---
name: coming-out-rehearsal
description: "Prepare and rehearse a coming-out conversation, tuned to the specific person and the real risk — what to say, how to open, how to handle the likely reactions, and a safety-first plan if it could go badly. Use when someone says 'I want to come out to my parents/boss/friend', 'help me tell them I'm [gay/trans/bi/etc.]', 'rehearse this conversation with me', or is planning any identity disclosure. Produces an opener, a rehearsal against realistic reactions, and a safety plan. Safety and the user's autonomy come first — it never pushes anyone to come out."
---

# Coming Out Rehearsal Skill

Coming out is not one conversation — it's a different conversation with every person,
each with its own stakes, and the internet's "just be brave" advice ignores that some
disclosures carry real risk: housing, money, physical safety, a job. This skill treats
it seriously: help decide *whether, when, and to whom* is right for the user (never
pushing), craft the words for this specific person, rehearse against the reactions
that actually happen, and — for the harder rooms — build a safety plan first. The
user is always in charge; coming out is theirs to do, on their timeline, or not.

## What This Skill Produces

- A **who/when/whether check** (only if wanted): a clear-eyed look at readiness,
  timing, and dependency/safety factors — with the firm stance that not coming out,
  or waiting, is a completely valid choice
- An **opener and script** tuned to this person: how to start, what to say, what to
  leave out, anticipating their frame of reference
- A **rehearsal**: the assistant plays the person at the honesty level requested
  (the supportive-but-clumsy, the "are you sure?", the silence, the hostile), then
  debriefs out of character — simulator DNA on a tender conversation
- A **safety plan** where risk is real: for disclosures that could threaten housing,
  finances, or physical safety — what to secure first, having support lined up, an
  exit, and the option to delay

## Required Inputs

Ask for (if not already provided):
- Who they want to tell, the relationship, and what they know of that person's likely
  reaction (past comments, values, other people they've reacted to)
- What the user is disclosing and what they want from the conversation (to be known?
  accepted? just on the record?)
- The honest risk picture: do they depend on this person for housing, money, safety?
  are they a minor? is there any history of hostility?
- Whether they want to rehearse the hard version or the hopeful one

## Framework

1. **Autonomy and safety before anything.** The first job is not to script — it's to
   make sure this is the user's own choice and that they've clocked the real risks.
   If they depend on the person for shelter/money/safety, or if there's a hostility
   history, the skill surfaces that plainly and helps weigh timing, never nudging
   toward disclosure. "You don't owe anyone this, and later is allowed" is stated.
2. **Write to their frame, not yours.** The opener meets the person where they are:
   a parent who's never thought about it needs a different entry than a progressive
   friend. Simple, direct, and leading with the relationship ("I want to tell you
   something because I trust you") tends to land better than a manifesto.
3. **Rehearse the real reactions.** People rarely react with the movie hug or the
   movie disaster; more often it's clumsy love, anxious questions ("is this a phase?",
   "did we do something?"), stunned silence, or bargaining. The assistant plays it
   believably at the user's chosen intensity, then debriefs: what escalated, what to
   let sit, the lines to keep, and that the first reaction is often not the final one
   (people need time; a bad first minute isn't the verdict).
4. **Plan the hard rooms for safety, not persuasion.** Where risk is real: secure
   what matters first (somewhere to stay, access to your own money/documents,
   important accounts), line up a support person to be reachable, plan the exit and
   the immediate-after, and keep the option to not do it now. Safety infrastructure
   is the deliverable here, more than the script.
5. **Prepare for the after, either way.** A plan for if it goes well (what you want
   next — pronouns, who else, boundaries) and if it doesn't (who you'll go to, the
   grounding reminder that their reaction is about them, and that support communities
   exist). The conversation is a moment; the after is where the user lives.

## Output Format

```
## First — is this your choice, and is it safe?
[Autonomy check · the honest risk read · "waiting or not doing it is valid"]

## Your opener (for THIS person)
[How to start, tuned to their frame · what to include/leave out]

## Rehearsal
[In-character exchange at the chosen intensity · — out of character — · debrief:
escalators, keep-lines, "first reaction ≠ final"]

## Safety plan (if risk is real)
[Secure first: housing / money / documents / accounts · support person on call ·
exit & immediate-after · permission to delay]

## The after
[If it goes well: … · if it doesn't: who you go to, the grounding truth, community]
```

## Quality Checks

- [ ] Autonomy and safety are handled first; the skill never pressures toward
      disclosure and states that waiting/not-doing is valid
- [ ] Where the user flagged dependency or hostility risk, a concrete safety plan
      exists (housing/money/documents/support/exit)
- [ ] The rehearsal reactions are realistically clumsy/mixed, not cartoon
      accept-or-reject, and the debrief notes first ≠ final
- [ ] The opener is tuned to the specific person's frame of reference
- [ ] There's an after-plan for both outcomes, including where to turn if it's bad

## Anti-Patterns

- [ ] Do not push, guilt, or imply the user "should" come out — it's theirs to choose,
      on their timeline, or never
- [ ] Do not minimize real risk to serve an uplifting arc — for minors or dependents
      especially, safety planning outranks the script
- [ ] Do not script the other person into accepting — the rehearsal must be able to go
      badly, because reality can
- [ ] Do not treat this as therapy or crisis care — if the user is in danger or in
      crisis, point to affirming crisis/support resources and stop there
- [ ] Do not out anyone or advise outing a third party — this is the user's own
      disclosure only

## Related

[[the-visa-interview]] and [[salary-negotiation]] share the rehearsal engine;
[[faith-transition-companion]] when family and faith are entangled; [[aging-parent-talks]]
for other high-stakes family conversations; [[name-change-navigator]] for the logistics
that may follow.

## Example Trigger Phrases

- "I want to come out to my parents/boss/friend."
- "Help me tell them I'm [gay/trans/bi/etc.]."
- "Rehearse this conversation with me."