Season,Episode,Character,Line
1,1,Boys,"School day, school day, teacher's golden ru...
"
1,1,Kyle,"Ah, damn it! My little brother's trying to follow me to school again.
"
1,1,Ike,"Zeeponanner.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Ike, you can't come to school with me. 
"
1,1,Cartman,"Yeah, go home you little dildo.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Dude, don't call my brother a dildo!
"
1,1,Stan,"What's a dildo?
"
1,1,Kyle,"Well, I don't know...  and I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either!
"
1,1,Cartman,"I know what it means!
"
1,1,Kyle,"Well, what?
"
1,1,Cartman,"I'm not telling you.
"
1,1,Stan,"What's a dildo, Kenny?
"
1,1,Kenny,"(It's a giant stick that goes inside the mom's vagina) 
"
1,1,Cartman,"He-yeah, that's what Kyle's little brother is all right!  Ow! 
"
1,1,Stan,"Dude, that kicks ass!
"
1,1,Kyle,"Yeah, check this one out. Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
"
1,1,Ike,"Don't kick the baby.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Kick the baby. 
"
1,1,Stan,"Whoa, Cartman! Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.
"
1,1,Cartman,"That's 'cause I was having these... bogus nightmares.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Really? What about?
"
1,1,Cartman,"Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed...  in the dark, when all of a sudden this bright blue light filled the room.  Then slowly my bedroom door begin to open,  and the next thing I remember, I was being drug through a hallway.  Then I was lying on a table,  and these scary hands wanted to operate on me. And they had big heads and big black eyes...
"
1,1,Stan,"Dude! Visitors!
"
1,1,Kyle,"Totally!
"
1,1,Cartman,"What?
"
1,1,Stan,"That wasn't a dream Cartman, those were visitors!
"
1,1,Cartman,"No, it was just a dream, my mom said so.
"
1,1,Stan,"Visitors are real.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Yeah, they abduct people and they mutilate cows.
"
1,1,Cartman,"Oh, shut up guys! You're just trying to make me scared. And it's not working.
"
1,1,Chef,"Hello there, children.
"
1,1,Boys,"Hey, Chef.
"
1,1,Stan,"What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?
"
1,1,Chef,"Well, today it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles and a choice of green bean casserole or vegetable medley.
"
1,1,Cartman,"Kick ass.
"
1,1,Chef,"Say, did any of you children see the alien space ship last night?
"
1,1,Cartman,"Huh?
"
1,1,Kyle,"Yeah, fat boy saw it!
"
1,1,Cartman,"Eh, no, that, that was just a dream. And I'm not fat, I'm big boned!
"
1,1,Chef,"Oh, was it the ones with the big long heads and the black eyes?
"
1,1,Cartman,"Oh!
"
1,1,Stan,"They took him on their ship.
"
1,1,Chef,"Oh! Did they give you an anal probe?
"
1,1,Cartman,"Oh!
"
1,1,Kyle,"What's an anal probe?
"
1,1,Chef,"That's when they put a big metal hooba-jube up yo' butt.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Whoa! They gave you an anal probe Cartman?
"
1,1,Cartman,"No! Uh-I mean, eh, why would they do that?
"
1,1,Stan,"Dude, they did, huh? Aliens stuck stuff up your ass!
"
1,1,Cartman,"No!
"
1,1,Ike,"Eneh probe
"
1,1,Cartman,"Shut up, dildo!
"
1,1,Chef,"Well, I gotta get to the cafeteria. You children watch that fat boy now. He could be under alien control. 
"
1,1,Cartman,"Oh!
"
1,1,Kyle,"We told you they were real Cartman. Sorry to hear about your ass.
"
1,1,Cartman,"God damn it, they didn't do anything to my ass! It was just a dream!
"
1,1,Kyle,"Why are you walkin' so funny Cartman?
"
1,1,Cartman,"Shut up!
"
1,1,Ike,"Oh foonuh bebe.
"
1,1,Kyle,"No, Ike, go home.
"
1,1,Ike,"Eeeeee!
"
1,1,Kyle,"This is it. This one's for the game.
"
1,1,Ike,"Purplor.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Kick the baby! 
"
1,1,Student,"Good one!
"
1,1,Stan,"Good morning, Miss Crabtree.
"
1,1,Ms. Crabtree,"Sit down! We're runnin' late! 
"
1,1,Kyle,"Damn it, he's still there.
"
1,1,Stan,"Oh, don't worry about him.
"
1,1,Kyle,"No, dude, if something happens to him, my parents are gonna blame me.
"
1,1,Ms. Crabtree,"Sit down back there! Arrrggghhh!!
"
1,1,Kyle,"Ike! Go home!
"
1,1,Ms. Crabtree,"I said '''sit dowwwwn!'''
"
1,1,Stan,"Yeah, whatever, ya fat bitch.
"
1,1,Ms. Crabtree,"What did you say?
"
1,1,Stan,"I said I have a bad itch.
"
1,1,Ms. Crabtree,"Oh.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Oh, my God! 
"
1,1,Stan,"Visitors!
"
1,1,Kenny,"(Oh nooo!)
"
1,1,Kyle,"Ike!  Stop the bus! Miss Crabtree, you have to stop this bus!
"
1,1,Ms. Crabtree,"Sit down, kid!
"
1,1,Kyle,"But I have to get off!
"
1,1,Ms. Crabtree,"Do you want an office referral?
"
1,1,Kyle,"No.
"
1,1,Ms. Crabtree,"Then sit down!
"
1,1,Kyle,"But I...
"
1,1,Ms. Crabtree,"Arrgghhh!
"
1,1,Kyle,"Arrghh!
"
1,1,"Kyle, Ms. Crabtree","Arrrggghhh! 
"
1,1,Stan,"Cartman, are those the same visitors you saw?
"
1,1,Cartman,"Shut up you guys, it's not working.
"
1,1,Kyle,"I'm in big trouble, you guys! We have to do something!
"
1,1,Stan,"Well, we can't do anything for now, that fat bitch won't let us.
"
1,1,Ms. Crabtree,"What did you say?
"
1,1,Stan,"Uh, I said that rabbits eat lettuce.
"
1,1,Ms. Crabtree,"Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do. 
"
1,1,Kyle,"What am I going to do? My little brother's been abducted by aliens.  You farted. 
"
1,1,Cartman,"Somebody's baking brownies. 
"
1,1,Farmer Carl,"This is the third cow this month. At this rate all of my cattle are gonna die before the winter's through. 
"
1,1,Officer Barbrady,"This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time. 
"
1,1,Farmer Carl,"People's been saying they've been seeing UFO's around.
"
1,1,Officer Barbrady,"UFO's? 
"
1,1,Farmer Carl,"Yeah, and black army CIA helicopters and trucks.
"
1,1,Officer Barbrady,"That is the silliest thing I've ever heard. 
"
1,1,Farmer Carl,"What was that?
"
1,1,Officer Barbrady,"That, that was a pigeon.
"
1,1,Farmer Carl,"What am I supposed to do, Barbrady? Just stand here and watch my cattle get mutilated one by one?  Hey! My cattle!  You see? There is somethin' funny goin' on!
"
1,1,Officer Barbrady,"There's nothing funny going on. I'll get those cows back.
"
1,1,Mr. Garrison,"And now children, our friend, Mr. Hat, is going to tell us about Christopher Columbus.
"
1,1,Mr. Hat,"That's right, Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indians' best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Fredrick Douglass and a freed the Hebrews from Napoleon and discovered France. And then in 1492...
"
1,1,Kyle,"Oh, man. I can't just sit here, I have to help my stupid brother, or I'll come home without him and my dad will start yelling, ""Where's your brother, Kyle?"" ""You weren't looking out for your little brother, Kyle?""
"
1,1,Stan,"Okay, okay, let's ditch school and go find him.
"
1,1,Kyle,"""You know he can't think on his own, Kyle!"" ""Brush and floss, Kyle!"" ""Where has that finger been, Kyle?""
"
1,1,Stan,"Dude!
"
1,1,Mr. Garrison,"Is there a problem, boys?
"
1,1,Kyle,"Yes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now.
"
1,1,Mr. Garrison,"Oh, really, Kyle? What is it this time? Another prostate tumor?
"
1,1,Kyle,"No, my little brother's been abducted by aliens.  It's true! Ask Cartman, they gave him an anal probe.
"
1,1,Cartman,"Heh, heh, that's a, that's, that's a little joke. Heh, heh.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Mr. Garrison, seriously, I have to go. Can I please be excused from class?
"
1,1,Mr. Garrison,"I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat?
"
1,1,Kyle,"I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking you!
"
1,1,Mr. Garrison,"Oh I think you should ask Mr. Hat.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?
"
1,1,Mr. Hat,"Well, Kyle, no!! You hear me?! You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
"
1,1,Mr. Garrison,"Hmm, guess you'll have to take your seat, Kyle.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Damn it!
"
1,1,Cartman,"Hah, hah. Mr. Hat yelled at you.  Ow! My ass! 
"
1,1,Kyle,"Dude!
"
1,1,Stan,"Damn, Cartman!
"
1,1,Cartman,"Uh... Ow! My ass!
"
1,1,Kyle,"Dude, he's farting fire!
"
1,1,Stan,"It's the alien anal probe. It's shooting fire from Cartman's rectum!
"
1,1,Cartman,"No, that was just a dream.
"
1,1,Mr. Garrison,"Eric, do you need to sit in the corner until your flaming gas is under control?
"
1,1,Cartman,"No, Mr. Garrison, I'm fine. 
"
1,1,Train Conductor,"Hey, you cows can't get on this train! This is a people train. You cows have no business on a people train, all right? 'Cause you're cows.  No, no, no. Don't try any of that cow hypnosis on me, all right? 'Cause it's not gonna work.
"
1,1,Officer Barbrady,"Hold it right there, cows!  Come back here! Now then! 
"
1,1,Kid,"So then I had...
"
1,1,Jason,"Ya, seriously, killer.
"
1,1,Cartman,"Oh!! Whoa, I sure am hungry.
"
1,1,Stan,"How can you eat when you're farting fire?
"
1,1,Cartman,"Shut up, dude, you're being totally immature.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Hey, look, there's Wendy Testaburger.
"
1,1,Stan,"Where? 
"
1,1,Cartman,"Stan wants to ki-iss Wendy Testabur-ger
"
1,1,Stan,"Shut up, fat ass! I don't even like her!
"
1,1,Cartman,"I'm not fat. And you obviously like her because you throw up every time she talks to you.
"
1,1,Stan,"I do not!
"
1,1,Wendy,"Hi, guys.
"
1,1,"Kyle, Cartman","Hi, Wendy.
"
1,1,Wendy,"Here, Stan. This is for you. 
"
1,1,Stan,"Bleech!
"
1,1,Wendy,"Eww! 
"
1,1,"Kyle, Cartman","Bye, Wendy.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Dude, what does the note say?
"
1,1,Stan,"Holy crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school. 
"
1,1,Kyle,"Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.
"
1,1,Cartman,"Or slip her the tongue.
"
1,1,Kenny,"(Or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her.)
"
1,1,Stan,"What? How do you know she has a cat? 
"
1,1,Kyle,"Come on you guys, we need to figure out how to get out of school so we can get my little brother back.
"
1,1,Chef,"Hello there, children.
"
1,1,Boys,"Hey, Chef.
"
1,1,Chef,"How are you doing?
"
1,1,Kyle,"Bad.
"
1,1,Chef,"Why bad?
"
1,1,Kyle,"Chef, have you ever had something happen to you, but nobody believed you?
"
1,1,Chef,"Oh, children, children, that's a problem we've all had to face at some time or another. Here, let me sing you a little song. It might clear things up.
I'm gonna make love to ya woman
Gonna lay ya down by the fire
And caress your womanly body
Make ya moan and perspire
Gonna--
"
1,1,Stan,"Uh, Chef.
"
1,1,Chef,"--get those juices flowin'--
"
1,1,Stan,"Chef.
"
1,1,Chef,"--we're makin' love gravy--
"
1,1,Stan,"Chef!
"
1,1,Chef,"--love gravy, lovelovelovelovelove gravih!
"
1,1,Stan,"Chef!!
"
1,1,Chef,"Love luh-- Huh?  Do you feel better?
"
1,1,Kyle,"No!
"
1,1,Chef,"Oh, come on children, what could be so bad? It's Salisbury steak day.
"
1,1,Stan,"Visitors took Kyle's baby brother.
"
1,1,Chef,"What?!  What the hell do you think you're doing in school eatin' Salisbury steak?! Go find him, damn it!
"
1,1,Kyle,"Mr. Garrison won't let us out of school. He thinks we're making it up.
"
1,1,Cartman,"You are making it up. 
"
1,1,Stan,"Whoa! 
"
1,1,Cartman,"What?
"
1,1,Kyle,"That was cool!
"
1,1,Chef,"It's uh some kind of symbiotic, metamorphosis device.  This could mean the visitors want to communicate with us.
"
1,1,Cartman,"Oh, I see. Now you're going to join in on the little joke huh?
"
1,1,Chef,"It's no joke, children, this is big!
"
1,1,Kyle,"Please, Chef, if I don't get out of school and get my little brother back from the aliens, my parents are gonna disown me.
"
1,1,Chef,"Uuh, hold on now, hold on now.  Uhyouyouyou gotta help the children.
"
1,1,Cartman,"Oh, you guys sure are going a long ways to try and scare me. I want my Salisbury steak!
"
1,1,Chef,"Fire drill! Fire drill! Everybody out!  Okay children, this is your chance!
"
1,1,Stan,"Killer! Thanks, Chef.
"
1,1,Chef,"Mahahahahan oh man, first contact with the alien visitors. I've got to get myself ready.
"
1,1,Boys,"We got out of schoolNo more school todayWe got out of school...
"
1,1,Cartman,"Oh!! You guys, my ass, seriously..!
"
1,1,Stan,"Okay, Cartman, you can stop farting fire now.
"
1,1,Cartman,"I would if I could, you son of a bitch!
"
1,1,Kyle,"Okay, so how do we get my little brother back?
"
1,1,Cartman,"Uh—Would you stop going on about your little brother? I know it was just a dream, I know I didn't have an anal probe, and I know that I'm not under alien control! 
I love to singa
About the moona and June-a and the springa
I love to singa
About a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a...
"
1,1,Stan,"What the hell was that?
"
1,1,Kyle,"He is under alien control. That thing in his butt is linked up to the visitors!
"
1,1,Cartman,"Ah, son of a bitch!
"
1,1,Cartman,"You guys, shut up. I'm not under alien control.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Hey!
"
1,1,Cartman,"Uh...
"
1,1,Kyle,"If you visitors can hear me- 
"
1,1,Cartman,"Hey...
"
1,1,Kyle,"-bring me back my little brother, God damnit!
"
1,1,Cartman,"Ow!  That hurts, you buttlicker!
"
1,1,Stan,"Kyle, look! It's them.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Give me back my brother! 
"
1,1,Stan,"Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!
"
1,1,Kyle,"You bastards! Come back here! Coomme baack!  Damn it, we were so close!
"
1,1,Stan,"Hey look,  I think Kenny's okay.
"
1,1,Kenny,"(Don't worry, I'm alright. Argh!) 
"
1,1,Stan,"Owww.
"
1,1,Kenny,"(Nope, I'm all fine. Agh!) 
"
1,1,Stan,"Wow, poor Kenny.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Now do you believe us, Cartman?
"
1,1,Cartman,"No!
"
1,1,Kyle,"Cartman, they killed Kenny!
"
1,1,Cartman,"He's not dead.
"
1,1,Stan,"Dude, Kenny is dead!  See?
"
1,1,Cartman,"Shut up, you guys.
"
1,1,Kyle,"He's dead, Cartman! 
"
1,1,Cartman,"God damn it, I didn't have an anal probe!  Screw you guys, I'm goin' home.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Go on and go home, you fat chicken!
"
1,1,Cartman,"Dildo!
"
1,1,Kyle,"You're all I have left, Stan.
"
1,1,Stan,"Sorry, dude. I gotta go meet Wendy Testaburger.
"
1,1,Kyle,"You can't! Poor Ike must be so scared, up there all alone. You gotta help me, dude! 
"
1,1,Stan,"Dude, like Chef says, I've gotta get a piece of lovin' while the gettin's hot. 
"
1,1,Kyle,"Rats.
"
1,1,Liane,"Hello, Eric.
"
1,1,Cartman,"Hi, Mom.
"
1,1,Liane,"How are you doing?
"
1,1,Cartman,"Well, I'm pissed off!
"
1,1,Liane,"Here, I made you powdered donut pancake surprise.
"
1,1,Cartman,"I don't want powdered donut pancake surprise. All the kids at school call me fat!
"
1,1,Liane,"You're not fat, you're big boned.
"
1,1,Cartman,"That's what I said.
"
1,1,Liane,"You can have an eensy weensy bit, can't you?
"
1,1,Cartman,"No!
"
1,1,Liane,"Just a weensy geensy woo woo?
"
1,1,Cartman,"No, Mom, leave me alone! 
"
1,1,Liane,"How about a nice chocolate chicken pot pie, then?
"
1,1,Cartman,"What? Well, that does sound pretty good.  Uh, Mom?
"
1,1,Liane,"Yes, hon?
"
1,1,Cartman,"If anybody calls or comes over, I'm not here, okay?
"
1,1,Liane,"Sure, hon. You want some Cheesy Poofs, too?
"
1,1,Cartman,"Yeah, I want Cheesy Poofs.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Well, it looks like she's not going to show up, Stan. Let's go look for the visitors now.
"
1,1,Stan,"But her note said she'd be here. 
"
1,1,Wendy,"Hi, Stan.
"
1,1,Stan,"Bleech!
"
1,1,Wendy,"Eww!
"
1,1,Kyle,"You can't talk to Stan, Wendy. He throws up when you do.
"
1,1,Wendy,"But why, Stan?
"
1,1,Stan,"Bleech!
"
1,1,Wendy,"Eww!
"
1,1,Kyle,"Look, can you guys just get down to business so we can go find my little brother?
"
1,1,Wendy,"Huh?
"
1,1,Kyle,"Just make sweet love down by the fire.
"
1,1,Wendy,"What happened to your little brother?
"
1,1,News Reporter,"As the reports of UFO sightings increase, more mysterious crop circle patterns are appearing in fields all around South Park. These crop circles, when viewed from above, form strange patterns. 
"
1,1,Cartman,"Hey, that kind of looks like... Tom Selleck.
"
1,1,News Reporter,"Could it be that aliens are trying to make contact with us, here on Earth?
"
1,1,Mr. Kitty,"Meow.
"
1,1,Cartman,"No, Kitty, this is mah pot pie.
"
1,1,Mr. Kitty,"Meow.
"
1,1,Cartman,"No, Kitty, you bad kitt--!
"
1,1,Mr. Kitty,"Meow.
"
1,1,Cartman,"No, Kitty, it's mah pot pie!  Mom! Kitty's being a dildo!
"
1,1,Liane,"Well, then. I know a certain kitty-kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight.
"
1,1,Cartman,"What?
"
1,1,Kyle,"...and now I have to go home without him and my parents are going to have me killed.
"
1,1,Wendy,"Well, why don't you go get the fat kid?
"
1,1,Kyle,"Why?
"
1,1,Wendy,"Well, if the fat kid has something implanted in his ass, maybe the visitors are using him as part of their plan. Maybe you should use the fat kid as bait to bring them back.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Hey. You're right, Wendy. Come on, Stan, we have to go get Cartman. 
"
1,1,Wendy,"Come on, Stan. 
"
1,1,Stan,"Bleech!
"
1,1,Wendy,"Eww! 
"
1,1,Stan,"Hey, wait. When do I get to make sweet love? 
"
1,1,Mr. Kitty,"Meow.
"
1,1,Cartman,"No, Kitty, you can't have any!
"
1,1,Mr. Kitty,"Meow.
"
1,1,Cartman,"No, Kitty, this is mah pot pie! Bad Kitty--!  Eh, 'scuse me, Kitty.
"
1,1,Liane,"Eric, look who's here.
"
1,1,Cartman,"Dude, weak mom.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Come on Eric, we can go play at the bus stop.
"
1,1,Cartman,"I can't, my mom said...
"
1,1,Liane,"That's okay, Eric, I think you need to go spend time with your little friends.
"
1,1,Cartman,"But mom, I don't want to spend time with my little friends--
"
1,1,Liane,"Don't be difficult, Eric! Now, you go out and play in the fun snow.
"
1,1,Cartman,"God damn it! 
"
1,1,Cartman,"You guys, I have to get home.
"
1,1,Stan,"Don't be such a fraidy cat, Cartman. This rope will make sure they can't take you on board again.
"
1,1,Cartman,"Oh, man, this sucks.
"
1,1,Kyle,"How come the visitors aren't coming for him?
"
1,1,Stan,"I think we have to signal them somehow.
"
1,1,Cartman,"Ow!
"
1,1,Wendy,"Hey, he's like Rudolph.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Yeah! All you have to do is fart some more, Cartman, and the visitors are sure to come!
"
1,1,Cartman,"Really? Uh, I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Sure you do!
"
1,1,Stan,"Come on Cartman, fart!
"
1,1,Cartman,"I don't wanna.
"
1,1,Stan,"He can't hold it in forever.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Fart, damn you!
"
1,1,Cartman,"Okay, that's does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?!  I'm sick of it! It's completely immature.
"
1,1,Stan,"Hey, it's happening again. 
"
1,1,Kyle,"Whoa, look at that.
"
1,1,Stan,"Now, do you believe this, Cartman?
"
1,1,Cartman,"You guys can't scare me! I know you're making it all up.
"
1,1,Stan,"Cartman, there's a 80-foot satellite dish sticking out of your ass!
"
1,1,Cartman,"Sure, you guys, what-ever. 
"
1,1,Chef,"Oh, boy. The aliens are going to make first contact. Hey, down here, we are ready for your wisdom!  And you've only got 20 minutes before Sanford and Son is on.
"
1,1,Cartman,"You guys, I am seriously getting pissed off right now! I know there is no such things as aliens!  Oh, God damn it!
"
1,1,Mr. Garrison,"What the? I tell you, there's some crazy stuff going on in this town.
"
1,1,Mr. Hat,"You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Come down here, you stinking aliens!  Uh, uh...
"
1,1,Stan,"Go on, Kyle, ask 'em for your little brother back.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Vi, Visitors, this morning you took my little brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away. But I've learned something today. That having a little brother... is a pretty special thing.
"
1,1,Stan,"Yeah.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again.
"
1,1,Stan,"That was beautiful, dude.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Did it work?
"
1,1,Stan,"No, they're leaving.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Hey, you scrawny-eyed shithead, what the fuck is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of fucking asshole to be able to ignore a crying child!
"
1,1,Stan,"Whoa, dude!
"
1,1,Kyle,"You know what you assholes like! You like to fuck! And shit! And fuck! And fuck! And fuck! And fuck!
"
1,1,Stan,"Hey Wendy, what's a dildo? 
"
1,1,Ike,"Help me doy tair.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Ike, jump down, now! For the love of God, Ike, jump!
"
1,1,Ike,"Don't hurt me. 
"
1,1,Alien,"Moo... Moo...Moo...Moo... (Greetings, cows of Earth. We come in peace.)
"
1,1,Cows,"Moo?? (Really??)
"
1,1,Kyle,"Come on, Ike! I promise I'll be nice to you from now on!
"
1,1,Ike,"Don't kick the baby.
"
1,1,Alien,"Moo moo, moo. Moo moo, moo. Moo. (We have experimented with all the beings of Earth, and we have learned that you are the most intelligent and wise.)
"
1,1,Cartman,"What the hell are they talking about?
"
1,1,Cow,"Moo moo? (Why did you turn some of us inside out?)
"
1,1,Alien,"Moo moo, moo. Moo. (Oh, that was Carl's fault. He's new.)
"
1,1,Alien Carl,"Moo...moo...moo. (Yeah, sorry about that. My bad!)
"
1,1,Kyle,"Ike!
"
1,1,Alien,"Moo moo. Moo moo. Moo. (Take this device. It is a gift from us.)
"
1,1,Kyle,"Ike! Do your impersonation of David Caruso's career!
"
1,1,Ike,"It's my turn! 
"
1,1,Aliens,"Moo moo. Moo moo. (Farewell cows, peace be with you!)
"
1,1,Cartman,"You guys, get me down from here!  Ow! Help! Sons o' bitches! Dildos!
"
1,1,Stan,"Phew, I'm sure glad that's over with.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Yeah. Boy, am I glad to see you, Ike.
"
1,1,Ike,"Oh, he fly out of the sky.
"
1,1,Chef,"Wait, where are you going, alien visitors? Come back!
"
1,1,Blonde,"Well, Chef, where's this amazing thing you were going to show us.
"
1,1,Chef,"Well, it's in the bedroom, ladies. Come on in.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Come on, Ike, we can make it just in time for dinner. 
"
1,1,Stan,"Thanks for your help, Wendy.
"
1,1,Wendy,"Whatever, dude.
"
1,1,Stan,"Hey, I didn't throw up.
"
1,1,Wendy,"Cool! 
"
1,1,Stan,"Bleech! 
"
1,1,Wendy,"Eww!
"
1,1,Stan,"Sorry.
"
1,1,Wendy,"Hey, look. A French fry.
"
1,1,Stan,"Cool.
"
1,1,Wendy,"And what is that?
"
1,1,Stan,"I think it's part of a Cheesy Poof. 
"
1,1,Wendy,"Hey, what's that?
"
1,1,Stan,"That's uummm... a hamburger from... that's from, like, two days ago.
"
1,1,Wendy,"Hey, what about that?
"
1,1,Stan,"I don't know what the hell that is...
"
1,1,Stan,"Gee, the bus'll be here any minute, and Cartman still isn't around.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Yeh, we're running out of friends.
"
1,1,Stan,"I wonder what that thing was that the visitors gave the cows.
"
1,1,Cows,"Mooo.
"
1,1,Officer Barbrady,"Ha ha cows! I've got you cornered. Let's see you get away now. 
I love to sing-a
About the moon-a and the June-a and the Spring-a
I love to sing-a
About a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a...
"
1,1,Cartman,"Puh!
"
1,1,Stan,"Oh, hey Cartman.
"
1,1,Kyle,"Wow Cartman, the visitors dropped you off just in time to go to school.
"
1,1,Cartman,"Ah, man, I had this crazy nightmare last night.
"
1,1,Stan,"Really, what about?
"
1,1,Cartman,"Well, I was standing out in a field, and I had this huge satellite dish sticking out of my butt. And then there were... hundreds of cows and aliens, and then I went up on the ship and Scott Baio gave me pinkeye.
"
1,1,Stan,"That wasn't a dream, Cartman. That really happened.
"
1,1,Cartman,"Alright. Why don't I have pinkeye then?
"
1,1,Kyle,"Cartman, you do have pinkeye!
"
1,1,Cartman,"Ahh, son of a bitch!
"
1,2,Kyle,"Hey Stan, did you see that rainbow this morning?
"
1,2,Stan,"Yeah, it was huge.
"
1,2,Cartman,"Heh, I hate those things.
"
1,2,Kyle,"Nobody hates rainbows.
"
1,2,Stan,"Yeah, what's there to hate about rainbows?
"
1,2,Cartman,"Well, you know, you'll just be sitting there, minding your own business, and they'll come, marching in and crawl up your leg and start biting the inside of your ass, and you'll be all like, ""Hey, get out of my ass you stupid rainbows!"" 
"
1,2,Stan,"Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
"
1,2,Cartman,"I'm talking about rainbows, I hate those friggin' things!
"
1,2,Kyle,"Rainbows are those little arches of color that show up during a rainstorm.
"
1,2,Cartman,"Ohh, rainbows. Yeah, I like those, those are cool.
"
1,2,Stan,"What were you talking about?
"
1,2,Cartman,"Heh, oh, nothing, forget it.
"
1,2,Kyle,"No, what marches in, crawls up your leg and bites the inside of your ass?
"
1,2,Cartman,"Nothing..!
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Children, children. Remember the 'Save Our Fragile Planet' essay contest that you children worked so hard on last month?  One of our very own South Park students has won the national prize.
"
1,2,Wendy,"Wow, I knew I would win.
"
1,2,Mr. Hat,"Gosh Mr. Garrison, this sure is exciting.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"That's right Mr. Hat, the winner of the national 'Save Our Fragile Planet' contest is... Eric Cartman.
"
1,2,Wendy,"What?
"
1,2,Cartman,"What?
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Congratulations Eric, on writing the award winning paper.
"
1,2,Cartman,"Kick ass!
"
1,2,Stan,"That's impossible, Cartman doesn't know a rainforest from a pop tart.
"
1,2,Cartman,"Yeah I do, pop tarts are frosted.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Out of over a million papers, Eric's was chosen as the grand prize winner.
"
1,2,Kyle,"Wow, what did you write about Cartman?
"
1,2,Cartman,"Oh, you know, this and that.
"
1,2,Wendy,"He doesn't even know what he wrote about!
"
1,2,Kyle,"What was your paper about Wendy?
"
1,2,Wendy,"My paper was on the suffering of bottlenose dolphins.
"
1,2,Cartman,"There you see, you shouldn't have written a paper about dolphins. Dolphins are stupid.
"
1,2,Stan,"Dude, dolphins are like the second smartest animal on the planet.
"
1,2,Cartman,"Buh, hah, right, if they're so damn smart, how come they get caught in those fishing nets all the time?
"
1,2,Wendy,"What?
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Wait, wait, there's more. It says here that Eric's trophy will be presented to him by...Kathie Lee Gifford.
"
1,2,Kyle,"Kathie Lee is coming to South Park?
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"And the presentation will be on national television.
"
1,2,"Stan, Kyle","Television!
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Kathie Lee Gifford. I don't believe it.
"
1,2,Mayor,"Kathie Lee Gifford in South Park! Oh my God! This is our chance to make a name for ourselves; to show that we're not just some piss-ant white-bread mountain town.
"
1,2,Aide 1,"Better yet, it's a chance for you to get some publicity.
"
1,2,Mayor,"Yes! If I can show just how much I turned South Park around, I could become a Senator.
"
1,2,Aide 2,"Maybe even a State Senator.
"
1,2,Aide 1,"Mayor, we should decorate the town square.
"
1,2,Aide 2,"Then we should have the chef of the school cafeteria sing a song, and play up the ethnic diversity of our town.
"
1,2,Mayor,"That's right, he's a black guy isn't he?
"
1,2,Aide 1,"Black as the night itself Mayor.
"
1,2,Mayor,"Yes! And we can even have the children of South Park put on a little play. Kathie Lee loves children.
"
1,2,Aide 1,"If they're working in a sweat-shop that is.
"
1,2,Aide 2,"Ohhh.
"
1,2,Aide 1,"Ouch.  Thank you.
"
1,2,Cartman,"You guys, guess what? After I'm on television, I'm gonna be totally famous.
"
1,2,Wendy,"Hitler was famous too.
"
1,2,Chef,"Hello there children.
"
1,2,"Kyle, Stan","Hey, Chef.
"
1,2,Chef,"How are my little crackers today?
"
1,2,"Kyle, Stan","Good.
"
1,2,Chef,"Did you all hear about the news? Kathie Lee Gifford is coming to South Park.
"
1,2,Stan,"Yeah, cause Cartman cheated and won the environmental essay contest.
"
1,2,Cartman,"Hey!
"
1,2,Chef,"Yeahyeh. Oh whatever. But the mayor just called and asked me to sing at the ceremony.
"
1,2,Kyle,"Wow, are you gonna do it?
"
1,2,Chef,"Of course! Kathie Lee is a beautiful sultry queen of sexual fantasy. And if I sing to her, maybe I can lure her into a night of exotic delectation.
"
1,2,Stan,"Yeah, that'd be cool.
"
1,2,Kenny,"(How big's your penis, Chef?)
"
1,2,Chef,"Well, three times bigger than Frank Gifford's, anyway. 
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Oh, I can't even concentrate on grading papers with all this excitement.  Why are you looking at me like that Mr. Hat?
"
1,2,Mr. Hat,"Have you forgotten about all the pain and suffering that Kathie Lee Gifford caused you?
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Mmm, mmm, Mr. Hat, that was a long time ago. And I was only a child.
"
1,2,Mr. Hat,"We could have won that talent show, we could have been huge.
"
1,2,Lil Mr. Garrison,"Knock knock, Mr. Hat.
"
1,2,Mr. Hat,"Who's there?
"
1,2,Lil Mr. Garrison,"Orange.
"
1,2,Mr. Hat,"Orange who?
"
1,2,Lil Mr. Garrison,"Orange you glad I didn't say banana? 
"
1,2,Mr. Hat,"Thank you. 
"
1,2,Lil Mr. Garrison,"Wow Mr. Hat, looks like we might win.
"
1,2,Show Announcer,"And now our last talent show finalist, Kathie Lee Epstein.
"
1,2,Lil Kathie Lee,"If they could see me now, that little gang of mine.
I'm eating fancy chow and drinking fancy wine.
I'd like those stumble bums to see for a fact
The kind of top-drawer first-rate chums I attract
All I can say is, ""Wow-wee, look-a where I am.""
Tonight I landed, Pow!, right in a pot of jam.
What a setup! Holy Cow!
They'd never believe it, if my friends could see me now!
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"It, it wasn't fair. She had choreography. How could we compete that?
"
1,2,Mr. Hat,"But now she's coming to South Park, and I know a way to make it all better.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"How?  No, Mr. Hat, I couldn't kill Kathie Lee Gifford!
"
1,2,Mayor,"Children, as you all know, Kathie Lee Gifford will be in South Park to present the award to some kid for an essay.
"
1,2,Cartman,"That kid is me.
"
1,2,Mayor,"Whatever. Now, I'm going to have you luscious little youngsters do a play about the history of South Park.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"That'll be wonderful, won't it Mr. Hat.
"
1,2,Mr. Hat,"Kill her.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Mr. Hat!
"
1,2,Mayor,"Mr. Garrison, I'm asking you to direct our little play.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Oh, that's perfect. You see Mr. Hat, we don't have to kill her. We can just upstage her.
"
1,2,Wendy,"Mrs. Mayor, you might want to review the essays. We think Cartman might have cheated.
"
1,2,Mayor,"Who cares? Now kids, what's say we give it our South Park best.  And who's our little prize winner again?
"
1,2,Cartman,"Me! Eric Cartman!
"
1,2,Mayor,"How about we get in shape, huh? We want to look our best for the TV cameras don't we?
"
1,2,Cartman,"Yes ma'am. I'm gonna be on television, I'm gonna be on television.
"
1,2,Cartman,"...I'm gonna be on television, I'm gonna be on television...
"
1,2,Stan,"We don't believe for a minute that you won that contest fairly, fat boy.
"
1,2,Cartman,"Egh, stop defending your little girlfriend for writing about some stupid fish.
"
1,2,Stan,"Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly.
"
1,2,Cartman,"Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise.
"
1,2,Stan,"Dolphins are way smarter than you!
"
1,2,Cartman,"If they're so smart, why do they live in igloos?
"
1,2,Stan,"Dolphins don't live in igloos, that's eskimos!
"
1,2,Cartman,"Dolphins, eskimos, who cares?! It's all a bunch of tree hugging hippie crap!
"
1,2,Stan,"Tell me what you wrote about!
"
1,2,Cartman,"I can't. I have to go home and get in shape.
"
1,2,Stan,"Yeah, right! You'll go and sit in front of the TV and eat cheesy poofs, ass-master!
"
1,2,Cartman,"Screw you, hippie!
"
1,2,TV Announcer,"We'll be right back to Jesus and Pals, after this.
"
1,2,Beefcake,"Hey!! You need to get in shape fast?! Wanna look your best?! Tired the other guys getting all the chicks?! Are you tired of being a 90 pound weakling?!
"
1,2,Cartman,"Yeah, I only weigh 90 pounds.
"
1,2,Beefcake,"Then bulk up quick, with Weight Gain 4000!!
"
1,2,Cartman,"Yes!
"
1,2,Beefcake,"With over 4,000 grams of saturated fat per serving, its patented formula is designed to enter the mouth, and go to directly to the stomach where it is distributed to the bloodstream. Now available in stores everywhere. Get some today, and say with me: 'Beefcake!'
"
1,2,Cartman,"Beefcake!
"
1,2,Beefcake,"Beefcake!
"
1,2,Cartman,"Beefcake!
"
1,2,Beefcake,"Beefcake!
"
1,2,Beefcake,"BEEFCAKE!
"
1,2,Cartman,"BEEFCAKE!
"
1,2,Cartman,"Mom, can you get me some Weight Gain 4000?
"
1,2,Mrs. Cartman,"Okay Eric, I'll get you some from the store tomorrow.
"
1,2,Cartman,"But mom, I need it for tomorrow.
"
1,2,Mrs. Cartman,"But tomorrow is grocery day Eric.
"
1,2,Cartman,"Mm-mo-om, Ah-ee née-eed suh-ome Weight Gain Four Thousaaand! I need iiit!
"
1,2,Mrs. Cartman,"Okay, okay, then. I guess I'll be going to the store now then. 
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"No, no!
"
1,2,Mr. Hat,"Kill her.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"No, Mr. Hat, I won't do it.
"
1,2,Mr. Hat,"Kill!
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"That does it, you're going in the dresser drawer, Mr. Hat.
"
1,2,Mr. Hat,"She'll make a fool of you again.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Well, you can just stay in that drawer Negative Nancy.
"
1,2,Cartman,"Hey dudes.
"
1,2,Kyle,"What the hell is wrong with you, Cartman? Haven't you noticed the three feet of snow on the ground?
"
1,2,Cartman,"Listen! I have a nice body and I want to show it off, you got that?
"
1,2,Stan,"What? You've got to weight 90 pounds.
"
1,2,Cartman,"I'm up to 94, thank you very much.
"
1,2,Kenny,"(They're the biggest breasts that I've seen)
"
1,2,Kyle,"Yeah, they're almost as big as his mom's. 
"
1,2,Cartman,"Laugh all you want, I'm the one who's gonna be on TV, looking all buff. 
"
1,2,Stan,"What's that stuff?
"
1,2,Cartman,"Weight Gain 4000, it's helping me bulk up.
"
1,2,Kyle,"Bulk up to what, fatass?
"
1,2,Stan,"Superfatass?
"
1,2,Cartman,"Hey, I don't have to take that kind of crap from you scrawny weaklings!  Eh, eh. Sweet. Check me out, I'm such a beefcake I can't even get through the door. Eh.
"
1,2,Mayor,"Come on people. We've got to turn this place around. Hang up the lights, string up the banners, castrate the cows!
"
1,2,Cows,"Mooooo?
"
1,2,Mayor,"Well Mr. Garrison, how is the little play going?
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Huh? Oh, fine. We were just about to run it from the top.
"
1,2,Mayor,"Oh, please do. I'm dying to see it.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Okay, all the little pioneers on this side of the stage.  Good. And all the little Indians go to the center of the stage .
"
1,2,Clyde,"Am I an Indian, or a pioneer?
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Do you have a feather on your head?
"
1,2,Clyde,"Yeah.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Then you're an Indian.
"
1,2,Clyde,"Oh.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Okay Bebe, this is your line.
"
1,2,Bebe,"This is the story of South Park. It begins over a hundred years ago. When the noble and hardy Ute Indians lived on the land.
"
1,2,Mayor,"Oh, don't they look adorable?
"
1,2,Bebe,"Then, from the east, came the great white pioneers. 
"
1,2,Mayor,"Oh my God!
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"They did it a lot better this morning, they had more energy.
"
1,2,Bebe,"The pioneers met with the Indians, and negotiated for their fertile lands. 
"
1,2,Mayor,"Mr. Garrison, we can not have our children beating each other senseless in front of Kathie Lee Gifford.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Well, what do you want? This is how it happened in those days.
"
1,2,Stan,"Take that you stupid Indian! 
"
1,2,Clyde,"Dow!
"
1,2,Mayor,"Mr. Garrison, this is not appropriate. Do you actually think Kathie Lee Gifford would enjoy this?!?
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford!  Oh my God, what have I said?
"
1,2,Townsman,"He said, ""To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford!"" 
"
1,2,Mayor,"Mr. Garrison, I am dismissing you from directing our play. 
"
1,2,Mr. Hat,"It happened again didn't it? Now we do things my way.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"I can't kill her Mr. Hat. You're gonna have to do it. 
"
1,2,Kyle,"Whoa, Cartman. Talk about wide load.
"
1,2,Cartman,"Yeah, I'm really starting to fill out nicely.
"
1,2,Kyle,"You're not filling out nicely, you're fatter than ever!
"
1,2,Cartman,"I'm not fat! I'm getting in shape!
"
1,2,Kyle,"Cartman, you're such a fat ass that when you walk down the street people go ""God damn it, that's a big fat ass!""
"
1,2,Cartman,"No they don't, you jealous weakling!
"
1,2,Townsman,"God damn, that's a big fat ass!
"
1,2,Cartman,"Hey!
"
1,2,Wendy,"Hi guys.
"
1,2,Cartman,"Oh look, another hippie.  Peace, Wendy.
"
1,2,Stan,"Shut up Cartman!
"
1,2,Cartman,"Oooh, Two little hippies sit'n' in a tree...
"
1,2,Wendy,"I'm gonna find Cartman's paper and get to the bottom of this. 
"
1,2,Jimbo,"Can I help you?
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Yes, I need a gun.
"
1,2,Jimbo,"Would this be for hunting, home protection, or other?
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Other.
"
1,2,Jimbo,"Alrighty then! May I suggest a Stratford 12mm? Here, try it on!  That looks really nice on you. The lacquered black really matches your eyes.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"You talkin' to me?  You talkin' to me? I don't know, it's a little small.
"
1,2,Jimbo,"Okay, how about this?
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"You talkin' to me?  Hmm, no, I don't like this one either.
"
1,2,Jimbo,"Here's the same gun, with a wood finish.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"You talkin' to me? I don't see anybody else around here, so you must be talkin' to me.  I'll take it!
"
1,2,Wendy,"Hello?  My essay by Eric Cartman: ""When I wrote the following pages, or rather the bulk of them, I lived alone in the woods on the shore of...""
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Well, Mr. Hat, I guess ole Kathie Lee really will be surprised when she gets here tomorrow. She beat us in the talent show all those years ago. And I think we owe her for that. Babang!
"
1,2,Wendy,"Oh my God.
"
1,2,Townsman,"Howdy Mr. Garrison, nice gun.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Thank you.
"
1,2,Townswoman,"Nice gun Mr. Garrison.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Thanks.  Hello Officer Barbrady.
"
1,2,Officer Barbrady,"Nice Gun.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Thanks. Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good, clear shot - uh, view - of Kathie Lee.
"
1,2,Officer Barbrady,"Hmmmm. You know, I think the book depository would be a good bet.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Yes, that might do quite nicely. Thank you Officer Barbrady.
"
1,2,Officer Barbrady,"No problem.  Hah! Caught you red handed. No Pictures of Kathie Lee.
"
1,2,Mayor,"Where is she?
"
1,2,Cartman,"This is sweet. Camera crews are setting up and I'm looking totally ripped. Beefcake. Beefcake!
"
1,2,Kyle,"I don't think they're going to be able to get all of you in frame Cartman.
"
1,2,Wendy,"You guys, we have to stop him!
"
1,2,Kyle,"Stop who?
"
1,2,Wendy,"Mr. Garrison. He's going to try to kill Kathie Lee Gifford.
"
1,2,Cartman,"Oh no you don't, you're not going to ruin my moment of fame.
"
1,2,Wendy,"He's got a gun!
"
1,2,Cartman,"You got to get over this whole jealousy thing. Eh, seriously. Just face it, I wrote a better paper than you.
"
1,2,Wendy,"It just so happens that I have your paper, and I know why you won! There's something more important right now. Let's go!
"
1,2,Stan,"Wendy, you got to prioritize. What's more important? Being on TV or some stupid assassination?
"
1,2,Wendy,"Stan, I can't do it alone. Please? 
"
1,2,Kyle,"Uh oh, we're losing him. 
"
1,2,Mayor,"Here she comes. 
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Damn, I guess I'm not the only person in America who's thought of killing Kathie Lee Gifford.
"
1,2,Townswoman,"We love you Kathie Lee, heh heh
"
1,2,Kathie Lee,"I love you, too.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Come on you little bitch.  You got to come out of your precious bubble sooner or later, missy.
"
1,2,Mayor,"It is with great pride and honor that I'd like to welcome Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to South Park.
"
1,2,Chef,"Thank you Mr. Mayor. You know Kathie Lee, you are a very special woman. I don't mean special in a Mary Tyler Moore way. Or, or special in an Extra Value Meal at Happy Burger way. Noo nononono. I mean special. Like the song of a, a humming bird as it gets ready to find that female hummingbird and make sweet love to it all night long. Just two humming birds moaning and, and groaning and, and their bodies caress and touch each other in ecstasy.
Oh, Kathie Lee, how I'd love to lay you down.
And lick every inch of your body with my tongue.
"
1,2,Mayor,"What?
"
1,2,Chef,"Kathie Lee, you're my sexual fantasy.
"
1,2,Mayor,"What? Oh God!
"
1,2,Chef,"How 'bout you and me-
"
1,2,Mayor,"Uh, Thank you Chef, for that heartwarming song.
"
1,2,Chef,"-get together and make... sweet... love?
"
1,2,Mayor,"Thank you Chef! 
"
1,2,Chef,"Oh, oh. God bless you Kathie Lee!
"
1,2,Wendy,"Officer Barbrady, Mr. Garrison is about to kill Kathie Lee! We have to find him!
"
1,2,Officer Barbrady,"What? You mean the teacher? Wait a minute. 
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good, clear shot - uh, view - of Kathie Lee.
"
1,2,Officer Barbrady,"Hmm, you know, I think the book depository would be a good bet—I think the book depository would be a good bet—book depository—depository—depository—depository ...
"
1,2,Officer Barbrady,"Damn, he could be anywhere! I'll send out an APB!
"
1,2,Stan,"Wendy, look! 
"
1,2,Mayor,"And now, here to present the award for the environmental essay to our own, Eric Kaufman...
"
1,2,Cartman,"Cartman, God damn it.
"
1,2,Mayor,"...is your favorite celebrity, and mine  Kathie Lee Gifford! 
"
1,2,Kathie Lee,"Thank you. And I love you all.
"
1,2,Stan,"Mr. Garrison, stop!
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Leave us. We must finish what we have begun.
"
1,2,Wendy,"I know that she's hurt you. She's hurt a lot of people.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"You can't know.
"
1,2,Wendy,"You should have won that talent show.
"
1,2,Kathie Lee,"It is with great honor and pride that I present the winner his trophy. Eric, would you please come up here?
"
1,2,Cartman,"Here it is, my big moment of fame.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"...and then she finished it all by throwing her voice with two dummies at once.
"
1,2,Wendy,"I know that Mr. Garrison, but this isn't the answer.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"It is, too late for me, young Wendy.
"
1,2,Wendy,"You see, I've learned something today. You can't win all the time. And if you don't win, you certainly can't hold it against the person who did, because that's the only way you ever really lose.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"You... you're right.
"
1,2,Wendy,"Gooood.
"
1,2,Stan,"Man, did she really throw her voice with two dummies at once?
"
1,2,Mr. Hat,"The bitch must die!
"
1,2,Kathie Lee,"Ooohhhh! 
"
1,2,Kenny,"(Oh no!) 
"
1,2,Kyle,"Huh, Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You bastard! 
"
1,2,Agent 1,"Gun!
"
1,2,Agent 2,"Gun!
"
1,2,Kyle,"Hey, come back! We didn't even get to do our play. 
"
1,2,TV Crew Director,"I guess that's it, guys. Wrap it up.
"
1,2,Cartman,"Hey! Wait a minute! When do I get to be on television?
"
1,2,TV Crew Director,"Forget it kid. No Kathie Lee, no public interest.
"
1,2,Cartman,"But I won the environmental essay contest.
"
1,2,Wendy,"You don't deserve to win Cartman. And you know it.  I'm holding Cartman's award winning paper. It's actually nothing more than Walden, with Henry David Thoreau's name crossed out, and Cartman's name written in its place.
"
1,2,Townsman 1,"Who cares?
"
1,2,Townsman 2,"Yeah, Kathie Lee Gifford's gone.
"
1,2,Stan,"Wha, What about, not holding anything against the person who wins?
"
1,2,Wendy,"Well, not if it's Cartman.  Hey, where are you all going!  They don't even know what Walden is.  I bet if Walden was a sitcom you'd all know what it was.
"
1,2,Stan,"Come on Wendy, Kyle's mom will make us tuna fish sandwiches.
"
1,2,Wendy,"Ah, what the hell. 
"
1,2,Mayor,"Nohoho nooo. Now I'll be stuck in this podunk town forever, with all these stupid hick, redneck, jobless, truck driving idiots!
"
1,2,Aide 1,"Uh, Mayor, the mic is on.
"
1,2,Officer Barbrady,"Thought you could get away with it, eh Mr. Hat?
"
1,2,Mr. Hat,"Well, I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids.
"
1,2,Officer Barbrady,"You're lucky that you missed Kathie Lee and nobody got hurt. 
"
1,2,Stan,"We hope you can come back to school real soon Mr. Garrison.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Well children, I'd love to, but the doctor say that Mr. Hat needs more therapy.
"
1,2,Mr. Hat,"We can still get her! Let mmm--
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"I'm just so sorry that I ruined everyone's chances for being on TV.
"
1,2,Kyle,"Not Cartman, he gets to be on TV anyway.
"
1,2,Mr. Garrison,"Really, on what?
"
1,2,Geraldo,"Obesity, adiposity, corpulence... Whatever word you use, it represents one thing: Being a big fat ass. We have with us today, live via satellite, Eric Cartman from South Park, who is now so obese he can't even get out of his house.
"
1,2,Cartman,"When is this going to be on the air?
"
1,2,Geraldo,"Is there anything you'd like to say to people out there?
"
1,2,Cartman,"Follow your dreams, you can reach your goals; I'm living proof. Beefcake. Beefcake!
"
1,2,Chef,"He needs to run his ass around the block a few times.
"
1,2,Kathie Lee,"Hmmm, how about a little more of that good lovin' Chef?
"
1,2,Chef,"Damn woman, I just gave you sweet loving five minutes ago. You trying to kill me?
"
1,3,Liane,"Now you be careful, Eric. The woods can be very dangerous.
"
1,3,Cartman,"Okay, Mom.
"
1,3,Kyle,"Ready to go hunting, Cartman?
"
1,3,Stan,"Yeah, my Uncle Jimbo says we gotta get up there early. Right, Uncle Jimbo?
"
1,3,Jimbo,"That's right, Stanley. Animals are much easier to shoot in the morning.
"
1,3,Liane,"Here hon, I packed you some cheesy poofs and happy tarts.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Don't worry Mrs. Cartman, we'll take good care of him. I brought my old war buddy Ned to keep things safe.
"
1,3,Ned,"Hello, Mrs. Cartman. How are you today?
"
1,3,Liane,"Be sure to use lots of bug spray, and if you have to poo-poo, don't wipe with poison ivy. 
"
1,3,Cartman,"Dude, that's sick mom.
"
1,3,Liane,"And I know it can get scary up in those woods, but just remember, mommy's not far away. 
"
1,3,Cartman,"Drive, Drive!
"
1,3,Liane,"You give your mommy a kissy.
"
1,3,Cartman,"Drive the car damn-it, drive!
"
1,3,Kyle,"Don't get scared up in the mountains Cartman.
"
1,3,Cartman,"Shut up, I'm not scared of nothing.
"
1,3,Stan,"Maybe your mom can give me a kiss too, Cartman.
"
1,3,Kenny,"(Maybe she'll suck my dick)
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Oh, ho, that's disgusting.
"
1,3,Cartman,"You piece of crap, I'll kill you! 
"
1,3,Jimbo,"That's the spirit boys, let's get that testosterone flowin'.
"
1,3,Cartman,"Eeeh!  
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Now boys, boys, ah-I need to get serious for a minute. I want you to understand a few basic rules of hunting, since this is your first time. First, don't ever walk with your gun unless the safety's on. Second, don't shoot anything that looks human, and third, never spill your beer in the bullet chamber.
"
1,3,Stan,"Uh, Uncle Jimbo, we don't drink beer.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"You what?!?
"
1,3,Ned,"Moh Yeah, that's right, I don't think eight year old kids drink beer, mmm.
"
1,3,Kyle,"I like chocolate milk.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Well, we'll be doing plenty of drinking on this trip; After all, hunting sober is like … fishing … sober. It sure will be nice to get out of the city for a while, away from civilization.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Well, here we are. Okay, each of you young 'uns take a gun, a beer and some smokes.
"
1,3,Cartman,"Hey, I didn't get a gun.  Sweet. This is like the gun I used in 'Nam
"
1,3,Stan,"You weren't in Vietnam, Cartman.
"
1,3,Ned,"Were you stationed in De Nang?
"
1,3,Stan,"Cartman always makes stuff up, Ned. You can't believe anything he says.
"
1,3,Cartman,"Hey, I'll blow your friggin' head off.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Hey, look out son, that's dangerous. You're gonna spill your beer.
"
1,3,Stan,"My Uncle Jimbo says that after this, he's gonna take me hunting in Africa.
"
1,3,Kyle,"Wow, that'd be cool.
"
1,3,Cartman,"My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Boys, looky there. That there's a Rocky Mountain black bear …one of the few remaining of its kind. Isn't it beautiful… By God, it's coming right for us! 
"
1,3,Stan,"Hey, it wasn't coming right for us. It was just sitting there.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Shhh, not so loud. Now that there's just a technicality.
"
1,3,Kyle,"What do you mean?
"
1,3,Jimbo,"You see boys, the Democrats have passed a lot of laws trying to stop us from hunting.
"
1,3,Cartman,"Democrats piss me off!
"
1,3,Jimbo,"They say we can't shoot certain animals anymore, unless they're posing an immediate threat. Therefore, before we shoot somethin', we have to say 'It's coming right for us.'
"
1,3,Stan,"Wow, you're smart Uncle Jimbo.
"
1,3,Ned,"Mmm, Jimbo look, mm.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Ohho, it's a deer. Looks like about a .46 gauge, Ned. It's coming right for us!  
"
1,3,Cartman,"Kickass!! 
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Did you see that?! I was imperiled by that ferocious, charging buck.
"
1,3,Ned,"Moohh, rabbit, rabbit, 5 o'clock. 
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Let's move, moove! 
"
1,3,Stan,"Is this hunting?
"
1,3,Kyle,"I guess so.
"
1,3,Cartman,"Ah, dude! I'm starting to have flashbacks.
"
1,3,Kyle,"What?!
"
1,3,Cartman,"Danforth, pull up flank! Look out for Charlies- up in the trees!
"
1,3,Jimbo,"This one's yours Stan.  It's coming right for us.
"
1,3,Ned,"It's coming right for us. 
"
1,3,Kyle,"Shoot it Stan.
"
1,3,Cartman,"I got your back, soldier.
"
1,3,Stan,"I can't. 
"
1,3,Jimbo,"What the? What's wrong with you?
"
1,3,Stan,"I don't want to shoot the bunny.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"What the hell are you talking about, you don't want to shoot the bunny? You're babbling, you're not making any sense, you're hysterical.
"
1,3,Stan,"I'm not hysterical, I just don't want to shoot the bunny.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"No nephew of mine is gonna be a tree hugger.
"
1,3,Cartman,"Yeah hippie, go back to Woodstock if you can't shoot anything.
"
1,3,Stan,"I can shoot you, fat ass!
"
1,3,Cartman,"I can shoot you too!
"
1,3,Stan,"I'll kill you!
"
1,3,Cartman,"I'll fill you full of lead!
"
1,3,Kyle,"Hey, what's that?
"
1,3,Randy,"What the heck is this?  Yeah, Frank, it's uh Randy, Uh huh, good, good. Yeah, listen, the uh, the little needle's moving. Yeah, it's going back and forth really fast-what does that mean? … Uh huh … Uh huh … Let me check  Yeah, it's smoking. Uh huh. Oh really? Really? Oh my God! A volcano! 
"
1,3,Cartman,"My weenies won't cook.
"
1,3,Ned,"Mmm, this wood won't burn, umm.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Well, Ned, looks like we'll have to use the old Indian fire trick.
"
1,3,Ned,"Mmm, yepper.  Mmm, aahh, oh.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Hehehaahaa, hey, stop-drop-and roll Ned. Haaahaaaaahaha!! 
"
1,3,"Stan, Kyle","Whoa!
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Goddamnit Ned, I just got that van. How the hell are we supposed to get home?
"
1,3,Ned,"Mmm, oh, it hurts, it hurts, mmm.
"
1,3,Cartman,"Hey you guys, this works pretty good right now.
"
1,3,Chef,"But you see Mr. Mayor, you can't stop serving Salisbury steak in our public schools. What's next, meatloaf?
"
1,3,Mayor,"We are quite aware of your concerns Chef, but… 
"
1,3,Johnson,"Mayor, the geologist is here to see you.
"
1,3,Mayor,"My geologist? Now? Tell him the infection is fine and I don't need another check-up.
"
1,3,Johnson,"No mayor, that's a gynecologist. A geologist studies the earth.
"
1,3,Mayor,"Don't you think I know that? How dare you insult my intellect, I went to Princeton for God's sake! You get out of my office!
"
1,3,Johnson,"I'm not in your office mayor, I'm talking to you through a speaker.
"
1,3,Mayor,"Just send in the geometrist.
"
1,3,Johnson,"Geologist…
"
1,3,Mayor,"You are fired, buddy!
"
1,3,Johnson,"Thank you mayor, it's been great working for you.
"
1,3,Randy,"Mayor, we have got a very big problem. Mt. Evanston is about to erupt.
"
1,3,Mayor,"What does this mean to the town?
"
1,3,Randy,"Well, this graph shows everything from normal to bad.  Right now South Park is here.
"
1,3,Mayor,"My God!
"
1,3,Chef,"Mayor, some of the school children, are up camping, on that mountain, right now!
"
1,3,Mayor,"Ooh, this is big! Johnson, Johnson, are you there? 
"
1,3,Ted,"Uhh, you just fired Johnson, Mayor. I'm his replacement, Ted.
"
1,3,Mayor,"Ted, we have got a major crisis here. I want you to get on the phone and call Inside Edition, Rescue 911-uh, and Entertainment Tonight-eh.  Better get my stylist on the phone too. Don't worry, things are under control.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"You see… Ned picked up the grenade and… BOOM, blasted his arm clear off. We spent three hours looking for that damn arm, but it was never to be found. Some say it's still crawling around to this day.
"
1,3,Ned,"Mmmowwwh. 
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Hah, got ya.
"
1,3,Cartman,"Heh, that's not scary.
"
1,3,Kyle,"You were scared Cartman! you almost peed in your pants!
"
1,3,Cartman,"Shut up, I didn't pee in my pants!
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Hey Ned, hand me that gin.  You boys want to tie one on?
"
1,3,Kyle,"No, No thanks, that stuff tastes like pee.
"
1,3,Stan,"Yeah, Cartman's pee.
"
1,3,Cartman,"Hey, you would taste my pee!
"
1,3,Jimbo,"What the hell's wrong with you? Can't you have a little alcohol?  Christ, look at that little bastard go!  Now you see that Stan? Now, now that is a dirty little bastard!
"
1,3,Stan,"Hey, I'm a dirty little bastard too.
"
1,3,Cartman,"Hey you guys. I know a scary story.
"
1,3,Kyle,"Shut up, Cartman! You can't scare anybody!
"
1,3,Cartman,"Oh yeah? Have you guys ever heard of  Scuzzlebutt?
"
1,3,Stan,"Whatabutt?
"
1,3,Cartman,"Scuzzlebutt is a creature that lives up on this very mountain, and kills anybody who dares climb to the top.
"
1,3,Stan,"Why?
"
1,3,Cartman,"Because, it loves the taste of blood, and likes to add pieces to its deformed body.
"
1,3,Kyle,"Deformed how?
"
1,3,Cartman,"Well, on his left arm, instead of a hand, he has…
"
1,3,Stan,"A hook.
"
1,3,Kyle,"A knife.
"
1,3,Cartman,"No! A piece of celery.
"
1,3,Stan,"Celery?
"
1,3,Cartman,"Yeah, and he walks with a limp. Because one of his legs is missing. And where his leg should be, there's nothing but…Patrick Duffy.
"
1,3,Kyle,"Patrick Duffy? Damn it Cartman, that's not scary!
"
1,3,Cartman,"What do you mean? Have you ever seen Step By Step?  So he lives alone on this mountain, and weaves baskets, and other assorted crafts. They say that on quiet nights you can hear him weaving his baskets. Tahink … tahink … tahink.
"
1,3,Stan,"Cartman, you suck at telling scary stories.
"
1,3,Kyle,"Yeah, give me that flashlight. 
"
1,3,Kenny,"(Hey, what's that?)
"
1,3,Kyle,"What is that?
"
1,3,Stan,"Maybe it's Scuzzlebutt coming to weave us into wicker baskets.
"
1,3,Cartman,"Hey, it might be!
"
1,3,Kyle,"Gosh, I hope he doesn't cut me with his celery hand. 
"
1,3,Cartman,"Screw you guys! … Go to Hell!
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Hey Ned, why don't you whip out the ol' cancer kazoo? Let's do a little song.
"
1,3,Ned,"Abumbayah my lord, kumbayah.
Kumbayah my lord, kumbayah. 
Uumbayah my lord, kumbayah. 
Moh lord, Kumbayah.
Emsomeone's crying my lord, Kumbayah
Someone's crying my lord, Kumbayah...
"
1,3,Cartman,"They don't think Scuzzlebutt is scary huh? Let's see how they like it when they actually see Scuzzlebutt! I'll scare the hell out of them tomorrow!
"
1,3,Ned,"… Someone's crying my lord, Kumbayah.
Moh lord, Kumbayah.
"
1,3,Kyle,"Stan, Stan, wake up!
"
1,3,Stan,"What, dude?
"
1,3,Kyle,"I don't know where Cartman is. I think something took him away.
"
1,3,Stan,"Where's my Uncle Jimbo and Ned?
"
1,3,Kyle,"They're out fishing with Kenny.
"
1,3,Stan,"With Kenny? But, but this is supposed to be my camping trip. Why do they like Kenny so much? Doesn't he like me anymore?
"
1,3,Kyle,"Well Stan, you want to know what I think?
"
1,3,Stan,"What? 
"
1,3,Jimbo,"What a beautiful morning for fishing. There's one, there's a fish right there! 
"
1,3,Ned,"Mmm, got it. 
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Great instincts boy.
"
1,3,Stan,"Uncle Jimbo, Cartman's missing!
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Who? The fat kid?
"
1,3,Stan,"Yeah.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Ah hell, I guess we better go look for him. Ned, we got to cut it short. Fire out the 12-20!  Well, I think that's about the limit for our fishing permit.
"
1,3,Ned,"Moh man it smells like dead fish here.
"
1,3,Kenny,"(A little like a vagina.)
"
1,3,Ned,"Em-moh man, that is nasty.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Heh, I don't think I've ever seen a kid as cool as you Kenny. I'm making you... my honorary nephew.
"
1,3,Kenny,"(Thanks.) 
"
1,3,Newscaster,"The people of South Park are humble and friendly. But now, a ticking timebomb of hot lava waits to engulf these people and end their miserable lives with one last fleeting moment of excruciatingly painful burning agony.
"
1,3,Crowd,"Yeahhh. 
"
1,3,Individual in crowd,"Hey, I'm on TV! I'm on TV!
"
1,3,Newscaster,"Mayor, what are you doing to prepare for this inevitable catastrophe?
"
1,3,Mayor,"All we know right now is that some of our children  are camping on that mountain and... Oh, I'm sorry, can I start over?
"
1,3,Newscaster,"Huh?
"
1,3,Mayor,"You can edit this right? Ready, 3,2,1  All we know right now is that some of our children are up camping on that mountain. We can't do anything until we get them. Okay people, let's go get those kids.
"
1,3,Chef,"Come on everybody. You got to help the children.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Uh, well, he couldn't have gone far, unless something drug him off.
"
1,3,Ned,"There's not many animals out today, Jimbo, mmm.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Yeah, it's almost like something funny's going on.  Christ, Ned, what'd you have for breakfast.
"
1,3,Ned,"Mm I don't know man. I've got some bad gas.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Wait, there's a ram! It's coming right for us!  Nice shootin' Kenny. Here, you need a bigger gun.
"
1,3,Kyle,"Look!
"
1,3,Cartman,"I am Scuzzlebutt, Lord of the Mountains. Behold my Patrick Duffy leg.
"
1,3,Ned,"Mmm, what is it?
"
1,3,Kyle,"Dude, it's Scuzzlebutt! Cartman wasn't lying.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Holy crow! We could make a mint killing this thing.
"
1,3,Ned,"We'll be on the cover of Guns & Ammo.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"This calls for some HJ-14.
"
1,3,Cartman,"Heheh. Those guys are totally scared.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Fire in the hole!
"
1,3,Cartman,"Holy crap! 
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Damn it, I think I missed
"
1,3,Cartman,"What the hell is wrong with you people?!
"
1,3,Jimbo,"C'mon, let's move, move!
"
1,3,Cartman,"Hey, wait, aah!
"
1,3,Mayor,"Is, is it on? Okay. Okay people, form groups and search the mountain. Report back here every hour! You got that?!
"
1,3,Randy,"Mayor, I might have an idea.
"
1,3,Mayor,"Huh, what?
"
1,3,Randy,"If we can dig a very large trench, we can divert the lava into a canyon, and then it would bypass South Park, pretty much completely.
"
1,3,Mayor,"And, that would be good? Alright?
"
1,3,Randy,"Uh - pretty sure.
"
1,3,Mayor,"Well, what are we waiting for. Okay, people, change of plans! Half of you grab shovels!
"
1,3,Jimbo,"These look like its tracks. He must have gone this way. Ned, prepare some HK-12 and some plasticine. I'll bet that sucker's headed for a higher elevation. The higher up it- BIRD!!  The higher up it goes, the better it can breathe.
"
1,3,Kyle,"Look, up there.
"
1,3,Cartman,"You guys, it's just me.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Are we sure it's Scuzzlebutt?
"
1,3,Stan,"Does it have Patrick Duffy for a leg
"
1,3,Jimbo,"I can't tell; let's kill it!
"
1,3,Cartman,"Eh, I gotta get out of this stupid costume.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Kenny, you take the front.
"
1,3,Stan,"No!  I can do it Uncle Jimbo. I want to bag that animal!
"
1,3,Jimbo,"That's the spirit, kiddo. Let's hunt!
"
1,3,Cartman,"You guys, you guys, I was just kidding!
"
1,3,Newscaster,"As some people of South Park try desperately to save their mountain town, others look for the missing townspeople. But all must take every precaution necessary.
"
1,3,Officer Barbrady,"Okay people, listen up. As we near the top of the mountain, the chances of our encountering some lava becomes great. Therefore, I have special-ordered this training film to assist us in volcano safety. Mr. Garrison, if you would please. 
"
1,3,Host,"Harbringers of sorrow, natural disasters can be the cause of troubling and undesirable stress, and the volcano is no exception. But what should you do if a volcano erupts near you or your family? Here we see the Stevens family enjoying a May picnic, but suddenly daughter hears a noise. It's a volcano. Junior seems worried. But have no fear Junior, Jane learned in school what to do when you hear a volcano erupt.  That's right Jane, duck and cover.  So what will you-do when you hear a volcano erupting?  That's right, duck and cover.  Looks like you got the idea.Thank you and goodbye.
"
1,3,Officer Barbrady,"OK, any questions?
"
1,3,Chef,"That has got to be the most ridiculous load of pig crap I have ever seen!
"
1,3,Officer Barbrady,"That's enough out of you!
"
1,3,Stan,"I'm gonna bag Scuzzlebutt. Then we'll see who's the little bastard.
"
1,3,Cartman,"Hey, seriously you guys!
"
1,3,Kyle,"Kill it, Stanley. Kill it.  Come on Stan, kill it.
"
1,3,Stan,"Ah, damn it, I can't do it!
"
1,3,Jimbo,"You pansy! give me that gun.
"
1,3,Cartman,"Hey!
"
1,3,Stan,"Cartman?
"
1,3,Cartman,"Goddammit, don't shoot me!
"
1,3,Jimbo,"What in Sam Hell?
"
1,3,Cartman,"I was just trying to scare you guys, you can put the guns down now.
"
1,3,Ned,"Mmm, so much for the cover of Guns & Ammo.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Yepper, but I think we've learned some important lessons Ned I think that- 
"
1,3,Kyle,"Whoa!
"
1,3,Ned,"Mmm, holy crap.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"The mountain! It's blown it's top! 
"
1,3,Kyle,"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
"
1,3,Kenny,"(Nope, I'm okay.)  (It-aah. It hurts! IT HURTS!)  (Ugh.)
"
1,3,Townsman 1,"Look, the volcano.
"
1,3,Townsman 2,"Quick, duck and cover. 
"
1,3,"Kyle, Stan, Cartman","Aaaaah!
"
1,3,Jimbo,"That lava's coming right for us!! 
"
1,3,Chef,"Oh no, look.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"What the hell is this trench doing here?!? We can't get across!
"
1,3,Newscaster,"It now looks as if the missing children are trapped in the path of hot, nasty lava.
"
1,3,Mayor,"God, please deliver those darling kids from... Wait, wait wait wait. 3,2, and 1. God, please deliv-
"
1,3,Cartman,"Help! 
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Jimminy Hope, it's the real Scuzzlebutt!
"
1,3,Cartman,"What?! Scuzzlebutt's real?!
"
1,3,Kyle,"Oh my God! Look at his leg!
"
1,3,Patrick Duffy,"Hi kids, I'm TV's Patrick Duffy.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Quick Ned, shoot it!
"
1,3,Ned,"Mmmoh no, out of ammo.
"
1,3,Scuzzlebutt,"Grrrr.
"
1,3,Mayor,"What... is that thing?
"
1,3,Chef,"That's Scuzzlebutt.
"
1,3,Mr. Garrison,"Yeah, he has Patrick Duffy for a leg, and weaves baskets.
"
1,3,Officer Barbrady,"This isn't happening. Everyone look away please. Nothing to see here.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Well boys, I'm sorry I got you all killed. 
"
1,3,Kyle,"Aaaaah! 
"
1,3,Stan,"Whoa, he built a wicker basket
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Hey, he's saving us.
"
1,3,Scuzzlebutt,"Grrr.
"
1,3,Liane,"Scuzzlebutt saved the day.
"
1,3,Randy,"And my calculations worked: the lava is following the trench into the canyon.
"
1,3,Mayor,"Hmmm. Where exactly does the canyon go?
"
1,3,Randy,"Uhh...
"
1,3,Denver citizens,"Aaaaah.
"
1,3,Mr. Garrison,"South Park is saved. 
"
1,3,Kyle,"Hey look, Kenny's okay.
"
1,3,Kenny,"(Hey guys, come here.)
"
1,3,Newscaster,"And now these humble people can rejoice and celebrate their jovial victory over nature. I'm getting word that the chef of the school cafeteria wants to sing a song about this thrilling struggle of humanity.
"
1,3,Chef,"Mmmm
Baby, every time that we kiss
Hot Lava!
Every time that we make love, hot lava
Hot Lava!
Lava so hot it makes me sweat
Lava so warm and red and wet
Lava!
Brrrrrrrrrrrr.
"
1,3,Newscaster,"Mayor, what do you have to say about this wonderful outcome?
"
1,3,Mayor,"Well, we owe everything to this friendly, yet misunderstood creature. Thank you Scuzzlebutt.
"
1,3,Scuzzlebutt,"Friend. 
"
1,3,Mayor,"Oh, how sweet.
"
1,3,Stan,"I did it, I did it, I finally killed something. 
"
1,3,Newscaster,"Oh my God! What has he done?
"
1,3,Mayor,"Turn off the cameras!
"
1,3,Stan,"Hey, that was easy!
"
1,3,Patrick Duffy,"Noooo! Why God? Why?!
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Damn it Stan, you shouldn't have done that!
"
1,3,Stan,"What?! Why?!
"
1,3,Kyle,"Yeah, make up your mind, dude!
"
1,3,Jimbo,"Stan, some things you kill, and some things you don't. See?
"
1,3,Stan,"No.
"
1,3,Ned,"Moh, only now in this late hour do I see the folly of guns. Mmm, I'll never use a gun again, mmm. 
"
1,3,Kenny,"(Oh, no!) 
"
1,3,Stan,"But I just wanted you to be proud of me, like you were with Kenny.
"
1,3,Jimbo,"But Kenny's dead now, Stan, and you're always going to be my nephew. And you can't just kill anything. You understand?
"
1,3,Kyle,"Dude, I don't understand hunting at all.
"
1,3,Stan,"Yeah,  it's stupid. Let's go watch cartoons.
"
1,3,Cartman,"Yeah, cartoons kick ass! 
"
1,4,Kyle,"Hey, where's the school bus? We're gonna be late for football practice. 
"
1,4,Stan,"Hiya, Sparky.
"
1,4,Kyle,"Who's that?
"
1,4,Stan,"That's my new dog Sparky. He followed me to the bus stop.
"
1,4,Kyle,"Wow! Cool!
"
1,4,Stan,"Good dog, Sparky. Who's my best buddy? Who's the boy? Who's the buddy?
"
1,4,Cartman,"Eh. You're making me sick, dude.
"
1,4,Stan,"He's part Doberman and part wolf. He's the toughest dog on the mountain.
"
1,4,Cartman,"No way. Everybody knows that Sylvester is the toughest dog in South Park.
"
1,4,Sylvester,"Arrrrrr
"
1,4,Stan,"He's not meaner than Sparky.
"
1,4,Cartman,"Oh yeah, let's see. Hey, Sylvester. 
"
1,4,Stan,"Sparky'll kick his ass.
"
1,4,Cartman,"I'll put a dollar on Sylvester.
"
1,4,Kyle,"You're on, dude. 
"
1,4,Stan,"That's it, Sparky! Kick his ass! 
"
1,4,Cartman,"Heh, he's doing something to his ass. He's not kicking his ass, but he's definitely doing something to his ass.
"
1,4,Stan,"Sparky, bad dog!
"
1,4,Kenny,"(Oh my God, I think they're screwing.)
"
1,4,Stan,"What?!
"
1,4,Cartman,"Yeah dude, I think your dog is gay.
"
1,4,Stan,"What do you mean?
"
1,4,Cartman,"That dog is a gay homosexual.
"
1,4,Stan,"He's just confused.
"
1,4,Kyle,"I think the other dog's the one that's confused.
"
1,4,Kenny,"(No, check his penis) 
"
1,4,Stan,"Sick, shut up dude. 
"
1,4,Cartman,"Stan's dog's a homo. Stan's dog's a homo. 
"
1,4,Chef,"Okay children, I know that you're all extremely excited and nervous and anxious about the homecoming game against the Middle Park.
"
1,4,Kyle,"Who's Middle Park?
"
1,4,Cartman,"What's homecoming?
"
1,4,Chef,"But just remember what I taught you. That football is like making love to a reeeeeally beautiful woman. You can't always score, but when you do, it makes all the trying worthwhile.  Now, let's start practice. 
"
1,4,Pip,"Uh, Mr. Chef sir?
"
1,4,Chef,"Yes Pip, what is it?
"
1,4,Pip,"Well, I still don't have a helmet.
"
1,4,Chef,"I know Pip, the school can't afford helmets for everybody.
"
1,4,Pip,"Yes, but, couldn't we rotate who doesn't have a helmet every week? Does it always have to be me?
"
1,4,Chef,"Yes Pip, I'm afraid it does.
"
1,4,Pip,"Oh.
"
1,4,Chef,"Sorry son, now get your ass in there.
"
1,4,Stan,"Hut-hut-hut-hut-hut--hut. hut. hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut.
"
1,4,Chef,"Hike the damn ball! 
"
1,4,Pip,"Aaaaaaaargh!
"
1,4,Jimbo,"Hey, how's practice coming there Chef?
"
1,4,Chef,"Huh? Oh fine, fine.
"
1,4,Jimbo,"I don't have to remind you just how important this game is to us South Park Alumni.
"
1,4,Chef,"Elementary school alumni?
"
1,4,Jimbo,"That's as far as most of us got. You think we have a shot at beating the spread against Middle Park this year?
"
1,4,Chef,"I don't know. Wha- what's the spread?
"
1,4,Jimbo,"Middle Park by 70 points.
"
1,4,Chef,"Hmmm.  I don't think we have a chance.
"
1,4,Jimbo,"Nonsense! Not with my nephew at quarterback. Right Stanley?
"
1,4,Stan,"Huh? 
"
1,4,Jimbo,"Thatta boy.
"
1,4,Chef,"Great pass Stan.
"
1,4,Jimbo,"Come on Ned, we gotta get our asses to the bookie.
"
1,4,Chef,"Okay. That was a good practice children. We'll see you here again tomorrow.
"
1,4,Kyle,"Hey Stan, isn't that your dog?
"
1,4,Stan,"Yeah, he must have followed me to football practice. You see, he is smart.
"
1,4,Clyde,"Ah, my dog Rex follows me to football practice all the time.
"
1,4,Stan,"Yeah, but my dog found his own way here. That makes him smarter than your-  Sparky, get down!
"
1,4,Clyde,"Oh my God! What is he doing to my dog?
"
1,4,Cartman,"There he goes again.
"
1,4,Stan,"Get down Sparky! Down!
"
1,4,Cartman,"Stan forgot to mention that his dog is a gay homosexual.
"
1,4,Clyde,"Make him stop!
"
1,4,Rex,"Yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe!
"
1,4,Fosse,"I'm sure glad my dog isn't gay.
"
1,4,Bill,"Yeah, maybe you should name your dog Sparkette, Stan.
"
1,4,Fosse,"Gay dog. 
"
1,4,Cartman,"...And so you see, Simon & Simon were not brothers in real life, only on television.
"
1,4,Mr. Garrison,"Thank you for that presentation Eric, but the assignment was on Asian cultures. You get a ""D-"".
"
1,4,Cartman,"Ah, dammit!
"
1,4,Mr. Garrison,"Who should we call on next Mr. Hat?
"
1,4,Mr. Hat,"Well, how about Stan, our little South Park quarterback star?
"
1,4,Mr. Garrison,"Oh, good idea. Okay Stanley, you're next.
"
1,4,Stan,"Um, I'm not really prepared either.
"
1,4,Mr. Garrison,"Well, just make something up, like Eric did.
"
1,4,Stan,"Okay, uh. Asian culture has, plagued our fragile earth for many years. We must end it-
"
1,4,Mr. Garrison,"Excellent. ""A-"".
"
1,4,Cartman,"Eeyy!
"
1,4,Stan,"Wow, cool!
"
1,4,Cartman,"Wait a minute, why the hell does he get an ""A-""?
"
1,4,Mr. Garrison,"Eric, Stanley just might lead our team to victory against the Middle Park Cowboys for the first time in decades. And we treat star athletes better 'cause they're better people.
"
1,4,Cartman,"That's not fair!
"
1,4,Mr. Hat,"Life isn't fair kiddo, get used to it.
"
1,4,Cartman,"Stupid puppet. 
"
1,4,Mr. Garrison,"Don't forget your assignments tonight children, they're due tomorrow for everybody but Stan.
"
1,4,Stan,"Mr. Garrison, can I ask you a question?
"
1,4,Mr. Garrison,"Well of course Stanley, what is it?
"
1,4,Stan,"What's a - homosexual?
"
1,4,Mr. Garrison,"Hoh, well, Stanley, I guess you came to the right person. Sit down.  Stanley, gay people... well- gay people are evil. Evil right down to their cold black hearts, which pump not blood like yours and mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Naziesque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?
"
1,4,Stan,"I guess.
"
1,4,Mr. Garrison,"Good, I'm glad we could have this little talk Stanley. Now you go outside and practice football like a good little heterosexual.
"
1,4,Cartman,"You guys see me block that defense today, I was kicking ass.
"
1,4,Kyle,"You're gonna need to kick more ass than that to beat the Cowboys.
"
1,4,Cartman,"Hey, speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's little homo dog.
"
1,4,Stan,"Shut up dude!  Sparky, where'd you get that pink scarf?
"
1,4,Sparky,"Bark, bark.
"
1,4,Cartman,"Man, that is the gayest dog I've ever seen.
"
1,4,Stan,"He just needs some training, that's all. Sit Sparky.  Good boy, now shake.  Goood boy. Now, don't be gay.  Don't be gay Spark. Don't be gay. 
"
1,4,Kyle,"Did it work?
"
1,4,Stan,"I don't know.
"
1,4,Cartman,"He still looks pretty gay to me.
"
1,4,Bill,"Huh, huh.
"
1,4,Fosse,"Hey Stan, your dog been to any Pride marches lately?
"
1,4,Bill,"Huh huh, meh, yeah, maybe you should take him to a Barbara Streisand concert.  Stupid little gay dog.
"
1,4,Fosse,"Gay dog.
"
1,4,Stan,"Come on you guys, I have an idea.
"
1,4,Jimbo,"I want $500 on the South Park Cows.
"
1,4,Bookie,"Are you crazy?
"
1,4,Jimbo,"No siree. I'm telling you, I got the line. My nephew Stan is the best quarterback the school has ever seen. I guarantee they'll beat the spread.
"
1,4,Gambler 1,"I want to put all my money on the Cows.
"
1,4,Gambler 2,"Duh, duh, I think I'll put 300 on the Cows too.
"
1,4,Gambler 3,"Hey, I want to put some money on the Cows too.
"
1,4,Female Gambler 1,"I got 500 on the Cows.
"
1,4,Female Gambler 2,"Well, I'll put my money on the Cows.
"
1,4,Jimbo,"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't get too carried away now...
"
1,4,Gambler 4,"You better be right about this Jimbo.
"
1,4,Jimbo,"Hehe, yeah. Don't- don't worry yourself.
"
1,4,Ned,"Are you sure Stan is that good?
"
1,4,Jimbo,"Not that sure. I think we better come up with a backup plan. Uhh, let's see here. Hey, bookie! Wha- what's the halftime show gonna be?
"
1,4,Bookie,"You haven't heard?! John Stamos' older brother Richard Stamos is gonna sing 'Loving You'.
"
1,4,Ned,"I love that song.
"
1,4,Jimbo,"'Loving You'? That's perfect! Come on Ned, Middle Park's gonna get a Halftime show they'll never forget.
"
1,4,Stan,"Okay Sparky, we got you a present. Now why don't-  Damn it Sparky, where do you keep getting this thing?!  No pink bandannas Sparky, bad dog! Now pay attention. Sparky, this is Fifi. 
"
1,4,Kyle,"Oolala 
"
1,4,Cartman,"There he goes.
"
1,4,Stan,"Atta boy Spark, get her.  Yes!  Ah crap! Now what do I do?
"
1,4,Kyle,"Who cares if your dog is gay? Maybe it's not that bad.
"
1,4,Cartman,"No way dude, my mom says God hates gay people. That's why he smote those sodomies in France.
"
1,4,Kenny,"(I think that Garrison said that gay people suck.)
"
1,4,Stan,"I know Mr. Garrison said that homosexuals are evil, but, but Sparky doesn't seem evil.
"
1,4,Kyle,"Well, maybe Mr. Garrison is wrong. You should ask somebody else.
"
1,4,Stan,"Like who?
"
1,4,TV Announcer,"And now back to Jesus and Pals on South Park public access.
"
1,4,Jesus,"Yea, many of you are seeking answers, and I am the way for you my children. Let's open the phone lines back up for some questions... Hello caller, you're on the air. 
"
1,4,Robert,"Yeah, is, is this Jesus?
"
1,4,Jesus,"Yes my son.
"
1,4,Robert,"This, this is Robert from Torrey Pines. I called last week asking for advice on my ex-wife.
"
1,4,Jesus,"Of course Robert. How are things now?
"
1,4,Robert,"Well, every, everything's much better Jesus. She hasn't mouthed off since. I just wanted to thank you for the advice. Oh, and for, for dying for my sins, that was really nice of you.
"
1,4,Jesus,"Blessed art thou, Robert. Next caller, you're on the air. 
"
1,4,Stan,"Uh, hi, Jesus. I, I have a dog, and he's a- he's a homosexual.
"
1,4,Jesus,"My son, a lot of people have wondered what my stance on homosexuality is. So I'd like to state once and for all, my true opinion. You see-
"
1,4,TV Announcer,"That's all the time we've left for Jesus and Pals, now stay tuned for Marty's Movie Reviews.
"
1,4,Stan,"Damn it!
"
1,4,Kyle,"What'd he say?
"
1,4,Stan,"I got cut off for Marty's stupid Movie Reviews.
"
1,4,Cartman,"Oh, Marty's Movie Reviews are on, kick ass!
"
1,4,Stan,"Isn't there anybody who can help me? Isn't there anybody who cares?
"
1,4,Kyle,"Come on dude, we have to get to practice.
"
1,4,Stan,"No, it's not okay! I don't want a gay dog!  I want a butch dog! I want a Rin-tin-tin! 
"
1,4,Chef,"Now children, we've got to handle the ball better. You got to hold your football like you hold your lover.  Gently, yet firmly. You wanna be both nurturing and clinging at the same time. Oh yeah! 
Just like makin' sweet love to the football.
Feelin' naughty with the football.
Mmmm.
"
1,4,Kyle,"Uh, Chef?
"
1,4,Chef,"Spank it, ever so gently.
"
1,4,Kyle,"Chef.
"
1,4,Chef,"Spank it.
"
1,4,Kyle,"Chef!
"
1,4,Chef,"Oh, uhuhh, sorry children. Uhuh, let's run some plays.
"
1,4,Pip,"Uh, Mr. Chef sir?
"
1,4,Chef,"No Pip, we still don't have a helmet for you.
"
1,4,Pip,"Righto, but how about I use a helmet today, and one of the other children goes without?
"
1,4,Chef,"That wouldn't be very fair to the other children, now would it?
"
1,4,Pip,"No um, I guess not.
"
1,4,Jimbo,"What we'll have to do here Carl is put a trigger on that bomb that makes it go off at a specific moment during halftime.
"
1,4,Carl,"What moment would that be?
"
1,4,Jimbo,"Well, John Stamos' older brother is all set to sing 'Loving You' during halftime. We want that bomb to go off when he hits that high F.
"
1,4,Carl,"What high F?
"
1,4,Jimbo,"You know, Loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo... Aaaaah
"
1,4,Carl,"Right, right, so you want the trigger on the doo-nn-doo?
"
1,4,Jimbo,"No, dammit! The Aaaaah.
"
1,4,Carl,"Aaaaahh.
"
1,4,Ned,"Aaaaahh.
"
1,4,Jimbo,"Aaaaahh.
"
1,4,Carl,"Aaaaahh.
"
1,4,Jimbo,"Great, we...
"
1,4,Carl,"Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo - Aaah.
"
1,4,Ned,"Doo-nn-doo-doo
"
1,4,Jimbo,"You got it...
"
1,4,Carl,"Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo...
"
1,4,Ned,"aaa - dooo
"
1,4,Jimbo,"Aaaaahh.
"
1,4,Carl,"Alright, yeah, okay...
"
1,4,Chef,"What's the matter Stan, you seem down.
"
1,4,Stan,"I just, I can't concentrate 'cause my dog is gay.
"
1,4,Chef,"Well, you know what they say: you can't teach a gay dog straight tricks.
"
1,4,Mr. Garrison,"Oh, stop filling his head with that queer-loving propaganda.
"
1,4,Chef,"Say what?! You of all people should be sympathetic.
"
1,4,Mr. Garrison,"What do you mean?
"
1,4,Chef,"Well, you're gay aren't you?
"
1,4,Mr. Garrison,"What?! What the hell are you talking about?! I am not gay.
"
1,4,Chef,"Well, you sure do act like it.
"
1,4,Mr. Garrison,"I just act that way to get chicks, dumb ass. 
"
1,4,Kyle,"What's the matter dude?
"
1,4,Stan,"I don't know where Sparky is. He usually follows me to football practice.
"
1,4,Cartman,"Maybe he went shopping for some leather pants.  Ow!
"
1,4,Big Gay Al,"Hello there little pup, I'm Big Gay Al.  Have you been outcast?  Well, then I'm so glad you found my Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. We're all big gay friends here. Would you like to live with us?  Come on in little fellow, nobody will ever oppress you here.
"
1,4,Stan,"Have you guys seen Sparky, he still hasn't come back.
"
1,4,Kyle,"Wow, it's been like two days.
"
1,4,Stan,"I think he might've run away.
"
1,4,Cartman,"Did you check the shopping ma-  Ow!
"
1,4,Kyle,"We'll help you look for him after the game Stan.
"
1,4,Stan,"I'm not playing.
"
1,4,Kyle,"You what?!
"
1,4,Stan,"I'm not playing in that stupid game. I have to find my dog. 
"
1,4,Jimbo,"Come on Ned, and keep quiet.
"
1,4,Ned,"Okay 
"
1,4,Jimbo,"Hello there, Enrique.
"
1,4,Ned,"What are we doing here?
"
1,4,Jimbo,"Well Ned, we always kidnapped Middle Park's mascot. But this year we're gonna booby-trap it instead.  And when John Stamos' older brother hits that high F in Loving You, Boom!  No more Middle Park players. 
"
1,4,Ned,"Hahahahaha. Hahahahaha.
"
1,4,Jimbo,"God damn, I love football!
"
1,4,Stan,"Sparky! Where are you?! Where could he be?
"
1,4,Cowboys,"Kill that Ken! Kill that Ken!
"
1,4,Frank Hammond,"Hello everyone, this is Frank Hammond, South Park public radio, AM 900, Welcome to tonight's match-up between the Middle Park Cowboys and the South Park Cows.  Well, it looks like Chef, the South Park Cows coach looks a little nervous. This is probably because his star quarterback has yet to show up.
"
1,4,Chef,"Oohh, come on Stan.
"
1,4,Pip,"Uh, Mr. Chef, if Stanley doesn't show up, can I use his helmet?
"
1,4,Chef,"No Pip, I'm sorry!
"
1,4,Stan,"Sparky! Sparky!
"
1,4,Referee,"Play ball.
"
1,4,Chef,"You're gonna have to quarterback, Kyle.
"
1,4,Kyle,"But I never practiced quarterback.
"
1,4,Chef,"It's a little late for that bullcrap now.
"
1,4,Frank,"Filling in for quarterback is number 12, Kyle Broflovski.
"
1,4,Mr. Garrison,"Heyhey, where is little Stanley?
"
1,4,Mr. Hat,"Yeah, why the hell is that little Jewish kid playing quarterback?
"
1,4,Jimbo,"Ned, look.  They've got Enrique on their sideline, and it looks like that bomb's still attached.
"
1,4,Ned,"Yay.
"
1,4,Big Gay Al,"Hi little fella, how are you doing today?
"
1,4,Stan,"Fine, how are you?
"
1,4,Big Gay Al,"I'm super, thanks for asking.
"
1,4,Stan,"My gay dog ran away, and I was wondering if maybe he came here.
"
1,4,Big Gay Al,"Well, let's see. Come on in. Hmm. 
"
1,4,Stan,"D'you have lots of gay dogs here?
"
1,4,Big Gay Al,"We have all sorts of gay animals here at Big Gay Al's. Over here we have a gay lion. 
"
1,4,Gay Lion,"Rooaar
"
1,4,Big Gay Al,"And we have gay water buffalo, gay hummingbirds, here's a gaggle of gay gooses. Hi fellas, it's so super to see you!
"
1,4,Stan,"Wow, seems like the animals here are really happy.
"
1,4,Big Gay Al,"Of course they are, silly buns. It's the one place where gay animals can really be themselves. Would you like to dance? 
"
1,4,Vocalist,"Oww, we can both be gay!
"
1,4,Kyle,"Cartman, you hike me the ball, then somebody run, and I'll throw it at something. Ready?!
"
1,4,Huddle,"Break!
"
1,4,Cowboy 1,"You guys are toast.
"
1,4,Cowboy 2,"Yeah, we're gonna pound your heads in.
"
1,4,Cartman,"We'll just see about that.
"
1,4,Kyle,"Set, set.  Damn it Cartman!
"
1,4,Chef,"What's the matter?
"
1,4,Kyle,"Cartman farted!
"
1,4,Cartman,"No I didn't. That was just my shoes.
"
1,4,Chef,"Come on, Cows. We'll get a delay of game penalty.
"
1,4,Kyle,"No way dude!
"
1,4,Chef,"Hike the ball.
"
1,4,Kyle,"Ah, dude, weak.
"
1,4,Cartman,"That's right, you get back there.
"
1,4,Kyle,"Hut.
"
1,4,Frank,"The ball is snapped. Middle Park blitzes.  Fumble, Middle Park gets the ball. they run it in for a TOUCHDOWN! The score is 7-nothing Middle Park, with 14:57 remaining in the first quarter.
"
1,4,Jimbo,"Hell's bells.
"
1,4,Frank,"Why, I haven't seen a beating like that since Rodney King.
"
1,4,Phil,"Now Frank, that's not very PC. You're gonna get us in trouble again.
"
1,4,Frank,"Right, right, uh. I gotta watch that.
"
1,4,Townsman 1,"We lose our money 'cause of your nephew, we're gonna hang you up to dry, Jimbo.
"
1,4,Jimbo,"Don't y'all worry, you just wait till halftime, hehe.
"
1,4,Vocalist,"...both be gay.
"
1,4,Stan,"Sparky! Hiya Sparky, how's it goin'?
"
1,4,Sparky,"Ruff.
"
1,4,Stan,"I missed you old pal, you really had me scared.
"
1,4,Sparky,"Barr.
"
1,4,Stan,"Come on, let's go home. I can still make it in time for the game.  We can work on making you not gay together.  Sparky?
"
1,4,Big Gay Al,"Young man, it appears you still don't understand.
"
1,4,Stan,"What don't I understand?
"
1,4,Big Gay Al,"Come this way, I have to show you something.
"
1,4,Frank,"With just over a minute to go in the half the score is Middle Park Cowboys 52, South Park Cows 0.
"
1,4,Kyle,"Hut, hut. 
"
1,4,Frank,"Oh no, I haven't seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant.
"
1,4,Phil,"Dude! Now that is not cool.
"
1,4,Frank,"Sorry, sorry.
"
1,4,Big Gay Al,"Okay Stan, I think you should get in line for my Big Gay Boat Ride.  Step aboard, Stanley.  Hello everyone, and welcome aboard the Big Gay Boat Ride. On this adventure we'll be seeing the world of gayness throughout time.
"
1,4,Frank,"And the South Park Cows are set to receive...  There's the kick. It's taken by number 23, Kenny McCormick.  He's at the 50, the 40, the 30.
"
1,4,Cowboys,"Hold him, hold him!  Hold him, hold him!
"
1,4,Cowboy,"Yaaah! 
"
1,4,Frank,"The running back is down. I think he's...  Yes, he's been decapitated.
"
1,4,Kyle,"Wha-? Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You Bastards!
"
1,4,Phil,"That's gotta hurt, Frank.
"
1,4,Frank,"How terue!
"
1,4,Chef,"Hey, come on. That was roughing. At least let us scrape him off the field.
"
1,4,Frank,"Looks like the South Park Cows aren't even gonna beat the 72 point spread. Not by a long shot.
"
1,4,Big Gay Al,"You see, gayness has existed since the beginning of time. From the Egyptian pharaohs, to the shoguns of Japan.  Uh oh, look out, it's the oppressors. Christians and Republicans and Nazis, oh my!  Ohhh! Oh God, that was close. Okay, let's steer our Big Gay Boat out of here and into a place where gays are allowed to live freely. 
"
1,4,Boat Ride Singers,"We're all gay, and it's okay
'Cause gay means happy and happy means gay.
We're not sad anymore, cause we're out the closet door.
It's okay, hey, to be gay!
"
1,4,Big Gay Al,"Sooo, what do you think Stan? 
"
1,4,Stan,"This kicks ass! I'm sorry I tried to change you Spark, I just didn't understand. 
"
1,4,Big Gay Al,"Isn't this precious?
"
1,4,Frank,"And now, here to sing the touching song, Loving You is the one and only, John Stamos' brother...
"
1,4,Jimbo,"Alright Richard!
"
1,4,Richard,"Loving you
is easy cause you're beautiful
-doo-n-doo--doo-doooo--
Aaaaa! 
Aaaaa!
"
1,4,Jimbo,"What the hell?!
"
1,4,Richard,"Aaaaa! 
"
1,4,Jimbo,"He didn't sing the high F.
"
1,4,Mr. Garrison,"Richard Stamos can't sing a high F, he always screws it up like this.
"
1,4,Jimbo,"Ned, we are going to get our asses kicked.
"
1,4,Richard,"Lalalalala...
"
1,4,Mr. Garrison,"It's obvious where all the talent in that family went!
"
1,4,Stan,"Thanks for everything Big Gay Al!
"
1,4,Sparky,"Ruff!
"
1,4,Big Gay Al,"No problem kids. Are you sure you don't wanna stay for some toasted cheese sandwiches?
"
1,4,Stan,"No thanks, I've gotta get back for the big football game. Come on boy! 
"
1,4,Big Gay Al,"Oh Stan?  When you get back to town,  tell them about us, will you? Tell them there are gay animals here who need homes, desperately.
"
1,4,Stan,"I will Big Gay Al, I will. 
"
1,4,Big Gay Al,"Ooh, my carrot cake! 
"
1,4,Kyle,"Hike!
"
1,4,Frank,"And these South Park Cows are being absolutely molested by Middle Park. I haven't seen so many children molested since...
"
1,4,Mr. Garrison,"I thought you said beating the spread was a sure thing Jimbo.
"
1,4,Mr. Hat,"Yeah, we all put our life savings in this game.
"
1,4,Townsman,"You're a dead man Jimbo 
"
1,4,Frank,"Well, this should just about wrap it up for-  Wait a minute, what's this?
"
1,4,Jimbo,"Yeah!!!
"
1,4,Crowd Member,"Yohooooh.
"
1,4,Frank,"It's Stan, the South Park star quarterback!
"
1,4,Chef,"Where the hell have you been Stan?!
"
1,4,Stan,"I've been getting my best friend back.
"
1,4,Chef,"Just get in there boy!
"
1,4,Jimbo,"Give 'em hell Stanley!  Jesus, now I haven't asked you for much, but all we need is one little score. Please? Please, Jesus?
"
1,4,Jesus,"Leave me alone.
"
1,4,Stan,"Hike!
"
1,4,Frank,"Stan hikes the ball. He steps back to pass.
"
1,4,Kyle,"Hey Stan, Ah- I'm open, I think.
"
1,4,Stan,"Mph. 
"
1,4,Frank,"And he throws it to Kyle, the little Jewish kid.
"
1,4,Kyle,"Oof. 
"
1,4,Frank,"Oh my! I haven't seen a Jew run like that since Poland, 1938!
"
1,4,Phil,"Dude! 
"
1,4,Frank,"Touchdown!
"
1,4,Jimbo,"Yeah!
"
1,4,Mr. Garrison,"Wooo!
"
1,4,Frank,"The clock runs out and the final score is Middle Park Cowboys 73, South Park Cows 6. South Park beats the spread! 
"
1,4,Jimbo,"Yeah! Woohoo!
"
1,4,Townsman,"Speech!
"
1,4,Frank,"Stan, what do you want to tell the world about this stunning almost victory?
"
1,4,Stan,"Uh. It, it's really cool that we beat the spread against the Cowboys.
"
1,4,Crowd,"Yeah, alright!
"
1,4,Stan,"And maybe - we can beat 'em even more next year!
"
1,4,Crowd,"Woooo!
"
1,4,Stan,"And it's okay to be gay! 
"
1,4,Jimbo,"What?!
"
1,4,Stan,"Being gay is just part of nature, and a beautiful thing.
"
1,4,Mr. Garrison,"What the hell is he talking about?!
"
1,4,Frank,"Uhh, Stanley, you arrived very late in the game, where were you that whole time?
"
1,4,Stan,"I was with my new friend, Big Gay Al. He showed me his Big Gay Animal Sanctuary, and took me on a Big Gay Boat Ride, where I learned all about the wonders of gaiety.  It's true, I'll show you.
"
1,4,Stan,"But it was here. It was all right here. The, there was a techno dance club.
"
1,4,Cartman,"Stan, you need to lay off the cough syrup, alright, seriously. I'm worried about you man. 
"
1,4,Townswoman,"Oliver, I thought you ran away all those months ago.
"
1,4,Townsperson 1,"Sidney!
"
1,4,Townsperson 2,"Willy!
"
1,4,Townsperson 3,"Carlos!
"
1,4,Big Gay Al,"I want to thank you so much for bringing everybody here.
"
1,4,Stan,"Oh, there you are dude. How's it going?
"
1,4,Big Gay Al,"I'm super, thanks for asking. It looks like now my work here is done.  Goodbye Stanley, peace be with you. 
"
1,4,Stan,"Wow! 
"
1,4,Richard,"You guys, you guys! I can do it.
"
1,4,Mr. Garrison,"Do what?
"
1,4,Richard,"Loving you
is easy cause you're beautiful
doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-dooo
"
1,4,Jimbo,"No!
"
1,4,Richard,"Aaah
"
1,4,Enrique,"Mroo- 
"
1,5,Cartman,"Hey Stan, where'd you get that black eye?
"
1,5,Stan,"Nothing, I mu-I mean, nowhere.
"
1,5,Cartman,"Your sister beat you up again, huh?
"
1,5,Stan,"No!
"
1,5,Cartman,"Eheh, you know, heh, your sister kicked your ass.
"
1,5,Stan,"She's just pissed off 'cause she got headgear at the dentist.  She's taking it out on me.
"
1,5,Kyle,"Yeah, but that sucks, to get your butt kicked by a girl, Stan.
"
1,5,Cartman,"I would never let a woman kick my ass.  If she tried anything, I'd be like, ""hey, you get your bitch ass back in the kitchen, and make me some pie!""
"
1,5,Stan,"My parents don't even believe that she beats me up.  They think she's all innocent and sweet, but I know that she's an evil bitch!
"
1,5,Cartman,"Be a man Stan.  Just say, ""Hey woman, ye-you shut your mouth and make babies.""
"
1,5,Stan,"Hey Kyle, what's that elephant doing?
"
1,5,Kyle,"You mean this one?
"
1,5,Stan,"Yeah.
"
1,5,Kyle,"He's my new pet elephant.
"
1,5,Stan,"Whoa dude!  Where'd you get a pet elephant?
"
1,5,Kyle,"I got it mail ordered from Africa.  The ad said it would take 4 to 6 weeks, but it only took three.
"
1,5,Stan,"Wow, that's cool!
"
1,5,Kyle,"No it's not cool!  My mom won't let me keep him in the house.  She says he's too big, and that his poop is bigger than our couch.
"
1,5,Cartman,"That's why my mom got me a pot-bellied pig.  Cause its poop is small.
"
1,5,Kenny,"(Hey you guys, I talked to Garrison and he told me that they're almost the same.)
"
1,5,Stan,"Well yeah, but pigs aren't smart, like elephants.
"
1,5,Ms. Crabtree,"Hey.  Wait a minute.  What is that thing?
"
1,5,Kyle,"Uh, oh, this, this is, the new retarded kid.
"
1,5,Ms. Crabtree,"Oh—I'm sorry little girl.  But you still can't get on.  You have to take the special ed bus.
"
1,5,Kyle,"Boy, it looks like you're not welcome anywhere elephant.  See ya. 
"
1,5,Cartman,"If a woman ever gave me crap, I'd say, ""Hey, you go do my laundry and-""
"
1,5,Ms. Crabtree,"SIT DOWN KID!!!
"
1,5,Cartman,"Yes ma'am.
"
1,5,Mr. Garrison,"And now children, our friend Mr. Hat is going to tell us all about genetic engineering.
"
1,5,Mr. Hat,"That's right Mr. Garrison, genetic engineering is an exciting new science.  You can splice the DNA from some animals, and make them better.
"
1,5,Kyle,"Mr. Garrison?
"
1,5,Mr. Garrison,"Yes Kyle.
"
1,5,Kyle,"With genetic engineering, can you make an elephant smaller?
"
1,5,Mr. Garrison,"Well, uh, ye, yes, I suppose you could.  You could, splice elephant genes with a dog, or cat, or a, pot-bellied pig genes.
"
1,5,Kyle,"That's it.  I'm going to combine my elephant with a pot-bellied pig and make…pot-bellied elephants.  They'd be smart like elephants, but small like pigs.
"
1,5,Stan,"That'd be cool!
"
1,5,Bebe,"I want a pot-bellied elephant.
"
1,5,Pip,"Yes, I'll pay fifty dollars for one.
"
1,5,Terrance,"That's stupid.
"
1,5,Kyle,"Shut up Terrance, we can geneti-cal engineer anything we want.
"
1,5,Terrance,"Oh yeah, I bet I can genetically clone a whole human being before you crossbreed and elephant and a pig.
"
1,5,Kyle,"I'll bet you can't.
"
1,5,Terrance,"Watch me plebeian.
"
1,5,Mr. Garrison,"Well, spank my ass and call me Charlie.  Isn't this exciting, two A+ students in a cloning war.
"
1,5,Mr. Hat,"Yes Mr. Garrison, genetic engineering lets us correct God's horrible, horrible mistakes, like German people.
"
1,5,Mr. Garrison,"You know, you boys might want to visit the Genetic Engineering Ranch outside of town for some help.  And you could both use this for your science fair projects next month. 
"
1,5,Kyle,"Genetic Engineering Ranch!  Sweet!
"
1,5,Stan,"Wait, wait.  We still need a pig.
"
1,5,Kyle,"We can use Cartman's pig.
"
1,5,Cartman,"Ehh, you leave Fluffy out of this!
"
1,5,Kyle,"We're not gonna hurt her, we just need some of her blood.
"
1,5,Cartman,"You're not using any of Fluffy's blood, or else I'll kick you in the nuts.  Kyle, Kyle no! 
"
1,5,Mr. Garrison,"Uh, uhuh, Stanley, can I talk to you for a minute?
"
1,5,Stan,"Okay.
"
1,5,Mr. Garrison,"I couldn't help but notice that black eye you have.  Are there problems at home?
"
1,5,Stan,"Yes…
"
1,5,Mr. Garrison,"Oh dear.  Here Stanley, sit down, have some cocoa, and tell your friend Mr. Hat all about it. 
"
1,5,Mr. Hat,"I'm your friend, Mr. Hat, Stan.  You can tell me anything.  Now, who hits you, is it your father, or your mother?
"
1,5,Stan,"Oh, neither.  It's my sister.
"
1,5,Mr. Garrison,"Your sister?!  Oh for Pete's sake, don't be such a little wuss.  Stop wasting Mr. Hat's time with pansy little foo-foo problems, and, give me back my cocoa!
"
1,5,Jesus,"Let's open the phone lines back up for some questions….
"
1,5,Shelly,"Hey!
"
1,5,Robert,"Yeah, is this Jesus?
"
1,5,Jesus,"Yes, my son.
"
1,5,Stan,"Hi Shelly.
"
1,5,Shelly,"Are you looking at my headgear?
"
1,5,Stan,"Headgear?  What headgear?
"
1,5,Shelly,"Are you looking at my headgear?
"
1,5,Stan,"Oh, uh gosh uh, I didn't really notice.
"
1,5,Shelly,"You little liar. 
"
1,5,Stan,"No, I think it looks terrific.  It matches your AAAAAH! 
"
1,5,Kyle,"Ready to go Stan?
"
1,5,Stan,"Go where?
"
1,5,Kyle,"To the Genetical Engineering Ranch.
"
1,5,Kyle,"We got Cartman's pig so we can splice its genes with my elephant's.
"
1,5,Cartman,"Nobody's splicin' nothing from Fluffy!
"
1,5,Shelly,"I swear I'm gonna kill you Stan!
"
1,5,Kyle,"Why's your sister so mean to you dude?
"
1,5,Cartman,"Yeah, if some sissy chick tried to kick my ass, I'd be all like, ""Hey, listen, missy, eh, yewhy don't you go knit me sweater before I slap you in the face!""
"
1,5,Shelly,"Who said that? 
"
1,5,Kyle,"This must be it. 
"
1,5,Cartman,"Well, looks like nobody's home.  Guess we should come back some other time.
"
1,5,Kyle,"No, Cartman, we're going in there and splicing Fluffy and my elephant together.
"
1,5,Cartman,"It's okay Fluffy, I won't let them hurt you.
"
1,5,Kyle,"It's just a stupid pig.
"
1,5,Stan,"Yeah, quit being such a baby.
"
1,5,Cartman,"Baby?!  Well, at least I don't get my ass kicked by a girl!
"
1,5,Stan,"At least I'm not a little pigfucker!
"
1,5,Cartman,"Hey!  I'm taking my pig and…Screw you guys!  I'm going home!  This whole idea's stupid anyway.
"
1,5,Kyle,"What the hell would you know you fat sweaty Mongoloid, you never get higher than a 'D'!
"
1,5,Cartman,"Hey!  Why don't you go back to San Francisco with the rest of the Jews?!
"
1,5,Kyle,"There's no Jews in San Francisco, you retard!
"
1,5,Cartman,"I'll kick you in the nuts!
"
1,5,Mephesto,"Can I help you? 
"
1,5,Kenny,"Mmmmmm! 
"
1,5,Kyle,"Uh…yeah…we want to crossbreed an elephant with a pig.
"
1,5,Mephesto,"Brilliant idea, huge elephant-sized pigs.
"
1,5,Kyle,"No, no, no.  We want to make little pot-bellied elephants that people can keep in their houses as pets.
"
1,5,Mephesto,"Ohh, that's an even better idea.  Come on in.
"
1,5,Mephesto,"I'm so pleased that you children are interested in genetic engineering.
"
1,5,Cartman,"Eh, it's okay Fluffy, nobody's going to hurt you.
"
1,5,Mephesto,"It's thanks to the wonders of genetic engineering that soon there will be an end to hunger, disease, pollution, even war.  I have created things that will change the world for the better.  For instance, here is a monkey with four asses.
"
1,5,Monkey,"Mhhh.
"
1,5,Kyle,"How does that make the world better?
"
1,5,Mephesto,"And here, of course, is my four assed ostrich.  And my four assed mongoose.
"
1,5,Stan,"Do you have anything besides just animals with four asses?
"
1,5,Mephesto,"Oh, uh, I suppose so uh.  Oh yes, over here.  Here I have rats splice with ducks, and gorillas spliced with mosquitos, and here I have rabbits spliced with fish to make little bunnyfish.
"
1,5,Cartman,"Heyyy, these bunny ears are tied on with little strings.
"
1,5,Mephesto,"And over here, Swiss cheese spliced with chalk, and a beard.
"
1,5,Kyle,"Well, what about our pot-bellied elephant?
"
1,5,Mephesto,"Oh.  Well I'm sorry children, but, pig and elephant DNA just won't splice.  Haven't you ever heard that song by 'Loverboy'?
"
1,5,Kyle,"Which song is that?
"
1,5,Mephesto,"Diindoon - pig and elephant DNA just won't splice!  Although, maybe I could help you add a few asses to that swine of yours.
"
1,5,Cartman,"You can keep your hands off of Fluffy's ass!
"
1,5,Mephesto,"You know, it's amazing what we can do with a little blood sample these days. 
"
1,5,Stan,"Ow!
"
1,5,Mephesto,"Hmm?  What?  Oh, excuse me.
"
1,5,Kyle,"Wait, what are you taking Stan's blood for?
"
1,5,Mephesto,"Oh, pardon me, I tripped.  Could I have some hair please?
"
1,5,Kyle,"Watch out Stan!  Genetic engineers are crazy. 
"
1,5,Cartman,"Come on Fluffy! 
"
1,5,Kid 1,"This fish is just hurting my anus.
"
1,5,Kid 2,"Naw, it's pretty fresh.
"
1,5,Cartman,"UUuuhh.  I sure am hungry.
"
1,5,Pip,"'Ello gentlemen, any of you blokes know what's for lunch today?  Lunchy munchies, hmmm?
"
1,5,Cartman,"Go away, Pip! Nobody likes you!
"
1,5,Kyle,"Yeah, what kind of name is Pip anyway?!
"
1,5,Pip,"Well, my father's family name being Pirrip, and my Christian name being Phillip, my infant tongue…
"
1,5,Cartman,"God Damnit, would you shut the hell up?!  Nobody gives a rat's ass.
"
1,5,Stan,"Yeah! Go away, Pip!
"
1,5,Pip,"Righto. 
"
1,5,Cartman,"Gah, French people piss me off.
"
1,5,Terrance,"Hey dumbasses.  You morons give up on your stupid science fair project yet?
"
1,5,Kyle,"No! We're already halfway done.
"
1,5,Terrance,"Halfway? Then all you've got is a stupid pig.
"
1,5,Bill,"Yeah, it's probably a gay pig too.
"
1,5,Fosse,"Stupid gay pig.
"
1,5,Kyle,"It's more than you've got!
"
1,5,Terrance,"Wroong. We've already got our human clone well under way. 
"
1,5,Kyle,"Oh my God! They cloned a foot. 
"
1,5,Cartman,"Ugh!…Hey! I'll kick your ass! 
"
1,5,Pip,"Eho!
"
1,5,Terrance,"By Friday, we're gonna clone a whole human being.  Good luck with your stupid little pig.
"
1,5,Chef,"Hello there children.
"
1,5,Kyle,"Hey Chef.
"
1,5,Chef,"How you doin'?
"
1,5,Boys,"Bad.
"
1,5,Chef,"Why bad?
"
1,5,Kyle,"We need to genetically engineer our pig and an elephant, but their genes won't splice.
"
1,5,Chef,"Ahhhh, of course they won't splice children. Haven't you ever heard that song by 'Loverboy'?
"
1,5,Chef,"Dooodnnndoodnn - A pig and an elephant DNA just won't…A pig-elephant.  Say, now that's not a bad idea.
"
1,5,Kyle,"I told you guys.
"
1,5,Chef,"Imagine, a pint sized elephant that you could keep in the house.  Children, we could make a fortune with this.
"
1,5,Kyle,"You hear that dudes? We'll be rich!
"
1,5,Chef,"Forget about all that genetic engineering whoosafudge. If you want to combine a pig and an elephant, just get them to make sweeet love.
"
1,5,Cartman,"Whaaat?!
"
1,5,Stan,"I don't think an elephant would make love to a pig.
"
1,5,Cartman,"I don't think my pig would want to make love to that stupid elephant.
"
1,5,Chef,"Sure they would.  But you're gonna have to get 'em in the mood.
"
1,5,Stan,"So how do we do that?
"
1,5,Chef,"Do what I do, get 'em goood and drunk.
"
1,5,Stan,"Hey uh, you guys want to come over to my house?
"
1,5,Kyle,"We've got work to do Stan, I think it takes a while for an elephant to get drunk.
"
1,5,Chef,"Really, you, you guys don't want to come over for just a little bit?
"
1,5,Cartman,"Why?  Is your sister gonna kick your ass again?
"
1,5,Stan,"Shut up Cartman!
"
1,5,Kenny,"(Or are you gonna hit her with your hand?)
"
1,5,Kyle,"Yeah Stan, she's just a girl.
"
1,5,Cartman,"Yeah, if some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like, ""hey, why don't you stop dressin' me up like a mailman, annnd making me dance for you while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know, on my dad's bed!"" 
"
1,5,Stan,"Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?!
"
1,5,Cartman,"I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.
"
1,5,Kyle,"Stan, you can use family love as a weapon against Shelly.  The next time she's gonna kick your ass, just tell her, ""Shelly, you're my sister, and I love you.""
"
1,5,Kenny,"(""And I want to see you handling your breasts."")
"
1,5,Stan,"Sick dude, she's my sister.
"
1,5,Kyle,"Try it.  We'll see you in a while, we got to go get Cartman's pig.
"
1,5,Cartman,"No, you don't gotta get Cartman's pig!  You leave Fluffy out of this!
"
1,5,Kyle,"Come on Kenny.
"
1,5,Cartman,"Kyle no, seriously.  No fuckin' elephant is going to make love to my Fluffy, I…Kyle, I will kick you in the nnnnuts.
"
1,5,Stan,"Crap.
"
1,5,TV Voice,"And now back to Jesus and Pals on South Park Public Access…
"
1,5,Shelly,"Are you staring at my neckbrace?
"
1,5,Stan,"No, I mean, yes, I mean, what neckbrace?  Shelly, before you beat my face into a bloody pulp again, I just want you to know that…that you're my sister, and I love you.  No.  Ahh!  Someday, Shelly, I'm gonna be bigger than you, and you're gonna wish you'd never done any of this to me.
"
1,5,Shelly,"You'll never be bigger than me Stan.  Never!
"
1,5,Mephesto,"Beautiful, it's absolutely beautiful. My son, I think we've finally done it. 
"
1,5,Terrance,"Yes, we have dad. My very own human clone.
"
1,5,Bill,"Hopefully not a gay clone.
"
1,5,Fosse,"Yeah, that was stupid.
"
1,5,Bill,"Stupid.
"
1,5,Fosse,"That was stupid.
"
1,5,Kyle,"Come on elephant, keep drinking.
"
1,5,Stan,"Damn, I wonder how drunk he needs to be to make sweet love to the pig. 
"
1,5,Kyle,"Dammit! This is never gonna work.
"
1,5,Chef,"Hello children.  I thought I'd check and see how our little entrepreneurial venture is going.
"
1,5,Kyle,"Rotten, they're both really drunk, but the won't have sex.
"
1,5,Chef,"Ohh, children, you just can't stick a drunk pig with a drunk elephant, and, and, expect them to do the mattress mambo. You need to set the mood. 
Let me show you boys what I'm talking about.
Tonight is a-right for love,
you know I -- want tuh touch you where the lights don't go.
Tonight is a-right for love, love gravy.
Expressing love so sweet.
I want tuh -- keep you burnin' like a dog in heat.
Tonight is a-right for love, love graaavaaay.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John!
"
1,5,Elton,"Oooo tonight
Oooo it's all right
Oooo tonight is right for love, love gravy.
"
1,5,Chef,"Thank you Elton.
Tonight is right for love, love graaavaaaaaay.
"
1,5,Kyle,"Hey look!  It's working.
"
1,5,Chef,"Now children, gather around, and watch the wonders of life.  The beauty of Mother Nature. 
"
1,5,Kyle,"Aah!
"
1,5,Stan,"Sick!
"
1,5,Cartman,"Fluffy!
"
1,5,Chef,"Hmm, now I know how all those white women must have felt. 
"
1,5,Mephesto,"How luscious.  Our creature has come to fruition, boys.
"
1,5,Terrance,"Dad, you're the best.
"
1,5,Mephesto,"Oh my God!  He only has one ass.  He's of no use to me, I'll have to burn the room.  Oh no, this entire expriment is turning out very bad.
"
1,5,Big Stan,"Me bad?? 
"
1,5,Mephesto,"Eeegads, he's out of control.  We'll have to destroy him.
"
1,5,Terrance,"But he's our science fair project!
"
1,5,Big Stan,"Uhhh, me baad, aba-ba-chewy-chomp.
"
1,5,Mephesto,"He's too dangerous son.
"
1,5,Terrance,"But dad!  I want a human clone.
"
1,5,Mephesto,"Son, no.  Oh son, you've made a horrible mistake.  You've put all the people of South Park in jeopardy.
"
1,5,Terrance,"They're all stupid anyway.  Come on guys, let's go.
"
1,5,Bill,"Yeahh, they're all gay.
"
1,5,Kyle,"Aren't they ever gonna wake up?
"
1,5,Chef,"Oh, they will.  It's gonna be one uuuugly sight.
"
1,5,Kyle,"I thought you said the wonder of Mother Nature was a beautiful thing.
"
1,5,Stan,"Yeah, when does Mother Nature go from beautiful to ugly?
"
1,5,Chef,"Usually about 9:30 in the morning, children.  Uh oh, here we go.  Yeahhh, there's nothing worse than getting all drunk and waking up the next morning next to a pig.  Or a big fat elephant.
"
1,5,Kyle,"Hey, how do we know if she's pregnant?
"
1,5,Chef,"Well boys, we might not know that for a couple of days.
"
1,5,Kyle,"Couple of days?  But Terrance is going to have his human clone by tomorrow.
"
1,5,Cartman,"Well, good job Einstein, why don't we just build a rocket in the meantime?  Hey!
"
1,5,Mephesto,"Oh thank Buddha I found you boys.  You must tell me, have you seen anything odd lately?
"
1,5,Stan,"Uh, we saw an elephant have sex with a pig.
"
1,5,Mephesto,"No, no, I said odd.
"
1,5,Chef,"Hey, you're that crazy cracker from up on the hill.
"
1,5,Mephesto,"Sir, if making mutant animals spliced with humans is crazy…then…uhhhhh…hmmm…oh, nevermind.  I'm afraid there's been a bit of an incident at the ranch.  You see, I've created a large mutant clone of that little boy there, and he's broken free.
"
1,5,Kenny,"(A big mutant Stan?!)
"
1,5,Stan,"A big mutant version of me?
"
1,5,Kyle,"Is he bigger than a regular clone?
"
1,5,Mephesto,"He's terribly dangerous.  His brain is identical to yours.  I need you to help me find him.
"
1,5,Big Stan,"Ah chewy-chewy-chomp.
"
1,5,Woman,"Oh my Gooodd!
"
1,5,Mr. Garrison,"Stan, are you wearing a different hat?
"
1,5,Big Stan,"Uhhhyahhuhhh. 
"
1,5,Mr. Garrison,"Hey, I know a certain young man who's itching for a detention.  Aaaaaah!  Ooooh.
"
1,5,Kyle,"How big do you think he is?
"
1,5,Stan,"I bet he weighs four hundred pounds.
"
1,5,Kyle,"Come on Stan, don't you even know where you would go?
"
1,5,Kenny,"(Look at that!  What's he doin'?)
"
1,5,Stan,"Oh my God!
"
1,5,Townsman,"Aaaah! 
"
1,5,Tom,"It appears that the horrible, destructive creature is actually eight-year old Stan Marsh of South Park.  When asked why he was wreaking so much havoc on his home town, the little boy replies simply, ""Me Stan, ba-chomp, ba-chewy-chomp, ba-chewy-chomp.  Back to you in the studio.
"
1,5,TV Newscaster,"Thanks Tom, police are requesting that if you see this little eight-year old boy you immediately kill him and burn his body.  That's all for now.
"
1,5,TV Voice,"Now back to Jesus and Pals.
"
1,5,Jesus,"-- Yea, the way is paved with gold for ye who seek truth and- 
"
1,5,Big Stan,"Ba-ba-chomp-betchaba-chewy-chewy-chomp-aaah.
"
1,5,Jesus,"Jesus!
"
1,5,Big Stan,"its-to-the-left-mayoueyea.
"
1,5,Stan,"Officer Barbrady, my evil genetic clone is destroying the town.  We have to find him.
"
1,5,Officer Barbrady,"You boys have been watching the ""X-Files"" too much, there's no such thing as genetic clone -
"
1,5,Big Stan,"Ahhhh 
"
1,5,Officer Barbrady,"Whoa!  Listen, uh, you kids go on home, there's nothing to see here.
"
1,5,Kyle,"Come on, let's go!
"
1,5,Uncle Jimbo,"There you are!  Stanley, you tore up my entire gun shop, you better have a good explanation for this mister!
"
1,5,Stan,"It wasn't me Uncle Jimbo, it was my evil genetic clone.
"
1,5,Mr. Garrison,"Stanley, what the hell has gotten in to you?!  You have got severe lunchroom duty mister!
"
1,5,Uncle Jimbo,"I'm gonna go have a word with your father Stanley.
"
1,5,Mr. Garrison,"Yeah, you wait 'til your father hears about this.
"
1,5,Kyle,"Wait, Stan, there he goes.
"
1,5,Stan,"Stop!
"
1,5,Big Stan,"Ahhh, ba-ba-chomp?
"
1,5,Kyle,"He recognizes you dude.
"
1,5,Stan,"That's good, that's good dude.  Just calm down.
"
1,5,Big Stan,"Ba-chomp, eh mee ahh jaran.
"
1,5,Kyle,"What should we do with him?
"
1,5,Stan,"Stan, how would you like to go home and meet your sister?
"
1,5,Big Stan,"Ahhhh, yeahhh.
"
1,5,Stan,"…So remember, Shelly's the one with the big wire coming out of her mouth and a metal plate on her back.  When you see Shelly, kick her ass.  Shelly bad, Shelly very bad.
"
1,5,Big Stan,"Me bad??
"
1,5,Stan,"No!  Shelly bad, you good.  He's tearing up the house, stop him!  Come on Kyle, Cartman. 
"
1,5,Big Stan,"Ah.
"
1,5,Shelly,"What the hell do you want?
"
1,5,Big Stan,"Chewy-chewy-chomp.  Ahhh.  Uhhh.
"
1,5,Mephesto,"Boys! Boys, I'm lusciously sorry for everything.
"
1,5,Terrance,"Hey, they've got our clone.  He belongs to us.
"
1,5,Mephesto,"No son, this beast is a disgrace to genetic engineers everywhere.  Boys, I'm sorry I've caused you such - inconvenience.  I tried to play God, and I failed. 
"
1,5,Terrance,"Daddy! Nooooo!
"
1,5,Mephesto,"All I ever wanted was to genetically engineer something useful, but I failed.  Perhaps we shouldn't be toying with God's creations.  Perhaps we should just leave nature alone, to its simple one assed schematics.
"
1,5,Terrance,"You cheating bastards.  This isn't over, just wait until tomorrow.
"
1,5,Kyle,"Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You bastards!
"
1,5,Stan,"Mom and dad are home.  My house is a disaster, you guy- you guys have got to help me.
"
1,5,Cartman,"I ain't helpin' crap!  I want to eat some paeh.
"
1,5,Stan,"You can't just leave me here alone.
"
1,5,Cartman,"Oh yeah, watch me. 
"
1,5,Kyle,"Yeah Stan, we have to go find out if Cartman's pig is pregnant or not.  See ya. 
"
1,5,Stan,"Thanks a lot.
"
1,5,Shelly,"Ohh boy, you are gonna get it now. 
"
1,5,Stan,"It isn't fair!  Everybody hates me!  The whole town wants me killed!  Mom and dad are gonna send me away!  I don't want to be sent away!  I want to stay here!  Eehhhehehe!
"
1,5,Randy,"Stanley, what, what in God's name have you been doing?
"
1,5,Carol,"Everybody in town is upset with you young man.  What's going on?  Are you on drugs?
"
1,5,Shelly,"It's not Stan's fault.
"
1,5,Randy,"Huh?
"
1,5,Shelly,"It wasn't Stan, he was…it was with me the whole time.
"
1,5,Randy,"Oh, well Stan, we're uh, we're sorry we jumped to conclusions.
"
1,5,Carol,"Oh honey, please forgive us son.
"
1,5,Stan,"Shelly, you, you saved my life.  And yet, you've done so much more than that.  Today you've taught me the meaning of family.  Sure, families don't always get along, but when the forces of evil descend upon us, we conquer them, by sticking together.  Uh, ahh, oooh. 
"
1,5,Mr. Garrison,"Everyone, let's give K. C. and his weed a big hand.  Okay Kyle, we're ready to see your science project.
"
1,5,Kyle,"Well, our pig hasn't given birth yet, but she should anytime now.
"
1,5,Mr. Garrison,"Oh, well then I guess you get an 'F'.  Okay, Terrance, I know the class can hardly wait to see your science fair project.
"
1,5,Terrance,"Thank you Mr. Garrison.  Boys, Mr. Garrison, fellow students, for our science fair project Bill, Fosse, and I have spawned a creature genetically far superior to man.  I present to you, the five-assed monkey. 
"
1,5,Monkey,"Ahhheh.
"
1,5,Mr. Garrison,"Oh, Mr. Hat, isn't it beautiful. 
"
1,5,Stan,"Wait, wait, the pig just gave birth.  It, it had a baby!
"
1,5,Kid 1,"It had a baby?
"
1,5,Kid 2,"Oh wow!
"
1,5,Clyde,"What's it look like?
"
1,5,Kyle,"Does it look like a pig, or an elephant?
"
1,5,Cartman,"Hey, it kind of looks like Mr. Garrison.
"
1,5,Mr. Garrison,"Ohh, uh, gee, isn't that an amazing coincidence?  Hmm, what are the odds of that?
"
1,5,Mr. Hat,"Hmmm. You boys get first prize.
"
1,5,Cartman,"That'll do pig.
"
1,6,Marsh Family,"Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear grampa...
"
1,6,Grampa,"Uhhhhh.
"
1,6,Marsh Family,"...Happy birthday to you.
"
1,6,Sharon,"Now blow out the candles grampa.  Hurray!!!
"
1,6,Randy,"How's it feel to be 102, paps?
"
1,6,Grampa,"Shoot me.
"
1,6,Sharon,"Make a wish grampa.
"
1,6,Grampa,"I wish I were dead
"
1,6,Randy,"Ha, ha, ha, that's our silly grampa.
"
1,6,Grampa,"I'm not being silly! Kill me. I'd do it myself, but I'm too damn old.
"
1,6,Sharon,"Ooh, who wants ice cream with their cake?
"
1,6,Shelly,"I will.
"
1,6,Randy,"Me.
"
1,6,Stan,"It's eight o'clock, my favorite TV show is on.
"
1,6,Shelly,"That showsh for babiesh, it'sh show shtupid.
"
1,6,Stan,"Can I eat my cake in the living room mom? Please, can I?
"
1,6,Sharon,"Oh, alright, but take your grampy with you.
"
1,6,Stan,"Aw, dammit!
"
1,6,Sharon,"Language.
"
1,6,TV Announcer,"And now back to Terrance & Phillip
"
1,6,Phillip,"Hey Terrance, I think I have to fart.
"
1,6,Terrance,"Wait, before you do, pull my thumb. 
"
1,6,Stan,"Heheheh hehehe...
"
1,6,Grampa,"Uhhhhh  Ah, dammit!  How would you like to make a dollar Billy?
"
1,6,Stan,"My name's not Billy grampa, it's Stan.
"
1,6,Grampa,"Dammit Billy, do you want a dollar or don't ya?
"
1,6,Stan,"Sure.
"
1,6,Grampa,"Ok. You just have to do one thing for me.
"
1,6,Stan,"I'm not gonna kill you grampa.
"
1,6,Grampa,"Why not?
"
1,6,Stan,"'Cause, I'll get in trouble.
"
1,6,Grampa,"I killed my grampa when I was your age.
"
1,6,Stan,"Leave me alone grampa. 
"
1,6,Grampa,"What has America's youth come to? Kids won't even kill their own gramparents.
"
1,6,Phillip,"Hey Terrance, now that you've farted, I think I might fart too. 
"
1,6,Terrance,"Ohhh, you farted. 
"
1,6,Sheila,"Kyle, bubbe, what are you watching?
"
1,6,Terrance,"Hey Phillip, would you like a flower?
"
1,6,Phillip,"I sure would Terrance.
"
1,6,Terrance,"Alrighty then, here's a two-lip. 
"
1,6,Sheila,"What is this?  It's horrible!
"
1,6,Kyle,"Dude, it's Terrance & Phillip.
"
1,6,Phillip,"Take that you stupid dick.
"
1,6,Sheila,"What did he say?
"
1,6,Terrance,"You're an asshole Phillip.
"
1,6,Sheila,"Whatwhatwhaaat?!!?  Young man, you are not to watch that show anymore! It's immature toilet humor!
"
1,6,Kyle,"But everybody watches Terrance & Phillip.
"
1,6,Sheila,"Oh really? Is that so?
"
1,6,Terrance,"Oh no Phillip, looks like you're about to fart.
"
1,6,Phillip,"You're exactly right Terrance. Oh. 
"
1,6,Terrance,"Oh no. 
"
1,6,Cartman,"Ha, ha, ha, that's sweet!
"
1,6,Liane,"Eric dear? I just got a call from your friend Kyle's mother. She said that this show is naughty, and might make you a potty mouth.
"
1,6,Cartman,"That's a bunch of crap! Kyle's mom is a dirty Jew!
"
1,6,Liane,"Ohhh, okay hon.
"
1,6,Stan,"I'm not going to kill you grampa!
"
1,6,Grampa,"Ingrate!
"
1,6,Stan,"Good night grampa.
"
1,6,Grampa,"You pompous son of a whore!
"
1,6,Student,"Huh huh, I had another ...
"
1,6,Kyle,"Ow! What the hell was that for?!
"
1,6,Cartman,"That's for your stupid mother! She made me miss Terrance & Phillip last night!
"
1,6,Clyde,"Yeah, what's the big idea having your mom call all our moms last night?
"
1,6,Kyle,"Well I didn't have her do it. She did it on her own.
"
1,6,Cartman,"Why does this happen every month? It seems like, right around the same time every month, Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something and I always end up getting screwed by it!
"
1,6,Mr. Garrison,"Children! Children! A certain student's mother called me last night.
"
1,6,Cartman,"Oh, gee, I wonder who's mother that could have been?
"
1,6,Mr. Garrison,"She informed me that some of you might be watching a, a naughty show called Terrance & Phillip.
"
1,6,Class,"Yeahh, woohoo!
"
1,6,Mr. Hat,"Watching that show is bad, Mr. Garrison.
"
1,6,Mr. Garrison,"That's right Mr. Hat, shows like Terrance & Phillip are what we call 'toilet humor.' They don't expand your minds.  You see children, these kind of shows are senseless, vile trash.  Kenny, why are you late to class?  Oh, okay Kenny, be seated.  Now, as I was saying, the reason that parents of South Park are so upset is because...  Yes Kenny, what is it?
"
1,6,Kenny,"(I have to go pee.)
"
1,6,Mr. Garrison,"I thought you just came from the bathroom.
"
1,6,Kenny,"(I did, I gotta go again...)
"
1,6,Mr. Garrison,"Okay okay, go ahead.  As I was saying, you all seem to enjoy this show, even though it isn't based in reality. There's much more to life than two young men farting on each other. And throughout history there have always been shows that have come and gone that have been very bad, and usually they get taken right off the air. You see, you should be spending your time enlightening your minds with more intelligent entertainment. 
"
1,6,Stan,"Whoa, smells like you slaughtered a cow in there Kenny!
"
1,6,Mr. Garrison,"Pay attention children!  I'm going to join your parents in requesting that you don't watch Terrance & Phillip any more, ever.
"
1,6,Cartman,"What?
"
1,6,Clyde,"Not watch Terrance & Phillip ever? 
"
1,6,Mr. Garrison,"That's right children. Are there any questions?  Yes, Stanley?
"
1,6,Stan,"Is it okay to kill somebody if they want you to?
"
1,6,Mr. Garrison,"What, what do you mean?
"
1,6,Stan,"My grampa keeps asking that I kill him all the time, and sometimes I wonder if I should.
"
1,6,Kyle,"Well, then you should. I think that a person has a right to die if they wanna.
"
1,6,Stan,"Really??
"
1,6,Kyle,"Yeah, there's this guy named Jack Leborkian that goes around and murders people that ask him to, and he doesn't get in any trouble at all.
"
1,6,Stan,"Wow!
"
1,6,Cartman,"Hey, maybe we can get him to Kyle's mom!
"
1,6,Stan,"So, is it okay to assist somebody with suicide, Mr. Garrison?
"
1,6,Mr. Garrison,"Uh, Stan, I'm not touching that one with a twenty-foot pole.
"
1,6,Kenny,"(Oh my God!)  (Owww!) 
"
1,6,Cartman,"Man! I can't believe we're gonna miss Terrance & Phillip today. I think I'm already having withdrawal. 
"
1,6,Stan,"Don't worry dude, we can all go watch it at my house. My parents don't get home until late.
"
1,6,Kyle,"But won't your grampa be there?
"
1,6,Stan,"Yeah...
"
1,6,Cartman,"Just kill 'im dude, maybe he'll give you some money.
"
1,6,Chef,"Hello there children.
"
1,6,Stan,"Hey Chef.
"
1,6,Chef,"How's it goin'?
"
1,6,Stan,"Bad.
"
1,6,Chef,"Why bad?
"
1,6,Stan,"Chef, is it okay to kill your grampa?
"
1,6,Chef,"You can't kill my grampa Stan, he's already passed on.
"
1,6,Stan,"No, I mean, kill my grampa.
"
1,6,Chef,"No, I don't think that's okay Stan. In fact, I think that's illegal.
"
1,6,Stan,"See, I told you dude.
"
1,6,Kyle,"Well, yeah, but what if the grampa wants to die, cause he's really old, and he's just asking for help?
"
1,6,Cartman,"Yeah, like assisted suicide. What about that?
"
1,6,Chef,"I don't want to touch that with a forty foot pole.
"
1,6,Stan,"What's the big deal? Why won't anybody talk about this.
"
1,6,Sheila,"And I myself was not aware of this horrible show until recently. I have a clip to demonstrate exactly what I mean. 
"
1,6,Terrance,"Hey Phillip, guess what?
"
1,6,Phillip,"What?
"
1,6,Terrance,"Fart.
"
1,6,Sheila,"Now apparently, that's supposed to be funny.
"
1,6,Randy,"Heh, heh, heh, he farted right on his head, heh heh, 
"
1,6,Sheila,"Not allowing our kids to watch this show is not enough. We need to boycott the entire network! All those in favor...
"
1,6,Mr. Garrison,"Ohh, I think I've caught a touch of the flu from little Kenny this morning. I've got the green apple splatters.
"
1,6,Townsman,"Ha ha, green apple splatters.
"
1,6,Grampa,"Uhhhh
"
1,6,Stan,"Hi grampa, I brought my friends over to watch TV, if that's okay.
"
1,6,Grampa,"Billy, help grampa stick this fork in the outlet.
"
1,6,Stan,"No grampa, I'll get in trouble.
"
1,6,Grampa,"Kill me, God dammit!
"
1,6,Stan,"No, I can't even kill a deer.
"
1,6,Grampa,"Well then, have one of your little friends do it. You can kill me can't ya?
"
1,6,Cartman,"I would never kill somebody... not unless the piss me off.
"
1,6,Grampa,"Ohh, is that a fact? Well, let me tell you something, Porky. Your mom was over here earlier, and I humped her like a little bitch.
"
1,6,Cartman,"What!
"
1,6,Grampa,"That's right.
"
1,6,Stan,"Grampa!
"
1,6,Grampa,"And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton, and had my way with her too.
"
1,6,Cartman,"Hey!
"
1,6,Grampa,"Choice piece of ass, your great-grandma.
"
1,6,Cartman,"You piece of crap! I'll kill you!
"
1,6,Grampa,"That's the spirit Tubby.
"
1,6,Stan,"Come on Cartman, he's just trying to get to you.
"
1,6,Cartman,"Don't talk about my mom like that!
"
1,6,Stan,"We can go watch Terrance & Phillip in the kitchen.
"
1,6,Grampa,"I ever tell you about the time I boofed your dad, Fatso?
"
1,6,Cartman,"Ah, I can't believe that son of a bitch!
"
1,6,Stan,"Here Cartman, have some Snacky Cakes.
"
1,6,Cartman,"Oooh, Snacky Cakes, god dang.
"
1,6,Stan,"I don't know what to do dude, my grampa really wants to die.
"
1,6,Kyle,"I'm telling you, it's okay. Maybe you should ask the Lord for guidance.
"
1,6,Stan,"Hey, yeah!
"
1,6,TV Announcer,"And now, back to 'Jesus and Pals' on South Park Public Access.
"
1,6,Jesus,"Yea, believe in me and ye shall find peace.  First caller, you're on 'Jesus and Pals' 
"
1,6,Caller,"Yeah, is this Jesus?
"
1,6,Jesus,"Yes, yes caller, you need to turn your TV down, that's why you're getting that weird feedback.
"
1,6,Caller,"Oh, sorry.  Uh, this is Martin...
"
1,6,Jesus,"Martin, from Aspen Park, yes, I know.
"
1,6,Martin,"How the hell'd you know that?
"
1,6,Jesus,"Well, maybe because I'm the Son of God, brainiac, now, do you have a question?
"
1,6,Martin,"Uh, yeah, uh, I have this cousin who, who cheated on the SAT's and-
"
1,6,Jesus,"Tell little Gregory that cheating is lying and lying is wrong, no matter what the circumstance.
"
1,6,Martin,"Oh, oh, okay, thanks for the advice, Jesus.
"
1,6,Jesus,"Next caller, you're on the air.
"
1,6,Stan,"Jesus?
"
1,6,Jesus,"Yes my son?
"
1,6,Stan,"Jesus, is, is it okay to kill somebody if they ask you to, because they're in a lot of pain, you know, like, assisted suicide, is that okay?
"
1,6,Jesus,"My son...
"
1,6,Stan,"Yes?
"
1,6,Jesus,"I'm not touching that with a sixty foot pole.  Next caller.
"
1,6,Stan,"Goddammit!
"
1,6,Jesus,"I heard that.
"
1,6,Stan,"What the hell is wrong with everybody?
"
1,6,Cartman,"Hey you guys, Terrance & Phillip is on!
"
1,6,Kyle,"Yeah, hey, do you think we'll get in trouble for watching it?
"
1,6,Stan,"Kyle, don't be such a butthole!
"
1,6,Cartman,"Yeah, just cause your mom is a stupid bitch doesn't mean the whole world has to suffer.
"
1,6,Kyle,"Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
"
1,6,Cartman,"Oh, biiitch.  Your—mom—is--a--bi-bi-bii-biittchh.
"
1,6,TV Announcer,"And now back to Terrance & Phillip.
"
1,6,Terrance,"Hey Phillip, would you like to eat some beans.
"
1,6,Phillip,"Oho yeah, I love beans.
"
1,6,Cartman,"Uh oh, I bet I know what's coming.
"
1,6,Grampa,"Billy, would you mind holding this for grampa please?
"
1,6,Stan,"Okay grampa, okay, just get out of the way of the TV.
"
1,6,Terrance,"Hey Phillip, it looks like those beans might make me fart.
"
1,6,Phillip,"Well, don't fart on me Terrance.
"
1,6,Cartman,"Dude, he's gonna fart on his head again.
"
1,6,Kenny,"(Oh my God!) 
"
1,6,Cartman,"Hey, you're gonna miss it Kenny.
"
1,6,Phillip,"You're such an asshole, Terrance.
"
1,6,Terrance,"Haha, that I am! 
"
1,6,Kenny,"(Ow!)
"
1,6,Cartman,"Hurry up Kenny, you're gonna miss the fart.
"
1,6,Shelly,"Jesus! What the hell are you doing?
"
1,6,Stan,"We're not watching Terrance & Phillip, I swear. I, I mean, Cartman was watching it.
"
1,6,Shelly,"No, I mean, what the hell are you doing to grampa?! 
"
1,6,Grampa,"Tug - a - little harder, Billy.
"
1,6,Stan,"Aaah!! 
"
1,6,Grampa,"Uh, ow.
"
1,6,Shelly,"You little jerk!  You were trying to kill grampa! I'm telling mom!
"
1,6,Grampa,"Dammit! I was so close.
"
1,6,TV Announcer,"Four third graders from South Park, Colorado, were found trying to viciously murder an innocent grandfather.
"
1,6,Talk Show Host,"Boys, how did you get driven so far to the edge? What changed you into such demonic little bastards?
"
1,6,Stan,"We didn't know what we were doing. We were just sitting there, watching Terrance & Phillip and...
"
1,6,Talk Show Host,"Terrance & Phillip, aha! So it is that show that is to blame.
"
1,6,Sheila,"These boys minds have been tainted by the garbage on television that they see, and we are fed up!
"
1,6,Crowd,"Woooo!
"
1,6,Townsman,"Huh? Oh god! Oh god! 
"
1,6,Sheila,"We have to stop this smut from going on the air. We will march to the network and protest until our demands are met. New York, here we come! 
"
1,6,Sheila,"We are spreading the word to this establishment that we demand better television, for our children!  We want more quality television, like Full House. 
"
1,6,Randy,"Oh, I think you gave me the stomach flu, Mr. Garrison.
"
1,6,Mr. Garrison,"No, no, it was that little Kenny bastard that gave it to me. 
"
1,6,Randy,"Whoa, Mayor, you, uh, making gravy in there? Heh, heh, heh, heh.
"
1,6,Mayor,"I just had a brown baby boy. 
"
1,6,Stan,"Dude, this is sweet, not having parents around. 
"
1,6,Kyle,"Yeah, I hope they protest TV shows forever.
"
1,6,All,"Whoopeee!
"
1,6,Grampa,"Come here Billy, I want to show you something.
"
1,6,Stan,"Aww, do I have to?
"
1,6,Grampa,"Yes you do, you little pecker! I realized that the reason you won't kill me  is because you don't understand how I feel, Billy, but now I found a way to show you what it feels like to be a grampa. 
"
1,6,Stan,"Hey, what are you doing?! 
"
1,6,Kyle,"What are they doing in there?
"
1,6,Cartman,"I don't know.
"
1,6,Grampa,"Now, you're about to see what it's like to be as old as me. Are you ready Billy?
"
1,6,Stan,"Uh, I guess.  Okay, you, you can let me out now.
"
1,6,Grampa,"Not just yet. 
"
1,6,Stan,"Let me out grampa!  I can't take it anymore, this music is terrible, it's, it's cheesy, but lame and eerily soothing at the same time. 
"
1,6,Grampa,"That's it, now you know what it feels like to be grampa. 
"
1,6,Stan,"Eh, grampa, I had no idea how bad it was for you. Now I understand.
"
1,6,Grampa,"So now will you kill me Billy?
"
1,6,Stan,"Sure I will grampa, I will.
"
1,6,Liane,"Hehh, it doesn't look like our protest is working.
"
1,6,Sheila,"It'll work, it has to.
"
1,6,Townsman,"Look! It's the president of the network.
"
1,6,John Warzog,"Ladies and gentlemen, my name is John Warzog, I've prepared a statement for you on behalf of the network.  Fuck you.  Thank you ladies and gentlemen. If there are any questions, you may direct them to that brick wall over there. 
"
1,6,Sheila,"Hey, you will not get away with this!  That does it, no more Mr. Nice Protesters. It's time for 'Plan B'.
"
1,6,Liane,"Ohho, Carol, where are the Porto-Potties?
"
1,6,Sheila,"Over there hon. What, you need to drop some friends off at the pool?
"
1,6,Liane,"Ohhh, yes, indeedy. 
"
1,6,Stan,"Okay grampa, all you have to do is sit there. We'll do the rest.  You got the cow all tied up?
"
1,6,Kyle,"Yep, all done.
"
1,6,Stan,"'Kay, come on guys. 
"
1,6,Cartman,"Why don't we just shoot him?
"
1,6,Stan,"You dumbass Cartman, it has to look natural, or else we'll all get busted.
"
1,6,Kyle,"Yeah, stupid!
"
1,6,Grampa,"That's good Billy, a little higher now.
"
1,6,Cow,"Moooo!
"
1,6,Sheila,"The network is not taking us seriously. In the past, people have had to die for what they believed in, and we are prepared to do the same. Ready?  Mr. McCormick, you shall be a martyr to us all. God Speed. We will not let these corporate half-wits ruin our children's minds. Launch!  We will all follow suit, one by one if that's what it takes. 
"
1,6,Stan,"Are you ready grampa?
"
1,6,Grampa,"Does the pope crap in the woods? 
"
1,6,Police Radio,"7 Mary 5, code 6 - 105 North Avenue 52.
"
1,6,Cow,"Mooo!
"
1,6,Officer Barbrady,"Carry on. 
"
1,6,Stan,"Ok, here we go. Bye grampa, it was nice knowing you.
"
1,6,Grampa,"Uhh, cut the damn rope already! 
"
1,6,Stan,"What is that?!
"
1,6,Kyle,"Well, it, it looks like...
"
1,6,All,"Death!
"
1,6,Death,"Mrrrrr! 
"
1,6,Grampa,"It's about time you lazy-ass son of a whore.  Come on, let's go.  What the...?
"
1,6,Stan,"Hey, he's coming towards us.
"
1,6,Kyle,"Why is Death coming after us?
"
1,6,Death,"Mrrr.
"
1,6,Kids,"Ahhh! 
"
1,6,Cartman,"Aaaah, runrunruuun! 
"
1,6,Death,"Mrrr. 
"
1,6,Kyle,"What are we gonna do?
"
1,6,Death,"Mooorrrr!
"
1,6,Newscaster,"As the day progresses, more and more South Park residents continue to sling shot their bodies into the side of the 'Toon Central building. Toon Central is now under incredible pressure to cancel the show, and has already lost over 20% of their sponsors.
"
1,6,Sheila,"Here Carol, I think it's your boy.
"
1,6,Carol,"Oh thanks. What is it Stanley-hon, did you break something?
"
1,6,Stan,"Mom! Death is here, and and he's trying to take us all away with him!
"
1,6,Carol,"Stanley, honey, you need to leave mommy alone, I'm doing something very, very important for your little well-being there.
"
1,6,Stan,"Yeah, but, mom!
"
1,6,Carol,"Here honey, talk to your father.
"
1,6,Randy,"Did you turn the heat down?
"
1,6,Stan,"Dad, Death is coming!
"
1,6,Randy,"Keep the thermostat under 70, and take care of your grandfather. 
"
1,6,Death,"Mrrrr!
"
1,6,Stan,"Dammit! You know, I think that if parents would spend less time worrying about what their kids watch on TV, and more time worrying about what's going in in their kid's lives, this world would be a much better place.
"
1,6,Kyle,"Yeah, I think that parents only get so offended by television because the rely on it as a babysitter, and the sole educator of their kids.
"
1,6,Kenny,"(You know what I think? Basically, if you let the decision of what you watch stop at the parents' control, then what can you see? It'll stay the same because they'll just get offended although their kids are not delighted with the television series they put on for their kids.)
"
1,6,Stan,"Totally dude.
"
1,6,Kyle,"Good point man.
"
1,6,Death,"Mrrrr! 
"
1,6,Kids,"Ahhhh!
"
1,6,Stan,"Quick, jump through the window.
"
1,6,Cartman,"Ehh, eh, ehhhh! 
"
1,6,Death,"Mrrrr!
"
1,6,Kids,"Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah! 
"
1,6,Grampa,"Come back here you pompousy son of a pansy!
"
1,6,Kids,"Aaaah!
"
1,6,Kyle,"Don't let him touch you! You die if he touches you!
"
1,6,Grampa,"Come over here you son of a whore! 
"
1,6,Phillip,"Uhh, oh Terrance? What color is the wind?
"
1,6,Terrance,"Hmmm, I don't know, why don't you check? 
"
1,6,Phillip,"Oh, you farted. 
"
1,6,Terrance,"Ohho God. 
"
1,6,Terrance,"Hey Phillip, you know what my space suit smells like?
"
1,6,Phillip,"No Terrance, why don't you tell me?
"
1,6,Terrance,"Well, it smells like, a dirty fart! 
"
1,6,Stan,"Hey look!
"
1,6,Phillip,"Oh, there's one. 
"
1,6,Newscaster,"Hours have passed, and still the die hard South Park parents are killing themselves in front of the 'Toon Central building, one by one. Worse yet, the stomach flu that seems to be going around is...  Wait, wait, I'm getting word that the president of the network is going to make a statement! 
"
1,6,Townsman,"Wait, wait.
"
1,6,John Warzog,"Ladies and gentlemen, your nazi-esque tactics of trying to stink us out with your rancid feces ... has worked.  Therefore, today we will be officially taking Terrance & Phillip off the network and replacing it with reruns of She's the Sheriff, starring Suzanne Sommers.  Now get away from here, and take your diarrhea with you! 
"
1,6,Townsman,"Huh, oh no! 
"
1,6,Sheila,"At last, now we can return to normality.
"
1,6,Terrance,"Hey Phillip.
"
1,6,Phillip,"Yes Terrance?
"
1,6,Terrance,"Is there a penny stuck in my butt?
"
1,6,Phillip,"Well I don't know, Terrance, let me check.
"
1,6,Cartman,"Uh oh, don't look there, Phillip, you're gonna get farted on. 
"
1,6,TV Announcer,"We interrupt this program to bring you loud static. 
"
1,6,Death,"Mrrrrr!
"
1,6,Kids,"Ahhh!
"
1,6,Kyle,"Oh my God, they killed Kenny. You Bastard!!!
"
1,6,Stan,"Wow, I guess Death was just coming after Kenny the whole time.
"
1,6,Grampa,"Hey, you were supposed to kill me!
"
1,6,Death,"Mrrr.
"
1,6,Grampa,"That's not fair, Goddammit! My grampa asked me to kill him and I did it. 
"
1,6,Stan,"Whoa!
"
1,6,Great-Great-Grampa,"Billllyyyy...
"
1,6,Grampa,"Grampa?
"
1,6,Great-Great-Grampa,"That's right, Billy.
"
1,6,Grampa,"My name's not Billy, grampa. And what's wrong with you? Why do you look all haggard?
"
1,6,Great-Great-Grampa,"I asked you to kill me Billy, but I was wrong. And now I'm forced to spend eternity in limbo.
"
1,6,Grampa,"Limbo?
"
1,6,Great-Great-Grampa,"I was wrong to put you in that position Billy, just like you're wrong to put Little Billy in it now. You're so obsessed with ending your life, you're not thinking about what you're doing to his. You must wait to die of natural causes.
"
1,6,Grampa,"But I've been waiting for 25 years.
"
1,6,Great-Great-Grampa,"Let nature run its course, or else end up in limbo. Natural causes Billy, natural causes... 
"
1,6,Stan,"Come on you guys, let's go home. 
"
1,6,Sheila,"Here they are!
"
1,6,Randy,"Well, we did it son, we fought a battle for your well being, and won.
"
1,6,Stan,"What do you mean?
"
1,6,Carol,"We got Terrance & Phillip taken off the air.
"
1,6,Cartman,"You son of a bitch, your mom sucks!
"
1,6,Sheila,"But look what they put on. 
"
1,6,TV Announcer,"And now back to She's the Sheriff.
"
1,6,Cartman,"Ohhh, God, No!
"
1,6,Suzanne,"You are the one behind all these shenanigans.
"
1,6,Dude,"Yeah, well you're the stupid ho that started it.
"
1,6,Sheila,"What did he say?
"
1,6,Suzanne,"Up yours, buttmunch.
"
1,6,Sheila,"Whatwhatwhaaat!!!  Come on everybody, back to New York! 
"
1,6,Kyle,"Hey Stan, now that Terrance & Phillip has been taken off the air, what are we going to do for entertainment?
"
1,6,Stan,"I don't know. We, we could start breathing gas fumes.
"
1,6,Cartman,"My uncle says that smoking crack is kinda cool.
"
1,6,Kyle,"Hey, why don't we watch some of those porno movie thingies?
"
1,6,Stan,"Cool!
"
1,6,Cartman,"Yeah! 
"
1,6,Stan,"What are you doing grampa?
"
1,6,Grampa,"I'm planning a trip to Africa. Did you know that over 400 people are eaten naturally by lions in Africa every year?
"
1,6,Stan,"That's my silly grampa. 
"
1,7,Comrade 1,"Vladned chaviski. Bodad comrade Dobalsted. 
"
1,7,Comrade 2,"Graaah.
"
1,7,Comrade 1,"Ayyy!
"
1,7,Comrade 2,"Porchad. Hehe, vlided il chalfeka 
"
1,7,Comrade 1,"Shtaad, boded but shtaad. 
"
1,7,Comrade 2,"Oh, shtool. 
"
1,7,Comrade 1,"Shtool. 
"
1,7,Stan,"Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
"
1,7,Kyle,"You bastards!
"
1,7,Cartman,"What the hell is that thing?
"
1,7,Kyle,"It looks like a UFO.
"
1,7,Cartman,"There's no such thing as UFOs. 
"
1,7,Paramedic,"Let's get 'im to the morgue. 
"
1,7,Cartman,"Hey, wait til you see my Halloween costume tomorrow. It kicks ass.
"
1,7,Kyle,"Dude, it can't be cooler than mine.
"
1,7,Stan,"Hey man, we gotta get home and get our costumes ready. 
"
1,7,Mortician,"You know, I think death is least funny when it happens to a child. 
"
1,7,Marty,"Oh, yes, I know what you mean. 
"
1,7,Mortician,"Marty, do you have to put that stuff on everything?
"
1,7,Marty,"I don't know, it ju- it just makes everything taste so...English.
"
1,7,Mortician,"Well, let's let him drain. 
"
1,7,Mortician,"...So then the necrophiliac says, ""If this ain't a cadaver then I-""  Hey!
"
1,7,Marty,"Aaah!  God damn! That little turd bit me!
"
1,7,Mortician,"Me too! 
"
1,7,Kyle,"Ha ha, you look like a pansy.
"
1,7,Stan,"Shut up Kyle!
"
1,7,Kyle,"What uh, what are you supposed to be?
"
1,7,Stan,"I'm Raggedy Andy.
"
1,7,Kyle,"Hehe. Why the hell did you dress up like Raggedy Andy dude?
"
1,7,Stan,"Wendy's going as Raggedy Ann, and she said this way we'd win the costume contest for sure.
"
1,7,Kyle,"No way dude. I'm gonna win the costume contest with this sweet Chewbacca costume.
"
1,7,Stan,"Wendy said that first prize is two tons of candy.
"
1,7,Kyle,"Wow! Cool!
"
1,7,Cartman,"Hey, dudes.
"
1,7,Kyle,"Cartman! What kind of costume is that?
"
1,7,Cartman,"It's Adolf Hitler costume. Sieg Heil, sieg heil.
"
1,7,Stan,"Where'd you get that?
"
1,7,Cartman,"My mom made it, isn't it cool?
"
1,7,Kyle,"No it's not cool!
"
1,7,Cartman,"What are you supposed to be Stan, Howdy Doody?
"
1,7,Stan,"No, I'm Raggedy Andy, fatass!
"
1,7,Cartman,"Ohh, heh- wow, you look pretty cool. 
"
1,7,Kyle,"Hehe. Sissy.
"
1,7,Stan,"I'll kick your ass, Kyle!
"
1,7,Cartman,"Oh look out, Holly Hobby's all pissed off! 
"
1,7,Stan,"Hey look, Kenny's not dead.
"
1,7,Kyle,"You forgot to wear a costume Kenny.
"
1,7,Stan,"Yeah, what's the matter? Couldn't your family afford a costume for you?
"
1,7,Kyle,"Yeah, why's your family so poor Kenny?
"
1,7,Cartman,"Kenny's family is so poor that, yesterday, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.  I said, your family had to put a cardboard box up for a second mortgage, Kenny!  I'm talking to you Kenny, achtung!  Poor piece of crap.
"
1,7,Ms. Crabtree,"COME ON, WE'RE RUNNING LATE!
"
1,7,Stan,"Aah, we're always running late you ugly stank.
"
1,7,Ms. Crabtree,"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
"
1,7,Stan,"I said, ""I can't wait to own a fishing tank.""
"
1,7,Ms. Crabtree,"Oh, neither can I.
"
1,7,Doctor,"Very interesting.
"
1,7,Mortician,"What, what is it doc?
"
1,7,Doctor,"Well, your- your temperature is only 55 degrees, you have no pulse, no heartbeat, and your, your eyes are all puffy and sticky.
"
1,7,Mortician,"Oh no, you mean...
"
1,7,Doctor,"Yeah, I'm afraid the two of you have - Pink Eye.  I'd give you topical medicine, but I don't wanna touch ya.
"
1,7,Marty,"Oh I'm so hungry, and all I can think about eating is, eh, brains!
"
1,7,Doctor,"Yeah, well for God sake don't touch your eyes. I'll prescribe some antibiotics.
"
1,7,Kyle,"Just wait till everyone sees my sweet Chewbacca costume. They're gonna be so jealous... 
"
1,7,Stan,"Whoa, dude!
"
1,7,Kyle,"Everyone came as Chewbacca?!
"
1,7,Mr. Garrison,"It sure does seem to be a popular costume this year Kyle.
"
1,7,Mr. Hat,"Roar.
"
1,7,Kyle,"Dammit!
"
1,7,Stan,"Wendy?
"
1,7,Wendy,"Hi, Stan.
"
1,7,Stan,"You said we were going to be Raggedy Ann and Andy, remember?
"
1,7,Wendy,"Yeahhh?
"
1,7,Stan,"We were going to enter the costume contest as a pair.
"
1,7,Wendy,"I know, but then... I guess I just realized how stupid we would look.
"
1,7,Stan,"You what?!
"
1,7,Wendy,"I thought you would reach the same conclusion, so, I came as Chewbacca. 
"
1,7,Bill,"Heheh. Heheh.
"
1,7,Fosse,"Hey Stan, you look almost pretty enough to kiss.
"
1,7,Bill,"Yeah, you want to be my girlfriend? Huhuh. 
"
1,7,Fosse,"Yehaha.
"
1,7,Bill,"Huhuh.
"
1,7,Cartman,"There, you see? All of a sudden, my costume is pretty badass, huh?
"
1,7,Kyle,"Dude, dressing up like Hitler is not badass!
"
1,7,Cartman,"You're just jealous! Why don't you go back to Endor you stupid wookie?!
"
1,7,Kyle,"Wookies don't live on Endor!
"
1,7,Cartman,"Wookies don't live on Endor.
"
1,7,Kyle,"Well at least my mom's not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!
"
1,7,Cartman,"What?! What did you say?!
"
1,7,Mr. Garrison,"Okay now, all you little Chewbaccas take your seats.  Children, since today is Halloween, I thought we should learn something about the great horror writer, Jackie Collins. You see, when Jackie Collins first wrote her novel- 
"
1,7,Wendy,"Eww.
"
1,7,Mr. Garrison,"Is there a problem Kenny?  Let's try to keep our hands and arms to ourselves, okay?
"
1,7,Kyle,"I'm never gonna win that two tons of candy looking like everybody else!
"
1,7,Liane,"Oooh, I'm gonna decorate the house for Halloween,
with scary ghosts and bats and creepy crawly things...
Hello there!
"
1,7,Zombie,"Uuuhh.
"
1,7,Liane,"Happy Halloween!
"
1,7,Zombie Mortician,"Must eat brains. 
"
1,7,Liane,"It's the most wonderful time of the year
do do do do do do do do-
"
1,7,Passer-by,"Aaargh!!! Oh my God!!! 
"
1,7,Kyle,"I'm gonna make a new costume during recess. I can still win that candy.
"
1,7,Cartman,"Hey Kenny, are you gonna eat your pudding?  No Eric, go ahead and take my pudding, if you'd like.  Why thank you Kenny. How nice of you.
"
1,7,Kyle,"Aren't you hungry Kenny? 
"
1,7,Stan,"He hasn't moved an inch, or said anything.
"
1,7,Chef,"Hello children.
"
1,7,"Kyle, Stan","Hey Chef.
"
1,7,Chef,"What in the hell are you doing dressed up like that?!
"
1,7,Cartman,"Eating Kenny's pudding.
"
1,7,Principal Victoria,"Hello there, children. Ooh, love the Elvis costume, Chef.
"
1,7,Chef,"Elvis? I'm Evel Knievel. Why the hell would I dress up like Elvis?
"
1,7,Principal Victoria,"Well, why the hell would you dress up like Evel Knievel?  Anyway, I hope that you kids are-Daagh!  Eric, God bless it, what do you think you're doing?!
"
1,7,Cartman,"Hey, he said I could have his pudding! Ask him yourself.  That's right, Principal Victoria. It's okay with me because Eric is cool.
"
1,7,Principal Victoria,"Where did you get that costume, young man?!
"
1,7,Cartman,"My mom made it. Sieg Heil, Sieg Heil!
"
1,7,Principal Victoria,"Sshh! Oh, God bless America.  You get into my office before anyone else sees you. I have to show you an educational video.
"
1,7,Cartman,"Eeehh, I don't want to see a educational video-o. 
"
1,7,Clyde,"Owww, you bit my arm! 
"
1,7,Kyle,"Oh, good. Kenny's back to normal.
"
1,7,Principal Victoria,"Watch the video Eric. 
"
1,7,Narrator,"Adolph Hitler was a very, very naughty man.
"
1,7,Hitler,"Schnell ach. Lovental bros lieben. Alle Menschen werden Brüder. Doktor Stalin? Alarm! Menchoss? Zellan vei zamboa-
"
1,7,Cartman,"Juden est verboten, a den ascriber utz, kapieda hockuh. Juden est verboten, God dammit!
"
1,7,Puffy the Bear,"So remember kids, dressing like Hitler in school isn't cool!
"
1,7,Principal Victoria,"Now, do you have any questions?
"
1,7,Cartman,"Could I see that again? That was cool.
"
1,7,Principal Victoria,"You must remove that costume, immediately!
"
1,7,Cartman,"I can't, I have to win those two tons of candy.
"
1,7,Principal Victoria,"Well, how about we make you a new costume. Let's see now.  Aha, thought of something. How about we make you a nice scary ghost costume?
"
1,7,Cartman,"I don't wanna be a stupid scary ghost!
"
1,7,Principal Victoria,"Aaand, let me just make a few quickie alterations, and there ya go, young man. 
"
1,7,Jogger,"Ho, looks like they got a touch of that pink eye that's going around. 
"
1,7,Cartman,"Boo! I'm a ghost.
"
1,7,Stan,"Oh man, I feel like a total choad.
"
1,7,Cartman,"Aw, come on Stan, maybe that's just because you look like a total choad.
"
1,7,Chef,"Hello, children.
"
1,7,Cartman,"Hey Chef.
"
1,7,Chef,"Aaaaah! 
"
1,7,Cartman,"Whoa, Chef's really scared of ghosts, huh?
"
1,7,Stan,"Hey, where's Kyle?
"
1,7,Kyle,"Check this out!
"
1,7,Stan,"Whoa, dude!
"
1,7,Cartman,"What is that?
"
1,7,Kyle,"I'm the whole solar system! The planets even all revolve the right way. That tub of candy is as good as mine!
"
1,7,Mr. Garrison,"Okay children, let's get you lined up so the judge can get a good look at your stupid little costumes.  Children, this year we have a celebrity judge, the star of 'Family Ties', Miss Tina Yothers. 
"
1,7,Cartman,"Who?
"
1,7,Kyle,"Dude, I thought she was dead.
"
1,7,Stan,"Yeah, me too.
"
1,7,Mr. Garrison,"Thank you Miss Yothers.  Okay, the second place award for best costume goes to... Kenny, for his Edward James Olmos costume.  And the award for the very best costume goes to... Wendy, for her Chewbacca costume! 
"
1,7,Kyle,"What?! But she looks just like everybody else. Up yours, Tina Yothers! 
"
1,7,Mr. Garrison,"And the award for worst costume this year goes to... Stan, for his stupid little clown thing costume. Let's all point at Stan and laugh, children.  Yeah.
"
1,7,Stan,"Thanks a lot, Wendy! You ruined my Halloween!
"
1,7,Wendy,"Relax Stan. You'll feel better once we're out trick-or-treating.
"
1,7,Stan,"I don't wanna trick-or-treat with you. You lied to me.
"
1,7,Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children. Let's all gather around and bob for stupid apples now. You go first, Bebe.  That's good, just use those mouth muscles like the girls in Beijing.
"
1,7,Clyde,"Brainnns. Ahh. 
"
1,7,Mr. Garrison,"Wait your turn Clyde.
"
1,7,Johnson,"Uuuuuuuuuuuuuhh!
"
1,7,Chef,"Ah! Damn Johnson, what the hell's gotten into you?
"
1,7,Johnson,"Piiink eyyye.
"
1,7,Chef,"Get the hell out of here Johnson! I don't want no god damn pink eye! 
"
1,7,Tom,"...And the President responded to the incident by saying, quote, ""Screw those Commie bastards, and screw their little wussy space station.""  In other news, a pink eye epidemic is now sweeping the town of South Park. Here with a live report is a midget wearing a bikini.
"
1,7,Midget,"Thanks Tom, already more than half the townspeople here in South Park have been infected with the pink eye virus.  Symptoms include a complete loss of heart functions, blood pressure, lung activity, and of course, sticky puffy eyes.
"
1,7,Chef,"Pink eye my ass. I've seen this kind of thing before.
"
1,7,Cartman,"Where the hell is Kyle, we don't have all night to wait for him.
"
1,7,Stan,"I bet I get more candy than you dude.
"
1,7,Cartman,"Are you crazy?! I'm the candy master.
"
1,7,Stan,"No, no, you're the ass master, there's a difference.
"
1,7,Cartman,"Hey, I'm not the one who walked around all day looking like Pippi Longstocking.
"
1,7,Stan,"Oh yeah? Well, at least my mom's not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!
"
1,7,Cartman,"God damn it, my mom is not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!!
"
1,7,Kyle,"Hey dudes.
"
1,7,Stan,"Oh, good, you're here. Now let's make sure we got everything. Flashlight...
"
1,7,Cartman,"Check.
"
1,7,Stan,"Plastic pumpkin pails...
"
1,7,Kyle,"Check.
"
1,7,Stan,"Taser... 
"
1,7,Kyle,"What's that?
"
1,7,Stan,"For shocking people who try to give us granola treats, or something.
"
1,7,Cartman,"Yeah, granola pisses me off. 
"
1,7,"Kyle, Stan","Hey Kenny.
"
1,7,Cartman,"Whew! Eh, you stink Kenny.
"
1,7,Kyle,"You still didn't get a costume Kenny? 
"
1,7,Cartman,"Eh, too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire.  I said your dad would be a millionaire, get it?! Kenny?! Your family is poor Kenny!! Your family's poor!!!  I don't like Kenny anymore, he, he just doesn't communicate.
"
1,7,Wendy,"Hi guys.
"
1,7,Cartman,"Hi Wendy.
"
1,7,Stan,"How's your barrel full of candy Wendy?!
"
1,7,Wendy,"Oh, I didn't want all that sweet stuff. I gave it away to hungry children in Nairobi.
"
1,7,Cartman,"You what?! Are you insane?!
"
1,7,Wendy,"Let's go trick-or-treats.
"
1,7,Stan,"I don't think so Wendy, I think you've had enough candy for one day.
"
1,7,Wendy,"Stan, I'm awful sorry you got dressed up like Raggedy Andy. Please don't be mad.
"
1,7,Cartman,"How can he be mad with such pretty hair and rosy cheeks?
"
1,7,Stan,"Trick-or-treat with yourself, Wendy!
"
1,7,Wendy,"But Stan!
"
1,7,Stan,"No buts, Wendy! I wish you were dead! 
"
1,7,Wendy,"AAAAAAAAAAAH!
"
1,7,Chef,"Doctor!
"
1,7,Doctor,"Why, hello Chef. Let me guess, pink eye, right?
"
1,7,Chef,"No, no doctor, I've seen this type of thing before. This ain't no pink eye, it's the living dead.
"
1,7,Doctor,"What the hell are you talking about?
"
1,7,Chef,"Think about it: Dead people getting up and walking around, and Tina Yothers comin' to town? Coincidence?? Oooh I don't think so!
"
1,7,Doctor,"Chef, Ah- I think maybe the pink eye has made you a little delirious. Le- let me give you some, some topical cream.
"
1,7,Chef,"Damn it, don't you see? These people have been thematized. They got no heartbeat, no feeling. I'll show you. Errr! 
"
1,7,Mr. Torres,"Aaah!
"
1,7,Doctor,"Uhh, Mr. Torres was here for a routine check-up Chef.
"
1,7,Chef,"Oh, sorry.  But my point is, that topical cream ain't gonna fix what's wrong here. 
"
1,7,Doctor,"Hey hey, now, now, there, there have been a lot of incredible advances in topical creams over the last few years.
"
1,7,Chef,"Doctor, who is the first person to come in here with the sickness?
"
1,7,Doctor,"Well, uh, i- it was the mortician and his assistant at the morgue, yeah. 
"
1,7,Chef,"Aaaaaaaaaah! 
"
1,7,Doctor,"Now, now, now let's, let's form a line, I've got enough topical cream for everybody.  Ahh!
"
1,7,The Boys,"Trick-or-treat! 
"
1,7,Elderly Woman,"Ohh, how cute.  Aaah!
"
1,7,Stan,"Dude, Kenny!
"
1,7,Elderly Woman,"Oh, My God! Call 911, call 911! 
"
1,7,Cartman,"Nice going Kenny, she was about to give us candy.
"
1,7,Elderly Woman,"Call 911!
"
1,7,Stan,"Yeah, she had Sweetie Pops.
"
1,7,Cartman,"You owe me a Sweetie Pop, asshole!
"
1,7,Chef,"Mayor, we've got a big problem. 
"
1,7,Mayor,"Ugh!  Why, why Chef. What a surprise! 
"
1,7,Officer Barbrady,"You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
"
1,7,Chef,"Actually, uh-
"
1,7,Mayor,"Well, I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese Mafia.
"
1,7,Officer Barbrady,"Not a thingy-dingy.
"
1,7,Chef,"I don't really give a crap! We've got to do something about the living dead!
"
1,7,Mayor,"You mean, Tina Yothers? 
"
1,7,Chef,"No, dammit! I'm talking about the zombies that have taken over South Park!
"
1,7,Officer Barbrady,"Well, Evel Knievel, why don't you jump over them with your rocket cycle? 
"
1,7,Chef,"Aw, the hell with you both! 
"
1,7,Mayor,"Well, let's get back to it.
"
1,7,Officer Barbrady,"Righty-o. 
"
1,7,The Boys,"Trick-or-treat.
"
1,7,Dude,"Hope you kids like chocolate-peanut butter-cream puffies.  Aaah!  Get it off! Get it off me!! Gaaah! 
"
1,7,Cartman,"Damn it! We'll never get any candy if Kenny keeps eating people!
"
1,7,Stan,"Yeah! That's it Kenny, you can't trick-or-treat with us anymore!
"
1,7,Somebody,"Oh, God!
"
1,7,The Boys,"Trick-or-treat. 
"
1,7,Cartman,"Heyy. They're all dressed up like ghosts too.  One Tootie Bar? You cheap bastards!
"
1,7,Female,"Oh my God!  Oh my God!  Nooo!
"
1,7,The Boys,"Trick-or-t-Aaah! 
"
1,7,Chef,"Get off my property you brain eatin' zombie bastards!
"
1,7,The Boys,"Hey, Chef, trick-
"
1,7,"Stan, Kyle","Chef! No!
"
1,7,Chef,"Oh, sorry children. I thought you were one of them.
"
1,7,Cartman,"Can we have some candy now please?!
"
1,7,Chef,"Damn it boy, what in the hell are you doin' dressed up like that?!
"
1,7,Cartman,"I'm trying to trick-or-treat God dammit!
"
1,7,Chef,"Remind me to whup your ass good next time I see ya. Now, get in here before those zombies getcha! 
"
1,7,Stan,"What are you talking about Chef?
"
1,7,Chef,"Zombies children. South Park is overrun with the living dead. Haven't you noticed anything strange lately?
"
1,7,Kyle,"Well, not really, except that Kenny keeps eating people's brains.
"
1,7,Chef,"Don't you children see, Kenny's turned into a zombie. Along with everyone else in town.
"
1,7,Stan,"Oh my God, that means...
"
1,7,Kyle,"If everyone is turned into zombies...
"
1,7,Cartman,"Then, there won't be anyone to give us candy!  Aaah!
"
1,7,Kyle,"Chef, you've gotta help us!
"
1,7,Chef,"I'm working on it children. 
"
1,7,Stan,"Wait, where are we going?
"
1,7,Chef,"The doctor said the first people he treated were the mortician and his assistant. Now, I've gotta hunch we'll get to the bottom of this... at the morgue. 
"
1,7,Cartman,"It was Kyle.
"
1,7,Stan,"I don't know about this Chef.
"
1,7,Kyle,"Yeah, I'm scared.
"
1,7,Cartman,"Remember candy, focus on the candy.
"
1,7,Stan,"What are we doing here Chef?
"
1,7,Chef,"Just look for anything suspicious.
"
1,7,Kyle,"I found it! I found it!
"
1,7,Stan,"What?
"
1,7,Kyle,"See Cartman, your mom is on the cover.
"
1,7,Cartman,"Eh, shit...
"
1,7,Stan,"We told you dude.
"
1,7,Cartman,"You guys, shit...
"
1,7,Chef,"You better let me take that Kyle. 
"
1,7,Stan,"Hey Chef. Look.
"
1,7,Chef,"I gotta call this hotline number children.
"
1,7,Pip,"Piiink eye!
"
1,7,Cartman,"It's the British kid! He's a little limey zombie now!
"
1,7,Pip,"Aaah! 
"
1,7,Chef,"Look out children! 
"
1,7,Zombie,"Ow, ooh, ow, gowuh-
"
1,7,Stan,"Okay Chef, dial the hotline number. Chef? 
"
1,7,Kyle,"Chef!!! 
"
1,7,Chef,"I'm gonna make love, even when I'm dead.
My body might get cold, but it's always hot in my bed.
Make looove, don't you be afraid;
Just because my heart ain't beatin', it don't mean you won't get laid.
"
1,7,Stan,"Let's get out of here! 
"
1,7,Chef,"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
"
1,7,Stan,"We gotta call that Worcecestershire sauce hotline.
"
1,7,Cartman,"Hey, there's a pay phone!
"
1,7,Stan,"You call the number Kyle.
"
1,7,Kyle,"But the zombies are coming!
"
1,7,Stan,"We'll hold 'em off.
"
1,7,Hotline Voice,"Welcome to the Worcestershire Sauce customer service hotline. For Worcestershire sauce recipes please press 1 followed by the pound sign. For Worcestershire sauce product placement, please press 2. If Worcestershire sauce has been used as embalming, please pr... 
"
1,7,Cartman,"Nobody screws up my trick-or-treats and gets away with it!  Aaah, kew!
"
1,7,Stan,"Sweet! 
"
1,7,Hotline Voice,"Worcestershire sauce emergency hotline, this call might be monitored to ensure you the highest quality service, how may I help you?
"
1,7,Kyle,"There's a bunch of zombies here!
"
1,7,Hotline Voice,"Please hold.
"
1,7,Stan,"Wendy?
"
1,7,Wendy,"Aaahahah!
"
1,7,Cartman,"Finish her dude, she's a zombie now!
"
1,7,Stan,"I know, but uh-... but...
"
1,7,Cartman,"Come on Stan! Remember how she dissed you at the costume contest?
"
1,7,Stan,"Hey, yeah! 
"
1,7,Hotline Voice,"For regular sauce, the first thing you need to do is make sure that you do not just go out and start decapitating zombies left and right. Do you understand? Do not start decapitating zombies left and right!
"
1,7,Kyle,"Uh, okay. Then what?
"
1,7,Wendy,"Aaahh.
"
1,7,Stan,"Wendy, I know we had a fight, and I did wish you were dead, but, I didn't mean it.
"
1,7,Cartman,"Kill her Stan!
"
1,7,Hotline Voice,"All you have to do is kill the original zombie. The one that started the whole mess. Once you kill the original zombie, all the others zombies will turn back to normal.
"
1,7,Kyle,"Original zombie? Well, how the hell do we know who the original zombie is?!
"
1,7,Hotline Voice,"We realize you have a choice in worcestershire sauces, we are delighted that...
"
1,7,Kyle,"Wait a minute, that thing landed on Kenny, and they took him to the mortuary.
"
1,7,Wendy,"Aaah!
"
1,7,Stan,"I, I can't.
"
1,7,Wendy,"Aaah!
"
1,7,Kyle,"Oh my God! I killed Kenny! You bastard!
"
1,7,Wendy,"Oh, what happened? Stan?
"
1,7,Stan,"Don't worry babe. Everything's going to be okay.
"
1,7,Kyle,"It's working! They're turning back to normal.
"
1,7,Chef,"You did it children!
"
1,7,Cartman,"Ok, let's go trick-or-treatin' now, come on!
"
1,7,Wendy,"I'm sorry I dissed you at school like that Stan. I guess I just wasn't very considerate of your feelings.
"
1,7,Stan,"That's okay Wendy, I'm sorry I wished you were dead.
"
1,7,Wendy,"Maybe we could actually kiss tonight Stan.  Eww, gross Stan, sick! Barf is gross! 
"
1,7,Stan,"Oh man, I can't believe he's gone.
"
1,7,Kyle,"Yeah, he was too young to be taken from us.
"
1,7,Stan,"Dude, you're the one who cut him in half with a chain saw.
"
1,7,Cartman,"Let, let us remember the good times, Kenny would have wanted it that way. 
"
1,7,Stan,"You know, I've really learned something today. Halloween isn't about costumes, or candy. It's about being good to one another, and giving and loving.
"
1,7,Kyle,"...No, dude, that's Christmas.
"
1,7,Stan,"Oh, then, what's Halloween about?
"
1,7,Kyle,"Costumes and candy.
"
1,7,Stan,"Oh.
"
1,7,Cartman,"Well, let's go home, start eating that candy.
"
1,7,Kyle,"We can eat it at Cartman's house, and see more naughty pictures of his mom.
"
1,7,Stan,"Yeah.
"
1,7,Cartman,"Knock it off you guys, she said she was young, and needed the money.
"
1,7,Stan,"Cartman, those pictures were taken like, last month.
"
1,7,Cartman,"Lehh, eh, screw you guys!
"
1,7,Kenny,"(Heeeeyyyy, kick ass)  (Ow!) 
"
1,8,Stan,"That was awesome!
"
1,8,Kyle,"Yeah!
"
1,8,Liane,"Would you boys like some Cheesy Poofs?
"
1,8,Cartman,"Get out of the way mah! The Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special is on.
"
1,8,Liane,"Sure hon.
"
1,8,Cartman,"And yeah, we want Cheesy Poofs!
"
1,8,Phillip,"Hey Terrance! Looks like this might be a good place to start a new colony.
"
1,8,Terrance,"It sure does Phillip. No one will oppress our religion here. 
"
1,8,Phillip,"AAAAAH!  Aaah! You stained my pilgrim hat butt-pipe!
"
1,8,Cartman,"Did you guys see that? That was sweet.
"
1,8,TV Announcer,"Coming up next on the Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special, Phillip farts on Terrance, and laughs.
"
1,8,Kyle,"Oh, cool.
"
1,8,TV Announcer,"And now a word from our sponsor.
"
1,8,Sally Struthers,"Here in the heart of Africa children are dying. Not from disease or war, but from hunger. I'm Sally Struthers. These children are in desperate need, and only you can help.
"
1,8,Stan,"Hey, who's that fat chick?
"
1,8,Kyle,"Sally Struthers, dude. She used to be on Full House.
"
1,8,Stan,"Oh.
"
1,8,Sally Struthers,"You see, here, in the middle of Africa, food is extremely scarce.
"
1,8,Stan,"Doesn't look like she's having any trouble finding food.
"
1,8,Kyle,"Yeah, she's fatter than Cartman.
"
1,8,Cartman,"Yeah, HEY!
"
1,8,Sally Struthers,"For just five dollars a month you can sponsor a child.
"
1,8,Cartman,"That's stupid, who the hell would want to do that?
"
1,8,Sally Struthers,"Sponsor now and we'll also send you this Teiko digital sports watch as a free gift.
"
1,8,Cartman,"KICK ASS!!
"
1,8,Stan,"SWEET!
"
1,8,Kenny,"(Woohoo!)
"
1,8,Stan,"I'll call. I know my mom's credit card number. 
"
1,8,Kyle,"Did they say if it's waterproof?
"
1,8,Stan,"Hello? Is this Sally Struthers?  Oh.
"
1,8,Kyle,"What did she say?
"
1,8,Stan,"Shut up butt-pirate, I'm trying to hear.
"
1,8,Kyle,"Ass-raper.
"
1,8,Stan,"Yeah? Yeah. We want to adopt a starving Ethernopian.
"
1,8,Cartman,"When do we get the sports watch?
"
1,8,Stan,"Just a second fat-ass!
"
1,8,Cartman,"You vas-deferens!
"
1,8,Stan,"Hello? No, no, it's a ma- Vas-deferens?
"
1,8,Kenny,"(Dude, it's a pipe for your peepee)
"
1,8,Stan,"Oh.
"
1,8,Kyle,"Ask her if we get the watch right away.
"
1,8,Stan,"Do we get the sports watch right away?  She says we do.
"
1,8,All,"Cool.
"
1,8,Cartman,"I get to wear it first, you guys.
"
1,8,Kyle,"I can't wait to get out of school and get our Teiko sports watch.
"
1,8,Cartman,"Yeah, but I get to wear it first, I said.
"
1,8,Mr. Garrison,"Children, children! To honor this special time of year we'll be doing a canned food drive. Does anybody know what a canned food drive is?  Yes, Eric?
"
1,8,Cartman,"When they cut up a chick's stomach to get a baby out?
"
1,8,Mr. Garrison,"Noo, that's a Caesarian Section Eric, but that's okay, remember, there are no stupid questions, just stupid people.  A canned food drive is when we collect canned food for poor people who can't afford to eat on Thanksgiving.
"
1,8,Stan,"You mean, like Kenny?
"
1,8,Mr. Garrison,"Exactly.
"
1,8,Cartman,"Mr. Garrison? Why do poor people always smell like sour milk?
"
1,8,Mr. Garrison,"I don't know Eric, they just do.  Now children, I want each of you to bring in one can of food. And later, the mayor of South Park will divide it up amongst Kenny's family and other poor people.
"
1,8,Cartman,"I'm not bringin' in food for poor people, Screw them!
"
1,8,Wendy,"Don't you want to help those who are less fortunate?!
"
1,8,Cartman,"Hey you guys, do you hear something?! Ah- I think I hear the flower children calling!
"
1,8,Wendy,"This is the one time of year you're supposed to care about people who can't eat!
"
1,8,Cartman,"Isn't it enough that I pay taxes?! What about the poor houses that, that I pay for?!
"
1,8,Wendy,"Many would rather die than go to those places!
"
1,8,Cartman,"Well then, perhaps they should, and decrease the surplus population!
"
1,8,Mr. Garrison,"Okay kids, that's enough Dickens for one day. Let's get on with our lesson, right Mr. Hat?
"
1,8,Mr. Hat,"That's right, Mr. Garrison, Englebert Humperdink was the first person on the moon, who was the second?
"
1,8,Clyde,"Aaaah!
"
1,8,Mr. Garrison,"What the hell is going on?! 
"
1,8,Clyde,"Aaaah!
"
1,8,Mr. Garrison,"Well, you don't see that everyday.
"
1,8,The Mayor,"Okay. Now, once we have all the canned foods collected we'll need some clever way to distribute them to the poor.
"
1,8,Aide 2,"It should be something festive.
"
1,8,Mephesto,"Mayor, we've got a very big problem.
"
1,8,The Mayor,"Ahh, you're that insane genetic engineer from up on the hill, right?
"
1,8,Mephesto,"Yes, and I may have made a horrible mistake. I was trying to genetically engineer turkeys for Thanksgiving.
"
1,8,The Mayor,"Uh huh.
"
1,8,Mephesto,"You know, to provide food for the needy.
"
1,8,The Mayor,"Of course. 
"
1,8,Mephesto,"Well, something went wrong and the turkeys broke free. And the worst part is, they're REALLY pissed off.
"
1,8,The Mayor,"Naturally.  Oh, do go on.
"
1,8,Mephesto,"We have to stop them or, or they could destroy everything. Time is short.
"
1,8,The Mayor,"You were saying?
"
1,8,Mephesto,"They act just like normal turkeys, except they're evil.
"
1,8,The Mayor,"Oh, my! 
"
1,8,Mephesto,"Somehow I don't think you're taking me seriously.
"
1,8,The Mayor,"Uh now why would you say that?
"
1,8,Everybody,"Did it come? Did it come? Is it here yet?
"
1,8,Cartman,"I get to use it first you guys!  Mom, did our digital sports watch come yet?
"
1,8,Liane,"Not yet hon.
"
1,8,Stan,"Damn.
"
1,8,Kyle,"Hey, look you guys.
"
1,8,TV Announcer,"And now, back to Part 2 of the Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special .
"
1,8,Terrance,"I sure am cold, Phillip.
"
1,8,Phillip,"Yes, and hungry too. Being a pilgrim totally sucks ass.
"
1,8,Terrance,"Gosh, I hope we don't starve.
"
1,8,Phillip,"Ah, a squeaker!
"
1,8,Kyle,"The digital sports watch is here.
"
1,8,Cartman,"What the hell?
"
1,8,Stan,"Dude, that's not a digital sports watch.
"
1,8,Kyle,"Hey, it looks like one of those Etheropians.
"
1,8,Stan,"Oh man, they must have accidentally sent him instead of the sports watch.
"
1,8,Kyle,"Maybe they took it literally when we said we wanted to adopt a kid.  Whoa! That was cool.
"
1,8,Stan,"Yeah, how did he make those clicking sounds?
"
1,8,Kyle,"What's your name dude?
"
1,8,Kid,"Mabin.
"
1,8,Stan,"I think he said his name is Marvin.
"
1,8,Cartman,"Yeah, Starvin' Marvin.
"
1,8,Kyle,"Nice to meet you Starvin' Marvin.
"
1,8,Cartman,"Hey mooom?
"
1,8,Liane,"Yes hon?
"
1,8,Cartman,"We found a Etheropian, can we keep him?
"
1,8,Liane,"Sure, hon.
"
1,8,Cartman,"Sweet. 
"
1,8,Stan,"Dude, let's bring him to school tomorrow.
"
1,8,Kyle,"Come on Starvin' Marvin, I want you to meet my little brother.
"
1,8,Cartman,"No no! He's my son! I adopted him.
"
1,8,Stan,"It was my mom's credit card.
"
1,8,Kyle,"Okay, okay, wewe'll switch off. Starvin' Marvin can stay here for a week, then at Stan's, then with me.
"
1,8,Cartman,"Yeah, and never with Kenny, because his family is too poor.
"
1,8,Kyle,"Totally. 
"
1,8,Cartman,"Ahh!
"
1,8,Woman,"Look how the leaves fall so delicately on the surface of the pond. It's so beautiful.
"
1,8,Man,"Not as beautiful as you.
"
1,8,Woman,"Ooooh. 
"
1,8,Man,"Oh darling, look. Thanksgiving turkeys.
"
1,8,Woman,"Oohh, they're so beautiful.
"
1,8,Man,"Not as beautiful as you.
"
1,8,Woman,"Look at the way they foam at the mouth, like beautiful suds of beer.
"
1,8,Man,"Not as beautiful as- 
"
1,8,Stan,"This is a great way for you to experience America Starvin' Marvin. This is what we call an 'all you can eat buffet.'
"
1,8,Cartman,"Yeah. Here you get to eat all you want for only $6.99. That's why we all come here on Tuesday nights, except for Kenny's family 'cause to them $6.99 is two-years income.  Why is your family poor Starvin' Marvin? Is your dad an alcoholic too?  You see Starvin' Marvin, these are what we call appetizers.
"
1,8,Marvin,"Ap-ee-tizer.
"
1,8,Cartman,"This is what you eat before you eat, to make you more hungry.  Welp, food is here, that's it for the appetizers. 
"
1,8,Cartman,"No Starvin' Marvin, that's my pot-pie.
"
1,8,Stan,"Cartman, you butt-pipe, this is the time of year you're supposed to share.
"
1,8,Cartman,"Oh yeah, you're right.  Are you gonna eat all of your peach cobbler? No, you don't want all that, why don't you share it with me, man?  Just slide that right on over here. Let me just have some of that here...
"
1,8,Mr. Garrison,"Children, children! I'm a little disappointed in your Thanksgiving spirit. Only a few cans have been donated to our canned food drive.  And can't we do a little better than ... Creamed Corn ... uh ... Creamed Corn ... and ... Creamed Corn?  Please bring in more diverse food children or else Kenny's family is going to have a pretty corny Thanksgiving.  Corny...Gravy...Corny Thanksgiving, hoo. Hahhaa. Anyway children, I understand a few of you have brought in something special for show-and-tell.
"
1,8,Stan,"Yeah, yeah, we do!
"
1,8,Cartman,"Yeah, that's right.
"
1,8,Kyle,"We do!
"
1,8,Mr. Garrison,"All right boys, show us what you've brought. 
"
1,8,Kyle,"This is our new Ethernopian, Starvin' Marvin. 
"
1,8,Stan,"He can do really cool stuff with his voice. Show 'em Starvin' Marvin. 
"
1,8,Cartman,"No, Starvin' Marvin, that's Kenny's creamed corn.  No Starvin' Marvin, that's a bad Starvin' Marvin!
"
1,8,Mr. Garrison,"Boys, what the hell are you doing?! This is horribly, horribly wrong. How did you get this child?
"
1,8,Stan,"He was accidentally delivered to us instead of a sports watch.
"
1,8,Mr. Garrison,"The sports watch from the commercial?
"
1,8,Kyle,"Yeah, that one.
"
1,8,Bebe,"I want a Starvin' Marvin.
"
1,8,Clyde,"Me too.
"
1,8,Pip,"Yes, I'll pay fifty dollars for one.
"
1,8,Class,"Yeah, I want one too, yeah me, me.
"
1,8,Mr. Garrison,"Boys, you're too young to take care of a child! I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the Red Cross and have him returned.
"
1,8,Kyle,"Ah, I told you we shouldn't have brought him to school dude.
"
1,8,Principal Victoria,"Okay, thank you very much. Yes, you can pick him up tonight. Bye now.  Now boys, I hope you've learned your lesson.
"
1,8,Stan,"No.
"
1,8,Principal Victoria,"You can't care for this child!
"
1,8,Kyle,"But I thought we were supposed to care on Thanksgiving.
"
1,8,Principal Victoria,"Yes, but you don't actually get involved with the child's life. You're supposed to just send money, and once in a while they write you a letter. You see, Marvin didn't grow up in a normal place like South Park.
"
1,8,Stan,"So why can't he live here now?
"
1,8,Principal Victoria,"Because he can't!
"
1,8,Kyle,"Because why?
"
1,8,Principal Victoria,"Because eight-year olds can't be parents!
"
1,8,Kyle,"Then you take care of him.
"
1,8,Principal Victoria,"I can't, I, umm...I'm very busy.  I send my five dollars a month, see? 
"
1,8,Stan,"This sucks, Starvin' Marvin is our friend.
"
1,8,Cartman,"Oh well, back to the poor country with you.
"
1,8,Kyle,"You better watch what you say Cartman! You might be poor and hungry some day.
"
1,8,Cartman,"B-huh, huh. Yeah, right.
"
1,8,Mephesto,"I knew that you were the only person who would listen to me Chef.
"
1,8,Chef,"Yeah, well, let's get it over with. This place gives me the booboojeebees.
"
1,8,Mephesto,"Look here in my microscope; tell me what you see.
"
1,8,Chef,"Uhh, I seee...an extreme close up of ...Vanessa Redgrave's private parts.
"
1,8,Mephesto,"Oh, whoops.  Now tell me what you see.
"
1,8,Chef,"Well, I'm no biologist, but I'd say it looks like turkey DNA.
"
1,8,Mephesto,"Precisely, but look how rapidly it's dividing.
"
1,8,Chef,"What does it mean?
"
1,8,Mephesto,"Means the turkeys are growing at an exponential rate. If we don't destroy them all, they'll take over the town. Maybe the world.
"
1,8,Chef,"Oh, fudge!  Uhh, let me see that Vanessa Redgrave thing again.
"
1,8,Mephesto,"Sure. 
"
1,8,Agent 1,"Hello there little boy, we're looking for a starving African child who was accidentally sent here instead of a Teiko sports watch.
"
1,8,Cartman,"Hey, hey, what's going on?!  Hey, let go of me! God-! Ey! I'll kick you in the nuts. D'you hear me?!
"
1,8,Agent 1,"Here's your sports watch son, sorry for the mix-up.
"
1,8,Cartman,"Hey! Hey seriously! Hey, you're pissing me off, Starvin' Marvin! 
"
1,8,Marvin,"Sweet.
"
1,8,The Mayor,"So how does this thing work?
"
1,8,Aide,"Well mayor, it's based on the cash grab, but instead of money, the cans of food are blown around inside the capsule. The POV inside catches as many as he can to feed his family.
"
1,8,The Mayor,"POVVVV?
"
1,8,Aide,"Poverty stricken citizen.
"
1,8,The Mayor,"Ohhoho, brilliant.  Daah!! What the hell is this!! 
"
1,8,Aide,"I don't know mayor, I don't think it's listed on the program.
"
1,8,Mephesto,"They're increasing in number mayor. These are the vicious turkeys I warned you about.
"
1,8,Chef,"It's a, Ih-ihit's true mayor! Those turkeys just ripped apart my cafeteria!  Whooa! You won't get away with this, you bastards!
"
1,8,Kyle,"Wow! Those are some pissed off turkeys!
"
1,8,The Mayor,"OKAY PEOPLE, DON'T PANIC! BRING OUT THE DEFENSE SQUAD! 
"
1,8,Mephesto,"We need more than that! They'll only come back in increased numbers!
"
1,8,Terrance,"Hey Phillip, could you pass the beans?
"
1,8,Phillip,"Beans? Uh oh, looks like we'll be at war with these Indians soon.
"
1,8,Terrance,"Huh, eh,  wait wait wait.  Eh, eh.  Here it comes, ehhhh.  Daaaah, I crapped in my pants!
"
1,8,Phillip,"Aaaah.  I think you got some spatter on Chief Running Wolf. 
"
1,8,Terrance,"I spattered his face! 
"
1,8,Phillip,"Now he's a smelly Indian. 
"
1,8,TV Announcer,"We'll be back to part 14 of the Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special, right after this.
"
1,8,Sally Struthers,"Hunger is an enemy that we all must fight. These children desperately need your support.
"
1,8,Cartman,"Hey, somebody get me out of here! This sucks!
"
1,8,Sally Struthers,"So please, call and adopt a child today.
"
1,8,Cartman,"I'm seriously getting pissed off over here!!
"
1,8,Liane,"You want some more Cheesy Poofs hon?
"
1,8,Marvin,"Yeah, I want da Cheesy Poof.
"
1,8,Liane,"Okay.
"
1,8,Marvin,"Sweet.
"
1,8,Cartman,"Eh, This is serious bullshit! There has to be a Happy Burger around here somewhere.  Excuse me, I am a lost little boy, could you help me?  Well, screw you too!  What the?! Who the hell let all these flies in here?! Hasn't anybody ever heard of insect repellent?! 
"
1,8,The Mayor,"All right everyone, it's time to give out canned food to the poor, haa. 
"
1,8,Stan,"Hey, where's Cartman?
"
1,8,Kyle,"I don't know. Do you know where he is, Marvin? 
"
1,8,The Mayor,"Looks like we have the turkey problem under control. It's time to embrace the spirit of giving with the canned food grab.  Come on, hurry up.
"
1,8,Mrs. McCormick,"Grab a lot son.
"
1,8,The Mayor,"Have a happy Thanksgiving! Let 'er rip!  Cuhome on, grab those cans little boy!
"
1,8,"Stan, Kyle","Come on, Kenny!
"
1,8,Stuart,"Come on, son!
"
1,8,The Mayor,"Now, let's see all the goodies you're going to take home to your family.  It...looks like he got a... a-a can of- string beans. Hehe. 
"
1,8,Chef,"What the-?!
"
1,8,Stan,"Dude, the mutant turkeys are back! 
"
1,8,Officer Barbrady,"Okay people, move along, nothing to see here you looky-loos.
"
1,8,Mephesto,"I tried to tell you, but you didn't listen.
"
1,8,Chef,"Gather around everybody, and listen good. Go to your homes and arm your...  What the hell are you supposed to be anyway?
"
1,8,Mephesto,"That's not important right now.
"
1,8,Chef,"No! What the hell is this little thing supposed to be? It doesn't look like anything.
"
1,8,The Mayor,"Chef, the turkeys!
"
1,8,Chef,"Oh, All right. Listen up everybody, and listen good. Go to your homes and arm yourselves with whatever you can. We'll meet back here in fifteen minutes. Hurry!  We are not going to let our Thanksgiving be ruined by a bunch of turkeys.
"
1,8,Cartman,"Damn, you guys, seriously, I'm hungry. I have to eat.  Ah, sweet! The Red Cross!  I'll have fried chicken and a side of mashed potatoes please.
"
1,8,Red Cross Dude,"Sorry kid, but we're out of food. We ran out of funding. 
"
1,8,Cartman,"What?!
"
1,8,Red Cross Dude,"We just couldn't get enough sponsors back home, so now we've got to pack it up.
"
1,8,Cartman,"But I'm not a starving Etheropian! I have to get back home too!
"
1,8,Red Cross Dude,"Sorry dude, we just don't have any funds. Here, have a Teiko sports watch.
"
1,8,Cartman,"WEEEEEEAK!!!
"
1,8,The Mayor,"People, we all have to do our part against the evil turkeys.
"
1,8,Townsperson 1,"There's too many of them.
"
1,8,The Mayor,"Come on! Where is that Thanksgiving spirit?!
"
1,8,Townsperson 2,"We can't stop them.
"
1,8,Chef,"Today, you fight for your city! You fight for your honor! These turkeys will continue to push until they have taken everything from us! These fudged up turkeys from the the crustaceous era can take our lives, but they can never take...our FREEDOM!!!
"
1,8,Crowd,"Wooo, yeahhh, woo.
"
1,8,Leader Turkey,"Gobble, gobble. Gobble gobble. Gob, gobble. Gob, gob, gob, Gobble!!
"
1,8,Kyle,"Here you go turkeys! 
"
1,8,The Mayor,"Does my hair look okay?
"
1,8,Cartman,"Can't go on... need... appetizer... eh...  I'm sorry, God, I'm sorry I mocked poor people. I'm sorry I wasn't more sensitive. Please, Please God, uhh.  Heh, my god has forsaken me. Eh, err.  Huh, I wonder what's in here?  SNACKY CAKES!! MMMM!  Sally Struthers?!
"
1,8,Sally Struthers,"Who the hell are you?!
"
1,8,Cartman,"Gimme that cake!
"
1,8,Sally Struthers,"Nooho, this is my cake!
"
1,8,Cartman,"No Sally Struthers, you gimme that cake!
"
1,8,Sally Struthers,"NOO! You can't have any!
"
1,8,Cartman,"No Sally Struthers, that's my cake eh-ehhhh!  You guys, Sally Struthers is holding food from us!!! 
"
1,8,Sally Struthers,"Uh oh. 
"
1,8,Chef,"Stay close children. 
"
1,8,"Stan, Kyle, Kenny","Yeaaa!
"
1,8,Kenny,"(O Oh) 
"
1,8,Stan,"Oh my god, they've killed Kenny!
"
1,8,Kyle,"You bastards!
"
1,8,Jimbo,"The last three are getting away, shoot 'em Ned. 
"
1,8,Stan,"We did it!! 
"
1,8,Mephesto,"My God, what have we done?
"
1,8,Chef,"We've saved Thanksgiving!
"
1,8,Mephesto,"But all those poor turkeys, theh- they're all dead.
"
1,8,Chef,"Every turkey dies, not every turkey truly lives.
"
1,8,Mephesto,"As horrible as they were theh- they felt like a part of me. Perhaps I shouldn't be toying with God's creations, perhaps I should-
"
1,8,Chef,"Yeah, yeah, yeah.
"
1,8,Agent 2,"Excuse me sir, we're looking for a little starving Ethiopian boy who was accidentally delivered to South Park instead of a Teiko sports watch.
"
1,8,Agent 1,"Have you seen anyone fitting this description.
"
1,8,Officer Barbrady,"Oh, that could be a hundred kids in this town mister.
"
1,8,Agent 1,"There you are. Are you ready to go home now?
"
1,8,Stan,"Wow, it sucks he has to leave.
"
1,8,Kyle,"Yeah, I like him a lot more than Cartman.
"
1,8,Stan,"You know, I think I've learned something today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people.  But they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials, but, people on TV are just as real as you or I.
"
1,8,Kyle,"Yeah.  And that means that McGyver is a real person too.
"
1,8,Red Cross Chick,"We're terribly sorry about the mix-up little boy. We'll get you back home immediately.
"
1,8,Cartman,"That's right you will, God-Damnit.  Move it POVs, I'm an American!
"
1,8,Ethiopian,"A baba, gluck gluck bababab ga.
"
1,8,Marvin,"Baba gook gook ba.
"
1,8,Sally Struthers,"(What are you doing?  Let me off of here!)
"
1,8,Stuart,"Lord, on this day of thanks, we would like to extend our deepest gratitude for this incredible bounty of green beans you have bestowed upon us. And though for some reason you found it necessary to take our son from us , and though you for some reason find pleasure in watching us suffer, still, we give thanks. Amen.
"
1,8,Mrs. McCormick,"Amen.  Does anybody have a can opener?
"
1,8,Stuart,"God Damn-it.
"
1,9,Class,"We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year!
"
1,9,Stan,"Lights, please.  And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flocks by night.  And lo, an angel of the Lord came upon them, and they were sore afraid, and the angel said unto them, 'Fear not, for behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, for born unto you this day in the city of...David is the Savior, Jesus Christ, the Lord.  Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace, goodwill towards men'And now, South Park Elementary presents the Birth of Jesus
"
1,9,Wendy,"Unh  Oh!
"
1,9,Kyle,"Come on, Mary!  Push!
"
1,9,Wendy,"Aaaah!
"
1,9,Kyle,"I can see its head!
"
1,9,Wendy,"UUuuhh-UUuuhh 
"
1,9,Kyle,"It's a boy! 
"
1,9,Cartman,"Oohhhh!
"
1,9,Kenny,"(Kyle has Jesus' head instead!)
"
1,9,Mr. Garrison,"Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, Kyle, what the hell was that?  You need to hold the baby by the legs, not by the head.  What kind of sick weirdo are you?
"
1,9,Kyle,"...Sorry
"
1,9,Mr. Garrison,"And Wendy, I'm still not believing the labor pains.
"
1,9,Wendy,"Okay
"
1,9,Sheila,"Mr. Garrison, what the hell do you think you're doing?!
"
1,9,Mr. Garrison,"Well, I'm trying to direct the school Christmas play, but your son was holding the baby Jesus fetus by the head 
"
1,9,Sheila,"How dare you include the Nativity in a school play?  Don't you realize my son is Jewish?! 
"
1,9,Mr. Garrison,"...So?
"
1,9,Sheila,"So what makes you think he should play Joseph of Arimathea?
"
1,9,Mr. Garrison,"Because it's Christmas???
"
1,9,Sheila,"Our family doesn't celebrate Christmas. 
"
1,9,Mr. Garrison,"Ogod, you're not gonna lay that Channukah crap on me, are you?
"
1,9,Sheila,"Whatwhatwhaaat?!? You're not going to get away with this, Mr. Garrison!!
"
1,9,Cartman,"Oh dude!  Kyle's mom is here to ruin Christmas!
"
1,9,Kyle,"Shut up, fat boy!
"
1,9,Cartman,"I'm not fat, I'm festively plump.
"
1,9,Stan,"Why are you Jewish on Christmas, Kyle?
"
1,9,Mr. Garrison,"O-kay!  Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?
"
1,9,Sheila,"How about the dreidl song, bubbe?
"
1,9,Kyle,"I can sing the Mr. Hankey song...
"
1,9,Mr. Garrison,"The Mr. Hankey song-how does that go?
"
1,9,Kyle,"Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
he loves me and I love y-
"
1,9,Stan,"Christmas Poo?
"
1,9,Cartman,"What the hell is Christmas Poo?
"
1,9,Kyle,"Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. Haven't you guys ever heard of it?
"
1,9,Sheila,"Kyle, that is enough!
"
1,9,Mr. Garrison,"See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a pagan.
"
1,9,Sheila,"Now that does it! I'm going straight to the mayor about you, Mr Garrison.
"
1,9,Mr. Garrison,"Oh wait wait wait. Was it the pagan remark?
"
1,9,Wendy,"You guys, look!  It's snowing! 
"
1,9,Stan,"Whoa, Christmas snow!
"
1,9,Wendy,"Try to catch snowflakes on your tongue  It's fun.
"
1,9,Kenny,"Ptui. 
"
1,9,Stan,"That was sick, dude!
"
1,9,Cartman,"Hey!  What the hell are you doing?  Jewish people can't eat Christmas snow!
"
1,9,Kyle,"We can, too!
"
1,9,Stan,"...nnnaw I think it's against the law, dude.
"
1,9,Kyle,"Officer Barbrady!
"
1,9,Officer Barbrady,"What? 
"
1,9,Kyle,"Is it illegal for Jewish people to eat Christmas snow?
"
1,9,Officer Barbrady,"Yyess.
"
1,9,Kyle,"Damnit!
"
1,9,Stan,"Hey come on guys.  We have to go to the mall and tell Santa Claus what we want for Christmas.
"
1,9,Cartman,"Yeah.  We'll see you later, Kyle.  Guess there's no reason for you to come, since you don't get Christmas presents.
"
1,9,Kyle,"No.  But I get Channukah presents for eight days.
"
1,9,Cartman,"Too bad it's usually a dreidel or something lame like that.
"
1,9,Stan,"We'll catch up with you later, Kyle. 
"
1,9,Kyle,"Wait!  I may not have Santa, but I do have Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo.
"
1,9,Stan,"Wha-what is this about Christmas Poo, dude?
"
1,9,Kyle,"Mr. Hankey.  He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet.
"
1,9,Cartman,"Uh, Kyle?  Come on, seriously?  You are really reaching right now.
"
1,9,Kyle,"Well!  You're gonna be sorry when you see me riding around on Santa's sleigh with Mr. Hankey, fatass!
"
1,9,Cartman,"You're not gonna ride on Santa's sleigh 'cause you're a Jew, Kyle. 
"
1,9,Stan,"See you around, dude. 
"
1,9,Kyle,"It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas
My friends won't let me join in any games
And I can't sing Christmas songs or decorate a Christmas tree
or leave water out for Rudolph 'cause there's something wrong with me
My people don't believe in Jesus Christ's divinity
I'm a Jew
A lonely Jew
On Christmas
Channukah is nice, but why is it
That Santa passes over my house every year?
And instead of eating ham I have to eat kosher latke
Instead of Silent Night I'm singing huhash dogavish
And what the fuck is up with lighting all these fucking candles, tell me please?
I'm a Jew
A lonely Jew
I'd be merry
But I'm Hebrew
On Christ-maas
"
1,9,The Mayor,"Ahem. Okay everybody, settle down.
"
1,9,Large woman,"Mayor, we are deeply offended by the Nativity scene in front of the capital office. Church and State are separate!
"
1,9,Some men,"No! Wrong!
"
1,9,Kyle,"What's going on, you guys?
"
1,9,Stan,"The whole town's pissed off at each other.  It's really sweet.
"
1,9,Sheila,"That isn't all, Mayor!  The school play is doing a Nativity scene!  It isn't being sensitive to the Jewish community!
"
1,9,Mr. Garrison,"You are the Jewish community!
"
1,9,Crowd,"Yeah!  Yeah!
"
1,9,Cartman,"Oh, boy!  Superbitch is at it again!
"
1,9,Kyle,"Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
"
1,9,Priest,"Mayor, the Nativity is what Christmas is all about.  If you remove Christ, you must remove Santa and Frosty and all of that garbage, too! 
"
1,9,Woman,"Hallelujah!
"
1,9,Man,"Amen!
"
1,9,Tree hugger,"And we must put a stop to the cutting down of Christmas trees!
"
1,9,Man 1,"Raah!
"
1,9,Man 2,"Give me a break!
"
1,9,Uncle Jimbo,"And I'm sick and tired of those little flaps on coffee lids.  If you don't want to spill your coffee, you shouldn't be driving with it.
"
1,9,Crowd,"Yeah!  Yeah!
"
1,9,The Mayor,"Okay, people, we clearly need to reach a compromise.  Perhaps we need a new icon for Christmas.
"
1,9,Assistant 1,"Oooo, brilliant idea, Mayor! 
"
1,9,Kyle,"Hey!  How about Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo?
"
1,9,The Mayor,"Ex-cuse me?
"
1,9,Kyle,"Mr. Hankey.  He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet.
"
1,9,Sheila,"Kyle!  Sshhh!
"
1,9,Kyle,"It's true.  He doesn't care what faith you are.
Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
he loves me and I love you
Therefore, vicariously he loves you
Even if-
"
1,9,Cartman,"Never mind him.  He's a very disturbed little boy.
"
1,9,Kenny,"(Kyle's crazy!)
"
1,9,Stan,"Yeah.
"
1,9,Sheila,"Okay, Kyle, we're leaving right nowww. 
"
1,9,Kyle,"Wait...
"
1,9,The Mayor,"Anyway, I'll put together a crack team of my best workers to make sure this'll be the most non-offensive Christmas ever - to any religious or minority group of any kind.  Are there any other suggestions?  Yyes, Mr. Garrison.
"
1,9,Mr. Garrison,"Can we get rid of all the Mexicans?
"
1,9,The Mayor,"No, Mr. Garrison, we cannot get rid of all the Mexicans
"
1,9,Mr. Garrison,"Rats!
"
1,9,Gerald,"It is sick and disgusting, and we simply will not have it!
"
1,9,Sheila,"Your father's right, Kyle.
"
1,9,Gerald,"Sheila, let me handle this.  Having imaginary friends is fine, Kyle, but this simply will not do!
"
1,9,Sheila,"Listen to your father, Kyle.
"
1,9,Gerald,"Now, I want you to repeat after me: 'There is no such thing as Mr. Hankey'
"
1,9,Kyle,"But dad, he always sh...
"
1,9,Gerald,"Say it!
"
1,9,Kyle,"There's no such thing as Mr. Hankey.
"
1,9,Gerald,"Again!
"
1,9,Kyle,"There's no such thing as Mr. Hankey.
"
1,9,Sheila,"This is for your own good, bubbe.
"
1,9,Gerald,"Now, you go brush your teeth and march into bed!  You won't be opening your Channukah present tonight!
"
1,9,Kyle,"Probably just another stupid dreidel anyway.
"
1,9,Gerald,"What did you say?!
"
1,9,Kyle,"I said Ike's on fire!
"
1,9,Ike,"Oh oh. On flame? Oh oh. On flame?
"
1,9,Sheila,"Oh my God! 
"
1,9,Kyle,"It isn't fair!  I don't want to be an outcast!
"
1,9,Voice,"Kyle.
"
1,9,Kyle,"I'm not hearing that.
"
1,9,Voice,"Kyle.
"
1,9,Kyle,"Mr. Hankey?
"
1,9,Mr. Hankey,"Howwwwdy-hoooo.  Howdy-ho, Kyle. Gosh, you're looking swell.
"
1,9,Kyle,"Go away, Mr. Hankey.
"
1,9,Mr. Hankey,"You know something, Kyle?  You smell an awful lot like flowers.
"
1,9,Kyle,"I said go away!  My father said you aren't real.
"
1,9,Mr. Hankey,"Not real? Well shucks.  If I weren't real, could I sing this jolly Christmas song? 
Santa Claus is on his way
He's loaded goodies on his sleigh
To drop them off on Christmas Day''
And I'll say 'Howdy-ho' 
"
1,9,Kyle,"Mr. Hankey! Sshhhh! I'll get in trouble.
"
1,9,Mr. Hankey,"Folks'll gather round the fire
sing a song, stroll the choir
Pretty song they'll all retire
And I'll say 'Howdy-ho' 
"
1,9,Gerald,"Kyle, what are you doing in there?
"
1,9,Kyle,"Nothing.
"
1,9,Gerald,"Open this door!
"
1,9,Mr. Hankey,"I hope that Santa comes real soon
I've been waiting for some we...
"
1,9,Kyle,"Mr. Hankey, come here. 
"
1,9,Gerald,"KYLE!
"
1,9,Kyle,"Say something, Mr. Hankey! 
"
1,9,Gerald,"Now, you get to sleep, and think about how your poor mother has to clean that bathroom up!
"
1,9,Sheila,"Whatwhatwhaaat?!  Me?! 
"
1,9,Mr. Hankey,"Howdy-ho!
"
1,9,Kyle,"Mr. Hankey!  Where the hell did you go?
"
1,9,Mr. Hankey,"You should be wearing socks to sleep, Kyle.  You're gonna catch a cold.
"
1,9,Kyle,"Nobody believes in you, not even my friends.
"
1,9,Mr. Hankey,"Aw, gee, that's too bad.
"
1,9,Kyle,"Hey!  How about you come to school with me tomorrow, so I can at least prove I'm not crazy to my friends.
"
1,9,Mr. Hankey,"Say, that sounds like a swell idea.  We can show everyone the true spirit of Christmas.
"
1,9,Kyle,"Yeah!  We'll show them! 
"
1,9,The Mayor,"Okay, people, we've got to turn this place around!  Take down anything that is offensive to any specific group! 
"
1,9,Uncle Jimbo,"Is mistletoe offensive?
"
1,9,The Mayor,"Is anyone offended by mistletoe?  Lose the mistletoe! 
"
1,9,Stan,"You guys!  I'm getting that John Elway football helmet for Christmas!
"
1,9,Cartman,"How do you know?
"
1,9,Stan,"'Cause I looked in my parents' closet last night.
"
1,9,Cartman,"Yeah?  Well I sneaked around my mom's closet too, and saw what I'm getting.  The Ultravibe Pleasure 2000.
"
1,9,Stan,"What's that?
"
1,9,Cartman,"I don't know, but it sounds pretty sweet.
"
1,9,Kyle,"Hello, everybodyyy.
"
1,9,Stan,"What's in the box, dude?
"
1,9,Kyle,"It's a surprise.
"
1,9,Cartman,"Let me see! 
"
1,9,Kyle,"O-Okay.  But don't scare him...
"
1,9,Stan,"Dude, sick!!! 
"
1,9,Cartman,"Is this some kind of Jewish tradition?
"
1,9,Kenny,"(That is the sickest thing I have ever fucking seen!)
"
1,9,Kyle,"Wait! You guys!  He's alive!  
"
1,9,Stan,"Kyle, I think you'd better get home and get some sleep.
"
1,9,Kyle,"Come on, dance!  Daaance!  Dance, damn you!!
"
1,9,Researcher,"Now this is very simple.  I'm going to say words and the computer will measure how offended you are by them.  In this way we can find out which words are least offensive for use in the holiday season.  Are we ready?  Here we go: Christ  Hm. Okay. Cherub.  Hm... Camel  Hm. Sad.  Stupid Wop Dago.  Bench...
"
1,9,Mr. Garrison,"Aw, do you have to take away the Christmas tree, too?
"
1,9,Janitor 2,"Mayor's orders.
"
1,9,Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, I'm really having a hard time with our Christmas play.  The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with Jesus or Santa Claus.
"
1,9,Cartman,"Thanks to Kyle's mother.
"
1,9,Kyle,"Shut up, Cartman!
"
1,9,Mr. Garrison,"So does anybody know  any non-Santa or non-Jesus Christmas songs.  Yes, Eric?
"
1,9,Cartman,"How about we sing ""Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch"", in D minor.
"
1,9,Kyle,"I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
"
1,9,Cartman,"O-ho. Weeeeeeeeeellll
Kyle's mom is a bitch, 
she's a big fat bitch, 
she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
She a stupid bitch, 
if there ever was a bitch, 
she's a bitch to all the boys and girls.
"
1,9,Kyle,"Shut up, Cartman!
"
1,9,Mr. Hankey,"Howdy-ho!
"
1,9,Kyle,"Mr. Hankey.
"
1,9,Cartman,"Monday she's a bitch, 
on Tuesday she's a bitch, 
on Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitch
Then on Sunday, just to be different, 
she's a super King Kamehameha bi-atch!
"
1,9,Mr. Hankey,"Golly, that isn't very nice.  I'd sure like to teach him a lesson.
"
1,9,Cartman,"Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom?  
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world.
She's a mean ole bitch 'cause she has stupid hair, 
she a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch 
she's a stupid bitch!
Kyle's mom's a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch!
KYLE'S MOOOM IS A - BI-I-I-ITCH - aahh.
"
1,9,Kyle,"Mr. Hankey, no!
"
1,9,Mr. Hankey,"Mmmrrr-aaarrrggghhh!!! 
"
1,9,Mr. Garrison,"What the... 
"
1,9,Cartman,"Gross, Kyle!
"
1,9,Mr. Garrison,"Oh my lord, Kyle, did you just throw doodoo at Eric?
"
1,9,Kyle,"Uuuuuuhh...
"
1,9,Cartman,"YOU SICK BASTARD! 
"
1,9,Mr. Mackey,"Now, uh, Kyle, as your school counselor, uh I want to try and help you confront your problems, 'kay?
"
1,9,Kyle,"I don't have a problem.
"
1,9,Mr. Mackey,"Well it-it's my understanding that you umhm, yu-you have an acute case of fecophilia.
"
1,9,Kyle,"What's that?
"
1,9,Mr. Mackey,"Well-uh, a fecophiliac is somebody who's obsessed with mookie-stinks, Kyle.
"
1,9,Kyle,"Mookie-stinks?
"
1,9,Mr. Mackey,"Now I also understand that you're Jewish. Is that right, Kyle?
"
1,9,Kyle,"Wull, not on purpose.
"
1,9,Mr. Mackey,"So this must be a pretty hard time of year for you, being Christmas and all.  Do the other kids make fun of ya?
"
1,9,Kyle,"Well, sometimes...
"
1,9,Mr. Mackey,"And that must make you mad.
"
1,9,Kyle,"Well sure.
"
1,9,Mr. Mackey,"Mad enough to kill, Kyle??? 
"
1,9,Kyle,"No, dude!
"
1,9,Mr. Mackey,"Oh that's good.  You see, Kyle, sometimes we feel like an outsider, we-we create friends, Okay-in our minds, Okay?
"
1,9,Kyle,"But Mr. Hankey seemed so real...
"
1,9,Mr. Mackey,"Well of course he does; in your screwed-up little head he's the only friend you have. 
"
1,9,Mr. Hankey,"Kyle!  Howdy-ho. 
"
1,9,Mr. Mackey,"Right now you're nuttier than Chinese chicken salad, mkay-I mean, you're one screwed-up little kid do you understand?
"
1,9,Mr. Hankey,"Santa's loaded up his sleigh
flying around his merry way...
"
1,9,Mr. Mackey,"To try and stay positive stay away from drug and alcohol, and in the meantime I'm gonna put you on a heavy regimen of Prozac  Uuuuuuugghh-oh my God, you sick little monkey! 
"
1,9,Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, we've just received word from the mayor that the Christmas play can't include any Christmas lights, since they offend people with epilepsy...
"
1,9,Students,"Hhmm
"
1,9,Mr. Garrison,"...so Kenny, would you please go over and pull the lights cords out of the wall?  Careful now, Kenny, those are very, very dangerous.  Okay.  Now let's practice our... 
"
1,9,Mr. Mackey,"No!  Get away from me!
"
1,9,Kyle,"Here.  Just look more closely at it.
"
1,9,Mr. Mackey,"No!  Go away!  Stan, you need to do something about your friend, mkay.  Get him out of here before he hurts anybody!  Mkay?
"
1,9,Stan,"Hullo, we need to commit our friend, Kyle please.
"
1,9,Nurse,"Reason?
"
1,9,Kyle,"I'm a clinically depressed fecophiliac on Prozac.
"
1,9,Nurse,"Any allergies?
"
1,9,Kyle,"No.
"
1,9,Nurse,"Jacket! 
"
1,9,Cartman,"Bye, Kyle!  Happy Channukah!
"
1,9,Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, does eveyone have their leotards on? 
"
1,9,Artsy Man,"Good, it looks like they have taken the Christmas trees down.
"
1,9,His Date,"Yes, and there's nothing Christian, either.  This should be great!
"
1,9,Sheila,"Oh, this could be such a wonderful Christmas play - I wish our little Kyle was here to see it 
"
1,9,Kyle,"Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I will play
Second verse, same as the first
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidelll-I ma...
"
1,9,MC,"Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday...
"
1,9,Man 1,"Wait, wait, there's a star above the stage.  That's very offensive to non-Christians.
"
1,9,Uncle Jimbo,"Oh, come on!
"
1,9,Man 1,"Hey!  Don't put your beliefs on me, buddy!
"
1,9,Randy Marsh,"I agree.
"
1,9,Mr. Garrison,"Oh brother.  Kenny, would you please climb that ladder and take down the star above the stage?  And be careful not to fall in that little pool below you, Kenny, the shark for the third act is in there.
"
1,9,Kenny,"(Hunh?) 
"
1,9,MC,"Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday Experience.  Before we bring out the kiddies for the play, here's a non-offensive, non-denominational holiday song by the school chef.
"
1,9,Chef,"I'm gonna lay you down by the Yule log
I'm gonna love you right
Baby, I'm gonna deck your halls
And silence your nights
You'll hear the herald angels sing
When I'm sliding off your bra
I just can't wait to jingle your bells
and falala your love...
"
1,9,Stan,"I wish Kyle was here.  It just doesn't seem right without him.
"
1,9,Cartman,"Well.  Ol' Kyle's gonna be locked up for a while, so get used to it.
"
1,9,Mr. Garrison,"Okay, kids, get ready to take your places.
"
1,9,MC,"Thank you, Chef!
"
1,9,Kenny,"(Phew!)
"
1,9,MC,"And now, South Park Elementary presents the happy, non-offensive, non-denominational Christmas Play, with music and lyrics by New York minimalist composer, Philip Glass!
"
1,9,Voice-over,"As I turn and look into the sun, the rays burn my eyes  How like a turtle the sun looks.
"
1,9,Sheila,"What the hell is this???  This is horrible!!!
"
1,9,Priest,"This is the most God-awful piece of crap I've ever seen!!
"
1,9,Mr. Garrison,"You're the ones who made it this way!
"
1,9,Priest,"Yeah, it's because the Jews said it couldn't be Christian. 
"
1,9,Gerald,"It wasn't our idea to take out Santa Claus! 
"
1,9,Elderly Tree Hugger,"All you bastards ruined Christmas!
"
1,9,Gerald,"Get him in the ribs! 
"
1,9,Priest,"Oof.
"
1,9,Man in audience,"Damn tree hugger! 
"
1,9,Stan,"This sucks, dude.  This is like the worst Christmas I have ever seen.
"
1,9,Wendy,"Yeah.
"
1,9,Chef,"Say, where's Kyle?
"
1,9,Stan,"We committed him.
"
1,9,Chef,"What? Why?
"
1,9,Cartman,"'Cause.  He kept seeing this little brown piece of Christmas poo everywhere that he went.
"
1,9,Chef,"Chirstmas poo?  You yuh-you mean Mr. Hankey.
"
1,9,Stan,"Huh?!  O-oh.
"
1,9,Stan,"This is horrible!  Everybody's fighting and my best friend is in an institution, all because we didn't believe in Mr. Hankey!
"
1,9,Chef,"Well!  You can believe in him now. 
"
1,9,Woman,"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH
"
1,9,Stan,"I believe. 
"
1,9,Wendy,"I believe in Mr. Hankey.
"
1,9,Mr. Hankey,"Hoooowwwwwdy-ho!!!  Howdy, folks.  Gosh you sure do smell all nice and flowery.
"
1,9,"Cartman, Stan","Whoa!!
"
1,9,Mr. Hankey,"Howdy-ho, Chef!
"
1,9,Chef,"Howdy-ho, Mr. Hankey!
"
1,9,Cartman,"Okay, that does it!  Screw this, I'm goin home!  Talking poo is where I draw the line!
"
1,9,Mr. Hankey,"What's all the ruckus?
"
1,9,Chef,"I'm glad you're here, Mr. Hankey.  The whole town is about to kill each other.
"
1,9,Mr. Hankey,"I reckon this could be a job for Mr. Hankey!  STOP FIGHTING!!
"
1,9,The Mayor,"Oh my God, what the hell is that thing?
"
1,9,Mr. Hankey,"Come on, gang, don't fight.  You people focus so hard on the things wrong with Christmas that you've forgotten what's so right about it.  Don't you see?  This is the one time of year we're s'posed to forget all the bad stuff, to stop worrying and being sad about the state of the world, and for just one day say, ""Aw, the heck with it!  Let's sing and dance and bake cookies"" 
"
1,9,Stan,"Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
"
1,9,Kyle,"I'm a Jew
A lonely Jew...
"
1,9,Mr. Hankey,"Howdy-ho, Kyle!!!
"
1,9,Kyle,"Oh no, I'm not sane yet!
"
1,9,Mr. Hankey,"I brought some friends with me.
"
1,9,Kyle,"Friends? 
"
1,9,Townsfolk,"Merry Christmas, Kyle Broflovski!!!
"
1,9,Kyle,"You mean you can see him?  Ah-I'm not crazy? 
"
1,9,Townsfolk,"Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
he loves me and I love you
Therefore, vicariously he loves you
Even if you're a Jew
"
1,9,Mr. Pirrip,"Sometimes he's nutty, sometimes he's corny, 
he can be brown or greenish-brown 
But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve, he might come to your town
"
1,9,Townsfolk,"Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
He loves me. I love you
Heeeeeeee Looooooves Yoooooouu!
"
1,9,Mr. Hankey,"Well, I've got a loong night ahead of me.  Bye-bye and Merry Christmas 
"
1,9,Cartman,"Good-bye Mr. Hankey!  Bring me lots of presents!  I always believed in you!
"
1,9,Santa,"Howdy-ho ho ho!
"
1,9,Stan,"You know, I learned something today.  I learned that Jewish people are okay.  And that...Channukah can be cool, too.
"
1,9,Kyle,"Yeah... You know, it seems like something's still not right. 
"
1,9,Cartman,"Yeah, something feels...unfinished 
"
1,9,Stan,"Wh-what could it be? 
"
1,9,Kenny,"(Yee he hee!) 
"
1,9,Jesus,"Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me...
"
1,10,Cartman,"Here you go, Kyle... And here's yours, Stan...
"
1,10,Kyle,"What is this, Cartman?
"
1,10,Cartman,"They're invitations to my birthday party this weekend.
"
1,10,Stan,"Oh, sweet! Your mom's giving you a big party again this year?
"
1,10,Cartman,"Thaat's right. 'Cause it's my birthday, my bu bubu birthday... 
"
1,10,Kyle,"Kick ass, dude! Cartman's mom throws the best birthday parties ever.
"
1,10,Cartman,"That's right.
"
1,10,Stan,"Yeah. If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom, I'd be a big fatass, too.
"
1,10,Cartman,"That's ri-aayy.
"
1,10,Pip,"Oh, Eric. I didn't get an invitation.
"
1,10,Cartman,"Oh, really? Gosh. Where could I have put Pip's invitation?? Let's see, Pip's invitation, Pip's invitation... Oh! I remember!  I shoved it up my ass!  Yeess, that's right. I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and then shoved it right up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party! Sorry, Pip ol' chap!  Here's yours, Wendy... and here's yours, Clyde...
"
1,10,Mr. Garrison,"Children, children! Today is a very special day.
"
1,10,Cartman,"No, my birthday isn't until Saturday.
"
1,10,Mr. Garrison,"I'm not talking about your birthday, Eric. We have a new student joining our class today.
"
1,10,Cartman,"Eeeeeeh!
"
1,10,Mr. Garrison,"Now, some of you know what it's like to be the new kid in town, so I want you all to take special care to make him feel welcome. I want you all to meet our new classmate...  uh-uh, what's your name again?
"
1,10,New kid,"Damien! 
"
1,10,Mr. Garrison,"Say 'hi' to Damien!  And where are you from, Damien?
"
1,10,Damien,"The seventh layer of hell!
"
1,10,Mr. Garrison,"Ooooh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama. 
"
1,10,Damien,"My arrival shall note the end of the Beginning, the beginning of the End, the new reign of my father! 
"
1,10,Mr. Garrison,"Your father?
"
1,10,Damien,"The Prince of Darkness!
"
1,10,Mr. Garrison,"Wow, we have royalty in our class. Why don't you take your seat, Damien? We're gonna finish our lesson on great singers of the Baroque era.  Now, children, Nancy Sinatra was quite a choice piece of ass...
"
1,10,Cartman,"Hey, new kid. Do you want an invitation to my birthday party?
"
1,10,Damien,"Here begins the rule of pain! The new domination of...
"
1,10,Cartman,"Psych! I wasn't gonna give you an invitation, hehehehehehe! Hey, who cut your hair? Stevie Wonder?  Byah. Oof! 
"
1,10,Stan,"Whoa, dude! 
"
1,10,Kyle,"Damn, what a freak!
"
1,10,Cartman,"Hey! I had a poofy pie in that desk! 
"
1,10,Damien,"Now feel the wrath - of the fallen angels! The plague of night is upon ye.
"
1,10,Mr. Garrison,"Damien, do you need to sit in time out for a few minutes? 
"
1,10,Cartman,"Eheh. You got in trouble, you got in trouble.
"
1,10,Stan,"Hey, Cartman? How come the birthday invitation you gave me says 'Green Mega Man'?
"
1,10,Kyle,"Yeah. Mine says 'Red Mega Man'.
"
1,10,Cartman,"Right. That's what your supposed to get for my birthday.
"
1,10,Stan,"Dude. You're not supposed to tell people what to get you for your birthday.
"
1,10,Kyle,"Yeah, that's weak!
"
1,10,Cartman,"Look, it's very simple guys. Green Mega Man goes with Red Mega Man and Yellow Mega Man to make the Ultra Mega Mega Man. You have to have all three or it doesn't work, see?
"
1,10,Stan,"Up yours. Cartman. I'll get you whatever the hell I want. 
"
1,10,Cartman,"Oooh. So maybe you don't want to have any of my mon's cake, pie, and ice cream, then.
"
1,10,Stan,"Oh great, Green Mega Man it is. 
"
1,10,Cartman,"Now. As you can see, Kenny, you are to get me Yellow Mega Man. That's because Yellow Mega Man is the cheapest one, and I know how poor your family is. 
"
1,10,Stan,"Heeyy, what do you think you're doing, new kid?
"
1,10,Cartman,"Yeah. You can't sit with us, weirdo!
"
1,10,Damien,"Infidels! I will turn you all into beasts of burden!
"
1,10,Kyle,"You can't sit with us, new kid. Go find another table! 
"
1,10,Cartman,"Yich. Anyway Kenny, Yellow Man is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments for a year or two.  Eeyy!
"
1,10,Pip,"Oh. Good day, Damien. My name is Philip, but everyone calls me Pip - because they hate me.
"
1,10,Damien,"Then I will call you Pip.
"
1,10,Pip,"Right-o.
"
1,10,Stan,"Hey new kid!  Kenny says he saw... your mother drop you off this morning, and she's a real dog.
"
1,10,Kenny,"(Yeah, I feel that she's a freakin' bitch!)
"
1,10,Damien,"That does it! Woo-paah 
"
1,10,Stan,"What the... ?
"
1,10,Kyle,"Dude! He turned Kenny into a duck-billed platypus.
"
1,10,Stan,"A what?
"
1,10,Kenny,"Quack-quack.
"
1,10,Cartman,"Eeyy! Uh-turn him back you butthole, he has to buy me the Yellow Mega Man!
"
1,10,Chef,"Hello there, children.
"
1,10,Stan,"Hey, Chef.
"
1,10,Chef,"How's it going?
"
1,10,Kyle,"Bad.
"
1,10,Chef,"Why bad?
"
1,10,Kyle,"Chef, there's a new kid in school, and he's a total weirdo freak.
"
1,10,Chef,"Oh children, children, you shouldn't not like somebody just because they're different. Here, let me sing you a little song:
We're all special in our own way
Everybody's different, but that's okay
'Cause even though we might-a have different-colored skin
Different points of view, be tall or thin
It doesn't mean I can't lay you down, woman, and touch your silky skin
With my love deep inside you, where no man has ever been
Rub you legs, caress your thighs and uh...
What were we talking about again?
"
1,10,Kyle,"The new kid.
"
1,10,Damien,"Death to the holy! The wrath of the fallen angels now heads for you all! 
"
1,10,Stan,"Whoa!
"
1,10,Chef,"Oh! That is one fudged-up little cracker! 
"
1,10,Kyle,"We told you, dude. 
"
1,10,Chef,"We've got to do something, children! 
"
1,10,Damien,"Bring me Jesus! My wrath shall continue until I speak to Jesus! 
"
1,10,"Stan, Kyle","Jesus?
"
1,10,Roland,"Two minutes to air, Jesus.
"
1,10,Jesus,"Thanks, Roland. Blessed art thou. 
"
1,10,Stan,"Jesus, Jesus!
"
1,10,Jesus,"Ah-hi kids, I only do autographs after the show.
"
1,10,Stan,"Nono. There's a big problem at school. Some new kid showed up, wearing all black, and and Chef thinks he's evil.
"
1,10,Kyle,"Yeah. Look what he did to our friend, Kenny.
"
1,10,Kenny,"Quack-quack.
"
1,10,Jesus,"Wow. That's pretty heavy.
"
1,10,Stan,"This new kid, he just keeps throwing things around and... saying stuff aboout his dark prince father coming. He says he wants to talk to you.
"
1,10,Jesus,"The Dark Prince?
"
1,10,Stan,"Yeah.
"
1,10,Kyle,"Yeah.
"
1,10,Jesus,"So it was written, and so the cycle of years brings the Son of the Evil One.
"
1,10,Stan,"Whoa. Huduh now he's talking like the new kid.
"
1,10,Jesus,"Thou must taketh me to this seedling of Satan, so mine eyes can confirm the wretched truth.
"
1,10,Kyle,"... K.
"
1,10,Groundskeeper,"Five minutes until recess is over, you little bastards!
"
1,10,Cartman,"Now, as you can see, the Red Mega Man uses thee... Mega Cycle, which is what Clyde will be getting me for my birthday. Wendy, you were supposed to get me the Mega Power Choopper, illustrated... here, but, I'm changing your present to the Yellow Mega Man, since Kenny has been turned into a... duck-billed platypus. That means that the Mega Man beach house, illustrated... heuh, will be a gift given by two people at once, 'cause it costs more money... 
"
1,10,Redhead,"Aaaaa Bebe!
"
1,10,Bebe,"Our slide!
"
1,10,Damien,"Feel my wrath! 
"
1,10,Pip,"Oho Damien, you shouldn't be so upset, you know. I know it's hard being the new kid, but the children may accept you someday.
"
1,10,Damien,"I don't need acceptance. I'm the Son of Satan! 
"
1,10,Pip,"Believe me! I know what it's like not to have friends. Perhaps you should speak to the school counselor. He helps me a lot when I'm feeling lonely. 
"
1,10,Jesus,"Damien!
"
1,10,Damien,"Aaah! Son of Stench! Cursed Ruler of the weak!
"
1,10,Jesus,"So it is thou, Son of Lucifer!
"
1,10,Damien,"Your time on this earth is short. Soon, my father comes.
"
1,10,Jesus,"Let him come then. I shall stop him!
"
1,10,Damien,"Behold! He is already upon us! 
"
1,10,Kyle,"Ohh, dude!
"
1,10,Satan,"Hic dominus ampullicus unum sum. Forante onlisam dum sameli etludemus. 
"
1,10,Jimbo,"What the hell's going on here? 
"
1,10,Priest,"Look! It's that guy from the public access show!
"
1,10,Blonde,"What's happening?
"
1,10,Chef,"Come over here if you're scared, women! I'll protect you!  Not you, dammit!
"
1,10,Satan,"Forante onlisam dum sameli etludemus.
"
1,10,Damien,"Jesus, my father says... he chooses you! He calls you out! Be here at this time tomorrow! Then the terms will be discussed!
"
1,10,Jesus,"Very well. Let the final battle between Good and Evil be fought - right here in South Park!
"
1,10,Jimbo,"Come on, Ned! We've got to get our asses to the bookie! 
"
1,10,Stan,"You're gonna fight Satan?
"
1,10,Jesus,"This fight has been ordained since the beginning! My children, this is the most crucial and serious time... of all history.
"
1,10,Jesus,"This fight has been ordained since the beginning! My children, this is the most crucial and serious time... of all history.
Commercial
Who will win our souls? . Our Savior and Lord?  Or the Prince of Darkness?  It's the final battle between Good and Evil  and it's only on Pay Per View! Jesus Versus Satan! Live, from the South Park Forum on Saturday. Call now to order, only $49.95
"
1,10,Cartman,"Hey, wait a minute. Saturday is my birthday party. They can't have the fight on Saturday!
"
1,10,Kenny,"Quack-quack.
"
1,10,Stan,"I don't know what to do, dude. Do we go to the fight, or Cartman's birthday?
"
1,10,Cartman,"Cartman's birthday!
"
1,10,Kyle,"We can't miss the final apocalyptic battle between Good and Evil!
"
1,10,Cartman,"You guys, my mom is getting a Ferris wheel.
"
1,10,Stan,"Well, come on. We we have to at least see the weigh-in.
"
1,10,Cartman,"Who the hell decided the fight had to be on Saturday, huh?! This whole thing is a plot against me, isn't it?!
"
1,10,Priest,"When is Satan gonna show up? 
"
1,10,Stan,"Did the Devil show up yet?
"
1,10,Jesus,"Not yet.
"
1,10,Kyle,"Hey, Jesus! Ih-if you win the fight, can you turn Kenny back to normal?
"
1,10,Jesus,"... What the hell do you mean if I win the fight?
"
1,10,Cartman,"Don't mind him, Jesus, he's Jewish.
"
1,10,Jesus,"Oh.
"
1,10,Jimbo,"We're all with you, Jesus! We put every dime we have on you beatin' that Dark Prince. 
"
1,10,Jesus,"Thank you for your faith but, I think perhaps you don't understand the severity of the situation.
"
1,10,Priest,"You're gonna kick his ass, Jesus. 
"
1,10,Jesus,"Behold. The Evil One approaches.
"
1,10,Satan,"Yeah. 
"
1,10,Mr. Garrison,"Holy poop on a stick!
"
1,10,Satan,"Puny Son of Jehovah! Prepare to enter thy House of Pain!
"
1,10,Stan,"Holy crap, dude. Satan is huge.
"
1,10,Jimbo,"Now that is a man who has eaten a lot of beef!
"
1,10,Satan,"Son of God, I will smash thy face into small little bits!
"
1,10,Jesus,"Oh - oh yeah??
"
1,10,Man in crowd,"Damn.
"
1,10,Satan,"I have such delightful horrors to unleash upon thee.
"
1,10,Jesus,"Oh yeah?? 
"
1,10,Announcer,"Satan weighs in at - 320 lbs, 4 oz.  Jesus Christ weighs in at - 135 lbs., 1 oz. 
"
1,10,Chef,"Ooh crap.
"
1,10,Jesus,"Aw, come on! I weigh more than that.
"
1,10,Satan,"Let the new prince be decided on Saturday. First South Park, then the world. 
"
1,10,Jimbo,"Well-uh... I think I'll-uh uuduh-I think I left the oven on.
"
1,10,Mr. Garrison,"Yeah, I think I left your oven on, too.
"
1,10,Priest,"Uh-ssee ya - Saturday - Jesus. Good luck. 
"
1,10,Man 1,"Change my bet!
"
1,10,Man 2,"I'm betting on the Devil!
"
1,10,Jimbo,"I wanna change my bet to Satan.
"
1,10,Ned,"Me, too.
"
1,10,Mr. Garrison,"Wai-wa I was here first.
"
1,10,Mr. Mackey,"Now, uh, as your counselor, I want you to feel like you can tell me anything. mkay? Uh, being the new kid can be tough, but I'm your friend, mkay?
"
1,10,Damien,"Everybody hates me!
"
1,10,Mr. Mackey,"Well-uh. Why do you suppose that is?
"
1,10,Damien,"Because I'm the son of the Devil?
"
1,10,Mr. Mackey,"Uhuh. That's a good start, why else?
"
1,10,Damien,"Because I... burn them and kill them?
"
1,10,Mr. Mackey,"Well yeah, maybe that's it. Wha... wha what you need to do, uh Damien, is - is to be overly nice. Nde no no matter how mean the other kids are to you, just don't retaliate. Yeeu be passive, mkay? That's what I taught the little British boy, Pip, and, and just look at how much the other children like him now.
"
1,10,Clyde,"I bet I can spit the most on him. 
"
1,10,Bebe,"Oh yeah? I bet I can spit in his hair. 
"
1,10,Pip,"Eho. Nice try. A little higher and you've got it.
"
1,10,Stan,"Damn, recess sucks without any slides or nothin'
"
1,10,Cartman,"Oh, here comes the unholy butthole now. Ey! Thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch!
"
1,10,Damien,"I a - pologize for ruining your playground. And turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus. I was doing my father's bidding. I didn't have a choice. 
"
1,10,Cartman,"Oh, excuse me new kid. I didn't mean to fart on you, I didn't have a choice! 
"
1,10,Stan,"Phew! You stink, new kid. You smell like a fart.
"
1,10,Kyle,"Yeah. We're gonna call you Fartboy from now on.
"
1,10,Stan,"Bubye, Fartboy.
"
1,10,Kyle,"See ya.
"
1,10,Pip,"Good day, Damien. How are you?
"
1,10,Damien,"Those guys farted on me, and then called me-
"
1,10,Pip,"Fartboy? Oho good. Perhaps they won't call me that anymore.
"
1,10,Jesus,"Ahm-hm-hm! Excuse me, I just talked to the bookie at the sports betting bar-
"
1,10,Chef,"Oh ooh. 
"
1,10,Jesus,"I have been forsaken! It seems that several bets were changed to Satan this morning.  In fact, it seems that only one person in this entire town is still betting on me!
"
1,10,Priest,"You should all be ashamed of yourselves, betting against your Lord and Savior! I am disgusted!
"
1,10,Jesus,"Your bet was changed as well. You forsaked me too!
"
1,10,Priest,"Oho... Right, well... He does have a couple of hundred pounds on you, Jesus.
"
1,10,Jesus,"I implore you all: don't bet on the Dark One. It is a bet that you will never win.
"
1,10,Priest,"Jesus, I am sorry I have sinned against you. I'm gonna march right over to that bookie and change my bet right now!
"
1,10,Mr. Garrison,"Oh, ye- yeah, yeah, me too, me too.
"
1,10,Jimbo,"Yeah.
"
1,10,Priest,"Praise the Lo-hohohord! Thank you sweet Jesus for showing us the light! See ya later.  What the hell, does he think we're all crazy?
"
1,10,Mr. Garrison,"Yeah, crazy. 
"
1,10,Man 3,"He's so gay.
"
1,10,Man 4,"Yeah. 
"
1,10,Jesus,"You're all a bunch of Judases!
"
1,10,Stan,"Hey, Jesus.
"
1,10,Jesus,"What are you doing out so late, kids?
"
1,10,Kyle,"We have to find Red and Green Mega Man for Cartman's birthday party.
"
1,10,Jesus,"Oh. Kids, yeyou believe I can beat Satan, right?
"
1,10,Stan,"Sh-sure, dude, you're the Son of God.
"
1,10,Kyle,"Yeah. You aren't having any doubts, are you?
"
1,10,Jesus,"No, uh-no, no. But could ya help me train a little?
"
1,10,Reporter 1,"Satan, what do expect the outcome of the fight to be?
"
1,10,Satan,"I will crush him like a little bug!
"
1,10,Reporter 2,"Satan, what about the rumors of your involvement in the Gulf War? 
"
1,10,Don King,"Let's focus on the fight, can we please? I'm so sick of people talkin' smack about my fighters, all this 'He's mean. He's a dirty fighter. He's the cause for all the violence and death in the world.' It's just getting old. Let's just let everything be decided in the ring.
"
1,10,Cartman,"You guys, shouldn't you be out shopping for my birthday presents?
"
1,10,Stan,"Here Jesus, drink these raw eggs.
"
1,10,Jesus,"No way, dude!
"
1,10,Chef,"Ah-ah-ah I can't. I can't hit Jesus Christ. My mother would never speak to me again.
"
1,10,Stan,"But you're his sparring partner, Chef.
"
1,10,Kyle,"Yeah, you have to hit him.
"
1,10,Jesus,"Satan must be defeated, Chef! Please help me to train.
"
1,10,Chef,"Okay. But I'm just gonna tap you. Alright?
"
1,10,Jesus,"Give it your best sho-  Oh! 
"
1,10,Chef,"Oh! God in Heaven! What have I done?!
"
1,10,Jesus,"Anybody get the number of that truck? 
"
1,10,Liane,"Come on, kiddies. Eat more.
"
1,10,Cartman,"Welcome, Clyde. Please put your present on the table to your left. Welcome, Bebe, presents go to your left. Welcome, Chef.
"
1,10,Chef,"Yup! Here's your present, children.  Well, uhnice party. Uh, see ya later.
"
1,10,Kyle,"Hey, you just got here, Chef!
"
1,10,Chef,"I know, but the fight is starting.
"
1,10,Stan,"Dude, check it out. Cartman's mom made chili.
"
1,10,Mrs Cartman,"Mmmmm.
"
1,10,Chef,"Mmmmm. That's my favorite kind of chili.
"
1,10,Damien,"I guess all the kids are at that fat boy's party.
"
1,10,Pip,"Yes. It's always such a huge event. Sometimes, I like to sneak up to the fence and close my eyes, and pretend I'm there.
"
1,10,Damien,"The other kids have always hated you?
"
1,10,Pip,"Oh yes. Actually I think they make fun of the fat boy a lot too,... but now I think they like him because he picks on me. 
"
1,10,Michael Buffer,"In the blue corner, wearing white trunks, weighing in at a mere 140 lbs., Jesus, El Saviooor-rrrrrrrrrr, Christ!  And in the very very blllack corner, wearing very very blllack trunks, the king of all that is evilll, Beeeeeelzebub!  Ladies and gentlemen, Lllllet's get ready to rumbllllle!!
"
1,10,Referee,"Okay, I want a good clean fight guys. No punches below the belt, holding, or miracles. 
"
1,10,Cartman,"Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing here?
"
1,10,Stan,"Yeah, you weren't invited, new kid.
"
1,10,Kyle,"And neither were you, Pip!
"
1,10,Pip,"Yes. I tried to tell Damien that we weren't invited, but-
"
1,10,Damien,"Wait a minute! Give me a chance. I want to do something special for your party. 
"
1,10,Pip,"Aaaa!  Aye Aye Aye Ayeeeeeeeeeeeee! 
"
1,10,Kyle,"Wow!
"
1,10,Stan,"Whoa, that was cool! 
"
1,10,Kyle,"Hey, you're not such a bad guy after all, Damien.
"
1,10,Cartman,"Yeah. Come on in and join the party. 
"
1,10,Satan,"Come on, you little wuss, fight! Throw a punch!
"
1,10,Cartman,"Oooh I wonder what Stan got me for my birthday present? Oh look, a Blue Mega Maaan. Thank you, Stan, you may now eat pie and cake and ice cream now.  And what did Wendy get me? Oooh it's the Yellow Mega Maaan. Help yourself to pie and cake and ice cream, Wendy. Oh, look what Kyle got me? It's the Red Mega-... Ants In The Pants? Ants In The Pan- ANTS IN THE PANTS? 
"
1,10,Kyle,"It's a game, dude. It's really fun.
"
1,10,Cartman,"YOU SON OF A BITCH! 
"
1,10,Kyle,"Aaaaa!
"
1,10,Cartman,"YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GET ME THE RED MEGA MAN, EH! NOW I CAN'T MAKE THE ULTRA MEGA MEGA MAN, YOU DIRTY CHEAP-ASS PIECE OF CRAP! 
"
1,10,Kyle,"They were all out of 'em dude!
"
1,10,Cartman,"I HATE YOU! I WANT YOU TO DIE! DIE!!
"
1,10,Kyle,"Aaaaaaaa!
"
1,10,Cartman,"That's it! Party is over!  Everybody go home!  GET THE HELL OUT, I SAID! THE PARTY'S OVER! GET OUT, GODDAMMIT! 
"
1,10,Stan,"Whoa, dude, you need to mellow out!
"
1,10,Cartman,"Take your stupid Ants In The Pants with you! 
"
1,10,Damien,"Wow. That kid has some emotional problems.
"
1,10,Stan,"Aaanh, he does this all the time.
"
1,10,Chef,"Come on, children! We can still catch the end of the fight!
"
1,10,Pip,"Ooooooooooooooooooooooo uf! Ohoho, what a splendid par-ty.
"
1,10,Jesus,"Oh! 
"
1,10,Satan,"Fight, dammit! 
"
1,10,Jesus,"Oow!  Ooooooh! 
"
1,10,Stan,"Dude, Jesus is getting his butt kicked!  You've got to fight, Jesus.
"
1,10,Jesus,"Why? What's the point? Nobody believes in me. Everyone put their money on Satan. My Father forsaked me, the town forsaked me... I'm completely forsook.
"
1,10,Kyle,"Somebody bet on you, Jesus. You said yourself that one person still had money on you.
"
1,10,Jesus,"It doesn't matter. He's way too strong for me anyway-I give up.
"
1,10,Stan,"Goddammit Jesus, snap out of it! What would Nancy Kerrigan do, huh? Mancy Kerrigan wouldn't give up. When things were looking their darkest, Nancy Kerrigan fought to be the best.  She wouldn't stop until she was Number One!
"
1,10,Kyle,"Uuuuh. Stan?
"
1,10,Stan,"Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't settle for second-best!
"
1,10,Kyle,"Stan.
"
1,10,Stan,"She wouldn't quit until she brought home the gold!
"
1,10,Kyle,"Stan!
"
1,10,Stan,"What?
"
1,10,Kyle,"Nancy Kerrigan got the silver, dude. She came in second.
"
1,10,Stan,"... Really?
"
1,10,Kyle,"Yeah, dude!
"
1,10,Stan,"Hoh, never mind, Jesus. Nancy Kerrigan sucks.  You know, somebody once said. 'Don't try to be a great man, just be a man'
"
1,10,Jesus,"... Who said that?
"
1,10,Stan,"You did, Jesus. 
"
1,10,Jesus,"You're right, Stan. Thank you, boys! 
"
1,10,Kyle,"Wow. Did he say that in the Bible?
"
1,10,Stan,"Nah, I saw it on Star Trek.
"
1,10,Kyle,"Hmmm.
"
1,10,Satan,"Come on, sissy. Hit me! Hit me!
"
1,10,Jesus,"Okay, pal. You asked for it! 
"
1,10,Satan,"Ooooooh, you got me. 
"
1,10,Referee,"One... Two... Three...
"
1,10,Jimbo,"No way! He barely touched him!
"
1,10,Referee,"... Seven... Eight ... Nine... Ten. You're out! 
"
1,10,"Stan, Kyle","Our Savior!
"
1,10,Michael Buffer,"The winner by knockout and still undisputed ruler of your spiritual kingdommmm, Jesus, El Saviooor-rrrrrrrrrr, Christ! 
"
1,10,Mr. Garrison,"Hey, he isn't hurt. He took a dive, he threw the fight!
"
1,10,Jimbo,"Yeah!
"
1,10,Satan,"Fools! You are all fools! Of course I took a dive. Don't you see? Who do you think was the one person that bet on Jesus to win?  Me, you idiots! And now I will take all your hard-earned money, and return to Hell a much richer Prince of Darkness, and buy some realty. HA HA HA HA HAA! 
"
1,10,Priest,"I don't believe this!
"
1,10,Mr. Garrison,"Yeah, what a mean thing to do!
"
1,10,Satan,"Farewell, fools!
"
1,10,Jimbo,"Man, that guy is a jerk. 
"
1,10,Stan,"Jesus told you guys not to bet on Satan.
"
1,10,Mr. Garrison,"Boy, did we get screwed.
"
1,10,Chef,"Jesus, we're sorry. Can you ever forgive us?
"
1,10,Jesus,"Aw heck.  Do I have a choice? 
"
1,10,Jimbo,"Well, Jesus, I definitely learned my lesson. Neeever bet on evil, 'cause when you d- Ned! Look, there's a rare duck-billed platypus!  Ih-it's comin' right for us! 
"
1,10,Stan,"Oh my God, they killed Kenny.
"
1,10,Kyle,"You bastard!
"
1,10,Damien,"Well, goodbye, guys. It was nice getting to know you. 
"
1,10,Stan,"You're leaving already?
"
1,10,Damien,"I have to. My dad's always on the move. 
"
1,10,Stan,"Wow. I feel kinda bad for that kid.
"
1,10,Kyle,"Yeah. Just when he was being accepted he has to leave and start over.
"
1,10,Stan,"Parents can be so cruel. Don't they realize that what a child needs more than anything is security?
"
1,10,Liane,"More pie, hon?
"
1,10,Cartman,"Eh... n-yeh. No... more... pie... eheh... seriously.
"
1,11,Wendy,"Stan, you know it's almost Valentine's Day.
"
1,11,Stan,"I know.
"
1,11,Wendy,"Maybe we should go on a cruise or something. 
"
1,11,Stan,"I can't afford a cruise, dude.
"
1,11,Wendy,"I know, but...we can make a little boat out of cardboard and pretend it's a cruise. 
"
1,11,Stan,"Shut up, Cartman!
"
1,11,Cartman,"That is so-ho lame!  Oh man, I...
"
1,11,Wendy,"-and then we can dress up in little costumes and pretend we're getting married.
"
1,11,Cartman,"Stop, seriously; you're killing me all the time.
"
1,11,Principal Victoria,"Children, I have some difficult news for you. Mr. Garrison won't be teaching for a while. He has to have surgery.  So you're going to have a substitute teacher.  And I want you to show the substitute the same respect you show for Mr. Garrison.  Yes, little boy?
"
1,11,Kyle,"We don't have respect for Mr. Garrison.
"
1,11,Principal Victoria,"...Oh. Anywho, I want you all to meet your new substitute, Ms. Ellen. 
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Hello, children. 
"
1,11,"Stan, Kyle","Whoa!
"
1,11,Cartman,"Wow, she's pretty.
"
1,11,Kenny,"(Damn, I'd like to get a taste of her!)
"
1,11,Stan,"You can say that again.
"
1,11,Kenny,"(Damn, I'd like to get a taste of her!)
"
1,11,Principal Victoria,"Good luck, Ms. Ellen. If they get out of control, just use this tear gas, okay. 
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Thank you! I'm sure I'll be fine.  Now, children, I know that you must be very upset about your teacher having surgery,  but I promise I'll try to make things as easy as possible for all of us. 
"
1,11,Wendy,"Stan? Stan?!
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Now, let me try and learn your names by your seating assignments. You arrre Eric...Cartman?
"
1,11,Cartman,"Yes, ma'am.
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Okay aaand you must be Stan Marsh.
"
1,11,Stan,"Yeu-bluuuch. 
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Do you need to go to the nurse's office, Stanley?
"
1,11,Cartman,"Noh, he always pukes when he's in love.
"
1,11,Stan,"I'll kick your ass, Cartman! 
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"So you're alright?
"
1,11,Stan,"Bluuuch 
"
1,11,Kyle,"Dude, you had waffles for breakfast, huh?!
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"Oh, I have to admit I'm still embarrassed about getting a nose job, Tom. I didn't want people at school to know, so I told them I had herpes.
"
1,11,Tom,"You shouldn't be embarrassed, Mr. Garrison. People have cosmetic surgery all the time. Before we start, this computer can help you pick what kind of nose you want. 
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"Wow! Isn't that amazing Mr. Hat?
"
1,11,Mr. Hat,"It sure is, Mr. Garrison!
"
1,11,Tom,"Now, we could go with something a little smaller, which would make you look like this 
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"Hmmm.
"
1,11,Tom,"Or we could straighten out the bridge, which would make you look like this .
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"Oh, that's not bad.
"
1,11,Tom,"Of course, we could narrow the bridge, which would make you look more like this .
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"WOW! That's it! That's the nose I want!
"
1,11,Tom,"Alright-y then.  Now I must warn you, Mr. Garrison, that there are risks. You could wind up a hideous, foul shadow of a creature, so terrifyingly ugly that you're forced to live in the sewers, only emerging at nighttime for scraps of food.
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"I can live with that.
"
1,11,Tom,"Alrighty then, let's get started! 
"
1,11,Cartman,"She wasn't looking at you, buttlord, she was looking at me!
"
1,11,Kyle,"Well that goes without saying, fatass, how could she help but look at you!
"
1,11,Stan,"You guy can stop fighting. It was me she was checking out!
"
1,11,Cartman,"Until you puked on her.
"
1,11,Chef,"Hello there, children! What's all this I'm hearing about a new teacher?
"
1,11,Kyle,"Ms. Ellen, dude! She's beautiful! 
"
1,11,Chef,"Is she like uh - Vanessa Williams beautiful or-uh Toni Braxton beautiful? Or Pamela Anderson beautiful? ...Or - is she Erin Grey in the second season of Buck Rogers beautiful?
"
1,11,Stan,"Yeah, that one!
"
1,11,Chef,"Wooof! I've got to meet this woman.
"
1,11,Wendy,"Stan, didn't you notice how her left arm is longer than the right one?
"
1,11,Stan,"No.
"
1,11,Wendy,"Well it is!
"
1,11,Chef,"That's okay. You know what they say about women with one arm longer than the other...
"
1,11,Kenny,"(Yeah, they totally kick ass at spanking!)
"
1,11,Chef,"Thaat's right!
"
1,11,Wendy,"Well, did you notice that mole on the back of her neck with the hair growing out of it?
"
1,11,Chef,"That's okay. you know what they say about women with the mole on the back of their necks with hair growing out of it... 
"
1,11,Wendy,"Stan? We're still Valentines, right?
"
1,11,Stan,"Sure, Wendy, whatever.
"
1,11,Kyle,"Hey! We should buy Ms. Ellen Valentine's Day presents. 
"
1,11,Stan,"Yeah! We'll go to the mall tonight! 
"
1,11,Cartman,"I'm gonna buy a vacuum cleaner-chicks like vacuum cleaners 
"
1,11,Female singer,"I remember when we were still in love
The moments that we shared were timeless.
Saw it in the wind, knew it in a glance,
the songs we sang were simple reminders.
"
1,11,Female singer,"I can't stop now
My heart's awake
I feel your arms
My arms to take
I must have changed...
"
1,11,Female singer,"...Even when love is the same. 
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Oohhh, goodness. Would anybody mind cleaning my erasers after class?
"
1,11,Cartman,"Memememememe, me!
"
1,11,Bebe,"You guys are so immature! Act like eight-year olds!
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Stan, how about you?
"
1,11,Stan,"Bluuch! I'd love to. 
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Now, children, let's review our multiplication tables.  Cartman?
"
1,11,Cartman,"What's a multiplication table?
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Didn't Mr. Garrison teach multiplication?  Well, where did he leave off?
"
1,11,Cartman,"We were learning about how Yasmine Bleeth is going out with that...Richard Greco guy that used to be on 21 Jump Street but then he got his own show for just a little while- 
"
1,11,Chef,"Oh, hello.
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Can I help you?
"
1,11,Chef,"I'm Chef.
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Aand?
"
1,11,Chef,"I just uuuh - I stopped by 'cause little Kyle forgot his laundry detergent on the playground.
"
1,11,Kyle,"My laundry detergent?
"
1,11,Stan,"That's not Kyle's...
"
1,11,Chef,"Sshh. Crazy cracker's always leavin' that detergent all over the place.  What was your name again?
"
1,11,Cartman,"Uh-oh. Chef's moving in on Ms. Ellen.
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"I'mm the substitute.
"
1,11,Chef,"Well, I'm sure there's no substitute for you.
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"That's very nice, Mr. Chef, now, if you're...finished-
"
1,11,Chef (falsetto),"Nobody could take your place
No way they could match your face, no
You've got it going on in a way so clear,
I just want to buy you a beer...
Uh maybe tonight, at 7:30 or something I could uh - come by and uh -
Pick you up in my caa-a-aaaa-aa-aa-aa-aaar (No substitute)
No substitute for you (No substitute)
No, baby, there's (No substitute)
For you girl (No substitute) for you now
You know that it's true (No substitute)
There's just, no substitute for
You!
"
1,11,Stan,"We've got to learn how to do that, dude!
"
1,11,Kyle,"Yup!
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"That was enthralling, Mr. Chef, but...could I get back to teaching now?
"
1,11,Chef,"If we can have dinner tonight.
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Fine, Chef.  Just let me do my job before I get fired.
"
1,11,Cartman,"Oh, weak! Chef's gonna make sweet love to Ms. Ellen!
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Wwhat?!
"
1,11,Tom,"Mr. Garrison. Mr. Garrison.
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"Where-eh, where am I?
"
1,11,Tom,"The operation is over, Mr. Garrison.
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"Uuf, I feel weak. How do I look?
"
1,11,Tom,"You look great!
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"Ah-I feel kinda nauseous.
"
1,11,Tom,"Yes? Well, that's to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, ssnapped some cartilage...
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"Aauugh-huh.
"
1,11,Tom,"...all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart. 
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"UUUUUuuuuuugh
"
1,11,Tom,"By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact? 
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"Bluuuch...Bluuuch...Bluuuch...Oh, stop, that movie was terrible!
"
1,11,Tom,"I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you get some rest ; I'll check on you a little later. 
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"Wuch, uch. Boy I had to see the entire movie to see the alien and it was her goddamned father!
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Okay, kids, remember your homework. We have a lot of catching-up to do.
"
1,11,Cartman,"Good-bye, Ms. Ellen.
"
1,11,Kyle,"Stop kissing ass, Cartman!
"
1,11,Cartman,"I'm not kissing ass, you stupid slut! 
"
1,11,Wendy,"Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Of course, Wendy.
"
1,11,Wendy,"I couldn't help but notice you taking a liking to my boyfriend, Stan.
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Ohhh. Well, I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young and cute and full of life...
"
1,11,Wendy,"Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen?
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Of course, Wendy. 
"
1,11,Wendy,"Don't fuck with me!
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Wha?
"
1,11,Wendy,"You heard me! Stay away from my man, bitch, or I'll whup your sorry little ass back to last year!  Bye, Ms. Ellen.
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Well, I certainly want to thank all you lovely children for the presents you got me  Ohhh. What a delightful scarf. Thank you, Kyle. 
"
1,11,Stan,"Ploozer gift, ploozer gift.
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"And here's one from Kenny.  Oh, thank you very much, Kenny, this is a very scrumptious-looking sausage.  Oh, and what a nice alarm clock. Thank you, Stan.
"
1,11,Stan,"Bluuch. 
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"And here's another present...from Wendy.  Oh. Why, it's a dead animal.  Thank you, Wendy .
"
1,11,Stan,"See? She liked my present the best!
"
1,11,Kyle,"Where's your present, Cartman?
"
1,11,Cartman,"Oh, well, I got Ms. Ellen a chocolate pie, but uuuuh-I left it at home 
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Okay, kids. We're gonna take a spelling test now.  But as an extra incentive I'm gonna take whoever gets the highest score on the quiz out to dinner. 
"
1,11,Cartman,"Oh, man, I wish I knew how to spell.
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Are there any questions before we begin?  Yes, Wendy?
"
1,11,Wendy,"When someone gets as old as you,  do they have to wear Depends undergarments? 
"
1,11,Kyle,"Dude! I aced that test! I'm gonna win that dinner with Ms. Ellen!
"
1,11,Stan,"No you're not! I don't think I missed any!
"
1,11,Wendy,"Hi, Stan.
"
1,11,Stan,"I bet I scored 100!
"
1,11,Wendy,"HI, STAN!
"
1,11,Stan,"Oh, hi, Wendy.
"
1,11,Wendy,"I was just in the bathroom, and Ms. Ellen was in there taking the biggest dump I've ever seen.
"
1,11,Kyle,"No, she wasn't!
"
1,11,Wendy,"Yes, she was!
"
1,11,Stan,"That's impossible!
"
1,11,Wendy,"Well, she did! And she has horrible, horrible gas, too! She says she can't control it!
"
1,11,Cartman,"Nuh-uh!
"
1,11,Wendy,"It smells like a dead calf rotting in the hot sun!
"
1,11,Kyle,"Oh cool.
"
1,11,Cartman,"Hey Wendy, seriously, you need to stop with this whole jealousy thing!
"
1,11,Kyle,"Yeah. You're acting like a freak, Wendy.
"
1,11,Wendy,"NO I'M NOT ACTING LIKE A FREEEAK!!! 
"
1,11,Cartman,"Damn, man, someone's got to pull that monkey out of Wendy's ass. 
"
1,11,Chef,"Hello there, children.
"
1,11,Cartman,"Oh, hi, Chef.
"
1,11,Kyle,"How did your date with Ms. Ellen go?
"
1,11,Chef,"Not too good.
"
1,11,Stan,"What happened? Didn't you make sweet love to her?
"
1,11,Chef,"No, nono, she's not like that. You see... uh, how do I put this? Children,... Ms. Ellen doesn't exactly play for the right team.  Ih-ih-ih-in in other words, children, she's not a member of the...heterosexual persuasion.  Don't you understand? She's a lesbian.
"
1,11,Stan,"A whatbian?
"
1,11,Kyle,"A plebeian?
"
1,11,Chef,"You boys don't know what a lesbian is?
"
1,11,Stan,"Kenny?  No, explain it to us, Chef.
"
1,11,Chef,"Hud-that-that's okay. Uhd-uh, look. All you need to know is, Ms. Ellen's a lesbian, and that means she only likes other lesbians.
"
1,11,Stan,"Oh.
"
1,11,Chef,"Now move along, children, you're holding up the line! 
"
1,11,Kyle,"Weak, dude. She only likes other lesbians?
"
1,11,Stan,"Hey, man. If she only likes other lesbians, then all we gotta do is become lesbians, too!
"
1,11,Kyle,"Hey, yeah!
"
1,11,Cartman,"You guys. Ya know what? My grandma was Dutch Irish, and my grandpa was lesbian - that makes me quarter-lesbian.
"
1,11,Stan,"You're just saying that, Cartman.
"
1,11,Kyle,"Yeah, you're not a lesbian, fatass.
"
1,11,Cartman,"I am, too!
"
1,11,Tom,"Okay, only a few more bandages to go.
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"Well?
"
1,11,Tom,"Take a look for yourself. 
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"Wwooww, that's a pretty good nose job. What do you think, Mr. Hat?
"
1,11,Mr. Hat,"I think it looks great.
"
1,11,Tom,"Yes. I think once the swelling goes down you'll really notice the difference.
"
1,11,Stan,"What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
"
1,11,Cartman,"My mom said if you want to become a lesbian you have to lick carpet.
"
1,11,Kyle,"Really?
"
1,11,Stan,"Well I got a...Indi-glo...Girls CD. The guy at the record store said it was perfect. 
"
1,11,Kyle,"And I got these killer Birken-stocks.
"
1,11,Indiglo Girls singer,"I woke up very early one Sunday morn...
"
1,11,Cartman,"This is a bunch of crap! I've been licking this carpet for three hours and I still don't feel like a lesbian!
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"Hi, Mrs. Campbell.
"
1,11,Mrs. Campbell,"Oh, How-dy Mr. Garrison. Se-hey, honey, you look kinda differe-hent-huh.
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"Really?
"
1,11,Mrs. Campbell,"Did you get a haircut?
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"No, but thanks for asking. 
"
1,11,Mrs. Campbell,"Call me! I'm in the book!
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"Wow, Mr. Hat. Having a nose job is even better than I thought. There's a whole world of opportunity opening up in front of us.
"
1,11,Wendy,"Thanks for coming over, Bebe.
"
1,11,Bebe,"That's okay, Wendy. I brought my makeup kit like you asked me. What are we doing, anyway?
"
1,11,Wendy,"That mean old substitute isn't going to stop until she takes everything from me, Bebe.
"
1,11,Bebe,"Really?
"
1,11,Wendy,"Yeah. What I'd really like to do is load her into a rocket and have her shoot into the center of the sun. But instead, I'll just get Stan to notice me again. Bebe, I need a makeover.
"
1,11,Bebe,"Oh, cool.
"
1,11,Stan,"I can't wait for Ms. Ellen to see what a raging lesbian I am.
"
1,11,Cartman,"I'm a bigger lesbian than you!
"
1,11,Stan,"No, you're a fatter lesbian than me.
"
1,11,Kyle,"Screw you guys, I'm king lesbian!
"
1,11,Clyde,"Whoa.  Is that Wendy Testaburger? 
"
1,11,Wendy,"Hi guys, what's up?
"
1,11,Cartman,"Wow. Wendy looks just like that chick from Grease, Elton John. 
"
1,11,Stan,"Wow. Hi, Wendy.
"
1,11,Wendy,"Oh. Hi, Stan.  I think it worked, Bebe.
"
1,11,Bebe,"Yeah.
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Good morning, children. 
"
1,11,Stan,"Wow! 
"
1,11,Cartman,"Dang! That's nice!
"
1,11,Kyle,"Yeah!
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Oh, Wendy! You wore black leather, too!  We're like sisters!
"
1,11,Wendy,"DIE!! 
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"All right, kids, I've finished grading your papers and the person with the highest score is-
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"Hello there, children! 
"
1,11,Stan,"Oh, no, Mr. Garrison's back.
"
1,11,Cartman,"Oh, weak, dude!
"
1,11,Wendy,"Hooray! Hooray! Hooray for Mr. Garrison!  He's back! He's back! Mr. Garrison is back! So loong, substitute. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out, now.
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"Children, I have a very important announcement to make.  I'm quitting my job as a teacher. 
"
1,11,Wendy,"Wwhat?
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"It's strange, but suddenly I feel really confident about myself, and I've decided to quit teaching, and do what I've always dreamed of doing: hang out and screw hot chicks.
"
1,11,Wendy,"You...you can't.
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"But the good news is,  I've already talked to Principal Victoria about it and Ms. Ellen can stay on as your permanent teacher. 
"
1,11,Class,"Hooray! 
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Really?
"
1,11,Principal Victoria,"That's right. Will you stay?
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Wel...sure!
"
1,11,Wendy,"Noooo! Noooo!
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Oh. By the way, kids, the person who scored highest on the quiz and gets to have dinner on me...is...Stan.
"
1,11,Stan,"Bluuch. Kick ass!
"
1,11,Wendy,"Nooo!! Nooo!!
"
1,11,Principal Victoria,"Oh, and Wendy, I almost forgot, we just got a call in the office: your grandma just died.
"
1,11,Wendy,"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
"
1,11,Principal Victoria,"Oh, my! What an exciting day!
"
1,11,Photographer,"Great, baby, you're looking great!
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"I'm a lady killer, Mr. Hat.
"
1,11,Mr. Hat,"You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
"
1,11,Photographer,"Okay, just a few hundred more shots and we'll be done!
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"A few hundred?
"
1,11,Photographer,"Hey, that's the life of a model, baby.
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"Hoh, boy, I'm gonna need some more smack.
"
1,11,Photographer,"You've got it! 
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"I'm - very - glad we can have dinner together, Stanley. I want you to know that I really care about your education.
"
1,11,Stan,"Are we making love now?
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Excuse me?
"
1,11,Stan,"They don't have a fireplace here; we shouldn't be making love yet.
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"What are you talking about?
"
1,11,Stan,"You have to make love down by the fire, that's what Chef always says.
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Stan, I'm your teacher, okay? We're only friends.
"
1,11,Stan,"But why?
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Well first of all, you're eight.
"
1,11,Stan,"It's because I'm not a lesbian, isn't it?
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Oh boy.
"
1,11,Wendy,"It's over. I give up. 
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"Boy I'll tell you something Mr. Hat. Being hot and sexy is fun for a while, but it sure does get boring.
"
1,11,Mr. Hat,"You can say that again, Mr. Garrison. 
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"What the...?  Whoa-hey-way-wait-aaah.  Aaaah. Mr. Hat! Save yourself! 
"
1,11,Kyle,"So how'd your date with Ms. Ellen go?
"
1,11,Cartman,"Did you make love?
"
1,11,Stan,"I think so.
"
1,11,Cartman,"No way!
"
1,11,Stan,"Yup.
"
1,11,Kyle,"Down by the fire?
"
1,11,Stan,"Yup.
"
1,11,Kenny,"(And did you stick it in right when the fireplace gave you the shadow light?)
"
1,11,Stan,"Did I what?
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Good morning, children.
"
1,11,Wendy,"Ms. Ellen. Can I talk to you?
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Sure, but...can't it wait until after class, Wendy?
"
1,11,Wendy,"No. I just have to apologize for the way I've been acting.
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Oh, that's okay, Wendy.
"
1,11,Wendy,"No, it's not. Since you're here to stay, I just hope we can be friends.
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Well, I would love that, Wendy.
"
1,11,Wendy,"And - ahem - I want to apologize to everybody. The way I acted was wrong,  and I've learned from it.  I just wish...Stan, and Ms. Ellen, would have all the happiness in the world.
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Wendy, there's nothing between me and Stan!
"
1,11,Cartman,"That's not what we just heard!
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"Hoh Mr. Hat, I hate this! I wish I'd never had a nose job. 
"
1,11,Woman,"Oh my God, did he...?
"
1,11,Mr. Garrison,"Damn this beautiful face of mine! Damn it to hell!!  We have to get the surgery again, Mr. Hat. I want to be the old me again! 
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Okay, children, let's catch up on our cursive handwriting.
"
1,11,Leader,"Down! Down! Everybody down!
"
1,11,Cartman,"What the hell...? 
"
1,11,Leader,"So! We meet again, Ms. Ellen!
"
1,11,Principal Victoria,"And just what is going on here, mister?
"
1,11,Leader,"I am Hakeem Korashki, of the mighty nation of Iraq! This woman is a traitor to our government!
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"It's a lie!
"
1,11,Korashki,"She has killed thousands, and will kill again, I assure you!
"
1,11,Principal Victoria,"Ms. Ellen, is this true?
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Nooo!
"
1,11,Korashki,"We must take her back to Iraq immediately!
"
1,11,Wendy,"Oh, coool!
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Principal Victoria, please.
"
1,11,Korashki,"Here is a black-and-white photo of Ms. Ellen with our leader.  Her real name is Makesh Alak Makarakesh.
"
1,11,Principal Victoria,"Well, Ms. Makaraqesh, you certainly tried to put one over on us, boy howdy. Take her away!
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"NOOOO!!  GET AWAY FROM ME!! UUGH!!
"
1,11,Stan,"Oh my God, she killed Kenny!
"
1,11,Kyle,"You bastard!
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"NOOOOOOO!!
"
1,11,Wendy,"Wow.  What incredible irony.
"
1,11,Stan,"Wow. I can't believe Ms. Ellen was a criminal Iraqi fugitive.
"
1,11,Wendy,"Yeah, you just never know.
"
1,11,Stan,"Well, I guess I'm sorry that I was ignoring you and stuff.
"
1,11,Wendy,"Happy Valentine's Day, Staan. 
"
1,11,Stan,"Bluuuuch! 
"
1,11,Wendy,"Eeewwww! 
"
1,11,Stan,"Sorry.
"
1,11,Wendy,"No, it's okay, Stan!  Everything's going to be o-kay!
"
1,11,Kyle,"Cartman, are you still trying to become a lesbian?!
"
1,11,Cartman,"Yeah, dude! My mom says all I have to do is chow on this box.
"
1,11,Korashki,"For crimes against this country, you are hereby sentenced to be shot into the center of the sun!
"
1,11,Ms. Ellen,"Egh.  This is all a mistake!  This can't be happening!  Pleease! For the love of God!
"
1,11,Korashki,"Shove off!! 
"
1,11,Mrs. Campbell,"Wo-hoo-hoo! Great party, Wendy!
"
1,11,Wendy,"Thanks, Mrs. Campbell. Thanks for helping me get Mr. Garrison to come back as a teacher.
"
1,11,Mrs. Campbell,"Anything for you, sugar-pie!
"
1,11,Wendy,"Oh, hi, Kyle!
"
1,11,Kyle,"I've been thinking, Wendy. This whole outcome is pretty strange.
"
1,11,Wendy,"U-huh. Excuse me.  Ka fahra qehlaq hemblaq!
"
1,11,Iraqi,"Ka fahra qetlaq humblaq! 
"
1,11,Wendy,"Laq hemblaq henlaq henlalah qemblaq!
"
1,11,Iraqi,"Kuhla shaluah lakhenblaturtulah!
"
1,11,Wendy,"Kaqemblaq! 
"
1,11,Iraqi,"Ah, laqeh blakatah! 
"
1,11,Kyle,"How is it that Ms. Ellen was suddenly arrested for being an Iraq-
"
1,11,Wendy,"Wait, wait!  It's time to whip out the eclipse shoebox thing!  Bye-bye, Ms. Ellen.
"
1,11,Kyle,"Wendy! You didn't!
"
1,11,Wendy,"I told her. Don't... fuck... with... Wendy... Testaburger! 
"
1,12,Anthropologist,"...And so, these ancient arrowheads are buried deep down in the earth's crust. We dig them up, polish them off, and find over twelve new arrowheads every month.
"
1,12,Cartman,"Boooriing. 
"
1,12,Mr. Garrison,"Eric, keep quiet. I'm trying to sleep. 
"
1,12,Anthropologist,"Now, can anybody tell me, who left these arrowheads here?
"
1,12,Stan,"Isn't that your job?
"
1,12,Anthropologist,"Well... yes, but I want to see if you're learning anything.
"
1,12,Stan,"Oooh.
"
1,12,Anthropologist,"Okay, I tell you what. Why don't we all grab our little anthropology pickaxes - that were handed out and we wuh dig for our very own Indian arrowheads. 
"
1,12,Cartman,"Day is never finished, Massa got me working
Someday Massa set me free...
"
1,12,Stan,"Dude. Shut up, Cartman.
"
1,12,Pip,"Oh! Oh I think I found one! 
"
1,12,Cartman,"No, I found it.
"
1,12,Pip,"Oh. I do believe I found it first.
"
1,12,Cartman,"No, I did, Pip.
"
1,12,Pip,"Oh dear.
"
1,12,Cartman,"Well, I guess we'll have to roshambo for it.
"
1,12,Pip,"What do you mean?
"
1,12,Cartman,"Well. First I kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, then you kick me in the nuts as hard as you can, and we keep going back and forth until somebody falls. The last one standing gets the arrowhead.
"
1,12,Pip,"Oh. By, weh. I suppose if I must.
"
1,12,Cartman,"Okay, ready? I'll go first. 
"
1,12,Pip,"Well-uh I, I guess you win.
"
1,12,Cartman,"Huh I don't care. You can have this stupid arrowhead, I don't want it. 
Day is never finished, Massa got me working... Oh, look, I found another one  Ooh, this is just a stupid triangle! 
"
1,12,Kyle,"Whoa. Check it out, dude.  It's got little drawings on it.
"
1,12,Stan,"What is it?
"
1,12,Kyle,"I don't know. 
"
1,12,Stan,"Whoa!
"
1,12,Kyle,"That was cool!
"
1,12,Cartman,"Eeyy! Give me that back!
"
1,12,Kyle,"You threw it away, Cartman! It's mine now.
"
1,12,Cartman,"We'll roshambo for it!
"
1,12,Kyle,"No way, fatty, it's mine!
"
1,12,Cartman,"ANTHROPOLOGIST!
"
1,12,Anthropologist,"How's it going, boys?
"
1,12,Cartman,"I found a magic triangle, and this greedy son of a bitch took it from me!
"
1,12,Kyle,"You threw it away, fatso!
"
1,12,Anthropologist,"Hm, let me see that.  Why, this is Anasazi writing! My God, this must be thousands of years old!
"
1,12,Cartman,"Come on, let me kick you in the nuts for it! 
"
1,12,Anchor,"...and finally tonight, a young boy from South Park, Colorado found something very interesting during a field trip today. Here with a special report is a quadraplegic Swiss man on a pony.
"
1,12,Quadraplegic Swiss man,"Thanks, Tom, the little eight year old was very shocked indeed when he came across a very ancient triangular object.
"
1,12,Kyle,"Well, I was just digging around, and I was all like, 'dude, I found this triangle' and my friends were like, 'dude' and I was all like 'dude.'
"
1,12,Cartman,"...and I told him. I said, 'Kyle, I will kick you in the nuts.' But he didn't give it back to me. So I kicked him square - in the nuts, and he cried - like Nancy Kerrigan!
"
1,12,Kyle,"You liar, Cartman!
"
1,12,Cartman,"Screw you, triangle thief!
"
1,12,Quadraplegic Swiss man,"And so, the little boy will take his discovery home and perhaps donate it to science... mwell a little later. Back to you, Dave.
"
1,12,Dave,"Thanks Tom. Those are some cute, cute kids, except for that last one-he's a little tubby.
"
1,12,Cartman,"Eeyy!
"
1,12,Stan,"What are you going to do with it, dude?
"
1,12,Kyle,"I'm going to put it in my room, where Cartman can't find it.
"
1,12,Cartman,"Oh I'll find it, don't worry!  God - dammit, give me my triangle, Kyle, seriously.
"
1,12,Stan,"You did throw it away, Cartman.
"
1,12,Cartman,"I was just setting it aside.
"
1,12,Stan,"Well, you might as well let it go.
"
1,12,Cartman,"Never! I'll get that triangle if it's the last thing I do!
"
1,12,Chef,"Give me a little bit of that pepper
Give me a little bit of that salt
Put it in the skillet and cook it...
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"Excuse me, sir...
"
1,12,Chef,"Can I help-ey, you're that movie critic - guy on TV.
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"Leonard Maltin, yes.
"
1,12,Chef,"Well, I'll be a teenage girl backstage at am Aerosmith concert. Leonard Maltin in my cafeteria. I'm Chef.
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"I know who you are. You must listen to me, Chef. We have precious little time. Have you seen Barbra Streisand recently?
"
1,12,Chef,"Barbra Streisand? You mean like, the Barbra Streisand?
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"Have you seen her?!
"
1,12,Chef,"No. Not since 'Yentl.
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"Thank God. Then I'm not too late.
"
1,12,Chef,"Too late for what?
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"Chef, it is of the utmost importance that you tell me where those little boys from the news report on TV are.
"
1,12,Chef,"Why do you care?
"
1,12,Stan,"I have a button we can use for his nose.
"
1,12,Kenny,"(Yeah, and I got this nice marble sack to go with this carrot stick, see?)
"
1,12,Kyle,"What would we use a marble sack for?
"
1,12,Cartman,"Be careful where you put that carrot. Kyle might steal it.
"
1,12,Kyle,"I didn't steal anything.
"
1,12,Cartman,"Stan, would you tell Kyle that I'm not speaking with him?
"
1,12,Kyle,"Good! 
"
1,12,Cartman,"What's that noise? 
"
1,12,Kyle,"Whoa!
"
1,12,Cartman,"Aaah! Aliens! 
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"Who is the boy I saw on the news report tonight?  Hello there, little boy. Do you know who I am?
"
1,12,Kyle,"No.
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"Ugh. I bet you do.
I'm going-
"
1,12,Kyle,"Aagh! Stop that!
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"-where there's lucky clovers in the f-
"
1,12,Stan,"Ow, that sucks, dude!
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"I'm Barbra Streisand!
"
1,12,Stan,"...so?
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"So?! Uh muh, so I'm a very famous and vey important individual.
"
1,12,Stan,"Like John Elway important?
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"What?!
"
1,12,Stan,"D'you know John Elway?
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"No!
"
1,12,Stan,"Oh, so you're really famous and important but you don't know John Elway!
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"Ugh. Look. Little boy, I understand that you found a neat little triangle near here, you know what I'm talking about?
"
1,12,Kyle,"Yyeeaahh.
"
1,12,Cartman,"No! I found it, he stole it!
"
1,12,Kyle,"You threw it away, Cartman!
"
1,12,Cartman,"I'm not talking to him, because he's a dirty thief.
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"Well, little boy, does the triangle have a symbol of two snakes joined at the middle?
"
1,12,Kyle,"Yeah. How'd you know?
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"Okay, now this is very important. Where is the triangle of Zinthar now?
"
1,12,Kyle,"Triangle of Zinthar?
"
1,12,Stan,"Why do you wanta know, lady?!
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"I'm not talking to you, you piss-ant little hick!
"
1,12,Stan,"Whoa, dude!
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"Where is the triangle, dammit?! 
"
1,12,Kyle,"AAAAAA!
"
1,12,Officer Barbrady,"What seems to be the problemo here?
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"Problemo? Huh, There's no problemo, Officer. I was just introducing myself to these charming little boys.
"
1,12,Cartman,"Na-ah! She's being a total bitch!
"
1,12,Officer Barbrady,"Boys, shouldn't you be in school?
"
1,12,Stan,"It's Saturday.
"
1,12,Officer Barbrady,"No excuses, move along, you little troublemakers! 
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"...Well?!
"
1,12,Officer Barbrady,"Well what?
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"You know who I am, don't you?
"
1,12,Officer Barbrady,"Well, you ain't Fiona Apple, and if you ain't Fiona Apple, I don't give a rat's ass!
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"Waaaaaaah! 
"
1,12,Officer Barbrady,"Hoh, what a bitch!
"
1,12,Chef,"I guess he's not home, Leonard Maltin.
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"Damn! Then we must look for them elsewhere.
"
1,12,Chef,"Come on, man. What is this all about?
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"If Barbra Streisand saw the same report I did, then those boys are in grave danger. If you were Barbra Streisand, where would you be right now?
"
1,12,Chef,"Hmmm. 
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"Nono! I mean, where would she be staying?
"
1,12,Chef,"Oh. Uh, well, I always heard that Ms. Streisand had her own $4 million condominium - up near the ski slope.
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"Where?
"
1,12,Chef,"Uh I don't know. Ih-ih it was just a runor.
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"Dammit man, where's your car?!
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"He has it, Milo. That little bastard has the triangle.
"
1,12,Milo,"Are you sure?
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"I'm sure! He knew about the symbol of Krewluck!
"
1,12,Milo,"Then why don't we go get it?
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"A cop showed up - he's a clever one - I can't blow everything now that I'm this close. Everything must be handled very carefully.  How many years has it been, Milo? Thirty? Forty? For so long I have waited to find the other triangle, and now I am so close. The Dawn of Zinthar is close at hand! 
"
1,12,Ike,"Cokeshen. 
"
1,12,Kyle,"Cartman?
"
1,12,Cartman,"You scared the crap out of me, Ike!
"
1,12,Kyle,"What the hell are you doing?!
"
1,12,Cartman,"I'm trying to get my tri- wait a minute, I'm not talking to you. Ike, will you tell Kyle that I was trying to get my triangle back?
"
1,12,Ike,"Rear trohtru badt.
"
1,12,Kyle,"Well, Ike. You can tell Cartman that it's my triangle!
"
1,12,Ike,"Cookeh monter
"
1,12,Cartman,"Well, you can tell Kyle that he's a dirty goddam son of a bitch!!
"
1,12,Ike,"Ahtoahtahneurah.
"
1,12,Kyle,"Alright, alright! If it means that much to you, take the stupid triangle!
"
1,12,Cartman,"Huh?!
"
1,12,Kyle,"If it'll make you leave me alone, then just take the damned thing! Here!  There. Now, get out of my house! And I hope you feel really, really good about yourself!
"
1,12,Cartman,"Hell, yeah I do, I got the triangle.I got the triangle, I got the triangle, dee dun dee dun
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"Are you sure Barbra Streisand has a condo up here?
"
1,12,Chef,"It was just a rumor. A lot of big celebrities have mountain condos.
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"Then we've got to keep looking.
"
1,12,Chef,"Alright. Leonard Maltin, this has gone far enough! I ain't drivin' another mile until you tell me what this is all about!
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"Haven't you ever been curious about the insanity Barbra Streisand exhibits?
"
1,12,Chef,"Well, I always heard she was kind of a bitch, but-.
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"More than a bitch! She's a calculating, self-centered egotistical bitch! She was born in a small town, her mother was a jackal, and her father was an insurance salesman.
"
1,12,Chef,"Woohoohoohoo. An insurance salesman?
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"When she was five, she knew that she wanted to be a famous singer, but by the time she was six, her ambitions became to rule the univese. She learned of an ancient diamond, the Diamond of Pantheos.
"
1,12,Chef,"Okay. You know what? Never mind, I don't need to know all this!  Forget I asked!
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"Before she was seven the keepers of Pantheos learned of this insane little girl's wish. The diamond was split up, and buried at opposite ends of the world. But then, during the shooting of My Fair Lady, Barbra Streisand found one of the triangles.
"
1,12,Chef,"And the other triangle is the one that little Kyle has?
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"Yes, Mr. Chef. If Babs gets ahold of that other triangle, she will fulfill her prophecy, and become the most threatening thing ever known to mankind. Mecha-Streisand!
"
1,12,Chef,"Mega-Streisand? Oh, man, I don't know what the hell that means, but it doesn't sound good.
"
1,12,Stan,"Man, the bus sure is late.
"
1,12,Cartman,"Hmmm. I wonder what I should do with my triangle, now that it is mmyy triangle.
"
1,12,Kyle,"Dammit Cartman! I gave it to you so you would shut... up.
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"Oh, hello there, little boys. How are you today?
"
1,12,Stan,"Fine.
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"That is great. My name is Mrs. Jones, and I am a very friendly, nice person.  I hear that one of you found my triangle.
"
1,12,Kyle,"Your triangle?
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"Yes. You see, that triangle is part of my kidney dialysis machine. I'm so glad you found it, because without it I was sure to die within hours.
"
1,12,Cartman,"Oh no you don't! Finders Keepers!
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"But I'll die.
"
1,12,Cartman,"Well, I guess we'll have to roshambo for it. I'll kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, then you kick me square in the nuts as hard as you can...
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"I want to give you a big cash reward for finding it. It's worth a lot of money to me.
"
1,12,Cartman,"It is?
"
1,12,Stan,"Hey, no wonder that Barbra Streisand lady wanted it.
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"Oooh, hahahah. Who is that?
"
1,12,Kyle,"Oh, just this really really old lady who wishes she was still only 45. 
"
1,12,Stan,"Yeah, and you should have seen her nose. It was big enough to land stealth bombers on. 
"
1,12,Cartman,"Yeeh, stealth bombers  Yeah, and talk about a bitch, I haven't seen-
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"ENOUGH!!  Oh, Haa-ha. Anyway, if you'll come with me in my car, I'll take you up to my condo where I'll kill you - I I mean-uh, uh give you - moneyy - for the triangle.
"
1,12,Cartman,"Sweet! I'm gonna be rich. Bet you wish you hadn't given me that triangle back now, huh, Kyle? Dumbass! 
"
1,12,Kyle,"Wait. Isn't there some rule about not getting into cars with strnagers?
"
1,12,Cartman,"No, not when money is involved, stupid! 
"
1,12,Director,"And. Action!
"
1,12,Sidney Poitier,"Rebecca, I'm a man. A man like any other with dreams and emotions. And that's why I'll never put a foreign object up my ass.
"
1,12,Director,"Cut, great, print that. Excellent work, Sid. Take five, guys, let's set up for the next shot. 
"
1,12,Princesses,"Hello.
"
1,12,Sidney Poitier,"Huh?
"
1,12,Princesses,"You must hurry! A young man has found the Triangle of Zinthar.
"
1,12,Sidney Poitier,"Where?
"
1,12,Princesses,"At a small piss-ant white-bread mountain town in Colorado called South Park.
"
1,12,Sidney Poitier,"Excellent!
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"Eh. Soon, the triangle of Zinthar will be mine, and I will be the biggest, most famous person ever!
"
1,12,Cartman,"Ugh. Llet me go! Seriously!
"
1,12,Stan,"Yeah, let us go!
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"You fools have no idea the powers that you are meddling with! I'll teach you to meddle with my triangle! 
"
1,12,Cartman,"Eey!  It's not my triangle, it's Kyle's!
"
1,12,Kyle,"Hey! Don't try to pass it back on me, fatass!
"
1,12,Cartman,"Eechh! Screw you, hippie! Eeeh-eh.
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"Wheeere is the triangle of Zinthar?!
"
1,12,Cartman,"I don't remember.
"
1,12,Kyle,"Goddammit tell her! I wanna go home!
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"Maybe this will help jar your memory...
"
1,12,Cartman,"No! Don't!  AAAAAA! AAAAADUH!
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"NOOOW do you remember?!
"
1,12,Cartman,"WAAAGH! Damn your black heart, Barbra Streisand!
"
1,12,Stan,"Ugh. I don't know how much more I can take, dude.
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"Alright. You asked for it!I'm gonna tell you now... 
"
1,12,Chef,"Eeeeh-I don't know, man. Maybe Barbra Streisand doesn't have a place up here after all.
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"Well, looks like we'll have to go to plan B.
"
1,12,Chef,"There's a plan B? Why the hell have we been driving around all night and day for, when there's a plan B.
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"Have you ever heard of the band called, The Cure?
"
1,12,Chef,"Ooh, come oonn! Don't tell me The Cure has something to do with this too!
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"No, no. Just the lead singer.  Oh! Ah!
"
1,12,Chef,"Who-o-oa! What's the matter, Leonard Maltin?
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"She's close! She's very close-I can feel her.
"
1,12,Chef,"Where?
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"Sh-She has the boys! The, they're in trouble!
"
1,12,Chef,"Ooh, fudge!
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"Keep going this way! Hurry! 
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"Happiness with you is like happiness... 
"
1,12,Cartman,"Okay, okay. I'll tell where the triangle is. It's inside my shoe. 
"
1,12,Kyle,"Aagh! For Christ's sake, Cartman, when was the last time you changed your socks?
"
1,12,Cartman,"I suppose your socks smell like the Botanical Gardens!
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"Finally, the triangle is mine! After centuries of waiting, I finally have the triangle of Zinthar! Now, the Diamond of Pantheos is complete  Sugoi! Kono ima... atarashii hajimari da! Ima kara... atashi no na mae wa... (Wow! This is... a new beginning! From now on... my name will be...) 
"
1,12,Stan,"Whoa, dude! 
"
1,12,Barbra Streisand,"...Mecha... Barbura... Sutoraisando! 
"
1,12,Stan,"Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
"
1,12,Jimbo,"Holy crap, Ned! That's the biggest Goddamned deer I have ever seen!
"
1,12,Reporter,"...and so, just weeks after the devastating attack of mutant genetic creatures, zombies, and Thanksgiving turkeys, the town of South Park has managed to rebuild itself, once again be-  Oh, Goddammit, not again! 
"
1,12,Singer,"Bar-bura, Bar-bura... ...kirai no hito. (you are so hateful) Bar-bura, Bar-bura... ...anata no hi. (today is your day) 
"
1,12,Assistant,"Mayor! Barbra Streisand is-
"
1,12,Mayor,"I noticed! Call the National Guard!  Ohohohoh, we'll get you, you bitch.  And to think I actually watched your HBO special.
"
1,12,Chef,"Children!
"
1,12,The boys,"Chef!
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"Oh no! No! She has joned the two triangles?
"
1,12,Cartman,"Yes! She stole my triangle!
"
1,12,Stan,"Get us down from here!
"
1,12,Chef,"I can't - break these - locks!
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"Stand back, Chef!  Marutam Re! 
"
1,12,Kyle,"Whoa, that was cool!
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"I've got to go after Mecha Streisand! Chef, I need you to call Robert Smith of The Cure at this number!
"
1,12,Stan,"Robert Smith? Sweet!
"
1,12,Robert Smith,"Hello?
"
1,12,Chef,"Uuuh, yes. Is this Robert Smith of the Cure?
"
1,12,Robert Smith,"Yes i' is.
"
1,12,Chef,"This may sound kind of strange, but... Leonard Maltin asked me to call you.
"
1,12,Robert Smith,"Ooooooh so Barbra Streisand's found the other triangle, eh? 
"
1,12,Sergeant,"All right, men, give 'er everything you've got! 
"
1,12,Jimbo,"Get around th' side there, Ned. I can't get a shot in from here.
"
1,12,Ned,"Okay.  Aah! aah! I'm scaared! 
"
1,12,Singer,"Bar-bura, Bar-bura, ugoina chichi da. (Barbra, Barbra, those tits are wonderful)
"
1,12,Sergeant,"It's no use! Our firepower has no effect!
"
1,12,Sheila Broflovski,"Oh my God, it is you! Oh, I an such a huge fan, Ms. Streisand. I never thought I'd live to see you in person!  I hate to ask this, but could I get an autograph? My sister would die.  Oh thank you, Ms. Streisand! 
"
1,12,Citizen,"Oh my Goooodd! 
"
1,12,Mr. Garrison,"We're doomed! Good-bye, Mr. Hat.
"
1,12,Singer,"Bar-bura, Bar-bura! 
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"Barbra!  Kitte, Kitte. Churipu. (Come, come. Tulip!)
"
1,12,Singer,"Ultura Lenardu Marutin! 
"
1,12,Chef,"Look out, children!
"
1,12,Kenny,"(Oh no! I have got to stay away fro-aaagh!)  (Ugh!)
"
1,12,Stan,"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
"
1,12,Kyle,"You bastard!
"
1,12,Sidney Poitier,"What's going on here?
"
1,12,Chef,"Sidney Poitier?
"
1,12,Sidney Poitier,"That's right. I'm Sidney Poitier.
"
1,12,Chef,"Damn, man, it's nice to meet you! Seein' Sidney Poitier in my hometown!
"
1,12,Sidney Poitier,"Barbra Streisand has found the triangle of Zinthar?
"
1,12,Chef,"Yeup! She's made the Diamond of Pantheos alright.
"
1,12,Sidney Poitier,"Kolooh kulatchki! 
"
1,12,Singer,"Megara Poatia, Megara Poatia, sokuroi da ne. (Megara Poatia Megara Poatia. Look, how black you are.) Megara Poatia, Megara Poatia-
"
1,12,Chef,"Is that really necessary?
"
1,12,Chef,"It's over. She's too strong for them, children. We'll have to leave town.
"
1,12,Cartman,"Make it go away! I hate Barbra Streisand! I hate her! 
"
1,12,Stan,"My mom always said there were no monsters, but there are, aren't there, Chef?
"
1,12,Chef,"We have to say good-bye... to South Park.
"
1,12,Woman,"Oh my Goooood, help meeee! 
"
1,12,Robert Smith,"Am I too late?
"
1,12,Chef,"Who are you?
"
1,12,Stan,"Dude! Robert Smith of the Cure!
"
1,12,Cartman,"Sweet!
"
1,12,Robert Smith,"Here, you boys hold this walkie, you can help me fight her.
"
1,12,Chef,"You can try, Robert Smith, but that thing just beat the crap out of Leonard Maltin and Sidney Poitier.
"
1,12,Robert Smith,"I have to try. I can't let Barbra Streisand do this to the entire world.
"
1,12,Singer,"Rabartu Smitu, Rabartu Smitu, tashiwa daisuki Rabartu Smitu. (Robert Smith, Robert Smith, I like you a lot, Robert Smith)
"
1,12,Leonard Maltin,"We must tell him that her weak point is the nose.
"
1,12,Stan,"Robert Smith, hit her nose. Use Robot Punch.
"
1,12,Kyle,"The Diamond of Pantheos.  She must be powerless now.
"
1,12,Stan,"Quickly, Robert Smith! She's powerless!
"
1,12,Singer,"Rabartu Smitu, Rabartu Smitu! 
"
1,12,Stan,"He did it!
"
1,12,Kyle,"No more Barbra Streisand, everrrrr!
"
1,12,Stan,"Wow! Robert Smith is the greatest person that ever lived!
"
1,12,Jesus,"Our Savior!
"
1,12,Robert Smith,"Can I have my walkie-talkie back now, please?
"
1,12,Cartman,"No way! You gave it to us-it's mine now!
"
1,12,Robert Smith,"Alright, I'll roshambo you for it. Ready?
"
1,12,Cartman,"Huh?  Eh. Aaah-ah! Aaah!
"
1,12,Chef,"Hey! Where's he goin'?
"
1,12,Stan,"Good-bye, Robert Smith!
"
1,12,Cartman,"Thanks for your help! Visit us again!
"
1,12,Kyle,"Disintegration is the best album everrr!
"
1,12,Stan,"Well, what should we do with the two triangles now?
"
1,12,Kyle,"We've got to get rid of them.  Nobody should have the kind of power Barbra Streisand wanted! 
"
1,12,Stan,"Well, at least I have this sweet walkie-talkie Robert Smith gave me.
"
1,12,Cartman,"No! That's my walkie-talkie, he gave it to me!
"
1,12,Kyle,"Dammit Cartman, don't you ever learn anything?! 
"
1,12,Cartman,"Come on, Stan, it's mine! I'll roshambo you for it! 
"
1,12,Stan,"Go to hell, Cartman!
"
1,12,Kyle,"Well, that whole experience sure did suck.
"
1,12,Stan,"Yeah. I'm sure glad that's over with.
"
1,12,Kyle,"But you know, I've learned something today. I've learned that people who want power, a lot of power, always... end up dead.
"
1,12,Stan,"Yeah.
"
1,12,Cartman,"Yeah, and I've learned something, too. Robert Smith kicks ass!  Oh no! She's back!
"
1,12,Stan,"Oh my God! Look! 
"
1,12,All three,"AAAAA! MECHA IKE!
"
1,13,Stan,"Dude! The bus will be here any minute, and Cartman didn't show up for school.
"
1,13,Kyle,"Yeah. This is like the third day in a row. I wonder what's wrong
"
1,13,Kenny,"(Perhaps, he's just too big to get out of bed) 
"
1,13,Kyle,"Yeah.
"
1,13,Stan,"Maybe we should ditch school and go check on him. 
"
1,13,Ms. Crabtree,"Come on, we're running late!
"
1,13,Stan,"We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch!
"
1,13,Ms. Crabtree,"What did you say?!
"
1,13,Stan,"I said: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.
"
1,13,Ms. Crabtree,"Oh. Alright, then. 
"
1,13,Kyle,"Whoa, dude.
"
1,13,Stan,"I always wondered if that would work.
"
1,13,Liane,"Hello, boys.
"
1,13,Kyle,"Hi. We were wondering why fatass  I mean, Cartman, hasn't been showing up for school.
"
1,13,Liane,"Ooooh, he's just been feeling under the weather. Maybe you boys can cheer him up. He's in the backyard.
"
1,13,Stan,"In the backyard?
"
1,13,Cartman,"Would you like some more tea, Polly Prissy Pants?
"
1,13,Polly,"Yes, Eric, I would like some tea. Thank you.
"
1,13,Cartman,"You're very welcome, Polly Prissy Pants.  Would you like some tea, Clyde Frog?
"
1,13,Clyde,"Yes, please, Eric. Why are you so cool?
"
1,13,Cartman,"Oh. I don't know, Clyde Frog. I just am.
"
1,13,Polly,"You are so strong and smart, Eric. Everybody likes you.
"
1,13,Cartman,"Why, thank you, Polly Prissy Pants. How nice of you. 
"
1,13,Stan,"Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
"
1,13,Kenny,"(I think if we run, try to get Eric to drop his tea)
"
1,13,Kyle,"Come on! Let's go make fun of him!
"
1,13,Stan,"No, dude. This look really serious. I think we'd better get help.
"
1,13,Kyle,"Really?
"
1,13,Peter,"We like ya, Eric. You are the coolest guy in the world. This is tremendous tea.
"
1,13,Cartman,"Why, thank you, Peter Panda. This is Distinctive Earl Grey.
"
1,13,Polly,"Eric is the best!
"
1,13,Clyde,"Hooray for Eric!
"
1,13,Peter,"Eric kicks ass!
"
1,13,Kyle,"Mr. Mackey, something's really wrong with Cartman.
"
1,13,Mr. Mackey,"Oh, well, there's a news flash!
"
1,13,Stan,"Nono. We saw him having a tea party with his stuffed animals.
"
1,13,Kyle,"Yeah. He was doing their voices and pouring tea for them.
"
1,13,Mr. Mackey,"Oooh okay... Eric is obviously suffering from some kind of emotional distress, mkay?
"
1,13,Kyle,"Woo-whataya mean?
"
1,13,Mr. Mackey,"Have you boys noticed anything recently that troubled Eric?
"
1,13,Stan,"No.
"
1,13,Mr. Mackey,"Well-obviously something is bothering him.  Oh, of course!  My video camera! Boys, if you could videotape Eric's behavior, then I can study him psychologically and find out what's wrong, mkay?
"
1,13,Stan,"Is that legal?
"
1,13,Mr. Mackey,"Oh, hell yes!
"
1,13,Cartman,"My goodness, that's a lovely dress you are wearing, Polly Prissy Pants.
"
1,13,Polly,"Oh, thank you, Eric. You are a perfect gentleman, and you are smart and true.
"
1,13,Peter,"Yes, Eric, you are strong and smart and true. Everybody likes you very much.
"
1,13,Cartman,"That's niiice, Peter Panda.
"
1,13,Stan,"Dude, this is going to be the funniest tape ever made.
"
1,13,Kyle,"How much do you think Mr. Mackey needs?
"
1,13,Stan,"I donnow, just keep rolling.
"
1,13,Cartman,"More tea, Rumpertumskin?
"
1,13,Rumpertumskin,"Yes, please, Eric. You are tough and handsome.
"
1,13,Cartman,"Thank you, Rumpertumskin. And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog?
"
1,13,Clyde,"I think you're a big fat piece of crap.
"
1,13,Cartman,"Eeeyy!
"
1,13,Kitty,"Meow.
"
1,13,Cartman,"No, Kitty, this is my corned beef cabbage!
"
1,13,Kitty,"Meow.
"
1,13,Cartman,"No, Kitty, that's a bad kitty!
"
1,13,Kitty,"Hhhhhcck!
"
1,13,Liane,"How is your beefy roast, snookums?
"
1,13,Cartman,"Mom? Can I ask you a question?
"
1,13,Liane,"Sure, hon.
"
1,13,Cartman,"You know how my friend Stan, has... a dad?
"
1,13,Liane,"Uh huuuh.
"
1,13,Cartman,"And my friend Kyle has - a dad, and my friend Kenny has a dad?
"
1,13,Liane,"Yyeess??  Well, what's your question, hon?
"
1,13,Cartman,"God-dammit!! Do I have a dad?!
"
1,13,Liane,"Oooooohh.
"
1,13,Cartman,"I want to know where I came from.
"
1,13,Liane,"Ooohh, hhmmm . Wwell - yyou see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are... attracted to each other , they want to be... close to each other.
"
1,13,Cartman,"Uh huuh.
"
1,13,Liane,"And sometimes the man puts his who-who-dilly in the woman's cha-cha. 
"
1,13,Cartman,"So who put his who-who-dilly in your cha-cha?
"
1,13,Liane,"Eric, the day I met your father it was like - magic! It was a beautiful autumn night when the aspen trees were turning, at the Twelfth Annual Drunken Barn Dance. 
"
1,13,Liane,"I was young and naive then... 
"
1,13,Man,"Man, I've never seen a woman drink that much-you're amazing, Ms. Cartman.
"
1,13,Liane,"Oh, heck. I haven't even started yet. He-he.  I baked cookiees; would anybody like one?! 
"
1,13,Trainee Barbrady,"I wouldn't mind gettin' ahold of your cookies, Ms. Cartman!
"
1,13,Liane,"Well, go right ahead, Officer Barbrady.
"
1,13,Trainee Barbrady,"Mm, that's a good cookie! 
"
1,13,Jimbo,"Come on everybody, let's do the Drunken Barn Dance! 
"
1,13,Liane,"And then I saw him. He was the most beautiful, charming piece of ass I'd ever seen in South Park. His name... was Chief Running Water.  I don't recall exactly how the rest of the night went, but the next morning I was pregnant with you, my little blueberry muffin.
"
1,13,Cartman,"So where is Chief Running Water-I mean, Dad, now?
"
1,13,Liane,"Oh I never saw him after that. Ah-I wasn't really that interested in him.
"
1,13,Cartman,"That isn't a very romantic story, Mom.
"
1,13,Liane,"I heard he still lives on the Ute reservation just outside of town.
"
1,13,Cartman,"Well. To think all this time I'm actually a Naive American.
"
1,13,Kitty,"Meow.
"
1,13,Cartman,"No, Kitty, that's a bad kitty!!
"
1,13,Annoncer,"Coming this Sunday,  a major television event that will blow you away. Terrance. Phillip.  In the harrowing made-for-TV drama, Not Without My Anus, based on a true story.
"
1,13,Terrance,"Hey, Phillip. I have to go to Iraq and find my kidnapped daughter.
"
1,13,Phillip,"Then I'm going to go with you, Terrance. 
"
1,13,Annoncer,"See Canada's hottest stars on the HBC movie of the week.
"
1,13,Stan,"Wow, check it out, dude. We have to remember to tape Not Without My Anus next week!
"
1,13,Kyle,"Yeah, dude. It looks riveting. 
"
1,13,Stan,"Come on Grampa. We wanna watch Terrance and Phillip.
"
1,13,Grampa,"No, Billy. We're gonna watch the Bob Saget show.
"
1,13,Stan,"Aaawww.
"
1,13,Kyle,"Hunh?
"
1,13,Annoncer,"And now, back to America's Stupidest Home Videos. Here is you host, Bob Saget!
"
1,13,Bob Saget,"Hey, I just flew into the studio.  Boy are my arms tired. Heheh. Heh.  Wha, Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? 'Cause he didn't have the guts.  Knock knock.  Bob  Bob Saget 
"
1,13,Stan,"This guy sucks! 
"
1,13,Kyle,"Yeah. He's almost as bad as that guy on Full House.
"
1,13,Stan,"Cartman? What the hell are you doing dresed up like an Indian with a bear necklace?
"
1,13,Cartman,"Naive American, Stan, and the bear is very important to my people. 
"
1,13,Stan,"What?? 
"
1,13,Cartman,"Hey! The white man has marred my people long enough! You keep your God-damned mouth shut!  Stan, I need your bike in order to ride over to the reservation.
"
1,13,Stan,"What are you talking about, Cartman?!
"
1,13,Cartman,"My name isn't Eric Cartman, it's Eric Running Water. Now, can I borrow your bike, or do I have to kick you in the nuts and steal it?
"
1,13,Stan,"Go ahead, dude. 
"
1,13,Kyle,"Man. Cartman's more screwed up than I thought.
"
1,13,Stan,"Yeah. We'd better get this videotape over to Mr. Mackey, quick!
"
1,13,Bob Saget,"Just a free li'l reminder to all of you out there: send us your stupidest home videos. Grand prize for this month will be $10,000. 
"
1,13,Grampa,"Ten thousand dollars? Holy smokes.
"
1,13,Kyle,"Wow, I wish we had a stupidest home video. 
"
1,13,Chief Running Water,"...And Bear cried to Eagle-
"
1,13,Indian 1,"Running Water, there is some kid here to see you.
"
1,13,Chief Running Water,"What kid?
"
1,13,Indian 1,"He claims to be your kid.
"
1,13,Cartman,"Hiya, Dad!
"
1,13,Chief Running Water,"Who the hell are you?
"
1,13,Cartman,"I'm your son, Eric. My mom says you put your who-who-dilly in her cha-cha, at the Drunken Barn Dance.
"
1,13,Chief Running Water,"Your mother?
"
1,13,Cartman,"Liane Cartman.
"
1,13,Chief Running Water,"Cartman? Hohoho. Oh boy, I was worried there for a second.  Look, kid, I'm not your father.
"
1,13,Cartman,"But my mom says you're the guy she was with.
"
1,13,Chief Running Water,"Kid, I hate to break this to you, but your mother is what we Native Americans refer to as, 'Bear with Wiiide Canyon.'
"
1,13,Cartman,"Whatooya mean?
"
1,13,Chief Running Water,"She is, 'Doe who cannot keep legs together.'
"
1,13,Cartman,"Huh??
"
1,13,Chief Running Water,"Your mom's a slut 
"
1,13,Cartman,"Eeyy!!
"
1,13,Chief Running Water,"Don't feel too bad. Your mom was just too drunk to remember what happened. Let me tell you.  We got tired of dancing, so we went off to find a private spot.  I knew that she wanted me, because she kept saying romantic things.
"
1,13,Liane,"Oh, Chief. I want your hot man chowder.
"
1,13,Chief Running Water,"Whoa, Helloooh!! 
"
1,13,Liane,"Wait. Wait.  Who is that?  Chief... could you excuse me for a minute?
"
1,13,Chief Running Water,"Huh??  You gotta be kidding me.
"
1,13,Liane,"Why hello there. I don't think I've seen you around before. 
"
1,13,Chef,"Nawh. I'm new in town.
"
1,13,Liane,"Well, what's a nice, handsome, black  man like yourself doing in a pit like South Park?
"
1,13,Chef,"I'm gonna open up my own restaurant here.
"
1,13,Liane,"Mmmm-my, how exciting. Would you care to... put your tongue in my mouth?
"
1,13,Chef,"Daaamn, baby! You cut right to the chase, don't you?
"
1,13,Liane,"Ahah, I'm plastered! 
"
1,13,Cartman,"His tongue? Chef?? Chef is my dad??
"
1,13,Chief Running Water,"He's the last person I saw with your mom that night.
"
1,13,Cartman,"Oh my God! I'm a black African American!
"
1,13,Stan,"Come on, Kenny, get the go-cart going. I wanna ride it.
"
1,13,Kyle,"Did you send the videotape to America's Stupidest Home Videos?
"
1,13,Stan,"Yeah. I mailed it last night. What sucks is that now I'll have to actually watch that Bob Saget guy to find out if we won.
"
1,13,Kyle,"If we win, we can buy a new go-cart that actually runs.
"
1,13,Stan,"Shhh! Here comes Cartman.
"
1,13,Cartman,"'S up, homies? 
"
1,13,Stan,"Cartman?!
"
1,13,Cartman,"I was just down in the SPC kickin' it with some G's on the Westsa-eed-eh.
"
1,13,Kyle,"You live on the Eastside, Cartman!
"
1,13,Stan,"Dude, I thought you said you were Native American.
"
1,13,Cartman,"Weh hunh hrhrh hrh huh-right! Like I'm some hippie Indian.  You know what I'm sayin' G? Check you later-I'm gonna go chill with mide-my dad. 
"
1,13,Stan,"Dude. We should be videotaping this. We could make another $10,000.
"
1,13,Kenny,"(Guuyys! Could you please make it stoopp?!!)
"
1,13,"Stan, Kyle","Hold on, Kenny!
"
1,13,Kenny,"(Oof. Oh this Goddamned freakin'-  AARGH  Goddamn, why-  Oh this freakin'-  AARGH  Phew.  Well, I'm fine, guys!  Now if I can- 
"
1,13,Stan,"Oh my God, they've killed Kenny.
"
1,13,Kyle,"You bastards!
"
1,13,Chef,"Hello?
"
1,13,Cartman,"Yo, Pops!
"
1,13,Chef,"Boy, what the fudge are you doin'?
"
1,13,Cartman,"You know, jus'... layin' down some rhymes for G-folk, you know what I'm sayin'?
"
1,13,Chef,"Get in here! 
"
1,13,Cartman,"Westsa-eed-eh.
"
1,13,Chef,"Take that wig off!  What's gotten into you?!
"
1,13,Cartman,"You're my dad, Chef. Chief Running Water said - you got together with my mom at the Drunken Barn Dance.
"
1,13,Chef,"What?! Noh! Uh, did I?
"
1,13,Cartman,"He said you kissed her with your tongue.
"
1,13,Chef,"Ooooh-ho-ho-hoh hohohohoh, that's different. Women don't get pregnant from tongue-kissing, children.
"
1,13,Cartman,"Huho. So you're not my dad?
"
1,13,Chef,"Of course not. Here. You children sit down,  and let me explain somethin' to you about where babies come from. THEN, you'll see why I can't be your dad.
When a man loves a woman, and a woman loves a man,
Actually, sometimes a man doesn't love a woman, buut...he acts like he does, in order to get some action, heheh
The magic starts to happen, and the two take off their clothes, that's right
And they caress and touch each other, until the part of the man grows
Oooooooooo And they roll around and now things a-really startuh getting hot
And the man says ""I love you"" and the woman says ""hold on a second, I gotta go to the bathroom""
So you wait, and you wait, and you wait and you wait......and you wait, and you wait, and you waaaaiit
And you wait and you're coolin' down and she's still goin' to the bathroom
Finally she comes back, and she says, ""Baby, I'm gettin' hot!""
And that's when you gotta jam her butt and pump her full of...
"
1,13,Cartman,"What?! Who the hell did that to my mom at the Drunken Barn Dance?!
"
1,13,Chef,"Oh, children, that was a long time ago. But I'll tell you what I remember. 
"
1,13,Liane,"Whoa, Chef!  You're so strong!
"
1,13,Jimbo,"Hey, everybody, look who's here! The AFC Champion Denver Broncos! 
"
1,13,Bronco 1,"Are we late for the party?
"
1,13,Bronco 2,"What the hell town is this?
"
1,13,Liane,"Oooohh, Chef! Woooo, Chef!
"
1,13,Chef,"Damn, woman, what's gotten into you?!
"
1,13,Liane,"Woooh! Whooppee!!  Unhh! 
"
1,13,Chef,"Garrison! What the hell are you doing?!
"
1,13,Mr. Garrison,"You're drunk, Mr. Hat! 
"
1,13,Chef,"Ooooh, man! I'm outta here!
"
1,13,Liane,"Come on, Chef! Haven't you ever heard of a manage o'three?
"
1,13,Chef,"Yeah! When two women are involved. 
"
1,13,Mr. Garrison,"Damn, Damn, Damn!! Oh well, I guess it'll just have to be you and me, Ms. Cartman. 
"
1,13,Chef,"And that's... who she was with last! Mr. Garrison!
"
1,13,Cartman,"No! Noooooo! No, God, Nooo!
"
1,13,Announcer,"And now, back to America's Stupidest Home Videos-
"
1,13,Bob Saget,"Here's a video sent to us that shows a very disturbed little boy.
"
1,13,Cartman,"Why, thank you Polly Prissy Pants. You are my best friend. 
"
1,13,Polly,"I think you are one of the coolest people in the world, Eric. And you are not fat at all. 
"
1,13,Cartman,"Really? You don't think so?
"
1,13,Clyde,"Naw, you're not fat.
"
1,13,Cartman,"Gee, that's kewl. 
"
1,13,Sharon,"Aww, Stanley. We just heard the news that your little friend Kenny was killed by a train this morning.
"
1,13,Stan,"Huh?  Oh yeah.
"
1,13,Randy,"Is there-uh anything we can do for you, son?
"
1,13,Stan,"How 'bout some ice cream?
"
1,13,Kyle,"Yeah, with butterscotch. 
"
1,13,Sharon,"You bet, you poor dears.
"
1,13,Bob Saget,"Now, the moment you've all been waiting for, when one of our lucky videos qualifies for the $10,000 Grand Prize to be chosen tomorrow night! The winner is  Little Boy's Tea Party
"
1,13,Kyle,"Woohoo!
"
1,13,Stan,"Oh, yeah! We're gonna be in the finals!
"
1,13,Kyle,"We're gonna win $10,000! 
"
1,13,Stan,"Man! Cartman's gonna be famous! 
"
1,13,Mr. Garrison,"Well, I guess we should go, Mr. Hat.
"
1,13,Mr. Hat,"Oh, just one more Cosmopolitan, Mr. Garrison.
"
1,13,Mr. Garrison,"Mr. Hat, you need to admit you have a drinking problem!  Another Cosmo, please.
"
1,13,Cartman,"All this time! Why didn't you tell me, father?!
"
1,13,Mr. Garrison,"What the hell are you talking about, Eric?
"
1,13,Cartman,"It was you all along. You were with my mother the night of the Drunken Barn Dance!
"
1,13,Mr. Garrison,"Oh.
"
1,13,Jimbo,"Garrison? That's impossible. He's gay.
"
1,13,Mr. Garrison,"I am not gay!
"
1,13,Cartman,"Then you did sleep with my mom?
"
1,13,Mr. Garrison,"No!
"
1,13,Jimbo,"He's gay!!
"
1,13,Mr. Garrison,"Okay, Okay! I admit it! I might have made love to your mother at the Drunken Barn Dance! But who here didn't?!  Now come on, honestly. Who here has never had sex with Mrs. Cartman? 
"
1,13,Principa Victoria,"Oooooh.
"
1,13,Mayor,"Hmmm. 
"
1,13,Grizzled Man,"I haven't.
"
1,13,Mr. Garrison,"...You don't count, Halfy-you don't have any legs!
"
1,13,Halfy,"Oh. Yeah.
"
1,13,Mr. Garrison,"So you see, Eric, anyone here could be your father. I'm afraid you're never going to know. 
"
1,13,Jimbo,"Don't feel too bad there, kid. I never knew who my father was either. I mean, I did know who he was and well, we had some great times together in huntin' and fishin' whe-well, hell, you know what I mean. 
"
1,13,Mephesto,"Wait, wait.  I know a way to find out. 
"
1,13,Cartman,"How?
"
1,13,Mephesto,"At my laboratory. We can do DNA genetic testing. I'll take some of your blood along with the blood of everyone here, and we can determine who your father is.
"
1,13,Cartman,"Really? You can? 
"
1,13,Mephesto,"Yes, of course! I mean, that much testing will cost a pretty penny but...
"
1,13,Cartman,"How much?
"
1,13,Mephesto,"Three thousand should cover it.
"
1,13,Cartman,"I don't have $3000.
"
1,13,Mephesto,"Oh. Never mind.
"
1,13,Stan,"Dude! I can't wait to win that $10,000 on America's Stupidest Home Videos. I'm gonna buy the coolest go-cart ever.
"
1,13,Kyle,"I'm gonna buy a Walkman with my half.
"
1,13,Cartman,"Hi guys.
"
1,13,Stan,"How's it going, Cartman?
"
1,13,Cartman,"Oh, fine. How are you guys?
"
1,13,Kyle,"Dude. What the hell is wrong with you?
"
1,13,Cartman,"Ohh. Nothing. It's just... nothing.
"
1,13,Stan,"Come on, what's the matter, Cartman?
"
1,13,Cartman,"Well, I wanna know who my dad is, but... to find out they have to do these DNA tests, and they cost $3000 and... I don't have $3000.
"
1,13,Stan,"Wow. We're sorry your mom's a whore, dude.
"
1,13,Cartman,"Yeah, it sucks. I have to know who my father is, I just have to. Maybe I can work in a sweatshop for a while uh...  Well, see you guys. I'm gonna go stay in my backyard for a while.
"
1,13,Kyle,"Uuuh, Cartman. We know how you can get $3000.
"
1,13,Cartman,"You do?
"
1,13,Stan,"Yyeah. We have a videotape that's in the finals for America's Stupidest Home Videos, and... if we win, we'll give you - 3000 of out $10,000 prize.
"
1,13,Cartman,"You will? Wow, you guys are the best! Thank you guys!
"
1,13,Stan,"Uh, yyeah.
"
1,13,Announcer,"And now, back to America's Stupidest Home Videos-
"
1,13,Cartman,"What kind of video did you guys make?
"
1,13,Stan,"Uuh, you'll see.
"
1,13,Bob Saget,"Well, it's time to crown the $10,000 winner. Our judges have norrowed it down to only three videos-first it's... ""Dog Who Puts Hat On Master's Head.""
"
1,13,Falsetto,"Oh, I'm a little dog. I'm just a little dog.  Hahaha.  Hold on, I've got to put a hat on my master's head,  hehehahahuh. 
"
1,13,Bob Saget,"And now our second finalist, ""Little Boy Has A Tea Party."" 
"
1,13,Cartman,"Why, thank you Polly Prissy Pants. You are my best friend.
"
1,13,Polly,"Oh, thank you, Eric. 
"
1,13,Bob Saget,"Boy! Looks like this kid needs some therapy! Heheheheheh, heheheh.
"
1,13,Stan,"We're sure to win, Cartman. Then you get your DNA money! 
"
1,13,Cartman,"I... am... so... pissed... off... right... now.
"
1,13,Kyle,"They laughed hardest at our video. We're gonna win!  We're gonna win!
"
1,13,Bob Saget,"And finally our third contestant, ""Young Child Gets Hit By A Train.""
"
1,13,Falsetto,"Oh, I'm such a cute little kid.  Hmmm, I wonder if I can get this go-cart started.  Oh! I hope I don't get hit by a train.  Ooooh, I sure did. 
"
1,13,Stan,"Oh my God, they videotaped killing Kenny!
"
1,13,Kyle,"You bastards!
"
1,13,Bob Saget,"Now, that's what I call a joyride. Heeheeheeh.  And the winner is, naturally, ""Little Boy Being Hit By A Train,""  Nnnnhnnnhnnnh. 
"
1,13,Stan,"Dude. We lost.
"
1,13,Kyle,"Dammit!
"
1,13,Cartman,"I am going to fucking kill you guys, seriously. 
"
1,13,Bob Saget,"Stand up and take a bow, Mr. Marsh.
"
1,13,Grampa,"I won! I won! 
"
1,13,Stan,"Grampa!! 
"
1,13,Bob Saget,"Our other finalists will have to settle for their $3000 runner-up prizes-well, see you next time. 
"
1,13,Kyle,"Did you hear that, dude? We still get $3000. That's enough for you to do your DNA test.
"
1,13,Cartman,"Kill... you... guys! Kill you guys!!
"
1,13,Mephesto,"All right. From everyone's accounts, I've narrowed down Eric's possible father... to the people in this room: Officer Barbrady, Chef , Jimbo , Mr. Garrison , Ned, Chief Running Water, Gerald Broflovski , myself, my friend Kevin , or, the 1989 Denver Broncos.
"
1,13,Stan,"Wow. I always knew Cartman's mom was a slut, but Goddamn!
"
1,13,Mephesto,"The test results are in this envelope.  Shall I... open it?
"
1,13,Mr. Garrison,"Yes! For God's sake, get on with it!
"
1,13,Mephesto,"Erhum ehrum uh  The father of Eric Cartman is indeed, someone in this room. The father is-
"
1,13,Announcer,"Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it - Chief Running Water?  Or is it - Chef? Is it Mephesto?  Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison?
"
1,13,Jimbo,"Nope. He's gay.
"
1,13,Mr. Garrison,"You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
"
1,13,Announcer,"Is it Jimbo?
"
1,13,Jimbo,"Daaagh!
"
1,13,Announcer,"Or is Officer Barbrady?
"
1,13,Officer Barbrady,"Huh?! Where?!
"
1,13,Announcer,"Or could it be Ned?
"
1,13,Ned,"Could be.
"
1,13,Announcer,"Or Mr. Broflovski??
"
1,13,Kyle,"Dad, how could you?!
"
1,13,Announcer,"Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming on an all-new South Park, in just four weeks.
"
1,13,Cartman,"What?!  Son of a bitch!
"