famous opera singer/dancer performs. Her face is cold, emotionless. A light is around her. She's seen even in a crowd. I'm now a princess. The Queen on my left and I walk down the stairs to the stage. It's a formal ceremony to honor the singer. I put my hand out to rest it on the Queen's arm and then I remember that rank-wise, it is for her to do. We reverse and she puts her hand on my arm. I think to myself as we walk slowly down the stairs, \"The singer had better appreciate this.\" She doesn't. She is very haughty." }, { "number": "0484", "head": "12/01/81", "content": "I'm doing dishes. The crusty stuff won't come off. I am annoyed at myself for not just letting the dish soak. Bonnie pours water into a plant. It comes pouring out the bottom and all over. I get mad at her and she gets mad at me." }, { "number": "0485", "head": "12/02/81", "content": "The stray kittens plead for food. They are very hungry. I feel badly for them. I look in the refrigerator. I find some sugar cakes and some cheese. I am dressing up to go out on a date. It's a conservative outfit, but as soon as I'm out the door, I'll readjust the front and it will be very sexy. There's a bruise on my neck. I have a belt around my neck and then I put it around my waist. My kids watch. I go outside, stairs. I say, \"Where's the elevator?\" They say, \"No problem. You can go up the stairs.\" I am annoyed. It will be painful. I go up one flight. Then I sit down and say, \"No, I'll go in the elevator. These stairs don't go where I want anyway.\" (they went back doors). I see penguins that live on the stairs. If radio activity gets bad, they die and then we know. Some lie down dead. [BL]" }, { "number": "0486", "head": "01/11/82", "content": "I'm standing in an open field. It's the safest place. No trees can fall on me, etc. There are many space crafts in the air. We are launching a car at the moon. A large rectangular craft throws the car. It is difficult. I watch the car slowly lumber toward the moon. I hope it is successful. 3 men escort me to a \"safer\" place. I protest. I was in the safest place and I want to return. One of the men (a friend), tells me about his father having a heart attack last night and I feel badly. I tell him that it wasn't his fault. I go back to the center of the field and stand. I see a huge Japanese ship coming close. Then I see many small round space crafts. One comes right over me and hovers over my head. I feel nervous and protest, \"This as an invasion of privacy.\" It reads what's in my mind!" }, { "number": "0487", "head": "06/01/82", "content": "Corinne is swimming and sees a boat, a row boat under the water. She points at it and dives to bring it up. I get worried. She's down too long. I yell at Uncle Lionel, \"Can I borrow your row boat with a motor?\" I get in and Dwight and Lydia come with me. We help get it up and put it (small and crumpled) into Lionel's boat. Lydia sees two prettily painted red oars. We go back to shore and discover we're wearing old-fashioned swim suits. We've gone back in time! Lydia is jabbering and bragging about it and I give her a long intense lecture about keeping her mouth shut. \"I don't want anyone to know, so we can get back to our own time!\"" }, { "number": "0488", "head": "09/01/82", "content": "Wednesday. Two little dark haired boys are sleeping in a huge bed. The littlest one is restless and curls up next to the other one. He gets mad and pushes the little one away. The little one rolls off the bed with a big thump. He gets back in bed and says, \"Let's look at the dragons.\" We then see the wall at the foot of the bed from his point of view. My cousin Sonja and I are in the audience watching. She asks, \"What is it?\" I say, \"You'e never seen the tree leave shadows dance on your wall at night?\" The shadows dance. We are hushed and nervous. Then one, then 2, then 4 dragon shapes sit in the trees. One is the little boys teddy bear with horns. \"Isn't that cute?,\" we say. He gets scared and we feel it too. He yells. The only thing we can do is shut our eyes and go to sleep. He clamps his eyes shut tightly and the forms all disappear and it is absolutely silent. He peeks with one eye. It all comes back. He \"sleeps\" rigidly. His mother comes in with a young lady, his sister. She blows out two candles that had been making the forms and says to the sister, \"They've been sleeping here since you've gone from the attic and been to Europe for a year.\"" }, { "number": "0489", "head": "09/02/82", "content": "Thursday. 3 men, one an ex-lover, feels like Hector, are in a room. He comes to me and asks if I'd be willing to sleep with him for \"old times sake.\" I smile and feel happy and say, \"Yes.\" We walk off together. It's happy and sad." }, { "number": "0490", "head": "09/04/82", "content": "Saturday. Lots and lots of little cute fuzzy kittens are playing under my feet. I have to step very carefully so as not to hurt them. They belong to my mother. I ask her where my toothbrush is. She says, \"I put it with mine.\" I go to her room slowly as the kitties pile under my feet. At first I can't find it. I break a pretty vase. Then I find the brushes in a box at the foot of her bed. My grandma Agnes asks me if I need help finishing my needle work projects. I say, \"No,\" and start listing the projects. She says, \"Don't forget to finish your name on your tummy.\" By the time I finish listing my projects, I regret not accepting her offered help." }, { "number": "0491", "head": "09/04/82", "content": "There are aliens under the mud in a lake. I see a hand reaching up to get me as I paddle on the surface in an inner tube. Later, a film all garbled and I recognize it is a movie taken by the aliens of my butt and my garbled (through water speech). I realize they were talking about me." }, { "number": "0492", "head": "09/09/82", "content": "Thursday. I'm sitting in the front row of an audience. Soon it's my turn to go up and do another performance of B.'s Follies. I can't remember the words to the songs. I ask my singing partner (Rosemary). She shrugs her shoulders. She doesn't remember either. I ask Dolores. She doesn't remember. My grandmother Mildred is playing songs on an organ as warm-ups. I'm crying and frantic. I'm panicked. I search through old papers for the words. I don't find the right papers. Dolores reminds me for the second time that it's time to take attendance. I snap at her, \"Later. I have to find the words first.\" I am angry at her insensitivity. I'm panicked and angry at my unpreparedness. I said, \"Why didn't I prepare better?\"" }, { "number": "0493", "head": "09/09/82", "content": "I'm getting on a bus to go to a performance of B.'s Follies. Preston is going to drive. He presses his nose on the window. I ask him if he has the words. He makes a funny face. I say in Spanish, \"Tu nariz esta en la ventana?\" He touches it like he's a little boy." }, { "number": "0494", "head": "09/09/82", "content": "A famous woman like India's prime minister is walking down the street. She sees a car with a man in it and then a car with a woman in it. She has a premonition that the man will try to run over her and the woman will save her. As it starts to happen, I am her. I see the car coming at me and I throw myself up against a wall in defeat because I'm trapped. Then I think, \"Oh, how awful,\" and turn around in the nick of time and leap straight up seconds before he hits me. I roll over the top of the car. I yell at him, \"You almost killed me!\" He smiles and shrugs. I say, \"Give me your name and insurance.\" He gives me a card. I say, \"I'll bet this is the wrong phone number.\" He grins. I say, \"I'll take your license number. It is RE 7-12.\" I memorize it and then walk toward school. As I near the door, I see him walking, whistling happily behind me. I say sarcastically, \"Here, allow me,\" and I open the door for him. He shrugs and accepts. As we walk in he says, \"You aren't ever going to forgive me, are you?\" He sounds upset like he doesn't understand why I'd hold a grudge on such a minor thing." }, { "number": "0495", "head": "09/10/82", "content": "Friday. Nate follows me around. I'm vacationing at the beach. He wants to be with me and push me around in my manual wheelchair. I am exasperated but permit him to. As we come to a steep hill that ends in the sand, he lets go of the manual chair and stands and watches me. I make a decision to help myself down the hill, although it will be difficult. I make it safely. I am amazed at Nate but realize that I knew it would happen. I half-push, half-crawl through the sand. I go into the surf. A huge brown wave comes from the shore side. I am nearly drowned. I am afraid and tell Ginny, \"I'm going onto shore. This is too rough and dangerous.\" I struggle back to shore. Ginny and two women are supportive, emotionally." }, { "number": "0496", "head": "09/16/82", "content": "I am the piano teacher. My pupil is a young man. We start warm up exercises in duo. We sound great on the scales. It sounds like Beethoven. Co-worker Tyler is in the audience. Bruce is also. They are favorably impressed. I say, \"It's time to begin,\" and then I start to say, \"You need to...\" Ethan smiles and says, \"Aren't I ever gentle?\" He says just before I do, \"Yes, with gentle people.\" [BL]" }, { "number": "0497", "head": "10/14/82", "content": "I am a mother of 2 children. One of them has a badly withered leg like Dana. Some woman is doing clothes. She pauses and then stops and gets her beautiful velvet bible and goes out on the porch to read her bible. I call my son over. I start tap dancing and call my daughter over. I encourage her to hold our hands so we can circle dance. At first, he laughs embarrassedly but he's pleased. I keep him practicing and working on it. After a time, his leg looks different, stronger. He still has a limp but almost walks normally! I am so happy and impressed. I go to the woman on the porch. We are all amazed and I look at the bible in wonder. He walks out to where the guys are playing baseball. They let him play, out of pity. Then he hits one. It's a fly and the guy at first base catches it, but he has run so quickly that no one notices he is out. They are so shocked that he can run. Then he does 2 runs legally. As long as he hits the ball far out so he has more time, he is successful. One person says, \"See, he's still not good enough.\" He says, \"Well, I'll learn to be an excellent hitter. I can hit anything.\" The coach comes out (like Chuck), and says, \"I'll send you my slow curvy pitch and see.\" Then a woman says, \"No let me.\" She's a very good pitcher. I am watching on the side lines through plastic windows that cloud up or distort the picture. Then I find a place to see clearly. She's dressed in an evening gown and is going to throw 2 champagne glasses. He backs up, scared. She struts around, arrogantly, flaunting her strength and cunningness. Then he comes out, big and dressed up in a tux carrying an image of his little self on his back to show how powerful he is! Then many images come out, wave after wave, and drive the woman out of the ball park. A woman says to me, \"Now, that's macho!\" I said, \"Ya! So true. She stood up to him tall and true and showed her strength. It scared him, so he had to run her out! He's not that carting. His image created by fear is just visually big.\" He comes back in and says, \"She's gone.\"" }, { "number": "0498", "head": "10/15/82", "content": "I go into cafeteria similar to L.C.C. Some convention has filled it up. I go to a cafe near by, but there's no room. I finally find a stand and buy a scrawny half sandwich for $1.19. I try to pay in pesos and then I find American money. I'm not satisfied with my purchase. It's not enough and it's so costly. Then I go to a meeting. As I come to the closed door, the leader comes out. He is a cat. He stands up and paws my suit jacket where he is going to up the name tag. I turn my head away to the left. I find being near him distasteful. I go in. The room is lined with women of all different shapes and styles, but they are all confused or sad, or uncomfortable. It's like a re-entry workshop for women. Most of us have on bright red clothes. The cat leader changes; sometimes he's a man, sometimes a woman, and sometimes a cat." }, { "number": "0499", "head": "10/16/82", "content": "I am sitting on a couch. Tomas is there. I am surprised. Then it's night. It's time to go to bed. I am wearing see through undies that are very sexy. I turn on a light so I can see my way on the path to the next \"room\" house where we all sleep. I get there late. 4 or 5 people are already in the beds. They say, \"You can sleep on the floor.\" A man touches the carpet to show me how soft it is. He likes me. I don't like it, but I lay down." }, { "number": "0500", "head": "10/16/82", "content": "I am going down main street in M City looking for a sale on film. I have a long and meticulous list from my father. He was serious and told me to write down the numbers exactly. I feel a little nervous that I might forget them or make a mistake. When I get to a store, I realize that I have to wait until he sends the film for me to get prices for developing. I leave the store and start walking back down the street. A salesman from the store follows me. Then I see two men, one looking for work, seated on a train or something. I think he's me. Across from him is the salesman. The man asks the salesman if he likes his work. The salesman is ecstatic. Oh yes, he loves it, there isn't any better job etc. The man says, \"That's the positive side, now tell me what you hate about your job.\" The salesman slumps and appears more honest. He says, \"Well, no one will believe you, or give you a loan.\" The man says, \"Ah, that's more like it.\"" }, { "number": "0501", "head": "10/16/82", "content": "A pretty lady in an old fashioned dress, red, is walking with her sister, who has some limp in her leg. They are talking. The younger one says, \"I'll push you in the pond.\" The one in red says angrily, \"Don't you dare! You'd better not.\" The younger one actually does it. It's a cloudy, cold glacier of green water. She's under for awhile; all those skirts are weighing her down. Then she's up and angry. She pulls the younger one in. The she starts to help the younger one out. The younger one lets her gimpy legs go limp and doesn't help. The one in red gets angry and says, \"Don't you do that! You always suicide when I'm helping you. Use your legs!\" When that doesn't work, she threatens to tell papa. Then the younger one \"wakes up\" and says, \"No, don't do that, O.K.,\" and they get out of the pool, as the younger one is still explaining why not to call papa. She is afraid to be seen as helpless and not trying by him." }, { "number": "0502", "head": "10/17/82", "content": "I go into a bedroom. I see a man I kind of like through the window. I close the curtains. I feel sexually turned on. I thumb tack the curtains shut, very carefully, and go to the bed and experience a quick orgasm. Then I am some \"wonder\" creature and I am patrolling the outside of the school building. A terrible mean creature threatens me. He's after me. He grows tall in his attempt to catch me as I fly up very rapidly to keep out of his dangerous reach. I go very high very fast. All I can see is the tip of his huge finger as he rushes up to get me. My only hope is to out last him. We hit rarified air; we're nearly out of atmosphere. He finally weakens and crumbles out of sight. I am relieved because I was at the end of my endurance. I fly/fall back down keeping a wary eye open in case. Then I'm being wheeled to the stadium where I'll entertain the troops. I pass a barrack. There is a sign in the window. It says \"Star.\" I hear the guys talking about how if the light is on, they can come talk to the star, if not, then she doesn't want company. They really hope the light will be on. I feel smug because unbeknownst to them, I am the star, and the light will be on!" }, { "number": "0503", "head": "10/19/82", "content": "I am flirting with Tomas and Preston, kissing. I have decided they are O.K. Then the door opens and Hector comes in. We kiss passionately and lovingly. I have missed him so and I'm so glad to see him. He wants to buy me presents. I see a huge glass bowl, delicate, expensive, and beautiful. I hesitate. He says, \"Get it; it's yours. It's O.K.\" I take it and admire it. Then I get some other things too." }, { "number": "0504", "head": "10/26/82", "content": "I have a room full of people, a class or something. One of my students is a good-looking young man but he's a quad and he hates it. He has a bad attitude. He' withdrawn and hostile. Some girls come in, selling used books for $2.00. I buy one for him with his money. Then I buy one for me because it's such a bargain. I get too much change and quietly keep it. I have some guilt. It's Mexican pesos. I tell him that she liked him. She had smiled at him. He gets very angry! \"Don't tell me that!\" I grab his shoulders and shake him and pull him up so he has to look at me and say, \"It's your attitude that's paralyzed, the disability is not the problem.\"" }, { "number": "0505", "head": "10/22/82", "content": "It is Friday at 20 of 6. I am packing my briefcase to go home after a long week. I'm standing up. I see Dana coming towards my office. I feel tired and annoyed. I think, \"Where's Andrea?,\" and I realize she's gone home and can't be reached by phone. I see I'm the only one around to help. I sigh. He comes in, sits down and sighs. He tells me how depressed and lonely he is and how he's thinking of suicide again. I resent his clinging to me emotionally. I guess he feels that he gets to talk out of the office. He says that he'll go now and maybe find someone else or maybe kill himself. I really get annoyed now because he's playing a manipulative game. I firmly yell down the hall, \"Get back here! I'll work with you for 25 minutes. Quit playing these games! If you continue playing them, I'll wash my hands of you and you can do what you will with your life.\" He comes back angry at me. He wants sex. I say, \"No, I don't want to.\" He says I'm mean, that I have no feelings and that I don't care for him. I say, \"I care for you as a human being. I'll hug you, but that's all.\" He grabs me hard like he'll never let go. I hug him, truly feeling care for him. Then I release him and send him on his way. I' feeling food! I'd done what I could and left room and energy for me. I said no to a \"stray kitten!\" [BL]" }, { "number": "0506", "head": "10/31/82", "content": "I am in a horseback riding class, for beginners. I am learning to gallop. At first, I bounce around poorly, but I quickly gain expertise and leg strength. I enjoy galloping and I try to race with others that have more experience. I run around and around the race track and win. Then I am aware that in order to win, I had to make my horse work very hard. I take my horse back to the barn. I get food and drink and a brush to rub the horse with. The horse is very grateful and I enjoy making it more comfortable. After all, we're a team. I can't win races without her." }, { "number": "0507", "head": "11/01/82", "content": "A man wants to make love to me. I don't want him. He follows me around with a hard-on. My mother tells me to change my clothes. I say, \"Not here! I'll do it in the bathroom.\" She says, \"No, here will be fine.\" I say, \"He's in the room.\" She says, \"That's O.K.\" I get my undies, all lacy, and my black nylons and garters. I go to the closet to dress. He is constantly near, wanting me. I tell him I won't marry him. Some people are surprised. I go to school. The class is lined up for a marathon running race. He is supposed to go with the other half of the class, but he's in my line. He makes a false start. We all groan and wait for him to get back. Then the race starts. I out run him and then I am tired with the male winner. The crowd is pleased and surprised. The announcer says, \"It's 100 yards to go and it's tied!\" I put out all I have and I win by a nose (or rather a knee). The Queen is impressed. I even have my own stamps for the letters I'll send to tell people I won. Everyone is impressed." }, { "number": "0508", "head": "11/13/82", "content": "Burt Reynolds is in a small row boat. He's going down a river with lots of rapids. An old man and an old woman talk. They are disappointed that their usually excellent communication system is not working as well. It's because of that that Burt was in some danger." }, { "number": "0509", "head": "11/13/82", "content": "I had my yarn shop again. I was disappointed. I moved it from my living room to a shop. It was in disorder. A woman came to the shop looking for a bulky yarn. I didn't have the right size. It was pink, dusty pink. I wanted to make the sale because I didn't want my shop to fail again. I suggested that she buy a double amount and double the yarn but in the same breath said, \"No, because it would be too costly for you.\"" }, { "number": "0510", "head": "11/14/82", "content": "I am in Mexico. Dovre and I are in a sort of shower stall. She's hanging onto a bar or rail, like a metal chin bar. She says she can't move it. I get up there and help her bend it. It's like a competition of strength. It's friendly. I am still stronger (and wiser). We laugh. I get down and step outside. I simultaneously realize that I am naked and that there are three mean men out there that see me. I go inside quickly. They come to the door. I get it locked but it's so flimsy. I send Dovre to get help. I am afraid. Holes keep appearing in the door. Their fingers can curl over the top of the door. They have razors. I hold a razor blade in a handle. I timidly try to defend myself by cutting them. Every time I hurt them and draw blood, I stop, because I am afraid that if I hurt them, they'll hurt me more and I don't like to hurt them. A man's penis sneaks in and gets into my vagina. I am frozen with disgust. I start to cut it off with the razor and draw blood, and then stop because of the aforementioned reason. They are horrible men full of anger and don't care about me at all. The police siren is heard and the men run away. There is just outside the door, a sort of hot tub pool of \"clean water\" and near it, to the right, the sea water (in Spanish, the mar), that comes in and out and splashes over into the clear water. I don't want them to be mixed (I decided the answer is that I am afraid some one would rape me if I get into a relationship)." }, { "number": "0511", "head": "11/14/82", "content": "I dreamed that I was expecting my boyfriend back. He'd been in the Navy. A man and a woman (like Hector's parents) came into the kitchen where I was doing the dishes. I was happy to see them. We greeted each other in a Spanish way. It was full of formalities and affection. They and I knew \"Harry\" was coming in, so they left the room for their bedroom. I had my back to the kitchen door but still \"saw\" Harry come in behind me. I turned. I was very glad to see him. I walked to him smiling. He was equally glad to see me. As we embraced, a grocery sack with 6 packs of beer that he was holding was between us. He kissed me once, then twice, each time more lingering. He said passionately, \"Here, put the beer in the fridge and come here!\" My brother Dwight, who had come in behind him, said, \"Whoa! I guess I'll go sit in the car.\" I had been putting the beer into the fridge. I noticed that \"Harry\" (it was Norman), had written letters and messages to me on the beer cartons. I read one about the president getting him enlisted into the navy. I picked up a little Budweiser and gave it to Dwight and said, \"Here. There's a pool room in the next room, turn to the left.\" He gratefully went in there. As \"Harry\" and I started to move together to embrace, I heard Dwight thinking about where the light switch was. I went in to assist him. I turned on the light and said, \"Is that better?\" I turned and saw 3 cats. 2 of them were Darryl's and I thought, \"I'm glad I didn't get a kitten since Darryl has 2.\" I stepped on one orange male cat who meowed meanly and put his claws into my foot. I shook him off and sat next to Darryl. He had a beer carton. It had my name \"Barb Sanders,\" and under it, \"Jen.\" In one corner it said, \"Uncle Tom, 1961,\" referring to a war incident that was potentially dangerous. We chatted." }, { "number": "0512", "head": "11/15/82", "content": "Death and sexuality all wrap up together." }, { "number": "0513", "head": "11/15/82", "content": "I am a wondrous creature from another planet. No one knows. I live with a family. I go up an attic hole to a special room where I can connect with my power machine when needed. I am warned by my \"younger brother\" that some member of the family is my deadly enemy, one of my own kind. I use my x-ray vision and see that it is my \"older brother.\" We lock into deadly combat. It's all I can do to just hang on to his head so his teeth don't sink into me! We struggle for a long time, growling and hissing. He gets his teeth into my finger. I feel the pain and grow weary of feeling it. My \"younger brother\" comes to my rescue and holds its head by the hair. We are in the air, going higher than the buildings. I am growing tired. He knows it and waits. He knows he's stronger than me. He taunts me and smiles. He offers me his wallet that has little red energy pills and some green herbal stuff that he uses to grow strength with. I crumple it all up and I drift down to the Earth. He is surprised. He expected me to eat it so he would have me. I suddenly grow very long and powerful and zap him with a death ray. I had to be so quick because if I didn't go fast enough, he'd counter and reflect it back to me. I went so fast, that I had no time to warn my \"younger brother.\" I had to kill him too. I knew that. I am sad about it but it was necessary for my survival. I send the message, \"I'm sorry\" right after the death ray. It surprises my enemy. He didn't know that I had matured enough to have this capability. He explodes into a million pieces and drifts to Earth. So does my \"younger brother\"." }, { "number": "0514", "head": "11/15/82", "content": "Dolores comes to my office and cries because she had worked so hard to set up this workshop for George, and George had told her that I had done it for him. She can't win for losing. I feel sorry for her and angry at George." }, { "number": "0515", "head": "11/16/82", "content": "I'm at a party. Doug is there. He asks me my opinion on a speech. I had him his written opinion and say, \"I agree with you.\" I notice there are two parties. I become interested in a member of the other party. That's not kosher. Then it's a war. I swim a long way to an island looking for my soldier friend. We meet. I am a general. Their general follows us with the intent of blowing us up. My soldier turns out to have joined us. He finds bullet packs left by their general. He puts them in deep water. We are followed by their soldier. He (mine) says to me, \"Wait here. You are safe.\" I do so, even though I'm visible and in the path, but he is right. The guy doesn't see me. My friend kills him." }, { "number": "0516", "head": "11/18/82", "content": "I'm in a house. 3 guys are there. I'm half-standing, half-sitting informally on a chair. Two of the guys are lounging near, leaning on the chair or sitting on the arm of the chair. We are quite close. It is sensual and pleasant. We are talking about a traffic ticket I got. It cost me $27.00. They say they got one once, and it was only $119.00. Mine was for speeding so it cost more. My girls come in. We're getting ready to go somewhere and then I can't find them. I go looking. One of the guys is Zach. He follows me and stays near. It's pleasant. I am equally aware of his presence and the search for my girls. I am upstairs. I look down over the balcony rail. I see Dovre who is a cat nursing her baby kittens, 2 mal cats (male but I left the \"e\" off mal) approach. I say, \"I didn't know Dovre had kittens!\" I am surprised and a little shocked. I don't like the looks of the male cats. They look threatening. As I'm leaning over the rail, Zach leans over on me, gently. I realize he's interested in me sexually and I caress his leg with my foot while pretending to look over the rail. We are both happy. He has asked; I've said, \"Yes.\" We go downstairs to shoo away the bad male cats. I then see that it wasn't Dovre but it was a paper cut out of a cat and many baby kittens. It was a joke. Then, I see little paper footprints leading off through the house with lots of messages I can't understand. I pass a door. It's open and a disapproving girl/woman with black hair on a bike frowns at me. A man carrying a basket with nice breads in it stands at the door. I say, \"Pasale,\" and hope I said the right tense for respect (le, not te). Zach and I follow the little footprints." }, { "number": "0517", "head": "12/02/82", "content": "I am in my wheelchair, looking for a place to park near the theatre so I won't have to walk far. It's very crowded and I end up far away. I see an attendant, sort of a mechanic and chew him out because there is no disabled parking. He has an arrogant look on his face. He says, \"Are you one of those hippie type trouble makers?\" I look at him with some contempt and say, \"I am a counselor here at XXX.\" He is very impressed. He offers to escort me there. As we walk together, arm in arm, he smiles and asks me out. I think, \"He's only a mechanic, but it might be fun to go out for awhile.\" Then I find out that the person that is scheduled to play the Queen in the play can't, and I am to do it. I have an hour before curtain. Marti S tells me to make frowny faces to the sounds people make. We're all sitting at a table. I do so. One woman thinks I'm pretty strange. I'm nervous. I don't even know the story line much less the words! Marti S says, \"No problem, you'll do fine,\" and then goes away. I wait for her but she doesn't return. Howard is the director of the play. I tell him I'm not ready. He says, \"Sure you are.\" He has confidence in me and doesn't do anything to help me. I get a 12 hour extension. I then realize that I have the Queen characterization down very well, I just need to memorize the words. I feel that I can succeed. I wear a black ornate lacy dress and a wig. I am very regal. [BL]" }, { "number": "0518", "head": "12/05/82", "content": "I am wearing a copper suit of armor. It has fat bulges and fat legs. I say, \"Hum... no wonder it doesn't fit, it's my father's suit.\" I then see another suit. It's slimmer and it's mine. I exchange them and wear mine. The helmet face piece keeps going up and down, occasionally. Then my co-worker in a store comes to me and says, \"We had to use your other name for a sale 'B. B.'\" I didn't like it, but it was already done, and besides it was only temporary and wouldn't hurt anything. I see a dress, turquoise, slinky and beautiful." }, { "number": "0519", "head": "01/08/83", "content": "I am walking through a beautiful restaurant, white table cloths, lots of lovely, happy people, a pleasant undertone of people talking. I think, \"How nice that the inn is finally working up to its full potential.\" I am digging worms out of the fur of cats and stuffing them into a small hole in a box. It's yucky! I turn a light on, a white round globe like my bedroom light. It stops them from escaping and gooily wriggling around on the floor. A white cat doesn't have any worms. He sits in my lap at the inn very contented. A man says, \"Oh, I didn't know you loved the cat.\" He kisses its ear. The cat purrs. A happy scene." }, { "number": "0520", "head": "02/15/83", "content": "I am watching two young boys around ten years old, one white, one black. It's been a marathon struggle for hours. They are resisting merging. Then suddenly they both smile and I feel great joy because they'd become so weary they permitted the merger. They are sitting side by side on a bench and look at each other as they speak in unison because they now know each other's thoughts and operate as one. Then a woman sits beside me on my left. She reaches out and touches my shoulder. A dark haired woman suddenly sits between us and she touches my knee. There is a slight hint of sexual overtone, but not much. A disabled man, with short legs and small feet with his arm propped up on a brace, is sitting to my right. He's discussing his sexual problems. Mabel stands before us and says, \"Just like that Dr. Virginia Lee. She takes uteruses out for no reason.\" I send the dark haired woman away because she grabs my big toe and pinches my sore spot. I scream with the pain. I am angry at her because there is no pain until she hurts me and she hurts me because I reject her. Then I'm crying and I feel so sad. I say, \"I've lost Ellie because all I do is talk about my pain.\"" }, { "number": "0521", "content": "(02/20/83)(Dark haired lady). Linda is getting married. I think, \"Here's where it all starts for me.\"" }, { "number": "0522", "head": "02/21/83", "content": "It is necessary to study and learn more about femininity. I see a southern talking blonde, helpless type, and she changes into a well-dressed woman with a dark suit, a black picture hat and a red rose. She's beautiful, self-assured, and strong. Bette Davis is the director. She's pleased I've noticed I don't have to be traditional, soft and helpless to be feminine. [BL]" }, { "number": "0523", "head": "03/14/83", "content": "I am like riding with Joe, co-worker Tyler, and co-worker Jerome. They keep suggesting we stop and rest because they're afraid I'll hurt myself, go too far and stiffen up, but I know I'm healthy and capable. I'm just a little weak in the legs because I haven't built the muscles back up yet. Then we're sitting at a table and Jerome tells us how he insists to his family he must have free weekends or he will never be able to handle the confines and responsibilities and pressures of a family. He nearly cries and walks dramatically out of the room. All the women counselors go after him to give him support and sympathy and then the male counselors do too. I snicker. I know his game and refuse to go out there and support him. I note what suckers women have been led to be. Then I go out because everyone is outside. The party has changed locations. I walk up to the hugging circle, avoid Hank, and stand next to Andrea, but I don't hug her. I feel good that I didn't just automatically do it whether I liked it or not. I'm then walking Ellie and Paulina across the street, to the park. We're all barefoot and stepping very carefully over sharp rocks. I had stepped on one and now protect the girls too because it was so painful. Ellie lays down and I am dragging her. I ask her to get up and pull her own weight. Someone mentions ice cream and cake. I ask them not to eat it. They'll get fat; it's no good for them." }, { "number": "0524", "head": "04/02/83", "content": "I am dancing. I have a very wealthy guardian and this is like a debutante ball. I'm wearing a blue velvet evening gown. The gown and I are very beautiful. I dance first with one good-looking man, then with the next and then with the next. There are 3 that are the best that I am interested in. One is blond. Then two men escort me to a sort of \"throne\" chair. They simultaneously pour liquids into my champagne glass, the mixture needed to be swirled to make champagne. Outside there is a battle of airplanes and ships. Then the news is that my \"father\" must be captured or killed to prevent more war. [BL]" }, { "number": "0525", "head": "04/04/83", "content": "I am in a room with lots of other people. We are hostages or prisoners. A woman has a gun on us. She's going to kill us. I am afraid but also resolved. I must try to save myself, my daughter Ellie, and the others. She points a gun at me and says, \"If you move I'll shoot.\" I stand up. She then says, \"If you keep it up, I'll kill your daughter.\" I hug Ellie and apologize but I know this is the only way. She understands. I love her and tell her so. I then pick up a gun and fire 6 bullets into her but they must have been blanks because she's smiling at me, unharmed. I feel a little unnerved, like, \"Did I make a bad mistake?\" I call out to the others. I say, \"We've only got 5 minutes to live! She'll kill us! We might as well try to do what we can! What will be lost?!\" A woman stands near another gun. I realize that I need the \"cap\" off the hammer. That's why my gun didn't work. She tries to get it apart. The bad woman notices, and she marches everyone outside to execute them. I grab her gun and kill her. Now I look around. I'm in a huge city but it's been nuked. There are no lights but the few we generated in our area. I walk around the block. I look to my right to see swirling fog, a sinister feeling. I hurry back to the lights. A man and a woman say they're going for a walk, after being cooped up for so long. I say, \"O.K.\" I watch the spot light beam on the clouds and hear airplanes. Rescue! Then I see a huge fire engine with men and women rescue teams on it. They see us and stop. They come over. A man walks toward me. I begin crying in relief. I hug him and he me. It is such a good comforting hug! I cry and cry. Then it is necessary to leave at once. The mutants are growling and screaming in the fog; they are coming for us. I mourn the man and woman who must have been killed by them." }, { "number": "0526", "head": "06/08/83", "content": "I look in a mirror. My eyes are pink and puffy and the pupils are missing. I wander around the house looking for Bonnie so she can take me to the doctor. I find her. She's crying because one of her cousins has died. I turn a corner and see a room full of hospital beds. An overweight middle-aged man is sitting up in each bed, with hospital p.j.s and robe on. One man says, \"You're a week late to teach your well-being health class.\" I am embarrassed because I had forgotten! I think quickly, then start to lecture. The man has a red face like he is blushing." }, { "number": "0527", "head": "06/12/83", "content": "Two things can stop my way to success, doubt and sickness." }, { "number": "0528", "head": "06/13/83", "content": "I am lying with Howard. I don't like it but I seem to be trying to convince myself it's O.K. Yuck." }, { "number": "0529", "head": "08/03/83", "content": "I'm sitting in a small square box or animal cage. I am handed a big sleek black cat. I must be careful because it has a poison tongue. If I move around too much, it will zap me. I feel some nervousness and trust at the same time. It zaps something and I feel the sting because it came so close to me." }, { "number": "0530", "head": "09/06/83", "content": "Bonnie is holding and cuddling her baby (a chinese boy). At the same time, I am feeding baby food to what looks like his twin. I say to him that he is lucky. He will feel very loved because his mom even holds him when he is diapered and fed (using his duplicate...I thought in background, \"Maybe not so good. He will expect it always and won't be prepared if as an adult, he doesn't get it all the time\")." }, { "number": "0531", "head": "09/06/83", "content": "I am at work, but it's the old \"grade school room.\" I comb my hair (red and short). Then, I turn to leave the restroom. \"Brenda,\" Valerie's baby, tries to crawl in. I stop her and pause to chat in the hall with her. She looks adult but sits and talks like a baby. She tells me her grandma is watching her today. I go to play bridge with Jock, Valerie, and others. I get a good hand. \"4 clubs,\" I bid. Valerie responds, \"6 hearts.\" I'm in convention for a grand slam. I recount my cards. They've changed. I find a weak suit in hearts. I decide to stay at 6 hearts, a conservative move. There are too many high cards out." }, { "number": "0532", "head": "09/06/83", "content": "Paul Newman is talking to his son. He is unhappy (Paul is). He tells his son, \"I guess you walked out thinking I didn't love you or care about you, then you got ran over. I'm no longer happy in 'my little Paris'.\"" }, { "number": "0533", "head": "10/18/83", "content": "I am put into the starvation ward. We all lie together in a tangled heap. The one next to me has a horrible cold voice. He asks to kiss me. I turn my face to avoid it but still try to talk to him politely. Then suddenly, he is on top of me and has stuck his fangs into my jugular vein (the left side of my neck), and is sucking my blood. I feel paralyzed and sick." }, { "number": "0534", "head": "10/18/83", "content": "Young boys are taking turns having sex with me. I'm lying on my tummy and I look over my shoulder. Two of them are talking. One says, \"I have a rubber, but I'm so small yet that it keeps falling off.\" The other one is shocked that he'd say that. That's not macho! I have an orgasm." }, { "number": "0535", "head": "10/18/83", "content": "I'm a government spy on a mission. The police come to my house. I pretend to be an ordinary citizen. A child is snuck out of the house by my \"husband\" while I keep the police occupied in the front yard. He is suspicious. It's time to make a run for it. I run to the helicopter waiting in the backyard. My \"husband\" tells me that Ellie has run away. I am torn in conflict. I must do my duty and I want to find Ellie. I decide that we must escape. I see a friend of Ellie's and ask her if she's seen Ellie. She won't talk to me. We fly away. The helicopter now is a square pizza racing over artificial turf. Now I'm in a room and a man in a 24 karat cold overcoat has two golden derringer pistols. He's holding them to the head of my husband. I watch for my chance and jump him. I now hold the guns and my husband is safe, but the man is coming toward me. He's saying, \"You won't shoot me.\" I hesitate and then shoot him 5 or 6 times with golden bullets. Some blood spurts down his front. He won't die. It hardly slows him up. I feel fairly neutral. Then the mail man comes with a package and I say, \"Oh! It's Ellie's picture. She ran away and I can't wait to see her picture.\" The man gets all happy and says, \"Oh, I'm delighted. Let's see it.\" We look at the picture. It's satin and Ellie is wearing a blue evening dress with a white sash. It's a little too big for her." }, { "number": "0536", "head": "02/24/84", "content": "I have a motorcycle. A man asks to ride it. I tell him to be careful. He agrees. We are outside on the lawn of the M City house. He has a wreck and the back wheel is smashed. Then I notice that my cat is hurt. He looks dead. His back legs are smashed. I am worried and sad. Then he revives and crawls to me. I hold him and pet him. He revives some more. I go inside the house. It's been not lived in for awhile; it's in disarray. I ask the guy that lives there if I got any mail or packages. He says, \"No.\" I want to show my oil painting to this nice man. I tell him it's a break through, a new art form, an oil painting that moves like T.V. As we look at it, several people change by moving, like (you have pictures drawn here) cartoon figures and flipping pages. The man says, \"I like the old lady one.\" I look. I see the young one stiff and diving into the water. He says, \"She's changing into a lob.\" Then I see a huge lake. I am looking toward the lovely shore line, trees, rugged, like Alaska. I see her laying unconscious in the bottom of the row boat, dying of lack of water, thirst in a lake of water! The man finds a tube with water in it and brings it to her because he wants the row boat." }, { "number": "0537", "head": "03/16/84", "content": "I'm going down a road. Darryl comes up to me. I'm glad to see him. We reminisce. There is some constraint. We don't touch but remember back to when we did. I see photos to the right, pictures of Darryl and I when we were happy. Then, we spontaneously hug and laugh. We start dancing to the American Bandstand theme song. The music is clear, bouncy, and accurate. He holds me firmly and strongly. We are dancing well together. I feel very happy. Then I'm in a race, wearing shorts and a t-shirt and a number, like a racer should. This other woman (who is much like me), and I are neck and neck racing down a stair well. I struggle hard to keep ahead of her. We are well matched. I leap over the banister and get one step ahead of her. She then sticks a leg out ahead of me and gets one step ahead, etc. Finally, I get ahead and she knows she can't keep up. She stops racing. Without slowing my pace, I well over my shoulder, \"Don't give up!\" She shrugs her shoulders and says, \"How can I keep up? I've only had a high school education. You've had much more.\" I yell back, \"Education isn't everything. Keep trying.\" Then I race on, feeling strong and good. I like running at my top speed and form. Then I see this red headed man. He's my friend. At first I think it is Darryl. He hugs me. It is such a good, supportive, affectionate feeling I get from him. We kiss and laugh, just enjoying being with each other. Now I'm directing traffic as other racers come by. I point to the right and say, \"Handicapped to the right, straights this way.\" I repeat that several times. Then as a joke I say, \"Straights this way, gays to the right,\" and laugh. Then, I skip over to my friend and look at a chart. It outlines the 5 courses and tells which ones are easy or hard. Course A is for music majors and is only 5 miles long. The rest of them are 10 miles long and \"B\" course is the toughest. I am a music major. I decide to take B course anyway, it being the most challenging. The man says, \"I think you ought to try B.\" I agree and feel good. He is supportive, caring, and challenging me to try for my full potential. I know he'll be behind me and be supportive. I am feeling strong, radiantly healthy, and happy. I begin the race. I see a door marked \"B course\" and open it. I see a very tough obstacle course, a swimming pool and bleachers to run up and down. The crowd on my left gasps, \"It's a girl!\" I see a line of women running the course. Right after them comes a line of men. I race right after the men and I am keeping up and indeed pass some on the bleachers as we run up and down. I feel powerful and confident." }, { "number": "0538", "content": "(03/14/84)(This dream was the night before the previous one). Ginny and I are standing by a river. She says Dwight, my brother, is across the river. He still loves me and wishes we could get married. I feel a twinge of regret and also guilt because of the incestuous aspects. Now, I'm leaning out an open window, looking down at the river. Dwight comes up behind me and leans over me. There is a feeling of sexuality and forbiddance. I don't respond to him but I'm very aware of him. I feel poignant and sad. Elliot comes by. He wants to take me out to dinner to make up for all he didn't give me in the relationship. I drift away, leaving Dwight and now I'm at a table with a plate full of food. There are beans and trailmix, and it's not too appetizing or expensive, but it's nutritious. Elliot's gone. Three guys come in. It's cousin Terence and two of his noisy friends. Terence's face is very dark, almost black (as in shadowed or dirty). I am annoyed at them. I say to Terence, but not loud enough to be heard over his friends' talk and laughter, \"I don't appreciate this at all.\" I vaguely remember that he is dead." }, { "number": "0539", "head": "07/07/84", "content": "Several good dreams about Mitch. In one he hugs me. It was sensual, and felt wonderful. I responded. I put my arms around him. I felt his soft skin. He wasn't wearing a shirt. It felt very good. In another dream, Mitch complained that he was so depressed because there were lots of things he couldn't do because of his disability, and he kept losing more as time went by. I said with gentleness, \"Even able-bodied people can't do lots of things.\" He gave me a weary look like, \"Please don't say that. It's so dumb, an able-bodied response.\" I gestured at him to wait and I said, \"I know the able-bodies can maybe do more than you, but please listen to me, somehow it just doesn't matter. Don't get hung up in depression. That's what stops her.\"" }, { "number": "0540", "head": "07/10/84", "content": "A man, like Orville, comes into the kitchen. He's hungry and his wife isn't around. I'm sort of a maid. He shows me a frying pan he's going to cook something in. It's messy. I feel slightly guilty. I start scrubbing it. He is relieved. He won't have to do his own dinner. He says, \"Could you start by sauteing some mushrooms?\" I nod yes. As I am scrubbing, I think of his wife and my mother and how they had to put aside their entire life to take care of their men. I think, \"No wonder they are so angry!\"" }, { "number": "0541", "head": "07/13/84", "content": "I am hitch hiking on a big freeway with fences. I see a lion that would come eat me if those fences weren't there. I think to myself, \"How can you hitchhike? You can hardly walk!\" I agree and think that soon I'll get a ride and then it will be O.K.! A turquoise and white car with a boat on top stops. As I approach the car, I wonder if the people are safe or if they will hurt me. I realize they are safe. It's an older couple, a man, single, my age, and 2 young girls. It's a family in fact. As I get in, it becomes a trailer house. The driver, the older man, puts my luggage (a thermos bottle, yellow plastic), on the top. It lies loosely. I ask if it will be safe as some of the racks are open. He says, \"Sure, no problems!\" I get in. They make me feel comfortable. They offer me a drink. They ask how far I'm going. I say, \"Louisville, Kentucky.\" They are amazed. So are they. \"Ah! You must be a paleontologist,\" (to the driver). He agrees. I say, \"So is my father. I'm meeting him there!\" We talk. I mention my father has a master's. They mention proudly, \"He has a doctorate!\" I ask if they have a bathroom. They say, \"Yes, but it isn't fixed up to use.\" They ask if I need to go. I say, \"Yes, but I'll wait!\"" }, { "number": "0542", "head": "08/14/84", "content": "I'm at an audition. They have already chosen the 3 guys. There is only one woman part in the play. I am putting on my costume. The woman director tells me and my rival to wear jeans, a half-t-shirt and a vest. My jeans are ripped at the hip seam. I'm quite surprised and comment on it to the guy that will be the romantic interest in the play. My outfit is somewhat revealing. I am pleased that I'm still slim enough to look good. The woman director leads a singing and dancing warm-up. I sing harmony and counter rhythm, like a lead gospel singer comin' in with phrases between lines. It's jazzy. It sounds really good. I know I am impressing the director. I know I'll get the part and I feel very satisfied and warm." }, { "number": "0543", "head": "08/14/84", "content": "Co-worker Tyler and I are lying down and cuddling. It's very warm and friendly." }, { "number": "0544", "head": "08/14/84", "content": "I am seated on the floor in a group of other girls. The guys are going to come over and choose partners. One I think is good-looking walks toward me and then chooses the one next to me. I am alone. I feel sad and perplexed. Why not me? Later I'm walking to class and an ugly guy, sort of like Donald Duck, proposes to me. I turn him down, defending my attitude by pointing out that it isn't his looks that I am refusing, but that we don't get along." }, { "number": "0545", "head": "08/15/84", "content": "I am angry and frustrated that I have to do housework. It's a stupid career, and not challenging. I resent it." }, { "number": "0546", "head": "08/15/84", "content": "I'm preparing to leave my \"husband.\" I feel afraid that he'll catch me. There are some papers to sign to better my position to be independent. I am afraid to and also driven to do it, a last chance sort of feeling. I grab the papers and sign my name on them and hide them in a pile of letters. Then I rush to mail them thinking, \"Even he couldn't get them from the U.S. mail!\"" }, { "number": "0547", "head": "09/14/84", "content": "Ellie and I are walking down a hall, turn the corner and surprise my parents in lovemaking. I am embarrassed. We tip toe away. Later, I see my mother somewhere else and realize that my father was making love to someone else! Later, I'm driving a cart-like thing around the house. I turn right at the living room. Even though it's a house, there are streets and alleys. The snows have melted and the whole house is wet and drippy. I think, \"Hey, now that the snows are melted, I can do a big cleaning and put up pretty curtains.\" As I drive the cart, my father reminds me that to go down Royal Ave. is better. I turn the cart around and say, \"You're right.\" We drive on." }, { "number": "0548", "head": "09/15/84", "content": "There is a woman faith healer. A crowd is gathered around her. I go up close and lie down on the cool sand right in front of her to listen. I make a pillow with the sand. She is a forceful preacher. Suddenly, she reaches out and places her hands on my face to heal me. She is powerful. I feel her intensity. I see religious scenes of Jesus and I know that it is working. I weep for joy and say over and over, \"Oh yes! Please heal me! Please work!\" I cry and cry. Later, I get up and walk away from the crowd, testing my joints for pain. It's gone. I also need to pull away from the preacher. I don't want to be mesmerized and be a follower. I do it with respect. (Before I left the crowd, I felt them all around me. I tried to stretch out my legs but I couldn't. I looked and could only see a \"sea\" of starched sheets. That's what they wore)." }, { "number": "0549", "head": "09/15/84", "content": "I'm on stage. I am a student, arguing with the teacher. The Board of Directors is seated around a conference table, and they are the audience. I must hide. A man offers me a way. He has a syringe that will do something so I can hide. I let him do it. He carries me away in a little box. Now to get me back to normal, he must heat me up. We put \"me\" in the oven. We watch the temperature carefully. If it gets too hot, I'll be damaged. He says, \"If we could push air around her, she'd be safe.\" I go in search of a fan. I see a man next door sitting by a window holding a fan up to his face. I ask to borrow it. He reluctantly gives me part of it but not the fan part that moves the air. Now I must improvise. I find a hose, made of potatoes and blow through it. Two oval clumps of spaghetti hungrily go for the air. \"Me,\" in a frozen clump, moves back away from it. I don't understand and try to move the hose. The spaghetti follows it, but \"I\" don't." }, { "number": "0550", "head": "09/16/84", "content": "The \"highway\" is this raging river with huge boulders in it. I get in a rubber raft and motor down to visit a friend. I get there and a young boy is annoyed at my visit. He wants to be alone. I hear an echo sound of waves and say, \"Oh, you have a cave under the house.\" He denies it. It's his special place and he doesn't want a bunch of grown-ups messing up his place." }, { "number": "0551", "head": "09/16/84", "content": "I'm going to see a movie. I see some chairs downstairs. I follow Juliet down the stairs. The stairs are clogged with coats, large art-type books, and people. I try not to step on the people. We chat as I go by. Then I look for a comfortable chair. I find one in the back. I ask Jock to carry it more forward so I can see better. He does. I find a pitcher of beer in my hand. Someone comments on it as I go by. I notice I don't have glasses. I make a joke and wonder why I have a pitcher (which the person called a vase). After all, I don't drink. Jock has 2 glasses. I say, \"Leave it to you to think of the glasses.\" I ask his help in setting up the chair. It's just a bit too big for the small space and tips over the stair edge when I try to sit. I see wheelchair tires next to the stair edge that the feet of my chair are resting on. Jock says, \"You know, I usually hold you back until you get all the facts (when he's giving me a client). I'm a little surprised and annoyed. He then is surprised at me and says, \"I misunderstood you. I thought, you know, you said about alcohol and drugs and those guys you'd pick up on and I thought you didn't like people like that and wouldn't be good at helping them, so I didn't send any of them to you.\" I am surprised. [BL]" }, { "number": "0552", "head": "09/17/84", "content": "A young woman is going away to get married. I'm going to sing at her wedding or graduation. I am wearing a wedding dress, lots of lace, and I'm well-shaped. I look fat, but I'm not. A nun comes up to me. We are introduced. She doesn't approve of me. I am making jokes about marriage, like a clown or a comic. I show the girl my silly undertrunks and laugh. She's very serious and doesn't laugh. It's time for the show. A small audience, 10 of us in lines, are on the stage. I'm second to left in front. The girl is to my left. I sing a story about a bride who broke part of her husband's tea set. She had to pay for it out of her own money. \"And,\" I told the audience, \"it has to be out of the principal, not the interest. I am serious,\" I say to a scoffing audience person. They don't like my message. A woman friend's daughter starts crying and has to leave the stage. Perhaps the message is too modern for her. It's like we're doing an opera with humor." }, { "number": "0553", "head": "09/17/84", "content": "I am a man, being kept by a wealthy man. I wear lovely clothes. I ask him, \"How long can I count on your generosity?\" The old, fat man wears high heels and a robe. Now I'm wearing a beautiful wedding gown. I'm female. The announcers tell how women love to swoop up and down a staged aisle in this type of dress. I swoop. It's like a roller coaster. When I'm on stage, another woman, a rival jeers at me. She threatens to tell the man stories about me. Hints that he won't stay interested in me? I must get to him first. We both begin to run. There is a massive crowd. I work my way to the left edge where I can move faster as there are fewer people. I see video tape boxes with titles on them. I grab 2 that say \"Barb.\" I get to the street. I must cross the street but the noon hour traffic is starting. I see my chance and I go for it. I run and keep looking to my left where the cars are coming. They are getting closer and closer. I am worried because they won't stop for pedestrians. If I miscalculate, they'll just run over me." }, { "number": "0554", "head": "09/19/84", "content": "The girls and I are on a journey. We stop at a cafe/bar to have lunch. Young men dance suggestively. We were given silver gifts by the waiter. I decide we should leave. We go to the check out stand. The woman starts to add up our bill. A cup of butter is $150. They charge me for some gifts. I refuse to pay. I give them back. The waitress is rude and calls for the manager. I am firm. \"I didn't order the butter, I won't pay for it.\" We leave. We get in the car to drive into the night. Ellie is in the front with me. Dovre and Paulina are in the back. I can't see Paulina, but I can feel her there. Then Dovre gets in the front. It's too crowded and I ask her to get in the back. She won't. We argue. I get angry. It interferes with my driving. Finally she does. Then we go to Aunt Esther's house. It's by the beach. I want to go to the beach. I open the back window. I see a cliff and the beach. A brown cloud scurries by. We decide it's too cold to swim today. We go for a walk. I see a miniature train. There are miniature copies of grandma Mildred's coffin. I ask Aunt Esther to show me how the train works. As it moves by, miniature people smile and wave. They are cute. I wave back and feel silly because they aren't real. Dora comes over to tell me to be careful on my journey. She had gone to the same bar and had been raped by a woman. She then proceeds to tell and show me the whole story. I'm embarrassed because Uncle Wilbur and Aunt Esther are watching. She lies down in a slinky green harem-type outfit and wiggles around. She describes the woman's touches on her breasts, etc. She says, \"After that, I stopped fighting. I kind of liked it.\"" }, { "number": "0555", "head": "09/20/84", "content": "A mean old man is wealthy. He lords it over the family. He is ill. He is represented by a piece of dried red wood. He catches fire and I don't try to help put it out. I let \"grandfather\" die." }, { "number": "0556", "head": "09/20/84", "content": "I decide to hike to visit Dora. I walk miles through a town by the coast. I nearly walk through someone's front yard. I ask where the road went. A sailboat store has changed ownership and is a bakery with lots of gooey donuts. I walk through the store. I notice the rooms. It used to be a house, very important to me. I feel nostalgic and look at the curtains and sigh. I think someone I loved used to live here. As I continue walking, the sky darkens. I get concerned because I don't feel safe hiking at night. I look at my watch. It is 4:35 p.m. I see a gas station with a telephone sign. I go there and ask if I can call Dora. Maybe they'll come to get me. I tell her that I've left E City and I'm now at XXX Beach. He calls but she's not home. I continue walking. It's not too much further. I must have started late today. I stop at a second phone. She's still not home. Then I realize she's probably on her way to the lst gas station. I am a little annoyed at myself. \"Why didn't I stay there?\" I start walking back. The sky lightens up and the time goes backwards as I retrace my steps." }, { "number": "0557", "head": "09/21/84", "content": "Aliens have surrounded the house. Lydia and I hide. They come to the window in helicopters and send thoughts to us to control us. I plug my ears and hide deep in a closet. Lydia finally succumbs. I try to hold her back but I must save myself." }, { "number": "0558", "head": "09/23/84", "content": "I put daffodils in a crock in a tile, took a hammer and pounded them in like a nail. It mussed up their pretty faces. I was sitting next to an old man. In a large car, my father was driving, I found room far in the back. There was a baby somewhere. This old man was with an old woman, they were like grandparents. He was somewhat famous and knowledgeable but his speech was slow from age. Yet, I recognized him from my high school. I asked him if he ever had lived in M City. He smiled. He looked younger now. He said, \"No,\" but I thought he was teasing me. I turned to him and said something. He kissed me. I turned my head and said, \"Really!,\" pretending to be shocked. I was attracted to him." }, { "number": "0559", "head": "09/24/84", "content": "A man grabs me and tries to rape me. I get away. It's time to sleep. I think I'll curl up in a box and then I'll know I'll be protected, but it's too small and cramped; I go outside and position people around me so I'll be protected. Dovre is next to me, Juliet, Dylan, and Jock are around me. I try to sleep." }, { "number": "0560", "head": "09/24/84", "content": "Something about Terence, and then cheese has to be drunk so it doesn't flood out over pastures." }, { "number": "0561", "head": "09/24/84", "content": "I had to move." }, { "number": "0562", "head": "09/28/84", "content": "Ethan is cute and harmless. We smile and joke. I don't feel that old master/novice feeling any more." }, { "number": "0563", "head": "09/30/84", "content": "Co-worker Tyler and I are cuddly. He starts kissing me. I feel hesitant. I remind him about his wife. He says, \"It's O.K. No problem.\" I enjoy kissing him. Then Jim C. joins us, on my right side. I am surprised. He wants to kiss too. I feel hesitant again, because of Tyler. Then I just sense that it's O.K. I remember feeling how Jim C's beard tickles. After awhile, we decide to go so somewhere. We have to hop on a boat to get there. I leap, chair and all, over the water to the boat. I turn and look. They have hesitated and will have to wait for the next boat. I'm a little annoyed at them." }, { "number": "0564", "head": "10/07/84", "content": "I am preparing to give a speech. I've got lots of notes and I'm putting them in order. I see maybe 20 or 30 file folders full of paper. Some get out of order. I go into the lecture hall. The exhibit is all set up. I start the speech with a bit on vocabulary and what words mean. The next section is a small aside about my father's interesting research. It's not really related to the main part of my speech. My father is standing to my right. He is impressed with all my work. I tell the audience to be ready to concentrate for 2 hours. Then everyone gets noisy. I can't be heard over the roaring background noise. I ask, \"Who is interested in hearing the speech?\" A few people raise their hands. I am annoyed." }, { "number": "0565", "head": "10/07/84", "content": "My parents and I are returning. We have a school bus, my van, and a boat on a trailer. We arrange that my parents will relief drive for me. I'm tired. However, first we have to stop off at the hospital for my mother to have surgery. I finally realize I'll have to drive all the way. She can't have surgery and then drive away. We go to find her room. We are lost. Then I see some guy wearing a funny mask like a round plastic head with a smiling clown face. I think it's funny to ask him where the room is." }, { "number": "0566", "head": "10/09/84", "content": "I hide in a cave. It's important to not eat the food. It may be poisoned. I move furniture. I put a wood framed mirror with maroon fringe next to the foot of a bed, then it is moved. I look for it. I go to the basement. Everything in there is mine. It is cavernous. 2 box boys work there and laugh at me. I meet someone I had written a book about. He laughs and says, \"I'm not offended. In fact, I shall publish your book. It will help my cause!\" I feel badly because it wasn't suppose to help them." }, { "number": "0567", "head": "10/10/84", "content": "We were in the arctic. We traveled by hanging on to a rope that trailed from a helicopter. We were new. We were told to go out to the snow fields and pick up yellow cards. We figured, \"That's easy. We'll be close to the base so we won't take our jackets.\" After we got out there, walking, my partner fell and started to become frozen to the ground. I ran for my 3rd partner and said, \"Call for help.\" We waved our found yellow cards at camp. A signal person saw us and said, \"I think they're in trouble.\" Another person said, \"Nah! If they were in trouble, they'd light a signal fire.\" I thought, \"We would but we stupidly left our jackets and gear behind.\" I really hoped they'd figure out we needed them. The signal person fired a flare and they sent out a helicopter. They went to go pick up our frozen friend who is a yellow card now. The rescuer warmed up the edges with his fingers saying, \"O.K., we missed the eyes, the ears are O.K.\" Then my partner and I helped him on the rope as we flew back to camp. A grandmother came out as we landed. Someone said, \"What's it like out there today?\" She said, \"There's fire on the desert and daises, like that's dangerous.\" I said, \"Ya, we saw the fire, burning in the snow, no fuel.\" We all went in. Now our frozen friend was a cat. A black cat ran over and licked him lovingly to help unfreeze him. We watched and commented on the caring." }, { "number": "0568", "head": "10/11/84", "content": "I am jogging. I feel I must attempt to go complete around the block. I know it will be tiring, but necessary. As I am jogging, I see a group of people, mostly men, all in a bunch, talking. They have plates that are valuable and are sales men or business men. I have a stack of 6-8 china plates myself, but I'm just carrying them, I'm not trying to sell them. They are looking for the rich old man to do business with...I'm just trying to get around them to continue jogging. As I go by, I see a house/shop with lots of glass/china pretties. I go in. I ask to see the old man. His son says, \"I can help you, but most people won't let me, they just want my father.\" He takes me to see his father. It is a huge house. We go down extremely steep ladder/stairs. I have heels on. Then we are in the basement which is huge, messy and with lots of windows looking out over the fields. I see a crow or raven. He's large. Then I see a whole flock of them, right by the window. I say, \"Hello! Hello,\" at them over and over (like my father tried to teach our crow to talk). The son likes me. He has wire framed round glasses perched on his nose. Suddenly, a lightning, electrical green light saps all around me and I am in a special room where this electrical phenomenon gives me or enhances my special powers. I look at a field of grain. As I look, my powers speed everything up and field is being cut or harvested quickly. Sheep, goats and cows are spared so they can continue to graze and produce." }, { "number": "0569", "head": "10/13/84", "content": "Co-worker Tyler and I are roommates with my two girls in a dorm room. I go into the bathroom. It is so cluttered with clothes, curlers, shavers, soaps, etc. I try to clean it up. I run out of room to put things. Later, I see Tyler being captured by these big beasties. I peek over the edge of the cliff. They see me and reach up for me. I try to escape. They laugh and say they'll keep trying until they get me. I can't escape, so I go hear near and let them capture me. I am put on the same window sill as Tyler. We sit and watch the beasties swim around. I look behind me and see a crack in the wooden shutters. I see some little cars on a track, a possible escape! I point it out to Tyler. He hops down pretending to stretch while he looks it over; we are whispering and signalling that it might be possible. A woman throws herself over the cliff to where the beasties are. One breaks her neck, the other lives. She's a floozy and she wants the beasties, who are also gay men, to make her. One guy is chosen to do it as \"punishment,\" to cream her pussy. He has white makeup on and is very French and gay. Meanwhile, a man comes through the window and sits with us. He wants Tyler. to teach for him. Tyler introduces me and says I'm an excellent teacher as well. He looks me over. He might be interested. Tyler comments on his all-linen attire. The man looks at my outfit. I say, \"Ordinary denim.\" As we look at it, I notice the greeny pajamas underneath have holes in them around the crotch. I am a little embarrassed. I say, \"Well, they are my daughter's.\"" }, { "number": "0570", "head": "10/14/84", "content": "I have a very small house. Bonnie comes by. She is very fat. She is wearing a hand crocheted dress and a white slip. She asks me to help unravel her dress. She has crocheted it incorrectly and she needs me to redo it. As I undo it, my father looks shocked and turns his face away, quite upset. He asks that she cover herself. She asks me if she can borrow something to wear. I go into my spacious walk-in closet and look. I see old, tattered evening gowns (sort of 1950's style). I think, \"I sure don't wear them much anymore.\" I see blouses and then bathing suits and unders. Nothing in there will fit. I then go to my dresser and pull out a big black turtleneck sweater. She says, \"That will fit,\" and puts it on." }, { "number": "0571", "head": "10/15/84", "content": "As a faculty member, I get to be a student in a journalism class. I'm given a list of people to interview, Rochelle, Patsy Cline and some others. I am very professional and I know lots of good questions, like how many column inches the story will run. The teacher says, \"I wish all my students were as good as you.\"" }, { "number": "0572", "head": "10/15/84", "content": "I go to a concert to see Frank Sinatra. I am surprised to see that he's a very small man. He's 2-3 feet tall and sometimes l/2 foot tall. Some large woman steps on him and says, \"I brought you into the world and I can take you out.\" I'm seated in a front row seat with park and recreation types all around me. He comes over and sits near me. I see he has 3 eyes, pretty brown eyes, then 4 eyes, 0000. He sings a beautiful ballad. I feel attracted. He's giving me eye contact. I drop eye contact and think to myself, \"Now you've done it. He won't think you like him and he'll go away.\" Then the \"governor\" comes in. He's gorgeous, tall, sexy, and good-looking. Everyone around me rushes to be close to him. I don't. I'm alone on my bench. I look up at the ceiling and tisk tisk. \"Frank\" watches me. The governor makes a joke. He says that the next time Frank complains about paying taxes, he should remember that the governor contributed to his income by paying to get in. Then the governor gets on his knees and hits piano keys with his chin. Everyone laughs. I am aware that I'm sitting because I'm disabled." }, { "number": "0573", "head": "10/16/84", "content": "I am in a pretty little house. Water rushes in the alley behind it like a river going downhill, emptying out into the streets. Then it reverses directions and rushes to the other street. I say to Ellie, \"This sure is a cute little house.\" I go out and look at it from the outside. Now Ellie is driving and I'm sitting in the back looking through the back window at my house. I see Nate and Rochelle sitting on the front porch. Nate has sunglasses on. He sees me and smiles. I try not to respond. I feel a warm sense of happiness at seeing him and I'm thinking, \"I don't want to see you.\" We go around the block. I'm teaching her how to drive. Now it's crowded. I say, \"Slow down, be careful.\" She says she can't stop because of the water. I look but I don't see any water. I get out and go to a store. I find some of my belongings out in front. I pick them up and also see a beautiful pair of earrings. I think of taking them too. A woman comes by and says, \"Are you taking my earrings?\" I say, \"Certainly not. It's just that my finger got stuck while I was looking at them!\" I find another pair, they look Indian, no clips. I ask the store owner if they can be fixed. She says, \"No.\"" }, { "number": "0574", "head": "10/17/84", "content": "A mentally retarded boy was the next act in a show. It had been smooth until he came on. He faltered on the first note and then couldn't get his bearings. I tried to help him out. If he could just calm down and remember the starting point, he'd be O.K. I was seated in a balcony seat that was very close to him. Then I started coughing and he was on his own. It was no good. The show ended ragged and unfinished when it had started so well. [BL]" }, { "number": "0575", "head": "10/17/84", "content": "I'm cleaning up, doing dishes. Mabel and Orville are going to leave after their snack of cheese and salads. I feel sad that they hadn't invited me to join them. There are more and more dishes to clean. It's sort of like the M City house kitchen." }, { "number": "0576", "head": "10/21/84", "content": "My father has come to town to congratulate me. I'm going to take him to a special place for dinner. I take him to a gay restaurant because we can get good food cheaply, seeing as how they cater to such a small audience. We are naked except for shorts and unders. I get confused if it's Howard or my father but it is my father. He wants to make love to me. I can feel it and yet he is held back by feelings of how wrong it would be. He wants to see my breasts. I think, \"Why? I'm 41 years old and they droop, probably as much as my mother's droop, even though I'm 20 years younger.\" I feel him leaning on me to get more skin contact. I lay still with my back to him, and I feel sexually excited and disgusted at the same time. I'm his daughter. This isn't right. I imagine or sense his erect penis. I think, \"If he tries to put it in me, then I'll know he's trying to be sexual.\" He does everything but put it in. I wonder why we are in bed together but I don't move to get out. I said no real clearly without guilt." }, { "number": "0577", "head": "10/21/84", "content": "Lydia and her kids come by. One of the little ones is naughty. I tell her she should remove her from the room until she stops crying. Lydia refuses. She's angry with me for always interfering." }, { "number": "0578", "head": "10/21/84", "content": "I am doing a video for the C. dept. Co-worker Josh wants to watch. I feel relieved that I am finally doing something legitimate when he watches. We are taking pictures of president Reagan as he swims in the ocean. He makes a real fool of himself, splashing and diving, because it's too shallow. I think, \"Oh, he's going down for the 3rd time.\" As I walk back out of the water, I step on an eye under the sand. I think, \"Yuck! Sharks!\" [BL]" }, { "number": "0579", "head": "10/22/84", "content": "Paulina and I are in some Arabic country. We want to cross the river but there is no bridge and the current is swift. We ask a woman how much a taxi would cost. She says, \"$9.50.\" We snort, \"Ha!,\" and say, \"No way!\" We walk away. She calls after us, \"$6.00.\" It's still too high. Then Paulina lies down, crying out in pain. The woman comes to her. Paulina twists around so only I can see her face and she winks. She's putting it on. I lecture her. \"Don't do that! It is wrong to get something by lying.\"" }, { "number": "0580", "head": "10/22/84", "content": "A man, a friend is doing laundry. Some electrical problem starts. He goes to the circuit breaker. As he touches it, he gets zapped. We pull him off. Now we need to get him to a doctor, but someone brings to our attention that he needs to have a check-up and update his insurance or they won't pay! We carry him there to get it worked out. [BL]" }, { "number": "0581", "head": "10/22/84", "content": "I see showers. A mentally retarded woman lives in one stall. Whenever she showers, the water stands and spreads to the next stall. The woman in the next stall gets upset and wants someone to clean that up. I take a small razor handle and start to suck up the water with that. It will take forever! The woman says, \"Thank goodness someone is doing it!\" Then it's time to go. As we are leaving, we see our electrocuted friend being moved into the apartment across the way. A nurse goes with him. We are sad. \"Oh, if we had only known he was coming. We'd have arranged to be here, but we have to leave now.\"" }, { "number": "0582", "content": "(10/22/84)\"The wicked witch is dead, the wicked witch is dead,\" (sung to \"Poor Judd is Dead\" from Oklahoma musical)." }, { "number": "0583", "head": "10/23/84", "content": "Someone's getting married. I'm waiting in a restaurant/lounge. Finally the bride shows up. She's wearing a funny looking dress, white satin with a dusty rose train formed in a ring, like dragging a huge diaphragm around after me. I open my wedding presents. I keep getting booties and kid shoes." }, { "number": "0584", "head": "10/23/84", "content": "I'm driving a huge diesel truck. It's automatic shift. I pull out in front of a car, not giving much room. I get past without an accident. I drive up a mountain road through a cute village. I'm tricked into going down a road that ends up being the runway for jets! [BL]" }, { "number": "0585", "head": "10/25/84", "content": "A man has found a diamond or gold mine. Lydia and I are black birds. We are going to follow the man and find the riches. He sees us hiding and picks us up. We become his pets. Down into the mines we go. Other men try to follow but he loses them. There are 27 turns to get to the \"Y\" and then 145 more turns after that. He gathers up the diamonds and stacks them up. He sneaks them past the men. One night it becomes clear he can't sneak past the men. He has to try and remember the 145 turns to get through the other way. We go. He nearly dies. We see the opening, and we drag him to it. We turn into 2 beautiful women to help him. She has black raven hair and snappy black eyes. I am a perfect blonde, with blue eyes. We feed him water from our hands. He regains consciousness and falls in love with me." }, { "number": "0586", "head": "10/25/84", "content": "I am in a wheelchair, going to a doctor's appointment. When I get there, the nurse tells me he's got an emergency and must leave. I get very irate and write a note. I say, \"I'm very busy too. He can call me later.\" The pains are very serious. I leave. I'm in a manual chair but it moves like a power chair. I sign my name differently in the note. I am Olgn G Alix or someone. I wonder why I did that. I get to the elevator which had been held in place by a manual chair. I hear voices talking about me, how selfish I am, and how no one else can use the elevator. A cute man in a wheelchair says he's met her before, he doesn't wait, he just goes up a ramp. Now I'm me watching the selfish woman being carried down a long flight of stairs just to see some ceramic vases with gilt on them. The guy and I walk about her. Then we go on. We like each other. I see a book store that we both want to go in. We do. We each go to our own particular area of interest. He goes to the H row, and I go to the B or C row. It's a mutual enjoyment. We're polite and would give it up for the other but we are understanding of each other. It feels nice. Then we see a stereo, an old one for 45, 55 dollars. We dig into it and see old music books and things. The guy really wants it, so when he's somewhere else, I bargain the sales guy down to $10 dollars. He says $18 and no lower. I offer $15; it's a go. Then we are outside, standing in water and I'm going to give my present to this nice guy that likes me." }, { "number": "0587", "head": "10/26/84", "content": "I'm going up the stairs in a tall 3 story house. Everywhere I look, people are in some kind of orgy, sex, drugs, etc. In a room at the top, I see a sign that says, \"Don't disturb\" or \"Don't look.\" I look anyway. It's a male client, older, engaged in sex with a woman. The thoughts are, \"Good, he's now able to enjoy it, older and wiser.\" [BL]" }, { "number": "0588", "head": "10/26/84", "content": "A man and his wife are 1st married and decide to live in a small town. I now ride their horse. It's the best horse ride I've ever had; every gallop or trot is comfortable. The horse and I are very compatible." }, { "number": "0589", "head": "10/27/84", "content": "There were two baby boys. One of them had his penis on his head. The mother was a little upset. She asked, \"Is this normal?\" I assured her it was. That as the baby grew, the penis moved down where it was supposed to be. Later, I was aware of uneasiness because I realized that I was wrong. The kid was definitely abnormal! My baby's name was Fred. I found a babysitter, I didn't really care who, just so I could leave for a while. I drove down town, looking for music. I saw groups of people, musicians playing. I weaved between and around them. I came back home to my swimming pool. I was a school teacher. Some movie star type gave me the pool. The water was deep and warm." }, { "number": "0590", "head": "10/27/84", "content": "I am in Aunt Elaine's house but it is the house of Senora W. We are her Spanish class waiting for her to arrive. I walk into the kitchen and look around. I think, \"I guess Senora W isn't married.\" Then I remember she is. I sit on a counter by the stove. The girls are talking. One is talking about her Mexican boyfriend. She keeps looking at me nervously. Then she says, \"His name is Hector.\" She pauses and says, \"Your Hector.\" I am quite surprised. I say, \"Mine used to be Hector. I thought he was in Mexico. He hasn't written me. I only write to Roberto!\" I say, \"I'd like to see him again to say hi!\" She's nervous, so I say, \"We're just friends now. It's O.K.\" She gets her appointment book out. \"No, not this weekend. Oh, it won't work next weekend,\" etc. I think she must be awfully insecure about their relationship. She says she guesses she doesn't want to share any of their time with anyone else. I laugh, very superior. She gives me a package of permanent curlers. I say, \"What am I supposed to do with these?\" She shrugs. I say, \"Oh, you leave them here for the thrift shop.\" I put all my unorganized papers into my purse and go to the living room." }, { "number": "0591", "head": "10/27/84", "content": "The world is changed, but lots of people don't know it. All the roads are rivers, with soup in them. Everyone has to swim to work or wherever. They get out all wet and continue with what they are doing. New kinds of furniture is needed, plastic coated materials, etc. I swim." }, { "number": "0592", "head": "10/27/84", "content": "Now it's time for our group to perform. I'm sort of not in the group anymore. I've grown beyond their capacities and I'm moving on for more. Brett's in the group. Our audience is small and seated in school desks. Everyone goes up to do the opening song. I come up a little later, on the periphery. They sing and falter, forgetting the words. I sing out \"We forgot the words and it's O.K.,\" to a nursery rhyme tune. The audience loves it and applauds. I go sit on the sidelines while Hector and his girl work out a new skit. I need my scripts. I go back to my purse and get them. I come back up on stage. Maggie sits next to me and says, \"You're really matured. You were good and now you're hot!\" I say, \"Thanks.\"" }, { "number": "0593", "head": "10/29/84", "content": "I am in a large store. Bonnie and I are going to have lunch. She has the food. We sit down. It becomes clear she isn't going to share her food. I ask, \"Are you going to share or should I buy my own?\" She says, \"You need to buy your own.\" I go looking but I don't really find what I want. Someone comments that things are really icing up outside, like we're in Alaska or some place frozen. A man is near me. He seems to like me and me him. I still hesitate to buy anything. Some people, a family, goes out to their tent. Even when you pee, it freezes and is solid ice as it hits the ground! The man and I go back to the store to get mittens, hats, etc. The woman store owner asks what we want. The man bargains with her; we get things half price. He puts his arms around me and I lean into him. I kiss him on his cheek. I look for mittens. He brings a spray can. He sprays it around his neck and then mine. It's a white cloudy material that has sparks coming out of it. I don't want to breathe it in. It is supposed to keep us warm. We buy mittens, etc. and go out together to the tent to make it through the winter." }, { "number": "0594", "head": "10/30/84", "content": "I am preparing to go out and perform to a group of people. I walk out of the house, onto the porch. They applaud. I notice the applause continues even after they stop clapping. It's really some other group behind a wall responding to some other group. I start the intro. As I'm speaking, the group gets up and leaves. I call out to them, \"Wait we've got a good show!\" Only 4 or 5 persons remain. I say, \"Oh well, the show must go on.\" I start the show anyway. I go in to get the rest of the \"Birds.\" By now the audience is wandering all over the lawn. I go out there to see the stream that this guy likes to fish and relax in. I find water standing in a field of crops. At first I think, \"That's it.\" I notice rows of funny looking trees. They have a name. Then I see the stream. I go to the edge and look. I start sliding. I reach out my arm to a woman and say, \"Help me, I'm slipping.\" She is neutral. She doesn't help. I hang on, hoping and finally in desperation, I put myself up out of danger. We go back to the house. In the hall, lots of waiter people are working hard. Nate says he's going down to the basement to check it out. As he leaves, I fall head first down the laundry chute to the basement and get there before he does! A plump guy follows me because he knows that I'll be accused and will look guilty being there first. He wants to help me. He gets there and goes to meet Nate head on. The hall is now the inside of a diesel truck. The interior is painted red and there is spooky danger there! He calls out, \"Howard! Howard!,\" (I wake up)." }, { "number": "0595", "head": "10/31/84", "content": "A woman, a man, and I are trying to decide what day to get together. We decide on the 14th. Then the woman wants to change it to the 3rd. I say, \"It's possible, but I have other commitments and wouldn't be able to give as much time.\" The man is disappointed. He wanted more time with me. I get annoyed at the woman for thoughtlessly creating problems for the man. We all agree to change the date back to the 14th. Then we go out into the city; there is some danger and we must flee. We see a crowd. It is waiting to see a famous dance troupe. I ask how long we'll wait. The woman says, \"An hour.\" I say, \"They'd better be good then.\" She says, \"They are the best in Mexico, just like you are the best in the U.S.\" I am modest and say, \"Oh! tat!\" The man is sitting on the same bench. I go over to him and kiss him. He and I cuddle. It's nice." }, { "number": "0596", "head": "11/01/84", "content": "There's a war on and I'm trying to stop the soldiers from fighting, even the ones on \"my\" side. I capture the guys, seven of them at gun point, and order them to tie each other up, seated in chairs. They are real arrogant but do it. They tease me. I like the leader and he likes me. Then the enemy keeps firing. I try to respond non-violently. Finally, I take a gun and point it at the enemy woman and say, \"Stop or I'll shoot.\" She decides to call my bluff. She watches me closely as she starts to walk away. I fire at her, deliberately missing by inches. She keeps moving. I yell, \"Stop or I'll shoot you!\" Again, she calls my bluff. I fire at her but I've run out of bullets. I reload the gun (which is white). She's gone by now. I have to decide whether to untie the men soldiers. I hesitate but then do so. Then he introduces me to a group of male giants, \"International XXX Thumb group.\" The guy is so tall that in order for us to talk, he first gets on bended knees and he lays down on me, so we can be eye to eye. I tell him that he can take his group to the enemy castle and all peek into the windows. It will scare the enemy. They agree to do it. I then untie more of the men soldiers. The leader says to his buddy, \"She thinks I'm leaving here, but what she doesn't know is, I'm not. She'll have to stay here with me.\" Here is North Africa." }, { "number": "0597", "head": "11/02/84", "content": "Mabel and I are trying to put together a puzzle. We pick pretty beads from a basket and place them where they belong. I think Shea was there too. Later, I take some kids to the store. A couple of teens take some candy. I tell them to put it back. Then I see Paulina scooting out the door quickly. I run after her and stop her. She has candy in her mouth! I say, \"How dare you! Take it back at once! I'll lose respect and love for you.\" I am very angry, and she goes back. She and I go to the clerk. I say, \"She took this candy.\" The clerk shrugs and says, \"Oh well, teens do that.\" A man walks up to me and puts a soda bottle on the counter. He says, \"You pay for it and I'll reimburse you later.\" I am so busy with Paulina I don't really attend and agree. Then I turn to see who this is. I know him well and I laughingly agree to do so. [BL]" }, { "number": "0598", "head": "11/03/84", "content": "I'm in the M City house. Howard and the girls are there too. Dovre is working on a school project that requires pasting papers to a poster in an interesting design. She finally gets it done. I hang it up on the wall. I feel relief. Howard says, \"At least you didn't say you were tired of it like you said about receiving roses from the fair.\" I am a little embarrassed because receiving roses is a special favor, but I felt it was sort of off-handedly done and wasn't special." }, { "number": "0599", "head": "11/03/84", "content": "I am observing Dovre in her 1st grade class. It's music time and I am given a drum to play. So is Dovre. She has a base drum. Mine is more of a snare drum. The teacher brings me a clump of black and white beaded necklaces all clumped together. I help her try to unravel one black necklace out of it. We succeed. I now do a solo on my drum singing in front of the class." }, { "number": "0600", "head": "11/04/84", "content": "I am in a room with two clients and the professor. The woman is very rude and child-like. The man is very insecure and the community college student, like the professor, is very pompous. He sort of takes over the questioning. The woman whines and complains, interrupts the man's story and takes the conversation into different directions at the drop of a hat. I give up. I can't get her to shut up so I can counsel and don't really try to hard. It is so funny to be watching the dynamics of those 3. The professor says, \"Let's reverse role play.\" The man says, \"That's not necessary.\" I say, \"It is, because we can't see what's wrong in ourselves. We need to be shown.\" He doesn't like it. Later, I'm at a hotel, a convention. The guy comes over to explain how much better he's doing and describes how he's opening conversation with people now. I am very pleased for him and sort of wonder why he's following me around on my off hours telling me this. I walk to the elevator and get in. It's very similar to the counseling room. That woman is there. I sit in a rocking chair, I insist. I say, \"I need it.\" The woman is crying very dramatically about someone having died and left her. I don't want to hear anymore clients. Now the elevator gets stuck. Other people are on it. Someone is murdered in an adjoining room. No one knows who did it. The elevator, which was out of control, stops finally. A small man with grey hair pops out fast. I suspect him. Then another one, very similar, hops out of a panel near the door and runs out. Now it's a James Bond movie, like, we chase after, the crazy professor spy laughing and keeping up a steady chatter, the woman and I. The spy gets on a plane and 3 planes take off. I watch as the first one catches on fire and explodes, then the second and then the third. Now we are sort of survivors of that. It's snowing, like the North pole. Survival is difficult. My character, now male, puts his feet up on a hot stove, lights a cigarette lighter and has some hot coffee and food. \"Fortunately,\" he says, \"we have the means for survival. Too bad he's here,\" referring to the crappy professor who is setting up a sleeping bag. \"He can stand anything as long as I don't touch his Mary.\" The professor echoes, \"That I couldn't stand.\" The man, \"or that other woman.\" Professor, \"I could stand that, but I wouldn't like it.\" The man, \"or....\" Professor, \"I could stand that...\" on it goes." }, { "number": "0601", "head": "11/05/84", "content": "I have a 3rd grade class. We have taken out records, music and books from the library and are looking at them. It's a bit chaotic but manageable. I receive a gift from my brother Jake. It's a small record player. The tag says, \"Rather than give the money to him, I'd rather give this to you.\" I think he meant tax money to the government. We are playing rectangular records. The kid helping me doesn't get it quite right. Time's up for class. They all straighten their desks and quiet down. They have big poster books open to a page of alligators. I shush them and then tell them I'm very happy, thrilled, and excited about their good behavior. I dismiss them." }, { "number": "0602", "head": "11/05/84", "content": "Looking for taxis in Mexico, maybe. I find a building with taxis in it. I can't decide which one to take. Each has a sign that tells where they go. Paulina, Ellie and I continue walking. I see they both have some candy they took. I tell them to take it back. \"That is stealing!,\" I say. [BL]" }, { "number": "0603", "head": "11/08/84", "content": "I am visiting someone, I think Thea. I'm on the porch. The neighbors are around. A woman is talking. She says she's the land lady of a place up the street. There is a young couple that can't afford the rent. She's willing to cut the rent in half if others are willing to help raise the rest of the money. They ask me to donate. I hem and hah and finally agree to chip in 1 dollar. My daughter Dovre agrees to add some change. Then the girls go out to collect more money. We take it and some food to a gathering. I am thinking, \"Maybe I'll keep my dollar since it was my girls that raised the money,\" but I feel shamed and cheap and leave it in. At the gathering, there are lots of people. A principal of the school asks me to compare my daughter's school with my own. I say, \"There's not much to compare. There was the 1950's and now there's the 1980's but they are blended together. They are the same in many ways!\" It's time to leave, I can't find my shoes, or the bowl the fruit came in. Then we find both. Out in the street, a strange looking midget walks by. As I go into a house, I hear Dovre calling for her dad piteously like he's drunk and lost in the neighborhood. [BL]" }, { "number": "0604", "head": "11/10/84", "content": "I am with a good-looking man. He and I have had some difficulty in the sexual part of our relationship. I feel a freeing feeling, exhilaration because now I want to make it work. I look forward to being sexual with him. Then we are in bed, but he's Uncle Wilbur. I'm feeling very disappointed. At first I feel, \"Oh well, maybe it will work out,\" and then I feel the old, \"Oh well, I'll just fake it again\" feeling." }, { "number": "0605", "head": "11/10/84", "content": "I'm very busy and I get a message that on Sunday I have to go to West Virginia because Howard's mother (Thea) died. I feel sad and sort of don't want to go because it will take too much time away from other things." }, { "number": "0606", "head": "11/11/84", "content": "I'm in some group session, a facilitator. A woman rushes over to Eric and jumps on him. She wants to be affectionate and possibly sexual with him. Because he's blind, it startles him a great deal. He's scared. He throws himself face forward on the ground to protect himself. She is upset and angry because all she's got to contact is his back. She goes away. Eric sits up. There are tears in his eyes. He needs my support. He reaches over and envelopes me in a hug. The woman is crying too. She feels rejected. She's trying to pull Eric off me so she can be hugged by me. I tell her to wait. I say, \"I know you feel badly and I want to help, but you have to understand. Eric's blind. You scared him. He needs me more.\" [BL]" }, { "number": "0607", "head": "11/11/84", "content": "Another dream with lots of hugs. A baby boy cries. I hug him and hold him. I feel protective of him from a woman who doesn't understand so much." }, { "number": "0608", "head": "11/12/84", "content": "I am helping at a cafeteria style restaurant. I dish up the potatoes, mashed, the peas and the gravy. Some of the customers are impatient. They want the spare ribs and aren't interested in the side dishes. I tell them they have to get the side dishes first. After awhile, I run out of potatoes. It's time to clean up and leave. My man and I finish up and start to walk over to our quarters. We have our arms wrapped around each other tightly. It is affectionate togetherness. We walk in unison. Someone is thinking, \"Aha! Love among co-workers. I didn't know they were a pair!\" We go in to sit at a long table. My chair is broken. It has no seat and it's crowded up next to co-worker Jerome. I remove it to get another chair. Now it's bedtime. I go to my room. Now that I have a man, it is changed. A blue bedspread. The clothes are all picked up. The pink stand is on my side. I get into bed. He's already there. We cuddle." }, { "number": "0609", "head": "11/12/84", "content": "I'm a Queen, maybe Elizabeth. I am visiting a country, probably Iceland. It's nearing the spring there. I must walk across the ice floor. It's dangerous. If I step on the wrong part, I'll slip in. Guards come with me to hold on to me and point the way. They place cardboards and pillows when I should step. I tell them, \"My balance isn't good because of my ankles.\" Off we go. I nearly fall in several times. We get to the side where I sit in a chair at a table. It is sitting on the ice!" }, { "number": "0610", "head": "11/13/84", "content": "A small kitten follows me everywhere. It is intense! I am annoyed. It won't leave me alone. I decide it has to die. I put it in a cupboard and put a gas pellet in there. I notice there are some rabbits in there too. They are in plastic bags. I pull them out. The kitty is trying desperately to get out. I shut the door. After awhile, I notice that there is a white mist in the room and I realize that the kitten has put the gas pellet in my room. Coughing, we escape outside. Later, I hear that cousins Patricia and Terence are getting married. I am concerned, after all, they are already brother and sister. Then I think, \"I guess it's O.K. They are really just cousins.\"" }, { "number": "0611", "head": "11/13/84", "content": "There is a Mexican general. We are in Mexico. He has the power. I am trying to work around him, hoping he won't notice me so much." }, { "number": "0612", "head": "11/14/84", "content": "I'm teaching Spanish to a small group while the teacher is out. I create a long sentence and write it in English on the board. \"The City of Springdale with clothes and things give me XXX.\" I am standing at the board asking the group to give me words in Spanish, la cuidad de Springfield, etc. I lament that I should never have chosen this sentence; it's too complex. I ask 3 women to tell me in Spanish what they see out the window. They do so. I don't understand all they say but I pretend to do so. I look out and I say, \"Unhippie.\" Then, co-worker Tyler comes by wearing hippie clothes, rhinestones on his face, a moustache, etc. We talk. Then it's time to leave. We are all camping near by for the weekend. We step into the bathroom. A woman complains that when we turned on the water, it put cold water in her shower and she wasn't done yet! We go to the bathroom and then notice there is an organ in the room. Then we go outside to get into the VW bus. I get in and it's cold. The seats are like rocks inside a refrigerator. I am a passenger in the back. The driver is paralleling the ocean. We hear rock and roll. Someone says, \"Johnny XXX is here.\" I'm glad. Then the driver drives into the ocean, paralleling the road. I say, \"You're in the water. Is that safe?\" She says, \"Sure. I'm on the beach. No problem.\" We then are still in the car but are standing and running, our feet splashing on the water-soaked grass. I look up. A fat yellow woman is ahead. Even her nipples are yellow. We nearly crash. Now we are running along side the VW bus." }, { "number": "0613", "head": "11/15/84", "content": "A surging electric sort of power comes from the mother on high. It is a blue light and it enters my body. I feel the surge and then I feel an orgasm." }, { "number": "0614", "head": "11/15/84", "content": "I'm at a hotel. I see some people perform. I go back to my hotel room to get my script. I find part of it. Then I realize some girls in the room next door destroyed my script. They are aiming a gun at me from a hole in the wall. It squirts water. I try to duck but I get wet. They are angry at me. Maybe I stole their man. I try to piece together the script. Someone says, \"You can come on stage as my assistant.\" I am quite displeased. To just be an assistant? Then they suggest I can probably remember the script anyway." }, { "number": "0615", "head": "11/15/84", "content": "I am a man, swimming in a river. There is danger. I swim and save Superman. We get to shore. Superman shoots arrows into the swarm of alligators that had been chasing us. He tells me I have been chosen to be the leader of a religion. I am to walk up a hill to my new temple and meet my bride. I do so but I'm uncertain. It's a steep hill and I find an old run down building. I guess it's not fancy because we are a primitive tribe and it's trying to blend in. The first floor is empty probably for meetings and dormitories. I go upstairs. It's the \"church\" part. On one wall is a row of small square windows letting in beams of light. The room is dark. I see the alter and feel great relief. The symbols of the god are similar to our tribal god. I go behind the alter and find a small crowded kitchen. A blond woman is working and I realize that is to be my bride. We are both embarrassed and kind of look each other over. An older woman is working too and she says she'll help out for awhile. I say, \"Oh good and maybe you'll stay and do the work.\" She gives me an exasperated look and says, \"I'm a woman and I do woman's work and I don't get paid. Everyone thinks I'll help out for free. I want to be paid.\" I say, \"Oh, sorry! Sure.\"" }, { "number": "0616", "head": "11/15/84", "content": "I'm riding a horse, galloping. Someone, maybe my father, says, \"She sure is riding well.\" I'm surprised. When I get off at the end, I feel pain when I try to return. I can hardly get back on." }, { "number": "0617", "head": "11/16/84", "content": "I'm angry at Lisa. She tells my brother Dwight to drive her to school. I tell her to wait and I'll take her to school. She ignores me and goes. My \"step-mother\" keeps spraying me with perfume. I am annoyed and I tell her to quit it! I tell her that I am what I am and I won't change. I dress casually and act informal. I'm still trying to get ready for school. Jake keeps squirting water at me. I'm annoyed at everyone." }, { "number": "0618", "head": "11/17/84", "content": "The girls and I are going swimming. I get in the shallow end and dog paddle around gingerly. Then I feel challenged to swim with long strokes out to the deeper area. I do so somewhat hesitantly. I stay near the pool edge and Dovre stays by to rescue me if necessary. We get out of the pool/lake. It's fairly crowded. We start to walk down the street. I have trouble walking because my both legs are in one pant leg, like in my mermaid suit. I kind of shuffle, hop along. Then it changes to normal and I walk. I notice a Christmas parade is coming down the street. It's colorful and noisy. We stop to watch it go by. My grandparents (Agnes & Clyde) are there and so is Aunt Esther. The parade is sort of happening through their living room. There are lovely, yellow, lemon-smelling candles. She sure has a lot of candles; her kids must be at that age. Grandma Agnes quarrels about a duck bowl. Rochelle is sitting on a piece of furniture doing a commercial. Half-way through, she runs out of things to day and hops down. I am annoyed at her. She finds a book and asks me to explain it to her. I start teaching about saying yes to a scene and not giving up. She seems to be interested. [BL]" }, { "number": "0619", "head": "11/19/84", "content": "Some people and myself are on vacation. We're driving home. I'm driving. I need to stop at a rest area to pee. I pull over. It's a bumpy ride and I have some trouble getting the car to stop. We all get out. I can't find a bathroom. A woman calls me over to see a big booth with used clothes in it. I think, \"Great,\" and I start to sort through them. I find some I like and take them, feeling a little guilty. Then I find myself putting some back from my own clothes in the car. I'm trading all my old things I don't want anymore for old things that are new to me. It helps me feel less guilty. I have some baby outfits. I comment that they are too small for the baby now. I say, \"Hey, you don't have to leave the hangers too.\" Then I see a Mexican skirt of mine that I like and I say, \"No, don't trade that one,\" and I take it back. I go to the car and come back. A young good-looking cop is there. The woman says, \"I told him you were driving.\" I realized that I was the only sober one in the group. Everyone else had been drinking. She then says, \"We're being fined for taking these clothes.\" I asked how much the fine is. He says, \"$100 each!\" I am shocked. Then he asks me to walk over to where we had first been pulled over. He takes my elbow and asks if I can manage. I say, \"Of course!\" There is attraction and antagonism to him. We go there. He says, \"What do you see?\" I look and see what looks like a meter box. It says \"Department of Motor Vehicles.\" I say that. He says, \"No! Look again.\" Then I see the ocean, the big waves crashing onto the shore. I say, \"Oh ya, that!\" He says, \"Why are you over here looking at a little rest stop and not over there looking at that?!\" I sigh and explain, \"We've been looking at that for a week now. We're tired of it and we're on the last leg of the journey for home. We just wanted to stop for awhile.\" Then he walks me back to the car. It's going to be towed. I think I called to it by name and it came to me. I convince the cop that we are O.K. He and I look at each other warmly." }, { "number": "0620", "head": "11/19/84", "content": "I want to invent something or discover something no one else has. I decide to time a flock of sheep as they run up a steep hill. I run up the hill with them to chase them, so they don't scatter. If I take it one step at a time, I know I'll make it. I get to the top and find Lydia's house. I go in to wait. We chat. I see there are some dishes to do. I race with Lydia to get to the sink first. I dip my fingers in the water and say, \"Me first.\" We laugh. She finally gives in and lets me. I start washing. I think I see one of my daughters in the sink. I put my hands on my hips and say, \"Ellie, get out of there now.\" A man is watching all this and smiles. Then I don't see her. I say, \"How embarrassing. I thought she was in the sink.\" My cousin Deirdre is there. As I'm washing dishes, Doug and Lydia tell me about a new kind of wool they've discovered. The sheep gave a wool that is a natural polyester. I look at the knitted sweaters and admire how nice they look and feel. Then Lydia goes outside. Suddenly she wells to me to get the gun off the top of the refrigerator and save her. She is being attacked by a beast. She is screaming. I run to look for the gun. I find lots of junk and pliers but no gun. I feel helpless and frustrated and I paw through the junk frantically. She keeps crying out for me. I feel hideous. I try to make a gun appear via using my thinking powers, but no dice." }, { "number": "0621", "head": "11/20/84", "content": "We are moving back into the M City house. My parents and I are tired but are putting things where they belong. I look around the room. I put my books on a book case. I start sweeping dirt up, my mother is too. We get in each other's way. Finally, we get the floor clear. Someone vacuums the carpet. Paulina moves my bookcase into place. I'm disappointed and say, \"No, not there. I can't see it.\" She shifts it around and books fall sideways and all over. My father insists on moving the piano near that corner. I look around and see lots of old furniture, records and stuff, all my parents stuff. I see the beauty of the room, the lovely windows, the beautiful hard wood floor, and I feel sad that I can't just get more of my parents' stuff out and let the room be mine. Aunt Elaine is there. My mother looks out at the mail boxes and says, \"The bills are gone. Someone has picked them up.\" She's annoyed. I start reading a book that explains that there are hidden puns in dreams. It shows words and how when you break them up, you find the answer (Er rick da Erro Rick, Spanish for gives), like that. There were other examples. It made me want to examine my dreams more closely. Then we get in our car. My father is driving and I'm thinking, \"Well, here I am in M City again. What will it be like this time? Who will I meet?\"" }, { "number": "0622", "content": "(11/20/84)(Before above dream) I'm in the M City house. Pete and I are dancing slowly and closely. It is intimate, cuddly, and sweet. We kiss. I think, \"If we keep this up, we'll get sexually excited.\" A young teen girl says, \"That's O.K! Sex is a natural function.\" She suggests we get come cancer sticks and have fun. We are in the kitchen of the M City house." }, { "number": "0623", "head": "11/22/84", "content": "It is a performance and it is my turn to dance. My partner and I start dancing but he leads us in an improvisational dance instead of the one we had rehearsed. We do well. The large audience applauds loudly, warmly and long. I look for and signal for the rest of the troupe to join us in the finale curtain call. They are slow in doing so. I think, \"I really like this,\" and bow to the audience." }, { "number": "0624", "head": "11/23/84", "content": "I have a ray gun and I'm told I have to use it on \"the other side.\" I don't want to. The leader and I of \"our side\" go way up into the bleachers to watch the piano concerto of the red headed leader of \"the other side.\" His eyes follow me and even though I'm a mere speck in a crowd of people. I experience intense eye contact from him. He plays beautifully. At intermission, the leader and I go down to congratulate him. We are disguised. He recognizes me and doesn't say anything. Later, I must use my ray gun on a group of 5 people who are the leaders of \"the other side.\" It sort of melts them into a trance or kills them. One woman gets angry and is surrounded by the color purple. The rays don't work on her. I tell my friend, \"Don't let her tell anyone else or we're in big trouble.\" I go the other man who is in a trance and tell him not to believe what JoAnne will tell him. I repeat it in the mike of his video equipment. He agrees." }, { "number": "0625", "head": "11/23/84", "content": "Bonnie asks me to walk with her to go get something she forgot. We are packing for a trip. We walk down a hill and she asks if it will be too hard for me to wade in the water and grass. I am a little annoyed but say it's O.K. I slosh around a little unbalanced at times. I get the items she had forgot. They are metal refrigerator racks. As I'm walking back, Bonnie says, \"Be careful!\" I look around to see what the danger is. I see nothing amiss. She says, \"There can be danger from salt.\" She means that when I hug the metal racks, corrosive salt could get on me. We go back up the hill and find ourselves in Mexico, in a park plaza sitting on a bench innocently flirting with guys. A Mexican cop comes and arrests me. I laugh because it must be some joke or misunderstanding. He is serious and takes me to jail. I tell Bonnie to help me, \"Don't let me be forgotten.\" Then the cop takes me to the desk clerk. He says, \"Here she is.\" I say, \"Have you seen this face on any wanted posters?\" She is unsure. I figure she should realize and let me go. She doesn't. We walk down long steps and corridors to my cell. Mostly guys are in this wing and it makes me nervous. Paulina and I are getting locked up in a tiny cell." }, { "number": "0626", "head": "11/24/84", "content": "A guy was announcing that he wanted $9 to help a young woman escape (East Germany or some place). He was on a radio downstairs. I was upstairs. A man came over with a box that had $2.25 written on it. He apologized because it wasn't much but it was all he could afford. I called it downstairs, leaning over the banister. The two more men offered $5 each. Hooray, we made our goal. I left for a moment and came back. The guy was angry at me because he had told me to stay there!" }, { "number": "0627", "head": "11/24/84", "content": "I am in a house. We hear some kind of noise and go investigate. We open a hole in the floor and peek down. It is a fraternity and they are having a sing along concert. We laugh and make fun of them. They get very angry at us." }, { "number": "0628", "head": "11/25/84", "content": "I'm moving and I must go to the biology office to get some books so I can know more about the department. I have a cut on my finger. The department head says co-worker Josh told him to watch out for me. He stares at me and we both laugh. We don't know why he said that. A good-looking guy, a teacher, is watching me. The secretary gets me 5 or 6 books and I leave. I get in an elevator that is as large as a room, with furniture in it. I go to the back and then turn around and go to the front, stepping over furniture. I get out and I'm in search of another department office but I can't remember which one I'm looking for. I go down the corridor. I see Co-worker Josh in the cafeteria. I show him my cut finger. He asks me if I'm going into the cafe line. I say, \"No, I'm on my way.\" I continue on. I see a violent man and his woman. They hit and throw things. I try to sneak away from them. I go into an empty office to call security. I try to lock the door but he's pushing on the door. They get in. I'm pretending to talk to some friend but it's really security. I don't fool the guy. He leaves the room, starting a dangerous fire outside the door. I go to a small window to break it so I can escape. It's too small, so I scurry out to the hall and find a bigger window. I escape." }, { "number": "0629", "head": "11/26/84", "content": "I'm walking and it turns into a journey. First, it's summer and quite lovely. Then, it's winter, with snow and hills. I stop at a cafe to rest. Some idiot man tries to harass me. I yell at him to leave me alone. I'm tired and I don't need him. He keeps it up. I get up and leave. I walk now. I am stopped at a large body of water. I'm trying to figure out how to get to the other side. A man offers a sort of ladder, boat. I put a small baby in my backpack. The \"audience\" is anxious, hoping I don't fall in the water. I make it to the other side. I mourn the fact that because I'm on a journey I can't take my \"things.\" There are piles of boxes and sacks, small teddy bears, Christmas decorations, etc. Then I leave everything and continue on my journey." }, { "number": "0630", "head": "11/29/84", "content": "I am going to the beach. I have my 2 piece swim suit on but the top is a little loose and the nipples show. I go inside the building. I can't find my towels and then I find them in my hands, dragging in a puddle. I go to the bathroom and think, \"Now how am I going to get my top back on?,\" (I had taken it off to go to the bathroom). Mirabelle comes along and ties the strings for me. We start to go outside. Now I see a woman sort of dancing. As she dances, she transforms herself into a series of plastic shapes. Finally, there is nothing left but objects de art. A chubby faced man with bad teeth, notices this and starts wondering out loud how to make the most money. He asks me to move out of the aisle so customers can get to them. I go up first and see a plastic square that has her picture in it. As I look at it, she winks at me and says things. I ask how much and pay $2.00 feeling I've got a good bargain. I show it to Bonnie and say, \"Watch this!\" She (the picture), doesn't move! I say, \"Oh great, now Bonnie will think I'm crazy.\" I advise Bonnie to stare at it until she does move. She finally does. It's a wondrous gift. She can tell me things I need to know." }, { "number": "0631", "head": "11/29/84", "content": "I go to the bathroom. A young boy is playing nearby and drags his plastic toy through the urine. I tell his mother and then take it to the sink to clean it. As I do so, Lydia comes over. She looks horrified and says, \"Oh! There's a louse.\" She sees two or three on the sink and my hand. She looks at me. I say, \"I don't have lice!\" She is suspicious of me. I walk out to the car. My \"man\" is there. We sit in the back seat together with some of Lydia's kids." }, { "number": "0632", "head": "11/30/84", "content": "I'm at grandma Mildred's house, packing to go somewhere, maybe school. Bonnie is around. Then my \"son\" wants to build a harp. I tell him, \"That's too hard,\" but he insists and does build an ornate, complex instrument that sort of folds up. I then find a picture, a photo, where you can see the jigsaw patterns. One part still has the puzzle pieces on it. We remove the parts. Something is wrong with the lady's eye. I called it a name and ask what was wrong. No one knew. The boy is impressed. He says he's amazed at how talented I am. I am equally amazed because he's more talented than me! Doctor A, doctor drama, acting." }, { "number": "0633", "head": "12/01/84", "content": "I am on a boat, going down the river with a man. The boat over turns and I must swim for it. The current is swift and getting swifter. We are nearing a waterfall. I struggle and get to shore and make it. I see him struggling and I give a helping hand, afraid I might get pulled back in. We make it safely." }, { "number": "0634", "head": "12/06/84", "content": "The girls and I are at a track meet. We are high in the stands and I can't see too well over the crowd. They start running. I go across to see them as they leave the stadium. Some of the runners are good looking, some are M.R.'s and are very uncoordinated. I see one in trouble and go down to help. An older man, sort of like Ray Milland, likes me and flirts. I flirt back and then go back to the top of the stadium. I watch more runners. A cow with horns threatens them. I take my German book down there. A woman official is very pleased with me and walks back up with me, encouraging me to join their elite group, with the guy too. She says, \"How do you say it in German?,\" and I say, \"Du bist muy wonderful,\" and laugh and say, \"It's a joke because the last two words aren't German.\" I remember my German book down by the cow. We go down to get it. She is very pleased with me. When we come backup, Ray Milland is walking with me arm in arm and we are laughing and enjoying each other's company." }, { "number": "0635", "head": "12/06/84", "content": "A dreadful man is threatening me. I am making sweaters and things out of kites; I'm trying to pick up the stitches. He's making me drag them and threatening to \"ream me out\" with some sinister sharp objects. I, in self-defense, stab his penis with a knitting needle." }, { "number": "0636", "head": "12/07/84", "content": "A Mexican man and myself are walking toward the beach. We are told by the gatekeeper to take a certain path. The Mexican suggests we take a short cut between two houses. We sneak by but the gatekeeper comes after us on a motorcycle. I plead, \"The reason is that I can't walk well,\" and I ask for a ride on his motorcycle. He agrees. I can't figure out where to put my feet. I figure it out and we go. We are taken to a cottage. I look for the bathroom and sit. As I sit, I see a huge mama cat feeding her many babies, some were blue and some were pink! The motorcycle man comes in and I'm a little embarrassed. Someone else points out a room and tells me there is something scary. I feel a little scared. A M.R. person comes in and I tell them it's the wrong room. I notice someone has palmed off that dead rotting on them." }, { "number": "0637", "head": "12/07/84", "content": "A man offers me a decaying carcass of a dog to take home and eat. I accept the carcass with every intention of throwing it away. I know I'd get sick if I ate it, but I didn't have the guts to refuse it. Later, I did refuse it." }, { "number": "0638", "head": "12/10/84", "content": "Dovre, Ellie, and I are going to take a walk to a gift store. We are in Mexico City. I decide that I could use my wheelchair and find downtown and really shop. Ellie argues with me and I give her a lecture about not spoiling things. I look at earrings. They are very expensive. The next store has bottled pickles or something. We leave there. We ask a man where the street is to go downtown. No answer. We walk down the hall. I see Zoe gardening. We ask her how to get to Mexico City. She laughs at us and says, \"Over there, highway 101.\" She and Mabel get in an argument and keep looking at me like I'm the mediator. I don't want the job. I decide not to go." }, { "number": "0639", "head": "12/10/84", "content": "I'm getting my teeth fixed." }, { "number": "0640", "head": "12/11/84", "content": "Grandma Mildred's house. There are lots of people." }, { "number": "0641", "head": "12/11/84", "content": "A group of people are taking a walk. Mondale, my husband, is ahead of me. We are walking on a narrow rocky path next to a pond of water. Mondale slips and falls in. I manage to stay on the path. He gets out and falls in again. Then we all sit down on the path to listen to speeches. Mondale starts speaking. It's pretty boring. They ask me to speak. I point out I'm smarter and more interesting to listen to. Later, a comedy troupe does a bit where a woman kisses a woman. They all look for the crowd's reaction. Everyone laughs. One member of the troupe says, \"See, they don't approve.\" I disagree. I think they like it." }, { "number": "0642", "head": "12/15/84", "content": "I'm at work but it is the old M City house. A man asks me about my banjo. I had advertised it for sale. I say, \"Oh yes,\" and bring it out. It's all beat up, with strings missing, a guitar neck, and a square cigar box body. He's pretty contemptuous and asks brusque questions. I can't remember some of the answers of how to restring it and so on. The man, an administrative person in a 3 piece suit, asks me how it will sound, seeing as how it is so crummy. I am a little annoyed and say, \"It's the length of the neck and the size of the body that makes the sound.\" He had suggested we change it radically. He says, \"Let me hear it.\" I try three chords, after trying to remember which ones go together. I do A, E and D? It is lovely. We are both impressed. He says, \"Well, I am interested. Let's have dinner tomorrow night and discuss this in more detail.\" I agree, trying to remember his name. I thought it was Bill Pourter. I feel a little scared as it's plain. It's a date. I look at myself. I'm wearing a lovely dress, with nylons, my hair done nicely, etc. Ethan comes in and asks where his photo album is, the one with his wedding pictures in it. It's not where he left it for people to see. I say, \"I'll go ask Valerie,\" and I'm thinking, \"Oh, I want to look at them.\" Valerie says, \"There's a check out sheet near the place where they were.\" Ethan says, \"It's gone too.\" Valerie says, \"Oh, it must be one of the 'boys'. They probably have it,\" (her office is in the kitchen)." }, { "number": "0643", "head": "12/16/84", "content": "I am in some kind of couch in a restaurant. Arthur comes by. We talk for awhile and then we start kissing. I don't feel sexually excited but I am glad. I feel warm and loved. I am happy that he likes me even though I feel the fear that it won't work out. He says he's going to a movie and he'll call me later. On the spur of the moment, I decide to go to the movie with him. He says, \"Great,\" although I feel some hesitation from him, like I'm trying to rush it. He says, \"See ya there,\" and goes. I get off the couch. I feel tired and sort of regret saying I'll go, but I would like to see the movie. The woman that owns the restaurant comes to me and says she's so surprised that Arthur and I were \"oral\" so fast. I explain that we had an affair once before, \"in high school\" and then I had fallen in love with Darryl. \"It really was love,\" I say. She says, \"Well, it's none of my business.\" We go up to another restaurant to eat before I go meet Arthur. As we are eating, she shows me a picture of the women that work in the library. Some of them love Arthur and she thought it best I know. They have long pointy faces and are in renaissance costumes. I then look out the window and see that the British are coming on boats. It's war. A canoe/boat with explosives is rowed under our building. It explodes and the building sways and then topples. I am at the window and as it falls. I dive out to safety in the water. I swim fast. Some bad guy is after me. Then, the water is in a narrow wooden tube. I swim. I am running through a modern city on the freeway. Then, I am swimming again with the people in hot pursuit. Again, I have to dive. There is a seal. I have to dive beyond the contaminated water or I'll get warts. I do and I continue to run and swim. I take some of the contaminated water and put it in a bottle and put it in my pocket as a weapon. I become tired. I come through a narrow window by ripping the walls out with my bare hands and barely squeezing through. I hide in a nearby clothes pile. They go on ahead of me, although they stop and look around for me for a moment." }, { "number": "0644", "head": "12/17/84", "content": "I am wearing a lovely evening gown, walking through a building hoping not to be noticed. I almost make it, but a guy whistles at me. I ignore him. He catches up with me and asks me to dance. I agree reluctantly. He says he only dances \"the box,\" i.e. he dances in a straight line backwards, then turns 90 degrees and dances the next line, etc. forming a square. He's attracted to me. I feel defensive, and somewhat stiff." }, { "number": "0645", "head": "12/17/84", "content": "I go into a cafe and sit with a group I know. I get angry at them and tell them I've had enough of them and get up to leave. I feel very angry." }, { "number": "0646", "head": "12/17/84", "content": "A man was ill and in a \"hospital.\" He gave a lecture to us. He told people he was mad at them or at least disappointed because they would come to the store and \"buy out the store and then would be too tired to come visit him.\" He'd like people to put him first, not last! He turned to me and said, \"Except you, you need to learn the opposite.\"" }, { "number": "0647", "head": "12/20/84", "content": "God and I were talking. She seemed like a nice person. She looked a little like me." }, { "number": "0648", "head": "12/20/84", "content": "Co-worker Jerome and I were talking. It was pleasant." }, { "number": "0649", "head": "12/20/84", "content": "Bonnie and I are on a vacation, traveling. We meet this nice guy who shows us the backwaters of a lagoon. The water has debris and stuff in it like snake-like plants floating in it, etc. He says, \"It used to be cleaner.\" We go to his cabin on the other side to visit. He gets food out, an egg, etc. for lunch. He and I like each other. We laugh and joke. It's fun, camaraderie. Bonnie gets sick. I sit with her and say, \"If you were counseling someone who complained of pain like you do, what would you tell them?\" I was trying to get her to be more objective. Then there is a big parade, with lovely Jamaican drums. I enjoy the beat. One of the gloats has a cook making spaghetti with hot sauce for Bonnie. I see Bonnie in the audience. We are sitting in pews. A woman says, \"Wait, your turn is next.\" They bring the next float. It has a wedding cake on it. They announce sugarless cake for the guy and myself. I am pleased. I ask what they substituted. It was honey. I start eating. Mabel takes some of the honey away. She doesn't want me to eat too much at once and get sick. I remember eating honey on bread and not getting the irregular heart beat. It is really delicious. Co-worker Tyler is there, talking. Then I'm in a class. I choose a book of Elizabeth Taylor to analyze myself with. It's a study of contrasts, she's beautiful, successful, rich and sexually active... I'm the opposite of all that. There is a poem on the blackboard, something about zoo zoo's and I am trying to figure out the connection to me." }, { "number": "0650", "head": "12/21/84", "content": "I am dancing with a man up a series of flights of stairs. It's very dramatic and faked. There are lots of hand and arm gestures. We are playing to an audience, but it's no where to be seen. Now I'm moving my files from one office to the other. Mabel has my pill box and I'm looking for her. I find it and take a white 5 mg pill thinking she forgot to give me it with the four pink ones this morning. A man comes into the office; it's Mitch. We are friendly. We look out the window and start kissing. [BL]" }, { "number": "0651", "head": "12/26/84", "content": "I am conducting some sort of class. I tell the women to break up into three groups. One group is looking for jobs. Another group is looking for career and adventure, and a third group is genuinely wanting to be housewives and mothers. They each have a group project they are working on. I go to observe each group. As they use the tinsel-like materials to create something, I notice the housewife group wears lots of frills. Then the women are leaving and they haven't completed their task. I tell them to complete it. Each group hands me their project, almost finished. They look like fancy junky designs. I'm not pleased. Then I am swimming in a narrow channel. At first my strokes are only half completed. Then I stretch out and do each stroke correctly. I am going very fast, the water sparkling. My hands cleaving the water very sharply at each stroke. Now I turn to go back. The channel narrows until it is just a metal 2 inch strip that I am climbing up. It goes straight up very high and I get scared of heights. The two tracks meet and I have to let go of one to transfer to the other. I am scared and hardly want to let go for fear of falling." }, { "number": "0652", "head": "12/27/84", "content": "Dovre, Ellie, and I are trying to find a way through to a road. It is the way to my job interview. I try several side streets but they don't go through. I backtrack and find W's house. Only the XXX's live there. I ask directions of the man. Then I decide I need to change my clothes so I'll be better dressed for the interview. I put on a blouse and a skirt. Then Dovre says, \"Look,\" and I notice that when I stand up, you can see through the skirt. In fact, my legs look real muscular and cute, with a bruise on the right side of the knee. I think about putting on an underslip." }, { "number": "0653", "head": "12/27/84", "content": "I am taking my medicine. There is a lot of different kinds. I swallow a long thin rectangular solid piece (like a piece of square chalk) wrapper and all. It's the last \"anger\" pill. I have to go get a refill. In fact all my meds need refills. I go to the lady who does that, hoping to remember all the kinds of meds I will need. A. Woods is the lady. She's sort of a witch doctor type and dances around. These are rituals. We must spread a layer of dirt and then hay on top. Another strip of dirt next to that with apples on it. There is also a layer of sewing tools to be spread. I use a rake to do it. She tells us there is a fire for the angry ritual, which I have done before and need to do again. I resent that a little but do it. There is loud incantations and fiery happenings." }, { "number": "0654", "head": "12/28/84", "content": "In 1910, the women were strong and independent, choosing not to get married. The next generation would be all for marriage and protesting and the next would be strong again." }, { "number": "0655", "head": "12/28/84", "content": "Dovre wrote me a note. It said \"B.\" I opened it up. It said that she is very displeased because when she came back, the house was a mess, half ruined." }, { "number": "0656", "head": "12/28/84", "content": "I am in a room. I go to the window to look out. The lace curtains are painted on the window. I try to move it or scratch it off. I can't see much out the window. There is a man that wants me back into a relationship with him. If I like the house, maybe I'll move back in, so he keeps checking with me to see if I like things. I travel through the rooms looking, not wanting to be back in the relationship. Too many bad, poor years. The house has many rooms. I start figuring out what each room is, a dining room, then a utility room for washer and dryer hook ups. I see a basement room. The man asks what I would put there, and I say, \"The pool table.\" He is pleased." }, { "number": "0657", "head": "12/28/84", "content": "Terence wears some fancy 1800 soldier's uniform." }, { "number": "0658", "head": "12/30/84", "content": "I am in a house and decide I want to eat pancakes. I look through the cupboards for the pancake mix but can't find it, so I use round bread and melt butter on it and put apple sauce on it. I look for the syrup but I can't find it. Bonnie is my roommate. I say goodnight to her and start upstairs for bed. I remember I didn't check all the doors and windows to see if they are locked. I feel guilty. I go to each door and window and lock them. I then go upstairs and get in bed. I wake up because \"Zippy\" the dog is in and banging everything with his enthusiastic tail. I try to figure out why he's there. I hear noises and look out my window. A boy is stealing the car. At first I think it's the first boy that I had found earlier taking things out of the trunk of Bonnie's red car, but this is a different boy (like Anthony). I call him Rizzo. The car is brown, with the windshield broken out and the frame ruined. I worry now that Ellie had snuck out to help the boy, leaving us unprotected by not locking up the house." }, { "number": "0659", "head": "12/30/84", "content": "Dwight/I leave. We are going up to the mountains to be alone. We take food. The snow is deep. We napped. When we woke up a huge bear was standing up ready to strike and eat us up. We threw our food at him and barely escaped! We went back down and looked for our old apartment. My father and my mother watched us from their apartment window. We found it, #18. We went in only to discover someone else had already moved in. We tiptoe out hoping that they don't catch us. We walk on. Finally, it is time to return. We have to jump from a very high bridge and swim a very deep and wide river. We poise to dive and we're scared. I make the bridge come lower and we jump in. It is very shallow and then after a few strokes it is very deep. We swallow a little water and struggle but we make it to the other side." }, { "number": "0660", "head": "12/30/84", "content": "A musical play is opening. I am in my wheelchair. The lines of marchers with their flags line up. The stage manager wants me to be well out of sight and grabs my chair and drags me to the place. I am angry and tell him not to do that! He should tell me where the place is. I'd get there probably faster than he could. He apologizes. It's my car. The marchers are behind the audience and they have sung and marched up the aisles to the stage. I suddenly realize there is no ramp but only stairs. The stage manager says he'll carry me. I reluctantly agree. We (the birds) go up the aisles singing the same song and as we get to the stage I see that R. has ramped it! We glide up to our places backstage. The marchers enter singing about how they have two feet and in bluesy notes we add that we have one and do the same things! It's an upbeat fun song. Rochelle forgets her lines and I cue her. It's Mark H., not Merle. It's a fun choreographed opening with walkies and wheelies working together. \"We've got two feet and we can walk...\" (stamp, stamp). \"We've got one foot and we get there too...\" (roll, roll turn)." }, { "number": "0661", "head": "01/04/85", "content": "I am kissing my \"grown\" son, to show him how I am worried that someone may see us and think it's for real, I keep the sexual feelings out of it." }, { "number": "0662", "head": "01/04/85", "content": "I have a neighbor; he visits frequently. We are friends. He starts kissing me very gently and kindly. I like him very much. We realize we are going to be lovers. It's very nice. I feel happy. Then I realize the bad guy neighbor is on his way to visit me and I don't want him to know about my new relationship. I \"see\" him coming down the road. He's riding in some open air vehicle and has crows that talk. He sends one on ahead to give me the message that he's coming to visit. I hurry to get my friend out. I leave a message that I've gone to a small family birthday party at my brother's house next door and he can drop in if he wishes. I hope my good friend doesn't decide to drop by too. It would make things more difficult. [BL]" }, { "number": "0663", "head": "01/06/85", "content": "I am aware that it is important to let out my anger because that is what's keeping me ill. If I express my anger, then I will become well." }, { "number": "0664", "head": "01/06/85", "content": "I am in a building. I go down a long flight of stairs to a small hall or porch. It's time to get color draped. A male attendant brings the first color. It is blue. I say, \"Oh good. That's my favorite color.\" That should indicate something. He tries dark blue first. I put on a knitted sweater and pants. He puts on my makeup. I look lovely. Next he tries yellow, then red, then black. He is very tender, and I think he likes me. Then it's time to go. There's sort of an earthquake. Then the building starts flying. We are traveling over the traffic. The freeway is below us, the noise and the pollution, I don't go too high because I'm afraid of flying. Then it's time to swim. I go to the shallow end of a pool. He (the attendant) is watching me, lovingly. I swim laps. Then a little boy swims up to me. I pick him up and take him to the edge. I ask who let him in. Someone says they did. So I have to let him swim but I don't want to because he's so little I'm afraid he'll drown." }, { "number": "0665", "head": "01/06/85", "content": "I am like Olga, a Spanish-speaking wife of a TV show personality. I am shy and sweet. My husband arranges an audition for me. Jerry Lewis is the producer. He says, \"Start the camera,\" and I go camera shy, hardly able to speak, then he says, \"Camera off, \" and I feel better. Only he left one on so I nod and talk and everyone thinks I'm great. My husband and I are going to do a show together." }, { "number": "0666", "head": "01/09/85", "content": "I am in the M City house living room but it's sort of a classroom. A teacher is writing on the board, in English. An Arab man gets up to explain it to his people He speaks in English and writes on the board in Arabic. I hear people in the audience complain because they can't read it. I laugh and point out that now the shoe is on the other foot, now we know how they felt. Later, I'm sitting on a couch. The Arabic man is talking to his young son. He calls him B. I call the boy over and ask him what his name is. He tells me. It's not mine. I say, \"Oh. I thought you had the same name as me.\" I am holding a cat and petting it. The boy sits in a rocking chair next to me on the couch and rocks on the cat's tail. I say, \"Be careful of the cat and me.\" He then is careful. I pull the cat out from under my skirt. A little girl comes running in and wants to be petted too. Then she is a cat and I have both of them in my lap." }, { "number": "0667", "head": "01/17/85", "content": "I am in a box of some kind. When I say the \"magic\" words of, \"I am just me,\" then I am thrown clear of the box. However, you have to be careful that the box is traveling slowly or you will get splattered all over the landscape." }, { "number": "0668", "head": "01/17/85", "content": "My mother and a brother and a cousin are announced dead. I cry and feel very sad. I see a picture of Abner and say he's another cousin between Sonja and Willie." }, { "number": "0669", "head": "01/17/85", "content": "I am waiting to go to work. I sit at a restaurant table. On my left is my \"boyfriend\" and to my right is a man that wants to be my boyfriend. He is courting me. He asks me for kisses, hugs me, buys my dinner. I refuse him loudly and directly, but let him pay for the dinner. I need to know what time my next work shift is. I look on the pencil it's printed on. It's been scratched off. I am angry. I say, \"Who did this?\" knowing it was him. He apologizes, and yells out, \"I believe in abortion.\" Then he is embarrassed because everyone in the room heard him. They laugh and applaud. A couple of the booths close their glass windows to silently say they disapprove." }, { "number": "0670", "head": "01/20/85", "content": "I am flying in Terence's plane. I am a little scared that there will be an accident. I am the passenger. First, we fly just fine. Then we get to close to the ground but we can't get higher because of the wires. I am nervous we won't see them and attempt to rise and get caught in them, or hit buildings or cars because we're so low. I cry out, \"Look out for the building!\" And we swing around it, barely missing it. Then the engine stalls. Terence just opens the hood and dinks around in it. He says, \"It's nice we have such a compact little plane. Easier to fix.\" We go on." }, { "number": "0671", "head": "01/20/85", "content": "Now I'm in a town, maybe T City, looking for a particular drugstore that carries the medicine I need. I am looking for the Rexall Drugs. I call the operator. She finds it, but it isn't the right one. I try to remember the right name, Wal... something. Then as we are driving, I see two cars, Yitzak in one, Kim and Dan and family in the other. They had heard somehow about me needing the medicine and got it for me. A most fortuitous meeting. We chat. They are on their way to a vacation. I offer to pay for the expensive deposit on the meds and they say no! No problem because they can collect it back later. [BL]" }, { "number": "0672", "head": "01/20/85", "content": "I walk into an enclosed porch of a house and see Terence all dressed up in a blue suit (light blue). I exclaim, \"What a coincidence, I just dreamed about him this morning.\" I am vaguely aware that he is dead and a little surprised to see him alive. Then I see a lot of books. They are children's mysteries written by Terence. I then realize that Terence had written them. I am very surprised. [BL]" }, { "number": "0673", "head": "01/21/85", "content": "Co-worker Jerome is giving orders to Veronica about a secret book called Tripoli, or something like that. I go into the room to find out more about what is going on. Rich Freund won't let me see the book, he implies there isn't any. I ask Diane about it. I say if you don't tell me, you could get busted to janitor. She sneers and says, \"You say that like it's an insult.\" I say, \"It's the same if I was busted to classified.\" Then I decide I have to find the book and turn it in. I think Jerome has taken over the C. dept and is making judgements about people based on what's in that book. I snatch it and run for Pedro's office. Jerome and Rich follow me, very nervous. Jerome says, \"You haven't got anything on me. I haven't signed anything.\" I say, \"You wanta bet?\" He's wary and surprised. Then I open the book and explain it to the audience. It's an innocuous book with little articles and cartoons. The damning pages are the horoscope pages. People have different colored symbols and they look up their meaning. Important decisions about people's lives are being made on those silly things. Someone's day is a green 8. They have a candle, an angel's smiling face, etc." }, { "number": "0674", "head": "01/22/85", "content": "I see a bad guy crawling through my window. I pick up the phone and as I walk to the door, I dial 0 and ask for the police. I am afraid. He follows me. As I get outside, I yell for help. Uncle Lionel comes over to help me. I realize that the bad guy is Terence and hope Teri doesn't notice so he'll continue to help me." }, { "number": "0675", "head": "01/23/85", "content": "I'm in a big bed and Mabel and I are all scrunched up on one edge. A big pillow is blocking us; my leg is hanging over the edge. I'm uncomfortable and about ready to fall. The pillow is my writing. I change to the other side of the bed and the pillow is there too. Then I am standing at the foot of the bed madly writing on an easel, nonsense words. I want to stop and rest but I am driven to write." }, { "number": "0676", "head": "01/24/85", "content": "I'm going over the hill to the community college on a racing bike. It's hard but I'm doing it, going up hill. Kids Paulina's age are pulling out, but I keep going on. A guy wants to use my repair kit. I'm willing, but don't know how. He gets mad at me. I tell him I have arthritis and this isn't my equipment. He gives up the race and goes back. I go on. Now I'm going down hill fast, curves, almost too fast, barely control the bike, now going up hill. I hear a male sleazy biker friend deciding to lay out his bed on the trail. I yell, \"Get him off the trail or I'll run over him.\" I grab cigs on my way by, but they won't light or fall apart. The guys laugh because there was marijuana in one. It falls apart. I go on and against great odds I win! Exhausted but happy." }, { "number": "0677", "head": "01/26/85", "content": "I am at a dance. I look lovely in a long dress. A young man comes up and asks me to go out with him. I immediately say, \"No!\" very firm. I say, \"It's my policy not to go out with anyone here.\" Then I sit down at a table. I am sandwiched between two men, one is the one I refused. I start wondering why I turned him down, aware that it scares me to think of going out with someone. I leave. The other man follows me. He likes me and I am attracted to him. He doesn't ask me anything. He just engages me in conversation and I enjoy being around him. [BL]" }, { "number": "0678", "head": "01/26/85", "content": "I am visiting Hector in Mexico. He and I are talking. I ask him why hasn't he written? Aren't we friends any more? He moves away from me and crosses his arms. I feel sad and curious and frustrated. Then we go downstairs to see his family. I see a list of what each son got on his 15th birthday. They get $1000 or a car. Both sisters got a party. I didn't think it was fair. I notice they have remodeled their house. We go upstairs, passing another stairway going down. I am intrigued but don't go there. I see a window and outside, a push cart with books and gifts on it. I go out to see if I shall buy anything. I decide not to. I ask where Roberto is. No one knows. [BL]" }, { "number": "0679", "head": "01/28/85", "content": "I am seated at some conference. Maggie is there, Mabel and Orville, all co-workers. We are listening to some lectures. I am writing a story idea. Maggie suggests we do some stories and play. Then Mabel comes out and asks me to pay back what I owe her. I get my wallet out. She takes a $20. I am upset and ask her several times how much I owe her, expecting change. I am very upset at her and at the same time I realize she is right. I really do owe her the money." }, { "number": "0680", "head": "01/29/85", "content": "I am trying on the old-fashioned clothes of a \"grandmother.\" My \"grandfather\" who loved her very much is sharing her with me. It's a very meaningful moment for me. I put on her \"lawyer\" dress. She wore it when she worked as a lawyer. It was lovely: white ruffles, a bustle, lavender silk. I tried on another dress. It was obvious I'm too plump. The swimsuit is very sexy." }, { "number": "0681", "head": "01/29/85", "content": "There is a storm or something big happens, partially destroying the house. We go to an apartment. One room is shown to me. I pretend I don't like it. Someone says this can be Grandma Mildred's room. It's next to our room." }, { "number": "0682", "head": "01/30/85", "content": "I was moving and packing my belongings in the kitchen." }, { "number": "0683", "head": "01/30/85", "content": "I'm in the chair. I drive it over a big desk and run it over the edge. I lightly land. Someone is astonished at that. I drive away. I see my cousin Abner; he's in church. I drive up next to his desk. The minister comes up and reaches under my dress and fondles my breast. I can't believe it's really happening because we are in full view of the church members. He talks his sermon as if nothing has happened. I just stare up at him surprised. Abner sneaks a note to me. It has Pete's address on it. 509. I ask what that means. Someone says it means \"my fair lady.\" Later, Tyler talks to me about an adventure he had and how he told my stories. He has a piece of my Mexico dress around his neck. I receive a gift, a 3-D picture from the guys from Mexico. It starts transforming into a ferocious robot, but I have to hold it up because the legs were weak. Then it transformed back. CCC/D wrote the \"picture.\"" }, { "number": "0684", "head": "01/31/85", "content": "I am at my parents'. I am packing some things from a trip. A man likes me. He's arrogant. We all get in a van. He and I sit in the seat behind my father, who drives. The man and I cuddle. We kiss. It's pleasant, but I am aware he is emotionally distant, kissing me to \"show\" my father who's boss. Later, I am shopping. I see a man with a yellow shoe. He has it on his hand and is tap dancing with it. I am pleased and put on a pair, yellow satin. I tap dance. The man comes by and tells me to stop. He forbids me to tap dance. I am upset with him. I follow him to my parents house, rich, yellow color. Soft, we live there with my parents. I resent this. My mother lays a beautiful white lace night gown on my bed and wants the man and me to make love on it so the blood spots will help someone have babies." }, { "number": "0685", "head": "02/02/85", "content": "I was flying. It was nice." }, { "number": "0686", "head": "02/02/85", "content": "There were spies. I became one. They had a secret message. The spy asked me how I could get to the roof restaurant. I said we'd take the elevator. I was pleased we'd go there together because it was ritzy and romantic. We got in the elevator. I was bandaged up like a mummy and my wheelchair was more like a \"dolly\" where I was standing. As we reached the roof area, fancy waiters watched us suspiciously. There were big gangster cats watching us. We go sit at a booth. I'm not bandaged now. He holds a message and asks how I shall get rid of it. I try to light a match to burn it. The matches go out or burn my fingers. Even after I finally burn the message, I have a lump of material left and have to figure out how to get rid of that. Part of the message was money." }, { "number": "0687", "head": "02/03/85", "content": "I was defending the Eskimo culture in a courtroom situation. It is the custom of the Eskimos not to bond or show love to their babies for the first year and a half because so many of them die. If they live, then they are loved a lot. There is a white man judge and lawyer who are trying to prove this is cruel and unusual punishment. I shout at them and call them names and argue eloquently and tell that I was an Eskimo for 1 1/2 years and then a white woman. So I can understand both sides. Later I am lecturing the Eskimos' parents to take better care of the babies." }, { "number": "0688", "head": "02/07/85", "content": "I am traveling. I go to Germany. Cousin Abner is there. They are friendly. I sit in an old overstuffed chair that sort of dumps you to the floor. It's a room for old ladies. Then Dovre and I catch a bus. I can't find the ticket booth, so the driver shows me. I walk up a steep hill. The bus then takes us to Paris, France. We then walk up another steep hill to see the beautiful idyllic country scenery. We walk through a cafe and I remember I don't know how to speak French. A woman suggests I speak German. I remember I can speak Spanish. I say, \"Comer!\" Later on the hill at sun rise I am delighted with the view and at my camera ready. As I prepare to take a picture, I notice lots of people, tourists, in the way. I have waited too long." }, { "number": "0689", "head": "02/08/85", "content": "A small kitten is lying on my lap. I am amazed it can talk English! My grandfather Lloyd brings me a measuring cup with liquid in it. He says if I drink 4 swallows, take a pill, and rub some of the liquid on my wrist, I shall be able to hear and talk with my cat. I then notice there is a leak. I quickly swallow it, take the pill, etc. I call to my cat \"Kathleen.\" She looks at me, but doesn't talk. I learn she prefers to be called Kathy. Then I go out with a friend to get into a small sports car. I unlock her door. She gets in and unlocks my door. It's hard to get in. The car is so small. I notice cigs are on the outside and I start to drive. I open the door and struggle to get the almost empty pack. I think of Darryl. I drive fast." }, { "number": "0690", "head": "02/10/85", "content": "I'm painting a room, green. Some people interrupt me. They have information about the guilt of someone. They were witnesses to the burning of a Isuzu car. I leave my work to listen to them. I finally convince them to tell their story to the authorities. They won't go there in public, so I take them through a private corridor. It goes through a series of non-peopled spare bedrooms. \"The first one,\" I tell them, \"is where I go when I want privacy or quiet.\" After we go through a lot of them, I point out that this used to be a mansion. We get to the door. I instruct them to put on a oxygen mask, which is clear plastic and covers both the nose and mouth. I tell them not to be afraid. This is pure oxygen. We go into a chamber. The door closes. Water fills it up. Then the door on the other side opens into a under water world. I am immediately called to finish my hostessing chores before I can bring my witnesses to the authorities' notice. I swim out to take drinks to people, etc. The witnesses are seated at a table to eat. There is some confusion about how they can eat with their masks on so they won't drown. They work it out." }, { "number": "0691", "head": "02/11/85", "content": "I am in an apartment. There are puppies there and shit all over. I pick up one of the puppies and hold it like a baby. We go downstairs to get the manager to get them to clean up the apartment. The other woman goes to talk to her. I say I'll go too but she's afraid the manager will get upset because we have the puppy without permission. So I pet the \"baby.\" It's very sweet. My friend comes back with an industrial kit to clean out toxins, etc. We'll have to vacate for hours. A bartender points out it's the wrong kit. We just need soap and water stuff. She goes back to exchange it. Now the bartender is a union musician who has to play any song requested. The manager comes over, saying she refuses to play two songs, Jingle Bells and one other. I comment that the boss should abide by the same rules as the workers. The workers applaud." }, { "number": "0692", "head": "02/11/85", "content": "I see a man sitting on the tail of a giant fish like it was a tourist boat. It stops. The man gets off to swim and explore. The fish leaves. He is left behind. He panics because he was left in prehistoric times. I hear a dinosaur roaring. He must hide to survive." }, { "number": "0693", "head": "02/14/85", "content": "I am in a church that's sort of like black gospel but we're white. I am singing and notice the leader and I have lovely harmonic voices. We are the leaders. A small baby girl is being naughty and talking. A church member spanks her. I tell her to stop it, she is only making matters worse. I pick up the girl and hug her. She says \"It's so hard to grow up,\" and I sigh, \"I sure know what you mean.\" Then I put her down and we singing leaders march around singing. We stop. A black church group across the street teases us. The minister looks at our sexy evening dresses and yells, \"What are you trying to do, make us throw a \"mock\" fit?\" One woman is in a red \"hooker\" dress, another in a blue one. I'm in lacy white. [BL]" }, { "number": "0694", "head": "02/14/85", "content": "A Spanish woman says \"A donde es su espose?\" I answer, \"A donde! No se.\"" }, { "number": "0695", "head": "02/14/85", "content": "A man says, \"Where's the books?\" I suggest he goes to the library. I offer to go and help." }, { "number": "0696", "head": "02/15/85", "content": "I am at a big feast. A young kid is being obnoxious. We decide to not wait for a friend of a friend, and start eating. I go in and walk past the long table. As I pass one man, I ignore him and go sit at the head of the table. I have 2 choices, a high stool for sopranos or a lower one for altos. I sit on the high one." }, { "number": "0697", "head": "02/15/85", "content": "Earlier, I dreamed about Mabel. She never gets parties thrown for her and I'm going to." }, { "number": "0698", "head": "02/16/85", "content": "I am a band leader, but I've not much experience. I am to direct a musical extravaganza. Hundreds of uniformed band members are milling around, looking to me for direction. I can't find my scripts, so I glance through a book and start telling the \"regulars\" to march over there and the \"federales\" to march to another spot. They all march away and I frantically search for the score and script. Soon I notice they aren't coming back. I feel I've lost control." }, { "number": "0699", "head": "02/16/85", "content": "I make it up as I go along and order them all about. I suggest they all take off their hats and alternate playing certain notes to play the most difficult part, which is a Chopin something which is soft and sweet. That's hard for a marching band to do, but my ideas accomplish that. There is much applause. Everyone is thrilled. I suggest we take it on the road. I am walking past a tavern or cage. All the patrons are talking about my magnificent ideas. I go in and sit next to my guy. I am very happy. Suddenly, we have a fight. He's not happy about my success interfering with our time. I feel very sad but prefer to leave him than give up my new successful life style. I go to the counter and get a note from the cook, Nate, that says he really likes me. I wink and smile at him, feeling good that some man still likes me. It means I haven't given up relationships altogether just because one guy isn't pleased. The cook gives me a box of food. I try to carry it to my van. It starts to be difficult. The food spills out of the bags and I have trouble getting the wheelchair onto the van." }, { "number": "0700", "head": "02/17/85", "content": "I am cleaning up. There is a bookcase and I tidy up the piles of books and pamphlets, \"Alien,\" children's books, etc. There are lots of empty 3-ring notebooks or binders. I am keeping them; I might need them later. I find a pile of embossed pictures. I think one is of me, but it's not; it's of my cousin, Sonja. I see Abner and give him his picture. We talk." }, { "number": "0701", "head": "02/22/85", "content": "Some tall man is coming toward the house. I lock the door and rush around locking windows. I can see him through the window and he looks mean. I am afraid. \"Deb\" is going to talk to her friend who got raped last night at 4xx South B., between the grade school and junior high." }, { "number": "0702", "head": "02/22/85", "content": "I am going to a movie and go upstairs to sit in a special circle chair. There's some spy stuff going on and a brand new baby. The baby would tell me to lay her under the water so she can push a button while no one looks. I let her do that and pull her out seconds before she runs out of oxygen. Finally, I protest. She assures me she's o.k. I put my hand down there and push the button myself secretly. Then the baby and I must escape. We hide in the movie crowd. Dora and Willie are there and we agree to sit together. My round chair is sort of a wheelchair. A German general spies around. [BL]" }, { "number": "0703", "head": "02/22/85", "content": "Mitch and I talk about having tea or lunch together. Some hostility, it never works out and I let him go." }, { "number": "0704", "head": "02/23/85", "content": "There is a small baby. I lay it on its tummy. Some woman is concerned. She feels the baby is safer on its back. I change the baby's position. Then I change the diapers, several times. I ask the baby if her clothes need changing too. She says no, they aren't too wet. A man is hoping that I will go into relationship with him, making the baby his niece or nephew. He is hesitant and warm. I look over his apartment. I comment this might not do because he has lots of collections of things that a baby would disturb. I'm pleased he's so rich. We hesitantly kiss." }, { "number": "0705", "head": "02/23/85", "content": "Grandma Mildred has shampoo in her hair. She's trying to work out some catchy gunk. I go to her room. I see Grandpa Lloyd. He's in a bathtub, somewhat modest. He's cleaning silverware for their 50th Wedding Anniversary. A naked man is by the tub. I notice his small penis. I go near grandma's bed and I see I need to change my clothes and put on a black slip. I unbutton 4 to 6 blouses and I ask for help. Dovre just watches. Lucy tries to help and my mother helps. They sort of get in the way." }, { "number": "0706", "head": "02/23/85", "content": "I can't get my schedule right. I see things I wasn't prepared for. A cake sale and time to bake for it and a roast beef BBQ in Sheridan (state). I try to get it together." }, { "number": "0707", "head": "03/03/85", "content": "I'm at the house in M City. Some of the C. department is there. I am in the \"pool\" room. It's changed. Two children are going to have their hair shampooed. Large gobs are put on their head. I am worried. The shower water starts. The kids cry out. It's too hot. I then notice the water sprinkles in the ceiling are raining hot water on us. We escape the room. Then I remember my book is in there. I ask someone to help me. No one does. I do it myself. I make several trips, first for the manuscript, the hard copy and then for the disks (the soft copy) and then for the computer. I am afraid to unplug it in the water for fear of a hot shock. I do it anyway and am pleased that I am successful." }, { "number": "0708", "head": "03/10/85", "content": "I am a famous movie star and occasionally lecture at grade schools. I'm in my wheelchair. My chauffeur picks me up, in my van. We talk as he drives toward my mansion. He's new and takes the wrong turn. I give directions. I tell him to turn into the left land before we pass the columns or we'll be on the wrong road. He doesn't understand and doesn't turn in time. We curve around another way. I say it's o.k. even though I'm annoyed. I've made that mistake before too. Up here, turn right. I ask for my mail. He gives it to me and I open a small cardboard envelope that surprisingly has sexy black little bikini underwear. Another has a lace see through under skirt. I will it to be red. It slowly changes. I hold it up to me and I'm a little plump but I slowly change until I look sexy. The driver is smiling and asking what did I get in the mail? I see a toenail clipper and say I got that and industriously clip my toes! We turn right on 7th street. I say, \"This isn't the right way.\" We have to go back to the intersection." }, { "number": "0709", "head": "03/10/85", "content": "I hug Dovre and thank her for living with me this year. It was a special privilege." }, { "number": "0710", "head": "03/12/85", "content": "Ellie and I are out in the wilderness. A river in a canyon. A man, maybe my father, is sleeping on the ground. I suggest we find smooth, round pebbles for him to sleep on. It would make it better for him. Ellie drives a jeep backward up a waterfall. I am concerned, then she drives down the river. Suddenly the jeep explodes, killing family members. I am appalled and rush to look. It is discovered that the pebbles for Dad were jagged and rough and actually killed him. I am filled with guilt. I was doing it for good reasons, but I killed him." }, { "number": "0711", "head": "03/12/85", "content": "I am running at a resort. I dive into the lake, being careful not to dive deep as I don't know how deep it is. I swim, amazed at how well I'm doing. A man is interested in me, but I don't like him. He's sleazy. He follows me. I go to the resort lodge. Really crowded. Someone says, \"What does it mean when they say you are independent.\" I look at him and then demonstrate. I turn to the guy that runs the place and say I need a place to sleep. He immediately finds one for me. [BL]" }, { "number": "0712", "head": "03/14/85", "content": "Fred Astaire and I fall in love. I leave my mate to run away with Fred. We get in a beautiful, white convertible and Fred is driving. Unfortunately, he is drunk. I am curled up around him and watching the road nervously. I suggest that I drive. He says he's fine and swerves. I say, \"Let's stop at the next Inn and sleep.\" He smiles and agrees. We do that. He wakes up, sober, and crying out for his wife. He doesn't love me any more. He leaves. I'm hurt. I keep the car, but have no money. I pretend I'm wealthy. I look gorgeous in my blue evening gown of sequins and fringe, very form fitting. The guys stare at me lustily as I go by. I go to the back yard to take a morning swim. At first I can't find the swimming pool, only a shallow mud hole. Then I see it. I walk past the lovely buffet breakfast, take off two layers of slinky robes, to the enjoyment of the men that followed me from the inn. I dive in and swim back up to the surface. There are ropes across and I take one end, swim across and hook the rope both ends together. Now my way is clear so I swim. Later, I go back into the Inn. Someone says, \"She can't pay,\" and they follow me up to my room. I fess up to them and offer to sell the car (which I feel uneasy about anyway because it could be considered stolen.)" }, { "number": "0713", "head": "03/14/85", "content": "Howard is sitting on the passenger side in the front. Dovre and I are in the back of a station wagon. He puts the camera on the dashboard. I say, \"Don't put the camera in the sun. It will hurt the film.\" He is annoyed at me and I smile, because it's what he used to say to me. I take the camera and hand it to Dovre to put in its case. She doesn't do it right and I complain to her. I feel a little strange that I'm with Howard again, but it's almost pleasant. We're over the worst and have mellowed out." }, { "number": "0714", "head": "03/15/85", "content": "Two young men are thrown together. Hints of homosexuality, but they resist." }, { "number": "0715", "head": "03/15/85", "content": "I'm in some strange land where I must choose my King, or a mate. I chose one who is tall, dark and handsome. He doesn't speak much. I tell him, \"You sure are dark!\" A good tan. Then I ask him if this is the way it's going to be, hardly any communication. He smiles and says no. We then must travel to his land. We do this by stepping on specially colored \"tiles\" or squares that are floating out in space. We get there, me stepping exactly where he had stepped before. The land likes to wear lots of bright, clashy colors together--purples, reds, blues, yellows, etc, all at once. I choose to wear only one color, turquoise and white. They are quite appalled. The queen, his mother, lectures me on how I should be like them." }, { "number": "0716", "head": "03/24/85", "content": "The Birds are doing another show at Wow Hall. Rochelle and Lucy get mad at me because I tell them what to do. I tell Rochelle she can't play the piano now because we have to set up the lights and sound. They go to the dressing room and cry. I am angry and try to be everyone as I heroically set up the show alone. Then they come back out and are snotty. Paulina understands and says, \"They expect you to lead and when you do, they refuse to follow!\" I tell Rochelle to set up her synthesizer. She argues!" }, { "number": "0717", "head": "03/24/85", "content": "A man walks into a room. He is angry and so he gets to throw dishes at the wall. He has to bring his own dishes. He has a box of them, pink and blue. Now I'm in there with my dishes. They are wedding china with our invitation written in silver. I start smashing them. They are round with handles like a pizza pattern. Howard sits at a near by couch trying to get closer to me. I tell him to stop annoying me, I'm busy." }, { "number": "0718", "head": "03/26/85", "content": "Mexican family. I tell the father I like them and want to be friends. He is somewhat aloof. Then I am in bed and see a bouquet of blue and white roses from him and a copper slipper, shoe. On the heel is a imprint of a sole of a shoe, with an imprint of a sole of a shoe, etc. I think that's interesting." }, { "number": "0719", "head": "03/26/85", "content": "Lucy is putting her belongings on a shelf. It's at a basketball game. I'm dressed in slinky black lacy outfit. I go into another room. The men are very aware of me even though they can't see me. My breast keeps getting uncovered, enticingly. I wear a big yellow and black hat. It's too big and slides down over my eyes. It's says, \"Think big\" on it. I take it off." }, { "number": "0720", "head": "03/28/85", "content": "My teeth are loose and I keep pulling them out." }, { "number": "0721", "head": "03/28/85", "content": "Another person and I are on a raft in a wildly raging waterway. Several times we go under strong waves and cough and sputter back up. I am afraid! I look ahead and see it's much worse. Someone decides it's too hard for me and takes me off the raft and shuttles me to the side water. I look and we're all going to be overwhelmed with a big wave. I am less capable without my raft and feel anger at the interfering person. We are under for a long time! Holding breaths. Finally come out of it o.k." }, { "number": "0722", "head": "03/28/85", "content": "Two marine corps type brothers and I have polio and walk funny. Someone says there's not much they can do. I say to my brothers, \"Oh yes, there is. We can swim.\" I have Canadian crutches and we hobble to an enormous swimming pool. It's empty. Someone turns on sprinklers. I say, \"Quit kidding around,\" then the pool fills up and we strongly swim many laps. Some snotty rich guy tells one of my brothers he has to get back to work. I tell him go away. We have rich parents to support us. We don't have to work." }, { "number": "0723", "head": "03/29/85", "content": "One farmer has all the water and grows lush veggies and food. We all have to pay him. I decide to go talk to him and reason with him. People laugh at me. I go there and say, \"I'd like some of your water.\" He stares at me, shocked by my foolishness or courage. I don't know which. He laughs. Now I'm in trouble! He's going to make it hard on me. My \"husband\" and I try to farm our land. I come home to find all the windows opened and our food dumped out of the fridge. I am angry and call \"Mr. Scott\" up on the phone. A man answers and I ask for Mr. Scott. He says he's not home. I say, \"Then let me talk to Mrs. Scott.\" He says, \"Which one? The first one?\" This is somehow important information I wasn't supposed to know. I leave a message. I tell him that this time of rule is nearly over. We are gathering strength and he will be over thrown. The tides go in and the tides go out. All I have to do is wait and then he will be out." }, { "number": "0724", "head": "03/30/85", "content": "I am cleaning out a refrigerator. I tell Howard that I'll do the house work stuff for the first two days of spring vacation and then I'll write for the rest of the time. He starts an argument about how I spoiled some sales of our furniture. He lectures me on how much each expensive piece of furniture cost him. I go to the table and set it for the children. They are noisy and hide the glasses. I wonder why I'm doing the housewife mother job again. I think, \"I don't like this.\"" }, { "number": "0725", "head": "04/01/85", "content": "Uncle Willis is singing a song and Aunt Muriel joins him. They are wearing clown makeup. Patricia is talking. It's Terence's funeral. I sit up front facing Patricia. Lots of people seated, like at a banquet." }, { "number": "0726", "head": "04/01/85", "content": "I am tired and get up. I go into a common dining room. I see eggs frying and get a spatula to turn them over. They break and are difficult. Co-worker Juliet gets a very long handled spatula and does it. Sheila J and I talk. Mabel tells me my dress is on inside out. She says she'll stay with me for awhile. I say, \"Great! Let's ride horses.\" She groans. I say, \"Just for 15 minutes.\" She reluctantly agreed. I wonder why I want to; it's silly. Juliet asks what language class I'm taking from Sheila J. I say French and change it to poetry. I try to explain to Sheila why I'll be absent for the first week because of the counselor work schedule." }, { "number": "0727", "head": "04/02/85", "content": "Tyler and Jerome are in a bedroom together. They are breaking up, arguing and upset. I interrupt them because Grandma Mildred has requested shaving equipment so she can shave Grandpa Lloyd. I ask if I can borrow one from them. They are very annoyed with me and glare, but Tyler gives me his mug and straight razor. I am concerned if Grandma can use it safely." }, { "number": "0728", "head": "04/06/85", "content": "I am in the M City house. Snow is all over the floor. A lump is in the center. It may be my Mexican ceramic cat all covered with snow. I look up at the walls. They have been stripped and new wallpaper is going up. I explain to someone that my mother has decided to wall paper. I comment that I prefer paint. I don't like wall paper, but oh well!" }, { "number": "0729", "head": "04/08/85", "content": "A long journey through the night. At one point, I am in the back seat of the car, and no one is driving. We nearly hit a parked car! I crawl over the seat to get into the driver's seat. I feel tired and sluggish. I drive. We arrive at a cafe, like 5th street market, counter culture hippie haven. Raul is there. He came with me and immediately finds another woman to flirt with. I keep moving back into a corner, looking all around me. I see Raul lie down with the woman. They are going to make love, right in front of me. I feel hurt, angry. I don't say anything, I just think, \"Don't you dare make love to her!\" I see charming, bearded men; they don't see me. I keep backing into the corner, my hand covering the vagina area." }, { "number": "0730", "head": "04/08/85", "content": "The next morning, no sleep. Raul, his woman, Bonnie and I go to a hotel room. I am very tired. I want to sleep, but first I want to go to the bathroom. I go into one of 3 small bathrooms. I can't get my pants down. I call Bonnie and she helps. First, we peel off the bathing suit bottom. It is tight and painful. Then the regular panties and then the pampers diapers. Raul comes by and I'm embarrassed. He'll see the diaper. It comes off. Again, I'm backed into a corner, my hand shielding the genital area. Raul goes into the next bathroom and sits on the toilet. I can see his long legs sassily crossed over from under the curtain. He lifts the curtain up and smiles at me. I see a bathtub with hot water waiting. I say, \"Is that a hot bath?\" He says, \"Yes. Why don't you join me?\" I sigh and say, \"I just think I might.\" Bonnie warns me not to. I would love to just relax in the tub with Raul's arms around me. Then some men walk in, looking for me. I crouch down into my corner again. A man tells me they need my help. His friend had a shooting accident and is going blind, but he wants to be a race car driver. The man is embarrassed and hides. I see his glasses with a bullet hole through it. I tell him, \"If that's what he wants, then go for it. Do it! Find a way to make it work!\"" }, { "number": "0731", "head": "04/09/85", "content": "I am angry at Tom Selleck because he flirts with me but is committed to another woman." }, { "number": "0732", "head": "04/10/85", "content": "I see a beautiful woman laying on a gravel island. I then go to the top apartment where a very rich man lives. I think no one is home, so I sneak in and peek out the window. It is clear that the view is perfect for seeing the girl on the beach. Suddenly I am aware that he is still there. I lay down behind the couch, between it and the window, and hide. The rich guy and Jerome walk back and forth, standing very close and caressing. It's a very intimate relationship. Jerome goes to the window to look at the girl. He is standing too close to me. I am afraid he'll discover me. The rich man laughed seductively and teases Jerome about his gift to him (the sexy-looking girl). Jerome and the rich guy stand near the couch and kiss. I am afraid I'll sneeze or cough and they will find me. Then Jerome's wife comes in. She is shocked. She tries to eat a few potato chips Jerome has in a snack bag. He won't share. She's upset and pleads. \"You won't even share food.\" Suddenly Jerome, leaning on the couch, sees me. He's angry and starts to kick me. I growl, \"Don't you dare kick me.\" He stops. Then I pretend to have passed out behind the couch from the water drink which was really vodka. I pretend to be very drunk! They are suspicious and finally believe me. I escape." }, { "number": "0733", "head": "04/10/85", "content": "I am preparing to leave on my space ship but first I need to go to the bathroom. I find a room, I shut the door and curtains in the window. It won't shut completely. I lay down on a bench to shit in a diaper because I can't find a toilet. Just at that moment, a line of people peek into the window to say goodbye to me. I am embarrassed. Jerome says goodbye. Then the door opens and Mitch R comes in and sits on my belly and we kiss. I like him and enjoy the kiss but am uncomfortably aware of the shit in my diaper. I get up. Mitch leaves. I clean up and put on my space helmet. I try to lock the door. It won't lock. A man helps me. I try to turn on a radio to hear the countdown. Mitch says it's best to hear it from the PA system. We linger over goodbyes. It feels nice to be with him." }, { "number": "0734", "head": "04/13/85", "content": "Co-worker Judith and I are both 41 and it's time to stop hurting ourselves." }, { "number": "0735", "head": "04/13/85", "content": "I am drawing a seating arrangement where the helpers are at the heads of the tables. Then it's time to go to classes. I try to find the Crafts room #12. I find #13 and discover it is upstairs. I peek and it is a wood-working class. I get out of my wheelchair and walk up. The teacher suggests I don't take any other classes this term, only focus on this one. I suggest maybe I'll take ceramics. He disapproves. I see the lovely wood grains on a piano a student made. I see the textbook. It has music scores in it." }, { "number": "0736", "head": "04/15/85", "content": "Mabel, Orville and I are picking berries. I am picking some whipped cream. Mabel says she's done. \"Let's go.\" I'm not done, but say, \"O.K.\" Then someone suggests we buy some more; I think that's a good idea. Mabel laughs. We go to a deli. I see Parmesan cheese, so the clerk asks me if he can help me, although he only works on alternate Tuesdays every 5 years. Mabel and Orville turn away to go. I say I want whipped cream. He changes into a red devil and says, \"Then I can help you.\" I call M & D and they turn back. All they see is a regular clerk." }, { "number": "0737", "head": "05/04/85", "content": "A room full of women and children are getting raped. I protest to the council. The men on the council laugh at me because the women were wives and therefore weren't raped, because a husband has the right." }, { "number": "0738", "head": "05/08/85", "content": "I see the tide come in. I don't want to go to the water, but I do. Jerome swims near me. I stay near the dock so in case I tire, I have something to hold on to. Later I go across a parking lot to get to the University. Jerome follows me. He loves me. I stand in line to pay my fee. I write a check. I have trouble gathering up all my belongings. I go to my room. Jerome is waiting for me. He looks at a scrapbook and picture of my father, another of a pig-nosed man, a valentine from Jerome where I crossed out the word \"kind\" from \"your kind teacher.\" He is hurt and annoyed, but pleading. He caresses my eyelids lovingly. He tells me he was upset that I would question his choices of clerk in front of Dovre who would go to his home and tell. I said, \"What should I do? Close my eyes to the truth? I can't.\" [BL]" }, { "number": "0739", "head": "05/10/85", "content": "I am choosing a gift for my \"grandma.\" I carry lots of packages up to her room. She is a young woman and she's not feeling well. She's grumpy. She gets up out of bed, grumbling. I follow her. She goes down some stairs to a beach. There is no ocean, just a stage with a bamboo curtain. Actors come on and ask for a volunteer from the audience. She (my grandma) say, \"Don't choose me!\" which causes them to choose her. She groans and tells me to watch her two kids. I blow up and say, \"Hey, no way,\" and get up and leave. I walk up the stairs and go to a room. It's a band. All the members are midgets. I play the trombone and ask if a tall person can audition. They agree. I go to the center of the band and start to play. At first I'm too breathy and struggle. One of the guys (now regular height) jostles me and I push him back. Now he respects me. I play really excellent! Jazzy and everyone is impressed. They applaud and cheer after my solo at the end." }, { "number": "0740", "head": "05/11/85", "content": "I am in a performing group. We are painting the set. It takes lots of paint. When we get one set done, one of the guys moves some to make room for a moveable screen. I complain, \"Hey, don't move things without asking first. We haven't any paint left.\" Then my boyfriend and I kiss and make out. It is very pleasant. Then it's show time. The group holds hands and runs up on stage. A guy and I tap dance and sing. It's pleasant too." }, { "number": "0741", "head": "05/12/85", "content": "The words \"invalid,\" \"enfierno\" and \"invatado\" (Spanish for \"the invited\" - having to do with illness." }, { "number": "0742", "head": "05/28/85", "content": "I am in bed with Merle. We've been sleeping together for a week. This time, he puts his arm around me and touches my breast. I feel queasy. He wants sex. I might have known this would happen. I feel like giving up and pretending for him. I am very annoyed about it. Then I say, \"No.\" It was hard to say but I say, \"I've had to do this a lot and I don't want to make love to someone when I don't feel like it.\" He complains and I continue to say no." }, { "number": "0743", "head": "05/30/85", "content": "I'm on some journey up a mountain. I stop at a native hut and look at the pretty miniature dishes and furniture. They are fragile. When I'm ready to leave, I bow three times, touching my forehead to each of the 3 walls, then looking up at the door and saying, \"Thank you.\" (It was a house on stilts.) Something about Paulina needing more of my attention. I seem to be unwilling to give her much." }, { "number": "0744", "head": "05/31/85", "content": "I was in the woods, sort of hibernating. Ginny and Ernie came by. I picked up my money and noticed it was square and odd shapes. New money. I pulled up my tent stakes and packed. We went to a house. A \"tyador\" walked by out front. Ginny and Ernie built a huge, hot fire in the living room for me and 2 outside in the back yard for them. I suggested turning on the heat, but they said the fires were better." }, { "number": "0745", "head": "05/31/85", "content": "I was afraid. It was bad enough my tummy hurt, but tomorrow I was to be a citizen astronaut. I was scared. I knew nothing about flying a space ship. If there were an emergency, I wouldn't be able to save us." }, { "number": "0746", "head": "06/01/85", "content": "I am a sort of secretary to Howard and his friend Bob H. Howard tells me that an old Uncle, general, has requested me. I refuse to work for the old guy. I pout. I gather up my memory scrapbook (high school) and run. I am in a school. As soon as I'm out of the room, I turn left and round a corner. I hide in a locker. They run past me, looking for me. I am hugging my scrapbook, hoping I don't get locked in accidentally. Later, I go back into the school room. There are grass clippings on the desk. I clean them up sulkily not looking at Howard or Bob as they try to convince me. Later, it's time to go. I'm told which of Lydia's girls are sitting in the back with me." }, { "number": "0747", "head": "06/02/85", "content": "Tyler wants me to be his counselor because he is breaking up with his wife. He is getting interested in me. I have an appointment with Mabel at 2:30. I find a pretty little ceramic duck miniature vase, modeled after the little metal swan I really had once." }, { "number": "0748", "head": "06/03/85", "content": "I am in a class. We are seated in a circle. I'm in a wheelchair. It's in the doorway. It keeps rolling back out of the room. I have all my homework done. It's on my lap. It's photos of me and photos of Dwight etc., painted to look like oil paints. The male instructor is hurrying, packing up his materials as he lectures. The class is over too soon. We didn't get to my stuff. I am disappointed. Chip comes up to me asks if I had a hard time doing the homework. I say, \"Oh no. You have to remember, I teach this stuff.\" I then wonder why I lied to him. I head for the parking lot, following my parents. They are taking me home. I look down at the ground. The daisies or dandelions are twitching. I am concerned. Why are they twitching like that? It's not normal." }, { "number": "0749", "head": "06/03/85", "content": "Tyler and I are seated comfortably on a couch by a window semi-lying together. I am telling him poignantly about how my physical condition keeps getting worse right before my eyes. He touches my hand sympathetically. Mabel and Tyler are talking and I'm listening, while I lazily eat strawberries. Mabel is trying to get Tyler to help her by covering for her. She's promising to be there on time. Tyler is squirming because he wants to be helpful and he knows she'll be late. They are quietly arguing. He has straw on him and she is globbing whipped cream on him while she is talking. I feel bad for them, but feel helpless and I watch. She says, \"You're eating strawberries and cream.\" I said, \"I know. I don't like them, but my body needs them. It told me to eat them.\"" }, { "number": "0750", "head": "06/03/85", "content": "A third dream about Dylan. I'm in the back seat. No control. I see a painting I did in oils. T. River Lake. The trees look real. I need to use more varied colors." }, { "number": "0751", "head": "06/03/85", "content": "Some guy gets me a 3 day job editing TV news. I'm very excited. This is a great honor. He gave me a book with a note written in it. The note was in Spanish. He asked if I needed help. I said no, even though I was unsure. I start to work. The guy is always around. He is romantically interested in me. We float to the Antarctica on Icebergs that melt as we go. We barely make it before they melt away. We rescue equipment and light a kerosene lamp to warm us up. We landed at a camp where shelter is already dug. We go in. It is necessary to throw out a small black and yellow bird that had traveled with us. I protest, \" It will freeze.\" They'd throw him out and he'd fly back in. Once he landed on my hand, quite flat and exhausted. I felt sorry for him. They let him stay. My daughter drives too fast and I yell at her to slow down. She does. I tell her she is grounded for 24 hours because if I hadn't made her slow down, her passenger would have been squashed, nothing but her eyes bugging out, up in a corner. Then I'm told that people who are job partners have to sleep together -- all in one room. I am shocked." }, { "number": "0752", "head": "06/08/85", "content": "I am putting forms on tractor feed into a machine. It's all set to go and I turn it on. It goes fast, spitting out the paper. It won't stop. So I turn if off. It won't stop, so I unplug it. It still won't stop. I look closely and see another wire attached to the wall socket. I'm afraid to undo it, because I'll get hurt. I finally pull it from the wall. The machine stops. Then the room changes. Long halls grow out, covered with parquet wood design. The Queen of Hearts is coming. I must run. As I run down the hall, I notice I'm wearing sexy black stage entertainer clothes. I see a stage, with musicians there. I go out on stage, to the mike. I remember that Lydia and Ellie, Dovre and Paulina had come here too. I start to talk to the audience who are far away seated at tables. I say, \"Everyone get up and go to the dance floor.\" Most do. I say, \"Your only excuse is if you're dead, and I don't mean dead drunk!\" They laugh. I turn to the musicians, \"Hit it boys, some hot boogie.\" They play (piano, drums, bass, etc.) Boogie, I start singing and it's good. Ellie and another woman join in, 3 part harmony. It's great. Audience loves it, I love it, except I want to do it solo. I tell Ellie and other woman to go away and I sing ballad. It's great." }, { "number": "0753", "head": "06/10/85", "content": "Fear of touching one of the doctors. Surrounding me, I could see an aura that indicated a wolf or an alien. Danger." }, { "number": "0754", "head": "06/12/85", "content": "I am sitting on a couch, watching my friends act in a skit that my daughters wrote. A 60's type bearded man is so into his part about being sad about war that he's crying as he acts. He's very good! The skit was tacky but the way he performed was excellent. As he is crying, I hear the most beautiful chord music coming from the cathedral across the street. The red stained glass windows flow. I make a small joke. I say \"My friends, the angels.\" The music is so beautiful!" }, { "number": "0755", "head": "06/13/85", "content": "A man comes running up to me asking if Dovre was home because he needed her keys. He was from her work. I went into the house to look. I couldn't find the keys. I shrugged my shoulders at him. Pat comes up to me, I'm sitting in my wheelchair. He hesitates. I open out my arms and invite him to sit on my lap. He smiles happily and sits. I hug him and he hugs me. It's a very nice warm camaraderie feeling. He says he didn't know I permitted this. Some kids are singing nearby. The guy who wanted the keys and two of his friends as a joke get on their knees and bow down in front of me, laughing. We were all good friends, and having fun." }, { "number": "0756", "head": "06/14/85", "content": "I am 65 years old and tired, laying on a couch." }, { "number": "0757", "head": "06/14/85", "content": "I go to Aunt Elaine's house to visit, I don't call ahead. I see Uncle Lionel seated at a table. I then remember that I came for Terence's or Lionel's birthday, then I remember, Terence is dead." }, { "number": "0758", "head": "06/14/85", "content": "I'm in a car. A bad man with a gun tells me to drive. He has the gun in my sides. I feel helpless, paralyzed, afraid. He's going to kill me. He has a bag full of millions of dollars. I kill him, so that he won't kill me. We are in the South American jungle. Then I decide to take the money. I run, fearful that someone will find out and too greedy to give the money up. Trapped in a life of fear by my own greed." }, { "number": "0759", "head": "06/15/85", "content": "I am with Darryl. Shannon and friends come by and say, \"Let's go.\" I take off with them. I realize then that Darryl might not just wait for me to come back from my fun and work. I'll have lost him." }, { "number": "0760", "head": "06/15/85", "content": "I am walking along. I see a cute guy in a wheelchair; he's a low level quad in a manual. He invites me to sit on his lap. I do so. We laugh and enjoy hugging and being close. Someone else comes by and says they need the chair. I am upset. How rude. He needs the chair and I need this nice warm connection. I get out. It's over. I cry and cross the bridge alone." }, { "number": "0761", "head": "06/16/85", "content": "Heidi, my brother Dwight's daughter, is a 2 or 3 month old baby. I am holding her. She is sleeping on my shoulder. We are walking in a busy shopping street. I call to my daughter Dovre to come on now because I see some tough guys and I remember it is night. We might be in danger. I start to walk away. One of the guys calls my name, \"B.\" I am surprised as I don't know him. But I am no longer frightened. I turn and go back and talk to him. His brother was at the community college. That's how he knew me. He sort of smiles knowingly, a slight sneer because he knew that I thought he was trouble." }, { "number": "0762", "head": "06/16/85", "content": "I am driving through Grants Pass. I stop at a cheap run-down house to visit Marci. After our visit, we drive on. I miss a turn looking for I-5. Dylan says, \"It's o.k. because this way will get us there.\" We are driving through ritzy uptown area. Dylan comments on the difference from Marci's area." }, { "number": "0763", "head": "06/16/85", "content": "Dylan comments that his son has a problem because the skin on his penis is loose and that can cause itching and pain." }, { "number": "0764", "head": "06/16/85", "content": "I am in a house in Mexico. I see my father. He speaks Spanish! I help repair a hole in the wall with margarine as plaster. It looks pretty and I show it off. I go next door to the room I'm staying in and pick up my mail. Lots of cards and pretties from Chinese and other foreign people I had befriended before. I think, \"It's a good deal to make friends with foreigners.\"" }, { "number": "0765", "head": "06/18/85", "content": "Darryl was back and I follow him around. It feels good to have him around. I feel sexually pleasant around him. Then he goes away again." }, { "number": "0766", "head": "06/18/85", "content": "There's a fire midship. (I'm captain of a naval vessel.) I'm quite huge. The ship is like a toy. I'm standing in the ocean like I'm in a swimming pool. I cup my hands and splash water onto the fire while I yell at my crew \"to get their butts over there and now!\" We exchange two little over to another boat in the fleet. They weren't getting along. Good riddance. I gave up a pretty white kitty too. Her mama had died, so we couldn't take care of her." }, { "number": "0767", "head": "06/18/85", "content": "Darryl and I were in a car, in Mexico. The car broke down. It was a red Impala \"Scat wagon.\" He went for help. I stayed in the car with the baby. She was so cute. I was feeding her milk from a bottle and cooing over her. I took the car to a garage. I got out and sat in a manual wheelchair on the sidewalk, holding the baby. I was a little annoyed at all the inconvenience. Darryl came back, only he is Arthur now." }, { "number": "0768", "head": "06/19/85", "content": "Patricia and I are getting married. I gather up bottles of nail polish, pink gloves and lace. We go to the church. Someone glances at my drooping version of my lavender wedding dress. My mother says out of the corner of her mouth, \"Well, I bought it from a 63-year-old woman, what do you expect?\" She's a little embarrassed. I follow Patricia up the aisle, which is to the left of the audience, which are all seated in an empty swimming pool wearing lace veils. I get to the pulpit and get the microphone. I have an announcement. I tell the audience that we waited for my groom. Three or four minutes after the wedding was supposed to start, I got a telegram telling me he's not coming. \"It's o.k.,\" I say, \"enjoy Patricia and Terence's wedding.\"" }, { "number": "0769", "head": "06/23/85", "content": "The African bees are coming! We start taping up the windows frantically. We have to make the house secure! A fat butt man keeps going outside to see if they are coming. We ask him not to, it's too dangerous! He keeps breaking the taped seal around the screen door. We call and call to no avail. We have to lock him outside. Everyone in California had been evacuated. They start spraying. The bees are huge and black. They are coming. It's something like having a \"DADDY\" for a daddy and Marilyn Monroe for a mommy. It's sad. [BL]" }, { "number": "0770", "head": "06/25/85", "content": "I am a teacher and a mother. I have a young good-looking son. I am at Aunt Elaine's house, sort of. I'm sleeping, naked, the sheets just barely covering me. My son comes in to wake me up. Someone says to him, \"How can you do that? Aren't you turned on by her?\" He says, \"Yeah,\" but I'm his mother, so he doesn't do anything about it. I get up. I am arguing with our boss because I can only use the materials at hand to teach with and all we have are tissue paper and glitter. I pick up a blue round thing and toss it aside. I need books, updated material, etc. Our boss says what we have is sufficient and use it!" }, { "number": "0771", "head": "06/25/85", "content": "Later I'm trying to show a film to my fellow teachers. It is 12:30 and I apologize for keeping them from their lunch, but it is important that they see how bad the material is. I can't get it to load up right; the \"Brain to Brain\" section is interfering." }, { "number": "0772", "head": "07/01/85", "content": "I hold my camera underwater to take random pictures; I'll find treasure this way." }, { "number": "0773", "head": "07/03/85", "content": "I was on my way to the library to do research. I had a baby with me. I kept reminding myself that I could have him for 2 hours, but not to worry because I could have him again another day. I went into a public restroom because I had to go pee. I kept saying, \"It's o.k., this isn't a dream. This is really a bathroom.\" It was crowded and dirty. Finally, I left. Another woman was with me. We started dancing down the carpeted ramp. I was wearing black high heels and hit them rhythmically on the walls, etc. as part of the dance. At the bottom of the ramp, I bumped into a man that was walking by because I couldn't stop in time. He laughed and joined in, sort of." }, { "number": "0774", "head": "07/04/85", "content": "I was cleaning up a room. There were lots of boxes and junk all over. Someone interrupts me, wanting me to be on their side. Some big guy with policemen and tough guys on his side was harassing my side. I stood up to him, feeling afraid. My friends were afraid and hung back. I insulted him. I said he only had one ball. I chanted, \"We're winners and you are losers.\"" }, { "number": "0775", "head": "07/07/85", "content": "I was seated in the movie theatre room of a house. The pink net and chiffon curtain opened and the movie started. We were looking at the waves of a river as if we were partly underwater. The waves came in and we were under, the waves would recede and we'd be above water. The PA system invited anyone who wanted to, to swim on in and get to see the backstage workings of the movie. So I swam and swam and found myself on the bank of the river. I sat down on a white wrought iron sofa and the lecture began. A voice said that ironic though it was, they would show us the movie on TV screens so we won't miss out. Then this guy stood near a conveyor belt and created sound effects and so on. Once he showed us how he and a small kid that looked like a white curly-haired dog, would join in the action of the movie. Some sinister thing slunk through a blue velvet curtain." }, { "number": "0776", "head": "07/09/85", "content": "I'm on stage with \"The Birds.\" My voice is back. At first I'm in the audience pretending to play a piano on the table while my father played a real piano on stage. Then I got up on stage and sang and acted, ending with a fake, but pretty good attempt to play the piano. My father and I went together, holding hands to take a bow." }, { "number": "0777", "head": "07/10/85", "content": "I am a teacher and a woman student complains to me that my cousin Willie's harassing (sexually) the woman students. I am struggling with trying to keep the grade book straightened out. I call Willie over and tell him to stop. He sneers. He's a relative. I tell him it won't protect him." }, { "number": "0778", "head": "07/10/85", "content": "I'm in a house. I notice the ocean or some huge body of water is rising. I leave the house to look. I have several babies with me. When the water touches us, we are unable to break away. The water gets one of the babies and I have a hold of its feet and pull hard. I manage to save it and then must struggle to save myself. I manage and walk toward safer land. I lay the babies (3 of them) on a chair under a tree and call to Lydia to watch them, saying to the littlest baby, \"We'll just have to see her.\" I go back to save things: a suitcase of clothes, books, my writing. I vaguely feel guilty because I'm only getting my stuff. I send Lydia in to get hers." }, { "number": "0779", "head": "07/13/85", "content": "Something's in the air. A change. Someone goes by saying, \"Let's eat. Where's the grass?\" Someone else laughs. That's all past. No more, meager veggie meals. Now it's meat! A man approaches a woman and offers her two fat volumes of some books and an empty baby seat if she'll make him a baby. People are making babies all over now because they feel strong and vital after so long. I am handed my plate. I am aghast. There is a live little brown furry animal on my plate, already garnished and cooked. \"I refuse to eat live food,\" I say, quite disgusted and upset. Someone offers to cut it and chew it for me so it won't seem so horrible. I refuse. Then there is dancing. An energetic old white-haired man in a tweed suit claims me for the dance. I feel his strength and vitality. I smile shyly. He wants to kiss." }, { "number": "0780", "head": "07/14/85", "content": "It's Christmas and we are going to open our gifts, so we go to the ocean shore line. I think, \"Oh, it will be unpleasant in the cold water, but only at first.\" Then we move a gold railroad track off center. We build a bonfire on the beach. It will be more comfortable there. Before this, there were little leaping lizards that I didn't like. I had someone pick it up and put it on the bread board. There were worms there for it to eat. I wondered why I didn't put it in the drawer beneath it." }, { "number": "0781", "head": "07/15/85", "content": "The front lawn as well as the ocean is black and the waves are high and have white caps. I see the silhouetted figure of Ernie outside; he's waiting for me. He's going to splash me, as a joke. I go to the front window. He's there. I run to the back windows. He's there. I sneak out. He and some of his friends gather around me and get serious. They want to drown me. I fell. Now I'm on a train, holding a baby. A woman on my right likes babies and adjusts the blanket so she can see him better. I say, \"Pretty clever, having a reversible blanket so you can always see him.\" The train is racing through the mountains. It's more like a roller coaster ride." }, { "number": "0782", "head": "07/16/85", "content": "I am an old soul, one that's almost done with lives on this planet. There are two young souls, men who are in relationships with me. They insist, it's part of this life's lesson. One is a good housekeeper and very supportive of me. I feel a little guilty that I don't care for him as intensely as he cares for me. The other is like Burt Reynolds. His room is covered, including the floor, with colorful posters of himself. I put up with them, like they are puppies and I'm an old dog." }, { "number": "0783", "head": "07/16/85", "content": "Paulina and I are flying together. It's a slightly sexual experience, sensual. A man catches me with a rope. I am annoyed. It slows me down." }, { "number": "0784", "head": "07/16/85", "content": "A man doesn't want to be in relationship because he's writing his book and doesn't have time for it. It would stop his creativity. I feel the same way. He gives up his book so he can take care of me so I can write." }, { "number": "0785", "head": "07/18/85", "content": "I am in a small cabin. It's so small, it's like a dressing booth or stall. Hank is in there with me. I get a phone call. It's a client. She asks me if I've had any boating experiences. I tell her about my Acapulco cruise. Hank is smiling at my stories. I then ask her if she's thinking of boating. She says yes, she's thinking of joining the Navy. That was why she called, to talk over that decision. Hank had tidied up a few papers off my cot. He gets up to leave. I feel surprised that I like him. Then I go to get in an elevator. I was looking for my guy but I can't find him and it's important to leave here. In the elevator, I see up in the sky a helicopter. It's air draft is rattling the elevator. I get out and run." }, { "number": "0786", "head": "07/19/85", "content": "There was something green I got caught in my tooth. I'd pull and pull, but it wouldn't ever end. More stuff kept coming. A man had a hole in his shoulder and some crawly thing darted into it. Made me feel queasy." }, { "number": "0787", "head": "07/19/85", "content": "I am at a conference. I dance to the music played by a piano and a violin, performed by a doctoral student. I sit in the lobby and ask a man if I can see his agenda. He hands papers to me, but I can't find their agenda. I complain to someone that going to conferences when you have arthritis is hard. It's tiring enough for regular people, all the meetings and the late night socializing too. Some guy and I like each other. Another guy tries to butt in. He insults my guy sarcastically saying, \"What do you have in common, the same salary bracket?\" implying he's lower than me and not acceptable. I insult the guy back. I need help. A man who killed my baby is after me. I ask an older man to help. He says sure, we'll work just like the E City Brigade. We hid in a square room and when the man approached, I shot him in the eye with a wooden thing." }, { "number": "0788", "head": "07/19/85", "content": "A man and a woman got married. He had breasts and she was flat-chested. He was annoyed with her and said he'd leave; she wasn't cooperating, sexually. She tried to talk him out of leaving. She felt sad and knew he was right." }, { "number": "0789", "head": "07/21/85", "content": "I am at Grandma Mildred's funeral. Someone is explaining the story of my book about Maudie. She says good (Mildred) and I say, \"Oh I don't know, maybe I'll write you naked and dancing!\" She is on her back and says, \"It would make me crawl in my grave.\" I see her moving. There is a strong sense of camaraderie and teasing. She seems pleased that I wrote the book." }, { "number": "0790", "head": "07/21/85", "content": "I am trying on clothes, looking for the right outfit to go out with this guy. Nothing fits and it all looks tacky. My purple slacks don't look good, too informal. Ellie comes in then with her prom dress on a hanger. I suggest I borrow it. I put it on. It's a bit tight. It's multi-colored with big cloth roses on the hem. [BL]" }, { "number": "0791", "head": "07/21/85", "content": "A pregnant woman goes outside and trips and falls. A man helps her up. She is worried she's created a problem for the baby. I suggest we trade doctor's appointments. She agrees and goes to see Dr. A, a rheumatologist. I go to see her doctor. The nurse listens to my story and says, \"No way.\" I point out that I had seen this doctor before. It would be o.k. A man looks at my files and says my duodenal system looks pretty. It's clear. I say, \"I know. It's this other part that's not working.\"" }, { "number": "0792", "head": "07/24/85", "content": "Abner and I are going to play a game. A sleek cat hops up into my arms and is very friendly. She puts her paws around my neck and hugs me. I feel very happy. \"She's hugging me,\" I tell Abner and my mother, in surprise. I want to spend time with my cat. Abner feels a little hurt, so I reluctantly put the cat down." }, { "number": "0793", "head": "07/24/85", "content": "Some women decide I can look better and fix me up with a pair of sandals (like Birkenstocks) with special heel imprints so I can walk easily and a pair of jeans. I look real cute and sexy. I step outdoors. A man (Lee from Uni house) likes me and asks me to dance. It's a slow dance and it is very sensual. He holds me close and nibbles on my neck. I giggle and say, \"Stop it.\" The music stops. He doesn't let go, saying, \"Let's wait for the next song.\" I disengage myself from his arms. Another man wants to dance. It's a fast dance. I start to dance and he disappears. I continue dancing, enjoying it. There are mud puddles. I splash through. [BL]" }, { "number": "0794", "head": "07/25/85", "content": "I am teaching a sexuality class. Three double beds are lined up on the left side of the classroom. I am somewhat annoyed because it crowds the space. The students come in and I ask them to line up the chairs, making room for them to sit. After class, one of the male students follows me, curious about what I do in my off hours. I go up an elevator to find my office. I wave hello to several male colleagues. Bonnie and I start walking to the parking lot to go home. Very prosaic." }, { "number": "0795", "head": "07/26/85", "content": "Because of a fluke, the royal succession was changed to the King George and Clara line, sometime back in history. A brother or cousin of the king likes me and makes me a member of a court group. I join them for lunch. They don't like me and snub me. They give me and my daughter chairs that are too short for the table. We laugh and try to be charming about it. They put something called \"wigglies\" on my plate, live creatures in a hollandaise sauce. Yuck!" }, { "number": "0796", "head": "07/27/85", "content": "A couple of Viet vets that are very well trained have to take out a bunch of us civilian non-trained types on a mission. They are upset because our lack of training could get us or them killed. We enter the enemy camp. I run and hide in a corner when people come by. The teachers can't see me, but the students can. I follow a guy and ask him if he'd mind answering a few questions. He's suspicious, but agrees. I ask him if there could be peace between them (the Arabs) and the Israelis. He say, \"No!\" I write his quote on the palm of my hand, \"The pain is --- we are different. Our high schools differ.\" I ask him if I can borrow a piece of paper to take notes on. He says yes and tells me I should have come prepared. [BL]" }, { "number": "0797", "head": "07/27/85", "content": "A family reunion. I eat a chocolate sugar piece. It's delicious. I worry it will start up my irregular heart beat. I have to climb a high ladder to sit on top to await the reunion. I am scared of heights. Dora and I sit. Someone comes by and says Willie/Dwight is an alcoholic and is very drunk, maybe dead." }, { "number": "0798", "head": "07/28/85", "content": "I am captured from my home planet by a powerful sort of wonder woman. I am afraid and miss my boyfriend Tex very much. I am weak. She's coming up at me from a manhole. She's huge and powerful and scares me nearly motionless. Then I somehow realize she is so big she has to be fake, and in fear my fear had flapped my arms and discovered that I could fly. I became powerful. I called out to the women in the planet to fight for their freedom. They were lethargic and didn't know what freedom was. Whenever I felt strong, she would talk about Tex. I would become homesick for him and lose my strength." }, { "number": "0799", "head": "07/28/85", "content": "I am walking down the street and it begins to rain. So I go back to the house. It is a huge house. I see my mother sitting in the kitchen and tell her I'm going to my room. She tells me to take the other stairs. We walk through a laundry room. I look up at the stairs and say, \"My goodness! Look at all those stairs!\" They are wide and lots of them. I go to a room. Then I see a large play car in the hall. I go to my brother's room. They ask my advice about the needlework they are doing. It's for Rochelle's wedding, but they heard maybe she's not getting married. Should they do the \"A\" or not? It's a beautiful picture of a bride with an ornate initial in blue threads. I don't really offer any answer. I return to the room and start unpacking. I put my yellow nylon nightie in the top drawer of a dresser. Then I decide to leave. A man says, \"O.k., clean up and repaint the walls.\" I refuse to repaint saying, \"I could understand it if I'd been there a few days, but how dirty can it get in a few hours?\" I leave; they are shocked. Rochelle complains." }, { "number": "0800", "head": "07/30/85", "content": "A tiger cub runs into the room playfully. It rolls over on its back to get its tummy scratched. I notice it looks like basset hound in the face. There is a map with lights and labels on its chest. I point out where he comes from. I question if there really are tigers on tropical islands." }, { "number": "0801", "head": "07/30/85", "content": "Someone asks me if we have a hay compressor. At first I say no and then I remember we do have one. I ask some questions about what she means. Then I say we have one. She can ask my father or grandpa Clyde if she can use it. She is shy and doesn't want to ask them. I shrug my shoulders thinking, \"Too bad, she's going to miss out.\"" }, { "number": "0802", "head": "08/09/85", "content": "I am an ex-con running from a Mafia boss. I'm driving a stolen mob car, black and fast. I am panicked, trying to elude them, speeding past the cars on the freeway. I see a dirt road and squeal on to it quickly. I hide in the trees. I see them slow up and look for me. I see a cotton men's plaid shirt tacked to a tree. They leave, I escape in a roll of dust. Now I am swimming in a terribly treacherous white water river. I barely make it after crashing over a water fall. I creep up over the bank to safety. I go back to the prison and sneak down the stairs hoping no one sees me. I see chickens in the cells. I make it to the front office and bravely walk straight for the front door. No one stops me. I stop myself and ask them if they remember me. The guard resting on a bunk is surprised. So is the woman clerk. I hear the news that if I don't qualify for a boxing match by 3:00 that day, I'll be locked up forever. I am trapped. I get on my knees and beg the guard to take the necessary papers over so I can qualify in proxy. I weep passionately. He relents and goes. Then a pox from mice sweeps the prison and all the inmates turn to shorn sheep. If I can't get out in time for the match, I'm doomed. One of the sheep baaing notices I haven't changed. I point out that I must have had it before or am immune. [BL]" }, { "number": "0803", "head": "08/19/85", "content": "I am a teacher. One of my high school students likes me and cuddles up, trying to persuade me to also be romantic with him. I smile and decline. I then am in a car. I see the bad guys on their property and sneak in. I see kids on drugs. I escape to my house. A detective partner of mine shows up. I look for my message written on a bulletin board-like thing." }, { "number": "0804", "head": "08/21/85", "content": "I am a maid of honor at a wedding. The colors are black and white. A black curvaceous 1950's dress and long white veil. I walk up the aisle and notice the groom isn't there. He then enters from a side door. Part of the ceremony is for the groom to describe the future. He's a little embarrassed. He takes his ribbons and artfully waves them around and tells how they will be married for a number of years and then he'll fall in love with another woman and leave. He shrugs his shoulders and looks sheepish. He asks her if she's willing to continue, knowing that. She says yes. The bouquets are black flowers and ribbons. The next step of the ceremony is for everyone to light a small candle and, while singing, put their flame into the common or larger flame of the bride. I light my candle and follow the bride, singing, realizing with embarrassment that the song is \"Rashneeshee\" and my parents are probably shocked. I like the symbolism of all our little lights coming together in one large light. I drip my candle wax in the bowl. She smiles and points out it made a crooked pattern. [BL]" }, { "number": "0805", "head": "09/03/85", "content": "A brown, dirty water with laundry soap bubbles floating on top of it floods the hall ways and comes under the door jam." }, { "number": "0806", "head": "09/06/85", "content": "I am eating some food at Aunt Elaine's. Unexpectedly, there are two more guests. There isn't enough food. A man drops in. He asks to see some pictures I took with my camera. He's looking for beautiful women. I show him pictures of an open air zoo in Roseburg. A beautiful wildcat leaps out and becomes alive. He runs outside. Howard tries to catch him. I am a little concerned. Will it be hurtful? Will other photos come alive? I find more pictures." }, { "number": "0807", "head": "09/06/85", "content": "I have a gun. Two bad guys and their woman boss chase me. I grab one guy and hold him underwater and let him up for a few seconds of air. His buddy has a bandaid box with air and tries to get it to him. I pinch a nerve in his hand and break his hold. They give up and I march them to their boss. Then I see a lot of people lining up for a \"group shot,\" a photo, and I realize they are going to be shot dead. My parents, myself. I run screaming and crying. I choose a bunny rabbit to curl into bed with me and I pet it and cry and cry." }, { "number": "0808", "head": "10/30/85", "content": "Something male and dark is chasing me. A small boy, possibly my brother or someone I'm babysitting is on my back. I must protect him too. I run out of the house and up a tree, carrying the boy. His arms are wrapped tightly around me. As I climb up a rope to the tree, I see a huge black panther rushing out at me. Now I'm even in worse danger. I turn and run back toward the house with the panther hot on my trail. I run in and try to slam the door shut. I can't because the panther's claws are in my arm. I pull his claws out of my skin. It is painful. I force his paws back and then I slam the door shut on his front legs. I know this will hurt the panther, but I have no choice. I put the boy down and go to the window. I lay on a mattress and look up to the sky. I see a full moon and a cherub baby asleep on a cloud, or like the decals on my dresser that my mother put there when I was little. It looks like a child's book illustration, all cutesy. Suddenly I know that my mother is dead. I sob and sob my grief. I feel sorry I never really tried to get to know her. I am inconsolable. My crying wakes Ellie and Paulina who come to me and hug me. Ellie hugs me from behind. I feel her strong arms around my chest. I am at first sorry I woke them and then glad of their support. (I wake up hearing my grieving wails and thankfully realize it was a dream. It was so real.)" }, { "number": "0809", "head": "11/20/85", "content": "I am sleeping with my mother. She hesitatingly puts her arms around me in a hug. I am touched. How sweet and I realize how hard this gesture is for her. Even though it is hard for me, I pat her arm and permit the affectionate embrace. Even as I relax into the niceness of it, my mother's head slips down and down and I become aware that she intends to have oral sex with me. I am frozen with shock. She starts and I push her head gently away. Ellie comes into the room and starts talking to me. With immense relief, my mother is gone. I look up above my head on the way and see shoes and purses and lots of things precariously perched and ready to tumble down on me. I ask Ellie to help move some of the things. I still feel disgusted at what had happened with my mother. [BL]" }, { "number": "0810", "head": "11/28/85", "content": "I am back at school. There is a pile of my stuff on a table and I'm trying to pack it all up so I can take it home in one trip. Carob chips, Lily Tomlin book, children's books, papers, etc. I feel tired and wonder if I can manage it all. I feel tired of always taking it all at once. I try to figure out how many classes I have left to take. It is never clear. I think I'm majoring in journalism." }, { "number": "0811", "head": "12/06/85", "content": "I see a boat on the ocean floor. Then I am getting on a boat just like it. I notice the plastic cover has holes in it. I think, \"That's not good. How can I save myself with bad equipment I haven't kept in repair?\" Then I'm on a boat. Nate (sort of Rock Hudson) swoons in my arms. He is very large and heavy and stiff. I try to drag him over to a sofa. I lie on him, hugging him. Milk is pouring down the hole to where the crew is below deck. One crewman looks out and sees they are near the dock." }, { "number": "0812", "head": "12/06/85", "content": "I am going to join a crew to help repair the Brooklyn Bridge. I have to go down a ladder. The first step is very long. I back off saying, \"That first step is too hard for me.\" I feel sad because I shall have to give up. Then I look again and see that even if I fall, the ground is fairly close, so I decide to try it. It won't hurt so bad if I fall. I make it just fine, stepping on a moving seat for balance. Then I see a woman in the crew playing classical music on her shiny bassoon-like horn. A man is challenged and interested. He directs his jazz band. Battle of the bands. They square off." }, { "number": "0813", "head": "12/07/85", "content": "Even the times when I feel tired and give up on doing something that will benefit me later is not protecting." }, { "number": "0814", "head": "12/16/85", "content": "A grandfather comes into the room. He announces that the results of the test shows that his grandson's spine will never grow to be normal. He must kill him. He raises a meat cleaver to kill him. I protest. I say, \"Wait. That's not right. He can have a good life even if he doesn't grow up physically normal.\" The old man doesn't listen to me. He starts hacking away at the kid. I can't see it, but I can hear it. It is grisly. The old man lifts up the severed bloody head by the hair and shows it to me. The boy's face is all screwed up, registering pain and shock. He puts the head, which is dripping clots of blood, on the table. The facial expression has changed to a smiling face. The boy's spirit is free to play and race around, having fun. I see things move and the door open and close like a wind coming through." }, { "number": "0815", "head": "12/16/85", "content": "I am in danger of being shot by some guy. I call out to Bonnie to come here because I want to talk to her. She's busy and ignores me as she talks to someone else. I pace restlessly, noticing I am passing windows that look out over a forested (jungle) area. I suddenly realize that I can protect myself. I don't have to wait for Bonnie. I put my back to a solid wall." }, { "number": "0816", "head": "04/29/86", "content": "Cary Grant is in a bar and he is quite drunk. (I spell his first name Gary.) A good looking, middle-aged man attempts to seduce him. Cary warms to him at first until he realizes this is a homosexual encounter. Cary feels saddened and apologetic because he likes the guy, but can't involve himself sexually. Cary tries to escape by sneaking out of the bar. He goes next door to a restaurant. The gay man follows him. Cary sneaks through the back door only to find himself in the bar again. He opens another door and sees that it leads downstairs. He hears a dance band. He decides that's no good, he finds another door. It opens into a closet. He again goes out the front door and discovers that it is very stormy and windy outside. He looks up the street and sees a Santa Claus wagon driving by. It comes to where he is. He looks in and sees a woman semi-naked in the front seat. He asks her if he can have a ride. She helps him in. The next scene, they are at her apartment. They like each other. However, Cary has a problem. He's sick from so much drinking. He goes into the kitchen and starts throwing up. She groans and tells him to at least try for the garbage can. He tries. Now she's starting to clean up the mess on the floor, muttering to herself, \"Why am I doing this!\" She decides she's doing it because she likes him." }, { "number": "0817", "head": "06/17/86", "content": "Ellie is trying to sweet talk me into doing something for her. I waver and feel manipulated. Howard lectures me and my mother questions me. I feel like screaming!" }, { "number": "0818", "head": "06/18/86", "content": "Nate tries to wrap his arms around me. I am drawn to him and resist -- pulling away. He follows -- a nuisance." }, { "number": "0819", "head": "06/19/86", "content": "I am depressed and crying. I'm 42 years old and can see the end of my life. There is nothing to look forward to. I aimlessly make love to an old man named Oscar. His jealous wife crawls in bed with us and tries to prevent us." }, { "number": "0820", "head": "06/21/86", "content": "There are 5 brothers that go out on some wilderness trek. I watch their progress. Five rings are returned. I open each one to learn the fate of each brother. One is dead. I cry and cry in sadness. I'm in a large room with lots of people." }, { "number": "0821", "head": "06/21/86", "content": "Some leader of a cult religion is after me. My boyfriend and I are trying to hide. We take the car into a parking garage and park it, hoping the leader's henchman, Chuck doesn't find us. We take an elevator that has a toilet and smells. Chuck sees us and follows. I have a cat. The leader grabs us and takes us to his car. We are going to go to his chapel. We escape and the cat gets away from me. Chuck goes after it and I patiently wait for him to bring it back to me. He does, but he won't give it to me! I am angry because I realize I'd been too stupid, trusting him. I have to follow him because I love my cat. My boyfriend has to come, because he loves me. We get inside and sit at the back, just to the right of the door. It's like bleachers. I see Dora and am looking for Lucy. My boyfriend goes down to the stage and does a satirical song making fun of the religion. The audience is shocked and then start to \"wake up\" to reality. Another man gets up and warbles a crazy song. I get my cat, who keeps trying to get away. My boyfriend sees Bishop Tutu and makes fun of him. They have lost their controlling powers. He comes to get me and we walk out, past the angry, but powerless leader." }, { "number": "0822", "head": "06/22/86", "content": "I am the owner of a gas station with my twin sister. I am the drudge. I work hard. Nothing seems to go right. I spill gasoline. I put in 20 gallons when he only asked for $10 worth and he won't pay the extra, in fact, he only pays $5. The cars only drive up to the first pump so I can't save time by serving two at once. I have to walk all the way to their car. My twin sister sloughs off and makes more work for me. She's the glamorous one, goes to acting school while I work to pay for it. I feel resentful." }, { "number": "0823", "head": "06/22/86", "content": "I get in my hang glider and fly over the vast acres of trees and crops I own. I am very wealthy. My wife is trying to take it away from me. She's a glittery, non-caring woman, selfish. I come back. It's hard because I'm gliding against the wind. I finally make it work. She's stealing jewelry from my house. I want to kill her and prepare to do so." }, { "number": "0824", "head": "06/23/86", "content": "I am in class. I hand in my photography assignment. It's a series of Xeroxed pictures. I remark to Bonnie that I hope I'm not being redundant with so many \"crowd\" pictures, but each one has something unique. I take it to the teacher's desk. The class is noisy and unruly." }, { "number": "0825", "head": "06/23/86", "content": "I go down a flight of stairs and see a pile of scrub brushes. I drop my scrub brush on the pile (it looks exactly like my pool table brush.) The janitor gets upset and says I can't leave my brush there. I am angry and annoyed. I go down the hall with my brush and go into what used to be a classroom. It's the janitor's headquarters. I find his boss and complain about the janitor's behavior. I feel a little like a tattle tale. The boss agrees that he should have accepted my brush." }, { "number": "0826", "head": "06/23/86", "content": "I go to a house. It is supposedly Jake's house. He's having a party. I take the opportunity to do a tour of the rooms: living room, a family room, two bedrooms. Jake comes in. He suggests we join the others in the boat. He and I get in a row boat with a small motor on it. I ask, \"Are we going further out?\" He says, \"No. We're just going around the corner.\" We go around and head for a narrow cement chute that was filled with sand, not water. We slide down fast. I'm in the front. The front crashes on the cement barrier and curls the front of the boat up. This has improved the boat's capabilities. We get out and return to the house. Lots of people are there. Patricia is there with the Mexican Tony. They are kissing. I look around for Hector and can't find him. [BL]" }, { "number": "0827", "head": "06/23/86", "content": "Patricia and I go for a ride in a horse-drawn buggy. It has a top and I'd feel for the fringe on top, but no fringe. The horse trotted noisily. Patricia drove. We passed a house and Patricia said, \"He's up there.\" I didn't know he lived here (her boyfriend). I didn't believe that it was a coincidence. We stop and she gets out and tells me to hold the reins. I do, but the horse won't mind me and keeps creeping forward, no matter how hard I pull on the reins. Then we see a big barn that has a garage sale going on inside. Now it's a small dog at the end of the long reins, dragging me around the store. I see books, videos, record sets. I ask to hear the record book and see that it is warped. I feel glad I didn't buy it sight unseen." }, { "number": "0828", "head": "06/24/86", "content": "I am a teacher and I am mildly interested in one of my students. I know it's not right, so I resist. He tries to interest me. In a fit of energy, I start to clean up the room. I get a broom and sweep Toostie O's on the floor. He also starts to help. We feel good about being responsible and taking care of business before pleasure. After it's clean, we (now my daughter Dovre and the young man) laugh and frolic together. I (a mature person) am pleased with them and approve of their actions." }, { "number": "0829", "head": "06/24/86", "content": "A cat hopped out of the refridge when I opened it. I say, \"How did he get in there?\" I notice Aunt Elaine left a bunch of miniature glass knickknacks out on the counter. I start to put them back in the cupboard. I see a movie video on the wall. It's a man floating in raging muddy waters and talking like a travelogue monologue." }, { "number": "0830", "head": "06/25/86", "content": "I am in a long room with a row of windows. I hear a noise and look out the window. A huge wave is rushing down the street. I slam the shutters to the window closed and the wave smacks up, getting us wet. This happens 2 or 3 more times. We'd hear the hissing sound and then the wave would smash on the window. Between waves I (without a body) go over to see the streets. I notice high water and see the red glowing lights from the nuclear reactor that went out, but is still hot. I hear a wave coming and rush back inside. Dylan and I run downstairs to better safety. We find a room with beds in it like a dormitory. I lay on top of him and we cling to each other. At first it is out of fear, but then a sexual feeling starts to build. He apologizes and I say, \"No, it's o.k.\" I ask him if he's feeling bad for his wife. He looks sad and gently pushes me away. He suggests we just sit together." }, { "number": "0831", "head": "06/25/86", "content": "I am in a bed, sleeping. My cat pops up from under the covers. My children come in (teens). We discuss my getting up. Kenneth walks through the hall. I look up to see my cat walking upside down on the ceiling. The plaster was so thick he could get his claws in. I look for my clothes and remember they are in the bedroom across the hall. I look at miniature things." }, { "number": "0832", "head": "06/25/86", "content": "I am across the hall. I find a dress and a pair of undies in a dresser drawer. I hear the kids and Howard coming down the hall toward me. I look. They all march past in a single file, with dower faces on, especially Howard. He is followed by a little boy named Dwight wearing an expensive, white, embroidered shirt. Paulina tries to help me take off my shoes and knee high socks. I laugh and say, \"You're not much help!\" (In the previous dream with cat, I remember that I hadn't made love to my husband Howard for years. I feel a little bad and think, \"Oh well, maybe I'll start.\" The very next thought was, \"No! I won't do that!\")" }, { "number": "0833", "head": "06/26/86", "content": "I am a young (18 years old) swimmer on a team. I am very good; I'm Olympic material, in fact. My coach and I are falling in love, but aren't yet to the stage where we can speak about it. I am jealous of his attentions to another young woman. I swim in a race and lap all the others. I am so good. In fact, I beat the male champion! I then show the governor's wife how to stand properly on the thing that we start the race from. My coach says, \"So that's how you get your strength. No one else uses the stance that way.\"" }, { "number": "0834", "head": "06/27/86", "content": "My \"grandparents,\" Katherine Hepburn and some guy, have been killing people they know and saving them in suitcases. They kill another couple and decide it's time to take all the suitcases to the dump. They do so. Some attendant keeps poking around and makes them nervous. They finally sneak the stuff into the dumpster and drive away." }, { "number": "0835", "head": "06/27/86", "content": "I'm a little afraid of them. They have a son who likes me. We kiss, French kiss. He asks me if I've had a lot of men. I say, \"No, I'm a virgin.\" He's very glad. I then notice that she has a shop in her living room -- a witch's shop with packaged spurs and so on. I need to leave." }, { "number": "0836", "head": "06/27/86", "content": "I'm sitting on \"Gabriel's\" lap. I feel sexually excited." }, { "number": "0837", "head": "06/28/86", "content": "A man and I are in a car. He wants to kiss me. I say, \"Well, let's see how you do.\" He kisses me. I agree that it is pleasant and ask him to promise that if I make love to him, he won't start demanding that we do it a lot, like Howard did every night or at least every 2 nights. He agrees, but I have doubts." }, { "number": "0838", "head": "06/28/86", "content": "A man offers me a present. We agree to make love and I say, \"You don't have to give me a present.\" After we are finished, he suggests I look in the pockets of his raincoat for my present. I am relieved he still wants to give it to me. It's rhinestone jewelry. I find other presents he will give other women. I smile." }, { "number": "0839", "head": "09/16/86", "content": "I am on stage doing my routine to a small audience. Unfortunately, I must do it through a small window frame. As I do my act, the hole moves and gets smaller as I lay on my belly on the stage in order to still be in the frame." }, { "number": "0840", "head": "09/16/86", "content": "A man named Keith likes me and comes on sexually. I am drawn to him. Our lips nearly meet and I suddenly pull away, still wanting him but confused. I say \"No. I am married.\" He smiles and says, \"You want it; why don't we go away? There are lots of big rooms with fireplaces.\" I am tempted, but refuse and pull away. He starts to leave and I realize that I am not married and regret rejecting him, but it is too late. [BL]" }, { "number": "0841", "head": "09/19/86", "content": "I am looking for a bus stop to go to the community college. I have forgotten my purse and wish I had it so I could buy some ice cream. I am with a nice young man. We are walking and I suggest going to 11th Street or 18th Street for a bus, but we keep passing them. I suggest 30th Avenue and he agrees. We go down a curvy road. He says, \"Just a minute,\" and ties a rope around my knees, binding my legs together. He undoes the belt and a few buttons of my jacket, exposing my middle, then he steps up behind me and picks me up to carry me. I thank him and ask if this is too much for his back. He agrees this is better for his back, carrying me this way. We take a wrong turn and I point it out to him. We are going up the country road to the TV or radio station tower on the hill. We stop and see some houses. We see a plump, mean-looking man seated on his porch. He is eating leaves and a live frog. He comments that he's eaten a lot of leaves! He's so poor. I am disgusted and look away. My friend asks for the way to the bus stop. He says \"Oh, that way, about 11 mile walk.\" I say, \"Oh no! I guess we won't make the 12:50 bus.\" We start to walk. Now we pause. We are sort of in a house. At least the road is blocked by a wall with doors and windows. There is a picnic lunch there. I see sweet gray kittens eating fried chicken. They are growling and I hear an awful grinding noise as they up and eat the chicken. Then I see a horrible thing. It is holding a miniature woman upside down by the ankles and is milking her body of all its life force and fluids. Her face is swollen, red and pained. I turn away. It is too horrible to see. The old man has followed us and he says to me, \"You shouldn't talk to strangers.\" I thought he meant my friend and I laugh. I look up to see my friend preparing to lunch on another upside down miniature woman. I am sickened and now scared. I see the old man lock the door. He and another old man pretend to have a gun fight with exaggerated back-to-back and drawing-out-of-the gun movements. I know now that I am trapped here with all these men and they are going to have their way with me and then eat me. I am sick with fear." }, { "number": "0842", "head": "09/19/86", "content": "I have a cave man art store, pottery, rickety wooden shelves, mud floor. It's not good enough yet, so I suddenly shift into another time dimension with my art works and wait. Then I push rock slides into the cave and time beats it into a solid rock foundation. I come back and now my store has beautiful carved items of obvious high quality. I have a pool of water that works as a mirror. People call it magic. It is still prehistoric times. I do a thriving business. Carved stone and glass leopards and statues on the shelves." }, { "number": "0843", "head": "09/22/86", "content": "An Uncle is going to end it all by blowing himself up. I feel sad and then nonchalantly decide to do it myself and set the bomb for 12:00. At about 8 minutes before it's to blow up, I am quite calm but decide to not die. I am talking to my \"mother-in-law\" on the phone and leave her mid-sentence to stop the timer. Now I am safe. I go to see my Uncle to convince him to live. He (now my Cousin Abner) agrees and says he'll move in with me. I am delighted, although even as I'm saying there is plenty of room, I see all the beds full. Now I'm on a huge carnival ride on the top of a tall building. I am terrified. It slings me about as I cling as hard as I can. I feel sick with fear and think, \"If this is adventure and fun, I don't want it.\"" }, { "number": "0844", "head": "10/10/86", "content": "Fluffy has a kitten. It keeps trying to nurse and gets taken away and put back. Finally, it is announced that the baby isn't going to make it and I must see it and say cafe. At first it is a fibrous mass and then it is a huge hard-boiled egg, sans shell. I hold it in my hands. The smooth slippery surface feels slightly icky and yet I am fascinated or drawn to it. It is the size of an ostrich egg or uterus." }, { "number": "0845", "head": "10/11/86", "content": "My Grandmother Agnes's spirit comes to see me. I call her Emma and am a little afraid. I sense her near me. No one can see her. We talk. She moves things around so we know she's there. Patricia is scared." }, { "number": "0846", "head": "10/12/86", "content": "I am at a swimming pool. I am afraid of the water. I had had a frightening and hurtful experience in the water (an attack of some sort, possibly rape). The coast has most of the swim team (24 of them) benched so I have the pool to myself. I start to swim. I am fast and enjoy it. My coach is very impressed. I am a world class champion. He marvels that I can be se good in the element where I experienced so much trauma." }, { "number": "0847", "head": "10/14/86", "content": "I am sitting on a bench and trying to gather up leaves. I am going to crochet the leaves into a lovely blanket or tablecloth. The leaves will be the material I use to crochet the already done squares of intricate pattern using crochet thread. I think to myself that it is silly to do that because the dried leaves are so brittle that they will break up into thousands of little pieces and blow away. A good-looking, very friendly man sits next to me. He engages me in conversation. Each time I turn my head toward him to respond, his face is closer. He's teasing me into permitting him to kiss me. My body leans far to the left as he leans into my \"space.\" I look over to my left, at my sister Lydia. We smile at each other like acknowledging what a bizarre situation we find ourselves in. I know I need to tell him to stop. My non-verbal messages aren't doing it, but I feel loathe to do so. Finally, he does kiss me and I gently push him, giggle and say, \"Don't do that,\" and drop eye contact. He does stop and backs off. Now we are preparing a lunch basket. I look and all I'm getting is packages of hot dogs and left over sausages that are old and wrinkled. I remember there are nicer cuts of meat and wonder a little angrily why that wasn't evenly divided. I was getting the worst end of the deal." }, { "number": "0848", "head": "10/19/86", "content": "I have a small kitten. I put some milk into a bowl for it. At first, I have trouble finding a bowl. I don't want to use the three we always use. The kitten lunges for the milk. It is so thirsty. The bowl changes into a crocheted doily and the milk sinks through. Then I see a movement like a snake moving off a chair and then I see a rat sneaking up behind the cat and it's going to bite it. I throw something at it and approach. It runs out the door. I follow and slam the door shut to scare it and then I open the door and peek around. The rat is now a man. I call out to the door guard to watch out. Another man walks up the stairs and I don't want him to go any further until he's been checked out. Then a snake-like column of smoke or fog moves through the stairs." }, { "number": "0849", "head": "10/20/86", "content": "I am called to leave with Mabel and Orville. I turn at the door just before I go in and see members of the Counseling Department waving. I feel sad because the end of the world is coming and we will all die. I call out, \"I love you,\" and turn to go. I am a little embarrassed and say, \"I suppose it's corny, but it was my last chance to say it to them.\" We go inside the house. My Uncle Joel calls me to the other room. I am hesitant because I'd already put my stuff in a bedroom. I go into the living room and sit on a couch. Leroy is there and there is instant attraction and warmth. He sits next to me, very close, and puts his arm around me. I know this is wrong, but I want it. I struggle with my conscience a little, but it's a foregone conclusion. He complains bitterly how he never measures up to his father's expectations. A stray kitten and a cousin. It's a double reason to stay away, but I love being near him. I feel warmth and excitement. Both Uncle Joel and he assure me they are still working on marketing my script. I am a little annoyed and frustrated. [BL]" }, { "number": "0850", "head": "10/28/86", "content": "Paulina and I are going to the mall and ask directions of this man. He walks us there. We enjoy ourselves talking. We get there and he says, \"You have to turn right and cross the bridge.\" He is going to turn left. We hug and kiss goodbye. It is a sad moment because we realize we like each other, but now must part. Bittersweet." }, { "number": "0851", "head": "10/28/86", "content": "Jennifer H and I are in a living room. She points and says, \"Oh look.\" I look and see a man has walked in and sat on our couch, without permission. I can tell he's a \"stray kitten.\" I walk over to him and say, \"I wish you would leave. This is our house and you weren't invited.\" He pleads, laying on a guilt trip. I don't pay any attention. I assist him up and walk him to the door and say goodbye firmly." }, { "number": "0852", "head": "10/30/86", "content": "I am in a house setting, but it is a hospital of some kind. I am going back in and am wondering why I am. A nurse comes up to me and starts yelling. She's cold and mean, calling the patients bastards. I start yelling at her, calling her a \"son of a bitch.\" She's coming at me with medication. She says, \"If you don't take the pill, I'll give you a shot.\" I fight her, holding off her hand with the needle. I run, escaping. I grab slices of roast beef as I leave and eat them because I haven't eaten in awhile and will not be able to eat for awhile longer. I hop on a horse and gallop away up into the hills. We walk in the stream for awhile to cover our tracks. We find a tree. I build a hide-out of boards and moss." }, { "number": "0853", "head": "10/30/86", "content": "Now it's Dwight in the tree and my mother, my father and I are looking for him. We notice the tree is close to a small town and near the coast highway. How clever we think. My mother, my father and I go into a shop and look around. Suddenly we realize we are in someone's home and they are at the door about to come in. We go hide in the bathroom. I'm pushing my mother because she's embarrassed and doesn't know what to do." }, { "number": "0854", "head": "09/23/87", "content": "Hello again! Dream cycle has started again! I go into a woman's house. She has large white onyx cat statues all over her house. One is glued to the drapes as though he is walking down the drapes, head first. I am amazed they can do that, it being so heavy. I see two cat statues curled up under a table. They are the same as the ones under my TV. She also has pretty red and ornate vases. The woman approaches me and asks angrily, \"Why are you in my house?\" I answer, embarrassed that I was looking at garage sales and stopped to admire her lovely cats and vases. She coldly tells me that she's not having a garage sale. So I leave, asking her if she knows the way to the county fair. She doesn't know. I get into a car. Hank is driving. We are unsure where the fair is, but think it's to the right. Hank suddenly grins and starts driving backwards uphill. I say, \"Oh, did you figure out where the fair is?\" The scene changes. We are in an outdoor scene, but it is all enclosed in a sky-scraper kind of building. There is an ocean and I watch as the water is being sucked way, way out to sea. Now, there's trouble, because that means we're about to experience a tidal wave. I see it coming and run for high ground, scrambling over rocks. I then keep climbing up, sometimes rocks, sometimes stairs. I need to find the car, which I can't see, but know it's somewhere. I will it to be there and see a small toy car under a table. I then get in it, it's regular size now, I drive down the stairs looking for the first floor exit. I see windows and look out. I see large expanses of flooded land and a car driving down a road. I ask someone how to get there. They say, \"Why bother, you can't go far anyway because of the flooding.\"" }, { "number": "0855", "head": "09/23/87", "content": "I am on a bus and look up into the sky. I see a white, streaky cloud like vapor trails of an airplane. It is sweeping around in a circle like a sonar screen would. I realize then that I have stumbled on a secret information and the Russian spies are going to be after me. I pretend I don't know anything about it and look around. I see my father and someone on a bench. I start walking toward a building that has display squares all over its front. I see cats sitting and standing in the squares, only their backs are to me. I think that's a little rude and embarrassing (all those asses). I continue walking and come full circle back to the bench. Trouble: the spies have replaced my father and are seated on the bench." }, { "number": "0856", "head": "09/25/87", "content": "Jake and Valerie and I are in a car. I'm in the back seat. I see the landscape go by. I see buildings, including some that are just being constructed. I comment on one. I notice the streets are flooded. Then we come to an intersection. A parade is coming to the same intersection across from us. Jake is annoyed. I say, \"Let's watch the parade.\" He growls out that he'd rather drive on. He turns so that we are now in the parade! I am somewhat embarrassed. He pulls across the road and into a parking lot and then we drive to his house. I see a grandfather clock with strange symbols inside it. I say to Valerie, \"Oh, I see you got that clock.\" She says \"Yes.\" She also got each of us a program that fits into the clock and proceeds to demonstrate my program." }, { "number": "0857", "head": "09/26/87", "content": "More flooding waters. I run for the elevator to go down to the basement. I can't because the basement is all flooded. I reluctantly must go up. I see Dickie. He is looking at a TV set. I come over and face him, and peer at the TV. I see war and pain and confused people. I burst into tears and cry for the sad, confused people. I am surprised and touched that Dickie is crying just like me. He reaches out and hugs me. He tenderly touches my hair and says, \"I didn't know you had such soft hair.\"" }, { "number": "0858", "head": "09/27/87", "content": "I'm in a room, the phone rings. I answer. The person asks me if I'm qualified. I say, \"Of course. I have a Master's degree in counseling psychology. I'm currently working as a secretary and a freelance writer and I've published two books.\"" }, { "number": "0859", "head": "09/27/87", "content": "I see Nate. He smiles and comes over to me. I can see he is going to kiss me. I say, \"No,\" as he bends me over in a romantic dip. He smiles and kisses me anyway. It is pleasant. I pull away and say, \"I have work to do. Now go away. That was a cafe kiss.\" He grins and says, \"If that's a goodbye kiss, then I can't wait to say hello!\"" }, { "number": "0860", "head": "09/29/87", "content": "I work for an old man who is rich. He keeps a rigid schedule so when we aren't on duty upstairs we go downstairs and live our own life. I am surprised how free and fun people are downstairs and wonder how they dare because if the old man found out he'd be angry and fire them. There is a dance. I am dancing near an open door to the outside. I think what would really happen if I escaped. I know he's said there are terrible things out there. On an impulse, I suddenly run outside. People are shocked and concerned. I'm a little scared. Nothing happens. I imagine a snaky tentacle touches my ankle. I run back into the house. Then I see a giant building loom up over the wall and look in. It's the monster. I think, \"How can a building hurt me?\" I leave again. I get into a car and think, \"I'd better take another street out of here.\" I look to my left and see smoke from a big fire. Then I remember that my parents and Judy are still in the building. I can't leave them. A courthouse building slides out toward the street to get me. I feel threatened, but go in anyway. I drive up fast and see Judy rush from work. They are escaping in another car. I drive up to them and they are so scared they don't know it's me. We drive in a circle, me chasing them running. I yell, \"Look, it's me.\" Finally she recognizes me. I ask where my parents are. They are in the back seat." }, { "number": "0861", "head": "09/29/87", "content": "I'm serving food. The old man is angry. I'm told to stuff some hot dogs. I do so with cheese and catsup, etc." }, { "number": "0862", "head": "09/30/87", "content": "I live in a house that I am sharing with other people. I am in the kitchen which is very crowded with lots of people trying to cook their breakfasts. Josh is making comments that imply incompetencies to his wife. I say to him, \"Be careful. You could get in trouble.\" I feel strange interfering with their business. He comments that people are managing with powdered eggs and milk." }, { "number": "0863", "head": "09/30/87", "content": "I decide to go visit Ellie. It's only a few blocks away. I walk over to her apartment. The door sill is up about 4 feet. I wonder how I'm going to get in. Andy helps me in. Ellie is very busy in and out of the room and I sigh because I shall have to spend time with Andy as he is holding the baby. I'd feel more comfortable with Ellie, but can't get her to slow down enough to take the time. I decide Andy is o.k. I play with the baby. Ellie comes by with another baby she is babysitting. Something is very wrong with his eyes. One is larger and strangely formed. He even has eyeballs in his mouth. His name is Chris. A woman drops by to arrange a time with Ellie to watch her baby. They leave. I look at Andy, who now is all brown with black hair and blue eyes. He tells me he is a Maui from Hawaii. I ask, \"What percentage?\" He says, \"100%.\" I notice that I am prejudiced and try not to be. I then think, with some regret, that their child will only be half white. I then shrug my shoulder and try not to let that matter." }, { "number": "0864", "head": "09/30/87", "content": "I am seated sideways on a stairway or mountainous trail. A woman walks by and pauses. She says that her feet are worse than mine. I notice they are deformed and she takes small mincing steps like a Chinese woman. I look at her hands, which look like Merle's hands. I ask, \"Rheumatoid arthritis?\" She says, \"No, between the legs,\" and hobbles away. I ask how long she's had this disease. She says, \"About a year.\"" }, { "number": "0865", "head": "10/01/87", "content": "Dwight needs some paper and I suggest I find my note cards and he can use them. I go to a set of drawers and look through some boxes. I find letters and stationery and remark that I should use them more often. I never do find the note cards and now I must go or I will be late. He continues to look and I leave." }, { "number": "0866", "head": "10/01/87", "content": "I go into a public restroom. I notice that both men and women are using the same room because the men's room is temporarily closed. I find a stall, no doors. My friend and I are talking. A man comes up and comments on my shoes and I try to ignore him. He follows me out of the restroom. He likes me and wants to get together. I carry straw flowers and a strawberry. I throw away the strawberry. He is very happy and says, \"Oh look. She threw away his strawberry and kept my straw flowers.\" Somehow that means I favor him. So I go into a room and sit down at a table. My friend also sits with me. The man, tall and good looking, appears and stands behind me. I am now in a quandary because I realize that my friend had seen him first and wants him. She goes away, hurt, and I see a small pet animal curled up with bruises near its eyes." }, { "number": "0867", "head": "10/08/87", "content": "I am seated in a chair with a man. We are watching a Chinese play involving a woman who discovers another woman who is rich is her cousin. She tries to tell the woman of the relationship and is rebuffed. It's all in Chinese. I try to interpret it for the man. The play stops in the middle. A woman (Chinese) says they should never have attempted to pretend to be on TV. So it's time to cleanup our picnic mess and go to our hotel room. I am surprised to notice that I am sexually interested in the possibility of going to bed with him. I think, \"Well, that's unusual,\" and agree that if the feelings go away, then I won't, but if the feelings stay, we'll make love! Then I get domestic and clean up his area and then go to my kitchen and clean up. I am surprised again that I can do this. It feels pleasant. I cut up hot dogs and stuff them with more hot dogs and put them in baggies. I offer him a lemon meringue pie, asking if he likes them. He says \"Yes, but what about the cherry pie we bought?\" I didn't have to go to that trouble. I laugh and say, \"Let's invite the other couple over and help us eat it.\"" }, { "number": "0868", "head": "12/25/87", "content": "A young woman and her husband and baby live out in the woods. They all sleep together in a sleeping bag under the trees. Now they've built a house. It has no furniture. It is only one room. I look inside and my voice is like a narrator on a TV show pointing out the features: a solid floor that has insulation underneath, a piece of green-yellow carpet on one half of the floor. The walls are handcrafted stained glass windows to shine beautiful colors with the sunlight. I try to make them look more beautiful. A roof to keep off the cold winter rain. The side wall opposite me opens up so that I see a porch with people on it, and a lovely view of the meadow and the river. People are swimming in the river. I have to sit up tall to see them over the rocks." }, { "number": "0869", "head": "12/25/87", "content": "I am seated at a table with lots of food on it. A woman comes up and says, \"You are going out with my husband and I am going out with my ex-husband.\" I feel somewhat embarrassed and want to explain to her that I mean no harm. I'm not trying to take her husband away. I don't say anything. Then I get up and walk over to my \"date.\" It's Pat Brown. He's wearing a sweater that had been cut in a semi-circle and his chest skin was cut too. He remarked it had been dome by a chainsaw and it sure hurt! He repeated a groaning \"Ow!\" several times! He seemed surprised at his stupidity of letting himself get cut. [BL]" }, { "number": "0870", "head": "12/25/87", "content": "I'm in a race. It's fun and I know I'm good. First I ski and then I drive a race car. I drive through France and ski the Alps which is represented by a little mound of snow like I'm driving over a giant 3-D map of the world. I am competent and enjoy the race, knowing I will win." }, { "number": "0871", "head": "12/25/87", "content": "I am seated. I am trying to do my newsletter. It's not going right. I am using an old typewriter and it can't correct mistakes. So I go back to do it over again. It just won't go together right. I notice a lion resting his head on my lap. I say to him in a very caring voice, \"I need your help.\"" }, { "number": "0872", "head": "12/27/87", "content": "I am thinking that I want to or should go to the library in S City. Bonnie comes by and we go in her car. It's a small old green Volkswagen. Others are in the back seat. I'm in the passenger seat. When we get to S City, I ask Bonnie, or rather hint to her, that I'm not sure of what to do and would she help me. Bonnie/Corinne says, \"You can do it,\" and tells me to push the \"county\" button on the phone and dial 514 ----. I try to, but can't find that button. Two other categories are added: \"cars\" and \"driving.\" A woman comes on the line and asks me what I want. I say that I want the library. She asks me if I am B. She recognized my voice. She is Cheryl S and then I'm at the library. She is very pregnant. She suggests we take some time out to enjoy ourselves by going swimming. The old lake has been paved. So now we are in a boat, a small motor boat, blue and white. Bonnie is driving and messes up by driving us up out of the water and onto the lawn. There is a row of apartment houses and I'm concerned that they will come out, mad at us for being on their lawn. I notice how close they live to the lovely swimming pools and think how nice. I drag the boat back into the water. It is damaged on the aft side and starts to fill up with water and sink. I pick it up, now small and a \"handbag or plastic carry bag\" and empty the water. I take things out of it and use it to float on like water wings. I float along. I notice the pretty turquoise tiles on the floor of the pool and see walls covered with arts and crafts. I want to kick to get exercise which is good for my health, but don't because I might splash other people and they'd get mad. Then I see all the water is gone and a sign says that from the hours of --- and ---, swim in the other pool. I walk to the other pool and see a long, long flight of stairs. It leads down into a huge room like in mansions. There are a huge grandfather's clock, antique crystal glass flowers on a brass wall lamp, a series of dolls and oil paintings. Then I see lots of people taking their places, in costume, for a historic pageant which will start when the water comes on and fills up the pool. I lean my hand on the stair rail which is broken and shakily leans out over the long fall. I back up and feel nervous so close to the edge. Paulina sits next to me on my left. We move to another vantage point near another rickety rail. An Indian man walks past me and goes down to be a part of the pageant. I am intrigued by the Indians and watch as he opens a beaded pouch. He opens a bag and there are blankets and jean jackets." }, { "number": "0873", "head": "12/29/87", "content": "I am in a pickup truck in the driveway of Aunt Elaine's house and it starts sliding backwards. It rolls across a busy street and into the driveway across the street. I press and press on the brakes. It finally stops. I watch the traffic, which is fast and thick, for an opening so I can go back to Elaine's house. I watch one person passing another recklessly and think, \"How dumb.\" Finally I get across. I want to take a shower, but I tell someone that Arvonne lives in the house now and I'd have to ask her. That seems an impossible task \"You know Arvonne.\" I shrug my shoulders." }, { "number": "0874", "head": "12/29/87", "content": "Someone important was given a tour of Dover. Now I am given a tour. Two winged women pick me up, each one holding on to an arm and they fly me over Dover. I see the gold leaf on the ornate stone carvings on the buildings. I see the Paramount Building. It is quite beautiful." }, { "number": "0875", "head": "12/29/87", "content": "I am in the kitchen of Aunt Elaine's house. I am moving in and so is Diane R. I am putting food stuff away. Cookies, candies, etc. I comment to Diane that I will need lower shelves so I can reach things. Two workmen come and do something out in the barn. Now I go from room to room to decide where to put my bedroom and office. I walk through two bedrooms, the front one had a small room off it. It had a small cat and a wild and ugly turkey bird in it. I say, \"Ugh! How did you get in?\" He follows me. I wonder if Elaine used this room when she wanted to sleep alone. I go to the dining room. Diane is putting away her dishes in the pretty glass cabinet in the wall. I say, \"Wait. I have some pretty things I want to display too. We should share this equally.\" She smiles and says \"Or 60, 90.\" Now we are in the living room and I say \"I have a TV, stereo, and a VCR.\" Diane says, \"I have a VCR and a clock-radio.\" Her voice is soft and I ask her to speak up as I can't hear her well. I suggest we use my couch. She says, \"I've seen your couch. I'd rather use mine.\" I say, \"Where is it?\" She points. It is rickety, ugly, yellow and low to the ground. I say, \"I can't sit on this because it's too low.\" We negotiate. Diane asks me 3 times, but I can't hear her. She's embarrassed. Finally I understand that she's on welfare and I need to write a statement that I haven't given her money. Then Ginny comes in and sits down. I'm eating a sweet sticky chocolate. She mumbles and I ask her to speak up. She's concerned that the 2 workmen will try to cheat me and warns me not to pay them. They took a covered glass dish and didn't pay for it. both ways." }, { "number": "0876", "head": "01/12/88", "content": "I am cleaning the cupboards out in a kitchen. I throw away some old food, apples, shredded wheat with lots of sugar in it, open noodle packages, etc. A man comes to the house. He has a gun and he intends to kill me. He's a hit man. I pull out a rifle, which I can see, but I aim it at him and tell him I'll shoot. He laughs. He's confident I haven't the guts. I do fire, at his hands, or arms. I don't want to kill him. I just want him to stop trying to hurt me. He's surprised, but not worried. He pulls out a knife and threatens me. I shoot again. He's not hurt or affected. I turn and run -- to hide. Outside is a big bushy tree. I climb up and hide in the bushy part. I worry that he'll figure out my strategy, or that I made a dumb mistake staying so close by. I figure he'd figure that I took off fast. He does see me in the tree. I wasn't still enough and birds chattered and flew around, giving me away. He's going to force me to go into this dark hole, to my death. I turn and dive into the hold in an attempt to outsmart him. Either I'll kill myself trying to escape or I'll outsmart him. I free-fall a long way and end up in a basement. I turn to the left, and go down several flights of stairs. I find a tiny door with small knobs. It's a dumb waiter. I almost cry in frustration because I can't get the door open, and then it opens and I crawl in and hand pull myself back up to the ground level. I'm wondering if I made a mistake. I go to a hotel and sign in with a fake name and go to my room to rest. As I sit, I notice with horror that my own personal brand of shampoo is in the room and I know he has found me! I pull aside the shower curtains and he is there -- dressed up and nice. He has brought me a present. He hands me a baby. It is my \"ex-husband\" by another woman. I think the baby is cute and start to feed it. I get the feeling the guy wants to marry me." }, { "number": "0877", "head": "01/12/88", "content": "Flood waters all over my living room floor. I take a broom and start sweeping it out. A gravel pile builds up on the front porch. Howard is around." }, { "number": "0878", "head": "01/16/88", "content": "I am an important person, maybe a princess. I am in a wheelchair and go out for a walk. I am surrounded by reporters and gawkers that crowd around me and get in my way. They are shouting questions. I am aloof and angry. I intimidate them. They want to rush forward and help me, but I stare at them and they don't dare. We go to a store. I look in a window and see food. I choose an apple and an apple juice. Then I notice I've chosen both of the same kind. I go inside to pay. One reporter is nice and sympathetic. I notice him. As I leave the store, there are 2 or 3 stairs. The crowd is wild and wants to help. I snap my chair around and yell, \"If you don't get out of the way, I'll twirl around and you'll get hurt. This is a warning.\" I then twirl around and go down the stairs backwards. I go on down the street. I see a big beautiful old house, cream-colored with huge, sturdy and ornately carved beams and columns. It is now divided into apartments, but it once was an elegant home. The nice man says, \"It is beautiful. Do you like it?\" I breathe, \"Oh yes.\" I try to look in the windows. He says, \"How would you like the windows?\" I say, \"Big and airy, but in the back. I like the smaller ones in the front.\" He nods. I see inside, fireplaces, pools and lovely fountains and tile work. A woman sits by a big window. I go on down the street. I see two women. They are old friends of the man. I am holding a baby. I say to the woman, \"Here. Hold the baby and pat it and kiss it like I've seen you do. The baby needs it.\" She takes the baby, but they are too rough and uncaring. I ask for the baby back. I say, \"If you can't do it right, then I'll do it.\" I kiss and caress the baby softly. The man is tender as he looks on. I like him and feel feelings of friendship and camaraderie. My father comes over and explains how people become royalty. They all started out as regular people and then are knighted. My father tells the man to go with him and he will knight him." }, { "number": "0879", "head": "01/16/88", "content": "I am leaving the house for work and notice that I am 4 months pregnant. I am surprised. At the age of 44, it seems odd. It is also a little pleasant. I try to figure out who the father is. I am a little disappointed that it's not Nate. Maybe it's one of the two Pats. I go to work. I am depressed and keep to myself as I work. I go to the lunch room and see a newspaper article of Delta S. I try to point it out to the others, but they pay no attention to me. I eat chocolate chip cookies and toast with honey." }, { "number": "0880", "head": "03/20/88", "content": "I am maybe in a hospital setting. There are helpless, newborn babies being badly taken care of. Michael J. Fox grabs my hand and pulls me, running through the corridors. I am concerned because I am hooked up to the babies and our running is pulling out their life support system and causing them pain and then death. I feel I must do something. It is suggested that I talk with the top authority, Governor Goldsmith. I waver and think, \"Oh, I'll just mention it to some local person. The message comes clearly! \"DO NOT WAVER! Go to the top. Top priority! You must save the babies because horrible things are being done to them! They are used for experiments. Pieces are taken out of them before they are dead and people say they can't feel pain but they can! You must help them!\" I must help them! Also a naked man was in the bed next to me. [BL]" }, { "number": "0881", "head": "03/20/88", "content": "I am on a beach, romping. I see a violin case in green and yellow (University colors). It is there for me. I had written a letter requesting it from a music professor so that I could create a better, more creative Happy Birthday song for someone. He felt I could do a good job, so he brought it and left it on the beach to surprise me. And I was surprised. I wasn't sure it was for me. I circled it and exclaimed at my friends. I touched it and it's duck-like mouth opens and gently bites my hand. I decide it's for me and pick it up and go to the parking lot and sit in a van and play. My fingers are deformed, so I must hold it differently. I am rusty. I know the professor is listening. I hope he's not disappointed." }, { "number": "0882", "head": "03/20/88", "content": "Mabel is organizing some group of musicians for a rehearsal. She calls me over to her to explain what's happening. She's seated and facing a stage with musicians and singers on it. I lean over so that her hair is touching my face. I enjoy that soft, intimate moment, aware that if she noticed what I was doing, she'd withdraw. She tells me she must work with the main group and asks if I would meet with a small group of them to explain non-musical details. The person designated to do that didn't show up. I agreed and went over to one side to meet my group. They are on the stage and so I go over there and quietly listen in as they are talking. A curtain is between us. They say how nice it is that the Ricatta Inn is lowering their rates for the seven of them. It is better than having to walk so far to the YWCA. Now, maybe next year, more people would have heard of the lower rates and will sign up. One woman peeks down at me from the curtain \"Are you a sophomore?\" she asks. I say, quite surprised, \"Oh no. I'm...\" I couldn't remember what year I was. Then I remember. \"I'm a graduate student. And then I've been going to school at the community college. This is my last term. I guess I'd better find out what I'm going to do for the rest of my life as a job.\" I feel a little startled and scared. I'd been drifting along, going to school and taking it easy. Now I had to think about real work." }, { "number": "0883", "head": "03/25/88", "content": "Howard comes to me and wants me to come back to him. He smiles warmly and says, \"Are you crying? Are you blushing?\" I look away, smiling a little and say, \"No, I'm not.\" He says, \"Yes, you are,\" and touches my cheek. I say, \"I don't want to come back to you.\" He says, \"It's o.k.\" He bends over and tenderly kisses me on the lips. I kiss him back. I feel happy." }, { "number": "0884", "head": "03/25/88", "content": "I'm at Aunt Elaine's house, with Terence. The living room is cluttered. I stop and admire a miniature house someone got for Christmas." }, { "number": "0885", "head": "04/14/88", "content": "I am in the back seat of a car. My father is driving. Ellie, Paulina and Charla are in the back with me and my mother is in the front. I look to my left and see two red limos driving. I peer into one and see an older woman. I recognize her as a famous writer. I am quite thrilled and roll the window down and stare at her. She looks up. I take Charla and hold her up saying, \"Look. Isn't she cute?\" The woman passes a note to me. I feel the wind between the cars, grab at it and hang on tight. I then read it. It is in very small writing and is a list of some kind. It also has her name and address on it. It also says, \"You have talent.\" I feel very happy. Her car speeds up and goes ahead of us. She's now in the back trying to say something to me. I can't make it out but it feels important. I tell my father to speed up so I can see her lips. He starts to and then sees a bridge up ahead and slows down. He's afraid that bridge goes into New York City and he turns left. I see a sign that says \"Permanent Terminal.\" I am very agitated and demand that my father stop the car. He's telling Paulina and others to get out and watch for traffic. I hop out quickly and push him out of the driver's seat. My mother is yelling at him. I get in and say, \"I'm not afraid to drive through New York City.\" I turn us back to the freeway and speed up to catch up with the woman." }, { "number": "0886", "head": "04/16/88", "content": "I am holding a child who wishes to be treated like a baby. I am trying to feed it a bottle of milk. I can't seem to get it into her mouth. I notice that a mouth is on top of her head. I put the bottle in that mouth and she eats. I think that is pretty weird!" }, { "number": "0887", "head": "04/18/88", "content": "I am at a zoo. At a booth, they have lots of fuzzy little animals. I hold a small, sweet kitten in my arms. I walk away down the path, with the kitten. Someone comments. I know I have to take it back, but feel regret and sadness, but I have two cats already. I walk back up the path, having to go against the traffic and bars like in the library block the way and I have to go around them. I take the kitten back." }, { "number": "0888", "head": "04/19/88", "content": "I am a young soldier and get out of a VW bus to present arms. My gun is huge and heavy. I call out to the sergeant, \"Help. It's too heavy.\" He breaks it into halves and we see the insides. He asks if I know how to put it together. I don't. He says, \"Well, do you know how to go out and 'issue use' which meant have sexual relations.\" I assure him repeatedly I know how to do that! And have done it. I am thinking of biking to T City and then go home. I ask how long it will take. 6 or 7 hours! Too long. I explain that I won't go to T City; just home. I eat a heavy breakfast first. Dovre pays as she looks at a photo. It's hard enough being 90% princess, but to have to go out into the world with other people too! There is a baby with me." }, { "number": "0889", "head": "04/21/88", "content": "I'm with Ginny. She's driving. I comment that I recognize the road. It's a dirt trail uphill. We are going to a person's house to buy something for the child. I have to walk up the front steps. A woman takes us in to show us around. I see a window and look. I see a family at leisure down in the family room. I go down there. I notice a lovely babbling brook going through the room and comment on it. She is pleased as it is unique and beautiful. She takes me to another building to see the clothes. As I enter, I see it's a restaurant. It's a surprise party for \"Kathy\" who isn't there, one of the family members but I don't remember which one. I keep asking where's Kathy. No one really knows. I eat chocolate chip cookies that are mushy and undercooked. I leave to go find the university. I see one across the street. I walk uphill and go in a building. I see Jerome. I ask a man the name of the university. He smiles and says, \"Yale.\" I am surprised and impressed. \"Yale,\" I said. It's not the university I was looking for." }, { "number": "0890", "head": "04/22/88", "content": "I am in a car made for one person. It is very tiny. It has an umbrella-like roof to put on to protect form the rain. I get in it and zip up the roof. I cautiously move out into traffic and make for the right lane. I realize if I'm the only small car like this, others will probably not see me and run over me. I create more little cars like me so that people are more on the alert. I go pretty slow at first and then speed up. I fly over the cars going slower than me. Once I think that I'd better look back and see if anyone's flying over me first so there won't be a crash." }, { "number": "0891", "head": "04/22/88", "content": "I'm in a bus. A policeman is after me. I run away. I go to a gas station and pull out the gas pump from Jerry's little sports car. I hop in and scrunch down so no one can see me and tell him to drive. He drives. I see the bus I was on going down the street upside down on its top. Everyone is upside down." }, { "number": "0892", "head": "04/22/88", "content": "I put my hand on my thigh and notice I'm wearing sexy clothes. I stare out the visor and wonder why, with exciting things to see and feel,, I am focusing on something so boring." }, { "number": "0893", "head": "04/22/88", "content": "I am in my bedroom. I hear Arvonne and her friend, a tall woman, moving a yellow dresser from her room to the living room. I hear Arvonne exclaim angrily as she sees a white dresser already out there, \"It's always her daughters. They always leave things out here.\" I feel guilty because I think I should have moved it back into my room. I feel selfish." }, { "number": "0894", "head": "04/22/88", "content": "My daughters are playing with some purses that fit into each other. I exclaim, \"See how I got these for you and you are enjoying them so much.\" Dovre frowns and complains that it's not fun because all I ever get them are used or broken or cheap. I feel angry and embarrassed as I look around and see a few wooden broken toys in a heap. I feel guilty. Then I move away and go talk to a woman who is talking to her counselor. She instructs me to place my hand on her debit card hump which is a lumpy skin patch on her left shoulder. She tells me it is there so that when people touch it, she will experience pain. The counselor who is chopping up something on a lap board with a razor blade looks up and says happily to her, \"I like the way you handled that. How creative you are.\" I am filled with jealousy because he is noticing her and ignoring me!" }, { "number": "0895", "head": "04/29/88", "content": "Karl Stone has invited me to a 3 day contest. I am to listen to bands and judge them. On one of those nights, the Birds will perform, but he won't tell me which night. He drives me home in his pickup. I am exhausted because we've been up all night and now I have to go to school. I am at Grandma Mildred's and excuse myself to find a bathroom and go to their bedroom. As I start to open the door, I realize oh! Grandpa Lloyd might be there and then remember that he is dead. A girl friend drives me to school. I fall asleep in the truck and she leaves me there. I sleep all day." }, { "number": "0896", "head": "04/26/88", "content": "Michael J. Fox (who looked like Darryl sometimes) and I are in bed making love. It is very sensual and pleasant. I'm on top. It is slow and enticing. We are interrupted. He gets into a small car that becomes a flashy black 1950's car and drives it around in circles and then down a narrow drive way into a secret garage where he lives in splendor. I see signs for Europe, England, etc. and offer to drive for him as he can't do it all himself. I suggest we get back into bed, but some waitress is in the room and I'm reluctant to do it with her around." }, { "number": "0897", "head": "05/01/88", "content": "Dwight is driving a car. I'm in the passenger seat. He drives. We get lost and go around the block. I'm looking for my Grandpa Lloyd and Grandma Mildred's house. We find it. Before I get out of the car, Dwight hands me a sack. I smile, pleased and surprised. I look in. There are 3 or 4 teddy bears that used to be my favorites. He had remembered and given them to me. I thank him. I go inside I'm surprised to see grandparents alive. I feel a little uncertain about Grandpa who sits and stares into space like he did before he died. I'm not sure if he's alive or dead." }, { "number": "0898", "head": "05/02/88", "content": "I have a small kitten. I notice the flea collar has come undone. I like that because it's easier to pet the kitten without the collar. Then there are 3 kittens." }, { "number": "0899", "head": "05/02/88", "content": "I am sitting in the back of a class room. Then I went up to the front of the class and lectured or performed and went out a side door and around to where I was in the back again. Some man watched." }, { "number": "0900", "head": "05/03/88", "content": "I am in M City house. I go out and get the mail. Lots of magazines are in the box. I decide I'm late for class, so I'll skip one. It's just Career Planning. I need to clean up some food messes on a floor in the kitchen and on a table in the L. room. I go to a bed in a hall part of the living room and lie down in broad daylight. My parents come home. Arthur helped me clean up the mess." }, { "number": "0901", "head": "05/04/88", "content": "I am given a gift from this rich guy that likes me. I call him up. His secretary asks my name. I tell her. She reads the names of the women he has given priority. A list of women who the secretary will put through to him. I'm not on the list. I feel angry and decide to never see him again. He chases after me, but I ignore him. [BL]" }, { "number": "0902", "head": "05/04/88", "content": "I'm walking down a long muddy lane. I keep seeing chains of different kinds and notice that they are malicious and one wraps around my left ankle and I pull it off. There is danger. I keep walking and then see a college. I wonder which one it is. Some man says the name of a prestigious school. Then I see a sign, \"the Kennedy Center for Turkey Runs (or Farms).\" I start laughing. People walk by me and I try to hide my giggles so as not to offend them." }, { "number": "0903", "head": "05/05/88", "content": "I'm in the M City house. Arvonne is there and Paulina. I am feeding a baby. Paulina and I are preparing foods. I pick up a packet of paper and decide to put it in the \"old pool room.\" I go in there. Lots of boxes of things. I go to the far windows and look out nostalgically. The girls wonder what I'm looking at. It looks pretty ordinary to them. I say with a sigh, \"You can't see what I see,\" and describe the old garage and the drive way. (I remember sexual enjoyment and love with Darryl)" }, { "number": "0904", "head": "05/05/88", "content": "I am asked to be in a role play for a man who has flunked out of law school. I hold my script and do a very excellent job of a funny voice. People are impressed with my improv talents. 3 of the fake \"judges\" gather around me as I act. I think, hmm, sex always brings them interest. Merle is in there somewhere." }, { "number": "0905", "head": "05/06/88", "content": "I am in a car. It speaks to me in a woman's voice. It says, \"You can make the decisions about where to go and how fast, but I will make the decisions on what soap to use in your bath.\" See a bathtub in the back seat (Venus de Milo on a half shell style) 2 squares of scented perfume in gold foil appear. I think she's a bit uppity." }, { "number": "0906", "head": "05/08/88", "content": "Judy and I are talking about who we've had sex with. She says she's even had McCork. I am surprised because he's married. I ask, \"How was he?\" She shrugs and says, \"O.K. He's good medically, but emotionally he's not there.\" Bonnie and I enter a school building (maybe the community college) from a new way I'm not used to. She keeps meeting people who need her help. We get lost. I am cleaning out a trunk, but somehow end up keeping most of the stuff, even though I know I needn't. I keep a clear plastic compartmentalized box I had removed things from. I keep a set of keys that unlock someone's car. It has a small gas key on it. It's round and metal and says BUS on it. It changes to BUE. I couldn't figure out who it belonged to, so I tucked it in the back of Grandma Agnes' built-in hutch for dishes, silverware and tablecloths. I find Christmas cards I had been writing and suddenly realize it's May and the information will be outdated by Christmas. It's a waste of time. I keep them in the trunk. I see lots of newspaper sheets in the ink that are so big that when I try to shut the trunk, they're hanging out. I remove them reluctantly, and wad them up." }, { "number": "0907", "head": "05/09/88", "content": "I am going to experience a ride and it's never been done before, so no one knows if it will work. I curl up in a small capsule on a rocket. It fires off and I fly up out and over and down in an arc and land. I am safe. Someone is drowning in the ocean. I reach down and can't reach their arm. So I dive in and pull him up. I pick him up in my arms and carry him to a hospital. Another man who sort of likes me comes along on my right. I notice there is a chain safety pinned to him and to me. It has a sign on it, \"Gay Lover.\" I am surprised and then notice it is attached to the man I am carrying and not to me. Apparently we need the sign there to fool the authorities so we can get the man to help. I put him on the counter in front of the nurse. I notice I put him down gently because the surface is hard and it bumps his head. I turn him over on his side and let the sea water run out of his mouth as proof for the nurse. He starts breathing." }, { "number": "0908", "head": "05/09/88", "content": "A Mexican man likes me. I am drawn to him." }, { "number": "0909", "head": "05/10/88", "content": "I am staying at Grandma Mildred's. I go to bed. Dwight crawls into bed with me and then notices I'm there. He's embarrassed and says, \"Oh! Excuse me,\" and gets out of bed. Later, I wake to notice Uncle Dale is in bed with me. I remember my bad breath. It's o.k. that he's there because he's a relative. He lays straight and rigid. I'm careful not to touch him." }, { "number": "0910", "head": "05/10/88", "content": "I am asked to act out an improv where I am an elderly person and I am humorous like not hearing correctly and responding differently. It makes someone chuckle. Later someone asks me what kinds of problems do the elderly have. I sigh at their innocence and ignorance and say, \"Just like the disabled.\" And I list some problems." }, { "number": "0911", "head": "05/11/88", "content": "There is a river that is flowing with rapids. Some times it just disappears and all that is left is a lot of mud. Then the water flows up again. There are small, cute kittens romping in the \"mud/river.\" They are hunting and eating chickens. There is something cold and terrible about it. They pounce and eat as the chicken fights frantically for life. I need to float down river. It is full of heavy metal objects that could hurt. There are two waterfalls I shall have to go over. It is dangerous." }, { "number": "0912", "head": "05/12/88", "content": "I remember cardboard figures, frozen faces at Junior High. It's time to go complete the movement that has been frozen so long." }, { "number": "0913", "head": "05/12/88", "content": "I am walking through a bar. I come to a door that is closed. I think, \"Ah. I know the way,\" and go around a corner to an open door. I am in a bar/lounge. People look at me, interested in me sexually. I feel pleased that I am considered attractive and am not afraid. I also don't stop and take anyone up on the offer. I go outside and see an empty swimming pool. Across the pool is a glass enclosed area. I see lots of children playing." }, { "number": "0914", "head": "05/12/88", "content": "Later a dream about finishing drinking something I had left. Some women are spies and were chosen for a series of features, one of which is they had a miniature silver shoe. I saw a lot of miniature desks lined up. They belonged to Cherry T. I opened one drawer and saw a diary book, about joy. I apologized for looking at her private material. [BL]" }, { "number": "0915", "head": "05/13/88", "content": "The Birds are preparing for a performance. I notice that Merle looks very good-looking. I wonder why I hadn't noticed that before. He offers for us to have a finale dinner after the 2-day show at the expense of his poetry club called Beef o'Poetry. Just as he offers it, two other offers come in. A dance teacher, Lucy, who I call Vern, offers a night out for dinner. I put my arm around her and pat her shoulder when I call her name, \"Vern.\" Merle is a little annoyed. Lucy is there. Later after the show, I see a room where lots of leftover food has been put on two tables. I want to use up the food so it won't go to waste. I carry out carrot sticks, relishes, and biscuits and butter to place on a table where Dwight of Counseling and Hank and other people are. I start to put the basket down, and I see a huge tray of biscuits, so I move my stuff further down the table because I want it to be eaten and not come back to me or go to waste." }, { "number": "0916", "head": "05/14/88", "content": "I see Howard's scales and I want to stand on them to weigh myself. I notice that the scales are a book with a plastic protective cover on it. The real scales are underneath. I am in a house and I look for Howard to ask him a question. I am concerned because I can't remember paying the rent or the insurance for several months and wonder if he did. I paid the other bills but there's not much money left. He says he has paid the other bills and I feel relieved. A boy and a baby girl come romping up to me. They are my children. The little baby girl starts to nurse. I feel somewhat embarrassed and think, \"Hey, there's no milk. I'm dried up.\"" }, { "number": "0917", "head": "05/14/88", "content": "I am on a ski boat thing where you stand up on the thing and it acts like a motorcycle. The waves are huge and violent. I like it. Then I'm on a lake, placid and large. I am trying to catch up to \"the big boys.\" I pass many brightly colored balls in the water as I speed with a single-minded desire after the \"big guys.\" I am catching up to them." }, { "number": "0918", "head": "05/15/88", "content": "I must become more aware of the kinesthetic. I notice my left leg. I am picking up my car. It's been repaired. Now I go to pick up some foreign student who will come live with me and want to drive my car. When I pick him up, there is some confusion. I want to turn on the radio and get some news. A plastic cover (like over Marilyn's cake) is over the control knobs. I twiddle with the knobs and get an occasional weak light on. I focus on channel 12. It is a TV news station. The foreign student doesn't want to live with me, but does want to borrow the car. I feel uncomfortable with this and refuse. He is miffed." }, { "number": "0919", "head": "05/16/88", "content": "A tall good-looking man enters. He has come with a bus load of kids. They have all been saving their food and money to afford this escape to where I am. They have heard of how well I did and want to do the same. I quietly stand in front of him, facing him. It feels good and calm. I like him. He likes me. He is different from the others. (He looks like the conductor I met at the coast, Tony Amour.) The welfare people need my report and because I was honest, they have to take away a couch in my parent's home. I have a small girl with me." }, { "number": "0920", "head": "05/17/88", "content": "I am in bed and having a restless, tossy turny night. The man I love is chasing to be with another woman. I am jealous and upset. I see blood spots on the mattress. I had started my period. I wake up. The blankets are all wrapped up around me in the middle of the bed. Burt Reynolds, my man, and his new lady come into the bedroom. I'm glad I'm covered. They go into the kitchen. I crawl under the bed to pick up my writings (maybe diary) that had fallen to the floor as I slept. I see underpants there too and chose an old white pair that won't bind me at the legs. I get dressed and go to the kitchen to pour my breakfast cereal. She is there. We are snotty to each other. I pretend it doesn't matter to me. I start to eat my cereal only to notice it's quickly gone and pour in some more. (It's shredded wheat miniatures like I had at the coast.) I then look up and notice lots of ants marching across the living room floor in a line. I comment on them and think about stepping on them. As I watch, they change to small dolls marching to the Christmas tree. The dolls keep getting bigger and bigger and some fall down and then pick themselves up. I go to the Christmas tree. It is like Grandma Agnes's living room. Aunt Charlotte and I pass a present by the wall on the right. I hear Lydia behind me saying, \"I'll just sit out the first part because we couldn't afford to buy a present.\" We sit in a group near the tree. I then hear loud crying and I'm in a movie theatre. The woman in front of us is crying. She turns her head away from the screen so I can see her more clearly. Tears are flowing copiously to the point the back of her movie seat is getting wet! She's saying, \"My mother. It's so sad. She died.\" I then notice her kissing and hugging the woman on her left. After the kisses, she and the other woman turn toward us, the audience, and wink with big fake smiles on (pretty hair do and bright red lipstick). She cries loudly about her mother's death and I suddenly realize it is two lesbian women who are kissing sexually and pretending to us they are lamenting the mom's death. I feel surprised. Other people are crying too." }, { "number": "0921", "head": "05/18/88", "content": "I am watching a singing group and while I'm in the audience, they march by. I sing loudly to show them I have talent. Of course they can't hear me, but I just keep hoping they'll notice. At one point I'm on the stage and they are marching by. Others in the audience are singing too." }, { "number": "0922", "head": "05/18/88", "content": "I and an \"alien\" are together in Aunt Elaine's house. I go to the kitchen area and write a note. I want to convince the authorities that the alien and I can create an interesting show that gives me time to be with the alien. I'm interested in him but I can't just be open about it. [BL]" }, { "number": "0923", "head": "05/18/88", "content": "A baby girl pees into a pot and one of her legs is in the pot so she makes a mess. I pick her up; Howard is watching. I put her on my lap. I am washing her off and want to do a good job so Howard will approve." }, { "number": "0924", "head": "05/19/88", "content": "It's easy to learn my lessons now. I am in a writing class writing fast to keep up. Both my daughters and I are learning \"freshman\" writing together. We leave the class as it is over. It's crowded and I am in a wheelchair. I go up a crowded aisle, trying not to run over anyone seated on the edges. At the door I am standing. I walk out. It is dark and rainy. Ellie points to the next building and says, \"there's the next class. Where's the path?\" I walk ahead and see the path. \"Here it is,\" I say." }, { "number": "0925", "head": "05/19/88", "content": "I am seated on a couch near a bike. I hear my father's yacht and think it would be fun to dance on the yacht, but choose not to. An old Indian woman in a wheelchair rolls up to me. She tells me that my father is using and wasting lots of gasoline that she and her people could use for a better life. I feel badly. She leaves. A good-looking man watches caringly. I talk with a young adult woman who just got married. She shows me dream symbols. I see a stone and an iron and a shirt. I say, \"Hey, these are all work. There is no fun here in this room.\" I see a philodendron plant on a worn carpet. The good-looking man comes and stands by me. He is loading his gun. I say, \"Oh, so that's where the bullets are\" (a box on a dresser). My father uses those bullets too. He says, \"Yes,\" and I tell him about my experiences with the old woman. We are very close. He says, \"I'll show you how to load the gun.\" Our heads touch as we draw closer to look. I see big, grey pewter bullets. It feels very good to be close to this caring man." }, { "number": "0926", "head": "05/20/88", "content": "I took a good bath and then I lay down in a \"University\" bathtub which belongs to Dickie. I am wearing blue jeans and no top. It is unnecessary to take the second bath. I then go to put some makeup on. I put on lipstick. I choose a necklace with little hearts on it. I think about one that has little birds and hearts and choose not to wear it. I put on eye shadow. It is thick and globby. I scrape some of it off." }, { "number": "0927", "head": "05/20/88", "content": "I see a high rack filled with books, like in a book store. A man is seated near it, in front of it on one side. He looks a little forlorn. He says, \"You've got your books and people. I just want a job.\" I go to one of my \"aunts\" and tell her about him. We all own a big ranch and we agree to give him a job as a cowboy, riding a horse. I ride the horse to the ranch, which is a little like V's house. I go toward the front enclosed porch. There is a busy restaurant there. A woman has ordered eggs and is unsatisfied with the ones she got, so I step in to cook her new eggs. I give her the eggs and then try to scrape the old ones with a bit taken out of them onto a platter to serve to someone else. I pick up rice and eggs from under the platter with my spoon. A man watches and I feel a little embarrassed like I'm cheating or being stingy." }, { "number": "0928", "head": "05/21/88", "content": "Three unusual stones. An older couple show them to me. I put them in the back of a pickup and then I get in the back of the pickup too." }, { "number": "0929", "head": "05/21/88", "content": "A crazy woman lies in a child's crib. Three miniature girls with flabby double chins are near her. Together they are creating problems for me. They are in the third bedroom at the end of a narrow hall on the right. It is an old, neglected house. There are buttons and locks to get in." }, { "number": "0930", "head": "05/22/88", "content": "A crowd of people want to get the best seats and rush forward. I want to be one of them, but hesitate. They go up a lot of stairs and sit way up high in a balcony near the stairs. I realize I'm glad I didn't join them. The stairs would have been hard. I leisurely go up a few stairs until I get an adequate, only slightly blocked view. I start to sit on a \"pew\" but notice a purse. I choose the next lower \"bench\" as it is empty and I don't want to share the space with anyone. I have to bend my head some to be able to see clearly." }, { "number": "0931", "head": "05/22/88", "content": "I am in my wheelchair and come up to the reception counter at the doctor's office. I say, \"I'm here for my appointment.\" She says, \"Yeah, 9 minutes after 10. You're late.\" She is putting some sickly looking grapes and berries into a bowl. They are a pale white and look a bit slimy. I look at another clock. It says one minute after 10. I say, \"I'm only one minute late. That's not so bad.\" She calls out to someone else to verify the time. She grudgingly agrees I might be right." }, { "number": "0932", "head": "05/23/88", "content": "There's this old guy who owns a business (maybe a trailer court) and a young guy who is very business astute. They become politicians and are very good. The young guy has a sister who is sheltered at home. He goes to pick her up. We are sitting in the back seat of a car. The sister says to her older woman friend. \"I put the long line (underpants) in my purse.\" The woman shushes her. I lean to the woman and say, \"I hope you'll take good care of her. I know you will.\" A sort of secret here. I'm not supposed to know they are planning on sneaking off. But I have figured it out and I am giving my blessings. The woman then notices we are driving up a very steep hill and is surprised. \"Where we are going?\" she asks. I smile and say, \"Wait 'til you see it's even steeper and more curved up ahead.\" We round a curve and I see an ocean side cottage up facing the cliff side. A sign indicates a sea shell and souvenir shop. I think that's an odd place to have it. Rarely is this road traveled because it is residential. We pull up to an older woman's house. We go inside." }, { "number": "0933", "head": "05/24/88", "content": "I am visiting Carol and Rob and am in the bathroom brushing my teeth. Rob sneaks in, thinking he is finding Carol. I feel a little embarrassed, like I'd been caught with my pants down. There is no water, so I turn on a faucet. Slimy green gunk comes out of the faucet. I get some on my brush. A child tells me it will make me sick. I enjoy Carol and Rob's company. I think I should buy Sat. dinner, but I don't." }, { "number": "0934", "head": "05/24/88", "content": "Merle comes by to visit. His wheelchair is a miniature clown car. I come into the living room to see it and I laugh. Two people are with him. I ask myself how I will be health-wise in 5 years. I look up on the ceiling and I see myself floating back down in some bubbly water. My eyes and my mouth are wide open and I'm staring. I feel queasy and think maybe I'm swimming and I try to make the image look a little less frightening and \"dead.\" I then ask if I'm going to be in a relationship. I look around the living room and don't see anyone. Later, I go upstairs to talk to Jerome. Dickie is in his office and I sit next to him and tell him off. I wait for W so I can tell him off too. I see a window and notice I am now where the \"health\" image had been floating and I try to see it from another perspective. All I see is the living room from a ceiling view." }, { "number": "0935", "head": "05/26/88", "content": "My parents had taken the keys to my car. I went to someone who had my keys and demanded them back. I pointed out that I owned the car and paid for the insurance. They reluctantly gave me the keys. I got into the car to drive, only I ended up in the trunk. I had to lean out to the left to see and had trouble driving straight. I struggled and finally ended up in the driver's seat." }, { "number": "0936", "head": "05/27/88", "content": "Marlon Brando. Sweet kissing and love." }, { "number": "0937", "head": "05/27/88", "content": "I am following a mechanical baby doll in a parade." }, { "number": "0938", "head": "05/27/88", "content": "I come into a room where the teacher is speaking. I see a baby on a blanket and speak softly to her. The teacher is angry and tells me to just go to my room and recite Hamlet (\"To be or not to be?\") I get angry at her and tell her she's wrong and too harsh. I have my classmates as witnesses and she'll get in trouble. She cowers angrily. Then my classmates and I get to our dormitory room which has beautiful spacious pieces of antiques and ritzy furniture. It's a big open space and each girl's space is marked by her furniture." }, { "number": "0939", "head": "05/27/88", "content": "I can't find a phone number of the police. I'm going to tell on somebody." }, { "number": "0940", "head": "05/30/88", "content": "Something about sexual abuse." }, { "number": "0941", "head": "05/30/88", "content": "A princess and I are trying to hide out. There is an old boyfriend around. We go to a house to get a room. I walk down two flights of stairs. The banister is very rickety and wobbly. The man at the top of the stairs is thrilled to be touching the same banister I am. We get to the bottom of the stairs and the princess says, \"The landlady won't show us a room. We'll have to take it sight unseen.\" I go to the landlady and say, \"I want to see the room before we decide to take it.\" Something in my tone makes her decide to show me the room. We walk down a hall to our \"room,\" which is a bed and a tiny two-drawer bureau. There is a large window with a nice view and more space because it's at the end. I ask if there is a bureau and she says not. I ask if I am expected to buy one. We agree I do." }, { "number": "0942", "head": "05/31/88", "content": "Lots of dreams, but I only remember snatches. Raspberries. Grandma Mildred. Work. Josh says, \"Maybe now the doctors' female faculty can meet. They couldn't before because of all the bad feelings. They still can't at the Counseling Dept.\" I ask Veronica for more work, even though I have plenty of tasks I can do." }, { "number": "0943", "head": "06/01/88", "content": "I look out a window. My father is gathering up a group of young people. They gather up in a circle and start singing \"Swing Low Sweet Chariot.\" I feel teary because it's my favorite song and I sing along even though I know it will hurt my throat and cause it to close up. I look at photographs of my Adam cousins. Millie comes into the house. She's all dolled up for a date and is waiting for him to arrive. It's near midnight. I am quite surprised because she's married. I sit next to her and put my hand on her arm. \"Aren't you married?\" I ask hesitantly. She looks upset and says, \"Jim died.\" I say, \"I'm sorry. I didn't know.\" I remember back. She's had five husbands, each one for just a few years; some died, some divorced. I go to the Dairy Queen. There is a turquoise Cadillac, 1955, there. I drive it around. There are two matching turquoise pistols on the hood. I have to take the car back. I try to turn left on a road full of bumper-to-bumper traffic. Finally I get to the D.Q. Others push the car as the engine isn't on. I pull in. The owner seems relieved as he didn't know what happened to the car. People are bringing books to a used book sale. A woman hands in a pile of books that are the best of the bunch. I see Science Fiction titles." }, { "number": "0944", "head": "06/02/88", "content": "I am around a table with C department people. Josh says we have to go to another place so Tyler is going to walk with me. As we are walking up the street, we look ahead and see a huge water buffalo loose. He is quite active so Tyler and I decide we'll climb up a tree to be safe. I climb up. There are lots of other people in the tree. The water buffalo decides to try and reach me. He rears up and stretches his nose and I scramble up higher and higher. I'm now clinging to some pretty skinny branches. He finally goes away. I climb down and Tyler and I continue walking, talking excitedly about our narrow escape. Then I notice Tyler isn't there. I look around and see I'm in a bad neighborhood, sleazy bars, etc. I think, \"Where is Tyler when you need him?\" I look behind me and see Tyler and Mabel talking and laughing. I feel jealous and hurt. I keep walking. Mabel catches up and I want to share the buffalo story, but I don't to \"teach her\" or punish him. Then I relent and tell her. Joe F. is ahead and has a skinny, flimsy motorbike. He asks me to help get it started. I tease him. So do some tough guys. Now I'm in a house. I want to go outside and go to an extension of the house and get a book, but it's dark outside and I turn on the porch light, but decide it's safer to go back in and go through the house to get to the extension to get my book." }, { "number": "0945", "head": "06/03/88", "content": "I am shopping in Payless looking for a piece of furry material I can have to touch. I find a few things but they aren't soft enough. I find purses with pockets and they look pretty, but they won't do. Then I notice that the merchandize section of Payless is very small. The rest of the space is filled with tables and chairs like in a restaurant and in the back is an aerobics class." }, { "number": "0946", "head": "06/03/88", "content": "I am looking at a rack of clothes and see a pretty blouse. I say, \"I don't remember owning this.\" Then I realize it's my mother's blouse. She says, \"You can have it.\" She looks slim and young and well dressed. Dee Dee is also there, so I put it on. It is black with little flowers on it (roses) and short-waisted. I look good. I say, \"I have a tension headache,\" and Dee Dee places her hands on my head to massage it. It feels very good. She hurts her hand and hops around wiggling it in the air. I apologize. She says, \"It's OK. I see Bob V. I say, \"Hey Bob, what about the scanner?\" He says, \"What about it?\" I say, \"Can I borrow it? He says, \"Sure. Let's talk about it over a drink, a tomato and a drink after work.\" I say, \"OK.\" He leaves and I say to Dee Dee, \"He's married.\" She says, \"Well, last week he had an affair with Mirabelle.\" I decide to go to my office without my wheelchair, to walk it. I hope I have enough energy. I start down lst floor hall and remember my office is on the 4th floor. I feel strong and good and hope it lasts the whole day. I pass a flower shop and a friend says, \"How do you like it after we remodeled?\" I said, \"It looks good,\" and put a flower in my hair. I pass a counter. A woman says, \"You're a Jew.\" I say, \"Think again,\" quite belligerent. She is mortified and embarrassed for her mistake. I lecture her and go to find the elevator. I finally find it. Two other women with their guitars are on the elevators. The doors are malfunctioning and no one else can get on. We are worried, but make it to the 4th floor. Now I am carrying one guitar case. The clasps are open and I'm trying to close them as I walk." }, { "number": "0947", "head": "06/04/88", "content": "I tell Arvonne that I will help her sweep the floor. I use a towel and hit at the dust balls. I wonder why I'm doing this. Then I see a broom that Arvonne has left for me and I use it. I find popcorn under the bed. I pile up hats and rhinestone jewelry in one pile in a closet." }, { "number": "0948", "head": "06/04/88", "content": "I am at an island where I've gone to lead a quiet, peaceful life. Someone told me to do it. It looks a little boring. Then I am crawling back from a work day of picking up fruits, and I'm dragging myself and the fruits down a muddy road. I'm exhausted. I look to my left and see waves and realize that a tidal wave is coming in. I go to the house to get Howard so we can drive to safety. Then it's over and I see the muddy ground. I want to leave the island and return to my normal life." }, { "number": "0949", "head": "06/05/88", "content": "My \"roommate\" kicked me out and I had to leave without any money or my clothes. I came back and packed my things so I would be all right. I go out to a living room. Pete and Maggie are there. Nate comes in, all excited. He has a formula, an answer. But he can't figure out some of the symbols. He asks me what they mean. I look at them and say, \"I don't know.\" I give up and start to walk to my room. He insists I try. It is a shaped thing and he says it means guilt but he doesn't know what the \"B\" means. I say, \"I don't know.\" We all sit on the couch and as he's talking, I caress his back and hair. Maggie looks surprised and Nate says, \"We used to be good friends,\" or, \"We're old friends.\" I am aware of Pete. He feels jealous. I get up to regretfully walk away, a small two-yea- old child clings to my legs. It is pleasant, the closeness, and we walk away from Nate." }, { "number": "0950", "head": "06/05/88", "content": "I am swimming in calm waters and doing very well. I swim toward a rock at the deep end. As I near the rock, I realize I'm getting tired out and need to hang on. I reach for the rock and become aware of evil things lurking under the rock. I slide around the rock and discover I'm in the rough ocean side and feel like I might not make it. I struggle and finally get back to the calm waters and feel safer. [BL]" }, { "number": "0951", "head": "06/06/88", "content": "Abner and I are walking toward a car. We are hugging and walking arm in arm. It is pleasant but must be \"sneaky\" because he's related to me. We get in the small car because we can sit close together without being obvious." }, { "number": "0952", "head": "06/06/88", "content": "I am in a large room, sort of a bedroom/classroom. My client Tim (student) comes in with 3 pals, all in a joking mood. They are cute. I go over to a round table to check my appointment times. A man walks through, smiling to himself. I leave and am walking down a hilly sidewalk. I hear 1950's upbeat music and see a sorority group dancing with long sorts of charm skirts. It is amazing. I start to dance too, laughing. I stop and sit on the prickly grass near the area to watch. A man who likes me (like the cute guy from Mechanics Dept.) asks me over to sit with him on the sidewalk stairs to his house. He asks his son permission. I come into the house. The man and his son like me. The son is going to perform a trick for me. He will look like he's hanging himself, but he is safe the whole time. The father and I are nervous about it. It appears that the rope around his neck is too tight. We grimace when he does. He does the trick, sort of, and it's OK." }, { "number": "0953", "head": "06/07/88", "content": "A sweet baby-faced kitten is presented to me. They want to keep it. I say, \"o you've decided not to keep the puppy.\" They said, \"Yeah, it can take care of itself. It has the 'neighborhood.' The kitten has been making it alone since birth.\"" }, { "number": "0954", "head": "06/07/88", "content": "Kris and I are taking care of some older, helpless people." }, { "number": "0955", "head": "06/07/88", "content": "I walk between a man and a baby. He hands me a book. I take it, saying, \"I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were playing with the baby. I didn't mean to interfere with your game.\" He has warm eyes and watches me. I continue shopping. I find a bin with things in it. I find a black graduation tassel. I look up and see the man watching me. I have a hard time making eye contact. I feel a little flustered and embarrassed. I see the baby on a couch propped up with pillows drinking a bottle. She starts to sit up and falls off the couch. I run to catch her. So does he. I pick her up, cooing to her. She's all damp from spilt milk and sweat and urine. I say, \"Let's get you cleaned up, then you'll be more comfortable.\" I hug her. She has dark, curly hair. The man approves." }, { "number": "0956", "head": "06/08/88", "content": "I am traveling in Moscow with a group. I dress up in a formal and lead the group in a guided fantasy. They are smiling and uncooperative. I tell them to imagine someone really nice being next to them. They giggle, so I say, \"OK, it's obvious you aren't ready for this so we'll just stop.\" I am disappointed in them. I want to take the day off from all the activities. I go to rest and see a woman in a yellow French cut swimsuit. She is standing because she wants to relax and sun bathe but a man is there looking at her and it makes her feel uptight. Delta S. is near and I lay down on the floor to relax for a while." }, { "number": "0957", "head": "06/09/88", "content": "Nate comes to the door. I let him in. He looks around and wants to know if I'm alone. I say, \"No, the family is in another room.\" Aunt Muriel is in the room with us. Nate lays down on the couch I'm sitting on. His head is in my lap. I assure him that Aunt Muriel is really all right. I then felt worried that she heard me talk about her and went over what I said to assure myself I didn't say anything bad. (I woke up and started to try and remember early memories and then fell back asleep. I remember two dreaming images.) l) A small white hand covering up a large mouth in a purple face, so they can't speak, and 2) three baby birds feeding a very fat, round mama bird." }, { "number": "0958", "head": "06/10/88", "content": "I am looking at images of what went wrong in our marriage. Lots of snapshots, interviews; I remember the color black. I am helping my bad ex-husband set up a shower. It's a lot of tall, ungainly pipes. Between us we get it set up and the cold water pours out of the shower head. I take a cold, cold shower. I am fully clothed and find a small sample bottle of shampoo in my shirt pocket. I wash my hair and arms. I feel very invigorated by the shower because it is so cold. I step out and walk jauntily past my ex-husband and all the pictures. A voice (maybe my brother, Jake) says, \"Now, do me a favor. Give him the shampoo. You can work together a little bit.\" I realize I had selfishly kept the bottle, which had only cost 75 cents. I gave it to him. [BL]" }, { "number": "0959", "head": "06/11/88", "content": "I bring a box of papers and things to where Arvonne, Jock and Sheila J are seated around a table. I take out and try to find six copies of my latest newsletter to give to Sheila. As I am getting them out, Jock says, \"I stopped doing mine because it scared some people.\" I replied that I disagreed and pointed to a tall tree trunk outside the window. I said, \"See that tree. Even if someone was afraid of that tree, I'd still plant it. Then the person can learn not to be afraid. You can't not have trees because one person is afraid. Everything would shut down, if you did.\"" }, { "number": "0960", "head": "06/11/88", "content": "Something about rooms. Arvonne is in the dream." }, { "number": "0961", "head": "06/12/88", "content": "I lost my black purse and I am going to a concert, but some guy is looking for me. He is going to fix me. So I go to sit in the second level balcony, which is not my usual place. Then I start to retrace my steps to find the purse. I go into the restroom and walk around. It's not there." }, { "number": "0962", "head": "06/13/88", "content": "I find a bird feather-shaped earring hanging caught on a zipper loop of my jumper top. It is Lucy's and I say, \"Oh look, here is your earring.\" She says, \"Oh, the other one had a break in it, a 'line,' and I think I threw it away.\" I said, \"Look. Maybe you still have it.\" Merle and I are going down a hill." }, { "number": "0963", "head": "06/14/88", "content": "A young girl has rheumatoid arthritis. Some people are trying to explain things to her to help her. I am crying. A nice man is going to help her. I think I am worried they can't and don't want to stir up her hopes. The man and I go into his familiar formal room. He tells me to look into a mirror with a heavy, gilded frame. I look and at first I can't see anything. Then I see me, sad, seated and a man (him). I, a happy, healthy me, stand between them trying to explain something. [BL]" }, { "number": "0964", "head": "06/14/88", "content": "Something about going down town. Slightly wet." }, { "number": "0965", "head": "06/15/88", "content": "Lucy and I are talking. She is concerned. I notice that a baby is in a crib, but the walls of the crib are down and she could fall out. She looks uncomfortable. I feel compelled to help her. I hold her for a while. Then I put her in the crib and pull up the sides so she is well protected. She suddenly feels more relaxed and closes her eyes to sleep comfortable. I go to find some videos to show George and we all decide to order up a video movie to watch for fun. I ask everyone if they want to do that and they agree. I feel guilty about leaving the baby unattended for so long. She may wake and need me, but these people need me and besides I want to have fun. I uncomfortably put aside my nervousness about her." }, { "number": "0966", "head": "06/16/88", "content": "I see a picture of a \"Suicide Decision Farm.\" I feel scared." }, { "number": "0967", "head": "06/16/88", "content": "Jerome is thinking of moving on to another job. It's time. He's done all he can here. I am a little annoyed at him. He's so arrogant. I notice that everyone has learned from him and everyone has a gift for him. I call it to his attention. He hides by having his head in the Birthday/Goodbye cake. His wife - maybe he's hiding from her. Anyway, I scrape off the frosting and cake to uncover him. Later, I say, \"These gifts are all for him.\" I take them to his office and say in a belligerent tone, \"Here is a gift from someone who didn't like you, but who has changed his mind.\" Jerome laughs. I say, \"You were a son of a bitch, you know.\" He agrees. There are two very long, flat and tall gifts up on his desk leaning against the wall. I give him several other gifts as well." }, { "number": "0968", "head": "06/17/88", "content": "A man is trying to mount a horse. He says he likes thoroughbreds because they fight (or are strong). The horse becomes a black, long hair Persian cat. I am walking and I ask where the sheriff is. He is the actor John Ritter, very cute. He comes over to me and we talk. I am very attracted to him. We stand close together and I am very aware of his warm, caring eyes. I put my arms around him and we hug. We don't want to be separated. It is very caring and good. Sensual. He tells me he has 2 kids. The girl is moving up to the next step in her studies. She's quite smart and is advancing fast." }, { "number": "0969", "head": "06/17/88", "content": "I am looking for a motel with Bonnie. I pass one with blue flowers near it. Someone else will check it out. I go into a big hotel. Bonnie and a baby girl are there. The girl is about two years old and wants to share her drink with me. She puts her blue cup up to my lips and tips it upside down. Clear liquid pours into my mouth. I notice there is mushy food stuff in there as well. I avoid the gunk and drink the liquid. Bonnie exclaims about how the little girl seems to like me." }, { "number": "0970", "head": "06/18/88", "content": "I'm seated in the back seat with my mother. We're going to the airport. Someone mentions the name of the airport we're going to and I realize it's in another state. That's three thousand miles away! I say, \"What's the purpose of taking a plane if we're driving all the way there just to get to the airport!\"" }, { "number": "0971", "head": "06/19/88", "content": "Merle and I are wheeling up a hilly road. We're going to go swimming. We go into a glass building and see a pool. I tell Merle I don't have a suit or a cap. He looks a little annoyed and says, \"How did you expect us to swim?\" I shrugged my shoulders. He says, \"Maybe there is a suit in the locker room.\" Three drunk men walk into the pool fully clothed. The owner comes and chases them out. He fires them. I realize that a good job is now vacant, an executive position. I decide to apply. I go into the secretary (Judy) and put in my application. The guy recognizes me and says \"Now here's the best expert!\" I feel pleasure. It's a vocational rehab job near the University and I'm good at DIS awareness. I whisper to Judy to be sure to tell me as soon as she knows, no special favors, but we are friends. She kind of snickers. Then I go to a room to wait. It's like a spare bedroom in Ginny and Ernie's house. Ernie's old desk, with his name on it. Ellie and the baby are there. I hold Charla. I yell, \"Shut up,\" once and feel guilty. I change her. We decide to go downstairs and have to sit on the desk, which is an elevator. I hold Charla." }, { "number": "0972", "head": "06/19/88", "content": "Sexual abuse is an area to pursue." }, { "number": "0973", "head": "06/19/88", "content": "I am in a movie. I play one part in the morning and go to another set to play another part in the afternoon. I dress up real sexy. Three guys follow me into the elevator. I avoid eye contact to let them know I'm not interested. One guy opts to get out because I'm so cold. That's the same floor I'm getting off on, the 3rd floor. I flash my wrist to tell them I'm OK and supposed to be there. A woman says, \"Go get your name band. Tell her (the secretary) your name (character name) is Pandemonium.\" She makes a wrist band for me. I think this is all a lot of fun, playing different parts and lots of people around me." }, { "number": "0974", "head": "06/19/88", "content": "Jock is in a tuxedo with rhinestones all over it. I am choosing a dress to wear to the department prom. I have on a white dress, skinny halter top, showing lots of midriff. I want more color. I ask a woman to tack on bunches of ribbons. She asks where. I say here, at my waist. I notice the dress is now red and green striped, very colorful." }, { "number": "0975", "head": "06/20/88", "content": "Lucy is driving my car. I am giving her directions, like backup. \"Go straight. Stop now! You've only got another foot to a slight drop off.\" I couldn't imagine why I just didn't do the driving. It would be easier and safer. Jake is in the pickup as well. We are in a parking lot. We park and get out. Jake is being very apologetic and I say, \"Don't over help.\" They go ahead and I try to catch up. I call out, \"Sandy.\" I'm in an intersection. A crowd is gathering. There is some ceremony where money is being given to a disability cause. I see Lucy and Jake and then I am crowded in by many, many tall men. I look around and exclaim, \"So tall! It's not fair!\" They can see well. I'm all smashed up against some guy's beige polyester suit. Cameras are everywhere. They can't see me I'm so crowded in. Some man says,\"Where do we donate?\" And a man says, \"It's already been done.\" The money's here already and I notice I'm standing right at the center of the attention where a round baseball is. The crowd has suddenly thinned out. The cameras are gone. The excitement is over. [BL]" }, { "number": "0976", "head": "06/21/88", "content": "Dovre comes to me upset. I suggest to her that she create a ritual, a ceremony, and then she'll feel better. I suggest that she go outside to the big bathtub and I'll lay her down in the water. I tell her to think of the words she wants said over her. I feel a little tired, but agree to do the ceremony with her or for her. I also tell her to think of what to say to other people ahead of time. I give her examples for my mother and for Jake. I say, \"So if Jake says, 'Yeah! That's stupid,' you can say, 'I can see you don't agree with my decision, but I think it's important.'\" Something about religion. Something about a baby. I pick up an unfinished crocheted rug, round, in pastel baby colors, and start to crochet. I tell Dwight that if he wants me to make one for his baby, it would cost a lot. It feels good to be doing my crafts again." }, { "number": "0977", "head": "06/22/88", "content": "There is a tunnel up ahead and there was a rock slide in it. We all can't go in there, only a few selected journalists can go in. The guy and I are sort of competing for the honor. We get chosen. We go on ahead. There is some danger and one of us, the woman, is being foolhardy and putting us into possible danger." }, { "number": "0978", "head": "06/23/88", "content": "I go into a town on the coast. I've shopped there before, but I'd never stayed so long or go so deeply into the town. I am enjoying the book shop or library. Then I'm in a hotel room. The room next door has a piano and I hear classical music. It's time for the kids and me to take a nap. They squiggle around and are not cooperative. My huge xerox machine is not working right. Copies come out on ripped paper or are buried under old papers. A woman helps me. I finally get a clear copy. I see my cousin Sonja; I ask her if she's all right. She grimaces, she's \"OK.\" I have a huge fat, short, pink cigarette and I want to smoke, it but I can barely fit it in my mouth. I borrow a wooden match from Sonja. I light it and puff frantically. She helps me by putting lots of matches in the cigarette end to try to catch them all on fire." }, { "number": "0979", "head": "06/24/88", "content": "I am peeking into \"Brenda's\" purse and find a long, rectangular metal box that is full of junk. It's my box. I put things back and realize that I haven't remembered the exact placement, so she'll know I've been invading her privacy. I feel embarrassed but, oh, well, some woman sees me and asks what I'm doing. I ignore her. Brenda's husband drives home and parks the red convertible on a rounded, semi-dome driveway. I think the dome on the mansion is better, more authentic. Brenda puts things up on the wall. She's still angry at me, and then she needs my help. She wants me to watch dinner for her and I agree, hoping this will make up for the peeking. I look in the skillet and see the meat frying. \"Dog Meat,\" I say, disgusted. The other woman plops in a big candied ham. I feel a little better." }, { "number": "0980", "head": "06/25/88", "content": "I am seated on a couch. Ellie comes in and is upset. She sits on the other end of the couch facing me. We talk. My mother comes in and sits in a chair beside Ellie, also facing me. She asks questions of Ellie, and I interrupt and say, \"Ellie has had a rough time. She needs quiet or support.\" My mother looks at me and says something like, \"That comment was meant for me, wasn't it?\" I lie and say,\"No, I was talking about Ellie's situation.\" I feel embarrassed, caught and vulnerable." }, { "number": "0981", "head": "06/25/88", "content": "I am handed a program by my sister Lydia. First she brings me a bowl of ice cream and an apple pie slice. I ask if there is sugar in it. She says yes. I say, \"I guess I have to find out sometime if its OK to eat.\" I eat it and am o.k. I am looking at the instructions in the book she gave me. A man is watching, behind me. I start to cry, deep hurtful sobs and he says, \"You there, the one crying, shut up.\" As he says, \"Shut up,\" I yell at him, \"Shut up.\" I keep crying. I write down who has helped me to find myself. I write Peter and then add me and Peter, me and ____, me and ____. I also write in Bonnie and Ginny. I see a miniature man's hat. I'm supposed to put it on. One the next page is a note to me if I decide not to go on. It's a pep talk of some kind." }, { "number": "0982", "head": "06/26/88", "content": "I am visiting a historical home of Edgar Allen Poe. I walk down several flights of carpeted stairs that are steep, with no handrails. I have to be careful and I trip and slip a few times. I go into his bedroom. There is a man laying on his bed, which is a water bed. The shirt (blue flowers on a white background) is over the body of the man, head and all. He gets up and leaves. I go out into the hall and say, \"Which wa?.\" \"You choose,\" is the answer. There is a narrow stairway going down. I pass it and go across the hall to the Press Room. He has a letter press. I touch the metal letters and symbols in awe. I see \"mats\" of advertising and see sports emblems, noticing one for the Grizzlers (M City High). I am pleased. I think they must be bored here because they always see the same samples. I turn and go back down the hall. I turn left into his parents' bedroom. The dresser looks ordinary, but the bed is strange. There's an open hole in the middle with metal pieces, like a dining room table that opens to put in extra leaves. I think, \"That must be where they keep the extra blankets and covers.\"" }, { "number": "0983", "head": "06/27/88", "content": "A young woman didn't get her money back right away and she's crying and won't listen to reason. Bonnie and I send her on her way, laughing at her gently. I find a sticker to put on the spine of a book and have some difficulty getting it to stay stuck. Bonnie has found some food she really loves. It is like a spread to put on crackers. Two ingredients are put together. She says, \"It is so delicious.\" She just can't wait to taste it again. She is quite excited. \"Try it,\" she says. I see a platter with graham crackers and saltine spread with a thin layer of stuff. I choose the saltine, cause it doesn't have sugar. \"Hum,\" I say, \"It does taste good.\" I'm not as thrilled as Bonnie. Now I'm going into a house to take the baby to visit Grandma. A nice man is there. He dives into a pool of water to adjust the pipes. He is very helpful. It's time to leave. He'd like me to stay and visit. I take the baby to Grandma to say goodbye for awhile." }, { "number": "0984", "head": "06/28/88", "content": "I am at a meeting and feel pleased to be included with such excellent people. I am aware that I have the least qualifications of them all. I only have a Master's Degree and I wear a silly hat (like Evangeline's). They are warm and receptive to me. The leader drives up. I change places to the other side of the table. Someone says, \"Will he know where the center is?\" The woman leader says, \"Center stage is where every B is.\" I feel very happy and pleased." }, { "number": "0985", "head": "06/29/88", "content": "Lucy sits next to me at a restaurant, long table. She announces that she is naked under her blanket. She just didn't feel like wearing clothes. We are tasting food. The wife of the restaurant owner wants our opinion. I want to leave and go home. The \"games\" there are uncomfortable. First I'm going to shampoo my hair. I am in a room and a man watches. I use too much shampoo and spill it into a small container. Now Elizabeth Taylor is taking a bath. A man in a leather jacket comes in, opening 3 wallets with credit cards and money. He says, \"This is what I offer. All you have to give is you.\" I'm a little disgusted and want Elizabeth to leave but she doesn't want to. So I leave. [BL]" }, { "number": "0986", "head": "06/30/88", "content": "I am made president and it makes a man nervous. He tells me if I don't think I can do it, I'd better step down because otherwise I'll be jeopardizing others. Then I am introducing Eddie D and his wife to the President Ronald Reagan. Eddie is overcome and cries and hugs the president. Then I am dabbing hot milk on my nipples. So is Arvonne in the other room. It hurts and we are saying \"Oh, ouch,\" etc." }, { "number": "0987", "head": "07/01/88", "content": "I go into a room, a bedroom, and find some cousins there that I didn't know very well. His name is Russ and he's sleeping on the floor by the bed, between the bed and the wall, wrapped in a blanket. His wife greets me and we hug and talk. Then we are sitting next to a car. Russ and I are seated so close I'm practically in his lap. I become aware that that is too intimate, so I get in the car (VW). I say, \"Who is going to drive, you or me?\" He doesn't care, so I decide to drive and get in the driver's seat. Then I see that a group of rowdies has him and they are walking down the road. I want to save him and get him away from the influences of this gang." }, { "number": "0988", "head": "07/02/88", "content": "A man comes to the door and says \"Where's the Party?\" I say \"Oh! Are we having a party?\" I call out to Millie, \"Are we having a party?\" She says, \"Yes.\" I take the guy out to the back yard. He's the first one here. He gives me the sack he brought. I pour out forks, knives, and spoons. \"Good idea,\" I say. There is also chicken and other meats. I nibble on a piece of chicken." }, { "number": "0989", "head": "07/02/88", "content": "I am in a house. A man comes in. He and I used to be lovers and then I gave him to another woman. He's looking for her. She won't answer his letters. He misses her. I talk to him and encourage him to keep trying. She comes in and I try to talk her into giving him more time. I think about taking him back. Then I leave the house. A group of older women had just left and are together gossiping. I don't feel like I belong with them. I walk on, alone. I'm trying to get to my house (old M City House), and walk up a dirt path. I see a man leading a cow, which then meows. I tease him about, \"What kind of animal is it really?\" It then looks like a goat. I turn left and walk across a field to my house." }, { "number": "0990", "head": "07/03/88", "content": "I am holding a baby and we are at the ocean. The waves go way far back and roll up to where we are. I hold the baby and she leans back, submersing her face under water, and holding her breath. I am very proud of her and say, \"Look Dwight, how she holds her breath and doesn't choke on the water.\" We get up out of the water. Dwight has gone on ahead. An inspector comes up and wants information about Dwight. We go to the pickup and he looks around. I say, \"You won't find anything.\" He gets in the driver's seat and as he is driving, I calmly tell him, \"We don't have any brakes, you know.\" He pumps the brakes and sure enough there aren't any. He drives up a grassy hill, telling the cars on the freeway to the left, \"Look out, boys.\" They aren't helpful." }, { "number": "0991", "head": "07/03/88", "content": "Hank complains to me that I'm not doing my work well or says something about it. I confront him and say, \"It's a trust issue, isn't it?\" If you trusted me, you wouldn't be worried about how I did my work." }, { "number": "0992", "head": "07/04/88", "content": "I am a conductor on a train. There are three people and I lecture them on behaving. Just as the train starts up, a man crawls in through the window. A stowaway. I nab him and sit him down, demanding money for the trip. He reluctantly pulls out 2 or 3 dollars. I am disdainful and judgmental." }, { "number": "0993", "head": "07/04/88", "content": "Something about work." }, { "number": "0994", "head": "07/06/88", "content": "I come into the room walking pretty good, almost dancing. Paulina is going to give me a massage. Arvonne is there helping me and my daughter Paulina is jealous and curls up around me, glaring at Arvonne. Arvonne explains to her there is nothing to be upset about. She isn't interfering with our relationship." }, { "number": "0995", "head": "07/07/88", "content": "I have to go to the bathroom. I find a stall and sit down on the toilet. I hear lots of water sloshing and smell urine. I realize that I have sat down on a toilet that was full to the brim and dragged my skirts in the urine and water. I attempt to get the skirt out of the water. I try to urinate. It feels like I have a bladder infection. Small quantities come out and it's hard to push. I look over the short stall door and chat with a woman in the next stall. I get up to return to where I was, either counseling or a class, very aware of how I smell of urine. I feel embarrassed but know there isn't much I can do about it. Some guy wants me to counsel him. I am not interested in helping. I notice I have square boxes on my feet. I must have accidentally stepped in them and can't get them off. I see Dylan and ask him to help me. He does, smiling at my predicament in a friendly, teasing way. I slide down the hall, unable to stop easily." }, { "number": "0996", "head": "07/07/88", "content": "Now I come out of my house. I see a girl (Mexican) named Maria who is burrowing herself into the sand. She lives in a foster home nearby. I go to her. I can only see her face as the rest of her is buried in the sand. I try to speak in Spanish, but switch to English because she's losing interest and will disappear if I don't make myself clear. I invite her to visit my house, explaining that she can watch soap operas on TV (we could hear them from the house). She agrees reluctantly and follows me into the house. I am wearing a wedding ring, two of them. One is a store demo that has two words written on it. Bonnie is in the house." }, { "number": "0997", "head": "07/08/88", "content": "I am in the M City House and looking out the pool room window at the little house. I notice it is very ornate, Victorian-like, and am surprised I don't remember it like that. I see two officials and two girl singers at the platform. The conference has begun. I go through a door to see the exhibit table. Things are all piled up. I start to spread things out so they can be seen. I try to make an attractive display. PR (marketing) is important. I notice flyers for my book and also discuss the need for a sign on the door since the door is kept shut and the speakers and singers of my organization are in there. Ellie tells me a story about Judy who is nearby listening. She (Ellie) says Judy had lots of affairs. Once she even put the picture of one of the guys on her dresser and she was still married to her husband. Judy wasn't very proud of that. She sits right in front of me as I am trying to watch the TV. I sit up and put my head resting on hers or over to the right side. We are very close. George gives me a necklace. I decide to use the beads to sell for the organization. I take the beads off the string. As I do so, Judy and I discuss how much to sell it for. She suggests $100/a pound. I say there's not very many pounds. \"There's five pounds,\" she says. I say, \"You should sell them by the beads. You'd make more.\" Then I see George nearby and feel embarrassed and hope he doesn't notice that I took his personal gift and broke it up to use for the organization. Judy points him out to me. I wonder if I'd done wrong, again, made an incorrect decision. When I was removing the beads and exclaimed, \"There is even capro holders on this string.\" That was some kind of rare thing, a treasure." }, { "number": "0998", "head": "07/09/88", "content": "Millie is desperate to get a job. The feeling is she can't get one. She isn't qualified. She hears about a job and goes to apply. Lots of other women are there. She rushes in ahead of this other woman and says, \"They've already hired someone.\" The other woman turned away and Millie went in. Now we are in a house. A huge candle is in the living room. She and I notice the hot wax has made a hole and is going to fill it up and drip over the edges. She says, \"I'll watch it so it won't drip.\" I say, \"No, we'd better not burn the candle.\" A boy is very disappointed. Then the boy and his brother see some German soldiers conspiring to kill my grandfather who is asleep in his bed. The boys crawl under the bed to save themselves. The boy says to the younger one, \"If you make a sound, we'll die. Promise me no matter what happens, you will be silent.\" He promises. The woman soldier comes in with a machine gun and kills the grandfather. The boys are silently sobbing. Then the woman goes away and the boy goes to find her to kill her in revenge. He sees her and rushes to her, grabbing her by the throat and choking her near to death. Other soldiers, officers, men saying, \"Don't do it. Let the system kill her and then you won't be hurt.\" She sneers and says, \"What evidence do you have? It's my word against yours.\" The boy says, \"My brother saw you too.\"" }, { "number": "0999", "head": "07/10/88", "content": "It is nearing summer and I want to get my P.E. teacher's permission to work on my Master's project before she leaves for vacation. I ask Libby where Mrs. K. is. She's gone. \"So where is Mrs. Six (high school English teacher)?\" She's gone too. So I decide to go on vacation. Libby wishes me well. (She is English dept. sec.) I walk down this dirt jungle path and see creatures that are large birds (sort of cat faces and you can ride them). One is wild. I wonder if it's going to hurt me. Then I see it has a baby and I'm holding it. The mama is very upset and threatens me. I am careful not to hurt the baby. She watches me carefully. We form a tower. I see the village up ahead where I will stay and work. I try to imagine it as primitive huts, etc. I go into the house of my host family. It's nice. The family is in the dining room, down some steps. They see me and come up to welcome me. She points out my bed in the corner of the living room and he shows me a counter near it where I can eat." }, { "number": "1000", "head": "07/11/88", "content": "Lots of images: driving, brothers, race. Dancing, but as I got closer to the drummer/musicians, I noticed he was off beat. I had to concentrate to keep up. Exercise. Throwing semi-deflated balls around. Nobody cooperating. Several out of shape flabby men had heart attacks and were laying around feeling shaky and miserable. I thought to myself, \"I know what they feel like.\"" }, { "number": "1001", "head": "07/12/88", "content": "I am laying on a couch with a baby. A man sits across the room watching. I am trying to persuade the baby to scoot closer and cuddle to go to sleep. I am a little awkward. I see a room full of books. I talk about a Christmas dinner and how the kind I am used to seems the right kind. Imagine! Other people eat things like sauerkraut and think that's normal." }, { "number": "1002", "head": "07/12/88", "content": "I return \"home\" to show something to Ellie and see Arvonne is out near the door. I am upset that I have to go past her and she will see me. I go past and show Ellie my long chain of linked key chains. She shows me hers of equal length. Arvonne shows hers. I am surprised she enters into the discussion. We all sit at a long table. Arvonne says, \"It's a good thing we've taken the afternoon because it will take lots of time for her to share all about her new boyfriend.\" I think, \"Humm. Another one so soon. She's fast.\" I take a sip of oxygen off a tube out of the wall because we are on another planet and we need oxygen. Merle comes and joins us. I notice he is thinner and better-looking. I ask him how he does something. He growls, \"That's personal. I won't tell you.\" \"Well,\" I say, \"You sure are in a grumpy mood. What's so personal about that? I'd ask anyone that question.\" I am aware that Arvonne had been ready to share and we were using the time focused on someone else. I felt badly." }, { "number": "1003", "head": "07/13/88", "content": "My mother is either drunk or crazy. She looks drunk. She lisps, \"Look now at how I created this.\"" }, { "number": "1004", "head": "07/13/88", "content": "A test of I.Q. I try to sharpen my pencil. I notice I only brought one. The point isn't quite sharp enough and the electric pencil sharpener eats it down to a stub before I finally get a sharp point. Some guy is also taking the test. We begin." }, { "number": "1005", "head": "07/13/88", "content": "I'm in a show. I want to do a solo. A guy wants to join me and I refuse. Then I look on stage and there's a group of classmates improvving. I realize it's better work in a group and join them, inviting the guy to join us. I still manage to be in the center stage area and emote well. I'm the best." }, { "number": "1006", "head": "07/13/88", "content": "My sister Lydia and I are moving into my brother's old room, the big blue room. It's a mess. Lydia and I had been sleeping on stage, our heads of the beds nearest the audience, so we saw the back of the stage. We slept in twin beds side by side. Now I am sweeping the boys' room which is an extension of the stage area. There are two big windows, lots of dirt and grime on the wall under the windows. I sweep and sweep and notice some burnt logs from a fire. I put the logs in a fireplace \"closet.\" The place hasn't ever looked this clean. I decide it would be nice to remodel the fireplace into a closet to put clothes. I can't decide whether to keep the beds where they are or to put them in the alcove with the windows. I decide to put them in the alcove, even as I decide to feel some regret over not being on stage. Then I decide that area can be our play area. We can divide it in half: half hers, half mine. I go out into the audience area. I ask someone if it will be too expensive making the fireplace into a closet. They say no. I guess it's OK. Someone says, \"You really looked scared when the play started, but it was good, it worked with the lines.\" I said, \"I really was scared!\" They said, \"I'll never forget how you said the first line, something like, \"After all --- ain't it like the boys.\"" }, { "number": "1007", "head": "07/14/88", "content": "I am going to go to town. I notice we are approaching wet ground and I am somewhat concerned we don't slide into the ocean. We turn parallel to the shallow water and start to go through an archway. I then see the real ocean and a huge brown wave surging through the door. We back up hurriedly so as not to be drowned. Later, we go through the doorway, looking carefully for more waves." }, { "number": "1008", "head": "07/14/88", "content": "I am in a wheelchair. Someone says, \"Let's go downstairs and make fresh bread.\" I pull my chair around me like a deflated flotation device. I call Michael over. He's driving a two-seater with a small truck bed behind it, quite fancy. I ask him if he were to get a set of tools, which ones would he get? I don't want him to know I'm thinking of getting him some tools as a gift. A man calls us over. He's upset we're all in chairs, or maybe I'm thinking he might be upset. He says, \"Well, for instance, what if I was black instead of white?\" Lucy says it wouldn't make any difference to her. She's blind. [BL]" }, { "number": "1009", "head": "07/15/88", "content": "My male attendant and I are standing next to an old junky car. He tells me to wait, stand there and wait while he arranges the broken front seat. He isn't very effective and it takes a long time, I am annoyed. I go use the women's bathroom and come back. He says \"Oh, I thought it was broken.\" I said, \"No, that wasn't the men's room. The plumbing is broken there. I used the women's room and it worked fine.\"" }, { "number": "1010", "head": "07/16/88", "content": "The Drapes Nightmare. Ellie kept bothering me. She came into my house and wasn't thinking, just kept being in the way or annoying me. I tried to get her to leave me alone. I wanted to go to bed. I got into a small, thin brass bed but the covers and pillows wouldn't stay put. It was uncomfortable. I was very angry. I pushed and shoved to throw her out and she'd keep popping back in. I looked out the window and Arvonne was dressing up to go out. She was putting on a blond wig. It was a brassy, bright bee hive blonde hairdo. I was glad she was getting out of my way too. Now I'm in my room and sort of on a boat in a closed up space. A horrible dog/boy creature is attacking me and it bites savagely. A man behind me says, \"I'll help. Let me do that.\" I say nothing but continue to take the attack. It is very painful; constant and scary. Ellie is also attacking. I throw it away and it lunges back at me. I scream in agony and frustration. The man can't take it anymore. He grabs the horrible attacking thing and throws it into a garbage disposal. I scream, \"No!\" and hear the grinding up of its body and can't bear the thought of its pain or death. I don't want to cause anyone else pain. Then I look again in renewed horror because the thing is now four times larger, an ugly large boy, and he's crawling out of the garbage disposal to get me even worse. I run to escape. I go into a room, like a living room or a captain's bedroom of a boat. I go to the tall windows and try to climb up, pulling myself hand over hand up the drapes. Each drape I try to climb up falls and is replaced by another drape. This happens over and over and over. I know now I'm trapped. I panic, sobbing. I pick up objects off the dresser to heave it at the window to break it open and it just bounces off like it was Mylar plastic windows. Nothing I do helps. I am condemned to this hell for eternity." }, { "number": "1011", "head": "07/15/88", "content": "The Hitler Dream. My boyfriend and I are going up hill. I am on a train or in a wheelchair. My boyfriend sees Hitler and feels he must introduce me to Hitler. I want to be with my boyfriend, but as soon as Hitler sees me, he decides he wants to have sex with me. I have no choice. I feel trapped, resigned, scared. But before he can hurt me, I must be seen by either a priest or a counselor, I'm not sure which. It saves me. It intervenes and he (Hitler) goes away. The priest or counselor stands behind me and sort of hovers over me." }, { "number": "1012", "head": "07/15/88", "content": "The Arkansas Dream. Jolene and I are somewhere. A man comes by. I tell him Jolene is going to Arkansas and I tell her he's from my Arkansas hometown. He's either an old friend or a cousin. I am also aware I've rarely or never been to Arkansas. Before she goes, we decide to go down some stairs (even though I'm in a wheelchair. It's a bumpy ride.) We get to an open place. Jim, the community college priest, is fat and smiley. He comes over and tells me he's going to buy some illicit drugs. He puts on a see through plastic bag and goes to a sale table. I am quite surprised at this. I also see a woman wearing an old-fashioned, long skirted ruffly dress in Scotts plaid. Her plastic bag has the same plaid. I can't see who she is. I say, \"I think I've seen that nightgown before.\" I then decide to go shopping. I see rows and rows of colorful yarn - pinks, blues, whites and a beautiful Irish knit bedspread. I touch it and notice it is polyester 4 ply, lightweight and slick. But the pattern is pretty. I see several others and think I'd like to have one." }, { "number": "1013", "head": "07/17/88", "content": "The Pushed Aside Dream. I created an idea for a skit and then I see some famous actress doing my part, Jill St. James. I think she and two actors put jock straps on over their pants. It's a statement about women being oppressed. Now I'm with a group of women and we're doing the skit. I comment to some woman that I had the idea first, really. I feel a little embarrassed, like I'm being immodest or pushy. I look at the script because I can't remember exactly how it goes. We go to a men's auto shop class and begin. I play the part of a welfare mom. The man says there's no space available for me and I eloquently say, \"If I were a man, there would be. I'm a welfare mom, etc. etc.\" It was well received. Now the group bows and I prepare to bow, the group keeps getting larger until I'm off in a corner by the wall and no one can see me at the end of the line. The applause is warm. As we prepare to leave, a man who is a manager is interested in my SKILLS." }, { "number": "1014", "head": "07/18/88", "content": "I am carrying a baby around with me. I cuddle it and kiss it. It goes with me wherever I go. I go the bathroom. As I am sitting on the toilet a man (older) comes in and chats with me, very nonchalant. I say, \"Oh, I don't have any toilet paper.\" He brings me some." }, { "number": "1015", "head": "07/19/88", "content": "Pinch Big Toe Dream. I am being pinched on my big toe. It hurts (a reminder of the other dream)." }, { "number": "1016", "head": "07/19/88", "content": "The boss, who is a vampire, I think, calls me in. I'm in the middle of preparation. He tries on a collar. His helper tries it on and says remember, I have a very short neck. The boss smiles and says with pride, \"I have a very long one, of course.\" I enter and he says, \"I might ask you to recon the cost of the dinner.\" I say, \"Oh, I can already. If your figures are correct, and I know mine are, we should make a profit of over half the cost on the dinner.\"" }, { "number": "1017", "head": "07/19/88", "content": "Three animals are sleeping on my tummy. They stir and get restless. I shush them and hold them down, saying, \"No, Stay here. Go to sleep now.\" One cat, one small \"bear\" and something else; they do settle down and sleep." }, { "number": "1018", "head": "07/20/88", "content": "Dinner Dream. My father is laid out on top of a table. He is dinner. He is meekly waiting to be eaten." }, { "number": "1020", "head": "07/21/88", "content": "Engagement to Jack P. Three girls each dressed in white, lacy, long dresses come into my room. I admire their pretty dresses. Then their \"mother\" takes them down the hall to see their grandmother. She's asleep in her bed and wakes up. I see her sleepy face. She is Jack P's wife. I am packing and I pick up my engagement ring and try it on different fingers. I am engaged to Jack P, which feels strange since he's married. I notice the ring is very cheap." }, { "number": "1021", "head": "07/21/88", "content": "I am picking rocks and bird seed out of the dirt and throwing them to the animals. The bigger animals try to eat the good bird seed and I look for bigger rocks to give them. I find piles of white agate and crystal. Then I find carved horses and birds that go together like my wind chime. I am surprised. What's this man-made thing doing out here in the woods? A helicopter or plane lands. It's there to take me somewhere. I decide to go to work, using the short cut walking through the woods and up the hills. The girls and I walk, trying to stay hidden from the helicopter people." }, { "number": "1022", "head": "07/24/88", "content": "I am playing cards with a woman. I start a bid that could lead to grand slam. She does a preemptive bid, asking about my clubs. I see I have a long suit with no high cards. So does she. (The clubs are pretend.) I am surprised to see us playing bridge because we had started playing some other game. And there are only two of us. I decide to signal that we haven't enough to make grand slam and we play. I am the dummy." }, { "number": "1023", "content": "(07/24/88)\"Kathy\" is going. She gets into her old 1940's car. I am supposed to follow in my car with her puppy. I run after her with the puppy because I think she forgot it, and ask if it's all right if she take it and save me a trip. I feel guilty. I help her roll up her window so the puppy won't escape. She's a little annoyed, but she agrees and drives off." }, { "number": "1024", "head": "07/25/88", "content": "I am standing around like an idiot and someone says, \"Foolish woman, working so hard to get everything just right.\"" }, { "number": "1025", "head": "07/25/88", "content": "Some woman is annoyed with me because she gave me some information and I didn't get it back to her. I agree to get it for her. I get the papers and remember I was going to xerox it first -- it's a lot of information on music. I take it to a xerox machine. An office worker wants to know if I've been watching Hank because he has refused to make a copy of what he was supposed to copy. I say, \"No, I haven't.\" Hank walks in and I say, \"Hi Hank,\" to alert the other woman not to talk about him. I try to xerox. It is hard. There is a lot to copy. I ask Jock to help me. He does. Then I have to go to my dorm room to get more knitted clothes that belong to the woman. We pass a busy military-like man who has helicopter-like machine displays. Get to my room and Jock/Abner gets the clothes, sometimes getting my own clothes almost mixed up with the others. I look up at the ceiling and say, \"What happened to my ceiling?\" It has ribbon bows on it and the asbestos is on it. It's a mess. Someone explains, but I don't remember the reason. [BL]" }, { "number": "1026", "head": "07/27/88", "content": "I am going to go riding with Tyler and Jerome. They are on bikes. I'm on a motorbike. We go down steep stairs. Libby brings me some baskets. Co-worker Juliet is planning for the OCA conference and has brought knit dresses with markings and symbols on them so people can play interesting games. Someone brings in gifts for Libby and me, small corsages of flowers. I reach for one. It has a folded hankie on it (like the one Aunt Esther gave me when she died). I feel guilty that I reached for the best one and assure Libby I'm just looking. I see the letters POPP embroidered on one." }, { "number": "1027", "head": "07/31/88", "content": "Lucy is looking for some stairs. I give her verbal directions. She's on her hands and knees and isn't very good at following my directions. I am annoyed. I tell her she's in front of some plants. She knocks them over. Then she breaks the first step. I am not going up the steps, but they turn into a machine that will catch my hands and fingers if I'm not careful. My fingers get caught and I think I'm dreaming. I can change this. I think about getting my hands out and I succeed!" }, { "number": "1028", "head": "07/31/88", "content": "A blue bubbly steaming ocean. Lots of murky stuff surfacing." }, { "number": "1029", "head": "08/04/88", "content": "Someone is making 200 copies of a story or newsletter. They are in a hurry because they are moving. They put the copies at the end of our sidewalk in a cubby hole. I walk the long sidewalk because I see the mailman coming. A woman in a white jacket walks by and asks if we need any house numbers. I see we already have our numbers, \"995.\" She goes on asking each person if they need numbers. The mailman goes by and doesn't leave any mail. I ask him if we get any. He says no." }, { "number": "1030", "head": "08/06/88", "content": "I am at Thea's house and can't get what I want. Someone tells me that Howard has died. I think, \"Oh, so young. Only 44 years old.\" I feel sad and know it will be sadder over the next few days. I go to get my car, which is broken. There are two, a van and a spiffy car. I think, \"I can't use the car because my chair won't fit in.\" The mechanic is busy and tells me he can't fix it yet and gives me a reason. I tell him I need it because Howard died and that is a stronger reason. He doesn't care. I then remember there will be an inheritanc, but I will have to fight for it. I think, \"I'll use the inheritance to get a degree in psychology, another two years of school.\" I sit in a chair like the swim lift chair and want it to go forward, but someone set the brakes and it tries to go forward like a train (chug chug chug chug) and folds over itself and is broken. [BL]" }, { "number": "1031", "head": "08/09/88", "content": "I am knitting, casting on a row. I notice that I was not careful and someone has accidentally unraveled part of the row. It is salvageable, but means I must do the work again. At least it wasn't the whole row." }, { "number": "1032", "head": "08/09/88", "content": "I am in a swimming pool. It is very crowded. We have to do our exercise in unison to make room for us all! There is an older boss and his son, the younger boss. We are talking, about a war, I think, with China. I draw a big black line around the Canadian border and Michigan Lake on a large map. This is where the outline of the war area is. I marvel at the large spaces they expect to rule now that they have won the war. How will they do it?" }, { "number": "1033", "head": "08/10/88", "content": "I am going to do my Evangeline stuff and Lily Tomlin is there. I feel very shy and hide my face. I won't look her in the eye. She comes over to talk and I just giggle and emote. Then when I do Evangeline, she is impressed." }, { "number": "1034", "head": "08/10/88", "content": "Nancy (RA) and I are somewhere and I'm throwing a ball for her dog to run catch. She's upset with me because I don't throw it always to the same place." }, { "number": "1035", "head": "08/??/88", "content": "Dreams about Hector and Juan. A feeling of understanding how the German myths around the Rhine river happened." }, { "number": "1036", "head": "08/12/88", "content": "There is a policeman and he and I are somewhere. We are going to make a report, but I have a handcuff on my left wrist, dangling unattached to anything. I ask him as a favor to take it off me before we go in because I don't want anyone to think I'm the criminal. Later we are going to go stay at a motel, but I decide we will go home instead. He is disappointed. I try to reassure him. He can still sleep with me, but it's not the same." }, { "number": "1037", "head": "08/13/88", "content": "I am in a play. The rehearsal went fine. I'm in a manual chair, up on my knees. I'm wearing a pink straightjacket and must get out of it before I can help the injured woman's shapes lying on the gym floor. I struggle with the jacket, telling myself to relax, I will get out, don't be embarrassed. The other woman goes out and gathers up the shapes as I continue to struggle. I rear back to get the jacket off and fall back in the chair. I get up quickly. The jacket is off. I say to the audience something like, \"It's OK.\"" }, { "number": "1038", "head": "08/14/88", "content": "Kaun's wheelchair is at the President's Corner. The Entertainment Center. Ellie can't remember the names of the streets there. I want her to get oil, but she's not very cooperative. I see children playing, and two soft cuddly dogs sit in the middle of a narrow street. I say, \"They might get run over!\" I go out and pick them up. They are cute and soft. Then I am smoking a cigarette and Steve looks at me surprised and pleased. He's smoking one too and we light each other's cigarette with our eyes meeting intensely. An instructor wants all of us to do our exercises and we aren't very cooperative. Noisy, not attentive. She's tired and annoyed. We have some games in the living room for each of us." }, { "number": "1039", "head": "08/15/88", "content": "Jerome drives. We are leaving T City and going back to work. Jerome is driving; we are a sort of motorcycle gang. He leaves at 10:00 Sunday night to get there at night so we can start work Monday morning. Somehow I get surprised. He had left and come back or something." }, { "number": "1040", "head": "08/16/88", "content": "Howard is leaning back in a wheelchair. He is distant and not helpful. He has come to find out whether the son is doing well sexually. The son isn't doing well, but I don't want to tell Howard because he would be superior or disapproving." }, { "number": "1041", "head": "08/18/88", "content": "I have 15 grown sons and they are worried because they've broken some rule or minor infraction. They're going to run for the hills or do something drastic. I am counseling them to just not make such a big deal about it and fess up. No one will really care. They tell me how they might end up in jail or something horrible." }, { "number": "1042", "head": "08/18/88", "content": "I am walking to work and am wearing my ratty comfortable man's shirt. A boy comes up and says, \"Nice shirt,\" then I realize I'm on my way to work and I should be dressed up better as I am sort of important. I imagine that I've worn a white shirt under the old shirt." }, { "number": "1043", "head": "08/18/88", "content": "I go into Orville's classroom. It's an old, beautiful, wood carved room. A person in a Netherlands's wheelchair is seated with the class who are all A.B. I am in my wheelchair." }, { "number": "1044", "head": "08/19/88", "content": "I am intrigued with a huge mirror on the outside of an already interesting house I've moved into. I comment on how many mirrors there are in this house. I also see a box that has glass all over it (made of glass) and has miniatures inside. I look and like them. They are pretty. I go inside the house and see a girl with three keys. I am concerned, so I ask her how she got in. She smiles and says that Shane gave her a key. I don't believe her and am suspicious that she's going to steal things. I go outside and tell someone so they'll be warned. Now a neighbor comes up to me and we greet each other. One of us asks if we had done our greetings correctly. Something about travel." }, { "number": "1045", "head": "08/20/88", "content": "I have a new roommate and am working out stuff. I decide to take off for awhile. I get on an old motorcycle and take off, find an autobahn and choose an exit to the river. I almost do not go but decide it's OK. I look like Suzanne (the Interpreter.) When I return the next morning, my roommates are concerned and worried. \"Where were you last night?\" I am annoyed they want to know and that someone tells them." }, { "number": "1046", "head": "08/21/88", "content": "We are on a train that isn't on tracks, but we are about to enter a tunnel where there are tracks. We have to find American Converter seat belts. We click them on and go, but there are problems. The train engineer isn't cooperating. Cindy tells me to get their phone numbers from John. I go to John, but he won't give me the numbers. He is in mutiny and we can't get home now. I remember then that I have the numbers and I'm a pack rat and don't ever throw anything out. I find the numbers and hide them. Then we are in a train station and I want to see someone who loves me, so I conjure up Darryl. I don't really see him, but I respond as if he's there. I go over to him and he says, \"You don't have to sit near me.\" I feel hurt and rejected. Even him! Time to go buy gifts and souvenirs. I'm not happy." }, { "number": "1047", "head": "08/23/88", "content": "I see Dean Martin strumming his guitar. I remark on his very broad shoulders. Then I'm in my maroon nightgown and Ellie and I get into my sports car. I'm impressed with the steering. I drive it up a hill. It handles well. Then I go to my cousin's house. I look out a window and see this Tarzan guy (my husband, I think) standing on a high cliff. He's going to drive like Superman into a creek. A woman watches and is horrified when he jumps because she doesn't know his skills and powers. I smile cause I know he's OK." }, { "number": "1048", "head": "08/24/88", "content": "Three different scenes where I misplaced or couldn't find poems or other people's creative writing that I was going to incorporate into a program I was in charge of. I would look for the goodies, but all I would find are underwear, or earrings, or hard case eye glass cases that opened up into purses. It was the bus driver's fault and I had to come into the place I was to make a speech late. The audience was waiting. I explained that some of my speech is missing, but that we can manage." }, { "number": "1049", "head": "08/27/88", "content": "An Indian man who looks like Hector loves to fly. I tease him and say derogatory things about flying. I am with a group of white people. He says, \"Have you flown? You should try it before you put it down.\" I shrug and agree to try it. I get on the plane, which is like a motorcycle. He is behind me with his arms around me to reach the controls. I wonder if it is too hard for him to control the plane from that awkward position. He shows me how to move levers and buttons. (To get to the plane, we had to go through a secret panel, down a ladder into a secret huge room.) I was being stared at by the other Indians because I was the enemy and I might tell where this place is. I look out to sea where we can take off. I see meadow and trees and think, \"Not enough room here.\" I am aware of a wall that looks like a mural of a forest. I am aware that it is a false wall hiding the runway, and yet I am not aware of it. Before we can fly, we gather around to sing. He begins to sing. It is pretty, but ordinary. I say to him, \"Sing it like you mean it. Sing it to someone.\" He looks to me with loving eyes, and sings with warmth, depth and beauty. I look at him and enjoy. After the song he gets up and walks to me and we hug. I feel the fat of his plump face and the scraggly whiskers. He says to me, \"I love you.\" I hesitate. I say, \"I know.\" I want to return the words, but feel constrained. I don't say it. I think, \"Maybe I'll grow into loving him slowly.\" Now I am a member of their side. But before we can fly a mission, I must go back up with the group and appear normal with them. Then I will sneak off to the plane. So I go there and chit chat and he gathers up my stuff. He puts them near the secret door. I go and bow and go to the secret door. I know she suspects and is looking for me. I must hurry. The secret door is the wooden slate table my father made when I was 13. There is a curtain behind it and then the ladder down. The stuff is backed up, too much stuff: Coke, paper cups, sweater, books, etc. I may get caught if it doesn't go down the ladder faster. I poke and try to hide it all. At the last second it goes down and so do I." }, { "number": "1050", "head": "08/29/88", "content": "I am being given a pretty, white Persian kitten for doing some errand or favor. I feel mildly guilty for needing a reward for doing something nice. I realize I have to go collect the kitten. I was only given an example of what she looks like. Some pages I need are missing. I look for them and remember I'd put them in another book. I feel frustrated." }, { "number": "1051", "head": "09/06/88", "content": "I am flying in a cloud tunnel and I see out the opening at the other end. Some flying creature is there and is coming toward me. I think, \"I sure hope it's a good creature!\" I will it to be so even as I avert my eyes for fear it is a horrible, hurtful creature." }, { "number": "1052", "head": "09/06/88", "content": "I am in an alien spaceship. A huge gorilla puts me on its shoulder where I sit (a reversal of a monkey on a person's shoulder) We walk through the space ship." }, { "number": "1053", "head": "09/07/88", "content": "Lucy rubs my ears. A neighbor is upset because we are selling our things on their part of the sidewalk. He says, \"I wouldn't mind so much if it weren't for the nigger.\" I feel very disapproving of his racist attitude and purse my lips, wondering if I should speak up about my disapproval." }, { "number": "1054", "head": "09/07/88", "content": "Lucy comes to me and we are supposed to sell the rest of the leftover hot dogs, but I don't want to encroach on the neighbor again. I feel he has some right to not want us on his property. So Lucy says, \"Shall I rub your ears and brush your hair?\" I say, \"Oh yes. Thanks. I would love that.\" Rochelle stands there and wants us to get to work and not waste time just being pleasurable." }, { "number": "1055", "head": "09/10/88", "content": "I am in a living room and Phyllis G is laying on her back naked on a coffee table. A man is making love to her and I am watching. My man is in the kitchen and will come back presently and we will make love. I feel embarrassed. I see Phyllis's mouth all pouty and sexy and her eyes closed in concentration. Suddenly she flips over on her tummy and this throws the guy off his stride and he can't find where to put his penis. She stands up and says, \"That's the way he and I always did it. But it's OK. Don't worry. I don't want you to think he's the only one I've done it with.\"" }, { "number": "1056", "head": "09/11/88", "content": "I got into a fight with another woman. I was mean and wanted to hurt her. I had to go get something downstairs. I had to slide down a steep gravely path. Bonnie said, \"I'll help you,\" and reached up with her hand to steady me. I then noticed there were stairs and I could do it myself. I got on an elevator and wanted to go to the 3rd floor. I couldn't seem to find the right button. The elevator door wouldn't close, so I could watch the floors go by. I finally asked a woman to find #3. I didn't have my glasses on." }, { "number": "1057", "head": "09/11/88", "content": "Something about crossing a river. And Jake and Aunt Abigail." }, { "number": "1058", "head": "09/13/88", "content": "I am at my son's house (he's black). I play a violin. At first I just play random notes. I realize I am remembering how to play songs and my son is impressed with my skill. Then I go to visit a friend. I am an old black man. My friend and I stand in front of his place, an old hotel. He says, \"Why did you call me out here?\" I said, \"Because I wanted to tell you what happened without anyone else around because I can't tell you without clenching my fists.\" Then I go to a pile of my belongings and choose two small \"windshield\" paintings I'd done to give to his wife as a gift. I notice that I'm a good artist. I'd drawn a picture of some woodland creatures. We go upstairs. I knock open the door. Lots of some family is in there. I introduce my spouse and two sons and apologize for being so many. The wife welcomes us. I see her sewing; she has three sewing machines. Ginny points out some dresses and blouses she made hanging in an open closet. Her stepson picks up something for her. I say, \"I must go catch the bus,\" but first I see a group of people dancing. I stand limping on the sidelines watching. Ginny looks at me compassionately. Skip and Cheryl are dancing. He looks at me, staring at my limp. I glare at him until he drops his eyes. Then I see the bus; it's full. Then I remember I should dye my newsletter green. I try to do it quickly, it only spots some places. I get frustrated. (It isn't going to look good, as usual.) I go catch the bus, putting two important small packages in my pink bag." }, { "number": "1059", "head": "09/14/88", "content": "I am busy organizing things when a cat falls into a river and gets its baby bunting suit wet. I get it out of the water and am preparing to change its clothes. I call out to this guy to fix lunch and tell him what I meant. I turn to shut the door and two small calico kitties are trying to sneak in. I push them back through with my foot and try to slide the door shut. They keep finding ways to poke their heads in. Finally I shut them out and turn to see that the man made a more complicated lunch than I had requested. I am annoyed that he didn't do it like I said and tell him so." }, { "number": "1060", "head": "09/15/88", "content": "I was swimming in a lake and noticed the water level was going down fast. The lake drained out entirely and I saw creepy white crustacean and fish crawling around on the new exposed surface. I thought, \"Ugh. I was swimming around with those ugly things?\" Some were that white that denotes never sees the light of day, like maggots." }, { "number": "1061", "head": "09/15/88", "content": "Then I'm on a couch and I have a little sickly duck that I sit next to the black night watch cat. There are 3 of them, black fuzzy Persians that have sharp, prominent teeth. They eat the duckling and I feel sick that I let that happen. Then I hear voices and slide down on the couch so no one can see me. I see three politicians like Haldeman, dishonest types sneaking out of a house and I listen in to their plans, hoping they don't see me." }, { "number": "1062", "head": "09/17/88", "content": "They won't let me sing my song. I'm a new member of a rock group, playing a guitar. The other members bring in new songs they've written and we do them. Then I shyly say, \"I've written a song.\" The woman member sneers at me and says, \"No. Not now.\" I say, \"It's a good song. It has dynamics and really rocks.\" I was thinking she'd think it was badly written and wimpy. She isn't convinced. Another woman, as I had given up, says to me, \"Let me try to convince her.\" The man singer kind of teases me. I say, \"Hey, yours wasn't all that hot. I heard off-key notes and sometimes you were off beat. You were so noisy, you didn't hear yourself.\" He didn't believe me." }, { "number": "1063", "head": "09/17/88", "content": "I am working for Mobility International. I am working out what day off I get this quarter. The man will take his day off another quarter. I am disabled and don't like it." }, { "number": "1064", "head": "09/17/88", "content": "I go to find Lucy. I knock at her door. One of her children calls, \"Come in.\" I see that most of the furniture is moved out. I ask if Lucy is here. \"She's in the kitchen.\" So I walk to the kitchen and look out the back window and see her grooming her horse. I remember she loved that horse and must be feeling sad to leave it. A phone rings and she tells one of the kids to be sure and answer it. I realize that I will be able to talk to her if she comes in to get the phone. I walk toward the phone in the living room. Lucy comes in,; she is naked. She gets up on the wooden rickety table (the only furniture left) and undoes the lamp fixture in the ceiling. There are lots of cobwebs. She tells the girls to be careful of the strings. I say, \"I know you're busy, but could you tell me, in a nutshell, what made you do this? Just a few months ago, you were not going to have him and now you're gone.\" [BL]" }, { "number": "1065", "head": "09/21/88", "content": "I am being introduced as a performer and the guy is teasing me. He says, \"I know what I'll do. I'll announce your age. I know you are 55 years old.\" I laugh and tease back, \"Then I'll just not respond, so there. If you say, 'So, you are 55 years old', I'll just say, \"Yeah.\" I walk away from him laughing. I then ask who's going to sing the song. The doctor says the name or names. I say, \"Oh, I thought maybe I would. Oh, well.\" Then I go out to find a bathroom." }, { "number": "1066", "head": "09/23/88", "content": "I am on a journey with a group of people. We are walking sort of single file on a woody, narrow trail. I look at one of the people who is standing transfixed, unmoving, at the intense beauty of the mountains, the waters, all that we can see. I am also intensely caught by the beauty of this place. Then we see antelope and polar bear together and sense some danger. They will kill each other for food (at least the bear will.) Our group starts moving back down the trail toward better possible safety. As we are retreating, I hear four beeps go off, the real danger alarm. What timing! I go to find my place to be of help, wondering what the emergency can be. A nun calls my name. I go to her and she tells me of this disabled boy who needs help. I am to help him." }, { "number": "1067", "head": "09/23/88", "content": "I am walking up a curvy road, on the side shoulder where there's gravel and leaves. A man steps wrong and twists his ankle. I go to help him. He tells me he is a writer. I tell him so am I. I have a newsletter for beginning writers. I also tell him I live in N City (on the opposite coast from him) and it is incredibly beautiful there. [BL]" }, { "number": "1068", "head": "09/28/88", "content": "Someone chases my boyfriend. A young woman gives me the name of a man she thinks would be good for me to have as a boyfriend. I try to guess and say, \"Is it Randy?\" She laughs and says, \"Oh! He's too young for you. I hope you are not insulted when you see who I've chosen.\" I feel a little curious and hurt." }, { "number": "1069", "head": "09/29/88", "content": "I am telling a classroom full of people that the fire alarm is ringing and they must vacate the room. They sit and look at me, a few leave, but a bunch in the back just sit there. I keep repeating my message, getting stronger voiced and more sarcastic by the moment. We are locked in a power struggle. I realize this and know that I'm creating it, so I back off after I struggle with the feeling that that is bad for me to lose face. I reflect a casual comment to one person. He gets up to leave and the rest follow. Outside I say to Bonnie, \"I almost blew it there! I created a power struggle.\"" }, { "number": "1070", "head": "10/03/88", "content": "I am escorted to a table at a restaurant by a charming Frenchman. I sit on the table on a cushion. It is a bit uncomfortable. He offers to fluff the pillows. I say, \"Can I fix it so I can just lean back?\" He said, \"No, sorry that won't work.\" He holds a food tray and eloquently, with dramatic flair, pours me a drink which is a mixture of white and red wine. I taste it and pronounce it delicious. I hear Maurice Chevalier singing and am pleased that such a famous singer I had the privilege to hear. He and the Frenchman are sort of the same. The Frenchman kisses me. It is pleasant. He asks me if I want to take a bath (hot tub?) and I agree, realizing that what he really means is we will make love now. We walk into a crowded part of the restaurant. The waiter has a roasted rabbit and the Frenchman (owner of restaurant) says loudly so everyone can hear him, \"I see no one wants our fine rabbit dish. I am not afraid. It is delicious. Serve me some.\" The waiter carves off a roasted leg (looks like chicken leg)." }, { "number": "1071", "head": "10/03/88", "content": "A woman has hurt her foot. I must find a bucket so she can soak her foot. I go looking. I see Shane (hearing-impaired boy). Another woman asks him to help find the bucket. She doesn't realize he can't hear and gets annoyed. I take over and mouth the words carefully and repeat them. \"I need to find a bucket. This is an emergency.\" I see a room where it had been before but it is now a restaurant. We finally find one and I take it to the hurt woman whose two feet are crippled, small and bent. I set up the bucket and she doesn't want to use it because it's painful. I encourage her to stay soaking for at least 15 minutes. It will be beneficial." }, { "number": "1072", "head": "10/04/88", "content": "I am in a house. Each room is small and compact, so I don't have to expend energy moving around. When I sit on my bed, I lean over to the dresser to get my clothes. There are shelves above the dresser. The bathroom is a small room off the bedroom. Then there are a series of small rooms in a row - a laundry room, a garden. Then a woman comes in. I am setting up a VCR to look over our work. A man, two men come in, one is my \"husband.\" They want us to move so they can use the VCR. I get very angry because we were here first. I refuse to leave. The other woman cajoles me to leave. She says it's no big deal to us and would mean so much to them. I disagree and argue all the way out. I point out that the man is being manipulative; he has a room of his own and a working VCR. The man wants his credit cards back and I think about hiding them and keeping them." }, { "number": "1073", "head": "10/07/88", "content": "I am very upset with my \"husband.\" He's in a room with \"the guys\" and ignoring me. I go into the room to give him some 6-packs of beer which he doesn't need as he has plenty on the counter. He doesn't even acknowledge me and I have to lie on the counter and force myself through a mail slot in the door to get out! Very uncomfortable. Then I see a newborn baby and I pick it up, walk down a long flight of stairs into a pool of water (swimming pool) and bathe the baby, total immersion. The baby is good at holding its breath. Then I'm hopping across a blue, yucky slough. I say, \"Here's the slough,\" and I hop over it. I look, thinking it would not be pleasant if I slipped and fell in. After I cross both channels of the slough, someone and I lie on a raft/boat and go upstream in a wide and busy water channel. Someone asks if I hated crossing the slough and I say, \"Yes, but when I was younger it was fine.\" I liked the slough then because it was alive and not polluted and it moved slowly. I looked behind me to see speeding boats approaching. I then say, \"I've left my husband.\" The man says hopefully, \"You've left him!\" He wants me to connect with him." }, { "number": "1074", "head": "10/10/88", "content": "I am looking for my purse. So is Merle. I find it. I'm going upstairs to have lunch. I am run over and lay on the ground. A doctor comes over and says, \"Don't move,\" and sticks pins in me. I realize I don't feel them. I say, \"Oh no! Don't tell me it's my spine.\" He says, \"Maybe not. Sometimes things are numb for a while.\" The man that ran over me comes to the emergency room as I'm being wheeled in on a stretcher. He says, \"I was drunk.\" I am furious and scream at him that he ought to be hung up by his balls upside down for 100 years. That would teach him a lesson. I am livid. His father says, \"We'll talk about this when you calm down.\" I then have to walk slowly up some difficult stairs to the emergency room. They see me and come running to help me up the last stair. A black woman is there and the nurse jokes about her color being a permanent tan. The black woman says someday people won't be afraid and will treat me normally. [BL]" }, { "number": "1075", "head": "10/11/88", "content": "Jack Nicholson and I are attracted to each other. He and I hold hands and another woman sees it and goes, \"Ah ha! Look here!\" He says, \"I hunger after her. We have to be touching all the time. I can't be away from her.\" Then the woman explains several volunteer jobs at the fair I could do. I choose to do the woman of color one where I give pieces of pie and make up hints to women. As we leave to go to my table, we notice the guy is laying down for a nap and not following me. I wonder if it's OK to leave Ellie, but decide she'll be OK. I say, \"We'll leave without him, he'll catch up.\" I pretend I don't care. I go to the table and replace a dark-skinned Egyptian woman. I hear some man say, \"Here's our Indian.\" They want me to change money, but won't let me put up a sign letting people know this will cost money. I object. They insist. I don't want them to feel cheated, thinking it was for free and then getting charged." }, { "number": "1076", "head": "10/12/88", "content": "I live in a rural town, sort of old west. Townsmen come to destroy my family. I escape out the back door and crawl under the porch, hoping they'll think I ran fast and chase after me off into the woods. I am worried that I made the wrong decision. A man searches around the porch area. I wasn't so smart, but I am covered up and he doesn't find me. After they leave, I decide I will masquerade as a boy to be safe, then no one will rape me or hurt me. I move to another town and get a job at a newspaper as an apprentice. I hero-worship the editor, who at first is like Clark Gable and then is an older man. I cook for him also. I grow up and am walking home to my remote cabin when a teen girl from school comes up to me and says there's something girlish about me. I think about becoming a girl again. The editor offers me a job, but it's in the town where I had left. I am afraid but go there." }, { "number": "1077", "head": "10/16/88", "content": "I am getting info at a sort of book store about a birds meeting which was canceled but I didn't know it. I was surprised I was the last to know. Merle is there and I get on his lap and he drives around. We are dancing to a beautiful waltz. I am graceful. It is warm and touchy. Then I see my father. I get in his lap and he hugs and kisses me and strokes my hair. I feel a little uncomfortable at first, but relax and enjoy the love." }, { "number": "1078", "head": "10/20/88", "content": "Money questions, how silly. I work for the Forest Service and am in a bed on a high platform. As I try to get up, I realize that there is a huge drop off if I take that first step and I could fall down for miles into the trees. I try to place my foot carefully, but then notice if I get out on the other side of the bed, the platform floor is there and it is safe. So I hop over to the safe side and get out. The new recruits are here and are asking a lot of questions about money. I laugh at their myopic concern about money when it isn't even the issue and someone says or I think \"You did that too when you first started.\" Then I go get some clothes that are in a pile. I take off my nylons and a garter belt and start to put on a dress. I exclaim, \"Yes! I am a woman,\" like I'd somehow forgotten that. I put on some ugly, conservative pants (polyester) and rethink if I want to wear that." }, { "number": "1079", "head": "10/25/88", "content": "I'm going up to the S Beach Hotel without a reservation, hoping a room is open for me. The cat (Pablito) is in the car. I'm in the passenger side. I go in and open a door. Someone, a bald man, is already in there. I apologize and try another room. An elderly couple is in there. I realize I'll probably be put in the dorm room as the conference starts Sat. night. So I at least will have a room but I am disappointed. [BL]" }, { "number": "1080", "head": "10/25/88", "content": "Someone says, \"At least when you go to the symphony you can sit on green chairs, but you have to eat pancakes\"" }, { "number": "1081", "head": "10/25/88", "content": "My mother and I are talking on the phone. Mid-sentence she stops talking. I am concerned because I keep calling to her, \"Mom, Mom, Mom.\" She doesn't respond. I wonder if she's ill or in trouble. I think of hanging up and calling back, but am afraid to let go of the connection. I watch the clock. It's 5 of 10 and I think I'll wait for 5 minutes and then call the police or Lydia to go check on her. Arvonne comes in and talks." }, { "number": "1082", "head": "10/25/88", "content": "I'm a passenger on a bus and see what looks like a school bus with one headlight. Our vehicle flashes lights at it and stops. I look again and see it's a train. I tell the driver we don't have to stop for a train. He disagrees and says that we do. I apologize. [BL]" }, { "number": "1083", "head": "10/25/88", "content": "Paulina is upset. I want to hold her. She resists and I say, \"I want to hold you because I need it.\" She says impatiently, \"OK, but let me turn around,\" and so turns her back on me to be able to cuddle spoon-like. I put my arms around her, being careful not to touch her breasts. I accidentally brush them. I hug her and rock her to soothe her. I like our position because I'm not face to face with her emotion. I see her/my face reflected in a window." }, { "number": "1084", "head": "10/29/88", "content": "I am taking the wet clothes off a baby. She is lying on a bed and is a mess. I look for a clean shirt and find several. I choose one that's lacy and pretty, but hard to get on her. We struggle getting her hand in the arm and finally succeed. Then I take off her messy diaper and clean her up. She shits when I don't have a diaper on her. I clean that up, shuddering. Now my mother says, \"Give the baby to me and you count all this money on my bed.\" I see piles and piles of coins (change). Most of them are foreign currency. What a tiring task. I say, \"I'd rather hold the baby. I haven't had a chance to.\" She says, \"Later, you can do it later.\" I sigh and start working on the money. Then I'm helping a woman pack. There are lots of snap shots laid out on the bed, some of Willie, some of her lover. I am concerned that her husband will come in and find out! I try to gather them up. Then I must hurry and I choose the shoes to pack, discarding several \"Baby Jane\" shoes for little girls. [BL]" }, { "number": "1085", "head": "10/30/88", "content": "I am with a woman and we go up a flight of stairs. It is hard. I wonder why I keep trying to do it. We are in a hotel where there are no walls between rooms. The placement of the furniture tells you where a room is. There is communal dining, and a back stairs for the more privileged, richer guests. I see Chuck. He ignores me, won't look at me or talk to me. He's angry. I say to him, \"Isn't it OK that I want to quit work?\" He says, \"No!\" He doesn't approve. He has Carona disease and he didn't stop work. I say, \"Isn't arthritis worse than that?\" He says no. I feel upset." }, { "number": "1086", "head": "10/30/88", "content": "My breasts are huge, fleshy and lumpy." }, { "number": "1087", "head": "10/30/88", "content": "I tell Howard (who is the boss) I want to stop work. He jeers at me. He says, \"Go ahead, but it won't work the way you planned. They won't permit you to come back part time.\" He's uppity and cold. I rush past his secretary to get into his office and I throw my resignation letter at him. It lands on the floor." }, { "number": "1088", "head": "11/02/88", "content": "I'm in a group of people, and I am explaining to them how disabled people don't like it when people rush up to open the door for them. I see lots of the people raise their hands to add comments and I say, \"Yeah, I know what you're going to say. You are just being courteous and would do it for anyone, not just the disabled. But I'm talking about beyond normal enthusiasm.\" I decide I need to go to the bathroom. I ask the way. I go down a long hall, in a sports department or a gymnasium at a college. A man shows me the way. I'm walking and wonder if I'll have enough energy. He opens a door and I see a basketball game in progress. The man points to across the room. We walk right through the middle of the game and get to the other side. We go down a dark dingy hall to the women's room. I go in. It's a huge room with one toilet. I sit. A woman came in and I wondered where she came from. I see a stairway up to the \"real\" bathroom." }, { "number": "1089", "head": "11/07/88", "content": "I am married to some rich guy. We have a huge house, lots of rooms. All the rooms have lots of dirty dishes. I am gathering up the dishes and taking them to the kitchen, feeling overwhelmed with so much. I get a phone call. A woman asks me if I'll have typing work for her soon as she needs the money. She can work because Susan doesn't need her now. I think it is Judy and I say, \"Sure, I'll have some work for you next week,\" but I'm really not sure if I will or what I'm doing with my work. I hang up and then I see Judy and realize I don't know the name of the person I was talking to. I remember then it was probably Dovre R. I then go up very broad carpeted stairs to see the second floor. It's a hotel. I see room after room. Women are in the rooms. One is named Emily. Some of the women are beautifully carved statues in rose or teak wood. They are lying or sitting in their beds. I go to the 3rd floor. There is a conference room. A blind woman sits talking to herself. I do not respond to her and move on. I see a door made of glass and wonder where it goes. I open it and test the floor. It opened into a small square closet-sized room. The floor is a trap door and opens to create a chute down to the auto bay where my husband works on his racing cars. I think, \"I might have known.\" Another woman fell into the chute and lands in the auto bay, so we've been found out. I realize the chute is illegal, another bad thing my husband does. I hope he gets caught so we can sell the house, but a small cottage where there are fewer dishes to do and maybe I can write." }, { "number": "1090", "head": "11/08/88", "content": "I am at the beach. I sit on a rock, which is unstable and \"rocky.\" The tide is coming in. I try to push the rock further into the sand for stability. I get up because it's not working and run/walk for the van because the waves are getting me wet. A man says, \"The community college has a piece of the ocean.\" I say, \"Oh yeah? Well, maybe at Florence.\" I go to the van. Ginny is in the driver's seat, so I start to get in the passenger side. She slides over to the passenger side so I hesitate and then get in the driver's side. I see lots of toys and candy and fun stuff hanging decoratively inside the van. I think it's cute." }, { "number": "1091", "head": "11/08/88", "content": "I'm at a grocery store hoping to meet a nice man I can be in relationship with. This short but good-looking guy comes up and kisses me. I say, \"Hey, who are you? Don't do that.\" I walk away from him. He follows. I see Merle in a shopping cart. I tell him, \"This boy came up and kissed me.\" Merle is a little jealous. I go back into the store looking for a guy. As I'm ready to leave, I find Raul and another guy. We walk out with Merle and Ginny and some others. I say to Raul, \"Don't be like you were before; be natural and real.\" He agrees. Someone says, \"To whose couch do we go?\" I offer my house. We go to a campground. Raul says he's read about Emily Dickinson. I say, \"Yeah, me too. She's into natural drugs.\" Some people take the campsite we were headed for. We get into a van and drive up a freeway exit the wrong way and cut across wooded area to park next to the original campsite. Ginny has money in her hand. I say, \"There isn't any wood for the fire,\" and then I see some split logs and sticks. [BL]" }, { "number": "1092", "head": "11/09/88", "content": "I am holding a newborn baby. Someone asks if she's eating, as her face is lying on my breast. I say, \"No, she's sleeping.\" I hold her gently and lovingly. I lay her down on the couch. I wonder if she's safe there and decide she is, if she doesn't wake up and wiggle around." }, { "number": "1093", "head": "11/09/88", "content": "Bonnie is upset. She has a Japanese \"niece\" that lives with her and a Japanese man is moving her things out. I suspect that he is lying to us and really is taking the niece away and won't return. Bonnie is crying and saying, \"I need my niece to help me. Please don't take her away.\" I say, \"I knew when he first came here he intended to take her away.\" I go to the living room. I see Uncle Wilbur lazing on the couch. He wears a Hawaiian shirt." }, { "number": "1094", "head": "11/09/88", "content": "Arthur and I are in a room with other people. A woman is giving him a massage. He looks over at me and smiles warmly. He says the massage is good, but he remembers better ones, meaning mine from the past. Later, I am sleeping and he comes over and kisses me gently on the face. I pretend to be asleep. He knows I'm pretending. I murmur gently because it feels nice. Someone comes in and says, \"Look at that plane!\" I go to the door and see white powdery stuff coming out of the sky. Nuclear radiation. I stay under the porch roof. A man comes in; his face is covered with this stuff. We are concerned. He comes in and we help him wash it off. We hope he doesn't die from it." }, { "number": "1095", "head": "11/09/88", "content": "Bonnie and I are homeless. We have learned though. We have long johns and mittens, ear muffs, etc. I think, \"Being without a home is better and safer because it's real. When we thought we had a home, we didn't protect from the cold because we believed we should be warm, even though there was no heat in the house. We walk upstairs and a stair, path through the woods. There are patches of snow and particles of dry wooden path. I am glad to see the dry patches, some places to sleep when we get tired." }, { "number": "1096", "head": "11/10/88", "content": "I go to visit someone for a while. The woman asks me if I think the style of her house is Western. I walk around looking at the outside of her house. At first I say, \"Yes,\" but then I reconsider. I say, \"No, a western style house would be more open. It would have large windows and clean, simple lines.\" At the back of her house I see flagstone siding and a small square enclosed porch with a high peaked roof. She says, \"I never even use this space.\" I say, \"I think your house is more Cape Cod.\" I then decide I want to take the day off to go home and relax, and to go swimming in the pool. I try to gather up my belongings and the people I came with. I can't seem to carry all my belongings, a basket of dirty laundry, some books and papers. The woman tries to help me. I call to Ellie who is up high on the tower roof of the nextdoor castle. She's starting to climb down the outside wall like repelling down a mountain. I am concerned for her. I think, \"That sure is like Ellie, taking risks!\" Dwight comes down and gets ahead of her so in case she falls, she'll land on him. She takes the last jump and does land on him. He is hurt. His foot might be broken. I go to them, concerned, and check out his foot. Now, we're on an airplane to go home. It's time to board and I'm still juggling all my stuff. She says, \"It's time,\" and I say, \"Well, I'm not on board yet.\" She says, \"We have all the PhDs. Are you the one with three masters?\" I say, \"I only have one master.\" She reluctantly lets me on board." }, { "number": "1097", "head": "11/15/88", "content": "An oval metal elevator. We have to slide in like getting into a car through the window. It's crowded, with Tyler and me and lots of others. It tips and starts to malfunction. I feel scared. It is dark. I pray we make it to the floor level. We do, just barely. We get out and go to get lunch (or breakfast). I sit at a table. Chuck complains. I say, \"How predictable you are, Chuck.\" A waitress comes up to take my order. I say, \"This is new,\" and order deviled eggs and other things." }, { "number": "1098", "head": "11/15/88", "content": "Terence comes over to me and laughs because I didn't notice the tattoo on his nose and chest. I then see it. It is quite ornate and moves even, telling some story. He kisses me and wants to make love. I say, \"Not now or here. Someone will come by.\" He frowns. I say, \"You've got your 12-year-old face on.\" Some people do come by. He moves away from me. We go to the basement to find the spirits. I see lots of animal statues sitting in the sand. Some move. A statue of a man on a horse (very primitive) rides by. A blue sheep moves around. I send out psychic vibes to call all that think like me. I get a few philosophers interested." }, { "number": "1099", "head": "11/15/88", "content": "I go to see my brother Dwight's bedroom. It is his special place. There are lots of books about plants. His room is next to mine and a partition wall is between the rooms. Over the partition you can see shelves of bright, pretty books. I think, \"So that's how he sees my room. It's an interesting perspective.\" I think it looks nice and he enjoys seeing them (the books). I am glad I can share this for him." }, { "number": "1100", "head": "11/16/88", "content": "An older man seems interested in me. We are on a cruise boat. I am flattered, but at the end of the ride I go away, not opening up to an opportunity to meet him again. I see some burros. A small, cute one is feisty and kicks his heels up just like real burros. I comment on how cute he is. Someone says, \"Uh oh! You'll take it home!\" I say, \"Oh no. Not me.\" Then I notice it has some blood on its back. I feel concern. Next, I am walking back home with the burro as a cane. I comment that it is just the right height. I am concerned that when I get home, my parent will be upset and not accept the burro. Then I see Kirk Douglas who is upset at his son because the son had done some spectacular things and then just quit! He (the father) is going to have a talk with him and see if he can convince the son to get back on track. Now I see a small girl who had spent hours straightening up the nursery toys, lining them up and labeling them. She is very proud of her hard work and is waiting in excited anticipation for her parents to come and see and be proud of her. The burro is also waiting, hoping to be accepted. I feel sorry for them because Kirk Douglas is going to blast in there, with his single-minded energy aimed at the older son. The little girl and the burro are going to be ignored." }, { "number": "1101", "head": "11/16/88", "content": "I'm on a cruise boat. Jet planes streak by, the captain waving to look like he's personally waving at us, but it's just an act to look good. I am disgusted with them. They are really just mechanical, distant air heads." }, { "number": "1102", "head": "11/17/88", "content": "I'm going to teach a lecture on forest fires to a 3rd (4th is crossed out) grade class. I am practicing the lecture with their teacher. I am apologizing that I don't have much content information. I go to the library to find an encyclopedia to get more information. I'm going to show maps and talk about how the fires burn off all the old tangled growth that leaves room for new growth. Then, as we are going to the classroom, the thing shifts and we are now going to a cafe, De Frisco's, to reminisce on the Germany Trip with 3 or 4 other women. We sit around a table. I suggest another member of the Germany group show her pictures. But just before she starts, I pull mine out and start with the Palace of Versailles. I find as I start talking, I have lots to say and it is interesting to the others. Then we decide to play baseball. I hit a ball and run for first base and was nearly \"put out.\" The base was real close. Then I show someone a lovely wooden panel I was allowed to bring back from Paris. It fit on top of a piano we had here. Then we had to move a table that had pretty things on it back to make more room for second base. The table leg slipped and some things fell. We decided we'd meet again to finish our talks as we'd already been there 4 hours. I wrote the names of the ones who will speak and in what order. I consulted with Rena who said she would do her talk if she'd had enough to drink. [BL]" }, { "number": "1103", "head": "11/18/88", "content": "Bonnie and I are offered a job. We take it, thinking, \"This will be a cinch!\" As we walk toward the lake with our male guide, I start to feel uneasy and unsafe. I am on a wooden sidewalk and as I get close to the lake I see a huge and horrible monster like a giant squid thing in the lake. I realize this man guide is not going to be able to keep me safe and I can't back out of the job. I am very afraid and try to hide behind a door. The monster comes out of the lake and now is a very tall and huge man. He comes to collect and eat the women who have been hired to dance and entice him out of the lake. Even though another woman is dancing, he sees me behind the door and comes after me. I run and find a town. I become a dancer on stage. I realize it is time to go back to the monster. I start to go back, but decide I can't do it and go hide. I am going home, but I'm peeking through the door cautiously for fear the monster is there. I think I smell him, but it is Grandpa Lloyd. Then a door opens to the dining room and I see my parents. I think, \"Oh no, not them. I'm not ready to meet them yet.\"" }, { "number": "1104", "head": "11/19/88", "content": "My cat has swirls of hot pink fur, especially on her chest. She lays on me in despair, talking of suicide. We are on a playing field on the inside of a running track. Some people are playing ball and the ball keeps falling near us. We ignore them but wonder if they are annoyed with us. Then I see a group of fat, some disabled women, doing exercises all in a row. Then I see my cat riding on the back of a strange broad-backed horse around the track, running somewhat difficultly and catching up to a group of track runners." }, { "number": "1105", "head": "11/19/88", "content": "A teacher has two students who are laying down on her left. The teacher is addressing an audience of parents who are in a semi- circle around her. I am in the audience on her right. She tells the parents she wants their permission to interpret the students and the parents would accept what they say. The parents feel uncomfortable and say no. The teacher looks perplexed. I suggest that I could help the teacher understand if I could interpret what the parents were trying to say. Then I see a huge mechanical alien thing looking in the window. It sucked our consciousness out of our bodies and put each of us in a metal oval container to take us all to their world. I escape my container and dart around invisible, keeping all of my molecules together so I didn't vaporize all over the place. I follow the mechanical alien as it goes to talk to its followers. Then a human-like male, the real King, enters and takes over. He's very good-looking and I'm interested in him (attracted to him?). I come up close to his head to observe and feel him. He is very self-centered. He and his father talk about the missing human consciousness and aren't overly concerned. The father is concerned about the unfeeling, self-centered son. The man goes to take a bath and gets an erection. He laughs, calls to his guard to send him in Angela (the next woman). She comes in and they make love. I am excited by it all and try to enter his head to hear what he thinks." }, { "number": "1106", "head": "11/19/88", "content": "I walk past a man and drop eye contact. As I enter my room, I realize he could be a nice guy and I never gave him a chance. So I go back and smile. He comes in and hugs me. Then we look around the room. There are lots of snapshots put together like an art collage on the walls. He says I'm very good at my art. (I say, \"Oh, I like to use repetition of pictures to make a point and some things just happened intuitively, not planned.\") He points to one where the kids look like they are sliding down a waterfall. There are also lots of clothes piled up in the sink. I start sorting them. The baby things I put in a pile to save for the next grandchild. I hang up the blouses in an already crowded closet. I see an apple pie and think, \"Oh good, but I'd better eat it.\" I see some chocolate chip cake stuff in the sink and feel a little annoyed that Arvonne has these goodies (with sugar) and I can't and she's wasting food." }, { "number": "1107", "head": "11/20/88", "content": "I dreamed I was getting information about the killer grandfather." }, { "number": "1108", "head": "11/20/88", "content": "Two figures buried up to their necks in sand. They are withered from exhaustion. Blue glow light comes from their eyes." }, { "number": "1109", "head": "11/22/88", "content": "The house is a mess. I am walking down the road and someone comes by me and says I left the house unlocked and keeps on going. I am angry, cause either I leave it open to intruders or I trudge back up the hill and go lock it myself. I go back. Some people are there and I am annoyed with them. I go off alone to watch a movie or something." }, { "number": "1110", "head": "11/22/88", "content": "I am watching a performance by a bright and spangly-dressed performer. I get bored and decide to leave. I go out in the lobby area. A mentally retarded man asks where's the lady with the magic that turns the lights on for him? I say, \"She's still performing. You'll have to wait.\" I push him away as he's trying to hug me. I go out to look for the car. Someone parked it far away. It looks like Dovre's car. I get in, the passenger side. I can't get the safety belt to work. We can't go until it does work. I am frustrated. Some one from the back seat tries it. I get sarcastic. Finally, it works and we can go home." }, { "number": "1111", "head": "11/23/88", "content": "I am at a party. I think it's a birthday party for a baby but it is for this guy. I go to sit at a table. When I sit, my chair is in the outside wall of their apartment and the other chairs at the table and the table is on the inside of the wall. I sit and pull the wall over me so I'm on the inside too. The wall must be of a stretch material with a hole in it. The irony is that when I pull myself through the wall, the birthday boy gets his head caught in a similar stretch hole. I think it looks strange. We start to eat breakfast. He asks me questions and it becomes evident he doesn't know how to run a self-publishing business. I ask him if he keeps records or receipts. He looks confused. I set out to help him set up his business better." }, { "number": "1112", "head": "11/24/88", "content": "I had bought some gifts for the girls and was dividing them up. They are on the couch in a pile. I can't find the rainbow gift I got for one of the girls. I see Indian beaded belts and things (red beads. The kids are playing and I go out to the sidewalk. A man (Howard) mouths to me, \"What do you want to do?\" I mouth back, \"Let's go someplace alone.\" He smiles and goes into the house to get ready. One of the children is playing in a red parked car and I get in the car to play with her, but then she drives us away. I am surprised and say, \"Where are we going?\" She says, \"To this other place across town.\" I get angry and say, \"No. I want to go back. We were going to be alone.\" She just keeps driving. We stop at a store and I go in. She says, \"Come on, let's go. I say, \"No. I'm staying here. I'll find a phone and call him. He'll come and get me.\" She shrugs and leaves. I feel very brave because I could get stranded here. I ask if I can use the phone. A little old lady says yes. I can't find the phone number. I look and look. I ask her to help me. She can't find it either. The name is Ted Wright. I see advertisements for the Disabled Students Union in the phone book." }, { "number": "1113", "head": "11/24/88", "content": "I am in Grandma Agnes's house. A woman comes to the door and wants to sell me something. I refuse clearly and repeatedly. She is persistent and so am I. It is a cookie or cake thing in the shape of a bird." }, { "number": "1114", "head": "11/25/88", "content": "I am working for this very good-looking guy. The office is a mess. Piles of things are on the desk. I am trying to straighten it out and can't figure out where to put things. I pick up a poster and hang it on the wall. My boss stands close to me and as he is talking, I am aware of how attracted I am to him. I wonder how I can get his attention so he'll like me and find me attractive. He says, \"That's a poster of Tony and someone is coming to the office that doesn't like Tony.\" I say, \"Uh oh! Guess it was a mistake to put the poster up.\" He and I walk down some stairs. We start to walk through a cafe, but it is closed. Then we walk through the college bookstore to find the rest of the stairs. We continue our walk. We are now more like a couple. He wants some sunglasses and sees some on the side of the path. He chooses one that belonged to the S children. Somehow that was OK because the glasses came from descendants of Darryl." }, { "number": "1115", "head": "11/25/88", "content": "I am in a house and it is crowded with lots of things and furniture. A small bird and a large blow fly come rushing in. I think it's a bee but someone reassures me it's a fly. There is a mask in a basket with a lid. I give it to a small boy and he takes it outside and dumps the old, musty, moldy mask. I feel relief. Suddenly the house is nearly empty. Lots of space. Only a stove moved in from a rental (our original old stove) and a table are left and I like it this way. The boy brings back the empty basket and I almost accept it back, but change my mind and give him the basket. I don't want it because it carries the odor and feel of the mask. I am outside. Two guys are up a telephone pole fixing the lines. They are hanging up there in a way that seems impossible, but they seem comfortable. One is there to \"spot\" the other guy in case he gets in trouble. They finish and come down the ladder and efficiently pack up their equipment. It was very graceful; each knew how to do each task and they just did whatever was closest at hand. I ride my wheelchair around their truck watching them and then I go to my front door and park the chair and walk in. [BL]" }, { "number": "1116", "head": "11/26/88", "content": "I am at a table. I pour sugar-frosted shredded wheat things into a bowl. I pick up a cup with a drop or two of tea in it. Dwight says, \"I'll get you some more tea.\" I say, \"Thanks.\" Paulina is on my right. He gives me back the cup and I see that there is barely enough tea to cover the bottom of the cup. I feel robbed and say, \"There isn't very much to eat here.\" My mother says, \"Don't be silly. Let me see.\" I hand her the cup, which is now a huge glass bowl. As I hand it to her I feel a little embarrassed because I realize it is the size of the bowl that makes it seem I haven't enough tea. I drink the tea and realize I've picked up the wrong container and I had started to sip from a bag of coffee beans. I spit it out and wonder if all this sugar and coffee will hurt me. I then drink my herbal tea." }, { "number": "1117", "head": "11/26/88", "content": "I am packing to go home. My mother and Paulina are helping. I am surprised there is so much stuff. I didn't come with this much. They had packed two empty suitcases in one of my boxes. I say, \"We can take those out.\" My mother disagrees. She says, \"I'll need them when I go to the bank.\" I say, \"No, I won't.\" I feel angry. Then I see a box with all the family violins in it. I can't play my own, much less theirs. I take them anyway. Then they take a video picture of me playing a violin. It is pretty. My small daughter has a baby violin and is trying to learn to play. She breaks a string and it sounds terrible. I am glad they made this video for me. Then I go around, checking if we'd left anything behind. I see lots of papers I don't need and the hot pink sexy dress Lydia gave me. I think, \"Well, it'll be here if I need it.\" We leave." }, { "number": "1118", "head": "11/27/88", "content": "It is raining very hard and I decide to drive to L.C.C. The traffic on the freeway is very heavy and I almost do get let into the line of traffic. The road has dangerous broken places that are not marked and hard to see. I think, \"How foolish to be out here at all,\" but there I am. I am now driving up hill and I see the river. I suddenly realize there are waves coming, flooding. I am now on top of the hill in a hotel. I see several waves and ten I see a tidal wave crashing over the river. The water comes clear up to the lawn of my hotel! I am surprised and think, \"I may still be in danger up here.\" I go to look out the windows. Then I go to the living room. There are two small children wanting to play with the books and toys. I take away a toy I think is dangerous and offer them cars and books." }, { "number": "1119", "head": "11/27/88", "content": "After work we are driving to where we will stay. It turns out we are going home to N City rather than stay over in the city for the night. We are driving backwards down a curvy hill. I am in the back. I say, \"Lookout!\" I see our back wheel has gone over the edge and we are teetering. I feel scared and in danger. I realize I can get out of the car. I crawl out of the top, which is on its side. The car doesn't fall, but I see the tracks and realize how close to danger I was!" }, { "number": "1120", "head": "11/28/88", "content": "My taxi driver takes off his clothes and dives into his own river. He is happy and relieved to be in his own river and not mine. His river has forked off mine. He calls his river \"Pegasus.\" He floats along in oblivion. His nose hinges up so he can lay face down and still breathe. He's not watching where he's going and I see he's headed into a slough with lots of brown foam on it. I pull him out and save his life. He is appreciative." }, { "number": "1121", "head": "11/28/88", "content": "I am driving a sort of golf cart thing. A man and woman in the back are sort of hugging, but the woman needs to leave the man because his hugs are so strong, they are physically damaging and dangerous. She runs for my cart and I start up the engine, hoping we can escape the man. I am afraid. She gets in and we drive away. I say, \"Which way?\" and she says, \"C City.\" I say, \"Good. That's the direction I'm going.\" We come to a river and I nearly drive the cart right in. I hit the brakes and teeter on the edge of the road. The bridge man says, \"You could go over the top freeway.\" I say, \"It's longer that way. I'll just go across. It won't take as long.\" Then I say, \"It sure will be cold\" and I imagine the cold, dark green water. I grab the boat, which is more like a Frisbee now, and we go across as fast as we can. We only get a little wet and I think, \"There, that wasn't so bad.\" Some one asks how close Dalles is to C City. I say, \"Not far.\"" }, { "number": "1122", "head": "11/28/88", "content": "I am teaching a workshop. A cute man is interested in me. I finish one section and during the break I go up to the 4th floor on the elevator. He comes with me. I am standing on a bed reaching up to a shelf to get my things. He is sleeping on the bed. He wakes up and is delighted to see me there. He smiles and hugs my legs trying to pull me to him. I am attracted and we tease. I push the button for the elevator. It comes. It is small, tall, and narrow. We get in and I say, \"This is like being in a coffin.\" We get to the basement where I'm to teach the next seminar. Lots of people are there. I want to find a bathroom. All there is, is a toilet with no door and a see-through curtain. I call a group of women over to stand around me, holding up articles of clothing. They laugh and joke. After I am through, a woman comes up and hands me a dime. I had just dropped some pennies and was glad to get rid of them because I had no pocket. She's buying 10 pingpong balls to play a game. Then I see a cabinet with a tiny black and white TV set in it like an old 1940's set. I comment on it." }, { "number": "1123", "head": "11/29/88", "content": "I come to a Halloween party dressed as Marilyn Monroe in my hot pink dress, wig and mask. A man is waiting impatiently for me to arrive. I slink into the room, very sexy. He looks, but then glances at the back door and says, \"Where's B?\" He didn't recognize me. I feel pleased that I'm hearing him pine for me. Then he points out the window. There is a river out there and a tree. A branch has been carved to look like a horse's head with the branch continuing out of its mouth. (You have a drawing here.) It drops a black package into the river. The man wants the thing, and without thinking I dive into the river and get the package. The woman thinks I'm brave. I get out of the river and go to a room to dry off and fix myself up, only I'm not very wet which is surprising. Now I'm doing some dishes with my daughter (Paulina). I get a steel wool coil caught in my fingernail. We work at removing it. Then I'm lying on a couch and my \"favorite\" baby is laying on my tummy and we are talking." }, { "number": "1124", "head": "11/30/88", "content": "Jake visits and brings me a birthday present for Fluffy. It is a fake fur blanket with her paw prints cut out of the fur, four of them in a row, and some applique things on it. Valerie had knitted some lacy edging. It was a nice light brown color. I find it hanging up on my door as I come into my room. Then Jake and I and some guy are going to take a big heavy machine to T City. We try to load it into the back of our red vehicle. It's too long. We think this is too hard and then suddenly the solution comes to me. Just fold it up upon itself and there will be room. It fits easily." }, { "number": "1125", "head": "12/01/88", "content": "I am at a beach looking out across the sand toward the ocean. I see a family, a woman seated in a beach chair with her children playing near her. The older child (like Dovre) notices the water bottle is empty and takes it to fill it with more drinking water. After she leaves, the woman has a seizure and stands up looking for her water bottle. She can't find it and needs to drink water to ease the seizure. She is very angry at the children. She calls them stupid and worthless. She comes up near me and sits by me, telling her small child he is worthless. The child winces and I feel empathy and sadness for the child. I tell the woman, \"This isn't right.\" I lecture her on how the child will hear her words and try to live up to them. \"So you should tell your child positive things.\" Dovre returns with a full bottle of water and some food. Everyone eats. The woman had been angry at me at first but was now agreeing with me. I decide I'm hungry and the food is gone, so I ask where she got the food. \"The little store, but they haven't much of a selection,\" she answers. So I go into the little store. Bakery goods or packaged snack junk food - cookies, cakes, corn chips, pretzels, etc. I notice then a door, and through the door I see a small town's main street. I edge near the door peering, thinking maybe there's a restaurant or another store with more nutritious food, but decide it's too much work. I decide to find something in here. There is a shelf of little old-fashioned TVs. The owners are looking at me suspiciously like I might grab something and run through the door. I get some stuff and go back to the family. Now \"I\" am a woman waiting at the table and a drunk young man returns with the food. There is a bowl of good fresh milk on the table. He (\"I\") drink some with a ladle. It tastes very good and refreshing. He feels thirsty. I now watch him try to talk. He is drunk or acting drunk. He has a card in his mouth to help him talk slurred. He then stands and tells the group that he loves me and he kisses me tenderly on my cheek. I think, of course, he's so affectionate, he's drunk, but I'm touched. I then see an outline of a theory written like on a blackboard. A ........... I say, \"If someone is loved at A and their parents had given them a good message, then when it's over, they, after mourning, can move into B and feel love again.\" Judith is lecturing about the importance of parental positive conditioning." }, { "number": "1126", "head": "12/01/88", "content": "One detail I left out of my dream last night I didn't even write in my dream journal, it seemed so silly and I couldn't see that it meant anything. It was a blue advertisement card with white lettering on it, and it was in a drunk man's mouth as he told me he loved me. So as I was eating breakfast, I was thinking about that card and describing it in my mind, \"Blue with white lettering\" and I look up to the fruit baskets hanging above the toaster and see a blue card with white lettering. I read the words. They are: \"Nobody takes care of you better than you.\" \"Ha!\" says I, startled. The cosmos does it again. What an interesting series of internal events to get me to notice what is in front of my face every morning!" }, { "number": "1127", "head": "12/02/88", "content": "I am angry at Ellie. I yell, \"Shut up!\" and feel good that I am changing how I behave around her. She leaves a mess in my room. I hold a baby who has no diaper and pees. I put a diaper on her and hug and stroke her tenderly. The skin on her back is soft and sweet." }, { "number": "1128", "head": "12/02/88", "content": "A man (feminine-looking) sits on the floor. I am attracted to him a little. I sit down next to him. We kiss. Each time I kiss him on the mouth, he pulls away. I say \"What am I doing wrong?\" He says, \"Nothing. It's just that I'll have an orgasm.\" He looks around for a place we can make love. He points to a closet door and then to a trap door in the ceiling. I shake my head no and point to my bedroom door. We get up and walk into the bedroom. There is a kitchen in there. I open a cupboard and see piles of old cereal boxes. I realize Ellie has left her mess there. I realize I don't eat the cold cereal anymore. I now go upstairs and have hot cereal. I open a package and lemon lifesavers come out and a Hershey bar. A boy stares at the food and I push him away. Then I think, \"Oh. I don't eat chocolate. I should have given the bars to him.\" The woman says she is the Admiral's wife and watches the man to see his reaction. He is startled because he thought she was the Captain's wife." }, { "number": "1129", "head": "12/03/88", "content": "I am swimming across a huge expanse of tar, and if I stop to rest I will sink in, so I keep swimming even though I'm quite tired. Finally, I reach the shore and lay upon wet, soft grass, as soft waves of the clean, clear ocean lap near me. I clutch the grass to affirm I am finally safe and can rest. Just then I realize I'd spent all summer swimming and now it was time to go to school. I had no time to rest! I get up and now I'm dressed in a red plaid pleated wool skirt and a brown corduroy jacket. I am dressed different than all my peers. It is the beginning of the senior year. No one likes me. I dress and act differently. As a joke, they had invited me to be their class president. I go into the auditorium. I go up to the podium and tell them I know they don't like me and I don't like them but I am their President and I will make it work. Some guy in the back throws spit balls and is noisy and rude. A guy in front stands up and is rude. I walk up to him and nose to nose (he's very tall) I look up and say, \"Look here, you little punk...\" the crowd backs me and he quiets down." }, { "number": "1130", "head": "12/04/88", "content": "I help a girl tie her shoes and think, \"What a switch, I'm usually needing help on this.\"" }, { "number": "1131", "head": "12/04/88", "content": "Someone is giving a test and then just walks out of the room without finishing giving the test. I am annoyed." }, { "number": "1132", "head": "12/05/88", "content": "I am writing on a cushion I've drawn pictures on. I use a blue pen, that can't xerox. The pictures are like embroidery or needlepoint. I step back to see what it looks like. You can hardly see the writing. There is a small round cushion on the square large outside cover. I consider getting a better-fitting inside piece. A daughter asks me a favor to go with her to exchange a bottle at a store. I tell her I'm tired and have much to do, but we go, with several wives of my ex-husband. It's 1 or 2 in the morning. I look around in the store/tower and see lots of women looking or waiting for someone. We go to the next store. Lovely glassware and in the back of the store, plastic things, like laundry baskets. I comment on the juxtaposition. We go on. I find a name of a man who's looking for a roommate. I knew him. My father suggests I move in with him. I shrug. It's time to xerox something, but some papers fall on the glass and need to be moved quickly as I've already pushed the start button. I tell my father impatiently to help me. He is slow and ineffective. I then do it myself." }, { "number": "1133", "head": "12/06/88", "content": "Abner has gained a lot of weight. He and his wife are kissing and loving. I feel a little envious. Dora asks me to provide the entertainment for some scouting event. I ask if a person singing and playing the guitar is enough or would they prefer a band? A man at the opposite end of a long table says to me, \"Come here a minute.\" I laugh and say,\"It better be good to make me walk all that way.\" He hesitates and then walks to me to whisper, \"Can I stay here for awhile?\" He didn't have anywhere to sleep. I say, \"It's not my house. It's up to her.\"" }, { "number": "1134", "head": "12/06/88", "content": "I go down the slow elevator. Another woman went down the fast one. She had to wait for two days for me to arrive!" }, { "number": "1135", "head": "12/07/88", "content": "I walk upstairs, my high heels clicking. I check off a person's name on a list and walk downstairs again. Up I go. This time I try to check off more than one name and I see some books. I take them. They are mostly old children's books. I see a very pretty art book with a beautiful purple iris flower on a black cover. I ask,\"Whose book is that?\" I go back downstairs. I have two teacups and saucers. Someone says we need more plates. We are boiling potatoes. I wonder if there is enough." }, { "number": "1136", "head": "12/08/88", "content": "I'm in a car and it needs gas, oil and a tire check. I keep parking it in different places, but the station is very busy and I can't get anyone's attention. I finally drive in the gas pump line and get gas. I then start to drive to C City but must get out of the car because of a group of people parading down the street. Chuck is in the parade. A male friend calls out, \"You owe me a quarter.\" I search my pockets and only find a nickel. Chuck digs up a quarter. I say, \"Well then now, I owe you a quarter.\" I start to walk to C City. Aunt Bridget and her daughter walk with me a short way. I think,\"I hope I can make it.\" My knees have really been hurting. I then walk up and crawl up a stairway. There are handouts about counseling techniques on the steps. [BL]" }, { "number": "1137", "head": "12/08/88", "content": "Ellie and I are at school and are visiting a friend at her house. The friend tells Ellie she's been taking advantage of her and is selfish. Ellie had asked for some food and stuff. So Ellie gathers up some toys and gives them to the friend's kids. The friend says, \"Good, you needed to give up the toys anyway.\" I then see a pack of Lucky Strike cigs and ask for one to borrow. She says no. I then say \"Ellie, why don't you go to the store and buy me some Salems?\" Then the friend is packing to go to Europe. The TV cameras are here to get our reactions to her. I put on a scarf. And a woman says, \"You look good, scarfed.\" I see that it is shaped like a veiled Arab woman's scarf and all you can see is your eyes. Then the scarf keeps slipping and becomes a piece of wet folded up newspaper I hold over my mouth. It's my turn to talk to the cameras. I had watched a quad man fall to the ground and tell a man he loved him only to discover he was talking to a brown paper sack with a wig in it. I go to the camera and say, \"I first met ___ and I had to think hard to remember my friend's name Lisa, in class. I had my Masters in Counseling and she was getting hers.\" I said how much I loved her and her family (lots of siblings). I describe her huge house and the ramps and all her nice brothers and sisters." }, { "number": "1138", "head": "12/08/88", "content": "Ellie is driving and I am concerned. We are on a curvy mountain road. I can see construction down the mountain. We need to turn around and she backs up right to the edge. I keep saying, \"Be careful. Look out.\" I am worried we'll go over the edge." }, { "number": "1139", "head": "12/09/88", "content": "I am organizing and fixing my room. I have piles of things on a desk, and I take one thing at a time off the pile and put it where it belongs. I create shelves and put boxes of sorted things up on the shelf. Framed pictures of Grandpa Lloyd and Grandma Mildred are arranged on my desk. Three pictures of enlarged snapshots of some man, his head in different positions and moods are on the wall. (B has drawn three pictures in the journal.) I move a few chairs and a dresser. When I am through, I feel very happy and pleased. I go into the next room, which is a kitchen, and feel so happy as I see shelves of books and everything the way I like it. Howard picks me up and holds me. He wants to have sex and is desperate. He runs down the hall, carrying me so we can get to the bedroom downstairs before I stop being happy. I feel so sad and trapped because even though my body is hungry for sex, I can't enjoy it with Howard and I must have sex with him because he needs and demands it, so I feel trapped! My solution is to lie on top of him and caress us both so that I am giving or forcing my body to feel the physical experiences, but emotionally all I feel is trapped, disgusted and sad." }, { "number": "1140", "head": "12/10/88", "content": "Way up north, I go into a cold snow cave and find two rabbits who survived being in there. I realize that the cat didn't make it and I think, \"Aha! The cat got depressed and that ran down its resistances and it died.\"" }, { "number": "1141", "head": "12/10/88", "content": "A housing project is being built and the military is thinking that the women are ruining and shutting down the project for dumb reasons. The women aren't shutting it down. They are restructuring it to be more humane and good." }, { "number": "1142", "head": "12/12/88", "content": "A man is in a band my group has hired. He and I like each other. They play part of one song and then take a break! I am quite amazed. He and I walk together up stairs and down halls, talking. It's time to pack up. I pick up my costume jewelry and things. [BL]" }, { "number": "1143", "head": "12/12/88", "content": "Something warm and comfortable about Indian Spirits being with me." }, { "number": "1144", "head": "12/12/88", "content": "I am at a boarding house and taking my pills. I couldn't remember how many I took, then didn't know how many more to take. A man said to me, \"You shouldn't take pills in public where kids can see you.\" I make a sarcastic remark that people can take pills in restaurants. It's not against the law. I was mad that he'd expect me to get up and walk when it was so painful. [BL]" }, { "number": "1145", "head": "12/13/88", "content": "My father and I are in a car and we take me to school. I carry books. He puts a book in a locker. It's a Learn German book. A man and I are rehearsing a video promo on disability awareness. I do a cheerful, charming rap. Some people come in. We are talking about relationships. I am dancing alone and enjoying dancing to the music. I start to join another woman dancing alone, but then chose to dance alone. Then this man and I discuss what kind of relationship to experiment with. He says \"good friend and boyfriend first.\" Another guy and I laugh and say, \"Wouldn't it be better to start with an educational relationship and then move to girl/boy friend and then to marriage?\" I grimace at the idea of marriage. [BL]" }, { "number": "1146", "head": "12/14/88", "content": "There were lots of babies and I was going to breast feed them all. It was 10 of 4 and I'd only fed two their lunch. I thought of switching to bottle because I wasn't sure I had enough milk for all of them." }, { "number": "1147", "head": "12/14/88", "content": "I am telling some young man that I write. He said Paul writes. Did I think he was good? He thought Paul's work was good but it was \"from the dictionary.\" I said (as Paul listened in intently, \"You have to write from the heart and the dictionary,\" and I described a warm heart unthawing and how important it was." }, { "number": "1148", "head": "12/14/88", "content": "I'm in the middle of a project and don't have much help. Can't find the schedule. Put lots of my own money into the computer and forgot to get receipts. Don't know how I'm going to get it back. A man with one eye (which changed to two eyes, one blind and ugly) said he just doesn't like disabled people (me). I say I don't like him. He works for an oil company." }, { "number": "1149", "head": "12/15/88", "content": "Trying to take my cortisone because I'd forgotten to do it at breakfast. I pick up three tiny pills and almost eat several miniature gold rings and a small coin. I then realize I usually take more than three. So I eat more and then get worried because it might be too much." }, { "number": "1150", "head": "12/15/88", "content": "A girl's \"father\" is shy and likes me. We talk." }, { "number": "1151", "head": "12/16/88", "content": "I get into the back of my van and suddenly I see a man in a corner. He steps toward me with the intention of raping me. At first I feel resigned and paralyzed, not knowing what to do. And then I start screaming, \"Help!\" as loud as I can. He realizes I'll fight back, so he leaves. I quickly shut doors and lock them, glancing nervously at the corner he came from and drive away. I come to a river and get out. I have to get on a bus to cross. I climb up the stairs in great pain, asking if there are any seats near the back. I crawl over people and choose not to sit by some guy. I didn't like the way he looked. Then I am in a house and a man intends to have sex with me. I am not in agreement, but somehow I know I have to. There is some antagonistic and prideful remark I make. I'll at least keep my pride and dignity. I go upstairs and see a turd in the toilet. I then see a movie and say, \"That's not a good movie for me to see now.\" It's about someone who must use their talents to their full potential and someone who gives up and doesn't. I say to him, \"You don't think I'm going to make it easy for you, do you?\"" }, { "number": "1152", "head": "12/16/88", "content": "Lucy and I are looking at rows upon rows of pianos. I play a few. One has books for keys. I play a tune. Lucy is impressed. I say, \"I made it up, on the spot.\" Then I ask her if she's got some of her eyesight back. She says yes and has a weird-looking eyeglass on. She says, \"Some of it is back.\" Then she goes to sit by the ocean. I put a newspaper around my upper leg and come to her saying, \"I want you to see something.\" She looks. I am wearing the newspaper her father put out and it is too small. The seam is splitting. She gets the message that she has outgrown her father's words and beliefs. I go back to my spot to take a nap, thinking I'd like to be by the ocean too." }, { "number": "1153", "head": "12/16/88", "content": "Merle and another man in a wheelchair and I (in my wheelchair) drink tea made from flowers. It is an aphrodisiac." }, { "number": "1154", "head": "12/17/88", "content": "I had put notices up on bulletin boards and doors at school with my name on it. I then went around collecting them. People had written messages on them for me. I felt pleased. I go out to find the minibus for disabled. I pass Jerome who is talking to a male friend of his. Jerome says, \"You don't know my family. Lydia has two masters degrees and you'd better watch out around her. It isn't wise to care for her.\" I walk for blocks looking for the bus. I turn back and go back to the school thinking I'd left early and passed it." }, { "number": "1155", "head": "12/18/88", "content": "I am talking to a man and I say, \"It's about time things got more equal. I think women should stop holding two jobs (home and career) until the man kicks in and does his share.\"" }, { "number": "1156", "head": "12/18/88", "content": "I'm on stage, in the back, just watching, as comedians come out and do their bits. I look in the audience and see a row of comedians who are competing and think I could do as well as they. But I don't try." }, { "number": "1157", "head": "12/18/88", "content": "I am trying on rings. One is a tiny baby ring that barely goes over the tip of my pinky." }, { "number": "1158", "head": "12/19/88", "content": "I am driving my van, but can't find the keys to start it. I ask Ellie to find the keys in my purse. She's in the passenger seat. She says she can't find them. I notice I have somehow started the van without keys. I get mad at her and say, \"Keep looking!\" It feels like she's not trying hard enough. She finds them and we drive away." }, { "number": "1159", "head": "12/19/88", "content": "I go to M City and get lost because it's changed. I see some buildings near the college I recognize. Then I see how the city has grown. I am at an intersection on the hill and see a fast current in a large body of water. I think, \"What a lovely view; someone should build a house here.\" Just then a train, huge and noisy, rushes close by. \"Oh,\" I say, \"I see now why no one builds here.\" I see lots of trains and nearly get run over by one. I veer off and see a slough. I am walking with a man and I call out to warn him that sloughs can be dangerous like quicksand, but not as bad because it doesn't suck you all the way under. I also remember about Abner and catching frogs and our promise to marry when we grew up. We go around the slough to the house." }, { "number": "1160", "head": "12/19/88", "content": "A man and I seem to like each other. I notice he is bald in the back and I lose interest in him." }, { "number": "1161", "head": "12/19/88", "content": "I see a box of books. A hand points to them as a voice says, \"Forget working on the relationship stuff for now. Work on spirituality and Lesbianism.\" The hand picks up a book on Lesbianism and says, \"Here's one that the radical ones like.\"" }, { "number": "1162", "head": "12/20/88", "content": "Darryl wanted me to come into a room and make love. I smiled like, \"Ah! Tried to trick me, huh,\" and moved on, ignoring him." }, { "number": "1163", "head": "12/21/88", "content": "I am in a set of four rooms. The dining room is never used. I am surprised and ask Bonnie why not. She says it's too much trouble. I see Phyllis G. who is helping me with my paperwork. I want to give her the Barry Stevens book she likes. I write an inscription on the inside and then realize I wrote it on the wrong book. It's a children's coloring book. So I ask her to read it and pretend it's on the right book and then I give her the right book. I then must drive many miles on a bumpy dirt road to get to my word processor. It's a van/bus and a woman is driving. Without even stopping, she gets up and crawls out the passenger side of the van near me and runs up to the stop sign. I know this is normal procedure and wait patiently as we drive leaderless up to the sign where she will hop in and continue to drive. Lydia, in the back seat, is startled and cried out, \"Look out! What's she doing?\" I explain to her." }, { "number": "1164", "head": "12/22/88", "content": "A blond, young ordinary person is the winner of the writing contest. I am surprised at his good writing." }, { "number": "1165", "head": "12/23/88", "content": "I am at a funeral. I think it is Grandpa Lloyd's. The seats are like school desks in a row. I walk down the first row and see lots of my family there. I choose to sit in the back, in the third row over. My mother says, \"Jake and Valerie have changed their names to John and ickivi. My mother seems concerned and she and I argue. She says, \"Can't you see how they are so concerned about traffic?\" I said, \"Those are two different issues, Mom (I feel frustrated). The first one is about Identity, the second about confusion (or something). She dismissed my idea. I feel angry. A cute little automated machine comes in and bumps into things in its search for something to dust, because that's what it's been invented to do. It finds a picture frame and starts to wipe at it. At first all it does is move the dust around. I report this to someone. Then after a long time it actually makes it squeaky clean and dust free. I am impressed." }, { "number": "1166", "head": "12/26/88", "content": "Rochelle, Lucy and I must make a decision. I leave it to them." }, { "number": "1167", "head": "12/26/88", "content": "It's time to take our baggage to the airport and catch our plane. We are late and the baggage man is annoyed. Then we do it a second time. We get to the baggage counter at 10:10. That's the time the plane leaves. I say, \"I know I'm late, but you can do it, right?\" He sighs and does so. Then I realize I can't get on the plane. So I go back to get my baggage. We decide to drive. Then I lose everybody and realize they drove away without me and I have to walk. So I walk for miles. When I get there, one of the four people isn't there and I realize I didn't have to walk after all, because she had the van. I just missed her. Then we have three drivers and two vans and we try to figure out how we are going to drive so far that way. Someone's going to be tired." }, { "number": "1168", "content": "(12/26/88)[Same as the previous dream.] It's time to take our baggage to the airport and catch our plane. We are late and the baggage man is annoyed. Then we do it a second time. We get to the baggage counter at 10:10. That's the time the plane leaves. I say, \"I know I'm late, but you can do it, right?\" He sighs and does so. Then I realize I can't get on the plane. So I go back to get my baggage. We decide to drive. Then I lose everybody and realize they drove away without me and I have to walk. So I walk for miles. When I get there, one of the four people isn't there and I realize I didn't have to walk after all, because she had the van. I just missed her. Then we have three drivers and two vans and we try to figure out how we are going to drive so far that way. Someone's going to be tired." }, { "number": "1169", "head": "12/26/88", "content": "I see a house. Each room is up a flight of stairs. Each child will have their own room - lots of bunk beds. One room had birds, some memory in it, and when I poked my head in, I could hear the bird song. The next room was scary. I could feel it, but I opened the door anyway and a cute yellow plastic ghost rushed up to the door on a string. I laughed. I saw a bathroom with two tubs. A door opened. I saw a flight of stairs to a cocktail bar. I see the arm of a man on the banister. He's leaning over to see me. I shut the door quickly." }, { "number": "1170", "head": "12/26/88", "content": "I am swimming with a group of people in a swimming pool. We are all clothed and in a circle. It's an exercise class of some sort. A man, sort of short and chubby, is next to me. He likes me and I am attracted to him. We are talking. I hug him. He puts his finger on my vagina and is trying to excite me sexually. I draw back and am offended at his matter-of-fact manipulations. He stops and then I hug him. [BL]" }, { "number": "1171", "head": "12/27/88", "content": "I am asleep in the same bed with Bonnie at 3:00 a.m. Mateo comes in and wakes me. \"I want to take a bath,\" he says. I tell him it's 3 a.m. I get up, get my doctor's bag and go to another cabin. We are on a cruise ship. A man and a woman are sharing a cabin. They aren't supposed to, but everyone just looks the other way. He has bumps all over him and I tell him he has the mumps or maybe the measles and he can't continue the trip. It'll take three weeks to heal up." }, { "number": "1172", "head": "12/28/88", "content": "I meet with two judges of my poetry contest, Erik and some other guy (Lewis?). I tell them, \"I have one hour and then my rehearsal group comes by, so let's get to work and choose the winner.\" They agree and then Erik starts making funny faces and acting goofy. He hides and plays in my writing office. Lewis and I keep trying to talk him into seriousing up. Then my rehearsal group arrives. Some woman like Mabel really wants my attention. I try to pay attention to both groups. I see a list of author's names and see Dammitt and Akin. I then check the newsletter to see if they are the same as the winners. They are. Lucy comes in and wants to tell me all about the fact that when she falls asleep she acts like a little girl and either masturbates or gets sexually excited and now she's afraid to go to sleep. She rolls across the floor, looking like a little girl with Merle's condition. I half listen to her." }, { "number": "1173", "head": "12/29/88", "content": "There were maggot-like worms on my gums and I had to brush my teeth, and I had teeth half way down my throat." }, { "number": "1174", "head": "12/29/88", "content": "PROTECTION" }, { "number": "1175", "head": "12/29/88", "content": "Mateo is visiting. He is lying on the couch beside me and I am tickling him. He spills some juice on a folder on the floor and I scold him. \"Look what you did. No, no.\" Ellie and Bonnie come in bringing someone's laundry to do in my machine. Ellie shows me a photo with $12.00 written on it. It's a receipt a friend of hers needs to get someone to help her pay her bill. I get up to find Charla." }, { "number": "1176", "head": "12/29/88", "content": "Millie and I are doing the dishes together. She's washing and I'm rinsing. She turns on the water faucet and starts filling up the bucket. I get angry at her because we aren't finished yet and she's diluting the soap. She explains what she's doing and is upset with me because of my outburst. I then feel badly and apologize for getting angry. We go on with the dishes." }, { "number": "1177", "head": "12/30/88", "content": "Two men love me, an old flame and a new one. I am awash with loving attention. They vie for my attention. I go outside with one of them who is now a woman friend. We go to sit on an embankment. Someone says, \"This is where lovers sit.\" I feel uneasy. So I sit on other spots nearby, hoping no one is watching and getting the wrong idea. Then a barrier slides open and I get a beautiful view of the open sea. [BL]" }, { "number": "1178", "head": "12/30/88", "content": "I step over a counter displaying onyx animals to get a better look. Some fall over. I reassure the salesgirl. Nothing's broken. I see a guy dragonet and like it (stuffed.) It comes to me. It has sharp claws. It flies. I put it on my head. Now it's like a lace curtain veil that will take in flying. I look for some string loops so I won't lose it when I'm airborne, but they are then sewing thread and very fragile." }, { "number": "1179", "head": "01/02/89", "content": "A woman is laying on her back, her feet and arms up like a cat, sleeping on its back. Someone is having sex with her." }, { "number": "1180", "head": "01/02/89", "content": "A disabled man stands on the edge of a small swim pool on a stage. He says to the audience, \"The legs are going out,\" and he falls into the water. The audience laughs. I notice he nearly hits/smashes his head on the opposite side wall of the pool. He does this several times. Ellie and I come in to be part of the act. I get in the pool and shoo Ellie (or dismiss her) off the stage. I'm going to do an act where I order food and the boy plays the clerk who has thousands of selections, like the deli skit I did. Ellie rolls in a refrig. I ask for milk. The guy doesn't know what to do. I cue him. \"Say whole milk or 2%,\" I whisper. He does. I keep feeding him lines." }, { "number": "1181", "head": "01/02/89", "content": "Nate is there. I look for him in the audience. Then I realize he's at my house and I go there to see him. He has white pork chop whiskers on the sides of his chin and his face is old and worn and plump. His eyes show me he's glad to see me. He still loves me. I smile and hug him, glad to see him." }, { "number": "1182", "head": "01/03/89", "content": "Huge creatures that crunch down into human-sized things, only their body density is incredible; aliens." }, { "number": "1183", "head": "01/03/89", "content": "I'm in a plane. I notice the pilot and co-pilot have passed out and we're going to crash. I stand up and ask, \"Shouldn't someone try to fly the plane?\" No one responds. I go up and try. We land in a country that looks like the Soviet Union. I say, \"This is the second time I've been in a plane that landed somewhere unplanned.\" We get out. I walk down a street. I realize it is Czechoslovakia. I see a fancy limo convertible car go by with war officers in it. I'm in the back of a bus with the others from the place. The officer and I catch eye and I say, \"Uh oh! We've made eye contact and now we're in trouble. He's noticed us.\" We go into a hotel to hide. I pick up a New Testament and replace it and pick up my old Bible my parents gave me at birth, and a new prayer book (Episcopalian). I think I should re-read it and I get some interesting info that matches the messages I read in other stuff. I go into a bedroom of the hotel. Lots of double beds and the orphaned children live there." }, { "number": "1184", "head": "01/03/89", "content": "I take Valium to prepare for the plane flight out of there." }, { "number": "1185", "head": "01/04/89", "content": "I am seated in a manual wheelchair, like a high chair. My mother asks me if I need something. She obviously thinks I need help. I say, \"No, I'm okay.\" She then says, \"Yes! You are. I shouldn't be asking you to do things for me.\" I then get into the next chair on my left. It's the power chair. I can't get it out of the closet-like room I'm in. I ask her for help, but she doesn't hear. I walk out and see my father and Hank lying on the floor playing a game like Monopoly. They ignore me." }, { "number": "1186", "head": "01/04/89", "content": "I'm in my van. Two crewcut hair style guys leer in and then get in with intent to rape. I hesitate and then they get out and I lock the two front doors. They get in through the rear door. I start driving. I drive on a draw bridge with the two arms up and I nearly smash into them." }, { "number": "1187", "head": "01/05/89", "content": "I am a drummer and it's the 4th of July song, so I'd better do it well." }, { "number": "1188", "head": "01/05/89", "content": "Fixing the car. Parked it on the side where I can get to it to fix it." }, { "number": "1189", "head": "01/06/89", "content": "I am setting up a meal. I notice that the glasses are dirty, so I start to wash them in the sink. I clean off dried-on gunk. One cup is pink and collapses like those traveling cups. I turn to Paulina who is already seated at the table and ask if she wants that cup. She says, \"No, it is limp and collapses on itself,\" (like a limp penis). Dwight comes in and says, \"Ah, my favorite kind of fudge.\" \"Yeah,\" I say, \"I made it!\" I scrape off the dried skin and a pudding, vanilla-like substance is seen. \"It's my remoldable kind,\" I say. I go into my bedroom looking for the table. It's out back. We get it and bring it in. I then shout and try to lock the back bedroom door. It is hard to lock and I feel concerned. I won't feel safe until it's locked. It finally clicks. I go to the dining room. Pancakes and syrup are already on the plates. Dwight says, \"I like a picnic.\" He then comments on the nuns and how they are out in all kinds of weather (rain, sleet hail, snow, and gardening and then they complain because their knees and joints hurt)." }, { "number": "1190", "head": "01/07/89", "content": "A man and I are attracted to each other. I kiss him and curl up on his lap. We roll over onto the floor and are starting to make love when we hear \"the family\" coming into the room. We break apart, but aren't quick enough to get up off the floor. The head of the family (sort of Grandad Lloyd) is shocked and lectures us. We get up and the entire large family sits around a round dining table. And I lecture them on better communication skills, araphrasing, body language, etc. They find me unbelievable. They stare at me uncomprehendingly." }, { "number": "1191", "head": "01/08/89", "content": "I am in charge of selling tickets to a dance. People are already lined up to go in, but I'm not set up yet. I have to find Josh's vault that has the tickets and money in it. I go from schoolroom to schoolroom and can't find it. I see Josh and he takes me to where it is. He says it's the latest, best model and opens a luggage case and pulls out the stamps, money and tickets. I comment that I am 45 minutes late. He says there's a $32.50 charge for the use of these materials. I am surprised and not pleased. He changed it to $3.50. I don't check it out. I need the stuff, so I decide I settle up with him later. I go and see lots of people going into the dance. I say, \"I've got the tickets,\" but no one buys. I go in and announce they can buy their tickets now, but still they ignore me. I also see a sailor go by the table and I become aware that he stole my money." }, { "number": "1192", "head": "01/08/89", "content": "I am running down the halls of a zoo and I make a noise which causes the lions to roar, which causes the birds to chirp and screech, etc. until all the animals are making noises. Now I'm in trouble, so I run to a room to hide. Someone is after me. I go in and see a big monkey or gorilla. I try to entice a fake monkey (Dwight in a monkey suit) to sit on my lap so the real one won't. Too late. The big monkey comes at me." }, { "number": "1193", "head": "01/08/89", "content": "Bonnie and I are in the living room. Mateo comes in the door. We are planning the \"Birds\" shows. I am now on top of a roof and some one (Paulina) jumps off the 1st story edge so she can get a ladder for the rest of us. It's a red plastic ladder and shaky. I carefully climb down and then notice my brothers got back on the roof. I call \"The Birds\" together to discuss the two upcoming programs. I tell them I made a mistake. We have a one-hour show at 3:30 and then at 4:30 another show across town. If we only do 40 minutes, we can do it. There are 7 of us so if each does 6 minutes, we'd be OK. \"Lori\" says, \"What if I can only do three minutes? Jennifer H says she'd do the other 3 minutes. I apologize for making the mistakes in timing of the two shows." }, { "number": "1194", "head": "01/09/89", "content": "Grandma Mildred made a dress for Millie and Bonnie to wear to a dance. I must wear it. I struggle. It's too tight. And the net gets caught on my shoe. I say to Ellie, \"Is it unzipped all the way? I won't fit.\" She assures me it is. Then I ask her to look again. \"Oh,\" she says, \"It's still partly zipped.\" I get the dress on, but it's strapless and I have a regular bra on. Ellie says, \"Go get your special thing.\" I take off my bra and go to get my strapless bra, only I pick up a pair of swim goggles and lay it across my breasts and laugh. I see my hair, which is now totally gray. My eyes are a faded, tired blue. I am appalled. I straighten the curls Grandma had fixed into the hairdo. I hope my aunts return soon to take their rightful place in the outfit." }, { "number": "1195", "head": "01/09/89", "content": "I'm going up a hill past lovely condos on the river. I reach 1875 and realize someone is dead. I go into a room and see a special clock that, when you look at it right, shines or reflects lots of light. Ellie and I fight. It's a war of some kind between us." }, { "number": "1196", "head": "01/10/89", "content": "I am a concert pianist on stage playing dissonant Beethoven like dynamic music. My hair barrette snags open and my hair flies all around in my enthusiastic playing. I look at the audience with a smile, like, \"Oh well,\" and play on. I finish and stand to bow. A man comes out to help me put on my shoes (black high heels with straps) I have an umbrella hat and I don't do the straps, the audience is just going to have to accept this idiosyncrasy. The applause is weak and dries out. Then I decide to do an encore. It's my best piece, a ballad, soft and sweet; then it tells a musical story of children being good and then mischievous." }, { "number": "1197", "head": "01/10/89", "content": "A group of people are in a circle, two of them in wheelchairs. A man teacher asks students if they are prepared for today's lesson. He asks a boy in a wheelchair. The boy says, \"Oh, I couldn't because I didn't get my check yet.\" \"You understand,\" the teacher responds. \"No Gary, I don't. I speak English.\" Then there is a toy-like game. I'm it. Someone puts a thing in my arm and I drive around in my chair, lamenting, \"I can only go 4.8 m.p.h. How can I win?\" Everyone else is running and faster. Somehow I do manage to keep out of their way." }, { "number": "1198", "head": "01/10/89", "content": "I'm naked and sitting in the ocean. The tides are getting stronger and I must retreat back up on shore to be safe or I'll be pulled out to sea." }, { "number": "1199", "head": "01/11/89", "content": "I am suddenly aware that even though Howard and I are still married, we never have sex, or eat together, or go shopping. I have my food and I have no idea what he does." }, { "number": "1200", "head": "01/11/89", "content": "I see him in a dentist chair, leaning back, his mouth open. A naked woman is behind him, leaning over his face so that her breasts point to his mouth." }, { "number": "1201", "head": "01/11/89", "content": "I have 2 children, a girl about 4 years old and a boy about 2 years old. I tell the girl, who is clamoring for my attention, to wait; I have to deal with the boy right now because he's being bad. I see his round, sassy face and I slap him. \"Listen to me,\" I say. I slap him again and again. \"I know what you are doing up there.\" He lives in some institutions. \"I'm going to keep you here with me until you shape up and behave right.\" He's not happy about that. [BL]" }, { "number": "1202", "head": "01/11/89", "content": "I am in a group of people and we go into the social science schoolroom. I see Joe K seated at a desk. I sit with Tyler who wears white gloves. He is being teased about having bad breath and he leans over to me and breathes out and says, \"Do I?\" I say, \"No. It's fine.\" Then the group is upset at two of the women leaders. They don't trust them. I think the women are OK." }, { "number": "1203", "head": "01/11/89", "content": "I'm late and going to catch a train. I am in my van driving down a steep hill to a stop sign. I see a long line to get tickets on my left. Then I'm in my wheelchair on a waiting room train that starts going. \"Wait. I haven't got my ticket yet,\" I say, hoping they'll stop at the ticket booth." }, { "number": "1204", "head": "01/12/89", "content": "I'm on a rented bus. It's a women's study group. There are 7 men on the bus. I stand up, counting them. That's better than it used to be. Used to be only one or two men would attend that kind of class. One man says it would be better if we made it more comfortable for men to attend. I sit down and Ellie and the baby come to sit next to me. I hold the baby while Ellie crawls over me to get into the window seat. I lick on the baby's ice cream cone. Then it's time to get off. I now watch as a quad man goes to visit the house of a quad woman named Ruby. The bottom half of her house had been burnt. The structure still stands but the boards are charred. I lie on a grassy hill and look up at a beautiful silhouetted scene and say, \"I wish I had a camera!\" It was the profile of a woman and a child and another figure. I then roll over and eat some pancakes with syrup on it. I get back to the bus, only now I have to leave it and go walk to E City. It was a one-way cruise. I start walking. The bus owner comes up and says someone broke the vacuum cleaner and will I pay for it?" }, { "number": "1205", "head": "01/13/89", "content": "There is a raging, swollen river and I am to float down it. I have a guide. She says, \"You sure are scared.\" I said, \"Yes, I am.\" She couldn't understand why I'd be afraid. I was afraid I'd go under and be drowned. I see a boat going down river. It's dragging a long chain, like a bicycle chain. A loop of it catches on my right big toe and almost pulls me with it but I unloop it from my toe. Then I dive in and rush down stream. I get out. An Asian man is there. I have a list of places I saw on my travels. Mile post ----- is one of the entries. He speaks German and so do I, except toward the end I slip into Spanish." }, { "number": "1206", "head": "01/13/89", "content": "A woman in a wheelchair had an accident that injured the soles of her feet, so she has trouble walking. She puts on a brown leotard swimsuit and goes out to the pool to swim. It's 10 p.m. and I think, \"I'll bet that water's cold. Glad I'm not out there.\" I feel tired. I go into the kitchen and wash a bowl or two. My grandma Mildred is there. The soap is very good and even takes off dried-on oatmeal. Some voice explains there are more dishes and I don't want to do them all. I look at my Grandma Mildred and confront her, \"You think I'm being lazy! You don't think my arthritis is a good enough reason, do you, do you?\" She hems and ha's, is passive-aggressive and indirect. I don't let her get away with it. \"Look me right in the eyes and tell me,\" I command. I keep at it. She's now crouched behind the sink cowering from me. She finally admits that's what she thinks. She leaves the room quickly to go sit on the roof of the chicken house with the kids. I smile and say, \"She'll get over it.\" I feel a little guilty for being so rough and scaring her." }, { "number": "1207", "head": "01/14/89", "content": "There are many rooms in a house. I walk toward the bathroom. I am playing a musical instrument, like a guitar or mandolin. I say, \"Look, I just relax and don't think, and the music comes up from my memory.\" I am pleased. I start to walk into the bathroom and my mother is in there putting on her clothes. I see her \"bush\" as she pulls up her pants. I turn around quickly and say, \"I'm sorry. I'll wait.\" She says, \"It's OK.\" I go in and look around the room. There is an old-fashioned bath tub, the room is large. I think, \"I can put in big beautiful plants.\" There is a window with an ornate, carved, gold leaf frame over it. A mirror has the same decoration. I think about curtains and remember white gauze like curtains lying on the floor outside in the hall. I go back out and realize I've placed my bedroom clear across the house and it is inconvenient. I see a door next to the bathroom and think, \"I'll bet this would be a good bedroom.\" I open the door. It's not as pretty as I wanted it to be - empty bookshelves, white paint, ordinary. I step in and then notice an alcove with a bed in it off the main room. It was neat. I turn and see clothes hanging on the door, a red striped shirt. I think, \"How wonderful dreams are to create all this detail.\" I see another alcove and go to explore. I turn on the light and at first it is dark. Then I try to will it light, and then it's bright, reality-like light. It was like I'd woken up and was seeing my own room, and then went back to the dream room." }, { "number": "1208", "head": "01/15/89", "content": "I see Valerie and comment on her dark tan. She looks good. \"I have cancer of the liver,\" she says." }, { "number": "1209", "head": "01/15/89", "content": "Lucy needs a lawyer. Michael J. Fox (Darryl) takes on the job. He and I are crossing a huge river on a bridge. I see a prehistoric rhino go into the river. \"Nice neighborhood,\" I say sarcastically. The bridge becomes a stairway in a high-rise office building. At first we are going down to leave the building, but then we change and are going up to get to the protection of his father's office. I am glad because then our relationship has a chance. The furniture is rich and lovely. We sit in the dining room. Later, a secretary shows us where the spare blankets and rollaway bed is, only now we're stuck with her. She has three pink poodles, one a male. We laugh at how silly they look! Then, there's a whole crowd of people with us. I remember the lights are on and maybe someone outside has noticed and will come rescue us. I am embarrassed that I'd not thought to flash the lights to signal for help (I am aware I really didn't want help). The elevator now starts to work, but breaks down again. Everyone else uses the elevator. I hang back hoping to be last, with him. [BL]" }, { "number": "1210", "head": "01/16/89", "content": "I am listing things I am upset about and thinking about them. I am interrupted by a group of children coming into my room and talking and eating my chocolate chip cookies. I get up and tell them to leave my cookies alone. I try to tell my mother my concerns and feelings. I don't feel like she's listening. She interrupts and lectures. I see a baby and I pee on her diaper. She looks at me. Then I go into the bathroom. I see a book written by a woman and start to read it. I then do my affirmations. \"I am healthy. I am healing. I am a good writer.\" I then smiled and felt very good and continued, \"I am an excellent writer.\" I felt very happy and confident. Then I hear Ellie telling her problems to my mother and I hear her doing the same thing she did to me. We are at Grandma Mildred's house. They go out on the front porch. I join them and tell my mother to be a good listener, to not lecture. I then tell Ellie to be more direct and ask for what she needs." }, { "number": "1211", "head": "01/17/89", "content": "I am a man and I am teaching children to read in a one-room school house. I am gentle and dedicated. A woman, the wife of my neighbor comes in. I fall in love with her. She helps me with the children. On lunch break, I go outside and mow the lawn because being close to her is too hard. I might declare my love. Then the mowing becomes a ritual. I am naming the woman I flirted with and liked as I pass my hand over a pile of veggie stuff in a freezer. I do that twice and when I call her name, the freezer compartment is nearly empty and cold. I feel desolate. I get on my horse to go to another town. My horse must walk down a stair like \"carnival ride\" apparatus. Then the horse had to sit on its ass and slide the rest of the way. I am impressed with the horse's ability and feel badly that I put it through so much difficult maneuvering." }, { "number": "1212", "head": "01/18/89", "content": "I see Mabel and we walk. Then my \"husband\" comes over and looks at me. I say, \"Did you want to go home now?\" He just looks at me noncommittally. I say, \"I'll be there in a minute.\" He leaves. I say goodbye to Mabel, but feel uneasy because she might want to stay and talk. I feel pulled in two directions. So I go down the hall and round the corner and see my \"husband\" seated with his buddies in a tavern. I am looking in through a window. So I signal to him. \"Did you want to stay with your friends longer?\" He just looks at me. I signal that I'll go back and talk with Mabel for a while. When I find Mabel, she doesn't want to talk." }, { "number": "1213", "head": "01/18/89", "content": "My daughter Paulina and I are going to Mabel's. I say, \"You'll like it there. Good things to eat and lots of TV that's fun to watch.\" But when we get there, Mabel. is busy and angry. \"I didn't expect this towel (you got wet) would take an hour to dry and I have my studies to do.\"" }, { "number": "1214", "head": "01/19/89", "content": "Something interesting is happening and a crowd of people have gathered in a circle. I drive my wheelchair around trying to find a place where I can get in to see. A man pauses and gestures that he's holding a place for me. I smile and say no and go on, realizing after I said no that that's what I wanted. Then I find a hole and another woman and I get in to see. Then I leave, now I'm walking and leaving the group. I am going to my car. A young man leans into the window of my car and starts talking. His name is John. He suggests we go for a drive. He gets in and drives. We're out on a country road talking and I'm aware he's looking for a place to park so we can kiss. I wonder why I'm there. He pulls over and scoots over and kisses me. It is gentle and tender. I turn away and say no, and push him away. He persists. I feel his need and love. I say, \"You're a student at the community college and a young man. I'm an old woman. NO.\" He still wants me. Then I tell him to get out. He draws a map so I can find my way back. I get in the driver's seat and the car slides down a narrow, bumpy, dirt trail that has masses of blueprints and office papers all over the road. I manage to drive over it, wondering if my car can handle it." }, { "number": "1215", "head": "01/19/89", "content": "I go into the house to change my clothes because Tim, a young man, wants a ride to the airport. I want to be around him so I agree to drive him there. He and another man follow me in and watch as I try on different clothes. I notice I've lost a lot of weight and my belly bulge is gone. I say I have three daughters' wardrobes to choose from and I can't find anything. I ask Paulina if I can wear some of her pants. She doesn't want me to. I plead." }, { "number": "1216", "head": "01/21/89", "content": "I am walking through the halls of a school. A young girl (5th or 6th grade) really admires me and says, \"I'll come to your office with you.\" I don't say anything, but I really don't want her with me. I want to be alone. She follows along behind me, very enthusiastic. I see Arvonne sleeping in the hall. She's wearing leathers and has a punk hair style. She lazily opens her eyes half way. I smile and signal hello. She smiles in recognition. I go upstairs. I look ahead and I see Arvonne standing in the hall. I point to my student and mouth to Arvonne, \"Here is my student.\"" }, { "number": "1217", "head": "01/21/89", "content": "I am very upset. I want to move out. Bonnie comes over and will help me pack and move. She starts to talk to Arvonne about it and I shush her. I say, \"I haven't told Arvonne yet.\"" }, { "number": "1218", "head": "01/22/89", "content": "I am very anxious and sad. Paulina has decided to die. In about 15 minutes, she will die. I wail to my mother, \"What have I done to give her the opportunity to make that decision?\" I feel responsible. \"Our only hope is that she will decide to live.\" I strongly hope she chooses life." }, { "number": "1219", "head": "01/22/89", "content": "I see Willie. He is deciding to live or die. I am taking pictures of him with my camera. He hops and makes hand gestures and then he runs excitedly across the street to my van and pulls out a large registration card that has my name and some numbers on it. It also has huge letters that say \"SNOB-NOSED\" on it. Then I know he has decided to live. [BL]" }, { "number": "1220", "head": "01/22/89", "content": "I leave school and am looking for my ride. I see Ellie and the baby at my van and start to walk up the sidewalk. Then I don't see them. So I go back to catch a bus. Then I remember that I'd parked my van in the back parking lot. Veronica comes out and says, \"You have an important phone call.\" I know it's about Paulina's decision to live or die. I go in. Someone shows me a big black phone and I push the blinking lift button. But the call is cut off. I go to the office and Veronica works at getting the connection. Now there is a spelling contest. I spell two words correctly. (Paulina is the other contestant.) I spell \"ABSOLUTELY\" and it is correct." }, { "number": "1221", "head": "01/25/89", "content": "I'm seated in the front seat of a car in the middle. A man dressed in black is driving. A woman sits on my right. He keeps coming over and touching, caressing and wanting my butt. He's all warm and sexy and pleading. I say angrily, \"Leave my butt alone.\" He would back off and then try again. I lean over to whisper in the woman's ear. I say, \"I hope he can't hear me.\" She says he can't. [BL]" }, { "number": "1222", "head": "01/25/89", "content": "I am walking out with a man (Clint Eastwood). He is very tall. I look up at him and feel love and warmth. I wishfully say, \"Are you going to try and change me?\" He smiles and says NO. That's not right. He goes on to tell me that he's the strong and silent type. I shouldn't try to make him talk. The feeling was that I was already too verbal and made a lot of annoying noise. I need to really \"listen\" to the quiet and the feelings. I feel sad, because I like verbal and am good at it." }, { "number": "1223", "head": "01/25/89", "content": "I sit on a small wrought iron high chair to go to the bathroom. It overflows. I use toiled paper and saran wrap to pick up the feces and put it back in. The chair is out open in a room. I wonder to myself why I chose to go there." }, { "number": "1224", "head": "01/25/89", "content": "A selfish, mean woman kidnaps us. We are on a boat that is going around the Columbia River to the next stop. It's a short ride, like going around and around in a bathtub. She's after this guy sexually. He's not interested. Then she chooses this other guy who is more like her, and she has a great time with him. Then she comes out and hands platters of leftover food (ham, bread, etc.) to another man and leaves. The man thinks she's generous, but I know she's not. She was done with what she wanted and carelessly left the remains with someone else, so she wouldn't have to clean up herself. I was a little jealous because I wanted the food and \"had more right to it.\" I'd been around and this guy hadn't." }, { "number": "1225", "head": "01/26/89", "content": "I am leaving a C. Department meeting, by airplane, only something goes wrong and we have to get out. We land without crashing, but it's close! We are getting out and I check my pockets. I have change, 50-cent pieces and other coins. I have a receipt/ticket to get into the place we are going. I have someone else's ticket too. [BL]" }, { "number": "1226", "head": "01/26/89", "content": "Bonnie and I are done and go home. It's midnight and we are tired. Then we remember we have to take Mateo's baby sitter home. Bonnie says, \"I'll take this one home and you take Maggie home.\" I am annoyed. I'm tired and hurting and I have to take a 2nd baby sitter home? Why did Mateo need two sitters anyway?" }, { "number": "1227", "head": "01/28/89", "content": "I am at a spiritual woman's house. I am lying on a couch and she's seated in a chair behind my head. She's talking into a tape recorder. I hear noise outside the house but ignore it. Then our session is over and I get up and go to the front door to look out. I see bushes across the road burning and her front garden and lawn has been flooded. The water hose is still on. I say, \"Those vandals I heard about on the news were here! I'd best call the police. They've ruined your garden.\" She goes out to look. I call the police. I dial \"0\" and ask for the police. They are on the line very quickly. I say, \"My name is Barb Sanders and I'm at....\" \"Hey,\" I yell to her, \"What's your address here?\" She tells me and I tell them. Then I describe the damage. I say, \"You can even see their footprints.\" I hang up and wait for them. Then I hear her out there cleaning up the mess. I go out and say, \"Don't do that. You'll ruin the evidence. You'll cover it up.\" I am concerned. I decide to go home. She gives me the tape of our session and says, \"Don't work on this tonight. You've worked hard enough today.\" I say \"OK. Maybe I'll just listen to it once.\" I smile because I realize I still intend to work on it. Then I look around for my car. I can't see it anywhere. I say, \"Wouldn't I have parked it close to the house, so I wouldn't walk so far?\" She walks up the side yard to look. I say, \"Wait! Now when the police get here all they'll see is yours and my footprints!\" [BL]" }, { "number": "1228", "head": "01/28/89", "content": "I realize my throat is going to spasm and I think I'd better yell for help while I still can and don't forget to swallow. I yell, \"Help me! Help me!\" (I semi-wake up, aware of coughing and a funny contracting feeling in my throat. It passes and I go back to sleep.)" }, { "number": "1229", "head": "01/28/89", "content": "I'm in a living room. A man likes me and sits close by me. I tell him no. He's not my type. I feel good that I can say that directly, but I sit there as he tenderly and needily strokes my face with his arm. I fall asleep. A man (Georgette Heyer hero) comes by and wakes me up. I think, \"Ah! Finally! I'm halfway through the book and haven't met a man I like yet.\" This doctor is it. He takes me from the room to help preserve my reputation. He protects my reputation by lying to people. A girl has a small calico type short hair cat. I say, \"Let me pet her. I'll bet I can tame her. She'll calm down and we'll like each other.\" I stroke her gently. I notice a small bald spot on her back like a sore healing." }, { "number": "1230", "head": "01/29/89", "content": "A woman is mad at me and complaining. I'm in a bathtub and looking for my toothpaste. I can't find it. So I get out and go to my apartment. I see Hector and his friends. They'd been partying and are drunk. They're fixing food and I'm in the way. I say, \"I'm just trying to get my bowl for breakfast and I'll be out of your way.\" They don't help or care. I try to find a bowl in a tall pile of dishes and platters and plates, almost knocking over the pile and breaking dishes. I find a shallow bowl. One guy comes back to half-heartedly help me. I leave to go to a house. I'm going to baby sit for a while. I see the baby, who is sleepy, lying on the couch. I pick her up to rock her to sleep and then I hear another baby. Someone brings in a tiny miniature baby, which is cold and blue. I touch its skin and leave a white imprint of my finger. I'm amazed. Then I hear more babies crying. I go in, followed by the complaining woman and see nine babies in cribs. I say, \"I didn't know there were other babies.\" The woman decides to stay and help me. She is gruff and doesn't give freely. But she will stay and help." }, { "number": "1231", "head": "01/30/89", "content": "A man named Jim has big green eyes. They are pretty. I'm in a car with Ellie, Rochelle and another young woman. Ellie ask, \"Whose the lead Ingenue part?\" I say, \"I am. I get the guy.\" Ellie doesn't like that. Rochelle says, \"I don't remember you telling us that part.\" I say, \"I tried to, but you said never mind. You didn't want to hear it.\" She says, \"Well, I do now. You should read the play so we can all decide.\" I feel frustrated, angry and feel like I'm going to lose my part." }, { "number": "1232", "head": "01/31/89", "content": "I am newly married to the guy. I'm his second wife and he'll come into the room at any moment, so I'm hurrying to change into my nightgown for our \"first night.\" We are strangers and I feel uncomfortable (strange) that we'll be making love soon. He peeks in too soon and I feel caught or embarrassed. Then his first wife runs in and out. She's drunk. I explain to her that her son responds to his two mothers differently. I think he responds to me better. Then President Bush comes through (it's like the old M City house) to the bathroom where he explains he keeps extra sets of clothes so in case he needs to change to accommodate a new person or situation, he can. Then he's in another narrow, long room. He says, \"There's a lady here, what shall I wear? Shall I wear a dress?\" He holds up an ugly polyester dress. My husband and I shake our heads no! How are we going to keep him from making a fool of himself by wearing inappropriate clothes? The first wife runs in and gets up on the counter and I say, \"Oh no! She'll mess up his dinner.\" We rush over and pull her away from the microwave. I say, \"It really is hard to have a sweet, cute sister-in-law who is drunk.\"" }, { "number": "1233", "head": "02/02/89", "content": "I'm at a school and it's time to leave. I tell my mother and others they can go on, I'll catch up. After they leave, I see all my stuff I have to pack and carry and wish I'd remembered so they could have stayed to help me." }, { "number": "1234", "head": "02/02/89", "content": "I see waffles on a table and I say to my friend, \"They look good.\" \"Pancakes,\" she says. \"Let's eat pancakes right now.\" \"OK.\" I agree and we have seconds even with butter and applesauce all over them. They're good." }, { "number": "1235", "head": "02/02/89", "content": "I see a baby boy who has a psychological problem. He holds his legs funny. I approach him and say, \"Let me see.\" I lay him back and hold his legs like I'm changing his diaper. He has no balls. I say, \"What has your mother done?\" He looks embarrassed, like caught. His mother had hurt him when she diapered him, like molestation. [BL]" }, { "number": "1236", "head": "02/02/89", "content": "I am standing next to a gay man. He suddenly acts out a passionate kiss where he dips down until he's laying on top of me. We both pretend to be passionate. It is funny. Someone sees and laughs." }, { "number": "1237", "head": "02/03/89", "content": "I am lying on a raised platform. Mateo comes and lies down on a small blanket on the floor next to me (in front of me.) I say, \"Come on up here and lie with me. There's room.\" He says no. I say, \"Then there's a small pillow you can use near you.\" He gets the pillow and lies down. He doesn't look very comfortable. H. comes in and I sit up, I try to straighten up the things near me. Tap shoes. Eyeglasses (Evangeline's). I shove them off the platform. Then I see a coke machine and an old refrigerator. Water is pouring out of their broken handles. I ask Bonnie, \"Is that my fridge?\" I thought I had a big new one. I get up and Bonnie and I start to clean up the mess. She had already laid down newspapers and some of my newsletters over the big puddle. I get a mop and move lots of water and sludge. I carry the mop outside and squeeze it dry. I go back and forth, noticing how strong I feel physically." }, { "number": "1238", "head": "02/05/89", "content": "I'm on a tour bus. Co-worker Juliet is there. We went to Italy. I'm in a line. There is a ladder and I go up to the top of it and look down. As soon as I do, I feel unsure of my balance. The ladder topples and I fall down. Then some people come up to me to tell me that this quad back in the line is actually Mark Schoof, a senator's son. I look down on them for \"name- dropping\" but kind of wished I'd known that before." }, { "number": "1239", "head": "02/06/89", "content": "I get in a car that Dan H is driving. He's not doing it very well. So I decide to drive. Things are slippery and we slide. My brakes don't hold very well. We drive but now it's like a giant stamper or xerox that imprints a page filled with alphabets or listings in alphabetical order. I lay each page or stamp down on the road and we travel, one page at a time." }, { "number": "1240", "head": "02/07/89", "content": "I am seated near Lucy in a circle of people. The male teacher starts to lecture. Lucy is singing a pretty song. The teacher looks over to her with disapproval for the interruption. I tell Lucy to stop singing because it is disruptive." }, { "number": "1241", "head": "02/07/89", "content": "It's getting time to go somewhere. I invite a woman to go with me. Another woman wants to go too. I invite her too. I say, \"Let's all meet at Lucy's and I'll take us all in my van. There's room for everyone. It's a group of six.\"" }, { "number": "1242", "head": "02/08/89", "content": "I overdosed on some medicine, Percadan or something. I'd taken a pill and then 20 minutes later, taken another one." }, { "number": "1243", "head": "02/08/89", "content": "Paulina, Ellie and I were somewhere. Paulina was helpful. Ellie wasn't. A janitor person left a note and told us to walk down the hill and around to the yellow door. We did." }, { "number": "1244", "head": "02/08/89", "content": "I went into the bathroom and someone knocked on the door wanting some TP. I said, \"OK, come in,\" and gave them some." }, { "number": "1245", "head": "02/08/89", "content": "I looked at myself in the mirror. I have a huge bald spot (like Gallagher). My mother says, \"Don't be silly. It's just a little thin.\" I say, \"Look! It's really bald.\" I feel sick to my stomach. I start combing my hair to cover it up." }, { "number": "1246", "head": "02/08/89", "content": "I'm in my van and I see I'm near Rita H's house. I decide to visit. I drive backwards up a little hill and over gravelly stones. Her house is very tiny. I see her in the kitchen. She is all pink, even her hair. She's talking with some older woman. I apologize for interrupting. I am aware she's hiding someone in another room and I don't want to make trouble for her." }, { "number": "1247", "head": "02/09/89", "content": "I am a cripple and I sit down on the sidewalk in front of a store to wait for my friend. I have packages of popcorn the seam of the sack is burst and I'm spilling popcorn. The fat owner of the shop comes out and wants me to leave. We are in France and I can't remember any French. So I say, \"Ich have ein Freund.\" But I couldn't remember enough German to say, \"Who will meet me here?\" So I switch to Spanish and say, \"Punto aqui.\" A man walking by tries to help translate. Then I say, \"Oh, here's my friend.\" I see her down the street. I gather up my packages and walk to meet her. Her name is Susan. Now I'm going to introduce her to this woman. I say, \"This is Susan,\" and the woman says, \"Oh! I know her.\" They had met before. [BL]" }, { "number": "1248", "head": "02/09/89", "content": "Now I'm part of a tour. I am standing outside a store window, watching the actors do several scenes. A man and woman are acting. Suddenly he breaks from the rehearsal scene and sits in a chair and then gets up and puts her in the chair. She is trying to keep her composure and stick with the script. Then she backs up to a wall and says to him, \"I hate it when you scare me.\" I watch this as a counselor and think, \"No, that's not right.\" I can help her. I see a paper that fans are writing on and I see the actress's name is Barb V. I say to the woman tour guide, \"What a coincidence. My name is Barb and my last name is Sanders. But my maiden name was V.\" (I was thinking that wasn't explained right. Actually V. was my mother's maiden name.) So I explain this in the paper and tell her that it wasn't the guy that scared her. It was her choosing to back up to the wall and be scared that was the problem! I figured she'd not see this for a long time and I went back to this house I was staying at. We were going on a trip on the bus, so now I'm very short and plump and have short hair, my name is Barb. I go to my closet to change clothes. I think I wasn't to wear a dress, but change my mind and put on white jeans and a blue blouse. I go out and get on the bus. Everyone else knows that the actress and her husband and a friend of theirs for me are already on the bus, but I don't. It's to be a surprise. I look for a seat, a single seat, for me, and everyone is grinning at me. So I finally find my seat at the very back of the bus. My needle-pointed cushion is on the seat. I sit and then turn and see the actress. We all laugh at the surprise. They introduce me to their friend, a small, plump, round-faced, black young man with short curly hair. I am disappointed and so is he. I think maybe he'll start feeling OK about being fat. I laugh because it's not likely and I realize maybe I could also feel OK about being fat. Then the music gets garbled and we hear the bus driver fiddling with the tape (the actress' sound tape) and says, \"We'll have to cut out 'The killer Song.' He mends the tape after the Killer song and plays music again." }, { "number": "1249", "head": "02/10/89", "content": "My wheelchair is broken. I had driven it up to my van and gotten out. Then I saw a midget with no legs and deformed hands go in my chair with her two kids and drive it around. They broke it. I get out and try to find them. I ask a deaf woman for info on where they are. I have to repeat myself, but she understands pretty well. Then I decide I'll drive through the campground until I see them. [BL]" }, { "number": "1250", "head": "02/10/89", "content": "Now I'm going to jail, myself and two other women. A man and a woman are our teachers. They say we have to learn history in order to understand and then be released. 1803, Osprey. 1940. There are other dates and symbols. Three different times the teachers would take a break, go to another room and make love. We could see them and hear them. I commented that's not a very good idea for prisoners to see that because we can't have any. I hope to choose a room next time where I can't see them. I am released. Ginny and I also pick me up. We walk home in the heavy snow. We slide on ice on the road (the gutter the tires made). It's fun. I say, \"We got to ice skate in jail.\" We slide our feet like we're skating. Dovre runs fast to see me. She's excited I'm home. I see a huge turquoise crystal rock and admire it. Ginny says, \"It's yours,\" and gives it to me. I go inside where Ernie and Rigo are waiting. It is a sweet family scene." }, { "number": "1251", "head": "02/11/89", "content": "A woman director is looking at the butts of the male and female actors. The woman's buns are big and heavy. The director says, \"Ah! They don't make them like they used to.\" She admires them. Then the director gets up and goes to the door where a male worker is standing. She gives him a sexy come-on look and takes him off to have her way with him. Later, she returns. A fat Andy Divine guy comes and sits by her. He has on a small brown round derby hat. He says he's available should she be interested. She says she is. His hat wiggles up and down comically. Now I'm the actress. Josh comes up and says, \"Dora's in the hospital and wants you to call her.\" I am surprised and concerned. I find a phone and call. A nurse answers. I hear Dora in the back ground say, \"I'm expecting this call.\" The nurse says, \"You can't talk to her.\" I say, \"Wait. I was told to call her.\" The nurse is indignant that I would be so pushy and rude as to try to talk with Dora now. I feel embarrassed like it's not my fault, I'm just obeying a summons. Then I say, \"Is it OK to come see her?\" The nurse snorts derisively, \"No, of course not.\" I get angry and say, \"OK,\" then I hang up, slamming the receiver. Then I see Dora's daughter Daphne in a nurse's outfit and ask how her mom is. Daphne says she's doing better. I say, \"What's wrong with he?\" and Daphne says, \"She's getting treatment for being a child sex molester.\" I am surprised and feel sad for Daphne and shocked about Dora. I'd never imagine she'd be like that!" }, { "number": "1252", "head": "02/11/89", "content": "A young man and I are running upstairs to our new apartments which are side by side. I am now alone and I see the door to his apartment open. It's #624. I peek around the corner and happily call out to him because I know he's there and I really want to see the apartment. He says, \"Come in,\" and I walk around the corner. I see two rooms separated by a yellow lace curtain hanging on dark beautiful wood round hoops. I see pictures on the wall and furniture in place. The place has a warm lived-in feeling. Very pretty. I think, \"How did he do that so fast?\" My place is a mess with boxes stacked and nothing unpacked yet." }, { "number": "1253", "head": "02/11/89", "content": "Joe K and I are in a small sports car. He's driving. We are soon to be lovers. We like each other. I see we are going very fast and cutting in and out of traffic like a race. He's watching me out of the corner of his eye to see if I'm scared. I mostly am enjoying the wind and the grace of the movement, but I do have some concern. I'm thinking about whether I'm in danger or not and if I am, I should stop it. I decide I'm safe. We get to this city and pull up to an apartment. We go in to have lunch. I am aware that we might decide to make love. I see the kitchen and take over immediately. I am walking well and take a bag of frozen shrimp and pineapple pieces out of the refridge. I wonder why I'm being so domestic and then think, \"Oh well, he drove, so it's fair I do this.\" He is seated at the dining room table just waiting. I expertly lay the table - the two plates, the cups, the knives and forks, the two salads. He watches. I then sit to eat. He says, \"What kind of rocks are these?\" He points to a small box of rocks on the table. I sort through them and I say, \"This one is igneous. These are quartz crystal. This looks like agatized material.\" I see a square of rocks that look like they had been started to be onyx chessmen and haven't been carved out yet." }, { "number": "1254", "head": "02/12/89", "content": "I enter a large room. It is my apartment that I share with my husband of four months. It is late at night. He's already in bed. He's black and I'm white. I tiptoe in and lay down on the bed beside him. He is very aware of me. We've never made love, even though we are married. He wants me but he does not approach. I look at his sweet young face and am moved, maybe pity, or caring. I curl up to him and start kissing his cheek and neck. He is happy and excited. Finally, I have cared enough to give him this sexual gift. I sit on top of him and we have orgasm. It feels very good. Then we rest. Someone knocks on the door. I get up to open the door. He says, \"Wait! You must not. It's the police.\" Our being of different races and together is very bad and against the law. I see the heavy deadbolt locks on the door. I go hide in the bathroom. I write phone numbers and names on a piece of paper and try to hide it so he can find it, but the police can't. Then the police are in the bathroom, questioning me." }, { "number": "1255", "head": "02/12/89", "content": "I am at Ginny's. Mateo and I are going to sleep together on a mattress in front of the TV. It's a treat. I then remember I can't get down to the floor, with my knees. I suggest we sleep on the bed in the other room. I remind myself that it's OK because Mateo is a small boy. Then, we are in the parking lot of Safeway or Fred Meyers. I am asking the store desk for some oily stuff to go in my pickup. She doesn't have any, but she says, \"I have something that might work.\" She goes to an open freezer thing and digs around. I say, \"Candy?\" She says, \"No. We also keep medicines here,\" and gets a container (a tube) and squirts what looks like whipped cream into a paper cone. It's messy and hard to hold. I grimace and say, \"Thanks a lot,\" sarcastically. I say to Dwight, \"I guess we'll try to put in on the engine before we leave.\" He says he knows how and goes out. The clerk asks if I want any cat litter. She shows me a selection of different sizes of pebbles and gravel. I think about it, but feel tired and decide to wait until I get to Ginny's, even though I know it will be more work for them. I go outside and see the pickup gone and two dogs and a small toddler girl running across the street. I am appalled. The young boy had gone off on a joy ride. Ginny wasn't thinking well enough to give permission. I urgently call the girl and the dogs out of the street. I take her hand and we walk on the top of a path that's like a thick fence top. She falls off to the right side and I nearly fall off the left side. We wobble back to the parking lot. The pickup is back. I lecture Ginny (scold, a little). I see Dwight instructing the boy to put the whipping cream stuff on a roll of insulation. I say, \"That won't help. It's supposed to go in the engine.\" What a mess. Nothing is going right." }, { "number": "1256", "head": "02/12/89", "content": "I'm in a car. I look in the rear view mirror and see the headdress of an Indian Chief. He's riding a motorcycle behind me. My car is borrowed from someone. It's falling apart. The fender is peeling of, the wheel is unsteady, the steering wheel ill sharpened. I'm in the passenger side steering. I ask Ginny who is in the back seat to shift to \"D\" for drive. She does. Then because we're all over the road, I scoot over into the driver's seat to take better control." }, { "number": "1257", "head": "02/13/89", "content": "I now live at Mabel's house with a young man named Jeff, who is learning counseling, and my sister Lydia or Paulina. It is a warm atmosphere where we use and learn counseling techniques. I start singing with someone. He sings, \"I have the time.\" I repeat, \"I have the time.\" It's a hearty blues/gospel song with background singers and clapping. It is joyous and strong. I am in excellent voice. I sit in between two people at a small round table on stage. I wear a hat that's too far down near my eyes. I keep trying to move it up so I can see and be seen better. I stand up while singing, my left arm around \"Elmo's\" shoulders. We sing, \"To see the world,\" and then the best line, \"Angels, hanging in the sky.\" I am thrilled at how well I can sing. It is beautiful." }, { "number": "1258", "head": "02/14/89", "content": "A man points out a mess of maggoty creatures under a bed. I look. They are like miniature Siamese cats all sickly like crawling together. It's awful. Time to clean things up. I get a broom." }, { "number": "1259", "head": "02/14/89", "content": "A young, good-looking man like Darryl is attracted to me and I am to him. He starts to kiss me gently and tenderly. I like it. Then we are in the back seat and he leans back and says, \"Before we go any further, we have to talk.\" He says he has some concerns about being full-time around my children, especially at breakfast time. I agree. I say, \"When they were little, I used to count the days when they'd be old enough to get their own breakfast. Was I a terrible mother? But now that they are grown, it's easier. But it's still hard, I know.\" I continued, \"I know that breakfast isn't the only issue. It's the children in general.\" He agrees." }, { "number": "1260", "head": "02/14/89", "content": "I am talking to him (the same guy) on the phone. I am constantly interrupted by the antics of his 2-year-old boy who I am apparently babysitting. The boy runs and jumps from a high place. I yell, \"Be careful,\" and get up to pick him up. He's flat and I peel him off the floor like a gooey plastic toy and then he's back to his original self. \"Are you hurt?\" I ask concerned. He smiles, and takes off playing again. I return to the phone, only now it's a girls voice and I ask who this is, hoping it's not his wife. It is his daughter and I think of what I'll say so I'll appear to just be a friend. Then the boy has a platter he's carrying with a wine glass, tall and slim, on it. \"Be careful!\" I call out. It slips off and hits the floor. I run to see if it's broken. It has a piece chipped out of it. I feel sad. The shape is changed. It's like a blue flower petal design. I go back to the phone. He's on the line. I say, \"It was the glass we got at the Expo, in Seattle.\"" }, { "number": "1261", "head": "02/16/89", "content": "Robin (Judith's daughter) asks me if I want a piece of pie. I say, \"Yes.\" She brings me a huge plate filled with lots of baked fruits. I say, \"I can't eat this much.\" My daughters are nearby, looking at photos. One brings me a picture and asks where it was taken. It was Ellie at 2 or 3 years and Dwight half-grown. I say to my mother, \"Mom, where was this picture taken?\" She says, \"Hillsboro.\" I say, \"How old is Dwight?\" She says, \"16.\" Then everyone has taken their photos and the only ones left are Ellie's. I give them to her. I then look around for a place to be alone, but we are having a party. There are lots of guests, only they are all ghosts. The main ghost is Blackbeard the pirate. The party is over, so they all disappear. Then a boy and a girl (teenage) see a boat. The pirate makes them fall into the ocean and swim to the boat. Their clothes are not wet. I'm now on the boat. I sit on a beam hanging over the sea for a somewhat long time. I get back on the ship and get in a hammock. It's a blue cloth and the tip covers my feet. A man scoffs at me. \"How can you stand being in a hammock?\" We insult each other. He's a sexist pig and we're stuck with each other. I go inside and look around at the mess and try to clean it up, only each time I pick up something and think it's a mess, it turns out to be logical or necessary, except for a basket full of lids, each one wrapped in a plastic wrap. \"Hmm,\" I say and put it back on the stove where it had been." }, { "number": "1262", "head": "02/16/89", "content": "I look to an opened window. I see a cardboard. I pick it up. It's some forgotten thing that had been with the closed window for a long time. I pick it up. A black and white photo or drawing of a young woman is in the upper left l/4 of the cardboard. My mother says, \"My nose.\" She is surprised and happy to see it. Apparently it's a drawing she started years ago to practice drawing a nose." }, { "number": "1263", "head": "02/17/89", "content": "My mother wants a cup of water, good distilled water. I remembered seeing some on a shelf at a store so I go to get it. I can't find it. I look and look, then I ask for it. The clerk takes me to the first row of shelves with laundry items. That's not it. Then I see it on the 2nd row of shelves. I get it and have to sit on a round cylinder that unhooks and I am precariously hanging on to it and the cup of water. I get down. Now I'm looking for a cup. I ask Kay. She points out a large pitcher. No I say. Then I see a blue cup-shaped like a flower or a plant. I take it and sit it on a table next to some people I know. Then I go outside to sight-see for a few minutes even though its nearly midnight and the clerk is tired and wants to go home. I think I'm in India. A man with dark, long hair (hippie length) walks by and stops and looks at me. He smiles and says, \"Oh, I thought you were someone I knew.\" I said, \"Oh, I thought you were Merle,\" he goes on. I see very ornate carvings all over the building's walls." }, { "number": "1264", "head": "02/17/89", "content": "I see a field. Dwight and I are cultivating it. There are rows of little lettuces. I throw seeds out there to create core crops. I drag something around to plow up rows." }, { "number": "1265", "head": "02/17/89", "content": "I am concerned because I forgot to take my pills and I need to do it now. I go into a lobby of a restroom. Someone is helping a woman take a shower. I am uptight. As I pull out my pill bottle, I notice with concern I don't have very many left. Aunt Bridget comes in as I'm dumping them out on the counter to count them. She says, \"I saw your poster. It's good but...\" and I said impatiently, \"No negative comments. I can't take them right now.\" She turned and left, embarrassed saying, \"Thank you for hearing that in my voice. Of course you don't want negative stuff now.\" I feel a little guilty but OK. I see pills of different sizes and shapes and I'm trying to figure out which ones to take. I ask Bridget's advice on one very ornate, flat pill as to whether it says 2 or 3 milligrams. Another pill turns out to be the manufacturer's label and another one an applique. I then find big fat ones, some green and some yellow. The 20 milligram size (like Percadans), I try to get one out and it's like taffy. I scoop it up on my finger and eat it off my finger. I think I've taken 25 milligrams. I had chocked on a \"5\" pill and it had dissolved in my throat like an aspirin with some of the sticky residue left on my finger. Bridget says, \"I know about air dynamics\" and pulls it off and throws it like a paper airplane across the room. I feel nervous because I don't know if I've had enough medicine. So I follow it into the next room. Hank and other counselors are there. Hank says, \"I see we're in the same room, but I don't know if we're doing the same thing.\" He continued, \"It's like taking time out at a Christian and the Lion to let the Christians pick up the wounded.\" I laugh, falsely and say, \"Yeah. Like you are in there, tsk tsk, sign up for classes,\" and I'm there. \"Are you feeling OK?\" I was surprised he brought it up. He has his hand on my knee warmly supportive. Then Ellie (3 years old) crawls up on his lap. He is pleasantly surprised. \"I didn't think I'd still be considered for such an honor.\" I see the smaller baby and pick her up. She turns into a magazine without a pretty picture on the cover. It's like I'm competing with Hank and I'm last." }, { "number": "1266", "head": "02/18/89", "content": "I am with Howard. We've been married a long time but we don't have sex. He's very frustrated. I feel sorry for him, but I just don't want to with him. I get up, thinking it's morning, but it's 5:20 a.m. and still dark outside. I am organizing some old papers and books. He gets up and goes sadly into another bedroom." }, { "number": "1267", "head": "02/18/89", "content": "A group of people are out in a field. They are sheep and have collectively decided to band together to attack the wolf. I see one woman in the center whose two strands of hair droop down over her face like two antennae of a bee. She steps forward and leads the group. As a group they approach the wolf. Then I see a bear and then a panther. Then the group goes back toward the house. Now I'm in the house with my new/young husband. I am feeling caring. He has a rash on his arm, maybe poison oak from out in the field. I hesitate to touch him because I don't want the rash, but I've already touched him, so what the heck. I see a bandage with Doctor's name on it like it's the prescription. He goes back to bed. I stay up and start organizing papers and books, old ones left for a time in a sack, letters from my daughters, old appointment book (red). I get hungry and go to see what's in the cupboards: potato chips and oatmeal. I decide on oatmeal and remember a bowl already made in a cupboard in the bedroom my husband (Howard) went to. I pass a stove with boiling water. I ask if it's fresh. A woman carrying a tiny baby says, \"Sort of. It's for checking out some kind of animal organism or bacteria.\" It looked like it had soap in it. I decide at the last second not to eat this old and icky dish of oatmeal. Paulina wants to babysit the baby. I look at it. It is very tiny and newborn. I ask how old it is and receive the impression that she'd just had it a few moments before. I don't think Paulina should handle such a small and fragile baby." }, { "number": "1268", "head": "02/18/89", "content": "Something about death or suicide." }, { "number": "1269", "head": "02/18/89", "content": "Something about sexual orgasm. Strong." }, { "number": "1270", "head": "02/19/89", "content": "I visit Shannon. She is with her boyfriend who is Bob (her ex-husband), only I comment that he was my ex-boyfriend's (Darryl's) best friend Darryl. We are packing up stuff. They are here to help me. I think, \"How nice of them to pay for the gas to get here and back,\" and I feel a little guilty about choosing not to chip in to help pay for their expenses. I think, \"It's OK. They are my friends. Let them do it.\" I start to pack my muffin tins and notice that her very ornate crystal rock is in the plastic bag with it. It's a huge rock with pocket holes in it where beautiful agates and crystals fit in. I think she got it from my father. I think, \"Oh, oh. I better give her back her crystal.\"" }, { "number": "1271", "head": "02/19/89", "content": "Now I'm in a race. I line up with the little kids, age 2 on up. Then there are some women and three men. I think, \"We won't count the kids as part of the competition. Just let them run for fun.\" I'll probably win or be close in the women's division and the guys will win the race. I feel determined. The race starts and I am out in the lead. The guys are very close behind me. I put out heroic efforts, panting, running; it's hard to do. I pull myself step by step. The curb or railing is pink and I pull on it to get me up the hill. The guys get ahead of me. I'm sweating and exhausted. I come into a room. They are seated, drinking ice water and taking a breather. I just keep on going. I hope they don't notice I'm gone until I've gotten a good lead! I struggle and struggle. Then they notice and race. I just barely cross the finish line ahead of them. The winner. I collapse from the strain and lie there panting, catching my breath." }, { "number": "1272", "head": "02/21/89", "content": "I'm standing up and have to go to the bathroom. I lean my butt on a table, pull up my dress and pee. It pours out, foamy, and makes a wet mess all over my leg and foot and around on the ground. I feel embarrassed." }, { "number": "1273", "head": "02/21/89", "content": "I am an Indian woman out in the woods. White horse soldiers are coming -- so I go into a square rock \"cave\" and roll a rock over the entrance. There are little peepholes where I can look out and see what's happening. They are looking for me and ride up close. My horse is with me in there and I have trained it to be quiet when I lay the reins a certain way. I hope he doesn't give me away. I look out and see a soldier very close to the rock and hope they don't find me. I'm there for days -- it's like being buried alive. I wonder how the horse is going to go to the bathroom. Finally, it is safe to get out. I disguise myself. Now I am sort of Cary Grant and traveling down a road, maybe the Alaskan Highway, and I'm looking for that Indian girl. I see two women in \"India\" Indian-like garb riding in a horse-drawn carriage. I'm in some other coach or something. I hop over into their carriage, and say, \"You are very pretty Indian girls.\" They are shocked and disapproving. \"Oh,\" says Cary, \"I guess you hear that a lot.\" They stop the carriage and insist he leave. He's now wearing one of their outfits and sneaks behind the carriage, hoping no one's on the road to see him. He starts walking down the road when we all notice a huge line of cars and people suddenly coming. We laugh because he's going to be very embarrassed. Now there are three of us: Cary and I and one of the Indian women. She asks me what I've been doing. I say, \"Researching that Indian woman incident.\" I'll stay around for a few more days and do more research, ask questions, and then I'll relax and go fishing or boating. I am now standing at the edge of a shallow, high mountain lake. Water is warm. There are lots of mosquitoes and water bugs skittering around on the surface (like Hebo lake in Tilly) of the dark, dank, gray-green water. Cary Grant is already out to the deep part and calls back to the Indian woman teasingly, \"You're OK here, but I wouldn't trust your help in New York (meaning the deeper water). I'm not sure I'd hire you.\" She smiles and says, \"You miss the point.\" He says, \"What is it?\" I say, like to a mentally retarded person, \"She means she's suggesting friendship and all you see is hiring her.\" The hair on his head bursts into flames. \"Oh,\" he says, \"I'm embarrassed,\" and slowly submerges to put out the flames. She and I laugh. We wade out. I see a herd of moose with huge antlers far across the lake. They are beautiful. I remember I must feed the cats. So I have a white envelope in which I put cat food and hamburger and powdered milk. I pour water in. I repeat this several times so the cat will have enough, then I lay it on the shore of the lake. Time to relax and swim in the warm water, with my friends." }, { "number": "1274", "head": "02/22/89", "content": "I am seated on a stairway thing like you can roll out to an airplane. Suddenly it starts to move. It rolls into a room and it starts dancing with the projected image of Alister Cooke. After the dance I smile and point to his retreating figure and say, \"I know I danced with you.\" I go into another room. I'm standing now. A fat girl is looking over at a fat boy. They are making eyes at each other shyly. So I open some object to attract the guy over for her so he'll have an excuse to come talk to her. He comes over and they walk off together. Some man calls to me and wants some glue. I see a bottle and throw it over to him. It's old and sticks badly as it lands on a wall near him. He is angry and asks for fresher glue. I throw another one. It's not good either. He's very angry and comes at me. I must kick his balls and hit his face to protect myself." }, { "number": "1275", "head": "02/22/89", "content": "A woman has been running from her mean husband. She is blindly feeling the walls as she goes down the street. She comes to a telephone booth. I join her and offer to help. We look up names of people/agencies that can help her. I decide we'd choose a time in the afternoon and go back to her apartment and get her personal things when her husband isn't around. Then my male friend and I can help her decorate her new apartment with her own possessions. I am in her apartment. The husband (like Cary Grant) harasses me. I write down info about the wife and he wants that info. I refuse to give it to him. He is angry and threatening." }, { "number": "1276", "head": "02/22/89", "content": "I enter the lobby of a hotel. I am an employee and the boss wants us to vacuum up the mess on the floor. I tell a girl to get the vacuum and sweep up the dirt. She does so." }, { "number": "1277", "head": "02/23/89", "content": "I'm looking at a huge hand-written and colored book. I see a movie image of a small cute fox and a cute pig as they are playing and crawling on some metal stand. Then they jump into water and swim, and I observe how in movies what looks like a difficult feat is really two easy things done separately and cut to look like one. Then in the book I am reading is a list of the training it took for the little animal (dog) to be trained. My Uncle Willis trains the animal from birth. So the list goes. Sanitary 3 1/2 weeks A. (phone #) 2\" = (only went to bathroom on floor twice). There was lots more and it was calligraphied and the huge capital letters were hand-painted. I ask my father if Uncle Willis made this book! I am impressed. My father says yes. I turn the page and see cartoons and I laugh. The first square is a car going over a cliff and lots of men grabbing at Uncle Willis, and a cow caught up innocently goes over too. The next square is a closeup of Willis in the car. Men are behind (one political party) grabbing for him and in front coming through the windshield, hands pushing him back (the other political party.) I say to my father, \"He must have been running for some political office locally.\" A small boy (3 or 4 years old) comes and stands by me and says, \"I wonder where I could buy some books for 15 cents.\" My mother who had been sleepily sitting in a chair nearby, tiredly opens her eyes and says disapprovingly and cranky, \"I wonder what you mean by that!\" (She thinks he's hinting for her to get him some books.) I put my arm around him and pull him close so he can share my book and pat him on his tummy reassuringly. My Aunt Rosalie is watching. My father says, \"Do you think it's safe to use the computer now?\" I say, \"I think so.\" I pull up to a card table near where he's working so I can companionably read and chat with him as he turns on the computer." }, { "number": "1278", "head": "02/23/89", "content": "I am seated near Howard/Arthur who hands me a valentine and asks if I had received one like this, would I respond favorably? It's wordy and long with 2 or 3 pages. The first page has hearts and the word \"husband\" in a square that moves (so different words can show in the \"window\") I say, \"Yes,\" but I'm just being polite and I think, \"I've already married you once.\" We are both pretending the valentine isn't for me and I am actually confused if it is or not, so I pretend nonchalantly, then I gather up some belongings I'd been collecting. I look in a paper sack and see sugar-free bubble gum, sugar-free M & M's and chocolate chips. There is a small, golden miniature trunk that has drawers that open up. I spill candies and am scooping them up with my hands. It's been a long time since I'd had sweets and don't want to leave any of them behind." }, { "number": "1279", "head": "02/23/89", "content": "I am shooting at a man who stole millions of dollars. I fire bullet after bullet. Several hit him in the leg or back. He flinches, but keeps running. Howard (sheriff) stands to my left. I reload the gun and throw away some spent shells. The bad guy locks himself in a vault-like place with a small window of thick glass. I load a huge empty \"dum dum\" shell and fire it at the glass. It's like a bazooka or flame thrower fire starts. I see his eye huge, scared and prominent peering out at the fire. I know I've got him now. I wonder how \"they\" made his eye so prominent. Probably colored it a special color to draw attention to it. The fire spreads and he runs out. I yell, \"Get the money.\" I start to go in, but the flames are too much. So I order four women to go in (deputies) They do, and throw out boxes with stacks and stacks of bills." }, { "number": "1280", "head": "02/24/89", "content": "I'm traveling with a group. I think we're in Alaska, looking at the wilderness, walking a track. People watch me to see if I can handle it. Stairs are steep. People are sitting on the stairs and I have to walk over them carefully. Now we are at a meeting and a friend gets voted in to a special office of importance. I get voted in to a new office. They've been waiting for someone with the proper skills to show up. A writer. I get to be historian, or scrap book person. I'm not too thrilled. Then Rita and I walk to the beach down a steep path. I look out across the ocean and I see huge waves and a heavy, threatening sky. A bad storm is coming. We are concerned about some of our group who are out on boats. Will they get back safely? I pick up some of Rita's vials and eye drop things (German Rita who is visually impaired). I don't get them all. I go back to the huge dorm-like house. The group meets. Ellie and Paulina are in swimsuits and want to go down to a little swim. I say, \"No. It's too dangerous.\" They are hard to convince, but they return with us. The male leader says, \"It's confirmed. It's SAM (the name of the hurricane.) They're even breaking out the canoes in New England. It's a big one. So get inside. Be prepared. We'll survive it. I ask if we have enough food to last. There is. [BL]" }, { "number": "1281", "head": "02/25/89", "content": "I am at a conference. I look for an elevator. I see a ridiculously small dumb waiter door. I wonder if I'll fit! I go in and see a toilet, a desk, several chairs. It's an office for the operator and quite roomy. So I go in and we travel down and then out on the street to the next location. Now Rochelle and I are going into a room. There are lesbians in there and Rochelle takes my hand. She is wearing white gloves. My hand lays inept in hers. I don't want to hold her hand because I don't want the lesbians to think I am one. I feel uncomfortable, but I don't pull my hand away because I don't want to hurt Rochelle's feelings. In another room, I hear a man talking and he mentions M City High. He's a coach. I say, \"When were you there?\" I also graduated from M City High. He smiles and says, \"1939 or 1932.\" I go into another room where people are talking about women's issues and a man is grimacing cause he's tired of hearing about it all the time." }, { "number": "1282", "head": "02/25/89", "content": "I'm sitting on the sidewalk near the gutter and say to myself, \"Wow. I'm in the gutter, literally.\" I feel unbalanced, like the sidewalk leans uphill. Then I look up in the sky and see a huge, square aircraft and three planes hovering near it. It's a fueling craft. I am amazed at how low they are! The noise is very loud. A man wonders if he should protect himself by putting his arms over his head and ducking. I go inside. A man is going to teach me something. He says he'll be the drummer and I'll improve a role. I go to a table and pick up a pair of banjos and start playing a rhythm. He has a single round drum with some feather design on the skin. He puts his drum away as I am now the drummer. I play intricate sounds and dance around. Then I stop and describe the planes I saw to my parents who seem interested but look bored. I tell what the man said and how close they were. \"I could even read the writing on it, it was so low,\" I say." }, { "number": "1283", "head": "02/26/89", "content": "I am on a bus. Three of us women are in charge of this baby. One woman breast feeds the baby. Two little boys get off the bus and into the elevator I'm in. One boy says to the other, as he's coming in the elevator, \"Did you see those breasts!\" The door shuts so that he and I are the only two in the elevator. He is red-faced with embarrassment. I want to ease his feelings, so I pretend to be deaf and ask him to tell me the floors as we go up so he'll know I'm \"deaf.\" Now I get on the bus again. The other two women go up near the front. I go up there and say, \"I knew it. No seats available up here. Just thought I'd try.\" I go back down the aisle a few rows and sit in a seat next to the baby. She says, \"Agua,\" and I say, \"I'm sorry. She (the other woman) forgot to bring the water.\" I felt sorry for her and picked her up and held her close, rocking her. She is very sweet. I am upset with the woman who forgot the water. She's up front having fun and being carefree while this baby goes without. The baby is very patient." }, { "number": "1284", "head": "02/26/89", "content": "I see a Styrofoam head like wigs rest on. Someone wants to borrow it." }, { "number": "1285", "head": "02/27/89", "content": "I am a chaperone to a group of high school kids. We get up early. I feel tired. We go to the bus and look for a restaurant to have breakfast. We get one, but there isn't room for all of us, so four of us go on down the street to find another restaurant. I think we are in France. We can't find one that doesn't breakfast. We find one that has English words on the menu: Cheese, Fish. Beef. Ellie wants to eat there. I am disappointed. I wanted a breakfast. I am in my van. Bonnie is driving. I'm in my wheelchair in the back. We stop at a gas station. I open an envelope with lots of cash in it, ready to pay for the gas. A man opens the back door and starts talking to me. He looks at the money. At first I think he's the gas station attendant. Then I realize he's a crazy man and I feel concerned. He gets out and goes in his own sports car. We start to drive out. I'm still holding the $10 bill. I say, \"We didn't pay, did we?\" Bonnie says, \"No,\" so she drives back and we drive through a number of times looking for someone to take the money. Finally we give up, feeling we'd done all we could and left. Now we are at my parents'. I have a baby with me I'd promised to watch after. I feel concerned because I'd handed her over to two different parties and maybe should be more responsible. I have a pile of clothing that belongs to the baby and my mother starts to put it away. I say, \"No, wait. I want it out here. I'll use it several times a day.\" She is annoyed but leaves it out." }, { "number": "1286", "head": "02/27/89", "content": "My mother tells me that Aunt Muriel died. I am surprised because I had just written to her because I'd dreamed about her last week. I started looking for the dream book to show my mother what I'd written. I can't find it. I pick up a child's schoolbook and read it until I realize it's not the dream book. I had been packing to go visit my mother and I find the dream book. I open it to a dream where a beautifully drawn picture is on the page and the dream was written over it. I am very impressed. I had no idea I was capable of such excellent drawing skills. It is a vague cousin V, her husband and their baby. [BL]" }, { "number": "1287", "head": "03/01/89", "content": "I'm on some kind of tour bus, going from one place to another to accomplish tasks. One stop is the hand surgeon to look at my hands. I see a mechanical mama going up stairs. A small mechanical baby rides in her wagon (her back) a \"toddler\" sized wheel is attached on the back and it's going faster than the mama and has to slow down or get cramped up uncomfortably. They bounce uncomfortably up the stairs. Now I'm on a bus. We stop. I say, \"Is this place accessible.\" I see a ramp. The bus driver thinks there are a few steps. I remember I'd been there before and decide not to go now. Josh is near the back of the bus and decides we'll all skip this stop, but four or five women get off anyway and we drive away. Josh is concerned that we will forget them and leave them. So I memorize the address, 4th and main. We go to the next stop." }, { "number": "1288", "head": "03/01/89", "content": "I am in Grandma Agnes' living room. I see a picture of Clyde on the piano, only it's not him. It's an antique picture of a full-bearded man (maybe guy Arthur). His eyes are startling: shiny, silvery and intense. It's spirit world stuff. I look around the room. A light suffuses the room. It is light from the spirit world. I feel a little scared. I hear scary music and feel tension. Nothing happens. Just the light is there. [After I wake up, I decide to meditate on that light, and saw the following images: l. A cobblestone street (rainy like London, very old that goes down and beyond. It sorts of disappears into the light. The feeling of a tunnel. I see then a cloaked figure (at first I think it is death. Maybe it is. Then it seems to be a woman. She goes into the light. 2. I see a door at a corner of a wall. It is only the open door hole, no actual door to open or close. Blackness is beyond. 3. A jail cell door swings open, I swing on it like a garden gate. 4. A face, headband, narrow, small eyes, high up forehead, bulbous nose, small mouth, bad teeth. I wonder if this is my guide. There is \"Indianness\" about it. I am disappointed at its ugliness, then I try to think of it as \"rough hewn.\"]" }, { "number": "1290", "head": "03/02/89", "content": "I am in a room. Bonnie comes in to introduce her new fiance. He is short, balding, has a moustache and is white. He has several sons. One is a midget and retarded, full-grown man. I call him \"son\" like he's a child. Bonnie takes care of him like Cher in \"Moonstruck.\" I am surprised she chose him. I feel sad, realizing I'm the only one left unmarried. I ask if he smokes. She says no. I then say, \"OK, I won't smoke in your house. I will respect that.\"" }, { "number": "1291", "head": "03/03/89", "content": "I'm at a park, some community hippie function, lots of long tables. On one table are piles of clothes for sale, used clothes. I look each pile over. A man stands near me and also looks. I find an emerald green tee-shirt (turtleneck) that's too small. I think, \"I don't like green, but this shirt is beautiful\" (like Ginny said years ago). Then I look to the next table. Picnic stuff. I think, \"This could get boring,\" but I see a band, so I know there will be entertainment. Everyone else is already seated with their food. I go to the end of a table and say, \"Is this where you start?\" A man says, \"I guess so.\" I ask where the plates are. \"Over several tables.\" So I go over and get two paper plates. I find a tiny teaspoon and dish up macaroni and cheese from a big pot. Then I go back to the food table to get a hot dog. As I'm walking toward it, a fat hippie guy says, \"I have to go to the bathroom. I hope I can make it.\" The crowd answers sympathetically. He starts to walk, then his face grimaces up as he has a bowel movement in his pants right there in front of everyone. \"Oh,\" he cries, \"I couldn't help it, and it's a hiney.\" He turns around so we can see his butt. Two pounds of butter is in a plastic sack and stapled to his shorts. Some guy jokes about it, \"At least it wasn't chili,\" to ease his embarrassment. Raul jokes, \"Is there any money on it?\" (betting he could do better). I walk to the table and see a warmer with one hot dog left. I try to lift the lid. A guy offers to help. It's a huge bun with a dozen tiny hot dogs laid sideways across it. It weighs a lot and my paper plate has trouble not crumpling up." }, { "number": "1292", "head": "03/03/89", "content": "A little mouse with tiny ears is in a box. I feel guilty because I had left it in there for a long time without food or water. Someone takes it out and puts it with other mice in a box with food and water. Its ears become huge like bat wings with a red rose painted on each one. It slips out of the person's hand and falls, but it is flexible and quick and is ok. [BL]" }, { "number": "1293", "head": "03/03/89", "content": "H and I are in a room. A man (like Nate) comes to the door. I stand there talking to him and he is staring past me into the room, scared, because, unbeknownst to me, I was lighting candles and moving them around with my mind!" }, { "number": "1294", "head": "03/03/89", "content": "I'm a stunt car driver. I'm good. I hang on as the car roars around and seconds before it crashes and burns, I jump. I am surrounded by the dense black smoke of the fire and walk out of the cloud coughing and grasping for air. Someone clamps an oxygen mask on me and we walk up the stairs. I regain my strength. We go into the boss's office and I'm very aggressive and uppity. I know I'm good and he'd better pay me well or I'll walk out." }, { "number": "1295", "head": "03/04/89", "content": "I am crawling up, hand over hand, a long pole. It's the entrance to the penthouse. I am very afraid. Maybe my hands won't hold on and I'll fall. I'm afraid of heights. Some man is with me, right behind me. We make it up to the top. His father is there. He's rich and uncaring. Now I'm on a boat in raging waters. Other women are on the boat, including a huge, 500 pound fat woman. The water is moving so fast, it's almost solid like taffy. I stand in one of the waves and push and work it with my hands to keep from drowning. Then suddenly the water dries up and I look forward and see a dried-up small creek bed with two old crazed men sitting on the bank. I feel terror." }, { "number": "1296", "head": "03/04/89", "content": "I'm walking down a road. I carry a small purse with pens in it. We are going to a party. The road goes through a house with rooms on each side. I am going downhill. It's like a hall. On the left a woman is bedridden. On the right are kitchen drawers. A small bird or two fly in. The woman in bed says, \"They like to perch on the drawer knobs sometimes.\" I find the door to the party and open it up. A very steep stairway goes nearly straight down. I close the door, annoyed. I can't go. Then a woman says, \"There's another way around the back.\" While she's clearing out stuff, I go find a bathroom. There are beds stored in there and the toilet is an adult-sized potty chair which has urine in it. I pee and it overflows. I stand up and now have a barrel stuck to my butt. It is dripping excess urine. I walk out into the hall, now wearing a robe to hide this mess. I hope no one notices." }, { "number": "1297", "head": "03/06/89", "content": "Dora and Ginny are in a hot tub together and I am joining them." }, { "number": "1298", "head": "03/06/89", "content": "I'm going to go swimming. I find the lockers and then I'm in a cafe at a University. I see my friend. She points to the exit. I pay my bill and go after her. The exit is in the rear of the cafe. A group of men are seated at a table near the door. It is difficult to squeeze through. They tease us and then make room. We go out and I remember I had a bicycle. We look everywhere and can't find it. I realize it's been stolen. My friend (Shannon or Jennifer) says I should have chained it! Next time I'll remember to lock it! I feel a little guilt." }, { "number": "1299", "head": "03/07/89", "content": "I am a woman lawyer apprentice that does all the work for the male seniors and gets used and ignored. I have decided to confront them and I pound on their rich wooden door. Just then two good old boys come in and say, \"You'll have to wait. We have important business.\" I am determined. They just smile. The lawyer comes out and ignores me. I try to say my piece, but he is arrogant and won't listen. I slam down my files and stalk out. As I go down the stairs, I see a blind man (Bonnie) who really can see, but is faking it. His girlfriend is patient and helping and is trying to guide him to the bus we're going to. He and I get on the bus. I sit on a side seat that faces into the aisle. He goes further in and sits facing the front. He sits next to the lawyer guy. He says, \"Ah! I know who you are.\" The lawyer smirks. Then John (the big bodyguard) sits on the other side of him and says, \"You'd better not mess with him.\" They exchange words and suddenly John snaps the blind man's finger and it breaks. I clearly hear the snap and see the agony of pain on his face. I feel sick for his pain. I want to help, so I suddenly say to the crowd in the bus, \"Did you all hear that?\" Many raise their hands. I say, \"Are you willing to testify?\" They say, \"Yes!\" I am delighted and feel good because I've got them now. I say, \"Good. Memorize what they said for court.\" I look to the lawyer and I say, \"And you're caught too! They heard every word you said.\" He crosses his legs and squirms because he knows I'm right. I get up and the blind man gets up to get off the bus. He gets near me and keeps peeking. I warn him to keep his eyes closed or he'll get found out. His girlfriend leans over and says, \"You were pretty good at that,\" and we realize she'd known he was faking it all along. We get off the bus and separate. I walk back up those beautiful wood stairs and I'm the lawyer's apprentice again, walking toward the lawyer's door with my file. A male apprentice says, \"What do I call you?\" I answer \"__________(Dexter?). Just like everyone else does.\" He asks me something and I answer something like, \"So I can finally get married.\" I walk to knock on the door and the beginning scene is played out again where the two good ol' boys enter again and I am ignored." }, { "number": "1300", "head": "03/07/89", "content": "I'm in a mobile office waiting for my team to come in. They do. They are great big, tough soccer players. Noisy. One is complaining because he hates the Strong Campbell Interest inventory and wants to sue somebody so he doesn't have to do it. Then another guy falls out of a bunk bed and bangs his head and drags out a box full of stuff. The first guy grabs something from the box and says, \"Hey! That's mine,\" and they start arguing and pushing. I stand up and yell at them to stop. He stands up very tall over me and snarls, \"Oh yeah?\" I gather up all my strength and yell, \"You'd better sit down and right now!\" He just melts like a scared pup into the chair. I walk away feeling some pride at winning. I explain that he'll sue whomever he wants and he'll still take the test if everyone else has to. I go outside and see I'm on a boat and some papers are sliding off into the water form the movement of the boat and the wind. I feel some concern." }, { "number": "1301", "head": "03/07/89", "content": "Rochelle tells me she's glad I've changed. She was getting to where she hated it when I'd talk long and lengthy, using phrases like \"whereas\" and other bureaucratic terms. I agree and ask her to do me a favor. I say when I slip back into my long-winded style, would she lean over and whisper, \"You're doing it again.\" Then I can continue to do better. [BL]" }, { "number": "1302", "head": "03/08/89", "content": "I'm at a Japanese restaurant. I have a wallet full of cash. A man and a woman in the next booth steal my wallet. I see them put it in her purse. I yell, \"Hey look, somebody. They stole my money.\" I could see it and pointed to it, but no one would believe me. Then they stare at me. The hit man held a gun to my head and said, \"I could just kill you right now.\" I smiled and leaned back and said, \"Please do.\" I waited, but he chose not to. I felt disappointed. They took me to a playing court (like tennis courts.) The woman had stolen me because I have great artistic ideas and she wants to paint them. She's standing at an easel trying to paint. I sit down. She says, \"I could just make you love me. But I won't.\" \"Good,\" I said, putting my feet up (I'm Walter Brennen), \"because it would never work!\" We are in a small courtyard off the main one with sliding glass and wooden doors like in Japanese homes." }, { "number": "1303", "head": "03/08/89", "content": "I try to dial a \"blues\" phone. There is urine in it like in a toilet that won't flush and it's left standing. Then it plays the blues. A woman is singing." }, { "number": "1304", "head": "03/09/89", "content": "I am in the M City house and look outside to see a giant Coke bottle." }, { "number": "1305", "head": "03/09/89", "content": "I see things with new eyes." }, { "number": "1306", "head": "03/09/89", "content": "I go into Susie S's house. It's in a run-down neighborhood, but it once was the best neighborhood, so the architecture and tile work are still beautiful, though dusty. She's going to have a baby. We see the nursery. The living room walls are white tile with brown tile square frames. In the nursery, I see a pile of old clothes of mine I'd forgotten to move into my house. I start to go through them, finding pieces I remembered I liked. Ellie is here. Then I find a pile of little kittens and dogs that had been there for a long time. I feel badly because they've been forgotten and hadn't had food or water for too long. One little kitten's paws are deformed and they are weakened. I gather them up and take them outside. I suggest to Ellie she take the littlest kitten. She'd rather take one not so bad off, one of the white ones. I get annoyed and insist she take the littlest one. Outside, my mother pours water into a bowl and I put the kitties near it so they can drink. One puppy lies on my lap, a golden cocker spaniel type. I pet it and say, \"This one likes that. She could stay forever like this. I've got a friend for life.\" Then the puppy is a child with a British accent. I ask how long she's been abandoned by her parents. \"Eleven days,\" she says. I ask her if she wants to get back with them. She says, \"Oh, yes.\" I say, OK, we'll work on that.\"" }, { "number": "1307", "head": "03/10/89", "content": "I am packing. I have to leave at 3:30 to get on the bus by 4:00. One of my students declares his love for me. His name is Harry Palmer and he has a crazy mother. He's a little plump and flabby, but a nice guy. I feel warmth for him, but tell him no. I appreciate his feelings but I don't return the feelings. He is pathetically sad. I am telling my students, two males and one young woman, about my travels. The other man is seated on the floor very close to the woman. She whines that it's her space. I agree with her and ask the guy to move. He goes to another spot, crawling under a bookshelf. He finds a filmstrip and I hold it up to the light. I say it's very interesting. Old time pictures. He wants us to get a projector and look at them. I say, \"If we have time,\" and then I see it is 2:45! \"Oh! No time,\" I say and rush off to pack. I start to pull books and papers out of a drawer and say, \"It's not like I'm going to France.\" I'm just leaving the community college for a while. I can return to get things later. I see that Harry has forgotten my toothbrush and shrug my shoulders. Oh well. I can get another." }, { "number": "1308", "head": "03/10/89", "content": "Ginny, another woman and myself have on long white dresses. We see a marimba band. \"Oh good,\" says Ginny and starts dancing. I start to dance too. We don't care that it is three women in a circle, no guy. But I am a little self-conscious about it. I look out the window and see a wedding going on. The groom comes over to talk with me. As we talk, he sits on an office chair on wheels and I sit on his lap. He hugs me close and we wheel around as we chat. It feels very companionable. I am telling him how people come up to me and say, \"So what's wrong with you?\" and \"What's your condition?\" and \"Do you have a family?\" I use a whiney singsong voice to answer them. Then I hug him and say, \"But like for you, a friend, it's OK, I want to share, but not to strangers.\" Then he says, \"Poor Harry Palmer.\" I say, \"I knew him. Yeah, that's sad.\" I enjoy being with this guy as we wheel around talking." }, { "number": "1309", "head": "03/10/89", "content": "I am in my wheelchair and go down this hall/porch. I see two girls (college age) seated at several wheelchair-height desks trying to decide whether to buy them or not. I pull up and say, \"They won't be helpful for school. Too cumbersome to carry and fold and besides, they have tables there, but for home they're OK.\" They thank me and I go on in the house. The kitchen is a mess: dishes in sink, paper sacks on floor. I start to clean out the leather tool pouch on my waist. A huge screwdriver handle I think, \"Wow that's big! And then it's a bottle of smooth liquid \"power supply\" oil. I keep that. Then I open a bottle of assorted pills and pour them out - some big white calcium tablets, some tiny white ones (cortisone) and some bird shaped ones, like in jewelry (broken). Someone knocks on the door. I answer. A man asks, \"Is this where they want info on funerals?\" I say, \"Oh. That was last week. We already had the funeral.\" He looks incredulous, so I explain. I didn't want the funeral parlor stuff, but I wanted the body to be properly fixed (embalmed). He finally shrugs and leaves. I say to Ellie, \"Go get the cat with the ribbon and sign on it and take them off her. We don't need to advertise anymore.\" I continue to cleanup. I pull out a bottle of whiskey and tell Ellie to put it on top of the fridge or wherever booze (spirits) is kept." }, { "number": "1310", "head": "03/11/89", "content": "My father and I are in a rowboat and the motor won't start. I see a big boat going by. My father is of the opinion we'll work it out and don't need the other boat. I feel we'd better get help while it's here or we'd get stranded. I call over. We hook up to them and they drag us to shore. On shore, I discover three tiny, funny creatures that are \"new,\" no others like them in the world. I've \"discovered\" something special. One is white, one is black and one is crusty colored. I call them B's Buddies. My thought comes to me that if I find something small and cheap to reproduce and sell them, I could make a lot of money! Now I come to my house and I go in and walk from room to room, naming the rooms. On several occasions, I was not satisfied with the size or type of room as it appeared in my dream and I changed it to what I liked better. A living room, a dining room, a sitting room, a bedroom, a kitchen, the children's room, a play room. Now there are two kids, a boy and a girl. They are being noisy and naughty. I push them into their room and slam the door. They are talking about sneaking out. I listen in at the door. As they try to sneak out, I grab them and throw them back in. I slap them several times. The children are very angry at me. I am angry at them." }, { "number": "1311", "head": "03/13/89", "content": "I'm on some journey. Then Maggie has a prescription for an orgasm. I experience an orgasm while I'm seated on a couch. There are other people in the room, so I drop my head down like I'm contemplating and look at the floor, concentrating on not moving or making any noises so no one will know I'm doing this in public. Afterwards I hope they don't see my flushed face. The nurse tells Maggie she came to the wrong place. I intervene and tell the nurse it's really a Birth Control Medication, so she tells Maggie to go to Student Health in the basement." }, { "number": "1312", "head": "03/13/89", "content": "Now I'm a doctor and I come at my shift. The other doctor says, \"We've got that cranky patient. He wants an operation. He wants to remove some of his intestines to make room for some extra organs, like maybe a kidney.\" I say, \"Which organ does he want?\" The other doctor says, \"Oh, he's not sure yet.\" I say, \"What does he think, this is a multiple-choice organs?\" Now the surgery is being done to me for him. The nurse says, \"Good. You are dilated,\" meaning my blood vessels in my stomach area. I feel it. Later, after the surgery, I walk slowly into recovery room. I take the soft, cushioned chair of the other doctor who also is recovering. He protests, so I move. Someone wheels him near me, teasing. I say, \"Don't you know we can't stand each other? Take him away.\" Bill Cosby as a doctor is in there somewhere." }, { "number": "1313", "head": "03/13/89", "content": "Now I am to be tested. I am told I must cross this deep canyon on a tightrope. If I fall, I'm dead. I accept the challenge. I tell myself I must concentrate one step at a time. I wonder if I can do it. I stand out and then slip and fall. I grab for the rope and catch it and hang by my hands. I go the rest of the way hand over hand, swinging my body for momentum. The rhythm was important. I get to the other side and crawl up onto the land. It is hard and I strain to get a good grip. Finally I am safely over to the other side. Then I see flames. My next test is to permit the flames to cover me, engulf me and see if I can stand the heat. I let that happen and can handle it. I am standing alone on this barren, rocky cliff and then I see a huge, ugly guy. I ask him who he is. He grabs me and holds me to him. I feel like a prisoner, trapped. I decide to try and trick him. I say, \"I'll bet I can go the tight rope walk again, want to see?\" I figured he can't follow me there, it's so dangerous. I go to the edge to prepare. There is water filled in the canyon. I think about swimming. He changes into a smaller, more handsome man. I say, \"Who are you?\" He says he's the same guy, but he changes every once in a while so he won't get lonely. I sense an Indian man standing off in the distance. Now I am told to come to the meeting, a reprieve from the tightrope. I say, \"What meeting?\" They are going to study my case. It's like a group therapy meeting and I'm the patient. Then it drifts into a teacher/counselor staff meeting. Michael R and Roy S are in another office talking about how soundproof the windows are. Then a teacher brings in some cards for the staff to critique. I glance at some and nod. I've seen them before. One has a picture of a family. I see a girl in a pink dress. \"Co-dependency stuff,\" I realize." }, { "number": "1314", "head": "03/14/89", "content": "Howard and I are at a graduation. We are seated in the audience several rows from the front. I look up the aisle and see the aqua green-gowned graduates walking down the aisle. I shake hands with one and talk with another. He introduces his wife. She sits in front of me. He says, \"I'm finally graduating.\" I say, \"I graduated several years ago.\" Then I notice our seats are changing into a bus and the wife is a bus driver and I say, \"Wait. We had good seats. I don't want to go.\" She ignores me. I feel kidnapped. I feel annoyed. I look out the window and see huge hologram-like pictures or maybe the figures are giant balloons. One figure is a gorilla with a woman dressed like in the circus sliding out of his mouth. Another figure was a woman/bee hanging in the sky (shades of Macy's Parade). A third group are like Amazon women fighting something. I comment, \"Tough neighborhood we're in.\" It's an understatement. I see the freeway stretch out before me. Howard and I are talking and it develops into an argument. He says, \"Why do you get upset and hysterical over little things like 'the wood in the morning?'\" I say, frustrated, \"Because you don't listen to me.\" He interrupts and I put my fingers on his lips and say, \"Shut up and listen to me.\" I sound hysterical like he'd described. Howard looks like he's laughing at me." }, { "number": "1315", "head": "03/14/89", "content": "I want to make love to Howard. I'm on a couch. But if I do, I'll have to always do it. It would be reopening the relationship. I lose the sexual feeling." }, { "number": "1316", "head": "03/14/89", "content": "I'm at L College. So is Howard He's going to show us all something. It interrupts a dance. We go into the next room and he starts to do an autopsy on a body. I watch the reflecting mirror above the table. I don't want to watch, I feel queasy." }, { "number": "1317", "head": "03/14/89", "content": "Bon Jori, a rock group, is playing on stage. I'm in the wings and want to rehearse with them. They do some contact improv and won't let me enter. So I go out to the audience. I'm angry and think, \"OK! You just wait and see. You'll regret that.\" I talked to the women and then one by one and told them how they wouldn't let me join them. We all agreed to get up and walk out during their performance. We do. I step out the door and open it back up to let other women through. I hear them stop playing, in confusion calling out, \"Hey lady, where are you going? What's going on?\" Some men in the audience wanted me to tell them what's going on, but I chose to only talk to the women. I feel revenge. I see the audience only half full and smile." }, { "number": "1318", "head": "03/15/89", "content": "The house is a mess. If my mother, Lydia and I work together, we could get it all cleaned up. Then I go outside along the road and pick up papers. I throw away toilet paper and gunk. I keep some small bottles and things I think are pretty. I'm going to school. I have my schedule of classes and I look to see what my next class is. It's Hollywood at ll:30. Then it changes to Spectra or something sciency. Now an old man in a car picks me up. He drives us into a building. He has a key that unlocks the door and the elevator. He tells me to pull the key out of the box for him. I think we're in a big Cadillac." }, { "number": "1319", "head": "03/16/89", "content": "I am running in fear. Something is after me. I run across the hall to Theresa's door. I call out, \"Theresa, Help me.\" I am temporarily covered by the protective wings of a huge bird. I enter the house and call for Theresa. Her family comes downstairs and asks coldly, \"What do you want?\" They block me from Theresa. I must run. I go across the hall. It is in hot pursuit. I make a phone call. It doesn't help. I see it. It is Burt Lancaster. He has a huge rifle. I shoot at him at the same time he fires at me. He won't die. I feel fear." }, { "number": "1320", "head": "03/16/89", "content": "I am to go for a short journey to visit a woman near or past Dover or Vancouver. I ask if it is near the French border, near Paris. I sort through lots of stuff. Hank asks me what I'm going to do as he is ready to leave. I say, \"I'll go to work for a few days and then I'll go visit her.\" He goes out to the car. I then decide to catch a ride with them. I look in the window. Every space is taken. Some older woman has put her plastic packages of clothes and stuff in the car; they hang from the back of the front seat. Four people sit in the back. Mateo is one of them, the closest by me. I say, \"I'll sit here with the baby on my lap.\" I go in through the window, feet first. It's a tight fit. I ask Hank to unroll the window more. He does so grudgingly. The driver says, \"Where to?\" I say, \"To the woman's house, but could we stop first and get my van and then I'll follow you up there? That way I'll have my own wheels for coming back.\" We agree. So we stop. I get out and go up on a fire escape balcony to get my stuff, bags of clothes. Some woman asks, \"Should we wash all of them?\" I say, \"No. Just the ones she'll use.\" Then I sit, with a baby on my lap. I pick up baby clothes and pile them up. I see pillows and pick them up (square and flat). Each one has been embroidered by my Aunt Millie. I choose one with \"Rats\" on it to use to sit on for my \"bums.\" The rest I toss one at a time behind my shoulders. Aunt Millie is standing there." }, { "number": "1321", "head": "03/17/89", "content": "Dolores M is trying on some clothes at a store. I see that the hooks to hang the clothes are way up high too high to reach. They follow the slope of the stairs. I say, \"That's silly. Why did they do it that way?\" Dolores has very heavy makeup on her face. She's here to interpret for the deaf. As I am standing, talking to her, two or three men of color, one black, one or two Native Americans, crowd around me very close. The black man is softly kissing my neck from behind. The Native American man is to my right, talking softly. Another stands some distance from us, but he and I are talking with our eyes and occasionally words. Now I'm seated in the front row. A show of some kind (fashion perhaps) will soon begin. I see a baby and ask to hold it. His blankets are all wrinkled up, so I lay him down on the floor to straighten the blanket up. I end up with the baby in a metal box that cramps the baby's legs up. I hold the baby to my chest and am concerned if it can breathe because the metal lid has closed. I open it some and say, \"Boy, this baby sure doesn't like this!\" I feel a little sorry I'd gotten it in this predicament. [BL]" }, { "number": "1322", "head": "03/17/89", "content": "Removing books from my desk. Cleaning up." }, { "number": "1323", "head": "03/17/89", "content": "At some store, I ask a man where the bathroom is. Up on hill, I go up and sit on toilet. I contemplate sleeping there, but decide to find a camp spot." }, { "number": "1324", "head": "03/18/89", "content": "I'm in a foreign country, Russia perhaps. I'm trying to escape and nearly get out when someone notices me and calls me over. I am worried. They are going to ask me some questions about my birth certificate and if I don't lie well, I'll get caught. I try to remember which name I should use and decide on B. I do OK by tricking them and sealing the envelope I've written the answers in before they can read them. I leave." }, { "number": "1325", "head": "03/18/89", "content": "Ellie introduces me to Jerome G. He and I like each other immediately. We hug and kiss and are very loving. He has a blue cat that looks at first like a spider and then is a cat. I pet it lovingly. The three of us are on a bed. Ellie comes in and I get concerned, but he says, \"Don't worry.\" Then we get up and go into the living room. His housekeeper fixes us a lovely dinner. I thank her for her kindness. She tells me this is her night off." }, { "number": "1326", "head": "03/19/89", "content": "Something about being/or moving in a new way, a new form or rhythm." }, { "number": "1327", "head": "03/19/89", "content": "I go to a man's house. It's a mess: dishes in the sink, beer bottles and full ashtrays on the dining room table. I start to wash the dishes. He comes home from work. He is tired and not very handsome. He is upset with me for interfering. I apologize and agree not to do any cleaning. So I ask him for the computer information I came for. He goes to his computer and I look out the window while I wait. I see lots of trees and I think they are very pretty. I notice one tree in particular. I think, \"Why it's a mandala, the way the leaves form a lovely circle,\" (like an umbrella tree). Then another tree has leaves shaped like shovels (work crane shovels). The mandala tree has leaves shaped like birds of paradise. A woman comes to the window to talk to the man. She'd been picking berries in the field across the road. She invites him to a dance. He shrugs. She says, \"Don't you want to meet eligible women?\" He agrees. I feel a little left out and think, \"Well, what about me? Aren't I eligible?\" I have a feeling he and I are going to get together lovingly." }, { "number": "1328", "head": "03/19/89", "content": "I am at N City at an intersection. Lots of traffic and I wait for an opening and then find it and pull out and drive safely on the road, feeling good." }, { "number": "1329", "head": "03/20/89", "content": "I had taken a written test and the woman wanted the papers. I went over to the couch and got them and brought them to her. She says, \"Oh, you haven't filled out the information part.\" I groan and sit to write. \"The questions,\" I say, \"are harder than the test.\" I see they want my mother and father's names. I write their names and then can't find the right line to put it on! There are a series of questions that require the answers \"very\" or \"very much.\" I usually choose \"very much,\" then some guy demands to come in and my husband and I refuse him. We are busy with this test and he is interrupting. He's very angry and tries to force his way in. We block the door. Then he pulls a gun. He holds it on me and threatens to kill me and also rape me right in front of my husband. I jump him and we wrestle for the gun. I finally get it and run outside and hide it and come back in and hide beside the couch. Some woman tries to cover me with an afghan while the guy's not looking. I hide behind the couch, sandwiched between two huge couch-sized cushions." }, { "number": "1330", "head": "03/21/89", "content": "I am flying into outer space; no space ship, just my body. I land on a planet. There are bad creatures there like zombies that take over your body. Some of the people are already taken over and you don't know which one is which. One is coming after me. He's got a ray gun and starts to pour purple rays into me. I fire back. He laughs. It won't hurt him. \"You might as well give up,\" he smirks. I increase the rays, but he only laughs more. Suddenly I slow the pulses of the rays down. Now he's in trouble. He falls, stunned. I pick him up and slam him time after time against the ground, which finally kills him. Now I'm another person watching and I say, \"Take his gun.\" We go into the jungle, uphill. Many other people are there too. I say to my companion, \"Lots of them are the enemy already. For all I know you may be too. If you make any funny moves, you are dead.\" We walk carefully up the hill through the jungle." }, { "number": "1331", "head": "03/21/89", "content": "My baby goes into my Grandma Mildred's bedroom and wakes her up, only it's Grandma Agnes. I go in after her, shushing her and taking her out. I see in the kitchen that Grandma has started a pancake breakfast. I try to flip the pancakes so they'll cook, but it's messy. Then Sonja comes in and I walk out with her. We are in the back seat of a car. She is very caring. and hugs me. I return the hug and tell her thanks for the books she sent. I particularly liked the Beverly Cleary one. Sonja smiles and says, \"But what about the other one? It's more important.\" I say, \"It was interesting trying to weasel out of having to say I haven't read it because it's a Christian book.\" I get out of a car and start hitchhiking. A street cleaner (huge vehicle) yellow, stops. The woman driver looks at me and I say, \"I'm going the other way for a few blocks. Is it OK?\" She says, \"Sure,\" and turns the machine around. Then she hops out and pours coffee in pretty china cups for the male crew. I think about her dual role of independent career woman and then being the server of coffee for men. Then the vehicle becomes five wheelchairs all hooked together in a row. We take off." }, { "number": "1332", "head": "03/21/89", "content": "I'm on a stage in a play. I do a bit and the audience applauds. I go off stage and change into my \"Beaula\" costume. I put white, drippy paint on my hair and beads that clatter down the center of my head and down the back of my head. Co-worker Juliet is there. I want to do a good \"Beaula\" for her. I think she's lesbian. I go on stage and the audience roars with laughter. I love it. Three other characters are on stage talking about my character. One man is homosexual and makes a joke. Someone asks if he does OK with his girls. He smiles and says, \"Oh yes, I do well enough with 'my girls.'\" It means he's got a double meaning there. I come back on stage and do this great wheelchair dance, first in duo with someone in a manual and then a wheelie popping solo. The audience loves it and applauds. Then I go for an encore bow with a Rose (a commercial product) and the audience is nonresponsive. I walk out on a stairway that is closed. The audience is blocked to me by a wall and I know they are there but I can't see them. I work hard to get them to respond. They finally do." }, { "number": "1333", "head": "03/23/89", "content": "I'm going to my school. I pass through a hall filled with booths that sell junk foods of all kind. I say, \"I'll probably not eat much, but it's nice it's available.\" I get into an elevator. It goes up and then sideways. I travel a long tunnel which I think of as dragon's breath. It is smoky with misty swirls. It stops at my dorm room #451. I go in. My roommate asks which setting of light I prefer. There is \"brilliant\" and \"dimmer.\" I choose brilliant. She wants dimmer. I give in to her. Now I'm on a couch and Jon sits next to me. He touches my breast and I lean over and whisper to him that if he does that again, I'll punch him in the face and yell out loud so people will know. He backs off a little, but hangs out close by on the couch." }, { "number": "1334", "head": "03/23/89", "content": "H is happy as she explains to someone how Merle and I are opening up to intimacy. I wonder if she's jealous. I explain that it's true, but I've chosen not to follow up on it with Merle." }, { "number": "1335", "head": "03/24/89", "content": "I am laying in a bed in a living room. Jared is laying on the couch across the room. It's night and we're getting ready to sleep. He starts talking about his beliefs in aliens in space. Something interrupts him and he stops talking. I do not encourage him to start up again, and then I wonder if his feelings are hurt, so I start the conversation again, saying how interesting I find the subject. I noted in the dark room that a gumball machine had been put up on the wall under Tom's picture. I think, \"Who had the nerve to decide where to put my gumball machine?\" I am annoyed. Then I notice we have fleas. I think about Howard and wonder if, since we never make love anymore, if he has affairs on the side. I decide that it's OK if he does. A woman says, \"Oh, I think he does. I once talked to a little girl who said he was going to be her daddy soon.\"" }, { "number": "1336", "head": "03/24/89", "content": "I am a kindergartner or first grade teacher. I can't remember which because I haven't been doing my job lately. The room is a mess. Things are all over the floor, furniture stacked. I'm talking to a woman, I think it's my mother. Archie sits on a chair and I put my head in his lap as we talk. He feels uncomfortable and gets up, still talking. He gets something and returns and sits. I sit up so he can sit in the chair and I lay my head on him again. Sensual, pleasant. I was thinking he didn't like my liking our friendly contact. I turn on lights. We are now in a kitchen. Marjie Lawrence comes by. We are shocked by her appearance. She looks a little like Thea. She wears a scarf over her head, big 1950's glasses and heavy eye makeup. She looks sick. My mother says, \"Look, here's Mabel,\" and I say, \"I didn't recognize you.\" She says, \"Yeah!\" Her eyes are giving her trouble, some disease. I see gunk on her eyes. She's trying to cover up the bad look with the scarf and glasses. She's embarrassed. She says, \"Lord! I'll probably have to talk with Jerry!\" I say, \"Shh! He's around the corner.\" She looks caught. She stands up to leave and suddenly water pours out of her, a bladder accident. She stands there, disgusted, but can't stop it so just lets it flow. A young woman walks by and stares. Mabel just shrugs her shoulders. I get up out of my wheelchair to get paper towels to help clean up. I feel good I can do this. I want to ease her embarrassment. I tell her this has happened to me before. We are cleaning up the floor and a woman says, \"Can I be of help?\" I say, \"Sure. Come on in.\" She helps sweep up pieces of cut paper that are littered all over the floor." }, { "number": "1337", "head": "03/24/89", "content": "The acting class is putting on a show. In order to see, I go up on stage, on the lip before the curtain. 2 girls are singing and a man is playing the piano. I don't see the man, only the piano, but I know they all met at a class and got together. The women are singing a blues song. The curtain, which is a white burlap-like cloth, is stuck so only a portion of the stage is visible. I sit on a chair in the corner. Bonnie is with me. At the end of the song, one woman clicks her fingers and a square spotlight pops on. She hopes to get in it. Then the curtain opens up. I thought it was broken, but they had deliberately had it closed to focus on just their act. Now the scene is tables and chairs like in a cafeteria. The women borrow Mateo to be a part of the show. Bonnie is very proud. She has a magnifying glass and looks at the audience. \"Look at them,\" she says. I look. I say, \"They look like a film clip of the Nazi audiences.\" Bonnie says scornfully, \"You would see that with just your glasses.\" I feel angry at her. I look and see it is so. I again use the magnifying glass. Now I see huge people. The women then sing another song where Mateo slides on his butt across the stage. They shove him and whisper, \"Come on,\" because he's not sliding right. He whizzes past us and off the stage to the audience floor. Bonnie is very angry and gets up in a huff. She won't stay here any longer after that! I sit her down and hold her shoulders and say, \"Stop it. You are being too sensitive.\" She huffs off. Some women students are walking past me to go to the audience. One pushes her program into my face, across my eyes. I grab her hand and pull it away sharply. \"That hurts my eyes,\" I say. \"Oh, it's just a soft piece of paper,\" she says. \"It gave me a paper cut,\" I reply. She apologizes. A guy comes out on stage and does a monologue to some women in the audience. They come up on stage. They are \"planted\" student actors. One woman takes my seat because she's tired. I stand there, wondering if I can manage. I see a picture that is funny. Two pages with a hole cut out of the top one so my top half is superimposed on the bottom half of another picture. It's my back. I am in the wheelchair. The bottom half is a little girl on a tricycle. I think it looks strange. A student (woman) is late and says, \"Start the scene without me. I'll get my props and be back in time to hop out of the envelope.\"" }, { "number": "1338", "head": "03/26/89", "content": "I'm in a gym, like at a graduation. It's time to leave and the crowd is moving very fast, especially the freshmen. I go slowly and carefully so I don't get knocked down. Across the way is this good-looking guy. He watches out for me. I see him outside and pass several friends as I make a beeline for him. I'm very happy to see him. He's glad I chose the safer way of walking out." }, { "number": "1339", "head": "03/26/89", "content": "I'm at a school. I'm outside. It's time for the children to come in. Some of the boys run and play hide. I yell at them to stop playing around and get in here now! They hide in the grass. I hold an umbrella and go over and poke them. They get up, except one who doesn't move. I realize he's dead and I pick him up quickly and pull out a clod of dirt from his mouth and give him artificial respiration. He regains his breath and I yell to the boys, \"Go tell Claude (my good-looking friend) so we can take him to the hospital.\" They run. I carry the boy and joyfully I see Claude has gotten the word and runs for a car. He meets me and we get in. The kids are all screaming that they want to come. I tell them that to be helpful they need to quiet down and back off. I pull one boy off the car. Then I look down at the boy's face in my arms. A clock sack is over his head and I say tenderly, \"I saw you smile!\" I feel relieved. He's going to be OK." }, { "number": "1340", "head": "03/27/89", "content": "A young man is interested in photographing me. I lie on a table and try different poses. I'm very selfconscious because he is encouraging me to look sexy and I tell him, \"I don't think I can do that.\" His woman assistant brings me a plate of very spicy, hot sauce foods. I take a taste and then explain, \"I can't eat those kinds of foods because if it's scratchy or spicy, it could cause my throat to spasm.\" I suggest we drape the table with black fur. They then push the table out to the edge of the cliff that overlooks the sea. The young man is very young, like in high school, and yet he owns this huge house by the sea. He houses lots of children that are homeless. He makes his money by collecting things and selling them. I comment that I tried photography and did pretty well, and after I fix my camera, I'll do it again. I remember I'd always wanted to have a relationship with a photographer but this guy, although he really likes me, is far too young. I see a picture of a baby's face and it unfolds to become a woman's face. I am very surprised. I look at the waves and see a Conestoga wagon from years past being washed up on shore. I tell the young man so he can collect it and make lots of money. There are lots of younger children around us. We take care of them and care about them. Now, I'm looking out the window at the sea. He stands next to me and says he really likes me. Maybe if I wanted, he could grow up and we'd marry. I smile sadly. I say, \"That's very sweet, but unrealistic. I am 45 years old\" (I was embarrassed to tell him how old I was). He pauses...45!...but he accepts it. I move away, feeling sad. A woman friend comes to talk to me. She tells me that \"Dwight\" has completed my rooms, so we go to look. I had found a wonderful old wooden wardrobe with lots of books in it and got it cheap for only $30 dollars and Dwight was going to build a room to put it in. My woman friend takes me to the door, which opens two ways. We go out to a quiet, austere room with bunk beds and lots of books - I suspect this is Dwight's room - and into my bedroom. He chose aqua marine green as the color, flowered curtains and a bedspread like in (Agatha Christie's Room). I say, \"Oh, no books.\" My woman friend says, \"Oh well, the Road Master chose not to build bookcases.\" \"Well, we'll see about that,\" I say. I am not upset. I just know there's a reasonable explanation. I peek into a small, adjoining room. It's a dressing room. All my clothes are hung on special racks I can easily reach and there are hand rails so I can stand supported. I smile. He thinks of everything. I try on a dress. \"Oh! How fat I look,\" I moan, upset. The friend tells me to not be worried, just be what I am. We rearrange the long sash and then I see five or six pink beautiful dresses that are all alike, hanging up. I say, \"Oh! these dresses. Just in case there's a wedding.\" I wink, hoping she takes it as a joke, but I realize I'm serious. One of the dresses is for a small flower girl. I look back to the bedroom and see a window. I look out and see a flowered courtyard. To the right is a huge picture window. \"That's a lucky person,\" I say. Then, in the room I see a door. \"Is this the exit?\" I say. I walk through into a kitchen. I realize then that he's built me a complete suite. The cupboards are the right height and depth for me to easily reach things. Only the foods I like are on the shelf: pizzas, cans of hamburger casserole, \"corn chip brand panty hose.\" I go around the corner and see my picture window and, of course, all my books! I go out into the courtyard, only it's a sort of garden room, \"where you can have a party if you want,\" he says. I walk to him and hug him. He is grown now and the right height. My woman friend tells me he's really older than I thought. He'd actually dropped out of high school for some years to build up his business, so he's more like 25 or 26. It's still pretty young, but more acceptable. I am so grateful and touched that he provided so accurately for my every whim and desire. We are just standing there close and feeling love and being loved. (Insert scene after photography session.) The table becomes a circus train. The woman friend is up in the engine car on the passenger side. Dwight is the engineer. Then he becomes the Head Family Man, the boss that orchestrates the details of keeping this family together. A married woman is being promiscuous and I see her coupled sexually with a midget. Dwight tells her to stop." }, { "number": "1341", "head": "03/28/89", "content": "I'm going up a mountain trail in my wheelchair. I see the crest of the mountain looks like a huge eagle-type bird. It's so real, I think I see real feathers. Then as I approach it, I see it is a real bird, only smaller now. I'm a little afraid of it. Now other members of my group come up. Each one tells me they have four or five in their group and have other things to do, so they won't be joining my trek. I am concerned and say, \"I understand you'd like to do this other thing but everyone is pulling out and I can't make it with only two women to help in case my wheelchair gets stuck.\" The man (Tim) says, \"Are you listening to what you are saying?\" I say, \"I know, but it's true.\"" }, { "number": "1342", "head": "03/29/89", "content": "I am Buffy St. Marie, and Frank Sinatra comes by and likes me. We kiss. He's concerned that he's too old for me, but I assure him I like him just fine. We go to my mother's house. She pulls strands of beads (Indian Wampum beads) off a peg and gathers them up for my dowry. I notice she's not bringing them all and we insist she bring the full dowry. She does not approve the marriage and doesn't like me, but she reluctantly complies." }, { "number": "1343", "head": "03/29/89", "content": "Bonnie and I are on the side of the road on a journey. I rescue a small girl in the middle of a heavily-trafficked road." }, { "number": "1344", "head": "03/30/89", "content": "I am in the back seat/trunk of Ginny's car. She's backing into a gas station to get a tire fixed. I say, \"I've done this before.\" A good-looking Spanish/Mexican guy is driving. He and Ginny are trying to decide what night we should all go out and have fun. Wed. night is suggested and I say, \"Sure. Sounds good to me.\" Then he turns and looks at me and says, \"Are you already taken?\" meaning do I have a relationship with Hector? I say no. He smiles. I get out of the car and find us all now in a tall thick tower. We are way at the top. He has a small baby in a pink sling strapped to his chest. He's going to take care of her for a while. I think that's neat. I look down and get scared. I say, \"Ginny, how do we get down?\" She says impatiently, \"You climb down.\" \"How?\" I cry out. She points to a spiral tower with lots of coffee cup-like handles all around it. \"Just step on them and go around and around until you're down.\" \"I can't.\" I wait. She looks at me disapprovingly, like I'm acting like a baby. So I try. I grab a handle and put my foot on a toehold. The tower sways and goes around and I cling, going down one scary step at a time." }, { "number": "1345", "head": "03/30/89", "content": "I'm in an exercise class and then go to my dorm where I'm a head resident and feel rushed, needing time for quiet without people, but not slowing down to get it. I go to a cafeteria to get some food. I want a glass of milk. A boy hands me his cup. It had milk in it, so he rubs it clean and gives it to me. I thank him and pick up a pitcher to discover it is water. Another one has gravy in it. No milk. I buy some cheese, please and chips." }, { "number": "1346", "head": "04/04/89", "content": "I am remembering a tragic time I call the Sorrow of Tears (Summer of Tears). I see in my mind's eye my people's things being destroyed by the murdering whites. I am seething in anger and revenge and sorrow as I see them dump over a huge trailer with our house, who are killed. The feathered headdresses and staff are broken and defiled. I am heartsick. But in great sorrow, I realize I cannot kill in return. I pray for my hurt people." }, { "number": "1347", "head": "04/04/89", "content": "I am in a house next to a larger house. A woman is afraid. Some evil man might come out of the larger house and enter my house and kill me. I lock doors and feel terror. I get in bed and suddenly realize I've locked myself in with the woman (she's in bed with me), and in fact she is the evil that is trying to kill me. I run, afraid, and fight her off." }, { "number": "1348", "head": "04/04/89", "content": "I am in bed asleep. It is a small, narrow room. Ellie is asleep in a single bed across the room facing me. Theresa (client) sleeps on the floor by my bedside. [drawing is shown in journal.] She wants to be comforted. (Theresa slowly slinks up into my bed, hoping I won't wake up and throw her out. I am very aware that we are both naked and am concerned because it is not proper to let your client sleep with you. But I also am aware of her childlike need for comfort. I feel the softness of our skin touching and wonder if this will be sexual. But it doesn't feel that way. I pat her curly hair and arrange a barrette, thinking maybe no one will find out. I let her sleep (all the time I was pretending to be asleep myself)." }, { "number": "1349", "head": "04/04/89", "content": "Merle and I are talking about the IBM floppies that I loaned him. At the same time as I'm listening to him, I am interested in reading a 25-page letter of introduction on this woman that I find interesting. It is hard to concentrate on two things at once. Merle is explaining how a man lent him some floppies and I said, \"I'd like to copy them.\" He said, \"The man wouldn't approve.\" I say, \"Hey, he doesn't mind getting mine, but he minds sharing his?\" I don't like it. I see trees in the yard out the window behind Merle. Meanwhile, I am reading backwards from page 25 to 1 of this woman's history. I am surprised to learn she is from a black family, as she looks completely white. But there is a picture of all her relatives and they are all black. One of them, an Aunt Ana, is surrounded by police. Some notoriety is attached to her. Merle says, \"Don't feel bad. Even though she's written a lot, only one book has been published and it's only sold 22 books,\" (20 of them to her Aunt). I see her book collection and I'm pleased. We have the same reading taste (Jr. Classic books from V. shelf). I wonder if she is a lesbian." }, { "number": "1350", "head": "04/04/89", "content": "I park my wheelchair in the hall out of the way of traffic. I go into my apartment. It's a long, narrow hall. I lock the door and leave the light on. I go through the next door to the living room and leave that door open so in case someone tries to break in, I'll hear them." }, { "number": "1351", "head": "04/04/89", "content": "Something about families. Abner and Uncle Wilbur." }, { "number": "1352", "head": "04/05/89", "content": "My husband (Harrison Ford), my two sons and I move to a new house. It is spacious and well built. Lovely. We are going through the rooms, looking. My husband is an intense, crazy guy that keeps to himself, but now he is walking in the house with the oldest son. My husband has a hurt foot and he leans on the son and they race together like in a 3-legged race. I watch and feel good at their moment of closeness. Then my husband releases the son, who goes outside and I watch in a growing horror as my husband prepares and then dies. He uses a white wire coat hanger, with the hook cut off, to stab himself in the forehead. I wonder how he can stand the pain. Then he pours gasoline on the wire hanger and lights it. I realize he's going to burn himself to death. The flame slowly goes up the hanger and catches to his hair. I wonder at his taking such a slow, painful death. Surely there are easier ways! Finally he is consumed in flames and falls over stiff and charred. I go to him and feel the stiffness of his arms. Then I succumb to intense sadness and mourning. I weep and refuse to leave the house for weeks. We are in a new house, a new town, and I know no one and don't search anyone out. After several weeks, an older man comes to the door. I open the door and look out at the neighborhood. I see a small store (grocery) nearby. It all looks pleasant. The man invites me to friendship, but I refuse. He leaves. Later, I decide the two boys and I will go for a bike ride. I ride my husband's old bike. We go down a perfectly straight path (sidewalk) to its end where we see a beautiful ocean and marvel at the waves. There is a house next to the sidewalk. It is the old man's. His butler opens the door and invites us in. At first I hesitate and then we come in. The butler immediately takes a bath in the curtained bathtub in the living room. The boys go play. I sit and talk about the ocean with the man. He smokes a cig and I am glad because then I can smoke. I go to check up on the boys. They'd gotten into some things in another room, a series of wooden cut outs, pictures. One series spelled RUNAWAYS. I was supposed to rearrange the letters to form a different meaning. I think the old man has cancer. Later we are in a race and he and I run together, winning. Someone says, \"It was set up that way by her husband. He ran the race last year and chose to tie with the old man and then created the rule that next year the same people would end at the same place in the race, so it's only fitting that Rabbit 2 (his wife) take his place.\"" }, { "number": "1353", "head": "04/06/89", "content": "I go into a bathroom, and when I open the door, I see a dirty old man sexually hitting on two kids. I slam the door shut fearfully and run to a close phone to call for the police. Then I realize I'd left the kids in there with him. Before I have to go back in there to get them, he lets them out and then he comes out to get me. I retreat back into the room. He is a horrible, mean man. Now there's a little mouse he torments. I wait for the police to come and save me. Somehow he goes away. I go back in the bathroom and look around at his lair. I see shelves and a secret trap door into the attic. I pull a chain of beads that somehow represent my Aunt's eyes. She's dead many years. I shudder and go up the shelves to have a look. Perhaps there is treasure up there. Maybe he's up there, or a trap. I am scared and then throw myself up quickly and peek around and zip back down quickly. I do this over and over, each time using my arm and hand to sweep out of the attic anything I touch, hoping like crazy I don't touch anything awful. There are dust, dirt, layers of rotted away stuff, but nothing else. Then I see a lighted glass case that has my \"Aunt's\" favorite things. They are glass articles: statues of head and shoulder, pictures of her in her favorite pose, hats with feathers, coiffured wigs, pretty things. I guess she liked to see likenesses of herself." }, { "number": "1354", "head": "04/07/89", "content": "I meet a used car salesman, Mike R. We go on a tour of Russia. I receive letters from disabled people who enjoyed my writing. One woman simulates a 9-day camping/fishing trip with her husband because she was so inspired by my writing. Our group sees a train that has finally been made wheelchair accessible. It's run by FIRE. And that is repeated in an important way. I see the ornate circus like cars with tubes of steam and fire coming out of it. I walk ahead of the group and run, enjoying the movement. I go too far and they turn left and I run back to catch up. I see a slow MR woman at the end. Then I have a conversation with a Russian boy (teen). He says something about eating something. I am shocked because if he eats it, it will be harmful to him. He is doing it as a sacrifice. I say, \"Bear and Eagle, there is a difference. I would never do that\" (harm or kill self for sacrifice). I have my books and try to sell them. I buy a mineral water and a grape soda (both l/2 full) at a store. At first, I was going to take them, but decide to be honest." }, { "number": "1355", "head": "04/09/89", "content": "A young woman hugs me. She likes me. I say to the group as a joke, \"Hey. We've been going steady for 45 minutes, it's time to have an anniversary (reunion) party.\" I walk away. Spencer Tracey and I leave. He's helping me. There are two vans exactly alike and people are putting my things in the wrong van. I show them it's the wrong van because the passenger side window has cracks in my van. So we transfer my boxes and papers to the right van. I am impatient. It's taking too long." }, { "number": "1356", "head": "04/09/89", "content": "A man is helping me to get away. He's walking through thick mud and dragging me. He gets a stretcher so it's easier. I am annoyed and complain about how he's not doing it well enough. We come to a country border gun. He hands the woman guard my papers, but they aren't the right kind. She calls over this guy. I am using the man's name and I memorize it so I won't blow the crossing. The name is Abduhl Ram Neish. Twice we try to cross. Then they give me the correct paper and then another man comes out and whispers to my man and I ask what he said. My man says, \"So, do I look Swedish?\" meaning he'd chosen a Holland name but looked dark-complected and Arabian. An error. They take him away. Two small boys are with us and I tell them to stand over there, where they will be safe. Then several men come to me and say, \"Come with us.\" I realize they are going to kidnap me and at first I feel like giving in and just doing what they say. But then I change my mind. I say loudly, \"Hey! These men are trying to kidnap me! Why are you kidnapping me?\" I loudly keep up this monologue. They are very angry and shush me but I don't stop. I'm attracting people's attention and the men give up and go away." }, { "number": "1357", "head": "04/10/89", "content": "I'm in a living room. There's a big storm outside. My three daughters are with me. I've been packing clothes. Dovre and I go into the kitchen to cook something. I heat up something like a tortilla on the stove burner and then show Dovre the beautiful design that got burned into the thing. It's a silhouette of a stately old-fashioned woman. Now there's something about pancakes. Then Paulina is cooking spaghetti stuff that will be dinner, but is also some kind of xmas ornament being made. The red globs of decoration are also a sauce for the spaghetti. We made a sail boat and a cathedral. Paulina puts the spaghetti on a plate. I say, \"That's not enough protein.\" She plops on beans. I say, \"We need meat.\"" }, { "number": "1358", "head": "04/10/89", "content": "Now Ellie is pushing me in a manual wheelchair. We had decided not to use the power chair, too many stairs. We are going to look at an astronaut exhibit. We pass a man who has a disease and I wonder how he can stand the pain. His nurse also has the disease. We struggle to get to where we're going, but keep coming up to stairs. We see glasses all in a row and Ellie decides to buy Paulina a gift of four glasses (small, decorative drink glasses). I point out some, but they are expensive, so Ellie gets some at 50 cents each. She also buys a monkey for Paulina. We take the monkey to her and I suddenly ask a woman, \"But how can we fly it to Houston, Texas? This will not work. We'll have to return the monkey.\" I pat it on the head like a cat. It starts to nuzzle my finger and I'm afraid it will bite me with his hard, sharp teeth. But I am surprised it only sucks on my finger like a baby, no teeth." }, { "number": "1359", "head": "04/11/89", "content": "I am being hunted down by Lorne (Lucy's ex). He is an evil man. He's trying to kill me. He coaxes me into the back of something like a pickup and I realize he intends to run it over the cliff and to kill me. At the last second as it is going over the cliff, I hurl myself out and claw my way back on land. He didn't see, so I crawl into a garbage area at this little roadside counter. I fall asleep from exhaustion, hoping I'd made the right choice of staying so near. I hoped he'd think I was dead over the cliff, and baring that, that I'd run far away in terror. I wake suddenly realizing he and his men were there. A man stands right next to where I am. I hold my breath in fear they will find me out. This man nearly does but I luck out. They go away. I then run as fast as I can back toward my home (a castle many miles up the mountain). I remind myself to walk on rocks and hard places as often as I can so I don't leave trails. I pass houses and beautiful Alpine meadows. Now a young man is with me, perhaps a brother. We come to his castle. He says, \"You wait here, I'll go in and talk with my sister to get us help.\" I close a big thick book I'm holding and say, \"I will go with you. Why didn't you want me to go with you?\" I am suspicious. We go in, now finally I am in my home castle. The evil man is coming for me. He's at the gates and hurling insults and threats as well as arrows and spears. My brother succumbs and starts to open the gates to him. I bellow in fear and fury, \"NO!\" and rush to the castle walls to cut the rope releasing the boiling oil that I had placed there secretly. My servants had put it there at my orders. The oil pours out all over the evil man. They scream in pain. I throw a fire brand down and burn them to cinders. I stand there, exhausted. My brother is wounded. Then several goddesses come down from on high and touch my brother so he may be healed and live. They touch me too and say, \"Now you are one of us. You are immortal now. No one can hurt you. You are safe.\" \"But I'm not ready yet,\" I say. Now I am Phyllis G, singing a Wagnerian opera to a man I loved but never told. I sing, \"If I could say what I must say, I would say....\" It is a very sad and powerful song." }, { "number": "1360", "head": "04/11/89", "content": "I am seated next to a young man who is a beginning practicing Ninja warrior. He's doing an intricate knife dance where it looks like he has four hands he uses to spread the fans or fabric out smoothly with intricate hand movements. At one point, he starts to move his foot to help out, but stops and looks at me to see if I saw. A real Ninja wouldn't have been that amateurish or clumsy. I smile as I watch. This other guy and I (like kids) suggest we all go practice and play Ninja. He hands me a knife and I swish it around. Now the visiting team shows up. I go out into the hall to get a drink of water and see, at the end of the hall, the room where we will have the competition. I go in. There is water and towels. After some ritual movement, I wipe up with the towel. The Ninja seems quite secretive and happy. He keeps saying, \"Good, now we'll soon know. We've got samples now. We'll examine them and then you'll get your own flag (ship?).\" He leaves, muttering to himself, \"I know how we'll get it in, but I don't know how we'll get it out.\" The feeling is this is really an alien and he's going to renovate me (my body) in someway. I feel honored and a little scared. I pass a guy (like Coach) in the hall and say, \"They said I get my own knife.\" \"Good for you,\" he says as he walks by into his office. \"And my own flag,\" I finish at the closed door. There is a pause and then he opens the door, grinning to me in wonderment. He sits down, inviting me to come in and tell him all about this extraordinary honor. He's at a loss to understand how or why I've been so honored. I start coughing and feel a spasm in my throat coming on. [I wake up coughing like a near spasm had occurred.]" }, { "number": "1361", "content": "(04/11/89)[can't remember the dream but woke up with this one image.] I was talking out with someone, advising them, \"Revenge. If you want revenge, they always need to be doing something, then just slow up and don't do anything.\"" }, { "number": "1362", "head": "04/12/89", "content": "A group of us are watching TV. Five of them cuddle up in a group and I'm seated in a chair perpendicular to them. I say, \"Hey, now I can't see the TV,\" because they moved it. So I move over with them. I'm right next to them but not \"in the group.\" A policeman is on TV. They are talking about his history. He's Indian and was once a chief. (They show him in his headdress.) Now he just passes for white. A man comes in to fix the thermostat. I say, \"But will it get too cold now?\" He assures me it won't. The child is being stubborn and difficult. She wants things to go her way. I try to comply, but get tired. As the mother, I follow her. She goes through a box and comes out in another room. I follow. I see a man with a gun. I hide in the closet and the child has a gun and shoots the man. She looks for me for reassurance, but I'm hiding." }, { "number": "1363", "head": "04/13/89", "content": "Elliot is at the beach. He's written some stories. I offer to read them and give him feedback. I worry that I'll hurt his feelings if he isn't any good. Then a woman comes over to me and says, \"Pardon me. I think you should know that in mid-August the seas will part.\" I see behind her the seas parting and then a tidal wave rushing in. She says, \"Those who go to church will go to one side, the others to the other side.\" This man is very arrogant and so we won't get married. An older woman steals Fluffy by putting her in her purse. I hear her crying and open the purse and let her out. \"Is that you Fluffy?\" I murmur. People keep trying to steal her. I say to someone, \"That's the third time.\" Now the man goes up a long, narrow chute. He is not afraid. Men come sliding down the chute yelling, \"Look out!\" Rock slides are coming down in a rush. Suddenly, the man realizes he's in danger and slides for his life, the roar of danger loud in his ears. He escapes with his life and is now humbled and wants to marry me. He follows me around, kissing me." }, { "number": "1364", "head": "04/15/89", "content": "I'm in a house and must rush to shut the doors because the killer bees that got my brother Jake are coming for me. I don't want to see Jake because it would look horrible. I see the outline of the angry horde of bees in the metal door. They are literally pushing straight through the metal. I run for outside, realizing that's stupid; they'll find me easier. So I decide to fly. I go way up and realize it's very, very bitterly cold. I could freeze to death. I see a door to a room and Jerome is in there. So I decide to dive to warmer air, but the winds are hurricane force and buffer me around terribly. I struggle. Also I'm driving through clouds and can't see anything, so I don't know where the land is and could crash any moment. I pull the cord on my parachute. Bad mistake! The winds drag me all around. I feel with my hand for trees and mountains and crash very painfully into trees." }, { "number": "1365", "head": "04/15/89", "content": "Wayne R has a computer. He's got it on a cart and going down the hall. I follow, asking questions. We go to a room where he sets the computer up. I ask how many bits because it seems small. It only has 630K. Then I type for him. He kisses me passionately. I respond and kiss back passionately. Then I say, \"Oh no! You're married,\" and draw back sadly because I want him. Then another man and his secretary come in. I set up their computer. He codes in lots of numbers. It's for playing games. They crowd our stuff over and I end up sitting in front of a tiny portable typewriter. I get it out of there and try to fit in the cramped quarters. Now I'm driving home. I'm parked in a wide spot next to the freeway. I'd put up a sign advertising puppets. They were the man's and I'd show how they work to people. A carload of people stop. The woman wants to see the puppets. I say, \"You bet,\" and go to the back of the van and dig around. I can't find the puppets. I find a computer part that opened up into a puppet like a transformer toy. I take it to show the people saying, \"Sorry. He took the puppets with him. But I can show you these. Plus I've written two books and have hand puppets of the characters. I'll show you those.\" The people are disappointed. I'm improvising and wish I'd never started this whole thing. The woman offers to go take the sign down. I ask Ellie to go find my hand puppets. She doesn't want to, but does." }, { "number": "1366", "head": "04/16/89", "content": "I'm riding my horse through this swampy, muddy, icky water. The horse drinks and I say, \"I get sick just looking at that water and how that horse can stand drinking it, I don't know.\" She is chest deep in it and I'm concerned she'll lose her footing." }, { "number": "1367", "head": "04/16/89", "content": "I'm taking a mechanics class. I'm in a wheelchair. I ask permission to open the hood of the car we're working on and try to diagnose where or if there is engine trouble. The teacher sneers and says, \"Sure, go ahead and try\" (we haven't covered this in class yet). So I look at the engine. I turn knobs and pull dipsticks out. I have trouble deciding if the engine is l quart low or not and do the dip stick twice. I decide it's l qt. low. I'm doing well, to the teacher's and class's amazement. Then the engine is on and there are sparks and little zigzags of electricity. The teacher goes in and crawls on the engine. I say, \"Be careful.\" Later, he is walking away from me and has my journal book. I race up to him yelling, \"If you don't give me my journal, I'll take this hammer and pound in your fucking head.\" I sufficiently scare him and he gives me the journal." }, { "number": "1368", "head": "04/16/89", "content": "I enter a lovely huge room where lots of people are. I walk past a long dining table toward a second room where I'm told there are Dee Dee's rich Uncle's glass bell scales. I look in and the room is filled with beautiful glass objects. We're not supposed to go in yet. So I see Dee and decide to go sit by her since she has a rich Uncle. I pass up a wooden high chair and sit on a wooden dining chair. I remember she was always refined and smart, so I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that she has a rich Uncle. Later I decide to choose a room and at first go to a plain room out of habit. Then I say, \"Wait.\" I look around. I mentally review all the rooms and, since I don't see any I like, I envision one I'd like to be there. It's all glass, a balcony and it has beautiful glass and crystal objects that shine rainbows like a prism all over the room. I use this room to write in because I become mesmerized by the lovely rainbows printing about the room, and I go into a trance, so my writing comes up straight from the subconscious." }, { "number": "1369", "head": "04/20/89", "content": "I'm in a huge house. I am seated on a couch with Bonnie. Some woman is teaching us something. Then it's time to go. I get up and pick up a heavy pack, a purse and two other carrying things. They are heavy and I put them on. Then I see some of my hand-written stories under the cushion of the couch. I'd been sitting on them. I pull them out, glad to see them, and have some difficulty keeping them in the right order. There are no page numbers. One is a full page of dialogue about a girl crying. I pack them into my pack and start to walk away. I see letter, an empty glass, etc. I say to Bonnie, \"I'll clean that up later. I'm tired now.\" But I then realize that it will be days before I return and other people will use this space. So I decide to clean it up. I take the stuff to the trash can and put the liquid into a sink. So we go out to a long curved ramp rather than the stairs. Bonnie and this woman go ahead of me and call out directions. We get to the bottom and the woman says she'll get the patient named Sam to UR tomorrow. We are impressed with her determined, positive outlook. It normally takes months to get someone in to UR. I feel something falling out of my shirt and I catch it. It is a miniature velvet pouch that I had put in another shirt. I am surprised I haven't lost it and am pleased. So Sam comes over and starts talking. He asks me what would I do if I had the farm. I answer by saying I'd want to have a relationship because it would be too much to do alone or I'd hire someone to help. I specifically don't want to do the ugly chores (shoveling manure, etc.) Then I get into a car, in the back seat, and we drive past airports with planes taking off and I see two mechanical people that are a promotional stunt for the airport. They do interesting tricks. I turn to watch as we pass. Then we stop and an invisible Sam signals he wants me to get out and go over to him. I do so, but feel hesitant. Sam grabs me, hugs me and kisses me. He wants a relationship. I don't." }, { "number": "1370", "head": "04/22/89", "content": "Friday. I decide I'm going to take a bath. I start the bath water and remember I need a certain piece of clothing that is in another room. I hesitate about leaving the water running, but decide to chance it. It's not far and won't take me long. I go out and down a long ramp to a big room that has counters like in a business office. I go to the back of the room to the bathroom, but the woman boss (Ann Bacon) is very agitated. They are very busy and I'm interfering. She says someone else is taking a bath and I must wait. I get anxious, wondering if my bathtub is overflowing. Finally, she reluctantly lets me in. I nod my head to the old skinny guy in the tub and say, \"Excuse me.\" I get a piece of clothing and a purse off the shelf and go back out. I pass rows of counters. I bump one. It's on little wheels and rolls a little. I try to get it back like it was, but it won't, so I give up and hope Ann doesn't get upset more. I'm now walking up the ramp and I'm slow and tired. I try to walk faster, now very worried about how long I've been gone. The water is probably all over the floor and it will be a terrible mess to clean up, and I'm late already for an important something. I try to find an elevator and I do. It's in the library, but it won't go to my floor. So I get out and see stairs only. They go up, hit a platform and an escalator, conveyor belt thing as sloped down the other side, only it's rolling me back up to the platform. I go back where I came and finally get to my bathroom. The water is at the very top and has spilled over just a little. \"Just as I imagined it would,\" I thought. I take off my clothes and see two men in the room. I decide I have to go to the bathroom and pee. I say to one man, \"See we're like brothers and sisters. I can take off my clothes and pee in front of you.\" I am a little uncomfortable, but feel trust that it's OK. [There's a real sense of trying to prepare for a special occasion and being late and many things going wrong.]" }, { "number": "1371", "head": "04/22/89", "content": "Saturday. I go downstairs to a room that is in the basement and sort of secret. I'm hiding. I lay on a table on my tummy. It's like a massage table. I'm facing the door with a window. I see people coming in search of me and hope they don't see me, but they do. They ask me why don't I choose one of the \"roomettes\" nearer the bathroom. I look around and see like partitioned spaces and choose one fairly close to the bathroom. Now I've been captured by a girls' school and am inside. I look around for a way to escape. I look out the window and see lots of bumpy rocks in a steep incline. We're on the 2nd or 3rd floor. I say, \"It would be hard, but we could get out this way.\" My friend says, \"No. They'd see us. It won't work.\" I give up. They come to take me to another room. As I leave my friend, she says, \"I'm pregnant.\" I grin and say, \"Good for you. With who?\" She says, \"With Timothy. I'm one month along.\" Just previous to this, I flew out of the room like I'm in a helicopter and hovered over a secret place in the rocks where naked men and women are together. So I see a big auditorium and the woman says, \"Your group is called_______.\" I say \"Do you mean that the Birds are now captured and will work for you now entertaining and that's our new name?\" She says, \"Yes.\"" }, { "number": "1372", "head": "04/24/89", "content": "Monday. I go to Lucy's house to have breakfast. Lots of pancakes and good food. Lorne comes later and I am not happy he's there. I frown and grumble. He bumps into me and I pull away. I'm annoyed at Lucy for still having him around. After breakfast, Lucy, Justin and I go for a walk. We are talking. We go into a school. We see the students' art work on the walls. Now we go into a classroom. Bonnie is teaching. It's a chorus class. A well-dressed professional woman comes in to guest lecture, but the class is comfortable, casual and inattentive, so the woman leaves. Bonnie lectures them on their bad manners. I tell them this woman came to offer them her knowledge and they could have been more respectful. A group of men (seven or eight) get up and with noses in the air, walk out. \"Good riddance!\" I say and we continue the lessons." }, { "number": "1373", "head": "04/24/89", "content": "The elevator won't go, so I jump ten stories, hoping I won't hurt myself. I'm amazed at myself for daring to try it. I am OK and then walk lots of stairs. I see large masculine-looking women dancing together. One looks over at me and I look away. I don't like her." }, { "number": "1374", "head": "04/25/89", "content": "I am going to look over Howard' house to decide if I'll buy it. A man shows me the basement first. There are pipes that have liquid running in them and they are for heating. They are noisy and brightly lit. I think, \"I'd change that.\" I see the man's room and servant's quarter. The bed is tiny and fills the whole tiny room. The walls are slanted like in an attic and I think, \"How uncomfortable! Stingy Howard.\" We go up to the main living quarters. Now Howard's first wife (like his mother) follows us around. She's uppity and doesn't like me. The rooms are spacious and rich. I am in awe, particularly the kitchen! It goes on forever, sinks and preparation areas and more sinks and stoves and refrigerators. I step up to one sink and a conveyor belt moves, under my feet. I nearly fall over. Dovre says, \"Be careful, that sink looks too complicated and sophisticated.\" I see a plainer sink and feel relief. I see a door that opens to a restaurant's kitchen. Howard bought it from them. A man comes in; he's the owner of the restaurant and wants the kitchen back. I feel a strong desire to have this house and feel afraid he'll get it and I won't. Howard says to him, \"I haven't decided who will get the house. Maybe I will sell it to you.\" I turn away, hoping passionately I'll get it, but I don't want Howard to know it matters to me. I'd longed for a ritzy place like this and now can almost afford it. Now I get on an airplane, a small, private one. My father is piloting. We are going to see the house in his home state. All of a sudden we tip up and pull high into the sky. I see we had a fender bender with another plane. I get nervous because my father's driving like it's a car and doesn't have flight experience. I tell him, \"We should call in a flight plan and get an assigned altitude.\" We arrive at the lovely rich house in Howard's home state. It's at 8200 feet and I wonder if I'll have trouble breathing at that altitude. I seem to be fine." }, { "number": "1375", "head": "04/26/89", "content": "I am in a house putting the dishes away, trying to decide where my things should go. I like the back bedroom, which has a bathroom and a small room adjoining it, but I have a baby and a 4-year-old, so I move into the front bedroom, which is smaller and a lavender color like a former house I lived in. There's a bathroom near it also. I put the baby in a closet for its room. I look around and see a sink in the room and then the baby is calling me. I go over and see that she's nearly naked and crawling out of the closet. I say, \"Oh! You have a wet towel on you; that's not good.\" I pick it up and take it away. Then I see her diaper has fallen off so I pick her up and get a fresh Pampers. She hugs me and says in a sad voice, \"You left me in there with a wet towel.\" I said, \"I know. I'm sorry.\" She says \"And no diaper!\" I apologize again. \"And no blanket! What were you thinking?\" She scolds. I do feel bad and soothe her and say, \"I'm getting it now. I won't do that again!\" She continues to ask me questions about a conversation she overheard from the doctor and I try to explain she'll feel comfortable. I say, \"It's perfectly normal to visit the doctor once every two weeks until you're six months old, and then once a month. And when you are a year old, you should be in your own room. I look down the hall at the other bedroom and wonder if I should move the baby and me back there. I say to the 4- year-old, \"I do like the back bedroom better.\" The 4-year-old says, \"And I like this one better.\" \"Good, that works out,\" says I, then I realize I'd still be sharing a room with the baby, and then I remember the small room to the side. The baby leaps off the bed and heads for the back bedroom. I look startled. She calls back to me, \"This is something I must do. I'm all right. The 4- year-old, very mean and jealous, starts after her. He's going to hurt her. I call out to him in a stronger angry voice and force him to return. I grab him by the shoulders and shake him, saying, \"You leave that baby alone!\" I am very angry at him." }, { "number": "1376", "head": "04/27/89", "content": "I am in my room. It is small and beautiful. The curtains have stars and moons on them, symbols of the cosmos. There is a typewriter. It seems to be a room for spirituality and writing. It is cozy and just right. John, a co-worker, comes in to give me a message. He seems nervous and klutzy. He'd knock over some papers and then have trouble getting them put back together. The roles were reversed. I was relaxed and calm and tried to soothe and reassure him. I leave the room. I see a huge, beautiful crystal on a table near my door. I admire it. Bonnie is there. Then Nate comes in. I am so glad to see him. We look at each other longingly. Bonnie goes and gets the van. She drives. Nate and I hug and lay down on the bench. It is so sexually exciting. I am throbbing in anticipation, but worried about if he has AIDS, is he still married, and is he still an alcoholic? We talk. Then we're at the movie house. It's the same one we were last together at. We enter through tiny door holes in the wall. Bonnie and Nate go ahead. I enter and see racked seating and can't locate them in the crowd. Then I see Bonnie waving at me. I'd walked too far in, so I back track and go to them. She was seated next to him but moves over so I sit beside him, between them." }, { "number": "1377", "head": "04/28/89", "content": "I'm in a room, seated in a rocking chair in a square pen (like a play pen). I am holding a 2-year-old baby in my arms. She's relaxed and resting. I am rocking and cuddling her. We are going to nap together. My mother shows me a gift she bought for my father. She got it months ago at the Expo. It's for xmas. It's a big fold-out display with things on it. I lay down with the baby. Now we're in a tent. I place my head near the rear flap to get fresh air. Someone points out how badly the fireplace chimney is smoking. I say that's because of the high winds. Lots of smoke is coming through the vents and the fireplace/stove looks swollen like there's lots of pressure from inside." }, { "number": "1378", "head": "04/29/89", "content": "I'm looking for some papers. I put some in a table and it turns out to be a mailbox. I see the phone book and other papers slide down a glass slot. Jennifer H calls and needs one of the papers. I explain what happened to it. Arvonne is getting ready to leave, to go to school. Bonnie is around. A young man in a wheelchair like Russ comes. He's demanding and arrogant. He expects everything to be done for him. He says he's the exchange student for the St. James Infirmary. He goes into a bedroom and I realize with a sinking heart, I'm the only one left to help him. He calls over the intercom when he needs something. He was very smitten with Arvonne's looks." }, { "number": "1379", "head": "04/29/89", "content": "The answer or info is with the V 's." }, { "number": "1380", "head": "04/30/89", "content": "I'm with Arvonne. We've been captured. We decide to escape. There are lots of musical audio tapes. I put mine in with hers and then when its time to leave, can't find mine so I leave them, regretfully. We go out to hitchhike but she's already called a boyfriend who drives up at that moment. She gets in. I am hesitant and then slide in the passenger side. He drives and I start to feel safer as more distance is covered. They'll never catch up to me now." }, { "number": "1381", "head": "04/30/89", "content": "Judy Healing." }, { "number": "1382", "head": "04/30/89", "content": "I kiss my children goodnight and lovingly tuck them in. One baby is upside down in bed and I laugh and pat its bottom and say, \"Come on, now.\" It turns around right and I gently tuck in the blankets and kiss it goodnight. Very nurturing." }, { "number": "1383", "head": "05/02/89", "content": "I'm going to teach some people basketball and I'm calling them to gather around. I see that the hallway is too narrow and small and I tell them to go upstairs to a larger space. They are slow and complain. They are the parents of school children. One asks if we'll learn tennis. I say, \"No, that's for spring. This is winter and we'll learn basketball.\" Finally I get them gathered together. I had looked down the staircase which is very long and lots of stairs and hoped I didn't cause problems for any disabled ones." }, { "number": "1384", "head": "05/02/89", "content": "A guy like Mitch suggests we go out and have coffee. I agree with caution. Maybe I like him, maybe I don't." }, { "number": "1385", "head": "05/02/89", "content": "I have miniature furniture on a shelf. Dora's phone number is there. Someone wants it. Later I have a camera, tape recorder, watch thing. Then I can't find the time. I can find the year, but not the hour and minutes." }, { "number": "1386", "head": "05/02/89", "content": "Gracie Allen" }, { "number": "1387", "head": "05/02/89", "content": "I went down a steep path and now had to go back up. Ginny is with me. It is muddy and straight up a cliff. I work hard and get up to the top. I then throw down a rope and pull up my wheelchair." }, { "number": "1388", "head": "05/02/89", "content": "I hear the guitar class starting and I pick up my guitar and a chair and go in, trying to be quiet because I'm late. G is playing and I try to follow along. I look at the strings and wonder how I'll manage with my arthritic hands. I sing along. The music is beautiful." }, { "number": "1389", "head": "05/02/89", "content": "I must get the train at 4:40 p.m. and I had bought tickets to the ballet for l:00. I asked Ernie and Ginny if the ballet lasted two hours. They said maybe only one hour. I'm sad because I won't be able to go because I'll miss the train." }, { "number": "1390", "head": "05/02/89", "content": "I am in a bed semi-sitting up. H, Phyllis G and others of my women's healing group are there. The meeting is over and they are leaving. Hasani puts on a black leather-like coat and I see she's wearing shorts, but strings are hanging down like they are frayed. She and Phyllis are talking and I don't want to interrupt them, but it is important to tell Hasani so she won't go out like that and be embarrassed. I interrupt and they both look at the strings, which now looks like parachute pants legs that had been stuck together with a wad of gum. They clean the gum off and then they leave. Just as soon as they leave, I fall into a sleep and see purple images before my eyes. I feel sensual. It is pleasant. Then I see the faces of a man and woman kissing and I sigh and say, \"I want that now. Yes I do.\" I really feel sad and wanting. Then I fall deeper into the sleep. I am aware of Hasani's image or spirit just behind my right shoulder. The room has changed. There are painted flowers or strawberries on the walls. I am curious about why this room. It is unknown to me. Then I feel waves of feelings sweep over me like a rush of goosebumps and become very still. I realize the spirits are in me to do the healing. I see a man enter the room, wearing black clothes, good-looking in a slick, Mexican way. Someone says, \"Here is the devil. He has come too.\" I think, \"I don't want the devil.\" So I called to the good spirits, the white light, and brought in more of them. My left leg slid off the bed and my foot was on the floor. I was a little afraid because the devil might be there, but I was paralyzed. I wanted to swallow but could not. I felt the spirits in my throat, healing it. I felt them all through my body. I saw giant cells and realized the spirits were in my DNA changing the coding so my arthritis would go away. I was pleased and in awe and observing all this while I was awake, but also aware that I was asleep and dreaming. I stayed with it as long as I could to get the most healing out of it." }, { "number": "1391", "head": "05/02/89", "content": "Now someone has checked the fluids in me and I see a plastic vial with some pink stuff in it. Some bad stuff is still there. We hadn't gotten it all out. There are two doctors then. A good one and a bad one. The good one had left me in the care of the bad one and the bad one deliberately didn't do part of the procedures so that I wouldn't get healthy and might die. They are going to do the procedure again and the bad one is smiling. The good one says to him, \"Go on with what you were doing,\" and prepares to leave. I sit up and call out, \"Wait. No. It must be you!\" He agrees to stay. Someone says, \"She must have 20 immersions in ice water baths quickly.\" Now things are going to be all right. I grab the breathing tube I must use that sucks out the fluid on the lungs and suck hard to help. Someone says, \"She looks scared.\" I nod. I am; and determined." }, { "number": "1392", "head": "05/04/89", "content": "I am alone on a desert island and have been there for 10 years. I am naked and live in a cave and have all I need, except companionship. I see a boat landing and men coming up and out of the surf. I go there and the captain is threatening them with a gun. He follows me to my cave and ask me lots of questions. How old was I when I got there? Nineteen years. How old am I now? Twenty-nine years. He showed me a map of N. America and W. Germany. Did I recognize my island, Nol? I'm more around south, but I did see the scientist \"Roe\" that he is looking for. \"Did you have sex with him?\" I angrily ask, \"Who do you think you are? My father?\" He follows me and wants to go into my cave where I live, but I am aloof. I had not given him permission. He waits. I start to warm up to him." }, { "number": "1393", "head": "05/04/89", "content": "I see a small black car with a man and a woman in it up the hill from my cave and marvel at how quickly they got to work. They are looking for something like \"Roe\" did - plants maybe. Then I see Ellie and the baby. She is writing her name on the mud wall of the cliff, Maria. I am amazed at how smart she is. We cuddle and talk." }, { "number": "1394", "head": "05/04/89", "content": "I am getting out of my wheelchair to go into the bathroom. I start to do a dance and although I move slowly and with some pain, it feels good to do these dance movements. I go into the bathroom and I see a pretty village scene when I look down into the toilet. I am talking to someone just outside the door. I am looking up my brother Dwight's telephone number in my blue address book, but I can't find it. I see: Corinne 470, Lydia 475, A.S, Halloween 472, Kesi, Keshi, Kassee. There were other words and numbers. I laugh at Lydia and I'm nostalgic about the Halloween event. [BL]" }, { "number": "1395", "head": "05/04/89", "content": "I see a pretty plant. I want to grow one and ask someone how I would do that. He says we have to get permission to dig a pond, and I say, \"I own this land. We can dig here.\" He starts to dig in the front lawn but I say, \"No, I want it here on this plot in the back yard.\" I see a very green space of lawn and open windows around it. He shows me different plants. I am particularly interested in the \"Umbrella Plant.\" He shows me one that has no roots and he lifts it up. I worry that will kill it, but he says, \"No,\" and puts it back on the sand. I say, \"I want to help.\" So he sets me to the task of cutting off the tops of gallon plastic milk jugs. As I'm doing this, Bonnie comes by. She's very tired and stressed out from work. It's a Monday. I empathize with her." }, { "number": "1396", "head": "05/05/89", "content": "The spirits came to me from the four directions from the four flags." }, { "number": "1397", "head": "05/05/89", "content": "I'm in a large music/band room, cleaning things up and putting things away. A curtain needs to be repaired and cleaned. I find lots of crystal glassware. I put it on a shelf. There is drawer of drumsticks (for drums). I make a label for it." }, { "number": "1398", "head": "05/07/89", "content": "Lots of people have the middle name \"Xavier.\"" }, { "number": "1399", "head": "05/07/89", "content": "I am a Chinese empress and my counterpart is having an official formal dance. I am concerned that she might be my enemy. I go to her and hold out my hands that she may kiss them. We talk to each other in an elaborate, formal ritual. I say, \"Do you meet today with good intent?\" She kissed my hand and bows her head and says, \"Oh, honorable queen, I am at your service.\" Those aren't the words, but that style is right. I feel relieved that she is still loyal. I watch the women dancers. They are modern women wearing black modern shoes and black pants and shirts, but over the black outfit is a red sparkly net material, like in India. They are lined up and dance in unison." }, { "number": "1400", "head": "05/07/89", "content": "I need to talk to Matt. He has done something wrong and caused some trouble for my organization. I overhear some other members of the organization that we need a new secretary. I think, \"That is fitting the punishment to the crime. He can be the secretary and help out.\" That will undo what he had done. I open the door to go in search of him and I see him standing there! I am surprised and pleased at how the universe provides exactly what you need." }, { "number": "1401", "head": "05/08/89", "content": "I am preparing to be in a play contest. I struggle backwards through traffic as the crowd is all coming to see the play and I am trying to get around to the stage door. I'm in my wheelchair. I get back there and start talking to the other two actresses. I am nervous and suddenly remember that the play \"Juba\" isn't today! Thank goodness, because I don't remember my lines on that one, but I'm OK on \"Rueben.\" Then I realize I'm playing two characters, a woman boss and a secretary. I choose two or three hats and try them on. The other actress says, \"That one is too big. It will distract.\" I agree and then start to really get nervous because if I add the bit of switching hats, I'll forget my lines. I say, \"Let's run lines,\" and the other actress says her line, \"Don't you have all twelve done?\" I respond, \"There are three jobs times three,\" and then I realize those aren't the exact words. 3x3 doesn't equal 12. I really feel panicky now. It's twenty minutes until curtain and I can't remember the lines. My memory has gone blank. I pace, saying, \"What will I do,? I can't remember my lines.\" The other actress eyes me in disgust. I say, \"If only I could carry the script book or tape it.\"" }, { "number": "1402", "head": "05/10/89", "content": "I am putting on gray or silver high heels because I've been called up on stage on the Donahue show and even though it hurts, I want to be there, so I put out the effort." }, { "number": "1403", "head": "05/10/89", "content": "I have two husbands and I live in a run-down, spacious old house. I'm hiding the passport of one of my husbands. It's a small blue square tied to a red candle (like I got at the 2nd healing ceremony). A dog goes in search of him and walks through a room entirely filled with crystal glasses, vases, and dishes. The dog is large and knocks over a beautiful kerosene lamp of blue glass. I regret its breakage and want the dog to be more careful." }, { "number": "1404", "head": "05/12/89", "content": "I am in a pickup and camper parked on the sand next to the ocean. I am looking for a small green rowboat that is coming in over the surf. I think, \"That could be dangerous.\" I see one, but it's not the one. I look out and see the ocean tide rising and approaching my truck. I say to my father, \"It's nearly up to the wheel. We'll have to move.\" I start to back up, but some one right behind me has opened up a brown box in the sand, sort of like an engine cover and he's fixing something. I say, \"Hey, could you wait a minute on that so I can get by?\" He just stares at me and then continues. So I go around him, realizing I could have done that anyway. I didn't have to ask him to move. I go to a house. I walk up a flight of stairs and at the landing, I see a bedroom. I go in and look. It's not for the guests. It is the owner's private room. I see a comfy bed and a fire going in the fireplace. I say, \"How nice!\" I see hundreds of books on shelves all over the walls. There's a mesh screen nailed over them with wooden strips to keep people from taking the books. I look at how they did that. Then I leave the room to continue up the next flight of stairs, only I'm called back downstairs by a flaming redheaded girl child. I approach her. She's outside looking in. She says, \"Come downstairs and look. Quick!\" I look at the long set of stairs and say, \"No thanks! This is hard enough.\" Now I am going to my son's second grade class to see how he's doing at his new school. I fervently hope he doesn't have to sit next to the redhead. I am relieved to see he's not. The male, young teacher has me sit with three other parents who are also observing. He says, \"I'll bet you'll feel better after seeing the actual situation your son is in.\" I agree. There is a box of audio tapes another parent (couple) has brought in. I choose some to borrow that deal with self-awareness and growth. I put the rest back in." }, { "number": "1405", "head": "05/13/89", "content": "Someone looked at my hair and said, \"Do you like it?\" I said, \"Oh yes. It's soft and pretty. I like my hair.\" There was a feeling that my hair looked bad in that it wasn't \"properly\" fixed by culture standards, but it was surprising that I accepted and liked me as I was. [BL]" }, { "number": "1406", "head": "05/14/89", "content": "Something about Ginny and Bonnie and that I'm going to have to work like hell on relationship." }, { "number": "1407", "head": "05/14/89", "content": "A man is in an antique shop and I'm thrilled they have a thing I've been wanting. The man says, \"Just a minute,\" and goes away. I wait and wait, looking in drawers and seeing letters and poems and so on. I see him on a couch, talking unconcernedly with a woman. I walk over there to look at the books. He's a little embarrassed. I'm a little annoyed at him, keeping me waiting for no good reason. He points out some 45 records of Elvis of the 1950's. I almost decide to buy one, but decide I didn't really like him then, so why bother now? The man spills (pours) Pepsi down his shirt front and I laugh at his clumsiness." }, { "number": "1408", "head": "05/14/89", "content": "I am very busy with a cleansing task. I have four long containers with white, thick liquid in them that I must clean some bad substance out of them (sugar?) There are lots of interruptions. Finally, I throw one into a river to get it clean." }, { "number": "1409", "head": "05/14/89", "content": "I am in a large school room crowded with students. I am telling them, \"We've forgotten to do our rituals.\" I spread sage leaves over things and lay objects on dishes (like Indian ways). It is important to get back to the right way of ritual." }, { "number": "1410", "head": "05/18/89", "content": "Theresa has a huge dinosaur egg she is putting back together. When it is reassembled, there will be a baby dinosaur, alive and well. I watch." }, { "number": "1411", "head": "05/18/89", "content": "Hank is my assigned counselor by the community college. I am looking for him. I go down two flights of stairs to 206. I find his wife, who says he's still napping because they are heavy on sports on Sunday and he's resting. I'm a little annoyed because he's supposed to be there at this time. Then I look into a big room where counselors are meeting. I see Phyllis G. They leave and I see Hank. I say, \"So you've come.\" He smiles suggestively and makes sexy jokes. I laugh, but only to appease him and slap my butt which is in a red pair of shorts with a broken seam-zipper at my asshole and say, \"Lots of acreage!\" We laugh." }, { "number": "1412", "head": "05/19/89", "content": "I am seated and look down at my toes. They are black. A toenail all black and blue had fallen off into my hand. I am disgusted by this. I turn to Hasani and say, \"What do you suppose this means?\" I say, \"It looks like it represents that a part of me is dying.\" Hasani says, \"I don't think any part of you is dying.\" She felt very positive about what it might symbolize." }, { "number": "1413", "head": "05/19/89", "content": "I am seated on a small stage area talking. I put on a furry hat (Robin Hood-like shape) with a bouquet or corsage of flowers on it. Some bad person comes up to us and I put on the hat and discover that I turn into a small fairy like Tinkerbell. No one can see me. So I hide up in the curtains. Then I flit down and move things, which confuses the bad guys. They look around to find me, but I hide again. Then I pick up a stick and pound the helmeted head of a bad guy, thump, thump, thump! I dent the plastic mixing bowl. They are astounded. Then there are two of us and she doesn't have her hat on and so is big and visible. The bad one sees her and realizes what's going on. I sit there and she sees me, even though I'm small with the hat on. She has learned to see us, so I'm not safe anymore. Now I go to a photography class. A door jamb frames a room of people dancing. A woman in red is very graceful and I take pictures, and then I get up and move around to get different perspectives and better pictures. I get close and see my own actions a part of the picture. I hold the camera out as I dance with them. Then I want to see the pictures. I open the photo envelope to see how well I did. They are pretty and interesting. One photo is a composite where a picture of a baby was cut out and pasted on this photo and has something to do with why I became visible as a small fairy." }, { "number": "1414", "head": "05/20/89", "content": "I am in the Army and we are all laying in rows on a giant bed. I look at a woman whose arms are so skinny they look like Olive Oyl's arms. She has a flat chest like a boy's, no breasts. She is ill. Her clothes and things are in a pile and some of mine are mixed up in with hers. She gets up and goes to her room, #409. I pick up my things and then decide to bring her things to her. I look at the room numbers and find #409. She's laying on a double bed in there. I give her clothes to her, and she gets very angry with me for taking care of her. She can do it herself." }, { "number": "1415", "head": "05/20/89", "content": "Now I'm in the audience waiting for the show to start. Our main headliner star isn't going to show up, so a band starts up with music and I go up to pinch hit for the missing star. I sing well and then get into a blues song and the musicians really groove. I impress everyone. Then they continue and I get off the stage, get my jeep and drive it around so I can be closer to the stage, parking in an (obvious) no parking zone! I go back up on stage to sing." }, { "number": "1416", "head": "05/21/89", "content": "I have to go to the bathroom and I open the stall door. The toilet seat is way up high. I'm looking up at it. On the ground under it is a row of cigarettes and tobacco sacks. One is labeled \"Sexless Tobacco.\" I reach up and pull the seat down. There isn't a toilet, only the seat." }, { "number": "1417", "head": "05/21/89", "content": "A girl is being noisy and interrupting. I get into a power play with her. I insist she be quiet and polite and I shake her. I put her in a high box. She starts goofing off and I insist she sit on the outside lip of the box so I can keep an eye on her. Then later I swim alone in the pool, relieved to have a few moments of quiet time. [BL]" }, { "number": "1418", "head": "05/22/89", "content": "I'm in a big, lovely house and am walking through the rooms. I come into a saloon or library. Some people are there waiting for me. I realize I teach a class and can't remember which lesson we are on. I whisper to my secretary to get me a copy of the workbook so I can get ready. I'm not worried. I know the material well. I see Brian K and we talk. He says he is an alcoholic and lowers his eyes, ashamed. I feel attracted to him. He had been swimming in the pool and I find his jockey shorts and have my attendant go wash them. I go back to my room and then return to teach, bringing the clean shorts with me. When I get there, I am embarrassed and don't want to just hand him the shorts. I am afraid he'll consider me pushy and meddling. So I put them in a corner shelf and ignore the problem. Brian has a stepson. The boy keeps a scrapbook and I find it, a diary. I start to read it because I want to know how his father thinks about me. I see photos done by the cosmetic/drug company that sponsors my talks, pictures of the customers in pretty clothes and flower corsages. Then I read about his father, but can't quite follow it all (on different pages, etc.). I have to go to the bathroom and go up to my bedroom. Arvonne goes by and I tell her of how I dreamed about Brian K and how he looked at me [a dream within a dream]. She leaves and I wonder why she's still around. I figure this is her last day. It is 11:00 and I get up out of bed and go upstairs. Now I'm at an outdoor cafe and I sit. I see across the courtyard Paul (Brian K). I want to impress him, so I take a small child and dance around, in my wheelchair. I am attracting everyone's attention. I am so graceful and playful. I look around, hoping I'm not going downhill too fast and won't go out of control and make a fool of myself. I don't. I return to my seat. I hear people saying, \"She is everyone's little 'grandmother'\" in Spanish and they all smile and applaud. I tease them and say, \"Estoy no abuelita.\" They laugh and applaud." }, { "number": "1419", "head": "05/22/89", "content": "I'm in a house and there is pounding on the door and I'm afraid. I open the door and Mexican men come in. They are soldiers and they intend to rape my mother and me. Two get on top of me and kiss me. It's slimy and disgusting. They are grunting. I bite one on his finger as hard as I can. I want to bite through. He laughs. I feel sick but cannot cry out because if I do my brothers will awaken and come to my rescue and be killed. I grit my teeth and try to go numb so I don't have to experience it. I resign myself to it. Then I hear a noise. It distracts them and I break free. I run only to discover my father has opened the other door and more rapists are swarming in. My father is like a zombie. Then I'm out and scrambling. I see a log and a stream and realize my father is dead. I try to hide, but am forced back to the house. More horrible men. The place is crawling with them. Then I see an opportunity and sneak out to a hedge and crawl in. Soldiers walk past me in the hedge and I crouch and hide, narrowly missing being discovered time and time again. Their movements past me causes my pretty chiffon peach-colored dress to fan out and I pull it back in, hoping no one saw it. Other girls and boys are hiding in there and are found. I am near a cooking soldier and he almost discovers me. Then I see the tide is coming up and I soon can slip out to sea. I dive into the black water. They hear me and come in after me. I swim underwater for a long time with strong strokes. I know I'm swimming to my death, but it is preferable to the death and dishonor on shore. Then I hear a humming motor sound and I feel cautiously good. I go up to surface. It is an American sub. I swim to it. It's on the verge of attack and may be in danger, but it stops and a small lock is revealed. I turn the lock and open a small space. I am sad to see it isn't a porthole or hatch. I keep frantically digging. They take pity on me inside and open a hatch to a storage area full of iron boards, ropes and things. I dig in and the hatch closes and it's dark and nearly airless, but I know I've at least got a chance to survive here. (I wake up scared.)" }, { "number": "1420", "head": "05/26/89", "content": "A giant easy chair is alive and tapping on the window at Grandma Mildred's house. (It's outside and I'm inside.) I laugh and go out on the porch and call to it like it's a horse. I find a miniature chair on the porch and pick it up and take it into the house, pleased the chair is at its right proportions now." }, { "number": "1421", "head": "05/26/89", "content": "I'm riding a horse, galloping, running from something. I find a cave where I can hide. A false door opens to a safe inner cave no one can find. It has a peephole so I can see out." }, { "number": "1422", "head": "05/26/89", "content": "I'm getting out of a car (old-fashioned convertible, 1920's). My skirt gets caught on the step and I wait, telling someone about it. He doesn't understand." }, { "number": "1423", "head": "05/26/89", "content": "I'm a beginning pilot and fly in my one-seater open airplane. I feel afraid to go too high because if I have trouble and crash, I'll hurt worse. Then someone else pilots and I goad them to go faster. I love the speed. We go through swinging glass doors and I hope the propeller doesn't scratch the glass. Someone chuckles at my love of speed." }, { "number": "1424", "head": "05/26/89", "content": "I am ooking for the bathroom and I'm in an elevator that is very crowded with lots of people. I am Lucile Ball, and I play with her comedy face. Is this the ladies room? I see the men and say to myself, \"Just the lobby, I guess.\" I find an escalator going down only to see a sign for a second flight of stairs. I groan and then throw myself toward the stairs going, \"Oh, Oh\" as someone grabs my shirt from behind to steady me. I make it down without falling and go into the ladies' room where there is a series of platforms that act like conveyer belts for joggers, only bumpy, so it's like a comedy routine. I get tired of that and go back out and see old wheelchair toilets in a storage room and go in to use them, knowing I shouldn't. After I pee, a red light goes on calling the nurse." }, { "number": "1425", "head": "05/27/89", "content": "I am at a high school reunion. Darryl is there. He starts to kiss me and it feels wonderful. I open up to the feeling of love and want sexual pleasure. I then realize he's going to leave me again. I feel sad and hurt that it is a second time I will feel that hurt. I sit sadly looking out the window and I'm surprised to see the old M City High doors. It is painful to feel that nostalgia. I'm now walking down a road alone. It's a country road. I get off to the side and need to cross the fence to get back on the road. It's plastic like videotape or window slats on blinds. I bend one, feeling bad about breaking the fence. I get back on the road and see a school bus coming toward me. I think, \"I don't want witnesses of the broken fence and me. They'll figure out I did it.\" I think of hiding on the other side in the woods, but I don't. The bus comes up to me. I look ahead and see a river crossing the path. There's no bridge. I think, \"Hey, I'm going to get wet and cold.\" I try to ask the woman bus driver if I can hitch a ride. She signals that she can't talk to people when she's on duty and goes splashing through the river. I shrug and walk into the river. I get totally wet and it is cold. I get to the other side and discover I'm lost. I realize I'm in France. I ask some questions in French. I ask for a lottery ticket. The woman clerk (older woman) scrapes off the numbers to tell me I didn't win, and then she winks and says sometimes she changes the numbers for foreigners and she gives me a small tiny baby spoon. I am very grateful. I ask, \"Which way to Paris?\" She points the way. I walk on." }, { "number": "1426", "head": "05/27/89", "content": "A woman wants me to give her a decorative scar. I can't find my usual cutting device, so I use a paper and give her a paper cut. It hurts her but it works. I'd made a half moon cut and I push it to see if it had cut through. I see it open up and I see the cords of the muscles (like when I fished with my father). Then the blood wells up. I say, \"Good. It will bleed and clean the wound.\" She is pleased. I had tried to put it on her chest, but it was on the top of her left arm." }, { "number": "1427", "head": "05/27/89", "content": "I'm in my bed and sleeping. A big friendly dog comes in and curls up with me, his big face laying on my head. He almost purrs, he's so contented. I am half asleep, half awake. I stare at the floor and see things move or disappear and think I'm in that almost asleep dream state. The dog curls up near my belly. I am delighted it's there, but surprised I have a dog. Howard comes in to get something. I am surprised that I had to get rid of him twice. He had returned and asked to live with me here in E City for awhile and I'd let him. We slept together but no sex. He was hoping to wait me out and I'd come around, but it didn't work. Then I'm in grandma Mildred's house. I see the bedrooms are expansive and filled with people. They are like sitting rooms now. I step out on the porch and walk past the storage barn. I stop and think, \"No, that's exactly what I need to look into.\" I back up and peek in, but decide it's not worth the trouble. Nothing of value is there. I pass the barn; same feeling. I turn and walk up the driveway and see a double door that I knew wasn't in reality there in the real house, but decide to use it as a shortcut. I go in. Someone hands me an egg. It's raw on the inside. I decide to recook it. I turn on a burner and try to pick out egg shells." }, { "number": "1428", "head": "05/27/89", "content": "I'm in an auditorium. Susie S is concerned at her part in this disability awareness spoof we are preparing. I ask, \"Why not do it? Lots of AB's represent us in a patronizing way. Why shouldn't we represent ourselves in a good, funny way?\" I watch the video we all made. It is funny. I try to sit on a folding chair. Some guy in front talks to me. Merle is in the audience somewhere. [BL]" }, { "number": "1429", "head": "05/28/89", "content": "I am holding Fluffy. She's asleep and I suddenly see a circus man pull three huge, beautiful owls out of his magic bag. I hope Fluffy doesn't see them because I'd have to hold her down to protect the owls." }, { "number": "1430", "head": "05/28/89", "content": "Paulina/Ellie/Dovre and I talk, something about being careful not to label. Just be, experience. Paulina wanted permission to have two days alone with Andy and I worried she'd get pregnant. She wanted me to trust her." }, { "number": "1431", "head": "05/28/89", "content": "A man and I made a tape of our songs. We are invited to NY City to see the big producer. I find the building and go in. I'm in my wheelchair. Lots of his subordinates hover around me. I tell them to relax and not get so uptight about my disability. They are over-helping. I go into the big office. He's surprised I'm disabled and wants to forget the project. I tell him I only sing medium. Lots of people sing better, but my disability is a hook. Use it. I show him my Enrnestine book ideas. He's interested and says, \"Let's meet after lunch.\" I go out and ask the secretary to help me find two papers. She's reluctant. I snip, \"Oh well, don't bother.\" I'm angry at her, but realize it's probably a good lesson for me. I ask directions to a hotel. She points to several places on the city streets. I go in search of a place to rest and eat." }, { "number": "1432", "head": "05/28/89", "content": "Something about hollow bird bone whistles and Indians." }, { "number": "1433", "head": "05/31/89", "content": "Hank is going back to his home in another state. We talk." }, { "number": "1434", "head": "05/31/89", "content": "There are four people in a car. I'm in the passenger side. I am supposed to read the map as we travel. The map is long and narrow, like the road. I have to work fast to keep up with our travels. I get tired. The man driver (we are a couple) gives me permission to fold up the map and relax. We stop because the man of the couple in the back seat has to go to the bathroom. He and she get out to use the woods. We decide to go join them and see them swimming naked in a basement pool. We take off our clothes and crawl through the hole to join them in what seems like an underground cavern, only it's tiled. They are at first concerned because it is dangerous to have us all in there at once, no one up there to go for help if we can't get out. But we relax and have fun, cavorting in the water. The woman decides to get out and swims across the pool and goes in through a door. We start to follow, only to discover we'd walked into an old woman's apartment. She is somewhat surprised to see wet, naked people. We apologize for coming in without knocking. I am a teacher and come in to the classroom. Students are coming in. I erase marks on the blackboard and write, \"Barb Sanders, M.S. N.B.C.C. I explain that means I have a Master of Science in Counseling Psychology and am a member of the National Board of Certified Counselors. More students come in and I repeat that naming sequence, and yet again. Three students with rheumatoid arthritis in funny-looking wheelchairs come in and I talk to them. By now the room is very crowded and people are facing both ways as they are seated at long rows of tables. I ask if it would be better if I stood at the other blackboard where I am sideways to them all. We agree that is better. I again do the naming sequence. Then a couple talk and the man says, \"Shut up,\" and smiles. I point out how this is passive-aggressive and begin my lecture on assertiveness, using them as an example." }, { "number": "1435", "head": "05/30/89", "content": "I am living in my parents' house. I am in the kitchen. A cute, round, delicate creature is flying gently around the room. It's a pet of my parents'. It's name is Paper. It's like a small, fat mouse sitting on a pretty, white, ruffly doily. It comes near me and I ask my mother if it will bite. She says, \"No, just be gentle and don't move around too suddenly.\" It comes up under my chin and nuzzles. I pet it and feel very happy with it. I decide I want one of my own. My mother says, \"They cost $5.00.\" I decide to buy two. I need to go to school. I go outside, but now I have to go back inside to change my clothes. I go into my parents' bedroom. My brother Dwight is now there. Now, I'm in my parents bed and Dwight is in there with me. He loves me and wants to make love. I feel sad and nostalgic. I kiss him on his cheek and pat him. I say, \"I love you,\" meaning, \"I love you but we can't have sex.\" I get up, sitting on the edge of the bed. There is a pile of clothes on the floor and I pick them up one at a time to find a proper outfit. I see my sexy K-Mart slip/skirt. No, it's too sexy. I pick up a red under-petticoat and a see-through turquoise skirt (like my Mexican dress). I explain to Dwight how it wouldn't do to wear them together. I see my jeans skirt, but that's too old and out of style. I pick up a pair of cotton white pants with pink 1950's designs on it and find a short sleeve blouse to go with it. At first I don't like the outfit, but after I button up the pants, they fit comfortably around my plump middle and the sleeves are long enough to cover my fat arms. I have trouble buttoning the blouse with my arthritic fingers, but as I slowly and patiently work on it, it gets all buttoned. I bend down and pick up several sacks of rocks. They are my father's rocks. Some are like my belly rock. Some are crystals and so on. I put them aside and go on out, headed for school. It's 10 of 1 and I'll soon be late. It's raining outside. I find a big elevator." }, { "number": "1436", "head": "06/01/89", "content": "Paul Newman and I are acting together. He's going to do a scene from a play and he hopes he remembers his lines. I don't know the female part, but I'm going to do the best I can. I join him on stage. I'm the \"dummy,\" a life-sized doll he dances with." }, { "number": "1437", "head": "06/01/89", "content": "I daily get Good Housekeeping magazines on my door step with the newspaper. Paul brings them in. He teases me because I save everything, old newspapers, shirt collar cardboards and put them in a three-ring binder. An old play I wrote is in the front and he laughs at me for saving old things." }, { "number": "1438", "head": "06/02/89", "content": "I am with a group of people, some of them disabled. I am concerned because some of them aren't being considerate of the others. We need to take care of each other. I get up on stage where the band is performing and talk to the crowd about helping each other. One band member keeps looking at my body appreciatively. I try to get off stage but it's too high, so a male friend comes over and puts his arms out to catch me. I hop and land on his shoulders and we precariously balance until I get safely on the ground again. We dance. Then my guy, who had been jealously watching, comes over and we dance." }, { "number": "1439", "head": "06/03/89", "content": "Nate is trying to kiss me and I push him away because Dovre is around and I don't want her to know of our relationship. I look out the window and see Dovre/Lydia driving an 8-wheeler truck. She has permitted the small children and Charla to sit on the back fender. I an very concerned. Charla will let go and fall. I worry and try to wave to Dovre not to let this happen. The truck starts, and sure enough Charla doesn't pay attention to her danger and lets go and is bounced off. I run to her and pick her up, relieved to see she is alive, but hurting to see the huge bump and cut on the back of her head. I hold her and soothe her as she cries. Then Nate runs up and tries to kiss me. My mother is there and frowning. I say to her, \"Ah, he is the video repair man.\" To Nate I say, \"See you tomorrow when you come to fix the video.\" He leaves. My father tells me I owe him $232.00 he lent me to fix the video. I feel downhearted because I remember I also owe someone $152. Too much debt. I see a package Nate left and open it. There are miniature rifles in it. I choose a pen to write up my list of debts. It's a calligraphy pen that occasionally writes in red." }, { "number": "1440", "head": "06/04/89", "content": "I am organizing things: putting birthday cards I'd received where they can be displayed better so I can see them. Then I go downstairs and We and my mother play 'wait til you see his new girlfriend' (Jake/Nate's cousin). I go to the kitchen door and she's there looking pouty and cute. \"Where's Whoopie?\" she lisps. I laugh and look in at my mother and Lydia. \"She's here,\" I giggle. \"Is Whoopie anywhere?\" I accept her way of lisping. My mother whispers to me, \"Be careful! She's powerful.\" I laugh and lead her upstairs to find \"Whoopie.\" She follows arrogantly, telling where she'll put her things. She looks older now, maybe 50, 55. Then Jake runs past saying hurriedly, \"It's almost time for the Royal.\" We all run after him. Now we're like in India and the royal procession is approaching and we must be at our appointed place in time before the King arrives. One man calls our \"Elephant\" and doesn't even stop running as he hops up on a running elephant. He sways as he rides. We arrive at the stairs and are nearly too late. But protocol says that pushy women must go first. \"Hurry! You first,\" says Jake. She just grins and refuses. \"Now we're in trouble! If she won't go, we can't go and then the King will be upset!\" I say, \"Let me talk to her!\" Jake says, \"No, I'll take care of it.\" He pulls out his penis and twists it so that a hand rolled cigarette comes out of the end of his penis! He's going to sit and smoke it until he thinks of a solution. I am a little disgusted at the idea of putting it in his mouth as it will be a little slimy from the sperm! [BL]" }, { "number": "1441", "head": "06/06/89", "content": "I'm watching TV and had seen the previews of coming events, when a man is with his family and suddenly the floor caves in and he falls down, straight down a tunnel-like thing for a long way. He can't breathe and I see his face all contorted in agony as he holds his breath almost past his endurance. I decide that's pretty awful stuff and scary, so I decide I don't want to watch this TV show. But as I start to turn it off, it comes on and I decide it's not too gruesome and I watch (sort of feeling like I watched that man being buried alive on TV in junior high). He lands in a big cavern under the city after deciding to go with the slide, because he was bored with his present ordinary family life. There's a crazy psychotic guy down there. He's been there for years and he's delighted to have company. At first he's suspicious, but then he likes the guy and wants to play. The guy thinks it would be interesting to hang out for a while, so he plays and they swing from ropes and climb things. The fallen guy sees a woman's image and mourns. He hopes she's a good woman and she and her husband are in love. It's rare these days. And then he misses his family who must be mourning his loss. Then the crazy guys shoots lots of arrows at a tree-like thing near him, narrowly missing him. The crazy guy laughs and laughs. The fallen guy goes and grabs the arrows and throws some down out of the cavern and breaks some. That makes the crazy guy angry. \"What did you do that for?\" he asks. Then the falling guy teases the crazy guy into a \"can't catch me\" game. They both sit on sharp holes like conical ant hills or ends of tree branches and laugh. They are naked and the crazy guy gets a hard-on and laughs and runs back to the knobby branch. He's excited by the dangerous undertones in the game. He wonders briefly if he's homosexual and decides he's not. Then the game stops. The falling guy is lonesome and decides to return to his family. He says goodbye and starts to climb up the subway/sewer-like tunnel ladder. This enrages the crazy guy who entices him back to his camp area and tells him he has to crawl into a cocoon device and the crazy guy will lock it up. The falling guy doesn't want to, but approaches it cautiously, saying \"Do I hear a voice of someone you've already trapped there?\" I worry he will go in there and can't believe it when he does! How stupid to voluntarily trap yourself. I wonder at his reasons and get the feeling that it's because the crazy guy has a gun, and if he refuses it would be certain death. At least as long as he's alive, there's hope for escape. So he gets in the cocoon like it's a cradleboard; his hands, arms and legs are bound inside. For days the crazy guy is cruel to him, sometimes feeding him, etc. The falling guy says in an embarrassed tone, \"I've messed my dress and there's a couple of spots sorted with BM, can you clean me up?\" The crazy guy laughs cruelly. The falling guy tries to hang his butt end over the cliff to defecate without messing on himself, but one slip and he'd fall. His balance is precarious. Then he struggles for the key and gets it in his mouth and accidentally swallows it. He grimaces and says, \"I can't believe I did that!\" Now they are both in trouble. Somehow the crazy guy tires of the game and thinks about moving on to another place under the city and getting other \"playmates.\" It is possible the falling guy will be released and return to his loving family." }, { "number": "1442", "head": "06/06/89", "content": "I am a man who comes out of my apartment backwards thrusting myself out to go to Paris with only my purse. I am surprised that I have a Visa bill to send payment and my Visa's to use as money on this spontaneous, fun trip." }, { "number": "1443", "head": "06/06/89", "content": "I am driving to a church where I will be at a Native American ceremony. I drive backwards down a freeway against traffic in an attempt to turn around and go in the opposite direction at the last moment. Sharon and other Indian women see me arrive and come out to greet me. I walk down a path looking for a way back to the freeway, but only see a dirt path and then a driveway up to someone's nice house. I smile at Sharon and shrug my shoulders, deciding to go through with it after all, since I can't find a way out. As I walk into the community room, I ask her what I need to be doing to help. She says, \"Tie 15,000 tobacco ties!\" I say, surprised, \"15,000?\" and repeat that, shaking my head in wonder! I enter the room to see the tables and chairs all set up: square tables for four. I drive my wheelchair to the back of the room and move a chair out of my way by bulldozing with my wheelchair. An Indian boy comes up, one of several that had been running and playing on the steps when I arrived and look like Theresa's boys! He says to me I shouldn't move things around to suit myself like that. I say, \"Oh well. I like to sit in the back where I can get out quick if I need to.\" I then look longingly at the front where I would be able to see the expensive things better. Then people come in and a couple of ugly old farts (businessmen) sit at my table. I'm cutting pies up into 8ths and wrapping them. They make negative comments about women's places. They are rusty, traditional men. Two of the worst decide they are attracted to me. I laugh and start singing a song about \"just my luck!\" This one likes me and then Mr. R comes up and says he likes me. I skip over to my apartment building to change clothes, singing this song, and I follow myself watching. I feel the possible threat of a man (crazy) attacking her/me but keep thinking, \"No. that won't happen,\" and see a crazy man who avoids my eye contact, and I keep moving out of the building back toward the church." }, { "number": "1444", "head": "06/06/89", "content": "Ginny and her crazy older husband and I are in an airplane. He is the pilot. He laughs crazily and only flies us in a straight line back and forth, nearly hitting tree tops. Ginny and I just look at each other and shake our heads. Finally he stops teasing us and lands at the embassy. He pounds on the door, yelling, \"Nicholas.\" We go in. Ginny gets a phone call from her young, nice lover. She has to decide between him and her husband. She looks for the phone. At first it looks like an elephant hitting his ear on a gong, but some man points to a big spoon and a dinner plate labeled \"Plate\" where she hits it with the spoon. The young man says he's coming to her. I ask her what she's going to do because here comes her husband. She's going to choose the young man, but is afraid to tell her crazy, dangerous husband." }, { "number": "1445", "head": "06/08/89", "content": "Theresa is in my living room. She's kind of moved in with her kids. Someone drives an old beat up car to the curb and Theresa laughs and calls it \"Old Paint.\" I am in wonder and thankful for her sense of humor. Then I see her kids have painted colorful marks all over my white walls. I am tired and realize I'll have to paint over the walls again. Those kids are like \"wild Indians.\" Then Theresa says, \"It's time to do the by-laws.\" I say, \"OK, let's go back to the office.\" As I start to follow Theresa, a little baby girl gets cranky. She hangs on to me thinking I'm going to desert her again. I sooth her and say, \"See, here's a comfy bed and some toys and I am here with you.\" It's a girl's bedroom. I then see another bedroom and I say, \"I'll be right back.\" I go in there and look around. I am amazed that there is an entire, complete kitchen in this spacious nice bedroom. I say to Grandma Mildred, \"You should see Aunt Esther's room with a complete kitchen.\" I compliment Aunt Esther. Then I remember the baby and I see Dovre at about 12 years old in the bathtub and I ask her to look in on the baby girl. I see she's OK and I ask Dovre to babysit her." }, { "number": "1446", "head": "06/08/89", "content": "I am hammering a mailbox thing onto a house and only get the left side affixed. Someone (Hank) asks if it will have to hold much weight. I say, \"No, only a few letters,\"so he gets a belt buckle like platelet and hammers that on. Then I'm going to a two-day workshop and I see lots of people I know coming for the Sat. eve session, former students and relatives. I'm a little embarrassed because they know me. Then the husband of the workshop presenter, who is an older woman in a wheelchair, says he doesn't think she'll come. She's annoyed we haven't set things up right. I know she'll come, and ignore him. Then I open a package that has five packets of pills and lots of miniature things. I take two of the capsules and can't seem to swallow the third, and I have lots left to take. I ask the man how to do this." }, { "number": "1447", "head": "06/10/89", "content": "James Mason and I are in the back seat of a car. I'm like Lolita. He's very sexually attracted to me and tells me to change my clothes. He kisses me and pinches my left nipple. I'm sexually excited. I say, \"But people can see.\" An older woman is standing outside the car. He insists. I put on a pretty, brief pleated skirt with see-through lace seams and a turquoise velour top. He leans back in the car and says in a whisper in my ear, \"Take off your panties.\" I feel sexually excited. I do so. I get out of the car, noticing I can see flashes of my legs through the lace. He is possessive and demanding and I love it." }, { "number": "1448", "head": "06/11/89", "content": "A young girl is in trouble. She's been isolated and abused. A baby and myself decide it is time (past time) to try to help her. So we're taking reports of her situation to other people. We are going down stairs and some of the stairs are missing. I carry the baby and carefully step over the gaping holes. A man says, \"Oh, I forgot. Even adults need help sometimes.\" We get downstairs and see the axe the partying teens used to chop up the stairs. A military man named Harry is kind and wants to help me help the young girl. She's a handful." }, { "number": "1449", "head": "06/11/89", "content": "Now I'm collecting papers and glass animals to put in a metal (black wrought iron) basket to carry back upstairs. I put in too many things and warn myself to take it easy. It will be too hard on me to take on too much!" }, { "number": "1450", "head": "06/12/89", "content": "I make love to Howard and have a long and pleasurable orgasm. He is very surprised and so am I...." }, { "number": "1451", "head": "06/12/89", "content": "I am teaching an assertiveness class. The students are all spread out too far and then there's a glass partition between them and me. I knock on the glass and comment I don't like it being in the way. It makes it hard to teach. I then sigh and tell the students that I don't like assertiveness because I have to work harder, being assertive, and then hasten to add that, of course, it's best to be assertive and it's worth the extra energy. But I feel tired. I start teaching the nine-part statement. Then I'm in my bedroom. I see a photo of them side by side of twin beds. I'm seated on the end of the left bed with several children. Dovre is laying in the other bed with several kids. Then that goes and I am getting into the bed and Tom comes in (of dream group) and I'm naked and fat and grope for covers to cover me up. Tom sees me and is blushing bright red in embarrassment." }, { "number": "1452", "head": "06/12/89", "content": "I am in a new house -- cats and sparrows. A fire is burning, but it's not in the fireplace, it's in front of the fireplace. I watch the smoke coming up into the room (like the sage last night). Hasani and I move the fire back into the fireplace. I notice my jacket on the fire and pull it off, saying to Hasani, \"Look! My jacket was on the fire.\" She frowns at me like I'm an idiot. \"Oh, you put it there,\" I say. \"Yes. It was wet,\" she said. I feel it and it is dry. I see a round dining table and three xmas trees, one tiny one on the mantel and two floor trees filled with xmas decorations. It is way past time to put the ornaments away and I decide to do that as I wait for Aunt Bridget to come visit. I think about asking Hasani to help but she's on her way out. I take off lots of cute fuzzy ornaments and take one out to the garbage can in the front of the garage. Bridget comes and follows me back into the house and picks up a complex ornament from the box and says, \"What is it?\" It has three figures sort of melted together; red color, possibly a devil figure." }, { "number": "1453", "head": "06/13/89", "content": "I go into Aunt Elaine's house and get lost because she has remodeled, lots of kitchens one after the other. I come back to the original kitchen laughing and say I can't find the living room. They point and I go in. I see they have put color TV sets inside the two player pianos. There are four TV's on and nobody around to watch. I shake my head at such stupidity." }, { "number": "1454", "head": "06/14/89", "content": "Terence (my cousin) is dying. But before he can die, he must remember his memories. I am helping him. His eyes flutter and I think he's going, and then he wakes up and tells me more memories. He especially focuses on one weekend we shared together, something about the M City house. He says it was this room before it was remodeled and I look and realize it was the original room. He'd made a mistake. It was the old pool table room, only empty of furniture. [BL]" }, { "number": "1455", "head": "06/15/89", "content": "I am sexually excited and want to make love, but no one is around. So I decide to wait for Howard to return. It's been a long time since I've made love to him and it will please him. I feel a little uncomfortable about such a gift because I may be opening myself up to more sexual advances from him than I'll want. So I sit and wait. [BL]" }, { "number": "1456", "head": "06/15/89", "content": "Ellie calls me up and talks and talks and I have a sinking feeling that I'm trapped forever listening to her drone on. I am saying, \"No, No, No,\" in my head as I listen to her." }, { "number": "1457", "head": "06/15/89", "content": "I am showing a story book to someone and explaining that even before you start reading the book, the story is there in the symbols. I show them the cover and I see a night starry sky -- expansive earth and a hint of a person and I say, \"See, here is a night sky, symbolizing intuition and the unknown. Here is Mother Earth, solid, foundation. Here is a person, etc. Then I turn the page and see animals: a horse (steady friendship), a rabbit (sweet and playful but loud out toward the end, tricky), etc. [BL]" }, { "number": "1458", "head": "06/15/89", "content": "Now I'm an employee late to work and come in through rows of people (like at school). Someone says I've got a call for lesson #10. I go to the phone with my small daughter observing. I put on an electric guitar and ask them to play their lesson. The woman's voice says she'd rather not, she's already past that lesson and it's boring. I sympathize and say, \"Just play me a scale and then we can double up on the lessons to go faster if you like.\" She'd like. She plays scales on a piano and makes one l/2 note mistake and corrects it. Now I'm called over to another section where I hold up a game card with a clock on it. It's part of a board game our company makes. I say, \"Guess how much it costs to make this? 2 cents.\" And then I think it's better if they come up with the answer and I call on one who expounds at length and never gets to the point, and I regret giving them this chance to speak. Then we notice the clock is a simple brad poked through a cardboard and we try to see if the hands go around while the cardboard is turned in a circle, but we can't keep our eyes on it to decide." }, { "number": "1459", "head": "06/15/89", "content": "Jake is embarrassed for me and asks if I'm not embarrassed because I was fired. I say no, because I wasn't fired. It wasn't a real mistake. It was a paper and pencil mistake at the bank. Maybe I did send it in just a little late, but that's not a mistake. [BL]" }, { "number": "1460", "head": "06/16/89", "content": "An art teacher is preparing a class lecture and is showing art slides or film strips but things don't seem to be working. I am sympathetic because I like him and want things to go well. His projector flies way up high and is up against the wall. He shrugs his shoulders and smiles like, \"Oh, well, what can you do?\" I see a swimming pool and realize the opportunity to relax and swim has always been there, but I don't take advantage of it. So I swim and go for a nice leisurely walk." }, { "number": "1461", "head": "06/17/89", "content": "Don Johnson is very attracted to me and vice versa, but he's angry at me because I'm teasing him by acting like I don't care about him and walking away. I walk down the stairs laughing. He follows me and taunts me in an angry voice. He then leaves and shuts the door. Then he says, \"I love you.\" I hear him through the door and I say, \"I love you\" back. He then opens the door and we hug and kiss. Now he's Dovre and he/she says she's going to get married and won't tell me to whom. I smile and say, \"You don't have to tell me, I know. It's Bob, because I already saw the future (like already saw the movie).\" She sneers and says, \"A lot you know! It's not Bob.\" I am surprised and ask, \"Then are these altered realities?\" She smiles and says yes. \"Then, I don't have to marry Howard again?\" I ask, and realize I don't. So I say to Howard, \"Sorry. Maybe some other time,\" and leave. He shrugs and goes off to wait." }, { "number": "1462", "head": "06/18/89", "content": "I'm doing my newsletter. It's the last issue. I am waiting for two women from Disabilities Coalition to bring back the near final draft. There is room for one more article. A chubby male student comes in late and I say, \"You can do the article.\" The women bring in the paper. I go to look at it, saying, \"You're late; I thought you'd never get here.\" We are in a tiny bathroom and I say, \"I wish there was more room here.\" We could finish the paper here, but we go down the narrow hall to the larger room. Maria has two boxes and I think it's full of letters to the newsletter. I say \"Darn! Now that we've finished, we get response,\" but then I see it's mostly full of foodstuff and boxes of envelopes, so it's OK. The chubby student comes and says a girl in a wheelchair student just left, so we step to the huge plate glass window to wave goodbye. She's on a boat on a huge river just outside the window. The river is higher than usual and muddy. I see objects floating in it. The boats are all buses and pickup trucks. I see a school bus that suddenly sinks. I am concerned and ask, \"Are there any people on board?\" I then see people opening windows and an older woman holding her breath. They get out OK sputtering. I don't have to rescue them, though I am forced to do so. Another school bus goes by safely." }, { "number": "1463", "head": "06/18/89", "content": "A man is pacing back and forth and we decide he needs to go to an institution (mental or nursing home) He is relieved we finally noticed and took action. He's a teacher." }, { "number": "1464", "head": "06/20/89", "content": "I go back to V 's farm. The orchard is a forest now, terribly overgrown. Lots of stairs go up to the raised ground. I go to the house and pass two empty corner dish cabinets (glass doors). They are empty. All the pretty glass things are gone in the one on the left is apple blossom ink (the same color I painted my bedroom furniture with in Jr. High). I cry when I see the empty cabinets." }, { "number": "1465", "head": "06/21/89", "content": "I'm a sexy dancer. I dance through a crowd of me and see another professional dancer (10 cents a dance type) across the room. She's seated, resting, and I decide to do so also. A black athletic man comes over and talks. He tells me about how he'd have to walk home after ball practice. His coach wouldn't let him take the school bus. I sympathize and say nicely, \"Well, you get good exercise, eh?\" A man is watching me, interested. I write in my journal about what has happened. I comment that when I came through the crowd, I saw all kinds of men -- short, tall, fat, thin. Each one was different. I say, \"And yet, each one so similar.\" I dance \"dirty dancing\" with men. This older professional guy watches and enjoys my movements and my conversation. I keep an eye on him too. I am attracted." }, { "number": "1466", "head": "06/21/89", "content": "I'm in a group and the members are talking. I say, \"I'm a counselor. If we keep this up, we'll be a therapy group. As it is, we're doing self facilitated therapy.\"" }, { "number": "1467", "head": "06/22/89", "content": "I go through a huge store to the back room. I'm tired and lie down on a bed. Suddenly I wake up to discover John (a man I work with) has crawled into bed with me, and he's naked. I pull the covers up around me and say, \"What are you doing?\" He's shy but insistent. He wants to make love, to get closer to me. He tries to kiss me. I am annoyed. I certainly don't want to make love to this wimp; what nerve! I say, \"No. We can't. I'm your supervisor and it isn't ethical.\" I then think he'll be hurt, so I say, \"I admire your courage to get naked and come here asking, but I don't want this.\" Just then through an open window I see people leaning out of their windows in the hotel across the street yelling, \"Happy New Year\" and blowing horns. I look at the clock and, sure enough, it's a few minutes past 12. [BL]" }, { "number": "1468", "head": "06/22/89", "content": "I am a teenager and some guy is joining us, but I don't trust him. Our teacher, Gary, calls us together and asks us, \"What do you think of this new guy? Does he seem a little sleazy or not \"true\" to you?\" \"Yeah!\" we agreed. I say, \"He doesn't feel right, like he lies.\" \"Yeah,\" says Gary. \"Well, what if I just flat out say, 'No booze or drugs'? That would take care of the scotch problem right there. It's tough, but real.\" We agreed. Paulina says, \"But he might have a problem getting back in with his friends. If he's a flirt, then he won't fit in any more.\" I think it's interesting that a lesbian is concerned that a drunk be able to continue his noisy, flirty, sexist ways. I disagree and start talking about if his attitude is OK, he can fit in and still have fun even if he's off the booze and drugs. As I'm talking, suddenly little lights zip up to me and surround me. I look up at Gary startled. I realize these are aliens that are taking me away, and as I start rising (still in cross-legged, seated position), I yell, \"Gary!\" And then I yell, Goodbye!\" I see them all staring at me in astonishment and sadness. I feel a little scared and sad as I see the tree as I rise up and up. (I suddenly wake up relieved I wasn't disappearing into the cosmos.) [BL]" }, { "number": "1469", "head": "06/23/89", "content": "Co-worker Juliet is my older daughter and Paulina my youngest. I leave Paulina to deal with, whatever she's doing, and decide to go sit down where the guys are. I think I see Paul Newman and bravely decide to go sit next to him. Pretty soon I see it's not Paul and lots of other men come sit in a square with us. I comment that lots of people like the couch." }, { "number": "1470", "head": "06/23/89", "content": "I go to a photography class and am putting my lens into the camera. It appears to be a bit crooked, but then it clicks in right. The teacher gives instructions and there are diagrams and such on the board. I go to the ladies' room and come back. I have to put my bra back on. So I step behind an easel in the back of the class. Everyone turns and tries to see as I struggle. The straps get twisted and it's hard to do without exposing myself. Finally I do it, but I'm angry at the teacher (now a law class). I raise my hand and tell her off very directly and clearly. l. The bathroom was too crowded. 2. The rule that says you must put your bra on even if people watch is inhumane ( and there was a 3rd reason). The class was very impressed that I stood up so bravely to the teacher (a woman) and, in fact, talked like a professional lawyer even though I'm in a class to learn to be a lawyer. I kind of enjoyed the experience. I didn't get angry. I was clear and articulate. Then later she starts talking and I raise my hand to answer a question. She ignores me and finally I stand up and go right up to the front of the class, right in her face. She has to call on me. She doesn't like it." }, { "number": "1471", "head": "06/23/89", "content": "I get in a small row boat and go out to sea to climb aboard a yacht. My hands have a hard time getting up the hand holds and I nearly give up and fall into the sea, but I persist and get on board. I'm a stowaway bound for Europe. I hide in a cabinet and listen in to conversations. Finally I have enough information I can blackmail the captain so he won't toss me over board and I get a free ride to Europe. He likes me, but does power play games with me like putting another woman seated between him and me and watching my reaction. I smile. I know I have him." }, { "number": "1472", "head": "06/24/89", "content": "There are lots of pills in my pink purse. I'm digging them out and trying to organize them." }, { "number": "1473", "head": "06/24/89", "content": "I'm in a room looking through lots of things on the floor under the window. A boy comes in and talks with a man. The man says, \"Does she know?\" to the boy. I say, distracted, \"Know what?\" He says, \"That you are going to die today before 7:00.\" I am startled and look at the boy. He nods and says, \"Yes. You are going to die.\" I am afraid and I say, \"Will it hurt or be bad?\" He says, \"No. You will go very quickly. It won't be bad or painful.\" I say, \"Then take me now. Let's get it over with.\" The winds kick up in the trees and a wavy feeling comes over me and then I'm dead, only heaven seems to be the same room I was in before I died. I see God. She's a woman, somewhat distracted. I then look out the windows at the end of the room and see a driveway with a car in it. I say, \"Is daddy ever coming home?\" God says, \"Yes, soon.\" Then a man comes in the room. He's a baseball guy that gambles. God gets nervous and fiddles with her blouse button. The boy gets very nervous at the idea of God being nervous. God reassures him. She says, \"It's OK. Just a little excess suppressed sexual energy,\" and then takes care of the baseball guy easily." }, { "number": "1474", "head": "06/24/89", "content": "A man and I approach an Indian man seated on a bus. I offer him a $5 bill for something he did for me. He contemptuously slaps it out of my hand, hard. \"Do not offer me money. I don't want anything,\" he says. I look to the man (Howard, the drummer) and he smiles and shrugs. \"Offer to buy him a cup of coffee,\" he suggests. I do so. The Indian guy says, \"Oh, OK,\" and I start to go get the coffee. \"Not too much sugar,\" he calls after me. I comply." }, { "number": "1475", "head": "06/25/89", "content": "I am the wife of some guy that owns a big business; we live on the 5th floor of the building. I am sorting things. I'm supposed to pay bills and record receipts of expenses, but I'm behind and it's confusing. I say next time, \"I'll have him take care of the home stuff and I'll do the business or vice versa. It's too much to do both by myself.\" Then I go to the elevator. I'm going to inspect the library. I'm told that Delia, the librarian, is pregnant. I sign. More work for me. The elevator door is curved and narrow and I barely get in. We go to the 4th floor and I get out. I enter a lounge area where employees can recreate. There are musical instruments and tapes and so on There is a guy there, kind of arrogant and pushy. We talk." }, { "number": "1476", "head": "06/26/89", "content": "Veronica and I are talking. It's sort of like a counseling session. I say, \"But what's the bottom line? What are you searching for? What do you really want out of life?\" She thinks about it heavily. \"Just a nice life. All pretty?\" I ask. \"No,\" she says, \"I want to be spiritual, search, come live with you.\" She looks at me shyly. I am some pleased at the reverence and a little anxious about protecting myself. I then say, \"Seattle would be a good town to live in.\" We talk more." }, { "number": "1477", "head": "06/26/89", "content": "A boat ride is happening and I don't really want to do it, but go ahead anyway. It costs $3.00 sand I have to walk down lots of stairs. I'm to take three little girls with me and they won't mind! They run away and play on merry-go-rounds and I angrily yell at them, \"Come here right now.\" I am embarrassed to hear the harsh anger in my voice and I'm very annoyed at them for not minding. They dawdle along and we go down lots of steps and come to a crossroads. I don't know which way to go. I see Ellie seated dejectedly on a step. She says, \"It's too late anyway. The boat already left.\" I'm very angry now, wasting $3.00 and tired from unnecessary walking." }, { "number": "1478", "head": "06/26/89", "content": "I see a creature whose bird-like beak opens and the tongue is a balled up mess of tangled hair." }, { "number": "1479", "head": "06/28/89", "content": "H and I go into a restaurant. Two comedians are doing their act. The first one did a joke in Latin and Hasani got it and the second joke was in Spanish and I got it. They weren't very good jokes. He looks sadly at Hasani and says, \"I think you misunderstood.\" We had been feeling pretty good about our ability to get the jokes even in other languages. Then, the second comedian comes on and his jokes are terrible. We pay and leave to go find Dwight and Arvonne. We go downstairs, past the two comedians who are having an after-the-show chat with drinks. We get in an elevator, and even as we start to go, we can hear their conversation. I realize we are going sideways and slightly uphill. There is no ceiling and I bend a little, afraid my head might be exposed and I'll get hurt. We return from whence we came, having gone through a huge basement room where two girls chased an older woman. Now we are being haunted by the spirits of the second comedian. It's in the curtain, bumping around. I'm not very afraid and I say, \"Come on then. Teach me.\" He becomes visible. He has a bony face, long prominent teeth, and bulging eyes. He cracks a couple of rim shot jokes. I carefully look at the structure of the jokes. Then someone says, \"Richard,\" and he says, \"Nixon,\" and continues with the jokes. He then says, \"teamster,\" and waits for me to finish the joke. I frantically think (like Sally Field in Punchline movie) and then come out with, \"Teamsters are a little lost without their huskies.\" He laughs and says, \"Not bad, but it needs work.\" I laugh, surprised I could make a joke. He then asks which set of jokes he did that I like best. I say, \"The second set.\" \"Oh, song jokes. I didn't think any were all that good.\" An older woman is sitting there playing cards. A young girl knocks on the door. She's bringing the other comedian. She says, \"Is there anyone in there who will be scared? I want to be scary.\"" }, { "number": "1480", "head": "06/29/89", "content": "Robin Williams is going away, so I call him over to give him a goodbye kiss. I give him my long, lingering, best sexy kiss and he moans softly as he melts into it. I smile at his pleasure. He starts to walk across the street and then gets on all fours to imitate a baby crawling. He's in diapers. It's a little cute comedy skit to amaze me. I laugh. Then bunches of kids do it too and several of the littlest are not looking out for traffic as they romp across the street. I see cars coming, so I stand up, walking out in the street with my hand up to stop traffic." }, { "number": "1481", "head": "06/29/89", "content": "Samantha comes out to ask me kindly to come in with everyone. I say, \"I can't. My right leg is like in a cast.\" I'm seated on a bench on the sidewalk. Or they would even carry me. I tell her it would hurt too much and refuse firmly. I then see Doug driving up in his 18 wheeler truck. Lydia is in the passenger side. A man hops in and kisses her on the cheek. He's a red neck type. They circle around my bench, stop and get out. I get up and Doug and I walk to a square outdoor cafe table. Lydia follows. Doug is bragging and talking and I'm bored and uptight. I'm sorry to be there listening to him." }, { "number": "1482", "head": "06/29/89", "content": "Dovre and I are at the movies. Tyler hands me a letter he wrote me. It is long and sweet, emotional. He starts by describing our first day together at work. \"We were on a tall hill and looked over the scene,\" he began. I was touched and felt close to him. A woman is giving frothy lemon meringue pie pieces out to starving poor people. I think she is harming them, giving them something for nothing, teaching them to beg, and it's not nutritious. She's upset with me for not giving pies out. We talk back and forth. Then she mumbles, \"Some people aren't very giving.\" \"Some women in particular,\" Dylan smiles because he sees I've got the hint and I'm filling with righteous anger and am about to tell her what for. I sit up and say, \"What did you say? Could you repeat that?\" She does. I say, \"I understand what you're really saying and I want you to know some people give in different ways. Some people answer the telephone at 3:00 a.m. and listen to the other person's fears and pain.\" I guess I told her!" }, { "number": "1483", "head": "06/30/89", "content": "I'm in a store and Bonnie is pushing my manual wheelchair. I see big crystals and jewelry. I start to go outside and see a man watching me. He seems friendly and I am attracted to him. Bonnie waits for me in the car. I go out and he's out there. I see a turtle with a leather coat over his shell. The man says, \"May I have that?\" He really wants it. I agree. We circle it and it starts coming closer to me. I back up into the comfortable arms of the man. The turtle comes very close and bites me. I see a tiny bloodless paper cut and say, \"Ouch! Is it poisonous?\" The man says, \"No. It's harmless.\" [BL]" }, { "number": "1484", "head": "07/04/89", "content": "I'm swimming in the ocean. I've been shipwrecked and am swimming for my life. Some buoy that looks like a giant bottle is floating and moving away from me. I must catch it or drown, and I do get it and rest on it. I look up and see heavy surf. It is very dangerous. People are boating past me and I yell out, over and over, \"Help me. Help me.\" They don't hear and then I wake up on shore, safe, and I cry and cry in relief. I don't know how I made it alive, but I did. [BL]" }, { "number": "1485", "head": "07/04/89", "content": "I'm in a foreign country, Jamaica or India, and I hear a man say, \"Oh Dear! This is terrible. I saw a sign and now I must go home and tell my wife and she must kill herself and then I won't get any dinner.\" I laugh at his odd religion. I am meeting an older woman friend and I have a gift for her. She has a man she wants to introduce to me. He follows along behind us. I am all involved in getting the gift from the sack I'm carrying and pay no attention. He's attracted and watches me. It's sort of like we're both destined to meet and have relationship but we haven't noticed each other yet. I go to the library, walking through the streets thinking, \"I can write a story about a country I've never been in! I can do it.\" I go in the library to reserve a room to do my research. The librarian leaves, is busy. I call up and reserve a room for Sunday, very pleased with myself because the librarian said there weren't any available. I start to write it into her reservation book and realize I'll get in trouble, so I wait until she returns and fess up to using her phone, etc. She asks me what I called and I realize I'd called a library in another city (New York maybe), so I'm out of luck. I feel very frustrated and defeated. The man is leaving a group of his friends and is about to enter the room I'm in and we will meet." }, { "number": "1486", "head": "07/08/89", "content": "There is a row of knitting stitches and I am working at not losing stitches and getting a run. A voice says, \"Do you think you are God?\"" }, { "number": "1487", "head": "07/08/89", "content": "I have a camera that looks like Valerie's tape player. I pour grape juice in it to make it work better. I get up to go brush my teeth and use the camera juice to rinse and then wonder if there's nasty chemicals in it. Now I am holding a \"sister,\" a young girl/woman, in my arms and I am very intense and upset. I must help her and the only way is to repeat over and over, \"I believe in you, Sharon\" no matter what she says. I'm trying to help her overcome sexual molestation trauma and I explain to Arvonne we have to help her build trust, so no matter what awful thing she says, we accept it and love her anyway. Arvonne frowns and won't cooperate. I tell her angrily she's a bad woman and a lousy psychologist! I pace, saying, \"I believe in you, Sharon\" over and over. She mumbled, \"Owaha, Hawaii,\" and, \"I don't go to San Salvador.\" This is considered progress." }, { "number": "1488", "head": "07/08/89", "content": "I'm with some teens and we're in a deserted, scary house. I have a walkie-talkie and find dead and bloody bodies that zoo animals have come in and marauded. A lion runs toward us up the stairs and we run into a room and shut the door. It won't lock, so we all lean against it, fighting the terrible force of the lion clawing through the door. We lock it precariously and I yell, \"Is there another door?\" We find one and go out into another hall and see a trap door up in the ceiling. We crawl up there and hide. Suddenly I'm aware of spooks and spirits, a huge black-blue tarantula spider and a half eaten away corpse lurking behind us. Trapped between a raging lion and the scary spirits, I call out on my radio, \"We're in this deserted house; come get us.\" Men with rifles come in and kill the lion and we escape. (Fessing up to being where we're not supposed to be was not comfortable, either)." }, { "number": "1489", "head": "07/08/89", "content": "A \"Donald Trump\" guy takes a special super fighter jet to fly an Arab princess where she needs to go. I'm surprised the government let him get away with that! We land. There is a lake. I think I escape and run for the lake. I slide down a talus slope and just as I get to the water, Donald's body floats out of a cave. He's on his back. His eyes flutter open. I thought he was dead. I was safe, but no. He lives. The first thing I saw was his huge, strong hand. So I run for the place and get in. He runs after me, yelling, \"Wait. There's something you need to know before you fly.\" I figure it's a trick, and get in and fly away. It's hard because the jet is so complex." }, { "number": "1490", "head": "07/08/89", "content": "A woman and I live together. She might be a daughter. She has a Chicano lover and she's afraid of him. He comes in drunk and has a gun that he threatens to shoot us with. I yell and grab the gun. He gets very angry and hits me and is going to badly beat me up. I dare him to try, but am inwardly afraid. I call him names. The daughter is a total wimp and angry at me for fighting back. I made him leave. I bring the gun in a lake. She says I should have to pay for it since I made it go away. I refuse and leave. He's following me and means me harm. I head for the M City house and go to the front door, hoping my father is around to help protect me. I see he is and I slam the door shut after I get in the living room. I yell, \"Call the police!\" As I lock the door. \"Dad,\" who looks like Grandpa Mildred, can't find the number. \"911,\" I yell. He tries, but is unsuccessful. The guy gets in and Dad doesn't do anything. Now the scene changes and he and my \"daughter\" have taken the deed to my place and are using it for their own. He's planted corn in my yard. I say to him, \"I know what you've done. It's illegal and I can get a lawyer and get back my land anytime I want.\" He knows that, so he tries to be nice to me. I hold it over his head. If he doesn't \"take care of me right,\" I yank the farm out from under him. I don't trust him. I'm waiting for him to screw up." }, { "number": "1491", "content": "(07/10/89)[I fell back to sleep early in morning.] I had three minutes to get to school and I was running up a graveled path and across a lawn and missed the school building and went on into bushes where an older child, Charla, was crying. Then I realized I was dreaming and suggested to myself I go up and find the creative healing source. I felt waves of energy and I easily flew up through a ceiling and up into space and then saw lots of tan-colored spots that were my DNA. I thought of maybe coming out of the trance and encouraged myself to stay with it." }, { "number": "1492", "head": "07/10/89", "content": "Coming to an old poverty-struck town to teach. We find the address and no one's there. So I go to the door and call, \"I'm here. It's time.\" Little munchkin type critters come in. My associate (Mike Douglas) looks out at all of these \"disabled\" critters and looks at me. I smile at his discomfort. He asks if they need high school or grade school instruction. They say grade school. He says, \"Well, that's me.\" I then take over as I'm more at ease and tell them I have arthritis and my vocal cords are deformed and I can't talk over them. They cooperate and I thank them for showing me respect." }, { "number": "1493", "head": "07/13/89", "content": "Tom (Susan's husband) and Mabel tell me they got married today and I cry. I'm hurt because they didn't tell me before so I could come to the wedding. They said if they told me and then some others, then soon too many people would come or feelings would get hurt. I say, \"I should have realized when you told me you got your marriage license yesterday.\"" }, { "number": "1494", "head": "07/13/89", "content": "I feel in a hypnogogic trance. I see images: four eagle feathers. One has a creamy yellow color at its base. I see a forest rising out of an ocean. The ceiling is high forest trees. I think that would make an interesting story." }, { "number": "1495", "head": "07/13/89", "content": "I'm on a little cart and hook onto a cart ahead that has a family in it. Paulina tries to thread a film and it doesn't go into the sprockets right." }, { "number": "1496", "head": "07/13/89", "content": "I am the new security guard and I am supposed to protect a huge, empty field. I say to someone, \"I haven't had any training. I should know what to do if anything comes up. Could you give me the paradocs (documentation) [paradox?]\"" }, { "number": "1497", "head": "07/13/89", "content": "I need to return to Aunt Esther's house. I can't find the map and then realize I am looking at the wrong state. T City isn't there. It's in (state). (I see a map for Arkansas.)" }, { "number": "1498", "head": "07/16/89", "content": "Jake is very depressed; he is lying down and thinking of suicide. I come up to him and he says, \"A part of me died last February.\" I say, \"At least you have your health! I don't even have that.\" I then explain to him how he needs to make changes so his relationships with Valerie can continue. I put my hands together with the fingers interlaced and say their relationship is like that. He is good at lots of things, but terrible at social and relationship stuff and Valerie is the opposite." }, { "number": "1499", "head": "07/16/89", "content": "I'm with a group of people. Each of us lives in a carved-out cave area. A younger brother of Bob Lacote lives opposite me. A wall separates us. A bossy \"mother\" puts paneling (like in my office) over the lovely natural obsidian wall. I am appalled. The other brother \"Bob\" and I are attracted. When he visits his younger brother's cave, I can hear every word he says, and when I talk on the phone he hears me. That's how we communicate with each other." }, { "number": "1500", "head": "07/16/89", "content": "A flood. I open the door to let out the excess water. It swirls around me dangerously, but I'm OK." }, { "number": "1501", "head": "07/16/89", "content": "Susan S. and Tom are around. The phone rings and I answer it. It is the media interested in Mobility International, and I'm a little disappointed because I hoped they were interested in my stuff. I hand the phone over to Susie. It turns out they ask me to go somewhere and talk, and she refuses for me because she thinks I've done too much and will get tired and ill. I give her a lecture, surprised that she of all people didn't know better. \"I make that decision. Not you. Probably I'll come to the same decision but I have the right to decide. Don't decide for me.\" She is embarrassed and agrees. And now I'm flying. The vehicle I'm on is sort of a flattened wheelchair. It runs on air and is slowly running out, like a balloon. I hope I have enough. I fly through a boy's dorm and down the side of a tall building. I finally run out and am concerned how I'll manage because I can't walk well or far. An \"India\" man comes up and makes me a special tortilla, white and round with # cross hatch embossed marks on it. I fold it up and eat it. It's like peyote only it makes me feel peaceful and I can now move effortlessly." }, { "number": "1502", "head": "07/18/89", "content": "Bonnie, Mateo, a baby girl and I are in an old living room. Mateo is playing rough and I tell him to get down. I'm trying to coax the baby girl to my lap. Bonnie says, \"How come there are always killer dogs around?\" I say, \"There aren't any around here. Oh maybe up the street,\" and then I laugh because I was thinking of South H. Street, not A. Street. Three big guys and a snarling dog come to the door and walk right in and stand inside the door. I pick up the baby girl and say to them, \"What do you want?\" They hem and haw and say, \"Do you have any records?\" (musical ones). I say, \"No, I don't, none to give anyway.\" They smirk and leave. I get up and go to the door, carrying the baby. It's dark and cloudy out there and ominous. Snarling dogs are up and down the street. Snarling squirrels try to bite at me through the old, nasty screen door. Those men are lounging on my lawn, waiting. I say, \"I'm not afraid. I know what to do.\" I shut the door and lock it and look hurriedly for other doors to lock. I see a long closed-in hall (tunnel like) and refuse to walk through it, too scary. I go upstairs and I see an unlocked door and hear them opening it. I tiptoe up the attic stairs, stepping over clothes and games. I hear them tiptoeing behind me. I am scared. I see a pad and crawl under it and under a second layer and I curl up, waiting and hoping they don't find me. They paw around the pad but don't unearth the second layer. They are standing very close to me. I can hardly breathe." }, { "number": "1503", "head": "07/18/89", "content": "I bought a woman's bookstore and Ellie and Paulina are helping me rearrange it. Paulina wears a white satin gown and I look for a place to put the children's books. I want a fun place they can play in and keep them busy while parents shop. There are newspapers from Korea and blouses." }, { "number": "1504", "head": "07/20/89", "content": "I'm in the back seat of a car telling a woman in the front seat what my father does for a living. I sit in different positions like a teen on the phone, including up-side-down. I say he's a paleontologist now and even has a plant fossil named after him, \"S.i.\" I comment that he used to be a musician, or rather a music teacher. I see a plant that I call an S.i. (named after me). It is a primitive, a green stalk with nodules for roots. It is easily plucked from the ground (like the plant at the forest camp). I see it only grows in clumps at the end of benches (like picnic table benches). Now I'm getting into a convertible car. I have boots on -- black, lace up boots (not sexy, but interesting). It has a lavaliere mike on it and I say, \"I'm wired for sound.\" I get in the back seat, seated up on the top like a prom queen. There's a baby girl (2 years) in the corner of the back seat with me. My father is driving. He gives me a glass of champagne and I comment (or think), \"It's a good thing I'm not in the front seat with Dad. People could get the 'wrong' idea about a sexual relationship.\" There's a black cover top over the back seat that I'm seated on." }, { "number": "1505", "head": "07/20/89", "content": "There's a big, beautiful house and I create a lovely path in the back yard so I can be in a lovely meditative space. I go into a sunken living room that is ramped and lay on the floor. Someone comes to the door." }, { "number": "1506", "head": "07/20/89", "content": "A woman in a house (the wife of someone) is annoyed with me. I try to cajole her. I am charming and she lightens up a little." }, { "number": "1507", "head": "07/22/89", "content": "I'm in a small room that has dirt and debris and bugs in it. I see a tiny (Alice in Wonderland) door and, curious, I open it. I see an ugly man there and say, \"Uh oh, guess I shouldn't have opened the door.\" I shut it quickly. I decide I don't want this room to be so bad, so I marshal my forces and change things. (I am aware I'm dreaming) and command the bugs to straighten things up. They march around in lines and I walk carefully so as not to smash any of them. I am repelled by them and grateful to them. They do miraculous work. In fact it is lovely and has opened up into more rooms, including the room the man had been in. I go down a hallway toward the bedrooms. I see video games. Then I see a 3-D video behind glass of real people enacting ordinary human activities. I'm like a voyager watching them. I feel sad that I'm reduced to such a lowly act. I see sexual activity and feel an orgasm. [BL]" }, { "number": "1508", "head": "07/23/89", "content": "There is an invasion and I see the air filled with planes. One comes down and lands on my arm, only it's not a plane now but a metallic butterfly-like machine. It says, \"What is your name?\" I know I've been captured and must answer. I say, \"B. J. M.\" Then a huge creature in black, tall and very muscular comes over. He's a huge soldier. He says, \"Barb Sanders?\" I say, \"Yes.\" He says, \"Come with me.\" I follow him. He kind of looks like Terence (cousin). I'm taken to a resort hotel-like place. Darryl is there. We escape and are in the woods. We start to make love and I love it. \"Oh good,\" I say, \"I get to feel your sexy kisses again.\" He performs oral sex and I say, embarrassed, \"What are you doing?\" I repeat that several times and then as we are nearing a climax, two girls come over (young women). They are the enemy also and I realize we are still too close to the hotel and not really deep in the woods. We run fast and get in my van and drive (I drive) fast, only now we're on open plains and the enemy headquarters are right near by. I say, \"We've got to find cover in the trees,\" and I drive toward the trees, but I end up driving in a shallow river and then it's deep and we are floating. I paddle for land to discover it's a line of floating furniture -- wood, kitchen chairs, then tables, then cribs and bedroom sets, from tiny to large. (Earlier there was a strange bathroom where I had to squat down on a funnel-like shape where I found a note from Darryl suggesting we meet. I had come out of the bathroom, which had two doors, one unlatched saying, \"Yes, yes, yes,\" very happily." }, { "number": "1509", "head": "07/24/89", "content": "I'm in a hospital bed, sleeping. I'd had seizures or something and they had me under observation. I really was OK and this was an expensive way to make sure. A man who really did have seizures comes over to me and takes a bottle of wine from my bedside table. I tell him to put it back. The doctors are talking about me. I get up to examine lots of my old belongings I'd packed up long ago and sent to England. They are out on a counter top and taking up lots of room. I go through the stuff and see magazines and amber beads I'd like to take back with me. I realize I'd taken up too much room with my junk and wonder if other people need this area and think about packing it back up and taking it back to America." }, { "number": "1510", "head": "07/26/89", "content": "I walk down a steep talus slope to examine a pile of obsidian rock and a pile of fossils. Then I realize the flood waters are coming back up and I scurry up the rock slope. The water is muddy and roiling. It chases me. I run for a high hill top. I am safe, barely, surrounded by water." }, { "number": "1511", "head": "07/26/89", "content": "Patricia is going to spend three days with me. She has her son Duncan with her. I am happy and tell her about going to Saturday Market and 5th Street Market and all the fun we'll have." }, { "number": "1512", "head": "07/26/89", "content": "I build a tiny room behind another room to hide in. Capt. Kirk and Spock are looking for me. They are in their private office and Capt. K sees a seam on the wall that is part of my hidden room. He says to Spock, \"This room seems different, smaller, and I don't remember that seam there.\" I realize then they'd found me. I feel caught. Kirk says, \"Do you think she knows we know?\" Spock says, \"She knew the moment you knew. Ann is very smart, as smart as you.\" They leave the room to give me some private time." }, { "number": "1513", "head": "07/27/89", "content": "I'm dancing with four people. We're all in a line, a person behind my partner and a person behind me. Yet another person joins and then just he and I are dancing." }, { "number": "1514", "head": "07/27/89", "content": "A man had bought a used tractor cheap for me. Then I had to pay for pieces of equipment to repair it, and then he tells me it won't work. He has his hat down over his eyes and I say, \"Move your hat up. I want to tell you what I feel. I know you tried and you did some good things, but I got dumped on here and I'm angry and frustrated.\" He looks sheepish and I feel a little guilty ragging on him." }, { "number": "1515", "head": "08/02/89", "content": "Josh and I are in bed. We cuddle shyly. We don't make love but just acknowledge the possibility of later. I get up and walk down the street. Someone has called the police because it's not proper for Josh and me to be together, because of his disability. I give an eloquent lecture about discrimination. [BL]" }, { "number": "1516", "head": "08/02/89", "content": "Someone returns my jewels, but I see they are clever forgeries. I go to call a policeman friend to meet me for lunch to share my concerns. He doesn't show up and next I am buried up to my neck in the sand. I slowly wriggle myself free and crawl away, watching the wind blow the sand to cover my tracks as I go to hide." }, { "number": "1517", "head": "08/02/89", "content": "I see contorted, ugly, angry faces." }, { "number": "1518", "head": "08/01/89", "content": "I'm in a bathtub, but it's sort of like church. I offer to let others join me, but they say no, it should be one at a time. So I let the water out and say, \"Just a minute while I pray,\" and I pray, while trying to put the water back in." }, { "number": "1519", "head": "08/03/89", "content": "Four women are all dressed alike, in a yellow/gold satin dress with black lace. They are dance hall hostesses. I am one and walk down the stairs. Then I'm a kid and I'm in trouble with the other kids because I paid out tutors too much money. They say, \"Didn't you know they already make over 90 cents an hour?\" I'm a little embarrassed. I lay on a bed and see a black and white kitten chasing a mouse. \"That's just a toy mouse, right?\" I ask and see that it is. I am relieved and reach down and pet them and play with them. I tease, \"You really are mousers! You little mouse, you.\" I say it like it's not really true they are mousers." }, { "number": "1520", "head": "08/05/89", "content": "There are men painting a wall of a submarine (inside). I watch as they use brushes. Then someone asks me to talk about when I started writing. I tell a small audience that, \"I think I popped out of the womb writing,\" that I told stories before I could write and my life was rich with dream images. They are impressed." }, { "number": "1521", "head": "08/07/89", "content": "Cary Grant is a spy. He comes to \"my house,\" which is small. The bedroom is in a loft and the two children's beds are in the same room as mine. The bedspreads are all matching. There are a baby girl and a two year old boy. He's a roomer. I go outside and he and I walk down the beach. He says, \"We'd better practice cuddling and kissing so we'll look like husband and wife.\" We do and it's so nice I start to fall in love with him. I hold him to me close and he hugs back. He says with regret, \"This usually happens. It will pass.\" I feel sad. Then I hear music, a woman singing gospel, and we walk over there. Then I look down a hall and see a bad guy and I say, \"Quick, look, so you'll know what he looks like too.\" He looks, red shirt. So I see two doors and I say, \"It's a conference of some kind.\" I go to pretend I'm a member to find out more information. A fat woman, a nurse, comes over to me and I start asking questions. Come to find out, they sell babies form the hospital to childless women, so I pretend I want a baby. She gives me a slip of paper like a Visa slip. It says, \"Pick up the baby at the hospital.\" I ask her name and phone and she gets suspicious." }, { "number": "1522", "head": "08/08/89", "content": "I wake up and put on my necklace which has lots of charms of animals on it, only someone from the group, for the second time, has waxed some of the animals so they are stuck to a cardboard. This time there are three little note cards and I pick them off so I can get clues to who did this. One card said, \"Are you surprised and angry?\" I went out and saw Dylan and I ask outraged, \"Why did they do this to me?\" I saw the group (like Mobility International) and felt that they didn't like me and were being mean. I didn't understand why. I was trying to be a good facilitator. So I go talk to some people, some tourists, and then I realize the whole group had left early. We were to get on the airplane for the Soviet Union at l:30 and Rita, the other leader (only from Columbia), had set up the time to l:00 and didn't tell me, deliberately. I rush back to get my baby and her high chair and I grouse angrily that at least they'd have helped me put that in baggage. I show my tickets and they rush me to the \"late passenger\" doors (wooden and homemade). I get on the place and angrily look into each seat for Rita. Everyone is subdued and watching me because I'm so angry. At the back of the plane I find her, hiding. I grab her shoulders and shake her, saying, \"Why are you doing this?\" She said she didn't like my jokes and I talk too much. I said, \"That's part of my job to be a good facilitator.\" She said nobody like it. I felt rejected. Later, it's a dance and no one asks me to dance. Finally someone pulls me out for a round dance where you go in a circle dancing with all the men, only somehow all I got to dance with were older, ugly women and one very tall man with his bride in his arms. He gave me curt directions on how I should dance. It was a romantic song (Endless Love or something) and I was to kiss his hand just so. I felt silly because he'd hand me her hand. So then my next partner was a bossy woman who took the lead and danced us directly in front of the seating for President Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Jim Weaver and Joe Kennedy in a manual wheelchair. Joe invites me to join them, looking at my disabled leg. Jack Kennedy says, \"Lee Oswald was OK.\" I raise an eyebrow and say, \"The Lee Oswald. The one that killed you?\" He acknowledged that I had clearly seen through his conversation. Then I asked Joe if he played wheelchair basketball. He said he did. I said in E City (state) they've got a good team. I'm not on it. I dance in my wheelchair. Jim Weaver repeats \"E City (state).\"" }, { "number": "1523", "head": "08/10/89", "content": "I'm in a bathtub and draining the water. I stand up, being careful not to slip on the soap bars. I step into a second tub of cool water and rinse. I then dry off and get into a bathrobe. I hear a knock at the door. I wonder if I should ask, \"Who is it?\" before I open it. It might be a bad person. I don't ask, and it is Bonnie. I say, \"Come in, but as you can see, all my furniture is gone. I'm moving.\" [BL]" }, { "number": "1524", "head": "08/10/89", "content": "I'm moving and tell people not to forget this or that. My paintings on the wall, my piano bench (a bar stool with a flanged-flared bowl seat like lilac bowl of 4th grade flower show). I say, \"I want to look around before we go to make sure nothing important is left.\" A muscular man I called Dad says, \"OK,\" and goes outside. I go to the porch and call out, \"Wait. We've packed the steps, we can't get down.\" He gets a motorcycle and says wait, he'll come around inside and get me and we'll jump the porch to get off. I yell at him, \"No. It's not necessary. I can go inside and walk down the basement steps.\" He goes ahead and then crashes and is paralyzed badly. His face is in shock. I start to feel guilty that this was all for me and then realize he did it to himself." }, { "number": "1525", "head": "08/10/89", "content": "I am cleaning off the stove and a young man asks me if I ever like to go out for a bagel. I say yes, I do. (It's like he's shyly asking me for a date.) I then list other things I like to do -- go to the movies, watch videos." }, { "number": "1526", "head": "08/11/89", "content": "There had been a massacre down river and I got into a canoe with another woman and two Indian men. We paddled to the scene where it happened. We did a good job of synchronized paddling. As we looked over the scene, I realized a storm was brewing and we needed to leave soon. I had to pray first. So I saw a cord coming down from the ceiling and I could have been less diligent and started my prayers at mid point but no, I moved my hands to hold the very top section and prayed for my father, then I moved my hands to the next section and prayed for my mother, and so on down until at the last, I prayed for me. After this, the male Indian gave each of us girls a scorpion which we placed on our heads and looked like crocheted head piece. Then we each got our feathers, which we put in our braid (we are Indian). I felt proud. Earning our feather was a brave and good thing. He praised us. Then I saw the waters quite rough from the storm and we paddled out." }, { "number": "1527", "head": "08/11/89", "content": "A man drives by in a car and I don't like him. I call out belligerently that he is stupid and ugly. He slows up and turns around and I know he's big and strong and he's going to beat me up. I keep on deliberately approaching him and insulting him. There is a direct confrontation. He and I fight. Another man joins in. I pinch their balls and punch and kick. They hit me a lot too. Finally, I walk away bruised, but at least I held my own." }, { "number": "1528", "head": "08/11/89", "content": "A man asks me to go get the record books so he can write in something that isn't true. I say, \"No. I will not help you cheat and lie.\" He says that I'm not a good woman. Other women do what their man says. I say, \"Do you mean you think being unladylike is worse than helping you cheat and lie?\" I was shocked and didn't believe it myself. I was surprised he could believe that." }, { "number": "1529", "head": "08/13/89", "content": "I am fighting a man. He's shooting at me with a pistol. If I stand still, he misses me. I am very angry at him, and I stand over him with a huge knife and want to kill him. It's all I can do not to kill him, but I force myself to calm down. After this ordeal I lay down and a man is there. I ask him if we can hug. He cuddles his head in my shoulder and I lay there with my arms around him like he's my child, only it was me that needed the comfort. Then he's Howard and he's sexually aroused and wants to make love. I refuse him and then say, \"It's not sex that is the problem, it's that I never even wanted to kiss you the first time. I didn't even like that.\" I hoped I didn't hurt his feelings. I remembered he owed me $116.00" }, { "number": "1530", "head": "08/14/89", "content": "Dolores M is the clerk in the fabric store. I want to make a nightgown. She says, \"OK, but if you buy that material, you must also buy this material to make six pairs of socks.\" I don't like the sock material; it's a flowered print cotton with ruffles. She says, \"You don't actually have to make the socks, you just have to buy the material.\" So I do. Then I see a crowd on a lawn in front of my bedroom. Two comedians are doing their routine. One's white and the other black (Bill Cosby). I go around the crowd to get a better look and I see two wheelchair guys being interviewed by the TV media about accessibility. Then two orange-haired black kids come over to Bill while he's working and want him to take them to the store. He stage whispers, \"Can't you see I'm working? Go ask your mother.\" He's their father." }, { "number": "1531", "head": "08/14/89", "content": "Millie has come to visit me. I ask how many days will she stay. She says, \"Only one night and two days.\" I am disappointed. I say, \"We could do this or that.\" She just wants to hang out looking out the window. She says, \"Do you see the dinosaur?\" A hillside looks like the shape of a dinosaur. I say, \"Look at that one. It looks like an iguana or Gila monsters. She says she can only stay a short time because her garden is growing fast now and she never needs to tend it. We go outside to see the garden. She points out row after row of plants and names each one. I say, confused, \"Did you bring your garden here?\" She says, \"No, I know I don't have a garden.\" We decide it belongs to the big farm owner (like Breeden Brothers)." }, { "number": "1532", "head": "08/14/89", "content": "I'm on a train or bus. A man gets on. He's a soldier and he grabs a boy and yanks him into the bathroom and rapes him. The boy screams and cries. Then the soldier comes out and says, \"Now I want a woman.\" He grabs me and takes me in there. I do not cry out or fight. When he's done he chains me to another \"brave one,\" a man. Each of our arms are chained to a carton of 18 eggs." }, { "number": "1533", "head": "08/15/89", "content": "I have a third baby girl, only I can't remember who her father is. Maybe he's the Spanish man Pablo or maybe I was still married to Howard. I feel embarrassed; one should know these things. Lydia and I are talking. My father calls me over to show me something that vibrates under a floor. I see a broken piece in the floor and a hole. I say, \"Whatever it was came through here.\" I hoped it wasn't scary aliens. My mother is calling my father from a distance. Her voice is harsh and bossy. I feel sorry for my father. Lydia and I walk outside. She says, \"You need to go where the good writers are.\" I say, \"Where?\" She says, \"Maybe with Howard.\" I laugh. She says, \"No really. Maybe the Native Americans.\" I say, \"They aren't writers.\" I think of L.A." }, { "number": "1534", "head": "08/16/89", "content": "I'm in a bedroom sand I'm a little scared. There are \"entities\" in there. Ernie and Ginny are there too. I leave the room to go take a bath. I leap out of bed very healthily. I say, \"Maybe I should stay. They also healed me.\" I take the bath and go back to that bedroom, still a little nervous but needing the good healing energy. I get in bed. Ernie curls up with me. He is gentle and loving and I realize this is friendship, not sexual. I relax in his embrace." }, { "number": "1535", "head": "08/16/89", "content": "I'm in the living room of the Sheridan house. A TV says, \"Tonight the town will go to the play and enjoy themselves, a tradition begun by the Sanders years ago. And I am surprised and say to someone, \"You mean that when we had pre-play parties and went with our friends to the play, we created a tradition and everyone remembers us?\" \"Yep,\" agrees someone. Then I'm in a 1950's formal. The door bell rings, guests arrive. It's a reunion. I act as hostess and welcome my parents' now old friends and take them into the piano room and offer them refreshments. I am a charming hostess. I welcome Mrs. Cinquint, an old school teacher. I hug her and say, \"I remember you! I was a small child.\" She admires how I've grown up. Another family friend and her family comes to the door. She sits on the huge, empty porch floor with her presents. She says to my mother, \"I brought you presents, but I can't stay, so let's open them here. The room's empty except for a tiny Christmas tree and a swing set her kids are playing on. My father calls to me to attend the guests. I go into the piano room and mingle. I approach two guys in tuxedos. I say, \"What can I bring you?\" I am aware of a young, good-looking man watching me, enjoying me. One guy says, \"I want a this ___________,\" a name of a stomach medicine. I laugh and say, \"OK, coming up.\" The next guy, who I realize is gay, asks for some fingernail polish. He says, \"I heard you don't wear any.\" I smile and say, \"It's true. I don't own any.\" He says, \"But what if you get a run in your stockings.\" I say, \"I don't wear stockings.\" This is pleasantly arousing to the young man watching. I walk past where he's seated in an overstuffed armchair and talk with a woman who is attempting to compose a poem with an old silly song. As I tease her, the young man pulls my leg until I fall into his lap. We laugh and tease about the song, and then he picks me up and we go to a corner in the room and sit. He's cuddling me and it is very nice. I say, \"I must get back to my guests,\" but he won't let me and I don't struggle very hard. I like where I am." }, { "number": "1536", "head": "08/17/89", "content": "I am the only English boy in a Chinese school. They don't like me at all. They are all seated at long tables in rows. I must sit alone at a school desk. I had befriended a Chinese girl who wanted me to sit with her, but the teacher hated me and made me sit alone. So when she wasn't looking, I'd sneak between the tables back to my desk. [BL]" }, { "number": "1537", "head": "08/17/89", "content": "Thousands of black Africans in native costumes are attacking. One has a gun and we shoot him and he shoots us. He laughs and says, \"We can't be killed and our numbers are endless.\" I realize he's right and there's only one hope. Now I have a Catholic priest's frock on and I play a peace hymn on an out-of-tune organ/piano. I play it loud, hoping to get others to sing and then the killing will stop." }, { "number": "1538", "head": "08/17/89", "content": "I see a fish on the table. He's dying, so I plop him in a fish tank, thinking I'd saved him, but a fish-eating eel gobbles him up as I watch. I turn away, sick. I had actually killed him faster." }, { "number": "1539", "head": "08/17/89", "content": "A man says it's necessary to cut a woman's hair. Then he cuts his own and I say, \"Good for you; you've realized change must always start with the changer. Do it yourself. Only you can change you, so you go first.\"" }, { "number": "1540", "head": "08/17/89", "content": "I'm in some kind of a hotel and I'm looking for the elevator. I find it. Some other people crowd into another elevator that doesn't look right. As it goes up, the sides fold down on them like a crushed box. They start screaming. I rush over and push the down button and they tumble out. I point to the sign that says \"Danger, Freight elevators\" and say to the manager that it needs to be more clear. It really is written in obscure words and I tell her, \"And even I, who am quite literate, would have trouble understanding the sign." }, { "number": "1541", "head": "08/17/89", "content": "Now I'm driving home up a freeway. I'm sort of Kate Hepburn. We see a troop of entertainers and pull over. They come over and are belligerent. We try to escape. They laugh and say they aren't legal in this state but they are just over the Delaware border. We drive away and realize we're going the wrong way, so we turn and drive quickly past them again, sticking out our tongues and jeering, feeling safe they can't catch us. We pull into a hotel that has a parking garage so they won't see our car, but as we look out our room windows we see them pull in. We lock the door. Our room is furnished with two bare mattresses. They pound on the door and we hide, hoping they'd go away. They do and then the hinge side of the door pops free and open. We hold it closed, hoping they don't return." }, { "number": "1542", "head": "08/19/89", "content": "I'm in a bus and a facilitator of a group like Mobility International. One of the guys gets outside the bus and clings to the outside as we are driving fast down the road! I insist that he come back inside. He refuses. It's a power struggle. I point out he could be in danger. He points out he's just fine. I call up to the driver, \"Stop the bus. We won't go until you come in.\" He comes in, upset with me. I go up front to explain to the driver and Susie what happened. We continue the journey, but I keep having those kinds of standoffs with other group members. They are not cooperating and I'm getting tired of having to keep them in line." }, { "number": "1543", "head": "08/20/89", "content": "I get up at 5:30 a.m. to go fishing with Rigo. Jake fixes my van." }, { "number": "1544", "head": "08/20/89", "content": "I'm at a hotel. B B of the community college is the owner We are gathered around a table. I notice Phyllis (a TV star on Rhoda) is not there and I say to B. she should see what's in her safety deposit box. B goes and looks. She comes back and confides that there's millions of dollars in there. I nod knowingly. \"She robbed the bank,\" I say. B suggests we don't tell and split the money. I notice Phyllis is among us now and shush B, but too late. Phyllis hears. She asks the crowd how many would agree to keep silent and split the money. Lots of hands go up. I tell them they will be accomplices. They don't care. I quietly leave to go tell the police. Several others go to their embassies to tell. So we come back, followed by platoons of each group. I have squad cars, one Arab has white-robed Arabs all in a row, etc." }, { "number": "1545", "head": "08/21/89", "content": "I'm going out to meet my \"division.\" Another group is waiting to go out. I pass them. They look uncertain and envious of me. I smile and call out, \"Remember, you make the rules.\" My division sees me and they call out happily, \"B B.\" I grin and wave." }, { "number": "1546", "head": "08/21/89", "content": "I'm in an English class. Bonnie is with me. I leave the class and bus somewhere to find this professor to ask him to lecture at the OCA conference. He seems reluctant and I continue to press. He finally agrees. I bus back and almost pick up another girl's homework paper. I tell her she left them behind. She's grumpy and doesn't care." }, { "number": "1547", "head": "08/21/89", "content": "I'm a river animal of some sort and I'm lazily paddling in my nice creek. I see fish swimming, my dinner later on. I smile, floating on my back and feeling good about my nice river. I get out and explore a commercial restaurant kitchen. I waddle up some stairs and see a double swinging glass door to the lobby. I am tempted to go through, but remember that the last time I did that I couldn't find my way back, so I return to my creek. Kitchen people comment on me as I pass, \"Did you see that? Wasn't it cute?\" \"Someone should pick it up.\" \"Not me!\" I see three or four more poodle dogs in a side alcove. A man says, \"They're mine. I'm waiting for the other sexed dog to arrive.\" I see someone leading a female poodle toward them and am glad I'm not here with three or four sexual males awaiting her." }, { "number": "1548", "head": "08/22/89", "content": "A beautiful blonde-haired, blue-eyed young woman in ringlets and a gold chip hat (dressed like in Little Women) comes in and hugs Lydia saying, \"Oh! You were that cute little one.\" She then comes close up to me and looks into my eyes before she hugs me. She says, \"Do you remember me?\" I say, \"No, I don't. Are you one of the California cousins?\" She laughs and hugs and moves on." }, { "number": "1549", "head": "08/22/89", "content": "I'm in a movie on a huge floating dock. It's a small part and I'm almost through, kind of routine stuff. Suddenly a huge whale breezes through and I am catapulted around and thrown into the water with the whale. He wants to play. He likes me, but I am terrified because I don't know if he's going to eat me or accidentally drown me or what. The water is nearly black and dark. I slide under and am afraid, and then I find a place to crawl back up on the dock. Someone else is out in the water and I am relieved to be \"safe.\" The whale seems to want only me. He has a crush on me." }, { "number": "1550", "head": "08/24/89", "content": "I'm in the passenger seat. Howard is driving and as I talk to him I call him \"Father.\" He says, \"Did you hear what you said?\" I say, \"Yes, I meant to say that! You are acting like him and I don't like it.\"" }, { "number": "1551", "head": "08/24/89", "content": "My mother and I are at Ginny's house taking a tour of it. I ask where the bedroom is, in German. \"Wo ist der___?\" Then I laugh and say, \"That's not French; how do you say it in French?\" My mother says, \"Su a huiet.\" I say, \"Oh yeah. That's it.\"" }, { "number": "1552", "head": "08/24/89", "content": "A young boy is full of energy and misbehaving. A monkey gets drowned and left for dead. I pick it up out of the water and do resuscitation. It revives. The boy is very happy." }, { "number": "1553", "head": "08/25/89", "content": "I'm packing to go camping. I get my dream symbol book and choose two Georgette Heyer books." }, { "number": "1554", "head": "08/25/89", "content": "Howard is married to another woman and the three of us are walking. I'm in the middle. I tell her, \"After all, I've know Howard since we were kids. I transferred to M City High in the sophomore year and he transferred in his junior year.\" He says, \"No, in the 8th grade.\" I say, \"At any rate, I only knew you from the sophomore year.\"" }, { "number": "1555", "head": "08/25/89", "content": "I'm looking for a bathroom. I round a corner and am surprised to see Bonnie seated in the hall. She's volunteering to staff a room she sits next to and watches. I say \"Hi,\" and then change my mind about the bathroom because police are coming. I go out looking for the exit. I see a man and he and I get into a water fight. We each have a garden hose and are pouring cold water on each other. I see his hair freezing into strands of ice. I decide to stop this before we get hurt. He's all curled up on the floor in the coldness." }, { "number": "1556", "head": "08/26/89", "content": "Jake and I are working together to save some packages in the freezer from freezer burn. We are putting stickers and tape on the open places. Valerie comes along and wants to talk to me. I want to stay connected with Jake and I want to listen to her. I hope she isn't upset with me and understands." }, { "number": "1557", "head": "08/27/89", "content": "I decide to do the dishes. There's just a few left to do. I start in and it feels nice to be cleaning up a job that's been sitting around for a while, and then I notice I'm going to be late! So I hurry away to change. I wear black and red. I see another woman next to me and realize with surprise that she and I are transfusing our blood to each other through tubes hooked into our legs. I hadn't felt them put in the needle. After that's all over, I get ready to go to a very fancy party, at a spiffy uptown address. At the last moment I pick up a red ribbon for my hair. It's very ornate, with black on one side, red on the other and becomes a mask for my face. All the fragile curly cues are attached to a center of plastic like a false fingernail that I glue to my nose. I look very beautiful. As I walk out people stop and stare at my beauty. A huge crowd is outside seated on benches. I see a line of women in maroon shirts and notice it clashes with my red. Then I see a young Clyde (my Granddad) seated. We smile at each other." }, { "number": "1558", "head": "08/28/89", "content": "I'm an Asian man. My woman has run away and I'm running to catch her. I hear a siren behind me and wonder if I'd done something wrong. I'm on a narrow sand spit with water on both sides. As I get out there, I see a violent teen boy coming at me and I turn to run back. I have a bag (black) with a baby, a crochet hook and a gun in it. He stops me and I know I must protect the baby. I reach in for the hook, to give it to him in appeasement and I clumsily let him see the gun. We grapple for the bag and I grab the baby out and throw the bag into the water. I step on it to make it sink faster and huge air bubbles escape. I feel fear, excitement and a sense of being trapped for a moment. I fear the baby is in the bag. The sand spit now is a deflated air mattress and my floating is precarious." }, { "number": "1559", "head": "08/28/89", "content": "My parents are in a car. I'm following, wind in the face. We get to the school where they are going to help me do some paper work. They go in and I can't find a wheelchair ramp. Then I do and find a grumpy woman to ask directions. She takes me down a long hall, complaining that she can't breathe as she walks and hangs her shirt on a clothes line with herself in it so she can rest. I get angry at her and turn to go back and find the room. I see a sign that says \"B's Enterprises Brothel.\" I sneer, \"Who did that! \"The woman is proud to say she did. It is in vibrant pink colors. [BL]" }, { "number": "1560", "head": "08/31/89", "content": "Bonnie and I are in a room and there is a rattler snake. I am afraid of it. Bonnie is unconcerned and picks it up by the tail and I cry out in fear that it will bite her. She laughs at me as it wriggles around nearly biting her and then nearly biting me. I move away, fearful and angry at her for putting me in this danger. She thinks I'm being silly." }, { "number": "1561", "head": "09/01/89", "content": "I and a man dance a bunny hop kind of step through a long double line of people who are clapping their hands. On the way back, I sing a lasagna recipe in a blues style. Then I get to my kitchen and tell people not to mind the mess. I don't like to do dishes. They are piled high, everywhere. There are lots of strange-looking glasses, blue, pretty, odd-shaped, multi-colored. I then stand at one of three sinks and start washing dishes. The sink is long and narrow and it's hard to reach the dish drainer. Later, I move to the side and see that that's the original correct place to stand." }, { "number": "1562", "head": "09/02/89", "content": "I'm on a motorcycle on an asphalt path. A guy on a motorcycle ahead of me is going slower than I am and I want to pass, but he doesn't notice and is in my way. I finally get around him, and go down a side path down a steep hill to a curio store. I see Indian dolls; one is supposed to be Theresa. I pick it up and think about buying it and decide not to. I already have lots. I see agates and stones and jewelry, etc. I don't buy anything. I decide to pack up my car and leave. I remember I have a pistol and decide to find it and put it in the front seat with me in case I need it. Usually I don't think ahead and have things ready so I can't help myself. There is something about protecting against my father. So I think its in my blue backpack, but it's not, but I find mint chocolate candies and put a patty of one on the front seat. I look in my suitcase and find the holster pistol. Now I drive and see signs for a junction of Hwy 9 and Hwy 6. I can't remember which one I should take, so I get out and walk back to reread the sign. I look at two or three before I find it. 7 goes to E City and then down the coast. Both highways get to my destination, but I choose 7 as my route, regretting having to back track home first. I go back to the car and see Ben Mitchell dancing by himself with a radio in his ear (headphones). He's really rocking out! I walk up to him. He hugs me and says he likes me. He wants me to find two handouts from my workshops to give to his brothers who need the information. I look through lots of paper to find the copy. I don't want him to take my original handwritten notes. I'll need them. A woman, Rebecca, is the sister of these men. I tell her, \"Your brother is inarticulate and intelligent. He will find his way.\" (I mean Theresa's brother.)" }, { "number": "1563", "head": "09/03/89", "content": "I wanted to have a relationship with this guy but he didn't know how to go about it. Tyler would give me advice and I'd try it but \"John\" looked at me and sneers, \"She's 10 pounds overweight.\" Tyler defends me by saying, \"It's the way her clothes are, they make her look fat.\"" }, { "number": "1564", "head": "09/03/89", "content": "Ginny and I are looking at books on a shelf. I see two of them by Cole, something about the meaning of life." }, { "number": "1565", "head": "09/03/89", "content": "Tyler is getting into an elevator and I call out, \"Wait, I'll go with you,\" and I push the button of the elevator, but even though I barely touched the button, the elevator moves quickly and too far. Tyler gets out and lectures me on how to do it properly. I feel embarrassed and angry. I defend myself, \"I barely touched the button.\" He says, \"You have to learn not to drag your finger.\"" }, { "number": "1566", "head": "09/04/89", "content": "I go up to the fourth floor of the center building, looking for Rita's creativity class. I'm the guest speaker. I see a big crowd in the halls. I ask Rita if class will start soon or if I have time to go get lunch. She says, \"Five minutes,\" so I say \"Good, it's too crowded out there anyway.\" I see lots of orchids and calla lilies in green florist paper and comment on their beauty. Rita, who is glad to see me, says that the students brought them in. An angry young man enters the room and talks. He's complaining and noisy! I don't think Rita is handling it well, so I start my class lecture. He leaves. I use an allegory example from my childhood. I say, \"Maybe the only way I can get my family to notice me is to make noise or trouble.\" So I shove some blocks and toys off a hassock onto the floor. Then I talk about filters. We are communicating to each other through many layers of ideas. So I talk about my mother having her filters and so by the time my noise gets to her, she's responding to that, not to my inner message of need. So I describe her reaction. \"Be quiet. What's wrong with you behaving in this bad way.\" Her voice is angry and sarcastic. Rita and a woman student flinch at the strong negative picture I describe of my mother. I feel a little guilty. Maybe I went too far. The students admire me and my insights." }, { "number": "1567", "head": "09/05/89", "content": "I'm in a swim pool at some kind of a Uni house reunion. I go up a flight of stairs and go down one and think, \"How, silly! What a waste of energy.\" I notice that Ginny is hung over from last night's festivities. Jen H has moved my bed and my head will rest in a different direction. It bothers me a little. I go back upstairs. Nat III comes up and I don't recognize him at first. He admires me. Another one comes up and says, \"You've sure gained weight.\" I tell him about the cortisone. It's my excuse. He doesn't completely buy it." }, { "number": "1568", "head": "09/06/89", "content": "Merle and his wife are having a party and I'm there. She doesn't like me too much, but as time goes on, she gets to know me and its OK. I smoke her cigarettes, and later, offer to buy my own pack of Salem's (her brand is stronger)." }, { "number": "1569", "head": "09/06/89", "content": "Merle sees a sore on my leg and looks at it and then wipes my butt. I smile, embarrassed and amused at him. He says, \"She's got some sort of infection of the rear.\"" }, { "number": "1570", "head": "09/07/89", "content": "Someone brings me some toy-like things that are promo's for a new play. I am supposed to display them to do PR, but I only want to keep them. They are so cute. I see a line of women who look like Ru, in wheelchairs! Each has a lap full of stuff. She's moving out of her room and her family is here to help her. Her dad and brothers are sort of tough Okies. I see a kitten whose head has been caught temporarily because a hassock stool has rolled too close. I know I need to let the kitty do it herself, but I feel sorry for it and move it. The kitty is mad at me and goes and hides. I go back to Ru's room. I look in. She's seated on her bed and one of her sisters is doing new wallpaper. She (Ru) says, \"See the new floor covering?\" It's a flower print linoleum. I am amazed her family completely transformed her room in just a short time - yellow and white fluffy curtains, matching bed spread, lots of ruffles. It's pretty. I go to my room (like a dorm or hospital) and notice I have paint and am relieved. It's easier to do than wallpaper. I sit in my bed and am putting white pearl nail polish on my left thumbnail. A nurse comes in and wants me to apply a jelly-like substance to my \"infected (affected) area,\" the vagina (the jelly is like diaphragm jelly!). Instead, I wipe yellow diarrhea off my butt and then put the jelly on the vagina. Before I did this, I asked a nurse to pull the blinds. She was incompetent and couldn't follow my directions." }, { "number": "1571", "head": "09/07/89", "content": "Ginny and her sister look alike. I say, \"There are two Ginny's here! How can that be!\" She laughs and says, \"This is my sister.\"" }, { "number": "1572", "head": "09/08/89", "content": "Joseph and I are going to dance (Indian dance like at a pow-wow). But in order for him to teach me, we need to find a sharp straight edge at a 45 degree angle. Then I see two woven baskets and I am working on unraveling a third so I can rebuild it well. Someone asks if I can sell one, but I say, \"No. Sorry. They're all gone.\"" }, { "number": "1573", "head": "09/08/89", "content": "I walk into a big hall where there's a pancake feed going on. I feel very good, walking so easily and without pain. I pick up a huge tray of pancakes only cooked on one side. I carry them in and walk down a long line of tables. I see Aunt Rosalie and Uncle Gus seated alone near the end. I sit down across from them. I ask my mother to bring me a glass of milk, explaining that I had thought there was one here already, but it seems someone removed it. Uncle Gus stutters and drools a little. Aunt Rosalie looks emotionally exhausted and nervous. Someone asks me if I'm really going to ask him about the incest stuff and I firmly nod my head yes. I look at him and ask, \"Tell me about it.\" He is shaken, like a child and scared. He stutters that he only did it to Darcy as a baby once and then Rosalie explained to him how it was wrong. He didn't quite see how, since Darcy wanted it, but it must be so. I realized he was a broken and ill man, not capable of understanding his own culpability. I laid off more questioning; it just didn't matter any more." }, { "number": "1574", "head": "09/09/89", "content": "We were going camping near a river. We decided to pitch tents at the bend so we can keep an eye on both the shallow part and the deeper, more rapid part at the same time. The small children will play in the shallows part and the teens in the deeper part. I see my tent and my towel is set up right on the sink. I brush my teeth. A married couple says I can sleep in their tent and the implication is that no one will have sex so I won't be embarrassed." }, { "number": "1575", "head": "09/11/89", "content": "I'm in a church. Four of us are the \"elders\" who take the wine sacraments to the congregation. We stand facing each other in a square and bow our heads so the minister can pray over us. As he does, a beautiful angel comes and puts its wing over my shoulder and whispers to me. It is telling me I'm going to have a good relationship with the guy opposite me, a nice quiet family man. I am, of course, quite shocked to be having an angel talking to me and can't concentrate on my job. The little wine glasses jiggle and tremble and I spill wine in the tray. He helps me clean it up. As we walk back up the aisle, he helps me carry the tray so we don't spill anymore. We go to the kitchen area and pour off the spilt wine in a cup. I suggest we take it to the vestry as it is blessed wine. Then we go to the handshaking line and its too late, everyone's gone through (we are supposed to stand with the minister and shake hands with the departing people), so he starts typing a letter. I see a small 4-month-old baby. I go over and pick it up and cuddle it. An 8-year-old girl sees me and says I don't mind if she's going to be with my daddy, but she doesn't have to pick up the baby without permission! I didn't hear her and I go to the man and say, \"Look at this cute baby.\" The man grins because it's his baby. I say, \"You can hold it. I hope it isn't afraid of you. I'll finish typing the letter and you hold the baby.\" He agrees. As I'm typing, or trying to, the girl comes up to her daddy and says, \"It's OK. I like her.\" He shushes her, embarrassed, and I did hear this time and now realize what's going on. He suggests we finish at his house, as he's cooking a turkey and doesn't know how, maybe I could help?" }, { "number": "1576", "head": "09/13/89", "content": "There is a little doll that moves so cute and life-like. Her mouth makes cute baby sounds. I think she's adorable. I call Veronica over to see her, and now she only does little ordinary moves. Veronica is not impressed." }, { "number": "1577", "head": "09/13/89", "content": "I tell Theresa I'm probably being paranoid but I don't think its a good idea to use someone's Visa # because others could use it over the telephone and then we'd be in trouble." }, { "number": "1578", "head": "09/14/89", "content": "I'm walking carefully up a steep incline like an enclosed ramp. Someone doesn't want me to make it, and puts things in my way." }, { "number": "1579", "head": "09/20/89", "content": "Aunt Charlotte is seated. She's just had a baby a few months ago and I hear she's pregnant again. I say scornfully, \"Again!\" and feel embarrassed because I see she's heard me. She still looks pregnant and full-breasted from the last baby." }, { "number": "1580", "head": "09/20/89", "content": "A woman is there and I'm impressed that I know her. After all, she's from LA music/concert scene. I tell people I spoke to her. It impresses them." }, { "number": "1581", "head": "09/20/89", "content": "I see a parade. A long and large group of women are marching and they all are naked from the waist up. Lots of big boobs. Some have a towel around their neck that drapes down, partially covering themselves. I see them pass by and feel concern that they will get hassled. Sure enough, a group of men whistle and make lurid remarks, then I see the group marching back, in retreat. One man is leaning on the back of one woman like a dog fucking from behind. I am furious at them and him in particular. I feel sorry for the woman. The police are following the couple trying to pry the guy off the woman. They reform and start to march again. I come out onto the sidewalk and see a few men standing nearby. I stare at them angrily. One man says, \"Uh! oh! Here's a feminist.\" I don't respond to him, but belligerently glare. Another man approaches a man in a wheelchair and starts to make inane stereotyped remarks. I turn to him and say, \"First sexism and now handicapism. Be careful, you are making a fool of yourself in public.\"" }, { "number": "1582", "head": "09/21/89", "content": "I am trying to counsel a series of people who are deaf. One man won't look at me so I can lecture or counsel him. So I write on a paper, \"Damn prig.\" He is shocked and then reads my lips. I am pretty good at helping them. Now I'm in the back seat of my car. A woman wants to get in. She can't decide if it should be the front or back seat. I hope she doesn't taker the driver's seat, but she does. Then I see an opportunity and take over. Then three women want a ride home and I ask them where they live because if its too far, I won't do it. They give their addresses and I nod, OK, even though one is pretty far away." }, { "number": "1583", "head": "09/21/89", "content": "I'm in my power chair, but the left side is gone and it needs fixing. I go to this industrial building to find a genius engineer to revamp my chair so its like a manual but fast and powerful. I can't get through a barrier so I move two bikes out of the way. They keep sliding down from the wall and I get frustrated putting them back up. I go in and see a group of men, one in a huge chair. The rest are standing. I pass up the chair guy and ask for Jim Short, the engineer. The man is not helpful, but finally agrees to show me where he is. I had to convince him I knew what I was talking about. He gets into a cart with toys in it and we go down a tunnel that is cement and dark. He goes slow and I say in exasperation, \"I can go faster than this.\"" }, { "number": "1584", "head": "09/21/89", "content": "I'm in a car feeding french fries to three children, feeling selfish because I ate them first. The driver says, \"75 cents for a cup of coffee! Oh, well, my mother wanted me out of the house for a while, you know how it is.\" I nod and then she is a woman that looks like Patricia and I think, \"No wonder you (Lydia) don't like her.\" We come to a house and see a child bathing in water coming out of a broken pipe. \"Oh look,\" says Patricia, pleased. \"Yeah,\" I say, but that means it's not fixed yet." }, { "number": "1585", "head": "09/25/89", "content": "I am a teen and I've been invited to sit at the head table with the rich and intelligent ones. I am honored. They ask me if I think classical or rock music is better. I say definitely classical. An old man is dying. At first they won't let me into see him because I'm so young, but my sensible attitude and emotional strength are seen and I am permitted. I hug him, weeping. We say goodbye. I go on and become an intellectual genius having taken \"ap\" classes in high school and learning in a single-minded fashion. [BL]" }, { "number": "1586", "head": "09/30/89", "content": "It's a kissing contest. The guys are lined up. I decide to get in the women's line, the only one in a wheelchair. There is some surprise and a little jeering. I come up to the first guy in line, William Shatner. He sticks out his hand and I shake it. I say, \"This is a kissing contest!\" So I start to kiss him and he turns his cheek. I feel hurt. I go to the next guy. He kisses me honestly and sweetly. I am a good kisser and he sighs and says, \"Wow.\" William Shatner realizes he's missed something good and wants to kiss me now. I am very angry and yell at him and hit him, \"What a jerk. You thought I was just an uninteresting cripple and go to the next one.\" It's a package and I try to unwrap it. I have trouble cutting the strings, but finally open it and see a folded up yellow shirt. I look for a face where the head of a man should be. I lift up the collar and see an identical shirt and laugh. Then I see a name card behind that, \"Robin Williams.\" I say I'd like to kiss him! I go to the next one, Burt Lancaster. He is eloquent and classy. He picks me up and with each long kiss he puts me in a Fred Astaire dip. Everyone oohs and ahhhs and applauds. I love it. I'm such a good kisser, he doesn't want to stop. I go on to others. I vote Burt the best male kisser. They vote me the best female kisser." }, { "number": "1587", "head": "10/01/89", "content": "Michael J. Fox is in a parade in Vietnam. I go up to him, a little in awe, and walk beside him. I am pleased he permits me to stay and seems friendly." }, { "number": "1588", "head": "10/01/89", "content": "I have a wealthy, large house and I'm walking through it noticing all the luxurious niceties. I go down a long flight of stairs and look out back. I see a camp structure, an overhang roof on ropes and love it. It is special, North American Indian and from the past. I prefer to spend my time there than in the house. I call Howard' s attention to it. Later, I am the boss woman in the strawberry fields, overseeing my workers. I go back through the house, now noticing it looks ill kept and ordinary on the outside and glad of it because no one will rob it then. I notice the back porch and that special camp place are really nice looking and I can't wait to get there." }, { "number": "1589", "head": "10/03/89", "content": "I am in love with an Indian whose name is Orange. It's a special and warm relationship. I also am very attracted to this white guy that's like an actor in \"Crossing Delancy.\" The two of them walk off together and I worry they will fight and I will lose them both. When they come back, I see they have exchanged hats and I am so happy. It means they have reached an understanding and both still love me." }, { "number": "1590", "head": "10/03/89", "content": "I'm on a rock cliff and there's a dark storm going on. An earthquake happens. Now I'm in the water and swim away from the cliff because of the falling rock. The water is dark, cold and has very high swells. As I get out deeper, I see a shark fin, and become afraid of deep sea monsters. I'm stuck now. There are monsters to the left of me, falling rocks to the right. I go back toward shallow waters. Then the quake stops and I get back on land. My mother calls over from the apartments across the rocky ridge. She wants to go on the beach and wants to know if it's safe. I look out and see the tide's out and people are playing on the sand. I prefer being on the dry sand; it seems safer than the rock or the water. So I say, \"Let's go.\" We go out to find things. I find two ink pens. I notice the tide is coming back in and warn Ellie. I see three books in a hole in the sand. I try to pick them up but the tide comes in and I get knocked down and all wet. I say, \"Oh, no. I got wet and cold for nothing!\" I go toward shore. There are little cubicles that people live in. Their beds and things are all stacked up in there." }, { "number": "1591", "head": "10/03/89", "content": "I find chocolate flavored toothpaste. I laugh and decide to buy it. Then a man offers me a set of books that will help me write better. One is a classic, some good kids' books and a small miniature Holy Bible. I think, \"I've already got one,\" but I decide to buy the set. I feel they will help me." }, { "number": "1592", "head": "10/04/89", "content": "I am sitting, fully clothed, on a toilet in a waiting room area. I don't have to go to the bathroom, but I feel safer or better there. Twice the saleslady peeks in and asks if I'd rather come out where it's more comfortable. I say, \"I'd rather stay here,\" and then I realize maybe someone else might need the bathroom so I get up and go out. There are two couches and I pick up my mail. There are lovely surprises there: boxes of samples and things I'd sent for. I start to sit on a couch (I think I'm waiting for my van to be fixed), but the sales lady's papers are there so I apologize and start for the other couch. She apologizes and says, \"No. Please sit there.\" So I do. I tell her I was sick in the night, but then I got better." }, { "number": "1593", "head": "10/05/89", "content": "I'm at T City. I see Dora. I go to Russia. His royal majesty comes up to me. I bow my head in respect hoping I'm following customs of this land correctly." }, { "number": "1594", "head": "10/05/89", "content": "I am standing on a small piece of land. There is a huge body of water to my left and in front of me. A single tree stands to my right. Someone says, \"Here's the forest.\" I laugh and say, \"Some forest!\" There is one tree left. All the rest have been chopped down. I see two people seated under the water. I wonder how they can breathe. One rises up and starts approaching me. I get scared because this is a \"siren,\" a spirit that wants to lure me away. She starts to bite on my ankle. I move so that she ends up biting the base of the ancient tree. If I'd let her bite me, I'd have been a goner. She hovers near and keeps trying. I must focus my energies on keeping away from her. I see a single line of ancient trees stretched out in front of me (in single file), the last remains of a huge and lush forest. The land is totally barren. I must walk across the cut branches (stumps) to get to safety. The water roils and seems threatening. [BL]" }, { "number": "1595", "head": "10/05/89", "content": "I am in a long hall and reach a door. A male siren spirit in a white tuxedo or formal dinner jacket approaches me. I'm backed up to the door and can't get it open. He's coming closer and I'm afraid, maybe he'll kill me. Maybe there will be pain, but as his transparent body floats into mine, I become aware of love and passion and don't want to leave. I can't feel him physically but I feel his emotions. They are intense and I am so hungry for those good feelings, I don't attempt to escape." }, { "number": "1596", "head": "10/08/89", "content": "I'm in an acting class. One woman doesn't like me. I am trying to make some very colorful posters with pictures and ribbon. The top border ribbon is red and says \"Mexico\" on it. It looks plain and unfinished and I keep trying to make it change. Finally it is pretty. I get up on a ladder or some boxes that are off balance and I try to tie the poster to some nails. I have trouble. I use thumb tacks and have several in my mouth. Finally I get four or so of them up. The woman is angry at me because I succeeded and she didn't." }, { "number": "1597", "head": "10/08/89", "content": "I'm in a river raft in the back. A man is in the front. I tell him I can't swim. He says, \"Hang on.\" We hit the rapids. The raft is tipping up and I throw myself onto the man to put more weight in the front. It works and I'm pleased with myself for quick thinking. I also like being there in a semi-embrace with him. We come through a tunnel of white water and are safe. [BL]" }, { "number": "1598", "head": "10/08/89", "content": "I am now returning to the acting class. I go too far down the hall to a room where ritzy, well-dressed people are. I back track and find the room. The woman teacher is there and I ask her if she would mind if I could be an assistant director. She says, \"How will this help?\" I start counting on my fingers how it would help. \"First, for me,\" I say and I pause and repeat it because it felt selfish to say for me first. But I decide it is proper and I say, \"For me, I would gain skills and experience. For you, after I learn blocking, I could run some of the rehearsals and you could have time off.\" \"I'll have to ask the class,\" she says. I agree and point out one woman will say no. She doesn't like me. So I tell the class how I've married this Protestant. They ask if my father is angry. I say, \"No because I divorced my Catholic family.\" Then a woman sadly says, \"At first, he won't read your letters and then later, when he dies, he'll speak of you in his last words.\" She cries. \"It was like that with her dad,\" someone says. \"But your sister will be angry and hurt.\" I agree it was like that with my father. They vote me in, all except the one woman. [BL]" }, { "number": "1599", "head": "10/09/89", "content": "I see Aunt Bridget, who tells me she has cancer. Then she runs for the ladies' room and throws up (from chemo). I realize she's mostly naked and I take her clothes so that at least she won't be embarrassed. There is throw-up all over the floor. I carefully walk through it, trying not to step in any. I feel empathy for Bridget and disgust at the throw-up." }, { "number": "1600", "head": "10/10/89", "content": "It's 1:30 am and I let some talented piano players play a grand piano at my parents' house. I shush him because he's too loud and might wake up my parents. They do wake up but aren't too upset. The piano player asks, \"What happened to his computer? Is he poor?\" I explain they used to be poor, but are doing much better now. I go and ask him what happened to his computer. He says, \"It's being fixed and will be returned.\"" }, { "number": "1601", "head": "10/10/89", "content": "It is Willie's funeral and I am coming in. As I get to the door, I am standing with a guy who looks like Nat Ivy of LLG and like Willie. He's cute to look at, but he keeps embarrassing me with his outrageous comments. He looks in at the gathered people through the glass windows. He says, \"Look at those niggers.\" I am scandalized and shush him. He points to the black people in the back row. He and I walk in. I'm kind of cuddled up to him and following where he goes. He goes to the front of the room and dances in a closet with skeleton/Star War troopers. It's kind of kinky, sexy. I am embarrassed. He gets out and we walk around to the back of the room. We watch an instant review of a video where this blonde guy comes in and realizes Willie is dead and he yells and sobs, \"No! No! It isn't possible!\" He's embarrassed he was caught off guard. I see my cousin Dora seated facing us, people around her. I want to join her but can't because this is Willie's funeral and yet I am with an alive Willie. We sit down on a side bench and play silly \"lover\" games with our hands, like we can't touch each other and then accidentally touch and hold hands and then break away, giggling. We repeat that over and over." }, { "number": "1602", "head": "10/11/89", "content": "I am with Theresa at a meeting. I have decided to take peyote. I swallow it and wait. I'm scared and excited to see if I'll throw up or die or what." }, { "number": "1603", "head": "10/11/89", "content": "I am hiding from something (maybe war) and I spend lots of months in a cellar of a woman's house. It's cold and damp and empty, but I'm alive. I come out when its safer. I see the woman of the house who shows me the special rooms she had prepared to hide me, with beds and doilies and lots of pretty things. I see a blue cup with the picture of a cat on the inside and I'm holding my cat under my arm who sticks her nose into the cup to see it better. I say, \"How pretty it is,\" hoping she'll give it to me, but she doesn't. I walk up a flight of stairs and look out the window (see drawing). I come back down and the woman apologizes for my dreadful stay in her cellar. I say, \"Hey! At least I'm alive. I thank you for my life.\" I am grateful to her even though I couldn't reach the nice place in time." }, { "number": "1604", "head": "10/12/89", "content": "I am seated on a ledge on a cliff. A crackling fire is burning. I stare into the flames. Then I hear a noise and stand to peer out into the darkness. I see my two black feet on the ledge from the perspective of a critter sneaking up on me." }, { "number": "1605", "head": "10/12/89", "content": "I want to clean up things in this storage area. I'm painting a sort of closet/box. Someone comes by to help. They start painting the outside wall green. \"No,\" I say, \"Not there. On the front inside panel.\" (It looks like the enclosure around my heat pump.) Then there's a wall toilet, long and narrow like in some public restrooms, the kind you can't figure out how to sit. The woman says, \"I think I'll flush it before I clean it.\" I say, \"Go ahead but no one's used it.\" I look in to see urine and four used, but not bloody, sanitary napkins. I'm embarrassed she saw that. I blame Ellie." }, { "number": "1606", "head": "10/12/89", "content": "I'm in my apartment which was made out of a school building. People stroll in and out. I see three men at the far end writing on a blackboard. I walk over to them and say, \"I know it doesn't look like it, but you are in my home.\" He holds up the chalk eraser. I say, \"I know, pretty unusual in a home, but its true.\" I walk them out, only to discover a classroom full of people. I realize the landlord has allowed them to share my entryway. So I suggest to the teacher that we share costs for a barrier partition. Then I see a man at the other end and I go to him and say, \"What do you think you are doing? This is a home.\" He's seated on my couch with another woman; they are talking. He says to her, \"How about coming over to my place?\" meaning sex. She sighs and apologizes for being sympathetic, and thereby misleading him. She says, \"Girls are like that.\" I say to him, \"There's the front door.\" I'm disgusted with him. I look out on the porch and see Jake playing the piano, so I feel a little safer." }, { "number": "1607", "head": "10/16/89", "content": "I'm in Paris, France with H and I'm frustrated and angry at her." }, { "number": "1608", "head": "10/16/89", "content": "I see long rows of tree-like sticks that are my body cells in enlarged form (see drawing). As I pass by the front of the lines, I see lots of dusty debris cluttering up the back portion of the cells like giant lint or dust balls. Now I am looking under a house. I see a talis slope of rocks and a small shelf way up under the beams (see drawing). I see like a zoom lens and I'm coming closer to a corner under the eves. A red and white thing is all messed up in a heap there and I feel terror. I think, \"I don't want to see.\" It's like my childhood memories and it will scare me or be too ugly to look at. But as I come closer, it changes into a sweet kitty and it sits there looking at me. I feel better now. The place is dusty and cold and long forgotten, except for that cute kitty." }, { "number": "1609", "head": "10/17/89", "content": "I am hiring Mexicans and blacks to do work. I go into a room and see a small, tiny religious man standing on a chest of drawers. He says there may be a Jesus spirit in any one of these men. I feel ashamed for not paying them fairly." }, { "number": "1610", "head": "10/17/89", "content": "A good-looking man likes me. I decide it's time to do my cleansing ritual. He suggests I do it in the fireplace in the living room with the 25 people seated at the tables watching. I laugh and say, \"No way. The space is too small and all those people watching.\" I imagine they would all politely clap their hands after I accomplished my task, saying in cool, clipped accents, \"That's nice B.\" The guy and I laugh at the silliness of their British audience routine. I say, \"I'll do it in the swimming pool.\" Hasani says, \"It's too cold.\" I say, \"I only have to do it for three minutes. Maybe you could run some hot water into the corner I'll be in.\" She agrees. The man looks at my black swim suit-encased figure admiringly. [BL]" }, { "number": "1611", "head": "10/18/89", "content": "I'm applying for a teaching job. I push a button outside the music room and a taped lecture comes on. I am embarrassed because I don't know how to turn it off and it's loud. I see a digital clock counting the minutes and seconds it will continue. I walk out of the building because there isn't anything else to do. I walk to a mental hospital for war-injured men. I go in and I'm dressed in a suit and heels and look pretty. The men whistle and tease. I look for the head nurse. She's nowhere around. The kitchen is unstaffed. I go talk to the men in their beds. One shares with me a box of papers, their secret plans. I am trusted by some. I need to protect them from the bad head nurse who is dressed in white and is cold to them. I have an argument with her about how the men need normal stuff around them. I am angry at her and run after her and hit her with the right cross fist. We roll on the ground and I'm slapping her tiny-sized head back and forth. Someone is worried I'll kill her, but I let her go, to leave forever. She refuses to change, so I make her leave." }, { "number": "1612", "head": "10/19/89", "content": "I'm on a boat with Ellie and it goes into a cave. The current pulls us deeper and deeper into the darkness. It's scary. We are literally \"going to hell.\" We enter a huge cavern with fluorescent phosphorous lighting. There are bats in there. They flutter near our heads. Around the corner is the center of the earth. We hope we'll go through and go out the other side to daylight and fresh air. The only other choice is to paddle hard against the current." }, { "number": "1613", "head": "10/19/89", "content": "We're on a new highway interchange on the way to M City. We see snow and ski chair lifts as we get to the top of the mountain. I am seated backwards in a chair lift as we come to the top and over. I look down and feel dizzy from the incredible heights. I cling to my chair and try not to look. Suddenly we are at the coast. The whole valley got cut out. We can still take the old highway to get to M City." }, { "number": "1614", "head": "10/22/89", "content": "I am leaving Ginny's to go home, but have to stop off at a hospital because I'd made an appointment with a woman administrator to look at my books (children's books), but I can't remember for sure the time (3:30 or 6:30) and then I can't remember her name. We get there and ask and go to an auditorium where a speaker is talking to a full house. Charla is handed person to person because they think she is so cute. I cry out, \"Give me back my baby!\" I am upset and worried they'll keep her. The crowd is frowning at me. I'm being silly and hysterical. I ask a man what group this is and he finally understands my question and says, \"Illustrators.\" Then the speaker says, \"We ran over three minutes, so you'd better get back to work!\" I was amazed they had such strict \"factory\" like rules about how they work. I go to wait in a coffee shop. Ellie, Ginny and Charla are with me. I lecture Charla on being careful about strangers. I dig through my packs to find my flyers and can't find them, but see a skirt I was going to change into to look more professional. I haven't time now. I feel scattered and frustrated." }, { "number": "1615", "head": "10/23/89", "content": "I'm called into the community college \"Board Room\" to explain some financial decisions I made when I was working at Disability Student Services. I'm nervous and can't imagine what I may have done wrong. I walk in. People are surprised at how improved I am. They have a space without a chair ready for me at the round table. I pull up a chair and sit. A bright spotlight kind of light is shining in my eyes. I see people, women, setting things up. They bring boxes of things. I realize it's going to be an award to honor me. They say, \"Bring them in,\" and I watch as young girls, disabled women and Indian women come in to observe. They nod respectfully at me. I am their sole role model. A male teacher comes in and wants to have his lunch as he usually does in this room. He's annoyed and complains we've taken away his privileges. I suggest he use the teacher's lounge at the other end of the building. He is not happy. He's going to ruin my awards program." }, { "number": "1616", "head": "10/26/89", "content": "Bonnie and I are at a store/restaurant and she orders lots of different food. It comes time to pay the bill. She's had a few glasses of wine and now orders a cute little puppy to take home. We go to the counter to pay and to pick up the puppy. Bonnie is upset that her part of the bill is so much more than mine; she hasn't realized it's because she ate much more than me. I feel angry and guilty so I offer to pay the tip and pull out $3.19 and put it on the table. The sales woman goes to the back room and brings the leftover food orders and a cute puppy. I see a basket of sweet puppies in the back room. I ask to buy a cat. She brings me a black cat and I hold it, pleased. Then she says, \"But you wanted a white cat.\" I feel upset because I like the black cat, but I'm willing to change my mind. I follow her into the back room and she hands me a tiny white toy like those clip-on animals. It's stiff. It had been clipped on a pole with thousands of others crammed together. I am disgusted and say, \"I wanted a real cat.\" It opens its enormous black eyes and I realize the poor thing is alive. I feel sad for it and angry at the woman for the dreadful living condition she forces on these little creatures. I refuse to buy anything from her to teach her a lesson." }, { "number": "1617", "head": "10/27/89", "content": "I am feeling unwell and these men are ruthlessly teasing me. They say I'm no fun, sexually rigid, etc. I try to get away from them. I run upstairs and see two groups of them coming from both ends of the hall. I'm stuck in the middle. He makes me dance with him, pulling me roughly around. I am angry. [BL]" }, { "number": "1618", "head": "10/27/89", "content": "A man wants to make love with me and is flirting. I am haughty and annoyed. He pulls me to him and I suddenly realize I want to make love. I then tell him to meet me at the barn. I go there and wait in the hay loft. He shows up hours later with his guy friends to make fun of me. I hide under hay and behind a pole in a small square hole with hay bales around me. He nearly steps on me and then leaves. I go to the river and swim, naked and sensuous as he watches enviously." }, { "number": "1619", "head": "10/28/89", "content": "I am young and kissing my beau. He wants more and I sense it. I say, \"Do you want more of this?\" He says yes. I say, \"I have to go to the bathroom and think about it. Really.\" So I go into a bathroom and sit on a toilet and pee, and then I walk out to him and hug him, kissing him passionately and say, \"Yes.\" He is so happy and we walk arm in arm, really connected and in love. We pass Jake and Valerie all dressed up and walking together, Jake's arm around Valerie. We are at the Hilton. I smile at them, but they don't respond. I say to my guy, \"Maybe she didn't recognize me because I'm standing.\" She then comes back and says, \"Hi.\" We all walk together. Jake and my guy used to work together and Jake has made it big. He gives my guy 90 (0?) percentage, which pleases him. We walk out past a display in a museum where we see Basaltic rock columns rising and falling. The narrative tells us that that's where the Killer Bees live and thank God, they are disappearing so there's less bees. I see two naked men tortured by being covered with these bees. One man opens his mouth at their command to let them in and out. He is in extreme pain. It is horrible. The bees stored honey in his nipple. I feel sick and walk away. [BL]" }, { "number": "1620", "head": "11/13/89", "content": "I am directing my own play. I see two male twins, dark hair, moustaches. I think it would be fun to write them in and then the play is being performed and I'm in it, looking out at the audience. Then I'm in the audience, watching as Ellie and I are in front of the curtain. I'm on her shoulders and she loses her line and we both fuddle around. I fall down. \"I\" in the audience notices we look very much alike, plump, etc. I crawl and then get up and run off stage, amazed I could do it myself and get ahead of Ellie. Now I'm on stage again and bowing. I see people putting a table and chairs for the awards dinner. I go down and sit next to this old guy. He says he was miserable, but I inspired him. I sigh, \"I suppose you mean my disability.\" He says yes. I am not pleased. It spoils my award dinner and I regret having sat next to him. Ellie is several chairs over to my right." }, { "number": "1621", "head": "11/24/89", "content": "I'm going to a psychology conference and am in the city a day early, so I find another conference to go to so I can stay in a hotel. I go to the desk to get my room assignment and they tell me there's been a change. I owe $170 a night because they only had a \"2 and 1/3\" room, very elite, left. I say, \"Sorry. Can't afford that. You must come up with a regular room.\" They discover they made a mistake and give me a key to a regular room. Mary Sexton is with me and we go find the elevator. We laugh at the unusualness of the elevator. It is roomy, ornate and has two porcelain bowls that at first look like toilets, and mirrors. We get to our floor and pass several alcoves where patrons of the hotel are lying or sitting in cute, ornate barbershop chairs and so on that vibrate, massage and make them laugh. I find my room and go in. It is filled with books, games, videos, and fun things to do. I go to the hall now because I hear the guide calling people to come to the next planned activity. We go outside to see a parade, which isn't much, and then I look up in the sky and see a beautiful spun glass star falling to the lawn. I rush to be the one to catch it and pounce on it like a football tackle, fighting off the hotel employees who want it too. I clutch it as they explain to me they have to have it back. The stars are for show and they cost a lot. But I won't let go. I want that star. It's attached to a fishing line and they try to reel it back, but I hang on doggedly! They finally give up because I have a \"death\" grip on it and won't let go. I take my star and go back toward the hotel. I haven't moved this much in years! I'll sure be sore tomorrow, but it was worth it." }, { "number": "1622", "head": "12/04/89", "content": "Charla and I are getting into my van. I put her in the passenger side and together we hook the seat belt. A car is parked too close to the lift door, so I grab my key out of the door and go over to the driver's side. I try to get in, but Charla is standing in the seat playing with the steering wheel. I ask her to move and she won't so I yell at her, and bodily move her and then I get in. She's crying and I explain to her, \"Do you know why I did that? Because Grandma can't stand up very long. It hurts her.\" She seemed to understand and quiet down. I feel guilty. I see papers, folders and wallets on the parking lot area near us. I get out and pick them up. I throw away the folders (of school kids), keep two nice pens (why waste good ink?) and look into the wallets. There is no money, but lots of stamps, letters and stationery. I think about taking them into the store we're near but decide that's too hard physically and decide to go home and call the owners and have them come pick them up. So I turn out into the street and realize I went past our street. Now I'm at a busy intersection where I have to turn right and that will put me on a busy freeway to the bridge. I say, \"Darn it!\" Charla says, \"What?\" I say, \"I took the wrong turn and now I'm stuck. It will be a ways before we can turn around,\" but as the light changes, I see a way to cross straight and miss the bridge. I hesitate and then go. Now I'm looking for a left turn that will be a through street so I can get back to where I want. All the streets I try are dead end. I'm turning around at one dead end and Charla says, \"I'm going boom,\" which means she's started her period. \"But,\" she continues, \" I don't feel anything sticky.\" I laugh and say, \"You can't start your period for another ten years yet.\" I think she's cute, wanting to grow up so fast and want to remember this to tell her mama." }, { "number": "1623", "head": "12/07/89", "content": "Scattered frenzied images. I am angry at a man and I walk down stairs and gather up my videos and things and take them back upstairs. He yells, \"Not my TV guide.\" He's furious and chases me, throwing things and pouring salt and pepper at me." }, { "number": "1624", "head": "12/07/89", "content": "A man (like Nate) rubs a thick cream on my right thigh. As it soaks in, I am nearly overcome with sexual desire, but I fight it valiantly. I must not give in. A young girl walks toward us innocently. I yell at her, \"Run, run and get Father. If only I can resist until Father comes to save me.\" The man grins and waits for me. [BL]" }, { "number": "1625", "head": "12/09/89", "content": "I am blind and discover my family home has been destroyed and I break into frenzied tears. I sob and my mother is quite surprised at me. I didn't cry when I went blind and now I'm mad with grief over this. I say, \"A house where we all lived together will never be again, and I was going to get married in my father's physics lab.\"" }, { "number": "1626", "head": "12/09/89", "content": "My father and I have a mountain \"luety\" (can't decipher my own handwriting in book) of mined-out gold in it and I must learn physics to get it out. I go to a bar where the class is held and I'm very annoyed because he's going slow for the others and I have lots to learn quickly and haven't time to waste. I learn much quicker than they do. (manr? man?) (see book)" }, { "number": "1627", "head": "12/10/89", "content": "I sell my house and buy another one I think I'll like better, but as I walk around in it, I discover holes, rotten floor boards. It's falling apart. It's smaller. I find a small storage room that I see a long drop to a rock base under the rickety floor board. I see a skull with a hatchet in it. I then compare bills with the previous owner. She owes me $40 and I owe her $40 and more. I can't remember." }, { "number": "1628", "head": "12/10/89", "content": "I am on stage. I have a special guitar for my arthritic fingers and I tease the audience about how I can't play and then I wow them with a great song. Ellie comes on stage and sits facing me at my left. Charla dances on stage and she and I do this little imitative dance of each other's movements. The audience loves us and applauds wildly. I say, \"And this is my granddaughter.\" They applaud again. We go off stage. I can still see the audience through a tall door that was opened so the kids can see." }, { "number": "1629", "head": "12/11/89", "content": "I am at the old M City house, sitting on the front yard, near the bad corner so close to the road I nearly get run over. I see Darryl coming up to the door and I follow him, asking, \"Why did you leave me?\" He can't answer. We go inside and I see all the furniture is different. The piano's in the dining room and the fireplace is on the wrong wall. I see my parents, who smile at me. I walk through the dining room and see the \"pool room\" now transformed into a sweet, pretty sitting room, frilly curtains, china, another fireplace. The kitchen is different too. I look into the stairwell and then return to the living room. Charla follows me. I see Darryl seated in an overstuffed chair and I sit on his lap and Charla joins us. Darryl starts to explain how he tried to come back for me. I feel pulled in two directions: toward Charla (the present or the future) and toward Darryl (the past)." }, { "number": "1630", "head": "12/12/89", "content": "Someone is hitting golf balls into a high wind over a cliff. They don't get far! One person managed to hit one a good distance and we line up golfers to measure how many golfers' length it went. Then someone cheats and moves the ball so we can't be accurate." }, { "number": "1631", "head": "12/12/89", "content": "A baseball game is in progress. I'm in the stands watching. A guy has a box of balls, one has a pumpkin in it that weights it so he can cheat. He's very careful to protect it so no one will know. Then he decides to nonchalantly bounce it around (looks like a small basketball), but he drops it in a pile of other balls and a boy grabs it and runs off. I say, \"It was the redhead. I'll watch for him.\" Now Paul Newman is going up to bat. I stand directly behind him so close our bodies are touching and I copy all his moves. \"I'm playing baseball too,\" I say. He grins at me. Later, he's seated in the stands and I cuddle and I kiss with him. I touch his lips and say, \"Only my lipstick.\" He teases me by pretending he might kiss someone else and I possessively grab him and kiss him long and sweet to keep him to me. He's aroused and we lie down. I am stroking his very hairy arm which is down by his waist so that it's almost like his penis, only furry from the amount of arm hairs. He does have a hard one and I feel good because I \"have\" him." }, { "number": "1632", "head": "12/13/89", "content": "I am walking down the corridor of a hospital and see a new born baby in his bassinet in the hall. The mother is upset and the baby is crying. I go to the baby and caress his head and send \"loving\" vibes to it. It calms down and sleeps. The nurses are very impressed with my ability and ask me to help out with the preemie's who may die if not nurtured. I go to the nursery and am handed a tiny baby that fits into my hands, so unformed, it's face doesn't have skin yet, just muscle and red. I lay it on my left arm and cuddle it. I concentrate all my loving energies toward it. Now the baby looks like a baby. I go to a sink and put water on my arms as that is better for the baby. I feel a need to pee, but can't leave the baby even for a moment. A nurse suggests she get me a bed pan. I try to feed the baby and suddenly it starts sucking at the thin drops of \"mother's milk\" I offered on a tiny tube/stick. At first I'm concerned she will choke, but she really is eating and swallowing, gaining strength. I am pleased and in awe. She's gaining weight. She is surviving! [BL]" }, { "number": "1633", "head": "12/19/89", "content": "I am told to write the story of a 3-year-old girl who spent the \"war years\" in a hidden room, rather comfortably furnished with left over chairs and drapes. Someone says they had remembered it was all cream-colored. I muttered, \"So much for accurate memory.\" She and her mother had been in that room hiding during the Nazi years. So I started writing the story on leftover paper, writing in the patches between other words. Millie comes over and starts to read it. I ask to see hers. She says, \"No. It's not very good. Not like yours. Look at your first sentence. It's so clear, and you spent last night with those Indians, too.\" She meant I'd been busy babysitting some active boys and didn't have time to work on the story." }, { "number": "1634", "head": "12/19/89", "content": "Second dream: I'm on a bus. We are musicians in a band going to our next gig. I am playing my banjo and the others are listening. The music is quite beautiful. I start to put words to the song and come up with, \"Pretty boys, pretty boys\" and then the slow soft melody builds to a crescendo and the words \"anger, anger, anger.\" The boys in the bus lose interest. It had looked to be very special and beautiful song and then I had ruined it by \"trivializing\" the beautiful music. The bus is slowing down and I put the banjo in its case, picking up lots of finger picks that had fallen out on the floor." }, { "number": "1635", "head": "12/19/89", "content": "Third dream: I am standing on a sidewalk and a beautiful Indian man stands at my left. He's a dancer and the music is calling him. He starts to dance away and turns, smiling to invite me to dance with him. He'll teach me how to dance. As we are walking, the scene changes and we are walking into a cathedral. I think to myself, \"How odd. Why am I dreaming a catholic church?\" Then I notice it's a Mexican Mission. We are drawn in as a part of the crowd. We go upstairs and move to seats very close to another Indian man who is preparing his instrument. I am equally attracted to him and go closer. He has a guitar with a printer in it. Other objects are attached to it to make unusual music. I say to my friend, \"Look, He has a large mosquito tied to a string.\" It hums and he amplifies it when it's appropriate. Unique instruments. Later, my dancing friend and I are in a car. He's in the driver's seat and we're about to drive away. (I'm in the passenger seat.) I look out the window and see a two-story house with windows that roll down like car windows and most of them are open. I see two huge bears (grizzlies) starting to get out the windows. I tell my Indian man and he gets out to stop them. I see the two bears followed by a dog running away. In the sky are a helicopter and several planes. I begin to cry, left all alone in the car. I keen and lament, \"I've lost everything I've ever loved.\" My two beautiful Indian men are gone. I weep uncontrollably. [BL]" }, { "number": "1636", "head": "01/06/90", "content": "I am a baby in a crib. I am very afraid. A person comes and stands looking at me. It's one of my parents, but I don't know which one because they have a sack over their head (see drawing). I am screaming in terror because I'm afraid I'll be hurt or thrown out the window. It's leaning toward me. Then I somehow realize that if I smile and am charming, I'll be safe. So I coo and smile and the parent relaxes and I am not in danger. But I still feel the fear under the mask of \"charm.\" It's a heavy burden to never be what you really feel. Now I'm grown up and going downstairs. I see lots of my relatives in the kitchen. They want me to help open the window, a big square thing that opens toward you, like in school. It's over the sink. I have to use a tall stick to reach the opening at the top, and then as it opened, it got kind of wobbly and I had to balance it carefully. Big preparations are going on around me. My mother is dressed up in special \"going to church\" clothes. The foods are rich and plentiful, quite party-like, not the usual fare; like a big family reunion dinner, only better. I am aware of my informal clothes. I ask my mother what's going on. She says, \"We're getting ready to divide up Grandma Mildred and Pa Lloyd's things.\" I ask if everyone will be there, even Aunt Millie. \"Oh yes,\" she says. \"Aunt Millie said she'd be here later.\" We go to the dining room and look for our place tags. I see mine with the package of my \"portion\" of things. It's a plastic bag like a sandwich bag. I open it to see four baby outfits in it. I'm a little disappointed. I look again to see they're changed, to four bras. Then I see a picture of Aunt Millie when she was in high school. I see only half of her face and I say, \"She looks angry\" (see drawing)." }, { "number": "1637", "head": "01/11/90", "content": "I am rehearsing and planning some presentation with a few people. It's lots of work and I finally give up and say to the others, \"I hope you don't mind; let's scrap what we've started. Other groups are just being spontaneous and do something simple and direct.\" They agree." }, { "number": "1638", "head": "01/11/90", "content": "A naked man walking with a white horse follows us, spying. He is hidden in the grasses and I see his eyes peeking out. When he gets close, I realize he's a friend. Then he starts having a heart attack and I hug him as he's lying in my arms. I try to encourage him to stay, but he's dying. He says, \"Tell Susan.\" His name is Charlie and I keep saying \"Charlie, Charlie.\"" }, { "number": "1639", "head": "01/11/90", "content": "A man is gardening in a special gardening room. I join him. The rows are racked and I'm standing at the top looking down at him. The scruffy down and out kids come and he's eager to play with them again, to help them out of their shells of mistrust. They don't respond when he tries to get them to laugh. I grab one and tickle her on the shoulder. She finds this very funny and we roll around laughing, her laugh so beautiful and child-like its catchy. Soon we're all doing it. Someone asks me what's my favorite word and I say, \"laughter.\"" }, { "number": "1640", "head": "01/12/90", "content": "I go into my sister Lydia's house to visit. I see room after room that go far back into the house as I walk from one room to the next saying, \"I had no idea you had so many rooms that she could use.\" An open door led to a restaurant and a waitress heard my remark and agreed. We go into another room and Lydia is upset. She says a man had just had a heart attack and had fallen forward onto a chest of drawers, badly marking the wood and Doug will be upset! I am shocked she had witnessed a death and turn to see this mark, but it's so tiny I can barely see it. I try to soothe her and am annoyed she's so upset about Doug's reaction. We then go outside, we'd gone full circle and have come out a side front door. She says, \"See my beautiful view?\" I look up and suddenly notice a magnificent range of mountains, lush green and wild. I say, \"You really do have a beautiful view.\" I then see quite large people mountain climbing with ropes, some throwing themselves off the mountain and looking terrified and then the rope catching them so they were safe. I say I'd not like to do that. Then we go for a walk by the raging river, all brown and roiling. As I near it, I have to lay down because I feel afraid I'll lose my balance and fall in. We move away and Lydia says it's about ready to do a loop wave and might flood the house. I say, \"Your house gets flooded?\" She says \"Yeah, sometimes.\" Later I get in my van, but before we can leave, I must empty the water from a vacuum cleaner-like thing. I open the sliding door and pour the water from the hose to the curb. It flows and flows and flows. I am amazed (astounded). It is so much water. At one point the van floats like a log and nearly crushes a floating face. I push the van away from the curb, just in time, and feel relieved the near accident was prevented." }, { "number": "1641", "head": "01/13/90", "content": "I am at a big social where crowds of people are milling around getting acquainted. I feel shy and look at all the people as they swirl around me. A man, stocky build like a strong teddy bear, asks me to please be kind and dance with him so he won't have to continue this torture, of being alone and looking. I agree and we dance and dance around and around. He is comfortable, fun and kind. I enjoy his company and vice versa. As we whirl, he says, \"Look at the face on that woman,\" and then turns us so I can enjoy what he saw. We are very much attuned to each other. Finally, I say, \"I have to stop. I have arthritis and need to take some aspirin soon or I'll be hurting badly.\" He is concerned and helpful." }, { "number": "1642", "head": "01/15/90", "content": "Howard is visiting and sleeping in Ellie's room. I am moving photographic enlarger equipment around. He gets up and, out of politeness, I ask what he'd like for breakfast, feeling annoyed that I'm the only one around and have to do it. I list pancakes, eggs, toast, and he smiles and says, \"Thank you.\" \"All of the above, eh?\" I say and sigh. I go to the kitchen and am cooking waffles and so on. Karen and her son are there also and talking to me. Howard is trying to hold my hand and talk to me also. I'm having a hard time trying to listen to all of them. I don't like the fact that he's holding my hand, but I allow it. He's upset because he wants all my attention and he wishes Karen and son would go away. I am touched by his tenderness and also uncomfortable." }, { "number": "1643", "head": "01/15/90", "content": "I am traveling hundreds of miles toward central (state) (or Calif.). I am on a small elephant! The freeway has become a hay field and we are walking through the mown hay in the hot summer sun. My elephant stops to get a drink and fills his trunk up with cold water and sprays it back over himself for a cooling bath. \"Oh, no,\" I groan and try to avoid a bath. I help rub the water over his skin." }, { "number": "1644", "head": "01/15/90", "content": "I go to a woman's house with a pair of pants/shorts for my 36-month-old boy I have in her daycare center. Someone says, \"You know you're here when you see the spectacular view,\" and I turn and see beautiful waterfalls that crash and splash back up the mountain. Then the woman says, \"Look out! Here comes the god in the waterfall,\" and I see a man-shaped waterfall flying around in the air. Everyone is respectful of the power energy and unpredictable nature of this god. I'm now sitting in the back seat of a car with the woman. The god of the waterfall comes to my window and likes me. He's like a man at the moment - full lips, a little plump and sensual. He asks me for a kiss. I agree if he'll exchange one wish for one kiss. He agrees and then floats into the car and we kiss. I kiss very well. He loves it. He's not the best kisser, kind of limp and open-mouthed, but I feel strong tenderness and warmth that I like. Then I try to decide what to wish for. I think about health and happiness and then decide to wish for creativity, the words I need to really write excellent work. He agrees to grant my wish." }, { "number": "1645", "head": "01/16/90", "content": "I'm wearing a fur coat of Rabbit Fur and a bunny sees it and nuzzles the coat, looking for its mama. It's very cute. I pet it." }, { "number": "1646", "head": "01/16/90", "content": "I'm in a sort of huge warehouse and I see a movement. I call out. I want to meet that guy that's been in my dreams lately. I walk to where a hall is and see spare doors lined up and I think the guy is behind one of the doors, hiding. I walk in there, feeling scared. What if he's really a hurtful or scary thing? But I keep going because I really want to meet him. I get up on a box and crawl over a few things and then I see him. He's shy and so am I." }, { "number": "1647", "head": "01/17/90", "content": "I decide to take a relaxing bath. Nothing goes right. I put my robe on a chair and suddenly the chair has moved across the room. The water is an ugly glacier green color. The bath water is nearly overflowing. The sink falls off the wall. I'm amazed no water is springing out of the unhooked pipes! I go out into the hall to a helpful guy that likes me and I say, \"Oh, quick!\" He sees my face and is panicked. I quickly say, \"The sink fell off the wall,\" so he'll relax." }, { "number": "1648", "head": "01/17/90", "content": "Now I'm being a guest DJ in KLAC in E City and nothing goes right! The record player won't work, the tapes are missing, things fall off or are lost. I'm talking and explaining all the while so there will not be any \"dead air space.\" I tell them how I was at Dover at a Mobility International conference and had ghosts in my bath, ghosts taking MY bath! I couldn't say the word \"bath\" correctly. It was more like Napt. Charla comes in and loudly talks. I try to shush her." }, { "number": "1649", "head": "01/18/90", "content": "I'm walking into a movie theatre without a ticket and a man." }, { "number": "1650", "head": "01/22/90", "content": "I'm in bed and Bob B gets into bed with me. He wants to make love. I feel uncertain and feel that I shouldn't because he is Howard's brother and he's married, but I feel sexual and willing to make love to him. I kiss him and we make love. He's not very good. He can't seem to get his penis in good and is a little embarrassed. We roll around and I'm on top and I feel an orgasm, it's too early, but, oh well." }, { "number": "1651", "head": "01/22/90", "content": "My daughter is disgusted with me because I made love to someone in the front yard (M City House). My mother explains to her that it's OK and normal." }, { "number": "1652", "head": "01/23/90", "content": "Charlton Heston and his son are captured. So am I. We are put in a zoo. We are in a pool swimming back and forth like the polar bears. I understand how the bears feel, bored, angry, hopeless. Then we escape and run through the forests. The bad guy that wants us dead owns a shop and we go in and look at the merchandize - black boxes, shiny enamel, huge puppet dolls, tiny miniatures. I'm interested in the minis. He's telling people he'll sell the big things at a discount, so he'll have room for more things. We realize he's after us and escape as we go up a hill. We see he has cannons bombing the village we left. People are dying because he's trying to kill us. We go to another village and steal a small child's chair and go under a table to hide. A woman is already there and is angry at us. She insists we leave. We do and now are in the tree tops swinging from one branch to another! He'll never find us, but we'll be on the run and alone forever. Charlton hands me a life saver. I say, \"Do I have bad breath?\" He says yes. A woman says, \"He didn't think it would be so easy to tell you.\" Then she tells me to take a bath. \"I really stink?\" I ask. She says, \"Yes. Terribly. I'd be inundated with waves of the smell, especially the hope, waves of hope. Disgusting.\"" }, { "number": "1653", "head": "01/24/90", "content": "I open the front door and there is Arvonne, drunk, saying goodnight to some guy. I am surprised because she doesn't live here anymore and she's forgotten that. She goes into the bathroom and washes her face and then goes and falls into her old room, in bed with Charla. I go peek in and see Charla's still asleep, I'm worried Arvonne will be upset at the mess in Charla's room and then worried Arvonne will be angry if Charla wakes up and is noisy. Then I'm worried Ellie will be angry when she hears Arvonne is here and I don't want her here, but feel timid about doing anything. I tell Ellie and she's pissed. I try to smooth it all out." }, { "number": "1654", "head": "01/24/90", "content": "I'm having a few friends over - my father, Arvonne, some others. We might run out of chairs. I suggest we move the white couch stored in the hall into the living room so three more can sit. My father and Arvonne, but do it. I go to the dining table to help set up a game and get involved in struggling with the pieces, getting them set up right. Someone comes into the kitchen to get the food stuff out and complain to me." }, { "number": "1655", "head": "01/26/90", "content": "Ellie and I are going to church. We sit down and then I see my Grandma Mildred, I get up to go sit with her, hoping Ellie will understand and won't be hurt. Grandma goes upstairs to the balcony where the women's guild is selling food. I help them. We look over the balcony rail to see the preacher giving his sermon. After church, there's a Bible study group and we are there. I feel sleepy and lean back to nap. Grandma does too and then she gets up on the back of the curved couch to lay down, like a cat would, her feet hit the face of a man in the group, she scoots over to my side. I smile to see her like that. Then I say, \"It's after 2:00, can we leave pretty soon?\" She agrees and I start packing up my supplies, disks, pencils, papers, to take with me. I leave six pencils that might have been the church's property, hoping I don't take their stuff with mine. We drive off. [BL]" }, { "number": "1656", "head": "01/27/90", "content": "I get into my special car, a sports model, red and sleek, convertible. It only needs a 1/4 of a gallon to go hundreds of miles! It practically drives itself. I suspect aliens gave it to me and am a little suspicious of what I'll have to \"pay\" for its use. I pick up Ginny, Ernie and their two boys. Bonnie will meet us there. I touch the door handle and it opens, the key turns and starts the car. I have mirrors all over the windshield so I can see everything clearly and the car drives itself when I'm not concentrating on the road. We get to the support/training area. I have several grocery sacks of things which I put under a table. I tell myself to remember to grab them if we have to leave suddenly. I play a tiny banjo-like instrument and tease a cute little cat with it." }, { "number": "1657", "head": "01/28/90", "content": "I'm asked to return to work because there's an increase in people getting AIDS and Josh and lots of the others have it and they need me to work half-time, but it feels more like full time! I agree, even though I don't want to, because I owe them. \"They saved my life...\" when I needed them." }, { "number": "1658", "head": "01/29/90", "content": "I'm traveling with some Mobility International people. Dwight is with us. He's telling a woman he likes that we (the Sanders) are all workaholics. I agree, even me. The woman wants us to relax and spend the weekend. Dwight wants to, but can't." }, { "number": "1659", "head": "01/30/90", "content": "I just bought an old run-down house in a poor neighborhood. I want to use it to showcase local talent. But I want the help of the neighbors to fix it up nice, so I invite them to come see two very talented little girls, one a one-year-old and the other 2 or 3 years old. They are shy, but when they get started dancing and singing, they are very good! The audience is in one of the rooms, no furniture, the wall paper is peeling. They really like the girls." }, { "number": "1660", "head": "01/30/90", "content": "I'm in a small house waiting for the doctor's appointment time. A baby girl and I are seated on a couch. She's busy and mischievous. I sit on a plastic potty on the couch and pee, my pants are down and the door opens and the baby brings in this guy from the bank who gives me my new checks. I am embarrassed and pull my blouse down to cover the panties and the potty and pretend to be sitting there normally. He raises his eyebrows and stares. I smile and then after he's gone, I am angry at the baby for not knocking first. Then it's time to go and I pour the pee in a sink and search for my keys. I get out of the car to see I've picked up sacks of things I don't need and I don't have what I need, the keys. I'm annoyed at the baby. We'll have to go to the bigger house to get the keys unless I have a spare pair in my purse. I ask the baby girl to look." }, { "number": "1661", "head": "01/31/90", "content": "I am running from some guy that's powerful and sexually interested in me. I hide and run through the trees, up dirt roads, and finally I abandon the car and run on foot. I go through a corn field, eating some corn. I'm tired and figure I've lost him so I lay down to sleep a few hours. A man comes to me and says, \"You can rest for awhile but then you've got to leave because people are always hiding in here and my mother will run a combine through here at dawn and she will do it, so you'd better be out of here before then. She even knows which part of the field everyone usually uses! OK?\" I agree. I rest and then get up and continue running. There are more houses now and I then see a sandy beach to a river. Across the river is modern buildings, a hospital. I see people putting on muslin sheet robes and going into the river to swim. I think about diving in, but someone says, \"You have to brine first.\" It's a cleansing, healing river and the sheets have brine in them. You have to go to the hospital and get the sheets first. I see a man floating in there, both his hands bandaged. I continue on my journey." }, { "number": "1662", "head": "01/31/90", "content": "A woman keeps getting alien babies. She brings them in one at a time and hands them to me. I look at their faces and try to find something to feed them. Two of them look alike and I call one \"Doctor\" and the other \"Doctor,\" only I mean Philosophy. There are at least nine of them. The last one is quite large and she gives me some salad and hamburger to feed it with. I say, \"Solid food, already?\" I don't think that's a good idea. I spoon it in and he spits it out. I try corn, pork and beans, etc. Nothing works. I tell her we need some cereal or milk. I also tell her we need to give back some of these babies. I see an alien store and enter it to get the right food for the baby. She (now Jennifer H) gets hysterical and screams and cries. I yell at her, \"Shut up!\" She shuts up and is angry at me. A pause develops and I feel embarrassed and try to explain how we need to work with the aliens to help the baby. She calms down and then some people come by that want some of the babies and they take two of them wrapped up in one blanket. I am worried we should talk this over with Jennifer H first." }, { "number": "1663", "head": "02/02/90", "content": "I'm telling this woman how to set up the name file, I think, We're in the Sheridan house and she's going to help me out with my secretarial duties. She prefers colored papers and I say I'll get some for her later, but first I show her this book. First she has to look up the name of the place, Vincent Hospital. I can't find it at first, but I keep looking and I find it. \"Then,\" I say, \"I look up my own name because I know I'm on the list. I see 'Sanders-29.' That tells me to turn to page 29. I do so and see 'Sanders-1-1-2'. That tells me where the list is.\" She agrees to do it. Now, we're in an old rickety house and this woman, a man, and my brother Dwight are going to help me build it up from the falling down, ugly condition. I point to a solid rock wall and the man says, \"It will be easy to build a staircase in it.\" I say, \"But for why? Where would it go?\" He decides to build a fireplace. He's painting the kitchen in the \"bar\" room. He sees that we have a lot of kitchens. I say, \"Well, we need them. This one, in the bar room will be used for the customers. The center one will be for family and the one outside for the cattle hired hands in the summer when we raise 100 head of cattle.\" The house is built into a mountain and under a huge cement bridge. The country is too rough to graze cattle. The house keeps improving. It's starting to look good and solid. (see drawing)" }, { "number": "1664", "head": "02/02/90", "content": "A long dream with Uncle Joel and Aunt Jillian. I meet my parents in a restaurant in Dover. It looks familiar. We've been there before. I'm in Joel and Jillian's house, lots of glassware. I then watch Joel on a river boat. He's chasing a young woman and then has an epileptic seizure. I watch his face and think, \"I love to watch his face.\" It's a sweet face, but then he wants me to say we are together so people won't know of his affair with this woman and I say haughtily, \"I'll read my diary, if he was there, it will be in my diary.\" I realize my diary and journal could be an embarrassment to me if people read it. I walk past a field of corn, touching the plants as I walk by. Then I'm near an empty field on a mowed down path and the sky is brown. The clouds are roiling around and I'm scared. That is the worst storm sky I've ever seen and I could get struck by lightning, out in the open like that. I keep walking fast, hoping to find safe cover in time or to somehow avoid the storm." }, { "number": "1665", "head": "02/03/90", "content": "I'm in an old run-down house. The floor boards of my bedroom are rotted through and a hole is developing. I'm in bed near a stairwell. I realize some of the clothes on my floor have slid down into the hole. I wonder where my father is. He could fix the hole. I reach for the clothes and slide into the hole myself and fall under the house in a horrible pile of debris that is rotting away. I feel fear that I will rot with it. I fight my way back up into the house and walk down the hall asking where everyone is. Dwight is in his room, the furthest one away. My mother's in her room. I'm near the front door and a monster from hell comes at me. I am very afraid but stand my ground. I grab its tongue at its roots and pull, even though I know he'll bite me and it will be terribly painful. I poke his eye with a stick and drag him out of the house. He's unconscious and I crawl back to the house with a match. I light the carpet on the porch, wondering if I should go in first and get our possessions, but it is more important to torch it at once. I light it. The monster comes at me, but is consumed in the flames. I look to make sure all my family is safely out of the house. One is missing and then I see her - Dwight, Jake, my mother, my father, Charla and me. We walk down the road and I say, \"Are we homeless? And we don't even have a car to live in.\" [BL]" }, { "number": "1666", "head": "02/04/90", "content": "A young man wants to go on a date with me and I am interested but still have the old fears, but I agree to go. I get into the little red car. I'm in the passenger seat. It's a tiny, foreign car. He drives right on the edge of the road which is a dropoff to a river. I peer over the edge and say how pretty it is, the water eddying like that, but get scared because he's driving so close to the edge. So I can see that we are in danger. I glare at him. Then he makes the car jump over a gap over the river, like the car is a horse. We are successful; then he does it again only we don't quite make it and the car hits the water right at the edge. We crawl out and he's embarrassed. I kneel down and sit beside him, amazed I can do that. He moves away from me, embarrassed. I wish to comfort him. Two men come over to get info on what happened. I call him Charlie/Howard" }, { "number": "1667", "head": "02/04/90", "content": "I insult my creative writing teacher by calling him Ron. He corrects me, his name is Rod. He leaves and I go outside to see huge boulders falling out of the sky. I run as best I can to the safety of the building, like a school. I go inside. These things are seed pods from outer space (aliens). They crash through windows and so on." }, { "number": "1668", "head": "02/04/90", "content": "I go to writing class with a story and a play. The story is a rewrite of one I've already done, only with dream sequences in it. It's called \"Lucky Girl.\" Dennis and a young woman are the other two students. The teacher is out. We're waiting for her to return to read my story. I am pleased at the way I contrast dream material and reality stuff. I say, \"I'm good at that.\"" }, { "number": "1669", "head": "02/06/90", "content": "Bad guys upstairs in my house are killing everyone and I must hide! I'm in the basement. I crawl into a hidden hole, pulling the phone in with me. I call 911 and report them and then I wait. They come down the stairs and I wait, hoping the police get here before these guys find me. The police arrive and I'm safe, but desolate because my people are all dead." }, { "number": "1670", "head": "02/06/90", "content": "Some guy brings in a box of groceries we supposedly ordered. I laugh and say, \"Oh no. We ordered Rye Crackers, not Rye brand dog food. We don't even have a dog. But, I'll accept this steak and porkchop.\" A man comes out and says, \"No, we didn't order that either.\" I say, \"Yes we did. I heard you do it.\" \"Not this steak,\" he says and gives it back. \"Trust me,\" he says and I shrug, letting go of the meat. We go back into the house and the guy starts kissing me. I like him where I hadn't before. He's the cook and has a spray of potato juice on his face. [BL]" }, { "number": "1671", "head": "02/08/90", "content": "I decide I'd like to try gambling and go to a table where Aunt Naomi is. I feel hesitant; we're not supposed to gamble. It's wrong, somehow, but I'm intrigued and curious, so Naomi gets me my numbers, all written out on a piece of paper. She bought it for me. Then I see Grandpa Lloyd coming to sit next to me. He's got double chins and he's wearing a turquoise and black striped turtle neck shirt under his suit jacket! I'm quite surprised. I call him Lloyd. Then Uncle Wilbur comes over also. They are gambling! Now it's time to start, but I can't find my paper with my numbers! I search everywhere, my purse, etc. and can't find it, then I realize Naomi took it. She paid for it after all, and she's gambling with it. Then there's this guy with a gun. He's a demented killer and I'm afraid of him, but somehow drawn to him as well. I end up protecting him when the motorcycle police come up and point their cannons at me. A sergeant says to another one, \"What's the matter with you? Your light on the gun isn't on.\" I'm amazed that the killer jokes the police. It works, though. They don't get suspicious and leave. He then is waiting for his train and starts digging in his suitcase for something. \"You'll miss your train,\" I say, feeling afraid he will and then I'll still be in danger, and afraid he'll go because I'll miss him. He wants my address. He hands me a paper to write on and he says, \"Fourteen women have known I kill and yet they've felt sorry for me, or liked me and have protected me.\" I write my correct address down, even though in my mind I'm thinking, \"You fool, now he can come back and hurt you.\" I see the train coming; it's lit up and goes like the Ferris wheel (round and round). He leaves. I feel relieved and sad. I see Cher and Sandy, who I thought had left Paris. They are surprised to see me. I tell them I've decided to stay for awhile but don't have a place to stay. Do they have a couch or a sleeping bag? They say, \"Sure, no problem.\" I go to their place, which is like the inside of a train car, long narrow benches, etc., and sit, waiting, for them to come in. A woman is sleeping on the bed." }, { "number": "1672", "head": "02/09/90", "content": "I'm looking for Melissa G (really Clare K). I go to her mother's house and look into the kitchen window. Her mom is doing dishes. She tells me to wait at a campground. I go there and see her mom driving her kitchen over to me. I'm quite impressed! It's a mobile unit that she unstrapped from the house. I get in, it's cute, wooden and we drive back to the house. I go in and see large windows. I look into the toy room and she says, \"Go ahead, go on in.\" I go in and look around. I see ceramics she's made on the wall. Some have price tags and I think about buying some. I see a wood stove and a kiln. I say, \"Oh is this a kiln where you nest the wet clay mold into the embers and cook it?\" She says yes, then, through the windows I see Clare, red fluffy feathers. She's pretty and she's annoyed with me for being at her mom's. I explain, then I hear a small black-haired baby girl in pink crying. I pick her up and rock her, singing, \"Sugar Baby\" over and over. The mother of the baby is annoyed. I didn't ask permission and she sings a different song, \"Sug--\" a short version of Sugar. I match her song! Then I have to remember I have a meeting tomorrow with Melissa G and repeat that over in my head. Clare tells me, \"It's just a van,\" when I comment on her mother's interesting kitchen." }, { "number": "1673", "head": "02/09/90", "content": "A man and a woman are having marital problems and I'm listening. They like each other, but hurt each other. Finally, he says, \"I feel violated\" (or vulnerable). She hugs him." }, { "number": "1674", "head": "02/21/90", "content": "A sweet, furry cat/monkey must trust a ferocious lion to not hurt it as it helps to save the lion. This is very stressful to the cat and I hold it lovingly as it rests. I stroke its very soft and beautiful fur. I have great empathy for it." }, { "number": "1675", "head": "02/23/90", "content": "I'm at the M City house and I'm in my wheelchair at the road edge, watching cars zip around the bad corner. I see Amber walking by with another friend. I wish to see Darryl and concentrate hard. Sure enough, he comes walking up the street to my house. I get out of the wheelchair and, therefore, I'm invisible to him. My spirit surrounds him like a cloud and I think at him to stay here for a while, \"Don't go away.\" He goes to the house and I look for my wheelchair. Dwight has moved it to the back door and I go get it and come in through several unfinished rooms. In one room, several straight back chairs are turned to the wall. I get to the living room and my parents are there. I say, \"Oh, you took out the fireplace. I loved it.\" Then, I see it's on another wall. Darryl knocks on the door. I open it and wonder how he'll feel seeing me in a wheelchair. He seems accepting. We hug. I'm glad to see him again." }, { "number": "1676", "head": "02/27/90", "content": "I'm in a swimming pool. There are seals and an octopus in there. At first, I'm a little afraid of the octopus, but they all come to me and I learn to love them. They are sweet, loving creatures who look at me mutely with soft, big, moist eyes just radiating love and need for love. I stroke them on the head and pet them. They love it and need it. I get out of the pool and one creature follows me. He is tiny and so needy. His name is Tom. He curls up on me and I pet him and soothe him. He's so small and needy. At one point he's lying on my thumb and gets absorbed into my skin. At first I am concerned, but then I realize he needs that nourishment from my body. He later comes back out, large and more happy. Now I'm a teacher in a rural, small, one room high school. It is graduation day. My class is seated on the bleachers and I stand before them. I am touched by their beauty, intelligence, loving natures and creativeness. I give them a speech. I say, \"I know you are feeling sad at leaving your dear friends of four years. I too am feeling sad, for never have I seen such a loving, creative, intelligent, beautiful group of students. If you are the typical graduating class, then this world will be blessed and things will change. You go out each of you, melded with your friends. A piece of them lives in you now. So, bless you, and good luck.\" I begin crying. Someone shuts the door on them as soon as they are out, but I open the door again and continue my grieving of their departure. Then I stop crying and feel peaceful and loved." }, { "number": "1677", "head": "03/17/90", "content": "I am approaching a barn, it is old, dilapidated and ugly. Inside is darkness and rotting, stinking stuff that I am supposed to clean up. I don't want to, and as I am walking to the door, I veer away, deciding not to do it. I then walk across a grassy pasture to a muddy embankment. I accidentally slip and fall, sliding down the embankment to a muddy area that is like quicksand. I am flat on my back and sinking, trapped and I know there is no way out. I am as good as dead. My sister Lydia is with me and she is already below the mud line. I see she is still alive because her eyes open and shut. It is almost time for me to go under. I feel fear and resistance, but I don't panic. I go under and am amazed I can still breathe. A wash of water goes over us, rising us, floating, out of the mud. We crawl out onto the grass. Then we get up, hugging each other and walking toward our house, which is around the left side of the barn. There are a series of Quonset huts like married student housing at OSU. The first one on the left is ours. It is old, the paint is peeling. I open the door and walk in. I see a blue cotton print dress on a dress form and I say, \"Hi, Mama.\" I realize it is a symbol of my mother. I see movement in the bedroom, my \"father\" is sick and old and in bed. I don't want to go in, but I do. His face is bumpy and old-looking. He says to me, \"I have no sons, so you will be my boy, Buck Bucko.\" [BL]" }, { "number": "1678", "head": "03/18/90", "content": "Helicopters. I am a whiz pilot. A man is impressed and teases me by flying close as I was water-skiing in a river from my 'copter. I get back in my 'copter and call headquarters, identifying myself as Lieutenant. I complain about him endangering us, and then have to do some fancy storytelling to explain how come I am playing around water-skiing! I start flying the 'copter, through the city. I am especially good at precision flying. I go under bridges, through tunnels and over and under wires. Then I go up in empty sky, but it's not as challenging. I see another plane and a 'copter. He's in the 'copter. I realize I'd better keep a sharp eye out to not smash into other aircraft. I then land. He wants to fly with me and I invite him into the 'copter, telling him to fasten his seat belt, and to not touch anything! I get out, checking the water, oil and so on and get in and we fly. He likes me and starts kissing me. It is very pleasant and I sit in his lap and we neck. We suddenly hit a swarm of birds that foul up our props and we start to dive. I see a body of some man falling out of the sky and listen to him scream as he realizes he'll soon smash into the ground, experience terrible pain and then die. I feel sorry for him and empathetic. It's the same feeling as watching myself being suffocated by the mud in last night's dream. We crash, but thanks to my skills we are uninjured. We get out and see a large rock cave that looks like a closet. There are suits and dresses hanging in it. I wish it to be a regular cave, and it is. Then Jay, an acting student, comes by and asks permission to use our bathroom and says he hopes we don't mind, but Josh is with him. I do mind, but shrug my shoulders." }, { "number": "1679", "head": "04/30/90", "content": "A married woman who looks a little like me and whose hair feels like my mother's has suggested we make love. I feel uncomfortable, but also sexually excited, and I get into bed with her. I turn over on my side, with my back to her, thinking it would be better if we sleep first and then make love after we've rested. Actually, what I'm doing is avoiding it. So she approaches me and I shrug my shoulders and turn to face her. I can barely look her in the eye. I feel slightly disgusted and apprehensive. As she starts to take off my several layers of night gowns, I feel very excited, and then a younger woman comes into the bedroom through a skinny door by the bed. She glances at me and then says, \"They're here.\" She goes to another door and opens it up. Several young, good-looking men come in and more women come in. These men are prostitutes. Her husband let them in. The woman goes to them and in a very business like manner. These people couple up, the man behind like he's riding a horse. They're all grunting and pumping. It's a pure sex act. I'm embarrassed. One guy comes to me and acts like he'll do me next. I say, \"No.\" The woman whose bed I'm in is annoyed and disgusted with me. What a weenie! So she goes to the men and they're all going at it. I'm still sexually excited. I lay in the bed waiting for it to be all over and she returns so we can continue. Someone brings me the Visa bill to sign for my part of the festivities. I almost sign and then decide that since I didn't partake, I didn't have to pay. The woman heard this and glared at me. She's really disgusted with my wimpy behavior. I want to leave, but feel some obligation to wait and continue with plans as they originally were." }, { "number": "1680", "head": "04/30/90", "content": "I am now on a rocky hill. I see a white furry object and wonder what it could symbolize. I answer myself by saying it symbolizes mountains and ridges of anger, lots of anger. I agree that anger is important in my background. I see a group of people down on a beach, making love. I decide to go down there. I look for the path. Someone says, \"Careful, it branches out and you could get lost.\" I go anyway and it's pretty much a straight path through the rocks. I get there and see Tyler walking beside me. He doesn't recognize me. I laugh and say, \"I'm B.\" He is startled. I soothe him by saying, \"It's easy to not know because I'm walking.\" I choose him and we make love. I'm glad it's someone I know and like." }, { "number": "1681", "head": "05/14/90", "content": "Ellie spills a gallon jug of water and I say to her angrily, \"Pick it up; pick it up before the mess gets worse.\" She refuses and a big puddle spreads out. I walk away angry. I see a black woman, a friend. We hug and she says, \"You should hit that child into behaving.\" I say, \"No, I shouldn't hit her, but I should tell her that if you want to be loved, give and give, lots of love.\" She hugs me because I'm right." }, { "number": "1682", "head": "05/14/90", "content": "I'm going to Alaska. I am shown the epicenter of the last earthquake. I'm a little nervous, wondering if another could happen." }, { "number": "1683", "head": "05/14/90", "content": "I was chosen to be interviewed by S, the college president, but it's unclear if my papers were approved in time, so I clutch my briefcase with my acceptance letter in it and try to find the building. A woman student and Ellie help guide me to the building. I find a sign saying \"504,\" the room. I rush to the room, hoping, feeling late and uncertain. I am there in the nick of time. I am calm and handle it well." }, { "number": "1684", "head": "05/25/90", "content": "I see my shadow and she is facing me. We look at each other. It is an important and positive moment." }, { "number": "1685", "head": "06/01/90", "content": "I am a black, tanned woman, healthy and strong. I am standing naked in a single file line with an equally good-looking, healthy man right behind me. We both have pale butts from the loin cloth we usually wear. Someone says, \"Uh oh, a,\" meaning a terrible thunderstorm or something is coming. He says, \"Let's leave. We walk away quickly. I say, \"Wait, won't we be deserters? Won't they shoot us?\" \"Yep,\" says the guy. I hesitate and then join them. We find a huge river and start to walk across. \"Look,\" says the man and I see how huge and powerful the river is - huge rapids, smashing over cliffs and rocks. Two small dogs walk out on a protruding rock and I think, \"They won't last long, poor things.\" Then the man says, \"Let's move the bridge until it's over the falls so we can see it better.\" I am incredulous. We'd be killed. It's an adventure to him. He challenges me, grinning. I agree, but feel scared. I and another woman are at one end of the bridge, the men at the other end. We are to pull the ropes by hand that will move the bridge downriver and over the falls. I call him over to show me how when one rope screams through the pulley, how to make sure the next rope is ready to be picked up. I point out how some ends are frayed. \"No problem,\" he says happily, \"perfectly normal.\" I point up to a roll of toilet paper I've put in a safe place so that when I get scared \"shitless\" I'll have it handy. He laughs and says, \"You aren't afraid, are you?\" I say, \"Oh no! I'll just throw up when we're over the falls.\" And then we let the ropes go, they burn and sing with the power of the river pulling us. The falls are thunderous, the white water smashing at us. We are caught. We fight and somehow pull ourselves back out, exhausted, hands raw from rope burns and victorious, the back waters still boiling and misting, the thunderous white water a softer sound in the distance. We are victorious." }, { "number": "1686", "head": "06/02/90", "content": "I am an incredible swimmer. I dive off a diving board with such strength and grace, a triple somersault, and I dive clean and deep and hold my breath for long minutes and come up out of the water so powerfully, I literally can walk on the water and easily step out onto the pool's edge. I am impressed. So is a man who has some power and fame." }, { "number": "1687", "content": "(06/02/90)(naptime) A man and I are going to paint portraits of people. He's an artist and very good, but I can see people more deeply. And even though my pictures are more primitive, they \"say\" more. I am picking up my pile of pictures and things I'd done before as a child and young adult. I see a cat cut out of poster paper. My mother comments on how cute it is, and how well I can draw, in a surprised tone. Now the man and I are doing portraits of a woman. I make quick, dramatic strokes and come up with an interesting, arresting picture. I use black paint. I see her between two men in the portrait, so I'm painting her relationships I just \"somehow\" know about. She likes the artist's rendition better. Now the group wants to go on a scenic river raft ride. We get into two boats. We are on a street, not the river, and then we turn right and peek through a narrow opening at a raging river. I say, scared, \"This one is too big for us. This isn't the right river.\" But we choose to go anyway, even though we can't see around the bend and we can hear the thunder of the falls in the distance. And then it's too late, we ride the river right up to the edge of the falls and manage to park on the flat land edge, safe, but it doesn't look like we can get back home without help. I get out of the boat and I interrupt a man and a woman talking and I feel guilty, but I also say, \"I need a hug.\" He looks at me blankly and then lightly hugs me as he continues to talk to the woman. I ask several others for hugs. They just stare at me blankly. I feel rejected and alone and sad." }, { "number": "1688", "head": "06/04/90", "content": "I have multiple personalities caused by some terrible abuse as a child. Jock is supportive and hugs me encouraging me to get in touch with the core memory. I'm on stage doing my different personalities. (Evangeline is one, a man is another.) The audience isn't ready and I wait for them impatiently." }, { "number": "1689", "head": "06/09/90", "content": "I see an old friend, a warm, friendly man, one I met when I just started at the community college. His voice is warm and caring (like Nat V). I can't remember his name. He comes up to me and asks how I'm doing. I am interrupted by a boy doing some tricks with a small wagon/car. The wheel is turned and won't work right. He's on stage and is embarrassed and says, \"What shall I do?\" in a stage whisper. I walk around on stage being like a rodeo clown, a distraction. Then my friendly man comes back over and hugs me. We walk together for a block or so, his arm around my waist and mine around his. It felt so good and comforting. I missed it. We talked. I told him about my book. \"Oh, still trying to get that published,\" he says. \"You need a job!\" He says, \"I'm retired.\" I say, \"But a few odd jobs to make extra money would be nice.\" I remember his name is Nat Cathran. I like him very much." }, { "number": "1690", "head": "06/10/90", "content": "I'm in a small boat in the huge ocean. I'm lost and drifting. A huge Navy ship comes over and a military officer who looks like Paul Newman comes aboard and finds me. I'm nearly dead from lack of food and water. He asks me how much food I had left and I point to a few scraps. I feel superior because I know I'm not a goner yet. So resourceful! He brings me on board the ship. I go to his \"office.\" Someone has projected his face up on the clouds and is throwing a ball (soccer) up at him. His hands move clumsily and can't catch the ball. This is supposed to prove there is no God, and if there were, he isn't it. This is damaging to him. He must find the culprit. I know how, but he won't believe me, so I and another woman take over. We call the accused in. I tell him he must sit facing all of us for 3/4 of an hour. The crowd groans because they figure it's a waste of time. I shorten it to 1/2 hour and tell him how if he plays games with us and waits us out, it will go bad at the trial. He will have proven his guilt. Then as he sits there, I explain how it is best if he just tells us the truth. What he doesn't know is that I and the other woman are psychic and are taking notes on his internal responses and we know the whole story." }, { "number": "1691", "head": "06/12/90", "content": "Magical grandparents look like ordinary older people, but they are really magical godparents, but cast under a spell. I come to their house and they show me around. We go out into the backyard and walk. I start singing because it is so beautiful and I sing beautifully. I sing, \"Oh, Lord, look at these beautiful mountains.\" We walk across the yard, which is iced over rain water, and I'm worried it will crack and we'll fall through. She says, \"No, no problem.\" We safely get to the other side. There is a sort of children's fantasy playground there and I go in and look around at the cute playhouses and things. The older woman gives me a huge pink crystal on a necklace and I wear it. As I'm going through the playground, it changes to a deep ruby color and I find a big black crystal that pops up out of a \"playhouse.\" That means the spell is broken and they are restored to their magical selves." }, { "number": "1692", "head": "07/02/90", "content": "I am a self-centered, arrogant woman. A man follows me around being angry and sarcastic. I get into the driver's seat of a van and start to drive. I'm going the wrong way and look for a break in the median bushes so I can make a \"U\" turn. I see one, brake hard and barely make it; now I'm in the fast lane, going the right way. I'm trying to change lanes to the \"slower\" lane and see ahead of me a tiny baby (one day old) on a tricycle pedaling along, keeping up with the flow of car traffic. I change lanes and so does she and we collide. I pick her up, concerned. She's not hurt, but she's feisty and annoyed with me for getting in the way. She's wearing a pink suit and a red light flashes near her chin. She's sort of an alien high tech baby doll/person. I feel a rush of concern and love for her and pick her up, and now I'm taking care of her. The angry man smiles and croons a sweet happy celebration song because finally this selfish, self-centered woman he's been in love with and waited for all these years is caring for someone else. That means soon she'll wake up to him and return his love. He is very happy. She just looks at him like he's being silly and comments to someone that he's doing some \"silly male mating ritual.\" But she likes him and is realizing a sense of peace and joy and love she'd not felt before." }, { "number": "1693", "head": "07/02/90", "content": "I see Mabel who asks, \"Have you been deliberately avoiding me?\" I say, \"Yes, remember you really hurt me. I felt very hurt.\" She sighs sadly and agrees." }, { "number": "1694", "head": "07/02/90", "content": "Nate calls me up. He's drunk as usual. I sigh and can't decide if I'll talk to him or not. I feel sad." }, { "number": "1695", "head": "08/03/90", "content": "I am in a graduation gown. It is necessary to drown and then be saved or come back to life to fulfill this ritual. I am very afraid to do it. But Theresa needs me to do it to help her daughter. I call out to God/spirits for help. A bolt of lightning comes to me, runs over my body and back out my gown, from the thighs and groin area. I see this as a powerful sign. I am capable, I can do it, I am special. I go to the pool. Theresa and I hold hands. I see Charla already lying, not breathing, like she's asleep on the bottom. I feel sadness. I am also afraid I won't be as brave. I jump in and immediately panic, fighting for air. I can't surrender to it like Charla can. I wake up gasping." }, { "number": "1696", "head": "08/16/90", "content": "A glue substance touches me and spreads over me, covering me, it is aflame and I'm being burnt alive. It is frightening and painful. Two women want to help, but it would mean their death and so they back sadly away. I am paralyzed with the moment." }, { "number": "1697", "head": "08/17/90", "content": "I am given an old grocery/vanity store. I enter it to inspect what I have. I see lots of aisles and stuff, a bit old and dusty. I see a glassed-off showcase room on a side wall. I can't find the door, then I find it and have to move a desk aside to get in. There's lots of stuff. And then I see a high shelf or attic area and look up there. I see beautiful silver things - bowls, jewelry, treasures worth something. I think, \"I'll not mention it to anyone just yet.\" I go back out to the main grocery area. Then I go upstairs and see on a table plastic bubble packets of the Native American religion. I pick up and open it, noticing the two round places where the Peyote buttons (two of them) were supposed to be and weren't. It had been opened already. I read the booklet and saw two headings, \"The Lazy Man\" and \"The Ultimate Man.\" They were descriptions of archetypes like \"The Wild Man.\" Then someone puts the packet on a cart and I am concerned because I felt a strong connection and didn't want it taken from me. I look at my hand and am amazed to see my fingers are straightening out! I push and stretch my hand muscles and can feel them stretching and straightening until my fingers are now beautifully straight. I am in awe and know its because of my connection with that packet. I say to someone, \"Did you see? Look at my hand.\" The person says, \"Do you want people to notice?\" I agree that maybe I don't. People will read about the freak in the National Enquirer. I start to go downstairs. A Native American medicine man with glowing amber sunglasses like Mitch's says to me, \"You must learn from the packet and then come back and teach me.\" I find that amazing because I perceive him as knowing and powerful. [Earlier in the grocery area I was saying we should get signs up and drum up business. A woman said, \"What's the hurry? Why don't you do inventory first and see what you have.\"]" }, { "number": "1698", "head": "09/01/90", "content": "I am captive. A mean, horrible man, his wife and sons torture me. I am tied up and forced to have sex. I'm injured and hurt frequently. I can only go to the bathroom when they want me to. I am tied up to a pulley and pulled up off the floor by my hands. I must pee on command in a bottle. I am terrified of this horrible man who would hurt me just for the heck of it. I am totally helpless and trapped. The wife complains because he's a man so he gets all the best chances to hurt. She's sort of an enabler for him. A young man, a son, weakly protests at the cruelty of the father." }, { "number": "1699", "head": "09/01/90", "content": "Now I'm a passenger in a car. The son of the horrible man is driving. A woman (perhaps Darcy) is behind me. We have escaped with the help of the son. We must constantly be moving in a random way so \"he\" won't find us. We meet him several times and he grabs my leg and I panic. I pull away but it's hard as I'm not very aggressive, mostly afraid. We can never stop. It is merely another form of torture that will go on forever." }, { "number": "1700", "head": "09/01/90", "content": "The wife sees me and begs me to get caught again for her husband's sake and I refuse and run. I see the man and remember that I could call the police. I dial 911, shaking in fear. I say, \"Help, this man will hurt me.\" The police at first refuse to help, pointing out to me that he's my father. I say firmly, \"You will help me anyway. He hurts me.\" They agree and take him away." }, { "number": "1701", "head": "09/01/90", "content": "Lucy and I are in a house. Justin, her husband and Lorne, her ex-husband are there. I beg her not to pay any attention to Lorne. He's like a milder form of that horrible man. She struggles with her indecision and then agrees. We slam doors shut against him. We then begin to go upstairs. The stairs are ornate, cloth brocade and appliques. I point out several lovely rooms. One entirely gray bedspread, drapes, wall paper all match. Then the stairs are bright red with a soft pink accent. I tell Lucy about it. We reach our rooms, which are on the top floor. There isn't much furniture and the rooms aren't as pretty as the others. We are disappointed and think about returning to the lower floor. Justin is with us." }, { "number": "1702", "head": "09/06/90", "content": "I am shocked and sad. Howard's arm got amputated in an accident last night. I am carrying his dead arm around for him. I sit on a couch next to a man and feel the heavy dead weight of Howard's dead arm across my shoulders. I pull it off and behind me trying to ignore it. It is in the way. Jerome is around and I am attracted to him. I need to pack things up and put them in my van. He offers to help. I agree. He goes and I decide to change clothes so I'll look more attractive to him, but it doesn't work because I look pudgy, overweight. I'm getting tired of dragging around Howard's dead arm and besides it's getting rank by now, rotting. A woman says she put her dead father in a box. I open it and look. The father is still alive, with white hair. His eyes move. I feel sorry for him and help him out of the box. Howard, with a missing arm, comes to the door." }, { "number": "1703", "head": "09/12/90", "content": "I am in bed with Howard again. It's been so long since we've made love and he wants it real bad. I agree. I lie down and try to pretend I'm asleep. I am turned away from him. He slowly and gently comes close to me. He's afraid I'll pull away or refuse him and so he's being very hesitant and careful. He licks my cheek. I feel some revulsion. He touches my nipple. I want to cringe. I try to tolerate it but can't, it is so repugnant to me. I sit up, crying and sobbing. He is heartbroken and runs from the room. I feel such sorrow for him, for me and for my two baby girls (Dovre and Ellie). I'm not intimately, lovingly close to them as I'm not sexually there for Howard. I feel like apologizing for this deficit in me. I get up and find a note Howard had written for me. He had gone to bed to wait for me and left a note to explain that. It said, \"Here are your pills (birth control). They are improved and better than the last time you tried them. I'll go to bed and wait until you feel ready.\"" }, { "number": "1704", "head": "09/12/90", "content": "I'm in a house. A noise or light in the room sets off an orgasm and I'm sitting on a couch. Other people are in the room, a man, maybe Chuck. I put a magazine up by my face, pretending to read it so no one will see my face and I try not to respond to the strong orgasm so no one will know this is happening. I'm embarrassed. Then I hear electricity zapping in the next room. A cord is lying in the water. I am aware this is dangerous and am leaving the house so I'll be safe, when I see a small girl child bend down to pick up the zapping cord. She's standing in the water (Charla/Dovre) in a dress. I yell, \"NO! NO! Don't touch that.\" I'm frantic. She pays no attention to me and picks it up. I must stop her, but to return and get her will endanger myself, but I must. I'm yelling at her as I rush in, grab her hands and pull her out. I'm amazed there are no burn marks on her hands. She seems unharmed. I rush out of the house, carrying her, looking for the fuse box. Others try to help me. I push them aside, they are in the way. I find the box and don't know which way to push the switches and ask, \"Is this the on or off?\" I turn them all off, one by one. Now I feel sad, the house is dark, the food will spoil, it will be cold, because there is no energy, but at least we are safe." }, { "number": "1705", "head": "09/12/90", "content": "A young boy is curious about kissing. He wants to know what it will feel like. I/myself/his mother, decide to kiss him myself to show him. I know it's wrong, but it's better for him if I know him, than for a stranger to do it. (That's my reasoning, anyway.) Later, the color blue, a journey and snow. [BL]" }, { "number": "1706", "head": "09/13/90", "content": "A mother was very rich, so her daughter never had to take care of herself. I see Pete and we greet each other, hugging and kissing sweetly, happy to be together again." }, { "number": "1707", "head": "09/13/90", "content": "I am standing on the mud flats looking for the ocean. I'm up to my ankles in mud. A male, soft, sweet and gentle, almost a spirit, stands to my left behind me. I ask him where the ocean is. He smiles and points forward. I see a slit in the land, like the birth opening on a whale. Two \"people,\" one male and one female, are together in a circle, the woman coming up through the slit like a flower growing (see drawing). The man smiles and says, \"Ah, you have seen the infinity holes.\" I ask again where the ocean is. He points and I get ready to dive. I remember I won't be able to breathe. He smiles again, walks up to me and French kisses me. It is so gentle and caring. I realize he's given me the \"kiss of breath.\" Now I'll be able to breathe underwater. I dive and find myself in a narrow channel full of murky, deep water filled with a swarm of naked swimming people. It's a school of fish. I swim among them comfortably." }, { "number": "1708", "head": "09/17/90", "content": "Lucy, her husband Justin, Katrina and I are seated around a table. We are talking. Justin says, \"You don't want to know.\" I say, \"Yes, I want to know.\" He says, \"Lucy wanted to know and now look at her. She cries and hurts and whenever she hears the song 'A man loves a woman.' She's deeply hurt. It's not worth it.\"" }, { "number": "1709", "head": "09/17/90", "content": "I'm at a beach and trying to take photos. I can't get the right composition. It would look good and then change. I see statues dancing. I try to take a photo with mountains in the background, but they shift. I go back to my friends on the beach. A nice man, the boyfriend of my friend, is very supportive. I like him but he belongs to the other lady. He's smiling at me and I turn and see Howard standing there and my smile just disappears. He wants to be interested in my photography too, but I walk away. I don't want anything to do with him." }, { "number": "1710", "head": "09/18/90", "content": "A male dictator, overweight, kind of looks like Jared, is killing the Jews. Frank Sinatra and I are underground agents. He pretends to be a Catholic priest so the soldiers will think the Jews are Catholics. We work for their safety. The dictator is very angry at us and does everything he can to get us. We keep escaping and he keeps capturing us and tells us it's the last time. He walks out, grinning. We shrug our shoulders, grin and turn to escape quickly through a door. He'll never expect us to try so fast. We turn left and hide in a closet to fool the soldiers who expect us to run. Then we head for a ship. We're going up the gang plank, but it's hard and I'm on my hands and knees, my hands slapping the wooden ramp hard to gain purchase. A woman is getting off the boat and whispers to me as she passes, \"Remember, your dreams are here to help you.\" I realize I'd been so busy living it, I hadn't had dreams or paid attention to them." }, { "number": "1711", "head": "09/18/90", "content": "It's my birthday and I'm waiting for my family to get home from work. I don't know if they'll be making my birthday dinner or if I'll have to get it on my own. It's 6:15. I go to my father's workshop and see a gift he wrapped in newspaper cartoons for my mother. I see glue bottles and things I'd been looking for. I then go down the hall to my parents' bedroom. I open the door and hesitate, embarrassed, because they are in there and I might have surprised them changing their clothes. I slowly push the door open. My parents are talking to one another. Dwight is on the edge of the bed chatting with two ill cousins. One has a cigar and both lay on the bed fully covered, face and all, by a body cloth. They look like dead bodies. I apologize for interrupting. I'm now in my wheelchair and Dwight gets in my lap. We start going backwards, uphill to our neighbor's house because they are having the party there. I hesitantly put my arms around Dwight. I say, \"I hope you are driving, because I'm not.\" He laughs. I hug him and we both hug. It feels so loving and sweet and I feel like it's been forever since I've felt that. I also feel guilty like we shouldn't be touching, much less feeling loving. Dwight says, \"I've always loved you too much.\" I say, \"You've always been my favorite brother.\" We get to the neighbor's house and we go in. A man and a woman are seated and the man says something about wanting to go out. I say, \"Me?\" I then see he's looking past me to the woman. She's unhappy because she doesn't want him. Both seem indifferent and ignore me completely. He's explaining how she can say no next time if she wants to." }, { "number": "1712", "head": "09/20/90", "content": "My father, my mother and I are on a tiny motorcycle. My father's driving and then my mother is behind him and I'm perched on the end, rather precariously. We are traveling over the mountains to M City and I'm concerned that I don't have any gloves. My hands will get cold and hurt. Oh, well, I can stick them in my pockets, but I know I'm going to be uncomfortable. The road is gravel and my father hits the gas too hard and the cycle's front wheel lifts up. I yell, \"Let off the gas,\" annoyed and a little scared. He does and we go on. I have to keep telling him, because he's a bad driver and I feel endangered. Dwight is there somewhere." }, { "number": "1713", "head": "09/23/90", "content": "I meet this charming, sweet, young man who is magical. He senses what you want from him and then he creates it. A woman wants sweets and he magically produces them in quantity. I want to make warm, delicious love to him. He says he can only do that when there's TV around. I smile and point to my cable TV. \"See? 24 hours a day,\" I say, quite delighted I'll have him all that time. I hug him to me, already anticipating the warm, soft, sensual good times." }, { "number": "1714", "head": "09/24/90", "content": "I am told I must drink deep of the river. I submerse myself and breathe in the water deeply. Small, white baby seals swim by. I stand up and a man comes by, taunting me, smiling. \"You did the wrong thing,\" he said. \"If you drink that water, you'll get dizzy and ill.\" I don't know who to believe, but I feel deep down to drink is the right choice. I look up river and see a life-size crucifix of Christ floating toward me." }, { "number": "1715", "head": "09/25/90", "content": "Howard wants to make love to me. I am paralyzed with bad, sad feelings. I say, \"I'm sorry, I guess I'll have to get sexual therapy counseling, if I'm ever going to be able to make love again.\" I am so repulsed by the idea of making love to him. [BL]" }, { "number": "1716", "head": "09/26/90", "content": "I'm walking across a field and see a muddy water puddle and realize I can choose to go around it. I do, but then I see the entire field and streets are covered with water, so I slosh through it down the road. I come to a brick fence and stop; looking over I see the ocean with lots of industrial things all over. I feel tired and sad because the whole world is ugly and takes over with industry. Then a fog comes up and I see a big seagoing ship with people on it going by. Then I'm talking to a man; he's telling me now I'm going to die. He says, \"You'll get between a man and his wife and 'bang' you'll be shot or stabbed.\" I ask if it will hurt to die. He says, \"Yes, a little, but it will be worth it because you will feel sooo good going home.\" I then feel a longing to \"go home\" (to heaven, or whatever)." }, { "number": "1717", "head": "09/26/90", "content": "I'm in a play. I'm playing a male part. I have fake whiskers glued on. I am playing \"The King of Israel.\" I walk to the stage area and stand on an empty stage. I know the throne is there, but I just can't see it. I'm waiting for the audience to be seated. A chorus is singing on bleachers between me and the audience. Open bleachers are near me at the front of the stage. Some people sit there in case I fall. I pace and then decide to start. I announce, \"I am the King of Israel\" and I place myself on the throne. Someone playing God's angel comes in and says, \"God didn't say you could do that,\" and I said, \"But I know He will\" The play goes on. I worry if my false whiskers are going to fall off." }, { "number": "1718", "head": "10/08/90", "content": "I am a depressed woman and I decide to call Ginny up and go visit her so I can be alone and depressed in a safe place. I go there and decide to go outside and sit in the parking lot. As I'm there, now I'm pregnant. A large man comes by and threatens to rape me. I stand up, reaching for something to hit him with. He sees I'm prepared to fight and he ponders the odds of a 200 + lb. woman and a 300 + lb. man. He backs off. I go in, feeling scared, angry and frozen feelings. I tell someone about it. Then a teenager asks me if it's ok to teach my 3-year-old girl about sex and actually to make love to her. I feel uneasy, even though the person's logic makes sense. It supposedly would help the girl learn about sex. But finally I say, \"I'm sorry, I just can't let you do it. She's too young. It could scare her or hurt her.\"" }, { "number": "1719", "head": "12/02/90", "content": "I am the mother of Dwight, Jake and Ellie. I am very harried and frustrated. I'm trying to cook breakfast and I turn on a burner on the stove. I look again and see a pile of napkins on a burner starting to flame. I poke them and turn off the burner. I call out \"Ellie\" angrily. She left this mess. I see more flames and I see a bra burning in one deeply recessed burner. I try to get it out with a stick. The whole thing is a total mess. I then notice the stove is really a recliner chair, badly burned and charred. I turn to the sink to get a poached egg. There are egg shells floating in it, and filth is in the sink. I am disgusted and angry at my children. Jake is about to leave and I say to him, \"If you don't put away the milk it will stay out and go bad and you won't have any for dinner.\" He ignores me and leaves. I feel angry and put upon." }, { "number": "1720", "head": "12/03/90", "content": "I'm taking a shower or bath. There are lots of free miniature things in a plastic bag -- tiny shampoos, soaps, irons, hem mending kits etc -- all one could use to keep things clean and tidy and comfortable. I don't use them and then notice I'm sitting in the tub on my towel. I don't even have a dry towel! I see I left soap on my face on the left cheek." }, { "number": "1721", "head": "12/03/90", "content": "I opened a huge package I had wrapped up and saw it was the \"Life Monopoly\" poster/movie I was sending to Dovre. I was tired and annoyed that I made more work for myself. I am too tired to wrap it back up, but I don't want to keep it any more and wonder if Dovre will mind storing it for me. I am bored and restless. I wander around and see a man I like, but I feel like I won't get him; he's in the distance. I feel like it would be nice to connect with him, but too tired to do anything even if I could figure out what do to. [BL]" }, { "number": "1722", "head": "12/05/90", "content": "I'm holding on to a long hanging rope. I'm high up and scared because I may lose my grip and fall and be seriously hurt. I'm shaking with fear. There are three other ropes. A man is on each one. This is a man's thing we're doing. They are distant but encouraging. In a final rush of bravado I swing, even though the twisting makes me dizzy and disoriented. I swing myself up on a high perch and sit, proud of myself and \"showing off\" to the men." }, { "number": "1723", "head": "12/07/90", "content": "I am in bed and notice my wheelchair is far away in the next room. I'm surprised. Judy P comes over to talk, and I ask her to bring me the chair. She does, but I don't use it since I seem to be able to walk well enough at the moment. I'm embarrassed that I asked her to go to that trouble. She tells me a woman in the computer group sent her a complaint and shows it to me. Judy is wondering what she may have done wrong and lists a few things it might be. I look at the letter. It is a beautifully embroidered piece, nicely framed. Roses are embroidered around and with the complaining words. I admire her stitches and think about needlework and how the thread (yarn) crosses the corners as a diagonal. Each corner must be covered." }, { "number": "1724", "head": "12/07/90", "content": "Something about distant then, and confused or burned or disfigured now." }, { "number": "1725", "head": "12/29/90", "content": "I am in bed and a young beautiful girl (woman) is sitting on the foot of the bed. A young boy like Rigo is sexually attracted to the girl. She leaves and he turns to me and takes off my clothes. My flabby breast is exposed. He wants to make love to me. I want to and yet draw back because of his young age. Later I am relieved I didn't act on my impulse and shame myself by making love to a child." }, { "number": "1726", "head": "12/30/90", "content": "It's a Sunday and I'm going to do a show tomorrow, so I'd better get ready. I eat caramels, which at first irritate my throat and I cough, but I keep eating them and get used to them. Each square candy has some information in it for the show. I'm going to lecture on Art In Spain. Each candy as I eat it creates like a slide show. I see one that shows the structure of a miniature house as it's being built. I'm glad because this will be good history to present in the show. I look for the number of that candy so I can find it again. I see two numbers. (see drawing). The first number is tied to a stick figure reindeer, so I choose the second number. I'm not prepared but it's time for the show. I feel nervous stage fright. Why do I keep doing this, I wonder? I go into the auditorium. There is a small crowd, maybe half a house. Oh well. I sit perpendicular to the audience and look at the stage. I see two red posters with words on it: my props. My mother and Ellie sit in the front row, in front of me, as I am actually facing the side of the audience (see drawing). My mother hands me folders of poems of a famous poet in case I want to quote him, to fill in time, or for contrast. Then the first act is on and my mother and Ellie are talking very loudly. I am embarrassed. Two black people, a man, standing and a woman sitting, are laughing loud and long. I think, \"Uh, oh, tough audience.\" Then suddenly I can't see. I can't force my eyes open. I struggle and struggle, nearly panicked. I'd get one open a bit and be convinced things weren't where they were supposed to be. I saw the wheelchair I was sitting in, in front of me. I saw my own arm like it was up against my eye. (When I woke, it was.) I saw dry ice clouds and the four bright yellow and white machines making the fog to the right. I feel afraid and continue to try and force my eyes open. My mother stands up and walks to me. I say, \"I can't see.\" She touches my eyes and examines them. She says there's a skin layer grown over the lids, holding them down (like scar tissue). She pulls it off. I can now see out of one eye occasionally. I still struggle. I say,\"I guess I can't go on, maybe someone else can do my part, at least I'll be able to see the play I wrote.\" I feel frustrated and a little relieved" }, { "number": "1727", "head": "01/02/91", "content": "I am doing a lecture on poetry. I have a fat book of different poets and a mimeographed set of pages of the ones I'll read and talk about, only I keep getting confused and have to keep looking the poem up in the text to see if it's the right one. The audience is getting restless. I'm embarrassed I keep apologizing, \"I don't know why I am having so much trouble.\" I realize I should have just had the proper pages separated and marked. Somehow I know I did that, but It's not working anyway. A woman in the audience plays a guitar to keep everyone entertained. I am grateful to her and think, \"What good thinking. How nice of her. How fortunate for me she did that.\" Names of the poets are Fred Mann, Locke, Sharp. A woman poet writes about children. The older man who is paying me to do the lecture suggests we take a short break. I am relieved because that will give me time to get it together. He's annoyed at me. I leave the room to find the bathroom. As I'm walking down a sidewalk, Darryl/Tom walks up to me. I feel a sad/excited feeling wash over me. He asks if he can talk to me as we walk. I agree and keep walking. He seems shy and hesitant. I know he's going to apologize and try to get back together with me and I want him to because I've missed him, and I don't want him to because he hurt me badly and he probably hasn't changed. He stands very close to me and I feel like I can't breathe well from need of his love. I back away. He follows. We are standing by a grand piano. I walk so that he is now facing me with the piano between us. He says,\"I love you. I want to get together again. Is there any chance?\" I feel like crying. I want to melt into his arms and hug him and feel loved. I keep repeating in my head, \"Don't do it. Don't believe him.\" I say, \"You hurt me so bad. I loved you and you went away. I was so lonely, even when I was with you.\" He is contrite and waits. I now continue walking to find the bathroom. He follows, hoping. I am torn. Now the older man, semi-bald, comes up and walks with me. He says, \"Will you take a picture of me?\" He hands me his camera, a (see drawing) slim, 35 mm camera. I say, \"Sure.\" \"You are so kind to do this.\" He smiles. He's in focus, but someone walks by and I move the camera, and now it's out of focus. I fiddle with the focus lens and the man says, \"My daughter was raped.\" I gasp, \"How awful\" \"Yes,\" he says, \"Did you get her professional help?\" \"No,\" he says. \"I'm a counselor,\" I smile, apologetic to explain my intensity. \"I have a bias that people are helped by counseling.\" The man thinks about it, but I know he's not convinced. Several people are standing around, wanting to walk by, but waiting for me to take the picture. I get it in focus. The man smiles big and I snap it. We walk back to the lecture room so I can resume my poetry lecture." }, { "number": "1728", "head": "01/02/91", "content": "I'm sitting in the V. living room, watching TV and holding a guitar. I start playing with the music on TV and notice I'm doing pretty well. I look out the window. There is some ornate kind of thing out there that I was making. Some older man, semi-bald, was inspecting it. He wasn't too sure what it was. My mother comes in with the mail. She hands me two pieces. \"Is this all I got?\" I ask. \"Yes,\" she says, putting an advertisement piece on the back of the couch. I look at the first envelope in my lap, a white one I'd sent a play script out in. The return address was \"ugh revue.\" The stamps were placed randomly all over the front of the envelope. \"Hum,\" I thought, \"a rejection letter. Wonder how they worded it and if they have anything encouraging to say?\" I feel OK about it because it was an inferior company, so it didn't matter anyway. The next envelope is an advertisement piece and I wonder if it's the same as my parents'. I see it's from \"Business Manager\" and realize it's not like my parents'. It has a rip (tried to spell tear/tare) in the front and I lift up the torn part and find a ball point pen with a writing end on both ends. A pencil is the same way, sharpened on both ends. I open a tube and at first think there's candy in it, but then I pull out one pretty red high heel shoe with a red and navy blue bow on the front. I like it and realize it's totally useless as is because it's only one shoe, not a pair. \"How clever,\" I think. \"How much insurance will I have to buy to get the second shoe?\" The ad read something like, \"Don't be half covered, get full protection.\"" }, { "number": "1729", "head": "01/03/91", "content": "I see turkey and fixings in a microwave. Someone asks me if I had dinner yet. I say, \"Yes, Ginny fixed me dinner.\" The relatives then start arriving for the reunion. I see Aunt Charlotte and invite her in. I ask her to really talk to me. She hesitates and then decides she will. We go upstairs. This is a three-story house, old but roomy house. The stairs are broad, wood, and sturdy. The square banister posts are large, beautiful and strong, as is the rail. In this room I see my father, Uncle Dudley and Dwight. Aunt Charlotte and I sit on a sort of couch. She says, \"I'm not sure how much to tell you.\" I say, \"Please tell me as much as you can. I want to know everything. You can talk about my parents. I was sexually abused, you know.\" She says, \"I know.\" I try to formulate the question, \"How and what do you know?\" but the moment passes. She says, \"Do you remember Uncle _____, a friend of Grandfather's (Lloyd) and our neighbor? He used to do this.\" (She demonstrates as she moves her left hand slowly and seductively from her hip down to her pubic area.) I am sitting in my white satin jeans, legs apart, and feel aware of my pose and change positions because Aunt Charlotte glances at my crotch area like I've done something seductive and wrong. I become aware of the other people in the room and say to Aunt Charlotte, \"Let's go to my bedroom for more privacy to talk.\" She agrees and we leave the room. I realize that we'd just left my bedroom and say, \"But this is my bedroom.\" I think about going to Dwight's bedroom and then we start walking down the stairs. My mother/Hasani/me is walking up the stairs and she says, \"You're not going to let this rest, are you?\" I say \"No. I have 47 years of hurt. I must know so I can let go and release the pain (arthritis) and dance again.\" She says, \"You can use my bedroom, next to the kitchen to talk.\" She hesitates and then says, \"I can talk about it, you know, but it hurts so much.\" \"I know,\" I say with empathy. Aunt Charlotte says, \"Maybe we just exaggerate things.\" I say, \"NO! That's what all the victims say.\"" }, { "number": "1730", "head": "01/04/91", "content": "Theresa B and her family had to move. I am with them. We are all sleeping in the same bed. The husband and the children get up and leave and Theresa and I sleep in until 11:00! It feels great. I needed the rest. Then I wake up and yawn and get two cigarettes and light them both up. This is a rare treat, two cigarettes at once. I puff and puff. Theresa won't wake up; she's so sleepy. So even though I meant the cigarettes for her, I get most of them myself. Then Theresa gets up and goes out, leaving the door open. People are out there. I haven't any clothes on. I scramble for my bra and am annoyed at them for looking and at Theresa for leaving the door open. I feel exposed." }, { "number": "1731", "head": "01/04/91", "content": "Ellie and I went to a conference. We sleep together. I wake up and see Paulina, who had slept in her father's room, taking a shower. It looks like a good idea. I see a woman swimming past me, near the far wall. I'm surprised and wonder if there is water in the room. I sleep more. Paulina B gets into bed with me. I pretend I'm still asleep but enjoy the sweet hug she gives me. I hug her softly and pat her. She pats me back. I notice the difference between my feelings with Ellie and her. Ellie and I are always on edge with each other. Paulina and I exchange true feelings of loving each other. It's almost like she's my baby girl again. So now Ellie and I go to take a shower. The thing isn't very good. There are different nozzles and not much strength in the stream of water. Someone leaves the door open. A young teen boy comes in, rough and smart-mouthed. He has a scissor and threatens me. He rapes me. I have no feelings, even though I cry and sob and cry out, \"help\" and \"rape.\" Later, I critique a story or movie about a mild man who has a water process to create steel. The macho men laugh, it won't work, they do fine with their fire and forge. Later, they learn this new method is better and have to back up and respect him." }, { "number": "1732", "head": "01/05/91", "content": "I am seated either in the driver's seat, or in the back seat behind it. Dwight was driving and he gets out to adjust something and doesn't put the brakes on. We start rolling and I call out to Dwight. Either I can't reach the brakes, or I don't think to do so, and we roll down a hill and finally crash into someone's garage wall. There was only minor damage to the wall and the red pickup. The man and his wife come out of the house. I recognize him as a local celebrity, perhaps a lecturer, author, or storyteller. Dwight offers to pay and hands him a fist full of change. He almost chooses an old silver dollar and then chooses two old and valuable pennies. We leave, walking. I tell Dwight he gave up too much. The damage was mild but the pennies were worth millions. I insist he go back and renegotiate. I think I'll help teach Dwight how to be assertive. Instead, I just take over and do it myself. I do it well, asking that he give back the pennies and receive recompense more at the level of the damage. He agrees. Then, a weird creature slithers up. It is a human male, but in the form and posture of an alligator. His human eyes are sort of on top of his head like a 'gator. We are introduced to this pet. He then hops on his tail and is now standing like a man on his feet." }, { "number": "1733", "head": "01/05/91", "content": "I'm at a conference of some kind, a motel. I have trouble locking the door of my cabin. I have trouble turning on the porch lights. I'm walking back to the main area. My cousin Abner, who I falsely call Nate, has a handmade guitar, a square board with three strings, one too loose to play. He hands it to me to play. I do quite well, singing a love song in a strong, clear, pretty voice. People like it." }, { "number": "1734", "head": "01/05/91", "content": "I see Andrea and two men at an exercise area. I'm getting ready to leave with someone, a friend, female. I say, \"Oh, I want to tell Andrea. I'll just take five minutes. Go on ahead.\" I watch as the three line up to run a race. I am amazed how fast Andrea is. She wins easily. I call to her and start telling her how I used to have a box full of papers from my teaching year in another state. \"That was a very hard year,\" I said. \"I call it my memory box.\" I share with Andrea how good I feel now. I think I let go of the memory boxes. Then I told her about how I played my guitar so well with Nate, I mean, Abner, who I was going to marry when I was 6 years old." }, { "number": "1735", "head": "01/06/91", "content": "A child is playing. I watch and then step into the box she was using, and while in the box, standing, I pick it up, with me in it, and carry me into the house. The child is quite amazed I can do that. It felt smooth and easy. Now Grandpa Lloyd and a child are leaving. I get out of the box and go outside to wave goodbye. Grandma Mildred grabs me and starts dancing with me and I feel surprised that she would do that, surprise that she's not leaving with Grandpa Lloyd and frustration that she's interfering with me saying goodbye. I say, \"Soon we'll go visit Grandpa.\" Aunt Esther is grumpy and says, \"But it's 2:00 already, when will you have time?\" I am annoyed and also realize she's right. I won't have time and I sigh, \"Oh, well, some other time.\" I see my six uncles (one of them my father) playing on the lawn (sort of a leap frog or hide and seek game). My aunts are all on the patio/porch with me. Aunt Bridget looks pale and blonde. She asks if she got any sun. I look and see that her left cheek, as she faces me, is red with sunburn. I tell her. She says, \"Good, some color.\" It used to be the fad to be white and pale and she was always afraid to get in the sun and made quite an anxious deal out of it. She's glad its not so now. I notice some golden brown tan spots and say, \"You would look very nice tanned golden brown.\"" }, { "number": "1736", "head": "01/07/91", "content": "Lydia has a restaurant and I'm helping her out. It's crowded and she's overwhelmed. I ask, \"What do I need to do?\" She says, \"Wait on tables.\" I do. There is a snooty couple that I don't like that I wait on. Somewhere in the dream there is a baby girl I take care of. I change her diapers and talk with her. This is somewhere in the beautiful mountains, maybe in a Rocky Mountain state. I ask if the new train route can be got from S City, no, from the Coast, N City. Now it's near the end of the day, about 5:00 and I have a few \"set ups\" to do for reserved. special requests. The instructions are written on the placemats. The first is an airline pilot. He needs a glass of water at table 63A. He likes to be called by his name. Another is a couple who pay by Visa. I add up their bill and it comes to $1,000 dollars. We have to give $100 change and Lydia is concerned it's a scam with a bad Visa to get cash. Then I go to a young man's table. I lay down on the grass in front of it and hug the grass lovingly. This is a way of telling him I understand and accept his beliefs. He responds by hugging the meadow grass on his side. We talk. He asks me out, says he'd take me to town if I wanted, after work. I accept, and confess I'd like to see some of the tourist thing like the Paul Bunyan monument. He grimaces, but agrees. I have one more table set up, for a prom. Another woman says, \"It's going to be hard.\" I take a pretty blue cloth that has velcro across the top and try to get it to evenly cover a board. It won't go on evenly. I keep trying. Then a blue pin (see drawing) [square] sort of a square (see drawing) triangle. It makes a hole in the lovely cloth. I feel frustrated." }, { "number": "1737", "head": "01/12/91", "content": "I am in a room with other women like a dorm sleeping room. One is very large with generous sized butt and breasts, an earth mother of the ancient type where cherubs were chubby and beauty had folds of fat. One woman helped me stand up and then went off to do something. I was upset and told her not to do that because I can't stand up very long before it hurts. A woman says to me, \"I am not gay.\" I say, \"Neither am I,\" feeling embarrassed as though I am \"protesting too much.\" I continue to explain that I have enough trouble with isolation and being held apart because I'm different with disability. I sure don't need to add any more with being gay too!" }, { "number": "1738", "head": "01/12/91", "content": "I am staying somewhere and everyday I go out and get a paper ticket on my car. I have to turn them in when I leave. Now it's time to leave and I'm packing, but can't find all the tickets. I hope that doesn't hold me up. I look at my left wrist and see long bunches of hairs (maybe 3\" long) growing out of my wrist. I remark that's just like my mother and we compare our clumps of hairs. We soap them into \"whale spouts\" just alike." }, { "number": "1739", "head": "01/13/91", "content": "A tall many-storied building stands near a road. A construction crew is looking for a structural problem. I go into the building to the basement and I see a twisted place in a girder, a long beam. I come out and tell the foreman the building is about to collapse. We start running away and hiding in the bushes. I am next to the road and realize I must stop traffic because the building is going to fall on the road. I run onto the road yelling at the pedestrians to stop! Some ignore me and break past me, walking into the dangerous area. I see the building and actually try to visualize it falling because it isn't and I've got all these people stopped and they are annoyed at me. It finally collapses far away from the road. A person glares at me for hindering them. I shrug. Better safe than sorry." }, { "number": "1740", "head": "01/13/91", "content": "I find a business card that says \"BLUE LENS.\" I wonder if it means the color blue on a camera lens or the Blues Music. I'm told its a special elite video crew that only records the top talents of that company and they are coming to record on video, me. I feel surprised and honored. So I go to the house and a woman/maid shows me my room. My little girl has a room down the hall. I'm supposedly getting the VIP treatment. I go in to \"#23.\" It's a lovely room. It's time to take a bath, but first the maid shows me a tall, fancy French chest of drawers. In one drawer is a couch in case I have company. (high school friend Dora is in the dream somewhere.) Three drawers are full of pillows. One drawer has a green army blanket in it. Now the drawers open up like doors (French) to the bathroom. There is a fancy bathtub. I get into it. It's very narrow and tall, with black handled faucets. The maid fills the tub with water. I hope it doesn't go over my head when I sit, because the sides of the tub do. She offers to soap up my legs for me. I notice I have hairy legs. I choose to do it myself." }, { "number": "1741", "head": "01/13/91", "content": "I am in a house. I am renting it from high school friend Dora's mom and dad for $78.00 a month. Dora comes to visit and is impressed with the house. I say, \"You should see how many toilets and kitchens I have.\" I take her on a tour and there are at least three separate apartments in the house, only it's all one house. The bottom rooms are lovely: two bedrooms, a sitting room, kitchen and bath (three toilets). A man tries to sneak out and I realize he's been living there on the sly. He asks if he can stay. I suggest he pay rent. \"How much?\" he asks. \"$100 apiece,\" I say (he has a friend). I am very pleased with myself that I would get more money than I'm putting out and therefore make a profit." }, { "number": "1742", "head": "01/15/91", "content": "A family Christmas gathering. I see Doug leaning over the face of an older, ugly woman, perhaps an Aunt. He's standing behind her and she's tilted back looking up at him. He drools on her face. I feel disgust. I am seated on a couch, but I am crouched or squatting behind my cousin Patricia. My knees are hugging her back. It's a friendly posture. I give Jake a box of 20 different colored felt markers. I watch his face. He's not pleased and I feel bad. He then opens my second present which is more of the same. I say, \"I'm sorry, did I give you the same thing? I'll change it.\" He walks away, unhappy. I follow him and tell him I want to talk. Jake isn't interested, but I persist. \"You're nearly 40 now and looking at your life, what have you accomplished? What time do you have left to do, what?\" Jake scoffs and ignores me as he usually does." }, { "number": "1743", "head": "01/16/91", "content": "I'm in some cafe area. Danny Devito sits with me. I am interviewing him. He likes me and we joke back and forth. We are talking about dating. I say I just don't know how to \"play the game,\" its been so long because I hate the game of it all. He wants to kiss me and makes a wiggly eyebrow joking about \"squeaking\" my breasts. I raise my hands in defense. We laugh. A whole lot of people are around standing, watching the interview hopefully. It's obvious we like each other and we are having fun joking back and forth. Finally says, \"Let's kiss.\" I say, \"OK, but don't rush it.\" This is important because if I don't like the kiss, I won't want a relationship with him and I don't want to ruin the chance because I do like him and I've been lonely for a long time. I want to have a relationship. So we kiss; it's not the best, but acceptable. The crowd cheers and one woman says, \"I'm so glad she's finally found someone.\" So Danny and I talk long into the night, enjoying each other. Now we're married and I am sort of in Danny and sort of watching him. The woman/me is now Faye Dunaway. She's a total bitch. We live in the beautiful mansion, wonderfully furnished rooms, many stories high, room after room. Danny hides from me because all I do is yell, complain and speak in a harsh, angry voice. I am vacuuming. Danny and his male friend tiptoe past me going from room to room looking for a place to relax where she won't find them. Danny carries a tiny tabby kitten who is sweet, lively and curious. He/me pets the kitten. We are followed by the sound of the vacuum and her angry voice yammering. We go from room to room. We pause at the exercise room. Danny says, \"She'd never come in this room,\" but we hear the relentless sound of the vacuum cleaner coming toward us. We accidentally knock off the handle and struggle, slightly panicked to get the door open. We do it and go on down the hall. We find an elevator but decide to use the stairs so she won't hear the elevator. We go to the roof area and get in a swimming pool. Danny lays down in the shallow water, his friend lays sort of on him, between his legs, both facing up like they were sunning. The pool is filled to overflowing with Japanese men. The kitten wants to wander on and Danny lets go of it and it goes on to play elsewhere. Faye Dunaway and her maid are standing in a window a story above the pool and looks out and sees Danny. Caught. Danny's stomach feels tight from \"fear\" or discomfort but he kind of gives up and continues sunning in the pool. Faye's face is full of hatred and anger." }, { "number": "1744", "head": "01/18/91", "content": "I am crying, sobbing. I feel enormous sadness. I'm leaving the man I love. His name is Jack Kennedy. He's very upset. I run from him and slam the door shut, struggling with the lock to get it locked before he pushes open the door. The lock is like an old one at M City House. He's hurt and begging me to open the door. I start packing my things. I pick up bouquets of flowers and toss them across the room in my sadness/anger. I pick up roses in green florist paper and realize I've got thorns in my left thumb and finger. It hurts and I cry as I try to pull out the thorns. Howard forces open the door and gently pulls out the thorns." }, { "number": "1745", "head": "01/18/91", "content": "I'm in a room, large, a sink on one wall, so maybe its a kitchen. I like this man and he likes me. There is a child, a girl. We love her. Mirabelle comes in. She's upset because of her blindness. I talk about my feelings about disability. She's complaining that people always over-help her. I agree. The man gently asks if he ever did that. I tell him yes. When we first met, he did some of the usual things AB's do around disabled people. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I finish the dishes. Then Mary and I sit on a table which is on wheels and we accidentally roll over to where the man is sitting. He introduces us to his wife, a pretty young woman with brown eyes and a pageboy hair cut. She's partially deaf and I hear it in her voice. I am surprised and sad that he's married. I say hello to her and we talk." }, { "number": "1746", "head": "01/19/91", "content": "I am in a play or movie. I'm playing a sexy slut, with a platinum blonde wig, a furry white bra, halter top, big boobs. I come on stage wearing a sexy dress over the sexy outfit. I'm waiting for my boyfriend. Another man, the \"bad guy,\" sits near me and on the arm of the chair I'm seated in, curled up in a sexy way. He moves his hand to cause my dress to fall more revealingly to show more leg. Then he sits next to me, his arm now around me. He asks me to dance. I agree. He pulls me close. I see he has a large butcher knife. I have one too. We fight like swords fighting. I feel sad, but I must defend myself. I try to knife his balls. He dodges. He's a good-looking man. I'm attracted to him but he's clearly trying to get at my boyfriend through me. [BL]" }, { "number": "1747", "head": "01/19/91", "content": "I'm tap dancing on stage with a group of tap dancing blind women. Some have canes. We do nice, fancy steps. I try to help guide them. Lucy counts her steps and does well. She misses one count and comes too close to the wall. I give her directions." }, { "number": "1748", "head": "01/20/91", "content": "I'm at a high school or church, at an assembly. Everyone is sitting on wooden benches like in a church. A woman holds a huge boa constrictor snake which she has brought to show us. She wants me to touch the snake and get to know it, but I'm afraid to. So I start backing away. She follows me, insisting. I start to move among the seated students, ducking down so she can't see me. She just keeps coming. I run and hide, run and hide. I end up among the 7th grade girls, hoping she doesn't notice how much older I am, being a senior in high school. She smiles and says, \"How young you girls look.\" I think maybe I should give up and touch the head of the snake, but can't get over my sense of fear which I now think is perhaps not warranted." }, { "number": "1749", "head": "01/20/91", "content": "I'm helping out at a church. The pastor is busy and so I take a telephone call from a woman who wants a refill on her prescription. I ask where does she think she's called? She says, \"Valley,\" the name of a pharmacy. I tell her she's got the wrong number. This is a church. Then I go to a room, where a few people and I are seated around a table. I'm taking my pills and get confused with my pink pill. It looks just like my \"aspergum\" pill only now the aspergum pill is larger, like a round piece of bubble gum with its name imprinted on it. I take my pills and then see more in a small dispenser cup. Confusion. A man says, \"Oh, the four of us will be late,\" and I realize the church services are getting ready to start up. I wonder if maybe I will sit in, a sense of wanting to connect and I look in through the two glass windows. I'm in a rest or cry room and then there's another glassed-in room where some people are seated in pews. Beyond that is the crowded church area. I see the richly robed (red and gold) band and choir filing up to the front. The horn section (trombones) is moving their horns back and forth like a fancy 40's band or like \"Chicago\" or Herb Alpert band. The choir is already seated, doing hand jive moves to the song. I want to go join them and yet feel hesitant. I decide to sit in the back room, \"cry room\" and listen in. If it gets boring or dogmatic, I can leave. I have old, distant feelings of fear about sitting in a quiet crowd. I see a woman wearing a white hat with foofy flowers and netting. She's getting ready to sit down." }, { "number": "1750", "content": "(01/21/91)\"Red Shat Christmas\"" }, { "number": "1751", "head": "01/22/91", "content": "I see two women's legs from the knees to the feet encased in lacy black stockings. They are lying down and a man is watching. The implication is that he's watching them make love and is sexually excited by it." }, { "number": "1752", "head": "01/22/91", "content": "A woman is in the passenger side of a car. She has lied and said she lives in this huge blue house. So the driver takes her to the house and is waiting to see how she'll handle this. The woman stalls for time but the driver waits, knowing she lied. Finally, a woman in the house notices the car and goes out to see what's going on. She thinks someone 's come to visit her. She says hello. The woman in the car brazens it out and gets out of the car and goes into the house with her as though they knew each other. Now we're inside and I'm the woman in the car. The woman of the house puts me to work. I start doing dishes and she tells me to make a casserole for dinner. I ask for a recipe and she says, \"Just do the usual, use three groups of food.\" I decide it is necessary to do this work for pay for her hospitality. I don't like it much. Ellie and possibly Charla are there and I'm annoyed that she's not doing her share of the work. Now Hank comes in. I bring food into the living room to serve the guests and clean up. Hank is being uppity and ridiculing me. I get angry and slap him in the face several times. He's got a beard and a chubby face (like Howard). I tell him I don't like him. I drop some food on a pillow on the floor and sit to pick it up, trying to clean it up. Hank looks on contemptuously." }, { "number": "1753", "head": "01/23/91", "content": "I'm in a restaurant, eating. I choose a vanilla cream pie. A line of auditioning actors line up. I go to join them and am shown a place to stand where I'll be out of the way. I think about protesting but let it go. Now I'm on a bus. A young, good-looking man named John is standing. He wants to dance. I go to him and offer to dance with him. I take his hand, the opposite way from normal. I am the girl, so my right arm should be out, but I take the lead with my left arm. I say in a way of explanation, \"Oh well, it's my dream, after all.\" Then I change so he has the lead and I say, \"I guess it is John's dream, really.\" We dance. I pull us cheek to cheek. He hesitates and pulls back slightly. He tells me a long, polite story. I say, \"Well, I guess what you are saying is that I'm good looking for an older woman.\" He didn't want to hurt my feelings. I say, \"I don't feel it. I don't like it, but it is true.\" I let go and walk to the front of the bus to watch the scenery. Several women and the male bus driver are singing. I join in, loudly harmonizing, showing off for John in the back of the bus. Suddenly there are bushes across the road. We drive through them, not even slowing down. But with a sense of shock I see that the road has suddenly ended in a huge lake and the bus is free floating through the air and crashes in the water. I say, \"Open the door so we can swim out before we drown.\" The driver opens the door and we get out. Lucy is afraid. I reassure her. We paddle toward shore, which is close by. I notice the water is muddy and I then stand. The water is only waist deep; there is no danger after all. Then, someone says, \"Look! A water fall,\" and they all go wading down the shoreline toward a thunderous, huge water fall. I say, \"Oh, oh\" because I will follow them and don't feel comfortable about wading in unknown muddy water. I could step in a deep hole and be in trouble, but I go anyway. Now it's a highway again that ends at a cliff edge that is glassed in. We stand and look down to see this waterfall. The people are in my way and now the glass wall is only 3' high and down a slope. I lay down on my belly and scoot in closer. All I see is an empty cafe with a sheet of water coming down the far wall. Pretty tame. I go up one level to see if I can get a better glimpse. This time the far wall is beautifully carved like natural rock formations in the form of two bear faces. I go up to the top level and still can't see the full waterfall." }, { "number": "1754", "head": "01/23/91", "content": "I just moved to a new town on the coast and I'm looking for a job. I go into this toy factory and step up to the receptionist's counter. It's quite ornate like a Rube Goldberg Machine. The woman looks down at me, unsmiling, and asks what I want. I ask for an application. A box full of folded papers slides down a tube. One application folds out like a paper flower and I take it. It has strange things on it, like it's a brochure for the toys. I realize that this is a wonderful series of jokes and I smile and laugh, just watching and enjoying. I am being watched by the older man, the owner of the factory. He approves of my attitude. He's been waiting, because most of the women get confused or angry and leave. He says to someone, \"I'll make her my wife.\" He calls me in and gives me his proposition. We will marry but it will not involve sex, merely a marriage of convenience. I think about it. He seems a nice enough guy and agree. But then he changes his mind. I shrug and smile and say, \"Oh well, is this the way I get back?\" He is impressed that I take it so good-naturedly and don't demand money for the return trip home. I start walking back. He follows. I stop and look at the beautiful bay and the ocean. I admire a furry animal as it scurries through the marsh grass. I ask if this is an island and if that man has the only return boats. I find a \"delivery service\" building and go in to get a ticket. The man comes up to me. He's short, too short, I think, so I make him taller, but he's a few inches shorter than me. I shrug. It's good enough. He tells me, \"The clock tells good time but it is always one minute fast.\" He made the clock. It never sold well. It has an ornate sculpture of the mountains and coast. I examine it and then pepper him with questions because I can see ways he can improve the clock and make it a better seller. He has, as usual, cluttered things up unnecessarily. He's very impressed with my enthusiasm, good sense and persistence. He decides he does want to marry me. Now we're in the back seat of his chauffeur-driven, black, older car. The window is down and we are hanging our heads but looking at the scenery as it goes by, almost like a dog does, the wind flapping in our faces. The man tells me that he has two brothers. I see one, Rod Taylor, good looking and young, and realize this will make a good story if I fall in love with him while I'm married to the older, duller brother. The man says the man his mother married wasn't the father of any of the kids. The mother went out and had three different affairs with strangers off the streets and had three different kids. The man she was married to raised all the kids as his own. Then my \"husband\" said, \"I've only told 12 people this story and you're the only one I've told it all to.\" I nod and say, \"I am honored.\" We have a grudging sense of caring and respect for each other." }, { "number": "1755", "head": "01/24/91", "content": "I am at a school as a guest speaker. A young man is also a speaker, We chat and pass in the halls as we go to our classrooms to speak. After we're done I'm going to leave and he says, \"Do you want to eat one of those frank and cheese things they have for lunch? They're pretty good.\" I say, \"Sure,\" hoping this means he likes me and wants to spend time with me. He goes to get one. As I'm waiting, I realize I'm feeling sad and frustrated. He won't really like me, he's just being polite. So I get up and start leaving quickly. An older man, short, glasses and balding like (Clyde?) starts talking to me. It slows me down. He stops to pee in a restroom stall, still talking. I can see the stream of urine. He didn't even bother to shut the door. I am offended and start running. Nobody cares about me, is my feeling. Another older man starts talking to me. I barely nod, feeling impolite but too angry and hurt to really care. Then an older woman says she wants to tell me a construction story and starts in describing the manger scene of Joseph, Mary and the baby Jesus. I give up and start walking back to where I left the young man, listening to her go on and on. I pass the two older men who look at me and apologize. I just wave them off. I know I'll see the young man again, but it can't be helped. Then I say to the woman, annoyed, \"Are you telling me that the best occupation for a woman is to have a baby? You're telling this to a cripple?\" I am incredulous at her insensitivity." }, { "number": "1756", "head": "01/24/91", "content": "I'm in an upstairs balcony hall above a gym where basketball is being played. I crawl out of a small rowboat onto the hall floor. We'd just gone through some crisis and everyone is responding to panic in their own unique way. My way was to drop my scrapbook that has past memorabilia in it. I then must pick it up, but I can't seem to get it together. The pages slip out of my grasp, things fall out. My mother says, \"Leave it there, come on.\" I snap back, \"No! I can do it. I want it.\" I continue struggling until I gather it up. I stand and look down at the gym floor. I see Darryl in a black leather jacket with his arm around a girl. I feel sad. I walk on. I go now to the upstairs penthouse apartments where my parents stayed the night. I want to see these posh rooms. I go in and see strangers there, packing up their bags. I see my mother and ask her if they had to share the rooms. She said, \"Yes.\" I'm in a kitchen room and see two rooms that could be bedrooms and ask my mother which one she and my father slept in. She's harried and doesn't respond. I keep asking questions and it bothers her. She's angry at me. She turns and says, \"You are not beautiful.\" I am very hurt and shocked. She continues, \"You're not ugly, but you just aren't beautiful.\" She also tells me other things she doesn't like about me. In fact, she always pretended to like me more than she really does because she always believed you should equally love your kids; but the truth is, she never really liked me. I look at the view from one of the rooms." }, { "number": "1757", "head": "01/25/91", "content": "Tyler is being very tender toward me. I watch as an old priest and Tyler are standing with a renegade priest (Richard Burton) between them. Richard has been very bad and so Tyler and the old priest have to kill him. They are sad. They don't want to do it, but they must. The old priest holds Richard by the ankles over the edge of the cliff. Far down below is a rocky river edge and a river. Richard is terrified, but knows it must be. They let go and he falls, screaming. He lands in the river and splashes around. He calls up to the old priest, \"I'll just swim upriver to drown myself.\" This is a courtesy to the priest, so he won't have to watch him die, but it's also a course of action to connive his way into extending his own life. The priest shakes his head and says, \"No! Go downriver.\" Richard looks. Down the river are rocky rapids. It's sure death. He gulps and agrees, starting to slowly swim down the rapids. As we watch, he realizes the rapids are merely pools of water between big rocks. It's no danger and he smiles warmly back at the old priest. He will live after all. Later, Tyler is looking at Bonnie's back. She was hurt. He is gentle. I watch as he stands behind her and looks. Then he asks to look at my back. It's bent forward from sitting in the wheelchair so much. Then he gently turns me around and gives me \"the colors.\" He presses his hand into my forehead, which forces me to lay back on his arm and a counter top. This causes me to see colors, but I only see a little bit. He says, \"I'm sorry.\" I reassure him that I did see some colors." }, { "number": "1758", "head": "01/28/91", "content": "I am giving birth to my third baby. Someone looks under the blanket and sees that, unbeknownst to me, the baby is already born. He's very cute and lying on my belly. I am amazed and say, \"But I didn't feel any pain, not even a tiny twinge!\" Someone says, \"But now we have to get the afterbirth out, that will hurt.\" I feel labor-like pains as they push on my belly." }, { "number": "1759", "head": "01/29/91", "content": "All night long, Jared is drunk and talking in his incoherent, mumbly monotone. Finally, I have enough and I tell him off. I call him a boring bastard. Then I notice a baby girl standing inside a flaming fireplace. I go to her and say sympathetically, \"You must be very hot and uncomfortable.\" She agrees. I pick her up and hold her, taking her away from the fire." }, { "number": "1760", "head": "01/29/91", "content": "It's my birthday. I get up and go to the living room, where there is a bed. On the bed is a guru person seated on a pillow. I say, \"I dreamt you were here and now you are! How amazing.\" I am joined by a group of my women friends and a box of chocolate candies. It's not exactly the same candies as in the dream, but close enough. Then I get up. Howard has come in. He wants us to stay together. I want to get a divorce and go live alone in a cabin in the woods. He is sad, but agrees. We discuss who will keep the children. I want to keep them this time, but am torn, because it would be so hard, so much energy." }, { "number": "1761", "head": "01/29/91", "content": "Three women roommates have three or four men roommates. The women notice the men have disappeared and only come back occasionally and secretly. We look in their room and see only four shirts left in their closet. They usually have many more. We suspect they are out trying to have sex with the wife of one of them. The guy is gone so they're after her. We don't approve. I feel sad they would do this. Now I am one of the women and I'm hiding in the basement/laundry room to spy on them. I'm under a pile of clothes and sheets. They come in to get clean shirts. There is a gorilla/monkey with them. He makes lots of noise. I listen to them talk and realize they were being honorable after all. They've been going up to a monastery (I see a dragon-like creature with a Chinese monkey face) to take care of things there." }, { "number": "1762", "head": "01/30/91", "content": "I had my passport and Traveler's Checks and now I can't find them. I'm looking through all the bags and feeling frustrated. I hold Fluffy and comment on the beautiful blue and black colors of her fur. The blue is startling. I am trying to tidy up the things and I start to paint the inside of the bag black. I have a tiny bottle with a brush applicator like typing correction fluid. I realize it will take a long time. The stuff is thick and hard to spread. One square wooden doll house room I decide to do in white. It's for my mother and I feel sad." }, { "number": "1763", "head": "01/31/91", "content": "Two men come into the room. They both like me and flirt, at least the younger one does. I am, however, drawn to the other one. He looks like Hector and is Native American, short and overweight. He's been in prison and he looks at me with intense, needy loving eyes. I don't want to like him, but his love and need draws me. He picks me up and carries me across the room and puts me down on the couch. I can feel his sexual desire and I watch him closely, feeling attracted and hesitant. I'm not sure what I want, so I just don't move, but watch him. He leaves me on the couch and goes into the bathroom and takes a bath. I follow him into the bathroom. The younger man is sad and leaves. A police man or detective comes around to check out this man. I sit on a counter top and talk with \"Hector\" as he bathes. I feel embarrassed. After all, he's naked. \"Hector's \" loving need for me brings him out of the tub and across the room to hug me. I'm aware of his sexual excitement and the watery feel of his still wet body. I stand up and hug him feeling his great love all around me. I relax into his embrace. Then a small girl comes into the room crying for her \"Linda mom.\" She had awakened afraid and had walked out to find \"Linda Mamma,\" even though she was afraid to leave her bed. I let go of \"Hector\" and pick up the girl. I hug her and say, \"Linda Mom left, I'm the only one here. I'll have to do.\" She's sad, so I show her the bed that \"Linda Mom\" used to sleep on. It is piled high with laundry. Now \"Hector\" is back in the living room playing an Italian accordion squeeze box. Now there are two little girls and I dance with them. The littlest one dances between my legs as I hold her arms." }, { "number": "1764", "head": "02/04/91", "content": "I go to the hospital to get surgery. I sit in the bed and see my mother and Grandma Mildred. I'm glad and surprised they came to be with me. Then, I see cousins, Marci and some small boys. I see Aunt Rosalie and Uncle Gus. At least I think it's him and wonder to myself, \"If he was the one that abused me, wouldn't I know it by feeling bad or strange around him?\" He and Rosalie are seated on the next hospital bed, Rosalie sitting up, and he relaxed and semi-reclining. I chat with the small boy cousins and ask their names. Then a nurse comes in to prep me and asks what meds I've taken. She then says, \"You can't have your surgery today. You'll have to wait until tomorrow.\" The next day I'm going back to the hospital. Dwight is there and a small baby girl 1 and 1/2 or 2 years old. We are behind a marching band. I say, \"We should hold her hand.\" Dwight holds her left hand and an older man in the band holds her right hand. I feel a little guilty that I don't hold her hand. We are holding up the last part of the parade and I suggest we drop back to the last place. We do. I suggest the man go on with the band and I hold her hand, but he wants to keep hold of her hand. As we walk down the hall, I ask Dwight how his litter of puppies are. \"Which ones?\" he says. \"The really ugly ones with the wrinkled faces?\" He says, \"They're in the barn, doing OK.\" He'll sell them soon. I get into the hospital bed and the nurse comes to set up my IV." }, { "number": "1765", "head": "02/08/91", "content": "I'm in my bedroom and I hear something coming for the door. I go to look. It's like a giant white furry elephant with a short trunk. I try to keep it out of my room. I am afraid of it. I call out \"Mother\" to see if she'd come help. I poke it with a stick and rush to close the door and hold the door shut. [BL]" }, { "number": "1766", "head": "02/08/91", "content": "I am in bed, only I don't recognize which of my past bedrooms I'm in. It's dark and scary. I feel confused and disoriented. I look at the furniture hoping to remember. A man is coming and I feel scared." }, { "number": "1767", "head": "02/08/91", "content": "I am a woman athlete and go to the shower room. The men resent me. I try to ignore them. I am the only woman there. I go into a shower stall and look back out. I see a row of naked men, taking showers. I only see their back sides. I pull my plastic shower curtain closed, but it won't stay closed and I keep fiddling with it. I start to take off my clothes, some guy pulls open my curtain and I feel exposed and angry. A group of women march in, angry at me for being different. One woman says, \"Some one has to get the dinner.\" I challenge her and say, \"Dinner! Again, dinner. Do you have a food fetish?\" I am snide. She takes offense and we walk toward each other, hands raised like boxers about to strike. We face each other and she backs down and walks away. Another woman says, \"We'll march with you,\" and I say \"Thanks, but let me take my trousers off first.\" I do so and we march for women's rights." }, { "number": "1768", "head": "02/08/91", "content": "I like a man and he likes me, but there is some sense of challenge or competition. We can't seem to get together." }, { "number": "1769", "head": "02/08/91", "content": "I see a large auditorium and I go in to see the show and end up crawling over a chicken wire fence to get into the sandy pit where people can sneak in for free. Strange people are there. Two women befriend me and stand close to me, our three heads close together. I accept it, although I don't particularly enjoy it. I look beyond the pit where pretty people all dressed up are seated in chairs where they can actually see the show." }, { "number": "1770", "head": "02/08/91", "content": "Arvonne/Theresa sells her stuff at an outdoor flea market place. I am going to help her. She gives her stuff to me and I look through it to see if there's anything valuable or that I would want. I see photos and ask if she still wants them (she used to be a famous movie star). She's not interested. I'm moving her stuff. A man comes up and is interested in the saxophone, but he is sarcastic and I decide I don't like him. He says, \"I'll bet you can't even play it.\" I sneer and say, \"Even if I could, I wouldn't sell it to you.\" He gets rude and then leaves." }, { "number": "1771", "content": "(02/08/91)(a naptime dream) I am a captain of a space ship, alone except for a robot \"little girl.\" I occasionally sleep with her and feel guilty and wonder if it's OK. I decide it's OK and go on with my work. I float/walk down halls until I get to the \"office\" console where I drive the ship. I've received a cryptic message that seems to indicate someone is going to be attacked -- maybe this space ship, maybe earth. I ask my robot about it and she says, \"But not tonight. It doesn't happen tonight.\" I am surprised \"You can look ahead in time and know what happens?\" Then what's going to happen. She is upset with herself for letting out so much already. She's nervous and says, \"The blue paper will tell.\" I go in search of the blue paper, in the \"office.\" I am aware that the attack is going to come from a race that painted their planet black so they could soak up the energy of the stars for their energy needs. They live inside the planet, which is brilliantly lighted and luminous. I find some files and go through them, no luck, then an old woman comes in with a plastic bag full of posters. Some of them blue. We look through them for the right one." }, { "number": "1772", "head": "02/09/91", "content": "I am outdoors and there is a fireplace with a fire going in it. I realize that my play scripts are in there, and I am frantic to get them out. I try to move the screen but it is locked. Peter B has the key, but he won't give it to me; he just doesn't care. I explain how important it is, but he's not impressed. I'm upset with myself that I put these valuable scripts in a potentially dangerous place. Finally Peter opens the screen and I beat out the flames. There is some damage, but essentially they are OK. Then Peter starts to kiss me. I am surprised. He's so young and good-looking. He undoes my blouse and I wait, aware that I've decided to make love to him. He lays me down and is kissing me when I open my eyes and see a woman on a ski-boat, upside down in the sky, hanging on by only a finger or two. She's having fun \"hot dogging\" and I am amazed and concerned she'll fall and hurt herself. I say, \"Peter, look!\" He's not interested. Now there are lots of students up there doing the same thing. Peter said this happens all the time. He takes my hand and pulls me up, we walk across the grass to a building and go in. It's like a radio station. I see a man in a glassed in booth. We go into a room where they store equipment. Peter introduces me to an employee there so he'll know it's OK I'm there. It's clear that Peter is looking for a place for us to make love. The employee is surprised. We locate a room and save it for later. We go out to the lawn area which is now filled with students rocking out to music. A party. I laugh and say to Peter, \"There's no people here, even you and me. No people.\"" }, { "number": "1773", "head": "02/09/91", "content": "Jennifer H and I are traveling in her car. We are on a gravel road and she's concerned because she can't see well on that kind of road. Now its dark and we can't see the road at all, just bumpy fields. We turn and go back. I get out and walk. I'm going to her house. I go in, glad to be somewhere to rest after this long journey/vacation but her house is very neat and has pretty objects in it, sort of like a House Beautiful picture and I can't get comfortable. I want to leave." }, { "number": "1774", "head": "02/09/91", "content": "A young Native American boy has a father in a wheelchair and he likes a beautiful young girl from a rich family. I am an older woman attracted to him. He has a quick mind and I am encouraging him to realize what is happening around him, what is the metaphor of the girl, the bully and the bad father. He tells me what he thinks it is. I agree. Later he says, \"No, it really was this,\" and I say, \"Yes, but it's really all the same, just a different way of looking at it.\"" }, { "number": "1775", "head": "02/09/91", "content": "Something about a boy in a wheelchair falling into a pond and a blow spout of water rescues him by blowing him up out of the water." }, { "number": "1776", "head": "02/10/91", "content": "I am Deana of Star Trek, we are on a mission. A she-devil comes and tells me she's got total control of me, or soon will, so I might as well stop struggling. I feel her mind take over mine and I feel angry and helpless. I struggle. She laughs and lays me down and she lays down with me and starts to kiss me. I feel overwhelmed and fight the desire to let go and succumb to her. I growl deep in my throat and I see I have a wolf muzzle and I bare my teeth and growl as forcefully as I can. This almost makes me as powerful as her and I am able to resist just enough to pull away from her. I run to where the crew is being held captive and I must choose the right packet. I don't know which one to choose. She's laughing at me. Her henchman is holding the two packets at me, smiling. The first officer is like Harry Anderson of Night Court and he's furious and disgusted with me for giving in or not having enough strength to fight. He grabs one of the packets and I bellow, \"I choose that one.\" Then I must read the names of the crew from the packet. I can't recognize the names and he has to help me with the pronunciations. He jeers at me in disgust that I could forget my own crew. I am furious at him and in a way its my only salvation. As long as I concentrate on my anger at him, I can still fight her strong seduction. I successfully call them all and they are free to go. They and I run for the elevator. I am screaming in terror and agony the whole way. The elevator is long and narrow. I go to a back corner and cower, sobbing and screaming. He still relentlessly despises me. A medic examines me and tells him the she-devil had replaced my brain cells with hers. It was a miracle I could hang on as long as I did to a thread of consciousness of my own being. He replaces my own cells so I can be myself again. Harry is sad that he misjudged me so." }, { "number": "1777", "head": "02/11/91", "content": "I get up and put on a skirt and blouse, kind of graey and beige colors. I see that I am very slim. Jennifer H comes in and looks at me. She says she doesn't like my outfit. I say, \"Because of the colors?\" \"Yes.\"" }, { "number": "1778", "head": "02/11/91", "content": "At a noon meeting, I am one of three people being honored. The two men go first. Dylan H is very sweet and tender toward me. They take a break before it's my turn to be honored. I decide to go find a bathroom. I walk down a long hall. I ask directions of a cleaning woman and she directs me. I find some small broom closet like stalls and go into one after startling a woman in another one by opening the door on her. I sit on a shallow square hole. I have lots of papers and am trying to sort out what I need to take with me. I see I only need a few, but decide to carry them all with me. I go back toward the meeting area to be honored. Now it is decided that I will marry this other woman's husband. She's upset with me. I'm a little uncomfortable. I self-consciously go through some things of hers to get \"my\" share: an ornate embossed letterhead, a book about the French men. (He's French) I say, \"I should read that.\" She says snidely, \"What's to know, you just maul them and ball them.\" I shrug, a little concerned that I'm getting into something I've had enough of before (Howard and sex)." }, { "number": "1779", "content": "(02/12/91)(Tuesday) Rick and I sit on a couch. He is sitting very close and puts his arm around me. I feel a little uncomfortable and try to move away slightly. Now I'm married to someone like Josh We're seated at a restaurant table. Someone shows us a 12 step list of people who are in theatre and points out they are very similar to the OCUCA steps for counselors. I read the first three and see I fit the first two. The third one says people memorize large sections of Shakespeare. I haven't, so I don't fit. I see a word \"fillias\" and someone says that's \"feet\" as in meters or units in a poem. I am surprised it's spelled that way. Josh says we can't go to the workshop. Too bad, but we can go out to eat where the keynote speaker is at and hear most of the stuff anyway. I think it odd to get up from eating to go out to eat, but feel spontaneous, and go with them." }, { "number": "1780", "head": "02/12/91", "content": "I am slim and good-looking in a pretty dress. I am riding a bike. Men look at me in appreciation of how I look. I go to a cafe. The inside is crowded. I go to the old man who shows you where to sit. He smiles at me. I go there often. I say, \"One.\" He looks around. There's only one place open, a school desk-like table right behind his. I sit there. Then I go up to get my food. I get a sandwich and a can of corn, but the can is flat. I go up to where the piano player is tuning up the piano and use the can opener. It opens it and I return to my table. I notice the can is still flat and mention it to the man who shows me the menu where for $3.00 more you can make the can round and actually get the food out. I am annoyed. What a ripoff. I decide to leave. Now the man is a spider and upset that I'm leaving. Now I'm creating a place to live, but the woman spider won't live there. She prefers to drown and throws herself in the water. The man/spider is very upset. I dive to try and rescue her (grandmother type woman). I search and search back and forth, feeling the sandy bottom. She's nowhere. I come up and see I'm at the edge of the room where the windows are. I see dustpans and say, \"Oh, there they are.\" Now the man/spider goes into the next room following a single strand of silvery web. It is her. He asks her to please not die and leave him. She says, \"I'll make a web and we'll both live in it.\" He agrees and I see two spiders together in one web. I feel repulsed by the spiders." }, { "number": "1781", "head": "02/23/91", "content": "I am concerned that the door be locked and fixed tight against Howard returning. Meanwhile a man peers into a \"closet\" window and asks if he can work on it to fix it. I agree, glad it's going to be fixed and then get worried that he may mean me harm. I realize he's a bad man and I must defend myself. I shoot him over and over. He won't die. I knife him, twisting in the blade. Still he comes for me. He's going to use my knife on me. I feel fear." }, { "number": "1782", "head": "02/23/91", "content": "Uncle Dale says, \"OK, now it's time to go to Grandma's.\" I don't want to go, but I now walk through a crowded dining room to find Amber. If she doesn't want to go, then I can feel OK about not going. I see a man from high school. I pass several times looking for Amber. I feel sad that I didn't look at or respond to the man, and now he's gone. I now go past the dining area to the kitchen. Amber is sitting on the floor in a pantry talking to her mother. I wait until she pauses and I say, \"Sorry to interrupt, but Dale has announced we're going now to see Grandma.\" She smiles and her mom says, \"Oh, he did, did he?\" I say, \"Oh well, he probably means in a few hours. He knows how long it takes us women to get going.\" We laugh indulgently. I ask Amber if she's going. She says yes, she wants to. I sigh and decide to go because she is going, even though I don't want to." }, { "number": "1783", "head": "02/25/91", "content": "A white man is accused of killing a Native American elder. The crowds go crazy. They grab him and take him off, a lynch mob. I follow to try and stop them. He is now standing on a platform surrounded by the elders. I go up there and announce that they must listen to me. They won't, so I announce that I am on my moon. They are shocked and move away. I begin my arguments to them now that I have their attention. I tell them I sympathize. They have been brutally treated by the whites. But this man is innocent. It would only be an act of revenge to hang him. I plead for his life. They mellow out some." }, { "number": "1784", "head": "03/04/91", "content": "I am in the M City house living room, in the early morning. Howard and Pete T are there to celebrate my birthday. Howard just sits there and doesn't do much. Pete brings presents, songs and joy. He represents Mary his wife. Now I sit on the couch. Lucy is seated on my left. Four babies crawl all over us, full of energy. One grabs my breast and sucks. I'm quite surprised as I'm not his mother and I don't have milk. I pull back and tuck my breast quickly back into my bra. Apparently it had accidentally been hanging out. I see a few drops of breast milk. There are four cats on the couch with us as well. Lucy is very sad and upset. She cries and cries about how she'll be going home soon to smoke more pot. No matter how much she tries, she can't seem to stop doing it. She feels hopeless. I feel a strong desire to give her advice. I feel she is just not trying hard enough. She's wailing so much about how hard it is, she's not just \"doing it.\" My mother is tired and I say to her, \"Next year, we'll do this at my house. All you'll have to do is make your usual two pies. I'll do all the other work.\" I hope she's happy and she sighs, happy but not convinced." }, { "number": "1785", "head": "03/04/91", "content": "I'm in a huge Victorian house. A bunch of babies/small children like Mateo are there. I'm taking care of them (day care). They are helping Ginny and me to paint the house. (Interior) white paint is everywhere. It's sticky, sloppy, etc. It looks pretty good though. Ginny says, \"Now it looks like French provincial, not that dark, brooding Victorian brown you had painted them before.\" I agree that it looks nice. The window frames are huge and spacious, mirrors are large and wall-sized. I look in a spacious room with a wall mirror and say, \"Look, this can be a dance room,\" and I practice a few ballet arm moves and watch my moves in the mirror." }, { "number": "1786", "head": "03/04/91", "content": "In the first dream, I think, or perhaps in the second dream, I saw lots of books. I asked the kids to help me move them to the shelves, huge wall shelves. As I look at them on the shelf, I see spices and cans of vegetables." }, { "number": "1787", "head": "03/04/91", "content": "I'm seated in a hospital bed and I'm explaining to Jock that lots of people think it's fun and comfortable, but I keep sliding down into an uncomfortable position. I tell Jock that his play is mentioned in the TV guide, but not mine." }, { "number": "1788", "head": "03/04/91", "content": "I have someone look at my wisteria bush. He confirms the branch is snapped and severed from the main bush." }, { "number": "1789", "head": "03/11/91", "content": "Our family is preparing to move to a new town and a new house. It was my idea and I'm excited. We are all walking to the car. I see a small kitty in the street. I try to pet it, but it's just out of reach. It's gray and cute. I finally touch it. As we go to the car, it runs under and I say to my brother Jake, \"Oh, get the kitty out of there before we go; I don't want us to run over it.\" Jake smirks and makes some sarcastic remark about squished kitty. I repeat my concern to my father. Everyone gets in, including some new boy (2 years old), like my nephew Rodney. I say, \"Uh oh, now is there room for me?\" Someone (Dwight) says, \"I'll put him on my lap.\" I'm the last one to get in because it's easier for me to get in the passenger seat. I get in and I realize I can't reach out and get the door to shut it. My father starts driving. I say, \"I can't get the door shut.\" My client Theresa crawls over everyone and me to come up front to help. My father's looking for a place to slow down. She reaches around to my right on the outside of the car where the gas tank cap is and I say, \"No, not there, on the door.\" She then reaches a gas tank-like cap she has out to fit it into the recessed hole that exactly matches the configuration of the cap and carefully moves it until it clinks in and then she pulls the door shut. Now we've arrived at the town. It's our new town that I've been so happy about and as we drive I realize I've made a mistake. I'm a teenager and all the stores have toys and amusements for children, which will be great for the kids, but I'll soon be bored and then there will be nothing for me. I see western town store fronts too. I start lamenting, \"Oh, no. There's no one here for me. This is awful.\" Now we're walking across a huge field toward our house and I'm saying over and over, \"I've made a terrible mistake. There will not be anyone for me here.\" My mother (young and helpful) shows me the two agate/stone teardrop shaped necklaces I've given her for good luck and says, \"See, I've still got these on.\" A huge community marching band is preparing to practice for a parade. There are hundreds of people, many teenagers. We accidentally walk through them. As I'm looking around, I am still lamenting, \"No one for me, a bad mistake.\" We are then surrounded by the marching/milling crowd. I see a woman in a wheelchair with huge back wheels, decorated. I'm annoyed with her. She nearly pushed me aside. I see young men pretending to be Indians on horseback. One has a flaming arrow, but the flame goes out too soon. My father points out a circle on a sign, like an Indian hoop, but it's an auto tire with tools glued to it to advertise a local car repair shop. We get through the people and now I see our new house. We go in. It's isolated and in the country. It's miles from town. The first room is a kitchen, and kind of messy. We're (my mother and I) looking out a window. I see nothing but grass (no crops). I then notice out the back window the shadowy shape of a big brown owl-like bird. \"Oh,\" I say, \"an owl.\" He flies around to the window we're at and lands right on the sill and we look at each other. He has ordinary bird eyes. Then he flies away. I go to the back window and look out. I see a creek. I say, \"Look! We have our own creek.\" I'm thinking it might be fun to swim and wade in the summer, but then I notice mosquitoes all over the surface and tadpoles in the water. It didn't look so inviting. The bank on the other side goes up steeply, and there is not much space to run and play. There are hardly any trees. Now my mother and I go to the next room. \"What's this?\" I ask. \"One of those 'dining room things.'\" I'm not impressed. We go into the next room. It's huge and spacious. \"It's another kitchen,\" I say amazed, \"and look at the beautiful fireplace.\" It's a brick country style fireplace. We go from room to room, amazed at how many there are and how nice and spacious and pretty they are. We are called to look at the \"play\" room. We go in. Some of the kids have the couch made out to a hideaway bed. I see a piano but it has some keys missing. Then my father says, \"Look at this!\" with excitement. I look. It's a player piano. I'm so happy, just like at Grandma Agnes'. He points to the music roll and I see very ornate notation. The classics! Very unusual and complicated for a player piano. Then, I see there are two player pianos. I see another hideaway bed. It's not in very good shape. My father says, \"The kids have already decided this one's for guests we don't like.\" I laugh. I see a back staircase and a tiny bathroom. It only has a toilet. I then notice the stairs are all flat and down, but if you push a button they pop up into usable stairs. I think, \"That would be dangerous if someone at the top was coming down and someone didn't know it and pushed the button. They'd have quite a fall.\"" }, { "number": "1790", "head": "03/12/91", "content": "Some children are going to show me the \"life thing.\" They pull me into a room and are going to stand me up on a short platform but I want to be more important or higher, so I insist I stand on a dresser. I hold my arms up in the air and then notice a clingy sensation around the fingers of my left hand. I pull it down to look at it and am appalled. A thick spider's cocoon is wrapped around them and spider eggs are in there and hatching! I squirm to get it off me, and then I see there are snakes wrapped around me and termites or maggot insects on me. It is all nightmarish and scary and disgusting. I wish I'd never been so arrogant as to want to be higher. The children knew this and see I've learned my lesson and help pull off the snake. there is a strong sense of life among the decay - the seamy side of life." }, { "number": "1791", "head": "03/12/91", "content": "Mark G and I are attracted to each other. He's very sensual and sexy. We are crawling along a path of small gem stones, some made into rope necklaces. Mark is afraid because his father is coming near and maybe Mark won't do things right. I am not as afraid of him and talk to him. I pick up a rope necklace of stones and he shows me ones with flaws in them." }, { "number": "1792", "head": "03/12/91", "content": "Mark and I have been enjoying a long night of sensual touching and are about to make love. My mother comes up from behind the couch and has a disapproving look on her face. It's nearly 5 am and I should not do this. I should go to bed and get some sleep. I am annoyed with her and I get up and walk her to her bedroom. I am very firm and say, \"Look, you go to sleep and leave us alone! Don't come in there because we are going to make love, so if you don't want to be embarrassed, don't come in.\" I leave her and return to Mark." }, { "number": "1793", "head": "03/12/91", "content": "I have inherited a huge, expansive house and extensive grounds. I am walking around and looking at what I now have. I see lots of places where some flowering bushes and benches and tables would make a lovely park or picnic area. I see several \"out\" buildings I think about tearing down. One is a tiny cafe/bar. It has three round tables, and an uphill slanted dance floor. There is an old organ you put tape cassettes into and a short dusty bar. I ask someone if I should tear it down. They'd like me to keep it and fix it up. I think maybe I will and tear down another building in worse shape. I go to the organ and pull out a few stops. It sighs a few notes. I find a drawer with tapes in them. I pull one out. It says, \"Barb Sanders,\" and a form of Darryl is there. There are other names too. I put it in. It plays organ music and in the background our voices are talking from long ago. I can't make out what we're saying and lose interest. I open another drawer and see children's and babies clothing. I hold up a doll's head that has red hair, curly. I show it to Sonja and say she can keep it to use when she's explaining to people how she doesn't like to explain about her red hair all the time. I give it to her and for a moment, I think it looks like a shrunken head. Ugh. I pull out a huge yellow outdoor suit with feet in it and show it to Sonja. She says, \"That would fit the disabled boy next door.\" She's been trying to encourage him to come out and play. I say, \"Maybe you scare him because you're so forceful and intense about it.\" Then, I say, \"Maybe somebody would be having babies and would want these clothes.\" I say, \"Maybe high school friends Dora and Duane.\" Abner smiles and sits on the couch. Sonja says, \"Not Dora. Duane's too old.\" I then remember she had a hysterectomy and think, \"Well, maybe not then.\" I wave goodbye to Abner and Sonja. I'm going home to take care of business and then I'll return to continue exploring the house. I'm glad its near T City so I can see them more often. I get in a car and drive down the road which forks off to the right." }, { "number": "1794", "head": "03/16/91", "content": "A strong, powerful man and woman want me to fly with them. I want to fly with Abner. I feel overwhelmed by them and I pretend that I agree with them. We are ready to fly now and I've been very passive, but suddenly I switch and move over to Abner. This angers the other two. They chase me. Abner and I flee, flying. We know we're not as fast or as strong, so we hide and become invisible. We fly into an upstairs attic window (like a hay loft opening) and hide there. Our strategy is to count on their strength and speed to move them beyond us as we hide." }, { "number": "1795", "head": "03/16/91", "content": "I am lying down with Archie and we are going to make love. He has a huge penis. We lie down genital to genital (see drawing) and I rub his penis with my hands to give him pleasure. I feel the wet fluid. I rub him against my vagina and then we roll over to make love. I like it." }, { "number": "1796", "head": "03/16/91", "content": "A young man and woman moved to a new island to live. I am amazed to see the mangrove tree which grows straight out of the rocks and water. The shape of the tree is unusual. It has a thick trunk, round, a circle at the top of the short trunk and two branches, one to the right, one to the left (see drawing). A snake is curled around the right branch. This is a nurturing tree for animals. The young woman has two babies in one year. They move back to the mainland." }, { "number": "1797", "head": "03/16/91", "content": "Lucy is very upset and runs away crying. I want to help and the only thing I can think of to help is to get up and run after her, knowing it will be very painful and I'm not as fast and I'll go past my endurance very quickly. So I run after her. I reach the point where it's so painful I can't run any more and I stand, unable to move much. Lucy is now in an old rickety manual wheelchair (like my old one from Grandma Mildred). She sees my pain and comes back and let's me sit in the chair. She pushes me and we turn a corner and I yell, \"You're going too far to the left. You're on gravel and missed the sidewalk.\" She's annoyed that I don't trust her driving. I said, \"But Lucy, you're blind!\" We're back on the sidewalk. I see a small thrift shop sidewalk sale. We stop and look. I hold up sweaters, lacy and soft and pretty, blue and white, dresses and so on. Lucy is looking at a baby bath thing. It has ice cubes under the top. Then she's bathing a baby. Some women are getting impatient, waiting for us to move." }, { "number": "1798", "head": "03/18/91", "content": "I am told that my sister Lydia died. I am shocked and sad. I'm sort of in shock and it takes awhile for the full feelings of sorrow to sink in. Some part of me seems removed, distant, almost objectively curious. I suddenly remember to ask my mother how she died. My mother said the four of them went to dinner at the Bates Restaurant. They all ate the same food and they all got sick, but Lydia must have eaten the worst, most poisoned part, and she died. They all threw up and had slimy, sticky diarrhea, but Lydia died from it. I shake my head in sorrow. She was so young and good and had so much to live for. Then I amend that part, living with Darryl, how could she look forward to living more? Cousin Patricia comes by to give me some photos she had of Lydia. It's tradition, when someone dies, people give back their photos to the loved one. I remember returning Terence's pictures to her. [BL]" }, { "number": "1799", "head": "03/20/91", "content": "A man (combo of Arthur and Mark)." }, { "number": "1800", "head": "03/24/91", "content": "I am going to meet Josh for a date. I'm late and can't find the place we agreed to meet. I turn right down a sandy, bumpy trail/driveway and park. I get out. No Josh. I notice I'm a half hour late; it's 7:00 pm. I wonder with some sense of foreboding if this means I'll have to kiss Josh (because we're having a date). I walk up a few wooden steps to a wooden landing and open a door. I see a bed with three cats on it. Then I see Josh, who is upset and out of breath. He pops into the room from another doorway from a hall at the head of a stairway (see drawing). He's wearing a hobo costume, wig, baggy pants like a clown. He says, \"I had a hard time getting here. I had to take the express west. I've set up another time. See ya.\" He starts to leave. I am annoyed and confused. \"Wait, I say, can I drive you home?\" \"Oh,\" he says, distractedly, or I say, \"Is it hard to find?\" He points, vaguely to the right; he has his back to me and says, \"It's Hillyard West\" (that is pretty far). I say, \"Ok, OK,\" he starts to leave. I am upset that he'd leave after all the trouble I went to and won't talk about why he's left it up in the air about when we meet again. I'm kind of relieved, feeling like for some reason we won't see each other again and also mad because I'm feeling dumped and rejected, feeling some shame. Maybe if I'd been on time, he wouldn't be so upset with me. I want to say, \"Let's talk this over. I'm feeling upset,\" but I don't say anything and shrug. He hurries down the stairs and away." }, { "number": "1801", "head": "03/24/91", "content": "Merle and I are in a gym kind of room. We're trying on other people's impediments. Merle has arm braces on and then a furry fake animal fur arm covering. I am to wear the furry covering on my arms. I have a hard time putting them on. They are long and floppy and I can't do much with them on. I think it would have been better if I'd put the metal braces on." }, { "number": "1802", "head": "03/24/91", "content": "I am sleeping on a couch thing only I'm sort of outdoors in the city. I hear sirens and wake up. Some people say there'd been a terrible fire. A whole building burned. I asked them if they had been the insurance company and would have to pay. They say no. I am glad for them. I get up and look down the hill to the city to see where the damage occurred. I hope to see a big empty place where people can build, or just space, because the city is so crowded, but no, still a mass of buildings. Then I notice it's time for breakfast. Someone brings me mine, a bowl of eggs and milk and a live, little furry animal, cute, fat and cuddly. I call it an anteater because it has a skinny, long nose. I'm supposed to kill it and eat it for breakfast. I look at it and pet it. It's so sweet and cute, I feel sick to my stomach! I can't bear the idea of killing it, but I'm hungry. I make several weak attempts, but I just can't. A man (Tom Selleck/Alfonso) comes in and he kills it for me and plops it whole into my bowl of milk, and as he talks to me, I eat. In one spoonful, I see three pads of its little feet. I am queasy and think, \"My God, he wasn't gutted or anything.\" I stop eating. I can't! The man talks enthusiastically about some neat group of people who are really good about understanding peace. I say/bragging, \"Hey I know them. They sell things at booths and I often join them.\" I show a menu thing, \"Holly for Peace\" and things like that they sell. The man is impressed and grabs me for a long kiss. It is supposed to be pleasant, but it's kind of lifeless and boring and I try to make it more pleasant. No dice." }, { "number": "1803", "head": "03/28/91", "content": "Bonnie and Mateo come to visit me. My kitchen is a total mess from some big gathering I had. Bonnie's a little upset because I didn't invite her. She, Mateo, and I are washing dishes and putting things away. I open a cupboard and see it is already full of glasses. I look over at Bonnie and then I start to move things to make more room. I see a sugar bowl and a bottle of syrup that are a bright blue. I make more room. Bonnie says, \"I suppose it's time to buy you some more greens.\" I say, \"No, I've got plenty of canned green beans, peas and corn.\" She had meant salad greens. I agree I should eat more of them. Mateo wants to go home. He's tired and annoyed. There's just a small amount left, a big roast pan and lots of catsup bottles on the table. I look out a window and see a bright red fake fur pony and a small devil. I am struck with how total and bright the color red is. The TV camera goes in for a close-up to the devil's teeth. I think, \"How amazing, he has my father's teeth!\" They are slightly crooked in (the opposite of mine). I am drawn to these teeth. I think they are very handsome ones. The camera pulls out and now he's a very good-looking man on the soap opera General Hospital, and they do extreme close-ups of him because he's so compellingly handsome with those movie star teeth. They don't do such extreme close-ups to the other men; they aren't as attractive or seductive looking. Now the camera crew is calling different operating rooms to get their reaction to the show. So we're looking into an operating room. I see the patient and the nurses who answer the questions about the soap opera as they work. I think, \"It's a lucky thing the patient didn't have complications while the show was on! The nurses wouldn't have noticed and the patient could have died!\" The nurses only had favorable remarks about the new style of extreme close-ups with this one man. Now I'm a patient and am feeling the drowsy narcotic effects of post-op thinking, \"I feel good now, but later this will hurt and be fearful and yucky. So for now, just enjoy the good feeling of stupor and well being.\" Bonnie comes by to see how I'm doing. (After I wake up, I think the phrase, \"I walk on my dreams.\")" }, { "number": "1804", "head": "03/30/91", "content": "I am going down a dream space hall or road. I know I am dreaming. I watch shapes form, and with delight I try to identify them and try to think what it means. I see a mish mash of black lines turn into a turtle." }, { "number": "1805", "head": "03/30/91", "content": "I'm in a room with Ellie, Dovre and Dovre's boyfriend \"Dwight\" who I call Stanley. It's getting on dinner time and I'm hungry. I want Ellie to fix dinner for us, but she won't. I feel anger at her stubborn selfishness. Now, I feel a little trapped because I want to order Kentucky Fried Chicken, but I don't want to have the expense of buying for all of us. I think maybe I'll only buy a three-piece meal and share it. I am aware vaguely that I'm being mean-spirited and ungenerous, but I resent having to pay so much, especially since it would have been so much cheaper to have Ellie cook up something. I would have done it myself except for my arthritis, so I feel trapped by my disability as well as my ineffective mothering skills with Ellie or my powerlessness to get her to behave. I see Richard Dreyfuss up in a loft area and think, \"So, the movie has started. They skipped the first part...good.\" Dovre tells me she and the neighbor woman spent all last night \"cross-dressing.\" She thought it was kind of kinky and weird, but was bored and so she went along with it. She's not too thrilled. She's still bored. Now we go next door. The neighbors are having a party. Dovre's ex-boyfriend shows up (still Dwight) and wants to see her. Dovre and I are surprised to see him. She's curious what he wants to say, but she doesn't want to talk to him. The neighbor woman says she'll talk to him and they go outside (we're in a kind of guest house, recreation room that hasn't really got walls, just the framing studs are up). I watch the woman and Dwight and wish I could listen in on their conversation, so a woman creeps up with a camera and mike and pretends to read a book lying down on her belly. The book is covering the mike. I'm bored with the current group of guests; they're all vacuous and ditsy. I see a pile of boxes and remember I had stored some of Dovre's and my things there. I start looking through the boxes. I find audio tapes of the Star Spangled Wash Board band's last concert and I remember I was bored with it because they did only their old material. There was no new stuff. I see video tapes of Harry Meets Sally (staring Richard Dreyfuss). I hear Claude talking in a bored way and remember he was married at last year's party and this year he's not terribly interested in me. I find photos I had taken of the wedding, or rather the reception after. I took a portrait shot of each guest. I want to keep those because I notice some of the poses are interesting; they were better than I'd remembered them (in terms of \"arty\" photography). I see a letter to Dovre from one of her girlfriends. It's a love letter and shows a drawing of a naked woman lying seductively on her side. Only her back shows. The letter says, \"Could you consider loving me this way?\" I think, \"Huh, Dovre had a lesbian pass made at her too.\" I tell Dovre she'd better get her stuff as I'm taking mine. She shrugs and says, \"I don't want it.\" I say, \"Well then, throw it away.\" She says, \"No, I want to keep it. Let it stay here.\" I say, \"That's rude. They need their space, it will make a nice addition to their room. We need to find our own place to store it.\" She's not too happy, but agrees. I point to the letter and she says she's not interested in it and goes on." }, { "number": "1806", "head": "03/31/91", "content": "Sherry Lady and I are doing gentle aerobic exercises. I decide I want to do an obstacle course run. I start running across a field. Sometimes I slow to a walk. I get across it diagonally and turn left to climb fast up a steep hill, with stone stairs. Jock had seen me running and decides he'd better get ahead of me and pace me, so he does. We scramble up the hill stairs and then turn left to go across a dirt and dead logged area with a very dangerous steep downhill side. He stomps his boots into the dirt for better traction. It looks pretty scary and I almost decide the risk of sliding down hill is too great, but I decide to go for it. I walk carefully but lightly over the dirt ridge area. I do so safely. Next is a straight up \"chimney\" like structure with ropes hanging down. Jock goes up hand over hand shouting and grunting and swearing. I follow him up, going hand over hand fairly easily." }, { "number": "1807", "head": "03/31/91", "content": "I'm at an office. Marv C and I are very attracted to each other, sexually. He moves toward me, trying to get me to kiss him. I want to, but he's married and so I choose not to get involved with him. He keeps following me and cuddling up. I'd be tempted but then I'd see his wife or think she's there. He kisses me sweetly with great sexual need and I feel a powerful surge of desire and I can't fight it any more, so I respond and we make love. It's wonderful." }, { "number": "1808", "head": "03/31/91", "content": "There is this black man in the jungle and I am sort of him. He's a lucky man. Nobody has much of anything, but he's managed to charm a wild horse into being his so he can ride. He lies sleeping on the ground one night and a huge snake comes up and stares at him. The man/me wakes up and feels fear and then a resignation. This is a big, powerful snake and it already has the drop on him. There is no way can he fight or run, so he smiles at the snake and waits for his death. The snake is pleased with his bravery and befriends him. So wherever the man goes, so goes the snake. People can hear it slithering through the grasses as the man rides his horse. Now the man, horse and snake cross a river to visit a hut there; a beautiful young woman lives there. They chat and then the man rides away to visit a white friend who does research. Now I leave the man, horse and snake outside the wooden house and walk in to visit. This white man is also very lucky. Most people don't even have a house. He's got a bedroom, a refrigerator and he opens it up to show me he even has lots of packages of frozen pineapples, a rare and healthy treat. I now go out to find the man, horse and snake but they've gone off on some excursion. I hope they come back." }, { "number": "1809", "head": "04/02/91", "content": "I see photos of returning airplanes from the war zone. The photos were taken from \"my office,\" meaning news bureau." }, { "number": "1810", "head": "04/02/91", "content": "A young man is a good wrestler but he didn't register on time so he can't officially wrestle. He wrestles because he's good and enjoys doing it. He's so good that his opponent takes a long time even being able to move from the start position. Later he and a midget wrestle as a demonstration. Everyone is impressed." }, { "number": "1811", "head": "04/03/91", "content": "Blake and I are in a counseling session. He's invited me there because he's trying to work through all his issues and I was once important in his life. The counselor asks questions and then the door opens and in walks his family, mom, sisters, cousins and so on. It's a family counseling session. I have a conversation with his mom. She says, \"I'm his mom,\" and then she tells me she makes all her xmas presents. I say, \"What a coincidence, so did I, knitting and crocheting.\"" }, { "number": "1812", "head": "04/04/91", "content": "I'm in bed with Howard again. I am surprised and can't remember how we've managed to stay married and sleeping together for so many years without sex. Seems a shame, but I still can't stomach the thought of sex with Howard." }, { "number": "1813", "head": "04/04/91", "content": "Dovre tries to suck my breast, which is fully covered with bra and blouse. I put my hand between her mouth and my breast. I think, \"She's too old to nurse.\" She's maybe 4 or 5 years old." }, { "number": "1814", "head": "04/05/91", "content": "I have some land and I want a fence to mark a small portion of it off to garden since I'm going to have to rely on myself. I might as well use the land to feed myself. I ask this man how much he'd charge to do a wire and wood post fence. He says 25 dollars. I say OK. Now I'm walking past my neighbor, and see them cutting down a tree and see they are pruning branches that sprout from a large trunk stump. I think it will be nice when I have trees growing on my land. It's so new still. Then I see the fences are up and I am not pleased. He's used tall burnt trees or poles and strung wire on them way too tall and the burnt wood is fragile. And I only wanted the one fence, not two lines of them. I complain to him and he agrees to cut them into shorter fences so they are more usable for me. Now I am in the house. There is no furniture. I see one skinny old kitchen table, formica top thing, and try to position it so the built-in bench is best utilized. After trying different ways, I am satisfied and say, \"See, now I can seat four at this dining arrangement!!\" I laugh at my own silliness of calling such a simple thing a \"dining arrangement.\" Then I see a bigger, better table in the next room and walk in and feel the places on the wall and say, \"The refrigerator will go here, and the stove here and the sink here.\" Then I realize my husband is coming to the house. I've never met him before (sort of a mail order thing). I sit in an alcove at a big wooden table with other people. He comes in and I am disappointed. He's heavyset, older and stern-looking. He looks at us all and wonders which one is his wife. He chooses the young girl in a high chair and I laugh and say, \"No, it's me.\"" }, { "number": "1815", "head": "04/05/91", "content": "Sort of that same house, only back further to the living area and bedrooms. Relatives are arriving. Aunt Naomi is there. A naked man is standing in the hall about to go into his bedroom. He's chatting with some other men and all I see is his back. I notice it looks very nice, broad shoulders, firm butt and then I say, \"Hey, you can't expect to just say hello to my Aunt like that.\" Aunt Naomi gets embarrassed and turns into another bedroom (my father or Dwight) to avoid staring at him. I go into the next room and see several couch beds. Grandma Mildred and a female cousin are seated and they look exhausted, staring, tired eyes. I say, \"You look so tired! Lie down and rest.\" My cousin is eating dip from a steaming hot bowl. It burns her mouth, but she keeps trying. Behind her, cuddled up in blankets, is my father sort of laughing at my cousin." }, { "number": "1816", "head": "04/07/91", "content": "I am swimming in a large swimming pool made of rocks cemented together, volcanic rock. It's crowded, lots of people, older women in pink suits, etc. I swim slowly and carefully, staying in the medium deep place where it's not over my head. I am aware of how out of shape I am! I slowly stretch and exercise my muscles. It feels good. When I hang on to the rocks on the side, some of them break off in my hand. They are kind of crumbly and \"incompetent.\" I try to put them back. [BL]" }, { "number": "1817", "head": "04/07/91", "content": "Bonnie wants information on where to get newborn sizes of sleepers. I have notes that Bill from Total Mo made and I show her the number of the page. She writes it down incorrectly and I get annoyed and say, \"It'd go faster if I wrote it; here let me.\" (I feel like I have to pee and I'm in a hurry.) She's slow and continues writing. I point out the columns for sizes and type. Then I excuse myself to go pee. I step out on a balcony and sit on a rock edge and pee. I see it coming out from under my skirt and foaming out on the floor. I think to myself, \"It is amazing. I'll just pee anywhere,\" and I wonder if I'll have to clean it up, or if someone will notice, or if my skirt will stink." }, { "number": "1818", "head": "04/07/91", "content": "My \"daughter\" is helping me put finger nail polish remover on my nails and some spots on my fingers too. It's thick and gooey and it sits for a few seconds and then it's all gone, polish and all. We put some on a paper to remove a few messy spots. It doesn't work as well. Then she reaches into my blouse from the back of my neck and says, \"Found these,\" and hands me two ornate bracelets. There are some red hearts on one, same color as nail polish. I say, \"How could I have two bracelets hooked to my bra strap and not know it?\" She shrugs and skips away. I am angry at her for using me and lying like that. She must have taken the bracelets and pretended to \"find them\" in my bra strap. Boy, am I going to scold her when I catch up to her." }, { "number": "1819", "head": "04/08/91", "content": "Valerie is very angry at my mother. She's following her around yelling at her for being a bad mom. There is a small baby. She's crying, so I pick her up. I go into a living room and lie on a couch with the baby girl on top of me. The girl cries \"Why is she so mean? Why doesn't she love me?\" \"She loves you, she just doesn't know how to take care of you and show her love.\" (I think of Ellie and I think of me.) Then I'm coming home from an all-day festival or fair. I'd stayed until the last act was almost through and now hurried home to pack. I knew Lucy and Mary would be upset for me not coming to pack up until the last minute and I walk in saying, \"I've got it under control. You won't have to help.\" I go to each room grabbing up sacks and boxes of my things. In the bedroom, Charla is there too! Lucy comes in from taking care of Clarisa and rolls up my sleeping bag for me. I ask Charla if she could help me carry some things and she says no. I feel angry and powerless but choose to not respond that way. I cheerfully say, \"OK,\" and I pick it all up myself, trying to make a game of it, to entice Charla to help." }, { "number": "1820", "head": "04/09/91", "content": "I am directing an open air play/movie. It's a rocky terrain and yet it's in a building. There is a high wall with very high windows like in a gym. Bright sun is beaming through the windows and I ask someone to go block it. Someone puts an Indian blanket over the window, but it doesn't help. Someone says the kleig lights were left on. I stop the actors and say, \"Let's take a look at the rooms and layout so we know where to move.\" I draw a square on a blackboard and label one the living room. Then I say you know, like the \"salon.\" Then I'm watching the actors and I stop them and say, \"You don't have to shout. Here, let me show you.\" I run over and do Mark's lines as he watches. I walk up a few rocky steps toward the female actor and say softly, \"Let me press your hand one more time.\" Then I change the line to, \"Let me take your hand one more time.\" Then I run back to the camera and look through it to see how it all looks. I notice some Indians sliding down the hill on tires and I am annoyed. It's right in our playing area." }, { "number": "1821", "head": "04/10/91", "content": "I choose to wear a lovely dark blue and white polka dot dress and matching hat. It's a bit transparent. I wear a slip under it and look very pretty and sexy. I go into a room and a man, slightly overweight, husky build, is very attracted to me. (He's Katrina's brother.) I am shy. He gently pursues me. I am interested, but things keep interrupting. Paulina is there and I try to turn up the thermostat in the room. He tenderly follows me, waiting. I say, \"I'm not ignoring you really.\" Then we are going to kiss and Paulina walks through and wants to know if I'm leaving with her at 4:30 am. I say, \"No, go on ahead, I'll leave later.\" Then I get honest and say, \"And maybe I won't go.\" She catches on, smiles and leaves. We go into a bedroom to kiss and make love. Now the scene changes and I have quite an obstacle course to go through. I must hop from one cement post to another with huge alligators leaping and snapping at my heels (spelled it \"heals\"). Then I move hand to hand across the wall full of drawers by the handles. Some are open and I peek in, nothing too interesting, some smelly gym clothes. Then we get to a room and scary people are in the closets and so on and if only he and I ignore all this and love each other anyway, then it will all go away." }, { "number": "1822", "head": "04/11/91", "content": "Abner has come back for a visit and we hug joyfully. I really missed him. Then I have to go to school. I push the bed I am riding on up a very steep hill and make it over the top. I wasn't sure I could." }, { "number": "1823", "head": "04/11/91", "content": "I am walking down a coast highway in the dark. A woman dressed in the 1950's bouffant hairdo, petticoats and white heels is walking right in the road. We call to her, \"Oh. Miss, excuse me, Miss!\" She does not respond. Then she's in her car but there's no lights on. We call again. Then she gets out and lets the car go on without her. We hear it crashing. Is she crazy? I run into the dark and then someone turns on flashlights so I can see. I catch up with her. I realize she's deaf and I try to speak in sign language but I don't know enough. She's very upset and I realize she's doing all this in a panicked attempt to get to the hospital before 5:30 because if her friend isn't removed before 5:30 it will cost $232 or $238 more for an extra day and they can't afford that! I reassure her the checkout time is midnight. She is relieved." }, { "number": "1824", "head": "04/11/91", "content": "Now I'm visiting Ginny and Ernie. But Ginny is very busy. She has lots of things to do, so I just hang out with her, kind of disappointed that we can't kick back and relax. Ginny has diarrhea and Ernie has a hurt back (bad back or shoulder). He talks about therapy he has to do. We decide to go out to eat. We drive. I'm in passenger seat looking for a restaurant. He finds a very fancy one, a \"Shakespeare\" restaurant, but we all agree we couldn't afford it. I ask, \"What's the next town?\" I see indentations in the sand and then I remember it's snow. It's a photo I took, round eye holes in footprint-like shapes (see drawing)." }, { "number": "1825", "head": "04/13/91", "content": "I had recently moved into this house and now I'm getting divorced and moving out again. I open drawers and pull out posters and papers. A poster I made has a face I drew of an old bearded man, Freud. \"Reviving Freud,\" it said. I see notes from college classes in PE, Health and Anatomy. I almost decide to keep them but decide not to. I'll never look at them again. I see some Library of Congress tapes in a closet. A woman friend says, \"I've already read them, or I'd take them back for you.\" I'm a little annoyed with her. A true friend would do me the favor even if it didn't give her something at the same time. I start to roller skate through the empty rooms. I go toward the back of the house and into the kitchen. I look out a window and see a small, black, old sports car, the new tenant's car. Then I feel uneasy and realize I should go look in the closet. The \"answers\" may be there, long ago forgotten. I hesitate and fearfully go open a closet door in the bedroom. I look and see a telephone, an old-fashioned wooden wall phone. Then I open my eyes wider and it changes to a sideways view of my night table, like I'd really forced my eyes open as I slept." }, { "number": "1826", "head": "04/13/91", "content": "A man is showing me how to do something on a computer. My head is against his chest and we stay there hugging gently, except we are both pretending we aren't really hugging, we are simply working on the computer. I feel sad. Then we break apart and I say, \"Hug me\" Now he's older and overweight. He says, \"Hug her\" and points to Katrina. I say, \"No problem, she's a friend.\" I hug her and say, \"But it's not the same.\" He sighs and says, \"I suppose we'll have to go to bed then.\" I feel sad and disappointed. All I wanted was a hug." }, { "number": "1827", "head": "04/14/91", "content": "I am at home trying to get everything straightened out. I'm moving the furniture so there's more room and its not so crowded. Someone comes to the door. I suddenly realized I'd forgotten rehearsal and the four cast members are at the door. I apologize and ask them in. We'll do a read through here at home. I see a small square card table but it has no legs. I see a round dining table and we go there." }, { "number": "1828", "head": "04/14/91", "content": "I'm at auditions. I chose my cast, four of them. Howie is glad I've chosen him and assures me that he was thrown out of the other production through no fault of his own. I don't believe him and feel uneasy that I've chosen him. He said the other teacher was Dan S and Jim G. I feel relieved it was only music teachers. I talk with Jock about who I've chosen. He openly grins at me at mention of Howie. \"That nut! He's no good,\" he says. I feel embarrassed and then resolutely stand my ground. \"I chose him,\" I say. \"Huh,\" Jock responds." }, { "number": "1829", "head": "04/14/91", "content": "Now I'm trying to clean up the living room. A man says, \"It's alright, I can handle it, but no, I wouldn't be honest unless I tell you it really does bother me. I don't like mess.\" I feel angry and helpless because its not my fault I have arthritis and can't keep it up. I feel guilty because maybe I don't try hard enough. Its not a priority for me. I see a dulcimer hanging on the wall and pick up several other instruments and hang them up in a lovely arrangement. I ask Millie how it looks and she shrugs, unable to come to an opinion. I decide I want to counsel her and start talking and asking questions like I'm a detective. I get her to talk about her childhood. She describes how she was always reprimanded for making mistakes. No matter what she wanted to do or believed she could try, Grandma Mildred and others would say, \"Oh, you couldn't do that.\" Millie describes how her mother had a 7-year-old hooker (a 7-year-old boy that hooked rugs). They'd laugh and have fun and Millie felt left out and like the ugly duckling. Now my mother and Millie are at the sink cleaning up and talking. I'm to the right side listening in. I see a plate of pancakes in the sink and feel hungry for them. I see a piece of chocolate cake and chocolate frosting on the counter. Millie says, \"I remember her. She had an infection.\" My mother thinks and then says, \"Oh yes, I do remember now, a cyst.\" \"Yes, an infection on the cyst.\" I say, \"No wonder you don't think you can do anything!\" I move over between them but that has broken the flow of memories they had. I regret doing that. So I move back to my other place and think, \"Just be quiet and don't interrupt.\" Finally, Millie who has resisted this idea that she might be more capable than she thinks, gets what I'm getting at. She says, \"Once I wanted to be a beauty operator.\" She chuckles, \"Yeah, the stinky perms and even hand beauty scent.\" We smile. She moves my chair, telling me not to get up, she just has to get her apron on now. She pulls it out from under my chair. She puts it on saying, \"I just feel better when I wear it during my 'official duty time',\" said like \"Howdy Doody time.\" My mother laughs at her joke. I wonder how to get her to the next step, which is to let go of the old training and reframe the attitude and get on with it." }, { "number": "1830", "head": "04/14/91", "content": "A small baby is handed to me to breast feed. She's tired and listless and barely shows interest. I'm amazed that I have milk. She gets the taste and then sucks in the whole nipple and feeds. I feel glad, then I hand her back to the man who gave her to me. The baby is now a rambunctious little animal that frisks and is hard to hold on to." }, { "number": "1831", "head": "04/15/91", "content": "A young sexy woman (Carole Baker or Marilyn Monroe type) is walking down a city street. She sees lots of buildings, shoe stores, only shoe stores. She looks up one block to the left and sees a bookstore and walks toward it. Then she can't find it but sees very ornate and unusual buildings. This must be the old, historical section of the city. She sees several churches with round designs on them. The church bells ring and she sees a whole line of different sized bells across the street and watches them ring. A small one accidentally pops out of the line and over by her. She picks it up and wants to keep it for a souvenir. She knows she should return it. Then a policeman comes by and she gives her some American money in coins for a tip for being so good. She tries to refuse the tip. He leaves it for her. She also sees some foreign coins and wants to take them too. Some other woman takes them. Now she decides to go into the building across the street. She does. Now an older, sexy woman joins her. They are both the women of this old farmer guy. The younger one is upset and wants to kill herself. She holds a spoon/knife to her throat. The older woman doesn't want her to kill herself so she tries to trick her. She flips the circuit breaker so all the outside lights go out. The farmer and his pals are out there and will come in to investigate. Meanwhile, the older one holds her spoon/knife to her own throat and says, \"I know what you mean, let's do it together. I'll kill you and you'll kill me.\" She looks out the window and sees the guy sauntering in. He makes it there in time. Now a daughter of the farmer is there too. She's a quarter \"roon\" and lovely. The two other women go out to help her." }, { "number": "1832", "head": "04/15/91", "content": "I am in a building and go to the Performing Arts Dept. I ask a man if I could take a quick tour rather than pay to see the concert. He hesitates and asks, \"You mean like 20 minutes?\" and I say \"Yes.\" He points to a door at the left. There are four doors in a row. I stand there. He opens it and I am now standing at the top of a long stairway that goes down through the seats to an enormous area now being used as a skating rink. I think tiredly of all those stairs, but then to my surprise, its a moving escalator. We travel easily down and then around on the flat area too. I turn to the man and say, \"What a relief. I usually travel in a wheelchair.\" We go past the stages and I peek under the curtains. \"How nice,\" I say, \"People can come here to get autographs. Are there these belts on the stage?\" \"Oh yes,\" he says. I am pleased. Disabled performers can work here too." }, { "number": "1833", "head": "04/16/91", "content": "I'm at a convention for disabled people, a big crowd. I watch the entertainment. I look down at my legs and see large pink buttons had been sewn on to them. I am very surprised and asked Ellie when this happened. Surely I'd remember such a painful event. She and I discuss different times it could have happened. I see a rock group and go up to them. The lead singer/guitarist is a mean guy that wants me. I don't like him and walk away. He follows me, very demanding and pushy. Ellie likes him and I say, \"But you don't understand, he nearly raped me. He's horrible!\"" }, { "number": "1834", "head": "04/17/91", "content": "I see two special effects sailing vessels going out to sea and over the edge of the horizon. I think, \"How clever, they used silver metallic cowboy hats upside down.\" I then see a third vehicle, only it's a flying machine. I go over to see it. It's picking up passengers. It passes a group of hookers in red dresses like in an Old West saloon and picks up a group of modern ordinary people. I am one of them. I'm a young man. We board and sit. I have gathered quite a pile of maps, brochures, notes, and so on of my travels. The steward is an alien and not friendly at all. He calls each one of us one at a time up to the center lobby and tells us how much it costs per each piece of paper. It is very overpriced, deliberately so, so that we will be forced to part with all these things we dearly love. I am angry at the uncaring systematic way they do this. He hands me three or four small pieces of paper and says that's all I could really afford to take with me. I rebel and decide to take a heavy \"trip-tik\" like map. I figured I didn't have the money to pay for it, so they'd be shorted at the end of the trip and they deserved such treatment for being so arbitrary. I return to my seat. Now I am a young woman in love with a young man like Darryl. The crowd is urging us to make love. He doesn't quite know how and a woman says, \"You stick this in there,\" and I feel the penis glide in and gasp at the pleasure. I apologize, by look, to several other passengers who are seated nearby because they can see and hear us. They shrug. It can't be helped because lovemaking is natural, but the circumstances aren't. They patiently sit through it. It goes on for awhile because \"Darryl\" can't seem to figure it all out. Then the orgasm and everyone is relieved. Now the man I used to be hears a heart beat of his father who has died of heart failure. It's a bittersweet memory for him. Now the alien mean guy comes in to the man I was and says, \"You are a dream that deserves a chance to live.\" He meant the ship was going down because of some malfunction and we were all dreams but \"he\" was worthy of being ejected out of the dream vehicle and into life." }, { "number": "1835", "head": "04/18/91", "content": "I bring a man into my bedroom. We are talking. My father comes in and disapproves. He wants the young man out of there. I sit down with my father and gently yet firmly tell him that I will keep him there. We hadn't done anything and won't. It's my room and my life and I'll decide what's appropriate." }, { "number": "1836", "head": "04/18/91", "content": "I'm at Grandma Mildred's house. I'm in the living room and look through the doorway through the dining room to the kitchen. I see three huge and beautiful windows, dark wood frames, but the glass is dirty and streaked. Grandma hasn't cleaned for awhile. There are bird droppings, too." }, { "number": "1837", "head": "04/18/91", "content": "I'm with a man and a woman comes up and says, \"Wow! He's good looking.\" I hadn't noticed before. So the woman flirts with him and seduces him. There's a huge glass window and a rotating oval curtain. They are behind the curtain (see drawing) and so I follow to spy on them, but they decide to make love on the floor while hidden by the curtains and that upsets me and makes me mad. I stomp away and go to the car. He's written a note on the blackboard saying the keys are in the car, he'll join me later (he works for me). I'm pissed now and get into the low slung Jaguar sports car and throw it into low gear and rev up the motor and peel out. The motor whines and I shift gears, squealing tires as I pass a window. I know he'll hear my anger. I drive the freeway behind trucks and turn off a dirt road that ends up at a cottage that looks ordinary on the outside. I go in and see how lovely and luxurious it is on the inside - fireplaces, solitude and quiet. There is a picture window where I stare out on the crashing waves on the rocky cliff below. It seems the water's rising up, and I remind myself that it has never come to the house, even at the worst high tides. I then go to the kitchen to see if there's any food (the young man was supposed to have it ready for me). I open the freezer - two ice cubes. \"Empty!\" I say righteously. I open the refrigerator. There are a few jars of applesauce and some cheese. A woman says, \"Here, I found a specialty meat. You like those.\" So we won't starve, but I'm still mad at him. I go in and play the piano with my daughter and Charla. It's a silly child's tune and I make up words about how mad I am at this guy, and then he and Robert Redford come in the door." }, { "number": "1838", "head": "04/19/91", "content": "The phrase \"To do it gently, is brutal.\"" }, { "number": "1839", "head": "04/19/91", "content": "I am swimming, holding a baby girl. She and I are flying just above the water because we swim so effortlessly. I get cocky and we're flying/swimming over a huge expanse of water. Suddenly \"my little girl\" is there too and we start floundering. She goes under and I have a terrible dilemma. Do I let go of the one to save the other and endanger myself as well? I dive for her and find her. Now I'm working hard to keep all of us afloat. I see a huge rubber life raft and we get in it, only it must have a leak in it because it's very limp and water is getting in. We fold up the limp parts and I ask the girls to bail. We manage to stay afloat. We float over to an opening in the wall and I see monsters, three ugly things. They capture me and put me in a cage with it hanging over some boiling oil or black sewage gunk. If I don't choose one of these uglies to marry, they'll dump me in the gunk. I don't know which fate is worse. I decide to choose one of the uglies. [BL]" }, { "number": "1840", "head": "04/21/91", "content": "I was on the 14th floor of a building. There are dead bodies down the hall. Someone has killed them. I go toward that area to see what happened. The security guard suddenly gets up off the floor. He is the killer. I run away and he chases. I see an elevator and run down the hall for it, like in slow motion, trying as fast as I can. I barely make it and he nearly gets me as the door closes. I call 911 and yell \"Help, the ____________ building on se Cascade, the 14th floor.\"" }, { "number": "1841", "head": "04/21/91", "content": "There are long hallways and corridors that all keep going down. I don't want to go, but am drawn. I go down long stairs that curve, feeling scared. I enter a room that is luxurious, a waiting lobby before you enter the Prince's room. A woman is there and the Prince rejects her. I am hiding behind a curtain, watching, and he sees me and I come out. We talk. He seems to like me." }, { "number": "1842", "head": "04/21/91", "content": "I go to the house in T City. A man and woman, married, are there and very upset with each other. She cries and is despondent. She wants to leave him. I counsel her to stay. It will blow over. I get in the car and drive away, only the ocean is across the road and high waves are coming. I throw the car in reverse and back up quickly, back to the house. I go in to discover the two have killed each other, a murder/suicide thing. I am guilty, sad and upset. A small little girl cries. We have to stay the night because the road is blocked by the water. The girl is afraid to stay, but I console her, saying it will give us time to get used to it and forgive and learn to not be afraid of it. The next morning the man's spirit appears and forgives us. We go in peace." }, { "number": "1843", "head": "04/22/91", "content": "I'm at school, in a class, and I'm sort of the star pupil, like in Jeb's class. I talk a lot and then wonder if people are pleased with me or if they get bored hearing me so much and tune me out. The class is over and we get up to go to the next event. Someone comes up and says they enjoyed what I had to say. We then go to the restroom where I go into a stall that doesn't even have a toilet. The next stall has a toilet where someone peed on the floor a little. I pee a lot, reminding myself that it's OK, this isn't a dream. I then have to leave to go to the auditorium. My girlfriends and I go in and I say, \"I want to sit in the back even if I can't see or hear things as well, just in case I have to leave to go to the bathroom.\" I then see Darryl. There is one seat next to him and two seats in front of him and I say, \"Let's sit there. Come on.\" I rush and sit next to him. He and his friends quickly move over three or four seats like I had leprosy or something. I am hurt and so I decide not to show that I know him. Another girl sits in the seat next to me and I say, \"These two seats are saved for my friends.\" The girl moves but she's catty and uppity first. I sit watching the show on stage pretending I don't know Darryl. At the end, I get up to walk away. He comes up to me and says, \"Hi,\" and smiles, hugging me. I melt into his arms, forgetting all my anger. We walk out, still in an embrace, me facing him, standing on his feet, feeling happy to be with him." }, { "number": "1844", "head": "04/22/91", "content": "Now I'm at school and a juvenile delinquent boy is harassing me and my girlfriends. I say, \"Just ignore him!\" I hope he doesn't get us in trouble. He's talking about us going off together for a trip, him because he's in trouble with the law and has to skip, me as a cover or hostage, only he also likes me. I simply refuse. I get my books and hope to escape from him, but he follows. Now I'm in my home and walking down the hall to the back porch. I'm worried there are police out there and he'll get hurt, but also leading him out there so he'll get captured and leave me alone. I get there and the police are lined up in the bushes. They question me and my girlfriends. Did I know him? Did I talk to him today? Where is he? The girls lie, I hesitate, put on the spot between protecting and honesty. I choose to give true info but in a way that doesn't hurt him. Then he just steps out there on the porch and talks to me about leaving now. (He's somehow making it clear to the police I'm not a willing party to this.) He then says, \"I'm just going to leave now,\" and steps off the porch and goes around the police and off down the road. I wait, worried. I know they'll kill him. Then we all hear a barrage of gun fire and then silence. I know he's dead and I start to wail my grief. My father comes up and tells me to go inside and I cry out, \"It's your fault. I hold you to blame.\" Then someone yells, \"Fire, the house is on fire.\" I see flames and I run into the house to get my things that he gave me to remember him by, even though the smoke chokes me. I get everything, a diary, a purse, some books, and then I run out to safety." }, { "number": "1845", "head": "04/23/91", "content": "I am with the three girls. I can see they are unhappy. I decide to take matters into my own hands and tell them they will be happier if they would seek counseling and get to work on their co-dependency issues. Dovre in particular is not thrilled. \"Coda,\" she says in disgust. She has a young man with her and the three of us are waiting for our rental car. I see a man get in a car and I am upset. He's taking our car. I run over and we get in the backseat. \"This is my car,\" I say. He disagrees, but finally gives up because I'm so adamant. I quickly get into the driver's seat and then I look around more closely. This car is very tacky, old and in ill repair. He was right. It wasn't mine at all. (He reminds me of Jared and the car of our red \"scat wagon.\") We get out and go to the rental shop. I ask for the manager because the clerk is no help. He says, \"Sam's at the pool table.\" I say, \"Which one is he?\" The clerk says, \"He's a she and she's the one wearing overalls.\" I go in and see all women around the pool table. I ask one if she is Sam. She says yes. I explain that I'm waiting for my rental car; it's late. She's uppity and of no help. She smirks. I somehow realize its a scam. I can't go to the police because she's paid them off. She gets a kickback from the insurance company. I decide to sneak into the back of the shop and steal it. Since its contracted to me, they can't do anything about it. I do so and now the driver is some alien male and I keep making him make love to me to wear him out, which will prove he's an alien." }, { "number": "1846", "head": "04/23/91", "content": "I'm at my Aunt Millie's. I look in a mirror and see a Bugs Bunny figure reflected from the other room behind me. I tell Millie, but she's not impressed. I look again and the figure has changed into a cute angel named Millie. She flies into the room I'm in and we smile at each other. She has a short dark pageboy hairdo and a cute round face. She's going to fly through the wall, but gets stuck because of some cellophane ribbon material, part metallic, that I had hung on the wall. She pops back into the room and I point out a bare space on the wall. I pull out a small, thin nail that might impede her travels. She tries again and gets through. Aunt Millie's husband is out back gathering up stuff. I'm supposed to dive into a swim pool and get the orange juice container. I hesitate and then dive. As I'm underwater, an invisible snake-like creature called a Heffalump curls around me and assists. It scares me and I'm told it's there to help me, learn to trust it. I tell it telepathically what objects I need, then I dive in and she gently creates a place for me to rest like a leaf to sit on and then she efficiently gets my objects for me. I am pleased with her and admire her powers and gracefulness. She is gentle." }, { "number": "1847", "head": "04/25/91", "content": "I'm outdoors and I see this guy and we get to talking and flirting. I kind of like him and as we are chatting, I lie down on a picnic table like thing and we're hugging and talking and then I feel the top of his penis inside and I'm surprised. I pull away and he is disappointed; it took him some work to get that far out there in public, all of us fully dressed. I apologize and we decide to go on upstairs to my room. I had thought we were going to go downtown and have fun, but I shrug. After all, it's pretty obvious he wants sex and it could be fun and we can go out together later. So I agree and we go upstairs. I think, \"This is kind of neat because this guy is Peter Sellers and now that we're being intimate and having fun, he'll be interested in a playscript I'll write especially for him and then I'll become rich and famous, just like a dream coming true.\" Now we're in a room and both are naked. He's lying in bed under the sheets and he looks different. He has long curly hair like Arlo Guthrie. I'm standing up, pacing at the foot of the bed, on the bed. Before we got to the room, I remember thinking, \"I'm glad he's overweight because then he won't be turned off by my droopy 47-year-old body.\"" }, { "number": "1848", "head": "04/25/91", "content": "I and three or four older men are asked by the conductor to carry the bass fiddles back to where they belong. He tells us the different names of the instruments and shows us how the shape of the hole tells us which family of instruments it belongs to, the bass violin, or what. He demonstrates how to pick them up and says you spread your knees and \"waddle walk.\" Then men chuckle at how absurd this will look. I pick up mine and we walk single file out to the street. The men are quite upset to think that a girl should carry such a huge, heavy thing and keep trying to take it from me. I am a little annoyed with them and resist, saying I'm doing fine. I realize we're past the right building so we all turn around and walk back. I'm looking for a several-storied yellow building. I've passed it by before; its hard to find. I realize I don't have my fiddle and ask where it is. They look and they only carry their own. I see it back about a block leaning on a building. I go get it and come back to the guys. I put the crook of my finger in the breast pocket of the coat of one of them. He looks at me strangely. I say, \"Sorry, I just wanted to be connected.\" I try several other spots and choose a watch chain like thing that seems OK with him. We continue walking. I see the building, \"Lyons Building,\" right next to the Music Co. Building. I say, \"Here we are.\" It's not yellow. It's got smoked glass doors. We go in and now the old man is an old woman and we look for the elevator. A small parade of disabled people with silly party/helmet hats on go by and we smile and sing the weird calliope music they are playing. I see an elevator and we get in and at first I only see two buttons and then the button 13. I push it, the woman says, \"No, bad luck.\" \"I don't believe that unlucky 13 business. That just happens to be the number of the floor we have to go to the Columbia Record Co., and book,\" I add, because we are now returning a book. As we get out of the elevator, we are at a bar. So we stop for a drink. The old man is now seated at a table behind the bar, watching us. He looks tired. I look for the bartender. A young woman pops up and asks what I want. I say, \"Do you have any sugared snacks? I am hungry for something sweet.\" The old woman is close to me and I realize she'd like to make love, and I think, \"But, she's a woman now, not a man, that would make this a lesbian thing. Besides, she doesn't have a penis now, so what's the point?\" I tell the bartender to look for sugar-free ice cream. She doesn't have any. The only thing she has is teas and soda water that is sugar free. I decide on the teas because they have interesting flavors. Meanwhile people come crowding down the hall and I'm pressed up against the bar. Then several zoo animals are walked by. I see a rhino come around the corner and realize he could poke me in the butt with his horn, so I try to scrunch up to the bar as far as I can. I see the rhino turn his head so that the horn is pressing nearer and I say to heck with this and hop up to sit on the bar. Two good-looking young men who look alike are other bartenders and they laugh and say, \"You could have got it in the butt.\" \"No thanks!\" I say, realizing they are probably gay and like it up their butt. Then around the corner comes more animals and I am relieved it's no more rhinos, but a herd of dogs, each on a leash being walked by this guy. Even the tails had a leash on them with bells. He walks them, or rather they drag him down the other hall." }, { "number": "1849", "head": "04/26/91", "content": "I am attending rehearsal and they do a read-through and then Sunny wants to go home. I'm surprised because there's an hour left and I want them to do another run through and use the time. Peter B agrees with me, so we do it again. I go to visit the set. I see Sunny has a heavy, wooden square with windows that open and shut built on the stage. \"How can the audience see the actors?\" I ask. \"Well, that is a bit of a problem,\" she admits. The oak paneling is old (like Shakespeare's time). I feel frustrated, so I go sit outside the structure, but on stage. Somewhere chair people in the audience start chanting, \"Slyvie\" as a joke and I call out, \"No political announcements.\" They laugh with me. The play begins with the man in a chair dancing rock and roll. I decide to go up one level to see better. I go up an elevator, then it's time to go back down, and I come out of the elevator to darkness. I am afraid. I realize two men are backstage and one has a gun. I scream at the top of my lungs and run one over with my wheelchair. I force the gun out of the other guy's hands. He puts his hands up and says, \"I'm leaving the gun, so you'll have to explain it and you'll get into trouble.\" But I don't fall for it and march him through the set and off into the audience. I notice its 9:00 and they are almost done with the play, over an hour running time, and that they use real food in the dinner scene at each rehearsal, very expensive. I don't approve. I apologize for interrupting and ask them to call the police. I am then talking to Andrea on the phone, explaining what happened. I hear a baby crying in the background." }, { "number": "1850", "head": "04/25/91", "content": "Ellie and I are grocery shopping. We get on a down escalator and it really moves fast." }, { "number": "1851", "head": "04/25/91", "content": "There is a stage with a swimming pool of water in front of it. Pairs of people are being dunked in the pool. One is a real person, one is a mannequin dummy. Each wears identical outfits. Then they go stand up on a stage while the clothes dry on them and we try to decide which outfit dries better-looking. I can't see much difference. Someone else says the dummies outfit looks better. One pair has on yellow dresses with a white lace collar. Another has on a white sweater blouse and a short black skirt, sort of 1960's. I see a side view and the breasts of the yellow dress women are slightly exposed by the now low cut style of the dresses. And now it's time to go home and my relatives start crowding in the car. I see Abner, and Uncle Dale and I are standing up in the front seat between the passenger and driver's seat, facing the back seat. I am behind Dale and almost hugging him, we are so crowded. My father is driving and off we go. A woman like Glenda B is there too. We drive around the house on the yard. Now the car is a basset hound and I'm standing on the loose skin around his sides. He yelps once because it hurts. We rush into the house right behind my father who says she'd (Glenda) get dinner and a book and stay the whole evening reading the whole book. I turn down the hall in time to surprise my father as he's walking out of a bathroom zipping up his pants. He looks surprised. I turn quickly and say, \"It's OK. I didn't see anything anyway.\" His eye looked like the eye of a hawk before it turned into a woman in \"Lady Hawke\" movie. I see a potty seat extender on the floor by the bathroom door. It is a deep yellow color." }, { "number": "1852", "head": "04/27/91", "content": "Ginger Rogers and her roommate leave their apartment to walk to work some few blocks. As they are walking, a series of earthquakes hit. She walks past a line of cars parked and someone says, \"Don't look, a man is trapped in his car.\" I (the roommate) can't resist looking. I see a 1930's style convertible, bright blue, with four to six people in it. It is tilted forward and on an edge. It rocked back and forth and I wonder why the people aren't getting out! That's a dangerous place to be sitting. Then I realize it would also be dangerous to move, it will throw out the balance and the car would go over the edge. Ginger and I walk on and go to our apartment. Fred Astaire is there and doing his best to charm Ginger, who rudely ignores him. I need to go to the bathroom and sit on a toilet which is back to back with another toilet where a man is going to the bathroom. We both reach out our doors for the one roll of toilet paper. Our hands meet and we play fight for the tissue. Finally I'm all wiped off and I go back into the living room. There is a man with a charming fake French accent also trying to gain Ginger's attentions. I sit on a chair and Fred sits on me. He hands me a paper with fake French accents sentences on it and asks me to say these, to the other man to keep him occupied while Fred works on Ginger. I stroke Fred's naked, soft young back and say with feeling, \"I'd do anything for you, Fred,\" wishing he could be mine and knowing it was impossible. He gets up, now dressed and flirts with Ginger and I say my sentences at the man who pretty much ignores me." }, { "number": "1853", "head": "04/30/91", "content": "I am making love to a man like Billy Crystal. I am very sweet and tender, loving. He sobs, \"I can't have sex with you because you make me feel so loved and cared for, I can't concentrate.\" I feel unhappy, because I'd like to go on, it feels good. Later, he is able to manage sexually and we have a pleasant orgasm." }, { "number": "1854", "head": "05/01/91", "content": "Nightmare. I wake up frightened. I was being chased." }, { "number": "1855", "head": "05/01/91", "content": "I am in a car with Tom Hanks. I make witty remarks and do impressions of famous voices. I do Jimmy Stewart. We're in front of a movie theatre that features male stars like Stewart, John Wayne and so on. Tom looks at me and says, \"Are you auditioning?\" I realize I am." }, { "number": "1856", "head": "05/01/91", "content": "I am a shy person and gifted musically. A female teacher lives with us. She teaches piano and composition. We are together a lot and she hugs me and sits close. This is OK until she becomes sexual, kissing me and trying to seduce me. I feel repulsed and try to pull away. She says, \"Either you go out and get involved with men or you stay here and be involved with me.\" I'm afraid of both situations, but choose to leave and find a man rather than stay with her. I get in a small car and drive. I find myself on a road inside a building that goes to a distant cousin's house. Maybe she can help me get over my shyness so I can find a man. I knock on her door and go in. She's busy and isn't sure who I am. She offers me basic hospitality by pointing to a bottle of pink wine and saying I could have a drink if I want. I admire the glass jug and politely comment on the pink color, how pretty it is. She's busy with her children. I leave and decide I must go home to visit my mother. I'm on a motorcycle-like thing. I have to drive through a window, on the 2nd or 3rd story of a building and trust that I would land safely! I don't feel much trust, but I smash through the window. The cycle and I are in thin air and I can see the streets and plaza below me. I just know I'm going to crash and die. But somehow I drift down and land safely. Then as I drive down a street, I see some savings stamps (like S and H green stamps, only they are red) fall off my cycle. I don't want to take the time to stop, but I do because the stamps are important. I get them and also get an envelope full of photo negatives. I'm glad I stopped. Now I return to my home. My mother greets me. I see the music teacher is still there. She's suggestively embracing my mother. I glare at her. She is hurt. I tell my mother, \"I'll stay here until I can find a place of my own, where I can live alone.\" The teacher hears this and realizes I mean I haven't given up and returned to her. She leaves the room angrily. I go to my mother and whisper, \"You have to tell her about the beds.\" My mother says, \"This is a very delicate situation, but I'll try.\" As I walk with difficulty up steep stairs, I hear my mother saying to the music teacher, \"We have to take the double bed out now and replace it with two single beds,\" one for her and one for B. I am at the top of the stairs and am crawling, hanging on so I don't slip and fall. I ask (I'm B now) how I'm supposed to get to the bedroom (see drawing). As I can only see a rail to hang on by my hands and swing hand over hand, she says, \"Go through that door.\" I see a small door and I pry it off its brass nails/screws and enter a hall. It is being remodeled into a nice room. I see beautiful dark green carpet and comment on how pretty. I see a small black piano. \"Is this going to be a living room or a dining room?\" \"No,\" she says, \"A music room for my mother.\" We pass through it to the bedroom." }, { "number": "1857", "head": "05/02/91", "content": "I'm Cary Grant's wife and we are in a comedy 1930's movie. He wants to buy a lottery ticket and I ask how much and he says, \"1,000 dollars and a tuppance.\" I am indignant. \"A tuppance?\" I say, \"That's too much to ask! A tuppance, indeed.\" He does his comedic \"Hum\" double take and then points to the line of people waiting to buy tickets. A young woman announces her mother works at a bank at the other end of the mall. I think, \"What clever foreshadowing because he'll want to borrow money later in the plot and it's all set up where and how.\" He then suggests to me that we offer to pay off the other people and then we'll get the winning ticket and be rich. I smile indulgently like a good movie actress wife. He does this and all the people scurry off to collect. He turns to me and says, \"Uh oh, I don't have 8 thousand dollars to pay them with. Maybe they'll forget and go home.\" We are going toward them. One man tries to get around Cary, and Cary says, \"Tsk Tsk. Now I won't tell you where the elephant is.\" The man goes quickly by as Cary comedically watches from the turn style (the long way). He says, \"Will you look at that? He went around the elephant. Hum!\" The elephant is a shortcut path to the lines. We get to the lines and I see Cary's other wife in the other line." }, { "number": "1858", "head": "05/02/91", "content": "I am going to direct student actors doing a couple of pages of MacBeth. I recruit a black man and Warf. We find an empty classroom and I tell Warf to leap up to the black man's chest and push off with his feet, a spectacularly dramatic fight scene. As they are rehearsing, a professor comes to the door and is quite belligerent about us leaving. I walk right up to his face and argue eloquently about our right to be there. He is angry but goes away. Now it is opening night. I'm in a manual chair and have to pull myself up eight steps to get to the stage door. I go on stage to announce the piece. The mike is too high. I launch into a very moving speech describing each obstacle I had to deal with to get this piece on stage. The audience is far away and off to the right, but they are moved by my difficulties as I describe them. I tell them there was only one classroom accessible enough for rehearsal, then the professor discriminating against us. \"He got in my face, well, actually, I got into his too.\" Everyone chuckled. I described how I had to pull myself and my chair hand over hand up the stairs and then the mike was set for a standing person. \"Naturally you would do that because all your experience is your own able-bodied self, so how could you know what it's like to be in a chair? But dare to expand, take the challenge and enjoy our differences. Celebrate our diversity. Don't be afraid of it.\" They gave me a standing ovation. I was quite pleased." }, { "number": "1859", "head": "05/08/91", "content": "Howard and I are in bed. He wants to make love. He tries to kiss me. I am repulsed and sad. I feel empathy and sadness for him because he wants it/me so badly. I feel so sad for me too. I want sex, love and relationship and to say no to him means saying no to myself as well. But I can't get over the repulsion I feel. He cries and says, \"You used to be so beautiful,\" meaning when I was younger. I am surprised. Maybe he is finally able to express his emotions! But as he continues to talk, he clearly stays in a logical, digital based conversation. I am disappointed. Then I hear about a Wash. DC Senator (also Howard) who's thinking of suicide. I ask him if he will. He says no." }, { "number": "1860", "head": "05/09/91", "content": "The landscape is flat, barren, and wet like rows and rows of planted things that haven't started growing above ground yet. Creepy crawly things that are poisonous live all over these rows. There's only one small island free of all this yucky stuff. A woman says, \"My ugly daughter is at the island. Some man lured her there to make love.\" I'm amazed this woman is so open about her ugly daughter. I'm a little offended she would consider her daughter ugly and say so. I go out at night walking on the rows where the creepy things are. I am bare foot and concerned they'll get me. I envision rubber boots on my feet to protect me. I feel better now. I see one of the things that looked like a clam shell with antennas that was eating other things. I feel sad and repulsed when it eats a baby thing. I see it crunching something and see the remains, a tiny pearl necklace and some lace (like it had been a baby). Earlier, I had a cat in my arms and I see two huge insects and I put the cat down and he eats them, crunching loudly as they twitch. (Ugh...) (Somewhere in there Sonja and Nate come in and I say, \"Were you at T City, too?\" They say, \"No.\") 1729, 1730, 1731 do not exist." }, { "number": "1861", "head": "06/01/91", "content": "I am a young man with shoulder length hair like Mark (or Jesus). A beautiful woman is attracted to me. I am to her. We are scientists that work with animals. Suddenly she turns into a crazed creature that kills and maims. She must touch your hands and then rips you up, your blood rushing out all over. The man sees her do that to some research animals and runs to tell the others. All the blue uniformed (overalls like mechanics) gather together and she comes in, sweet and interesting, a siren hard to resist. He almost lets her touch him, but the others rush around him and they all hold hands. She blacks out and comes to seeming normal. She asks, \"Did I black out?\" They all nervously watch her and try to appear nonchalant. She says, \"I need to do the weight drop.\" They all go with her. It is a machine that runs straight up 200 ft. and then smashes toward the ground very fast. She is very adventurous and loves it as fast as it will go. The men love it too and are nearly swooning. One man says, \"Wow! That's even better than sex.\" They admire her. Then they run to another room and hold hands. She comes in, cajoling, needing to connect and hold hands. A woman runs in screaming, \"She got to all the animals. You should see them. It's horrible.\" I see and hear blood spurting out of their bodies. It's sickening. She grabs the last hand of the serpentine and one of her hands is free. The crazy woman comes toward her. The woman at the end of the line wants to give in to her. I (now a woman) scream, \"No, NO! Don't let her touch you.\" I manage to penetrate the spell the monster woman has created, so she goes up to a woman named Doris, in the middle of the serpentine. She nearly lures Doris into letting her join the line. I scream over and over, \"Doris, Doris, don't let her. Concentrate.\" I break the spell again. The monster woman goes from the end woman to Doris over and over again, almost making it each time. I am exhausted, but must fight on." }, { "number": "1862", "head": "06/01/91", "content": "A man is concerned because one of the women pilots has been kidnapped by the 11,000 slave girls and taken away. Another woman says, \"Oh, my!\" The man says (I think) that he doesn't mind it being women, whatever people want to do, but the drugs (stuff) is very bad. We have to rescue her. The woman thinks that's going to be hard. So the man goes to where she is, sneaks in and tries to seduce her. We, the audience, are watching the love scene like we're watching a steamy movie. He kisses her, very sexy, and we love it. Then he pops his penis in and the feeling is so good. She pops up to sitting. \"Wow, made me sit up and take notice,\" she says. Then more steamy kisses. A woman says, \"I don't mind, but boy, was the beginning part good!\" Now they must escape. He sees an airplane outside, these huge, open glass doors. They make a break for it, but it turns into an older man who laughs and waves a book at us. He's got immune status and so we can't hurt him and he doesn't have to help us. We veer off into another building. They're closing in on us. (I'm the man now.) I see some rolls of TP and say, \"Thank goodness.\" I grab a lighter out of my blue overall uniform and start to set it on fire. The bad guy is nearly upon me. I turn the flame on him and he keeps coming at me. I keep the flame on him at full blast and he gets redder and hotter, and finally, a metal button hear his crotch gets white hot and he's in extreme discomfort. I know I've won because he's going to burst into flames and I'll get away." }, { "number": "1863", "head": "06/02/91", "content": "I see a bear off in the distance. It's the one my father, an Indian Chief, has happily pursued and hunted for years. It's his great joy to try and capture this bear. It is coming toward me and I must protect myself or it will kill me. I have my father's .22 rifle. I shoot at the bear over and over, but it only enrages him and he's close now. I aim for the eye and shoot and shoot. Now he's on top of me, mauling me. I keep shooting and finally it dies. I crawl out from under it and crawl, bleeding and maimed, to my father's horse. I put my father's rifle in the holster on the saddle and ride back to tell my father I have killed his bear. I am worried he will be upset because I've brought to an end his favorite sport. I see a small, naked Native American man. He's out of shape and his body fat is down around the belly and hips. He tries to suck it all in and his chest rises to look more manly. [BL]" }, { "number": "1864", "head": "06/02/91", "content": "I've been traveling and it will feel good to get home." }, { "number": "1865", "head": "06/03/91", "content": "I am at a high school, maybe T City High. It's sort of reunion time and I'm looking around. I can't find the room I'm looking for. I meet this guy. We are friends. No sex, just very connected friends. It feels wonderful. We walk arm in arm and hug and talk and really care about each other. His buddies (three of them) see us and are annoyed. So I walk up to one and grab him by his tee-shirt collar with my left hand and say, \"Hey, watch this!\" I wind up my right arm to pitch an imaginary baseball. I pretend to throw one. He's very impressed I can do that. So they all accept me. It's past time to go home. I'd been having such a great time, I forgot about time. Now I have to go to the bathroom. I find a bathroom with a tiny, broken toilet. I go in and remind myself not to really pee. I think I should just get up and do it right. A woman with her 4-year-old daughter opens the door and then apologizes. I then get up to walk home (like toward the M City house). I see my father in a car a block away, he's worried about me and is looking for me. He waves a black and white poster at me. I wave back, embarrassed to be late and relieved he's here to help me. We now go across \"the bridge\" like the railroad trestle at M City, only it's indoors and dark. I step on the wooden planks and say, \"I'm afraid I hate these trestles, they're so scary.\" I'm afraid I'll misstep and hit a blank spot and fall or step on a rotten part and fall through. I clutch my father and he hugs me and helps me across. Finally, it's too much, so he hops down the rocky side and reaches up his arms to help me down. I am hesitant, but then jump into his arms. He catches me firmly and hugs me. I look back and see a wall of rock and say, \"It's a good thing we went on the bridge after all!\" We now get to the door of the house (it's like we're in a tunnel). It's locked. Oh, no! We pound on it and wait. My mother finally opens the door for us. We are home safe." }, { "number": "1866", "head": "06/04/91", "content": "I'm running through a crowd of people, a man is chasing me. I mostly just see his wrist and the suit and shirt cuffs. He's very tall. He's smiling. He's going to rape or hurt me. I look around for help, trying to stay in the crowds. I see a police station, but it's a block away and no one's around. I try to run for it, but can't run very well or fast so I turn back to the relative safety of the crowd. He's closing in on me. I try to hide under a decorative table cloth, small round table, two big, round cloths draping it. It's not going to help. I start shaking from fear." }, { "number": "1867", "head": "06/04/91", "content": "I'm at some vacation resort. I've joined my friends, Mary, Lucy, Rochelle, probably Katrina. I am in a room next to Rochelle's. I'm putting lipstick on and also coloring in the flame designs on the wall. I don't know how to do it free hand but I can copy what's there OK. I see a movie through a window that Rochelle has starred in. I'm impressed, and a little envious. Here I thought I was the one doing great things, and here it is her that's working and famous. So we're all going out to eat in the next room. We've got a station wagon and we have to go down some stairs. I physically push and pull the car down the stairs. Mary stands in front to help if I need it. I am amazed I'm able to do it myself. We push the car right into a rowdy gang of boys/men, Ringo Starr and others. They snicker and decide they need to teach us a lesson. I pass them, hoping they'll go away. They follow. I go look out a window with my camera to take a picture of the lovely water (a river). I see reflected in the window glass these guys coming up on me. They gather and talk about how they are going to rape me and hurt me until I tell them something. I turn to them. Suddenly it rains, coming through the open window, drenching everything. I hide under a blowing curtain to not get so wet. A short guy in a leather jacket is going to rape me first. He walks up to me. I say to them all, \"If you're going to rape and hurt me, then I will simply get stubborn and shut down. I'll never talk. But if we talk this out, I may tell you.\" They cough. My back is to the wall. I'm in trouble. This vacation is ruined. I think, \"Oh well, no room later out of the rain for me. They'll fix that.\" Then I remember my friends. I can bunk in with them. I'll be out of the rain at least." }, { "number": "1868", "head": "06/04/91", "content": "A man, Claude, is dancing ballet on stage with a group. I am watching from backstage. It all looks fun, cultural and nice, I keep moving around to see him better. I realize I'm sort of on stage at one point and move out of the way. After the dance, he comes over. We are shy, but like each other. I'm seated on a chair and he sits on the same chair. We are close and talking. Then he puts me on his lap. I hope I don't weight too much. I wish I'd lost some weight. We have coffee/tea, drink and chat, really enjoying each other's company. [BL]" }, { "number": "1869", "head": "06/05/91", "content": "I am a counselor at a prison. My boss is a principle. I go to his office. He's a nice enough guy. He has two knickknack shelves. One holds five pots of coffee, the coffee can being part of the pot. Each one is brewing. The other shelf has red glass vases and pitchers and pretties. It's probably his wife's stuff that there wasn't enough room at home to show. I realize he doesn't even offer me a cup of coffee, which is a good thing because I don't like coffee, but it is a bit insensitive. It's time for me to meet (written \"meat\") my two very fat counselees. I am dressed pretty, but change into glasses, a big sweater to disguise my womanness so I won't distract them. It doesn't work, of course. My course of therapy is to have them swim, and we talk about their pain. They don't open up to it easily. They are hardened criminals." }, { "number": "1870", "head": "06/05/91", "content": "I'm still working as a counselor. I have a daily appt. with this one group just before 5:00 quitting time. I give them a list of math problems and I observe them as they try to solve these unsolvable puzzles and that's the real test, how they deal with frustration. I give my \"father\" a test because he's curious about it. I think, \"This will be interesting to observe. I'll learn something about him.\" He bites his lip and paces, very unhappy he can't figure it out. I explain to them they are gibberish for a reason, because it would be awful. In this volatile prison environment if some got the problems and others didn't, then the one who didn't get it would really feel stupid! Their self-esteem is already at a low. Some women teachers interrupt because it's past 5:00 and they come to collect their papers and things. I see a paper with a finger nail polish bottle attached to it. It belongs to one of the women. Another day I come to see a guest speaker working with the group. He's got a whole theory built around the shape of breads (rolls and buns) and the process of eating them. I listen as he talks about being real and connected with your feelings. The woman counselor sits next to me, very distraught and puts her head on my shoulder, weeping. It's too much to bear. He's fake, just like he's telling clients not to be. She cries, \"I can't bear it,\" and tries to nibble at my lower lip for security. I stop her because it's not appropriate." }, { "number": "1871", "head": "06/15/91", "content": "I am dreaming, I am aware I am working through that old question of am I a latent lesbian. In the dream I am very sexually hungry and I present an image of a naked woman and I feel sexually excited. Then as an experiment, I present an image of a cat and I feel equally excited. So the conclusion is that when I'm sexually awake, any image will be colored in the sexual feeling. Maybe I shouldn't let myself get so needy and hungry." }, { "number": "1872", "head": "06/15/91", "content": "I am an older woman, 60's or 70's. I am also in incredible physical shape. I am a trapeze gymnast artist and Burt Lancaster is my partner. We are so right for each other. We only want to spend intensive time together, obsessing on each other. There isn't room for anything or anyone else. We kiss, we speak poetry of love to each other. We make love, hug, fondle and caress. There is no world beyond our world of intense love of each other. It feels wonderful. We do our trapeze act together, flying around and doing flips and turns in perfect synchronicity. The act is beauty in motion. When the act is over, we simply are together, loving, 24 hours a day. There is something about him having an affair with a woman and that hurt, but I just intensified my loving to such a degree, there was no time, thought or need for another, only me. Now we are getting married. I am in a beautiful white dress and as we are walking up the aisle. I whisper to him, \"I'm pregnant.\" He is thrilled and I am too, at peace. Now all is complete. I'm also a little amazed at the fact that I can get pregnant, because we're both so old. We spend months, maybe years together, and then he builds a bicycle, a special one that is fast and efficient. I set out on a bike trek, alone. It is for some reason important that I separate from Burt for a period of time, maybe to prepare for when he dies and I am left alone. So I pedal on down the highway. I stop at a gas station and while there, a man in a souped up flashy car with a yellow fringe top that has a smart mouth roars in, fills up and roars out. At first, I'm annoyed at his seeming insensitivity, his maleness and immaturity. Then I find it amusing and decide to try and catch up with him on my bike to observe him more. I pedal quickly and see a crowd stopped on a bridge observing something in the sky. I stop, because I have to, they block the road. I look up and see two rockets taking off, one chasing the other through the sky. It's a NASA launch and has something to do with relationships. I watch and then speed on my way, through the crowd to catch this man in the car. Next I'm on a freeway with cars and other bikers. I pass them all, feeling strong and fast. Now I've come to the river and see the other side. That's home, where Burt is and I miss him. I see I'll have to backtrack to get on the bridge and that will make me lose time finding that car. I then see an entrance ramp close by and pedal up it gathering speed to merge with car traffic. I speed across the bridge very confident and fast. I don't really care about the car anymore. I miss Burt. I stop at the other side at a book stall on the side of the road. I see a book that was given to me by Burt and I fall on the books, happy, rolling around in them like they were water. I want to buy them all and my daughter sees another book, only purchased here, that I'll want and she tries to buy them for me. I want to hurry back to my beloved Burt and happiness." }, { "number": "1873", "head": "06/20/91", "content": "I'm in a rectangular room. A man \"Briggs\" is the investigating agent to find out what had killed my mother. As I watch him, I realize he's actually the one that murdered her, and he's going to get me too. I am left alone in this room with him. He goes outside to get a huge black pig and brings it in to kill me. I accept the challenge and reach for a metal stick, like my brake lever on my chair. Then I reach on the wall for a white dust pan. He rushes me and I try to force the dustpan up his throat. As we fight, he becomes a tiny white piglet and I roust him out of the room." }, { "number": "1874", "head": "06/20/91", "content": "I see several tiny pink bottles shaped like pigs. They have perfume in them. They are in a row (two of them). Somehow the message of the dream means I am a pig and creating the problem. I spill a gift bottle of perfume." }, { "number": "1875", "head": "06/20/91", "content": "I'm seated in the driver's seat of a bus (school bus taking lots of kids on some field trip). A man, the leader of the tour says we need someone to drive the bus. He looks at me. I say, \"No thanks. I haven't got a license.\" He scoffs, saying I'm just a chicken. I try again to explain to him it's not legal and they could get sued. He just looks at me, smiling sneering. I give up and say, \"OK OK.\" I feel the foot pedals (small metal squares like in an old tractor or car); I grind the gears. We start to go down a steep, curvy dirt road. We gather up speed as we go and I keep putting on the brakes. The men are talking behind my back, \"She's doing pretty good,\" \"Good for you.\" We come to a train track, blue plastic ones like on a game. He tells me to drive up on one. I turn and do so. He says that's the wrong one. I back up, the bus is now a series of kiddie cars and its hard to back up. The men are surprised how well I manage it. He points to another track, again the wrong one. He shakes his head like, \"What am I going to do with you?\" and then expresses reluctant respect when I manage to back us up. It's like he knows I can do it but is testing me. I get the right one on the third time. My kiddie car locks onto the track, but the others don't. I wait while they go back to get them locked on. Then my car lurches forward like on a roller coaster ride, alone. I look back, worried. He waves and says, \"Oh, well, you'll be all right.\" I'm not convinced. I go down this steep incline in a tunnel fast. I am stopped by a stack of breakfast cereal boxes. He peeks down and says that will hold you. He leaves and of course they start to give and I go down and down and around and out. He's there. Each child is given a disability to emulate and experience on the next ride or challenge. He looks at me and grins. \"You're dumb,\" he says. I get up on the train engine side and hold the metal handles, \"OK,\" I say, \"I'm dumb.\" He gets in the engine and he tells his female assistant, \"Pick the first dumb one,\" knowing it would be me. She starts to pick one in front of me and I point out to her I'm the dumb one. She takes me to a run that is in front of the train engine and crosses the tracks. I have to run as fast as I can. If I don't do it fast enough, I'll be squished to death. I stand there thinking, \"I can't run fast, I can barely move. What will I do?\" I think of tricking them by running out of bounds, but I am supposed to be dumb. As I'm thinking, other people do their runs. One tries the out-of-bounds trick. It doesn't work. One slows down deliberately and gets caught. Two metal gates close on her and pretend to squish her. I begin my run. I do the best I can, but I limp and am slow. I push hard and cross the line 1/2 second before time is up. I lay on the ground sobbing at my pain. The man runs from the train over to me, concerned, just like I wanted him to. He scoops me up in his arms, reassures himself I'm unhurt and cuddles me. I relax in his embrace. He loved me all along." }, { "number": "1876", "head": "06/21/91", "content": "I am at a dance. I am perfectly beautiful, perfect proportions, long blonde hair. All the men want me. They keep cutting in. One man rushes up to me and says, \"Tell them you choose me, for now.\" I hesitate. Is this going to be beneficial to me? Which man should I choose for my best interests? I do choose him temporarily. We dance. I decide I like him the best. He's sweet and sensitive. An older man, distinguished gray hair, like in soap operas is very powerful, but I don't like him. He wants me and tries to convince me to choose him. I am stand-offish. He is angry at me. I then choose to sit on a bench with a young disabled woman and her mother. We chat. I feel like I'm \"slumming.\" I'm aware of a \"better than you\" attitude. I then get up and go pick up a 17-year-old disabled man and carry him in my arms like a child while we dance. I am waiting for my love to return. He comes in, looking like Abner, with four of his brothers and sisters. They are playful and laughing together. I am glad I'll soon be a part of their nice family. He comes over and I then dance with him. The older man is after us. He'll cause us injury or harassment if he can. We go down to the end of the room. The older man has placed a long mechanical/animal creature under the table. I pick it up at the back of the neck to prevent it from biting me. It curls up and manages to almost get me. I search for and find a button on its right side. I use my left hand and push it; it turns the creature off so I am safe now." }, { "number": "1877", "head": "06/24/91", "content": "I am a member of the war underground. Burt Lancaster is the officer in charge. I must go on a mission, using my best sexual charms to allure an enemy to give info. Burt loves me, so this is hard for him. I love him and feel that duty is stronger than my love. I know I must sacrifice his good feelings toward me. Two old, fatherly men help me get dressed up like a matador's dressing ceremony. They are pleased with how lovely and alluring I look. They beam with fatherly pride. They pull open the curtains so the awaiting platoon of soldiers can see me. There is a pause as they are so overwhelmed with my sexy beauty. Everyone approves except Burt, who'd like this beauty for himself. I go up to the streets. After the mission is over, I am returning to the underground. I step into a tiny toilet room. I see flowers floating in the bowl. I flush them down as a signal that I'm ready. Next I step into the bowl and flush myself down the toilet. I am concerned. I won't fit, I'll get stuck and drown. The water comes to my lips and I say, \"Go slowly,\" even though I feel like it should go fast so I won't drown. Then the \"other me\" gets up off the toilet and goes out, the door a heavy slab of wall that falls into the street. Two young boys (street urchins) put it back. I walk into a store and see a young woman being chased by the police or secret service man (store detective type). She runs toward the back of the store and is blocked by a grand piano in a window. She's very upset and then decides to go around it to the right. She's now in the back work room where the elves put things together. The head elf (fatherly like the men who dressed me) sees her and says to the other elves, \"See her?\" Do anything she asks as if she were me.\" They agree. He lets her pass to the secret entrance to the underground. I say, \"And me too?\" He smiles and says, \"And her too.\"" }, { "number": "1878", "head": "07/01/91", "content": "I am a part of a crowd of college graduates that are taking a traditional walk out to a point on a peninsula. There are so many of us that every inch of land is covered. We are wearing caps and gowns, all black. As we walk, different speakers give eloquent speeches of tradition - history, philosophy, etc. All the knowledge as it has been, being repeated word for word as it always has. No one can speak or interrupt or change the words. We solemnly walk to the very end. Some of the people on the outside edge, I am one of them, are almost pushed off into the water, it's so crowded. We turn and walk back. Now there are long tables set up for the banquet. I walk down (on the table) to find my place. I see Michael J. Fox seated opposite. I pause, we look at each other with speaking, glances, we love each other but I am married to Howard. He's actually the graduate here; I'm a student wife. I continue on to the end of the table. Howard and I sit. Now it is time for everyone to write new knowledge, ideas, and the best one will be chosen and read for all to hear. The male announcer says, \"Doyle\" (the paper chase lawyer-teacher). He stands. The announcer says, \"There was a tie. One more, who isn't actually a student, but a wife.\" He calls my name and I stand on the table, surprised, pleased and concerned that my husband will feel outdone." }, { "number": "1879", "head": "07/01/91", "content": "My \"baby\" is sick. So Howard takes her across the street to the doctor's office. I wait and then get worried. I should have gone with them. I look in the window and see them seated, waiting. I go in, but I can't find them now. I ask a woman clerk where the doctor's. office is. She won't tell me and I push past her and go looking. I find a series of curtained off cubicles Howard and the baby are in one. I join them, sitting by where they are lying down to wait for the doctor." }, { "number": "1880", "head": "07/06/91", "content": "I am sharing a room with four other people - Aunt Elaine, Uncle Benjamin, me and one other woman. It is confusing at first who all is supposed to be in this room. Aunt Elaine says there are three beds, so three of us can stay. Uncle Bus leaves. At first I only see one bed, but I decide to believe on faith that there are three. I turn and see two more single pink beds on the far wall. I also see two more sliding doors, and through a crack I see more beds, one with a plaid coverlet, and I see the movement of someone's knees and realize someone else has that room. I see a door that could lead to a bathroom. We are at a sort of retreat and we each have to take a turn at cleaning up after a meal. The food isn't very good and Aunt and I decide (her suggestion) we go to town to have dinner. I think about the added expense and the waste, but agree. I am now looking through a book. It has some pictures of young boys and men. The other woman likes one of the pictures and wonders who it is. I look through to see if I can find more information. I see the name Hans Solo. I chuckle because that's from \"Darth Vader\" movies and mention that my Aunt had a different memory connection to the name. The number 512 is mentioned and I can't remember why the number seems familiar." }, { "number": "1881", "head": "07/06/91", "content": "Now I'm in a room full of women. They are all talking and laughing. They throw dice. I am annoyed, perhaps tired and sleepy, and suggest that I throw the dice and if I win, they have to clear a quadrant of the room so I can have it to myself to sleep and have quiet. They are insulted but agree. I throw two big fluffy dice and I can't count the round black buttons correctly. At first it looks like 8 or 9. Then a woman says its 4 20's. That means I won. Someone suggests I go out and sleep in the hall, where one of the dice had rolled. I am agreeable; it's further from the noisy chatter; but I stay in the room and sleep on my quadrant that I won. I wish they'd quiet down so I could sleep (curled up on the floor.) [BL]" }, { "number": "1882", "head": "07/07/91", "content": "I am at my station/office in a hall-like room. A woman next to me has started work today so she doesn't know too much about how things run. We are setting up some display that is important. She has a great big female doll, sort of a floppy stuffed cloth doll. I have a male doll, a design in black rock on metal. It is much smaller than the female doll. We each go to place the dolls on this table, box, altar place. Her doll takes up most of the space and I disapprove. My doll is the King (Jesus?), after all, and more important. While I am adjusting them, this man comes up and talks about his disability and how hard it is. I am annoyed at him. He's obviously feeling sorry for himself. My disability is obviously much worse than his, but I try, somewhat absentmindedly, to talk with him sympathetically. I go back to my \"office\" area. It's nearly quitting time. The phone rings and this same man says, with admiration in his voice, \"I'm the one you helped, the one with the bunny leg in a cast,\" meaning his disability was so slight, if it existed at all, that he had a stuffed bunny's leg in his cast. He thinks I'm wonderful and helped him so much. I am embarrassed and thank him for the positive feedback. It's not often people take the time to tell me I did a good job. I look down at the bandage on my thumb (left one). It is now soaked in blood. I am concerned and end the phone conversation. I point it out to the woman next to me (the one new to the job), and she unwraps the gauze. The tip of my thumb has an oval shaped hole in it and is bleeding. I decide I need to go see the Doctor about this. I'm aware it's a minor cut but I'll feel better if a doctor looks at it and bandages it right. So I walk through halls, turning here and there. I come to a place where if I turn right, I go downstairs to the University Dr. (An.) and the plays. (Jock is there and for a moment I think he's Dr. An. Jock looks like a bearded wimpy counselor from OCA.) I choose to turn left, upstairs, to the community college doctor's clinic. As I'm walking upstairs, I pass rooms where operatic concerts are being performed. I see two people standing on the steps listening. I see a cat curled up on a carpeted stair sleeping. I think it's nice, I can hear the concert as I pass by. I then get to the top and have to step over a low counter to get to the right corridor. I realize the blood has stopped by now and it seems silly to go on and see the doctor, but I decide to anyway. They can wrap it better than me." }, { "number": "1883", "head": "07/15/91", "content": "I am renting a room at this woman's house. I come home and the Chinese cook (male) and the other woman boarder and the owner are already there. They are eating dinner and each one sniffs the food before eating, because it's been leftovers so long that we aren't sure its still good. I say, \"It's pretty bad when you can't relax and trust your food.\" The woman boarder, the cook and I all share a room. Now I see that the owner has another room we didn't know about. She stores some of her extra furniture in it. I suggest she let me have that room. She reluctantly agrees. Now the cook is like that actor/cowboy with lots of teeth in the Big Valley. John Candy is the woman boarder's boyfriend. Her name is Susie, she's young pretty and stupid, kind of. The three of us sleep together. I turn to John Candy and say, \"Can we talk?\" He agrees, but looks scared like I'm going to say something serious or negative. I laugh and reassure him it's not going to hurt. I ask him if he could be my friend. He laughs and says, \"We're sleeping together and you want to know if we can be friends?\" I laugh. By now we've agreed he and I are sleeping together alone, but just as plutonic friends. We cuddle and giggle like teens. I feel something wet on my nightgown and realize it is semen emission, either leakage or he had an orgasm. We both start giggling uncontrollably like teens in a library. It's so ironic that we've agreed to be friends, and sleep together and then he has an emission. Now the cook/old boyfriend is mean. He searches through my drawers of clothes to read my diary and then holds the material over me to keep me in line. John Candy is watching him from the hall. Now the cook/boyfriend sees John and starts to blackmail him. He says in a syrupy voice, \"So are you still employed?\" John says yes. He says, \"Do they need you, Preacher? You are a preacher, aren't you?\" John smiles and grabs his arm and says, \"It won't work. You'll have to leave us alone. He (boyfriend) is thwarted and leaves, skunking like a villain." }, { "number": "1884", "head": "07/18/91", "content": "I want to go to the bathroom real bad and am aware that I am dreaming and therefore must not find a toilet. I find one and think, \"No, I'm still dreaming. If I am awake, I'd have my eyes open.\" I'd try to force my eyes open. Once they opened and I fell asleep again. Then I found a toilet and a huge stream of urine rushed down my leg, puddling on the floor." }, { "number": "1885", "head": "07/18/91", "content": "It's Halloween and I'm looking for something in the house to give so I won't have to go to the store and buy more. The rooms are long and full of furniture (see drawing). At least the kitchen has at least three sets of tables and chairs. The living room is spacious. I find containers of hard candy and taffy left over from a year ago and decide to use that, but I see some spots on a sheet of candy and wonder if its moldy and spoiled. I decide not to use it, just in case. I go to the door. The children come in, having been trick-or- treating. They have huge bags filled with candy. I think about asking if I can give it away to trick and treaters, but decide that wouldn't be fair. I see Jake babysitting the babies. He's working hard. I invite him to join us in the living room where there's more room and more fun. I see one of the tables in the kitchen area is gone and am glad to have more space. I have bags of old pretzels and cheese puffs to give to the trick and treaters, but they are small. I hope I have enough to go around so I won't have to go to the store and spend money and get more." }, { "number": "1886", "head": "07/19/91", "content": "I am part of a hidden minority group. We have escaped and we're on a mission. We run out in a group to the library or museum of modern art. We get in and realize we need to hide because the police/citizens are coming in looking for us. Several others and I get in a cabinet (like my video cabinet). The doors keep popping open a bit and sometimes the box isn't even there, although we all act as if it is. I can see the citizens (women) and hope they can't see me. Finally, they leave and we get out. I've split from the group to go where each one of us is supposed to go to get our mission accomplished. I go up a steep flight of stairs. It is difficult. I reach the top and see there is no opening for me to get to the 2nd floor. It's like the stairs curled up over itself. I keep trying to visualize it open. I struggle and finally arbitrarily declare myself on the 2nd floor. After a bit, I am. Now Bonnie and I are at the card catalogue table and I see instructions for how to duplicate/copy the cards you want. I pick up a pile of pink waxed paper covered cardboards (like thermofax paper). You put a roll of film in one card and lay it on the pink film and wait 2-4 minutes and peel off the pink film. I touch the pink film and start to lift it up. I ask Bonnie if she's loaded the film yet. She hasn't. Now I am a young boy and all the other patrons are older retired women. Someone asks what I'm doing there. I am so out of place with these retired people. I hope I'm not noticed before I finish my mission. I now look through cards that look like postcards, upside down, with pictures of animals on them. I'm looking for the ones I came to find." }, { "number": "1887", "head": "07/20/91", "content": "Jock and I are talking. He is gentle. He says its time to go to Dover. I say, \"Yeah. The only things holding me here are the playwright class and Ellie and Charla.\" Then I look in my purse for my pills. I have a hard time finding them. I had changed purses and they had fallen out of their bottles. I finally eat all the right ones. Now I'm crossing a street. A woman walks with me on the left (Kern, the stage manager of \"Fame\" at the community college). She gently pushes me toward the right in a curved line and points to cars coming down a hill. \"We'd be safer on the right.\" I agree and move. Now I see a row of motel/apartment rooms. They are plain and small. I go in one and try to turn down the stereo so it won't disturb the neighbors. The knob is wobbly and nearly comes off. Ellie says to Samantha (her roommate), \"You can have her old stereo,\" (or she asks me if Samantha can have it). I'm a little upset, I'd been thinking of selling it for extra money and didn't appreciate her cavalier appropriations." }, { "number": "1888", "head": "07/21/91", "content": "I am in bed with a young, good-looking man. He is getting sexually excited. I can feel his penis growing hard next to my thigh. I am sleepy and don't want to make love. He tries to embrace me and I say no. He persists and I feel frustrated. I say, \"Don't.\" Finally I realize he won't give up and leave so I throw myself on the ground next to the bed to sleep there. He gets up and leaves. Some woman is in the next room cooking. I get back in bed, wondering if he'll come back and take up where he left off. I am annoyed a little angry and a little smug because I won. Now I'm the director of this scene with two men and a woman, the same man and another one. I've decided to change or rewrite the scene and I know this will not be good news for the other male actor (looks like Howard at dream workshop) because I'm cutting him out. I say, \"Let me see the scene.\" The man comes in. The other man is there, on the bed. The woman comes in, she's wearing a plastic brace under her chemise and I feel embarrassed and stop the scene. It's a lumpy hook thing on her back and I don't want the scene to go to the point that it is revealed as they take off her clothes. I have a hard time telling this guy he's out and I'm rewriting the scene. Now I'm in the passenger side of the car. I've asked an Aunt to make me something. My mother's standing outside the car glaring in; all I see is her disapproving face. I yell at her, \"Leave me alone. I'll do this.\" I feel some guilt that I'm taking advantage of my Aunt. My mother certainly thinks so. She's telling me I should not ask my Aunt to go to all this trouble. I say to mother, \"I'll ask her how much and I'll pay her.\" I realize guiltily that I'm relying on my Aunt's generosity to say, \"No charge\" and I won't pay her. My mother nags at me and I yell, \"Leave me alone. I'll take care of this.\" She is upset with me. Now two young women come up to look at a black box (cook stove) with a small red button in the center of the front wall. As they look, I have a paint brush and I try to touch up a few spots with black paint. The young man is around somewhere." }, { "number": "1889", "head": "07/22/91", "content": "I am auditioning for a play. A woman holds a male black and white spotted cat in her arms. The cat is soft and sweet and affectionate. He licks her cheek, giving her a bath. I smile and hold out my arms. I've decided to cast this cat for sure. I hold him and pet him. He is so joyful to be around. I am very happy to have him. As I am petting him and aware of the softness of his fur, a young girl (woman) with short, dark hair auditions. I know she wants the mother part, but I've already cast that to another actress. I say, \"Would you be willing to play the daughter part?\" Her name is Kitty. She doesn't want to, but I know she'll change her mind later and it will all work out." }, { "number": "1890", "head": "07/23/91", "content": "Claude, another man and I are together looking at xmas decorations. Claude can't decide which ones to get. I make suggestions. I say, \"That round Santa over there.\"" }, { "number": "1891", "head": "07/23/91", "content": "I'm at a sort of beach in a badlands kind of landscape. I'm looking at it through my camera with the telephoto lens, taking pictures. I see water waves spraying up among the rocky shapes off in the distance. There are people on the beach and it's somewhat crowded. It's also kind of muddy. I need to leave there, perhaps some eruption or danger is possible. A man and myself (who is sort of Justin and Lucy) needs to get away and are being held back somehow (a bad guy). They are finally permitted logs (sawed off segments, maybe four or five of them stacked). They go to the river and throw them in and ride them like a horse, their feet, with shoes on, underwater (dragging their feet). They float down this huge, wide green river, feeling pretty clever at their use of the logs, rather than being burdened by carrying them. The woman also decides to keep near the shoreline. In case she falls off, she'll be able to swim in. But there are rocks and shallows, so they have to go out some distance to get around that. This is all working out fairly well, until the river changes. There are level changes (like giant steps or locks) (like in Panama Canal). They will have to get out of the river and carry their logs until they get past this part. There's something about a bus ride either taken or missed. Then she sees the river up ahead. It is rushing white water and big falls and rapids! They both agree it will no longer be OK to go down the river. So they walk. Now there is some bad guy. I think he is the owner of a shyster carnival set up. He says we have to shoot at a target to see our sharpshooting skills. Maybe we'll win (our freedom?). He points to a (see drawing) circle with a hole in it of green stone that is on a wall and moving in the breeze. He grins. I look again and see it's a (see drawing) pyramid-shaped stone and therefore hasn't a hole in it for the arrow to hit. I say, \"No thanks. That's too hard. Not fair. I'll shoot at the dolly in the water-filled case.\" I see a case like a china cabinet of Grandma Agnes'. It is filled with water and in it is a fat dolly. The guy agrees/laughing. He tells the dolly to get out. She goes out the back door and as she's shutting the door, her \"fat suit\" padding gets caught in the door. At the breasts, three or four breasts of the padding is all caught in the door. Now the pad floats off the dolly and floats in the water. The real dolly comes in, her porcelain face old-fashioned and sweet. She has ringlets. She stands at the back of the case waiting for me to attempt to shoot her. Now a padded sheet (like over a piano) is all over the case so I can't see where the dolly is. The guy asks, \"Want to get up closer?\" It's like he's being generous, but he's really not. I smile with confidence and say, \"No thanks.\" I aim my bow and arrow sort of at a cloth toy mouse and shoot. My tiny arrow looks like it's missed because it hit at the front of the case. When the padding is opened, it is revealed that this tricky guy had the dolly move to the front, so my arrow had pierced her ear. I had won, just barely. But I had won. We were free to go." }, { "number": "1892", "head": "07/24/91", "content": "I need to go to the bathroom. I see a hole in the floor of my house. This whole house is large, but it's only one room with no walls. It's very open. I try to squat down and pee, being careful to try and hit the hole. It's got some water in it like a toilet in a train or plane. The hole moves and I walk, crouched, to keep up with it. It moves to the edge of the floor and changes to a grid covered like square. I'm glad because now I can sit on the edge and let my legs dangle over the edge in a more normal position. I pee. I see the outdoors and kids playing off to the left. I feel embarrassed and see a shower curtain. I reach over and pull it to me, closing it. One slit is left open at my left. I still see the kids playing but, oh well. I get up and examine my \"toilet.\" It's a briefcase with metal grid lines. I think, \"It's odd to use a nice leather briefcase like that,\" and I think about removing it and using it as a briefcase. I see another case with compartments in it, all in a row (see drawing). I see matches and matchbooks in it. Dwight comes over and we hug. I remember it's been along time since we've hugged, touched or made love. I want to hug him, but remember he's my brother and so it would be wrong. Now Lydia and her family come in. I am aware of the toilet thing and worry they can smell urine. There is something about Caroline standing there and her father Doug nearby. Now, a whole parade of people are coming in. It's a party and there's something about my father, maybe it's his parade, or it's for him. There are lots of happy people. Tony Curtis is there. We talk. He's smiling at me. He kisses me. I feel shy. The parade or crowd swarms into the house and Tony and I go out for a walk. As we're walking and talking, I see some tacky looking houses. I stop and laugh. Tony asks why I'm laughing. I say, \"This is supposedly the 'south hills' of this town and look how silly, tacky, bad these houses are.\" We look around. I see poorly made miniature pieces with huge screws in them instead of tiny little nails. I see a house (see drawing). We laugh at this house. We're then in another open kind of house and an older man (maybe two) and a 13(?)-year-old girl are talking. The man sees us and waves goodbye to the girl saying, \"I was just kidding about 'Doing It.'\" The girl comes into the house and I say, \"You'd better not 'do it' with him!\" She says, \"Don't worry, I won't.\" She's annoyed with me for even thinking she'd get snookered by this guy. She's pretty capable and knowing." }, { "number": "1893", "head": "07/25/91", "content": "Nate is back. He calls me Bridgette and is trying to make himself useful so he can hang out with us. He sort of ignores me. I feel a longing to hug and kiss him, but he's too busy moving things around. It's kind of a refection of me, especially when he deliberately calls me Bridgette. I say, \"It would help if you called me by the right name.\" I know he's pretending he's mixing me up with another of his women. Another woman called Sonja tells him to straighten up the books. I see a shelf of very large \"oversized\" books. It's Howard's and my collection. Nice books: Art, Cosmos, etc. Then she tells him to go find out the name of this crip talking rock she hands him. \"That's too hard,\" I say. He leaves the room in search, looking at me like \"Oh, yeah? Too hard, huh? You'll see. I can do it.\" He comes back in with an opened book on rocks. He's holding the rock up to a picture and they are identical. He calls it a long Latin-like name. I am surprised he could find it. He then takes off his shirt, maybe to get down to work. I notice he's gained some weight and it looks good on him. I want to go hug him and cuddle, but he moves on. He's now straightening up the magazines on the coffee table. One is Life Magazine and the front cover picture looks alive. It's an astronaut that had the front part of his skull removed and electrodes put on his brain, raw and red, so he can be monitored as he's out in space. It's gruesome looking." }, { "number": "1894", "head": "07/26/91", "content": "I am reading newspapers. They are very large print and huge pages, the comics and stories. I'm in a room with other people. Now I'm outside a room and sneaking up on the window. The bad guys are in the room, waiting for me. We are going to fight. I am trying to make the odds more even by opening the windows. I'm hiding that fact by placing the cream colored drapes and the cardboard place forward so they can't see they are open. Somehow I win if I fight and then get this pile of money and papers on the window seat out the window after I arrange this. Myself and several others go in and the fighting starts. One big football guy crouches and points to his balls, daring me to kick them. I know I'd be a fool to do so as he'd grab my foot and throw me around. I have a pair of scissors and I slash out, cutting people with it. I then rush to the window and shove out the papers and money. I've won. Now I come around to the door and tell them all to line up in pairs. We're walking over to the superintendent's office to get a lecture and see the museum. It's a way of keeping them busy so no more fights erupt. I see two good-looking young men. One is in a beige suit coat, the other is in back. \"You too, eh?\" I say. \"I might have known.\" They had started this whole thing. They crowd up real close to me, teasingly aggressive. I march us all to the next building and as we are walking past it, someone comments, \"That's his house, that part. He lives here at the school.\" I see black glass windows (smashed), modern furniture. There is a sense of him using the system. I crowd everyone in; there are lots of them like in a library area. I go to the super's office door and catch him just as he's trying to sneak out. (Jerry Van Dyke's, brother of Dick Van Dyke). I say, \"Oh no you don't,\" and make him come over to talk. I know he's only going to talk a few minutes and I want it to last all afternoon; otherwise what else would I do with them? They are a high school crowd. A shy girl is there. She wants to leave. I don't let her." }, { "number": "1895", "head": "07/27/91", "content": "I am living in my car. I'm in the driver's seat. I notice lots of broken glasses and cups on the floor. I am annoyed at Ellie for making this mess, carelessness. I try to reach down and pick up some, but it's too hard. I start to back the car out of its spot. I am parked too close to an older black car (the Mercury?) I wonder if I scratched the paint on the car or made a dent. I also notice my green van on the right. I then get out of the car and walk downtown to see what I can see. The sidewalk is uneven, like old bricks or cement. I stop to look in a store window at dresses. I see a fat skirt, some ugly dresses. I notice in the reflection of the window a man is standing next to me - some creep, no doubt. He's talking to me. I'm annoyed. I turn and walk away and I see the end of the road. There is a huge ocean with ocean-going vessels out there. The waves are huge and crashing and cold. The oil tanker-like ships are rusty. I feel fear and revulsion. I don't want to see it and I turn and walk away towards that man even though I don't want to see him either. I notice another (street?); I go there only to see a rugged vacant lot with junk and a burnt-out foundation of a house. I think to myself, \"I wonder what these symbols mean.\" I notice the negative aspects and feel a reluctance to examining the meaning. Just my luck, hard and negative symbols. I see the burnt-out house and feel resigned. I see some children nearby. I see a person who looks at me and waves and I am unaware that I'm actually waving to myself. My dream self is waving to my waking self. I am amused and impressed with myself." }, { "number": "1896", "head": "07/28/91", "content": "I'm looking for my pills. Ricardo and Rigo are standing in my daily pill boxes. I move pills from Rigo. He's too young and might take some. I have trouble distinguishing between the pink ones and the peach-colored ones. Howard comes to bed, Ernie like, wearing black bikini briefs like Kevin Kline who reminds me of Barry S. Ginny is around. I'm pregnant. I lay down on a hospital bed. A doctor puts his hand on my belly. No pain yet, but there will be soon. The doctor might have a gay lover. There's a pair of shoes on the floor. I see an open door to another hospital room and hear a little girl crying out, \"Daddy, daddy, there were these lights.\" She'd been dreaming and was afraid, running down the hall to her daddy's room. I thought to myself, \"Listen to her, you jerk. She needs to know she's OK.\" He doesn't. He says, \"Yeah, yeah,\" like she's making up a story. I feel sad for her. I see a creature that opens his mouth and moves his tongue out to greet me. It lives in a bowl. It looks like a shrimp thing (and like Audry II in Little Shop of Horrors) I ask, \"Can't it get out?\" concerned because it needs water and I don't see very much and if it gets out, it could dry up. He likes me and recognizes me when I am near. I bring him a present: a box of Kleenexes, a purse-size one in a plastic wrap. He loves it and comes out and eats some. Then Ginny opens its mouth and pulls out a string of white stuff and puts it on the table. It wiggles around. The creature says, Where is it?\" Ginny says, \"Over there.\" It says, \"It has changed form (meaning been born).\" I see it looks like a tiny white elephant. It's a baby. Everyone wants to help me and I then realize, \"Oh, right, I forgot. When you last saw me, I was in a wheelchair and pregnant.\" I'm walking fine now." }, { "number": "1897", "head": "07/30/91", "content": "I see a mentally retarded woman in a long, narrow room like a jail. She's angry at her mother and runs to the bars to call for her father." }, { "number": "1898", "head": "07/30/91", "content": "I am at work/school and tired. I want to go home and look around to see if things are done. I notice that I haven't finished my work for the day. There are clothes to be folded and put away. I sigh and go get it done. I separate the skirts, the underslips and the tops into different piles. I find pieces of a dress pattern pinned to a cork board at the bottom of the laundry pile. I start to take the pin out and put the pattern away, but can't remember if the person making the dress has cut the cloth yet. So I leave it, just in case. I now feel ready to go and can't find my purse. A young man walks in and I abruptly ask him what he wants. I realize a class will be coming in soon. Ellie is hanging around not being helpful. I can't find my car keys and I see more clothes to put away. I feel tired and frustrated. I remember the purse is in the closets among more piles of clothes. Dream work: bars of jail and bars (as in taverns) and bars of music long (horror?) jail could be coffin, the living dead. \"Let me out\" appears in both titles!" }, { "number": "1899", "head": "07/30/91", "content": "I and my companion come to the house to try and kill a dragon who had been threatening me. I am worried because I don't know which way he's coming from. I can't protect front and back. We are at a window looking into this house. Now, later, inside the house, a group of people are also afraid of the dragon. They form a circle and each one alternating, facing front or back so all sides are protected. One smaller one isn't holding hands and it's looking up the chimney. I worry that he will wander away and leave us vulnerable. Now the dragon (like my stuffed dragon) flies down and looks in the window and says, \"Come out or I'll kill you.\" I laugh, \"No way!\" The dragon says it won't do any good for us to resist because he'll just breathe in smoke into the house and we'll have to come out. I, he says, won't. \"By the way, we'll get your brother too.\" I feel fearful that he's right, but I stay in the house. My brother (me) outside the house walks. He had my capacity to see in all directions." }, { "number": "1900", "head": "07/31/91", "content": "My mother is on her knees by my bed and she's very intense. I get up and leave, telling her not to be so intense around me. \"A circle complete.\" A man wins a red convertible \"scat wagon\" car. I admire it and we agree we'll both own it. I say, \"I like to drive.\" He's happy because he doesn't like to drive. It's a perfect symbiotic relationship. I am driving. I stop to say goodbye to a friend." }, { "number": "1901", "content": "(08/01/91)\"Alcoholism is a disease of the brain and I find it hard to leave.\" Nate's wife is mad. I go to a house and walk in. Nate is there. I am wanting to go hug him and aware that I should leave. We talk as I struggle with my torn feelings. Then his wife walks in and Nate, standing behind me, puts his arms around me, sort of a hug and sort of to restrain me from leaving in a playful, serious way. He says my name loudly several times and I'm embarrassed. Now he's done it. She'll recognize me for sure. She does. She is angry that I am back. Nate hangs on to me as I try to get him to release me. She and I talk. She is angry and I am trying to be plain now. I did not know he was here and accidentally came to the door. She doesn't believe me. So why don't I leave then, if my intention sare honorable. She tells me, \"Alcoholism is a disease of the brain.\" He's a sick man and I must leave. I'll make it worse for him. I know she's right and find it hard to leave. A younger woman is in the room. I finally get him to let go of me." }, { "number": "1902", "head": "08/01/91", "content": "My father and I are looking at things. I walk over to a road, a dirt road, and I say, \"Oh! look, it's Springdale,\" one of my Uncle's house. I see the dirt driveway and a grassy bank. I say, \"Look, it's like it was long ago\" (perhaps when I was a child). Suddenly there is an earthquake. I see the dirt breaking up and rolling down the grassy bank. \"An earthquake,\" I say. My father comes to look as the road transforms to a staircase; the left side of it is now the dirt bank. My father and I go stand on it to look. Several people stand right on the edge and the edge crumbles and they jump down. One man says to us, \"Careful.\" My father says, \"Let's go look.\" He jumps down on the stairs. I lean over and he holds his arms up for me to jump. \"Are you sure?,\" I ask. He smiles and says, \"Come on.\" I then jump down into his outstretched waiting arms. He catches me and we laugh. He hugs me and we hold hands. It's very affectionate and warm (he is 68 years old like he is now). We go down the stairs into a room. On the left is a beautiful, ornate piano. He asks me to step through a golden, wired design I could walk through to sit on a chair and listen as he plays his piano. He goes up a few stairs to play the piano. I try to bend down and walk through the wire devices. It keeps bumping my head until I am finally on my hands and knees and still won't fit. My father laughs and so do I. \"Guess I won't fit here,\" I say. I walk over to where he's at the piano. He starts to get up to go fix the wire thing but I say, \"No, I'd rather sit here anyway\" (it's closer to him and the piano). Now we walk over to another room. There are dolls on the wall. He takes one off the wall and says she has to go to the dolly hospital. She's had her head severed. I make a word joke about how severe to sever with a head severing (something like that). He says, \"He didn't quite understand that.\" (Elaine?) The dollies were gifts from an Aunt. He rearranges them. We walk on, back to the piano room. He looks up high on a wall and sees some little knickknacks and plaques. He says, \"Hope you don't mind, but I think I'll take those down.\" I say, \"Actually I've been wanting them down for a while. It makes the room look tacky.\" (The dollies were very high up too.)" }, { "number": "1903", "head": "08/02/91", "content": "I am in bed with Rochelle. We haven't seen each other for a long time. She really likes me and respects me. She curls up with me, spoon fashion. It feels very warm and affectionate. I am aware that she is gay, but I feel comfortable and relaxed, not uptight and worried. I have a pack of cigs and fumble them. They fall out of my hand into a narrow dirt ditch by the side of the bed. I try and reach for them and end up sliding out of bed and reaching my arm down. I finally get them and get back in bed. Now Rochelle is laying sideways at the other edge so she can see me better. I feel a bit more comfortable that she's moved over there. We talk and I smoke. I want to put out the cigarette and she says, \"There's an ashtray over there.\" She reaches for the cig. to take it over there for me. I fumble and it drops on the sheet. It rolls around, lit, and Rochelle tries to pick it up and it's hot and she keeps dropping it. I don't help very much. Then I go to look for a bathroom. I find one. Rochelle is talking about her lover, a young woman, and how hard it is to keep her. Now the scene shifts and I get in a chair (an ordinary office chair) to drive/fly away. It rises up above the street. I feel some concern as I feel where the backrest is before I lean back. It feels loose and precarious. I lean back carefully. Then I wonder how this thing can fly because it has no fuel/energy source. But it does. I'm going down the street and want to rise up higher so I can peek into the second story windows and see what people do and how they live. It does and I do. I get to an office. Two other women are waiting. The door opens and a black man says, \"Who has an easy request?\" I say, \"I do,\" and I go in ahead of the others. I sit and he says, \"Lots of times they say it's an easy one, but they turn out to be the most complicated.\" I grin in recognition and say, \"You're right. Mine probably will too. Shall I go out and come back in?\" He says, \"No, what do you want?\" I say, \"Not much. I want to work with people on drugs and with AIDS and at a college level, but colleges don't pay very much. I want you to subsidize me.\" He asks, \"How much?\" I say, \"$2,000.\" He asks, \"Where do you want to work?\" I say, \"With the inner city kids. In Queens.\" He says it's unusual for him to be working with college level stuff, but he did have one dean still writing to him. I am aware I'm being selfless and asking for worthwhile stuff and he'll give me my request. I see his Negro mouth, huge lips, open in an \"o\"." }, { "number": "1904", "head": "08/02/91", "content": "I am going to the White House to meet the President of the U.S. He is a bachelor. I have to go down to the basement and get clearance. I am aware in the dream of a feeling that I look very good and I am to be respected and then he will fall in love with me. I look around for the woman who gives clearance. She is not around. I am tempted to just go up the back steps, but decide to do it right so I won't get into trouble. I open a door and find the woman who is very fat, like 500 ton or 1,000 lbs. She is lying down and uncomfortable. There is a mirror near her head like a pillow. A man (her husband) sits behind her head, facing me. He's there to help her, a co-dependent, lazy kind of guy. She is grumpy but gives clearance (permission). I go upstairs. The President opens the door; he's talking to someone and turns and does a double take as he sees me. He's already interested. I come in confident." }, { "number": "1905", "head": "08/03/91", "content": "I am in bed. There is a little vivacious girl with me, bouncing around. My roommate (helper) and (Toni) comes in and is going to help me straighten up things in there. My other new roommate, a male named Tony, comes in and is \"talking\" to her. He touches her and leans into her like an Italian who is angry. There are sexual and aggressive undertones. He touches her top part of her chest. She tells him to please not touch her when he talks. That makes him more aggressive and belligerent. I sit up and say, \"Tony, Tony, Tony,\" trying to get his attention. He ignores one and continues to push on her. I am firm and insistent. I say, \"She's made it very clear that she doesn't want you to touch her. If you intend to stay here, you'll have to respect that and leave her alone.\" His attitude is one of, \"I'm not doing nothing wrong,\" but he backs off. He looks like he is crying. I realize he's vulnerable. I get up out of bed and walk (well and with ease) over to him and say, \"Tony, wait. I see you're feeling hurt. This isn't about you personally. You can still live here if you follow the rules.\" He says, \" I'll think about it,\" and leaves the room. I'm pretty sure he is going to leave and I think for a moment. I'll have to give him back his $95 for rent and I could use the money. But oh well, if I must, I must. I shake my head, \"How ironic. I got a roommate who was molested and one that molests.\" I hope it works out, but I am clear that he goes if he doesn't change. I can always get another roommate. I then walk to the closet. Tony follows me and asks what I'm doing. I say, \"I feel like wearing a different dress today.\" I look at different ones. She shows me several purple ones I used to wear. I say \"This one,\" and it's an old-fashioned green print dress with puffy yellow sleeves, sort of wagon days style. She says, \"That sure is different, sweet and old-fashioned.\" She unbuttons several of the top buttons. I'm going to put it on." }, { "number": "1906", "head": "08/03/91", "content": "I am in a room. Mabel and several other women are there. I walk past them to talk with a man. One woman asks me why I chose to ignore Mabel and talk to the man, and why I am angry and being sarcastic. I feel angry that she accuses me of this and begin to explain that I wasn't angry. I simply wanted to talk to the man. I realize as I'm talking that the woman is right, and I feel caught and embarrassed. I take a deep breath and, still angry, I try to be honest. I say, \"I apologize if I offended or hurt. I have old habits that I learned from my parents.\" I go on to explain about my mother, her anger and indirect ways of expression. I say, \"I'm trying to change.\"" }, { "number": "1907", "head": "08/04/91", "content": "A man is trying to seduce me. He is outside the house and crying to weasel his way in. I call 911. A woman officer comes in and asks questions. She wants to verify if I'm a federal employee. I say, \"Yes, I am\" but I am wondering if I'm really being accurate. She says formally, \"I wish to apologize to you. It was our fault.\" Meanwhile this seductive guy is still in the house trying to get my attention. I resist him. A small baby girl starts to go happily toward him. He's encouraging her because then he'll have me. I try to prevent it and take the girl away. Another man is there (maybe Howard, husband type) and he takes the little girl for me." }, { "number": "1908", "head": "08/05/91", "content": "I am in a large house. High school friend Dora is visiting. She's in the living room. There are two women in the kitchen and I go between the two rooms back and forth to entertain Dora and to get things she needs from the kitchen area. I go into the bathroom, which is at the front of the house. It is made of brick. I can't get the door to shut completely. I see another door that leads to the living room. I go out and try to lock it. It has a lock with two holes that have parts that move down so that it looks like two eyes of a dolly shutting. The first try doesn't work and I do it again, only slower, and it locks. Then I return to the living room, and Dora and Duane are seated there. I then go to the kitchen and find the two women. They put on bridesmaid dresses and I am putting on the bride's dress. We will each take turns wearing it before we take it in to Dora who will be the bride at 8.00 p.m. I see my white satin top and the net petticoats and feel that the dress should be prettier than that and decide it will have a long satin skirt over the net. The two women, one dark-haired, bring the bouquets they had made - satin with a white gardenia. I am very impressed at their kindness in making these. The rest of the bride's bouquet is in the other room; I go to get it. I then see another room I didn't know was in the house, a bedroom where the dark-haired woman lives. I feel she's a CIA spy. It has no walls. I wonder if it gets too cold and rainy for her. I come out, headed for the living room, when Katrina comes and says we need to go get gas for the car. I agree because it would be nice to have all these details worked out so Dora's wedding goes smoothly. I am in the back seat; Katrina is driving. I notice we are going across a bridge to another state and realize she is going a long distance in order to use her Chevron card to pay for the gas. I say, \"Hey, I didn't agree to this.\" She says it's best for her to do it this way. I say, \"I think it will take too long and we'll be late to the wedding. I'd rather pay for the gas myself.\" So she agrees, but we have to stop at a bank first so she can do some transaction. She drives the car right into the bank and parks over by a wall and gets out. I am seated in the car (now a small child car) in my bride's dress feeling conspicuous and embarrassed. Someone I know (perhaps an ex-student) comes up to chat. I feel like an idiot and think, \"Oh well, I'm disabled, like may be that will be explanation enough.\" I look at my watch it's 7.30. I say, \"Let's go back now. I'd like to leave enough time to make sure we're not late.\"" }, { "number": "1909", "head": "08/06/91", "content": "I feel sad. I'm going to be married and I have resigned myself to it. In a house; visiting at the coast." }, { "number": "1910", "head": "08/07/91", "content": "I am going to meet a woman. I have to give her some information from the counseling dept. I drive out to a building and part in the parking lot. I go to the building house where I think she is and knock on the door. No one answers. I see what I think is a mail man pouch and a dog is biting letters and holding them in his mouth. I am concerned that the woman will need those letters. I see it is a back pack/mail box. The dog's head is shaped like the point of a fountain pen. [It is a waking realization.] He's black and white. I try to shoo him away but he \"doggedly\" stays there. I don't want to be bit, so I don't grab for the letters. Now I see women coming out of the building and I notice I was at the wrong place. They had been meeting in another building behind the one I was knocking on. I see co-worker Juliet and others. I am supposed to deliver this in for from the library (the community college) and I can't remember the name of the woman I'm to give it to. I go \"upstream\" as the women come out and find the second building. I see another meeting going on and ask a woman (a co-worker) if this is the OCA meeting. She says no, they had been meeting in the other building I feel frustrated and go back to the original building I am in the small room I'd been knocking on and think this must be a telephone room. I go outside and walk to the parking lot. I see a dead, bloated horse lying in front of my van. How awful, but I can probably get around it. Then I see my van, which had been parked with both doors open, was gone. I'm tired and annoyed; I call the police. A male voice says,\" You can drive a manual shift?\" I say, \"I can drive very well. But it's an automatic shift.\" He hems and haws and I know he is not going to be helpful getting my van back." }, { "number": "1911", "head": "08/08/91", "content": "Capt. Jean-Luc (of Star Trek) is interested sexually in Dr. Beverly and vice versa. They are on the bridge. He suggests they go to her quarters. She is hesitant but willing. Her concern is that if it doesn't work out, there would be big problems because of their close relationship as captain and doctor. They would still have to work together. He overrides her concerns and they go to her quarters and don't even completely undress and attempt to make love. His penis is semi-flaccid and medium-sized. She expected it to be bigger. She strokes his penis and stomach, trying to unbutton his pants. Then she pulls him to her and he enters, but it is not as exciting as anticipated, they struggle and try, but it's just not working. She fakes an orgasm and they sit up. Her half grown son tries to lock the door for her so she'll have more privacy. Capt. sits up and says, \"So, we won't be seeing each other like this again.\" Her feelings are hurt. Is he, after all, just like other men? She retaliates by saying, \"I faked the orgasm.\" Now they are both hurt and the captain goes back up on the bridge. Later, she goes to change her clothes and chooses a uniform top that is yellow, a soft knit that will accentuate her form with lace around the attached hood. She feels this is incongruous with her feelings that it's all over. She goes up on the bridge. Everyone is expecting an alien visitor. She must prepare the proper environment for him. He's mostly invisible and the atmosphere he needs is a blue light. She reassures the crew if they encounter the alien's blue misty atmosphere, it will not harm them. The alien enters and wears large \"sneakers\" on his \"feet.\" Doctor bends down to examine them, thinking they are too tight for the \"ganglia.\" Captain watches her and makes a comment under his breath about how lucky \"he\" (the alien) is to have her touching him and being concerned. She sort of feels his remark. A slight sexual tension and teasing is going on. She decides the alien doesn't have to wear the sneakers after all (they are our species stuff) and takes out a soft slipper that he can wear instead." }, { "number": "1912", "head": "08/10/91", "content": "Silly Hat, Bath Time. Ginny and Ernie are there and they are my gentle, caring, loving helpers. Ellie and I are there. My mother is there. I reach into a box of hats and put some on my head. I put a silly one on, green and white variegated yarn like a snug child's hat and the yarn ends close all around my face. I laugh and go show my mother. Ellie says, \"I thought those were sleepers for Charla in that box.\" I said, \"Don't worry, they are in the other box.\" Now it's time for my bath. My mother prepares it. I see Ellie putting Desiden on the diapers for Charla. My mother pays her every time she does it, in effect bribing her to take better care of her daughter. Oh well, at least it works. I see a man, a friend, we are very affectionate. He is getting ready to go back to his hunting hole. He says I have to build up some sweat so I can be a better hunter. I ruffle his hair affectionately like a boy's and smile. I say, \"Hopefully you'll take a bath so I can get within 30 yards of you.\" I pause and then rush to reassure him, \"I mean before the wedding, not now.\" He grins and says teasing, \"Maybe I'll just stand 31 yards away.\" Somehow he is asserting his need to be true to his nature. I am trying to accommodate that. He leaves and I get in the bath. There is lots of soap. I realize it has been feeling good to take a bath every morning like I've been aroused to get me going. She's leaving today and I think, \"I wish I'd continue this on my own without her there, gently pushing me,\" but I realize sadly I probably won't." }, { "number": "1913", "head": "08/10/91", "content": "I'm on a boat trip. I am with my \"husband\" who is like Darryl. Two couples are traveling together. We women get angry at the husbands. They just goof off and ignore us, so we decide to get divorced. Now we're ready to go back home. We walk upstairs and down and across a lobby. I see a boy/man in a wheelchair that looks like a big stroller. He's tipped over. People are walking past. Even though I am aware I have a disability (not in the dream), I reach over and help him up. Darryl also helps. He thanks us. I think how small his body is. Darryl is talking about us being together even though we're \"divorced.\" I am tempted. I do love him and enjoy him. He keeps talking and repeats what he heard the other guy say about maybe it's true we're really lesbians and just want an excuse to travel together so we can be together. This makes me mad again. I look for my room, #15. Darryl follows me. I try to open the door. I push a big purple button. A water shower sprays out. I keep adjusting the spray to get it to stop, but it won't. I get frustrated and say something like, \"Hey, I can't make this work.\" Darryl frolics in and pushes the button and it stops. I say, \"How did you do that?\" He says, \"I don't know. It just stopped the first time I touched it.\" I go down a long narrow stairs with bits of wet pampers on the floor. I am amazed at how huge this room is and wonder if I've got the wrong one. The first one coming out was tiny and no bathroom. This one has separate rooms. I go into each room, exclaiming at the spaciousness and luxury. \"Wait 'til you see all the pretty things in the bathroom,\" says Darryl. I run in to look. There are lots of knickknack shelves and groupings of tiny ceramic animals. There are a group of kitties, dogs, etc. I say, \"Oh, look, I can take all these home.\" I am looking forward to looking at all my treasures. I go out and see more rooms. I see an open door. A stranger (female) stands looking in at me. The door then closes and I realize it's a connecting door to another cabin and it was left accidentally open and now is properly shut." }, { "number": "1914", "head": "08/11/91", "content": "I am in a house with Pat Brown. We are making love, on a wooden bench (like a pew). He's kissing me and lying on top. I'm getting excited. I think maybe someone will walk in so I say, \"I think we ought to lock the doors,\" a glass side door and a front door. He's enjoying the sexual feelings and is reluctant to stop. Just then a woman, my \"roommate,\" comes walking in the front door. She's dressed to go to church, wearing a hat and pulling on her gloves. Pat had slid down off me and my skirt is down enough that I am covered, and I hope we look innocent enough. But no, Pat is naked and his bare butt gives us away. She sees the situation out of the side of her eyes and pretends it's not happening and leaves. (Before this, I think, a bobcat was outside the glass doors and comes into the room. I think it's beautiful and am aware it's a wild animal and feel concern that I could be hurt. I want to pet it, and do, but am also trying to get it out of the room.) So Pat and I resume making love. He is only partially erect and has some trouble finding his way in to the vagina. He slides down and looks, poking around for the opening. I want him to quit fooling around and come in and have an orgasm. A small, red, furred kitty is outside the front door in the foyer and it belongs to my roommate. It prances out of her room to her in the hall and she pets it as she's leaving for church. Then the kitty comes to my room and comes up on the bench where Pat and I are. I pat it. I notice it has red eyes. It purrs and licks me, and Pat, with his eyes sensuously half closed, sticks out his tongue and licks the kitty once or twice. I want Pat to make love to me and I start kissing him, and then I realize he's done. He had orgasm and I am left sexually awake and frustrated. He sits up and gets up as my roommate is returning. I notice my diaphragm, wet with jelly, is on the bench and I try to slide it out of sight. It's stretched over a plastic breakfast bowl. I create a diversion, gather it up and give it to Pat. We go out of the room, talking, chatting and duck into the bathroom. I put the diaphragm on the shelf. It turns into or is next to a small black object, cylindrical in shape (see picture)." }, { "number": "1915", "head": "08/11/91", "content": "I am looking at an ornate picture that Paulina has drawn. I say to Kenneth, \"Look at this. There is something sweet about her drawing,\" (ability). Then I see she is tracing pictures. I look again at her pictures and reassure myself there is still some original creativity there because after she traces the form, she adds her own work inside it. I see the outline of a woman and a crude, but compelling face like my drawing in art class. I see another drawing of \"Rose,\" a woman who looks like me, that Rochelle drew. Someone says, \"Look, it looks like you in the face.\" Rochelle must have been thinking of me when she did it, perhaps unconsciously. I want to hold \"Rose\" and meditate for answers to what I'm doing to myself. I do so and I see a rolling muddy river with sticks in it. I laugh because I realize the symbols mean \"she is beating herself up.\" The sticks then turn to turmoil and I know this means, \"She is being shitty to herself, the trend.\"" }, { "number": "1916", "head": "08/12/91", "content": "Warm Love, Shame And Healing. I am in love with Robin Williams and he with me. The only trouble is he is married. I am in a room I share with a female roommate. I am eating chocolate figures, all but the hats. My roommate asks didn't I know the hats were chocolate too? I said I didn't and pick up the little chocolate brim. I will go back and eat the other hats later. Robin comes in the door. I am glad to see him because I love him and desire him, and I am sad to see him because I must resist him because he is married. He tries to embrace me and kiss me. He is sweet and I want him, but I push him away. He is unhappy and realizes he must give up his wife so we can be together. Now I am happy and we hug and kiss deliciously. Now I am a fat business man who brings things to this bad gangster boss. I (the observer) feel sorry for him, but he looks at me (like I'm the TV camera ) and says, \"I asked for it. I choose to do it.\" He feels resigned and guilty. He knows he is not a victim and chooses this degrading life style. The boss snaps his fingers and the man goes to get what the boss wants. Now I am a counselor on a couch talking with a young woman, my client. She is telling me how she can now be assertive and free with her own feelings and needs. She says I changed her whole life. I say, \"No, I didn't, you did.\" She asks was the ability to change always then or did the counseling put it there? I say the natural ability was always there but the counselor gave skills and techniques that helped the natural ability to be used. We are all pleased with ourselves and each other. Robin is there too." }, { "number": "1917", "head": "08/13/91", "content": "Prom Dresses Over The Sink. I am in M City house. There is something about my parents. I go in the kitchen and see clothes hung up like in a closet only it's just across the kitchen area. I see several of my prom type dresses from high school, with scoop neck, bouffant skirts, blue, and one is yellow. I touch one and think it's rather course, cheap material, not like I remembered it." }, { "number": "1918", "head": "08/13/91", "content": "Every morning someone brings me my little baby girl. She is so thrilled to see me. We hold out our arms for each other and she runs into my arms laughing and happy. We hug. After a few minutes, I hand her over to someone else and get busy with other things. She starts acting up to get my attention." }, { "number": "1919", "head": "08/14/91", "content": "I am in a large room that is the C department's lounge. I'm sitting on a couch. I see coworkers Mabel and Juliet and lots of new people I don't recognize because I'd been gone so long. I watch them with interest, noticing how different it all is. A good-looking man sits next to me and smiles. We are attracted to each other. He is now a member of the C department. I talk with Mabel and Juliet who are at the other end of the couch. They are distant and busy. I lay down, curled up, watching. He lays down beside me. I say, \"This used to be my corner.\" He smiles and says it's his now, but he'd like to share it. We talk, our interest in each other growing. He asks me out, says he'll give me a ride home. Great, we get in his car. He sees a restaurant and pulls up. We will go have dinner. It's a ritzy place. The maitre d' comes over and looks me up and down and coughs meaningfully. I say, \"I suppose I don't meet your standards.\" He points to my shoes: plain, black and dusty flats. Well, what can I do? These are my shoes. He suggests I go into this other room where their staff will spruce me up. Jim isn't around and I go, hesitantly. The maitre d' disappears through the door and I say, \"Yoo hoo\" from off a balcony upstairs. Relieved, I \"Yoo hoo\" back. He comes downstairs and we are glad to be together. The maitre d' comes back to find me. Jim points to the pants cloth on his (Jim's) behind and says, \"I'm an executive of the editors and journalists and I need these pants cleaned. The maitre de is very impressed. I'm a little surprised Jim would lie and put on this act. Now it's after dinner and we are going to get back in the car (a sports coup 1930's -'40s convertible). I put a lot of things in the back seat (including a protractor). I say, \"I'd best remember I put that there in case anyone sits there. It's sharp and hidden. It could hurt someone.\" Then my Aunt Naomi shows up and wants to be introduced to Jim. She's looking him over and approves. He is OK. Jim says, \"Hop in, we'll give you a ride.\" I then realize it would be best if I get in the back and think of the irony that I must be careful of the protractor. We all get in and drive. They are chattering and getting along very well and teasing me in a loving way. It feels good. He stops the car and gets out and goes into a huge office area that has rows and rows of file cabinets. It's a film processing company. I ask, \"What are you doing?\" as he opens drawers. He says he's getting me some film for my camera. I had wanted some. I say, \"You can't do that. This is the company, you can't steal the film. No, I will not let you.\" I walk out and get in the car. He hands me a 8-10 frame sheet of already developed negative. I have three feelings: (1) that's not very much film; (2) I can't use it, its got picture on it already; (3) I can't accept it anyway, its not mine and not right. I sort of think I see an image of Howard on the negative and think it will be an image of high school and Howard. I look closer and it is not. He says it's OK, the film will erase those images and put the new ones on, like a tape cassette you record over. I don't approve, but my resolve is wearing down. I really do like him, so I take it and we go on. Now I'm in his apartment and we are going to be married. We are very much in love and happy. I'm getting my kind of clothes ready. He shows me a door that goes downstairs to a secret room. (There's a slight feeling there are women down there, maybe a brothel.) Then he says he has to leave for awhile and will be back. I am alone and three friends come over. One says, \"Let's go down to that room and see what's there.\" I say, \"No, we can't.\" He said I wasn't to do that. They cajole and I finally agree one can go and we go down the stairs, but others I don't know follow, and it's a party I can't control. And then Jim appears at the top of the stairs, absolutely furious with me for breaking my word. We all go back up. Everyone else leaves and he is yelling at me, \"How could you?\" I then get furious at him. \"How dare you have a secret place I cannot go to?\" I hold a stick/cane and sweep whisky glasses off the bar and they smash all around Jim. He is amazed at my anger. \"You are really angry, \" he says impressed. I continued, \"How dare you not trust me? If we were honest with each other, we would have no secret places. I will not permit it. I will not accept it.\" He then leaves, angry. I am miserable. I wait for his return, crying and weeping, because I'm hurt and upset and still love him. Days pass. I toss and turn on the huge bed, the covers wrinkling and rippling as I toss and turn. I wake up and finish out the dream awake! I hear an insistent bell ringing from the secret room. Finally I must go see -- maybe it's him or about him. I go down the stairs. A man near death from gun shot wounds comes past way up and says, \"Tell Jim the key is 2908.\" He dies and then Jim returns. He is exhausted and glad and amazed. I am still there. I tell him the code, which saves his life. He is a spy for CIA or something. We embrace, still loving each other." }, { "number": "1920", "head": "08/16/91", "content": "I am standing in a neighborhood street with other women. A huge diesel truck pulls right up to us in an aggressive, belligerent way. It's a stand off. A very tall, strong, almost robotic Swartzenegger type gets out. They want to scare me, intimidate me. I do feel scared and know I must not back down. He looks way down at me and says, \"I'll pick you up.\" I know this will hurt, but I still stay. He puts his hands and fingers right at the sides of the ribs and I'm not sure if his he is going to break my ribs in his grip or just tickle me to death. Either prospect is unpleasant to contemplate. He lifts me high up and I wait. Then I notice I'm in the tree tops and I reach up and grab some small, leafy branches and pull myself out of his grasp by going up in the direction he was putting me (sort of Tai Chi, going with the flow of energy). I scramble among the branches, hoping to find someone that is strong enough to take my weight and small enough (flexible enough to lean with my weight and ease me back down to the ground). I do find one and am back safely. I say to the woman, \"Did anyone call the police?\" And everyone scrambles around, grabbing telephones. Maybe ten calls went out to the police. This seems to intimidate the two trucks and they carefully back up the way they came and are gone. I now see Howard/my father. I feel strange because of the combination. Is he a peer or of the previous generation. How do I communicate and respond - with open ease or with respectful diffidence? Howard/my father says he is sad. Pete got a divorce and comes to live with him and he hasn't even talked about it with Pete. He should be better able to be emotional and open. I realize I've lived in the same house with Pete for some time now and haven't talked at all. I feel bad. Pete is coming to dinner and I want to talk to him about the divorce and feelings." }, { "number": "1921", "head": "08/17/91", "content": "I am a Desert Storm soldier and am under dire straits and running for our own lives. In order to save myself, I must dig a hole in the sand and bury myself. I wake up and manage to breathe by carefully tuning my nose right at the surface. I wait. I am close enough to our own lines to see and hear the men talking. One notices me and I explain what's going on. He's an officer and he orders me to stay put until he tells me to move. Time passes, days, and I stay. I somehow manage to adapt and survive. I even figure out how to get food. A soldier comes by and brings me a piece of K-meat. I don't accept contaminated meat; however, I have standards, you know. So I see him take it to another soldier, a \"cooks,\" and he tests it. First, it's old and then it's contaminated. He throws it out and gets me a good one, dropping it in my sand pile, pretending it as an accident. I sort of realize that if he can move around out there, I could too, but I wait. I have my orders. Weeks pass. I shift my position and re-dig a better hole. Now I see an older man, a mayor, a big wig who is returning to his home to see the enemy soldiers have captured his wife, a pudgy woman in a yellow dress. She's about to be executed. The line-up reminds me of a wedding party lined up at the alter. She sees her husband and says, \"Run for it, they have got me.\" He knows he is doomed, but goes to stand by his wife anyway. She begs him to run. She would never forgive herself if he was killed on her account. What would the neighbors say? He doesn't speak, but stoically stands with her to be executed. Time continues to pass. I see some men waiting for a bus. My sand is more like at a beach now. A young woman is camping out near me. She has a black sleeping bag. We chat and I explain why I'm there, buried in the sand. She is very sympathetic. Now I'm in a blue sleeping bag. I ask her not to be so conspicuous when she is talking to me, because it makes it obvious I'm there. She apologizes and she asks how long I have to stay there. I say, \"Until they give me my orders.\" She says, \"Shall I tell you a story?\" I say, \"Sure. Which one?\" She says, \"How about the one, \"Scary to touch\"? It's children's campfire spook story. I say, \"OK,\" and then wonder if that's a good idea. It might scare me and I'll be all alone soon when she's gone." }, { "number": "1922", "head": "08/17/91", "content": "I am combing my long hair, which is bleached blonde and dark together, maybe like growing out roots. I'd pull a loose hair and great strands would come out in my hand. I am appalled. I'll be bald soon at this rate. Then I look in the mirror. I see that when I lift up my blonde/dark hair that new growth is coming in and it's pure white. I am shocked and go into the next room to show Aunt Abigail and Dwight. I hold up the blonde/dark hair with my brush and say, \"Look at this!\" They look. Aunt Abigail exclaims, \"It's all white.\" Dwight refuses to look and sings or chants nonsense words. I call Aunt Abigail \"Elaine\" and then realize my mistake and apologize to her. I am annoyed with Dwight. I tell him so. I say, \"Hey, this is a traumatic moment here and you aren't being very responsive.\" He just chants louder. I am angry and then feel forgiveness. That's the best he can do. I don't need his approval (help), although it would be nice. I go out into another room and my father (at his age now, maybe even older) comes in and has a box. He says, \"It took some doing to get it from the rich old guy, but I got it.\" He and I unpack it carefully. It's a shamrock vase. It's a special ceramic crock to mix the special \"healing\" potion in. It's upside down and we carefully put it right side up. I blow dust off it and have decided to wash it thoroughly before we start. If we're going to all this trouble, we might as well do it right. There's something about finding other stuff and Aunt Abigail. My father and I carry the vase to another room. I look toward a window. We are talking. He says, \"We don't take the bus. We drive in each time we see the doctor. It's easier that way.\" I nod and notice a big \"fatty tumor\" on his ear and he has a fat lip. He looks old and a little ill. I feel a bit of concern." }, { "number": "1923", "head": "08/18/91", "content": "A woman is the boss. She tells us what to do. We volunteer to help at a store. It's been a hard day and I'm starting to go home. I pass a beat-up car in the grass and think I've seen that image before. Why am I seeing it again? It must mean something. Maybe I dreamed it. Another woman and I walk past (I'm in my wheelchair) the candy section in the store. She pulls off a box and opens it. I remember we get things for free because we work there. I say, \"Wait,\" and turn to look at the selections. I see the ice-cream section and wonder if there's any sugar-free ones. I see the cookie section. There's a machine. The boss woman put dough in it and huge, sticky rolls come out. They aren't quite done right, a bit doughy but still delicious. People are eating them. I try a bite, wondering if all that sugar will affect my irregular heart beat. The boss woman is crazy and goes off. I guess she dies. The other woman says to me, \"At least I talked Sweet Liberty from walking.\" She felt proud of that. (Sweet liberty is a woman who is upset at the crazy boss woman and almost left.) I offer to help at the counter and the other woman says no, there's not much I can do, being disabled. All I could do would be the easy parts that everyone wants to do, like the cash register. I say, \"Now don't be too hasty. Let's check it out. I might be more help to you than you think.\" [BL]" }, { "number": "1924", "head": "08/18/91", "content": "I'm preparing for a math test. I'm not good at math and I tell people that. I have pages to study and I am trying to read them and quickly memorize as much as I can. It's time for the test. I go into a room off a living room. A brother is in the living room playing his radio loud. It distracts me. I am vaguely aware of a double screen window (see- through) where a woman is observing me. She hears me complain about the music and turns it off. I open the test packet and conscientiously try to answer without cheating. The woman or I am pleased, I'm doing the best I honestly can." }, { "number": "1925", "head": "08/20/91", "content": "I am walking up a gravel road. I turn and look. The view is breathtaking, huge and beautiful. I am surrounded by mountains, rugged and covered with trees. A strong-colored sunset colors the entire scene of thick clouds and mountains in shades of purples, pinks and so on. The clouds cover the mountain peak. I think about going back to the hotel and getting my camera, but I know that I won't get a good picture; more the pity, because 1) the clouds obscure the peak, and 2) it would take too long and the beauty would be gone by the time I got back. So I stand there, looking intently all around. A huge, noisy jet plane is flying to the right. I can't see it because it's above the clouds, or rather in the clouds. It disturbs the beauty. I see a Bic lighter on the ground: litter." }, { "number": "1926", "head": "08/20/91", "content": "I am deeply in love with a priest (Gregory Peck). I cannot speak of my love to him because it is wrong. He loves me too. I go up to him (he's big and wearing ornamental robes). I lay my hands on his chest and say goodbye. I (I am Deborah Kerr) turn and walk away, feeling my grief intensely. Then I am standing under a tree. A man dressed in Robin hood-like clothes (ordinary clothes, not a priest's robe) comes under the tree with me. It is the man I love who has given up the priesthood. I stare at him, knowing on the unconscious level it is he. He moves tree branches like he's closing the curtains on a window for privacy. I wait, filled with love, wonderment and happiness and sadness. We are about to kiss." }, { "number": "1927", "head": "08/20/91", "content": "I am in a school room that's sort of out in the wilderness area near a river. I am helping the teacher. In fact, I'm a student teacher. I point up on the blackboard to some colored shapes and ask if any of the kids can show me the yellow squiggly ones. Mike (of 3rd Grade I taught) comes up and tries, but just doesn't understand. I then notice the children are leaving in the middle of the lesson. They are out and walking in the river. The teacher (other woman) comes in to critique my lesson. She asks me about my hair and wants to know if its length had always been the same. She asks questions about the color of it. I am impatient. I really want a critique of my work and she doesn't seem to be anywhere near that subject. Even things closely related to the lesson are not to the point. I feel frustrated." }, { "number": "1928", "head": "08/28/91", "content": "I am at a large church (Unitarian?). I am holding a small girl (8 or 9?). We are standing and hugging. It feels sweet and tender as we rock back and forth. The church service is over. As I am walking out, with the crowd, I see a man named \"Bill\" smiling at me from a pew across the room. He seems to like me. I smile back, a little uncertain. He tells me, as I'm passing him, that he'd been in the economics lab (or electronics lab) across from my classroom and had been admiring me from afar. He seems like a nice guy, bearded. I go on, because I'm walking and can't do that for long. Now we are outside and Mabel passes me. I say to her, I'm B, thinking she wouldn't recognize me standing up. She turns and smiles. Her son Matt comes up behind me. He picks me up and carries me for awhile. He seems very slim and I am concerned he'll tire or hurt himself. I lean back carefully (leaning over backwards?) to try and be comfortable without causing him discomfort. He puts me down and says his shoulders are starting to hurt. I rub his back with my hand in a patting gesture and say, \"We don't want you to get hurt. That wouldn't do.\" We walk on. I look up and see we are walking up a very steep hill covered with ice. I feel concern that I'll slip and fall. Somehow I manage. I see a mountain and realize we've walked over the Cascades and are in Central (state). I say, \"I like the air better over here. It's clearer.\" Then I ask Matt, as I'm getting tired, \"Is this the way to my parents?\" He says no. I say, \"Then why am I doing this?\" (using energy), and he says, \"It's the way to God.\" We continue walking up the icy path." }, { "number": "1929", "head": "08/28/91", "content": "Both my mother and father have died. I am crying and very sad. I have to find a black outfit to wear. I want to wear all black. I can't find any. I frantically dig through my mother's closet and find a few possibilities. Then I look in another room. Behind a chest of drawers that is blocking the doorway, I see my suitcase. I rifle through it, spreading my papers far and wide as I grab for a black and gold striped blouse. I put it on. It's sort of see-through and I can see my bra. I see it's a maternity/nursing bra, partially opened, revealing part of my breast. I can't figure out how to close the snaps. I take off that blouse and continue my frantic search. I say to myself, sobbing, \"I don't want to be late; please, God, don't let me be late.\" I feel I'll miss the ceremony. Gritting my teeth, I am determined to choose the next clothes item I find. It's a flower print blouse. I put it on and run for the car. I see the hearse with it's 14-21 seats is gone (I had seen it earlier each seat was separate from each other so the mourners could have privacy). I get in the back seat of a beige-colored convertible and it starts going as I'm still trying to button my blouse. I get out and try to steer it by leaning it this way or that. It's light and goes back and forth easily." }, { "number": "1930", "head": "08/29/91", "content": "I am on a date with this man. It's our first date. If we each pass the inspection test of the other, we may marry. He takes me to his apartment to show me (introduce me) to his things. It is important how I react to them. He has a huge warehouse-like room and furniture is in there like it was a store. I see ornate refurbished old-fashioned stoves (like I saw on TV) that cost 4 to 6 thousand dollars, lovely and well made (maybe 1920's style or earlier and some 1950's). There is lots of stuff. He looks at me, waiting and watching my reactions. I say, \"May I look around?\" He says, \"Yes.\" This is all so serious. I look around and see a huge cupboard. I open it and see many loaves of bread, maybe 20 or more lined up on a bread board. I pull it out and look at the bread. I'm amazed there is so much. I make no comment. He is somewhat anxious, wondering how I'm feeling about all this. Do I feel accepting? Do I understand? I know now that he's the one and we will get married. I'm walking toward him to tell him so when a younger brother of his rushes in with the disturbing news that his mother is having an affair with Ethan. How inopportune. I must deal with this before I can marry this man. It is my duty to take the mother and Ethan aside and straighten them out (like a parent with teens). The man starts to go to the other room to wait this out, but I call him over and kiss him long and lovingly to let him know I've accepted him and everything is all right between us. He and I keep kissing because it's a wondrous feeling of connectedness, but we must part temporarily so I can take care of this interruption. He goes into another room. I follow the mother and Ethan into their living room. It is also huge and full of furniture, ritzy, very expensive stuff. I see Ethan seated, waiting to be chastised. The mother reminds me a bit of Thea. As I'm about to get the information, Ethan says, \"I hope there won't be racial implications here.\" \"What racial?\" I ask, thinking he's stalling. I then remember he's Italian. \"The Italian Stud\" stereotype is what he's referring to. I hear a loud and annoying buzzing and realize it's my wheelchair battery recharger. I must plug it in. I say, \"Wait a minute,\" and walk around with this long extension cord looking for a plug in. I finally find one tiny one on a wall and plug it in. The noise is so loud we have to shout. It's hard to hear. Ethan suggests we go to the other end of this huge room. I agree. As we are walking through the rich furnishings, I tell \"Terence,\" a cousin or younger brother, to take the recharger out of the room and shut the double doors; maybe it will be quieter that way. He does. Ethan says something about Dwight. I say, \"Who is Dwight?\" He had meant his son and at first I thought he had meant my man. I now realize Ethan has had at least three wives. I find it amusing. I'll be related by marriage to Ethan. He'll be like a father-in-law. As we walk, the mother points out a coffee table made of giant clocks and says, \"My watches, they are my watches.\" Ethan walks beside me, showing me snapshots that are very long for panoramic shots. He's showing me scenes from a production of his. I see a Venus de Milo type laying in an ocean. As he shows the snaps, a sort of story unfolds. A half human, half creature (sort of mermaid) is in the waters and comes near the shore to be able to kiss a pony who is on land. Meanwhile I see a naked Ethan with a hairy chest and back (like my father) in a huge vase/pot so he looks like a centaur. Now the snaps are of the pony lying on land at the water's edge and his inching along on his side trying to get into the water so they can kiss." }, { "number": "1931", "head": "09/02/91", "content": "I am playing my father's trumpet (no keys), no fingering holes; just use your lips, throat and wind to create notes. I do it very well and impress my parents. They go into a bedroom and make love (my parents). I am in a swimming pool. I go to a far corner in the shallow end and masturbate. It's not much fun or satisfying. I dive into the deep end of the swimming pool and go deep. I am concerned and struggle to the surface. I then go for the shallow end where I'll be safe. The bottom of the shallow end is sandy. A man/creature threatens me. I hit it and it falls unconscious to the bottom. Now I have to rescue it. It will drown like that. I pull it out. Andrea has a male client who is perverted in some way (perhaps sexual). She's being tested with lots of interruptions. She tries hard to be there for him. He even says it's OK to attend to the other things. A group of women come in. One woman (Rebecca?) says of the man, \"Oh, I knew you when you were a boy.\" I see them standing in a circle holding a boy in the Sea of Galilee. They are helping him float." }, { "number": "1932", "head": "09/04/91", "content": "I'm driving a car or VW bus. I am alone. There is some kind of car trouble, and I say something like \"Darn it!\" A man suddenly sits up from the backseat. He has white powder on his face (like Amazon Warrior on TV or comedy thing where a guy gets hit in face with make up pillow). I am scared. Is he going to hurt me? He pulls out a knife and shows me the blade. He doesn't threaten me, just implies I'll get cut if I don't cooperate. I drive on. Now my car swerves. \"Oh, no,\" I say, He asks what's wrong. \"The tires are going bad\" I say. \"Slow down,\" he says. I pull over to the side of the road. He gets out. There's a man and a woman in the front seat with us now. The woman goes with the knife guy. He tells me to stay in the car and get some rest. I lay down in the back seat. Apparently I'd been up driving for hours and he needs me to be alert to drive. So I lay down, aware of this other blonde, crew-cut man still in front seat. He gets out and walks around the car to the open back seat at my feet. I'm in trouble and I know it. He crawls in and on top of me. Rape. I started yelling, \"Help me. help me.\" He's trying to put his hand over my mouth. I struggle and bite. Two people who are sitting ahead of the car on the side of the road come towards us to help. The man gets off me and goes out into a cow field and starts shooting people at random. First he has a pistol and then a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun. I am appalled. He's coming back to me to kill me. He shoots a woman in the belly. He aims the gun for me. People mill around. A man is seated in the back seat where I am. The killer comes to the back window and looks in. He has a flame thrower and is trying to light it. The man in the seat with me picks up a huge lighter and flames it and points it back at the killer's mouth. Somehow the killer swallowed a grenade or bullet in his attempt to load the flame thrower and so this flame, on the inside of the window glass, is supposed to heat him up so he'll explode. The flame catches around his mouth. A Native American woman like Theresa stands next to him and I violently motion to her to get away. I didn't want her killed in the explosion and I hoped the killer doesn't understand my gestures. He's taking a long time to explode and he gets his flame thrower pointed at me. Once I got out of car, but he came around and I got back in. The flames hit the inside of the elbow (crook of arm) and I feel burning pain. We are waiting and hoping he'll explode." }, { "number": "1933", "head": "09/05/91", "content": "I am put by some force in a house isolated by many miles on the beach. At first I don't want to enter, not knowing if I'm supposed to or not. Maybe someone lives there and I'm trespassing. Finally I go in, calling out, \"Anybody home?\" I live there alone. Now I'm going up a path that seems almost like a tunnel and it opens up to a huge beautiful lawn and a mansion. My neighbor is very rich. He's getting ready to go hunting. The dogs are huge and straining at the leash. I walk up and pet the dogs, looking unafraid of their potential power and danger. I do feel a tiny bit of concern but in general know these dogs like me. They like me so well, they refuse to obey their master's command to go hunt and hang around me to be petted. This actually pleases the master, who smiles approvingly. There are jealous ladies in the house." }, { "number": "1934", "head": "09/05/91", "content": "A man who is stupid (mr?) or behaves stupid, lives in a rich mansion. I am there and feel sure that somewhere in this man is intelligence. I am convinced that he'd been treated badly as a boy and that's why he behaves like he doesn't know anything. I look out a window and see a huge bay or backwater. A man is wading, looking for the spot where treasure is. He thinks he finds it in a corner near the land by the house. His pants are up to his thighs and the water up to his knees. He doesn't find the treasure. The water isn't as deep as I thought it would be. Instead he swoops down and picks up a pair of thick black-framed sunglasses with rhinestones on the side pieces. He goes off with it. I yell out, \"Hey, don't you take that; it's mine.\" He runs off. I go back in the house, concerned and intrigued by the man. The key word to his problems is, \"boy.\" I see his father, an older, balding man, and speak with him. I confront him and say it was his bad treatment that made the man stupid. The father is arrogant and emotionally flippant. I tell him I want to investigate the man/boy's past. He agrees and seems quite willing in a negligent way to supply all the stored things remaining of the past. He brings me, one box at a time, three boxes, big flat ones. I open them and find a leather cowboy chaps/pants the boy wore. I find a yellow heavy plastic playsuit. It's cute and in excellent condition. I find some grade reports, a teacher's note in the 1st grade music book. I can pinpoint the problem to the 1st or 2nd grade, but nothing conclusive. I begin to suspect the father knows that and that's why he's cooperating. I go to visit his teacher. She says the boy always had problems." }, { "number": "1935", "head": "09/06/91", "content": "I am in a village, a beginning of someday larger city. It's tents and open canvas over tables. I have a store where I sell things. It's sort of primitive like an Alaskan camp in the old days. Someone (maybe Aunt Elaine) says, \"Let's go down to the house and get what we can.\" It's a damaged house, maybe winds or fire, and we'll collect what is salvageable. It's an outing. It will be fun. I go get my wallet and pick out little white ceramics of animals. It's a collection, horses standing up rearing and other animals. They were in my change purse in my wallet. There's something about a small bottle of milk. I drink some. (The bottle is like a small apple juice bottle.) Then I try to rinse it out by submerging it in water, either a sink or a toilet. The milk emerges with the water. My mother is there somewhere. Now I'm on a sailboat, and the sail isn't unfurled. Another woman and I (Joni Woodward, in Rachael movie) are on the boat and it's getting dark. We push the boat into a side backwater area because the winds will be high at night; we'll be safe in this little harbor. The woman lies down and I am aware that we are free to spend the night together. There is a feeling of sensuality and forbidden fun. Another woman lies down and I hesitantly join them. Somehow if it were just two, it would be sexual and wrong, but three will be OK, sensual and fun and temporary. There's another sailboat out there, with men on it, two strong virile men. They don't come in for safe harbor, and it's sexual and not OK." }, { "number": "1936", "head": "09/07/91", "content": "A woman's face in background as I think about relationships." }, { "number": "1937", "head": "09/08/91", "content": "A man, sort of like Doug, has bet $2,000 he can find the golden key. He cannot afford to lose this bet. Someone places the key near the left front wheel of my chair. I get up and stand nearby watching. He looks all around and isn't finding the key. I try to give him hints. I clear my throat and look at the key significantly. No dice. I start talking about my chair very loudly, and about my left front wheel, but he just doesn't get it. I feel sorry for him. It will matter to him to lose all that money. He can ill afford to lose, but he can't seem to find what's right out there in the open, even when hinted at with clues." }, { "number": "1938", "head": "09/08/91", "content": "I go into a classroom. I haven't been there in a long time. I sit down in my seat. I have Rover, a white cat and a rat. They take their place beside me on the left, and curl up for a nap. They are well behaved, which I'm grateful for and a little surprised. I thought they'd have forgotten, it's been so long. Now I'm the teacher and giving the lesson. As I'm merrily teaching, enjoying it, I am told by several people to cool out. The students are ready to do their own lessons now and, in fact, need the practice. It is best for me to step aside now and let the natural order of things go on. I don't want to stop, but realize it is best, and I go sit back in my seat. Rover is acting up and running around." }, { "number": "1939", "head": "09/08/91", "content": "There is a grand piano. A man (graduate student) is about to give a demonstration of his work. He calls out the title, \"59 Flamenco Dancers\" and is about to start playing, when he pauses to listen. He hears someone else playing, a ghost pianist. I listen. No, that's just the typist (I hear fast typing). Then I hear fast piano music (like Flight of the Bumblebee). I now agree, it's the ghost pianist. Now the piano position is changed and there are two of them. They are positioned closer to a stage area for performance. There are some things on a shelf on the piano - big gulp plastic cups and other things. They start to shake and move. The ghost shows us his presence. Then the ghost picks me in my wheelchair up and we fly around the room fast. I'm not afraid, but excited like on a carnival ride." }, { "number": "1940", "head": "09/09/91", "content": "I am watching a production of one of my plays. I see the audience (a classroom) is restless and I realize they do not like my play. It is long and confusing and boring. There is no action. At the end, I say, \"I want feedback. It is important so I can improve. I know you don't like it, but tell me why.\" I feel pain and embarrassment and some pride, but I have the courage to face this. They tell me the first part is boring because it just goes through a history of self. The second part is more interesting because there is relationship and activity (action). I agree. Now I look for a bathroom and find a public one. I look over the stall doors to find one that's empty. I find one where the toilet is sideways. I go in and use it. As I go out, I remember I left my Bic cigarette lighter (green). I think of Andrea and how she's getting critiqued. I go back in and look for the lighter and find it." }, { "number": "1941", "head": "09/09/91", "content": "I'm looking for the sugar-free candies. I ask the owner (male, older). He isn't sure, so I poke around. I go to the end where two piles of candy are. One pile has a wrapping; looks like a miniature package of baloney. I'm trying to read the ingredients and can't really see the words. I lean on the counter, my butt sticking out. The owner says, \"Look, that man is here and he's with your wife.\" I look up and see a woman with dark hair and am more interested in seeing the ingredients of this candy. I pay no more attention to the couple. He's stealing her and she's a slut, so who cares." }, { "number": "1942", "head": "09/10/91", "content": "The \"h's\" are missing. Words like Christ and Christmas now are Crist." }, { "number": "1943", "head": "09/10/91", "content": "I'm leaving a big dorm-like house, choosing the people I want to say cafe to. Hugging. I go out and see that my van has been stripped. All four tires are gone. Someone says, \"Don't worry. We're fixing it back up.\" I see a gas station. I go back into the building to get the rest of my stuff. I'd been too quick to leave and hadn't gathered up all my possessions. I go upstairs and look in the different rooms and get stuff." }, { "number": "1944", "head": "09/11/91", "content": "I am cleaning up my office and there are lots of books and magazines. I decide to give some away to the community college library and feel this is a good idea." }, { "number": "1945", "head": "09/11/91", "content": "I am dressed as a man, 1800's, a cowboy hat and a business suit. I'm driving a wagon and come to a town owned by a greedy man. He charges too much for everything. So I decide to stay outside the city limits in my own wagon and be self-sufficient. I ask where the line is and go beyond it. I sleep in the wagon and have food. Another man follows me and watches. He knows I'm female (or suspects it) and seems protectively interested in me. He's leaning against a door jamb and I am also, looking up at the profile of his face, searchingly. (see drawing)" }, { "number": "1946", "head": "09/12/91", "content": "I am watching a movie. Ernie and his boys are there, maybe Ginny too. Ding is in the movie. Later I talk to Ding and tell her I'm working hard on my issues as a full-time counselor, and then I amend that and say I haven't seen her for weeks. Actually I'm thoroughly searching my dreams for the answers, who, what, when, why. I'll find out what happened. She's not terribly interested." }, { "number": "1947", "head": "09/12/91", "content": "I am in a room. Outside the room are empty jail cells and school rooms. No one else is there. I am aware someone is trying to kill me. The door opens and a white pail with a thin creamy white liquid is put in the room. I realize it's an explosive and I run, grab a broom and sweep it out of the room. I slam the door, but the broom with some of the liquid on it gets back in the room, by the door. I go to the center of the room and wait. It all explodes. I am unhurt. Now a man is in the room with me and he says intently, \"I'm hungry.\" He looks at a bowl of mush and I look and it's covered with mold (big mixing bowl). I grab it and run for the sink and turn on the faucet to wash it down the drain before he tries to eat it and get sick. I also have a banana I'd brought in from my lunch and it swells up with water. I'm going to give it to the man because I know it's not poisoned because it came with me, but then I realize I'd best protect myself and eat it or I'd have no food. I squeeze or \"milk\" the water out (also a white liquid); it gets skinny and flaccid. I take a bite out of it (or break off a piece and eat it). I remain on the alert because there's other ways I could get killed here. The man says, \"Oh I didn't realize they wanted us to marry/have sex.\" He goes on to explain how he isn't very careful and doesn't let the rubbers warm up properly. He's following me around and I say to him, \"Please stop talking like this. I'm scared; people are trying to kill me and this isn't helping.\"" }, { "number": "1948", "head": "09/13/91", "content": "I am laying down in a car (station wagon type) with blankets and pillows like a bed. I realize that men are going to try and break in and I reach over to lock the doors. A man intends to hurt me. I get out of the car and run. They chase. I go into my house and try to lock doors. I call 911 and hide under the telephone table. The woman who answers the phone is a nurse. She's impersonal and taking her time. I ask her to tell the police to come to 837 A. Street. [the names Steven V and Victor, a feeling of lots of mean men are out to hurt me. [BL]" }, { "number": "1949", "head": "09/13/91", "content": "I'm in my wheelchair and am getting some tickets in a packet handed to me. \"What's this?\" I ask, surprised. \"They've changed how they do this,\" says the man. \"Now you get three tickets, you can use them for three events, or two events with one more person.\" I point to a notice of prizes and ask if I get those too. He's annoyed with me for not understanding because he's already explained. I am confused and he goes through the three tickets routine again, and because things are changed, we don't get the free prizes anymore. \"OK,\" I say, and go to a house (a huge house with lots of rooms). I want to change my clothes for this new event. I'm told by my helpers (Cindy L. of MIUSA) and Merle that we're to wear a special costume. That's what these special spiritual (psychological) helpers do at this kind of meeting. I guess we're sort of like student associates and anyone who is disabled is automatically allowed in free. I'm annoyed by that. I look through my closet, which is large and filled. I can't find what I want and go to another room where several closets are also filled. I comment that later I will go through and clean out the closets and get rid of old ones I never wear. I get my outfit together - a red velvet tunic, my Robin Hood hat (red velvet), and tights. I borrow boots from Cindy. I'm ready to go to the meeting (maybe one of the freebie prizes was a small box of colored pencils and crayons)." }, { "number": "1950", "head": "09/15/91", "content": "Live rage (like my body is formed by rage. I must get it out.)" }, { "number": "1951", "head": "09/15/91", "content": "A male dog and I are watching a female dog as she gives birth to a litter of puppies. I wonder if this seems strange and incomprehensible to the male dog. I see a small face of a puppy just inside the swollen vulva of the dog and then five puppies are born. They lay in little heaps in the dirt and I watch the female dog go to each one, sniff, lick and place her tongue under the tongue of each one. I watch the eyes of one that doesn't seem to be responding and as she places her tongue under it, its eyes come to life and I know its all right. Now we're going to a town. The puppies, the mama dog and I are on the roof of a school bus that the male dog is driving. We have to go to a hostile town to save the children. I'm writing notes on yellow lined paper and addressing cards. As we pull into town, we know we are in danger from the adults. They will \"hound\" us and try to prevent us from getting our messages to the children. As we drive into town, the female dog goes into the bus and I hand down the puppies one at a time to alternating sides, first to the waiting male paw on the left, then to the waiting female paw on the right. I stay up there and throw the messages out to mailboxes, hoping the kids get them before the adults. Now we have to run for it. We drive fast (I get inside) and we are following a tightly curved road around and find a huge body of water. Our road narrows until it disappears, but we keep going anyway, maybe even directly on the water. We get away." }, { "number": "1952", "head": "09/15/91", "content": "I am escaping down a thin tunnel and I'm too fat, I say. A man says, \"Nah! Just 15 lbs. You can fit. Squeeze through.\"" }, { "number": "1953", "head": "09/15/91", "content": "Robin Hood outfit. Changing in a hall and people come through I'm caught with my pants down. I'm a teacher of writing. I had intended to do a \"Birds of a Feather\" performance, but the writers/students were so enthusiastic they peppered me with questions and I used all the time lecturing about how to be a good writer." }, { "number": "1954", "head": "09/15/91", "content": "There is a war. Battleships are sinking. I'm on a plane." }, { "number": "1955", "head": "09/16/91", "content": "I am in front of the Bon Marche store and suddenly women quickly gather and rush in. I go in and ask what's going on. It's a big sale. So I go around looking at things. I see a harmonica, different than a blues harp, and I try it. I can easily play music, and check the price. It's on sale for $42.00, marked down from $55.00. That's a lot of money, but it's so easy to play. I buy it. Now I'm walking upstairs and wondering if there's an elevator and if I'll make it far without my wheelchair. On the 2nd floor it's rough going. A circular cloth covers the whole area and the only place to walk is at the edge where the cloth snaps into the wall. I hang on and nearly slip and fall, but manage to make it. Now I'm outside and see Mary Allgier. I show her my harp and explain it won't bend notes but I still have my blues harp to do that. Then I do some blues riffs saying words like \"train, chuga chuga\" into the harp. and blowing train whistle notes. I'm impressed and so is Mary [more about talking with a man]." }, { "number": "1956", "head": "09/20/91", "content": "I'm staying overnight in a house. There is a dispute going on between the female neighbor and the male owner. They are hassling each other and I'm caught in the middle. For example, he calls on the phone and let's it ring repeatedly. This interrupts my attempts to sleep. I get up and the woman comes in with ducks and geese and let's them wander all over the house. I know they will poop all over. I say, \"I'd like you to leave now,\" and she pretends she's forgotten the geese and ducks and says she'll be back Tuesday morning. I ask her to take the fowl home now. I don't want to be the accidental victim of their \"war\" and try not to get drawn into it. It's hard not to." }, { "number": "1957", "head": "09/20/91", "content": "Two men who sort of remind me of Howard are nice and like me. One is a rock star (only John Fischer, the TV weatherman) He walks up to me and kisses me. He's leaving on tour in a few moments, so I know I'm safe. He leans me into the back wall of a station wagon (we're standing outside). Then he pauses, closes the back hatch and walks us to the front of the car because we might get tempted by the bed in the back of the car. I like his kisses and regret when he has to leave. I get in my car and wave goodbye as he leaves in his car. I hand him my name and address." }, { "number": "1958", "head": "09/24/91", "content": "I have many knitting projects, baby sweaters, cardigans for adults. I keep picking up one, knitting a few stitches and putting it down, picking up the next, etc. I keep dropping stitches off the end and it's very frustrating. Now I see a baby girl has dumped macaroni and cheese into the sink and I'm upset. What a waste. I lecture her and spank her. Someone chastises me and I realize I'm not very caring toward the baby. I feel remorse." }, { "number": "1959", "head": "09/30/91", "content": "A man and a woman want to make love and are looking for a place where they can be private. A man hides in closets and the woman goes from closet to closet looking for him. She sees a boy coming to the closet to hang up his hats. This bothers her because he'll find their closet and interrupt. He goes in and is now in his own room. Three puppets are hung up on the hat rack. He's afraid of one of them because it has huge black circles for eyes and looks scary. He calls to his daddy who says there's nothing to worry about. Then the two male puppets are moving and talking. One turns to the other and wants to make love, so the other one becomes a \"female\" and they have sex. I feel orgasm. A voice says, \"That's OK, they are doing this because they are not really homosexual, they are both\" (meaning bi-sexual). [BL]" }, { "number": "1960", "head": "09/30/91", "content": "I am trying to park my car and some man has his car in my space and has a baby in a box or carriage. I pull up next to him and it's a tight fit because a third car is to my right. I tell him not to worry, I'll be careful, and that I have a right to park here. I get out and walk across the parking lot to my apartment. It's in a \"hall\" or row of apartments. The first and second one looks nice, and each one after that looks progressively more old and broken down. I live in the first one. I have to walk up four or five steps and it's hard to do. I wonder why it's not accessible. I go in and drop a tape cassette on the floor and then need to find it. I search and search and find lots of other junk. It's a big mess and it's all my roommates stuff. She's very sloppy. I then walk through the rooms - the kids' bedroom and the kitchen. The kitchen is huge and there are four tables (two are hers) and covered with leftover breakfast stuff. I think, \"Why am I putting up with this?\" and then wonder how I'd manage with her gone - all that room in the kitchen. But I do decide to ask her to move. She and her boyfriend are angry and come after me. I run outside and see the nice man I parked next to. I go behind him and he readily jumps into the fray and runs the two meanies away. I thank him and apologize for using him as a shield. It was MY fight, after all. He is fine about it and was happy to help. I then go visit Ginny and Ernie who are busy. They'd been selling their things at a very cheap price. They are telling me how awful it feels to sell nice things they paid good money for, for just a few dollars. I ask Ginny why they're doing that. It doesn't make much sense. Are they in financial difficulties? I look at Ginny and see Ernie seated in a high chair (baby's) and am surprised. I didn't see them switch sides and am not used to Ernie in that position! I want them to meet my new roommate. We walk across the street to my place. Again, I am aware of having a hard time walking up the stairs. I open the door and the living room is well picked up and very neat. The nice man and lots of his children are there. It's like a pre-school room - some watching TV, some napping on the couch. He points to a box and I ask, \"What's it's name?\" ( a baby that on closer inspection is a stuffed animal that's alive). He's green and cuddly and his name is Elmer. I pet him and exclaim, \"He's purring.\" I think he's cute. There's a sense of comfort with my new roommate situation." }, { "number": "1961", "head": "10/01/91", "content": "Ellie is being forced by a man to have \"dominance\" sex. She agrees and asks for more information on how to do that to his satisfaction. I observe and realize she made the right decision. Dominance sex is preferable to death." }, { "number": "1962", "head": "10/02/91", "content": "I am holding Charla, who is overweight like Mateo. I feel upset that Ellie permits this to happen. Ellie comes in and I struggle with my need to help Charla and a wish not to hurt Ellie (or not to be yelled at by Ellie when she gets defensive). I choose to be honest with my feelings and say, \"I know you don't want to hear this and that I promised I wouldn't, but I have to tell you this for Charla's sake.\" I go on quickly. I am eloquent and empathetic (I think) and she hates hearing it, but bears up well, not yelling or interrupting, but shuddering and bowing her head sometimes. I tell her she is presenting a role model for Charla that teaches her all the wrong things. I point to the mess in Charla's room where she's shredded paper and torn up her toys and I say, \"I know you think she's destructive, but look what's she's learned from.\" We walk through the rooms and I point out mess after mess. \"And here, I know, is my mess. But, be honest, if it weren't there, yours would be.\" Then I'm in bed. Someone comes into the room and I struggle to open my eyes. I wonder if it is Aunt Millie who I had seen outside napping on an ambulance stretcher. I pull up my sunglasses and see Ellie laying down across my body. She says, \"Hold me, Mama\" in a baby-like, heart-breaking tone." }, { "number": "1963", "head": "10/04/91", "content": "Paulina seems remote and not emotionally connected. Then her older sister (maybe Ellie) cries and asks Paulina to forgive her for setting her up to be so remote. They hug and Paulina is now emotionally freer. She and I hug warmly. Now she wants me to come to her home in another state. I say, oh, I'd rather not. I don't like the mountains, the high altitude,\" but I relent and say, \"B ut if you're going to insist and live there, I'll have to breakdown and learn to live with rarified air.\" Now we're in her car, she's driving and we're going over the mountains. She shows me huge mountains and snow slopes. We marvel that even on the hottest day of summer, there is still snow. Then it starts snowing and Paulina is concerned. The driving is going to be dangerous and slick so she prepares to be alert. She says to me, \"Don't make any of your silly noises, ok?\" She's asking me not to suddenly do any of my comedic stuff that might startle her and break her concentration. She's being polite. I assure her I'll be good. I tell her to relax. I trust she'll do well. We drive through the falling snow and suddenly it's all gone and the summer day is beautiful. I am so taken by the beauty, I ask Paulina to pull up so I can take pictures. She pulls up, turns the car around and I get out with my camera. The large purple flowers are wonderful and I try to use my close-up lens, but somehow what I see alludes the auto focus camera eye and only \"ordinary\" stuff gets focused. I'm disappointed and look around for a better subject and am very drawn to the beauty of the moment - the mountains, the flowers and a huge wide river that I realize is actually the highway we are driving on." }, { "number": "1964", "head": "10/06/91", "content": "Something about taking some from the old and some from the new and it will balance." }, { "number": "1965", "head": "10/06/91", "content": "Bonnie and carpenter ants are in the house. I feel one on my leg. I don't know how to get rid of them." }, { "number": "1966", "head": "10/09/91", "content": "I see my mother rushing to help Aunt Rosalie. My mother straightens up some clothes and puts them where she wants them, even though Rosalie has different ideas. My mother is pushy and controlling. I turn to Aunt Millie and say, \"She is so annoying.\" Aunt Millie says, \"You should have seen her as we grew up!\" I see my mother's intense, determined, angry face and I think, \"How sad, that was my mother, my 'nurturing' part.\" [BL]" }, { "number": "1967", "head": "10/09/91", "content": "Younger brothers. A John Belushi type owns a night club where I work. I wear a sexy red dress and John is hot to trot. He grabs me and kisses me. I push him away. I walk out. Then his younger brother, Jim, who loves me and is shy, drives the car to help me get away. I can feel his intense sexual desire and am touched by his willingness to leave me alone rather than harass me. I turn into his arms and respond lovingly and sexually. We are very happy." }, { "number": "1968", "head": "10/10/91", "content": "I am flying a plane, or I am flying, not sure which. A man loves me and is supportive. Another man is trying to win the race with me and is quite willing to kill me, if need be, to be the victor. It's neck and neck, we are evenly matched. I am barely ahead of him. He tries to crash into me and I go straight up to override him. I come to the ceiling (with fire protection sprinklers on it). He climbs up and tries to shoot me. I duck and dive and twist all around and then am the winner. He crashes. I go into a building where my supportive male friend waits. Now there's some kind of difficulty affecting the land. I must live in this one room place and wait. I then go to a grocery store, hoping I'm not too late and all the food I need or want is already gone. I do find what I need - milk, eggs, butter, meat for meatloaf. I go back to my room. The prince (my supportive male) is there. The grocery store man becomes the queen of the land. There is some question if another will usurp my prince's rightful place. Now we're at a reception and everyone dotes on us, giving expensive gifts. The leering, fat man touches the cleavage of my breasts and I say, \"Stop that.\" My prince gets possessive and says, \"Stop that.\" The fat man just grins and winks." }, { "number": "1969", "head": "10/18/91", "content": "Josh is hiring for a new C. department chair. I am there, thinking I might apply. He says, \"Those meetings of hatred are only eight times a year.\" This is supposed to make me feel better about applying for the position." }, { "number": "1970", "head": "10/21/91", "content": "Ginny gives me a present, her old weights which are flat and rectangular. We are amiably chatting as she gives them to me, and I put one on my feet and try to do a leg lift. The feet, because they are crooked, move and I keep dropping the weights. I keep trying, aware that I am overdue for the exercise. Then she goes to fix lunch and I step into the bathroom to pee. As I pull down my pants, I notice the toilet bowl is starting to overflow slowly. I decide to pee anyway. As I am peeing, Ernie opens the door. He has to go pee and is waiting his turn. His pants are down around his knees. He stands out there telling me about this experience he had at work. I'm a little amazed he'd be that open and casual with me and I'm a little embarrassed to be caught peeing into an overflowing toilet, but we chat like nothing unusual is happening. He says he made a mistake in his PR presentation which he presented on the other company's film machine which had a mistake in it. I sympathized, \"Just like being caught in a do loop,\" I say. He agrees. I get done and get up and he goes over to pee. I apologize for the messy overflow and he accepts it fine. I go into the bedroom. Ginny is calling to us to hurry and join her for lunch. I look at myself in the mirror and see my new weights are now a red bra I wear over my regular one and it's seen through my blouse, which is white and a bit crumpled. Ernie and I seem to be wearing a similar outfit. White shirt/blouse, beige slacks. I try to tidy up my appearance, but feel a little inadequate and embarrassed." }, { "number": "1971", "head": "10/21/91", "content": "Mary is laying in the bathtub taking a bath. My bath chair is out and I am standing, intending to bathe standing and wondering if I'll be able to stand that long. Nancy comes in to scrub Mary's back and I sit on the toilet to have a watery bowel movement and hope it doesn't stink. I try to wipe myself and get some on my thumbnail. The sink is filled to overflowing. I rinse my thumb and continue to wipe my butt, which has streaks of it. Suddenly Mary yells, \"The Clinic,\" and gets up and runs so fast out of the bathroom that she doesn't even bother to open the door, she goes through the door, like she's a spirit or melts through it. I comment on that to Nancy, it is so amazing. Mary comes back very upset because she was right. She just missed her clinic appointment and it was so important. She's leaving for Mexico and wanted to know what to do if she got raped and they used knives to cut the inside of her vagina. I try to be helpful and suggest she can find some books on the subject at Paralandra's. It wouldn't be the same, but maybe it would help. [BL]" }, { "number": "1972", "head": "10/23/91", "content": "I am in some huge room like a warehouse. I'm looking for my camera. Tyler and Janet have moved it somewhere and I can't find it. A fat statue of a goddess says to me, \"Would you please take my place for awhile? I've got some stuff to do.\" I hesitate, because I don't know if it will be unpleasant or hurt or not. Then I do. She goes off and I stand in her place. Later, I go outside and am still looking for the camera. I go home, driving my van. I go in and a man from a publishing house is waiting for me with good news. He wants to publish my book. I ignore him, looking for the mail. I see two rejection letters there. I decide to go downstairs and take a swim. I go down a long flight of white stairs where the walls are up high. I keep trying to make the walls into windows, but no dice. I get to my basement and see a huge swim pool. I know some men are waiting to go swim, but I take all my clothes off and dive in; they will just have to wait. I swim well and it's very sensual and wonderful. Everyone waits for me." }, { "number": "1973", "head": "10/25/91", "content": "A nurturing male gets transformed when he sucks up others and becomes a monster." }, { "number": "1974", "head": "10/25/91", "content": "I am visiting a family. I like the father. I have a room of my own. Others share rooms. I go into the bathroom and pee on the floor next to the toilet. It keeps coming out and a huge puddle builds. Then I see a bedpan thing and sit on it to have a bowel movement. Then I rinse it into the toilet and use lots of paper towels to clean up the urine on the floor. A lot of unnecessary work! Now I go out to see the family. Lots of Mexican relatives come by to visit. I am a guest of honor. One man is dressed up in drag. I tease him about his \"lovely\" makeup and wig. The father gives me copies of all the snapshots we'd taken with the family. I move in some of them. One, I run up to join everyone and my skirts are too high and I pull them down and then I'm out of focus. Another one I'm in a group in the back, seated in my wheelchair. The photos are all on a huge piece of paper with dotted lines all around them, so you can undo them and separate them. There is also a box of papers and things. I peek in and decide to deal with it later. The father stands beside me and we put our arms around each other's waist as we stand side by side. I feel unsure if this is a proper thing to do. We release and go on. I see a baby boy playing in the tank top of the toilet and I am concerned he can't breathe. I go look and see he's all tangled up in the wires. I grab his feet and try to pull him out. I know I'm hurting him." }, { "number": "1975", "head": "10/29/91", "content": "I'm making love to Howard. It is pleasant. Then he turns and presents his butt so I can lick his penis. I'm not thrilled, but everything else is so pleasant, I guess I can accommodate him. Then I say, \"Wait, I hear Mom.\" I look and see that the bedroom door is opened. I get up and close it. I see the M City house stairs. The door is the same as my parents' M City house bedroom door. My mother is going up and down the stairs, carrying laundry. She's cleaning house. I get back in bed with Howard, but the mood is broken. His penis is flaccid. We agree to wait until later. There is a feeling of disappointment coupled with anticipation of later." }, { "number": "1976", "head": "10/31/91", "content": "I am seated at the very back of a huge theatre area, with steeply raked stairs. A woman sits behind me. Two ugly, big men in business suits sit next to me, crowding me. I hear my name being called from the stage and I get up and try to run down all those stairs; apparently I'm getting some kind of award. I get there and I'm given a prosthesis leg for my right leg and then I am challenged to get into a huge diesel truck and drive around the audience. I get in, not sure if I can do this. I struggle and get the hang of it and drive well up those stairs, around and through the audience and back down. I choose to return to the stage via a path that is barely underwater. The audience is impressed with my daring and skill. I am back on stage. They tell me I have to drive the truck again and I say no, I don't want to. Then they say, \"Give us back the prosthetic leg.\" Then there is more, about a woman who has her exhusband still around and a new man is moving in." }, { "number": "1977", "head": "11/02/91", "content": "I am in a bathtub and Ellie is shampooing my hair. She puts on too much shampoo and as I lay back in the water, I can't get it all rinsed out. Ellie is in a hurry and I insist I try and rinse more off by putting my head under the shower! The water is cool and not very much of it. I check my body temp and its only 90 degrees, a sub temperature. I feel cold and not very much energy." }, { "number": "1978", "head": "11/05/91", "content": "Mary and Nancy are starting to pack up to move out and my new roommates are moving in. The girls bring out lots of skinny, swirled candle tapers they've made and start lighting them. They form a circle on the table." }, { "number": "1979", "head": "11/12/91", "content": "I'm in a space ship flying a helicopter inside the halls, which is dangerous but necessary because if we can't open a door to get out, the whole thing will explode. We'll use the helicopter to smash the door open. Several of us open a window and that is necessary so the explosion won't harm us. As I look down, I say, \"Why don't we just jump out and run?\" Someone says, \"We might break a leg, it's so far down.\" I say, \"We could make it.\" No one responds, so I shrug and assume people think it's too risky. We go back and force the door open and run, waiting for the explosion. I notice I stand close to the ship and hope I don't get hurt with the flying glass." }, { "number": "1980", "head": "11/12/91", "content": "I'm walking down a hall, going to a meeting. The meeting is in a room where students lounge. It's crowded and noisy, so we decide to move to a meeting room at the men's PE building. I get up and start walking there. I'm wearing my Katrina birthday outfit. I see 25 dollar bills clinging to my skirt. I pick them up and see money lying on the floor and pick that up. It might be $80.00. I can't tell and I decide to keep it, even though I feel dishonest and worry that the student who lost it will need it and will be miserable about it. I see Mateo who is still 8 or 9 or 12 years old, but he's taller than I am and I think about kissing him like I would a man, but feel guilty and dishonest so I don't. He wants me to visit his classroom. I'm in a hurry, but agree and follow him. He sits and I sit in a back row and wave to him. I listen for a minute as his student teacher is unorganized and then I signal to him that I have to go. I see how fat he is and feel sorry for him. I walk down the halls and see a young woman, disabled, seated on the floor with her dig in harness. She says, \"Hi, you and Sebastian were great.\" (We played in a band together.) I say, \"Sebastian's my cousin.\" She says, \"I know.\" She knows Bonnie also. Then she tries to pick up her dog and says annoyed, \"He always thinks I'm going to pet him when I do this.\" I go on. I find the men's PE room which is under the stage. Jerome says, \"You guys aren't going to throw us out, are you? This is a meeting about student success.\" I sit on a couch and take a moment to look at the money I found. It's 500 dollars, but it's in traveler's checks made out to Morris _____ from British Columbia. I realize with relief I can't keep it and I'm now concerned about how to get to the lost and found office to return it before it closes at 5:00. Our meeting will last until 5:00 and the student will be very worried." }, { "number": "1981", "head": "11/12/91", "content": "I'm walking down a hall, going to a meeting. It is in a room where students lounge and it is crowded and noisy. So we decide to move to a meeting room at the men's PE building." }, { "number": "1982", "head": "11/13/91", "content": "I see the dead body of Robert Redford floating in a room full of water. His mouth is open in a round O and he is blue. I am disgusted, but can't keep my eyes off him. Somehow I am the murderer and he is going to extract revenge. He keeps floating toward me. I shut the glass and wood door to stop him and his body barks like a dog at the door, demanding I open it." }, { "number": "1983", "head": "11/13/91", "content": "I live on the tip of a peninsula in a tropical climate. A man has been killed or injured (a king?) and he is searching out the man who did it. He chases him around and gets him cornered as he leaps in a river exhausted. The man says, \"I'm going to take a river foot,\" meaning he will slice the tendons of his heal or will chop off his foot. The chased man nods tiredly. Anything is better than being on the constant run. He then lays his head under the water prepared to endure the pain. Someone grabs his foot up and holds it for the knife and I wonder if the man can hold his breath that long. It's going to be bloody and hurt, but the relief of being able to stop running will be worth it." }, { "number": "1984", "head": "11/14/91", "content": "I'm going to attend a school and must climb up the elaborate series of ladders to get to the classroom. I have a small girl with me. She is fearful of climbing and worried she will get lost. I say, \"Here, I'll help you.\" First we go up four rungs, then step over to another ladder and go down a few rungs, then step over to another ladder and go up. We get quite high and I become very afraid that I will fall. I stop and am unable to continue on up. I ask for help. If someone would take the little girl and get her up to safety, maybe I can make it. Another woman is with me. A man comes from above and helps the girl. Then I make it up the rest of the way. Now we are told that that was just a test and we passed the classes, are not really up here and we won't have to do that climb again. So we get into an elevator and it starts going down very fast. I notice there are no control buttons. It's taking a long time. I am amazed. It's like we were going very deep, maybe to the center of the earth. Finally we arrive. It's a large hall with open classrooms off it. I pass several areas where mostly women students are doing things. I see a lecture going on where the students are manipulating things like in a lab. I see an ornate TV set and am amazed because back in this time there are no TV sets and I say, \"Look, this is a man in a box,\" like I'd never seen TV before. Then we go to a sort of bar-like area and I go to the bar to register for my classes. Then I go outside where a swimming pool has been cleverly made out of Satellite parts. A man is searching the plants and a finds a space mold on one and he is very concerned. We are in a class system and this means something is not balanced and working right and will get worse if we don't correct the situation. He can't seem to get anyone else to be concerned and he sort of becomes an underground spy to try to correct the problem himself. I chase to help him. He and I are simpatico. Now I'm in a room and I have two Spanish-speaking roommates and it's time to get up and get dressed and go to school. I have some trouble choosing my clothes. Now I'm in a large spacious hall and a man is obsessed with love for a woman. But she won't return his love and feels pursued. He feels cold, calculating and intense. Very matter of factly, she keeps slipping away from him. Now I'm laying down sleeping and I am aware of a person standing next to me and I feel the crooked right forefinger of my mother gently touching my face. It feels very nice and sweet and I hope it's my mother and not this man. I wake up and I see \"Ginny\" and the man comes up to her. He's seated on a large thing and he would pick up her hand and place it on his head so she could caress her hair and she would remove it and he would put it back and so on. It is annoying and intense. I decide to help her and I sign up to her to turn and go down the stairs. She runs fast and I watch as the man, angry, runs after her. She turns suddenly and runs up another set of stairs. He comes up where I'm still standing. I signal her to go down the hall and get into a room quick. The man, at first fooled, comes up the stairs and I watch him and point in another direction. I hear a woman's voice down the hall and think it is Ginny and am concerned he will hear, but I look and it's some other woman talking on the show. He is fooled and goes the other way." }, { "number": "1985", "head": "11/15/91", "content": "I am in a crowd of people. We are mixing, hoping to find a love. I see Riker of Star Trek and like him. He seems attracted to me. Now it's time to play a softball game and I'm telling who is on what bases, and all the players are ready except for first base (who is on first). It is supposed to be Riker and I look up at the second story windows and yell \"Riker! you are on.\" He comes sleepily to the window; he'd been napping. He comes down. Now Troi and I are in bed together cuddling. I am aware of her lovely naked body and as we adjust or position, my hand accidentally brushes past the nipple of one breast. I feel a little tense but assure myself this is not sexual, merely sensual and, in fact, that is so. We are talking about it being time for me to change, because if I don't, it won't be possible to leave the planet and go with Riker. In order to help me, Troi calls in Ellie who had prepared a series of rocks (a gate, etc.) tied up by a string. I say, \"You really want to get it of me, don't you?\" semi-teasing. She says seriously, \"No, but l want... (something like you to be happy).\" Troi and I then exchange bodies so I can experience what it is like to be free of my own patterns of thought and feeling I've built up since birth, and to experience her way of feeling her own feelings. It's a delightful experience. Then I see her push a table over and hit her ankle and limp with pain. I go and kneel in front of her and try to be sympathetic. \"Does it hurt?\" I ask. She grimaces and says, \"I'm fine.\"" }, { "number": "1986", "head": "11/16/91", "content": "My mother comes up behind me and slaps me on the butt. It really hurts and I say, \"Mom! that really hurt.\" She snaps, \"Don't be silly.\" And I follow her and say, \"I mean it, you really hurt me sometimes.\" And she says, \"It's just your arthritis; it makes you sensitive.\" And I say, \"No, even when I was a child, you would hurt me lots of times.\" She is angry at me. I turn and walk into the kitchen and I look for a drawing of Ellie holding Charla (a profile like my lake Michigan picture of holding Ellie). My mother had drawn the picture. It's very sweet and cute. She accidentally drew another picture on the same paper right under it. I wanted to make a Xerox copy of it. I see two half smashed like butts on the sink of dirty dishwater and I reach to put them out, because they are my mother's and this is a silly, childish revenge. She sees me and says, \"Oh, no you don't.\" I try to snub them out, but she hits me on the butt. I cry, \"Oow! Don't.\" And I try to hit her back. I scratch at her chest and try to hit her arm. Finally I grab the front and side of her dress and start swinging her back and forth to smash her up against the counters that are at a 90 degree angle. I smash her to the left and back to the right. I'm screaming \"Oooh,\" like a siren up and down and she is trying to get at me to stop me." }, { "number": "1987", "head": "11/16/91", "content": "Rochelle carries my disability. I am invisible. I can't see my own situation, it's so close in me." }, { "number": "1988", "head": "11/16/91", "content": "Lydia and I are cleaning up my papers There are lists and bulk and so on. I'm not sure which ones are mine or hers. Her Mexican husband comes home. A small girl is happy to see him. They play wrestle and tickle and he is laying down and she is telling him she is growing books. He says, \"Where?\" and pretends to search her body for these books. He looks in her armpit and says, \"Here?\" \"No!\" giggles the girl, and I see a file folder on the dresser and try to choose a few bills out of it, but then decide to take the whole folder home and go through it and throw out the old stuff." }, { "number": "1989", "head": "11/17/91", "content": "Ginny and I and my three girls and their two boys are walking. We had just left a classroom where I'd looked out the window and saw the two boys sleeping outside in the rain in sleeping bags. They had started the night in the back yard and had moved to the front because some lights were shining through the front window, so they lay right where the light fell. Anyway, we are walking and I'm in front and we step up two steps only. Ginny trips and falls. I stop and help her up. She is very upset and says, \"The baby. Take over and help me.\" I realize she is three months pregnant and is worried about a miscarriage. I then try to get her over to a place to lie down and am also telling the kids where they need to go and to behave. I leave the kids and take Ginny over to a bed and have her lie down. It's a \"hospital,\" but it sure doesn't look like it. A woman nurse comes up, only dressed in regular clothes. I explain. She and several other nurses go to Ginny to \"touch the lover,\" to feel the extended belly of the pregnant woman, but all they see is a concave, empty, flat belly since the fetus is only a small little bump. They are repulsed and a little afraid. I must leave Ginny there to go get the kids. I look for them and find them. I call them over but they won't listen. I am frustrated, especially with the two boys. I keep trying, but they are stubborn and angry. I realize it's a power struggle, so I blurt out, \"Your mother is in the hospital and needs you to be there,\" to try and reach them. They still do not respond. I don't know what else to do, so I walk away hoping that by not forcing power, they will be forced to come. It helps some." }, { "number": "1990", "head": "11/17/91", "content": "I'm in a store looking at all the things. I see small dolls who are in wheel chairs. They are sort of Poster Kids all dressed up in pretty dresses as they are part of a choir that performs. I pick up one, a girl in a pink dress and in a manual chair. She is sort of alive. I put her back. I look at a picture of their choir director, a man with a motorcycle and brace on one leg and an amputated stump on the other. I go on looking at other things in the store. [BL]" }, { "number": "1991", "head": "11/18/91", "content": "I am in a closet. There are lots of old clothes on the rack. Small rodents live there too (rabbits or rats). I am seated and Ellie is at my right. I'm looking out through the doors to a show Rochelle is doing. She is old and wrinkled and walking. She is doing a comedy act. I say to Ellie, \"Look how old Rochelle looks.\" I am shocked. To my left are two faucets that don't work properly. The water comes out like a shower head, only some of the small streams of water are cut off. A plump, hippie type man sits next to the faucet, facing me at a perpendicular angle. He can fix the faucet. Now Ellie is between me and the faucets and she is telling me she got a terminally affection psychosis. Her face changes to a baby face looking expectant for affection. The face keeps changing back and forth from baby to her. I pat the cheek of the baby face and say, \"Sweet baby.\" I try to give it some of the affection it craves (is hungry for). I feel tired and unable to give it the quantities it needs. I feel more and more tired myself till I am nearly comatose. A small baby girl (1 year) comes to me. I scoop her up in my arms and kiss her. She says, \"I don't want to be kissed.\" I say, \"Good for you to say so. I should have asked first.\" Then she gives me a kiss. I love her very much. I am walking, holding her and an adolescent boy comes in front of us and sits with his leg on a hard cover book (Hamlet's Mill?). I yell at him, \"Get your leg off that!\" He looks upset at my ferocious rudeness and looks to his father for direction. He then gets up and goes away. I say roughly, \"It's OK. You can stay. I really wanted the other side anyway.\" I go to a similar setup across from where he was and sit to play intently with the baby. I am lying on a shelf on a ledge. I'm tired. Another woman picks up my original lecture papers and a handout. I ask her to give them back. She refuses. There is a power struggle. I choose not to fight. She takes the papers and goes down the ladder. I feel like I gave up and then lost. I am angry." }, { "number": "1992", "head": "11/18/91", "content": "My mother is fixing a huge special breakfast: eggs, pancakes, bacon, sweet rolls. I look forward to it and pick up the sweet rolls and put them in a pan on the burner to cook through. My mother speaks to me and I can't understand her for several tries. Finally I smile and say, \"OK, I'll get it, I should not have put the rolls on so soon.\" I try to pick them up and they come apart. It's a mess. I am aware that I'm handling this situation differently than I usually do. I am more open and willing to admit a mistake and willing to try and fix it, rather than get all stubborn in my anger and shut down or snap back. [BL]" }, { "number": "1993", "head": "11/20/91", "content": "I'm a high flying trapeze artist in a circus. My partner is a good-looking dark man, perhaps wearing black and a cape. I am afraid of heights, but I am in this act. The dark man is going to set up an accident for Burt Lancaster so he'll be killed. I could be hurt too. Two older police detectives are up there on the trapezes to fight out what's going to happen and save us. They are overweight, pot-bellied, and fumble. One man nearly falls because he couldn't grasp the trapeze. His timing was off, but somehow he manages. They figure out that the dark man has cut the circular ring holding the rigging. They pull it down before Burt gets up there and say, \"You are under arrest,\" to the dark man, who escapes and grabs a mentally retarded girl as his cover. The crowd gasps in horror. I realize I must save her by going in her place. I don't want to, but must and then somehow that bit of the dream is replayed and he is arrested before he can take the girl hostage and he is taken off. Now I hug Burt and it feels so warm and safe. I realize he can't say, \"I love you\" back, but it's OK. He now is teaching me an act that doesn't involve high flying. He has some little figures on a table and he calls out which one I pick up in my left hand. I pick it up, a figure of an older woman, and its jelly like outer cover comes off in my hand. I try to put it back on because that spoils the trick, but I've messed it up and it's not quite the same. I feel loved. This new act is so safe and pedestrian, but I am glad I don't have to be up there any more. Now Burt is going to fly again and I see him. The dark man had tricked him. Burt was walking into the arena and a group of people seated at a ringside table had their feet way. So he chose to go up a different pole than he usually does. (This was set up by the dark man.) Burt and I are seated ringside watching this as though I am reading an article in a film magazine about it and the pictures are like a movie we're watching Burt in a sexual turn-on to me. I feel alive with sexual desire and he turns and smiles and says, \"Being in tights is not a good time to get an erection. We laugh and sit there together knowing that later we will make love. Meanwhile, we see \"Burt\" go up the wrong or tampered-with pole. It snaps in half and he is smashed as he flies into the broken bottom half, which looks like a huge penis. He is crucified on it and his pain and humiliation is strong. I feel sad for him. Now his friend, another male flyer with a deformed small left arm (like Merle), is going up. I am amazed at how he can do that easily, one-armed. I look for the \"continued story\" on another page and after leafing through the magazine, I realize the story will be continued in the next monthly issue, April/May, 1991. The words \"Break\" in white letters on black background indicates the end of this first installment. So I put down the magazine and hug Burt and he suggests I wait until my twin sister is in bed asleep and then come upstairs and we'll make love. I sneak to our bedroom (sister's and mine) and put on a salve that will protect me from sexually transmitted diseases, I wipe off some white residue off the chin just below my lips (like Alka Seltzer foam). I think, \"Too bad, one has to be concerned about such things, but I want to be safe and careful.\" I think Lydia is in bed asleep, but some part of me realizes she is right now upstairs with Burt. I find that amazing that we are sharing him and pretending we aren't. I go upstairs in eager sexual tension and Burt is there, smiling and loving. He's not mine for always, but mine for now." }, { "number": "1994", "head": "11/19/91", "content": "I and Ellie and counselor are at a counseling session. Our task is to knit things as we work through our stuff. There is lots of distance between the three of us. I am knitting, I have a cast-on row and am trying to knit the first row, only stitches slip and nearly fall off and I am constantly readjusting the row and picking up stitches. I lie down and am aware that I could wiggle around and create sexual feelings and masturbate. I feel embarrassed, my face away from Ellie and the counselor. What if they saw my movements and figured out what I was doing? I sit up. I feel annoyed at Ellie. I am doing more than her. I go over to pick up two rows of cast-ons from previous sessions. They are on bent knitting needles or ink pens and stuck on a stand like an ink pen would be. I only find two and feel guilty I haven't done more, but then I feel this isn't fair, I've done much more, And I open a satchel bag and see (display) many cuffs and partial baby sweaters and blankets I've done, all in baby pastel colors, green and pink. I look over at Ellie angrily that I'm doing all this work, and she's doing only the minimal." }, { "number": "1995", "head": "11/21/91", "content": "I am at a school dance with my younger sister Lydia, pretending I am her age of 13. A young man (like Nate or Larry of high school) is drawn to me and I play coquettish 13 years old. It's time to leave, and as I go down the stairs, I start to look and act a bit older (16 years or so) and he is very enticed. I wear a sweater combo like in the 1950's. He follows. I run, laughing to my car and tell Lydia to hurry. We get in and he comes to the driver's side and wants to talk. I roll the window (wet from rain) down a quarter of the way. The window is a barrier for closeness and he asks me to open it more. I slowly, flirtatiously do so until it is full open. He wants to kiss me and I want it too, but hold off because of my tender age. I tell him I'm going to Judy's house to meet friends. He could go there too. We drive away, and I go to Judy's house, without Lydia now. I greet some girlfriends and soon he comes in and asks me to dance. I agree and we begin a slow dance. He bends down to kiss me and I turn shyly away. \"I'm too young yet.\" \"All right,\" he says, \"but don't let anyone else kiss you. Let me be the first.\" I promise and we dance more closely, hugging; we know we are made for each other. [BL]" }, { "number": "1996", "head": "11/21/91", "content": "I'm in a crowded classroom and the rows are all in one direction, but I am seated facing the opposite way. A young man I am interested in sits in the back (see drawing) and as I pretend to be talking with my friends, I am watching him. I pick up my book, a play and look at page 171 and then back up to about 131. Some of the pages have come loose from the staples in the center (saddle stitch binding with 2 staples)." }, { "number": "1997", "head": "11/21/91", "content": "I am driving a car, leaving an airport and going to find a hotel to stay in. My father is coming along for the ride so he can find a place too. Suddenly the road becomes graveled and the VW bus is jerked over from the right side, which is paved over a bump to a gravel road on the edge of a lake. I look in my rear view mirror on the left door quickly to see if any cars are coming. They are far back, no danger. I am amazed the sudden switch was so smooth and none of the passengers were bounced up and bumped their heads on the ceiling (like Paulina in Mexico). I drive on. We're looking for S City. I see two children playing in the lake. I say, \"I think this is the wrong road.\" I see a hill and suggest we go up and see if that leads back to the freeway. If not, we'll turn back. I feel like it will lead us to the freeway. We get out and walk. We come to a house and open the window and step in, on the couch and antique coffee table, and as we walk through the house, a man comes from the left and says, \"What are you doing?\" I am embarrassed, suddenly realizing I'd entered someone's house uninvited. I explain and he says, \"OK,\" so I go to the hill and try to walk up it. It's sandy, steep and I grab at clumps of weeds and grasses for handholds. The way is hard and I am aware of how out of shape I am! I get close to the top and see I'm not going to get to the freeway, so I return back to the house. The man walks me back the way I came. I see the front door to the right and think he'll let us out through the door, but he doesn't. He opens the window and we step around the coffee table, step on the couch and out. He says, \"I am reminded of a redhead from New York,\" something about antique. We go on." }, { "number": "1998", "head": "11/27/91", "content": "I am on the Star Trek Enterprise. I have been transported accidentally from this time period and have become psychic. I am in an elevator with Capt. Picard. Some drippy substance that is painful and corrosive lands on him. I rush him to my apartment and put him in the bathtub. He pulls me in, laughing, and I wash him off. And as I do this, he turns so he's facing me. He's on top of me and I feel his hard dick and at first he can't seem to get it in and I reach down and help him. Between us, we get him in and it feels marvelous. We joyfully make love. [BL]" }, { "number": "1999", "head": "11/27/91", "content": "I am a teacher and new. I'm being asked how I'd handle certain situations and I'm pleased to notice that on several occasions the boys would get me into a no-win power struggle and I'd make my statement and walk away and then they would comply. A man asks how I'd handle a fight and I'd say, \"Stop!\" I'd put my foot pedals between the two fighting boys and I'd yell, \"Stop!\" to them and to the observing kids who entice them to continue by their attention. Then I decide to lecture on the contents of a Playboy magazine. This is quite controversial, but I continue. I show them page after page of advertisements and then political articles. Finally a naked man and a naked baby are seen. The man's penis is tucked in between his legs as he lies on his side. The baby boy is very sweet and cuddly and chubby and I pass him around for the kids to see. Two girls have him on a table and are admiring his sweet smiles. His penis is just a part of who he is and isn't important." }, { "number": "2000", "head": "12/01/91", "content": "A family reunion of the V. side. I have photos of some of us as children and people (aunts) want to see them. Someone sees my face and says it reminds them of ___, a cousin or relative. I am amused and say others have said I look like ____, another relative, and as I see my profile, it keeps changing so that eventually we all at some point resemble one another. Everyone is going to use the photos and make historical videos and I see that Aunt Rosalie is the first one to get her crew together (her kids). I hope to use her kids to help make mine later. A man (William B Hurt) is seated, looking at me through his round spectacles (frameless glasses). He has big, serious blue eyes. I walk over to him and say, \"I work here. I mean, I'm the owner; what can I do for you?\" He seriously hands me a bill for $833 for his services (maybe a plumber or a carpenter). I say, \"But I've paid this, I think. Let me check.\" I find my checkbook, but it's dated 10/3, too early. I find the right one and prove to him I've already paid. He hands me a pen. I take the top off and find a \"short ____\" in there that somehow represents my relationship with Howard." }, { "number": "2001", "head": "12/01/91", "content": "I am going to a bookstore and start walking, hoping to catch the bus. It's two minutes until the bus is expected. I'm on 14th street and am headed for 10th. The walking is hard going and painful. I get there. It's a conveyer belt of canned goods. A woman helps check them out. They are packaged up in plastic crates with an identifying tag so you know what's yours and where one stops and the other starts. Now I'm watching couples at a \"butt watching\" fair or gathering. Three couples, all dark, straight hair, dark complexion (Italian) are together. One woman is very upset and a man is trying to help her. He holds her quarters for her without taking any. She doesn't trust he has done so sand asks another woman to check for her. The other woman counts the eight quarters and the one silver dollar and hands them to me to hold for her. It's confirmed and she hugs the man. They are very close, cuddling. His arms are around her as she leans her back into his chest, then feet out in front of them, intertwined. The other woman says, \"You can't do that if your not going to get married.\" This makes them think because they were intending to be just very good friends until she was cured and then she would go on and marry someone else. She looks over and sees the man's best friend and decides to marry him. This causes the man to turn and look long and searching into her eyes. He now wants to marry her. I think she wants it too and was using a ploy to get his attention. [BL]" }, { "number": "2002", "head": "12/01/91", "content": "The dark-haired woman has a big bottle of perfume they had bought at the butt watching fair together that was supposed to be long lasting. A leak springs up in the bottle and she pours the perfume into another container. There is no smell; they were duped. She decides to return to the fair and demand her money back. She enters the library. A man with a disabled foot (there are two that work there) asks what she wants. I (now her) say, \"I want to complain to the fair committee and get a refund.\" He asks my name and limps off, his foot looking like he'd been trapped in a ski boot remover. I follow and stand by three men reading books who comment on Michigan being a place where people can go to a meditation conference. I say, \"Well, that makes good sense in the winter, a good place to do it.\" I hear my name called, \"Barb Sanders,\" and look up and see the fair committee walking by saying, \"And Barb Sanders has a complaint to put before us as well.\" I realize I'm on now. Short notice but oh, well. We enter a room and I sit. It's a conference room (see drawing). I sit. He asks me to tell my story and tell what I want. I do and as I go on, he interrupts me. They grant me my money back and I feel annoyed he interrupted me until I fairly realize I was being long-winded and had got my point across already. I Leave. Now, the men are talking about holding their own butt watching contest and making lots of money, but my guy is thinking of declining. It's not as fun as just being as contestants, and besides a man newly married should be home watching his own beloved's butt!" }, { "number": "2003", "head": "12/01/91", "content": "I'm in a big house. I've been married to Howard for years, but we've not connected in any way, emotionally or sexually. I decide it's time to leave him. But then I realize this time, I'll have to take the girls with me. I have no excuse this time. I'm older, done with school, and walking. I feel real fear and resistance. I don't want to take the girls. That will be so very hard, to be a mother, to be there. [BL]" }, { "number": "2004", "head": "12/02/91", "content": "I'm in my wheelchair and my job is to try out a downhill path to see if it is accessible. I have an able-bodied woman with me who looks like a community college student from Women's Center, possibly lesbian, but mostly abused. We get to the top of the path and I look down and she says, \"Well, what shall we do?\" I say, \"It looks pretty bad. I'm not sure.\" Lots of AB students are walking around me. I decide to try the path and somehow we slowly manage to get down the path, talking with people as we go. They ask how to help and I'm not sure how to tell them. A man in a manual goes by on another downhill place and calls out a friendly challenge. He admires me. We get to the bottom and I think, \"Let's go,\" but then I realize in order to do a good job, I need to go back and do the path again to find the specific places where it is too steep or the stairs too tall. I'm afraid to tip my chair over those stairs for fear I'll fall, but I decide to take strong spotters with (I am unaware in the dream I have actually already managed doing the path). I get to the top and look for the beginning of the path again, but can't see it. I find an elementary school and go in looking for signs telling me how to get to the gym downstairs. I can't find it and walk past the clothes shop areas and so on and then start walking (now with braces on my feet and wearing a brown pleated skirt and a blazer) upstairs. I see student teachers on the bleachers as I walk up. I realize they don't know how hard this is for me because I'm not in my chair and they don't know the difficulty of a difficult mother or a woman (how it cripples them). I get to the top hall and realize I'm going up and not down and can't find the gym. A woman comes over to me and says weakly like she's going to faint, \"Did you know if a woman can be in trouble if her period starts like a tidal explosion?\" I look around for help for her." }, { "number": "2005", "head": "12/20/91", "content": "There are a man and a woman and me. The man and I kiss. It is very nice. He says, \"You must kiss her now.\" He pushes me. I resist and give an \"air\" kiss very close to her mouth. He says, \"Am I pushing too much?\" She says, \"Yes, let it be.\" When I kiss the man, I want to hug him too, but don't. Something holds me back. He's a writer, the creative part." }, { "number": "2006", "head": "12/21/91", "content": "I have been quietly exercising in my house and now I go for a jog. I come out of the house through a tunnel-like opening like from a basement. I slowly run. It is hard at first, but then I get better. Fluffy is with me. Now I'm returning, running easily in the rain. I feel good. I have camaraderie with my cat who lays down every once in a while to get her tummy rubbed. I call to her often to keep up with me and pet her tummy. Then Fluffy wanders a bit toward the road and I see a vehicle coming and I am concerned she might get run over. It's almost like the fact that the vehicle is there that attracts her like hypnotism. I call to her. The vehicle is a house trailer with segments like washing machines and dryers. She gets caught by the skin of her side/belly. The vehicle is nearly stopped in its concern not to harm her. I get her uncaught and we then go to the house, open the front door and enter, passing Howard and another man who are on their way out. They come back in. I try to ignore them, but know they are attracted to me and I feel sad about Howard. We've lived together all this time, but not in relationship. I rub Fluffy's tummy and see the wedding band on my finger and feel sad that I give more love and attention to the cat than I do Howard. I go into his bedroom to take off my wet layers of jogging jackets. I lay them out to dry on the floor. Then I put on my old jeans and mauve tee-shirt with laces and admire how good it feels to be slim and trim and in good physical condition again." }, { "number": "2007", "head": "12/27/91", "content": "I enter a square room that is sort of a vacation cabin. It has been unused and neglected for years. Today I am cleaning it up. Old food, all moldy and yucky, is in cupboards and the sink and on counters. I don't relish the job but it must be done, so I dig in and start cleaning. Howard is around somewhere. [BL]" }, { "number": "2008", "head": "12/27/91", "content": "I am given a home video camera and I begin to film what I see. I have some trouble keeping things in focus and also keep forgetting that I'm in charge. I'll hum and then remember that the camera will pick up that. Or I'll not pay attention to what's in the frame and then remember and shift focus. I hear background noises of a huge crowd cheering and as a satire joke, I film a race of toy motorcycles. Then I see a scene of small plastic people and I film it, chuckling to myself at my creative cleverness. I turn a knob that changes the focus spot from a circle to a square and back again and I adjust it back and forth. I took a picture of the picture on the TV screen. Now I see through the camera viewfinder a good-looking man. I like him and start to show him my editing choices, feeling excited about sharing with him how good I am and anticipating his approval of me. But he's doing something else, like wanting me to take a picture of him and not listening to me. I stop mid-sentence and feel disappointed and frustrated. I then concentrate on focusing on his beautiful eyes. I go in for an extreme close-up and back out for his full, lovely face." }, { "number": "2009", "head": "12/28/91", "content": "A woman like Katrina is teaching me to be a light. I try and then I become this beautiful light, like a tinkerbell, with xmas lights flashing. I am flying around the living room, landing in different places here and there. A man comes in and is trying to get me. My light gives me away. He chases me as I move from place to place. Katrina tells me to flap my wings and fly up high. I try, but it is hard. I go through the layers of wood in the frame of the house and he is on the opposite side, nearly getting me (see drawing in dream book). Finally I flap my wings very hard and get going very fast and shoot up into the heavens. [BL]" }, { "number": "2010", "head": "12/28/91", "content": "I am back at work in an office. I am on the phone talking to someone in this huge house I live in. The dancers have arrived and I say, \"Oh, good. I can't wait to come be there. I'll finish up here and get home when I can.\" I turn and a man has come into the office. He's very pompous and upset about the swimming pool. His friend can't swim and nearly drowned. So he wants us to build a better swim pool. Someone tells him we don't have money budgeted for that. He is indignant, that money would be more important than a man's life. I say, annoyed, \"Why don't you help him then?\" He is upset and says, \"I can't swim either.\" I say, very coolly, \"Then learn to swim,\" and dismiss him. He's one of those demanding crazies and I want to get out of here and go enjoy watching the dancers. Then several other people come in, and I think, \"Oh, well, even if I only get to see the night performance, it will be good enough,\" even though I felt disappointed. A woman wants to join a woman's support group. I notice Jennifer H and another woman there. I say, \"Oh, they wanted a group too; three would be big enough to start one, maybe others would join later.\" We set a time to meet. Then I start a dream group and it is very full. We start working on a dream. Fred tells his dream. Hands are raised with ideas and answers. I act like a teacher, calling on people and lecturing after their response. One woman in front of me really wiggles her hand, wanting to be called on. I feel bad I didn't get to her. Uncle Lionel stands up and writes on a paper the time and puts it up on the wall, like a good student. It's 8:10. I decide we've gone 1/2 hour and so I say, \"It's a good enough place to stop.\" Everyone starts leaving and I say, \"Wait, I'm not done yet.\" A few stand, waiting. I feel a coughing fit coming on and I see a large cup of water. I wave them away, saying, \"Never mind.\"" }, { "number": "2011", "head": "12/30/91", "content": "I have acquired a large mansion with extensive lawns and gardens of a formal nature. I am well dressed, slim and trim, in black patent leather heels, black skirt and a purple and black flowered halter top with spaghetti straps. I look out over the vast lawn and see African dancers. I am surprised they aren't Native American like I'm used to, but realize things move on and this must be honored as well. I go out to dance with them, but stay on the outskirts of the huge circle of dancers, being careful not to be disrespectful and intrusive, but wanting to be a part of it all. I dance South American calypso kinds of steps. After that, I decide to go see how the man I've hired to clean up and weed the garden area is doing. He's been there two days now and I think I owe him $75.00 by now. I go to the garden and he's got lots of area cleaned out. The plants look like large lettuce leaves all closely grown together. Then a woman asks where the door is, and I turn and look at the house. I see where the door was and go around the house to the left and find a door. I go in to see what's inside this new shop; nothing much. I figured out it's a lunch counter, but so new the menu isn't up yet. I see Ellie eating a sort of thing like a taco/hotdog. I ask her to come over and help me retie my left strap on my halter. It's two straps that had been tied together but she chooses to tie each one separately. It seems to work. I go outside to find the gardener man to pay up my $75.00. He wants a written receipt and I say, \"I have lots of paper, no problem.\" Only as I pick them up, each sheet has some scribbles or notes or lists on them. I can't find a fully blank sheet. I offer one with only a few scribbles on it (like Charla's drawings), but he refuses; it must be blank. Then I realize if I'm going to keep this vast lawn area kept up, I will have to hire a gardener full time or it will all become overgrown and wild. I look up to the windows in my mansion. I think, \"It's too bad don't have very much money or furniture, but if I carefully place things at the window, I can still manage to enjoy the view of my huge lawn and garden.\"" }, { "number": "2012", "head": "01/02/92", "content": "I am told that Howard has made love to young boys and molested some girls. There are some feelings that my father has too. I (or my mother) ask him, \"Do you know anything about this?\" He is annoyed with me that I would ask and changes the subject by asking me a question. I don't know the answer and he is actively disappointed in me. I feel betrayed when I realize this is an avoidance tactic. I lay down on the ground next to a mushroom growing and I knock it over. I sit up and see what looks like an erect penis laying beside my head, little roots still on it. It looks painful being ripped out of the ground like that." }, { "number": "2013", "head": "01/02/92", "content": "I am in a play and acting well. We are two sisters and a dolly in a crib and we have our backs to the audience. At one point, I turn the dolly so she faces the audience and suddenly I am aware of them. We turn to face the audience and I now see their faces. They are very happy about the fact that we are including them. They now don't have to work so hard to get the words. But as soon as I'm aware of them, I feel a spurt of adrenalin and break my concentration. I become afraid I will forget my dialogue, and with the fear comes the knowing that I will. I don't know what to do; I feel panic. Later, I am preparing a picture of the scenery for a play. I draw in a toilet and a bathtub. I show this to the director and he points out I didn't need to do that because there already was a toilet and a bathtub. Feeling frustrated that I went to extra work for nothing, I agree to cut out the new addition. I ask the director how we are to hang up the pictures on stage. I see wires and clothes pins to hang them on. Now I'm rehearsing, worried I'll forget my lines and knowing I must really concentrate for 1 and 1/2 hours or so on my lines, but not wanting to do all that work. I go to the director who's back stage behind a counter top caged area (like in PE room). He asks how I'm doing and I sigh, \"I'll try to work up to your standards, but I'm not good enough.\" He is surprised and concerned. This is not a good attitude for an actress to have before a performance. I walk away and lie down on a bench and cry out, \"I'm sick. I'm sick.\" I feel tired and very bad. I don't want to perform." }, { "number": "2014", "head": "01/04/92", "content": "God is a vague human-shaped light that lies down on me and soaks into and through me. I feel wonderful peace and happiness and for a moment feel embarrassed that this at first appeared to be like a lover. How sacrilegious!" }, { "number": "2015", "head": "01/05/92", "content": "High school friend Dora and I are talking about my upcoming connection with Willie. I am going to have some kind of relationship with him and she is warmly encouraging me. She says, \"He really loves you.\" I say, \"But I don't love him.\" I hasten to add, \"I like him a lot, but I don't love him.\" I go to meet him and we talk. Now it is the wedding ceremony. I wear a straight 1920's kind of gown and a long veil. There are rows and rows of people seated (see drawing in dreambook). The two center rows are for family and are canopied. We walk all around the seated people. At one point, both Willie and I walk with my limp and a cane in precision, I matching my cane thumps to his, my left foot turned out. Later, we walk ceremoniously and slowly. As we get to the corner, to proceed down the center aisle, I lose Willie in the crowd as he went ahead and I'm not sure which way to go. I then choose the right one (the main one) and we reconnect, going the full length of the aisle to the front. At the left in the front row are my \"parents\" and Granddad Lloyd. We turn to face them and ceremoniously kiss them (the parents). Then we turn to the other side, where we kiss his parents (who aren't there) and a picture of a baby who died long ago whose name is B (Berta, Bertha or something like that). She was Dora's and Willie's baby. Now the ceremony is over and the dancing begins. Willie and I dance for hours. Now he is tired and I lead him off to the side. He asks for a glass of water, some specific kind of water he always drinks, \"authenticated, hard\" (like a mineral water). His sister, \"Peggy Sue\" (really Sonja), comes by and tiredly takes my coat off my back and puts it over his head like a tent. She's done this millions of times and resents it or believes it's only indulging him. I waft air at him and give him the glass of water. Later, he is in a tiny \"room,\" our honeymoon hotel room, only its all still at this place where we got married. It is clear he and I won't have sexual relations. He'll discreetly continue his sexual relationship with Dora." }, { "number": "2016", "head": "01/06/92", "content": "My grown daughter is pretty. It is the 17th century or so (Little Bo-Peep dresses). Three young princes are captivated by her and join us for lunch at a beautiful table. The table has wooden boards or flaps where each person sits. You reach down there and bend it until it folds up into a square. I do that. The boy's father, the King, comes by, and is intrigued with my wit and innocence. I hardly notice him in the sense that I fawn over him. I'm aware I like him and he's handsome and am glad he chooses to stay with us for lunch. We chat. Later I go walking and I see a series of little deformed boys. Their tongues hang out to the side, their legs are unusable and thin and spread out, like they have CP but they don't. Some tongues go to the right and some to the left, but the basic deformity is the same. I wonder how they can sit up like they do without leg support. Now my daughter and I go for a walk, only it's me, alone. I had decided to think the daughter with me because I remembered a woman in this time period should never walk unattended. I come to the house/palace of the King. He's inside watching me. He has a big museum display in front and I stop and watch and look, very interested in all the displays. I watch little miniature weaving looms working and am entranced. I stay a long while and go clear around to the back of the exhibit, looking at stuff there. He comes out to join me and I look up startled. I say, \"Oh! I didn't see you.\" He says with a sweet smile, \"I thought it best to come out and supervise when someone is so intently inspecting my family background.\" I smile and agree that could be uncomfortable. He is pleased I have such interest in him and his stuff. We walk now toward the house and we enter a room. He says it's the goose house where he'd sneak into the palace through it as a child. In a side room I see a big Mother Goose peering at me suspiciously. I see feathers (white) on the floor where I'm standing. The King says, \"When I was a boy, sometimes she'd let me pet her babies.\" I walk into her room, holding a pink stuffed baby doll. The King says, \"She won't let you touch her babies.\" I hold out my dolly for her to touch, glad it's just a dolly and not a real baby, just in case she hurts it. She sniffs and then touches it, and then lets me touch a baby dolly of hers (blue stuffed). The King is impressed and I feel happy and pleased and honored. The king and I are going to be married. We walk on toward the palace." }, { "number": "2017", "head": "01/07/92", "content": "I am living in a long narrow set of rooms, downstairs. I am hosting an OCA conference and am cleaning up and organizing after the people left. A woman neighbor comes in and shows me a lovely dress she made herself. We chat about all the extra traffic in the neighborhood with my guests. Then she shows me how she made the dress with snaps up the front and she graciously offers it to me if I want it and think it would be easy to use. I accept with pleasure. Now it's time to go for a ride on my horse. It is lovely, strong, healthy and frisky. I get up (no saddle), and we ride, happily running. It is effortless. After a long run, I pull up at a deep river where a man lies in the grass and watches me. I am unaware of him. I lie down and take my top off and sun for awhile, and then I get scared because what if I didn't tie down the horse properly and it goes away. I would be stranded and unable to get back home, too hard to walk back with arthritis. I double check the reins and hang onto it hard. I lean over and peer into the river and feel nervous with how deep it is and worry about falling in. Now I ride back home. We are like one and it is very effortless and nice. I bring the horse into my rooms and turn on the water faucet in the sink and it drinks. Then I spend lots of time grooming it. I feed it hay. It is important to take care of my good horse." }, { "number": "2018", "head": "01/08/92", "content": "There are two railroad tracks going in different directions. I'm being chased. I hide under a table, a big round one with a long table cloth that goes to the floor. There is a hole in the floor and I go in there and someone covers it and makes it look ordinary. The man chasing me is very suspicious and looks over carefully, but the camouflage works. I then start running very fast around and around under that huge table in order to exercise and build up speed, strength and endurance so I can escape. My helper warns me not to run so close to the table cloth because as I bump it, it will give me away my presence to the man chasing me. Finally I am in good shape and I am ready. The cloth goes up and I sprint out down a huge aisle where an audience of people is painted on the floor. I run and run and have to be careful not to mistake the real audience for the painted one." }, { "number": "2019", "head": "01/08/92", "content": "I am seated in the front row of the audience with friends (Bonnie, Tyler). I now get up and walk up the steps of the raked auditorium (like a school gym, M City High, the old one). I go higher and higher, noticing that the higher I go, the fewer people there are, and the \"lower\" the intellect and class they have. I reach the top and it's just empty seats. I walk across to the righthand aisle and walk down. Some of the steps are like steep dirt banks I have to jump. I get almost down to where I was and cross again to the left and then return to my seat. As I pass my friends, they excitedly tell me that a Fire Fair is going to happen, like I'll be thrilled, but I'm a bit annoyed because it's like when people tell me some thing about disability, I've heard it all before and I do have other interests besides disability." }, { "number": "2020", "head": "01/08/92", "content": "I am helping to teach mentally retarded people. In a classroom, they are all seated in a single row around the edges of the wall (see drawing in dream book). I have lots of things on the board and I'm trying to get them to understand. Then it's time to go and there's a bus and we're high up on a mountain and it's a long, curvy road back down." }, { "number": "2021", "head": "01/09/92", "content": "There's a pool or stream and a little fish is in it. I lean over to see the fish and I suddenly rear back because a huge goldfish comes up out of the water, toward me. He's as big as I am! I go uphill to get out of the way. He might bite me. Now I'm seated at a table and Howard and Bob H are looking at me. Howard says, \"Look at her eyes, her face. She's getting an idea.\" They watch as I sit and stare off into space, my eyes in REM. They come over to me and watch as I start righting (writing) my notes, an outline: 1) Research of project, 2) get examples of what's currently out there. Bob agrees with me that we must gather all the leading communications skills programs used in schools and see what's there and then create a better one. I look at Howard's face and feel sad because I can see he's different (his eyes are different), but I still have the old automatic disgust and anger. I feel badly that I can't seem to respond to him differently now (see poem in Dream poem directory)." }, { "number": "2022", "head": "01/10/92", "content": "Curtis Salgoto tells me about a childhood experience. His alcoholic father would go pass out in different places and once he had to go to a neighbor's house, a girl, and retrieve his father from her bathroom. He said her bathroom was bigger than anything in E City! I laugh and enjoy that image. He then tells me how as children they were each tied to the opposite leg of a big person and she wrestled him and she won and she couldn't understand how he could stand the humiliation of still being tied together. He shrugged and said something like, \"You do what you have to do,\" and then he unpeels himself out of a stick of mud and goes away. Now I'm mixing water and choosing a color pattern to mix (knit) for a sock. I see argyle patterns and different colors like in a color palette, but on this notebook paper - muted greens, etc. I choose one and drop it in the ocean to be mixed. I read the instructions on sizes of knitting needles, #5's. Then I work the mud like in pottery. Now my hands are caked with it and I want to go inside for awhile. I walk to the front door and call to my mother who panics and darts (lunges) toward me as though she thinks I'm hurt. I laugh and say, \"I'm OK. It's just me. I did not want to get your house dirty and I want to put it back on when I come back out.\" She can't understand why I do this." }, { "number": "2023", "head": "01/12/92", "content": "I am a white woman, but have lived for years as a sort of servant/family member in a Chinese family. I have a tiny old room filled with all my possessions from the years. There's not anything worth much, just sentimental value. I go to a fair, where white people are, and stroll among the booths. I see pink, crystal-like rocks that are crafted into little souvenir dolls, and I see photos, each wrapped in a plastic wrap, jewelry, etc. I choose not to buy anything. People sort of expected that of me; I never do \"the ordinary.\" I now am walking back to my home and I see a vast ocean, a beautiful blue color. The color is quite special and I am entranced by it. I see a whale fluking his tail (tale) and then feeding right at the line where the gray shallow water and the blue deep water meet. I feel intense joy at the privilege of seeing this beauty. I am so drawn to it that I feel pulled like a lemming to swim out in it and drown - suicide, drown myself under the blue water, being swallowed by the whale. It's scary. Suddenly I turn and realize there is a man standing right behind me, ready to stop me if I choose to jump into the ocean. I notice his eyes are exactly the same shade of blue as the ocean. I am totally drawn to him. We sit and talk. He says, \"Let's get married.\" I hesitate. We're strangers, but I know he's the one I trust. I say yes. I take him home with me to my Chinese family." }, { "number": "2024", "head": "01/10/92", "content": "My family is going on a vacation and we are packing. I call us together and call out the items we need to make sure is in each suitcase: wallet, money, forks, spoons, knives, etc. We get all the stuff packed. I see a list of things. I read it over and over: sunset, blue sky, birds. It's like panels of torn paper collage pictures. Blue sky is repeated (see drawing in dream book)." }, { "number": "2025", "head": "01/12/92", "content": "I'm trying to take my pills and I have a handful and sort them carefully. It's past time to take them. I see tracks driving down the river. There are two forks and they take the long way around. The water is up high on the wheel hub. There is construction and they are stopped when they try to get up on the road. They telephone to a woman to get better info on how long it will take. Now the construction delay is a hotel with a Ronald Coleman type owner and a gypsy woman pulls up in a circus car (a car with a carnival ride in it). She thinks if the two of them work together, they can keep people entertained and make money, turn the delay into profit. He agrees, so her troupe goes on stage and dances and sings. A woman is at the top of the waterfall hiding from the audience's view, ready to do her act. Now I'm her and I slide down the water and do a backward, graceful flip in a circle, and dance on down. The audience isn't all that impressed. The owner flicks the house lights on and off to stop the show. It's not working. There's only a few patrons in the audience, way off to the right. Now I'm the owner's lovely, gowned, jeweled and sophisticated fiance. He's got two TV remote controls and doesn't know which button to push. I try to explain. He tries them. I have an idea: we should make this a dance, not a show. I invite the audience to the ballroom. I'll play the piano and the Cary Grant type gypsy owner will add accompaniment with the musicians. I go to the ballroom and some follow. I sit at the piano and play a beautiful classical piece. A drummer and so on join me. Then we improvise a reggae piece. Then I'm playing a dance number. Lots of people are dancing. It's a success. Another woman comes over to spell me. I want to wait until the end of the song, but she places her fingers on the chord and begins. I stop playing and then she goofs up and that annoys me. But I now go looking for Cary Grant. I see the dancing people having a good time. I go into a bar lounge and see Cary coming out of a bathroom. He'd been helping a little boy. I think that's sweet. Then I go back into the ballroom and he's seated on the sidelines waiting for me. I walk over to him; we are going to dance." }, { "number": "2026", "head": "01/12/92", "content": "I am in my house cleaning up my bedroom. It's a mess. Ellie is following me around. Charla is also there. I look at their hair, wondering if Charla still has lice. I see Ellie's hair is cut very short (like a dyke lesbian's hair cut). Charla's is also cut short, like a pageboy cut. I see red sores on her head. Her hair is thin. I don't want to touch her. I give away a big box on my table stand next to my bed to Ellie's friend. I take three or four empty tape cassette boxes out of it first. There is dust on everything. I go into another room and feel something in my right ear. I pull on it. It's a dental floss string. I pull and pull. I can feel it inside my head. There is lots of ear wax on the string. I wonder how I managed to have left dental floss in my ear, but at last I'm getting my ear cleaned! The floss sticks to the wall and bits of dead leaves stick to it. I'm back in the bedroom and I look out the window and say to Ellie, \"Look, here's lots of wood bits I can use.\" I see shingles and pallets, etc. stacked up outside. I start to leave the room and Ellie says, \"But then we won't be together\" (or won't be able to talk), and I say, \"Well, then, you can come with me.\" She follows me as I go from room to room. I had remembered I had more rooms and was surprised now to see I really did have more. This is good news. I can get three or more roommates and make lots of money and get lots of help. Then I wonder whose rooms these used to be and if I could rent them out. Some of them had their things still in them. These rooms are spacious, nice and clean. My old bedroom is ugly, cluttered and old (see drawing in dream book). I see a fat woman and her kids cleaning one bedroom. I see lots of makeup jars and things on a dresser all dusted and tidy. I wonder out loud who cleaned this and how she's going to get paid. This concerns the woman who did it and thinks I'm to pay for it. In the next room I exclaim, \"Oh, look! A washer.\" I won't have to use the old one outside and wonder if I should use this one. It really isn't mine. In the next room I see a closet filled with pretty little dresses, shiny satin material, shades of blue, sequined halter tops and I really like these dresses and wish I could wear them, but they would not fit. They are for a small, petite, slim person. I see a door and open it, and see the dining room table all laid out. I shut the door and see a small card on the wall. It's printed and says \"Compliments should (or) sound Dwight.\" He's the one that owns the dresses and stuff. I think, \"There should be a comma between sound and Dwight.\" I assumed Dwight is his first name. The next room has a refrigerator. I open it and smell the odor of a fridge left too long and see a few food items like butter. Each room had a made bed in it. Blue bedspreads (blue and white like the one Bonnie gave me)." }, { "number": "2027", "head": "01/13/92", "content": "I somehow choose to let myself die. I slip underwater and am dead, only somehow still conscious. People come to me and feel sad (Ellie and other relatives). They will miss me" }, { "number": "2028", "head": "01/13/92", "content": "A small Native American village welcomes me and we have a party. An Indian woman is my friend. She introduces me to an Indian man. We like each other. He takes me to a wall that has pictures of the history of how white men harmed the Indians. I want to defend, but know I must first listen. It's a test to see if I am genuinely interested, or am going to be just another rude white person. I listen. The man and I make love. There is a huge diaphragm with cream all over it. I kiss the hollow at the front base of his neck. I feel love, but no sexual feelings." }, { "number": "2029", "head": "01/14/92", "content": "I am a (man) general in a war and I am alone in a field, the bombs exploding all around me. To protect myself, I lay down on the snow-covered, barren field. I dig a hole in the earth that fits my body and lie in it to wait out the war. It is cold. I am alone. Then I look over to my left and see girl children playing. I tell them to leave. Can't they see there's a war going on? Then I look around and notice the war is over. I get up out of my foxhole and follow the girls into a store. I look at the candy display. They are all out of the kind I like. A sweet little girl ( 8 or 10 years old) is there. Now I'm the girl. She and this little boy are Jack and Jill. They will be lovers when they grow up, but for now it is all innocent and sweet. They kiss and talk and share adventures. The general is now a grandfather and he lusts after the little girl. He sort of watches her, and follows her. She and Jack leave. She's glad to get rid of the sinister grandfather. Now Jack and Jill sit in a small boat, on the bare rock bed of a dry river bed. The water is being released upstream. It's like a carnival ride. I look upstream and see the surging force of the water and feel afraid. We'll be bowled over and drowned, so I say, \"Let's wait until the big wave is past us.\" But we stay and the water picks up our boat and we swirl and sway down the river bed. It's fun. My girl cousins are there, Sonja and Deirdre." }, { "number": "2030", "head": "01/15/92", "content": "I see a mechanical device that pops up and pokes a person's eyes out. I then see a person walking away with bloodied eyeballs. I think to myself, \"I can't believe I watched that. Now I'll be stuck with that horrible image in my head.\" Now I'm standing precariously on a small wooden platform just outside an open hatch or door on a boat. The waters (ocean) are cold, stormy and foreboding. A man stands with me and he points to the water and says that he is willing to jump in that dangerously cold water to save me if he has to. I feel unwilling to do that for him and devoutly hope I don't fall in. I back away toward the boat." }, { "number": "2031", "head": "01/15/92", "content": "I'm in a house. I go upstairs to find a place to sleep. I lay down on the floor and try to sleep. I am aware it is hard and uncomfortable. I have no blanket and know I'll get cold later. I feel sexual and encourage an orgasm. It feels good and I try to make it last. Then Nate walks in. We don't talk. We make love. He leaves. Then I decide to get up and go to the next room where there's a bed and covers where I can be comfortable. As I prepare to get in bed, Lydia's littlest girls all come running in wanting permission and money to go to the store and buy soda pop. I say, \"No!\" Then I notice they are all eating candy. One girl has a baby and holds her roughly by her hair. I rescue it and hold her in my arms. She's like a dolly, only alive. I realize it's 8 o'clock am and they haven't had breakfast yet. I'm tired because I haven't slept much. The radio had been playing loud and I'd tried to turn down the volume with no luck and so I'm tired, but the girls need a nutritious breakfast so I get up to fix it. Now I'm at Mary's house to visit. I hear her inside so I open the door and call to her. She's in the shower. I walk on in and see lots of women there. First I see Jennifer H. She's wearing a fake mustache like Groucho Marx or Charlie Chaplin. Then I see who all the women are. It's a dress-up party. They are all lesbians. Some women cut bits of their own hair and glued them to their mouths for their mustache. I look around, feeling out of place." }, { "number": "2032", "head": "01/16/92", "content": "There are a brainless baby and a man called Spiritgarden, who is Burt Lancaster. I hug him and he has a very soft, out-of-shape body. I like him. A fat boy/man in a wheelchair demands my attention. I dance vigorously with him, trying to wear him out or disinterest him in me so I can go on and dance with the man I like." }, { "number": "2033", "head": "01/17/92", "content": "I'm in the old M City house. It's 3:30 a.m. and I see Julie B outside. She is drinking water that comes leaking out over the gutter off the front of the porch. I invite her in. We sit on the couch in the living room. I introduce her to my brother Dwight. As Julie talks about some problem she has that makes her sad, I become aware that the heavy wooden mantle of the fireplace is shaking and slowly falling. It lands in the fire and Dwight pokes it so it will burn safely in the fireplace. I get up to go look for my room. I think Dwight and Julie stay in the living room. I go to where the \"Recreation Room\" used to be and I think this will be a good room for my combination office/bedroom. I imagine my computer in a corner, a single bed along a wall, and an artist/draftsman table at the window to do my art work. The light will be good there and besides that's where my mother used to do her art (see drawing in dream book)." }, { "number": "2034", "head": "01/17/92", "content": "Now I'm outside a smaller house at the beach. I see the tide is rising and waves are breaking over the rock barrier. If I don't move, I'll get wet and the waves look quite large. I could get hurt as well. As the first waves are actually sloshing around my feet, I beat a hasty retreat to the house. As I get there, I see its foundation is solid, huge rock boulders. I am impressed and feel safe. I go in. I see small refrigerators in the kitchen, up on the counter, and am glad because that's easier for me to manage, like the house is made with my disability in mind." }, { "number": "2035", "head": "01/17/92", "content": "I am in a very huge and luxurious house. It's my parents (and our) new house. I am going from room to room, looking at each one, admiring how nice they are. First, I see my parents' bedroom. It's very nice, with skylights and modern furniture. Right next to it is a recreation room, with games and refrigerators. I go upstairs and find Dwight's room. It's spacious. I think maybe I'd like this one rather than the one next to my parents'. I'd feel uncomfortable sleeping next to their room like I'd hear them making love or something. Dwight (who looks like Jack Lemmon) and I look out the window. \"Look, we even have a swimming pool.\" \"Yeah, but it's got dirty water in it.\" \"We could fill it up.\" It's long and narrow and only half filled with muddy water. \"So, if we're so rich, where are the tennis courts?\" I joke. I see a huge cement slab. \"That's our neighbor's land,\" I say, \"but look at his car.\" \"What kind is it?\" asks Dwight. \"It has no nose,\" I say. Dwight laughs at my clue. \"Then it must be a Volkswagen bus,\" he says. I say, \"Look over there. It's got wings.\" We see a yellow VW bug with fenders converted to look like those 1950's fins on cars. I see lots of books on shelves in another room. Maybe I'd like that room. My mother (young, maybe in her 30's) thinks I should stay with my original bedroom because it's on the ground floor and I wouldn't have to struggle with stairs and get tired. Then she reconsiders. After all, if we are rich enough to get this house and all the nice things in it, then we can afford a stair lift so I could get to any place I wanted. We then go to an \"outside\" room (like over a garage with an outdoor entrance). It's my bedroom, she says. I look around and see tables and chairs set up for a party with streamers and so on. I look at a man smiling at me and realize he's the professional party giver and he's giving me the party meant for Linda W. I point out it's the wrong party. He apologizes and goes away. I look around the \"suite,\" (see drawing in dream book). I see a small sitting room in Victorian dark woods and red velvet wall paper. I like that. I see an accessible bathroom. I look back in my bedroom and see a slim, narrow single bed (blue colors). I think, \"I want more than that.\" I see a double bed. I then decide I want a room to have fun in and a small separate room just for comfortable sleeping with a small toilet room very close to the bed so I won't have to walk far when it's painful. I see it there and I'm pleased. Now, a man comes up the stairs toward my room and wants to talk to my mother. He is suggesting we expand the garage to accommodate more cars in the future. I say to my mother, \"Don't let him nickel and dime us to death,\" (or my mother says, \"I knew they would try to nickel and dime us...\"). I walk with him to the garage and he says, \"See, you may get more cars,\" and I say, \"If we do, we can crowd them in or park them differently or build a carport roof to extend.\" He goes away. Now I'm going down the driveway and a car passes us and I see Sherry Lady in the passenger side and I say, \"Oh, it's the ____ family coming to visit.\" My mother tries to turn the car so we can go back and greet them. Now I'm in the back seat of Sherry's car as her husband turns the car and Sherry is very upset at him coming so close to the cliff edge. He knows he's safe because he can see better from his vantage point. Sherry is scared and nagging at him to be careful (like my mother, Grandma Mildred, and me). Then, they (we) are driving toward our house and I see a car/truck drive into a pond. Sherry says something about, \"Oh! Guilt!\" like guilt is \"___\" something. I feel sorry for her daughter who has to grow up with this biased and unhealthy view of the world." }, { "number": "2036", "head": "01/19/92", "content": "I'm in my wheelchair, pacing. The engine is always on so I have to keep applying the brakes to stop. I have to be aware of going and stopping all the time. It annoys me. I'd like to have my regular joystick back. I'm on a gravelly, steep driveway. When I get to the top, there is a road. I look across and see huge curtains with huge clothespins on a wire. The construction company has put them up so we can't see what they are doing. I see canopy roofs of cloth that matches the curtains over train cars and buildings. I am concerned what are they doing that requires protection like that, and are they protecting us as well? I doubt it. I decide to go check out my new house. I stop at the door and stand, walking in, thinking (hoping) I had enough energy to manage without the chair. My \"roommate\" comes to the door and gives me a tour (see drawing in the dream book). I enter the kitchen and look, agreeing with her it is small. Where does the stove and refrigerator go? \"Oh, I hate gas,\" I say. Her head is on one of the burners, which is lit. She likes gas stoves, she says, they work well. I worry about leaking gas. I look through a window down to the living room. She says, \"We have to go out this door and around to the door into the living room.\" I say, \"How odd to go outside and around.\" There is a steep ramp and someone is concerned and wants to hold on to me so I don't slip (I'm in slippers). I make it down, slipping a little. She says to me as we walk, \"It must have been wonderful to have time to visit/talk with your mother. I agree and tell her how special and nice it was. \"How do I get in?\" I ask. My roomie is already in and peers up at me through a square, small hole. \"Through that hole?\" I ask. \"Here, why can't I go through this door?\" (a double Dutch door). \"Are you going to put furniture against it?\" She isn't thrilled, but \"OK,\" she says, \"I guess so.\" I can use the door. I go in and look around. It's very spacious. I say, pleased, \"Why there are two, no, three, no, four fireplaces (all in a row) and a piano, no, two pianos?\" I exclaim, \"This is just like in a dream!\" I look at the ornate, green, plush Victorian couches and chairs (overstuffed). She says, \"That's my gun over the piano\" (I see another gun, a rifle). I see pictures up on the wall and think I'll rearrange them to suit me later. I see a photo collage like my \"Germany and Mexico trips\" ones. I see a huge group photo of the people I'm currently working with up the hill. It's too big. I'll take it down, later. I suggest, \"We could create little centers or rooms in all this space. Over there by the window could be the children's play area; and there, your study area, and we could have communication areas here and there.\" She agrees. I ask, \"What's that room out the windows?\" and she says, \"The family room.\" I go out and see it's just an open veranda/porch, not a room at all. A neighbor man waves and starts talking at me. As he walks over, he tells me how he's been hunting for ___ and he names two animals. I don't understand what he called the second animal and he repeats it. (I spell it shire or shrik-mole.) I bend over to hear better and now looking at his head as he talks! (It's on the ground by the porch edge, like he has no body, or he's buried up to his head.) I think to myself, \"I'd better not be so pleasant and open or he'll keep coming over and bothering me.\" I smile my polite, fake smile. I move on to see the end of the porch. I am standing next to a man and a cart of birds that he is plucking. One bird, the one he's working on, is a parrot, not a chicken, and it's very much alive. I feel queasy and don't want to be so close, so I chat with my roomie and try to ignore the process, which is probably painful to the bird. But I can't help but keep one fascinated eye on his hands on the birds legs and the birds eyes as they blink." }, { "number": "2037", "head": "01/20/92", "content": "A married couple lives in a house and Jennifer H lives with them. I sort of am Paulina sometimes, but most of the time I am an observer following her around. Paulina knows there's going to be trouble because the husband is beginning to be attracted to her. She asks me to call Lucy so she can get advice. I have a phone receiver at each ear and am listening to Lucy and Paulina talk. I hear someone pick up an extension and realize the wife is listening in and hope she hasn't heard enough to give it all away. She comes into the room and I hang up the phones. The husband comes into the room and the wife leaves. I have on thigh high black nylons and I show him a dress I've bought that is very short and sexy. He likes it. I put it back in the box and Paulina/me stands to walk out of the room. She is dressed in a simple black wool dress that accents her small waist and slim figure. A kick pleat at the back calls attention to her legs. She's wearing black high heels. The husband is very attracted. Paulina walks out of the room, mincing on the high heels like a Hollywood starlet. I follow her. As she walks down a hall, a good-looking young man sees her and follows her, attracted. She hears boogie woogie music and is going in search of the music to dance. She is sidetracked somehow in a dark hall that has a series of glass tanks like for reptiles or fish. People are in the bottom tank, trapped. She watches as they dig up to the top layer tank, but it has fish and water in it, no oxygen, so they dig further to the next bottom tank and then up. This time there is a black poisonous snake in the top tank and oxygen. A man standing next to me on my left is also watching. He casually picks up the snake to hold it while the people break through into the snake's tank. I say, \"Be careful!! He's very poisonous.\" The man is not at all concerned and holds it like a pet and lets it writhe around his hand and arm, only carelessly paying attention to where the head is. Then the snake tries to bite the boot of the man and hits the floor with drops and a shooting spray of the white poison. \"See,\" I say, \"Look out.\" The man ignores me. The snake is sheathed from neck to tail in segments of cloth that serve as bandages. but are almost like clothes. The people manage to get to the oxygen so I leave and now see Paulina bouncing down the hall to the music. She almost passes the door where they are taking tickets. She hurries in and I follow. She goes across the room past an empty, carpeted dance floor where young collegiate guys are hanging out, and sits. As I reach where she is, I see she's changed her mind and has gone to sit in the middle on rows of chairs. She sits and lays two coats on the empty chairs to her right. The young man who followed her sits in a row in front of those two chairs with the coats. I sit on one of the coats next to Paulina. Now the dance instructor is there and she's talking the us and she nonchalantly takes all her clothes off as she lectures. Everyone is very shocked. I am queasy because I see her breasts and the nipples are sliced off. The red part is very large and where the nipples should be is a cavernous hole like in a thunder egg. It made me hurt just looking at it. Her body is not particularly pretty and the young college men are shocked and not too thrilled. She says that the body is a natural thing and should be treated that way; hence, she does not wear clothes." }, { "number": "2038", "head": "01/20/92", "content": "Paulina is sitting on a young man's lap and he points to my breasts and says to her in a cold voice, \"Do you want these?\" Paulina looks at me and then at him and he repeats the question, contemptuously. She isn't particularly interested, but the feeling is that she is beginning to realize she's a lesbian. Then the man says, \"You disgust me,\" in harsh tones and points to my breast. I look and realize it is hanging out of my swim suit and is old, shrunken, with a nasty rash on it. I am embarrassed and shamed. I tuck it back in saying, \"I need a new swim suit.\" Now, I am in bed with Howard and another woman. I am in the middle. We are all sleeping. It is late at night after a party and in his dorm room. We are naked. I sleep pointed toward him, laying on my stomach, almost like I was hinting he could approach me, but pretending I was just sleeping. He sleeps. He gets up and leaves. I turn my body so it is pointing to the sleeping woman. I feel funny about that and change my position. She leaves. I am alone and I see two college men with mop buckets and brooms open the door. They have clean-up duty in the dorm, and when they see me they quickly close the door. I continue to lie there. I know that they are plotting to come in and rape me because if I am naked in the bed in a men's dorm, I must be a loose woman and up for grabs. They come back in grinning broadly and evilly, pretending to mop and clean. I pick up the small, old-fashioned black phone and dial 911, just in case. Ethan's voice comes on the line announcing some place of business. I put my finger on the phone to break the connection but talk like I'm calling 911. The men decide to leave. I quickly get up, finding my bra on the side table. I look in the mirror and see I'm still dressed, except I don't have my bra on. so I carry it. I go into the small bathroom to brush my teeth with Howard's brush and use Howard's hair pick. My hair is wet like I'd showered and I pick at it to try and dry it some. I'm in a hurry and anxious. I hear little boys singing outside the window, \"Whore, whore, whore.\" I see the wooden shutter is partly open and I try to hook the eye hook lock on both sides. It is hard. Then I leave. As I open the door to the hall, lots of college men are mopping the floor and I step quickly over the wet spots and hurry out. They all look after me like I'm a whore and they'd attack me if they had a chance." }, { "number": "2039", "head": "01/20/92", "content": "I am taking swim lessons and we are lined up at the edge of the pool and kicking our feet and legs. It is very easy and I am surprised. I look up and see an older man, the coach, come into the room and I feel shame and try to move away so he won't see me. He almost recognizes me, staring after me. He asks someone about the married couple. I guess there was some scandal and I was involved. As I'm swimming, I notice a tiny woman is in my arms like about 5\" tall. We are going to swim together. She sees a line and wants to join it but I say that's the line for people trying to get in, but we're all ready in. We walk around to another side of the pool and I lie on my back and do the back stroke as she lies on my belly. I am very careful not to spill her off me or let the water wash her overboard. I swim three or four strokes to the deep end, turn and do the same number of strokes to the middle part. Back and forth we swim. Now she's a child and I am writing letters on her wet suit for her. It spells \"Doctor Day...\" Her father comes in and she says, \"How do the letters look?\" He says cheerfully, \"Good, but, dear, the T is a little crooked.\" I say, annoyed with him for being critical and not just supporting the little girl's happy feelings of wanting to impress him, \"I wrote those letters.\" He is embarrassed. The letters are upside down because I'd been standing at the head end of the suit when I wrote them. Now I am sewing a zipper pouch to the suit. The mother says, \"How nice.\" She's learning how to manage the zipper now." }, { "number": "2040", "head": "01/23/92", "content": "A man wants to make love to me. I refuse him. I don't like him. He rolls over and lays on top of the man in bed with me; he wants a homosexual encounter with him. That is refused, so he rolls over again to try to seduce the young girl, a teen daughter of mine, and I am furious. I defend her and push him away. He is scum and I hate him. He disgusts me." }, { "number": "2041", "head": "01/24/92", "content": "I am in a VW bus and I am following a man who is ahead of me and on foot. He starts wading across a shallow, wide river that has lots of algae growing in it. As I drive in, I feel concern and say, \"Is this too deep?\" He smiles and walks on. I continue to follow. It's up to my radiator but so far so good. Now I see trees, and two tree trunks are walking like each one is a foot and leg up to the thigh. I am amazed. Then I stop, get out and go up to some trees to talk with them. They are gentle, listening spirits. I get across the river and put down the luggage and the baby. I have to go find the airport. I walk and now I'm lost, and then I see airplanes taking off and know I'm close to the airport. I see a huge wall and a woman and myself climb it. It is hard and we have to grab silly ceramic things for hand-holds. We get to the top and look over with great disappointment - no airport, just farm land. It's like we had climbed a bulletin board of an airport and looked behind it. We go back down, talking about how hard it was and how tired we were and how disappointed. At the base of the wall stands my mother, Aunt Millie and cousin Sonja. I wonder how I'm supposed to get the bags and the baby, and who is taking care of the baby? I must have put her in a day care center in the city. I wouldn't have just left her at the river's edge, would I? There are lots of highways and attempts to get to the city." }, { "number": "2042", "head": "01/24/92", "content": "Sherry Lady is jealous of my skills. I've written a play and am being successful. She follows me around and watches what I do, wanting to be near me. I'm feeling pretty happy, and busy. I'm getting ready to go to a rehearsal or performance. I gather up a notebook I have and put in two of my favorite pens only to discover there are lots of pens in the notebook already. I remove three or four fat markers; most of the pens are black. Now it's time to go. I go find my \"husband.\" He's filing things. I smile indulgently because my work is important, but his is more like a hobby. He buys Tupperware and sells it. He's unpacking boxes. I look in a box and see cute miniature boxes and glass jars that are pretty. I say to him, \"I like Tupperware, but I hate the selling part.\" I also comment that I shouldn't take these cute things because even though I think they are pretty, I'll not be able to find any way to use them. I can't think of any tiny things I could put in them that would be useful to me. So we put my files and his boxes in the pickup truck and we drive away. I am driving. We have a hitchhiker and his belongings in the back of the truck, also. I see we're in trouble, the road abruptly ends, so I drive us over the edge to jump the chasm and successfully land on a grassy spot near the river. The hitchhiker's things end up falling in the river but my \"husband's\" things and mine are still safe in the truck. The hitchhiker is very mad at us. We dismiss his concerns as being unimportant. We feel sorry he lost his things, but we had done the best we could, so why is he mad at us? It wasn't our fault. We want to go get help, but don't want to leave the things unattended for fear he will take revenge and steal our things or ruin them. The women (two of us) go for help. The men (two) wait, guarding our things." }, { "number": "2043", "head": "01/25/92", "content": "Ethan is on stage and I go up and we make love. Then there is a rock star who drinks cough medicine or Tylenol and is addicted to it. I drink his bottle of Tylenol and get drunk. I'm seated at a table and Merle is watching me, enjoying the fact that I am behaving in a giddy, loose fashion. I follow the rock star and we make love. I am aware it's only a one night stand and go on. Later, I see him on stage and feel good about knowing I'd had sex with him. It feels like a delicious secret. I am surprised at myself for allowing myself to enjoy sex after so long a time. Now he likes me and pursues me." }, { "number": "2044", "head": "01/27/92", "content": "I am going up a mountainside. I am scooping up a fine dust into a container. I think the container is full, but then I notice several big rocks in it and empty the rocks onto the ground. Now there is lots more room in the container and I scoop up more fine dust. I fill the container. Now I am at the top of the mountain, which is shaped like female genitals. The top of the mountain is indented like the vulva. It's like a Phillips screw head with a \"crossroads\" in the top. On the left side, the gold has all been panned out, long ago. On the right side, there may be some left, but I'd have to work hard to get it. [BL]" }, { "number": "2045", "head": "01/27/92", "content": "I am at \"school\" or \"work.\" I go into a room and Jerome is there. I see small kittens and recognize them as offspring of Merlin the cat. I comment that, \"It feels good to have a male cat because when he has kittens, they aren't my responsibility. It's Jerome that is stuck with the kittens.\" I pick one up and pet it. It's very cute. Jerome is busy and leaves. I lay down in his bed to sleep. I realize that I am on my period and I've gotten blood all over the sheets. I am embarrassed and don't want Jerome to find out, so I pull off the sheets to wash them. I find a small sheep skin and stuff in there too. I take it all to wash. I go down the hall to find the washers. A man I don't like says he's been transferred to another school. I smile and say, \"Good for you. Congratulations.\" He says, \"I'm surprised you're so pleasant, I didn't think you liked me.\" I didn't have the courage to say I don't. \"I'm just glad you're leaving.\" I feel surprise because he's aware that I don't like him. I go into the room with the washer and dryer. I put the things in and now I think I only need to dry them. Bonnie is around and I want her advice. I go to take the stuff out of the machine and pull out my top hat from B's Follies, and 12 baby booties. There are some other things too. I go back and put the clean sheets on his bed and hope he won't notice. I start to leave. Only as I get to the door of the building, Jerome walks up and says, \"Hi.\" He goes into his room and I walk down the sidewalk, hoping to get away. Jerome calls after me and I stop. I am aware that I am dressed very nicely, a yellow suit and nylons. Jerome has figured out I did that and is now wanting to go out with me. He suggests we go for a drive in his sports car. I don't want to. He's married and I didn't do his sheets so he would like me, I did them to hide my wrong doing, but I get in the car anyway. It's very low to the ground and I say, \"I hope I can get out again.\" I'm in the passenger side and as we go, I notice it's hard to see up and over the dashboard. Jerome is very suave and flirty. Now I'm in the back seat and high school friend Dora is in the front next to Jerome. He calls her Betty, twice. We stop at a Mexican restaurant. I groan because I don't like Mexican food; It's too spicy. He says they have rooms in the basement, meaning a motel like place and I can see the handwriting on the wall. I don't want to have an affair with him, but I go in anyway." }, { "number": "2046", "head": "01/28/92", "content": "I am in bed with Merle. We lay on opposite ends of the bed so that our genitals meet in the middle. As we talk, he maneuvers his penis into my vagina. I don't resist and I don't particularly help. He is pleased he has done this and was a bit sneaky doing it. I am amazed at the full size of his penis. His small deformed feet and legs are up by my face. His skin is soft, not unpleasant, but not \"normal.\" I feel some resistance, thinking this will mean I'll have to make love to him when I don't want to, like in a relationship. Then I relax into it some. Michael tells me he has kept a bulk file on me ever since I first met him. The disabled community did it. I am interested in seeing it. It has some articles on my hands. It has a secret file about my mother. She did something in 1942, or thereabouts (there were three or four dates) that wasn't exactly right. The newspaper article tells all. Aunt Rosalie is in it somewhere. I am glad to have this lost information." }, { "number": "2047", "head": "01/29/92", "content": "I'm in a car filled to the brim with relatives, I am amazed we can fit so many in the car. Everyone gets out, except me and the baby. I am annoyed because it is Aunt Rosalie's baby and now I have to take care of it. I hope she comes back soon. It crawls out and I have to retrieve it back into the car. Later, I watch a young blonde woman taking care of her baby. It is rambunctious and tries the mother's patience, but I am impressed with how patient and kind the young mother is. She talks soothingly and is aware the baby is just doing what it's supposed to do and she lays near it so she can keep it out of trouble as it explores its world. Now I see the skyline of Paris. I see the palace, the Eiffel Tower and a third thing (a landmark). I point this out to a taxi driver. I try to say \"palace\" and realize I mean \"museum.\" I say \"meuseo,\" like in French. He gets it. I'm a tourist and I'm going sightseeing. Now I am inside the old T City house showing the girls where my Grandmother Mildred raised her children, my past. The rooms are all changed and more spacious and modern and I keep pointing out to the girls that it wasn't this good when I lived there. The girls seem unimpressed. \"Three bedrooms,\" they say. But, I say, \"There were nine people and one of the bedrooms was added on later.\" We look in one bedroom. I wonder what kind of bed will be there. It is a pretty, brass frame double bed with yellow and white ruffly bedspread. Oh, this is Doreen's room that had been renovated for her more modern tastes. I had expected to see a single, plain bed. We go to the kitchen. In the hall before the kitchen I look in an open closet space and notice it's empty now. That's where they kept the dead, like the baby. In the kitchen, I look around for the current caretaker of this place. I see four sinks and think, \"Just like in a dream, repetition.\" I see a pantry. I can't get back out because the stove and a cabinet have slid together. I say, \"How do I get out?\" One of my girls pushes them apart and we get through. I see a letter I had written the caretaker from Paris, telling them we'd be here on this date to see the old place. I wonder where they are and decide they left to give us time and space to review the past alone. Now I go outside and it's a huge dune at the beach. I walk up it very laboriously, sliding down a lot. I make it to the top only to see a huge dune sand worm (like in DUNE movie) rearing up. I turn and slide down the dune in terror. It chases me. I bury myself in the sand so it won't see me, at first fully under the sand but can't breathe, so I unbury my face." }, { "number": "2048", "head": "01/30/92", "content": "I am a beautiful young woman in perfect physical shape in a two-piece white bathing suit, like in those Beach Blanket Bingo movies or Gidget. I have my surf board. The men are all lounging around on the beach. As I approach the water, they laugh and scoff because this is their \"turf\" and I'm just a woman. A James Darren-type man watches with interest. I go out and surf very well, which amazes the men. I go back out and do it again, showing my stamina. Then, I choose to go out even farther than they dare, to the really big waves that are wild and deep. I have some trouble but make it in, I crash and get back up, sand all over me and in my mouth. I carry my board and go to a standing shower head and rinse myself off and drink the water, spitting it out to clear out the sand. As I am showering, a huge crowd of ordinary \"tourists\" come by, all carrying huge black spears. They trample my surf board and I interrupt them and pull by board to safety. I then cleverly point them to another beach so they won't infest the surfing beach. They go on. Now I meet the male leader of the surfers who is almost growling at me. He doesn't like me or rather his territory has been invaded. I coolly stand up to him. #2, James, is warmly proud of me. I then try to decide if I am going to surf at low tide and do a surf estuary. I see the water washing back and forth on the exposed rocks. I decide not too. Not much excitement in that." }, { "number": "2049", "head": "01/30/92", "content": "I am looking at glassware at a garage sale, a pretty glass platter and some hand blown glassware. It seems a bit spendy and though I like them, I choose not to buy them. I move on to the next table area, leaving room for other women to get the glassware. The next area is a huge sewing machine with a drawer that swings open to reveal thousands of brightly colored threads and bobbins. I close the drawer to get a better look at the miniatures underneath it, on the floor. I see a cunningly made sewing machine with recipe books that open, buttons that work and levers that work. I am impressed with the workmanship and the many things that really work. I next look at a small square box like thing made of logs that opens up on top and is a stove. I see a pile of small squarish pieces of wood that have lots of resin on it so it will burn well. Someone puts one in the stove and lights it. I am amazed that the wood stove doesn't burn down with the wood fuel! How does it do that?" }, { "number": "2050", "head": "02/01/92", "content": "I go down some stairs. I enter a room. An older, slightly pudgy man is there. I am accompanied by a man. The older man is smiling at me in a neutral sort of way. I come into the room. He shows me a garbage disposal unit that shoots out acid and kills or disfigures anyone who accidentally uses it. I am shocked. \"What about the children?\" I ask. \"If they don't know this danger is there, they will be hurt.\" He shrugs. It doesn't matter to him. He smilingly tells me this whole room is booby trapped like that. I am afraid now to move because I don't know where the traps are. I look over at some sinks and reach over and kick at the side panel of the cabinet. The cabinet faces the man and the man gets concerned because, I guess, I have found a potential trap and it is pointed at him, not me. He moves quickly. A cat is attracted to the sound of a frightened bird flying out of the room and the cat (the helper man who was with me) runs in pursuit of the bird. Now I'm really scared because I'm trapped in this crazy room. I see some pills on the floor and run suddenly to get them. The man tries to get them before I do, but I scoop them up in my hands. He could easily take them out of my hands and I know that. I edge away, hoping my helper man comes back soon. I feel frozen with fear because if my helper man doesn't return from his hunt. I am going to be eaten by this older man and he will crunch my bones in his teeth after stripping off all the meat. Then I feel confident that all I have to do is wait and this man can't hurt me and then the freezing fear would return." }, { "number": "2051", "head": "02/03/92", "content": "I see some new kittens that are very cute and go over and pick up several of the youngest ones. I pet them and they are at first afraid and then calm down. As I sit on the lawn holding the kittens, I look up and see Rover's sweet face as she crawls up to me to be petted looking as though I would send her away or hit her. I am shocked because I thought she was dead. I wonder if she'd been buried alive all this time or if the girls had not told me the truth and had let her go and not put her to sleep. I feel sorry for her having been buried so long with no one to pet her. I can see she desperately needs affection and love. I pet her and talk softly to her, hoping we aren't hurting the new kitties as they sit on my lap, now scrunched by Rover trying to get close to be loved." }, { "number": "2052", "head": "02/03/92", "content": "No images; just a feeling that the older man who eats bones (my old animus or my physical body) is softening up and being more safe to have." }, { "number": "2053", "head": "02/04/92", "content": "High school friend Dora and I are walking to town and come to the bridge that goes across the river. This town has two rivers in it. As I start to walk on the bridge, I am shocked to see that boards are rotten and holes come through the wood. This is an arched sort of oriental shaped wood bridge. I am afraid to set my foot down and then realize that this hasn't yet happened, but is on the verge of happening. I gingerly walk across, afraid I'll fall through at each step. I look out at the quick rapids in the river and am afraid. I see an animal \"caught\" in a skin of water. I say, \"Is that a dolphin?\" Dora says, \"No, a seal.\" He's having a hard time making it through the tunnel enclosed around him. I decide maybe I should move from this town so I don't have to always be going across this dangerous bridge. It makes me sad because I like this town. I remember we left our luggage and ask Dora if we shouldn't go back and get our luggage. She says we came here to get the key to our luggage. She asks the guard at the end of the bridge for the keys. He gives them to her and we go back across. I see Dora/Jennifer H hanging by her knees in a swing thing on a tree, laughing." }, { "number": "2054", "head": "02/04/92", "content": "I am seated in a classroom with lots of different-aged people, kids and adults studying together. Someone is at the board writing words down for the \"game.\" I don't know the game and only half attend to the words as I also watch others. Some of them go up to the board and click on their video/computer things and look at colored images on the blackboard. Someone talks about the importance of the lap words. I realize I should write down those words that were already erased off the board. I remember the word \"warf,\" I remember \"gasoline\" and \"Tylenol\" But then I realize the last two words aren't the \"lap\" words. I go up to the board to try and see if any of their words could still be read after they were erased. I complain that it's dark and the colored images overlap where the words had been. \"How can anyone see the words like this?\" I mumble. I go back and sit. I remember one more word \"III,\" and write it. A boy comes over and wants to know did I remember to get him a pen knife. I smile and say yes. He's happy. I wonder should I give a knife to a boy so young. I feel sorry he has to study this with adults. It must be frustrating for him." }, { "number": "2055", "head": "02/05/92", "content": "I am traveling in my wheelchair down country roads. I want to go to a resort town. I come to a cliff where the earth stops and a huge tree is the only way down. I get out of my wheelchair and shinny down the tree, literally getting out on limbs and feeling shaky and not too safe, but managing to get from one branch to another and on down to the ground. I'm in Mexico now and at a hotel with Paulina, my daughter. There are American tourists around but I don't really like them, sort of the ugly American type. I speak Spanish as best I can and can't remember lots of words. I go on a tour with a woman employee of the hotel. She shows me a path next to a river and we walk. I see a square bit of water and say, \"Is this a lake?\" She says, \"No, it's a massage table.\" I look again and see it's a water bed kind of mattress and is next to windows where a person could be soothingly massaged while seeing the beautiful landscape. I want to do that. Then I notice a huge stairway and realize that is the front (el frente) of the hotel and we had taken a circular path from the hotel around it to the front. The guide is pleased that I noticed. I go back in and go to a buffet breakfast. I find fruit and look for pancakes and so on. Then Paulina and I go to our room and I have her try on a beige lace dress I want to wear. We are going to refit it so I can wear it. I pull up the waist and realize that if I wear it as is, it will be fine. I am surprised because I thought we'd have to spend days fixing it. I try it on and say, \"I hope I remembered to pack my slip,\" because the dress is see-through with all the lace. I realize I still look pretty good and the fat belly actually looks kind of alluring, like a belly dancer's belly." }, { "number": "2056", "head": "02/06/92", "content": "I am in a big house where my detective dad Nick Nolte and my mother and I live. We are upstairs (reminds me a bit of Canton house). My father is asking me what I am doing. \"I am cleaning up my room,\" I say, trying to please him. I fold up sheets and a bedspread. I put the pile on the bed, which is actually his and my mother's. Before he can say anything, I tell him I am only temporarily laying them there. I'm not just moving things around and making new piles. He waits. I hand him the pile and he starts to put them up on the shelf in a closet. My hand gets stuck in the folds of the bedspread and I'm being stretched up as he reaches. \"Hey, hey, my hand,\" I say several times. He realizes and releases me. Then I pick up a pile of ashtrays near the bed. \"Do you still smoke?\" I ask. He says, \"Of course not.\" I pick them all up and then decide to leave one small one for my mother because she hasn't stopped smoking. The ashtrays are a beautiful red glass. I ask Dad about his most interesting case he solved. He doesn't want to encourage me, but he does tell about one called Tom who would slap his leg a particular way that gave him away. I listened carefully. Then I look down the hall and see Tom with a gun at the head of Dad's partner. My father says to me, \"Get back in there and whatever you do, don't try to be a detective.\" I should just do whatever he says. I go back in, but peek out. My father is gone, but this Tom is rounding up lots of people. I am surprised to see my Grandma Agnes and her husband. I am upset; she's an old woman and sick. Too bad he's bothering her. I creep down the hall and watch as he takes the group into another room. I hear the clicks of the gun being fired at this man's head, but I guess there are no bullets because nothing happens. I think, \"Why don't these people all rush him, a man with out bullets?\" But they are all afraid to be the first. Then Tom demands my sister Lydia cut some paper for him with scissors and I hear the same click from the scissors and realize he does have bullets. I remember an attic crawl-way and I sneak back into the bedroom and up into the attic. It's dark and I wonder if I remembered to bring food or anything because I'll be there for days. I quietly creep to where I can look down and see him. I am trying to wait for an opportunity to strike and get the gun." }, { "number": "2057", "head": "02/06/92", "content": "My mother wants me to go outside and enjoy the sunshine. I am lazily seated in a chair, like I haven't exercised in years. My father talks about his books. I ask why he's going to give them away if he loves them. He says he only loves a few of them. \"But the music ones?\" I ask. \"Only a few; most of them were given by others and I have no interest in them.\"" }, { "number": "2058", "head": "02/07/92", "content": "There is a team, a male writer and a female photographer. They travel around doing important news assignments. They are very good and I admire them. As luck would have it, the female isn't there anymore, maybe sick or busy, and so I get to be a substitute for her temporarily. I feel honored and inferior. I hope I am capable and worthy of this. He wears a brown suit and is good-looking. He says on Monday night, we have to dress up. \"A long dress?\" I ask. He says, \"Yes, black dress.\" I think, \"I didn't pack anything pretty and formal.\" Then I decide that I did, but it's red. \"Will a red dress do?\" I ask. He pauses. A red dress in a sea of black dresses will be conspicuous, but he smiles and says, \"Why not?\" Then I wonder if I can do my hair so it will look good. Then I decide I can. So we travel and he sees that I am talented and more and more we become a team. I write and he writes and it all works well together. He gets on a bike and starts to go to an assignment up a hill. As I watch him, I think, \"This is amazing. This all feels so real and yet it is just a dream.\" I experience how real it feels. He then stops and turns and dashes back to me as fast as he can go, swooshing in next to me, all excited because he's realized that I am wonderful and he loves me. He tells me this and we hug. Now he's in jeans and tee-shirt, has black hair, and black framed glasses. I am lying down and when he and I embrace, I feel a pain in the genital area. He says he put cardboard there so he'd look and feel like he had a bigger penis. As we hug, I feel so happy to be connected with him and then I say, \"I'll probably wake up hugging a pillow. This is after all, just a dream.\" He starts shaking and I say, \"Shock. It's shock, adrenaline.\" I pat his leg reassuringly and wait. He moves away and lays on the edge of the couch back on his belly and shakes. I wait. Then Toni comes in with the baby. She has bathed it and it is crying. I say, \"Here, let me hold it.\" I pick it up and hold the naked baby in its blanket. It calms down. Ginny is seated on another couch looking at some of my plants. The color looks yellow on one of them. Toni comes over and picks one plant up, pulling it out by the roots. Ginny is shocked and says, \"No, don't do that.\" Toni says, \"It's ok. This is a plant my sister gave me. Its different.\" She moves it through the air across the top of the planter and magic dust comes out of it and then a bunch of white daisies spring up and they are quite beautiful. I am interested in watching this." }, { "number": "2059", "head": "02/08/92", "content": "I feel strong violation. Willie and Nate have raped me. I feel sad when I see Abner and then with difficulty remember that he didn't do the raping. I am relieved because I like him. A Robin Williams kind of man is very gentle and nice. I am afraid of him but I also want his affection. I like him. I see the pictures of two small girls (maybe 4 or 5 years old) looking very sweet and innocently sexy. I feel strong sadness and anger that these children were molested by the rapers." }, { "number": "2060", "head": "02/09/92", "content": "I am looking for an office where I'm supposed to give a speech or presentation for VR counselors. I neglected to write the information down but I have the address memorized. Between 2nd and B I find the place I thought it was, but it is a store. I look and look, going around the corner to where the street logically should be, but I can't find it. I try and try. Now I am concerned because I didn't write down the name or phone number of the woman contact that can tell me where I need to go. I feel foolish. I remember an old office and go there, driving. I find it an old University VR office and ask a man there. He figures it out and tells me they have moved their offices from where I was. So now I go and find the group. I am late, but I cleverly use my experience and relate it in a humorous way to teach them the steps they need to take. They are amused with my cleverness and impressed." }, { "number": "2061", "content": "(02/09/92)\"Men are immature and have plastic hearts.\" I finally find the VR place I'm supposed to be at and I am waiting. I see a line of magazines that people can take free copies of. I am amazed you can have Life magazines for free. They are very oversized. I see a magazine with a picture of Diane B on it and another one with Ellie. I realize these are my articles that I wrote. I want to see them. Diane is there looking over my shoulder. I see they printed my name exactly as I sent it, with errors and not in very large print. I realize I should have taken more care in the finishing details. What you see is what you get, I guess. I go look at a Life magazine. The front cover is moving pictures that look real. It's a bunch of tiny newborn male monkeys that are translucent, they are so new. The headline says, \"UGH.\" The article is about how immature males are and we now have clinical proof with these monkeys. They lack a female hormone so they don't mature till much later than females. I think, \"Huh, that explains why they act so immature.\" I go through a series of rooms, looking for someone, maybe my wife because now I'm Howard. He/I are sort of hiding from some authorities, perhaps medical or military. He/I goes up a circular tube cloth thing and squeeze through the small opening at the top. Now we are hidden in the second story area. But now the authorities are gone so he/I squeeze through and go down, in a hurry before someone thinks this tube is empty and uses it. He/I goes from room to room looking for my wife. We find her. There is some picture, maybe in a magazine, of a red plastic heart. It may be an advertisement. There is a son, a small boy." }, { "number": "2062", "head": "02/10/92", "content": "There is a huge sexual feeling of excitement. A woman gets in bed with me and I make love to her." }, { "number": "2063", "head": "02/10/92", "content": "I am rehearsing for a play and feel the realization that I could forget my lines, which is followed with a feeling of fear that I will, which creates the assurety that I will forget. I feel bad." }, { "number": "2064", "head": "02/10/92", "content": "I am tired. I just did two days of speaking at a conference. I am Oprah Winfrey. I go to the hotel room, which is quite expensive. My husband and I are supposed to leave this hotel and go to a cheaper one, but I am so tired that we decide to stay another night here. All I want is to swim in the pool and watch a little TV and sleep. My husband is very supportive. I go to the window and call out encouragement for the women's volleyball team. I am now a helper of Oprah and do an interview for her so she can rest. Now it's time to leave and I'm late and missed the bus, so there's a car load of Boy Scouts who have room for one more. It's a tight squeeze to get my wheelchair folded up in the back, and then I squeeze into the back seat with the boys. I notice that the driver is also in the back seat, with steering wheel and buttons there. I look in the front where there is also a steering wheel and lights and buttons that the boys are pretend driving with. It isn't functional though. We go and arrive at a house, possibly my parents'. I come in. The driver hands me a pie. I start to eat it - whipped cream and so on. My mother notices the meat chunks in the pie (like turkey or chicken hearts or gizzards) are not done yet, nearly raw. I remember the driver had not cooked it for very long, so she goes to cook it a bit more. My father is disappointed and leaves. Now I see a fan going to a room where Elvis is. He wants Elvis to autograph his orange. Elvis is rude, selfish, spoiled and arrogant. He pokes the pen into the orange and growls a few sarcastic words at the fan (male). I go in next and ask him to autograph my orange. Elvis would like to have an affair with me but I spurn him with some contempt. I tell him what I think of him." }, { "number": "2065", "content": "(02/10/92)(nap) \"Walking naked on another path and all spiritual people come from M City, it's the law.\" My parents and I are walking down a road, sort of a dirt road through a woods. They want to show me a bird. They get in a stream of water and walk in it. I am still on the road, with a fence between us. My mother slips and falls and sits underwater. I want to help her up but I'm held back by the fence. I wonder why my father isn't helping her. She's there a long time when my father finally helps her up. Now they are both naked and walking in the water. I see a broken gap in the wire fence and I wiggle through. I'm up on the embankment. They join me. I now am naked and a little curious to see my father naked, but embarrassed to look at his genital area. We come to the end of this path at a cliff and my father crawls up to get the bird to show me. I say that it's a new law now that all spiritual people must come from M City (India) and isn't that silly? Lots of good people don't come from there. We are now all walking back and I go through the fence to the dirt road. A man is coming toward me to talk with me. My father is urgently reminding me to put my dress back on! I do so quickly and the man looks at me and comments on how refreshed and cool I look. I notice he is hot and sweaty. I am still cool from the lovely walk in the water." }, { "number": "2066", "content": "(02/11/92)\"Aliens play rough.\" A man and a woman are in a space ship coming back to earth. But the door pops open and the lock won't hold and the woman says, \"Thank goodness you are already malfunctioning (perhaps dead) and can't breathe or this could have been fatal.\" He agrees and struggles to get the latch to hold. She suggests they have tea and starts to go to the \"kitchen,\" when they notice the furniture is all floating around. This is bad news because soon they are going into earth orbit, and as soon as they hit gravity they could be killed by all the heavy, falling furniture. He grabs for big lamps and things and is trying to secure them down. Just then a green pickup truck smashes into the plate glass window and breaks it. An alien dressed as a deer hunter gets out and says cheerfully, \"You caused me enough trouble; now my lions are going to get you.\" The man/me tries to explain this isn't OK (not a good time). He didn't mean to cause trouble and this is all too much. The man's left arm hangs useless. It's hurt (like the bus driver last night), but the alien doesn't believe him. So the lion attacks and the man fights with a metal hook thing with his one arm. It's a touch and go battle but finally the man whams the lion on the head enough times to nearly kill it. The lion's plastic white eyelids shut so we know he's near death. Once more the hook hits (like Lacrosse or racquet ball) and hooks him in his throat. He dies. The alien is impressed. Now the man explains his predicament: the door is open, the window broken, the heavy furniture floating and soon he'll hit orbit. The alien apologizes and agrees to help. The alien says, \"I only meant to entertain you. I thought you were out here for a long trip and needed something to break the boredom. I know what that's like! I didn't realize you were only here for a couple of weeks.\" He helps fix things, then the man goes to the kitchen and requests the woman eat/smoke/drink particular things so he can enjoy that flavor. She is happy to comply and requests from him her particular flavor." }, { "number": "2067", "head": "02/13/92", "content": "I am a fan and Elvis is bored. He's way up high on a stage singing and I am way on the floor listening. After he's through singing, his manager or someone whisks him away from the crowd. I get caught up in that and it is decided I can keep him company. We go to a room and Elvis says, \"Sit here.\" I thought he meant on his lap. But he was indicating the chair across from him. I sit and talk like an empathetic counselor, \"You look tired.\"" }, { "number": "2068", "head": "02/13/92", "content": "I win the Academy Award for a movie I'm in. Afterwards, I rush to the library to do research I'm interested in. I feel quite proud that I choose not to join my well wishers in a fun party, but go right on with my work. I am questioned at the library why I've parked my wheelchair in this one spot. It's not allowed. I tell the woman that I have permission to park there." }, { "number": "2069", "head": "02/13/92", "content": "I am going somewhere in my wheelchair and I am going through other people's houses. I enter the back door, drive through the rooms and go out the front door. In the last house, a boy sees me and is angry. \"What are you doing in my house?\" he asks. I feel embarrassed. I don't know why I did this. I assure him I'm just passing through. I am not stealing things. He then relaxes. I go out and notice the house so I can return. It is made of cement block and white wrought iron trim. It's kind of ugly and I am surprised because the inside looked sort of ritzy. I see the numbers 5555 on the house and check the street signs. It's back a ways near the corner of 7th street and 11th street. I go on after double checking where it is so I'll remember." }, { "number": "2070", "head": "02/13/92", "content": "I did research on a board game and played it myself to understand it. It involves movie stars. I now am sharing the game with a group of friends: Hillary of Merton Circle, Bob M of Counseling and two other women. I look up to the ceiling and see four large glass or ceramic things we'd somehow secured up there. One is a large cat ceramic (like the one on my fireplace). Another is a dog one, like a cookie jar. One is a huge red glass bowl with ornate embossed patterns on it, very Victorian and beautiful. I notice it's crooked and may fall. I am concerned because we are seated right under it. In the game, there is a MaMa card and a Doctor card. There are four categories to choose from. One is a picture of a young girl (7-8 years old) fleeing from a woman, perhaps in Indian (eastern) dress or early 1900's dress. The theme is the girl was hurt very badly by her mother. I don't remember the other three categories. I see Ginger Rogers seated near the board. She is one of the women in the group, and I say, \"You were my mother in a movie. I'm not surprised you don't remember, I had forgotten too.\" Now I'm having trouble remembering how to play the game and it is getting boring. I fold it up like an accordion credit card holder, wondering why I thought it was such a good game. [BL]" }, { "number": "2071", "head": "02/13/92", "content": "I'm on stage with the same group from the last dream. We are doing a play and in the middle of it someone says, \"Wait a minute, I have to go get something.\" She leaves the stage and we are left with a long pause. We begin to improvise to stall for time. The audience is seated behind a house wall instead of a curtain. I talk chit chat for a while and then I go downstage and play on a piano. I start with Beethoven's 5th and play the Flight of the Bumblebee and other things with huge, loud chords crashing around. I was splendid. I am surprised because I can't play the piano like this. I peek over the top of the upright piano and wiggle my eyebrows at the audience and they laugh. I continue to clown and play this wonderful music. Finally the woman returns and we continue with the play. Now it's after and the group each has some things in their corner and we are sharing with each other what we have (talking about the things). Bob M says, \"I'll just count my money now,\" and ignores us like he's bored and will do something useful for awhile. I am annoyed at him because he's choosing to not be a part of our circle. Hillary and I lean on each other and feel the same way. I see a beautiful wooden carved tea chest with teas in it. I like it and suggest that we can choose to trade with one another if we liked what the other had better than what we had. This was agreeable with everyone. I traded for the tea chest, and opened the little drawers happily looking at the pretty colored packages of different teas." }, { "number": "2072", "head": "02/14/92", "content": "Howard and I are going for a drive in the woods in my van. He's tired. It's an eastern (state) forest road with all hills and dirt. I see a huge geode with beautiful crystals in it way up high in a tree on the right. I say, \"Oh, look!\" Howard missed it. I ask him to stop and turn around. He does. We are at the end of the road and driving among the trees. He turns and we go back. We look as we drive past and I say, \"Let's go see if there are some small shards that have fallen where we can get some.\" He agrees and looks for a place to turn as the road we are back on is so narrow. I place my left hand back on the seat behind his head and I'm aware of his head touching my hand and realize it's quite pleasant to have gentle contact with him. He moves his head away like it annoyed him. I'm sorry the connection got broken. We stop at a very steep part of the road as he thinks about whether or not we'll tip over if we go down it. I offer to drive, but I don't want to. We go down and are OK and I see a space wide enough to turn in. I see two women walking on the road and we follow. Now we're walking and my knee hurts. Howard has a headache. We walk down lots of wooden steps and I think, \"No wonder my knee hurts.\" The two women are ahead of us with other tourists. I see that Wayne K of the community college is ahead directing a musical group to sing. He's at a door and says, \"I lead a band of swing.\" The women introduce themselves and I turn surprised to Howard who is now Dwight. I say, \"Did she say Sanders?\" She had. I go up to her and say, \"I'm Sanders and this is my brother, Dwight Sanders.\" She says, \"Are you related to the Carolina Sanders?\" (There brother James is also there.) I say, \"Yes,\" and I recite the family line from my Uncle Willis's book. I tell of Francis and Ohio and Virginia to Carolina and then coming from England as indentured servants and horse thieves. They are excited and one woman whispers a question. I can't hear it and ask her to repeat it three or four times and then she goes away. I feel frustrated and embarrassed that I couldn't hear it." }, { "number": "2073", "head": "02/14/92", "content": "A cream-colored Persian cat (mine) is being judged in a contest. She's really very good. I am pleased and proud. In the dream, I wonder what she symbolizes for me, arrogance or femininity." }, { "number": "2074", "head": "02/14/92", "content": "Corinne gets a new computer. I come over and use it. New user script #5 is on the screen." }, { "number": "2075", "head": "02/14/92", "content": "Aunt Elaine's house and Patricia and Morton are there. I try to call him Nate." }, { "number": "2076", "head": "02/14/92", "content": "I'm in a house. There are lots of rooms. I keep going from one to the other looking for what, I do not know. Howard's things are in a dresser (see illustration in original dream book). I can't find my writing. There are lots of beds, single beds; no place to really sleep. The little girl is upset. I take her hand. Someone knocks on the living room door. We go into the hall and into the living room. Several people have sick little people/animals. One \"dog\" is a tiny, naked man. He's also like a baby. Someone (woman) pulls out a worm from his nose. It grows and looks like a crawly white scorpion thing and I say, \"Don't do that.\" They take out another one and I realize these things will grow and crawl around and get past them. \"At least kill them if you are going to let them out,\" I say. A woman cuts them with a scissors. I feel they are being irresponsible and endangering me and the little girl. I look closely at the objects on the three pianos and realize they are just like the ones in my parents' house. I am agitated and take the girl and go back to find Howard. Down the hall I go. We pass a room where I see the little girl's exact duplicate, and am amazed. I go to my writing room, but it's crowded with things. I go back to the room where the duplicate girl is and hesitantly enter. A bed with a man in it is on the right. He looks at me and I apologize for going into his place. He smiles and welcomes me. \"Dad,\" he calls and a man comes in from a door. He's very tall. I explain that I saw the duplicate girl and I don't know what to do because my house is full of things that aren't mine. The men are very sympathetic and smile because they had come here in just such an upset state with their little boy. They can help." }, { "number": "2077", "head": "02/14/92", "content": "I am in bed with a little girl. I get up and try to brush my hair and see huge bald pink spots on my head. I am appalled. I try to brush my hair to cover it up. It's a mess. Then I see my breasts and they have huge dark nipples and a deep purple rash under one breast. Then I notice the same rash under my knees. I am sick, thinking this is some awful disease. Then the purple starts disappearing like a skin color would when the pressure is off (like my ankle). I think to myself that I should spend more time looking at myself in the mirror." }, { "number": "2078", "head": "02/14/92", "content": "A nurse talks to my little girl and is going to show her some things in a glass cabinet like a counter in a store. It is against my wishes because she had wanted to, but I didn't want her to. As the nurse, like the goody two shoes she is, shows her things, the girl also steals things like I knew she would. The idealist nurse brings the girl back to me and I point out a list of items and one thing the girl has isn't on the list (or vice versa). Anyway, I deliberately squealed on the girl. The nurse is surprised. I say, \"You took her from me because you felt I wasn't giving her enough experiences and you were right to some extent, but I knew she would steal you blind. She is manipulative. You didn't know that.\" The nurse leaves us and now a doctor watches me from a distance and then writes a soap opera based on things I do and say. It's quite popular and people laugh. I am unaware of all this until I see it. Now the doctor likes me and wants to marry me. My husband, Spencer Tracy, says to him, \"So you just want me to move out, huh? Well, OK, as long as you leave a bridge so I came come back now and again and visit. It's probably better this way anyway,\" he says. \"I would be better off living alone.\" The doctor asks him where he'll go. He says, \"If I go to live alone with someone, the safest place would be Brazil, where there is lots of food.\" I see the jungles like I'm in a plane and then I see a dinosaur looking up at me. \"And,\" he continues, \"lots of food that can eat me.\" Or he may live in the tropics under a palm tree - no house, no clutter, no things. It sounds good." }, { "number": "2079", "head": "02/17/92", "content": "There is a school, perhaps a college, a man. Now I am the new college president. I am building my own college in the deserts of Central (state), near a small town of hicks, in beautiful landscapes of rust colored mountains covered at the top with clouds and in the shape of a cascade mountain, but no snow; rolling hills. I now inspect the campus starting with my office. It is a very pleasant place with windows and mirrors. I go down long halls where the rooms are on each side that I can't see into. They are still being built and are boarded up. I try to imagine what they will look like. It is too much work for the dream imagination to create the details. I come to a ramped sidewalk thing with side walls that are too skinny and keep squeezing me and I keep trying to force them to be more open and accommodating, and finally succeed. The motto of the school or philosophy is that \"the process is more important than the knowledge.\" This is a new way of thinking. I must choose teachers who are open, flexible, honest and creative. Students can goof off, but they are tracked to a goof off track where teachers and counselors work with that energy to transform and \"get it more on a productive track.\" I see Judith who is coming to be interviewed for the teaching job. I give her a packet of tests to take: Meyers Briggs, and some others that I derived from years of working with knowledge-based teachers, what not to be kinds of tests, or measurements." }, { "number": "2080", "head": "02/18/92", "content": "There's a room full of men who are mindlessly having sex with one another, sort of a sadistic kind of thing. One of them bites me on the ankle and the skin blows up like a transparent balloon and will explode if I'm not careful. I look to where they bite at the back of the ankle and see a dark purple fill up the skin and then the balloon rise of the transparent skin. This is supposedly very sexual, but I don't feel sexual excitement." }, { "number": "2081", "head": "02/19/92", "content": "I am at a beach with two other women and they point out Merle in his wheelchair and ask if he's tried to date me yet because he's been hitting on them. I feel sadness. I say, \"Yes, he has, but, you know, I'm just not interested.\" I walk down a boardwalk to the beach, and somehow skin my knee. A lifeguard with white blonde hair puts a bandage around it and around my wrist. It is too loose and will come off so Michael has some tape and we are taping the gauze bandage down more tightly. Now I'm ready to play. The lifeguard watches me. My observer point of view is right behind his head. He watches and then walks toward me. Now the point of view is with me and I see a big dog approaching me. He/the lifeguard lays down next to me. I pet him and start to lay one leg up over his back and then change my mind because it could be considered sexual. The dog/lifeguard is intense." }, { "number": "2082", "head": "02/19/92", "content": "A woman who lost lots of weight and used to be Jean is in the house with me. We have jobs to do. I think it's like Grandma Mildred's house. A man is in charge. I talk with Jean and tell her I'm amazed at how changed she is. She says she did lots of counseling. I want to ask her if she is still seeing Blake. I wonder if he got divorced, since she said they are seeing each other. I think I'm a bit envious." }, { "number": "2083", "head": "02/20/92", "content": "I am giving a huge celebration party for my parents. They are 70 years old. I see my mother sitting sideways in a small motor boat with a child. She looks old. I am surprised she is there. She seems to be enjoying herself. The house is large. I go back in and show Bonnie how I've set up the rooms. I go downstairs and say, \"This is the hardest room.\" A huge table is set up with a tablecloth but nothing else on it yet. My concern is that there will be too many relatives and I want them to all sit down together to eat. I show Bonnie two other areas where chairs have been set up for people to sit and converse comfortably. I see there are so many chairs that there's hardly room for the people, so I say to Bonnie, \"Let's put up the folding chairs and make more room.\" She and I do that. Now Aunt Naomi is there and Aunt Rosalie and some cousins. We great them. I see some cousins sitting in an adjourning area and see their small newborn baby. I think it's sweet and I go in to get a closer look. I then see another cousin holding a squirrel and I pick it up instead of the baby. It has a large black dog-like nose. Now I give it back and go to the stairs. Everyone is going upstairs. I try to walk up the stairs, but halfway up I am stopped because the step is huge. I have to stick my right foot way up on the banister and try and hoist myself up. I can't do it and I say to Bonnie, \"I'll meet you up there, I'll go find another way.\" I see another door and walk toward it. I see a ramp leading outdoors and see a dog turd on it. I go outside to go around to the front door and back in. Dwight is there somewhere." }, { "number": "2084", "head": "02/20/92", "content": "I and two men are in a large house. We've been up all night writing. Taking turns writing in a computer in a small room that looks out over the ocean. I am distracted from writing when I glance out the window and see how very blue the water is and I think I see a seal. But it is two black dogs sitting in a shrub tree. Then I see penguins and gulls all over. I realize it is the rocky surf and not yet the ocean I am looking at. The ocean is much further out. It is low tide. I then realize I'll never get my writing done if I spend all my time gazing at my ocean. The one man and I are a team helping each other as we write and co-writing the thing. There is a good mutual admiration society going on. [BL]" }, { "number": "2085", "head": "02/21/92", "content": "I am shocked to realize that the nice girl who was babysitting the children for only an hour ate the children. She is also an alien, with eyes that look like tennis balls. She changes into that shape all of a sudden terrifying me and she roars an awful sound. If you are touched by her, you turn into one too. I am now taking care of a woman who sits meekly in a rocking chair. Suddenly, as I am leaning over her to help her, I drool and grin and the alien head pops on and I roar. Now I am trapped and must stay in the small cabin. I try to lock the doors to keep people out. I don't know who is alien and who isn't. I realize I must kill myself and so must the other woman to save everyone else. I don't want to die but I must. There is no other way. A woman named Mary stands outside calling to me. She says \"See, you don't have to kill yourself. I was an alien and now I'm OK.\" I don't quite believe her and hesitate. What should I do?" }, { "number": "2086", "head": "02/22/92", "content": "I decide to take Abner's baby for a few hours. I don't tell him. It ends up I kept the baby overnight and now I feel guilty because I never called Abner to let him know and he must be worried. I worry he'll really be mad at me when he gets the baby. I am standing in the middle of a huge grocery store looking for some food to give the baby. I see packages of baloney, cheese and so on. I choose to feed her cheese and crackers. Then I remember she eats cereal and milk and decide to find some for her." }, { "number": "2087", "head": "02/22/92", "content": "I am driving down the coast highway in my wheelchair and suddenly have trouble going because the joy stick has snapped off. I try to put it back on but it keeps falling off. I go to a store and see a man in there and ask him if he can fix it. I am in N City. Later I see my father and he says he's going into town. I say, \"Well, if it's not too far for you, why not walk the five miles with me? Good exercise for you.\" He agrees and I feel good we will have this time together. Then someone drives up and says to my father, \"Hop in, we'll give you a ride,\" and he does, completely forgetting me. I feel hurt and abandoned. I then suggest to them (my mother and brothers and my father) that if we all went in my van, I could join them. They agree, feeling a little bad they didn't think of it before. Then my mother shows me a present she got me. I unzip the package and see two cute jackets for a child, size 4. They are vest-like jackets in a pretty green plaid. There are words knitted into the waist band, something about enjoying the outdoors and river rafting. Someone says that they'll exchange the clothes for some my adult size since I've decided to like the emerald green color (like I've matured somehow and accepted the goodness of that color and allowed myself to wear this color)." }, { "number": "2088", "content": "(02/22/92)\"Interpreting the dream in the dream.\" Mary and I are deciding to jump in the river. It looks pretty awesome with huge waves and white water, but we do it anyway. It is potentially dangerous and we dive in and swim frantically, but not afraid. After a while, we see a pasture and farm buildings on the left bank. The fence is open and we swim over and get on land, deciding that this might be the prudent thing to do as we don't know how much worse the river will get around the bend. We walk toward the buildings and on my left I see lots of objects lined up and I think excitedly, \"How interesting, dream symbols.\" I wonder what they mean and I try to look at each one and remember what was there so I can write them down [I don't remember now what they were]. Then we see a big blackboard. We're visiting a classroom which is in this huge pasture area. On the blackboard the words, \"The vertical cannot be seen until the horizontal is understood\" are written and then I see drawn pictures of furniture where I can see the vertical lines and barely make out the horizontal ones. I am very impressed at the message from my dream and feel a moment of great insight. Now we are observing the class. I see a young boy and say, \"I'll bet I can guess your age.\" I'm about to guess 5th grade when he says, \"High school.\" I tell him I used to be a 3rd grade teacher and was glad I didn't show up my ignorance by guessing his age. I see some boys resting on mats on the floor for nap time. I place an object by one boy. I think I am returning it to him after looking at it. Then I share a couch with a girl. I curl up on it. There's not much room for me. I watch as the 3rd grade teacher, male, takes my daughter Dovre outside to play flute and music. The class is well behaved, everyone doing what they are supposed to be doing. Some of them look out the window at Dovre and the teacher. The teacher comes in with his face in a frown and a toothpick in his mouth. Someone comments that he's mad and you can tell because of the way his mouth is closed around the toothpick. He is annoyed with the students and I am surprised because I thought them well behaved. He didn't, however, and reprimands them to get back to what they are supposed to be doing." }, { "number": "2089", "head": "02/23/92", "content": "I am in a house. Judy and Bill are there. I am packing up my things to leave. I pack books. I decide to take my broken laser printer and broken computer games also, rather than leave them and Grandma Mildred trying to use them. She would only get confused or frustrated. I'm leaving earlier than I expected. I'm not sure why I'm leaving now. Grandma is upset that I am going. Now I'm in the back seat of a car with Judy. Bill is in the front seat, driving. I realize that in my haste to leave, I left behind my pills and some clothes and so on that I will need in the morning. I apologize and say, \"I guess we'll have to go back.\" Bill is annoyed. I explain to Judy that if we don't go back now, then we'll waste much more time because if we wait until we get to our destination, we'd have to turn around anyway and go the whole distance back. They agree, annoyed. We return and walk into the house. Grandma Mildred sees me and is very angry. She walks upstairs and lies on her bed, deliberately not speaking or looking at me. I sigh and go to get my things. I leave and now I am alone in an office building. There are two men, doctors, and I am applying for a job. They are explaining that they do research and autopsies. I would be assisting them in the autopsy. Inwardly I'm thinking that I could never do this; it would make me sick. But outwardly I'm listening and nodding like of course I can do this. Then one says, \"Oh, we have to do an emergency one now. You'll have to help.\" I feel scared. The one doctor says, \"I'll perform the actual autopsy and this doctor will be my scrub nurse, since she has already gone home. You will do the receptionist and gofer work. OK?\" I agree, wondering if I can actually do it without fainting or getting sick. I see a body under a sheet." }, { "number": "2090", "head": "02/23/92", "content": "Something about being in the M City house and seated on the living room couch and then I am seated in a old-fashioned school desk made for two with a good-looking young man with salt and pepper gray hair. He and I are very lovey. It feels wonderful to be close to him and touch his hair and flirt. He is Alfred Hitchcock's son. We laugh at the funniness that would be if I were fat and he were skinny (beings as how Hitchcock was fat)." }, { "number": "2091", "head": "02/23/92", "content": "I receive a large package and I am intrigued about who could have sent it. It is filled with lots of little packages and notes on each one and I have to be careful not to rip any envelopes open because there are notes all over it. I carefully read it and exclaim, \"Oh, this is from Robert Price, the man I met in Alaska.\" We were at a party or festival at the end of school finals and met just at the end of it before I had to catch a train home. We were very drawn to one another, but the timing was wrong and I had to leave. He had talked about a place in Alaska where we could get together, like a resort, and enjoy each other's company in a restful atmosphere. In the package are fishing rods and I laugh because I don't fish and I remember the negative stuff around Howard giving me a left-handed fishing reel. I am not offended, however, but pleased. I see little lures and fly tackle and stuff and I say to Ginny, \"Look, he's courting me.\" She asks what I'm going to do about it. I say, \"Well, even if it doesn't work out, I'll always have this wonderful moment. At least someone is courting me.\" I am going to meet him in Alaska and give it a try." }, { "number": "2092", "head": "02/25/92", "content": "Tom Cruise is driving a car. His girlfriend is in the passenger side and I am in the back, between them, leaning over the front seat to talk with them. I see Tom copy some words off a paper and he wads it up and throws it away. I see it is a FIRO-B test form and I start to tell him all about how I was a counselor at the community college and gave that test which was developed by (I couldn't remember his name), that California Pop Psychology guy, oh, yeah, Will Schultz. I then say, \"I gave that test to all my family members and they sure didn't like that.\" I laugh. Then I see we are going across a huge river. The water level is right up to the edge of the road and a long, black, snaky hose thing is floating in the river. Now we go up on the bridge, which arches up high, and I see that the road is also water and we hit something submerged in the water. I look and see a tip of an iceberg shaped like a volcano. I say, \"Oh, look, there are those ice cubes, no, ice bergs.\" We slow down and hit a few more as we go." }, { "number": "2093", "head": "02/25/92", "content": "I am training a group of people and we are doing a bike race. I notice the roads are covered with ice and snow and it is slick. I am worried I won't be able to keep up with the students and feel inadequate. We are going to go across a bridge to Canada. But I'm told the bike lane is closed and we have to bike on the freeway part with the cars. I feel concerned. That is too dangerous." }, { "number": "2094", "head": "02/25/92", "content": "I'm in a line with my daughter Paulina. Then, I am the playwrighting class teacher, helping Jock teach the class. I've read the contest play entries and come into the classroom. No one is there. Jock is sick and the students haven't come in yet. I see Richard and we talk. I am attracted to him and he is sort of to me. I am aware he's younger. Now there is a bed in the room and I sit on it and Richard flirts and we hold hands and roll around playfully. There is some witty repartee as we \"dance\" with a push-pull feeling - like him or not like him, that is the question. My brother Dwight comes in and I try to introduce him to Richard and three other students that had come in late. I can't remember his name and call him Jackie and he corrects me and says Johnny. He's a bit annoyed with me. He gives me two cans of soda and his business card. I see on the card he makes wood toys and a woman says, \"Oh, do you carve them with his knife or your dick?\" He's leaving and retorts, \"You tell me, girl.\" He's out the door and I wisecrack, \"What a cutting remark,\" and laugh. He laughs and is gone. I feel a little badly that my sarcasm could be taken hurtfully (a cutting remark). A student named Nate wasn't going to be in today because his wife or girlfriend was knifed, but he shows up. I want to ask him how his girlfriend is doing, but so much is happening all at once." }, { "number": "2095", "head": "02/26/92", "content": "I see a baby girl wearing a sweater, and Howard is around and I get concerned and want the baby to change and not wear a revealing sweater so someone won't get the idea of playing with her breasts. A woman tells me I'm being silly and jumping to conclusions. I realize she's right. Now I'm somewhere and want some information. I've been invited to go to Africa and at first don't want to, too much energy and trouble, but then I realize this is a great opportunity and want to go, even though it means risk. Howard goes up to a man to ask a question for me. I know I should do it myself but I let him. The man grins and grabs Howard and hugs him in a New Age enlightened syrupy way and Howard sends me a speaking glance because this makes him feel silly. I laugh because it's so silly to see him standing there. It's a shared moment. I am eating a hard boiled egg and think, \"Now I'll have to share this with him,\" and then I want to share it with him, he's been so helpful." }, { "number": "2096", "head": "02/26/92", "content": "I am asleep on a chair recliner thing and some man, perhaps Ernie, but there is a feeling of Dwight also, stands watching me sleep. I can feel his sweet love. It's very universal, like deep friends. I wake and realize I haven't taken my pills this day and it's nearly evening, so Ginny brings me a pill and I say, \"I want to take all the ones I normally take.\" I sort through white ones and pink ones and yellow ones. I set aside the yellow ones. Now we are at a conference of some kind in a house. I had wanted to create or host this conference and Ernie chose to use his house and organize it for me because I wanted it. I feel very happy and grateful. He does an excellent job. An older woman and her nerdy son sit on a couch and a man drones on in a boring way. Finally after they leave, Ernie is cleaning up and chuckles at how this man is so narrow-minded and only spouted off in one subject. I am helping cleanup and I'm holding a baggie full of pot roast or stew. I am squeezing the watery grease from a hole in the bag into a plate. I have to be very careful because the plate fills up fast and will overflow. As I do this, Ernie laughs and says, \"He even managed to talk about 'A Horse Sex' from a Christian point of view.\" That was the name of a book the man was talking about. I see a book about Robinson Caruso or someone like that and comment that the woman gave it to me. I have one just like it in my collection of books from my childhood. It was an old favorite of mine. Now everyone at the conference is gone and I sit on a step with Ernie/Dwight and someone from our family - Ginny and Dwight? - bring a dozen roses and lay it a few feet near Ernie and we all applaud him like a standing ovation for his wonderful work. He smiles modestly. The applause is warm and loving." }, { "number": "2097", "head": "03/04/92", "content": "I am playing a guitar with Rolling Stones, sort of an audience member asked up, and I surprise them by being very good. Now they will let me be a member of the band. We go to the trailer that we travel in to sleep. There are three bedrooms but many band members, so I must share the bedroom with Mick Jagger. There are three beds and he sleeps in one and I the other. As I sleep, he gets up and stands next to my bed, looking at me. He likes me. It is gentle. Then he gets in bed with me. I wake up and am upset. I \"knew\" he'd try something. But he doesn't try anything. He just watches me." }, { "number": "2098", "head": "03/04/92", "content": "My \"sister\" and I are told to clean up the outside deck, which is quite large, like a dock area on a lake. It is next to a large body of water. So I have a broom and my area is around the lake edge, but I am haphazardly doing it, missing places and slowing down. My sister is working hard. I realize that I have left great clumps of dirt and lots of little dust, so I go back, realizing \"better late than never\" and try to clean it all up. We finally get it all done. I see a stairway down to a cabin where \"Barb, or Pricilla or Cinderella\" lives. She's a nice lady. We go to say hi. She gives me a haircut. We come back up to the dock area, hanging up the broom, and now the dock is covered almost knee deep in water. It's a bit difficult to see where to step, so we are careful and a little nervous. I didn't remember so much water before. Grandfather calls from the cabin and he doesn't approve of my haircut. I hand him a note from the lady saying he probably won't like it, but she hopes he forgives her and can see how nice it is. A small note from Maggie (disabled) is handwritten in blue ink. She says she's doing fine and is still going to school at M&A; (Math and Arts). I know that means she's taking one class in math. \"Big deal,\" I think." }, { "number": "2099", "head": "03/05/92", "content": "I am at an abbey for a conference and somehow I leave the lecture feeling picked on and sad. My time there is spoiled, so they owe me an extra day and night's lodging there to make up for it. I walk down several flights of stairs and see books lying under the stairs, books about babies and children. I want to pick them up, but keep going. Now there is a long hall with doors opened to rooms on both sides. I look to one on the right and see a little girl baby in a pink sleeper smiling at me. Her woman caregiver holds her up. I enter the room reserved for visitors of the abbey. Other women are there; so is a priest. I think he's attractive and am aware he's a priest. He gives me a book. He gives each of us the book he considers appropriate for us to walk around the room with. I see the title. It is \"To Be A Star\" [I typed start twice instead of star]. I feel a bit uppity and think, \"Of course he would give me this book. How appropriate.\" Then I look more closely and see it is a book about Jesus. I suddenly feel humbled and very sad. I feel like crying, like grieving. I walk the room holding this book and wondering if I can handle this huge responsibility. Now I sit at a table. The priest is there and several other women. I take off my suit jacket, and think, \"This won't do any good because he's a priest.\" I notice my frilly, ruffly blouse. I sit." }, { "number": "2100", "head": "03/09/92", "content": "I'm on a train-like thing and going to a writer's contest or something. I sit next to my \"teacher\" a short, pudgy guy in a brown sweater (sort of like Marshall Peters). He loves me and I feel warm about him, but won't admit it. We talk about my writing. I am flip and confident; I did well. He questions me. I see a man like Dennis of writing class. He's furiously writing. I put my head suddenly on the teacher's shoulder and say, \"I guess I'll take a nap.\" He likes that I nestle there, but he's agitated because he wants to confess his love and doesn't have confidence. He says something and I look up and we kiss, hesitantly. We smile. The deed is done. We understand that we love each other. Another young man says, \"Maybe you should be working on your writing.\" I shrug. The young man reads a sentence from Dennis' work and I realize I had misjudged him. He can write well; I thought he was just a kook. The teacher and I decide to get on this futuristic train-like thing that goes very fast to go get my script and read it closely to see if I need to rewrite. We sit in the leaned back seats and feel the immense pressure of takeoff and the pressure of the speed. Will we survive it? Yes." }, { "number": "2101", "head": "03/19/92", "content": "I am in a sort of house/hotel and sharing a bedroom with a girl child and Darryl. My parents' room is down the hall. Darryl is in bed with me. I want to hug him and I do so. There is hesitancy in both of us. Then he says, \"I want to make love to you.\" It's OK now. I am glad and start to kiss him. I wonder if I should insist upon a rubber in case of AIDS. He gets up to go to the bathroom before we start making love. He returns and I go next. I go to the bathroom, saying to myself, \"It's OK, I'm really awake and can pee.\" I then decide to brush my teeth a bit to get rid of bad breath. I choose not to put fresh toothpaste on the brush and do a complete job because I'd taste too much of toothpaste, so I brush with what was left on the brush. Then, I'm trying to wash a spot off my face, but the soap is making larger and more abundant spots. I think, \"That is odd.\" I then go back into the bedroom. He is seated on the edge of the bed and I kneel in front of him, hugging him and kissing him repeatedly on his face. He says I'm cold and distant. I am a bit angry and say it's him that has always been cold and distant. I worry about the little girl and hope she's asleep. I get up to go out and get my camera and now Darryl and I are in a car. Nobody's really driving. It's like a bus I guess. I look up and see a line of people holding on to each other and stretching across the empty air from one tall building across the street to another tall building and I'm amazed at the skill to do that. It must be the way they hold their arms with each other that makes it work. I see several lines do that. I am excited about the visual interest and grab my camera and try to take pictures. It's very pretty. We go back to the room and I somehow have realized that Darryl has spent the last twenty years being a prostitute and he never told me and never even considered using a rubber to protect me from AIDS. And if we had made love, I'd have put myself in jeopardy. I am angry. He coolly denies it. Now there are lots of people in the room and I take my things and leave the room to them. I walk out down the hall and I'm in a large lobby room or something and a boy has been tied up and hung up by his feet on some blobby thing, and I realized the bad guys were going to harm him. I go to the rescue and fight off several people by poking them. They retreat fairly easily." }, { "number": "2102", "head": "03/20/92", "content": "I go to a man's house for a meeting of people with computers. It is very late at night when we get done. I say, \"It will be hard to pack all my equipment into my house when I get home and I don't want to leave it in the car all night. It will freeze.\" I see snow on my computer keys. The old man says, concerned, \"You don't have anyone to help you?\" I say, \"No.\" A young man who likes me helps pack it up for me. I get a pile of clothes and look through it and find some outfits for my little girl, who is tired and cranky. We start to walk home and the streets are wide with double lanes and it is daylight, even though it is very late at night. A few cars drive by. We turn a corner to the right and the little black girl whines and cries and lays down. I have to pull her along by her arm and apologize to her, saying, \"We have to make it home. Please cooperate.\" We find the apartment, walk down a stairs and go in. Supposedly this is sort of in the slums and dangerous, but the place looks fine. When I get in, I see the man has already brought my computer and set it up. I put the clothes on a table and take the girl to her bed, asking her if she wants a drink of water. She whines and then goes to sleep immediately. I feel tired too." }, { "number": "2103", "head": "03/21/92", "content": "I am a cowboy and must help save my buddy held captive in a barn. I sneak up on the barn and make noises so they will come out and chase me and two other men. They ride away in another direction, leading the bad men after them and I circle around and sneak up again on the barn. I see a wad of money stuck in the barn wall and more is handed to me by somebody riding on a horse. I yell and maybe throw some money at the ones in the barn and they come after me. I ride fast and they follow, shooting, and I lean frontward over the horse, trying not to get shot. I am worried because they are catching up and I'll die. I see a train and I yell, \"Is this the St. Louis car?\" Someone says no and finally after several tries, I grab the last car and crawl up into it. Someone says, \"That's the St. Louis car,\" and I say, \"Yes, that's what I've been waiting for,\" or \"Good, this is what I want.\" I met someone and they were from St. Louis and I loved them and now I'm going to go find them." }, { "number": "2104", "head": "03/24/92", "content": "I look at pictures and I'm reminded that my experience with Darryl was physical." }, { "number": "2105", "head": "03/24/92", "content": "I am living at home with my parents in M City. I have three cars and someone delivers some oil. It squirts out of the hose and leaks all over as it fills a tank outside the house. I feel better having it full now. I get in my red car with a floor stick shift and start to drive. I turn the corner to the left and squeal out, liking the good way the car is running. I feel pleased that I have three running cars now and Howard doesn't have as much. I feel a bit sorry for him, and as I drive I realize he wants to talk to me and wonder what it's about. I am feeling a bit superior about being better off than Howard. Then I remember I still live with my parents and feel embarrassed because I should at this age be out on my own. Even though I need someone to live in and help me, I could do that with a roommate. That would be more adult than relying on my parents. [BL]" }, { "number": "2106", "head": "03/25/92", "content": "I look up and the baby girl has gone off to talk to some people. I feel tired, but it is my duty to teach her the more disciplined way of not barging in other people's conversations. I go get her and bring her back. She is not happy about that. Soon I see that she has gone again and I get up and retrieve her again. I feel tired, but know this is the only way to assist her to get along better with others. Later, we are in our apartment. I am in a dining area and a big living room adjoins it. There is also a bedroom space where my bed is and another open space where her bed is. I walk into the bedroom area and see it's really a barn. There is a layer of hay on the floor and the whole end wall is missing and open to the outdoors. I am surprised and repeat to myself, \"I live in a barn.\" I go back to the dining area and then feel danger. I know the elevator is going to crash through the ceiling. At first I think it is the girl that lives above us dancing too much or something. I look up and see a square and then it opens up and an open elevator crashes through with two people on it, one a boy and the other a huge fat woman. It smashes the couch and I am relieved to know I or the little girl wasn't sitting there or we'd have been smashed. [BL]" }, { "number": "2107", "head": "03/25/92", "content": "I am napping and try to wake up because I remember I've been sleeping all day and haven't changed the diaper of the baby. She's been laying in a crib all day waiting for me to wake up. Then I become aware that I am sleeping in a crib and Abner comes in and sees me asleep and puts a blanket over me. I try to tell him not to, that I am trying to wake up and get up now, but I can't wake up because I'm in such a heavy sleep." }, { "number": "2108", "head": "03/25/92", "content": "I am running for my life from the bad guys. We make it to a no man's land. One woman and two of the little girls make it across, and myself and a young boy don't make it. Two families have been split up. We are black. I feel sadness that I am split from my little girl, but relieved that I still have my boy. Now the bad guy is a nurse and I am a patient, in a hospital bed. She is mixing a nasty, poisonous, brown concoction that looks like liquid shit. She is going to kill me. My boy, dressed like an orderly with a mask over his mouth, comes in as the nurse goes into the bathroom to wash off the poison from her hands. He makes himself known to me and tells me where the poison is and not to drink it. So I am to refuse the big pills and he will spill the brown liquid. I insist on taking my usual pills, the cortisone and hormones, and they get stuck in my throat because I take them all at once. The boy tells a woman to get the tomato juice ready and warns me not to try this. I am stubborn. Even though he tells me I might have to drink the poison to get the pills down, I swallow and swallow and they get stuck and I drink the juice and get them down. The other woman is Gracie Allen and she says \"Well, George, I guess I'll have to buy her a drink after we get out of here.\" I smile. The boy spills the brown stuff after I pretend to drink some. We have foiled the bad guys." }, { "number": "2109", "head": "03/25/92", "content": "I am in the front row of a huge audience in a big gym for a rock concert. I am in a manual wheelchair. There are some other disabled people in the audience but mostly they are ab's. There is a large empty floor space between the first row of audience and the stage. On the stage is a group of men playing rock music. One is particularly attractive. He says he will kiss one of the disabled people. I go up quickly to the edge of the stage and he comes down on the floor and picks me up in a lavish body dancing dip posture and exaggerates a kiss. I play along dramatically. As we finally kiss, I realize he is wearing a wooden mask with a small hole for the mouth and he \"tongues\" me through the hole. He whispers his apology and says that later we will really kiss. I feel frustrated, but try my best to kiss real good. Our tongues touch. I go back to my seat. Now the group resets up their stage setting on the floor right in front of me. They have a play they will do and create fold-out sets and costumes in a wardrobe, within a foot of where I sit. I am excited I will get to see things so close. He asks how many disabled there are in the audience. They yell or raise their hands. There are a few. I change to my power wheelchair to dance with him. [BL]" }, { "number": "2110", "head": "03/26/92", "content": "My floors are bare of carpets. They are wooden and cold to walk on barefooted. There is a delivery of logs and I move far away so I don't get crushed by them. When I come back to see what I got, I am ashamed to see they are only a pile of stacked shingles for a roof. Someone says there is no shame in this, but I feel embarrassed." }, { "number": "2111", "head": "03/26/92", "content": "I own a hotel and there is a conference being held there today. I get dressed in a pretty dress and walk out to greet the people, timing it carefully to come out just when the good-looking man comes in. I miss it a bit and try again. The women come in and I give them the keys to their complementary resting rooms and try to connect with the man. He is allusive. I suggest I show him his room; he can use mine. I take him to the elevator. He turns and walks away. I turn and push number 4 and the elevator opens. It is tiny and crowded with a wheelbarrow with a small girl in it and a metal container that smells very metallic. I get in, resigned, and go up to my room. [BL]" }, { "number": "2112", "head": "03/27/92", "content": "Jock and his wife Melinda and children are at their home and I am visiting them on Christmas. Jock sits very close to me and I can tell he loves me. I feel embarrassed because his family is there and they are being so nice, and I like his wife as a friend and their baby girl is very sweet. The children (two teen boys) bring me gifts. They had taken a few of their own things and wrapped them up for me. I am very touched. I don't open them because I'm not sure they really meant to give them to me. I sit on a couch. The wife (dark hair) is concerned about her baby girl and I talk with her. I want to help with the girl. Then Jock is sitting next to me and he leans over and kisses me. I try to pull back, but he just keeps leaning into me and forcing the kiss. The kiss isn't even very pleasant. I resist and finally pull away enough to speak. He says, \"You don't care like I do.\" I say, \"Well, after all, your family is here.\" The kiss felt heavy and ponderous. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. His two sons then come up to us and hand me the gifts. I thank them and open one. It is a beautiful, expensive hard cover book on Native Americans, with beautiful color pictures and an object of Native American origin in the book. Jock is annoyed with his son because that cost Jock lots of money to buy for his son and now the son gives it away on a whim. \"Why bother to do something nice?\" he mutters, meaning his gesture to his son. I feel overwhelmed and caught in the middle." }, { "number": "2113", "head": "03/27/92", "content": "I am visiting in England and walking a boardwalk, looking for a place where English people are. I like to hear their accents. I get off the boardwalk because it feels rickety and walk on the dirt street. I walk up a couple of steps to the entrance to a series of cafes and shops. A woman is there and I speak and she's delighted because I'm an American. We talk and she invites me into a cafe to talk. I say, \"I want to find the ocean.\" I look through a curtained window and think I see some waves, but it turns out to be a sort of waterfall cascading harmlessly on some rocks. I look further and far out past the marsh are some waves, the ocean. I go out and try to get closer and walk over to sit on a rock to see the ocean. Meanwhile a man sees me and falls in love with me, but he realizes I'm in danger and rushes out, yelling, \"Get off the rock at once. Run here.\" I hear his scared tone and don't know why he's scared, but I obey, and as I run, huge waves of the ocean rush toward me and the rock and I narrowly escape being sucked out to sea by the tremendous backwash or riptide. I climb up the rocky bank and join the man. He and I stand very close together, me trying to get him to kiss me and him resisting in a shy, pure way. We walk to my room. I change clothes as he waits outside and he knocks on the door. I step out, all pretty in pink dress and heels (1950) and stand as close to him as I can. The pressure's on. He has a hard time resisting my charms, but his gentlemanliness wins out over desire. We go to tea." }, { "number": "2114", "head": "03/28/92", "content": "I am on an airplane sitting near the back. Mary, ex-roommate, sits near me. We are observing a man up front that says it's OK to throw people off the plane if they annoy you. He opens the door and tosses someone out. Mary and I look at each other, a bit concerned. Now the plane is gone and we are traveling low to the river. I am seated on a four legged high bar stool kind of thing and wearing a pretty dress. Howard and another man are seated behind us and everywhere we look fish are jumping or swimming and Howard really wants to fish. It's driving him crazy to be so close to it and not be able to do it. A fish jumps into my skirt and I laugh and say I'll net them. We travel on. Now the river is a road and we stop (we are not in a car, but travel like we are). I see the railroad signal and say, \"Stop, a train is coming.\" We stop and then I say, \"Go on a few more feet,\" and we do, so we are between two sets of tracks. I then get concerned because what if I miscalculated and the train uses that space and we get squashed? But we are OK. Two sets of railroad cars come out of tunnels in front and behind us. One set of cars does not couple right as the train drives up to it and I watch, worried. It tries three or four times, and then finally the metal tongue of one car clicks into the slot of the other car. I am relieved. Now my girls are with me and we decide to shower. We all have our clothes on and I say, \"I hope they dry fast.\" The stream of water from the shower head is thin and small. Dovre gets in front of me and a man, naked, is behind me, Howard or perhaps Tony (of dream group). He has a soft penis and wants to cuddle, spoon fashion. So the girls shower and he cuddles and then they all leave. And now I'm watching two young teen girls, one crying that she's very frustrated because she had been turned on and now there's nothing. What is she to do? There is a bulge near her pubic area like a scrotum sac. They stand near a river." }, { "number": "2115", "head": "03/29/92", "content": "A woman is dressed in a white dance leotard and is dancing on a black and white set. I am intrigued with the shadows on her face and body as she danced through dark and light. I try to explain to her that I know this is her dance, but I see it from a different perspective because she can't see the shadows she is dancing with. I think it is beautiful. She doesn't understand me and is annoyed that I try to impose my vision on her dance. I move on and see other performers. Reynold and I critique them and write our remarks on scraps of paper. I realize that they are good remarks and should be kept for inclusion in a book. I start to sign his with the name Kevin Tom (sort of a title like a high monk would have) and my name was to be Beneficent B, but that was too long to keep writing so I decided on Benign B. I start gathering up the papers to compile. Reynold comes in and asks me if I know of any good places to stay at in B Town. He's going to a conference. I think and come up with two or three. The first is a place near the University that used to be a fraternity or sorority and now is made into a bed and breakfast. You have to share a room with someone or you can get a single room for a bit more money. Reynold doesn't like the idea of a roommate. I tell him the rooms are lovely, carpeted and nice furniture, even though the beds are bunk beds and it is a dormitory style setup. Then I mention a hotel near town that is like the E City Hilton. I can't remember the names of either one and tell him I'll go look them up and tell him later." }, { "number": "2116", "head": "03/30/92", "content": "I am at Total Mobility to get my wheelchair fixed. They quote me $250. I agree and get out of the chair. I follow Merle into an elevator and he says I should stick with him or I will get lost. There are stairways and places I could take a wrong turn. He's walking, sort of, now too. We get to the top floor and see Bonnie, who is taking classes at the University where we are. She goes on her way. I now follow Merle to a stairwell, looking for the elevator, but can't find it. I end up in a room where a couple of workers are. They show me my wheelchair and I say, \"Wait, where are my extenders?\" (for the foot pedals, only I am looking for tip rods or extended brake levers). They have misplaced them and now sort of look around in confusion, not trying very hard. I get annoyed, and start walking around, looking for them. I see my old chair and start to take my things out of a fanny pack on the side arm. Then I want to take the fanny pack off too. I have trouble, so this guy comes up to help. I am now standing next to a good-looking man in his forties. He has beautiful blue eyes, wrinkles on his face and wears workman jeans. He stands close to me, smiling, and he tries to stand taller. He's a few inches taller than I am, which pleases me. I like a man that height. As we chit chat, he holds my hand and I smile like a teenager in love. We talk about wheelchair games and other wheelchair people and how good they are at athletics. Even when he needs to do some detail work, he holds my hand. I don't want to break the connection. The other co-workers are looking at us askance. They are surprised and grinning. Merle shows up again to lead me back. I reluctantly let go of Nathan's hand. We part and I follow Merle, aware of Nathan watching as I walk well, seeming not to need a wheelchair. There is no elevator, so Merle says, \"Go this way, but be careful of swinging things that could hit your head.\" \"What?\" I exclaim, \"...then I won't go that way.\" I try to see my way out but decide I'd try the other way instead. I look in and see he means a series of metal things in triangular shapes on a conveyor belt. There is steam there as well, and it is close to where I enter the door. I hesitate, watching, and then ducking in, holding my hand up to protect my face. After I'm in, I see there is no more danger and I walk to a stack of boxes I slide down like they are giant stairs. I'm pretty adept and agile and hope Nathan is watching. Merle is jealous. I ask Merle about Nathan, saying, \"He seems like a nice guy.\" Merle mumbles something and I ask him to repeat it three or four times. I finally figure out he said, \"Nathan has just joined the gay community.\" \"Just my luck,\" I mutter, feeling ripped off. I find my chair among many others and ask for the bill. They say $450. \"What?\" I ask frustrated. They shrug and wait. I say, \"You quoted me $250.\" They shuffle and look embarrassed. I am angry. They did it to me again; they snookered me in. I wait, feeling like a turd for insisting they give the tires at the price they quoted me. After all, they did so much work, but I'm feeling it is unfair to me. I hold my ground and they mumble, \"OK, then give it to her for the quoted price.\"" }, { "number": "2117", "head": "04/02/92", "content": "I am a boy and I'm running. Someone is after me and will hurt me. I and my smaller brother hop up on the canvas roof of a passing truck and hang on tight. The man sees us there. Now I see us on the roof and the driver is deliberately unloosing the canvas top. It slips loose and I fall off the moving truck, sort of like in slow motion, as I prepare to take the fall. I know it will hurt and maybe kill me. I hit the sidewalk and crumble up. I am a woman now and I lie there calling, \"Someone call 911. I need a doctor.\" Several women rush up concerned and I ask them to call a doctor. They run around, unhelpful. Finally they come and take me to the hospital (the other boy was hanging on to the truck for dear life and may be hurt later). They put me on a table and the doctor comes in and the nurses, and they see me and say, \"Her heart is deformed and too small. This will be trouble.\" I tell them they will also have trouble with my throat. A nurse points to my genitals and says they will be taken care of. Oh, before I get into the hospital I am being rushed down the sidewalk on a stretcher thing and I see Ginny and her \"man\" and I say to him, \"I will never forgive you. I am very angry.\" He looks at her and she says, \"I wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole. I'll wait till she's awake.\" I wonder what she thought I meant. Now I wake up from the surgery. I am furious. and very injured. They've \"fixed my genitals\" by either cutting them out, or sewing them up; no fucking. I barely have a memory. It's a miracle I can even talk, and that with effort. Now there is a family dinner and I come to be seen by the relatives. My \"father,\" a sort of mobster type, is grinning at me and saying, \"Now what was it you were saying about incest? Didn't you say I was your first when you were a baby?\" He went on to tell other secrets like they were lies I had made up. I sit there, nearly paralyzed and angry. I see the doctor in the operating room with all that equipment and the nurse comes in and says, \"I had trouble with the Number 235. It was a small device that fit into a small hole.\" He nods." }, { "number": "2118", "head": "04/03/92", "content": "I am driving at night and pull over on a sidewalk and park. I get in the back seat and rest, eating something, maybe a sandwich. After a while, I get nervous or I throw something into the front seat and then realize I need to go get it. I crawl over into the driver's side and realize the car motor is running and I left it on. I wonder why I did that and if sitting there that long with monoxide fumes was bad. Since I'm now in the front seat, I slip on my shoes and decide to drive back home. There is a line of parked bicycles in front of me and I look in the rear view mirror to see if any are behind me because I don't want to run over any. I start to back up. I now realize I'm on a side road next to a freeway, I can see the car headlights passing by. So I am backing up and have trouble seeing out the back mirrors. It's a narrow gravel road near a river and I hope I don't go over the edge into the river. At one pint I am turning and see I've gotten right to the edge and my motor dies. I grab the wheel and yank it back the way I'd been and narrowly escape going over the embankment. So I continue to back up, trying hard to see the road. The car is hard to stop and I use the brakes and barely keep it from going too fast. Now I'm going down hill. I use the brakes and it isn't enough, so I put it in reverse. It finally stops and I see I'm at a place where I can turn around and drive front ways. I do so. Now I'm on the freeway, but I'm on a bicycle. It's 2 or 3 in the morning and no one is out there. I think, \"This is foolish to be out there all alone.\" Now a black car with no lights is pacing me. This feels ominous. I have trouble seeing where the road is and the edge of the road. The car falls back. No other lights are seen and I wonder if I'm still on the freeway, perhaps a side two-lane highway. Now a man gets out of the car and is walking up to me. I try to ignore him. He wants to talk. I'm worried he's going to rape me or hurt me. I keep going. He wears a dark coat. He says, \"I'm a writer.\" I say, \"So am I,\" hoping to discourage him from asking me to read his work. Then he pulls out two guns and says, \"I have two guns.\" I take them and feel their weight; they seem light like they are fake and I toss them into the bushes. Now he's mad at me. I show him I have a gun too. \"Where did you get that?\" he asks. He digs in the bushes for his guns, which are easy to find as I didn't throw them hard. I keep walking. I see the lights of a small town ahead and am relieved. I look for a sign that says Police Station. I see one and turn to go there. The man goes into a store/gas station. I stop at another gas station where three men are standing around. I ask one where the police station is and he points and says, \"Over there.\" I say, \"Where?\" He decides to take me. I wonder if the man is robbing the other station." }, { "number": "2119", "head": "04/03/92", "content": "I am at Ernie and Ginny's house for a visit. They are busy with Boy Scout stuff. Rigo is selling buttons and has a wooden cabinet full of little drawers with cute buttons in them. I reminisce that I used to have buttons, two big cabinets full. I start to look through them so I can choose some to give as gifts and buy them from Rigo. Then we are getting ready for some picnic event. Ginny hands me a baggie with two hamburger buns in it. Ernie keeps popping in and out and it is a joke or contest to figure out where he is before he sneaks up and scares me. He's hard to keep up with. I peek out a window and smile and wave, because I see him. I follow his progress as he hides and then pops out. I am keeping up. I go to a window and open it and lean out. Now Ernie has on a clown suit, chef outfit, a big red shirt, a huge ballooning apron, funny shoes. I laugh. Then I see another man, a neighbor, wearing the same outfit in blue and laugh and laugh at them. Ernie grins and goes to the ocean and sort of hops and dances around. I keep my eye on him and then I've lost him. I turn and \"Fox,\" a beautiful silver-colored dog/wolf rushes toward me and growls a wild challenge. He was supposed to stay in, but I wasn't about to stop him and he leaps out the window and runs. Ginny comes up and leans out the window and I look and see tables with lots of people sitting to eat the hamburgers the clown chefs were making. I get my baggie of buns and we go out to get a hamburger, only by the time we get there, it's all gone. It's clean-up time and they bring the folded Styrofoam tables back to the patio to store. Ginny (now Katrina) sees some spots and says, \"We'll need to clean this better.\" It has a sign on it, a paper cup with the words \"Recycle Me\" over some spots, meaning that it is too much to clean, leave it, but Katrina won't be stopped. She tells the guys to get the paint. Two men, one shy and homely, come in and I start to walk away. Katrina whispers, \"You can't go. You're his date (meaning the homely one).\" I sigh and go back, to help out. We get to talking and he says, \"Fox sure was a beautiful animal; too bad about him dying at the picnic.\" I say, \"They always attract magnificent animals to them.\" I guess Fox was a stray and wandered in and adopted them and then wandered out the same way. The other man asks me if I can fix things or check things better, looking at my hands. I say I can write and do reports better. He nods. We are supposed to go to his office and help him do some paperwork. (Earlier in dream, I give Ernie a joke gift filled with things I had bought from them earlier, some scouting things.) Later, I felt bad because I only gave him a cheap joke gift. I wanted to get him something really nice." }, { "number": "2120", "head": "04/04/92", "content": "I'm in a small town and it is late at night. A woman is crying and complaining (dark-haired woman) because she told her secrets to a friend and they got returned to her with a cup of tea, meaning she felt betrayed because her friend told others. After awhile, I said to her, \"Oh shut up. Quit complaining, because you've got friends who care about you. If they didn't care, they wouldn't have been concerned and talk about you.\" The woman got very upset with me and approached me menacingly with yogurt on her hands and took my hand. I said to her, \"If you intend to hurt me, I shall hit you.\" Then I smear yogurt all over her hair. We laugh then and the tension is relieved. There are a bunch of neighbors in a line on the porch watching. We get into a conversation about people trying to be helpful and I argue with them that it is bullshit that it is out of good intentions that people help me. One woman cries and walks away. Some agree. A couple offer to help me into my bed and lift me up bodily and carry me through the window to my basement room I shared with another woman who talks about her boyfriend. Then it is hard to breathe. Oh, I hear a motor and we guess it's a VW bug or bus and it's an old man's wheelchair. Then it's hard to breathe and we see yellow thin strips of confetti-like stuff all in the air and we are breathing it in. It is in the air conditioning so we all get up and go outside where it is a hot summer night. A friend says, \"Come stay at my house,\" and I go, to find a woman and her two teenage children on the porch. She is crying and telling her children she can't stand being married to their father any more and she's leaving. The girl says, \"Please stay.\" The mother says, \"I can't.\" She leaves. I am laying on a mattress pillow and a small boy comes to take it in the house. It's his bed. I ask him if I can sleep on it tonight and he agrees, only if I let him borrow my manual wheelchair. I agree and he starts to cart it off. His brother -- both are dressed in tee-shirts and no pants -- pokes at the young boy's penis and smirks. I look, curious about its size and shape. Then I tell the boy, \"Please don't take the chair away now, because I may need it in the night and he can play with it tomorrow.\" I wonder where I'll sit while he plays with it. The boy agrees and brings it back. The brother again smirks and pokes him in the penis, in a teasing, embarrassed way. They leave and I lay down wondering how far away this house is from Claude's. (The street is sort of like a summer vacation spot street.)" }, { "number": "2121", "content": "(04/04/92)\"We must protest.\" I am a postgraduate student on a college campus and just got the news that all students of minority, of color or disabled, will be arrested if it seems they are doing anything wrong. It was called measure 60-11. I and three other students start marching, saying, \"We must protest.\" We start walking around campus. Some white men start approaching us to stop us but we continue. More students join us and soon we are a large group walking around the campus protesting measure 60-11. I see a friend who is Chicano and he has mariachi music and I break into the yell and dance as we walk. I decide to go to the president's office and talk with him. I walk (aware that a wheelchair would look better for the cause, but am walking). I pass lots of athletic, jacketed men lounging around making nasty remarks about us. I get in a line. I see two men in wheelchairs in suits that have come to talk with the president. The one, I thought he was the president, puts his arm around the man in the chair like they are buddies and does a sobbing, sweet speech. I shake my head no. This is unacceptable. Then I realize it's two gimps. Now I'm next in line and I see the president is a woman, like the governor. A woman on crutches I recognize comes in and sits, others crowd ahead of me, but it is my turn next. She is seated and looks up at me and says, \"B?\" (I had signed in so she knew my name. \"You have three minutes.\" I say, \"I have something to say, and then I have a question,\" and I go to the question first. I ask her, \"Why are you discriminating against people of color and disability? Anyone can do wrong. Anyone can make a mistake, why does this measure only single out minorities?\" She suddenly stands up and backs to the wall, crying. She sobs, \"It's not fair. I don't know where the check is, I didn't do anything wrong.\" She runs from the room crying. I suddenly realize I'd managed to plug into her own problems with one succinct question. People nearby who saw are cheering because this looks good that she will rescind the measure. I walk out to the corridor and walk to find my friends, feeling very proud of myself for again having the special intuitive powers to make this happen. I know everyone will be proud of me when they learn that has happened. I joyfully hug that secret to myself, that I did it. It did occur to me that it was possibly coincidence, but I still feel proud and happy." }, { "number": "2122", "head": "04/04/92", "content": "I am a counselor or housemother type person in a group of college age people. It's time for a meeting and I go to find a place to sit. I choose one place, but decide it will be too much out of the way, I won't see all that is going on. I see Howard and go to him and give him a check, some money I owe him. He is happy to get it and wants to do some figuring. I now go back through the room to find a better place to sit. I hear a young man playing drum sticks and beating out a beat and doing some rhyming chant that makes fun of me as a sexy lady. He throws the drum sticks and a bunch land in my hair. I stalk over to him and pull out two drum sticks and beat a fancy beat on the chair he sits in. Everyone is impressed with how well I do that. Another male student is behind me and kisses the back of my neck and says, \"Oh Mama,\" in a sexy, teasing way. I whirl, angry, and grab him by the shirt. \"How dare you?\" I say. I yank him around and am dragging him off to my office to give him a talking to. I say to someone, \"You come with me, I don't want to be alone in the room with him,\" but the person says, \"I have to do something\" and leaves. I yell for a student, a girl, and I say, \"Get me Judith or any woman counselor, quick.\" The student starts edging away as I keep a hold on his shirt and I notice one leg is an amputated stump. I yank him back and say, \"Oh no you don't.\" Now another man, a counselor, comes toward me and tries to bump us with a cart/table. I say, \"What are you doing?\" He says, like a mad man, \"I am your father figure,\" and runs the cart up against me. I push back and manage to grab a bunch of his wiry blonde hair out of his head and I say \"Well, you are going bald\" (the hair reminds me of Blake). He keeps after me and I now am running away from him, dragging this poor student with me. I race through the room where the students are, they are getting ready for the meeting and someone says, \"It's 7:30, get ready for the meeting,\" and two of them are upset because they will miss Star Trek. I have a great idea and, in the middle of this chase, collar a kid and say, \"Make a suggestion in the meeting that everyone come up with $.50 and chip in and buy a VCR so they can tape stuff and watch it later.\" They like that idea. I see Howard; he left my check where he had been sitting. It had numbers written on it like he was figuring out some bills. He takes it and says, \"Oh no you don't,\" and finds a phone to call someone about details. I continue running and I see the mad man still after me and gaining fast. He's holding on to some toy and it is dragging him across the floor fast. It almost catches up and I see it's not the mad man but one of the kids that had been teasing me." }, { "number": "2123", "head": "04/04/92", "content": "I am a school teacher and I teach like a primary grade. The kids are being rude and noisy and I get angry and yell at them that they will come in from recess right now because I've got something to teach them right now. They resist and I drag them and herd them in and make them all sit down. I am quite righteous and firm. Then I say, \"We are going to learn about cooperation if it takes all day.\" I role play a quarrel. \"This is a quarrel,\" I say and play-act two people arguing angrily. I say, \"Yes, that is scary; anger is scary, but let's study it and learn. It's a natural emotion,\" and so on the lecture goes. Now my name is Ms. Woods and I am an old teacher of high school kids. They are marching in two converging columns. There had been some insults from one group to the other and I force my kids to march right into the other group and deal with things rather than ignore it. The principal respects what I did and says, \"You made us face it.\" A smart-mouthed teen runs by and I go after him and say, \"Just a minute, boy, I'm Ms. Woods. You will, if you intend to go to this school, walk with respect for other people,\" and so on. I catch another errant young man and do the same. I patrol the front door to catch others. Now I'm in the passenger side of a car and on a remote fix to a radio station. I am to announce the coming of an important mass like it's a rock concert. \"But,\" I say to my driver, \"it sounds like Los Angeles out here.\" So, he says, \"Announce it like an L.A. mass.\" He starts jiving in the microphone as we drive up a set of stairs to where the mass is being held. He says, \"Come on now, it's grooving; ever heard of Matthew Fox?? All the big guys are here, it's happening.\" We go in and then go up and out to the top of bleachers. The audience is waiting for the show. The first rock star comes down the steps following his prostrate and sad two wives and their children. I shake my head at their stupid act. Someone seated next to me says he's going to smoke pot and his friend says he hasn't any and will have to borrow money at a high rate to get some, but he doesn't have any choice. I laugh at that. \"No choice?\" I say, \"You could choose to not smoke!!\" A woman and I throw candy bits we bought for $3.00 to kids hiding under the bleachers. I write my name on the candy so they know who threw it. Someone got a phone call and says, \"OK,\" gets up and puts on an army uniform from British last century with a huge plume in the hat. He has to go ask the Queen of England who wants to talk to the post office lady for ID which will require her getting her picture on video tape. \"She's not going to like this,\" he sighs." }, { "number": "2124", "head": "04/06/92", "content": "A young man, Michael J. Fox, is flirting with me and almost as a dare, he runs over to kiss me on the lips. I saw it coming and decide to kiss him back for real and I do, and he opens his eyes, surprised and pleased. We like each other very much and want to be together always and want to make love and be close, but there's an age difference and I'm a teacher and he's a student, so we look for a place to be alone so we can hug and kiss and make love. The pleasurable tension of being close but pretending to be indifferent is great. We find a room, a \"library,\" and he says, \"Is this ok?\" I say, \"I don't know. What if someone comes in?\" Just then, Merle comes in and interrupts. He is jealous. Now we leave, and \"Fox\" signals to me to go around the house to the side and go in there. I walk around the block and up a hill and see G walking stiff-legged down a ladder. He wants to know where I am going and I don't want him to know. He follows me. I see people on the 2nd floor of the house. It's a woman and a man getting married, or engaged. Then the woman changes her mind and chooses to marry her pregnant lesbian girlfriend. I see the ceremony and after the vows, the mother of the bride, the two women and the man all dance together. I say, \"I really like that!\" Merle isn't impressed, and disagrees. Now, Fox and I are walking, looking for a place to be alone. Our need for each other is great. It's so wonderful just being with him. But there is another interruption. A mentally retarded young woman wants me to take her picture and hands me the camera. I try and focus through a tiny little square and only get part of her face, and I back up and she keeps putting her fingers in her mouth and stretching out her lips. (I am somehow reminded of Rena.) I try and snap a shot when she wasn't posing and actually was pretty. I take four snaps and then we go on. Now I am an \"extra\" in a movie scene. Fox is the star and to be near him, I am in the scene. So are hundreds of extras. Our job is to writhe around and pretend panic, fear and agony. I am amused to see two male experienced actors chatting about mundane things as they look the part of fear and panic. I try to remember to contort my face good. The number 7 is the star part. If you are #7, you are in the movie for sure. Now we are going to walk away and find a place to be alone. My mother, angry, comes striding purposefully toward us to disapprove and interfere. Two men come toward her to ward her off and protect us. She says, \"You shouldn't go with him. I would choose alcoholics or addictive persons or sugar daddies to go to my house.\" I say, \"If that's what you want, go ahead. I don't want to hang out with people like that.\" We go off together and she's fuming." }, { "number": "2125", "head": "04/06/92", "content": "I'm going to meet Fox for a bit of lovely flying venture. I go flying, but he's not there. I circle and spiral and fly and float. It's very beautiful and I miss Fox being there. I notice a fish and air bubbles and think I've landed in an ocean and am swimming. Then I'm alone in the air again. Then I hear an airplane and realize I could crash into them. One comes through a brown, thick cloud wall and I narrowly escape a collision. I then dive for earth and land. I see Fox and he's coming to me with a girl and I realize that girl is me, in a younger time. Her hair is brown, mine is blonde. Fox can see me, but she can't. The three of us shower together. I wash her back and Fox says, \"Easy. Don't hurt her.\" I guess I was a bit jealous. I lovingly wash his back." }, { "number": "2126", "head": "04/07/92", "content": "I am at a spiritual meeting of some kind with Lydia and her family, Valerie and her family, and others. A man is talking, he is the leader. I want to see a book on the Jones Town Massacre. I see many pictures in the book that are graphic and hard to look at, but it is important to look at them. I then realize that Lydia and Valerie are too easily susceptible and will believe in this man and that will be dangerous for them. I try to get us to move away from the crowd and away from the leader. There is a hypnotic quality to his delivery and it is hard to pull away. Now we have gone up a mountain and are at a spiritual retreat. Again, I feel the hypnotic pull and try to resist. They have a new recruit that has volunteered to be the gate. Her name is Joy and she just graduated from high school and is 18 years old. She is very naive and innocent. Someone says they would hate to use the joy gate, because \"Can you imagine what it would be like to rip open the gate from the mountain and it's a person named Joy?\" I see rocks falling as an image of this gate opens. I must leave, and I get in my van with Dwight and I drive, trying to escape the mountain. As I drive, I see that the road curves up ahead and I force the van off the paved road and drive across the field, where a barely noticeable dirt trail is. It was hard to leave the paved road. I turn and look back and see a steam vent gush on the mountain near the small collection of buildings that is the spiritual retreat community. I wonder if it is blowing up. I turn back and keep going noticing that the trail is gone and the grass is wet and muddy and we could get stuck. I push on anyway. Now, I am pedaling a bicycle, with Dwight riding on the back. We turn to the right and go past some construction. The road is muddy. We then go down a steep hill and are on the water's edge, through a lot of muddy puddles. I wonder if I'm even going the right way, or if I shall have to turn back and backtrack. Wasted time and energy. Then, I want Dwight to help pedal. I see a police car directing the detour traffic ahead and I go toward them to ask for directions. I hear a Frank Sinatra tune being sung, \"My Girl. Is she blind, is she thin, does she wear stars on her dress? No.\"" }, { "number": "2127", "head": "04/09/92", "content": "I hear a group singing a song and am drawn to it. I stand and listen. It is a love song and very tender and I feel so sad and vulnerable because I don't have anyone to love and want it very much. I wonder if my face is showing my emotion. Later, a woman sings a song about protecting your man, standing in front of him so he won't get hurt. I really agree with this and feel drawn again to the music. I join in and sing and find myself with a sort of barbershop quartet group doing fine harmonies." }, { "number": "2128", "head": "04/09/92", "content": "I am underwater in a pool and looking up. I see snakes swimming on the surface and feel fear. I prod one with a stick to get it away from me but it backfires and the snake now knows I'm there and sinks down toward me. It is huge like a boa constrictor. I hope it will go away and leave me alone. It does. Then I see dinosaurs, lots of them. Then two men are trying to crawl up to the place where I'm sitting and I take a bat and hit at them to make them go away. They persist, and I hit harder and harder. I scream for Jock to come and help me. \"Help me,\" I call as I beat these men up. Jock runs to me and looks at the fallen men. \"Oh my God,\" he says. \"You've killed them, or nearly so. These were real people not just 'holograms' or images.\" I feel very bad. He says, \"I'm so sorry. This is my fault for leaving you alone. I should have been here.\" I am depressed and without reason to live. I go away and want to kill myself. I think I'd take some alka seltzer and die. Jock realizes what I'm trying to do and is trying to stop me. Della comes in to organize my writing business while I'm \"indisposed.\" I get very angry at her. I yell, \"If you won't do it my way, then don't do it at all.\" She was trying to organize my stuff in her style. I realize there are some things I can learn from her, but I say, \"If I decide to live, then I will want my writing to be my way. After all, it is the only reason I have to live, except for you, of course,\" I say to a small girl like Charla, \"and that's almost not enough.\" Jock comes in to support me through all this so I will stay alive. There is a woman with multiple personalities. She is in her \"little girl\" personality, named Ulysses or something like that. She says she wants to live, being pregnant. She has beautiful, strange eyes. Odd that the love of life was finally found in the little girl part." }, { "number": "2129", "head": "04/09/92", "content": "I see people bringing bouquets of flowers. I sort of know they are for me but don't go look yet. I see my mother and then I wander over to see who my flowers are from. I see a box of papers, the mail and see a newspaper clipping about how beloved a stepsister-in-law I am. The flowers are gone, being hidden from me until later, a party perhaps. A man comes over and talks. He has strange beautiful hair, rainbow colors and a golden shine to it. He's a sort of distant brother-in-law or something. He seems a bit in awe of me and keeps talking about anything to keep my attention and he feels a bit embarrassed about how he is running off at the mouth. I see a baby, who grabs the whipped cream. I am given a bit of chocolate cheese cake that is an old family recipe and ask if there is sugar in it. There is, but I take one bite anyway; it is heavenly. Now the baby is making a mess with the whipped cream and I grab its little chubby arm and try to take the whipped cream away. It turns into a power struggle and I lean over and take a fold of its skin at the wrist and bite it until it is painful enough to make the baby drop the whipped cream. I won, but I don't feel good about the way I did it." }, { "number": "2130", "head": "04/10/92", "content": "The King of England is very proper and shy and he loves Spring Byington. He courts her in an old fashioned way. She is shy and turns her head away. He is very hurt and I see his face, looking sad. She turns back. He says, \"I see, then you don't care.\" She says, \"Oh, no, that's not it.\" She tells him she loved the sweet gesture of handing her a tea tray so elegantly. They smile at each other." }, { "number": "2131", "head": "04/10/92", "content": "I go upstairs to my bedroom and see the room in a shambles, the bed turned and in the opposite side of the room. I say, \"What happened here?\" Aunt Naomi says, \"Basketball,\" meaning the teen boys must have been playing basketball in my room. I say, \"How am I going to get this back the way it was?\" She says, \"We'll get Lionel to help us.\" I start to go downstairs but she says, \"No, let's do it the easy way, and put the phone on hold and dial 86, the extension.\" She does so and we wait. I see Lionel walk past the door across the hall and don't call out to him. We wait some more. Naomi calls again, number 85. She goes out. I start to move the bed myself. It was pretty easy. I almost get it in the right position but now I wait some more. [BL]" }, { "number": "2132", "head": "04/11/92", "content": "I am in Paris but it looks like (state) countryside, with pretty aspen trees and fall leaves colors. A famous woman actress is living in the country outside Paris and rumor has it she never leaves and is unhappy, but she says she loves it there. Another actress joins her and they walk, hand in hand, talking. Three more are there. Now I am one of them and in a car. The brakes won't work and I am forced to drive it into a hilly embankment and get out. I am holding a huge crystal rock that has music in it and is controlled by a piece of amethyst crystal rock on the back, like a volume and power switch. I put it down on a rocky area, next to a fireplace on a hill. I hide the crystal side and start to walk for help. People come by and hear the music and I pick the rock back up and hide the part that works. They are curious and want to know where the music is coming from. I say there is a radio on the fireplace. They are suspicious that there is a radio in the rock. I slide the amethyst rock into my hand and walk away, down a steep hill. I'm lost. I turn and try to go back up the hill and see a pair of ropes and try to pull myself up the hill, but between the ropes are a series of little pigs I must step over. One is a meany and tries to bite me and I have to back up, hoping it comes to the end of it's leash, but it doesn't. It keeps following me and gets my finger in it's mouth and bites hard. The skin is not broken, but I am worried. I get away from it and see Mateo playing with some kids. I go to him and say, \"I'm lost,\" and he says, \"Well, I have to go to town where they will pick me up soon.\" I say, \"Good, let's go,\" and he still wants to play and won't go. I try to tell him how important this is. A woman comes to pick him up, so I follow them, down a steep embankment and up a road. The woman says she hates to do this because she used to be a student with Mateo and he never does his work and plays around and she gets in trouble." }, { "number": "2133", "head": "04/12/92", "content": "Ellie is looking into a mirror and talking about herself. I am annoyed at her; what a self centered person! I walk away. My dream voice says in disgust, \"Are you really going to wait until 9:30 or 10:00 to write this down? You'll lose too much.\" (I do wait and lose most of it all.) There is a General, a woman who has some information. I need to exonerate myself from some trouble I got myself into. She brings me the disks, 3.5 size computer disks. I feel cagey, not totally open to her. She asks me to reimburse her for the costs of the disks. I am the wife of me and I say, \"Of course, we'll find the money somehow.\" Me/the husband says, \"Good wife,\" but me/he feels somehow betrayed by the General's self-interest there, even though it was appropriate." }, { "number": "2134", "head": "04/13/92", "content": "There's this man who is teaching a night course in movie critiquing. He's in love with a woman who is an alien and she's in love with another man. She hires out as a butler in the creepy mansion of the bad man to check out and get evidence. I/the man who loves her, comes and disguises myself and comes in the house. I see the alien man, the mobster bad man, and follow as the butler girlfriend follows him and takes pictures. Now it is time to escape, they are on to us, so we find a corner of the lawn where a dirt slide is built into the embankment. We slide down one by one and get into something, maybe a back of a van or a room, I'm not sure. I am getting ready for bed. My parents are there, and my father is helping me get cozy. He puts a warm stocking hat nightcap on my head, mittens on my hands and little \"booties\" like stocking caps for my breasts. A warm robe is on after that and the blankets are tucked in and I'm saying, \"Ok, it was a strange movie, there was this guy who was in love with an alien woman and she was in love with another man and then they were in the bad man's house and she was a butler, only they got suspicious because she looked alien to them.\" My mother interrupts, \"Well, of course they would notice, how silly,\" and I go on telling the story of the movie and say the man in love with the woman is a movie critic who teaches a night class once a week." }, { "number": "2135", "head": "04/13/92", "content": "I am in C City, at a University. I see Rhonda and we talk. She walks me to my black car and I get in the back seat. There is lots of junk in there. I get out to walk her back to her house so we can chat. She suggests I lock the door (or asks if I should) and I say no or yes and say, \"This is where I parked the van and it was stolen.\" I say, \"You look tired, so I'll just stay 15 or 20 minutes.\" I ask her how she likes her job at University and she says she likes it. I ask her what she teaches now. She says she is teaching English Comp and several other classes and one weekend sex therapy class. We are now in her house and there are lots of windows, without curtains, very wood and glass modern. The ceiling has lots of windows too. I see two black funnel clouds in the sky and I say to her excitedly, \"Tornadoes. I see tornadoes.\" She isn't interested and I keep pointing. They whirl around and around and then disappear back into the chimneys they came out of and then pop back out and roll around. They have sharp points on the heads; they kind of look like penises. They then speed over us and I look again and see they are a flock of large black birds, with unusual beaks and faces like owls or odd big birds. They land inside the house and hop up on a ledge or piano (black). Now they are small humans or living dolls. I help one up as he is tipping over and comment on how I like the softness of his fur. He is an Eskimo doll. He thanks me. I look over to Rhonda, now seated across the room, and see how tired and sad her face is. I say, \"Are you well?\" She shows me a chart and on the chart are the words \"smells, vagina,\" and other words. It's time for me to go and one of the dolls, a minister in black, says, \"Where's E City?\" He is an old time man who will found a church at Fall Creek. I laugh, because I know that historic old church and I say I know the way and point, \"It's straight down the road, that way.\" I get up to go, as I am driving that way myself." }, { "number": "2136", "head": "04/15/92", "content": "Arvonne is my roommate, assistant and we are preparing for a presentation I will be making, a sort of seminar I am putting on. I look into a shallow fish tank and see a fat little black fish trying desperately to jump out of the tank. I laugh, because he looks so silly and intense. Then I see there is no more water in the tank and furthermore a Siamese cat from the neighborhood is in the tank playing with the fish, getting ready to eat him, when the fun is over. I see the fish's cute face and see the sadness it feels and I feel empathy for it. I get a hose and spray water at the cat to make it get out of the tank, and then, of course, fill up the tank with water, saving the fish. Meanwhile, in my preparations, I feel some anxiety about being properly prepared. I am washing my feet and scrubbing the crud off the sides and toes when co-worker Juliet comes early; I wasn't expecting her. I am pleased and surprised when I see her hairdo, a 1950's bouffant style." }, { "number": "2137", "head": "04/15/92", "content": "I am a business woman, a professional, and very busy. I am in a house and look out a window and see down below, outside, an old Greek style ruins with the wildness of an unkept garden through it. I wish to go see it; it looks interesting, but I am preparing for something. There are three strong, muscular men, my exhusband, a sort of Arnold Swartzenegger type, and a young Burt Reynolds type and a third man. They all love me and follow me around, getting in my way. Now I am me and I carry a cat that belongs to the busy woman the men love. I see a man who has been spreading rumors about the woman and I stand in front of him, looking down at him, and give him a strong lecture about how insensitive and cruel he was to speak about something he didn't know, only guessed at, and spread the word. Now it is causing harm to the woman. He is embarrassed and very sorry." }, { "number": "2138", "head": "04/18/92", "content": "I am in the passenger side of the van. Dwight and maybe Ginny are with me. We go from gas station to gas station, looking for something to put air in the tires and a bathroom, but we don't find either. I look ahead and see a tiny board across a ditch and Ginny intends too drive over it to go on. I say, \"Can't you see? This won't work. Absolutely, this van will not fit on that. It's too small. This absolutely won't work.\" Ginny seems intent on doing it anyway, so I get out and measure the width of the tires by my hands and say, \"Look at this, and the back tires, it will not fit, absolutely.\" Ginny doesn't say a word, but simply pushes the car with Dwight's help over the board which barely fits. They get across. I feel a bit embarrassed but say, \"Well, if you push it slowly, then it works, but not if you had driven it!\" Now I'm in the back seat with lots of other people and I'm seated on a man's lap. I say, \"...and you should have seen the Pope in that silly dress sitting on the lap of the secret service.\" I realize that there might be Catholics in the van and wonder if I've embarrassed myself by being bigoted. I see a man sitting alone in the passenger side up front and feel envy. I want to sit alone where it is not so crowded. Now we are in a church and someone, an older woman, is looking at the seating chart and directing where various groups (plays, or their actors, really) will sit. She seems pleased there are no big problems. Even the Pope is behaving himself and not embarrassing us." }, { "number": "2139", "head": "04/18/92", "content": "We are told to line up around the room and start on the bottom shelf of books. It's a book sale and we are all grabbing the books we want to buy. Someone on my left grabs a book in my section, I say, \"I already have it, it's OK,\" and move on. Now I see a display of glass pretties. Someone exchanges the little glass pitcher or creamer with another one that matches the bowl already there. It's like my mother's cranberry sauce bowl, glass rounded ribs. I say, \"Very nice, but probably more expensive and too big to be in scale.\" I go on. I remember to look for a video camera case to fit my video camera and ask a man. He is condescending and looks for an ordinary case. I am annoyed. Can't he see? I say, \"If you would just look at MY camera, you would see it is a more complex and advanced camera.\" I am annoyed he doesn't realize I'm quite good at this and not just average or a beginner. [BL]" }, { "number": "2140", "head": "04/19/92", "content": "I am off in some arctic wasteland and it is dark. There are men out there and I hide from them. I try to see where I am going and I march in the snow and ice and nearly go over the edge of an abyss. My partner on the trek stops me just in time, by accident really, not aware we are on the brink of sliding off the edge and down a huge fall to a meandering river. The staff I use to walk with nearly goes through the snow at the cliff's edge. I back up, still unaware and find a tent. We decide to stay in it, but first I use a flashlight to look out and over the river far down below. I use the arc of the light to show where I think the bad guys are. I see a snow bar across the river, a waterfall and so on. My partner gets worried and insists I turn the light off because it will lead the bad guys right to us. I am oblivious to danger and we go into the tent. Soon the men are around the outside and we must defend ourselves. The big man has a leather glove on his hand and a long whip, and he is outside the tent whipping around trying to find us in the dark in the tent. I finally, like a bantam rooster, grab the whip and pull on it until I've wrestled it out of his hand, glove and all. Now I am whipping at him fast and competently. He's rather amazed. I go outside and continue whipping. A small \"robin bird\" goes in and someone says, \"Stop him, he'll get hurt.\"" }, { "number": "2141", "head": "04/19/92", "content": "Someone, perhaps my brother Dwight, has written a book and wants me to read it and give remarks. I do so. It has lots of colorful illustrations and I wonder if I should tell him that I think there are too many illustrations. It seems odd to be \"complaining\" about something fun and good. I decide to tell him, and he can do with it what he wants. I find a typo; the word \"catch\" is spelled \"catche.\" I walk out to tell him. I realize I want my wheelchair and he asks if he should get it for me. I say, \"Yes.\" Just then my three girls and their friends come out of the grove playing on my chair and we call out to them, \"Hey, hey, I need the chair.\" They ignore us and go on and I try to yell, \"Ellie.\" They turn back and I say, \"Were you trying to pretend you didn't hear us?\" They said no, smiling and got out of the chair. I got in, noticing it was my old one, and wondering why I left my new one in the building. Dwight and I go down the dirt road and turn right into a sort of wayside area in the trees. I start to tell him about my thoughts on the book, but have to stop because a small toothbrush head is stuck in my throat and I must swallow. I try to open a bottle of mineral water and it fizzes all over and then I swallow and swallow, trying to get it down. Finally it dislodges and goes down. I feel queasy, thinking about all that plastic and bristles in my insides. Then, a very short policeman comes right up to me. I thought he was hugging me, so I hug him back and then I realize he thinks I'm deaf and is leaning in to shout in my ear (my deaf one). He says he will keep an eye on the girls and I say, \"That's a good idea.\"" }, { "number": "2142", "head": "04/20/92", "content": "I walk down to where the ugly freaks are kept, like in a zoo, and I sit on an edge of a drop off to watch them. One has a very deformed face, his eyes very wide apart with scars between the eyes. I feel scared and back away from the edge because it feels like I could fall in with him and then I'd be in trouble. He's sort of half man, half ape. I say, \"How ugly,\" and a woman asks, \"Which one?\" I say, \"The wide-eyed one.\" She is hurt because her boyfriend looks like that. I walk away. Now I observe a woman doctor. She is newly assigned to this staff and coming to meet them. The man who runs the place meets her coming up the sidewalk and falls for her before knowing she is newly on staff. He wouldn't have liked her if he'd known. They lie down on a couch/bed and cuddle. They love each other very much. They cuddle spoon fashion and then the man grows into a huge giant monster and the woman is sad and afraid. He goes out into the streets toward a special lake where others of his kind lurk. He is dangerous. She follows. She is in the lake and feels a giant spider coming up underneath her and is afraid. She lets the spider see the other people and the baby in the hopes that that will divert the spider from eating her. It does and the woman feels guilt for sacrificing the other people for her own survival. Now a huge giant snake surfaces, a boa constrictor. It comes at her face with a wide open mouth to bite. It narrowly misses her and starts to wrap around her and she knows that even though she is powerful, she will be strangled and crushed by this huge snake. She hopes the snake will go off and find others to eat. It does. Now an image of a diagram of the many subdirectories it will take to safely lock up the giant monsters deep enough in the maze of paths in a computer directory to keep it hidden and therefore safe for the people. Beyond Garrith (the wide-eyed monster) is the name of one path. Then a path that branches off called the Poetry Path and a subdirectory called Weaving Stories. This means that if I ever need to call them back, I can use this path to get to them by weaving bits of stories together in a certain sequence, I can get them back." }, { "number": "2143", "head": "04/25/92", "content": "I am in a dorm kind of place and a man comes in holding an outfit on a hanger and says Rochelle needs some money and is thinking of selling this outfit. I like it, vest and gold blouse, and think of buying it because, luckily, I still have some money. Then he says, \"Melinda is cleaning out the storage and you should see what lots of junk you have there. A whole trash baggie full of pop top tops.\" Melinda thinks that's amazing. I go out to see and find all my old clothes and shoes pinned up on the wall. Melinda says I put them here and I say, \"How embarrassing, where everyone can see.\" I see an old ratty bathrobe and lots of silly looking slippers and shoes. \"They all go,\" I say. \"Even the shoes, because they are all flat heeled. I can't wear them.\" I start to go through the books and papers. I decide to keep the dance books, I give up the weight lifting books, Susie S is interested in them and a bit surprised, as I, am that I had them. I give up papers I think belong to someone else that critiques a student. I keep some of my childhood books. I look at one that is Sparkey's about women and lesbians and Sparkey's erotica art. I finally pick one, a book, to take with me. Then a man rolls on top of myself and two other people near me. He is feeling us to decide which one he'll like and stay with. He chooses me because the other woman on my left is on her side and bony. The man on my right won't do and I'm laying on my back and kind of comfortable to him, except he took me by surprise and my arm is caught between our two bodies. I get up; it's a beautiful summer day and I am walking to school. I stop, and am confused. Is this the way? Then I recognize the old path through the field and go. I ask where is registration, because I just remembered I hadn't signed up for classes yet. Here I was thinking I was late to class and I didn't even have the class yet. I see a sign saying, \"Registration this way.\" I smile, \"Ask and you shall receive.\" I see a greeter, who is Charleen who grimaces, bored, and waves me into the registration area." }, { "number": "2144", "head": "05/01/92", "content": "A man and his brother are with Ellie and me. He is an Eskimo and we sit together on a bench at a table. He hugs me and kisses and I start to remember how good it feels to have someone be physical with me. He looks like Brent from playwright class. Ellie doesn't want anything to do with his brother and so he goes off to find someone else. Now I'm with him and a man comes to the car I'm in (I'm in the backseat) and tries to force me to make love to him. He kisses me and I go limp and then I bite him hard and he gets more vicious and I decide to just \"take it\" and get it over with. I hate it. He leaves and the cops come and I point to the house he's in and call them violent kids." }, { "number": "2145", "head": "05/02/92", "content": "I tell Jock about a dream I had about having incest relations with my father. He disapproves and doesn't want to hear. He is insensitive and moves away. I am hurt. I think, \"Maybe I don't want to know this information.\" I now need to lock up. I walk down a flight of stairs to a basement door and lock it. The door accidentally opens a bit and I see a lone man seated on a single bed off in the corner. I shut the door and lock it and go back up the stairs. I see two girls playing in a bank of dirt. They are forming stairs out of the dirt. I think that is interesting. Now the two girls had a bath and I am helping to dry them off with a towel. I am aware I should not touch the girls unnecessarily. I dry off the dark-skinned girl and turn to see Charla in a corner, turned away from me, and I see she is playing with her vagina which is upside down and has two red and two yellow strands of something. I am repulsed. I try to draw her attention to get her to stop. Now Ginny/Karen and I are dancing like the 1940's jitterbug." }, { "number": "2146", "head": "05/03/92", "content": "I see a neat computer program in a computer and suggest we network our computers so I can use it too. We do and I am delighted about what this program does. I write in a story and it creates a moving picture or cartoon response to my words. It's very fast and well done. I hear two male voices, both talking at once, and comment that this was actually two parts of my mind that were working simultaneously, one intuitive and the other analytical." }, { "number": "2147", "head": "05/05/92", "content": "I am in my house. Howard's bedroom is on the second floor and mine is in the attic room on the first floor. I see his face and think sadly, \"We never connect. It's been years.\" I try to feel OK about connecting, but just can't. Someone is cleaning up, vacuuming. I see a pile of marbles on the floor. I start to walk down the stairs, which are a spiral type, and nearly fall because I was not paying attention and stepping on the little tiny edges at the center. I realize and pull back and carefully walk down the outside edges. I go outside and see a little girl and pick her up. I feel so lonely. I lie down and my head is on the legs of a nice man; we are sort of on a beach area. He observes. The baby says, \"I bit my mustache.\" I laugh. She is so cute. I say, \"Where?\" I kiss her on her cheek lovingly." }, { "number": "2148", "head": "05/05/92", "content": "I woke up four times, unable to go completely to sleep. I have no images, just the feeling of fear as in terror and the sense I just can't bear the terror and force myself awake." }, { "number": "2149", "head": "05/11/92", "content": "I am doing my business and somehow things are not coming together well. I don't know what the next piece is and I kind of put things together as best I can, but I finally walk away from a big mess in the center of the room. It feels like a play I'm writing. Now I am a woman, like Cybil Shepard, and I am married to Robin Williams. Robert DeNiro likes me also, because Robin does. He follows, with intent to charm me. We are all now being followed by a mobster man and his henchmen who will kill or rape me. I decide to take a shower. I go into the shower stall and am worried because one of the henchmen is in the shower stall next to me, looking for me. He senses I'm there and tries to rip open the metal wall between us. Meanwhile Robert is washing his face in a sink and is trying to clean up so he will be more acceptable to me, and next to him is Robin who walks into another shower stall and sits naked on a toilet, his penis tucked down in the bowl like I've seen Howard do." }, { "number": "2150", "head": "05/11/92", "content": "I am trying to put on a glove; it has the fingers removed, which makes it easier, but it is still a struggle. It is pink and goes all the way up my arm to the shoulder. I see my white blouse underneath it. There is only one glove for the left hand. I feel great happiness at being able to finally get it over my bent fingers and the bandage I wear on my wrist. Another woman wears a black lacy glove." }, { "number": "2151", "head": "05/11/92", "content": "I put my head on Howard's shoulder and it is sweet and warm. I hold a teen-aged kitten in my lap and it is all happy and excited when Dwight enters the room. I say to him, \"Oh, of course, she's got a thing for you.\" Now I sit in a easy chair and a pudgy man I don't like sits in it with me, which makes it crowded. I feel sleepy and start to lean over to my left and lay my head on the arm of a man there. I shift position and the pudgy man tries to get me to lay my head on him, but I don't want to. My first thing I try to do is pretend I'm asleep, but then I wake up and say to him, \"Don't.\"" }, { "number": "2152", "head": "05/12/92", "content": "I'm on a swing thing. There are others and Drew is on one and he likes me and there is a sort of courtship. It is informal and slow. Then there is a short man who is nervous and follows us. The rains have fallen and now the plants are going crazy in a growing fervor. The wooden benches grow up two feet from the force of the plants growing under them. A wall board, or series of wall planks, has plants on them that before the rains were from top to bottom, but now only cover 1/2 the board surface, because it is the boards that are growing like crazy. There is a sense of excitement and happiness at all this wonderful, wild growing; relief. It's been so long since the last rain." }, { "number": "2153", "head": "05/12/92", "content": "I am a teacher or a teacher's aide. One boy tries to sneak out the door. He thinks it is locked. I ask him where he's going. He says he wants an ice cream. I smile and say \"OK, I'll get you one.\" I open the door. The doorknob wobbles, but it opens and I go down the hall to get the ice cream, even though it isn't the right time or place for that to happen. Now I am at the top of stairs, time to catch a plane. I need to go to the bathroom and leave my purse and papers out on the floor, wondering if anyone will take them. Perhaps I shouldn't leave them unattended (the purse reminds me of the one I lost in Junior high that had a silly picture of Mr. W). I come back out and they are still there. I see the janitor has swept the stairs and left half of each step covered with the dirt/leaves and debris. I try to step on the cleaned sides. Toward the bottom, lots of people and I are racing, accelerating our speed, but not on purpose. It is the function of going down the stairs, and I hope I don't miss a step and fall on my face. I rush for a plane." }, { "number": "2154", "head": "05/13/92", "content": "There is a destroyer or U-boat out on the ocean and I (or Dwight) have a flare gun. I must stop the boat from getting us, but that is too big a thing to do, so I choose to kill the Captain, assuming that if I stop the top of the chain of command, then I will have disabled its power. I fire a green flare into the right side of the Captain's chest. He falls, clutching his wound. It takes a while for him to die, but he finally does. Now I enter my parent's bedroom without knocking. I realize after I enter, it could have been embarrassing and I should have knocked. I see my new special outfit on the floor and I pick it up, saying to my mother, \"I knew it was on the floor and I meant to pick it up.\" She asks if I intend to wear my special outfit now. I say, \"Yes.\" The feeling is that it should be reserved for special occasions, but I just want to wear it because I like it. It is black with roses on it like my new bedroom curtains. I leave. I need to find a bathroom and try to convince myself that it's OK to pee as I'm really in a bathroom, and not dreaming it. Now Dwight and Corinne have a newborn baby boy and I want to see it. He's asleep and I smile at him, but I wonder if he can be comfortable as his head is off the edge of the dresser they have him on and it looks like he'd fall or get a stiff neck. Later, Lydia is pregnant. Doug makes a nasty, Doug-like selfish comment and I fix my eye on him and glare. He glares right back and I feel uneasy but continue to stare, realizing this is the first time I've had the guts to let my true feelings be authentically known." }, { "number": "2155", "head": "05/13/92", "content": "Charlton Heston and I are sitting somewhere and he reaches out and puts his finger up to a plastic tube and licks a few drops of the clear substance in it. Suddenly there is fear because he has drank of the poison and he will die of cattle anthrax. But then he knows that it is he that is saved because a few drops under the tongue of the poison will inoculate you from the disease. He tells me to take this syringe and stick a few drops under my tongue. I am afraid to, but I do it. Now we must get the serum to others. I see a doorway into an old hovel where a woman and her husband Jed and their many children live, isolated and alone in poverty. A woman is afraid and judgmental. \"Don't go there. It's dangerous, they have the disease.\" But I choose to go in and try to tell the woman why I'm here and get permission to inoculate the children. The husband has the disease and is dying. The children are afraid, but they let me. I ask for clean water to keep things sterile. They don't even have that. So I stick them and then the teen daughter puts on an odd bra over her eyes like she's got a silly mask on and wears provocative garters and undies. Charlton smiles in enjoyment of the young woman's beautiful figure. Then I do it too and Charlton is in love with me for being so brave and no so silly and sweet. We play coyly. Then the woman begins crying. She laments that the Lord has only given her trouble. He has taken Jed from her. He has taken this and that. She sings her pain. I suddenly sing counterpoint, \"And the Lord gave you life,\" meaning yes, there is trouble and there is beauty in life. Just being alive is beauty. He gave us that too. Charlton is so touched by my song, which I'd been afraid to sing, because I'd be ridiculed or thought crass. He hugs me to him and I sob, \"Oh Jed, Oh, Jed, I love you so.\" He sobs, \"And I love you too.\" We cling to each other, sobbing, and he leans us against a wall, sort of sexy and movie star like. A woman says, \"And the only one in charge is the wind.\"" }, { "number": "2156", "head": "05/14/92", "content": "There is a second story deck around the building and I see the wood is stamped with the name Dougal. I look for my new camera because I want to take some interesting pictures of a dirt pile, an aquarium being made, and a tree with interesting lighting, but I can't find my new camera. I find my old one and take pictures, but I am unsure of the exposure times and focus. I then find where my father has accidentally put my camera away in the living room closet. I use it now. I am now in a spacious bathroom where I lay down on a futon/chaise lounge thing to suntan. There is a choice of music, chips and crackers to eat. It is pleasant. I get naked and enjoy the relaxing moment." }, { "number": "2157", "head": "05/15/92", "content": "I am in a house and I have 6 roommates, males and females. I look around and see four monkeys outside the window up on a patio shelf. I am amazed by them. I remember there are three monkeys and the fourth one is a bit ragged and we just found him. It is fun that they are out for a while. I see one monkey go into the house and then back out through a doggie door and I think I really like that feature of the house. I hadn't noticed it before. I see a blue comforter quilt on the wall and I like that too. I wonder why I had been thinking of moving when this house is so nice and suits me so. One of my women roommates is angry at Page. She won't look at a device that is a plastic child toy thing with a music treble staff sign in it. It twirls and has cute music and she won't look. I encourage her to relax and look at it. Finally she does. I say, \"See, not so bad. Page is not so bad.\" Now I see a man, a roommate, and he wants his kit back that I've had in my purse for a long time. I feel some guilt and shame because it's broken in there and parts of it are lost in the bottom of the purse. The tube of antihistamine is lost. I look and look, finding lots of cortisone pills and complain the bottles always open up and dump pills in my purse. I do find the tube and am elated. \"See,\" I say, \"I did find it!\" Now Charla is seated near another male roommate and she starts crying, \"I hurt, ow, it hurts.\" \"What hurts?\" I ask. \"My eyes,\" she says. I say, \"Maybe it's time to get ready for bed. Come on, I'll get the bath going.\" We walk off and I am gentle and caring. I give her a nice bath and tuck her into bed." }, { "number": "2158", "head": "05/15/92", "content": "I'm in a line getting ready to get into the parade. I start to take my place and notice I'd be walking behind a garbage truck and change my mind. Then I let several people ahead of me. I see Archie, and he has a wagon contraption tied to him and he is dragging a man around as part of his costume. I wonder if that won't hurt the man to be drug around so much. He doesn't seem to mind. Archie leaves to go to the bathroom; the line starts to move. Several women shove ahead of me and I shove them back. We have a shoving power struggle and I win, but feel silly having done that, also feel surprised I did that and kind of pleased. I try and drag Archie's wagon to help keep him in line. He catches up and we go through a gate and he puts his arms around me from behind and says, \"I missed you at Asa's house.\" I hesitate and then lean into his tentative embrace. I say, \"No one asked me.\" He says, \"I hoped you'd be there,\" and then he kisses me and I respond and we roll and do contact improv things as we kiss and embrace. It feels wonderful." }, { "number": "2159", "head": "05/16/92", "content": "I find a place where I can travel sort of from one dimension to another through a sort of hole. I find two and then a third and notice they are in a straight line, like stops down a highway. The third one I am going to make into a more comfortable passage through by making a larger hole I can pass through and hiding it with a false door kind of thing, like a trap door. It is sister energy, linking sister minds. Now I am in a group and one of the members says he's channeling someone and speaks strangely. I watch his eyes closely since I think he's faking. I'm not sure, so I listen to him as well. He says he's going to start with Howard and he takes two small pliers and puts them on Howard's earlobes like they were earrings. They have rounded red handles. He uses a larger one, a matched set, on Howard's neck. I wonder if that hurts Howard and feel protective. The leader is seated to my right, Howard to my left and the channeler across from me. Then the channeler says, \"And I'll do her next,\" meaning me. I gulp and say, \"OK, but can I go to the bathroom first?\" Someone snickers on my left, someone between Howard and me in the circle. I laugh and then hurry out to find a bathroom. I am in Aunt Elaine's house and go where the bathroom used to be and see it's a bedroom. They have remodeled. Some girl in the bedroom says, \"It's that way.\" I turn right and walk into a laundry room. She says, \"The other way.\" I go back toward Elaine and Lionel's bedroom and ask if I can walk through. Someone says yes. I find the bathroom and sit on the toilet, noticing in my peripheral vision that there is only a white gauze curtain separating me from the other bedroom, where I see Uncle Lionel, naked spread-eagle on the bed. I am aware of his bulky chest and big legs and don't see a penis, but know it's there. He has smooth skin and no hair. He is big and clearly masculine, but since I don't see the penis, there is an odd, womanly view of the pubic area. I see through the crib walls between us that line the curtain. I am embarrassed, but pee copiously and have a small bowel movement, hoping I'll be quiet and not stinky. I get out of there and return to the group. I notice the channeler is now usurping the leader's chair and smile, like this is more proof he is faking and only wants to be like the leader." }, { "number": "2160", "head": "05/17/92", "content": "I have finally finished a schedule of pill taking and am relieved I no longer have to take these pills. It feels good. I get in the passenger side of the car to return home. Something about Grandma Mildred. We forgot something, maybe the key to the house, and she goes back to get it. I sit, waiting, and then realize I have the key and we can go in to wait for her return. I get out and try to find the key in my purse. I finally find it. A girl comes by with a note from Grandma. A man reads it and sighs, I might have known to not send her. She's buying things for the house, a refridge and a stove for the kitchen. [BL]" }, { "number": "2161", "head": "05/18/92", "content": "I am sent to pick up Kylou in my van. Then we pull up to a Burger King place and get food. When it is time to back out, I have trouble because lots of cars, bicycles and kids are close by and I try to get turned around without bumping or hurting anything. I comment, \"I nearly hit a couple of fast moving kids. They darted into my space and I nearly got them.\" So we drive and Kylou says, \"Oh look,\" and gets out. She has seen clowns, three or four, on a street corner. I get out and follow. They are white faced and in colorful clown costume. I wonder if they are drug dealers and watch, hoping Kylou doesn't get in trouble. She is in the group and having fun, laughing. I stand nearby. The police come and it appears I am in the group and they arrest me. I try to explain the circumstances. He has cold blue eyes, very good looking, with a police mask or helmet on so all I can see are his eyes and cheek bones. He arrests Kylou and I try to defend her, saying she wasn't a part of this. They get very belligerent and I realize that I am in the hands of cold, cruel men and I'd better shut up. He beats me on my face and then handcuffs me and puts me in the back of the car. I know to resist will get me more pain. I sit there, angry and scared. They are in the front seat and a sheet of glass is between us. I see two packages, one for each one, and see their names. The one in the passenger side is called Dukie. The driver is Reynold or something like that. Then I take a Kleenex and press it to my upper lip. I see blood from the beating and tuck the Kleenex into my waistband of my skirt for evidence. Then I press a leather bag thing they used to beat me with and see the blood forms Reynold's name and this is even better evidence. I hide it too, hoping they won't find it later when they search me. Now I am in my cell and a woman prisoner comes in to beat me up. I know I have to resist and I know it will be painful. She's claiming territory. She's pushy and threatening (arrogant). She puts a gauze muzzle on me that covers my whole face like a dog muzzle thing and she is going to beat me. Just then one of her guards or henchmen tries to get her attention to show her this magnificent puppet theatre I have in my cell. She won't be interrupted until almost too late. Just as she is ready to hit me, she turns and sees it and leaves me to admire it. Now somehow I am saved. I have status. This thing had been sent to me by friends on the outside. I also have a beautiful coffee server set, clear glass cups and pot, lots of other pretty things too. Now my cell is The Place To Be. I have power. It's like a minimum security place and sometimes I have to hide the things when the guards come by, but mostly, no problem. The guards come by and my things -- three statues or puppets -- are live men and they turn and hide in a crumbled group in a corner. The woman guard comes in and sees my groovy sports bra and sneers. She wouldn't wear one like that. I have one and I see how shapely it makes me. She is envious. Now I am following her down the hall, going for some meeting or interview." }, { "number": "2162", "head": "05/21/92", "content": "I am furious at everybody. I scream angry words at Howard. I threaten to throw out two little boys. I am angry at Dovre and her new boyfriend, a white-haired man named Sam who is 48 years old. Dovre is talking about marrying him and they've only just met and he's my age, old enough to be her father. (He reminds me of Dino.) I want them all out of my house, except Dovre. She can stay. But she is angry at me, hurt, and decides to stay with a dog-like animal who is very nurturing and nurses her babies for four years, much longer than most animals like her do. I see her nipples and feel some disgust. Dovre leaves and I sort of don't blame her." }, { "number": "2163", "head": "05/22/92", "content": "I am walking with Barry. He and I like each other, but he is involved with another woman. So we walk down some stairs and around, he wants to show me a place to sit where not many people are around. We are talking. We come around a corner and find a laundromat. A woman Barry knows is there and they exchange greetings, I am vaguely aware of embarrassment, caught, but maybe she won't notice. A lovely black and white dog recognizes me and is surprised and pleased to see me. She/he raises his paw to shake my hand. I say, \"Weren't you a horse, before?\" He says yes. I say, \"But now you've decided to stay on the farm.\" He says yes. I say, \"Isn't a bit of a comeuppance for you? (or a step down).\" He says, \"It depends on your point of view.\" I smile, realizing I had been prejudicial. \"Oh yeah,\" I say. We chat. I smile again at the dog, sort of absentmindedly, and he automatically jumps up and raises his paw to be shaken again. Then Barry sees a male friend of his in a beret hat. They greet. Barry asks him, \"How are you?\" He says, \"Fine.\" They talk. Then Barry asks about particulars and he says he lives with ____, a man. Barry says, \"Oh, roommates,\" like he's remembering his girlfriend guiltily. I now am walking with the man and listening to him talk. \"Are you still in elementary education?\" I ask. He says he is. I wonder if that's a good idea, him being gay and all. I hope nobody finds out or he'll be in trouble." }, { "number": "2164", "head": "05/23/92", "content": "Howard wants to make love and I want to make love, but not to him because I don't want to have to be obligated to do it with him all the time. I choose to walk away, feeling sad for us both. Then Merle comes by and kisses me. I want to pull away from him. Then I am trying to get my name typed on a business card and am at a store trying out a typewriter that does that. The salesman is sweet and good-looking, like Tom, sort of, only nicer and better. Merle is on my right. On my left, I have a box full of credit cards that I collected over the years. They are still in their envelopes. I notice that I have some of Merle's that had been sent to my address and I never forwarded them on. The typewriter crumbles a card and I have some trouble but finally make it work and admire the look of the type. I decide to keep the old, outdated cards so I can refer to their various layout designs. I am ready to leave and stand. The man leans on a wall and we flirt. Then he pulls me to him and we kiss. It is sweet and I love it. He asks me to dinner and I agree, thinking he means I will cook dinner. I go home and fix spaghetti. He comes to the door and says, \"Let's go out, my treat.\" I pull him in, laughing, \"Another time, this time I've cooked for you.\" He says he'll be on TV later; the feeling is he has something he needs to tell me but can't because he's afraid I'll leave. I say, \"The food is on the stove, where my mother left it.\" We sit at the big table. I have some trouble getting between the stove and the table, but manage. We eat, then sit on the couch. I lay down with my head in his lap so happy to be with him. The TV comes on and I wake up, but I finish the dream in my mind. He was in prison, perhaps taking a rap for a friend and has been released on good behavior. He desperately wants to be loved and I want to love him." }, { "number": "2165", "head": "05/23/92", "content": "The baby needs a bath and everybody out, this house hasn't been cleaned for years, the blue stairs. I receive the baby from Ellie and I see she has been neglected. Her ears have crud in them and her hair is dirty and her skin. I feel sorry for her and decide to bathe her. I go to an old, big sink and start the water. I see a bar of ivory soap. I talk soothingly to the baby saying, \"I know you don't like this but I need to get you clean.\" She doesn't resist and I clean her up good. \"Where are the Q-tips?\" I ask and she tries to struggle. \"I guess I shouldn't have said it out loud,\" I say. She relaxes. I clean her ears. I notice I haven't rinsed the soap off her hair and face well enough and rinse her under the faucet. Now I wrap her gently in a blanket, and we go out to the main part of the house. It's a mess. There are lots and lots of rooms with building blocks (child's toys all over the floor and lots of clutter). I get angry and call out, \"Everybody come here in a circle in the living room. We have to talk.\" I think there sure are more people living here than I thought. Three old homeless types lay on the couch and refuse to help or participate. I say, \"Look, either move into the circle or I call the police and you're out of here.\" They grudgingly start to move. I walk down some weird rickety blue stairs that overlap themselves and end before they reach the floor and then I see more to the floor. I step into the center of the forming circle." }, { "number": "2166", "head": "05/29/92", "content": "I am in a house, presumably my parents house. There is a flood which messes up things on the ground floor but doesn't get so high it reaches much more than the floor. It's a mess. Now there are looters running around and grabbing at anything they want. It's sort of like a store with products on shelves. I don't want to do that. It's wrong, but then I see everybody doing it and I see some pads of paper, so I change my mind and grab a bunch of pads of paper (writing lined paper). It's a mess there and it's sad to waste so much with destruction. I see a black fuzzy kitten flying around the room and I want to catch it. I try and try and finally get it. It has a feather and a note on paper tied to its collar. I try to read the note, handwritten in pencil. Now I hold the kitten, but it is flat like a piece of paper and I am disappointed, not nearly as much fun as a real kitten. I have my coat and I'm looking for a place to hang it. The usual living room closet for coats is not there anymore and I see across the room a series of hangers on the wall and I hang the coat up there. Now I decide to run away with my little girl (like Charla). We get into a red convertible car and I am driving and the little girl is crawling from the front to the back and up by the door and she's making me nervous because that could be dangerous. So I find a place to pull over, kind of muddy and gravel-like, but it will do, and I sit the girl in the driver's seat and say in a lecturing tone, \"Look, this is really dangerous and I don't want you to get hurt, so let's do up your seat belt.\" I convince her, but she's not too happy. I'm in the passenger side and am trying to drive and realize that this won't work, so I explain to her and we trade seats. I try to fasten my seat belt, but there are only too outies clasps and then I see there are only two innie clasps and then I see there are two seat belts and I find an innie and an outie and clasp them together." }, { "number": "2167", "head": "05/26/92", "content": "A detective man is attracted to me. There is an invisible bad guy, father, lurking around and we are trying to get evidence that he exists. Perhaps my brother Jake has taken some photos that show the shadow of the invisible people. He won't let us near where he has buried the evidence and I figure out where it is. The photo shows my \"mother\" having an affair with another man. My \"father\" is revengeful. I figure the information is buried in some boxes in the back end of the kitchen pantry room under the floor. I start to go there. The father pulls his laser gun and threatens to burn me if I persist. I know I must do it. I tell him, \"You can no longer choose for me what I can know or not know. I must do that myself.\" He burns me with the red laser ray and it is excruciatingly painful, but I persist and fire back to him with my laser ray. We fight it out and I win. Now I am negotiating with the family, and the detective man who I love and loves me waits outside playing with the dog or a young boy, a younger brother of mine, waiting. Now I am going on stage to audition, singing with some already proven groups. I sing and hand my tapes to the woman who says that it's nice, but they have lots of voices as good. I sing for another group and then get together with the young man. We will do a duo and do it well." }, { "number": "2168", "head": "06/02/92", "content": "My sister Lydia shows me her wound from surgery on her hip. She says, \"You may not want to see it. It's pretty messy.\" I hesitate and then Mirabelle and I look. It is hard to look at, lots of bloody gauze bandages and so on. Then I look up at the window and see lots of drips of water coming off the top window casement. Then I see it is blood, probably from Lydia's wound. It is dripping past the bleeding heart plant hanging in the window and I comment, \"How ironic, eh?\" My parents are gone this evening looking for a washer and a dryer for me. Spooky things happen. I feel a bit scared. Finally they return and they say they already took the machines to E City, that's what took them so long. We'd been doing laundry all night, which is part of why the lights went out and scared us." }, { "number": "2169", "head": "06/04/92", "content": "Howard is crying with true grief. I am surprised and tender. He says \"Twelve years and I'm a failure.\" His wife Karen is divorcing him. He is in emotional pain. He says if he can't fix it, he'll commit suicide. I sit, lay down next to him, concerned. \"How serious are you?\" I ask. He says he knows how he'll do it. I mention that I have been counseling a young man who feels the same. Then I feel bad because it is the man Karen had an affair with and this will make Howard feel worse if he knew. I feel genuine sorrow for Howard. I want to help." }, { "number": "2170", "head": "06/04/92", "content": "My job as a volunteer for this civic organization is to give the children a bag of candy. Then I tell them to hang it up in this one place, and then as they talk to me, someone from behind a curtain behind them takes the candy back. It's supposed to be funny. One boy is hanging on o the bag when the hand comes out to take it and they tussle over it. This happens over and over. The kids are disappointed and sad. Then the job is over and the curtain opens and the volunteers come out to take a bow, with the kids. I wonder if they got their candy after they went behind the curtain. They form two rows to take a bow and I know I'm supposed to join them, but I don't want to. I feel kind of bad about my part in this." }, { "number": "2171", "head": "06/04/92", "content": "I have a camera and it's not working right so I am trying to figure out what's wrong. Everything seems threaded right and then I see a huge wad of folded negatives like computer paper folded, only they are negatives already developed. Someone says, \"You waited too long. There must be 5000 of them and the max to be able to develop or print is 4000.\" I hope I can get them printed anyway. Someone says is this a cheap Kodak Instamatic and I am insulted. \"No, this is a cannon, sir.\"" }, { "number": "2172", "head": "06/04/92", "content": "I tell Richard R I am having hypnogogal images and I watch them as I try to figure out what they are and what they mean. I see words on a page, some very colorful yellow. I am impressed with how much I see and recognize. A woman is being operated on. A special throat surgeon comes in to work on her deformed vocal cord. Since theey're there anyway, maybe there is something that can be done. The nurse is like Marilyn of Northern Exposure. She helps him put on his gloves as he enters the sterile field. One drops to the floor, they hesitate and then put it on anyway." }, { "number": "2173", "head": "06/04/92", "content": "I am driving a VW bus and enjoying the experience. It's been a long time." }, { "number": "2174", "head": "06/07/92", "content": "We are captured by aliens and brought into a room where we are prepared for a journey. We are given complementary drinks and an outfit. Then we march down a path. Sometimes we are grouped together and sometimes we are spread out, so I walk between groups alone. Dovre sees a train stopped near us and playfully, with curiosity, crawls in the window of the train. I am very upset and scream at her, \"Get out now. How dare you endanger us all!\" The train starts moving, taking her away, but she manages to jump out in time. I am very upset with her. We continue walking. A man leaps up behind me and is violently trying to stick his penis up my ass, spoon fashion. I strike at him and then grab a pointed stick and slash at his penis area. He is forced away from me. I put the pointed stick in my belt trying to figure out which should be on top, the sword or the stick. Now I have graduated by this decision to keep the sword and stick with me. So I go back to the room and look for the cubicle with my name on it. It will have my new outfit. I find it among many others, all women, lots of crinolines and stuff. I put on my new outfit and it is sexy black lingerie, sort of playboy bunny style, or French cut. I wonder what my next job is and then I see it is to be the welcoming hostess for the new inductees -- a bar with flowered drinks, a chat and then they go out on their journey. I realize I can now sense the aliens upstairs and the woman next to me is talking about how I can do that and I am angry at her. \"Now they know, thanks to you,\" I say. So I think a barrier around me to block my feelings and thoughts from them. I am now spirited up through the ceiling to the second floor by their power. I keep myself guarded until I know if I'm safe or not. Now Kenneth is the doctor and doing a test and I am looking at the results of his test and I say, \"You can write pretty good.\" We go outside and I see a tall tree blowing in the breeze and for a moment I think I'm in danger because it will fall over on me, but not so. I think it will be nice to go with someone as they do their work. I'll just enjoy the comradeship of being with them. I choose a different path to walk than the one I was on." }, { "number": "2175", "head": "06/09/92", "content": "I am at a group thing and feeling unsure of myself. A young man tells me he thinks I am very self assured and I am very surprised. An old man, seated and with white hair, is leading the seminar and talks to each person as he goes around the inside of the circle. He looks up to me, even though I am seated in the wheelchair. I am looking through a pile of straightened newspapers, looking for the paper. I find one, but the rest are comics and other pages of other newspapers. The young man tells me in excellent detail how he sees me as self assured. I am impressed with his wonderful ability to describe me and it feels great to have someone able to give me this helpful feedback. He wants to be my boyfriend and help me. I am walking toward a set of stairs and he walks in front of me so I can lean on him. I do and then we hold hands. I look at him and am unhappy to see he is shorter and a year younger than me, like he's in junior high and I'm in high school, but he's nice and my friend so we walk together. Now I have to leave, it's the end of the summer and my father is going to pick me up and the boy is sad because his very rich father controls him and won't let us write to each other. I suggest we get private PO boxes and write. He agrees. I walk up a flight of stairs and wave goodbye, being surprised and a little sad, I do not try to kiss him goodbye or hug. It's so non-feeling and nonchalant. I stand at the road's edge waiting. I see a small plane in the air and realize the private airfield is nearby. I watch a small plane being buffeted about by the wind and wonder with surprise if that's what happens to me, although it doesn't feel like it when I'm in the plane. Now years have passed and the boy is now a crazy man locked in a cell for years. My husband and I visit. The crazy man is put into a vat of boiling like water stuff and then my husband talks to him, trying to reassure him to \"come out\" of his craziness. The crazy man holds some round plastic things we'd got from a circus years ago and I then announce I have the triangle pieces and they fit together and the man is being cured. My husband role models for him how to be a normal human and he is learning." }, { "number": "2176", "head": "06/10/92", "content": "Ginny is gone and Ernie is sad. I want to comfort him and he resists because he's afraid it will be using me. I reassure him it's OK because I'm his friend. I tell him how Ginny came to see me and I gave up all the activities I could to be with her and I'd do the same for him. A bad man comes through and demands to know where the bathroom is. I take him down a hall. I look in to the right and see a broken bathtub and it is dirty. I look across the hall and that bathroom is messy too. I apologize for Ginny. I say, \"She usually keeps it clean, but she's gone for a while.\"" }, { "number": "2177", "head": "06/11/92", "content": "Bonnie thinks I would look pretty if I wore some jewelry. She goes in and finds two rings for me to wear, a pearl cluster and the large nay ring (mother of pearl) of Darryl's. I start to put it on the left hand, and change it to the right hand. They look OK. Brian, a young blonde man, follows Bonnie around because he loves her. She doesn't take him seriously. He's far too young. She laughs at him gently. Then he shifts his attentions and loves me. He stands behind me and cuddles me and puts one hand near my crotch. I am shocked a bit and try to get him to move his hand. After awhile, I start to accept that he loves me and start to like it and respond." }, { "number": "2178", "head": "06/12/92", "content": "I see Dr. Fleischman and Magi from Northern Exposure gently arguing like they do. There is a school dance, like end of year dance, in the gym and Dr. F is laying out small round spots that alternate indent, outhunt, and he wants to make sure no one accidentally steps on them, because if they do, the energy or electricity is spent or injured. He nearly steps on a couple himself. There are two rows, one at each end of the gym." }, { "number": "2179", "head": "06/12/92", "content": "Jack Nicholson likes me and my foot hurts (my right one) and I have to get in the wheelchair to make it around. It's time to leave for the weekend and I ask this young woman to hand me this and that until my lap is full. I say, \"Put these bags of chips in my back pack.\" She says there are already some there, no room. I say, \"Oh well, I'll take them anyway.\" She stuffs them in and Jack and I start to go home. Now we are in a restaurant with teal blue walls like my bedroom. My mother with teal blue eyes (which is unsettling) and my father are there. We are going to have dinner with them." }, { "number": "2180", "head": "06/13/92", "content": "I am starting to remember things from my past. A childhood girl friend brings me a plate or paper where there are pictures and letters and scribbles. I show it to Marci. It feels good to be reunited with our special code of old. I've lost my \"copy\" of it. Ernie is around somewhere." }, { "number": "2181", "head": "06/13/92", "content": "It's time to downsize the Goodwill factory I'm in charge of. I see the crew of sewers threading their needles. They each choose a piece of used clothing to repair. They stand in a line before a big rectangular clothing bin, then they take them to the resale clothing store. I am going to the front door to open it. I have the key. As usual, several people are waiting to get in first. I open the door and hang up the key and notice I need the key to open the cash register. I have trouble getting the key string off the corner hook and then decide to wear it on my left wrist, even though it will be heavy and cumbersome. I get the bottom drawer open and I see fake 50 cent pennies stuck together. An older woman brings her purchases to me and I calculate it on the calculator because I can't get the cash register to work. It comes to $3.00 and some cents. She puts a pile of coins on the counter and I start counting. It's not enough because she's also put rectangular saint liberty (sweet liberty?) dollars there and they don't count as real money. One is a faded stained glass. A young woman is waiting, holding her crying baby! I say, \"Let me hold her.\" I put her carefully on my shoulder, on a burp rag and pat her! It feels wonderful to hold a sweet baby. She quiets down. She's a newborn." }, { "number": "2182", "head": "06/15/92", "content": "I see Flinn, a very severely disabled teen boy with MD. If I'm not careful, I'll be as bad off as he." }, { "number": "2183", "head": "06/16/92", "content": "I am cleaning up some papers, letters and books. I feel bad because I have ignored this nice man named Wendel W____. I decide to write him a letter of apology. I write in different colored inks (like my journals and dream books) I take it to him. He is very happy. We lie down together on a bed and I am on top. We make love, but I don't feel the sexual feelings in the dream. We decide not to do the ejaculation in me, so I won't get pregnant." }, { "number": "2184", "head": "06/16/92", "content": "I am walking and a Native American man with bright colors painted on his face calls me over and tells me I should take his class. I need it, he says. I choose to sit on the other side of a flat platform, away from the other students, I think because of my wheelchair, but I'm not sure why. He is an excellent teacher, coming up to me and challenging me to think differently. He calls himself a soul dancer, and he says I can learn from him, even if he is a brown man (meaning a black man). I feel a bit of shock that I feel some slight prejudice. After experiencing his one class, I agree to return. It is good for me. I go on home now." }, { "number": "2185", "head": "06/21/92", "content": "I am seated in a rocking chair in the middle of a hall. I get up and start walking back, perhaps toward the basement. Then I decide this takes a lot of energy and I would be better off if I turned around and continued my journey in a forward way, the way I was going originally. I see the rocking chair is in the middle of the hall and move it out of people's way to the right side of the hall, but it is next to and blocking the door of a woman's room. I peek in and see Peggy M standing there with a walking cane. She smiles at me. I imagine how noisy and awkward it would be to sit in the rocker and try to travel like it was my wheelchair. I decide to walk on." }, { "number": "2186", "head": "06/22/92", "content": "I see Jeramy T and he is leading a men's singing group. They are doing beautiful harmonies and chants like monks. They are in a round area and I want to sing with them. I have my two daughters, Ellie and perhaps Paulina. I take them by the hand and walk around the outer walls of this area looking for an opening to go in and watch and listen. I find one and sit on a large rock and listen to the beautiful sounds. Now I am somewhere else and holding a baby who is crying and very uncomfortable because she has wet her diapers and her clothes. I lay her down and Aunt Millie and Bonnie are near and we are talking. I shush us and say, \"Now they will think we are visiting,\" like that would be viewed as a bad thing. I try to change the baby's clothes. The diaper is a Pampers kind of thing that is transparent in places and built up in places where it is needed. I get it on, unsure of how to do it. I ask my daughter to get her blanket. I put her in a sleeper and I hold her, realizing she is now asleep. I can tell because her entire body is curled and relaxed like a cat. I know it must feel wonderful for her. I pace, holding her and look for a place to sit down, but every place is filled with people. I am a bit annoyed, but don't want to wake the baby. It feels good to hold her. Now my roommate has two tickets to two evenings of entertainment. I already got my two tickets for Tuesday and Thursday night. Hers is for two other nights. I think of going with her and getting tickets, only then I'd be going out four nights in a row and maybe we'd not get seats together. Some movie star man sits next to another man and I wonder if they are lovers." }, { "number": "2187", "head": "06/27/92", "content": "I see flood waters in the city street and see three houses floating and \"dancing\" in the water. I become aware that I am dreaming and feel interested. I think to myself that I can change something and wonder what to change. I say, \"Let it be beautiful.\" I feel myself rising in the air and flying. I see a cartoon-like house with square window eyes, the eyes like headlights of a car, with light coming out of them." }, { "number": "2188", "head": "06/28/92", "content": "I am holding a baby boy and he changes into a sort of cute, large lady bug-like creature. I hold him carefully. I like him. I am walking, now, holding Rena up as I am taking her in to take her bath. Another woman is in the tub already and I think of putting the baby into the bath with her, and then feel embarrassed I would think of doing that without even any consideration for her wishes. She gets out and starts to drain the water. I start to clean the tub for Rena. She gets in too quickly, some of the other woman's water is still in there. Her face is right at the surface of the water. I smile and ask if she is OK. She says yes." }, { "number": "2189", "head": "06/30/92", "content": "I am driving in the M City like country, looking for something to do; I'm bored. I stop and get out and walk up a dry, dusty road and look at some old broken down buildings that have historical significance. They are beautiful (or were) Victorian houses that will be refurbished by a wealthy family and I am looking at a history book and then at the houses. I recognize the trees, oddly shaped like my doodles on paper, dry, old and broken. I am impressed with the houses and how wonderful they will look when refurbished. I realize I had forgotten, or chosen not to ride, my wheelchair and I walk back to get it. I stand for a while spacing out and then walk back to see the houses. I realize I had forgotten again to get my chair and walk back and open the passenger door and slide in. Lance rushes up and gets in the driver's side (Lance is black and used to be the city manager assistant to the disability rights city group). I am startled and then laugh as I had tried to slide across to the driver's seat, only he was there. I say, \"Oh, I knew you had gotten in, but, out of habit, I was going to slide over to drive.\" He smiles and says he needs to take the car and go into town to find some information. I am a bit annoyed because he's not asking, just assuming it will be OK to appropriate my car, but I go along with it because it seems interesting. He drives and we talk companionably. He's married and talks about his children. We pull up to a redneck bar and walk in and lean up to the bar. A redneck man on our right says, \"Well, well, look here. A lesbian, and a black man.\" I say, \"Uh oh,\" and we start sidling out of the bar to avoid a fight. We quickly run to the car, and I lock the door on my side, check the lock in the back and unlock the driver's side for Lance. He hops in and almost hits a car parked nearby on the road. We go around it and drive fast. Soon we are in M City like country again and I see Native Americans putting up a tent or teepee. I say with regret, \"I missed the powwow this year.\" Lance leans over and starts to kiss my sleeve affectionately in sympathy, but remembers he's married. I think the gesture is sweet. Lance decides he's going to drive to a man's house and get information on documents he wants. We pull up to a gate, near where the country fair is usually held, supposedly. An Indian man waves us to stop to be inspected. He points demandingly at where we should stop, on the gate like cow threshold. We do. I look up the road and see a group of mobster types eyeing us suspiciously. I say to Lance, \"I'd better stay in my wheelchair (manual) so they won't get confused and suspicious.\" He agrees. We are given permission to enter to get the important information." }, { "number": "2190", "head": "06/30/92", "content": "I discover that huge quantities of water are pouring out of a protuberance like a belly button or vulva. I am concerned. I say, \"Look, it's open like a flower, not curled in like a normal belly button.\" Merle is there and I share this weirdness with him. Then I look out the back kitchen window and see a makeshift chicken house, complete with chickens. I see a garden and a huge dog. I say, \"Look, he's even bigger than Rover was!\" I see Mary and Nancy and say that I am not happy. They shouldn't have done this to my back yard. At the very least, they should have asked permission first. Nancy's feelings are hurt because I said the chicken house was a shack and badly built. I also wondered what the neighbors would say, what with noisy and smelly animals around. I am not happy. I look out again and see a steep embankment and the whole farm thing is way in the back, more removed than before. It's not so bad that way." }, { "number": "2191", "head": "06/30/92", "content": "I am a school teacher visiting an Alaskan school. They have a conference like \"Excellence in Teaching\" and show me the books and materials. It is about body language, and I see moving pictures of how men lie down at their desk and it is powerful, but when women do it, it is tacky. The woman teacher I am visiting asks my opinion and I say hesitantly, \"I taught over 20 years ago and this same thing came out then and now I find it sexist and outdated.\" She agrees. It's time for me to leave, but I had lent the books to other teachers so we go down the hall to see if I can get them back. I knew it would be this way. I see students and a few teachers in the hall. One teacher hands me some canceled tickets for H. Center performances. I thank her, thinking it is a good ticket I can use. Then I realize they are torn. Another teacher says, \"I can fix that up for you so they will be usable again.\" We go to her school room. She also shares with me a phone number of some person who will change zeros in bank accounts so you can get more money. I know this is very illegal and decide not to use it, but I take it with me anyway, \"just in case.\" Now I return to the original room I was in. Someone gives me an outfit to change into and pushes me into another room to change. I realize a young man will be coming by and I change to look pretty. I walk out and the teachers shove him into the room like matchmakers and leave. He wears a costume too. We are shy and standing close together. Then he kisses me and we \"accidentally\" fall onto the bed, kissing. The teachers let us sleep together the night and we make love. We are in love. The next morning I must go catch my plane and we start for the airport, sad but resigned; we hold hands. I see a view point up ahead where a magnificent waterfall is and I grab my camera to take some shots. We walk around the corner and I see the harbor. It is beautiful. I take a picture of the bridge structure like Y. Bay Bridge. It moves arts and is cute. Now we walk up slippery metal steps that are flat to get up to the well to see it spout. It is hard going and I say I can't make it. He encourages me and we do make it. As we wait for the spout, I realize I only have one more picture left on the roll and I want a picture of him to take with me, but I want one of the waterfall too, so we walk back down to put him in front of the waterfall. As I try to frame him in the shot, a beautiful dark- haired woman flirts with him and I try to keep her out of the picture. She laughs and says, \"What's the matter, afraid of the competition?\" I say, \"No, go ahead, go for it,\" knowing he would stay true to me. I get a shot of him. Now we go on and suddenly he pulls me down a side street and takes off his police uniform. He's going to defect from the service and I'll stay in Alaska with him." }, { "number": "2192", "head": "07/01/92", "content": "I am walking and trying to find L College. I see railroad tracks and am undecided which way to go to get there more efficiently. I choose a street and see a big steep bike cement path that goes down a steep embankment and back up the other side over the tracks (like the street at the M City house). I wonder if I'll slip and fall, it is so steep, but I manage it. I see a domed building in the distance and recognize it as one of the L College buildings. I walk in that direction and find the administration building with a ramp and stairs and I can't decide at first which one to walk up. I go up the ramp and then some stairs. I want to sign up for more classes. Now I go to the M City House and want to take a bath, I am very tired. I had wondered how I managed to walk so far. I go into a room that has a tiny bathtub like a sink and try to fill it with hot water. I have trouble doing it, it gets too full, the water is cool and sticky. I release the plug and it goes out too quickly and I try again. Millie is there, sort of helping. I look out the sliding pocket door and see a crowd of people at the S's house and a policeman. I wonder what the commotion is all about. I see Jake's pickup and all four tires are flat and it is jacked up. Vandals, perhaps. My father is around. I go back in the bathroom and shut the door. I am aware a man is attracted to me and he stands just outside the door playing music for me. I see his eye as he peaks into a corner of the door. I try to shut it more. I wonder how I'm going to fit in the tub. I fill it to nearly overflowing." }, { "number": "2193", "head": "07/02/92", "content": "I am in a living room and Katrina and her grown daughter are having a serious talk in the bedroom. I hear their voices raised in intense emotion. I am trying to play some music on the stereo and can't find the right switch. I am annoyed and somewhat amazed because I've been turning it on for a year and now I don't know how. I am frustrated. I am also sad because an old boyfriend, maybe Nate, only with the name Michael, has a new girlfriend. Katrina comes out to help me turn on the music, but it's not working. I go into my room and now there is a wild dance party going on out in the living room and I don't want to join them. I stay in my room. Katrina finds some paintings and I want them put up on the wall. She finds two that are green and one is of the Simpsons, the TV cartoon family. Someone else like Kayla had done them for me. She puts them on my wall, even as I tell her I don't want them on the same wall as my own paintings. Oh well, I shrug, annoyed. Then they put up strips of ribbon left over from Katrina hosting some fund-raiser. They are yellow ribbons like 1st prize ribbons at a county fair. Sayings are written on them. Someone pastes them up with wall paper paste. I want to dance and decide now that everyone has left, as it is 5:00 in the morning, to put on my shoes. They're simple black pumps. Some old friend, like Arthur, comes by. He says he doesn't want to dance. I say, \"fine,\" and continue putting my shoes on. He thinks I am ignoring him and want to dance with him. I don't want to dance with anybody. I just want to dance. Another man comes up, sort of Chicano, and calls me Cecilia and asks me to dance. He waits, as I try to get my straps buckled. Now I have five or six straps of different colors around my ankle and leg (left). He helps me buckle them, laughing. Now the shoe is a square cardboard box and I stuff towels in to keep it on. I go to the dance floor and skate around gracefully. It is fun and graceful. I enjoy. The music stops and I start singing the music and continue skating/dancing around." }, { "number": "2194", "head": "07/03/92", "content": "I am in a hospital room that doesn't really look like a hospital room. I had had two minor operations on my left foot and this morning I am going to go home. I see a huge bran muffin for my breakfast. Two other patients come in and dance for their exercise. They wear hospital gowns (one male and one female). They dance this a bit awkward like puppets on a string. I say, \"At least the man has good-looking legs.\" A woman patient in another bed in my room complains she doesn't feel like dancing. I say, \"Sure, it's good for you,\" and get out of bed to walk around the ward for a moment. I walk down the halls in a square and am amazed how well I feel, how much energy I have. I come back into the room excited about getting out of the hospital. A loudspeaker behind my head on the wall speaks. It is a man talking to me and I realize he's talking to the wrong customer (patient). I say angrily, \"That's not me. My father's name is M and we lived in M City.\" I am angry that he mixed me up with someone else. Now my doctor is in the room, sort of a Michael J. Fox or Dr. Fleischman. I like him. He tells me I can't go home but must have another operation, this one a big one. I am angry at him now. Why didn't he tell me this before? He describes the operation. It will be on the right side of my head and will involve a fusion device sticking out of my head (like the one I had on left ankle). It will also involve my speech center for awhile. They will provide me with codes to use to communicate with until the speech returns. I say to him, \"Well, are you sure you know what you're doing? You were working on my left foot and now you're doing my head!!\"" }, { "number": "2195", "head": "07/04/92", "content": "I am challenged to swallow whole the bad side and keep it under control. It is an impossible task because as I swallow it, it takes over and I do mean things." }, { "number": "2196", "head": "07/04/92", "content": "I am taking photographs and I see Dana outside on A. Street on a skateboard or roller skates rolling precariously down the street focusing for a shot. It's sort of a camera club and we are taking pictures to improve our techniques. My camera is square and so is the aperture, wide open and square." }, { "number": "2197", "head": "07/05/92", "content": "I am a man and work for a woman in a bank. She wants revenge on me for something she thinks I did. She pretends to be helpful and wants to publish my children's books. She creates a special book where the character is made into a doll and attached to the front cover of the book. But she comes back and says she needs some money to get it started and then will give it back soon. I empty my savings account and pay it. She smiles meanly because she's got me now. I'm basically a nice guy and she's starting to feel bad about what she's done to me. Now it's time to leave work and now I'm me, a woman. I join a huge crowd of people from Community College. I have my violin and play harmonizing notes with the singing crowd. I was asked to join the music department's violin group by Barbara, but don't think I'm good enough. I see Claude up ahead. He's riding a horse. I want to hang around him but the horse keeps stepping on my foot. I have to back away. Claude says he's going to the barn and rides on ahead. Now I see huge groups of people marching from another direction. We all meet at an intersection. One group announces their name and says they are really called \"The Almost Political Marching Group.\" We laugh at their joke. The violin group is way behind in the crowd. We turn a corner and I run ahead to find a place to be. I see a door up ahead and think it's the barn and go in, looking for Claude. I hear him in there and see lambs cavorting around and then I decide to leave. I go back and see the violin group seated. I join them and they are luckily playing the Hungarian Dance #5 and I play along, amazed I can remember it so well and can still manage to play with my fingers as they are. It is fun." }, { "number": "2198", "head": "07/05/92", "content": "My house is filled with boxes of Terry's and I can't get around. I am concerned. I see she is packing things out of the house and I go around back and see down out a window that she has taken two of my crocheted afghans. I holler down, \"Hey, Sue, Susan,\" I can't remember her name, like it's Ellie's roommate sunny. I go quickly around to the font door to call out, saying to Ellie, \"She may take the TV set, but that's not so bad, I have insurance.\" Ellie says she's more worried she'll take the food, considering the problem she has with weight. \"Oh, I never thought of that,\" I say. It wouldn't be so bad. I'd not be reimbursed, but it's not so much a loss. I go down the hall and some woman agrees with me that I have been gaining a lot these past five years and it really shows. I walk away from her saying, \"See, I knew that but people wouldn't tell me the truth. I hate aging!\"" }, { "number": "2199", "head": "07/06/92", "content": "I am a man comedian and waiting to be on star search or something like that. I get on stage with a Barbie doll and I am screamingly funny. \"How would you like to look at this?? Did your parents like them too? An anorexia doll. But the boys had a different point of view; they liked it.\" The audience roared. Now I'm a woman comedian and very funny. Afterward, the man and I go to a coffee shop to celebrate our success. I want to see a woman actress who is doing a play there. The helper woman comes by and says to me, \"He's been chosen, but you're a woman and they are still considering you.\" I get nervous, wondering if I made it. She suggests I go back to Jack Benny's office and wait at his door all night if necessary. I return, crawling up green venetian blinds and it is very precarious and I could have lost my hand grip and fallen, but I make it and turn it into a funny routine. I find my doll and special animal I used in my act and am very happy to be reunited with then. I hug them and talk to them. The helper woman tells me to wait until the light goes on this stage and then go out and perform again for Mr. Benny. She steps out to test the stage, which is a bit rickety as she is several hundred pounds. I go out and begin adlibbing. Men come out and I work them into the act. I am very funny, powerful, and weigh 300 lbs. I do a dance routine with one guy to show how an overweight woman can be seen as sexy and fully a woman. I grab one man by the hair during our routine and he winces, very impressed with my power. I say, \"I used to be a wrestler.\" I see my body as muscular and huge. Then Mr. Benny Jackson comes on stage and we sit in a circle and we are in awe of him. He has a tiny clown nose and is old and sweet. We applaud him. Then I applaud the woman helper who is also a comedian and tell her I couldn't have made it if she hadn't been out there when it was time for me to go on and do my show the first time. I told her I was having a hard time managing to keep in control the adrenaline of fear and excitement and wanted to keep as much flexible control as I could so I didn't totally lose it out there on stage, and seeing her there, already a successful comedian and a woman helped me." }, { "number": "2200", "head": "07/06/92", "content": "I put an ad in the paper announcing that I will be teaching math class and I am getting ready to do that. I have a pile of notes and magazine articles cut out. I am in a house, perhaps Ginny and Ernie's. I am in the kitchen and Ginny is around. Now she is crying and upset because Ernie just came over to tell her that the guys at work say she's a cold, rigid bitch and can't do anything. She is very hurt and I say I'm really surprised at Ernie for saying this to her. It was a mean thing to do. Ernie seems to agree with them that she is incompetent. The boys are cooking and cleaning because she would ruin the dinner. Ernie hangs around, inquisitive about what I'm planning to do. I feel scared, I've taken on more than I can manage. I see it is 9:10 in the evening and hear the doorbell. I go to open the door and my father is there shaking hands. I shake the hand of the first man student and say, \"Come on into the other room where my notes are set up on the piano.\" And they can sit on the couch, and Ernie is seated in a comfy chair in a corner, nearby. My father says anybody with FBS's in their names are well received, meaning they all have high math degrees. Now I'm really nervous and politely offer cookies and snacks and they go into the kitchen to get some. I say to Ernie with a look of appeal in my eyes, \"If you want to be my assistant and help me out, I'd sure appreciate it.\" He grins. He'd rather watch me squirm. He says Tessa says it's a bit weird to be getting instruction from a girlfriend. I start looking through my pile of notes and read the articles, hoping to pull myself together and be organized. I remind myself I am here to teach math from a humanistic point of view, not just straight math. I see an article showing three newborn babies and the article is about how the doctors are always looking for number 200 (the special child). They come in and sit down, expectant. I nervously smile and hope for the best. I wish I'd never been so foolish as to assume I could teach this. I suggest we all work on this material together. We'll learn from each other. I hope they don't get mad at me and think I'll give them back their fee if they feel I didn't interest them or teach them anything useful." }, { "number": "2201", "head": "07/09/92", "content": "I had a series of images where I feel desperate to reach my soul companion in the cosmos and fly through layers of roofs and barriers forcing myself upward like a moth to a flame or lighted window." }, { "number": "2202", "head": "07/09/92", "content": "I am at a cafeteria and am going to get something to eat. I stand and they put my wheelchair over to the side. My official helper is a retarded man who very seriously wants to help me the best he can. He clutches me around the middle from behind and drags me from food station to food station, hanging on to me diligently. It is uncomfortable. A retarded woman is the supervisor and asks if I want a hamburger. I say yes. She slaps down a pathetic white bread bun and calls for my server, Linda, also retarded. She asks what I want on my second burger and I think I say catsup and mayonnaise, but she says they are out of one of the seven commandments. She tells me which one, like it's a cucumber or something. I say, \"No, I said mayonnaise.\" I turn a corner and someone is complaining he has his bunting pan in a box and the people there have been too rough on it in storage and broke it. A woman complains she's in charge of the emotionally weird section, meaning the retarded people. I am offended by her patronizing attitude. I am annoyed at him as I examine the box, because the box is so flimsy and it is really faulty. Now I am watching a demonstration of blind people weaving mesh together with their bare hands. They stand between two screen door-like mesh screens and run their hands over it like they were playing a harp and it weaves them together. I am impressed. It looks like it would hurt. I go outside to talk with their counselor or supervisor, a nice young man. He is looking at a children's book with my name in it. He says things have improved here since last year when I visited. I say, \"You should have seen the patronizing attitude of this lady who worked with the retarded people. I notice my own attitude is patronizing." }, { "number": "2203", "head": "07/10/92", "content": "Willie has died and I am attending his funeral. He will be visiting us during the ceremony as a hologram and I am very curious to see how realistic this will be. I sit up front and see three empty chairs to the right where high school friend Dora and Aunt Esther will sit. Behind me are the rows of seats for the others. Then Dora sits next to me on the right. Esther is wandering among the many people in the audience section and she is announcing that Willie would have liked us to dance to his favorite music. She puts on a 50's rock and roll record and we all stand and dance, me crying sadly as I dance. I see the hologram of Willie and watch his eyes for contact. Dora cries too. After two songs, we sit, and now each person opens the gift they brought to Willie and I watch and exclaim, \"What's that?\" to one man. He says it's a set of golf clubs. I see five boxes on top of each other, each one a set of golf clubs. Willie liked to play golf. I wonder how this is helpful, to give clubs to a dead man. Maybe Dora can sell them and get something she can use. I see I've given him one golf club. Now there is a small boy, a midget, really, who wonders if the tooth fairy is real. I tell him a story about how I waited for the tooth fairy and I saw movement near the window, like I was telling a ghost story or Santa Claus story. He is enthralled with me. I am semi-teasing him. His father says, \"You really liked her story, why don't you tell her?\" He turns bright red in the face and I wonder if he'll be OK, maybe have a stroke or something. Now he's a midget man. He tries to tell me he really liked my story." }, { "number": "2204", "head": "07/12/92", "content": "I want to talk with a sheep who lays down like she wants her tummy rubbed like Fluffy. A sheep dog/wolf keeps moving in between us to prevent us from talking. I decide to respect the dogs obvious wishes because I don't want to get hurt. Later, the dog says, \"Oh, I guess you really aren't done talking yet,\" and moves aside so we can talk. I thank her." }, { "number": "2205", "head": "07/14/92", "content": "I am at the lower levels and there are scary things around, ugly things, monsters maybe. I decide to go upstairs to heaven. I walk upstairs and try to see prettier things, like angels, and fairies, I think. I manage to create foggy clouds and leaves. \"It's either fog or blue sky up here,\" I think. I am crying. something about healing. The people up there are going to do surgery on my feet. They begin and I feel queasy because there is no anesthetic and I might feel pain. I am aware that I won't feel pain if my mind is positive and believes it. I am worried I'll forget that in the middle of the surgery. They do my right foot and are working on my left foot. I am cradled by Katrina and Lucy, who rock me and soothe me and I cry. I am happy I am being healed." }, { "number": "2206", "head": "07/14/92", "content": "It is time to do voice studio work and people are late. I am singing a song with Doug and I am pleased to notice I sing well and in harmony. Lucy is there. We nearly finish the song. There are two more lines to go and we decide to stop for the day. Barry asks if he's needed tomorrow and I say yes. Sherina comes in and it is 6 o'clock, not 3 o'clock as I wanted. Dino comes in late. I am annoyed and ask what happened. Dino is standing and very tall and I ask him to sit down so I can talk to him without hurting my neck. He sits and now I look at a reflection of his face in a metal mug. I pick up a calculator-like thing and push a button out of curiosity. A male voice comes on a message machine from a bank. I can't get it to stop. I push buttons, read directions, etc. and can't figure it out. I ask them and they try. I look for Doug. He will know but he's eating an apple and walking down some stairs. I go to the top of the stairs and look down. I see he's dropped his brief case in the green ocean water in the room below and he is swimming, while still biting on his apple, to get it. I hope he's OK because he's partially blind. He feels his way out, pushing aside the fallen leaves. I wonder how come the water is allowed in the room; the nice wood floor will get ruined. He comes back and I turn and walk back in, not wanting him to know I watched. I now pick up a baby and notice it has hair in its mouth. I pull some out, wondering if the baby bites people's hair and then can't spit it out. I find more and more, deeper down the throat, and realize the baby gets hairballs like a cat and we have to get that out of there." }, { "number": "2207", "head": "07/15/92", "content": "Dwight was sad because he lost his girlfriend who is an invisible spirit or an alien. Her name is Clara or Laura. She comes and gets him and I am happy for him. There are aliens pursuing me. I grab a rope with heavy things on each end of it and swing it back and forth, smashing it from one wall to the next or rather from the left side of me to the right side of me, knocking at the aliens. This doesn't stop them. One runs at me and I catch him by the legs and he falls. Now I run and one chases me. I know I can't outrun him, so I suddenly throw myself to the ground and he can't stop fast enough and falls. I get up and run more, and see a secret place to hide and crawl in. I was earlier taking pictures with my camera. I saw a flying turkey vulture and a big one and a baby one roosting together. The images were compelling and strong. I felt happy to be able to take the pictures with my camera." }, { "number": "2208", "head": "07/22/92", "content": "I had made love to my \"husband\" who is like Richard L of playwriting class. I go into the bathroom to pee and realize this will be an opportunity to take a look at my husband's penis, which I now wear. I peer down into the toilet bowl, as I am seated on it and see a small weeny hung suspended by a hair, like it was a bowel movement. I gingerly pull at the hair until it all falls into the toilet bowl. I look again and see a small penis. I expected as much - small -- a bit disappointed. I see another bowel movement come out. It is soft. I then look again at the penis. It is bigger and I think, \"Oh, am I getting an erection?\" I think that would be fun or interesting. I am curious. I look again and it is a bit bigger, still semi-flaccid and has a fingernail at the end of it. \"No wonder,\" I think, \"that it felt funny when it was in me.\" The sensation wasn't painful, just interesting. I pee and pee and l look again and see a few blood spots and remember I haven't had periods for years now. Maybe I'm spotting. I feel a compelling need to pee and get annoyed with myself and say to myself, \"Go ahead, let it go.\" I do." }, { "number": "2209", "head": "07/23/92", "content": "I am in a room and a huge monarch butterfly is flying around. I think it is beautiful. It lands on my right wrist. I am excited, but a little nervous as it is a live insect and so big. At first it is interesting, but I get more nervous as it wriggles around and around and wraps itself around my wrist like it is spinning a cocoon. I see several crawly bugs, like its larva, and I get a bit panicky and want it off before this gets out of control. I don't want to touch it myself and run into another room where \"Benny\" is lying on the floor with an injured, bloody leg, perhaps shot or broken. Next to him is Burt Lancaster, who I ask to remove the butterfly. I caution him to be careful and not hurt the creature. He is rough and rips it from my wrist. It is torn and crumpled. He plops it on a table. I feel relieved it is off me and sad it is hurt." }, { "number": "2210", "head": "07/23/92", "content": "Now I am the injured person from the previous dream and go outside. I see a flying machine and I am in a helicopter thing. We fly around but have to be careful not to hit the telephone wires. There are wires everywhere, this being city blocks. Then we move on down the street and I see a huge expanse of blue sky. It feels freeing and we joyfully head on out. Now I see a person who, when her feet hit the ground and lift up for the next step, daisies and other pretty wild flowers grow up instantly. I realize she is the healing person I've been needing and looking for. I follow her inside and she lays her hands on my head (the left side as I am facing her, so it's really the right side). I am cured and feel great. Now there is a cute baby girl following me and wants to play. We sing songs together. I sing wonderful harmony to \"Hush little baby, don't you cry.\" Some woman behind me and behind a glass wall partition watches and is pleased. I am happy I have pleased her. Now the baby wants her medicine and doesn't want the regular stuff, but the special elixir I got from this place." }, { "number": "2211", "head": "07/24/92", "content": "I am with Ernie and Ginny at some sort of concert and am walking down a gravel aisle in the bleachers. I am looking for pretty rocks and find three. I show them to Ernie, who is impressed. The first one is a single line of quartz crystals in a row. The second one is a geode kind of thing with a hole in it with crystals inside, and a third one has unusual and pretty things in it. Now I am going back up the bleachers and I see Cary Grant, who is offended by a man's political statement and Cary uses his left arm to throw a punch at him. \"How Male!\" I say sarcastically and witheringly. He walks down the bleachers and I follow, almost slipping on the carpeted steps." }, { "number": "2212", "head": "07/24/92", "content": "I am going through boxes of old things from my business, which is now officially my daughter's business. I am looking for something and I check things off as I find them. I find the name \"Barb's\" has been changed and think I've found evidence, and then I remember she legitimately bought the business and so it is natural she would change the name. I change my outfit seven times to be exact replicas of seven past women to make her remember. Howard is in his office and she is in hers and they both ignore me but are very aware of me. It's time to leave, the end of the day. I go out to the car with her, very pleased that she was aware of all seven women, right down to the smell. I realize Howard hasn't joined us and I know he's trying to commit suicide and my daughter arranged it. I confront her and demand the key to his office. She says she hasn't got it. I prove she has and further I have one and I go back and open the door to find him nearly dead with pills. We take him to the hospital and save him." }, { "number": "2213", "head": "07/26/92", "content": "I am a doctor/physical therapist and work with children. I am loving and touch their faces in a loving way and this is their therapy. Now I have to go to a staff meeting or conference and I am very annoyed because this takes up my time from my patients. I find the room and go through the double doors and see a table where three or four doctors (male) are already seated. I choose to sit away from them at the nearest end to the speakers. If I have to be there, I want to be most efficient and not waste time. The head doctor at the speakers' table is Capt. Kirk and as a joke he walks over to me to give me a long kiss. I am annoyed. Why waste time playing around? The male doctors make fun of me for being so business minded." }, { "number": "2214", "head": "07/27/92", "content": "I am at a woman's shop looking for an outfit to wear. The place is also sort of a kid's school area and it's a mess. I pick up a container of play dough and throw it away. The woman owner says, \"Well, I suppose it's OK now, but it was helpful to have lots of that when we started.\" I realize I had acted automatically and shouldn't have. I apologize. She says, \"Why don't you tell anyone you were in education? Is it a secret?\" I say, \"No, not really, it's just that if I tell them, they will expect me to teach and be in charge. I don't want that now. I'm tired of it.\" She understands. I have a blouse and pants and go into a restroom to try them on. I am in a toilet stall where there is lots of water on the floor and I lay them in the water, accidentally. I realize what I did and pick them back up. I want to try them on to see if the size will be OK and then I'll take them off and dry them out. It will be difficult and tiring, but I really need to know if they will fit and look OK. I notice the button down shirt looks like a man's shirt and the young boy says, \"Oh, that will have to be done by the valet. You'll have to make an appointment.\" I don't want to wait, so I ask him if he will be my \"valet\" for now and help me out. He kindly agrees. I notice the shirt is very long, like a dress. It fits well. Now I try the pants and struggle with the wet trousers. I get them on and notice how thick my middle is, but the pants will fit. I then hear the voice of my soon-to-be husband as he is trying to come in to try out his outfit. I am surprised he doesn't notice this is a women's room and wonder for a moment if I got in the wrong room, but other women (and men) are there. He comes in, not seeing me. He is good-looking with blonde hair." }, { "number": "2215", "head": "08/02/92", "content": "I watch, and sort of am, a wife with a 2-year-old toddler who gets into everything, messes up her toys and refuses to help pick them up. The wife is angry and tired and insists the child help clean up. I/her pick up the child and carry her screaming to a day care center or a time out place. She is throwing a temper tantrum. The husband, sort of Nate, is annoyed and unwilling to help out. I act as a mediator and am very tolerant of his traditional male views that women's job is in the home and man's work is outside the home. I try to reason with them both. Someone cries and cries in grief." }, { "number": "2216", "head": "08/02/92", "content": "I am moving around in some kind of dance that moves purple colored sands around in patterns. After I am done, someone says, \"How very beautiful a voice she has.\" Someone else (male) says, \"Yes, we all have beautiful voices. But after they become aware of it, they change and can't do it as well.\" I feel like saying, \"But no, I can continue to be beautiful after I'm aware.\" The man says, \"Well, I invite you to partake of a new game. This one is going to be finished soon.\" I don't want it to be finished, because I do it well. He wants me to move on and try something new and challenging." }, { "number": "2217", "head": "08/03/92", "content": "I am in a room and the scene keeps changing times and people. Now I am watching a scene of my mother's family when Millie was about 8 years old. I ask where is Millie and someone (my mother) points to the couch where she is lying down because she is sick with the croup. She has on glasses like I wore when 6 years old. I am handed Millie's old diary and I try to read it in anticipation. This will be very interesting. I keep finding printed stories and instructions on how to keep a diary, but none of her own words. Later, my father asks me if I ever do research on a general question for people and I say, \"Sometimes.\" He says he's interested in \"extroverts\" and I say I have lots of info on that. He says he is particularly interested in it as related to rheumatoid arthritics." }, { "number": "2218", "head": "08/04/92", "content": "I am going up in an airplane, high, high up, and coming straight down and then learning to pull out before you crash on the ground. I like this experience. Then I land and my \"husband,\" like Bud of the movie \"The Abyss,\" comes over. We go to his place of work, like the counseling department, only in an auditorium setting. He introduces me to the secretary, a large, fat woman and she offers me some potato chips, left over from a welcoming party given for my husband and me. She says to my husband, \"Welcome,\" but she can't come to the party. She can wait in the lounge. My husband is insulted. We leave in a huff. He does take me to the lounge after I say it's OK. The other wives are there and welcome me. We poke around the things there left by our husbands. There are lots of little desk objects like pen sets with little statues on them. A woman's leg and a tower on the same stand. We laugh at this theme as it is on several husband's desks. I want to go to work, but it's clear I'm not wanted. So the wives go in and one says, \"Come with me.\" I don't care, so I follow her. We find an area where not many people are. We are going to write songs together. It's part of the work. She does the music and me the lyrics or she the lyrics and me the music. Jerome comes by. He's the boss and wants to know why we don't sit down where the others are. Later I am driving down a street (maybe M City) and look in an open window and see a small girl, the daughter of my old boyfriend, and wonder if he can give me my truck and I can drive it home today, since I'm back in town this Saturday morning." }, { "number": "2219", "head": "08/06/92", "content": "I am going to go on vacation, and swim and have a good time, but somehow I get taken as a prisoner by the Arabs and taken to a desert fort made of thick adobe walls. I think, \"If it keeps raining a lot, it will all melt away and there will be no prison.\" Fat chance. A woman takes all my vacation money and acts like it's hers. She's an Arab guard, or something. I'm in trouble, and I don't really know it yet. She says because I was captured in the IS. Galopadoes (meaning island galapadoes), they will incarcerate me in that section. I'm being put away for a long time!" }, { "number": "2220", "head": "08/07/92", "content": "I decide, somewhat hastily, to marry this Native American man. I don't know him very well, but I've always wanted a Native American man, so I do it. Jake and Valerie are late for the wedding; I wear a beautiful gown. There is an old boyfriend who comes and dances with me to some jazz music after the ceremony and we dance well. Then the husband tries to dance with me and he appears thin and awkward, but we dance anyway. I like him and hope this all works out. Now we lay down to make love; we are excited. The single hospital-like bed is near a huge window with no curtains and the double dutch door is opened. I think to the door to close, and the bottom half closes and two locks snap closed and I have trouble getting the top part closed. Then the kisses on my neck become huge bites of a monster leaving a huge, bloody wound. I don't want this and I refuse to accept the image and force it back to kisses and sexual enjoyment. He kisses my breasts and I feel very sexually pleasured. Now the time is up and I can return to the real world I had left, only if I do I can not return to this one and will lose the husband, who I like. I decide to stay with him. We sit on a couch and listen to jazz musicians. Another woman, another me, returns through a door and feels alone." }, { "number": "2221", "head": "08/09/92", "content": "I am teaching a class and Darryl is one of the students. I like him just like I did in high school. We dance together and hold hands and I wonder if the other students will be upset or think this is unethical. After all, I did know him when I was a teen. As we are walking together toward the door, I say to him, with loving anticipation, \"Will I see you at lunch?\" He says curtly, \"No,\" and walks away. I feel devastated and hurt. I love him and want him to want me." }, { "number": "2222", "head": "08/12/92", "content": "I am interviewing a new roommate who has two small children. I say to her that I want to make it clear that she should not expect me to be available to babysit. I am a writer and need lots of alone and quiet time, maybe for a half hour now and again, but otherwise, arrange for someone else. She's a bit annoyed. Then the children come in. It's early in the morning. I see a man who has hand puppets and he's grilling hamburgers on a portable grill and doing a puppet show. Foxy Fox puppet. The kids want to buy a hamburger; they are hungry. I say, \"No, come into the kitchen, I'll get you some breakfast.\" I find a loaf of white bread and offer to make them toast and milk. I decide to have some myself and cringe a bit at the white bread, but decide this once it's OK. I find two slices already toasted and decide to warm them up for myself. We return to the living room and I think, \"See, this is what I mean; here it is too early in the morning and I have to be up to watch those kids.\" Now it's time to go to work and the boss is giving everyone their assignments. A man is supposed to deliver packages of parts. He comes up to me and waits. I say, \"What?\" He says, \"You're supposed to pay me.\" I say, \"Wait.\" I look around for Bill, the boss. \"Might know it,\" I say, \"when you need him, he's gone.\" I call for him and he comes in and I say, \"This guy wants to be paid.\" He writes up an invoice. Now I need a ride back to the main area, so we walk together over to the driver's area. Two or three old men are walking toward us and one says, \"Will you look at her form?\" \"What a sexist remark,\" I think and come back sassily with, \"and I suppose you are amorphous?\" I am very pleased with my witty remark and tell it to the man with me and he's laughing. Now I find the drivers. I walk down a steep embankment through a crowd of people gathered to watch some event or construction job. I see ropes on the ground and ask what they are for. I see men working down the hill with the ropes. I move fast and wonder if I might have been better off taking the more gentle slope further on, but I make it and find the rows of bikes at the \"bike pool\" (like a motor pool). Patsy is a bike driver and I decide to get a ride with her back to the main terminal. I look at the pink bike and say, \"But where do I sit?\" I hope there's a seat. I see a double seat, side by side, like sidesaddle. I get on and have some concern about where to hold on so it doesn't seem like I have my arm around Patsy. She gets on and off we go down the bike lane of the freeway. I wonder if she's good enough to keep balance. I wonder if I know how to relax and keep balance. We chat. She tells me of her mother having another relationship with this kind of man who beats her or something bad. I say, \"Oh yes, people repeat their patterns.\" I'm not surprised, then Patsy turns off the road toward a snow field and a large bump. She plows on ahead and just as we crest the top of the bump. I look down and see we are about to plunge off the precipice into a grand canyon-like dropoff. We are dead and in terror, we turn desperately and by some miracle, we actually avoid falling. We are stunned and shocked and hurriedly move away back to the road. We would have been killed. I said, \"Someone wants us alive,\" meaning God. \"Thank you,\" we pray fervently. We vow to look and be more careful from now on. We are so grateful and humbled by the experience. Pat says, \"I'll bet this one goes in the dream book!\" Somewhere in the dream I look at photos and see one of Pat and Amy cooking something in a kitchen and looking at the camera like someone had just called their names and they looked up, seeing the camera and mugs for it, surprised." }, { "number": "2223", "head": "08/20/92", "content": "I am in a house and Howard is there and I realize I'm late for an appointment in Roseburg and I get up and rush around to go. Howard, in the kitchen, in exasperation, says, \"Why don't we just get over this part and settle down and do things together? You like to swim and I like to golf.\" I smile wryly at Katrina who is listening to this as if to say, \"I don't believe I'm hearing this.\" I feel like saying, \"But I don't want to spend time with you, that's why.\" He's going out the back door and I don't bother to respond to him and hurry out the front, slipping on the stair and it tips over as I walk down it and falls. I haven't time to pick it up and rush on to the garage. I see Howard's taxi leaving and he is still muttering angrily in frustration." }, { "number": "2224", "head": "08/20/92", "content": "I am in a room, like maybe a big lecture hall and I am curiously looking around. I see nearly everyone sleeping, sitting up. People are cuddled together like Charla and me in my chair. One person is holding the other like I hold Charla. One boy had a beard and mustache, but he was just a boy. He slept like a child. I enjoy looking around me and seeing things. I am aware I am dreaming." }, { "number": "2225", "head": "08/21/92", "content": "I am a manager of a baseball team and I want the star player to go out and greet the audience, which is in a brick building. He is shy and unwilling and I am very forceful. I grab him by his arms and lean into him and speak loudly. I strongly encourage him to go out and do it. A man is watching and is impressed with me. I tell the player the audience will love him. I point to the building and say, \"They will go crazy with applause.\" I then push the player out to the field and I hear the crowd screaming and cheering." }, { "number": "2226", "head": "08/30/92", "content": "I am all dressed up in a pretty dress. I walk out through a party with many people and feel shy. I continue through the crowd and walk down some stairs to a quiet, unpeopled place. I see a man, with balding head, but good-looking and in a white navy dress uniform. He likes me very much and I am happy to see him. We dance a slow, romantic dance and it is a passionate moment where I feel filled with intense love and desire for him, not sexual, but LOVE. He feels the same way, but he is being proper and not allowing us to kiss, even though I pucker up and offer a kiss. I want to be united with him forever and it's horrible pain to think he may leave me. We walk arm in arm and hug." }, { "number": "2227", "head": "09/03/92", "content": "I am running to help, wounded as the gunfire and machine gun fire is all around me. I leap over two brick walls to get to them. I try to fix their wounds. Then I see a cardboard box and realize a baby is in there. I pull off layer after layer of cardboard some with writing on it from the baby's mother, I finally find the baby in a plastic molded container like she was a doll. I take her out and feel immense relief for her. I hold her and kiss her and hug her, knowing she had a very traumatic time in the dark and want her to feel loved and whole. She has short cute blonde hair and wears a blue jammie. She is happy and not badly traumatized by her experience. [BL]" }, { "number": "2228", "head": "09/03/92", "content": "I am aware of bright, colorful images and then I hear the radio and know I am partly awake and seeing dream symbols. It is exciting and I am curious what I will see." }, { "number": "2229", "head": "09/07/92", "content": "I am walking down a sidewalk and a homeless woman lies down and wraps herself in a black blanket to my left. I stand there and look at her. It seems she did this deliberately so I will notice her. I see she has the blanket wrapped tightly around her and over her head because it is very cold outside. I look at her exposed feet in moccasin shoes and watch to see if she is shivering. She isn't. I choose to walk away from her, feeling a bit guilty for not trying to help. [BL]" }, { "number": "2230", "head": "09/07/92", "content": "I am moving and packing my things. Paulina is a little girl and I am surprised as I remember she really is 21 years old now. I find miniature things left behind. I tell someone to pull off the blue paper off the wall I used as a decoration. They do it, but also take down the backing on a huge cork board. It's a mess. I see a picture I want to keep. Now I am moving into the new house. There are some stairs that need ramping. An L-shaped hall with the rooms all in a row down the halls. I see a pretty living room at the end of one hall and a fireplace. I go look out the window and see a river nearby with beavers swimming pulling a log. I call to my mother and say, \"Come see the beavers pulling a log.\" I am surprised the river is so close by. My father comes in to help me unpack." }, { "number": "2231", "head": "09/08/92", "content": "I am packing my things, little pretty glass things and figurines and trying not to take too many with me to the new place. I have a hard time resisting them and pack them up. A woman client of mine comes and starts telling me her current crisis and I half listen and then say, \"Excuse me, but I'm busy right now, could you wait a few moments?\" She sits on a couch and I go into another room looking on the top of the refridge for more of my things. I am annoyed that she is bothering me and annoyed I didn't just tell her to go away. I see what looks like a tiny figurine of a blue heron and pick it up (on top of refridge) and it turns out to be a fat dragon plastic figurine with a silly face. Oh, it's my mothers. I go to another refridge, where the door is part way open because the shelves in the door are part way out. I think someone is cleaning it. My father says, \"No, it's OK,\" and shoves them back in place. I step up on a step chair too far up on the rungs and my balance is precarious. I back down a few rungs and feel better. Then I see a man, and my client goes to him and I realize I'd told her he's a good man and will help her, so she's get off my back. The first thing the man (like Pete Allgiere) does is kiss her and I feel bad. I start to go over to stop this and the woman comes to me. I signal her to come closer and she does, holding open a book and she says, \"Look, your book.\" I see she or the man has made an illustration out of part of my book (a thing about different kinds of plants). I feel pleased and unsure whether to pursue warning her the man is not as I thought he was. She seems content to return to him and I let go and don't do anything more." }, { "number": "2232", "head": "09/09/92", "content": "I notice Rochelle is spending more time with me and I sigh and say, \"I guess this means you want a relationship with me.\" She laughs and says, \"What makes you think that?\" I have a good one going with this neat British woman, who is very intelligent. I feel relieved and a bit rejected." }, { "number": "2233", "head": "09/15/92", "content": "My mother insists she must see if I have underpants on and grabs at my clothes to pull them up to look. I feel violated and upset and yell at her to stop that. She has no right to defy my wishes. I slap at her hand. She insists." }, { "number": "2234", "head": "09/16/92", "content": "A huge double trailer truck parks in a way that protects the handicapped parking space for me. He likes me and is trying to help. I pull the van up in the graveled spot, glad he is helping me. I get out and am walking and see the ocean on my left. I notice a huge wave gathering up and realize I'd better get moving quickly. I walk quickly uphill, now the trucker is on my left and my mother is on my right. We walk and I feel tired and achy. This is hard work for a person out of shape. The wave comes over us, totally immersing us and I think I'll die and won't be able to hold my breath long enough. Then I notice I can breathe and realize we had made it up high enough for safety." }, { "number": "2235", "head": "09/17/92", "content": "Marci is noisy and bothersome. She won't stop talking and I am very upset. My friends Mirabelle and Lucy (maybe Rochelle as well) agree to kill her for me. It seems the only way to shut her up. I hesitantly agree. I want her to stop, but I feel squeamish about doing it myself. So they shot her with a gun and she falls. Now we have to get rid of the body, but I notice she's not dead yet. She's still breathing. One of my friends puts her on my bed while she goes looking for something to finish her off with. I feel real dread at being so close to her. She stares out vacantly, breathing. I feel sick, being so near her. I start to feel remorse. First she felt ill anyway, and now we've added the pain of a bullet and blood. Someone suggests we give her an overdose of pain killers so she'll be free of the pain and finally die. I agree and then I feel bad and decide it's best to turn ourselves in with her so she can get help. It was wrong to try to kill her. I agree to take the full blame and I say I will tell the authorities that I killed her and shot the gun myself. That way my friends won't get in trouble for trying to help me. They don't know what to do. [BL]" }, { "number": "2236", "head": "09/18/92", "content": "I am in a large house with many rooms. I want to show off these rooms to someone and start to open a door to show two rooms off my bedroom. I see someone in a bed and remember that some of these rooms are rented. I feel embarrassed and shut the door. Now I and Ellie are ironing some dresses for the little girl, who is full of energy and hard to manage." }, { "number": "2237", "head": "09/21/92", "content": "I have two automons, robots. One is Data from Star Trek. We go visit a man who is weeping at the loss of his beloved wife who he nursed through her illness. I sob in tremendous grief that, because I don't have a beloved, I shall die alone. No one will care for me when I become ill. My mother is annoyed and does not understand why I cry." }, { "number": "2238", "head": "09/21/92", "content": "I am at the Kennedy compound and I am very tall, maybe 6 foot and 50 years old. I had been working hard at regaining my body tone and strength and I dive into the swim pool and dive in the 12 foot deep end and swim with strong strokes. I am aware that I am not as strong as I want to be or think I am as I try to match the powerful strokes I am imagining myself doing." }, { "number": "2239", "head": "09/21/92", "content": "I hear a punk boy pounding on my door and I am angry at him. I open the door and yell at him to stop it and leave me alone. He is mean and refuses to stop. He seems to enjoy my anger. That's why he's doing this. I try to keep the door locked, but he keeps pushing it open and the door isn't very strong. So I open the door, grab the kid by the hair and slap him on the face, bite him on the forehead and in general try to beat him into submission. It doesn't work, of course, and I drag him by the ear to his mother's, across town in the bad section. It becomes clear they don't give a damn, and not only are they not going to help me, they are going to make it worse by being vengeful." }, { "number": "2240", "head": "09/22/92", "content": "Dora is to fight a lion and somehow I am now doing it, fighting viciously, slicing and clawing and giving birth to three kids all at the same time, and after, feeling tired and pleased to be done." }, { "number": "2241", "head": "09/22/92", "content": "I see a pool of water that is trapped before a bleachers thing and I am in a plastic bath tub. I am sitting in the pool of water swirling around and around in the water, having fun and pleased that this little bit of pleasure is available to me." }, { "number": "2242", "head": "09/22/92", "content": "There is some thing like a parade or ceremony going on and Jennifer H says the end must be done by a lesbian. I say, \"Why? Don't get me wrong, it's OK and all, but why that one and not some other discriminated against person like an older person?\" I was curious." }, { "number": "2243", "head": "09/23/92", "content": "I am sitting on Abner's lap and we are lovey-dovey. We are going to get married. We are at a hotel, room #72. It's time to clean up from breakfast and I decide to clean up the dishes and utensils for Abner and me. I realize this is very wife-like and I say to Abner, smiling, \"I'm only going to do this three times a year.\" I don't want him to think this will be normal operating procedures! I take a pile of utensils to the kitchen area and ask where to put them. I realize I could have left all this for the staff, seeing as how we paid for our room. The staff is already coming into the room to prepare it for the next guests. Now I get to choose a free gift and I'm looking at some pages to see what's available. I can't make much sense out of the words and there aren't any pictures. I see a wooden book holder with a light and a magnifying glass to read books more easily. I like that. Someone shows me one without varnish and it has two dishes with a pink liquid in it. I decide to take that one." }, { "number": "2244", "head": "09/25/92", "content": "I own a huge house or apartment building and now have lots of renters, who have broken the hinges on my K-mart special appliances. It is time to eat and I seem to have a husband and a son. I go to the glass doors of a freezer unit, like in a store, only it's for home, and open the door, angry that the door isn't properly shut and the food could spoil. I get a hunk of frozen hamburger meat out of a Costco-like package. I take it to my husband who makes patties out of it in the shape of sleeping people, their heads resting on the hamburger buns. I decide that I'll charge each renter $5 a month on upkeep of the appliances and need to start collecting the money. I shout to them to come on over and start paying. I have a clipboard with lots of forms and papers and I struggle to find the right one so I can record who paid. One older man hasn't paid his rent and I'm trying to get that too. It's a lot of work and I'm not enjoying this experience." }, { "number": "2245", "head": "09/26/92", "content": "I am for some reason taking my Masters in Counseling again. I'm near completion but don't seem to want to finish. I can't figure out why I would do this. What's the purpose? I have a rich father and am estranged from him and need to find my own place to live and he's fighting it. Finally I look up to a cave in the side rock wall and say that's where I need to live. Everyone is glad I've finally seen that. My father's wife is happy for me. I go up there to look it over. There are windows and a swarm of mosquitoes are in there, and then they fly out through the small square openings under the windows that look like tiny windows themselves. I say, \"I'll have to remember to stand up and see the view, because it is so breathtaking and inspirational.\" Then I go downstairs to find the kitchen. William Riker is my friend and he's glad I've finally found my niche, my place. I go into the kitchen and see my female roommate, who is lesbian. I see her standing, doing the dishes with her arm around her girlfriend and I feel relief. It's her girlfriend. I am not lesbian. We are not obligated to be girlfriends. I turn and walk away. I see a crowd and hear Curtis Salgoto playing his blues harp. I am standing behind Curtis Salgoto as he plays his blues harp to the crowd, and I play with him on my harp, trying to impress him. Finally he turns and walks up close to me in a sexy way and leans in and says, \"OK, you're not bad, now stop shadowing me and let me play.\" He smiles. I then lean into him and caress his hair with my left hand. I smile in a sexy way and say, \"Someday, when you're not so arrogant, you'll really hear me and know I'm as good as you are.\" He smiles and turns and plays to his adoring audience. I walk away, around the corner to my part of the room under the \"egg hole\" I live in now and start rehearsing with my band. I play and play and rehearse. Curtis is walking past the place I'm rehearsing to go out the door and he hears me and stops to listen. He is very impressed. He sneezes and tries to hide, because he doesn't want me to know he heard. I come out to the hall and say \"Who's that that sneezed?\" I see him. I say, \"Did you sneeze?\" He turns, a sheepish grin on his face and says yes. \"You heard me?\" I ask. He says, \"Yes. You're as good as I am.\" He says it with grudging admiration. I am so happy. I say to my band men as they are walking past to go home, \"Did you hear that?\" He says \"Yeah, he said you are as good as he is.\" I grin. Curtis pulls out a paperback book which is his wallet and says to the guy, \"Do I have anything in this wallet that will make you forget you ever heard that?\" The guy grins and takes the wallet and leaves. Curtis leans against the wall, pulls me into an embrace and we stand there, pleasantly hugging." }, { "number": "2246", "head": "09/26/92", "content": "I have two or three more dreams this morning where the relationship with Curtis continues. We are lovers and can't get enough of each other. He asks how often we'll have sex and I say, \"As often as you like.\" I want him all the time and he me. We are on tour with the band. The boys of his band are not happy I'm around, but tolerate me because they have no choice. We sleep, make love, and sleep again. It never seems to stop. We are together constantly. I am happy. I take some of my children's books to the librarian in this town we play at. I tell her what the other librarian had said about my books not being professionally done and what the problems are. I wonder why I do this. She won't want to buy, but it seems important to be honest. In the later dream, I go around the rooms asking where he is; I want to watch him creating a story because I can learn from this. I enter a room where the boys of the band are watching TV and ask if he's there. One says yes. I see him laying on the floor watching a movie he's made. He looks over to see our reactions to his acting. I go lay down to watch with him and notice I lay down a few feet away from him. This is the first time in our intense relationship where some small distance was OK. I move a drying toddler's outfit off a wire and lay it on the floor so I can see the TV better. I feel it (it's corduroy material) to see if it's dry. It is. Earlier a woman came to sing for him. She's good and I take her videotape to him. Her older mother or manager says a word that sounds Native American as her name. Maybe there is Marci energy in her as well. I wonder if it is smart of me to introduce her to my man Curtis." }, { "number": "2247", "head": "09/27/92", "content": "I am going to live in a room with a roommate. Hasani is the director of whatever owns that room, like maybe the university. She comes in to tell me some changes that are going to happen. The good news is that the room will be fixed up structurally. There are gaps under and above the door jam and such. The bad news is that some of the furnishings are going. My white kitchen table is going. \"Not that one,\" I say. I need something there to hold my toast and breakfast things; otherwise I'd have to carry it across the room. \"Well, someone can help you do that,\" says Hasani. I am shocked she'd say that. \"I can't believe you would say that,\" I say. I begin to cry in my frustration. She says, embarrassed, \"Don't cry. Black people don't cry.\" I say angrily, \"I'm not black!\" and continue to cry. She then says they want my piano, an old upright. She doesn't know what to do, because what if a disabled group like Silvi wants it. It's not fair. A boy comes in and puts flowers in a metal vase on a dining table. I grudgingly say thank you to him, after he leaves. I sleep on a couch that could be made into a bed, but choose not to go to that trouble. All the furnishings are a bit ratty." }, { "number": "2248", "head": "09/28/92", "content": "I am seated on a high contraption seat that is on a cart (tea cart like table on wheels). Jake starts taking it apart so it doesn't sit so high. I decide to go to the bathroom and a man follows me to the door. I shut the gauze curtain door and think about locking the door but don't because I might insult or offend the man. I then sit on the toilet which looks a lot like Rena's wheelchair. I am slumped like she is. Then the man returns and wants in, peeking through the curtain. I am angry at him and tell him to go away. I'm glad I'm clothed so he can't see anything. My mother comes in and I comment on her sunburned face. It is bright red but only in parts. A swirl around her cheeks is still white. Lydia is there and I ask her how old she is now. She says, \"13.\" I think, \"Oh oh, I'm glad she's going back home with Mom.\" The teen years are hard. I remember I didn't know her during her teen years because I married and moved away. Then, Jake and Dwight are setting up a garage sale and I go out to see what we're selling: lots of lawn mowers, and lots of beautiful glass vases. The vases are my mother's and they are beautiful. I think of buying them but they are too expensive: $280, $40, etc. They are too much to ask for at a garage sale." }, { "number": "2249", "head": "09/30/92", "content": "I need to go to the bathroom and go looking for a bathroom. I don't find one and have to go badly. I bend down near a fireplace in a sort of church lobby/activity room. I am standing in a foot of water, and as I pee, the sound of water rushing is very loud. I notice some churchgoers peering in through the window at me and seeing me, but I can't stop. It rushes out in torrents and goes on a long time. The people remind me of Hillary and Charles." }, { "number": "2250", "head": "09/30/92", "content": "Mirabelle and I have special tickets to a big Star Trek conference presentation in an auditorium. We go in close to where the speaker, Jonathan Frakes, will be. At first I don't like sitting there, because of my old fears about being in the middle of a crowd, but then I decide it's OK. We'll get to hear him interviewing all the special guests, like Capt. Kirk. We are excited. This will be fun. The staff pulls up a cart and goes through the crowd giving out promotional gifts. They put it on your left foot like a shoe, but it's a padded bag full of gifts. He kneels and puts it on my foot like it was the glass slipper and I the princess. I then bend down to see what my gift is. It forms into a turtle, a large one, like a tortoise." }, { "number": "2251", "head": "10/02/92", "content": "I try my hand at serving a tennis ball and I'm pretty damn good. A man, older, manager, is very interested in my prowess and he has his helpers line up behind me and hand me tennis balls as I lob them consistently over the net. I miss hitting some and feel frustrated, like the dream theme is to be a perfect hitter and somehow I'm not doing it. So I will it to be done. I'm handed some strange tennis balls that are not padded well, or square almost. Then I wake up in a room and don't know where I am, but suspect I'm in a room the manager got for me. I smoke a cigarette, aware a tennis athlete wouldn't do that. Someone knocks at the door and I go answer it, hesitantly looking for where the door is. It's some big, muscular man selling something. I go back in and peek around a corner of a door to see who is there. It's a woman, possibly the manager's wife. She has dark hair." }, { "number": "2252", "head": "10/07/92", "content": "Jake and I are in his \"car,\" a flat, large platform on small wheels. I say this is a California car. It's nice and fun, but wouldn't be too safe if we crashed. I now am with some women and I'm trying to write down a dream I had, in detail, and someone wants me to tell them the dream. I say I have to write this down first before it's all gone! It's fading fast even as I try to repeat the details in my mind to keep them there. I write fast. [BL]" }, { "number": "2253", "head": "10/09/92", "content": "I must check out dream number 286. Now I'm at Grandma Mildred's house, only it's different. Dovre and I are going to go on a trip. Dovre is going to drive. She helps me with food and things. We look at a map and Dovre says, \"We can go all the way to the tip of South America.\" It sounds interesting to me. Dovre drives the car through the house and the front yard. I see lots of cats and I'm worried we will accidentally run over them. I feel a bump and feel queasy, thinking we did run over one. I see a brown cat and remark about how big it is. I look again and see its face. It's a pig, only it has a body of a cat! No wonder it's so big; it's really a pig. Then I look at advertisements in a newspaper or magazine and see the name Curtis Salgoto. He's advertising his music tape. The ad is like a movie on small dark negative like film or a negative. I am impressed and watch. It's his story. He's a small boy, maybe 9 years old. He's part black. He plays his harp. I tell Dovre he's my favorite harp man. He's good. He says he's going to move to K falls (Klamath) and I laugh. It's hard enough making it to the big time, but to move to Klamath will make it much harder. I didn't know he was black. Now he's lying face down in a river and his father pulls him out and says, \"What are you doing?\" He smiles and says he's OK. Bonnie sits in the river next to him to see if he's OK and not drowning." }, { "number": "2254", "head": "10/10/92", "content": "I am somewhere, in a house I've never seen before, and visiting Ginny and Ernie. They keep adding more children and animals to their family. Ernie is sweet caring and accepting. Now we have a Siamese cat and I see her tummy as someone pets her and say, \"She's pregnant,\" now there will be more kittens. A talking collie dog comes up to me and we chat. I pet it and the fur is so short it feels like nagahyde. It is red in color. Now we are going to go shopping, but Ginny is helping rearrange my furniture. I guess we are in my \"house.\" She moves the file cabinets to the left and puts the bookcase behind another piece of big furniture. I point out that it will be harder for me to get to things now. She is involved in the project and we patiently wait until she's done to go. Ernie is very accepting and I feel love for him. We go to the store, like a huge Costco place. I climb three or four flights of stairs and wonder why I'm walking and how I'll manage when I get there. We get to the top and inside and I try to get into a shopping cart so Ginny can push me around. I don't fit." }, { "number": "2255", "head": "10/11/92", "content": "I am swimming and I see a woman under the water surface like trapped under ice and fighting for air at an open hole is the shape of a birth slit. I watch this and say that's a dream symbol I don't want to have! It is unpleasant. Now I go to a warmer beach and I am wading, but every time I put my foot down, I get something like a green frog creature stuck to my foot like a suction cup and I peel it off. I don't like them and try to get away from them. My Aunt Naomi and I are walking in the waves and I hear them hissing and swelling and she's concerned for me like the waves are too big and will knock me over. I look and see they are normal height and ignore her warnings to come in closer to shore. I am a bit annoyed at her for being unnecessarily concerned." }, { "number": "2256", "head": "10/11/92", "content": "I am tired and want to go home to my parents' for the weekend, but Jock has heard his play will be presented that night and he wants to see it. He turned to his wife and says, \"Let's go see it.\" She is upset and says, \"You go, I can't.\" He's upset. Why can't she go? She sounds like my mother, annoyed and not willing to be truthful. She says in a passive aggressive way, \"No reason, really.\" I guess if she calls the nurse and sees if an ice pack on her knee will help, she can go. I am tense because it is clear to me as they argue that she's probably on her period and doesn't want to say. Jock keeps pressing her and I restrain my strong urge to interrupt and explain all the unspoken stuff going on. She then asks if I need to go to the bathroom, or I said, \"I guess I'll go home now and not go to the play myself. I need a bathroom.\" \"We'll use mine at the church,\" she says and gets up. What a pain. It's farther but, oh, well, I follow them up a hill along the shoreline. Mud squishes under foot. Now it's a cliff and as I climb up, Jock has a conversation with a young man from the church about a mutual client they work with who is a very evil, dangerous guy. Jock is giving him advice on how to work with him as I now have to go in the tiny, strange door of the church. It's a triangle opening with ropes of twine as a sort of archway opening big enough to stick my foot through. I say, \"This is too small. I don't want to go in.\" Jock encourages me. I sit on the edge of the cliff and gently slide one foot (right) into the opening and squeeze myself slowly through (see drawing). It is easier than I thought it would be. I am surprised." }, { "number": "2257", "head": "10/11/92", "content": "Dwight has written a poem and I am surprised and very pleased. I ask to see it. He agrees and I lay it out. It is at first a very long piece of paper. That changes to a series or units or verses of 3-D objects. The first verse says something about home, hearth, etc. My mother is reading it with me and she is upset. Oh, now he's going to write bad things about me. I say reassuringly, \"No, now don't take all this personally. Everyone has a mom, it's universal.\" I know I'm lying, but can't figure out how she got insulted by the words \"home and hearth,\" which we slightly argue about the pronunciation of hearth. The next verse has little blow up plastic fruits like apples and bananas. The next verse has a real banana and apple and two wooden, old-fashioned cooking utensils. I keep moving the verses around as more keep coming. I am astounded at how much there is! He's finally opened up and let it out and wow, there is a a lot. It is sort of negative and full of pain. Then, the forgiveness verse finally comes, roses. I am very happy. Later, the word \"Fritzvalue\"." }, { "number": "2258", "head": "10/12/92", "content": "Paulina (my daughter) and I are invited to come to a ceremony for the children by a Native American man. We agree and think it will be very interesting. We are looking forward to it. Unbeknownst to me, the man wants to marry me and is setting up this ceremony to camouflage the wedding ceremony. So Paulina and start walking and soon find ourselves out in a desert area like near M City. No one else is around and the road seems unmarked. We wonder if we are in the right place. I look back and see the dirt road and some people coming out way far back. So I know we are just ahead of everyone else. We continue on. Then we see some wooden houses, white man buildings, and realize that in order to make us comfortable, they have built this little village. We look at each building and admire it. They are cute. Now the Native American man comes to me and suggests I sit with the children during the ceremony rather than in the bleachers with the audience. I agree. He then shows me an ordinary smoking pipe and says if this is handed to me, I must hold it in my cupped hands just as he shows me, or I will offend the gods. I agree and watch carefully. I ask how I should return it after I have taken a smoke. He says, \"Turn it this way (full circle, clockwise) and hand the pipe stem first.\" I listen carefully and nod. The ceremony begins. [BL]" }, { "number": "2259", "head": "10/13/92", "content": "I am in a small group of people who are coming up with story ideas. It is my turn and so I think back to what I'd been experiencing in the dream before and use part of that as the story. I say, \"There's this military man whose father was into nuclear stuff, a professor, and he doesn't want to have anything to do with that stuff. He meets a woman who is excellent at different sports and an outdoors type. The challenge is...\" I don't remember the rest. I then say, \"I know it's similar to a movie I saw once.\" Then there is an interruption. Two teen girls come into the store to buy something. I turn to see what they need. The teacher says they are in the wrong store if they want jewelry. I say, \"Oh, no, there is jewelry in this store; you just can't see it from where you are sitting.\" I describe what I see, which is a long wall filled with jewelry, and then the far right end has the ribbons and buttons and sewing notions he had seen. I get up to wait on the two girls, who seem to want to try on all the pretty jewelry and obviously don't have the money to pay for things. I want them to finish so I can go back and work on the story." }, { "number": "2260", "head": "10/14/92", "content": "I am a patient in a hospital, just being admitted. I overhear some nurses saying that they are going to strike and they will hide out at the OCA. I know this is serious and I must tell the authorities, so that patients won't be left in a dangerous situation. I notice some of the nurses coming near where I am hidden, behind some partitions, and I scoot down and hope they don't find me. They do find me and I pretend I am unconscious. They read my name off the bracelet I wear, the admitting plastic bracelet. Now, I know that if I tell, they'll probably be able to trace the leak to me. They leave, and I decide to go find the police. I tell them, hoping I won't get in trouble." }, { "number": "2261", "head": "10/14/92", "content": "I am in a house. A man, presumably my \"husband,\" and I are cleaning out the closets. The second hand man comes to pick the stuff up. I point to a box of stuff and he takes it to his truck. I notice my husband's motorcycle was with the box and I call to my husband that he accidentally took his motorcycle. I then call out to the secondhand man that we don't want to give away the motorcycle. The secondhand man tries to console us and then gets a bit sarcastic. We don't change our minds, but insist. He gives it back reluctantly. I go to a room and see clothes hanging up and laying around. I hesitate on some of the outfits, but with the encouragement of my husband, am able to get rid of most of them. I get rid of slim wool skirts like in high school, a green net and chiffon prom dress, baby clothes, dresses of my girls when they were small. I keep one baby outfit because someone I know will be having a baby girl soon. I see Paulina B sleeping on a single bed; she is maybe 6 years old. We go down the hall, peeking into each room. I see a closet with bags and luggage and leave it there, because they belong to a guest. Finally we have cleaned out the whole house. We feel good about it. The secondhand man, now has a punk rocker haircut and is sarcastic. \"Gee, with all this, I guess I'll only have to come back once a month!\" Good, Bob,\" says my husband, sarcastically." }, { "number": "2262", "head": "10/15/92", "content": "Two nice young men are sort of the parents of Mateo. They ask him to do something and he doesn't want to, so they run around doing it for him. One of them stops and says, \"No, we aren't going to do this any more. He can do things for himself. We've been too ready to do it for him.\" Mateo is upstairs and he overhears this and he gets scared and starts crying and saying, \"No, no.\" Somehow this is scary for him. Now, I am comforting a fat seven-year-old girl, who is Bonnie. She is scared too. I go on. I seem to be at a fairgrounds-like place and the crowd is waiting for the Indian drumming to start. I am waiting too. The drummer is a redneck-looking, pot-bellied white man. He sets up a drum and tells the crowd they can get ready. At least half of them can dance. They move to the front. I stay behind, but now there is room for all of us to dance. I look at them doing a kind of twist and shout dance and feel scorn. That's not the right way to dance with respect for the spirit of the drum. I try to dance Indian. The song is over and the crowd goes away. I stay to watch the drummer who is setting up for the next song. He kicks at the fire he has created to keep it going and asks me to move one of the drums \"over there.\" I pick one drum up reverently and carry it over to where he points. He keeps yelling instructions, but I can't seem to understand where he wants it and I keep doing it incorrectly until he finally yells at me and begins crying. I go to him and say, \"I'm willing to help, but I can't understand what you're saying and there's no need to yell at me.\" He is embarrassed and ashamed and hangs his head and says, \"I know Ma'am.\" He takes the drum and walks away and goes up into a carnival type building. I wait. I look up to see a Disneyland-like train turn and whirl above me. I see a railroad bridge to my left with people sitting along the edge waiting for a ride. A carnival worker comes up to me and says, \"What happened? I hear Larry and ____ are crying.\" I say, \"I don't know what happened. We were setting up for the next dance, we had the fire here and the crowd was there where it's fenced in now.\" I see a short storm wire fence. He opens a door and I see Larry of Uni house crying. He shuts the door. I say, \"The other one is up there.\" I point to where the drummer had gone." }, { "number": "2263", "head": "10/15/92", "content": "A sweet man is teasing me, about kissing. He said, \"What about this?\" I say, \"But that's male and male kissing.\" He says, \"Do you like male kissing you?\" I smile, shy, of course I do. I don't know if he's going to kiss me or not." }, { "number": "2264", "head": "10/19/92", "content": "I'm in a sort of playground area, only it's in a room. There are three round circle toys and two other women are with me. One says, \"Let's play on these.\" I say, \"OK.\" She stands on one, her arm hanging on to the circle and I stand on the middle one and then I say, \"No, I want the one on the end.\" It felt better to have the middle one between us. Then you lean back so the circle thing starts spinning and you hang on for dear life. It goes really fast and the centrifugal force pulls you hard and I wonder if I can hang on! I say, \"I don't know if I can do this!\" My arms are so weak. Maggie, who has MS, agrees it's hard. But it is fun. Then we get off and the woman says, \"There's one thing you do that I don't like.\" I turn away and say, \"What is it?\" not really wanting to hear. She says, \"I don't like it when you say that men don't like you because you're overweight. It doesn't have anything to do with how you look.\" I feel annoyed and say, \"Oh, I suppose I have to remember that when I'm out with you, I should never make that type of remark,\" like this is a great deal to ask of me. She says, \"Yeah, I do expect that.\" I shrug and walk away from her. Now I'm standing in a street and I see Zippy dog. I call him over and he lays down and I lay down and we cuddle as I pet and hug him in a friendly way. I croon, \"Oh, silly dog.\" Then I look up and see some cars coming and wonder if I should sit up so they realize there is a human here as well as a dog, so they'll think twice about running us over. I get up. Now I want to walk to the store and get something to eat. A girl, mildly mentally retarded, says she'll go with me, but only if we take the bus. I smirk and say, \"Is the walk too much for you?\" She smiles and says cheerfully, \"Yes.\" I feel my body vibrate and say jokingly, \"OH! What is this? An earthquake in me?\" I laugh and look around to see a man in the distance using a jackhammer which has caused the vibration. We cross the street to go to the bus stop." }, { "number": "2265", "head": "10/20/92", "content": "I am in charge of creating a small little group of marchers for a presentation or parade. They play flutes and I need to figure out how they are going to hold their music. I look around for something that will work and see a small little flat board and think it will do, and then I go to other classrooms to see what's around. I find a larger, more fancy thing that would hang from their neck and the sheet music would be facing the audience and I wonder how they would read the music, even though it looks pretty for the audience. Then I see a photography class and listen in and realize they really want it to be spiffy and entertaining. So now I find a long, ornate board and we'll do some precision moves and wear costumes. I go into another room and as I'm going down the street in my wheelchair, I see another woman in a wheelchair, a larger woman like Rudean. We travel together for a block or so, bumping over curb cuts and ducking cars. She seems negative. I go into a class, two narrow rows of desks and everyone hurriedly gets up to make room for me. I feel conspicuous, but this is normal. They aren't used to the chair. We get settled in and they are talking about doing a dance and can't imagine how I can participate. I point out to them that I already know how to dance and ask Archie to dance with me to show them. He does some warm up moves and I do too with my chair and spin around and skid to a stop and everyone is impressed and amazed. They and I shove the rugs and furniture aside to make room and then Archie and I dance. It is lovely. At one point he pulls me up to standing and we dance. I then lean into the instructor and incorporate him into the dance. They start relaxing around me. Now another woman is going to share her dance and needs to cast the dancers. She says angrily and sadly that suicide is the end. I say, \"Maybe, maybe not. If the person doesn't learn from it, they die and that's sad, but if they learn and grow from it, it is beautiful. It's a pivotal decision point, a challenge, and therefore powerful and beautiful.\" Now she instructs us to stand in our places. We form a sort of short square cross. She is skinny and has a skinny young boyfriend, dance partner. Other skinny young women are in her dance team. I see a sting of bright colored decorator lights, like Xmas tree lights in the wing she and her team are in." }, { "number": "2266", "head": "10/21/92", "content": "I am in a house and apparently living with Ellie and Charla. I hear Ellie yelling at Charla and Charla is crying. I feel very upset at Ellie and want to go rescue Charla from Ellie's anger. I see a picture of Ellie on the mantel/bookshelf, smiling. I go looking for them, but I am worried that that means I shall be leaving all my possessions in the house in the care of my roommates who might steal it. As I approach Ellie who seems to be in another house, I see the three roommates, two men and a woman driving away with my van, stealing it. I yell at them to stop. They keep on going. I get in the passenger side of a brown car with a man driving and we chase, in the woods, up the mountains; we are going fast and side by side. I lean out the window and yell at them, poking the driver with an umbrella. I viciously poke him, trying to get him to stop. He laughs at me. The woman reaches her hand over and says, \"Give it to me.\" She is laughing. I say, \"You'd really like that, wouldn't you. Then you'd grab it and I wouldn't have anything to fight with.\" Just at that moment, the man's head explodes and he just oozes out from under the door jam. No one is driving now and I am shocked. The other two don't even attempt to try to get the van under control. It crashes over a steep hillside and crashes and burns. The flames now start a forest fire. Now the man and I must run for it. We try to go downhill but can't. It's a cliff. We want to find a river. We are forced by the fire uphill and he remembers a place we can hide, a creek. We find instead a small cave and the smoke is now overtaking us. He says, \"Get in the cave,\" and I balk. What if there's a bear in there? What if we suffocate from the smoke? He pushes me in. I see a bear, but it is too busy trying to survive to pay any attention to me." }, { "number": "2267", "head": "10/22/92", "content": "I am hiding in a rectangular basement room, thick cement, white walls and little else. There is a bed and some food stored there. I peek in little holes in the wall to see what the enemy army is up to and see a general talking his plans and see a map on the wall. Now I must try to escape and get the information out and I open the door and skulk up the stairs. I see soldiers and I hold my rifle ready to shoot and nearly shoot one, but I notice that if I just keep walking and don't draw attention to myself, they seem to not notice me. I had nearly blown it by making them pay attention to me. So I get across the lawn and see lots of parked cars, interesting designs. I decide on one and get in. I discover it's a sort of hang glider. I peddle like mad and notice I'm on a dirt road going slightly uphill and hope I can get momentum going before they get me. Then the road starts a gentle down slope and I start to go faster. Then I get a bit of wind and rise up in the air and then I see a cliff and off it I go, gliding and looking down the steep mountain slope. I save lots of time as the road is windy and I can take a shortcut this way. I see off in the distance far below a city and head for it, hoping I don't run out of wind or whatever it takes to keep me up there before I arrive where I need to go." }, { "number": "2268", "head": "10/23/92", "content": "Somehow I am helping get Jared's car fixed by a grumpy neighbor, brake shoes and other stuff, and I get the bill and pay it, even though I think it's too much. Then Jared and Dorothy come and he's belligerent and he's yelling how the job wasn't done right and he won't pay and I get furious and leap between him and Howard and yell at Jared, \"Hey, I'm talking to you. We went to a lot of trouble to get this done for you. Now I know you traveled a lot of miles and used lots of time, but so did we and, hey, don't walk away when I'm talking to you. You finish listening to me, and then go yell at your son! We did the best we could!\" And then the neighbor comes in apologizing, he had put on the wrong kind of brake shoes and offers to fix it at no charge, which is what Jared was mad about and saying he wouldn't pay for. It all gets worked out." }, { "number": "2269", "head": "10/23/92", "content": "I go up an aisle stairs like in bleachers or theater. Pete lives there and is having his dinner on a thing like a TV tray. Other people live there. I try to find an elevator. I can't, so I walk up the stairs to visit him." }, { "number": "2270", "head": "10/23/92", "content": "I sit on a couch with Ernie. We hold hands and it is sweet and tender and hesitant. I love him and him me. But, of course, he's married. It's not so much \"love\" as a gentle, tender mutual regard." }, { "number": "2271", "head": "10/23/92", "content": "Dana has a hard time walking and I pick him up and carry him in my arms, partially dragging him. It is hard but I can manage. The professors are upset with me for doing this. They think it is too hard for me to do." }, { "number": "2272", "head": "10/23/92", "content": "I am going to give my girl child a birthday party. It's 1:00 in the afternoon and I go to see if the neighborhood children are here yet to go to the movies with her. Someone says she's just now taking her nap, and I realize the timing isn't going well. I decide to let her sleep until I've got the party together. I wait. A few kids, maybe a year old, come in and play in the living room, then some neighbors, and now there's a lot of people there. I laugh, watching them play. They are so fun to watch and so creative. I call out, \"Did anyone really want to go to the movies after all?\" Or did they prefer to continue, with what they are doing? They seem quite content to be playing as they are doing with the fun games and things I have provided. I say, \"OK,\" and go into the kitchen area to get the cake and ice cream going. My mother and people are there, talking and so on. A phone call comes; it is Amber, who wants to know if her mother is going to stay there, because it will ruin their plans if she stays longer. I notice a man who I like is listening and watching. I say, \"Hey, no reason why you can't come stay overnight here, we can visit.\" She hesitates and then agrees. I say, \"I know there's plenty of room,\" and then hesitate, counting where I've already promised to put people, this man included, but I decide there is enough room. She agrees to stop by tomorrow on her way home from wherever she is now. Now there is some sort of challenge with two men and the challenge is that I must catch a ball (or manuscript) being thrown over the bad man neighbor's fence and I must break the taboos and rules and hop over into his yard, over his fence, and retrieve it. This is pretty scary because he owns a huge dog named something fierce like Thunder or something, a huge great dane that would sooner eat you than look at you. I take the challenge cheerfully. I leap up over the tall fence and see a small, skinny space and a second fence I leap up to the top of the second fence and the dog is barking and growling and trying to get to me. I hold him at bay by putting my foot up against a small dog door (for a large dog) and hold it shut. I dip down and grab the object. The neighbor man comes out and threatens to kill me. I hop back over to my side, safe and unharmed but with both man and dog furious at me." }, { "number": "2273", "head": "10/24/92", "content": "I and my \"husband\" kiss and he says he wants to lay on top of me and cuddle. He says it feels better that way. We cuddle and it is sweet and sensual. I love it. There is the slight tantalizing promise of sexual feelings later. After that, I am putting all the children to bed. It is fun and sweet. I play with them and kiss them and they hug. My roommate S is angry and upset and I encourage her to leave. Now we have to find another place to live. I go downtown and enter a newspaper office to find an ad. A man is telling his ad to the clerk. He says, \"Near downtown and near the river.\" I say, \"That sounds like what I'm looking for.\" We agree he shouldn't put his ad in and we'll go look for it. I apologize to the clerk for taking him away. She's OK with it. We go to see he house. The living room is large. We walk through to the kitchen, which is also large. There are several sets of sinks, stoves etc. I walk through to the back yard, which is enclosed, wooded and beautiful. The children will love it. I look up and notice the entire huge backyard is roofed to protect from rain. I decide I don't like that and it changes to just an overhang near the porch. The man shows me the mosquito netting to roll down around the porch. I wonder if that means there are... [NOTE: THIS DREAM WAS CUT OFF.]" }, { "number": "2274", "head": "10/26/92", "content": "A man is negative and yelling that this boy can't do something. I tell him to leave the boy alone. He's doing fine." }, { "number": "2275", "head": "10/27/92", "content": "I'm at a family gathering and it's getting time to leave. The entertainment is over. A man like Raul had done an act of magic and juggling. He had handed out little gifts and four knives didn't get handed out and he said he'd give us them later. Now only my two brothers and one sister are left around the table and we start talking. Lydia complains about how my mother is always this way or that and I am surprised to hear her being negative. I usually do that. I then read a portion of a letter I wrote (which had a few mistakes where I needed to add the word IF, like the sentence said something like I would like to die, or I would die if, but I wrote, IF I would like to die) several times and on the third time they yawn and stop listening. I feel a little hurt, but acknowledge that maybe I was being boring and attention-getting. They agree. Dwight takes over and tells me how I'm always so bossy. They all take turns telling me off. They aren't going to put up with it any more. I feel bad, but unfortunately agree with them. Now, the entertainer is back and does his thing and other entertainers are there. They all wear black and white masks on their faces. I remember that is the theme of this occasion. He reminds himself to give Jake the four knives he hadn't in the last round. Charla is sitting on Lydia's lap and leaning over on me and now she wants to curl up in my lap. I say, \"You're fine this way,\" (on Lydia's lap but near me), but she insists and curls up on me. It's nice and I hug her and cover us up with a blanket. Then she slides off my lap and goes to play and begins crying. I go over to see. She is a skinny cloth doll with a ring stuck on her skinny one-leg trunk. I say, \"Is this what you are crying about?\" She says, \"Yes.\" I help her remove the ring. She is happy and I hug her and let her finish her crying. When she was on my lap, I was talking with Jake on my right, and I started to say, \"Uncle Fo,\" but then I said to him, \"I'm sorry. I forgot. I just like that name.\" \"Well, I don't,\" he said, angrily. They are all four really on my case. It was so rare that we all talked like this and really shared our feelings, and we could only do it because all the other relatives were already gone." }, { "number": "2276", "head": "10/27/92", "content": "I am entering a room where a graduation will take place. I pick up a crying boy to comfort him. He's afraid of this graduation. I hug him and sooth him and explain that soon a bunch of people in blue robes will come in and it will be OK. We enter the room and walk to the opposite side against the wall. There are no chairs and I wonder how I'll manage standing through the whole thing. Lydia is now on my left and my mother on my right. I see young people walking in randomly with blue robes on and point them out to the boy. There is water about mid-calf height on the floor and I am aware of a hole in front of me and wonder where it is exactly. I worry about it. It moves toward me and I think I'm going to step in it and disappear. My mother ridicules me for being over-concerned and making a fuss. The boy gets down to go to his father. The boy's name is Dickie. Ugh. I think, \"A chip off the old block.\" I decide I must leave the room to insure my safety. I leave and now am in a kitchen-like area. I decide to sleep in the van and now I'm out there; it is a cold, snowy night. A window is open. I order a special sleeping bag from a catalogue that will keep me warm. I notice the van is now in a heated sort of garage room and a horse is there. It loves me intently and wants me to ride it, but I hesitate. He shortens his legs so it's easy for me to get up, he loves me so much. I try to get on over his ample rump, wondering if he'll kick me. He, of course, won't because he needs me so badly. I get on and he grows back up to his normal height. I ride him into the house and decide to take a warm bath. I then get out of the tub, noticing I'm still in the garage room and it is being kept well heated for me at great expense. I hang up a yellow plastic shovel thing on a hook on the wall and remind myself to go get more of those hooks. They are very helpful. My mother is annoyed with me for getting so much special privilege. I go into the kitchen area to the table. I think I assure her I'll clean up after myself. She is disapproving of what I do and how I do it." }, { "number": "2277", "head": "10/29/92", "content": "I am with Dovre and we are at some kind of campground resort area. I am on a bicycle-like thing and am going back to my camp area. There is a center line of broken tree stumps in the road and I ride over them like they are those bumps in the center line. As I turn a corner and get off the bike, I see Michael (of crystals) Ron. He's leaving and I am entering and we pause and wave to each other. I say, \"I'll see you later.\" He says, \"I'm leaving tomorrow,\" and I say, \"I'm leaving tonight. I guess this is goodbye.\" We look at each other uncertainly, wanting to connect, but the moment passes and I walk on. I think about that moment, feeling badly that I didn't say anything to connect later. I just let it pass like I always do, when I'm in automatic. Then, I find a bathroom and see four or five open stalls of toilets and look for the least messy one. Some have leaks and some have turds in them. I squat over a tiny, low bowl and have a bowel movement. I am a bit constipated and it is hard to get it out. A woman comes over and chats with me as I am squatted in this embarrassing position. Then Michael/Ron comes in and it's no longer the bathroom but my campsite. I am laying down and he starts to make gentle, hesitating love to me. I want him to, but I am \"thinking\" it, not feeling it. I french kiss him and wonder why I am anticipating that when I don't particularly like it. He follows my lead. I wonder what I'm doing. Why can't I just relax and feel it, and not be so uptight about performance or what he thinks? Then I remember we are out in the open and wonder if people will see us. Michael/Ron then scoots us off the blanket and under a small table and pulls a blanket over us. I say, \"Oh, don't do that. Now you are in the gravel.\" I want him to be more comfortable, but he says it's OK and picks me up and carries me to his camp site which is more private. I am amazed at his strength, because I am still lying down and covered by this table and blanket. He says, \"Just a minute,\" and goes into a small cabin bed area and then invites me in. I realize this is Claude's bed and feel funny making love to Ron in it when I'd rather be with Claude myself. I go in and lay down. Michael/Ron says, \"Oh, you sat on my eagle button,\" and I realize he and I are wearing army jackets. I am surprised he was ever in the army, being as he's so gentle and new-age. I make a joke about sitting on his eagle and he says it's still cold in here. I feel the coolness and agree. Then I decide to unbutton the jacket. I do it matter-of-factly, wondering why I don't use this obvious opportunity to be sexy and provocative. Later, it's time for me to leave. I try to put things back like they were and pack my things. Michael/Ron says he's going over to his vehicle and put things away. He does. I see gold bangle bracelets and chains for necklaces and wonder if they are Sharon's (Claude's new girlfriend's.) I see toys and I guess they are for her daughter. I feel some jealousy and sadness. Now I go looking for Michael/Ron. I pass a camp trailer/tent that is shaking violently as the two people in it are making passionate love. I laugh at it all because it wasn't so long ago I was with Michael/Ron making love and now these people, oblivious to others, are having at it. I see his van set up and go there. Then I can't find him. The van has turned into a fancy RV. I turn to go back but he calls to me on the road and catches up. Then I see my father. He has come over the mountain on a bus so he can help me drive home over the mountains. I am relieved a bit because I then won't have to drive myself. My father talks of aunts and uncles that are old now and in some places they have to live together in retirement centers. Maybe that's not so bad, I wonder." }, { "number": "2278", "head": "10/29/92", "content": "I am on stage, as a sort of stage manager, in C City. A little black girl is going to do ballet and tap dancing. She does the ballet and the audience loves it, although it is a redneck audience and usually doesn't care for this sort of thing. I think some rough man kind of forced them to be there, because he wanted the girl to have an audience. Just before the show, I had looked through the curtains to see only a few people seated up front and to the left side. There is a short intermission for the girl to change into her tap shoes. The time gets longer and the audience gets restless. I think, \"I'd better do some Evangeline if this keeps up.\" She comes back, but she doesn't want to dance now. She says her tummy is upset and she had to go to the bathroom and maybe she'll dance, maybe she won't. I say, \"Then I need to know. Take one minute to decide. Either way it's OK. If you dance, fine, if you don't, fine, I will just do my Evangeline character. But I need to know now!\" She agrees to dance. I go out front of the curtain and chat with the audience about how the town hasn't changed much since I was there years ago. [BL]" }, { "number": "2279", "head": "10/29/92", "content": "I observe as a woman drives a car, and in the center of the front seat there is a bathtub and a naked woman is in it and a man is in the passenger or back seat. He's kind of rough and I worry the naked woman is too vulnerable." }, { "number": "2280", "head": "10/31/92", "content": "I am driving the wrong way, against traffic. I see four lanes of busy traffic coming at me and dodge the cars crossing the lanes to get to the right side of the road. Then I am angry at Ellie because she has decided to move out of my house and I don't think she's ready yet. I tell her that she should wait until she's got her full head up out of the \"waves,\" not just her eyes, meaning she takes too much risk and needs to slow down and take care of herself." }, { "number": "2281", "head": "10/31/92", "content": "I am in a bedroom; I have just moved in. (It's similar to this new apartment I live in.) I am looking at a computer-like monitor that shows pictures and I see \"The top of the world,\" a village in the alps, like. My mother is there, holding her son, my baby brother. He is 2 months old. My mother has red lipstick on and speaks with her jaw clenched. She says the recipe given this year with the calendar was \"Yom Kippers\" and she just wasn't going to make that. She wasn't up to it. Did I have my big box of recipes still? I said I did but it's probably in storage. I'd have to get everything out of storage and look for it. She hands the baby to me. I hold him. He's cute and I marvel at how he is my brother, and yet I have grandchildren older than he. It will be fun to have him around occasionally. I then get in bed, after giving the baby back to my mother. I am laying in a single bed and feel cold. I try to pull the blankets over me." }, { "number": "2282", "head": "10/31/92", "content": "I am walking through the city blocks of a new city, sight seeing. I am now beyond where the stores are and walking along the side of the highway. There are no houses or anything, but I am curious about what is beyond it. The only way to explore a new city is to walk all the streets and see what's what. I decide this way will be too long and I turn and go the other way and am now going down a hill and the ocean is on the left. I want to take a picture and start to cross the road to the little turn off where I can be safe and take a picture. A huge RV pulls up there and I wait, thinking how ironic, just when I was going to go there. Finally they pull away. I get there and put on my wheelchair brakes. I kind of roll a bit anyway, which makes me nervous because it's a sheer dropoff. I focus the camera which looks like opera glasses. I see a small island with birds on it. At first I thought there was a polar bear on it, but it was birds. I snap shots, bringing them closer with the telephoto lens. I then go on and am in a house with I think, Shannon, the old the community college poetry teacher. I've written something, a letter perhaps, and she isn't reading it. Another woman picks it up and looks at it. Nobody is much impressed." }, { "number": "2283", "head": "11/01/92", "content": "Mirabelle and I are in a church and we start clapping our hands to get the congregation to keep time with us. Then we start singing. It went something like this, \"Lord I need your help now,\" and He said, \"Just pray to me.\" I said, \"I can do that Lord, I can do that, because I have God, and God has me.\" Then we'd sing another verse and repeat the chorus. The audience would clap with us at first and then quiet up to hear the words of the verse." }, { "number": "2284", "head": "11/01/92", "content": "A black man is attracted to me and me to him. I like his gentleness and loving attitude. I think he's sexy as well. But I hesitate because he's loud mouthed and uncouth and it is somewhat embarrassing to have him around my friends. He's testing me to see if I am honest and open. There is a parade and I join it, acting silly and joining in the march/dance. He likes that I'm willing to do that. He asks me questions about a man named Scott who stayed overnight. He stands very close to me and I feel like I want to melt into his arms, but resist. He wants to know if he stayed two nights and I tell him honestly it was only one night. He wants to know if I made l love to him and I tell him no. He won't believe me at first. I tell him openly it isn't that I'm virtuous; I was scared and can't relax to lovemaking when I'm scared. He respects that. He's painted small purple squares on my black floor. It makes a nice design. He has to go to the bathroom so he says, \"I'll leave my money and my drugs here with you; guess I'll find out if I can trust you.\" He does. I then leave the room talking to someone, perhaps my husband. I see my 2-year-old son going into the room and follow and see that he's eaten one of the big, colorful pills. I reach my finger in his mouth to get it out and he won't cooperate. I dig around his narrow, clenched mouth and finally force it out. I wonder what kind of scary drug it is, maybe LSD. The man comes back and I tell him what happened. We are more openly in love with each other and can't resist one another. He is less uncouth and I begin to realize he's a talented artist and rich and had been playing a charade to see if I could l love him without the finery. I found out he was an artist because I bumped a book on a chair and a picture fell out and I picked it up. Tempted to open the book and look more, I resolutely don't as that would be an invasion of privacy. We hug and kiss. It is delightful, warm and loving." }, { "number": "2285", "head": "11/03/92", "content": "I belong to some club and we are hanging out and talking and Ralph comes in with a scathing letter. He doesn't like the way we waste time playing with tools or knitting or letting Clarisa talk and play. We think he's being rude and uncaring. He doesn't like the maps on the wall. Then there is some kind of space travel and Sheila J is old and ill and reads poetry." }, { "number": "2286", "head": "11/04/92", "content": "I am working in something like a children's camp. Then it's sort of a circus-like place and lots of the employees get sick and so only a few of us are left. Someone says we can all double up on the jobs and no one will know we're short. The show will go on and they sure will be surprised at curtain call when only five of us come out. I say, \"Even I can help.\" I walk along an edge of a canyon and look over to find the activity I can help with. I find a clear plastic toy I shot like a cannon. Later, I am tired and want to go home. I feel like a nurse from Vietnam, tired, shocked etc. I bum a ride from George, a Native American who lives in these isolated parts. He takes a shortcut that is a hair raising ride, up a steep road hill and over and down. He laughs and says, \"Hang on.\" I kind of like the sensation, like a roller coaster ride, and laugh. We get to town and I am exhausted and I say, \"George will you marry me?\" meaning it's so hard sometimes to do it alone. He actually takes me seriously and likes the idea as he respects and likes me. He starts talking about us spending time together. I smile and say, \"How sweet, but I was just joking.\" He is sad and disappointed. I look in my wallet for some money to help pay gas. I find a voucher for 45 cents and then see a dollar bill, then a couple of fives. I give him a two dollar bill, which is more than I thought I could afford, but it's OK. I try to stuff all my papers back in the wallet to close it. I get out of the car, but he really wants to talk, to stay with me. Now I'm with a woman nurse who brought me home and we are watching the continuing romance of George and me as it blossoms. How very sweet and poignant. The woman yawns and asks if I need any help getting my bed made or arranged. I said no it's OK. I sleep in a child's bed. Then I wonder if I have refused help and will need it later as usual. The car is parked backwards in a steep driveway and the brakes are on, but it starts sliding backward to the garage and I wonder if I could be hurt by being cut in half as the car forces it's way into the garage. It stops and I am OK. I watch George and \"me\" hugging and think it happens that way sometimes, small town, two people get together and the romance and love slowly develops over time. I feel alone and sad as I get out of the car to go to my house, alone." }, { "number": "2287", "head": "11/04/92", "content": "I have a great idea for a book or something and I am rushing home to write it or research it and I deliberately go around a crowd of people having fun and bike on a path alone. I go to the house I used to live in and see my mother and Lydia are still there cleaning up and packing. I ask permission to come in and use the phone. I walk through several rooms, noticing the wallpaper is newspaper comics and have holes in them, and think I should try to help fix that but decide to continue on with the writing phone calls." }, { "number": "2288", "head": "11/05/92", "content": "I have a half of a golden purse in the shape of a bar. I look over and see another woman has four or five." }, { "number": "2289", "head": "11/05/92", "content": "I enter a room and George Carlin has a huge stack of glass bowls and I suggest we clean them. He and I are doing this precarious balancing act with the dishes as we playfully argue who's going to do the dishes and when. In order to prevent the whole bunch to tumble and break, we manage to make three smaller columns of dishes. Now I am at the sink and washing off dried bits of catsup and food off the dish. Now I am looking for a place to go to the bathroom. Paulina has moved in with me, so she's around. I want some privacy. Howard is around, too. I find a small hall-like room with a door at each end and I try to close both doors as Paulina and someone is on the left side in a living room watching TV and someone else is on the right side in another room. I squat to have a bowel movement and pause, wishing I had brought toilet paper. I realize if I let go, I will urinate all over the floor, and I pick up a bit of paper debris to hold under me to catch some of the flow. It's going to be a mess. Then I realize, now that I am alone, I can just go into the bathroom and do it normally in a toilet and save myself a lot of muss and fuss. I get up to go to the bathroom, feeling relieved." }, { "number": "2290", "head": "11/06/92", "content": "A large jungle cat, like a tiger and a huge snake, are all wrapped up around each other fighting. A cut is made on the back of the cat's head at the base of the skull so the snake can get its poison into the cat and kill it. But if it's the snake doing it, where did he get the paws?? So I don't know who is biting and poisoning who!" }, { "number": "2291", "head": "11/07/92", "content": "I am teaching a small group of difficult students, math. They're rowdy, refuse to be quiet and I keep trying to talk over them. Finally, in frustration, I yell, \"Shut up,\" and slap them around on the face and ears. It doesn't really do much. I dismiss the ones who are merely marginally difficult and say these four have to stay. I tell them to go up to the board and give one of them (four teen males) the problem 5 + 5 to work, I am sarcastic. He can't get it. Later, I am with Paulina and looking in a glass display case at miniatures. I want to pierce my eyelid and wear a small model of the USS Enterprise. We look at them and I change my mind because they would be so heavy I wouldn't be able to open my eye. I see my small kitten and it is playing with a small colorful mouse with a baby miniature mouse at its side. I hope my cat doesn't hurt the mouse baby. Later I ask my mother where I should put this bowl of food. I tell her I put it under a shelf on a wall so it's out of the way of feet and won't get stepped on. She says that's OK. Aunt Naomi is around somewhere." }, { "number": "2292", "head": "11/10/92", "content": "Dora and I and Ellie as a 10-year-old are in a house and I look out the open door and see some boats in a river and say, \"Look at the parade.\" Behind the five or so boats are people jogging on the water. I am amazed. How can they walk on water? We go out and look. It's those new shoes with special soles, made to resist the water surface so they don't sink. Dora wants a closer look, so she goes into the river and walks in the same spot and we laugh because it is clear that the river there is so shallow it appears she is walking on the surface. As she walks, she gets deeper and deeper and now she is swimming (she is pregnant). Now Ellie decides to join her and jumps in the deep part and swims around. I get very upset because it is a steep embankment and the water is deep and I couldn't go save her if she got in trouble. I insist she come out now. \"Ellie, come out right now.\" \"No, mommy, I want to swim.\" \"Ellie, please come out; I am afraid.\" \"I'm OK, mommy\" She stays in and I escalate to screaming my orders in fear. She refuses and gets out and dives back in several different times while I explain in a screaming, tearful, fearful voice how dangerous it is, and if she had trouble, I couldn't go save her and she'd drown, or worse. I realize with some guilt I would have to throw myself in and try to save her and drown with her. Finally she gets out and says, \"But in the Babar book, it said you have to try new things.\" I am upset that she got this idea out of a children's book. I explain how you need to take risks, but only after you have thought them out and know if they are safe enough risks. You could get killed just jumping in and trying something without thinking it through. She is not convinced. Later, I look at a file from my classes and see notes from a teacher about a series of my dreams or poems. I feel overwhelmed by the fact that this is just one long list of things I could do out of many." }, { "number": "2293", "head": "11/10/92", "content": "Dwight and maybe Jake and I." }, { "number": "2294", "head": "11/13/92", "content": "I am in an apartment that is across a street from a gas station. A man comes over and says that this could be mutually beneficial for me and the man who owns the station. I have something he wants and he has something I want. The man comes over, kind of a geek, and says, \"Oh, by the way, I owe you some money because I helped myself to some tags for hunting and I need to pay you now.\" And I say, \"Oh, really? Well, then you should also pay me interest because you didn't even ask.\" He laughs and tries to weasel out of doing that. Now he and another man and I are walking, still dickering about the money, and he wants to be my honey. He asks and I say no. He then puts his hand/arm around my shoulder and I walk out from under his embrace. That makes him mad. He's kind of like a wealthy black man, only he's white. I go into a closet to find a pretty dress to wear and he is watching jealously." }, { "number": "2295", "head": "11/13/92", "content": "I am watching CNN and it is a hidden camera in Noriego's bedroom. He is laying in bed, on his back, and no covers over him. I am a bit embarrassed and curious and look. I see he is naked and I want to see what his penis looks like. He's kind of flabby and has dark, black, curly pubic hair and a dark-skinned, medium-sized, semi-flaccid penis. He starts to play with it to excite himself and I think, \"How weird. He knows the camera is there.\" I watch, disgusted and fascinated. Then a snake tongue comes out of the tip of the penis and Noriego curls up so he can get that tongue flicking in and out of his mouth. He's almost in the shape of a circle and the flicking tongue, forked, is quite long and active." }, { "number": "2296", "content": "(11/14/92)\"I am driving and there is road work and a detour. I get out of the car and start walking, only I take the wrong way and the men start teasing me by saying loudly, \"Hey what kind of person doesn't read the signs?\" I shrug and turn and get on the right road and see two men walking that way. The road isn't paved yet, they are about to pave it. As I am walking, I realize that I am supposed to get married at 2 o'clock and look at my watch. It is 5 after 2:00. I am late. I had forgotten I was getting married today and I feel embarrassed. I need to find a phone to call. Darn it, now if I do the wedding another day, it will cost more money for more flowers and so on. I sure made a big mistake! I tell the men I need to get there because I'm getting married. I tell Lucy, who I don't actually see. I say, \"What can this be saying, that I forgot I was getting married? Maybe I don't want to get married!\" I find a house and ask to borrow the phone. Is it OK to call information to get the number? They say yes. They ask where it's being held, M City? I say, \"No, more like C City.\" Then I remember, it's E City. I need the diocese, but I can't remember it's name or number." }, { "number": "2297", "head": "11/14/92", "content": "I share a table at a sort of fair-like thing with this tall, arrogant man, like the harmonic man of E City celebration. I don't sell anything. I just hang out." }, { "number": "2298", "head": "11/16/92", "content": "I am in an audience watching the Tuesday rehearsal of the classic Star Trek and Captain Kirk is doing badly. He is high on something and forgetting his lines and not being at his best. I am disappointed because I really like him. Meanwhile a fat, tall older man, a chicken farmer grandpa, likes me and is making advances. I think, \"Why is it that the ones I want are flawed and I don't want the ones that want me?\" I get up to leave. I am a younger, virginal woman from a foreign country, maybe India. Kirk follows me and he wants to make love, but that is against the mores of my country. Why should I give up something valuable for this man? I am walking and I see a pond or large fountain. It is raining torrentially on the pond and on my van, which is parked by it with the doors open. I wonder if the interior of the van will be ruined, but somehow it's OK because this rain seems so special and intense and beautiful. I am enthralled by it. Another man comes up to me and wants me to walk in the rain with him, and join the line of people wading in the pond near the edge. I choose not to, even though it has a strong pull on me to abandon myself to the feeling. I go on and Kirk still follows. He wants to kiss me and is flirting and he's now in a cardboard box, a long narrow one, and I decide to give in to him. I pull him out of the box and into my arms and we kiss. I have risked all my values and respect. He then laughs and goes on. He is shallow and is no longer interested in me. I feel betrayed." }, { "number": "2299", "head": "11/18/92", "content": "I am visiting in Dover and meet a large woman who is a comedian and runs a restaurant in her home. I'm with Ginny. I want to tell this woman that I am a comedian too, but feel hesitant and shy. Finally I open my back pack, which has two zipper panels, to get my tapes to share with her. I see food in there, eggs, sandwiches, etc., that we had packed for the day. I hope the tapes aren't getting ruined. I tell her that the one tape is my comedy character, Evangeline, and the other one is my poetry, just plain poetry. I see that the picture on that tape is me in my wedding dress. All I see is the veil as my back is turned. She takes the tapes and thanks me. I haven't the courage to tell her I'm selling them and feel badly I let her have them without any money, but it's OK sort of because its networking. Later she gives me two tapes of her material and we're even. We are in her living room where a small group of people are having dinner at the one table of her restaurant. Now a CP man in a chair grabs my hand and wants me to run along side him. Off we go and I'm yelling angrily, \"I can only do this with skates.\" Over and over I yell that, but he doesn't get it and drags me along. Finally I get him to stop and I angrily ask him why didn't he listen to me. I know I didn't exactly yell stop! but anyone with a brain could tell that's what I'm saying." }, { "number": "2300", "head": "11/18/92", "content": "I am seated at a round table with other people and we are being guarded by alien beings (sort of reptilian). They are feeding us to fatten us up to eat us later. I realize this and pass my food on to the others so I won't get fat. I hope they don't notice. I watch them carefully, feeling fear because I know at some point I shall have to make a stand and will probably be killed. At one point I am somehow flying up the outside wall and peeking inside a window where two aliens are going to make love. As they do, I overhear one saying in horror, \"You have a white cross mark on your hand.\" This means that their blood will kill him if he contacts it. I then know how I can save myself. Now I am back at the table and I try to set up a fight between aliens so their bad blood will kill themselves off. I hope I'm not killed in the process. [BL]" }, { "number": "2301", "head": "11/20/92", "content": "I have to do the next round in the comedy challenge and I can't decide if I should do the routine I did before or do a new one. I feel very nervous. There are a series of places I must go in sequence to do the routine. The first one is in a living room late at night. I keep getting distracted and now it's time to do the routine and I don't remember all the old routine. I sure wish I'd practiced more. I start to talk, saying anything that comes to mind and some of the jokes are funny. I tell them I had dreamed a joke and naturally wrote it down. It was very funny, but when I woke up I looked at what I had written. It said, \"Frackel ummm orange.\" Everyone thought that was very funny and laughed. Then a man starts talking to me, sort of interviewing me, and I spend the rest of the routine time talking with him in front of the small group of audience members. I hope it counts. After it all, I must rest before going on to the next round and lay down on a sofa bed (hideaway bed). The man who is attracted to me lies down beside me in spoon fashion. He is hesitant, but he wants to and I pretend to be asleep, even though I enjoy him being near. Then he reaches over and kisses me sweetly. I do not respond, pretending to sleep and enjoy the kiss. He says, \"Please don't tell my wife I did this.\"" }, { "number": "2302", "head": "11/21/92", "content": "I am in some sort of soap opera. The man is black and I am white, so the producers had him \"married\" to a black woman, but he comes to me and says, \"It's you I really love,\" and embraces me. He kisses my throat open-mouthed like a bite, only it's a delicious kiss and I love it and respond warmly to his advances. We agree that it doesn't matter if he's black and I'm white. We love each other." }, { "number": "2303", "head": "11/21/92", "content": "Dovre is choosing some miniature furniture from my collection. She has to return home and I am going to drive her to the airport in the next small town, but she says she prefers to go farther to the Hartford airport because she wants to hang out in the big city for a while. I am annoyed. I don't want to take that kind of time and energy. Then I feel guilty because a good mother would do this happily for her child. I am being selfish. [BL]" }, { "number": "2304", "head": "11/23/92", "content": "I am at a garage sale with Howard, looking around. I find a miniature Japanese bookshelf and say, \"I want this.\" I also say, \"This isn't the right period, but I like it anyway.\" It has bamboo sliding panels over the bookshelves. Then I find a wallet and I open it and it has many interesting and roomy pockets with zippers. The zippers are fairly easy to work and I am surprised at all the room in the little compartments. Then I wonder how I would fold it back up into a wallet when I fill all those compartments. I find a red small purse with another wallet in it and want it. It is $9.95, and even though this is a high price, I decide to get it as well as the other." }, { "number": "2305", "head": "11/25/92", "content": "I am staying in a nice old house and wish I could still live there in the summer. I go into a bedroom and sit on the bed. I notice a fine mist of rain in the room and see drops of water leaking out of the light bulb socket on the ceiling. Well, this needs to get fixed! I watch as the light bulb itself expands and contracts like a drop of water about to drip. Then I look over to my right and see a display hanging from the ceiling. It is some books, one of which is entitled \"Rage,\" a picture of a very unhappy child's face and a camera. I don't want that there. I realize it's the same book I have at home. I think it away, and it disappears. The next morning I get up and look out the window and see a huge \"moon,\" only it's really earth, blue with clouds and I say, \"My God, where's my camera?\" I look up at the ceiling and the display thing is gone and so is my camera. I look around at the night stand to the left of the bed and try to plug something in with an orange extension cord and plug. No camera. I go back to the right of the bed and see my camera there with five or six children's books piled neatly on top of it, including the one called \"Rage.\" I am amazed and wonder how this all happened. My mother is there and I tell her of my experience, wondering if this is a wise move. Will she ridicule me or not believe me? I look out another window and see \"Benjie\" dog floating large in the sky like the earth was and want a picture of that. My mother is now on a balcony outside the window and the dog comes up close to sniff and play. I open a door. We are on the second floor, but the door goes to nothing. I hope I don't fall. I try to take a picture of this extraordinary dog floating so huge in the sky." }, { "number": "2306", "head": "11/25/92", "content": "I am driving a motorcycle \"car\" with two seats. It's sort of a race. I must stop for gas very often, like every ten feet or so, and I keep forgetting to turn the engine back on. Then I spin my wheels, wasting the gas. A dark-haired young woman in an emerald green outfit is racing me. She is behind me and never smiles. She'd ask me when I stop for gas and then I'd pass her on the road. The road is curvy like a curved staircase. A young man (maybe Dwight) is in the passenger seat. I think I wear the old-fashioned motorcycle hat with flaps over the ears, made of leather. [BL]" }, { "number": "2307", "head": "11/26/92", "content": "I am walking at the head of a group of people and we are looking at traffic to see when we can get back on the road. One woman reaches past me to kiss her man. I move aside so they can be together and the next thing I know, there are two couples in front and I am alone in back. I follow them from now on. We are now traveling and the road is now a hallway in a high-rise building. It's a boring, repetitious path around and around this square, uphill path." }, { "number": "2308", "head": "11/26/92", "content": "I see a dog who is very enthusiastic and eager to do his job. He is asked to sniff out where the woman is who is going to give them her baby. I follow the dog as he lunges, sniffing, through a thick crowd of people. It is nearly impossible to get through, it is so dense, but somehow the dog manages to worm his way through. A path opens for him and tightly closes as he passes. He finds a woman seated in a corner holding her baby girl. She sees the dog and says sadly, \"You found me.\" She doesn't want to give up the baby. She had already given up the sister of this baby to these same people, but she resignedly goes with the dog back to the people and gives up the baby. Now I am seated on a couch and watch as a woman comes in and is told, surprise, she's going to get married. She wears a strapless dress, black, like my \"kidnapped in Mexico\" dress. Out of a closet pops a silly hip minister, a boy and maybe the dog. He will perform the ceremony." }, { "number": "2309", "head": "11/27/92", "content": "I am in a room and I am the \"affianced\" wife of Dr. Abrams. People think I am ordinary-looking and so do I, but I am supposed to be quite beautiful to be the \"affianced\" wife of Dr. Abrams. When I am announced, I am kind of surprised and think, \"But I don't want it to be Dr. Abrams.\" Later I enter an elevator-like room and see what looks like a dead dog, small, cute and furry, but dead. \"Ugh,\" I think, \"I don't want to be in here with a dead dog.\" Then the elevator closes and I push the #3 button, but the elevator is very slow and goes to the basement first. The dog is now very much alive and is fiercely trying to eat my foot or bite my ankle. I must try to stave it off and pick up a \"stick\" or rectangular long, skinny piece of wood to force it back. It is a hard fight and it nearly gets me, over and over. The ride is slow and takes forever." }, { "number": "2310", "head": "12/02/92", "content": "I am walking down the street and I see Marilyn. She has seen a display for candies, popcorn and pinwheels. She calls me over. She says, \"What fun! I want one of these.\" I look them over and say, \"Well, I'm going on to the meeting. See you there.\" I feel a little bad leaving her there alone because she was obviously inviting me to have this fun with her. I go on and start to go in a restaurant door and see I'm going into the bar side and go on to the next door and enter. I see my group several tables deep and ask one man to move a moment so I can get past him. He looks annoyed and doesn't want to move. So I say, \"OK,\" and go around the other way. Now I am going into the house where the meeting is and I am greeted by Carleen with a face mask of a grandmother. I laugh. Another woman enters with a mask and costume on. I say, \"Oh, no one told me this was a theme and we needed to bring masks.\" More enter. They all have stylized faces (like in dance in movie Victor/Victoria. I go into living room. Carleen says, Just put your dessert there.\" I feel badly because I didn't bring anything. I go on in and see some old easy chairs and grab one and start to scoot it closer to another woman who is scooting hers closer to me. We laugh and scoot back and forth. Then I notice my thumbnail on my right hand has like a fungus on it. I look underneath and it is like the sworls in an animal pad (foot) or like a big fungus that is on old dead trees. I start to peel it off. It's like bread crust on the heel of bread and squishy. I get it off; it is quite large. I put it in a plastic bag. It is kind of gross. A girl comes up, maybe 10 years old. There is some game getting ready to be played. I get up and go into the kitchen. I want to take my clothes off, maybe adjust my bra. I am headed for a back bedroom through the kitchen and get my top off before I get there. Leroy (my cousin) is in the kitchen doing dishes and he sees and smiles. I hold my top over my breasts and try to hurry through the door. I can't get it open and Leroy asks me to help do the dishes. I don't want to, but feel guilty; again, I'm not helping out." }, { "number": "2311", "head": "12/05/92", "content": "I am in some man's bed and I'm reading his sex book, looking at pictures of a step-by-step sexual encounter. I see him hugging the woman from behind and I see the vulva from the perspective of looking at from the outside, like a doctor would see or a lover. I feel sexual excitement with all these pictures. [BL]" }, { "number": "2312", "head": "12/07/92", "content": "I have chosen a big fat book from the library about World War I. As it happens, WWI is happening and I must pack my things and move on. Robert Mitchum comes by and I tell him I will go west, and not east, because east is a false road and dangerous. He agrees. He and I have an innocent strong sense of love. We hug and kiss, and feel very connected with a sweet love. He asks me which things I'll take and I say all of them. I ask him to be tolerant and not laugh. I do take out some of the gem rocks and fossils so the load will be lighter for him and me. I have a blue backpack and a box. I decide to return the big fat book and get a smaller one. He says, \"You don't have to do that,\" but I insist. It will make it easier for us. We need the information but it can be in a more compact form. We walk arm in arm to the library to do the exchange before we hit the road to do battle." }, { "number": "2313", "head": "12/08/92", "content": "I am sort of at Grandma Mildred's house. I am changing clothes and putting on the old outfit I wore many years ago, the reddish jeans, tight and sexy, and a reddish turtleneck. I have a long, flowing lacey slip on and have some trouble keeping it out of the jeans. I take the slip off. Jake is in the other room and is wearing a bright blue shirt and is looking much better, happier. I realize that he and Valerie are getting back together. I go on to the dining room and Valerie is there and she is pregnant. Her breasts are large and fulsome and she is dressed very pretty in a brightly colored peach dress. I am glad they are back together and wonder if it will work. Probably it will because she is pregnant again." }, { "number": "2314", "head": "12/08/92", "content": "I am showing a young woman how to take control of her life. I am steering a long, skinny boat through difficult waters, that happen to be sort of in a house, as I steer around furniture and stairs and things. I'm pretty good at it. I stand in the front and pole the boat through. Later I am going to wash myself and decide to use the sink, not the bathtub, and lather up my hands and arms and under my pits and realize this is a very effective way to get clean. I look in the mirror and see a man's face. He's a bit plump, white with reddish curly hair. I am surprised. The mirror is mostly steamed up and I scrunch down to see myself more clearly in a clear piece of mirror. Then I see some clothes have fallen in the sink. I get them out, but they are soaked: a black full skirt, a teal blue blouse, etc. Before all this, I was getting up to go to a meeting and realized the time had changed an hour but we hadn't set the clocks, so I was probably late for the meeting. I look at different clocks and ask a woman if she knows if we change them forward or backward. She didn't know. Then later, I am walking toward a house. I am successful and someone, a young woman, asks if I would ever marry. I laugh. \"Why should I?\" Jerome is walking by me and is very attracted, as I am independent, powerful and good at what I do. I am walking with another man he knows, and he uses that as an excuse to walk with us. He is attracted to me." }, { "number": "2315", "head": "12/09/92", "content": "I am in a room that is lovely and spacious, an old-fashioned fraternity kind of room, windows, etc., but the entire room is cluttered with glassware, red glasses, dishes, etc. It is very pretty, but there is not much room to just be. I am in a bed with a woman roommate. I am smoking two very long cigarettes. I hold one and smoke the other and then switch. I have trouble keeping them from falling in the bed and starting a fire. The cigarettes are slim, long and silver in color. It's time to get up. I go on out and now I am with two men in a sort of room. They are my roommates, but they are sort of strangers. We're in this \"room\" until our regular room is ready. Finally it is ready, room 406. The man goes ahead. He asks if I need help walking or carrying my things. I say no. He goes around the corner and now I am alone and wondering why I didn't say yes, I could use help. I ask directions of the room and see a tall four-story building of hotel rooms and they point to the 4th floor. I start walking. Somewhere in there, I call a lawyer, or threaten to call a lawyer." }, { "number": "2316", "head": "12/10/92", "content": "Rochelle and I (both walking) are investigating a man who publicly displays his full, erect penis. He calls it public cocking. Rochelle goes into the garage room of his house where orgy stuff is going on. I hang out outside, not really wanting to see. He's quite proud of his abilities. I look and see a large, erect penis. I see a wood pile with what looks like a carcass of a deer, but part human laying on it, no skin, and from the waist down only muscle showing." }, { "number": "2317", "head": "12/10/92", "content": "I'm in a car, in the front seat, and talking with a cousin. We like each other and are laughing. I see a short cousin who I don't like coming toward the car. He wants to kiss me. He gets in the driver's side. I am in the middle and he tries to grab me and kiss me. I \"playfully\" say \"ugh\" and make jokes and squirm away. He really is annoyed at me and wants to connect. He's jealous of the sweet camaraderie with my other cousin. With the kissing cousin is another man I don't like who is building a square wooden box in the front seat in the driver's side and he's making rude remarks and leering. Later, I get out and go to where the short cousin is now seated on a couch. The cousin is tow headed and holds in his lap two sweet tow headed children, obviously his. I smile at the children because they are so cute and reluctantly smile at the cousin because he's being sweet and fatherly to them. He goes to put them down for their nap. The cousin hopes this has impressed me and I want to move away from him. Dovre is around. We are going somewhere. Dora is there somewhere. Maybe we are going shopping." }, { "number": "2318", "head": "12/11/92", "content": "Jake is driving. We are in the M City back roads area and probably going to his house. He's all locked in and driving fast and I say, \"Hey, come on. If you want to commit suicide go ahead, but don't take us with you.\" He gets mad at me and yells, \"Leave me alone. I just don't want to talk about it.\" He's very angry and teary. I feel very touched by his pain. I try to be honest and share that it's been years since I've been in relationship. No one wants me. Maybe I'm ugly, or too hard to live with or maybe it's the disability, I don't know, but it's lonely. I empathize with his feelings right now. We have a heart-to-heart talk. It is intense and I'm touched by his powerful pain and loneliness." }, { "number": "2319", "head": "12/11/92", "content": "I had managed to send up my own space ship five days ago, and Lucy and maybe Merle were in it. I am excited and anxious for them to return so I can find out how the adventure went. Maybe they will land today or tomorrow. I feel proud of my accomplishment. I'm kind of sorry I didn't go and excited about when and if they return. I hope I didn't send them to a doomed ending." }, { "number": "2320", "head": "12/12/92", "content": "I am in a group of people and I want them to read my play, the new one I just wrote, something about sex and men and women and how they relate. They start reading it and I walk around listening and noticing that no one really listens or understands my unusual scene breaks. Finally, the man stops reading but the play is only half done and I ask him to continue reading. He says, \"Naw, it's boring and besides someone said this must have been written by a fat old woman, because it puts down men and sex.\" I try to convince him to read the rest because then it will all balance out and they will see, but he won't. I walk over to where Sherry Lady is seated and try to talk with her. No dice." }, { "number": "2321", "head": "12/14/92", "content": "I am upset because sometime today I am supposed to be in a play but I can't remember when and where, so I call Blake to find out, but he's out of the office. I try to tell the secretary, but I can't even remember the name of the play, much less my lines. I feel some anxiety about my unpreparedness. A man then shows up and it's sort of Blake. The play has been postponed and I am very relieved. Now I see Merle is doing his comedy routine in front of a crowd in a bar and I go in to watch. All the people are crowded into one half of the room, on the side we're on. The other half is empty. I come up close to Merle, near the side of his wheelchair, and suddenly his fairly normal arm and hand reach down and grab my foot and tickle it. I hate being tickled and I squirm and yell, \"Stop it! Stop it!\" I am angry at him and he laughs and says, \"At least you can feel it.\" I say, \"No, that's not a good thing! It's worse than pain.\" Later, Charla and I go to a bar where I will perform. I go to find a place to sit and three women crowd around me. One is demanding to know what my disability is. She's very curious. I say, \"Wait a minute. Go sit there and I'll answer these other women's questions and then I'll answer yours.\" She goes and sits. Meanwhile a Blake-type person is flirting with me and I am pleased he's sitting near me, behind where I'm sitting. He had asked me some pathetic question about my disability and I had impressed him by saying I was the performer here. I answer the old woman's question. I advise her to get a medical dictionary and refer to it. She's not to happy with this general answer, but leaves. I need to go to the bathroom, so I go to find it, saying, \"I hope I don't find some sleazy guys here.\" I see a door and realize it's the men's room. I joke that I'd really find some sleazy ones there. I find the women's room and peek in. It's filthy. There are men in there too as well as women. I decide I'll wait and try to get back to my seat. The place is crummy and scary now and there is a boss that will try to cheat me. I just want to get out without getting Charla or myself hurt. The man, Blake, has moved and I feel sad, but realize he moved to get a better place to watch me. I decide to leave and go back where the man who pays me is, near the filthy restrooms. He counts out 57 dollars, a pathetic amount and an obvious cheat. To his surprise, I grin and say, \"Thank you.\" I'm just pretending to be happy so I can get out alive and then call the police and tell on them. I get out and Blake is there and he decides he needs to go to the bathroom. He gets in line and for reasons I don't recall, I decide to go back and go to the bathroom in the sleazy place. I get there and the man at the counter decides to return Charla and my things (coats and things). I am surprised. He tosses them to me one at a time. The last one is my jacket which has an American flag part sewn on the front right side (left as I look at it). I squeal and say, \"Oh, darn.\" He asks what the problem is. I look again and it is gone. I say, \"I thought I saw an American flag sewn on my jacket, but I was wrong.\"" }, { "number": "2322", "head": "12/15/92", "content": "I'm in a room with a good-looking Rock Hudson like man. He's sort of a guest. I leave him sitting on a chair as I go to find the swim pool. I want to swim, but I see it is empty. The men are working on some power lines or water lines and have turned the water off temporarily, all except the ocean, of course. It is lapping up to the edge of the pool. I see the square metal cage-like thing where the men are working in the shallows of the ocean. Later the water is back in the pool and I think of swimming then, but remember the water needs to stand for awhile to let the bacteria or something leave. Bonnie is there somewhere. I return to my guest. I see a book and start explaining to him that this lists all the different auto dealers and their employees. \"For example,\" I say, \"suppose you have a Chevrolet and want to call them to fix your car.\" I open to that page. I see lists of names. I point to a small list, the first one on the page and say, \"...If you want to call an exec, you look him up on this page, but you wouldn't want an exec fixing your Chevy, so look up the mechanics.\" I see the name Chris D. and ask Jock's daughter if it is any relative to her. Then I say, \"Of course not, with the name D., your name is S.\" I have some errands to run and comment that I saw the interest rate at the bank was lower. He is hurt that I went to the bank and didn't even ask if he could go along. I say, \"Well, we can go tomorrow if you like.\" Then I look at my appointment book. I see I am going to have my car tuned, and the mechanic is named Chris D. What a coincidence. I also have a swim down in the book." }, { "number": "2323", "head": "12/15/92", "content": "I am standing on a very rickety old stage and must be careful not to stand on any of the rotten spots or it could cave in and I'd fall through. I have a mike and am explaining this to the audience. Alexander is in the audience. I joke that one doesn't know what kind of horrible rotten stuff is accumulated down there. Jerome is in the audience." }, { "number": "2324", "head": "12/17/92", "content": "I am a fast runner and live in a communist country. I am a young boy. I must get on a truck that is crossing the border to freedom. Everyone is getting on the truck. I am one of the last ones and as I try to crawl up the railed sides, the guard says it's too late, no more room. He won't let me on. I plead, hanging on and at the last second force myself on as the truck speeds off. He was going to toss me off the truck, but doesn't, now that it is moving. I clutch my $7.00 in my right hand. It is all I own." }, { "number": "2325", "head": "12/17/92", "content": "I see a small baby boy with a huge penis and huge scrotum. I try to diaper him and am afraid I'll hurt him trying to squish all that stuff into a diaper. I am amazed at the size of it all." }, { "number": "2326", "head": "12/18/92", "content": "I am in a room with C. dept. people like Judith and Dylan. They are like the Merton Circle. It's my sort of living room. There is a cat, and a Charla like small girl. Later there are two men who are aggressive and pushing us around. A Jerome-type man is from the military and he picks one of the men up easily and holds him up so his feet are off the floor. This makes the men realize what strength and expertise he has. I had been feeling strong anger at them, but now feel safer because Jerome will protect me, but then as I stand next to Jerome and he stands watching, the two men go to a phone and call for reinforcements. Now we're really in trouble. We don't do anything about it but watch. The feeling of anger is very strong." }, { "number": "2327", "head": "12/22/92", "content": "I own a hotel, and a prince and his family want to buy it. He comes in and looks kind of silly in a red, ornate uniform with his hair messed up. He is also selling vacuum cleaners and he demonstrates one for me. He tries to vacuum up green cat shit and fur balls. I am disgusted at that stuff being on my floor and vaguely think of Ellie. The gunk clogs up the vacuum. I decide to buy some of his vacuums because it's cheaper to do that than sell the hotel. I go on to another room. The royal family will join us for a lunch. There is a square table with four panels that make the table longer. They fold in and out. I need to go to the bathroom. I go down the hall even though I know there is a bathroom off the room I was in, but I don't want to use that one, perhaps because it's closer to where people are, perhaps my mother." }, { "number": "2328", "head": "12/22/92", "content": "Another woman and myself are standing up beside a seated man. I hold a paper and the two of us are reciting a long list of rhyming things with lots of numbers on them to the man. The woman on my right knows them by heart and I sort of know them but mumble along, looking at the paper often. One line is that some people did not believe us that they thought we had sold them a bill of goods with the Tenemen square, one long yard (the whole nine yards). We looked at the word Tenemen to double check. Yes, it was the right word." }, { "number": "2329", "head": "12/23/92", "content": "I have a little table top desk thing that I use to paint and so on and it is wobbly. I ask this British man if he could fix it. He happily says he can. He fixes it as I ask him questions like where in England did he live. He said he lived in boarding schools. I say, \"I'm sorry. That must have been hard for you, lonely.\" He smiles and agrees. Now that it's fixed, I decide to paint a picture. I wonder what picture to do. He smiles and says, \"Why not a picture of me in a wedding, my wedding?\" I laugh derisively and say, \"HAA! Never. But I'll do one of you in a wedding.\" He wants it to be a picture of the two of us at our wedding. He likes me. He says his name is Ringo and I think that rhymes with Bingo, my name." }, { "number": "2330", "head": "12/23/92", "content": "I am in bed, lying down because I have a slight cold and I'm tired. I'd been working, paper work or learning French and had suddenly run out of energy. I'm laying on my tummy. Dan comes by. I am glad to see him but the timing isn't all that good. I get up and we go into the next room, a sort of living room (maybe a hotel). He's sympathetic and wants me to get well. Now I'm standing in front of a window and the devil himself comes to me through the window and bites and holds my right arm as I hold it straight out to the side. I am paralyzed with disgust, but I realize I must go through this to be better. It feels like something horrible, partly sexual, is possessing me and I stoically stand there and endure it. Finally, it is enough and I fall back on the floor, on my back. The devil is gone and I am relieved." }, { "number": "2331", "head": "12/23/92", "content": "I am at a conference, looking for my NLP group. I peek into a side room, one step up and ask a man if this is the group (maybe dream group). He says no, they are in the main room. I look for them. I find some computers that belong to some other organization, a commercial something, and I decide to use their computer to write up my dreams. I do that, feeling a little guilty and hope they don't catch me. I get a little greedy and want to print out the stuff I typed in, or all that work would go to waste since I'd have to go home and type them in again. So I try to print it out and I see it is spitting out envelopes with small portions of the dreams on each envelope. What a waste of paper. So I stop the operation and look at all the buttons trying to get the printer to use the paper instead of the envelopes. There are lots of buttons. Nothing seems to work. It's 10 to 5:00 and I have an hour's drive home and I have to be there by 7:00 for the women's Merton's meeting at my house. I feel rushed and yet stubborn, yet I keep trying. Finally I ask two Asian students (one male, one female) if they can help. She tries to help, but doesn't know much! She does point out the tractor buttons on the side and I push the holes of the paper over the buttons. It still doesn't work. I ask a general question to aid the students, \"Can anyone help me work this?\" A man offers to help. He says I'm trying to print on the wrong layer of paper. It should be the paper on the bottom. I try it and it starts printing. We walk away and he likes a book I have in my hand and wants it in exchange for his help. I am annoyed. I just got that book at a used book store. It's about education and parenting children. I don't want to give up, the book and don't really want to pay him." }, { "number": "2332", "head": "12/25/92", "content": "I come home to my apartment after being gone a week (perhaps Xmas at M City.) Dovre is there. I see the place is a mess. I need to find something and can't, too much stuff to look through. I then see a huge turkey on the kitchen counter. It is bubbling with toxic bacteria because it was left out all week and uncooked. What a waste. I tell Ellie to throw it out. I am annoyed with her for leaving it out. I ask what this huge boxed set of food stuff is from. She says it's from _____. I start looking at what's in it. There are some interesting things I might like." }, { "number": "2333", "head": "12/26/92", "content": "I am trying to help a small boy who has a severed artery in the crook of his right arm. I hold it, hoping to stop the bleeding. We are walking and nearing an old abandoned trailer house where nurses work. I'm going to stop in and let them help, but we pass and now it's my arm and I lift the bandage and see the number 1112 in red. The number is the pin pricks of the needle (where the needle went in to draw blood) and the red is the blood starting to well up again. I think the bleeding is nearly done, so I don't stop by at the trailer house." }, { "number": "2334", "head": "12/26/92", "content": "I am a young boy and I see the bad man who wants to steal the statues of a god and a goddess. The statues are very special. They come alive. I hide them up a tree, like figurines, and hope he doesn't see them. We almost make it, but they start moving and open their eyes and so he sees them. He puts them in a truck or the trunk of a car. They slither out, moving across the ground and yet still frozen in their stature forms. I hide them in a house and the bad men are all over searching." }, { "number": "2335", "head": "12/26/92", "content": "I am the wife of a Frank Sinatra man, rich and uncaring. He has a mistress and he's getting ready to go play golf with her. I am standing upstairs in our mansion looking out the large and spacious windows to see where he'll go because then I can go off and have my affair with this man. I decide to foul up his affair and go out and say, \"Where are you going?\" He has to lie and I feel pleased with myself. I point out that he leaves muddy tracks on the carpet. I then go to his young mistress and invite her to come with me to watch a boxing match. She agrees, not knowing what else to do and follows me. I go into an older house and start to walk upstairs. She is me now. She points out my own feet make smaller muddy tracks on the carpet. I show her two choices, a sharp metal pointy thing or a less dangerous one. I want us to see \"real\" boxing where men hurt each other for real and there is blood. She doesn't want to see that at this." }, { "number": "2336", "head": "12/27/92", "content": "I am in a cafeteria of a school. You have to purchase the meal all together. I say, \"But I don't want all of it. I only want two pieces of bacon.\" The man at the cash register is annoyed with me. I say, \"I think you should only pay for the part you eat.\" He is adamant. I refuse to comply. My way makes more sense. I decide to leave and go to the movies. I am talking to Merle. He has seen the movie. He liked it. A man who might be gay says I will love the hero. He is very feminine (like he is saying \"a hunk\" or beautiful)." }, { "number": "2337", "head": "12/27/92", "content": "An older man lets me come live in his home. I am a young woman and my child is Charla. We move in and he shows me the rooms. I feel like a visitor. He sits on the couch and I lay down with my head on his lap. He is kind, but I feel on guard. I get up and he says this is the room. I look around. I am thinking that his wife liked it like this and I must not say what I really feel about it, because it will offend him or hurt his feelings. He asks me what I think about the furnishings and this huge painting he has. I look at the gold, old couch and the garish huge painting. I pause, thinking that his wife must have had meaning for each thing, because the interior design wasn't following a school of thought I could see. I look at the painting. I say, \"I don't like it. It's ugly.\" He smiles happily. It was a test and I passed. Now he goes outside. I call for Charla. She comes down the stairs and there is a small baby there too, maybe a year and a half old. I go outside to see where the old man is. He is seated, resting in his back yard as a woman and a man are riding mowers and cutting the rich, full, green grass. When he sees me, he hurriedly gets up and gets on a rider mower too and helps cut the grass. I let the baby and Charla play in the yard as I look around. I see that it's a large, square yard that ends abruptly on the left side at a hedge. The left side is just a thin strip of lawn. Beyond the yard is a dry and brown landscape, obviously without care or water, somewhat like M City. I notice the contrast between the lush yard and the surrounding landscape. Then I look for Charla and see her in a tree eating something. I get concerned. I call her to me and demand to know what's in her mouth. I see a long, thin thing like are on oak or some kind of tree that may grow nuts. I want her to open her mouth and she stubbornly refuses. I pry her mouth open and find, instead of the horse chestnut things, a bunch of small plastic packages that sewing things come in. I pull them out saying, \"You could swallow these things and get sick. Don't put these in your mouth.\" I take them back to the porch where a box is that the sewing things belong in. I replace them, hoping the old man doesn't notice. He comes up and sees, but is not concerned." }, { "number": "2338", "head": "12/28/92", "content": "I am riding a bicycle with a man. We each have our own bikes. We are mountain biking in the wilderness. With fairly good ease, we are biking up steep hills, covered with trees and underbrush. As we near the top, he laughs and says we can take the easy way. A rough gravelly road is there. We get on it and reach the top. Here we see a TV monitor and it indicates a hard hat area. This means there is construction going on and we peer over the edge and look down into a mountainous valley to see men building and clearing. We see terraces being cleared. This is a terrible use of the wilderness environment. A group of people come up near us to sing protest songs, songs of protestations. It's like a church choir. Rochelle decides to join them. She says with confidence that she will have taken over by the end of the song. She joins the bass section. I listen and sing along from my position near the edge where I can see the men working. I then decide to join with the choir. I go over and see the people are standing on a rock platform and I can't see how to get up there to be with them. So I decide to stand near them in front, dead center, I notice wryly. I then scoot over to the side. Rochelle does her power thing and takes over the bass section as she said she would. Then we go back to the same position near the edge. They are having a meeting. Rochelle and I are strategizing. We decide we can't win the whole battle and get them to stop construction, so we try to suggest they make their places wheelchair accessible. We even are conciliatory there and say, \"OK, not the whole place, but at least ramps instead of stairs.\" Lucy joins us; she is angry and yelling and we try to shush her so she won't spoil the work we've already accomplished. Now we try to get her to get in the cart. I'm in the back seat behind the driver's side and I call her to me. She is being an ingenue and not paying attention to the whole picture." }, { "number": "2339", "head": "12/28/92", "content": "I am trying to get a hotel room and being demanding. I'm not getting my way. Now I see a scrooge with alien-like eyes and he's really self-centered. Derwood Kirby lost his job at the factory and Scrooge says, \"Well then, you can choose any thing you want from my things.\" Derwood is touched and chooses his favorite. Scrooge says, \"Good, I'll be happy to give it to you at 1 percent off the normal price.\" Derwood leaves in disgust at the insensitivity of Scrooge. Later, I see me on an English cable TV show. I am wearing my half glasses and doing Evangeline faces. I have fat wrinkles under my chin. I look old. I keep swiveling my head back and forth like I'm on a couch between two people and trying to give eye contact with them both as I brightly talk on in my interview. Then I do a Evangeline shtick and am funny." }, { "number": "2340", "head": "12/29/92", "content": "I dream something that I interpret means I must kill the mother inside me (the negative mother). Then I dream something about that not being right. I must let the negative mother die. That is better. Then I am an older woman who calls my family together to announce that I am running for the Senate. The president of the United States called me and asked me to serve. The women in the family are happy. My husband and son or son-in-law are unhappy, especially when I answer the question of how much will I earn. The answer is $60,000. This is more than my husband makes. I hope he will be able to handle this." }, { "number": "2341", "head": "01/01/93", "content": "I am in danger. There are aliens and we must run. A woman says, Synchronize your watches.\" I see mine is set now for 10 of 1:00. We take a deep breath and start walking briskly down the sidewalk. Now we must do what is called chaining. There are fringes of styrofoam-like curls like packing material on our ankles and when we come to a doorway or checking area, we must give up one chain. The door was coming frequently (like taxing booths), the paths are branching out and soon we will lose all our chains and then God knows what will happen to us. I think I carry a child or two in my arms. We are like fleeing Jews. [BL]" }, { "number": "2342", "head": "01/01/93", "content": "I am having a bowel movement, after being constipated for a while. I squat over a hibachi thing next to the toilet and push. A hard piece comes out. It falls and gets on the carpet. Some more follow and now I have to pick them up and put them in the toilet. Charla comes by, eating a roll, and she thinks this will be fun and picks up some of the round balls of shit to help me. I say, \"Oh no! put that down. Don't touch the roll now. Go wash your hands and don't put them in your mouth.\" I get up to walk her to a place she can wash her hands when the toilet starts acting strange like it's going to overflow. We back away. It disgorges lots of shit and water noisily like an agitated washing machine gone mad. I go grab a telephone, but the line is dead, so I go out into the hall down to the next classroom and say to some people working in there, \"The toilet is overflowing, and the telephone doesn't work. This is an emergency.\" Several of the men come following me back to where the toilet is. Joe K from the community college is right behind me. I say, \"There it is,\" only it's perfectly quiet now, but it has moved to another spot. How can it do that? I say, \"Look out, there's lots of shit around.\" He laughs and says, \"There sure is!\" \"It stinks,\" I say. He agrees cheerfully. He then decides to flush it to see if it still does it. It rumbles and we back away and soon muddy brown water is being thrown out. More stinky shit! Now I'm backed to the entrance door and Tyler and others join us. I say, \"What a metaphor! I can throw a lot of shit and it won't hurt, just stink! and the phone doesn't work either.\" Tyler and I smile at the wonderful metaphors." }, { "number": "2343", "head": "01/01/93", "content": "I am kneeling on the floor where there is a terrible mess of cheese pieces and slices all over and paper and stuff. The kid that made the mess refuses to clean it up so I, in exasperation, decide to do it. The door opens and Andrea comes in and says, \"I've had a very bad day, but I am managing and everything will be all right.\" She looks down at me and sees I've had an equally bad day. I gather up the stuff and carry it into the kitchen. We and other women are talking about a trip of some kind, packing for it and suddenly it's time to go. I encourage a woman to go spontaneously without taking anything, leaving the book behind. She hesitates and then does. It is freeing, and scary. I am now walking down a flight of stairs, perhaps carpeted, and telling someone, perhaps Ellie, that my mother and Aunt Naomi were the bossy, controlling ones and Millie and Bonnie were the fun-loving, playful ones. Too bad. Ellie lays out a row of objects on the stairs to demonstrate this concept. Now I have no place to step, I am blocked, so she has to move some of them so I have a place to step." }, { "number": "2344", "head": "01/02/93", "content": "I am a counselor and at a school. I am working on a case. I go to the administrator's office and he tells me of a woman student that went crazy, screaming and saying things. I take notes and then interview the boyfriend of the husband. He tells me something and I say, \"Uh huh. I see. That explains it\" (over the phone). I hang up and tell the man that the woman had had a series of tough stresses and when she entered the classroom, the racial slur of the white male student was the straw that broke the camel's back. She snapped. She'll be all right now. He is very impressed with my skills and we start to walk across campus. The boyfriend says, \"I want to tell you what she said.\" I say, \"You cannot. It would be unethical to break confidence with a client. If it were me alone, you could tell, because I'm a professional.\" He really wants to tell, but doesn't. We walk down some curvy stairs. I tell the administrator man of my troubles with the men I work with. They don't accept me. They have some way of deciding who gets space and time and won't let me in on it. I lay tiredly on a round canvas frame where a partial design is rug hooked in. I sigh and say, \"Sometimes I think I'll just jump in and take it.\" Later, the man is sort of Capt. Picard and we have gone off together for a vacation. A woman (me) is cooking or stirring up a special dough. A stick like a wooden hair comb made of twigs is placed in the middle of the dough and the new ingredients can only be poured on the one side. It is an old tradition and is passed on from one to the other (generation, perhaps). He and I are going to have a wonderful time seeing the sunrise and set and swimming and loving." }, { "number": "2345", "head": "01/03/93", "content": "In the first dream there is a Russian and I am an American and he likes me and I like him. We flirt and enjoy each other. Later, there is another man and I want to feel the same way with him, only it isn't working out. It's boring. We are in a car and I want to find some food to eat, like a sack lunch or picnic. I find some stuff between the door and the front seat, but it isn't all that appetizing. I notice a high wind coming and we run for an old dilapidated barn for cover. We get in and there is no way to close an old broken wooden window, no glass. We go to a corner and sit on a hay-strewn bench. I look out and see entire groves of trees being smashed by the force of the wind. Fortunately this is barren country and not much around to be destroyed. I try to feel good about cuddling up with this guy, but it is boring. There is nothing in the barn but us, the wooden bench and some bits of hay." }, { "number": "2346", "head": "01/04/93", "content": "I want to publish my book and some sleazy agent man is going to help me. It's going to cost. Some woman says I spent ____ money on my book and I said, \"By the time we print it, it will cost us about 5 or 6 thousand dollars.\" It's a sort of one-upmanship. Then there is a series of shootings. One man shoots another and two men stand off and fire at each other point blank. I am appalled. One man is my friend. He's laying face down in a pool of blood. A woman cries and wants to help, but is afraid to touch him. I kneel down and inspect the back for a wound. I find none, so I turn him over and see a small bullet hole (22 caliber) near the base of the throat (where a tracheotomy might be). It is bleeding just a little. I am relieved. Then I see a hole near the chest and try to stop the bleeding. He will live." }, { "number": "2347", "head": "01/08/93", "content": "I am at Grandma Mildred's house. They are remodeling. They are going to make a huge bathroom where the second living room was. A white pipe is run up high on the wall and a huge tub is already installed. I say, \"This will be great, now that it's just the two of you, but what if one of you dies and then it will be too big for just one?\" I go into the kitchen. A woman and a man, both young, are passing a small feminine black hat back and forth to one another in a sort of ritualistic way. It is on a long white piece of crochet lace. I encourage them to do this ritual while they talk. The boy/man doesn't want to; he thinks it's silly. The young woman steps outside, perhaps she hears a noise. I follow. We are out in the wild fields now and I see some men, bad men, and they are trying to kill another man. Three of them have him down on his back and are choking him. I realize I am witnessing a murder. I say somewhat mildly, \"You had better let him go because there are witnesses now.\" They hesitate and then let go, but I am worried. They could kill me. I look at them closely so I can remember details to tell the police. I say, \"They are late 20's, early 30s. One man is in a white t-shirt and has a slight pot belly. They are very dangerous.\" They move away to regroup and the woman and I decide we'd better flee. Now we run and they chase and somehow I'm in an underground room with crates and boxes and we run and run. We climb a metal ladder thing attached to a wall and there are things from our car there and I'm trying to take these things with us but I must abandon them One rolls and drops, making a loud sound which gives us away and the men come running. We crawl up into a warehouse room and crawl into a cardboard box and hide. They are searching and are very close. It's almost like we are out in the open, pretending to be covered in the box and hoping they don't see us. As they talk, they seem to be moving closer and closer until it seems inevitable they would stumble on us, but they don't. One man crawls up high and swings across the room on a white rope thing. Now there is a tiny, bald-headed child, a child of one of the men, standing nearby staring at us. He/she sees us and we hold our breath, waiting to be told on. But she doesn't. The father of the child says to her, \"We have to go now, to find those women, but you have to stay here and you better be good.\" It seems cruel and abusive. They leave, going down the ladder we had come up on, shutting and locking the child in this room with us. Then the child comes directly to us and then shows us a huge grain or freight elevator. We get in and ride it down. We see my red car and run for it. The men are chasing us. We get in the car, I have the key and we drive (I drive like hell). They are in a car in hot pursuit. It's dark, the road/trail is dirt and skinny and curvy. I drive fast and furious. They're right on our tail. Then they are in front of us and headed right for us to crash or block us and I swerve and go up a steep embankment, up onto railroad tracks. Very clever, they think. They turn and pursue. Now we are driving down the tracks, hoping a train doesn't come at us and bushes on either side of the road so we couldn't exit if we wanted to. Now we are crossing a train trestle and yep, there's a train coming. We get off the trestle at the other end and down a steep embankment just at the last second and the men don't. They crash in flames. We stop running. Now we are out of the car in the bushes and I see flames, a wild fire. I say to the man, \"Let's get going.\" He says we should stay. I ask, \"Why? The fire is coming it will come here and we'll burn.\" He says, \"We must stay here.\" I want to leave, but I don't want to abandon him. I say, \"What if it does come here?\" He says, \"It won't if this is kept mowed down and the fire will not come here to us.\" It's coming, I can see it. Now I feel real fear because the men are dead and spirits now and that makes them more dangerous. They have stronger powers and are invisible. I want out of there. I say, \"What if it comes anyway?\" He says, \"It's OK, I have poison. I can give you some and we'll die.\" Just then a woman with dark hair, with mime white face and in a white linen business tailored suit, walks elegantly with a dead pan face toward us. Her face is long and angular. I am afraid!!" }, { "number": "2348", "head": "01/08/93", "content": "I am in the passenger side of a car and we stop to see a piece of furniture in a garage sale on the side of the road. It is a wooden display case that has rows of small drawers or boxes that rotate like a display watch case. I am intrigued and think it will be perfect for my small things and jewelry. I see a large price tag on it that says $89. I think I can afford that so we get out to look. The family that is selling it is very excited and bring me lots of accessory things that go with it free of charge, a large, plastic yellow top which I think looks cheap, and so on. I decide to buy it. Now I see a small chocolate Eskimo pie man who is going out to explore the world. He hops along and I sort of follow. He decides to go into a cafe where this man has gone in. A small tiny woman his size comes out and says, \"Oh, you are my size.\" She likes that. He goes on. Inside, he hops into a refrigerated display case, glass, and stands with other stick figure candies. I now go to find the man. I see him settling in at a table and I go sit at the table next to him, pretending I don't see him. He sits down next to me, surprised. He is tall, lanky and dark-haired." }, { "number": "2349", "head": "01/08/93", "content": "Two men, like beat poets of the 50's, are traveling and I am a reporter who comes to interview them. He tells me about their life. How they are free as birds and only have relationships with women who know the rules. It's only short-term, sex and drugs, going from one woman to the next, no commitments. A young, dark-haired woman comes up to him. He's in the pickup getting ready to drive on to the next place. She has a paper to be autographed and asks to come along. He pulls out a dictionary to look up the words to say to explain the rules to her, like she speaks a different language. He explains, pointing to the words in a dictionary. She smiles and speaks plain English, agreeing with the rules. She'll do anything to be able to be with them for a while. Now the other man, more flambuoyant, isn't there and the one man is driving and I'm in the passenger side, talking to him, still interviewing. But now the man asks me quietly and with feeling what I'm really doing here. Why do I go around interviewing people? I say, \"Searching, trying to find someone who is truly unique.\" I say, \"I can't find anyone because they might have unique qualities on the psychological level, like different life experiences and different parental values etc., but deep down, we are all the same. No one is unique.\" I smile at him and say, \"You can imagine how intrigued I was by you,\" and I curl around him, in a hug. He thinks, as I lay my hand down near his lap, that I am about to perform manual sex and starts to automatically get ready to receive it, but then he realizes I am just hugging and cuddling and nervously asks if I want ___ a drug like cocaine. I smile and say no. I say, \"I thought you were the one, but, no. I see you are not. You are the same as everyone.\" He smiles in recognition, sadly. \"You can imagine how thrilled I am to hear this,\" he says. I smile. He gently places his hands over my breasts, on top of my shirt. It's a sexy gesture because you would expect him to try to fondle the breasts to get me excited, but he doesn't, he just gently pats me there. I put my hands over his in a touching gesture, and pat his hands. It's sweet, poignant and sexy. I feel a sensual pleasure. This is impossible and we both know it. I see the dirt mountainous road we are on, off in the wilderness alone. It narrows and I see ahead of us a brick wall, like a fireplace in a living room and bushes in the road. We slow down and stop. We neither of us move, because it would break the magic spell. I want us to continue getting closer. The moment freeze-frames and I wake up, feeling sweet and sad, and wanting something." }, { "number": "2350", "head": "01/08/93", "content": "I am on skates and I am skating down a street when I suddenly take a left turn to a curvy downhill road with a dropoff on the left side and buildings on the right. I feel apprehensive about this decision because I'm not so good at skating and I could make a mistake and go over the side, not being able to control my speed and end up going over the edge. Off I go anyway, almost against my will or better judgement. Then I see a long steep set of stairs that is like a ladder. It is so steep that I go over the edge; I hang on to the rail on my right and speedily skate from stair to stair. I am amazed I can do so well, barely managing not to fall and hurt myself. Jock is around somewhere. Maybe he's skating too." }, { "number": "2351", "head": "01/08/93", "content": "I go into a room, possibly a bedroom, where I find Ellie to ask her to help me out. I want to go swimming, but didn't remember to bring my swimsuit. She says, \"How can you swim then?\" I say, \"I can borrow a t-shirt and shorts from you and swim in them.\" She sighs, not wanting to go to the trouble. Now I see Charla, naked, and I pat her butt and feel like I did when the children were tiny babies. The butt is so cute and soft and I feel tenderness. She grabs onto me and hugs me and we laugh. The butt is not completely like a baby's, though there are wrinkled patches like my butt. I ask Ellie to find something for me, maybe photos and I point to where they are." }, { "number": "2352", "head": "01/09/93", "content": "There are a bunch of tiny burros and we try to ride them. If we stay on long enough, we win a prize. The prize is permission to make love to a person of our choice, if they agree. Several men try to ride and don't make it. I manage to hang on and win. I am given a small container with birth control stuff in it. I like this one man and am shy and want to ask him, but am afraid to. I am on a bed area that belongs to my parents. Then I put a small kitten in a car where his puppy already is. I roll up the windows, being careful to position the special breathing section correctly so they can't hop out, but have holes in the glass for air to come in. I check all the windows and am closing the back trunk one when a man in a black car comes by. He wants me to go with him, but I don't. I get into the driver's seat of the car with the animals. I try to lock the door and have trouble. I try three times and get it firmly shut. I turn the key on. The gearshift is funny-looking, thick and angular. I've never driven before and am nervous. I go out into the street very carefully and slow. In the center of this dream was a part where I choose another man to make love to and get into a cubicle and we start to thump and bump when the man of my real choice is upset and tries to figure out a way to intervene. He does interrupt, maybe making a noise or sending someone in or slamming a door. I come out before the thing has gone to orgasm." }, { "number": "2353", "head": "01/11/93", "content": "I am at Ellie's counselor. He wants to get information from me to help Ellie. We have to make another appointment because something isn't working out for this time. I feel frustrated. I think about going across the street to do some shopping, but decide not to. Now, I am driving. I decide after I start driving that I want to go to Payless and buy some things. I discover that I have gotten on the exit of the freeway and I'm going the wrong way. I stop, turn around, and try to find the way to cross the freeway and get back to the Payless store. It seems impossible. I get on the freeway going toward home, finally going the right direction, but now I'm a passenger, with Doug driving and Lydia in the middle. I see an exit and say, \"Let's go here, maybe it will take us back to Payless.\" We turn. I deliberately give Doug the silent treatment as he is being obnoxious as usual. I really don't like him a lot. As we drive back on a highway, we are right on the edge of the ocean. Doug says, \"Look how beautiful, the sun, anyway, the light.\" I can't help but agree. It is a wide, blue expanse of water and it's beautiful. I see a huge sign that says \"Payless\" off in the distance and we round a corner to discover the tiny road we are on stops abruptly at an embankment and doesn't connect with the curved road that does go to Payless. Now we are out of the car and I think about walking there, but it's a long way on arthritic feet. Doug has a tiny \"6 shooter,\" which is even less dangerous than a 22, a pistol. A part falls out of it on the road. It's lightweight and cheap. I think he was threatening me with it. I see Uncle Dale and Aunt Bridget jogging down the road. We chat. I get angry at Doug and stand up to his silly gun threat of shooting me. I decide to leave them and the car and walk back to Payless." }, { "number": "2354", "head": "01/12/93", "content": "I am living in a 3-room apartment that has a downhill slope in one of the rooms. I have a sweet, chubby baby boy and I've been ill, but now I'm recovering and I get up and carry him around with me and feed him food and hug him and love him. He laughs and chuckles and is very content. I also do exercises by walking from one end of the apartment to the other, back and forth, back and forth. I look out the bedroom window and see on the hill right behind the apartment men who are camping there because they are homeless. They are on horseback and have makeshift tents. It is icy and slick outside and I step out, slide down the ramp and slide back up and back in. The letter A in fancy cursive is written in the fogged-up bedroom window." }, { "number": "2355", "head": "01/13/93", "content": "I am trying to return home and am late, and as the plane is starting to leave, I leap up on the top of the thing and crawl over to the front cockpit into the co-pilot's chair. The pilot chides me not to cut it so close next time and I then go back to a regular seat. It's a propeller plane, not a jet." }, { "number": "2356", "head": "01/13/93", "content": "I am going up some stairs and then down and there is a sort of playful game going on with a man. We are mutually attracted. I ask a group of half grown boys to surround me so he can't see me and they do. I'm in the center, laughing and peeking out at him. He peeks in and sees me as I lay down on the floor, laughing. He recognized me because of my legs and feet. They were female." }, { "number": "2357", "head": "01/14/93", "content": "I am at a party in a rich woman's mansion. I go for a walk to find the bathroom, I go down a curved, ramped floor. I see an orchestra set up ready to play. I find the bathroom. A woman goes in and she says, \"What a mess.\" I peek in and agree. I decide to wait. I walk on, looking for another one. I pass the orchestra and see a large carnival ride-like thing that swoops up and down and under it is a large water pond. There is a green alligator and wild cats that eat things. I think of going on the game and decide not to, those cats look vicious. I return the way I came and see a beautiful cello on the ground. I look more closely and ask the oriental man if that is a cello. He says, \"Yes.\" I say, \"It looked for a moment like a dulcimer, the color or type of wood, but I did think it was a cello.\" He smiles and then admires my skirt. It is a cotton wrap-around with designs and pictures that represent the history of Mexico. He is intrigued and bends down to look closely at the hem area. Suddenly, he rips off a section of the skirt and takes it. I am angry and say, \"Wait, you made a hole.\" He ignores me. I walk on, trying to decide what to do. I decide I'll go find a policeman and return to get that piece of my skirt from him. I look at the ramp on the right, thinking of going back that way, but it looks too long and I'd get tired. So I go back the way I came up to the original level. I see Nate and feel sad and wistful. His wife is nearby and I think she may be the owner of this mansion. He stands close to me and we chit chat, but we look at each other with longing. She stops by and chats and walks out the door. Nate is going with her and he pauses to say goodbye like to an acquaintance, but we stand close and I brush my hand over his just to touch. It is a tender, secretive moment. He goes out. I turn to rejoin the party. Now I want to go home, to the old M City house, but first the woman of the house (sort of Nate's wife) says, \"Why don't you take this carpet, for Charla.\" I agree and together we roll it up and she hands me pieces of tape and I wrap it around and around to secure the roll of carpet. Then Nate comes up and smiles gently and says, \"Why don't I help carry that for you.\" I know this means he'll come in and we'll be lovers again. I want to resist, sort of, but I don't. The woman steps away and Nate says, \"First, put this rose in my hair.\" He kneels like some ritual thing and I pluck a white rose or two from the table decoration and stand behind him to place the roses in the ponytail of long brown hair. It is touching and tender, and a ritual. I pat his head, maybe kissing it lightly. He says, \"Move the family thing.\" I look to the table and see a big plate of food on a holder warmer dish and realize he means to move the plate so he can put the carpet roll on it for a moment before he heaves it on his shoulder, and we walk down the road to the M City house and some alone time for ourselves to make love. The carpet is short and small." }, { "number": "2358", "head": "01/15/93", "content": "I am on a bus as a sort of head resident type. Lots of things happen and we are headed home. It is late and I am very tired. I fall into bed, exhausted. I live in a Uni house kind of residence. This one morning I feel better and I walk down to breakfast. It feels wonderful. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep it up, but for now it feels grand. A man I like comes in and sees me walking. He's so happy, he and I hug, standing up and kiss and now it's like we have declared our love to each other. We are interrupted with the news that I am going to be the dance queen tonight, like homecoming queen for the prom or something. This is going to be a long night and I wonder if I will be able to manage being so active on my feet so much. I have to dance with every man. The older man who runs the place insists I walk across the gym and stand at the edge of the bathtub and then walk all the way across the gym to where a long table is. I protest this will hurt me too much, but he insists. I do it and the young men line up one at a time to dance with me. They each bring a card with some phrases written on them, like cards you get with flowers. A young man announces each one. One man and I dance. Then I have to walk back to the bath tub area. This goes on for awhile and I want my loved one to come dance with me before it's too late and I can't move. Again I'm at the table and I just refuse to do the long walk. I go straight out to the dance floor. The older man is angry and insists I do it the \"right\" way. I mouth the words \"fuck off\" and go back to the table. The announcing man says, \"Did I hear swear words?\" I say, \"You didn't HEAR them!\" Then the music is wild and Latin and I start dancing toward the center of the floor all by myself. A woman comes up to me and says, \"This will be terrible.\" I ask, \"What will?\" She says, \"You're older than us and you'll end up living here and then you'll be 85 years old and our children will see you and be afraid.\" I say, \"You mean like I'll be the old witch of the village?\" She says, \"Yes.\" This upsets her. I'm a little annoyed myself at her. I see a man dancing across the floor and he's wonderful at it. He's dark and Latin. I dance to him and it's so graceful, like we're skating only we're in stocking feet (nylons for me). We glide and swirl around and now his girlfriend is jealous and tries to cut in. The three of us do a kind of duck and pull dance. Then I glide out of it and they go off. The older man has shoved the big bathtub over to the center so I can still do the ritual, but not walk so far. I smile at his tenacity. He glares at me because he had to compromise. I go stand in front of the tub. There is lots of steaming warm water in it and I feel my aching, limping joints start to feel better by standing in the warm steam. Behind the tub is a young man, seated. He has a bright tow head blonde crew cut. He makes a smart remark and I grab him by the hair and pull him to standing like he's a naughty little boy. He grimaces. Now I hear my love. He's drunk and he's coming to the dance to start a food fight with catsup and mustard to break up the dance so I can get away and off my feet. It's a rescue. I catch his eye and he looks at me lovingly but drunk. He's wearing black pants. Some of the young women come up to me to help me get out before the fight gets going good. I say, \"Wait, my cards and gifts. I want them.\" Someone goes to collect them for me and we go out. I am relieved I can soon sit down and not hurt so much, and sad I never got a dance with my love." }, { "number": "2359", "head": "01/16/93", "content": "A beautiful Barbie doll kind of woman is laying in a coffin-like box with her lover, a beautiful man. They are going to kiss but the woman is dead, and her body begins to dissolve molecule by molecule and is absorbed into the mountain, a stone mountain in a pyramid shape. I see the blood cells in there and wonder how she can still be alive, but she is. It is necessary to get her out, the man still loves her. And through some Herculean effort, she is pulled out of the rock, molecule by molecule and put back together. I am amazed she is still alive." }, { "number": "2360", "head": "01/16/93", "content": "There is a bad guy that can emanate some horrible, painful sound or radiation that keeps everyone his prisoner. Just at the moment he turns it on, I as a superman kind of being disintegrate and disperse my molecules as I fly up and away. He's upset I got away. But now I must go back and fight him in order to save my family, now frozen in his power. I go, via instructions from some feminine voice, to a platform up in the clouds and there are some remote control-like game boards in a basket. I pick up one. The voice says, \"This one can be adapted well.\" I look at it closer. It is a chess game, electronic. I say \"Ah, the good old chess game,\" satisfied it can be modified to fight this powerful man and save my family. I turn it over and look at the back side of it and see the tiny shapes of the black \"men\" or pieces. I want to review the rules of how they are allowed to move. [BL]" }, { "number": "2361", "head": "01/16/93", "content": "There are three tanks of fish in this living room. I go look. I am holding a tiny rectangle that is maybe a 1/4 inch thick plastic enclosed piece with tiny fish in it. I wonder how they can be still alive, there's no way to get food to them. I realize I haven't feed the fish in the three big tanks for years. I see large goldfish that appear dead, floating on their sides. I get the fish food and pour some on the top of the water and the fish swarm, boiling all around desperate for food. I feel really bad for them. I wonder how they survived. I see Howard's face around. Later, some child says, \"The baby is hungry.\" I walk up some stairs and down a long hall to the back bedrooms. There are a lot of rooms. I haven't been here for a long time. Dovre as a pre-teen is with me. I find the bedroom where the baby is. She's laying on an old uncomfortable double bed. She is 3-years-old now. I am going to dress her and I'm looking for matching shoes that will fit, but can't find a matching pair. They are all colorful plastic see-through bootie slippers. I say, \"It's about time we moved you into a better room. You're a big girl now. You aren't a baby.\" It's like a graduation statement and I make it seriously. I take her by the hand, and we walk back down the long hall with up and down stairs in it toward the front rooms where I live. She says, \"How come I haven't been here very much? It's important to be here.\" I say, \"I don't know, but now you will live here.\" I feel badly I've neglected her." }, { "number": "2362", "head": "01/17/93", "content": "I decide to invite friends and family over for Thanksgiving and am preparing a big dinner. My mother is in the kitchen fixing food, I am scurrying around getting extra chairs. The house is big, with lots of long tables end to end down some long hall. I am walking and enjoying it. Rochelle and another woman in a wheelchair comes. I look at Rochelle's new wig, brown and kind of ugly looking. I compliment her and say it's pretty. She smiles and they go sit and wait as I am busy with greetings. I see uncles and cousins and then my Grandmother Agnes. I am very happy to see her and hug her a long hard time. \"I'm so glad to see you again,\" I say. She says, \"Do you remember Sandy?\" I think her son. I laugh and say, \"Oh yes, when we were children, I was called Sandy and I named him that.\" I go on and finally find a place at the far end of this endless feast. We get turkey and potatoes and there is plenty, but I realize we didn't get the special treats, the cranberry sauce, the salads and biscuits and so on, so I say to a woman down the table, \"Could you ask the captain (of an airplane) to pass down the sauce?\" She's embarrassed to do it. I ask the co-pilot to do it. He hesitates and I get annoyed and say, \"Oh, for goodness sakes, I guess I'll just do it myself!!\" I get up, which shames the woman, who tries to ask the Capt., who ignores the request. I walk passed him and find salads and jellos and biscuits and cake and lots of cream cheese special dishes and start gathering them up; apple butter, applesauce. I see co-worker Gordon and clap him happily on the shoulder and say, \"I must have sat at the wrong end of the table. We didn't get all this.\" He smiles and we joke about how I'm just a complainer. A woman who is gathering up the leftovers says, \"What are you going to do with all this?\" I say, \"Don't worry, it won't go to waste. I'll take it to the babies in the hospital, maybe to the homeless.\"" }, { "number": "2363", "head": "01/17/93", "content": "I am given the job of working a \"board\" sort of like at Ellie's radio station, or like a switch board. I don't get much training and I'm trying to remember the sequences. A small red light comes on and it is labeled star. I know this is a \"star\" message and it is important to hear it. I push some buttons hoping that would work, but it doesn't. I keep trying different sequences and objects. I remember I first have to pick up a bottle labeled \"star\" and put some of that substance in something. I look for the bottle. I find lots of different ones but not the right one. Red Buttons walks in and I want to talk with him. I enjoy his company but I must first finish what I'm doing. I say to him, \"I'm sorry, but I'm new at this job and I have to find the star.\" He says \"OK, but it looks like they didn't give you much training.\" I say, \"No, only a few hours before I took over.\" He says, \"You shouldn't have accepted that.\" I feel annoyed and say, \"Just a minute.\" I climb up a bookcase-like thing to look on the top shelf. I find different bottles all just out of reach and knock a few over in my search. Some are like onion powder bottles. They are almost it, but not quite. I feel frustrated." }, { "number": "2364", "head": "01/18/93", "content": "Kenneth is leaning out of a window and turned around looking up to the next floor and trying to kiss a man who is leaning down toward him. I watch, surprised, because Kenneth is married to a woman. Later, I am going on a vacation. I am catching a plane. I get on and realize I have not packed a thing. I had time to do so, but somehow I didn't manage to do it. I wear a black sheath dress. I have no meds, no other clothes, no books. I wonder how I'll manage. Now I'm on a boat-like thing and it's plowing through waters that look shallow, but must have a channel deep enough in it or we wouldn't be able to move. It's time to dress for dinner and a man wants to meet me, so I open a closet and see lots of formals and fancy dresses, nothing appropriate. I look through them, but don't find anything usable." }, { "number": "2365", "head": "01/20/93", "content": "I am at a reunion and I see Darryl. He stands near me and I can feel the same sweet sexual excitement I felt around him. He and I talk, sort of aware of the feelings but not acting on them. He then begins to kiss me and I like it very much and start to want more. I am walking and holding his arm like he is a gallant escort. He sees a friend of his and hesitates to introduce us. Perhaps he is remembering my disability and is embarrassed, but he does introduce us. The man isn't very warm. Then Darryl and I sit in a manual wheelchair. I am semi laying down in the chair and he is on top of me, kissing. I say, \"We can write for awhile, but then maybe I can come to you in Texas or you can return here to me.\" We really want to make love now." }, { "number": "2366", "head": "02/01/93", "content": "I am traveling to a city in California to live. I'm driving a car that needs fixing. I am going up a hill that is so steep that I am now climbing hand over hand like a mountain climber and it is scary because I might lose my grip. A young man from the California town meets me and says, \"Why did you take that way?\" I say, \"I don't know.\" So now I'm driving down a road, with curves and woods. Then we see the town, a small country town with one main street. Now I am a woman in a power wheelchair and the person coming to this town for a job is a man in a wheelchair. He says, \"Are there any ramps in this town?\" The man guiding us says there wasn't a one, but by tomorrow every place will have one. The young man says, \"There, that's the place I'll be working,\" and points to a counter and a cash register, in a sort of drugstore, gift shop place, but now a sort of city picnic thing is going on and I walk down the street. I say to the young man who is wearing a leather jacket, \"Come see the show.\" He says, \"I'll be playing my guitar over there.\" Katrina and her son are there. She says, \"They'll do magic tricks over here.\" We follow her and watch as she pulls out a few cheap firework tricks for her son. I sit and the young man lays down in front of me, relaxed, on the grass. I look at him and then quietly reach over and kiss him, which surprises him. I am basically inquiring if he would be receptive to this sort of thing. He squirms and says something about already having a girlfriend. I guess I'm too old for him. My feelings are not hurt; I simply asked. He's free to respond anyway he wishes. I look over to a young woman in front of him and ask with my eyes about the kiss, but we both pass on it. Now Katrina is explaining the trick, which involves 25 round, tiny disks in a pile. The son has a Bic lighter and has trouble lighting it. It clicks and clicks. I think, \"I'm glad I don't do tricks that require fire, too unpredictable.\"" }, { "number": "2367", "head": "02/01/93", "content": "I am called to go to Dustin Hoffman's house. He sends a limo. I sit in the back, and all the windows are smoked glass and I feel like I'm in a box. I can't see out. We get there, after I type in all the sensations I experience, like outside noises or when we round a curve in my mini computer. It'll make a great scene in a movie someday. The door opens and an older woman, an employee of Dustin's, reaches in to assist me out of the car. I am standing and a woman is on each side gripping my arms. I say, \"Let go of me.\" They don't. I insist, getting very angry. I repeat, \"Let go of me,\" escalating in anger, over and over. Finally I shake them off. We get in an elevator and I push #2, the usual floor I go when I visit Dustin's house. But we go up to the top floor and I see through a glass window that we are now at an attic toy room, a secret place where he is himself. I get out and Dustin dressed as a child on a small tricycle toy comes putting up. I keep trying to see him as an adult in child's clothing, but he looks like a child with an adult face. His employees are playing games with him and I feel sad for an older woman who is talking baby talk. How demeaning, but I also admire her acting abilities. Then Dustin groans in pain and lays down on the floor. I get on my knees by him and bend down and kiss him gently on the lips. He has a migraine headache and is in terrible pain. I whisper, \"This had better be real, or you are dead meat.\" He smiles weakly, acknowledging he knows that." }, { "number": "2368", "head": "02/02/93", "content": "I am a leader and the chores have all been assigned. A man is supposed to do the dishes. I pass a clouded mountainside and see a yellow wooden horse, adult-sized, but like a child's toy, half out of the clouds. I call it to someone's attention. \"Look at that,\" I say. Then it comes alive and is now a very artistic looking man in a leotard full body suit of swirling yellows and greens. He runs fast past us to my quarters. He is sneaking down the mountain to eat my food. I guess he doesn't have any up there. But the man and I have been so busy fighting or defending that the dishes haven't been done for days and he sees a bowl of cream of wheat, but no small bowls to eat out of. I look around and say, \"Well, I guess we don't have any bowls left.\" I am annoyed with the man, because I've done all my chores and haven't nagged him, but enough is enough. I tell him he needs to get on it. I am willing to help some. I decide to give two of my paper bowls to the other man until the dishes are finally done. Now I am trying to tie a scarf around my waist like a seat belt and it is too loose. There is a dolly and a tiny baby dolly. I'm holding them and trying to tie the scarf and it is cumbersome and difficult. Finally I get the idea to knot the scarf up shorter and put the two dollies together so they can hold each other. It works, sort of, only this big bulk is still all on my lap and gets in my way." }, { "number": "2369", "head": "02/03/93", "content": "I am sort of a office worker or a head resident again, only Rochelle and I work together for the, whatever organization it is. I decide to start cleaning up a corner on my desk and discover lots of old things that had been around when I was head resident at Uni house. I find several dead plants. I exclaim at one, \"Oh, it's dead, I think,\" and wonder if it got water, if it would still grow new shoots. I find some necklaces and ask if anyone knew who's they were. A woman claims them. I was kind of hoping no one would so I could have them, they were pretty. Now I'm putting piles of papers and things in boxes and going to take them home and sort them. Rochelle is seated on a couch and a woman in a wheelchair comes to the door. I am standing between them. They are role-playing talking to each other on a phone and I am coaching them. I teasingly say to the one behind the half-open door, \"Now remember, you're calling your girlfriend.\" I feel good about being so open and friendly about her lesbianism. After they exchange a few sentences, the role play is over and Rochelle is blushing and has bright red lipstick on. She says that is hard. I agree and say, \"Communication is an art form; it is hard,\" and encourage her to continue trying. I go on packing. I step outside and see buses arriving. Big bands are arriving for a musical evening which I'm not staying for because it will be too crowded and uncomfortable. I see a marimba band bus and think, \"Maybe I will stay, after all some really good music will be here,\" but still I know I won't stay. A couple of the musicians call out to me for directions to the play they will play, and I ignore them, shy and not wanting to connect with them, although there is a part of me that is like a fan and wants to connect. I am sort of regretting doing this even as I continue doing it. I go back inside and think, \"Maybe I'll stay.\" I go out to the backyard where it will be held and try to imagine it full of 2,000 people. I would have to go into the woods and pee because I'd never get through all those people to get back inside, especially in my wheelchair. I then drive my chair down a wooded path where no one is, using a small flashlight attached to my wheelchair and squat and pee. I am wearing my swirly multi-colored skirt of Uni house days. I return and go inside. No, I won't stay. I gather up some boxes, I see a t-shirt, black with a picture of me as a cheerleader in my French beret hat. I see an old wrinkled red head resident hat of Uni house, etc. I go ask a couple of young men to help me carry these boxes out." }, { "number": "2370", "head": "02/04/93", "content": "I am laying on the ground sort of on a picnic blanket with my sister Lydia. A good-looking man wanders by and is attracted and I am attracted to him. We start to walk along, me in a manual chair. He helps push me around. He wants to go off together with me to a motel and vacation with me. I am tempted because he's a sweet kisser and I enjoy his company and I enjoy being with someone. But if I do, it would mean that I'd have to be in my manual chair, which means he'd have to always help me. I'd lose my power, my freedom and independence. I am torn. I agree to do it. Meanwhile we have some money that really belongs to the Mafia and he suggests we just go spend it, at a $100-a-night hotel. I am unsure, this would lead to big trouble, but I follow him and do it, putting off thinking of the consequences." }, { "number": "2371", "head": "02/04/93", "content": "My mother has a heating pad and is placing it on me as I am laying down and I say, \"No, it goes this way.\" She says, \"No, it doesn't.\" I say, \"Mom, do it my way because it's the way I want it.\" She resists and I feel angry. I insist. [BL]" }, { "number": "2372", "head": "02/06/93", "content": "Merc and I are going in the direction of a huge wall of water. I look up and realize this is a tidal wave and it makes no sense to be moving toward it. We turn and run as fast as we can for high ground. I climb and climb until I am up on a roof area and see that I am just barely high enough. To my left now is a huge raging river of water. It's close, but I am safe." }, { "number": "2373", "head": "02/08/93", "content": "I am being forced to drive to California by my evil brother and his wife, my sister-in-law. I earn money either with Social Security or with my writing and they are living off what I earn. Somehow, I manage to get back in the house. I think an older sister, Margaret (elderly), makes this happen. I make a break for it and go into the bathroom off my bedroom and hide. This is kind of like the V house in A City, but not. I quickly go pee and then try to hide under a pile of bed clothes under a small table. The door of the bathroom is a curtain that draws over the door space. I can kind of see through it, although it is not transparent. Margaret comes and sees me but doesn't tell. Later two girl children come by and I hope they don't see me. I'm hidden, but sort of in plain view also. The sister-in-law comes by and peeks around. Margaret lays my play scripts on the pile of bed clothes I am under and asks the sister if it's alright if I rewrite them, if I am found. The sister-in-law agrees, because, of course, it would mean more money for them." }, { "number": "2374", "head": "02/08/93", "content": "I write a play or story and then I experiment with a machine. I am in a small room. Some people come by and take the machine and are looking it over and exclaiming about how I've managed to improve it. I choose to hide beside a young woman in a wheelchair. I look up at her, asking her not to expose me. I say, \"I won't let them hurt you.\" She hides me. I like being there to eavesdrop on their compliments. Then I rush away and they chase me. I go into the room just beside the one I was in originally and slam the door and try to hold it locked. They pound on the door. They start to come over the transom and I shoot them with my laser beam gun. It slows them down." }, { "number": "2375", "head": "02/08/93", "content": "I am a young boy and am homeless. I look for a place to hide where I can be warm. I go down to the basement of a large house. I look into barrels for a place to sleep. I see a big furnace, so we'll be warm (another boy is with me). Someone is after us. Then we have to go back upstairs. I get in a pickup truck to drive and my partner is now a tiny girl on a tricycle (like a disability). I reach way down to give her a piece of paper she will need, like a deposit slip from a checkbook. She gives it back and I search the list of numbers to see if it's the right ones. She says, \"Can we arrange to be away from here for two hours, because I don't want to be here when the big cloud comes?\" I look over and see a devil's tower, like a volcano, and realize a poisonous or nuclear cloud will envelop this for two hours very soon. I agree and we struggle to get away from there." }, { "number": "2376", "head": "02/08/93", "content": "I am in a library and some new books have been made. Someone videotaped some new material and now some women and myself are going through the material and critiquing it and cataloguing it. I ask a few questions about the abbreviations we will use in our descriptions. Later, I look up on a ceiling and see the underside of a table saw has cut through from above. A man is concerned and wonders why or how this happened. I crawl up and through a trap door to the next floor and see that a woman had started it up and then left it unattended and it cut through. I decide, after debating, to turn it off. Next to it is a sewing machine. I leave it on. Later, Aunt Elaine is asking if I have any more of that apple jam without sugar. I say, \"My mother may have some more,\" and we look in cupboards. We find a jar half full. Later, I am picking at my left big toe nail, trying to get it down to the right size. I go too far and make it too short. It's soft and easy to manage." }, { "number": "2377", "head": "02/10/93", "content": "I am seated in a big fancy wheelchair right in the first row in the center so that I am right up next to the stage. I wonder if I am blocking the view of others sitting behind me. I am aware that I've never seen a show from this perspective before because in high school I always sat in the back, because of my fears. I watch some show on stage and afterward am mingling with the crowd. Two tall men stand by me and I am aware that I am seeing from a new perspective. Men get to see things that short women can't. He laughs and says, \"You mean you've never seen black straps and wrinkles before?\" (meaning from their tall vantage point they can look down women's dresses. I think with some concern, \"Why would I want to do that? I'm not a lesbian, after all.\" My father sits in the back row and I go to him. I help him carry two huge axes. We go to the parking lot and see his vehicle which isn't working. I place the two axes in what I thought was the vehicle, and now have to retrieve them because they are laying on the dirt ground. I reach in where the truck should be and get them up. It is hard to do. He watches. Then we walk over to the trailer he had pulled. It is an odd hand-made wooden house trailer with an open wall on one side. I get in. It has a long wooden bench on the long wall. My mother is seated there." }, { "number": "2378", "head": "02/10/93", "content": "I am working as a writer in a movie studio in Hollywood. I watch with great interest at everything around me. A good-looking man watches me. He follows me out as I am talking to another man. I am telling him all my many projects and this is overheard by the good-looking man. He is impressed. After we are in the parking lot, I discover there's fences and I can't get out the way I'm going, so I turn to go back. I see a huge wind whipping up the dirt all around. I try to cover my mouth and nose to protect myself. The man gets into a car, takes my pink wheelchair and puts it into the trunk, which is in the front and drives off. We go up a very steep off-ramp with red lights on it indicating we are going the wrong way. I am afraid we'll tip over. He smiles when I ask, \"Why are we going this way?\" I don't like it. Now we are on the freeway. He suddenly stops on the side of the road and grabs me. He is going to rape and kill me, like a serial killer. I smash his head three or four times against the back window and he slumps unconscious. I push him out of the car, but then decide to get my chair out and leave the car; otherwise I'd be stealing it. I have trouble putting the chair together, but manage and go up the side of the freeway, hoping he doesn't regain consciousness and come after me. I find a phone booth and call for help." }, { "number": "2379", "head": "02/11/93", "content": "Ricardo comes to Ginny and me and says, \"Look at my eyes. I'm allergic to the packing stuff.\" I see his eyes are swollen and bruised-looking in color. He had been opening a bag of party favors that were packed in packing Styrofoam peanuts things. Ernie is around and he is grumpy and angry about things in general." }, { "number": "2380", "head": "02/12/93", "content": "I and a man are sexually interested in each other. It's teasing and exciting. He and I kiss and walk and talk. We or I have a hamburger diner that I sort of live in. We walk past two others that are so tiny I wonder how anyone can do any work there and actually make hamburgers. I see rows of catsup bottles on a shelf and a hamburger ready to be cooked. It has a tiny order window. We walk on. We lay on the grass and I draw something on the grass. It's words. It starts with the word \"sex\" and to the left is another word and on a curve is another word, and a line he wrote crosses my line and makes it hard to read. He tries to read it and says, \"I know it starts here,\" and points to the word \"sex.\" Two other men are nearby and my man gets possessive and jealous and says to them, \"She's mine, you understand?\" I say indignantly, \"Hey, let's get this straight. Yes, I'm with him, make that clear, but I decide when I walk and when I work!\" He's embarrassed that I am such an untamable woman, but what can he do? He loves me. We go into the house/diner to find a room to be alone together to consummate our passion. Now I am walking down a hall at an institution where mentally retarded people live. A woman aid says, \"It's so amazing. We have to coerce them to get to their writing, but when they finally get interested, there is no stopping them.\" It's something to watch. They get intensely involved observing things to write about. She describes how one mentally retarded woman went to a window and said, \"This is a man, and here is his head and his hands and here is his dick\" (the metal handle used to open the window), and then the aid demonstrates how the woman takes the handle into her like it's a dick and has orgasm. I am a bit shocked but, hey, this is life. The life force can not be denied. There is something about aids helping disabled people to have orgasm." }, { "number": "2381", "head": "02/13/93", "content": "I am trapped in a world where I can't find my way out and back to my own universe. Charla and I are walking down a long series of halls, endless. We go faster and faster. I worry I will step in the open holes in the metal floor and fall or hurt myself. I finally see a light coming out of a crack in a door in the wall and try to peek in. I am excited because finally I see other people. It's a class of some kind. I pound on the door and then see they are coming out. I step back so they can open the door. They come out and I go in and see a woman seated on a chair. I assume she is the teacher. I speak to her. I tell her I need help because I'm not of this world, and I was all alone, and it is such a relief to find people, and how do I get back? She is very noncommittal and says, quite unsurprised, that she understands because she isn't of this world either. I say, \"Really! Then can I get back?\" She says, \"Come on to my apartment. We'll talk. We walk a few lengths of a hall and enter her apartment. I see one small living room and a tiny kitchen cubicle. There's not much stuff in there. I ask if I can go back and she doesn't answer. She says, \"Will you have dinner?\" I say, \"Sure. I'll help you clean up after.\" She shrugs. \"You can if you want to, but it's not necessary.\" She takes a pot of pink stuff and throws it on the floor. I watch as it just disappears into the floor and nothing is messed up. I realize this universe does everything for you. If you want to cook or teach or do dishes or anything, you can, but if you don't, the universe does it. I realize it's sort of a small universe which convolutes on itself because everything doesn't really exist. I show Charla. I stand next to the wall and mark it up terribly. Then I wait for a few seconds (3?) and it repairs itself. I say to the wall, \"Change your color - red, black, yellow. It changes to each color. I tell it to go back to the original color. I realize this is very bad, in the long run. What will these people do with their time? There is no challenge. I see the teacher is bored and unanimated." }, { "number": "2382", "head": "02/13/93", "content": "I am happily married to Michael J. Fox." }, { "number": "2383", "head": "02/13/93", "content": "I watch as a woman captain of a riverboat sternwheeler is navigating in shallow water with dead tree stumps and fallen logs all about. I wonder she isn't ripping out the underbelly of her craft with this plowing-through attitude she's got. Finally she sees the center channel, which is the Mississippi River, and deep and large. She goes there and it's clear sailing for a while. Then there is a decision point. On the left is a huge inland lake and to the right, over a sand bar, is more river. She is very impressed with this lake. It is exciting, so huge, the largest lake bounded by a continent. It seems too much for her and she decides to go on down the river, but then now the boat is being driven down a sand dune to the ocean, where an edge of the lake connects. I realize with delight she could not resist the lake and is going for it in a round about way. Now we're on the ocean and I can feel her (the ocean's) powerful waves." }, { "number": "2384", "head": "02/14/93", "content": "A man is stealing things and I hesitate and then join him. It's kind of fun. I grab a pack of Salem cigarettes and some chocolate candy and some money. After a while of being concerned he will get caught, I get \"caught up\" in the excitement and blatantly steal things, even when shoppers are nearby. The man cautions me and says, \"You could get caught.\" I disregard him like I'm addicted to this and then the police come and I run and hide. I go down a steel ladder into an underground manhole-like place and then I am trapped. They have me. I give up." }, { "number": "2385", "head": "02/14/93", "content": "A play is starting. It's for kids, like the Wizard of Oz or something. It opens with a witch crossing the sky. I look up, we are outside in a city, and I see a man on a helicopter thing. I say, \"This time the witch is a man.\" He has a blue stocking hat on that is pointy like a witch's hat. He's having some trouble landing the thing and I wonder just what kind of a budget this play has where they can afford expensive jet helicopters as props. Two guard jet helicopters come by to assist him. He accidentally gets one of the rotors on a roof and flips over. The play is stopped temporarily, as they go to fix that. I walk down the street. I wonder if the play has started up yet, and see a woman go into a store window display to take her place. I think, \"Well, only the best actors get that job, so I guess the play hasn't started yet, but it would be fun to stroll down the street and see all the different live displays.\" I think Ellie is around somewhere." }, { "number": "2386", "head": "02/14/93", "content": "I live in an apartment and a woman comes in and says, \"I have to help you put proper coverings on the tie downs of your curtains.\" I am surprised and say, \"Why?\" She says because the management insists that everyone do it. I am upset. \"We'll see about this,\" I say indignantly. She is the secretary of Dan T and his wife. She comes and works for me a couple of hours a week. She takes down the snowman Xmas ornament I have on the right curtain. There is a Santa Claus ornament on the left tie. I walk down to Dan's office and say, \"We have to talk.\" He sighs, \"Here she comes, to make trouble again.\" I say, \"Why do I have to put on specific tie down covers? This feels like an invasion of privacy. I should be able to say what I want to have in my own home.\" He agrees, but he also explains that the ties need to be protected so they won't get dusty. We talk. I go inspect his curtains to see if he is complying with the rule. He has lace curtains that don't have ties. I say, \"I'll have the secretary look it over, my curtains, I mean.\" He seems very grateful that I hire her for a few hours, like this is a very civic thing to do. He then brings me plastic packets with books and yarn craft things in them and I look them over. It has something to do with the curtain stuff. I choose one, wondering if I should pay for it or just walk out with it and assume he gave it to me. I watch him to get a clue if I am being given it or not. I can't really tell." }, { "number": "2387", "head": "02/15/93", "content": "Someone burned my house down (like the M City House) and the insurance is going to pay for building a new one on the same location and I am happy. We are temporarily living down the street in a nice house, but it will be good to get back to the original location. Then I am concerned that the man who burned the house down will do something stupid and get caught, and they won't pay for a new house. Now I am getting into a submarine. As we go under the water, a sailor says, \"Ah, I love being under the water. It's so safe and clean.\" I shudder, because I can't help but worry about what would happen if the sub sprung a leak or broke. We'd be killed by the tons of water, with no oxygen. We go to the bottom of the ocean. Now I am married to a man and he is having sex with another woman right in front of me, and I am hurt and angry, but I still love him." }, { "number": "2388", "head": "02/16/93", "content": "I am in a small, square house and I look out the window to the right and see a small indent in the dirt and realize an eruption is beginning. I watch as I see water squirt up, and then hot steam and lots of water like a geyser. I watch as the hillside, which is completely barren, just dirt, is awash with water. Then I realize this could be dangerous. I still don't move, until it is absolutely obvious; I slide on the water out of the house and down a big hill. I step over books, and land in another small house that is completely surrounded by water, the great flood. The entire world is flooded except my little spot. The water finally recedes and I see some men coming toward me and I must protect myself. I have a whip and I am very good with it. I lash out at them and drive them away, except there are a lot of them and they keep threatening me. One sends a long-horned cow at me. I am about to be impaled on a fence and I reach out and grab the cows horns with one hand and force it to stop. I hold it there and insist it let me ride it. It sort of rolls its eyes at me as if to say, \"My God, not that! How embarrassing.\" But I get on its back and ride away on it." }, { "number": "2389", "head": "02/17/93", "content": "I am pregnant and going into the hospital to have the baby. The dream sort of keeps repeating itself and I repeat going into the room and having a big belly. It seems to take forever and I get bored and tired of the repetition. It doesn't seem to end." }, { "number": "2390", "head": "02/17/93", "content": "I play the violin. I have two of them. One of my violins was the old one that I used when I was in the 4th grade. It used to be my mother's. The other violin is a serviceable one that I use. I play fairly well. I hope my fingers can manage the notes so I won't embarrass myself. Jock is around. He has unpacked a huge bass fiddle. I wonder how we'll fit it in the car. I put the violins on the back seat, without their cases. I hope they don't slide around and get broken. A man comes up to me. He is interested in me. He is married and has children and doesn't seem to want to divorce them, and at the same time he wants to have an affair with me. He is a bit plump and bearded. He reminds me of Pat Brown. He hugs me and kisses me. I let him without really feeling reciprocal feelings. I tell him that I don't want to have a sexual affair with him as he is married. I am also not that interested in him." }, { "number": "2391", "head": "02/18/93", "content": "I am in a large room, sort of like a gym with furniture. Merle and I are exercising. I am standing and doing stretches. One leg up and then the other and stretching every part of me. It felt wonderful. I tease Merle and tickle him on his round tummy. Now we are moving furniture, a yellow couch. Ginny helps. I pin some yellow sheets of paper up on a side wall of a stage area that is not accessible to wheelchairs. I walk, so it's no problem for me. Someone takes them down and I say, \"Hey, put them back! I put them there so people can write on them. I am expecting lots of school kids to come.\" He says, \"But it seems there are better places for this.\" I say, \"I looked. This is the best place.\" Then I look around again and realize that the main gym wall is accessible and all I would have to do is move the kid's pictures displayed there up here on the side stage wall and use that space. I go to the man and say, \"You were right. There is a better place.\" I go down to do that. I see a huge map of the world on the wall, and later I see it's gone. Now the kids are arriving. I see someone has taken something of mine and I complain, but what shall I do about the pain? I look and I see two Alka Seltzer pills and a small pill. I tell Ginny that these are mine, for the pain. Ginny is busting two kid girls for having drugs. She is lecturing them. [BL]" }, { "number": "2392", "head": "02/19/93", "content": "I am at Dwight and Corinne's home and I admire the lovely curtains which are purple and other colors in stained glass. There is stained glass everywhere. It is beautiful." }, { "number": "2393", "head": "02/19/93", "content": "I move into a house and I'm looking it over. I am in the kitchen. I see I have two tables there and wonder if I should move the yellow one out, even though it matches the stove in color. I go around to the back of it and see lots of drawers. I open them and see the previous owner has left stuff. I look through it, hoping I'll find something I like and can use. I see potato peelers and I open one drawer and see it is a mini stove, a sort of built in hot plate thing. I think that's neat. I see tiny coke bottles and gather them up to throw them out. I think they are cute. I decide to keep this table. I pick up cards off the other table that were laid out all in a row. I open a door and see it goes to more rooms, an old room with bits of leftover furniture stored, chairs, etc. I open another door and see a flight of stairs that go down to a basement and a flight of stairs that goes right back up the other side. I try to look around the corner at the bottom to where the basement room goes to the right, but don't want to go down there. I shut the door hurriedly, kind of scared. I then decide to throw the trash down a flight of stairs to the garbage can. Then I decide to go down there and look around. I see I own a motorcycle. I go down and practice riding it, around and around slowly in a circle on the blacktop of my driveway. A neighbor man watches, interested. I see I have a shop front glass window at the ground level and peek in. Perhaps it was an art store. There are lots of windows that let in light in this house. Now I am ready to go for a morning ride on the motorcycle to take picture. I notice I am near a river. I go down the path. Then I see some tree stumps hanging out near the path, dead logs really, laying down. I stop to take pictures of them. I am very artistically intent. The man follows, watching, pleased with me. I see a bright blotch of golden sunlight diffused with ducks flying up and I swing around and snap pictures. There will be beautiful pictures. I go on, more confident with my driving ability. I get to the small coastal town I now live in. I wander around looking at the shops." }, { "number": "2394", "head": "02/20/93", "content": "I am remembering to be a para in a wheelchair so I'll be able to use the dream experience to help me write the Disney movie. I sit in the chair and feel what it's like to push it with my hands, a sports chair. I am going across a bridge, a long one over a huge river and it is now a boat. And as I move down the sidewalk, it is going up and down in the waves. I hang onto the grid metal grating very hard. Each wave brings me down closer to the water. I back up a bit, and the next wave gets me closer to the water. Finally, I am over my head and under water. I hold my breath. Finally, we reach land. I get off and go find a place to stay. I share a tiny apartment with some other people. There are no bathtub or shower facilities there. I'll have to shower at school. I am annoyed at my roommates. One is a stupid young innocent college age girl who follows around the big, handsome, self-centered young man, who is quite willing to take advantage of her and make love to her and then dump her. I am angry at them both. I go into a tiny bathroom and pee. It is 1 o'clock in the morning and I need sleep because tomorrow is the first day of school. Then I wake up and we immediately head on out, looking for a bus. I see a street, N. 4th. It's a city like Dover. We go to the street. Someone says, \"Go to the right, there's a mall.\" But I look to the left and see a bus station stop. I go in that direction as I hear one of my roommates whine he was hungry and would have wanted to get something to eat while he waited for the bus. I pass a popcorn stand and think, he can eat that. Now I am balancing, walking, on a curb of a skinny sidewalk. I feel kind of proud I can do this balancing act. Nobody particularly notices. I get to the bus stop and see two oddly dressed people miming and holding out brochures. I joke with my roommate out loud, teasing the people. I say, \"Oh, look, here are some strange people that want our attention. I'm going to ignore them.\" They shrug and we pass. Then I realize they are the people with the bus route information and say, \"Oh look, they had what I wanted and I walked right by.\" I go back and get a bus route book off a counter. I see a woman in a wheelchair and she works for the bus. I ask the way to the college. She says, \"There's a map over here. I see it but it is really high up for a person in a wheelchair to see well. I notice I have a bunch of file folders I don't need, old booklets of the disability unit at the community college, Xmas craft project instructions, a satin angel ornament. etc. I try to sort them out, and only take the stuff I need for college today. I now have a huge bag of yarn and a half knitted thing on double point needles. The woman says, \"Is this yours?\" I say, \"It wasn't, but I guess I'll take it.\" Then the woman points out a fat woman in an old manual chair in line for the bus. She says, \"Too bad, that one really smells\" (hasn't taken a bath for a while). She'll probably take the seat on the bus and I'll have to wait for another one. I look at my watch. It's noon. I still have time, but I am feeling frustrated and concerned and burdened down with all this stuff I'm carrying. I wonder if there is a locker there nearby where I can store some of this until I get back from class." }, { "number": "2395", "head": "02/22/93", "content": "I enter a store, on the second level. I pass through a gauntlet of disability activists picketing the store. I pass through them and notice a balcony rail and go to look over and down at the main floor. It is teeming with people. I've never seen such a crowd. I ask someone what's happening. They say it's a sale. I say, \"It must be one heck of a sale to get people to push and shove and force their way in.\" They say, \"It is.\" I think, \"I'd never get myself in there, so why even try?\" Then I realize the sale is happening on this floor too. Maybe I'll find something here, where it's not so crowded. I find a yarn department and see the prices are really good. A knitting needle that costs $1.25 is a $1 off. I think of stocking up. I look for rug yarn kits, for hooked rugs, or needlepoint kits. There's not much left. I wonder if I could get a freezer, if they are on this floor." }, { "number": "2396", "head": "02/23/93", "content": "A woman is slowly taking over my life and I am not really aware of this. She is outside making friends with my neighbors, and I am in the house, just hanging out. I start noticing she is moving in on my life and am annoyed but lethargic. Then I see her with my memory scrapbook and she is looking at it like it's hers. She decides to burn it. She puts it on a fire outside and I struggle to get up and go there to put out the fire. Now I'm angry at her and have finally made a move to defend my stuff (my life). I try to put out the fire and pull the scrapbook out of the flames. It is smoldering, but most of it is still intact. Now the woman is diabolical, crazed and taking over huge chunks of my life. I don't know if I can stop her, because I waited so long. I let her do it until there was hardly anything left I could own or control. I am back in the house, still fighting a lethargic mood. She's got nearly everything now and I see she's about to leave me in the house, alone with a crazed, evil man. I finally fight. \"No,\" I say, \"not that.\" I rush to the door to try and get out." }, { "number": "2397", "head": "02/23/93", "content": "A nice man, large, like my cousin Lenny, is the president of a political club. He invites me to come to the meeting. He's explaining the facts to me. There are two women and two men who are going to vote on this issue. They are against the nice man's ideas. As we are discussing the ideas, and the man is writing on a blackboard, he makes some reference to Arkansas. The woman says, \"I wish people wouldn't do that. I'm an Arkan, and I'm not stupid.\" She has long, braided hair and a long dress, sort of pioneer woman/hippie style. The two men are trying to convince everyone about their side of the issue. I suddenly say, \"Let's vote now.\" The man agrees and we surprisingly win. Only the two men vote against us. Well, that was easy! So the man invites me into the next room for the dinner he had prepared as refreshments for the group. I say, \"Maybe I'll take a look,\" but most stuff has sugar in it. I see eggs, fried, corn meal breads, biscuits, and so on. I compliment the man on his cooking skills. He is pleased. A woman on my right says something about marriage. I say I was already married once. I go sit down and my mother is there. She says, \"This reminds me of when I was young and I inherited $1400. My father says, \"You mean in stained glass.\" She says, \"No, in money.\"" }, { "number": "2398", "head": "02/24/93", "content": "Nate is there and he's aware that I won't have a relationship with him when he is still drunk. Lucy and I are doing a play together and we are talking about the difficult parts. I say to someone, \"Yes, there are some sexy parts, and the action parts we'll just tell. I'll tell the stage directions.\" Rochelle is there in a small car scooter-like wheelchair. Her hair is very pretty, groomed nicely." }, { "number": "2399", "head": "02/25/93", "content": "I decide to take a nap in a pickup truck cab, with the door open. I am on the passenger side and laying on my tummy, facing the back of the cab, my left leg hanging out the open door. Some woman is with me. I look up and see that we are moving and I recognize we are in M City. Somehow while I was napping, we drove to M City. I sit up, now in the driver's seat and try to hit the brakes; they do not respond well. I steer us into a left turn, as if toward the M City house. I get out. I see Aunt Elaine and Suzanne as a child. I don't want to greet Aunt Elaine at first, but she sees me and invites me into her apartment. I go in and look around. It looks nice. I notice the padded upholstery walls and say, \"My mother told me about that.\" I quip, \"Just right for the mad house. You can bounce off the walls.\" She shows me the kitchen. I ask how Uncle Lionel is. I see him coming in. She says, \"He's not doing well.\" I look. His cancer is getting very bad. She is fixing his medicine in the kitchen, saying she wished she could give him a really big dose so he would die. This was a loving and humane thought. She goes out to the living room and I pick up the plastic dose cup which is quite large and taste the medicine, which is the color and consistency of honey. I realize I'm tasting lethal stuff and spit it out, spitting many times to get it out of my mouth. I hope I didn't take in enough to kill me or make me ill. I go into the living room." }, { "number": "2400", "head": "02/26/93", "content": "I am in a wheelchair and going down a sidewalk. There is a man in a wheelchair that is like the deli man, mentally retarded and nonverbal. He wants to talk to me. I stop and listen while he sort of mumbles or something and I somehow figure out what he's saying. He's asking me where I'm going and what I do. I say I'm a teacher, which intimidates him. I go on, leaving him behind, knowing he would like to connect with me, but I sure don't want to connect with him. I am going to catch a bus. I get to the bus. It is tall and forbidding. The doors are closed. I rap on the door and say, \"Lift\" or \"wheelchair.\" He finally opens the door. A strange stretcher-like thing comes out and we zip up; I am positioned and he starts driving. I think, \"Hey, I'm not tied down,\" and then realize this is a very modern and wonderful bus. I am tied down automatically. I look out the window and am amazed at the very modern high tech things I see, monorail trails, and realize I'm on one too. We curve this way and that and once I notice I can see ahead where there are no rails, but we are going that way and I wonder how we can do that. I must be in the future. Big red sleek trains pass us. This is the way of the future. I have my yellow writing desk pad on my lap and a telephone. Some man sits to my left. I ignore him as I continue with my business. Then I want to put my things away, I put them in a cubby hole locker thing on the wall to my right. I stuff them in. I now have two small blue fanny packs and they both have lots of money in them and I put them in, noticing the man is watching. I hope he isn't going to steal the money when I nap. I zip up the compartment. It has two zippers, one on each side. Then the man wants to talk to me and I grab him by the throat and say, \"Leave me alone.\" This really scares him and he gets up and goes to sit in the lap of the train driver like a scared little boy as I or a sort of narrator says, \"Naw, he's not scared.\" It's funny. Then a little girl sits next to me, on my left. She wants my attention. Then I see a sort of scene where the daddy comes home and the child is delighted to have him there because it's someone else to play with and relate to. It was getting old just having the mommy around. She got grumpy. He's in the bathroom, taking off his pants, presumably to take a bath or get ready for bed. Now I have the little girl who wants to curl up on my lap and I try to ignore her. Then I realize she feels sad and neglected. I take her in my lap, remembering how it felt to hold my girls when they were little, like 2 or 3 years old. I pat her on the butt and leg gently as a way to comfort her. I look out the window and see a blue woodpecker or blue jay in a pond of water and other pretty sights of wilderness (a tamed city kind of wilderness)." }, { "number": "2401", "head": "03/01/93", "content": "I see my little boy baby, he's maybe a 1 and a half years old. He's been playing with some people. He comes over to me and crawls into my arms. I hold him and hug him. My daughter Paulina is there also, and she is a young girl. It feels good to have them there with me. He needs lots of attention and loving. Then I am in a passenger side of a car and Paulina and her husband Lance are in the back. We're going to the coast for a vacation. Suddenly Lance is washing my hair. I am startled and say, \"You'll get my clothes wet.\" Then I remember I had forgotten to pack my clothes and pills. I was so busy attending to the children I forgot to pack for myself. I am a bit embarrassed. I don't want Lance and Paulina to be embarrassed and concerned that they will be traveling with a person in a suit of sweats that are wet from the hair washing. I get the feeling that Lance washed my hair to sort of force me gently into changing my sloppy attire so they won't be embarrassed by my appearance. I assure them I can stop off at a store and buy a couple of outfits. \"We can go to Goodwill,\" I say, thinking of saving money. I remember I can go to a pharmacist and get a few pills to tide me over." }, { "number": "2402", "head": "03/02/93", "content": "I go to a doctor and I step on a scale. It hums and whirs and is not laying flat on the floor and I wonder if that will make a false reading of my weight. I weigh 151 pounds. This is too much and I know I must lose weight. Ellie is around with a husband like Lance. I try different foods they have prepared. I discover they aren't as bad as I thought." }, { "number": "2403", "head": "03/03/93", "content": "I am in a basement and there are two men around and somehow they are letting in this plant which if it touches me will envelope me and I will die. It comes for me. I back away, perhaps screaming and saying, \"NO NO NO.\" It wraps around me and is sucking me dry. I wake up in terror and don't want to go back to sleep." }, { "number": "2404", "head": "03/04/93", "content": "Millie is looking at a rack of my clothes. She sees a jacket she had let me use and she wants it back. I say, \"No problem. I never wear it anyway.\"" }, { "number": "2405", "head": "03/04/93", "content": "Lydia is being naive and making mistakes like a person with a learning disability would. I feel a little embarrassed for her. I kind of don't want to be associated with her." }, { "number": "2406", "head": "03/04/93", "content": "I am in a small boat in the huge ocean and we are in trouble. I think Howard is with me. We are on a boat lane and larger things go by, nearly swamping us. They are so big they don't see us waving or hear us yelling for help. A boat goes by towing like a water skier, a car. I think that is strange. Now I am dumped out of our boat and am struggling to stay afloat. I am in front of a boat and I wave. Finally they see us and rescue us. Now the boat is a truck and my office supplies are in it, including my manila envelopes I send scripts in. Someone, a female, perhaps Millie, is moving the things into the house. I reluctantly agree they should be there, but I don't want them to clutter up the place. Now we have to move where I keep my things. I have an ironing board with cubby holes under it where I am putting some of the envelopes. Another library table is against the wall. I pace. Howard is in the house. I open the window and look out. I lean out. I want out. I take in the fresh air. Now I go to the other end of the room and lean out another window. It is a full floor up from another room in the house. Nothing is in the room. I realize as I'm leaning that I am laying on a sliding drawer that is going full out and suddenly it slides right out and the drawer and I are falling the full floor down. I hope I won't get hurt. I land and it is painful but I am OK. I am shocked I did that. I realize it was partially suicide. Howard comes into the room and I tell him what just happened. He does not even acknowledge he heard. He turns and walks back into the room he was in. I follow him, screaming, \"I hate that. I hate it when you don't respond!\" He ignores me. I go back upstairs to my room and notice the drawer is gone on that window so I can't do it again. I pace, upset. Howard is moving me out." }, { "number": "2407", "head": "03/05/93", "content": "I have two students and I tell them to get ready for the party. I go to my bedroom and go to my closet to choose a very sexy dress, because I intend to seduce the male student. I open the right side door and see many fancy dresses, prom dresses, nice looking suits etc. I choose a two-piece suit with a very low cut blouse. I put it on and it is very tight and forces my boobs up. I feel fully packed and firm. White suit, red blouse. I go out to the living room. I have a sort of wimpy, but nice, husband. I go to the front door to greet the guests. They are all high-powered lawyer type men. They come in. I flirt strongly with one of them. An older man doesn't think I'm a good wife. He comments. I walk purposefully across the room, grab him by his suit lapels and stick my face in his. I say very firmly, if not menacingly, \"I have a Ph.D., I have an IQ of ___ (very high), I'm a damn good lawyer and so why shouldn't I be what I am. My husband understands this and gets out of my way\" (meaning it is a good balanced relationship). Even so, I still deliberately go after this other man with the intent of having sex with him. We dive into a swim pool, fully dressed in our party clothes. He and I are in a far corner talking and he starts to get pushy and rough. I realize I'm in \"over my head\" and have made a wrong decision. My husband is truly a nice man and why am I messing with this other guy? I swim away from him to return to my husband." }, { "number": "2408", "head": "03/06/93", "content": "I am seated in a row boat which is on its boat trailer on land. Howard is there. Dovre is too. Dovre takes my crutches and goes around deliberately falling down in front of people so they will rush to her thinking she is a crippled girl and pick her up. I am embarrassed that she would do this. I watch her do it; she's in a dress and she falls. The people rush over, all in sympathy. Dovre is grinning and playing it up. I shrug and think, \"Well, if that's what she wants to do, but I'd never do that. I can't believe she would do it.\" Then suddenly the boat starts rolling down the steep hill. I hang on and say to Howard, \"What's happening?\" He says, \"I don't know.\" He peeks over the edge of the boat and looks at the wheels. I say, \"This thing is running away. This could be dangerous.\" He starts to get out to pull it to a stop. I lean this way and that to give it direction, to steer it. I do it well and he pulls it and I turn it so that it must go uphill, which finally brings it to a stop. I say to Howard, \"I did that. Didn't I do that well? I think I did that well.\" He says, \"Oh yeah, that was OK.\" I really want him to compliment me. He's his usual noncommittal self. Now we start pushing it back up the hill. I am still in it and I ask him if he wants me to get out so it won't be so heavy to push. As he is deciding if he wants me to get out, another woman gets in, expecting a ride up the hill. I say, \"Hey, we have to get out. I'm getting out too.\" She says, \"Well, if you're getting out, then I suppose so.\" She is reluctant to move. I get out and now I am climbing up a narrow shaft of stairs. I know this is hard to do and I am thankful the shaft is so narrow that I can lean my back against the wall of one side as I walk up the stairs, or I would fall, it is so steep. I place one hand on the next step up and pull myself up one step at a time. Finally I find the top. I can't pull myself up the last step and I call out for help. \"Help, help,\" I call. People laugh and refuse to help me. \"I have trouble walking,\" I say. They sneer. I finally manage to pull myself up and I stand, brushing away the dust on my knees. I see an open room, a sort of classroom where people are seated and I say to them, \"That's one more karma for you.\" They sneer and laugh at me. I walk on, trying to get back to where we'd started. I see a poster on the ground. It says Andrea and Mel Torme. I think I'm in a Mexican village." }, { "number": "2409", "head": "03/07/93", "content": "Ellie and I are using someone's apartment to receive important mail, but without their permission. Ellie hired a taxi driver to park and wait for us, then she put on a fake gray beard, a long one, and went up to get the mail (like Social Security checks or something). She comes out and she pays the taxi driver who held the parking spot for her. The next time, we go up together. We are in the apartment when unexpectedly the family returns. We are embarrassed and worried and try to leave as quickly as we can. They don't seem to care or notice anything is unusual about strangers being in their apartment. We leave quickly before they figure it out. I go to an elevator, and Ellie says they are only displays. They don't really work. They are like snack vending machines. Now we have to go down the stairs and there are 66 flights of stairs. We start going down. It's a long and difficult walk." }, { "number": "2410", "head": "03/07/93", "content": "I am standing on the stage and playing a trumpet. I have an unusual style of playing the low notes that makes my playing unique. It just happens to be the way I can play, but people love it. I play a song called Love is a ____, some sort of sad thing, as an encore. I love the sounds of the warm applause and bask in it, knowing it's a form of love and there is no one for me after the show, but somehow that's OK. There is a talk with audience members after the show in the downstairs Studio One room." }, { "number": "2411", "head": "03/08/93", "content": "Some cousins and I go down a hall to see a small cubicle at the end of the hall where my parents have moved some of their things to store. They have put up pictures on the wall and knick knacks and it's like a tiny, crowded living room. Their regular living quarters are a long way back down this hall. I guess they needed extra storage space. I look at the pictures. I see one and pick it up off the sort of \"plate holder\" contraption holding it up. I then see the holder is a series of figurines my mother had made years ago. One is the wicked witch of the west, out of clay like her little pilgrims she made. I see it is her face on the little figure. I laugh. I show it to my cousins. My father is there. I ask when was it we went to Disneyland. She says the first time was years ago, I'd just had one of the babies and I wanted to go, but I was in a lot of pain and they didn't want to release me from the hospital. I said, \"Really? I thought we only went once when I was in high school.\" She says, \"No, after the babies, we went.\" I say, \"After the girls, huh?\" Then I remember there was me and then two boys and then Lydia. I say, \"What did you do?\" She says I told her (the nurse) I always fight for who I am. My father said, in response to my repeated question, what did you do? that \"She nursed her,\" meaning the nurse nursed her to ease the pain (meaning somehow removing milk from breasts). Now I go into a tiny room next to this tiny room, which is Dovre's bedroom. I am looking at the shelves of boxing gloves and things like that she has. She's in the armed services. Three men from her unit come in. One is a black man. He says to her -- my back is to him as I'm looking at all this sports equipment -- he says, \"I'd like to talk to you, Fever, alone, in private.\" I say, \"Well, then I'd best give you some space to be private, FEVER.\" They step out of the room, expecting Dovre to follow. I say, \"No, I'll step out, it's your room after all.\" I go out. I tell my parents of the incident, only this time my mother is white and my father is black. Or maybe they are Dovre's parents. They look worried like maybe she'll choose a black husband, because that's what she had as a father (Dovre looked completely white.) Now we've moved on somewhere, and are walking. A woman is standing by the path, gesturing to us to look. Dovre says in awe, \"She's dripping in gold.\" She has a number of gold chain necklaces on she is trying to sell. This completely fascinated Dovre. I feel her being drawn away to this. I am worried. Now it's sort of cowboy days. The black men come back and harass us. He says, \"Go ahead, hit me.\" I say, \"No, I won't because that's what you expect.\" Now he's grabbed me and holding me close to him belligerently. My knee is right up against his balls. He says, \"Go ahead, kick me in the balls.\" I'm tempted but say, \"No, that's what you expect.\" I then push him down on the ground somehow and say, \"But I will eat your face off,\" and begin to bite him ferociously. This surprises him and it hurts him and (I think I got him down by stepping on his foot hard with stiletto heels). Now he's not protecting his balls so I knee him there. Just as I thought, he had a plastic protector on. He laughs and says, \"See, no balls.\" I say, \"I knew that.\"" }, { "number": "2412", "head": "03/08/93", "content": "I am rehearsing a play and asking the dancer, actors to do a bit where they line up against the wall and dance. They do it, but I see they are invisible through the entire dance until the last musical riff, and then I see sparkly lights where their feet are, and then I see them materialize. I do this several times, really mystified as to why I can't see them. Then I realize, \"Oh, black light.\" I then run and look up on the ceiling and see a small light fixture and know that's where the black light is coming from. I say pointedly to the people in the production booth up by the ceiling, which I cannot see, \"Hey, wiggle the light up and down.\" They don't. Now I go stomping across the floor, I gather up papers and head for the boss's office. I snag a woman actress, I yell up at the producers, \"Get down here now, we're having a meeting. I'm going to blow the whistle.\" We get to the boss's office. I hear him in there talking to someone. A young man comes in and I say, \"The other one too.\" He goes back out the door to get him. I glower at the young woman. The man returns with another young man and I say, \"OK, him too, but I really meant Merle.\" \"Really?\" says the guy, surprised, \"I thought sure you'd want Bob, what with our outrageous ways of producing.\" I say, \"Get Merle. Merle. (Rob Reiner) comes in. He says, \"What's up?\" I lean into him as he sits on a table top and say ominously, \"Someone's going to be out of a job.\" He assumes it's him and gets up saying, \"Might as well take a walk.\" He leaves. I realize then he misunderstood and thought I was accusing him. I hope he comes back. The boss comes out and I say to him, \"I want a few minutes of your time, it is important, very important, underline important!\" He agrees and says, \"Just a minute.\" He leaves, I assume to the bathroom. I realize I need to pee and lay my papers down and say, \"I'll be right back.\" I go out to the hall and see a door to the right. It has a long metal stick for easy wheelchair access on the door. The word Jail is printed on the door. I wonder what that means. I go in to pee and then I wake up, thinking, \"Might as well not bother, I need a real toilet.\"" }, { "number": "2413", "head": "03/13/93", "content": "Lucy Ball and Desi Arnez are very, very old and she is wrinkled. I see a closeup of her face. She has heavy oldness makeup on. Her nose is like the gnarled, twisted juniper tree trunk in shape. Her eyes are very human and sad as they peer through the makeup. Then I see a second pair of eyes, small and close set under that sad pair. I wonder which pair is really her. The gist of the feelings is that they really still love each other and are trying to get back together." }, { "number": "2414", "head": "03/14/93", "content": "Valerie is very pregnant and we are talking. I am stirring something I am cooking for the little girl. It is boiling and frothy. I decide to pour in some cold water and when I do, the level of the froth sinks and it is now just a small amount of stuff (like oatmeal) on the bottom of the pan. Valerie is now very upset with me. She says this will cause her to lose the baby. She thinks I did this to make her lose the baby, the metaphor being her belly all big and round then becoming flat and empty like the concoction in the pan. I am sad and cry; I beg her to believe me. I didn't do it to harm her baby. I was trying to make this good thing to eat and it just worked out that way. I put my hands on her arms to reassure her. She pulls away from me angrily. I cry and cry. I follow her, begging her to believe me." }, { "number": "2415", "head": "03/14/93", "content": "I am in an elevator and can't seem to make the thing go where I want it to go. I push a button and we go up or down but I never seem to get to the bottom floor which is where I'm headed. The floor of the elevator is a metal plate that on one floor is securely bolted down and on another floor slides over to another part of the elevator. I get out and ask directions. I go back in and finally get it down to where I need to go. A man comes in. I ask him where the hydrodrone, no the hydro, the water therapy is. He says, \"Right down the hall.\" I say, \"Do I turn to the left?\" He says yes. He walks with me. I see a young girl throwing a temper tantrum. I know she won't get what she's after because she's being so dramatic about it. Then I lay down on the floor and sob and sob. I feel very sad. He lays down to comfort me. I am in a sexy black outfit with garters and lace and am in a fetal position, butt in air. The man is obviously attracted to me and that is why he consoles me. I wonder if I won't get what I need because I'm making such an emotionally big deal of it. He assures me this is different. I really am feeling the feelings and therefore it's OK to express them." }, { "number": "2416", "head": "03/09/93", "content": "I am in a large meeting room. The dream group is there and we are sort of reading a handout about dream work. I find it very interesting. I am on a bench. We are all seated on this bench against the wall. I am on the left end. Tony comes over and squats next to me on the left side. We talk. He is saying something about a woman he likes or is considering for relationship, but there are some things she's going to have to learn if it's going to work out. He hopes she learns it because he is lonely and would like to have a relationship. I commiserate with him. I let him put his hand on my arm and am aware that I feel fairly relaxed about this close contact. I feel empathy for him as I would like a relationship also. I make a comment that I've had some dreams that are pertinent to the material we are reading and would like some help working them. The group calls on the writer of the material to come and work with us and my dreams specifically. He comes. It is Jeremy. He sits on the bench several people to my right and I realize that he has made a special trip over just to work on my material just because I requested it. I feel some guilt around that, taking up all the attention and the time. He and the group seem just fine with it. It is my problem that I am feeling guilt. So I stand to start telling some of the dream material. I turn to face the people on the bench and see at the far right end (now the left as I am facing it) a double door, open to the church area. I see a huge black spider on the door and feel queasy. I look in and see an identical spider on the yellow sign on the curtain behind the altar. This seems scary, perhaps that means there are more and closer to me. I look around and see a third one in the room with me. I see a large set of holes in the stone or cement wall at the base of the wall where they can come in." }, { "number": "2417", "head": "03/10/93", "content": "A silly-looking man and the ditsy Corkie from Murphy Brown are in a car. He's driving. Suddenly the car is going backward and he is startled. Then it goes forward again. They come to a stop and get out. She says to him, \"Why don't you go wash the bottom of that window for the owner of this gas station/store?\" It's a huge plate glass window. He grumbles and says, \"No way,\" but he does it. He has a huge window mop and sprays water on the window and washes it. I see the black dirt rinsing off and it is squeaky clean. Then she is talking about how amazing the dream was. She says, \"Why don't you do it?\" (meaning work it). He doesn't want to, it's too awesome. He does and then she says it's her turn to work it. She is going to put her foot in his hand and he will lift her up. This is working it. She says, \"OK, but where will I hold on? Oh,\" she says, \"by the roots of your hair,\" and delicately grabs the hair at the base of his neck. He says, \"Not the roots!\" because that would be painful. \"OK,\" she says. She holds her foot up, it's tiny and in a spiked heel shoe. He's standing awkwardly and this is embarrassing for them to do because it's such an intimate stance. As she is leaning forward to get balance, she accidentally kisses him on the lips. She says, \"OH! I never meant to do that. This is so embarrassing. I should have known better than to work a dream. What will my husband think?\" She then turns and walks away from him. Now I am watching as a stream of men and women come into the house and walk back to the back bedroom. They are all dream workers and can't wait to get started working the dreams. Their family members are hanging out in the living room, several laying on the couch. One man groans and says it's his brother going in there, it's so boring and weird. They are always so thrilled and excited when they are talking about what this means and that means in the dreams, like who cares! I am so amazed because I am a dreamer and want to go to the back room, but it so fascinating hearing the perspective of the significant others to the dream work -- I'd never seen this perspective before -- that I want to hang out and listen in. Ellie comes out of the room carrying bags of her stuff with her. She'd been driven out of her own bedroom because of their enthusiasm." }, { "number": "2418", "head": "03/10/93", "content": "I am in a room with something, a monster or something, and the door opens and some people leave and I decide to leave too. I dash for the door and it is shutting. I struggle to force it open as I squeeze through, nearly getting it shut on my leg. I am aware I am leaving the room too soon. I should stay and work it out with the monster and then the door would be easy to open, but I leave anyway. Now I walk down a long hall which is sloped down. There are very tall people at the end of the hall. I go down there. It is supposedly my bedroom. I go in, looking with interest at the paper clippings pasted on the door. I go in. There are ugly-looking girl/monsters in there. I don't like that much -- blue hair, ugly faces. I leave this room and walk down the hall. A strange old man follows me. I don't want him around. I pass a hall that branches off to the left. I say, \"You go there,\" meaning it's more appropriate for ugly monsters to go there. I look down the hall and shudder. I'm glad I'm not going down there. I walk straight ahead to the good room. Hasani greets me. She's going to work with me, like a counselor or masseuse. I'm glad I finally got here. We go in. I lay down on a couch/bed on top of a man. He's a stranger, there for the same reason I am." }, { "number": "2419", "head": "03/18/93", "content": "I am in a bedroom, kind of like Grandma Agnes'. I look at my breasts and notice I am wearing two bras, my normal one and a very strange one that makes me look like I'm wearing those armor breastplates Viking opera singers wear. It makes my sweater really stick out. I decide this looks silly and want to take it off. I have some trouble getting it off. Now I'm trying to do the clasp on my regular bra and notice it's been changed and I don't like that. I was used to how easy it clasped before. I am annoyed. Now my father is saying we should go see the old homestead (meaning the new house). The feeling is like we're wasting time playing around here, we need to get on to business. Now I am in a house high in the mountains. I look out the window and see a range of mountains, and see in the distance smog, brown, hanging over the mountains. I say, \"But it's not so bad,\" feeling relieved. Then I look again and see clouds of red radioactive-like stuff floating past. I see one coming near me and over the house I'm in and then it passes, but that was close, and I don't like it. I notice the bottom of the cloud looks white, clean and fluffy, and the top is red and dropping bits of the grudge off into the air." }, { "number": "2420", "head": "03/25/93", "content": "I am on stage, talking with a talk show hostess. I am seated in an armchair. I am parallel with the audience, rather than facing them. As I talk with the hostess, the audience warmly applauds my remarks. I am talking about disability awareness, people not seeing me for who I really am, but responding to the image of disability. As I realize the audience loves me, I turn a bit more toward them. The show is over and I stand and walk to the edge of the stage to take my bow. They are wildly cheering. I have to work hard to get around the posts and curtains to get to the edge of the stage. Even then the audience seems seated far back. There is lots of distance between them and me. I go off stage to the wings. Richard L and his younger brother are there, sort of my managers. One on each side, we walk out, talking about our next gig, and am surprised at the warm response of the audience." }, { "number": "2421", "head": "03/25/93", "content": "I am walking and looking for my hotel. I look ahead and see an underpass bridge of a freeway. It is huge and cement. I suddenly remember there was an earthquake yesterday and maybe it would be dangerous to pass under this huge structure. I hesitate, afraid and not wanting to be stupid and just go, regardless of danger. I watch and see that other people are walking under it and decide it must be OK, then. I walk under it and no problem. I now can't seem to find the hotel I'm going to. I walk around, looking. It should be on this block, on the right. It is yellow." }, { "number": "2422", "head": "03/30/93", "content": "I am camping out with a couple of men and their boys. The other wife didn't come, so I sit alone while the men go out hiking or something. I sit rather bored on a log or something. I lay back and notice the sky. On the left side, it is twilight and an occasional star. On the right side, is a black sky filled with stars. I wonder why that is and look back and forth at the differences. I then see on the right side that part of the difference is there are lots of cloud-like things which is the Milky Way. Now the men come back with the boys and are cutting up a big meat loaf into strips and squares to eat. I say to one of the men that I wish his wife Irene were here so I'd have someone to talk to. Then I look up in the sky again and see ducks, lots of them flying by, big adult ducks and lots of baby ducks. One duck attacks another and bites it. I realize they are very hungry. I want to feed the baby ones and get some bread and crumble it up. Some adult ducks land and eat and then a baby duck comes down and sticks to a wall. I go over to see it and notice it is a piece of cardboard folded in half and I open it to see a purple colored jewel and realize these ducks aren't born yet. This is their embryo in this jewel-like thing and they are still growing and forming. I regret having called them down and try to send them back on their way, hoping I haven't caused them any harm. [BL]" }, { "number": "2423", "head": "03/31/93", "content": "I am hanging out at school. I am with Bonnie and Mateo. We pay some money to sit in on a language class. It's a French class, I think. The kids are reciting the words and we try to join in." }, { "number": "2424", "head": "03/31/93", "content": "I see Claude coming down the stairs carrying a board and on the board is Gene D. and another JD from high school. I feel sorry for him, what a burden to have to carry. It is a hard job to do." }, { "number": "2425", "head": "03/31/93", "content": "I am still in a school and someone says they are holding the masters exam in drumming. Someone mistakes me for a Master's student and says, \"Come on, you're next.\" On a whim, I decide to try it. I wear green and yellow sweats (UO colors) and brush my hair up into a weird male pompadour hairdo. I go in, and up on stage. I bang away on chairs, drums, walls, anything around and the rhythm is quite good. I hope they don't ask me any theory questions; I wouldn't know them. I think about what a 16th note would be like. The audience loves me. They think I'm a guy and they cheer wildly for me. They are far back in the auditorium. I walk down a side ramp or stairs toward the front of the stage. I see the head of a professor, but not his body. I guess the body is behind a wooden door, partition, at the front of the stage. I am a bit arrogant. Later, I wake up and then fall back into this dream. Only this time, we are in the next morning and we have to have our pictures taken. I am wearing a sexy black strapless dress that curls provocatively over my full breasts. I look down and notice my nipples are showing and try to readjust the dress. I head for the bathroom and some woman says, \"Don't forget, don't eat or drink anything before the pictures\" (like a nurse would say before a test of some kind). I say, \"But I can go pee, right?\" She agrees. I go in and try to pee, but can't. A woman opens the door and closes it. I get up and go out, headed for the stage area. I want to hurry and get the picture over with so I can change into my drummer suit (male) and play. I again notice my nipples are showing and readjust. I think, \"Maybe I should change now. It wouldn't do for my mother to see me dressed like this.\" I joke, \"Maybe I should hold my hands like this,\" over the breasts to cover them; it looks silly. The woman comedian from the community college is there and saying she just can't do this. She's going to give up and not do a picture. I shrug, a quitter. Oh well, it's her choice." }, { "number": "2426", "head": "04/01/93", "content": "I am in bed, taking a daytime nap, curled on the bottom right corner. The bed is next to a wall with a window. I sense someone coming into the room and laying down on the bed with me. I wonder who it is and then as that person readjusts their position, I roll back into them so that we are now in spoon fashion. I know this person is a woman and wonder if it is Dora or Ellie. I feel a bit uncomfortable about it and then decide to just relax and not worry about it. What will happen will happen. She leans into me and sweetly caresses my hair and kisses me once on top my head like someone would do for a baby or a dear friend. I do not respond, but feel loved. She gets up and leaves. I sit up and look out the window and see a cafe outside and wonder what it serves to eat. It could be fun eating in a place so conveniently near home. I see bears, like Russian circus bears, and call to my daughter to come look. Now I go outside to see the bears. One comes near and rolls over as though it wanted its tummy rubbed. A woman goes over to do that. I warn her to be careful, these are bears and could still be dangerous. She rubs her scruffy, fuzzy, slippered foot on the bear, who rolls back over and growls and starts to bite her foot. She backs off, afraid. I go to distract the bear by making noises. I am aware I do not want to put myself in danger just to save her. A man passes by and pushes the bear and it goes off and away. I notice we are on a beach and the ocean looks inviting. My girls want me to be in the boat with them, and as I am trying to climb up the side of the boat to get in, they speed it up and head for deeper waters. At first it is playful and then more serious. I say over and over, \"Please wait until I get in.\" This could get dangerous. Finally I am in. They are sort of surfing with the boat. We'd go up a wave and surf down the curl. It is scary and I don't want to do it, but as it repeats, I start to get used to it and enjoy it. Then I see we're still in the bay or protected water. I look over and see the real ocean, dirty with oil drilling crews and huge, hard waves. The girls want to boat in it and I decline, saying, \"They are working here. We'd only get in the way.\" So we go on down the shoreline and then the water gets deeper and a wave comes up to my waist. I am clothed and all wet. I look behind me and see it's big waves coming. I look ahead, on down the shoreline, and see we're being funneled into a slooshing thing which could get dangerous very fast. I try to find handholds on the now high bank we are near. I wonder when the open beach became this wall of dirt and tree roots. I find a way up and call out to them. They announce they also found ways up. I crawl up, ripping out rotten boards to reveal a roadway up there I could get to. I pull and struggle to get up there because the waterway is getting very scary and dangerous." }, { "number": "2427", "head": "04/01/93", "content": "I am part of a three-person gang that is going to rob something. We all have guns and are walking down a huge field, like a park or football field. Lots of plain clothes cops are around. They have us surrounded (like in Dog Day afternoon movie). One follows behind me, harassing me. I turn and threaten to shoot him, yelling at him like Al Pacino did in the movie, \"Don't come any closer, get away.\" I see men with guns drawn in front of me, backing up as I walk forward. I don't see much hope of getting through this alive. The man behind me has a rope and he tries to coil it around me and I yell at him and get away from him. I then say, \"I need to use the bathroom.\" He suggests I use the one in the room just ahead of me. I peek in and don't see a toilet. I tell him this won't work. I leave the room. My two accomplices are off somewhere doing their part of the robbery. I then go off somewhere and put on a disguise. I am aware of how close the trigger is to being pulled. I worry I'll accidentally pull it and hurt somebody. The trigger is warped or melted in an odd shape. I see one of my accomplices and ask what I'm supposed to be doing. He says, \"Get the wire cutters and cut the fence.\" I say, \"Near the van?\" He says, \"Yes.\" I go there, realizing the disguise is working. I could just walk out of there, but they catch my two friends, so I give myself up to be with them. I feel a little sad." }, { "number": "2428", "head": "04/03/93", "content": "I am in a house and the little boy is playing with lots of war toys. I decide this is not good and I go into his room and start to destroy the toys (millions of little black plastic soldiers) by stepping on them. That's too much work, so I think them all away. The little boy is upset with me. I know he'll get over it and find more wholesome toys to enjoy later. Now a neighbor lady comes by to visit. Then I go down the hall and into another room. I hear someone calling to me and I look into yet another room. A tiny fuzzy black and yellow caterpillar is talking to me. He says, \"I know what I want from you.\" I say, \"What?\" He says, \"Allocates and a movie.\" I think that's a great idea. We can give each other allocates and feel good. He says, \"Look at this.\" I look and he causes his furry head top to bush out. I laugh, it's so cute. He does it again. This time I say, \"Wait, let me feel it.\" I reach down and put my hand on his head and wait. He bushes out again and I laugh. It tickles and is soft. Then I go into another room, thinking it's been awhile since we've done anything special together to feel good. Then I hear him saying to another woman, \"What I want from you is a good cooked meal.\" I feel jealous. He didn't ask that from me. Then I know this is fine because he can get what he wants from different people and each can give their best thing, and no one gets overly strained." }, { "number": "2429", "head": "04/04/93", "content": "I am somewhere in a house and someone, maybe a dad, comes in and asks why aren't I already out there, maybe going swimming. And I say, \"Maybe I'm afraid to go out there.\" I am sort of like Goldie Hawn in a weird black swim suit that has long legs like those running shorts. I say, \"I can't go out in this.\"" }, { "number": "2430", "head": "04/04/93", "content": "I am in a house and a weird, surreal thing goes on. A man and his wife and their son live there. I am visiting. There are two bedrooms and I open one and see the son in there and I open the next one and the son says, \"Look.\" I look on the bed and I see a shark fin cutting a circle like out of an iceberg. \"Shark,\" I yell. The son peeks in and we see a baby alligator. I say, \"I hope he doesn't get out.\" I look under the bed to see if he's crawling out that way. I leave the room. The wife, sort of Goldie Hawn-like, has her back to me and the husband comes up and playfully tries to kiss me. I am concerned. Did the wife see? This isn't right. I pull away (the dream ego is observing all this). I walk away. Now the man is sort of crazed and he goes into the first bedroom. The wife says, \"We have to kill him.\" She hands me a rifle. She has one. We go into the room. He's in a chair (sort of like Merle's wheelchair and sort of a tank). He has a rifle and raises it to shoot me. I take aim and fire. I blow a hole in the chair and in him about belly or thigh height. He screams in pain. He then aims at me to shoot. I fire again and again. He keeps coming. I wonder if I ever had bullets. I start to run toward the door. He and the son come around to get me and as I make it to the door, I see them coming right at me. The only thing to do is to die. I hope it doesn't hurt too much when he rolls over me. He comes and I go under and I am completely pulverized. The purple gunk that is left over of me flops in the track of the chair/tank. It's kind of gruesome. My consciousness observes all this. The family won. Husband, wife, and son were all in this together." }, { "number": "2431", "head": "04/04/93", "content": "I am talking with someone like Frank from Murphy Brown. I say with regret, \"I had the shortest relationship of my life. We met thursday night and by Friday night, it was over, but at least I had some (meaning sex).\" They commiserate with me. I look outside to see the other people all grouped together in two large groups. The group on the left is Palestinians, Jews and European whites. The one on the right has disabled people, people of color, etc. I say to the leader of this conference, \"I want us to do a circle dance and I want to lead it,\" because I notice that we are still grouping with people we have some knowledge of and not opening up to people who are different. So I go out to organize it. The leader thinks it's a good idea, but doesn't particularly want me to lead it. Maybe I should just be in it, not lead it. I walk around telling people to connect with others that are very different from them. A Ted Turner kind of man comes up to me and says he prefers fat people. I think, \"Yeah, that's considered different too.\" He goes on. Then he comes back and says, \"Are you fat?\" I hesitate and say, \"Well, overweight, some, yeah.\" He decides to stay by me in the circle, which makes me a bit nervous. He might like me. I am wearing jeans and walking and look pretty fit and in good shape." }, { "number": "2432", "head": "04/06/93", "content": "It is Halloween and I have lots of costumes and clothes on a rack. A man is looking at them and I go over and flirtatiously go through the clothes as I make my way toward him. He then doesn't seem too interested. A small girl and her mother see a lovely white brocade or satin two-piece suit of mine and hold it up to the girl to see if she wants to wear it for her costume. I feel a bit upset as it's my actual clothes and pretty, and then I see that when it is on the little girl, it is a costume. I then go to a coffee table and pick up some cards to show a small boy. They are Valentine cards and cute. Then as I arrange them, I sing \"Oh Holy night\" My voice is beautiful and I get confused with the melody of \"Oh, Silent Night.\" I say, \"Look at the beautiful stars.\" I look out the window like it's the M City front window and see a mass of stars with patterns. I realize I'm looking at an ornate design my mother made and put up as decoration. I try to look beyond it and see a dark, natural sky with just a few stars." }, { "number": "2433", "head": "04/06/93", "content": "A woman kneels in front of me. She has a power drill and she is going to drill a hole in my belly button. I get scared it will hurt and she looks up at me like, \"What a scaredy cat!\" I had seen a demo and knew it didn't hurt anyone, but I still could not relax and believe it wouldn't hurt." }, { "number": "2434", "head": "04/07/93", "content": "Some object that has the letters ABC on it goes underwater, back where it belongs." }, { "number": "2435", "head": "04/07/93", "content": "I am driving a van or VW bus and decide to park it on the side of the road. It is snowy there and I try different spots. Finally I park it in a deep snow bank and then change my mind. That was a mistake because I'd get stuck. I drive it to a less snowy area near the edge of the road. I get out and start walking. Somewhere in the dream I choose to wear black, sexy clothes with a low cut bodice to show off my pretty breasts." }, { "number": "2436", "head": "04/07/93", "content": "I am mediating between a father and his teen daughter. I'm on her side. She chooses a strange outfit to wear that the father does not approve of. I ask him what his expectations are because he is expecting her to meet his expectations. I say, \"What's so wrong with what she's wearing?\" He is disgusted with me for not obviously seeing the consequences she will face wearing these clothes. I say, \"Well, those are her consequences. She will have to face them.\" She also plays dumb to get us to do her homework for her. I realize the father and I have slipped into this trap. I say to her, \"You will have to do your own work now. If you choose not to, then you live with it.\"" }, { "number": "2437", "head": "04/08/93", "content": "I am in an attic room and this man is coming to harm me. I must hide. There isn't any place to hide, but I see a pile of clothes and newspapers and burrow under them. I think this is pretty obvious and worry he'll find me quickly. He comes in, tall and big and scary. He looks for me. He stands right next to the clothes. I lay there motionless, hoping. Then as he turns his back, I slide even further down until I'm under the floorboards in a tiny layer between two levels of flooring, again in a tiny, confining space, a box, a coffin. He looks out the window, wondering if I had gone out on the roof and decides I wouldn't do that; too scary. He leaves to go look for me downstairs. I go out the window and up on the roof. It is scary and high. I see a neighbor and mouth to them, \"Get the fire department,\" thinking they could rescue me. I worry they'll come too close, not understanding me, and he'll get that I'm on the roof before help arrives." }, { "number": "2438", "head": "04/08/93", "content": "I have sex with a man. It is driving and many orgasms, but there is no sense of sexual pleasure. Even the orgasms are simply painfully sharp waves that force their way through my abdomen." }, { "number": "2439", "head": "04/08/93", "content": "I am now married to the bad man. We've had sex and now a child. There is actually some pleasantness around the marriage and family scene, although I am amazed I can feel anything but repugnant and displeasure around him when I remember the past." }, { "number": "2440", "head": "04/09/93", "content": "I am in bed next to Merle and we sweetly hold hands and talk like friends. I get up to get ready to go to the beach with Ellie. I'm choosing what to wear. Later I am standing in a bookstore in France, and a man stands near me. I really like him and it is mutual. We are like lovers before we really become lovers, that warm beginning of a love relationship. We look into each others' eyes and smile. He shows me where the small section of books in English are. We are in the political (said in French) section of the store. I say, \"I'll be curious to know what they consider political.\" I laugh at the book I look at. \"This is political??\" We stroll on down the aisle. He and his business partner are going to buy this place. I look around and say, \"We could rent out these spaces and people could build gardens and we could gain from their labor.\" It all seems fair and equitable. We provide the space and they pay a rent. We go into another room. I ask where the freezer room is. He points it out to me. I look in. It is empty and cold as a freezer room should be. I am pleased. I say, \"They can buy a half a beef from us and pay us to cut it and wrap it and freeze it here.\" I see stairs and we walk up to the second floor. It is only partly done, partitions marked on the floor where the previous owner wanted to build. He's run out of money and declared bankruptcy. That's why we can move in and buy a good bargain so well. Our money and energy will finish the project. I feel a bit sad for him, but maybe he can join with us in some way to be a part of this project. The other man asks, as I am saying I'll do this and that with the space, \"Well, what about us? What will we get?\" I say, \"Anything you want. Name it -- what spaces -- and they are yours.\" It is a pleasant relationship." }, { "number": "2441", "head": "04/09/93", "content": "I am underground in a rock hallway, tunnel, and suddenly think, \"Oh, what if there were an earthquake and I was here. I'd be killed.\" I start to feel afraid and then I resolutely think, \"But there isn't, and let's just hope there won't be.\" I walk on. I see the stairs and the elevator and choose to walk up the stairs. It is some work, but it is OK. I get to the next floor and look in a door; I am going shopping. The door opens into a huge classroom. I peek in and think, \"Well, this isn't the store,\" and go on down the hall to the next door and look in. The store is there, aisles and aisles of products. I go in to shop." }, { "number": "2442", "head": "04/09/93", "content": "I had sent a book I wrote to the library to be copied and they sent it back. It is a big scrapbook where they cut out each page like newspaper clippings and matted each section with mats that were artistically cut in the shape of human forms lying down and fish. They added little pictures and things that enhanced the story. I am enchanted with it and show it to Ellie. I see she might be bored and I say, \"Really it will just take a moment I want you to see this. They did such a great job.\" I admire and exclaim over each page. A man comes to the door and I am happy to see him. He was responsible for getting me connected to the library and I hug him delightedly. We sort of stumble around a few steps because I am so enthusiastic. I say, \"I have to thank you and the library. I'll send them a letter of course, but I want you to see the wonderful job they did.\" I shuffle through a few pages and can't find at first the examples I'd been looking at. I see one where the prince is standing in confrontation with the spy, or the bad guy. He uses a staff that changes into a snake. It is an obvious confrontation of good and evil. The next picture shows the spy on a cloud, a mushroom cloud up in the sky, and I laugh and say, \"Obviously, they all saw Aladdin!\" Their spy looks like from the Disney Aladdin movie. I say, \"Look at the base of the waterfall,\" then I look again and say, \"No I didn't have a waterfall in my story. It's a mushroom cloud.\" The pages are in those plastic sheet protector things and in a notebook like my Evangeline stuff. The rings have fallen open and some of the pages are out of sequence and not securely in place. I'll have to fix that later." }, { "number": "2443", "head": "04/10/93", "content": "I scold a man who is cold to a child. I call him manipulative. I say, \"This is painful to the child.\"" }, { "number": "2444", "head": "04/11/93", "content": "I am in a wheelchair and decide to go out the front door of this hotel. I open the door and a car is parked right by the door. I ask someone to help me and I get out of my chair and get into the passenger side of the car. The other person then takes the wheels off the chair and folds it and puts it in the car with me. I thank them, shut the door and now transfer over to the driver's side of the car and open that door. I pull out a tool and reach for the parts of the chair to reassemble it. I was using the car as a transition to get to the driveway so I can continue on. I realize I am making a lot of work for myself. There must be an easier way. I start to sew the button on a sweater, which is putting the wheels back on the chair, sort of. One side of the sweater is pink and the other side is blue (like reversible). The button is big, white and thick. This is going to take lots of time and energy. [BL]" }, { "number": "2445", "head": "04/12/93", "content": "A man kisses and caresses me and I pull away, experiencing the painful sense of repulsion and knowing there is a deep need underneath all that. I walk away saying, \"Don't. No,\" hoping he doesn't tap into the deep well of sexual feeling and I will lose myself in it and will not be able to resist." }, { "number": "2446", "head": "04/12/93", "content": "I've moved to a new town. I do something with videos. A good-looking man named Claude who is a para wheels up. I am walking. I like him very much. He's younger than I. We keep moving positions in chairs and so on to get closer and closer. I feel so happy with him. We are talking about a video project or something, but we are really just loving being together. He goes down a ramp and I lay down on a bench next to the railing. I say, \"We start in the sea and we end in the sea. Or is it...,\" I wonder which way it goes. Then I decide we start in the sea, come up on land, traverse the hard, high mountains and during the golden years hang out on the high plateau. Then I couldn't figure out why we just didn't stay there until death, but decide we then go back downhill until we are in the sea again. That is life. We hop onto the bench and we are laying together. It is sweet, then he kisses me and I respond and it is a bit tentative like did he really mean to kiss me or are our lips just so close together, but then he hugs me and says he loves me. I say, \"I love you too.\" I am thrilled. I have a beau, someone to be with. I say, \"I have an appointment at 4 pm to pick up my van, it's being fixed. Then we can go to the party.\" He says fine, whatever, just wants to be with me. It is 3:30. I go looking for my address book to get the name, I think it's Frank, and the phone number. I'll call and maybe it's not ready and I won't have to go. I look all over. I go upstairs. It's not there. I can't remember the guy's name. I go to the kitchen after pausing to kiss my man on the way through. I look at several books in a drawer; I see a few pieces of jewelry. A woman friend comes in and I want to tell her of my wonderful happiness and good fortune. I want to think about what sexy wonderful thing to wear for the party to please him. I am starting to get frustrated about not finding the name. I see a list CoLO, the first friend I met in this town, who was also involved with video. It is because of video I met Claude, who reminds me of a young man actor I met. He is soft and sweet and maybe a bit pudgy, but not unattractively so. I love how soft he feels. I can't wait to get to the party and be with him so all my friends can see I have a love. I think to myself, \"How painful it would be if he just stopped loving me. How would I bear it?\" I fervently hope he doesn't just disappear or fall out of love with me. I am older, after all. Maybe, but then I go into the room where he is, all aglow, and he is still there. I am thrilled." }, { "number": "2447", "head": "04/12/93", "content": "I enter a classroom. It's a big room and there are only a few students, all young men and a male teacher. I sit near the door and next to the teacher. He drones on. I am annoyed and bored. The men students get real ornery and mutiny. I get up to go to the bathroom. I go in and sit. Someone comes in and tries to push open the stall door. I hold it shut and yell, \"Hey, hey.\" It's one of the men. I wonder if I went in the wrong bathroom, but I guess the men are just rambunctious and without respect. Finally I return to the classroom. A man is in my seat. I go to him and say, \"I was here before.\" He sneers. I get angry and righteous and say, \"To hell with you then.\" The teacher glares at me and says, \"ou can't come back in here because you were a part of the men's mischievous disruptions of class.\" I say to him, \"To hell with you. I simply left the room to go to the bathroom at the same time they all left.\" He said, \"You were gone one hour. I say, \"I had a little problem, OK??\" I am belligerent, and sassy, \"and furthermore, you are boring and don't know much. If you want me to stay in the dream interpretation class, you better get good.\" I go to the table where the men students are seated and it's away across the huge room. A paper comes down for me to sign, the roll call. The men all signed in funny markings to confuse the teacher. I sign my name \"Sanders\" dead center in blue ink, trying to be legitimate." }, { "number": "2448", "head": "04/13/93", "content": "I and another person, maybe a woman, perhaps Dora, are moving into a new apartment. It is small and empty of all our stuff. The wall is covered with a blue foam pad-like substance to prevent nicks and so on. The woman bumps it and causes a big hole and wrinkles it up. Now the landlords are going to be upset. The woman trowels some putty stuff into the hole and tries to straighten up the wall. I go through the door, which is glass and wood frame, to the kitchen area. We have some glasses and that's about it. I come back to the living room and shut the door, pulling a chain to shut it. Then I look out the window, which is small and a bit high up. I see we are on the shore of a huge body of water. The waves are big and choppy. I see lots of high-rise apartment buildings along the shore. It's not all that pretty. As I watch the waves, a huge one comes up and splashes on the window. I am surprised. Another one does so. \"Hey, we need to move,\" I say. The woman doesn't agree, \"We just got here, and our furniture isn't here and it will be fine.\" I am adamant. I cry out, startled. She says, \"What?\" I say, \"Never mind.\" I thought I saw a huge wave, but it was just a big building across the way. Another wave hits. Water splashes inside a bit. \"This will ruin everything inside,\" I say. We have to move. So we do. She is reluctant. I am now traveling down a skinny, curvy road toward the town in a van or VW bus. On one curve we are going too fast and we nearly run off the embankment and crash, but we don't. I scream for a second and then calm down. I hope the next car in our caravan doesn't crash on that corner." }, { "number": "2449", "head": "04/13/93", "content": "I am in a living room with a women's group, like Merton Circle. I get up and go to the kitchen for a snack. I put a tea bag in a glass of boiling water and let it steep a long time. The other women come in and offer to help me. I refuse their help because I am doing fine. I go into another room and there is a baby. I touch her hair and it's coarse and nappy. Someone says, \"That's an Asian baby,\" and I say, \"No, black.\" I then look and see she has Asian slant eyes. I amend my opinion and think she is Asian with an American soldier black father. I like the baby and play with her and pat her hair. Now Dwight comes to me and says he's drunk, so he won't help drive home tonight. I realize that means it's my father and me and I feel tired. I feel a bit resentful, but I'm also glad he was up front about his condition. Dwight then says, \"I was supposed to go over to Sonja's house and look at the stairs, to see if I can fix them, but they aren't home. Should I go in anyway?\" He is hesitant. I go out and look over to her house. Aunt Esther comes over and says, \"Go ahead, go on in.\" I open a door and go from room to room, very pleased with what I see. Each room is unusual in shape and design. There is hardly any furniture, like the 1950's abstract shapes. There are long, curved rooms with panels of breezy curtains. I see a door with a number on it like this was once an office building. I hesitate and Esther says, \"Go on in.\" I open the double doors (like hotel suite connecting doors) and step into an empty veranda room where the opposite wall is missing, and a huge, warm ocean is there, lapping up to the level of the floor. I gasp and say, \"I would kill to have a room like this.\" I go look at the ocean, trying to see if it is deep or shallow. I see some rocks on the bottom and Lydia goes out wading. It is like bath water. I envy her spontaneity. I don't step in, feeling a bit leery of deep places. I see there are no insects here and think that probably if it were my room, there sure would be and imagine a swarm of black flying insects. I open another door and see a huge bathtub with water in it, and a baby's tub sitting in it. It is like the adult and the baby bath are together in their own luxurious tub. I walk on down the hall and see a kitchen area where there are restaurant type sinks all over the place with water in them, and look for the dining tables. At first I think, \"How convenient because the sink would be near the table and you wouldn't even have to get up to wash the dishes.\" Then, I see the dining table is in another room. Bummer, how inconvenient." }, { "number": "2450", "head": "04/14/93", "content": "I am at a lecture thing, and after the lecture we are asked to step out into a group to discuss. I grumble but go out and try to sit on a bench and a woman suggests we go on to another room. I do, but think maybe we'll get left behind in the backwash in this room. I lay down on a bench and the man comes in to lead the discussion. He asks some questions. I answer a question and a man says, \"But that's discriminatory,\" as an answer to the question. \"Say more so I understand,\" I say because I didn't answer that it was discriminatory to the disabled. He repeats the question. \"If a package of benefits were announced as available to the disabled, would that be discriminatory?\" I say, \"No, it wouldn't because if you had said you are disabled, go get the packet, it would be, but because it is offered in general and a person chooses if they consider themselves disabled, it isn't.\" The man agrees, I was right. I sigh relief. It would be embarrassing if I hadn't got it right, after all. The second question is about counseling. I raise my hand and say, \"That will be easy, I'm a counselor.\" Another woman on another bench says she is too. Then I need to go across town on the lunch break and get something. I get in a small sports car convertible and am driving. I change into the left lane and notice the cars on the left side traffic take the middle construction lane. \"Remember that,\" I warn myself. I am in S City and feel lost. I say, \"This is a small town, I'll learn where things are soon enough.\" Now a man in a motorcycle is on my right and says, \"Got any tunes??\" I say no, even though I have a car radio. \"Why not try this station?\" I say, \"I'm new here and don't know the stations. I don't know which one is jazz and so on.\" I look ahead and see a railroad warning light going and decide to not stop. We are crossing the tracks when I see the train coming suddenly from a blind area on the right, and I slam on my brakes and turn around, practically dragging my car by picking it up around me and walking back. I realize I'd made a wrong decision that could have cost me my life. I am chagrined. \"I won't do that again,\" I say. I park and the man is still on my right, trying to convince me I'd feel better if I turned on the tunes. He says, \"I'll show you,\" and plays a Pat Benatar (or Boone song). I am annoyed with him for pressing it. I know music makes you feel good, I just don't want to do it right now, because he's so insistent." }, { "number": "2451", "head": "04/16/93", "content": "I am hosting a Tonight Show kind of thing and the guests flake out and I carry the whole show. After it is over, I go to my bed to rest. I am exhausted. Capt. James T Kirk (William Shatner) comes to my house because he wants to make love to me. We are already lovers and he is hot for me. He comes in and tells the other people in the house to make themselves scarce. We'll want privacy. One woman says OK, but she's had a hard time today. He says, \"I know, the show. They flaked out on her and she had to carry it all.\" The woman says, \"And she came home and had the chills. She may have the flu.\" William says, \"Oh, well, if she doesn't feel like making love, then we won't. We'll just enjoy being together.\" He comes to my bedroom and says \"Hi,\" and grins, implying his wishes. I sort of groggily smile. He goes back to the living room and is talking to a man when I get up, in panties and a blouse and take off my bra as I walk into the room where he is, now all hot to trot myself. I wave the bra seductively and he grins and excuses himself and we go to my room and make passionate love, to create a baby. It must be done right at that moment. The position is strange, but feels quite normal in the dream. He's laying on his tummy and I sit on his butt. I see the bald spot on the back of his head and kiss it tenderly. Later, we have children and live in this house with many rooms. I see a bedroom where the walls and floor are scuffed and wood chips flaking up and needs to be cleaned up, a dressing room with a curved wall mirror is between two guest bedrooms. In the living room down the hall is a huge gold couch with many sections. I walk in and grin at him, because it is time to make love to have another baby. He gets up and shoos the kids away. He puts an audio tape cassette up my vagina we are in a hurry because we are driven to do it at this very moment in order to get pregnant. We make love; it is great." }, { "number": "2452", "head": "04/17/93", "content": "Ginny, the girls and I go to a school gym where there will be a basketball game I'm to play in. I see stairs here and there and wonder how I'm going to get in. I look in to find someone to ask. I see a woman in a manual chair in there and I notice the gym floor is slanted on a hill. I wonder how one can play on such a surface. I put on ski-like things and sort of skate with them. Ginny rolls down the incline and I skate after her, hitting her accidentally. I apologize. I then learn how to move on these ski things and practice. I do fairly well. Then I decide I must go to the bathroom. I go down the hall. I enter a room. I see Blake and say hi. I had gone into the gym and not tried to find the pre-appointed meeting area for the dream group. In my search for the restroom, I see where the meeting room is. Blake is in uniform, like the army, only I know it's more like a sweat suit for the games. He kind of ignores me. I go back out to the hall. He comes out and says hello. I like seeing him again. We feel shy. His wife comes into the hall, talking a mile a minute. She has two white plastic dessert dishes in her hand. I look at the desserts. They are all pink with a rosette on one. I say, \"That's the prettiest dessert I've ever seen.\" Blake wants to see what I'd call the prettiest. He looks, but she's already eaten the rosette, so it doesn't look like much. She's talking on like a wife of many years and I feel a bit uncomfortable with the edge I hear in their relationship. I tell them about a dream I had about Jeramy. I say I was in the gym and I looked up and there was Jeramy flying around in the air, and behind him on the wall is a huge, golden, metal, round cherub face with sun rays coming out of it, of Jeramy. I tell them I interpreted this to be about spirituality. Then I see a crow circling near Jeramy, and I laughed with delight to see the dream adding the flesh and the blood of this world. Wasn't that a wonderful dream? Blake agrees. I ask if he took notes at the Jeramy workshop because I wasn't there. He said yes. I am sitting on the table in the hall, and out of the gym comes one of the charismatic leaders of the workshop. I greet him joyfully and get up to hug him. As we are hugging, I realize he is a real man and is attracted to me. I let go of him and sit down again. He says something about his 46-year-old son and I realize he's as old as my father. Then Jeramy comes out and I get up and go hug him, happy to see him. He is also happy to see me. I repeat to him the telling of the \"Jeramy dream,\" and as I do, I pause and say, \"I was interpreting the dream while I was dreaming. I do that more and more these days.\" He enjoys hearing the dream. He says, \"Did you read,\" and he says an authors name and I say, \"I don't remember.\" He says it's about the masculine as psychopath, the coyote. \"Oh yes, I remember reading that. As a matter of fact, I read that near the time of the workshop where you weren't teaching it, I was having panic attacks.\" Jeramy and I move back to the table where Blake is. Jeramy says, \"I hope you don't mind, but Blake has told me about you and him, and you two are made for each other. What happened?\" I stare down at the table I'm leaning, sitting on and fiddle with straightening two pieces of paper. I think, \"I don't really know.\" I say and think some more." }, { "number": "2453", "head": "04/18/93", "content": "A bear in a hospital gown and wearing penny loafers walks in a hedge maze back and forth. I am playing a kind of hide and seek with him." }, { "number": "2454", "head": "04/18/93", "content": "I am a playwright and have written a one-woman show. The actress is onstage doing it and I walk down the hall to go peek in to watch the audience response as she does my work. Some women laugh and then they sit quietly, moved by the emotions of the play. I feel a moment of concern that my intimate thoughts are being made public, but then feel OK about it. I try to get closer to see the audience. I step in the curtains and watch the actress doing a scene. She is swinging out on a trapeze bar-like swing out over the audience and back. I remember the actress said she's done this before. I am concerned she'll hurt herself or fall. A small girl is on a swing in the background depicting the childhood memory. There are voices of children teasing, male voices. The actress gets off the swing and almost gets caught up in the chains, but manages to free herself. Now it is near the end of the play I want to be closer to hear the response. I then somehow manage to go to the wrong audience, a group of uniformed men (army brown) watching a show that ends with a commercial selling things. They applaud thunderously. I realize I'm in the wrong place. I go to the next auditorium down the hall and see a huge concert hall and they are applauding thunderously. No, this isn't my play. I return, but it's too late. It's over. I \"count the house.\" Maybe 40 or 50 people saw it, including some uniformed Boy Scouts. I wonder if they understood the play or if it was too painful for them to see. Now I go out in to the hall and the actress (dark haired) comes out. I say, \"I wish this had been taped so I could see it. She says, \"Well, I did tape it, but who is going to pay for the tape, reimburse me?\" I say, \"Well, I will.\" I feel a bit put upon, but am trying to be reasonable. Then she says or does something and I say indignantly, \"Do not (either attack or hit or wallop) me.\" We glare at each other and she goes on to finish whatever she was doing." }, { "number": "2455", "head": "04/19/93", "content": "I am captured by the bad guys like the 1920's gangsters and held in a huge basement like place in a warehouse. I have a gun. They open the large doorway up on the wall and start shooting down at me and I aim and shoot them. I crawl up and out and run. I get in my car and drive for help. I find some of the fellow factory workers and tell them of the incident and have them call the police and then we decide to go back and set up a raid on them. I get in the back seat. A woman drives. We get there and go in. Three or four trucks follow us to cart back the evidence and stuff in their warehouse. We go in, pretending to be customers, and there is a pile of wood sticks and I hold one in my hand as a weapon. I watch carefully as they go send word for a man to come help the costumers. I signal with my eyes to be careful to the other members of my team. The men come up like in an elevator and open their doors and start shooting machine guns at us. I order us to fire and I spray them with my machine gun. With a sinking feeling I realize we are in danger and could die from their bullets, but I keep seated and shooting back. Finally I drop three of the guys, including one holding a large fiddle or small bass. Then the head bad guy grabs one of ours as a hostage and holds a knife to his throat. I drop the machine gun and hold up a rifle to shoot. I say, \"Do you believe he could do it if I dropped him?\" Dustin Hoffman says out of the side of his mouth (he sits on my left), \"Don't be silly. Of course I believe him.\" I then hold my fire and we are in another standoff. It wasn't supposed to work this way. I try to think how to get the drop on this guy. It's going to be another scary and long battle." }, { "number": "2456", "head": "04/19/93", "content": "I am talking on the phone with Marshall P of D Services and I refer to another guy. I can't remember his name. \"Mitchell, is that it? No, Marshall, you know that guy at D. Service, I want to complement him.\" There is an ominous silence on the other end. I say, \"Hello? Hello?\" I wonder if I've misspoken and mentioned Marshall's name to Marshall, meaning I didn't know who I was talking to, but I was trying to compliment him. I keep saying, \"Hello??\" Then we are reconnected. He's not mad at me after all, but the receptionist is pissed. She cut us off deliberately because she is overworked and under-appreciated. Now I'm standing at her desk and she is grumpy and complaining. She shows me all the messages she has to deal with and no one appreciates. Then she goes back to work. She says to me something and I realize she wants to vent her feelings to me. I don't have time or patience to stay and listen. She says, \"I'll call you.\" I say, \"OK,\" feeling a bit put upon, but realizing it's OK since she deserves some help and concern, but why me?? Now I am driving a red pickup. I am parking it in a crowded spot. There are two or three men in the pickup with me, my friends. We are here to watch a great foot race. I have piles of things on the set with us and they slip and slide around, two jars of apple butter and so on. I save one jar from sliding out the door. I look out the windshield and see we are parked next to several TV crews vans. This will be a good vantage point. Now I wiggle around and am in the passenger side. The older man is saying, \"What is all this stuff?? There's no room for us.\" He looks into a sack. I say, \"You can put it back in the bed of the truck.\" He peeks in and it is a huge bag of pillow stuffing the receptionist gave to me. We can't put that back there, it'd get wet and ruined. Now the pickup is sliding forward. I say \"Hey, hey, we're rolling.\" The other man complains and leans on the brakes. We stop just short of hitting the car parked in front of us. The older man backs us up and over a bump to keep us there. We are parked on mud. \"We're rolling again,\" I say. The younger man complains and sluggishly steps on the brakes. Then someone notices it's very crowded around us and we'll only get to see the beginning and the end of the race. So the young man turns on the ignition and drives us out of there. \"Hey,\" I say, \"What are you doing? We'll lose our good spot (vantage point).\" He says, \"It's not worth it, I'll find another.\" I get angry and raise my voice and swear as I state quite clearly how unhappy I am. He made the decision without consulting us and it's not fair. The older man takes off his glasses, but one of the little nose foot things stays stuck on his face and he smiles and says, \"Let's not say mean things that we'll regret.\" I say, \"Don't patronize me.\" I am angry and am saying exactly what I'm feeling. I know these are my friends and afterward we'll still be friends. I'm not so stupid I'd throw it away on an argument. Now we are on the streets. There is no parking place to be had. I look ahead and see the parade coming right at us. We are forced to turn and park on the side. My friend tries to say this is the best spot, we're in the parade. Then a woman comes up and hands me a sticker and an ink pen. She waits. I realize this is a sticker for a booth owner and will cost us $40.00 dollars if I sign it. We confer. $40 is too much for a parking space. I explain this is the area where food booths and such are set up. I think about selling my books but it's not worth it. We sigh and prepare to go on. Here we thought we'd get to park for free but the establishment was waiting for us, and our money. You gotta pay for what you do." }, { "number": "2457", "head": "04/19/93", "content": "I am trying to get on a commercial airplane to go to Maui, Hawaii. I have a paraplegic stewardess. I am loaded on a stretcher. I have a roll of quarters and want to buy some snacks. She insists I use my gold Visa card. It's more convenient for her. I ask how much each bag of snacks is. 75 cents. That's too much for a tiny bag of snacks. She says the bags are bigger. I wish I'd brought my own snacks on board. Now in the sky I see a weird, small plane next to us and it shouldn't be there, and then somehow I am on that plane and so are some other women and babies and some men. An older man is the pilot and the men, including my husband, are cruel and horrible. They take the women into another room and rape and abuse them. The children are abused. I refuse to go in and I am forced into a tiny cupboard. The women don't fight back. They give in and do what they must to survive. The man is taking us to Washington because that's where he wants to go, not Hawaii as we wanted him to do. Finally, he lands somewhere and the men all get off the pane to do a ritual something. Maybe the old man is dying. I see some of the women go outside and then come back with bars of chocolate. I say, \"My God, where did you get that?\" She says he had cases of it all along. I go get a huge bar of chocolate. We are getting food and water and talking. Then we see the men are coming back. It is unbearable to think this abuse will continue. I hold a baby whose ears are terribly stretched and malformed because of the abuse. She looks like Dumbo the elephant with her ears. I say, \"Who will stop them?\" A woman stands with a stick. I join her with a stick. The man comes to the door and he wants in. We poke him with the stick and make him stay outside. This angers him and he sneers and slams the door shut and locks us in. I say, \"We have no water. Someone get water.\" The men are swarming toward us. I get in the pilot set and turn on the ignition. The propellers cough and get caught in the hair of the old man and then it breaks free and I yank on the steering wheel. I hear the men laugh, \"She doesn't know how to fly or land.\" They are grabbing at my legs from the open door on my left. I say to the women, \"Protect me, get them,\" as I frantically try to get above them. Earlier we said we'd stick together this time and fight the men. They do help, but one man clings to the plane as we rise up I get higher and higher. He'd be killed if he dropped. The women let him in. I say, \"Keep an eye on him at all times.\" They agree. We're flying. I hope I can find a place and hope I can land safely. I think for a second about the men, feeling mean for leaving them helpless on the island." }, { "number": "2458", "head": "04/22/93", "content": "I am in a house and changing clothes. I find a reversible pair of jeans and put them on with the pretty lining side up, floral pink and white. My father comes in and says, \"You should take your pretty glass case bookshelves.\" I hesitate, I don't want to take a lot of my old stuff back home, that's why I left it here, but I reconsider. The glass case is very pretty. I agree to do that. Lucy comes in and I say, \"I'll be taking back lots of my books and things, I'm packing them.\" She nods and we go get on the boat, which is like a big hotel. Someone brings books to me and says, \"Shall we toss them?\" I see a set of big red books that are language books. I regret giving them up, but it's true I haven't used them in years, and if I need them, I can go to the library. I agree he can throw them overboard. I go into my room, and put things away. The captain of the boat is male and somewhat scary. He's trying to get my money and things. I go out on the deck and watch as we start going through the water, a big lake. Then I see Lucy didn't make it on board; she is swimming to catch up, she and her girl child. I yell encouragement to her. She can't reach the ring on a chain at the end of the boat. We are speeding up and she'll be hurt or left behind. I throw out another donut ring like thing (a lifesaver thing). She catches it but leaves her child behind in the form of a small frame with the child photo in it. I see this, hesitate and then dive in, thinking to myself this is stupid, now you're in danger. But I retrieve the photo frame and get back to the boat. Now to get on I must crawl through a tiny plastic covered port hole with a garbage disposal thing in it. I push the shredded salad fixings into the garbage disposal to get room to get through this I try several times. Finally someone on deck, a naked woman, helps me up through this. Now I'm on deck and Lucy sneers at me for being so stupid to dive in when it was unnecessary. She had the photo; it was just an empty frame floating in the water that I retrieved. Then I see some women I knew in Germany and go to talk with them. I look over and see the river is now skinny and shallow, and iced over. We are too big for it and the captain is having a hard time getting the channel. We run aground and I hear the sound of the boat hitting rocks. Now I go back to my cabin. I pass a front door with a message slot in it and search through a pile of slips of paper. There is no message; something ominous is happening. The captain is after me. A boy got killed out on the deck. I go in and see some men, possibly the Captain's men. I get to my cabin to pack quickly. He's tried to steal all my riches, money and jewels but I've tricked him and already hidden them in a secret compartment in my purse. Now I'm wearing a dress suit and heels I get ff the boat and start walking up a steep, gravelly path. It's hard going and I keep glancing around, expecting the Captain to come to me and take my purse. I pick up a rock to use as a weapon, put it down and choose another one with a sharp point on it. I keep walking, noticing other people are around on the hillside and so on. I feel a bit safer." }, { "number": "2459", "head": "04/23/93", "content": "I see a horde of black insects surround a person and feel terrible for them. As I walk on, they then come for me. I see them surround me and I look for help. I see the ocean and run for it; I lay down on my back in the wet sand and crawl backward trying to get into the surf. Finally I get in the water and swim. The insects are off me now and I realize I'm in big waves and deep water. I see a man, who comes to take my hand. I feel some fear because we're going under. He pulls me under and I wonder if I'll drown, and then take a breath and realize I am OK. He takes me deeper and deeper. I wonder to myself, \"What I shall ask him for?\" knowing this is a journey where I must ask for what I want. I decide to ask him for a relationship, someone to love and someone to love me (like wishing on a star). Now we are on the bottom and we are going past booths that sell all the junk that is tossed away into the ocean, litter. I see lots of plastic toys - interesting, but not anything I want to buy. I need to go back up to the surface and I swim up and up, finally breaking into the air, and discover I am in a deep pond and have traveled back to medieval times. A village is in a meadow and a castle up near the mountains. A prince lives there. I come out of the pond and two young men come by and think I'm a lost princess. They are giving me a tour of the place. I look over to the castle, knowing the prince will come out and maybe find me. I see a deep pit where some poor people are. I say, \"What is this?\" They say this is where the poor people live who don't have any home. I say, \"Then I will stay here for now.\" They are appalled. I am too good for this place, but I feel it is the right thing for me to do at this point, while waiting for the prince to come." }, { "number": "2460", "head": "04/25/93", "content": "I watch as Uncle Lionel tries to say goodbye to us as we are getting ready to leave. He wants to share his feelings, but is speechless, as it's not natural for him to do this. I feel empathy and go up to him and hug him. He seems very, very tall, like I was a child. I hug him and say, \"I know you are afraid and you want to be well and you want me to be well,\" (and a third person, perhaps Dwight). I take a cough syrup-like medication. I feel very emotionally connected to Lionel." }, { "number": "2461", "head": "04/25/93", "content": "Merle calls and says that he's scared and asks if I will be home on Sunday. He asks me not to go anywhere because if he gets overwhelmed and scared about his new job, then he can call me. I say, \"OK, but I might be at a meeting where you are.\" He says, \"Are you sure?\" I say, \"I'll call Gather and find out for sure.\" I call and a man answers and I ask, \"Am I going to be at the meeting?\" He says, \"I'll check.\" I say, \"Check now because I'm long distance.\" He asks, \"Where?\" I say, \"Wilsonville.\" He asks, \"Where's that?\" I say, \"Way down the river from there.\" \"There\" is New N City, on the river. Now I'm traveling there and riding a horse and the baby burros are frisking behind. It's a good thing I can't look behind and see them or I'd feel afraid. I'm not afraid if I don't look." }, { "number": "2462", "head": "04/26/93", "content": "I am in a 1955 kind of car and it gets stuck in a deep mud hole. One of my friends named William gets out of the trunk and helps us get out of the hole. We were headed for escape from some bad guys and the bad guys had directed us to this road. So we decide to back up and take another route. We go cross country, like hilly scrub brush country, and come to the top of a ridge and have to drive down switchback trails to get to the valley floor. I disguise myself as a Mexican young man so the bad guys can't trail us as easily. I hang out with the men, but they start to wonder why I don't go after the ladies. Am I gay? So I make a date with a pretty young lady and put my arm around her and we go away together, but then I tell her the truth that I am a woman and ask her to keep the secret. She does. Later, the car is now a hearse, or at least it used to be. William hangs out in the back section." }, { "number": "2463", "head": "04/26/93", "content": "I keep wondering what I can make to sell at the Saturday Market, that would make money. Then I wonder why I want to do that. Do I enjoy hanging out all day selling stuff? I don't. A man is snide and says he sells anything the public will buy, a child or sexual abuse stuff? He doesn't care, as long as it sells. I turn my back on him in contempt. He or somebody is sweeping up snow or hail from the floor. [BL]" }, { "number": "2464", "head": "04/28/93", "content": "I hear or read a story about a group of adventurous women writers who lived in Alaska in the 1800's. One man and four women writers had dog sledded to a conference and were returning on the big ice pack, but the narration says that sometimes the ice pack breaks up in the big thaw and creates dangerous situations and people can slip right in and drown or disappear. I see them sledding and see cracks in the ice, and then I see that they are right on the big crack and some of the sleds are slipping into the water and they are struggling to get back on the ice. They are colorfully dressed, spritely and sweet, lively. One is named Love something, maybe melody or maybe day. I write down what I can of the incident." }, { "number": "2465", "head": "04/28/93", "content": "Archie teaches a class of athletes and I am across this chasm in the gym in my own class. I call over advice on how to teach." }, { "number": "2466", "head": "04/28/93", "content": "A Murphy Brown sequence where Miles is surprised for his birthday and rain in the form of silver sprinkles is poured on him. He is confused and upset until we yell happy B'day. A large and ugly man comes in. Another woman and myself go, \"Oh no!! Let's dance,\" and grab each other and dance a silly swooping dance to avoid having to dance with him. Later I sit on a couch with my father and bend the floppy disks. The ugly man is seated nearby and I try to avoid him. Later the woman says she has to leave and the guy follows and I insist another man goes to look out for her. Later I am in a car which now looks like a crib with a man and a woman and me in it. I get out and it is a balancing act for them to readjust their positions so they don't tip over. Later, I see a carnival like thing on the side of the road and see \"Queen Elizabeth\" being hawked as a novelty sight. I start to go over and see her but a woman says, \"She's not real, you know. That's not really Queen Elizabeth.\" I say, \"I know,\" and go on over. I get up close and see an ugly, dark-haired woman, the maid, and she sees that I know her, and flinches. I say, \"It's all right. I'll pretend you are Queen Elizabeth so you won't get in trouble.\"" }, { "number": "2467", "head": "04/29/93", "content": "Dovre and I are looking at a beautiful scene, a wedding scene in Malaysia. I lie down on a cushion and slide on it to the edge, because I don't feel comfortable standing up and walking down the stairs. There are no railings and I could lose my balance. I am intrigued with the man being married to this woman. I watch him. He then goes into outer space and I stow away to be near him, me and my small daughter. We are drawn closer and closer, in love with each other, but he is married. Finally, we sent the baby out in a little container to practice space travel and knowing when you are right side up, and we couple, like two ink pens together. He says, \"This is as undressed as you can get in outer space.\" It feels good and I have a hard time reaching his face to kiss him. Now we are going back and I feel sad because I will be found out and he'll go back to his wife." }, { "number": "2468", "head": "04/29/93", "content": "Now we are coming to earth and I realize I've made a wrong decision. He has gone back to his drugs and he's a teen boy now and hangs out in another space capsule, being irresponsible and taking his drugs. I go out to confront him. Dovre is wiped out on drugs also. They blame each other and I see Dovre is holding her baby and the baby is distressed. I forcibly take the baby from her and leave them to their misery; they will have to choose to come out of it themselves and I dedicate myself to caring for the baby. She now sleeps cozily on my shoulder. Another woman (my mother?) has another baby she is carrying for. I realize this is what I need to do. I need to go back and care for the baby and do it right this time, giving freely of my time and energy to protect the baby." }, { "number": "2469", "head": "04/30/93", "content": "I'm in a room and am going to get ready. I'll take my bath tonight so the room will be available for others at the peak time. I'm choosing my outfit and try to decide which one to wear. I look out the window and see a car drive by with Jack Palance in it. Perhaps he'd been working on a movie up the road. Then another one goes by with another movie star. I relate this to a man, and I can't remember Jack Palance's name and describe the movie he was in and so on, then I remember his name. The head knight comes into the room, which is an adjoining connecting room to the one I'm in and says, \"The dragon is here. Quick shut the doors.\" I see a slithery, huge green boa constrictor-like thing that slithers into the connecting room. I slam the door shut. I struggle to lock it. The knights are called in to fight it. A small rectangular opening panel in the top portion of the door is open and the tentacles of the dragon start to reach through it. I slam it shut and try to hold it shut. It almost gets me. Then I get it shut. He's huge and breathing and in there. We wait. The knights now go down the hall to sleep. I am a princess now, and there is my queen mother. I pace. Now the door is open and the face of a huge green dragon is in the doorway. I pick up a golden bow and arrow and try to shoot it myself. The arrow is weak. It hits its mark, but has no power. He laughs at me. I try again. He says, \"Only you can kill me and only with the golden arrow.\" I call out to the knights. I run down the hall, pounding on the doors of the bed chambers and yell, \"Get up. The dragon is here.\" They stumble out sleepily. I run back into the room and look to see a huge golden and white dragon, the King Dragon, it is now transformed to. He somehow hands me some small golden and other colored round circles like sparkly confetti. I hold a small cross-shaped metal thing in one hand. I put the round circle on it and throw it at the advancing king dragon. His head is getting closer and closer. I throw and throw and finally I pick up the golden one, the One he gave me, and throw it. It hits, and falls off, but it is enough. The King dragon kind of smiles, and is very close to me, and then blows a breath right in my face. He laughs because I had slain him as I ought to have and he was making a joke about being a fire-breathing dragon, all dead now with not even a hot breath left to get me. He says, \"Throw it in again.\" I pick up the thing and throw it at him again. He is stopped. Somewhere in there my mother the queen says something and I tell her to shut up." }, { "number": "2470", "head": "04/30/93", "content": "I am in my \"apartment\" and trying to do my breakfast. Millie has been cleaning and has moved things. I see my toaster is clear across the room and the bananas and bread are in a drawer, organized nicely, but I'd have to walk to get it. I see an old Xmas tree and decorations. I know it's four months past Xmas and past time to take down the tree. I say, \"I think you should,\" then I notice she already has cleaned that up. I say, \"I really appreciate you helping but you've got to leave things the way I had them so I can independently use the place.\" She says, \"But I'm here to help you. You have so much space here that isn't being used, just going to waste, with all your things crowded up together like that.\" I am annoyed she doesn't understand that she won't always be there when I need her, and I like to have it ready so I can do things myself so I won't get left abandoned and helpless." }, { "number": "2471", "head": "05/01/93", "content": "I am in a room and have over $200 in cash and a woman says, \"Oh, that's dangerous, to have cash around, someone could rob you.\" I am annoyed at her, because I'd have cash and no one cares and I wasn't robbed. A train comes very fast to the station. I stand near the tracks waiting. I kiss the track quickly like I'm sending a kiss to the man I like who works on the railroad. I am then embarrassed if he should see me. I see an arm waving from a place on down the train. A car suddenly rushes very fast past me, getting out of the way of the train." }, { "number": "2472", "head": "05/01/93", "content": "I am in a wheelchair and at some tourist attraction. I want to go down the path to see it, but everyone says, \"No way, you can't. You're in a wheelchair and it is inaccessible.\" I look. It does look bad, but I don't give up, I go on down the road and discover another path, one I think I can do. I head down it. It is hard, gravely and dirt and curvy and steep. I slip and slide, but make it. I feel quite victorious when I arrive at the bottom. Everyone kind of stares at me, and avoids me. I go to the boat dock. Many boats come up, one at a time, and get tourists to take them to the island. I want to get on, but they can't imagine how I could, with the wheelchair. I get in the way of a man looking for more tourists for his boat and force him to take me. I get in his tiny blue boat, but get back out because it would mean I'd travel alone. I go to a canoe shaped boat and see a seat where the invalids can lay down. I get in that, but remain seated. I think about how I'll have to leave my chair here and then decide I'll need it on the island and think it into the boat. A young Malaysian woman sits in front of me. We come by the side where the attraction is. It's hot springs, geysers and such where the people have built what look like window frames and the shapes of houses around the naturally occurring rocks and geysers. It's kind of Victorian garish. We come close to it and I reach out my hand to touch the water from the geyser. The Malaysian woman is terribly offended and grabs my hand back. I say\"What?\" She says, \"It is for drinking, not touching!\" I am surprised, but hey, I didn't know. She says, \"I wasn't going to say anything, seeing as how it is cultural ignorance, but--.\" I say \"It's OK.\" I feel caught and embarrassed, and yet, how was I to know? We go on. The canoe is skinny and shallow. I wonder if the ocean waves will slop into the boat. I hang on tightly. It's a smooth ride and I wonder why I don't feel the waves. We arrive at the island and I get out and into the chair. It's a museum and I wander around kind of disappointed because it looks very American -- nothing special and exotic, just American." }, { "number": "2473", "head": "05/02/93", "content": "I am running a rehearsal of a dance piece I wrote. I waited too long to get it organized and I'm given a bad date, after school is out and people won't be around as much. I realize it's my own fault. I call the dancers together and they are unmotivated, confused, late and wandering around. I am yelling like a director or master sergeant, coercing and cajoling and demanding and complimenting. We have too many props and too many dancers. It is crowded and confusing. The curtains are closed and out in the audience area are several men, important, listening into what I do with this mess. I am doing well, getting things cleaned out and motivated." }, { "number": "2474", "head": "05/02/93", "content": "I am standing in a group of people all entangled together in a sort of circle. We are singing a song and entwining our arms and holding hands. It is awkward. I have something in my hand and yet managed to keep connected. After we are done, Marilyn steps over and says we could do some choir work. I nod, but my attention is on this bunch of food I need to take, care of slabs of meat in packages. I need to get them frozen and put away and decide to put a refridge in the area we're at, rather than drag it all home. I want to make a lunch. I go home and it's a mess there -- food all over, dirty dishes. Marilyn starts cleaning and I say with relief, \"Ah, you've started back to work.\" I pay her to clean up, but it's been a while. There's lots to do. She is energetic and efficient. I am glad. There's something about traveling, maybe on a bus." }, { "number": "2475", "head": "05/03/93", "content": "Uncle Joel and his young wife. Somehow I have had sexual relations with them both, and I am shocked, because that would be incest. He's an Uncle after all, a brother of my father. She is Marci energy. Now I'm holding a hamburger and offer to cook dinner. I plop it on a stove and decide to cook some rice. I search for the right sauce pan size and finally find some, but I have to wash it first and I start to do some dishes. A Mom-like woman says, \"You don't have to do the dishes.\" I say, \"It's OK, just the ones I need for now.\" I feel good standing. Now I go to a fair. I have a handful of quarters. I am going to pay for my admission and Caroline's dad (younger like late 20's) says, \"No, I'll pay. You don't have to.\" I say, \"No, I insist. It isn't much and I have it.\" Caroline demands her share and then decides to go to her room. I say, \"You come back here now.\" She refuses. I insist. A classic power struggle. I get angry. She reluctantly returns. We go in to find our seats. Each event happens in a different room and the first event is in a small room. Then Ginny is around. We (Uncle Joel? and I) go to find the fantasy corner, because we were told to. I see it and lay down to peek down the corner. I see a young woman like a Vanna White to show what is in the corner. I look and see a pile of books. \"Oh, the sci-fi ones I like...,\" and three copies of a hardbound red book with the title in black, \"Minot.\" \"I have that one but haven't read it,\" I say. A couple of books are in a different language and must be for the other person, possibly an alien, with me. Later, someone is gathering things and putting them in a display. A woman behind me, like Ginny, holds the rabbit balls I gave her. She offers them up to the man setting up the display. He looks at them and I feel embarrassed. This isn't much. They'll laugh or reject them. He opens one and a small fetal creature is in it and he asks, \"What is it?\" I say, \"It's a rabbit. See the teeth?\" They disagree until they look and see the teeth. I see them. They are even and nicely shaped human teeth, the only feature in this white mass of stuff. No one is pleased, and I look up to see a cloud where the lion god lives with his many young wives. He rolls over, unimpressed, and makes love to several of his nubile wives who are very pretty. I am stunned I am seeing this and also embarrassed. Then the wives are gathered together and very happy to hear about the rabbits because they can check and see if they are pregnant. One rubs her tummy and says she has had symptoms already." }, { "number": "2476", "head": "05/04/93", "content": "I am doing an absurd skit with Justin. We run about the garden looking at trees and making jokes. He says we must only look for the A tree and the B tree. I run around in an English way with an English accent and say, \"Oh where could the 'A' tree be? Oh, here it is.\" He follows me around closely, trying to be the tree. I ignore him. \"Oh, where is the 'B' tree? Here? No, here? No, ooh here it is, no, that's a bee, an insect, not a tree. Then here? Now here's an interesting tree! Look over there, it has a very interesting root structure, if we only could see it. We lay down on the ground and he picks up the bottom of the raised root structure (like mangrove trees) and I snicker and say, \"Oh I must be wrong,\" but if it were the right tree, then it would be all raised and interesting. We are laying there next to each other, teasing. A man opens the door and stares down at us. Finally we get up and he glares and says, \"Are you going to do this again?\" We humbly say no, trying not to laugh. \"Good,\" he says dourly and slams the door. We giggle and Justin says, \"Where is a kissing tree?\" I laugh and go to him and put my arms around him and kiss him saying, Here. I found one, a kissing tree.\" [BL]" }, { "number": "2477", "head": "05/05/93", "content": "I live in this house with lots of rooms. I don't use most of them. I want a puppy and get one, but I want it to be smaller and cuter. Now there are many tiny kittens and a puppy. I pick some up and hug them and carry them around with me. I remember a back living room and my old TV is in there and I wonder why I never go use that room. I see connecting doors between rooms and remember this house is on the state line. Cars line up. One is going to drive through the connecting rooms and gets stuck or stopped and the next car screeches to a halt, nearly crashing, and the next and so on. There is a chain reaction pile up. Luckily no one really crashes. I am impressed. I go in to see what's the problem. These people are coming to buy the booze I can legally make on one side of the house and sell to the folks on the other side where it's illegal to make it. I go back into the living room, wanting to use the rooms more. I see an old file cabinet and look. The previous owners, old ladies, had their files in there. One of these days I need to clean it out. I look in. There are some empty files, in Braille, and lots of old papers. I pick up an Xmas card from a pile of letters and cards. It's from Pete and B and some other people. They look like the ones I have in my cards and letter box." }, { "number": "2478", "head": "05/06/93", "content": "I am in the teacher's lounge getting ready to do my Evangeline thing. I am choosing my scripts to do and getting them laid out. A male teacher likes me and he's kind of a drunk. I try to avoid him and he leans into me and I back away and so on. Then I notice it is nearly 1 o'clock, and someone is on stage talking. I was supposed to be first because I had a 1:30 appointment across town. I am flustered. Now I can't find the scripts that I had set aside and they are calling me to the stage. I'll be late, but I go on toward the stage, asking Bonnie to look for my scripts for me and bring them to me when she finds them. I then see my cute little girl with ringlets in her hair. She has a huge bag of barbeque potato chips. It is ripped open and she's snacking. I say to her, \"Come here!\" She walks away toward the auditorium, trying to avoid me. I say, \"Don't you do that! Come here now.\" She does, resentfully. I say, \"You went home and got these, didn't you?\" (Apparently we lived next door to the school.) She nods yes. I say, \"Don't do that again.\" She frowns. I take away the bag of chips. I go up on stage and I'm introduced. Only a few teachers are in the lunchroom audience. I am walking. I apologize and explain that the scripts are missing and are being looked for. I chat about how I started the Can Do show on cable TV and had to create a show every two weeks. We called it heart attack theatre, because we'd have two weeks to prepare for the show. Somehow at the beginning of the two weeks it seemed we had plenty of time, but then it would be Thursday night and I'd have to produce the show. I had no time to rehearse and memorize my lines, so I created a character who had her words on a piece of paper. Clever huh? I went on it in this realistic way. Bonnie comes in with the red notebook of original scripts. I search through it to find a script. I see computer docs. It is past 1:30 and I'm late, but oh well. Maybe Bonnie can call and tell them that I am going to be late. Things just aren't working out. Everyone seems OK with it all." }, { "number": "2479", "head": "05/06/93", "content": "I hold a tiny boy baby and ask how old he is. He says 11 months. I am amazed because he is so small, like a toy doll, skinny. There are three of them. I like them. I think they are \"cousins\" or babies of cousins. My mother and Aunt Millie are in a bed and talking and I try to overhear. My mother says, \"So that's how you tell? You smell them?\" Millie talks. I think, \"Aha, someone is having an affair, maybe my father.\" I want to listen in and get all the info. I am interrupted by people talking, and new arrivals to the reunion party we are at. I suck on a cannelloni noodle until the meat filling is all gone. Somehow, that was one of the babies." }, { "number": "2480", "head": "05/06/93", "content": "I visit the C. dept at a meeting and don't see many people I know. I sit on a couch next to a black man who has a stop watch. He puts it on my lap and says, \"Is that OK?\" I say ok. Then it stops. He picks it up and restarts it. It stops again. He lays it aside. I get up and walk around. There are large appliances I crawl around on like I was kid size and they were adult size. The black man and I are teasing each other, playing like kids. He turns on a switch and a sound like a blender whirs. It gets annoying and I climb down from the top of the refridge and get footing on the toilet cover and go over and turn off the switch. The black man lays on the floor laughing. Then I hear a buzzing sound and finally figure out it is a telephone thing and pick it up, the black receiver, and I hear a male voice, like my father's. He says something and says, \"Tell Willis to come to the V's, you know, like our way. And tell LoKey Junior.\" I write his name down, not knowing who that is." }, { "number": "2481", "head": "05/07/93", "content": "I am a woman and two men harass me. I run away. I steal one of their bicycles and then they chase me and we are in traffic and I peddle. Then I abandon the bicycle in the bushes behind a gas station and go into the station to call someone and the two men come after me and I try to hide in a room. They come to the door and I hold it closed against them. He has the keys and gets them out and I hold the door hard. He pushes, and then as he pushes to get in, I slide out and into the next adjoining room. They come to that room and I quickly hide up in the attic area through a crawl hole and replace the panel and hope they don't find me. Then somehow I am Marilyn of Northern Exposure like and on a horse wearing a beautiful whit fur cape. The chief of the tribe says, \"You can have it; take it away for all we care. We prefer to not have it around.\" I am angry because I had been harassed and hounded and feared for my life because of this cape. We (the two men and I) ride out into the snow. Finally, in tremendous anger, I force the one man off his horse. He is shocked. I scream at him. I am angry. We'll finish it now. He is going to strike out at me and I don't care. I am livid with anger long held in from his bad frightening attacks on me. He is Indian and hides in his yellow fur parka and I made some sign at him and say, \"You stay in there; you can use the shield.\" Somehow his spirit was going to come out and kill me and I am fighting it. It's like I've gone berserk from the pent-up up rage. They aren't going to treat me badly any longer." }, { "number": "2482", "head": "05/07/93", "content": "I experience huge black waves of anger running through me, circles and swirls and waves of the stuff." }, { "number": "2483", "head": "05/07/93", "content": "I am holding a sweet little girl in my arms. A man I love walks beside me. We are in some kind of time warp. Someone sees a large picture of Abraham Lincoln on a wall and I am drawn to his dark sad eyes. Something is behind that picture. We rip it off the wall and see writing. It says \"B was here in November.\" It was written by the man to prove I was here before this. But now I am realizing that we must die. I am filled with grief. I hug the girl to me. I ask someone, a doctor perhaps, what will it feel like when the moment of death comes. I decide it will be a drink of poison, a big dose. I hold the girl and say, \"I'm so sorry.\" She says, \"It's all right. You have to do it\" (meaning kill her). I sob and sob and she comforts me. I am walking into a house. Her family of this time, a man and woman, are harsh and I scream at them to leave us alone. Now I am walking in the waves of an ocean. We are walking along the beach in the surf, facing perpendicular to the waves. They hit from the right side. Sometimes the waves are like paper roses that spray over us. I say to the man I love, I'll die with you. I'll kill you two and then I'll drink the poison too.\" He begs me not to. He says I must live because if I don't then no one will write about them and then they will be truly dead. I sob and sob, clutching him in a side embrace. \"How can I live when all I love is dead?\" I sob. We go into a room and I hug him, sobbing and sobbing. My mother is there, and I confronted her." }, { "number": "2484", "head": "05/11/93", "content": "Lionel is varnishing the floor. I am talking to them. I say my mother had a small stroke, and then I realize so had Aunt Elaine and she is right there. I then complain about how hard it is to be back at work, even though it is only half time. I am surprised I have a job again. I thought I was retired. There are bubbles in the varnish, on the floor." }, { "number": "2485", "head": "05/12/93", "content": "I am with Jock and we are going to visit a writer at his house. Jock goes on ahead in a car and I lose him immediately. I stand on a grassy area where the road goes both left and right and I wonder which way Jock went. Someone says, \"There he is.\" I look to the left and see his car parked at a house by the sea. I follow along and go there. Now I'm being given a tour of the house. Robin, the scriptwriter teacher, lives there with his wife. There are beautiful curtains that can be pulled down in six lovely different designs. A big window is present to see the lovely view. The ocean is off in the distance to the right, so when you want, you can go sit at the window and look at it. There is a kind of wooden tree fence which has spaces between each tree so you can still see the ocean, but it is not a totally open view. This seems a good thing. I admire this house saying, \"If I had a house, this would be it.\" Jock tries to show me the different designs the curtains make. There is gray and pink wallpaper, but I wouldn't have chosen the swans on it. I love the colors, though." }, { "number": "2486", "head": "05/12/93", "content": "I am in the living room and Dovre is out on the porch talking with some people who are demonstrating a car seat and how it folds up and so on. I come out and watch. I ask her what she's doing and she says she wants to buy some seat belts and they have some, but she did it wrong. They came to her and said, \"This is how much I want.\" I say to her, \"You could then say to them, 'This is how much I'm willing to pay,' and see if they will dicker.\" She likes this idea and goes to them to dicker. I walk back into the house very aware that I would be embarrassed to dicker and leave it cravenly to her. I see the little baby girl and go pick her up and discover she has on some of my jewelry. I tell her it is not OK to take things that belong to other people, and begin to remove the many rings and necklaces off her chubby fingers and neck. She resists. I explain how we must ask permission first. She doesn't care; she just wants the jewelry. I tell her if she comes back in and takes my jewelry, then I will take it back, take her to her room and lock it and then take some of her things away. I feel mean. She is incorrigible. I keep removing more jewelry, black beaded necklaces. I find an ugly plastic lime bracelet. She says, \"At least let me keep that one, it has my name on it (Fred).\" I say, \"This is Dovre's; we will ask her permission and if she says yes, you can keep it.\"" }, { "number": "2487", "head": "05/13/93", "content": "I am seated on a couch with Rochelle. We are on a pile of freshly done laundry, clothes, towels, etc. Rochelle is figuring up something on her calculator. It gets overheated and she tosses it across the room on the floor. She throws herself behind the couch and I sit there and wait. The battery pops out of the calculator and then overheats and burns and smokes. The air is thick with bad smells. I get up and walk outside. It's time to leave now and I get in my red pickup truck and drive over to say goodbye to Dwight (Rock Hudson?). I walk into the house and find him. We then walk out the back side door. I see many cars and hub caps lined up neatly. He says, \"The used car man next door puts them there during the day.\" As we walk to the pickup, I remember I didn't take my card he gave me as a farewell. I ask him to go back and get it for me. He does so. I get into the driver's seat of the pickup and see that he has put a store of sugar free snacks in there for me to enjoy on my trip. I am touched. Dwight gets in with the card. I thank him for his thoughtful gift. He smiles. Jake is now in the back seat. He has put a special hand hold on the steering wheel for me to use. I thank him and try to use it. It is uncomfortable. I say, \"I'm sorry but I need it back the way it was.\" He apologizes. I say, \"Oh no, I thank you for the thought, but it just isn't working out.\" He fixes it. Pink liquid and oil and so on pours into the column of the steering wheel and then he fixes it back the way it was. I suddenly remember I had forgotten my wheelchair, crutches, pills and raised toilet seat back at Rochelle's. I was feeling so good, I just forgot them. I send someone back to get them for me. She returns with it. Several aunts are there with babies to wave me goodbye." }, { "number": "2488", "head": "05/19/93", "content": "A man and I search and search. Finally, he finds a piece and I find a piece and we put it together and it starts working." }, { "number": "2489", "head": "05/19/93", "content": "The man finally gave in and let the woman move out on her own. She opens the front door and torrential rains come in. She opens the back door, knowing this storm will blow through and there will be a mess to clean up, but it's OK." }, { "number": "2490", "head": "05/25/93", "content": "I am captured by a bad guy who is going to have sex with me and then kill me. He and his henchmen get us (four of us). I try to run. He has guns. He is chasing. We are wondering where the nearest safe place is. Then I see Josh. I tell him we need a place to hide and he says, \"You can hide in here.\" We start to hide when we see him drive up. He'll see us. We hide in a closet. The man comes in with a rifle and is looking around. Now I feel bad for Josh who is in danger because of us. He is diverting them to the outside when the woman driver who we escaped from enters with a gun. Josh says, \"That's my wife.\" Uh oh! Dilemma. Where are his loyalties? He acquiesces and stops helping us. I see Josh and look at him, wondering if he'd still help us. The feeling is he would if he could. [NOTE: ALL FEMALE CHARACTERS (AND ASSOCIATED NARRATIVE) WERE DELETED FROM THIS DREAM REPORT.] [FORMERLY #2491" }, { "number": "2491", "head": "05/26/93", "content": "Paul and I were lovers many years ago. I see him surrounded by his adoring fans. He looks up and says, \"Who is that?\" I say, \"B.\" He doesn't recognize the name, so I say Lydia (I think) which was my name when I was younger. He realizes it's me and comes out of the group to meet me. We meet and embrace. It is very tender. We obviously still love each other. He is pregnant and old and soft. I lovingly put my hands on his belly to feel the full belly with child. Then I gently touch his face. We walk together in an embrace, kissing very tenderly now and then. I ask how he is. He says, \"Married, did you think I'd just wait after you left me?\" I wonder how I ever managed to leave Paul Newman. He has children in his marriage. He says, \"It's my door; I want it shut.\" He knocks over some kitchen metal things that were propping the door open and it shuts. She comes out. She is pretending to be mad at him, but she is only affectionately scolding him. I pick it up and say, \"I'll do your toenails.\" Paul says, \"Mine?\" He's quite content for me to do that. I say, \"No, Tia's, your daughter's, if she'll let me, so there, Mr. who-loves-pink-and-gray\" (or who looks good in pink and gray). Now I have a picture of the weeping willow Paul and I kissed under. I look at it sadly with loving regret. Paul sees this and sighs, looking at me with love. We both love each other so much, but it won't work because he is married and has a family. [NOTE: ALL FEMALE CHARACTERS (AND ASSOCIATED NARRATIVE) WERE DELETED FROM THIS DREAM REPORT.]" }, { "number": "2492", "head": "05/26/93", "content": "I am a man who works too much, very responsible. A younger man is trying to convince me to hang out with him and have a bit of fun. I am sort of a policeman detective type person and am on a case. Just as the tiger lunges for me, I fire the shotgun in his mouth and he dies right next to me. The policeman comes and gives details of the case to his superior officer. Now I am he and wheeling down the sidewalk. The young man invites me to come to his commencement party. I say, \"I can't, I have work to do.\" Then I say, \"Oh, what the hell, why not?\" and start to cross the street, against the light. I look to see if cars are coming; they aren't and I go. I see a dark sky to my left and ahead, a huge rainstorm. As I get to the other side of the street, the rains start. I hope I have my poncho to put on. [NOTE: ALL FEMALE CHARACTERS (AND ASSOCIATED NARRATIVE) WERE DELETED FROM THIS DREAM REPORT.]" }, { "number": "2493", "head": "05/27/93", "content": "I am newly married to a blind man like Patrick of Dover. I look through the crowd of people and see Patrick, annoyed with me, getting someone to help him go put my chair under the awning. He walks up to me and hugs me gently and says in a lecturing tone, \"Now dear, you left your chair out in the rain. It could have been ruined.\" I grit my teeth and say thinly, \"Thank you.\" We hug but I am distant and angry. He feels that. He says, \"What's wrong?\" I say, \"What's wrong? I don't have to do what you tell me. I don't like that tone you take like you are my owner now that we are married. This isn't working out.\" I site another incident where he gently, tyrannically insists I do what he wants me to do. I resent that tone and don't want to knuckle under. Meanwhile the torrential rains pour down outside. [NOTE: ALL FEMALE CHARACTERS (AND ASSOCIATED NARRATIVE) WERE DELETED FROM THIS DREAM REPORT.]" }, { "number": "2494", "head": "05/27/93", "content": "A neighbor man lets me lean on him and helps me into the house. Ellie informs me that my ex-husband has come through and sold the house. I am furious because if they had told me this before the meeting, I wouldn't have had to go through all this. I say, \"I'll just wake him up and tell him off.\" The girls defend him and tell me not to bother him. I am mad that they take better care of him than they do me. I just know the husband is going to try and get away with the money from the sale of the house and bilk me of my share. [NOTE: ALL FEMALE CHARACTERS (AND ASSOCIATED NARRATIVE) WERE DELETED FROM THIS DREAM REPORT.]" }, { "number": "2495", "head": "05/28/93", "content": "I am handed a small baby boy to take care of for a while. I try to bathe him and have lots of trouble. There are two men there. One sleeps on the right side of the couch bed thing I am using to bath the baby. The other is trying to help me by getting the water and so on. I finally get him shampooed on his head and then I see I didn't rinse off the shampoo. I hold his head under a faucet spray thing and get it cleaned off, get a blue crocheted thing on him for a diaper and only get one side pinned and then I see he's had a bowel movement. I decide not to clean him up again because it is such hard work and someone on the next shift can do it better. Now I hand him over to another woman and we are packing his things. She puts him on the arm of Uncle Lionel who sits on another couch and says he likes to be touched. So Uncle Lionel lets him lean on him. I sit on the couch at the other end, and as the baby leans back, I put my legs up on the couch to create a fence to hold him. Uncle puts his leg up also and we keep him safe. I say, \"This baby sure has grown since this morning,\" aware that is pretty fast growth. [NOTE: ALL FEMALE CHARACTERS (AND ASSOCIATED NARRATIVE) WERE DELETED FROM THIS DREAM REPORT.]" }, { "number": "2496", "head": "05/31/93", "content": "I go into the bathroom to get ready for my date with Bob H. He'd written that he's coming and would like to see me. He's in the living room with his teen children, a boy and a girl. I try to get into the bathroom to do my hair, but the rock stars are all over and getting their makeup off. Bob thinks I look nice, but I don't think so. [NOTE: ALL FEMALE CHARACTERS (AND ASSOCIATED NARRATIVE) WERE DELETED FROM THIS DREAM REPORT.]" }, { "number": "2497", "head": "05/31/93", "content": "I see one of their husbands in the passenger side. He's injured, \"broken.\" I say \"Hi,\" to him, but in general ignore him. He isn't important and it's kind of a bother he's even there. [NOTE: ALL FEMALE CHARACTERS (AND ASSOCIATED NARRATIVE) WERE DELETED FROM THIS DREAM REPORT.]" }, { "number": "2498", "head": "05/31/93", "content": "I take the part of \"Tommy\" in a play. In makeup no one knows I'm a woman. I do it so well. Ethan gets suspicious and follows me. He discovers it is me and says, \"We must talk.\" He walks me to a room with a big bed and a couch. He sits on the bed and I sit on the couch. He just won't give me any good feedback, no compliments. He's upset I tricked them. Now he and I are seated side by side in an invisible vehicle and he's driving backwards along the coastline. I look back over my shoulder, apprehensive he'll drive us into the ocean. He parks in the grasses where we can see cars drive like they are going to hit us and then they go past. A cop goes by. He says, \"Hope he doesn't catch us. I kind of do this a lot.\" I say, \"How often?\" He says \"Oh, 10, 11 times a day.\" I say, \"OH! Obsessive! The cop doesn't approve.\" Ethan puts his arm around me. [NOTE: ALL FEMALE CHARACTERS (AND ASSOCIATED NARRATIVE) WERE DELETED FROM THIS DREAM REPORT.]" }, { "number": "2499", "head": "06/04/93", "content": "We are invaded by a group of powerful men who belong to the NEW America group, like the communists or something. They are like brainwashing people like a religion does. I fight it. A woman says things and the male leader says, \"I am bored.\" She is hurt, \"You mean to say I am boring?\" Another man says conciliatorily, \"Is it that you are not enthusiastic or interested right now?\"" }, { "number": "2500", "head": "06/07/93", "content": "It's 2:00 in the morning and I am preparing to go to a rally for feminists' rights. I am going to pick up my parents and family and we'll catch a bus to the building, but I'm no sure which building, so I'm asking around. Then I decide to go without the family." }, { "number": "2501", "head": "06/07/93", "content": "Now a man that I am waiting for shows up. We are going to work on the project together. I take photo or something and he edits, I guess. Anyway, the woman comes over and starts to set up a deal with him, and I watch as she says things like, \"A contract? We won't need one.\" He waffles and hems, wanting the protection of his material, but trying to trust her. I realize he's a wimp and would sell himself and then me down the river; no guts. I unplug my machine from his and say to the woman, \"My stuff is not connected with his, so you can't get mine,\" which is what she was finagling for. The man is upset that I won't work with him and I feel very good at having beaten out this selfish, arrogant woman." }, { "number": "2502", "head": "06/07/93", "content": "I am going to fix dinner for Ginny and Ernie and the four kids." }, { "number": "2503", "head": "06/08/93", "content": "I am sort of a stepmother to this man's children and they are horribly mean. They overpower me and tie me up and knock me out and drag me down a trail toward the mountains. They are running away and taking me with them. I wake up and pretend to be unconscious until I get my bearings. I am dragged like I was on a travois, my arms trussed up and my head bouncing against the nearly grown son's butt. I try to escape, now tied to a horse. I run and run. The feeling is I won't escape long. They are evil children." }, { "number": "2504", "head": "06/08/93", "content": "They belong to the bad guy. The male robot man is there and Ellie says he should be allowed to listen to baseball games. He loves them. The bad guy says, \"Well, why not?\" He puts his arm around him and says, \"Is that what you want?\" The robot doesn't respond but Ellie insists that is what he wants. Another bad guy robot says he can't hear them, so let him read about it. Ellie insists he can hear them. She says he's audio. (NLP) I grab him and lay him down, with my legs wrapped around him in a wrestler hold and I say things and watch his eye patterns. \"Yes, he is audio,\" I confirm. The woman robot says she wants to be pregnant. The bad guy agrees. The second bad guy robot says, \"How can you do this?\" The bad guy says, \"It's OK, it's just hypnotist stuff.\" They do it and then I have them back. The robot bad guy says, \"Then I have a favor to ask of you. Will you put this package in MY car? (he owns it but because he's a robot the other guy uses it) and put a nice saying with it.\" I put my arm around his shoulder and hug him teasingly, \"You mean something sentimental and nice?\" I ask. \"Like \"1-2-3-4, beat it, beat it.\" It's a joke and I laugh. [BL]" }, { "number": "2505", "head": "06/09/93", "content": "I am fixing things inside and outside of the house. I have help, from Uncle Lionel and other men and maybe some women. I run from the outside to the inside and back, telling them what I want. I have to tell them where I want them to start clipping the hedge; they are starting at the wrong end. And then inside I have to tell them what kind of shelves and where I want them. It feels like they aren't very helpful. They argue with me and don't think ahead. I scurry back and forth, frustrated." }, { "number": "2506", "head": "06/11/93", "content": "I see a large goldfish in a cute, hooded suit standing on its fins on dry land next to the pond. A cat is nearby and the fish chases it away. I wonder if it can last much longer before getting back in water. Later, I am in a huge house, a mansion. I live there and am exploring the many rooms. I see a series of unexplored rooms off the back and side. One has a huge barber chair in it; another has pinball machines. Another has a bunch of wall clocks that are all exactly alike, no frames, just the numbers in a circle and the hands going around. I consider that a real waste of money. Why would anyone do that? A group of men, musicians, come in from the side door and they each have instruments. The one I talk with has a mandolin in a cloth case. I say, \"What, go out there without even the protection of a banjo in front of me?\" Later, I go outside and see a huge shallow place where it used to be a swim pool. Someone fills it with water. It's shallow but swimable. Now I am on a boat, fishing. I am catching salmon and doing it expertly and well. The driver of the boat is a good-looking man who is very pleased with my matter of fact style of fishing. Then I catch a big one. I'm quite excited. \"Oh dear,\" I say, \"what if it's a dolphin? Or a shark?\" I let it go. Now we get back to the mansion and I'm getting dolled up for the prom party that night. I have a younger sister. We look great. We walk down the stairs. I think the party is in honor of an older grandmother, matriarch. That same man who was the driver of the boat now comes over and invites me to dance. I curl up in his arms and we are a perfect fit. He feels just right. I like being near him. I don't want the dance to stop. We are interrupted by another man. I dance with him, aware that he doesn't feel as good. I am glad to get back to my love." }, { "number": "2507", "head": "06/11/93", "content": "Charla drives a little car/boat up out of the water and onto the cement stairs on land. She was going so fast she couldn't stop. Now I'm seated on a toilet seat and peeing and no matter how hard I try to not let it leak out and get on the floor it goes down my leg and all over the floor. My father and my mother and an Aunt are in the tiny bathroom with me and my father is trying to fix the molding around the edge of the room and this yellow urine puddle is building. I am so embarrassed. I say, \"I'm sorry. No matter how hard I try to keep it in the toilet, it leaks out.\" They help clean it up and try to make light of it. \"I'm not even sitting on my raised toilet seat,\" I say, \"and there is no reason why this is coming out.\" I guess I waited too long before I went and had too much to release. It was an unstoppable flow." }, { "number": "2508", "head": "06/12/93", "content": "Howard and I are in a house. I walk to a back room I haven't been paying attention to. I see a window pane is broken and a large bush is growing in through the hole. I see that someone has tried to fix the window problem. Howard comes in and wants us to talk. I groan, laughing a bit at myself and my resistance to this connection. He is gentle and coaxes me to sit beside him. I point out the broken window and say I hadn't noticed it, but obviously someone did. I was glad they did. [BL]" }, { "number": "2509", "head": "06/12/93", "content": "I am in a house and become aware of a dangerous man outside who is going to come in and hurt me. I must hide. I open a cabinet and crawl in with the blankets. I have a pet dog with me. Together we hide, knowing we'll get caught anyway. We wait in fear. He comes in and stands near the door to the cabinet. He is going to rape and kill me. Then I think the dog makes a noise and he finds us. We are standing in the room and now the man is a tiny deformed midget woman. I have a baby girl who stares at her and ask why she has such short legs. I try to shush the girl as I don't want the woman to be offended and hurt us even worse. I decide to make a run for it and grab the girl and go. It's so hard, like each step is in slow motion and painfully slow and difficult. Now I must return to get the police and pass the house. I choose to take a side road to not be seen, but I'm still so close she sees me. I then think, \"Why don't I just bus to town and then she won't see me?\" I change this and do that." }, { "number": "2510", "head": "06/13/93", "content": "I am seated around a table with some other people and I am explaining a conversational phenomenon. I am explaining like I am teaching a class, and indeed there are a small group of my peers (counselors) I am talking to. I say that it is very interesting because if you are a good observer, you can tell when the conscious mind is speaking and when it shifts to the unconscious mind. I talk about how we are influenced by both and the subtle shifts can be tracked. I talk knowledgeably and the group is very impressed with me. I feel confident." }, { "number": "2511", "head": "06/13/93", "content": "Now I am at another table and am exposing the man who isn't what he says he is. Everyone is shocked to learn this. I feel bad doing this, but it is necessary. Now I go to the window and see a store and people are going in and out and then I realize it is on fire. I see some smoke in the second story. I see people still trying to go in and think that is strange they would chance going shopping in a burning building, although the fire isn't seen yet as it is still small. Then the building suddenly is gone and I am shocked. It is supposed to be there but all I see is a new street intersection. I realize I am looking at a future picture. Later I am at a table with a woman and a woman bartender talking about dreams. We are impressed with their completeness and beauty. Later out the window I see the building again. [BL]" }, { "number": "2512", "head": "06/14/93", "content": "I am in charge of setting the family feast table. I run from one end to the other overseeing. People bring in dish after dish of good foods. I try to organize them in some way, the main dishes here, the salads together there, a bowl of lemon slices at each end of the table. Across the table and facing me is a man watching. He is pleased with me." }, { "number": "2513", "head": "06/15/93", "content": "I am feeling strong emotion and want to go to a cafe where I can sit alone and write about it, or feel it. I walk and walk. I see a cafe, but it's closed. I go to the outskirts of town and see some pancake houses. I go into one and as I am standing at the counter. I talk to a woman friend, maybe Ginny. I have decided to buy an eye thing for this mentally retarded girl so she can see out of her bad eye. It's like buying her an eyeball for part of one so she can see. I'm going to put it on my Visa. As I am doing this, Nate suddenly comes up to me from behind. I see him and I see his 12-year-old son. So we talk like strangers or acquaintances. The back of his son's head is bumpy and big and ill formed. So are his ears. My father is the man at the counter doing my Visa. He hands it back and I ask if he put it in the right (correct) pocket. He hasn't and I'm a bit annoyed. Nate's wife comes in and I try to behave normally and nonchalant. I tell him I'm buying this eye thing for this MR girl. I feel a bit self-righteous. I am then putting my things back in my purse and decide to give my paper toy train cutouts to the son. I hand him one his father has already put together for me and then I see a line of paper doll cutouts all holding hands and give them to him and then see a line of little black animals and give him that. Now I am on my way." }, { "number": "2514", "head": "06/15/93", "content": "I'm in a house. An ornate clock is given me, like a grandfather clock, only table size. It could sit on a table. Howard is there. It seems odd we are together after all these years. Too bad it's too late." }, { "number": "2515", "head": "06/16/93", "content": "Jared invites me to sit next to him on the couch. I don't want to, but hesitate. Finally, I say, as an excuse, \"The couch is too low for me to be comfortable, but I prefer to sit on the chair next to the couch. See, we'll still be sitting close together.\" A compromise. I go to sit on the chair and then a woman, the mother of a man in the room, says, \"Did you throw up in here?\" I feel sticky stuff on my pants leg on the right side and see purple gunk. I stand up. The mother follows me into the next room to assist me in cleaning up. Dora is there helping. We agree it is best to take the pants off so she can thoroughly clean them. I go into the adjoining room to sit on the bed so I can take them off." }, { "number": "2516", "head": "06/17/93", "content": "I am helping a man study some bats. He's a nice man. I like him. We go down to a room where the bats are. We have to be careful. Now we are in a tiny, square room between the down room and the up room, to protect ourselves from the bats, which could attack. Now the man goes upstairs and the other people too, to have lunch. I stay and study the bats. I'd like some lunch, but they don't offer any and I don't ask. I continue working on the bats." }, { "number": "2517", "head": "06/17/93", "content": "I am at a table-like thing; cousin Sebastian and others are there. I am eating my toast and then I want the toast left over on the other end of the table. I can't seem to fill myself up. I lick the jelly off a yellow plastic thing and then get a bit queasy when I realize the paint is in with the jelly. I need to pee, so I go to the women's room. There are two tiny potty chairs, already being used. I go stand up over a toilet no one is supposed to use and pull the shower curtain closed around it. I pee. Delores M comes in. We chat. [BL]" }, { "number": "2518", "head": "06/18/93", "content": "I am flying my own little plane, a two engine something and I notice I am low down like the scene might be seen from a car. It is too low, so I decide to pull it up to 5000 feet, above anything I could hit, like wires or low mountains. I have a hard time getting it up there and feel a bit afraid of heights, but I see the view is breathtaking. I am headed toward M City. Now my parents are calling me on the radio. I have a hard time hearing them and they have to repeat things. They say they have some things they need too talk over with me and can I come over. I say, \"OK, I'll do that now; over and out.\" I call to the airport for landing instructions. The name of my plane is the BabyJo, and some numbers. They tell me what altitude and what direction. I fly over a low hill that is sort of an open air museum of ancient Aztec-like round calendars stones with hieroglyphics on them. I think I'd like to go down there and look sometime. I see one of the smaller stones and think, \"Now that one REALLY is ours. The others are probably loaned out to us by the big museum system, and belong to everybody.\" I find the airport, a circle on the plains, with a runway. I come down OK. The men who work at the airport really want to meet me. I have some reputation they admire." }, { "number": "2519", "head": "06/18/93", "content": "I am working a script and Ernie is there. I think I'm at his house. Ricardo and Rigo are there too. Now I want to go out, perhaps to a rehearsal. I borrow Ernie's car. Ricardo has the keys. I run out to get them from him before he leaves. The key is shaped like a tiny miniature loaf of bread. I have trouble getting the key turned in the ignition. Then I am backing up and nearly hit a car behind me. The car doesn't stop very well and I must really press hard and long on the brakes, but still I slide and keep moving slowly. Ernie is outside looking around the rear bumper saying, \"Be careful, you nearly hit that car.\" I am annoyed because I knew what I was doing and didn't hit it. I am also feeling some relief that I had managed to not hit the car, as it's almost out of my control. I drive forward, slipping and sliding, and look carefully to see if cars are coming. Ernie is concerned that I'll screw up." }, { "number": "2520", "head": "06/20/93", "content": "I am given a task of teaching. I must prepare a series of questions and so on as I will moderate or facilitate a panel discussion on topics given me by my woman boss. It's a big job. I set to work reading the questions and trying to come up with answers so I know the subjects. She comes in and says, \"We need to do it now.\" I'm not ready, but I gamely say I can do it. I kinda think maybe I can manage it. I need to go to the bathroom. We're sort of in the old M City house. I go upstairs and step into a tiny bathroom at the top of the stairs (which never existed in the real M City house). The toilet is broken. There is no seat; it is blue and chipped and not too clean. I remember there is the regular bathroom downstairs at the foot of the stairs and decide to go where it is more comfortable. I kind of peek into the door of the bedroom that used to be my parents'. I don't see much. I go back downstairs. I see a very high step where one of the steps had been removed, probably the one that squeaked and was cracked when I lived there. It's hard to make the step, but I do. I knock on the bathroom door. A woman opens the door and is showing me creams and things for the face, like I was a teen and she was showing me the right way to do makeup. She takes a huge glob of Vaseline in one hand and a huge glob of lotion in the other and mixes them together, all the while lecturing me how oil and water don't mix and this will be very bad to do on the face. I think this is a waste of lots of material, because she uses so much. I leave, not buying anything, feeling a bit guilty as she wasted so much to show me. I go into the kitchen, and pick up my papers. I need to buy stamps now for the teaching job I'm about to do. I buy them from the woman of the lotions. I go into the other room and ask my woman boss did she pay the woman for the stamps? The boss says, \"No, you need to do that, but I can partially reimburse you later.\" What a nuisance, but I return to pay her I ask her how much I owe. She figures for a while and then says 140 dollars. I am shocked that is much more than I thought it was worth. I am frustrated, but feel I must pay it, but resent it. I start to take out the money and first give her some coins -- quarters, pennies, a half dollar coin. I ask how much I've given her so far. She says, \"You're one point short.\" I am annoyed. What does that mean? I ask shortly, \"Does that mean 99 cents?\" She sighs at me, exasperated. \"98 cents,\" she says, like I should know that. I've got a long way to go to make 140 dollars. I pull out the cash, and lay out the full amount, not liking doing this." }, { "number": "2521", "head": "06/20/93", "content": "I live in an apartment at the top of the stairs. Apparently they are giving a tour of the building because people are coming in. I don't want them in and I run to the side door and slam it shut and lock it and go to the living room and shut the drapes, and make a sign that says \"Not On Tour\" and tape it to the front door and slam it shut, but not before a man, a woman, and a teen girl come in. They are stealing things from me and I go to the bedroom and get my shotgun. I come out and point it at the man. He laughs, and continues to take things. I aim at a shoulder or a leg, a nonvital part, and I shoot. I mean business. He backs off. I shoot the woman in the stomach and she falls out of the room and down some stairs. I go to see her and she is curled in a fetal ball with lots of blood coming out of her belly area. Now I pick her up and run to the emergency room with her. They are busy and not too caring there. I carry her to a bed a nurse takes me to." }, { "number": "2522", "head": "06/20/93", "content": "Now I am back at the apartment and the teen daughter returns. It is Lydia's \"daughter\" and Lydia was the woman I had shot, sort of. The daughter is being evasive and I suspect she has taken drugs. We, the woman and I, pick her up as she fights us, and take her to the emergency room. She insists she's fine and hasn't taken drugs. Again we go to the emergency room. We follow the nurse down the hall to a five-bed ward. We choose a bed for her to rest in. I look the room over and decide we chose the right bed after all. The other one by the door is also right by where they put the empty garbage cans and a noisy garbage truck works near there. The doctor comes over and does a test and says she has traces of board and other elements that indicate she has taken drugs. Board is a material that is in some drug as a filler. So now we can take her home. I sit her up in a chair ready to carry her home and I say to her, \"You better listen girl, the third times the charm. You do this another time and you will not be rescued. We won't do it again. You will have to suffer the consequences. We mean it, too.\"" }, { "number": "2523", "head": "06/21/93", "content": "A man and I are trying not to get caught in the spell of the aliens. I have hidden something important, maybe the essence of me, in a tiny, miniature doll I keep in a small case with other miniature dolls. They are searching everywhere for this little doll. I must not let them be aware I know where the essence is or that I am aware they want it from me, pretend I don't know nothing. I had put the doll in a safe place. One of them had come into my room and was spraying the walls with a shower nozzle spray thing. I demanded they stop that, I know they are searching for the doll. They leave the room. Now one of them, sort of like a gay man, gets suspicious I'm not under their spell. He bites me on the neck, or something like that. Now I pretend to follow him around. I sit down He leans over me from behind me, so his hands are on my thighs and his skinny, naked chest is right by my mouth. This is supposed to heat me up sexually and I'm a slave for his touches. I do get sexually excited and suck on his nipples and arch my back to get orgasm. Inside, I shrug to myself. This will throw them off track. They are very suspicious of me." }, { "number": "2524", "head": "06/21/93", "content": "I am a young woman who lives in a huge family. It is so big there are no places in the house where you can be alone. The couch is overrun with squabbling siblings of all ages. I want to go to the bathroom and must rush in and try to lock the doors before I'm interrupted by other siblings. This is driving me crazy. Finally I can't take it any more and I decide to run away from home. I hit out at some of the fighting kids on the couch as I pass them as I head for the front door. I get on my bike and go. Now I'm on a road, gravely, and following a huge truck. Now we are in a tunnel and it is dark and fearsome. I hope I don't get killed. I make it through to the other side. It's a town. I have the feeling the time period of this dream is older and maybe in Ireland. I want to find a place to live, an apartment, but of course I have no money. The shops are like in an indoor mall. I go to the bad part of town and see a carnival-like thing and wonder if I'll resort to taking a degrading job just to earn money for survival. But I pass the temptation of being a come-on girl for a booth and go to a counter where they do movies and ask the girl/woman there if they have any jobs. She laughs and says, \"This is a very specialized job.\" I don't have the skills or training. I say, \"I know,\" and ask her again if I can have a job." }, { "number": "2525", "head": "06/21/93", "content": "Some man like Raul wants to hang out with me. I live in a tiny trailer, camper-like thing. We hug and I agree he can come stay for a few days." }, { "number": "2526", "head": "06/21/93", "content": "Someone is crawling into a box that is too small for him, perhaps a man." }, { "number": "2527", "head": "06/22/93", "content": "Murphy Brown and the crew are staying at a motel they have rented to do a show. In the garage are four white cars, very spendy and pretty. The show is over and Murphy wants to drive one of the cars. Miles pretends great fear that something will go wrong and says no. Murphy says, \"Yes, let's do it.\" She gets in one car. He gets in the passenger side. She somehow manages to get it out of the garage by driving between the other cars; it's a tight fit. Now she's driving. She puts her arm across the seat and looks out the back window and jokes about how there is no long back end (like my van). Now she's driving fast down the road and Miles is nervous, \"Don't go so fast, be careful. She says, \"Let's see how fast this thing goes. She speeds up. She says, \"I'm only doing 40, and Miles says, \"But it's a 300 mile zone.\" She sees a car ahead and hits the brakes, a fender bender. They stop. A tiny bit of red paint from their car is on our car. He gets out and tries to make it seem it is a dent and much worse than it is." }, { "number": "2528", "head": "06/22/93", "content": "Murphy Brown and the gang are staying at a motel. They're up early for breakfast, eat a lot and then go back to bed, but our room is the passage the employees use to get to their jobs in the restaurant. And now they are up and coming through, so we get up again and have another breakfast. I gorge myself. Jim Dial sings a cute song to Frank, then a sweet love song to me. He shyly reaches out to hold my hand, but doesn't finish the gesture because he doesn't know how to react to my deformed hand. I hold it out for him to hold and he does so. The audience watches, enjoying the scene. Then he sings a magnificent opera to a large woman on my left. The audience agrees it's his best song. He leaves, with a little self-satisfied grin on his face. Now Corky and I and another woman are going to lie down and nap, but hey, we're on vacation, what is there to do round this seaside resort? We are restless, wanting to do it all." }, { "number": "2529", "head": "06/23/93", "content": "My parents are moving five miles east of A City, near M City in L City. I think maybe I might move there, but then I remember it's a smaller town and only one main street. I'd not be as entertained there as I am in E City downtown, with places to be. But it might be nice to go back, revisit the emotions that town brings to me. So I'm going to help them move, I think. I get in the car, which is a VW bus. My father says, \"You sure drive that well.\" I say, \"I learned how to drive on one of these.\" Now Rochelle is driving and we are going up the coast. The ocean is on the left. We are going to M City to visit. A TV crew is preparing to tape something. A man crew member does two jobs. He is right now creeping up to something with a cardboard he sometimes wears like a disguise or a sign, with a hole cut out for his face. Now we are still driving. A young girl is concerned, a man is like a lawyer or judge and they are trying to determine if the girl has been sexually abused. The man says, \"Maybe she hasn't, and just thinks she has.\" Now I have a \"memory flash\" A hand is beckoning me from an attic room. I am maybe 5 or 6 years old and my family is temporarily living with another family, a black family, and everyone is gone for now. I go up the stairs to this attic room and the man is smiling and says, \"Come on in, let me show you around.\" I go in and there is a couch, bed thing and he lays me on that and talks dirty and plays with himself. His wife comes in and talks, like nothing much is going on. Maybe it wasn't so awful, then. Then I feel sexual excitement and masturbate to orgasm, feeling a little guilty that I should enjoy such stuff." }, { "number": "2530", "head": "06/24/93", "content": "I see an image. I am on the very top of a heap of people. I lay on my back, face up toward the sky, reaching out to touch what? the sky itself? God?" }, { "number": "2531", "head": "06/25/93", "content": "I am a woman who lives on a piece of land that has a mountain of trees from the back door on and a central (state) rocky terrain from the front door. I am garrulous and talking to a woman friend. Some men come to the door and I let them in and I'm telling my woman friend how we get our food here, that we won't go hungry because I grow pumpkins in the back. In fact, I'll be serving my men guests pumpkin pie for dinner tonight. I walk to the front door and look out and up. I see a square hole being sawed out of the blue sky and four men in blue shirts fall out of the hole like they'd been kicked out of heaven. They fall across the sky, rather than down, toward earth. There are four holes or so. I marvel that they start healing themselves up and soon there are no holes in the sky. I go back in explaining about what I saw to my friend. I carry a one-dollar bill in my hand and a shirt. I wear a black crocheted shawl over my T-shirt and jeans. I have ample bosoms. I'm going to give this one-dollar to the young man who has come to visit. I try to find a place to put the dollar so no one will see it and get tempted to steal it. First I lay it under a backpack on a shelf, then I tuck it into my jeans pocket. I say to the woman, \"They had blue shirts on too. I guess when you are drummed out of heaven, they don't take your blue shirt from you too.\" I laugh." }, { "number": "2532", "head": "06/26/93", "content": "I give back the car keys to my boyfriend, who isn't treating me well. He's like Ted Danson on Cheers, a womanizer. I feel some regret because now I don't have a car and will have to figure out how to get around on my own. Now his other girlfriend needs to tell him goodbye and I am encouraging her to have the courage. She struggles and hesitates. I whisper, \"Come on girl, come on. You can do it.\" Finally she does. She tells him it's over. Now I have to lead some group in a discussion of feelings. Two men have trouble. One is trying to share his feelings and another man is belligerent and noisy and interrupts him and they get into a verbal fight. Finally I say, \"That's enough, you, leave.\" The man defies me and then finally leaves. Then they all leave. Now I am left with cleaning up and shutting the place up myself and I hadn't done that before. I don't know how to turn down the damper on the stove to get the fire to go out and be safe. I feel overwhelmed and frustrated and a bit of a failure for not managing to keep the group together. [BL]" }, { "number": "2533", "head": "06/26/93", "content": "Chuck, one of the men of that previous dreams group, doesn't want to share his feelings and suggests the democratic nonsmoking group meet to discuss how not to participate in the feeling sharing part. I'm trying to convince them to try it; they will feel much better. One man says, \"But it is too dangerous and hurtful.\" I explain patiently that if one lets the feelings out when they are small, there is no harm or danger. It's when you keep them stuffed inside until they grow and grow that they can explode and hurt. He's not convinced." }, { "number": "2534", "head": "06/27/93", "content": "I'm at a class and the man teacher is drawing things on the board. I am amazed that in just a swipe of the chalk, he can draw quite complex pictures with perspective. I say, \"Does everyone but me draw good?\" Then I go closer and see that the complex pictures are already on the board and when he swipes the chalk over it, it raises the picture up so we can see it. I say, \"Oh, so that's how you do it.\" He shushes me; he doesn't want the others to know. Then I put a pink baby bonnet I made on his head, as a joke, and giggle at how silly he looks. Then it's graduation time and I receive some plants and some cats as gifts, a black cat and an orange one. The plant looks like a bird of paradise plant. It needs to be transplanted to do well. Now a fat woman named Velma (from high school) says she's getting married right now. She wears a pretty pink night gown and I go get the baby bonnet made and give it too her to wear as her veil. I give her the orange cat back. I carry it to the car. Her husband gets in, she gets in and I hand her the cat. They drive away. I go in to transplant my plants and take care of my black cat." }, { "number": "2535", "head": "06/27/93", "content": "There are vague images of cutting open a stomach, taking out the incubating alien." }, { "number": "2536", "head": "07/07/93", "content": "I am preparing to write a play or something and the deadline is approaching. I am procrastinating. I sit at a table and Arthur sits on my left. I am at the head or end of the table. I am talking with him and pat his hand and he reaches and keeps hold of my hand in an affectionate gesture. I am surprised. This isn't usual for him to be demonstrative. It's a convenient part of the procrastination, but now it's nearly time to be on stage and I quickly come up with an outline. We get on stage and I look around at the few props and so on and we begin improving dialogue. Then I realize we are on the wrong stage. This is the backstage, behind the one where the audience is waiting. I can hear them. A crewman comes and I say, \"How do we get up on that stage?\" I see a crawl hole I might have to climb up, a tight fit and a tough climb. Then he helps me and I tell him go get the props and be sure to bring my power wheelchair. I'll use it in part of the play. Now I am seated in the wheelchair. I hold a microphone in my right hand, and light a cigarette (for the part), kind of surprised I allow myself to smoke. I kind of enjoy doing it again. My chair gets a bit caught up in the fringe of the curtain and I struggle with the mike cord, but get on stage and begin the play. I circle around the stage examining where the props are so I know what I have to work with. I see two pianos, and one has ink pens on it for the survey bit and another has matchbooks on it. I notice that the grand piano can't be played from the position it is in and decide it doesn't matter. A woman comes in and she sits and gets a massage. I create dialogue with her as we go. I say, \"Are you here for a nice massage?\" She says, \"Yes.\" I suggest after the massage, she start filling out the survey (seeing as that's the structure of the play, that survey about relationships). We doing OK when I realize the audience is far away; there are not very many of them. I see a row in the front of seven or eight women and then lots of empty seats and some more people scattered in the back. The curtain isn't fully open and blocks us from the audience view. I wheel over to where the curtain is partly open, more at the center of the stage, and send my dialogue at them, but must return to the side of the stage where we are doing the play. It is uncomfortable, not working well." }, { "number": "2537", "head": "07/09/93", "content": "I am a teen boy and I go into my house and steal things from my mother. She comes in the back door and I go out the front door. She yells at me and starts chasing after me. I run and get on a truck, hitchhiking. Now I charm all the young ladies and use them and then throw them away. Each girl is represented by a short box of Kleenex. When the box is empty, I sweep it out in a sweeper that is the same shape as the box, one after another. They cry and beg, but I love them and leave them. I am in a car, in the trunk now, and see I'm in central (state). I get out and wander around. I walk down a road and see berry pickers and listen in to their inane conversations as they talk to each other to pass the time as they work. Then I see I am in town and see a beautiful teen girl, a perfect cheerleader type. I want her and begin to lean on walls and smile and flirt. She looks directly at me, so that for a moment, I am her. She ignores him and is also very aware of him. She walks on down the street and he follows her everywhere. She goes into a cafe. He does too. She is eating. He says he wants her napkin. He gets up, in a flirty move, and takes her napkin, dips it in another boy's glass of water, flirting with him simultaneously and then hands the napkin to the bad boy. Now the bad boy is challenging her to a hot dog eating contest. He says three, she says no, just two. He insists. They argue the numbers back and forth. Then suddenly she falls to the ground and lies there in a trance. He gets up and looks. She has a cross-eyed mad woman look on her face and a message is written across this \"picture.\" It says \"Mad Dog Alison, brutally beaten.\" It was like she had another dark personality under her beautiful one because she's been abused." }, { "number": "2538", "head": "07/09/93", "content": "Bad men are threatening. They have a CD disk-like thing that is very powerful and can explode. Data decides to take over and strong-arms the men away from him as he blows a flame from his mouth to light a candle (like a birthday cake candle) that will set the whole place afire. He then decides to keep the CD disk thing. Why destroy all that power even if it could be dangerous in the wrong hands? The flames are starting too get big so he starts to leave, then noticing that the oven is on and the roast is now cooked well done. He turns the oven down and then off, thinking how sad to waste a perfectly good roast. Bad timing, but it can't be helped. He leaves." }, { "number": "2539", "head": "07/12/93", "content": "I decide to go out and get a newspaper. I decide to go in a different direction than I usually do. I discover the usual way up the sidewalk has been \"improved\" and is now more difficult for me to traverse. It is like a ladder made of cubicles, and inside the cubicles (boxes) are bricks put in a pattern that makes a toe hold difficult for me. I struggle up each one, hanging on hard, hoping I can make it. I get to the top and crawl over the top. A man stands there wondering if he should offer help. I say, \"Help me,\" holding out an arm. He does. I go down a street and see a store and go in to get my newspaper. I see the president is there at a conference, perhaps in the basement, and then I am now in a skimpy outfit where all the women are being fitted for these form-fitting halter top-like things. A woman stands right behind me saying she can see I'm being fitted, so she'll follow me so she can get fitted. I am annoyed and say I am not being fitted. Each halter top is alike, a white square top with straps that force the boobs up prettily. Some women's boobs sort of drop under the wire cup outfit a bit. I decide since the president is here, I'd might as well take advantage of this and go complain about these changes in the sidewalk that now make it harder for me to get around. I go down and find both Bush and Clinton there. I walk up to Clinton and say, \"Although I have to blame Bush, as it was his administration that made the plans, it is you that has to change it back. We have to be more aware of the environment and how it affects the disabled.\" He looks annoyed and I say, \"I know it costs money and is unpopular, but it has to be done if any change will happen.\" As I continue talking, I am now talking to a president who is a woman. She hands me something, a lacy cloth \"paper.\" Another woman sits on the couch and says to her, \"Well, you sure have pretty feminine paper here.\" The president says, \"I get a lot of teasing. The men don't like it; it will take some time for them to get used to this change. I notice my lacy panties are down around my ankles and I start to struggle, pulling them up. A man is seated across from us and he is trying not to stare. I am trying to be subtle, but in fact I am standing there hiking up my panties. I get it almost up and give up in frustration, sitting down with them uncomfortably wrinkled up almost at my hips. The woman says to the president, \"Well, you sure can tell you used to teach the third grade and not...\" (and she named some male traditional occupation.)" }, { "number": "2540", "head": "07/16/93", "content": "I am in a house and two young married couples are there kissing and hugging and I feel like a fifth wheel. I smile indulgently remembering there are lots of bedrooms here and stroll on out to have breakfast. I go outside and see Charla. I am dancing in an exercise kind of way. There is lots of good energy; it's time to move again. I pick up my mail and open an ad for the new Mobil station, which has just been remodeled and open for business. Charla says, \"What did I get?\" and I say, \"This is just an ad. Let's go get breakfast.\" She picks up a glass of milk from a table in a cafe where people are seated and drinks. We smile and go on to fix breakfast." }, { "number": "2541", "head": "07/19/93", "content": "I am at a sort of hotel, but it's where my family lives. The relatives are coming over. I offer them juices to drink. I say, \"Orange? cranberry? grape?\" They don't like the cranberry suggestion. I go into my mother's room to find the juices to make (frozen juices). I am also looking for the script of American Woman because I want to share that with my relatives. They weren't at the reading last night. I can only find the first few pages and the end page. I remember I have the video and can show them that. I say to Patricia, \"Don't worry. We'll set it up in two different rooms so only those that want to see it will; the rest we can entertain in other ways.\" I am going to go down the stairs and see an elevator and then see a glass French door to another area of the hotel. I realize I want to go there and see what that part is like. I go in and see I am standing on a sort of balcony looking down over a huge, beautiful room that has a waterfall where the huge fireplace area would be. The sound is beautiful. I feel the balcony area wobble and shake. I lay down on the floor to balance it. I feel it is important to be there and balance, listening to the beauty of the waterfall. I return to the main room and see a cousin, male. I say to him, \"I want to share with you this special place I found.\" He is spiritual and agrees. I see another male and invite him to join us. I say, \"I forgot your name; no, I remember, it is Erik Erickson.\" They have both written books about their particular New Age spiritual feelings, and are open to the wonders I want to show them; or at least they wouldn't laugh at me. They agree to come with me to the balcony in the other room to look at the waterfall. Other relatives wander around, Aunt Naomi, cousin Patricia, cousin Lenny. They do not understand. I know that and it is all right. I'm not asking them to join or to understand." }, { "number": "2542", "head": "07/20/93", "content": "A group of people are waiting to use a public restroom. I am inside and point out to someone that there are two stalls that flush, one in a stall for privacy, the other just out there in the room. I say we could save time if we used both. Someone sits on the private one and farts and makes noises loudly as a statement about how they feel about doing this publicly. I grimace and smile; it is expected they would do this childish thing, and it is kind of funny. I go out to the group and tell them that we do have two stalls and it is their choice if they feel they can handle the embarrassment to use the open one. We'll get done faster that way." }, { "number": "2543", "head": "07/21/93", "content": "I am so sad and I cry. Jock holds me from behind in a gentle counseling embrace as I sob and sob. We lay down under a table and I make some joke about being tabled while I'm being counseled. I feel exhausted, with a headache." }, { "number": "2544", "head": "07/22/93", "content": "I work for a radio station and am very well endowed in the breasts. I wear a shapeless sweatshirt to cover me up so men won't stare. They are going to a company party thing at the \"\"farm.\" I go inside and then overhear a conversation the men are having about me. One says, \"I don't know if she's with us or not.\" I can't tell if there is a commitment. She seems to not care one way or the other. I realize this is so, and go to a closet and choose a pretty jacket to wear to the party. Now I look very good and I go out there to join them but all the men stare at my breasts and it makes me very uncomfortable. I get on the piece of shingled roof we are going to fly on with the man, who is like the WKPR radio salesman, a sleaze ball. I tell Charla to sit nearer me and not so close to the edge. We start to fly. It is precarious and I nearly fall off several times. We arrive at the farm and I see the cows, one a scrawny tough old male. I say, \"I hope I don't meet up with him.\" We go on to the house." }, { "number": "2545", "head": "07/29/93", "content": "I am lying on a couch, dead like. I look around the room and see it is still exactly like the moment the accident happened that killed me. A plant like my angel wing begonia lies in pieces on the floor where it was knocked over. A woman picks it up and brings the stem and leaves to me and says, \"Look. Part of this is still alive. But it is without care and water for so long, but if you take care of it, it will live again.\" I am saddened and amazed that this could be revived. I sit up, now realizing I too am alive. My parents (sort of like Grandma Mildred and Grandpa Lloyd) are in the room and I get up and walk to them. They are shocked and happy to see I am alive. I go to Grandpa \"dad\" and he is seated in an easy chair, and I say to him, \"Don't ever do this again. You left me for dead.\" He apologizes and his eyes are sad as he realizes what he did. I go back and sit on the couch and look out the window. High up on the hill is a new building, the new schoolhouse. My friends are there. I wave at them and my best friend sees me and they all run down to see me, so glad I am alive again. They swarm into the house. I am excited to see them. A man is there, a boyfriend of my friend, or my boyfriend. We all hug in reunion. I go out with them to get on the bus. [BL]" }, { "number": "2546", "head": "07/29/93", "content": "I am told by Bonnie that there is a possible scholarship coming up that I can apply for. I go to the meeting and stand up to present my case. I can't seem to get around several black women of the committee who will make the judgment. I need to get up to the front of the stage so I can give a clear plea for my case. I finally just squeeze around them and feel like I'm being rude by standing in front of them, but I do it. Maya Angelou is in the audience and is on the committee that will make the decision. I tell them I write. \"I am a freelance writer. I write poetry, plays, screenplays, and novels as well as other things, and I could use the 200 dollar grant or scholarship.\" I ask someone if it should be called a grant or a scholarship. They say, \"Scholarship.\" My friend Bonnie, who is also on the committee, comes up, looking unhappy and sad. She says, \"I'm sorry, but I have to tell you that I can't vote for you, and the others shouldn't as well because I had forgotten the rules. You would have to publish five things in five years and I don't think that is possible.\" She walks away, upset she had to do that to her friend. The women go away, believing her. I am hurt and angry. I go looking for Bonnie. I am in the old M City kitchen and I hear Mateo calling me from the bathroom. He comes out and says, \"Hi,\" and talks in a friendly way. I say I like his longer hair style. I go out, calling Bonnie. She comes to me and I say, \"I can't believe you did that.\" She says, \"I'm sorry, I had forgotten the stipulations and I had to do that.\" She is torn between two loyalties, me, her friend and they, her community. I start to gather up my audio tapes I'd used as evidence of my work and accidentally pick up some others and put them back. They have sticker labels on them with their names on it and I wonder if I bothered to label mine with my name. I ask where Maya Angelou is. I really wanted to talk to her and meet her. Bonnie says, \"She's tired and busy and has gone on.\" I am disappointed. Bonnie then goes to do other things and I call after her. \"I can't believe you didn't have enough faith in me and my work that you believe I can't be published five times in five years. If I can't do that, I shouldn't even be writing.\" I repeat that. \"I shouldn't even be writing if that were true. The only reason I haven't done it so far is that I haven't been marketing and sending my work out. I'd do that.\" She looks at me and turns to go talk to the black woman on the committee to rescind her statement. I wait." }, { "number": "2547", "head": "07/29/93", "content": "I am somewhere, a house, perhaps. Dovre is there. A small third grade girl is there, maybe Paulina, and Ginny and cousin Abner. I am busy doing something, maybe trying to clean up. Xmas presents are in a pile and cousin Abner says one is on the floor and Paulina says, \"Is it the ceramic cat?\" I smile at her naive way she gave away the info of her gift to me. I say, \"I don't know, I'll have to wait until Xmas and see. Paulina is making something and I say, \"Hey, you're pretty good at arts and crafts.\" She smiles and suggests she use my Lessons 9 and 10. I smile at her clever way to get my arts and crafts stuff to use. I say, \"We'll do something together later. Then I see Dovre is in a small room and blowing up a square plastic thing and I say, \"What's that, a square globe of the world?\" she shakes her head no. I say, \"Then what?\" She pulls out a handle on the side and puts it at her feet. \"Oh, a hassock, I say, \"are you opening your Xmas gifts early?\" I ask. She shrugs and agrees. I say, \"It's your gifts, but I sure wish you'd wait.\" She seems depressed and I say, \"There are other ways you can beat this depression than opening your gifts early and being disappointed in them.\" I smile at her, implying that I as a counselor can give her good ways to lick the depression. Then I see a white cat, scrawny and ill, crawl up and lay down near me. Its left paw is unusual, almost like a cross between a hand and a turkey claw (or chicken claw). I say, \"Hey, I think it's sick.\" I say to Paulina, \"Let's get it some food.\" Abner comes by and I say, \"We'll give it some food and send it on its way,\" knowing it'll probably stick near us if we feed it." }, { "number": "2548", "head": "08/05/93", "content": "A young boy around 8 years old is in an orphanage. The head mistress doesn't like him and picks on him. Now he is 14 and has given birth to a baby. No one knows who the woman was, or maybe she gave birth but he has the baby, I'm not sure. Anyway, here comes the dark-haired, fierce, stone-faced head mistress looking for him. He hides with the baby in a box in the closet, covering them up with clothes. She is suspicious and sniffs around very close. A sheriff is called in and he and his men are around looking too. The boy calls out for help from his peers. They decide to create a diversionary tactic so he can escape. The boy comes out of hiding and runs. He calls the head mistress a lesbian. Her face goes red. She is livid with anger at this accusation. It is unclear if she's angry at a false accusation, or if she is feeling caught and embarrassed. She clearly is angry. He runs and then stops long enough to pick up a small box which has a tiny woman in it. The woman is a teacher at the orphanage and is the mother of the baby. She seduced the boy and he kept it secret to protect her. He says goodbye to her and goes off. Now time has passed and he's a grown man in his own home. He works hard and has a nice home, but he loves to iron clothes because it feels satisfying to get out the wrinkles. He does this when he wants to feel relaxed and happy. The sheriff returns to question him about the origins of the baby. He calls to a man, a gay man, to come and tell the sheriff they were together that evening to help with an alibi. The man hesitates and then agrees. Someone tells the young man he acts like a woman and prefers to be like a woman, by that I mean not physically, just in the things he likes to do, like cook and clean and raise the baby and so on." }, { "number": "2549", "head": "08/08/93", "content": "I am trying to fill out the forms for Social Security. Andrea has written out the right words for me in a succinct paragraph. I see the form has four parts with a question and a long blank space to answer in. I lay out the four pages so I can see them all in a row so I can make sense of them better. I partially copy her sentences and rewrite it with my own ideas. and words." }, { "number": "2550", "head": "08/08/93", "content": "I am at a bar and am attracted to this man. He asks me to dance, and it seems promising. I have some concern that he is just a jerk and I don't see it. I go into the restroom to ask my girlfriend who has dated him what she thinks. She says he's not perfect and has his faults, but he's OK. I decide to take him home with me and see what happens. I am attracted and he to me. Then for some reason, I am supposed to have the hair on my legs permanently removed. I am in a hospital-like room and the nurse has me lie down on my tummy on some surface like an ironing board. I ask, \"Will it hurt?\" The nurse laughs and says, \"Of course it will.\" I tense up and flinch every time I think they are going to start. The nurse says, \"We have to take you to the other place.\" I get on a bus. We drive and the bus stops, parked. The bus driver gets out, then the bus starts back up. I say, \"Are we moving?\" and look out the window. We are slowly moving and the speed is increasing. People start to get upset. Another woman gets up to go to the seat to try and stop the bus. I push her aside and do it myself. I say, \"I can do it.\" I steer and push on the brakes, and get us back to our parking space safely, carefully trying to avoid running over the tea cups sitting all over the area. Now we go inside, a woman \"witch doctor\" type takes me into a room, a round room with lots of windows. My man friend is there. She hypnotizes me and I float up and smile pleasantly at the man. She says, \"I'll try it now and see if she feels it.\" She does my legs and I feel no pain. Now it's the next day and I see strange men in a line outside the window. It's flashbacks from the trance. Two men come in, a short one and a tall one. I ask for their names. The short one says his name. I say, \"Did you say your name was Violent?\" He says, \"No, I said my name was Violet.\" \"Oh, that's better,\" I say. Now I am home and doing dishes and thinking about that nice man I danced with. He comes in the door and we smile. We dance and kiss; it's very pleasant." }, { "number": "2551", "head": "08/09/93", "content": "I am in a town and walking down a sidewalk. Charla is in a box, a cardboard box, and playing. I pick up the box and am carrying her home (feels a bit like M City). We pass a group of her first grade class doing some summer time activity, like a class picture. She decides now she wants to join them. I say, \"Too late. You could have joined them before, but you chose to play around.\" Charla cries and I resolve to continue, to be consistent. I say to the group as we pass, \"Sorry.\" The teacher understands. As we continue on, I realize Charla will be missing lots of fun and I circle around and ask the teacher if it's too late for Charla to join them. She says it's fine. I lecture Charla (an empty swim suit) about next time, I won't give in, if she dawdles and plays around, then I will follow through and take her home. She gleefully runs off to play with them." }, { "number": "2552", "head": "08/09/93", "content": "A woman asks another woman to take professional photos of her as she writhes around on the floor. She is sheepish and semi-apologizes for taking advantage of the moment to get her work done (the work of selling her product, namely herself). The woman with the 35 millimeter camera shrugs; she's not too happy about this, but acquiesces. I happen to have my camera and also take pictures. We are snapping fast as the woman poses and smiles sexy and twists and looks cute, and changes and looks pouty, etc. She has whips or seaweed things she twists around with and I think that a bit strange, but she must have meant that to happen, as she doesn't seem the type to leave things to chance and probably planned it this way. One shot is her on her tummy with her hands behind her back with the whip-like things around her, like a bondage thing. Then her show business partner, another woman, enters and they want pictures of them both. I agree and they choose to sit on a flower print couch. \"How's this?\" they ask. I say, \"No, it would be better on the other couch, the yellow one, the print is too busy.\" Now my mother is sitting on the flowered couch and asks, testily, if she should get up and out of the way. I say, \"It's not you, it's the couch.\" So we move the flowered couch and replace it with the yellow love seat. There is a lace curtain (like in my apartment) behind it. I snap some shots and see, to my delight, that behind the lace curtain is an ocean with girl children playing in it and the photos are now superimposed shots of the two women's heads surrounded with these laughing, playful girls. I take a number of shots because it is so pretty and nice. Then I stop and say to the women, \"I need to tell you what I see here, because I guess that's not what you really want for your professional photos.\" I describe what I had seen." }, { "number": "2553", "head": "08/09/93", "content": "A group of women meet every Friday. It's a neat group, interesting, creative. Mabel is one of them. I bring a young woman in a manual wheelchair to be included in the group. I am impressed with her. She is intelligent, humane and creative. I had not asked them ahead of time, so she is with me at the meeting where I ask them to include her. The group seems unsure and resistant. Mabel suggests she go and join her own kind of group (disabled). I fire up in defense and point put how she is intelligent and so on and would be an asset to this group. Mabel asks me \"Is she a lesbian?\" I am surprised at the question and then ponder. I answer, \"I don't know. I don't think so. She doesn't look or act like one.\"" }, { "number": "2554", "head": "08/10/93", "content": "I am late for class and am rushing. Another woman is with me. We have a very fat, little obnoxious boy with us who we have to take care of. We decide to take him to the school daycare center. We know we'll meet resistance. The two women see us coming. \"I suppose you will tell us this is our fault, that we forgot the phone call you made to reserve his space.\" I say honestly, \"No, we didn't call. We need your help.\" They refuse us, no room. I turn to the other woman, whose responsibility this really is and say, \"I'm sorry, but I must leave this to you and go on to my class.\" I feel bad, but I must do it. I resolutely do so, handing her this fat boy (maybe 2 years old) even though I feel guilty. I leave her and get to the class. The time has been changed and 1:50 time shows on the clock. The room is already full. I put my classwork, which I am excited about and feel is good work, down in a small spot and stand. There is no place to sit. The instructor (male) comes over to see my work." }, { "number": "2555", "head": "08/10/93", "content": "I am male and swimming in the ocean in front of a huge boat. In order to not be run over, I grab the chain and pull myself on board, only to discover it is a sort of prison ship. A man yells exercise marching orders to the prisoners. I hesitate. Which horrible place do I choose: dive in and swim and maybe drown, or give myself over to this prison setting? I stay on board." }, { "number": "2556", "head": "08/10/93", "content": "I am having a quarrel with someone. I decide to leave and walk. A fat, kind man like John Goodman says he'll drive me. I am angry and say, \"No way, I'll walk.\" He says, \"I can't let you do that.\" He's very big brother or protective. I walk, so he walks behind me. I turn and yell at him to leave me alone. I turn back and continue walking, but I can't help a tight smile because he's being so sweet. We walk in single file and now a large mosquito, only it's really a slim woman, tries to attack me. As long as I create a breeze with this card in my hand by waving it around, she stays just out of reach. She's persistent and I must constantly defend myself. I do so. She waits for me to tire out. Then John warns me a black fly is near. I get under the covers and cover everything around my face. Some other woman wasn't very protective and leaves me vulnerable to the fly attack (maybe my mother). John goes to get some rest. I continue to fend off the mosquito woman. I am tiring and she knows it. I am fencing with her with my blue card and once I move too slow and the card touches her for a moment and she smiles and says, \"I have you now. Next time, you'll stick and then I can move in on you.\" I valiantly fight, but it's harder and harder. Now I have an electric fan that works and then a bigger one that doesn't work. The air stream goes too slow and in the wrong directions. I call to John to come help me. He does, then we continue on our journey. We come to a woman's house and she says we can work for her if we'd watch the Raiders (sports team). I say, \"OK, sure,\" secretly so happy because we always love to watch the Raiders. John and another thin man step back and do a huge happy gesture, kissing the carpeted stairs. I smile at their cute antics and their happiness. We go in. The mosquito seems to be gone now." }, { "number": "2557", "head": "08/12/93", "content": "I am getting ready to go on a business trip to another community college. I remember I should go sign out so the woman in charge will know where I am. I go to the sign up sheet. I sign my name B and write the name of my town. Then I remember it is a different town. I have some difficulty writing things down correctly. Charlene (the personal attendant) says I should have written my name up in this special place, not in the list with everyone else. I shrug and leave it as it is. Then I see Bill Cosby playing good music on a saxophone. Then I and several others are going to get some food for dinner and breakfast. The young man with us, early 20's, gets a forklift-like thing and goes to a great deal of ornate movement to get the loaf of bread off the high shelf. The black janitor that I had asked to get the food watches, shaking his head. I hear music, loud and flamboyant orchestra music, very dramatic, then applause, like a recording of a concert and the audience applauding a great finale. I laugh at the pretentiousness of it all. He could have simply reached up and got the bread. I return to where Bill Cosby is and he is playing a very good sax. I admire him and am wishful I could play for him and maybe he'd see I have talent. I go on, but instead of just walking down the sidewalk, I tap dance. A woman, perhaps Charlene, watches me, admiring my steps. I get to the corner, where my boyfriend waits for me. He and the young man are playing a dice game and I tap dance around the dice. My boyfriend disapproves and asks me to not do that (dance). I am angry, but don't say anything. The young man tells me if I keep it in, I could get ill. I say. I could have just stomped on his dice, but I didn't. I think I tell the boyfriend off and to not tell me what to do. If I want to dance, I will." }, { "number": "2558", "head": "08/17/93", "content": "There are three of us, males. We are planning to take some people, perhaps ourselves, and cook them down to a sauce and drink it. I have reservations. I ask, \"Isn't this like cannibalism? Eating people isn't right.\" They assure me it's OK, because it's us, not anyone else. I am not totally convinced. I go along. We put a small person in a pot and cook it down. The sauce is blood red. He gets it out and offers it to me. I cringe and say, \"I can't.\" I see two cockroaches in it, and exclaim, \"How did they get in there and they are still alive?\" Then the man eats the living cockroach and swallows a few bites of the stuff, which is now thin white thread-like things. I feel queasy and walk away back to our rooms. Slowly, the man starts turning into an insect man. He is coming for me and I run away, trying to get away. I go outside and mingle with bikers and sleazy people. The insect man now has extra feet and legs and is on a bicycle and the extra legs are now a circle of legs and feet and an extra wheel and pedals on the bike. I see some other half and half creatures around, a man's head on a short zebra-like body. Others have sipped the sauce. I run; they chase." }, { "number": "2559", "head": "08/19/93", "content": "I am Paul Newman's dresser. I'm in charge of choosing his matching outfits. He picks some pants and I find matching or coordinated shirts, etc. I tell him I love the movie star Paul Newman and have dreamt about him and then realize he is the same person. I feel a bit embarrassed. He chooses a gray pair of pants and I am upset because I can't find anything to match or go with it. I have failed and I shrug and say, \"Oh well, you'll just have to figure it out yourself then.\"" }, { "number": "2560", "head": "08/29/93", "content": "A married couple. The woman is a doctor and I tell her I'm glad she's going to do the blood work on me. I can get sed rates from my regular doctor, but he doesn't do the RA (RH?) factor and he doesn't do a chemistry scan for what nutrients my body handles well and which ones it doesn't use well, so I'll know what to eat to be healthier. I am visiting their home. There are three men: one the husband, one his good friend and another friend who is visiting at the same time I am a Vietnam vet who is crazy. The woman wants to know if I've seen the meadow yet. I say, \"I don't think so. I've been out to the pasture when we rode horses, and you showed me the side yard.\" I look out and see a garden, isn't it? I see cabbages and lettuce. Then I see something beyond it which is ugly and not kept up. \"I don't know what that is,\" I say. She'd really like me to see the meadow, it's so pretty and quiet and restful. Now I am getting into a small car-like vehicle, like a bumper car or sports car, convertible. I am going to drive it on the sandy course built for this. People are concerned. I might crash. I take the challenge in stride. I speed up for the corner and the audience gasps. I feel very confident and free. I can do this well and enjoy doing it. I swirl around and around, spraying up sand and racing over bumps and hills that everyone thinks will tip me over. I do it all well and come to a spectacular finish and the audience applause is stupendous. They are thrilled and give me an ovation. The husband comes to me and hugs me and we embrace lovingly. He says, \"I love you. You've been living in my basement and growing and growing and I'll always love you, but I love my wife and she's pregnant and growing in that way, but it's not the same. I love you.\" I say I love him. He says, \"But you're not a romantic, right?\" meaning I'll love him and accept the fact that he will remain with his wife. I agree. He's not happy with her, but he is committed to her and will stay. His good friend wants to hug me too, but is blocked by the husband and my mutual love. He stands behind the husband trying to enfold us both in the hug, because that's the only way he can get to me. Later, as he and I are talking, he says, \"We did pretty well when the Vietnam vet came to visit for three days. We all managed. it was hard, but we did it well. We can do it again, now.\"" }, { "number": "2561", "head": "08/31/93", "content": "Jake is being very sweet and communicative. He tells me he sent my father a Valentine's card and letter because we don't appreciate him enough. He is curling my hair for me. He is painstakingly putting it up on tiny screws. Dwight is there somewhere, watching. I am trying to figure out how to talk to him about his upcoming divorce and reassure him that it's OK to talk about his feelings. He and I walk to a wall area, where we can talk alone, as he continues to put up my hair. I lean against the wall and think to myself, \"Maybe this isn't such a good time to talk about this; he'll get angry and maybe pull my hair.\" Then he says, \"You saw me at the beginning of the thing. So I was upset, but I'm fine now. Everything is just fine.\" I realize with a sinking heart, he's totally in denial. \"Fine?\" I ask incredulously. He reassures me emphatically, \"Everything is fine.\" Then my father is in the room, walking with a small girl, maybe a cousin or grandchild. He is going toward the door to the next room and I look up and yell, \"Look out,\" just as the door pops off its hinges and crashes down on him. It's made of glass. The top half is a pretty etched and frosted glass and the bottom half is a regular window glass. It breaks, and he stands up, trying to hop out of the door frame. He steps into the bottom half and breaks it. He says he's OK and I yell, \"Check for cuts. Check for cuts.\" He looks himself over and there seems to be no damage. The little girl had scurried for another room and I went in there to see if she's all right." }, { "number": "2562", "head": "09/01/93", "content": "My brother Dwight and I are working in Dr. A's office doing odd jobs. I am attempting to do a graphics thing on a portable computer I borrowed from some woman. I can't get it to sit up right and she shows me. Dwight is in charge of taking care of Dr. A's cat. Dwight says, \"Let's go to a movie.\" I say, \"OK.\" Dr. A then comes in and suggests we go to a movie with him. He asks if Jake is responsible enough. I say, \"Well, he is 20 years old.\" I then pause and remember, no, he's 40 years old. Dr. A is laying on the ground, sort of in a gutter- like thing in the room. He goes over to talk to Dwight. Dwight tells me that the cat he'd been taking care of died. I look out the window and see a tiger striped cat and say, \"No, he's right out there in the garden.\" Dwight says, \"That's a different cat.\" The cat turns and looks at me and I see the face is different. I give up working on the graphics thing, because I can't get the screen part to stand up at the right angle. I place a ruler under it to hold the angle, but it doesn't work. We go out with Dr. A. I whisper to Dwight, \"Is it OK?\" (meaning not to go to the movie he requested, but go to Dr. A's movie) He says, \"It's OK.\" We go down the hall. I see a sign that says, \"Negative Hypnotists\" or something like that. I think this means this is where patients are taken when the prognosis is negative, to see how they will cope. We go in and I immediately realize this is a psychological testing area (not paper and pencil test, but experimental). The room is huge, long and narrow. A long, long table runs the length of the center of the room. I look around and see Dr. A has chosen a chair in the corner, facing the wall, with his back to us. I say, \"Do you have to sit in the corner?\" (a joke). He doesn't respond and I know that is because he must be a neutral observer and not influence me. I look around and see three or four tiny kindergarten chairs and the examiner seated in one of them. I choose my chair, across the table from him and Dwight sits on my right. Lots of people then enter the room, crazy or depressed or strange people. They wander around the room. I watch. Then a large, muscular, fat woman with short hair comes over really close to me and leans into me. I turn and say to her, \"Get back from me.\" She is belligerent and leans even further into me and says, \"Does this bother you?\" I say, \"Yes, it bothers me.\" I shove her away. She comes back. I say, \"Barb, move back.\" I shove her again. She's hard to move, but I am strong and surer of myself. She repeats this a number of times and finally I manage to push her to the floor and she gets up and leaves. Now everyone leaves. I am alone in this huge room and the doors and windows are shut and bars slam down so it's very obvious I'm being locked in all alone. I feel confident. I know this is a test. I'm not concerned. I even smile a bit at the dramatic flair they do this with. I go to one window where the bars are coming down. They are wooden slats with pointed ends. These ones malfunction and kind of fall softly down and don't completely lock me in. I smirk. Then I walk the length of the room just looking around. As I approach two doors, I see they are partially open and then across the room a white wooden door is slammed shut like someone has just run through and left. I know it is unlocked and they expect me to be desperate and try the door to connect with someone, but I don't feel desperate or curious. I 'd rather explore the two open doors. I go to the first one and push it all the way open. The title of this room is \"Fighting Woman\" room. I go in and see feminist books and hear a recording of feminist books. It's a nice enough room. I go out. I've heard all this before and I go to the next room, the support room. It's a support group therapy room. A body is laying on the couch, covered by a blanket. He starts moving like he's waking up. I see another body on the floor, perpendicular to the couch, her head between the couch and the wall. She was sleeping and is waking up. I step over her to the door. I don't want to stay here and deal with them. It's boring. I am back out in the big room and see the door marked \"employment\" and feel some regret that it is locked, but I'm still in that secure, confident place, knowing this is just a test." }, { "number": "2563", "head": "09/03/93", "content": "Merle has a crush on me and draws porno pictures of me. Lucy and I are looking at them. I am impressed with how big my eyes are, and how pretty. Later, there is a girl named Lori and she is acting out or crying and I say to her, \"This has got to stop or I'll call in the children services division.\" I know she's been abused, perhaps sexually, and maybe Merle and another man are doing it. I am going to report them. I want this abuse to stop." }, { "number": "2564", "head": "09/04/93", "content": "I am in Charla's kindergarten class. the teacher is looking around, and so am I, at the mess created by the children; things flung all over. Two bunny rabbits are hopping around underfoot. She asks the children to help clean up the mess and they aren't very interested. She starts to pick up things and gets the kids into their seats. I see some things still on the floor under the desks and get down and gather up plastic forks and straws. I arrange them on the side counter and then I am now putting silver forks in one dish, and spoons in another, and knives. Some are still wet from being washed. I put the odd-shaped serving utensils in a nice pattern and arrange a couple of pretty glass dishes in the center. Then, as the teacher is doing the lesson for the kids, I go to the back of the room and start arranging my stuff. I decide to take my things back to my room -- Evangeline hats, pretty sparkly jewelry. The teacher joins me as I am straightening things up and talks to me. I figure she gets lonely with only kids to talk to and lessons to do. She starts helping me put things on the dresser. This isn't what I wanted to do, but I let her. I have an owl and a pussy cat (two stuffed animals) and I point out that these three particular hats are Evangeline hats. Charla comes up just as I am pulling out a crumpled old Mexican straw hat out from behind the dresser. She starts pulling at it and wanting to take it and play. I say, \"No, this isn't the time for that.\" She needs to be doing her lessons. She finally agrees and leaves me. The teacher is talking non-stop and I notice her nice teeth. She says, \"We should do some of the lessons outside, it's so nice. Maybe you could a lesson on disability.\" I realize I have become like a mother's helper, teacher's aide for the class and wonder if that's what I want to do." }, { "number": "2565", "head": "09/07/93", "content": "I am the substitute driver for the LTD Bus System. I have a full bus, very crowded. I don't know the route, and follow from one bus stop sign to the next, hoping I'm doing it right. My brakes aren't working well and I have a very difficult time stopping the bus. I stand on the brakes. I decide to call for directions to know my route. I pick up the phone and meanwhile some women are crowded onto the first seat. There is standing room only on this bus and they are boisterous and pushing up against me. I demand they back off. They don't really listen. I notice I am trying to stop the bus and end up crunching a small tree, bending it over as I plow into it because my brakes are so slow to work. The woman on the phone doesn't give me good information about my route and doesn't help me with the noisy passengers. I am frustrated." }, { "number": "2566", "head": "09/11/93", "content": "I am working with the men in some kind of logging camp and then we are showering. I and they are very aware that I am a woman and we are trying to ignore that fact. I keep a towel covering me even in the shower. It's just that I work so well as a man with them that we try to pretend I'm not a woman." }, { "number": "2567", "head": "09/11/93", "content": "I have a crazy mother and a rich, distant father who owns a business. I have a boyfriend who is a good-looking man physically, but not so smart; not stupid, just ordinary. I am laying on top of him, kissing him and enjoying the close physical connection. I say something like, \"Too bad you're not as smart as me,\" and then feel embarrassed at the disclosure. I smile, caught, and confess. I say, \"I guess I think my being so smart is something special\" (not those words, but that feeling). He laughs at my silliness. He tells me my father gave him a job. I am glad. He's to be a waiter in the club. My crazy mother comes by and starts to be crazy and then remembers his name and behaves herself. I am impressed. She must really like him to have done that." }, { "number": "2568", "head": "09/11/93", "content": "I am standing in an odd line waiting to see a movie. I am early and am forming a corner of the line so I'll get in sooner than most people, but it means I'll be standing there for an hour or two. I feel the need to pee. A man and his girlfriend stand on either side of myself." }, { "number": "2569", "head": "09/11/93", "content": "A quick image of a butch woman, large and muscular, coming into my apartment with the intent to kill or harm me. I go to the telephone and dial 911 and turn to fight her off." }, { "number": "2570", "head": "09/12/93", "content": "I am a housewife and cleaning up the apartment. It is constant work and I do it willingly. I fold clothes, do the dishes, cook meals, and care for the small kittens. I pick it up and cuddle it saying in a soft sweet voice, \"Oh, there's the little kitty.\" Later, I have children, two half-grown boys and a six-year-old girl. I then am lighting the candles and am dressed in a 1950's housewife, pretty for my hubby, and he walks in the door with an unexpected dinner guest. I am distressed, but handle it gently and with dignity. Later, I am cleaning up, he's now drunk and off to bed calling for me to come to bed and I am still cleaning up the sink from after the dinner. Woman's work is never done. [BL]" }, { "number": "2571", "head": "09/13/93", "content": "I am writing a play for television and the woman actor says, \"How come the beginning characters were not so good?\" I point out that writing takes time to improve and evolve. The beginning of a series is not as finely tuned as later. She does a beginning scene which has since been changed and improved. I wince at its badness. Now a young man has a crush on me and follows me around. I am embarrassed. I am teaching a writing course and it is unethical for me to return any personal feelings to him. I am putting my long hair up on rollers. He watches and pleads with me to notice him. I try to ignore him, but it is hard. Then I notice another student, a new one, and feel embarrassed I had not paid attention to him before. I am worried he will have lost interest and pull away from the class. Then I would have done a bad job as a teacher. I talk with him, trying to assure him this isn't the way I usually teach class, but I got sidetracked. I have four or five curlers in and realize I have to take them out now and wonder if it was even worth the trouble putting them in because they need time to set the curl." }, { "number": "2572", "head": "09/15/93", "content": "I am trying to take a bath up on the mantle of the fireplace, in a tiny ceramic bowl, white. My feet barely fit in. It is slippery and small and I have nothing to hold on to. It is very difficult, dangerous and frustrating. A large mirror is on the wall facing me. I try hard but can't seem to stay balanced. In addition, people keep opening the door and walking in. I am naked and don't wish to be exposed like that to passersby in the hall. I ask them to shut and lock the door. Then I realize others have keys to the door, so they won't be stopped. I call out, \"Help me, help me,\" as I hang by a rope, having slipped off the mantle. A man comes over and I get back on the mantle. He holds out his hand to steady me and I grasp it desperately. Then I let him help me off the mantle. I say sadly, with strong feeling, \"I've never given up before.\" I am devastated and slip into a non-feeling, non-caring sort of trance or coma. He helps me to the next room, trying to encourage me to wake up. I do not respond. He brings in the straw or hay Xmas tree with gifts and messages from my aunts on it. I do not respond. \"Mom\" is looking through the hay for the broken set of keys to make sure none are lost, because I loved my car and when I wake, I'll want my keys. I see one small key has slipped deeper into the hay, and automatically start to reach out to point to it so she'll retrieve it, but remember I am in a coma and don't do it. I see what's around me but don't respond. I notice my aunts gave me pretty ornaments that are shaped like different kinds of shoes. They are pretty shoes, but why do they think I want shoes?" }, { "number": "2573", "head": "09/16/93", "content": "I am lying in bed and see a man I kind of am attracted to. I let him come to my bed to make love to me and suddenly realize it is Howard. I let him make love to me, but he ejaculates prematurely, I feel no sexual excitement. I am disgusted with him and he is ashamed. He apologizes and I shrug, barely politely accepting the apology. Now I am aware of his wife, who is jealous, and I spend some time in a crowd of people, trying to stay away from this man, now not Howard. He'd sit next to me and I'd look around to see where the wife was and then think up excuses to move away. Now it's time to go see my play. I am waiting for Corinne, who is going to go to the play with me; I have bought both our tickets. She's late. I look for Bonnie and Mateo, who end up not showing up. I decide to go in and leave Corinne's ticket at the box office in case she makes it. I am led in and I announce to the usher, \"I am the playwright,\" so she'd give me the special seating. We go around to the side wings area so I'd see the play from the wings. The entire area is graveled and I notice there are no chairs for the audience. The usher, a woman, sets a chair for me and I tell her I need one for my friend, should she come. She gets it. Now the audience comes in and there are folding chairs set up. A large crowd is in the next room area and then just as the play is to start, they walk across the audience area, to leave. They are some other group. The video cameras and lights go with them. Now the play starts and it is a series of scenes involving kings, magicians and puppets. I am impressed with how well the actors are doing with only a few rehearsals. They are off book and have done some nice things with puppets to augment their small numbers. Some audience members chuckle at my humorous lines. It isn't an overwhelming success, but it is an OK play. The king announces, \"I am the King,\" several times. I notice the actor who is about to enter and exit from my side of the wings is pulling the curtain closed so I won't be able to see. I say to him, \"Psst. I am the playwright.\" He is annoyed, but complies and pushes the curtain open so I can see. He'd rather have closed it for the convenience of the actors and the production." }, { "number": "2574", "head": "09/18/93", "content": "I am in a room and Dora is exhausted. She's a housewife and mother and works from morning until night and never gets caught up on her rest. She is folding laundry and Aunt Esther or Aunt Charlotte is visiting. Aunt Charlotte is wearing a black print dress and Dora pulls out a white, pretty dress from the laundry basket and says she can wear this one if she stays overnight. Bonnie holds it up to herself. Her hair is dark black and she has a pale complexion, so the white of the dress isn't all that complementary to her. She'd rather wear the black print one again. Dora is folding up bras and is searching for one that is comfortable for Auntie. She looks at one that is counterbalanced and says, \"Maybe this one will help.\" They are all quite large, like \"D\" cup size. Aunt Charlotte then starts twirling and dancing and singing like she's pretending to be on stage and I think, \"She really does have talent. It's too bad she isn't doing anything with it.\" Dora then turns to me and says, \"We'll have to figure out something about the throat\" (I'd had a coughing thing when I was being visited by this man, maybe Dovre's young man, Dwight. I'd impressed him with my humor but I'd had a coughing thing where I had to excuse myself from the room to choke and cough. He thinks I'm pretty talented. It was too bad about the throat.)" }, { "number": "2575", "head": "09/19/93", "content": "Merle calls me from Idaho. He's ill and needs my help. I am going to go to Idaho to help him out." }, { "number": "2576", "head": "09/19/93", "content": "A red-haired woman comedian (like the short, plump one from Jay Leno challenge, Lorna) is doing a routine. Then she takes her wig off and her head is balding, little tufts of hair here and there. It looks terrible. I wish she'd kept her hair on." }, { "number": "2577", "head": "09/19/93", "content": "I am a judge in a women's breast contest. I look at the women walking past and look at their breasts. They are all clothed and this is outside on a regular city street. It's kind of fun." }, { "number": "2578", "head": "09/20/93", "content": "I am about to be a part of a production, but I haven't been to any of the rehearsals; perhaps I'd been ill. I ask the large, overweight woman teacher where I should stand. The teacher, who looks a bit like Grandma Agnes, is busy and abrupt with me. I see the girls standing and practicing where they will be during one song. If I join them, I will have to know the precision turns and moves. If I don't join them, I'll be standing alone and conspicuous on the stage with nothing to do. I am aware that if I had taken the initiative and rehearsed, I'd not be in this predicament. I go in search of the teacher who is rehearsing a woman singing. I stand there, edging nearer to get her attention, which interrupts their rehearsal. I am envious of the woman's singing ability to do opera. My throat can't do that any more. The teacher is annoyed with me. She goes to the piano. I am crying copious tears that drip onto the piano. The teacher says, shortly, \"Oh, for goodness sake, at least don't get tears on the piano!\" She says I'll just have to figure it out, where I'll stand. She hasn't time to work with me. When I'd asked to be a part of this production, I'd promised I wouldn't be a trouble, but I sure am one now. I decide I have to go to the bathroom and find a stall, lock the door and am still crying. Girls look at me sympathetically, but I don't want them to fuss over me." }, { "number": "2579", "head": "09/20/93", "content": "My truck is broken. A metal thing dropped out of it. Can it be fixed? Someone, a woman, suggests I drive to class around the mountain. It takes longer, but it's a safer route with a broken truck. I think about it but decide to go straight up the mountain. I feel confident the truck can make it. I don't want to waste time going the long way." }, { "number": "2580", "head": "09/21/93", "content": "I find gold stars and foil cut out ornaments on the floor and am picking them up. I am showing the girls how we are going to fold the dining table so we have more room. I fold it really narrow. The girls modify it so there is enough room at the table, but it doesn't take up so much space in the room. I look for a lace tablecloth in the closet." }, { "number": "2581", "head": "09/22/93", "content": "I am cooking a great special dinner for a man I like. It's sort of a first date. He is very handsome and charming. I am putting things in the oven. He comes to the door and I invite him in. There is exciting tension and anticipation in the air. I set up a table in the other room, which also has a made up double bed with a blue bedspread on it. It's my roommate's room. I take out three pies from the oven and take them in to the table, with my oven mitts on. He is impressed; I am happy. I set the table, with his plate at one end and mine at the other and a third plate on the side between us. I realize I didn't give him the biggest baked potato as I had planned and exchange it. He demurs, but is pleased. He sits and I sit. He says, \"This is too far away from you.\" He moves his plate to the side close to me. Now Ellie and \"I\" come in to visit and \"she\" pulls us aside to explain she wants a night alone with this man (she's now sort of like Judy P). We giggle and leave to go to our house. We walk across the unkempt, wild yard to our house. Our third roommate is watching TV and I tell her of the date. She recognizes the man and says, \"He's not a doctor, he's an actor.\" I realize he's a fraud trying to con her. So we rush over and pound on the bedroom door and look in the window. It's too late, he's in bed, maybe they already had sex. We sneak around to where he's left his coat and bags. I search for his car keys. I find them and hurry to take his precious car for a ride to pay him back. He's coming toward me so I rush, I drive out and he chases me calling stop! Stop! I want the car to be a sporty car and have trouble getting it to appear so. I drive down a bumpy gravel road and see a road block up ahead. I slow down and the men working the construction let me through. I take a sharp hairpin curve up a side road up a hill, slowly. I go up to a promontory and peek over, watching for him. He arrives huffing and looking all around for me. He's very handsome. The men point to the road I took and he's running up the hill and I slowly drive down the road, luring him on. I know this switchback will take me almost back to the house, but he doesn't. He's lost and upset. This is a great joke. I feel very satisfied I've taught him a good lesson he'll never forget. I stop, get out with his flashlight and wait in a tree as he retrieves his car. He hesitates and calls out he'll give me a ride back, he doesn't feel right about leaving me alone in the woods, but I don't respond and he finally drives away." }, { "number": "2582", "head": "09/23/93", "content": "I am at a resort, looking out a window at the ocean far down below. I enjoyed watching the waves and marveled how high they could come up the cliffs and how they worked back toward the sea with such foamy power. I get up to pack, because it's time to go home. I have trouble gathering up all my stuff. Lucy is also packing and her things are mixed with mine. I hold up a blouse on a hanger which also has a small girl's dress on the hanger. It belongs to her. I am a bit frustrated because I don't really want to leave, and some men have sat at my good spot by the window so I can't watch the waves and Lucy's stuff keeps slowing me down. I get to the truck and discover lots of Lucy's stuff under it. I am annoyed. She asks me where her laundry basket is. I see a yellow plastic laundry basket by the wheel of the truck, and lots of clothes, papers, boxes of things. Now I see that the things on the truck are just laying around loose. I start to pack them into drawers in the dresser to keep them from flying away when we get going. A plastic package of honey is there and I wonder if I should put it in the drawer, because it could break and make a mess." }, { "number": "2583", "head": "09/24/93", "content": "It's time to go somewhere, but the bathtub had just been filled with warm, pleasant water. Oh well, we can use it later, only it won't be so warm then. The tea set is set up under the water already. Then Ginny throws herself into the tub and splashes around, showing me to spontaneously have fun. I smile and go out to tell people we'll be delayed for awhile because Ginny is bathing. I see a woman with long hair down to the floor and another woman cuts the length and it still touches the floor. The hair is luxurious, thick and silky. I admire it. I see my own hair and it sort of has some length to it, but it is thin and falls out easily. In fact, the hairdo is short now, not because I had a haircut, but because it falls out." }, { "number": "2584", "head": "09/24/93", "content": "Howard has a camera and a woman is trying to convince me to let bygones be bygones and take advantage of this and work with Howard because I need a camera. Howard stands on my left and I say what kind of camera? 16 MM? He grins and says bragging, \"No, 32 mm.\" Whoa! A professional film camera. I am tempted, but really am disgusted with the idea that I'd have to work with him. Then I see a wee baby crawling on the grass and see her bottle next to her and say to her playfully, \"Hey, you're too young to be smoking,\" calling the bottle a cigarette. The baby has no sense of humor and bursts into tears, crying. I pick her up to soothe her and as I am walking with her in my arms, over my shoulder, I feel how skinny and loose she is, not compacted like a healthy normal baby is, wobbly like a doll. I say, \"Hey, we're going to have to make you plump.\" She bursts into wailing tears again. I pat her and say soothingly, \"It's a good thing. You need some fat. It won't be too much.\" What a fussy, sensitive baby! Now I am arriving at the studio in Hollywood where I'll be learning how to make a movie, with Howard's camera and Howard in tow. I enter a big room with a bank of video machine like things I'll be learning to use. I walk the length, looking at the dazzling machine array. This is exciting and will be fun. I sit at a table with other interns or students. A man calls out \"B.\" I say, \"That's me.\" He says, \"Can't be. He holds up a purse he found that belongs to a B, with a funny, artistic face etched or carved inside it. It doesn't belong to me. He's the teacher. I'm going to learn a lot here and have the advantage of my own camera. Lots of other students will not have the use of a camera and won't get their projects done for a long time." }, { "number": "2585", "head": "09/26/93", "content": "I am on a talk show, maybe Phil Donahue and acting as an assistant CO-host, I make jokes with anything at hand and the audience loves me. I'm very funny. The audience is far away. There are pillars or partitions between them and me, but they love me! Phil is impressed and calls me into his office. We chat. I use the label on a package of dried meat to use as a prop to tell jokes." }, { "number": "2586", "head": "09/27/93", "content": "Howard is very unhappy. He's having marital problems with Karen. Ellie is around. Howard has bald spots, large ones where he's losing his hair. He wants me to help him. I am reluctant." }, { "number": "2587", "head": "09/30/93", "content": "I had been doing some work on paper and then it got crowded and I started to leave, and then decided to return to take my papers. I end up in a library or store and look. I ask where left papers are and she points to a counter. I start to go and then remember it was art work, and not writing I did. That is in another space. Then I feel a strong need to pee and go in search of the bathroom." }, { "number": "2588", "head": "10/02/93", "content": "Dwight and I decide to go out after Grandpa Clyde and his friend to find out where they are fishing so we can watch. It's a secret fishing hole. I go back into the house to get my wheelchair and just then my mother is taking it apart to fix it. I say excitedly, \"I need it now to go somewhere.\" She says, \"Well, I just got started. You'll have to wait.\" I am frustrated but give up. Then my father is there and he says, \"Well, sometimes Dwight would ride the riding lawn mower.\" I say, \"Great, we'll use that.\" Now, my father is driving and I am sandwiched between him and Dwight, who sits behind me as I sit behind my father. We bounce and careen over the countryside. I am worried I'll get my feet caught in the wheels and maybe I'll fall off, but I hang on and we make it to where the river is, only we've lost their trail. Now, there are a series of dressing rooms. I peek in one and see a little bathroom next to the changing room. It is a high step up to two toilets. They are not accessible. I go back out and we wonder what to do next. My father sees a phone booth and we push the button to talk with the ranger. My father speaks, calling him Ricardo. The man says, \"My name is Robin.\" My father explains, \"We are looking for two men fishing and need to know an accessible way to the river and where they might fish.\" He calls him Ricardo again, which annoys the man so I take over and call him Robin, and ask again. He asks what kind of fish they were going for and my father says the name (it starts with a C). I don't tell the ranger the name, fearing it might be illegal to fish for those kind. Robin says he'll be there in a minute to help us out." }, { "number": "2589", "head": "10/02/93", "content": "Some kind of vampire woman is going for Ellie's neck and I am yelling a warning to her. Get up, push her away, but Ellie is oblivious, and in fact finds it sensual and enticing. I watch her face as she allows this female vampire to move in on her neck, laying down on her. I am very upset but can't get her to listen to me." }, { "number": "2590", "head": "10/03/93", "content": "I am back in the M City house and looking at the inside of the house, remembering fondly. I say this will be the second wedding from this house. I see the beautiful lace curtains and admire them. That's different than when I lived here. I think it is me getting married. I decide to step out on the side porch to look around. I haven't been here in a long time. I see it is a ramp now, not the steps, and it is all fixed up nicely with decorative porch lamps, all white and gold and pretty. Then I look out across Hembree Street and see a house that never was there before. I don't like that. Then it moves away, along with the other three houses, like it's a train of houses. After it is gone, I see a big vista like a golf course in its tidiness. I think, \"Hey, where's the train trestle?\" and then see it. I am relieved and then I see a creek going under it and across my lawn diagonally past the house. \"My creek,\" I say nostalgically. Then I wonder what the back yard is like, and I look. Horrified, I see a road has cut through the canyon and a train track. I am very sad and sob uncontrollably at this loss." }, { "number": "2591", "head": "10/03/93", "content": "I am writing a finishing part in a play. I am in the M City House and Lucy is rehearsing her songs in the other room. I realize I haven't been memorizing my lines and feel concern and some frustration at myself for leaving it to the last. I won't be prepared. I admire Lucy for preparing well. I write a bit for Mark H to do, about Christmas candies. I think it is a funny bit until I realize he won't have time to get it memorized. I think, \"Well, then what would be so wrong if we did it as a staged reading, not an off book production?\" I know this is a cop out. I should have prepared, Mark should have prepared. Now the candy skit doesn't look as funny and I pick up the packages of glittery sugary candy from the box and look at it again." }, { "number": "2592", "head": "10/03/93", "content": "Something about insects." }, { "number": "2593", "head": "10/04/93", "content": "H and I are talking. Merle has moved and is back visiting. He comes by. I am teaching something or examining something for work. It's time to quit work and go home. Merle joins us. He is talking. He is standing up and is very, very skinny, almost as thin as a pencil. He says to someone, \"My wife and I...\" and I turn and look at Hasani, wondering why she hadn't told me Merle was married now. Hasani looks like, \"I was sworn to secrecy.\" I go over to talk to Merle. He says, \"It was a marriage of convenience. It isn't really working out.\" He still likes me very much. He then hands me five blouses on a hangers and an old pair of printed pants of his. He tells me that this man wants me to put them on. I am to choose which blouse to wear. I pick one. Merle says, \"The man says not that one. You can't wear it ever. It's just to be in the closet.\" I am a bit annoyed and choose to comply now, knowing that I will rebel later at his orders. He thinks he possesses me, but I don't agree. He's sort of like the crazy man in a previous dream. I put on the pants. It's like clown pants. They are so overly large for me. I cinch in the yellow belt farther and farther, until I feel quite slim in comparison to the pants. This pleases the man, who is watching." }, { "number": "2594", "head": "10/05/93", "content": "I am traveling on a mountain road and look out over the vista. I see cars going into two huge twin tunnels far off in the distance. I see a lake and beautiful mountains. I travel on with my group. Then we meet my cousin Abner on the road. I introduce him to a man in the group. Abner is uptight and unsure of himself and begins to shake and tremble. I remark that he has the \"family\" trait of fear around other people. He and I go off down the road without the group. We find ourselves in a deep hole with furniture in it. We climb up the huge dresser to the top of it and look out. We see lots of bunk beds in the woods, a camp of some kind. Abner jumps down to the ground and I am to follow, only it's a long jump and I am worried. He holds his arms out wide as if to catch me and grins. I then turn to go down; I hang on to the edge of the dresser top like I'm hanging off a cliff edge and then see handles and go down, using them as hand and foot holds. I didn't have to jump after all. I see the handles are on drawers and open one to see fleece pajama jeans for the campers. Now we go exploring and go around a corner to see a group of people singing religious songs. We turn and try to sneak away, realizing we've stumbled on a radical cult group. Now some are coming for us, one woman singing a fundamental hymn. We run back to the hole and get in. They are coming for us. I suggest we hide in a corner under a table, but they see us. This isn't good." }, { "number": "2595", "head": "10/05/93", "content": "I am swimming in a pool. Dovre's swim coach, an older plump athletic woman, watches me. I am a very good swimmer. She is impressed, but stoically watches, not encouraging me. I swim fast and do laps. Now she wants to train me for the team. Now I'm on an airplane, with a small girl with me. The coach is the pilot of this small craft. The little girl doesn't want to sit on the seat I chose for her right next to me because it's a \"holding\" seat. I assure her it is not a holding seat. The pilot coach also assures her. He sits reluctantly. Now in the back of the plane is a famous male movie star and the other women of the swim team are all agog around him. I watch him and he watches me. We are interested. Now we are at a party, perhaps at my mansion, and I change into a lovely evening gown. I am now drunk on bubbly champagne and fall, and stagger and giggle." }, { "number": "2596", "head": "10/09/93", "content": "I am at a conference, only it's in my living room. A woman comes from California and teaches. We'd had one last night and now I wake up on the couch and it's time for another one. The women come in and I sit up. The instructor is in the kitchen taking the dishes out of the dishwasher from last night as I hadn't gotten up and done them. I apologize to her, saying she doesn't have to do that. The dishes are white glass with gold trim on the edges. Bonnie had put them in because they'd been in my cupboard for so long and needed washing, from all the accumulated dust. A woman like Kathleen from poetry group sits on my right. I am telling them how the first time I used the word \"abuse\" to describe my upbringing felt so shocking, because it wasn't physical abuse, but emotional abuse. They were good people, but didn't know how to express themselves. Kathleen encourages me to keep calling it abuse and not cave in to society's ways of denial. I agree that I will persevere. I get up and say I need to pee and brush my teeth. There is a tiny alcove next to the living room, with a curtain as a door. I sit on a tall white bucket which sits on a toilet. I balance precariously. I pee a torrent of urine. It all rushes out of me at once. I know it can be heard by the women. Then the one man participant arrives. I immediately spill urine on the floor, it splatters from the rushing torrent. I am embarrassed. The topic f the conference is Men's Issues. I don't really want to be there, but I need the credits. [BL]" }, { "number": "2597", "head": "10/09/93", "content": "I am in a house. A silver-papered bag of cat food is in the sink, but we don't have cats any more. A tiny baby girl is laying on the floor. I dance around her, teasing her, my toes nearly stepping on her head and shoulders. She doesn't much like the teasing. I sing a chant about \"No more flu germs, No more cold germs,\" like a chant to ward off germs. I prance around saying that over and over, and then as an afterthought, I say, \"And no more germs from outside this room too,\" meaning if I go outside, I don't want to catch any germs there either. It's a way of protecting us." }, { "number": "2598", "head": "10/11/93", "content": "I have to pee really bad. I am in a house. Some man is injured and I am helping him. A cat is there somewhere, maybe also needing help. I go into a bathroom and try to sit on the toilet. It breaks off from the wall and is wobbly. I am standing and peeing so I won't tip it over. I pee voraciously all down my leg and around the room in front of me. I am concerned the water will back up and flow out of the toilet onto the floor. I leave. Now I am going from room to room in a hotel-like exhibit. I look out the window and see the beautiful emerald green ocean waves far below. There is a crowd of people walking through the exhibit as I am. I really need to pee and consider finding an exhibit toilet and using it. One room has a whirlpool and a single bed with an air mattress-like thing, sort of a health spa room. I wonder where people sleep and see another room with beds in it. I go out the door and go to the next exhibit room. On the way I see parrot beaded earrings and go over to see the price: 1 or 2 dollars, very cheap. I don't really want the parrots, but like crystal things or beaded things. [BL]" }, { "number": "2599", "head": "10/11/93", "content": "I am swimming in a huge ocean and the waves are a solid wall of water. I feel fear that Ishall drown and decide that discretion is the better part of valor. I turn to swim back to shore but the waves that way are smaller, but more turbulent. I'm in trouble no matter which way I swim. Why am I there in the first place?" }, { "number": "2600", "head": "10/12/93", "content": "I am holding a playwright class in my living room. \"Merle,\" like Paul of old days, is there, the only one to show up. He is nervous and wants to leave, but I think he's cute and want him to stay. So he reads his scene and wants to go and I keep talking to keep him there, saying that at 1:00 Linda and perhaps others will be there and will need him to read their scenes. I tell him in detail, slowly, all about my new play opening up soon to keep him there. At 1:00 Linda rings the doorbell. I stand up and walk past Merle, caressing his thighs from behind seductively. He is surprised and not too pleased." }, { "number": "2601", "head": "10/12/93", "content": "I am a queen or princess. I can have anything I want. I feel sexually excited and grab a man and slide him under me and make love to him. I don't care who he is. He's like Dr. Fleischman of Northern Exposure. I have orgasm. Now I get up. I have a group of male guards around me all the time. I am walking through a field. I have a path worn around the edges of the field because I don't want to be wasteful and trample the beautiful flowers, and they are very pretty and colorful. Now the guard on my left will die for me, he loves me and is devoted so much to me. We approach the double doors of an auditorium of another country. A bishop or monk comes out in a hurry, sees me and bows, surprised. His hankie falls to the ground. He picks it up. We sweep past him and on to the crowd. My guard warns me to be careful, the crowd isn't on my side. As I prepare to walk to my center seat by the king of the country I am visiting, all the religious types file out, so they won't offend me with their presence. I go and sit by the king, but not in the chair provided. I sit up on a table, on top of income tax forms. The crowd is luke warm in their reception with the exception of one woman who is standing and facing back toward me applauding. She sees she's the only one and stops, confused. Now the star, a woman in a manual wheelchair, comes out on stage and makes a sarcastic remark at me, something like, \"We'll wait until you are ready.\" I zing back a sarcastic remark like, \"Oh, you sing? When did you start?\" The crowd gasps at the sharp barbs. I sit haughtily." }, { "number": "2602", "head": "10/13/93", "content": "I am at a conference backstage with Mirabelle. She is going out to the front of the stage to give a message or speech. I agree to hold up a printed message for her so the audience can see the points she makes. I walk out following her. Someone whispers, B's standing up. Mary wanders down the aisle and I follow, feeling the strain of standing. I call a girl over and ask her to bring me one of the step ladder stools that had been set up for the presenters. She says Ginny or Karen McDonald had put those out for the speakers. I say, \"Well, I'm one of them, so go get one.\" She does. Meanwhile Mary has picked up a sweet, little dark-haired baby and is holding it up for everyone to see. She's going to massage it. I reach out and touch the baby as Mary walks past me holding it up for everyone to see. I point where I want the stool to be placed, and then someone moves it down a center aisle. I sit on top of the upside down plastic Melmac plate on the stool. It's a bit wobbly. A woman brings me a blanket and whispers she also has a pillow if I need one. It's too warm and I say, \"Here, thanks, but I don't need it now. I'll let you know when I do.\" Someone calls my name. I turn and see a woman in a manual wheelchair, dark short hair. She says, \"Hi, seems the same people as last year are here again.\" I say, \"Yeah, but we're trying to make it more consumer-oriented this year.\" She agrees this is good." }, { "number": "2603", "head": "10/13/93", "content": "I am at N City. I am given a plant, or rather several plants transplanted into one pot. There is room for one more plant in the pot and we look at different plants to find one that uses the same environmental conditions so it will be compatible. We find one sort of a tiny, ivy-like plant with small white flowers. It is very pretty. We put it into the pot. When these baby plants get growing they are going to be very beautiful. Now it's evening and time to go home to M City. Shall I wheelchair it to M City or take the Greyhound? I go for a while in the wheelchair and realize I'm lost. I ask this man for directions. He's very tall, towering over me. He tells me he is partially deaf on one side and I need to get used to his speech. I say, \"I am too.\" So he starts trying to give me directions. I can't decide if I should wheel it or bus it. I try to call the bus depot for information but can't seem to get through. The phone book is buried behind papers and the man on the phone is unclear. He does finally say I can't get there directly from N City. I'd have t bus to Dover and then transfer. It will take lots of time and is difficult. I feel tired." }, { "number": "2604", "head": "10/14/93", "content": "I am a small child, girl. This Hitler kind of man puts a small chip like round lithium battery in my mouth and I swallow it. It has important info on it. I shit it out and he is looking for me to get his chip. War is starting and I have to leave; everyone is running around, trying to escape. I know that chip is important so I hang onto it, shit and all, and am swept by the crowd out of the house and onto a boat. As we are leaving, I want to call out to my Grandfather where I am and that I am safe and alive, but if I do, the Hitler man and a woman will hear. Then I worry if Grandfather is a part of them. I stay quiet. Now I am in some strange battle for my life. The chip transforms into some kinds of animals I can use as weapons. Three other girls use their weapons (animals) to fight me. I fight these biting animals off. It is hard. I steal their babies (stuffed little animals that are alive) and climb up a ladder to a high hidy hole. A huge male giant stands looking into my hidy hole, but I have pulled down a metal sheet that I can see through that apparently he can't see through. He stands there stupidly, not knowing what to do. The little captured animals want to get out and I must keep them with me so I can survive this fight to the death." }, { "number": "2605", "head": "10/14/93", "content": "I am working at a hotel counter. It's the end of a shift. Murphy Brown asks me to rotate and stay another shift because her child needs help. I go to the counter. Merle comes by and is sympathetic and agrees to stay and help. We are tired but trying to keep up. I pick up a glass of milk to drink but realize it is curdled, thick and creamy. It tastes terrible. I look up and see Murphy coming back very jauntily. We are exhausted and we poke a woman co-worker in the ribs and say, \"Don't tell her.\" It's a silly kind of revenge. Murphy tries a glass of the stuff, poured over a cake as frosting, and loves it like it's buttermilk or something. Shucks! She would! Now a teen boy and girl comes up to the counter and I introduce them to Murphy, like she's their Aunt. The girl's name is Spirit. She grimaces when Murphy is introduced like, \"Ugh, that eccentric Aunt!\" We are exhausted and make mistakes because of it. We just want to be off duty and go home and sleep." }, { "number": "2606", "head": "10/14/93", "content": "I am a woman teacher in a prison. The orphan boys were brought in to get a taste of what it feels like to be prisoners so they'll think twice about being criminals. They are called pre-prisoners. I write, \"Good morning\" on the blackboard with a maroon colored chalk and step back to see if it is readable. It's not too good as other stuff is on the board and it blends in. I write my name, Barb Sanders. I then go to a boy and question him to see what kind of innate intelligence he as. I ask him if Nanu the whale was born with three different colors and it was dark when you saw him, would you see the black color part? It was a trick question. The boy had some ability. Now its break time and I walk around and see a group of women prisoners seated together talking. I try to join them, but they don't want me there, so I go to find a place to lie down and soak up the warm sun. The row of cars parked in the lot leave and there is a line of logs or boards left. I want to lie on one of the sections, but other people are sitting or lying on them. I find the end section empty. I lie down. I have a hard time balancing the plastic different colored glasses and dishes in the drawer, which is sort of me. A good-looking prisoner comes over and kisses me and moves the white bowl to another spot. Now I am more unbalanced and he moved the rows of colored glasses to the end of the section where my feet are. He is attractive and I don't know if I can trust him. He says he's going to meet me tomorrow morning. I go to my room and sleep. The next morning, I have a phone message from him. He can't make it. I am disappointed and concerned he's playing me for a sucker. He says to go ask the prison priest about him. I put on a fur parka and notice a cobweb with a spider hanging off my sleeve. I try to shake it off but I can't. Finally I ask a woman to help me get it off. It's a bit creepy not knowing where it is. Now I go to the priest to check out the man and the priest tells me the story of the man's life. He is the son of an evil multi-millionaire who the son turned in because the son is honest and good, and the father set him up. I am glad he is innocent because I am attracted to him." }, { "number": "2607", "head": "10/15/93", "content": "I am at a shop/library. A good-looking man is attracted to me. I am trying on different hats. One is an old leather brown flying pilot helmet. It looks silly on me. I hear Rochelle going by. She is talking about her hormones. She always talks like that. I don't want to make any noise so she'll know I'm there and come over and talk. Boring. I am going to connect with this delicious man." }, { "number": "2608", "head": "10/16/93", "content": "I am talking to a man and explaining to him (he is like Vern H) how I could tell from his body language that he felt OK about disability. He is gentle and sweet. I start to show him what I mean, and it turns into a swim lesson. The woman teacher says, \"Now gently sink down and submerge yourself into the water, keeping your nose open (not holding it pinched shut) and keeping their eyes open as well.\" I manage to do it, but am aware of some tension and wanting to come back up. When I am underwater, I see the circle of other students with me. We look into each other's eyes so we can see we did this with eyes open. Now I am given a small clump of white sticks with gold ends on them. They are defensive weapons. I use them to hit out at an attacking man. I hit him at the eyes and at the groin. The multi dimensions of the sticks are supposed to make it easier to hit and cause pain with." }, { "number": "2609", "head": "10/16/93", "content": "I am sitting on a pasture-like land. I see a tiny kitten sitting ahead of me. A large dog and a cow are playing near her and I get concerned because she could get accidentally stepped on. The cow gets very close and I get concerned. The kitten finally gets up in the nick of time and comes over and crawls into my arms. I pet it and hold it, relieved it moved out of harm's way. Now I notice the cow is very close to me and I realize it's the same situation. Someone bigger than me is behind me watching like I was with the kitten. I get up, holding the kitten, and move up on a big rock where I am safer. The scenery around me is expansive and beautiful and peaceful. I turn around so my back is to the ocean side and see the pasture. It is also a pretty view, even though not as spectacular as the usual view." }, { "number": "2610", "head": "10/18/93", "content": "I am leaning against a wall and talking to an Uncle, maybe Uncle Joel, whose wife is dead now. I am sympathetic. He leans on the wall with me and puts his arm around my shoulders comfortably. We chat. It feels nice to be comforted like that. He's very tall. Later, I am the \"star\" of a TV piece, where I am like a Murphy Brown character. I am standing at the edge of a lake or ocean facing back toward land where a crowd of people is gathered to watch. I am reminding them that years ago I did a role and this is very much like it. Did they remember the name of the character I did then? They didn't. They didn't much care. I dither on for a while, but can't get their interest. Suddenly, a mistake is made and the crew all disappears. I am left alone and a huge black Doberman is coming toward me, growling. I back away, saying, \"Nice doggie.\" I throw him a pencil to bite on, but he keeps coming for me. I toss him a book, maybe my script book, and he spits it out and is loping right behind me as I run for the cover of the pickup truck. Where is the crew when you need them?" }, { "number": "2611", "head": "10/18/93", "content": "I sit at a table in a cafe and see some earrings and jewelry that someone left. They are pretty. I ask the woman at the table if they are hers. She says no, she doesn't know who they belong to. I start picking them up to keep. I feel some guilt, because they do belong to someone and I didn't try very hard to find the owners. I feel like I'm stealing. I pick up a blue one and some woman says, \"That's an owl feather one. That's bad luck if you wear it.\" I hold it up, close my eyes and try to feel the vibes. I ask my inner self if this is safe to wear. I decide it feels fine and I put it on. There is only one. Now a young woman actress is having auditions. I go in and read. It's a weird part, about a woman and spies and a super man or something, a long, involved story line. She gives me the lead part. I accept after asking if this is just a staged reading. So I go to her house, which she shares with many roommates. It's a large and busy house. She begins the rehearsal and it becomes clear to me that she intends for it to be a full production where I sing songs and am off book, memorizing all the lines, all with one week of rehearsal. I say to her, \"Then I can't do this. Sorry, but you said it was just a staged reading.\" She glares at me and says, \"I did not. I told you it would be the whole thing, but now you are waffling and letting me down.\" I say, \"No, I remember you saying\"--and we argued like that for a while. I was adamant and needed to protect myself and not do it. My throat couldn't take the pressure of singing and my mind couldn't take the pressure of memorization. I am relieved I am not doing it. She's pissed and ridicules me. Her roomies also look down on me. I leave. Now a man and myself are visiting a house, a sort of cult runs it. We decide to leave. Jerry Lewis is on the front porch talking to a woman and I recognize him but don't acknowledge him because I want to respect his right to privacy. Now we are walking down a road. Maybe the man is Ellie, and not a man. I look up and see a huge lake and say somewhat jokingly, \"Are we going t walk across the lake??\" She says, \"No, but I guess I miscalculated and the water here in the road is too deep.\" I see puddles almost covering the road. I say, \"Wait and see.\" I try to pick my way across and manage to do it, with a cute hop from one place to another. Ellie thinks I'm very clever and votes to do it that way. We keep walking, then we realize we left the little girl behind at the house. How embarrassing and what a bad thing to do! We look back and see a long line of people parading and she is in the line, in a cute bunny suit with a curly wig on. We are relieved she is coming to find us and a bit concerned how she's getting sucked into the cult's activities. We circle around to go back to meet her and lose her in the crowd. The cult leaders see us and are moving in to entrap us too. We keep moving. Now we enter a town and try to find a building to go into to hide. We don't and then I see another huge body of water where crocodiles are swimming and snapping. We decide it is safer to stay on land; there are still crocodiles but we can see them coming. They come and one bites my leg. I peel him off and use a piece of wood to stick in the jaws of oncoming crocodiles. The place is infested." }, { "number": "2612", "head": "10/19/93", "content": "I am at some campground where a conference is being held. Mary and Lucy are there. I go ahead to get us a seat at the luncheon tables, big round tables with pink tablecloths on them. I find one very close to where the speaker will be and secure a spot, saving a couple of spots for my friends. Other people are trying to sit at the table. Suddenly I realize that Deepak Chopra is sitting at the table. I see he looks ill. He has a snot booger hanging off his nose and looks bad. I say sympathetically, \"You look ill.\" He smiles weakly. I try to help him. I offer to sort his speeches in chronological order for him. Later I go to his house with him as we'd struck up a relationship, but there aren't ramps and it is hard to get in and out. I gently chide him that he is not very sensitive to the disabled, even though he is one himself. Later I am W. talking with a couple of male friends about stuff and mention my co-worker John. [BL]" }, { "number": "2613", "head": "10/20/93", "content": "I am on a train track and running from the Nazis and I rest for a second. Someone says, \"Take a bath now because when the war is nearly over you won't have time.\" So I take a wonderful hot bath and then hear the Nazi train coming and get out quickly to dry off and change into clean clothes. My family runs for cover and I run down the sidewalk, trying to get to the border where the Dutch can help me. He (the huge German guard) yells, \"Halt,\" and I run. I pour a cream-based jelly out of a tube into his eyes as my defense. He tries to shoot me. I run. I make it to the intersection and try to cross. A Dutch person comes across and helps me across. The German follows and I nearly empty the tube in his eyes and kick at his groin and trip him. He falls and I yell, \"Get me a gun.\" I meant to kill him. The Dutch laughs nervously, surely she doesn't mean to use it. Some wise person says gently, \"Get her the gun. She won't kill, but needs to make the effort of holding him at gunpoint for her dignity.\"" }, { "number": "2614", "head": "10/20/93", "content": "I light some candles and they melt quickly and spread a melting pool of candle wax on the table and on the floor. The kids must have been playing with the candles before. I try to clean up the growing mass of candle wax. Finally, I figure out to blow out the candles to not keep making up more of a mess." }, { "number": "2615", "head": "10/20/93", "content": "I am being chased by a bad guy. I'm a sort of spy. My helper, a man, is telling me to keep walking and to find a room to hide in for a while until the danger blows over. He's speaking into an earpiece I have in my right ear. I walk and walk and lose the guy and go into a sleazy hotel and get a room. The sympathetic landlord agrees to send up food until it is safe to come out. I go in the room, but there are many doors that keep opening and I am busy going around and locking doors and putting furniture up against them. There is another room and I need all this sealed off, and so I keep trying to remodel the room with my thoughts and see it small and only one door, which I can lean the bed up against. It's hard to get it to change to that. Doors keep popping up all over the room." }, { "number": "2616", "head": "10/21/93", "content": "I am an exchange student in France. A very fat woman is the lady of the house and she is asking me to do some chores around the place. I'm a bit annoyed, but do so. She wants me to do the dishes and then read stories in English to the children. It helps them with their language skills. I have a hard time speaking French. [BL]" }, { "number": "2617", "head": "10/21/93", "content": "I am the director of a film. I am filled with the enormity of how important each decision is, and I have to make each decision frame by frame. Millions of dollars ride on it. I look into the camera viewfinder and give direction. We are filming a getaway down a very big and steep mountain. I am getting different angles. Now I take time out to look at photos of the shoot. People keep coming up and asking me questions. I tell them to give a few minutes of my own to enjoy these photos, pictures of a crevasse in the mountain and so on. One woman says \"Oh, the plastics\" meaning the photos. I have trouble getting a few moments to myself." }, { "number": "2618", "head": "10/21/93", "content": "I am a member of a two- person team and the other team is getting ready to descend the cliff. We sneak under them at the base of the cliff to spy. They are wimps and are going to drive down and around in a car rather than repel down the cliff face, like we did. I keep very close to the rock face so they won't see us. I keep shifting my position around to remain undetected. Now I am creeping down a long dirt rut behind a shield of grasses. A goat comes up to me and is grazing. I get around the goat and see the hut of a native African friend of mine and ask his wife if I may come in to observe the other team through their window. She agrees. It is a skinny little room and only one chair in it and I use it to sit in front of a round, pretty window. The window has a slit in it and there is a wooden shield closed over it. I ask the woman to open the shield so I may see. She goes outside and does so. I see two men seated near the window talking, an English captain and someone else. I listen in on their conversation, hoping they don't see me." }, { "number": "2619", "head": "10/22/93", "content": "I need to go to the store my woman owns. I am sort of Dwight. We'd taken the night off to be together, and I need to get some stationery. I take a dime out of her wallet and ask if she wants to come along. She says she's tired and she'll stay home. I say, \"Ok, I'll be right back.\" I am walking barefoot and with each step, I say, \"This is stupid. Why am I doing this? Because I forgot to bring more money which means I'll have to come back tomorrow anyway so this is a wasted trip. And each step I take is doubled with the step to return and then I just have to repeat it again tomorrow.\" I stubbornly keep going, however, arguing with myself all the way. I get there and am looking for the part of the store my woman owns (she is like O'Conner of Northern Exposure). The place is a mess and needs to be organized. I'm too tired to do it now and I'm upset because I haven't the time to do it right, and I feel frustrated. Suddenly, my woman shows up at the door, apologizing for letting me take the walk alone. She said she realized that the time we spent together was very precious and more important than anything, so we'll spend it together cleaning and organizing the store. I am pleased and happy that she sees it this way." }, { "number": "2620", "head": "10/22/93", "content": "I work for some TV company or something. I am working on my dreams. Carlene of Merton Circle comes over to see how I'm doing. I explain to her that lots of people say I'm obsessing on working on my dreams, and maybe they are right, but I just have to do it. She sympathizes and says she's working for hours at a time on a computer program. She understands. I am now opening envelopes and finding 10 dollars in cash in them. People are finally sending me some grudging support for my birthday, or for my dreams project. Some arrogant man isn't working out for the company. Someone measures the love a man has for me and Dwight's love for me. Dwight's love is stronger." }, { "number": "2621", "head": "10/26/93", "content": "Jock says to me he just now heard that he wasn't being paid for his work on a play. I say, \"What a gyp.\" Another man says, \"It's not really a problem, because all we have to do is fill out this form and take it to the office and they'll come up with the money.\" I decide to do this and try to fill it out. Now I'm walking to take the form to the office and I'm walking on a \"carpet\" of sticks and twigs and hollow cork bark and pussy willows which have been sorted carefully so each kind of thing is all in a row. I pick up a cork bark still in the shape of a branch and admire its beauty. I admire the work that went into laying all the pussy willows out together in a row." }, { "number": "2622", "head": "10/28/93", "content": "I am at some huge gym where there are lots of bleachers, and Marianne Fabray sees me and she says, \"Come sit where I am,\" and we walk to the corner and go up. She helps me walk up the bleachers and we sit. I'm not going to be able to see well from there when others sit, and then I sit on something that raises me up so it will be OK. Now it is announced that there is a team driving course and a man named Andy, kind of round faced and wimpy, has a car and we decide to do it. The first run through he's the driver and I'm the passenger. I watch as he drives and try to remember the curves. We come around one and he says they didn't let us know it was so steep a curve before. He's slow and cautious. He passes two slow cars on the right. I am urging him to go faster and thinking I'll really go fast when I drive, and wish I had time to practice with the clutch so I can feel it right. We get to the finish and have to return to our place in the bleachers and then return for my driving part. I somehow get lost or decide to skip that part and I show up without the car or Andy and realize he won't know I'm there and we only have 5 minutes till start time. I tell this official woman who suggests we page the bleachers. She turns on a microphone and says for Andy to meet me there. He does come and I apologize several times for not being at the right place, and thank goodness this is working out. Now we are in a line, only where I am standing is in a small, cold freezer chest for food. I realize this is where they keep the food and back up out of it. Andy goes to the head of the line at the counter to get our fees paid and so on. Two military navy men are behind me and talking. One says loudly, \"Look at the son of a bitch,\" meaning me. I turn and say scathingly and angrily, \"Oh yeah? who's the son of a bitch?\" We stare at each other confrontationally. I feel powerful. No one is going to mess with me. Then I notice the man at the counter is giving Andy trouble and asking for 10 dollars instead of the 7 dollars. I push my way up there and lean on the counter and chew the man out. I yell like a drill sergeant and say, \"Either you straighten this out or let me speak to your supervisor, ass hole\" He is arrogant but the woman supervisor hears me and comes forward and fixes things. She gives us our tokens we have to place at particular curves and the necklaces we have to wear. I ask her two or three times for clarification on whether a specific token must go at a specific curve and if I have to wear the specified necklace, because I saw one metal round one with two blue herons carved in black wrought iron on it and want to wear that one. She agrees it doesn't matter. Now we are finally ready to do the drive. I am ready to put my foot to the metal and speed; I test the clutch and we are off." }, { "number": "2623", "head": "10/29/93", "content": "I am playing a guitar on a stage and I play well. There is a man there who is in competition with me. I get off the stage and run hurriedly into the audience crowd to try to get away from the man. He teases me hard, or something. I run into the women's room. I come out and someone is interviewing the man, who is drunk, and he kisses me and the interviewer on stage says something and the man says, \"Hey, I'm married and I am loyal to my wife.\" I am asked if he's a good kisser. I say, \"Yes he is. He smells like shit, but he's a good kisser,\" and I see his mouth is full of duck shit, green stuff, and the cement corner he had been leaning or sitting in had shit on it too. It's nauseating. Now I see on the stage some animal act where the ducks are trained to raise their wings and gesture them like arms and they are told to find someone and cure him, like a doctor. I watch as they all line up at their spots against the side walls and put their heads to the wall like in hide and seek. I think, \"How interesting.\" They probably had to train a long time to be able to do that. They have sacks over their heads. I feel gritty stuff in my throat from the duck shit kiss." }, { "number": "2624", "head": "10/29/93", "content": "I am with Ginny and Ernie. Ernie gives me sweet glances of love. I am unsettled. It feels wonderful and I feel terrible because it isn't right. I try to avoid him. He follows me around and then finally says, \"I want to kiss you.\" I walk away. Then he comes up behind me and hugs me gently and with love. I want to relax into it, but walk away. Ginny comes in and I don't know how to act. Ernie says truthfully and directly, \"I kissed B.\" Ginny bursts into tears and walks away angrily. I follow her saying it won't happen again. She says angrily, \"You can have him.\" I say, \"No, he's yours.\" We do this back and forth." }, { "number": "2625", "head": "10/30/93", "content": "I am awakened by Corinne. I am grumpy and exhausted and sleepy but she says it's important because Darcy and her husband are upset and might leave the reunion, and it's uncomfortable and everyone is having a hard time talking, not knowing what to say. I get up and find Darcy and her husband. I say, \"I hear you two had a hard time.\" Darcy looks very serious. She explains that her husband drew up blueprint plans and made an error and now they may lose this job because he made an error. I soothe them and ask questions about the man who hired them. I assure them he probably would feel confident when they correct the error and show him how they can stick to it and fix things. I suddenly realize the man seated with us is the client they are worried about. I begin talking to him and realize he is a very nice man. He plays baseball for a living. I say, \"Let's go jogging, but I have to go to the bathroom first.\" He agrees. He follows me, talking, and we are having a great time getting to know each other. I come out of the bathroom and he is seated and I ask him something and then I see he's crying. All the tears are streaming down from the right eye as I face him. I say, \"Let's talk.\" He sits at a table. He hesitates, but I am such a good listener that he talks of his troubles and pain. He says, \"You are very good at this.\" I say, \"I am a professional.\" He says, \"Then I must pay you.\" I say, \"Oh no, because I offered it as a friend.\" I feel very tender and like this man a lot. Now we go out to do a jog only we find Dovre and we are going to visit her home. Se step on a conveyor belt thing and are whisked around and then Dovre says, \"You aren't going to like this part.\" I look and see we are going straight up and then straight down in a tight tube. I feel claustrophobic and scared but we get through. Dovre reminds me to step off and walk normally when the green fake grass like belt ends. I do so and now we go into the house. Dovre says something to the man, who doesn't respond. I say, \"He's hard of hearing, repeat it.\" Then we go in and I am going to introduce him to my parents and my \"brother\" and my \"Uncle Bob.\" I debate if I should announce he is hard of hearing and decide to trust that he can take care of it himself. I say, \"This is my parents,\" and so on. When we get to Uncle Bob, seated with \"my brother\" on the couch, the man says, \"He sure looks like you\" (or your father) and I say, \"Yes.\" Then my \"brother\" says, \"I sure like him. Maybe I'll become a hairdresser and really like him.\" It was a joke. My mother says, \"Don't joke like that, people will think things.\" I say as a joke to her, \"Mom, please, try to be more PC,\" politically correct. I sure do like this man." }, { "number": "2626", "head": "11/03/93", "content": "I am walking with Ellie and Charla. A huge, rough man comes rushing past and beyond us on the sidewalk to an empty field. Ellie starts taking off her clothes. I am appalled. I want us to get out of here and back toward safety and she seems to be courting the danger. He sits in the muddy grass. She goes over and sits with him. I turn and walk away back to the sidewalk with Charla. I see two steps up to the cement sidewalk and a huge horse turd on the step and a gun or rifle the man had put there. Now the man is roughing up Ellie, and she cries out \"No, don't hit me, then I'll look bad for my boyfriend. He'll be upset.\" The man is going to hurt her, possibly rape her. Ellie calls out for them to stop; another man is going to help him. I rush up the sidewalk calling out, \"Help me. I need a phone. Help me someone.\" I go to apartment buildings and pound on doors and look for lights that indicate anyone is home. No one is home or responds. \"Help me,\" I call, now leaving Charla behind in the men's pickup truck in order to go faster for help. I am scared and concerned for them both." }, { "number": "2627", "head": "11/09/93", "content": "The Merton Circle is meeting. It's a large group, and Hillary says during the break, \"Why don't you tell us what's going on for you now?\" I am shy and hesitate, but go up in front of this group and speak. This is fun, like when I was teaching, making them laugh and think. They are warmly responsive. I say, \"As you know, when we first met, I was teaching at the community college, well, at east, part time and now things are changed.\" Tyler says, \"Boy, have they!\" I smile. I say, \"And so now I am going back to high school.\" They laugh with me. I say, \"To learn math.\" Tyler says, \"Calculus.\" I say, \"Yes, I am interested in some aspects of physics and math has always been hard and this ties into how much the Merton circle has changed.\" They all murmur agreement. I say, \"We need to talk about this. I'm not sure I like the changes.\"" }, { "number": "2628", "head": "11/08/93", "content": "I am in a huge house being made over into apartments. There are lots of interesting rooms off rooms. Ellie and Charla and I take a room and I am looking to see where to put my furniture. I see I have a sort of hallway. and someone else, a man, has put a chest of drawers in the bathroom. I go exploring and find another room in yellow paint with a nice window looking out to the busy city streets and I hear music from some dancing place across the street. I go back out to the big room and go around a corner and see Ellie's side. She has a beautiful closet with all her clothes hung up and pretty things and lots of room. I say, \"Maybe we can move things around so I can share this space. I can bring my bed in here, and use that yellow room for writing.\" Then I look out the window. There are lots of interestingly dressed people walking by in crowds, people with roses, headdresses and so on. I say, \"Ellie, bring me my camera.\" She does and I look through the viewfinder, trying out different shots, looking for a good one, trying to be more discriminating than I usually am. I get frustrated as none of the shots look really good. I sit on the edge of a window, knowing it is several floors down, and feel balanced precariously. Ellie asks me if that isn't dangerous. I say, \"It could be, but I'm being careful.\" Then the camera isn't working well and Ellie opens it and sees I've wound up toilet paper into the case by accident. It had been on the bottom holding something broken. Now it's all enmeshed with the film. I say, \"The film will be ruined,\" and I burst into tears and sob and sob. I am so stupid. Ellie says, \"You did the best you could,\" and tries to console me. I walk to the bathroom to pee and Charla follows and I sob, \"I didn't now it was going to be like this, when I was a child, I mean. Thank God.\" I see Charla has on a pretty dress and compliment her. I don't want her distressed with my sadness." }, { "number": "2629", "head": "11/09/93", "content": "I am in a building and trying to get a job. I am going to go take classes at the University and want to work part time also. Ellie comes in and is going to apply also. I am very upset. She will mess up my chances. I go to an elevator, which is a tiny space at the top of a flight of stairs, and go down a flight. I am going to go to classes. Now I return, using the same elevator. I go to my new room, which I will live in and counsel in. I try to set it up. Then I think I have two rooms, one with a bed and a tiny kitchen and the original room for counseling sessions. I can be very economical with my living needs because that isn't as important to have the conventional space a house would have. I do want to separate the living space from the counseling space." }, { "number": "2630", "head": "11/11/93", "content": "I am in a play about disability that Jock wrote. At first I am sort of a volunteer from the audience. I get up backstage, in the side wings, and sit in a chair. I realize I'll be the first one called on stage. I change my chair so I'll come later. Unfortunately, I end up being the last one and they don't have time for me. I am disappointed and wish I'd had the courage to be first. I go back into the audience and later I am in my wheelchair and I'm going back on stage to be an actress. I back up and the chair tips over and I gracefully roll out of it, unhurt. The audience is upset and concerned and I show them how this is normal to reassure them. It is also part of the play. Now it is later and Jock has returned with a rewrite of the play. I am reading it and seeing the images like a movie. He has completely changed the script and it is science fiction now. I ask him if I'm still in it because it's so changed. He laughs and says, \"Oh, yes.\" I see from the perspective of the enemy aliens who have laser beam guns and they try to shoot my ships out of the sky. We have protective shields and the enemy is in awe because to them it looks like a ship within an invisible ship. The beams bounce off. Now they narrate how they will follow the ship, but unfortunately there are huge seas and oceans on this planet and it is infested with mean and dangerous sea lions. Every dock where they can launch from has hundreds of these huge beasts near it. I see them. We are skimming over the surface of the ocean like in a low flying glider and looking for a place to launch from that isn't covered with sea lions. We have to go far out to do that. Now we are in a room talking, and Jock's wife Melinda is there. I say to Jock how much his writing has improved. I am impressed and a bit jealous." }, { "number": "2631", "head": "11/12/93", "content": "Bonnie and Mateo and I are traveling, planning to go to Paris. Some crazy woman from India interferes and we lose Bonnie. Mateo and I are going to get on a train but if we do, Bonnie will never find us and I'll end up having to care for Mateo. This was not my plan, to be baby-sitting when in Paris. I try to back track, and remember clues. I must search a computer data bank for info that will help. I feel thwarted. Now I am trying on clothes, I saw a pretty suit. I think will look nice. I put it on: a leather suede jacket, a wool textured skirt, a lavender blue silk like blouse. Corinne is there and feels the material and says, \"This is wrong for you, textured like that. It will be hard to work.\" I am annoyed at her. I want the outfit to work. I like it. Corinne has laid out a bunch of pretty earrings and I like three of them, blue glass and clear glass. I would like to have them. She has them out over my outfit, making it hard to get to my things. I look in the mirror. I open the top button on the blouse and say, \"I like it a bit open like this, what do you think?\" She agrees, but is still reserved and negative. The outfit feels heavy and cumbersome, but I like it. I feel the hem line at my ankles. Something about a person from India (like Chopra? I better beware of them)." }, { "number": "2632", "head": "11/13/93", "content": "I tell my mother I am going to church. She doesn't really approve. I am Murphy Brown. I sit in the front row and the minister is two twin women who sometimes look like a two-headed woman. She is preaching. I see Uncle Lionel and I cry, because he is dead. I leave the church to go out and try to be near him. He is sort of invisible. He hands me a poster or flyer or letter he wrote before he died, which is a narrative of his last days. I cry and cry because he was a good man and I will miss him. A young man is there, maybe like Abner or Arthur The story is that young men were musicians and they carried some disease and Lionel got it. Gasp: does that mean Lionel had AIDS? I thought he had cancer. I am assured he didn't have AIDS. He then describes how he and Aunt Elaine escaped from a nursing home and went off to the coast to fish until he died. I loved his rebellious spirit and his sweet humor. He felt sad for the young men who didn't even know they had the disease." }, { "number": "2633", "head": "11/14/93", "content": "I want to attend a seminar, like the Chopra one. I line up very early to get a good seat up front. Then I am told it is being held in another spot and I go there to discover I'm a bit late and only get a spot in some other more distant section. It even requires another entrance at another field, called \"Hunsaker \"or something like that. I start to try and find the place to go and am told I have to take a shuttle bus thing there. As I am going to the bus stop, I tell some woman the story of how people resent people with disabilities and tell the Chopra story of the woman who said, \"You have kind of an advantage, don't you?\" I find a bus stop, but I'm not sure this is the right spot and I do not want to miss the bus. One comes from the wrong direction and stops and I run over to ask the driver if this is the right one or not. I nearly get hit by the bus as it pulls up to the stop. It is \"articulated.\" He looks down at me and I can't seem to understand him, whether this is the one or not. I finally decide this is the one going to the station and go back to my spot to wait. The seminar seems so distant now. [BL]" }, { "number": "2634", "head": "11/15/93", "content": "I'm in a big gym and finished for the day. It's time to go home. I take my clothes I want to change into, a more informal, sexy outfit. I go to the gas station to change in the restroom and see that Jerome has taken over the place and is busily and energetically setting up things for sale. It's a fundraiser thing, I think. I walk around the premises looking for the restroom. I change, to a red tank top and a blouse. I look pretty good and feel comfortable. Now I'm walking to the car to leave. Jerome calls me into a room to say goodbye. He and I had been antagonistic and attracted to each other. He leans me into a wall and presses his full body against me and kisses me. I respond, which surprises him pleasantly. I want to show him I am sexually warm and responsive. Now he has me pinned to the wall and is working at getting me excited. I feel manipulated and pull his hand away from my vagina. I say, \"No.\" He hints I am a prick tease. I say, \"No, I just want it to be real, not for games.\" I walk away with mixed feelings. After all, it felt delicious up to a point. I write his name on a line in a book, last name first, and rewrite it in red ink because it wasn't very clear." }, { "number": "2635", "head": "11/18/93", "content": "I am laying in a bed and my mother and Corinne and Dwight are there. We are talking. I say to my mother, \"You and my father, but mostly you, are very injured people. I don't know how you stood it all this time.\" She smiles and agrees it has been hard. I say, \"You could work on it; it would be hard but it could be done.\" She agrees. Then she asks what I want to do, and I say, \"I want to live on an island near a big city and do my writing and my art work.\" My mother looks at a painting of a wooded area I did and says, \"It is good work.\" I feel warm and appreciated and acknowledged." }, { "number": "2636", "head": "11/21/93", "content": "I realize I'm going on stage in 45 minutes and I thought I'd have my script with me, but I won't. I say to Jock sheepishly, \"I haven't memorized my lines.\" He is very upset and disgusted with my lazy unprofessionalism. I pick up the pages, hanging on a wire, each page in a plastic sheet protector, and go away with the intent of committing it all to memory in 45 minutes. I do it, but it is very intense and concentrated work." }, { "number": "2637", "head": "11/21/93", "content": "I am in a nice neighborhood and intend to walk home. As I walk, I notice I am headed toward some railroad tracks and trains and see I am now in a dangerous neighborhood with black people all around. I am alone and walking along a railroad raised area. The black people are running around like in a riot. I am blocked and trapped in this dangerous area." }, { "number": "2638", "head": "11/21/93", "content": "Now I am going to the bathroom. A black family is in the area with me. The father doesn't approve of me. I say, \"I am going to a show at the United Brethren Methodist Church,\" which is black. The mother approves. The children, a boy and a girl, about 12 years old, or 10, like me. We roller skate together, the boy on my right, the girl on my left. The scenery is breathtaking: horses, wide open spaces on the right. We get to the church and they take me to a small office room where a going away party is going on for a white woman who is playing a character of mine in the show. They are all very happy to see me. She hugs me; they are very impressed with my work. Now a young man, the actor John Ritter, is in love with a young woman and he courts her. She is going to declare her love of him and she hands him a gift. It's a joke gift that teases him and then she hands him a real gift, a box of baby things and so on. He takes this to mean she is pregnant and they will be married. He is thrilled. They embrace, and I lay next to them on the floor feeling much sadness and poignancy at being this close to that kind of love, but not being involved myself. Now I'm the young man, who is chosen as the \"Ron,\" like a homecoming king at high school. I stand in the back of a pickup and wave to the crowds who cheer me and want me to stay. I want to leave to be alone with my love. I am torn between the two needs." }, { "number": "2639", "head": "11/30/93", "content": "I am standing in a public bathroom in a health clinic place and combing my hair. I am very upset, because I scratched a sore scab and it is coming off with my hair attached (like my psoriasis of long ago) and I have bald spots. I am looking in the mirror at all the ugly black and blue bald spots and bloody lines where I've scratched them. Maybe my daughter Ellie, or someone like her, agrees to shampoo my hair and color it with dye. My hair is a dark black now. I don't know how I like that (color of June's hair). My blouse and bra are off and now two old men, gay men, get in the bathtub to do therapy together. I feel a bit uncomfortable, being so naked, but think, \"Oh well, it's OK. This is a clinic.\" I turn and am now putting on my bra. One of the old men, now out of the tub says, \"I hope she keeps the cleavage. It's great cleavage.\" I look into his eyes and he has on weird glasses like opera glasses inset into his eyes. I hurriedly try to get dressed. There is another room where patients are being treated, mental therapy. I am pacing. I am now a man. My friend comes in and asks where I am, even though I am pacing right past him. Other people (women) in the room laugh. I say, \"Vagina,\" and a man laughs archly, \"Aha.\" I am upset he misunderstood me and say, \"No, not that meaning. I was trying to explain about a woman being pregnant.\" [BL]" }, { "number": "2640", "head": "12/01/93", "content": "I am in my wheelchair and going down the sidewalk. I go to a building and take a sealed envelope in. It is crowded and not easy to get around, so I go to a man who works there who is typing things. I interrupt him and say, \"I want to turn this in. It's that scratch sheet or questionnaire thing.\" He takes it and I say, \"It's not too accessible here.\" He looks around; he's a very busy man. I say, \"I've been here for concerts before and it is hard to get around.\" He is trying to figure out how I can get in, as the tables are all set up in a huge square in this gym-like room. I say, \"It's OK, it really is accessible, but I don't want to be there\" (for whatever boring event it is), I just brought the paper by. I leave and go home. As I enter, a small boy is standing behind a large dog, a Great Dane kind. He is pulling on his back legs as the dog is eating his dinner. It looks like he is humping the dog, but he isn't. I laugh. I hear the teen kids talking about football practice, they love it, twice a week, and how they can get their mother out of the house or otherwise engaged when the football kids come so she won't embarrass them. She doesn't like or understand football." }, { "number": "2641", "head": "12/06/93", "content": "I am on an arduous journey, a difficult time where I am with enemies, captured, enslaved. Our people come home, finally, we escape. The man, native American, that I worked with, is nearby. I slowly realize that this is our group's last moments together, the last night before we all break away and go on our own ways. I start feeling sad and nostalgic. He watches me. I step to the side and want to walk around outside. I see a place I might go to the bathroom, a hilly knoll. I get there and see an old gnome woman and a line of cute animals in a row. I say, \"Oh, I didn't realize there were people here.\" She says, \"Stay, if you want.\" I am embarrassed. I say, \"Oh I just saw the cute animals and was curious.\" Actually, I needed to pee and walked off. It isn't appropriate to just sit on anything around and pee, copiously, anymore: couches, the ground. It creates a terrible stink for others. I go back and sit, holding the red leather wallet of the man gently in my hands. I stand up and walk to the open wall and look out at a huge movie screen in the rich house across the way. A love scene is on the screen and I feel sad. He wonders what I am looking at and walks near to see. I am embarrassed because it would be better if I was looking at mother nature, but I am looking at a TV or movie screen. I turn and walk back in. I hold this document journal book from the trip and then sigh and put it back where he had it. I replace the wallet. I hold a packet of photos and Ellie suggests she take them and get them developed tomorrow. I don't want to trust her with them. I don't want them misplaced or stolen. I hold on to them. I then see flashes of his face when we had been on trips or camp outs before and I realize he is the injured one I had taken for granted and not noticed much. I see his scarred and injured face. I realize he's been through some surgeries and now he is sweet and good-looking. I want to touch the scars on his face lovingly. He now realizes I am waking up to my feelings about him. He comes softly to me and suggests we debrief our travels. I look around the room to see what other group members he meant and see I am practically the only one there. He meant me. I agree shyly. Now I touch his face softly. I feel wonderment and sadness and love. I had been so blind, so numb, I had not given a moment's thought or feeling to what I had with me all this time. I am very touched. He is happy I finally have connected with him in a loving way." }, { "number": "2642", "head": "12/10/93", "content": "I and Valerie are sitting in a chair together and my mother is seated in another chair. she tells a story about Jake when he was a baby. She relates that someone noticed his tail wrapped around her breast when he was nursing. I suddenly say, \"Oh, what an incredible metaphor.\" She looks at me suspiciously, with huge eyes with enormous pupils, and says, \"Is this going to be profound?\" I sigh with frustration. She never understands. I try to explain, \"When other people say 'space,' you hear that you are at fault.\" She does not understand and I am frustrated at her again." }, { "number": "2643", "head": "12/13/93", "content": "I am in a room and there are alien beings in human form. They capture me and put me in a room to lock me in. My young boy and younger girl are with me. I see many bright yellow ripe bananas on the floor. This will be our food. I go to a window because I hear the sound of a monkey, apparently being enticed there by the bananas. The enterprising monkey opens and unlocks the window. I have a way of escape. The male alien comes in and I stand in a way that hides the monkey. I don't want him to know I can escape. He leaves. I now gather up papers on the floor and find one with money paper clipped to it, odd denomination bills, like $7.50 or a $13.50 bill. I am choosing what ones to give the children so they will have the resources with them as I send them out to get help. They leave and Rochelle is now in the room. Another woman is there and she asks Rochelle how she's doing. Rochelle says, \"Oh, I was very presumptuous. This man was teaching the first grade and he made a mistake and I assumed that meant they'd fire him and I'd have the job, but people are behind him and supporting him.\" I admire her honesty. She has on a blue denim like poochy cloth hat with a bill on it and has several sets of lips, or several shades of lipsticks on." }, { "number": "2644", "head": "12/15/93", "content": "I am in the very roomy back seat of a chauffeur-driven limo that Nate and Cate Evers own. We are just driving around and Cate is talking about feeling depressed, even tough she has everything. I talk to her like a counselor, saying, \"I know you know all this, being counselors yourself, but the problem is...\" and I go on. Nate shows me a poster he made with a series of pictures of children crying. One is crying so hard she looks like she is beaming a laughing smile. Nate says, \"She's finally taking a breath.\" I agree that is hard to observe, the child crying so hard they don't breathe. I notice the area behind the back seat is a huge room like a trailer house. I go back to explore a bit. I notice the chauffeur is in a black uniform. He's male and a bit overweight and large. The steering wheel is in the center of this long roomy front seat. Now we get out and go right into a building where some religious women are training the children. They turn them upside down and spank them harshly. The children are crying and crying. I am appalled and say to her angrily, \"This is abuse. What are you doing?\" The woman says they are training the children. I say, \"You sure are...training them to be docile and to accept whatever you give them spiritually as the truth. This is shocking.\" I turn and go out to the front porch and as I leave, I turn and say to her, \"When we die, I will go to heaven and you will go to hell.\" She sneers and says, \"You have no hell\" (meaning no religious beliefs that are real, like theirs)." }, { "number": "2645", "head": "12/16/93", "content": "I am writing a story. It must be only 1 and 1/2 pages long. I am very conscious of the fact that I must be aware of the form and then make the content work with it. This seemed a very important lesson about good writing." }, { "number": "2646", "head": "12/16/93", "content": "Howard sits next to me in a meeting. I pat his knee reassuringly. I am helpful and kind as he is a stranger here among my friends." }, { "number": "2647", "head": "12/16/93", "content": "Another person and I take a shortcut across the lawn. The grass is filled with fallen apples, very pretty. I worry a bit about getting caught, leaving wheel tracks across this beautiful lawn. We go downstairs to make Xerox copies of words and letters, the alphabet and so on from some long document. Then I look on the wall to see where the copies are being kept. I find the right hole and take out the copies to examine them, wanting to make sure that when I put in the letter \"c,\" I also go the capital version as well. I did. There is something about time travel and magic." }, { "number": "2648", "head": "12/18/93", "content": "My rooms are very cluttered and messy. Some women friends come by to visit and peek in and start to go away because it is such a mess. I call to them and say, \"I've been cleaning it up; come on in.\" They do. Now I am at a doctor's office. A man like Billy Crystal sits on a toilet and gets some procedure up the ass. He now understands what it is like for women giving birth and so on. He is surprised at the pain. Now I am going on a drive and read an account that thousands of starlings are in the area. I want to see them, it would be beautiful and interesting, but I add, \"Not where I'm driving, because I could get into a wreck.\" I'm driving along the coast. I stop and see a small boy crying and adults trying to explain things to him. A woman says, \"He wanted a cone to eat.\" I say, \"I have one.\" She says it's OK to give it to him. I go down a ramp to him and show him the ice cream cone, which is filled with sticky cactus-like things. He's eats it all. I am amazed. As I go back up the ramp, walking, I notice some of the sticky cactus things are stuck in my flesh. I pull a long thin thread of one out of the palm of my hand. Then another one and several others on my hand. Then the woman, like Hillary of Merton Circle, says, \"You are bleeding,\" and I see a hole in the palm of my hand with blood drops coming out. One drop falls to the floor. She assures me I'll be all right. I keep pulling these things out of me." }, { "number": "2649", "head": "12/18/93", "content": "I am in a room and some people are getting ready for a party. I walk around the pillar in the room, like prancing. Then I see a man burn his hand in steam at the sink and I go to him and say, \"It might help if you put butter on it.\" I open the refrigerator door and pull out a stick of butter and rub it on his injured hand, which is a dark brown. It melts yellow on him and I get too much on. I apologize. Then I want to write down the dream I had before I forget it. I have two half finished dreams to write. I am using a quill-like pen and dip it in a chocolate-like ink. I have trouble getting the ink to form the words right. They bunch up like it has sand in it. Mateo interrupts and asks what I'm doing. I say, \"Look, the dream was about a birthday party in Mexico. See, the boys are invited so the parents can look them over. See what they do for a living, how much money they have, the family background. If they approve of them, they let the girl date them. They form two groups, the girls in one group, the boys in another.\" I then tell Mateo about the quincinero, how the girl is 15 and it's as ornate as a wedding, her dress is. Mateo gets bored; he's heard this story before. I tell him about how Hector wasn't very rich, but his Uncle, the police chief, was. I remember the opulent dinner party we witnessed and shiver, Really rich. \"But I've told you all this before,\" I say to Mateo. I still want to tell the story, but he doesn't want to listen. There is a cat around somewhere." }, { "number": "2650", "head": "12/19/93", "content": "I am teaching a kindergarten class. My daughter Dovre has been working with Madonna, the sex queen rock star. They come to visit. Dovre's face is all covered with makeup and I am a bit shook up at how different she is. I try to get her and Madonna to behave well in front of the children. Now Ellie and Charla and a baby boy are there and Ellie makes a mess and I demand she clean it up. She refuses and I get furious and slap her face and fight her and scream \"bitch\" at her. Others have to drag me off her and take me away from the children because my behavior is not OK for them to see. They ask me to cool down when the children are there and I am so furious I can't. Later, Ellie comes to visit me again. I tell her off and call her names. This hurts her feelings. I don't care. I am so upset that I now have my house moved around the corner and bushes are grown around the door so in case I go off the deep end about Ellie again, the children will not be exposed to my behavior. This upsets me because it is Ellie who creates the problem. I am merely reacting to her, and it's my life that is getting changed." }, { "number": "2651", "head": "12/20/93", "content": "I am trying to clean up the mess in my rooms, reorganize my things. I find a box of muffin-like cookies and bite into one. It is sinfully delicious, with puffs of chocolate on top. I get sexually excited and want to make love. I yell to someone to send Melville down to me. I go into another room and a woman insists she wants to make love to me and this angers me. She's like Howard in her crass insistence. I push her away. I call again for Melville. I go upstairs to find him and he is an ugly thing with a huge jaw that protrudes out and a part of it falls off his face. This is repulsive and I change my mind. I go back downstairs and move dishes and jewelry around, trying o get things to be where they belong so things are more functional and useful and pleasant to look at." }, { "number": "2652", "head": "12/28/93", "content": "I walk into a room with two bathtubs and a shower. A man is taking a bath in one tub and I decide to take a bath. I then decide to shower. I get in and am wiggling around to get all the spray because it feels so good and warm, and I know the man can see my movements through the glass shower door. Then suddenly the shower door slides open and two naked men come in to rape me. I bite and kick and scream, \"Stop it, stop it.\" I then see myself from behind and see the purple welts I have (from the arthritis and bunches of single strands of course black stubby hairs growing out of my butt. Not very pretty. I wake with my voice screaming, \"Stop it,\" in my head, very loud and realistic. Nightmare quality." }, { "number": "2653", "head": "12/28/93", "content": "A boy and a girl are going to do a bit of a speech from a play I wrote to show this man. The boy says, \"I'd like to put in an explanation here,\" and I say, \"It's not necessary. If you'd do the bit that I wrote just before it, it will be clear.\" The man questions me and I explain if he'd do it as I wrote it, it would be fine. So the boy starts. They ride off on a tricycle and I say to the man, \"It went too slow. I didn't write all those words.\" He smiles and doesn't quite believe me. Then a woman interrupts, asking if I was the one that sold the beads. I say yes. She opens a backpack to look at the beads. I am seated on a couch and start to scoot to the other side to give her room to lay out the packages of beads. I am now smooched clear to the other end and she says to me, \"Your girls said you were the one that kisses.\" I said, \"I'm the best kisser.\" The girls do it too soon. The woman, who now is like a figurine on a trapeze with glorious beads all over her, is demonstrating different patterns and positions. I am impressed. The man is kneeling at the side of the couch near me as we were in mid conversation and interrupted. She says, \"I'd like to kiss you.\" We'll then see. I say, \"You would like to kiss me?\" I continue to watch as se shifts into another dazzling display. I'm still trying to form the rest of my explanation to the man while being intrigued by this woman's transformations in crystal beaded color." }, { "number": "2654", "head": "01/17/94", "content": "I am on a boat. I will be traveling for several weeks. I left a place of danger and change. I ask the Captain where my room is. He gives me a number and I walk down narrow halls looking for the room. I open one door and see the back of someone's head. Nope, not my room. I keep walking. The boat is old and wooden. The paint is chipped and peeling. I find my room. It is filled with a couple of old junky metal beds, twin size, and an ugly purple overstuffed chair. Boxes of stuff are laying around, crowded and junky. I start to clean it up. I am sorting piles of papers and so on. I decide to go to the storeroom or the ship's library to get other nicer furniture. I go in and see shelves of video movies. I decide I could watch a movie a day with all this selection. I go back toward the room. Now a man like Chevy Chase likes me. I am attracted to him. I am laying on a berth in a room and I motion to him to come up and join me. He is standing next to a black man and the black man looks confused about whether I signaled for him or for Chevy. I do these elaborate signals to confirm it is Chevy I want. I want to make love to him. Even though we are in a room with other people around and would be exposed." }, { "number": "2655", "head": "01/18/94", "content": "I am traveling on a special highway or freeway where it is electronically fixed so that all vehicles go on it. There are planes and trains and cars. There is no gas and exhaust and so the vehicles are bumper to bumper. I have my face near the muffler of the vehicle ahead of me and not fumes. It's great. I think we are headed for Mexico. Ginny is around, helping me out. I have trouble walking because of the arthritis. She's helping me choose my clothes and helping me change them. Now I'm on a beach and people are feeling very sad for me because of my pain and arthritis. They want to help me. I sit on a blanket. Now a man shows me a rifle. I aim it out toward the surf. People are playing out there. The man says, \"Be careful.\" As a joke, I point and say, \"I got one.\" He says, \"What did you shoot?\" I say, \"A surfer.\" Now I am with a man who plays music and I have a small snare drum with a crocheted yarn thing on it and I play it with my fingers, making a soft snare drum with a brush sound. He likes it with his banjo music. He asks me if he should sit farther away so people can hear me too. I say, \"It's OK if they don't hear me.\" Now we are in separate cars driving down the freeway and Abner is my helper. I say it'd be nice if we could play the music together, not in separate cars. The music man then finds a tractor and he says, \"Look, we can both sit on it.\" There is another man, an agent for the music man. Now we're on tour in our tractor and I see posters on a wall. One tells how many millions of dollars we've made, because we're so successful. The agent says to Abner, whose name is Roy Ward now, that he should change his name. Someone else famous already has that name. Roy won't change it. It is his name. I look at the posters and say, \"Look, other people have acts involving food and music too.\" One is about cheese." }, { "number": "2656", "head": "01/18/94", "content": "Abner comes to visit me. I am sitting on my single bed. He comes and sits on it as we talk. Then he tries to come closer and I open the covers and say, \"Come on in, it's OK.\" We lay together, still talking. We cuddle and as we talk, he lays down the opposite way and pulls me on top of him. I am sitting up looking down at him. We are talking about the V family. I say to him, \"I'll probably spend the rest of my life thinking about how the V family has influenced me.\" The dysfunction and the ways they taught us we were not good enough through negativity. Then I say, \"You don't agree with me, do you? You don't think they were bad?\" He says no, he doesn't agree. I say, \"I know they meant no harm. I love them and always will, but the style of communication was negative and nonsupportive.\" He shrugs and says he doesn't agree. Now he gets up. Somehow the nearly sexual postures we'd been in feel uncomfortable for him. He walks around." }, { "number": "2657", "head": "01/19/94", "content": "I'm in the old west and there is an gang, all men and one woman, two old men leaders. They'd worked together for a long time. Now there is some discussion about change. Should we keep everything the same or change things, a remark about whether this man would play with the dog on the right side, where it always had been, or whether he'll be in the fire, if it is moved to the other side, or if we'll be in the 60's (which is new times). Now they have some respect for each other. They sit around and one man says to the woman, \"You've changed. You're better at your job now.\" They take turns complementing each other. There had been friction when they all started. The old guy, like Harry Morgan of Mash, starts to feel sad and he goes off to visit the graves of the two leaders who were killed in the recent fight they were in. He's going to commit suicide and join them. He's on his horse and on the edge of a raging, swollen creek. The horse jumps in and then he jumps in. Now the gang is searching for him. I see the woman with a blind white cane feeling the bank. She's hip deep in the water, carefully searching. The narration feels that she is blind but methodical and will not miss finding the body if it's there. Behind her I see a wooden log in the shape of a crocodile coming up behind her." }, { "number": "2658", "head": "01/19/94", "content": "I'm with this man. We like each other. There's something about Jamaican music. Then we go to a seaside viewpoint and he and a woman are showing me a beautiful view. I am entranced. It makes a semicircle, the waves and the shapes of the rocks under the water. I say, \"Oh, it's beautiful. I must get a picture or two.\" The man smiles. I get out my camera and start to look in the view finder. I open the lens for the widest possible shot to get the full sweep of the circle, but a rock outcropping on the bottom left corner is in the way and messes up the beauty of the shot. I squirm for a better position but can't get around the rock thing. The man asks what's the problem and I explain about how the rock blocks the picture, or unbalances it or mars it. He says, \"Well, then, I wanted you to take a picture of the cheerleader girl.\" I say, \"The what?\" I look out and see some rock formations that look like mermaids, sort of. I am not enthused about this angle, because it isn't as artistic, but I start to snap one for him. One of the rocks is now alive and is a little girl who wants her picture taken. She bounces around right in front of me and I try to focus, getting a head and shoulders shot and then a closeup of her face. Then I notice some wiggly boxes in different colors coming up on the view finder screen and realize something isn't right with the camera. I hadn't got the little color squares in it and all the pictures will turn out bad. I open my camera case and see that all my squares of colors have fallen out of their black metal frames. What a job this will be to get it all put back right! I start. The little girl is eager to help me. I open the book of instructions. The words are written like they were in a base of stone and spaces are used for punctuation. It describes what color goes at what point in the story. Now I look up and the man is laying about in a spa or hot water hole with an Evangeline hat and silly Evangeline glasses, narrow and to a point on the sides and on a beaded chain thing. He looks cute and silly. I laugh. I know he wants my attention and is impatient. I get done with all this fiddling around. I smile and say something that means, \"This is just like when you were working (maybe a musician or actor) and I waited for you.\" He acknowledges the hit. I say, \"I'll try to hurry.\" I get to the next part of the story. It doesn't seem to apply to the colors thing." }, { "number": "2659", "head": "01/28/94", "content": "Arnold Swartzenegger is in the water, like an ocean, and a woman is swimming. He grabs her legs by the ankles from underneath and drags her down to drown her. She struggles, but he is clearly too powerful for her. Another man is watching and Arnold, after killing the woman, goes deeper and deeper to get away from the accusing eyes of the other man." }, { "number": "2660", "head": "01/28/94", "content": "I go to the ocean and stand on the beach and look out. The water is gone. I am shocked. I see only the foamy stuff left on the sand. This is terrible. Then I turn and walk away. I see a huge bunch of dried bushes pulled together and know this is where the bad guys are hiding. I torch the dry bushes and burn the bad guys out of it. Now they are coming at me and I have a pistol, maybe a .22. I fire bullet after bullet into this one man in a white shirt. He keeps coming at me. I keep firing. I feel bad about having to do this, but I am determined to protect myself." }, { "number": "2661", "head": "01/28/94", "content": "I am at a house at the beach. There is a cute litter of black and white puppies, curly soft fur, like poodles. I pick up a white one and hold him on my lap. I say, \"Oh, oh, he's peed on me.\" Then I look at my hand and see soft, green puppy shit. Ugh. I show it to a man seated on my left. I try to wipe it off. The man puts up his hand to mine and we clasp hands with the puppy shit smooshed up all over both our hands. He smiles. My mother is around somewhere. I say, \"Too bad I can't have a puppy at my apartment. But I know I'll take one, only I hesitate, because I'm afraid I'll lose my temper and scream and hit when he makes a mess or is whiny. I don't want to do that ever again and realize this is a way to learn how to do it differently. I decide to go upstairs and look for the stairs. Someone says, \"There's this ladder that goes up.\" I sigh and say, \"I can't go up that. Why aren't there stairs where I want to go?\" Maybe I'll not go up until I have to, but only, I really want to go up now. So I will do the extra trouble to get there. I go up. Someone has a beautiful bird/butterfly, multi-colored, that flies around my head and sings. She's very pretty. Now I go to the edge of the room and look down, like a counter. The top half of the wall isn't there. I am going to jump down into a box of water. People are laughing; this is just for fun. I have a long skirt and a white long slip on and wonder how I'll make the jump without the skirt flying up and revealing that I don't wear underpants. The girls get in the box and splash around and now the water is all out of it. I scold them and say, \"Fill it up again and this time stay out of my water.\" It is filled up again and I am ready to jump, only I hesitate, because it seems so high up and the water so shallow. Will I get hurt?" }, { "number": "2662", "head": "01/31/94", "content": "My father and I are outside on a city street. I point up half a block and say, \"There, that's the house I was thinking of buying. I like it.\" He says, \"Let's go look at it.\" I feel reluctant, like I was just talking about it and not really that interested. I look again, and I say, \"Oh, it wasn't that house; that's a church. I meant one further on a block or two.\" He says, \"Let's go.\" I hesitate. He says, \"Is it too far to walk?\" I agree it is. Then we are at the front door of the house and ask the woman who lives there, and if we can take a look around. She agrees. We come in and walk through the hall, and turn right, the living room. I look closely at the size of the room and how much furniture fits into it, being aware that I ordinarily do not look that critically at a room and then have a faulty memory of it. I see a large ornate china cabinet, couches and two Christmas trees. An old woman sits in a chair; she is ill. I encourage her. Now I go to the first of three or four bedrooms. It is the old woman's room. There's a single, thin bed, a TV set, a closet. It's crowded, a small room. Next we go to the next bedroom, which is a bit larger. Then we go to the master bedroom, which is huge, beautiful, with lovely furniture, lots of windows, all the curtains matching. I say to the woman owner, \"This is a lovely room. My mother is on the tour and asks her when she is moving. She says she has no intention of moving. We go to the next room and more rooms seem to present themselves -- a dining room, a central kitchen. We have gone full circle around the house. I turn back and can see the master bedroom through the window of the kitchen and I see a beautiful fountain, a water fountain. I point it out to my mother, who looks in the wrong direction. I keep pointing and trying to give her verbal direction, but she just can't see it. I say, \"By the brick fireplace.\" She just can't see it. I give up. We leave, thanking the woman owner for the tour." }, { "number": "2663", "head": "02/01/94", "content": "I am in a living room, apparently mine and my new boyfriend and his 4-year-old son are with me. I am seated in an easy chair trying to clean up the area around me. It seems that lots of Charla's toys and junk from Ellie living there are piled up in the corner. The boy wants to play with his toys, but there is no room until I get the other stuff picked up. Now Ellie comes in and wordlessly starts picking up things. She pulls down the Christmas lights from the wall and other old decorations. It is way past Christmas. This is encouraging. I say I want to talk with her. The boyfriend realizes we need privacy and says he'll go to the other room for a while. Now Ellie and I sit side by side on another couch and I am very angry at her and I am slapping her face, only now Ellie is a tiny baby and I slap her face over and over. Now we decide to go upstairs to my bedroom for more privacy and Ellie leads the way upstairs. It is hard to walk up the stairs and the entry way is a cubby hole, not a door, which makes it physically hard to even get in. Then after we hunch down to crawl through, we have to step on a rickety ladder of sorts built up with like video or CD cassettes in a wooden rack which my boyfriend had built for me. That angers me too. Why did I choose such a difficult entryway to my own comfortable and nice room? [BL]" }, { "number": "2664", "head": "02/03/94", "content": "I am someplace where there are many rooms, sort of a house hotel. I carry a bag with a donut in it in my left hand. I really look forward to eating it as a treat. I open it and discover it is a sugar-glazed donut and feel real upset. I want to eat it but am afraid, because of the sugar. I almost decide to eat it but then give it away to the tall, large-chested man who seems to be enamored of me. I look for some other treat. I see a display of baby food jars and think about that, but decide that's too bland. I decide to return to another room where there are fruit-sweetened treats. He follows me. I can feel he really loves me and wants me. I seem to be drawn to him as well. We go into the room and he is showing me a special house he built that is earthquake proof. There is no roof and hardly any walls. I say, \"I guess about the only place you can live in a house like this is the Southwest.\" He agrees. I sigh. I guess I'll have to learn to want to live in the Southwest. We go outside the room and suddenly he kisses me. His big rounded chest is very prominent, and he has to bend forward to be able to get around the chest to kiss me. He starts taking off his jeans. I say, \"Please,\" I feel rushed. He is gently pushing me into the room. He lays down on the bed and asks me to take off my dress. He wants very badly to see my breasts. It is a passion for him that the breasts be the way he likes them. I feel embarrassed, rushed, and also feel his desperate, warm need. So I let him take the dress off as I sit on the bed with him. He pauses to say in a strangled voice of how terrible it is to be afflicted with such a strong need and not know why. I remember then, that he had told me his father had died in his arms, and right after that a large, buxom woman came into the room and comforted him. I realize this is why my breasts are so important to him. I say, \"What happens if my breasts aren't right?\" He says, \"Then I'll love you anyway.\" He then gently sucks on my breast like a baby. I kiss his arm gently. It is sexually exciting." }, { "number": "2665", "head": "02/07/94", "content": "Ellie comes over with Charla. She says she wants me to baby-sit her so she can go out to breakfast. She seems shy and hesitant. I think, \"Well she might, after all we've been through.\" Ellie comes over to me, her face soft and child-like, and starts to hug me. Then she curls around me and wants to nurse, pulling my breast out of the bra. I am shocked. I say, \"What are you doing?\" She says something like a 4-year-old child might. She nurses. I know something is very wrong and don't know what to do. I remain calm. The sexual feeling of the nursing is beginning and I know she has regressed to some childhood place and I want to support her, but this is so odd. I can't do much other than tolerate the moment. I try to pat her and lay my arm around her, but I am not genuinely being her mother as a 4-year-old might want. I gently distract her from the nursing. It is clear now Ellie has a severe mental regression problem. Charla is clear and direct and her own energetic self. My mother calls me asking if I'd found the first aid papers yet. I say, \"No, I have a real big crisis here and haven't had time to look.\" Ellie wraps her body around me. I say to her, \"You are a 25-year-old woman, with a child. You need to act like one.\" Ellie doesn't seem to notice, she's so off in her own world. I know I have to have her committed. I'm not sure how to do that. [BL]" }, { "number": "2666", "head": "02/08/94", "content": "A \"secret pal\" came into my rooms the night before and painted lovely mural-like pictures on my walls. They aren't done yet. I am very surprised and pleased. Then Rosemary comes in and I realize it is her art work and she's pretending to have just dropped by. I show her the paintings, yellow in one room and blue in another, designs on the wall, sort of sketched in some places and fully done in other places. I am mildly curious why she chose to do this. It is ironic since she and I haven't spoken since the Mexico trip. Maybe it's a peace offering. Now I have a white dresser with a mirror on it and some pictures I want to take to the sidewalk \"Saturday market\" kind of thing to sell, only Rosemary has painted part of it blue; thick blue paint. I realize this will make it come down in value. Ironic, eh? Rosemary was trying to help. I decide it was never painted in the first place. The blue disappears and it is pristine white and valuable again. I get it down a full flight of stairs and onto the sidewalk. I place the paintings around it. Rosemary is there with me. Some young college age women come by and are interested." }, { "number": "2667", "head": "02/10/94", "content": "I am at a party with old high school classmates, a reunion. I walk past them and they nod acknowledgment, but we never interact. I feel sad about this. They don't really care about me. Ernie and Ginny are around somewhere. I look in my little purse to find a lipstick. I take out some old glasses and other things and lay them aside. I find somebody else's lipstick and keep it. It has a double tube, only one side of it has lipstick in it. I put it on and look in the mirror. It is bright red, with a black outline partially around the lips. My lips look full and luscious. I decide I like this color better than the washed out pink I usually wear." }, { "number": "2668", "head": "02/15/94", "content": "A man is attracted to me and is trying to get my attention by hanging from a light fixture over a stairwell by his hands and doing tricks. I try to ignore him as I go to my apartment, but he is irresistible and I join him up there. We drop down in an embrace and I look up and say just in time as the square metal box was pulled apart and holding by one screw. We now go up to my apartment. He has moved his things in and a huge black and white bed takes up the entire room with maybe a dozen pillows across it. he turns down the comforter and we get in. He also has maybe four teenage boys. One wants to sleep with us. We laugh and send him on to his room. He goes in and there is bedlam going on in there as they noisily fight. One teen daughter is in there. She's the only nice one. I guess his kids didn't turn out well. Even though he's a wonderful man, his children are ruined. We cuddle up lovingly in the bed. Later, I am coming back to the apartment and a woman stops me and says, \"I'm so glad I met up with you. I have the address of a place where you can write. It's one big room, the owner keeps fifty books there in a stack and the rest of the space is all open. If he moves in more books, he'll prorate the rent.\" She writes down the address, maybe like 219 Ausilaudes. \"You don't have to live there,\" she says. \"Just go there each day and write.\" I agree I need to do that and thank her for the address. Now I'm walking across a porch where small open boxes are displaying segments of a mystery story. I'd been curious to know how this story went, so I walk and look in each box which depicts a scene. \"The battery,\" I say. It was a foreshadowing at the beginning. Now I understand why. My man is being attacked by horrible round organisms that are just a circle of color. They voraciously eat everything. and if he stops emitting this high-pitched noise like a scream, they will close in on him and eat him alive; me too. I am swimming in a lake and they are under the surface, coming at me. I scream and scream. This is an endless struggle. Finally his noise-emitting thing's battery runs out and he is trying to get a new one in. In the seconds while it's changing, they eat him up. I keep screaming and screaming. Finally I am exhausted and simply give up. They decide I shall die slowly and painfully, and I see myself bruised and battered and exhausted, waiting only for the agony to end with death." }, { "number": "2669", "head": "02/16/94", "content": "Charlton Heston is a director on a movie and I am hanging around. He calls me over and asks me to evaluate a scene he is going to shoot. I am very pretty and young. I look over the scene: a pond where groups of men are set up in twos and threes ready to ambush the hero. I notice that they are all attached with a rope. I decide this is a \"one,\" a highly difficult scene, because of all the elements. I tell Charlton and he is pleased with my answer. He is now flirting with me and gently maneuvers me into a quiet room and finds an excuse to shut the door. We chat and I am aware of sexual attraction. I know he is going to make love to me and that he is married, but this is OK with me. I like him and am attracted. He lays down on me and I am pleasantly excited and expectant. We manage to get out of our clothes and so on. It is all sort of innocent and one-step-at-a-time as I watch him maneuver the whole thing. Now I am his assistant director and mistress. It all seems OK and nice." }, { "number": "2670", "head": "02/16/94", "content": "My brother Dwight is dressed up in a nice suit and has received a guitar and a banjo for his birthday. He sits for a moment in a manual wheelchair that is in the room. I comment to him that my father was pleased that he's enjoying his birthday gifts. Dwight asks how I know, since my father didn't say anything. I said, \"It was in his face, his expression. I could tell he knew you loved sitting in the wheelchair.\" Dwight says, \"All I did was sit.\" I say, \"I know, but I could tell Dad could tell you loved the gift.\" Then, as Dwight is making a chair out of the cardboard boxes, the gifts came in by folding them on the perforated lines, I say, \"You know, I had a guitar, a mandolin, a fiddle and a banjo.\" Dwight says, \"Really?\" I say, \"Yes, but I sold some of them.\" He asks, \"Why did you?\" I say, \"I was poor. I needed the money. I was a student then and on SSI\" (Dwight says the SSI word with me like he's heard this story many times). I only got $1450 a month and I had to save $100 a month for the kids, for child support. Dwight says, \"It doesn't matter anymore.\" I say, \"Doesn't it?\" I clearly think it still matters." }, { "number": "2671", "head": "03/03/94", "content": "Howard keeps a photo of an old wedding. He says the bride is his sister-in-law and his sister a bridesmaid. I look and see that it is Dora's wedding photo. She is the bride and Sonja is the bridesmaid. I look to see where I am. I am off to the far right half, hidden behind other people. Or maybe I'm the tiny one off to the far left. I'm not sure. Now my daughters come to me. Paulina says she belongs to a group called the \"Trauma Survivor's Group.\" Dovre says, \"Yes, all three of us have been hurt.\" I now have to go to Howard and ask him if he ever did anything harmful to the girls. I don't want to talk to him, but I must, to get to the bottom of the situation (story?)." }, { "number": "2672", "head": "03/04/94", "content": "I am sitting in a room, watching TV and wearing my bathrobe. Women from the community college, like Charlene B, come in with leftover sandwich fixings from a lunch. They have a leftover sandwich that's \"juicy\" and full of all the fixings they are giving me. I feel a bit embarrassed about being caught lounging around in a bathrobe and watching boring TV. Now I go into another room and I am talking to a daughter, maybe Jock's daughter Megan. She's sort of my daughter, Dovre, as well. I say to her, \"I am a bit worried about Jock.\" I quickly reassure her that he's fine; it's just that maybe he doesn't really know what he wants to do. She sits up high on a bench up in a corner and moves some of my things off a table so she can eat. It's almost like the place she's sitting is suspended up in the air, half way to the ceiling in a corner. I am a bit annoyed with her for moving my things." }, { "number": "2673", "head": "03/12/94", "content": "I am in a house and the landscape is black and toxic as though black clouds came down and covered the ground. I want to walk over to Dora's house (two or three down the way) and am warned not to walk on the black clouds because they won't hold my weight and they are poison. So I find some cement beams like a curb side and I walk on it to the house. I go in and find Dora vacuuming and cleaning house. I feel a bit uncomfortable and apologetically say, \"I've done that kind of thing too, sort of.\" I look out the window and see a black, toxic cloud sky coming towards us. It fills the entire sky and then suddenly it passes and a brilliant green, fresh spring landscape is there. It is beautiful and I want to go out, but I don't quite trust it, having come from the black cloud formation passing over it." }, { "number": "2674", "head": "03/14/94", "content": "I am having my hair done for an interview on TV. It's a strange hairdo I am given. My hair is black with gray streaks in it, like H's. It is teased up into two big crescent-shaped rolls (not food), sort of 1940's. I am uncertain about whether I like it. I go to the TV station and the man interviews me, taking a lot of the time to comment on my strange hairdo. I am embarrassed, but can't do much about it. After the interview, Hasani and I are going somewhere and I pause at the counter and ask if I'd gotten any mail. Hasani is annoyed and says, Do it later, we have to hurry.\" (We have a second interview to go to, this is the next morning.) But the woman finds my mail and gives it to me and I am happy to see lots of Christmas cards and letters, lots of them from Amber. She must have given me lots of little things and separately wrapped them, like photos of her kids and so on. I gather the pile up and go to a room where I try to adjust the hairdo to a mere moderate and normal-looking one. I succeed. It's a normal French twist now and a brown color. My three girls are around. Dovre and Ellie sit on my left. Paulina walks outside and I see her face framed in the window by the pretty curtain. There are carolers out there and she joins in. The song is Silent night. It is sweet. Dovre's face is pensive as she listens to Paulina. Now Paulina is inside with us as I am separating the mail into piles on the bed: books here, new books there, letters, coins (lots of them) to the right. I ask Paulina to help me. I say, \"Open the letters and put the envelopes here and the letter right next to it in another pile.\" Then I change my mind and say, \"No, it will be easier to find things if you lay the letter on top of the envelope in one pile.\" She does so, and as she does it, she is trying to sing along with the carolers but sings the wrong words and I correct her. When they sang \"mother and child,\" she sang \"mother and mother.\" When they sang \"eternal voice\" she sang \"voice.\" It should have been \"eternal.\"" }, { "number": "2675", "head": "04/29/94", "content": "I am in a house and there are lots of people there, a party. They are having a great time. I am on the phone talking to Archie I am trying to think of things to say to keep him talking to me. He is annoyed, in fact, angry at me. He says, angrily, \"You are better than this, trying to manipulate it so we are alone. I don't like it when you do that. You know better than that.\" He hangs up on me. I feel terribly hurt and rejected, numbed by the pain of it. I turn and people are cheerfully calling out to me to join the party. I try to respond to them but it is very difficult. I go out to the back yard and something about Charla only having her diapers on. I see her and see she has an outfit of clothes on and looks fine. I comment that she is fine, perfectly and properly clothed. Her \"mom\" and \"dad\" want to stay at the party and I want to leave, to be alone. I tell them they can stay as long as they want. The \"dad\" says, \"But she only has one diaper. We'll only be able to stay as long as it lasts.\" I shrug; not my problem. I try to leave. I feel weighted down with the sadness of Archie's rejection. [BL]" }, { "number": "2676", "head": "05/01/94", "content": "I am in a cabin way up in the mountains. I love it there, alone and with all the free time in the universe to think and write. Charla comes to visit and very much wants to stay with me. I love her company but it is time for her to go back to town, with a woman who I know (but only in the dream). I love her and I want my alone time. She clings to me, hugging me ferociously, pleading. I try to soothe her, reminding her we will be together again. She cries as I walk her to the car. I am holding her in my arms and she is clasping me with both arms and legs. I put her in the back of the station wagon car with lots of other things. Now a man (like Claude) loves me. We've had time together and now he must go back to town for the week. He kisses and hugs passionately. I love it, but I also want my alone time. He says, \"It's always me that wants it more. You want it, but can let go of it.\" I sympathize with him intensely, but still know for a certainty it is time for him to go. It is wildly snowing outside, the wind is blowing violently. I caution him to be careful and not get stuck in the snow drift. He does not want to leave. I return to the cabin. There are women in there, talking. I sit apart from them on a couch. (chaise lounge kind of thing). There is some discussion of lesbianism, but I am not attached. Later, I look out at the wilderness. I love it here and there is some concern that a bad man might be out there and I could be in danger. I am not overly concerned, I just notice the possibility. The good man (Claude) is back and we are saying goodbye again, hugging and kissing and murmuring endearments. It feels so good and I feel sorry for him and think of sneaking up on him in the laundry room and making wild passionate love before he has to go. He'd really like it that I initiated it." }, { "number": "2677", "head": "05/02/94", "content": "Lucy, Merle and I are going to do a Birds show. A woman like Julie G comes to show us the way. We look for Lucy. She has taken a moment to check on how the mechanic is fixing her car. We see her in the back seat of a station wagon car, seated sideways, with the passenger side door open. Julie says, \"What is she doing?\" I say, \"She's listening to the engine to see if it's fixed. She'll be along in a minute.\" We go on to find the room. I go up in an elevator, now alone. I notice the glass wall has a bulge in it like it could break open and leave me exposed to the outside. I get closer to the door, just in case. I get out and ask directions. I am a bit lost and not receiving much help. I find the room. We do the show and everybody likes us. Now I am gathering up my papers and so on to go to another show or lecture situation. We will be late and I realize that even though I had planned ahead and thought I had it all together, my papers are in disarray and I will be late. I am upset with myself. I am in a gas station garage, or what used to be one. I start to leave and have to come back to get the papers. I realize I have trouble being in this space, because of early trauma in a place like it, maybe sexual abuse. I am in a hurry to leave there, something about a baby. A woman is around guiding me. Now I get into the car. We are driving on the freeway. It is Dover and I wonder if it wouldn't be better for the woman to drive as she is familiar with Dover, and I am a bit intimidated by busy traffic; nevertheless, I am driving and I go forward somewhat hesitantly. I notice the traffic isn't as bad as I had thought. I find the right freeway, almost getting on a parallel road and missing the right one. Now I am at the building looking for the poetry workshop room. I go back to where I did the show before and go down a long hall of rooms looking for the place. I notice I'm in the wrong hall. This hall is full of prostitutes hanging out waiting for customers. I (a man now) go to the head madam and say, \"Don't you service gays too?\" Now I am a woman again and find a group of people in the cafeteria. I ask them where the poetry thing is and a man points to a sign painted on the wall, \"Poetry\" and an up arrow. We go upstairs and find the room. As we enter, beautiful music comes to our ears and a woman says, \"I remember this music. I love it.\" We enter and I see an easy chair and sit in it. A man wants to sit in it with me and I am hesitant. He slowly comes over and sits with me. We are uncomfortably squeezed together, but it is intimate and the man would like it to be loving. I am unsure. Now a Dr. McCoy kind of man prances around and says that housewives are lucky. They have the house. He goes over to a tableau of plaster statues to point out the house and as he gets in there, one breaks. The crowd is stunned. A priceless work of art is now shattered into pieces. I realize he is a trickster kind of character. I watch as he brings a piece of the face to a woman who had lost a loved one tragically. He says she can...something, maybe relearn or integrate. She holds the fragment of the face and traces its shapes with her fingers and says, \"I'll have to have new clothes,\" and she stands and starts to talk about the face and herself. Meanwhile Dr. McCoy sits in the easy chair with me, like the other man had, and I am crowded and a bit tense. He smiles gently and says, \"Let me in.\" I turn my head and smile timidly up at him and we maintain eye contact. It is beautiful and moving and loving. I am suffused with warmth and love. I touch his arm, indicating I let him in. I lean back into the circle of his love. It is overwhelmingly beautiful and warm." }, { "number": "2678", "head": "05/04/94", "content": "A beautiful woman is married to a powerful man. But she is in love with a Cary Grant kind of guy who is her husband's business right hand man. She throws caution to the winds and is a bit indiscreet in showing her intense attraction to him. He takes her on a flying lesson and the husband (a king of business?) is very jealous. He suspects. Her trusty older woman advisor (secretary?) warns her to be careful. She is devoured by her attraction to Cary. Cary is equally devoted to her. They go off to a house. The king has spies and they are lurking around. Now there is a baby as well. The spies, soldiers, are searching for the baby. The wife realizes she's in danger and so is the baby. She must flee. The older woman takes the baby and hides it. The older woman now deflects the soldiers from the wife so the wife can escape. She takes them to the wife's room and chats as she moves clothes around. There are baby bottles and things around that she tries to hide before they see them. The wife has escaped. She is riding a horse and the crowd is surrounding her. Her hair is long, thick and blonde. She is about to be taken away. But the helper woman has another horse ready for her and she slips off the one and onto the other, the side saddle is covered with a horse blanket. She chooses to ride the \"manly\" way, astride. Now she rides away and hides in a village. She has changed her name to Maggie, her hair is short and red now. She now becomes intensely infatuated or attracted to a young man, a soldier of the village. It would be safer for her to remain alone, but she can't seem to keep away from this \"fatal attraction,\" the same mistake she made before. They sit together at a campfire." }, { "number": "2679", "head": "05/05/94", "content": "I am in England. I apply for a job as a counselor or facilitator at a house for the severely disabled. I note there is not elevator and a full flight of stairs to get to the bedrooms. I talk with the owner of the house, an older woman. She says there is a bedroom downstairs I could use. They are glad to have me there. A man, a professional man like a lawyer, lives next door, across the street. He comes over and is impressed with me and likes me. I want to show off my skills for him. My parents are in the background somewhere. So I have the disabled kids form a circle. I am working with a boy named DJ or something like that. He can't speak but manages to respond to me with his eyes or a subtle movement where he seems to get closest to me somehow. This is progress. I ruffle his odd, two-toned blonde hair which is partly pretty and partly coarse. I compliment his pretty hair. This makes him feel good. I am being successful." }, { "number": "2680", "head": "05/07/94", "content": "I am a busy traveling professional, on the circuit. I am tired and go to bed. A nice man who is there, one of many, to help me, is in bed with me. I am a bit uncomfortable, but curl up on the pillow and try to sleep. As I lay there, he becomes interested in sex. His hand starts exploring my breasts. I keep my eyes closed and think I hope he can find where they are (meaning I am embarrassed that my old age has made the breasts sort of slide off to the side.) He is hesitant and then moves on. Now he kisses me. I am thinking, \"Oh oh, now what do I do?\" when I notice it is pleasant. Each step is pleasant and we end up making love. His penis is short and stubby. I stroke it with my hand and he says in a gasp, \"Are you sure you should do that? I'll only last about two minutes that way.\" I smile because I realize I want it to last longer. He says to me, \"I am surprised you allow me to make love to you, you're a professional and important and I'm just an old boy from Texas.\" I say, \"But you are a nice old boy from Texas. You are kind to me.\" I smile and say, \"Lots of them have asked, but you're the one who is really nice to me.\"" }, { "number": "2681", "head": "05/07/94", "content": "I am on another planet. An alien and I are comparing notes about relationships and love making. He hands me cards like 3.5 floppy disks with symbols on it and he is interpreting them to me. He says for them, they just spontaneously fall in love. If the one they love is gone or doesn't reciprocate, they have the joy of suffering the unrequited love. It is an honor and a joy to live with this all your life. As we are talking, he is struggling to withhold from me his sudden spontaneous love for me. Then he lets it shine out and I am startled and overwhelmed. He shines in his intense love of me. He thanks me for the opportunity to suffer this great joy. Now I'm teaching him how to kiss. Other officers from his race and mine are upset and then realize this is the best way for our races to become friends and know each other." }, { "number": "2682", "head": "05/11/94", "content": "I am furious at Ellie and we are in a big warehouse-like house with cement walls and large empty rooms. I see a leak near the wall and yellow urine-like liquid is coming in and filling up all over the floor. I go from room to room and realize the decay and mess this place is in. A train goes by and the back rooms tremble as if they are about to collapse. I come back out and slap Ellie repeatedly on her face. I am filled with anger and know I shouldn't be doing this, but don't want to stop. I hit her and hit her, calling her stupid and lazy. I feel no remorse." }, { "number": "2683", "head": "05/13/94", "content": "I return home after being gone for a few days. Dovre and Ellie are there, Ellie is a young adult, Dovre is maybe 7 or 10 years old. I ask several times, \"Where is Paulina?\" They don't answer and finally I get worried. I demand to know where Paulina is. Ellie flirts with a young adult native American man, pulls his waist belt and they walk off. I realize Paulina is in trouble and Ellie is refusing to answer to me. I yell at her and demand to know. She just leaves with her man. I realize she is going to marry him and I don't even care to rescue her. My concern is Paulina. I ask Dovre who finally says Paulina is in the hospital and so is Charla because Ellie abandoned them without food or water or help. I am appalled. I walk and walk down the city streets looking for the hospital. Dovre comes with me. I ache and hurt terribly and am driven to get to my girls. I get there and walk down hall after hall until I'd gone full circle and found the admitting office, which is right near the nursery. I look in to see Charla as a tiny baby, maybe two years old, screaming in fear as a nurse tries to work with her. I also see a baby girl with a huge extended vulva and scratch marks on her little thin legs near the pelvic region. I realize she's been sexually abused. I want to rescue Charla but must find out about Paulina first. I ask about her and they tell me the room she is in. They want to know where I've been and why wasn't I around when the girls needed me." }, { "number": "2684", "head": "05/14/94", "content": "I am in a car and tiny blood sucking vampire bats are filling the car. I tell the woman driving, \"Keep driving and turn on the light.\" I try to shoosh them out the broken windshield on the passenger side. I am sort of in the back seat. One little fuzzy bat grabs onto my hand and sucks blood. I feel nearly overcome by sleepiness. This is very dangerous, because if I fall asleep, it will suck me dry. I try desperately to stay awake and turn on the light." }, { "number": "2685", "head": "06/17/94", "content": "Patricia comes up and says, \"Quick, get dressed, the Merton Circle is meeting again.\" I'm trying to get into a dress which is tight and I realize it's a plastic sack. I'm not able to complete dressing. A man who loves me comes by. I hold a wee baby and exclaim how very sweet it is and want to keep it. I hold it tenderly. I now walk with the man. His love for me is intense and undeclared. I lean into him showing him the baby and he is overwhelmed by his love for me and can barely refrain from embracing me. I innocently tell him about a conversation with a woman I had where I wanted to keep the baby, but she told me I shouldn't because a man loved me, I just don't know it yet and I should be open and ready for his love. This nearly overwhelms the man in his love for me. He wants to declare it and is afraid to." }, { "number": "2686", "head": "08/29/94", "content": "I am moving to Alaska to collect my inheritance. Some old woman relative died and left her estate to me. A lieutenant, tall, good-looking and muscular, comes to take me there. He is helpful, safe and strong. We are in a taxi and I am tired, having been traveling for some time. We go to a place, a counter where I can pick up my belongings, like a post office or airline place. I see my things are out of their package, and I ask the clerk if she has a large garbage bag I can use to put the loose things in. She doesn't understand at first, then gives me a padded one. I tiredly ask what the return address is on the baggage, so if any of my stuff got lost, it would be sent there. She says some long strange name with lots of \"W's\" in it. I am upset. That is my ex-husband's address. How tricky of him; now he'll get my things. How unfair. I drag my stuff to the taxi and sit in the back seat with the lieutenant. I cry on his shoulder; he likes me and is sympathetic, but a bit distant. Perhaps he's afraid to be clear about his feelings, it might make me more upset. We get to the town and I say, \"You won't like this, but I've forgotten to get my suitcases. They're at the bus depot. I only have the clothes on my back.\" We get out. The estate looks kind of small and tacky. There are a line of small, tacky cabins on the front part of the property, facing back to the one on the hill, a steep, dirty hill. I want it to be better and will it to be better. Now we go in and I see room after room, all of them in the wrong places. A bathroom first, a kitchen and the living room off in the back of the house. I want it to all look spacious and rich, and manage some ornate furniture. I go out to the back where a curtain is across the back full wall window. The corner of the curtain falls a bit and I see a beautiful view. I go out on the patio, a wooden deck and admire the mountains in the background. Unfortunately, right next to my property is a wire fence and a bunch of large construction trucks and tacky, bare dirt. Behind a wall is a small, covered swimming pool. I say to the lieutenant, \"Oh, this must be the one warm day of the year. I suppose (it's September) that that cold season (I couldn't remember the name for Fall) is starting tomorrow. His back is to me as he's looking out over the vista. He says, \"This is Juneau, it's warmer here.\" I say \"Oh, I forgot, this IS Juneau.\" We go back inside. A cold, well-dressed woman comes in; she likes the lieutenant and doesn't like me. She hands me a book that will tell me about the woman who left me the estate. I see a 1920's cupie doll kind of face, on the book cover. There is some mystery here, some sadness, she got used somehow. Now an old butler speaks, but I don't see him. He introduces himself as the old retainer and will be happy to stay on and with his wife the cook and so on. I hesitate, it sure would help, but I ask, \"How much do you charge.\" The woman implies I shouldn't worry about it, I've got a pretty good deal here, with the estate. Maybe it's all paid for." }, { "number": "2687", "head": "09/08/94", "content": "I am alone in a space ship millions of miles out in space. I see another space ship. It is probably an enemy. I am laying on a sort of gymnastic leather \"horse,\" staring up at the ceiling which has lots of toy wooden whirligig things. They are colorful. I am in suspended animation and struggle to awaken when two large, ominous-looking men beam into my spaceship from the alien one. One is bearded, black-haired, tall and muscular. I don't know if they are dangerous or not but decide to get them out of there just in case and mentally will them beamed back. I manage to do it. Now I must maneuver the spaceship cleverly to evade them. I fly under them so that can't get their bearings on me." }, { "number": "2688", "head": "09/08/94", "content": "Maren and Ellie and the younger set are there. They believe in fundamental religion and the Bible and I am going to debate them about reincarnation. I am walking around a large house with lots of interesting floors and no walls that I am aware of. There is a dirty water channel around the house like a moat. Dangerous fish monsters are in there and if you swim in it to get to the other side, you are eaten alive. As I am walking from room to room, I pass two young, leather-jacketed men, teens really, and I am exclaiming how wondrously beautiful the world is, shimmering, sparkly beauty. They approve of me. Not many people notice. I walk up a path and see a large green lake on the left. A man is laying down on the edge of it looking at it and saying, \"How pretty.\" I say, \"But cold. It is fed by glaciers.\" He doesn't believe me. I say, \"Stick your hand in, you'll see.\" He does and it is very cold, like ice. Someone remarks, \"This lake has been many places,\" and I ask, \"How can you move a lake around?\" I go back into the house area. Maren has returned and is interested in debating me about reincarnation. Then I realize she means to quote to me from the Bible to argue against me. A man comes to me and says, \"I want you to see the new water.\" I am impatient but follow him. He takes me to the dangerous channel. He wants us to cross it and see the new water over there on the other side as well. I look at the channel and see it is blue and solid, with a thin water layer over the blue solid \"floor\" laid over the channel. He says to the keeper of the gate, \"We want to cross.\" The gate keeper is nervous. The man says, \"I'll hold back the bear.\" I watch as the gatekeeper is trying to open the valve to let the crossing be safe as a huge bear is trying to eat him. The man is wrestling with the bear, holding him at his huge, gaping mouth. The bear has stretched his neck out long like a dinosaur's neck. It is overwhelming, but the man barely manages. Now a couple walks across the channel and I, in a prom dress, nervously step across. I am worried it will give in and I'll fall in with the monsters. We get across. The couple goes to the meadow and walks away; the meadow has that same thin film of water over it. The man says, \"We'll go up higher. Push that button.\" \"What button?\" I ask. \"That one,\" he says. I see two. \"Which one?\" I ask. He laughs and says, \"This one, right in front of me.\" I look over and see a button he is looking at. I step over and push the button and a small square platform I am standing on begins to go up and the man steps off. \"Aren't you coming?\" I ask. \"No,\" he says, \"the platform isn't stable enough for two. Sit down, he says. \"What?\" I say. He says \"Sit down, it's safer.\" Now it's going very high up and I sit, facing the mountain cliff we are rising up, very aware there are no walls and I am afraid of heights. I concentrate on looking at the solid cliff and not to look down. I get to the top, but the fun has gone out of this as I am alone and the man isn't there. I look around and then return back down. Now I see the water has returned to its original brown, murky dangerous way and realize I can't get back home. The man is over there. I ask, \"What happened?\" He says, \"We couldn't hold it. It disintegrated.\" I am very distraught. Now a woman, sort of me, but I am watching, dives in and desperately swims to the other side hoping she makes it before the monster fish get her. She almost makes it, but a huge brown fish comes out from under the bank and pulls her back under by the feet. She is dead and gone and eaten. I stand on the bank, knowing I can't go home and wanting to. Somehow I do manage to cross and return. Now as I am walking on the floors, I step hesitantly, half expecting the floors to have soft watery spots I can sink into and be eaten alive by the fish monsters." }, { "number": "2689", "head": "09/10/94", "content": "I am at a V. family reunion. It seems odd, because I thought we just had one and now it's next year already. My Aunt Esther is there, as young and pretty as in her prime, maybe early 20's. Her hair style is very 1940's and luxuriant. I remark how pretty she is. I want to tape things good this year and go get my video camera. I find the camera and the cord, but no batteries and no tapes. I desperately search and find other kinds of tapes, but not for the camera. The aunties are seated around an old oak dining table and are starting. The room is empty except for them and the table. The kids are playing in another room. I try to remember what they say and how they talk. Now I am very sleepy and lay down on the foot of a bed, apparently in another room. Katrina is laying on the bed and I move my head so I don't lay on her feet, but she gently replaces my head on her feet so I'll be more comfortable. I am so sleepy that I continue to not respond and she takes a pillow and places behind my knees and gently moves my legs so they will be straight, as it is bad for me to sleep all curled up. My joints will stiffen that way. I start to slip and I slide right off the bed and onto the floor. Then I get up. I'm hungry and go to find the cookies in the kitchen. I see lots of different kinds of cookies but not the kind I like (chocolate chip). I also see a chest of drawers and I rummage around and see jewelry and books and things. I try to organize them. Now I go outside. I've apparently been exercising and gaining strength and now I go down a ladder, wearing sneakers and a jogging suit and attempt to walk on the beach. I am elated. It's a dream come true. I see the waves at the surf's edge, the foamy white little waves and happily walk in them, feeling strong and vigorous. I look out to the sea and notice a breakwall with the ocean beyond it and then a wave about hip deep sweeps over me and I enjoy that, but am now a little concerned. I look again and realize a tidal wave is coming and I turn and run for higher ground. It roars over me and I am dragged and then deposited on a wooden fence-like thing. I hang on and look again to see even a bigger wave crashing over me. I hold my breath and go under. It recedes and then I see bird like dinosaurs, huge and non-thinking, eating the running and screaming people. I hide down behind a wooden fence, in the grasses, between rocks. My little girl is with me and I hug her to me. The dinosaurs pass over me and sniff, they kind of know I'm there and can't find me, but are getting very close. Another wave comes over. I hang on, hoping desperately we'll be safe. They eat more people. Now I peek out at the ocean and see it is running sideways. The current is like a river and huge plumes of exploding water funnels come up and dissipate. Something is very wrong. A dinosaur reaches his head over where I hide and is sniffing very close." }, { "number": "2690", "head": "09/13/94", "content": "I am traveling somewhere and see a beautiful vista and want to stay and take pictures. My lens isn't clean, so I try to clean it but it only smudges more. I struggle and struggle. I decide I need to find a photo shop to get it repaired and I decide to spend the night in this little resort town, in the mountains. Now the scene shifts and I am being initiated into the army kind of a thing. I am going to be whipped by the men as I pass. I carry my own whip and I fling that whip around so quickly and strongly that they can't hardly get near me. After this, I am given a sign that says, \"I have balls\" and another sign that says, \"I am a bird that birds love.\" Now I go on up the mountain. A narrator sort of describes how some people meet with bad times and some with good times. I see a tidal wave coming and a woman is killed by it. I see a man, a family member of mine standing at a spot where the tidal wave uncovers a wall of gold bricks (like pyrite crystals sort of). I am rich." }, { "number": "2691", "head": "10/04/94", "content": "I am wheeling down the sidewalk, going to the You Can Gym to workout. I see a young woman with dark hair in a wheelchair. She greets me and says, \"You come by here often now.\" I say, \"Yes. I workout a lot at the You Can Gym.\" Eric comes up smiling happily to see me. His hair is full and curly. He wears a spiffy suit. He says, \"Have you seen my wares?\" He refers to a box of ceramic things he is selling. A man is there and Nate is trying to do the salesman thing, very positive and creatively trying to get the man's interest. It isn't working, the things aren't all that terrific and the man doesn't want them. Nate seems to be trying to impress me. There is a black kitten, like my furry pouch in there somewhere. Now I see Dora. I have two paper plates with a squishy, messy paper napkin in between the inverted plates. I use it like a shutter bulb on a camera. The thing is my camera. I want to take a picture of Dora. She hides down behind a plate glass window barrier and is squatting. She is going to take a good healthy dump and says, \"Hey, don't take a picture of this.\" She says it's going to hurt and she will have to push hard, but it will be worth it and she'll feel good after it is done. The pain is like the bearing down pains of childbirth labor." }, { "number": "2692", "head": "10/06/94", "content": "I am with Mirabelle. She is in the garage looking around and complaining that Ellie has left the clothes in the washer and a mess all over. She says, \"Can't she see what needs to be done?\" I am annoyed at her and say, \"No, that's the point, she can't see what needs to be done, so she is unaware of what she must do.\" I walk back into the house and now am experiencing some terrible gut pain. A personal assistant dark-haired woman is smiling at me and solicitous. She insists I get up and sit on the piano. I don't want to, but I do. I am crouched over my belly, kneading the painful spot and the woman is smiling and suggesting I relax and so on. I am angry at her and deep in the pain and I let the pain be there on my face; I don't hide the pain. I groan and say, \"Yes, I'm in pain, terrible pain.\" I start to crawl off the piano and ask Mirabelle to give me an arm for balance. I step off onto the foot pedals of my old wheelchair and ease down off the piano. Mirabelle is being very helpful and lecturing me that I should tell that woman what I think and feel about her treatment of me. I'll feel better when I do. I am now angry at Mirabelle because it is her, not the other woman, that I want to say \"back off.\" So I say angrily, \"I am telling my feelings. I want you to leave me alone.\" She gets sarcastic and smiley like I'm mistaken. I say, \"Let me get around you\" (a narrow hall). I push my way around her." }, { "number": "2693", "head": "10/06/94", "content": "I am on a Dream Bus. A group of us are doing a dream workshop on the bus. It's a bit hectic and crowded. On my right sits a man I like and he likes me. He is sweet-faced and kissy. He's new to all this and asking some questions about the workshop. He asks, \"Where's the Merton Circle?\" I point over across the way to a group of people with their backs to the front of the bus and pointed away from us. I say, \"There they are.\" I am a bit surprised they do not include me. I notice they are watching a TV, monitor of the presentation we are seeing from the front main screen. Now this man and I move up front to a two-seater bench and are cuddling. The boss of the trip, a loud belligerent man, comes up and starts giving orders and so on. I feel defiant and I ask him deliberate questions and make direct statements that he doesn't want to hear. Other people are nervous and waiting for me to get nailed for being so uppity. I feel this freeing sensation of power. I'm telling the truth as I see it and to hell with the consequences. Now the crowd in the bus is chaotic and noisy and he's trying to control it and I make suggestions and try to control it. It doesn't work, of course. I'm trying to prioritize the three tasks that are needed to be accomplished. One task is to check and see who really belongs on the bus and throw the imposters out. The second is to get them to cooperate and not be such a milling, noisy crowd and then the third is some woman's wish to sweep the bus up with her broom and tidy things up." }, { "number": "2694", "head": "10/07/94", "content": "I am walking up some steep stairs to an attic storage room to see what the guys have stored up there. There are rows and rows of soda jerk equipment, and way in the back a bedroom for a man. It is rickety and the railing is loose, and Pete P wants to protect me. He has a bed sheet and is trying to lay it against the railing side, so I have something to hang on to so I won't fall. By the time I make it back down, he has it arranged. I'd gotten down by myself with him trying to help, but not really being helpful. He comes to me and hugs me gently and lovingly. He loves me. Then I start to realize he is transforming. He is black with red eyes, an entity and I am afraid." }, { "number": "2695", "head": "10/07/94", "content": "I am in a ward with physically and developmentally disabled people. They are wandering around crazy like. It is scary. I don't fit, so I go to the next room where the intelligent crazies are. They are men. I hang out with them. I am crazy too, I guess, or I wouldn't be there. I get a phone call from Derek. The line is static and hard to hear, and then the crazies are being noisy and I keep trying to understand what Derek is saying. He's trying to explain about his Chevy. Then he is angry at me and gets sarcastic, \"Being in the head B. Just can't get in the heart, huh?\" I say, \"Stop it. Stop it.\" \"Just tell me, B, I need you to be in the heart and I'll happily go there. I feel attacked and put down when you ride me about it.\" He is so distant with the static. I feel frantic trying to connect with him. [BL]" }, { "number": "2696", "head": "10/07/94", "content": "Derek is gone. He's taken off. I'm in a room with a lot of cops. They are a group of bad cops and my group is putting the sting on them, to bust them. I'm yelling, \"Get in that auditorium room, NOW!\" We've cut off their communications with their organization. They're laughing at us because they're the ones with the power, but somehow we surround them and they go in and I slam the door shut. I walk to each one. One dark-haired man is lying on the floor. I pick up his head by the hair and yank him around, saying as I do it, \"This is what you did to the patients.\" Another man I kick in the groin and belly saying, \"And this is what you did to them.\" We have them arrested and taken away. Now I want to find Derek. I go to the screen door and open it to go outside and two men are standing there. I walk past them, and look and look. I come back in, not having found him. Lisa and another young woman are there. We're talking about my silly boots. I say, \"Well, that's the way I wear them, Oh look, it's inside out.\" Then Derek is back, looking for me, only we miss each other and now he's in his car and driving and I'm in my car and driving. We're on the same road, maybe a car between us, and are unaware we are so close to each other. After driving for awhile, Derek sees that it is me in the car ahead and he speeds up to come up on my right side. He waves at me and I smile and see him and we drive side by side for awhile and find a place to park and we get out, Derek in his chair and me with a walker and we embrace." }, { "number": "2697", "head": "10/08/94", "content": "I am sleeping in a hall on the floor, in a suit of some kind. I wake up to find Ernie standing over me, watching me. I am surprised. I fall asleep again and three times wake up to find him watching me. He's in a blue business suit. He has made a decision. He is going to have me for his second wife. He goes to his wife, and she says, \"You've decided to move.\" He smiles and says, \"Yes to Posner\" (meaning a town where I live). This sort of is her way of saying she'll go along with his scene of having two wives. Now I am his wife and am about to meet the other woman who will be his other wife. She is a sophisticated woman. I feel shy and unsure about how all this will go. She smiles at me and looks over to where Ernie is standing off in the distance and says confidentially, \"He sure dresses badly, doesn't he!\" I giggle and say, \"Oh yes,\" and she smiles and says \"Well, we'll see about that.\" I say, \"Oh, that's just the way he is. Won't do any good to try and change that.\" She feels confident that she has some tricks of the trade that will fix it. I feel unsure about all this and a bit like a failure because I didn't have any tricks of the trade like that." }, { "number": "2698", "head": "10/08/94", "content": "The actor John Ritter is now sort of the Alan Alda/Ernie guy. He's in love with his woman and there is a short, pudgy, sensitive woman friend. The woman he is in love with and he are very attracted to each other but there some things in the way, maybe other relationships or something, so they are drawn to each other but aren't quite connecting. He touches her face lovingly. They talk. Somehow they are teaching each other by example how to be like the other. The woman teaches John to be more loving and John teaches her how to be more direct and sure and centered. I am with John at a football game. I watch as a play is made on the field. John is calling the shots. He says, \"OK, OK, throw a 32.\" I watch as they throw the ball and John yells, \"Low, really low!\" Then the ball is thrown up and into a square marked 32. The crowd roars. I say, \"Is that a good thing?\" He says, \"Yeah, it was strategy.\" Then one of the football players grabs another one and physically picks him up by his feet and his hair and carries him to the referee who sits on a high seat by the goal posts. The guy had cheated or done something unsportsmanlike and he's being taken to the ref for a fine or a reprimand or something. I laugh and say, \"Football! Can't they just play the game? What's all this macho stuff?\" The crowd shifts uncomfortably, a bit ready to heckle me for having a negative attitude about football. I feel that keenly and snort a bit more sarcastically. They respond one notch more, grumbling and hostile. I say to John, \"They do that one more time, I'll do it. I'll just say it.\" We are on the edge of them booing me and calling me names for being a stupid lady and I'm on the edge of calling them stupid and so on. John grabs my arm and says, \"Let's go.\" We start to leave. Now I am the pudgy woman friend. John's woman tells him his wife/girlfriend is in the hospital. The babies are seriously in trouble. John says, \"That's terrible, but what can I do?\" She soothes him and assures him it would make no sense to go to the hospital and be there. The pudgy woman is in the elevator and John and the woman are waiting for the elevator. She says to him, \"You know, you are too rough on her. You criticize everything she does. Her ass is too big, she doesn't talk right, she should do this and that. It's a wonder she isn't having suicidal thoughts. She just loves you, you know.\" \"I know, \"says John, \"I wish I could be more like her. She's so caring and sensitive.\" Now the pudgy woman gets out of the elevator. John somehow shows her the newspaper headlines about the babies being seriously in trouble and she sees this and starts crying and sobbing and running. She must get to the hospital and do whatever is possible to do. She's running down the hall to another elevator, sobbing her heart out. John is filled with guilt and remorse. Why can't he be like that? She is so giving of her love and he is so selfish and self-centered." }, { "number": "2699", "head": "10/10/94", "content": "Mirabelle is walking and we are going to the park and talking about her having a baby. I see I am on a motorcycle racetrack thing, a dirt bike kind of track. I get back on the road. I go to my doctor's office to get my file. I have some questions. I take my file with me. It is full and I realize I never even asked permission to take the file. Now I am looking through the file and decide to call the nurse and tell them I have it. I see the Dream Group is forming in the other room and they are starting the dream work. I want to be in there and realize I don't have to make this call. I hang up. I look outside and see rain clouds, dark, thick, heavy ones all around. It is an ominous, powerful sky. I enter the dream room and suddenly I am consumed by a fierce, powerful force. It wells up from within me. I am expanding, ferocious and somewhat alien. Claude sees this and stands back in awe. I am all powerful and I grab his shirt front and pull him up to me (he was sitting on the floor) and say, \"I'll make love to you later.\" I plop him back down and survey the room." }, { "number": "2700", "head": "10/13/94", "content": "I'm in a room talking with three volunteers for MIUSA. One woman is from England, another woman from India and a man from perhaps Australia. The woman from England introduces herself and says, \"We should get acquainted. Let's take a coffee break.\" I am distracted because far off in another room a man is sleeping. He had proposed something to me, perhaps relationship. He had offered me a ring and I had refused it but I am fascinated and want to go get the ring. So I keep putting the woman from England off with excuses about being busy, or it's too early to take a coffee break and so on. She persists. Finally, I say, \"No. You go on ahead without me.\" They do. Now the man is saying he has a pager, do I have a pager? I say no. He says, \"I'm trying to collect as many things as I can for when I go back home.\" He leaves. Now I drive my chair quietly to the far off room where the man is sleeping. I sneak up on him hoping I don't wake him. I open a small box and find the ring in a black pouch. I also find another ring of mine and an amethyst crystal. I gather up these things and sneak back out. I go back to the room I had been in before and open the pouch to examine the ring. I am drawn to the ring and to the man but I am hesitant. There's maybe some Howard energy around the man." }, { "number": "2701", "head": "10/18/94", "content": "I am at a man's house. It's Derek and yet not quite Derek. It is a potluck. Carlene and Pat are there, Brian and Megan, and perhaps some others. Brian says it's time to go and offers to give Carlene and Pat a ride, as I had brought them. They all leave and Derek and I are alone. It feels very exciting and promising. Derek is showing me around his house. He has a photo album open on the floor and I easily lay down on the floor to see what's in it. Derek is standing and walking into the kitchen and back to where I am. I am aware that both my being on the floor and his walking are not really possible. I look at the photos and say with some respect and awe, \"Hey, these are like Steven Spielberg's special effects.\" \"Yes,\" he says. \"Did you use special equipment or machines?\" \"No,\" he said, \"I did it with perspective.\" And he points out how something in the foreground and something in the background are sized to make a unique perspective. I am very impressed and then realize these are far better than any of my photos. I say, \"Maybe I shouldn't show you any of my photos.\" He agrees. I feel a bit hurt. I need to go to the bathroom and he says, upstairs. I walk up a long flight of stairs, realizing this should be difficult to impossible, but I'm doing fine. I find the bathroom. As I come back out the bathroom into a hall, I see an older woman and several younger women talking, perhaps about me, in whispers. I now am passing the open bedroom door of Derek's bedroom, on the left at the top of the stairs. I can't resist looking in and am specifically looking to see what kind of bed he has. It is an ordinary double bed and I am glad. It looks inviting. I go fast down the stairs, which are lined with books along the wall. I go so fast I almost skip stairs and trip myself up. Derek walks toward me, his sexy eyes clearly indicating he is sexually interested. I feel warm and responsive. But somehow, we are taking things to the kitchen and we go down another flight of stairs to a big open space. I look again for a bathroom and find a huge public bathroom and can't find the toilets. I ask a clerk at a window and he points to a room. I go in and it's a communal bathroom. I pee, somewhat self-consciously as the door is open and people are wandering through. I come back out and now am back in the living room and lying on the floor again. Derek walks over and lies down beside me and pulls out a condom and just shows it to me. I look at it and then at him and he smiles like a clown and makes shapes out of the condom, a mushroom shape and other things like a balloon clown would. I feel shy and sexually excited and he looks over at the stairs invitingly. I go to the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs, I sit down and he comes over and kisses me, lying down on top of me saying, \"If you don't want to do this, now is the time to tell me.\" I want to do this and kiss him passionately, sexually aroused." }, { "number": "2702", "head": "11/01/94", "content": "An alien female is transforming me. I am lying down in the front seat of a car. I am very afraid. She starts at the top of my head and as she slowly moves down to my feet, my bones and body change somewhat painfully, being pulled into another shape. I am now Eva Saint Marie, blonde, beautiful and elegant. My task now is to go to an audition. It is a small coast town and the local community theatre is putting on a play. The director has some important contacts in Hollywood and somehow I, the dream ego, knows Eva will be the right one. Eva goes in and he sees her and instantly knows she is the one. She is elegant, a certain aura or presence that indicates how very special and talented she is. He comes to her right. He is huge, twice as big as her, and puts his hand on her knee. He says, \"Act sexy.\" She takes his hand off her knee, looks him in the eye, and then tosses her hair around and looks sexy. He says, \"You've got the part.\" She's on her way to stardom. Now she/I goes to her home. She doesn't recognize it as the alien arranged this all, but she knows it's her new home. It is a small cabin behind a big house, very simple and economically furnished, a small refridge, a bed. A man and a small girl live there. They are her family, I guess. They simply are there, living, waiting as she goes out into the world." }, { "number": "2703", "head": "11/02/94", "content": "I am very attracted to Dr. Fleischman. He is attracted to me. There people around us so we shyly hang out together. He begins to kiss me and we start necking. Only our faces are turned toward each other. The bodies are not turned to lie up against each other. I miss that connection and so does he. He says, \"Let's lie down,\" and we lie down together on a table. We kiss and feel sexual desire, and start to make love. Some angry girl is watching. I'm going to get in trouble. I leave and the next day I am telling a group of people that I spent the day doing something else, in an attempt to protect Dr. Fleischman. Only he doesn't understand I'm trying to protect him and he gets hurt and angry at me for pulling away from him." }, { "number": "2704", "head": "11/04/94", "content": "There are twin babies and they both shit their diapers. I lay them both down on the floor and start to clean up the one on the right. The one on the left is annoyed and says something about not liking to be last. I try to tell it that I'll get to it as fast as I can. I get the diaper off and the butt is really disgusting with runny shit. I wipe and wipe but there's more and more, and in frustration I pick the baby up and take it to the sink and wash it under the faucet. It is nicely clean now." }, { "number": "2705", "head": "11/04/94", "content": "I have a huge house and my parents are there somewhere. I have invited several women to stay a while and they and their sisters from a sorority are moving their stuff in. I had seen them on the sidewalk looking for a place to stay. I say to my mother, \"Not all these women are staying.\" Meanwhile two men are moving in. They want to know where to put their cereal. I show them the shelves, \"The bread here, the desserts there.\" My father is concerned there will be so many people there will be no room for us comfortably. I point out this is a big house. The women will live on the top floor. There is, I realize, another huge recreation room complete with kitchen down the hall, so our nuclear family setup won't be over run. I see an alcove and am looking for a place to set up mailbox, pigeon holes in a desk and a hutch. I open a drawer and see kids' toys. At first I try and hide them from Charla so she won't come mess them up and lose them. Then I tell everyone, \"This is the playroom and everyone needs to be responsible and put away each game after they are done and be sure not to lose pieces.\" Then I feel OK about leaving them there, as several adults are there to supervise and I don't have to be responsible." }, { "number": "2706", "head": "11/07/94", "content": "Paulina is around and I am thinking of getting a different bed; the one I have is a mattress on the floor and a headboard. I am gathering up my many bottles of medicine for my cold, sore throat stuff, and getting ready to start the medicine regime because of a sore throat." }, { "number": "2707", "head": "11/07/94", "content": "I am in bed with Aunt Rosalie and her face looks like mine. Uncle Gus comes over and sits on the bed and I watch Aunt Rosalie's face as she is obviously in love with him and she looks at him so lovingly and wistfully. I confront Uncle Gus, who looks young, and good-looking. I say, \"Did you molest me?\" He looks surprised I would ask that and avoids answering. I say, \"Then did you do it to other cousins?\" He hems and haws. I then say, \"Well, you did it with Darcy.\" He accidentally agrees. I've caught him. Then does that mean he did it with me too? He worms around and puts his arms around Aunt Rosalie who seems to only be focused on wanting him." }, { "number": "2708", "head": "11/10/94", "content": "Derek and I are like counselors for two groups. He's with one group and I'm with another. I want to spend time alone with him, but that's impossible. I try to get our groups together so they can help each other out. I see an old man/tiger wandering around a bit lost. I call Derek over to see him and enjoy the pleasure of watching a human struggling with their process. He comes over and we both look down a flight of stairs. The tiger lies on his back and I see he's becoming sexually excited by a young woman. Several strings come out of his penile sheath. I encourage him to go look for a woman to have sex with. He then decides to look around and find one. Now I see Derek and move him to a room where we can be alone. He and I are both standing and I lean on him and hug him, wanting to make love. He stands tall and distant and it is clear he is not interested in me sexually. I am very hurt and run from the room crying. I want to run far away where he'll never see me again and I will cry and cry. But I choose to go to the house next door where his group originated. Both these houses are rotten and old and in bad disrepair. I go in, careful to step so I don't fall through the floor. I know he'll find me soon. I cry." }, { "number": "2709", "head": "11/11/94", "content": "I go to a street corner to meet Derek and friends. We're going to a potluck or the park or something. He wheels up, and I hear a narrative voice saying he paid $160 to help his friends get food ready and maybe they won't show up. I feel bad for him, going to all that trouble for possibly nothing. It doesn't seem to bother him. He wheels up and we greet each other happily. I am holding a sweet baby and cuddling her. Now we're going to go on and go to the park and continue, friends or no friends. I am walking and become aware that this is a dream, because I don't ordinarily walk. Realizing this, I decide then that he can walk too and he is now walking. I see his tennis shoes all stiff like, but then he is walking. We are entwined, my arm around him and his arm around me. It is close and intimate and warm. Then, he's back in his wheelchair and invites me into his lap. I and the baby curl into his lap and we laugh and hug. Now we're at the table and I feed him \"his food\" and he feeds me \"my food,\" one forkful. He only eats half of it and I pause, thinking about possible germs, and then shrug and finish off the bite." }, { "number": "2710", "head": "11/13/94", "content": "Billy Jeou. My father, Tex--" }, { "number": "2711", "head": "11/13/94", "content": "A man naked from the waist down, with his back to me. A young child fondling his testicles because he told her to." }, { "number": "2712", "head": "11/13/94", "content": "My mother decides to ride in my wheelchair to see what it's like, with me. She sits on my right side and I must carefully turn off the joystick so she doesn't accidentally push it and we careen off out of control. I want her to sit on my left side and we're on the wheelchair lift and it is going up and down out of control and I'm calling out to two children playing and to my father and another man, perhaps my grandfather, \"Help. This is an emergency.\" I am getting more angry. They do not pay any attention. Then I realize I'm sitting on the lift control panel and am making the lift go up and down myself. I stop it and we go down and I drive off the lift." }, { "number": "2713", "head": "11/13/94", "content": "Lucy, Mirabelle and myself are going to do a program for teachers in a school. We come early and wait all morning until lunch when it's time for our program. This is annoying. A small orange and white striped kitten is with me, perched on my head. Mirabelle has a black and white one. I like the kitten. It is playful. A small mouse and the kitten are being used to demonstrate a point to me. The kitten eats the mouse and then lets it back out unharmed. I feel a bit uncomfortable and nervous for the mouse, but the mouse is OK. [BL]" }, { "number": "2714", "head": "11/15/94", "content": "I am in a room with a large wall window. A woman is on the other side. She has pages and pages of lists of songs, by the decade, and is going through the list with me. We're looking for songs we like. Bill Cosby comes in from a door at the left and is deftly \"playing\" the wall, like it is a piano keyboard. Then he plays the keyboard to the right of the wall, under the window. It is a complex piano piece like the flight of the bumblebee. I am impressed and ask him how he does that, on the wall. He shows me some intricate hand moves that simulate a piano sound. I call to the girls upstairs to come see Bill Cosby. They come down, but he is gone and they are disappointed. Now a group is going to the concert and a guide or two is there to show us how to walk across the ledge of stones, a thin row of stones across a vast precipice. It's a scary walk, but we are doing it. Suddenly a young person falls off, but surprise, the guides are quickly down at the bottom to catch them, so no one is hurt. No one can get hurt even though it seems a dangerous walk. Now I go up a hall, up a few stairs to a small room, in the Hult, Studio One, it is called. Small baby children are playing an elaborate pipe organ-like instrument with their adult helpers. It's pretty, maybe Mozart, but not the concert I came to see. I move on in search of another room. I find one where adults are doing the same kind of music. Now I need to go to the bathroom and find a stall. It is a mess in there. There's a toilet, a pediatrics commode, all shitty, and a pool of urine on the floor. I don't want to touch anything. A woman pops her head in and apologizes for the smelly commode. I try to pee in the pool on the floor without dragging my clothes in it. It is difficult. I decide to leave." }, { "number": "2715", "head": "11/16/94", "content": "A little girl is getting ready to go to school. Her mom and others are fussing about making everything just right. She has an elaborate hat and dress on. A little boy, her brother, is feeling neglected. He plays a card game and runs away to get attention. No one at school likes the little girl and a woman, like Aunt Naomi, says, \"Maybe you are just trying (working) too hard.\" She takes the hat off and turns the dress inside out so it isn't so fancy. I, the dream ego, think, \"Boy, what an amazing coincidence. The dress is reversible like that and no ugly seams show\" Now the boy has run away and someone on a huge motorcycle is taking him for a ride. The motorcycle has a canopy on it. Later, I (adult) get on a motorcycle to go find him. My mother is riding on the back and I keep trying politely to get her off. I'd say, \"Here's a nice place you could stay,\" and she'd say, \"Why would I want to stay at a place that looks like an aircraft carrier?\" (a huge apartment complex). I take the wrong turn. I go the left fork. My mother says, \"The gravel looks different here.\" I say, \"You're right.\" I made the wrong turn and I go back to the fork to go down the right fork. I had intuitively felt it was the right way, even before my mother spoke." }, { "number": "2716", "head": "11/17/94", "content": "Derek kisses me. I am disappointed because his mouth is hugely wide and it doesn't feel good. He French kisses and it is intense, our tongues intricately intertwining. I feel him have an orgasm and I am untouched with sexual passion. It feels very cold and self-serving. Now I am being chased by him and other people. I run for my life. They are gaining on me and then I am backed up to a huge barbed wire fence. I turn and fight hard, without guilt. It is simply necessary to defend myself. I box kick and do karate moves. I force the fence into a man's throat, so the barbed wire is poking his throat. I demand they open the gate. It slides open enough and I dart across \"no man's land,\" a railroad yard, tracks and mud. A \"living\" box car is trying to run me over as I try to race across the land and over the tracks. It moves like a cartoon creature out to get me. I cross the other fence on the other side and run like hell. The landscape is dismal and frightening. I turn left and am in a hall-like place like the storage unit place. I duck into a storage unit where green plastic upholstered dining chairs from a 1950's style are stored. I sit in one and slide the door partially shut and tremble in terror. [BL]" }, { "number": "2717", "head": "11/17/94", "content": "Derek is the king and now I am the queen, only now Derek disappears and I am prisoner in the palace, all these men wanting to control me because of my power. My little girl and I have a secret bathroom we can go to in a house trailer. We have potty bowls. She has to poop, I have to pee. My dress is ornate and formal with the official queen logo on the front. As she and I wander around, I cover the logo and my face so no one will know I am the queen." }, { "number": "2718", "head": "11/19/94", "content": "Bonnie and I are in a pickup truck traveling back home and she stops and grabs a small calf and kills it, throwing it in the back of the truck. She does this a second time, explaining that the baby calf was pregnant anyway and would have died. I am very upset and say to her, 'This is cattle rustling. At least drive away from the door of where you stole it.\" She drives a ways and parks right in front of an old broken down, rotting house. I hear a mean couple arguing. I want to escape there, but sit in the passenger seat, not doing anything. I see Bonnie use a knife to cut open the pregnant calf. She says, \"See, I told you it was pregnant.\"" }, { "number": "2719", "head": "11/26/94", "content": "I am somewhere, supposedly at my place of work, only it isn't. I want to pee and try to in a bowl; it stinks and is exposed. A woman, perhaps Maren, follows me around. I am annoyed. I try to clean things up a bit, wash a dish, move a bottle to the sink. Then I go out into a large warehouse-like area and toward an open door. The woman moves ahead of me. I see the tip of a huge, black, shiny, pretty and dangerous tank. The woman steps out and is killed. I turn and walk back through the long huge warehouse building going toward the back exit. I am aware that maybe I should check and see if the woman really is dead, but that would be dangerous to me. Maybe I should warn other people, but I don't. I decide with a bit of guilt that I will call people and warn them after I get to my office, my place of work. I see cupboards and cabinets and think about hiding in one of them. I realize that is what I usually do in a dream, and decide not to do that this time. I find the back room, where two men are working, stacking wood furniture this company makes. I pass them without a word and go out the back door and around the corner. I look to the right and see the back end of the black tank which now looks like a large fuzzy black elephant, the same kind of fuzzy as my purse. I then run to the left and go up some steps to another building where my office is, only it's not my office and nobody is there and hasn't been there for a long time. [BL]" }, { "number": "2720", "head": "11/27/94", "content": "I am at the coast at a seminar thing. A lecturer, a famous man, is preparing to lecture. I've been to several of his workshops and am returning for this last one. I see I'm early, maybe a half hour early, and not many people have arrived yet. It is outdoors and I decide to secure myself a place near the front on the grass. I lay something down on the ground because the patch I choose is a bit muddy. The lecturer tells me to move back a bit, as he'll need more room to conduct the lecture (like a symphony conductor). I move back; I am annoyed. He didn't have to tell me in that cold way; I'm quite willing to be helpful. Now it's over and I and the other women are returning to our home, only when we left home to come to the workshops we were girls and had left our toys out. When we returned, we were women. I start to put away the toys, only I still want to play with them and decide it is OK to keep them around for when I feel playful. Then Ginny calls and says she's booked us for a weekend at the coast to attend this really neat workshop entitled \"The forest and the river.\" \"Maybe,\" she says, \"you're all tired out from the last workshop and don't want to go.\" I say, \"No, it's OK.\" Then we can stay Saturday night and just have fun at the coast the next day. Ginny kind of hesitates, then agrees and I realize maybe she hadn't planned to pay for both nights." }, { "number": "2721", "head": "11/28/94", "content": "I am in a house. Derek is there; it is late at night and I am tired. I go lay down in bed and close my eyes. Suddenly, Derek has transferred into the bed and puts his arm around me and I put my head on his shoulder. It feels very cuddly and restful. He rolls over so he's over me, but not on top of me, and we talk for a while. I fall asleep and then wake up. He is out of bed and in my parents' bedroom looking for something in the closet, something he may have left there, or maybe he's taking money of my parents'. I don't know. Then he is gone." }, { "number": "2722", "head": "11/28/94", "content": "Charla and Deirdre are both the same age, rambunctious children. They are being noisy and not minding and so I say to them they have to lay down in bed and be quiet for 10 minutes; then they can go play. They simply will not stop. They'd get out of bed or talk and giggle. I am furious. It's a power struggle. I go over and spank them each four times on the butt. This doesn't stop it. I start slapping them on the face, hitting them over and over and insisting they mind. They simply do not understand why I am being this way. I am stone cold angry. I have a point to prove. This is discipline. Mirabelle comes over and talks; she wants me to be lenient. I am angry at her for interfering. An old lady comes by and wants to talk. I am firm and almost rude to her demanding she leave as I have no time for her now. I relentlessly keep slapping the children and they irrepressibly keep disobeying. It's a horrible feeling of being caught in this ugly angry space for principle's sake." }, { "number": "2723", "head": "11/29/94", "content": "I'm going camping and packing things up for the trip. The girls have tossed in a bunch of their underwear without trying to neatly pack it. I stuff things in a duffle bag. Bonnie suggests we take something pretty to wear for Saturday night. I say I have some thing, but I don't really want to party then, I'll be too tired. Dovre, younger, maybe pre-teen, decides to go explore a ship on the river. I watch her go in and then get concerned. Is she safe? I go to the ship and pound on the door. There's a surly captain and rough-looking crew men. I ask if anyone saw Dovre come in. They shake their heads no. I demand to see the Captain. He comes to me, looking mean and noncommittal. I ask him if he has seen my daughter. He says no. I say, \"She came in here.\" He says, \"I'll ask the men if they've seen her.\" I suspect they are hiding her and intend to rape her later. I say to him firmly, \"If you are a man, you'll ask your men that question with authority behind it. If you care about her safety, then they will.\" He smiles coldly. I don't trust him. I say, \"If you don't genuinely try to find her, then I'll get the police.\" He says, \"Id rather you got the police. The men wouldn't like it if I acted that way\" (concerned for the girl). I say, \"Fine, I'll get the police.\" He says, \"I'll go with you.\" We walk toward the police station. We sit for a moment and I say something like, \"You're just half a man.\"" }, { "number": "2724", "head": "12/01/94", "content": "I am in a store and want to buy some soft angora pink yarn. I am knitting the knit-purl ribbing of a sweater. I watch me knit, careful to not drop a stitch. I almost do, several times. I am knitting quickly. I take a tray with costume jewelry and the boxes of yarn over to the counter. I move the loose pearls and gems over to the left and count the boxes of yarn. Some are pink, some are white. It is going to be expensive to make this sweater. Now I am sort of married to Derek. A couple of young women come in and possibly his mother. They don't know Derek and I just got married and they are talking about him. It is clear to me that the woman Paige has a relationship with him. He's had many and I listen in carefully to try and overhear the truth. I feel hurt and unloved and betrayed. Now I go into another room where Derek/Darryl is and his two brothers. He is cold to me and his brother is caring. I go over to talk to the brother. Derek is jealous and demands to know why I pay attention to his brother, not to him. I tell him I know about Paige. He comes over to me and kneels, hugging me, his blond head at my breast level. He is sad and sorry, pleading for me to stay and forgive him. I caress his hair. Now the young wives of the two brothers are getting dressed for the return home of their new husbands. One of them is Paige. The dark-haired one is changing her top and is quite excited to look special and pretty for her husband. I'm changing my clothes too. I step outside where Paige is and say, I know about you two. She says, \"Oh?\" I say, \"Tell me what it was like.\" She says, \"He's a hard one, complex.\" He used to like to watch me do it (make love with someone)." }, { "number": "2725", "head": "12/02/94", "content": "I and some other Americans are on the cliff face trying to find a treasure or something valuable. The Russian crew is following us, watching, perhaps video taping us. We pretend the treasure isn't there and go on looking at another spot. Then we rush back to the original spot. Now a Russian team on the opposite canyon wall throws a basketball. This is a challenge. I manage to catch it and say to the Russians near us, on our side of the cliff, \"See! ONE! One point.\" I am being victorious because the score is being kept in American language, not Russian. I now try to throw the ball. It is heavy and I don't get it airborne very much. It falls, I see a poof of smoke and then someone else on my side almost catches it." }, { "number": "2726", "head": "12/02/94", "content": "I am in a bus; it is early in the morning and I see men dressed as vampires (like Halloween costumes) greeting each bus. I think it amusing and silly they'd get up so early to do this little trick." }, { "number": "2727", "head": "12/02/94", "content": "I am in a house, which I think belongs to Cousin Leroy, who is married, only he loves me. He has a younger sister or niece who is not being responsible. I follow her out to the sidewalk where she has a sort of wooden box like a cupboard or desk combination. I go through the mail and papers. Some other woman with me says, \"Here, see? She owes volunteer hours at the Y.\" \"What does that mean?\" I ask. She says it means she hasn't paid her bills. This is the proof we need for cousin Leroy to confront her. Now I am writing down what he should say on yellow post-it notes. It says, \"Because you have not been responsible, you will have to move out.\" I follow my cousin into the house. He is sitting on the couch. He grabs me affectionately and pulls me into his lap and we kiss and cuddle. I hear someone walking down some stairs and struggle to quickly get out of his embrace so we won't get caught. He is married, after all. He won't let me go. He listens and says it's his father and he's going outside, not through the living room where we are. The thought is there that maybe I'll be his second wife (meaning simultaneous with his first wife.)" }, { "number": "2728", "head": "12/03/94", "content": "I am attending a math class, college math or something. I am attracted to the math teacher and I'm also angry at him. He is flippant and puts me way far away from the regular classroom students who are younger than me. Or else I choose to sit far down the hall, maybe a combination. I decide to leave and I gather up papers and decide to take with me photos of him even as I am telling him I don't like him. I pile them all up and know that as soon as I try to leave, the papers will all fall and make a mess. So in playful defiance of him, I go to his cupboard and take out three rubber bands. He mocks shock that I knew where they were and that I'd have the audacity to take them. We are flirting even though we are pretending to dislike each other." }, { "number": "2729", "head": "12/03/94", "content": "I've invited Derek over for a party and we're both excited because we're going to get to be kissy and huggy. Only, we don't seem to get alone. An old man, someone of Derek's friend's father, needs comforting. I do that. Derek's friends keep dropping by. Finally, I sit on the couch with him and cuddle. I kiss him twice on the cheek and he gasps like, \"Oh, my God, it's starting already and I'm scared.\" I smile at him reassuringly and he takes the plunge and kisses me and we neck. I feel his gut twitch from his gut pain. Now there's another interruption and I get up to help the old man, and I look in a mirror and see foam stuff foaming up on my head under my hair. I am embarrassed. Maybe I shampooed with the wrong stuff. I lean over the sink and turn on the faucets and I take handful after handful after handful of the foam off my head. More seems to be foaming up, never ending. Now Derek and a woman like Neila are arguing. I go to the back bathroom and continue the washing process. It's taking forever. Derek comes back and leans on the door. It partially opens. I try to keep it closed because I don't want him seeing me all foamed up and with wet hair. He's upset, so I let him in. It's kind of comforting and intimate. He sits on the step to the door and watches me, concerned. He say, \"I've got a book we should read. They pretty much recommend you talk it over with the woman pretty much before you fall in love,\" meaning the sex manual for sex with a para. He smiles up at me and tears come to his eyes. In frustration, he pounds himself on the stomach and legs. He says, \"A friend called. He wants to come by and visit. I know you like Sundays and want some loving connected time.\" He's afraid I'll be mad at him. I smile at him and say, \"Don't you understand? I already feel loved, just being near you.\" I see I'm pulling strands of hairs out with the foam. \"Oh, my God,\" I say, Now I'm going bald too.\" Now the woman counselor friend of Derek's, called Jane, comes in and is very upset. She has hair things, barrettes and hair clips and rollers in her hand and accuses Derek of stealing them. He's denying it. I turn, wet hair in a towel, and put my hands on her shoulders to stop her from leaving the room. I say, \"We can work this out. Let's talk. He didn't do this. I know he didn't.\" She's pissed at me for blocking her and doesn't want to talk. I have a vague sense of distrust; maybe Derek did take them." }, { "number": "2730", "head": "12/06/94", "content": "Nightmare. Stabbing, hurting someone and them hurting me. Anger and pain." }, { "number": "2731", "head": "12/06/94", "content": "I have joined the KidsSport swimming group. I am an adult, the only one with all those kids. Now I am the KidsSport writer. I feel a bit silly." }, { "number": "2732", "head": "12/07/94", "content": "Sweet, loving, affectionate times with Derek. Soft, loving eyes." }, { "number": "2733", "head": "12/07/94", "content": "Jean-Luc Picard is captain of the space ship and a woman is an officer. Jean-Luc gives me a present, pictures of theaters, like The Shakespearean Theatre. I say, Thank you,\" but am a bit puzzled why he'd give them to me and a bit disappointed it wasn't something I liked more. I appreciated that it was in the Theatre area of interest, but it's a bit removed from writing and creativity. Now the ship lands on a planet where we rescue the inhabitants from an underground building they'd been locked up in. They are all women and they are clones of each other. There might be different main types or groups. They are docile and unemotional. Now a big bad guy in black, like a Roman Centurion costume, comes into the picture. Somehow we are in a confrontation and he has set it up to where every time we demand something from him, we will have to hurt one of the women, who are now referred to as goddess. We'd demand information and he'd refuse to give it and a docile semi-comatose goddess would walk up to be punished. But we decide rather that each time this happens, we do not hurt the goddess. We cut him. It only takes once. He sees some blood near his nose and whimpers and lays down like he's dying." }, { "number": "2734", "head": "12/08/94", "content": "I look at a building that is being built out of a rock face of a mountain. I say, \"Hey, it's almost done, you can hardly see the rock face at all.\" It's a brick and glass building now. I walk toward it and a man comes out from the left to greet me. This building is like the University Admissions building and this man is an administrator type. I say, \"That sure looks great.\" He asks if I'd like to go see the inside, even though it's not completely finished. I say sure. We go to the door, which is heavy and hard for me to open. The man is not helpful, and seems hesitant to even want me to go in now. I get the door open and go in. I walk up some stairs. Portions of the floor seem warped even though this is a brand new building. I go around a corner and see booths like Saturday market indoors. This is City Hall and all the departments have booths instead of offices. The first booth I see is the New World Theatre Booth. A man there, an actor, asks if I know where Derek is, because he'd really like to work with him again. I say, \"I'll tell him. I'm sure he'd like to do that.\" I go to the next booth, a woman and her husband. I think they do costumes." }, { "number": "2735", "head": "12/08/94", "content": "Derek and I are going to have sex. It is a very complicated ritual. I have to lay a certain way. His wife is coordinating and assisting all this. She brings me a wheelchair with cushions in it and places it over Derek who is laying on his belly on top of me. I'm now supposed to get up and sit in the wheelchair. I don't want to. I think all this is unnecessary. If all these people would just go away (Ellie and Kyle are both there, each in their own pickup truck), things would happen naturally. I try to tell Ellie to leave and I'd find a ride home myself later. She gets out of the truck and refuses to leave. She is being protective of me. Derek gets confrontational with her, saying she's done this sort of thing before (been hostile or refused to do what he said, or something like that). Some woman is perched on the bed to our right in the upper corner; she is just sitting there." }, { "number": "2736", "head": "12/10/94", "content": "I am in a living room. Derek is there, as well as Charla and other relatives. Derek and I had done half of a script I'd written. We'd taped it, maybe radio or audio tape, I don't know. Charla was in it. Now at 2:00, we'll go in and tape the second half. I'm checking the script to see if Charla is still in it. Some woman relative says, \"...But Dovre is so angry at Derek. If he has to go pick Charla up, she'll be mad at him.\" I say, \"Then I'll go get her.\" I see Charla isn't in the script in the second half and notice there are only long monologues for Derek and me. I see Derek sitting in an easy chair and I hop happily into his lap. I realize that's a bit intimate, so I scoot up on the arm of the chair. I alternate being in his lap and getting up on the arm of the chair. I tell Charla she can stay here with the relatives for a while, as she's not in the script. I am relieved she takes it well and is happy to stay. I see two young men come in and I think one is just like Tony Curtis. Is he a cousin or an Uncle? I am trying to remember. It seems he used to be a relative many years ago. He says hello to me and I realize he is perhaps a son of the old one I remember. He doesn't remember me. I go to Aunt Naomi and ask her if that was Tony, not the Dressel one, but the one that I might have know many years ago. She is surprised and tells me a story of a young man she loved long ago. I say, \"But have I met him?\" She says, \"No.\" I realize she thought I was being psychic and clicking in on her past love. She is very tall. Now I go into another room. Derek is there holding an oblong box with lots of buttons in it, a musical instrument of some kind. Uncle Joel is there. Derek also has some golf clubs. I teasingly take one and we tease back and forth about how I don't know how to play golf. I say, \"Sure I do. You take this club and you...\" I look at the ends. No hitting part. So I tickle Uncle Joel's nose with it and we laugh. Then I take the box and try to play a song. At first it is random notes and then I start to get the hang of it and play a nice rhythmic rumba kind of music and end on three bass notes. Everyone is laughing happily and applauding. It is very joyful and I feel good about having figured out how to do it and do it well. I then look at the buttons in the box and realize I've mushed them all up until they are a messy mass of what looks like rubber eraser bits. I say, \"Oops, hope you can put it back together\" (to Uncle Joel). I then realize it's almost 2:00. I get up to go change my clothes to go to the taping. Uncle Joel is seated on a stool and is sad. He tells me how he used to be good at things and now he can't do them any more. He just tried to read for five hours and on the short reading tests he did OK, but on the longer ones he couldn't remember what he'd read. I am very sympathetic and tell him how I've had to go on and learn new things and give myself grace and time to get good at the new thing. I sort of am aware I'm lecturing, even though I am genuinely sympathetic and loving. I look over at Derek to see if he noticed. Now I'm holding Uncle Joel's hand and I'm walking away to go change. I still have his hand in mine and turn to see that Derek had exchanged Joel's hand for his own and is walking behind me. We go into the bedroom and I see it is 2:00 now. \"Oh,\" I say, \"We're late....\" I rush around getting the clothes. Derek is very mad at himself for being late again and slaps himself on the legs. I say, \"...but first I really got to go pee.\" I rush for the bathroom." }, { "number": "2737", "head": "12/12/94", "content": "I have returned to work at the community college. I am advising the new students. A man comes up and asks about a lot of different things, like classes in legal aid and religious studies and so on. I ask if he intends to get a degree, either a 2-year or a 4-year one. He doesn't know. He just wants the classes. I get the catalogue and start trying to get the information. I am aware I've been gone for a long time and don't know the new information or the new format it is in. I find a section on Oceanography. Leafing backwards in the catalogue, I find Science. Then, I go forward in the catalogue and find Spiritual, or Religious Studies. I say, \"Oh, of course, it would be in alphabetical order.\" The man is quite happy with me and keeps kissing me on the neck and cheek. I am annoyed with him and finally tell him firmly to stop that. He goes away. Now, I walk toward another section of school. I am outside and walking toward a wooden bridge. Now there is a dream sequence in the dream, where I give up and say to my female partner who I've been living with for some time (like Theresa and Christie of Rochelle's friends), that I give up. We can make love. It's OK now. I wake from that dream and wonder if I really did that and made love, or if it was only a dream. I try to notice how my body feels and decide that it was a dream and we didn't actually make love. I am relieved. I now walk toward the bridge and see Theresa/Christie on a truck. I smile tentatively, thinking she must think I'm really strange to just announce it's OK to make love after so long ignoring her. She smiles at me and says, \"It's still a marriage even though I've been in the deep freeze for so long.\" She chats about things and asks me how it went at work yesterday. I say, \"It was a long day, 8 to 10 hours, but I started getting the hang of it after awhile. The hardest part and the most tiring was working with the new students.\" The feeling is that we will get together later. I walk on across the bridge and see I'm in a fruit/produce section of a grocery store and pause to choose some snacks, fruits. I choose a banana, think about the apple or the pear, and eat the banana. Dickie stops by to get some too. Then, we'll head on over to where we'll be working." }, { "number": "2738", "head": "12/15/94", "content": "I am in a house. I decide I want everyone to help me clean up the mess and put their things away. I suggest we all pick up our own clothes and put them where they belong as a start. I specifically say to Jake, \"Come on, you too.\" He groans and then they all start getting up and picking up their things and taking them to their rooms. I see a small girl holding two very heavy mirrors, with wood frames on them, maybe vanity mirrors. I say to Jake, \"Why don't you give her a hand.\" He agrees and they go off together down the hall to a bedroom. I turn to supervise the rest and then see them returning down the hall. The little girl says that was a funny kiss and a really weird hug. I see Jake looks guilty and wants her to not talk about it and I realize with a sinking feeling that he sexually came on to her and I set that up by suggesting he help her. Somehow, I knew he'd do that, or I felt like I should have known. The damage is done. I feel bad. I go back to my room where I see Aunt Naomi has rearranged all my furniture and the bedroom is now like an alcove connected with the living room. My bed is now like a slide. I crawl up to the flat platform at the top and my water bottle goes sliding down. I am very uncomfortable as I'll slide off and down if I relax at all. I see large windows and a huge space which used to be crowded with furniture. I go into the living room part and see how some of my furniture is intermixed with the living room furniture." }, { "number": "2739", "head": "12/16/94", "content": "I am outdoors and cooking some stew on a burner of a stove. Or my mother is and I go stir it. Clothes are laying all over the stove and I am trying to get them off the burner so they don't catch on fire. Corinne is talking about something. She says, \"Communication sure is hard.\" I agree and say, \"But it's worth working it through.\" Then my mother says, \"Then I suppose I have to tell you (Corinne) what Sue said.\" I can see they are going to have a hard time working through this without getting angry at each other. I try to help out. I then look up in the sky and see my father hang gliding. He does it every day, for his health, like exercise. I lose sight of him and then find him again and wave. Then I see the sky is filled with hang gliders, hundreds of them. Some of them are landing in the huge river in front of the stove." }, { "number": "2740", "head": "12/16/94", "content": "I'm taking a shower with Marshall Peters. Somehow this is working with the clients together. The shower stream of water is very thin and weak. Now I'm showering with Lucy, only instead of us doing it together, we take turns. I lather up with thick globs of shampoo soap. I am dressed, so when I lift up the blouse and rub my tummy, I get the dress wet. in spots. Then I eat something. Then Marshall comes in and talks about his client, who is a mess and does everything wrong and can't keep herself or her house clean. I realize with surprise he's talking about his wife. [BL]" }, { "number": "2741", "head": "12/18/94", "content": "There is a huge warehouse room and inside are screaming, terrorized people being mass murdered by machine gun fire. One of the bad guys, a woman, comes outside, because it is so horrible she can't bear it. She fires one bullet out of her machine gun in the general direction of others like her that are doing the killing. I sense that if she gets stronger, she will be able to defend and stop the mass killing. Some blood seeps out from under the door jamb. An umbrella with a spot of blood comes out and then a young teen woman in a yellow lace and satin knee-length prom dress, wrapped in a plastic bag, comes out. She will suffocate if she can't get out of the bag. Another young woman comes by and tries to untie the knot on the bag saying, \"I'll undo the pie.\" The feeling is one of distance. I don't see the carnage, only small spots of blood and they are in a room. But I know this distant terror is real and could become close and be felt." }, { "number": "2742", "head": "12/18/94", "content": "Derek and I arrive at a house. The meeting will start soon, maybe a dream group meeting. Some of the people are arriving. I can't get my car parked. The gate is locked and I'd have to get out and unlock it. I'm across the other lane of the road where the road curves downhill and a car is coming, so I move the car to a rocky spot. It won't fit. I turn around and someone gets in and I get out. They will park the car. Now I go in. Derek arrives and comes in. We greet each other with a kiss and quickly we are passionately kissing and want to find a place to be alone to make love. We go to several different rooms and find a bedroom. We make love. I hold his head in my hands. It is a small head. I can't see his face well. He is feeling only down to his chest. As we wriggle around he groans in pleasure with pain. I ask, \"Am I hurting you?\" He says, \"Yes, but it is OK,\" as it also is the orgasm. We desperately want each other." }, { "number": "2743", "head": "12/18/94", "content": "Derek and I are going to make love. A young girl, maybe Charla, is there. I'm sending her off to her room. I need to go pee. I ask him, \"My place or yours?\" He says, \"Your place.\" I go find a toilet and pee a lot. Then this bathroom connects to my bedroom. I go in just as he is opening the door to the bedroom from the hall. He is standing, wearing a tank top and some leotard-like, flesh-colored outfit, like he's naked, only he's not. His legs don't move, and in fact I don't see legs. He's sort of stiff. We make love passionately. Now I go out and see Derek in a car. There are five cop cars in a line and his car is right behind them, a perfectly safe place to be. Another man is in the backseat of Derek's car and he opens the door and invites me in. I get in, happy to be alone with Derek. I curl up with the other man who says it's OK to press back against him if it's more comfortable. Derek gets out to rearrange himself and his assistant helps him back into the car. We are going to be together and that makes me happy. [BL]" }, { "number": "2744", "head": "12/19/94", "content": "A small \"grandma\" mouse is in danger. A snake is coming toward her and will swallow her whole. I am concerned and squeamish. Then the snake thinks to itself, \"I'll try a different approach. I'll go slow and hypnotize her and then pounce.\" He moves slowly toward her, head on. She watches. I want to call out, \"Run. Run.\" Then the snake goes inside her mouth, instead of swallowing her. She has the opportunity to save herself by biting off the snake's head. I am squeamish because I don't want to watch or hear it, but she doesn't do it. Her mouth is a huge \"O\" shape as the snake puts his head inside." }, { "number": "2745", "head": "12/19/94", "content": "Five live rats are being held in a bunch by their tails by a woman. It's sort of medicine for the little girl. I am squeamish." }, { "number": "2746", "head": "12/19/94", "content": "Storm Kennedy and I are looking at a pile of photos and magazine pictures I've collected. We go into another room. A man is there and I park my wheelchair next to him. He is going to explain some financial matter to me. He asks if I have any popcorn and I say, \"Yes, I do.\" I go to the counter across the room where there are many, many small drawers, like in a kitchen. I look in each drawer and discover I'm out of the microwave popcorn packages. I see a few piles of spilled popcorn seeds, but it would be too much work to pop them the old-fashioned way. In another drawer are more magazine pictures and photos. I pick up a sort of radio earphone thing, but it's not what I thought it was. It was supposed to be a \" _____ticket\"." }, { "number": "2747", "head": "12/20/94", "content": "The children, maybe five or seven of them, are being noisy and interrupting and I can't do my writing. I am angry and slam the door to keep them out of my writing room. They pound on the door and yell and I am furious. All I want is some peace and quiet so I can write. I push things off my desk and grab a typewriter and begin to furiously type anything that comes to mind. A pretty good story gets done. I determinedly finish it, ignoring as best I can the unruly children. Now I go out into the living room. It's a mess, with furniture moved all around, stuff all over. I go out to the mailbox on the porch and get the mail. As I am looking at what came, I see maybe five vans or station wagons pull up. The kids are back home. One vehicle is for Dovre, one for Ellie and her family and so on. I am surprised there are so many. I see that the clothes I had ordered for Howard's Christmas present have come in the mail. Now I call to the kids to come into the house NOW. I am angry and demand they come. They saunter in, being insolent and rude. I slap some on the face repeatedly. I yell at them. I make them all sit on the couch and I rail into them. I say, \"Things are going to change around here.\" I know 50% of this is my fault and 50% is their fault. I hear me thinking (for them) that if there are five of them and 50% is their total fault, then only ___% is each individual's share of the fault. I sneer and say, \"Let's get on with the important stuff.\" One goes to the fridge in the kitchen. I lunge after him screaming, \"Get back here NOW.\" Two little ones wander off the couch and I say, \"Out. Get out and never come back.\" They finally leave. I feel a little sad, but determined to gain control and not be taken so advantaged of. \"Things are going to be different from now on,\" I say and begin to lay down the rules. They continue to snipe and not pay attention." }, { "number": "2748", "head": "12/21/94", "content": "Derek brings me into his bedroom. I look around to see everything so I can get a sense of him. I see two wall phones, and in black marker ink Derek has written some things like, \"I feel....\" It is all about how wonderful he feels when he is talking to me on the phone. I see his bed. I notice where the pillow is and go near that end to see what he sees when he's there. I see he has arranged dried flowers, colorful ones, lots of red, and a mirror and pretty things like driftwood and so on. I like the pleasant feeling it gives. I see a night table and see the answering machine and am pleased that he can hear me when I leave a message late at night and he is in bed. Now his attendants are there to help him get in bed. A man is working his catheter, four women are on a couch, two other women on the floor to my left. I am standing there, not knowing what to do. Derek is talking to me. He is gruff, distant and angry and he is also telling me to get in bed with him. I sit on the edge of the bed next to him as he turns himself to lay on his belly. I see rough, raw, red skin near his ankles and a flat wrinkled butt. He turns and looks at me, waiting. I take off my shoes and peel off my socks saying, \"I hope you don't mind my cold feet.\" He laughs angrily and says, \"You have so many layers of fear up here (he touches my forehead brusquely) and I am naked in a bed with you and you're worried about me not liking your cold feet?\" He snorts derisively and lays back. He's now on his back. He says, looking at me coldly, \"Now is the time to find out if this works, before it's gone too far and it's too late.\" I sigh and say, trying to kiss him on the mouth, but he pulls sharply back from my kiss, \"I'd rather take the test and fail then not take the test at all.\" I curl up around his chest and try to kiss his cheek. He pulls back coldly. His hair is nearly shaved off, he is skinny. I tentatively kiss him several times more and keep talking. I say, \"You talk about me. You have five heavy cement walls, two moats with dragons in them, dungeons and two alien spaceships guarding the fort.\" He smiles and returns a sweet kiss. He is lightening up. He says, \"What's your middle name, honey?\" I say, \"Jane. My name is B. Jane. Darryl used to call me Barbie Jane.\" I say, \"What's your middle name. Oh, no, I know it already, don't I? It's---it's Dwayne.\" Now he turns his head to kiss my breast and I am sexually warm all over, even though I am still dressed in bra and panties. Now the interruptions come. Charla is there and bouncy and full of energy. Some friends drop by and talk. Charla goes out of the room and down the hall to ask a man a question. I get up and try to call her back. She comes back and Derek asks her what size she is, period. She says, \"Over 24 inches.\" I laugh and laugh because she has figured out why he asked the question and knew the right answer. \"You have to be over 24 inches to be able to ride the amusement rides.\" Derek calls someone, a woman named Jean, an attendant, to come and he pays her to take Charla to the amusement park. I notice water is spilled on the wall and go over to wash it off. Derek and I are talking back and forth, like couples do, making inside jokes and comments meant only for each other's ears. Now three different people come in, a secretary, a man and another woman helper. The man says, \"Oh, it sure is busy here now and I can see I have to defer to the head Mother,\" meaning the secretary. He goes and the secretary says she got a call from Guns and Roses and they want him to do a conference at their concert in North Carolina, but he is scheduled that weekend at San Francisco. He says happily, \"Cancel San Francisco and make the date.\" Now he says to me, \"I'm going upstairs now.\" I hesitate, not knowing if I should stay here or go with him. He smiles and says, \"Bet I'll get there before you do.\" I say, \"I'll take the elevator.\" I am walking and I push my power chair to the elevator and get in. A woman in there has to help me pull up the chair over the tall first step into the elevator. Now we are upstairs and I decide to call Sebastian Fox, a friend of mine, because I saw on the Guns and Roses poster he's the warm-up band. I get him on the phone and he says, \"Sebastian and Carol.\" I wonder for a moment if I'd accidentally called my cousin Sebastian. I ask him if he remembers me. He says, \"Sure,\" and I ask about if he's booked for the concert in North Carolina. He says, \"We may be, depends which concert they get assigned to.\" I say, \"A friend of mine is going. He'll probably be at the smallest concert because his stuff is about disability.\" I hear Derek off in the distance saying, \"...And what do you feel about that?\" I say, \"It's a shame because he's really good and very funny too.\" I say, \"You know I've been thinking I'd do conferences on dream work.\" I want Derek to hear that because it would be great if he and I did those conferences together and traveled and worked together. The feeling I get from Derek is warm and positive and responsive." }, { "number": "2749", "head": "12/22/94", "content": "I have written a book. I am looking at it and notice that I've tried to sketch a few illustrations. As I turn the pages, I notice that the illustrations get better and better with more detail. I think, \"I'd like to show this to Derek, so he'd see I tried to do art work too.\" Then, I see the book is larger and the illustrations are in color and they are very detailed. I wonder if I had done these; probably not, since they are so good. I can't do this well. The first pictures were pencil sketches of hands, somewhat crooked fingers, like mine many years ago. I think, \"That's interesting they are like mine,\" and then I think, \"But, of course, they are. People create art like themselves.\" One picture is over two pages, a skeleton in the sand on a desert island. The next page is his skull. Then there are missiles with smaller missiles coming out of them, four pictures in a vertical row showing the smaller missile coming out. \"Looks phallic,\" I think. I examine the picture closely, thinking, \"Naw, there's no way I could have done this one. Maybe I did a collage, but it is obviously not a collage.\" Now I close the book and look over to Howard, who is in a narrow bed. Under the bed are piles of my clothes. I see a huge ant who picked up a crumb or a maggot and is lugging it over to the clothes to eat it. I am fascinated. I look at the bed and think, \"If you put a box over it, a person could set it up so you'd have everything you'd need there. A great bed for an invalid.\" It looked a bit like a coffin. Now a little girl comes in. I'd heard her in the bathroom throwing up. She is crying. I say, \"Not feeling good, huh?\" I feel a bit guilty for not having gone to help her. Then she looks distraught and I see she's having diarrhea. I say, \"Oh, it looks like you've got the stomach flu. Go on into the bathroom. It's all right.\" She has left little piles of shit like chili con carne on the floor. I follow her in to help clean her up, only now I see the toilet is overflowing. Water is all over. She's crying. I yell down the hall to my father, \"Hey the toilet is overflowing. Come help get the water cleaned up.\" He comes out to help. The girl is mopping up water with towels. It's a mess." }, { "number": "2750", "head": "12/22/94", "content": "Sparky wants to plug in a string of Christmas lights that have a short circuit in them, or rather the switch in the wall does. The lights go on and off. I suggest she try another switch or plug in. Kenneth comes in dressed in a graduation gown, a witch's hat and funky platform-heeled shoes. Sparky is a bit taken aback. I say, \"He's like that,\" somewhat proudly. Kenneth grabs the string of lights and says, \"Let's try plugging them in over here.\" I am pleased he has the same thoughts as I do and acts upon them. Now he's hungry and wants to eat. He grabs a hamburger from a buffet bar in the center of the room and another one for Sparky. She says she doesn't want it. So he puts it back and places two sandwiches there. A fat, bald baby is sitting there and she takes a huge bite out of the sandwich. I go to her to stop her from eating Kenneth's food. Her mouth is overflowing with mayo. She's sliding off the high chair. I have a bag in my left hand and am trying to keep her from falling off the chair and keep feeding her too. I wonder why I didn't think to put down the bag so I could use both hands. Then a man is laying on the floor. His face is pudgy and bald like the baby's. He says he's joined the Marines. I say, teasing, \"They only want a few good men,\" and he and I say together, \"but if you're not a good man, they'll make your life hell.\" We laugh. [BL]" }, { "number": "2751", "head": "12/31/94", "content": "I am auditioning for a play. I am the only woman trying out for the \"Alice\" role. Four men are there to try out. One is skinny, one is short, one is very tall, like 7 feet, 5 inches. When he comes out on stage (I am in center stage as these men come out and they then go sit on a bench behind me), the director teases him about his height. I gently admonish the director not to make fun of people who are different. I figure this audition will be pretty easy, since I'm the only woman trying out. I'm given a fat script held together by paper clips. Now other women come out and it's not so cinchy any more. I'm told to read the part of Ana. I look for where she comes in. Three other women are on stage doing parts and I am now concerned and struggling to find the place they are at in the script so I know when to enter. The more I try to find the place, the more messed up the pages get. Now the script is in two or three major chunks. I hear them say, \"Ana.\" I know they are waiting for me to enter. I come out and say to the director, \"I can't find the right page. I think it's missing in the script.\" I go to the front of the stage. It is very high up from the auditorium floor. The stage is slippery and I'm in socks. I can barely keep myself from sliding right off the edge and falling. The director is very distant, way down there, and he's annoyed. He's also concerned that if my script is messed up, maybe others are too. I feel guilty because I know it's my fault I can't find the page, not that it is missing, but I don't say anything. I have to grasp the curtains (a flannel or felt material -- one yellow, the other another color, perhaps blue or green) in order to stop myself from falling off the stage. The director gives me an 800 number I can call to get another script and dismisses me. I go back to try again to find the missing page, because if I go call the number, it will take too long and I'll lose out. The director has lost interest in me." }, { "number": "2752", "head": "01/03/95", "content": "Something about sexual abuse, and Derek was there also in the background." }, { "number": "2753", "head": "01/03/95", "content": "I live in a house. Katrina and Derek are there to visit. I give them a tour. I live in the older part, which is equivalent to a 2-bedroom small house. The back bedroom was a remodeled add-on. Derek says, \"There's one bedroom that isn't being used.\" I say, \"Not only that, but there is more to this house. I like it better. It's bigger and the rooms are more interesting.\" I go down the hall and pass through two kitchens, each one fully equipped. The one in the hall has two refrigerators. I open the French-doors with glass squares to the spacious living room. There are big windows on the far wall, very nice. We look in. It is fairly empty. I wonder why I don't live here, and not in the small older square room I currently live in. I go on down the hall and show a bedroom, and at the end of the hall is a double connecting door. I try it to make sure and the inner door is locked, meaning the other side of this house is occupied with other people. I remember that last year I lived for a while in this side and had a hospital bed in the bedroom. I can't remember why I moved back to the older part. Now I want to go into the spacious living room and show Derek. We go in. I notice a hilly knoll of grass that needs to be tended to on the floor. I see two fireplaces and a kerosene heater, and a small electric heater. I see bookshelves on the wall, only it is all covered with knickknacks and clocks. Derek says, \"You've got some really weird stuff in here.\" I say, \"It's not mine.\" I look around. Lots of the clocks have seashells on them for decoration. One clock has two small secondhand circles. The hands are going around very fast. Derek asks me if I ever go to the coast to write. I say yes, I'd been to N City. He asks if I liked it. I say yes. I keep looking around and see a lawyer's glassed bookcase with weird knickknacks and wine bottles in it. I want the case, but not what's in it. Now we go to the bedroom and look around. A woman is there. Paulina at about 5 or 6 years is there. Derek and I had left our wheelchairs in the hall. He walked with a limp and a cane. I got back into my chair so he wouldn't feel bad. Now see Derek is seated in the wicker chair at a small wicker dining table. I choose to remain in my wheelchair and bump the table several times. I know it would be more comfortable if I transferred also, but I stubbornly don't. Paulina and I are talking about last year. We're playing a card game. (I wake up for a few moments and go right back into the dream. I am aware that I've dreamt this house before.) Now Derek and I are in another room and Paulina mentions a bunny. \"Oh,\" says Derek, \"I want to see the bunnies.\" I sit where I am and Derek goes into another part of the store and returns with a towel. He puts it in my lap. I know by this that he's decided he wants a bunny. He goes back to pick out one. I say, after he's out of the room, \"I want to help choose. Paulina had a bunny last year. I want one of the round cute fuzzy ones.\" He goes upstairs and comes back with a flat kind of bunny. Now I have a lap full of six baby bunnies and a mother bunny, maybe the one from last year comes in and nests with them, like a mama bird. Another white one comes in. I pet it and it meows. I am surprised it is a cat and still wants to nurture the baby bunnies." }, { "number": "2754", "head": "01/05/95", "content": "A deaf female teacher/star is being sued by her husband over the lyrics of her song. The school board makes a ruling. She and the husband drive to the school to get the decision. A hired man (agent or something) is driving the car. There is a circle cul-de-sac and on the curb is the board, who are playing a tape of the song. This somehow is an embarrassment to the woman singer and she's pissed. So as they drive around the circle, she says to the driver, \"Do it,\" meaning speed up the car, drive it up over the curb and over the lawn and through a sculpture; destructive. The driver pleads with her not to order him to do this. He says, \"Please. I'm asking. I'm begging you. I'm demanding. I'm refusing.\" She stiffly and angrily orders him to do it. Against his own wishes, he then starts to obey her. Some woman (perhaps me) in the back seat reaches over and grabs the wheel and they fight as the woman tries to force them to not hit the sculpture. They crash and someone, the driver or the woman, is now walking alongside the singer, screaming at her angrily! \"Damn it! You could be the most kind, helpful, loving person in the world with all the gifts you have and you choose to be destructive and mean. Why? Why do you do this?\" She won't listen. She's too haughty and angry." }, { "number": "2755", "head": "01/05/95", "content": "The boys go into my parent's house, which is very like the one they were in, in E City. Now a sister and mother are sort of like robots, with earrings that light up. They see the boys and the boys say to the mother, \"Fuck off. just shut up.\" The women are surprised and, in fact, let them go." }, { "number": "2756", "head": "01/06/95", "content": "Irv is taking a class I'm teaching for people with disabilities. He's kind of a helper, not a student. We are going to help the students plan and make a bicycle. I suggest we hire Irv as a guest speaker. He can do this well. It's a good idea." }, { "number": "2757", "head": "01/08/95", "content": "I am in bed reading an article about the bus driver's getting a raise. A woman is interviewed. She'd gotten her raise just an hour ago. There's like a puzzle in the paper to fill out, the name of the driver, married or not, etc. I am trying to guess her name and write \"Christina.\" Another name was a man's name and also ended in an \"a.\" All of them did. In the interview, which I see happening, the woman driver says \"I'm a family person. This raise gives me insurance for my husband and so on. Some people think it's frivolous to...\" Then suddenly I'm aware there is a man in my bedroom. I am startled. He talks softly, but I am worried. There had been snipings lately and he'd somehow entered even though I'd locked the door. I remain calm. He chats about the bus driver's raise. I get up and try to encourage him to leave, pretending to be interested in the conversation. He goes toward the door, but then sits at the dinette table by the window by the door. He's gotten a cup of coffee. \"It's too hot,\" he says. I realize he made it himself and the coffee machine is still on. I find that ominous. I humor him. He's scaringly calm and friendly. Finally he gets up and goes out, still chatting. As he goes toward the apartment stairwell, I shut the door, then reopen it to hook the lock on the screen door. He laughs and says, \"Now why would you lock the door like that now? It wasn't locked before. I nervously say, \"Oh, you can't be too careful.\" I notice the hook and eye are not properly attached and it will be of no help. I push the lock button on the door knob and shut the door. I think to myself, \"He looks just like Robert Dinero. I rush to the phone to call the police. I am afraid." }, { "number": "2758", "head": "01/08/95", "content": "I am in bed asleep. Nate comes in. He wants to make love, so he starts his charming patter. He kisses me and I say, \"Ummmm.\" He says, \"What does a woman mean when she says \"ummmm,\" and I lie and say, \"It means, 'Oh, how interesting,'\" but what it really means is \"God that feels good. I want it.\" I ask him to leave. I get up. He follows me and holds me close. He puts his penis in as we are standing. I say, \"No, not here, someone could walk by and see.\" We are in front of the open screen door (same place as first dream). So we're walking around clinging and he's kissing me. We go into another bedroom and start to lay down on the floor. I'm sitting on him. Then a young crazy man comes in and stands near us. He's talking to himself and has papers and shirts and they fall on the floor. Nate and I ask him to leave. He mumbles incoherently as he tries to gather up his stuff. Nate and I sit there, still coupled sexually, waiting. I help the young man hang up a shirt (white office work shirt) on a wire hanger. The hook is crooked. He hangs it up in his mouth, stretching his mouth out very wide. We uncouple and stand up, trying to herd the young man out. He asks if he can keep something. We get him to the porch. Now he and Nate have words and start to fist fight. I say, \"Don't please.\" A woman comes up, a homeless woman looking for the ame place the young man was looking for. It is obviously the wrong address. There's a Styrofoam cooler with something rotten in it, and the man wants to know if he can have some. I say \"Yes.\" He takes some. Now I see there is some strange metal ramp enclosed thing on the porch screwed into the railing. I see an elaborate (articulated sections) iron lung gadget next to it. The young man starts tinkering with the iron lung thing. I say, \"It will get broken.\" Nate says, \"Whose is it?\" I say, \"The government wanted to keep it here for awhile. I'm responsible.\" Nate says, \"Did you agree to watch over it?\" I said, \"No.\" Then, he says, \"You aren't responsible.\" I notice I am trying to unscrew the other thing and stop that. I would like these things gone, but somehow they'd been foisted on to me. So as Nate and I are watching, the man dismantles parts of the iron lung thing. I'm wishing that they'd go away so I could finish making love to Nate. Nate says, \"Well, hope they hurry because I'm getting married tomorrow.\" I say, \"What did you say?\" He realizes he's blown it. He makes something else up and I say, \"No, you said getting married tomorrow.\" I swing open the screen door. He looks at me like a naughty boy and steps out. \"Sure you won't change your mind,\" he wheedles. I say sadly, \"No.\" I really would like to make love to him but, oh, well. He blew it." }, { "number": "2759", "head": "01/08/95", "content": "I am a feisty old woman and my daughter is trying to run my life. I meet an old man and we are going out on a date. My grown grandchildren are watching, feeling happy for us. My daughter is sour and disapproving. I am like a pixie, choosing a video from a stack of them and deliberately misplacing them, mixing things up. Now we sneak out for the date and come back two weeks later. I say to my daughter, \"We got married.\" She is shocked and then I laugh and say, \"And then we got unmarried.\" It's like we got married to distress her and then got unmarried to be more naturally who we are. [BL]" }, { "number": "2760", "head": "01/08/95", "content": "I'm pumping iron and decide to up the weights to 50 pounds. I hold in each hand a huge, thick weight. It is almost too much. It is difficult to do curl-ups and then I notice I am making it to 20 or so reps, which is impressive. I am slim and fit-looking in my spandex leotard outfit. I try to go down a flight of stairs with the weights in my hand and nearly fall down the stairs as my balance is not used to the added weight." }, { "number": "2761", "head": "01/13/95", "content": "I've moved into a place. I notice that we only brought the furniture this time and the move is much easier because I left behind all those boxes of papers and my writings. Dwight and I are talking about what we're going to be. I say, \"I wanted to be an artist and I wanted to be a writer but it's not going to happen. I used to be a counselor and a teacher but I can't do that anymore because of my arthritis,\" (and I feel a bit guilty about that because I know that's not completely true). I feel like I'm drifting. I don't know what I want to do. Dwight is hungry and opens up a cupboard where I'd cooked left-over lunch, taco pizza. It looks pretty gross, but he eats it anyway. Now, I'm trying to run a writer's group, with Aunt Elaine and some young cousins, maybe Uncle Lionel. I can't get them to get settled down. They wander around and giggle and talk and interrupt and leave and come back. Finally in exasperation I say, \"This is like teaching kindergarten kids!\" They are sympathetic and try to come to order. Suddenly, I see a huge plastic air-filled duck drop down, like in Mace's parade balloon. It falls into the hedge near the windowed wall. I am amazed and go over, thinking suddenly, \"Maybe there's someone in it. Maybe it's an alien from outer space.\" I get closer and see that there is something in it, eight babies. I say, \"Someone call 911 and get the police...no, the medical people first, to take a look at those babies!\" Someone goes to call. We wait and wait. It's taking them far too long and we get suspicious they've sent for the military. I say, \"There's no way I'll let the military guys come in here first without making sure the babies are all right.\" A man now comes in a navy uniform, only it's a captain of the work crew that's been building the submarine complex out in the bay or ocean right outside the windows. Someone had called him about the duck, Murphy Salvage, or something. I explain we're first waiting for the hospital people. I put in another call. They are cold, distant and confused. Now I'm alarmed they are up to something. The Captain pulls me aside to talk. I say to him, \"Too bad your sub isn't ready yet,\" because I know he's just recently sent up a work crew to rest or something and it was empty. He says, \"Well, it is working, technically. A few men are down there. It's almost ready for its shake-down cruise.\" I look at him, wondering if we could hide down there. He then smiles at me and begins to say something like, \"I've always liked you but somebody had to do or say something to let the other know they're interested.\" I look at him surprised. He then leaps off the table he's sitting on and gently but insistently pushes me up against the windowed wall, where outside the waters are churning turbulently. He kisses me. I am aware that it's an OK kiss but not really exciting and he's OK looking but not all that handsome. I think, \"He has tufts of hair in his ears and a bit of a paunchy belly.\" After the kiss, I say to him, \"Well, I never even thought of this as a possibility before.\" I pause as he waits, thinking over my feelings, and then I say, \"I'm willing to 'work at' the possibility and see what happens.\" (I use an academic word that starts with \"A\" for \"work at.\") He is very happy. He has a chance. We are all going to hide the duck on his sub and he will court me in those rough waters." }, { "number": "2762", "head": "01/14/95", "content": "I am marrying a man. We are sweet on each other. His mom finds out and is very jealous and pushes me away. She doesn't want me near her boy. I watch, as the story unfolds that for years she's been abusing him in horrible, torturing ways, handcuffing him to the wrong place on a trailer and then driving, him being drug on the dirt road, the wheels just barely missing running over him. He cries and begs for her to stop, but she just laughs crazy like Sybil's mom. Finally, the pain of being drug is so bad he tries to get himself situated so that when the handcuffs release, he's in the path of the wheels and he'd be run over, killed, and put out of his misery. I feel painful empathy for him. Now she's in a house telling him to get ready for bed, she's got his medicine ready for him. She goes into the bathroom and pees and has a bowel movement into the water and then she's going to put it in his medicine. I am repulsed by what I see. She sees me watching and screams at me to get out. \"Get out.\" Now there's a dad too, a retired military man who works at a boy's school. (He describes how careful you have to be and not be in the bathroom with a boy alone.) He's usually gone, but occasionally comes home and has violent sex with her and with a woman friend of mine. The dad and mom love/hate each other very much. He has some white cream in a tube he puts in her vagina or on his penis. He wants her to eat some. She refuses. I take a small bit into my mouth, like being nice and helping him to feel better and not rejected. My woman friend also takes a taste on her tongue. Then he says, quite chattily, that he's had syphilis for 20 years. He starts to describe the symptoms. I am sick and ask permission, \"If you don't mind, I'd like to rinse out my mouth.\" I try to rinse and spit to get it all out. It's a bit foamy now like shaving cream. I hope I got it all out before I swallowed any so I don't get diseased. Now some fat secretary woman is describing how he'd lock her in the bathroom, her in her black slip, and take a whip. (He'd be in full military uniform. I'm amazed because I thought he was just a psycho security guard or something, but it's a real military uniform.) \"He cracks a mean whip,\" says the woman, \"and it really hurts.\" I feel the pain on my butt in sympathy of her real pain. I flinch. This is a sick and crazy man. Then he insists I make love to him and twists my nipples to stimulate me. I feel sexual excitement and do it." }, { "number": "2763", "head": "01/14/95", "content": "Derek is painting pictures of mountains. I am trying to paint one too. I have my palette and see a sort of yellowish color up in the right hand corner, an odd color for the sky. Derek starts to dabble in my colors and I ask him not to. I then awkwardly attempt to paint. I draw a steep-peaked mountain and remember what my father said about how mountains aren't really that steep. I redraw it in softer curves. I discover how leaving some portions of the canvas blank and using that whiteness as a part of the picture enhances the picture. I create many different mountain ranges with some kind of building structure in the left corner foreground. It's pretty good. [BL]" }, { "number": "2764", "head": "01/14/95", "content": "I go to a dating service and see the video of a man named Jim. I am very attracted to him and know that he's the one I want. I make a video of me. I say, \"This is what I look like. You can see I'm in a chair, and older and plump.\" Then I squirrel around in my wheelchair, showing him my energy and personality. I hope he'll accept me. He does, and we set up a first date. I am excited and a little scared. I know this is so right, I am looking forward to it. He comes to my hotel/apartment. I meet him in the lobby wearing a yellow satin prom dress kind of thing. It is awkward and OK." }, { "number": "2765", "head": "01/15/95", "content": "I am driving a car and am following a truck. I see that it is a flatbed truck and a couple of horses are on it. And as I watch, the horses have loosened themselves from their stalls and are slowly drifting or sliding over to the back edge. They are going to fall off and hit the road and I'll be killed and so will they. I slam on my brakes to get some distance between the upcoming accident and me. As a result, an eight-car collision occurs. Now we are stopped, and on the side of the road. I am dazed. I look into the rear view mirror and see the cars all smooshed up, fender to fender. Everyone seems unhurt but angry. One of them marches up to my driver's side door, which is open, and starts to lecture me on being more careful. I am furious and tell him off, explaining that I probably saved our lives by doing it this way. Now another man comes up and asks me if I'm all right. He's very friendly and seems gentle and on my side. I suddenly get suspicious as he gets into the passenger side, that he is a doctor. He agrees. He is a doctor. That pisses me off because I hate it when some one is kind and caring because it's their profession or it is in general for everybody. I want that to be for me. He is suggesting we drive to the hospital. I ask if they (the police) are done with us, and then I am driving away, assuming that they are. I am flirting gently with the doctor. We drive to his house. He is married and has kids and yet it is clear he likes me very much. He says, \"Can you manage to go over there?\" \"Where?\" I ask. \"To the barn.\" I go there, wondering what this is all about, and trusting it. He has a one-horse sleigh and we're going to take a ride. It is sweet and romantic. He helps me in and wraps a warm black fur blanket around me tightly, like you'd tuck in a blanket around a baby. I smile and then get worried he's pinning me down, my arms, and I'll be taken advantage of. But I calm down and trust him. He shows me there really is a horse in the barn, meaning we'll really go for a ride. I ask how we can do that with no snow on the ground, and he says it has special wheels on the skids. Now his teen boys come in and are very curious about who I am and why I'm here. They seem to understand that their father loves me and it's OK with them because they want their father to be happy. It is gentle and soft." }, { "number": "2766", "head": "01/17/95", "content": "I am watching a young man who was a star athlete in high school. He's graduated now and doesn't know what to do. He's a nobody now. So he returns to high school to hang out and becomes a delinquent. He plays mean tricks on people and is insolent. A woman teacher (dark hair) is walking down the sidewalk. It's lunch break. The boy says to his cohort, \"Hey, I'll pay you 75 cents to moon her with me.\" The other boy says, \"Nah.\" The boy takes a pair of scissors and snips off a bit of his hair. He says, \"OK, then a buck.\" \"Nah,\" says the other boy as he snips off another bit of hair. The other boy says, \"For 1.50, I'll do it.\" The boy is upset it is so much. He must be losing his control, but he agrees. So as the teacher walks past them, they pull down their pants. Her first initial automatic response is to gasp and get angry and righteous, but she realizes this is exactly what they want and so she just says, \"Huh,\" like she's bored and walks on. She's quite please she figured out how to let the air out of their balloons! She is very upset and thinking hard, because she's on probation. She has stood up to a student (male) and people are upset with her. It isn't fair. As she walks, she sees an orange and white cat who she wants to pet. She stoops down to pet it and it loves being petted, laying down on it's side and purring as the teacher strokes its soft and sometimes matted fur. Suddenly she looks at her watch. It's 1 o'clock; she's late. She turns back and walks toward the school. She notices the houses on the left. One is a single room, empty, pretty, but too small. It has a step, but on the side is a ramp. \"Good,\" thinks the teacher. The houses are older and nice. She now either recalls or receives a phone call from the mother of the male student who she stood up to. The mother is nasty and mean. She is saying that the teacher just isn't understanding enough. She misunderstood the student's intentions. Did he speak to you in a mean way? She sneers like that is going to prove the teacher wrong. The teacher tells her it's the mother's fault and this annoys the mother very much. She makes a sarcastic remark, thinking she has proven her point that she is right and the teacher is wrong and hangs up. She leaves her room as her husband is entering it. The husband says, \"How are you?\" She grumps, \"Yep,\" well satisfied with herself. The husband shrugs and ignores her. Now the teacher is nearly to the school and decides to go in the side door and hopefully avoid the main office. She hopes that there was a fire drill so her lateness will not be noticed. She sees that along the wall of the high school are displays of different breakfast cereals: Wheaties, Cheerios, Men's____ (like study group) and on the left side of the sidewalk is a stack of cereals called \"Misjudgments. 50 ways to count.\"" }, { "number": "2767", "head": "01/17/95", "content": "I am vacationing on Hawaii. I look forward to the beauty. but things keep going wrong: the wrong bus, we get stalled, we can't find the place. I discover it's just a tourist trap. Finally I leave and then decide to return, thinking I can find some small corner near the beach where I can enjoy the ocean and surf and beach. I know I made the wrong decision, but I do it anyway. I find a rundown neighborhood. The tourist fancy buildings are off on the horizon, but I can't find the ocean." }, { "number": "2768", "head": "01/20/95", "content": "I am being encouraged to go to a river and cross the bridge so I can get a good look at the river. I come to the river's edge and look down. It is full of brown water and strong currents. I don't want to cross the bridge and look at the river. I see cars driving in the river and wonder how they can breathe in there, because the car looks like it is under the water. I look more closely and see the water is only up to their necks. Close enough, I think. I decide to go away from the river. I am going against traffic. It is hard and slow. I round a corner and see a glimpse of the ocean where the river runs into it. The waves are huge and white and foamy as they crash against the rocks. I want to go down on the beach. A man also wants to go there and we sort of go together. Now we are on the beach. We pass a room where it's a sort of a glassed-in museum and a 95-year-old grandma is inside telling the visitors whatever they want to know about the things in there. I am curious and sign up for my turn to go in. Now I have my girls and a young college age girl as part of my party to go in and see the woman. The man and I are friends now. As we wait, the woman, now an older spiritual guru type woman, comes in flustered and says somewhat shortly at her male partner/business manager/lover, \"You're not sending in the right kind. I want only the ones that are willing to work.\" I feel a bit concerned. I sort of want to work and yet I am not completely trusting that she isn't just some fake guru and will lead me astray, and I'll be sincerely working only down the wrong path. Now she's ready for us and he calls us to come quickly for our time with her. I call out to the girls who are scattered by now. The man and I go sit down on the floor right in front of the couch barrier in front of her. I accidentally knock off a few unset gems (jewels) that were scattered across the top of the couch-like barrier as I try to get down on the floor. Now the man and I cuddle, my back into his front as I lean back into his comforting presence. She won't work with us until we are relaxed, deeply asleep and open. I am almost there, I am warmly asleep and yet I am fighting it. I don't know how to get to that feeling place I have to get to for her to do her work. The harder I try, the more awake I become. Now the session is over and we stumble back out to the beach, sleepy and yet we need to drive back home. The man and I will share driving one car and the girls will share driving another. We'll take turns when the other gets sleepy. The college student girl is concerned. She needs more information, but the woman is gone now. I say, \"Well, we have her business card. Here's her phone number, but I think it will probably not work because she probably lives way out in the coast range and will be inaccessible to us.\" I try to encourage the girl to let go of needing the answer and come home to rest." }, { "number": "2769", "head": "01/21/95", "content": "Robert Redford has been out drinking. He comes in late at night and I am already in the hide-a-bed. I am not asleep, but pretend to be. He stumbles in and decides to lay down by me on the bed. He is married, but we are attracted to each other. He lays down across my belly, mumbling to himself. I feel him begin to have an erection. He is sexually excited about being close to me. He is upset with himself for feeling this. \"Damn,\" he mumbles. \"Usually, when this happens, I dance. But maybe she doesn't want me to dance. I don't have any idea. I don't have any idea. I don't have any idea.\" He is whispering to himself and then he curls up around me and gently, softly kisses my shoulder, chest area. Then he begins to gently kiss the chin bone and jaw, moving up to the lips, and I am consumed with a raging, pleasurable sexual desire. I wake up startled, like I'd somehow bailed out too soon, out of automatic response." }, { "number": "2770", "content": "(01/21/95)[I go back to sleep quickly and fall into the same dream,] only now, my mother is there asking me how come I didn't make love to him. He's so adorable, sweet and handsome, irresistible. I say somewhat stuffily, \"That it was against my principles because he is a married man.\"" }, { "number": "2771", "head": "01/21/95", "content": "I am in a car with a mentally retarded man. He is driving. I feel wild and spontaneous and I dare him to drive across the Golden Gate bridge. He does and the more dangerous he gets in his nonawareness, the more I like it. I encourage it. We go across lanes, spin around doing 360's and so on. Later, I order him around telling him to go get the car. He finds it where he crashed it in a field, and sees a round, gashed-out dent in the rear fender area. He opens the door and sees a young preteen girl who is cute, with long bushy hair. She is the woman's younger self. She's not so wild, simply alert and open and fun-loving, a healthier version. I then see the puppy of the dog that goes with the woman, also innocent, frisky and cute. Now the teen woman decides to go steady with the mentally retarded man. The ritual is to get a special going steady kit which is used to clasp the 2-inch wide band of yellow plastic webbing around the wrist. After it is fastened, her mom comes out and is very concerned, not asking directly, for fear of riling up the teen woman, but still worried she's making a mistake." }, { "number": "2772", "head": "01/21/95", "content": "I am in a house like the M City house. I've decided to do a Shakespeare play and Ellie is going to direct it. We are going over the script. I say that already many excellent actors are letting me know they're interested in being in it. It's going to be a very good play (I had typed I'm going to be a very good play by accident). I see myself seated to Ellie's right watching a rehearsal and getting a great idea for a particular bit of business that will be humorous, a special B touch that leaves my signature on the play. I go over to Ellie giggling, and say, \"I've had a dynamite idea.\" I sense the actors on stage are very curious to see if I, the Mom, will simply override Ellie and make her do my idea, or if indeed Ellie is the REAL director. I think, \"I hope I can let go if she doesn't agree.\" I can't wait to do the play. It will be such fun. Some woman notices (back at the M City house) some of the students' papers from class have drawings on them. I chuckle and say, \"Yes, here I was all excited about reading the script and I asked them to hand in their papers, because I wanted to get out of there in a hurry, and one then says, \"Oh, I have to make a cover,\" and proceeds to draw a cover with crayons. I sigh, and then laugh, and then say, \"I really want to honor that style.\" Then a young woman comes up and talks about how she doesn't understand Shakespeare, or she doesn't know how to write it, and I suggest she draw it." }, { "number": "2773", "head": "01/22/95", "content": "I am living in the old M City House. The recreation room has been remodeled to my bedroom. I am moving things in and organizing the drawers. I look out the open door and see a giant man with no head walking with ponderous steps backwards. I am a bit afraid of him and remind myself to not get in his way. A man now comes to the door and I see that behind him is a huge buffalo. I try to shut and lock the door against him but he forces his way in anyway. I am also a bit afraid of him. He asks if I have any spark plugs. I say, \"No I don't, but I'll ask my father. He's outside. You ask him.\" He goes out. Now, I see my bookcase outside the window with tall large books in it. Dwight then comes in and says he has a room off of my room. I see a door and go look in. My bookcase is in his room. His room is very small. He says it's OK to keep the bookcase in the little corner of his room. The giant man walks by again, only this time he has his head and is attempting to walk forward. Now, a man and a woman are talking. This is supposed to be a meeting I am involved in with another person, but they take over and I'm so tired, I let them. Finally I say, \"Look, let's stop this meeting because you two aren't including us and I'm too tired now to change it.\" I say, \"Let's set a time to meet next.\" The man says, \"No, we can do that later.\" I say \"No, it's easier for me to do it now because we're all here together; otherwise, I'd have to call and recall everybody.\" Now we have to find a calendar. No matter where we look, we can't find one. I open drawers and take out old wallets from long ago, noticing I'd left in small change. I am messing up the organization I'd so recently spent time fixing. There are lots of wallets and no calendar. I am very tired and sleepy and give up." }, { "number": "2774", "head": "01/23/95", "content": "I am on an island and the enemy (Japan) is looking it over to see if anyone is there. I am concerned and tell Ernie and the boys to stay in the shadows and avoid the light. That way, they'll not know we're here and maybe the war won't start. We get in the light anyway, and now we're informed the war will start at noon on Monday. I am trying to get to a safe place. Others are as well. An Asian woman is rushing up the mountainside. Now I'm in a group of people. In fact, I'm at the head of a marching group and I realize I'm in the army. A nasty DI sergeant is harassing me. \"Keep up! Do it right!\" I'm falling a bit behind. I want to be in the lead, but I don't want all this army stuff. \"Turn right,\" he screams. We pause. A presidential flag ceremony is going on. \"Should we go over and honor that?\" \"No,\" he yells. \"It's a decoy. We're needed at the front.\" Now an announcer man with a microphone is going to the edge of the front. He's saying he'll probably be the first one shot in the war. Musicians are racing toward the front for the beginning of the war ceremony. Now there are crowds. The disabled group can't be found. I see the one on the other side getting organized. \"Oh, oh. Where's Ellie and Charla?\" I go looking. The DI finds me and says horrible things. I'm pissed and pull back my fist. I'm about to hit him in the face. He's grinning, \"Yeah. Make my day. Hit me, you putz. Were you just going to hit me? That's assault of an officer...etc.\" I back down because he can make serious trouble for me. I see Mirabelle. She returned early from New Zealand because of the war. We hug. She cries. She's afraid; so am I. I'm frantic to find Ellie and Charla. Then I find them, laying down and waiting. I go to them. I see my black, furry pouch. Thank God. It had been stolen and here it was. I grab up my things and then realize the good credit cards and the driver's license, the money and car keys are gone. We're on the brink of war and I have NO ID, no identity. I scramble around and find Bonnie at a counter. I'm asking how I get my ID copied. I can't be without my ID at this crucial moment. She tells me some things to do." }, { "number": "2775", "head": "01/23/95", "content": "I am in a wheelchair and now have a small Volkswagen bug. I have had the front driver's seat removed and am trying to position my power wheelchair there. Now I want to remodel the chair. Why can't it be compact? New technology in batteries can make that part small and lightweight. It can be like a regular chair with small wheels and a tiny foot pedal thing. I go to a place and try to get them to build it for me. There are problems, but slowly the chair is built." }, { "number": "2776", "head": "01/24/95", "content": "I am in a house in the mountains. I am a comedy writer and I'm helping a man friend of mine be a comedy writer. We are free associating and brainstorming. Now, someone looks out the window and sees a stick of lightning and I wonder if the storm is coming close. It is. I see a thick funnel cloud develop on the ground. The top poofs out powerfully and it's a twister. The man is intrigued. He wants to know more. \"OK,\" says another man, \"but look out.\" The storm maker, a pixie-like man, comes out of the storm. It had traveled over to our hay mow. He offers the comedy writing man, now the father, a ride. He takes it. This is magic time. Off they go on the thunderous, rolling cloud, a muddy brown color. Now I am alone in the house, with a couple of grown sisters and a brother. They are off doing something. I see outside the storm has brought birds and animals made out of ice. An ice turkey buzzard comes into the house. He's mean and tries to peck things. I light a match and try to melt him. It's a very puny effort, but it does force him outside. I see a sweet ice puppy and try to melt it. It likes it. I feel bad about doing it. I go in and then see the tiny baby kitten. One has gone outside. I don't want to go out, but I do to rescue the kitten. It is fat and cute. I get it and run back in the house. The sisters and brother are back and I yell, \"Quick, shut the door!\" I yell that over and over as they are slow and unconcerned. My father is on the phone asking how we are and I'm telling him what's happening. Then we're all back in the house. One sister is an architect, another is some other important professional, and the brother is too. They are working on the problem. The architect asks for a computer file on LaCisine or something, a famous architect. This research might give her enough historical background to solve this problem." }, { "number": "2777", "head": "01/24/95", "content": "I am in a room, perhaps \"my\" room. It is my birthday. Two people sit on the couch. A Reynold-like man is seated on the floor across from me. I am in an easy chair. A woman is at my right. Derek/man is seated in the easy chair with me at my left. I can't really see him. I just sense his closeness. I am shy and afraid to look at him because I love him and he doesn't love me. Reynold puts on one of my hats with silk red flowers on it. He's laughing and looking silly. I smile, the hat starts to break up and a string of those red flowers goes from the hat toward me. It seems symbolic. There is an amazing abundance of those flowers. I am surprised. I only remembered two of them. Derek/man says to me -- I see him how seated a short ways from me on my left -- he says, \"Just now, when I said this, what did you feel?\" I look at him and smile gently and answer truthfully from the heart what I felt. Then I distract myself and pick up a small computer toy game. I idly start to fiddle with it, actually thinking of playing it while I sit here at my birthday party. Then Derek starts softly singing a sweet love song in an Elvis Presley type voice. It is something about I love you, but you don't know it. I feel such love for you, etc. I sigh and am touched and keep my face shyly averted from him because it is too heartbreaking to hear him say those words, knowing they aren't for me. A mentally retarded woman is standing to my right and she is saying something and I turn toward her slightly and listen, not wanting her to interrupt and letting her interrupt. She says she's leaving. I say goodbye. I notice a thick layer of dust on the computer games on the table to my right. He slowly moves around until he is more facing me and so close. I look up and he is in a kissing position. His eyes are filled with love and his voice soft and sexy. He kisses me tenderly and lovingly. I melt into it shyly. I am so happy. He does mean those words for me. Then he whispers, \"But look at the dates! The 9th, the 22nd and now the 26th!!\" (cousin Lenny's birthday, his birthday and our day of falling in love together). He says, \"I've known you for a while, but I just fell in love with you two minutes ago.\" I reach over and kiss him again, being careful to make it a short kiss so he won't think I'm trying to be demanding or sexual. He asks me how I feel right this minute. I say, huskily, \"Good. A minute ago, I felt bad and sad. And in a few minutes I will again. But right this moment, I feel good.\" I am flooded with a rising tide of loving feelings. I am suffused with love and sweetness and tenderness." }, { "number": "2778", "head": "01/29/95", "content": "I am on a committee. A radical malcontent is on the committee and some conservative women. I am helping facilitate, trying to hear and working with and honor both sides. I am getting annoyed at the radical. He's kind of into his anger and not really ready to work through stuff. I am in love with this man. I go visit his place. I'm talking to him about the committee. I am laying on his bed, on top of the blue and white coverlet. Some young woman is there, maybe his daughter. It is innocent and loving. He and I are interested in relationship but are shy and concerned. We are flirting and courting and getting serious. Now it's time for another meeting. the big meeting. I go there; the man is coming a bit later. I get some info out of a drawer, some pictures of athletes as possible evidence. I get to the room; I'm a bit late. They say, \"Oh, here, in here.\" I go in and the table is round and most everyone is already seated. I go around to the other side of the table and find a place to slide in. I'm wearing a dress and sit on the floor. I know that's A MISTAKE. It'll be uncomfortable soon. My man friend comes in and is nervous. He doesn't like committees and meetings, but he's willing to help out. I am seated between a suave, good-looking, vain man and his mother. They are gossiping about women and who he's dated. He sees a name (c:\\sherial) on a car and takes it down. He'll call her,;maybe he already had a night with her, he can't remember. Now it's time for my man friend to start the meeting. He's going to sing and dance. He's wearing a woman's tap dance outfit and silly lipstick and wig. He taps and sings beautifully. He's built like Archie. I am smiling at him and winking encouragement. I think he's terrific. The good-looking man gets jealous and tries to grab me and kiss me. I slap him across the face just as my guy is tap dancing around to our side of the table. I know the suave man did that to get my guy jealous so he'd lose his step and ruin the presentation. My guy grabs me and dances with me like its part of the routine. He says, \"What's going on?\" I say, \"Nothing, nothing. Don't worry about it. He just made a pass.\" He gets jealous and I insist he dance on. He finishes the dance. The suave guy says to me, \"What do you see in him?\" I say, \"He's so talented and interesting and hey, he's got great boobies\" (meaning the fake ones he's wearing). \"Besides,\" I say, \"you are boring. All you talked about for a half hour was gossip. He's got depth.\"" }, { "number": "2779", "head": "01/31/95", "content": "I go over to a man's house. I am very interested in this man. He comes over to me and says, \"Hey, nice to see you, but I'm taking off with the guys. We're going hunting. If you're still here when I get back, we'll get together, OK?\" I have this internal feeling that yeah, I intend to be here. I'm going to stick it out as long as it takes. I also realize he's teasing me a bit, knowing I want to be with him and just selfishly taking off. He's rubbing my face in it a bit. I hang out. Later he returns and I am sitting on a couch and he sits next to me. I am aware that he is crazy, and I know I'm being accepted into the \"inner sanctum\" of his intimates. The phone rings. I answer it and it's for me. Some woman asks for Jiving Joe, and asks me how \"the Ladies\" went. She meant my Play, \"Ladies mayhemming society\" and how the rehearsals went, or the performance, I'm not sure which. She's an intimate friend of the man's and is semi-teasing me as well. Now I am leaving, maybe I'm a half-grown boy. The man is crazy and potentially dangerous. He sends a horse after me, to hurt me. I run and hide in a small room and the lock on the door is broken. I try and try to get it to lock. It won't. It's too late to go out and find another place to hide. So I see a smaller room, a closet and get into it. It has a working lock. I notice behind me a smaller enclosure, maybe a utility box that I could squeeze into if I have to. I choose not to for the moment." }, { "number": "2780", "head": "02/01/95", "content": "I see a young teen boy (maybe 17 years old) on a raft in the ocean. He and his animal friends are on a mission, like Johnny Appleseed. There is a dog, a beaver, and other animals, including 87 baby tarantulas. When he began this journey, there had been only one adult. Even though he is a virgin and doesn't know how to make love himself, his job is to find the ducks and help them have sex so they will have baby ducks. I see many little baby ducks swimming around. He helps the female ducks sit on the male duck in the right position so the deed gets done. I know this because a male narrator voice is telling these facts as I see the picture. Now the scene changes and I am talking to a woman. She confesses she had another baby boy after Melvin. Although the woman would be Valerie, logically, it is Ginny. I now get to meet the long lost boy, who is an innocent young teen (as above). He has bright red hair. His name is Douglas. I say, \"It's so nice to meet Melvin's half brother.\" He looks surprised and says, \"Half\"? I look over at Ginny. \"Haven't you told him?\" \"Sorry.\" So they talk. I say to him, \"I am called Auntie. I am like your Auntie.\" He formally says, \"Hello, Auntie.\" I invite him to hug me. He does, but it's a bit stiff. Then he melts into a more natural hug. [BL]" }, { "number": "2781", "head": "02/03/95", "content": "There is a doctor, then John Laroquette, like Barry S, a doctor-type, and me, a nurse, and we are supposed to work together. The doctor leaves and John is coaxing me to stay and work with him. He loves me and wants me. I am attracted, but he is presuming too much. He has his arm around my waist saying, \"And after we have a nice romantic dinner, we can relax and make love all night.\" I get haughty and say, \"Oh, you think so, huh?\" Now Fluffy is in my lap and I'm so glad to see her. I pet her and we are happy. Now I see Bitsy Cat is here too. I am surprised, but then I notice she has huge chunks of naked skin where clumps of fur is missing and blood spots. She's injured. I must help her and ask John to help me. He gets a can of antiseptic spray stuff and I try to hold her and spray and now John and I are doing it together and somehow we are laying down together while we are trying to fix the wound on Bitsy Cat." }, { "number": "2782", "head": "02/03/95", "content": "I am in my wheelchair and so is Derek. We are seated outside a house, where inside are some of my relatives. Derek is holding a baby girl and I am holding a baby boy. We are not speaking because I am hurt and angry at him. My baby boy squirms and fusses and I move him around until I have him seated on my lap facing me and I cuddle him. He settles down contentedly. It's soft and loving. Then my mother comes out and says, \"It's time for the presentation.\" I am annoyed because I want to stay with this warm, loving feeling with the baby. I then hand the baby to a woman and wheel inside. I see a huge room, where many people are seated around in a circle, on ritzy couches and fancy chairs. I look for a good place to put myself so I can see everyone and they can see me. Derek is now on one of the couches. I avoid him, taking great pains to snub him and not give him eye contact. I chose the head of the room, by the huge fireplace. There is also a skeet shoot apparatus up on the wall to my left. Derek encourages the rich man who lives in this mansion to shoot the birdie. He tries a couple of times, but it is all weak and ineffective. A silly coo-coo type mechanical bird flaps his wings, and a sort of pop gun goes off. Now I begin my lecture. I want to keep it informal and answer questions. The topic is dreams. I say, \"I know lots of things about dreams and my bias is Jungian, but I don't want to inundate you with all this. Just ask me what you want to know and I'll try to answer it.\" I am watching the words I use so I don't trigger Derek's automatic responses around 'know-it-all left brain language.\" Some ask some questions and it goes on. Now it's over and a man, like Richie, Kyle's brother, also a rich man from this mansion, is seated on my right. He is telling me how much he has wanted to meet me because he'd seen pictures of me and I'm fabulous and he loves me and would like to have s-e-x with me. And he goes on like a star-struck fan. I say to him, angry and bitter, \"I am 51 years old. You are young. This is stupid and won't work.\" He ignores me and prattles on and on, very gushy and intense. I want to leave now. Derek is nearby watching. Now I'm on a couch and a bookshelf contraption slides in front of \"Walter\" and myself to give us some privacy. I want to leave. He grabs me and tries to kiss me. I fight and scream, \"Leave me alone, no no!\" I break from his grasp, and I see Derek is frantically getting into his chair to come beat up Walter and protect me. I am sobbing violently and deeply. I drive away in my chair to the van and Derek follows. I am screaming, crying and he won't leave me alone. He hangs onto my handles and hitches a ride with me; he is concerned and loving. I am deeply hurt and sad. This Walter, who I don't like and don't want, wants me. Derek, who I love and want, won't have me. It has been this way all my life. It's not fair. I sob and sob, a deep grieving." }, { "number": "2783", "head": "02/05/95", "content": "I see a printed piece of paper where my secretary had typed up instructions for how to format the printer. It is dry, boring and wordy. I correct a sentence." }, { "number": "2784", "head": "02/05/95", "content": "I make a joke to a woman that I really did a good job with turning on the radio program, when it is a totally automatic job at the radio station. I am in a huge warehouse kind of building. I walk away from her to go to my \"room.\" I turn back around and notice that the van, which I thought I had parked near a wall, had been moved over to another position, AND the vandals had taken off a wheel, stripped off hub cabs and mirrors and so on, which are laying on the \"ground\"/floor. A spray of water is spurting up from a rupture in the \"ground/floor\" like a pipe had been broken in the violent dismemberment of my van. I wonder if I should leave there. Maybe I'm in danger." }, { "number": "2785", "head": "02/06/95", "content": "I am being pursued by two men who wish to marry me. I am taking my time, choosing which one is the right one for me. One man is dark-haired and nice, but not exciting and gorgeous. I am attracted, but not all that interested. I am thinking of rejecting him. I see a house near the ocean where the side yard literally is the ocean. The children of the family are swimming in it and playing on the rocks in the water. It seems so convenient and wonderful. I feel a bit envious. A young 12- or 13-year-old girl is in the water and someone asks her if they can look at her nose, because she'd had plastic surgery done on it. She is annoyed at their curiosity. Now I see the man I had rejected in the front seat of a car. The passenger side is open and I go to speak to him, to be comforting, as he is hurting from the rejections. A young girl, maybe the same one, comes up and wants to hug him and I hold her off, thinking it would be too teasing, as he can't have what he wants. Now his mother drives up and gets out, walking over to us. I say to him, hanging on to him so he won't run, \"Here's your mother.\" I want him to face her. He feels very rejected and hurt by his mother. She is pretty, with bleached blonde hair and young-looking, but she is older, with wrinkles when you look closer. She's very egotistical and self-centered. She has a dress in her hand, one I used to wear, and is offering to sell it to me. I lay it out across him and me to look at it. He is sort of half laying, half sitting on the seat, diagonal, so his feet are toward the open door. I am seated on the edge of the front seat, facing the back seat, sort of. She points out the beaded strands and the young girl is looking closely at the weave so she can make one like it. I decide to defend the man and I grab her, the mother, and the dress and I am marching her back to her car. I start beating her up with the beaded dress, now big wooden beads, and it hurts her. It's like I'm flogging her. I am angry and selfrighteous. She abandoned the man as a boy and she has no business or right hurting him now. I drag her to her pickup truck and make her drive away. Now the scene shifts and I am married to the man. I had seen the errors of my ways and am being caring and committed to him. We run an inn or a restaurant and I have an apron on, I have dark hair and I am saying, \"I need to take my husband his dessert now.\" I am very loving to him and so happy I had seen my mistake and changed. I had almost made a bad decision when I first chose not to marry him." }, { "number": "2786", "head": "02/07/95", "content": "I am in a hospital bed. I am asleep and Dwight comes to my bedside. He is very drunk. I pretend to stay asleep as he tries to talk to me. His drinking buddies try to get him to leave me alone. Finally, he goes to another area. Now I'm playing a violin. I'm playing Christmas carols, \"Away in the Manger,\" and \"Oh, Holy Night.\" At first, it is a bit difficult because of my fingers, then as I continue and practice, I get better and better, not even trying to find the right note, just flinging my fingers and they hit the exact right spot and the most beautiful music comes out. It's sweet violin music. Now a group of interns and the doctor come and surround me on the bed. They are poking and talking and I demand that they stop. I say, \"Stop this. Tell me what is going on.\" They ignore me and I get more insistent and loud. Finally, I get the attention of the doctor, a haughty man, who condescends to listen to me for a moment. I explain how demeaning it is to be ignored. It is my body and I have a right to know what is going on. Now that I got their attention, I let them do the tests, which ends up like a kind of surgery. They make a mistake and I am permanently brain damaged. I am innocent and pliable. Someone decides to marry me because I have great wealth and they want it for themselves. An older man and his son are arguing who will be my groom. I am on the arm of the father. I wear a beautiful, white bridal dress. I vacantly smile and I'm serene. Even though I have some consciousness, maybe my dream self feels worried I'll be hurt and taken advantage of. We are in a vehicle, where I and the two men are in the backseat. The father is on my left and the son is across facing me. I look out the window and see buildings and then see the hospital I had been in and get upset and don't want to see it. I get agitated. Now we are at the place the wedding will take place in. It's a big room. The dancing starts as I sit alone for a moment on a bench. I see three women decide to dance together to start the dancing. They do back flips and strange moves like that. They wear long dresses that are pretty, vibrant and sexy. A man asks his wife to dance and she says, \"Not now, here let ____ substitute.\" It is a boy. The man and the boy dance. I decide I have to go to the bathroom. I get up and wander away. The dream conscious one knows I'll escape this way by getting lost and they can't find me, but the bride doesn't know anything. I go around the back around a building like a grown-over path through an old orchard of trees. I find the shit house, which is filthy and full of shit. I am disgusted by the idea of my white pristine dress being besmirched by all this shit. I go further and see a gate. It's an old wooden one. I open it and go inside. It is a dog kennel. There are lots of large, black dogs, maybe Labradors are being bred there, or housed there. I stand looking. Some men are at the far end. One man -- ugly, large, and mean -- has a double gauge shotgun. He begins to threaten me by pointing it at me and then begins to fire. Bullets hit the wall behind me very close. I am in danger and yet I am still very serene. I wait patiently with just a bit of alarm. Some men try to tell him not to shoot me. He fires the gun at them too, narrowly missing them. Now a beautiful hunk, the hero, in a tan leather jacket, good-looking and capable, comes around the corner. The dream consciousness knows he's the one that will rescue me and I will end up marrying him. He stops the mean guy from shooting at me and the dream fades out, with the dream consciousness knowing it will be a happy ending." }, { "number": "2787", "head": "02/08/95", "content": "I am in a car with Bonnie. We are taking the back road. It is a side road which is parallel to the big freeways. It is scenic, there's hardly any traffic and so it's easier to drive on and I get places faster and more refreshed. We come up to a stop sign where the freeway intersects. Now the car is a small airplane. Jock and another man are in it with me and I say, \"Shall I fly the plane?\" The man, who is at the driver's wheel, starts giving excuses like it will cost 1.15.7 per gallon for the gas and we'd have to go clear over to the gas station, and so on. I say to Jock, \"So, are you afraid of flying?\" He says, \"No, but I know he is.\" I realize I'm a bit afraid of doing it myself. If I got up there, how would I find this little patch of home to land in again? What if we fell? Now I go into the house and realize it's different. I liked the other house, the one I had before this, better. There are many rooms and so on, but the other house was more spacious and simple, Danish-like in style. There's baby girl and an older girl. They want their bottle. The men want to feed the babies. Where are the bottles? Howard's in there somewhere." }, { "number": "2788", "head": "02/09/95", "content": "Two nuclear subs are fighting and are going to blow. I start running away so I can escape radiation fallout. I run toward the coast range, up and up and up. Then I'm running up a narrow stairs to an attic. Something scary is after me. I lock the two doors on the stairwell and hide under debris in the attic near a window where I can look out and see the danger." }, { "number": "2789", "head": "02/10/95", "content": "The girls are going to be visiting and I am talking on the phone with Howard's third wife. As we are talking, we are constantly interrupted with noisy situations. At first I am out in the fields, green bean fields, and the crews and trucks are too noisy, so I retreat back into the house, which is spacious and huge. There are several hundred Boy Scouts there, and their parents are coming to pick them up in long train cars, like a zoo train. I retreat further and go down to a laundry room, where a mother of a girl who had been visiting comes to get her girl. We go into the next room, where miles of clothes hang on racks in this opulent closet. Even the visiting girl has a rack of her own. The mother is showing me her cute outfits. I admire them. I move down to another level and I am outdoors in a park-like setting with trees. I look up into the sky and there are flying giant pop bottles and other huge debris flying. I realize I'm so far below the earth level that it appears to be flying above me. I also realize that gravity is working and some of these things are falling down. I look for a safe place to sit. I decide to sit under a fir tree so the branches will protect me. I'm still talking to Howard's third wife. Now I go down another level and find a huge shower room and around the corner a luscious bathtub, rich and expansive. I decide I can get into this tub because there is a ramp-like thing which goes up to it so I can use my knees and get up and down. Dovre is there. I ask Howard's wife if Howard is drinking more, as she is telling me hew has disappeared and is more miserable. Yes, he has a drinking problem. I offer to let them stay in my huge house when they come with the girls for a day or so. I say, \"Do you want me to get you a motel room? or will you schedule it? or you can even stay here, if you want.\" I feel generous." }, { "number": "2790", "head": "02/10/95", "content": "I enter a room, like a store, and Derek/Darryl is there in his wheelchair. I am shy and don't give him much eye contact and connection, even though I love him. Someone is narrating something about how the one who loves and stays learns more and is richer than the one who leaves. It's sort of my thoughts I am directing toward him. I want him to stay and love and learn. He finishes his shopping and rolls out the door. I say wistfully, \"Goodbye Derek.\" He tosses a curt, distant goodbye over his shoulder as he leaves. Now I go into another room, with maybe clothes, maybe Katrina is in there. Now I am in a shopping mall area and see a sweet 6-month-old baby girl in an open store area. I am very happy to see her. She is so cute, innocent, fresh and happy and sweet. I hold her in my lap and am talking to her. I realize she's being sexually abused and I am telling her with empathy that she will have years of hard work ahead of her to learn forgiveness. Her parents are in the store and neglectful. They aren't paying any attention to her. I want to interfere, but know I can't. The girl baby will have to be unprotected and go through this awful pain and she will eventually prevail. There is a dog somewhere around." }, { "number": "2791", "head": "02/10/95", "content": "Different people are asked to write down whether they thought I and this man were to become lovers or best friends or what. These people are couples. I am reading their responses. They've written them at various stations or places in a room. One couple describes how we learn from each other and grow and do things better because we're together. They think we should get on with it and be lovers or a couple. Another has some reservation and says best friends. But the overwhelming majority thinks we'll be a couple. There's lots of curiosity and build-up excitement about revealing the answers. Now one man has applied for a job. We are interviewing him. He's quite qualified and charming, but I don't completely trust him and I'm double checking his materials. I find a black circle. I ask him to verify that he didn't already give copies of these to the woman president of the college in his admission materials. He's suspicious now. I'm on to him. I continue looking for evidence. Someone yells, \"Quick, come look here.\" I go up on the high open roof where there's a stone wall around the edge (like in a castle). I look over the edge to discover he'd placed a ladder there for his escape after he'd killed. I see he's found me and I struggle and push the escape ladder away from the wall as I also struggle against his attack on me. He's got a blue-colored syringe thing with poison in it and he's trying to stab it in my neck. I fight hard, and as I finally succeed in shoving the ladder far enough for it to fall away, he lunges to rescue it, miscalculates and tumbles over the edge, screaming as he falls to his death. I had nearly been killed and I wake up still feeling the fear and racing heartbeat. I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack." }, { "number": "2792", "head": "02/11/95", "content": "I am on a boat. The planet has been changed somehow. Dangerous aliens have come and transformed things. Ellie is sort of the captain. She informs me she is going to go out there and have unlimited sexual encounters and won't particularly care if she protects herself. I take something she'd been hoarding that would enable her to do that and hide it in my leggings. Ellie is pissed at me. She announces we are about to crash full speed into land. I don't even brace myself. I look out the window and see us coming to land. We crash and are now walking. We find a small hill which has triangles and markings and buttons on it and we realize this is the command com the aliens used. Now a woman approaches. She is one of the aliens. Apparently they used to be mechanical, and due to the crash and emergency conditions here, they had to transform into organic material. They are very unused to being in a body. She points to a small rainbow-colored sort of pony-like creature. I ask, \"What the heck is that?\" \"A horse,\" she says. I laugh, realizing they had taken their concepts of what animals and people are from a child's book of illustrations, an artist's rendition of reality, and copied that. She shows me other animals. We're sort of in this together." }, { "number": "2793", "head": "02/13/95", "content": "I am driving myself to a lecture I will be giving at a rich upperclass church. I am self-sufficient and well-dressed. I get there and get out of the van to see that there is a flight of stairs up to the church. I sit in my wheelchair, waiting for them to come out and get me in. They have to pick me up, four men, and carry me up the stairs to the stage. I know they are embarrassed and am glad they have this visual lesson. I sit proud and tall. I look down at the audience and begin by talking about how huge and spacious the room is and how it dwarfs the audience with its presence. I then tell them how distant they are from the stage and how unusually high the stage is from them. I use this as part of my lecture on how they choose to keep themselves separate and distant. I am honest, forthright and kind." }, { "number": "2794", "head": "02/13/95", "content": "I am privy to being around the President of the United States. He has selected a new cabinet, new things are going to happen, or there is a potential for it to happen. I am introduced to them. They are powerful and I'm not sure if they'll be good powerful or bad powerful. The First Lady comes in and greets a man, one of the new cabinet members, in a old friends kind of way. She waves at his wife, also her good friend. The President introduces her jokingly as the Last Lady. I sit on the floor, cross legged and informal, watching all this and aware that although I am not really a part of it, because I am being permitted to hang around, eventually I'll make my place among them. A woman comes up. I see she has placed a wrinkled brown paper bag on the table near my place setting. I open it and take out a pretty brown and olive green wool suit. I know she is taking me under her wing and is trying to spruce me up, I say, \"Thanks,\" and then say, \"but be warned, sometimes I deliberately wear polyester!\" To make a statement, I'll dress \"inappropriately.\"" }, { "number": "2795", "head": "02/14/95", "content": "I am sobbing with grief." }, { "number": "2796", "head": "02/14/95", "content": "I go to a bedroom that is being cleaned up for someone, perhaps Darcy. I have to pee and sit on a box or chair with stuff on it and pee. Then I quickly try to mop it up with some paper and stuff the paper in a box. My mother comes in and I am very worried she will find out I did this. I take the box out to the garbage so she won't find it." }, { "number": "2797", "head": "02/14/95", "content": "I am on a \"raft,\" which is really a wooden box floating on a river. This is some college retreat conference and also a tourist shaman experience. I notice the sides of the box undo at the nails and one side falls off. I broke the raft. I take it to the old woman native. She looks at me and suggests I do the shaman course. I don't really want to, but it could be fun. I go, not fully into it with my heart, mostly curious. Mabel is there somewhere. We are floating down a river past buildings where military personnel are living, working and studying. I see one room with women military personnel in a classroom. I see strong, good-looking men walking around. Now I'm in the river and my teacher's helper is supposed to dive and show me how to retrieve the knives he has dropped deliberately. One knife is huge, a butcher knife. Another one is small, a paring knife. I watch and then I go under water and retrieve a knife. The old woman is impressed with me. I am going to be a shaman." }, { "number": "2798", "head": "02/21/95", "content": "A male dog is a friend of a female cat. She wants to go up the mountain to where the orange cats live. They are called \"opal\" cats. The dog wraps his tail around her hind legs to prevent her from going. She is annoyed. I ask her how she feels. She shrugs. He's a good friend and doesn't want her to get hurt, but she knows she'd be fine. It would be a fine adventure and challenging." }, { "number": "2799", "head": "02/21/95", "content": "I am talking to my male friend. I am sarcastically joking about how someone uses the children too much. They are sent in to do all the work, \"Even the surgery,\" I say." }, { "number": "2800", "head": "02/21/95", "content": "My male friend and I are standing by each other, very quiet and friendly. I ask him to check my scalp for dandruff. He affectionately searches my scalp and says, \"No, no dandruff. Just marks where you've been scratching.\" I take his arm and affectionately walk along side him, holding his arm." }, { "number": "2801", "head": "02/27/95", "content": "A champion cowboy has a sweet special champion lamb, with roses on. I like the lamb very much, but it is owned by a trust fund and it will take hard work and perseverance to be able to work through all the red tape and paperwork necessary to make her mine. I'm willing to do it." }, { "number": "2802", "head": "02/27/95", "content": "I now live in M City and trying to make it there in a new environment. I see two women; one makes some special blocks for the other. The other woman's name is Bette Davis. The woman follows her, trying to give her the blocks, saying, \"I adore you.\" Bette Davis isn't accepting this. I wonder if this is lesbian and it doesn't feel like it. Now I am visiting Aunt Naomi who lives in a camper trailer behind my parents' house. Ellie comes in to talk to Aunt Naomi. I recognize she's here to do some dramatic storytelling and really doesn't want me around to spoil her fun. But I stay and listen in as Ellie whispers to her that she's a bit worried because she's been getting into weird practices again. I say, \"Oh, you mean wanting to be Catholic.\" I am guessing, trying to appear as if I know what's up. I had noticed she's been wearing a big cross necklace. Now it is a metal Bible on a chain around her neck. I say, \"Or maybe even wanting to be a nun.\" \"No Mom,\" Ellie says, \"I play at hanging myself.\" It's a ritual sort of fantasy thing. I am shocked and concerned. I say, \"Honey, this is sick. Something is wrong with you that needs looking to.\" She listens, but goes on wanting to talk with Naomi. I pull Naomi aside and say, \"Go ahead and listen to her; she needs support right now. I'll take care of doing something later.\" I then tell Naomi I've been living in M City, to be near the grandkids, but it's not working out. It occurs to me that I could move back to E City and I see my A. Street house and the white apartment as possible places where I could return. Then I say, \"I could even move to Dover.\" Naomi thinks about this and says, \"Probably not Dover, too much traffic.\" I am excited by the idea of moving and reconnecting with new people, new ideas, etc. I go outside to leave and find Aunt Rosalie, Darcy and Deirdre stopping by to visit Aunt Naomi. I ask them where they are headed. They won't tell me. It's like a secret. I am annoyed. They are here to wash their clothes and rest up and then they're on their way. I keep asking them where they're going and how come they won't tell me. Darcy sighs and says \"Venita (or Venusian) near E City.\" It's an indirect hint, but it's the most she's going to say and she's annoyed I keep pressing her." }, { "number": "2803", "head": "03/01/95", "content": "Aunt Elaine is mourning the death of Terence. I had driven far to visit her at N City. I am amazed how quick the drive is from Grandma Agnes's house to her house. I go in and she is telling her story of Terence. I see his face. I see hers. She is deeply crying and mourning." }, { "number": "2804", "head": "03/01/95", "content": "I am a waitress at a cafe. My woman boss is very meek. I tell her to remember she is the boss and I teach her to be assertive. A young couple is at one back table. They are in love. Now the playwright group gathers. Eric has some stuff to share. I see the name \"B\" on one. He announces he has won a short story contest in an important newspaper. I say, \"I am envious,\" but I also am aware the story is about me, so I'm also happy or curious. He starts to read the story, then pauses and says, \"I have finally learned what it takes to write, after all these years. You just write...from the heart.\" I smile because I knew that and he is absolutely right. I'm thinking this story about me, then, must be emotional and from the heart. This pleases me. Now he reads it. It says \"WELCOME, B.\" in headlines. Then it says, \"I find you in many places, in between the thin mucus layers of my ____\" (a body part, maybe the nose). \"You are in 482 points in my\" (another body part), \"and in 7008 places in my (stomach lining?)\" Then he goes on to describe trees and the (state) scenery and so on. I feel a bit disappointed and comment, \"I don't like the ending.\" It doesn't feel like the story had continuity. How can this story have been good enough to win the contest?" }, { "number": "2805", "head": "03/01/95", "content": "I am in a room with Eric and some others, one of them a man in a wheelchair (not Derek, but I like him sort of like Derek). I want to tell them of this amazing coincidence of me having a dream about Nate writing this story about me and then here we are together to talk stories. We are walking down some flights of stairs to find a quiet place to talk. I open a door and see a Hult Center type auditorium with some show going on, on the stage. I close the door. We go down another flight of stairs to find a dingy metal green basement and we go back up that one flight of stairs. We go through the Hult Center door and walk quietly through the hall at the back of the audience to a cafe. We sit. The tables are small, square ones, room for two at each table. Now some other people are with us and I want there to be room for the man with the wheelchair to sit at my table across from me so he can enjoy the dream I'm going to tell. Now my father is seated at the end on the left and my mother at my left. A young couple in love is between my parents. My Aunt Rosalie is on my right. My father comes in smiling with a tray of special desserts he bought for the young couple to honor this moment (of wedding or being in love). It interrupts my starting to tell the dream. We admire and look at what's on the tray -- red and white striped ice cream swirled in a dish, a bottle of what looks like champagne, but my mother looks at the label and we agree it's almost champagne, the cheaper version. My father is smiling, very pleased with himself. I am a bit annoyed, but still trying to get the attention so I can tell this interesting dream coincidence thing. Now I see my father has on some kind of mask which hides his gentle, kind face. I try to speak and he sounds like he wants to hear, but then he interrupts with a story of his own or something and I go quiet. Now Aunt Rosalie is having an argument with Sparky off in another room and I feel angry and put upon. My day is getting spoiled. I feel guilty because my relatives have somehow taken over this day and Sparky is going to be mad at me because we've moved in and not paid our share for the rooms. I didn't mean for this to happen. It's beginning to look hopeless that I'll be able to impress this man in the wheelchair like I'd like to with my fine story. I am frustrated and sad." }, { "number": "2806", "head": "03/06/95", "content": "George and I are in his house. I am visiting. He wants to sketch me. I sit, half lie, on the couch in a restful pose. He sketches. He likes me very much. Now I am walking through the room drinking some milk out of a gallon glass jug. I am going to the refrigerator to put the milk back in. I feel a bit guilty about drinking right out of the jug. Now I walk back through the living room and watch his parents, or somebody's parents, arguing. The teen daughter is mad at them. The mother has her back to us and is telling the stepfather to leave. This makes the teen daughter happy. I walk past and am touring the house. I see a large room with lots of spacious windows. The river, brown and muddy is swirling in and rising. I am a bit concerned, but not too much. Perhaps it won't rise so high as to enter the rest of the house. I see an elephant swimming in the river, in the room, and two alligator/part human creatures wrestling each other. I walk on and see an adjourning room, George's brother's room. It too is semi-flooded. Now George is showing me his room. He opens the door and I see a narrow, long, empty closet. I try to see a bedroom. I pull back a cloth, perhaps tie-died, to peek behind it and only see the wall with old wallpaper on it. But now it opens up and is his bedroom. There are plants, a living tree, and huge sky windows in the ceiling. I look up and see huge piles of junk, mostly empty cardboard boxes, empty wine bottles and so on, hanging upside down. I say to George, \"Hey, is that really up there above my head, or is this just a perspective, point of view thing\" He says, \"It's just the perspective.\" I am relieved. I now walk through back door, a lovely glass door, and see the outside. I see a pond, which is a continuation of the river, less muddy. There's a marker rope and then the pond widens out into a lake where recreation things are happening -- little paddle boats, swimmers, etc. I start to walk over there, but George comes out, perhaps in a wheelchair, and says to me,\"Wait. Stay with me. I love you.\"" }, { "number": "2807", "head": "03/07/95", "content": "A large house. I notice I'd been only living in a few of the rooms and have many empty rooms I can expand into. I could have an art room, a writing room, a music room. I am having a good time finding furniture to move into these empty rooms. I choose to take the breakfast things out to a table on an outdoor landing. It will be pleasant and unusual. Ginny is there." }, { "number": "2808", "head": "03/08/95", "content": "Nightmare. I have red, white and blue poker chips and these black men are trying to take them from me. I run away and dive in the river. I swim just to the left of the other woman captive, only I am just under the surface of the water. I know it is a good, safe spot for me. They are looking for me. They will rape and hurt me if they find me, and take away my poker chips." }, { "number": "2809", "head": "03/08/95", "content": "My cousin Terence is flirting with me. He'd wrestle gently and I'd accidentally fall back on the floor and he'd \"fall\" on top of me and we'd sneak kisses and so on. It was very pleasant and I knew vaguely it wasn't right, but it was so delicious, I didn't work hard to avoid it. He was an adventurer, a wanderer, and was home for a short while. I was working on a play." }, { "number": "2810", "head": "03/08/95", "content": "I am married to Howard and have a baby. I am deeply angry at him. I won't let him speak to me. He tries to apologize and make up, but I won't let him. Even though I am bitterly angry, I continue to do my work. I sweep, mop, hang up clothes, and take care of the baby. I am a good wife, but angry." }, { "number": "2811", "head": "03/10/95", "content": "I read a book that took me along time to get into, but after I kept at it a while, became interesting. It is a series of vignettes about towns, the last one being Mapleton. Now I decide to move to Mapleton. I am biking down the old highway and see a lovely stretch of grass and decide to bike across the \"moors\" for fun. It's very pretty and pastoral. Now I am in town and finish my errand and am biking back to my new home. My front wheel keeps getting caught in the old grooves of the asphalt and it pulls me a bit, so I struggle to keep on the road. I manage. I cross a bridge. I see I have a long way to go, maybe eight miles. I hope I get home before dark. I'll be tired, but oh well, it's a pretty ride and an adventure. I am munching on carrot sticks. As I approach a railroad crossing, the red lights come on. I know I'm supposed to stop, but I don't. I slow down and look and then scoot across anyway. At the last track to cross I look up and realize the train is almost upon me. I get across and then see the crossing guard bar. I think, \"How silly of me to have forgotten they'd be down, how will I get by?\" Then I see a way to sneak around the end. I am hearing the nuns chant as they go to seek answers or information from a young mystic girl. She was called a \"pronuncio.\" She keeps repeating over and over, \"You can not be plotted. You cannot be dated.\" [BL]" }, { "number": "2812", "head": "03/10/95", "content": "I have a big, rotting black space on my back teeth. Food is lodged there and a cavity is there. I keep picking at it and bits come out. Finally two teeth have fallen out and chips have been removed. I have a hard time getting my jaw to open enough to inspect it and work on it, but this time as I look, I see the teeth are hard and white and fixed. My work had a positive result. I comment to someone that since I'd chosen to sit in the high chair with the toddler baby girl, I'd been able to take better care of my teeth and they got better. The little girl is lively and cute. The high chair is an old-fashioned, little thin metal one." }, { "number": "2813", "head": "03/10/95", "content": "I am trying to clean up the messy floor. There is lots of dust and dirt and lint and so on. I start with a broom and realize all that sawdust will be hard to do with a broom, so I get a vacuum cleaner as well. I'm working hard to clean it all up. [BL]" }, { "number": "2814", "head": "03/14/95", "content": "I am at a cabin at the ocean on the front porch. I see a mother cat and her baby kittens, white and black, sort of spotted, striped. I sit and hold one kitten and cuddle it. It is very sweet and cute. Derek wheels out. He's a bit pudgy in the middle, sort of a comfortable teddy bear kind of guy, and I put my head in his lap and we are very happy, sitting together playing with the kitten. It is soft and comfortable. Then it is time to go, to move on, and we go inside to clean up before we leave. The floor is a mess: dust balls, dirt, lots of stuff. I am sweeping with a broom. Derek is trying to clean the floor also. The landlord comes in and is annoyed and gruff, saying we haven't cleaned it all up yet. I am angry at him and we have words. The dream sort of fades out at this point." }, { "number": "2815", "head": "03/15/95", "content": "I am somewhere, inside. Derek had been there and had just left. I see Lisa (playwright) and she is dancing playfully with a very close girlfriend. They kiss. I wonder for a moment if they are lesbian. A man nearby doesn't approve. I need to find a bathroom. I'm at a University, maybe a building like Autzen Stadium. I go down lots of halls looking for an accessible bathroom. Then I see a book stall where they sell writing things. I see the pens and am now looking for the right pen. I see the cheaper ones and hope to find a good-feeling pen there, but am drawn to the really pretty ones that are more expensive, fountain pens with clicker tops and feathers attached to the cap. They are special pens to be used at special occasions where there are guest books to be signed. But I will use this pen for my writing. I test it out and like the way the wet ink looks on the paper, only it spots a few blue ink marks on my hand. I kind of like that, a mark of a writer. Then the ink thins out and it's scratchy on the paper. Maybe this is the demo pen and I could find one that writes more consistently better. I find a colorful one with iridescent colors, but it has a kind of rough, scratchy feeling when I try it. No good for me. Needs to be a smooth ride." }, { "number": "2816", "head": "03/16/95", "content": "A couple started their relationship very loving and richly caring. Then it became fighting and distant. I come into the house and see fettucine on the floor, not cleaned up. I go in and am wishful of the beginning time again when things were loving. Now I am in the streets, trying to find City Hall, the City Planning Department. I guess I need a permit or something. Another woman, perhaps a sister, and I are lost. I see a building and go over to it and realize this is it. I go in. There are marble floors, fancy signs, etc. I see the directory. I can't make out what floor the department is on. I go to the elevator and get in, determined to go to each floor, although I think it is maybe 4th floor or 9th floor. A young man comes into the elevator backwards with an old ritualistic step, like a hop (Raymond like feet). I get out and have found the office. My sister Lydia is there and a man. I am looking around the nearly empty room thinking this would be a great room to do my writing in. I go to a window with an attic-like enclosure structure around the window, which makes an alcove, and think, \"This would be where I'd love to put my writing desk.\" I go there and notice that when I sit there, I can see a lovely view of an old Victorian house out the other window. Now the man is in love with Lydia and we are wearing old-fashioned long silk dresses (1800's). She has black hair tied up in ringlets and mine is blonde. The man wants us to go to his house. We do. He is very rich and the house is a Victorian mansion. He introduces Lydia to his mother; they try on a bridal gown for her. I try to take a picture of her and look through the lenses of her glasses to take the picture. One lens is scorched and scratched from her having looked through it. I look at her through it and say, \"Too bad the colors won't turn out well. I guess I'll take the picture just to have a memory snapshot. It won't be a good picture.\" I snap the picture and finish the roll of (reel?) film. I start to open the back of the camera too quickly. I hope I didn't ruin the picture. Now Lydia and the man's mother go out of the room to make arrangements for the wedding. The man comes over to me; he also secretly loves me. I am aware of his feelings and try to deflect or ignore them. I look out the window as he tries to press his face near mine and tries to turn my face so he can kiss me. Finally I say, without giving him much eye contact, \"You love my sister, sir. This cannot be.\" He is sad. He now wants to give me a tour of the house. He goes down to the end of a hall and opens a door. I look in. It's a bedroom, fairly modern and ordinary looking. There are two beds, one with a yellow bedspread, one with a blue-green one. I say, shocked, \"Why have you shown me a private room?\" I realize it is his bedroom. I turn and start to walk away, down the hall. He goes into the room and comes back out hurriedly with a small box that has a bird egg collection. It was his when he was a boy. I am touched. Then Lydia and his mom returns and he hurriedly covers the bird's egg collection with a piece of cloth so they won't see. Somehow this is too intimate for our relationship. Lydia is carrying a huge tray with goblets and things on it. It is too heavy for her and I see from her eyes she is on the verge of being hysterical. He takes the tray from her to help and I say to him, \"Take care of her,\" and I leave the house. I am vaguely aware they are going to send out their car to take me home, but I don't know for sure, so I hesitate and look around. I see a big square limo (more shaped like a hearse, only more box-like). It is picking up or leaving off a young woman in a wheelchair; must be the neighbors. I start to walk. I stop and hesitate again looking back. I see a regular, but fancy car. Maybe that's it. A woman comes around the porch of the neighbor's house and I offer to buy a candy in her tray for a ruble. I see a second boxy limo and walk back. Another woman comes over and says in an angry haughty voice that she is appalled I would offer a ruble to the neighbor woman, thinking she was the maid. Something about not being in my own class and putting on airs." }, { "number": "2817", "head": "03/17/95", "content": "I am going to N City. I am driving a car and am alone. First I am lost. I can't remember which way to turn, left or right. I decide left, then there are many lanes of fast traffic and as I speed up to merge, I don't do well. A white car is forced to speed up and leap over me. A second car grazes my fender. I am concerned because I could be in real danger here, I almost had two car wrecks. I come to another turn, then a bridge construction where a man holds up a stop sign. I put on my brakes (I had spelled it breaks!), but am not slowing down fast enough. My Grandma Agnes is a passenger and someone else is in the back seat. They are trying to brake also. We are concerned. I pull to the right so I don't crash into the other cars and end up stopped way over the stop line. I am embarrassed at my driving skills. I continue on, a bit lost again." }, { "number": "2818", "head": "03/17/95", "content": "Ellie is going away for a few days and I decide to go to N City for the day and then put myself in a foster care home for a few days until Ellie returns. I am curious what it would be like and it would be nice to be taken care of. Ellie warns me to take the back streets out of town because the main street is clogged with traffic because of a football game or something. I try to, but get all twisted around and find dead ends and odd corners and end up going out of town the wrong way, up over the mountains toward M City (I think I'm in M City). I try to find a place to turn around, but that will put me in the traffic jam. Then I realize the game is started because the traffic has freed up some. I stop by the foster home to check in. The helpers are very busy with the other patients. Two colorful cowboy hats (huge) with little short puppet like legs keep darting in and the helpers keep chasing them away playfully. They are dancers. Two of the helpers are choreographers of dance. I see a table with color pens and markers on it. I realize I'd forgotten to pick up Charla to take to N City with me. I decide to call her and then go back and get her. I try to get Ellie's number out of my electronic address book. I type in \"B\" and it keeps being mistyped with extra letters. I repeatedly try to do it and am unsuccessful. I finally realize I'm in the wrong search mode. I also realize this isn't the right place for me. They do too much help; they are used to patients with severe difficulties and I'm really quite self-sufficient. I am a bit embarrassed. As I am leaving, one woman has penciled in art work on her white smock or blouse. I comment on them. She has started to color them in. I comment on the brilliant purple and orange colors. I like them. If I stayed, I'd probably want to use those coloring pens and draw something. As the woman goes out ahead of me, she's saying she won't be here Monday night, and I know that I won't be coming back here. I'm going home after my N City visit. I feel good about this decision." }, { "number": "2819", "head": "03/26/95", "content": "I am seated in an easy chair and a small, deformed baby girl is trying to move around near me. I reach out to touch her lovingly and encouragingly. She doesn't want to be touched. Her eyes are puffy, wrinkled small like a burn victim, and lots of burn scars on her tender, hurting body. She pulls back and I say gently to her \"It's all right. I won't touch you if you don't want.\" I smile. She keeps close and wiggles around so that she is actually permitting us to be nearly touching, shyly letting me be close. I keep talking lovingly and then she reaches out and pulls herself on to me. I must touch her to keep her from falling and only do it gently and with intent to support her own movements, never as a holding or a restriction. I am very happy she lets me do this. Then she sees another baby, a newborn, laying on the chair near me. It too looks oddly deformed, sharp, pointed head, elfin ears. She wants to touch the baby. I help her move over there, at one point needing to pick her up and adjust her position so she can get where she obviously wants to go. I apologize to her encouragingly so she knows I'm only doing what she will permit. Then she opens her mouth and tries to swallow the baby's head, out of curiosity, only now it's not a baby but some tiny toy yellow plastic shoes like for a doll. I am a bit concerned she'll swallow them and get hur, but she's all right. Then Ginny is seated to my right and she says, \"I can't ever hear your American Woman play without only hearing you. I laugh and say, \"I understand. Mirabelle can't either. Both of you know me so well you can't hear the universality of it.\" She agrees. I laugh suddenly as I am now aware that there are a number of cute fuzzy cats with beautiful eyes all looking right at me as I am speaking. I say to Ginny, \"Oh, this is so great. Look, there are...\" and I count up to thirteen, then add fourteen so it won't be an unlucky number. I repeat, \"There are fourteen cats staring at me right now.\" I laugh richly at the beauty and fun of it." }, { "number": "2820", "head": "03/26/95", "content": "I go over to Derek's house, worried, because he had called and asked me to come over and I knew he was in trouble. I get to the door and it has been kicked around so that it is in three thin sheets. I get in and see papers and stuff strewn all around. He'd been throwing and breaking things. I say, \"Hello.\" He calls out, \"Here.\" He's in the bedroom. I go down the hall and go into the bedroom. Instead of a regular bed, he is wrapped up in a wet suit material like sack. He's plugged into a sort of bathtub bed. His face is entirely covered with a blue plated mask. I can see an eye peek out and a bit of his tousled hair. He is writhing in pain and sadness. I sit down on the foam, wet sack, and try to stroke him to help calm him. I haven't a clue what part I'm touching, maybe below the break where he can't feel it, or up on his chest. I soothe him and tousle his hair a bit as he wiggles and squirms around, groaning. He lightly kisses me back, near my breasts, and is trying to acknowledge my presence. It is hard for him. I am wearing a pair of shorts, dark blue, and a summer blouse. Sometimes I am naked. It is semi-sexy and very intimate, but the purpose is to assist him through this bad time. He tries to put more warm water into the sack he's in and I feel the coolness leave the sack and it is warm. Then he unplugs his catheter bag down by his feet, which is plugged into the tub drain." }, { "number": "2821", "head": "03/26/95", "content": "I am a woman and am at The White Sands Blasting Grounds." }, { "number": "2822", "head": "03/29/95", "content": "I am in a room where lots of activities are going on, like ladies playing cards at a table, and two women seated, reading, etc. I am there to have a session with my psychiatrist. I call him Dwight. He says to me, \"I don't feel comfortable with you calling me by my first name so informally. I prefer you call me Dr._____ because you are a very repressed woman and it would embarrass me to be out socially or in public and have people think we are friends.\" He then hesitates about wanting to do the session in this room because of all the other people. I want that session, so I efficiently go over and pick up the table the ladies are at and walk it out the door, forcing the ladies to follow so they can finish their card game. I then go to the two women in easy chairs and say to them, \"Please try to read more quietly.\" I feel pretty good about taking care of the situation. I remember the doctor had a tuft of gray hair on one side of his face, maybe his left as he faces me. Others had that same kind of tuft of hair. It's like a bushy sideburn, only growing out of his cheek." }, { "number": "2823", "head": "04/03/95", "content": "A native American man is telling a story in some auditorium. I listen. He comes up to me later and wants to meet me and get my opinion. He likes me intensely. I have two daughters who are sleeping on a pile of coats. This is a pow-wow kind of thing. He kisses me passionately. He wants me. I am very attracted and turned on, but I hesitate and say, \"I have to take the girls home.\" He says, \"We can find a place for them to sleep here.\" He says, \"We don't have to make love now, or anything, but please just stay.\" He says it with such strong need and desire and love for me. I kiss him passionately. I will stay." }, { "number": "2824", "head": "04/03/95", "content": "It is dream night. Some new people have come. Derek tells his dream. I'd heard this one before and remind him of a detail he'd left out. Then I begin to tell my dream. Just then, lots of people, all dressed up for a fancy party, come in and now the woman who is new to the dream group is decorating my fancy, ritzy apartment for a party. It's her friend's birthday. I am shocked and upset. She simply takes over and very quickly the place is crawling with strangers and the music is blaring and the decorations are all over. Derek says to me, \"I don't know about you, but if it were me, I'd be extremely pissed.\" I pace back and forth, back and forth, angry, and yet, look at all the trouble they went to. It's so big it would be impossible to get them out and they'd be angry at me. I pace some more. Derek hands me a bottle of drink and I take swigs off it as I pace. I ask what it is because I can't taste it. He says, \"It's apple juice.\" Now I am walking through the rooms, watching, my eyes blazing in anger. I go to my bedroom. Derek sees in my face that I'm about to go ballistic and he loves it. He's grinning from ear to ear and following me around. I go into my bedroom and check to see if any of my jewelry had been taken. Then I find a couple making love in my bed and I start screaming, \"Everybody out. The party's over!\" I grab women by the hair and drag them to the door. I start ripping down decorations and wires to music speakers. I grab a microphone from the party MC and tell everyone to get out. \"This is my apartment and no one asked me permission to have this party and it's over.\" I am getting them all out as they bitch and complain and get sullen." }, { "number": "2825", "head": "04/05/95", "content": "I wake up in a double bed, at Nate's house. He is standing at the side of the bed saying, \"Wake up, Barb, look at what I got you.\" I open my eyes sleepily and look to see the bed is covered with lots of coins, mostly quarters. It is Nate's little joke gift for me. I am very aware of his mother at the end of the bed suspiciously watching my reactions. I remain calm and noncommittal. Somehow, I am their guest for the weekend. My father is around somewhere. I get up, trying to be casual. Nate is now standing at the other end of the room, leaning against the wall talking to his girlfriend. I feel like a fifth wheel. I am uncomfortable. Later, we have a quick moment of aloneness to talk as I try to find my two purses in the airplane to carry with me so no one will steal my money. We can't touch or kiss as his mother is lurking around watching." }, { "number": "2826", "head": "04/05/95", "content": "I am sitting on a rocking bench in a coffee house, cafe. Listening to a group of singers. The woman singer screws up and has to start the song over a number of times. it's OK. Nobody seems to mind. I sit there alone. A man, lean, skinny, a bit of a day growth of beard comes over and sits next to me. We'd met once before, he reminds me. We talk a bit and slowly he comes closer and I open to him and now I'm almost sitting in his lap, my arm around his neck and the feeling is tentative. I wonder if he's just making the moves, but I like him. We are rocking the bench. He says, \"Look.\" I say, \"At what?\" He says, \"Look,\" and looks over to the left side of the bench where a small disk drive from my computer is sitting. When we rock, it makes the disk drive lights come on and off (yellow and green). I chuckle. He then asks me if I want to go to Coffee Joe's or some other coffee bar. I am interested, but I say, \"I don't like coffee, sorry.\" He says something like, \"Well, I've been thinking of giving it up.\" We smile. He nibbles gently on my arm. We rock some more. Then he says, \"Do you like your____?\" I say \"What? I couldn't get the word you said.\" He repeats the question at least three times because I'm not understanding the last word. He repeats it again. \"Vidas,\" I say, \"what's that?\" He says, \"Your tapes.\" I decide that means my writing. I shrug and think for a moment. I say, \"Yeah, most of it, I do. Some of it is shitty, especially the earlier stuff. But I'm going to be rewriting it, making it better.\" I say to him gently, \"And you? I'll bet you're the creative type.\" He closes his eyes and I see a look of pain and longing. I understand this. He is creative, but can't get to it, or doesn't do it, or doesn't believe in himself. I touch his face affectionately. Now we are interrupted by two young people, his friends. The scraggly teen boy makes sign language gestures. They are telling him it's time to go. The boy then says, \"You always get the girls.\" The man smiles a bit sadly. It's true, he always gets the girls, but so what? He then kisses me and I return the kiss, but it is not all that pleasant. I am disappointed a bit, a kiss open-mouthed without much good response. Oh well. He's leaving now." }, { "number": "2827", "head": "04/05/95", "content": "A heavyset man with a black beard, a \"bear\" of a man, is traveling by horse across a southwestern desert. His horse is carrying secret listening devices from the CIA to spy on him. He doesn't know they are there. Now I am a young woman in a long dress (1800's) on a horse and he is taking me across the desert. He had gotten off his horse and peed. I could see the shadow of his back and hear the water hit the ground. Then he sits to have a bowel movement. Then he realizes the CIA devices are on the horse and removes them. Now I am sick with fever or heat stroke. The man is now sort of Jeremiah Johnson (Robert Redford/Derek) and he takes off my many layers of socks, five or six he counts, and shakes his head because that is too stupid in this environment. He strips off my clothes and lays me on a blanket, naked, and covers me with another blanket. But now he is sexually aroused because I am pretty and naked. He takes all his clothes off and stands near me. I can't see his penis, but it's there. Then he lays down on me. I am on my tummy and our skins touch and it is soft and gentle, but I am very afraid. I beg him to please leave me alone. He is hot with desire and yet knows this is wrong to take advantage of me, so he just lays there wanting me and feeling our skins touch, but not doing much else. I don't know if he's going to be honorable and I beg and cry in fear. I feel the tip of his hard penis on my leg and then he stands up and leaves me alone. I fall into a fevered sleep. He takes care of me." }, { "number": "2828", "head": "04/11/95", "content": "I am in a huge ranch house. I live there. I am walking back through the rooms. Perhaps I heard some noise that makes me think someone is prowling around. As I pass through a series of large rooms, I notice a man in an alcove where a telephone booth is. He's not supposed to be there. I go to him and demand he leave. He's some reporter from National Public Radio (NPR) wanting to interview some things that are going on around my ranch house. I am not interested in these events, nor am I happy he's around. I tell him to leave and try to lock the window screen. I realize there are a lot of windows that are part way open and so on. It would be impossible to get him out if he kept trying to get in. He goes out to his crew. I go back to the main living room where my \"dad\" sits in a chair and I see a lunch pail or file box by him and realize this sneaky man has gotten permission from my father to not only do his news stories but to be in the house. I am very upset. I've decided I really don't like this good-looking man. He is in the other room, at the doorway, listening to me, smiling, because he likes me. He likes my feistiness too. So I now know he's going to be around and there's nothing I can do about it. I grudgingly go sit on the couch next to him, which is the first sign that I am realizing I do like him and am attracted to him. He is Republican and I am Democrat, but I have the feeling he is starting to make a decision to change as he is getting fed up with the Republicans. He has a packet of material, a press release kind of thing, political. He's signing his signature. A man (maybe the \"dad\") watches how he signs his name and does some in imitation to help him out. I go look at the signature, which is a wild scribbling in black ink, then a series of pastel colored hash marks in a sort of vague flower shape. I notice that each time he does his signature, it is uniquely different. I start to do some of the packets for him, imitating his signature." }, { "number": "2829", "head": "04/12/95", "content": "I am in the M City house. I am talking to Ellie and I suddenly remember that I have a pretty white cat with cocoa brown ears in a cage upstairs and I haven't remembered her for weeks. Perhaps she has died for lack of food and water. I feel horrible. I say to Ellie that usually my helpers fed her, but lately I haven't needed so much help and I just forgot about feeding the cat. I feel like a murderer. I go quickly upstairs and I'm suddenly surprised to remember that my parents had remodeled this upstairs bedroom area before they moved out and left the house to me. I go into the big bedroom and I'm surprised to see how changed it is and realize I've lived in the house for months and haven't even gone up here to look. Somehow, perhaps Ellie went up and got the cat or whatever, but now she is out of her cage and seems to be fine. Maybe her legs are a bit shaky from lack of exercise and the confinement of the cage. I am grateful she is alive. My other cats, a black fuzzy one and another white one, only with light brown paws and lower legs, are all playing together. I am happy they get along so well. Now, I look around the room. It's quite large, painted off-white and there's a fireplace on one wall. I try to remember what it looked like when I was a child and I lived there, thinking my bed used to be in that corner. I turn to the right and see the bed, a double bed, and two fireplaces and a gas stove-like thing in between. There are fires burning in them and I am again surprised and upset with myself. This has been untended for months. It could have burned the house down. I wonder how it kept going so well so long and decide they are gas fireplaces. I see a control box and try to read the instructions so I can turn off the fires. I wonder if I should let them continue to burn, because it must help heat up the house. I notice the ceiling, which is not finished. There are holes between the boards. This part of the remodel apparently never got finished. I see objects on the ceiling above the bed, and lay down to see what my parents wanted to see when they were lying down. An old musket rifle, another rifle, and a strange fox hunt horn like thing are on the ceiling. \"That's weird,\" I think. Then my father comes into the room and asks if I want the air adjusted. I say, \"Sure.\" He gets a stick (pole) and reaches up to a high shelf to manipulate something. I watch so I'll know how to do it. Then I see a mirror and see my mother reflected. She is painting a picture. I turn to see where she should have been from the reflected image, which would be the wall where the fireplaces are, only she's not there. I step closer to the mirror. This is really weird. She's in there, or maybe it's a window to another room, only now it's not my mother but some man painting. I turn back to look at the room and see several more people are there. I see my mother and suddenly with horror I realize it's not her, nor is that man my father. Aliens are there in human form. They start to surround me. I see a younger man coming closer. A woman is in front of me and they say, \"Your face is changed too.\" I now have a hand mirror and see with horror it is not my face. The lips are pointed, like Patricia's. I'd rather have my own face back. I liked it better. I strike the approaching woman with the hand mirror across her face and this hurts her. She stumbles back. The man approaches and I hit him. I realize I can hurt them and in the confusion I run for the stairs. I managed to get to the living room, with the man right behind me. He nearly has me and I keep hitting him with the mirror, using the handle to poke him in the groin as well. I dash outside to the street, cross the street, still hitting at the man and screaming, \"Help, help.\" Finally a bunch of cars and pickup trucks stop and people are getting out to help me. The man runs away. I realize I can't tell them the truth about what happened. They'll think I'm crazy and put me away. I also realize it's going to take some getting used to being this other person, with this other face. I wake up, hearing that cry for help, \"Help, help,\" still echoing in my mind." }, { "number": "2830", "head": "04/12/95", "content": "I am now in a huge, enclosed place, like a mall, only the aliens are all over the place, killing and torturing people. One family of aliens in human form live in a house in this mall-like place. I and my husband, Michael Keaton, are their slaves. We watch their children for them. We are trying to think of ways to escape. I realize suddenly that maybe the reason they hurt us so easily without any care or concern is that they cannot feel pain and therefore do not know what they are doing to us, that they are causing us such suffering. We know that somehow we have to get them to feel the pain. I strike at the woman and Michael tries to hurt the man. Finally the woman feels some pain and starts to understand. She is upset now that they are hurting us and assures me I was a good caretaker for their children. Michael and I run. We see that there is sleet or hail falling outside and we know we must get these aliens out there to feel that, maybe slip and fall or feel it hitting them. We run through the mall halls and they all give chase. We duck into a series of rooms, and Michael comes out of one room with the alien woman saying in a dazed and stupidly happy way, \"God, the sex was great.\" I realize he'd actually stopped in the middle of all this crisis and had sex with the alien. He says to her, \"Now how about I rub your _____, a bony part of the back, which is how they have sex.\" I am not happy about all this, but it is more important to get these aliens outside, so I get Michael's attention and he comes out of his euphoria. We run more, get split up I signal to him, \"I'm going down this hall,\" and he is blocked from me by aliens and he hand signals he understands and will meet me later. I run down a huge flight of stairs. I don't want to fall because then I'd feel the pain, not them. I get to the outside door only to see that there are gang thugs out there and the cops are not going to be helpful. I chance it and run through the alley, only to find myself in another enclosed mall space. I keep trying to get out to the open air." }, { "number": "2831", "head": "04/13/95", "content": "Jean-Luc Picard and an \"Emperor Boss\" are there. Jean-Luc is aware that he is in the present, but there are chunks of his past he is not aware of. He must simultaneously regain the memories of the past and continue to function in the present. The Emperor Boss is a pain in the butt. Then Scotty says to Jean-Luc, \"I am a senior trusted officer, why do you have to oversee me too?\" It hurts his feelings. Jean-Luc tries to explain that it is good policy to always be examining things and noticing even old trusted ones." }, { "number": "2832", "head": "04/16/95", "content": "I am in Derek's house and it is dream group time. I see a woman standing with her back to me and I say, \"Hi, Lisa.\" She turns and it isn't Lisa. I feel embarrassed, especially since that might make Derek know I was thinking about him and Lisa. Derek decides to go to the grocery store. Then an overweight man sits on the couch and I sit next to him and then Eric comes and sits on my right. It's very cozy. I am explaining to them what we did at the last meeting that they had missed. I am telling them and then I ask for my notes. Derek is back and he hands me my note pad. I open it and laugh realizing that I thought I'd written words but I had only drawn pictures to remind me. That's not going to help the people who weren't there. Then I pick up another note pad and see writing. I try to read it, but I see I've only written a few words or phrases to remind me. One says, \"Three strikes and you're out,\" then a space and then two other words, \"jerk\" and another word. I say to the overweight man, \"I can't remember what this was about.\" Derek comes up to me with a silly grin on his face and I say, \"What's with the Kirk Douglas grin?\" I then look over next to him on his right and see the real Kirk Douglas. Derek had met him in the grocery store and brought him home to meet us. Kirk is interested in me and is flirting. Derek is a little jealous of that and of how I let those two men sit so close to me on the couch." }, { "number": "2833", "head": "04/17/95", "content": "I am on a big motorcycle (probably a Harley Davidson). I am going down a highway and coming to a bridge. A man on a motorcycle is in the left lane and I feel like racing him so I speed up. He's pretty fast. Then I notice a racing course across the river and I turn right, off the highway and down to the wooden bridge with a break in the middle, for the motorcycle to jump. I rev up and go like hell, leaping over the expanse of water and then landing in the mud and sand trap set there to make the course really difficult. I squirrel around in the mud and sand cleverly, \"riding\" the ruts left there by other bikers. I am very successful and the head biker is watching with appreciation and interest. He wants to know who I am, so he starts to follow me. I ride away fast to try and lose him. I end up at the University, where I teach, get off the bike, and changed clothes real fast and go up to my classroom and teach. When I return to the bike, he and his biker cronies are there waiting for me to return so they can meet me and know who I am. I hide and listen in to their conversation. I am attracted to the head biker and finally reveal myself to him. We make love. It feels great." }, { "number": "2834", "head": "04/24/95", "content": "I am talking with Howard about arrangements for the Christmas party. It's a big annual event and I already bought my pretty blue formal gown. Howard says he doesn't know if he wants to go. He'll be busy teaching and can't get there until 10:00 at night. Half the party will be over by then. I sigh. I say, \"Oh well, I'm still going.\" I then am talking to Lucy on the phone. She is sighing and saying she doesn't know if she wants to go to all the work and trouble of going to the party. I am pouring kayo syrup over Rice Krispies and eating it all with a spoon. It is thick and too much syrup, but very, very sweet. I say, \"Yeah, I know. I'm not sure why I'm going either. Howard won't be there until late, so I'll be alone. I don't like the people there. They are so correct and so judgmental all the time. I kind of like to do things differently, my own way just to annoy them, but it is tiring hearing their point of view all the time. MAYBE I'll FLIRT WITH THIS CUTE MAN I know. After all I've already got the dress.\" Then Lucy says, \"Maybe I'll stay home and write a book with all my accomplishments and projects all in the book, so at least they'll all be together in one place. It's like Justin doesn't appreciate or even know what all I've done.\" I say, \"Yeah, good idea. My father did that this year. He just wrote up a sort of autobiography of this year's doings and gave it to all of us family. It's kind of neat he's doing that. Guess he's getting old now and does what he wants to do no matter what other people think of it.\"" }, { "number": "2835", "head": "04/26/95", "content": "I am traveling across the semi-desert badlands. I come upon a fighting circle of Indians. I am surrounded. It isn't my fight, but I am curious about the black feathers tied to the reins of a black horse. I recognize them and wonder if they belong to an Indian I know. I decide to steal the pony and leave the dangerous fighting area. An Indian, my friend, is mad at me for abandoning them there. I ride away and look out over the vista, miles and miles of, and I look forward to a long hard ride to another mesa where a town is. It's exploring time, vacation. I ride hard and long. As I approach the town, I get a phone call from Archie. He is upset with me and wants to talk, but he won't come to the point. I get off the horse and walk with him into the Parks and Rec building where we've danced contact improv before. He is near tears, very intensely upset and emotional. I am calm and caring and also wanting him to say what he really thinks. I am also a bit smiling because I think he won't admit that he, as the director, is upset because we are branching out on our own. He says, \"I've heard that some dancers are \"_____\" and uses a word, a special dance term, that means \"moving the move\" in contact improv language. I smile and say, \"And what's so wrong?\" He won't really say. I never help him out by saying, \"Yes, we've decided to try some dancing on our own, but that doesn't mean we are betraying you.\" It feels like he feels betrayed and abandoned. He walks a circle around me and around me as he talks. The carpet is uneven and makes it hard for me to keep my balance. Some people come in and interrupt, so I say, \"Let's go into the next room.\" We do; it has a gym floor. I am relieved and say so. I can keep on my feet more steadily that way. Now we're semi-reclining on a couch. I have my hand sympathetically on his arm. He talks around the issue, but I wait for him to say, \"I feel hurt and betrayed and I love you and you went off without me and I'm the director and you shouldn't do that to me.\" He then says he's been thinking of cutting Emery and Bonnie off soon anyway. I know that's just a defensive move and try to gently argue with him that that's not fair." }, { "number": "2836", "head": "05/05/95", "content": "I am reading a report that Millie made for me as her job as my publicist. It is too wordy and doesn't focus on what I want it to. She comes up all happy to see how I liked her report. I sit down and start explaining. I say, \"It's great, really, but look, these first two sentences about men's voices and women working for democracy and motherhood, that's the first thing the people will read and this isn't what I'm trying to say. I want them to know about my creativity and my works.\" She explains why she thought that was a good idea and why she started the report that way. Then I point to the picture of Ellie and Charla and a bunch of other people and say, \"You spend pages talking about them and my relationship with them, but that's not the point. My creative projects are the point. People don't know this is my daughter and my granddaughter.\" Millie feels a bit defensive and I'm trying not to hurt her feelings. Now I watch a woman, like Sally Fields, all cute and perky, who is going into a big office place to retrieve a doll for her daughter. The man boss is asking her questions about her creative talents. She shrugs and says she's too busy with making this doll for her daughter. The man looks at the Raggedy Ann doll and sees it is well made and says, \"How did you make that?\" She says, as she struggles to put the good one up on the window with sticky stuff on the forehead, \"I just saw the pattern and then made it.\" The man is impressed with her skill, but the woman isn't even focusing and doesn't realize she has any talent." }, { "number": "2837", "head": "05/05/95", "content": "Fred Astaire is married to another woman. But it isn't working out. I like him and am trying to encourage him to break from old patterns. He is shy and used to routine. There are a bunch of teens he is trying to teach. They are surly and unruly. I am going to go to the opera with Fred, and as we walk down a hall, I hug him, leaning him up against the wall and cuddling. He feels a bit strange and doesn't respond, although he likes it. He is after all still married to the other wife even though he doesn't love her any more. Now we're in the auditorium. He's being loving and trying to encourage the teens. Women are talking about me behind my back. I interrupt them and try to involve them in some sort of gesture game. They start to like me a bit more. Off in the distance, the actors are singing away. Now it's a sort of prison and the guards are after the teens and Fred. I call him Freddie. I sneak into a room where I see Freddie's things arranged like at an altar, only it's at a small sink, few metal round things and some seashells. I decide to put a few of these things down the garbage disposal, realizing he'll probably be upset with me, but somehow this will be more safe for him if I get rid of these things. Only I realize that metal things in a garbage disposal are noisy and will not stop being ground up so it will call attention to the room. I feel a bit stupid. I should have realized that before I plopped them in." }, { "number": "2838", "head": "05/08/95", "content": "I have a lot of boxes and bags, of groceries and things. I see Curtis Salgodo and he's telling someone that his brothers have decided not to play with him any more as backup band. He'll have to go on alone or with a new backup band. I go up to him and say that I know he can do it, because many years ago, when I began my Masters program, I first saw him with the Night Cats (which should be Nighthawks). He begins to chat with me. I am very pleased, as I am a big fan and in awe of him. He is being nice and interested in me. He asks what my disability is. I say Rheumatoid Arthritis and talk about how I was walking then and danced all night with a brace and a cane. I realize I am building the story a bit, to get him to be in awe of me, or maybe feel a bit sorry for me and hang around a bit more." }, { "number": "2839", "head": "05/10/95", "content": "I am driving a car up a windy mountain road and park it next to my father's car as he was coming down the road. We are way off in the hills where scruffy hillbilly people live. I see an old rundown house and remark, \"I've seen this kind of house before, as in my childhood, maybe living in them.\" I go in and a man and a woman, the sister to the woman who lives in the house, is being critical and judgmental. She doesn't like the way her sister does things and is telling her. The sister is angry and not responsive. I act as a negotiator and say to the sister \"Look, you hit first. So of course, she has to hit back.\" The sister doesn't understand that her negative critical remarks are as harsh as attacking physically." }, { "number": "2840", "head": "05/10/95", "content": "I am either on a campus, or in an apartment building, in a long hall and Lucy is arrogantly snotty and angry. She yells swear words at the office people. I walk her outside and down a long, rickety ramp. I hear a commotion and look back. The narrator is telling about how it's a very hot day and the animals, especially the big ones, are very irritable. An elephant goes crazy with the heat, which is bad news for the little trainer man. I muse that maybe I should, in my retirement, take on the part-time job of coordinating the disability resources because the different resources offices are in different places and are not run smoothly. I'm mildly interested. Now I hold a big, cream-colored, furry cat and let go of it and expect it to land on its feet and walk away, but the cat is lazy or something and lands painfully on its belly. I drop it again and it does the same thing. I grimace with sympathetic pain and consider the cat rather slow-brained. I go outside and see Howard getting into a box, which is a sort of car. I wait for his wife to get in next. I don't want to get in too early and be alone with him. I put the cat in and wait impatiently for the wife, who comes out arrogant and snotty." }, { "number": "2841", "head": "06/06/95", "content": "I am visiting a house owned by a nice-looking man. His current girlfriend is moving out and he is now interested in me. I take a tour of the house, which has magnificent views all around of mountains and so on. The house is set up to give you a roller coaster ride effect as you walk around. I enjoy the thrill of walking across a wooden bridge between two rooms as it tosses and jiggles like in an earthquake. Now I am washing dishes in the kitchen sink and he's drying them. He is playfully flirting and there is pleasant sexual tension between us. Rena sits next to us and I ask, \"What does she do?\" He says, \"She sits there and looks pretty.\" I think that is a bit condescending and feel bad for Rena. But I ignore it and continue talking with him. Now he's a very rich man and I am taking him a note I wrote with a joke on it. I am leaving him, sort of to prove I'm not after his wealth and I am my own woman, independent and so on. He reads my card, which says something about \"May the Buddha follow you,\" or something like that. He looks at it and I giggle at him saying, \"You don't get it, do you? You don't know what the Buddha is.\" I take the card to a man in the next room to share this great joke with him. I think his name is Howard. I say, laughing, \"And he doesn't even know what the Buddha is!\"" }, { "number": "2842", "head": "06/07/95", "content": "I am prospecting for gold in a desert-like area. Lots of men are there. One man, like Christopher Reeves, is in love with me. I love him too. He wants us to get married. I love him, but am not willing to marry. I want my independence. We strike it rich. I say to him, \"I have something I have to talk to you about.\" He says, frustrated, \"I can't talk about it any more. I say, \"It's not about that! This is something else you probably won't like to hear.\" I smile at him gently like it's a joke, only it's not. Now he is seated in an easy chair and I am kneeling in front of him, my head on his chest, my arms around his chest between his legs, hugging him. He is aroused and says sexily and lovingly, \"You're on my heaven. Let's get married.\" I say, sleepily or slowly, \"How about you stay here and work the claim for a year while I go away, and travel, and then I'll return and you travel for a year and I'll work the claim.\" He is deeply hurt and sad because that would mean we are apart. I feel a bit guilty about asking this. The scene shifts and I have chosen to run away. I go out into the desert and want to die. I lay down with dead beetles and a video camera and am going to wait until I dehydrate, but somehow I survive for years. Now a woman comes and says to me, \"I know you want to die, I'm sorry to bother you, but....\" and I say, \"No, I've decided not to die. Help me.\" She helps me back home to the claim. I am exhausted, dehydrated and older. I come into the house, which used to be a cabin he and I shared. Now there are children and babies of his, sleeping in beds, and lots of furniture. I am sad, but I am happy for him. He comes to me hesitantly. He still loves me deeply. I know I hurt him badly. I say, \"I do love you. I'm sorry I hurt you. Is it too late?\" He hugs me and I know we will be together." }, { "number": "2843", "head": "06/07/95", "content": "I live in an apartment which I apparently share with roomies. I am unhappy. Something has happened or I am wondering deeply what I should be doing with my life. I choose not to go to work or school or wherever I usually go on weekdays. I decide I need to drive to Dover, which means go visit Ginny. Bonnie comes in. I think maybe I'll go across the street and visit Derek, later. Bonnie and I go look for the kitchen. There are two complete kitchens next to each other. The back one is mine. I say to her, \"See, even if the roomies want to be cooking at the same time as us, we have our own kitchen.\" Bonnie likes that. I tell her I'm going to Dover. She leaves. For some reason I am hesitating and not leaving. I don't really want to go to Dover or to visit Derek and I do want to all at the same time. Now the house is crowded with roomies in the living room and I wonder where I can go to be alone. I find a back bedroom and go in. At first it is small and has a couch or two, not very pleasant. I then see there is more to it and follow it back to a comfortable sitting room with burgundy flounce curtains and a stereo speaker system that makes the music sound grand. I sit; it is nice. Then I decide to go see Derek. Maybe it will help. But I also don't want to go. Mateo goes with me. We drive to his corner and We get out and I realize there is a window display I'd never seen before, bottles with colored water in them. I see now I'm not at Derek's house; I'm a block too soon, on 14th and Ferry, not 15th and Ferry Street. I feel a bit silly to have made this mistake. We go back to get in the truck (pickup or VW bus) to drive to his house." }, { "number": "2844", "head": "06/13/95", "content": "I goof off and waste time on my way to a family reunion. As I get close, I see Charla sort of floating or climbing a fence. I want her to be with me, but she is busy playing and ignores me. I see a cousin who is leaving the reunion. I am surprised it is breaking up so soon. I'll have missed nearly all of it. I go in and see aunts, uncles, and cousins who are tired, annoyed and bored. They are getting ready to leave soon." }, { "number": "2845", "head": "06/13/95", "content": "Derek is laying on the ground, on his belly, up on his arms and I am laying on my back. We are just talking. Then he leans over me and kisses me. I am startled and pleased, but don't know quite what to do or think, because it was so clear this wasn't going to be a part of our relationship. I can't quite believe it all. I wait, hugging him slightly to see if this continues or if it was just a \"stray\" kiss. He continues, obviously now indicating we will be lovers." }, { "number": "2846", "head": "06/15/95", "content": "I receive my lover who had strong spiritual connections with me and had helped me open up so much. It is powerfully sexual and sensual. I suck on his penis, which pleasures him, which pleasures me. I decide not to let him come in my mouth. His penis is long and slim. He enters me and it is intensely pleasurable and soft and exciting. It's great sex." }, { "number": "2847", "head": "06/15/95", "content": "My mother is indifferent and insists I leave the house, even though I am in emotional shock from some event. I see a couple standing in a cold lake up to their chest. They are uncomfortable. I see another couple, fully dressed standing in a very hot lake. They are enjoying the hot tub-like feeling but XXX a picture book which requires the page to be placed in a machine so it projects the story like a movie. The lace curtains and the black velvet drapes keep getting in the way. The wind is blowing them toward the area I'm working. A man tries to help me. He's sort of a Michael Bolton fellow, but very shy. I tuck several of the lace curtains outside the open window and the strong wind sucks them out and I see them land on the lawn. We are on the second story floor. I see the wind blow one across the lawn. I call out, \"Oh, the curtains.\" The man goes down to retrieve them for me. As we are going down, he is very shy and nervous because as a shy man he's afraid to approach women, to date, so he's going to practice approaching the little girl. I say to him, \"You have your best friend with you (some other man) and I am a very good friend. You'll be all right.\" I feel a bit jealous because I am the mother of the girl and I want the man to like me." }, { "number": "2848", "head": "07/25/95", "content": "I am nervous and sitting on a toilet, having belly cramps. Rochelle is around asking me questions about why I act the way I do. I explain, something about getting nervous and needing to go to the bathroom. I see my mother and say something like, \"It's not like you ever taught us how to be emotionally intimate.\" Then I am spreading thick gobs of butter on already buttered toast. [BL]" }, { "number": "2849", "head": "08/13/95", "content": "I had been reading or watching a long story about this pioneer man and how he was so upset about the bad treatment of Indians. He wants to go out and fist fight every one who is calling him squaw man. But a woman says, \"Don't waste your energy. Ignore them.\" Now I am a woman and I walk up to a seated Indian man, who is wearing an 1890's kind of black jacket, like Wyatt Earp would have worn, white man's clothes. He's the foreman. He calls out the black woman I will have as a slave. He hands me the white, little plastic bag which has her documents in it. It's her \"freedom\" bag. I take it and hand it to her. I say, \"Elizabeth. I give you your freedom.\" She doesn't understand. She thinks I'm firing her and she'll be alone and poor. I say to her, \"You are your own woman now and I'd like to hire you. I will pay $6 a week.\" The Indian man shows me a picture. It has a bright spotlight in the center and a sidelight where he's standing. He says, \"I'm in the side light because I'm an Indian. I've always wanted to be in the center spotlight.\" I say to him, \"I understand. Believe it or not, I am in the sidelight too, because I'm a woman with a disability. We get the same kind of discrimination.\" [BL]" }, { "number": "2850", "head": "08/13/95", "content": "Sparky is mad at me and says, \"I'm just a two-bit friend because I have no talent. I write her a note. I want to be nice, but I also want to let her know what I think of her. I say, \"I like your work as an actress, but....\"" }, { "number": "2851", "head": "08/28/95", "content": "There are three groups. They are powerful. One is called Joseph (Or Joseph or Jo-Seth). There's something about having to change, move from one group to another." }, { "number": "2852", "head": "08/28/95", "content": "I get a phone call from a man trying to sell me a modem for my computer. The connection is very bad. I can barely hear him. The phone I hold has a round ring of lights that light up when it rings. A woman's voice says: \"Your phone is ringing. Please press 4.\" I may not have pressed the right button or something but the guy's voice keeps cutting out. He's a rude and insistent man. I say to him firmly, \"I'm not interested\" as well as a confused message that I can't hear him well or the connection is bad. He says, \"Shit,\" and tries to keep me on the line. I hang up on him, saying to my woman roommate, \"Boy, he sure isn't good at this.\" She says, \"Come out here and look at the flowers growing on the porch.\" I am annoyed. I'm very tired and sleepy and it's hard to walk, but she wants us to share some time together and the flowers are a way to do that. I allow her to push or lead me out, even though I don't really want to." }, { "number": "2853", "head": "08/28/95", "content": "A man with an odd face, like it has cake makeup or something on it, is intensely and single-mindedly attracted to me. I try to get away from him politely. He follows. He is a son of a king or a millionaire, but he acts goofy like an idiot. I am embarrassed by him and I'm also feeling sort of warm and attracted because of his vulnerability. He is so out there with his love for me. He pursues; I dodge; he persists. Later, there's a statement or question, \"How is it like to be a gangster?\" \"They both have leading hose and bands.\" He also has a father who is just like him who is attracted to an older woman, perhaps my mother. He intensely woos her. He also tells his son that it may be too late. He (the son) may have failed his mission, which was to convince a general to give him armies and so on so they could defend their kingdom. I want to help him as he's almost got the general convinced. We could still do it." }, { "number": "2854", "head": "08/29/95", "content": "I am working for MIUSA. We are at a camp someplace. A woman with CP wants to show me something. We walk up a long rickety flight of stairs at the back of a building, go in, and walk down another flight, go across the building and out the door. She trips several times, nearly falling. She is very happy because she's been given permission to adopt a young disabled girl. She's taking me to see her. I haven't a clue why we had to go through that empty barn first. Now I'm leaving. The camp trip is over and I get a gift box sent in the mail. I open it. It's from the crew at the Forest Department. I had stayed at their office building and they so enjoyed my charming personality they wanted to give me a gift. I am very touched. It's a large logging truck, but no logs, just little cubicles to put cute little miniature knickknacks in. It is filled with little things. Behind it is a knickknack holder in the shape of a doll house and had oodles of miniature furniture and things in it. I'm very pleased. Now someone comes in with bad news to tell me. Charla comes in and sits on my lap. She is very sad. I ask her what happened. She says, \"Henry the 16th has died.\" I at first don't remember who that is. Then I remember it is my daughter Ellie's good friend that Charla loved so much she named her kitten after her. I rock Charla, being soothing and also thinking, \"Well, I thought the bad news was going to be bigger than that, maybe a national tragedy.\" I am a bit let down. Some other counselor comes up to say goodbye and we talk about the young woman with CP. I say, \"It's so amazing. Here she can barely walk across the room without hurting herself and yet she has just the right loving skills to help her adopted child. It's a beautiful contradiction." }, { "number": "2855", "head": "08/30/95", "content": "Derek and I are returned from someplace. He has taken me home and he comes over to hug me and slowly the hug evolves into us making love, only it never is acknowledged we are making love. He lies on me with his back to me and sneaks his penis into me backwards. It is not hard, but the catheter tube helps it feel hard and it is a good sexual feeling. I lightly touch him on his bare shoulders and sometimes sneak a kiss on his neck or shoulder. Charla is nearby. I don't want her to see us and know we are making love. It is not appropriate and OK for her to know this/see this. Then he begins to move back and forth quickly and he has had an orgasm. That is very unusual for him, as he is a para. He sighs, relieved. I tenderly lie with him. I'm not sure if I had an orgasm or not." }, { "number": "2856", "head": "08/30/95", "content": "The virgin experience is exquisite." }, { "number": "2857", "head": "08/30/95", "content": "I have moved to another house and visit my old house, which now is lived in by Harriet. I see the Saturday newspaper on the porch and I say to her, \"I'll take the paper.\" I pick it up and start to leave. I then realize that it is her paper. She pays for it. So I go back and give it to her, apologizing. I just wasn't thinking. Now I am going to my new place and I go through the college. I ask directions and the young woman says, \"You go to the back of the building, take the elevator up to the 4th floor, and then return to the 3rd floor.\" It seemed an odd, out of the way to go and I only have three minutes to do it in. I start to run, but it is very difficult for me. I end up laying on the sidewalk, pulling myself along. I struggle. I know I won't make it. I'm not sure which path through the fair will get me there the quickest. Some paths meander or dead end. I find a sign and hear circus music and follow that. I get to the elevator area, but now there is a man I am in relationship with and he is playful and loving and wants to have fun and make love, and I laugh and say I have to do these things. I think I am picking up clothes and cleaning things. A little girl like Charla is around somewhere. It will be fun to get the work done and relax into the lovingness of my partner. I look forward to it. He is very desirous of me letting go of the work now and just having fun with him. There are tough guys like bikers somewhere in the background. They like me too." }, { "number": "2858", "head": "09/12/95", "content": "A man is talking to me. We are in a space where there is a double bed and an empty bookshelf, with old newspapers covering it up. I decide to go to bed and I crawl up the shelves and claw my way through the old newspapers to get to the shelf. I have a hard time, but finally get curled up on a shelf. It is uncomfortable. I cover myself with the newspapers, which look like the magazine pages for my collage art. The man is in the bed and he wants to get up and get something and apologizes to me for not being covered. I see his penis as he bends down to get something. He wants to know why I don't come to bed where it's more comfortable. I explain that Howard had been there so long that I'd gotten used to sleeping up on the shelf. It was better that way than be with Howard. I realize that I'd rather be in the bed even though this strange man is there and start to get off the shelf to go to bed. We'll just have to work out our relationship with each other after I get there." }, { "number": "2859", "head": "09/20/95", "content": "I am seated on a stone staircase in a huge palace. It is near the bottom stair. Derek and another woman are tickling and giggling over in a corner. I am smiling and feeling good about being who I am and not jealous or bothered by their play. Now I get up and walk back unexpectedly into my bedroom. I find Derek and the woman there making love in the bed, only I don't really see the woman, just Derek, fully clothed lying sideways on my single bed. I am furious and tell him off and spin on my heel to leave. He says, \"No, please. Stay and talk with me.\" I laugh angrily and walk out. I want to walk off my anger by going as fast as I can up the staircase until I have gone as far and as high as I can go in this stone palace. I walk and walk until there is a huge stone wall or boulder stopping me. I peek in a crevasse or crack and can't see anything. Then there is an earthquake and everything around me falls until I am alone on a high, thin sliver of rock left from the palace. Then the scene shifts and the earthquake didn't happen and I am on the stairs and decide to retrace my steps down. A guard finds me and he's going to show me the way out, only now he takes me to the sultan's private quarters. I am impressed. I see women and one has a baby and she lets me hold it. While I am holding it, it relaxes and takes a nap. The sultan is near and I'm not sure if it's him or not, but bow and say, \"Your highness,\" just in case. He and his wife are introduced to me. He kisses my hand and I see his fat, double-chinned face and his fat lips. He kisses me several times. He seems to like me. I go back to where the women are and return the sleeping baby and follow the guard out, only to find myself suddenly led into the harem and I realize I've been tricked. He intends to keep me forever." }, { "number": "2860", "head": "09/25/95", "content": "I am in the back seat of a car. My brother Jake is with me. My father is driving. I am looking out the right side window (like a child might) and I see a dropoff. It's pretty, with snow, but a steep dropoff. I look to my father. I see we're on a gravel/dirt road. I tell him he's driving too close to the edge. It's dangerous. He laughs and deliberately jerks the wheel so we are even closer. I am annoyed. We drive through town. It does not look familiar, but yet it is my town. We are going to a nursing home to visit \"Aunt Marya.\" When we get there, I realize we're at an ice rink. I say, \"Hey, I thought we were going to a nursing home to see Aunt Marya.\" She walks by, a very old woman, and I feel embarrassed she heard me because she obviously doesn't need a nursing home. I've insulted her. Someone says, \"Let's play ice hockey.\" \"Right!\" I say. \"So is the ice rink wheelchair accessible?\" I was sarcastic. Now I see Aunt Millie and Lydia. I am very excited and happy to see Aunt Millie. We all now have on ice skates. Aunt Millie is on my left and Lydia on my right, supporting me as I fumble and slip. We get on the ice, but the ice is really crowded with people and cafe tables and chairs. There are rectangular cuts of ice where the ice is chips and there is water under it. I must avoid all these obstacles. In addition, at the far right end is a heated swimming pool, and it's hard to avoid sliding right into it. But I manage and now I'm skating alone and Millie and Lydia are seated watching me as I come around. They smile and applaud. I feel quite accomplished now and gather up speed. More rectangular cuts are made and the ice is incredibly chopped up, and yet I continue to skate well." }, { "number": "2861", "head": "09/28/95", "content": "I am swimming across a milky glacier-like lake. My hands and arms are straight and powerful. I am impressed with how easily I am doing this without getting tired or scared. I notice my legs are not moving, so I try and use them too. It is a bit awkward. I get out on the other side. Ernie and Ginny are coming over. I notice I'd better be on my toes and do things right if Ernie is around. I mail a letter. Later, he has a letter to be mailed, but it doesn't have a stamp on it. I help Ginny get a stamp on it." }, { "number": "2862", "head": "09/28/95", "content": "I want to change my clothes, so I go down a series of flights of stairs to a room where I had stored some clothes. I walk in to see a couple on the floor almost starting to make love. They stop abruptly at my entrance. I smile and say, \"Just a moment. Sorry. I need to get some clothes.\" They smile and say, \"No problem,\" but of course I know they can't wait for me to leave so they can get on with it. I open drawer after drawer and can only find summery clothes from Mexico, gauzy material, bright colors, a bit revealing and sexy. I am aware I am too fat to wear them. I check the next chest of drawers and find them full of papers and Kodak film boxes, nothing to wear. Oh well. Now it is time to leave, and at the last minute I decide to clean up some mess I've left -- paper scraps, some tiny knitted or crocheted stocking hats, tiny yarn doll bodies and so on. Now I leave the room, thinking I should probably take the one chest of drawers that is mine and its contents back up to where I was. I feel tired and decide not to. I don't need that stuff anyway. The couple is very glad I'm leaving, but pretending to be polite. I say as I walk out the door, \"I'm not stupid, you know.\" They grin. (I think there were mentally retarded people upstairs I was working with.)" }, { "number": "2863", "head": "09/28/95", "content": "I have a personal assistant named Mary who is mentally retarded, short and chubby. She keeps talking all the time and doing things wrong, like holding the shampoo bottle upside down and not noticing the shampoo is running out all over her clothes. I ask her to help me take a bath. I am in the tub in my clothes, she has gotten my wallet wet and is trying to fix it and she is nonstop talking. I finally say to her, \"Damn it, Mary, you're fired. I know you mean well and you're a hard worker, but you keep making mistakes.\" She gets in the tub with me and is trying hard to convince me not to fire her. I insist she get out. Finally I call Nancy in, who is visiting. She and Charlene are out in the living room talking. I explain to Nancy why I'm firing Mary and ask her to get her out of my tub. Nancy says, \"OK,\" gets her out and then says, \"I'm not the one to be telling this to.\" I agree, saying, \"Sorry, I guess I was just ventilating.\" I wonder if this was such great timing, firing her when I was in the tub, a vulnerable spot for me. I also feel a bit concerned because now I have to find someone else. Maybe Charlene will work for me again. I think, \"After all, she's been volunteering here for a while, so maybe she's got time again and wouldn't mind making $6 an hour.\" She is telling Nancy she just got one of her plays produced." }, { "number": "2864", "head": "10/17/95", "content": "I am being forced to marry a man by some irresistible force, possibly alien or spiritual. I try to escape. I do not want to be married. I don't even know the man. I get in an elevator and it starts to go sideways across University campus to the site of the wedding. I try to stay in the elevator but I am forced out, by some force I cannot see. There is no escape. I am now in a wedding dress, the wedding party is there and it is happening even as I fight it. I feel powerless. I don't want traditional marriage. It sets women back generations." }, { "number": "2865", "head": "10/17/95", "content": "I am at some shop and notice a house next door. Many Asian and colored people are going in, many of them very distinctively dressed in costumes that are highly colorful, quilted or poofy and ornate. It's a church of some kind. I go over and lean on the fence in front of the house to watch. Now members of the church are tossing some of the people out over the balcony, some of them dropping or falling three stories. I am concerned that they will be hurt with broken bones, but they are not. These members are being ritually thrown out or rejected. Now Dora joins me. I want to take pictures, but I am out of film. I take an iron and smooth out a rectangle of sawdust, the medium used to take pictures with, even though I know it won't do any good. Now Dwight comes up and says, \"Come on, we're all going now to pick out a present I'll buy for each of you.\" I say, \"Great, but not right now, because I want to see this.\" He leaves. I continue watching. A few minutes later, Dora and I go to find Dwight. Maybe it's too late to get our gift. Dora shows me an ornate decorated cake she made for the contest. It has sort of a blue ribbon design on it. I say, \"It's very pretty.\" I don't find Dwight." }, { "number": "2866", "head": "10/17/95", "content": "I am seated next to a Doctor that looks like the preacher that married Melvin. I say to him, \"You know, just recently I was experimenting with Euphoria and someone gave me a pill called 'Think.' What is your opinion on this?\" Supposedly it was supposed to enhance the euphoria. I wasn't sure." }, { "number": "2867", "head": "10/19/95", "content": "I am talking to a man about how crazy making it is to work in crowded conditions. I tell him about registration at the community college and how each year it got more crowded. I see Tyler telling Charlene one of his stories and smile because I know she has heard it many times. I wonder if she will just stoically listen or what. She finally interrupts him and says she has heard it before. She leaves and he smiles sheepishly. Now the man comes into my bedroom. I think I am rooming in his house. His son is upstairs. He is a quad and the man is crying as he tells me that today the assistant can't come today and he will have to be left alone. I offer to call in sick at work and stay to help him, but it would mean moving him downstairs and I couldn't transfer him. The man is grateful. [BL]" }, { "number": "2868", "head": "10/19/95", "content": "I am the head resident of a sorority and we are having a party. I am dressed up in a lovely long skirt and blouse. I walk up the flowing stairs and around watching. Now the men are arriving. Someone says, \"Oh, oh. It isn't good to just open the dance to any man off the street.\" I see quite a crowd of them streaming in. They are rowdy and I am more busy being vigilant. I go to my quarters and get the key to the front door from my purse and hide my purse and then put the key in my pocket. Now Anddrea comes in and a shy young man named Ted. Andrea begins to work with him as a counselor. There is an audience of students watching. He is shy and we both encourage him to tell his dream. Andrea lays down next to him talking in soothing accents. He begins to tell the dream and then interrupts himself and says, \"Oh, I get it. The answer is money. I need to make lots of money with my writing.\" Some man smiles and gently shakes his head no." }, { "number": "2869", "head": "10/20/95", "content": "I am going back to school to take a class. I can't seem to find the class I want to take. I wander around the buildings. Now I am in a class, a sort of business class. Another student, a woman, and I are a team. She is to place a box on the floor in the exact position as in the book. I notice that no matter where we place it, it's not quite right on the bottom side. I try adjusting my position to see if it makes a difference. Someone says I have excellent spatial perception. I am surprised because I don't, usually. I decide this is a boring class and wander around noticing other classes. I pass the animal biology classes and don't like them. I find myself in the film media classes, big classes lots of students, cute instructors. I am interested. I decide I'll get into one of those. Now I want to go home, but I can't find an exit door that works. Two men students follow me upstairs and try to open conversation. I ask them how to get out. They take me back downstairs, which is hard in my manual wheelchair. They are impressed with me and say they have a room I could rent in their boarding house. I say, \"I've already got one, thanks.\" I finally get out and head home. A piano tuner is tuning the old square like piano I had found in the basement for me and it has been moved up to the living room. The landlady gives me and my male friend a lecture about being always late for meals and we will get cold meals if we keep this up. I look outside and see my small brother, maybe 5 years old, wandering away toward the big lake. I am concerned and run after him to retrieve him. I see him get into a rowboat with several other boys and head out for deep water. I tell my younger sister she must go back and tell my father and get help. She cries that she is afraid she will lose her way and not know the turns. I grab her by the shoulders and say with confidence, \"You are a smart girl. You will know the right way.\" She goes. I run across the rice paddy-like area, then over the beach sand and then into the water. Just then I see the small plastic rowboat and yank my brother out of it after some confusion about which one was my brother. I give him what for, lecturing him at how surprised I was that he would not heed our dead mother's words about always being honest. Other people come to retrieve their little boys and I learn they had been going around begging for money and collecting some. I am handed some plastic spoons as his share of the take. I want to return it to the rightful owners, but have no way to do so so. I walk my brother back toward home, continuing to say I am so surprised at him. He cries and I hug him saying, \"But now you learned a lesson and won't do it again." }, { "number": "2870", "head": "10/20/95", "content": "I am walking what I thought was a short distance, but it keeps going on and on. I decide to take my van and drive and drive, never finding my destination." }, { "number": "2871", "head": "10/21/95", "content": "I am holding a huge tiger by the tail. In order to save myself from it, I am smashing (I typed \"myself\" instead of tiger) the tiger against a wall or a tree. Over and over I smash it, until its head is inviscerated, an empty shell. I am exhausted." }, { "number": "2872", "head": "10/21/95", "content": "A woman is dating the principal of a school. He is coordinating or producing some kind of talent show. She is sort of cool or taking him for granted. Another woman comes in, short, tightly curled black hair, very sexy in a silky, black, short dress. He is very attracted to her and the first woman gets a bit jealous. The sexy woman looks down and notices her breasts are exposed. She pulls the black jacket, a man's jacket, up around her to cover herself. She still looks sexy. She's interested in the man, and wanders around his school room looking at things on the desk and walls, so she can get a feeling for who he is. There are lots of pictures he drew that make her think he's an architect because all the forms are separated out like on a schematic. Later, I see some of the talent acts doing their thing, but the school desk is in the way of the camera and he has to decide to do it again or not. He wants it to be a good job, so he begins again. Now I am a woman and I notice he has given to the first woman some gifts in a plastic bag. One of the gifts is a small diary with the name Barb Sanders written on the cover. I wonder if he gave her my book which I gave him. That doesn't feel good. I leaf through it, feeling guilty I'm spying. Then I see many black velvet wrist watches all over my left arm. I suddenly realize that back in 1986 when I traveled to Russia with MIUSA that everyone wanted to not wear their watches because in the late afternoon it was hot and humid, so I agreed to hold them for them, and I accidentally didn't get them returned. I feel bad, but it's too late now. The first woman tries on a couple of them she likes." }, { "number": "2873", "head": "10/22/95", "content": "Two men and I are traveling to T City to visit Dora again. I had visited lately and it was very enjoyable. The one man is sort of Derek but is sort of Kyle, but I call him Dwight, although it seems to me his name may be something else. The other man is his younger brother and is pretty much Kyle's younger brother, the one that molested Charla. I ask what vehicle we are in and he says it's their Dad's vacation camper. It is a square box-like thing with tiny kitchen appliances. I try to explain how to get to Dora's new place, called Paradise Cove, but I can't remember, so I am trying to read the maps. I can't seem to find T City on the map and I try repeatedly. Now the younger brother says, \"I'm exhausted from driving; it has cramped me up,\" and I look at the other brother who says, \"I can't, I'm too tired.\" I say, \"Maybe I can, is it power steering and brakes?\" \"Yes.\" I try to steer, but it is a small crank handle and isn't very responsive. We are getting nowhere fast." }, { "number": "2874", "head": "10/22/95", "content": "Ethan comes to my bedroom. He is a tired, older man, sad and lonely. His wife doesn't understand him. I have two girls, one maybe five and one a baby, who romp energetically around on the bed as Ethan tries to get on my bed and tries to make me feel sorry for him so I'll go with him. I'm not going." }, { "number": "2875", "head": "10/22/95", "content": "I am working for a company where you play water sport games and that lets the officers know who to promote and who will be good leaders and workers. I play good and hard. I am approved. Now we go into a buffet where the food choices are endless and bountiful. I am filling my plate with breads and pretzels and I'm looking over the vegetable tray but I don't choose anything. I wonder how I'll be able to eat all this food. I seem to choose only the things I usually eat." }, { "number": "2876", "head": "10/24/95", "content": "Archie comes to me and wants me to dance with his group again. I tell him this woman director has been working with me and I'll go with her. He is jealous and upset. Oh well. I move on." }, { "number": "2877", "head": "10/24/95", "content": "Theresa/Cherokee is driving a pickup and I am the passenger. I see us driving very fast across the canyon to get to the event. We overslept. I see her dark hair very clearly; she is vibrant and pretty. I see my gray hair. Now I arrive with my little girl. We'd been in such a rush we hadn't taken time to eat breakfast or take my pills. I walk, holding the girl in my arms. I find my yellow pill box and take the pills, only the vitamin, the calcium, and the hormones. I put them aside, sort of checking if I had enough to make it through the stay. Now I see the group, singing is over and someone already moved the pickup. I am looking for some breakfast. I choose the left hall and open a door to see a smoke-filled room with an annoyed woman in it. I apologize because I hadn't realized this was now someone's private living quarters. I now go down the hall on the right. I see an Indian woman who gives me $1.10 in tokens as I can't find my purse. I assure her I'll pay her back. She says, \"Go to the farmer's wife. She still has breakfast.\" I say, \"Is this enough money?\" She smiles at my concern. I find the farmer's wife and am asking the girl what she would like to eat. The girl isn't particularly interested in any of my suggestions." }, { "number": "2878", "head": "10/31/95", "content": "I am in some mad nightmare where tremendous forces of hate and violence are coming at me and I must fight it off by sending back blasts of intense love. People come at me, wanting to kill me and I send back intense love, trying not to succumb to the hate and violence. It is pretty overwhelming." }, { "number": "2879", "head": "10/31/95", "content": "Michael J Fox is a split or multiple personality. I am his sister, who may be a part of his madness. He and another male part merge. It becomes obvious that he desperately needs to be around me and maybe merge with me too, but the merge could mean my death. He's relentlessly coming after me. As he is about to merge with me, I wake up with a massive irregular heart beat problem. It takes a moment before it evens out (that part is real and not just the dream)." }, { "number": "2880", "head": "10/31/95", "content": "Darcy is trying to sneak into my father's car to use it to go somewhere. My father and I are nearby and ask her what she thinks she's doing, like we caught her red-handed. She explains she wants to go and talk to a girl who was sexually abused and explain to her that it's OK to tell people. She didn't know that when it happened to her and wants to encourage the girl. I feel bad I was so negative and suspicious of her and say shyly, \"I wish you would talk about it more to me. I'd like to know more.\" She is friendly, but somehow avoids telling me anything. Now I want to go see an old wooden sidewalk I used to walk as a child. I find it and walk it to the end and admire the wooden panels folded up at the end. The wood is beautiful. Now a bunch of people are there and I am telling the man operator of the sidewalk my story of how we'd come here to meet my father and then go swim (my brother and me) off the end of the sidewalk. This was somewhere near N City. It was a happy, nostalgic memory and the people are all gladdened to hear it. They want to videotape the cute story for publicity. I let them. Later I'm asking my mother what my father wants for his birthday present. She shows me pies and cakes and finally some chocolate fudge. I choose the fudge, it's easier to take along. Darcy gives him a cute child's video with mermaids on the cover. I had given him one entitled \"Bambi's King\" or something like that. It had a sweet cover of lots of little girl mermaids seated around. He is very happy and I ask him, \"Why the mermaids?\" He says the photo reminds him of a group of women campers and he wants to use the photo to create some photo story of a past happy event." }, { "number": "2881", "head": "10/31/95", "content": "I am a beautiful young woman like Audrey Hepburn, in a basic black dress, black heels and all the men watch me as I walk with grace and elegant beauty. Women are in a line and going down a steep cement stairway, no sides or rails. We then step into the water, which is thigh deep. We each come to a small water faucet like fountain and bend and take a drink. It is some ritual. As it is my turn, I see an old woman sneak in and take my turn. I graciously let her, even holding down the push button to let the water flow. Then I bend to take my drink. The woman whose turn would be next shoves me away saying, \"I gave up my turn when I let the old woman drink.\" I disagree and try to take my drink. She keeps shoving me, so I turn and fight her, socking her in the face and knocking her down. The watching men really like and admire my feisty attitude. But the woman, her name is Betty, hates me now and keeps relentlessly coming after me. I fight her again and escape to my small black convertible sports car. She chases me through the city streets. Finally I outfox her by turning into a very narrow alley between two huge stone houses. It is a steep incline. Betty is driving a big car so she doesn't fit. Now she has friends and is walking down toward me. I tap on the small ancient glass windows, but no one responds. I pick up my black cellular phone and call 911. Sympathetic cops ask where I am and I try to describe it, then I drive away and Betty still pursues. My roads are disappearing; then I have to drive up a dirt hill, and then a sand-filled, half paved road where construction is going on. I can't seem to find a main road to get back to the city. Lots of water is pouring down on one sandy road like they are constructing stuff." }, { "number": "2882", "head": "11/01/95", "content": "I am in an airplane going home and am traveling with a disabled man. We somehow find or went to look at property that could be a nice place for him to live and an OK investment. Somehow the plane returns and we get off and agree and sign papers to buy this property, and now we are flying home. A man like Loren C. comes out of a room, sleepy like he just woke up and he is shivering. He greets a tall, sharp-faced man who looks like John, my therapist. He calls him \"Omni\" as in Omnipotent, the leader, a joke. Loren says he didn't realize the cabin they bought was so primitive and cold. He is unhappy with recent purchase. I am startled to realize I bought some property also. It is so isolated and out in the eastern Washington high desert. What was I thinking? \"John\" sits next to me and says, \"Can you love me?\" He is in love with me. I smile and say, \"I like you.\" He has his shirt off and puts his arm around me. We kiss and then he says, \"I see, you don't love me.\" The kiss was very uninteresting and neutral. He will wait, hoping. We arrive back. I am looking at a bunch of map- like papers he gave me. I decide I will visit him, since on the paper is a sort of puzzle where when you read the words he asks me to visit his home. But I can't figure out where it is, somewhere in Washington. Later, Loren won't talk to me as he's mad because he doesn't like the property. I am about to leave and he calls me over to smile and say it's not your fault I had different expectations. I thank him for telling me that. I feel relieved of my guilt. The scene shifts and I've built a beautiful home on the property, which has a river on it. My bedroom is partly submerged in the river, built with Plexiglas corner so I can see the river life underneath. I wake up, afraid for a moment because some huge-eyed thing is staring at me through the glass. After my fright, I appreciate the beauty of this view. John is in the other room and somehow I know we are a mere ten miles from a big city, even though I am out there in the boondocks." }, { "number": "2883", "head": "11/02/95", "content": "I am in a spaceship that is trapped out there. An alien is working with Capt. Janeway to help set up a beam out transporter situation for our rescue. We go through maybe three or four different beam outs that feel weird and are risky. We end up safely back on earth." }, { "number": "2884", "head": "11/02/95", "content": "I am sitting on a small back porch up a flight of stairs. From my place, I can safely watch the bull riding events. One Brahma bull is mad as hell and his hair knot on his back stands straight up. He's running through the crowd and nearly getting people. Now a bull rider is on him and a cowboy on a horse. I trying to rope him. I am amazed that two events are being done simultaneously. Now the bull rider, a very charming, good-looking man, is walking toward the house. He is talking with his pal. I watch as he almost decides to go up my back stairs, then turns and goes back around to the front door. I am going to make a pudding and ask my father to bring me a mixer. Now another good-looking cowboy comes up my back stairs. He is Rod Taylor. He stops to flirt and chat. He talks about his pain and I tell him I have RA. We talk happily, obviously flirting and liking each other. He asks me if I always stay up here, and I say mostly. I'm not stupid. If I was down in the crowd, I could get hurt and not see so well. He is mixing up some pain relief balm that smells good. We are very attracted to each other, a promising love affair." }, { "number": "2885", "head": "11/07/95", "content": "Ellie is going to do a strip tease in a contest. She's the first one up. She is 200 lbs. and confident. She gets up on the platform, which is a rickety series of platforms. She begins. I call to Ginny, who is in the other room trying to phone her husband. I save her a seat. There are lots of college kids on bleachers, then my wheelchair and one armchair. I stand up in the armchair and Ginny sits in the wheelchair. I feel a bit embarrassed for Ellie because she's so fat and so enthusiastically naive. But she's doing OK. The crowd is very quiet and nonresponsive. In the middle of her strip, her platforms shift and she falls between two of them with one leg. It throws her off a bit, but she comes back, very plucky, to try again, I can see the platforms are very precarious. She tries again and quickly slips again. This time she lands on the floor on her back, breaking a small drawer. She lays there, annoyed.The crowd is curiously noncaring. I call out, \"Are you all right?\" She says, \"Yeah, but it's over.\" The next fat woman comes out. I notice she is pretty, as was Ellie, even though very fat." }, { "number": "2886", "head": "11/07/95", "content": "Howard wants me to go with him and read a sexy children's book. He hopes to get me aroused so we can have sex. I would like to do sex, but as soon as he's in the picture, everything shuts down in disgust. Later I pass a medical test which proves I have quick and normal arousal responses, but it's quickly interrupted by a shut down because of Howard. The test also confirms I am heterosexual, very heterosexual. Later, I am visiting Ginny and trying to take my pills and have breakfast. I'm having a hard time." }, { "number": "2887", "head": "11/08/95", "content": "I see a child, possibly Charla, going to school and realize a man with a gun is there in the crowd to harm the children. I am outraged and run through the crowd and hit him from behind, knocking him down and taking his shotgun. He gets up and runs, then turns and has a bazooka. He aims at me as I aim at him. We fire at the same time. I see the blue ball of fire and duck, so it only grazes my side. He is hit, but does not fall. We fire again and again. He walks toward me until I fire point blank into his belly. He finally dies. I am rewarded by being given the powers of a fairy. I am full-sized and me, but now I have cute wings and sparkle dust. I can fly and turn invisible. So I decide to get rid of all the nuclear weapons in the world. I decide to remove the nuclear waste buried in Washington on the reservation. I fly there, go invisible and cause all those barrels of radioactive material out billions of miles into outer space, being sure that it isn't on a path that will eventually drift into a planet and cause harm. I then must retreat as the men are looking for me. I try to fly away and realize this was a huge job and I am exhausted, my powers temporarily depleted. I can't turn invisible so I hide and wait for my powers to return, so I can take on the next nuclear task." }, { "number": "2888", "head": "11/10/95", "content": "I am a young Eleanor Roosevelt, my waist is slimming down, my pairs of thick glasses are the buttons I close my waist band with. My new husband notices I am looking more pretty and desirable. I go to take a bath and realize I have no privacy now, as it is the White House. The door to the bathroom is open and people could walk through. I realize I am naive and have much I should lean, so I don't accidentally embarrass the presidency. I try to gather up my pills that fell into the bathtub. Now I am picking up my things and see that a box of children's books aren't mine. Oliver North/Jerome sits behind me. He is called Colneral. He is dishonest and feels bad about it." }, { "number": "2889", "head": "11/14/95", "content": "I think I had been ill and am recovering. I want Charla to go to the Publications Dept. again and get me some copies of pictures of specific notables like Deepak Chopra and Dr. Spock and so on. I decide at the last moment to go with her. I'd just gotten my hair cut and it is brown and the bangs are curly. So I follow her out to the hall and we get the elevator. We get in and Charla, the little girl in the TV movie last night, who is precocious and has temper tantrums. She sees a backpack on the floor and says its her mommy's. Then she orders a few things off the back wall shelves. The attendant gets them for her; it's like a store. She had earned a few dimes during my illness running errands. The elevator goes up for a long time and then it goes straight like a car on an old road. The attendant says the department is now in the Brown Building downtown. I am quite surprised and think this is a good way to get a free ride downtown when I want to run errands. I'll just pretend I'm going to the Publications Dept. We get to a hallway. On the left wall are signs. The first one says \"October Games Free Software Month.\" The next one says \"Las Prunes Month.\" We get to the department and we go in. I say to a woman clerk, \"I'd like Xerox copies of some pictures...\" and she interrupts, \"Now there's the problem. You have to pay for those copies and the person you pay is not here. He is on duty...\" and she lists three times. I suggest we try and locate the pictures and then later I'd come back and make copies. I am annoyed. Earlier I was a bit amazed at how far the ride had been and a bit chagrined I'd sent the little girl there for errands so often." }, { "number": "2890", "head": "12/08/95", "content": "Richard R is inviting me to a snazzy party and is giving me directions to get there. It's not far away, but the directions seem complicated: four right turns in a row. I say, \"But that depends on where the right turns start. I notice M. Street is right outside my door. I am wearing a blouse and no bra and the nipple of one breast peeks out. I try to cover it up. Now he decides to show me how to get there and we go out. I would go straight on M. Street but he points out ugly construction. That is terrible to go through construction, so he says, \"We'll take this turn and take the shortcut.\" We are on a gravel road and I realize we'd made a turn and I didn't note the name of the corner or a landmark. How will I find my way again? But we are there now, and lots of round tables are set up with place settings and name tags and little gifts for each person. He says, \"Remember, your place is _______,\" something that starts with a C. I wander around the crowded area looking for my spot. I finally find it way in the back, where it's the hardest to get to. I smile at the irony. Of course it would be so. But I have several books there waiting for me, special gifts. A woman is jealous. Now I am home and a young woman named Theresa and Richard R (now a woman) have a heavy discussion. Richard is the woman's daughter that gave the party. The mother is gravely ill. Theresa was adopted when she was in the 7th grade and the mother and she really talk and understand each other well. It is a good loving relationship and Richard is jealous, as he is the real blood daughter, but it isn't as deep or loving for him. Now a man named Larry (like Raul) comes in all intense and jovial and charming. I like him and want him to stay. He sees Theresa (now called Amy) and the mother at my house and sighs. He'd rather avoid them because it is such an emotional drain on him as he takes the clown caring role to cheer them up. He goes in to do that, as their brother is ill with AIDS and they are worried about him. I say to Larry as he comes out, \"Where are you going?\" He says, \"Off to a summer vacation spot to have fun.\" I tell him I feel sadness for him as I wonder whose shoulder he cries on. Who takes care of him? He keeps me at a emotional distance and rushes away quickly." }, { "number": "2891", "head": "01/04/96", "content": "I, the dreamer, is watching a scene. I seem to identify with the married man. A woman and a man get married after a short, but loving, courtship. Soon after they are married, they begin to have misunderstandings and fights. They are always angry at each other and can't seem to reconcile it. They are miserable, yet they love each other. There is another man, an architect, who loves the woman and she goes to visit him. The jealous husband, who has another kind of career, follows her and comes into the house. The two men talk. The husband is angry and belligerent, but after a while the other man begins to understand that the husband is a good man, but hurt. So he helps the husband understand, and brings the woman and the husband back together, even though he still loves her. But now he is best friends with the husband and cares as much for him. The husband and the woman go out to the car to drive home when the woman's parents come to get in the back seat. They are argumentative and negative at the husband, who in his new-found understanding, doesn't tolerate it anymore. He tells them to shut up. The woman at first is upset and then understands that is right. She smiles at the husband. [BL]" }, { "number": "2892", "head": "01/06/96", "content": "I am in a class, maybe writing class. A woman is setting up some sort of conference. She is taking special interest in making me comfortable. She gives me a notebook and papers and a candle and a potted plant and other amenities. I gather them up one by one with Charla's help and take them to my desk, but it takes up two desks worth of room. I'm the only one this is permitted with. Now it's time to go to the first activity. I get on a sailboat she is trying to drive. At first it won't budge from the dock, but then as she turns the wheel around and around. It starts to go, but the channel is very obstructed with things like wooden boxes and so on. We bump our way through them, she turning the wheel sharply from one end to the other. It fairly spun in her hands. We get off and walk down a path to a house. Inside the ceremonies are beginning. Each person has special duties or tasks to do. One man is reading a religious paper. Someone asks me, Where's my copy?\" I say, \"Oh, I left it on my desk. I already read it.\" Then I feel like I would like to join in with the man, reciting passages with him, but don't have my copy. Then a man in a wheelchair dressed in drag comes in. His mother tells him to go on back out and continue with the activity. He takes his black, curly wig off. He is partially bald. He feels a little silly dressed in women's clothes." }, { "number": "2893", "head": "01/07/96", "content": "A married couple are fighting. The man is cold and selfish. The woman may be Asian. I see a baby, their baby, fall off a high dock into an ocean. I am afraid for the baby. The mother sees it too and dives quickly off the dock into the waters. His granny did too, but she's more hindrance than help. I feel dread and fear as I hope I don't have to witness the drowning of this baby, and there is not a thing I can do to help. I watch as the mother strongly swims over to him and saves him, then let's him float underwater, teaching him to swim, so if this happens again, he will be safe. I am anxious and want her to bring the baby up to safe, dry land right now, but I realize her strategy is best." }, { "number": "2894", "head": "01/07/96", "content": "A rather stupid, lanky man is asking me questions. I hold a package with a small plastic bag of white beads in it. It is a beading kit. He asks me what the words on the package says. I say, \"Stretched string beads.\" He asks how many beads there are. Are there enough to bead a whole shirt? I answer gruffly, \"How would I know? It doesn't say.\" I am annoyed with his attitude and questions. The man says, \"Why don't you lighten up?\" I realize I am being sharp and grumpy, but I say, \"Because I don't want to,\" which is true. This IS the way I feel and I don't want to change it right now. [BL]" }, { "number": "2895", "head": "01/07/96", "content": "I am in the M City house, sleeping in my bedroom. I open my eyes and see my \"dad\" walking up to my open bedroom door. He is tall and lanky like Nate. He is so tall, his head is above the doorjamb. I feel fear. He is going to harass me. He then walks down the stairs to go to the bathroom. I sneak out of my room and run into my brother's room (actually the room my parents had). I crawl under the covers with one of my brothers trying to hurriedly pull up the covers over me. He's coming back up the stairs and I know a part of my shoulder may be visible. I know this won't work and I'll probably got my brothers in trouble too, but I stay there. He comes in and looks around. I think he sees me, but lets me be. He leaves. I go quickly back into my bedroom to the closet to try and change clothes before he comes back. As I pull a dress off a hanger, I am standing in the closet, which seems to have lots of room. A weird-looking girl comes and watches me. I tell her to go away. I pull on my dress, which I wonder if it is too fancy and will call attention to myself. I go downstairs to the kitchen where my mother is fixing French toast for breakfast. She wants me to do something and is grumpy. [BL]" }, { "number": "2896", "head": "01/08/96", "content": "I am in a world where everyone else are aliens in human bodies like in the Body Snatchers. I can trust no one. Everyone else is emotionless and ready to get me. I run, driving my car. This goes on for a long time. Now I am staying at some man's house. I am sad and stoic, alone and getting on with it. My old lover comes by. I am in the back seat of a car. I think my mother is there too. The man is in the passenger side of the front seat. He is tall and lanky like Nate and like \"Albert\" of the movie, \"Legends of the Fall\" which I saw last night. He is sad and loving. He wants me back. I find it hard to resist, but I must. This is sweet and exquisite torture, to want to melt into his arms and yet feel compelled not to. He is looking around the car and trying to make small talk to keep me there, counting the number of paper cups there and so on. I smile saying, \"There used to be more, before I cleaned up the car.\" He says, \"Let me help you on with your coat.\" He does, and I let him. It is a poignant and slow motion move where he puts my arms into the coat like you would a child, and as I sit there with my arms out, letting him, my body and arms are in a gesture of opening up to embrace him. I feel great sadness and a desire to throw my arms around him, but I stoically hold still and let this moment pass. I get out of the car and walk back to the house. My \"mother,\" a dark-haired woman is there standing on the sidewalk, being somehow derisive and putting me down. I walk past her. As I step up on the first step of the porch, I realize there is mud on my shoes, which are soled moccasins. I try to rub them on the indoor/outdoor carpet mat. My roommate, sort of a Bill R guy, comes out. I show him I am being a \"good girl\" and cleaning my feet off before coming in. He loves me too and smiles. The same feeling of sadness and stoic denial that love is impossible for me is there. As I scrape the mud off, I also accidentally scrape off the soles. He bends down gently to see the damage. He holds my foot and I see it is a small baby's foot in a silly sock, like the black one I have with red lip prints or kiss prints on it. He says he will get me some new shoes. I feel grateful, touched by his love for me. I fight to remain stoic and walk into the house." }, { "number": "2897", "head": "01/09/96", "content": "I interview for a job as a secretary for this college professor who has a terrible reputation as a womanizer who \"feeds\" on the young college girls. I am a sophisticated, together woman in white high heels and a business suit. I am also beautiful and tailored. I step through a room that might have been an old gym room in PE filled with a jumble of boxes and crates. I get to his office, which is also crowded with furniture and so on. My desk area is in the far back of the room, to the left as I walk in the door and all his stuff is to the right of the door. But the door opens to the side of the room, so as I sit at my desk and see him at his, facing me at the other end of the room, the door is on my right. He says to me in a jeering tone that he has his ways and if I can't handle being around it, then I need to leave. I smile and say calmly, \"No problem.\" He hires me, now very curious about my calm and content demeanor. I do not disapprove of him or put him down, even though I don't believe what he is doing is right, but it is his life and I make no thought or attempt to try and change him. He feels that and is intrigued. I come to work the next day and clean my desk area. It is spotless, organized and ready for work in strong contrast to his area of cluttered furniture and so on. I sit, ready to work. He now wants to reform his ways and is falling in love with me and must earn my respect. I see two ugly rugs on his floor. He says, \"I want new rugs. Go buy me some.\" I laugh and say, \"Sure. What colors do you like?\" He says patterns or designs. I write this down with a marker pen on an old rug piece tacked to the wall. He loves this because it is so unconventional. He says, \"Maybe dandelions.\" I say, \"Cute and fuzzy, or botanical?\" He loves the way I banter matter-of- factly with him, not arguing or persuading him to anything I might prefer. I then go walking out to find the store. I come to the \"main street\" of the university area. A slick brick pattern is in the raised center of the road. I start to haul myself over the four-foot high raised area, throwing one leg over and scrambling, then I think, \"This isn't going to work,\" and walk an extra block out of my way to the stairs over it. I go into the store. It is a huge area with many cubicles or desks where beautiful merchandise sits. People go sit at the desk/cubicle and admire different pieces as they decide to buy or not, lots of people. I see some exquisite glass vases and realize this is an auction or estate sale of very expensive material. I go to the back of the room to ask a clerk where are the carpets. He points off to a central area where I see bits of color. I then am distracted by other fine things to see. I decide I'll go see the carpets later. I brush against a cello case and it nearly falls. I catch it and put it back. Then I see what looks like tall, thin, fine, dark wood cabinets. I go to look, touching one that tumbles against the others, almost causing a chain reaction. The once thin case opens, as is a bass fiddle case. I get it all put back and am attracted to a revolving set of walls which have pillows hanging on them. I look and then move on to a table where there are books and cameras and so on. I pick up a fat book with a thick cellophane plastic cover. I see it is a working script book for a classic movie called \"My Dear ____\" (maybe wife). I am intrigued because I had chosen this movie to dissect to learn how to do a movie. The added attraction to the book is that there are special insider notes about how the \"real\" directors do it. I look at the price. $15.00 seems a lot. Then I see I got mixed up and that is the price of a book called Wizard of Oz. I then see the right price is $11.95. I decide it's worth it and take the book. Then I see a camera, a Lieka small portable. I turn it over and try to see the back. It says Polaroid. It was $132.00 dollars when new, but I can buy it for $12.00. I choose it too. Then I find an intriguing pottery piece. It is like a small compact vase to put food in like a snack tray. The beauty of it is that it unfolds so that the main vase part holds bread sticks and dip. The other petals fold out to create a trail of platters, each a different colored pottery to hold the veggies. It is adorable. I take it too. Later I take all this back to the office and show the man, who is now like Derek. He looks at the pottery piece and says, \"Well, you'll have trouble with Charla. She'll want to play with it all the time.\" I say, \"Oh well, I'll keep it anyway. I'll put it away when she comes to visit.\" He chuckles at me for getting so many things I like when sent on the mission of getting him a carpet. (which I also did get)." }, { "number": "2898", "head": "01/11/96", "content": "A good-looking young man, maybe 29 years old, seems very charming. Dovre and I are attending some growth seminar. He joins us. Then, he starts exhibiting psychotic behaviors. He grabs a doll and holds it to his penis and pees on it, right in front of me, while smiling charmingly at me after he had just violently ravaged the doll. Then again he grabs my daughter, Dovre, as she is laying on the floor, only she becomes another doll. I grab the doll and say, \"No. You can't.\" We wrestle over the doll and I force it away from him. He is intense and single-minded. I go over and whisper to the woman who is running the workshop, \"We have a psychotic person here; get security.\" She leaves to do that. Then I see Paul C and two of his men who walk up to me nonchalantly. He says, \"Where is he?\" I look around. He had gone outside, to pee in the woods. I see him coming back toward the door. We are standing in the open door and he sees the big, obviously police men. He veers away and starts to walk away. I try to walk out to entice him back in a friendly manner, but he's onto us. I am annoyed at Paul and his men for being so obvious. A good-looking man, one of the security ones, only more feminine-looking and a slight build, says, \"Maybe I can convince him to come over.\" I say, \"You are probably right. I'm pretty sure he is homosexual and schizophrenic. Watch out for him, he is very charming on the outside and dangerous as hell.\"" }, { "number": "2899", "head": "01/11/96", "content": "I am hearing a radio report about a new kind of ski lift that uses pressurized air to shoot the person straight up to the high place, and then it's a roller coaster kind of ride down. You lean backward on the air and ride down, fast and exciting. I'm up there, having done the first half of the ride. I look down and see Dovre, my daughter, laying on her tummy asleep, on a bench. I see one big crow or raven and four of five little ones sitting on her back. As she stirs, they fly up a bit and settle down on her again. I see the big one go sit on a boy's head. I know this is magic stuff, and realize the boy has been chosen by the raven, the wise one. I call to Dovre and tell her what I see, asking if she can see it too. I say, \"There's a prairie chicken in the kitchen too.\" I see a top-knotted African kind of bird. They all look so real. I wonder if they can be seen by others and feel a slight fear that if they are real, they could just scratch or hurt the boy and Dovre. But I do know they are \"dreams\" or \"other world.\" The spirits." }, { "number": "2900", "head": "01/13/96", "content": "A woman director, dark-haired, and famous is on TV doing her regular show. I think her name is Carol Lawrence, or something like that. Her friend Lucille Ball decides she wants to come on the show as a surprise and tease her friend. She prepares by putting on ear muffs and two square boxes, one over each ear. She wonders for a moment if she should do this. Would people think it silly or untasteful? She decides to trust her instincts. She goes on, surprising the crew, and then Carol. It ends up being a classic touching and humorous bit that people found endearing." }, { "number": "2901", "head": "01/13/96", "content": "I am sort of Yul Brynner in a swimming pool. I am also a woman who talks to Jack Benny. Then I (the woman) says or does something that touches Yul Brynner deeply. He tries to describe this insightful moment to Jack Benny. He reaches over to a lamp, which is in the swimming pool, and unplugs it (or plugs it in, I don't remember which way it goes) and then carries the lamp and begins to follow me (the woman) as I get out of the pool. He stands directly behind me, wanting contact. I become aware of him." }, { "number": "2902", "head": "01/14/96", "content": "I have (or some woman has) created a theatre or movie set. She puts on shows there, but this upsets a man and a woman in the next room/area. It's their stuff to do that and this upstart has taken over their space. They come after her. Then it's like the same story, but it's Warren Beatty that lives in a huge castle/mansion. He's very rich. He has a jealous sister. He buys out her upper stories part of the mansion to create a theatre. He's up in the big room when a jealous boyfriend type man comes up. Warren wants to hide, but the room is empty. A trap door opens on the ceiling and a bed comes down from the hidden sky roof room. It lands on him, unfolding like an accordion. It hides him. The man tries to drag him out and beat him up. Then as though the dream repeats the story, the bed thing comes down again and hides him, only there is a beautiful spirit woman that lives up there and Warren is in love with her and wants to join her. He resists. Then his other sister and her daughter, his niece, come to the castle to see him, I think at his request. She (the niece) is now the dream ego. I/she walks into the corridor of the castle and see a huge door roll open, like in a dungeon. I peek in to its dark depths. I make fun of the image of Warren being courted by that beautiful woman spirit. I \"see\" her coming toward him, beckoning to him. He feels unable to resist her force. Spooky, I think, \"Maybe Death is there!\" I then see a huge, dark black-robed figure of death come toward me. I feel fear and start backing up. He comes gliding right after me and grabs me by the arms. He starts forcing me back toward the other wall. Maybe there's another door there. I struggle and now he's behind me dragging me down the hall. I resist, saying to him, \"But I'm not ready yet. I'm too young.\" He laughs. He makes a joke. I poke his bony leg at the knee with a fork. Like right, that's going to help. He feels no pain. This is DEATH! He has a death grip on me and I am afraid. There is no way out; he has me." }, { "number": "2903", "head": "01/14/96", "content": "A man, Richard Chamberlain, and I are deeply in love. Another woman is in love with him. He and she are sort of engaged. She is American Indian. He must stay with her because of the vows. It is painfully poignant when we are together, because we know we can't have each other. There is some ceremony where he is placed between two cloth partitions (sheets). He is kneeling, like in a confessional. She stands on the left side behind the sheet, and I stand on the right side, peeking out from the split in my sheet (like two curtains pulled together). He smiles at me, sadly. Then she begins to get hysterical, accusing him of being untrue and doing her wrong. As her accusations get more hysterical and untrue and harsh, the entire tribe begins to see it is wrong. They walk away from her. She is now sobbing and screaming that she had been to the doctor's this morning and got bad news. Finally she's on the floor sobbing. Everyone has left the building except me and Peter Jennings. I resolutely stand up from her fallen body and walk away, now leaving her entirely alone. I feel very sad for her and worried she will kill herself. I say to Peter after we are outdoors, \"I don't know how long I can bear to stay away. I'll probably return and stay with her for a while.\" I see my lover walking toward me. He and I meet, and lay down together slowly on the cement stairs. He touches my cloth collar at my neck caressingly, a forbidden touch, but we must connect. I sigh and say, \"I think she's dying,\" and then I say, \"It feels so good to be near you.\" He says, \"Yes, for me too.\"" }, { "number": "2904", "head": "01/14/96", "content": "I am at some resort hotel or something, a conference. I am tired and want to lay down for a nap in my room before going to town to sightsee with my brothers. I can't find my room. I walk down a row of desks like in school, to a wall where I thought there was a door. There is no door. I go down another hall and see doors and open one and go in, but find myself in an enclosed corridor that leads to the fun house kiddie attraction. I say, \"What the heck,\" and go for the ride, thinking when I get there I'll find the exit and go to my room. The rug is like a conveyer belt and then there's a steep set of stairs that is more like a ladder. We go down. My brother Jake is there. He introduces me to a young girl (maybe 19 years old) named Casey. \"Humm,\" I think, \"maybe his new girlfriend.\" We arrive at the place, but it's a big auditorium where a comedy writing contest is going on and being judged. One of my scripts is in the contest. A woman is tired and wants to go to her room because the conference starts again early tomorrow. Dwight is around, but he looks like Rock Hudson and I say, \"We can go to town and sightsee later.\" He says he doesn't really want to go; the conference is too important to waste time on that. I still want to go, later. I convince the woman to wait for the results of the contest, by saying most earnestly that if we leave, we'd only have to make Dwight bring us back really early in the morning and that wastes more time. Now the judge comes over with his sheaf of papers. A man who runs the place is crazy for me and is bothering me by insisting we get together. I keep kindly but firmly repulsing him. He is a driven guy who won't accept no. He tries to hug me and pull me away and talks to get my attention. \"What is it you want?\" he asks. I say, \"I want to get the results (the range of points from the different judges) so I can figure out what I did wrong and get better with my writing.\" The judge says, \"You did pretty well, really.\" I'm sort of a runner up. I try to write down the scores, losing the page and searching for it again. I can't find them and the man says, \"Here's the code on this page. You look for this symbol and it tells you what page.\" I try again. As I am looking, he walks across the gym floor, bossing his employees around arrogantly. I smile at him, because even though he is obnoxious, there is something endearing about his single-minded love for me. He comes back and tries to convince me to go to his room. I laugh and say, \"No, but I will give you a kiss, like a ceremony to knight you, because I can see that somewhere under all that brashness is a real human being. You have to learn to let him out so we can enjoy him.\" He's all over me, taking advantage and I laugh, pushing him away and say, \"Oh, beknighted one, arise and be a knight.\"" }, { "number": "2905", "head": "01/15/96", "content": "I am at some information booth and a woman is selling her wares. It is some new age group that sounds very good and intriguing and yet I have some doubts. Maybe they are a cult that starts invading your privacy and thoughts. I look at the children's books, a special device and some other things. I keep asking questions. I decide to buy some of the items to look at them in detail later. Now They show me an apartment I could rent, in Dover. It is a small one bedroom, with two double beds like in a motel room. A man and I are interested, but again, still unsure and hesitant. I ask the fat landlady what the rent would be she says it depends, ____ on down to 500 dollars. This sounds high to me, and the place isn't all that good a shape. but now she shows us it has a living room, a dining room and several more bedrooms. It is looking more like a good deal. The bed in the back bedroom is a narrow cot like thing. I test it and it turns out to be a flimsy hammock cloth. I ask if it is a hammock. She says no, that's not the bed. The bed would be brought in later and we'd have to sign a paper saying they removed the critters. It was some kind of an insurance scam. I don't feel good about it. She then hands me a brochure on the cheap computer they offer for sale. $13.95 and it does recipes and appointments and so on. I saw some strange contrivance in the bedroom that looked like a bathroom scale taped to a woodstove chimney that was that device. I look out the back windows to check out the neighborhood. Odd looking people, fat like a cow (and looked at first like he had an udder) and so on. We're not sure this is going to be good, but we are still interesting in finding out more." }, { "number": "2906", "head": "01/29/96", "content": "A sort of taciturn, sad or grumpy man gives me a gift. I look in the box and see some sort of leather wine pouches, of different sizes. I say oh, that will be nice. I can put them on my wheelchair for water bags. He says nothing. I look more closely and see there are small miniature things in the bag. I see 30 tiny florescent light tubes, in their boxes. and many more things. I begin to realize that this isn't a wine bag but a miniature room with furnishings. I keep opening little things and other little things are in them. This thing keeps getting more ornate and big and full of stuff. I like it very much and hope I haven't offended the man by not understanding the nature of the gift right off." }, { "number": "2907", "head": "01/29/96", "content": "I am staying at a house, perhaps my mother's house. Ellie is there as well. There are many rooms but I sleep in a tiny one twin size bed, if fact, I don't even sleep in the bed, I am uncomfortably curled up in my wheelchair and sleeping. Ellie starts to move her things to a bigger nicer room and it occurs to me I could do that too. I mention to my mother that I'd like to hire a part time helper as I can't do things for myself and would like to be comfortable. and I want to move to a nicer bigger room and sleep comfortably on a bed." }, { "number": "2908", "head": "01/30/96", "content": "I am in a house with a lot of rooms. I decide to get on my exercise machine and discover it is broken. I realize I'd been enrolled in a business college course load and haven't been going to classes. How odd it will be to have a Masters degree and yet flunk simple courses. It will look bad on my record. I don't want to take the classes. I move into the living room, which has my father's bed in it. There is a sort of V. House feeling to this place. I try to use the exercise machine there, but no luck. I go back and count the rooms, and as I look more closely, I see the rooms are quite small and square and ordinary, which is the opposite of what my dream rooms have been like in other dreams. Jake is in a bed in the back bedroom." }, { "number": "2909", "head": "01/30/96", "content": "A chubby, flabby boy is a Buddha emperor boy and the priest comes up to him. The boy shoves his fat belly down to make a pillow for the priest, who lays his head on the belly, a sort of ritual greeting of emperor and priest. Now they raise him to sitting and drape his fat, flaccid penis over the edge of his bed and he pees. I watch, fascinated. It's such an odd shape penis and the boy is so spoiled he doesn't even use his muscles to lift himself up. It is all done for him by the priests." }, { "number": "2910", "head": "01/31/96", "content": "Derek/Darryl and I are going to the movies together, but first we go to his house to get something. We are talking as I gather up a wallet and borrow one of his. His buddies (the homeless motley crew guys) come over to hang out while we're at the movies. I look in the bathroom mirror and see my face and sigh. I think to myself, \"I'd make an OK-looking man.\" I feel sad because I know Derek doesn't feel attracted to me and never will. I say, \"I'll shut the window\" and then say, \"Oh yeah, that's right. You never lock anything. I do at my place, but it's a different kind of neighborhood, tougher.\" He starts to disagree with me and I get annoyed and say, \"But, you don't know. I was almost...\" I pause, I was about to say raped. He realizes that's what I was going to say and tries to listen. Chelsea then joins us. I feel the need to pee. We three walk to the movie house." }, { "number": "2911", "head": "01/31/96", "content": "I am sort of Sally Fields as a comedian. I come out on the stage, in front of the huge, billowing curtain. I, the dream ego, is watching from the wings. I see Sally dressed in a blue sequined gown with see-through overdress and her act is taking off parts of the outfit and the outfit look keeps changing. Now I am her and I look far down at the small and distant audience. The billowing curtain nearly knocks me off stage. I keep hissing at the curtain woman to open the curtains a bit more. She finally does. I come up with a funny bit of lines where I wait until they get nervous at me not speaking and then I say, \"This comedy thing is harder than I thought. Apparently you have to say witty things and then they love you...apparently not. And they have to be funny to other people too.\" The audience laughs, but they are also dancing and running around. They are so far away they look miniscule." }, { "number": "2912", "head": "01/31/96", "content": "Charla and I are together in a big double bed with lots of space between us. I pick up a ring of hers and put it on, hoping she doesn't wake up and demand it back. It is an odd ring, an engagement -like look and then a long row of gold squares and another round engagement-like ring at the end of that. I see the second part is a separate ring, plastic, that just got stuck on the end. I think it's fun to pretend I have an engagement ring." }, { "number": "2913", "head": "02/03/96", "content": "Lucy and I are going to do a show for the community college. Julie B is there. I am asking what the name of my character is and the name of Lucy's character and other details of the story. I guess we are going to rehearse it for a while and then present it." }, { "number": "2914", "head": "02/03/96", "content": "I am an extra actress. I'm just in the background being a person sitting at a cafe table. The main actors are at other tables doing the play and I am supposed to improv gestures and pretend I am talking to other people and so on for the entire play. I keep coming up with ideas on what to do and even make a few funny remarks that could have been good lines in the play. The director, a man, wants me to make what I'm doing even bigger because it is so good. He dresses as a woman and wanders across the stage pretending to be one of the cafe extras and signals me to act as if I am leaving to go to the restroom. I do so, going off stage and he says to me, \"I like what you're doing; keep on and make it bigger.\" I nod and go back on stage. More extras are there imitating me." }, { "number": "2915", "head": "02/03/96", "content": "I hear about a road that suddenly caught on fire. Apparently some cars with steel belted radial tires worn down to the steel were on the road, and rust spots were on the road. It was oil soaked from years of use and it caught on fire. I ask where this is, thinking it is on a coast in some exotic locale. Oh, and it is snowing there a lot, but the snow won't put out the fire. It will burn for years. I hear it is in the state of Washington. I guess I'm hearing a radio reporter interview someone. He asks if the road is closed and now no one can travel there. The man replies, \"Yes, but we have the old road people can use.\" The reporter says, \"But that one is windy and slow, right?\" I see huge clumps of land mass with gaps in-between like the road will be built to cross those coastal gaps. It will make for hard, slow traveling." }, { "number": "2916", "head": "02/03/96", "content": "Ginny and I are on a weekend trip to the coast. We are going in an elevator up to some animal exhibit where monkeys are. Two or three teenaged, or young adult men, are behind us. One young man loves me and is standing right up against me. Then he maneuvers around until he is seated on my lap and turns around to nibble sexily on my neck. It is all very enticing, but I try to ignore him and go on. He follows me. I enter the large room where the animals exhibit is. If you stand at one of three stations and the animal likes you, it will come over so you can pet it. I go and stand at one station (in the middle). There is a very cute penguin there. He likes me and cuddles and does cute tricks. I look up at the large staged area and see very large gorilla type of animals, some of which have male human-like heads. They look scary and intimidating. As I watch, I realize they are escaping and coming out towards us to cause us harm. I begin to move rapidly toward the exit. Ginny and I and the young man run downstairs and out the door. The man is insistent in his love for me. Ginny goes to a car and I follow her. She says, \"I want to get away alone for a while. I'm going to take off and I'll see you later.\" I sort of realize she is giving me and the man time to be alone together. She goes and now the man and I have spent a day or two as lovers. But I am married and on Tuesday I leave to go home. He is desperate to keep me. He follows me and says, \"I hate Tuesday. I hate Monday because it is next to Tuesday. Please don't leave me.\" I am very attracted to him, but insist I must go. He is much younger than I, and I have my family to return to and I can't really believe this is a good thing to do because of our age difference. He tries and tries to convince me his love is real and forever, not a youthful whim or a passing fancy or lust. I don't let myself trust that and resist. In despair he walks away from me back into the animal exhibit building. I realize he is in bad danger and I rush in to distract and I yell something which alerts him. I had put myself in danger to save him. I turn and run out, and he escapes and runs out. Again he renews his pleas. I still say no. I am walking down the road and see a pile on beautiful conch. I pick one up and want more and then see pottery plates and bowls and realize a Native American person is selling their wares here. The man follows me. He says to me, \"OK, if tell you I am rich, will that convince you to stay?\" I say, \"No, it wouldn't.\" I walk away. The man says with intense emotion to the Native American man, \"Oh, I so want a Porsche to stop and pick me up.\" He means that I am driving a Porsche and he wants me to come back and accept him. The Native American man looks at me and says to the man, \"I can't see what you see in her, but if that's what you want, then fine.\" Now he goes up a high cliff at the ocean's edge. I climb up to follow him, fearing he will jump or something, but as I reach him and he hugs me, I am the one that falls. He rushes down to where I lay, encircled with barbed wire that is black. I have been injured. He calls the medics and the doctor says, \"She'll be wrinkled and weaker or something but she'll be OK.\" The doctor suggests we call the police. While we wait for the police to arrive, I ask him what the doctor said. He says, \"The doctor says you'll be wrinkled and this and that, but I don't care. I still love you and always will.\" Now it is Tuesday and he's crying and begging me that his life will be empty and sad if I leave him. I feel tremendous push-pull, but still can't quite believe or trust he is authentic and sure. This will all pass for him soon. I leave, but I go home and divorce my husband, realizing that I don't love him. Months pass and I must try and reach him. He had given me his phone and address and every conceivable number he could be reached at. (NOTE: At this point, I think I wake up and finish the dream awake.) I go to his rich parents' large home and ask for him. He isn't there, but has an apartment in the city. The father sees me and realizes I'm the woman who his son loves and wants and says things like, \"Whatever will make my son be happy and alive again, I want him to have.\" I go to the apartment to find him. He is with a young woman his age. I am carrying a stuffed monkey with a heart in his hands. I leave it at the door and don't even knock, but the man somehow senses me and opens the door just as the elevator door across the hall is shutting. He yells at me, \"No, come back, please.\" He runs down the stairs and is there when the elevator door opens. He begs me to return. The girl means nothing. He was trying to get on with his life without me, but it wasn't working. He would give anything to just pick me up and take me to the apartment and hold on to me forever, but he knows I must come because I want to. He says, \"If only you could come knock on the door and say to me, 'My dearest one, I love you and want to marry you forever.'\" He walks away from me, leaving me to decide. He returns to the apartment. I then go up, knock on the door and say that sentence. We hug and live happily ever after." }, { "number": "2917", "head": "02/04/96", "content": "I am meeting my director in a department store. I get into an elevator and it isn't working properly, missing the exact mark to stop, so he decides to fix the thing while we are on it, which makes me a bit nervous. Now we go to an area to rehearse and basically he hands me the pages for the scene and talks me through the summary of what happens. Then I need to go to the bathroom and find one and pee. Now it is almost time for my scene. I feel a bit insecure because I might lose the lines. I have a few seconds of almost a panic feeling and then calm down and go. I am playing a silly director and wear a green beret and a butch short haircut, with pretty-colored gray and black hair like Mirabelle. I ham it up, making funny faces and following my director, who is also acting a part around the set because I realize we've never worked the blocking. Now the audience gets very vocal and noisy until we have to stop. I look out at them and they are fighting amongst themselves. We wait for a while, watching. They are seated like in a church balcony, and a bunch in the back, mostly men are standing and pushing and shoving and yelling. Then I see way up at the top, three or four rows of the young girls in communion dresses all leaving. Now they calm down a bit and I say to my director, \"I'm going to go get my script because we've really had no rehearsal or blocking,\" and he agrees. I rush backstage to find the pages and am looking through a pile on a bed, couch thing. Another more veteran actress is saying something and I say, \"You must help me find my script first because I'm on now. It's in a white folder.\" She agrees and I find the pages, feeling a bit bad about not being prepared, but OK because It wasn't my fault and we'll get through this OK. I go back on stage, looking at my director to help me know where to restart the scene." }, { "number": "2918", "head": "02/03/96", "content": "A man is standing and holds a baby by its hands as it is trying to stand up. I watch and the baby is a kitten and it scampers around. I want to play with it. I see it go under a chair and see that a much smaller kitten is in there. It's about the size of a mouse. I am worried that the bigger kitten will hurt it or eat it, and I crawl under to distract the bigger kitten. I play with it and rub its cute, fat little tummy. It likes that and leaves the smaller kitten alone." }, { "number": "2919", "head": "02/04/96", "content": "I take two male roommates to help with expenses. They put a sign over the door saying something like The Boys of Love or something. They see two young women they are interested in moving their furniture out in the hall and run out to ask if they are leaving the building. The women say no, they are moving to an apartment upstairs because it is cheaper. The boys are relieved. Now we go back into my apartment, which we are remodeling. They have taken up the carpet and rolled it up and put it in the hall. I see the floor and wonder if I made a mistake because the floor is very ugly and I will have to re-carpet the place, which will be expensive. Now I am showing the place to Paulina and Clarice (Paulina's daughter). I point out there are five different areas that represent five different characters. I see lots of early American wood stuff and decide I don't like that style. I see a picture of a woman in black and white and remember showing the same picture to Clarice when it was in full color. It is a large wall portrait of a woman standing. I go back out of this end area. Paulina says, \"Here at least it looks like you,\" meaning the furniture and accessories are mine. I smile and say yes. Now I see Millie talking to another young woman relative. She then looks at a wood carved statue of several people in a canoe and I am explaining how sad the one woman figure is. She can't seem to see it. I try several times to point it out to her. Naomi asks something. I say, \"Oh, yes, books all over, but this section the books aren't mine. They belong to one of the characters. I can't even find a book on those shelves I care to read.\"" }, { "number": "2920", "head": "02/08/96", "content": "Susie S and I are walking along a road talking. I am feeling a bit defensive and hurt as she is saying we have a problem because I begrudged her two hours of work that she felt I still owed her. I say, \"No, wait. Begrudged? I don't begrudge you those two hours.\" I feel a bit dishonest because I do feel I gave her what was required. I try to speak honestly. I say, \"It's the sarcasm. I don't deal well with sarcasm, and I thought I had done the work well and gave you all that was required, so I felt hurt.\" She says, \"Then you'd be willing to meet me tomorrow morning to talk this all out?\" I think to myself, \"I hope not too early,\" then I say, \"Yes, of course. I just don't do well with sarcasm and feeling attacked. I admire and respect you and your work and if you feel I shorted you in hours, I will give you the hours.\" She seems to understand and says she's sorry she was sarcastic; it is a bad habit of hers. We continue to work it on out." }, { "number": "2921", "head": "02/08/96", "content": "I come to a family reunion. I am in a hotel room and I get up. The two young girls are playing very noisily so I can't sleep. I am looking for my hair and tooth brush but I realize I haven't packed them. How annoying. Well, I'll borrow my mother's. I see a pile of books I did pack. There's a Georgette Heyer book and many others some from my youth. I want to curl up and read them all, but there is no time. I will never have time to just read them, all the ones I like. Oh well. Now I go into the bathroom where the two girls are playing, being noisy and using other people's stuff. I tell them to stop it and find something to brush my teeth with. Now I return to my room and see the maid is there making up my bed, putting new sheets on it. She's a slovenly dressed, plump lady who sort of lays down as he works. I notice she has waxed the floor and it is slippery and there are thick iodine red or that Benodine stuff they use at the hospital, red puddles on the floor. I slip and slide my way precariously out the door. Now I have to get down the very steep (like a ladder) stairs without slipping and falling. I hold on hard to the wood post on the banister and carefully walk down. Then I start going faster and start skipping steps, and finally at the end step on a couch and hop over some things and jump the last flight of stairs and land unhurt on the ground floor. I see someone, a woman, watching me and I see I left some slipper marks on a step or two and the back of the couch. I am kind of surprised I didn't hurt myself on that last jump. So now I get to the room where the reunion is happening. I see Patricia and her husband Morton, and music is playing and people are in Halloween costumes except me. I didn't choose to wear a costume. Now I am dancing with Patricia's husband and I don't know the steps because it is a country dance, but he wraps his legs strongly with mine and I follow his lead very well. At the end of the dance he is surprised when I say I've never danced this kind of dance before. He is impressed. I go to find the relatives I like. As I walk through the room, I see Grandma Mildred there and am surprised because she's been dead for years. She looks years younger and rejuvenated. She is still an older woman, but she has cleavage and somewhat pretty breasts, long pretty hair and is in a sexy white negligee gown thing. Millie comes over and says, \"Hey, I only want to talk to the ones I find interesting or that I like,\" meaning her mom and me. My mother is nearby, watching. Grandma is chatting and Millie wants to talk real and important things. I wander off and a band is being set up to entertain us and I say to the organizing woman, \"Let me do a few things while the band is setting up.\" She at first is reluctant because usually my stuff has been boring or repetitive. I tell her, \"I won't do the old stuff, like Evangeline; I'll do a new comedy routine and a dance number I learned.\" She hesitates, but since I agreed to do it while the band is setting up, it's OK, so I go out into the center of the room. The benches (like church pews) are placed in a theatre in the round style, but some of the benches face away from me. I start talking a comedy routine and at first it's pretty deadly quiet in terms of laughs. As I continue and build, they start becoming more interested and laughing until I have their attention and they enjoy my routine, which is improv and just me talking. Now I am going to dance and I call for my partner. Now the point of view shifts and I am in the audience watching this beautiful flighty woman and her partner dance. I am sitting on the floor in the gentle arms of some man. Now the male dance partner comes over and comedically opens his cape to reveal boxer shorts over tights. He wiggles his hips and the shorts fall down around his ankles, only there's another pair there and he repeats this two more times. The man I'm with gets a bit worried as this is a family audience and the children are there. Then the male dancer grabs his crotch and makes an obscene gesture. I am uncomfortable, but hoping everyone sees it's for comedic effect. Now the woman dancer with wonderful, curly long hair begins to dance and she steps on the back of a bench and twirls and dances around the room." }, { "number": "2922", "head": "02/10/96", "content": "Rochelle is in a room, perhaps with other lesbian women also. I am lying on the back of a black leather couch, joking or being playful." }, { "number": "2923", "head": "02/11/96", "content": "A man, who is short and almost doesn't have any legs, in a wheelchair, likes me a lot. There is also a woman like Tracey with very shortened legs in a wheelchair around." }, { "number": "2924", "head": "02/12/96", "content": "A man is bending over something and looking at it, and behind him rises up a huge whale, like peeking over a rim of rocks. Its mouth is crooked like a cartoon shark mouth. The man looks back over his shoulder and says, \"Ah, The Clan of The Cave Bear.\"" }, { "number": "2925", "head": "02/16/96", "content": "Leighanne, a man, and another woman and I have ordered some food from Taco Time. We get our order but it is all wrong. Who ordered the Enchilada, or the chicken nuggets and the burritos came with everything and so on. I ask the others if they are willing to accept the order. I see a few things I would be willing to eat and from lack of interest, we all decide to keep, or rather a decision is never actually made. We just didn't do anything about it. I am looking for the chicken nuggets, but the pretty woman ate them. She is wearing a beige, lacy, sexy dress and I wonder if the overdress is mine, but it's just her shawl. She is like Jessica Lange in \"Blue Sky,\" very sexy. She is wondering where the costume department is. She goes off looking and I try to pack up the food stuff and my shoes and this and that. Then, John (a fellow teacher) is a black man and he is doing funny impersonations. He's doing one where he must walk backwards in front of a person (also a black man) who is walking toward him and as he does this, he is talking like he is threatening this person, like he has the power. This is very funny and he says it only is funny when he walks backwards at the same time he is trying to sound threatening. Then the black man asks him to do another impersonation. He does a famous important man, maybe Martin Luther King. He is very good and he is also still walking backwards as they go into the Theatre Department building. Now I go into a classroom and John is there, only now he looks like Robert Young, in \"The Second Woman,\" about a man who might be paranoid and dangerous, but the woman loves him. A black man comes in and John and he are having an argument that is at an impasse. John teaches class on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 1:00 to 2:30 and the \"Makeup Man\" wants that room at that time. Neither is willing to budge. I take the role of fascinator or mediator. I write on a blackboard the headings \"Makeup Man\" in a purple/pink chalk, and on the right side of the board, I write \"Instructor.\" We are going to list all the objections until we can come to some compromise. I notice the Instructor space is larger and more convenient to get to and say, \"Oh, oh. I am not being fair. I'm already biased.\" I go to another board and try to make it equal." }, { "number": "2926", "head": "02/17/96", "content": "I am lying on a couch, burning a candle and watching it burn. It goes out and I try to relight it, but now there are two, no, three, no, four wicks. I light them and one or two go out and I relight them. Now they are all burning and as I hold the candle in my hands, it is now a square of wax and melting very quickly in a strong line down the middle. I realize it will melt through and it does, breaking into two pieces. I ineptly say, \"Oh, Oh, Oh,\" as the hot wax splashes out over the coffee table and on the carpeted floor. Just then, as I am up and grabbing a towel to clean up the mess, I notice the front door is slowly opening. I go to the door, afraid and try to close it, but two teen boys, one very blonde and has mild CP, are in the room and I know they intend to rape or hurt me. I say, \"No, no, no,\" in an inept way and open the door for them to go out. I try to insist, but they laugh and I manage to get them out and shut the door and lock it. I know they are going around to the back door. I go to the phone and dial the whole number for the police department and wonder why I didn't just dial 911. I give my name, Barb Sanders, and my address, 795 W. Street, #302, E City. I say, \"These teens are breaking in and I'm afraid they will hurt me, and I need someone to come and check it out, just in case.\" The police don't seem too interested in helping me." }, { "number": "2927", "head": "02/17/96", "content": "Charla is deliberately refusing to obey me. She is running down the stone steps of a huge Catholic church. I am very, very angry at her and crying and upset. I cry out to her, \"You must stop. Come here at once,\" and so on and she laughs at me and keeps on going. I know somehow that to keep chasing after her and pleading in anger isn't going to work and I should withdraw, but I am driven by my strong feelings to continue. It's as though I can't stop. Jake comes up the steps and I see he is going into a room that has religious statues and I hope he will at least nod his head toward them in respect, although he won't do the Catholic thing, seeing as he isn't Catholic." }, { "number": "2928", "head": "02/18/96", "content": "I am on some deserted island place, and I see a brown, strong naked woman run past me. I follow her to a pool. It is a ritual bathing place. I and some other person with me go into the pool, not knowing what we are supposed to do or why we are supposed to do it. There is a recessed shallow spot off the deep larger pool and I/we are in it. I look out and see the pool is deep and empty. The water is very clear. But I sense danger around. I see a huge crocodile swim past me, its tail braided. I am not sure if it is merely an animal crocodile, or if it is an intelligent life form. It crawls out on land and signs in as Captain Morg. I stay in my shallow area afraid to go out into the larger pool. Now a car drives out onto the water, does a turn and drives back. These people aren't afraid. Then a person walks across the water to the hallway on the other side. I look into the hallway and see a group of people walking toward the pool and an exit sign glowing at the far end of the hallway. I feel stupid and cowardly hanging back in my little recessed area as these other people matter-of-factly go about their business." }, { "number": "2929", "head": "02/18/96", "content": "I am walking along and see a child movie star. She will play the lead in a children's movie. Now I go into a large room set up with backless benches and a few chairs for children to watch the movie. I sit on one of the chairs because the benches would give me a backache. But the chair keeps sliding backward. I pull it back to where it should be and it slides again. I can't seem to stop it. I wonder why I am wasting my time watching this movie which is either Wizard of Oz or Cinderella, when I could be watching one of my taped movies. The screen is far away and is a white bed sheet. I won't be able to see well. I think I'm there because I'm curious and drawn to the fact that there is an \"important\" person there, namely the famous child movie star, even though I am not particularly interested in her or her movie." }, { "number": "2930", "head": "02/18/96", "content": "I seem to be the prison warden. The men are surly and dangerous. I have to stop something and I use fast karate blows. I am damn good at it and beat my foe. Another powerful inmate is watching me closely, looking for his opportunity. I then go to the infirmary for the doctor to bind up my wounds, but he is also my fiance and he rejects me, I think because he doesn't want me doing this dangerous job. I am hurt, but bravely go on. I return, exhausted and emotionally drained, to my office and find a young woman and a Hispanic man trying to make out on the floor by my door. I tell her to be in my office at 3 o'clock and I'll teach her about birth control and then I decide the man better be there too. This was yet another betrayal and I am angry and self-righteous, and yet I'm trying to be doing the right thing for these people too. I enter, but it isn't my office; it is a courtroom. I interrogate the prisoner who is on trial, the man I beat up, and the other powerful man is secretly sending him signals by scraping the legs of his chair against the floor when he should not answer. I realize this is a code even though it is subtle. I am on the alert. [BL]" }, { "number": "2931", "head": "02/19/96", "content": "I am a member of a woman's club. The president of the club and another woman get into a scandal thing with one woman supposedly moving in on the other's husband. There are two teen boys as well that kind of do the same kind of thing, one taking something the other has. Now the president doesn't come to meetings. I guess she is ashamed. Time passes, and at a meeting I watch as the two women start talking it all through and now the whole thing is understood and accepted and behind them. The president resumes her duties. Now I am at a woman's house. I am admiring a special tree where she has grafted different fruits on it. There are grapes and cantaloupes and bananas on it. I am very impressed. How neat to grow your own fresh fruit, all on one convenient tree. I look at a series of glass tubes with liquid stuff bubbling around in them. I ask some questions. These tubes are the special acid/ph factor balance stuff for this special tree. Now I am eating a cantaloupe from the tree, only as much as I say, Ummm, how tasty,\" it really isn't. I keep scraping out these masses of black seeds, like watermelon seeds. It never seems to end. The bites are stringy and pulpy. I finally realize this isn't good fruit. Now I go inside to help the woman decide to leave her husband. She hasn't opened her mind to what misery she is really experiencing in the relationship. Now she sees it." }, { "number": "2932", "head": "02/21/96", "content": "I am at a Family Reunion, the Sanders side, I think, lots of cousins and small children and babies. Some of the small children are very active and noisy and as much as I love being around them; it is hard. Now I am sitting behind Aunt Abigail and somebody talking to someone, maybe my father. I watch as Francis P hides behind a door and watches as Delilah comes in to ask if Francis got a present. I laugh and whisper to my father, \"Isn't that something, how he sent his wife in to ask for something?\" Abigail turns around and I peer closely at her bright hazel eyes. They are intense and quite pretty, with many golden flecks of color. I laugh, a bit uncomfortably, feeling caught. I say, \"You sure are pissed at me.\" She says, \"You don't like them, do you.\" They are too rowdy for you. I feel embarrassed and try to fix things with a bit of a white lie. I say, \"Well, that's true, we aren't the same kind of people, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy them the one day of the year we see each other. I thought it was kind of cute.\" This mollifies my Aunt and I am relieved, for she was as intense as a mother bear protecting her cubs. The reunion goes on and now I am watching my father's montage TV screen, a special machine to create a montage of past events. He had already edited the reunion footage and added a narrator's voice, his own voice, to it. I see myself in a pretty dress, low bodice and a small waist. I look good. I am wearing a pretty wide brim hat and posing with smiles. Then I am playing a silly role of a very fat or pregnant woman in the same dress. Then I am riding one of the small horses, not Ginger. I am riding the brown one and I see myself from the back end as the horse trots and then playfully gallops. I ride her through a sprinkler. It is fun and we stop to soak up the cool water. A pinto horse is named Ginger. The noisy child that is hard to be around likes the horses." }, { "number": "2933", "head": "02/24/96", "content": "I am seated on a couch and Leroy, my cousin, comes over and sits near me to kiss me goodbye. He and his wife are going home. I love him and I feel he loves me. We lightly hug, as his wife is standing there watching, almost in slow motion, I lean up and our lips are close together. We steal a soft, loving kiss in a way that the wife can't see. Now he goes home. I find some reason to go there. The wife is very suspicious of us and we are very careful, but we are indeed in love and take every stolen moment we can to brush up against each other or look into each other's eyes. This is a difficult life we are moving toward, a suspicious wife, we don't want to hurt her. They have been in a good relationship for years, but our feelings are too strong and we can't resist. Apparently I was in a play, because Leroy says to his friend, \"Tell her you liked the play.\" He comes over and says, \"Yes, Grandmother, I loved your play.\" He was very polite. He and I talk about how special and alive one feels on stage. Even if you are not alive and ordinary off stage, you can always go back on stage and recapture that special alive feeling." }, { "number": "2934", "head": "02/26/96", "content": "I think I had been traveling in Europe and have returned. I am now on a country road, looking for a small town I used to live in. I pass the town and end up in some other small town. I stop at a house and a woman says she will walk with me for a ways until I get my directions. I say, \"I think I'm looking for L City or A City.\" We come over a rise and look down into the valley and see farmlands and a spire on a university brick building. I say, \"We are in Mo City, the Western (state) State University.\" Some woman asks me the name of the main hall. I say, \"I can't remember.\" I remember the one for L. and I remember the one for another university. It is a very pretty scene." }, { "number": "2935", "head": "02/26/96", "content": "Lucy and I and some others are about to take an important test, like for a masters degree or something. A woman is lecturing about something Lucy didn't understand. I realize I could answer it well, and this woman isn't. She is meandering and missing the point. I choose to keep quiet and let her do her thing. It's time to fill out forms to take the test. I have papers with me with addresses and so on in case I need them. I can't seem to fill out the form. All the places where it looks like I should fill things in seem to be only for people who are applying for grants or entering a contest. I am confused. I then find the right place and start to enter my name and university name." }, { "number": "2936", "head": "02/27/96", "content": "A small girl is in danger. I am trying to protect her. A male gangster has a gun and henchmen and is trying to poison or take the little girl. The girl is very afraid. I see a box delivered to her and in it is a bottle like Fiberall and she's afraid of it. She is lying in the box with plastic inserts like ears next to her head. She looks terrified. I take her out and hear the gangster coming and tell her to go into the bathroom and hide. She does. The gangster has a gun on me and I have a gun on him and we threaten each other. It's a standoff. I feel great hatred for him. He's mean and persistent, but somehow he's not really trying to be a bad guy. We keep up the threatening stuff at each other." }, { "number": "2937", "head": "02/29/96", "content": "I spent the day looking around and exploring a huge mall or market place, which feels like the Internet. A man and I become acquainted and we informally wander around together. That night I go home to my father's house, where I live. The man and I are discussing about maybe getting together again tomorrow and seeing something that we both are interested in, but there's an interruption. I go into my bathroom and notice the bathtub faucet is leaking. I turn it closed and give it one last turn for good measure, to help conserve water, but this starts a drip and then a stream of water from the shower, which is perpendicular to the bath tub. It can't be fixed by adjusting the knobs and now a lot of small jets of water are spraying out over the bathroom. I leave to go find my father in the living room to tell him to fix it or get a plumber. I walk at a fast trot for what seems like miles and finally reach the living room. I am amazed how big the house is. It's not very convenient. I remind myself to get everyone in the family's phone extension numbers. Next time I'll call. I find my father seated in a small coal bucket-like thing with two kids. He's reading them a story and I call to him, but he can't seem to hear me. I try several times and finally he looks up. I tell him about the problem, and we start walking back quickly to my bathroom. It is a long journey. I realize I'd left that poor man up in the air about tomorrow and wonder if he'll come back. I feel bad. We arrive to find the man in the bathroom and he's fixed the problem. He put in a few washers and some small plastic cups to shield the faucet in case it does it again. I thank him and he says, \"It's nothing,\" but does manage to mention it cost him 20 dollars for the plastic things, but he needed some himself, so it's OK. I want to pay him back and I am unclear if this is my father's expense, as it's his house, or if it's mine, because I am an adult and I live here. I want to pay for it myself. I try to introduce the man to my mother but can't remember his name and apologize, making a small joke about no brain cells left after a long day at the mall. I remember his name is Martin." }, { "number": "2938", "head": "03/09/96", "content": "I am a woman who is interviewing for a job. A man named Will is across the desk from me. He looks like Liam Neeson in Nell. I tell him I was fired and there was sexual harassment and so on. He asks me if he's the first person I've interviewed with. I say dryly, \"No indeed. As you probably guessed, I have had lots of interviews but no one will take a chance on me. They think, like I think you are thinking now, that it will happen to them. I will accuse them of sexual harassment, like I'm the perpetrator, not the victim.\" He looks sympathetic. Then I see a scene happening in the next room down the hall. A beautiful woman is distraught. She is resisting going into a room and she calls out \"Bear, Bear,\" which seems to be a name of a small child who disappeared or was hurt. She is sobbing. I see a mask that a child drew on the wall. I also see a written report that says \"Domestic Violence.\" Now Will leaves the room and I wait for his answer. As I wait, a small odd-looking man, like a leprechaun in a business suit, walks conspicuously through the room calling my attention to him, nonverbally. I watch as he leaves the room by a side door and then I look out the window as he sneaks back around to the next door and sneaks back into the hall. \"Humm,\" I think, \"he needed me to be a witness to his leaving. There's something fishy going on here.\" Will returns and is kind to me. He shows me a glass figurine of a horse which belonged to the other woman. I hold it on my arm and look closely. At first it is a glass figurine of a shoe, an elf or ancient woman's shoe, then it is a horse on spindly glass triangle legs. The legs break off and I am trying to reattach them. I notice there are shoes on the ends of the horse's legs like the shoe the entire figurine was at the beginning." }, { "number": "2939", "head": "03/09/96", "content": "I go into a church and I find Derek lying on a leather chaise lounge kind of couch. He is staring contemplatively at two or three paintings set up on easels. They look like his dream pictures. I walk past, greeting him and put something away and then come back. I look at the first picture and see a horse. Then as I look at other details I am struck with how dynamic this picture is. As I shift field of vision, different depths become active, vital and to the forefront of my awareness. The middle ground becomes illuminated and I look at it, and then I am drawn into the background, which happens to be horses raining from the sky, and mountains. I turn to Derek and tell him what I saw and how amazing this sifting of perspective is. I like the picture very much. I sit next to him as we talk. He is silent and contemplative. He adjusts his position to make room for me near him. I reach for something across his chest as I am talking, which places me in a sort of hug position across his body. As I do this, he touches my hair tenderly and says very softly, \"Will you....marry me?\" I hear the \"Will you\" and guess that the words are marry me, although I do not actually hear them. I say, \"I can't hear you. What did you say?\" He touches my hair and I can't tell if it is just a casual caress or a real sign of affection. I want it to be, but I don't want to respond as if it is unless I know it is, so I won't scare him and embarrass me. I touch his hair in a caressing manner. The feelings are very confused and mostly I feel ambiguous and he is ambiguous. It is tender and I like it. Then he gets up and moves several of my file cabinets for me. I guess I'm moving my office to this area. He is helping me place things. I examine the placement and say, \"Would you mind if these two cabinets (which were mine) are first in line with the others (from a previous office owner)?\" \"No problem.\" We move them." }, { "number": "2940", "head": "03/10/96", "content": "I am trying to teach a class about subtle communication stuff like nonverbal behavior. I am talking about small eye movements and so on when I see they have left, maybe a recess or they are restless or something. They come back in and I continue to try and teach. The man teacher who had been distant is now trying to help me. We end up burning a pile of garbage and cardboard. Somehow this is a together, helping thing." }, { "number": "2941", "head": "03/11/96", "content": "I am in a hospital getting blood, or giving it, with maybe a surgery coming up. I am in a hospital corridor looking for the elevator. A woman comes up and introduces herself. Apparently I know her. She asks me if I will go see Santa Claus. I say, \"Oh, maybe.\" I look down over the railing at the Santa surrounded by kids. He smiles up at me in an inviting way. I then start to go around the corner to find the stairs. Howard comes up and asks to borrow my glasses. I give my second pair. I am now wearing a Santa suit, a round ball for a fat belly. The jacket is open. I am walking down the stairs and kids look at me. I close the jacket. I go around the corner and find the line for Santa. Howard comes back up after the Santa thing. I need some glasses and he offers his to me. I laugh, saying, \"I'll try but I won't be able to see anything,\" since his prescription is worse than mine. I look at them before I put them on and am surprised to see they are one huge lens, not two. I put them on and can see just fine. I tell him I like his better, because mine are trifocals and hard to see out of. A man watches, friendly like." }, { "number": "2942", "head": "03/12/96", "content": "I am sitting on a couch cushion that sits beside the couch. The problem is, the couch is in a large body of water. It is getting soaked through and beginning to sink. I am aware there may be danger in the water, sharks, perhaps. I go to dry land. There is possible war there as well. Now I am going to go to an informal audition. I had shrugged it off at first, not particularity interested in home grown theatrics, but decide to participate, feeling like this is a cinch, I can do this in my sleep. I decide to change clothes. I go into another room where Deirdre, my cousin is. I ask to borrow some clothes. I choose some pink sweater and a skirt. I look at it and realize that it looks a bit tacky and ordinary when I had thought the outfit would look slinky and good. I'm a bit disappointed, but can't see anything better. I wander back slowly, getting distracted. I am a bit arrogant and uppity. Other people are all excited and enthusiastic about the play coming up." }, { "number": "2943", "head": "03/22/96", "content": "A Native American man is nearby. I am working hard, resenting the work and feeling overwhelmed. I am doing the dishes and trying to organize piles of papers. He says to me lovingly, \"I'll do the dishes for you. It's all right.\" I feel guilty and relieved. He assures me it is no problem. He would love to help me. I uneasily let him. I now try to straighten the papers. He says he will do that too. I then start to dance around in a circle, slowly at first and then with more pep and fun. I like the dance. So does a small dog, maybe a Terrier, who leaps into my arms on one of my dramatic twirls. It looks so cute and the Native American watches lovingly, happy to see me happy. I do it again, with the dog, just to feel the endearing smile of the man. Now I see another man, actually a suit of clothes all folded up, only a thin, ill man is in it. I pick him up gently and hold him. I have great empathy for him and his pain. I smile tenderly and say, \"I understand how hard it is and how beautiful it is when you can reach that moment when you can love the pain and yourself. It is a rare moment and hard to get to. But it is ecstatic when you get there.\"" }, { "number": "2944", "head": "03/25/96", "content": "I apparently now live in a very large house, but only use a couple of the rooms. My cousin says to me, \"Perhaps you will take in Deirdre. She could live with you.\" I feel the woman's need to better the situation of her child. I look into the bright green eyes of the child (perhaps middle school or early high school age). I say, smiling, \"I'd love to have a child with green eyes and green hair.\" It is really blonde hair but she has a huge green hair ribbon on. Those eyes are an illuminous bright green, a very unusual color for eyes. She is happy. I tell her she has to fit into the routine and get up at this hour and do this and that and then we'll all get along well. I think it will be more work, with the baby I already have, but it will be OK. I wonder if she will go to W. High School. Now the scene shifts and I am talking to the principal, a tall, large man. I am investigating what seems to be a racial discrimination situation. I am a journalist in attitude. At first the principal is hostile and defensive. I guess he thinks I am accusing him. I keep interviewing people and the focus shifts bigger and bigger until the principal says, \"Ah, I see. You are now looking at Universal Peace, not just a discrimination thing for one person.\" He relaxes and is helpful." }, { "number": "2945", "head": "03/29/96", "content": "Lucy and I are together. I realize I've been skipping classes again and will get yet another term's worth of failing grades and \"Y\"'s or incompletes. I feel like a failure. Lucy asks me if I've talked with Dr. Roy. I then start drinking out of a small baby bottle; I am sucking water. I kind of feel some satisfaction reverting to baby, but a woman disapproves very much, at me, a grown woman behaving like a baby. I feel a bit guilty." }, { "number": "2946", "head": "03/30/96", "content": "I am in a house. Charla is being naughty and noisy and I tell her she has to take a nap. I pick her up and put her on the bed and she wriggles around. I give her a small swat on the butt and say she has to stay there and I'll know if she sneaks out. I leave the room. Several women are there in the house and they are uppity, high class women who disapprove of Charla's behaviors, and they disapprove of me. They follow me around being snotty. Now I am in an acting class and they are in the same class. Everyone looks down at me and laughs openly at me. I take it in stride, not getting angry. I am a bit frustrated, but I laugh at them being so silly. They hate that. I tell them quite bluntly and firmly I don't like their attitudes and behaviors. I am matter of fact. They get very angry at me and are vengeful. The man I am to act with takes on their attitude and is sneering at me. I look up at his face, all deformed with a glass milky white eye. I say to him, \"You are very ugly.\" He lunges at me, supposedly acting and I side step and move away. A woman comes near me and I jump, like I'm going to defend myself from her physically. I have a pair of scissors in my hand I hold like a weapon. I feel a bit embarrassed because she isn't attacking me." }, { "number": "2947", "head": "03/30/96", "content": "Now I am in a very ritzy house. The kittens, three of them, and a puppy, all want out and I go to open the door. They had been cooped up in the house too long and need to pee. But as soon as they get out the door on the porch, they want back in. I won't let them back in. Now more uppity rich women come to the door and tell me Mrs. Baxter wants to talk to me. Then they leave. I smile and agree to visit Mrs. Baxter, even though I know they all hate me and it cost them dearly to even speak to me. I now walk down the sidewalk and am in awe of all the very rich houses, very colorful. I gawk like a tourist. I can't find Mrs. Baxter and keep walking. I ask a woman does she know where Mrs. B. lives and the woman says yes she does. I then ask if she will tell me. She thinks, smiles and says no, she won't. I hear a group of women, who have been following me, laughing at me. I know this is a stupid joke they are pulling on me, but again I am not angry, but choosing to do what I want to do, which is see these beautiful homes. I come to the end of the land and see the beautiful vast sea. It's a resort area. I'm on a promontory point and I look down and see huge mansions and the ocean beyond. I look back to my left and see people sliding and playing in a frothy surf waterfall kind of thing. When I look down, I feel dizzy and vertigo. The woman are laughing very loudly and applauding my \"stupidity.\" I walk back toward the house, still deliberately ignoring the women and seeing the sights. I see one house where a woman sits on a blue couch and chair set outside of her house." }, { "number": "2948", "head": "04/02/96", "content": "I am sobbing. My heart is broken. Derek has betrayed our relationship with another woman. Now he follows me around begging me to forgive him. I can't stop crying." }, { "number": "2949", "head": "04/03/96", "content": "Derek is with someone else or is ignoring me. I am sitting next to his brother and decide to hell with Derek, I will chase after his brother. We hug and flirt. Derek is jealous and moves between us. Now I'm having dinner with Derek and then a helicopter comes and picks me up in the middle of the dinner." }, { "number": "2950", "head": "04/10/96", "content": "It is Victorian times. I am one of four sisters who are having trouble getting a marriage partner. I find myself walking up a mountain road to a resort that is for people to meet future mates. The driveways are unfinished and only partially paved. There is rough dirt and gravel. I wonder why I chose such a low class (middle class) place to go to. I feel a bit embarrassed and ashamed I have to do this. I see the name of the hotel on the porch. Something Bachelor Beau____. I look again trying to commit the name to memory. The word \"sin\" is there followed by a goose and a gander, wooden carved thing. I chuckle at the reference to the sexes. I enter the main living room. I see several older gray-haired gentlemen and my heart sinks. A blind man, more my age, says to me cynically, \"Are you here to get a rich husband?\" I say, \"No I am not.\" A door opens and several other men come in, one couple obviously gay. They are dressed in modern clothes. I am in a full length satin Victorian dress. I think to myself, \"I would like this to be Victorian and I don't want the gay couple there.\" I am taken upstairs by a plumb maid. I don't want to be here. Now one of my sisters is here. We are both trying to get a husband, only we kept this secret from each other and both choose to be at this hotel. She is annoyed to find me there. We are to go down to dinner. We barely speak. At the dinner table is a sinister, black-haired typical villain of romance novels. He wants me. I despise him. He sits next to Lydia at the opposite end of the table. I now leave the dinner and go out for a stroll. He follows me and presses his suit. I am repelled and faint. He picks me up and carries me back to the hotel. My hero, William Shattner, is coming up the drive and sees me being carried by the villain. He, William, says, \"What's this?\" I am taken into a room to be examined by a doctor, but my spirit stays in the waiting/living room seated on a couch with the villain seated on my right. William gets on bended knee and is trying to hold my hand. I try to resist, but tenderly keep my hand in his. He leans forward to kiss me. I permit it without returning the kiss and then my feelings overtake me and I kiss him. He now knows I love him. I say to him, \"I (meaning the sleeping me in the other room) won't remember this.\" William says, \"But I will,\" meaning he will continue to pursue me, knowing now there is a chance. The villain's lips twitch. He is very unhappy." }, { "number": "2951", "head": "04/11/96", "content": "I am back with Howard. He is sweet and caring and young. So am I (young). We have a baby and Howard is the main caretaker. He brings the baby to me. The baby has short, stubby legs with thick thighs. I look at his feet and say, \"Oh he will grow up tall and strong. He has big feet.\" Then the baby gets up and walks around a bit. I am amazed. He is a newborn. Then he begins to talk. He tells me he has listened in to my thoughts. He is gentle, loving and an alien baby of some sort. I am very impressed and we bond. He is helping me. He gives me advice. I realize Howard and I haven't been sleeping together and having sex for years. I want to start that part of our relationship, willingly and with joy. Now there's a crowd of people and I am dressed very pretty. I've lost weight and another woman, a movie star, is trying to take the attention of the crowd. With the baby's telepathic support, I step into the center and charmingly take the admiration of the crowd, mostly the men. There is a bunch of FBI bodyguard type men there. Howard and the baby and I are going somewhere." }, { "number": "2952", "head": "04/12/96", "content": "I am going to lie down in this square, empty field on a sleeping bag. Some members of the C. department are there setting up an electronic surveillance device around the square. They ask if I can see if the one near me that stops things coming from the corn field seems to be working. I say it is. Something approaches the other side from the street and at the curb is detected and stopped. I think I am holding a dolly." }, { "number": "2953", "head": "04/12/96", "content": "I am watching a TV show. A woman is interviewing Dana Carvey who is totally goofy and lies and makes a fool of her constantly. I notice he has taken my wallet and I am furious. I demand it back. He laughs at me and continues teasing me. I begin to dump out his pockets and so on, making a terrible mess. I am furious and self-righteous. He begins to like me and continues teasing me. I bolt from the place, now naked and stoned or drunk. I cross the freeway, not even looking to see if I'll get hit by the cars. I go down a bike path near the river. Dana jumps in the river and swims to try and follow me. I go into some restaurant and see a woman who is the manager. I remember I tried to be a manager once and didn't do a good job of it. This woman with exposed breasts is doing a fine job. Dana is there, loving me. I ignore him." }, { "number": "2954", "head": "04/12/96", "content": "I sit in a cave-like place and look for baby frogs, but only see adult ones. A small child is there with me. He catches a frog and I pick off pieces of its flesh and feed the other frogs with it. I realize what I'm doing and stop, a bit disgusted." }, { "number": "2955", "head": "04/13/96", "content": "I am in Russia. traveling. A mountain blows up, fire comes out of its frozen sides. I go to investigate. Multi-colored blobs of lava come out and fire sprays up. It's a volcano and it is melting the ice cap. The water is rising very quickly. I decide I need a boat. I conjure up one and row. The entire world is now nearly underwater. The water is smooth but deep. I row up to Moscow. The buildings will soon be covered with water. There isn't anybody or anything around as the water covers the earth." }, { "number": "2956", "head": "04/15/96", "content": "I and another woman are entering a big auditorium. We want to get good seats so we can see the events on the stage and meet in the back with our small group easily. It will be very crowded soon, we know, because we went through this before. I go to the left rear side and get a folding chair and then decide to go to the right rear side as that's where the small group will meet, but the athletic team has reserved most of the seats in the back and so I change my mind again and go to the left rear side to find all the places are almost taken and finally decide on the aisle. The ceremonies are starting and I lean way over to see. It is Rosalie, the Mayor of E City doing a discussion or speech and she's written \"Rosalie\" on the blackboard. It's just one word, her own name. I laugh and share this with a woman next to me. Then a male actor comes in and waits his moment. As he gets up to take a leather bag up the aisle shouting his lines, I realize the fingers of my left hand are caught in the straps and I am running up the aisle behind him, desperately trying to get my fingers out. I am wearing a bridal gown and veil. I finally get unstuck and go back and sit down. I tell the woman how embarrassed I am, how conspicuous I was. [BL]" }, { "number": "2957", "head": "04/21/96", "content": "Charla is lying on a bed, she's perhaps been overstimulated, maybe by me, or maybe by Ellie. She (Charla) suddenly goes into a grand mal seizure. She vomits and starts to choke on it. I feel horror. I am waiting passively for Ellie to do CPR. I want Ellie to do it and am aware that I should do it, but it would be messy and stinky, so I don't. Then Charla dies. I am grief-stricken and sob and feel terrible guilt for not taking action quickly, which could have saved her life. It's a terrible nightmare." }, { "number": "2958", "head": "05/05/96", "content": "I am watching as a disembodied observer. I see an old lady on a motorcycle. She refuses to put hub caps on her back wheels. She wants the spokes exposed. She wears leather and is feisty and independent. However, she decides she wants a job. She offers to be a delivery person for messages. She is hired, but as she takes the leather message pouch and lays it on the back wheel, the employer insists she cover the spokes with a hub cap. It annoys her a bit, but she complies because she thinks the job will be fun and she can see the sense of it. After all, it would not be safe to let the bag get caught up in the spokes when she's driving. So she takes the pouch with the papers inside to her destination. When she gets there, there are forms to fill out and she has lots of difficulty getting this done." }, { "number": "2959", "head": "05/17/96", "content": "I and a man are together in a hot air balloon. We are traveling over a mountain. We are very close, but trouble starts. The balloon rope starts to fall or disintegrate. I try to hold on to it. We drift over to the west toward the ocean and barely make it, now landing safely on the beach. How very nice - we can camp here. We land. I see a restroom right in front of the spot we decide to rest at. How convenient, but will it block our view of the beautiful ocean? I look over around to the right sand we can see the ocean, calm but also coming right up to our edge of the camp. I think to myself, \"Sure hope this is already high tide or that the calm conditions keep up or we'll not be safe here.\" We decide to stay." }, { "number": "2960", "head": "05/21/96", "content": "I am at a house, possibly my \"mom's\" house, and a combination party is happening. One group of people is my relatives and another group is my disabled friends. I go from one room to another, mingling and chatting. In the relative room, my mother, who is fairly young and pretty, and I tap dance together. Everybody likes that. We have fun. Then I go to the room with my disabled friends and we talk. Rochelle questions me critically. I made a statement and she'd say, \"Did you actually use the masculine pronoun?\" I just looked at her and said, \"Yes, I did\" (not politically correct, you know). Now a woman is going up on stage to sing a song with a big name rock band. I am her sister or friend and am asked to come on up and join in. So now there are four to six men from the rock group, \"Heads and Roses,\" mostly drummers, and her and me. She sings and I add some harmony. The song is about \"I love you Dad.\" Dad (not my real one) is out in the audience. Even though she is the star, I manage to get the last line in with excellent harmony and everyone is pleased." }, { "number": "2961", "head": "05/23/96", "content": "A baby kitten is being cute and is crawling up my pants leg. I am laughing and try to peel it off. I notice then that its claws are long and in deep and it is somewhat painful, but I finally get its claws off me." }, { "number": "2962", "head": "05/24/96", "content": "I am at some office building, maybe the newspaper. I meet Mark H and a man and we are talking. They show me a newspaper clipping from years ago about me and all the good works I am doing in the disabled community. Mark is gentle and sweet but somewhat distant. I tell him congratulations for getting the handicapped coordinator job at the community college and tell him I used to be that. I tell him he can call on me any time if he needs help or has questions. I do that to leave an opening so we could get together, if he wanted. Now I am at home. Mark and his sister and his cat come to visit. We all chat. Mark is shy, but seems to like me. I like him too. I hold his cat and the cat is loving and cuddles gently in my arms. It's as though I am holding him (Mark). This is a good sign. This means the cat, who is fussy, likes me a lot. This is important to Mark and his sister. Now they are leaving and I walk them out to the porch. Only now Mark is seated, semi laying down on a porch seat. I sit down near him and we talk. I look past him and see a huge river with lots of people playing and swimming. He asks me to describe the scene to him. I tell him it is a pleasant Sunday afternoon where people are all out to enjoy the wonderful weather and have fun. I tell him about four fat men who each stand ten feet apart and at a signal all fall in backwards into the river; the kids swimming and playing. A sled that looks like a snow sleigh goes by, with red painted trim. I describe that. A convertible car with no engine or hood in the front goes by, crawling over the couches near the bank. The driver is concerned that water is splashing into the empty place where the engine would be. He wants his spiffy car to stay spiffy. I say to him, \"I'm sorry,\" thinking I helped splash some water. Then I say to Mark, \"I'm always telling people I'm sorry.\" Mark and I are getting physically closer, our arms brushing each other. It is gentle and loving and shy. We are very attracted to each other. Mark tells me of his house, which is his but it's his mother's and his family is very important to him. Then I notice the river level is dropping. All of a sudden, the entire water contents of the river drain away and everyone falls to the bottom, including us. A man tells us that the water will be gone for one or two hours. I look up and see the man on a high balcony by a metal railing. The sun is warm and bright. I am looking up at him but aware I am shyly avoiding looking into Mark's eyes. I have Mark, a quad, folded up in my arms and I stand up and start walking, carrying him. The way is rough, stones, debris and boulders. It makes walking hard, but I am managing well. I get back up near the house and Mark says, \"My brother left a taped message in your van for you.\" I laugh and say, \"Then let's go hear it.\" We go back toward the van." }, { "number": "2963", "head": "05/26/96", "content": "Charla is not minding and I am angry and I am slapping her across the face and hitting her." }, { "number": "2964", "head": "05/26/96", "content": "Jake and I are traveling together. We stop at a motel. Jake is going to a conference. Some weird old lady who runs the motel chats with us. He looks at his brochure. Jake is very happy about the low cost and the great fun things he'll get to do at his conference. I seem to be along for the ride. The old lady shows us to our room and as she is still there. Several other people sort of wander through. A man on a bicycle cart that has video taped movies on it backs into the room. I go over and look for a good movie to watch. It would be fun to rent one, but they all seem to be boring or old titles and I can't find any I would be willing to watch. I say to Jake maybe he'd want to watch one of the old sci-fi ones. Jake says no. I notice he has blank write-in books there and say, \"Oh, I have plenty.\" He leaves. Several other people come in through another door like they'd just come downstairs. Now the lady says something about the river in the back. I want to see the view. I go to the window and look out. I think I see the river and then I see it is just the highway. I look across the highway and finally see a pretty waterfall further down on the right. Then I realize the river is right in front of me, across the highway. I feel a bit foolish at not seeing it right away. Now the old lady wants to show me something and we see an odd elevator that has build in cubby holes where books and so on are kept like in display in a store. It goes up, so that a series of these displays are run past me. I see some ink pens and she says I can choose one. I try a couple of them and find one that writes in thick black strokes. I like that one a lot. I choose a pretty blue one and then she offers that I can have one of each color. I take the purple one also." }, { "number": "2965", "head": "05/27/96", "content": "There are wild mustang horses and I and some man are catching them and riding them. They have cartoon-looking eyes and each one has a sign held up or somehow on their faces below their eyes. The signs are pieces of large white paper with words on them. Now we are doing a documentary on the Wild West or cattle drives or something. We interview cowboys and then three Indians come by and I approach them to ask for an interview. I say, \"I know we whites took your land and you have no trust of me, but I'd like to hear what you have to say.\" One takes an interest in me (I am a young, pretty woman with long black hair), He agrees to talk. Now the other man I'm with is the owner of a cattle herd and ranch and is doing a cattle drive. I decide at the last moment to tag along to help. I grab a horse, a blanket with a space blanket inside and some beef jerky kinds of food and gallop after them. This infuriates the man who chooses to ignore me or help me. If I freeze or starve, then fine. I follow along doggedly. At the ranch house, his mother says to me, \"Make him talk to you. Then maybe he'll stop being so cruel and stupid.\" I laugh and say, \"If I could, I would.\" He is adamant. Some other woman wants to help me and finds four umbrellas and ties them to my saddle bags. I say, \"How will these help me? I'll take them if you can convince me they will be helpful.\" The woman tries to think of a way they can be helpful and says they would make paper sounds when opened and this may scare the cattle into moving, or scare away predators. I am not convinced. I ride out of the house to catch up with the man on the cattle drive." }, { "number": "2966", "head": "05/30/96", "content": "I am seated on the right end of a couch. I feel tired. I notice a cobweb right in front of me with two spiders on it, which gives me the creeps. I inch my way over to the left side and start to get up. I say something and a man seated at a table just to the left is furious and angry with me. He tirades on about how filthy and lazy I am. A woman sits to his left at the table, and I look first at the man and then at the woman in shock at this tremendous outburst. I turn to my \"father\" also at the table and I say, \"Does he mean I don't bathe often enough and I stink, or does he mean I don't change my clothes often enough?\" My \"father,\" who is a stocky short man with thick dark hair and tired bags under his eyes, gets up and walks to me and kneels in front of me. (He looks like an older, tired Deepak Chopra.) He says, \"I love being around you best when you...\" and he gestures with his hand like he is wiping away tears. I'm not crying, but I do feel put upon and sad. Emotional, at any rate. Then he puts his head on my knees, rather than in my lap, and I have to reach a long ways to smoothe and caress his hair, which I do. I say, \"I just don't understand.\" He says, \"Ira Nah-nah,\" and looks at me knowingly, like I should get it." }, { "number": "2967", "head": "05/31/96", "content": "I am in a church community room and a group of church members are there. I have led them to believe that I am dying and they are having a ceremony for me. It is their tradition to gather in a semi-circle around the injured or dying person. Each member offers a gift and connects with the one who is dying in very touching, loving ways. The woman explaining uses the following example: \"If a dying person wants to be treated like a queen, then someone might bring them a robe and drape it over them and bow and treat them like a queen.\" So, first the group stands in the front of the room and sings \"Oh, Come all Ye Faithful.\" I stand in front of them, singing with them. I am deeply moved and near tears as I sing with them. The song is beautiful and I haven't sung for a long time, what with my throat difficulties. I am feeling very guilty for accepting all this outpouring of love on false pretenses, since I am not dying. Ellie is there sitting to my left. She looks at me, knowing I am cheating. [BL]" }, { "number": "2968", "head": "06/01/96", "content": "I am up all night with some people. I am tired. Ellie calls me up. She's had some premonition about me dying. Possibly Aunt Millie is around and we talk about it. Then a man friend named Richard comes over. He is heartbroken. He's in love with a woman who won't have him. I am supportive. Richard goes to see his Doctor and I go with him. It is 3:00 am and as Richard talks to the good-looking doctor (like Deepak Chopra in looks), people come to the door, one at a time and hand him handwritten notes. He pauses, reads them, smiles appreciatively at them and continues with Richard. One of those people is a young, frail teenage runaway girl. She has a crush on him. He is gentle with her. The doctor now asks me out for a dinner date. I smile and say yes. I like him and he likes me. The next night I come to his office. I am dressed in a sexy black dress. I am young and good-looking with a trim, firm figure, and I am wearing a coat, like a trench coat, over it. I want to dazzle him later with the surprise of how nice I look. He says, \"The car is over here.\" I look and see a tiny black sports car. It is very spiffy, but as we get to it, it is filled with rusty brown water. The top is down and perhaps it rained. I don't really care one way or the other. He is watching for my reaction. Then he says he has another car and opens a garage-like door. It is up a few feet (maybe 4 or 5 feet) from the ground level and covered with a car protection tarp. He unties the tarp and removes it and the car goes backwards like down a ramp and stops next to me. It is a plain brown station wagon. I cheerfully open the passenger side door and see three plants with red flowers on the floor on the passenger side and some cardboard boxes. While I am chatting with the doctor, I move the cardboard boxes to the back seat, asking his permission first, to clear a space for me to sit. He seems pleased that I take all this in pleasant nonchalance. Now he's driving and I am seated to his right and slowly we inch closer together. I'm still in my coat. Now we are close. I say, \"I used to live in cities but I don't like cities. I love small towns.\" He agrees. He loves small towns also. He says, \"There's hardly any more places left on earth that don't have a road coming to them.\" I turn my face toward him and his face is so close, I kiss his cheek tenderly. He smiles lovingly. We arrive somewhere and discover that my friend Richard has been arrested by some military man. Richard had fallen madly in love with another woman who is no good for him. I want to rescue Richard, so I approach the military officer and take my coat off slowly. The doctor is behind me so as I slowly drop my coat, the military man sees the front and the doctor sees the back. They are both mesmerized by my beauty. I have sufficiently distracted the military man and Richard runs for the small row boat. The doctor and I follow and the three of us shove out into this huge lake. I notice the tip of a brown creature's nose peeking out of the waves and feel a second of concern that it is a monster. We continue on. It is a bit difficult as the small boat bobbles in the waves." }, { "number": "2969", "head": "06/03/96", "content": "I am afraid of this young boy, young teen, maybe 12. He is going to hurt people, me included. I run from him, trying to block his route behind me. I am now in a house, with some other people -- a woman, a girl child and a nice man. I call the police. The boy is systematically eliminating each person. I dial 911 and calmly, but scared, tell them my name and address and this boy is killing everyone and he's after me. They must come at once. He's eliminated the woman, then the girl, and now he's got the man. I am still on the phone saying, \"If you don't come now, it will be too late.\" He turns off the TV and is approaching me. I bolt for the door, even though I know my best chance is to stay in the house until the police get there, but now it seems my only chance is to get away from him. I run. I am now at a lake or river with murky water. I am in the water and there is a fence to my left, dividing the water. I grab it with my hand. It is an electric fence and sharp jags of electricity play on it and jolt me. Then I (the dreamer) decide that no one would put an electrified fence over water. It would be too dangerous. I see the raft the boy made. It is a single log, tied at both ends with rope and the two other ends of the ropes are tied together at a docking like of thing. This makes a triangular shape of the log and the ropes. He yells at me angrily, \"No girl can touch my boat.\" He comes for me. He dives into the murky water and I use the log as a pole to keep him from me, and then as he bites my toe, attempting to bite it off, I use the pole to beat at him, trying to kill him before he gets me. I am afraid. He's got me and is gnawing through my toe. The pain is excruciating. I am screaming, \"Help, Help!\" to get the police to know this is where I am. Then I scream V, so they know it's me, the one who made the emergency 911 call. I wake up." }, { "number": "2970", "head": "06/03/96", "content": "A young man, sort of an older version of the young boy of the previous dream, is desperate to connect with me. He follows me and does whatever he can to be with me. This is dangerous to me. I feel bad for him and keep trying to get away. He pursues." }, { "number": "2971", "head": "06/03/96", "content": "The same young man finally commits suicide rather than continue to put me into danger from his desperate need. Since he can't stop himself, he must kill himself." }, { "number": "2972", "head": "06/05/96", "content": "Sharon L is teaching me to play a saxophone. At first I am terrible, with squeaks and noises, but with constant practice, I become very good. I am a man and on a stage. The audience is sparse and not too interested, but as I practice, the audience gets bigger and more interested. I decide to do a comedy act with the sax. The stage is very high. I see a paper with an article about 5th and 6th grade students and how as an audience they are disdainful and rude. They wander around and ignore and make noises talking among themselves. By now I am quite good and the audience is thick and attentive but very far away, and the stage is so very high. Now I have an orchestra of sorts with maybe five violins. I decide to expand and play the blues fiddle as well. I see Curtis Salgodo in the crowd and ask him to join me onstage playing the cello. We improvise. The music is very good. I'm thinking of learning the blues harp as well. Now the audience is also on the stage in raised seating behind me. I have only a narrow strip of stage to work on. I nearly fall off the front of the stage and get a dizzy sense of vertigo whenever I get close to the edge of the stage. I'm playing well and the audience is attentive, but distant." }, { "number": "2973", "head": "06/05/96", "content": "I am a woman who is being terrorized by a man who takes a medicine and is invisible. He grabs the steering wheel of the car I'm driving and tries to crash us and so on. I flee. Now I am a man and the same invisible man is after me. It is a life and death situation. I suspect my psychiatrist. I go into his office to see if I can find evidence. He comes in and I hide in his closet. a roomy coat closet. He comes in and I hide behind coats. He says to me, \"I can smell you. I know you're here.\" He tries to feel me but barely misses me. He leaves. Now I've driven up to my own cabin or house. I sing opera and a rock group wants me to sing with their band, blending the two forms of music. The invisible man comes. There are lots of people in the room and I fire my pistol into the invisible man many times. Everyone thinks I've gone crazy and I ask them to leave. The supposedly dead, invisible man lays under my pool table. I feel for a pulse; he is still alive and I shoot many more bullets into him. Finally he is dead. Then a second invisible man is after me. I fight him too. It is terrorizing a nightmare." }, { "number": "2974", "head": "06/17/96", "content": "I am F. Hayward and John Wayne and I are very attracted to each other. We want to be touching and physically close all the time. Meanwhile I have a difficult boss. I am about to be fired. I work hard and I feel bad. \"This is the second job where I got fired unjustly,\" I say to the snooty secretary. I want to explain my side to the boss. Now somehow I've created or am creating a movie. The boss is now the director or producer. He comes in and I tell him in a firm tone that he will ruin everything if he continues to use that authoritarian voice and lectures at the crew all the time. He must learn to listen, listen, listen well. John Wayne is standing by me ready to defend me or protect me. Now I look out the window and I see men swimming toward the very ritzy mansion I live in. I see a sailing boat, only it seems to be metal, like \"Old Ironsides\" with red running lights. I am the isolated hostess throwing a party for the people who have rejected me. I hope they will come. But I'm not sure they understood my side of the story. I wait, hopefully. Now these men are coming to the party to help back me up. I am pleased. The night is dark and the waters are dark. John Wayne had gone out and convinced them of my innocence. Now I see two women in evening dress approaching my front steps. They are hesitant, unsure if they should trust me. I encourage them to come in. Now the people come and we have a wonderful, happy party with dancing and music. I am wearing a beautiful flowing evening dress, of a 1940's or 50's vintage. John Wayne and I dance in anticipation of being alone to make wonderful passionate love. I am exonerated." }, { "number": "2975", "head": "06/18/96", "content": "I am traveling. I have borrowed Aunt Rosalie's car, a Thunderbird, 1979. It is a big Cadillac-like car, very powerful. I have some trouble managing the steering because it is so very sensitive and responsive to the slightest touch. I keep moving suddenly toward the other lane. The trunk has a special device to load heavy luggage and I use it for my power wheelchair. I think happily that I could get me one of these and then have the fun of a sweet fast car and be able to take my wheelchair. I stop now and am in a room with a piano, a black, shiny grand piano. I am auditioning for a very important director. I sing a blues or jazz like Ella Fitzgerald or some excellent singer. A star, an excellent singer, is also singing. We do a duet for part of the song. I sing well and with power. Then the song is over and I go over where some friends, or maybe strangers, are. One of them asks me what happened in one section of the song where I seemed to have no energy, or I was depressed. They were very serious and asked me if it was because the other woman and I were talking and the other woman confided in me that she can't have children. Did that mess up our timing because we got so depressed? I say, \"No not at all. Sure we talked and it was sad. But what messed up my timing was the fact that I was so scared and in awe of the caliber of talent at this convention or contest.\" Really fine musicians are here and I was afraid they'd laugh at me or wonder how I even got into the contest, I was so inferior. The other chuckled that I can't even see my own talent, because it is obvious to them that I am comparable to the others." }, { "number": "2976", "head": "06/19/96", "content": "I have a questionnaire and I need three women and three men to answer it for me. I am on a bus and the door is open. A swarming crowd of revelers are all around. I watch as a man with a blue face lies on the sidewalk and tells the woman he's with that he loves her. I chuckle because it is obvious they are strangers and the man is horny. I try to ask several men to fill out the questionnaire. They are too rushed and busy. One hesitates and I kindly assure him he can go on, I can find someone else. Now the bus accidentally got caught in the Rose Parade. The marchers are a bit annoyed at us and we try to drive out of the way and park in a parking lot. We see a man who is very angry at a policeman for reprimanding him and he is angrily smashing the policeman's car to bits. Now I am in a huge house, perhaps a mansion. I am worried about Charla. A woman has lured her away and has taken her into one of the rooms and is molesting her. I see an image of Charla with her vagina exposed. I race from room to room opening doors and looking. I hear Charla calling off in the distance. Maybe she's on the third floor. I keep looking, worried. [BL]" }, { "number": "2977", "head": "07/18/96", "content": "Metaphors are physical objects and can be found." }, { "number": "2978", "head": "07/18/96", "content": "I am interested in this man, but he is married and some woman says that Lucy sure is focused on the wife. In fact, she thinks the word \"dead\" frequently when she thinks of the wife." }, { "number": "2979", "head": "07/18/96", "content": "I am in a room. We are working with people who come in and tell their dreams. One man comes in and goes on and on about aliens and spaceships and so on, talking like he dreamed it. But I quickly catch on that he is mentally ill and just talking about his insane point of view of the world. Other people finally catch on and leave, disgusted or annoyed. I don't leave for awhile, hanging out to get the attention of this man. Lucy is around." }, { "number": "2980", "head": "07/21/96", "content": "There are a lot of men who seem to be demandingly attracted to me. They are pushy and I am upset. I must defend myself and attempt to get them shoved out the doors and get the doors locked. They are poking at me and I am hitting back. There is a narrow hall somewhere. The locks don't work very well." }, { "number": "2981", "head": "07/21/96", "content": "Some man is talking about politics and then he is R. from the Blues Power show on a radio station. I look at him surprised because I remembered him looking much different in real life." }, { "number": "2982", "head": "07/22/96", "content": "I am busy doing things and then Archie comes up to me. I think we are outdoors walking down a sidewalk. He hugs me enthusiastically and twirls me around so strongly my feet leave the ground and I am flying perpendicular to the ground. He reminds me that the dance performances are tonight (Tuesday) and hopes to see me there. I had forgotten and there was something else I planned to do that night. So I readjust and fit it into my plans. I go to the building and wander around the halls until I find the right room. I notice I am now wearing my old bikini style swimsuit. My legs and stomach are thin and nice-looking but my breasts are quite huge and the top of the swimsuit is partly undone and the breasts keep sort of falling out under the halter top. I keep trying to fix it so I'm not so exposed. I go in and people are preparing their individual spaces and props for their performance. I look around to find the right spot to put mine. I choose one place and then decide it's too much in the way of traffic and move it to another area. I lay out a couple of bunches of bananas in an artful way and hope no one comes along and takes a banana to eat; it will ruin the composition I made. Now I leave to go back and do what I had already planned, intending to return in time to do the performance. Now I can't find the van. I can't remember where I parked it. I am outside in the parking lot. I see what might be my van, but it turns out to be a station wagon with some hippie man on the top with all his wares spread out. I am relieved it isn't my van. I thought he was on my van. I see another vehicle, but it turns out not to be my van. I now am worried and annoyed with myself for not paying more attention to where I parked it. I go down a city street. No van." }, { "number": "2983", "head": "07/26/96", "content": "I am moving to an old house with odd rooms that spread out all over. Dwight/Howard is going to help me. Lucy and two babies are there. I am holding one and she is holding the other. We are trying to get them to nap as I walk around trying to think and organize how to manage this huge task. Finally, I get the baby to sleep. I open a door and it is a small bathroom. Really, only a bathtub is in it. I look at the kitchen, which has two or three wooden oak tables (dining room type) hanging way up on the wall for counter space. That will be awkward. Dwight/Howard comes in and I am frustrated trying to get his attention. He finally listens to my ideas but sighs and says, \"It won't work. We made a mistake buying this rambling house and a mistake moving to M City. We belong back in the valley, so let's not take such care where things go and only unpack the essentials until we can move again.\" He then suggests we be friends again. I say, \"No way.\" Now I kind of give up and sit on the couch with an older woman. I make a snide remark about how she can't work either because she's so old, and I can't work, cause I'm so old too. It's a sort of frustrated joke. Nothing seems to be going right. No one is helping. [BL]" }, { "number": "2984", "head": "07/28/96", "content": "Some man and I have a huge brick house like an old mansion. I am making a landscape plan and trying to decide where to put the new trees and where to put the flower garden. I see a huge old tree that springs out of the same seed as three other trees that are smaller. I decide to put a new tree in the corner by the brick wall of the mansion. But a terrible storm is brewing. All the neighbors are leaving the neighborhood because the big beautiful trees are going to fall down and it is dangerous. We decide to stay and weather it out in our strong house. We go in and now others are with us. We go up to the top floor. One woman goes out on a balcony and nearly falls over the edge. I warn everybody to be careful because the marble and the stones are slippery. Meanwhile I am aware that there are spirits and ghosts there. One may have pushed the woman who nearly went over the edge. Ellie says her mother and father-in-law were there, in spirit form because they were dead. I feel scared." }, { "number": "2985", "head": "07/28/96", "content": "I have hired two men to work as my personal assistants while I am in class. One is Paul (from acting class) and one is a Chicano man. I come in late and fuss with my stuff and don't pay much attention to the teacher. Then Paul comes over. He is angry at me. He says I don't want to work with you any more. You're not really interested in the classes, you only want the attention. I am offended and uppity. I say, \"I don't care if he quits, I hardly use him anyway. I do things myself.\" He walks away, but hangs around watching me in disapproval. Meanwhile I ask the Chicano man to do something and I realize I haven't bothered to pay him for weeks. I try to figure out how much I owe him. I hadn't really used his services for a long time but I did keep him on the payroll. So I write a check for $45, after deliberating if I should given him the third week, since I couldn't remember how long it was since I paid him. I decide to do the right thing and guess on the generous side. He is happy and Paul is impressed that I still have some humane values left. I try to enter the class like a regular student, not being late and making a fuss." }, { "number": "2986", "head": "07/29/96", "content": "I am in a crowd of people. We are teens or young adults at a movie. Some man says to me as we are leaving, \"You didn't behave well this time. You left early and attracted attention.\" Later me and my friends come back to ride in hot air balloons. It's a contest of some kind. I am in mine and I hold a goose close to my chubby belly. It lays an egg. We go up and float around. It's fun." }, { "number": "2987", "head": "07/30/96", "content": "I am at Ginny's house, only I've never seen this house. It's big and nice, but configured all wrong for her real house. Ginny is throwing some special dinner party because I'd had some kind of experience with some people and she wanted to celebrate it. It's her way of being involved, only everything went wrong. She set up computer monitors at each table and each table had a \"field\" sign which indicated which people would sit at that table. I sit at one table which is more like a TV tray and start to eat, but she says I'm at the wrong table. I'm kind of glad because I don't like the people at that table. I look around for some people I would like to be around. She hands me a postcard from a mutual friend and I read it, sitting on the couch next to her. All the other guests are milling around, unsure of when things start and what to do. Ginny is confused and keeps saying it's ready and then it doesn't happen. The people at the party are odd. There's a young boy who annoyed me and his father who defends him; a young princess-like woman who is totally selfish and her mother that defends her; a deaf woman and Jackie McC and her husband. I am now in a small adjoining room with the mother and daughter. The daughter is very upset because her lovely evening gown has a big hole in it. I had watched the deaf woman using water to wash that spot and it shrunk up the material. The mother is irate. I tell them to their faces I don't like them and their attitudes. They are very upset with me. Then I see Jackie falling and hurting her head and laying down on a couch and her husband all concerned. I say to the mother, \"That Jackie, always an actress.\" I then barge in to do a funny bit. I pretend to be a helpful, concerned person and end up making her very miserable. I stand over her and insist she drink this milk concoction which I force down her throat. She does, but she spills it back up. I see it coming and do a \"funny\" routine about, \"Are you going to.. no, you wouldn't. You wouldn't dare...Oh, you did.\" I feel a bit uncertain, because I begin to realize she really is hurt and wasn't acting and I've just made it worse. Just like Ginny made a bad situation worse with her intense attempt to be included. Ernie is there and I look out a back window and see the garage floor down maybe a full story. I say, \"Wow, that's a long drop\" and feel vertigo. I back away from the edge." }, { "number": "2988", "head": "08/05/96", "content": "I am watching as a bus comes around the corner of the house I'm in. A friend and neighbor, a man is driving the bus for kicks and the dark-haired woman driver is standing near the door laughing. It's all a good time joke. I laugh. Now I walk down the sidewalk to the woman's house. I buy a lace beige dress for $17. I am now eating oatmeal and drop a hot blob of it on my lap. It melts a big hole in the lace pattern. I am very surprised. I say to the woman, who is now playfully in the lap of the man, who I like, \"I guess I'll have to ask for my money back.\" I don't want us to quarrel about this since my man friend seems to like her so much. I also feel a bit sad or jealous it is her and not me. She says quietly, \"No, I don't give refunds.\" I am a bit annoyed, but still want us to be on friendly terms. I say, \"Are you saying this happens to all the dresses like this? Because if it only happened to mine, then I have a defective dress and should be refunded. If it is all the dresses, then you sell defective merchandise and I should be refunded. Maybe I'll go find a lawyer and talk to him about my rights.\" She agrees to refund me." }, { "number": "2989", "head": "08/05/96", "content": "Some airplane wreck happened and one man is injured and another big plump man and I are in a room with the injured man. Richard, the big man, is the investigator and I am helping. The airline representative keeps coming in to Richard and saying, \"The airline says they will give you _____\" and Richard laughs and says, \"Not good enough.\" While we wait for her to return, Richard and I playfully tease each other and talk. I tell him how my hair is all ruined now because I accidentally cut the bangs funny. Now I can't sing the blues right. He creates a poster that basically says that I am psychologically injured over my appearance being ruined. I think that's a bit much, but I seriously tell him how people think this is just a small thing, but it is really affecting my life in a big way. Richard is empathetic. We are annoyed that the airlines has put us in the very back room, behind the gymnasium, and there's even open doorways that lead out to other rooms where they are rented out for weddings. I see some bridesmaids lined up in the hall. So Richard and I go out for a walk and get outside. We lie down on the sidewalk near the grass. We're sort of in a wagon. I am holding a newborn baby. She is really cute and I enjoy her. But Richard is starting to want to get close and amorous. He puts her down by my feet in a small corner. I look to make sure she can still breathe there. She is fine. Then a man comes over, obviously an old friend of Richard's. He hugs Richard and kisses him and Richard laughs and says, \"Hey, don't. She'll get the wrong idea.\" The man is pretending to be amorphous to tease Richard. I look at his hair. It's a bit messy, graying and balding, but he sure could sing the blues. I am impressed and he walks away singing the blues. Now I have the sweet baby girl in my arms and I am driving my wheelchair around the lawn, avoiding running over people laying on the grass and enjoying the ride with the baby." }, { "number": "2990", "head": "08/09/96", "content": "I am in a small town with Patricia and Charla. There is going to be a parade and a turkey roundup. We are walking down the street trying to find the best place to see the turkey roundup. We pass many people lined up on the streets to watch the parade. Finally we realize we've gone too far. I do see a place behind us that has music and big klieg lights. I figure that must be the place. We walk back to that place and see several circles of people dancing in bright and colorful costumes, but no turkeys. Now we go up some stairs into a building and find children in a circle to do the kid turkey roundup. We see the kids trying to catch baby turkeys. Charla goes into the circle. I see a turkey chick (which looks pretty much like an eagle or owl) on the back shoulder of a boy. Now Charla has her turkey and we decide to head back home, only now we are flying in a plastic laundry basket. We are looking at this new city called Yamhill which is all manmade. Patricia is saying that it is a shame that underneath all this beauty and modern convenience are debris and decay. Hidden beneath the pretty buildings and the manmade lakes are piles of rubbish. I nearly fall out of the basket several times as we fly over the city." }, { "number": "2991", "head": "08/12/96", "content": "I am at some religious healing revival meeting. Bonnie and Mateo are with me and some other woman. Behind me is an older woman and her husband. She is trying to talk to me and then starts repeating her words, like she's caught in a do-loop where she starts a sentence and can't finish it so she goes back and tries again. The husband cautions us not to interrupt her because that makes it worse. I have seated myself so I am near the aisle so I can wheelchair out if I need to. But as more people arrive, that aisle is filled up. I am given a huge syringe with a long needle. I watch another woman as she stabs herself with it and injects the healing fluid (which looks like water). I try it and make a stab at my leg. It goes through the muscle and out the other side (through the skin, really). The fluid leaks out I try and save it." }, { "number": "2992", "head": "08/18/96", "content": "I am piloting a plane, a fighter jet. I am flying low over the most beautiful terrain -- blue waters, deep canyons, mountains. I struggle to keep the nose up so I don't hit rough rocks and mountain jags. The terrain becomes rough and barren. I decide I prefer the more beautiful stuff and it shifts. Now I notice I am nearly out of gas. Apparently I was so enthralled with the flying and the beauty I neglected to notice the status of my fuel. I am embarrassed and concerned. I radio in a help call. An airport nearby answers. Then I run out of gas and have to try and hang glide in without power. It is a difficult struggle, but I manage it well. I land relatively safe, with the nose of the plane up against the back wall. There are some dents, but it is all in all intact. I am proud of my flying and others come over, also impressed." }, { "number": "2993", "head": "08/26/96", "content": "I am going down a street and see Archie, who is very sad. He is growing older and has a disability, a limp or something. He can't do his dance as he has before. I point out I know what that's like. I try and be sympathetic with him. I am interrupted by a woman who works for Lori and Dan T. She asks me to come to the office. I tell Archie to wait and I go into an office room. Lori is there, rather upset with me, and hands me a paper. I feel trapped and don't want to deal with this face to face, but now that I am here, let's get it over with. The paper is a bill for a phone call made by a Mr. Nelson for $48. She wants me to pay it. I hesitate and then get clear. \"No,\" I say, \"I will not pay this bill. It is not my bill. And furthermore I am very unhappy that you billed me for the carpet. I will not pay for that. In fact, I am expecting you to reimburse me my prorated rent and my security deposit.\" She becomes very upset and dramatically says to her woman assistant she cannot listen to any more of this. Her face is contorted in over-dramatic nerves. I am aware of Archie waiting for me across the street. I feel compelled to try and get to him, before he gets upset and leaves. I am caught in the middle again. [BL]" }, { "number": "2994", "head": "08/27/96", "content": "I am with some people. The men are selfish and rude. They get ahead of me and create a wooden sidewalk to where they want to go and it blocks my access. I ask them, \"What about me?\" They pay no attention. Now they are pushy and hurtful. I go into a house and find a man on a bed with blood all over him. He is very badly injured. I ask him if he needs me to call 911. He can't speak because of the pain, but nods his head yes. I try to find a phone. Finally, I have had enough. Those harassing men are after me. I had been trying to be accommodating, but now I just want them away from me. I'm tired of them hurting me. I yell at them, \"Get into the boat! Get into the boat!\" I shove them off and then see they have taken my purse. I demand they return it, saying, \"I suppose you've taken all my money and credit cards.\" They arrogantly toss the purse at me. I am angry." }, { "number": "2995", "head": "08/28/96", "content": "I and some other women are in a room. I see water pouring into the room. I get very concerned. The room will fill up soon and we will drown. We look for an escape route. I see a window. We end up in another room, only the water is following us. I look out another window and see a huge drop off. It's a well or tower area, but I look way up and see daylight. There's an open area up there. It's our only chance -- to go with the flow of water out the window and dog paddle in it until it rises up high enough to reach that light. It's like walking into death and riding it up to life. We do so and successfully make it, only to find that area of the castle is filled with men who intend to rape us. What irony! [BL]" }, { "number": "2996", "head": "08/30/96", "content": "Nate returns. He is drunk. I am glad to see him. We begin to make love. Nate is angry and verbally abusive. I try to ignore that and stay with the sexual feelings. It's taking a long time to get to orgasm. An old woman walks in and chides Nate for his slowness. Nate stops. I am sexually frustrated. The old woman and I go to the \"Hollywood\" elevator to go upstairs. It is a raised seat, like a throne with a canopy over it. She and I sit on either side of the chair rather than decide who gets to sit on the throne. Somehow the sexual feelings are still there and maybe the old woman and I are going to finish it when we get upstairs." }, { "number": "2997", "head": "08/30/96", "content": "I am working at someplace where I work with the troubled cases. We have been given orders to move to another location. I feel tired. I am now looking for the new place. I see that it's a huge dorm or fraternity type house. I go past the eating booths. I find a sort of kitchen and then see a sign that says, \"student rooms.\" I go in there and find long tables. I see Darryl sitting at the end of the one right by the door. I am very surprised and pleased to see him. I say, \"Hi.\" He is happy to see me. I squat down and look up at him while he lays on his belly on the table and talks. He tells me some stuff about how he is working here now too. His face is very pimply. It is not so attractive. He looks as young as in high school, a teen. I answer his question and say, \"I work with the troubled cases.\" He is a cook or cook's helper. It is time for him to go get the next rolling cart of food. He goes into an elevator and goes down. I wait. He comes back up. I peak in and see bologna slices on the cart. He doesn't want me to touch them." }, { "number": "2998", "head": "09/01/96", "content": "I am watching a man working hard, over and over trying to figure out what his dream symbols mean. I begin to have feelings of empathy and affection. In fact, I look him over and decide I wouldn't mind making love to him. I then tell him that I know what his dream symbols mean, because I dream the same ones. I tell him I am in lots of pain all the time, so the dreams where many people are hurting me and biting me is me hurting myself. I seem to be getting closer to him physically as I talk and I also become very sleepy, or I am pretending to be sleepy. It's like I'm drunk and it's kind of cute. He smiles at me and now my head is laying on his chest and we are cuddling. He says, \"I love you.\" I say, \"I know. And I love you.\"" }, { "number": "2999", "head": "09/01/96", "content": "I am driving a car right behind a car that is making the road. It is the command car of the road construction crew. We are driving slow. It is hard to be patient. Finally after a long time it is made enough that we can go on. I am napping, I am tired. Now I wake up and Lydia, Caroline, and Delia are here. I now see the top of my head as if I am looking down on someone else's head. It is bald across the top part and there are big red welts, like my arthritis bumps on my elbows. I feel sick about it. I almost sense relief that I can wear wigs now and have pretty hair-dos. But I also feel bad I have to wear wigs. It's so false and uncomfortable." }, { "number": "3000", "head": "09/02/96", "content": "I am in a room and Archie comes in. He is wrinkled and wears half glasses perched on the end of his nose. He looks in his forties. He is annoyed with me. I think I took a class from him and he's not going to give me a passing grade. I sit over by a very huge fish tank, several hundreds of gallons big. I see some angel fish and others. Some of the fish I must have gotten from when I was married to Howard; others are newer. The water is very cloudy and murky. It hasn't been cleaned in a long time." }, { "number": "3001", "head": "09/03/96", "content": "I am in a room with lots of people, a classroom. A short funny guy, like on that TV Burt Reynolds's show, is the instructor. He is running around, full of high energy and talking non-stop. I am in the row chosen to do some role playing, some acting. I am given the role of being unmarried and having an important project to do (like write a book or play) and therefore I don't want to get married. I have more important things to do. He prompts me that it is my turn. I go up to the teacher's desk where another man is. We ad-lib. He says, \"So are you getting married?\" and I answer in my cute, feisty way, \"Married!! Don't be silly. I've got these important projects to do.\" They love what a good actress I am. I go sit down. Now it is the next day and I pick up the newspaper. I see a huge picture of people seated, maybe in a stadium or an auditorium. I see a woman that looks a bit like me. I read the story and caption under the picture. It is about me and what a great job I did acting. I bask in the glory and tell my daughter, \"Well, here's another newspaper story about me that my friends and acquaintances will see.\" I feel proud." }, { "number": "3002", "head": "09/03/96", "content": "There's the same little man as the previous dream. It's the next day. A friend of mine, like Marti S, is very upset with him. He had made some public remarks that indicate she isn't authentic or wasn't accurate. We go to his class again. I sit back in the room, wondering if he will see me and remember me. The room is very crowded. He comes in, prancing with energy. Marti raises her hand and he calls on her and she goes on and on, not making much sense, challenging him. He takes the challenge well, and appoints a row of students to help him test her and judge how she did. She says some words and he will check them out. Then he sees me and comes over by me. I see a picture of his two adorable children and his wife. He says, or I realize, that he is a wheelchair man. He loves women who are in wheelchairs. I am attracted to him, but don't want to disturb his family. He is attracted to me too. Now he is showing a film as educational evidence. I move to sit on a big double bed with a blue chenille bedspread. I walk over there, noticing I am walking pretty good. I sit. Later I feel the bed bouncing as he wiggles his way over next to me on the right side. He lays on his back, half slid off the bed, looking up at me. I see children in the movie. I wonder if they are his. I hear his voice doing the narration." }, { "number": "3003", "head": "09/04/96", "content": "I am in India. I am overwhelmed with all the sick people and I am trying to help heal them. A man asks me to his office to talk. He is attracted to me. He takes my hand. His hand is brown. He holds a red flower in his hand and he puts our hands together with the flower between us so that as we shake hands, the flower is crushed so that it's sweet perfume is on both of us. It is some courting ritual. I believe the man is an Indian doctor. I am distracted, with so much to do." }, { "number": "3004", "head": "09/05/96", "content": "I am trying to send a huge text file on the Internet to Russia. They are going to help me. But I begin to wonder if this is too big a text to be sent and if the Russians can be trusted to work with it and return it. Now, I am watching a group of women, young, who are hanging out having some kind of ritual party to get rid of the \"losers\" they had dated. There is some kind of container with a sign on it about the \"losers.\" You can ritualistically put your \"loser's\" name in the pot. One woman is more aloof from the others. I see her leg as she steps out from the side to watch." }, { "number": "3005", "head": "09/05/96", "content": "I have fallen out of the sky, perhaps an airplane, and am lost up in the mountains in the deep snow. I feel like giving up. It's too much to imagine I can make it back down the mountain. Then I realize I must try. I crawl and struggle. Someone else is in a house trying to watch TV. She has a movie on one channel and another movie comes on. It is confusing. By the time I come down off the mountain, I have an injured leg. [BL]" }, { "number": "3006", "head": "09/08/96", "content": "I am sitting on the ground. Abner, my cousin, comes over to me and sits beside me. He gently puts his arm around me. We have had to not be romantic all our lives because we are cousins. But now we are older and can't have children, so it's OK for us to be romantic and have a loving relationship. I feel strange, like this isn't right, and yet I am drawn to the soft, quiet, loving sense of it. Now Willie drives up and sees us. He is jealous. Now the three of us are in his car driving somewhere. They both love me. I sit between them. I love Abner best." }, { "number": "3007", "head": "09/11/96", "content": "I am looking through an old box of things and come across a newspaper clipping. I also see a paper I wrote on. The beginning word of each sentence created its own sentence, when you put them together. I chuckle to see my old childish way of coding words. I read the words. It says, \"I am a playwright.\" I look at the newspaper clipping: a head and shoulders shot of me, like when I was the manager of the Fair Store in M City. The paragraph under it said I had received some awards for my writing. Some man, who is annoyed and jealous, says that I always get mentioned before and after banquet events. How come? I feel a little embarrassed." }, { "number": "3008", "head": "09/11/96", "content": "I am going to see some kind of event, maybe a fair or a sporting event. Jake may be with me. I walk down many, many stairs, looking for the place. It doesn't seem to be that many people around. I go into a room and a fun ride is there. I want to go on it, so I sit down on the dresser. There should be a basket like thing to sit in, but it's not there. A woman goes and gets a wire basket, white, and places it so I can put my feet in it and have better support that way. The ride begins and it is actually fun as the dresser swirls and twirls around the room. It is more exciting than I usually experience with this kind of ride." }, { "number": "3009", "head": "09/12/96", "content": "I am lying down in a car somewhere and three different people and a couple are trying to have sex with me. It is very unpleasant. There are no sexual feelings, just a sense of disgust and being used and forced. They get up and leave and one man is still there, and I say to him, \"I hope that doesn't happen again.\"" }, { "number": "3010", "head": "09/12/96", "content": "I am in a room and my stepfather and my \"mother\" and some other people are there. I am experiencing some pain on the inside of my mouth on the right cheek, like I bit it and it is sore. The stepfather is distant and not helpful as I point out my pain. [BL]" }, { "number": "3011", "head": "09/13/96", "content": "Jerome comes into the room. He is having an affair with a woman, or maybe with me. I see his wife and feel wary. Jerome and I talk, exchanging some key or a lock on the sly. His wife has no idea. I think Jerome is very cute and good-looking. I am somewhat attracted to him and he to me." }, { "number": "3012", "head": "09/15/96", "content": "I see a data form. The name B. is typed out. There are other columns laid out, but when I push, or perhaps some other woman pushes the computer buttons, the columns shift around into different configurations and sizes. I am organizing something. I do it in chunks or blocks. [BL]" }, { "number": "3013", "head": "09/15/96", "content": "I am in a huge Victorian house with other people. There are lots of kids. I am going down the halls and seeing groups of kids spilling out of the rooms and into the hallways. Now water is rushing in and I must run as fast as I can upstairs to the roof. I make it to the small windowed room at the very top. Now that room is like a space craft, NASA to be exact, hexagonal in shape, or the cone tip on the rocket. We must escape. I and some others are put into a suspended state, sort of like the beam-up thing in Star Trek. It disengages all our molecules, stores them and when we arrive at the new planet, which will support human life, we are reassembled. We travel hundreds of years and then I am reactivated. I guess earth was being destroyed and the smartest and best leaders, especially with good facilitating skills, were chosen to start the new home." }, { "number": "3014", "head": "09/16/96", "content": "I am going to have to travel since I now am in some military or spy organization. I look into the mirror at my hair. It is coal black and then I notice that only a small part of the front is black, the rest is my usual brown-gray color. A man offers to help me make my hair look better. I am alone and isolated and agree to let him help me. I shampoo my hair, standing up at the mirror. Then he shapes and cuts my hair. Now I am moving into my new quarters. I look out the window and see snow falling, a light dusting on the ground and the grass ends at the beginning of a giant wall of the other cement building. It's a big complex. I then look into the room and survey the sparse furniture, the lack of any decorations, etc., a single bed. I feel lonely." }, { "number": "3015", "head": "09/17/96", "content": "I am in a car, driving. I look ahead and see the road is slathered with oil. I guess they are repaving the road. I hesitate, thinking I won't go because I'll ruin the car and besides, maybe the road doesn't go through and I'll get stuck. Then I see another car coming through from the other way and know I can get through. I see the oil is splattered in a thick layer on the front of the car from them going too fast and splashing it all over themselves. I decide to try it, but slower. I don't feel good about the decision, but decide to do it anyway. I start driving. It is slick. Now I am in the back seat of a limo with gangsters. I have been captured by the son of a gangster. They are going to kill me because my father, also a gangster, killed the son's father's brother. Now they seek revenge. He is pursuing me, but he is also attracted to me, and somewhere deep in me I am attracted to him, but I am running from him for my life. I also profess hatred of him. I am aloof and distant. Now I am told to sit in the front seat. I do so; there are maybe six gangster guys in the two back seats. I fall asleep. Now the car stops and he opens the passenger side door to wake me up, but he watches my sleeping face, falling in love with me. He leans down and slowly and sweetly kisses me. I respond to him lovingly and then wake up to realize what I've done and go back to my frozen, distant posture. But now he knows I love him too. We have arrived at a small shabby cabin by the beach. It is empty of any furnishings. I am standing in the living room, near a window that looks out to the beach front. The father is in the back bedroom. The son goes in there, walks into a closet and changes his clothes. The father says, \"We are going to kill you, because your father killed my brother.\" I am watching the son in the closet and I say, \"Maybe you should force me to be his maid (was thinking wife). I would hate that above all else.\" The father likes this idea. He pushes it up one more level and says, \"You will be my son's wife,\" thinking that would be hell for me and a suitable revenge. Now the father is gone and I see the son approaching me. I back up, trying to stay away from his radiant charm because it is so hard to resist. I am backed literally into a corner of the room and I turn my back to him, my face into the corner. He walks sensually up to me, puts his hands on my shoulders and turns me back around to face him and slowly, like in the movies, kisses me. I try to resist but my true feelings leaks out into that kiss. He smiles down at me and whispers, \"That's all I wanted to know.\"" }, { "number": "3016", "head": "09/20/96", "content": "I am trying to convince this man, who is aloof and does not respect me, that I am not a sexual slut as he seems to be convinced I am. I am looking at a scrapbook with each of my previous boyfriends in it, in chronological order. Each one has a fond memory but the overall feeling of each one is that he was a mistake. There was something wrong with each one, bad choices." }, { "number": "3017", "head": "09/20/96", "content": "Ernie is seated at my computer and working on something to help me get things straightened out. I am at the back of the computer looking at the connections. Something needs to be plugged in again and he says he will do it for me and I say, \"No, I need to learn to do it.\" I plug a yellow round wire end into a tiny yellow hole, and the same with a black one and then I hesitate with the pink one and Ernie says, \"Yes, that's right, you've got it.\" I grin and say, \"I only watched it being done before. It's hard to remember how to do things unless you do them yourself.\" He agrees. I then find my wheelchair, which is sort of folded up like a manual. I struggle to unfold it myself. The backpack, or recharger, is stuck and Ernie reaches over and unhooks it so I can continue." }, { "number": "3018", "head": "09/23/96", "content": "I am staying over night at Ernie and Ginny's, although the house I've never seen before (in real life). I had been trying to sleep, but can't. I had been watching a TV program about a nine hundred and something pound man in a manual wheelchair. He used to be a football player. Now I get up and go downstairs. I am in my nightie, so I hope the front room curtains are pulled. Then it looks like they aren't; I rush up to close them. And I see it was an optical illusion, they really were closed. Now I turn on the TV again to continue watching the show about the fat, disabled man. He moves with grace, the blubber on him sort of bouncing and flowing around him. Someone thinks or the narrator says that it is kind of fascinating to watch. You gain some measure of respect or empathy when you get to know him. Now Ernie comes in from outside, he and Ricardo. He is surprised to see me up at 4:00 in the morning. I tell him I couldn't sleep so I got up for awhile. He asks how I'm doing on the dictionary. I say I'm still writing. He asks me why. I say because it's a way of talking out-loud to myself to hear what I'm thinking. Then I realize he said dictionary. I say, \"Oh, I thought you meant journal.\" I then say, \"The reason I'm still working on the dictionary is that I am a poor speller. It's just a disability I have. I have to check each word's spelling, the endings and if it's in the right nook.\" Ernie is a bit disdainful; that it takes me so long. He mentions he had a couple of accidents and hurt himself. He then had a quick vision. He said three things, one of which was an eagle and a feather. I am impressed with this powerful vision. I know he will look down on me for this, but I say, \"It is similar to a dream, isn't it?\" Ernie shrugs his shoulders and says nonchalantly, \"Of course, you'd try and find meaning in it. It's just that in my family people die of this and it got me to thinking.\" I say, sympathetically, \"Ah, well, in my family they die of stomach cancer. We each have our thing to die with.\" Ernie then wants to know if I can sleep single, meaning can I join a person on the couch hide-a-bed. He is concerned for me and wants me to get my sleep. I say, \"No thanks. I'll stay up awhile and then go back to my bed upstairs.\" He asks again, a different way. I decline. He shrugs and says good night." }, { "number": "3019", "head": "09/24/96", "content": "I am walking around a sort of track and field shaped area. It's a store. I need to go pee and find a bathroom. I sit and pee and pee, but can't get relief. I hear the loud sound of peeing and feel the pee going down my leg. I get up, a bit uncomfortable about all that urine all over my dress and in my moccasins. I walk on. I see a deli counter, sort of a Safeway Bakery. I find a bag of rolls or muffins and decide to get one. I read the ingredients to make sure there is no sugar in them. I continue strolling. As I walk, I nearly step on the end row boat of a string of boats. It is a rowing team. Justin, Lucy's husband, is learning to row and is lying down on his back in the last boat (like it's a train of them). I smile and apologize for nearly stepping on him. I think I embarrassed him and feel bad about that. I choose a sweater to buy. I put it on and notice it is quite huge, longer than my dress. I see Delores M and she has a sweater like it. It is pink knit, half sleeves. I notice I can see my dress underneath the sweater. Delores is telling me how she fought with the telephone company over a one thousand dollar bill and they agreed to remove 300 dollars of it. She was quite proud of that. I congratulate her. I say to Delores, \"It looks like I'd better always wear a dress under this thing. After all, my boyfriend is disabled, but he's not blind.\" A group of young women burst out laughing at my amusing joke. I grin and stroll on. I still have to pee, so as I am walking, I pee down my leg. I am a bit embarrassed about the urine smell and being in public. I sit at a cafe table and three men join me; I continue peeing, hoping they don't notice." }, { "number": "3020", "head": "09/25/96", "content": "I am at some college function. The entertainment, two black men who are blind, comes. I happen to be sitting right where they sit down. I am pleased and say things like, \"My friend Lucy is blind.\" The black man, with thick lips and dreadlocks, looks toward me scornfully and says, \"Who asked you?\" Then he starts picking on me. He asks me how come my lips look so funny, all pursed out when I say words. I start to explain it's a combination of entertainment and it's also sort of the way my lips just move. Then I say to him, \"Well, you should talk. Look at your lips, all thick.\" We do this back and forth for a while. Now I am running on a track. There is a cluster of uniformed track women running ahead. I, the dreamer, watch them pass and I look way beyond them down the track and see me dead last. I have a limp and I am slow, but I am up and I am running. I feel good about that. Now I go to my dorm room, only I accidentally go to the 7th floor and have to walk back down some stairs. I find the name Vfabray and know that's my roommate's name. I go in and see belated Xmas presents for Charla have arrived. I open them, and notice my roommate has already opened some and put the tiger lily flowers up in a hanging plant thing. It looks pretty, but I wish she'd waited for Charla. I look out the window and see some things like kites flying around, not making it very high and crashing to the ground. They are not damaged." }, { "number": "3021", "head": "09/25/96", "content": "A word would float by and I'd contemplate it, trying to figure out what category it would fit in. I remember the word \"set.\" I couldn't seem to figure it out." }, { "number": "3022", "head": "09/26/96", "content": "I am sitting on a couch. A friend, Keith, also a friend of Derek's (not in real life), comes in and behind him is walking, with some effort, Derek. I am surprised. He comes in and talks a bit. I respond back in a friendly manner. He is still uptight about our breakup and non-connection of the last few months. Keith comes over and sits beside me on the couch. Derek walks over and puts his face between our faces. I kiss him on the cheek. He is still distant, but then he keeps talking and I keep talking and then he kisses me on the lips in a genuine sweet kiss." }, { "number": "3023", "head": "09/28/96", "content": "I have two or three female roommates. We are going to a wedding or a party. One woman is interested in another woman. I look at her face. It is a fishy monster face like those odd fish creatures on Star Trek movie, with bulbous eyes on the side of their heads. The other woman laughs in her face and says, \"No thanks, I have this man in mind.\" We are at the party, in a room. The women search out their men and they are accepted, all but me. I watch the people; I walk around. Now a group of them are forming a circle. It is the group of people with disabilities, although they look normal enough. A tall man is talking. I like him. He is across the circle from me. As the circle moves and more people join, he and I are side by side. Everyone joins hands. His hand is warm, very warm. He glances down at me and smiles because he just felt how warm my hand was too. I like it. The feeling is we will get together later. Now I have a baby in front of me, the circle is gone and I am going to dress him in the garment I knitted for him, only as I try to put it on him, I see it has three legs. And the middle leg is off the needles and is unraveling. I try to save the stitches. I hole up a dress for him to approve, but it is a boy baby. He's not interested in a dress. This isn't working out." }, { "number": "3024", "head": "09/29/96", "content": "I am attempting to write or do a major work on a screen, a TV screen. Maybe I'm writing a script. It's a big one, and important. Now two other screens are on, TV screens, and they are interfering with my work. The script is disintegrating into greeking letters, nonsense symbols. I try to save the script or program before it all disappears into nonreadable form." }, { "number": "3025", "head": "09/29/96", "content": "There is a rowboat and a rat on the rowboat. I feel concern that I want to help the person on the rowboat by getting rid of the rats. Now I see a man putting the live rat in his mouth head first and realize his way of helping is to eat the rats. Ugh." }, { "number": "3026", "head": "09/30/96", "content": "I am traveling down into the earth somehow. There are dangerous paths I must tread. Then one section would end at a white wall. I'd look for the beginning of the next segment. I look up at the ceiling and see a pull string. I pull it down and a small hatch hole appears with a pull down ladder which looks and sounds like a wooden toy with slats of wood on a string that cascade down into a different configuration. These slats then create a ladder. I walk up, pulling myself up the ladder. Now I am in a dangerous part where there are poisonous jungle snakes. I pull out a large knife. I see black shiny snakes coming out from under cups and dishes and statues on a shelf. I have to climb up on that shelf to go to the next level. A center statue is in the way and I decide I don't want that one anyway and choose another and then another. Someone says or I think, \"Do they need an Elvis statue to get on with it?\" Six snakes come out and I chop off their heads simultaneously. They are very beautiful with vibrant colors, turquoise and so on. Now I get to the next section. Each section is different. This one has people who are very aggressive and belligerent. I must out-bluster them to survive. I do so, easily. I have arrived. Now it is time to go back. I hold a sleeping bag-like thing and am zipping up the end, while it is still rolled up, making a spiral path for the zipper. Somehow this means I've discovered a faster, safer way through without taking those dangerous paths. But now a very noisy, aggressive boy whirls toward me. He wants my attention. He wants to go with me. A woman chuckles and said she found him at the site (setting) called Cathedral and his name is Daniel O'Flannery. We laugh at the irony of an obvious Irish Catholic boy being from a setting called the Cathedral. The boy has red hair and freckles and is cute and wholesome-looking. I tell him to leave me alone. His demanding, attention-getting behavior won't work with me. I then decide to go back through the paths. He follows me. I at first am concerned he'll be harmed, but then he asked for it. I warned him. So I decide this will be a lesson for him and go on, being aggressive and belligerent to the dangerous people on this path, in order to safely get through. I realize from his distant yelling he's scared and will get hurt. I call down the spiral to him, \"Just be your fierce, aggressive self on this section. It will work for you.\" He does it and catches up to me. I turn to him and say, \"This next section is the opposite. You have to be clever and quiet.\" He tries to do so. And we successfully return through all the different sections." }, { "number": "3027", "head": "10/01/96", "content": "I am involved in a family presentation of a play, perhaps one of mine. I can't find my script. The presentation time is in two hours and I search over and over, all around. Paulina asks me what I'm doing. I say, \"Looking for my scripts.\" I can't remember my lines. I feel apprehensive. No one is very helpful. I ask where we are going to perform. I need to experience the stage area so I know what I'm working with. She shows me the back yard where a line is drawn. I say, \"There?\" pointing to a small cement square. \"No,\" she says. \"That line.\" I say, \"That line? Is it the back stage boundary or the front?\" She says, \"The back boundary.\" I keep looking for the script, getting more desperate as time passes." }, { "number": "3028", "head": "10/02/96", "content": "I am in a church, attending a small town service. I think I'm there because a movie crew is in town. A number of famous movie actors, men, are there. I am sitting in the back. I really have to go pee and I get up at the end of the first section and walk. I have the directions that you go to the Splash room and find the restroom. I see a cafeteria room where people are getting refreshments. I see a line of women in a room and correctly guess that's the women's room. I get in line. I really have to pee bad. The last booth opens up, they each have flowered curtains for doors. I go in and it's a white, tall plastic kitchen trash can under a counter. I squinch under the counter and sit and begin to pee. My bladder is very full. I hesitate and then I tell myself quite realistically, \"I am awake, it's OK to pee.\" I pee and pee, trying not to slop any out of the round container. Finally I am done, but I feel uncomfortable, like I still need to pee and that maybe it wasn't OK to pee, maybe I wasn't awake. A woman is talking to me very friendly and we are chatting. I reach for a toilet tissue and she hands me one, I look to make sure it wasn't her lunch as she is standing there eating her refreshments on the top of the counter. I notice a ham slice in my hand and hand it back to her. Now I am stuffing my changes of clothes back into a white plastic sack. It's time to get back to the church service. Now an older woman approaches the woman I am talking to. She says she's been chosen as her sponsor. The woman is distressed because the older woman is tough and won't let her get away with anything. She is, I now realize, addicted to something. The older woman smiles and says knowingly, \"Yes, that's why I've been chosen.\" I leave now, kind of escaping the woman's company after discovering she is addicted. Now I return, only it's a swim pool, not a church. I peel off my clothes. Jack Lemmon and other men are in the pool already. Jack Lemmon laughs and calls out a joke for me to hear about male chauvinists. I chuckle and check to see if my bikini halter swim top is covering me OK. I have very flat breasts like Angel. I dive in and begin to swim laps hard and fast like an athlete. The church congregation begins to chant numbers, counting the strokes to go across the pool. I work hard and make good time and the crowd cheers. I am pleased about my prowess." }, { "number": "3029", "head": "10/03/96", "content": "Derek approaches me and begins to talk quite friendly and I respond back. It's like we are pretending the last few months or no communication ever happened. I feel glad that we are talking again." }, { "number": "3030", "head": "10/03/96", "content": "I have returned to school, university. I've been here for years. It is getting old. I think I will go to the first meeting of the Disability Student group. I start off in that direction, going up some stairs. I see Rochelle. We talk. She asks me where I am going and I tell her. She says, \"Oh, boring. I'm not going to that thing. It's always the same.\" I agree it is often boring, but it is a good opportunity to meet the new, young disabled people, the activists. I mention to Rochelle that I am looking for a TV set, another one, for maybe $100. We see some advertisements posted on a board and I go up to look. Some TV's are mentioned for $40. But I decide to wait, because they won't be fancy enough to do what I want them to do. I never make it to class." }, { "number": "3031", "head": "10/04/96", "content": "Dan Dailey and a woman are lovers. They sweetly and deeply love each other and so much enjoy being in each other's company. They are making love. Later, Dan comes up to the woman and smiles and says, \"Hey, like the mama kitty and the mama bird, you are the mama....\" I don't remember it exactly. But it refers to earlier scenes where a cute kitty cat was taking care of its young and the same for a mama bird. It meant she was a very loving mama kind of person and he honored that in her." }, { "number": "3032", "head": "10/04/96", "content": "I have so many books that they would fill up two huge library-sized rooms. I and a child like Charla are trying to walk down some stairs that are like piles of books. She had taken a 5 milligram dose of Cortisone and I was worried about this habit. I said, \"That's like taking speed. That's not good for you.\"" }, { "number": "3033", "head": "10/05/96", "content": "I am an enthusiastic and creative lawyer. I am a bit like Debra Winger. My client won't give me much, if any, information. He gives me non-verbal hints. At one point he acts like he had an allergy so I know that the man on the witness stand had an allergy and used this to ferret out important information. At one point, I put fake, funny, pink pig ears on my client, and a fake pig nose. I dramatically and humorously use this to make another important point. I do well. Now I am walking down a corridor and behind me comes a good-looking man who tells me he saw my work in court and admires me. We talk, enjoying each other's company. We then become boyfriend and girlfriend. I think his name is Roger, or perhaps my previous boyfriend was named Roger. Now I go to my home and he is with me. We are talking about my previous boyfriend and his flaws. Someone knocks on the door and I open it. It is an elephant, a big one, and three different gurus. One wears a golden Indian outfit. Another is in modest white Indian costume. They want me to feed the elephant. They ask me if I have a large gallon pan. I search around and find a big metal mixing bowl. They say that will be fine. Meanwhile I am having a sort of discussion/argument with my lawyer boyfriend." }, { "number": "3034", "head": "10/06/96", "content": "I think I am at school, maybe like the community college, but the buildings do not look familiar. I am inside and walking around. I see myself playing my violin and I am playing the Hungarian Dance # 5. I am doing very well, which surprises me because I had worked so hard on that piece as a child and made so many errors then. I am cautious of the places where I had trouble before, but manage to do them right this time. The audience loves me and is enthusiastic. Now I am done with that and walking to meet Bonnie. I go the wrong way and have to back track in to meet her by the elevators. On my way there, I go to a table where magazines and so on are. I pick up one that has the picture of me doing the Hungarian Dance solo on the cover. It was a special report edition. I don't look like me at all. I have short black hair framing my face. I feel a bit uncomfortable that I don't look like me, so how will people know that is me? At the same time, I am also pleased to be so prominently displayed. Now I am going down a road. I am in Russia, I think. Another woman and two men are sort of joining me. One man, very good-looking, likes me. He cooks something for me. I say something about how far I always seem to have to travel to get to the festival or whatever we are going to. I say, \"And now, we're in Russia where everything is so far away from everything. If the festival were in the next city, it'd be a far distance to travel.\" The man hands me a grilled cheese sandwich with special cheese on the outside of it too. He grumbles a bit, teasing me, that I could have had the steak sandwich he made, but no, I didn't like that. I only liked the cheese. I nibble on the sandwich. It is tasty." }, { "number": "3035", "head": "10/07/96", "content": "At first I am with strange beings, perhaps aliens, or spiritual beings or simply another planet. Things are done differently there. I must get used to the terrain. I am then called out of bed and outside to rehearse a disability skit with perhaps Bonnie. She holds my hands as she is up high on a cardboard box and I am down below calling to her. I am pulling at her and falling down. I ask her loudly why we don't have accessibility yet. \"How long has it been since 1983 when it was law and we still don't have it?\" I then pause and suggest to her we do this skit out on the parking lot where people could actually see it. She doesn't want to and I drag her out there, cardboard box and all. This is going to annoy the bosses of the place I work at, a car dealership or manufacturing place. The personnel office is looking for me now. A man questions me and wants to know if I know what cars they sell. I say, \"The 2400 (something) does really well. And in the used cars we sell lots of Pontiacs.\" Then I start to travel through the rooms, which are full of shoebox-sized cardboard boxes all piled loosely on top of each other. How I travel is to step into a box and move to the next pile of boxes, like I go through a door into a room. A phone rings and the office people ask me another question. Then they want to know if Carmen Jones is there. I say, \"Just a minute,\" and look in the next room where a light-colored black man is sitting in a manual wheelchair (like in movie I saw yesterday called Inside Moves). I ask him if he is Carmen Jones. He says, \"Yes.\"" }, { "number": "3036", "head": "10/08/96", "content": "I am lying in bed and Jock comes into the room and lies down with me. He is quiet and I realize he wants to make love to me. I feel his penis hard against my vagina. I am surprised since he is gay but I love him as a friend and I agree we can do this. I ask him if he has a rubber. He says, \"Of course.\" I later wonder if he put it on and leave it to him to have done so. I don't want AIDS, but I don't push to make sure he is wearing the rubber. His penis is a bit small and he has some difficulty getting it in. He is a bit annoyed with me and asks me to change my position, maybe put a pillow under my hips to make it easier for him. I begin to move around and he is excited and I am uptight and can't relax and enjoy it. He has an orgasm and I am left frustrated, hardly aroused. I am disappointed and feel a bit used. Now it is New Year's Eve and people are celebrating out in the streets. I see Jock very sad and morose and I realize he is thinking of suicide. He lies down in a large puddle of water and sinks down into it. I sit on the edge and watch, thinking he won't go through with it and waiting for him to sputter to the surface. I watch the air bubbles rise. Then he does float up and I am shocked to learn he did try for it and isn't breathing. I grab him and try to do CPR, but now he isn't a person but a fold up case like a crimping iron. I can't find any lungs so I keep pressing first this side and then that, unfolding him as best I can. It isn't working. I then pull him into a diesel truck. He is a human again and I try to call 911. Lots of other people are ahead of me and it is hard to reach help. We finally get through. Now I am walking back down a flight of stairs and a woman is telling me of the other women he had sexual affairs with while cheating on Melinda. Sandy is the name of one of them. I don't remember the name of the other. I feel cheapened and used and sad." }, { "number": "3037", "head": "10/13/96", "content": "Two men, one tiny and one large, are in partnership to poison us. I am a member of a rich family and the large man is like a butler to us. We have to become like detectives to figure out what they are up to. They have a spittle-like white substance they are using to poison us with. Somehow, the man in my family manages to poison them with their own poison. It takes a while to act, so when they learn they'd been poisoned, they suddenly stop chasing us and decide to go to the theatre. We don't trust them and follow to keep an eye on them. The woman of the family, Polly, comes with us. I am sort of her. We follow them outside the mansion. A large group of our employees are out there, doing yard work and cleaning things and laying down a layer of dirt for the garden or the patio. They stare at us in disbelief, because we are not dressed up fancy like we always do, but in ordinary comfortable clothes, even though we are going to the theatre. I (Polly) pause, then say, \"You people are sure snobs. This is a style called comfort.\" They then laugh and relax a bit. I say, \"I bought it at the best store in town for this sort of thing,\" and I name a local, cheap clothing store. They joke back. Now the two poisoned men don't feel well and decide to come back in the mansion. We try to follow them, still not trusting them to cause us damage. The large man has changed into a robe and is laying face down on a couch. The tiny man is locked in the bathroom feeling ill, so we assume. The large man had said something to me on the way back in about how they had managed to take Polly with them, meaning they had poisoned her on the sly. I try to find the piece of paper in a sheaf of them in my hand to prove what they said, because I didn't really catch it all and was unsure if they said that or not. I need to know because if it is true, I must tell Polly. I can't find it. Finally the large man says it's all right. We didn't poison Polly." }, { "number": "3038", "head": "10/13/96", "content": "I am in a sort of classroom, only it's sort of like my house. I am explaining to the instructor (male) that he doesn't understand, what I'm dealing with is more complex than just the English language (like parts of speeches). I am working with Natural Language Programming. As I tell him this, I am moving a broken office chair (the back rest is lopsided and partially unattached) to another room and out of the way, only where I'm putting it is sort of where my computer would be in my house." }, { "number": "3039", "head": "10/14/96", "content": "I am visiting someone, maybe Corinne at M City, only I don't recognize the house. I am looking for my pills because I've just realized that I didn't pack any and I see that my mother didn't either. I notice she did pack all my jewelry, which I never wear. How annoying. I start to dig into all my old purses, which apparently my mother packed too, because, as I explain to some woman, I often don't clean out my old purses and I am used to carrying spare pills just in case, but no luck. I find a few pills, which when I look closely, are merely vitamin like things, round and yellow. I sigh. I need to call my doctor and have him prescribe a temporary supply of pills for three days, which is how long I'm going to visit here. I can't remember how to use the phone. My mother tells me to push the save tab on a card index file. I say, \"Oh sure, I remember now. I push it and pick up a brochure and put it up to my ear like it's the receiver. I complain I can't hear very well. There are too many people talking in the room. So my father pushes me back, like I'm in a chair and he is shoving the chair with me in it until I am back in a roomy clothes closet. I can't remember the doctor's name. I remember Dr. A. and say, \"But they switched me to some other doctor, a Doctor ... Mendelsohn. I am ambivalent about which doctor to call. I finally decide on the new one since the paperwork would go more smoothly, although it would be nice to talk to Dr. An. because he knows my case. I notice I am naked and have an excessive amount of long dark brown armpit hair and pubic hair. I am a bit surprised. I've never had so much hair there before. I used to shave. I must have let it grow for a long time. I am younger, maybe in my 30's. My body is pudgy but firm and soft, a nice pretty body." }, { "number": "3040", "head": "10/15/96", "content": "I meet up with Dylan. We are talking but there is some tension between us. Perhaps I feel competition or we are arguing. As we are talking, we are in some big institutional building of some sort, a woman comes over and turns her face away from Dylan and practically whispers, \"I'm pregnant.\" I hear her, but Dylan doesn't and he continues talking. I interrupt him and say, \"Did you hear her?\" I make her repeat it. Dylan looks at me like, \"Can you take over with this client?\" He wants my help. I reluctantly agree. I say, \"Can we use your office?\" He says yes. I start to enter a room but he says, \"No, my office is moved now.\" We go around the corner to another room. I open the door and see it is a long l-shaped room with lots of wooden chairs and desks. Some women from another department are also working in there. I look over the situation and ask the client if it is OK with her that we work in here, because having other people around could be a confidentiality problem. She reluctantly agrees. I see another room, used as a classroom, and now the women have used it as a coat room. I pull her in there. I say we may be occasionally interrupted. So we sit and she starts doing all kinds of avoidance behaviors, walking around, chatting about other things, etc. I firmly say to her, \"You have three (I was contemplating five but decided that was too long) minutes to quiet down and work or I will leave.\" She ignores me and continues but at precisely three minutes has managed to sit quietly. I start to work with her about being pregnant and she starts up again. This time I give her two minutes. She doesn't stop and I go get my coat and scarf and start to leave. Then I suddenly turn and get right up in her face and fix her with a knowing stare. Her eyes become big and scared. \"Uh-huh,\" I say. \"You just confirmed it. You are a lesbian and that is the issue you really want to work with.\" I feel quite proud, even a bit arrogant about this amazing bit of intuition. I start to leave and she tries to follow. I say to her, a bit harshly, \"I want to make it clear. We are not counselor and client anymore. We are not, I repeated, relationship and client...I mean, counselor and client.\" I am saying this to her so she clearly understands I am not working with her professionally so she won't be confused if we talk about things informally." }, { "number": "3041", "head": "10/18/96", "content": "I am changing my clothes because Darryl and his bride came to our family dinner and I want to look nice. I go into a room and find some girl clothes, maybe Charla's hanging in the closet. I can't seem to find my own clothes. I see a large suitcase on a bed with a pile of rumpled clothes in it and dig around. I find a pair of jeans that may be big enough for my Buddha belly. I start to put them on when a small wooden sliding door opens and Doug is peeking in to see if he can see me naked. I tell him to get away. I am mad at him. I look again at the jeans and see they are way too big. They are Kyle's jeans. That won't do. I am feeling desperate. I want to look nice and I don't seem to have anything nice to wear. I do find a pretty rusty brown top and skirt and I have a petticoat on. I am telling some woman there that maybe the petticoat will show under the skirt because it is too long. She says, \"It's fine,\" but I take it off. I actually do look fairly nice. I return to the dinner where a jumble of food is all over the table. I shyly talk with Darryl and his bride. I am thinking that it has been so many years but it is fitting we are together again. There is also some bad feeling that it is going to be wrong for us to get married. We would not be good for each other after all." }, { "number": "3042", "head": "10/18/96", "content": "Eric gives me some papers to finish up for him. I am required to paint some pasty kind of stuff over the text or pictures and then rub it onto another paper with a roller. I see some baby raccoons, a cute big raccoon and some text that is too big for the size paper I should rub it onto. I struggle. Sometimes the substance I am using is thick, gooey and black, but sometimes it's a rusty color. I am worried I am not doing it right and may ruin it for Nate. I peel some of them off to see if it is working. I can't tell. Some are all right, some have black goop all over both sides, like carbon paper." }, { "number": "3043", "head": "10/19/96", "content": "I am visiting the B's. Ernie is talking with some man and I am lying on a couch listening. I ask where Ginny is. He says in the bedroom. She'll be out in a minute. I am petting a large white and spotted cat with a Mohawk fur cut. I chuckle at the cat. I remember that Fluffy is gray and wonder where she is. Now the boys, Ricardo, Rigo and some of their friends pull me out onto a play area like a skating rink in a park. I am on a skateboard with all my things in my lap. I have knitting and clothes for warmth. It is winter. They are laughing and pulling me around and around. It is fun. I say, \"Wait a minute, let me check my knitting.\" I see it has fallen under me and pull it out. One needle has all the stitches on it. The second needle is pulled out of the blue yarn. I try to put the stitches back on the needle as the boys continue to drag me around. Now Ernie is laughing and sitting squatted down like on a cold day, rubbing his hands. Ginny then walks up to me in a huge clown suit like a cat with a Mohawk. I say, \"Are you on stilts?\" and look and I see she is standing on my wooden crutches like they are stilts. We are all having fun." }, { "number": "3044", "head": "10/20/96", "content": "I am in a hospital. I have a female roommate, sort of like Michelle Pfeiffer. I am being released and so is she, but then she comes back to tell me she has to have a surgery and can't leave yet. Her surgery will happen on the 21st. I say, \"Too bad,\" and she leaves for another room. I wish, after she is gone, I had asked for her name and address so I could write her. Not that I wanted to, but that is what people do and I should have. I am packing up the files I had been working on while in the hospital, the Hollywood information on movies I'd been watching. Then Grandma Agnes comes in, much slimmer than she usually was, and asked me why I wasn't at the family gathering at her house yesterday. I say, embarrassed and caught, \"I was busy doing stuff.\" So she, two aunts and my father come in to visit. They sit in a circle on chairs and I am lying down on a couch. We all go to sleep during our conversation. I wake up and so do they, and I feel embarrassed like I should have been more attentive. But I also think it is amusing that we all fell asleep together. Some visit!" }, { "number": "3045", "head": "10/20/96", "content": "I am getting into a group of women who are going into a bleachers area to sing group songs. I don't know what holiday it is, but this is a usual holiday thing to do. I and Andrea are trying to catch up with our group, but get lost and end up with a group of swimmers and divers. There is a swimming pool to the right, and in front of our bleachers is a pool used as the stage area. I watch a scene where a man and a woman get in a small rectangular rowboat and sing as we all sing the chorus. A wave or two comes up and splashes the woman and she mimes jumping up real quick so it doesn't get her all wet on her bottom. I and Aunt Bridget are sitting on the right side of the bleachers. It is very crowded. We sing along with the group but don't know the songs. I notice my voice is clear and pretty and I seem to be able to keep up with the words by listening carefully. I look over to the bleachers on my left and up and see a small group of people in green sort of fish costumes with green makeup on their faces. They are pretty and all the same. Now muffins and cookies and cakes are being served to the crowd and I can see they are moist and sweet and would taste really good, better than if we'd stayed with our own group. I look to my right and notice the water is all gone from the swim pool. There had been some girls taking lessons there. [BL]" }, { "number": "3046", "head": "10/20/96", "content": "I am in a house I've never seen before, a big one. I'm in the kitchen. I'm hungry and looking around for something to eat. Pickings are slim. I hear Howard outside in the front yard telling the neighborhood children not to play in our yard. I hear his boring, dead voice droning on about civic responsibility. I idly wonder if I could sleep with him now and have sex. I feel forgiving and try to imagine if I could do it without feeling horrible. It is a possibility. He comes in and I am at the sink rinsing a bunch of spaghetti and pretzels in the sink. He suggests I could go out and talk to the kids sometime. I say, \"I agree I need something to do, but giving civic lessons to the kids isn't going to be it.\" Then I ask if he is hungry. He says yes, a little bit. I then hesitate and then ask if I can fix him some toast, or even fry a couple of eggs. I am relieved when he says no. I see a plastic container full of cooked spinach and ask him if that is his. He says yes. I see that he is on his belly on the floor, digging around in a cupboard for something. I ask him what he's trying to get. He says salt. I see him pick it up awkwardly with his teeth. I take it from his mouth and use it to salt his spinach and then my spaghetti. I notice he had put an unshucked ear of corn on my plate. I touch it. It is cool, and uncooked too. I decide not to salt it yet, but cook it first." }, { "number": "3047", "head": "10/20/96", "content": "I am on a beach and I see the actor John Ritter and we talk. He says, \"Remember me?\" I say yes. Then we are lying down and he puts his arm over me and kisses me. Then he gently says, \"I know this upsets you, so it's OK if we don't make love.\" I say, touched, \"If I were going to do it with anyone, it would be you.\" He is touched. Then I say, \"And I want it to be you.\" We kiss again and then we get up to go to his hotel room. But first he notices that the ocean has come up over a high sand dune hill and we get concerned because it could all come roaring down on us and it would be dangerous, so we begin to run back toward the hotel. We have to cross the \"nuclear fields\" first (a patch of unmowed pasture). As we are approaching an embankment we'll have to go up and over, it begins to rain hard. We laugh at the irony that we are fated to get wet somehow (baptism?). Water pours out through the apple trees we are under. We are concerned it will be hard to get through all the blackberry vines on the embankment, but then we see a few wooden steps and easily get up to the road. We enter the hotel. He is the manager and works there, so he comes in later than me and waits down the hall. I have two empty champagne glasses in one hand and am wet from the rain and wear a sleeveless T-shirt and look sexy and cute. I come past the desk and come to him and he smiles. I say, \"Was I obvious?\" He says, \"Yes,\" laughing gently. Now we walk to his room and I suddenly remember or he reminds me that I left Charla in a room alone sleeping. I feel guilt and hope she is all right. We get in his room and for some reason he's upset and says he can't do it now. I understand but am disappointed. He sleeps on a couch with the couch pillows stacked up, but it's real uncomfortable. I am asleep on the bed. Then in his sleep, he gets up and stumbles over to the bed and before you know it, we roll over into each other's arms and make love (no sexual feelings, but contentment and comfort)." }, { "number": "3048", "head": "10/21/96", "content": "I and my handicapped boyfriend are being ostracized because of our relationship. He is younger than me and handicapped, so I have been kicked out of school, all my money taken from me and no place to live. I do not give up my boyfriend though. I only have one privilege left. I can attend one class at school. I can't participate, but I can attend. I go there. No one speaks to me. I feel shame because I used to be quite popular and influential. I feel pride also in not backing down. I sit up in the highest row. The seats are like wooden, old theatre seats. The class is beginning. Down in the center is a group of students who are portraying judge and jury and lawyers. A young man is first to present his question or debate issue. He asks how come there aren't any pretty women for him to ask out in his small town and is this fair? I wonder to myself how fair is it that he isn't all that good-looking. How arrogant. Now a woman, like Mirabelle, reminds the group they haven't done the Bible thing and people pull out their Bibles. They begin to recite the Lord's Prayer. I start to do it from memory to be a part of the group, even though I think this is silly. A tiny disabled woman in a wheelchair behind me (maybe has osteoporosis) sarcastically uses silly words to the Lord's Prayer to show her defiance to this issue. I want to join her and would like for her to approve of me, and I want to join the group and have them approve of me. It's a dilemma. Now a young man walks up to a young woman next to me and wants to sit with her. He likes her. Then they change their seats and go down to a front row. I watch them as he tries to shyly move closer to her and she realizes he wants to hug and she moves closer to him and so on. Now one of the center group people calls on a woman on my right. She is a nun with short dark brown hair. In a pageboy kind of cut. She says she's not sure she can share her case because it isn't... and she can't remember the word. I supply it for her, \"copyrighted.\" I am ignored." }, { "number": "3049", "head": "10/21/96", "content": "I am going to the Doctor's office. I see Dr. A having a cup of coffee. He is seated in a wooden school desk, the type with a wooden arm on one side. He sees me and asks me to have a cup of coffee with him. He is gentle and pleasant, seeming to want my company. We chat for awhile. He pats me on the arm and says sweetly, \"I love you.\" He doesn't mean man/woman, but friendship. I say, \"I love you too.\" He goes on. Then I remember I need a refill on my cortisone. I go in. A woman doctor says she can fill the prescription. It is a shot. I really live in some other town but decide to go ahead and get this month's shot now and save time. She is friendly with her women patients; she is sort of New Age. She now has a cream that looks like shaving cream and raises my blouse to expose my upper belly just below my breasts. This is the correct spot for the application of the cream. I am concerned that she might put too much on, how does it time itself for a whole month, and so on. She asks me how much I take and I say, \"Four milligrams a day.\" I sort of feel this isn't right, but I can't remember any other number that is correct. She rubs the cream into my skin and that's that. There is no pain, and it's done. Then she offers a raffle ticket to me and two other women to go to a party and enjoy ourselves. After we are done, we can get reimbursed for the cost of the ticket by my brother Dwight." }, { "number": "3050", "head": "10/21/96", "content": "We had a wonderful time at the party and it is 2 or 3 in the morning. It is time to go. The other two women insist I call Dwight right now and get our raffle ticket reimbursement. I say, \"It's too late.\" They insist, so I try to find his number. I say, \"He hasn't got a number of his own,\" and then I remember he's married now and not living with my parents. I find the number. I don't feel good about this. I wake him up and tell him what we want. He says gently but firmly, \"No, that's not fair. It was her raffle ticket. Why should I have to pay out of my own pocket?\" I can see the reasoning on this and feel bad and caught between Dwight and the two women. I explain to them." }, { "number": "3051", "head": "10/22/96", "content": "I am feeling very ill. My daughter Ellie had been very ill with the flu. I guess it was my turn now. I am semi-lying in an overstuffed chair. I look down and see both my legs are in one leg hole of a huge man's briefs. I am embarrassed. I notice my fat belly. I am naked, but the flu and the fever is so bad I can barely move. Ellie comes over to me and leans close. I feel her take something in her mouth and put it in me somehow. It is a hard lump of something I can feel and move around in my belly. It is very uncomfortable. I get up with difficulty and try to walk. I had seen a woman that looks like a witch woman and I need to go to her. Now I am on a toy train and it has rubber tires and as I drive it around the narrow wooden structure, the wooden gates are too low and I have to think my way through. I finally arrive where the witch woman is. Lots of people are sick. I find her lying on her face in a kind of trance as she works with someone else. I tell her my daughter put this horrible thing in me and I am sick. She works with me and gets it out for me. I get back on the train for a ride." }, { "number": "3052", "head": "10/23/96", "content": "I am in a some kind of McDonald place where it caters to kids. I am ordering some hamburgers and so on. There are toys there to buy as well. A girl is looking at a set of baby clothes all in the same soft orange color. I leaf through them as they are presented in a book like form. Now I see my parents. I notice that my mother is quite tall, nearly as tall as my father is, but they still look good together. I notice how regal she stands and looks. Then I notice she has a bald swath through her pretty hair. She is delightedly sniffing the bags of hamburgers and exclaiming how wonderful they smell. Somewhere, either earlier in this dream or perhaps another dream, is a short pudgy man with really bad hair, sort of fuzzy and tough and grows in spots. He shows me the back row of his hair how unkempt it grows and sighs because he likes me and feels his hair will turn me away from him. Now I or my father sees some notice or advertisement about a piece of real estate where people can go to fulfill their dreams, or act them out. I see a white plastic molded bench which sits three people, the middle one a bit more high and centered than the other two. Then I see three people sitting on the bench in ballet costumes. These people want to dance ballet. Then I see a fat older man who is a playwright. He is writing a play these people can dance. But he is stuck and can't figure out what to write. He is lying in a recliner chair which is laid back on its back on the floor and he is seated in the chair, also lying on the floor. He is devastated because he is so stuck and can't come up with anything creative. Maybe he never had talent in the first place. He then goes to a body of water and purchases used pills to kill himself with. I wonder what \"used\" pills means and reassure myself it means not used and then too old and weak, not that people swallowed them already once. He takes a bunch of the pills but doesn't die because they had lost all their potency. But he plods on, determined to figure out how to write this play. Then an idea comes to him; he could use dreams. They could do dance movements like dream scenes come to him -- energy, surprise, beauty. So he writes it and I hear the male lead dancing it. The dance area is ringed with old apartments where two or three stubborn old men have refused to move out and they insist on living there so close to the dance area that their normal living movements are distracting to the audience of the dance. So I hear the one old man asking the lead dancer as he is doing his wonderful leaps and so on, does he know a word he needs for this crossword. The dancer keeps hissing at him through his clenched teeth, \"I am dancing here!\" But the old man ignores that and keeps asking his question." }, { "number": "3053", "head": "10/24/96", "content": "I am an odd-looking computer machine, quite bulky, old-fashioned and metal. I am told to check out www.20.com. So I don't know how to do this, but push a lot of buttons, one that says \"w.\" on it. All of a sudden, I notice that many different printers are starting to print. An old-fashioned calculator, adding machine is printing out numbers on a paper roll. Then money in the form of bills come out of a metal slide and start dumping out. I run around to the front to retrieve them before they get wet in the water or blow away in the wind." }, { "number": "3054", "head": "10/25/96", "content": "Boomer, the cat, and I are walking to M City over the mountains. We are walking up a forested meadow hill when I see herds of sheep and deer and other animals running from the mountain down the hill past us. I am worried they will trample us, but we stand and the go around us. Some people too. I think there must be a forest fire. I look for smoke. I see a small puff but not enough to indicate danger. I hesitate making the decision should I go on or not. I decide to go on and continue as we crest the hill, I am startled and scared when I see a huge forest fire coming right at us. We turn and run as fast as we can back down the hill to find the creeks and rivers we had seen to jump into. We find one in the nick of time and dive in. I hold Boomer and we hold our breath until we must have oxygen and then gulp up some air and back under. It is touch and go. But finally the fire passes us, leaving charred remains and smoke, a close call. Now we decide we have to get to M City some other way. I see a dirt road and choose another one. I am driving a Volkswagen bus, an old one. I have two young adult mentally retarded people with me, a woman and a man. I ask the woman to drive the VW bus a ways and park it. I walk over and see with fear that she parked it so close to the edge of a cliff. One wrong move and we'd go over the edge. I realize what she did was try to park as best she could like to a curb. One wants to be as close as you can to the curb, right? I get in and very carefully pull away from the edge. Now I drive us down the steep hill and on. I say I wonder if this is the road to M City. It doesn't seem right. I see a small town, really just a cluster of buildings ahead. We'll ask directions. I get out and see a small store, but it is a ghost town and no one around. Then a car drives up. I am glad and walk over and ask the woman getting out of the passenger side if she can tell me how to get to M City. She is holding a rifle, I suddenly notice, and there are blood spots on her hands. She looks at me startled and mean. I get scared. I ask her again and she says, \"I'll tell you but first you have to come up to the house.\" Well, there's no way I'm going to do that. She'll kill me, thinking I'm a witness to something. I agree, though and get in the VW bus and drive away. Only the man that was with her is in my way on a bicycle in the road. I follow him for a short distance. I see some highway signs and try to read them One says F. Ridge. Hwy. 50. There is a corner building and the man stops there and so do I. I walk up to a man and shake his hand. He introduces himself as Doug, the insurance man. I ask him where those roads lead to. He says to the coast. Now I realize I am going back to E City and after all this trouble, if I want to go to M City, I must start all over again. I am frustrated." }, { "number": "3055", "head": "10/25/96", "content": "I am watching in a sex therapist Doctor's office. A woman comes in and is naked and semi-lies on the examining table. The Doctor without a word gets on her and makes love to her. It is hot and heavy. Then she leaves. Later she returns, a few minutes later, and they repeat the procedure. Each time she takes the position of pulling her legs up near her head. It is quite mechanical and I am amazed at the Doctor's performances on command. Now another woman comes in naked with big breasts. He lays her on the couch and plays with her breasts and it is all very exciting. I feel great sexual excitement, but no orgasm." }, { "number": "3056", "head": "10/25/96", "content": "I am in a kitchen and notice the piled up dishes and mess. I feel bad. I haven't cleaned up for years. Howard probably is tired of that. I try to do some dishes and find a pretty cobalt blue pitcher where the handle and the spout are on the edge seams of the square corners. It's really cute. It has the words \"Howard's Place\" printed on it in white ink. Now I can't get the kitchen faucets to close down no matter how I turn them. I finally ask Howard how to do it. He is in the bathroom showering and I knock on the door. He calls out how. I do it. Then I go into another kitchen; more mess. I sigh. I must have not done a thing for a long time. I feel sorry for poor Howard, living in these conditions. I feel energy to clean and start in. [BL]" }, { "number": "3057", "head": "10/27/96", "content": "I am lying in a big double bed with maroon colored sheets and I am tired and want to sleep way into the morning. Some other person, male, is in the bed too, at the other side and they want to get up. I resist getting up. Then I am having throat spasms and the hospital crew don't know how to help me and I can't talk to them to tell them to give me cortisone. I am angry at them. They think they know what to do and are screwing up." }, { "number": "3058", "head": "10/27/96", "content": "I am upset with myself because for years I'd been taking a few classes here and there and often not finishing them or doing the work. I have a long string of incompletes on my transcript. I am wishing now that I had chosen a 2-year master's program and just focused on that and done it. I'd have something by now if I'd done that. Some how this has to do with moving to a new city to turn over a new leaf, many years ago. The feeling is that in some other dream I had moved to a city to start school. Now in this dream I'm at the other end. So I try to do some homework and now I go to the school office to pay my tuition and fill out papers. The secretary is busy and I watch a mentally retarded girl lean over the counter, laying on it in my way, so I walk to the right and catch a secretary's attention. She asks for $56. I hand her a sealed envelope with my tuition in it. I thought it was to be $53. She opens it and pulls out a piece of paper where I had drawn pictures. I look at it and am surprised to see many different pictures of my cat in different poses and postures. I thought I'd only done one. I point out the empty spot where the mentally retarded girl had blocked my way. The secretary says, \"That's a cold spot.\" I say yes, because that's the feeling I got from it. [BL]" }, { "number": "3059", "head": "10/28/96", "content": "I am in a M City school building. I am looking for the bathroom. I find it and go in. I see there are no handicapped stalls. I either stand up and pee into a basket, or I walk into the toilet area and use a stall. I choose to walk in. It doesn't hurt, and I am surprised. I walk from one stall to another looking for the right one. Some are filled already with people, some aren't flushed and some are too low to the ground. I find one I think will work and go in. I pee, and as I get up, I see blood, even under the toilet, like it had poured out or leaked out. I am a bit concerned, but not too much. I notice I feel a cramp in my belly, like when I'm having periods. I decide I must have started having periods again, after so many years. A man comes up and a nurse and they want to check me over. They walk me to the blood lab area to do some tests. Either it's a period or I am sick sand hemorrhaging." }, { "number": "3060", "head": "10/28/96", "content": "I am at some big college-like school. Some of the women students have stolen a recently dead man's corpse and are playing with it, doing some silly witch-like rituals over it for fun. I and a woman friend are shocked to see this (in the gym). After they are done, the audience is leaving and so are we. I say to my friend, \"Come on, let's follow and see if we can retrieve the corpse and take it back where it belongs.\" My friend is in agreement and is surprised I cared enough to do this. We figured the element of surprise will be with us, because we are so quick to go to where I am sure they are going to leave it, namely in the sorority lunch room activity center area. I search and search, in drawers, opening doors, etc. and finally find a box which it might be in. I pick it up and sneak off to find the male professor that it goes to. I go down the halls hoping to remember his name. I find a college of his and ask to talk to him. I begin to wonder just who I can trust here. [BL]" }, { "number": "3061", "head": "10/28/96", "content": "The first moment I laid eyes on this white, large, two-story house, I loved it. The woman who owns it says she'll sell it to me and I can move in right now and we'll do the papers later. I and my daughters start to move in. Each can have their own bedroom, the outside lawn is spacious and pretty, the rooms large and comfortable. I begin to be concerned because I haven't even asked how much for the house and if I will qualify for a bank loan for that amount. I am tired of living in my cramped little house, but it was the best I could afford. This will be much more. I see the short, almost midget-sized woman who owns it and go to her. I say, \"I want to talk about the details before I get all moved in and then have to leave.\" She is busy driving a tractor towing a cart and I follow her, talking all the while. She smiles and wants to know what that other woman said about her. I say, \"Nothing much.\" I didn't really listen. She says, \"Good. Don't worry. We'll make a deal.\" She wants me to have the house. [BL]" }, { "number": "3062", "head": "11/01/96", "content": "I am on the sidewalk in a crowd. A parade of some kind is about to happen. As I start to work my way through the crowd to get to the curb edge to see better, an Eastern Indian man in a white diaper-like thing dashes past me and shoves his way past me. I notice with some negative shuttering that he only has one leg. He bounces on a table and then takes off. Later, some people are accusing me of something and need to know where I was. I describe in detail where I stood, the man and what he looked like. My witness is Lucy, a blind woman, who had smelled him and that was good enough. They believed us." }, { "number": "3063", "head": "11/01/96", "content": "I am looking at Lucy who is talking. It is the middle of the night. I was awakened. I am talking with her, telling her something about what I feel and so on. I feel a strong wave of affectionate love for her and stop the conversation to tell her that. We hug. It is sweet. I lean against her back." }, { "number": "3064", "head": "11/03/96", "content": "I am at some work-related meeting and have discovered that some organization needs to be done. It had been done in the past and now it hasn't been done for a while. I decide to go ahead and do it right then and there and work up some name and address sheets and a newsletter and so on so things can get going again. It was pretty easy to do. Now I go home (not familiar). Bonnie is there and Angel is outside. I am organizing piles of things: candies, utensils, toothpicks, that were in purses. I go out to see how Angel is doing and see an island where a friend lives. There is wilderness all around the island, except for the part facing my house. I start to try and figure out how to get over there. I am stopped by a group of men who are now sitting around a circle, squatted, only they are suited gangster types. I whisper to Bonnie, \"I'll bet they are gangsters.\" She says she'll bet a Real Lean Dollar and 5 cents that they aren't. One comes up to me and asks if I am one of the Simply Four, a gangster group. I laugh and say no, but somehow this proves they are of that group. I say I am B. They have heard of me. I am now on the island and notice it is very tiny, a sand spit really, with the tamest creek going around it and a stone walk to the almost park-like \"wilderness \" in the back. I am a bit disappointed." }, { "number": "3065", "head": "11/06/96", "content": "I am sleeping on an uncomfortable hide-a-bed in a room where the floor is dirt and a rectangular shallow hole with straw in it is the area for the bed/couch. I wake up and see Howard standing near the bed on the right. He is very sad and I realize he has had enough and will ask for a divorce from me. I feel sad and a bit bad about my treatment of him. I look down on the floor and see about 6 inches of water there, and floating in it is my hand-held tape recorder and a couple of other small electronic items. I am very upset as I pick it up and see it is warped and broken. I blame Ellie or her children. I get out of bed and feel terrible. The place is a mess. The babies are fussy. Now I and a woman friend decide to drive to town. As we are driving through a building, a man screams for help. The floor of a business has given out under him. The older pudgy owner of the business rushes over to pull him out. Now our way out of the building is blocked. I am concerned. What shall we do? The woman points to a bank with an elevator. We are, I see, on the 20th floor. I go back to the owner and call him out. He is quite agitated and confused and I apologize for disturbing him, but does he know another way out? He describes the building next door and this or that office and to turn there. I ask my friend if she knows that way. Then I am concerned how if I leave the van, will I be able to get home? It's too far to walk. Somehow I get home and another woman roommate is around. There is some information about a model who types, or a type model, and I am curious and would like to go find her and meet her. My roommate is also interested." }, { "number": "3066", "head": "11/07/96", "content": "An entire family is traveling on a train. The parents are in one car, some of the children in other cars. I see their sleeping faces as though I'm outside the train looking at them through the windows. It is a tragedy. This entire family of nice people are going to die. I witness the wreck and then they are all dead. I feel sad." }, { "number": "3067", "head": "11/07/96", "content": "I am flapping my arms to get up into the air. It's sort of a swimming motion and a flying motion. I get airborne, the sky is very clear and blue. I see nothing but sky until I see a short small missile with a green metal tip coming at me. I duck and then the next and next. I am exhausted because they are coming fast and deadly. I must keep this up or I will die." }, { "number": "3068", "head": "11/05/96", "content": "I am giving a lecture at a conference which was very successful. Now I am walking across campus to go to another meeting room. I am accompanied by male colleagues and dignitaries. I turn to my right and see a male angel in a green surgical gown and a surgical net hat on who is carrying a bouquet of flowers to bring to me. He is in harness like fliers on stage. I receive the flowers and say, \"Thanks.\" We arrive at the meeting room. I step through the door and stop suddenly. There is a small platform and then a huge room, ill kept, paint peeling, not swept, hardly any chairs. I see some children already seated on the floor and warmly greet them. More are coming in." }, { "number": "3069", "head": "11/08/96", "content": "I am in a large gym. A band is playing. I see Hojo on the drums. I admire the large biceps of his arms. I didn't know he played drums. Maybe I'll rethink how I feel about him. I've always wanted to be in relationship with a drummer. Now a play is going on and Hojo is in that too. I am way off in a corner of the gym, even away from the audience area, all alone. I am trying to be quiet and inconspicuous, but the players come over to my corner and a woman in a bride's dress is acting and I join in to help her. Now I'm off to the side and the play is over. Hojo comes over and I stand and then sit as we talk. Some man is talking about playwriting and I can't help myself. I chime in and say, \"Well, I write plays and I find that when you write for someone else it isn't your best work. It doesn't come from the heart and soul.\" Then Hojo says, \"I didn't know I was taller than you. Stand up again.\" I don't, because it would hurt." }, { "number": "3070", "head": "11/10/96", "content": "I am shown a sweet little kitty white with black spots, like a Dalmatian. He is called a Grandma Cat. I hold him and pet him. Then a man throws the kitties out of the compound into the dangerous outlying area. I am furious with him and stand up tall and look up at him and tell him off. How can a person who treats innocent kitties this way can be trusted as a leader of the people? I go out to the dangerous area and dig in the dirt and find a kitty like Boomer. I am so happy to find him. I must bring them back into the safety of the compound." }, { "number": "3071", "head": "11/11/96", "content": "I am helping Bill Clinton show a group of people some souvenirs he had: a pair of red slippers from Japan in a plastic wrap. I take the package from Mr. Clinton and walk over to the group and hand it to someone. This goes on for awhile. Now it's over and I am going to go teach a class at elementary school. I walk through one classroom where they have no furniture; they sit on the floor. I see a man and say to a friend that I am interested in having a relationship with him. I go on. She tells him what I said. He thinks it over and then follows me into my classroom. He, I realize now, is slightly retarded or slow. I wonder about my choice. I am resetting the heater. I put in a new part and start it up. He says to me, \"Did you hygenate it first?\" It needs hygenation. Or it will blow up.\" I realize I hadn't even considered looking at the directions and missed this important step." }, { "number": "3072", "head": "11/12/96", "content": "I can't believe I am letting Ellie, my daughter, be my Doctor. I don't have a great deal of confidence in her. I tell her of my pains and then remember to tell her of the dizzy spells I've been having lately." }, { "number": "3073", "head": "11/12/96", "content": "I am in some kind of hospital or nursing home. A woman dies during the night. Some of us feel sorry for her because she died alone, no friends or family. So we bury her (in her urn) with a jar of M & M's for company. The next morning some people found out and are very upset with us, thinking we were just playing a crude prank. I am explaining to a young man why we did it. I begin to cry and he holds me in his arms soothingly. I say, \"This will be hard for you to understand because you are young, in your early to mid-twenties, but I am 53 and much closer to the end of the conveyor belt of life than you are and death scares me. You hardly even think of it.\" He is supportive and sympathetic." }, { "number": "3074", "head": "11/12/96", "content": "I am exhausted. The little girl, like Charla, is finally asleep. I am sitting in a wooden chair next to her. Ellie is holding her hand, trying to help her get to sleep. I nod to Ellie sleepily. She asks me something, and I nod, but I didn't really hear what she said. She leaves. I look up and see a glass cage with a monkey that looks like a cat in it, under water, breathing quite happily and content in the water. A water bottle for animals is in there and it sucks on the straw for the liquid food. I think it's cute and am amazed it can breathe under water. However, we have to be vigilant because when it is night time and it is sleepy, we have to move it to the regular metal cage so it can breathe air, or it will drown during its sleep. That is sort of Ellie's job. Now I am asleep and Ellie is trying to wake me up. She shakes me and I struggle to wake up. I mumble something and she says in a most appreciative voice, \"Thanks, Mom, for letting me have sex,\" meaning she had asked my permission to go off with this guy and have sex, only I felt a bit strange, because I hadn't actually heard the request. \"Oh, well,\" I think, \"what's the harm?\" I nod and go back to sleep. She moves another wooden chair over to put my feet on so I can sleep more comfortably." }, { "number": "3075", "head": "11/17/96", "content": "A man and I are traveling together. I have a gig to do at a bar in this motel, restaurant place. We get a free room as part of the pay. We go in to see the room. It is a rundown place, ugly green colors with paint peeling and so on. I open a door and it leads into the bar area where I will be working. The tables are red troughs where plates of spaghetti are sitting, left over from other people. We walk around in a circle which takes us to the front cafe area and then back into the more fancy restaurant area and then back into the motel part. I open another door to find the bedroom. It is more the size of a closet, a single bed and nothing much else in it. The walls are so thin that we hear another man in the bathroom. It is noisy. The man and I laugh. We go into another room, the kitchen. There are many cabinets. I am surprised. I wonder what's in them. I see a whole row of stoves. I turn one on. It's a gas stove and two burners flame on. I try to turn it off and can't get it to completely turn off. The flames go out, but I can hear the hissing of gas. I try harder. The man helps. The knob breaks off. I say, \"Oh well, I don't smell gas. It must be all right. Now we look in the cabinets. There are many packets of food things, small cereal boxes and so on. I see a huge honey bear bottle of maple syrup. Well, that's the first thing that seems nice about this place. Then a tiny man (sort of the size of a leprechaun) comes in and tells us, on the sly, that we'd have to pay a quarter for any of this food if we eat it. What a rip. I get down on bended knee and say to the tiny man, \"Thank you. You are a kind and sweet person to warn us, even though you could get in trouble because you work here.\" Even though all the aspects of this trip are lousy, the man and I like each other and find amusement in all the adversity. After all, it's a free room." }, { "number": "3076", "head": "11/17/96", "content": "Turtles come up on shore, by the motel I am staying at. I don't like the people that are staying here. They are secretive and are behind closed doors. I try to meet them and they slide away. I am walking around looking for someone to connect with and talk to. I see the turtles laying their eggs, that are really little transparent, snail-like things. A bunch of large beetle-like bugs come out and go to the babies and begin to latch onto them. At first I think this is a ritual where a symbiotic thing happens to help the babies. But then I realize the babies are being eaten. I feel sick. I try to walk and everywhere there are slimy, nasty bugs and things and I must step very carefully. I try to put shoes on to protect my feet so I won't feel them. I feel sad for the babies." }, { "number": "3077", "head": "11/16/96", "content": "Leighanne and I are talking about writing projects. She is working on one and I am popping up with ideas which she uses in her project. I look at her formula way of doing the work. She creates a large board and puts (in this case) pictures she drew of walls because she's writing a book about horse things you can put on walls. As we talk, I say to Leighanne, \"We are essentially equals.\" But I feel hesitant like maybe she's better than me. She kind of smiles." }, { "number": "3078", "head": "11/18/96", "content": "I am an English 101 teacher. I walk into my first class of the day, a noon class. I am walking and fairly good-looking in a knit dress. It is a medium-sized class. I start talking about how this won't be a boring grammar class. We'll do the interesting and beautiful part, literature. One young woman asks me if it's the same hours to take a science class. I explain how it takes more hours for science because it's a lab class. Now the class is over and I need to find a bathroom and go pee before my 1:00 class, only it is 1:00 already. I hurriedly walk down the block, passing up the school building because it may take more time to find the bathroom. I see a man from my class and he says he's going to find a bathroom and goes into an agency. I follow him in and ask for the ladies room. The clerk (male) is a bit upset. This isn't a public bathroom, but I point out my need and he agrees. I open the door to find a meeting going on. I change my mind and walk back down the hall. I see another of my students in a room. This agency works with brain damaged people. I decide I'm too late for my class and must just hold it in and hope for the best. I go to my class to find it overflowing with students. A male teacher had been monitoring them for me. I apologize to them and to him explaining I had to pee and couldn't find an accessible bathroom. They are so hard to find. He leaves and I begin my intro. I say, \"I am Barb Sanders.\" I hear different students talking all at once. I pause and wait. I hear several of them shushing each other. Some are asking me what kind of a name is B. I thank them for the attempt to self-monitor. I explain how I came to be called B." }, { "number": "3079", "head": "11/18/96", "content": "I am on a beach and the children are going to swim in the water. I see big slabs of rock out in the water. I decide to go swimming with them. I go in, fully clothed, including my jacket. I wade around and see a bald baby, its bonnet down on its neck. I play with him, floating him around in the water. I had told the children I wasn't going out deep, because I didn't want to get my jacket wet, but when playing with the baby, I lie down in the water and get soaked. The water is cold." }, { "number": "3080", "head": "11/18/96", "content": "I'm in some kind of a class and two woman sit on either side of me. One woman says rather haughtily, \"We never spend time together except in class.\" It's kind of a dare. So I say, \"OK, let's do it now.\" We are going for a drive. I am driving. As we approach a hill, I see an asphalt driveway and a long parked car. I begin to go up the dirt road up the hill past the car and then I stop and say, \"No, we had trouble doing this the last time. Let's try the short cut.\" I back up to go over the asphalt pathway. I see a tiny car with odd wheels that flop around in a strange circular motion like it's swimming. It goes past. Then I hesitate and say, \"We can't go this way.\" The woman is talking about her novel and her ex-husband and a platform. I say testily, \"I'm tired of hearing about your ex-husband and the platform (sort of a novel she wrote).\" She says I should use the asphalt path. I sigh and look again. I think my front wheels will lock under the lip of the entry and will be stopped. But I try again and my wheels pop over the lip and we're off. I feel a little embarrassed." }, { "number": "3081", "head": "11/18/96", "content": "I am making art things. My \"dad\" comes along and looks at it and says \"Hey, that's all I get, a silly necklace around my neck and this?\" He's referring to the picture I drew to represent my feelings for him. He's in blue and pink and some kind of neck band thing, holding another picture. I am hurt and say to him, \"You are insulting me and my art.\" I walk away from him, feeling sad. I look again at the picture. I had good reason to draw it this way. I stand by my artistic decisions." }, { "number": "3082", "head": "11/25/96", "content": "I am all dressed up in a lovely gown, waiting for my date to arrive. There are children and Melinda in the room. My young man comes to the door. I am excited and pleased. He is very good-looking and well groomed and dressed. I go to the coat closet to get a coat. I am taking special pains to dress socially acceptable as opposed to my usual bid for comfort before fashion style. I pick a coat and realize it is Melinda's. She s miles her consent at me. I put it on. A scarf goes with it, very 1950's in style. We leave, feeling happy." }, { "number": "3083", "head": "11/26/96", "content": "A woman with a manly hairstyle and a thick, muscular body is trying to kill my sister Lydia. The woman wants a box that Lydia has. The contents are valuable. I don't know what it is. There is a conspiracy going on between Lydia's husband and the woman and her husband to get the box and kill Lydia. I try to snatch the box and the woman is coming toward Lydia. I step in between them. The woman laughs and warns me to stay out of it or I will be killed. I say, \"I can't let you hurt my sister.\" I have to try. We struggle. I yell out to a blind woman like Becky to break the windows and unlock the doors. She slowly walks toward the window, being very inept and saying testily she wasn't being inept. I manage to capture the woman, yelling to someone to help me hold onto her. I manage to get her handcuffed. She is a tricky, wily woman. I smash through the glass panes of the door windows and I pull her outdoors and down the country village road. I call out, \"Where's the sheriff's office?\" No one is helping. The sheriff, a pleasant-looking young man, saunters up and asks what I want. I am desperately holding on to this almost escaping woman and explaining the situation. I realize that while we are talking, her husband is cleaning the broken glass panes I shattered to get out of the house and they are setting me up to look like I am harming them." }, { "number": "3084", "head": "11/27/96", "content": "I am watching a woman being prepared for execution, because after they kill her, it's my turn to be executed. They rest her chin on a pile of white pillows. She is standing. I feel the fear and the cold, clammy certainty of my own upcoming death. There is nothing I can do. It is inevitable" }, { "number": "3085", "head": "11/27/96", "content": "First there is a war going on. I wear a helmet and a bullet hits me on the top of my helmet as I am lying down in a crouched position. I pick up the spent bullet for a souvenir. I was lucky and the bullet didn't harm me. Now Jennifer H is very sad. Her girlfriend is going to commit suicide. She will drink poison and die. A woman like Katrina is there. I drink the poison too. I am afraid and yet calm. My death is certain now. It's a weird thought that my life is ending NOW. I lie down. I notice Jennifer sitting on the floor near her girlfriend. The girlfriend is in the last throes, gasping and all bound up like in a cocoon or shroud. She turns her face toward Jennifer to say something to her. Her face is contorted. She changes her mind because it's too exhausting to struggle against the enclosing death. I realize I am nearly at that stage now, my poison worked faster than hers. I suddenly think of my girls and how sad I won't be there to watch them grow up. I ask Katrina for paper and pen to write my last wishes. I think of my girls, then I think of my women's group friends and then I look at some of my writing (on yellow legal pad paper) and say, \"Well, some of this was pretty good.\" It seems so strange that I am about to be nonexistent, inconceivable." }, { "number": "3086", "head": "11/27/96", "content": "I am at some kind of convention. I seem to be always late for breakfast. I hear a speech and then go in to the food area to see if there's any leftovers. I find biscuits and so on and begin to snack. I see a woman and sit beside her. I realize it is Princess Di. She speaks in a very soft voice and the radio is playing very loudly. I say, \"Just a minute. I have to turn the radio off. I can't hear you.\" I see two or three radios. I try to turn them off. Which one is it? Another woman is trying to help me. It doesn't work. Now I am in another room. Kids' books are laid out for us to peruse. A man is talking about gun control and how toys and games are inspected for safety features more than guns are. It's a lecture. It's a loud radio newscaster kind of voice. I decide spontaneously to walk for awhile. I start walking up a road, up a hill, and notice I am barefooted. A small girl, maybe 8 or 9 years old, walks with me. I wonder if we can make it barefooted. The gravel spots could be painful. Then I remember I didn't bother to tell anyone where I or the girl was going. They may be worried. Now I'm in a room and a male is telling a sports story about the Raiders." }, { "number": "3087", "head": "11/28/96", "content": "I am seated and a man in a blue patterned flannel shirt comes over and sits next to me. He is sweet and loving and attracted to me. He is gentle. I am attracted to him as well, even though I critically notice that he is slightly pudgy and my age, but still a nice looking man. We sit very close. He puts his arm around me and we are physically very aware of each other. It is very sensual. We like being close together." }, { "number": "3088", "head": "11/28/96", "content": "I have returned to the community college C. department to work a bit. Jerome comes over and asks me if I would be a \"P.\" I say, \"I've been gone so long I don't have any idea how things work now. What does a 'P' do? Do they still do registration and center coverage? And office hours?\" He says yes. I want to be conciliatory and obliging, so I agree to be a \"P.\" I notice Jerome's eyes look odd, sort of big with wrinkles around them. He is standing at my desk and I go near his desk. He says to me, \"Are you intending to use my desk or yours?\" I again am aware of wanting to be obliging and say, \"Oh, my desk, of course. It would be silly to change desks since yours is already set up.\" Then I feel uneasy, wondering if this is a part-time job or a full-time one. I hope it is only part-time." }, { "number": "3089", "head": "11/29/96", "content": "I am in a hospital as a patient. I think I am having surgery. A man friend of mine, like Paul of acting class, also has surgery. I suddenly remember it's been days since he went for surgery and I had forgotten to check in on how he did. I start going through the halls of the hospital asking different nurses where I can find out how he's doing and what room he's in now. They are not helpful. I keep trying. I now have to pee and go to a bathroom. I see a woman is in there, so I am by the door waiting. The woman comes out, but another one pops in ahead of me. I am annoyed and say, \"Hey. It was my turn. I was waiting here.\" I see several other women now trying to get ahead of me. One woman left her things on the toilet, a cosmetic bag and so on. Now I am out of my wheelchair and standing so I can muscle my way in if I have to." }, { "number": "3090", "head": "11/30/96", "content": "I am moving from a many-roomed house. There are back rooms I've not even been in. The moving is becoming more and more disorganized. Now people are picking up things and taking them outside, not even in boxes, and sitting them out there. I don't even have the truck thing set up to take things to the new place. I ask someone, maybe my father, to wait and let's get things organized before it starts raining and ruining everything. Now I am supposed to move to the water world of my lover. I put on the bride dress and then Dovre, my daughter, helps me wrap up good so I'll stay warm and dry in the transition, with many layers of black, warm cloth wrapped around my legs and so on, a stocking hat on my head. I come out and my lover sees me, the king of the water world. He is a bit upset to see me so plain and ugly dressed. He discreetly leaves into a building to wait as Dovre helps me unwrap. I am aware that I am supposedly underwater, yet there are bright-colored flowers on the hillside and I can breathe just fine. I get unwrapped down to the bride dress and I call out to my lover that he can come out and greet me." }, { "number": "3091", "head": "12/01/96", "content": "I am trying to walk up some stairs that aren't even finished being built yet. I realize how futile and hard this is, so I go back down and find an \"elevator\" which is simply a pull chain as I stand on a wooden floor. The mechanism goes down and I see the inner structure of the basement floors go by as I stand there unprotected. I am a bit nervous, wondering if it has a stopping mechanism or if I'll just plow into the floor when I get there. It does have a stopping mechanism and I step off and find myself in a basement, a BIG basement. I am tired and lie down on the floor, with my head resting on a sack of some kind. I see a kitten and then another and then groups of them curled up on shelves and sacks of things. They are all adorable and most are calico. One of them, a half-grown one, sits on my chest and wants to be petted. I pet her, happily. One small baby one nibbles on my ear and I tell it to stop. Now four or five men come in and stop and see me. They are young and muscular and good-looking. One is in a power wheelchair. He smiles at me. They are here to pleasure me sexually. I lie passively where I am and then feel one of them near me. I turn my head and am happy to see he is very beautiful, Mexican, I think, because of his thick black hair and his warm brown eyes. I exclaim, pleased, \"You are so very good-looking.\" He smiles, pleased. His skin is covered with a shiny coconut oil substance. I curl up to him and begin sensually kissing him all over his chest and so on. He begins to expertly wriggle his penis into me. It is very erotic and exciting." }, { "number": "3092", "head": "12/03/96", "content": "I am telling one of my daughters that I had stayed up all night working on linking my dreams. I did all 3,000 of them. I feel exhausted. I say I worked from 7:30 to 12." }, { "number": "3093", "head": "12/03/96", "content": "I am sitting somewhere with a young, good-looking man. I love him deeply and I feel he loves me too. But he is a homeless vagabond and resists the idea of surrender to love. At first he is kissing me and I am resisting. He says, \"When did you ever water-ski?\" and I say, \"Before the arthritis, about 19 years old.\" He is surprised and very happy. Then I have a chance, he says. By this he means that he still has a chance not only to kindle my love, but to bring me the best ecstasy and sexual pleasure I've ever experienced, because I was so young and inexperienced when I came down with arthritis. Now he and I and a younger boy are walking through a park. I see a grassy area with cement picnic tables and an indoors area with lots of round tables. I decide to sit in the room. I go from table to table, which at first look empty, but as I get there, I'll see a sweater and purse or books. Someone is saving the table. So we go outside. I am standing very close to him. It is exquisite torture for the both of us. I turn my face and kiss him on the cheek. He pulls back sharply, like any little thing will make him cave in emotionally and he'll succumb to the loving feelings. Finally, I get up and say, \"Look, I've done all I can. If you want me, you'll come and find me,\" and I walk away from him, ready to give him up entirely. I have to for my own peace of mind." }, { "number": "3094", "head": "12/06/96", "content": "I have some author's original manuscript, written by hand. It is a bulky, loose-paged thing in a folder. I try to get into it, but it is so boring. Finally, I start passing up chunks of the book. I tell Ginny that I have to scan the thing just to find out how it ends, once I've started a book. She laughs gently at me. I decide, what the heck, and go straight to the last two pages. I pick up the manuscript and carry it into the next room where Ernie is seated at a table, desk-like thing, which has rainbow colors on it, and there isn't another thing in the room or on the desk. I put it next to him and joke, \"Maybe you want to read it.\" I go into another room where Ginny brings me a two-book set from a bookstore that she thought I'd be interested in, a sci-fi book, maybe Ursula Le Guin. I open it up and the words sparkle and sort of look like those colorful hologram pictures. They are energetic, colorful, moving pictures only on the words that have that kind of meaning. I like the books and wonder how much they cost. I try to read the cardboard display. Maybe they are $10.20 each." }, { "number": "3095", "head": "12/07/96", "content": "I am at the community college again, wondering if they have part-time jobs for counselors. Andrea says maybe in a few years. I am now walking with Jim (dean of something). He likes me and I am distracted a bit. He is showing me some cute things for sale in the community college store. He tries to interest me in looking at things. I realize this is his way of helping us be closer, so I try. He shows me a small ceramic footprint which, when you open it up, is filled with sand. I see a candlestick, black and slim with ceramic cats on it. It is very cute. I am trying to see the prices. Some of the more ornate ones are two or three hundred dollars. The slim one is maybe $10.00. He wants me to go have a salad and sandwich with him at the cafeteria. I feel kind of interested, but not supercharged." }, { "number": "3096", "head": "12/07/96", "content": "I am seated on a bench on a porch with a man and we are talking. There are other people strolling around, some women being catty about me. Another man sits by me on the swing. Someone is showing a video of a famous celebrity talking about E City. I say \"Oh, I love E City. I describe the scene to the man by me. I tell him this is an arts fair (Saturday market). He admires what fun we seem to be having and how progressive. Then a road that leads to the ocean. I am puzzled and say, \"We don't have an ocean at E City. Maybe this is someplace else.\" Now I am going down the road and see the waves. As I round the corner, I see it's a wide river with big boats causing the waves. I say \"Oh, this is the big river, the W. In Dover.\" We go down by the river and I point out the newly built modern bridge. I get upset being so close to the churning water and say, \"We have to go back up to the road. I get scared near deep water.\" I try to crawl up through a grate-covered hole. He is wanting to explore the bridge more and moves his grate so it covers my entrance hole. I say, \"Help me please.\" He then pulls me up by the arm, concerned not to hurt me. I make it up and then say \"OK, now we can explore the bridge.\"" }, { "number": "3097", "head": "12/14/96", "content": "I am a pregnant woman. I am in labor, only it's too soon and will take a long time. One man is supposed to come to the woods where I am alone, or at least I think I am alone, but the dream insists on adding lots of other people, and I wave my hands at them to make them go away, but they don't. I am annoyed. I want to be isolated and this one man is connected with me. But the dream simply has lots of people hanging out in the same woods." }, { "number": "3098", "head": "12/15/96", "content": "I am in a writing class. It is the end of the term and I am packing my stuff away, but wondering if I should keep some of my things there for next term; only will we use the same room? But it's a lot of stuff to carry away. I decide to take it and I go to my new home, which is an isolated spot far from anyone. I have a door and a room, but somehow no walls on the back side of the room. Or if there is a wall, it is miles away with black emptiness there. There is one more room and I look in it, but it belongs to someone else. I look out a window and the barren fields go forever. I move in the two or three jukebox-like machines with neon tube lights all over them. A man I like comes to the door and I invite him in. I show him the place and we look out the window and see a another large window out there with my different arrowheads and artifacts lined up in a row. I point to one and say, \"It's the turtle man design,\" The man I like finds them all strange and kind of laughs at me, but then there are three other men there, bad men. One is a 400-pound Sumo wrestler type and one is the boss, named Larry. Larry tells the wrestler to get me. I fight him off, punching and trying to kick his balls, but I don't try hard enough and he's going to kill me, so I tell him or maybe I told the man I like earlier that I had karate to protect me. I move into an all-out kill-or-be-killed mode and nail him good. I am furious with Larry and tell him I will never write for him again. He had put me in jeopardy. He laughs and then leans up against the window, and at that moment the nuclear whatever that was out there explodes and he is crisped. I remember the startled look on his face as he realized he was about to die. I run to the door jamb and stand there, and supposedly this protects me enough that they all die, but I live. But I don't completely believe it even in the dream because with that massive a nuclear explosion so close, I couldn't survive." }, { "number": "3099", "head": "12/16/96", "content": "There is a fair setting up across the street from my house. The Ferris wheel is set up first and will run for two days before the rest of the fair is set up. I go over and meet a man who is sort of an agent or associate of the man who runs the Ferris wheel. He and I talk and it is clear that I write and he does, and he is interested in maybe marketing stuff. I get on the Ferris wheel with Boomer the cat in my arms. We start going up and the cat gets scared and I wonder if this was such a good idea. I notice I'm not scared by the height, which I usually am. Then I turn my body more so I face full front and we keep going up and I get scared too. I hang on to Boomer hard, hoping he won't scratch me badly, and soothe him. We go around and around and then it stops and I get off. The man who runs it is interested in me and the agent comes over to tell me the other man would like to have a date with me after the fair closes. I say, \"But how old is he?\" The agent says, \"30 or so.\" I say, \"Well, does he know I am much older? I'm 53.\" He smiles and says he knows but it's OK. He lives with his mother, and besides, he likes that I am a writer. We can talk about writing. I hesitate and then say OK. I walk home now to wait, but am very aware of how tired I feel and how I would rather go to bed and sleep than wait up to go out late at night. Now I see a woman who is the mother of a young woman. I say hi and we talk. She is interested in writing too. I tell her she reminds me of a vegetable. She has a green cast to her pudgy face. This does not sit well with her. She is insulted and tells me she doesn't appreciate being compared to a vegetable. I try to explain myself saying it was a compliment and I didn't mean any particular vegetable. I didn't mean a tomato or a potato (I have trouble deciding which pronunciation I should use, like that song \"You say tomato, I say tomato\"). I list carrot as well, saying I think the carrot is a fine vegetable. But I know inside I am not complimenting her. Her writing is stodgy, no energy, unthinking, like a vegetable. Now I hear a very annoying sound and look over to see her younger daughter flicking her finger tips and nails together over some food thing. The mother is nagging her to stop and doing the same thing. The young woman who is my friend sits between them, quite distressed and powerless at stopping these two from their power plays. I feel sorry for the young woman and want to help." }, { "number": "3100", "head": "12/17/96", "content": "I am standing, holding a sick boy in my arms. He is a cute tow head boy about 6 years old. He is so sleepy that he curls up in a fetal ball position over my arm as I try and hold him around the waist. Then I pull him gently to standing and he is still sleeping, all draped over my arms. Now I feel some wet and gooey substance on my foot and think he's thrown up on me. But when I look, it is some food he had in his hand, like noodles or something, that fell out of his relaxed hand. I think he's sick and maybe has an ear infection. I carry him to a bed and put him down, covering him up with a sleeping bag. He seems quite willing to lay there and sleep. It's good for him and he knows it. Now there is a windstorm and I am in a rowboat or walking across a raised bar across a large body of water. I cross it to the other side to investigate it. The boy is there and people keep shooing him back for his own safety and yet he must go there for his better health. They don't understand that. So we cross back over the bar and some man is saying the winds are increasing. I wonder if the car we are in will be swept off the bar and into the churning water, but that doesn't happen. We get to the other side." }, { "number": "3101", "head": "12/17/96", "content": "I am setting the table which has an under box with dirt in it and a metal top like an old kitchen table I used to have. I have planted seeds in the dirt and I notice the plants are beginning to grow -- beans, corn, and so on. I am very impressed because I realize the plants had to have bored a hole through the metal to be there. I peek under and see that is so. Then the plants aren't plants but little boxes with labels on them to say what herbs or lotions are in them. They grow in groups of two or threes. I set a table setting on one edge and a glass of milk with a straw in it. This will be my place. Some people are helping me move stuff into the area. They hang clothes on a wire or string over the couch by the table, but the dresses are too long so I tell them to hang those across the table edge where my place setting is, knowing that will cover over my place. Now the dresses are dream images being hung up like pictures on paper. A row of people are at each edge of the table, like a square circle. It's a dream group and they are asking me about my dream images. I start to enthusiastically tell them of the fascinating dream where these dog and wolf images were in, but one interrupts me with a story about a dream of mine he remembers with those images in it, only the picture he shows me is the animals on the side of the road, injured or dead. I try to tell him that's the wrong dream, but he won't listen. Then there's another question, and I answer saying proudly that I hope someday to create a dream center here, and they interrupt me talking and talking. No one is listening to me at all. I feel frustrated." }, { "number": "3102", "head": "12/20/96", "content": "I am talking to a man who owns a turquoise '55 Chevy that drives like a boat. It's a convertible and when you are in the driver's side, it has a rectangular piece with a forward and a backward gear lever. I start to drive it and catch on very quickly how to drive it. I go fast and laugh, thinking maybe the man is worried I might not be able to handle it. It is fun. Now I am inside some man's house. The car man is with me. I like him, but he isn't paying any attention to me. I hear a lot of noise and go to the back of the house. I see a stable outside and peek in. Three nuns are screaming and crying and very concerned. One of them yells one of them is having one. This means one of several different animals is giving birth now. I go back into the house, the man with me, and it's a party and I want him to dance with me and kiss me. But suddenly a huge elephant rampages through and we have to move quickly to get out of the way. We jump to the wall and squeeze between the wall and the refrigerator. We are face to face and I turn my face up, hoping he will finally kiss me. He starts getting the idea and tentatively and shyly starts to kiss me. I am very happy. Now the nuns are screaming it's the other animal giving birth. We go to the door and look. I wonder if the nun's are OK there or if we need to rescue them." }, { "number": "3103", "head": "01/03/97", "content": "I am firing Angel. I am on a campus, like the community college. I see some women teachers I know and stop to chat. Dovre is there. She tells me she and Paulina had invested in some children's gold, children's jewelry that is made of gold. She says they lost money. It was at 6 and now it's at 3. I say, \"Don't worry. Keep it; it will raise back up in value.\" She keeps it in a safety deposit box in a back room. Now she and I are walking and see a booth with Archie running it. He is demonstrating Contact Improv in a small, square pool of water. He smiles at me and at Dovre. I introduce her as my daughter. He invites her to join him and he'll teach her. I laugh and say, \"She won't do it.\" I think she will be shy and say no. She dives right in and swims underwater like a dolphin. I am surprised, pleasantly so, and say, \"Ok, I love being wrong.\" Now Mr. Spock is there. He is wearing weird glasses that don't have a nose bridge and is two long rectangular cardboard flaps with designs on them. He and Archie are friends and Spock is excited about a class he's going to teach. He's been researching and preparing for some time. He says to Archie, \"I haven't felt this good since 10 years after the wake,\" meaning someone he loved died and he has been miserable since. I am attracted to him and would like to have a relationship. He says, \"Maybe you could help me teach the class, take a few sessions.\" I say, \"I'd like that. I can do communication skills and my disability stuff.\" He says, \"Then we could later co-teach it.\" I liked that a lot. I remember I could teach about dreams." }, { "number": "3104", "head": "01/11/97", "content": "I am in bed with Howard. He is lying on my left arm, which is under him. He is holding my left hand cupped in his hands very gently. He is talking to himself softly. He is looking at the many, many rows of scars from shots and blood tests. He is sorry for the pain I must endure. I feel his soft skin and like being near him. I wonder if we could forget all the pain of the past and just start over. I feel tenderness for him. He moves and the moment is over. I do not try to bring it back." }, { "number": "3105", "head": "01/15/97", "content": "Howard and I are moving furniture in a tiny house of mine. We are trying to make it safer and better for the babies, a baby girl and a 2-year-old boy. We put the baby girl's bedroom near us. I feel happy that Howard is there and we are working on the house. It feels right. Later a Ricardo type boy (man) is playing ice hockey. He makes some very extraordinary moves that are complicated. I am impressed. Now there is a tiny, little, furry kitten-like animal with black and white spots that was just born a few minutes ago. I wonder if I'm the mother and Howard is the father, but I realize it is an orphan. We adopt it." }, { "number": "3106", "head": "01/16/97", "content": "Burt Lancaster and I are talking in a room. I am asking him about some of his movies. I ask him if a particular movie, \"The Stone Commander,\" had a script or if they ad-libbed the thing. I think they ad-libbed. He says, \"No, it had a script, in fact, it had two.\" I am surprised. Now I am counting rows of broccoli: 10 heads to a row and 10 rows. The woman who owns the broccoli asks what I'm doing. I say, \"We need these for a movie about vegetables.\" She say, \"Oh no, this is my favorite broccoli. It's so sweet.\" [BL]" }, { "number": "3107", "head": "01/17/97", "content": "I am preparing to do a performance at a meeting. The woman boss is talking and I realize I don't have my scripts with me for the play. I start looking around the office. I make a mess with all the papers I look through. As I am frantically searching, I also notice that the audience is off in another part of the room, partitioned off. If we moved ourselves into their room, we would be seen better. I check and see that there is plenty of room beyond the office partition. I wonder why we were told to do it in the office in the first place. I am worried that I can't remember the words or the sequence of things we are supposed to do. I am unhappy, and frantic. [BL]" }, { "number": "3108", "head": "01/19/97", "content": "I am late to a lecture. The audience is seated along one edge of the long l-shaped room. Several tables are in the center of the area. I go to the center one and stand there with another woman. A man, a mayor, is giving his State of the City Address. He wears cowboy boots and a big cowboy hat. As he talks passionately about the history of E City, he walks around. Sometimes he is walking around a tiny ledge up on the wall. Another time he straightens up a photo of himself which had slipped down in its frame. He later walks on a balcony and then jumps down. Later, he walks around the l-shaped room's corner to be visible to the stretched-out, oddly-spaced audience. I change my hat and handbag. Two skinny older women in silly odd-shaped cowgirl hats pop out from the back stage area to sing a song, but they are too early. They sing one note and stop suddenly, embarrassed. I like the mayor and what he is saying. I remember some of the things he was talking about and marvel at how many years ago it was that this building or park was started." }, { "number": "3109", "head": "01/23/97", "content": "I am working hard on the DreamWeaver database. I show someone that I have just checked off page 1 of 500 pages. I have a lot of work to do yet. I am impressed with the bigness of the project." }, { "number": "3110", "head": "01/24/97", "content": "I am lying on a bed. I consider myself an old lady, very old, but I am only my own age (53). I am dying. The bed begins to rise up into the air. I float along, rising higher and higher as well as going forward out the door and down the street. I pass the interior of a hospital, and a baby who is dying joins me. I hold the baby and talk soothingly to it. We rise up toward heaven. I am relieved. I was wondering which way I'd end up going." }, { "number": "3111", "head": "01/25/97", "content": "I am walking down a sidewalk and it is raining very hard. I have a black umbrella and I am enjoying this walk, even though I am dripping wet. An older woman walks with me for a while but she gives up and turns to return to her car or someplace dry. I keep on, loving the rain. Now I am walking in a lovely Swiss Alps country. I stop on the sidewalk and look around at the incredible beauty all around me: mountains, yellow Swiss houses, autumn-colored leaves on the many trees. I am in a small village. A good-looking man is in a red car in a parking lot nearby. He watches me and is entranced by my innocent appreciation of the beauty around me. I begin to walk up a very steep hillside sidewalk and he gets out of the car and follows me. It is hard to walk up this steep walkway, but I am enjoying the vigorous challenge. At the top is a huge tree, where you will not get wet. I go under the tree. The man strikes up a conversation with me and I like talking to him, but I don't really give him my full attention because everything around me is so interesting. The leaves of this tree are so thick, they make a wall. He shows me by taking my hand and rubbing it against the leaves. I am amazed. He watches me, liking the reactions I have, but wanting me to notice him. I look out a window, which is really an open square in the leaves. This tree is huge and really creates a long house. We walk on, the tree now a series of hallways with small rooms. It is a museum-like place. I peek in one room, a tiny one with a woman in it. She is conducting an experiment with magnetics or something. I am curious and go in. She tells me to lean my front against the wall. I do and the man is very close behind me. Other people come in and we are very crowded, so the man is right up against my back, pressing me into this odd feeling magnetic wall. It feels good. We go on. He asks me to join him at the Village Fair. I now realize he is interested in me and is courting me. I don't completely trust him, but we spend the afternoon at the Fair, laughing, talking, and walking around. I am attracted to him. Now it is evening. I return to where I had come from, some house or hotel. My man and another one I knew before are talking. I gather from the conversation that it was some kind of competition. The other man had dated me, so this one wanted to try and get me from him. I am deeply hurt and run from the building. The man who likes me runs after me. I run down steep hillsides, dashing around trees and I go for miles. He is in hot pursuit. I wade in a lake to cover my tracks and then swim. I am out of breath and exhausted, but keep on. I arrive at the other end of the lake and climb up a rope ladder to a second story window of my papa's house, calling out \"Papa.\" I feel the man now climbing the rope ladder too. I desperately cry out, \"NO!\" and try to shake him off. He is determined to catch me to explain how I had misinterpreted the conversation. He truly does love me. I fall into my \"mother's\" arms gasping, \"Don't let him catch me.\" The man gasps out, \"\" We had covered miles and I had kept the lead the whole way. I'd pushed myself beyond my capabilities." }, { "number": "3112", "head": "01/25/97", "content": "Howard and I are at a beach. A high hill across the inlet has some people on it. They are throwing toy boats or planes around. One lands in the shallow water near me. I wade in and am surprised the water is so warm. Howard and I go for a wade, only it turns out not to be the ocean but a parking lot. As we walk, I tenderly touch the white shirt he is wearing. I touch the arm as a gentle way to be connected or close. It feels very nice. Now I have to go pee. We go into a public bathroom. I am surprised we are both in the same one. He says it's ok. I go to the other side of the room, still concerned about the mixed sexes in one bathroom. I pee, but the toilet is loose and wiggles around. I notice it is a galvanized metal tub I am peeing into. I wonder who will have to clean up that mess. Charla joins us and we go on with the walk. We are in a church. Howard says he'd like to go there some day. I ask what kind of church it is, and he says \"scholarship\" or something academic. Now we are walking down a street and some drunk and disorderly people are driving in a dangerous way toward us. Howard had been drinking beer and he started getting belligerent back at them. I walk away, deliberately calling him Jared, which upsets him, as I knew it would. He resented being compared with his father. He leans up to me and says, \"I'm not the only one who has faults.\" I sigh and agree. \"I know,\" I say. \"I have them too.\" Now we are seeing a counselor. We begin to talk, to try and work out our differences. I say, \"But it isn't only that. There are so many things we'd have to change.\" It is too much." }, { "number": "3113", "head": "01/25/97", "content": "We are having a serious meeting about the wording of some document. It's like the C. Department people but it isn't. I go to sleep in the middle of it, because it is so boring. They want me to agree with what they wrote, but I don't want to comment because I feel it doesn't say anything of substance. Now the meeting breaks up and a man is teasing me. We are joking and he is surprised I am fun to be around. I show them another meeting room I had prepared. They ask if there is enough room for 20 people. I say, \"The room capacity is 135, I would think there would be enough room.\" Now I am looking at pictures in a magazine of a M City-like region with a old \"Gabby Hayes\" kind of man in the picture. Now I am harmonizing with some man a song that goes like this, \"Whoa. The sun comes up in the morning.\" The harmonizing sounds very good. They are impressed. [BL]" }, { "number": "3114", "head": "01/28/97", "content": "I am trying to become a doctor. The test is to take a bunch of letters and spell out your life experiences. I take the letters out of a box, but they are made of a sort of oatmeal-type material and easily breaks and balls up. I am also running out of letters. I am upset. I go to the teacher doctor at the front desk and breathlessly explain my situation. I so much want to perform well so I can pass the test. He watches me with interest to see how I will handle this challenge. I see some plastic letters in a sheet. I find a blue sheet of them and a teal blue one. I now have better materials and rush to continue my work. I am now making a tiny tortilla and putting refried beans on it. I fold the tortilla and put a part of an olive on it and a scrap of lettuce. I then plop a bottle of Mexican beer by the place setting, in the manner of a person who doesn't appreciate the wife role. I feel some resentment. I then put a bottle of rose-colored wine cooler next to it, for me, and then move it to the far end of the table. I try to find a pretty china dish, but none are left and I look for any plate. Now I am done and go to the teacher doctor. He smiles at the intensity I feel and the anxiety for how I did. He says, \"Call upstairs and see if they graded you yet.\" I search for a telephone. Then I ask for the extension number, then I can't find a quarter. Then it's the wrong phone. A bemused clerk at the drugstore I'm in comes over and shows me the pay phone. It is high up on the wall. I try to put the quarter in the right slot, as there are two. I accidentally try to put in a round glass piece. I see my mistake and put in a quarter. I finally reach them upstairs and they say, \"The results are in, come on up to get them.\" I am near tears. I race to the stairs, at first crossing an odd board on the floor that tilts to slide you on down the hall, but I am on the wrong floor. I retrace my steps and find the circular stairway. I step on the first stair, which has an odd accordion expanding set of stairs that work a bit like an escalator, except I step up each step and it carries me to the next step. My borrowed white lab coat gets caught for a moment in the device. I pull it free. The clerk already knows I passed because I had been so thorough and conscientious. I am filled with dread and anticipation." }, { "number": "3115", "head": "01/31/97", "content": "I am in an audience, waiting for the reception to begin. The huge cake with chocolate and white frosting on it is at the front of the room. I am seated in the front row at the far right. I notice that the cake has far too much frosting on it and is dropping as the chocolate globs drift down the sides. I want to help, so I go and scrape off the globs of frosting and try to frost the cake again. I take huge quantities of frosting off and put it on a cardboard. Then I look again and notice that I have really made a mess of this cake. There apparently hadn't been too much and I had put chocolate where the white was and so on. I feel embarrassed and I feel badly for Andrea who made the cake. She comes in and I feel compelled to apologize and explain my actions to her. She looks at me and then at the cake and is appalled. She turns and leaves the room. Her cake is ruined and she feels angry and miserable. I feel bad I accidentally made the mess, but I am also aware of a sense of revenge or satisfaction, which I try to minimize or deny. I see my mother seated at the front of the room. Another woman, younger, comes and sits next to her, rather close. My mother shifts her position to create more distance and then to my surprise she puts her arm along the back of the chair the other woman is seated in. She is careful to keep her distance and not actually make physical contact with the woman. I also notice that there are many square parts of the cake all along the front of the room in piles. It was a pretty big cake and tastes just fine. Nobody else seemed upset that the frosting wasn't perfect." } ] }