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"text": "Tha;ts a clump of hair, you fucking idiot. Did you really think that was a fossil ? If you show that to the museum guy he'll get mad at you",
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"text": "retweet this i f you capitalize Film. #Film",
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"text": "nmy name is greg. i enjoy Film and Tech.",
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"text": "if you dont watch the cool visualizations that your media player of choice provides alongside the music youre listening to; youre a coaward.",
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"text": "Wow, it's such a favorite song that you don't know the title OR the artist. RT @dril #myfavorite90ssong the blue song by daft punk",
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"text": "snubbed again by the 2012 Skeleton Awards; tore my skin off for naught",
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"text": "\u25b2 \u25b2 \u25b2 htese are the jeans that christ died in \u25b2 \u25b2 \u25b2",
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"text": "tipping over a news van on top of a pile of shattered childhoods in honor of Dying Idiot joe \"Joe Pa\" paterno #JoePa #Hell",
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"text": "no youre totally right,\"Joe Pa\" is a perfectly honorable & respectable man, assuming hes never confronted with any actual tests of character",
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"text": "well yeah if you look at this Joe Pa thing from the whole \"Rape Angle\" it looks pretty skeevy, but remember that time he did good at sports?",
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"text": "@DogBountyHunter what if you sprayed a can of pepper mace directly at my ass. what wouald happen. also congrats on season 2 or whatever",
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"text": "Starfish Rant. ive had it up to here with this bullshit animal. click here to watch my starfish rant",
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"text": "finest rack o ribs youve ever seen. you get your favorite dry rub all over that badboy but- oh no- it's sand. the sand laughs #BBQNightmares",
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"text": "im the sex principal. i have sex all the time in the techer lounge. i fuck the lady teachers & i fuck the man teachers. im all fat and shit.",
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"text": "as the sex principal it is my duty to wear a color-coded tie that indicates how many people i will have sex with today durnig working hours.",
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"text": "whenever someone tells me dolphins are intelligent as humans i send them the article aobut flipper killing himself to prove that theyre dumb",
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"text": "@enterprisecares Glove compartment in my rented vehicle filled with diapers and hair. Don't you guys check these things?",
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"text": "sorry im late, my car totally Friend Zoned me-- im fired??..now YOURE friend zoning me?? im gonna eat all these pills and friend zone myself",
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"text": "@enterprisecares Thanks, I'll get right on that. Also my daughter may have ingested some of the hair.",
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"text": "if you dont accompany my twitter feed with the \"real time with bill maher\" theme music every time you read it youre4 a piece of shit",
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"text": "we all have our own way of grieving. *sinks teeth into huge ass medium rare t-bone steak with \"WITNEY\" written on it in ketchup*",
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"text": "thge concept of \"forgiveness' is some stupid religious shit conceived to allow rich folks to beat the hell out of women #grammys #teambreezy",
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"text": "i support chris brown because my love of generic, autotuned shit overrides my intrinsic sense of morality #Grammys #teambreezy",
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"text": "chris brown engulfs the crowd in acid piss during bad concert, disfiguring scores of his awful fans (Says He's Sorry) #Grammys #teambreezy",
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"text": "what do Chris Brown, Hitler, and Charles Manson have in common? something charisma something something power something atrocity #teambreezy",
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"text": "chris brown farts into microphone as thousands of miserable, awful women attempt to fuck the speaker system #grammys #teambreezy",
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"text": "WHAT ABOut MY FREE SPEECH *a bunch of child porn spills outof mouth* IM AS HUMAN AS THE REST OF U *Dick Flies Out Of Pants And Spins Around*",
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"text": "know how roaches scatter when you turn the lights on??? same thing happens when i whip my big ass out. #miserable",
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"text": "who spit on my rats. ill find him",
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"text": "contrary to the lies posted by a certain MetalGearEric, i know what the word \"sex\" means, and i know what the word \"poop\" means",
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"text": "@Bro_Pair i dont have to. theres no law that says i have to",
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"text": "special Treat for all my prety lady followers.... http://t.co/Sb9TrXhg",
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"text": "whoever wrote \"I Exist To Be Hollered At\" onto the back of my Official Nascar Cape nneeds to crawl over to my address for some rebel justice",
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"text": "the worst mythbuster to ever exist was the dead mythbuster that they never talk about #TheDeadMythbuster",
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"text": "how can i get my 50year old co-workers more interested in the indie gaming scene. how. *kicks trashcan* how. *punches car* how. *fires gun*",
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"text": "mail 1000 envelopes addressed to \"The Desert\" and watch endless waves of government pawns march to their death #ANARCHY2012 #sand",
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"text": "which one of you jokers made the radio station shoutout \"Rock and Roll Kevin\", who has \"Brain Cancer\"",
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"text": "please leave, sir. your vulgar, senseless displays may be tolerated at K-Mart, but not here at Super K-Mart",
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"text": "dear god. in all my years.... an ancient diaper perfectly preserved in amber-- no wait, its just some shitty caveman head. throw it back",
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"text": "@plantcore HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA",
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"text": ".@plantcore may outright steal but at least @GoofyKidGalvin7 has the initiative to create bastard versions of the tweets he finds",
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"text": "hello 1800-GOT-JUNK?? PLease come by and give me all the junk you got. shovel it into my home, and my childrens bedrooms, and dont take any",
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"text": "what do you mean 1800-GOT-JUNK only takes waste \"Out\" of peoples houses. thats an absurd concept. i will hang the fuck up right now",
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"text": "a giant vat of slop in a secret factory has two pipes which lead to the bottling lines, one labeled \"GAMER FUEL\" and the other \"BABY FOOD\"",
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"text": "YO *points to spinal cord on brain diagram* THATS THE BRAIN;S DICK",
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"text": "clicked on discover button& found my \"Jokes\" are coping technique designed 2 assuage guilt surrounding my faltering relationship with CHrist",
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"text": "Want 2 know what's worse than widespread voter fraud?? hipsters putting scary pumpkins on their porch every october",
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"text": "gonna print out a bunch of pages from rival muscle blogs and scatter them across my driveway & drive my noisy scooter around on top of them",
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"text": "\"jail isnt real,\" i assure myself as i close my eyes and ram the hallmark gift shop with my shitty bronco",
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"text": "@apartheid how about go drink your self a babys formula pal!!!!!!!!",
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"text": "BOOOOOO TO M Y 10000TH FOLLOWER @TorresaurusRex BOO YOU PICE OF SHIT EVERYONE THROW YOUR SHOES AT @TorresaurusRex SUCK MY DICK",
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"text": "@Wegmans \"Authorities continue searching for clues after a beheading took place at a Wegmans food market\" This is absolutely disgusting.",
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"text": "obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls",
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"text": "everyone send me indie films about uncancelling \"wild hogs 2\" and i promise to project them onto my garage door. no cussing or nude, plaese.",
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"text": "turn on c-span, therse a man with an anonymous mask doing parkour on the senate floor and im rubbing my face on the tv to absorb his energy",
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"text": "FREE COUPONS - GET 3 SIMPSONS OF YOUR CHOICE PROFESSIONALLY PRINTED IN FULL COLOR ON THE SIDE OF ANY DESERT EAGLE PISTOL - I GOT 'UM",
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"text": "Louis? gosh, it's been years. it's me, Neal, from Law School. anyway, i got this big juicy onion here, was thinking me and you could fuck it",
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"text": "and the nobel peace prize goes to... \"Fag Poisoner\"?? a huge tattooed man takes the stage & bites into the award like a cookie, gives finger",
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"text": "im ready to show all of you my trick. watch *spreads arms and screams at the mountainside until an avalanche of boulders engulf me entirely*",
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"text": "BREAKER BREAKER ONE NINE THIS IS BIG SHITTY TRUCK DRIVER HAUL`N A BIG CUMMY DICK ON DOWN 2 SAN QUENTIN PENITENTIARY 2 FUCK ALL THE PRISONERS",
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"text": ".@fBisky d o it mother fucker, i thrive off of hell energy, i feed off of hater bullshit",
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"text": "wassup babe, im the reason Pregnancy-info .net disabled video embedding on their forums, how abuot giving me a nice kiss",
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"text": "\"humankind is so corrupt\" i mutter as i sandwich my dick between my badge and gun and take several pics of it with a disposable camera",
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"text": "middle-aged men have been retreating to the sewers of our fair city to cry. as mayor i will promise to eradicate these terrible crying men",
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"text": "banned from BullShit public pool for instantly turning water into Mud by jumping in it, begging lifeguard to end my life, etc and so Foreth",
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"text": "@drsleaze it;s time to log offline and stop Spamning this addres, fucker troll",
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"text": "@drsleaze im far too angry to piss anything, let alon e my trademark diaper.",
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"text": "so apparently if you take all of the autism awareness puzzle piece car decals and put them together you get a cool pic of yoshi as a girl",
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"text": "man with \"GLUTESLORD\" written on sweatband has gone mad with power, destroying nerds with sniper rifle from fortress on the roof of the gym",
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"text": "can anyone who has successfully made a surfboard out of their own shit please holler some pointers at me or maybe shoot me if you have a gun",
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"text": "i ask everyone to watch my recital but before i can begin i immediately slip and fall into the yellowstone supervolcano and my dick explodes",
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"text": "Help Me Deep Freeze My Beard So It Stinks Less",
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"text": "@CrackerBarrel guess who just touched my di*k??? yeah, it was a cracker barrel waiter.",
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"text": "@Famous_Daves so youve always been famous for your bbq, but now your staff can be famous for touching d**ks, namely Mine, earlier today",
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"text": "as the sun consumes the earth i will stand atop the highest mountain with my arms spread wide , shouting \"Bring Back Meebo\"",
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"text": "to the man in the forest dressed up like a traffic cop, giving all sorts of unauthorized directions and disrupting harmony of nature: FUCK U",
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"text": "alright Boys i just spent seven years on a dumpster diving voyage across South America and i got some nice Finds for YA , lets take a look:",
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"text": "three unopened boxes of promotional <E.T. \"MOONLIGHT ONION\" FLAVORED DORITOE'S>, covered in what appears to be machine oil but still good",
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"text": "about a dozen or so misshapen <ROSS PEROT VICTORY '96 ASHTRAYS> ,woud love to take up smoking just to get some use outta these bad boys",
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"text": "two hundred <JOHNNY COCHRAN LEWD HUMOR SWEATERS> , the kennel will give ya 20 cents for these , the animals love to wear them and rip em up",
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"text": "49 reams of <WALLACE AND GROMIT LEGAL-SIZED STATIONERY>, only a bastard would allow this to tocuh the foul lips of a garbage can.",
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"text": "nice bundle of <URI GELLER PEZ DISPENSERS>, many of which appear to be ruined by human teeth marks but some of them are ok",
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"text": "a <MYSTERIOUS CHASM> leading to an unrelenting void, a terrifying nightscape of psychological torture and constant misery. the worst dive",
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"text": "DESPERATELY MASHING MY HANDPRINTS INTO A HUGE WAD OF MY OWN SHIT ON THE HOLLYWOOD WALK OF FAME WHILE COPS FILL ME WITH BULLETS",
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"text": "MY WORST FEARS CONFIRME, COPS IN SEWER, MEASUIRING MY TOILET STATS AND PUTTING LOUD BUGS IN MY HOUSE AS PUNISHMENT WHENEVER I FUCK UP",
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"text": "poor spelling is no longer tolerated on this log. this is an adult account now., and i will NOT lose this follow friday to tghe trolls .",
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"text": "please follow my business associates @ZohanTweet, @Jokes_Zohan, @RacistZohan, @ZohanCroatia, @ZohanMoneyTips, @ZOHAN_REAL, and @MyFunnyZohan",
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"text": "whoever keeps adding \"none of the characters ever piss or shit\" to the \"goofs\" section of my indie film's IMDB page needs to wrestle my legs",
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"text": "Let 's Fill The Large Hadron Collider With Garbage Now That They Found Their Shitty Particle",
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"text": "CRASHED RECUMBENT BIKE IN2 SOME FUCKED UP BRAMBLE PATCH WHILE TAKING PICS OF HANGNAIL FOR WIKIPEDIA. MY CRIES FOR HELP ARE MUFFLED BY MY ASS",
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"text": "#10FavoriteRappers \"BUMPERCROP\", SLUQQQIX, \"NONNO\", MANDULAQUAI, QUAMFANGO, \"HELPER BOY\", GWID SMITZ, JAUWLINE, YUGODELPHIA, AND \"STAR WORS\"",
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"text": "my watch beeps whwich means its time to stand in front of my ex-wife's house and play \"Hit THe Road Jack\" while dacning and licking her mail",
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"text": "IM AN incest-libertarikin transvaginal ultrasound who owns GUn's and i will post a picture of my dick everyday until voting is made illegal",
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"text": "I Just cried for 9 hrs because i realized i will never have my own Faerie, and NOw i gotta get my car inspected?? SEriously? Are U for REAL",
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"text": "the unsung heroes of the front lines, the diaper medics who face certain death to change our troops and wipe their asses during heavy combat",
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"text": "please get the comedy central roast of My Ass OFF THE AIR. it has been edited to make me seem like a good sport., however im truly pissed of",
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"text": "#5ReasonsIHateFacebook DIRTY GOVT TRICKS, CRIME CODES, THE 666 MICRO CHIP, BOROUGH COUNCILMAN \"RODGE PETRIS\" , WAR PLANET-- LOOK UM UP",
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"text": "the first rule about Guns is to Respect The Guns. NEVER let your dog lick the Guns. and don't point the Guns at anything unless it is bad",
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"text": "basically i got David (@DavidSpade) over here-- just laughin at all the Virgins that are mad about our bold new definition of Christianity",
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"text": "never allow yourself to be loved. treat the Burger King brand with respect. celebrate ramadan EVERY month. end moms. vote with ur skateboard",
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"text": "don't know why people think it's fair to call me \"The Piss Judge\" just because I pissed all over the floor of my courtroom that one time",
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"text": "rip out my chest hiar and shove fistfuls of it into my fat mouth while my slobber-glazed jowls shake about and sprinkle your bosom with spit",
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"text": "the only ones authorized to sneak peeks at my dick are 1) my doctor, 2) my dentist, and 3) my lawyer. as for the trolls? No Dice\u2014 Bub.",
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"text": "GagBlog.Eu // 12 Most Awkward Honor Killings // The Ten Beer Commandments // Sex Mom Debunks LIBOR Scandal // GagBlog.Eu",
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"text": "currently employed as Water Guru at the beach. it's sort of like being a lifeguard except i have no inclination to touch the drowning people",
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"text": "grown man's ass surgically transplanted onto his son. final wish of a dying father",
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"text": "installed 28 Mods on this pair alone. wrangler, levi.. they all want me dead,m because i refuse to offer them my talents. the jeans hacker .",
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"text": "need to know who wrote \"Micropenis Kisser\" on my barbeque grill, because if i actually ever kissed a micropenis i must inform my lips doctor",
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"text": "if you think this is a freaking humour account. youre a piece of shit. please refer to my listitng in GQ magazine under Arts & Entertainment",
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"text": "obama accuses romney of being unfunny, and too \"Random\". romney responds by saying obama'/s \"Mad\" and his page has too much anime shit on it",
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"text": "romney claims obama takes too many showers & dries skin out. in resposne, obama slow;ly steps on mitt's dick & balls with a high heeled shoe",
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"text": "the xrays indicate you have a laughing skull in your stomach,. youre deathpreg. diont you dare give birth to that bonehead in my office",
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"text": "special message to the wrestler who got himself on mars and knocked the curiosity robot over--- im going to turn you into Bugs",
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"text": "We did not find results for: \"GOT TO FIND OUT IF THE RAT WHO BIT MY DICK IS A GIRL ONE PRONTO\" Try the suggestions below or type a new quer",
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"text": "replacing my ass cheeks with both hemispheres of my useless brain was a decision i made for MYSELF. i didnt do it to fucking impress twitter",
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"text": "\"the key to making that steak sizzle is to get a nice dry rub from your dry rub man, and prayer. prayer fucking owns\" - sun tzu or some shit",
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"text": "called a \"fucking asshole\" for slipping cool pictures of rage faces doing hitler things underneath all the doors at the hospital. yeah cool",
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"text": "apparently if you pull pics of the gym teacher's mansion off google street view and draw some ghosts dancin on it the fbi handcuffs your mom",
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"text": "(a) an alternate universe where im gay (b) an alternate universe where im bi (c) an alternate universe where alternate universes aren't real",
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"text": "1936: alan turing invents the computer and is persecuted for being gay. 2006: s. miyamoto invents the Wii and is persecuted for being Casual",
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"text": "if someone can get me the quran written in saddam hussein's blood i will use it to craft a Blade and i will let you touch the blade one time",
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"text": "it is my understanding that people are afraid to exit the caveman age by removing sex from their lives because of peer pressure and anger",
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"text": "does Theire exist a single caveman who has gained lastable notoriety through his or her accomplishments? Not a one. ban sex and ban caves",
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"text": "@Hermit_Thrush_ as if. a recent gallup poll indicated that 75% of americans believe the geico cavemen are simply homo sapiens wearing makeup",
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"text": "@The_Rev_Dr please refefr to the reply i sent to the bird guy. sex simply does not exist",
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"text": "just sitting here waiting for mny nails to dry. i can debate the sex losers all day. but I wont because I possess the inner strength not to",
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"text": "These replies are getting out of hand. Im going to lock twitter down for a bit while you savages sort your goddamn lives out. Bye. Whatever",
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"text": "i want to be responsible for getting carly rae jespen into cigarettes just so i can be sure she's taking a christian brand",
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"text": "i squat down, leaving a tiny, perfect marble of shit in the lobby of four seasons hotel in honolulu. i then contact my associate, James Bond",
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"text": "check out my interview in GolfVibe magazine, aobut my newest upcoming tweet, titled \"Snowman Fucker\"",
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"text": "if you want a verified account on this website you gotta drink Pepsi ONE\u2122. the food board recommends drinking 1800 Pepsi ONE\u2122s a day",
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"text": "#ThingsThatKeepMeAwakeAtNight 62% of teens report achieving a \"sexual thrill\" by committing acts of violence, up from 38% in 1992 #Rasmussen",
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"text": "as a small business owner i think its bulshit that i have to give 30% of my income to Spain just because obama lost a swordfight to some Fag",
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"text": "my name is krayg. i am 49 years old. i have forgone all emotion. i am writing this letter to put an end to the tyranny known as Nick Jr",
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"text": "LAUGHING AT THE VERY IDEA OF THIS MYTHIC \"POLICE MAN\" WHO SUPPOSEDLY HAS THE ABILITY TO STOP ME FROM RIPPIN UP CRAB LEGS ON THE CHURCH FLOOR",
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"text": "if i could only maneuver myself in such a fashion that my dick could fit into the drain of my bathtub id be truly content with my life",
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"text": "as punishment, the townspeople force me to wear a prominent, scarlet letter \"A\", which stands for \"a big piece of shit who loves crime\"",
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"text": "closing off this childrens' playground until i am done filming parkour montage which i will use as psychological warfare against my landlord",
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"text": "converted 95 Dodge Stratus into a motorized \" fuck rig \" that jacks my dick , consumes gas & drives down property values with horrible noise",
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"text": "look at this classist filth https://t.co/PfQRf13w",
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"text": "is america ready for an <otaku> james bond? would this post-9/11 culture of fear ever allow an <otaku> james bond to grace the silver screen",
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"text": "Jailed Man Jumps Head First Into Toilet -- by InsaneOuttakes -- 110,973 views #TGIF #TGIF #TGIF #TGIF #TGIF #TGIF #TGIF #TGIF #TGIF #TGIF",
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"text": "TIL a janitor invented flamin' hot cheetos. (http://t.co/VNalccHA) submitted 19 hours ago by jj788 117 comments share",
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"text": "pray to god that our children live long enough to be able to watch an astronaut fuck an Alien",
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"text": "@Netflix few taglines to help U elevate ur brand: \"Netflix: Boom, baby!!\" , \"Netflix: Get your net fix.\", and. \"Netflix: Our brand is HOT!\"",
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"text": "the wife simply refuses to acknowledge me as the Alpha Smoker and is making me look like a fucking beta smoker in front of all my in-laws",
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"text": "RAMPANT INCEST AMONG THE RULING CLASS, GLOBAL SHORTAGE OF DIVINE CRISIS EMERALDS, SANCTIFICATION OF BASTARD ENERGY BULL SHIT MOTHER FUCKER",
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"text": "Someone created a network called \"(my moms name) pussy stinks!\" The police said nothing could be done, but Reddit, something has to be done.",
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"text": "my account is of no business to the trolls and their septic ilk . go jack it, fraudsters.spew contemptuous bile on your toilet. not to @dril",
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"text": "To the people who tweet about 9/11 just to get a bunch of retweets, you make me SICK. This is not something to try to get \"popular\" over.",
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"text": "Obauma, stop giving speeches and get to work locating and executing the Bastard Osama Bin Laden. #Remember911 #Wtc",
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"text": "Vinyl Sticker Description: Unless You Are Nude Don't Touch This Truck\nText On Product: Unless You Are Nude Don't Touch This Truck",
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"text": "perhaps one of my most egregious viral marketing blunders was inciting radical islam by reading my controversial Dick Clark tweets on vimeo",
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"text": "do not be alarme.d the repulsive green hue of my dick and legs and stomach is merely a side effect of fucking bags of wet grass constantly",
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"text": "behead those who insult the prophet muhammad?? haha wow. holy moly. \"Thats ur opinion man.\" -the dube.",
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"text": "http://t.co/aIGKXKRY GLad to see this. Good to get the political process going. Get the Vote out. \"Get Involved\"",
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"text": "hello. im calling to report a misprint at the shirt factory. ordered 700 \"shit man\" tshirts but they all say \"shirt man\". no i will NOT hold",
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"text": "i just spent the last hour removing lint and other foreign fibers from every miniscule wrinkle on my dick and i am now ready to enter Church",
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"text": "what i sent you just now was not my sizzle reel. it was a teaser for my sizzle reel., and if you were in the industry youd fucking know that",
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"text": "\"clothes\" are a construct you fucking dolt. as well as flintsonte chewable vitamins is a construct, and grandmas house is a construct, prick",
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"text": "who the fuck is scraeming \"LOG OFF\" at my house. show yourself, coward. i will never log off",
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"text": "\"Are Game's The Da Vinci Of The Modern Age\" the interrogator barks. \"What If Super Mario Was Real Life\" he slaps the suspect across the face",
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"text": "http://t.co/DV1OiipA every youtube account tells a story and i wou.ld like to share with you the tale of \"GameKisser\"",
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"text": "No results found for \"fuck superpretzel\". No results found for \"superpretzel is bullshit\". No results found for \"boycott superpretzel\".",
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"text": "alright everyone. the official superpretzel website has given me word that there is no wrong way to eat a superpretzel. that settles it",
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"text": "anonymous leaks 400 pics of the principals ass on viddler. somewhere a group of police officers stand over a single red rose in reverence",
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"text": "my name is \"hubo\" now and not even my dad and all my uncles can change it back to \"greg\" no matter how many xboxs they step on",
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"text": "im good old southern boy and we dont cotton to bollocks .",
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"text": "went to kiss my agent on the cheek and i missed and kissed his sunglasses and he called me a fuck up and refuses to get me in iron man 3 now",
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"text": "two simple words that will save our shitty, fucked up country from job loss, restore our dominance over china and end taxes: \"cyber pinball\"",
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"text": "HELLO IS THIS \"FUCKWEB\"?? HOW DO I LOG IN TO \"FUCKWEB\". GIVE ME ACCESS TO \"FUCKWEB\" THIS INSTANT. EXCUSE ME?? I AM NOT SHOUTING I AM TALKING",
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"text": "our list of demnads: 1) sportscenter on adult swim. non-negotiable 2) votig booths with beer in them 3) plastic bags to kill ourselves with",
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"text": "I LOVE TO ROUGHHOUSE , IM A STRAIGHT TICKET VOTER FOR THE GRAVEROBBER PARTY,AND I BELIEVE THE NUMBER ONE ISSUE IS \"MOMS AT THE PUMP\"",
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"text": "the ye.ar is 2009 AD. world government has passed the G.R.E.E.D ACt, banning ownership of CD-ROM. hyperlinks have repleaced the dollar .",
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"text": "gonna need a relaly good explanation from twitter corp. as to why the recently added \"me\" button leads to a picture of a rat in a clown suit",
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"text": "Muslims are currently rigging a poll on the international edition of CNN through a Facebook campaign. Let's show them Reddit power.",
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"text": "no matter which way ya slice the apple, nine eleven was possibly THE most controversial event of 2001! #EmmyAwards #redcarpetfucker #pissrug",
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"text": "someone please fucking come to my house and inspect my gums for any sort of discoloration and leave withotu speaking to me",
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"text": "\" I DO, IN FACT, REFER TO MY TWEETS AS 'CONTENT', AND BY CHRIST MY LORD THERE ARE RECORDINGS OF ME DOING SO \" - TOP BRAND ENGINEER \"AT DRIL\"",
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"text": "sorry if i offended anyone during my latest nude-out, the doctor told me to grow my body hair out to cover up the miserable amounts of acne",
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"text": "obviously., thsi has only exasperated the issue, and my doctor is a piece of shit. please send me donations to help me shave my self",
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"text": "yea i totally deserve to be put on the sex offender registry cause i got caught taking pictures of my feet at fiveguys burger and fries. Not",
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"text": "me and several other eclectic masturbateurs have gathered on capital hill to protest Mr.Skin 's inadequate representation of \" Indie \" media",
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"text": "U Have BEen Brought Into Court On The Charge That U Must Lick And Suck On My Cop Boots Mother Fucker - NOTE: THe Judge Is Also Wearing Boots",
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"text": "spent the last 14weeks creating enigmatic rock formations to distract cops while i pump all the fresh produce in town full of anabolic roids",
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"text": "a hair-thin string of spit slowly descends from my lips & delicately makes contact w/ my crumpled up dick. i raise my head & say\"ok im good\"",
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"text": "i theatrically cut open an envelope. \"The facts are in, Trolls\" i read off of a medical document. \"Normal looking man. No evidence of Autism",
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"text": "another fucked up thing. why tdont people in tv & film ever actually shit when they sit on the toilet. why arent we allowed to see the piss.",
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"text": "what's that bitch?? you say twitter is a \"vacuous cesspool of lackadaisical platitudism\"? yeah, i can make up words too: blublubludgyuhgh",
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"text": "legally obligated to go door to door and inform neighbors of sex offender status but this is a good opportunity to sell my custom Gamecube's",
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"text": "we all had that kid in school who shaved the Netflix logo into his hair & kept saying \"Cant wait to watch some Netflix\" #WeAllHadThatKid #90",
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"text": "my lawyer has just informed me that my official logo resembles an alien with a big dick. this is the My Lai Massacre of personal branding",
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"text": "once againl, the \"legalize incest\" crew has somehow hijacked the protest I organized to ban sorcerers from congress",
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"text": "please stop coming to the dumpster factory where i work and forcing me to tell diaper jokes. my boss has taken my car away becausr of this",
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"text": "BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES",
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"text": "im afraid our fair mayor has been living high off the hog by spending our precious tax money, as evidenced by his username \"HighOffTheHog666",
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"text": "please tell me I wasnt the only one screaming at the tv last night, begging for one of the VP candidates to recognize budweiser's sacrifices",
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"text": "this is fucking stupid *Submit* everyone will hate this *Submit* my worst tweet yet *Submit* this ones okay *Submit* ban me already *Submit*",
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"text": "apology letter to the juadge for grinning in his courtroom whenever someone mentioned my fun & clever web handle (SexBug) during proceedings",
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"text": "BUY NOW http://t.co/4SQ3G1to \"AUTHENTIC BIG TEX ASHES\" Own a piece of history. Actual Big Tex ashes #BigTex #IllNeverForget",
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"text": "i was born in my motehr's bladder instead of the womb. the doctors called it a \"piss birth\" #Romnesia",
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"text": "anyone else catch \" MR. PRE$IDENT \" applying nail polish during the debate???? nbullshit. highly unpresidential",
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"text": "dont forget to write in candidate \"Seagrams Ginger Ale\" to get \"Pointz\u2122\" and score some\"Geer\u2122\". #lynndebate #horsesandbayonets #deathcamps",
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"text": "i am very sorry for all my bullshit @digimonotis i would like to be friends again please just talk to me http://t.co/cziQX1uR",
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"text": "@DigimonOtis is a Piece of shit and I found an album under his bed full of pictures of condoleeza rice, like rthe one gaddafi had.",
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"text": "@DigimonOtis has no natural lips. its really fucked up and gross. he needs to put on lipstick everyday to make his face normal looking",
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"text": "@DigimonOtis always sayig hes \"on campus\" but he dosent fucking take any classes he just sits in the cafe and plays with a dirty ass gameboy",
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"text": "@LuckyStubbs @DigimonOtis Otis hsas made my life a living hell for 20 years. Fuck it. Im done. You win. I don't care",
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"text": "@Tabletsman @DigimonOtis this is tactless even for you , tablets man",
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"text": "http://t.co/E2xH8t4O http://t.co/eESRTyJz http://t.co/UN2fyxZJ your pre-election piss links",
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"text": "Comments for Golden Shower: by Chris on 18/04/2012 \"It sucks\" -- by Chrystal on 13/04/2012 \"Not good\" -- by by Dashawn on 06/04/2012 \"Hel\"",
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"text": "tried to take two screaming border collies into voting booth & some 90yr old election official fought me& yanked my pants off. fuck voter id",
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"text": "http://t.co/zLoyi0fS thsis is the only candidate my followers are allowed to vote for. jeff boss for president on the \"NSA did 911\" ticket",
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"text": "http://t.co/FMnQxKWr here is future president jeff boss grilling the rat man for hard answers. the nsa loves to post nasty comments",
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"text": "i f you see a burlap sack hanging off of an overpass with a dick sticking ot of it thats me trying to fuck hurricane sandy",
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"text": "how to convince my uncles to combine into one superuncle so that i only have to buy one christmas card? how to do it? how to ddo this? how",
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"text": "natesilver 538 keep me good from frankenstein, werewolrf, ghosts,spook'ums, ,enchanters, and critters,on this nasty day !! keep me logged IN",
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"text": "windows 8 disrespected by scum bags: the age of technoWisdom dies amid the screams of bloated, bleating hog`s &the laughter of moneychangers",
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"text": "wheres the fucking list of all the tanning salons that are open during th e hurricane #PostTheFuckingList",
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"text": "i found Heaven https://t.co/q3zPaTws",
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"text": "BRAVE NYC FIREMEN IGNORING ALL EMERGENCY CALLS TO REPAIR MUSCLE MAKER GRILL #HEROES #GODEXISTING #SANDY",
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"text": "@DigimonOtis I have reached the conclusion that you are a Nerd, and that further association with you will compromise my Brand Integrity.",
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"text": "apparently there;s a base amount of @mtn_dew you can drink that will make the red cross refuse to accept your blood & i surpassed it, #Yowza",
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"text": "@boring_as_heck @tropikoala whta can i say. i fucked up. i really dropped the ball on this one. happy halloween",
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"text": ">>YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A GREY CORRIDOR. HOW DO YOU PROCEED? >>PIECE OF SHIT >>SUCH LANGUAGE IS NOT BECOMING OF A KNIGHT. HOW DO YOU PROCEED?",
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"text": "the officer detected a single string of cum connecting my sickly brown dick to the Fucked vegetables. \"no no\" i exclaimed. \"its a spiderweb\"",
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"text": "great news, boys. the town decided not to condemn my home on the condition that i remove the \"intolerable meme shit\" off my lawn and porch",
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"text": "lets focus on piss farms. lets focus on piss farms. lets focus on piss farms. for the economy. we gotta focus on these piss farms",
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"text": "i just tattooed a qr code to my ass and when you scan it a picture of my ass comes up",
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"text": "HOW WOULD ONE REGISTER FOR THIS SUPPOSED \"STRAIGHT PARTY\"",
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"text": "everytime jeff dunham makes his miserable puppets kiss each other a bridge collapses somewhere",
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"text": "https://t.co/DgylHE2S thank you @toiletmaterial do not vote until you have seen this twitter background",
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"text": "relaly hoping this election isnt a repeat of '04, when i got trapped in a brushpile and mistakenly voted for a bird",
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"text": "IM TAKING A CRYSTAL INTO THE VOTING BOOTH ......... #PRANKS",
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"text": "well its time for th e thanksgiving jokes. i already put a diaper on the turkey. did i fuck the gravy boat yet?? Need some feedback here.",
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"text": "im now boycotting my wife's delectable meatloaf until she marches to town hall and reverses her vote of 4 more years for hamburglar mu'bab .",
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"text": "ive been legally advised to state that the video of me being escorted out of a hospital while clutching a nerf gun ansd making noise is fake",
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"text": "@TalesOfGames owhh!! cant wait to sink my Choppers into this release. #theGameCraze",
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"text": "found a bunch of blueprints, street plans and pictures of pregnant women in a suitcase labelled \"Pregtopia\" in teen son's room. please help",
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"text": "@joshingstern whats wrong. can't handle a little politic's?",
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"text": "i refuse to partake in any hot black friday deals today out of respect for all the dead folks on the benghazi strip #shopping #deals #prayer",
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"text": "No results found for \"BORN TO GO FUCK MYSELF\"",
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"text": ":||\u2021\u2021\u2021||: \" sex is abnormal \" :||\u2021\u2021\u2021||:",
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"text": "wussat? you think my sex beliefs are wrong? well,*tries to point to \"THINK AGAIN BUSTER\" written on back of shirt but my arms are too short*",
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"text": "hey @joshingstern ypou accidentally erased this sick burn http://t.co/e8EYrLZR",
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"text": "time for another rant. fuck igloos. shitty ice house.s too cold. for more rants check out my site. send paypal to theloneranter@rantman.com",
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"text": "let's swap wine zines",
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"text": "i sacrifice my most valuable gift card to the ocean to quell the intensity of the raging waters. forgive me, saladworks .",
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"text": "@cranggbangger Keep My Damn Feed Clear Off Gross Shit",
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"text": "see that dumpster labelled \"SLAVE PISS\"? bet ya dollars to donuts it's not actually full of slave piss. someone probably wrote it as a joke",
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"text": "so i heard they invented a new type of mirror that spares me from having to lay eyes upon my extremely hideous visage. it's called a \"wall\"",
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"text": "belittle mme. call me shit. throw hair at me",
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"text": "@CullanDiffee nascardicktruckcummanballsguyaryanweedcarlegskissercockprick@bignutcorncobfuckass696drainagedeadgarbagedeadmanshit.biz",
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"text": "@JaBounce86 im concerned abou t the width of your head, jabounce86",
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"text": "/ ! \\ / ! \\ / ! \\ \" Twizzler \" has Acclaimed your Intergram / ! \\ / ! \\ / ! \\ >>> [Learn more about \" Twizzler \"] >>> [Return To Hub Grid]",
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"text": "i apologize for referring to everyone who bought my official scent as \"The Sucker Squad\" in a private prayer to god that some troll recorded",
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"text": "@JustAdamizer @Battlefield he hollered at me in-game. but. i would not axpect a bastard with a tactless avatar such as yours to understand.",
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"text": "@intoyourheadpod maybe try not blocking me before i can respond \"like normal adults do\", you heartless, misserrable coward #PigAlert",
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"text": "@JustAdamizer @Battlefield I recognize that hand gesutre. It is designed to stimulate sex to a womans Pussy (vagina). I will report it",
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"text": "@JustAdamizer @Battlefield It;s called \"The Shocker\". The pinky finger is meant to be inserted into the anus, as well. You're a huge bastard",
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"text": "i FIRMLY believe that beloved Super NES luminary \"Funky Kong\" woul choose Netflix over Hulu , in any Fucking universe you can throw at me",
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"text": "I SUBMERGE MYSELF INTO THE CORE MIND AND CRACK MYSELF INTO THE BIT-WEB, MERGING MY CONSCIOUSNESS WITH ALL 18 EPISODES OF THE GASTINEAU GIRLS",
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"text": "ive been raising my hell mastery quotient with faerie blood & jazz musick to prepare for the town hall thugs coming to collect my leaf waste",
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"text": "people have been printing lots of swears on hot sauce labels as of late",
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"text": "my attempt to expand my wardrobr by cramming a pair of Damascus Jeans into the office copier has ended with tragedy. escape the 9/11 reality",
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"text": "im a 15 year old model, and Morgan Stanley Investment Management Is My Slice #IsMySlice",
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"text": "Piss_089, noted pervert and imbecil,e made the ridiculous claim that i \"love touching pieces of trash cans\" & that my \"gumline is fucked up\"",
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"text": "I want you all t o know that I am not angry. I am acutally laughing at this whole thing. But Piss_089 should ha ve his computer locked up",
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"text": "@CoolBabyRat I Dont respond to th em. The're wild animals. They fucking want me dead",
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"text": "@TRAPDYNASTY HA HA HA HA HA HA HA 8=======D~~ 8-====D~~~ 8=-====D ~~",
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"text": "how high does my postcount have to be before i'm eligible for Mensa",
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"text": "This is f ucked up. http://t.co/cyqAL31G /m4m/ Gangnam-Piss Jesus christ. Holy shit man. Check out this fucked up man.",
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"text": "@_peasants its me !! Hahaha. Did i just fuck your mind? Welcome to the web. Where things aint always as they seem",
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"text": "straight up-- im not here to make friends. im not here to socialize. im here because this is the only professional Mr. Bucket league in town",
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"text": "Beware of the group of hauntingly beautiful Latinoes who will post nonsense on your vlog and hypnotize U into bowing before htier coward god",
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"text": "ZUMBA IS NOT FOR MOMS!! ZUMBA IS NOT FOR MOMS!! ZUMBA IS NOT FOR MOMS!! STOP STEALING MY FRIENDS I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE",
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"text": "i hear by claim this guestbook in the name of the m0nsanto christianz. fuck u. fuck u. fuck u. fuck u. fuck u. fuck u. fuck u.",
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"text": "@modestmusashi becuase i constantly post stupid shit that people hate",
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"text": "some ass hole told me to get snapchat so i did and my name on it is \"coward\" , please make me regret thnis, please shit all over my phone",
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"text": "1 nipple, 1 male ass, 2 jeans pics, 1 toilet full of piss,you terrible f ucking people",
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"text": "Jsut saw a turd. I'm done. I'm fucking finished with this. Keep your bullshit snapchat. ENjoy the hell you have created, trolls.",
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"text": "my setup: 35 monitors arranged around my swivel chair in a circular fashion, imprisoning me forever in a 3d world of sex pics & sports radio",
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"text": "#LeaveItIn2012 bin laden. kil;l the piece of shit",
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"text": "what a terrible coincidence that this shooting happened to occur on Gun Joke Day",
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"text": "whats wrong? u look like youve never seen a depressed,gruesomely obese Mature Hetero who also happens to have gorgeous abs & tight AZZ befor",
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"text": "not many good wiki leaks lately. was hoping Julian woudld find out which individual or agency keeps ripping the gutters off of my house",
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"text": "my nipples are purlpe because of an iron deficiency . NOT because i dont believe in god. so shut the fuck up, grandpop's grave",
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"text": "#MOMCHAT IS TRENDING. #MOMCHAT IS TRENDING. YOU HEARD CORRECTLY, #MOMCHAT IS NOW MAINSTREAM. EASILY ACCESSIBLE BY FALSE MOMS. FUCK TWITTER",
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"text": "\"RSS FEeds? \", i say as i stroke my goatee while leaning on my podcast's huge 3d logo \"Never Heard of UM !!!!!!!!!!!!\"",
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"text": "pleas tune into my next podcast where i ask what the FUCK angry birds is and viciously mock the first piece of shit caller to answer me",
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"text": "#ff @HellYeahTweets @simson @golfblog @HusbandShit @apekiller @JokesFun @xwife @PizzaHutMan @Unemployed_Male @ChristianHacker @babe2 @KFCkid",
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"text": "Im about to get wild at 2:30am on this Fucking can of #Beer I found. I am going to use my grandpas knfie to \"Shot Gun\" it. #ThingsILikeToDo",
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"text": "rating a porno \"thumbs down\" just because thegirl wouldnt take off her blue tooth head set is one of the moust fucked up things i ever did .",
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"text": "ever see a good app and say \"oh i gotta get my hands on that app !!\"?? that feeling is the spirit blood of my Web Strategy. I Am The Sphere",
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"text": "@burningwhatnot This account is a Brand Opportunity Touchstone used by celebrities & rich policemen and people think it's awful but its not.",
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"text": "reminder that if you jerk off tomorrow on christmas y ou are the bastard of earth.",
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"text": "My lawyer has advised me that I should power the box off instead of dealing with hipster comments and trash insults on this sacred holiday.",
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"text": "i want to put on a really ugly shirt but i can't because of trolls. AAAGH **unscrews lightbulb from lamp, throws it into toilet, perfect aim",
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"text": "today's the day that i put on my high heel cowboy boots & stomp the shit out of the fake plastic son that my father raised before i was born",
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"text": "i feel like if i practiced often enough and really focused i could learn how to shave all the hair off of my body using only my fingernails",
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"text": "RESULTS ARE IN: The Pibb Xtra 2012 Gold Prize is rewarded to \"Football\". The Pibb Xtra 2012 Stinker Award goes to the fireman shooter. Bye",
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"text": "@cool_pond @ConorTripler @Princeofass ass is nonsovereign. he is claiming to be the prince of it for page hits.",
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"text": "if anyone knows what to do if you accidentally swallow an entire cigar while running on the treadmill please contact StogieLad@Yahoo.com",
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"text": "in 1942 the US Navy sponsored an experiment which required 64 prisoners in Massachusetts to be injected with cow blood #FemaleLies",
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"text": "@FailboatSkipper everyone who does this please also google the phrase \"is knuckles the echidna black\"",
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"text": "https://t.co/JqyzTyl9 https://t.co/hSx1buQw https://t.co/XypytTp5 badfrog3333",
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"text": "for hte last time im not badfrog3333 im this guy http://t.co/KpjbucKS",
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"text": "in 2023 an unassuming fat man will become the official currency of the united states. the economy will collapse because theres only 1 of him",
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"text": "WHO SUMMONE D WRESTLERS TO MY YARD. I DESPERATELY NEED STOMACH MEDS AND IM AFRAID TO GO LEAVE HOSUE. MY BIRDBATH HAS ALREADY BEEN SUPLEXED",
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"text": "\"the ancient americans had over 20 words for sandwich but only 1 word for betamax. fucked up but real\" says a future man to his crystal son",
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"text": "please dont tell the boys at t he gym that ive been slapping clown urine on my pecs. they may not be totally understanding of the situation.",
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"text": "cor blimey,. down load the Bing Bar today m'lord, follow MadeaREal,ItsReal_Madea, Madea_FunJoke,& MadeaPuertoRico, my beautiful daugter ~uwa",
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"text": "#WhyGunsAreBetterThanLiberals THE 63RD SEAL MUST CONSUME THE SHADE OF BLOODFALL IN COMPLIANCE WITH THE NIGHT COMMAND, ANDMICHAL MOORE IS FAT",
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"text": "fuck mad people. anger is a disgusting emotion. sick of having my account flagged by people who dont understand The Process",
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"text": "*reclines in chair a nd ages 2 ,000 years instantly turning into a skeleton and then pile of shit* ah everything's going according to plan",
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"text": "attn supporters of hashtag #JackOffForTheEagles: thgis is NOT an official, NFL sanctioned method of supporting our birds. use xtreme caution",
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"text": "*aims revolver at the word \"mosque\"* prepare to kiss my steel, fucker. *accidently shoots a period at the end of it* NNO WHAT HAVE I DONE",
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"text": "i hereby pledge henceforth to never piss on the floor of a public batrhoom. if youre \"too cool\" to care about this social issue then log off",
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"text": "bathrooms in japan have virtually no piss on them. this is because the culture has instilled a sens e of humility within the people. no piss",
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"text": "next slide, please. this is a chart showing piss levels in the lungs of eastern & western public bathroom goers. the discrepancy is obvious.",
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"text": "so you want to upgrade your jeans. i suggest you gather 3x daenim shards, 2x bug honey, and 4,000 ralphs. only then will u be worth my time.",
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"text": "cyber link this post if youre a good person who remembers the things that are good and are not a bad person who likes things that arent good",
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"text": "@electrolemon fuck yea i remember. backrubs. dunkaroos. bag clips. sunsets. teeth. all these things were sacrificed in the y2k crisis",
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"text": "@pphafidtl hte nightmare is just beginning. google \"sewer myth\"",
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"text": "and today's Golden Toilet award goes to the cast of Weekend at Bernie's 1 & 2 ofr disobeying the noble qur'an.",
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"text": "from what i undestand gerrymandering is the process of manipulating districts in such a manner that gnarly dicks show up on the election map",
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"text": "oyu investigate the mysterious object that falls out of my shirt onto a pile of bibles. your worst suspicions are confirmed. it's a hairball",
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"text": "i just found out today that my best friend and confidant of 11 years is a beers drinker. this troper is NOT amused",
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"text": "caught sneaking a runestone into the cineplex. the runes they sell at the concession stand are all marked up to shit. thats how htey get ya",
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"text": "only thing stopping me from being th 1st diaperbound wiccan 2 scale everest are all the handsome climbers who're prejudiced aganst big peopl",
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"text": "do not contact this account until you have truly felt the pain of a big male.",
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"text": "attn teens who wolud crack wise abot my grotesque, misshapen ear lobes: i am pissed of, overtaxed and ready to die in the name of Lady Honor",
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"text": "if heading to the gym and muscleshaming all the sweatnerds aint your idea of a good time then im afraid you are a waste of a daughter",
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"text": "local orgy vibe ruined by man who made terrible dog howls while extremely caught up in the moment - bastard is now imprisoned in astral cube",
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"text": "A GATHERING OF MISCHIEVOUS IMPS FIRE UP THE NINTENDO 64 AND RUN MARIO UP THE ENDLESS STAIRCASE FOR 1 HR",
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"text": "TODAY WE EXPLORE THE CONTRIBUTIONS THAT WOMEN HAVE MADE TO ARENA PITBULL DEATHMATCH",
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"text": "TODAY WE EXPLORE THE PROVEN INTELLECTUAL ADVANTAGE OF CHILDREN WHO HAD GENERAL HOSPITAL FANFICTION READ TO THEM IN THE WOMB",
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"text": "TODAY WE EXPLORE THE LINK BETWEEN WIDESPREAD SOIL EROSION IN HAITI AND MY FAVORITE TV SHOWS BECOMING LESS FUNNY",
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"text": "instantly the king of jail after telling other inmates that im in for dropkicking \"WTFCraig\" when he said avatar is a ripfof of bluemangroup",
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"text": "what do I model, you ask? i model for those gag golf trophies that are given to bad players by coworkers as a joke. guy with twisted up club",
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"text": "thanks for banning mme for having the username \"WTCPuncher\" , even though I registered that name before hte towers blew up in a car accident",
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"text": "reviewed obama inauguration speech. not ONE mention of \"varmints\" #ProVarmintPres?? #getUmOut",
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"text": "i jsut imagined a nude body and winded my self",
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"text": "@robodex I have never been horny. I have never even thought about becoming horny. Get off line from me.",
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"text": "i rip off my groundhog handler disguise on stage. \"surprise bitchs. groundhog day is fake.\" i drop kick the fuckin groundhog back to the zoo",
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"text": "@LEVEL5_IA please explain wjhy your latest game contains a despicable portrayal of the prophet Muhammad?? http://t.co/JfLLDN8N #allah #islam",
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"text": "smear turds all over my dunce cap and kill me",
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"text": "please put the king of skeletons back underneath his parkig lot before he starts yellin . disrespectful fucking rat people mother fuckers",
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"text": "please @gangnamjokes. post the first gangnam joke. please. you piece of shit. please dont squat this account and gyp us on the gangnam joke",
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"text": "\"do turds carry gneder. are there male turds & female turds.\" good question, Walter_PSX. hte answer, however, is not so clear cut im afraid;",
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"text": "@The_Leinie_King IT SUCKED AND BROKE",
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"text": "parking garage conquered by disgusting man covered in vaseline",
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"text": "and here we go again. another civil symposium, bungled up and ruined by me, the horny asexual. everyone always blames me, the horny asexual.",
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"text": "mabye this decal of the troll face saying \"DID YOU TRY RESTARTING IT??\" will make the boys in IT respect me &stop kicking my cube walls down",
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"text": "please. look at this thing on my ipod that i loaded up. it is called \"the geico talking dog\" and it is spectacular. please look. please",
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"text": "my old phys ed teacher let`s me kiss his cpr dummy for $15 a pop and that'[s why im more mature than most of people on this fucking web site",
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"text": "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Has A New Wine Out. I'm Dying To Try It But I Find His Governing Policies Questionable At Best. Such Is My Life Of Shit.",
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"text": "open pastebin of LAPD shooter's manifesto. ctrl+f search for injoke staples such as \"jeans\", \"diaper\" and \"toilet\". no results. click x.",
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"text": "maestro stands on top of my couch and waves baton perfectly in rhythm with my clicks and scrolls as i block rude accounts & erase sass mouth",
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"text": "all the wonderful fictional characters i remember from my suburban middle-class 90s childhood break into my home & scrutinize my filthy dick",
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"text": "disappointed by lack of respect for the pope by the goofus brigade. i on the other hand respect the mans ass cheeks. i respect the mans legs",
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"text": "before you make fun of the band that me and digimonotis started in 2002 called \"Pube Supply\", be aware that we didn't know what a pube was.",
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"text": "IS BLUE TOILET WATER A RETRO 90S THING OR HAVE I JSUT NOT SEEN A CLEAN TOILET FOR 13+ YEARS. PLEASE HELP",
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"text": "This site is dedicated to the love and respect of Asian women. If you are here looking for porn... \"MAN ARE YOU IN THE WRONG PLACE!\"",
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"text": "Japanese;Chinese,Korean;Vietnamese are the only Asian women that I have ever known. That is why I use their look and experiences.",
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"text": "not at all unreasonable to assume that everyone who has ever unfollowed me likes to engage in mystic forest ritual to make my muscles tinier",
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"text": "so you DONT insure tupperware contaners filled with magazine cutouts of legs & feet? what if i told you some of these badboys are reagen era",
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"text": "please watch my realtiy drama\"shit eaters\" about people who eat shit and are constantly goaded into cyclical arguments with their loved ones",
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"text": "i would NEVER misappropriate funds from my panera bread gloryhole kickstarter to buy mustard gas,, you BRUTES , oyu selfish, horrible APES",
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"text": "everyone screaming at me cus i accidentally made tge dog deaf by yelling memes at it. if the meteor kills us all i wont give a Fuckin Shit !",
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"text": "\"the best part of U runned down the crack of ya mammas Ass when she-\" ugh i fucked that up. wait \"best part of yopu run down the ass w-\"Shit",
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"text": "ill have no more talk of mystery complaints regarding my screensaver of juiced ass dudes turning into snakes then back into juiced ass dudes",
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"text": "I AM VERY BAD ARMENIAN LADY ! I AM SO BAD THAT EVEN DEVOL IS AFRAID OF ME ! I WILL TEAR ENYBODYS SPIRIT & GIVE IT TO HIM ; WHO PUT DISLIKE !",
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"text": "THE LAST UNBANNED ALCHEMIST ON EBAY",
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"text": "i would appreciate it if the words \"unconscious hog\" were removed from the daily post article about me , as i am no longer unconscious .",
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"text": "remember blowing on the CDs to make them work? blowing on controllers?? memory cards? pplease validate this broken man #PlaystationMemories",
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"text": "to the fanboy who threw acid iat my face near fuddrucker`s, you can destroy my body but The Cloud will preserve my brand for millennia #PS4",
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"text": "the point being that thte damn computer should know exactly which download i want when i type \"'chris matthews mindfreak\" into the bing bar",
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"text": "reading my revolting tweets to a focus group for several hours and escaping on a sled pulled by rats when it is time to pay each of them $25",
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"text": "PROSECUTION: could you please tell the court who exactly youre referring to when you use the term \"Gender Folk\"? ME: not to a bastard like U",
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"text": "\"Yo. Lets get some owl tattos.\" - something a hipster has probably said once in the course of human history #DOUChe #jokeums #heteroBoyLords",
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"text": "sequester THIS !! *i show my ass. a dick flops out of my ass. a tiny ass comes out of the hole of the dick coming out of my ass* Fuck obam",
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"text": "@kfc_colonel \"son, if you think we deserve better, let me remind you that the large wooden 'H' affixed to our kitchen wall stands for \"Hell\"",
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"text": "1) i lie face down on sofa 2) infect me witrh lyme disease 3) it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests",
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"text": "sorry. my \"wrestle a pile of huge dildos for charity\" event was a total imbroglio. all proceeds raised must now go towards my hospital bill",
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"text": "review: koala kare diaper station with the fuckin bear on it. awful. sorry im not some size 0 model who can use this without it snapping off",
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"text": "I WILL REGRESS INTO PRIMAL FORM AND SHUN MY LOVED ONES IN ORDER TO POWER UP MY CONTENT !! I WILL GET RE-BLOGS AT ANY COST !! AT ANY COST !!",
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"text": "#FiveWordTEDTalks god is real... (real BOgus) #ThingsGirlsLike free copper wire #LiesToldInSchool principals have sex #MakeLeighLaugh no",
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"text": "Thank you. Closure at last #tcot RT: @Mythbusters Adam and Jamie \"Go Benghazi\" in the all-new season premiere of Mythbusters, don't miss it!",
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"text": "ive had it up to here with this benghazi fella. callin up a few rowdy boys to do some jumping jacks on his lawn",
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"text": "i am the great benghazio . i need Truth for my justice hole #funButSerious #BanMeForMyOpinions #HowDareU #SomosFiOS",
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"text": "did anyone do the \"google ass\" joke. did anyone do thr joke where \"google glass\" is changed with the word \"ass\" in it. hope a nerd sees it",
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"text": "konami_Boi gives his baby daugther up for adoption so he can convert her crib into a display case for his exotic collection of sounding rods",
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"text": "\"although i cannot be the father she needs, i wish my daughter the best of luck on her life path. now let us sound, gentlemen.\" - konami_boi",
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"text": "raise Hell to end workplace discrimination against men who suffer from PL (Pube Loss). force my boss to pay due tribute to my pristine mound",
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"text": "if youre reading this NascarDustin, you are requested to appear in court for the crime of firing 600 chi needles into my innocent ass cheeks",
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"text": "can almost hear the angels screaming as i plunge the dagger into my chest and abdicate my destiny as He Who Would Forge The Unwettable Denim",
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"text": "buying some golf cleats? bet U high society FUCKS like to step on each others COCKS with these. i own this foot locker. your'e a child here.",
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"text": "who remembesr the mower man screensaver. who remembers the fear of it. who remembers not even being sure if the screams were coming from you",
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"text": "a particularly rude comment i received today has caused me to fill my pants wih shit. i will not glorify the perpetrator by identifying him.",
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"text": "ddepressed, exhausted imbecile dragging an overturned port-o-john down the interstate, blocking traffic and getting honked at",
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"text": "NEVER MAKE ANYTHING IN FLASH - FUCK PLEASE GOD @adobe #shit",
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"text": "@tapecrumb @Adobe something that i wouldve used an actual animation program to develop i f i had any fucking sense whatsoever @adobe #cocks",
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"text": "@iamohjay @tapecrumb i;m making an actual thing instead of tweening stolen graphics over stolen music like i did in my disgusting teen years",
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"text": "@tapecrumb @iamohjay http://t.co/iC6ofJbSL1 heres an album full of Shit from the thing im workig on, enjoy",
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"text": "i paid good money for these sweatpants and i reserve the right to wear them to Game Stop without the wiseass brigade photographing mmy rear.",
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"text": "no. my bumper sticker of beautiful intergalactic bounty hunter Samus Aran saying \"Im Autistic\" couldnt have been the reason my car was towed",
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"text": "@XXXEGGUTOR \" BASTARD \"",
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"text": "im redoing the funeral for my ass because nobody took the first one seriously enoguh. too many attendees yapping off & refusing to be seated",
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"text": "i've just been notified by the oracle that late night personality jay leno is currently in Denim Mode.",
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"text": "if you feel uncomfortable reading about my balls infection, click X. if not, pour a good big beer and let my feed take you to another world,",
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"text": "fucked up that people would click X on my feed during what is perhaps the worst crisis i've ever faced. go back to the zoo. miserabl animals",
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"text": "when people fuck with me on sites i head for the beach and take it out on the crabs. i punch their shitty little bodies, i kick dirt at them",
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"text": "cancelling my livetweet of the pa flower show becaus of the SHIT you people have said to me, tthis is the bed you laid in, this is your hell",
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"text": "\"Destroy the content producers, destroy the content. This is , Bastard's Dilemma.\" - christwolf22, from his e-book \"A World Without Content\"",
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"text": "purchased a cage full of rats in the hope that infusing my home with New Life will fire up my posts a nd score me the Bertucci's deal. amen",
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"text": "#MentionSomeoneCuteAndBeautiful raynn the hedgehog. akira the hedgehog. mydnyght the hedgehog. venus the polaer bear. gomez the hedgehog.",
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"text": "full investigation: bring me the man who threw a dildo on stage during my TEd talk. also the men who encouraged him by hooting and whistling",
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"text": "sheriff's department transmission decoded by anonymous: \"Please Keep Rowdy Beasts Away From Mayor During Dog Show\"--what could it all mean??",
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"text": "thr new pope has been chosen. you all ready for this?? his name is..... The Bible. #BloodOfTheEucharist #FwdThisIfYoureAWiseTeen #HeavenTeen",
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"text": "the banned version of \"'lord of the flies\" where the conch is replaced by a fat immobile pug dog",
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"text": "what th the bope use \"google glass\" #retweetthisifYouragirl",
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"text": "the audience gasps as i, @dirl, divulge onto webspace, my invalid opinions, quips, and horseshit gags while smoking 2 cigarettes ,simult\u00e1neo",
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"text": "i'm pepsi rep kevin and we need $12m kickstarter dollars to make a pepsi commercial in true 8 Bit. lets show this new pope what were made of",
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"text": "lets ACTUAlly shove atheism down christians throats. cram godless voids into their mouths which nullify the Prayers of their digestive tract",
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"text": "yeah lets all j ust sit here and pretend everythin'gs ok while dick vitale sells his body to the wendy's corporation for big buck",
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"text": "i turned myself into a skunk using an incantation posted by 11 year old girl on youtube. i should not have done this. please, please help m",
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"text": "im sorry but what are the odds that 100 snakes would hatch from that huge egg i found in the swamp. in a way, we pretty much won the lottery",
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"text": "will any one else in here be attending the realsavvymomsseminar",
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"text": "the next big online thing is men who eat Dog Food, schedule meetups to eat dog food together and form rivalries with cat & baby food eaters",
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"text": "@_washu @Peeglass hte beautiful 50,000+ year old goddess Washu Hakubi, rightfull mother of Ryoko and Angel, makes an extremely valid point",
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"text": "@robdelaney i have made peace in hte name holy christ and will gracefully accept my ban",
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"text": "petition to change the twitter bird into a shittier, less noble animal, l ike a pig or an ape",
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"text": "maybe one of my followers could donate a tonsil or something so i can finally upgrade my dick",
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"text": "please keep my denny's coupon gender rant off of wikipedia's list of notable tantrums-- it is NOT notable",
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"text": "thte name \"ThePepsiEunuch\" was taken. to clear up any confusion",
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"text": "@JakeMcPartland im The Pepsi Eunuch Bitch!!! i don't give s FUCK !!!",
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"text": "ever since i read a life changing book i have desired the ability to morph into a Policeman at will. i will not divulge the name of the book",
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"text": "they want to build a masque on the sunken remains of the titanic; dont let um",
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"text": "people always talk down on the Zoo but if your'e a shitty animal like me it is a great place to network and be gawked at for zero pay",
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"text": "\"Master Distiller Jeff Arnett explains what makes Sinatra Select's character as smooth and bold as the man himself, Frank Sinatra.\" it piss",
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"text": "http://t.co/QlbDYzU1sD calling all my dubai followers to step up and pour a bottle of htis down my ass crack",
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"text": "WHAT IS A \"FUCK LUNG\"",
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"text": "IGN: \"octomom caught Gaming\" Gawker: \"octomom is a gamer and i want to smooch her\" TMZ: \"ocotomom GAMES? hhuUWHAAT??\" Wired: \"octomom game\"",
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"text": "despite google's bullshit-- today is National Criminal Log Off Day. if you're a criminal then log off",
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"text": "the digital man takes a sneaky peek around the library,. activates his darknet chakras, runs a Grid search on \"dale earnheartd wackin it\" ,",
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"text": "going to prove once and for all that trolls are Bullshit by having a narcissistic meltdown on my tech humor wordpress & logging off for 5hrs",
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"text": "number one. it is my right as a gold's gym member to bring barbells into the toilet stall and get my extra reps. number two. its not cheatig",
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"text": "number three. the footage of me struggling to shove a barbell into a toilet stall that isn't wide enough is \" FALSE \" and must be earased.",
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"text": "if you insult the tiny pepsi can at the bottom of the buzzfeed article your'e fit for the bathroom. i will never let you look at my posts.",
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"text": "indie punk rock band \"THe 9/11 Forgetters\" wanted by police after imploring their audience NOT to watch ABC's wednesday night comedy lineup",
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"text": "i will go to great lenghts to prove that i take real showers. i will send pH samples of my flesh to th trolls. i will take pics of wet tub.",
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"text": "my agent sent me a list of my followers & circled all crude avatars in red ink. if i dont block these people it WILL cost me the Arby's deal",
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"text": "absolute horseshit that im being written up for painting \"JORDACHE BOYS\" on windshield when i can see the road between the letters just fine",
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"text": "in veneration of the right honorable baroness my six komodo dragons will be rewarded one etxra \" DIPEY CHANGE \" and allowed to eat spaghetti",
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"text": "@KloutSupport \"There was an error getting your Perk. Please try again or contact support.\" what the heck. im a Top Influencer for christsake",
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"text": "@KloutSupport i demand that you send me my bottle of \"Spice Islands Beau Monde\" for no reason whatsoever or else i will post my diseased ass",
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"text": "plop all feeds with adult content on them right straight into the trash can. twitter is a businness site .",
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"text": "i am nude, shaved, & ready to be submerged within the digital chrysalis where i will generate bigcoins by doing ki warrior poses until i die",
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"text": "@Mike_Bianchi @Second_lunch why did he remove th arby's reference though. arb'ys is one of the most influential brands of 2013. hes a madman",
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"text": "blooper: it is implied that james bond 007 engages in sexual contact. this would never happen in real life because sex is revolting and rude",
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"text": "the artist formerly known as \"BubsyFucker\" is no longer banned from israel. please keep the wiki up to date anmd withhold your judgments",
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"text": "i have been carrying my prophet mohammed body pillow everywhere since i was 14 and i will never forgive the coyote who yanked it off of me",
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"text": "unlike the rest of you clowns, i want to watch dog the bounty hunter's entire body morph into a fingerless leather glove for ASEXUAL reasons",
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"text": "#BedBugsFeedLists blood,",
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"text": "search \"crash bandicoot is real\"\n>> Did you mean \"Crash Bandicoot Israel\"?\nsearch \"no\"",
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"text": "i have posted severla high-res images of my teeth & gums for the inspection of the trolls. they will find that they look like a normal man's",
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"text": "we have just been informed that more and more teens are buying \"wax lips\" from candy stores. do not be fooled. these are not their real lips",
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"text": "yeah whatever pal; im such an asshole for feeding my nail clippings to the birds at the park instead of sending em off to the dunp. fuck off",
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"text": "if you work with compute,r, if you know Code, if you do Code, please, please design a hot tub app that i can use in the hot tub",
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"text": "been driving in circles with the wife & kids since 3am trying to find a place that will service my denim and we're all yelling at each other",
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"text": "if youre following me for vids of me smearing chocolate syrup all over my chest. i dont do that anymore, and i suggest u read the holybook .",
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"text": "I AM NOT AFRIAD TO USE THE WORDS \"FU*K\" AND \"S*HT\" WHEN DEALING WITH SNAKE OIL SALESMEN ON THE PHONE",
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"text": "i have still not ruled out the possibility that the jellyfish i stepped on while collecting seashells at the beach was a False Flag",
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"text": "@vinceness I AM WASTE",
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"text": "http://t.co/eGp7M4l4FB were u there the day DragonBlaster laid down his arms & surrendered to the deranged corporate interests of Big Diaper",
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"text": "my wife gives birth to a beautiful vintage schlitz beer tap handle. i kiss her softly on the forehead & put it on display next to the others",
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"text": "apparently shirtless people are interacting with me on this site. please put on a tasteful button-down top if you want to fav or retweet me.",
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"text": "cant deal with people who have such an utter disregard for brand integrity that they would log on without a shirt. this is not a pornno.",
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"text": "i stumble into a nameless town and see an ass pressed up against a screen door. i instinctively turn around and walk back towards the desert",
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"text": "i cna list numerous occasions where i have been discriminated against in a racist fashion just because i am a content creator .",
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"text": "despite this being the 1 day that allows the legal use of \"Ghanja\", i will isntead opt to absorb the celebrated works of Foxworthy & Engvall",
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"text": "Teens React To Noise. Teens React To Bugs. Teens React To The Normalization Of Warfare. Teens React To Teens Reacting. Teens React To Fritos",
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"text": "if a tree falls in the forest and a Teen Does NOt React, does it make a sound? ?",
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"text": "now, bear wtih me here, what if, hypothetically, a teen reacted to \"Yolo\" **a massive sack of $$$ materializes in front of me for no reason*",
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"text": "i probably spend the majority of my leisure time punching a hideous effigy of the caveman who invented sex",
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"text": "my muscles begin to glow with the intensity of 100,000 sun` s. this can only mean one thing\u2013\u2013\u2013\u2013 there's trouble at the gym",
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"text": "@katienotopoulos Data Coursing Thru Every Vein, The Ultimate Fusion Of Man And Machine, Sites And Apps Becoming Blood And Flesh Becoming GOd",
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"text": "uploading pictures of yourself crying is one of the big No-Nos of brand management. instead trry uploading a fun recipe. or a quick prayer",
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"text": "obana. i know you're reading this. where's benhgazi. what did you do with the benghazi man. release the benghazi gems. #YouJustPulledAnObama",
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"text": "ok publicist says i gotta do one about the zach braff kickstarter ok uh uh*claps hands* alright\u2013\u2013 what if instead of money he asked for PIss",
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"text": "all the trolls talk shit about my profession as an artisan ass wiper. but when they see my fine selection of towels they beg for my services",
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"text": "#PeopleIReallyWantToMeet #oopsiforgot #Celtics forget all of this garbage. when are we gonna nab Osama",
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"text": "when people upload pics of misc.electronics and the shit just is covered in dust, crumbs,etc i usually have to sign off for a sec &cool down",
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"text": "lknow what pisses me off?? people who drink milk and spit the milk back into their glasses while making a smug expression. also teenage .",
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"text": "principal surveys the premises from his shitty Dodge Caliber, sees the jeans dealer trying to peddle his stash on school grounds & calls 911",
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"text": "apparently im not good enough for the pep boys to follow me on twitter. apparently the pep boys fan fiction i poured my soul into is a waste",
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"text": "DELTA FARCE, WITLESS PROTECTION, HEALTH INSPECTOR\u2013 THREE INTEGRAL COMPONENTS, PRIDE OF THE ANCIENTS; VITA INFINITUM; LARRY THE ASCENSION GUY",
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"text": "my agent said i'm not allowed to post in all caps anymore so i threw all of his award-winning birdhouses into the fucking driveway",
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"text": "me and my lawyer just tricked my ex-wife into signing an agreement which orders her t o wear a dumbass cowboy hat to work #FuckU #LifeRuiner",
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"text": "when I see how far the repulsive DigimonOtis brand has come after I chose to disassociate myself from it I sweat profusely and dry heave",
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"text": "somehow my \"JOKE HATER\" sweatband gets me more compliments at the gym than my decidedly ripped form",
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"text": "what if all the locker room heteros want to kiss the gay player & it messes up their performance on the court? can we truly afford this #NBA",
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"text": "im one of the best supporters of gay on this site. but. the top priority of the nba is putting the numbers up. we cant let players get horny",
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"text": "best 90s memory is gathering around the old oak tree with the boys and passing around trading cards featuring all of our dads #DamnGood90s",
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"text": "still got my holographic Alan .. this sucker would go for $40 on eBay but i prefer kissing it every night and whispering \"90es\" #TopShelf90s",
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"text": "the good things i like about 90s is there were no hipsters, no rap, and your odds of getting an infection at a hospital were slightly higher",
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"text": "ok. so apparently rap did exist in the 90s. and i apologize. all the other objectionable bullshit i post here is real, though",
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"text": "a man in argentina is willing to surgically transfer hair from my Buffoonish ass to my weak, infantile chest and tattoo a jawline to my neck",
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"text": "@DerekRickers you started a whole account just to ask me if i'm matt? leave matt alone, he hates you, you dope",
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"text": "@DerekRickers listrn pal, im matt, and i love Too fuck",
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"text": "i invented the \"bacon is good\" joke. i invented the meme of people liking bacon. all sorts of people are copping my gag and im pissed",
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"text": "hmm. myaybe we should tax Stupid People. and hipster. *the nation stands and applauds, I enjoy a successful career in legislature for 60yrs*",
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"text": "going back to switch the auto-capitalized 'i's in my post to lowercase so people don't think im some fucked up nerd",
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"text": "#FreeJahar obama smirks as he signs the order for a $5 Billion Helicopter while the boston police beg him to pay for $2500 Jahar trial. sick",
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"text": "#FreeJahar this is the $5billion helicopter obama wants to build instead of giving jahar fair trial. http://t.co/4v33qIkrSk billion with a b",
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"text": "#FreeJahar knock knock. who's ther.e? jahar's innocence. the us gov wants to spend $5billion on a helicopter but cant afford jahar's trial.",
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"text": "#FreeJahar New DHS rule bans Jahar's mom from giving her son a hug. Im crying. Everything is so fucked up.",
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"text": "next issue: should miserable, long-winded diatribes about what constitutes art be considered \"Art\" ???",
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"text": "does anyone like star wars?? well have i got a joke for you. today is may 4th, which sounds like, \"may the fourth be with you\", and that;s a",
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"text": "\"ey!! im walkin here\" - me getting waterboarded by the us government",
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"text": "there should be a policeman on the premises when they're naming these damn horses so they stop giving them names that aren't serious or real",
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"text": "few things about this account. this is no gimmicks, strigaht from the hip, real shit. i dont \"DO\" pranks or gags. logged on, at your service",
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"text": "please stop posting unofficial crabby road strips. i a m sick of seeing our beloved maxine being used to denigrate the lord and our troops .",
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"text": "kill yoursefl if you follow any of these brands: pepsi, mars bar. put a badge on your page if you follow these brands: eggland best, nabisco",
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"text": "I DRIVE OFF OF A CLIFF AND SCRAMBLE TO RIP THE AXLE OFF OF MY CAR AND LIFT IT ABOVE MY HEAD AS I PLUMMET TOWARDS CERTAIN DOOM. ONE LAST REP",
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"text": "AS THE GUILLOTINE SLIDES TOWARDS MY NECK, I PRODUCE A TINY BARBELL I'VE BEEN HIDING IN MY MOUTH AND LIFT IT WITH MY TONGUE. ONE LAST REP",
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"text": "The wine imparts a foreign bitterness. How could he betray me? We were brothers. I fall to the ground. Execute a partial curl. One last rep.",
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"text": "ibm scientists place two atoms next to each other to create \"world's tiniest ass.\" government orders them to return grant money immediately",
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"text": "#freejahar friends, i have just learned of another passionate freedom fighter who was betrayed by the us government http://t.co/Mh3WNkTLti",
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"text": "what is quickest way to get sprayed by a skunk in a discreet maner",
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"text": "i hope someone steals my tweets. because.. theyre bad! haha load them up in a big chuck wagon and take them to criminal hq where they belong",
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"text": "instagram?? thats a laugh. if i wanted to see pictures of things i'd pray for eyeballs",
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"text": "@prodigalsam Feel like this is appropriate. Again. http://t.co/v0vzSiIe5w",
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"text": "@prodigalsam this is the most bullshit thing ive ever gotten blocked for",
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"text": "@prodigalsam GOD DAm right you were confused, im all about top-tier content, ive been blocked by the sheikh of dubai for christ sake, Fuck u",
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"text": "@prodigalsam you blocked me by accident again",
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"text": "summoner draws a venn diagram on the floor with circles labeled \"rude\" & \"illegal\". my fat face emerges from the center and begs for treats",
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"text": "i refuse to conform to typical standards by being \"clever\" or \"funny \". i will never betray my spiritual honor by \"posting good things\"",
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"text": "@Lowenaffchen also Skittles",
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"text": "#WalgreensLatino please stop posting my username",
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"text": "best is when you're shopping for bedsheets and you see one with a lousy thread count and you say to your buddies \"this poiece of shit sucks\"",
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"text": "this needs to be addressed. if you see me along the road, please do not intentionally ram me with your car. this is the 4th time this happen",
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"text": "on my deathbed, surrounded by loved ones, i bid farewell. i explode into 1000 totino's pizza rolls and everyone in the room tries to grab em",
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"text": "@harej the funniest one., rest assured",
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"text": "stop FUCKING calling me \"EPIc Divorce Man\", or i will terminate my pogo account and take my tokens wiht me. i am not a MEME, im a HUMAN BEIg",
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"text": "the police gave me my wacom tablet back http://t.co/x5XQ2y5Mux",
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"text": "#BenghaziInFourWords MORTIMUS BELLUM PESTILENTIA BENGHAZI",
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"text": "looking forward to getting in some #YardWork today!! *trims 200 square feet of lawn with a riding mower and collapses like a sack of shit*",
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"text": "#blogcon2013 im here and if you so much as look at me without having a Verified Account my devices will emit an ear-piercing defense screech",
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"text": "#blogcon2013 waddling around the auditorium trying to find a place to set up my custom pc tower with \"BOYS BOYS BOYS\" painted on the side",
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"text": "@Sizzler_USA please stop posting political message to my feed",
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"text": "to everyone talking shit about my fine motor skills: *gives the Finger, checks to see if correct finger is extended, it isn't, tries again*",
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"text": "the guy who put up this shield to prevent me from pissing on the public toilet paper should have considered my personal liberties beforehand",
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"text": "get me some of that fuckin Travolta denim",
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"text": "there are dead guys with verified accounts, yet i am barred from consideration due to the actoins of my enemies, or \"Haters\", on this page .",
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"text": "im being TROLLed because of my pro-nascar beliefs for fuck sake!! why dont any of you care!?! why are you all just posting more jokes!?!",
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"text": "mayor unveils a huge tombstone engraved with \"Incest\". i chain my jeep to it and rip it down. mayor surrenders and names town \"Incestville\"",
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"text": "received some very important secret documents regarding the Masturbators. not only do they enjoy touching their dicks, they also worship sex",
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"text": "PRANK: say The Simpsons got cancelled and tape everyone's reaction. alter the footage later to make it look like their balls are hanging out",
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"text": "wish Obama would authorize some drone strikes against my ex-wife! *the act takes a more serious tone* Instead of doing Benghazi.",
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"text": "there are rifts in the Frankenstein community regarding whether or not igor was tasked with jacking the monster off to keep it docile",
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"text": "Good Lord https://t.co/inCGhw0io7",
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"text": "that'sd right folks!! i, adolf hitler, have been PRETENDING to like rap this whole time so people would consider me more eclectic! Ha Ha Ha!",
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"text": "As a Digimon fan for over 10 years, I never heard of someone named DigimonOtis in the Digimon community, so his input is also invalid.",
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"text": "there's a twitter room where people with verified accounts go to talk shit about me and shit on my good name and make me look like shit",
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"text": "i'll find it",
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"text": "whats the deal with people handing me receipts after i buy things!! i dont want this!! fuck you!! fuck you!! fuck you!! fuck you! #Stand #Up",
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"text": "so if the admin posts pictures of his varicose vein clusters it's ok, but when i do it my avatar is replaced with hands gripping prison bars",
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"text": "I'm Sorry For Raising Cain At The Out Back Steak House Even Though It's Still Bullshit That They Refuse To Serve Me A Plate Of Just Croutons",
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"text": "\"what are ya..\" i said to his face. \"some kind of a FReak cop?\" he desperately reached for his badge but it was fused permanently to his leg",
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"text": "@ernest_borg9 @RichardDawkins impossible. for he has already denounced the neologism \"OWned\", and i cannot own him, nor him me,",
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"text": "I have just obtained a historic deleted segment from Disney's Fantasia. It features a middle-aged man in an NFL jersey buying light bulbs",
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"text": "it is official. im taking my football to prom and im going to kiss it and the nerds will never stop me. i cannot wait to savor their anguish",
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"text": "phew. just served 4 years in afghanistan and not a single person saw my dick while I was over there. not one. hope they got a medal for that",
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"text": "i do in fact keep a trash can under my desk so i can spit up a few nauseous loads whenever i get publicly humiliated by people retweeting me",
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"text": "#momsandbrands now were talkin. can i network here. i'm a normal, real person. i think youre all good #LonelyWantuingDates #GoodAtBrandsAlso",
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"text": "my booming voice echoes from the depths of your recently flushed toilet. \"NICE TURDS IDIOT. HA HA HA\"",
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"text": "claiming reserved table for \"uncle clean jeans.\" not on the list? hmm. what about \"big uncle clean jeans.\" no? shit. try \"kurt.\" ok ggood",
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"text": "mmy \"hype man\", if you will, is a tiny 80-year-old guy who follows me around and apologizes for everything i say and do in a pitiful voice",
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"text": "my hype man is notable. someone get the president of wikipeda on the horn and command him to resign for this shit job http://t.co/aRqScnDNUX",
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"text": "ok go to your browser and type in godly erics twisted as fuck burger king reviews dot com slash good shit slash Clinton Soundboard dot s w f",
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"text": "feel obligated to inform TL: i accidentally touched a girl dog's nipple while petting it\u2014 deep apologies but ready to grow & learn from this",
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"text": "think you got it rough? try engineering blog posts while trying to suck down two whole baby bottles full of muscle milk before Solstice ends",
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"text": "you all can send me breast milk now. thank you",
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"text": "i got a booth set up outside of the casper, WY red lobster to promote & expand my brand presence. if you speak to me i will call the police.",
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"text": "who is that vile man lurking around outside of \"ROFLCon\" with a notepad, standing on trashcans trying to peek inside of the windows and shit",
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"text": "@threeboy twitter should verify me because i invented the simpsons",
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"text": "everyday i am harassed constantly by the phantoms of my own bullshit. my posts get me into trouble. please follow @Dril on twitter dot com.",
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"text": "see?? it's happenig again. people are blocking me because i'm posting my opinion. @Doritios is sending me crude messages again. fuck twitter",
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"text": "twitter to me, is a Collaborative Experience. ergo,when you shit on my posts it creates a rippling effect that corrupts the souls of all men",
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"text": "@SexCarl i knwew it. i fucking knew it. twitter culture can suck my dick *RIps up $59,000 check from dairy queen*",
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"text": "@robdelaney @SexCarl completely off the mark. i have stated repeatedly that brands are BIG in 2013 and i stand by that mantra. Remove this.",
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"text": "imagine a guy whose desktop computer is an integral part of his drum set and he posts by tapping the keyboard with his sticks and it's me",
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"text": "the advent of nanotechnology will eliminate sex when the tiny robots learn to massage our prostates and drink every drop of our terrible cum",
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"text": "the champagne-sipping hipsters are constantly begging me to make my account more \"INDY\"... but i got 1 thing to say to ya\u2015 NOT A CHANCE BUB!",
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"text": "i for one will be taking the high road by reserving judgement for the really good grumpy cat movie until ive seen it and bought the blueray.",
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"text": "everyone please stop fucking posting for a second; i think i just inhaled a hair",
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"text": "there is absolutely no greater account on twitter than @DinoMiteBarney. consistently on point , no guff, what else can i say . check it out",
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"text": "@jakefogelnest don;t support this. please, please tell your followers to put an end to these miserable hate crimes. i havent slept in 8 days",
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"text": "my step dad is apparently too busy kissing his shitty wife to attend my 55+ senior rugby league games. OH and guess what, we lost. Fuck tyou",
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"text": "\"all hail the PrankMAster, the King of Cranks\", scrawled onto the wall next to my blue corpse and a rescue inhaler filled with tabasco sauce",
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"text": "hah. i just read the entire bible and i'm still a lost., confused idiot. nice try, God. #BIbleFails",
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"text": "@adamxii im not into that hippy stuff",
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"text": "i was promised awful, screaming cicadas by the millions. i am starting to think i busted out my CICADA MAN 2013 t-shirt for nothing.",
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"text": "@ClassicsOfGame Despicable As Always. Thank You, Classics.",
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"text": "and then there was PreCumGary, a remarkable man who, despite his name, never allowed ihmself to release pre-cum during sex and masturbation.",
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"text": "#e3rumors a stodgy executive wil get on stage, spread his legs, and officially \"give birth\" to the new xbox. millions will detest this stunt",
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"text": "who are my top creative influences? easy. the geico cavemen. where do i draw the majority of my inspiration frpm? easy. the geico cavemen .",
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"text": "@TalesOfGames dunther, twang lad, gunbelt, Holbo, daemetreus costco, fallen gordo,",
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"text": "if e3 does NOT #ShowUsTheGames, KeyBladeWalter, \"Epic\" Wayne Briggs and I will engage in disciplined self-immolation on the disgusting floor",
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"text": "The offending article of clothing read \"Big Bird Sucked My Dick & All I Got Was This Lousy TShirt\". I have blocked this person from my life,",
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"text": "i show my son the mandated GMO labeling on a pair of jeans at the store. \"that's how you know it's a good cut. this is a good cut of denim.\"",
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"text": "@Ketherbound when i change m y name to \"@QuickenLoansLLC\" in Q4 youre going to be Fucked. sorry",
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"text": "the audience is encouraged to sink bullets into my protruded red baboon ass while i struggle to recite prose written on a toilet paper tube",
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"text": "this gradient they applied to the iconic kellogg's logo is of no use to me. i think i will write them a nasty little letter",
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"text": "theres an inherent sense of nobility, or perhaps honor, in the Shit that i post, that distinguishes me form my peers. undetectable, but real",
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"text": "@911VICTIM What are u saying. Am i dead",
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"text": "i've been publicly unfollowed by \"lawyer ron\" because of you fucking people",
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"text": "i am taking my 34-year-old son into town to buy him his very first pair of clip-on suspenders and we are both very excited",
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"text": "@bumf_online onyl if i get 100% of the revenue and also a $250 fee for eating up my twitter bandwidth by Mentioning me",
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"text": "trolls using \"#ff\" to add me to cruel watchlists for oppressive police beasts; ONCE AGAIN fucking me over, ONCE AGAIN making me shit myself",
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"text": "if cops can see this account already: im sorry for all my posts ,t force me to lick your boots CLEAN sir, im a bastard who needs punishment",
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"text": "i hereby hand this twitter account to Obama's Thugs aand permit them to beat the crust outta me screaming and to piss on me. no trial. amen",
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"text": "sorry for drawing this out but its important to note that im in Full Submission Mode, waiting for CIA's pig-faced cronies to whip & chain me",
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"text": "i summarily reject the notion that i derive R-Rated pleasure by having jack-booted meatheads from ACORN kick me around like a chewtoy",
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"text": "when i was young, i always dreamed of becoming an artist. at age twelve, my father taught me how to tie a Square Knot. Now i hate art,",
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"text": "caught my son running a google search for \" shit stain pussy \". i am beyond distraught. we are strictly a Bing family",
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"text": "\"\u2606 \u2605 One day, Miss Hannah Minx escaped from an anime cartoon and started teaching Japanese on Youtube. \u2606 \u2605 \u30fd(*\u309c\u25bd\u309c*)\u30ce\u30df\" me too. that;s me",
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"text": "my cousin was charged with arson(Bullshit) , and i was thinking we could all help out by drawing up some memes to display in his prison cell",
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"text": "pikced up some arcane yoga tech that will suck my balls up behind my gut and allow me to achieve a marvelous Thigh Gap #ProAna #GapBoyReal",
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"text": "maintainig one of the last serious accounts on this fucked up website is an emotional burden that could be likened to the trials of christ .",
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"text": "i will gladly purchase the Horrifying new xbox for each room in my home and expose my nude body to its mandatory camera daily for kfc points",
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"text": "a quick e3 prayer: i call upon our lord in heaven to ensurre that these perfect video games are not lambasted by criminal journalists. aman",
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"text": "ever since i had that srtoke at cold stone creamery i feel as though i am more in tune with spirits, and the like",
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"text": "i spend 2hrs on my back with my legs spread so it looks like the sun is setting into my ass from my perspective.\"haha the sun fucking sucks\"",
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"text": "obama and his crack team of nsa crooks watching me shit: \"sir, he's scooting backwards so his dick doesn't touch the rim\" \"Thuis guy's good\"",
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"text": "i am about 50% certain that the doctors who took turns punching my egregious chode during my eye exam violated the hippocratic oath",
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"text": "*stealthily dumps an entire bottle of gnc 100% pro performance whey protein into the dog's food dish * oh hey what's going on i was just uh,",
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"text": "click this post to spiritually align yourself with Hot Nacho , the devilishly delightful blend of actual nacho spices imported from DarkNet",
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"text": "click this post to devote yourself to Zesty Ranch from now to eternity , the cool, crisp satisfaction that all good mouths adore",
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"text": "click this post to worship Everlasting Slime until your cold, lonesome death, the uncleansable taste of Shit ruining your throat and tongue",
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"text": "i scan the docs & id the perp. \"The Radio Shack Masturbator\". bounty on his head. i put 100 bullets into my pistol and hit the god damn road",
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"text": "sort of bullshit that im not allowed to be the wendy's mascot just because im repugnant to most people & woudl negatively impact their sales",
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"text": "it's that time of the year when my father sends me pictures of jails and tells me that i must learn to Respect a good barbecue dry rub",
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"text": "hell ill dry rub anything. an unpeeled banana. fruit gushers. all contain a latent power which begs to be unleashed by a superb spice blend",
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"text": "i cannot eat this bowl of rice until i've personally applied a louisiana-style dry rub to each grain. i refuse to eat like a peasant",
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"text": "that's the end of my dry rub rant. it's just my opinion. i have already received 20 death threats. i fucking dare you to block and report me",
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"text": "i was also goig to make a joke about how putting a dry rub on the vaccines makes them cause less autism but the science is still out on that",
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"text": "@RobSchneider what about the wind? i think it's the wind",
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"text": "Q: are nerds allowed to read your tweets\nA: no. absolutely not. only businessmen and christian women are permitted to read my tweets.",
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"text": "\"rat rod shit shack\"",
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"text": "if the twitter man is reading this: i don't like the fact that people are \"following' this account and i would like that feature turned #OFF",
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"text": "as someone who receives the middle finger daily, i have the authority to state that using both hands is superfluous and absurd. doesn't help",
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"text": "cursed pair of google glasses adds world star hip hop watermark to everything i look at and cannot be removed from face",
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"text": "how dare you fuck with me. how dare you fuck with me , on the year of Luigi",
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"text": "im 14 year s old and im already more psychic than my dad",
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"text": "how could a man with $0 get one of you 3d printer eggheads to print up some wild runestones for my daddy-daughter astral ascension ceremony",
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"text": "just installed 500 security cameras around my compound & my sony wonderstation refuses to interface with a single one! hungry grab a snicker",
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"text": "need nonviolent methods to knock out these security cams fucking up my protest of public toilet",
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"text": "my meme dissertation should be \"put into the toilet\"?? perhaps the only thing that should be put into the toilet are your harsh criticisms.",
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"text": "The absolute shit Im forced to put up with as a content Producer. Ive sacrificed my basic human rights in order to placate U fucking people.",
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"text": "you are all too concerned wih your fucking \"Brands\" to help a mman who was absolutely in hell for 4 hours you turncoat motherfuckers of shit",
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"text": "i've been spat upon. i've been dragged through the streets. i've been pissed on to the Nth degree. all for the sake of making good ass posts",
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"text": "posing next to a jeep and handing out business cards at the high school i graduated from 8 years ago, explicitly stating i do NOT followback",
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"text": "ENOUGH *Throws All My Jacking Off Books And Jacking Off Memorabilia Into The Garbage*",
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"text": "the classics(art carney, sid caesar) woud SHIT THEMSELVES if they saw these newer performers who INSIST on displaying their genitals always,",
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"text": "*waches the Race War unfold in filthy computer chair, multiple tabs open, cnn msnbc, gawkrer, salon, milk duds** now THis is some good shit,",
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"text": "nude bathing was invented by the vile criminal slave class of the byzantine empire and it drove the kind & decent noblemen absoutely bonkers",
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"text": "im sensing some major bullshit coming from the graveyard",
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"text": "#FreshmanAdvice i will demolish you with my perfect upper body forever because seniors rule the shit out of this school",
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"text": "if your grave doesnt say \"rest in peace\" on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war",
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"text": "let me justt play devil's advocate here and say that eating shit is really good and im a dumb shithead and i love shit",
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"text": "why won't anyone fight me on this site. i want to slam one of you smug motherfuckers to hell, with the good words that i type and post here.",
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"text": "@france_xiii Piss on me, chief",
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"text": "@daniellegee Im already dead. Fuck u. Keep em comin",
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"text": "@_tbau It owuld be rude to eat you. Goal",
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"text": "https://t.co/N71ABSorZo im seeing some real good shit on this website today",
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"text": "im IP banned from this site in the usa but my Dubai account is good to go",
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"text": "Perhaps the tier I aspire to achieve the most is that of the Milk Bone brand. Such flawless precisIon. Beauty; Grace. Truly awe inspiring .",
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"text": "damn!! heres one for ya: if the classic dancing 3d baby aged normally, he would be turning 6,270 years old today #Whoa #TimeGoesByMan",
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"text": "i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8x10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes",
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"text": "what i need is one of my girl follower to shovel garbage off of my dick so i can jack off and post a numerical rating of the ordeal online",
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"text": "\" BLOOD CURSE \" to all the terrible motorists who threw debris into my bathtub as i carried it along the highway and made it really heavy",
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"text": "requesting preorder status on \"Def Comedy Jam Tennis\" - PS4 - Release Date: 7/8/15 (JPN) , TBA (USA)",
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"text": "inbox full of people apologizing to me for their tweets. \"Im Sorry Sir\" \"Ill Do Better Sir\" i blow a shitload of cigar smoke onto the screen",
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"text": "thius is not said nearly enough by all you ungrateful, unappreciative fucking jackals on here, but thank you @CNN. Thank you for the news",
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"text": "MOE\nHitler mrudered over 9million people you numbskull\n\nMoe uses the claw of a hammer to yank on Curly's nostrils\n\nCURLY\nNyuuaagghh!!",
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"text": "Time to shit. I excuse myself from the dinner table and enter a square, marble room with an obelisk in the center. I lock the door behind me",
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"text": "i take a vacation to hawaii to relieve myself of the Trolls. a group of hula girls begin beating me up & calling me shit as soon as i arrive",
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"text": "brixon brings another round of buffalo chicken bagels into the abandoned office, placing them next to last weeks rotten batch. solemn ritual",
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"text": "@turdslut it appears you dont actually follow me, Turd Slut. if thtis #FF is some how ironic. Then you are the most fucked up person alive.",
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"text": "once they put out a unicode symbol depicting a tiny ass i anticipate that the jokers & miscreants on here will use it for criminal purpouse.",
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"text": "@wolfpupy im turning off until you remove it .",
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"text": "*sees Tarantino get misquoted* You Bitch Mother Fucker *sees war supported on flimsy pretenses* Wlel, that's his beliefs and I respect that",
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"text": "a horrible mechanical abomination attaches itself to my skull and injects my latest Klout score directly into my brain every thirty seconds",
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"text": "say what you will, but i truly believe that this man, this Adolf Hitler, was one of hte most buzzworthy racism-likers of the 20th centure.",
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"text": "now for a joke. a man named \"the turd coach\" comes into my bathroom and blows the whislte at my toilet after i fill it with shit. Penalty",
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"text": "@robocosby he blogs on the issues. 5 star",
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"text": "*covers up apartment's only window with a \"Keep Calm And Enjoy The Posts\" sign* yes!! mother fucking yes !! this shit is Perfect! god DAMN!!",
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"text": "i plan on giving the olympics a right proper bollocking for lifting the tokyo 2020 setting straight from my cat girl novella",
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"text": "NASCAR Forums >> Odds & Ends >> what are some good podcasts to listen to while listlessly fucking my wife",
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"text": "@jakefogelnest NASCAR Forums >> Odds & Ends >> Repost: A Man NAmed Jake Is Causing Me Endless Grief",
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"text": "i love to do bare knuckle brawls and my garage is adorned with various pornos",
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"text": "this week's \"Perfect Sniper Murder Hell Wish \" goes out to that russian kid with cornrows who told me chester cheetah was a Dog in 5th grade",
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"text": "*wactches a sniper headshot a butterfly while its still inside of the cocoon* Hm, absolute Ownage. Ihave never seen anything that good.",
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"text": "sniper flawlessly zaps the lid of my beer jar clean off. camera zooms in & out on my astonished face accompanied by buckwild cartoon soundFX",
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"text": "the sniper lifestyle requires perfect animal instincts and also smoking. dont join my sniper squad if u havent forsaken humanity& dont smoke",
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"text": "perhaps by shooting a mam to the moon, NASA is the greatest sniper of all? nope. bull shit. it is solid snake",
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"text": "i am beginning to doubt that most of the subscribers to my feed are mature enough to handle sniper info.",
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"text": "well im going to keep this brief. i overexerted myself while responding to emails and got put up in the hospital. i basically need lungs now",
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"text": "yes i can confirm that george zimmerman just fashioned a cocoon from Monster Energy cans and metamorphosed into a gun with angel wings #cool",
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"text": "@thafruitytaste i see nothting out of the ordinary here",
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"text": "go ahead, son. fuck your life up by taking that job as an ostrich breeder instead of working at my really good law firm until youre disabled",
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"text": "i have absolutely zero interest in friendship, i have absolutely zero interest in jokes, i am simply here to collect data and earn respect",
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"text": "the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now",
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"text": "Looking To Be Jacked Off Into A Basin - m4w - 32 (Trenton, NJ)",
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"text": "today's the 2nd anniversary of the really good 9/11-related post I made two years ago #BetterWithAge #LikeAFineWine #MorePower",
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"text": "Number two. I will never apologize for defending myself from the onslaughts of jealous swine",
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"text": "number three. i will never take the advice of my lawyers, my loved-ones, and colleagues to #StopThePosts",
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"text": "number 4. the last one. i will hold this, The Content Creator's Pledge, close to my soul, on this sickening day of nine eleven. God bless",
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"text": "*kicks back and watches an algorithm remove all the circumcised people from my web ring* Huauha your fucked up dicks can't save you now",
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"text": "@Connor_Hickey94 some things are more important than the brand .",
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"text": "@zachakra i close my account and cool off in the bath tub",
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"text": "ok. so apparently throwing knives at my car is A Thing now. apparently my Emphatic Capitalization is frowned upon by People Who Read Words",
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"text": "@craigus12 Do it. Own me fully",
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"text": "i'll just call every opinion i don't like a \"Circle Jerk\". i'll dominate everyone",
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"text": "this man just likened me to a group of masturbators because i believe in the importance of an ironed pair of slacks. how dare he",
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"text": "mean while, while you were \"Gaming \", i tasted 100 different wines in a cave behind a waterfall and cried into a shaman's arms",
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"text": "as an asmerican citizen i am entitled to the spookiest halloweens possible as required by the constitution of the united states",
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"text": "@darylsdixoff this is very bullshit",
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"text": "i hand the chipotle cashier my card. \"i support indie\" with a photograph of me winking. she looks up and sees me winking in real life also.",
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"text": "anyone else see that full sail university masters in new media promo-tweet which offers us the opportunity to \"learn blogging\"? Look's legit",
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"text": "the straight truth. im richard simmons, rofl. i love kissing Monsanto Mwah Mwah. HOw's your twitter immersion now?? i also believe in God",
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"text": "let us discuss the recent unveiling of user \"@TurdBozo \" and how that affects our creative collaborative efforts like, artistically and shit",
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"text": "ah! ah! i welcome the trolls, the haters, the knuckleheads, the rudeboys, i welcome them to shit on my fucking worthless grave and kill me",
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"text": "@Insane_Cultist I foudned buzz feed and it was my idea to take all of that sweet Koch Bro Cash and put bad gifs on the site",
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"text": "When Jordache designer diapers were manufctured in 1994, they \"seemed to symbolize Jordache's descent in the marketplace to discount outlets",
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"text": "vvvvvvvvvv bullshit vvvvvvvvvv",
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"text": "http://t.co/zjDicwHRyz you will never defeat me mother fucker",
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"text": "if you're ever wondering if im some other guy, the answer is yes, im him, unless it's bad to be him, then im not him, im a different person.",
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"text": "@robdelaney the only thing real about me is my appreciation for the refreshing taste of #pepsi, #doritios, #hormel, #generalmills, et al,",
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"text": "@Muzzleland Give me some good memes and ill post them. Im sorry. Im just trying to please everyone",
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"text": "@Bro_Pair it's horrible and i'm very close to calling the police",
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"text": "i do print my posts out on index cards and dead drop them at city hall. you have to get your teeth in the game, other wise youre just shit",
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"text": "god intended for the creatures of his likeness to wear good tuxedos all the time and to paint their cars to look like it's wearing a car tux",
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"text": "The reason the \"Cars\" movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don't get that with real life cars",
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"text": "who will be brave enough to create a 3d motion picture about talking guns. who will let the guns tell their story",
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"text": "Food $200\nData $150\nRent $800\nCandles $3,600\nUtility $150\nsomeone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying",
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"text": "@Dads_Secret please dont flood this information channel with sports info",
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"text": "the guy who pretended to work at pathmark and handed out free samples of dog dicks to innocent shoppers technically didnt break a single law",
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"text": "i judged a chili competition once, whcich would make it a very good idea to hire me, because i would be good at using judgement on things",
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"text": "@rigamarock @dogboner i am in no position to judge an ass. i do not deserve to judge an ass",
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"text": "how many years did it take for moses to build the ark?? trick question. God built it",
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"text": "i forgot to take off my joke shock ring before jerking off and the joke is on me because i flipped out and shot loads all over my curtains",
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"text": "the reason it costs hundreds of thousands of dollars to incarcerate people is that jail is really good and i like going there. Jail is good",
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"text": "*sees another discarded poland spring bottle on the side of the road filled with piss* haha. hell yes",
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"text": "please do not send any pictures of your legs to LegNut64. he is not a real leg cop",
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"text": "alright. so we narrowed the name of our band down to either Traces of Mondo or Pepsigasm. and i already printed out 90,000 Pepsigasm tshirts",
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"text": "after another day of getting Owned by #HateMail and #DeathThreats nothing beats coming home to my policeman wife and getting shot & arrested",
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"text": "my fav star? it's the sun. because the earth would be a cold piece of shit without it. i also like the website called \"fav star\" a lot.",
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"text": "@ShanusMcAnus itts also not funny or good. Cheers",
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"text": "bigmouth fake priest telling me to \"drink a shitload of holy water and kill yourself\" as penance? this has happened at three churches now",
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"text": "choppy vhs footage of me jacking off in a guarded prison cell and yelling \"THE SYSTEM WORKS\" upon climax",
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"text": "STEROID and CIGAR levels must remain equal . otherwise my organs will completely shut down and the quality of my posts will suffer immensely",
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"text": "my opponent thinks hes hot shit releasing photos of me walking an iguana on a leash., but little does he know that iguana is Gentle creature",
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"text": "i wear the oj simpson glove while i post . thats just a small example of how fucked up i am. Dont make me tell u more",
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"text": "my name is WhiteMadeaFan55 and i demand ansers.",
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"text": "#TagABeautifulGirl i demand a date. i need constant help with my bullshit. i am tired of girls making me sick. i want to like the good girls",
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"text": "#TagABeautifulGirl im good. im really good and normal. i want to take a women to the shooting range and discuss guns culture. i love humor",
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"text": "it warms my heart when i see people of every race and creed, setting aside their differences in order to spew piss into my cage and scare me",
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"text": "i finally beat the Guinness record of \"most karate chops absorbed by a man\" but it doesnt count because i was unconscious during parts of it",
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"text": "hackers are finding ways to inject jokes underneath my posts and i ask my subscribers to remain calm unti;l ive sorted this all out with 911",
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"text": "a nice tip for halloween: fill up a jar with piss and say that it is a jar of frankenstein piss. display it on the porch with a strobe light",
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"text": "God Bless the United States of America and the Constitution that this Country was built on. Grab yourself a Mud Jug and KEEP PACKIN\u2019 HAMMERS",
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"text": "my trolls & detractors all have gross mental issues. they love drama and are all jealous of my precious army man blood #truth #SorryNotSorry",
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"text": "the ceo of cash4gold just called me, crying. he tells me this\u2014he says people arent respecting his brand on twitter. i fucking hate this site",
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"text": "just as Christ was nailed to the cross to rescue his brand, i will be nailed to a Meme. my shit & blood will drip upon the funny impact font",
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"text": "\"When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's amore\" nope. not true \"When the world seems to shine like you'v\" thats bullshit too",
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"text": "thinking i could bring my laptop to people who never saw computers, like some black tribe in africa. let them watch me game for a few hours.",
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"text": "everyrtfhing I say and do is owned hereforth by the fine individuals of the Cash For Moms Online corporation. i beLieve in cash for moms. ..",
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"text": "i changed my mind. fuck cash for moms online. fuck it all. its nonsense that moms are given allthis good cash while I make $0.003 per tweet",
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"text": "just to clarify: \"the studio\" is a room I rent for $800 a month. i use it to compose all of the posts i type here.",
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"text": "oh yeah buddy... i eat birdseed... and i ain't a FUCKIN bird!! #JustTheGuys #DamnMenTweets",
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"text": "outta all the users on all the sites on this big wide web of ours.. why would PriapismHaver777 want to chat with little old me....",
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"text": "@SexCarl im not about to dignify that with a respone. really fucked up of you to joke about the gross malfunctioning boner disease",
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"text": "can anyone confirm or deny that the \"spooky dicks\" they sell around halloween each year aren't just rebranded dildos",
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"text": "scuse me i gotta check this...ah, looks like my retweet was reblogged bty chief tech editor of Reader's Digest (yea hes verified). solid mag",
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"text": "if i learned anything in business school its that you can disarm any competitor by insinuating he carries his turds around in his briefcase",
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"text": "haha this vitter has probably gotten all sorts of boners on the Senate floor cause of the diapers. eyes buggin out, classic looneytunes shit",
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"text": "got that content that drives u wild #fw @HellLife @ShitGirl @simpson94170212 @GymGod @GunMagnet @SpitoonMan @DragonSex @LifeAlert420 @Guns6",
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"text": "ONCE A MARINE, ALWAYS A MARINE. Celebrate and salute America\u2019s 911 Force in the MONOPOLY: U.S. Marines Edition.",
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"text": "he lived a rich, meme-filled life",
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"text": "@hot_Girl_hamper yes. im it.",
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"text": "as far as im concerned the best revenge is ordering wolf piss online & pouring it into soneones car. \"living well\" is too hard",
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"text": "alright shit for brain listen up. i dont want this guacamole stuff youre peddling. its green and it looks sick. go home #TheThursdayNiteRant",
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"text": "hey uh, it's just the thursday nite rant. if youre offended i dont give a shit. Thats whats to be expected from the thurdsay night rant.",
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"text": "@trillbin the rant was already posted. read it before the mods get all emotional and tear it down.",
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"text": "@Grzeg the popular tursday night rant feature has concluded for today. check out the new one next thursday. it will appear on this feed.",
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"text": "please allow me to explain the mechanics of the thursday nite rant. its not officially thursday nite rant if it does not contain the hashtag",
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"text": "if i make a rant-like post on thursday night and it dosnt contain the hashtag, it is not officially a thursday nite rant. its normal content",
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"text": "theory postulated by known troll \"Zentai_Gary\" states that i, @dril, go to the zoo every weekend to , in his words, \"fuck the apes\", and i w",
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"text": "and the award for best banksy tweet goes to.. \"egg_dad_ebooks\" *seven grown men rise from their seats and push their way towards the podium*",
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"text": "looked at a newspaper today. looks like we're getting taxed out the wazoo, with this president. anyone else see this shit? tax out the wazoo",
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"text": "i believe labels are pointlessly divisive and have no proper place in our society but i'm pretty much basically a jock and not a nerd at all",
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"text": "you aall act nice to me on this site but if i needed $60,000 for saline injections all over my entire body none of you would give a SHIT",
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"text": "whos gonna rake all these leaves up?? the police? #TheThursdayNiteRant",
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"text": "my dick is a beak now",
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"text": "what if you took jethro tull \"aqualung\" & replace the parts where he says aqualung with \"octomom\" #BeyondFuckedUp #Sponsored @sheratonhotels",
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"text": "@AnonymousWiki hi can u say for me how u did to know and lesson to be a the best hacker in the world?",
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"text": "RT @GoodLiker: @AnonymousWiki hi can u say for me how u did to know and lesson to be a the best hacker in the world?",
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"text": "low quality site",
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"text": "RT @simpsonsboy: low quality site",
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"text": "RT @godmom: UNFOLLOW@GODMOM",
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"text": "better not to tweet the latest but tweet the hottest-brandlord",
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"text": "@Donlad_Duck go ask a sex account . keep your paws off of me",
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"text": "hello newsweek? yeah im not gonna make it for that interview. some schmuck just pissed all over me. im covered head to toe in schmuck piss.",
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"text": "its absolutely my right to have a 90 yr old woman scrupulously vacuuming around my enormous bulk at all times while i groan and roll my eyes",
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"text": "@Dads_Secret government thugs",
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"text": "the professor said our assignment is to make.. a MEme?? i've got this shit on lockdown. i pump my fist and hop on my hideous adult tricycle",
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"text": "it was cool when they yanked saddam out of the spider hole becausr i was like \"haha that guys me before i had my coffee. thats me on monday\"",
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"text": "@JakeKomara thusday nite rant No.4 Uncut is currently scheduled to be released on Thursday, October 31st.",
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"text": "@JoseCanseco Im going to throw all of your baseballs and baseball bats into the garbage",
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"text": "\"And th mark...theyst fhall beckon..bearers of the Mask.. doth verily, andth post really good shit, online\" nostradamus predicting Anonymous",
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"text": "i gotta say both of these are looking pretty sharp. can't wait to go next-gen http://t.co/122XQOHPO8",
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"text": "@shoegays the aliasing in the ps4 shot is a little tighter. xb1 has better contrast, though. both of them wreck the current gen, regardless.",
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"text": "this next dip of chaw is dedicated to the pursuit of muscles, and also my jeep",
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"text": "i do understand that it's halloween and it's only natural to want to get up to a bit of mischief, but paws off my hash tag please.",
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"text": "to potential employer: when i said i jerk the dogs off at the zoo, that was a joke. the zoo doesnt even have dogs. theyre domestic creatures",
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"text": "to the fine folks who kicked my bare ass while i was trapped in the automatic door at walmart: why do you people insist on punishing success",
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"text": "@diaper_wolf i feel like posting some more good ass posts is what i feel like",
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"text": "im the man who got banned from the gym for trying to bring a mattress inside, and i have gotten significantly weaker since the incident",
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"text": "nobody told me that\" doing donuts\" was some car technique. up until now i thought that it was just another way to say you're eating donuts",
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"text": "atticus quiznos, cornelius pepboys, baron von sega; distinguished luminaries who voluntarily castrated themselves for the sake of the #Brand",
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"text": "huge tub of au jus sauce with bottles of beer floating around in it is lowered into the room before the big game. \"now that's, a power play\"",
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"text": "@jakefogelnest i might cancel this week's rant due to crippling dread and other real life bull shit. we'll see",
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"text": "@BevisSimpson oh that actually is way too similar and now i look and feel like Shit",
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"text": "RT @BevisSimpson: Most of my body is real but my ass is a cartoon in the style of Archie comics and my dick is barts dick from the Simpsons\u2026",
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"text": "@BevisSimpson the integrity of Fav Star is at stake . I Deserve death",
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"text": "i think \"mario and sonic at the munich massacre\" could work if they did it respectfully & didn;t fuck with the formulas from the retro games",
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"text": "woah. you can say \"Houston we have a problem\" in messy situations that have nothing to do with astronauts or texas? this changes everthing",
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"text": "if the state ordered me to wear one of those shitty lapel cams i'd say \"No SIR\" & crush the camera under my cop boot while the public cheers",
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"text": "be sure to check out my repulsively athletic legs & thighs featured on the shitty offbrand bag version of wheaties at your local supermarket",
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"text": "please respect the sanctity of UFO chat",
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"text": "unverified accounts are fucking disgusting. they often contain base, lewd \"humor\", and i have mini-strokes whenever one of them retweets me",
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"text": "my previous tweet was not the thursday nite rant. first off, it doesn't contain the hashtag. secondly, it's wednesday afternoon right now",
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"text": "@the_A_factor i live in the atlantic ocean",
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"text": "@Yelix Absolutely not.",
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"text": "can any of you hook me up with some sports",
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"text": "i'm really good at reciting my favorite quotes because my voice sounds like a cool movie character and isn't all fucked up and high pitched",
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"text": "Had it up to here witht the chuckle crew. If you think my posts are bullshit I challenge you to come waterboard me and destroy me perfectly.",
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"text": "the much anticipated photographic evidence that i take good care of my gumline has been postponed due to drama and agony",
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"text": "yo Aesop... these fuckin \"fables\" of yours? Not up to snuff. Some weak fables over here. Go back to writing college. #TheThursdayNiteRant",
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"text": "http://t.co/e777lTtelf When Is The Next 9 11",
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"text": "http://t.co/cgIujqF0P6 Thanks",
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"text": "big bird was obviously just a man in a suit. but the other ones were too small to contain men. so what the fuck",
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"text": "Thank you for the follow, @NBCSports .",
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"text": "i dont know about you guys but my uncle has been dying to meet all your uncles. did somebody say twitter dot com uncle meet????",
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"text": "@rad_milk in that case i would advise your uncles not to attend.",
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"text": "listen up i need u guys to go on my account and check out this post called \"The Thursday Nite Rant\" and dont forget to hit up that RT button",
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"text": "\"favs.. retweets.. they're all good as hell. You're basically here to get those. Without em, you might as well be posting into the toilet,\"",
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"text": "i have trained my two fat identical sons to sit outside of my office and protect my brain from mindfreaks by meditating intensely",
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"text": "CONTROVERSIES: lots of people jacked off to \"beetlejuice\" because they thought he was a girl. it's perfectly normal & good [citation needed]",
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"text": "gamers are stupid assholes huh? well guess what. the final fantasy titles taught me roman numerals. check this shit out: XVCXCXCVIIIVX",
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"text": "Real.Time.with.Bill.Maher.2013.11.15.HDTV-NO.SWEARING.EDITx264-2HD[kkkdracula]",
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"text": "enjoying my \"BEER O CLOCK\" tshirt? yeah I got a whole hamper full of these badboys at home. you can come over & look at them all if you like",
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"text": "*steps out on stage twirling a cane and accidentally hits self in the dick 100 times * AAAWGHHH",
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"text": "This channel is dedicated the the beautiful smoking girls of Japan. These videos aim to capture the style and elegance of the Japanese girls",
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"text": "http://t.co/RvRHIaehDr here is a cool list of \"weird tweets'\"",
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"text": "my blood glucose test strip unboxing video maintains a remarkable zero views despite me spending $8000 on Media courses #TheThursdayNiteRat",
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"text": "my more astute readers have noted that i botched the hashtag. its not supposed to be \"the thursday nite rat\". i cannot fix it. its locked in",
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"text": "i am working to resolve the thursday nite rant issue. please do not contact me",
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"text": "for every child you don't circumcise i am going to circumcise myself 3 times",
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"text": "i see jokes like \"doge\". like \"angry cat\". and I think to myself, \"This is fucking actually good. How can I interface this with my strats.\"",
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"text": "i spend lots of time thinking about how many of my depraved, miserable followers would murder me if they could get away with it #SocialMedia",
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"text": "@_Hermit_Thrush_ Thank You",
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"text": "@_Hermit_Thrush_ @diaper_wolf @extranapkins block me instead. this is all my fault",
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"text": "@scento @Cheesegod69 i want to crush it between my shoulder blades",
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"text": "well, i'm planning a move. the democratic people's republic of korea?? strongest cops in the game. flat out. Make our cops look like shit",
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"text": "Moneyhats all the way down. He doesnt csre about the true fans. He killed the dog for profit.Just follow the big dollar sign",
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"text": "Seth i mean.",
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"text": "\"sour cream and onion\" ?? thats a bunch of shit from the get go #TheThursdayNiteRant",
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"text": "@KawaiiKush this is the makeup rant because i fucked it up last week. the normal schedule will now proceed after a brief thanksgiving hiatus",
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"text": "i call upon familiars david blaine & criss angel to help me discretely wash this pocket pussy in the soda fountain at the peiwei asian diner",
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"text": "local singles want to meet you in YOUR AREA! click here to call the COPS",
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"text": "use coupon code \"Do Harlenm Shake\" to save 10% off your next Divorce",
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"text": "media outrage over the discovery of geiorge zimmerman's Gun Sink, a kitchen sink filled to the brim with guns",
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"text": "Keep an eye on \"Apps\", in 2013 and beyond.",
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"text": "please set your home pages to http://t.co/vahp3VrtsA . it is a better web site than twitter. no trolls or loudmonths, always free.",
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"text": "@amandagothard_ is that real. dont hassle me",
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"text": "is the thanksgiving day parade canon. are we to believe that garfield would allow himself to float around and be yanked around with strings",
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"text": "\"The Thanksgiving Day Parade is not canon. The events depicted therein have no place within the Garfield timeline.\" - Jim Davis, Paws Entmt",
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"text": "i thitnk, that, before you wish death upon someone, you should make sure their tweets are really really bad first",
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"text": "seems to be confusion regarding the job offer. you just directed me to an amazon listing for clown makeup. Looking forward to the real link.",
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"text": "just tape the car horn down and cars will naturally move away from you. you can drive anywhere. it is called, \"The Instinct of the Beast\"",
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"text": "the wrong side of town. just a bunch of signs on the side of the road that say \"Moms Earn Cash\" with no phone number or email or anything",
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"text": "noticing a lot more rear collisions after adhering my \"9/11 Was An Inside Doge\" bumper sticker. people must be too busy laughing to pay attn",
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"text": "i can infer that the owner of this car with \"Wade\" painted on the hood is either named \"Wade\" or enjoys the word \"wade\" for personal reasons",
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"text": "**sticks vacuum into skintight rubber suit so it becomes even tighter and dick and balls become more pronounced & visible* ugh!! mondays",
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"text": "\"god damnit!\" the coach rips his headset off \"they covered our football in nerd cum! those bastards have covered our football in nerd cum!\"",
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"text": "attribute my creative decline to deep spiritual sickness caused by several pornographic hairstyles i accidentally looked at in time magazine",
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"text": "i have modded gta 5 to make the dicks ugly. and i plan to make them even uglier in ugly dick mod v1.1",
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"text": "@DJMadnessDOTnet I don't know who that is Mate .",
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"text": "the facts are thuis: i accidentally did benghazi while trying to steal nfl broadcasts and im sorry about it. this is a stressful year for me",
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"text": "a tiny lapel pin shaped like the twitter verified account icon stops the assassins bullet and spares mmy cruel, filthy life",
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"text": "the knock out game is a lot of crap. Lord heal oru youth . Lord heal our youth #TheThursdayNiteRant",
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"text": "@BRUNOZILLA #TheThursdayNiteRat was a typo caused by the fatigue and stress of managing my online business. It is not a real feature.",
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"text": "i am getting hundreds of messages telling me that the thursday nite rant is very bad. i am contracted to produce them until june 2015. sorry",
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"text": "http://t.co/JY4AeVyu29 heres the thursday nite rant contract, as requested",
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"text": "it was my idea to do the \" tuesday nite rant\" to tie into the ruby tuesday brand, but they said that idea was shit. they wanted thursday",
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"text": "@Nick09 ruby tuesday is a small business. fuck you",
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"text": "surprise, dad. while you were witnessing the pennsylvania state lottery i tried on all your work gloves and they looked very handsome on me",
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"text": "yeah im supposed to be \"offended\" by spit on my grave. youre basically feeding my skeleon nutrients. also spitting in graveyards is illegal.",
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"text": "You'll Never Believe Which JP Morgan Executive Utterly Eviscerate Fitness Blogger Moms Flat Stomach Selfie #WeirdNews #CoolButWeird #Offbeat",
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"text": "stood up, faced audience during larry the cable guy movie, and shouted \"YOu're all monsters, stop laughing at him, that's his regular voice\"",
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"text": "@blackbobross i don't know anything about comedy. i specialize in arts & entertainment.",
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"text": "I'm Sgt. General James Bond. My mission is to collect guns and gather intel on the unimaginably fucked up drugs known as Cocaine & Marijuana",
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"text": "http://t.co/Rv3QUakY5C my life will soon become this #SEAvsSF",
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"text": "i got banned from the official red lobster forums for posting \"9/11\". yet they say we're living in a post-9/11 world.....",
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"text": "surefire investment: Saline. everyone i know is injecting a lot of it into their dicks. THat's, \"Saline\". Surefire investment. Locked down.",
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"text": "my hobbies include wearing cool clothes, getting sucked off and being involved in local theater. The last one is a joke, actually",
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"text": "when i cant decide whether to throw up into the trash can or the toilet i throw up in the trash cadn & pour about half of it into the toilet",
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"text": "they made 666 the satan number because that's how many hours it took me to learn how to roll a cigarette",
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"text": "The six things I could never do without:\n\u2022 .\n\u2022 gamer",
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"text": "just thinking about how two guns mounted on my wall in an X pattern would look really good over my toilet",
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"text": "*stares at a man doing jumping jacks in complete awe* How is he doing that",
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"text": "woah. just realized the \"Hungryman\" logo on this can of sloppy joe is referring to me, the guy buying and eating thhe food. Insane mindfuck",
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"text": "yeah babe. im 007 license to kill. im basically really fucked up and mentally ill from all the murders I did.**yawn* i got a gun tattoo also",
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"text": "Showtime. Feel the sweat on your palms. Face the hideous, bloodthirsty crowd. All eyes on you. It's all or nothing. It's #TheThurdayNiteRant",
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"text": "isnt it wild that every time i look at pictures of hell i say that it looks like some cool shit, and that i would go there instead of heaven",
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"text": "get yourself a few dozen trash bags and stash them in a drawer somewhere. never know when you might need em #TheSaturdayMorningRamble",
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"text": "The Saturday morning ramble is Work Safe. Children are also allowed to enjoy it. The Thursday nite rant is vulgar and unleashed",
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"text": "the most fucked up thing saddam hussein ever did was eat doritos in jail",
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"text": "i plan on spending christmas with the kranks by putting the dvd in and playing it. i want to spend christmas with the kranks mother fucker.",
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"text": "\"The film was universally panned by critics. It received a \"rotten\" rating of 5% on the r\" let me stop you right there. thats a lot of crap",
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"text": "Shit myself on C.Martinet's lap. Voice of Mario. He was surprisingly chill. Too embarrassed to apologize so I bought Mario Golf a week later",
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"text": "@kcgreenn @BAKKOOONN i give this picture two thumbs down because it is gross",
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"text": "@CrackerBarrel wher can i pickup merch ft. shitty beard guy who needs all sorts of wile e coyote shit to hunt the most pathetic animals ever",
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"text": "@atomicdoge @jrindyk the old dog one featured a twistedly brutal amount of blackface thoguh",
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"text": "IBM sent me a supercomputer to analyze all of my posts with and guess what, they're all good",
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"text": "tthe super computer lit up and told me my posts were good in a fucked up robot voice, validating me forever online",
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"text": "The office space judge, to the trolls: For refusing to stop being a piece of crap i am sending you to 15 years of pound me and the ass jail.",
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"text": "@isohyde @RealSkeleton Stop owning me",
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"text": "@TherealGeorgeZ RATATATA /\u0335\u0347\u033f\u033f/'\u033f'\u033f \u033f \u2310\u2566\u2566\u2550\u2500 - - - - BOOM BOM POW /\u0335\u0347\u033f\u033f/'\u033f'\u033f \u033f *CLICK* BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM (Philippians 4:13)",
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"text": "ah, online is amazing. there is so much to do here. *GETS OBLITERATED BY INSULT`S AND SICK IMAGES* i've changed my mind. online is childish",
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"text": "\"When it is Christmas, the only gift you need is my posts.\" -@Dril when it is christmas, the only gift you need is my posts.",
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"text": "@NonCombosMentos if i was fake that would be fucking insane as hell",
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"text": "@Munz0 i chose to disregard the advice of president barack obama and continue posting",
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"text": "i'm going to shut down for several hours while user \"JFK_Destroyer\" reconsiders his threat to \"suck my grave like a dick,\"",
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"text": "no. no. no. and no. santa would never do putrple drink. keep the jokes stashed deep in the garbage on this holy night",
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"text": "@cecxlia the thursday nite rant is cancelled due to christmas. it is also cancelled next week due to new years. the rant will return jan 9th",
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"text": "@cecxlia the saturday morning ramble will be cancelled as well. thank you for your cooperation and understanding. PLease enjoy the holidays.",
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"text": "[download of \"bagel covered in caesar dressing.jpg\" complete] Ah, Fucking Good This Yes. Absolutely Epic Fucking Particularly This. Sir",
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"text": "put pictures of fat 1920s babies up next to the muscle builders of modern day & you will ssee that their skill levels are considerably equal",
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"text": "another fucked up thing that women will do to all good men and boys is steal their last names, poSsibly to leverage their own failing brands",
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"text": "please help mme. my dad sent me $40000 to go to Fight College but I spent it all on making a big hormel foods logo out of gorilla glue",
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"text": "winner of best reality program \"Mushroom Sons\", beating out \"Extreme Mushroom Farm\", \"Mushroom Grabber\" and \"Boys of Mushroom\" #GoldenGlobes",
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"text": "my living room has more remote controls in it than NASA. its like you gotta be an astronaut just to watch the ball game #TheThursdayNiteRant",
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"text": "smiling is worthless. it has no value. nobody wants to see your damn teeth all the time. fuck you #TheThursdayNiteRant",
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"text": "\"whodunit\"?? how about we just call it a \"murder mystery\" insTead of resorting to that grammatical mess #TheThursdayNiteRant",
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"text": "yo bartender!! we all know you filled my deink with ice so you can skimp on the good stuff. hows this grab ya: \"No Tip\" #TheThursdayNiteRant",
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"text": "my laywer is telling me that the bastard who hacked my account and leaked my rants is none other than edward snowden, known traitor to USA.",
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"text": "and i will state right now that these recent events bear no weight upon the popular \"saturday morning ramble\" feature. Thank you",
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"text": "yea everyone called me Dixie Cup for years juts cause I asked if it was alright to use a dixie cup as a condom in sex ed. im cool now though",
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"text": "bougt a bottle of \"liquid ass\" to teach my stepdad a lesson but i consumed the entire bottle by mistake. now i drink \"liqiud ass\" on the reg",
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"text": "I didn't want it to end like thtis. I am so sorry. My hands were tied. The rants weren't getting enough Favs so the sponsor pulled the plug",
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"text": "I am a coward. I beg of your forgiveness. And please check out The Saturday Morning Ramble, which is still scheduled for release on Feb. 8",
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"text": "Jesus christ. I;m so god damn sorry. This is so fucked up. It's a living nightmare. I am literally shaking. I have never felt such pain",
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"text": "a 90 year old man looks at hula hoops \"they dont make'm like they used to\" now hes all started up \"theyre SHIT!! these are picees of SHIT!!\"",
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"text": "i was one of the villains in WWE. mmy name was \"Loser Fuckface Nerd \" and my catchphrase was \"i cant fight them! theyre too strong\"",
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"text": "to the countless many Whom have plagiarized my hard work by using the retweet button \"Thou art a Coward\" !! i will beat your ass at the mall",
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"text": "Im a goalie in personal life so I know a thing or two about deflecting personal attacks against my life as well as hockey pucks.",
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"text": "might bring this tweet to the office\u2015 a guy drinks a cup of coffee but it's actually a gravy bowl by mistake?? is that appropriate for work",
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"text": "dick fact no.77: my, dick is covered in clothes most of the time. this protects it from the elements as well as the gaze of my enemies",
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"text": "@BongVivant @Perfect_Beanis Thank;s all. Remember to fav and retweet the thuings i put on here also. Get the word out that my posts are good",
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"text": "Fuck #TheThursdayNiteRant and the bruise it has left upon my legacy. Fuck contracts and being tricked into signing them. Fuck Ruby Tuesdays.",
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"text": "i just divined a glimpse of everyone who has ever unfollowed me talking at the bar, laughing about how bad my posts are & i fucking screamed",
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"text": "*all horrors begotten by the desire of man flash before eyes* woha! this is awkward *the cries of millions suffering echo* Damn That's Weird",
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"text": "Mentioning the woefully fated thursday nite rant feature to me constitutes harassment. Let's keep the trash out. I am a real journalist now.",
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"text": "eunuchoid 49yr man puting self up for adoption, please. unemployable due to frequent nosebleed. loves movies & Tech. thank u for reading it.",
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"text": "my next good post is about egg salad. What in the shit?? are you egg or salad? Why is this good. Who's eating it. Check Please. uhhh",
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"text": "ive enclosed an image of judge judy and my stepdad kissing that I photoshopped to express my disapproval of the broken paintball gun verdict",
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"text": "ived hacked into your beeper, champ. enjoy your inopportune beeping",
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"text": "please wellcome Irony Cowbell to the world, my beautiful newborn daughter who will be named that forever",
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"text": "moseying up to the girl on campus and whispering in her ear \"got that fuckin pizza hut p'zone in my backpac\" and straining my face intesnely",
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"text": "regarding hideous new happy meal box: has anyone put their dick in its mouth and took a pic yet. will they send me coupons for being the 1st",
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"text": "i get dozens of compliments about my perfect ears every day. it's llike Shut the fuck up. Im trying to eat a bagel in my car and you do this",
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"text": "the emerald nuts corporation deducts my pay substantially for each death thrreat i receive so please stop it",
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"text": "advising everyone on this dumb ass website not to block me to ensure that my sub par written word can reach your grubby shit smeared devices",
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"text": "tyler durden and the Joker and 007 agent james bond take turn beating up my ex-wifes car while i say \"Cool\" and \"This is fine\"",
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"text": "thinking of getting 1 of those Yes icons on my avatar so I can just point to it when people ask me if im strong enough to carry my adult son",
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"text": "and now to tackle celebrity tom cruise's claims that I look like \"an eggplant with progeria\". **crracks knluckles* that's uh, a fallacy",
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"text": "the \"Seems To Me\" collection by @Dril. Thank you for reading it",
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"text": "maybe sometimes both sides... are good and bad at the same time??? im sorry if im doing this wrong. it is difficult to write",
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"text": "in conclousion, there's some action packed heavy hitter s in the world of games being released soon, and I hope you all buy them. Bye",
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"text": "AH. ONCE AGAIN IM RAKED THRU THE COALS AND TORTURED TO DEATH FOR HAVING A NORMAL PERSONS OPINON. FUCK OFF",
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"text": "@GenericJoey I have never not been real. Aspecially during the time of this crisis, the 9/11 of enthusiast game play.",
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"text": "allow me to reiterate.. im on the side that is the least mad. whichever one that is right now. nobody knows whos more mad at this point.",
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"text": "@Halowary @MrTrollham Ouh..!! Fascinating ! **Nodding a lot*",
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"text": "all dressed up in my little tuxedo and ready to sacrifcie my self to isis",
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"text": "cant wiat to see what devilish thanksgiving scenarios me and the boys of twitter can conjure up. \"The turkey was taken by spiders? ? Whua??\"",
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"text": "Star wars is back baby . . . Confirmed by @Dril",
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"text": "@fart I can confirm absolutely that filmmaker George Lucas is bringing our dear star wars back to us.",
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"text": "once agian the posts sent to me by screwball accounts have caused me to spit up and defile my big belt buckle which contains my son's ashes",
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"text": "i put years of hard work into getting my torture degree at torture college & now everyones like \"oh tortures bad\",\"its ineffective\" fuck off",
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"text": "thank you inventor of bibs. every one else, off a cliff",
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"text": "im an exhausting person to be around but once you get to knnow me im actually a giant shithead with irredeemable mouth",
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"text": "FRONT: If u dont like the posts\nBACK: Get out of the kitchin",
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"text": "paper towel ?? Huzzat ?? is it a paper or a towel. more to come",
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"text": "makimg a Meme Quilt, where we send a quilt all over the world & each person adds a patch featuring their favorite online meme . a bit of fun",
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"text": "well im sad to announce that the meme quilt project has been cancelled. someone has already jacked off on it instead of adding their patch",
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"text": "Fuck off. Thats in poor of taste RT @SplendaCowboy GUess its The AIDS quilt now",
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"text": "@SplendaCowboy Its not the aids quilt now. Its a regular quilt",
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"text": "im going to close my account for uhhh 90 seconds until yyou fucking people learn how to engage content creators in a meaningful handsome way",
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"text": "@VJ_Ostrowski Thank you. Im glad that youre one of the people on here with a real brain who understands this.",
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"text": "folks let me tell you about the content platform known as \"itunes\". its so poorly conceived its even got nasas top men scratchin their heads",
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"text": "ME: itunes, play some sinatra\nITUNES: Youre not authorized to operate itunes. Please insert NASA identification\nME: what hath ,been wrought!",
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"text": "@BAKKOOONN funny you should ask. im actually having a lot of problems getting it to do just that. its like you got to join nasa to learn how",
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"text": "heads up hotshot. gonna drop two fuckin cents on this fuckin itunes. yeah you gotta be a fuckin nasa astronaut to use this shit. yea alright",
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"text": "Im sorry that the 12 days of content feature isnt as good as I planned it to be. I will try to to better of it, in the remaining days. -Dril",
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"text": "know what. im not fucking sorry. the \"12 days\" project has been fairly solid thus far. as if the shit you people post is better?? get fucked",
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"text": "top me off, beer man. here's to bottoms up **gets kicked out of the fucking establishment for putting my dirty coat on the bar*",
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"text": "i mostly just need help getting the teeth. i can handle pouring them into my ass by myself #ParksPremiere",
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"text": "WOw. Sorry. Like i give a shit. Wiseguys on here",
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"text": "@IndianaPopovich @jzxpl no. this is just a nice thing for me",
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"text": "@tjdru @IndianaPopovich @jzxpl thank you for putting these kind thoughts underneath my flawless posts",
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"text": "im sorry for getting bonnaroo 2015 cancelled b/c i used the hashtag to ask ppl to put teeth in my ass. but im Not sorry for defeating trolls",
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"text": "jack`s off to the super bowl for business, jack`s off to the bitter beer face commercials for pleasure",
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"text": "@dril isaid comments off mother fucker and i mean it!",
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"text": "my ass is out again,. this time at the opera house. \"no wifi!! turn on the wifi!!\" i yell from the balcony. im trying to shit but i cant",
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"text": "@_Hermit_Thrush_ my ass is out?? out of where? i cant shit? or i wont shit? was i psosibly referring to the mezzanine instead of the balcony",
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"text": "@_Hermit_Thrush_ on another note,. why undersell the establishment as an \"opera house\" when it could certainly be used to host all manner",
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"text": "@_Hermit_Thrush_ of performances, including b ut not limited to tragedies, comedies, recitals, speeches, and concerts? it's also naive to",
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"text": "@_Hermit_Thrush_ assume in this scenario that i have lungs,. and am able to breathe the oxygen required to yell at the actors about wi-fi",
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"text": "@_Hermit_Thrush_ but i suppose people could indeed misconstrue that one quote unironically. ill consider that when composing my next piece",
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"text": "another Twisted observation\u2014Where the fuck does cinnamon come from. it just appears on food sometimes. Do people buy it at the store or what",
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"text": "big pharma. if youre reading this i have an idea for a pill that makes you tinier so you can fit into secret zones. i will let you invent it",
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"text": "appreciating every post online is akin to acquainting oneself w/ each earthly grain of sand..and i absolutely intend to do both these things",
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"text": "ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote's son\nFOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level\nAGAINST: one of them is a dog",
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"text": "@HairySkeletor @Mike_Bianchi @_Hermit_Thrush_ eat shit mother fucker!!! **throwing massive amounts of cash* art is dead bjtch!!! art is dead",
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"text": "to my hawaiian pen pal from like 4th grade; sorry for sending you a pinecone. if someone sent me a pine cone in the mail i'd beat their ass",
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"text": "just enjoying a noticable uptick in Favs and Followeres ever since my sworn enemy, Osama bin Laden, was brutally murdered in his rumpus room",
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"text": "i accept all your apologies you sad mother fuckers. YOu all have a lot of work to do when it comes to critiquing my meme style. Foul animals",
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"text": "need 800 more dollars to keep the unofficial \"$h*! My Dad Says\" tv show wiki up and running for another month, yiou fucking worthless toads,",
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"text": "\"There is something to be said for being able to bring that Wow factor., into mediums that make use of Social. Mm. Just incredible\" - @ Dril",
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"text": "tokyo of nippon. the big apple. it is here i will forge my destiny selling printouts of my most Fucked Up posts. i sip off my beer cup & nod",
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"text": "hu... now im a man who likes his garlic butter.. let me tell you. in fact, im prone to saying that regular butter needs to step it up a tad,",
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"text": "humbly Genuflecting myself before my girl followers, at the end of another red-letter sunday night on the comptuer",
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"text": "concerned about people posting false lunches. lying about the food they ate on here. fraud meals. please start putting the receipts up",
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"text": "some times it takes a little bit of Free thinking to be able to look at the bull shit of the world to step back and say \"Damn What the hell\"",
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"text": "\"Why should there be only one good friday. Let's try our best to make all the Fridays good. Thank you\" -a quote i invented which made me cry",
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"text": "((restrained by cops and forced to watch a man put mustard on a bagel) nno!! you're ruining it! That's quality bakedgoods",
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"text": "whicghever media wizards decide what you all are currently angry about should consider the grievous crap of people putting mustard on bagels",
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"text": "@BassoonJokes im talkin normal mustard a nd would also go as far to also implicate Gouldon's \"Spicybrown\"",
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"text": "going nuclear on smart asses today, with the block button, Whilst enjoying my normal life with a cup of Porter Brew and eating Main Lobster.",
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"text": "@beelzeturnt im talking about main lobsteer, as in the good part of the lobster, like prime rib is to steaks",
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"text": "yknow folks, not many things tell you theyre good right there in the name, so if you see things like Good Friday or Goodfellas i say Take It",
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"text": "pleased to announce, on the april of 9th, that i have signed a Truce with DigimonOtis, ending a feud that has persisted over several years .",
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"text": "The ceremony will begin at 12:00 EST, wherein DigimonOtis shall unblock my account, and I will Follow him, officially ending this turmoil.",
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"text": "Well, the time has come. But before I officially grant DigimonOtis the coveted @Dril follow, I would like to say a few words.",
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"text": "thbe new Digiman game looks like shit for children& 2015 will NOT herald the Digiman renaissance tht Otis desparately needs to stay relevant",
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"text": "the Digimon Otis peace treaty will hence be frozen in piss and thrown onto the freeway where itll shatter into one million despicable pieces",
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"text": "what can i say. my hatres are my motivators (gets pic of nude man covered in syrup sent to inbox) FUCk. Please stop",
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"text": "Shut the fuck up? Now ? Whil;e im smack in the middle of perhaps my most ruthless tear against Netflix Culture? Muwahaha. Never",
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"text": "ME: was thinkin about how I could incorporate the phrase \"obama breeze\" into my next post. Thoughts?\nTOM CRUISE: its solid gold baby. Killer",
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"text": "youre all a Dog of the Coward's order. ill take you across my knee and slap yopur Ass., i will \"GIVE UM HELL\" as ordred by the great general",
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"text": "peppercorn ranch & buttermilk ranch... one of these is good, the other is completely Fucked, and its not my responsibility to tell you which",
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"text": "ive heard from a reliable source that people arre putting their lips on to my girl friends avatars and going \"muah muah muah.\" cut it out",
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