Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane Monica: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with! Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him! Chandler: All right Joey, be nice.  So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece? Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk? Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh! Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex. Chandler: Sounds like a date to me. Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked. All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream. Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there. Joey: Instead of...? Chandler: That's right. Joey: Never had that dream. Phoebe: No. Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me. Monica: And they weren't looking at you before?! Chandler: Finally, I figure I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me! Ross: Hi. Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself. Monica: Are you okay, sweetie? Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck... Chandler: Cookie? Monica: Carol moved her stuff out today. Joey: Ohh. Monica: Let me get you some coffee. Ross: Thanks. Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! Ross: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay? Phoebe: Fine!  Be murky! Ross: I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy. Monica: No you don't. Ross: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me! Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian... Ross: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know? Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... Did I say that out loud? Ross: I told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well. Monica: Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., "I'll never have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren." was what?  A wrong number? Ross: Sorry. Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is? Joey: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones! Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again! Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! Monica: Rachel?! Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are! Waitress: Can I get you some coffee? Monica: This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross? Rachel: Hi, sure! Ross: Hi. Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids? Rachel: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city. Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding. Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue... Monica: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it. Chandler: Tuna or egg salad?  Decide! Ross: I'll have whatever Christine is having. Rachel: Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me! Phoebe:  If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off. Chandler: Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants. Joey: I say push her down the stairs. Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey:  Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy! Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble. Rachel: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica. Monica: Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica... Rachel: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!! Monica: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think of nice calm things... Phoebe: bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens... La la la la...something and noodles with string.  These are a few... Rachel: I'm all better now. Phoebe: I helped! Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for the best, y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life.  The whole, 'hat' thing. Joey: And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot. Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day! Joey: What, like there's a rule or something? Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound. Paul: It's, uh, it's Paul. Monica: Oh God, is it 6:30?  Buzz him in! Joey: Who's Paul? Ross: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul? Monica: Maybe. Joey: Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy? Ross: He finally asked you out? Monica: Yes! Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment. Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel... Rachel: Please, no, go, that'd be fine! Monica: Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay? Ross: That'd be good... Monica: Really? Ross: No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy! Phoebe: What does that mean?   Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot? Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. ... everybody, everybody, this is Paul. All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey! Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it? Monica: Okay, umm-umm, I'll just--I'll be right back, I just gotta go ah, go ah... Ross: A wandering? Monica: Change!  Okay, sit down. Two seconds. Phoebe: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good. Joey:  Hey, Paul! Paul: Yeah? Joey: Here's a little tip, she really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it starts to get a little red. Monica: Shut up, Joey! Ross: So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up to tonight? Rachel: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing! Ross: Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your- -big lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture. Chandler: Yes, and we're very excited about it. Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight.  It's been kinda a long day. Ross: Okay, sure. Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help? Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to. Commercial Break Phoebe: La-la-la-la...ohhh! Ross: I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs. Joey: I'm thinking we've got a bookcase here. Chandler: It's a beautiful thing. Joey: What's this? Chandler: I would have to say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket. Joey: Which goes where? Chandler: I have no idea. Joey: Done with the bookcase! Chandler: All finished! Ross: This was Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known. Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're gonna start with that stuff we're outta here. Chandler: Yes, please don't spoil all this fun. Joey: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get? Ross: You guys. Chandler: Oh, God. Joey: You got screwed. Chandler: Oh my God! Monica: Oh my God! Paul: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get? Monica: My brother's going through that right now, he's such a mess. How did you get through it? Paul: Well, you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers, say her- Monica: -leg? Paul: That's one way! Me, I- I went for the watch. Monica: You actually broke her watch?  Wow!  The worst thing I ever did was, I-I shredded by boyfriend's favorite bath towel. Paul: Ooh, steer clear of you. Monica: That's right. Rachel: Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju- Ross: I'm divorced!  I'm only 26 and I'm divorced! Joey: Shut up! Chandler: You must stop! Ross: That only took me an hour. Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento.   You, however have had the love of a woman for four years.   Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it!  I don't think that was my point! Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I mean what if you get one woman- and that's it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her... Joey: What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon! Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny. Chandler: Stay out of my freezer! Paul: Ever since she walked out on me, I, uh... Monica: What?..... What, you wanna spell it out with noodles? Paul: No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda revelation. Monica: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date? Paul: Isn't there? Monica: Yeah... yeah, I think there is. -What were you gonna say? Paul: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um, I haven't been able to, uh, perform. ...Sexually. Monica: Oh God, oh God, I am sorry... I am so sorry... Paul: It's okay... Monica: I know being spit on is probably not what you need right now. Um... how long? Paul: Two years. Monica: Wow! I'm-I'm-I'm glad you smashed her watch! Paul: So you still think you, um... might want that fifth date? Monica: ...Yeah. Yeah, I do. Priest on TV: We are gathered here today to join Joanne Louise Cunningham and Charles, Chachi-Chachi-Chachi, Arcola in the bound of holy matrimony. Rachel: Oh...see... but Joanne loved Chachi! That's the difference! Ross: Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you? Joey: Great story!  But, I uh, I gotta go, I got a date with Andrea--Angela--Andrea...  Oh man, Chandler: Angela's the screamer, Andrea has cats. Joey: Right.  Thanks.  It's June.  I'm outta here. Ross: Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask? Commercial Break Rachel: Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life. Chandler: That is amazing. Joey: Congratulations. Rachel: Y'know, I figure if I can make coffee, there isn't anything I can't do. Chandler: If can invade Poland, there isn't anything I can't do. Joey: Listen, while you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelet or something... Although actually I'm really not that hungry... Monica: Oh good, Lenny and Squigy are here. All: Morning. Good morning. Paul: Morning. Joey: Morning, Paul. Rachel: Hello, Paul. Chandler: Hi, Paul, is it? Paul: Thank you!  Thank you so much! Monica: Stop! Paul: No, I'm telling you last night was like umm, all my birthdays, both graduations, plus the barn raising scene in Witness. Monica: We'll talk later. Paul: Yeah. Joey: That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you do on a real date? Monica: Shut up, and put my table back. All: Okayyy! Chandler: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much of a difference... Rachel: So, like, you guys all have jobs? Monica: Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we buy stuff. Joey: Yeah, I'm an actor. Rachel: Wow! Would I have seen you in anything? Joey: I doubt it. Mostly regional work. Monica: Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio, at the little theater in the park. Joey: Look, it was a job all right? Chandler: 'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.' Joey: I will not take this abuse. Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry. "Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy..." Joey: You should both know, that he's a dead man.  Oh, Chandler? Monica: So how you doing today? Did you sleep okay? Talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling. Rachel: I can see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth. Monica: I know, he's just so, so... Do you remember you and Tony DeMarco? Rachel: Oh, yeah. Monica: Well, it's like that. With feelings. Rachel: Oh wow. Are you in trouble. Monica: Big time! Rachel: Want a wedding dress?   Hardly used. Monica: I think we are getting a little ahead of selves here. Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up, go to work and not think about him all day. Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work. Rachel: Oh, look, wish me luck! Monica: What for? Rachel: I'm gonna go get one of those job things. Frannie: Hey, Monica! Monica: Hey Frannie, welcome back! How was Florida? Frannie: You had sex, didn't you? Monica: How do you do that? Frannie: Oh, I hate you, I'm pushing my Aunt Roz through Parrot Jungle and you're having sex!  So? Who? Monica: You know Paul? Frannie: Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Paul. Monica: You mean you know Paul like I know Paul? Frannie: Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. Y'know before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years. Joey: Of course it was a line! Monica: Why?! Why? Why, why would anybody do something like that? Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you into bed'. Monica: I hate men!  I hate men! Phoebe: Oh no, don't hate, you don't want to put that out into the universe. Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear? Phoebe: All right, c'mere, gimme your feet. Monica: I just thought he was nice, y'know? Joey: I can't believe you didn't know it was a line! Rachel: Guess what? Ross: You got a job? Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today. Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat. Rachel: You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, fifty percent off! Chandler: Oh, how well you know me... Rachel: They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got great boots' boots! Monica: How'd you pay for them? Rachel: Uh, credit card. Monica: And who pays for that? Rachel: Um... my... father. Rachel: Oh God, come on you guys, is this really necessary?  I mean, I can stop charging anytime I want. Monica: C'mon, you can't live off your parents your whole life. Rachel: I know that. That's why I was getting married. Phoebe: Give her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time. Rachel: Thank you. Phoebe: You're welcome. I remember when I first came to this city. I was fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my step-dad was back in prison, and I got here, and I didn't know anybody. And I ended up living with this albino guy who was, like, cleaning windshields outside port authority, and then he killed himself, and then I found aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how you feel. Ross: The word you're looking for is 'Anyway'... Monica: All right, you ready? Rachel: No.  No, no, I'm not ready!  How can I be ready?  "Hey, Rach!  You ready to jump out the airplane without your parachute?"  Come on, I can't do this! Monica: You can, I know you can! Rachel: I don't think so. Ross: Come on, you made coffee!   You can do anything! Ross: C'mon, cut. Cut, cut, cut,... All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut... Rachel: Y'know what?  I think we can just leave it at that.  It's kinda like a symbolic gesture... Monica:  Rachel!  That was a library card! All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.. Chandler: Y'know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream. Monica: Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're gonna love it! Monica: Well, that's it You gonna crash on the couch? Ross: No. No, I gotta go home sometime. Monica: You be okay? Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Hey Mon, look what I just found on the floor. What? Monica: That's Paul's watch. You just put it back where you found it. Oh boy. Alright. Goodnight, everybody. Ross and Rachel: Goodnight. Ross: Mmm. Oh, no- Rachel: Sorry- Ross: No no no, go- Rachel: No, you have it, really, I don't want it- Ross: Split it? Rachel: Okay. Ross: Okay. You know you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you. Rachel: I knew. Ross: You did! Oh.... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother. Rachel: I did. Ross: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here- but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe? Rachel: Yeah, maybe... Ross: Okay... okay, maybe I will... Rachel: Goodnight. Ross: Goodnight. Monica: See ya.... Waitwait, what's with you? Ross: I just grabbed a spoon. Closing Credits Joey: I can't believe what I'm hearing here. Phoebe: I can't believe what I'm hearing here... Monica: What? I-I said you had a- Phoebe: What I said you had... Monica: Would you stop? Phoebe: Oh, was I doing it again? All: Yes! Monica: I said that you had a nice butt, it's just not a great butt. Joey: Oh, you wouldn't know a great butt if it came up and bit ya. Ross: There's an image. Rachel: Would anybody like more coffee? Chandler: Did you make it, or are you just serving it? Rachel: I'm just serving it. All: Yeah. Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee. Chandler: Kids, new dream... I'm in Las Vegas. Customer: Ahh, miss?   More coffee? Rachel: Ugh. Sorry.  Okay, Las Vegas. Chandler: Okay, so, I'm in Las Vegas... I'm Liza Minelli- End Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it. Joey: Yeah, right!.......Y'serious? Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss. Monica: Absolutely. Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out. Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket. Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake. Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone. Joey: ....Are we still talking about sex? Opening Credits Ross: No, it's good, it is good, it's just that- mm- doesn't she seem a little angry? Marsha: Well, she has issues. Ross: Does she. Marsha: He's out banging other women over the head with a club, while she sits at home trying to get the mastodon smell out of the carpet! Ross: Marsha, these are cave people. Okay? They have issues like 'Gee, that glacier's getting kinda close.' See? Marsha: Speaking of issues, isn't that your ex-wife? Ross: No. No. Marsha: Yes, it is. Carol! Hi! Ross: Okay, okay, yes, it is. How about I'll, uh, catch up with you in the Ice Age. Ross:Hi. Carol: So. Ross: You look great. I, uh... I hate that. Carol: Sorry. You look good too. Ross: Ah, well, in here, anyone who... stands erect... So what's new? Still, uh... Carol: A lesbian? Ross: Well... you never know. How's, um.. how's the family? Carol: Marty's still totally paranoid. Oh, and, uh- Ross: Why- why are you here, Carol? Carol: I'm pregnant. Ross: Pregnant?! Chandler: Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding. Phoebe:...Then I've already seen this one! Monica: Are you through with that? Joey: Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me down. Monica: Whose little ball of paper is this?! Chandler: Oh, uh, that would be mine. See, I wrote a note to myself, and then I realised I didn't need it, so I balled it up and... ...now I wish I was dead. Phoebe: She's already fluffed that pillow... Monica, you know, you've already fluffed that- -but, it's fine! Monica: Look , I'm sorry, guys, I just don't wanna give them any more ammunition than they already have. Chandler: Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a child's pillow. Phoebe: Monica- Hi! Um, Monica, you're scaring me. I mean, you're like, you're like all chaotic and twirly. And not-not in a good way. Joey: Yeah, calm down. You don't see Ross getting all chaotic and twirly every time they come. Monica: That's because as far as my parents are concerned, Ross can do no wrong. Y'see, he's the Prince. Apparently they had some big ceremony before I was born. Chandler: Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew! Monica: What? Chandler: Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster! All: Eeaagh! Rachel: Has anybody seen my engagement ring? Phoebe: Yeah, it's beautiful. Rachel: Oh God, oh God, oh God oh God oh God oh God.... Phoebe: No, look, don't touch that! Rachel: Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow enough, having to give it back to him... 'Hi Barry! Remember me? I'm the girl in the veil who stomped on your heart in front of your entire family!' Oh God and now I'm gonna have to return the ring, without the ring, which makes it so much harder... Monica: Easy Rach, we'll find it. Won't we! Chandler and Joey: Oh! Yeah! Joey: Alright, when'd'ya have it on last? Phoebe: Doy! Probably right before she lost it! Chandler: You don't get a lot of 'doy' these days... Rachel: I know I had it this morning, and I know I had it when I was in the kitchen with... Chandler: ...Dinah? Rachel: Ohhhhh, don't be mad... Monica: You didn't. Rachel: Oh, I am sorry... Monica: I gave you one job! Rachel: Oh, but look how straight those noodles are! Chandler: Now, Monica, you know that's not how you look for an engagement ring in a lasagne... Monica: I just... can't do it. Chandler: Boys? We're going in. Ross: .....Hi. Monica: Wow. That is not a happy hi. Ross: Carol's pregnant. Phoebe: Ooh! I found it! Monica: W-w-wh-... wha-... w-w-w-... Ross: Yeah. Do that for another two hours, you might be where I am right about now. Chandler: Kinda puts that whole pillow thing in perspective, huh, Mon? Rachel: Well now, how-how do you fit into this whole thing? Ross: Well, Carol says she and Susan want me to be involved, but if I'm not comfortable with it, I don't have to be involved.. basically it's entirely up to me. Phoebe: She is so great! I miss her. Monica: What does she mean by 'involved'? Chandler: I mean presumably, the biggest part of your job is done. Ross: Anyway, they want me to go down to this- sonogram thing with them tomorrow. Rachel: So what are you gonna do? Ross: I have no idea. No matter what I do, though, I'm still gonna be a father. Joey: .....Well, this is still ruined, right? Mrs. Geller: Oh, Martha Ludwin's daughter is gonna call you. Mmm! What's that curry taste? Monica: Curry. Mrs. Geller: Mmmm! Ross: I- I think they're great! I, I really do. Mr. Geller: Do you remember the Ludwins? The big one had a thing for you, didn't she? Mrs. Geller: They all had a thing for him. Ross: Aw, Mom... Monica: I'm sorry, why is this girl going to call me? Mrs. Geller: Oh, she just graduated, and she wants to be something in cooking, or food, or.... I don't know. Anyway, I told her you had a restaurant- Monica: No Mom, I don't have a restaurant, I work in a restaurant. Mrs. Geller: Well, they don't have to know that... Monica: Ross, could you come and help me with the spaghetti, please? Ross: Yeah. Mrs. Geller: Oh, we're having spaghetti! That's.... easy. Monica: I know this is going to sound unbelievably selfish, but, were you planning on bringing up the whole baby/lesbian thing? Because I think it might take some of the heat off me. Mrs. Geller: What that Rachel did to her life.... We ran into her parents at the club, they were not playing very well. Mr. Geller: I'm not gonna tell you what they spent on that wedding... but forty thousand dollars is a lot of money! Mrs. Geller: Well, at least she had the chance to leave a man at the altar... Monica: What's that supposed to mean? Mrs. Geller: Nothing! It's an expression. Monica: No it's not. Mr. Geller: Don't listen to your mother. You're independent, and you always have been! Even when you were a kid... and you were chubby, and you had no friends, you were just fine! And you would read alone in your room, and your puzzles... Mr. Geller: Look, there are people like Ross who need to shoot for the stars, with his museum, and his papers getting published. Other people are satisfied with staying where they are- I'm telling you, these are the people who never get cancer. Mr. Geller: ...And I read about these women trying to have it all, and I thank God 'Our Little Harmonica' doesn't seem to have that problem. Monica: No news, no little anecdotes to share with the folks? Ross: Look, I, uh- I realise you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby. Mrs. Geller: And you knew about this?! Commercial Break Joey: Your folks are really that bad, huh? Ross: Well, y'know, these people are pros. They know what they're doing, they take their time, they get the job done. Monica: Boy, I know they say you can't change your parents,... boy, if you could- -I'd want yours. Ross: Must pee. Phoebe: Y'know, it's even worse when you're twins. Rachel: You're twins? Phoebe: Yeah. We don't speak. She's like this high-powered, driven career type. Chandler: What does she do? Phoebe: She's a waitress. Rachel: All right, you guys, I kinda gotta clean up now. Monica: Chandler, you're an only child, right? You don't have any of this. Chandler: Well, no, although I did have an imaginary friend, who... my parents actually preferred. Rachel: The lights, please.. Ross: ...How long was I in there? Rachel: I'm just cleaning up. Ross: D'ya.. uh.. d'ya need any help? Rachel: Uh.. okay, sure! Thanks! Ross: Anyway.. um.. So, you- uh- you nervous about Barry tomorrow? Rachel: Oh.. a little.. Ross: Mm-hmm.. Rachel: A lot. Ross: Mm. Rachel: So, got any advice? Y'know, as someone who's recently been- dumped? Ross: Well, you may wanna steer clear of the word 'dumped'. Chances are he's gonna be this, this broken shell of a man, y'know, so you should try not to look too terrific, I know it'll be hard. Or, y'know, uh, hey!, I'll go down there, and I'll give Barry back his ring, and you can go with Carol and Susan to the OB/GYN... Rachel: Oh, you've got Carol tomorrow.. When did it get so complicated? Ross: Got me. Rachel: Remember when we were in high school together? Ross: Yeah. Rachel: I mean, didn't you think you were just gonna meet somone, fall in love- and that'd be it? ..Ross? Ross: Yes, yes! Rachel: Oh! Man, I never thought I'd be here.. Ross: Me either... Ross: Sorry I'm late, I was stuck at work. There was this big dinosaur.. thing.. anyway. Susan: Hi. Carol: Ross, you remember Susan. Ross: How could I forget? Susan: Ross. Ross: Good shake. Good shake. So, uh, we're just waiting for...? Carol: Dr. Oberman. Ross: ..Dr. Oberman. Okay. And is he- Susan: She. Ross: -she, of course, she- uh- familiar with our.. special situation? Carol: Yes, and she's very supportive. Ross: Okay, that's great. No, I'm- Oh.  Carol: Thanks. Ross: Quack, quack.. Carol: Ross? That opens my cervix. Rachel: Barry? Barry: C'mon in. Rachel: Are you sure? Barry: Yeah! It's fine, it's fine. Robbie's gonna be here for hours. Robbie: Huh?! Barry: So, how ya doin? Rachel: I'm- uh- I'm okay... You look great! Barry: Yeah, well.. Bernice: Dr. Farber, Jason Greenstein's gagging. Barry: Be back in a sec. Rachel: I dumped him. Robbie: Okay. Ross: So, um- so how's this, uh, how's this gonna work? Y'know, with us? Y'know, when, like, important decisions have to be made? Carol: Give me a 'for instance'. Ross: Well, uh, uh, I don't know, okay, okay, how about with the, uh, with the baby's name? Carol: Marlon- Ross: Marlon?! Carol: -if it's a boy, Minnie if it's a girl. Ross: ...As in Mouse? Carol: As in my grandmother. Ross: Still, you- you say Minnie, you hear Mouse. Um, how about, um.. how about Julia? Carol: Julia.. Susan: We agreed on Minnie. Ross: 'S'funny, um, uh, we agreed we'd spend the rest of our lives together. Things change, roll with the punches. I believe Julia's on the table..? Barry: Sorry about that. So. What have you been up to? Rachel: Oh, not much. I-I got a job. Barry: Oh, that's great. Rachel: Why are- why are you so tanned? Barry: Oh, I, uh- I went to Aruba. Rachel: Oh no. You went on our honeymoon alone? Barry: No. I went with, uh.. Now, this may hurt. Robbie: Me?! Barry: No! I went with Mindy. Rachel: Mindy?! My maid of honour, Mindy?! Barry: Yeah, well, uh, we're kind of a thing now. Rachel: Oh! Well, um.. You've got plugs! Barry: Careful! They haven't quite taken yet. Rachel: And you've got lenses! But you hate sticking your finger in your eye! Barry: Not for her. Listen, I really wanted to thank you. Rachel: Okay.. Barry: See, about a month ago, I wanted to hurt you. More than I've ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life. And I'm an orthodontist. Rachel: Wow. Barry: You know, you were right? I mean, I thought we were happy. We weren't happy. But with Mindy, now I'm happy. Spit. Rachel: What? Robbie: Me. Rachel: Anyway, um, I guess this belongs to you. And thank you for giving it to me. Barry: Well, thank you for giving it back. Robbie: Hello?! Susan: Oh, please! What's wrong with Helen? Ross: Helen Geller? I don't think so. Carol: Hello? It's not gonna be Helen Geller. Ross: Thank you! Carol: No, I mean it's not Geller. Ross: What, it's gonna be Helen Willick? Carol: No, actually, um, we talked about Helen Willick-Bunch. Ross: Well, wait a minute, wha- why is she in the title? Susan: It's my baby too. Ross: Oh, 's'funny, really? Um, I don't remember you making any sperm. Susan: Yeah, and we all know what a challenge that is! Carol: All right, you two, stop it! Ross: No no no, she gets a credit, hey, I'm in there too. Carol: Ross. You're not actually suggesting Helen Willick-Bunch-Geller? 'Cause I think that borders on child abuse. Ross: Of course not, I'm... suggesting Geller-Willick-Bunch. Susan: Oh, no, nonononono, you see what he's doing? He knows no-one's gonna say all those names, so they'll wind up calling her Geller, then he gets his way! Ross: My way?! You-you think this is my way? Believe me, of all the ways I ever imagined this moment in my life being, this is not my way- y'know what? Uh, um, this is too hard. I'm not, I can't do- Dr. Oberman: Knock knock!How are we today? Any nausea? All: Yeah. Yeah. A little. Dr. Oberman: Well, I was just wondering about the mother-to-be, but.. thanks for sharing. Uh, lie back.. Ross: You- uh- y'know what, I'm gonna go. I don't- I don't think I can be involved in this particular thing right now. Ross: Oh my God. Susan: Look at that. Carol: I know. Closing Credits Ross: Well? Isn't that amazing? Joey: What are we supposed to be seeing here? Chandler: I dunno, but.. I think it's about to attack the Enterprise. Phoebe: You know, if you tilt your head to the left, and relax your eyes, it kinda looks like an old potato. Ross: Then don't do that, alright? Phoebe: Okay! Ross: Monica. Whaddya think? Monica: Mm-hmm. Ross: Wh- are you welling up? Monica: No. Ross: You are, you're welling up. Monica: Am not! Ross: You're gonna be an aunt. Monica: Oh shut up! Rachel: Okay, I know it was a cheap shot, but I feel so much better now. End Phoebe: Hi guys! All: Hey, Pheebs! Hi! Ross: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go? Phoebe: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said 'We should do this again!' All: Ohh. Ouch. Rachel: What? He said 'we should do it again', that's good, right? Monica: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means 'You will never see me naked'. Rachel: Since when? Joey: Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know, like 'It's not you' means 'It is you'. Chandler: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you'. Phoebe: Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'. Rachel: And everybody knows this? Joey: Yeah. Cushions the blow. Chandler: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm. Ross: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm. Monica: Uh, Ross. Ross: What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi! Opening Credits Chandler: "So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?" Joey: "Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die." Chandler: Hey, that was really good! Joey: Thanks! Let's keep going. Chandler: Okay. "So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?" Joey: "I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell, I can smoke." Chandler: "Smoke away." Chandler: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone. Joey: What? Chandler: Relax your hand! Chandler: Not so much! Joey: Whoah! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Alright, now try taking a puff. Chandler: Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me. Joey: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette. Chandler: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here. Chandler: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete. Joey: Y'miss it? Chandler: Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. Monica: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger. Joey: That's ridiculous! Ross: Can I use.. either thumb? Rachel: Decaf cappucino for Joey.. Coffee black.. Late.. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this! All: Yeah. Yeah, excellent. Rachel: Good for me! Joey: Y'okay, Phoebe? Phoebe: Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my bank. Monica: What did they do to you? Phoebe: It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT- Ross: Easy. Phoebe: - and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account. Chandler: Oh, Satan's minions at work again... Phoebe: Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them. Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it! Phoebe: It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing. Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping! Phoebe: Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- 'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'... Monica: We're with you. We got it. Phoebe: Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt. Rachel: Chandler, what are you doing? Monica: Hey. Whaddya doing? All: Oh! Oh, God! Ross: What is this?! Chandler: I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking. Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years! Chandler: And this- is my reward! Ross: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit. Chandler: Okay, so this time I won't quit! All: Ohhh! Put it out! Chandler: All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out. Phoebe: Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now! Monica: Alright. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date. Rachel: This Alan again? How's it goin'? Monica: 'S'going pretty good, y'know? It's nice, and, we're having fun. Joey: So when do we get to meet the guy? Monica: Let's see, today's Monday... Never. All: Oh, come on! Come on! Monica: No. Not after what happened with Steve. Chandler: What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry. Monica: Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out. Rachel: Well, then can we meet him? Monica: Nope. Schhorry. Monica: I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they're all over him. I mean, they're like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd. Paula: Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they're your friends, they're just looking out after you. Monica: I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy home that they actually liked. Paula: Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy.. Joey: Let it go, Ross. Ross: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi. Monica: Do you all promise? All: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good! Monica: Chandler? Do you promise to be good? Joey: You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside! Ross: Hey, Pheebs. Phoebe: 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- -football phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone! Rachel: What bank is this? Monica: Hey. It's him. Who is it? Alan: It's Alan. Joey: Chandler! He's here! Monica: Okay, please be good, please. Just remember how much you all like me. Monica: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan. Alan: Hi. All: Hi, Alan. Alan: I've heard schho much about all you guyschh! Monica: Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm? Monica: C'mon! Ross: ...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him. All: Loved him! Yeah! He's great! Monica: Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out with? All: Yeah! Rachel: And did you notice...? The Guys: Yeah. Joey: Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked. Phoebe: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe! Ross: ...What shoe? Phoebe: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...' Ross: ...So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured. Rachel: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y'know, it. Monica: Really! Chandler: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? Ross: You know what I like most about him, though? All: What? Ross: The way he makes me feel about myself. All: Yeah... Commercial Break Monica: Hi.. how was the game? Ross: Well.. All: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes! Monica: Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible? Joey: Alan. Ross: He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-... Rachel: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team. Chandler: Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball.. Monica: Can I ask you guys a question? D'you ever think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes.. Ross: What? Monica: ..I dunno, a little too Alan? Rachel: Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan. Ross: Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore. Chandler: I personally could have a gallon of Alan. Phoebe: Hey, Lizzie. Lizzie: Hey, Weird Girl. Phoebe: I brought you alphabet soup. Lizzie: Did you pick out the vowels? Phoebe: Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, y'know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you. Lizzie: Saltines? Phoebe: No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone? Lizzie: What? Oh my God, there's really money in here. Phoebe: I know. Lizzie: Weird Girl, what are you doing? Phoebe: No, I want you to have it. I don't want it. Lizzie: No, no, I ha-I have to give you something. Phoebe: Oh, that's fine, no. Lizzie: Would you like my tin-foil hat? Phoebe: No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks. Lizzie: Please, let me do something. Phoebe: Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we're even. Okay? Lizzie: Okay. Phoebe: Okay. Lizzie: Keep the change. Sure you don't wanna pretzel? Phoebe: No, I'm fine. Lizzie: See ya. Phoebe: Huh! Ross: A thumb?! All: Eww! Phoebe: I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker! Chandler: Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect all five? Phoebe: Does, um, anyone wanna see? All: Nooo! All: Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out! Rachel: It's worse than the thumb! Chandler: Hey, this is so unfair! Monica: Oh, why is it unfair? Chandler: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this? Joey: ...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody? Rachel: Well, I-I could live without it. Joey: Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair? Ross: Oh, now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, I think it's endearing. Joey: Oh, "you do, do you"? Ross: You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly. Rachel: "Indeed there isn't"... I should really get back to work. Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered. Rachel: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on. Monica: Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like? Paula: No. Monica: Okay.. Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like. Paula: Waitwait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got through! Monica: Can you believe it? ...Y'know what? I just don't feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing. Paula: Honey.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that's how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him! Monica: I know.. it's gonna be really hard. Paula: Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it. Monica: No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about. Joey: Do you have any respect for your body? Ross: Don't you realise what you're-you're doing to yourself? Chandler: Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it. Rachel: Chandler? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you. Chandler: Really? He does? Rachel: God, he's good. Ross: If only he were a woman. Rachel: Yeah. Chandler: Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too. Ross: Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch. Monica: Hey. Where's Joey? Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong? Rachel: I think he's across the hall. Monica: Thanks. Ross: There y'go. Chandler: Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now. Ross: Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs? Phoebe: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart? Ross: Hey, I might! Phoebe: Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb. All: You're kidding. Oh my God. Phoebe: And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?! Joey: What's going on? Monica: Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together. Joey: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear.. Rachel: Uh, Joey.. Joey: Oh, God! Monica: Okay.. All: Oh! That was Lambchop! Monica: Please, guys, we have to talk. Phoebe: Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...no, I'm not. Monica: Alright, we have to talk. Phoebe: There it is! Monica: Okay. It's-it's about Alan. There's something that you should know. I mean, there's really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I've decided to break up with Alan. Ross: Is there somebody else? Monica: No, nononono.. it's just.. things change. People change. Rachel: We didn't change.. Joey: So that's it? It's over? Just like that? Phoebe: You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I- Monica: Look, I- I could go on pretending- Joey: Okay! Monica: -but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan- It wouldn't be fair to you! Ross: Who-who wants fair? Y'know, I just want things back. Y'know, the way they were. Monica: I'm sorry.. Chandler: Oh, she's sorry! I feel better! Rachel: I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family- Monica: I'll meet somone else. There'll be other Alans. All: Oh, yeah! Right! Monica: Are you guys gonna be okay? Ross: Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a little time. Monica: I understand. Alan: Wow. Monica: I'm, I'm really sorry. Alan: Yeah, I'm sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved. Monica: Relieved? Alan: Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.. I just can't stand your friends. Closing Credits Rachel: Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun. Ross: Yeah. He could row like a viking. Monica: Hi. All: Mmm. Ross: So how'd it go? Monica: Oh, y'know.. Phoebe: Did he mention us? Monica: He said he's really gonna miss you guys. Ross: You had a rough day, huh.. c'mere. Chandler: ...That's it. I'm getting cigarettes. All: No no no! Chandler: I don't care, I don't care! Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke! Phoebe: If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars! Chandler: Yeah, alright. End Monica: Alright. Phoebe? Phoebe: Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest...And bigger boobs! Ross: Yeah, see.. you took mine. Chandler, what about you? Chandler: Uh, if I were omnipotent for a day, I'd.. make myself omnipotent forever. Rachel: See, there's always one guy. All: Hey Joey. Hi. Hey, buddy. Monica: Hey, Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent? Joey: Probably kill myself! Monica: ..Excuse me? Joey: Hey, if Little Joey's dead, then I got no reason to live! Ross: Joey, uh- OMnipotent. Joey: You are? Ross, I'm sorry.. Opening Credits Monica: How does she do that? Ross: I cannot sleep in a public place. Monica: Would you look at her? She is so peaceful. Phoebe: Oh! What what what! ...Hi. Ross: It's okay, y'know, you just nodded off again. Monica: What's going on with you? Phoebe: I got no sleep last night! Ross: Why? Phoebe: My grandmother has this new boyfriend, and they're both kind of insecure in bed. Oh, and deaf. So they're constantly, like, having to reassure each other that they're having a good time. You have no idea how loud they are! Monica: Well, if you want, you can stay with Rachel and me tonight. Phoebe: Thanks. Joey: ...Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you! Less than a hundred steps from our place to here. Chandler: You got waaaay too much free time. Joey: Hey! Here's the birthday boy! Ross, check it out: hockey tickets, Rangers-Penguins, tonight at the Garden, and we're taking you. Chandler: Happy birthday, pal! Joey: We love you, man. Ross: Funny, my birthday was seven months ago. Joey: So? Ross: So, I'm guessing you had an extra ticket and couldn't decide which one of you got to bring a date? Chandler: Well, aren't we Mr. "The glass is half empty." Ross: Oh my God, oh- is today the twentieth, October twentieth? Monica: Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't remember. Ross: Ohhh. Joey: What's wrong with the twentieth? Chandler: Eleven days before Halloween.. all the good costumes are gone? Ross: Today's the day Carol and I first.. consummated our physical relationship. Sex. ..You know what, I-I'd better pass on the game. I think I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover. Joey: The hell with hockey, let's all do that! Chandler: Huh? Huh? Huh? Ross: What are you doing? Chandler: I have no idea. Joey: C'mon, Ross! Ross: Alright, alright, maybe it'll take my mind off it. Do you promise to buy me a big thumb finger? Chandler: You got it. Rachel: Look-look-look-look-look, my first pay check! Look at the window, there's my name! Hi, me! Phoebe: I remember the day I got my first pay check. There was a cave in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed. Monica: Wow, you worked in a mine? Phoebe: I worked in a Dairy Queen, why? Rachel: God, isn't this exciting? I earned this. I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally——not worth it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money? I mean, what- Chandler, look at that. Chandler: Oh, this is not that bad. Joey: Oh, you're fine, yeah, for a first job. Ross: You can totally, totally live on this. Monica: Yeah, yeah. Ross: Oh, by the way, great service tonight. All: Oh! Yeah! Guys: Hockey! Leslie: Rachel? Rachel: Oh my God! (Rachel, Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne all scream and hug each other. Monica: I swear I've seen birds do this on Wild Kingdom. Rachel: What are you guys doing here? Kiki: Well, we were in the city shopping, and your mom said you work here, aaand it's true! Joanne: Look at you in the apron. You look like you're in a play. Rachel: Look at you, you are so big I can't believe it! Leslie: I know. I know! I'm a duplex. Rachel: So what's going on with you? Joanne: Well, guess who my dad's making partner in his firm? Kiki: And while we're on the subject of news.. Phoebe: Chandler: ...Poulet passes it up to Leetch! Joey: Leetch spots Messier in the crease- there's the pass! Chandler: We'll take a brief time out while Messier stops to look at some women's shoes. Ross: Carol was wearing boots just like those the night that we- we first- y'know. Fact, she, uh- she never took'em off, 'cause we-we- Sorry. Sorry. Joey: What? Ross: Peach pit. Chandler: Yes, Bunny? Ross: Peach pit. That night we, uh- we had- Joey: -Peaches? Ross: Actually, nectarines, but basically... Chandler: Could've been a peach. Ross: Then, uh, then we got dressed, and I-I... I walked her to the- -the bus stop... I'm fine. Joey: Hey, that woman's got an ass like Carol's! What? Thought we were trying to find stuff. Rachel: So c'mon, you guys, tell me all the dirt! Kiki: Well, the biggest news is still you dumping Barry at the altar! Joanne: Alright. Let's talk reality for a second. Rachel: Okay. Joanne: When are you coming home? Rachel: What? Guys, I'm not. Joanne: C'mon, this is us. Rachel: I'm not! This is what I'm doing now. I've got this job- Kiki: Waitressing? Rachel: Okay, I'm not just waitressing. I'm.. I, um... I write the specials on the specials board, and, uh... and I, uh... I take the uh dead flowers out of the vase... Oh, and, um, sometimes Artelle lets me put the little chocolate blobbies on the cookies. Leslie: Well. Your mom didn't tell us about the blobbies. Monica: Hey, Rach. How was it with your friends? Rachel: What's that? Monica: Weeeell, it's rum, and- Rachel: Okay. Monica: We thought since Phoebe was staying over tonight we'd have kinda like a slumber party thing. We got some trashy magazines, we got cookie dough, we got Twister... Phoebe: Ooh! Ooh! And I brought Operation! But, um, I lost the tweezers, so we can't operate. But we can prep the guy! Monica: Uh, Rach, it's the Visa card people. Rachel: Oh, God, ask them what they want. Monica: Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account. Rachel: But I haven't used my card in weeks! Monica: That is the unusual activity. Look, they just wanna see if you're okay. Rachel: They wanna know if I'm okay. Okay.. they wanna know if I'm okay, okay, let's see. Well, let's see, the FICA guys took all my money, everyone I know is either getting married, or getting promoted, or getting pregnant, and I'm getting coffee! And it's not even for me! So if that sounds like I'm okay, okay, then you can tell them I'm okay, okay? Monica: Uh- Rachel has left the building, can you call back? Rachel: Alright, c'mon! Let's play Twister! Ross: Sorry, sorry... Uh-oh. Chandler: What? There was ice there that night with Carol? Plastic seats? Four thousand angry Pittsburgh fans? Ross: No, actually I was just saying it looks like we're not sitting together. But now you mention it, there was ice there that night... It was the first frost... Joey: C'mon, sit. Just sit down, sit. Monica: You should feel great about yourself! You're doing this amazing independence thing! Rachel: Monica, what is so amazing? I gave up, like, everything. And for what? Phoebe: You are just like Jack. Rachel: ...Jack from downstairs? Phoebe: No, Jack and the Beanstalk. Monica: Ah, the other Jack. Phoebe: Yeah, right! See, he gave up something, but then he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and there was this, this big plant outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff.. And he lived in a village, and you live in the Village.. Rachel: Okay, but Pheebs, Pheebs, Jack gave up a cow, I gave up an orthodontist. Okay, I-I-I know, I know I didn't love him- Phoebe: Oh, see, Jack did love the cow. Rachel: But see, it was a plan. Y'know, it was clear. It was figured out, and now everything's just kinda like... Phoebe: Floopy? Rachel: Yeah. Monica: So what, you're not the only one. I mean, half the time we don't know where we're going. You've just gotta figure at some point it's all gonna come together, and it's just gonna be... un-floopy. Phoebe: Oh, like that's a word. Rachel: Okay, but Monica, what if- what if it doesn't come together? Monica: ...Pheebs? Phoebe: Oh, well... 'cause.... you just... I don't like this question. Rachel: Okay, see, see, you guys, what if we don't get magic beans? I mean, what if all we've got are.. beans? Ross: Get him! GET HIM! Get him! Get- YESSS! Not laughing now, are ya pal! Chandler: See buddy, that's all you need, a bunch of toothless guys hitting each other with sticks. Ross: Pass it! Pass it! Chandler: He's open! All: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Chandler: Hey, look, we're on that TV thing! Commercial Break Chandler: 'Scuse me. Receptionist: It says to call this number if you're not completely satisfied with this candy bar. Well, I'm not completely satisfied. Chandler: Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room. Receptionist: Ross: Look, I don't wanna make any trouble, okay, but I'm in a lot of pain here, alright? My face is dented. Receptionist: Well, you'll have to wait your turn. Joey: Well, how long do you think it'll be? Receptionist: Any minute now. Ross: Hey, this- Heyy... Rachel: I'm so sorry, you guys. I didn't mean to bring you down. Monica: No, you were right. I don't have a plan. Pizza Guy: Pizza guy! Rachel: Thank God. Food. Monica: Phoebe? Phoebe: What? Monica: Do you have a plan? Phoebe: I don't even have a 'pl'. Pizza Guy: Hi, one, uh, mushroom, green pepper and onion? Rachel: No, no, that's not what we ordered... We ordered a fat-free crust with extra cheese. Pizza Guy: Wait, you're not 'G.Stephanopoulos?' Man, my dad's gonna kill me! Monica: Wait! Did you say 'G.Stephanopoulos?' Pizza Guy: Yeah. This one goes across the street, I must have given him yours. Oh, bonehead, bonehead! Monica: Wait, was this a-a small mediterranean guy with curiously intelligent good looks? Pizza Guy: Yeah, that sounds about right. Monica: Was he wearing a stunning blue suit? Phoebe: And-and a power tie? Pizza Guy: No, pretty much just a towel. Monica: Oh God. Pizza Guy: So you guys want me to take this back? Monica: Are you nuts?! We've got George Stephanopoulos' pizza! Rachel: Uh, Pheebs? Who's George Snuffalopagus? Phoebe: Big Bird's friend. Monica: I see pizza! Phoebe: Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme see! Rachel: Hello? Who are we spying on? Monica: White House adviser? Clinton's campaign guy? The one with the great hair, sexy smile, really cute butt? Rachel: Oh, him, the little guy? Oh, I love him! Phoebe: Ooh, wait.. wait, I see a woman. Monica: Please tell me it's his mother. Phoebe: Definitely not his mother. Monica: Oh, no... Phoebe: Oh, wait, she's walking across the floor.. she's walking.. she's walking.. she's going for the pizza- Chandler: Excuse me, look, we've been here for over an hour, and a lot of people less sick than my friend have gone in. I mean, that guy with the toe thing? Who's he sleeping with? Ba-! Monica: Light still out? Rachel: Yeah. Monica: Oh. Maybe they're- napping. Rachel: Oh please, they're having sex. Monica and Phoebe: Shut up! Rachel: So, whaddya think George is like? Monica: I think he's shy. Phoebe: Yeah? Monica: Yeah. I think you have to draw him out. And then- when you do- he's a preppy animal. Ross: I remember the moonlight coming through the window- and her face had the most incredible glow. Chandler: Yes, the moon, the glow, the magical feeling, you did this part- Could I get some painkillers over here, please? Joey: He's right, enough, already. What is the big deal about today? So you slept with her for the first time, so what? You slept with her for seven years after that. Ross: Look, it's just a little more complicated... Chandler: Well, what? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women? Ross: Little louder, okay, I think there's a man on the twelfth floor in a coma that didn't quite hear you... Chandler: Then what? Ross: My first time with Carol was... Joey: What? Ross: It was my first time. Joey: With Carol? Oh. Chandler: So in your whole life, you've only been with one——oh. Joey: Whoah, boy, hockey was a big mistake! There was a whole bunch of stuff we could've done tonight! Monica: Okay. Okay, I got one. Do you remember that vegetarian pate that I made that you loved so much? Phoebe: Uh-huh. Monica: Well, unless goose is a vegetable...ha haaaah! Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, fine, fine. Now I don't feel so bad about sleeping with Jason Hurley. Monica: What?! You slept with Jason? Phoebe: You'd already broken up. Rachel: How long? Phoebe: A couple hours. Monica: Oh, that's nice! Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, I got one! Anyway- The valentine Tommy Rollerson left in your locker was really from me. Monica: Excuse me?! Rachel: Hello? Like he was really gonna send you one? She was a big girl. Monica: Really. Well, at least 'big girls' don't pee in their pants in seventh grade! Rachel: I was laughing! You made me laugh! Phoebe: There he is! There he is! Monica: Where? Phoebe: Right- where we've been looking all night! Rachel: He is so cute! Monica: Oh, George, baby, drop the towel! All: Yeah, drop it! Drop the towel! Please drop the——wowww. Joey: Man. Can you believe he's only had sex with one woman? Chandler: I think it's great. Y'know, it's sweet, it's romantic... Joey: Really? Chandler: No, you kidding? The guy's a freak.. Both: Hey, buddy. Ross: Hi. Receptionist: Oh, that's attractive. Chandler: Oh, I thought you were great in Silence of the Lambs. Oh come on, admit it! All things considered, you had fun tonight. Ross: Fun? Where was the fun? Tell me specifically, which part was the fun part? Where's my puck? Joey: Oh, ah- the kid has it. Ross: The kid...? Excuse me, uh, that's, that's my puck. Kid: I found it. Finders keepers, losers weepers. Chandler: You gotta do it, man. Ross: Listen, uh- gimme back my puck. Kid: No. Ross: 'Yes', how about. C'mere. Gimme! Kid: No! No! Receptionist: Hey! Hey! No rough holding in my ER! Ross: Ross: ...Now that was fun. Closing Credits Ross: Okay, Monica: Right foot red. Monica: Could've played Monopoly, but nooooo. Chandler: Thanks. Ross: Okay, Pheebs: Right hand blue. Chandler: Hello? Oh, uh, Rachel, it's the Visa card people. Rachel: Oh, okay. Will you take my place? Chandler: Alright. Yes, this is Rachel. Rachel: Nooo! Oh, well, thanks, but, I'm okay, really. Ross: Green. To the green. Rachel: Never-never mind. Chandler: To the left, to the left- aww! Rachel: Ohhh... I'm fine. End Monica: Would you let it go? It's not that big a deal. Ross: Not that big a deal? It's amazing. Ok, you just reach in there, there's one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right, as far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right? Rachel: Come on! You guys can pee standing up. Chandler: We can? All right, I'm tryin' that. Joey: Ok, you know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts any time they want. You just look down and there they are. How you get any work done is beyond me. Phoebe: Oh, ok, you know what I don't get? The way guys can do so many mean things, and then not even care. Ross: Multiple orgasms! Chandler: So, Saturday night, the big night, date night, Saturday night, Sat-ur-day night! Joey: No plans, huh? Chandler: Not a one. Ross: Not even, say, breaking up with Janice? Chandler: Oh, right, right, shut up. Monica: Chandler, nobody likes breaking up with someone. You just gotta do it. Chandler: No, I know, but it's just so hard, you know? I mean, you're sitting there with her, she has no idea what's happening, and then you finally get up the courage to do it, and there's the horrible awkward moment when you've handed her the note. Joey: Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man, just stop calling. Phoebe: You know, if you want, I'll do it with you. Chandler: Oh, thanks, but I think she'd feel like we're gangin' up on her. Phoebe: No, I mean you break up with Janice and I'll break up with Tony. Ross: Tony? Monica: Oh, you're breaking up with Tony? Phoebe: Yeah, I know, he's sweet, but it's just not fun anymore, you know? I don't know if it's me, or his hunger strike, or, I don't know. Rachel: Does anybody want anything else? Ross: Oh, yeah, last week you had a wonderful, nutty, chocolatey kind of a cakey pie thing. Nothing, just, just, I'm fine. Phoebe: What's the matter? Why so scrunchy? Rachel: It's my father. He wants to give me a Mercedes convertible. Ross: That guy, he burns me up. Rachel: Yeah, well, it's a Mercedes if I move back home. Oh, it was horrible. He called me young lady. Chandler: Ooh, I hate when my father calls me that. Monica: Did he give you that whole "You're-not-up-to-this" thing again? Rachel: Oh, yeah, yeah. Actually, I got the extended disco version, with three choruses of "You'll never make it on your own". Phoebe: Uh-huh, uh-huh. Angela: Hi, Joey. Joey: My god, Angela. Monica: Wow, being dumped by you obviously agrees with her. Phoebe: Are you gonna go over there? Joey: No, yeah, no, ok, but not yet. I don't wanna seem too eager. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi. That seems pretty cool. Hey, Angela. Angela: Joey. Joey: You look good. Angela: That's because I'm wearing a dress that accents my boobs. Joey: You don't say. Ross: So, uh, Rachel, what are you, uh, what're you doing tonight? Rachel: Oh, big glamour night. Me and Monica at Laundorama. Ross: Oh, you uh, you wanna hear a freaky coincidence? Guess who's doing laundry there too? Rachel: Who? Ross: Me. Was that not clear? Hey, why don't, um, why don't I just join you both, here? Rachel: Don't you have a laundry room in your building? Ross: Yes, I do have a laundry room in my building, um, but there's a.... rat problem. Apparently they're attracted to the dryer sheets, and they're goin' in fine, but they're comin' out all.... fluffy. Anyway, say, sevenish? Rachel: Sure. Angela: Forget it Joey. I'm with Bob now. Joey: Bob? Who the hell's Bob? Angela: Bob is great. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. You, you go on three auditions a month and you call yourself an actor, but Bob... Joey: Come on, we were great together. And not just at the fun stuff, but like, talking too. Angela: Yeah, well, sorry, Joe. You said let's just be friends, so guess what? Joey: What? Angela: We're just friends. Joey: Fine, fine, so, why don't the four of us go out and have dinner together tonight? You know, as friends? Angela: What four of us? Joey: You know, you and Bob, and me and my girlfriend, uh, uh, Monica. Joey: Monica, I'm tellin' you, this guy is perfect for you. Monica: Forget it. Not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet. Joey: Come on. This guy's great. His name's Bob. He's Angela's... brother. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. Me, I go on three auditions a month and call myself an actor, but Bob is... Monica: Oh, god help us. Joey: What? Monica: Ugly Naked Guy's laying kitchen tile. Eww! Joey: Eww! Look, I'm asking a favor here. If I do this for her brother, maybe Angela will come back to me. Monica: What's going on here? You go out with tons of girls. Joey: I know, but, I made a huge mistake. I never should have broken up with her. Will you help me? Please? Ross: Well, Monica's not coming, it's just gonna be me and Rachel. Chandler: Oh. Well, hold on camper, are you sure you've thought this thing through? Ross: It's laundry. The thinking through is minimal. Chandler: It's just you and Rachel, just the two of you? This is a date. You're going on a date. Ross: Nuh-uh. Chandler: Yuh-huh. Ross: So what're you saying here? I should shave again, pick up some wine, what? Chandler: Well, you may wanna rethink the dirty underwear. This is basically the first time she's gonna see your underwear—you want it to be dirty? Ross: No. Chandler: Oh, and uh, the fabric softener? Ross: Ok, ok, now what is wrong with my Snuggles? What, it says I'm a sensitive, warm kinda guy, you know, like a warm, fuzzy bear. Ok, I can pick something else up on the way. Chandler: There you go. Monica: Thank you. So what does this Bob guy look like? Is he tall? Short? Joey: Yep. Monica: Which? Joey: Which what? Monica: You've never met Bob, have you? Joey: No, but he's... Monica: Oh my god, Joey, for all we know this guy could be horribly... Angela: Hey, Joey. Monica: ...horribly attractive. I'll be shutting up now. Chandler: Where are they? Where are they? Phoebe: This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us. Chandler: It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies. Phoebe: Eww, I don't wanna do that. Chandler: Here we go. Phoebe: Ok, have a good break-up. Chandler: Hey, Janice. Janice: Oh, my god, I am so glad you called me. I had the most supremely awful day. Chandler: Hey, that's not good. Can I get an espresso and a latte over here, please? Janice: We got the proofs back from that photo shoot, you know, the one with the little vegetables. Anyway, they pretty much sucked, so, I blew off the rest of the day, and I went shopping...... and I got you, I'm looking, I'm looking, I'm looking, I got you... Chandler: What? Janice: What? Chandler: What... did you get me there? Janice: I got you...these. Chandler: Bullwinkle socks. That's so sweet. Janice: Well, I knew you had the Rockys, and so I figured, you know, you can wear Bullwinkle and Bullwinkle, or you can wear Rocky and Rocky,or, you can mix and match, moose and squirrel. Whatever you want. Chandler: That's great. Chandler: Well, I'm gonna get another espresso. Can I get you another latte? Janice: No, no, I'm still working on mine. Chandler: That's it? Phoebe: Yeah, it was really hard. Chandler: Oh, yeah, that hug looked pretty brutal. Phoebe: Ok, you weren't there. Woman: Comin' through. Move, move. Rachel: Oh, 'scuse me. I was kinda using that machine. Woman: Yeah, well, now you're kinda not. Rachel: But I saved it. I put my basket on top. Woman: Oh, I'm sorry, is that your basket? It's really pretty. Unfortunately, I don't see suds. Rachel: What? Woman: No suds, no save. Ok? Ross: What's goin' on? Rachel: Hi, uh, nothing. That horrible woman just took my machine. Ross: Was your basket on top? Rachel: Yeah, but, there were no suds. Ross: So? Rachel: Well, you know, no suds, no save. Ross: No suds? Excuse me, hold on a second. That's my friend's machine. Woman: Hey, hey, hey, her stuff wasn't in it. Ross: Hey, hey, hey, that's not the rule and you know it. Ross: Ok, let's do laundry. Rachel: That was amazing. I can't even send back soup. Ross: Well, that's because you're such a sweet, gentle, uh...Do you, uh, do you...Oh, hey, uh you must need detergent. Rachel: What's that? Ross: Uberveiss. It's new, it's German, it's extra-tough. Ross: Rach, do you uh, are you gonna separate those? Rachel: Oh god. Oh, am I being like a total laundry spaz? I mean, am I supposed to use like one machine for shirts and another machine for pants? Ross: Rach, have you never done this before? Rachel: Well, not myself, but I know other people that have. Ok, you caught me. I'm a laundry virgin. Ross: Uh, well, don't worry, I'll use the gentle cycle. Ok, um, basically you wanna use one machine for all your whites, a whole nother machine for colors, and a third for your uh, your uh, delicates, and that would be your bras and your under-panty things. Rachel: Ok, Well, what about these are white cotton panties. Would they go with whites or delicates? Ross: Uh, that, that, that would be a judgment call. Monica: So, where did you guys grow up? Angela: Brooklyn Heights. Bob: Cleveland. Monica: How, how did that happen? Joey: Oh my god. Monica: What? Joey: I suddenly had the feeling that I was falling. But I'm not. Joey: So, you and Angela, huh? Bob: Yep. Pretty much. Joey: You're a lucky man. You know what I miss the most about her? That cute nibbly noise when she eats. Like a happy little squirrel, or a weasel. Bob: Huh, I never really noticed. Joey: Oh, yeah, yeah, listen for it. Bob: Monica, Monica is great. Joey: Yeah, but it's not gonna last. She's too much for me in bed. Sexually. Monica: I've gotta tell you, Bob is terrific. Angela: Yeah, isn't he? Monica: It is so great to meet a guy who is smart and funny, and has an emotional age beyond, like eight. Angela: You know what else? He's unbelievable in bed. Monica: Wow. My brother never even told me when he lost his virginity. Angela: Huh. That's nice. Phoebe: Ok, you can do this. It's just like pulling off a Band-aid. Just do it really fast, and then the wound is exposed. Chandler: Janice. Hi, Janice. Ok, here we go. I don't think we should go out anymore. Janice. Janice: All right. Well, there you go. Stop it, stop it, stop it. Rachel: Ok, I know this is gonna sound really stupid, but I feel that if I can do this, you know, if I can actually do my own laundry, there isn't anything I can't do. Ross: That does not sound stupid to me. You know, it's like the first time I had to make dinner for myself, after Carol left me? Uh-oh. Rachel: What uh-oh? Ross: Uh-oh the laundry's done, uh-oh, uh-oh. Rachel: Ross, what's the matter? Ross: Nothing, nothing. Lee-lo, the laundry's done. Rachel: Come on, show me. Ross: All right, all right, it's just that you left a red sock in with all your whites, and now, everything's kinda pink. Rachel: Oh, everything's pink. Ross: Yeah, uh, except for the red sock, which is still red. I'm sorry, please don't be upset, it could happen to anyone. Rachel: Except it didn't. It happened to me. Oh, god, I'm gonna look like a big marshmallow peep. What am I doing? What am I doing? My father's right. I can't live on my own! I can't even do laundry! Monica: Something went wrong with Underdog, and they couldn't get his head to inflate. So anyway, um, his head is like flopping down Broadway, right, and I'm just thinking... how inappropriate this is. Um, I've got something in my eye, uh, Joey, could we check it in the light, please? Monica: Oh my god. Joey: What? Monica: Hello! Were we at the same table? It's like... cocktails in Appalachia. Joey: Come on, they're close. Monica: Close? She's got her tongue in his ear. Joey: Oh, like you've never gotten a little rambunctious with Ross. Monica: Joey, this is sick, it's disgusting, it's, it's—not really true, is it? Joey: Well, who's to say what's true? I mean... Monica: Oh my god, what were you thinking? Joey: All right, look, I'm not proud of this, ok? Well, maybe I am a little. Monica: Oh! Joey: Ow! Monica: I'm outta here. Joey: Wait, wait, wait. You want him, I want her. He likes you. Monica: Really? Joey: Yeah. I'm thinking, if we put our heads together, between the two of us, we can break them up. Monica: I'm so sorry, I can't believe I did this, but I couldn't stop laughing at your Norman Mailer story. Joey: Uh, waiter, one more plate of chicken wings over here. Chandler: Here's the thing, Janice. You know, I mean, it's like we're different. I'm like the bing, bing, bing. You're like the boom, boom, ... boom. Janice: Ow! Chandler: Oh, my god, I'm so sorry. Are you ok? Janice: Ow. Um, it's just my lens. It's just my lens. I'll be right back. Chandler: I hit her in the eye! I hit her in the eye! This is the worst break-up in the history of the world. Phoebe: Oh my god. How many of those have you had? Chandler: Oh, I don't know, a million? Phoebe: Chandler, easy, easy. Go to your happy place. La la la la la la la. Chandler: I'm fine. Phoebe: All right. Chandler: I'm not fine. Here she comes. Phoebe: Wait here. Breathe. Chandler: How do you do that? Phoebe: It's like a gift. Chandler: We should always always break up together. Phoebe: Oh, I'd like that. Ross: You got the clothes clean. Now that's the important part. Rachel: Oh, I guess. Except everything looks like jammies now. Rachel: Whoa, I'm sorry. Excuse me. We had this cart. Woman: Yeah, well, I had a 24-inch waist. You lose things. Now come on, get outta my way. Rachel: I'm sorry, you know, maybe I wasn't being clear. Uh, this is our cart. Woman: Hey, hey, hey there aren't any clothes in it. Rachel: Hey, hey, hey, hey, quit making up rules! Woman: Let go! Rachel: All right, listen, missy. If you want this cart, you're gonna have to take me with it! Rachel: Yes! Did you see that? Ross: You were incredible! Brand new woman, ladies and gentlemen. Rachel: I could not have done this without you. Ross: Ok, um, uh, more clothes in the dryer? I'm fine, I'm fine. Rachel: Are you sure? Ross: No. Closing Credits Rachel: Oh, are you sure you're ok? Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Does it still hurt? Ross: Yeah. Phoebe: What a neat idea. All your clothes match. I'm gonna do this. Monica: Hi. Phoebe: Hey, how'd it go? Joey: Excellent. Monica: We ripped that couple apart, and kept the pieces for ourselves. Ross: What a beautiful story. Hey, I'm fine by the way. Monica: Oh, I'm sorry. Rachel: Where's Chandler? Phoebe: Oh, he needed some time to grieve. Chandler: I'm free! I'm free! Phoebe: That oughta do it. End Rachel: Ooh! Look! Look! Look! Look, there's Joey's picture! This is so exciting! Chandler: You can always spot someone who's never seen one of his plays before. Notice, no fear, no sense of impending doom... Phoebe: The exclamation point in the title scares me. Y'know, it's not just Freud, it's Freud! Ross: Oh, shhh, shh. Magic is about to happen. Joey: Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear. All you want is a dingle, What you envy's a schwang, A thing through which you can tinkle, Or play with, or simply let hang... Opening Credits Rachel: God. I feel violated. Monica: Did anybody else feel they just wanted to peel the skin off their body, to have something else to do? Chandler: Ross, ten o'clock. Ross: Is it? Feels like two. Chandler: No, ten o'clock. Ross: What? Chandler: There's a beautiful woman at eight, nine, ten o'clock! Ross: Oh. Hel-lo! Chandler: She's amazing! She makes the women that I dream about look like short, fat, bald men! Monica: Well, go over to her! She's not with anyone. Chandler: Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? 'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.' Rachel: Oh, c'mon. She's a person, you can do it! Chandler: Oh please, could she be more out of my league? Ross, back me up here. Ross: He could never get a woman like that in a million years. Chandler: Thank you, buddy. Phoebe: Oh, oh, but y'know, you always see these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys, you could be one of those guys. Monica: You could do that! Chandler: Y'think? All: Yeah! Chandler: Oh God, I can't believe I'm even considering this... I'm very very aware of my tongue... Ross: C'mon! C'mon! Chandler: Here goes. Aurora: ...Yes? Chandler: Hi.... um... okay, next word... would be... Chandler! Chandler is my name, and, uh......hi. Aurora: Yes, you said that. Chandler: Yes, yes I did, but what I didn't say was what I was about to say, what I wanted to say was, uh... would you like to go out with me sometime, thankyou, goodnight. Aurora: Chandler? All: Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard! Joey: Whadja think? All: ...Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard! Joey: C'mon, you guys, it wasn't that bad. It was better than that thing I did with the trolls, at least you got to see my head. All: Saw your head. Saw your head. Chandler: Rachel: What is it? Joey: The Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Wow, an agency left me its card! Maybe they wanna sign me! Phoebe: Based on this play? ...Based on this play! Chandler: Hey, kids. All: Hey. Phoebe: No, 'cause this line is passion, and this is... just a line. Chandler: Well, I can't believe I've been here almost seven seconds and you haven't asked me how my date went. Monica: Oh, right, right. How was your date, 'Chand-lrr'? Chandler: It was unbelievable. I-I've never met anyone like her. She's had the most amazing life! She was in the Israeli army... Aurora: ...Luckily none of the bullets hit the engine block. So, we made it to the border, but just barely, and I- ...I've been talking about myself all night long, I'm sorry. What about you? Tell me one of your stories. Chandler: Alright. Once I got on the subway, right, and it was at night, and I rode it all the way to Brooklyn... just for the hell of it. Chandler: We talked 'til like two. It was this perfect evening... more or less. Aurora: ...All of a sudden we realised we were in Yammon. Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, so 'we' is? Aurora: 'We' would be me and Rick. Joey: Who's Rick? Chandler: Who's Rick? Aurora: My husband. All: Ooooohhh. Chandler: Oh, so you're divorced? Aurora: No. Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, then you're widowed?...Hopefully? Aurora: No, I'm still married. Chandler: So tell me, how do- how do you think your husband would feel about you sitting here with me?...Sliding your foot so far up my pant leg you can count the change in my pocket? Aurora: Don't worry. I imagine he'd be okay with you because really, he's okay with Ethan. Chandler: Ethan? There's, there's an Ethan? Aurora: Mmmm... Ethan is my... boyfriend. All: What?! Chandler: So explain something to me here, uh, what kind of a relationship do you imagine us having if you already have a husband and a boyfriend? Aurora: I suppose mainly sexual. Chandler: ...Hm. Monica: Oh. I'm sorry it didn't work out. Chandler: What 'not work out'? I'm seeing her again on Thursday. Didn't you listen to the story? Monica: Didn't you listen to the story? I mean, this is twisted! How could you get involved with a woman like this? Chandler: Well, y'know, I had some trouble with it at first too, but the way I look at it is, I get all the good stuff: all the fun, all the talking, all the sex; and none of the responsibility. I mean, this is every guy's fantasy! Phoebe: Oh, yeah. That is not true. Ross, is this your fantasy? Ross: No, of course not! ...Yeah, yeah, it is. Monica: What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else? Joey: I couldn't do it. Monica: Good for you, Joey. Joey: When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she is. Ross: Well, y'know, monogamy can be a, uh, tricky concept. I mean, anthropologically speaking- Ross: Fine. Fine, alright, now you'll never know. Monica: We're kidding. C'mon, tell us! All: Yeah! C'mon! Ross: Alright. There's a theory, put forth by Richard Leakey- Rachel: Tah-daaah! Chandler: Are we greeting each other this way now? 'Cause I like that. Rachel: Look! I cleaned! I did the windows, I did the floors... I even used all the attachments on the vacuum, except that little round one with the bristles, I don't know what that's for. Ross: Oh yeah, nobody knows. And we're not supposed to ask. Rachel: Well, whaddya think? All: Very clean! It looks great! Terrific! Monica: ...Oh! I-I see you moved the green ottoman. All: Uh-oh... Monica: How-how did that happen? Rachel: I dunno.. I-I thought it looked better there. And I- and also, it's an extra seat around the coffee table. Monica: Yeah, yeah, it's interesting.. but y'know what? Just for fun, let's see what it looked like in the old spot. Alright, just to compare. Let's see. Well, it looks good there too. Let's just leave it there for a while. Phoebe: I can't believe you tried to move the green ottoman. Chandler: Thank God you didn't try to fan out the magazines. I mean, she'll scratch your eyes right out. Monica: You guys, I am not that bad! Phoebe: Yeah, you are, Monica. Remember when I lived with you? You were like, a little, y'know, Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Monica: That is so unfair! Ross: Oh c'mon! When we were kids, yours was the only Raggedy Ann doll that wasn't raggedy! Monica: Okay, so I'm responsible, I'm organised. But hey, I can be a kook. Ross: Alright, you madcap gal. Try to imagine this. The phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away. Monica: Why not? Ross: Because you're a kook! Instead you wait until they send you a notice. Monica: I could do that. Rachel: Okay, uh, you let me go grocery shopping, and I buy laundry detergent, but it's not the one with the easy-pour spout. Monica: Why would someone do that?! ...One might wonder. Chandler: Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink, it's a hot day. Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood... Monica: STOP IT!! ...Oh my God. It's true! Who am I? Ross: Monica? You're Mom. Phoebe: Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Joey: My agent has just gotten me a job...in the new Al Pacino movie! All: Oh my God! Whoah! Monica: Well, what's the part? Joey: Can you believe this? Al Pacino! This guy's the reason I became an actor! "I'm out of order? Pfeeeh. You're out of order! This whole courtroom's out of order!" Phoebe: Seriously, what-what's the part? Joey: "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!" Ross: C'mon, seriously, Joey, what's the part? Joey: ...I'm his Rachel: ..You're, you're 'mah mah mah' what? Joey: ...I'm his butt double. 'Kay? I play Al Pacino's butt. Alright? He goes into the shower, and then- I'm his butt. Monica: Oh my God. Joey: C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big! Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's... it's... y'know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into showbusiness. Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me! Ross: You're right, you're right, it is...So you gonna invite us all to the big opening? Commercial Break Monica: Alright, alright, alright... Joey: Here. I need to borrow some moisturizer. Monica: For what? Joey: Whaddya think? Today's the big day! Monica: Oh my God. Okay, go into the bathroom, use whatever you want, just don't ever tell me what you did in there. Joey: Thank you! Chandler: Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone. Monica: He's in the bathroom. I don't think you wanna go in there! Chandler: C'mon, we're roommates! My eyes!! My eyes!! Monica: I warned you... Rachel: Who is being loud? Chandler: Oh, that would be Monica. Hey, listen, I wanna borrow a coupla things, Aurora spent the night, I really wanna make her breakfast. Monica: Oh, you got the whole night, huh? Chandler: Yeah, well, I only have twenty minutes until Ethan, so, y'know.. Rachel: Ooh, do I sense a little bit of resentment? Chandler: No, no resentment, believe me, it's worth it. 'Kay? Y'know in a relationship you have these key moments that you know you'll remember for the rest of your life? Well, every- single- second is like that with Aurora.. and I've just wasted about thirty-five of them talking to you people, so, uh.. Monica, can you help me with the door? Monica: Sure. Oh, um, Chandler? Y'know, the-the old Monica would-would remind you to scrub that Teflon pan with a plastic brush...But I'm not gonna do that. Director: Okay, everybody ready? Joey: Uh, listen, I just wanna thank you for this great opportunity. Director: Lose the robe. Joey: Me? Director: That would work. Joey: Right. Okay. Losing the robe. And the robe is lost. Director: Okay, everybody, we'd like to get this in one take, please. Let's roll it.. water's working .. and... action. Director: And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell are you doing? Joey: Well, I'm- I'm showering. Director: No, that was clenching. Joey: Oh. Well, the way I see it, the guy's upset here, y'know? I mean, his wife's dead, his brother's missing... I think his butt would be angry here. Director: I think his butt would like to get this shot before lunch. Once again, rolling... water working... and action....and cut. What was that? Joey: I was going for quiet desperation. But if you have to ask... Chandler: God, I love these fingers... Aurora: Thank you. Chandler: No, actually I meant my fingers. Look at 'em, look at how happy they are. Aurora: Chandler: Oh no nonononononnononono, don't go.. Aurora: Okay. Chandler: Don't go. Aurora: Okay. Oh no, I have to. Chandler: Too bad, she's leaving. Aurora: I'm sorry. He'll be waiting for me. Chandler: Well, I thought- I thought you talked to Rick. Aurora: It's not Rick. Chandler: What, Ethan? He got to spend the whole day with you! Aurora: No, it's-it's Andrew. Chandler: I know there'll be many moments in the years to come when I'll regret asking the following question, but- And Andrew is? Aurora: He's... new. Chandler: Oh, so what you're saying is you're not completely fulfilled by Rick, Ethan and myself? Aurora: No, that's not exactly what I was.. Chandler: Well, y'know, most women would kill for three guys like us. Aurora: So what do you want? Chandler: You. Aurora: You have me! Chandler: Nono, just you. Aurora: Whaddyou mean? Chandler: Lose the other guys. Aurora: ...Like, ...all of them? Chandler: C'mon, we're great together, why not? Aurora: Why can't we just have what we have now? Why can't we just talk, and laugh, and make love, without feeling obligated to one another... and up until tonight I thought that's what you wanted too. Chandler: ...Well, y'know, part of me wants that, but it's like I'm two guys, y'know? I mean, one guy's going 'Shut up! This is great!' But there's this other guy. Actually it's the same guy that wells up every time that Grinch's heart grows three sizes and breaks that measuring device... And he's saying, y'know, 'This is too hard! Get out! Get out!' Aurora: So... which one of the two guys will you listen to? Chandler: I don't know, I-I have to listen to both of them, they don't exactly let each other finish... Aurora: Which one? Chandler: ...The second guy. Aurora: Well, call me if you change your mind. Chandler: Sorry, the first guy runs the lips. Ross: Look at it this way: you dumped her. Right? I mean, this woman was unbelievably sexy, and beautiful, intelligent, unattainable... Tell me why you did this again? All: Hey! Monica: Hey, waitwait, aren't you the guy that plays the butt in the new Al Pacino movie? Joey: Nope. Ross: No? What happened, big guy? Chandler: "Big guy?" Ross: It felt like a 'big guy' moment. Joey: I got fired. All: Oh! Joey: Yeah, they said I acted too much with it. I told everybody about this! Now everybody's gonna go to the theatre, expecting to see me, and... Rachel: Oh, Joey, you know what, no-one is gonna be able to tell. Joey: My mom will. Chandler: Something so sweet and...disturbing about that. Joey: Y'know, I've done nothing but crappy plays for six years. And I finally get my shot, and I blow it! Monica: Maybe this wasn't your shot. Ross: Yeah, I mean... I think when it's your shot, y'know, you-you know it's your shot. Did it... feel like your shot..? Joey: Hard to tell, I was naked. Phoebe: No, I don't think this was your shot. I mean, I don't even think you just get one shot. I really believe big things are gonna happen for you, I do! You've gotta just keep thinking about the day that some kid is gonna run up to his friends and go 'I got the part! I got the part! I'm gonna be Joey Tribbiani's ass!'. Joey: Yeah? That's so nice! Monica: I'm sorry, Joey. I'm gonna go to bed, guys. All: Night. Rachel: Uh, Mon, you-you gonna leave your shoes out here? Monica: Uh-huh! Rachel: Really? Just casually strewn about in that reckless haphazard manner? Monica: Doesn't matter, I'll get 'em tomorrow. Or not. Whenever. Ross: She is a kook. Closing Credits Monica: End Written by: Jeffrey Astrof and Mike Sikowitz. Transcribed by: Ruth Curran Rachel: Everybody? Shh, shhh. Uhhh... Central Perk is proud to present the music of Miss Phoebe Buffay. Phoebe: Hi. Um, I want to start with a song thats about that moment when you suddenly realize what life is all about. OK, here we go. OK, thank you very much. Chandler: Oh, great. This is just... Rachel: Wow, this is so cool, you guys. The entire city is blacked out! Monica: Mom says it's all of Manhattan, parts of Brooklyn and Queens, and they have no idea when it's coming back on. Rachel: Wow, you guys, this is big. Monica: Phoebe: Can I borrow the phone? I want to call my apartment and check on my grandma. What's my number? Phoebe: Well, I never call me. Chandler: Oh my God, it's that Victoria's Secret model. Something... something Goodacre. Jill: Hi Mom, it's Jill. Chandler: She's right, it's Jill. Jill Goodacre. Oh my God. I am trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! Is it a vestibule? Maybe it's an atrium. Oh, yeah, that is the part to focus on, you idiot! Jill: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just stuck at the bank, in an ATM vestibule. Chandler: Jill says vestibule... I'm going with vestibule. Jill: I'm fine. No, I'm not alone... I don't know, some guy. Chandler: Oh! Some guy. Some guy. 'Hey Jill, I saw you with some guy last night. Yes, he was some guy. Joey: Hi everyone. Ross: And officiating at tonight's blackout, is Rabbi Tribbiani. Joey: Well, Chandler's old roomate was Jewish, and these are the only candles we have, so... Happy Chanukah, everyone. Phoebe: Eww, look. Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles. Rachel: That had to hurt! Chandler: Alright, alright, alright. It's been fourteen and a half minutes and you still have not said one word. Oh God, do something. Just make contact, smile! Chandler: There you go! Chandler: You're definitely scaring here. Jill: Chandler: Yeah, about 300 guys I went to high school with. Yeah, thanks. Monica: Hello? Chandler: Hey, it's me. Monica: Are you OK? Chandler: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm trppd in an ATM vstbl wth Jll Gdcr. Monica: What? Chandler: I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth Jll Gdcr! Monica: I have no idea what you just said. Chandler: Put Joey on the phone. Joey: What's up man? Chandler: I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth JLL GDCR. Joey: Chandler: Yeah, like that thought never entered my mind. Rachel: Alright, somebody. Monica: OK, I'll go. OK, senior year of college... on a pool table. All: Whoooaa! Ross: That's my sister. Joey: OK... my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York CIty public library. Monica: Oh my God! What were you doing in a library? Ross: Pheebs, what about you? Phoebe: Oh... Milwaukee. Rachel: Um... Ross? Ross: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All.' All: No way! Ross: The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical Dutch children... then they fixed the ride, and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom. Phoebe: Oh, Rachel. Rachel: Oh come on, I already went. Monica: You did not go! All: Come on. Rachel: Oh, alright. The weirdest place would have to be... ... oh, the foot of the bed. Ross: Step back. Joey: We have a winner! Rachel: I just never had a relationship with that kind of passion, you know, where you have to have somebody right there, in the middle of a theme park. Ross: Well, it was the only thing to do there that didn't have a line. Rachel: There, well, see? Barry wouldn't even kiss me on a miniature golf course. Ross: Come on. Rachel: No, he said we were holding up the people behind us. Ross: And you didn't marry him because...? Rachel: I mean, do you think there are people who go through life never having that kind of... Ross: Probably. But you know, I'll tell you something. Passion is way overrated. Rachel: Yeah right. Ross: It is. Eventually, it kind of... burns out. But hopefully, what you're left with is trust, and security, and... well, in the case of my ex-wife, lesbianism. So, you know, for all of those people who miss out on that passion... thing, there's all that other good stuff. Rachel: OK. Ross: But, um... I don't think that's going to be you. Rachel: You don't. Ross: Uh-uh. See, I see.... big passion in your future. Rachel: Really? Ross: Mmmm. Rachel: You do? Ross: I do. Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great. Joey: It's never gonna happen. Ross: What? Joey: You and Rachel. Ross: Why not? Joey: Because you waited too long to make your move, and now you're in the friend zone. Ross: No, no, no. I'm not in the zone. Joey: Ross, you're mayor of the zone. Ross: I'm taking my time, alright? I'm laying the groundwork. Yeah. I mean, every day I get just a little bit closer to... Joey: Priesthood! Look Ross, I'm telling you, she has no idea what you're thinking. If you don't ask her out soon you're going to end up stuck in the zone forever. Ross: I will, I will. See, I'm waiting for the right moment. What? What, now? Joey: Yeeeeaaaahhh! What's messing you up? The wine? The candles? The moonlight? You've just got to go up to her and say, 'Rachel, I think that...' Ross: Shhhh! Rachel: What are you shushing? Ross: We're shushing... because... we're trying to hear something. Listen. Don't you hear that? Rachel: Ahhhh! Ross: See? Rachel: Huh. Jill: Would you like some gum? Chandler: Um, is it sugarless? Jill: Sorry, it's not. Chandler: Oh, then no thanks. What the hell was that? Mental note: If Jill Goodacre offers you gum, you take it. If she offers you mangled animal carcass, you take it. Phoebe: Ross: OK, here goes. Joey: Are you going to do it? Ross: I'm going to do it. Joey: Do you want any help? Ross: You come out there, you're a dead man. Joey: Good luck, man. Ross: Thanks. OK. Joey: OK. Joey: Hey, where are you going? Monica: Outside. Joey: You can't go out there. Monica: Why not? Joey: Because of... the reason. Monica: And that would be? Joey: I, um, can't tell you. Monica: Joey, what's going on? Joey: OK, you've got to promise that you'll never, ever tell Ross that I told you. Monica: About what? Joey: He's planning your birthday party. Monica: Oh my God! I love him! Joey: You'd better act surprised. Phoebe: About what? Monica: My surprise party! Phoebe: What surprise party? Monica: Oh stop it. Joey already told me. Phoebe: Well, he didn't tell me. Joey: Hey, don't look at me. This is Ross's thing. Phoebe: This is so typical. I'm always the last one to know everything. Monica: No, you are not. We tell you stuff. Phoebe: Yuh-huh! I was the last one to know when Chandler got bitten by the peacock at the zoo. I was the last one to know when you had a crush on Joey when he was moving in. Looks like I was second to last. Rachel: Hmmm... this is so nice. Ross: OK, I have a question. Well, actually, it's not so much a question as.. more of a general wondering... ment. Rachel: OK. Ross: OK. Here goes. For a while now, I've been wanting to, um.... Rachel: Ohhh!!!! Ross: Yes, yes, that's right... Rachel: Oh, look at the little cat! Ross: What? Ow! Monica, Joey, and Phoebe: I'm on top of the world, looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find, is the wonders I've found ever since... Monica: This is just Bactine. It won't hurt. Joey: Sorry, that was wax. Phoebe: Oh, poor little Tooty is scared to death. We should find his owner. Ross: Why don't we just put 'poor little Tooty' out in the hall? Rachel: During a blackout? He'd get trampled! Ross: Yeah? Chandler: You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection. 'Gum would be perfection'? 'Gum would be perfection.' Could have said 'gum would be nice,' or 'I'll have a stick,' but no, no, no, no. For me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself. Phoebe: Oh no, the Mendels, they hate all living things, right? Rachel: Oh. Hi. We just found this cat and we're looking for the owner. Mr. Heckles: Er, yeah, it's mine. Phoebe: He seems to hate you. Are you sure? Mr. Heckles: Yeah, it's my cat. Give me my cat. Phoebe: Wait a minute. What's his name? Mr. Heckles: Ehhhh... B-Buttons. Rachel: Bob Buttons? Mr. Heckles: Mmm. Bob Buttons. Here, Bob Buttons. Phoebe: Oooh! You are a very bad man! Mr. Heckles: You owe me a cat. Rachel: Here, kitty-kitty. Here kitty-kitty. Where did you go, little kitty-kitty-kitty? Here kitty-kitty-kitty-kitty... Paolo: Rachel: Wow. Ross: Lucky sixes.... Rachel: Everybody, this is Paolo. Paolo, I want you to meet my friends. This is Monica. Monica: Hi! Rachel: And Joey.... Monica: Hi! Rachel: And Ross. Monica: Hi! Paolo: Rachel: He doesn't speak much English. Paolo: Monopoly! Rachel: Look at that! Ross: So, um... where did Paolo come from? Rachel: Oh... Italy, I think. Ross: No, I mean tonight, in the building. Suddenly. Into our lives. Rachel: Well, the cat... the cat turned out to be Paolo's cat! Ross: That, that is funny... .... and Rachel keeps touching him. Phoebe: Alright. I looked all over the building and I couldn't find the kitty anywhere. Rachel: Oh, I found him. He was Paolo's cat. Phoebe: Ah! Well! There you go! Last to know again! And I'm guessing... since nobody told me... this is Paolo. Rachel: Ah, Paolo, this is Phoebe. Paolo: Phoebe: You betcha! Chandler: Ah, let's see. What next? Blow a bubble. A bubble's good. It's got a... boyish charm, it's impish. Here we go. Chandler: Nice going, imp. OK, it's OK. All I need to do is reach over and put it in my mouth. Chandler: Good save! We're back on track, and I'm... ..chewing someone else's gum. This is not my gum. Oh my God! Oh my God! And now you're choking. Jill: Are you alright? Jill: My God, you're choking! That better? Chandler: Yes... thank you. That was... that was.... Jill: Perfection? Paolo: Ross: Blah blah blah, blah blah blah... blah blaaaaaah.... Ross: Wha-What did he say that was so funny? Rachel: I have absolutely no idea. Ross: That's... that's classic. Rachel: Oh my God, you guys, what am I doing? What am I doing? This is so un-me! Monica: If you want, I'll do it. Phoebe: I know, I just want to bite his bottom lip. But I won't. Rachel: God, the first time he smiled at me... those three seconds were more exciting than three weeks in Bermuda with Barry. Phoebe: You know, did you ride mopeds? 'Cause I've heard... ... oh, I see... it's not about that right now. OK. Rachel: Y'know, I know it's totally superficial and we have absolutely nothing in common, and we don't even speak the same language but Goooooooddddddd.... Ross: Paolo. Hi. Paolo: Ross! Ross: Listen. Um, listen. Something you should... know... um, Rachel and I... we're kind of a thing. Paolo: Thing? Ross: Thing, yes. Thing. Paolo: Ah, you... have the sex? Ross: No, no, no. Technically the... sex is not... being had, but that's... see, that's not the point. See, um, the point is that... Rachel and I should be, er, together. You know, and if you get in the.... um... Paolo: Bed? Ross: No, no, that's not where I was going. Er, if you get in the... way, of us becoming a thing, then I would be, well, very sad. Paolo: Oh! Ross: Yeah! Se vice? Paolo: Si. Ross: So you do know a little English. Paolo: Poco... a leetle. Ross: Do you know the word crapweasel? Paolo: No. Ross: That's funny, because you know, you are a huge crapweasel! Jill: Chandler, we've been here for an hour doing this! Now watch, it's easy. Chandler: OK. Jill: Ready? Jill: No, you've got to whip it. Phoebe: Oh, look look look. The last candle's about to burn out. 10, 9, 8, 7... Ross: Thank you. Phoebe: Thanks. Ross: Kinda... spooky without any lights. Joey: Bwah-hah-hah! Ross: OK, guys, guys? I have the definitive one. Mwwwooooo-hah-hah... Ross: Oh.. oh... oh. Joey: Hey Ross. This probably isn't the best time to bring it up, but you have to throw a party for Monica. Jill: Well, this has been fun. Chandler: Yes. Yes, thanks for letting me use your phone... and for saving my life. Jill: Well, goodbye Chandler. I had a great blackout. See ya. Chandler: Hi, um, I'm account number 7143457. And, uh, I don't know if you got any of that, but I would really like a copy of the tape. End Written by: Marta Kaufmann & David Crane Transcribed by: guineapig With Help From: Rachel Stigge [Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is on a coffee break.   Shelley enters.) Shelley: Hey gorgeous, how's it going? Chandler: Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights... does it get better than this? Shelley: Question. You're not dating anybody, are you, because I met somebody who would be perfect for you. Chandler: Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said 'co-dependent', or 'self-destructive'... Shelley: Do you want a date Saturday? Chandler: Yes please. Shelley: Okay. He's cute, he's funny, he's- Chandler: He's a he? Shelley: Well yeah! ...Oh God. I- just- I thought- Good, Shelley. I'm just gonna go flush myself down the toilet now... Okay, goodbye... Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there.) Chandler: ...Couldn't enjoy a cup of noodles after that. I mean, is that ridiculous? Can you believe she actually thought that? Rachel: Um... yeah. Well, I mean, when I first met you, y'know, I thought maybe, possibly, you might be... Chandler: You did? Rachel: Yeah, but then you spent Phoebe's entire birthday party talking to my breasts, so then I figured maybe not. Chandler: Huh. Did, uh... any of the rest of you guys think that when you first met me? Monica: I did. Phoebe: Yeah, I think so, yeah. Joey: Not me. Ross: Nono, me neither. Although, uh, y'know, back in college, Susan Sallidor did. Chandler: You're kidding! Did you tell her I wasn't? Ross: No. No, it's just 'cause, uh, I kinda wanted to go out with her too, so I told her, actually, you were seeing Bernie Spellman... who also liked her, so... Chandler: Well, this is fascinating. So, uh, what is it about me? Phoebe: I dunno, 'cause you're smart, you're funny... Chandler: Ross is smart and funny, d'you ever think that about him? All: Yeah! Right! Chandler: WHAT IS IT?! Monica: Okay, I-I d'know, you-you just- you have a quality. All: Yes. Absolutely. A quality. Chandler: Oh, oh, a quality, good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this. Monica: Hello? Hello? Oh! Rachel, it's Paolo calling from Rome. Rachel: Oh my God! Calling from Rome! Bon giorno, caro mio. Ross: So he's calling from Rome. I could do that. Just gotta go to Rome. Rachel: Monica, your dad just beeped in, but can you make it quick? Talking to Rome. I'm talking to Rome. Monica: Hey dad, what's up? Oh God. Ross, it's Nana. [Scene: The Hospital, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are there, along with Aunt Lillian. Ross and Monica enter and everyone says hi and kisses.) Ross: So, uh, how's she doing? Aunt Lillian: The doctor says it's a matter of hours. Monica: How-how are you, Mom? Mrs. Geller: Me? I'm fine, fine. I'm glad you're here. ...What's with your hair? Monica: What? Mrs. Geller: What's different? Monica: Nothing. Mrs. Geller: Oh, maybe that's it. Monica: She is unbelievable, our mother is... Ross: Okay, relax, relax. We are gonna be here for a while, it looks like, and we still have boyfriends and your career to cover. Monica: Oh God! Monica: The fuzzy little mints at the bottom of her purse. Ross: Oh! ...Yeah, they were gross. Oh, you know what I loved? Her Sweet 'n' Los. How she was always stealing them from- from restaurants. Mr. Geller: Not just restaurants, from our house. Nurse: Mrs. Geller? Ross: She looks so small. Monica: I know. Ross: Well, at least she's with Pop-Pop and Aunt Phyllis now. Monica: G'bye, Nana. Ross: Bye, Nana. Monica: Ross! Mrs. Geller: What is going on?! Ross: Y'know how-how the nurse said that-that Nana had passed? Well, she's not, quite.. Mrs. Geller: What? Ross: She's not- past, she's present, she's back. Aunt Lillian: What's going on? Mr. Geller: She may have died. Aunt Lillian: She may have died? Mr. Geller: We're looking into it. Ross: I, uh, I'll go see. Nurse: This almost never happens! Ross: Now she's passed. Chandler: I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair? Rachel: Yes, Chandler, that's exactly what it is. It's your hair. Phoebe: Yeah, you have homosexual hair. Rachel: So, um, did she... Ross: Twice. Joey: Twice? Phoebe: Oh, that sucks! Joey: You guys okay? Ross: I dunno, it's weird. I mean, I know she's gone, but I just don't feel, uh... Phoebe: Maybe that's 'cause she's not really gone. Ross: Nono, she's gone. Monica: We checked. A lot. Phoebe: Hm, I mean maybe no-one ever really goes. Ever since my mom died, every now and then, I get the feeling that she's like right here, y'know? Oh! And Debbie, my best friend from junior high- got struck by lightning on a miniature golf course- I always get this really strong Debbie vibe whenever I use one of those little yellow pencils, y'know? ...I miss her. Rachel: Aw. Hey, Pheebs, want this? Phoebe: Thanks! Rachel: Sure. I just sharpened her this morning. Joey: Now, see, I don't believe any of that. I think once you're dead, you're dead! You're gone! You're worm food! ...So Chandler looks gay, huh? Phoebe: Y'know, I dunno who this is, but it's not Debbie. Ross: I thought it was gonna be a closed casket. Mrs. Geller: Well, that doesn't mean she can't look nice! Mrs. Geller: Sweetie, you think you can get in there? Ross: I don't see why not. Ross: Here's my retainer! Mr. Geller: I was just thinking. When my time comes- Monica: Dad! Mr. Geller: Listen to me! When my time comes, I wanna be buried at sea. Monica: You what? Mr. Geller: I wanna be buried at sea, it looks like fun. Monica: Define fun. Mr. Geller: C'mon, you'll make a day of it! You'll rent a boat, pack a lunch... Monica: ...And then we throw your body in the water... Gee, that does sound fun. Mr. Geller: Everyone thinks they know me. Everyone says 'Jack Geller, so predictable'. Maybe after I'm gone, they'll say 'Buried at sea! Huh!'. Monica: That's probably what they'll say. Mr. Geller: I'd like that. Chandler: Hey, gorgeous. Shelley: Hey. Look, I'm sorry about yesterday, I, um- Chandler: No, nono, don't- don't worry about it. Believe me, apparently other people have made the same mistake. Shelley: Oh! Okay! Phew! Chandler: So, uh... what do you think it is about me? Shelley: I dunno, uh... you just have a-a... Chandler: ...Quality, right, great. Shelley: Y'know, it's a shame, because you and Lowell would've made a great couple. Chandler: Lowell? Financial Services' Lowell, that's who you saw me with? Shelley: What? He's cute! Chandler: Well, yeah... 's'no Brian in Payroll. Shelley: Is Brian...? Chandler: No! Uh, I d'know! The point is, if you were gonna set me up with someone, I'd like to think you'd set me up with someone like him. Shelley: Well, I think Brian's a little out of your league. Chandler: Excuse me? You don't think I could get a Brian? Because I could get a Brian. Believe you me. ...I'm really not. Ross: This one? Aunt Lillian: No. Ross: I have shown you everything we have. Unless you want your mother to spend eternity in a lemon yellow pant-suit, go with the burgundy. Aunt Lillian: You know, whatever we pick, she would've told us it's the wrong one. Mrs. Geller: You're right. We'll go with the burgundy. Ross: Oh! A fine choice. I'm coming out. Aunt Lillian: Wait! We need shoes! Ross: Okay. Um, how about these? Mrs. Geller: That's really a day shoe. Ross: And where she's going everyone else'll be dressier? Aunt Lillian: Could we see something in a slimmer heel? Ross: Okay, I have nothing in an evening shoe in the burgundy. I can show you something in a silver that may work. Aunt Lillian: No, it really should be burgundy. Mrs. Geller: Mm. Unless we go with a different dress? Ross: No! Nonono, wait a sec. I may have something in the back. Ross: Oh my God.. Mrs. Geller: Is everything all right, dear? Ross: Yeah, just... just Nana stuff. Commercial Break Ross: How we doing, you guys ready? Monica: Mom already called this morning to remind me not to wear my hair up. Did you know my ears are not my best feature? Ross: Some days it's all I can think about. Phoebe: Hi, sorry I'm late, I couldn't find my bearings. Rachel: Oh, you-you mean your earrings? Phoebe: What'd I say? Rachel: Hm-m. Monica: Are these the shoes? Rachel: Yes. Paolo sent them from Italy. Ross: What, we-uh- we don't have shoes here, or...? Joey: Morning. We ready to go? Chandler: Well, don't we look nice all dressed up?...It's stuff like that, isn't it? Monica: It was a really beautiful service. Mrs. Geller: It really was. Oh, c'mere, sweetheart. Y'know, I think it might be time for you to start using night cream. Joey: What? Chandler: Nothing, just your overcoat sounds remarkably like Brent Mussberger. Joey: Check it out, Giants-Cowboys. Chandler: You're watching a football game at a funeral? Joey: No, it's the pre-game. I'm gonna watch it at the reception. Chandler: You are a frightening, frightening man. Rachel: Oh no! My new Paolo shoes! Ross: Oh, I hope they're not ruined. Phoebe: God, what a great day. ...What? Weather-wise! Ross: I know, uh, the air, the-the trees... even though Nana's gone there's, there's something almost, uh- I dunno, almost life-aff- All: God! Ross! Ross: I'm fine. Just-just... having my worst fear realised... Phoebe: Okay, don't worry, I'm just checking to see if the muscle's in spasm...huh. Ross: What, what is it? Phoebe: You missed a belt loop. Ross: Oh! No-n- Phoebe: Okay, it's in spasm. Mrs. Geller: Here, sweetie, here. I took these when I had my golfing accident. Chandler: Oh, no- Andrea: Sorry- Hi, I'm Dorothy's daughter. Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler, and I have no idea who Dorothy is. Phoebe: Hey, look who's up! How do you feel? Ross: I feel great. I feel- great, I fleel great. Monica: Wow, those pills really worked, huh? Ross: Not the first two, but the second two- woooo! ...I love you guys. You guys are the greatest. I love my sister Phoebe: Ooh! That's so nice... Ross: ...Chandler! Chandler: Hey. Ross: And listen, man, if you wanna be gay, be gay. Doesn't matter to me. Andrea: Ross: Rachel. Rachel Rachel. I love you the most. Rachel: Oh, well you know who I love the most? Ross: No. Rachel: You! Ross: Oh.. you don't get it! Mr. Geller: Whaddya got there? Joey: Just a, uh... hearing disability. Mr. Geller: What's the score? Joey: Seventeen-fourteen Giants... three minutes to go in the third. Mr. Geller: Beautiful! Rachel: Pheebs, could you maybe hand me a cracker? Mrs. Geller: Your grandmother would have hated this. Monica: Well, sure, what with it being her funeral and all. Mrs. Geller: No, I'd be hearing about 'Why didn't I get the honey-glazed ham?', I didn't spend enough on flowers, and if I spent more she'd be saying 'Why are you wasting your money? I don't need flowers, I'm dead'. Monica: That sounds like Nana. Mrs. Geller: Do you know what it's like to grow up with someone who is critical of every single thing you say? Monica: ...I can imagine. Mrs. Geller: I'm telling you, it's a wonder your mother turned out to be the positive, life-affirming person that she is. Monica: That is a wonder. So tell me something, Mom. If you had to do it all over again, I mean, if she was here right now, would you tell her? Mrs. Geller: Tell her what? Monica: How she drove you crazy, picking on every little detail, like your hair... for example. Mrs. Geller: I'm not sure I know what you're getting at. Monica: Do you think things would have been better if you'd just told her the truth? Mrs. Geller: ...No. I think some things are better left unsaid. I think it's nicer when people just get along. Monica: Huh. Mrs. Geller: More wine, dear? Monica: Oh, I think so. Mrs. Geller: Those earrings look really lovely on you. Monica: Thank you. They're yours. Mrs. Geller: Actually they were Nana's. Mr. Geller: Now I'm depressed! ... Even more than I was. Rachel: Hey, who's this little naked guy? Ross: That little naked guy would be me. Rachel: Aww, look at the little thing. Ross: Yes, yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be grown-ups now? Chandler: Who are those people? Ross: Got me. Monica: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the middle. 'Me and the gang at Java Joe's'. Rachel: Wow, Monica, you look just like your grandmother. How old was she there? Monica: Let's see, 1939... yeah, 24, 25? Ross: Looks like a fun gang. Joey: Ooh, look-look-look-look-look! I got Monica naked! Ross: Nono, that would be me again. I'm, uh, just trying something. Closing Credits Chandler: Hey, Lowell. Lowell: Hey, Chandler. Chandler: So how's it going there in Financial Services? Lowell: It's like Mardi Gras without the paper mache heads. How 'bout you? Chandler: Good, good. Listen, heh, I dunno what Shelley told you about me, but, uh... I'm not. Lowell: I know. That's what I told her. Chandler: Really. Lowell: Yeah. Chandler: So- you can tell? Lowell: Pretty much, most of the time. We have a kind of... radar. Chandler: So you don't think I have a, a quality? Lowell: Speaking for my people, I'd have to say no. By the way, your friend Brian from Payroll, he is. Chandler: He is? Lowell: Yup, and waaay out of your league. Chandler: Out of my league. I could get a Brian. Hey, Brian. End Rachel: Terry, I, I, I know that I haven't worked here very long, but I was wondering, do you think it would be possible if I got a $100 advance in my salary? Terry: An advance? Rachel: It's so that I can spend Thanksgiving with my family. See, every year we go skiing in Vail, and normally my father pays for my ticket, but I sort of started the whole independence thing, you know, which is actually why I took this job. Terry: Rachel, Rachel, sweetheart. You're a terrible, terrible waitress. Really, really awful. Rachel: Ok, I, I hear what you're sayin'. I'm with you. Um, but I, but I'm trying really hard. And I think I'm doing better. I really do. Does anybody need coffee? Oh, look at that. Rachel: Excuse me, sir. Hi, you come in here all time. I was just wondering, do you think there's a possibility that you could give me an advance on my tips? Guy: Huh? Rachel: Ok, ok, that's fine. Fine. Hey, I'm sorry about that spill before. Only $98.50 to go. Monica: Hey. Ross, did you know Mom and Dad are going to Puerto Rico for Thanksgiving? Ross: No, they're not. Monica: Yes, they are. The Blymens invited them. Ross: You're wrong. Monica: I am not wrong. Ross: You're wrong. Monica: No, I just talked to them. Ross: I'm calling Mom. Joey: Hey, hey. Chandler: Hey. Phoebe: Hey. Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department. Are you wearing makeup? Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model. Chandler: That's so funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman. Phoebe: What were you modeling for? Joey: You know those posters for the city free clinic? Monica: Oh, wow, so you're gonna be one of those "healthy, healthy, healthy guys"? Phoebe: You know, the asthma guy was really cute. Chandler: Do you know which one you're gonna be? Joey: No, but I hear lyme disease is open, so... Chandler: Good luck, man. I hope you get it. Joey: Thanks. Ross: Well, you were right. How can they do this to us, huh? It's Thanksgiving. Monica: Ok, I'll tell you what. How about I cook dinner at my place? I'll make it just like Mom's. Ross: Will you make the mashed potatoes with the lumps? Monica: You know, they're not actually supposed to have... I'll work on the lumps. Joey, you're going home, right? Joey: Yeah. Monica: And I assume, Chandler, you are still boycotting all the pilgrim holidays. Chandler: Yes, every single one of them. Monica: Phoebe, you're gonna be with your grandma? Phoebe: Yes, and her boyfriend. But we're celebrating Thanksgiving in December 'cause he is lunar. Monica: So you're free Thursday, then. Phoebe: Yeah. Oh, can I come? Monica: Yeah. Rach, are you thinking you're gonna make it to Vail? Rachel: Absolutely. Shoop, shoop, shoop. Only a hundred and two dollars to go. Chandler: I thought it was $98.50. Rachel: Yeah, well it was. I, I broke a cup. Ross: Well, I'm off to Carol's. Phoebe: Ooh, ooh! Why don't we invite her? Ross: Ooh, ooh. Because she's my ex-wife, and will probably want to bring her, ooh, ooh, lesbian life partner. Ross: Hi, is uh, is Carol here? Susan: No, she's at a faculty meeting. Ross: Oh, I uh, just came by to pick up my skull. Well, not mine, but...Susan: Come in. Ross: Thanks. Yeah, Carol borrowed it for a class, and I have to get it back to the museum. Susan: What's it look like? Ross: Kinda like a big face without skin. Susan: Yes, I'm familiar with the concept. We can just look for it. Ross: Ok. Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about bein' a lesbian. Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise, they don't let you do it. Ross: Hey, hey, Yertle the Turtle. A classic. Susan: Actually, I'm reading it to the baby. Ross: The uh, the baby that hasn't been born yet? Wouldn't that mean you're... crazy? Susan: What, you don't think they can hear sounds in there? Ross: You're not serious, I mean, you really... you really talk to it? Susan: Yeah, all the time. I want the baby to know my voice. Ross: Do you uh, do you talk about me? Susan: Yeah, yeah, all the time. Ross: Really? Susan: But um, we just refer to you as Bobo the Sperm Guy. Ross: Look, if she's talking to it, I just think that I should get some belly time too. Not that I believe any of this. Phoebe: Oh, I believe it. I think the baby can totally hear everything. I can show you. Look, this will seem a little weird, but you put your head inside this turkey, and then we'll all talk, and you'll hear everything we say. Chandler: I'd just like to say that I'm totally behind this experiment. In fact, I'd very much like to butter your head. Monica: Hey, Rach, did you make your money? Rachel: No, not even close. Forget Vail, forget seeing my family, forget shoop, shoop, shoop. Monica: Rach, here's your mail. Rachel: Thanks, you can just put it on the table. Monica: No, here's your mail. Rachel: Thanks, you can just put it on the table. Monica: Would you just open it? Rachel: Oh my god, oh, you guys are great. Monica: We all chipped in. Joey: We did? Monica: You owe me 20 bucks. Rachel: Thank you. Thank you so much! Monica: Chandler, here you go, got your traditional Thanksgiving feast, you got your tomato soup, your grilled cheese fixin's, and your family size bag of Funyuns. Rachel: Wait, wait, Chandler, this is what you're havin' for Thanksgiving dinner? What, what, what is it with you and this holiday? Chandler: All right, I'm nine years old. Ross: Oh, I hate this story. Chandler: We just finished this magnificent Thanksgiving dinner. I have--and I remember this part vividly--a mouthful of pumpkin pie, and this is the moment my parents choose to tell me they're getting divorced. Rachel: Oh my god. Chandler: Yes. It's very difficult to appreciate a Thanksgiving dinner once you've seen it in reverse. Joey: Uh, hi. We uh, we used to work together. Girl: We did? Joey: Yeah, at Macy's. You were the Obsession girl, right? I was the Aramis guy. Aramis? Aramis? Girl: Yeah, right. Joey: I gotta tell you. You're the best in the business. Girl: Get out. Joey: I'm serious. You're amazing. You know when to spritz, when to lay back. Girl: Really? You don't know what that means to me. Joey: Ooh, you smell great tonight. What're you wearing? Girl: Nothing. Joey: Listen, uh, you wanna go get a drink or something? Girl: Yeah. Oh. Joey: What's wrong? Girl: I just remembered, I have to do something. Joey: Oh. What? Girl: Um, leave. Joey: Wait, wait, wait! Joey: So I guess you all saw it. Rachel: Saw what? Phoebe: No, we were just laughing. You know, how laughter can be infectious. Joey: Set another place for Thanksgiving. My entire family thinks I have VD. Chandler: Tonight, on a very special Blossom. Monica: Mmm, looking good. Ok, cider's mulling, turkey's turking, yams are yamming. What? Ross: I don't know. It's just not the same without Mom in the kitchen. Monica: All right, that's it. You know what? Just get out of my way and stop moping. Ross: That's closer. Rachel: I got the tickets! I got the tickets! Five hours from now, shoop, shoop, shoop. Chandler: Oh, you must stop shooping. Rachel: Ok, I'm gonna get my stuff. Joey: Chandler, will you just come in already? Chandler: No, I prefer to keep a safe distance from all this merriment. Phoebe: Look out, incoming pumpkin pie! Chandler: Ok, we all laughed when you did it with the stuffing, but that's not funny anymore. Joey: Hey, Monica, I got a question. I don't see any tater tots. Monica: That's not a question. Joey: But my mom always makes them. It's like a tradition. You get a little piece of turkey on your fork, a little cranberry sauce, and a tot! It's bad enough I can't be with my family because of my disease. Monica: All right, fine. Tonight's potatoes will be both mashed with lumps, and in the form of tots. Ross: Ok, I'm off to talk to my unborn child. Monica: Ah! Ross: Ok, Mom never hit. Phoebe: Ok, all done. Monica: What, Phoebe, did you whip the potatoes? Ross needs lumps! Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, oh, I just, I thought we could have them whipped and then add some peas and onions. Monica: Why would we do that? Phoebe: Well, 'cause then they'd be like my mom used to make them, you know, before she died. Monica: Ok, three kinds of potatoes coming up. Rachel: Ok, good-bye you guys. Thanks for everything. Oh, sorry! Oh, sorry! Chandler: The most unbelievable thing has happened. Underdog has just gotten away. Joey: The balloon? Chandler: No, no, the actual cartoon character. Of course the balloon. It's all over the news. Right before he reached Macy's, he broke free and was spotted flying over Washington Square Park. I'm goin' to the roof, who's with me? Rachel: I can't, I gotta go. Chandler: Come on. An 80-foot inflatable dog let loose over the city. How often does that happen? Phoebe: Almost never. Monica: Got the keys? or Got the keys! Rachel: Ok. Carol: Anytime you're ready. Ross: Ok, ok, here we go. Ok, where am I talking to, here? I mean, uh, well, there is one way that seems to offer a certain acoustical advantage, but... Carol: Just aim for the bump. Ross: Ok, ok, ok, ok, here goes. You know, I, you know, can't do this. Uh, this is too weird. I feel stupid. Carol: So don't do it, it's fine. You don't have to do it just because Susan does it. Ross: Hello, baby. Hello, hello. Rachel: I loved the moment when you first saw the giant dog shadow all over the park. Phoebe: Yeah, but did they have to shoot him down? I mean, that was just mean. Monica: Ok, right about now the turkey should be crispy on the outside, juicy on the inside. Why are we standing here? Rachel: We're waiting for you to open the door. You got the keys. Monica: No I don't. Rachel: Yes, you do. When we left, you said, "got the keys." Monica: No I didn't. I asked, "got the ke-eys?" Rachel: No, no, no, you said, "got the keys". Chandler: Do either of you have the keys? Monica: The oven is on. Rachel: Oh, I gotta get my ticket! Joey: Wait, wait, we have a copy of your key. Monica: Well then get it, get it! Joey: That tone will not make me go any faster. Monica: Joey! Joey: That one will. Ross: And everyone's telling me, you gotta pick a major, you gotta pick a major. So, on a dare, I picked paleontology. And you have no idea what I'm saying, because, let's face it, you're a fetus. You're just happy you don't have gills anymore. Carol: Look, you don't have to talk to it. You can sing to it if you want. Ross: Oh, please. I am not singing to your stomach, ok? Susan: Hi, how's it goin? Ross: Shh! Hey, uh, did you just feel that? Carol: I did. Ross: Does it always, uh--? Carol: No, no that was the first. Susan: Keep singing! Keep singing! Ross: Hey, hey, you're my baby, and I can't wait to meet you. When you come out I'll buy you a bagel, and then we'll go to the zoo. Susan: I felt it! Ross: Hey, hey, I'm your daddy. I'm the one without any breasts. Joey: Nope, not that one. Monica: Can you go any faster with that? Joey: Hey, I got one keyhole and about a zillion keys. You do the math. Monica: Why do you guys have so many keys in there anyway? Chandler: For an emergency just like this. Rachel: right now. But I'm not. Monica: I swear you said you had the keys. Rachel: No, I didn't. I wouldn't say I had the keys unless I had the keys, and I obviously didn't have the keys. Phoebe: Ooh, ok, that's it. Enough with the keys. No one say keys. Monica: Why would I have the keys? Rachel: Aside from the fact that you said you had them? Monica: But I didn't. Rachel: Well, you should have. Monica: Why? Rachel: Because! Monica: Why? Rachel: Because! Monica: Why? Because everything is my responsibility? Isn't it enough that I'm making Thanksgiving dinner for everyone? You know, everyone wants a different kind of potatoes, so I'm making different kinds of potatoes. Does anybody care what kind of potatoes I want? Nooooo, no, no! Just as long as Phoebe gets her peas and onions, and Mario gets his tots, and it's my first Thanksgiving, and it's all burned, and, and I... I... Chandler: Ok, Monica, only dogs can hear you now, so, look, the door's open. Here we go. Monica: Well, the turkey's burnt. Potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined. Ross: Here we come, walkin' down the—this doesn't smell like Mom's. Monica: No, it doesn't, does it? But you wanted lumps, Ross? Well, here you go, buddy, ya got one. Rachel: Oh, god, this is great! The plane is gone, so it looks like I'm stuck here with you guys. Joey: Hey, we all had better plans. This was nobody's first choice. Monica: Oh, really? So why was I busting my ass to make this delicious Thanksgiving dinner? Joey: You call that delicious? Monica: Stop it, stop it, stop it! Chandler: Now this feels like Thanksgiving. Phoebe: Ooh. Rachel: What? Phoebe: Ugly Naked Guy's taking his turkey out of the oven. Oh my god. He's not alone. Ugly Naked Guy's having Thanksgiving dinner with Ugly Naked Gal. Joey: I've gotta see this. All right Ugly Naked Guy! Monica: Ooh, Ugly Naked Dancing! Phoebe: It's nice that he has someone. Chandler: Shall I carve? Rachel: By all means. Chandler: Ok, who wants light cheese, and who wants dark cheese? Ross: I don't even wanna know about the dark cheese. Monica: Does anybody wanna split this with me? Joey: Oh, I will. Phoebe: Ooh, you guys have to make a wish. Monica: Make a wish? Phoebe: Come on, you know, Thanksgiving. Ooh, you got the bigger half. What'd you wish for? Joey: The bigger half. Chandler: I'd like to propose a toast. Little toast here, ding ding. I know this isn't the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if you'd gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been with your family, if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked. All: That's so sweet. Ross: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas. Rachel: And a crappy New Year. Chandler: Here, here! [Scene: The Subway, Joey sees his poster and he peels off the caption on his poster, revealing more posters underneath. The captions read, as follows: Bladder Control Problem Stop Wife Beating Hemorrhoids? Winner of 3 Tony Awards... He's finally happy with that and walks away.] End Ross: Guys? There's a somebody I'd like you to meet. All: Oooh! Monica: W-wait. What is that? Ross: 'That' would be Marcel. You wanna say hi? Monica: No, no, I don't. Rachel: Oh, he is precious! Where did you get him? Ross: My friend Bethel rescued him from some lab. Phoebe: That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent name their child Bethel? Chandler: Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on its ass! Monica: Ross, is he gonna live with you, like, in your apartment? Ross: Yeah. I mean, it's been kinda quiet since Carol left, so... Monica: Why don't you just get a roommate? Ross: Nah, I dunno... I think you reach a certain age, having a roommate is kinda pathe- ....sorry, that's, that's 'pathet', which is Sanskrit for 'really cool way to live'. Opening Credits Phoebe: So you guys, I'm doing all new material tonight. I have twelve new songs about my mother's suicide, and one about a snowman. Chandler: Might wanna open with the snowman. All: Hey, Joey. Hey, buddy. Monica: So, how'd it go? Joey: Ahhhhhh, I didn't get the job. Ross: How could you not get it? You were Santa last year. Joey: I dunno. Some fat guy's sleeping with the store manager. He's not even jolly, it's all political. Monica: So what are you gonna be? Joey: Ah, I'm gonna be one of his helpers. It's just such a slap in the face, y'know? Rachel: Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's? Gee, what?! What is wrong with New Year's? Chandler: Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops!! Man, I'm talking loud! Rachel: Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be in Rome this New Year, so I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you. Phoebe: Yeah, you wish! Chandler: It's just that I'm sick of being a victim of this Dick Clark holiday. I say this year, no dates, we make a pact. Just the six of us- dinner. All: Yeah, okay. Alright. Chandler: Y'know, I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm. All: Woooo! Yeah! Rachel: Phoebe, you're on. Phoebe: Oh, oh, good. Rachel: Okay, hi. Ladies and gentlemen, back by popular demand, Miss Phoebe Buffay. Wooh! Phoebe: I made a man with eyes of coal And a smile so bewitchin', How was I supposed to know That my mom was dead in the kitchen? La lalala la la la la lalala la la... Phoebe: ...My mother's ashes Even her eyelashes Are resting in a little yellow jar, And sometimes when it's breezy... Phoebe: ...I feel a little sneezy And now I- Excuse me, excuse me! Yeah, noisy boys! Is it something that you would like to share with the entire group? Max: No. No, that's- that's okay. Phoebe: Well, c'mon, if it's important enough to discuss while I'm playing, then I assume it's important enough for everyone else to hear! Chandler: That guy's going home with a note! David: Noth- I was- I was just saying to my- Phoebe: Could you speak up please? David: Sorry, I wa- I was just saying to my friend that I thought you were the most beautiful woman that I'd ever seen in my- in my life. And then he said that- you said you thought Max: Daryl Hannah. David: Daryl Hannah was the most beautiful woman that he'd ever seen in his life and I said yeah, I liked her in Splash, a lot, but not so much in- in Wall Street, I thought she had kind of a Max: Hard quality. David: -hard quality. And uh, while Daryl Hannah is beautiful in a conventional way, you are luminous with a kind of a delicate grace. Then, uh, that-that-that's when you started yelling. Phoebe: Okay, we're gonna take a short break. Joey: Hey, that guy's going home with more than a note! Ross: Come here, Marcel. Sit here. Rachel: Pheebs, I can't believe he hasn't kissed you yet. I mean God, by my sixth date with Paolo, I mean he had already named both my breasts! ...Ooh. Did I just share too much? Ross: Just a smidge. Phoebe: David's like, y'know, Scientist Guy. He's very methodical. Monica: I think it's romantic. Phoebe: Me too! Oh! Did you ever see An Officer and a Gentleman? Rachel: Yeah! Phoebe: Well, he's kinda like the guy I went to see that with. Except, except he-he's smarter, and gentler, and sweeter... I just- I just wanna be with him all the time. Day and night, and night and day... and special occasions... Chandler: Wait a minute, wait a minute, I see where this is going, you're gonna ask him to New Year's, aren't you. You're gonna break the pact. She's gonna break the pact. Phoebe: No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, could I just? Chandler: Yeah, 'cause I already asked Janice. Monica: What?! Ross: C'mon, this was a pact! This was your pact! Chandler: I snapped, okay? I couldn't handle the pressure and I snapped. Monica: Yeah, but Janice? That-that was like the worst breakup in history! Chandler: I'm not saying it was a good idea, I'm saying I snapped! Joey: Hi. Hi, sorry I'm late. Chandler: Too many jokes... must mock Joey! Joey: Nice shoes, huh? Chandler: Aah, y'killing me! Monica: Ross! He's playing with my spatulas again! Ross: Okay, look, he's not gonna hurt them, right? Monica: Do you always have to bring him here? Ross: I didn't wanna leave him alone. Alright? We- we had our first fight this morning. I think it has to do with my working late. I said some things that I didn't mean, and he- he threw some faeces... Chandler: Y'know, if you're gonna work late, I could look in on him for you. Ross: Oh, that'd be great! Okay, but if you do, make sure it seems like you're there to see him, okay, and you're not like doing it as a favour to me. Chandler: Okay, but if he asks, I'm not going to lie. David: ...But, you can't actually test this theory, because today's particle accelerators are nowhere near powerful enough to simulate these conditions. Phoebe: Okay, alright, I have a question, then. David: Yuh. Phoebe: Um, were you planning on kissing me ever? David: Uh, that's definitely a, uh, valid question. And, uh, the answer would be yes. Yes I was. But, see, I wanted it to be this phenomenal kiss that happened at this phenomenal moment, because, well, 'cause it's you. Phoebe: Sure. David: Right. But, see, the longer I waited, the more phenomenal the kiss had to be, and now we've reached a place where it's just gotta be one of those things where I just like... sweep everything off the table and throw you down on it. And, uh, I'm not really a, uh, sweeping sorta fella. Phoebe: Oh, David, I, I think you are a sweeping sorta fella. I mean, you're a sweeper! ...trapped inside a physicist's body. David: Rrrreally. Phoebe: Oh, yeah, oh, I'm sure of it. You should just do it, just sweep and throw me. David: ...Now? Now? Phoebe: Oh yeah, right now. David: Okay, okay, okay. Phoebe: Okay, now you're just kinda tidying. David: Okay, what the hell, what the hell. You want me to actually throw you or you-you wanna just hop? Phoebe: I can hop. Ross: So tell me something. What does the phrase 'no date pact' mean to you? Monica: I'm sorry, okay. It's just that Chandler has somebody, and Phoebe has somebody- I thought I'd ask Fun Bobby. Chandler: Fun Bobby? Your ex-boyfriend Fun Bobby? Monica: Yeah. Joey: You know more than one Fun Bobby? Chandler: I happen to know a Fun Bob. Rachel: Okay, here we go... Joey: Ooh ooh ooh ooh, there's no room for milk! Rachel: There. Now there is. Ross: Okay, so on our no-date evening, three of you now have dates. Joey: Uh, four. Ross: Four. Rachel: Five. Ross: Five. Rachel: Sorry. Paolo's catching an earlier flight. Joey: Yeah, and I met this really hot single mom at the store. What's an elf to do? Ross: Okay, so I'm gonna be the only one standing there alone when the ball drops? Rachel: Oh, c'mon. We'll have, we'll have a big party, and no-one'll know who's with who. Ross: Hey, y'know, this is so not what I needed right now. Monica: What's the matter? Ross: Oh, it's-it's Marcel. He keeps shutting me out, y'know? He's walking around all the time dragging his hands... Chandler: That's so weird, I had such a blast with him the other night. Ross: Really. Chandler: Yeah, we played, we watched TV.. that juggling thing is amazing. Ross: What, uh... what juggling thing? Chandler: With the balled-up socks? I figured you taught him that. Ross: No. Chandler: Y'know, it wasn't that big a deal. He just balled up socks... and a melon... Max: Phoebe. Hi. Phoebe: Oh, hi Max! Hey, do you know everybody? Max: No. Have you seen David? Phoebe: No, no, he hasn't been around. Max: Well, if you see him, tell him to pack his bags. We are going to Minsk. Phoebe: Minsk? Max: Minsk. It's in Russia. Phoebe: I know where Minsk is. Max: We got the grant. Three years, all expenses paid. Phoebe: So when, when do you leave? Max: January first. Commercial Break Phoebe: Hello? David: Hey! Phoebe: Hi. David: Hi! What-what're you doing here? Phoebe: Um, well, Max told me about Minsk, so congratulations! This is so exciting! Max: It'd be even more exciting if we were going. Phoebe: Oh, you're not going? Oh, why? Max: Tell her, David. 'I don't wanna go to Minsk and work with Lifson and Yamaguchi and Flench, on nonononononono. I wanna stay here and make out with my girlfriend!!' David: Thank you, Max. Thank you. Phoebe: So-so you're really not going? David: I don't know. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I just- you decide. Phoebe: Oh don't do that. David: Please. Phoebe: Oh no no. David: No, but I'm asking- Phoebe: Oh, but I can't do that- David: No, but I can't- Phoebe: It's your thing, and- David: -make the decision- Phoebe: Okay, um, stay. David: Stay. Phoebe: Stay. Phoebe: Getting so good at that! David: It was Max's stuff. Janice: I love this artichoke thing! Oh, don't tell me what's in it, the diet starts tomorrow! Chandler: You remember Janice. Monica: Vividly. Monica: Hi. Sandy: Hi, I'm Sandy. Joey: Sandy! Hi! C'mon in! ...You brought your kids. Sandy: Yeah. That's okay, right? Ross: Par-tay! Monica: That thing is not coming in here. Ross: 'That thing'? This is how you greet guests at a party? Let me ask you something, if I showed up here with my new girlfriend, she wouldn't be welcome in your home? Monica: I'm guessing your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate on my coffee table. Ross: Okay. He was more embarrassed about that than anyone. Okay? And for him to have the courage to walk back in here like nothing happened... Monica: Alright. Just keep him away from me. Ross: Thank you. Alright, I'll, uh... catch up with you later. Monica: Oh my gosh! Rachel, honey.. are you okay? Where-where's Paolo? Rachel: Rome. Jerk missed his flight. Phoebe: And then... your face is bloated? Rachel: No. Okay. I was at the airport, getting into a cab, when this woman- this blonde planet with a pocketbook- starts yelling at me. Something about how it was her cab first. And then the next thing I know she just starts- starts pulling me out by my hair! So I'm blowing my attack whistle thingy and three more cabs show up, and as I'm going to get into a cab she tackles me. And I hit my head on the kerb and cut my lip on my whistle...oh...everybody having fun at the party? Are people eating my dip? Sandy: Y'know, when I saw you at the store last week, it was probably the first time I ever mentally undressed an elf. Joey: Wow, that's, uh, dirty. Sandy: Yeah. Joey: Hey, kids... Ross: Look at him. I'm not saying he has to spend the whole evening with me, but at least check in. Janice: There you are! Haaah, you got away from me! Chandler: But you found me! Janice: Here, Ross, take our picture. Smile! You're on Janice Camera! Chandler: Kill me. Kill me now. Monica: Hey everybody! It's Fun Bobby! Fun Bobby: Hey, sorry I'm late. But my, uh, grandfather, he- died about two hours ago. But I-I-I couldn't get a flight out 'til tomorrow, so here I am! Joey: Hey Fun Bobby! Whoah! Who died? Fun Bobby: It's gonna be an open casket, y'know, so at least I'll- I get to see him again. Janice: Oh, I'm gonna blow this one up, and I'm gonna write 'Reunited' in glitter. Chandler: Alright, Janice, that's it! Janice... Janice... Hey, Janice, when I invited you to this party I didn't necessarily think that it meant that we- Janice: Oh, no. Oh, no. Chandler: I'm sorry you misunderstood... Janice: Oh my God. You listen to me, Chandler, you listen to me. One of these times is just gonna be your last chance with me. Chandler: Oh, will you give me the thing. Phoebe: Hi, Max! Max: Yoko. I've decided to go to Minsk without you. David: Wow. Max: It won't be the same- but it'll still be Minsk. Happy New Year. Phoebe: Are you alright? David: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. Phoebe: You're going to Minsk. David: No, I'm... not going to Minsk. Phoebe: Oh, you are so going to Minsk. You belong in Minsk. You can't stay here just 'cause of me. David: Yes I can. Because if I go it means I have to break up with you, and I can't break up with you. Phoebe: Oh yes, yes, yes you can. Just say, um, 'Phoebe, my work is my life and that's what I have to do right now'. And I say 'your work?! Your work?! How can you say that?!'. And then you say, um, 'it's tearing me apart, but I have no choice. Can't you understand that?'. And I say 'no! No! I can't understand that!'. David: Uh, ow. Phoebe: Ooh, sorry. Um, and, and then you put your arms around me. And then you put your arms around me. And, um, and then you tell me that you love me and you'll never forget me. David: I'll never forget you. Phoebe: And then you say that it's almost midnight and you have to go because you don't wanna start the new year with me if you can't finish it. I'm gonna miss you. You scientist guy. Dick Clark: Hi, this is Dick Clark, live in Times Square. We're in a virtual snowstorm of confetti here in Times Square... Joey: There y'go, kids. Chandler: Joey: You seen Sandy? Chandler: Ooh. Uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but she's in Monica's bedroom, getting it on with Max, that scientist geek. Ooh, look at that, I did know how to tell you. Rachel: Vrrbddy, the bll is drrbing. All: What? Rachel: The bll is drrbing! Dick Clark: In twenty seconds it'll be midnight... Chandler: And the moment of joy is upon us. Joey: Looks like that no date pact thing worked out. Phoebe: Everybody looks so happy. I hate that. Monica: Not everybody's happy. Hey Bobby! Chandler: Y'know, I uh.. just thought I'd throw this out here. I'm no math whiz, but I do believe there are three girls and three guys right here. Phoebe: I dunno. I don't feel like kissing anyone tonight. Rachel: I can't kiss anyone. Monica: So I'm kissing everyone? Joey: Nonono, you can't kiss Ross, that's your brother. Ross: Perfect. Perfect. So now everybody's getting kissed but me. Chandler: Alright, somebody kiss me. Somebody kiss me, it's midnight! Somebody kiss me! Joey: Alrightalrightalright. There. Closing Credits Ross: I wanted this to work so much. I mean I'm still in there, changing his diapers, pickin' his fleas... but he's just phoning it in. Just so hard to accept the fact that something you love so much doesn't love you back. Rachel: ...I think that bitch cracked my tooth. End Written by: Alexa Junge Transcribed by: guineapig Phoebe: Do you think they have yesterday's daily news? Monica: Why? Phoebe: Just wanna check my horoscope, see if it was right. Monica: Oh my God. Phoebe. Don't look now, but behind us is a guy who has the potential to break our hearts and plunge us into a pit of depression. Phoebe: Where? Ooh, come to Momma. Monica: He's coming. Be cool, be cool, be cool. Guy: Nice hat. Monica and Phoebe: Thanks. Phoebe: We should do something. Whistle. Monica: We are not going to whistle. Phoebe: Come on, do it. Monica: No! Phoebe: Do it! Monica: No! Phoebe: Do it do it do it! Monica: Woo-woo! Phoebe: I can't believe you did that! Opening Credits Monica: Why did I 'woo-hoo'? I mean, what was I hoping would happen? That-that he'd turn round and say 'I love that sound, I must have you now'? Phoebe: I just wish there was something we could do. Hello. Hello, Coma Guy. GET UP, YOU GIRL SCOUT! UP! UP! UP! Monica: Phoebe, what are you doing? Phoebe: Maybe nobody's tried this. Monica: I wish we at least knew his name... Look at that face. I mean, even sleeping, he looks smart. I bet he's a lawyer. Phoebe: Yeah, but did you see the dents in his knuckles? That means he's artistic. Monica: Okay, he's a lawyer, who teaches sculpting on the side. And- he can dance! Phoebe: Oh! And, he's the kinda guy who, when you're talking, he's listening, y'know, and not saying 'Yeah, I understand' but really wondering what you look like naked. Monica: I wish all guys could be like him. Phoebe: I know. Chandler: Are there no conscious men in the city for you two? Monica: He doesn't have anyone. Phoebe: Yeah, we-we feel kinda responsible. Joey: I can't believe you said woowoo. I don't even say woowoo. Rachel: Oh, she's coming up! She's coming up! Jay Leno: Folks, when we come back we'll be talking about her new book, 'Euphoria Unbound': the always interesting Nora Tyler Bing. You might wanna put the kids to bed for this one. Chandler: Y'know, we don't have to watch this. Weekend At Bernie's is on Showtime, HBO, and Cinemax. Rachel: No way, forget it. Joey: C'mon, she's your mom! Chandler: Exactly. Weekend At Bernie's! Dead guy getting hit in the groin twenty, thirty times! No? Rachel: Chandler, I gotta tell you, I love your mom's books! I love her books! I cannot get on a plane without one! I mean, this is so cool! Chandler: Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if you're eleven years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of 'Mistress Bitch.' Ross: C'mon, Chandler, I love your mom. I think she's a blast. Chandler: You can say that because she's not your mom. Ross: Oh, please... Paolo: Bona sera. Rachel: Oh, hi sweetie. Ross: When did Rigatoni get back from Rome? Monica: Last night. Ross: Ah, so then his plane didn't explode in a big ball of fire?... Just a dream I had- but, phew. Phoebe: Hey hey hey! She's on! Paolo: Ah! Nora Bing! Jay Leno: ...Now what is this about you-you being arrested i-in London? What is that all about? Phoebe: Your mom was arrested? Chandler: Shhh, busy beaming with pride. Mrs. Bing: ...This is kind of embarrassing, but occasionally after I've been intimate with a man... Chandler: Now why would she say that's embarrassing? All: Shhh. Mrs. Bing: ...I just get this craving for Kung Pow Chicken. Chandler: THAT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION!! Jay Leno: Alright, so now you're doing this whole book tour thing, how is that going? Mrs. Bing: Oh, fine. I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, which I hate- but I get to see my son, who I love... All: Awww! Chandler: This is the way that I find out. Most moms use the phone. Jay Leno: Y'know, don't take this wrong, I-I just don't see you a-as a mom, somehow.. I don't mean that, I don't mean that bad... Mrs. Bing: Oh no, I am a fabulous mom! I bought my son his first condoms. Chandler: ...And then he burst into flames. Monica: Let's see. Congress is debating a new deficit reduction bill... the mayor wants to raise subway fares again... the high today was forty-five... and- oh, teams played sports. Phoebe: What about Glen? He could be a Glen. Monica: Nah... not-not special enough. Phoebe: Ooh! How about Agamemnon? Monica: Waaay too special. Mrs. Bing: I am famished. What do I want... Chandler: Please God don't let it be Kung Pow Chicken. Mrs. Bing: Oh, you watched the show! What'd you think? Chandler: Well, I think you need to come out of your shell just a little. Ross: What is this dive? Only you could've picked this place. Mrs. Bing: Oooh, c'mon, shut up, it's fun. Gimme a hug. Well, I think we're ready for some tequila. Chandler: I know I am. Mrs. Bing: Who's doing shots? Monica: Yeah. Phoebe: I'm in. Mrs. Bing: There y'go. Ross? Ross: Uh, I'm not really a shot drinking kinda guy. Rachel: Hi! Sorry- sorry we're late, we, uh, kinda just, y'know, lost track of time. Ross: ...But a man can change. Ross: Anyone want me to appraise anything? Rachel: Mrs. Bing, I have to tell you, I've read everything you've ever written. No, I mean it! I mean, when I read Euphoria at Midnight, all I wanted to do was become a writer. Mrs. Bing: Oh, please, honey, listen, if I can do it, anybody can. You just start with half a dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia, and bam! You have got yourself a book. Chandler: Myyy mother, ladies and gentlemen. Mrs. Bing: Yeah, any messages for room 226? Mrs. Bing: You okay there, slugger? Ross: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. Mrs. Bing: What is with you tonight? Ross: Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing. Mrs. Bing: It's the Italian Hand-Licker, isn't it. Ross: No. It's the one he's licking. Mrs. Bing: She's supposed to be with you. Ross: You're good. Mrs. Bing: Oh, Ross, listen to me. I have sold a hundred million copies of my books, and y'know why? Ross: The girl on the cover with her nipples showing? Mrs. Bing: No. Because I know how to write men that women fall in love with. Believe me, I cannot sell a Paolo. People will not turn three hundred twenty-five pages for a Paolo. C'mon, the guy's a secondary character, a, y'know, complication you eventually kill off. Ross: When? Mrs. Bing: He's not a hero. ...You know who our hero is. Ross: The guy on the cover with his nipples showing? Mrs. Bing: No, it's you! Ross: Please. Mrs. Bing: No, really, c'mon. You're smart, you're sexy... Ross: Right. Mrs. Bing: You are gonna be fine, believe me. Ross: Uh-oh... Joey: Uhhhh.... I'll just pee in the street. Commercial Break Ross: Hey, is Chandler here? Joey: Yeah. Ross: Okay, uh, about last night, um, Chandler.. you didn't tell... Okay, 'cause I'm thinking- we don't need to tell Chandler, I mean, it was just a kiss, right? One kiss? No big deal? Right? Joey: Right. No big deal. Ross: Okay. Joey: In Bizarro World!! You broke the code! Ross: What code? Joey: You don't kiss your friend's mom! Sisters are okay, maybe a hot-lookin' aunt... but not a mom, never a mom! Chandler: What are you guys doing out here? Ross: Uh.. uh.. Well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept. Joey: Yeah, well, you don't have your racket. Ross: No, no I don't, because it's being restrung, somebody was supposed to bring me one. Joey: Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size. Chandler: Okay, you guys spend waaaay too much time together. Ross: Okay, I'm scum, I'm scum. Joey: Ross, how could you let this happen? Ross: I don't know, God, I... well, it's not like she's a regular mom, y'know? She's, she's sexy, she's... Joey: You don't think my mom's sexy? Ross: Well... not in the same way... Joey: I'll have you know that Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome woman in her day, alright? You think it's easy giving birth to seven children? Ross: Okay, I think we're getting into a weird area here... Rachel: Hey. Ross: Hey. Rachel: What're you guys doing out here? Ross: Well, not playing raquetball! Joey: He forgot to leave his grip size! Ross: He didn't get the goggles! Rachel: Well,sounds like you two have issues. Rachel: Goodbye, baby. Paolo: Ciao, bela. Ross: Do they wait for me to do this? Joey: So are you gonna tell him? Ross: Why would I tell him? Joey: How about 'cause if you don't, his mother might. Ross: Oh... Monica: What are you guys doing here? Joey: Uhhhh.... he's not even wearing a jockstrap! Monica: ...What did I ask? Monica: Hi. Phoebe: Hi. Monica: What are you doing here? Phoebe: Nothing, I just thought I'd stop by.. y'know, after the uh... that I.. y'know, so what are you doing here? Monica: I'm not really here. Just thought I'd drop these off...on the way.. my way... Do you come here a lot? Without me? Phoebe: No. No! No! ...So, um, do you think he's doing any better than he was this morning? Monica: How would I know? I-I wasn't here. Phoebe: Really? Not even to, um, change his PAJAMAS?! Chandler: Oh my God. Ross: You're my friend. I-I had to tell you. Chandler: I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom? Ross: Yeah, um, I don't know if you noticed, but he had a lot to drink, and you know how he gets when he's drun..uh... I can't do this, I did it, it was me, I'm sorry, I kissed your mom. Chandler: What? Ross: I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo, and I think I had too much tequila, and Nora- um, Mrs. Mom- your Bing- was just being nice, y'know, and- But nothing happened, nothing- Ask Joey, Joey, uh, came in- Chandler: You knew about this? Joey: Uh... y'know, knowledge is a tricky thing. Chandler: I spent the entire day with you, why didn't you tell me?! Joey: Hey, hey, hey, you're lucky I caught them when I did, or else who knows what woulda happened. Ross: Thanks, man, big help. Chandler: I can't believe this! What the hell were you thinking? Ross: I wasn't- I mean, I- Chandler: Y'know, of all my friends, no-one knows the crap I go through with my mom more than you. Ross: I know- Chandler: I can't believe you did this. Ross: Chandler- Joey: Me neither, y'know what- Chandler: I'm still mad at you for not telling me. Joey: What are you mad at me for?! Ross: Chandler- Chandler: You gotta let me slam the door! Joey: See what happens when you break the code? Ross: Joey- Joey: Ah! Monica: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Monica: 'A Woman Undone, by Rachel Karen Green'. Rachel: Yeah. Thought I'd give it a shot. I'm still on the first chapter. Now, do you think his 'love stick can be liberated from its denim prison'? Monica: Yeah, I'd say so. And there's no 'j' in 'engorged'. Phoebe: Hey Rach. Rachel: Hey. Phoebe: Hello. Monica: Hello. Phoebe: Going to the hospital tonight? Monica: No, you? Phoebe: No, you? Monica: You just asked me. Phoebe: Okay, maybe it was a trick question. Um, Rachel can we do this now? Rachel: Okay. I am so hot! Joey: Now, here's a picture of my mother and father on their wedding day. Now you tell me she's not a knockout. Ross: I cannot believe we're having this conversation. Joey: C'mon! Just try to picture her not pregnant, that's all. Rachel: Central Perk is proud to present Miss Phoebe Buffay. Phoebe: Thanks. Hi, um, 'kay. I'd like to start with a song that's about a man that I recently met, who's, um, come to be very important to me. You don't have to be awake to be my man, As long as you have brainwaves I'll be there to hold your hand. Though we just met the other day, There's something I have got to say... Rachel: Okay, that was Phoebe Buffay, everybody. Woo! Chandler: What was that? Ross: Oh, uh, Phoebe just started a... Chandler: Yeah, I believe I was talking to Joey, alright there, Mother-Kisser? Joey: I'll shut up. Ross: Chandler, can I just say something? I-I know you're still mad at me, I just wanna say that there were two people there that night. Okay? Two sets of lips. Chandler: Yes, well, I expect this from her. Okay? She's always been a Freudian nightmare. Ross: Okay, well, if she always behaves like this, why don't you say something? Chandler: Because it's complicated, it's complex- Hey, you kissed my mom! Ross: We're rehearsing a Greek play. Chandler: That's very funny. We done now? Ross: No! Okay, you mean, you're not gonna talk to her, you're not gonna tell her how you feel? Chandler: That would be no. Look, just because you played tonsil tennis with my mom doesn't mean you know her. Alright? Trust me, you can't talk to her. Ross: Okay, 'you' can't, or Still doing the play. Aaah! Phoebe: Alright, whadyou do with him? Monica: Oh! You're awake! Phoebe: Look at you! How, how do you feel? Coma Guy: Uh, a little woozy, but basically okay. Monica: You look good! Coma Guy: I feel good! ...Who are you? Monica: Oh, sorry. Phoebe: I'm Phoebe Buffay. Monica: I'm Monica Geller. I've been taking care of you. Phoebe: Well, we both have. Coma Guy: So, the Etch-a-Sketch is from you guys? Phoebe: Well, actually it's just from me. Monica: I got you the foot massager. Phoebe: You know who shaved you? That was me. Monica: I read to you. Phoebe: I sang. Hah! Coma Guy: Well,... thanks. Monica: Oh, my pleasure. Phoebe: You're welcome. Coma Guy: So. I guess I'll see you around. Phoebe: What, that's it? Monica: "See you around?" Coma Guy: Well, what do you want me to say? Monica: Oh, I don't know. Maybe, um, "That was nice?" Admit something to me? "I'll call you?" Coma Guy: Alright, I'll call you. Phoebe: I don't think you mean that. Monica: This is so typical. Y'know, we give, and we give, and we give. And then- we just get nothing back! And then one day, y'know, it's just, you wake up, and "See you around!" Let's go, Phoebe. Phoebe: Y'know what? We thought you were different. But I guess it was just the coma. Mrs. Bing: Car's waiting downstairs, I just wanted to drop off these copies of my book for your friends. Anything you want from Lisbon? Chandler: No, just knowing you're gonna be there is enough. Mrs. Bing: Alright, well, be good, I love you. Chandler: You kissed my best Ross! ...Or something to that effect. Mrs. Bing: O-kay. Look, it, it was stupid. Chandler: Really stupid. Mrs. Bing: Really stupid. And I don't even know how it happened. I'm sorry, honey, I promise it will never happen again. Are we okay now? Chandler: Yeah. No. No... Ross: Ah, the forbidden love of a man and his door. Joey: Shh. He did it. He told her off, and not just about the kiss, about everything. Ross: You're kidding. Joey: No, no. He said "When are you gonna grow up and start being a mom?" Ross: Wow! Joey: Then she came back with "The question is, when are you gonna grow up and realise I have a bomb?" Ross: 'Kay, wait a minute, are you sure she didn't say "When are you gonna grow up and realise I am your mom?" Joey: That makes more sense. Ross: So, what's going on now? Joey: I dunno, I've been standing here spelling it out for you! Ross: Whaddya see? Joey: Hard to tell, they're so tiny and upside-down. Wait, wait. They're walking away... they're walking away... No, no they're not, they're coming right at us! Run! Run! Mrs. Bing: You okay, kiddo? Chandler: Yeah, okay. Mrs. Bing: Alright. Chandler: Nice save. Ross: Mrs. Bing. Mrs. Bing: Mr. Geller. Chandler: Hey. Ross: You mean that? Chandler: Yeah, why not. So I told her. Ross: Yeah? How'd it go? Chandler: Awful. Awful. Couldn'ta gone worse. Ross: Well, howdya feel? Chandler: Pretty good! I told her. Ross: Well, see? So, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea, y'know, me kissing your mom, uh? Huh? But.. we don't have to go down that road. Closing Credits Rachel: Okay. Now this is just the first chapter, and I want your absolute honest opinion. Oh, oh, and on page two, he's not 'reaching for her heaving beasts'. Monica: What's a 'niffle'? Joey: You usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'. Rachel: Alright, alright, so I'm not a great typist... Ross: Wait, did you get to the part about his 'huge throbbing pens'? Tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those! Rachel: Alright, that's it! Give it back! That's it! All: Nooo! End Chandler: No-no-no-no, we're done. Opening Credits Monica: Aunt Syl, stop yelling! All I'm saying is that if you had told me vegetarian lasagna, I would have made vegetarian lasagna. Well, the meat's only every third layer, maybe you could scrape. Joey: Ross, did you really read all these baby books? Ross: Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like that! Phoebe: Ooh, this is cool...it says in some parts of the world, people actually eat the placenta. Chandler: And, we're done with the yogurt. Phoebe: Monica: Aunt Syl, I did this as a favor, I am not a caterer. What do you want me to do with a dozen lasagnas? You kiss Uncle Freddie with that mouth? Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you know that right now, your baby's only this big? Hi Daddy! Ross: Hello! Joey: Rachel: Honey, you can say it, Poconos, Poconos, it's like Poc-o-nos Paolo: Ah, poke Joey, Chandler, and Ross: Mma, Mma, Mmaah Monica: So, did I hear Poconos? Rachel: Yes, my sister's giving us her place for the weekend. Phoebe: Woo-hoo, first weekend away together! Monica: Yeah, that's a big step. Rachel: I know... Chandler: Ah, it's just a weekend, big deal! Ross: Wasn't this supposed to be just a fling, huh? Shouldn't it be... flung by now? Rachel: I mean, we are way past the fling thing, I mean, I am feeling things that I've only read about in Danielle Steele books, you know? I mean, when I'm with him, I'm totally, totally... Ross: ...nauseous, I'm physically nauseous. What am I supposed to do, huh? Call immigration? I could call immigration! Joey: I love babies, with their little baby shoes, and their little baby toes, and their little baby hands... Chandler: Ok, you're going to have to stop that, forever! Joey: Need a new table. Chandler: You think? Carol: Hey hey, come on in! Ross: Hey, hello! mmwa! I brought all the books, and Monica sends her love, along with this lasagna. Carol: Oh great! Is it vegetarian, 'cause Susan doesn't eat meat. Ross: I'm pretty sure that it is... Carol: So, I got the results of the amnio today. Ross: Oh, tell me, tell me, is everything, uhh....? Carol: Totally and completely healthy! Ross: Oh, that's great, that is great! Ross: Hey, when did you and Susan meet Huey Lewis? Carol: Uh, that's our friend Tanya. Ross: Carol: Don't you want to know about the sex? Ross: , yaw... Carol: The sex of the baby, Ross. Ross: Oh, you know the sex of the baby? Oh, oh-oh-oh! Carol: Do you want to know? Ross: No, no, no, no, no, I don't want to know, absolutely not. I think, you know, I think you should know until you look down there, and say, oop, there it is! Or isn't... Susan: Oh, hello Ross! Ross: Susan... Susan: So, so, did you hear? Ross: Yes, we did, everything's A-OK! Susan: Oh, that's so... It really is...do we know...? Carol: Yes, we certainly do, it's going to be... Ross: Oh, hey hey hey, ho ho ho, hello, guy who doesn't want to know, standing right here! Susan: Oh, well, is it what we thought it would be? Carol: Mm-hmmm Ross: Ok, what, what...ok, what did we think it was going to be? Carol and Susan: It's a... Ross: No, no, no I don't want to know, don't want to know. Ok, you know, I should probably, I should probably just go. Carol: Well, thanks for the books. Ross: No problem, ok, mmmwa Susan: All right, who should we call first, your folks, or Deb and Rona? Carol: Hello? Ross: Chandler: Ok, so it's just because it was my table, I have to buy a new one? Joey: That's the rule. Chandler: What rule? There's no rule, if anything, you owe me a table! Joey: How'd you get to that? Chandler: Well, I believe the piece of furniture was fine until your little breakfast adventure with Angela Delvecchio Joey: You knew about that? Chandler: Well, let's just say the impressions you made in the butter left little to the imagination. Joey: Ok, ok, How about if we split it? Chandler: What do you mean, like, buy it together? Joey: Yeah Chandler: You think we're ready for something like that? Joey: Why not? Chandler: Well, it's a pretty big commitment, I mean, what if one of us wants to move out? Joey: Why, are you moving out? Chandler: I'm not moving out. Joey: You'd tell me if you were moving out right Chandler: Yeah, yeah, it's just that with my last roommate Kip... Joey: Aw, I know all about Kip! Chandler: It's just that we bought a hibachi together, and then he ran off and got married, and things got pretty ugly. Joey: Well, let me ask you something, was Kip a better roommate than me? Chandler: Aw, don't do that Phoebe's Assistant: We've got a couple changes in your schedule. Your 4:00 herbal massage has been pushed back to 4:30 and Miss Somerfield canceled her 5:30 shiatsu. Phoebe: Ok, thanks. Phoebe's Assistant: Oh, here comes your 3:00. I don't mean to sound unprofessional, but, yum Paolo: Buon Giorno, Bella Phoebe! Phoebe: Oh, Paolo, hi, what are you doing here? Paolo: Uh, Racquela tell me you massage, eh? Phoebe: Well, Racquela's right, yeah! Phoebe: Oh, okay, I don't know what you just said, so let's get started. Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, being naked? Phoebe: Um, that's really your decision, I mean, some people prefer, you know, to take off...oh whoops! You're being naked! Rachel: I can't believe you don't want to know. I mean, I couldn't not know, I mean, if, if the doctor knows, and Carol knows, and Susan knows.... Monica: And Monica knows... Ross: Wha, heh, how could you know, I don't even know! Monica: Carol called me to thank me for the lasagna, I asked, she told me. Joey: So what's it gonna be? Ross: Wait—oh—hey—huh, oh great now he knows, and I don't know! Monica: I'm sorry, I'm just excited about being an aunt! Joey: Or an uncle... Joey and Chandler: Hey Phoebe! Ross: Hi Pheebs! Rachel: Pheebs! Phoebe: Fine! Monica: Phoebe, what's the matter? Phoebe: Nothing, I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm out of sorts. Customer: Hey, can we get some cappuccino over here? Rachel: Oh, right, that's me! Joey: Hey, Chandler, that table place closes at 7, come on. Chandler: Fine. Monica: Phoebe, what is it? Phoebe: All right, you know Paolo? Ross: I'm familiar with his work, yes... Phoebe: Well, he made a move on me. Joey: Whoa, store will be open tomorrow! Chandler: More coffee over here, please! Commercial Break Monica: Well, what happened? Phoebe: Well, he came in for a massage, and everything was fine until. Joey and Chandler:  Ooooohh! Ross: My God. Monica: Are you sure? Phoebe: Oh yeah, I'm sure. Monica: Was it...? Phoebe: Oh, boy scouts could have camped under there. Guys: Oooooo.... Rachel: "Ooo," what? Phoebe: Uma Thurman. Monica: Oh! Ross: The actress! Ross: Thanks Rach. Chandler: So what are you gonna do? Ross: You have to tell her! You have to tell her! It's your moral obligation, as a friend, as a woman, I think it's a feminist issue! Guys? Guys? Chandler: Oh, yeah, you have to tell her. Joey: Feminist issue. That's where I went! Phoebe: She is gonna hate me. Ross: Yeah, well... Joey: Will you pick one, just pick one! Here, how about that one? Chandler: That's patio furniture! Joey: So what, like people are gonna come in and think, "Uh-oh, I'm outside again?" Of course! Chandler: What about the birds? Joey: I don't know, birds just don't say, "Hello, sit here, eat something." Chandler: You pick one. Joey: All right, how about the ladybugs? Chandler: Oh, so, forget about the birds, but big red insects suggest fine dining! Joey: Fine, you want to get the birds, get the birds! Chandler: Not like that, I won't! Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hi Pheebs! Phoebe: Are you moving out? Rachel: No, these aren't all my suitcases. This one's Paolo's. Phoebe: Um, um, Rachel can we talk for a sec? Rachel: Well, sure...just a sec, though, 'cause Paolo's on his way over. Phoebe: Oh! Ok, um, ok, um, Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, Pheebs... Phoebe: Ok, um, Rachel: Oh my God, why have I never tasted these before?! Phoebe: Oh, I don't make them a lot because I don't think it's fair to the other cookies Rachel: All right, well, you're right, these are the best oatmeal cookies I've ever had. Phoebe: Which proves that I never lie. Rachel: I guess you don't. Phoebe: Paolo made a pass at me. Chandler: So, what do you think? Ross: I think It's the most beautiful table I've ever seen. Chandler: I know! Monica: So how does this work, you going to balance the plates on these little guys' heads? Joey: Who cares, we'll eat at the sink! Come on, let's play! Monica: Heads up Ross! You suck! Phoebe: Are you okay? Rachel: I need some milk. Phoebe: Ok, I've got milk Better? Rachel: No...oh, I feel so stupid! Oh, I think about the other day with you guys and I was all "Oh, Paolo, he's so great, he makes me feel so..." Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed! Phoebe: I'm so embarrassed, I'm the one he hit on! Rachel: Pheebs, if I had never met him this never would have happened! Rachel and Phoebe: I'm so sorry! No I'm sorry! No I'm sorry! No I'm sorry! Phoebe: No, wait, oh, what are we sorry about? Rachel: I don't know...right, he's the pig! Phoebe: Such a pig! Rachel: Oh, God, he's such a pig, Phoebe: Oh he's like a... Rachel: He's like a big disgusting... Phoebe: ...like a... Rachel: ...pig...pig man! Phoebe: Yes, good! Ok... Rachel: Oh, but he was my pig man...how did I not see this? Phoebe: It's because... he's gorgeous, and he's charming, and when he looks at you... Rachel: Ok, Ok, Pheebs... Phoebe: The end. Rachel: Oh, God... Phoebe: Should I not have told you? Rachel: No, no, trust, me, it's, it's, it's much better that I know. Uh, I just liked it better before it was better... Phoebe: I think she took it pretty well. You know Paolo's over there right now, so... Monica: We should get over there and see if she's okay. Ross: Ah...ooh! Well, looks like, uh, we kicked your butts. Joey: No-no, she kicked our butts. You could be on the Olympic standing-there team. Ross: Come on, two on one. Chandler: What are you still doing here? She just broke up with the guy, it's time for you to swoop in! Ross: What, now? Joey: Yes, now is when you swoop! You gotta make sure that when Paolo walks out of there, the first guy Rachel sees is you, She's gotta know that you're everything he's not! You're like, like the anti-Paolo! Chandler: My Catholic friend is right. She's distraught. You're there for her. You pick up the pieces, and then you usher in the age of Ross! Paolo: No, that's cold, that's cold, that's... Ross: How's it going? Monica: Don't stare. Now she just finished throwing his clothes off the balcony, now there's just a lot of gesturing and arm-waving, , Ok, that is either, "How could you?" or, "Enormous breasts!" Here he comes! Phoebe: Ooh! Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, to say good-bye. Phoebe: Oh, ok bye-bye. Monica: Paolo, I really hate you for what you did to Rachel, but I still have five of these, so heat it at 375 until the cheese bubbles. Paolo: Grazie. Ross: Paolo, I-I just want to tell you and I think I speak for everyone when I say... Phoebe: Oh, just look at her... Ross: Oh you guys, I-I really think just one of us should go out there so she's not overwhelmed... Monica: Oh, you're right. Ross: ...and I really think it should be me. Ross: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Ross: You all right? Rachel: Ooh, I've been better... Ross: Come here. Listen, you deserve so much better than him...you know, I mean, you, you, you should be with a guy who knows what he has when he has you. Rachel: Oh, Ross... Ross: What? Rachel: I am so sick of guys. I don't want to look at another guy, I don't want to think about another guy, I don't even want to be near another guy. Ross: Huh. Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great! Ross: Ohhhh Monica: Ooh...hey honey, are you all right? Rachel: Oh... Phoebe: You ok? Rachel: ...medium...hmm...any cookies left? Phoebe: Yep! Ross: See, Rach, uh, see, I don't think that swearing off guys altogether is the answer. I really don't. I think that what you need is to develop a more sophisticated screening process. Rachel: No. I just need to be by myself for a while, you know? I just got to figure out what I want Ross: Uh, no, no, see, because not...not all guys are going to be a Paolo. Rachel: No, I know, I know, and I'm sure your little boy is not going to grow up to be one. Ross: What? Rachel: What? Ross: I-I'm, I'm having a boy? Rachel: Uh...no. No, no, in fact, you're not having a boy. Ross: Wha-I'm having, I'm having a boy! Huh, am I having a boy? Girls: Yes, you're having a boy! Ross: I'm having a boy! Oh, I'm having a boy! Chandler: Wha- Joey: Wha- Joey and Chandler: What is it? Ross: I'm having a boy! I-I'm having a boy! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Joey and Chandler: We already knew that! Ross: I'm having a son. Um... Closing Credits Monica: Yes! And that would be a shut-down! Joey and Chandler: Shut-out!! Monica: Where are you guys going? Come on, one more game! Joey: Uh, it's 2:30 in the morning! Chandler: Yeah, get out! Monica: You guys are always hanging out in my apartment! Come on, I'll only use my left hand, huh? Come on, wussies! and I'm gone. Chandler: One more game? Joey: Oh yeah! End Written by: Alexa Junge Transcribed by: guineapig Rachel: That is it! You just barge in here, you don't knock Chandler: I'm sorry! Rachel: You have no respect for anybody's privacy! Chandler: Rachel, wait, wait. Rachel: No, you wait! This is ridiculous! Chandler: Can I just say one thing? Rachel: What? What?! Chandler: That's a relatively open weave and I can still see your... nipular areas. Rachel: Oh!! Opening Credits Phoebe: Oh, honey, honey, tell them the story about your patient who thinks things are, like, other things. Y'know? Like, the phone rings and she takes a shower. Roger: That's pretty much it. Phoebe: Oops! Roger: But you tell it really well, sweetie. Phoebe: Thanks. Okay, now go away so we can talk about you. Roger: Okay. I'll miss you. Phoebe: Isn't he great? Rachel: He's so cute! And he seems to like you so much. Phoebe: I know, I know. So sweet... and so complicated. And for a shrink, he's not too shrinky, y'know? Monica: So, you think you'll do it on his couch? Phoebe: Oh, I don't know, I don't know. I think that's a little weird, y'know? Vinyl. Rachel: Okaaay. Any of you guys want anything else? Chandler: Oh, yes, could I have one of those. Rachel: No, I'm sorry, we're all out of those. Anybody else? Chandler: Okay. Roger: Did I, uh, did I miss something? Chandler: No, she's still upset because I saw her boobies. Ross: You what? Wh what were you doing seeing her boobies? Chandler: It was an accident. Not like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of donuts. Rachel: Okay, okay, could we change the subject, please? Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause hello, these are not her boobies, these are her breasts. Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, I was hoping for more of a change. Chandler: Y'know, I don't know why you're so embarrassed, they were very nice boobies. Rachel: Nice? They were nice. I mean, that's it? I mean, mittens are nice. Chandler: Okaaay, rock, hard place, me. Roger: You're so funny! He's really funny! I wouldn't wanna be there when when the laughter stops. Chandler: Whoah whoah, back up there, Sparky. What'd you mean by that? Roger: Oh, just seems as though that maybe you have intimacy issues. Y'know, that you use your humour as a way of keeping people at a distance. Chandler: Huh. Roger: I mean hey! I just met you, I don't know you from Adam. ...Only child, right? Parents divorced before you hit puberty. Chandler: Uhhuh, how did you know that? Roger: It's textbook. Joey: Hey you guys. Hey, you all know my dad, right? All: Hey! Hey, Mr. Trib! Monica: Hey, how long are you in the city? Mr. Tribbiani: Just for a coupla days. I got a job midtown. I figure I'm better off staying with the kid than hauling my ass back and forth on the ferry. I don't know this one. Phoebe: Oh, this is my friend Roger. Roger: Hi. Mr. Tribbiani: Hey, hey. Good to meet you, Roger. Roger: You too, sir. Mr. Tribbiani: What happened to the, uh, puppet guy? Joey: Dad, dad. Mr. Tribbiani: Oh, 'scuse me. So Ross, uh, how's the wife? Off there too, uh? Uh, Chandler, quick, say something funny! Mr. Tribbiani: Gotta go. I miss you too, I love you, but it's getting real late now Joey: Did you know this isn't Ma? Mr. Tribbiani: Her name's Ronni. She's a pet mortician. Joey: Sure. So how long you been... Mr. Tribbiani: Remember when you were a little kid, I used to take you to the navy yard and show you the big ships? Joey: Since then?! Mr. Tribbiani: No, it's only been six years. I just wanted to put a nice memory in your head so you'd know that I wasn't always such a terrible guy. ...Joe. Y'ever been in love? Joey: ...I d'know. Mr. Tribbiani: Then y'haven't. You're burning your tomatoes. Joey: You're one to talk. Mr. Tribbiani: Joe, your dad's in love big time. And the worst part of it is, it's with two different women. Joey: Oh man. Please tell me one of 'em is Ma. Mr. Tribbiani: Of course, course one of 'em's Ma. What's the matter with you. Joey: It's like if you woke up one day and found out your dad was leading this double life. He's like actually some spy, working for the C.I.A. That'd be cool.... This blows! Rachel: I know, I mean, why can't parents just stay parents? Why can't you stop staring at my breasts? Chandler: What? Rachel: Did you not get a good enough look the other day? Ross: Alright, alright. We're all adults here, there's only one way to resolve this. Since you saw her boobies, I think, uh, you're gonna have to show her your peepee. Chandler: Y'know, I don't see that happening? Rachel: C'mon, he's right. Tit for tat. Chandler: Well I'm not showing you my 'tat.' Monica: Hello? Phoebe: It's Phoebe. Roger: And Rog. Monica: C'mon up. Chandler: Oh, good. Rog is here. Joey: What's the matter with Rog? Ross: Yeah. Chandler: Oh, it's nothing, it's a little thing... I hate that guy. Ross: What, so he was a little analytical. That's what he does, y'know? C'mon, he's not that bad. Ross: Y'see, that's where you're wrong. Why would I marry her if I thought on any level thatthat she was a lesbian? Roger: I dunno. Maybe you wanted your marriage to fail. Ross: Why? Why would I why? Why? Why? Why? Roger: I don't know. Maybe maybe low self-esteem, maybe maybe to compensate for overshadowing a sibling, maybe you... Monica: Wait-wait, go back to that sibling thing. Roger: Well, I don't know. I mean, it's conceivable that you wanted to sabotage your marriage so that the sibling would feel less of a failure in the eyes of the parents. Ross: That that's ridiculous! I don't feel guilty for her failures! Monica: Oh! So you think I'm a failure! Phoebe: Isn't he good? Ross: Nonono, thatthat's not what I was saying... Monica: Y'know, all these years, I thought you were on my side. But maybe what you were doing was sucking up to Mom and Dad so they'd keep liking you better! Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good! Rachel: You're right! I mean you're right! It wasn't just the Weebles, but it was the Weeble Play Palace, and and the Weebles' Cruise Ship. Oh, which had this little lifeboat for the Weebles to wobble in. Roger: That's tough. Tough stuff. C'mon, Pheebs, we're gonna catch that movie, we gotta get going. Phoebe: Oh, okay. Feel better, Rachel, 'kay? Roger: Geez, we're gonna be late, sweetie... Phoebe: Oh, okay. Listen, thanks for everything, Mon. Monica: You're welcome. Roger: Listen guys, it was great seeing you again. Mon, um, easy on those cookies, okay? Remember, they're just food, they're not love. Monica: Hate that guy! Joey: Night, you guys. Chandler: Oh look, it's the woman we ordered. Joey: Hey. Can, uh, can we help you? Ronni: Oh, no thanks, I'm just waiting for, uh, Joey Tribbiani. Joey: I'm Joey Tribbiani. Ronni: Oh no, not you, big Joey. Oh my God, you're so much cuter than your pictures! I-I'm, I'm Ronni....Cheese Nip? Chandler: Uh, Joey's having an embolism, but I'd go for a Nip, y'know? Commercial Break Ronni: Now, y'see, most people, when their pets pass on, they want 'em sorta laid out like they're sleeping. But occasionally you get your person who wants them in a pose. Like, chasing their tail, or, uh, jumping to catch a frisbee. Chandler: Joey, if I go first, I wanna be looking for my keys. Ronni: That's a good one! Mr. Tribbiani: Hey, Joe. Joey: Dad, Ronni's here. Mr. Tribbiani: Huh? Ronni: Hi. Mr. Tribbiani: Hey! Hello, babe! Wh what're what're you doing here? Ronni: Oh, uh, well, you left your good hair at my apartment, I figured you'd need it tomorrow for your meeting. Mr. Tribbiani: Thank you. Uh... Chandler: So, who's up for a big game of Kerplunk? Ronni: Look, I uh, I shouldn'ta come. I-I'd better get going, I don't wanna miss the last train. Mr. Tribbiani: I don't want you taking that thing. Ronni: Oh, where'm I gonna stay, here? Joey: Who-ah-ho. Mr. Tribbiani: We'll go to a hotel. Ronni: We'll go to a hotel. Joey: No you won't. Ronni: No we won't. Joey: If you go to a hotel you'll be...doing stuff. I want you right here where I can keep an eye on you. Mr. Tribbiani: You're gonna keep an eye on us? Joey: That's right, mister, and I don't care how old you are, as long as you're under my roof you're gonna live by my rules. And that means no sleeping with your girlfriend. Ronni: Wow. He's strict. Joey: Now dad, you'll be in my room, Ronni uh, you can stay in Chandler's room. Ronni: Thanks. You're, uh, you're a good kid. Chandler: C'mon, I'll show you to my room. ...That sounds so weird when it's not followed by "No thanks, it's late." Joey: Okay. Now this is just for tonight. Starting tomorrow, you gotta make a change. This has gone on long enough. Mr. Tribbiani: What kinda change? Joey: Well, either you break it off with Ronni Mr. Tribbiani: I can't do that! Joey: Then you gotta come clean with Ma! This is not right! Mr. Tribbiani: Yeah, but this is Joey: I don't wanna hear it! Now go to my room! Chandler: Hey, Kicky. What're you doing? Joey: Just trying to get comfortable. I can't sleep in my underwear. Chandler: Well, you're gonna. Joey: I've been thinking. Y'know, about how I'm always seeing girls on top of girls... Chandler: Are they end to end, or tall like pancakes? Joey: Y'know what I mean, about how I'm always going out with all these women. And I always figured, when the right one comes along, I'd be able to be a stand-up guy and go the distance, y'know? Now I'm looking at my dad, thinking... Chandler: Hey, you're not him. You're you. When they were all over you to go into your father's pipe-fitting business, did you cave? Joey: No. Chandler: No. You decided to go into the out-of-work actor business. Now that wasn't easy, but you did it! And I'd like to believe that when the right woman comes along, you will have the courage and the guts to say "No thanks, I'm married." Joey: You really think so? Chandler: Yeah. I really do. Joey: Thanks, Chandler. Chandler: Get off! Ronni: Hi. Monica: Hi...May I help you? Ronni: Yeah, uh, Joey said I could use your shower, since, uh, Chandler's in ours? Monica: Okay...who are you? Ronni: Oh, I'm Ronni. Ronni Rappelano? The mistress? Monica: Oh, c'mon in. Ronni: Thanks. Rachel: Hi, I'm Rachel. Ronni: Hi. Rachel: Bathroom's up there. Ronni: Great. Rachel: Hey, listen, Ronni, how long would you say Chandler's been in the shower? Ronni: Oh, like, uh, five minutes? Rachel: Perfect. Fasten your seatbelts, it's peepee time. Hey, Mr. Trib. Mr. Tribbiani: Hey. Morning, dear. Rachel: Chandler Bing? It's time to see your thing. Joey: What's the matter with you?! Rachel: I thought it was Chandler! Chandler: What? What? Rachel: You were supposed to be in there so I could see your thing! Chandler: Sorry, my my thing was in there with me. All: Hey, Pheebs. Phoebe: Hey. Monica: How's it going? Phoebe: Good. Oh oh! Roger's having a dinner thing and he wanted me to invite you guys. Phoebe: So what's going on? Monica: Nothing, um, it's just, um... It's Roger. Ross: I dunno, there's just something about... Chandler: Basically we just feel that he's... Rachel: We hate that guy. All: Yeah. Hate him. Ross: We're sorry, Pheebs, we're sorry. Phoebe: Uh-huh. Okay. Okay, don't you think, maybe, though, it's just that he's so perceptive that it freaks you out? All: ...No, we hate him. Rachel: We're sorry. Joey: Ma! What're you doing here? Mrs. Tribbiani: I came to give you this Joey: Oww! Big ring! Mrs. Tribbiani: Why did you have to fill your father's head with all that garbage about making things right? Things were fine the way they were! There's chicken in there, put it away. For God's sake, Joey, really. Joey: Hold on, you-you knew? Mrs. Tribbiani: Of course I knew! What did you think? Your father is no James Bond. You should've heard some of his cover stories. "I'm sleeping over at my accountant's," I mean, what is that? Please! Joey: So then how could you I mean, how could you?! Mrs. Tribbiani: Do you remember how your father used to be? Always yelling, always yelling nothing made him happy, nothing made him happy, not that wood shop, not those stupid little ships in the bottle, nothing. Now he's happy! I mean, it's nice, he has a hobby. Joey: Ma, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but... what the hell are you talking about?! I mean, what about you? Mrs. Tribbiani: Me? I'm fine. Look, honey, in an ideal world, there'd be no her, and your father would look like Sting. And I'll tell you something else. Ever since that poodle-stuffer came along, he's been so ashamed of himself that he's been more attentive, he's been more loving... I mean, it's like every day's our anniversary. Joey: I'm...happy...for you? Mrs. Tribbiani: Well don't be, because now everything's screwed up. I just want it the way it was. Joey: Ma, I'm sorry. I just did what I thought you'd want. Mrs. Tribbiani: I know you did, cookie. Oh, I know you did. So tell me. Did you see her? Joey: Yeah. You're ten times prettier than she is. Mrs. Tribbiani: That's sweet. Could I take her? Joey: With this ring? No contest. Roger: What's wrong, sweetie? Phoebe: Nothing, nothing. Roger: Aaaah, what's wrong, c'mon. Phoebe: It's, I mean, it's nothing, I'm fine. It's my friends. They-they have a liking problem with you. In that, um, they don't. Roger: Oh. They don't. Phoebe: But they don't see all the wonderfulness that I see. They don't see all the good stuff and all the sweet stuff. They just think you're a little... Roger: What? Phoebe: Intense and creepy. Roger: Oh. Phoebe: But I don't. Me, Phoebe. Roger: Well, I'm not I'm not at all surprised they feel that way. Phoebe: You're not? See, that's why you're so great! Roger: Actually it's, it's quite, y'know, typical behaviour when you have this kind of dysfunctional group dynamic. Y'know, this kind of co-dependant, emotionally stunted, sitting in your stupid coffee house with your stupid big cups which, I'm sorry, might as well have nipples on them, and you're like all 'Oh, define me! Define me! Love me, I need love!'. Monica: So you talked to your dad, huh. Joey: Yeah. He's gonna keep cheating on my ma like she wanted, she's gonna keep pretending she doesn't know even though she does, and my little sister Tina can't see her husband any more because he got a restraining order...which has nothing to do with anything except that I found out today. Rachel: Wow. Chandler: Things sure have changed here on Waltons mountain. Ross: So Joey, you okay? Joey: Yeah, I guess. It's just parents, after a certain point, you gotta let go. Even if you know better, you've gotta let them make their own mistakes. Rachel: Just think, in a couple of years we get to turn into them. Chandler: If I turn into my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blond chasing after twenty-year-old boys, or... I'll end up like my mom. Phoebe: Hey. All: Hey, Pheebs. Monica: How's it going? Phoebe: Oh, okay, except I broke up with Roger. All: Awww. Phoebe: Yeah, right. All: Aaawwwwww!! Rachel: What happened? Phoebe: I don't know, I mean, he's a good person, and he can be really sweet, and in some ways I think he is so right for me, it's just... I hate that guy! Closing Credits Phoebe: Hey, Joey. What's going on? Joey: Clear the tracks for the boobie payback express. Next stop: Rachel Green. Monica: Joey!! What the hell were you doing?! Joey: Sorry. Wrong boobies. Monica: Hello, Joey. Mr. Tribbiani: Oh! ...Hello, dear. End Joey: I'm tellin' you Ross, she wants you. Ross: She barely knows me. We just live in the same building. Chandler: Any contact? Ross: She lent me an egg once. Joey: You're in! Ross: Aw, right. Woman: Hi, Ross. Ross: Hey. Chandler: Come on, Ross, you gotta get back in the game here, ok? The Rachel thing's not happening, your ex-wife is a lesbian—I don't think we need a third... Joey: Excuse me, could we get an egg over here, still in the shell? Thanks. Ross: An egg? Joey: Yeah, you're gonna go up to her and say, "Here's your egg back, I'm returning your egg." Chandler: I think it's winning. Ross: I think it's insane. Chandler: She'll love it. Go with the egg, my friend. Joey: Think it'll work? Chandler: No, it's suicide. The man's got an egg. Monica: You can not do this. Rachel: Do what, do what? Monica: Roger wants to take her out tomorrow night. Rachel: No! Phoebes! Don't you remember why you dumped the guy? Phoebe: 'Cause he was creepy, and mean, and a little frightening... alright, still, it's nice to have a date on Valentine's Day! Monica: But Phoebe, you can go out with a creepy guy any night of the year. I know I do. Rachel: Well, what are you guys doing tomorrow night? Joey: Actually, tomorrow night kinda depends on how tonight goes. Chandler: Oh, uh, listen, about tonight... Joey: No, no, no, don't you dare bail on me. The only reason she's goin' out with me is because I said I could bring a friend for her friend. Chandler: Yes, I know, but her friend sounds like such a... Joey: Pathetic mess? I know, but—come on, man, she's needy, she's vulnerable. I'm thinkin', cha-ching! Thanks. Look, you have not been out with a woman since Janice. You're doin' this. Ross: Hi. She said yes. Chandler: Yes! Way to go, man! Still got the egg, huh? Joey: How do I look? Chandler: Oh, uh, I... don't... care. Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess. Lorraine: Hi, Joey. Well well, look what you brought. Very nice. Chandler: ...And what did you bring? Lorraine: She's checking the coats. Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands. Will you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice. Chandler: Janice? Janice: Oh.... my.... God. Chandler: Hey, it's Janice. Chandler: Ok, I'm makin' a break for it, I'm goin' out the window. Joey: No, no, no, don't! I've been waitin' for like, forever to go out with Lorraine. Just calm down. Chandler: Calm down? Calm down? You set me up with the woman that I've dumped twice in the last five months! Joey: Can you stop yellin'? You're makin' me nervous, and I can't go when I'm nervous. Chandler: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right. Come on, do it, do it, go, come on!!! Rachel: Ok, ok, Roger was creepy, but he was nothing compared to Pete Carney. Monica: Which one was Pete Carney? Rachel: Pete the Weeper? Remember that guy who used to cry every time we had sex. "Was it good for you?" Monica: Yeah, well, I'll take a little crying any day over Howard-the-"I-win"-guy. "I win! I win!" I went out with the guy for two months—I didn't get to win once. Rachel: How did we end up with these jerks? We're good people! Monica: I don't know. Maybe we're some kinda magnets. Phoebe: I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch. Monica: There's more beer, right? Phoebe: Oh! You know my friend Abby who shaves her head? She said that if you want to break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a cleansing ritual. Rachel: Pheebes, this woman is voluntarily bald. Phoebe: Yeah. So, we can do it tomorrow night, you guys. It's Valentine's Day. It's perfect. Monica: Ok, well, what kind of ritual? Phoebe: Ok. We can, um, we can burn the stuff they gave us. Rachel: Or? Phoebe: Or...or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks. Monica: Burning's good. Rachel: Burning's good. Yeah, I got stuff to burn. Lorraine: You know, ever since I was little, I've been able to pick up quarters with my toes. Joey: Good for you. Uh, quarters or rolls of quarters? Janice: By the way, Chandler. I cut you out of all my pictures. So if you want, I have a bag with just your heads. Chandler: That's OK. Janice: Oh, are you sure? Really? Because you know, you could make little puppets out of them, and you could use them in your theater of cruelty. Joey: We can't do that. Chandler: What? What can't you do? Joey: Uh, can I talk to you for a second, over there? Joey: Uh, we might be leaving now. Chandler: Tell me it's "you and me" we. Joey: She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and then lick it off. I'm not even sure what slathering is, but I definitely want to be a part of it. Chandler: Ok, you can not do this to me. Joey: You're right, I'm sorry. You're right. Lorraine: Uh, can we have three chocolate mousses to go please? Joey: I'm outta here. Here's my credit card. Dinner's on me. I'm sorry, Chandler. Chandler: I hope she throws up on you. Chandler: So... Janice: Just us. Chandler: Oh, what a crappy night! Janice: Although, I have enjoyed the fact that, uh your shirt's been stickin' outta your zipper ever since you came back from the bathroom. Chandler: Excuse me. How ya doin'? Janice: So, do we have the best friends or what? Chandler: Joey's not a friend. He's...a stupid man who left us his credit card. Another drink? Some dessert? A big screen TV? Janice: I will go for that drink. Chandler: You got it. Good woman! Could we get a bottle of your most overpriced champagne? Janice: Each. Chandler: That's right, each. Oh, and a uh Rob Roy. I've always wanted to know... Janice: Happy Valentine's Day! Janice: Oh, I miss you already. Can you believe this happened? Chandler: No... no! And yet it did. Good-bye, Janice. Janice: Kiss me! (Janice kisses him. Monica comes out for the newspaper.} Monica: Oh, Chandler, sorry. Monica: Ohhh, Chandler, sorry! Hey, Janice. Janice: Hi, Monica. Chandler: Ok, well, this was very special. Monica: Rach, come see who's out here! Rachel: Oh my god. Janice, hi! Chandler: Janice is gonna go away now. Monica: I'll be right back. Rachel: Oh, Joey, look who it is. Joey: Whoa. Chandler: Oh, good, Joey's home now. Janice: This is so fun. This is like a reunion in the hall. Monica: Oh, hi, Ross. Yeah. There's someone I want you to say hi to. He just happened to call. Janice: Hi, Ross. Yes, it's me. How did you know? Ross: I'm just sayin' if dogs do experience jet lag, then, because of the whole um, seven dog years to one human year thing, then, when a dog flies from New York to Los Angeles, he doesn't just lose three hours, he loses like a week and a half. Kristin: That's funny. Who are they? Ross: The blond woman is my ex-wife, and the woman touching her is her... close, personal friend. Kristin: You mean they're lovers. Ross: If you wanna put a label on it. Kristin: Wow, uh, anything else I should know? Ross: Nope, nope, that's it. Ross: Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby. I always forget that part. Helloo! Phoebe: Ok, so now we need, um sage branches and the sacramental wine. Monica: All I have is, is oregano and a Fresca. Phoebe: Um, that's ok! Ok. All right. Now we need the semen of a righteous man. Rachel: Ok, Pheebs, you know what, if we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place. Monica: Can we just start throwing things in? Phoebe: Ok, yeah, ok. Oh, OK. Rachel: Ok, Barry's letters. Adam Ritter's boxer shorts. Phoebe: Ok, and I have the, uh receipt for my dinner with Nokululu Oon Ah Ah. Monica: Look, here's a picture of Scotty Jared naked. Rachel: Hey he's wearing a sweater. Monica: No. Rachel and Phoebe: Eww! Rachel: And here we have the last of Paulo's grappa. Monica: Hey, Rachel, isn't that stuff almost pure... Chandler: How can I dump this woman on Valentine's day? Joey: I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's. Chandler: Oh, man. In my next life, I'm coming back as a toilet brush. Janice: Hello, funny Valentine. Chandler: Hi, Just Janice. Janice: Hello, Joey, our little matchmaker. I could just kiss you all over, and I'm gonna! Joey: If you don't do it, I will. Ross: So, um, what do you do for a living? Kristin: Well, um, for the past few years I've been working.....which is funny because, that wasn't even my major. Carol: Oh no. I thought you said they could shoot the spot without you. Susan: I thought they could...I'll try to get back as soon as I can. I'm sorry. Ross: Now that is funny. Hey, do you think...would it be too weird if I invited Carol over to join us? 'Cause she's, she's alone now, and pregnant, and, and sad. Kristin: I guess. Ross: Are you sure? Great. Carol? Wanna come over and join us? Carol: Oh, no no no. I'm fine. I'm fine. Ross: Come on. These people'll scooch down. You guys'll scooch, won't you? Let's try scooching! Come on. Come on. Uh, Kristen Riggs, this is Carol Willick. Carol, Kristin. Uh, Carol teaches sixth grade. And, Kristin, Kristin......does something that, funnily enough, wasn't even her major! Fireman No. 1: What do we got there? Fireman No. 2: A piece of something: boxer shorts, greeting cards, and what looks like a half-charred picture—Wow, that guy's hairier than the Chief! Monica: You know, it's a really funny story how this happened. Fireman No. 3: It's all right. It's all right. You don't have to explain. This isn't the first boyfriend bonfire that we've seen get out of control. Fireman No. 1: You're our third call tonight. Rachel: Really? Fireman No. 2: Oh, sure, Valentine's is our busiest night of the year. Janice: I brought you something. Chandler: Is it loaded? Oh, little candy hearts. Chan and Jan Forever. Janice: I had them made special. Chandler: Ok, Janice. Janice. Hey, Janice. Look, there's no way for me to tell you this. At least there's no new way for me to tell you this. I just don't things are gonna work out. Janice: That's fine. Chandler: It is? Janice: Mmm-hmm. Because I know that this isn't the end. Chandler: Oh no, you see, actually it is. Janice: No, it isn't, because you won't let that happen. Don't you know it yet? You love me, Chandler Bing. Chandler: Oh, no I don't. Janice: Well then ask yourself this. Why do you think we keep ending up together? New Year's? Who invited who? Valentine's? Who asked who into whose bed? Chandler: I did, but... Janice: You seek me out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn. Janice, Janice. You want me. You need me. You can't live without me. And you know it. You just don't know you know it. See ya. Chandler: Call me! Carol: It's not true. I never called your mother a wolverine. Ross: You did so. I swear, I swear— How long has she been in the bathroom? Carol: Uh, I don't think she's in the bathroom. Her coat is gone. Ross: Well maybe it's cold in there. Or maybe I screwed up the first date I had in 9 years. Carol: That could be it. Ross: Oh, god. Carol: Mushroom. Smile. They won't all be like this. Some women might even stay through dinner. Sorry, that's not funny Ross: No, it's just...you know the whole "getting on with your life" thing. Well, do I have to? I mean, I'm sitting here with this cute woman, and, and, and she's perfectly nice, and, but that there's, that's it. And um, and then I'm here talkin' to you, and, and it's easy, and it's fun, and, and I don't, I don't have to...You know, here's a wacky thought. Um, what's say you and I give it another shot? No no no, I know what you're gonna say, you're a lesbian. But what do you say we just put that aside for now you know? Let's just stick a pin in it, ok? Because, we're great together, you know. You can't deny it. Besides, you're carrying my baby. I mean, how perfect is that? But see, you know, you keep sayin' that, but there's somethin' right here. I love you. Carol: Oh, I love you too. But... Ross: No but, no but. Carol: You know that thing you put over here with the pin in it? It's time to take the pin out. You'll find someone, I know you will. The right woman is just waiting for you. Ross: That's easy for you to say, you found one already. Carol: All you need is a woman who likes men and you'll be set. Carol: Not her. Fireman No. 3: We get off around midnight, why don't we pick you up then? Rachel: So, um, will you bring the truck? Fireman No. 3: I'll even let you ring the bell. Rachel: Oh, my god. Phoebe: See, there you go, the cleansing works! Monica: They're nice guys. Rachel: Oh, they're firemen guys. Fireman No. 1: You guys tell them you were married? Fireman No. 2: No way! Fireman No. 3: Are you kidding? My girlfriend doesn't know, I'm not gonna tell them! End Written by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss Transcribed by: Ruth Curran Rachel: Joey: Thank you. Rachel: Ross: Grazie. Rachel: And a nice hot cider for Monica. Monica: Aww, thank you. Uh Rach? Rachel: Yeah? Monica: Why does my cinamon stick have an eraser? Rachel: Oh! That's why. I'm sorry! Woman: Chandler. Chandler: Mrs. Tedlock. You're looking lovely today. And may I say, that is a very flattering sleeve length on you. Mrs. Tedlock: Yes. Well, Mr. Kostelick wants you to stop by his office at the end of the day. Chandler: Oh, listen. If this is about those prank memos, I had nothing to do with them. Really. Nothing at all. Really. Nothing. Phoebe: Hey you guys! Chandler's coming and he says he has, like, this incredible news, so when he gets here, we could all act like, you know... Chandler: Hey! All: Hey! Phoebe: Never mind. But it was going to be really good. Ross: What's going on? All: What is it? Chandler: So, it's a typical day at work. I'm inputting my numbers, and big Al calls me into his office and tells me he wants to make me processing supervisor. All: That's great! Chandler: So.... I quit. All: Why? Chandler: Why? This was supposed to be a temp job! Monica: Yeah, Chandler... you've been there for five years. Chandler: If I took this promotion, it'd be like admitting that this is what I actually do. Phoebe: So was it a lot more money? Chandler: It doesn't matter. I just don't want to be one of those guys that's in his office until twelve o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS. Rachel: ... the WENUS? Chandler: Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. A processing term. Rachel: Oh. That WENUS. Joey: So what're you going to do? Chandler: I don't know. That's the thing. I don't know what I want to do. I just know I'm not going to figure it out working there. Phoebe: Oooh! I have something you can do! I have this new massage client... Steve? Anyway, he's opening up a restaurant and he's looking for a head chef. Monica: Um... hi there. Phoebe: Hi! Oh, yeah, no, I know. You're a chef. I know, and I thought of you first, but um, Chandler's the one who needs a job right now, so.... Chandler: Yeah... I just don't have that much cheffing experience. Unless it's an all-toast restaurant. Phoebe: Yeah, yeah! Monica: Well, what kind of food is he looking for? Phoebe: Well, he wants to do some ecclectic, so he's looking for someone who can, you know, create the entire menu. Monica: Oh my God! Phoebe: Yeah, I know! So, what do you think? Chandler: Thanks, Phoebe. But I just don't really see myself in a big white hat. Phoebe: OK. Oh Monica! Guess what! Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this shirt? Rachel: No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there. Phoebe: Where are you going, Mr. Suity-Man? Chandler: Well, I have an appointment to see Dr. Robert Pillman, career counselor a-gogo. I added the "a-gogo." Rachel: Career counselor? Chandler: Hey, you guys all know what you want to do. Rachel: I don't! Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream. Ross: Ah, the lesser-known "I don't have a dream" speech. Monica: Oh, I love my life, I love my life! Phoebe: Ooh! Brian's Song! Rachel: The meeting with the guy went great? Monica: So great! He showed me where the restaurant's going to be. It's this, it's this cute little place on 10th Street. Not too big, not too small. Just right. Chandler: Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears? Monica: So anyway, I'm cooking dinner for him Monday night. You know, kind of like an audition. And Phoebe, he really wants you to be here, which will be great for me because then you can 'ooh' and 'ahh' and make yummy noises. Rachel: What are you going to make? Phoebe: Yummy noises. Rachel: And Monica, what are you going to make? Monica: I don't know. I don't know. It's just going to be so great! Phoebe: Ooh! I know what you could make! Ross: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood? Joey: How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free. Ross: OK, ahem, hey, does anybody know a good place if you're not dating a puma? Chandler: Who are you going out with? Phoebe: Oh, is this the bug lady? Rachel: Bzzzz.... I love you, Ross. Ross: Her name is Celia. She's not a bug lady. She's curator of insects at the museum. Rachel: So what are you guys going to do? Ross: Oh, I just thought we could go out to dinner, and then maybe bring her back to my place and I'd introduce her to my monkey. Chandler: And he's not speaking metaphorically. Joey: huh-huh? Ross: Well, I don't know.... huh-huh. Joey: I'm telling you, that monkey is a chick magnet! She's going to take one look at his furry, cute little face and it'll seal the deal. Ross: Celia, don't worry!  Don't scream!  He's not going to hurt you! Soothing tones, Celia. Soothing tones! Marcel... Celia: I can't stand this! He's got his claws in my... Ross: Alright... Monica: OK, try this salmon mousse. Joey: Mmmm. Good. Monica: Is it better than the other salmon mousse? Joey: It's creamier. Monica: Yeah, well, is that better? Joey: I don't know. We're talking about whipped fish, Monica. I'm just happy I'm keeping it down, y'know? Rachel: My God! What happened to you? Chandler: Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests, intelligence tests, personality tests... and what do I learn? "You are ideally suited for a career in data processing for a large multinational corporation." Phoebe: That's so great! 'Cause you already know how to do that! Chandler: Can you believe it? I mean, don't I seem like somebody who should be doing something really cool? You know, I just always pictured myself doing something...something. Rachel: Oh Chandler, I know, I know... oh, hey! You can see your nipples through this shirt! Monica: Here you go, maybe this'll cheer you up. Chandler: Ooh, you know, I had a grape about five hours ago, so I'd better split this with you. Monica: It's supposed to be that small. It's a pre-appetizer. The French call it an amouz-bouche. Chandler: Well.... it is amouz-ing... Monica: Phoebe: Ten dollars an hour for what? Monica: Oh, I asked one of the waitresses at work if she'd help me out. Rachel: Waitressing? Joey: Uh-oh. Monica: Well... of course I thought of you! But... but... Rachel: But, but? Monica: But, you see, it's just... this night has to go just perfect, you know? And, well, Wendy's more of a... professional waitress. Rachel: Oh! I see. And I've sort of been maintaining my amateur status so that I can waitress in the Olympics. Chandler: You know, I don't mean to brag, but I waited tables at Innsbruck in '76. Celia: Talk to me. Ross: OK.... um, a weird thing happened to me on the train this morning... Celia: No no no. Talk... dirty. Ross: Wha... what, here? Celia: Yes... Ross: Ah.... Celia: Say something..... hot. Ross: Er.... um..... Celia: What? Ross: Um... uh.... vulva. Joey: Vulva? Ross: Alright, I panicked, alright? She took me by surprise. You know, but it wasn't a total loss. I mean, we ended up cuddling. Joey: Whoaa!! You cuddled? How many times?? Ross: Shut up! It was nice. I just... I don't think I'm the dirty-talking kind of guy, you know? Joey: What's the big deal? You just say what you want to do to her. Or what you want her to do to you. Or what you think other people might be doing to each other. I'll tell you what. Just try something on me. Ross: Please be kidding. Joey: Why not? Come on! Just, just close your eyes and tell me what you'd like to be doing right now. Ross: OK. I'm in my apartment... Joey: ....yeah... what else? Ross: That's it. I'm in my apartment, you're not there, we're not having this conversation. Joey: Alright, look, I'll start, OK? Ross: Joey, please. Joey: Come on. Come on. Alright, ready, look! Oh... Ross.... you get me so hot. I want your lips on me now. Ross: Wow. Joey: Alright, now you say something. Ross: I... ahem... I really don't think so. Joey: Come on! You like this woman, right? Ross: Yeah. Joey: You want to see her again, right? Ross: Sure. Joey: Well if you can't talk dirty to me, how're you going to talk dirty to her? Now tell me you want to caress my butt! Ross: OK, turn around. I just don't want you staring at me when I'm doing this. Joey: Alright, alright. I'm around. Go ahead. Ross: Ahem... I want.... OK, I want to... feel your... hot, soft skin with my lips. Joey: There you go! Keep going. Keep going! Ross: I, er... Ross: I want to take my tongue... and... Ross: ....and.... Joey: Say it... say it! Ross: ...run it all over your body until you're... trembling with... with... Chandler: ....with?? Ross: Funny story! Joey: You're not going to believe this! Chandler: It's OK. It's OK. I was always rooting for you two kids to get together. Joey: Hey Chandler, while you were sleeping that guy from your old job called again. Chandler: Again? Joey: And again, and again, and again... And again. Chandler: Chandler: Well? Phoebe: Wow! It's huge! It's so much bigger than the cubicle. Oh, this is a cube. Chandler: Look at this! Phoebe: Oh! You have a window! Chandler: Yes indeedy! With a beautiful view of... Phoebe: Oh look! That guy's peeing! Chandler: OK, that's enough of the view. Check this out, look at this. Sit down, sit down. Phoebe: OK. Chandler: This is great! Helen, could you come in here for a moment? Chandler: Thank you Helen, that'll be all. Chandler: Last time I do that, I promise. Monica: Rachel: Who was that? Monica: Wendy bailed. I have no waitress. Rachel: Oh... that's too bad. Bye bye. Monica: Ten dollars an hour. Rachel: No. Monica: Twelve dollars an hour. Rachel: Mon. I wish I could, but I've made plans to walk around. Monica: You know, Rachel, when you ran out of your wedding, I was there for you. I put a roof over your head, and if that means nothing to you... twenty dollars an hour. Rachel: Done. Rachel: Well hello! Welcome to Monica's. May I take your coat? Monica: Hi Steve! Steve: Hello, Monica. Hello, greeter girl. Monica: This is Rachel. Steve: Yeah, OK. Phoebe: of, OK, smells. Steve: It's a lovely apartment. Monica: Oh, thank you. Would you like a tour? Steve: I was just being polite, but, alright. Rachel: What's up? Phoebe: In the cab, on the way over, Steve blazed up a doobie. Rachel: What? Phoebe: Smoked a joint? You know, lit a bone? Weed? Hemp? Ganja? Rachel: OK, OK. I'm with you, Cheech. OK. Steve: Rachel: Let me, let me get you some wine! Monica: Yeah, I think we're ready for our first course. ... ginger. Steve: Well, smack my ass and call me Judy! These are fantastic! Monica: I'm so glad you liked them! Steve: Like 'em? I could eat a hundred of them! Monica: Oh, well... um, that's all there are of these. But in about eight and a half minutes, we'll be serving some delicious onion tartlets. Steve: Tartlets. Tartlets. Tartlets. The word has lost all meaning. Rachel: Excuse me? Can I help you with anything? Steve: You know, I don't know what I'm looking for. Steve: You know, these are... they're like a little corn envelope. Monica: You know that? You don't want to spoil your appetite. Steve: Monica: You know, if you just wait another... six and a half minutes... Steve: Macaroni and cheese! We gotta make this! Monica: No, we don't. Steve: Oh, OK. Monica: Why don't you just have a seat here? OK... give me the Gummi-bears. Steve: No. Monica: Give them to me. Steve: Alright, we'll share. Monica: No, give me the... Steve: Well then you can't have any. "Help!  I'm drowning!   Help!" Monica: That's it! Dinner is over! Steve: What? Monica: What? Steve: Why? Monica: Why? It's just that I've waited seven years for an opportunity like this, and you can't even wait four and a half minutes for a stupid onion tartlet? Steve: Hey! Joey: What a tool! Rachel: You don't want to work for a guy like that. Ross: Yeah! Monica: I know... it's just... I thought this was, you know... it. Ross: Look, you'll get there. You're an amazing chef. Phoebe: Yeah! You know all those yummy noises? I wasn't faking. Joey: So, er... how did it go with Celia? Ross: Oh, I was unbelievable. Joey: All right, Ross! Ross: I was the James Michener of dirty talk. It was the most elaborate filth you have ever heard. I mean, there were characters, plot lines, themes, a motif... at one point there were villagers. Joey: Whoa! And the... huh-huh? Ross: Well, ahem... you know, by the time we'd finished with all the dirty talk, it was kinda late... and we were both kind of exhausted, so uh... Joey: You cuddled. Ross: Yeah, which was nice. Phoebe: You guys wanna try and catch a late movie or something? Rachel: Maybe, but shouldn't we wait for Chandler? Joey: Yeah, where the hell is he? Chandler: Whooooaaaa.... Phoebe: How's this? Steve: Eeeee! Phoebe: Sorry. How about over here? Steve: Aaaaah! Phoebe: See, that just means it's working. Does this hurt? Steve: No. Phoebe: What about this? Steve: Aaaaahhh!! Phoebe: There you go! End Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly With Minot Adjustments by: Tennant Stuart Chandler: This is unbelievable. It’s been like a half an hour. If this was a cartoon, you’d be looking like a ham right about now. Joey: There’s the waitress. Excuse me, Miss. Hello, Miss? Chandler: It’s Phoebe! Hi! Ursula: Hi. Okay, will that be all? Chandler: Wait, wait! Wh-what are you doing here? Ursula: Yeah, um, I was over there, then you said, "Excuse me, hello Miss," so now I’m here. Joey: No, no... how come you are working here? Ursula: Right, yeah, ’cause its close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute. Chandler: Can we start over? Ursula: Yeah. Okay great. I’m gonna be over here. Chandler and Joey: No, no, no! Opening Credits Ross: I don’t know whether he’s testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, "supposedly" by accident. Rachel: No, yeah, I’ve done that. Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did, and peed all over the crossword. Rachel: I’ve never done that. Chandler: All right, now look at her and tell me she doesn’t look exactly like her sister. Joey: I’m sayin’ I see a difference. Chandler: They’re twins! Joey: I don’t care. Phoebe’s Phoebe. Ursula’s... hot! Chandler: You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things? Joey: Yeah. Chandler: Let’s not do that any more. All: Hey guys! Hey! Joey: Hey Pheebs, guess who we saw today. Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, fun! Okay... um, Liam Neeson. Joey: Nope. Phoebe: Morly Safer. Joey: Nope. Phoebe: The woman who cuts my hair! Monica: Okay, look, this could be a really long game. Chandler: Your sister Ursula. Phoebe: Oh, really. Chandler: Yeah, yeah, she works over at that place, uh... Phoebe: Rift’s. Yeah, I know. Chandler: Oh, you do? Because she said you guys haven’t talked in like years. Phoebe: Hmmm? Yeah. So, um, is she fat? Joey: Not from where I was standin’. Phoebe: where were you standing? Rachel: Um, Pheebs, so, you guys just don’t get along? Phoebe: It’s mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking, even though I did it... later that same day. But, to my parents, by then it was like "yeah, right, well what else is new?" Ross: Oh, Pheebs, I’m sorry, I’ve got to go. I’ve got Lamaze class. Chandler: Oh, and I’ve got Earth Science, but I'll catch you in Gym. Rachel: So, is this just gonna be you and Carol? Ross: No, Susan’s gonna be there too. We’ve got dads, we’ve got lesbians, the whole parenting team. Rachel: Well, isn’t, isn’t that gonna be weird? Ross: No, no. I mean, it mighta been at first, but by now I, I think I’m pretty comfortable with the whole situation. Monica: Ross, that’s my jacket. Ross: I know. Woman: Hi, we’re the Rostins. Err, I’m J.C., and he’s Michael, and we’re having a boy, and a girl. Teacher: Good for you. Alrighty, next? Ross: Hi, um, I’m err, ..who’s next? Teacher: I’m sorry, I didn’t get... Susan is? Ross: Susan is Carol’s, Carol’s, Carol’s, friend... Carol: Life partner. Ross: Like buddies. Susan: Like lovers. Ross: You know how close women can get. Carol: Susan and I live together. Ross: Although I was married to her. Susan: Carol, not me. Ross: Err, right. Carol: It’s a little complicated. Ross: A little. Susan: But we’re fine. Ross: Absolutely. Ouch. Chandler: And to you too, Helen. Helen: Nina Bookbinder is here to see you. Chandler: Oh, okay. Send her in. Nina: Hi. Chandler: Hi, Nina. Come on in. Nina: You wanted to see me? Chandler: Uh, Yes. Yes. I’ve just been going over your data here, and little thing, you’ve been post-dating your Friday numbers. Nina: Which is bad, because? Chandler: Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack. Nina: Your... excuse me? Chandler: WENUS. Weekly Estimated Net... Nina: Oh, Net Usage Statistics, right. Gotcha, gotcha. Won’t happen again. I wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt your... "wenus." Chandler: It’s not just that she’s cute, okay. It’s just that... she’s really really cute. Ross: It doesn’t matter. You don’t dip your pen in the company ink. Monica: Ross, your little creature’s got the remote again. Ross: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right now... Marce... you give Rossie the remote... Monica: Great. Ross: Relax, I’ll fix it. Rachel: Cool... "Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel." Ross: How did he do this? Chandler: So tell me something, is leaving the Christmas lights up part of your plan to keep us merry all year long? Monica: Ah no, you see, someone was supposed to take them down around New Year’s... but obviously someone forgot. Rachel: Well, someone was supposed to write "Rach, take down the lights" and put it on the re... frigerate... How long has that been there? Chandler: Hey, where you been? Joey: I went back to Riff’s. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna meltt and four plates of curly fries. Chandler: Score. Joey: She is so hot! Chandler: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by err... Joey: Pheebs? Phoebe: Yeah? Joey: You think it would be okay if I asked out your sister? Phoebe: Why? Why would you wanna... do that?  Why? Joey: So that if we went out on a date, she’d be there. Phoebe: Well, I mean, I’m not my sister’s, you know, whatever, and um... I mean, it’s true, we were one egg, once, but err, you know, we’ve grown apart, so, um... I don’t know, why not? Okay. Joey: Cool, thanks. Ross: You okay? Phoebe: Yeah I’m fine. Ross: You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley? Ross: Sorry. Ross: Hi. Sorry I’m late. Where’s, where’s Carol? Susan: Stuck at school. Some parent-teacher thing. You can go. I’ll get the information. Ross: No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we should both know what’s going on. Susan: Oh, good. This’ll be fun. Teacher: Alrighty. We’re gonna start with some basic third stage breathing exercises, so Mummies, why don’t you get on your back? And... coaches, you should be supporting Mummy’s head. Ross and Susan: What? What? What? Susan: I am supposed to be the mommy? Ross: Okay, I’m gonna play my sperm card one more time. Susan: Look, I don’t see why I should have to miss out on the coaching training just because I’m a woman. Ross: I see. So what do you propose to do? Susan: I will flip you for it. Ross: Flip me for it? No, no, no... heads, heads, heads! Susan: On your back... Mom. Teacher: Alright, Mommies, take a nice deep cleansing breath. Teacher: Good. Now imagine your vagina is opening like a flower. Chandler: Mr. D, how’s it going, sir? Mr. Douglas: Ohh, it’s been better. The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in. Chandler: And? Mr. Douglas: It’s pretty ugly. We haven’t seen an ANUS this bad since the seventies. Chandler: So what does this mean? Mr. Douglas: Well, we’re gonna be layin’ off people in every department. Chandler: Hey, listen, I know I came in late last week, but I slept funny, and my hair was very very – Mr. Douglas: Not you. Relax. Ever have to fire anyone? Chandler: Nina? Nina. Nina. Nina: Are you okay? Chandler: Yes, yes I am. Err, listen, the reason that I called you in here today was, err... please don’t hate me. Nina: What? Chandler: Would you like to have dinner sometime? Rachel: So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday? Phoebe: Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me. Rachel: Okay... Let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree and Evelyn? Phoebe: Ooh! Bath salts would be nice. Rachel: Ooh, okay... good. Jamie: What is this place? Fran: Look, you’re cold, I have to pee, and... ..there’s a cup of coffee on the window. How bad could it be? Jamie: I think we have an answer. Fran: What’s she doing here? Jamie: This could be God’s way of telling us to eat at home. Fran: Think she got fired at Riff’s? Jamie: No, no, no. We were there last night. She kept... are you gonna go to the, um? Fran: I’m gonna wait till after we order. It’s her, right. Jamie: It looks like her. Jamie: Um, excuse me. Phoebe: Yeah? Jamie: Hi, it’s us. Phoebe: Right, and it’s me. Jamie: So, so you’re here too? Phoebe: Much as you are. Jamie: Your turn. Fran: Err... we know what we want. Phoebe: Oh, that’s good. Jamie: All we want is two Caffe Lattes. Fran: And some biscottie cookies. Phoebe: Good choice. Jamie: Definitely her. Fran: Yeah. Commercial break Monica: I can’t believe you. You still haven’t told that girl she doesn’t have a job yet? Chandler: Well, you still haven’t taken down the Christmas lights. Monica: Congratulations, I think you’ve found the world’s thinnest argument. Chandler: I’m just trying to find the right moment, you know? Rachel: Oh, well, that shouldn’t be so hard, now that you’re dating. "Sweetheart, you’re fired, but how ’bout a quickie before I go to work?" Joey: Hey. Rachel and Chandler: Hey. Chandler: You know, once you’re inside, you don’t have to knock any more. Monica: I’ll get it. Monica: Oh. Hi, Mr.Heckles. Mr.Heckles: You’re doing it again. Monica: We’re not doing anything. We’re just sitting around talking, quietly. Mr.Heckles: I can hear you through the ceiling. My cats can’t sleep. Rachel: You don’t even have cats. Mr.Heckles: I could have cats. Monica: Goodbye Mr.Heckles. Rachel: We’ll try to keep it down. Joey: Phoebe, could you do me a favour? Could you try this on? I just wanna make sure it fits. Phoebe: Ooh, my first birthday present... ..oh, this is really... Joey: Oh, no no no. It’s for Ursula. I just figured, you know, size-wise. Phoebe: Ohhh... Sure, yeah... ..okay, it fits. Rachel: Are you seein’ her again tonight? Joey: Yep. Ice Capades. Chandler: Wow, this is serious. I’ve never known you to pay money for any kind of capade. Joey: I don’t know. I like her, you know. She’s different. There’s uh, somethin’ about her. Phoebe: That you like, we get it. You like her. Great! Joey: Hey, Phoebe, I asked you, and you said it was okay. Phoebe: Alright, well, maybe now it’s not okay. Joey: Okay... Well maybe now I’m not okay with it not being okay. Phoebe: Okay. Chandler: Knit, good woman, knit, knit! Chandler: And that’s the Chrysler Building right there. Mr. Douglas: Nina. Nina: Mr.Douglas... ..cool tie. Mr. Douglas: She’s still here. Chandler: Yes, yes she is. Didn’t I memo you on this? See, after I let her go, err, I got a call from her psychiatrist, Dr. Flanen-nen, Dr. Flanen, Dr. Flan. Chandler: And err, he informed me that uh, she took the news rather badly, in fact, he uh, mentioned the word frenzy. Mr. Douglas: You’re kidding? She seems so... Chandler: Oh, no, no. Nina... ..she is whooo wewee-woo whoo whoo! In fact, if you asked her right now, she would have no recollection of being fired at all, none at all. Mr. Douglas: That’s unbelievable. Chandler: And yet, believable. So I decided not to fire her again until I can be assured that she will be no threat to herself, or others. Mr. Douglas: I see. I guess you never really know what’s goin’ on inside a person’s head. Chandler: Well, I guess that’s why they call it psychology, sir. Soothing male voice: ..a sound Mom and Dad never forget. For this after all, is the miracle of birth. Teacher: Lights please? And that’s having a baby. Next week is our final class. Ross: Susan, go deep. Carol: This is impossible. It’s just impossible. Susan: What is, honey? Carol: What that woman... did. I am not doin’ that. It’s just gonna have to stay in, that’s all, everything will be the same, it’ll just stay in. Ross: Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, everything’s gonna be alright. Carol: Oh, what do you know?  No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril?  Mind if we push this pot roast through it?" Susan: Carol, Carol, sweetie. Cleansing breath. Susan: I know it’s frightening, but, big picture. The birth part is just one day, and when it’s over, we’re all gonna be parents for the rest of our lives. Susan: I mean, that’s what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross? Ross: I’m gonna be a father. Rachel: This is just occurring to you? Ross: I always knew I was havin’ a baby, I just never realised the baby was having me. Rachel: Oh, you’re gonna be great! Ross: Aw, how can you say that? I can’t even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid? Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different. Phoebe: Where’re you going? Joey: Out. Phoebe: With? Joey: Yes. Phoebe: Alright, could I just ask you one question? Phoebe: Have you two, you know... like... you know... you know... yet? Joey: Well, not that it’s any of your business, but, no, we haven’t, okay? Joey: You meant sex, right? Nina: Do you have a sec? Chandler: Ah, sure, Nina. What’s up? Nina: I don’t know. For the past couple days, people have been avoiding me and giving me these really strange looks. Chandler: Oh, well, ah... maybe that’s because they’re ah... jealous, of us. Nina: Maybe. But that doesn’t explain why they keep taking my scissors. Chandler: Ah, well, maybe that’s, ah, because you’re getting a big raise. Nina: I am? Chandler: Sure, why not? Nina: Oh my god! You’re amazing! Chandler: Oh, you don’t know. Helen, could you make sure we put through the paperwork on Miss Bookbinder’s raise? Helen: So you still want me to send her psychological profile to Personnel? Nina: What? Chandler: Helen drinks. Will you marry me? Chandler: Well, I ended up telling her everything. Rachel: Oh, how’d she take it? Chandler: Pretty well. Except for the stapler thing. ..on the desk. Monica: Okay, I think I get how to do this. Phoebe: Alright, so, can we turn this off? Can we just make it... make them go away? Because I can’t, I can’t watch. Monica: okay, Pheebs, they’re gone. Phoebe: Okay. Monica: Are you alright? Phoebe: Yeah. It’s just, you know, it’s this whole stupid Ursula thing, it’s... Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, can I ask? So, he’s going out with her. I mean, is it really so terrible? Phoebe: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, I’m not saying she’s like evil or anything. She just, you know, she’s always breaking my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldn’t let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. And then, oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like... Have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best friend? Monica and Rachel: No. Phoebe: Well, but that’s what he was for me. And she you know, kind of stole him away, and then... broke his heart... and then he wouldn’t even talk to me any more. Because he said he didn’t wanna be around... anything that looked like either one of us. Rachel: Oh... Oh, Pheebs. Phoebe: I mean, I know Joey is not my boyfriend, or my thermos, or anything, but... Chandler: You’re not gonna lose him. Monica: Hon, you gotta talk to Joey. Phoebe: Yeah. Okay. Ross: No, come on, he doesn’t know this stuff. If he knew how you felt. Phoebe: But he’s falling in love with her. Rachel: Oh please, they’ve been going out a week. They haven’t even slept together yet, I mean, that’s not serious. Phoebe: Okay... Okay. Phoebe: Oh, okay, oh. Ursula: Oh. Ursula: Yeah, um, may we help you? Closing Credits Monica: Rachel, what are you doing? It’s freezing out here. Would you come back inside? Rachel: No no no no no. You wanted me to take them down, so... Monica: Oh-my-god Rachel! Rachel! Rachel: Mr. Heckles, Mr. Heckles could you help me please? Mr.Heckles: See, this is just the kind of thing I was talking about. End Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly With Minor Adjustments by: Tennant Stuart Opening Credits Rachel: Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Monica: Hi. Uh, my friend here was taking down our Christmas lights, and and she fell off the balcony and may have broken her foot or or ankle or something. Nurse: My god. You still have your Christmas lights up? Nurse: Fill this out and bring it back to me. Rachel: Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Monica: Okay, ooh, alright. Name, address... Okay, in case of emergency, call? Rachel: You. Monica: Really? Rachel: Yeah. Monica: Oh, that is so sweet. Oh gosh, love you. Insurance? Rachel: Oh, yeah, check it. Definitely, I want some of that. Monica: you don't have insurance? Rachel: Why, how much is this gonna cost? Monica: I have no idea, but X-rays alone could be a couple hundred dollars. Rachel: Wel-wel-well what are we gonna do? Monica: Well there's not much we can do. Rachel: Um... unless, unless I use yours. Monica: Hah, no no no no no no no no no no. Rachel: well, now, wait a second, who did I just put as my "In case of emergency" person? Monica: That's insurance fraud. Rachel: Well, alright, then, forget it. Might as well just go home. Ow ow ow ow! Monica: Okay, okay. I hate this. Rachel: Thank you. Thank you. I love you. Monica: . Nurse: Why? Monica: I put mine. Nurse: You are an idiot. . Monica: . Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid. Chandler and Joey: That's nice. Ross: No, no, with him. I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby... and I, I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defence is comin' right at me. Joey: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team. Ross: Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, hah-hah, I just heave it down field. Chandler: What are you crazy? That's a baby! Joey: He should take the sack? Ross: Anyway, suddenly I'm down field, and I realise that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See I, I am so not ready to be a father. Chandler: Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad. Joey: Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking. Joey: Oh, have either one of you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it real expensive? Chandler: Well, only if you order stuff. Joey: I'm takin' Ursula tonight. It's her birthday. Ross: Wo-wo-whoa. What about Phoebe's birthday? Joey: When's that? Ross: Tonight. Joey: Oh, man. What're the odds of that happening? Ross: You take your time. Chandler: There it is! So what're you gonna do? Joey: What can I do? Look, I don't want to do anything to screw it up with Ursula. Chandler: And your friend Phoebe? Joey: Well, if she's my friend, hopefully she'll understand. I mean, wouldn't you guys? Chandler: Man, if you tried something like that on my birthday, you'd be starin' at the business end of a hissy fit. Dr. Mitchell: ..you add a pinch of saffron, it makes all the difference. Dr. Mitchell: Okay, errrr, Monica? Monica: Yes? ..yes, she is. Rachel : Hi, this is my friend Rachel. Monica : Hi. Dr. Mitchell: Hi, err Rachel. I'm Dr.Mitchell. Dr. Rosen: And I'm his friend, Dr.Rosen. Rachel: Aren't you a little cute to be a doctor? Dr. Rosen: Excuse me? Rachel: I meant er, young, young, I meant young, young to be a doctor. Oh good, Rach. Monica : Thank you. Rachel : Right. Rachel: ..so, he said it was just a sprain, and that was it. Monica: Uh, you left out the stupid part. Rachel: Not stupid. The very cute, cute, cute doctors asked us out for tomorrow night, and I said "yes." Monica: I think it's totally insane, I mean, they work for the hospital. It's like returning to the scene of the crime. You know, I say we blow off the dates. Rachel: What? Monica, they are cute, they are doctors, cute doctors, doctors who are cute! Chandler: Alright, what have we learned so far? The Whole Party: SURPRISE!!! Ross: What the hell are you doing? You scared the crap outta me. Rachel: Was that the cake? Ross: Yeah, yeah. I got a lemon schmush. Monica: Come on, she'll be here any minute. Rachel: I hope it's okay. Monica: Oh... Chandler: "Happy Birthday Peehe." Monica: Well maybe we can make a, a, a 'B' out of one of those roses. Ross: Yeah, we'll just use our special cake tools. Phoebe: Hey, what's going on? Ross: Oh, we just... Phoebe's Friends: Surprise! Phoebe: Where's Joey? Chandler: Did you see Betty? Mr. Geller: I tell you one thing, I wouldn't mind having a piece of this sun-dried tomato business. Five years ago, if somebody had said to me, here's a tomato that looks like a prune, I'd say "get out of my office!" Ross: Dad, before I was born, did you freak out at all? Mr. Geller: I'm not freaking out, I'm just saying, if somebody had come to me with the idea andndash; Ross: Dad, dad, dad, I'm talkin' about the whole uh, baby thing. Did you uh, ever get this sort of... panicky, "Oh my god I'm gonna be a father" kind of a thing? Mr. Geller: No. Your mother really did the work. I was busy with the business. I wasn't around that much. Is that what this is about? Ross: No, no, Dad, I was just wondering. Mr. Geller: 'Cause there's time to make up for that. We can do stuff together. You always wanted to go to that Colonial Williamsburg. How 'bout we do that? Ross: Thanks, Dad, really, I ju... you know, I just, I just needed to know, um... when did you start to feel like a father? Mr. Geller: Oh, well, I, I guess it musta been the day after you were born. We were in the hospital room, your mother was asleep, and they brought you in and gave you to me. You were this ugly little red thing, and all of a sudden you grabbed my finger with your whole fist. And you squeezed it, so tight. And that's when I knew. Mr. Geller: So you don't wanna go to Williamsburg? Ross: No, we can go to Williamsburg. Mr. Geller: Eat your fish. Monica: Rachel, the cute doctors are here. Rachel: Okay, coming! Monica: Hi, come on in. Dr. Mitchell: Hey. Monica: Hi, Geoffrey. Rachel: Hi. Dr. Rosen: Ah here, we brought wine. Dr. Mitchell: Look at this, it's from the cellars of Ernest and Tova Borgnine, so how could we resist? Rachel: Oh, that's great. Look at that. Dr. Rosen: So, Monica, how's the ankle? Monica: It's uh... Monica : ..well, why don't you tell them? After all it, is your ankle. Rachel STAT! Rachel: Okay, listen, I'm thinking, why don't we just tell them who we really are? I mean, it'll be fine, I really think it'll be fine. Monica: It will not be fine. We'll get in trouble. Rachel: Oh, Monica! Would you stop being such a wuss? Monica: A wuss? Excuse me for living in the real world, okay? Dr. Mitchell: So? Dr. Rosen: So... they sss-still seem normal. Dr. Mitchell: That's because they are. Dr. Rosen: okay, but you have to admit that every time we go out... Women we meet at the hospital... It turns into... Dr. Mitchell: Willya relax? Look around. No pagan altars, no piles of bones in the corners, they're fine. Monica: I said we are not going to do it, okay? Sometimes you can be such a, a big baby. Rachel: I am not a baby! You know what? I swear to god, just because you get so uptight every time we... Monica: Sure, every time, you're such a princess... Rachel: You know what? Monica: What? Rachel: You know what? Monica: What!? Rachel: You know what? Monica: What!!? Rachel: Every day, you are becoming more and more like your mother. Rachel: Hello! Here we go! Dr. Rosen: This is a great place. How long have you lived here? Rachel: Thanks! I've been here about six years, and Rachel moved in a few months ago. Monica: ..see, I was supposed to get married, but, um, I left the guy at the altar. Dr. Mitchell: Really? Monica: Why don't you try the hummus? Dr. Rosen: So, Monica, what do you do? Rachel: Aahh, I'm a... chef at a restaurant uptown. Dr. Rosen: Good for you. Rachel: Yeah it is, mostly because I get to boss people around, which I just love to do. Dr. Rosen: This hummus is great. Dr. Mitchell: God bless the chickpea. Monica: Oh, god, I am so spoiled... That's it! Rachel: And by the way, have I mentioned that back in high school, I was a cow? Monica: I used to wet my bed. Rachel: I use my breasts to get other people's attention. Monica: We both do that! Dr. Mitchell: ..ah, Rachel, it's your dad. Monica: li-listen, Dad, I can't talk right now, um, but there's something, um... there's something that I've been meaning to tell you... Rachel: Would you excuse me for a second? Monica: Well, Billy Dreskin and I had sex on your bed. Commercial Break Rachel: ...dead! Monica: Ross, he's got the remote again. Ross: Good. Maybe he can switch it back. Ross: Maybe not. Rachel: Hello? Okay ah, hold on a second, lemme lemme just check and see if see if she's here. Rachel: It's the woman from the hospital admissions office. She says there's a problem with the form. Oh, god, oh god... Rachel and Monica: Oh god, waddawe do, waddawe do, waddawe do? Monica: I don't know! Why don't you just explain? What do they want? Find out what they want! Rachel: Okay no, you do it. Monica: Rachel: What? Monica: We forgot to sign one of the admissions forms. Rachel: Ohhh... Okay, you were right. You were right! This was just not worth it. Monica: Thank you. Rachel: Okay, let me just change. Monica: Yes. Joey: Hey. Ross and Chandler: Hey! Monica: Hi. Phoebe: Trouble? Joey: Your sister stood me up the other night. Phoebe: Oh, no. Don't you hate it when people aren't there for you? Ross: Well did you try calling her? Joey: I've been trying for two days. When I called the restaurant, they said she was too busy to talk. I can't believe she's blowin' me off. Phoebe: Hey. Ursula: Oh! Phoebe: Um you, you got a minute? Ursula: Um, yeah, I'm just... ..working. Phoebe: So. Ursula: Uh-huh. Phoebe: Um, oh, I got you a birthday present. Ursula: Oh, wow! You remembered! Oh! It's a Judy Jetson thermos! Phoebe: Right, like the kind you... Ursula: Right... Oh, I got something for you, too. Phoebe: How'd you know I was coming? Ursula: Um, yeah, um, twin thing. Phoebe: I can't believe you did this. Phoebe: I can't believe you... ..did this. Phoebe: So... What's the deal with umm, you and Joey? Ursula: Oh, right. He is so great. But that's over. Phoebe: Does he know? Ursula: Who? Phoebe: Joey. You know, um, he's really nutsy about you. Ursula: He is? Why? Phoebe: You got me. Ursula: Right. Ursula: Excuse me. Doesn't this come with a side salad? Phoebe: So, um, are you gonna call him? Ursula: What? Do you think he likes me? Phoebe: No, Joey. Ursula: Oh. No, no, he is so smart. He'll figure it out. Do you want some chicken? Phoebe: No. No food with a face. Ursula: You have not changed! Phoebe: Yeah, you too. Rachel: Hi, remember us? Nurse: Mmm hmmm. Monica: 'cause um... Nurse: You're that stupid. Monica: Rachel: Yeah, and and, I'm just gonna pay for this with a check. Nurse: Well, you know your insurance will cover that. Rachel: ..I'm I'm just not that bright either. Chandler: Okay, worst case scenario. Say you never feel like a father. Ross: Uh-huh. Chandler: Say your son never feels connected to you, as one. Say all of his relationships are affected by this. Ross: Do you have a point? Chandler: You know, you think I would. Chandler: What's up with the simian? Ross: It's just a fur ball. Chandler: Okay... ..whose turn is it? Ross: Yours, I just got 43 points for 'KIDNEY'. Chandler: No, no, you got zero points for 'IDNEY'. Ross: I had a 'K'. Where's where's my 'K'? Ross: You've got to help me my monkey swallowed a 'K'! Nurse: You go get that animal outta here. Ross: No, no you don't understand the animal hospital is way across town he's choking I don't know what else to do. Monica: What's goin' on? Chandler: Marcel swallowed a Scrabble tile. Rachel: Oh. Nurse: Excuse me... This hospital is for people! Ross: Lady, he is people. He has a name, okay? He watches Jeopardy! He he touches himself when nobody's watching. Please, please have a heart! Dr. Mitchell: I'll take a look at him. Rachel and Monica: Oh, thank you. Monica: Michael. Dr. Mitchell: Rachel. Rachel: What? Monica: Monica. Rachel: Oh. Monica: Hi. Rachel: Hi. Phoebe: Hey. Joey: Urse... Joey: ..ah, what're you doing here? I've been trying to call you. Phoebe: Listen, um... Joey: No, no, no, don't say "listen." I know that "listen." I've said that "listen." Phoebe: I'm sorry. Joey: I don't get it. What happened? What about everything you said under the bridge? Phoebe: You know you, you should just forget about what I said under the bridge, I was talkin' crazy that night, I was so drunk! Joey: You don't drink. Phoebe: That's right, I don't... But I was, I was drunk on you! Joey: Oh, Urse... Phoebe: Okay, yeah, so it's not gonna work. Joey: Why? Is it because I'm friends with Phoebe? Phoebe: If it was, would you stop hanging out with her? Joey: no. No, I, I couldn't do that. Phoebe: Um, then yes, it's 'cause of Phoebe! So, you know, it's either her or me. Joey: Then, uh, then I'm sorry. Phoebe: You're gonna be really, really hard to get over. Joey: I know... Joey: I don't know whether it's just 'cause we're breakin' up or... what, but you have never looked so beautiful. Phoebe: Really? Joey: Pheebs? Phoebe: Ross: He looks so tiny. Joey: We just got the message. Phoebe: Is he alright? Ross: Yeah. The doctor got the 'K' out. He also found an 'M' and an 'O'. Chandler: We think he was trying to spell out 'MONKEY.' Ross: Well, the doctor says he's gonna be fine, he's just sleeping now. Chandler: So, you feel like a dad yet? Ross: No, why? Chandler: Hey, come on, you came through, you did what you had to do. That is very dad. Monica: Oh, look, he's waking up! Ross: hey, fella! How you doing? Closing Credits Ross: Aqui est�. Monica: �A qui�n pidio el pollo General Tso? Chandler: �Pudo aver sido General Tso! Rachel: �Mira, mira, el viejo desnudo est� haciendo el hula hoop! All:�Ewww! All: �Hola, Joey! Joey: �Hola, amigos! Monica: Mira, Ross, Marcel se llevo el control remoto. Ross: �Lo que sucedio es que no le gusta la tele! End Ross: Uh, Rach, we're running low on resumes over here. Monica: Do you really want a job with Popular Mechanics? Chandler: Well, if you're gonna work for mechanics, those are the ones to work for. Rachel: Hey, look, you guys, I'm going for anything here, OK? I cannot be a waitress anymore, I mean it. I'm sick of the lousy tips, I'm sick of being called 'Excuse me...' Ross: Rach, did you proofread these? Rachel: Uh... yeah, why? Ross: Uh, nothing, I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent compuper skills. Rachel: Oh my Goood! Oh, do you think it's on all of them? Joey: Oh no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few. Opening Credits Monica: Hey, guys. Chandler and Ross: Hey. Rachel: Hey... hi, ladies... uh, can I get you anything? : Did you bring the mail? Monica: Lots of responses. Rachel: : OK, read them to me. Phoebe: Rachel: : We have apple cinnamon... Monica: Phoebe: Wow! Rachel: What? Phoebe: : Your Visa bill is huge! Rachel: Give me that! Chandler: You know, I can't believe you. Linda is so great! Why won't you go out with her again? Ross: I don't know. Chandler: Is this still about her whole 'The Flintstones could've really happened' thing? Ross: No, it's not just that. It's just—I want someone who... who does something for me, y'know? Who gets my heart pounding, who... who makes me, uh... Chandler: ...little playthings with yarn? Ross: What? Chandler: Could you want her more? Ross: Who? Chandler: Dee, the sarcastic sister from Whats Happening. Ross: Look, I am totally, totally over her, OK, I just... : Hiiii! Rachel: Hi! How are you? Ross: We're fine, we're fine. Rachel: OK. Joey: Shut up! Chandler: We're not—we're not saying anything. Phoebe: What? Ross: Uhhhh... Joey cried last night. Joey: Thank you. Chandler: We were playing poker, alright... Joey: There was chocolate on the three. It looked like an eight, alright? Ross: Oh, guys, you should've seen him. 'Read 'em and weep.' Chandler: And then he did. Rachel: Well, now, how come you guys have never played poker with us? Phoebe: Yeah, what is that? Like, some kind of guy thing? Like, some kind of sexist guy thing? Like it's poker, so only guys can play? Ross: No, women are welcome to play. Phoebe: Oh, OK, so then what is it? Some kind of... you know, like, like... some kind of, y'know, like... alright, what is it? Chandler: There just don't happen to be any women in our games. Joey: Yeah, we just don't happen to know any women that know how to play poker. Girls: Oh, yeah, right. Monica: Oh, please, that is such a lame excuse! Rachel: Really. Monica: I mean, that's a typical guy response. Ross: Excuse me, do any of you know how to play? Girls: No. Rachel: But you could teach us. Guys: No. Chandler: OK, so now we draw cards. Monica: So I wouldn't need any, right? Cause I have a straight. Rachel: Oh, good for you! Phoebe: Congratulations! Chandler: OK Phoebs, how many do you want? Phoebe: OK, I just need two... the, um, ten of spades and the six of clubs. Ross: No. No, uh, Phoebs? You can't—you can't do... Rachel: Oh wait, I have the ten of spades! Here! Ross: No, no. Uh... no, see, uh, you-you can't do that. Rachel: Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no, that's OK, I don't need them. I'm going for fours. Ross: Oh, you're... Monica: Alright, here we go. We've got salmon roulettes and assorted crudites. Phoebe and Rachel: OOooooo! Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Monica, what're you doin'? This is a poker game. You can't serve food with more than one syllable. It's gotta be like chips, or dip, or pretz... Chandler: OK, so at this point, the dealer... Monica: Alright, you know, we got it, we got it. Let's play for real. High stakes... big bucks... Ross: Alright, now, you sure? Phoebe just threw away two jacks because they didn't look happy... Phoebe: But... I'm ready, so, just deal. Chandler: OK, alright, last minute lesson, last minute lesson. Alright babe, deal the cards. Monica: Dammit, dammit, dammit! Phoebe: : Oh I see, so then, you were lying. Joey: About what? Phoebe: About how good your cards were. Joey: Heh... I was bluffing. Phoebe: A-ha! And... what is bluffing? Is it not another word for... lying? Rachel: OK, sorry to break up this party, but I've got resumes to fax before work tomorrow... Guys: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Chandler: Rach, Rach, we gotta settle. Rachel: Settle what? Chandler: The... Jamestown colony of Virginia. You see, King George is giving us the land, so... Ross: The game, Rachel, the game. You owe us money for the game. Rachel: Oh. Right. Joey: You know what, you guys? It's their first time, why don't we just forget about the money, alright? Monica: Hell no, we'll pay! Phoebe: OK, Monica? I had another answer all ready. Monica: And you know what? We want a rematch. Ross: Well that's fine with me. Could use the money. Rachel: : So basically, you get your ya-yas by taking money from all of your friends. Ross: ...Yeah. Chandler: Yes, and I get my ya-yas from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less. Ross: Look, Rachel, this is poker. I play to win, alright? In order for me to win, other people have to lose. So if you're gonna play poker with me, don't expect me to be a 'nice guy,' OK? Cause once those cards are dealt... Joey: ...Yeah? Ross: I'm not a nice guy. Ross: Alright boys, let's eat. Chandler: Oh, did you get that from the 'I Love Rachel' pizzeria? Ross: You still on that? Chandler: Oh, come on. What was with that whole Black Bart speech? : "When I play poker, I'm not a nice guy!" Ross: You are way off, pal. Joey: No, I don't think so, see Ross, because I think you love her. Ross: Um.... no. See, I might've had feelings for her at one time—not any more. I just—I... Ross: Marcel! Where are you going with that disc? Ross: You are not putting that on again! Marcel, OK—if you press that button, you are in very, very big trouble. Rachel: Can you believe what a jerk Ross was being? Monica: Yeah, I know. He can get really competitive. Phoebe: Ha. Ha, ha. Monica: What? Phoebe: Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black. Monica: Please! I am not as bad as Ross. Rachel: Oh, I beg to differ. The Pictionary incident? Monica: That was not an incident! I-I was gesturing, a-and the plate slipped out of my hand. Rachel: Oooooh. : Oh! I got an interview! I got an interview! Monica: You're kidding! Where? Where? Rachel: : Sak's... Fifth... Avenue. Monica: Oh, Rachel! Phoebe: Oh, it's like the mother ship is calling you home. Monica: Well, what's the job? Rachel: Assistant buyer. Oh! I would be shopping... for a living! Monica: OK, look. That is Aunt Iris. This woman has been playing poker since she was five. You gotta listen to every word she says. Hi! Aunt Iris: Is Tony Randall dead? Rachel: No. Monica: I don't think so. Rachel: Why? Aunt Iris: Well, he may be now, because I think I hit him with my car. Monica: What? Rachel: Oh my God! Monica: Really? Aunt Iris: No! That's bluffing. Lesson number one. : Nice earrings. Phoebe: Thank y... Aunt Iris: Girls, sit down. Monica: Uh, Aunt Iris? This is Phoebe, and that's Rachel... Aunt Iris: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, listen, I am parked at a meter. Let's do it. Phoebe: Ross, could we please, please, please listen to anything else? Ross: Alright. Ross: I'm gonna pay for that tonight. Rachel: Hi! Ross: Hey. Rachel: Guys! Guess what, guess what, guess what, guess what! Chandler: Um, ok... the... the fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending Trident? Rachel: Noooo... the interview! She loved me! She absolutely loved me. We talked for like two and a half hours, we have the same taste in clothes, and—oh, I went to camp with her cousin... And, oh, the job is perfect. I can do this. I can do this well! All: That's great! That's wonderful! Rachel: Oh God, oh, and then she told the funniest story... Monica: OK, great. You'll tell us and we'll laugh. Let's play poker. Joey: Alright now listen, you guys, we talked about it, and if you don't want to play, we completely understand. Chandler: Oh yes, yes, we could play some other game... like, uh, I don't know... Pictionary? Monica: Ha, ha, very funny, very funny. But I think we'd like to give poker another try. Shall we, ladies? Phoebe and Rachel: Yes, we should. I think we should. Ross: Uh, Rach, do you want me to shuffle those? Rachel: No, no, thats OK. Y'know, I think I'm gonna give it a go. Ross: Alright. Rachel: Alright... Commercial Break Ross: So, Phoebs owes $7.50, Monica, you owe $10, and Rachel, you owe fifteen big ones. Joey: But hey, thanks for teachin' us Cross-Eyed Mary. You guys, we gotta play that at our regular game. Phoebe: Alright, here's my $7.50. But I think you should know that this money is cursed. Joey: What? Phoebe: Oh, I cursed it. So now bad things will happen to he who spends it. Chandler: That's alright, I'll take it. Bad things happen to me anyway. This way I can break 'em up with a movie. Ross: Well, that just leaves the big Green poker machine, who owes fifteen... Rachel: Mmm-hmmm. Oh, so typical. Ooo, I'm a man. Ooo, I have a penis. Ooo, I have to win money to exert my power over women. Monica: You know what? This is not over. We will play you again, and we will win, and you will lose, and you will beg, and we will laugh, and we will take every last dime you have, and you will hate yourselves forever. Rachel: Hmm. Kinda stepped on my point there, Mon. Ross: So, you gals wanna hand over your money now? That way, we don't have to go through the formality of actually playing. Rachel: Ooooh, that's fine. We'll see who has the last laugh there, monkey boy. Monica: OK, we done with the chit-chat? Are we ready to play some serious poker? Phoebe: Right, OK, serious poker. Monica: Excuse me, where are you going? Ross: Uh... to the bathroom. Monica: Do you want to go to the bathroom, or do you wanna play poker? Ross: I want to go to the bathroom. Joey: Alright, well, I'm gonna order a pizza. Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, I'm still waiting to hear from that job and the store closes at nine, so you can eat then. Joey: That's fine. I'll just have a Tic-Tac to hold me over. Monica: Alright, Cincinnati, no blinds, everybody ante. Phoebe: .... or no. Ross: Alright. : Your money's mine, Green. Rachel: Your fly is open, Geller. Phoebe: You guys, you know what I just realized? 'Joker' is 'poker' with a 'J.' Coincidence? Chandler: Hey, that's... that's 'joincidence' with a 'C'! Joey: Uh... Phoebe? Phoebe? Phoebe: Yeah. Um... I'm out. Rachel: I'm in. Monica: Me too. Joey: Me too. Alright, whattaya got. Ross: Well, you better hop outta the shower, cause... I gotta flush. Rachel: Well, well, well, hop back in bucko, cause I got four sixes! : Well, I have got your money, and you'll never see it... Rachel: And your fly's still open... Rachel: Ha, I made you look.... Rachel: I couldn't be inner. Monica? Phoebe: Monica, in or out? Monica: I hate this game! Phoebe: OK Joey, your bet. Joey: Ahhh, I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face. Oh, I'm out. Phoebe: Ross? Ross: Oh, I am very in. Phoebe: Chandler? Chandler: Couldn't be more out. Phoebe: Me too. Rachel. Rachel: Uh, I will see you... and I'll raise you. What do you say... want to waste another buck? Ross: No, not this time. So... what'd you have? Rachel: I'm not telling. Ross: Come on, show them to me. Rachel: No..! Ross: Show them to me! Rachel: Get your hands out of there! No! Ross: Let me see! Show them! Chandler: Y'know, I've had dates like this. Rachel: Boy, you really can't stand to lose, can you? Your whole face is getting red... little veins popping out on your temple... Phoebe: Plus that shirt doesn't really match those pants. Ross: First of all, I'm not losing... Rachel: Oh, you are losing. Definitely losing. Ross: Let's not talk about losing. Just deal the... Rachel: Hel-lo, Rachel Green. Ross: Mee mee, mee-mee mee. Rachel: It's about the job. Rachel: Barbara! Hi, how are you? Monica: Sorry, Rach. Phoebe: Y'know, there's gonna be lots of other stuff. Rachel: Yeah.......OK. Where were we? Oh, OK... five card draw, uh... jacks or better... nothing wild, everybody ante. Joey: Look, Rachel, we don't have to do this. Rachel: Yes, we do. Monica: Alright, check. Joey: Check. Ross: I'm in for fifty cents. Chandler: Call. Phoebe: I'm in. Rachel: I see your fifty cents... and I raise you... five dollars. Ross: I thought, uh... it was a fifty cent limit. Rachel: Well, I just lost a job, and I'd like to raise the bet five bucks. Does anybody have a problem with that? Rachel: : Loser? Ross: No, I fold. Rachel: What do you mean, you fold? Hey, come on! What is this? I thought that 'once the cards were dealt, I'm not a nice guy.' I mean, what, were you just full of it? Ross: I'm in. Rachel: How many you want? Ross: One. Rachel: Dealer takes two. What do you bet? Ross: I bet two dollars. Rachel: OK... see your two... and I raise you twenty. Ross: I see your twenty, raise you twenty-five. Rachel: See your twenty-five...and...uh, Monica, get my purse. Monica: Rachel, there's nothing in it. Rachel: OK, then get me your purse. Monica: OK, here you go. Good luck. Rachel: : I saw your twenty-five, and I raise you... seven. Phoebe: ...teen! Ross: : Joey, I'm a little shy. Joey: That's OK, Ross, you can ask me. What? Chandler: : What do you need, what do you need? Ross: Fifteen. Chandler: Alright, here's ten. Joey: Here, I got five, I got five. Ross: Thank you. Chandler: Good luck. Ross: : OK, I am calling your seventeen. What do you got? Rachel: Full house. Ross: You got me. Joey: : Ahhh, that's alright. Y'know, that's a tough hand to beat. Chandler: : I thought we had them! Ross: Oh, well, when you don't have the cards, you don't have the cards, you know. Closing Credits Chandler: Airplane! Airport! Airport '75! Airport '77! Airport '79! Rachel: Oh, time's up. Monica: Bye... bye... BIRDIE. Joey: Oh! Phoebe: That's a bird? Phoebe: That's a bird! Rachel: OK, OK, it's my turn. Chandler: Go. Ross: Uh.... bean! Bean! Joey: The Unbearable Likeness of Being! Rachel: Yes! Monica: That, you get? That, you get? End Written by: Jeffrey Astrof & Mike Sikowitz Transcribed by: guineapig {Transcriber's Note: The credits list two characters, Tia and Samantha, who I assume are the sweaty women Joey and Chandler meet. However, I don't know which is which, so I've simply called them Woman #1 and Woman #2.} Rachel: Okay, okay, I checked. We have: Earl Grey, English Breakfast, Cinnamon Stick, Camomile, Mint Medley, Blackberry, and.. oh, wait, there's one more, um.. Lemon Soother. You're not the guy that asked for the tea, are you? Okay. Opening Credits Monica: Mail call, Rachel Green, bunk seven. Rachel: Thank you. Oh, cool! Free sample of coffee! Monica: Oh good! 'Cause where else would we get any? Rachel: Oh. Right. ...Oh great. Monica: What is it? Rachel: Country club newsletter. My mother sends me the engagement notices for 'inspiration.' Oh my God! Oh my God, it's Barry and Mindy! Monica: Barry who you almost...? Rachel: Barry who I almost. Monica: And Mindy, your maid of...? Rachel: Mindy, my maid of. Oh! Monica: Lucky. To have had a friend like you. Ross: Marcel. Bring me the rice, c'mon. Bring me the rice, c'mon. Good boy. Good boy. C'mere, gimme the rice. 'Bring me the' and- Rach? Rachel: What? Ross: Hi. Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, this is so stupid! I mean, I gave Barry up, right? I should be happy for them! I am, I'm happy for them. Ross: Really. Rachel: No. Oh, oh, I guess it would be different if I were- with somebody. Ross: Whoah, uh, what happened to, uh, 'Forget relationships! I'm done with men!' The whole, uh, penis embargo? Rachel: Oh, I don't know. I guess it's not about no guys, it's about the right guy, y'know? I mean, with Barry, it was safe and it was easy, but there was no heat. With Paolo, that's all there was, was heat! And it was just this raw, animal, sexual... Ross: Wait-wait. I, I got it. I was there. Rachel: Well, I mean, do you think you can ever have both? Y'know? Someone who's like, who's like your best friend, but then also can make your toes curl? Ross: Yes. Yes. Yes! Yes, I really do! In fact, it's funny, very often, someone who you wouldn't think could-could curl your toes, might just be the one who... Monica: Hi. Ross: ...Gets interrupted. Hi! Rachel: Hi, how was the movie? Monica: Wonderful! Phoebe: So good! Joey: Suck-fest. Chandler: Toootal chick-flick. Phoebe: I-I'm sorry it wasn't one of those movies with, like, y'know, guns and bombs and, like, buses going really fast... Joey: Hey, I don't need violence to enjoy a movie. Just so long as there's a little nudity. Monica: There was nudity! Joey: I meant female nudity. Alright? I don't need to see Lou Grant frolicking. Monica and Phoebe: Hugh! Hugh Grant! Ross: Alright, I've gotta go. C'mon, Marcel! C'mon! We're gonna go take a bath. Yes we are, aren't we? Yes, we are. Chandler: They're still just friends, right? Rachel: And I will see you tomorrow! Ross: That's right, you're gonna spend tomorrow at Aunt Rachel's, aren't you. Monica: Oh, hang on, hang on. Does Aunt Monica get a say in this? Ross: 'Pwease, Aunt Monica, pwease?' Oh, unclench. You're not even gonna be there. Chandler: I can't believe we are even having this discussion. Joey: I agree. I'm, like, in disbelief. Chandler: I mean, don't you think if things were gonna happen with Rachel, they would've happened already? Ross: I'm telling you, she said she's looking for a relationship with someone exactly like me. Joey: She really said that? Ross: Well, I added the 'exactly like me' part... But she said she's looking for someone, and someone is gonna be there tonight. Joey: 'Tonight' tonight? Ross: Well, I think it's perfect. Y'know, it's just gonna be the two of us, she spent all day taking care of my monkey... Chandler: I can't remember the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey. Ross: Anyway, I figured after work I'd go pick up a bottle of wine, go over there and, uh, try to woo her. Chandler: Hey, y'know what you should do? You should take her back to the 1890's, when that phrase was last used. Rachel: Now, now the one in the feather boa, that's Dr. Francis. Now, she used to be a man. Okay, now look, see, there's Raven. We hate her. We're glad she's dying. Okay- Joey: How could you lose him? Rachel: I don't know. We were watching TV, and then he pooped in Monica's shoe- Monica: Wait. He pooped in my shoe? Which one? Rachel: I don't know. The left one. Monica: Which ones? Rachel: Oh. Oh, those little clunky Amish things you think go with everything. Phoebe: Hey. All: Hi. Phoebe: Whoah, ooh, why is the air in here so negative? Chandler: Rachel lost Marcel. Phoebe: Oh no, how? Monica: He- he pooped in my shoe. Phoebe: Which one? Monica: Those cute little black ones I wear all the time. Phoebe: No, which one? The right or left? 'Cause the left one is lucky... Rachel: C'mon, you guys, what're we gonna do, what're we gonna do? Joey: Alright alright. You're a monkey. You're loose in the city. Where do you go? Chandler: Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably gonna wanna do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to the Russian Tea Room. Rachel: Oh, my, God, c'mon, you guys! He's gonna be home any minute! He's gonna kill me! Monica: Okay, we'll start with the building. You guys take the first and second floor, Phoebe and I'll take third and fourth. Rachel: Well, what'm I gonna do? What'm I gonna do? Monica: Okay, you stay here, and just wait by the phone. Spray Lysol in my shoe, and wait for Ross to kill you. Rachel: Anybody wanna trade? Oh... Mr. Heckles: Whaddyou want? Monica: Mr. Heckles, our friend lost a monkey. Have you seen it? Mr. Heckles: I left a Belgian waffle out here, did you take it? Monica: No! Phoebe: Why would you leave your Belgian waffle in the hall? Mr. Heckles: I wasn't ready for it. Monica: A monkey. Have you seen a monkey? Mr. Heckles: Saw Regis Philbin once... Phoebe: Okay, thank you, Mr. Heckles. Mr. Heckles: You owe me a waffle. Rachel: ...with, with Russian dressing and, and pickles on the side. Okay. Thanks. Ross: Hey. How did, uh, how'd it go today? Rachel: Great! It went great. Really great. Hey, is that wine? Ross: Yeah. You, uh, you want some? Rachel: Oh, I would love some. But y'know what? Y'know what? Let's not drink it here. I'm feeling kinda crazy. You wanna go to Newark? Ross: Uh, okay, yeah, we could do that, but before we head off to the murder capital of the North-East, I was, uh, kinda wanting to run something by you. Y'know how we were, uh, y'know, talking before about, uh, relationships and stuff? Well- Rachel: Oh God, Ross, I cannot do this. Ross: Okay, quick and painful. Rachel: Oh God... Okay. Alright. Alright. Okay. Ross, please don't hate me. Ross: Oh, what? What-what? Rachel: Y'know Marcel? Ross: ...Yeah? Rachel: Well, I kind of... I kind of lost him. Commercial Break Ross: I- I- I ca- I can't believe this. I mean, all I asked you to do was keep him in the apartment. Rachel: I know, I know, I'm sorry- Ross: No, y'know what, I guess it's partially my fault. Y'know, I shouldn't've, uh, asked you to start off with a monkey. I should've started you off with like a pen or a pencil. Rachel: Oh! Who is it? Intercom: Animal Control. Rachel: See? I've even called Animal Control! Ross: You called Animal Control? Rachel: Uh-huh... why... do you not like them? Ross: Marcel is an illegal exotic animal. I'm not allowed to have him in the city. If they find him, they'll take him away from me. Rachel: O-okay, now see, you never ever ever told us that... Ross: That's right, I.. 'cause I didn't expect you were gonna invite them to the apartment! Rachel: Hi, thanks for coming. Luisa: Somebody called about a monkey? Rachel: Oh, y'know what? That was a complete misunderstanding! Ross: Yeah, we thought we had a monkey, but we-we didn't. Rachel: Turned out it was a hat. Ross: Cat! Rachel: Cat! What'm I saying? Cat! Monica: Hi. We checked the third and fourth floor, no-one's seen Marcel. Luisa: Marcel? Ross: My uncle Marcel. Phoebe: Oh, is that who the monkey's named after? Luisa: Oookay. Are you aware that possession of an illegal exotic is, uh, punishable by up to two years in prison and confiscation of the animal? Phoebe: Oh my God. You'd put that poor little creature in jail? Monica: Pheebs, you remember how we talked about saying things quietly to yourself first? Phoebe: Yes, but there isn't always time! Monica: Look. I'm sure there's some friendly way to reconcile this! Um, have a seat. First of all, we haven't been introduced, I'm Monica Geller. Luisa: Oh my God, you are! And you're Rachel Green! Rachel: Yeah! Luisa: Luisa Gianetti! Lincoln High? I sat behind you guys in home room! Rachel: Luisa? Oh my God! Monica! It's Luisa! Monica: The Luisa from home room! Rachel: Yes!! Luisa: You have no idea who I am, do you. Monica: No, none at all. Rachel: None. Luisa: Well, maybe that's because you spent four years ignoring me. I mean, would it have been so hard to say 'Morning, Luisa'? Or 'Nice overalls'? Monica: Oh, I'm- I'm so sorry! Luisa: Ah, it's not so much you, you were fat, you had your own problems. But you? What a bitch! Rachel: What?! Monica: Be that as it may, d'you think you could just help us out here on that monkey thing? Y'know, just for old times' sake? Go Bobcats? Luisa: I could... but I won't. If I find that monkey, he's mine. Phoebe: Dun-dun-duuuur! Sorry. Chandler: Marcel? Joey: Marcel? Chandler: Marcel? Joey: Marcel? Woman No. 1: Hi, can I help you? Chandler: Um, we're kind of having an emergency and we-we were looking for something... Joey: A monkey. Chandler: Yes have you seen any? Woman No. 1: No. No, haven't seen a monkey. Do you know anything about fixing radiators? Joey: Um, sure! Did you, uh, did you try turning the knob back the other way? Woman No. 1: Of course. Joey: Oh. Then, no. Woman No. 2: Did I put too much rum in here? Woman No. 1: Just a sec. Chandler: Oh, nononowaitwaitwaitnono! Uh... we may not know anything about radiators per se, but we do have a certain amount of expertise in the heating and cooling... mileu. Joey: Uh, aren't we kind of in the middle of something here? Chandler: Yes, but these women are very hot, and they need our help! And they're very hot. Joey: We can't, alright? We're sorry. You have no idea how sorry, but... We promised we'd find this monkey. If you see him, he's about yea high and answers to the name Marcel, so if we could get some pictures of you, you'd really be helping us out. Chandler: Okay, from now on, you don't get to talk to other people. Joey: Marcel? Chandler: Marcel?! Phoebe: Marcel? Monica: Marcel? Phoebe: Marcel? Both: Marcel? Phoebe: Oh-my-God! Monica: Whaaat! Phoebe: Something just brushed up against my right leg! Monica: What is it? Phoebe: Oh, it's okay, it was just my left leg. Monica: Look, Phoebe! Phoebe: Yeah! Oh, c'mere, Marcel! Oh, Marcel, c'mere! Luisa: Step aside, ladies! Monica: What're you gonna do? Luisa: Just a small tranquiliser. Monica: Run, Marcel, run! Run, Marcel! Are you okay? Phoebe: Yeah, think so. Oh! Whoah. Monica: Oh gosh. Ross: Marcel? Rachel: Marcel? Ross: Marc- oh, this is ridiculous! We've been all over the neighbourhood. He's gone, he's-he's just gone. Rachel: Ross, you don't know that. Ross: Oh come on. It's cold, it's dark, he doesn't know the Village. And now I have a broken foot. I have no monkey, and a broken foot! Thank you very much. Rachel: Ross, I said I'm sorry like a million times. What do you want me to do? You want me to break my foot too? Okay, I'm gonna break my foot, right here. Ow!! Oh! Oh my God, oh my God! There, are you happy now?! Ross: Yeah, yeah. Y'know, now that you kicked the sign, hey! I don't miss Marcel any more! Rachel: Y'know, it is not like I did this on purpose. Ross: Oh, no no no. Nono, this is just vintage Rachel. I mean, things just sort of happen around you. I mean, you're off in Rachel-land, doing your Rachel-thing, totally oblivious to people's monkeys, or to people's feelings... Rachel: Ross. Ross: I don't even wanna hear it, you're just... Rachel: Ross. Ross: Oh, forget it, okay? Rachel: Ross! Ross: What? What? Both: Hey! Hey, Bananaman! Phoebe: Oh, this is so intense. One side of my butt is totally asleep, and the other side has no idea. Ross: Hi, did you order some bananas? Mr. Heckles: What about it? Ross: Gimme back my monkey. Mr. Heckles: I don't have a monkey. Rachel: Then what's with all the bananas? Mr. Heckles: Potassium. Ross: Marcel? Marcel? Okay, where is he? Where is he? Marcel? Marcel? Ross: Marcel! What've you done to him? Mr. Heckles: That's my monkey. That's Patti, Patti the monkey. Ross: Are you insane? C'mere, Marcel, c'mon. Mr. Heckles: C'mere, Patti. Ross: C'mere, Marcel. Mr. Heckles: C'mere, Patti. Luisa: Gotcha. Ross: Okay, gimme my monkey back. Mr. Heckles: That's my monkey. Luisa: You're both gonna have to take this up with the judge. Mr. Heckles: That's not my monkey. Just the dress is mine, you can send that back whenever. Ross: Alright, I want my monkey. Luisa: No! Rachel: Oh, c'mon, Luisa! Luisa: Sorry, prom queen. Ross: You had to be a bitch in high school, you couldn't've been fat. Rachel: Alright. In high school I was the prom queen and I was the homecoming queen and the class president and you... were also there! But if you take this monkey, I will lose one of the most important people in my life. You can hate me if you want, but please do not punish him. C'mon, Luisa, you have a chance to be the bigger person here! Take it! Luisa: Nope. Rachel: Alright. Well then how about I call your supervisor, and I tell her that you shot my friend in the ass with a dart? Ross: It'll be nice to get this off finally, won't it? Yes it will. Or we can leave it on for now, that's fine. Rachel: Y'know, with the right pair of pumps, that would be a great little outfit. Ross: Listen, I'm- I'm sorry I was so hard on you before, it's just I... Rachel: Oh, Ross, c'mon. It's my fault, I almost lost your... Ross: Yeah, but you were the one who got him back, y'know? You, you were great. ...Hey, we uh, we still have that, uh, that bottle of wine. You in the mood for, uh, something grape? Rachel: That'd be good. Ross: Alright. Well, so long as we're here and, uh, not on the subject, I was thinking about, uh, how mad we got at each other before, and, um, I was thinking maybe it was partially because of how we, um... Barry: Rachel. Rachel: Barry?! Barry: I can't. I can't do it, I can't marry Mindy. I think I'm still in love with you. Ross and Rachel: Oh! Ross: We have got to start locking that door! Closing Credits Monica: This is me in The Sound of Music. See the von Trapp kids? Phoebe: Nope. Monica: That's because I'm in front of them. Chandler: Eh. I thought that was an alp. Monica: Well, high school was not my favourite time. Joey: I dunno, I loved high school. Y'know? It was just four years of parties and dating and sex. Chandler: Yeah, well I went to boarding school with four hundred boys. Any sex I had would've involved a major lifestyle choice. Monica: Gosh, doesn't it seem like a million years ago? Phoebe: Oh. Oooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! My butt cheek is waking up! Oooh! Ooh! End Written by: Doty Abrams Transcribed by: guineapig Chandler: I can't believe you would actually say that. I would much rather be Mr.Peanut than Mr.Salty. Joey: No way! Mr.Salty is a sailor, all right, he's got to be, like, thetoughest snack there is. Ross: I don't know, you don't wanna mess with corn nuts. They're craaazy. Monica: Oh my God. You guys! You gotta come see this! There's some creep out there with a telescope! Ross: I can't believe it! He's looking right at us! Rachel: Oh, that is so sick. Chandler: I feel violated. And not in a good way. Phoebe: How can people do that?... Oh, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy got gravity boots! Opening Credits Chandler: I am telling you, years from now, schoolchildren will study it as one of the greatest first dates of all time. It was unbelievable! We could totally be ourselves, we didn't have to play any games... Monica: So have you called her yet? Chandler: Let her know I like her? What are you, insane? I'm right, right? Joey and Ross: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let her dangle. Monica: I can't believe my parents are actually pressuring me to find one of you people. Phoebe: Oh, God, just do it! Call her! Stop being so testosteroney! Chandler: Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat. I got her machine. Joey: Her answer machine? Chandler: No, interestingly enough her leaf blower picked up. Phoebe: So, uh, why didn't you say anything? Chandler: Oh, no-no-no-no. Last time I left a spontaneous message I ended up using the phrase "Yes indeedy-o." Monica: Look look! It's Rachel and Barry. No, don't everybody look at once! Ross: Okay, okay, what's going on? Phoebe: Okay, they're just talking... Ross: Yeah, well, does he look upset? Does he look like he was just told to shove anything? Phoebe: No, no actually, he's smiling.. and... Oh my God, don't do that!! Ross: What? What? What?! Phoebe: That man across the street just kicked that pigeon! Oh! Chandler: And basically, that's how a bill becomes a law. All: Oh!... Right! Chandler: Hey Rach! Monica: How'd it go? Rachel: Y'know, it was, uh.. it was actually really great. He took me to lunch at the Russian Tea Room, and I had that chicken, where y'know you poke it and all the butter squirts out... Phoebe: Not a good day for birds... Rachel: Then we took a walk down to Bendall's, and I told him not to, but he got me a little bottle of Chanel... Ross: That's nice... now, was that before or after you told him to stop calling, stop sending you flowers and to generally leave you alone, hmm? Rachel: Right,.. well,.. we never actually got to that... Oh, it was just so nice to see him again, y'know? It was comfortable, it was familiar... it was just nice! Ross: That's, that's nice twice! Monica: Rachel, what's going on? I mean isn't this the same Barry who you left at the altar? Joey: Duh, where've you been? Rachel: Yeah, but it was different with him today! And he wasn't, like, Orthodontist Guy, y'know? I mean, we had fun! Is there anything wrong with that? Chandler: Yes! Rachel: Why? Chandler: I have my reasons. Monica: Okay, how about the fact that he's engaged to another woman, who just happens to be your ex-best friend? Rachel: All right. All right, all right, all right, all right, I know it's stupid! I will go see him this afternoon, and I will just put an end to it! Rachel: Wow... Wow! Barry: Yeah. Rachel: I'm not crazy, right? I mean, it was never like that. Barry: Nooo, it wasn't. Rachel: Ooh, and it's so nice having this little sink here... Chandler: Oh God! Monica: That's what you've been working on for the past two hours?! Chandler: Hey, I've been honing! Ross: What was with the dishes? Chandler: Oh, uh.. I want her to think I might be in a restaurant.. y'know? I might have some kind of life, like I haven't been sitting around here honing for the past few hours. Monica: Look look! He's doing it again, the guy with the telescope! Phoebe: Oh my God! Stop looking in here! Monica: Great, now he's waving back. Joey: Man, we gotta do something about that guy. This morning, I caught him looking into our apartment. It creeps me out! I feel like I can't do stuff! Monica: What kinda stuff? Joey: Will you grow up? I'm not talking about sexy stuff, but, like, when I'm cooking naked. Phoebe: You cook naked? Joey: Yeah, toast, oatmeal... nothing that spatters. Chandler: What are you looking at me for? I didn't know that. Barry: What's the matter? Rachel: Oh, it's just... Oh, Barry, this was not good. Barry: No, it was. It was very very good. Rachel: Well, what about Mindy? Barry: Oh, way, way better than Mindy. Rachel: No, not that, I mean, what about you and Mindy? Barry: Well, if you want, I'll just—I'll just break it off with her. Rachel: No. No-no-no-no, no. I mean, don't do that. Not, I mean not for me. Bernice: Dr. Farber, Bobby Rush is here for his adjustment. Barry: Let's go away this weekend. Rachel: Oh, Barry..! Come on, this is all way too.. Barry: We can, we can go to Aruba! When I went there on what would have been our honeymoon, it was, uh... it was really nice. You would've liked it. Rachel: I had a bra. Bobby: Hey, Dr. Farber. Barry: All right Miss Green, everything looks fine... Yep, I think we're starting to see some real progress here. Rachel: What?! Bobby: I'm twelve, I'm not stupid. Chandler: Can I use your phone? Monica: Yeah.. uh, but for future reference, that thing in your hand can also be used as a phone. Chandler: Yes, it's working! Why isn't she calling me back? Joey: Maybe she never got your message. Phoebe: Y'know, if you want, you can call her machine, and if she has a lot of beeps, that means she probably didn't get her messages yet. Chandler: Y'don't think that makes me seem a little... Ross: ...desperate, needy, pathetic? Chandler: Ah, you obviously saw my personal ad. Phoebe: How many beeps? Chandler: She answered. Monica: Y'see, this is where you'd use that 'hello' word we talked about. Chandler: I'm not gonna talk to her, she obviously got my message and is choosing not to call me. Now I'm needy and snubbed. God, I miss just being needy. All: Hey! Hi! Phoebe: How'd he take it? Rachel: Pretty well, actually... Monica: Uh, Rach... how come you have dental floss in your hair? Rachel: Oh, do I? Monica: Uh huh. Rachel: We ended up having sex in his chair. Monica: You had sex in his chair?!... I said that a little too loudly, didn't I? Ross: You-you had what? Phoebe: Sex in his chair. Ross: What, uh... what were you thinking? Rachel: I don't know! I mean, we still care about each other. There's a history there. 'S'like you and Carol. Ross: No! No no, it is nothing like me and Carol! Rachel: Please. If she said to you, "Ross, I want you on this couch, right here, right now," what would you say? Chandler: If it helps, I could slide over. Ross: It's, it's, it's, uh, a totally diferent situation! It's, it's apples and oranges, it's, it's orthodontists and lesbi- I gotta go. Phoebe: Where are you going? Ross: I just have to go, all right? Do I need a reason? Huh? I mean I have things to do with my life, I have a jam packed schedule, and I am late- for keeping up with it. Okay? Chandler: Hello? Hello? Rachel: Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Chandler: So how's Mindy? Rachel: Oh, she wants to see me tomorrow...Oh, she sounded really weird, I gotta call Barry... Hi, it's me, I just.. Mindy!! Mindy! Hi! No, I figured that's where you'd be! Commercial Break Monica: Brrrrrrr! Chandler: Hell is filled with people like you. Joey: He's back! The peeper's back! Joey: Get down! Rachel: Get down? Chandler: ...And boogie! Rachel: Thanks, but I gotta go to work and get my eyes scratched out by Mindy. Monica: Relax. Y'know, she may not even know. Rachel: Please. I haven't heard from her in seven months, and now she calls me? I mean, what else is it about? Oh! She was my best friend, you guys! We went to camp together... she taught me how to kiss.. Joey: Yeah? Rachel: And now, y'know, I'm like... I'm like the other woman! I feel so.. Joey: ..Naughty! Rachel: Right, I'll see you guys later... Joey: Oh, hold up, I'll walk out with you. Now, Rach, when she taught you to kiss, you were at camp, and.. were you wearing any kinda little uniform, or- That's fine, yeah... Chandler: Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Will you watch my phone? Monica: Why don't you just take it with you? Chandler: Hey, we haven't been on a second date, she needs to hear me pee? Monica: Why don't you just call her? Chandler: I can't call her, I left a message! I have some pride. Monica: Do you? Chandler: No! She's on the other line, she's gonna call me back, she's on the other line, gonna call me back... Monica: Don't you have to pee? Chandler: 'S'why I'm dancing... Rachel: Mindy. Mindy: Hey, you. Rachel: Hey, you.... So, what's up? Mindy: Um.. we should really be sitting for this. Rachel: Sure we should... So. Mindy: Now, I know things've been weird lately, but you're like my oldest friend in the world... Except for maybe Laurie Schaffer, who I don't talk to anywhere, 'cause she's all bitter now that she lost the weight and it turns out she doesn't have a pretty face. ....Okay, I'm just gonna ask you this once, and I want a straight answer. Rachel: Okay. Mindy: Will you be my maid of honour? Rachel: Of course! Mindy: Oh that's so great! Rachel: Was that all you wanted to ask me? Mindy: That's all! Rachel: Ohhhh!! ...What? What? Mindy: That's not all. Rachel: Oh sure it is! Mindy: Oh no, it isn't! No! I think Barry is seeing someone in the city. Rachel: Um, what- what would make you think that? Mindy: Well, ever since we announced the engagement, he's been acting really weird, and then last night, he came home smelling like Chanel. Rachel: Really. Mindy, if it'll make you feel any better, when I was engaged to him he went through a whole weird thing too. Mindy: Oh God! You see, that's what I was afraid of! Rachel: What? What's what you were afraid of? Mindy: Okay, okay... when Barry was engaged to you, he and I...kind of... had a little thing on the side. Rachel: What? Mindy: I know. I know, and when he proposed to me, everyone said "Don't do it, he's just gonna do to you what he did to Rachel," and now I feel so stupid. Rachel: Uh... Oh, Mindy, you are so stupid. Oh, we are both so stupid. Mindy: What do you mean? Rachel: Smell familiar? Mindy: Oh no. Rachel: Oh, I am so sorry. Mindy: No me, I am so sorry... Joey: Oh my. Ross: Four letters: "Circle or hoop". Chandler: Ring dammit, ring! Ross: Thanks. Joey: Hey, you know our phone's not working? Chandler: What?! Joey: I tried to call you from the coffee shop, and there was no answer. Chandler: I turned it off. Mother of God, I turned it off! Monica: Just like you told her you did! ... Just pointing out the irony. Joey: Hey, so listen, I went across the street and talked to the doorman- I got the peeper's name! Can I use the phone? Chandler: Nngghhh!!!!!!! Joey: Yeah, the number for a Sidney Marks, please. Ross: "Heating device." Phoebe: Radiator. Ross: Five letters. Phoebe: Rdtor. Joey: Sidney's a woman. Monica: So she's a woman! So what? Joey: Yeah. Yeah, so what? Mostly free weights, but occasionally.. Monica: Joey!! Joey: She says you looked very pretty the other day in the green dress. Monica: The green dress? Really? Joey: Yeah, she said you looked like Ingrid Bergman that day. Monica: Nooo! Rachel: Hey. Got a second? Barry: Sure, sure. Come on... ...in... Mindy: Hello, sweetheart. Barry: Uh... uh... what're'you... what're'you guys doing here? Rachel: Uh, we are here to break up with you. Barry: Both of you? Mindy: Basically, we think you're a horrible human being, and bad things should happen to you. Barry: I'm sorry... I'm sorry, God, I am so sorry, I'm an idiot, I was weak, I couldn't help myself! Whatever I did, I only did because I love you so much! Rachel: Uh- which one of us are you talking to there, Barr? Barry: ....Mindy. Mindy, of course Mindy, it was always Mindy. Rachel: Even when we were having sex in that chair? Barry: I swear, whatever I was doing, I was always thinking of you. Rachel: Please! During that second time you couldn't have picked her out of a lineup! Mindy: You did it twice? Rachel: Well, the first time didn't really count... I mean, y'know, 's'Barry. Mindy: Okay... Barry: Sweetheart, just gimme- gimme another chance, okay, we'll start all over again. We'll go back to Aruba. Bernice: Dr. Farber, we've got a bit of an emergency here...Jason Costalano is choking on his retainer. Barry: Oh God... Look, please, please don't go anywhere, okay? I'll be, I'll be right back. Rachel: Okay. Okay, we'll be here! Hating you! Did you see how he was sweating when he walked out of there? Listen honey, if I'm hogging the ball too much you just jump right in there and take a couple punches because I'm telling you, this feels great. Mindy: Yeah... I'm pretty sure I'm still gonna marry him. Rachel: What are you talking about?! Mindy, the guy is the devil! He's Satan in a smock! Mindy: Look, I know he's not perfect, but the truth is, at the end of the day, I still really wanna be Mrs. Dr. Barry Farber, D.D.S. Rachel: Oh God. Mindy: I hope you can find some way to be happy for me. And I hope you'll still be my maid of honor...? Rachel: And I hope Barry doesn't kill you and eat you in Aruba. Monica: You okay? Rachel: Yeah. Monica: Really? Rachel: Yeah! Y'know, ever since I ran out on Barry at the wedding, I have wondered whether I made the right choice. And now I know. Monica: Aww... Joey: Big day. Closing Credits Joey: All right, I'll give you this, Mr. Peanut is a better dresser. I mean he's got the monocle, he's got the top hat... Phoebe: You know he's gay? Ross: I just wanna clarify this: are you outing Mr. Peanut? Danielle: Chandler? Chandler: Danielle! Hi! Uh- everybody, this is Danielle, Danielle, everybody. All: Hi. Hi. Chandler: What are you doing here? Danielle: Well, I've been calling you, but it turns out I had your number wrong. And when I finally got the right one from Information, there was no answer. So I thought I'd just come down here, and make sure you were okay. Chandler: ...I'm, I'm okay. Danielle: Listen uh, maybe we could get together later? Chandler: That sounds good. I'll call you- or you call me, whatever... Danielle: You got it. Chandler: Okay. Danielle: G'bye, everybody. All: Bye. Phoebe: Whoo-hoo! Monica: Yeah, there you go! Ross: Second date! Chandler: ...I dunno. Rachel: You don't know?! Chandler: Well, she seems very nice and everything, but that whole thing about her coming all the way down here, just to see if I was okay? I mean,... how needy is that? End Written by: Adam Chase and Ira Ungerleider Transcribed by guineapig Joey: How could someone get a hold of your credit card number? Monica: I have no idea. But look how much they spent! Rachel: Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought. Monica: I know. It's just such reckless spending. Ross: I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind. Chandler: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop. Monica: That's me. Phoebe: Oh! The yuk! Ross, he's doing it again! Ross: Marcel, stop humping the lamp! Stop humping! Now Marcel, come back- come here, Marcel- Rachel: Oh no, not in my room! I'll get him. Monica: Ross, you've got to do something about the humping. Ross: What? It's, it's just a phase. Chandler: Well, that's what we said about Joey... Ross: Would you all relax? It's not that big a deal. Rachel: Stop it! Marcel! Bad monkey! Ross: What? Rachel: Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious. Opening Credits Rachel: Oh, Monica. You are not still going over that thing. Monica: This woman's living my life. Rachel: What? Monica: She's living my life, and she's doing it better than me! Look at this, look. She buys tickets for plays that I wanna see. She, she buys clothes from stores that I'm intimidated by the sales people. She spent three hundred dollars on art supplies. Rachel: You're not an artist. Monica: Yeah, well I might be if I had the supplies! I mean, I could do all this stuff. Only I don't. Rachel: Oh, Monica, c'mon, you do cool things. Monica: Oh really? Okay, let's compare, shall we. Rachel: Oh, it's so late for 'Shall we'... Monica: Do I go horseback riding in the park? Do I take classes at the New School? Rachel: Nooo... Monica: This is so unfair! She's got everything I want, and she doesn't have my mother. Chandler: How about Joey... Pepponi? Joey: No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral. Chandler: Joey... Switzerland? Joey: Plus, y'know, I think it should be Joe. Y'know, Joey makes me sound like I'm, I dunno, this big. Which I'm not. Chandler: Joe...Joe...Joe...Stalin? Joey: Stalin...Stalin...do I know that name? It sounds familiar. Chandler: Well, it does not ring a bell with me... Joey: Joe Stalin. Y'know, that's pretty good. Chandler: Might wanna try Joseph. Joey: Joseph Stalin. I think you'd remember that! Chandler: Oh yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof. Rachel: Hey. Phoebe: Hey. Monica: Hi. Hi, uh, yes, this is Monica Geller. Um, I believe I'm taking some classes with you and I was wondering what they were. Phoebe: What are you doing? Monica: I'm going to tap class. Rachel: What, what, so that you can dance with the woman that stole your credit card? Monica: This woman's got my life, I should get to see who she is. Rachel: Go to the post office! I'm sure her picture's up! ...Okay, Monica, y'know what, honey, you're kinda losing it here! I mean, this is really becoming like a weird obsession thing. Phoebe: This is madness. It's madness, I tell you, for the love of God, Monica, don't do it!! ...Thank you. Monica: What d'you think? Phoebe: Lotsa things. Rachel: Which one do you think she is? Teacher: May I help you? Monica: Oh, no thanks, we're just here to observe. Teacher: You don't observe a dance class. You dance Rachel: What does she mean? Phoebe: I think she means 'You dance Monica: Okay, d'y'see anybody you think could be me? Teacher: People! Last time there were some empty yoghurt containers lying around after class. Let's not have that happen again! Rachel: She could be you. Teacher: Let's get started. Five, six, a-five six seven eight... Monica: Okay, I'm not getting this! Phoebe: I'm totally getting it! Monica: Did you ever feel like sometimes you are just so unbelievably uncoordinated? Rachel: What? You just click when they click. Teacher: Alright people, now everyone grab a partner. Phoebe: Okay. And, my, dead, mother, says, you, are, it. I'm with Rachel. Monica: Great. It's gym class all over again. Phoebe and Rachel: Aww. Teacher: Well that's all right, you can come up to the front and dance with me. Monica: Why don't I just take off my clothes and have a nightmare. Woman: It's okay, it's okay, I'm here, I'm here. Sorry I'm late, okay, here I am. Who's the new tense girl? Teacher: She's your partner. Woman: Hi. I'm Monica. Monica: Oh. Monica! ...Hi. I'm Mo- ...nana. Woman: Monana? Monica: Yeah. It's Dutch. Fake Monica: You're kidding! I-I spent three years in Amsterdam. Monica: Um, Pennsylvania Dutch. Teacher: And we're dancing. A-five, six, seven, eight... Ross: Hi. Chandler and Joey: Hey. Joey: Where've you been? Ross: At the vet. Chandler: She's not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she? Ross: She says Marcel's humping thing's not a phase. Apparently he's reached sexual maturity. Joey: Hey! He beat ya. Ross: She says as time goes on, he's gonna start getting agressive and violent. Chandler: So what does this mean? Ross: I'm gonna have to give him up. Commercial Break Joey: I can't believe it, Ross. This sucks! Chandler: I don't get it, I mean, you just got him. How can he be an adult already? Ross: I know. I know. I mean, one day, he's this little thing, and before you know it, he's this little thing I can't get off my leg. Joey: Isn't there any way you can keep him? Ross: No, no. The vet says unless he's in a place where he has regular access to some... monkey lovin,' he's just gonna get vicious. I've just gotta get him into a zoo. Joey: How do you get a monkey into a zoo? Chandler: I know that one! ...No, that's Popes into a Volkswagen. Ross: Well, we're applying to a lot of them. Naturally our first choice would be one of the bigger state zoos, y'know, like, uh, San Diego... right? But that might just be a pipe dream, because, y'know, he's out of state. Uh, my vet, uh, knows someone at Miami, so that's a possibility. Chandler: Yeah, but that's like two blocks away from the beach. I mean, it's a total party zoo. Phoebe: Hey. We found her, we found the girl. Chandler: What? Joey: Did you call the cops? Rachel: Nope. We took her to lunch. Chandler: Ah. Your own brand of vigilante justice. Ross: What?! Are you insane? This woman stole from you. She stole. She's a stealer. Monica: Y'know what? After you're with this woman for like ten minutes, you forget all that. I mean, she is this astounding person, with this, with this amazing spirit. Ross: Yeah, which she probably stole from some cheerleader. Chandler: ...Take off their hats! Phoebe: Popes in a Volkswagen! ...I love that joke. Rachel: No way. No way did you do this. Fake Monica: Monana was very brave. Monica: It was so wild. We told them we were the Gunnersens in room six fifteen. Only to find out the Boston Celtics had taken over the entire sixth floor! Fake Monica: So once they caught on to the fact that we're, y'know, short and have breasts... Monica: ...They threw us out! I was thrown out of a hotel! Me! Rachel: Go Monana! Well, you ladies are not the only ones living the dream. I get to go pour coffee for people I don't know. Don't wait up. Fake Monica: Oh, by the way, tomorrow we're auditioning for a Broadway show. Monica: 'Scuse me? Fake Monica: There's an open call for Cats. I'm thinking we go down there, sing Memories and make complete fools of ourselves. Whaddya say? Monica: Nononononono. Think who you're dealing with here. I mean, I'm not like you. I-I can't even stand in front of a tap class. Fake Monica: Well, that's just probably 'cause of your Amish background. Monica: What? Fake Monica: Well, you're Pennsylvania Dutch, right? Monica: Right. Till I bought a blow dryer, then I was shunned. Fake Monica: I-I used to be just like you. And then one day I saw a movie that changed my life. Did you ever see Dead Poets' Society? Monica: Uh-huh. Fake Monica: I thought that movie was so incredibly... boring. I mean, that thing at the end where the kid kills himself because he can't be in the play? What was that?! It's like, kid, wait a year, leave home, do some community theatre. I walked out of there and I thought, 'Now, that's two hours of my life that I'm never getting back.' And that thought scared me more than all the other crap I was afraid to do. Monica: Wow. Then I would definitely not recommend Mrs. Doubtfire. Ross: That was like our safety zoo. They take like dogs and cows. See? I don't know who this is harder on, me or him. Phoebe: I'd say that chair's taking the brunt. Ross: Marcel! Marcel! Marcel, no! Good boy. See, how can nobody want him? Rachel: Oh, somebody will. Joey: You know there already is a Joseph Stalin? Chandler: You're kidding. Joey: Apparently he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people. You'd think you would've known that! Chandler: Y'know, you'd think I would've. Joey: Phoebe. Whaddyou think a good stage name for me would be? Phoebe: ...Flame Boy. Ross: Where exactly is your zoo? Dr. Baldhara: Well, it's technically not a zoo per se, it's more of an interactive wildlife experience. Let me ask you some questions about, is it, uh, Marcel? Ross: Yes. Dr. Baldhara: Does he, uh, fight with other animals? Ross: No-no, he's, he's very docile. Dr. Baldhara: Even if he were... cornered? Ross: Well I, I don't know. Why? Dr. Baldhara: Uh, how is he at handling small objects? Ross: He can hold a banana, if that's whatcha mean... Dr. Baldhara: How about a hammer, or a small blade? Ross: Why- why- why would he need a blade? Dr. Baldhara: Well, if he's up against a jungle cat or an animal with horns, you've got to give the little guy something. Otherwise it's just cruel. Chandler and Joey: He- he- he got in, he- he got in to San Diego. Joey: We, we come back from our walk and the- the phone was ringing... Chandler: ...He's in. Ross: He's in! Oh, did you hear that, Marcel? San Diego. San Diego! Dr. Baldhara: You're making a big mistake here. I mean, San Diego's all well and good, but if you give him to me, I'll start him off against a blind rabbit and give you twenty percent of the gains. Monica: Yo- hooo! Rachel: Where the hell've you been? Monica: Monica and I just crashed an embassy party. Rachel: Are you drunk?! Monica: Noooo! I'm lying. I am so drunk. Rachel: Oh God, oh. Great, Monica, y'know what, you could've called, I have been up here, I've been worried... Rachel: Monica? Monica! Monica: Water rules! Rachel: Yes, yes, it does. Okay, look, the restaurant called, they wanna know if you're gonna be showing up for work? Monica: Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today. Rachel: Okay Monica, what are you doing? You're gonna lose your job! This is not you! Monica: No, it is me! Y'know, I'm not just the person who needs to fluff the pillows and pay the bills as soon as they come in! Y'know, when I'm with her, I am so much more than that. I'm- I'm Monana! Rachel: Hello? Yes, she is, hold on a second, please. Monana, it's for you, the credit card people. Monica: Helloooo? Yeah. Oh my God. Thanks. Rachel: What? Monica: They've arrested Monica. Monica: Hi. Fake Monica: Hey. Monica: How are you? Fake Monica: I'm not too bad. Fortunately, blue's my colour. How-how did you know I was here? Monica: Because... I'm Monica Geller. It was my credit card you were using. Fake Monica: That I was not expecting. Monica: I want you to know, it wasn't me who turned you in. Fake Monica: Oh. Thanks. Monica: No, thank you! You have given me so much! I mean, if it wasn't for you, I would never have gotten to sing Memories on the stage at the Wintergarden Theater! Fake Monica: Well, actually, you only got to sing 'Memo-'. Monica: I just can't believe you're in here. I mean, what am I gonna do without you? Who's gonna crash the embassy parties with me? Who's gonna take me to the Big Apple Circus? Fake Monica: Monica, I started my day by peeing in front of twenty-five other women, and you're worried about who's gonna take you to the Big Apple Circus? Monica: Well, not... worried, just... wondering. Fake Monica: There's nothing to wonder about, Monica. You're gonna go back to being exactly who you were, because that's who you are. Monica: Not necessarily... Fake Monica: Yes necessarily! I mean, I dunno what it is, maybe it's the Amish thing. Monica: Um, I'm not actually Amish. Fake Monica: Really? Then why are you like that? Teacher: You by the door. In or out? Monica: In. Teacher: You in the back, you're getting it all wrong! Monica: Yeah, but at least I'm doing it! PA: This is the final boarding call for flight 67 to San Diego, boarding at gate 42A. Phoebe: Okay. Good-bye, little monkey guy. Alright, I wrote you this poem. Okay, but don't eat it 'till you get on the plane. Ross: Aww. Thank you, Aunt Phoebe. Phoebe: Oh! Chandler: Okay, bye, champ. Now, I know there's gonna be a lot of babes in San Diego, but remember, there's also a lot to learn. Joey: I dunno what to say, Ross. Uh, it's a monkey. Ross: Just, just say what you feel. Joey: Marcel, I'm hungry. Ross: That was good. Rachel: Marcel, this is for you. It's, uh, just, y'know, something to, um, do on the plane. Ross: Uh, if you guys don't mind, I'd like to take a moment, just me and him. All: Oh, sure. Sure, absolutely. Ross: Marcel, c'mere, c'mere. Okay, Marcel, please, could you leave my leg alone? Could you just stop humping me for two seconds?! Marcel, would- okay, just take him away. Just take him. Closing Credits Actor: Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might... touch thy cheek... Casting Director No. 1: That's fine, thank you. Casting Director No. 2: Next. Joey: Hi, uh, I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio. Casting Director No. 2: Name? Joey: Holden McGroin. End Written by: Alexa Junge Transcribed by: Mikael Hedberg Monica: Tell him. Rachel: No. Phoebe: Tell him, tell him. Monica: Just...please tell him. Rachel: Shut up! Chandler: Tell me what? Monica: Look at you, you won't even look at him. Chandler: Oh, come on tell me. I could use another reason why women won't look at me. Rachel: All right, all right, all right. Last night, I had a dream that, uh, you and I, were... Phoebe: Doing it on this table. Chandler: Wow! Joey: Exellent dream score. Ross: Why, why, why would you dream that? Chandler: More importantly, was I any good? Rachel: Well, you were pretty damn good. Chandler: Interesting, cause in my dreams, I'm allways surprisingly inadequate. Rachel: Well, last night you seemed to know your way around the table. Ross: I love it, when we share. Chandler: You're okay there? Ross: I can't belive you two had sex in her dream. Chandler: I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and i was somebody else's subconscious. Opening Credits Chandler: Hello Rachel. Rachel: Get off. Phoebe: Uh, uh, gimme. Can you see me operating a drill press? Joey: I don't know. What are you wearing? Ross: Pheebs, why would you want to operate a drill press? Phoebe: Just for some short-term-work. You know, until I get back some of my massage clients. Chandler: Pirates again? Phoebe: No, nothing like that. I was just...such a dummie. I taught this "massage-yourself-at-home-workshop." And they are. Joey: Hey, hey, Chan. She could work for you. Chandler: Thanks Joey, that's a good idea. Phoebe: What... I could, I could do it. What is it? Chandler: Well, my secretary is gonna be out for a couple of weeks. She is having one of her boobs redused. It's a whole big boob story. Phoebe: I could be a secretary. Chandler: Well, you know Phoebs. I don't know if it's your kinda thing, because it involves a lot of being normal. For a large portion of the day. Phoebe: I could do that. Rachel: What are you playing with? Ross: Oh, it's my new beeper. Joey: What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for? Monica: Is it like for dinosaur emergencies. 'Help, come quick, they're still extinct.' Ross: No, it's for when Carol goes into labor. She can get me wherever I am. I mean, all she has to do is to dial 55-JIMBO. Chandler: A cool phone number, and a possible name for the kid. Monica: All right, I'll see you guys later. Rachel: Off to see young Ethan? Monica: Thank you. Joey: How young is young Ethan? Young? Monica: He's... our age. Chandler: When we were? Monica: Okay, he's a senior in college. Ross: College? Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are? Monica: No, of course not. It's not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22. All: What? Monica: Oh, I can't pass for 22? Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26. Monica: I am 26. Phoebe: There you go. Chandler: Can you hear that? Phoebe: Yeah? Chandler: See that'll stop when you pick up the phone. Phoebe: Oh. Uh, I'm on. Phoebe: No I'm sorry, he's in a meeting right now. Chandler: I'm not in a meeting. I'm right... Whoops. Phoebe: Will he know what this is in reference to? All right, I'll see that he gets the message. Bye bye. Chandler: What? Phoebe: Ross says hi. Chandler: Ah! Phoebe: This is so fun. All right, what do we do now? Chandler: Well, now, I actually have to get to work. Phoebe: Most likely. Okay, I'm gonna be out there. Chandler: Okay. Phoebe: All right. Bye bye. Chandler: Bye bye. Chandler: Yes? Phoebe: Whatcha doin'? Chandler: Ooh. Monica: Windows are clean, candels are lit. Uh, belt's to tight, gotta change the belt. Did I turn the fish? Am I out of control? Rachel: Just a touch. Mon, I don't understand. I mean, you've been dating this guy since like, what... his midterms? I mean, why all the sudden are you so... Oh. Monica: What? Rachel: Could tonight be the Night? Monica: I don't know. Look he's a great guy and I love being with him but... you know. Things happen, and they happen. You don't plan these things. Rachel: So, did you shave your legs? Monica: Yeah. Rachel: A-ha! Joey: Would you let it go Ross. It was just a dream. It doesn't mean... Ross: Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh this is it. Oh my god it's baby time. Baby time. Joey: All right, relax, relax. Just relax, just relax. Be cool, be cool. Ross: Yes, I'm sure... No, sir. I don't perform those kind of services. Joey: Services? Oh, services. Ross: All rightie, bye bye. Joey: Hey, hey. How was the first day? Phoebe: Oh, exellent. Everyone was so, so nice. Chandler: See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes. Me. Phoebe: No, I didn't tell anybody that I knew you. Chandler: Why not? Phoebe: Oh, because, you know... they don't like you. Chandler: What?! Phoebe: I thought you knew that. Chandler: Noho. Who doesn't they like me? Phoebe: Everyone. Except for uh... no everyone. Chandler: What are you talking about? Phoebe: Don't feel bad. You know they used to like you a lot. But then you got promoted, and, you know, now you're like "Mr. Boss Man". You know, Mr. Bing. Mr. Bing, "Boss Man Bing". Chandler: I can't belive it. Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. They even do you. Chandler: They do me? Phoebe: You know like... uh okay... uh... 'Could that report be any later?' Chandler: I don't sound like that. Ross: Oh, oh Chandler... Joey: Oh... Yeah, you do. Ross: 'The hills were alive with the sound of music.' Joey: My scones. Phoebe, Joey, and Ross: 'My scones.' Chandler: Okay, I don't sound like that. That is so not true. Chandler: That is so not... That is so not... That... Oh, shut up! Monica: Did not. Young Ethan: I am telling you, up until I was, like nine, I thought that gunpoint was an actual place where crimes happen. Monica: How was that possible? Young Ethan: Well, think about it. It's always on the news. 'A man is being held up, at gunpoint.' 'Tourists are being terrorised, at gunpoint.' And I just kept thinking: why does people continue to go there? Oh, ah. I should go. Monica: Okay. Young Ethan: Okay. Monica: Unless... Young Ethan: What? Monica: Uh, ah. Unless you wanna stay over? I mean, I'm going to, so... Young Ethan: Yeah, I'd really like that. Young Ethan: Uuh, before we get into any staying-over-stuff, there is something you should know. Monica: Okay, is this like 'I have an early class tomorrow' or 'I'm secretly married to a goat?' Young Ethan: Well it's somewhere in between. You see, in a strictly technical sense, of course, I'm not uh..., well I, I mean I haven't ever uh... Monica: Ethan? Young Ethan: Yeah? Monica: Are you a virgin? Young Ethan: Well, if that's what you kids are calling it these days then, yes I am. I uh, I've kinda been waiting for the right person. Monica: Really? Young Ethan: Yeah. You do know I was talking about you, right? Young Ethan: Wow! Monica: You keep saying that. Young Ethan: You know, you read about it, you see it in the movies. Even when you practice it at home, man oh man, it is nothing like that. Monica: Listen, uh, you told me something that was really difficult for you. And I, I-I figured if you could be honest, then I can to. Young Ethan: Oh god, don't tell me, I did it wrong. Monica: No-no. Nothing wrong about that. Young Ethan: Oh. Monica: Um, okay, here it goes. I'm not 22. I'm, I'm 25... and thirteen months. Young Ethan: Huh! Monica: But I figured, you know, that shouldn't change anything. I mean, what the hell does it matter how old we are. Young Ethan: Uh, listen um, as long as we're telling stuff, uh, I have another one for you. I'm a little younger than I said. Monica: You're not a senior? Young Ethan: Oh, I'm a senior... in High School. Monica: Ok...ay. Commercial Break Monica: What we did was wrong. Oh god, I just had sex with somebody that wasn't alive during the Bicentennial. Young Ethan: I just had sex. Monica: Ethan, focus. How could you not tell me? Young Ethan: Well, you never told me how old you were. Monica: Well, that's different. My lie didn't make one of us a felon in 48 states. What were you thinking? Young Ethan: I wasn't thinking. I was too busy fallin'... Monica: Don't say it. Young Ethan: ...in love with you. Monica: Really? Young Ethan: Sorry. Monica: Well,fall out of it. You know, you shouldn't even be here, it's a school night. Oh god, oh god. I'm like those women that you see with shiny guys named Chad. I'm Joan Collins. Young Ethan: Who? Ross: Just easier that way. Chandler: Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream. Rachel: No, forget it. Chandler: Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy? Rachel: All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there. Joey was there too. Joey: All right. Ross: Was there...uh, huh, huh, huh... andybody, anybody else there. Rachel: No. Ross: You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out uh, mints or anything? Rachel: No, it was just the three of us. Ross: Huh! Joey: So, tell me. Was it like you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler? Rachel: You know what? Joey: What? Rachel: There were times when it wasn't even me. Phoebe: That is so sweet, you guys. Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe: Hey, Mon. Rachel: Mon, Ethan called again. Mon? All: Mon! Monica: What? Rachel: Ethan called again. Monica: Oh. Ross: Are you not seeing him anymore? Monica: No. You know, sometimes just things doesn't work out. Chandler: And this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym. Rachel: I, I didn't say any... I sw... I did not say anything, I swear. He stopped by. Joey: Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest Power Ranger is? Ross: Oh, yeah. Monica: Ha,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing. Could we drop it now? Joey, Chander, and Ross: Sorry. Ross: It's morphin time! Joey: Stegosaurus! Chandler: Tyrannosaurus! Phoebe: Ooh, oh, I've gotta go. Cool! Rachel: Where are you going? Phoebe: Um, oh, I've got a birthday party, with some work people. Chandler: Work people? Nobody told me. Phoebe: No, I know. That's a part of the whole, you know, them-not-liking-you-extravaganza. Chandler: You know, I don't get this. A month ago, these people were my friends. You know, just because I'm in charge doesn't mean I'm a different person. Phoebe: Well, then you should come tonight. You know, just hang out with them. Let them see what a great guy you still are. Chandler: You think I should? Phoebe: I really do, yeah. Chandler: Okay. Phoebe: Okay. Chandler: Okay. Phoebe: Oh, but, could we not go together? I,I don't wanna be the geek that invited the boss. Chandler: I Think last night was great. You know, the Karaoke thing. Tracy and I doing Ebony and Ivory. Phoebe: You were great. But they still made fun of you. Chandler: What? Phoebe: You know, now you're more like, you know like, "Mr. Caring Boss," "Mr.", you know, "I'm one of you, Boss," "Mr., I wanna be your buddy, Boss Man Bing!" Chandler: Then, I don't get it. Phoebe: Well, you know what Chandler? I think you've gotta face it. You're like, the guy in the big office, you know. You're the one that hires them, that fires them... They still say you're a great boss. Chandler: They do? Phoebe: Uh huh. But they're not your friends anymore. Chandler: I just wan't to... Phoebe: No, but you can't. Chandler: But I just wa... Phoebe: Uh uh. Monica: Aren't you gonna... Ross: Oh, Carol and I have a new system. If she punches in 911, it means she's having a baby, otherwise I just ignore it. Joey: What about Andr�? Ross: Oh, well this morning he got a call from who I think was our cousin Nathan, and frankly, it was a little more than I needed to know. Young Ethan: Hey. Monica: That was gonna be my opener. Rachel: Hey, did you guys check out those new hand-dryers in the bathroom? Ross: I thought that was just a rumour. Rachel: True story. Joey: They're here already? Young Ethan: All right, look. I've gotta tell you something. I'm not 17. I only said so that you'd think I was cute and vunerable. I'm actually 30, I have a wife, I have a job, I'm your Congressman. Monica, this is ridiculous, we're great together. We can talk, we make each other laugh, and the sex. Oh, man, okay i have no frame of graft, but I thought that was great. Monica: It was. Young Ethan: Then, what's the problem? Monica: Ethan, it's um... it's icky. Young Ethan: Icky? You're actually gonna throw this away because it's icky? Monica: This isn't easy for me either. I wish things were different, I... If you were a few years older, or if I was a few years younger, or if we lived in biblical times, I would really... Young Ethan: No, don't say it. Monica: ...love you. Ross: Are you're hands still wet? Joey: Uh, moist, yeah. Rachel: Let's dry 'em again. Gerston: Uh, like, could these margaritas be any stronger? Hey, Chandler. Santos: Hello, Mr. Bing. Petrie: Loved your Stevie Wonder last night. Chandler: Thanks. Listen, about the weekly numbers, I'm gonna need them on my desk by nine o'clock. Santos: Sure. Gerston: No problem. Chandler: You have to give 'em something, you know. Okay, now that was Gerston, Santos, and who's the guy with the moustache? Phoebe: Petrie. Chandler: Petrie, right, right. Okay, some people gonna be working this weekend. Rachel: Oh, that's nice. Oh, oh. Huh, Ross! Rachel: Ross? Ross: I'm here. Rachel: You are. Well, um... We, we, we were just...  Wow! Ross: What? Great, now I'm having a baby. Rachel: What? Ross: Ooh, Ooh. Rachel: What? Ross: I'm having... I'm having a baby. I'm having a... Where's the phone? The phone? Rachel: I don't know where the phone is. Rachel: Ross? Ross: I'm hurt. Closing Credits Ross: Monica, let's go. Come on now people, woman in labor. Chandler: Hey Ross, look what I've got going here. Ross: Yeah, save it for the cab, okay. Ross: What are you doing? We're going to a hospital. Rachel: What, so I can't lokk nice? There might be doctors there. Ross: Joey, get out of the fridge. Joey: All right, all right. Ross: What is that? Joey: For the ride. Chandler: Yeah, like in a cab... Ross: Save it. Chandler: Okay, hating this. Ross: Monica, come on now. Let's go, baby coming. Monica: I can't belive it, I'm gonna be an aunt. I'm gonna have like a nephew. Ross: That's nice. Get out Let's go, come on. Joey: All right, I'm going. I'm going. Chandler: Here we go, here we go. Rachel: Rossy, Rossy. End Story by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman Teleplay by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein Ross: She's not here yet. She's not here. She's having my baby and she's not here. Monica: I'm sure everything's fine. Has her water broke yet? Ross: I don't know, but when I spoke to her, she said she had already passed the mucus plug. Joey: Do we have to know about that? Monica: Joey, what are you gonna do when you have a baby? Joey: I'm gonna be in the waitin' room, handing out cigars. Chandler: Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the 50's. Ross: God, I don't believe this. She could be giving birth in the cab. Rachel: Oh, Ross, relax. It's probably like two dollars for the first contraction, and then fifty cents for each additional contraction. Rachel: What, it's ok when Chandler does it? Chandler: You have to pick your moments. Phoebe: Did I miss it, did I miss it? Ross: She's not even here yet. Monica: What's with the guitar? Phoebe: I just thought we might be here for awhile. You know, things might get musical. Ross: Where the hell have you been? Susan: We stopped at the gift shop. Carol: I was looking at stuffed animals, and Susan wanted a Chunky. Ross: Susan wanted a Chunky. We're having a baby, ok, a baby, you don't stop for Chunkys. Chandler: I used to have that bumper sticker. Chandler: You see what I mean. Opening Credits Ross: Stopped for a Chunky. Carol: Let it go, Ross. Susan: I got an extra one. You want this? Ross: No. Dr. Franzblau: Hey, how's my favorite parenting team doing? Ross: Dr. Franzblau, hi. Dr. Franzblau: So, I understand you're thinking of having a baby? Well, I see you're nine months pregnant. That's a good start. How you doing with your contractions? Carol: Oh, I love them. Each one's like a little party in my uterus. Susan: They're every four minutes and last 55 seconds. Ross: 59 seconds. Quartz, ha. Susan: Swiss quartz, ha, ha. Carol: Am I allowed to drink anything? Dr. Franzblau: Ice chips, just ice chips. They're at the nurses' station. Ross: I'll get it. Susan: No, I'm getting it. I'll be right back. Ross: I got it—I'm getting it! Rachel: Hi, I thought you might like some ice chips. Carol: Thanks. Rachel: And if you need anything else, I——do not believe we've met. Hi. I'm, uh, Rachel Green. I'm Carol's... ex-husband's... sister's roommate. Dr. Franzblau: It is nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Franzblau. I'm your roommate's... brother's... ex-wife's obstetrician. Rachel: Oh, that's funny! Monica: I want a baby. Chandler: Mmmm. Not tonight, honey. I got an early day tomorrow. Monica: Get up. Come on. Let's get some coffee. Chandler: Oh, ok, 'cause we never do that. Joey: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot, or just fall down. That's good too. Lydia: Knick fan? Joey: Oh, yeah. Lydia: Oh, boy, do they suck. Joey: Hey, listen, lady.......whoa. Lydia: Look, look at your man, Ewing. Nice shot. You know what, he couldn't hit water if he was standing on a boat. Joey: Oh yeah? And who do you like? Lydia: The Celtics. Joey: The Celtics? Ha. They couldn't hit a boat if...wait. They suck, alright? Lydia: Oh, shut up. You know, it's a rebuilding year. You... waah! Joey: Wha? Wha..aa? Let me get the father. Hey, we need a father over here! We need a father! Lydia: There is no father. Joey: Oh, oh, oh, sorry. Lydia: Ok, that's ok. I'm fine. I'm... oh! Joey: Oh, uh, ok. Right this way. All the other pregnant women seem to be goin' in here. Lydia: Ok. Phoebe: They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch, and soon they'll grow up and resent you so much. Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why, you cry and you cry and you cry. And you cry and you cry and you cry... Phoebe: Thanks, Ross. Ross: Yeah. I'm paying you to stop. Phoebe: Ok. Phoebe: Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute. Monica: No fair. I don't even have one. How come they get two? Chandler: You'll get one. Monica: Oh yeah? When? Chandler: All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one? Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm 40? Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically. Monica: Ok, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40? Chandler: No, no, no. Monica: What is it? Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me? Chandler: Uh, uh. Monica: Well? Chandler: Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! Rachel: Hey. Phoebe: Hey. Ooh, look at you, dressy-dress. Monica: Did you go home and change? Rachel: Yeah, well, it's an important day. I wanna look nice. Um, has uh Dr. Franzblau been by? Monica: No, I haven't seen him. Rachel: Well, where is he? He is supposed to be here. What if the baby needs him? Chandler: Rachel, what is the deal with you and doctors, anyway? Was, like, your father a doctor? Rachel: Yeah, why? Chandler: No reason. Lydia: Mom, we've been through this. No, I'm not calling him. I don't care if it is his kid, the guy's a jerk. No, I'm not alone. Joey's here. Joey who? Joey: Tribbiani. Lydia: Joey Tribbiani. Yes, ok. Hold on. She wants to talk to you. Take the phone. Joey: Hello? Lydia: She's not much of a phone person. Joey: Yeah, so, uh, so, uh, what's the deal with this father guy, I mean, if someone was havin' my baby somewhere, I'd wanna know about it, you know? Lydia: Hey, Knick fan, am I interested in your views on fatherhood? Uh, no. Joey: Ok, look, maybe I should just go. Lydia: Maybe you should. Joey: Good luck, and uh, take care, huh? Joey: You know what the Celtics problem is? They let the players run the team. Lydia: Oh, that is so not true. Joey: Oh, it is. Lydia: It isn't. Joey: It is. Lydia: Isn't! Ross: Breathe. Susan: Breathe. Ross: Breathe. Susan: Breathe. Ross: Breathe. Susan: Breathe. Carol: You're gonna kill me! Ross: 15 more seconds, 14, 13, 12... Carol: Count faster. Susan: It's gonna be ok, just remember, we're doing this for Jordie. Just keep focusing on Jordie. Ross: Who the hell is Jordie? Susan: Your son. Ross: No-no-no. I don't have a son named Jordie. We all agreed, my son's name is Jamie. Carol: Well, Jamie was the name of Susan's first girlfriend, so we went back to Jordie. Ross: What? Whoa, whoa whoa whoa, what do you mean, back to Jordie? We never landed on Jordie. We just passed by it during the whole Jessy, Cody, Dylan fiasco. Carol: Ow, ow, ow, ow, leg cramp, leg cramp, leg cramp. Ross: I got it. Susan: I got it. Ross: I got it! Hey, you get to sleep with her, I get the cramps. Susan: No, you don't. Carol: All right, that's it. I want both of you out. Ross: Why? Susan: He started it! Ross: No, you started it. Susan: You did! Carol: I don't care. I am trying to get a person out of my body here, and you're not making it any easier. Ross: But... Carol: Now go! Ross: Thanks a lot. Susan: See what you did. Ross: Yeah, listen... Carol: Out! Nurse: Breathe, breathe, breathe... Lydia: Oh, no. Joey: Ew! What is that? Something exploded! Nurse: It's just her water breaking. Calm down, will you? Joey: Water breaking, what do you mean? What's that, water breaking? Nurse: Breathe, breathe, breathe. Ross: Please. This is so your fault. Susan: How, how is this my fault? Ross: Look, Carol never threw me out of a room before you came along. Susan: Yeah? Well, there's a lot of things Carol never did before I came along. Ross: You tryin' to be clever? A funny lady? Susan: You know what your problem is? You're threatened by me. Ross: Oh, I'm threatened by you? Susan: Yes. Phoebe: Hey, hey, ok, all right, that's it! Get in here. Come on. My god, you guys, I don't believe you. There are children coming into the world in this very building and your negative fighting noises are not the first thing they should be hearing. So just stop all the yelling, just stop it! Ross: Yeah, Susan. Phoebe: Don't make me do this again, I don't like my voice like this. Phoebe: Ok, who wants to hear something ironic? Commercial Break All: Help! Ross: I'm having a baby in here! Ok, everyone stand back. Ow. Carol: Are they here yet? Rachel: No, honey, they're not, but don't worry, because we are going to find them, and until we do, we are all here for you, ok? Carol: Ok. Rachel: Ok? Carol: Ok. Rachel: Ok, so anyway, you were telling me about Paris, it sounds fascinating. Dr. Franzblau: It really was. There was this great little pastry shop right by my hotel. There you go, dear. Joey: Come on, Lydia, you can do it. Push! Push 'em out, push 'em out, harder, harder. Push 'em out, push 'em out, way out! Let's get that ball and really move, hey, hey, ho, ho. Let's— I was just—yeah, right. Push! Push! Susan: What're you gonna do, suck the door open? Ross: Help! Help! Phoebe: la la la la la la. Susan and Ross: Help! Monica: Now, Mom, everything's going fine, really. Would you stop? I'm only 26, I'm not even thinking about babies yet. Chandler: Where have you been? Joey: Oh, just had a baby. Chandler: Mazel tov! Dr. Franzblau: I don't know, could be an hour, could be three, but relax, she's doing great. So, uh, tell me, are you currently involved with anyone? Rachel: No, no, not at the moment, no, I'm not. Are you? Dr. Franzblau: No, it's hard enough to get women to go out with me. Rachel: Right, yeah, I've heard that about cute doctors. Dr. Franzblau: No, no, really. I suppose it's because I spend so much time, you know, where I do. Rachel: Oh. Dr. Franzblau: I try not to let my work affect my personal life, but it's hard, when you... do what I do. It's like uh...Well, for instance, what do you do? Rachel: I'm a waitress. Dr. Franzblau: Ok, all right, well aren't there times when you come home at the end of the day, and you're just like, 'if I see one more cup of coffee'... Rachel: Yeah. Gotcha. Dr. Franzblau: I'm gonna go check up on your friend. Rachel: Ok. That's fine. Lydia: So how did you know I was even here? Guy: Your mom called me. So is this her? Lydia: No, this is a loaner. Guy: I'm sorry you had to do this by yourself. Lydia: I wasn't by myself. I had a doctor, a nurse, and a helper guy. So, did you see who won the game? Guy: Yeah, the Knicks by 10. They suck. Lydia: Yeah, they're not so bad. Ross: Come on, come on. Damnit, damnit, damnit, damnit. This is all your fault. This is supposed to be, like, the greatest day of my life, y'know? My son is being born, and I should be in there, you know, instead of stuck in a closet with you. Susan: The woman I love is having a baby today. I've been waiting for this just as much as you have. Ross: No no no, believe me. No one has been waiting for this as much as I have, ok? And you know what the funny thing is? When this day is over, you get to go home with the baby, ok? Where does that leave me? Susan: You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I? There's Mother's Day, there's Father's Day, there's no... Lesbian Lover Day. Ross: Every day is Lesbian Lover Day. Phoebe: This is so great. Ross: You wanna explain that? Phoebe: I mean, well, 'cause when I was growing up, you know my dad left, and my mother died, and my stepfather went to jail, so I barely had enough pieces of parents to make one whole one. And here's this little baby who has like three whole parents who care about it so much that they're fighting over who gets to love it the most. And it's not even born yet. It's just, it's just the luckiest baby in the whole world. I'm sorry, you were fighting. Carol: Where are they? Monica: I'm sure they'll be here soon. Rachel: Yeah, honey, they wouldn't miss this. Joey: Relax. You're only at nine centimeters. And the baby's at zero station. Chandler: You are really frightening me. Chandler: Somebody wanna help me, tryin' to rip out my heart. Anybody seen a nipple? Dr. Franzblau: All right, ten centimeters, here we go. Nurse: All right, honey, time to start pushing. Carol: But they're not here yet! Dr. Franzblau: I'm sorry, I can't tell the baby to wait for them. Carol: Oh, god. Ross: Ok, got the vent open. Phoebe: Hi, I'm Ben. I'm hospital worker Ben. It's Ben... to the rescue! Ross: Ben, you ready? All right, gimme your foot. Ok, on three, Ben. One, two, three. Ok, That's it, Ben. Susan: What do you see? Phoebe: Well, Susan, I see what appears to be a dark vent. Wait. Yes, it is in fact a dark vent. Ross: Phoebs, It's open! It's open! Janitor: Wait! You forgot your legs! All: Push, push! Ross: We're here! Carol: Where have you been? Ross: Long story, honey. Dr. Franzblau: All right, Carol, I need you to keep pushing. I need— Excuse me, could I have this? Nurse: All right, all right, there's a few too many people in this room, and there's about to be one more, so anybody who's not an ex-husband or a lesbian life partner, out you go! All: Good luck! Chandler: Let me ask you, do you have to be Carol's lesbian life partner? Nurse: Out! Dr. Franzblau: All right, he's crowning. Here he comes. Ross: Let me see, I gotta see, I gotta see. Oh, a head. Oh, it's, it's huge. Carol, how are you doing this? Carol: Not.... helping! Dr. Franzblau: You're doing great, you're doing fine. Ross: Oh, sorry. Susan: What do you see? What do you see? Ross: We got a head, we got shoulders, we got arms, we got, oh, look at the little fingers, oh, and a chest, and a stomach. It's a boy, definitely a boy! All right! Ok, legs, knees, and feet. Oh, oh. He's here. He's a person. Susan: Oh, look at that. Carol: What does he look like? Ross: Kinda like my uncle Ed, covered in Jell-o. Carol: Really? Phoebe: You guys, he's beautiful! Ross: Oh, thanks, Pheebs! Susan: No shouting, but we still need a name for this little guy. Ross: How 'bout Ben? Susan: I like Ben. Carol: Ben. Ben. Ben's good. How come you never mentioned Ben before? Ross: We uh, we just cooked it up. Susan: That's what we were off doing. Monica: Hi. Ross: Hey. Monica: Can we come in? Ross: I know, I know. Everybody, there's someone I'd like you to meet. Yeah. This is Ben. Ben, this is everybody. Phoebe: Susan, he looks just like you. Susan: Thanks. Rachel: Oh, god, I can't believe one of us actually has one of these. Chandler: I know, I still am one of these. Monica: Ross, can I? Ross: The head, the head. You gotta... Monica: Hi, Ben. Hi. I'm your Aunt Monica. Yes I am. I'm your Aunt Monica. I...I will always have gum. Closing Credits Ross: Ben, I want you to know that there may be some times when I may not be around, like this. Chandler: And sometimes, I'll want you to steal third, and I'll go like this. Monica: He is so amazing. Rachel: Oh, I know. Look at him. Joey: Ben, Ben, hey Ben. Nothing. I don't think that's his name. Phoebe: Oh, look, look, he's closing his eyes. Joey: He doesn't do much, does he? Ross: No, this is pretty much it. Rachel: You guys wanna get some coffee? All: Yeah. Ross: All right, I'll see you guys later. Phoebe: Oh, look, he's closing his eyes again. End Ross: And here's little Ben nodding off... Monica: Awww, look at Aunt Monica's little boy! Phoebe: Oh, look, he's got Ross's haircut! Rachel: Oh, let me see! Oh, God, is he just the sweetest thing? You must just want to kiss him all over! Ross: That would be nice. Rachel: Pardon? Chandler: Nothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. Pffft. Pffffffft. Joey: Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I promise I'll pay you back. Chandler: Oh, yeah, right, OK... inlcuding the waffles last week, you now owe me... 17 jillion dollars. Joey: I will, really. I'll pay you back this time. Chandler: Joey: Well... I'm helping out down at the N.Y.U. Med School with some... research. Ross: What kind of research? Joey: Oh, just, y'know.... science. Ross: Science. Yeah, I think I've heard of that. Joey: ... It's a fertility study. Monica: Oh, Joey, please tell me you're only donating your time. Joey: Alright, come on you guys, it's not that big a deal. Really... I mean, I just go down there every other day and... make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey, but at the end of two weeks, I get seven hundred dollars. Ross: Hey. Phoebe: Wow, ooh, you're gonna be making money hand over fist! Monica: OK, we got the cole slaw, we got the buns... Phoebe: We've got the ground-up flesh of formerly cute cows and turkeys, ew... Chandler: Men are here. Joey: We make fire. Cook meat. Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back. Monica and Phoebe: Ewww! Monica: Oh Joey, Melanie called, said she's gonna be late. Joey: Oh, OK. Phoebe: So how are things going with you two? Is she becoming your special someone? Joey: I don't know, she's, uh.... she's pretty great. Monica: Yeah? What does she think of your little science project? Joey: What, you think I'm gonna tell a girl I like that I'm also seeing a cup? Monica: Man's got a point. Joey: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me. Chandler: Crazy bitch. Joey: Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program, and according to the rules, if I want to get the money I'm not allowed to conduct any... ersonal experiments, if you know what I mean. Monica: Joey... we always know what you mean. Phoebe: Hey. Monica: Hey. Ross: Hey. Phoebe: How long did you think this barbecue was gonna last? Ross: I'm going to China. Phoebe: Jeez, you say one thing, and... Monica: You're going to China? Ross: Yeah, i-it's for the museum. Someone found a bone, we want the bone, but they don't want us to have the bone, so I'm going over there to try to persuade them to give us the bo—it's—it's a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I'm gonna be gone for like, uh... like a week, so, uh, if you wanna reach me, y-you can't. So here's my itinerary Phoebe: Oh, let me see! Ross: : Could you take it to Carol's every now and then, and show it to Ben, just so he doesn't forget me? Monica: Yeah. Phoebe: Hi, Ben. I'm your father. I am... the head. Aaaaaahhhh.... Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun. Ross: Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left. Monica: Oh no, she's out having drinks with Carl. Ross: Oh. Hey, who's Carl? Monica: You know, that guy she met at the coffeehouse. Ross: No. Phoebe: Oh, well, see, there's this guy she met at the... Ross: At the coffeehouse, right. Phoebe: So you do know who he is! Sorry. Ross: OK, I'm gonna go say goodbye to the guys. Phoebe: Oh, hey, y'know what? Tell them that bone story. Ross: Hi. Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Ross: ....I have to go to China. Joey: The country? Ross: No no, this big pile of dishes in my mom's breakfront. Do you guys know who Carl is? Chandler: Uh, let's see... Alvin... Simon... Theodore.... no. Ross: Well, Rachel's having drinks with him tonight. Joey: Oh no! How can she do that when she's never shown any interest in you?!? Chandler: Forget about her. Joey: He's right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food. Chandler: Course there, they just call it food. Ross: Yeah... I guess. I don't—I don't know. Alright, just... just give her this for me, OK? Joey: Listen, buddy, we're just looking out for you. Ross: I know. Joey: We want you to be happy. And I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man. Chandler: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice. Melanie: Anyway, that's when me and my friends started this whole fruit basket business. We call ourselves 'The Three Basketeers.' Joey: Like the three musketeers, only with fruit. Chandler: Monica: OK, how does everybody like their burgers? Rachel: Oh, no, no, no. Presents first. Food later. Monica: Hey, hold on there, tiger. How's it going? How you holding up? Joey: Well, not so good. She definitely thinks tonight is the night we're gonna... complete the transaction, if you know what I... Joey: Then you do. Heh, heh. Monica: So, uh, have you ever thought about being there for her? Joey: What do you mean? Monica: Y'know, just be there for her. Joey: Not following you. Monica: Think about it. Rachel: OK, I'm guessing this is from... Rachel: Well, thank you, Melanie. Chandler: OK, this one right here is from me. Rachel: Rachel: This one's from Joey... feels like a book. Thinks it's a book... feels like a book. And......it's a book! Phoebe: Oh, it's Dr. Seuss! Joey: : That book got me through some tough times. Melanie: There is a little child inside this man! Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die. Rachel: Who's this from? Chandler: Oh, that's Ross's. Rachel: Oh... Oh my God. He remembered. Phoebe: Remembered what? Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered! Chandler: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane? Phoebe: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune. Monica: I can't believe he did this. Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck? Rachel: What did you just say? Chandler: ahem... um... Crystal duck. Rachel: No, no, no.... the, um, the... 'love' part? Chandler: F-hah.... flennin.... Rachel: Oh.... my God. Chandler: Oh, no-no-no-no-no.... Joey: That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time. Commercial Break Rachel: I mean, this is unbelievable. Phoebe: I know. This is really, really huge. Chandler: No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee. Phoebe: Nuh-uh. I don't think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again. Chandler: OK, is there a mute button on this woman? Monica: I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross! D-did you have any idea? Rachel: No! None! I mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned something about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so I just... : W-well, what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me? Joey: Well, given that he's desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something. Rachel: Ross? All this time? Well, I've got to talk to him. Chandler: H-He's in China! Joey: The country. Monica: No, no, wait. His flight doesn't leave for another forty-five more minutes. Chandler: What about the time difference? Monica: From here to the airport? Chandler: Yes! You're never gonna make it! Monica: Rachel, what're you gonna say to him? Rachel: I-I-I don't know. Chandler: Well then maybe you shouldn't go. Joey: He's right, cause if you're just gonna, like, break his heart, that's the kind of thing that can wait. Monica: Yeah, but if it's good news, you should tell him now. Rachel: I don't know. Maybe I'll know when I see him. Phoebe: Here, look, alright, does this help? Rachel: Noooo... look, all I know is that I cannot wait a week until I see him. I mean, this is just too big. Y'know, I just, I've just gotta talk to him. I... I gotta... OK, I'll see you later. Chandler: Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first! Ross: Flight Attendant: Alright! Ross: Ni-chou chi-ma! Rachel: Ross! Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me.... Flight Attendant: Hi! Rachel: Hi. Flight Attendant: May I see your boarding pass? Rachel: Oh, no, no, I don't have one. I just need to talk to my friend. Flight Attendant: Oh, oooh. I'm sorry. You are not allowed on the jetway unless you have a boarding pass. Rachel: No, I know, but I—he just went on. He's right there, he's got the blue jacket on, I... can I j-just... Flight Attendant: No no no! Federal regulations! Rachel: OK, alright, OK, um... then could you please, uh... just give him a message for me? Please? This is very important. Flight Attendant: Alright. What's the message? Rachel: Uh... I don't know. Flight Attendant: Sir? Sir? Excuse me, sir? Uh... I have a message for you. Man: What? Flight Attendant: It's from Rachel. She said that she loved the present, and she will see you when you get back. Man: : Toby... Oh, for God's sake, I don't know what she's talking about! There's no Rachel! Don't give me that deep freeze. Melanie: Mmmmmm... Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey... I think I blacked out there for a minute! Joey: Heh, heh. It was nothin'. Melanie: Well, now we've gotta find something fun for you! Joey: Uhhh.. y'know what? Forget about me. Let's, uh... let's give you another turn. Melanie: M-Me again? Joey: Sure! Why not? Melanie: Boy, somebody's gonna get a big fruit basket tomorrow. Melanie: Oooh, I gotta tell you... you are nothing like I thought you would be. Joey: How do you mean? Melanie: I don't know, I-I guess I just had you pegged as one of those guys who're always 'me, me, me.' But you... you're a giver. You're like the most generous man I ever met. I mean... you're practically a woman. Monica: Uh, so, uh, Rach, uh... do you wanna save this wrapping paper, I mean, it's only a little bit torn... so are you gonna go for it with Ross or should I just throw it out? Rachel: I don't know. I don't know... I thought about it all the way there, and I thought about it all the way back... and, uh, oh, you guys, y'know, it's Ross. Y'know what I mean? I mean, it's Ross. Monica and Phoebe: Sure. Rachel: I don't know, I mean, this is just my initial gut feeling... but I'm thinking... oh, I'm thinking it'd be really great. Monica: Oh my God, me too! Oh! Oh, we'd be like friends-in-law! Y'know what the best part is? The best part is that you already know everything about him! I mean, it's like starting on the fifteenth date! Phoebe: Yeah, but, y'know, it's... it would be like starting on the fifteenth date. Monica: Another good point. Phoebe: No, I mean, I mean, when you're at the fifteenth date, y'know, you're already in a very relationshippy place. Y'know, it's... you're committed. Rachel: Huh? Phoebe: Well, I mean, then what happens if it doesn't work out? Monica: Why isn't it working out? Rachel: I don't know... sometimes it doesn't. Monica: Is he not cute enough for you? Rachel: No! Monica: Does he not make enough money? Rachel: No, I'm just.... Phoebe: Maybe there's someone else. Rachel: Wha... Monica: Is there? Is there someone else? Rachel: No! There is.. there is noone else! Monica: Then why the hell are you dumping my brother?!? Chandler: Hey, big... Joey: Shhhh! Chandler: ...spender. Joey: She's still asleep. Chandler: So how'd it go? Joey: Oh, it was amazing. You know how you always think you're great in bed? Chandler: The fact that you'd even ask that question shows how little you know me. Joey: Well, it's like, last night, I couldn't do the thing that usually makes me great. So I had to do all this other stuff. And the response I got... man, oh man, it was like a ticker tape parade! Chandler: Yes, I know, as it happens my room is very very close to the parade route. Joey: It was amazing! And not just for her... uh-uh. For me, too. It's like, all of a sudden, I'm blind. But all my other senses are heightened, y'know? It's like... I was able to appreciate it on another level. Chandler: I didn't know you had another level. Joey: I know! Neither did I! Monica: Hey, great skirt! Birthday present? Rachel: Yeah. Monica: Oh, from who? Rachel: From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me. Monica: Well, it's the thought. Hey, doesn't Ross's flight get in in a couple hours? At gate 27-B? Rachel: Uh, yeah. Uh, Monica, y'know, honey, I've been thinking about it and I've decided this—this whole Ross thing, it's just not a good idea. Monica: Oh, why? Rachel: Because, I feel like I wouldn't just be going out with him. I would be going out with all of you. Oh, and there would just be all this pressure, and I don't wanna... Monica: No, no, no, no, no, no pressure, no pressure! Rachel: Monica, nothing has even happened yet, and you're already so... Monica: I am not 'so'! OK, I was a teensy bit weird at first, but... I'll be good. I promise. Rachel: Who is it? Intercom: It's me, Carl. Rachel: C'mon up. Monica: Behind my brother's back? ... is exactly the kind of crazy thing you won't be hearing from me. Joey: Seven hundred bucks! Chandler: Alright, you did it! Do we have any fruit? Joey: Man, hell of a two weeks, huh? Y'know what, though? I really feel like I learned something. Chandler: Really? So, you're gonna stick with this 'it's all for her' thing? Joey: What, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this? Carl: I'm just sayin', if I see one more picture of Ed Begley, Jr. in that stupid electric car, I'm gonna shoot myself! I mean, don't get me wrong... I'm not against environmental issues per se.... it's just that guy! Ross: I can't believe you'd rather go out with him than me. Rachel: Would you excuse me, please? I'm trying to have a date here. Ross: Fine, just stop thinking about me. Ross: Can't do it, can you? Rachel: So I'm thinking about you. So what? Ross: I don't get it. What do you see in this guy, anyway? Rachel: Well... he happens to be a very nice... guy.... Carl: I mean, come on, buddy, get a real car! Ross: Rachel, come on. Give us a chance. Rachel: Ross, it's too hard. Ross: No, no, no... why, because it might get weird for everyone else? Who cares about them. This is about us. Look, I-I've been in love with you since, like, the ninth grade. Rachel: Ross, you're like my best friend. Ross: I know. Rachel: If we broke up, and I lost you... Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What makes you think we're gonna break up? Rachel: Well, have you been involved with someone where you haven't broken up? Ross: No. But... it only has to happen once. Look, you and I both know we are perfect for each other, right? I mean... so, the only question is... are you attracted to me? Rachel: I don't know... I mean, I've never looked at you that way before. Ross: Well, start looking. Rachel: Wow. Carl: Exactly! And you just know I'm gonna be the guy caught behind this hammerhead in traffic! Rachel: Right! You're right! Carl: Heh... y'know? Rachel: You know what? Carl: What? Rachel: I forgot... I am supposed to pick up a friend at the airport. I am so sorry! I'm so... if you want to stay, and finish your drinks, please do.... I mean—I'm sorry. I-I-I gotta go. I'm sorry. Carl: But... Rachel: Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, excuse me, sorry. Hi. Man: For God's sake, will you let it go? There's no Rachel! Ross: Oh, hey, hey, I got that. Julie: Oh, thanks, sweetie. Ross: No problem. I cannot wait for you to meet my friends. Julie: Really? Ross: Yeah. Julie: You don't think they'll judge and ridicule me? Ross: No, no, they will. I just... uh... Ross and Julie: Can't wait. Ross: Come on, they're gonna love you. End Phoebe: Ok, so this is pretty much what's happened so far. Ross was in love with Rachel since, you know, forever, but every time he tried to tell her, something kind of got in the way, like cats, and Italian guys. Finally Chandler was like "forget about her" but when Ross was in China on his dig, Chandler let it slip that Ross was in love with Rachel. She was like, "Oh my god." So she went to the airport to meet him when he came back, but what she didn't know was, that Ross was getting off the plane with another woman. Uh-Oh! So, that's pretty much everything you need to know. But, enough about us. So, how've you been? Opening Credits Rachel: Oh my god. Oh my god. Ross: Rach! Rachel: Oh, there you are! Hi! Oh, so, so, how was China, you? Ross: It was, it was great. Oh, what happened? Rachel: What? Ross: You're bleeding. Rachel: I am? Oh, look at that, yes I am. Enough about me, enough about me, Mr. Back from the Orient. Come on. I wanna hear everything! Everything. Ross: Well, where do I start? This is Julie. Julie, this is Rachel. Rachel: These are, these aren't for you. Welcome to our country. Julie: Thank you. I'm from New York. Rachel: Ok, well, not a problem. We'll just use them to stop the bleeding. Ok. Baggage claim? Ok. Chandler:  No way! Monica: I'm telling you, she went to the airport, and she's gonna go for it with Ross! Phoebe: Oh my god. This is huge. This is bigger than huge. This is like, all right, what's bigger than huge? Joey: Um, this? Phoebe: Yes. Monica: Guys, you got your hair cut. Chandler: Yes, yes, we did, thanks to Vidal Buffay. Phoebe: 'Cause, you know, if you don't look good, we don't look good. I love that voice. Rachel: Airport, airport. Ross, not alone, Julie, arm around her. Cramp, cramp. Chandler: Ok, I think she's trying to tell us something. Quick, get the verbs. Rachel: You, you slowpokes! Ross: That's all right, Rach, we got the bags. Hi, hello. Julie, this is my sister Monica. This is Chandler.  Phoebe.  Joey, what up? Joey: What up?! Ross: Everyone, this is Julie. Rachel: Julie. All: Ohh. Hi! Julie: Hi, but I'm not here, you haven't met me. I'll make a much better first impression tomorrow when I don't have 20 hours of cab and plane on me. Ross: And bus. Julie: Oh my god. Ross:  The screaming guy? Julie:  And the spitting? Ross: You gotta hear this story. Julie: We're on this bus, that's easily 200 years old... Ross: 200 at least. Julie:  ...and this guy... Rachel: And the chicken pooped in her lap. Oh, I'm so sorry. I just gave away the ending, didn't I? Oh! It's just, I just heard this story in the cab, and it is all I can think about. Monica: This is amazing. I mean, how, how did this happen? Julie: Well, Ross and I were in grad school together. Ross: But we haven't seen each other since then. Well I land in China, guess who's in charge of the dig. Rachel: Julie! Julie, isn't that great? I mean, isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic? Monica: It's an expression. Ross: Well, we just wanted to say a quick hi, and then we're gonna go see the baby. Julie: And then we've gotta get some sleep. Ross: Yeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrow night our time. Chandler: Well, listen, don't tell us what's gonna happen though, 'cause I like to be surprised. Rachel: Bye. Ross: Hey, Rach, can I get some coffee? Rachel: Yeah, sure. Ross: Thank you. Chandler: Hey, Rach, can I get... Rachel: Did you talk to him? Chandler: Not yet. Rachel: Then, no. Chandler: So what the hell happened to you in China? I mean, when last we left you, you were totally in love with, you know. Ross: I know, I know I was, but there was always this little voice inside that kept saying it's never gonna happen, move on. You know whose voice that was? Chandler: God? Ross: It was you, pal. Chandler: Well, maybe it was God, doing me. Ross: Look, you were right. She looks at me and sees a friend, that's all. But then I met Julie, and I don't know, we're havin' a great time. And I have to say, I never would've gone for it with her if it hadn't been for you. Chandler: Well, you owe me one, big guy. Rachel: Here's your lemonade. Ross: I didn't order lemonade. Rachel: Oh. Well then, you better go take that back because they're gonna charge you for that. Ross: But... Rachel: Go-go-go-go, come on! So uh, what did you find out? Chandler: He said...he said, he said that they're having a great time. I'm sorry. But, the silver lining, if you wanna see it, is that he made the decision all by himself!  Without any outside help whatsoever. Rachel: How is that the silver lining? Chandler: You have to really wanna see it. Ross: Ironically, these are the guys who were picked last in gym. Monica: Pheebes, you know what I'm thinking? Phoebe: Oh, ok. How, it's been so long since you've had sex, you're wondering if they've changed it? Monica: No, although now that's what I'm thinking. Phoebe: All right, so what were you thinking? Monica: Well, I was thinking, that you gave the guys such great haircuts, I thought, maybe you'd like to do mine? Phoebe: Ohh! No. Monica: Why not? Phoebe: Because, I'm just, I'm incredibly anal and an unbelievable control freak. Monica: No you're not. Phoebe: I know I'm not, but you are, and I was trying to spare your feelings. Joey: Ross: Hello? Hi. Chandler: Hi. Anybody know a good tailor? Joey: Needs some clothes altered? Chandler: No, no, I'm just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk. Joey: Why don't you go see Frankie? My family's been goin' to him forever. He did my first suit when I was 15. No wait, 16. No, 'scuse me, 15. All right, when was 1990? Chandler: Okay.  You have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance! Ross: Well you didn't hang up either. Rachel: She didn't hang up either! Ross: Ok, no, no, you hang up. You, you, y... Rachel: Sorry, I thought you were talking to me. Ross: Rachel! I'll just call her back. Rachel: Okay! Ross: Rachel: Ok, ok, ok. How did this happen to me? How did this happen to me? A week ago, two weeks ago, I was fine. Ross was just Ross, just this guy. Now he's Rrrooossss, oh, this really great guy that I can't have. Monica: Sweetie, I wanted you to have him too. Rachel: I know you did. I'm just gonna deal with it, I'm just gonna deal with it. Chandler: Ok, I don't care what you guys say, something's bothering her. Joey: You know, I think I was sixteen. Monica: Please, just a little bit off the back. Phoebe: I'm still on "no." Rachel: Uh, morning. Do you guys think you could close your eyes for just a sec? Joey: No-no-no-no-no, I'm not fallin' for that again. Phoebe: What's goin' on? Rachel: Well, I sorta did a stupid thing last night. Chandler: What stupid thing did you do? Paulo: Bon giorno tutti! Phoebe: Ewww! Commercial Break Rachel: Ok, Paulo, why don't you just go get dressed, and then you be on your way, ok, bye-bye. Monica: Rachel, how did this happen? Rachel: I don't know, I just kinda ran into him last night. Phoebe: Where? Rachel: At his apartment. Is this juice? Joey: Whoa, whoa. And the fact that you dumped him because he hit on Phoebe? Rachel: Oh God, I know I'm a pathetic loser. Monica: Honey, you're not pathetic, you're sad. Chandler: People do stupid things when they're upset. Monica: My god, if I had a nickel for every guy I wish I hadn't..., but this is about your horrible mistake. All: Hi! Ross: Hi. Sorry we're late but we were—well, there was touching. Paulo: Hey, hey Ross. Ross: Hey, Paulo. What are you doing here? Paulo: I do Raquel. Ross: So, uh, he's back. Rachel: Yeah, he's back. Is that a problem? Ross: No, not a problem. Rachel: Good! I'm glad it's not a problem. Phoebe: Ok, you're gonna have to not touch my ass. Chandler: Well, in spite of the yummy bagels and palpable tension, I've got pants that need to be altered. Joey: Hey, Chandler, when you see Frankie, tell him Joey Tribbiani says hello. He'll know what it means. Chandler: Are you sure he's gonna be able to crack that code? Monica: You know it's funny, the last time Paulo was here, my hair was so much shorter and cuter. Phoebe: All right. Ok, but, but!  You have to promise that you will not be all like control-y and bossy and Monica about it. Monica: I promise. Phoebe: All right. Now some of you are gonna get cut, and some of you aren't. But I promise none of you are gonna feel a thing. Phoebe: All right, that's it, I quit. Monica: What? I didn't say anything. Phoebe: Yeah, but this is the face of a person who, you know, doesn't trust a person. Monica: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Phoebe. It's just a little shorter than what we had discussed. Phoebe: Would you relax? I know what I am doing. This is how he wears it. Monica: How who wears it? Phoebe: Demi Moore. Monica: Demi Moore is not a he. Phoebe: Well, he was a he in Arthur, and in Ten. Monica: That's Dudley Moore. I said I wanted it like Demi Moore. Phoebe: Oh.  Oh! Monica: Oh my God! Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica: Oh my God! Phoebe: Oh my God! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Which one's Demi Moore? Monica: She's the actress that was in Disclosure, Indecent Proposal, Ghost! Phoebe: Oh, she's got gorgeous hair. Monica: I know! Frankie: How long do you want the cuffs? Chandler: At least as long as I have the pants. Frankie: I just got that. Ok, now we'll do your inseam. Rachel: How is she? Phoebe: It's too soon to tell. She's resting, which is a good sign. Ross: How's the hair? Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you, Ross, it doesn't look good. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling. Joey: Can we see her? Phoebe: Your hair looks too good, I think it would upset her. Ross, why don't you come on in. Ross:  Yeah. Joey: How're you doing? Rachel: I'm okay. Joey: Ooh, that bad, huh? Rachel: What? Joey: Look, I can sense when women are depressed and vulnerable. It's one of my gifts. Rachel: When I saw him get off that plane with her, I really thought I hit rock bottom. But today, it's like there's rock bottom, 50 feet of crap, then me. Joey: You gotta tell Ross how you feel. Rachel: Come on. How can I just tell him? What about Julie? Joey: What about her? They've only been going out for two weeks. Ross has been in love with you for like 10 years. Rachel: I don't know, I don't know. Joey: Look, Rach, Rach! I've been with my share of women. In fact, I've been with like a lot of people's share of women. The point is, I've never felt about anyone the way Ross felt about you. Chandler: Your tailor is a very bad man! Joey: Frankie? What're you talking about? Ross: Chandler: Joey's tailor...took advantage of me. Ross: What? Joey: No way. I've been going to the guy for 12 years. Chandler: Oh come on! He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite... Ross: What? Chandler: Cupping. Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants? Ross: Yes, yes it is. In prison! Whatsa matter with you? Joey: What? That's not? Oh my God. Monica: Even Mary Tyler Moore would've been better. Ross: I like it. I do, I think it's a Ten. Monica: Thank you. My hair is very amused. Chandler: Come on, Monica, things could be worse. You could get caught between the moon and New York City. I know it's crazy, but it's true. Phoebe: Thank you. Ross: Well, I gotta go. Bye. Bye, Rach. Rachel: Wait, are you leaving? Ross: Yeah, that's kinda what I meant by "bye!" Rachel: Well, can I talk to you for a sec? Ross: Okay. Joey: Hey, when the doctor does that hernia test... Chandler: That's ok. Ross: What's goin' on? Rachel: Well, first of all, Paulo and I are not back together. It was just a stupid thing I did, and if I could go back in time and do it again, well, I wouldn't. Um, second of all , what? Ross: Ok. Well, before I say anything, I just need to know, is this one of those things where you break up with a guy, and then I tell you what I think, and then the next day you get back together with the guy, and I look like a complete idiot? Rachel: No. No-no-no-no. Ross: Well, then, I think, I think the guy is scum. I hate him. I mean I actually—I-I physically hate him. I always have. You are way too good to be with a guy like that. Rachel: Really? Ross: You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you, and who gets how funny and sweet and amazing, and adorable, and sexy you are, you know? Someone who wakes up every morning thinking "Oh my god, I'm with Rachel". You know, someone who makes you feel good, the way I am with Julie. Was there a second of all? Rachel: No, I think that was the whole all. Ross: Okay.  Okay. Okay. Joey: I swear to god, Dad. That's not how they measure pants. Closing Credits Julie: I was thinking of doing it a little shorter, you know, like Andie McDowell's new haircut? Phoebe: Oh yeah!  Oh, I can do that. Julie: Really? Phoebe: You wanna do it right now? Julie: Great! Phoebe: Ok, I just wanna be really sure this time. Andie McDowell's the girl from Four Weddings and a Funeral, right? Rachel: No. No no no no no. That's Rodney McDowell. Andie McDowell is the guy from Planet of the Apes. Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Ok, thank you. Rachel: You're welcome. End Written by: Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen Monica: Phoebe: Oh, look at these! Hey, Ben. Just do it. Oh my God, oh, ok, was that too much pressure for him? Susan: Oh, is he hungry already? Carol: I guess so. Chandler: You know, it's... Joey: I gotta get one, too. Ross: What are you guys doing? Chandler: We're just hanging out by the spoons. Ladle? Ross: Look, would you guys grow up? That is the most natural beautiful thing in the world. Joey: Yeah, we know, but there's a baby suckin' on it. Ross: This is my son having lunch, ok? It's gonna happen a lot, so you'd better get used to it. Now if you have any problem with it, if you're uncomfortable, just ask questions. Carol's fine with it, now come on. Ross: Carol? Chandler: Carol? I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding? Carol: Sure. Joey: Uh, does it hurt? Carol: It did at first, but not anymore. Joey: Chandler? Chandler: So, uh, how often can you do it? Carol: As much as he needs. Joey: Ok, I got one, I got one. Uh, if he blows into one, does the other one get bigger? Opening Credits Julie: Rachel, do you have any muffins left? Rachel: Yeah, I forget which ones. Julie: Oh, you're busy, that's ok, I'll get it. Anybody else want one? All: No thanks. Julie: Rachel: What a bitch. Julie: Oh, listen you guys. I have this friend at Bloomingdale's who's quitting tomorrow and he wants to abuse his discount. So, anyone want to come with me and take advantage of it? Phoebe: I can't, I have to take my grandmother to the vet. Monica: Ok, um, I'll go with you. Julie: Great. Ross: Hi, honey. Chandler: Hey, sweetums. Ross: Hello to the rest. All:  Hi! Joey: Monica what're you doin'? You can't go shopping with her? What about Rachel? Monica: It's gonna be a problem, isn't it? Chandler: Come on, you're going to Bloomingdale's with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship. Monica: But I'm... Phoebe: Monica, she will kill you. She will kill you like a dog in the street. Ross: So, uh, Jules tells me you guys are going shopping tomorrow? Monica: Yeah, uh, it's actually not that big a deal. Ross: It's a big deal to me. This is great, Monica. I really appreciate this. Monica: You're welcome. Phoebe: Woof, woof. Joey: Hey Annabelle. Annabelle: Hey, Joey. So did you hear about the new guy? Joey: Who? Annabelle: Nobody knows his name. Me and the girls just call him the Hombre man. Hombre Man: Joey: What's he doin' in my section? Annabelle: I guess he doesn't know. Joey: Well, he's gonna. I'll see you a little later, ok? Hey, how ya doin'? Hombre Man: Mornin'. Joey: Listen, I know you're new, but it's kinda understood that everything from Young Men's to the escalator is my territory. Hombre Man: Your territory, huh? Joey: Yeah. Bijan for men? Guy: No thanks. Hombre Man: Hombre? Guy: Yeah. All right. Hombre Man: You were saying? Monica: Phoebe, listen. You were with me, and we were shopping all day. Phoebe: What? Monica: We were shopping, and we had lunch. Phoebe: Oh, all right. What did I have? Monica: You had a salad. Phoebe: Oh, no wonder I don't feel full. Rachel: Hey, guys, what's up. Phoebe: I went shopping with Monica all day, and I had a salad. Rachel: Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy? Phoebe: Um, we went shopping for um, for, fur. Rachel: You went shopping for fur? Phoebe: Yes, and then I realized I'm against that, and uh, so then we bought some, uh, boobs. Rachel: You bought boobs? Phoebe: Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras. Joey: Hey, Annabelle, Uh, listen, I was wondering if maybe after work you and I could go maybe grab a cup of coffee. Annabelle: Oh, actually I sorta have plans. Hombre Man: Ready, Annabelle? Annabelle: You bet. Maybe some other time? Joey: Bijan for men?! Carol: Ok, and this is Funny Clown. Funny Clown is only for after his naps, not before his naps or he won't sleep. Ross: Carol, we've been through this before, ok? We have a good time. We laugh, we play. It's like we're father and son. Susan: Honey, relax. Ross is great with him. Don't look so surprised. I'm a lovely person. Rachel: Oh, this is so cute. Susan: Oh, I got that for him. Ross: My mommies love me. That's clever. Monica: Hello? Oh, Hi, Ju— Rachel: Did you just say Hi, Jew? Monica: Yes. Uh, yes, I did. That was my friend, Eddie Moskowitz. Yeah, he likes it. Reaffirms his faith. Phoebe: Ben, dinner! Ross: Thanks Aunt Pheebs. Hey, you didn't microwave that, did you, because it's breast milk, and you're not supposed to do that. Phoebe: Duh, I think I know how to heat breast milk. Ok. Chandler: What did you just do? Phoebe: I licked my arm, what? Ross: It's breast milk. Phoebe: So? Rachel: Phoebe, that is juice, squeezed from a person. Joey: What is the big deal? Chandler: What did you just do? Ross: Ok, would people stop drinking the breast milk? Phoebe: You won't even taste it? Ross: No! Phoebe: Not even if you just pretend that it's milk? Ross: Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing child on it. Monica: Hey, where is everybody? Rachel: They took Ben to the park. Where've you been? Monica: Just out. Had some lunch, just me, little quality time with me. Thanks for your jacket. Rachel: Oh, no problem. You can borrow it, by the way. Monica: Okay. Rachel: Mon, if uh you were at lunch alone, how come it cost you uh 53 dollars? Monica: You know what probably happened? Someone musta stolen my credit card. Rachel: And sorta just put the receipt back in your pocket? Monica: That is an excellent excellent question. That is excellent. Rachel: Monica, what is with you? Who'd you have lunch with? Monica: Judy. Rachel: Who? Monica: Julie. Rachel: What?! Monica: Jody! Rachel: You were with Julie? Monica: Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were...shopping. Rachel: Oh. Oh my God. Monica: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me. Rachel: Yeah, right.  Sure! Monica: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find out! Rachel: Oh, please, you wanted to get caught. Monica: That is not true! Rachel: Oh, so you just sort of happened to leave it in here? Monica: Did it ever occur to you that I might just be that stupid? Rachel: Ok, Monica. I just have to know one thing. Did you go with her to Bloomingdale's? Commercial Break Monica: Hi, Steve. Carol and Susan: Hey! Carol: How did we do? Phoebe: Oh, I tasted Ben's milk, and Ross freaked out. Ross: I did not freak out. Carol: Why'd you freak out? Ross: Because it's breast milk. It's gross. Carol: My breast milk is gross? Susan: This should be fun. Ross: No, no, Carol. There's nothing wrong with it. I just, I just don't think breast milk is for adults. Chandler: Of course the packaging does appeal to grown-ups and kids alike. Carol: Ross, you're being silly. I've tried it, it's no big deal. Just taste it. Ross: That would be no. Phoebe: Come on. It doesn't taste bad. Joey: Yeah, it's kinda sweet, sorta like, uh... Susan: Cantaloupe juice. Joey: Exactly. Ross: You've tasted it? You've tasted it. Susan: Uh huh. Ross: Oh, you've tasted it. Susan: You can keep saying it, but it won't stop being true. Ross: Chandler: Howdy. Joey: Gimme a box a juice. Well, they switched me over to Hombre. Chandler: Well, maybe it's because of the way you're dressed. Joey: Or maybe it's because this guy's doing so good they wanna put more people on it. You should see this guy, Chandler, he goes through two bottles a day. Chandler: What do you care? You're an actor. This is your day job. This isn't supposed to mean anything to you. Joey: I know, but, I was the best, you know? I liked being the best. I don't know. Maybe I should just get outta the game. They need guys up in housewares to serve cheese. Chandler: All right, say you do that. You know sooner or later somebody's gonna come along that slices a better cheddar. And then where're you gonna run? Joey: Yeah I guess you're right. Chandler: You're damn right I'm right. I say you show this guy what you're made of. I say you stand your ground. I say you show him that you are the baddest hombre west of the lingerie. Joey: I'm gonna do it. Chandler: All right. Now go see Miss Kitty and she'll fix you up with a nice hooker. Monica: I don't know what else to say. Rachel: Well that works out good, because I'm not listening. Monica: I feel terrible, I really do. Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife? Monica: Rachel, say that I'm friends with her, we spend some time together. Is that so terrible? Rachel: Yes. Monica: It's that terrible? Rachel: Yes. Monica, you don't get it. It's bad enough that she's stolen the guy who might actually be the person that I am supposed to be with, but now, she's actually , but now she's actually stealing you. Monica: Me? What are you talking about? Nobody could steal me from you. I mean, just because I'm friends with her doesn't make me any less friends with you. I mean, you're my...We're, we're...Oh, I love you. Rachel: I love you too. Phoebe: You guys, um I know that this really doesn't have anything to do with me, but um I love you guys too. Monica: Look, I know that you're in a place right now where you really need to hate Julie's guts, but she didn't do anything wrong. I mean, she was just a girl who met a guy, and now they go out. I really think that if you gave her a chance, you'd like her. Would you just give that a chance, for me? Rachel: I'd do anything for you, you know that. Monica: Phoebe: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Joey: Mornin'. I said, mornin'. Hombre Man: I heard ya. Store Guy: All right, everybody, I'm openin' the doors. You boys ready? Hombre Man: Ready. Joey: Yeah, I'm ready. Customer: You idiot, you stupid cowboy, you blinded me, I'm suing! Store Guy: Oh my god, Todd! What the hell did you do? Hombre Man: I'm sorry. I am such a doofus. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. Annabelle: My god, what happened? Joey: These new kids, they never last. Sooner or later, they all...stop lastin'. Listen, uh, what do you say I buy you that cup of coffee now? Annabelle: Sure. Julie: So. Rachel: So. I just thought the two of us should hang out for a bit. I mean, you know, we've never really talked. I guess you'd know that, being one of the two of us, though, right? Julie: I know, I probably shouldn't even tell you this, but I'm pretty much totally intimidated by you. Rachel: Really? Me? Julie: Yes. Oh my god, are you kidding? Ross is so crazy about you, and I really wanted you to like me, and, it's probably me being totally paranoid, but I kinda got the feeling that maybe you don't. Rachel: Well, you're not totally paranoid. Julie: Oy. Rachel: Um, ok, uh, oh god, um, when you and uh Ross first started going out, it was really hard for me, um, for many reasons, which I'm not gonna bore you with now, but um, I just, I see how happy he is, you know, and how good you guys are together, and um, Monica's always saying how nice you are, and god I hate it when she's right. Julie: Thanks. Hey, listen, would you like to go to a movie sometime or something? Rachel: Yeah, that'd be great. I'd love it. Julie: I'd love it too. Shoot, I gotta go. So, I'll talk to you later. Rachel: All right, Julie. Julie: Bye. Rachel: Bye. What a manipulative bitch. Closing Credits Ross: That's not bad. End Originally written by Michael Curtis and Greg Malins Trascribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen CHANDLER: Hey. MONICA: So how was Joan? CHANDLER: I broke up with her. CHANDLER: They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them. RACHEL: Come on, they were not that huge. CHANDLER: I'm tellin' you, she leaned back, I could see her brain. MONICA: How many perfectly fine women are you gonna reject over the most superficial insignificant things? JOEY: Hold it hold it. I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest Adam's apple. It made me nuts. CHANDLER: You or me? ROSS: I got it. Uh, Joey, women don't have Adam's apples. JOEY: You guys are messin' with me, right? ALL: Yeah. JOEY: That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, "whoa." PHOEBE: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason. CHANDLER: Maureen Rosilla. ROSS: Not hating Yanni is not a real reason. MONICA: Hello, Mr. Heckles. MR. HECKLES: You're doing it again. MONICA: We're not doing anything. MR. HECKLES: You're stomping. It's disturbing my birds. RACHEL: You don't have birds. MR. HECKLES: I could have birds. MONICA: Ok, Mr. Heckles, we'll try to keep it down. MR. HECKLES: Thank you. I'm going to rejoin my dinner party. RACHEL: All right, bye-bye. CHANDLER: Ok, Janice. Janice. You gotta give me Janice. That wasn't about being picky. ROSS: We'll give you Janice. PHOEBE: I miss Janice though. "Hello, Chandler Bing." RACHEL: "Oh, my, god." JOEY: "Oh, Chandler, now, now, that's it. There, faster!" MONICA: Stop with the broom, we're not making noise. RACHEL: We won. We won! MONICA: Mr. Heckles. RACHEL: How did this happen? MR. TREEGER: He musta been sweepin'. They found a broom in his hand. MONICA: That's terrible. MR. TREEGER: I know. I was sweepin' yesterday. It coulda been me.ROSS: Sure, sweepin'. You never know. MR. TREEGER: You never know. PHOEBE: Ok, it's very faint, but I can still sense him in the building. Go into the light, Mr. Heckles! CHANDLER: Ok, Phoebe. PHOEBE: I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help. That's fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know, there're a lot of things that I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean they're not true. JOEY: Such as? PHOEBE: Like crop circles, or the Bermuda triangle, or evolution? ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you don't, uh, you don't believe in evolution? PHOEBE: Nah. Not really. ROSS: You don't believe in evolution? PHOEBE: I don't know, it's just, you know...monkeys, Darwin, you know, it's a, it's a nice story, I just think it's a little too easy. ROSS: Too easy? Too...The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms, too easy? PHOEBE: Yeah, I just don't buy it. ROSS: Uh, excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity. PHOEBE: Ok, don't get me started on gravity. ROSS: You uh, you don't believe in gravity? PHOEBE: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just...I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed. CHANDLER: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed. MR. TREEGER: There she is. And over there, that's the other one. This is Mr. Buddy Boyle, Mr. Heckles' attorney. He'd like to talk to you. MONICA: What can we do for you? MR. BOYLE: All right, kids. Here's the deal. According to my client's will, he wants to leave all his earthly possessions to "the noisy girls in the apartment above mine". MONICA: Well, what about his family? MR. BOYLE: He didn't have any. RACHEL: Ok, so let's talk money. MR. BOYLE: All right, there was none. Let's talk signing. You be noisy girl number one, you be noisy girl number two. MONICA: I can't believe that this whole time we thought he hated us. I mean, isn't it amazing how much you can touch someone's life, without even knowing it?...Would you look at this dump? He hated us. This is his final revenge! RACHEL: Have you ever seen so much crap? CHANDLER: Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap JOEY: Check this out. Can I have this? ROSS: How can you not believe in evolution? PHOEBE: Just don't. Look at this funky shirt! ROSS: Pheebs, I have studied evolution my entire adult life. Ok, I can tell you, we have collected fossils from all over the world that actually show the evolution of different species, ok? You can literally see them evolving through time. PHOEBE: Really? You can actually see it? ROSS: You bet. In the U.S., China, Africa, all over. PHOEBE: See, I didn't know that. ROSS: Well, there you go. PHOEBE: Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why? CHANDLER: Hey, look at this. "My Big Book of Grievances." JOEY: Hey, there's me! April 17th. Excessive noise. Italian guy comes homes with a date. Hey Chandler, look, you're in here too. CHANDLER: April 18th, excessive noise. Italian guy's gay roommate comes home with the dry-cleaning. Well that's excellent. RACHEL: Monica, Monica, look at this lamp. Is this tacky or what? We have to have this. MONICA: Rache, I think we have enough regular lamps. RACHEL: What? Come on, it's not like I'm asking for this girly clock or anything, which, by the way, I also think is very cool. MONICA: It doesn't go with any of my stuff. RACHEL: Well, what about my stuff? MONICA: You don't have any stuff. RACHEL: You still think of it as your apartment, don't you? MONICA: No. RACHEL: Yes you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just somebody who rents a room. MONICA: Mmmmm. RACHEL: Ok, while you "mmm" on it for awhile, I'm gonna go find a place for my new lamp. ROSS: Ok, Pheebs. See how I'm making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs. Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs? PHOEBE: Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts. ROSS: Please tell me you're joking. PHOEBE: Look, can't we just say that you believe in something, and I don't. ROSS: No, no, Pheebs, we can't, ok, because-- PHOEBE: What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? I think, I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope. ROSS: Is there blood coming out of my ears? JOEY: Check it out, check it out. Heckles' high school yearbook. CHANDLER: Wow, he looks so normal. PHOEBE: He's even kind of cute. JOEY: "Heckles, you crack me up in science class. You're the funniest kid in school. CHANDLER: Funniest? Heckles? JOEY: That's what it says. CHANDLER: Wow, Heckles was voted class clown, and so was I. He was right. Would you listen to that? PHOEBE: I'd call that excessive. CHANDLER: Whoa! JOEY: What? CHANDLER: Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. And he was in the scale modeler's club, and I was, well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool. JOEY: So, you were both dorks. Big deal. CHANDLER: I just think it's weird, you know? Heckles and me, Heckles, and me, me and Heckles...Would you knock it off? JOEY: Have you been here all night? CHANDLER: Look at this. Pictures of all the women that Heckles went out with. Look what he wrote on them. Vivian, too tall. Madge, big gums. Too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats. This is, this is me. This is what I do. I'm gonna end up alone, just like he did. JOEY: Chandler, Heckles was a nut case. CHANDLER: Our trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction. JOEY: All right, you know what we gotta do? We gotta get you outta here. Come on, I'll buy you breakfast, let's go. CHANDLER: What if I never find someone? Or worse, what if I've found her, but I dumped her because she pronounced it "supposably"? JOEY: Chandler, come on, you're gonna find somebody. CHANDLER: How do you know that? How? JOEY: I don't know, I'm just tryin' to help you out. CHANDLER: You'll see, you guys are all gonna go off and get married, and I'm gonna end up alone. Will you promise me something? When you're married, will you invite me over for holidays? JOEY: Well, I don't know. I don't know what we're gonna be doin'. I mean, what if we're at her folks' place? CHANDLER: Yeah, I understand. JOEY: You can come over and watch the Super Bowl. Every year, all right? CHANDLER: You know what? I'm not gonna end up like this. I'll see you man. JOEY: Supposably. Supposably. Did they go to the zoo? Supposably. CHANDLER: Hi, it's me. JANICE: Oh, my, god. PHOEBE: Janice? You called Janice? CHANDLER: Yes, Janice. Why is that so difficult for you to comprehend? ROSS: You remember Janice, right? CHANDLER: Yes. She was smart, she was pretty, and she honestly cared about me. Janice is my last chance to have somebody. JANICE: Helloo!! CHANDLER: Oh, my, god! JOEY: Geez, look how fat she got. JANICE: Hey, it's everybody. CHANDLER: Janice, you're-- JANICE: Yes, I am. CHANDLER: Is it--? JANICE: Is it yours? Ha! You wish, Chandler Bing. You are looking at a married lady now. CHANDLER: Congratulations. JANICE: Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. CHANDLER: You couldn't have told me about this on the phone? JANICE: And what? Missed the expression on your face? Janice likes to have her fun. MONICA: Hey, Rache. You know what we haven't played in a while? RACHEL: What? MONICA: Hide the Lamp. RACHEL: Monica, let it go. MONICA: Did you know I was allergic to shellfish? RACHEL: Well, then, you'll just have to eat the other lamps. PHOEBE: Uh-oh. It's Scary Scientist Man. ROSS: Ok, Phoebe, this is it. In this briefcase I carry actual scientific facts. A briefcase of facts, if you will. Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old. PHOEBE: Ok, look, before you even start, I'm not denying evolution, ok, I'm just saying that it's one of the possibilities. ROSS: It's the only possibility, Phoebe. PHOEBE: Ok, Ross, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this? ROSS: There might be, a teeny, tiny, possibility. PHOEBE: I can't believe you caved. ROSS: What? PHOEBE: You just abandoned your whole belief system. I mean, before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you. How, how, how are you going to go into work tomorrow? How, how are you going to face the other science guys? How, how are you going to face yourself? Oh! That was fun. So who's hungry? RACHEL: I am. Let me just get my coat. MONICA: Ok, all right. It was an accident, I swear, all right. I was putting on my jacket, and the thing, and the lamp, and it broke. RACHEL: Oh, please, Monica. You've always hated my lamp, and then, all of a sudden, it's just magically broken? MONICA: Phoebe, tell her! PHOEBE: Ok, I didn't see it, because I was putting on my jacket, but I uh want to believe you. RACHEL: Hey Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp. CHANDLER: Neat. I'm gonna die alone. RACHEL: Ok, you win. MONICA: Chandler, you're not gonna die alone. CHANDLER: Janice was my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a snake. PHOEBE: Uh huh. Why is that? CHANDLER: If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, y=know. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout! MONICA: You have got to get over this. You're not gonna end up alone. CHANDLER: Of course I am. I reject anyone who's crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then I bitch about the fact that there aren't any great women out there. RACHEL: Chandler, you have just described virtually every man that we have ever gone out with. MONICA: You are not a freak. You're a guy. RACHEL: She's right. She's right. You are no different than the rest of them. MONICA: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes he is. You are totally different. CHANDLER: In a bad way? MONICA: No, honey, in a wonderful way. You know what you want now. Most guys don't even have a clue. You are ready to take risks, you are ready to be vulnerable, and intimate with someone. RACHEL: Yeah. You're not gonna end up alone. PHOEBE: Chandler, you called Janice! That's how much you wanted to be with someone! MONICA: You made it! PHOEBE: You're there! RACHEL: You are ready to make a commitment! CHANDLER: Whoa! Don't know about that. RACHEL: What you got there? Something else that's not yours that you can break? MONICA: No. Um, I know you like this, and I want you to have it. I think it'll look good in our apartment. RACHEL: Thank you. MONICA: That's fine. CHANDLER: Hey. Well, you will all be pleased to know that I have a date tomorrow night. This woman, Alison, from work. She's great. She's pretty, she's smart. And uh, I've been holding off on asking her out in the past, because she has an unusually large head. But, I'm not gonna let that stuff hang me up anymore. Look at me. I'm growing. JOEY: Hey, uh, you can't recycle yearbooks, can you? CHANDLER: I'll take that. JOEY: You want his yearbook? CHANDLER: Yeah, yeah. Some people said some nice things about him. I think somebody should have it. MONICA: Oh, gosh, this is so weird. I mean, his whole life was in this apartment, and now it's gone. You know, I think it would be nice if we just took a few moments, for Mr. Heckles. I mean, he was kind of a pain, he was, but, he was a person. You're all going to hell. RACHEL: It's really not that big! CHANDLER: Takin' that with you, huh? JOEY: Oh, yeah. ROSS: You comin'? CHANDLER: Yeah, jus' second. Good-bye Mr. Heckles. We'll try to keep it down. ALISON: Oh, my major was totally useless. I mean, how often do you look in the classifieds and see "Philosopher wanted"? CHANDLER: Sure. END Originally written by Alexa Junge Transcribed by Josh Hodge. ROSS: Good morning. OLD WOMAN: Well, somebody got some last night. ROSS: Twice. END Originally written by Chris Brown Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein. ROSS: Man, I sure miss Julie. CHANDLER: Spanish midgets. Spanish midgets wrestling. Julie. Ok, yes, I see how you got there. ROSS: You ever figure out what that thing's for? CHANDLER: No, see, I'm trying this new screening thing. You know, I figure if I'm always answering the phone, people'll think I don't have a life. My god, Rodrigo never gets pinned. : Here comes the beep, you know what to do. JADE: Hello, I'm looking for Bob. This is Jane. I don't know if you're still at this number, but I was just thinking about us, and how great it was, and, well, I know it's been three years, but, I was kinda hoping we could hook up again. I barely had t he nerve to make this call, so you know what I did? CHANDLER: What? JADE: I got a little drunk...and naked. CHANDLER: Bob here. CHANDLER: What've you been up to? JADE: Oh, you know, the usual, teaching aerobics, partying way too much. Oh, and in case you were wondering, those are my legs on the new James Bond poster. CHANDLER: Can you hold on a moment? I have another call. I love her. ROSS: I know. CHANDLER: I'm back. JADE: So, are we gonna get together or what? CHANDLER: Um, absolutely. Uh, how 'bout tomorrow afternoon? Do you know uh, Central Perk in the Village, say, five-ish? JADE: Great, I'll see you then. CHANDLER: Ok. Ok. Having a phone has finally paid off. ROSS: Even though you do do a good Bob impression, I'm thinkin' when she sees you tomorow, she's probably gonna realize, "hey, you're not Bob." CHANDLER: I'm hoping that when Bob doesn't show up, she will seek comfort in the open arms of the wry stranger at the next table. ROSS: Oh my god. You are pure evil. CHANDLER: Ok, pure evil, horny and alone. I've done this. ROSS: Yeah, yeah, everybody's here. Hey, everybody, say hi to Julie in New Mexico. ALL: Hi, Julie! RACHEL: Hi, Julie. CHANDLER: Ok, while Ross is on the phone, everybody owes me 62 bucks for his birthday. PHOEBE: Um, is, is there any chance that you're rounding up? You know, like from, like 20? CHANDLER: Hey, come on, we got the gift, the concert, and the cake. JOEY: Do we need a cake? CHANDLER: Look guys, I know it's a little steep. RACHEL: Yeah, whoosh! CHANDLER: But it's Ross. PHOEBE: It's Ross. JOEY: All right. CHANDLER: I'll see you guys later, I gotta go...do a thing. ROSS: Ok, sweetheart, I'll call you later tonight. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey, you're not really gonna go through with this, are you? CHANDLER: You know, I think I might just. RACHEL: So uh, what are you guys doing for dinner tonight? JOEY: Well I guess I gotta start savin' up for Ross's birthday, so I guess I'll just stay home and eat dust bunnies. PHOEBE: Can you believe how much this is gonna cost? RACHEL: Do you guys ever get the feeling that um, Chandler and those guys just don't get that we don't make as much money as they do? JOEY: Yes! Yeah, it's like they're always saying "let's go here, let's go there". Like we can afford to go here and there. PHOEBE: Yes, yes, and it's, and we always have to go to, you know, someplace nice, you know? God, and it's not like we can say anything about it, 'cause, like this birthday thing, it's for Ross. JOEY: For Ross. RACHEL: For Ross, Ross, Ross. MONICA: Oh my god. RACHEL: Hey. JOEY: Hi. RACHEL: What? MONICA: I'm at work, ordinary day, you know, chop chop chop, sauti, sauti, sauti. All of a sudden, Leon, the manager, calls me into his office. It turns out they fired the head lunch chef, and guess who got the job. JOEY: If it's not you, this is a horrible story. MONICA: Fortunately, it is me. And, they made me head of purchasing, thank you very much. Anyway, I just ran into Ross and Chandler downstairs, and they think we should go out and celebrate. You know, someplace nice. JOEY: Yeah, someplace nice. ROSS: I'm tellin' you. You can't do this. CHANDLER: Oh, come on. I can never get a girl like that with conventional methods. ROSS: That doesn't matter. She wanted to call Bob. Hey, for all we know, Bob is who she was meant to be with. You may be destroying two people's chance for happiness. CHANDLER: We don't know Bob, ok? We know me. We like me. Please let me be happy. ROSS: Go over there and tell that woman the truth. CHANDLER: All right. ROSS: Go. CHANDLER: Hi. JADE: Hi. CHANDLER: Listen, I have to, uh, um, I have to, I have to confess something. JADE: Yes? CHANDLER: Whoever stood you up is a jerk. JADE: How did you--? CHANDLER: I don't know. I just had this weird sense. You know, but that's me. I'm weird and sensitive. Tissue? JADE: Thanks. CHANDLER: No, you keep the pack. I'm all cried out today. ROSS: Ok, ok, here is to my sister, the newly-appointed head lunch chef-- MONICA: Who is also in charge of purchasing. ROSS: Newly appointed head lunch chef who is also in charge of purchasing-- MONICA: Who has her own little desk when Roland's not there. ROSS: Uh, lunch chef, purchasing, own little desk when Roland's not there. Here's to my little sister-- MONICA: Oh, wait, and I got a beeper! JOEY: Cool. PHOEBE: Let's see! ROSS: That's fine, I'll just wait! MONICA: Oh, sorry. JOEY: Sorry, sorry. ROSS: Monica! WAITER: Are we ready to order? RACHEL: Oh, you know what, we haven't even looked yet. WAITER: Well, when you do, just let me know. I'll be right over there on the edge of my seat. PHOEBE: Wow, look at these prices. RACHEL: Yeah, these are pretty ch-ching. JOEY: What are these, like famous chickens? CHANDLER: Hey, sorry I'm late. Congratulations, Mon. I'm not sorry I'm late. How incredible was my afternoon with Jade? ROSS: Well, pretty incredible according to the message she left you on my machine. Hey, Chandler, why is this woman leaving a message for you on my machine? CHANDLER: Oh, see, I had to tell her that my number was your number, because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number because she thinks that my number is Bob's number. ROSS: Hey, tell me again, what do I do when Mr. Roper calls? WAITER: Do I dare ask? MONICA: Yes, I will start with the carpaccio, and then I'll have the grilled prawns. ROSS: That sounds great. Same for me. WAITER: And for the gentleman? JOEY: Yeah, I'll have the Thai chicken pizza. But, hey, look, if I get it without the nuts and leeks and stuff, is it cheaper? WAITER: You'd think, wouldn't you? Miss? RACHEL: Ok, I will have the uh, side salad. WAITER: And what will that be on the side of? RACHEL: Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right here next to my water? WAITER: And for you? PHOEBE: Um, I'm gonna have a cup of the cucumber soup, and, um, take care. CHANDLER: I will have the uh, Cajun catfish. WAITER: Anything else? CHANDLER: Yes, how 'bout a verse of Killing Me Softly. You're gonna sneeze on my fish, aren't you? ROSS: Plus tip, divided by six. Ok, everyone owes 28 bucks. RACHEL: Um, everyone? ROSS: Oh, you're right, I'm sorry. JOEY: Thank you. ROSS: Monica's big night, she shouldn't pay. MONICA: Oh, thank you! ROSS: So five of us is, $33.50 apiece. PHOEBE: No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen. CHANDLER: Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback. PHOEBE: I'm sorry, Monica, I'm really happy you got promoted, but cold cucumber mush for thirty-something bucks? No! Rachel just had that, that, that salad, and, and Joey with his like teeny pizza! It's just... ROSS: Ok, Pheebs! How 'bout we'll each just pay for what we had. It's no big deal. PHOEBE: Not for you. MONICA: All right, what's goin' on? RACHEL: Ok, look you guys, I really don't want to get into this right now. I think it'll just make everyone uncomfortable. PHOEBE: Fine. All right, fine. JOEY: Yeah. CHANDLER: You can tell us. ROSS: Hello, it's us, all right? It'll be fine. JOEY: Ok, um, uh, we three feel like, that uh, sometimes you guys don't get that uh, we don't have as much money as you. MONICA: Ok. ROSS: I hear ya. CHANDLER: We can talk about that. PHOEBE: Well, then...Let's. ROSS: I, I just never think of money as an issue. RACHEL: That's 'cause you have it. ROSS: That's a good point. CHANDLER: So um, how come you guys haven't talked about this before? JOEY: 'Cause it's always somethin', you know, like Monica's new job, or the whole Ross's birthday hoopla. ROSS: Wha--? Whoa, hey, I don't want my birthday to be the source of any kind of negative--there's gonna be a hoopla? RACHEL: Basically, there's the thing, and then there's the stuff after the thing. MONICA: If it makes anybody feel better, then we can just forget the thing, and we'll just do the gift. ROSS: G-gift? The thing's not the gift? CHANDLER: No, the thing was, we were gonna go see Hootie and the Blowfish. ROSS: Hootie and the--oh my. I, I can catch them on the radio. PHOEBE: No, now I feel bad. You wanna go to the concert. ROSS: No, look, hey, it's my birthday, and the important thing is that we all be together. MONICA: All of us. CHANDLER: Together. ROSS: Not at the concert. RACHEL: Ok. JOEY: Yeah. RACHEL: Thank you. JOEY: Thanks. PHOEBE: Yeah. CHANDLER: So, the ebola virus. That's gotta suck, huh? CHANDLER: Gee, Monica, what's in the bag? MONICA: I don't know, Chandler. Let's take a look. PHOEBE: Oh, it's like a skit. MONICA: Why, it's dinner for six. 5 steaks, and an eggplant for Phoebe. ROSS: Whoo! PHOEBE: Cool. MONICA: Yeah, we switched meat suppliers at work, and the new guys gave me the steaks as sort of a thank-you. ROSS: But wait, there's more. Hey, Chandler, what is in the envelope? CHANDLER: By the way, this didn't seem so dorky in the hall. ROSS: Come on. CHANDLER: Why, it's six tickets to Hootie and the Blowfish! The Blowfish! MONICA: It's on us, all right, so don't worry. It's our treat. PHOEBE: So...Thank you. ROSS: Could you be less enthused? JOEY: Look, it's a nice gesture, it is. But it just feels like-- MONICA: Like? JOEY: Charity. MONICA: Charity? ROSS: We're just tryin' to do a nice thing here. RACHEL: Ross, you have to understand that your nice thing makes us feel this big. PHOEBE: Actually, it makes us feel that big. ROSS: I don't, I don't understand. I mean, you, it's like we can't win with you guys. CHANDLER: If you guys feel this big, maybe that's not our fault. Maybe that's just how you feel. JOEY: Oh, now you're tellin' us how you feel. RACHEL: Ok, we never shoulda talked about this. PHOEBE: I'm just gonna pass on the concert, 'cause I'm just not in a very Hootie place right now. RACHEL: Me neither. JOEY: Me too. MONICA: Guys, we bought the tickets. PHOEBE: Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff. CHANDLER: Why did you look at me when you said that? MONICA: Well, I guess now we can't go. RACHEL: What? Come on, you do what you want to do. Do we always have to do everything together? MONICA: You know what? You're right. PHOEBE: Fine. ROSS: Fine. JOEY: Fine. CHANDLER: Fine. RACHEL: Fine. MONICA: All right. We're gonna go. It's not for another six hours. We're gonna go then. ROSS: Chandler! CHANDLER: Yeah? ROSS: Geez! Are you ready? CHANDLER: Yeah. Just let me grab my jacket and tell you I had sex today. ROSS: Whoa! You had sex today? CHANDLER: Wow, it sounds even cooler when somebody else says it. I was awesome, ok? She was biting her lip to stop from screaming. ROSS: Wow. CHANDLER: Now I know it's been awhile, but I took it as a good sign. ROSS: Still doing the screening thing? CHANDLER: I had sex today. I never have to answer that phone again. MACHINE: Here comes the beep, you know what to do. JADE: Hey, Bob, it's Jade. Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I was really hurt when you didn't show up the other day, and just so you know, I ended up meeting a guy. CHANDLER: Bob here. JADE: Oh, hi. CHANDLER: So, uh, you met someone, huh? JADE: Yes, yes, I did. In fact, I had sex with him 2 hours ago. CHANDLER: So, uh, how was he? JADE: Eh. CHANDLER: Eh? JADE: Oh, Bob, he was nothing compared to you. I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming your name. CHANDLER: Well, that makes me feel so good. JADE: It was just so awkward and bumpy. ROSS: Bumpy? CHANDLER: Well, maybe he had some kind of uh, new, cool style, that you're not familiar with. And uh maybe you have to get used to it. JADE: Well there really wasn't much time to get used to it, you know what I mean? MONICA: You know what? I'm not gonna be able to enjoy this. ROSS: Yeah, I know, it's my birthday. We all should be here. CHANDLER: So, let's go. ROSS: Well maybe, you know, maybe we should stay for one song. CHANDLER: Yeah, I mean, it would be rude to them for us to leave now. MONICA: You know, the guys are probably having a great time. JOEY: Come on you guys, one more time. PHOEBE: Ok. One. JOEY: Nooo. MONICA: That was amazing! ROSS: Excellent, that was excellent. CHANDLER: I can't believe the guys missed this. ROSS: What guys? Oh, yeah. STEVE: Excuse me, you're Monica Geller aren't you? MONICA: Do I know you? STEVE: You used to be my babysitter. MONICA: Oh my god, little Stevie Fisher? How've you been? STEVE: Good, good, I'm a lawyer now. MONICA: You can't be a lawyer. You're eight. STEVE: Listen, it was nice to see you. I gotta run backstage. MONICA: Uh, wait, backstage? STEVE: Oh, yeah, my firm represents the band. ROSS: Ross. CHANDLER: Chandler. STEVE: How are you? Look, you guys wanna meet the group? Come on. So, are you one of the ones who fooled around with my dad? ROSS: Hey, you guys. RACHEL: Happy birthday. ROSS: Oh, thank you, thanks. So uh, how was your night last night? RACHEL: Oh, well, it pretty much sucked. How was yours? MONICA: Yeah, ours pretty much sucked, oh, but, I did run into little Stevie Fisher. Remember him? RACHEL: Oh yeah. I used to babysit him. Hey, how's his dad? MONICA: Uh, good. ROSS: Uh, aside from that, the whole evening was pretty much a bust. CHANDLER: Yeah, we really missed you guys. JOEY: Yeah, look, we were just saying, this whole thing is really stupid. PHOEBE: We just have to really, really, really, not let stuff like money get--is that a hickey? MONICA: No, I just, I fell down. RACHEL: On someone's lips? Where'd you get the hickey? MONICA: You know, a party, or-- RACHEL: What party? ROSS: It wasn't so much a party as...a gathering of people, with food, and music, and, and the band. JOEY: You partied with Hootie and the Blowfish? CHANDLER: Yes, apparently Stevie and the band are like this. RACHEL: Who gave you that hickey? MONICA: That would be the work of a Blowfish. RACHEL: Oh! PHOEBE: Oh! I can't believe it. I can't believe this. We're just like, sitting at home, trying to guess Joey's fingers, and you guys are out like partying and having fun, and you know, all, "hey, Blowfish, suck on my neck". ROSS: Look, don't blame us. You guys coulda been there, you know. RACHEL: What, as part of your poor friends outreach program? MONICA: It's work. CHANDLER: I don't know what to say. I'm sorry that we make more money than you. But we're not gonna feel guilty about it. We work really hard for it. JOEY: And we don't work hard? MONICA: Yeah, hi, it's Monica. I just got a page. CHANDLER: I'm just saying that sometimes we like to do stuff that costs a little more. JOEY: And you feel like we hold you back. CHANDLER: Yes. RACHEL: Oh! CHANDLER: No. MONICA: Leon, Leon. Shhh! Guys. Wait, I don't understand. Those steaks were just a gift from the meat vendor. That was not a kick back. I'll just replace them and we can forget the whole thing. What corporate policy? No. Yeah. All right. I just got fired. PHOEBE: Oh. WAITRESS: Here's your check. That'll be $4.12. JOEY: Let me get that. You got five bucks? MACHINE: Here comes the beep, you know what to do. JADE: Hi, it's me. Listen, Bob. I'm probably way out of line here. I mean, It has been 3 years, and you're probably seeing someone else now, but if we could just have one night together, just for old time's sake, one hot, steamy, wild night... END Originally written by Betsy Borns Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein. MONICA: Who da wenny-Benny boy? You the Wenny-wenny-Benny-Benny boy, yes. Don't cry. Don't cry. Why is he still crying? ROSS: Let me hold him for a sec. There. Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? PHOEBE: No, no, no. I'm sorry. It's "smelly cat, smel-ly cat". STEPHANIE: Smelly cat, smel-ly cat... PHOEBE: Better. Yeah. STEPHANIE: Yeah? PHOEBE: Yeah, much better. And you know what, don't feel bad, because it's a hard song. STEPHANIE: Yeah. PHOEBE: You wanna try it again? STEPHANIE: Yeah. From the top? PHOEBE: Ok, there is no top. That's the beauty of Smelly Cat. Um, why don't you just follow me? STEPHANIE: Ok. PHOEBE: Mmmm hmmm. TOGETHER: Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, it's not your fault. PHOEBE: That's too much. Sorry. END Originally written by Michael Borkow Transcribed by Josh Hodge ROSS: Wow, well uh, uh, actually, Julie's downstairs getting a cab, I just need the cat toy, did Monica say. . . What? Why, why are you looking at me like that? RACH: I don't know, I, I feel like I had a dream about you last night but I, I don't remember. ROSS: OK. Oh, oh, oh. RACH: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . . RACH: And ya know what, now I've got closure. END Originally written by Marta Kauffman and David Crane Trascribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein. RACH: Ross kissed me. MNCA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! RACH: It was unbelievable! MNCA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! PHOE: Ok, all right. We want to hear everything. Monica, get the wine and unplug the phone. Rachel, does this end well or do we need to get tissues? RACH: Oh, it ended very well. PHOE: Oh. MNCA: Do not start without me. Do not start without me. PHOE: Ok, all right, let's hear about the kiss. Was it like, was it like a soft brush against your lips? Or was it like a, you know, a "I gotta have you now" kind of thing? RACH: Well, at first it was really intense, you know. And then, oh, god, and then we just sort of sunk into it. PHOE: Ok, so, ok, was he holding you? Or was his hand like on your back? RACH: No, actually first they started on my waist. And then, they slid up, and then, they were in my hair. PHOE/MNCA: Ohhhh. ROSS: And, uh, and then I kissed her. JOEY: Tongue? ROSS: Yeah. JOEY: Cool. CHAN: All right, check out this bad boy. 12 megabytes of ram. 500 megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 b.p.s. PHOE: Wow. What are you gonna use it for? CHAN: Games and stuff. MNCA: There are no jobs. There are no jobs for me. JOEY: Wait, here's one. Uh, would you be willing to cook naked? MNCA: There's an ad for a naked chef? JOEY: No, but if you're willing to cook naked, then you might be willing to dance naked. And then... ROSS: Hi. PHOE: Hey, oh, so, um...how'd you make out last night? ROSS: That, that is funny. That is painfully funny. No, wait. Wait, yeah, that's just painful MNCA: Wait a minute. I thought last night was great. ROSS: Yeah, it was, but...I get home, ok, and I see Julie's saline solution on my night table. And I'm thinking to myself, oh my god, what the hell am I doing? I mean, here I am, I am with Julie, this incredible, great woman, who I care about and who cares about me, and I'm like, what, am I just gonna throw all that away? JOEY: You got all that from saline solution? MNCA: We are talking about Rachel here. You and Rachel. ROSS: Believe me, I've been dreaming about me and Rachel for ten years now. But now, I'm with Julie, so it's like me and Julie, me and Rachel, me and Julie, me and... ... Rachel. Rachel, Rachel. RACH: Hey, you. ROSS: How are you? RACH: Good. How are you? ROSS: Good. JULIE: Hi, honey. ROSS: Hi, Julie. Hi, Julie. Julie, um, how are you? JULIE: Good. ROSS: Good, so everybody's here. Everybody's good. So, were you gonna play something, Phoebe? PHOE: Oh, well, actually. ROSS: Play it. PHOE: Ok, all right. JOEY: Hey, Julie, I didn't know you wore lenses. JULIE: What? ROSS: Ssshh. PHOE: Ok, um, hi, hello, hi, ok, so, um, this is a song about a love triangle between three people that I made up. Um, it's called, um, "Two of Them Kissed Last Night". PHOE: There was a girl, we'll call her Betty, and a guy let's call him Neil. Now I can't stress this point too strongly, this story isn't real. Now our Neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside. Will Betty be the one who he loves truly? Or will it be the one who we'll call Ju...Loolie? He must decide, he must decide, even though I made him up, he must decide! RTST: This is a nice resume. Nice, nice, nice. Muy impressivo. MNCA: So, Mr. Rastatter, what exactly does this job entail? The ad wasn't too clear. RTST: Mockolate. MNCA: I'm sorry? RTST: Mockolate. It's a completely synthetic chocolate substitute. MNCA: Ohh. RTST: Go ahead. Try a piece. Yeah, we think that Mockolate is even better than chocolate. MNCA: All right. Mmm-mmm. RTST: Yeah? MNCA: I love how it crumbles. Now see, your chocolate doesn't do that. RTST: No, ma'am. Well, anyhoo, we should be getting our F.D.A. approval any day now, hopefully, in time for Thanksgiving. See, the way we look at it, chocolate already dominates most of your major food-preparation holidays: Easter, Christmas, what have you. MNCA: Mmm-mmm. RTST: But, we're thinking, given the right marketing, we can make Thanksgiving the Mockolate holiday. MNCA: Wow. RTST: Aren't you going to swallow that? MNCA: Just waiting for it to stop bubbling. RTST: Yeah, isn't that great? MNCA: Mmm. RTST: Well, anyhoo, um, we are looking for a couple of chefs who can create some Thanksgiving-themed recipes. You think you might be interested? MNCA: Abso......lutely. See, I love creating new recipes. I love Thanksgiving. And, well, now, I love Mockolate. RTST: Really? MNCA: Especially the after taste, you know, I'll tell ya, that'll last ya till Christmas. MNCA: How about Mockolate mousse? PHOE: It's not, it's not very Thanksgiving-y. MNCA: Ok, how about pilgrim Mockolate mousse? PHOE: What makes it pilgrim? MNCA: We'll put buckles on it. RACH: Hey. PHOE: Hey. MNCA: Hey. RACH: Did uh, Ross call? MNCA: No, I'm sorry. RACH: Why didn't he call? He's gonna stay with Julie, isn't he? He's gonna stay with her and she's going to be all, "Hi, I'm Julie, Ross picked me, and we're gonna to get married, have a lot of kids and dig up stuff together." PHOE: No offense, but that sounds nothing like her. ROSS: I don't know what to do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare. CHAN: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. Oh, no. Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight. JOEY: Hey, here's a thought, Ross. CHAN: Don't touch the computer. Don't ever touch the computer. JOEY: Ross, listen. I got two words for you. Threesome. CHAN: Ok, all right, look. Let's get logical about this, ok? We'll make a list. Rachel and Julie, pros and cons. Oh. We'll put their names in bold, with different fonts, and I can use different colors for each column. ROSS: Can't we just use a pen? CHAN: No, Amish boy. JOEY: Ok, let's start with the cons, 'cause they're more fun. All right, Rachel first. ROSS: I don't know. I mean, all right, I guess you can say she's a little spoiled sometimes. JOEY: You could say that. ROSS: And I guess, you know, sometimes, she's a little ditzy, you know. And I've seen her be a little too into her looks. Oh, and Julie and I, we have a lot in common 'cause we're both paleontologists, but Rachel's just a waitress. CHAN: Waitress. Got it. You guys wanna play Doom? Or we could keep doing this. What else? ROSS: I don't know. JOEY: Oh, her ankles are a little chubby. CHAN: Ok, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her? ROSS: She's not Rachel. MNCA: Ok, this is pumpkin pie with mockolate cookie crumb crust. This is mockolate cranberry cake, and these are mockolate chip cookies. Just like the Indians served. RACH: Oh my god. MNCA: Oh my god good? RACH: Oh my god, I can't believe you let me put this in my mouth. PHOE: Oh, oh sweet Lord! This is what evil must taste like! CHAN: I'm telling you this thing won't print. Yes, I pressed that button like 100 times. You know, for a hot line you are not so hot. What? What is that in the background? Are you watching Star Trek? JOEY: Hey, so how'd it go with Julie? Did you, did you break her heart? ROSS: Yes, it was horrible. She cried. I cried. She threw things, they hit me. Anyway, I did the right thing. CHAN: So, Spock actually hugs his father? RACH: Hey, do you guys have......hi. ROSS: Hi. RACH: Where you goin'? ROSS: I uh, I just got back from uh, from Julie's. RACH: Oh. ROSS: No, no, uh, it's not what you think. It's um the other thing. RACH: Well, what's the other thing, what do I think? ROSS: Well, uh. JOEY: He broke up with Julie. Well, go hug her, for god's sakes. RACH: Really? ROSS: Really. It's always been you, Rach. RACH: Oh, god. JOEY/CHAN: Ohhh. RACH: Oh, oh, this is good, this is really good. ROSS: I know, I know, it's, it's almost... What do you say we go take a walk, just us, not them? RACH: Let me get my coat. ROSS: Ok. No, hey, whoa, whoa, I'll get your coat. RACH: Ok, he's goin' to get my coat. He's goin' to get my coat. Oh my god, you guys. I can't believe this. This is unbelievable. What's that? CHAN: What? Nothing. RACH: What's that? What? I saw my name. What is it? CHAN: No, no, see? See? Hey, it's printing! RACH: Well what is it? Let me see. ROSS: Hey, someone order a coat? RACH: Ross, Chandler wrote something about me on his computer and he won't let me see. ROSS: He won't? He won't! Because, isn't that, isn't that the, the short story you were writing? CHAN: Yes, yes it is, short story, that I was writing. RACH: And I'm in it? Then let me read it. CHAN, JOEY, ROSS: No! RACH: Come on. JOEY: Hey, uh, why don't you read it to her? CHAN: "It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. 'Oh, look,' cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The end." ROSS: That's it? That's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the whole world. RACH: All right, you know what? This isn't funny anymore. There's something about me on that piece of paper and I want to see it. ROSS: No, you don't. RACH: All right, you know what, that's fine. If you guys want to be children about this, that's fine. I do not need to see it. RACH: What is this? Ross, what is this? CHAN: Good luck. ROSS: Ok, just, just remember how crazy I am about you, ok? RACH: Kind of ditzy? Too into her looks? Spoiled? ROSS: Now that's a little spoiled. He was supposed to type "little", the idiot. RACH: Just a waitress? ROSS: No, that, that was, I mean, as opposed to uh, the uh, ok. Is this over yet Rach? RACH: Oh! I do not have chubby ankles! ROSS: No, no, wait, ok, ok, look at the other side. Look at Julie's column. RACH: She is not Rachem. What the hell's a Rachem? Is that some stupid paleontology word that I wouldn't know because I'm just a waitress. ROSS: No, Rach, come on. Rach! Rach, no, no! She's not Rachel, she is, she is not, Ra--Rachel? CHAN: My diary! My diary, that's brilliant. I should have told her it was my diary, she never would have made me read her my diary. MNCA: You know, that's true. You'd be a great person to have around the day after an emergency. PHOE: I... I cannot believe Ross even made this list. What a dinkus. JOEY: Hey, cut him some slack. It was Chandler's idea. PHOE: What? MNCA: What? CHAN: Oh good, I was hoping that would come up. MNCA: This was your idea? PHOE: What were you thinking? CHAN: All right, let's get some perspective here, ok? These things, they happen for a reason. MNCA: Yeah. You! CHAN: All right, Pheebs, back me up here, ok? You believe in that karma crap, don't you? PHOE: Yeah, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle. ROSS: Rach! Whoops! Rach, hey, open up, please! RACH: When somebody does not buzz you in, Ross, that means go away. That doesn't mean please climb up the fire escape. ROSS: I just wanna read something. It's your pro list. RACH: Not interested. ROSS: Ok, ok, number one: The way you cry at game shows. Number two: how much you love your friends. Number three: the way you play with your hair when you're nervous. Number four: how brave you are for starting your life over. Number five: how great you are with Ben. ROSS: Number six: the way you smell. JOEY: Hey, Ross! What are you doin'? ROSS: Hey, Joey. You wanna open the window? JOEY: Oh, yeah, I do. CHAN: What are you doing out there? ROSS: I am, uh, I am... MNCA: Oh, you must be freezing. You know what you need? How about a nice steaming cup of hot Mockolate? ROSS: Rach, come on, open up. Rach, come on, come on, Rach. You got to give me another chance. RACH: No. ROSS: No? RACH: That's what I said. CHAN: Look, maybe we should go? RACH: No, you guys, you really don't have to go, we're done talking. ROSS: Rach, come on, look, I know how you must feel. RACH: No, you don't, Ross. Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you. ROSS: No, but, but I wanna be with you in spite of all those things. RACH: Oh, well, that's, that's mighty big of you, Ross. I said don't go! ROSS: You know what? You know what? If, things were the other way around, there's nothing you could put on a list that would ever make me not want to be with you. RACH: Well, then, I guess that's the difference between us. See, I'd never make a list. JOEY: Maybe a little longer. MNCA: Now, in some of these recipes, the quantities may seem just a little unusual, uh, like these coconut mockolate holiday nut bars. I've indicated four cups of coconut, and four cups of crushed nut, and only, uh, one tablespoon of mockolate. RTST: Doesn't matter. MNCA: What? RTST: Our FDA approval didn't come through. Something about laboratory rats. MNCA: Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. RTST: Yeah, well, anyhoo, here is your check. Thank you for all the trouble you went through. Um, listen, you didn't eat a lot of it while you were cooking, did you? MNCA: Well, uh, I ate some. RTST: Oh, some, that's fine. Some is fine. Some is not a lot. So, it doesn't burn when you pee, does it? MNCA: Hello? ROSS: Hi. RACH: Is that him again? Tell him I'd come to the phone, but my ankles are weighin' me down. MNCA: Listen, I... I don't think this is the best time. ROSS: Look, can, can you do something for me? MNCA: Sure, what? Ok, ok. Music? RADIO: The next one's dedicated to Rachel from Ross. Rachel, he wants you to know he's deeply sorry for what he did and he hopes you can find it in your heart to forgive him. RADIO: Uh, we've just gotten a call from Rachel, and she told us what Ross did. It's pretty appalling, and Ross, if you're listening, I don't wanna play your song anymore. Why don't we devote our time to a couple that stands a chance? Avery, Michelle's sorry she hit you with her car and she hopes you two will work it out. RTST: Hi, thanks for coming in again. MNCA: Oh, not at all. I have no morals and I need the cash. RTST: It's like I'm lookin' in a mirror. Anyway, they're called "fishtachios". They taste exactly like pistachios, but they're made primarily of reconstituted fish bits. Here, try one. You're not allergic to anything, are you? MNCA: Cat hair. RTST: Oh, sorry. END Originally written by Jeffrey Astroff and Mike Sikowitz Transcribed by Josh Hodge. Minor additions and adjustments by Dan SIlverstein. ROSS: Hey, Rach, you know what? I think, I think I know what'll make you feel better. How 'bout you make a list about me. RACHEL: Wha... forget it Ross, no, I am not gonna stand here and make a list of. . . ROSS: C'mon Rachel. RACHEL: OK, you're whiney, you are, you're obsessive, you are insecure, you're, you're gutless, you know, you don't ever, you don't just sort of seize the day, you know. You like me for what, a year, you didn't do anything about it. And, uh, oh, you wear too much of that gel in your hair. ROSS: See there, you uhh, alright, ya, you did what I said. RACHEL: Yeah, and you know what? You're right, I do feel better, thank you Ross. ROSS: Alright, alright, here's the chance. Monica give him cash, Rachel give him your earrings. Something, now, anything. MONICA: No, I will not cave. RACHEL: Yeah, I'm with Mon. ROSS: Alright, alright, you know how you say I never seize the day? Well, alright, even though he's your super, I'm seizing. MR. TREEGER: Oh wow, I didn't get you anything. Here's five back. ROSS: No no, no, that, that's your Christmas tip, alright. Oh, hey, do you think there's a chance you could fix that radiator now? MR. TREEGER: No can do, like I told the girl, I can't get a new knob until Thursday. MONICA: Ross. ROSS: Yeah. MONICA: JOEY: They're ribbed for your pleasure. END Written by Ira Ungerlieder. RACH: Joey, would you slow down? They're not gonna be sold out of papers at one o'clock in the morning. JOEY: I'm excited! I've never gotten reviewed before. MNCA: You were so amazing as the king. I was really impressed, I was. PHOE: Although, you know what? You might want to consider wearing underwear next time. Yeah, cause when you sat down on your throne you could kind of see your... royal subject. JOEY: Here it is, here it is. The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction was Joseph Tribbiani's disturbingly unskilled portrayal of the king. CHAN: OK, look, that is one guy's opinion, alright. Phoebs, read yours. PHOE: OK. The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction... CHAN: Does anyone have one from a different paper? Ross, read yours. ROSS: I don't want to. RACH: Joey, honey, they don't know what they're talking about. ROSS: Yeah. JOEY: Maybe they do. I've been doin' this ten years and I haven't gotten anywhere. There's gotta be a reason. ROSS: Oh c'mon. Maybe you're just, uhhh... paying your dues. JOEY: No, no, no, it.. it's too hard. It's not worth it. I quit. MNCA: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute. I believe this will change your mind. sucking. JOEY: When I was little, I wanted to be a veteranarian, but then I found out you had to put your hands into cows and stuff. ROSS: Hiiiiii. PHOE: Are... are you OK? ROSS: Yeah, yeah, just a tough day at work. A stegosaurus fell over and trapped a kid. Whoa, whoa, I know this jacket, this is, th--Fun Bobby's jacket! Where is he, what. He, he's here, isn't he? MNCA: Maybe. ROSS: Don't toy with me. FBOB: Geller! ROSS: Hey, Fun Bobby! FBOB: Hey. Whoa, hey, you've been working out, huh? ROSS: Not at all! I love this guy. Hey, I was so psyched to hear you're back with my sister! MNCA: You and me both. FBOB: Hey, so what'd I miss, what'd I miss, c'mon? PHOE: Oh, we were just trying to make Joey feel better. FBOB: Hey, do you need me to pick you up? JOEY: No, I'm alright man. Really. FBOB: No, I'm picking you up. JOEY: Hey no, seriously, I don't need you to pick me... Alright! It still works. FBOB: OK, now before I go, does anybody else need to be picked up? I'm still gonna go. MNCA: OK, I'll see you later babe. FBOB: Uh, public display of affection coming up. You can avert your eyes. FBOB: See ya. ALL: Bye! See you later! PHOE: Fun Bobby is so great. MNCA: Oh, isn't he? Oh, you know, I really think this time it may work with him. I mean, he just makes me feel so good and I've been feeling so lousy this last couple of months, no job, no boyfriend. Well, at least my cup is half full. PHOE: Half full of looooovvvvve. MNCA: And for our two-week anniversary, he's gonna take me to his cousin's cabin for the weekend. PHOE: Cabin of loooooovvvvve. RACH: We went through a lot of wine tonight, you guys. MNCA: Really? I only had two glasses. JOEY: I just had a glass. PHOE: Two. RACH: I had one glass. CHAN: I had about a mugful in this lovely 'I got boned at the Museum of Natural History' mug. RACH: OK, so that's... that's what, two bottles? And yet somehow we went through five? ROSS: Oooooh. JOEY: Ooooooh. MNCA: So what. So he drank a lot tonight. ROSS: Yeah but, you know, now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever seen Fun Bobby without a... a drink in his hand. PHOE: Yeah. Oh, OOOH, yeah, you know, did you notice how he always starts his stories with, um, OK, 'I was soooo wasted,' or, 'Oh, we were soooo bombed,' or, ummm, ooh, ooh, 'So I wake up, and I'm in this dumpster in Connecticut.' JOEY: Monica, have you ever been with him when he wasn't drinking? MNCA: Well, we just happen to go to alot of places where you might drink. I mean, how do you go to a wine tasting without having a drink? Or... or to a club, or to the... zoo. MNCA: Rach, does this have nonfat milk? RACH: Ehhhummmm, I don't know, why don't you taste it. MNCA: Mmmm, no. RACH: Oh well, too late, sorry, you already had some. FBOB: Whattaya say we make these, uh, coffees Irish? PHOE: Um, cake. RACH: Yeah, we're gonna... we're gonna get some cake. MNCA: You know what? It seems like you've been making an awful lot of stuff Irish lately. FBOB: Well, I would make them Belgian, but the waffles are hard to get into that flask. MNCA: Bobby. FBOB: Yeah, OK. MNCA: Look, maybe this is none of my business, or maybe it is, I don't know... but, uh, I'm kind of worried about you. FBOB: OK, look, this isn't the first time somebody's said something to me about this, but, I don't know... I always made excuses about it, like... uhhh... 'I'm just a social drinker,' or, 'C'mon, it's Flag Day.' MNCA: So, what are you saying now? FBOB: I guess I'm saying, I'll try and quit. I kinda like that you worry about me. PHOE: Sooo, what's goin' on, huh? FBOB: I am gonna try and quit drinking. PHOE: Ooohh, why? CHAN: Hey. JOEY: Hey. MNCA: Hey. PHOE: Hey. CHAN: Guess who's back in show business. PHOE: Ohh, ohh, Lorne Green? CHAN: No, no, Phoebs. You know why? Cause he's dead. PHOE: Oh, no. CHAN: OK, I guess this is gonna seem kinda bittersweet now, but... Joey, that's who. JOEY: Yeah, my agent just called me with an audition for Days of Our Lives! PHOE: Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme. CHAN: Hey, yeah... we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia. PHOE: Hey Rach, what time do you get off? We're all gonna do something tonight. RACH: Ummmm.... well, actually I'm already done, but I...I kinda got plans. MNCA: You have other friends? RACH: Yeah... I, uhh... I have a... I have a date. MNCA: What? JOEY: With a man? RACH: What? What is so strange about me having a date? JOEY: What about Ross? I mean, are you still mad at him cause he made that list about you? RACH: Noooo, no, I'm not mad at him. I'm.. I'm not really anything at him anymore. MNCA: What are you talking about? RACH: I don't know. Whatever I was feeling, I'm... not. PHOE: But you guys came so close. RACH: Oh, I know, I'm sorry you guys. You're just gonna have to get used to the fact that I will not be dating Ross. RACH: Here he is. Hi. Guys, this is Russ. RUSS: Hhhhiiiii. ESTL: Stop saying you're not talented, you're very talented. It's just with the bird dead and all, there's very little act left. Oh, honey, give me a break, will ya? Oooh, ooh, I'll talk to you later. ESTL: Well, there's my favorite client. So tell me darling, how was the audition? JOEY: Well, I think it went pretty well. I.. I got a callback for Thursday. ESTL: Joey, have you ever seen me ecstatic? JOEY: No. ESTL: Well, here it is. JOEY: OK, uh.... listen, there's something I want to talk to you about. The network casting lady... ESTL: Oh, isn't Lori a doll? JOEY: Oh yeah, yeah, she's great, but... I kinda got the feeling that she was sort of... coming on to me. And I definitely would get the part if I would've... you know... if I would have sent the Little General in. ESTL: Oh, I see. Well, I'm just gonna put in a call here and we'll find out what's goin' on and straighten it out. Yeah, you're gonna have to sleep with her. RACH: What's the matter? MNCA: It's Fun Bobby. RACH: What, isn't he sober? MNCA: Oh, he's sober alright. Just turns out that Fun Bobby was fun for a reason. RACH: Ohhh, OK. MNCA: Alright, here you go, sweetie. FBOB: Thanks. You wanna hear something funny? MNCA: Oh God, yes! FBOB: There are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village. PHOE: That is funny. FBOB: I needed to buy a hammer the other night, and I'm out walkin' around the neighborhood but apparently there are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village. MNCA: Ahhh, hey honey? Don't you have to be at your interview now? FBOB: Oh yeah. See you guys. CHAN: Bye..... ridiculously dull Bobby. MNCA: Oh.... my... God. PHOE: It's not that bad. MNCA: Not that bad? Did you hear the hammer story? PHOE: OK, OK, don't get all squinky. RACH: Maybe it was just the kind of story where you have to be there. MNCA: But I'm gonna be there... for the rest of my life. I mean, I can't break up with him. I'm the one who made him quit drinking. He's dull because of me. PHOE: Alright, don't say that. He's probably always been dull. You just, you know, set it free. RUSS: Hi. CHAN: Hey Ross.... bahhhh! RACH: Hi Russ, I've just got two more tables to clean and then we'll go, OK? RUSS: OK, I'll just sit here and... uh... chat with your, uh.... friend-type....people. PHOE: Rachel? Um, hi. RACH: Hi. PHOE: OK, so, you know what you're doing, right? RACH: Uhh.... waitressing? PHOE: Well, yeah, but... no. I mean, umm... doesn't.... doesn't Russ just remind you of someone? RACH: Huh, Bob Saget? PHOE: Oh, yeah! No, no, no, no, oh, oh. PHOE: Oh, my, oh! ROSS: What? What's wrong? PHOE: I, OK.... MNCA: She's just upset because she, uh, she buttered a spider into her toast this morning. ROSS: Alright. CHAN: Ross, Russ. Russ, Ross. RUSS: Hi. ROSS: Hi. RUSS: Are you a, uh, friend of Rachel's? ROSS: Yes, yes I am. Are you a, uh, a friend of Rachel's? RUSS: Actually, I'm a... kind of a.... you know, a... date-type... thing... of Rachel's. ROSS: A date. RUSS: Yeah, I'm her date. ROSS: Oh, oh, you're... uh... you're, oh you're the date. CHAN: You know, this is actually good, because if we ever lose Ross, we have a spare. RUSS: Oh, you are the, uh... paleontologist. ROSS: Yes, yes I am. And you are a.... RUSS: Periodontist. MNCA: See? They're as different as night and... later that night. ROSS: Well, I am going to, uh... get a beverage. It was nice, nice... uh... meeting you. RUSS: Ditto. ROSS: I, uh, well... I... I met Russ. RACH: Oh. ROSS: Hey, I didn't know we were, uh, seeing other people. RACH: Well, we're not seeing each other, so.... ROSS: Well, uh, for your information, there's a woman at the museum, who's curator of moths and other... uh... winged things... who's, uh, let it be known that she is drawn to me much like a... well, you know. But so far I've been keeping her at bay, but, uh, if this is the deal... RACH: Well, yeah, this is the deal. ROSS: OK, well, um, have a nice evening. RACH: Um, Russ, you ready? RUSS: Yeah. RACH: Bye. MNCA: Bye. PHOE: Bye. ROSS: She's dating. She's dating. CHAN: Yes, yes, but did you see who she was dating? ROSS: What do you mean? MNCA: Do you not see it? ROSS: See what? I don't know what she sees in... innn that goober. And it takes him, what? Like... like... I don't know, uhh... uhhh, hello.... a... week, to get out a sentence. CHAN: Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it? ROSS: ....................Yeah. CHAN: Hey. JOEY: Hey. CHAN: Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part, or... uh, Italy called and said it was hungry. JOEY: Well, the part's mine if I want it. CHAN: Oh my God! JOEY: Yeah, if I'm willing to sleep with the casting lady. CHAN: Oh my... God? JOEY: Ten years I've been waiting for a break like this Chandler, ten years! I mean, Days of Our Lives. That's actually on television. CHAN: So, what're you gonna do? JOEY: Well, I guess I could sleep with her... I mean, how could I do that? CHAN: Well, I... I've got a pop-up book that told me everything I need to know. JOEY: I've never slept with someone for a part. CHAN: Well is she... JOEY: Sorry. CHAN: It's alright. Is she good-looking? JOEY: Yeah, she's totally good looking. I mean, if I met her in a bar, or something, I'd be buying her breakfast. You know, after having slept with her. CHAN: Y'know, maybe this isn't such a big deal. Y'know, I mean, the way that I see it is you get a great job and you get to have sex. Y'know, I mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy and you've got Christmas. JOEY: I just... I just don't think that I want it that way though, y'know? I mean, let's say I do make it, alright? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of.. y'know, the Little General. CHAN: Didn't you used to call it the Little Major? JOEY: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it. WAITER: Can I get you something from the bar? MNCA: Yes, I would like something. No, no thank you. FBOB: If... if you want to drink, it's OK with me, I've got to get used to it. MNCA: No, no really. I.. I wouldn't feel right about it. Just some water. FBOB: So the light went out in my refrigerator... MNCA: I'd like a scotch on the rocks with a twist. CHAN: Hey, we're having some fun now, huh, Ross? Wanna do another one, huh Russ? OK... eleven letters, atomic element number 101... ends in ium. RUSS: Dysprosium. ROSS: Dysprosium? Try mendelevium. CHAN: And weenie number two has it. Unless, of course, nine-down, Knights in White Satin was sung by the Doody Blues. PHOE: You don't see it? You actually don't see it? RACH: What? PHOE: OK honey, you're dating Ross. RACH: No, Phoebs. I'm dating Russ. PHOE: Russ is Ross. Russ... Ross! RACH: Steve... sleeve! PHOE: OK, noone is named Sleeve. RACH: Phoebe, what the hell are you talking about? Other than their names being similar, I'm sorry, I do not see what you're seeing. ROSS: For your information, it's a card sharp, not a card shark. RUSS: You could not be more wrong. You could try... but you would not be successful. CHAN: OK, I'm gonna get some more coffee before the pinching and eye-poking begins. RUSS: I know what your problem is. ROSS: Oh you do, do you? RUSS: Um-hum, you're jealous. ROSS: Of... of what? RUSS: You're jealous because I'm a real doctor. ROSS: Hey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the smallest body part you can major in. It's like day one, floss. Day two, here's your diploma. RUSS: Hey, you listen. ROSS: No, no, let me finish. RUSS: No, let me finish. ROSS: No, you let me fini... ROSS: Hi. RUSS: Hi. RACH: Ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww! RACH: Did Joey say what he was gonna go when he left? CHAN: No, I don't even think he knew. Hey, would you sleep with somebody to get a great job? RACH: I don't know. Who would I have to sleep with? CHAN: Me. RACH: Why would I have to sleep with you? CHAN: It's my game. You want the job or not? CHAN: Hey. MNCA: Morning. ROSS: Where ya goin'? MNCA: Bobby and I are going away for the weekend, remember? ROSS: Ooooohhhh. PHOE: What's with all the bottles of liquor? ROSS: What's going on, is... uh, Bobby drinking again? MNCA: Oh no no, this is not for him, this is for me. That way he's still sober but I find his stories about shoelaces much more amusing. RACH: Oh God, even his knock is boring. MNCA: Hi. I'll be ready in just a second. FBOB: Uh, can I talk to you a minute? MNCA: Sure. FBOB: This is really hard for me to say. MNCA: Oh God, you fell off the wagon. FBOB: Oh, no, no, it's about you. MNCA: What about me? FBOB: I think you may have a drinking problem. MNCA: What these? Oh, these are, um, for.. cuts and scrapes. FBOB: Look, I am just not strong enough to be in a codependent relationship right now, OK? MNCA: Oh... shoot. FBOB: Well, anyway, I hope we can be friends. MNCA: OK. MNCA: Take care. FBOB: You too. RACH: What happened? MNCA: Well we... we kinda broke up. GANG: Awwwwwwww. MNCA: Does anybody want these? CHAN: I'll take one. Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this and pretend I'm a giant. JOEY: Hey. GANG: Hey! ROSS: How'd the callback go? JOEY: It was unbelievable! I walked in there and she was all over me. CHAN: So what'd you do? JOEY: Well, I couldn't do it. I told her I didn't want to get the part that way. ROSS: Good for you. JOEY: But wait, wait, wait. Then, after I left her office, she caught up with me at the elevator and offered me an even bigger part. PHOE: So... and? JOEY: Soooooo... you are now looking at Dr. Drake Ramore, neurosurgeon, recurring in at least four episodes! GANG: Allright! JOEY: Alright... I've got to go shower. Credits RUSS: Hi. CHAN: Oh, hey. PHOE: Hi. RUSS: I guess you guys heard, Rachel dumped me. CHAN: Yeah, I'm sorry man. RUSS: Oh, all she said was that I remind her too much of somebody. You have any idea who she's talking about? PHOE: Oh I do, it's.... it's Bob Saget. She hates him. RUSS: Oh. JULIE: Hey. CHAN: Hey! PHOE: Hey, Julie! Hey, how are you doing? JULIE: Um, oh, I don't know. I mean, it's definitely weird not being with Ross, but I guess I'm doing OK. Actually I've got some of his stuff that he, um.... END Originally written by Doty Abrams Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips ROSS: Ok. Here's his diaper bag, and his uh, Mr. Winky, and uh...oh, him. Hi! CAROL: So how did everything go? ROSS: Oh, great. Great. There was a projectile, uh, throwing up incident, but he started it. CAROL: Well, we've gotta go. ROSS: Ok. SUSAN: CAROL: Oh, right. Um, I've got some news. It's about us. ROSS: Oh, you and me? CAROL: Uh, no, Susan and me. SUSAN: The other us. ROSS: Ok. CAROL: We're uh, we're getting married. ROSS: As in, "I now pronounce you wife and wife" married? CAROL: Anyway, we'd like you to come, but we totally understand if you don't want to. ROSS: Why wouldn't I want to come? I had fun at the first wedding. CAROL: Look I just thought that... ROSS: No no no, I mean, hey, why shouldn't I be happy for you? What would it say about me if I couldn't revel in your joy? I'm revelling baby, believe me! SUSAN: Is your finger caught in that chair? ROSS: Mmm hmmm. CAROL: Want us to go? ROSS: Uh-huh. ROSS: This is so cool. You're actually gonna be on television. JOEY: It really hit me last night. I'm gonna be on Days of our Lives. And then I started thinkin' about all of u, and how these are the days of our lives.. MONICA: Yes! Carol and Susan's caterer had a mountain bike accident this weekend, and she's in a full body cast. ROSS, CHANDLER & JOEY: Yes! MONICA: They want me to do it, which is really cool, seeing as I've never catered before, and I really need the money, and this isn't a problem for you, is it? ROSS: Would it matter? MONICA: Oh, you are so great! Thank you! JOEY: Are you really not going? ROSS: I am really not going. I don't get it. They already live together, why do they need to get married? MONICA: They love each other, and they wanna celebrate that love with the people that are close with them. ROSS: If you wanna call that a reason. CHANDLER: Who's the bitterest man in the living room, the bitterest man in the living room? Hi, neighbor. MONICA: Ross, I thought you were over this. ROSS: Look, that has nothing to do with this, ok? She's my ex-wife. If she were marrying a guy, none of you'd expect me to be there. JOEY: Hey, if she were marrying a guy, she'd be like the worst lesbian ever. RACHEL: Did I miss it? Did I miss it? JOEY: No, I'm on right after this guy shoots himself. CHANDLER: Whoa, she's pretty. JOEY: Yeah, and she's really nice too. She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting. RACHEL: I'm sorry, what? MONICA: What? JOEY: It's like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. So while you're thinkin' of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this. CHANDLER: Oh, ok. JOEY: There's my scene, there's my scene. "Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon. MRS. WALLACE: Is she gonna be all right? JOEY: I'm afraid the situation is much worse than we expected. Your sister is suffering from a..subcranial hematoma. Perhaps we can discuss this over coffee. CHANDLER: Nice! RACHEL: That's great! ROSS: Excellent! CHANDLER: For a minute there I thought you were actually tryin' to smell something. ROSS: That is so good! Do it again! JOEY: All right, all right. "Damnit Braverman, it's right there on the chart!" CHANDLER: That's great. All right, I gotta get to work, I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect. ROSS: No no, that's me. CHANDLER: Oh, yeah. ROSS: Oh, hello. PHOEBE: Oh, thanks. I couldn't uh... ROSS: Is everything ok? PHOEBE: Um, no, huh-uh. One of my clients died on the massage table today. ROSS: Oh my god. CHANDLER: That's a little more relaxed than you want them to get. PHOEBE: Yeah, um, she was 82 years old. Her name was um, Mrs. Adelman. MONICA: Oh, honey. PHOEBE: Yeah, it's just so strange. I mean, she probably woke up today and thought, "ok, I'll have some breakfast, and then I'll take a little walk, and then I'll have my massage." Little did she know God was thinking, "Ok, but that's it." Oh, but the weirdest thing was, ok, I was cleansing her aura when she died, and when the spirit left her body, I don't think it went very far. RACHEL: What do you mean? PHOEBE: I think it went into me. MONICA: God, this is so hard. I can't decide between lamb or duck. CHANDLER: Well, of course, lambs are scarier. Otherwise the movie would've been called Silence of the Ducks. RACHEL: Ok, who ordered what? ROSS: Oh, I believe I had the half-drunk cappuccino with the lipstick on the rim. CHANDLER: Yes, and this with the cigarette butt in it, is that decaf? RACHEL: Oh god. JOEY: I can't believe you're so uptight about your mom comin'. RACHEL: I know, but it's just it's the first time, and I just don't want her to think that because I didn't marry Barry, that my life is total crap, you know? PHOEBE: Talk about crap. Try listening to Stella Niedman tell the story of her and Rod Steiger for the hundredth time. JOEY: Uh, Pheebs, how long do you think this lady'll be with us? PHOEBE: I don't know. I mean, she obviously has some kind of unfinished business. Sit up! MRS. GREEN: There she is. RACHEL: Mom! MRS GREEN: Sweetie! So this is where you work? Oh, it's wonderful! Is it a living room? Is it a restaurant? Who can tell? But I guess that's the fun. RACHEL: Pretty much. MRS GREEN: Monica! You look gorgeous! Last time I saw you, it was eat or be eaten. RACHEL: This is Joey, and Phoebe, and this is Chandler, and you remember Ross. MRS GREEN: Oh hello, Ross. ROSS: Hi, Mrs. Green. MRS GREEN: So, what do you think of my daughter in the apron with the big job? RACHEL: Oh Mom! MRS GREEN: If you didn't pour the coffee, no one would have anything to drink. CHANDLER: Believe me, sometimes that happens. MRS GREEN: This is just so exciting. You know, I never worked. I went straight from my father's house to the sorority house to my husband's house. I am just so proud of you. RACHEL: Really? MRS GREEN: Yes. PHOEBE: I know who it is you remind me of. Evelyn Dermer. 'Course, that's before she got the lousy face lift. Now she looks like Soupy Sales. JOEY: Pheebs, who's Evelyn Dermer? PHOEBE: I don't know. Who's Soupy Sales? [at Rachel and Monica's MRS GREEN: Oh my god, there's an unattractive nude man playing the cello. RACHEL: Yeah, well just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument. MRS GREEN: You have some life here, sweetie. RACHEL: I know. And Mom, I realize you and Daddy were upset when I didn't marry Barry and get the big house in the suburbs with all the security and everything, but this is just so much better for me, you know? MRS GREEN: I do. You didn't love Barry. And I've never seen you this happy. I look at you and I think, oh, this is what I want. RACHEL: For...me. MRS GREEN: Well, not just for you. RACHEL: Well, what do you mean? MRS GREEN: I'm uh, considering leaving your father. MONICA: All right. Tell me if this is too cute. Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts. RACHEL: Oh god. I think I'm gonna be sick. MONICA: Why? It's not like I'm putting little nipples on them. ROSS: And you had no idea they weren't getting along? RACHEL: None. JOEY: They didn't fight a lot? RACHEL: No! They didn't even talk to each other. God, how was I supposed to know they were having problems? PHOEBE: In my day, divorce was not an option. JOEY: Hey, look who's up. RACHEL: I just can't believe this is happening. I mean, when I was little, everybody's parents were getting divorced. I just figured as a grownup I wouldn't have to worry about this. MONICA: Is there any chance that you can look at this as flattering? I mean, she's doing it because she wants to be more like you. RACHEL: Well, then, you know, couldn't she have just copied my haircut? CHANDLER: You know, it's funny when my parents got divorced, they sent me to this shrink, and she told me that all kids have a tendency to blame themselves. But in your case it's actually kinda true. PHOEBE: That's him. CHANDLER: Damn. My mail order grandfather hasn't come yet. MR A: Phoebe? PHOEBE: Yes, hi, Mr. Adelman. Thanks for meeting me. MR A: Oh, that's all right, although you did cut into my busy day of sitting. PHOEBE: Um, do you wanna sit? MR A: Oh, no, please, I spent most of mid-morning trying to stand up. Now uh, what can I do for you, my dear? PHOEBE: I don't know how to say this, but I think when your wife's spirit left her body, it um, kind of stuck around in me. MR A: You're saying, my wife is in you? PHOEBE: Yeah. Ok, you don't have to believe me but um, can you think of any unfinished business she might have had, like any reason she'd be hanging around? MR A: Well, I don't know what to tell you dear. The only thing I can think of is that she always used to say that before she died, she wanted to see everything. PHOEBE: Everything? MR A: Everything. PHOEBE: Whoa, that's a lot of stuff. MR A: Oh, wait, I remember, she also said she wanted to sleep with me one last time. PHOEBE: I'm sorry, there's laughing in my head. MR A: Worth a shot, huh? MRS GREEN: Look at this. RACHEL: These are from Halloween three years ago. MRS GREEN: Oh, look, here's Barry. Did he have to come straight from the office? RACHEL: No, that was his costume. See, he's actually an orthodontist, but he came as a regular dentist. MONICA: Um, you guys, you know when I said before, "thank you, but I don't really need your help"? RACHEL: Actually, what I think you said was, "don't touch that, and get the hell out of my kitchen." MONICA: Really? Weird. Anyway, see, I planned everything really well. I planned and I planned and I planned. It just turns out, I don't think I planned enough time to actually do it. RACHEL: Hey, Mon, you want some help? MONICA: If you want. PHOEBE: Hey. What a day. I took her everywhere. The Museum of Modern Art, Rockefeller Center, Statue of Liberty. RACHEL: She's still with you? PHOEBE: Yeah. I guess she hasn't seen everything yet. I'll be right back, she has to go to the bathroom again. Oh, such a pretty face. MRS GREEN: This is so much fun, just the girls. You know what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana? RACHEL: God! MONICA: All right, look, nobody's smoking pot around all this food. MRS GREEN: That's fine. I never did it. I just thought I might. So, what's new in sex? RACHEL: Oh! What's new in sex? MRS GREEN: The only man I've ever been with is your father. MONICA: I'm dicing, I'm dicing, I don't hear anything. MRS GREEN: I mean, this is no offense to your dad, sweetie, but I was thinking there might be more. RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry. You know what? I cannot have this conversation with you. I mean, god, you just come in here, and drop this bomb on me, before you even tell Daddy. What? What do you want? Do you want my blessing? MRS GREEN: No. RACHEL: You want me to talk you out of it? MRS GREEN: No. RACHEL: Then what? What do you want? MRS GREEN: I guess I just figured of all people you would understand this. RACHEL: Why on earth would I understand this? MRS GREEN: You didn't marry your Barry. I did. RACHEL: Oh. MONICA: All right people, we're in trouble here. We've only got 12 hours and 36 minutes left. Move, move, move! CHANDLER: Monica, I feel like you should have German subtitles. MONICA: Joey, speed it up! JOEY: I'm sorry, it's the pigs. they're reluctant to get in the blankets! PHOEBE: Monica, how did this happen? I thought you had this all planned out. MONICA: Do you want me to cry? Is that what you want? Do you wanna see me cry? PHOEBE: Sir! No sir! MONICA: All right, you! ROSS: No. Look, I told you I am not a part of this thing. MONICA: All right, look, Ross. I realize that you have issues with Carol and Susan, and I feel for you, I do. But if you don't help me cook, I'm gonna take a bunch of those little hot dogs, and I'm gonna create a new appetizer called "pigs in Ross". All right, ball the melon. CHANDLER: Hey! How come I'm stuck dicing, when he gets to ball the melon. MONICA: Hi. CAROL: How's it going? MONICA: It's goin' great. Right on schedule. Got my little happy helpers. CAROL: Fine, whatever. ROSS: What's the matter? CAROL: Nothing. Ok, everything. I think we're calling off the wedding. ROSS: What? MONICA: You're still gonna pay me, right? Or something a little less selfish. ROSS: Carol, what's the matter? What happened? CAROL: My parents called this afternoon to say they weren't coming. ROSS: Oh my god. CAROL: I mean, I knew they were having trouble with this whole thing, but they're my parents. They're supposed to give me away and everything. ROSS: It's ok. I'm sorry. CAROL: And then Susan and I got in this big fight because I said maybe we should call off the wedding, and she said we weren't doing it for them, we were doing it for us, and if I couldn't see that, then maybe we should call off the wedding. I don't know what to do. ROSS: I uh can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I think Susan's right. CAROL: You do? ROSS: Look, do you love her? And you don't have to be too emphatic about this. CAROL: Of course I do. ROSS: Well then that's it. And if George and Adelaide can't accept that, then the hell with them. Look, if my parents didn't want me to marry you, no way that would have stopped me. Look, this is your wedding. Do it. CAROL: You're right. Of course you're right. MONICA: So we're back on? CAROL: We're back on. MONICA: You heard the woman. Peel, chop, devil! I can't believe I lost 2 minutes. JOEY: It just seems so futile, you know ? All these women, and nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly. CHANDLER: Well now you understand how I feel every single day, ok? The world is my lesbian wedding. PHOEBE: Butterscotch? No one? All right, you'll be sorry later. CAROL: Thank you. ROSS: Any time. CAROL: Ross. MINISTER: You know, nothing makes God happier than when two people, any two people, come together in love. Friends, family, we're gathered here today to join Carol and Susan in holy matrimony. PHOEBE: Whoa, she's gone. She's gone. She's gone! Go ahead, get married. Go, go. MONICA: Would you look at them? ROSS: Yeah, can't help but. JOEY: I wrapped those bad boys. PHOEBE: I miss Rose. CHANDLER: Oh, yeah? PHOEBE: I know it's kind of weird, but I mean, she was a big part of my life there, you know, and now I just feel kind of alone. WOMAN: You know, I uh, I couldn't help but overhear what you just said, and I think it's time for you to forget about Rose, move on with your life...how 'bout we go get you a drink? PHOEBE: Ok, that's so nice. CHANDLER: RACHEL: Hey, Mom? Having fun? MRS GREEN: Oh, am I! I just danced with a wonderfully large woman. And three other girls made eyes at me over the buffet. Oh, I'm not saying it's something I wanna pursue, but it's nice to know I have options. RACHEL: There's more alcohol, right? SUSAN: How you doin'? ROSS: Ok. SUSAN: You did a good thing today. ROSS: Yeah. SUSAN: You wanna dance? ROSS: No, that's fine. SUSAN: Come on. I'll let you lead. ROSS: Ok. CHANDLER: MONICA: Ok, which one of us do you think is gonna be the first one to get married? ROSS: Well, Mon, I was married. PHOEBE: Yeah, me, too, technically. RACHEL: I had a wedding. MONICA: All right, just trying to start an interesting discussion. JOEY: I got one. Which one of us do you think will be the last to get married? CHANDLER: Isn't Ben in this? ALL: Oh, yeah! END Originally written by Alexa Junge. Trascribed by Josh Hodge. NOTE: For this episode, I'm using italics to signify portions contained in the prom video. END Originally written by Transcribed by Joshua Hodge ROSS: OK, my hands were no where near your butt. RACHEL: I know, I know, I know, I know. I was just thinking about when they were there the last time, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. OK, OK, look, woah, I promise, I'm good, I'm not gonna laugh anymore. OK put your hands back there. ROSS: No see now, now I can't because uh, I'm feeling too self conscious. RACHEL: Just one cheek. ROSS: Nuh, uh, the moment's gone. RACHEL: Alright, just put your hands out and I'll back up into them. ROSS: That's romantic. RACHEL: C'mon touch it. ROSS: No. RACHEL: Oh, come on squeeze it. ROSS: No. RACHEL: Rub it. ROSS: No. RACHEL: Oh, come on, would you just grab my ass. ROSS: Sorry. RACHEL: Ah, so what are we looking at? ROSS: Well uh, you see that, that little cluster of stars next to the big one? That is Ursa Major. RACHEL: Really? ROSS: I've no idea, could be. Listen, I'm sorry I had to work tonight. RACHEL: Oh it's OK. You were worth the wait, and I don't just mean tonight. Oh it's not warm yet, we still have time. JOEY: Cool. END Originally written by Betsy Bornes Transcribed by Joshua Hodge. Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein. JOEY: Listen, uh, I don't know when I'm gonna see you again. CHANDLER: Well, I'm guessing uh, tonight at the coffee house. JOEY: Right, yeah. OK. Um, take care. CHANDLER: Yeah. CLOSING CREDITS END Originally written by Adam Chase. Transcribed by Joshua Hodge. And you're no friend to those with noses. PHOEBE: Uh, Ross, those are the only lines we have, sorry. OK, you guys, once more. END Originally written by ???. ROSS: Hey. RICHARD: Hey. ROSS: Hey. RICHARD: Ohh, brisk tonight. ROSS: Oh man. RICHARD: Let's never speak of this. ROSS: You got it. END Originally written by . CHANDLER: Hey look, are we gonna have to bring this out every time Ross comes over? JOEY: He paid a lot of money for it. CHANDLER: I'm gonna hold him a different way. Look I don't understand, if you hated it so much, why did you buy it in the first place? JOEY: Well, I had a whole ceramic zoo thing goin' over there but now, without the other ones, it just looks tacky. CHANDLER: So is he housetrained or is he gonna leave little bathroom tiles all over the place? Stay. Good, STAY! Good fake dog. END Originally written by . ERNIE: Bert, Bert. Bert. Hey, what happened to my friend Bert? He was here just a moment ago. Oh no, my old friend Bert is lost. PHOEBE: Oh, I'm so glad you're here. END Originally written by Sebastian Jones and Brian Buckner. JOEY: Excellent. END Originally written by Alexa Junge. Wow, those things almost never come true. END Originally written by Brown Mandell. END Originally written by Ira Ungerleider. Teleplay by Brown Mandell. Transcribed by Eric B Aasen. HTMLed by guineapig. ROSS: Oh my God, you look so good! RACHEL: I can not believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you drink when your nauseous. ROSS: So don't, I don't see why we have to go to this thing anyway, it's your ex-fiancee's wedding. RACHEL: Because I promised Mindy I would. MONICA: Yeah, well you promised Barry, you'd marry him. Min. Oh Rach, you're still here, at our wedding, they were packing up the chopped liver about now. RACHEL: Yeah, I love that story. Um, I got a question for you guys. Why do people keep is saying that is good to see me up and about? MINDY: Well uh, after you ran out on your wedding, Barry's parents told people that you were sort of....insane. RACHEL: Insane! MINDY: ...from the syphilis. RACHEL: What?! BARRY: Yeah, what are they gonna say you didn't love me anymore. Come on. ROSS: All right I've been feeling incredibly guilty about this, because I wanna be a good friend, and dammit I am a good friend. So just, just shut up and close your eyes . JOEY: Wow, you are a good friend, 'course the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl. END Joey: I'm tellin' ya that girl totally winked at me. All: Did not, she did not wink at you.... Chandler: Huh. Opening Credits Ross: I have to say Tupolo Honey by Van Morrison. Rachel: Nooo Way! The most romantic song ever is The Way We Were. Phoebe: See, I-I think that one that Elton John wrote for, um, that guy on Who's The Boss. Rachel: What song was that, Pheebs? Phoebe: Hold me close, young Tony Dan-za. Phoebe: Hi Monica! Ross: Hey Mon! Rachel: Hey Mon! Phoebe: Oh my God, has she slept at all? Ross: Nope. Rachel: No, it's been three nights in a row. Ross: Yeah, she finally stopped crying yesterday, but then she found one of Richard's cigar butts out on the terrace, so. Phoebe: Oh, okay that explains it. I got a call at two in the morning, but all I could hear was, like, this high squeaky sound, so I thought okay its like a mouse or a opossum. But then I realized where would a mouse or a opossum get the money to make the phone call. Chandler: Morning. Joey: Morning, hey, you made pancakes? Chandler: Yeah, like there's any way I could ever do that. Janice: Good morning Joey. Joey: Good morning. Chandler: Hey, you know what, here's a thought. Why don't you stay home from work today and just hang out with me. Janice: Oh, I wish. Look, honey, you have that report to finish, and I gotta go see my lawyer. Chandler: I can not believe that I am going out with someone that is getting divorced. I'm such a grown up. Janice: I-I-I gotta go, I gotta go. Okay, not without a kiss. Chandler: Well, maybe I won't kiss you, and then you'll have to stay. Joey: Kiss her! Kiss her! Janice: I'll see you later, sweetie. Bye Joey. Joey: B-bye Janice. So when ya' dumpin' her. Chandler: Nope, not this time. Joey: Come on, quite yankin' me. Chandler: I'm not yanking you. Joey: This is Janice. Chandler: Yeah, I know. She makes me happy. Joey: Okay. All right. You look me in the eye and tell me, without blinking, that you're not breaking up with her. No blinking. Chandler: Monica: God, look what I found in the drain. Rachel: What?! Monica: It's some of Richard's hair! What do I do with this? Ross: Getting it away from me would be job one. Monica: It's weird, but you know what I don't wanna throw this away. I mean this is like all I have left of him, gross, drain hair. Ooh! Phoebe: Ooh. Oh. It looks like, like a tiny little person drowning in your cereal. Monica: God, what is wrong with me. Ross: You need to get some sleep. Monica: I need to get some Richard. Rachel: Monica, you broke up with him for a reason. Monica: I know, I know. I'm just so tired of-of missing him. I'm tired of wondering why hasn't he called. Why hasn't he called! Phoebe: Maybe, because you told him not to. Monica: What are you the memory woman? Joey: Their not breaking up. Chandler and Janice. Their not breaking up. He didn't blink or anything. Rachel: Well, you know I'm not surprised. I mean have you seen them together, they're really cute. Joey: Cute! This is Janice! You remember Janice? Rachel: Yes, Joey, I remember, she's annoying, but you know what she's-she's his girlfriend now. I mean what can we do? Joey: There you go! That's the spirit I'm looking for! What can we do? Huh? All right who's first? Huh? Ross? Ross: Well I'm thinking that Chandler's our friend and Janice makes him happy, so I say we just all be adult about it and accept her. Joey: Yeah, we'll call that Plan B. All right? Rachel: Honey, I was wondering.... Ross: Hmm? Rachel: Do you still have that, um, Navy uniform? Ross: Nooo, I had to return it to the costume place. Rachel: Hmm. Ross: I think I have an old band uniform from high school. Rachel: You remember not having sex in high school, right? Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Well honey, what about you? Ross: What? Rachel: I mean do you have any fun, you know, fantasy type things? Ross: No. Rachel: Come on you gotta have one! Ross: Nope. Rachel: Ross, you know what... Ross: What? Rachel: ...if you tell me, I might do it. Ross: Okay, umm. Did you ever see, um, Return Of The Jedi? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Do you remember the scene with, um, Jabba the Hut? Well Jabba had as, as his prisoner, um, Princess Leia. Rachel: Oooh! Ross: Princess Leia, was wearing this, um, gold bikini thing. It was pretty cool. Phoebe: Yeah, oh, Princess Leia and the gold bikini, every guy our age loved that. Rachel: Really! Phoebe: Um, um. It's huge. Yeah, that's the moment, when-when, you know she stopped being a princess, and became, like, a woman, you know. Rachel: Did you ever do the-the Leia thing? Phoebe: Oh, yeah, um-mm. Oh! Rachel: Really! That-that great huh? Phoebe: No it's just that I got this new pager and I have it on vibrate. See ya! Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hi you guys! Ross: Look who I found standing outside of the Szechwan Dragon staring at a parking meter. Rachel: Mon. Hi! Monica: Hi. Rachel: Why aren't you at work? Monica: Oh, they-they sent me home. Rachel: Why? Monica: Because I don't work at the Szechwan Dragon. Ross: Okay. Rachel: You really, really need to get some sleep, honey. Monica: I know I do. Ross: Hi. Rachel: Hi. Ross: Guess what? Rachel: What? Ross: They published my paper. Rachel: Oh, really, let me see, let me see. Phoebe: Rach, look! There he is. Chandler: Hey! Joey: Wheel! Chandler: Of! Joey: Fortune! This guy is so stupid. It's Count Rushmore!! Chandler: You know, you should really go on this show. All right, listen, I got three tickets to the Rangers tonight. What'd ya' say? Joey: I say, 'I am there!' Cool! Aw, is Ross going to? Chandler: No, Janice. Joey: Jan-ice. 'Cause I, just, I feel bad for Ross, you know, we-we always go together, we're like the three hocke-teers. Chandler: You know, I may be way out on a limb here, but do you, do you, have a problem with Janice? Joey: No, Yeeees. God, how do I say this. ? Chandler: Ooh, that girl that I hate, eww, drives me crazy, eww, eww, oh! Joey: Look, I don't hate Janice, she's-she's just a lot to take, you know. Chandler: Well, there you go. Joey: Oh, hey. Come on man, don't look at me like that, she used to drive you nuts before too, remember? Chandler: Well, I'm crazy about her now. I think this could be the real thing. Capital 'R'! Capital 'T'! Don't worry, those are the right letters. Joey: Look, what do you want me to say? Chandler: I want you to say that you like her! Joey: I can't. It's like this chemical thing, you know. Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna pull my arm off just so that I can have something to throw at her. Chandler: Thanks for trying. Oh, and by the way there is no Count Rushmore! Joey: Yeah, then-then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain? Commercial Break Ross: How could you have told her? Rachel: Ross, I didn't think it would that big of a deal. Ross: Oh, she didn't think it would be that big of deal. Rachel: Okay, who are you talking to when you do that? Ross: Look, that was supposed to be like a private, personal thing between us. Rachel: Okay, Ross, Phoebe is my girlfriend, okay, we tell each other everything. You know, I mean, come on, guys do the same thing, I mean, what about all that locker room stuff. Ross: That's different, okay. That's like, uh 'Who dated a stripper?' or 'Who did it on the back of the Staton Island Ferry?'. Rachel: Were both of those Joey? Ross: Yeah. Look, you don't, you don't talk about like, you know, your girlfriend and the intimate stuff you, you do with her. Rachel: Not even with your best friend. Ross: Noo! Rachel: That is so sad. Your missing out on so much, Ross. I mean, the bonding and the sharing, you know. And-and knowing that someone else is going through the same thing you are. Ross: Hmph. So what you, you tell each other everything? Rachel: Pretty much. Ross: Did you talk about the night of five times? Do you tell people about the night of five times? Rachel: Uh, honey, yeah that was with Carol. Ross: I know, but it's still worth mentioning, I think. Phoebe: Relax every muscle in your body. Listen to the plinky-plunky music. Okay, now close you eyes, and think of a happy place. Okay, tell me your happy place. Monica: Richard's living room, drinking wine. Phoebe: All right. No, no, no, not a Richard thing, just put down the glass. And get out! Monica: I'm sorry, but that's my happy place. Phoebe: Well, okay, fine, use my happy place. Okay, I'm just gonna, I have to ask that you don't move anything. Monica: All right, I'll try not to. Phoebe: Okay, all right, so, your in a meadow, millions of stars in the sky.... Monica: Do you think breaking up with him was a huge mistake? Phoebe: All right, there are no questions in the happy place. Okay, just, the warm breeze, and the moonlight flowing through the trees.... Monica: I'll bet he's totally over me, I'll bet he's fine. Phoebe: All right, betting and wagering of any kind, are, I'm sure, not permitted in the happy place. Okay. Just-just, you know, the-the lovely waterfalls, and the, the trickling fountains. And the-the calming sounds of the babbling brook.... Monica: Okay, this isn't working. I'm still awake and now I have to pee. Janice: So, I hear, you hate me! Joey: I, ah, I never said hate, I was very careful about that. Janice: A little birdie told me something about you wanting to rip your arm off and throw it at me. Joey: And you got a 'hate' from that?! Your taking a big leap there... Janice: All right, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, we've got to do something about our little situation here Joey. So, this is my idea: you and me spending some quality time together. Joey: But what does that gonna do... Janice: For Chandler! Joey: Okay. I'm in. Janice: Okay. All right. This is what we're gonna call it: 'Joey and Janice's DAY OF FUN!' Joey: Does it have to be a whole day? Janice: Yes, because that's how long it takes to love me. Joey: Yeah, I know, I sleep in the next room. Monica: So, I went down to the post office, and it turns out it was those videos that I ordered for Richard about the Civil War. He loved the Civil War. Phoebe: Monica, do you want us to take you home? Monica: Uh, huh. Ross: Women tell each other everything. Did you know that? Chandler: Umm, yeah. Ross: No Chandler, everything! Like stuff you like, stuff she likes, technique, stamina, girth.... Chandler: Girth? Why, why, why, wh-why, why, why, why would they do this? Ross: Rachel says sharing's great and supposedly, you know, we outta be doing it. Do you wanna? Chandler: We're not gonna talk about girth are we? Ross: Nooo! Chandler: Yeah, okay. Ross: Yeah? Chandler: Yeah! All right! You go first. Ross: Okay, okay, I'll go first. Chandler: Okay. Ross: So, uh, the other night Rachel and I are in bed talking about fantasies, and I happened to describe a particular Star Wars thing.... Chandler: Princess Leia in the gold bikini. Ross: Yes! Chandler: I know! Ross: Yes! Wow, well, that-that was easy. Okay, you-you go. Chandler: Okay. Ross: Okay. Chandler: Okay, you know, you know when your in bed, with a woman. Ross: Hmph. Chandler: And, ah, you know, your fooling around with her. And you get all these like, mental images in your brain, you know, like Elle MacPherson, or that girl at the Xerox place.... Ross: With the belly-button ring? Oh, muhawa! Chandler: I know, And then all of the sudden your Mom pops into your head. And your like 'Mom, get outta here!' You know, but of course, like, after that you can't possibly think of anything else, and you can't, you know, stop what your doing. So it's kinda like, you're, you know. You know.... You don't know! Ross: Your Mom, your telling me, your telling me, about your Mom, what is the matter with you? Chandler: You said... Ross: I said 'share' not 'scare'. Go sit over there! . Janice: We're baack! Joey: Hey! Chandler: What are you guys doing together? Janice: Joey and Janice's DAY OF FUN!!! Chandler: Really. Joey: Yeah, yeah. We went to a Mets game, we got Chinese food, and you know, I love this woman. You have got competition buddy. Janice: I just came by to give you a kiss, I have to go pick up the baby, so. I'll see you later sweetheart, you too Chandler. Chandler: You still can't stand her can you? Joey: I'm sorry man, I tired, I really did. Chandler: Well, you know, I appreciate you giving it a shot. Joey: But, hey, look, you know the good thing is, is that we spent the whole day together and I survived, and what's even more amazing, so did she. It was bat day at Shea Stadium. Chandler: Well, I guess that's something. Joey: No man, that's huge! Now, I know I can stand to be around her, which means I get to hang out with you, which is kinda the whole point, anyway. Chandler: Okay. Joey: Oh, hey, Chandler, we, ah, we stopped by the coffee shop and ran into Ross. Chandler: Oh God! Joey: Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I do it too. Chandler: Really? Joey: Oh yeah, I always picture your Mom when I'm having sex. Video:April Twelve, Eighteen hundred, Sixty-One it is now under bombardment by.... Monica: Hi, Dad, what are you doing here? Mr. Geller: Well, it's your mother's bridge night so I thought that I would come into the city for a little Monicuddle. Since when did you start smoking cigars? Monica: I don't, I just, I just like the smell of them. So, uh, what are you really doing here Dad? Mr. Geller: Well, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Monica: What makes you think that I might not be okay? Mr. Geller: I saw Richard. Monica: Oh. Mr. Geller: So, how are you doing? Monica: I'm fine, just a little tired, I'm okay. How's Richard doing? Mr. Geller: You don't wanna know. Monica: No, I really, really do. Mr. Geller: Well, he's doing terrible! Monica: Really! Mr. Geller: Worse than when he broke up with Barbara. Monica: You're not just saying that are you? Mr. Geller: No, the man is a mess. Monica: Was he crying? Mr. Geller: No. Monica: Well, do you think he was waiting 'til after you left, so he could cry? Mr. Geller: Maybe. Monica: I think so. Mr. Geller: Honey, relationships are hard. Like with your Mom and me. You know after we graduated college we broke up for a while. It seems her Father, your Grandfather, wanted her to travel around Europe, like he did. Of course, he got to do it on Uncle Sam's nickel, because he was also strafing German troop trains at the time. However, Closing Credits Rachel: Okay, here we go. I'm Jabba's prisoner, and you have a really weird look on your face. What? Honey, what is it? Did I get it wrong? Did I get the hair wrong? What? Did you just picture it differently? What? What? Ross: No, no it's, um, it's not you, um, it's um, it's Mrs. Geller: Well what is it? Come on sweetie, your like, freaking me out here. Ross: I hate Chandler, the bastard ruined my life. End Written by: Ira Ungerleider Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Joey: All right they got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider. Chandler: Taste it. Joey: Yep, it's fat. I drank fat! Chandler: Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago. Ross: Hey! Chandler: Hey, mister tux! Ross: Why aren't you guys dressed? Joey: We have a half hour. Ross: No, four minutes ago you had a half hour, we have to be out the door at twenty to eight. Joey: Relax Ross, we'll be ready. It only takes us two minutes to get dressed. Ross: Well, you know, I'd feel a whole lot better if you got dressed now. Chandler and Rachel: Hey-hey! Oh, look at you, all sexy. Ross: Really. Rachel: Ooooh! Wow!! Oh, hi. Ross: Hi. Rachel: How come you didn't come over earlier? Ross: 'Cause, I'm a stupid, stupid man. Joey: Hey, Ross, want some cider? Ross: No. So, um, let's see your pretty close, huh. Make-up's on, hair's done. Rachel: Yeah, I just have to get dressed. Ross: Yay! And that takes what? Just six or seven minutes. Rachel: Yeah! Once, I figure out what I'm wearing. Joey: Glass of fat? Opening Credits Joey: What's a matter Ross? What you're nervous about your speech? Ross: No! Do you wanna hear it? Joey: Am I in it? Ross: Uh, huh. Yeah, right after I thank everyone for giving money to the museum, I sing a song about the wonder that is Joey. Phoebe: Hello. Ross: Hey! Joey: Whoa! Ross: Wow, hello! You look great! Phoebe: Thank you! I know, though. Ross: You see this, this is a person who is ready to go. Phoebe you, oh, you are my star. Phoebe: Ohh, well, you're my lucky penny. Chandler: Get up. Joey: What? Chandler: You're in my seat. Joey: How is this your seat? Chandler: 'Cause I was sitting there. Joey: But then you left. Chandler: Well, it's not like I went to Spain. I went to the bathroom, you knew I was coming back. Joey: What's the big deal, sit somewhere else. Chandler: The big deal is I was sitting there last, so, that's my seat. Joey: Well, actually the last place you were sitting was in there . Soo... Ross: You guys, you know what, you know what, it doesn't matter, because you both have to go get dressed before the big vain in my head pops. So.. Chandler: All right, Ross, I just have to do one thing, really quickly, it's not a big deal. GET UP!! Monica: Hi. All: Monica: Ooh, Phoebe, you look great! Phoebe: All right all ready. Monica: Ooh, are you gonna do magic? Ross: That's, that's funny. Change! Monica: Hang on a second I just got in. Ross: Look, I don't care it starts at eight, we can't be late. Phoebe: We could not, would not want to wait. Ross: Look, our table is down in front, okay, my boss is gonna be there, everyone will see if we arrive after it starts. Monica: Has somebody been drinking my fat? Rachel: does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear? Phoebe: I don't know, you might be the first one. Monica: Rach, did you check the machine? Rachel: Uh, no. Wait, you know what, this is the outfit that makes my calves look fat. Nevermind. Chandler: Well, Joey, I wrote a little song today. It's called: Get Up. Joey: All right! You can have the chair. Chandler: Really! Joey: Oh my, would you look at that! Phoebe: Is that too spooky? Ross: "Hi Rach, are you there? It's me, pick up. Rachel. Rach!" Rachel: What?! Ross: Nevermind. Richard: Monica: Is-is-is that message old or new? Old or new?! Old or new?! Ross: It's old, it's definitely old. Didn't you hear the, the double beep? Monica: What if it's new? I mean, we agreed not to talk again, unless we had something really important to say. Shouldn't I call him back? Chandler: Honey, you did call him back. 'Cause, it's, it's really old. Ross: Yeah, see Mon, listen, listen. When Carol and I broke up, I went through the same thing. And you know what I did? Monica: Huh? Ross: I.....got.....dressed. Really, really quickly. Okay, okay. There we go, there we go. Chandler: You know what, okay, fine. Don't get up, you just sit right there. I just hope, you don't mind, you know, my hand right here. Phoebe: Ah! Oh my God! You r-r-rotten boys! Chandler and Joey: I'm so sorry. Phoebe: What am I gonna do? Ross: No, no, don't, don't, rub it! Don't! What gets out hummus?! What gets out hummus?! Phoebe: Monica, Monica, you know what gets out hummus. Monica: If it is a new message, what is he calling to say? Phoebe: Okay, thanks. Yeah, I'll try that. Chandler: Maybe he's calling to say your obsessive and crazy. Monica: So, should I call him back? The Guys: Chandler: All right, fine, you know what, we'll both sit in the chair. I'm soooo, comfortable. Joey: Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable. Chandler: All right! Ross: Okay, look, we have nineteen minutes. Okay, Chandler, I want you to go and change! Okay. And then, when you come back, Joey will go change, and he'll have vacated the chair. Okay. Okay. Chandler: All right! Fine! I'm going. But when I get back it's chair sitting, and I'm the guy who's....sitting in a chair! Rachel: Pheebs, what happened? Phoebe: Hummus. I got the hummus. Rachel: Ooooh! Honey, well we'll find you something. Do you wanna wear my black jacket? Phoebe: That won't go with this dress though. Rachel: No, you're right. Well, we'll find something. Let's just get you out of that. Come on. Ross: No, no, no, no, no, no, not out of that, not out of clothes. Rachel: Monica, can Phoebe borrow your green dress? Monica: I called him. All: Monica: Yes. Well I got his machine and I left a message. But it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, because you know it was like a casual, breezy message. It was breezy! Oh God, what if it wasn't breezy? Phoebe: Well, how could it not be breezy, no, 'cause, you're, you're in such a breezy place. Monica: Here, I got it. I'll will play my message for you guys, and you can tell me if it's breezy enough. Joey: Monica, how are you gonna do that? Monica: I know the code to his answering machine. Ross: Okay, Mon, I really don't think this is the... Okay, you're dialing, you are dialing. Richard: Machine: "You have two new messages." Joey: Wow, what a cool job. 'You have two new messages.' 'Please, pass the pie.' Monica: "Hi, it's Monica. I'm just checking in 'cause I got this message from you and I didn't know if it was old or new or what. So, I'm just checkin'. So let me know, or don't, whatever. I'm breezy." Joey: Hey, you can't say you're breezy, that, that totally negates the breezy. Woman's Voice: Joey: Now she sounded breezy. Commercial Break Monica: He's seeing someone. I can't believe he's seeing someone. Phoebe: Monica, you don't know that. Monica: Well, who's voice was that? Chandler: Maybe it was his sister's. You know, maybe it was his daughter's. Monica: Michelle! Of course, it was Michelle! Did it sound like Michelle? Ross: Oh, great. It's starting to rain, that will make it easy to get a cab. Monica: It was Michelle. It was definitely Michelle. Rachel: Pheebs, you go with Monica and try on her green dress. If that doesn't work, you can wear my gray silk one. Oh, gosh, what am I wearing?! Ross: You don't, you don't know what your wearing? Rachel: Well, hon-ey. I'm just trying to look nice for your big night. Ross: Yeah, which, which we have to leave for in exactly twelve minutes. All right, come on, I'll just pick something out for you. Chandler: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole!" Joey: Okay. Chandler: What are you doing? Joey: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions. Chandler: The cushions are the essence of the chair! Joey: That's right! I'm taking the essence. Chandler: Oh-ho, it'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody in the room. Ross: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty. Rachel: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep. Ross: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep. Rachel: Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would like back one of these days. Phoebe: Oh Rach, good, listen isn't this perfect for me! Rachel: Oh, it's perfect! But not for tonight. Phoebe: Well, of course not for tonight. Yeah, hi! Ross: Not for tonight. Not for tonight! Wh-what, what, what, are you doing? Rachel: No honey, we're sorry, we didn't mean it. I love you. I love you. Chandler: We used them as pillows when we went camping. Ross: What? Chandler: The sheep. Ross: Hey, what you do on your own time... Joey: Where's my underwear?! Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, come on, what. You took his underwear? Chandler: He took my essence! Ross: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now? Joey: Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now. Ross: Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight? Joey: It's a rented tux. Okay. I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues. Chandler: Well, then it looks like somebody is gonna have to give back somebody his cushions. Joey: Okay, you hide my clothes. I'm gonna do the exact opposite to you. Chandler: What are you, what are you gonna show me my clothes? Joey: Hey, opposite, is opposite! Chandler: He's got nothing! Phoebe: Okay, I'm ready. Ross and Phoebe: Rachel, didn't have anything that I liked, so, but she had this Christmas ribbon, and I thought, 'All right, fine I'll be political.' Chandler: What are you supporting? Phoebe: Duh!! Christmas! Ross: Okay, hey, that's okay with me. Two down and I have exactly twelve minutes.... Wha, my watch stopped. My watch. What time is it? It's 7:33, I have seven minutes. I have seven minutes!! Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, quick, what shoes should I wear? The black or the purple? Ross: Just, just, just pick one! Phoebe: Okay, okay, okay, the black. But, oh, do you have black, with the little strappys? Rachel: Yeahh, but, but those really go better with pants. Maybe I should wear pants? Ross: Yeah, pants, what, what an idea. Or better yet, um, how 'bout you go without any pants. Look, I don't know what you're trying to do to me, but just get your butt in there and pick out any shoes that fit your feet, okay. No, no I don't care if they match. I don't care if they make your ankles or your knees or your earlobes look fat. Okay. Rachel: But I... Ross: No, no, no just do it. Go in there and pick something out so we can go. Rachel: All right. Ross: Thank you! Monica: Okay. I gotta call Michelle. I gotta see if that was her voice or not. I'm sorry, I just have to. Ross: It was, it was her voice. Chandler: Monica, I think you've gone over to the bad place. Michelle: Monica: Okay. That was her right? Phoebe: Definitely. Monica: See there you go. Woo! We're out of the woods. Okay, I'll get dressed now. Ross: Yay! Phoebe: I'll get it, okay. Oh, ew, it's Michelle! Ew! She, she must have that Caller Id thing. You should get that. Monica: Oh, you're so sweet. Yeah, we were a great couple. I know I really miss him. Well, you know how it is, it's that.... Chandler: You know what's weird. Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about? Monica: That bitch always hated me. I'm calling her back. Ross: No, no, no, no. Tick, tick, tick, tick. Monica: Okay, fine. Chandler: They got a phone in there, right? Phoebe: Okay, we're on it. We're on it. Ross: Um. I know it says black tie optional, but, um this may be pushing it a little, um. Rachel: I'm not gonna gooo. Ross: You're not going to go. Rachel: No, I think I'm gonna catch up on my correspondence. Ross: How, how, um how can you not be going? Rachel: I'm not gonna gooo, so I think that will accomplish the not going. Ross: Um, you know, just out of curiosity... Rachel: Well, ever since I was humiliated and yelled at in front of my friends, I'm just, I don't know, not in a museum benefitty kind of mood. Ross: Right. Right, okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled. Rachel: It's fine. Ross: No, but, your-your mad. Rachel: I'm not mad. Ross: No. Rachel: I'm just not going. Ross: Your not going. Rachel: Right. Ross: Okay. You know that I-I have to go. Rachel: Um, hum. Ross: Right. So is it gonna be like 'I'm abandoning you while your upset.' Rachel: No. Ross: No, because your not upset. Rachel: Right. Ross: About the yelling. Rachel: Right, and the humiliating. Ross: Oh, well of course, the humiliating. So, so wee, we're okay. Rachel: Um, hum. Ross: We're good. Rachel: Right. Ross: Okay. Honey? Rachel: Yes, Ross. Ross: I love you. Phoebe: She's just getting dressed. Chandler: Is it wrong that I was totally aroused by that? Joey: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own. Chandler: Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!! Joey: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando... Chandler: Oooo-ooh! Joey: Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff on. I ah, I better not do any, I don't know, lunges. Ross: Okay, okay. Enough, enough with the lunging. No! I'm sick of this. Okay. I've had it up to here with you two! Neither you can come to the party! Chandler: Jeez, what a baby. Joey: Yeah, Ross, way to ruin it. I was just going to get dressed. Ross: You know what I don't care. The only person I cared about getting dressed, is the one person that says she's not even gonna go. Look Rach, I'm sorry. Okay. Look, I-I wa, I was a jerk. I'm sorry I yelled. I want you there, I need you there. Look, what, what can I do that can show you how much, how much I want you to be there. Joey: You could drink the fat. Ross: Hi, welcome, to an adult conversation. Rachel: No, no, no, now wait, wa, wa, waa-it a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. That actually, uh, that sounds interesting. Ross: What? Rachel: I think you should drink the fat. Joey: Yaaaay! Ross: Okay, okay. If that is what it takes to show you how much you mean to me, and how much I want you there. Then that's what I'll do. Phoebe: Oh, wait, let me get you another glass. That's been sitting out. Ross: I think this will be fine. Okay, vanilla milkshake, just a vanilla milkshake, with chicken bits floating in it. Cheers. Rachel: No, no, no, wait! Okay, okay. Don't! I'll go, I'll go! Ross: You will?! Rachel: You were really gonna do that, weren't you? Ross: Well, yeah. Rachel: You were gonna drink the fat. Joey: Let's see what else he'll do! Ross: You, give him back his underwear! I'm gonna go get a cab, and I want everyone down stairs in two minutes! Monica! Chandler: Stop it. Stop it! Phoebe: Ross, went to get a cab so we can all... No, wh-what are you doing! No, Monica, no! Richard: Machine: You have three new messages. Monica: Not any more! Machine: Message erased. To record a message begin speaking at the tone. Monica: Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my period or something, I don't know. Um, anyway, I, I, I beeped into your machine and I heard a message that, that freaked me out, and um, you know what Michelle will tell you the rest. I, I, um, I'm sorry, okay, I, I hope that we can forget the whole thing. Okay, bye. Machine: Your outgoing message has now been changed. Monica: Outgoing! Did that say outgoing?! Not, outgoing!!! Monica: "Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my period or something, I don't know." Nooo!! Phoebe: How did you do that? Monica: I don't know! Machine: Good-bye. Monica: Noooo!!!! Ross: Okay, okay, okay, I've got two cabs and no people. Go! Go! Go! Monica: Maybe we could call the phone company. Maybe they could change the message. Maybe they can change his number. Phoebe: Yeah, after this, I think he'll be doing that himself. Ross: Rachel!! Wow! You, uh, you look, wow! Rachel: And I still have about five seconds to spare. Okay, that was about seven seconds. Ross: So we're a little late. Rachel: Come on. Oh! And, uh, by the way.... Ross: What? Rachel: I'm going commando, too. Ross: Awwww!!! Closing Credits Sherman Whitfield: Dr. Geller, Sherman Whitfield, London Institute. Ross: Wow! What a pleasure. Whitfield: Well, I have to tell you, I was quite impressed with your paper on Pre-Cretaceous fossils. Yeah, it confirmed everything that I have written. Chandler: Excuse me. Hi. Whitfield: Yes? Chandler: Well, your kind of sitting in my seat. Whitfield: What do you mean, your seat? Chandler: I mean, I was sitting there. Whitfield: But, you got up! Chandler: But, I never left the room! Whitfield: But, you left the chair area. Chandler: All right, that's it, give me your underwear. End Joey: WHOAA!! Chandler: See Joe, that's why your parents told you not to jump on the bed. Opening Credits Monica: Hey, look at me. I'm making jam, been at it since 4 o'clock this morning. Ross: Where'd you get fruit at four in the morning? Monica: Went down to the docks. Bet ya didn't know you could get it wholesale. Rachel: I didn't know there were docks. Joey: Hey. Chandler: Hey. Ross: Aww, is it broken? Joey: No, I gotta wear this thing for a couple weeks. Rachel: Did you tell the doctor you did it jumping up and down on your bed? Joey: Nooo. I had a story all worked out but then Chandler sold me out. Chandler: Well, I'm sorry Joe. I didn't think the doctor was gonna buy that it just *fell* out of the socket. Joey: What is this? Fruit? Rachel: Monica's making jam. Joey: Whoa, jam! I love jam! Hey, how come we never have jam at our place? Chandler: Because the kids need new shoes. Monica: I'm going into business people. I'm sick and tired of being depressed about Richard. I needed a plan, a plan to get over my man. What's the opposite of man? Jam. Joey: This will just be my batch. Phoebe: Um, that's it. No. Hey! You! J. Crew guy. Yeah. Why have you been following me? I mean, all week long everywhere I look there's you. Guy: You wouldn't return my calls, you sent back my letters.... Phoebe: What? Guy: One more chance Ursula, please? Phoebe: Oooh. Oh, well this is awkward. Guy: Wh.. Phoebe: Um, yeah, you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters! Seriously. Guy: Oh, that's great. I'm stalking the wrong woman. I am such a dingus! Phoebe: Oh, you're not a dingus. Guy: I just, I want you to know I didn't used to be like this. Before I meet your sister I was like this normal guy who sold beepers and cellular phones. Phoebe: Well, I mean look it's, it's not your fault, you know. I mean this is just what, what she does to guys, okay. Guy: Well thanks. Phoebe: Wait, you know what, I got a little story. When I was in Junior High School I went through this period where I thought I was a witch. And there was this guidance counselor who said something to me, that I think will help you a lot. He said okay, 'you're not a witch you're just an average student.' See what I'm saying? Guy: Not really. Phoebe: Um, well, get over it. So, I mean you, you just seem to be a really nice guy, you know. Don't be so hard on yourself okay. Guy: Wait. You're right. I know you're right. And, thanks for being so nice. Here Phoebe: Oh, thanks a lot. Do you want to get a cup of coffee? Guy: Yeah, okay. Phoebe: Okay. Okay, you don't have to walk behind me any more. Guy: Sorry. Rachel: Mon? Ross: Mon? Rachel: 'Gone for more jars. Back later. Monica Geller.' Ross: Wait a minute, look. Rachel: What? Ross: Look, look, look. Rachel: What, what, what? Ross: It's an empty apartment. Rachel: Oooh. Ross: We're all alone in an empty apartment. Rachel: Honey, come on, I have to be at work in like ten minutes Ross: There it is. Rachel: Oh, oh, that's what you're talking about. Hey. Ross: Hey. Chandler: Do I look fat? Ross and Rachel: Noo. Chandler: Okay, I accept that. When Janice asked me and I said no, she took that to mean that I was calling her a cow. Rachel: Okay, walk us through it, honey, walk us through it. Chandler: Okay, well. Janice said 'Hi, do I look fat today?' And I, I looked at her.... Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You looked at her. You never look. You just answer, it's just a reflex. Do I look fat? Nooo! Is she prettier than I am? Noo! Does size matter? Rachel: Nooo! Ross: And it works both ways. Chandler: Okay, so you both just know this stuff? Rachel: Well you know, after about thirty or forty fights, you kinda catch on. Ross: Okay, for instance. Let's say, Janice is coming back from a trip and she gives you two options. Option number 1 she'll take a cab home from the airport. Option 2 is you can meet her at baggage claim. Which do you do? Chandler: That's easy, baggage claim. Ross: Wrong! Now you're single. It's actually secret option number three, you meet her at the gate. That way she knows you love her. Chandler: Okay, this is good, this is good. All right listen, I have one. Janice likes to cuddle, at night, which, you know I'm all for. But, uh, you know when you want to go to sleep, you want some space. So, uh, how do I tell her that without, you know, accidentally calling her fat or something. Rachel: Oh honey, I'm sorry we can't help you there, 'cause we're cuddlily sleepers. Okay, I'm late for work. Ross: Oh. Rachel: All right are you guys gonna come down? Ross: Uh, yeah, yeah I'll, I'm right behind you. Rachel: Good luck Chandler. Chandler: Thank you Rachel. Ross: Bye sweetie. Rachel: Bye hon. Ross: Okay the sleeping thing. Very tricky business, but there is something you can do. Chandler: Well, I thought you guys were cuddlily sleepers. Ross: Noo! No, not cuddlily, not me, just her. I'm like you, I need the room. Okay, come here. Okay, you're in bed... Chandler: Yeah. Ross: I'm gonna use the cushion. Chandler: Yeah. Ross: Okay, you're in bed. She's over on your side, cuddling. Now you wait for her to drift off, and then you hug her and roll her back over to her side of the bed. And then you rollll a-way. Hug for her! Roll for you. Chandler: Okay, the old hug and roll. Ross: Yep. Chandler: Okay, one question. Ross: Shoot. Chandler: You're pretending the pillow's a girl right? Joey: Remember when you where a kid and your Mom would drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a little spoon? Rachel: You're so pretty. Phoebe: Hi! All: Hey, Phoebe. Phoebe: Hey, oh, you know that guy who's been following me? I talked to him today. Joey: You talked to him. Are you crazy? Phoebe: Okay, first I'm not crazy. And second, say it don't spray it. Anyway his name is Malcom, and he wasn't following me, I mean he was, but 'cause he thought I was Ursula, ick. And, that's why, that's why he couldn't just come up and talk to me. 'Cause of the restraining order. Chandler: Umm, not feeling better 'bout Malcom. Phoebe: Ooh! No, no, no, no, he's not like a kook, no. He's just like this, this very passionate, incredibly romantic guy, that got like a tinsy bit carried away, you know. And we just get along really well, and he's so cute. Ross: Oh my God, you've got a crush on your sister's stalker. Phoebe: No, I'm just gonna help him, you know, get 'de-Ursula-ized', like you know, like I did for Joey after he went out with her. Joey: Phoebe: Okay, I asked for the news, not the weather. Monica: Hey guys. All: Hey Mon. Monica: Joey, this is for you. It's blackberry curin. Joey: Aww. Ohh! Chandler: Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place buck naked Joey: Put your hands together. Monica: Joey, take your time with that. That's my last batch. Joey: No more jam?! Rachel: Well, what happened to your jam plan? Monica: I figured out I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even. So, I've got a new plan now. Babies. Chandler: Well, your gonna need much bigger jars. Ross: What are you talking about? Monica: I'm talking about me having a baby. Ross: What? Rachel: Are you serious? Monica: Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan. Ross: Well, aren't you forgetin' something? What, what, what is uh, what is that guy's name? Dad! Monica: It took me 28 years to find one man that I wanna spend my life with, if I have to wait another 28 years then, I'll be 56 before I can have a baby, and that's just stupid. Chandler: That, that's what's stupid. Monica: I don't need an actual man, just a couple of his best swimmers. And there, there are places you can go to get that stuff. Rachel: Down at the docks again? Janice: Night-night Bing-a-ling. Chandler: Night-night.....Janice. Commercial Break Malcom: Here's my binoculars. Phoebe: Oh, great. Great. You're doing great, you know real strong. Going strong. Keep going. Malcom: These are my night vision goggles. This is the book I pretend to read when I'm watching her in the park. And these are Mad Lips, they're just for fun. Phoebe: Oh, yeah. What's this? Malcom: Oh, this is log I kept, recording her every movement. Do you wanna here something from it? Phoebe: Um, not even a little bit. Malcom: It's about you. Phoebe: Oh, okay then. Malcom: I met Phoebe today. She was really nice to me eventhough I'm such a loser. And, then when I was walking home I thought about her a lot, it was weird, but kinda cool. Phoebe: Good. So what were you thinking? Malcom: I was thinking what it would be like to kiss you. Phoebe: Really? Malcom: No. Phoebe: Oh. Malcom: See that's just something I said now, so that maybe I could kiss you. Phoebe: Oh, okay. Chandler: No, that's all right. I just had a jar of mustard. Monica: Okay, sperm donor number 03815, come on down! Okay, he's 6'2", 170 pounds, and he describes himself as a male Geena Davis. Chandler: You mean there's more than one of us. Ross: Look, you can't do this Mon. All right, if you do this, I'm, I'm gonna, I'm, I'm gonna..... Monica: You're gonna what? Ross: I'm gonna tell Mom. Rachel: Honey, I'm sorry, but he's right. I love you, but you're crazy. Ross: Crazy. Monica: What?! Why? Why is this crazy? So this isn't the ideal way to something.... Ross: Oh, it's not the ideal way... Monica: Lips moving, still talking. I mean it may not be ideal, but I'm so ready. No, I-I-I see the way Ben looks at you. It makes me ache, you know? Joey: Check it out!! Jam crackers! Monica: Okay, all right, how's this? 27. Italian-American guy. He's an actor, born in Queens. Wow, big family, seven sisters, and he's the only....boy. Oh my God, under personal comments: 'New York Knicks, rule!' Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule! Monica: Joey, this is you! Joey: Let me see. Oh, right. Rachel: When did you go to a sperm bank? Joey: Well, right after I did that sex study down at NYU. Hey, Remember that sweater I gave you for your birthday? Chandler: And that's how you bought it? Joey: Noooo, that's what I was wearing when I donated. I'm kinda surprised there's any of my boys left. Monica: Well, honey, it is pretty competitive. I mean I've got an actual rocket scientist here. Joey: Maybe, I should call this place and get them to put my 'Days of Our Lives' on here. You know, juice this puppy up a little. Phoebe: Hellooo! All: Hey. Ross: How's the maniac? Phoebe: Oh, well he's yummy. We did a little kissin'. Rachel: Phoebe, what are you doing? Phoebe: Oh, no, no, no, no. You know what, he's not into that stuff anymore. He quit for me. Rachel: Pheebs, this guy has been obsessed with your sister, for God knows how long, okay, you don't just give up something like that. Phoebe: Look, he gave me his night vision goggles and everything. Ross: You're taking the word of a guy who has night vision goggles? Phoebe: What, he's not still following her. Do you think he is still following her? Chandler: Pheebs, wake up and smell the restraining order. Phoebe: What are you saying I should do? Monica: I think, that if you really like this guy, you should just trust him. Phoebe: Thank you, Monica. Joey: Orrr, you could follow him and see where he goes. Monica: Oh, that's what I would do, forget mine. Rachel: Oh my God, what happened? Janice: Oh. God, crazy Chandler. He spun me...off...the...bed! Rachel: Wow! Spinning that sounds like fun. Janice: Oh, I wish. No, you know he was just trying Ross's Hug and Roll thing. Rachel: Ross's what? Janice: You know what, where he hugs you and kinda rolls you away and... Oh... my....God. Malcom: Phoebe? Phoebe: Yes? Yes! Oh. Malcom: What are you doing? Phoebe: Oh, I was just here looking for, um, my um, my part of an old sandwich. Oh, here it is! Oh. Malcom: Were you following me? Phoebe: Um, perhaps. Yes! Yes, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was just afraid that you were still hung up on my sister. Malcom: So you spied on me. I can't believe you don't trust me. Phoebe: Oh well, what do you know, there goes my identical twin sister. Just walkin' along looking like me. What, is this just like a freakish coincidence, or did you know she takes this train? Malcom: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I tried to stop, but I couldn't. I'm so pathetic. Phoebe: No, no, it's not your fault. You know it's partly my fault, 'cause I made you quit cold turkey. Sorry, no. Okay, well, I mean, I can't date you anymore, 'cause your, you know Wow! But um, but I will definitely, definitely help you get over my sister. Okay, stalk me for a while. Huh? Yeah, and, and, and, I'll be like an Ursula patch. Malcom: Uh-huh, I don't know. Phoebe: Yeah, just, okay, look I'm going. Um, come on. Op, op, behind the pillar, which way am I gonna go? Joey: Hey. Monica: Hey. Joey: Where you going? Monica: To the bank. Joey: Sperm or regular? Monica: Sperm. Joey: So you're really doing this, huh? Monica: Oh yeah, picked a guy, 37135. Joey: Sounds nice. Monica: 'Fraid so. Brown hair, green eyes... Joey: No kiddin', hmm. Monica: What? Joey: No, I-I figured you would've picked a blond guy. Monica: Really? Why? Joey: I don't know, I just always pictured you ending up with one of those tall, smart blond guys, name like.... Hoyt. Monica: Hoyt? Joey: It's a name, yeah. I saw you, you know, in this great house with a big pool. Monica: Really, is he a swimmer? Joey: He's got the body for it. Monica: I like that. What? Joey: You guys have one of those signs that says: 'We don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in our pool.', you know. Monica: We do not have one of those signs. Joey: Sure you do, it was a gift from me. Oh! And you have these three great kids. Monica: Two girls and a boy? Joey: Yeah! Monica: And, and, and they wear those little water wings, you know. And they're, they're running around on the deck. Then Hoyt wraps this big towel around all three of them. Joey: Sure! But hey, you know this way sounds good too. Monica: Yeah. Joey: Oh Monica. . Closing Credits Joey: I called the sperm bank today, they haven't sold a single unit of Tribianni. Nobody wants my product. I mean, I-I-I don't get it Maybe if they met me in person. Rachel: Honey, you got a little thing on your... Joey: Did I get it? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Hello. Rachel: Hello. Ross: Uh, Chan, can I uh, can I talk to you for a second? Chandler: Sure. What's up? Ross: Just one uh, one additional relationship thought. Probably something your already familiar with, uh, women talk! End Host: Welcome everybody, welcome to Amazing Discoveries! Phoebe: Oh, oh! It's on again! Joey: You guys, can we please not watch this all right. All: Shhhh! Host: Folks, has this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, and these darn cartons are so flingin'-flangin' hard to open. Joey: Aw! There's got to be a better way! Mike: And there is Kevin. Joey: Can we please turn this off? Rachel: Noo way, Kevin. Mike: There is a revolutionary new product that guarantees that you'll never have to open up milk cartons again. Meet the Milk Master 2000. Ross: Are you intrigued? Chandler: You're flingin'-flangin' right I am! Mike: Keep in mind, he's never used this product before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do. This works with any milk carton. Joey: Now, I can have milk everyday. Opening Credits Chandler: Well, it's official there are no good movies. Janice: Well, let's go to a bad one and make out. Monica: Perhaps, you would like me to turn like this, so that you can bunny bump against my back. Joey: Hey! Phoebe: Hey. Chandler: Hey, man. What's up? Joey: Maybe you can tell me. My agent would like to know why I didn't show up at the audition I didn't know I had today. The first good thing she gets me in weeks. How could you not give me the message?! Chandler: Well, I'll tell ya I do enjoy guilt, but, ah, it wasn't me. Phoebe: Yes, it was! It was him! Uh huh! Okay, it was me! Joey: How is it you? Phoebe: Well, it was just, it was all so crazy, you know. I mean, Chandler was in the closet, counting to 10, and he was up to 7 and I hadn't found a place to hide yet. I-I-I meant to tell you, and I wrote it all down on my hand. See, all of it. Joey: Yep, that's my audition. Monica: See, now this is why I keep notepads everywhere. Phoebe: Yep, and that's why we don't invite you to play. Janice: What is the great tragedy here? You go get yourself another appointment. Joey: Well, Estelle tried, you know. The casting director told her that I missed my chance. Phoebe: That is unfair. I'll call her and tell her it was totally my fault. Joey: Pheebs, you can't do that. The casting director doesn't talk to friends, she only talks to agents. Phoebe: What a sad little life she must lead. Okay, ooh . Joey: What, what are you doing? What are you doing? Phoebe: No, no, no, I know, I know, ooh. 'Hi, this is Katelynn, from Phoebe Buffay's office. Um, is um, Ann there for Phoebe, she'll know what it's about.' Joey: Hang up, hang up. Phoebe: 'Annie! Hi. Listen we got a problem with Joey Tribbiani, apparently he missed his audition. Who did you speak to in my office? Estelle, no, I don't know what I'm going to do with her. No. All right, so your husband leaves and burns down the apartment, the world does not stop.' Chandler: Is anybody else scared? Phoebe: Chandler: Get the woman a pad! Get the woman a pad! A pad! A pad! Monica: Oh, now you want a pad. Carol and Susan: Hey!! Ross: There's my boy! Here's my boy! And here's his Barbi What's ah, what's my boy doing with a Barbi? Carol: He picked it out of the toy store himself, he loves it. Susan: He carries it everywhere, it's like a security blanket, but with ski boots and a kicky beret. Ross: Yeah, it's, it's, it's cute. Why, why, why does he have it, again? Susan: So he's got a doll? So what? Unless you're afraid he's gonna grow up and be in show business. Carol: This doesn't have anything to do with the fact that he is being raised by two women, does it? Ross: You know what it's fine. If you're okay with the Barbi thing, so am I. Ross: Give daddy the Barbi! Ben, give, give me the Barbi. Okay, how 'bout, don't you want to play with the monster truck? Rachel: Ross, you are so pathetic. Why can't your son just play with his doll? Monica: I gotta go to work. Has anybody seen my left boob? Joey: I love that movie. Monica: There it is. Joey, what are you doing? Joey: I'm sorry, it just felt nice. Chandler: Joe. Joe! Answer the phone. Joey: Hey, I only got one good arm, you know. You should be doing stuff for me. Go get me a sweater. Chandler: Just do it! Okay, it's Janice and if I get it I'm going to have to see her tonight. Oh, that's great I'm gonna have to see her tonight. Rachel: What's the big deal? Why don't you wanna see Janice? Chandler: Okay, last night at dinner, when the meals came, she put half her chicken piccata on my plate and took my tomatoes. Ross: And that's bad because..., you hate chicken piccata? Chandler: Noo. Ross: You didn't want to share your tomatoes, tomatoes are very important to you. Chandler: No, it's like all of the sudden, we were this couple. And this alarm started going off in my head: 'Run for your life! Get out of the building!' Rachel: Men are unbelievable. Monica: What is it with you people! I mean, the minute you start to feel something, you have to run away? Chandler: I know, that, that's why I don't want to go tonight, I'm afraid I'm going to say something stupid. Monica: Oh, you mean like that guy thing where you act mean and distant until you get us to break up with you. Joey: Hey, you know about that?! Chandler: Look what do I do? I wanna get past this, I don't wanna be afraid of the commitment thing. I wanna go through the tunnel, to the other side! Ross: Where there is no fear of commitment. Chandler: Do we have any... Do we have any thoughts here? Joey: Well, I've never been through the tunnel myself, 'cause as I understand it, you're not allowed to go through with more than one girl in the car, right. But, it seems to me it's pretty much like anything else, you know, face your fear. It have a fear of heights, you go to the top of the building! If you're afraid of bugs.....get a bug. Right. In this case, you have a fear of commitment, so I say you go in there and be the most committed guy there ever was. Rachel: Amazingly, that makes sense. Chandler: You think? Joey: Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind! Chandler: Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way. Phoebe: Oh, it's your audition from this morning. Can I use the phone again? Rachel: Sure Pheebs, you know, that's what it's there for, emergencies and pretend agents. Joey: Come on baby, come on! Phoebe: 'Hi, I have Phoebe Buffay returning a page. Okay, well, um, she's in her car I'll have to patch you through.' Rachel: Very nice touch. Phoebe: Op, went through a tunnel. Rachel: Unbelievable. Joey: Thank you so much. Phoebe: It was really fun, I mean I've never talked on a car phone before. Joey: You were amazing, could you just do me this huge favor, you see there's this one other audition that I really, really want, and Estelle couldn't get me in. Phoebe: Oh, I don't know. I mean it was fun one time. Joey: Come on, please, it'll be just this one more, well actually it's two. Phoebe: Two? Joey: Yeah! Well, well really it's three. Please. You're so good at it. I love you. Phoebe: Okay, I'll do it, but just these three, right Joey: Nooo, four. Janice: So, how come you wanted to eat in tonight? Chandler: 'Cause, I wanted to uh, give you this. Janice: Ohhh, are you a puppy! Contact paper! I never really know what to say when someone you're sleeping with gives you contact paper. Chandler: Well, wait there's, there's more. See the contact paper is to go into your brand new drawer. See, the drawer actually goes in my dresser. Janice: Oh, you didn't have to do this. Chandler: Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Because, you're my girlfriend, and that's what girlfriends should, should get. Janice: Well, I gotta buy a vowel. Because, oh my Gawd! Who, would've thought that someday, Chandler Bing would buy me a drawer. Chandler: Well, not me. But that's what's happened, and, ah, and, and there's more. We should take a trip. Janice: We should? Chandler: Yep, we're a couple and that's what couples do. And, I wanna meet your parents. We should take a trip with your parents! Janice: I don't think we need to, because you're tripping me out right now! Are you okay? Chandler: I am, I actually am. I mean this is amazing. My entire life I have feared this place, and now that I'm here it's like what was the big deal. I could probably say 'Let's move in together.' and I'd be okay. Janice: You probably want us to move in together? Chandler: It doesn't scare me! Janice: Yeah, well, it scares me! I mean I not even divorced yet, Chandler. You know, you just invited me over here for pasta, and all of the sudden you're talking about moving in together. And, and I wasn't even that hungry. You know what, it's getting a little late, and I-I should just, um... Chandler: Oh, no, no, no, don't go! I've scared ya'! I've said too much! I'm hopeless, and awkward, and desperate for love!! Commercial Break Rachel: Honey, this will help. Chandler: So, I finally catch up to her and she says this relationship is going to fast and we have to slow down. Rachel and Monica: Uff. Monica: That is never good. Chandler: Then I got all needy and clingy. Rachel: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Maybe it's not so bad. How did you leave it? Chandler: She said she'd call me. Rachel and Monica: Ohh! Chandler: Oh God. Monica: Welcome to our side of the tunnel. Chandler: This ice cream tastes like crap by the way. Rachel: Yeah, well that's that lo-cal, non dairy, soy milk junk. We sort of, we save the real stuff for those really terminal cases. Monica: You know, when you start get screwed over all the time, you gotta switch to low-fat. Rachel: Yeah, you do. Chandler: So, you don't think I'm terminal? Monica: Well, no, not at all, you're not terminal, you just, you just need some damage control. Chandler: Okay, okay. So, should I call her? Rachel and Monica: Nooo! Rachel: This is a very critical time right now. If you feel yourself reaching for that phone, then you go shoe shopping, you get your butt in a bubble bath. You want her back you have to start acting aloof. Monica: She has to know that your not ready. Rachel: Right. So, what you have to do is, you have to accidentally run into her on purpose. And then act aloof. Chandler: So I'm not, not gonna lose her? Rachel: Oooh, honey, you're not a total loser. Chandler: I said, 'So I'm not gonna lose her?' Rachel: Oh. Ross: Guess who's here. It's the toughest guy in toy land, Ben. 'A real American hero. I'm G.I. Joe!' Drop the Barbi, drop the Barbi. Rachel: G.I. Joe? Do you really think he's gonna fall for that? Joey: G. I. Joe! Cool! Can I play? Ross: Look Ben, it's a toy that protects U.S. oil interests overseas! Joey and Ross: Go Joe!!! Phoebe: Joey: Pheebs! There you are! Phoebe: No it's not, sorry. Joey: But Phoebe, wait! Wait! Phoebe. Phoebe! Phoebe: Oh, Joey! Oh, okay, see I didn't recognize you wearing, in those....pants. Joey: Look listen, that TV movie I went in for? Did you hear anything? I think I got a shot at it. Phoebe: Yes! They called and you didn't get it! Okay, I mean you didn't get it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Joey: It's okay, these things happen. Phoebe: But they shouldn't happen, you know what, you're, you're in a terrible, terrible business. Oh God, I don't wanna be the person who makes your face look like that. Joey: I'm, I'm okay. See. Phoebe: Oh, now you're sad and creepy, oh. You know what, I, I'm sorry I quit, okay, I just quit. Joey: No! No, no you can't quit! You're the best agent I ever had! Look Pheebs, rejection is part being an actor, you can't take it personally. Phoebe: Not personal, really, well they said that they never met an Italian actor with a worse Italian accent. Joey: They actually said that? Phoebe: Yeah. Ooh God, there's that face again! See I can't do this job! I... Joey: No, no, no, see that's why you have to do this job, agents always lie. You know, Estelle just says stuff like 'They went another way', but this, I can use this. I canna work on a new accent. Phoebe: Yeah okay, no if it helps you okay. Yeah. Ross: Janice: Chandler! Chandler: Hello, Janice. Janice: What are you doing here? Chandler: Oh, just a bit of shopping. How've you been? Janice: Are you being British?! Chandler: No. Not anymore. Janice: Why are you shopping here? You don't live in this neighborhood. Were you here waiting for me? Chandler: Yeah, huh. I'm just uh, you know I'm just picking up some things for a party. Janice: Barley? What kind of party serves barley? Chandler: Well, I'm sorry if my friends aren't as sophisticated as yours. Janice: Where is this party? Chandler: Here in Chelsea. Janice: Who's party is it? Chandler: A woman's Janice: What woman?! Chandler: Chelsea. Janice: Okay, you know, one of two things is happening here. Either you're seeing somebody behind my back, which would make you the biggest jerk on the planet. Or, else you're pretending that you're seeing somebody, which just makes you so pathetic that I could start crying right here in the cereal aisle. So like which of these two guys do you want to be? Chandler: Can I be that guy? Phoebe: Okay, so we got some more good rejections, lots of stuff to work on. Joey: Okay, shoot. Phoebe: Okay, um, oh, the zoo commercial. Joey: I didn't get it? Phoebe: No. They said you 'Weren't believable as a human being.' So, you can work on that. Joey: Okay, what else? Phoebe: Um, the off-Broadway play people said 'You were pretty but dumb.' Joey: Oh. Phoebe: Oh no wait, I'm sorry, that's 'pretty dumb.' Joey: Look, it's okay, no, no, no, really, look um, I really appreciate this Pheebs, but I think I'm gonna have to go back to Estelle. Phoebe: Oh. Joey: Yeah, well don't get me wrong, you're a better agent than she is, but at least with her I don't want to blow my pretty dumb brains out. Phoebe: Yeah, no, I understand. Joey: You do, thanks. Phoebe: Yeah. Sorry. Joey: Wait a minute. Phoebe: What? Joey: Wait a minute, did you just make up all that stuff just to get out of being my agent. Phoebe: Oh, you caught me. I am so busted. Joey: That's-ah what I suspected-ah. Chandler: ....And then I just, you know, threw the bag of barley at her, and ran out of the store. Monica: My God! Chandler, we said be 'aloof' not 'a doof'. Chandler: I've actually ruined this haven't I? It's time for the good ice cream now, right? Rachel: Yeah, it is. Monica: You know what, everything's gonna be okay. Chandler: Okay, what do I do? Rachel: Shhh...I don't know what to do, this is totally unprecedented. Monica: If-if-if we ever did what you did a man would never call. Rachel: Yeah. Chandler: Hello! Monica: Oh wait, you know what, I got it, I got it, pretend like you just woke up, okay, that will throw her off. Be sleepy. Rachel: Yes, and grumpy. Chandler: What are you, stop naming dwarves! Really?! Rachel: He's soo lucky, if Janice were a guy, she'd be sleeping with somebody else by now. Chandler: I love you too. Monica: Aw, it's soo unfair. Carol: G. I. Joe. G. I. Joe?! Ross: Hey, I don't know what to tell you guys that's the doll he chose. Susan: What'd you do, dip it in sugar? Ross: Look, G. I. Joe's in, Barbi's out. And if you guys can't deal with it, that's your 'too bad.' Monica: What are you being such a weenie for? So he has a Barbi, big deal. You used to dress up like a woman. Ross: What? Monica: Well, you used to dress up in Mom's clothes all the time. Ross: What are you talking about? Monica: The big hat, the pearls, the little pick handbag. Ross: Okay, you are totally making this up. Monica: How can you not remember? You made us call you...Bea. Ross: Oh God. Susan: I've literally never been this happy. Monica: Wasn't there a little song? Carol: Oh please God, let there be a song. Ross: There was no song. There was no song! Monica: 'I am Bea.' Ross: Okay. Monica: 'I drink tea.' Ross: Okay, that's, that's enough. Monica: '....Won't you, won't you, won't you.... ' Ross: Won't you dance around with me. Monica: A-ha!!! Closing Credits Young Ross: Young Monica: End Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey-hey-hey. So what happened? A forest tick you off? Joey: No. Y'know how we’re always saying we need a place for the mail. Chandler: Yeah! Joey: Well, I started building one. But then I decided to take it to the next step. Chandler: You’re building a post office? Joey: No, an entertainment unit, with a mail cubby built right in. It’s a one day job, max. Chandler: Okay. My word! Those are snug. Joey: Oh yeah. These are my old work pants, Sergio Valente’s. Joey: Power saw kinda got away from me there. Opening Credits Rachel: Hey Pheebs. Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Any sign of your brother? Phoebe: No, but he’s always late. Rachel: I thought you only met him once? Phoebe: Yeah, I did. I think it sounds y'know big sistery, y'know, ‘Frank’s always late.’ Rachel: Well relax, he’ll be here. Phoebe: No, I know, I’m just nervous. Y'know it’s just y'know Mom’s dead, don’t talk to my sister, Grandma’s been sleeping a lot lately. It’s like the last desperate chance to have a family, y'know, kinda thing. You’re so sweet to wait with me. Rachel: Well, actually Gunther sent me. You’re not allowed to have cups out here, it’s a thing. Chandler: Does anyone else think David Copperfield is cute? Monica: No, but he told me, he thinks your a fox. Chandler: All right, Janice, likes him. In fact she likes him so much she put him on her freebie list. Joey: Her what? Chandler: Well, we have a deal, where we each get to pick five celebrities that we can sleep with, and the other one can’t get mad. Ross: Ah, the heart of every healthy relationship. Honesty, respect, and sex with celebrities. Monica: So, Chandler, who’s on your list? Chandler: Ah, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and ah, Jessica Rabbit. Rachel: Now, you do realize that she’s a cartoon, and way out of your league? Chandler: I know, I know, I just always wondered if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head. Joey: Hey, Monica, who would yours be? Monica: First, I need a boyfriend, then I can have a list. Joey: It’s just a game Mon. Rach, how about you? Rachel: Oh, I don’t know, I guess, Chris O’Donnel, John F. Kennedy, Jr., Daniel Day Lewis, Sting, and Parker Stevenson. Ross: Spiderman? Rachel: Hardy Boy. Chandler: Peter Parker. Ross: Thank you. Rachel: What about you honey, who would be on your list? Ross: Well I-I-I, that kind of thing requires some serious thought. First, I’ll divide my perspective canidates into catergories.... Chandler: What a geek! Phoebe: Everbody this is Frank! This is my half-brother Frank. All: Oh, hi. Phoebe: This is everybody. This is Ross. Frank: How are you? Ross: Hey. Phoebe: Chandler. Chandler: Hi. Frank: Hi. Phoebe: Joey. Joey: Hey-hey! Frank: Hey. Phoebe: This is Monica. Frank: Whoa! Phoebe: And this is Rachel. Rachel: Hi! Frank: Whoa!! Phoebe: I’m gonna get coffee. Frank: Hey, how do you guys get anything done? Chandler: We don’t, really. Rachel: Well, so, now, do you guys have a lot of big plans? Phoebe: Oh yeah! Yeah, no, we’re gonna connect, y'know bond, and everything. Frank: Yeah, I was thinking that maybe we could go down to Time Square and pick up some ninja stars. And, oh, um, my friend Larry, he wants me to take a picture of a hooker. Chandler: You know, we don’t really take advantage of living in the city. Joey: I know. Joey: Oh, I’m sorry. Did I get ‘ya? Chandler: No, you didn’t get me!! It’s an electric drill, you get me, you kill me!! Joey: Calm down, do you want this unit or not? Chandler: I do NOT want this unit!! Joey: Well, you should’ve told me that before, I’m not a mind reader. Hey, we’re out of beer. I’m going to Monica’s. Chandler: Fine! Monica: Hey! Where ‘ya headin’ in those pants? 1982? Joey: Oh Monica, listen, I ah, I saw down at the hardware store, they got those designer tiles on sale. If you ever want to redo the bathroom floor. Monica: Why, what’s wrong with my bathroom floor? Joey: Nothing. It’s just old and dingy, that’s all. Monica: I highly doubt that. Joey: Oh yeah. If you ah, move your hamper, you see what color the tile used to be. Yeah. Monica: I can’t live like this! What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? Joey: Relax. Here hold this Monica: That’s a little more than I wanted to see. Joey: Monica: I can’t leave it! You gouged a hole in my dingy floor. Joey: Eh! There you go. Monica: You know that’s nice, y'know we could put it back there after the surgeons remove it from your colon! Phoebe: Oh, ew! Frank: What? Phoebe: Yeah I know what I wanted to ask you. Um, can you roll your tongue? Because I can, and my Mom couldn’t, and I thought y'know, I figured that was something I got from our Dad. Frank: What, wait, you mean like this? Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. You can do it to. Frank: Your not doing it. Phoebe: Oh right, yeah okay, my Mom could, and I can’t. We don’t have that.... Frank: When’s your birthday? Phoebe: Feburary 16th. Frank: I know a guy who’s the 18th. Phoebe: Wow, that’s close. When’s yours? Frank: October 25th. Phoebe: That’s the same month as Halloween. So, um, what kinda things do you like to do at home? Frank: Melt stuff. Ross: Okay, I’ve got three of my five. Rachel: Three of your five, what? Ross: Celebrities I’m allowed to sleep with. Rachel: Oh my God! You are giving this a lot of thought. Ross: Yeah, it’s hard okay, I only have two spots left. Chandler: All right, so who do you got it narrowed down to? Ross: Okay, Elizabeth Hurely.... Chandler: Oooh-hoo, very attractive, forgiving. Ross: Susan Sarandon. Chandler: Eh, y'know what, she’s to political, she probably wouldn’t let you do it, unless you donated four cans of food first. Ross: And!! Isabella Rosselini. Chandler: Ooh-hoo. Very hot, very sexy. But ah, y'know she’s too international, y'know she’s never gonna be around. Rachel: So? Chandler: So, you gotta play the odds, pick somebody who’s gonna be in the country like all the time. Rachel: Yeah, ‘cause that’s why you won’t get Isabella Rosselini, geography. Phoebe: Okay so, by melting, you meant melting. Frank: Yeah. Phoebe: So is it like art? Frank: Yeah, you can melt art. Hey, can I use your phone? Phoebe: Um, yeah sure. Why you wanna call your Mom? Frank: No, I wanna melt it. Phoebe: Oh, well um, not right now. Y'know I’m just gonna go to bed, I think the fumes are giving me a headache. Frank: Yeah! Phoebe: G’night, bro. Frank: G’night. Phoebe: Here. Y'know, just in case. Frank: Oh, excellent. Commercial Break Monica: What kind of karate is that? Phoebe: No kind. He just makes it up. Monica: So how’s it going with you guys? Phoebe: So far, it kinda blows. I don’t know, I just thought y'know that he’d feel more like a brother y'know, like you and Ross, just like close and connected and.... Monica: Oh honey, we’re close now but you-you wouldn’t believe the years of-of nugies, and wedgies, and flying wedgies, and atomic wedgies, and.... That’s where the waistband actually goes over your head. Phoebe: Ah!! Monica: Oh, we used to drive each other crazy playing the shadow game. Phoebe: Oh, how do you play the shadow game? Monica: Oh, how do you play the shadow game? Phoebe: I just asked you. Monica: I just asked you. Phoebe: I don’t have time for this. Monica: No, that is what the game is. Phoebe: Which you just gave up really quickly. Chandler: Have you seen Joey? Monica: What’s the matter? Chandler: Oh, just this! Y’know what it’s my fault really, because the couch is usually where we keep the varnish. Joey: Hey, does somebody wanna hand me one of those tiles. Chandler: What’s going on? Monica: He’s retiling my floor. Chandler: Yo!! Spackel boy! Get up! Monica: Ah-ah-ah, now you started this, you will finish it. Chandler: He started mine first! Phoebe: Build the unit Cinderelly, lay the tile Cinderelly. Frank: Whoa! Big octopus. Phoebe: Yeah. Um, Frank, I’m really sorry but I have to go to work. It’s-it’s one of my regulars and he’s insisting that I do ‘um. Frank: Hey, what kind of work do you do? Phoebe: Oh! I’m a masseuse. I give people massages and stuff. Frank: You-you work at one of those massage parlors? Phoebe: Well, y'know we don’t call it that, but yeah! Frank: Wow! That’s wild! No, I had no idea. Phoebe: All righty. I’ll be back in-in a little bit. Unless you wanna come with me? Frank: You mean like watch? Phoebe: No, no, you can get one yourself. It’ll be on the house! Y'know what are big sisters for? Frank: Well, I don’t think this, y'know. Phoebe: No, no, no, I wouldn’t do you myself, I mean that would be weird. Yeah, no, I’ll get one of the other girls to do it. Oh, this will be so much fun! Hey! Are you excited? Frank: Yeah! Hey, do Monica and Rachel work there? Monica: It’s beautiful! It’s like the first bathroom floor there ever was. Whoa! Are you going in there for? Chandler: What, like a number? Ross: Hey! Chandler: Hi! Bye! Ross: Okay, I’m done with my choices, these are final. Rachel: Well, it’s about time. Joey: Ooh, very official. Ross: Oh, yeah, well y'know Chandler printed it up on his computer. Monica: And who laminated it? Ross: That would be me. Rachel: All right let me see. Uma Thurman, Winona Ryder, Elizabeth Hurely, Michelle Pfieffer, and Dorothy Hammel? Ross: Hey, it’s my list. Rachel: Okay honey, you do realize she only spins like that on ice. Frank: Ow!-Ow!-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Y'know, ow! Phoebe: Hey!-Hey! What’s going on? Frank: She broke my arm. Girl: He touched my fanny. Frank: No, she touched mine first! Girl: That’s my job! Frank: So wait, what’s the deal here, I can have sex with you, but I can’t touch you? Phoebe and Girl: Ewww!!! Phoebe: You can’t have sex with her! Girl: What’d you think I was, a hooker? Frank: No, your a masseuse, it’s cool, I’m not a cop. Phoebe: Okay, Jasmine, can you, can you ask Mr. Whiffler if he can wait for like five minutes. Jasmine: Fine. Phoebe: So that’s what you thought I did!! God! That’s not what I do! Frank: Wait that’s-that’s, what that’s not what you do? Phoebe: Nooo! Why would you think that? Frank: I don’t know, I mean, y'know, this is the city y'know, I just, I mean, I don’t know. Phoebe: Whatever, it’s the perfect end to the perfect weekend anyways. Frank: Oh, wait, no your right, no it was perfect and I can’t believe that I screwed it up so bad. Phoebe: You really thought it was perfect? Frank: Well, no, maybe-maybe it wasn’t perfect, but y'know it was pretty cool, y'know, ‘cause we had all those great talks y'know. Phoebe: Yeah, um, which ones in particular were great for you? Frank: Well y'know about the tongue thing, y'know, and how I told you about my likes and my dislikes... Phoebe: I don’t.... Frank: How-how I like to melt stuff, and how I dislike stuff that doesn’t melt. Phoebe: Right, okay, um-mm. Frank: Yeah, y'know I feel like I can really talk to you ‘cause y'know you’re my sister, y'know. Phoebe: Yeah, I guess I do, yeah. Frank: Then I go feel your friend up and make you mad at me. Phoebe: Well, I-I wasn’t hopping mad, y'know. Frank: You hopped a little bit. Yeah, I really sorry. Phoebe: Okay. All right, this is my favourite part of the weekend, right now, this. Frank: This? Phoebe: Uh-huh. Frank: Oh come on we went, we went to Time Square, we found ninja stars, I almost got arm broken by a hooker... Phoebe: She wasn’t a hooker. Frank: Well, when I tell my friends about her she will be. Chandler: Okay, on three. One....Two.... Joey: Why don’t we just go on two. Chandler: Why two? Joey: Because it’s faster. Chandler: Yeah, I coulda counted to three like four times without all this ‘two’ talk. Rachel: Oh! Joey: All right, but in the future... Ross: Okay!! Okay!! Rachel: Come on! Ross: Heavy thing, not getting lighter! Chandler: Okay, one...two... Joey: So we are going on two? All: All right!! Chandler: Oh, good job Joe. Joey: Wow, it’s big! Chandler: Yeah-yeah, so big that it actually makes our doors look smaller! Joey: Maybe, my ruler’s wrong. Phoebe: Maybe all the rulers are wrong. Joey: Look it’s not that bad. So what, it blocks a little of your door, a little of my door. Chandler: Yeah, y'know what I got a better idea. How-how ‘bout it blocks none of mine door and a lot of yours? Joey: Yeah, listen, before I forget that side is still wet. Rachel: Okay sir, um-mm, let see if I got this right. Ah, so this is a half-caf, double tall, easy hazel nut, non-fat, no foam, with whip, extra hot latte, right? You freak. Ross: Thank you. Isabella: Um, coffee to go, please. (Ross recognises her and goes over to the couch, mouthing ‘Oh my God’ Ross: Isabella Rosselini. Monica: Are you serious? Oh my God. Ross: Damn! I can’t believe I took her off my list. Monica: Why? ‘Cause otherwise you’d go for it? Ross: Yeah, maybe. Rachel: Oh-oh, you lie. Ross: What you don’t think I’d go up to her? Rachel: Ross, it took you ten years to finally admit you liked me. Ross: Yeah, well missy, you better be glad that list is laminated. Rachel: You know what honey, you go ahead, we’ll call her an alternate. Ross: Okay, hold my crawler. Rachel: Okay. Monica: Rach, are you really gonna let him do this? Rachel: Honey, he’s about to go hit on Isabella Rosselini. I’m just sorry we don’t got popcorn. Ross: Or maybe reimburse you for that one? Isabella: Aren’t you with that girl over there? Ross: Well, yeah, kinda. Um, but that’s okay, see we have an understanding, um, see we each have this list of five famous people, so I’m allowed to sleep with you. No, no, no, it’s flattery. Isabella: I’m sorry. Ross: Oh no, no, no, wait, wait, Isabella. Don’t, don’t just dismiss this so fast. I mean this is a once in a lifetime opportunity... Isabella: Yeah, for you. Is that the list? Ross: Um, yeah. Isabella: May I see it? Ross: Um, no. Isabella: Come on! Ross: But, okay. Isabella: I’m not on the list! Ross: Um, see, but that’s not the final draft. Isabella: It’s laminated! Ross: Yeah, um, okay see, you were, you were on the list but my friend, Chandler brought up the very good point that you are international, so I bumped you for Wynona Rider, local. Isabella: Y'know it’s ironic... Ross: What? Isabella: ...because I have a list of five goofy coffee house guys and yesterday I bumped you for that guy over there. Ross: We’re just gonna be friends. Closing Credits Joey: Y'know what? Chandler: Umm? Joey: I bet ‘ya ya I could fit in there. Chandler: I’ve got five bucks says you can’t. Joey: Get out your checkbook, mister. Chandler: Oh, I think I have the cash. Joey: You are dogged man! I totally fit! Chandler: Yeah, you got me. Here you go. Joey: Thank you. Cha-ching! And the drinks are on me! End {Transcriber's Note: Rachel has two friends that are not named, so I referred to them as Friend No. 1 and Friend No. 2.} Janice: Janice has a question. Who of the six of you has sleep with the six of you? Phoebe: Wow, it’s like a dirty math problem. Ross: I’m sorry the answer there would be...none of us. Janice: Come on over the years none of you ever y'know, got drunk and stupid. Joey: Well, that’s really a different question. Janice: I’m sorry I find it hard to believe that a group of people who spends as much time together as you guys do has never bumped uglies. Joey: Well, there was that one time that Monica and Rachel got together. Monica and Rachel: What?!! Rachel: Excuse me, there was no time! Joey: Okay, but let’s say there was. How might that go? Janice: Okay, okay, well then answer me this. Has any of you ever.... almost? Rachel: Does anybody need more coffee? Ross: Yeah, I’ll take some. Joey: Hey, there’s a dog out there! Opening Credits Phoebe: Oh, that is so unfortunate. Ross: What? Phoebe: Cute naked guy is really starting to put on weight. Monica: Okay, I’ll be back in just a minute. Oh, Phoebe I’m sorry that I left lipstick marks on the phone. Phoebe: You didn’t leave lipstick marks on the phone. Monica: Oh, then it must’ve been you. Bye. Phoebe: That’s why I moved out. Ross: Hey, y'know while we’re on that, when are you gonna tell my sister that you don’t live here anymore. Phoebe: I think on some levels she already knows. Ross: Phoebe, she doesn’t know that you sneak out every night, she doesn’t know that you sneak back every morning, and she doesn’t know that you’ve been living with your Grandmother’s for a week now. Phoebe: Okay, well maybe not on those levels. Chandler: Hey. Ross: Hey. Chandler: I’m never gonna find a roommate, ever. Phoebe: Why, nobody good? Chandler: Well let’s see, there was the guy with the ferrets, that’s plural. The spitter. Oh-ho, and yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he felt the need to make a little noise every time he said it. Nice to meet you, Chandler Bing Bing! Great apartment Chandler Bing, Bing! Ross: So how many more do you have tomorrow? Chandler: Two. This photographer, who seemed really dull. And this actor guy, who I’m not sure about, because when he called and I answered the phone ‘Chandler Bing,’ he said ‘Whoa-whoa, short message.’ Monica: , foot on the floor or come over no more! Ross: Sure, your dresser is missing but this she notices. Monica: What? Ross: I have to go. Yeah, Carol should be home by now, soo... Chandler: Umm, how’s it going with you guys? Ross: Oh, better, actually. Y'know I-I-I think I finally figured out why we were having so much trouble lately. Phoebe: Oh, really? Ross: Yeah, y'know how I have you guys, well she doesn’t really have any close friends that are just hers, but last week she meet this woman at the gym, Susan something, and they really hit it off, and I-I-I think it’s gonna make a difference Chandler: Soo, ah, Eric, what kind of photography do ya do? Eric: Oh, mostly fashion, so there may be models here from time to time, I hope that’s cool. Chandler: Yes, that is cool. Because I have models here y'know......never. Eric: Oh, yeah, during the summer, I spend most weekends at my sister’s beach house, which you are welcome to use by the way. Although, I should probably tell you, she’s a porn star. Chandler: Well, listen I ah, still have one more person to ah meet, but unless it turns out to be your sister, I think you’re chances are pretty good. Chandler: Bye-bye. Joey: Don’t you ah, don’t you wanna ask me any questions? Chandler: Sure. Ummm. What’s up? Joey: Well, ah, I’m an actor. I’m fairly neat. I ah, I got my own TV. Oh, and don’t worry I’m totally okay with the gay thing. Chandler: What gay thing? Joey: Ah, y'know just in general people being gay, thing. I’m totally cool with that. Chandler: Well okay Jerry, thanks for stopping by. Monica: Hi. Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey, Mon. Monica: Hey-hey-hey. You wanna hear something that sucks. Chandler: Do I ever. Monica: Chris says they’re closing down the bar. Chandler: No way! Monica: Yeah, apparently they’re turning it into some kinda coffee place. Chandler: Just coffee! Where are we gonna hang out now? Monica: Got me. Chandler: Can I get a beer. Monica: Hey, did you pick a roommate? Chandler: You betcha! Monica: Is it the Italian guy? Chandler: Um-mm, yeah right! Monica: He’s so cute. Chandler: Oh yes, and that’s what I want a roommate that I can walk around with and be referred to as the funny one. Monica: Oh look, the pool table’s free. Rack ‘em up. I’ll be back in just a minute. Get ready for me to whip your butt. Chandler: Okay, but after that, we’re shootin’ some pool. Rachel: Oh, um, no, no, no, no excuse me, hello. Hi. My friend ordered an onion, not an olive, and uh I ordered a rum and Diet Coke, which I don’t think this is. Waitress: I am so sorry. Rachel: That’s all right. I mean hard is it to get a couple drinks right, huh? Friend No. 1: Well, I would like to propose a toast to the woman, who in one year from today, become Mrs. Dr. Barry Farber DDS Rachel: Ummm, I think it’s time to see the ring again. Friend No. 2: Oh, isn’t it exciting, I mean it’s like having a boyfriend for life. Rachel: Yeah, I know. Friend No. 1: What? Rachel: Oh, I don’t know. Well maybe it’s just the idea of Barry for the rest of my life. I don’t know I think I feel like I need to have one last fling, y'know, just to sorta get it out of my system. Friend No. 1: Rachel stop! Friend No. 2: You’re so bad! Rachel: I’m serious, I really, I think I need just to have some...meaningless, sex y'know, with the next guy that I see. Chandler: Excuse, I seem to have dropped my ball. Rachel: Yeah, so? Chandler: Monica: Oh my God, I went to high school with her. Rachel! Hi! Rachel: Monica! Look! Hi! What do ya think? Monica: Oh my God, you can’t even see where the Titanic hit it. Rachel: Yes, his name is Barry, he’s a doctor, thank you very much. Monica: Awww, just like you always wanted. Congratulations Rachel: Thank you. So how-how ‘bout you, are-are you seeing anybody? Monica: Aww, not right now. Rachel: Oh, but that’s okay. Monica: I know. Rachel: Yeah. Monica: So, I’ll get-get back to my friend. Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure. Listen, can we please have lunch the next time I’m in the city? Monica: Oh, that’d be great. Rachel: Okay! Monica: Thanks. Rachel: Bye! Monica: Bye! Ten bucks says, I never see that woman again in my life. Ross: No real-, honey, really it’s fine, just g-go with Susan. Really, I, no, I think girls night out is a great idea. Okay, okay, bye Phoebe: So what are they doing? Ross: I don’t know, something girlie. Phoebe: Hey, you’re early. Monica: What are you doing with the lamp? Phoebe: I’m just taking it to be re-wired. Monica: Oh, well don’t take it to the same place you took the stereo, ‘cause they’ve had that thing for over a week. Phoebe: No, no, Mr. Heckles no one is making any noise up here. Mr. Heckles: You’re disturbing my oboe practice. Phoebe: You don’t play the oboe! Mr. Heckles: I could play the oboe! Phoebe: Then I’m gonna have to ask you to keep it down. Mr. Heckles: Who are you? Eric: Hi, I’m Eric, I’m gonna be Chandler’s new roommate. Mr. Heckles: I’m Chandler’s new roommate. Eric: I-I-I don’t think so. Mr. Heckles: I could be Chandler’s new roommate. Eric: But, he told me over the phone. Mr. Heckles: He told me in person. Eric: That’s weird. Mr. Heckles: Well, I’m going to go into my new apartment now. Monica: Hi, again. Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Monica: Thank you soo, much. Chandler: Oh, don’t thank me, thank the jerk that never showed up. Okay, I gotta get to get to work. Monica: You want some help with that? Joey: Oh, no thanks, I got it. No I don’t! Monica: Whoa! Are you okay? Joey: Whew! Stood up to fast, got a little head rush. Monica: It’s the heat. And-and the humidity. Joey: That’s a uh, that’s a tough combination. Monica: Do you wanna come in for some lemonade? Joey: Like you wouldn’t believe. Wow! This is a great place. Monica: Thank you. Just make yourself comfortable. Joey: Gotcha. Monica: This place is really my Grandmother’s. I got it from her when she moved to Florida, otherwise I could never afford a place like this. So if the landlord ever asks, I’m 87 year old woman, who’s afraid of her VCR. So are you thirsty? Joey: Oh, you bet I am! Monica: Okay, here’s your penis! Commercial Break Monica: Oh my God!!! What are you doing?!! Joey: You said, you wanna come in for some lemonade? Monica: So?! Joey: Whoa, ah!! We’re you just gonna give me some lemonade? Monica: Yeah huh!! Cover yourself up! Joey: Oh right, right. Monica: I don’t believe this! When someone asks you in for lemonade, and to you that means they wanna have sex? Joey: Well usually...yeah! Well, not just lemonade, iced tea, sometimes juice. Well, sorry, I just, I thought you liked me. I’m such a jerk. Monica: It’s okay. I suppose it could happen to anyone, not anyone I know, but... By the way I can still see it. Monica: Pheebs? Phoebe: Huh? Monica: Where’s your bed? Phoebe: It’s not in the apartment? Oh no. I can’t believe this is happening again. Monica: What? Phoebe: Okay, enough with the third degree! I-I’ve, I don’t live here anymore. Monica: What are you talking about? Phoebe: I’m sorry, I-I-I-I don’t live here anymore. I-I didn’t know how to tell you, but y'know everybody else knows! Monica: Everybody knows! Phoebe: That was supposed to be a good thing, I forget why. Just listen, Monica, I, do you know, okay, do you know, I couldn’t sleep for like a month because I got like a dot of ink on one of the sofa cushions. Monica: Well, you-you coulda just turned the cushion over. Phoebe: Yeah, I would’ve except I had a big spaghetti stain on the other side. Monica: What?!?! Phoebe: Okay, this is what I’m talking about, this. I-I need to live in a land where people can spill. Monica: You can spill. In the sink. Phoebe: Aw, honey it’s not your fault, y'know this is who you are, and I love you, and I want us to be friends, and if I keep living here I don’t see that happening. Monica: I love you, too. Phoebe: Aww, good. What? Monica: What? I’m just said. Phoebe: No you’re not, you’re wondering which cushion it is. Chandler: So ah, whatcha watching? Joey: Baywatch. Chandler: What’s it about? Joey: Lifeguards. Chandler: Well, it sounds kinda stupid... Who’s she? Joey: Nicole Eggert. You'll like her. Chandler: Wow! Look at them run. Joey: They do that a lot. Hey, you want a beer? Chandler: Yeah, I’ll go get one. Joey: No, no, no, don’t get up, I got a cooler right here. Chandler: Well, hello! Monica: Hey. Chandler: Do you have any beers? We’re out of beers. Monica: Help yourself. Chandler: You okay? Monica: Phoebe moved out. Chandler: Right. Monica: I don’t understand, I mean am I so hard to live, is this why I don’t have a boyfriend? Chandler: Noo!! You don’t have a boyfriend because....I don’t, I don’t know why you don’t have a boyfriend. You should have a boyfriend. Monica: Well, I think so. Chandler: Oh-ho, come here. Listen, you are one of my favourite people and the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known in real life. Ross: Hi. Where is everybody? Phoebe: Oh, it’s already closed, Chris gave me the keys to lock up-what is wrong? Ross: My marriage, I think my marriage is um, is kinda over. Phoebe: Oh no! Why? Ross: ‘Cause Carol’s a lesbian. And, and I’m not one. And apparently it’s not a mix and match situation. Phoebe: Oh my God! I don’t believe it! Oh, you poor bunny. Ross: I’m an idiot. I mean shoulda seen it, I mean Carol and I’d be out and she’d, she’d see some beautiful woman, and, and she’d be Ross y'know look at her, and I’d think, God, my wife is cool! Phoebe: Aw! Hey, do you think that Susan person is her lover? Ross: Well, now I do!! Phoebe: I’m sorry. Ross: Seven years. I mean we’ve been together seven years, she’s the only woman who’s ever loved me, and the only woman I’ve-I’ve ever.... Phoebe: Aw, God Ross. Oh. Chandler: Umm, this is nice. Monica: I know, it is isn’t it? Chandler: No, I mean it, this feels really good. Is it a hundred percent cotton? Monica: Yeah! And I got it on sale, too. Chandler: Anyway, I should go, one of the lifeguards was just about to dismantle a nuclear device. Monica: Well, if you wanna get a drink later we can. Chandler: Oh yeah, that sounds great. Oh, and listen, it’s, it’s gonna be.... Monica: I know. Thanks. Ross: Maybe this would’ve happened if I’d been more nurturing, or I’d paid more attention, or I... had a uterus. I can’t believe this! Phoebe: I know no, no, y'know you don’t deserve this, you don’t Ross. You’re, you’re really, you’re so good. Ross: Thanks. Phoebe: And you’re so sweet. Ross: Thanks. Ross: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Phoebe: Huh? Phoebe: Okay, it’s okay. Phoebe: Oh. Ross: Wait, wait, wait. Phoebe: What? Ross: My foot is stuck in the pocket. Phoebe: What? Ross: No, I can’t get it out. Phoebe: Well, that’s not something a girl wants to hear. Ross: No, come on don’t start. Ouch! Phoebe: What? Ross: Stupid balls are in the way. Ross: Oh well. It probably would’ve been the most constructive solution. Phoebe: You have chalk on your face. Ross: Huh? Phoebe: Oh, Ross you’re right, I don’t know why I always thought this was real grass. Monica: Hey, are you okay? Ross: My wife’s a lesbian. Joey: Cool!! Chandler: Ross-Joey, Joey-Ross. Ross: Hi. Closing Credits Chandler: I can’t believe you came back. Rachel: Don’t say anything. I don’t wanna speak, I don’t wanna think. I just want you to take me and kiss me and make love to me right here, right now. Friend No. 2: Rachel! Rachel! Rachel: What? Friend No. 2: You missed the exit! Rachel: Oh, sorry. Friend No. 1: My God, what were you thinking about? Rachel: Um, Barry. Her Friends: Awwww!! End Written by: Seth Kurland Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Ross: So I told Carl, ‘Nobody, no matter how famous their parents are, nobody is allowed to climb on the dinosaur.’ But of course this went in one ear and out..... Rachel: I love how he cares so much about stuff. If I squint I can pretend he’s Alan Alda. Monica: Oh good, another dinosaur story. When are those gonna become extinct? Chandler: If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible, that would be the best. Gunther: What does Rachel see in this guy? I love Rachel. I wish she was my wife. Phoebe: Who’s singing? Opening Credits Ross: Hey. When you guys were kids and you played Happy Days, who were you? I was always Richie. Monica: I was always Joanne. Joey: Question. Was ah, ‘Egg the Gellers!’ the war cry of your neighbourhood? Phoebe: Ewww! Oh! It’s the Mattress King! Joey: Booo!! Chandler: Don’t look honey. Change the channel! Change the channel! Janice: Wait! Wait! I wanna see this. After I divorce him, half of that kingdom is gonna be mine. Matress King: ‘Despair fills the mattress showroom. My kingdom is suddenly without a queen. I’m so depressed I’m going to slash... my prices!! Check it out! Four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set! I’m going medieval on prices! Chandler: What a wank! Janice: Oh, I cannot believe he’s using our divorce to sell mattresses. Monica: I know! And four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set, who cares about the divorce, those babies will sell themselves. And I’m appalled for you by the way. Matress King: I’m close. I’m cheap. I’m the king. Rachel: ‘Okay. Ross: We? Rachel: Are ah, having dinner with my Dad tomorrow night, I hope that’s okay. Ross: Oh shoot, tomorrow’s not so good, I’m supposed to um, fall off the Empire State building and land on a bicycle with no seat. Sorry. Rachel: Ross, my father doesn’t hate you. Ross: Please, he refers to me as ‘wethead’. Rachel: But honey he calls everybody by a nickname! Okay, look, I know, all right, just one dinner, please, just one night for me, please. I just want him to love you like I do. All right, well not exactly like I do, but, but, if you do come to dinner, I’ll love you like I do in that black thing that you like. Chandler: I’ll go. Ross: Fine. Rachel: Thank you. Ross: Hi Gunther. Gunther: Yeah, we’ll see! Joey: Hey, you guys! Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Guess what? Ross: What? Joey: I got a gig! All: Yay!! Chandler: See, that’s why I could never be an actor. Because I can’t say gig. Phoebe: Yeah, I can’t say croissant. Oh my God! Monica: What’s the part? Joey: Well, it’s not a part, no. I’m teaching acting for soap operas down at the Learning Extension. Ross: Come on! That’s great. All: Wow! Joey: Yeah, yeah. It’s like my chance to give something back to the acting community. Ross: Y’know your probably not allowed to sleep with any of your students. Joey: I know! Phoebe: Ugh! I don’t know Monica. It feels funny just being here. I mean if you buy a bed from Janice’s ex-husband, that’s like betraying Chandler. Monica: Not at these prices. Phoebe: Woo! Monica: Oh! Ohhhhh! Oh! Phoebe, come here. Aw, this is my new bed. You gotta feel this bad boy. Phoebe: Eh, Monica it, it feels so weird, y'know, Chandler’s your friend... Oh! Oh my God! Aw, all right take this bed, you can make other friends. Joey: Good evening. I’m Mr. Tribbiani. And I will be teaching acting for soap operas. Now um, on my first day as Thanks, thanks, a lot. Oh, by the way, before I forget to work in soap operas some of you will have to become much more attractive. All right, moving right along. Joey: Hi! Phoebe: Hey! Ooh! How was teaching last night? Joey: Oh it was great. Yeah, you get to say stuff like, ’Hey, the bell doesn’t dismiss you, I dismiss you.’ Phoebe: Ooooh, nice. Joey: Oh, and guess what, I got an audition for All My Children. Phoebe: Oh, yay! Joey: Yeah, it’s this great part, this boxer named Nick. And I’m so, so right for it, y'know, he’s just like me. Except he’s a boxer, and has an evil twin. Phoebe: Oh. Guy: Dom da-da dom! Here ye! Here ye! Delivery from the Mattress King. You Miss Geller? Phoebe: Okay. Guy: Sign here. Phoebe: Oh, do I have a middle name. All right Monica Velula Geller. It’s that bedroom there. Joey: Hey, Monica bought a bed from the Mattress King? Phoebe: Yeah, so please, please, please, don’t say anything to Chandler. Joey: You want me to lie to Chandler? Phoebe: Is that a problem? Joey: No. Phoebe: Oh, hey, hey Nick the boxer let’s see what you got. All right ya, put ‘em up. Come on. Joey: Hey, you’re ah, pretty good at this. Phoebe: Yeah, well I had to learn, I was staying at the Y and some off the young men weren’t acting Christian enough. Joey: Ahh! Joey: Hey now! Joey: Hey!!! Oww!! And I’m bleeding. Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh! Joey: Okay, great. Phoebe: Wow! And I’m a vegetarian! All right, all right, well I’m sorry, we’ll put some ice on it. Joey: Okay. Phoebe: ‘Kay, put your head back. Joey: All right. I can’t see. Phoebe: All right, I have ya. Oh God. Guy: Which bedroom do ya want it in Miss Geller? Phoebe: Oh, it’s the compulsively neat one by the window, okay. Guy: Gotcha. Rachel: Hi Daddy! Dr. Green: This where they put it? What, there no table available in the kitchen! Hello, baby. Rachel: You remember Ross. Dr. Green: Um-hmm. Ross: Nice to see you again Dr. Green. Dr. Green: So! How’s the library? Ross: Ugh, museum. Dr. Green: What happened to the library? Ross: There never was a library. I mean there are libraries, its just that I ah, I never worked at one. Dr. Green: You know what’s really good here, the lobster. What do you say shall I just order three. Ross: Yeah, if you’re really hungry. It was a joke, I made a joke. Rachel: Yeah, actually Daddy Ross is allergic to lobster. Dr. Green: What kind of person is allergic to lobster? I guess the kind of person that works at a library. Ross: It’s not a library... Dr. Green: Ross: So, Dr. Green, how’s the old boat. Dr. Green: They found rust. You know what rust does to a boat? Ross: It gives it a nice antiquey look. Dr. Green: Rust, is boat cancer, Ross. Ross: Wow. I’m sorry, when I was a kid I lost a bike to that. Dr. Green: Excuse me for a moment, will you please, I want to say good night to the Levines, before we go. Rachel: Okay. Ross: Okay! Rachel: Aw honey stop! It’s not that bad. Ross: Yeah. Op! Uh-oh! I think your Dad must’ve added wrong. He only tipped like four percent. Rachel: Yeah. That’s Daddy. Ross: That’s Daddy?! But doesn’t it bother you? You’re a waitress. Rachel: Yes, it bothers me Ross, but y'know if he was a regular at the coffee house, I’d be serving him sneezers. Ross: So? Rachel: So. Ross, I’ve bugged him about this a million times, he’s not gonna change. Ross: You really serve people sneezers? Rachel: Well um, I don’t. Dr Green: You kids ready? Ross: Thanks again, Dr. Green. Dr. Green: All right. Dr. Green: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, I think I forgot my receipt. Ross: Oh, ah, you don’t need that. Dr. Green: Why not? Ross: The carbon, it’s messy, I mean it gets on your fingers and causes, the, the ah, night blindness. Dr. Green: What is this? Who put a twenty down here? Huh? Ross: Oh, yeah, that would be me, um, I have, I have a problem I-I tip way too much, way, way, too much, it’s a sickness really. Rachel: Yeah it is, it is. We really, really have to do something about that. Ross: I know. Dr. Green: Excuse me, you think I’m cheap? Rachel: Oh Daddy, no he didn’t mean anything by that, he really didn’t. Ross: Nothing I do means anything, really. Dr. Green: This is nice. I pay two hundred dollars for dinner, you put down twenty, and you come out looking like Mr. Big Shot. You really want to be Mr. Big Shot? Here, I’ll tell you what, you pay the whole bill, Mr. Big Shot, all right. Ross: Well Mr. Big Shot is better than ‘wethead’. Joey: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I’ve never been able to cry as an actor, so if I’m in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let’s say I wanna convey that I’ve just done something evil. That would be the basic ‘I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it’ And that’s how it’s done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed. Student: Hey, Mr. Trib. Joey: Hey-hey. Student: Guess what, I got an audition! Joey: Awww, one of my students got an audition. I’m so proud. Student: I was wondering if you would consider coaching me for it? Joey: You bet! What’s the part? Student: Oh it’s great, it’s a role on All My Children, Nick the boxer. Commercial Break Rachel: You had to do it, didn’t you? You couldn’t just leave it alone. Ross: Four percent. Okay. I tip more than that when there’s a bug in my food. Rachel: Ross, tonight was about the two of you getting along. Oh, would you just see my chiropractor, already. Ross: Yeah, I’m gonna go to a doctor who went to school in a mini-mall. Ross: Hey Pheebs, what are you doing? Phoebe: I’m, I’m freaking out! Monica kinda trusted me with something and she shouldn’t have! All right, I haven’t lived here in a while, so I have to ask you something. Does Monica still turn on the lights in her bedroom? Rachel: Um. yeah. Phoebe: I am soo dead. Rachel: All right, look, here’s the bottom line Ross, this is fixable, if we act fast, okay. So, I’ll invite him to brunch tomorrow and you can make nice. Ross: Look, honey, I have tried to make nice, it doesn’t work. Rachel: Okay, look, Ross, I realise that my Father is difficult, but that’s why you have got to be the bigger man here. Ross: Look sweetie, I could be the bigger man, I could be the biggest man, I could be a big, huge, giant man, and it still wouldn’t make any difference, except that I could pick your Father up and say ‘Like me! Like me tiny doctor!’ Rachel: Okay, well can’t you just try it one more time Ross? For me? For me? Ross: Rachel one brunch is not gonna solve anything. You gotta face it, okay we’re never gonna get along. Rachel: Okay, well you are just gonna have too, okay. Because I already got a Mother and a Father who cannot stay in the same room together, okay, I don’t wanna have to have a separate room for you too!! Ross: Okay, okay, okay. I’ll get the bagels. Monica: What’s this? Phoebe: Isn’t it cool! Varoom! Varoom! Monica: This is not the bed I ordered! Phoebe: I know, you must’ve won like a contest or something! Monica: Phoebe! Monica: Why is this car in my bedroom? Phoebe: I’m sorry, okay, I-I wasn’t looking, and the store says that they won’t take it back because you signed for it... Monica: When did I sign for it? Phoebe: When I was you! Y'know what, it’s all Joey’s fault, ‘cause he left his nose open! Monica: Did you make brownies today? Chandler: Knock, knock. Monica: Quick, take off your dress, he won’t notice the bed. Chandler: Hey, I’m going for sushi does anybody want.. Whoa-whoa, somebody missed the off ramp. Phoebe: It’s Monica’s bed. What? Chandler: Okay. It’s a racecar. Phoebe: So. This has always been Monica’s bed, what you’re just noticing now, how self-involved are you? Chandler: Okay, well it this bed isn’t new, how come there is plastic on the mattress? Monica: Sometimes I have bad dreams. Student: Look, I just saw my best friends brains smeared across the canvas, that’s not gonna be me, not me. Joey: Wow! That was good. That was... Tweezers? Student: No. Joey: Whoa. That was really good. Student: Thanks, any suggestions? Chandler: You told him to play the boxer gay!! Joey: Well, I-I might’ve said supergay. Chandler: You totally screwed him over. Monica: Joey, you’re this guy’s teacher. I mean how could you do this? Joey: Because, Monica, the guy’s so good, and I really, really want this part. Phoebe: Well, if you really, really want it, then it’s okay. Rachel: Hi Daddy. Dr. Green: Baby. Ross. Ross: Dr. Green. How are you? Dr. Green: Thanks for dinner last night. Ross: Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson. Dr. Green: Nice hair. What’d ya do? Swim here? Ross: Okay, that’s it, I can’t take it anymore. Rachel: What? What? He’s interested in you. He-he likes your hair, he just wants to know how you got here. Ross: Oh, please. Sweetie it’s hopeless, okay, I’m just gonna go. Rachel: What?! Ross: Look, look I’m sorry. It’s just that.... Dr. Green: Ross? What’s with the neck? Rachel: He’s got this thing. And I keep telling him to go to my chiropractor... Dr. Green: You’re still going to that chiropractor, that man couldn’t get into medical school in Extapa! Ross: Thank you! That’s what I keep saying. Rachel: Excuse me, Dr. Bobby happens to be an excellent doctor. Ross: Uh. Dr. Green: Wait a minute, his name is Dr. Bobby? Rachel: Well that’s his last name. Ross: And his first name. Dr. Green: He’s Bobby Bobby? Rachel: It’s Robert Bobby. Dr. Green: Oh. Rachel: And um, excuse me, he helps me. Ross: Oh-ho please. Ask her how? Dr. Green: What do you need help for? Rachel: With my alignment. I’ve got one leg shorter than the other. Dr. Green: Oh God! Ross: Argue with that. Rachel: What? It’s true, my right leg is two inches shorter. Dr. Green: Come on! You’re just titling! Her legs are fine! Ross: I know that! Dr. Green: So, why do you let her go to a chiropractor for? Rachel: I’m sorry, let her? Ross: What can I do, she doesn’t listen to me about renter’s insurance either. Dr. Green: Wait a minute, you don’t have renter’s insurance?! Rachel: No. Dr. Green: Well what if somebody steals something? How are you gonna run after him with one leg shorter than the other?! Ross: Hey, would you ah, would you like some juice? Dr. Green: I’d love some juice. Thanks. Ross: Okay. Wow! This is going so well. Did you see us? Did you see? Rachel: Yeah honey, I’m standing right there! Why didn’t you just tell him about the mole I haven’t got checked yet. Ross: Excellent! Joey: Thank you. Jester: Uh, may I help you? Monica: Yeah, I talked to you on the phone, I’m the lady that got stuck with the racecar bed. Jester: Look, it’s like I told you, there’s nothing I can do. You signed for it, Monica Velula Geller. Joey: All right, Jester man, look we wanna see the king. Jester: Nobody sees the king! Joey: Oh-ho-kay, I’m talking to the king. Jester: Hey! You can’t go back there! Janice: Oh my God. Closing Credits Chandler: Varrrrrroom! Hey! Watch it lady! Varrrrrrrrrrom! All right, I’ll leave. My bed’s so boring. End Rachel: Here you go Pheebs. Who else wants one of my special homemade brownies? Chandler: I will have one. Chandler: Okay, I’m not gonna have one. Ross: Neither will I. Phoebe: No, no, it’s just my tooth. Chandler: All right I’ll have one. Ross: So what’s a matter, you need a dentist? I’ve got a good one. Phoebe: No thanks, I have a good one too. I just, I, I can’t see him. Chandler: See that is the problem with invisible dentists. Ross: Why? Why can’t you go to him? Phoebe: Because, every time I go to the dentist, somebody dies. Chandler: That is so weird, because every time I go to the dentist, I look down the hygienist’s blouse. Rachel: Phoebe, what? Umm...what?! Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, first there was my aunt Mary, and then there was umm, John, my mailman, and then my, my cowboy friend ‘Albino Bob’. Rachel: And all these people actually died? Phoebe: Yes, while I was in the chair! That’s why I take such good care of my teeth now, y'know, it’s not about oral hygiene, I floss to save lives! Ross: Pheebs, come on, you didn’t kill anybody, these people just happened to die when you went to the dentist. It’s, it’s, it’s just ah, a coincidence. Phoebe: Well tell that to them. Oh! You can’t, their dead. Opening Credits Ross: Thanks, Gunther. Umm, can I get a napkin too? Gunther: Oh, like you don’t already have everything. Phoebe: Rachel: Phoebe, your in pain, would you just go to the dentist, just go. Phoebe: All right, fine, fine, but if you’re my next victim, don’t come back as a poltergeist and like suck me into the TV set. Rachel: I promise. Phoebe: Although, don’t feel like you can’t visit. Joey: Hey, is, is, is Chandler here? Ross: No, no he’s not. Monica: You guys, Joey just saw Janice kissing her ex-husband. Ross: What? So what are you going to do? I mean how, how are you going to tell Chandler? Joey: Well, I was thinking about that and I, I think the best way would be, to not. Rachel: Joey, you can’t keep this to yourself, if you know about this, you have to tell him. Joey: It’ll kill him. I mean it’ll, it’ll just kill him. Phoebe: Well, you could wait ‘til I go to the dentist, maybe I’ll kill him. Joey: Ewww! Ugly Naked Guy is using his new hammock. It’s like a Play-Doo Fat Factory. Phoebe: Well, I’m going to the dentist, so listen, okay, just be on the look out for anything that, that, that you can fall into, or, or that can fall on you, or... All right, just look out! Okay, And um, I also just wanna, I just wanna tell you all that um...... Ross: Okay, I have a problem I have to go into work for a few hours, some kids messed up the Homo Sapien display. Joey: What did they do? Ross: Well, they painted over the word ‘Sapien’ for one thing, then they rearranged the figures, let’s just leave it at that. Monica: So, do you want me to watch Ben for you? Ross: Yes, that’s what I was going to ask, thank you. Rachel: Whoa! Wait! Hello! What about me? Ross: You? You! Want to watch Ben? Joey: Hey-hey, Ross? Ross: Yeah. Joey: I’ve got a science question. Ross: Hmm? Joey: If the Homo Sapiens, were in fact ‘Homo-sapien’, is that why there extinct? Ross: Joey, Homo Sapiens are people. Joey: Hey-hey, I’m not judging. Rachel: Spoon. Come on! All right, y'know what I think he’s bored. Monica: Here. Ben, do you wanna play the airplane game, do you wanna show Rachel? Come here. Monica: Who’s so brave, you’re so brave, yes you are, you’re so brave. Rachel: Okay. Okay honey, he’s fine, he’s fine, let’s just put him down. Come here, Ben. How could you do that to him!! Ross trusted me, what is he going to say?! Monica: He’s not gonna say anything, because we’re not gonna tell him. Rachel: We’re not?! Monica: No we’re not. Rachel: All right, I like that. Monica: Okay. Rachel: So we’re okay, we’re okay, we’re okay, aren’t we? No, we’re not okay, we’re not okay, there’s a bump, there’s a bump. Monica: Oh my God! Well push it in! Push it in! Rachel: I cannot push it in! Monica: Okay, we’re gonna need a distraction. Rachel: Okay, okay, okay. Monica: I got it! Rachel: Okay. Monica: The second that Ross walks in that door, I want you take him back to your bedroom and do whatever it is that you do that makes him go, rweee!! Rachel: Or. We could put a hat on his head. Monica: A hat! Yes! We need a hat. Rachel: We need a hat.. Monica: Where are we gonna find a tiny little hat? Rachel: Oh, oh, oh, I’ll get ‘Rainy Day Bear’!! Monica: Because he’ll know what to do? Oh my God, you’re a genius! Rachel: Oh God, oh God, it’s sowed on though. Monica: Give it. Give it. Rachel: Okay. Monica and Rachel: Oh!! Rachel: Oh, it’s just like a bloodbath in here today. Chandler: Hey! Hold on a minute, hold on a second. Do you think these pearls are nice? Joey: I’d really prefer a mountain bike. Chandler: Janice’s birthday is coming up, I want to get her something speacial. Come in here with me. Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, whoa. Do you ah, want to get her something speacial, get her flowers, get her candy, get her gum, girls love gum. Chandler: That’s a good idea, ‘Dear Janice have a Hubba-Bubba birthday’. I would like to get her something serious. Joey: Oh, you want something serious. Y'know what you should do, you should get her one of those um, barium enemas. Those are dead serious. Chandler: All right. Look, I’m gonna go in here, and you don’t buy me anything ever. Joey: No, no, you can’t, you can’t, okay, you can’t, you can’t buy her pearls, you just can’t, you can’t, you can’t. Chandler: Why not?! Joey: Oh God. Uh, okay, here’s the thing, this is the thing, okay, the thing is... Chandler: What is the thing? Joey: Okay. I went down to the ‘Mattress King’ showroom and, and I saw Janice, kissing her ex-husband. Chandler: What? Joey: They were in his office. Chandler: Well she, she wouldn’t do that, she’s with, she’s with me. Joey: I’m telling you man, I saw it. Chandler: Yeah, well, you’re wrong! Okay, you’re wrong. Joey: I’m not wrong! I wish I was. I’m sorry. Bet that barium enema doesn’t sound so bad now, huh? Monica: It just makes more sense as an ensemble. Rachel: Right. Monica: Besides, it takes the focus off the hat. Phoebe: No! Oh! You’re alive! You’re alive! Rachel: See Pheebs, I promised you no one would die, didn’t I? Phoebe: Yeah, well, we’ll see about that. Can I use your phone? I just wanna call everyone I know. Monica: Sure, we have no money, go ahead. Phoebe: ‘Hey! You’re not dead! Okay, see ya!’ Ben: Monica. Monica: Oh my God! He just said my name! Did you hear that? Ben: Monica bang! Rachel: Okay, I heard that. Monica: Did he just say ‘Monica bang’? Rachel: Uh-huh. Monica: Oh my God! He’s gonna rat me out! Ben: Monica bang! Monica: Oh-ho-ho, sweetie, sweetie, you gotta stop saying that, now. It’s no big deal, it’s not even worth mentioning, you see we all do it all the time. See watch this, Ben, Ben, Ben. Bang, Rachel bang! Oh, isn’t that fun? Rachel: Okay, I’m stopping now. Monica: You okay? Rachel: Oh yeah! Y'know, if it’s not a headboard, it’s just not worth it. Janice: How’s my Bing-a-ling? Chandler: Ah, I don’t know, you tell me. Anything you ah, wanna tell me, because, if you ah, you should, if you, you would, tell me. Janice: Why are your eyes so white? Chandler: You tell me! Maybe, it’s because I was just fooling with my ex! Oh no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no, that was you!! Janice: Oh my God!! Chandler: All right! Janice: How did you know? Chandler: Joey told me, he saw you two kissing. Janice: In the park? Chandler: No! In his office! How many kisses were there? Janice: Just those two! Chandler: Wh-wh-why, wh-why, why, why was there kissing!? There should be no kissing!! Janice: Oh, I’m sorry honey, I’m so, so, haaaaaa! But I, oh what happened was, I-I-I can’t breathe. Can you get me a bag, or something? Chandler: Here. Janice: The receipt. Chandler: I’ll take it! All right look, I gotta know. Are you finished with me? Janice: I don’t know. Phoebe: Okay. If you’re alive you answer your phone! Commercial Break Monica: Okay, Ben, I won’t tell your daddy that you had ice cream for dinner, if you don’t tell about our little bonking incident. Rachel: Monica, number one, I don’t think Ben understands the concept of bribery, and number two, I... What?! Joey: You said number two. Rachel: I also said number one. Joey: I know. Ross: Hey! Everyone. Rachel: Hi! Ross: How’s my little boy? Rachel: He’s perfect, he’s never been better. Ross: What’d you do, take him whaling? Ben: Monica. Ross: Oh my God, he just said your name, that’s great! Good job Ben. Ben: Monica bang! Monica: Oh that’s right, that’s what I’d sound like if I exploded. Phoebe: Woo-Hoo! The curse is broken! I called everybody I know, and everyone is alive. Joey: Uh. Phoebe: What? Joey: Ugly Naked Guy looks awfully still. Phoebe: Oh my God! I killed him! I killed another one! And this curse is getting stronger too, to bring down something that big. Rachel: Well maybe he’s just taking a nap. Joey: I’m tellin’ ya, he hasn’t moved since this morning. Monica: All right, we should call somebody. Ross: And tell them what? The naked guy we stare at all the time isn’t moving. Rachel: Well, we have gotta find out if he’s alive. Monica: How are we gonna do that? There’s no way. Joey: Well, there is one way. His window’s open, I say, we poke him. Joey: Hey! Y'know how we ah, save all those chopsticks for no reason we get when we get Chinese food? Chandler: Yeah. Joey: Well, now we got a reason. Chandler: What? Joey: Well, we’re fashioning a very long poking device. Chandler: All right. Joey: Hey uh, what’s a matter? Chandler: I talked to Janice. Joey: Oh my God, is she going back to him? Chandler: She doesn’t know. Says she loves us both. Y'know I woke up this morning and I was in love, well I was happy. Y'know it serves me right for buying that twelve pack of condoms. And now I can’t even return them, because she choked on the reciept! Joey: What are you ah, what are you gonna do? Chandler: I don’t know, y'know. What, what, would you do? Joey: Well, it doesn’t matter what I would do. Chandler: Come on, tell me. Joey: All right, you’re probably not gonna want to hear this but ah, if it was me, and this is just me, I would ah, I would bow out. Chandler: What? What are you, what are you talking about? Joey: They have a kid together, y'know. They’re like, they’re like a family, and if, I don’t know, there’s chance they could make that work, I know I wouldn’t want to be the guy who stood in the way of that. Are you okay? Do you wanna ah, come poke a nude guy? Ross: Well, he’s finally alseep. About that ah, bump on his head? Rachel: Are you, are you, are you sure it’s ah, a new bump? I mean, no offense, I’ve always thought of Ben as a fairly bumpy headed child. Ross: It’s okay if he bumps his head, kids bump their heads all the time, y'know, it was your first time babysitting, I figured you did the best you could. Rachel: I did! Ross: I know! I’m saying you have to watch them all the time. Rachel: I did!! I watched! I watched! I watched Monica bang his head against that thing! Ross: Monica did it? Ross: Monica? Monica: Yeah. Ross: Umm, did you notice anything wierd about Ben today? Monica: No. Why? Ross: Well, I was just playing with him, and y'know we were doing the alphabet song, which he used to be really good at, but suddenly he’s leaving out ‘e’ and ‘f.’ It’s like they just ah, I don’t know, fell out of his head. Monica: Really?! Ross: Oh, and also, he’s, he’s walkin’ kind of funny, his left leg is moving a lot faster than his right leg, and he’s in there just sort of y'know... Monica: Oh my God, I wrecked your baby!! Rachel: I hope it’s still funny when you’re in hell. Monica: Ross: Monica bang! Monica bang! Ow! Rachel: I’ll get the hat. Chandler: Janice, I have something I need to tell you, and I want you to let me get through it, because it’s, it’s, it’s not gonna be easy. Janice: Okay. Chandler: I think you should go back with Gary. I don’t wanna be the guy that breaks up a family, y'know when my parents split up, it was because of that guy. Whenever I would see him I was always think y'know ‘You’re the reason, you are the reason why their not together.’ and I hated that guy. And it didn’t matter how nice he was, or how happy he made my Dad. Janice: Wow! Chandler: Yeah, well. It’s the right thing to do. Janice: Oh! You’re right. Oh God. But, before I can say ‘good-bye’, there’s something I really need you to know, Chandler. The way I feel about you, it’s like, I finally understand what Lionel Richie’s been singing about. Y'know, I mean what we have, it’s like movie love, you’re my soulmate, and I can’t believe we’re not going to be spending the rest of our lives together. Chandler: Then don’t leave me! Janice: What? Chandler: Forget what I said, I was babbling! Pick me! Janice: No, you were right, you were right. I mean, I-I-I’ve got to give my marriage another chance. Chandler: No you don’t! No, no, no, I say you have to give your divorce another chance. Janice: Chandler: Ohhh. Don’t go. Janice: No, I-I-I gotta go. Chandler: No. No! No! No! Janice: Honey, honey, people are looking. Chandler: I don’t care! I don’t care!! Janice: Yeah, um, I’m, I’m leaving now. Chandler: You can’t leave! I have your shoe! Janice: Good-bye Chandler Bing. Gunther: Rachel has those in burgendy. Joey: All right now remember, something this big and long is going to be difficult to manuver, fortunately I have a lot of experience in that area. Ross: Can we please focus here, a naked man’s life hangs in the balance! Phoebe: I’m telling you he’s dead. What we are about to have here is a dead fat guy on a stick. Joey: All right, ladies and gentlemen, let’s poke. Thread the needle. Thread the needle. Phoebe: He’s alive! He’s a-live!!! Monica: And yet, we’re still poking him. Joey: Okay, retract the device, retract the device. Ross: He does not look happy. Rachel: Hey-hey, now he’s showing us his poking device. Joey: Hey, that’s never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy! Closing Credits Chandler: I can’t resist your charms. And love.... Phoebe: Love.... Chandler and Phoebe: I’ll be a fool for you. I’m sure, you know I don’t mind. Chandler: No you know I don’t mind. Chandler and Phoebe: Yes! You mean the world the world to me. Oh... Chandler: I know. Phoebe: I know. Chandler: I’ve found. Phoebe: I’ve found.... Chandler and Phoebe: ...in you, my endless End The Guys: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Awww! Phoebe: Hey, it’s your Thanksgiving too, y'know, instead of watching football, you could help. The Guys: We will. Monica: Okay, Rachel, you wanna put the marshmellows in concentric circles. Rachel: No Mon, you want to put them in concentric circles. I want to do this. Monica: Every year. Opening Credits Phoebe: Y'know, for once, I am going to sit down and try to watch one of these things. . Ross: Halftime. Joey: Hey, who wants to ah, throw the ball around a little, maybe get a little three on three going? Rachel: Oh! That would be sooo much fun! Phoebe: Oh, can I play too? I’ve never played football, like ever. Joey: Great, you can cover Chandler. Chandler: No, no, no, I don’t, I don’t really wanna play. Joey: Come on man! You never want to do anything since you and Janice broke up. Chandler: That’s not true! I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don’t say that I don’t have goals! Joey: Chandler, you have to start getting over her. All right, if you play, you get some fresh air, maybe it’ll take your mind off Janice, and if you don’t play, everyone will be mad at you ‘cause the teams won’t be even. Come on. Chandler: Yeah, all right, I’ll play. Phoebe: Yay!! Rachel: Let’s do it! Ross? Ross: What? Rachel: Do you wanna play football? Ross: Um, Monica and I aren’t supposed to play football. Joey: Says who? Your mom? Monica and Ross: Yeah. Monica: Well, every, every Thanksgiving um, we used to have a touch football game called the ‘Geller Bowl.’ Chandler: No, no, no, you say that proudly. Monica: Anyway, Ross and I were always captains, and um, it got kind’ve competitive and one year, Geller Bowl VI, I accidentally broke Ross’s nose. Ross: It was soo not an accident. She saw I was about to tag her, so she threw her big fat grandma arm elbow right into my face. And just keep running. Monica: To score the winning touchdown, by the way. Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa, ho, ho, ho, you did not win the game, the touchdown didn’t count, because of the spectacularly illegal, oh and by the way savage nose breaking. Monica: I won the game. Ross: Oh yeah! Then how come you didn’t get the Geller Cup? Rachel: Um, there was a Geller Cup? Ross: Yes, it was the trophy you got if you won the game. But our Dad said, ‘nobody won that game, ‘ and he was sick of our fighting, so he took the trophy and.... threw it in the lake. Chandler: And was the curse lifted? Ross: Anyway. That’s when our Mom said we were not to play football ever again. Monica: Y'know what, I think we should play a game. I mean come on, it’s been twelve years. Ross: Can I see you for a second? Monica: Once!! Ross: All right, we’re gonna play. Chandler: But wait a minute though, how are we gonna get there, though, because my Mom won’t let me cross the street. Monica: Okay. Let’s bring it in. Rachel: Wait no, honey, honey throw it to me, throw it to me. Ross: Here you go. Rachel: That almost hit me in the face. Joey: All right, we have to pick captains. Chandler: And then Tineals. Phoebe: Okay, so how do we decide that? Monica: Well, why don’t we just bunny up. Rachel, Chandler, and Joey: What? Monica and Ross: Bunny! Monica: Okay, looks like Ross and I are captains. Okay, so um, I bunnied first so that means I get to pick first. Joey. Joey: Thank you. Rachel: Monica, I’m your best friend. Ross: Sweetie, don’t worry you’ll get picked. Chandler. Rachel: Ross! Monica: Phoebe. Ross: Sweetie, now I pick you. Rachel: You don’t pick me! You’re stuck with me! Ross: Okay. All right. So let’s see, let’s play from the trash can, to the lightpost. Right. Two hand touch, we’ll kick off. Monica: All right people listen, I’ve got exactly twenty-eight minutes before I have to baste again. Chandler: Wow! Just like in the pros. Monica: Huddle up. Joey: All right, huddle up, right over here. Phoebe: Wait for me! Wait for me! Wait for me! Oh cool, this is my first huddle. Monica: Okay. Phoebe: Okay, so what do you guys really think of Chandler? Monica: Okay, Phoebe you know what you’re doing right? Phoebe: Yeah. Monica: Okay, Joey’s gonna catch it, and you and I are gonna block. Phoebe: What’s block? Monica: Phoebe, I thought you said you know what you’re doing? Phoebe: I thought you meant in life. Monica: Break. Chandler: The ball is Janice. The ball is Janice. Ross: Oww!! Son of a...!! Ow! Come on! Chandler: Sorry. I’m sorry. Y'know what, we’re just gonna throw it. Joey: I got it. Phoebe: Go! Go! Go! Monica: Score!! 7 to nothing! Rachel: Are you okay? Ross: Come on, let’s go! Monica: Losers walk! Ross: Yeah, losers talk! Chandler: No, no, no, actually losers rhyme. Chandler: You wanna go shotgun? Ross: Yeah! Chandler: Hike! Monica and Joey: One-Mississippi. Two-Mississippi. Three-Mississippi. Rachel: Over here! Rachel: I almost caught that one! Chandler: Great! Now, the score is 7 to almost 7. Ross: Okay, this play, I want you to do a down and out to the right. Okay. Break! Rachel: Wait, what am I gonna do? Ross: You, you go long. Rachel: Wait, how long? Ross: Until we start to look very small. Rachel: Okay. Ross: Break!! Joey: Set....hike! Ross: One-Mississippi, two-Mississippi, switch! Switch! Switch!! Chandler: No, no, no, no, no! Joey: Haaaaa! Hey-hey, thanks for stopping our ball. Woman: You are playing American football? Joey: Yeah! Wow, your like from a whole other country. Woman: I’m Dutch. Joey: Hi-hi, I’m Joey. Woman: I’m Margha. Joey: I’m sorry Dutch, I didn’t get that last little bit. Chandler: Hi, I’m Chandler. Margha: Hello, Chandler. Joey: Her name is Dutch, and also Marklan. Margha: Margha. Joey: Mar-klan. Margha: Mar-gha. Chandler: Mar-haaaan. Monica: Come on guys! Let’s go! Come on, it’s second down. Ross: Uh, hello, it’s third down. Monica: No it’s not, it’s second. Ross: Wow! Monica: Wow, what? Ross: It just amazes me that your still pulling stuff like this. Monica: Pulling what? It’s second down. Ross: Okay, it’s second down. Take all the second downs you need. Monica: I heard that! Ross: Well, I said it loud. Margha: It is okay, if I stay and watch? Chandler and Joey: Yeah! Why don’t you stick around. You can sit right there. Chandler: Well, that went well. Joey: I think so. Chandler: Y'know, I was thinking about ah, asking her for her number. Joey: Thanks man, but I think it makes a stronger statement if I ask for it myself, y'know. Chandler: Whoa-ho, whoa! No, I was thinking about y'know for me, as a part of that whole getting over Janice thing you were talking about. Joey: Oh, yeah, that. All right, means that much to ya, I’ll let you have her. Chandler: Thanks. What, let me have her?! What do mean? Like if you didn’t I wouldn’t have a shot? Joey: Well I don’t like to say it out loud, but, yeah! Don’t feel bad man, we all have our strengths. You’re better with numbers and stuff. Chandler: Math!! You’re giving me math! All right, look y'know what, forget about it, you go for the girl, we’ll see who gets her. Ross: Chandler, I want you to run a post pattern to the left, okay. And sweetie.. Rachel: Yeah, I know, go long. Y'know, it’s like all I’m doing is running back and forth from the huddle. Ross: Well ah, you wanna just stay out there? Rachel: Can I see that for second. Ross: Yeah. Ross: Okay. Hut! Hike! Joey: Fumble! Joey: What the hell’s the matter with you?! This is my favourite jersey. Chandler: Well now you have two. Hey, I am good at math. Joey: All right, that’s it. Y'know I was still gonna let you have her. But now, forget about it. Prepare to feel very bad about yourself. Chandler: Hey! Well, I’ve been preparing for that my entire life! Or something about you that’s mean! Monica: All right, come on guys, let’s go! Tie score, and we’re runnin’ out of time. Forty-two!! Thirty-eight!! Hike! Phoebe: Oh I got it!! Oh! Ew! Broken boob! Ow! Joey: Pheebs, run! Monica: Run, Phoebe, run! Phoebe: Touchdown!! Touchdown!! Ross: Uh, hello, the buzzer buzzed. It doesn’t count. Monica: After the snap! Ross: Before the snap! Joey: After!! Chandler: Before!! Rachel: Now, does it really matter? All: Yes!! Phoebe: Well, okay, I made a touchdown. It was my first touchdown. So? Ross: Oh Pheebs, that’s great. It doesn’t count. Monica: Does so count! Ross: Cheater, cheater, compulsive eater. Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica: Y'know what, that’s fine, maybe you haven’t grown up, but I have. Ross: Oh-ho, okay. Monica: Dead leg!! Ross: Ow! Ow! Okay, okay, fine, fine! All right, you wanna win by cheating, go ahead, all right. Phoebe the touchdown does count, you win. Phoebe: Woo-yay!! Monica: No! Listen, I’m not gonna go through this with you again, okay. Just once I wanna beat when you can’t blame it on the broken nose, the buzzer, or the fact that you thought you were getting mono. Let’s just call this, tie score and it’s halftime. Ross: Okay, first of all, I don’t play with cheaters, and second of all, you know I had swollen glands!! Monica: Y'know what? I’ll think you’ll play. Ross: Oh really! Why is that? Monica: Because the winner gets this! Ross: The Geller Cup. Chandler: Is everybody else seeing a troll doll nailed to a two by four? All: Yeah. Chandler: Okay, good. Commercial Break Ross: Okay, where in the hell did you get that?! Monica: When Mom and Dad drove you to the hospital to get your nose fixed, I swam into the lake and fished it out. Ross: That cup is mine! Monica: No it’s not! You want it, you’re gonna have to win it! Rachel: All right, so are we not having dinner at all? Monica: Come on Phoebe, let’s go! Come on, it’s time to get serious, huddle up. Joey, keep your head in the game. Joey: It’s hard, y'know, his huddle is closer to Dutch girl. Monica: All right look, if I take Chandler out of the running will you be able to focus? Joey: What are you gonna do? Monica: All right, you just make sure that Chandler catches the ball, I’ll take care of the rest. Joey: Okay. Monica: Break! Joey: Here you go! Ross: Chandler! Chandler! Chandler: Hi. Monica: Whoa! Whoa!! Tackled by a girl! Bet ya don’t see that everyday, do ya? Ross: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What’s with the tackling? Monica: What?! I just touched him and he went over. Ross: Okay, you wanna play rough, we can play rough. Phoebe: I love this game!! Ross: Hey, where’d you get that? Rachel: I went really long. Monica: Forty-two to twenty-one! Like the turkey, Ross is done! Ross: It’s no surprise that your winning, ‘cause you got to pick first, so you got the better team. Monica: You’re so pathetic! Why can’t you just accept it, we’re winning because I’m better than you. Monica: Oh, what a great argument, exhaling! All right, y'know what, I’ll prove it to you, okay. I’ll trade you Joey for Rachel, and I’ll still win the game. Ross: What?! The guys against the girls? See, that’s ridiculous Monica, because I’m only down by three touchdowns. Monica: Oh, then bring it on! Oh, unless of course your afraid you might lose to a bunch of girls. Ross: Fine, fine, Rachel your with Monica, Joey you’re with me. Rachel: I can not believe your trading me!! Monica: Come on Rach, come on. Let’s see what’s it like to be on a winning team for a change. Rachel: Are you gonna let me play? Monica: All right then. Margha: The game is over, we eat now? Chandler: No-no-no-no, the game’s not over, we’re just switching teams. Joey: Yeah, Chandler finds me so intimdating that it’s better if we’re on the same team. Ross: Right. Okay, let’s play. Let’s go. Chandler: No ah, hold on a second Joe, where do Dutch people come from? Joey: Ah well, the ah, Pennsylvania Dutch, come from Pennsylvania. Chandler: And the other ah, Dutch people, they come on from somewhere near the Netherlands, right? Joey: Nice try. See the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinker Bell come from. Margha: Oh, my. Ross: Enough with geography for the insane, okay? Let’s play some ball, guys. Joey: Whoa, whoa, no, no, I-I’m not playing with this guy, now. Chandler: Fine with me. Ross: Okay, y'know what, let’s just cut to the chase here. Okay? Heidi, which of my boys do you like? Chandler and Joey: What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? Margha: Which do I like? Ross: Yeah, y'know for dating, general merriment, taking back to your windmill... Margha: Well, if I had to chose right now, which by the way I find really weird, I would have to say, Chandler. Chandler: Yes!! Joey: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! She obviously didn’t understand the question. Chandler: Well, you don’t you have Captain Hook explain it to her. Margha: I’m sorry, Joey, that is my chose. Chandler: You hear that! That is her chose, mister I’ll let you have her! I win! You suck! I rule all! A mini-wave in celebration of me!! Margha: I’m now thinking I would like to change my answer to, no one. Chandler: Wh-what? Margha: I now find you shallow and um, a dork. All right, bye. Joey: Nice going. You just saved yourself a couple months of sex. Chandler: Y'know what, it doesn’t matter, ‘cause she picked me. Me! From now on I get the dates and you have to stay home on Saturday nights watching Ready, Set, Cook! Ross: Save the breakthroughs for therapy, okay. The clock is ticking. We have no time, and we are losing, we are losing to girls. Chandler: We’re not gonna lose to girls. Ross: Hey! It’s 42-21! Joey: This sucks, I was just up by that much! Monica: Are we playing football or what? Come on you hairy-backed Marries. Monica: We have to do this. We are playing for women everywhere. Okay, just think about every lousy date that you ever had, okay, every guy who kept on the TV while you’re making out... Phoebe: Oh my God! You dated someone with a glass eye too?! Monica: Come on, okay, come on this is for all womankind. Let’s kill ‘um! Rachel: Yeah!!! Kill ‘um!!! Phoebe: All right, no, well I want to kill them to, but their boys, y'know how are we gonna beat three boys? Monica: All right, we still have a minute and a half to go, and we’re down by two points. Two points.... Phoebe you do a button-hook again. Rachel, you go long. Rachel: No! Come on! Don’t make me go long. Use me. They never cover me. Monica: Honey, there’s a reason. Rachel: God, I’m not lame, okay. I can do something. I can throw, would you let me throw, come on this is my game too. Phoebe: Come on Mon, let her throw the ball. Monica: All right Rachel, you sweep behind, I’ll pitch it to you, you throw it down field to Phoebe. All right. Break. Rachel: Thank you! Break! Monica: Thirty-two! Seventy-one! Hike! The Guys: One-Mississippi! Two-Mississippi! Three-Mississippi! Rachel: I’m so sorry! Are you okay? Monica: No! I’m not okay! Rachel: I’m sorry, they were just all coming at me, and I didn’t know what to do. Joey: Thirty seconds left on the timer! Chandler: Okay, okay, so we get to take that stupid troll thing home! Monica: Come on! Come on! Hurry! We’re running out of time! Huddle up! Phoebe: Okay. Oooh! Oh, this is our last huddle, yeah. Monica: All right, Phoebe get open. Rachel, go long. Rachel: Okay. Monica: Break! Rachel: I got a touchdown! We did it!! Chandler: Hey-hey-hey Rachel, funny thing. Actually, the ah, end zone starts at that pole, so you’re five feet short, so we win! Phoebe: Wait-wait-wait-wait! So, explain something to me though, if, if nobody tagged Rachel, then isn’t the play still going. Ross: Let go! Let go! Monica: Let go! I’m a tiny little woman!! Chandler: Guys! Guys! Come on! It’s Thanksgiving, it’s not important who wins or loses. The important thing is, the Dutch girl picked me! Me! Not you! Holland loves Chandler! Thank you, Amsterdam! Good night!! Monica: Ow!! Closing Credits Rachel: We should defiantly play football more often. Maybe there’s a like league we could join or something. Phoebe: Isn’t there a national football league. Chandler: Yes. Yes, there is, they play on Sundays and Monday nights. Rachel: Oh shoot! I work Monday nights. Phoebe: Umm, this stuffing is amazing. Do you think we should bring them some? Joey: When they’re hungry enough, they’ll come in. Monica: Let go! Ross: No! You let go! Monica: No! Ross: How come it’s always us left in the field holding the ball? Monica: I don’t know. I guess the other people just don’t care enough. Ross: Hey! It’s starting to snow. Ross: Gimme the this! Monica: Let go! End Written by: Michael Curtis and Gregory S. Malins Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Chandler: Eh..., I don’t, I don’t know. Rachel: What? Chandler: Well, as old as he is in dog years, do you think Snoopy should still be allowed to fly this thing? Gunther: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah. Gunther: Do you remember when you first came here, how you spent two weeks getting trained by another waitress? Rachel: Oh, sure! Do you need me to train somebody new? Gunther: Good one. Actually, ah, Terry wants you to take the training again, whenever. Rachel: Eh, do you believe that? Chandler: Yeah? Opening Credits Sarah: So that’s two boxes of the Holiday Macaroons. On behalf of the Brown Birds of America, I salute you. Ross: Just admit it Chandler, you have no backhand. Chandler: Excuse me little one, I have a very solid backhand. Ross: Shielding your face and shrieking like a girl... is not a backhand. Chandler: I was shrieking... like a Marine. Ross: All right here. Watch me execute the three ‘P’s of championship play. Power. Monica: You broke a little girl’s leg?!! Ross: I know. I feel horrible. Okay. Chandler: Where exactly were around ten-ish? Ross: Well, I’m gonna go see her. I want to bring her something, what do you think she’ll like? Monica: Maybe a Hello Kitty doll, the ability to walk... Rachel: I’m gonna get back to retraining. Ross: All right, see you guys. Chandler: Look out kids, he’s coming! Joey: And I gotta go sell some Christmas trees. Phoebe: Have fun. Oh wait, no, don’t! I forgot I am totally against that now. Joey: What? Me having a job? Phoebe: No, no, I am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime, and their, their corpses grotesquely dressed in like tinsel and twinkly lights. Hey, how do you sleep at night? Joey: Well, I’m pretty tired from lugging the trees around all day. Hey, Phoebe listen, you got this all wrong. Those trees were born to be Christmas trees, their fulfilling their life purpose, by, by making people happy. Phoebe: Really? Chandler: Yes. Yes, and ah, ah, the trees are happy too, because for most of them, it’s the only chance to see New York. Gunther: ...and after you’ve delivered the drinks, you take the empty tray.... Rachel: Gunther, Gunther, please, I’ve worked here for two and a half years, I know the empty trays go over there. Gunther: What if you put them here. Rachel: Huh. Well, y'know that’s actually a really good idea, because that way they’ll be closer to the mugs. Y'know what, you should have the other waitresses do that too. Gunther: They already do. That’s why they call it the ‘tray spot.’ Rachel: Gee, I always heard them talk about that, I just always thought that it was a club they went to. Oh God, I’m, I’m sorry. Gunther: It’s all right. Sweetheart. Ross: So, this must be kinda neat for ya, huh? I mean, your Dad tells me that you get a couple of days off school, and you, you ah, don’t have to sell those cookies anymore. Sarah: Well, I kinda wanted to sell the cookies. The girl who sells the most wins a trip to Spacecamp, and gets to sit in a real space shuttle. Ross: Wow, you ah, you really like all this space stuff, huh? Sarah: Yeah. My Dad says if I spend as much time helping him clean apartments, as I do daydreaming about outer space, he’d be able to afford a trip to the Taj Mahal. Ross: I think you would have to clean a whole lot of apartments to go all the way to India. Sarah: No. The one in Atlantic City, Dad loves the slots. He says he’s gonna double the college money my Grandma left me. Ross: Huh. Well, good luck to Dad. Say, how many more boxes would you have to sell in order to win? Sarah: The girl who won last year sold four hundred and seventy-five. Ross: Yeah. Sarah: So far, I’ve sold seventy-five. Ross: Four hundred, huh? Well, that sounds do-able. How much are the boxes? Sarah: Five dollars a box. Ross: And what is second prize? Sarah: A ten speed bike. But, I’d rather have something my Dad couldn’t sell. Ross: Well, that makes sense. Sarah: Could you do me one favor, if it’s not too much trouble? Ross: Yeah, Sarah, anything. Sarah: Could you pull open the curtains for me? The astronauts from the space shuttle are gonna be on the news, and since we don’t have a TV, the lady across the alley said she’d push hers up to a window, so I could watch it. Woman: Yesss? Ross: Hi, I’m selling Brown Bird cookies. Woman: You’re no Brown Bird, I can see you through my peephole. Ross: No, hi, I’m, I’m an honorary Brown Bird Woman: What does that mean? Ross: Ah, well, it means that I can sell cookies, but I’m not invited to sleep-overs. Woman: I can dial 9-1-1 at the touch of a button, y'know. Now, go away! Ross: No, please, please, um, it’s for a poor little girl who wants to go to Spacecamp more than anything in the world. Woman: I’m pressing, a policeman is on his way. Ross: Okay, okay! I’m going. I’m going. Woman: I can still see you! Ross: All right!! Phoebe: Hey. Joey: Hey. What, what are you doing here? Phoebe: Well, I-I thought a lot about what you said, and um, I realilized duh, all right maybe I was a little judgmental. Yeah, oh, but oh... Joey: Look now, Phoebe remember, hey, their just fulfilling their Christmas.... Phoebe: Destiny. Joey: Sure. Phoebe: Yes. Joey: All right. Phoebe: Okay. Yikes! That one doesn’t look very fulfilled. Joey: Oh, that’s, that’s ah, one of the old ones, he’s just taking it to the back. Phoebe: You keep the old ones in the back, that is so ageist. Joey: Well we have to make room for the fresh ones. Phoebe: So, what happens to the old guys? Joey: Well, they go into the chipper. Phoebe: Why, do I have a feeling that’s not as happy as it sounds? Joey: Ross: ...and these come in the shapes of your favourite Christmas characters, Santa, Rudolph, and Baby Jesus. Joey: All right, I’ll take a box of the cream filled Jesus’s. Ross: Wait a minute, one box! Come on, I’m trying to send a little girl to Spacecamp, I’m putting you down for five boxes. Chandler, what about you? Chandler: Ahh, do you have any coconut flavoured deities? Ross: No, but ah, there’s coconut in the Hanukkah Menoreoes. I tell you what, I’ll put you down for eight boxes, one for each night. Ross: Mon? Monica: All right, I’ll take one box of the mint treasures, just one, and that’s it. I-I started gaining weight after I joined the Brown Birds. Remember, how Dad bought all my boxes and I ate them all? Ross: Ah, no Mon, Dad had to buy everyone of your boxes because you ate them all. But ah, y'know I’m sure that’s not gonna happen this time, why don’t I put you down for three of the mint treasures and just a couple of the Rudolph’s. Monica: No. Ross: Oh, come on, now you know you want ‘em. Monica: Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t do this. Ross: I’ll tell you what Mon, I’ll give you the first box for free. Monica: Ross: Come on! All the cool kids are eating ‘em! Gunther: And when you have a second later, I wanna show you why we don’t just trap spiders under coffee mugs and leave them there. Rachel: I’m training to be better at a job that I hate, my life officially sucks. Joey: Look Rach, wasn’t this supposed to a temporary thing? I thought you wanted to do fashion stuff? Rachel: Well, yeah! I’m still pursuing that. Chandler: How... exactly are you pursuing that? Y'know other than sending out resumes like what, two years ago? Rachel: Well, I’m also sending out.... good thoughts. Joey: If you ask me, as long as you got this job, you’ve got nothing pushing you to get another one. You need the fear. Rachel: The fear? Chandler: He’s right, if you quit this job, you then have motivation to go after a job you really want. Rachel: Well then how come you’re still at a job that you hate, I mean why don’t you quit and get ‘the fear’? Chandler: Because, I’m too afraid. Rachel: I don’t know, I mean I would give anything to work for a designer, y'know, or a buyer.... Oh, I just don’t want to be 30 and still work here. Chandler: Yeah, that’d be much worse than being 28, and still working here. Gunther: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah. Gunther: Remind me to review with you which pot is decaf and which is regular. Rachel: Can’t I just look at the handles on them? Gunther: You would think. Rachel: Okay, fine. Gunther, y'know what, I am a terrible waitress, do you know why I’m a terrible waitress? Because, I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care which pot is regular and which pot is decaf, I don’t care where the tray spot is, I just don’t care, this is not what I want to do. So I don’t think I should do it anymore. I’m gonna give you my weeks notice. Gunther: What?! Rachel: Gunther, I quit. Chandler: Commercial Break Ross: ....and 12, 22, 18, four... What? Chandler: I spelled out boobies. Monica: Ross, but me down for another box of the mint treasures, okay. Where, where are the mint treasures? Ross: Ah, we’re out. I sold them all. Monica: What? Ross: Monica, I’m cutting you off. Monica: No. No, just, just, just a couple more boxes. It-it-it’s no big deal, all right, I’m-I’m cool. You gotta help me out with a couple more boxes! Ross: Mon, look at yourself. You have cookie on your neck. Monica: Chandler: So, how many have you sold so far? Ross: Check this out. Five hundred and seventeen boxes! Chandler: Oh my God, how did you do that? Ross: Okay, the other night I was leaving the museum just as ‘Laser Floyd’ was letting out of the planetarium, without even trying I sold 50 boxes! That’s when it occurred to me, the key to my success, ‘the munchies.’ So I ah, started hitting the NYU dorms around midnight. I am selling cookies by the case. They call me: 'Cookie Dude!' Rachel: Okay, stop what you’re doing, I need envelope stuffers, I need stamp lickers..... Ross: Well hey, who did these resumes for ya? Chandler: Me! On my computer. Ross: Well you sure used a large font. Chandler: Eh, yeah, well ah, waitress at a coffee shop and cheer squad co-captain only took up so much room. Rachel: Hey-hey-hey that’s funny! Your funny Chandler! Your a funny guy! You wanna know what else is really funny?! Chandler: Something else I might have said? Rachel: I don’t know, I don’t know, weren’t you the guy that told me to quit my job when I had absolutely nothing else to do. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!! Ross: Sweetie, calm down, it’s gonna be okay. Rachel: No, it’s not gonna be okay Ross, tomorrow is my last day, and I don’t have a lead. Okay, y'know what, I’m just gonna, I’m just gonna call Gunther and I’m gonna tell him, I’m not quitting. Chandler: You-you-you don’t wanna give into the fear. Rachel: You and your stupid fear. I hate your fear. I would like to take you and your fear.... Joey: Hey! I got great news! Chandler: Run, Joey! Run for your life! Joey: What? Rachel, listen, have you ever heard of Fortunata Fashions? Rachel: No. Joey: Well my old man is doing a plumbing job down there and he heard they have an opening. So, you want me to see if I can get you an interview? Rachel: Oh my God! Yes, I would love that, oh, that is soo sweet, Joey. Joey: Not a problem. Rachel: Thanks. Joey: And now for the great news. Ross: What, that wasn’t the great news? Joey: Only if you think it’s better than this... snow-in-a-can!! I got it at work. Mon, you want me to decorate the window, give it a kind of Christmas lookie. Monica: Christmas cookie? Joey: Okay, and ah, this one here is a Douglas Fir, now it’s a little more money, but you get a nicer smell. Guy: Looks good. I’ll take it. Phoebe: Guy: It’s-it’s-it’s almost dead! Phoebe: Okay but that’s why you have to buy it, so it can fulfil it’s Christmas destiny, otherwise there gonna throw it into the chipper. Tell him, Joey Joey: Yeah, the ah, trees that don’t fulfil their Christmas destiny are thrown in the chipper. Guy: I-I think I’m gonna look around a little bit more. Joey: Pheebs, you gotta stop this, I working on commission here. Monica: Hey, guys. I’m here to pick out my Christmas tree. Phoebe: Well look no further, this one’s yours! Ahhh. Monica: Is this the one that I threw out last year? Phoebe: All right y'know what, nevermind! Everyone wants to have a green one! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get so emotional, I guess it’s just the holidays, it’s hard. Monica: Oh honey, is that ‘cause your Mom died around Christmas? Phoebe: Oh, I wasn’t even thinking about that. Monica: Oh. Ross: Hi there. How many, how many ah, did you sell? Girl: I’m not gonna tell you! You’re the bad man who broke Sarah’s leg. Ross: Hey now! That was an accident, okay. Girl: You’re a big scrud. Ross: What’s a scrud? Girl: Why don’t you look in the mirror, scrud. Ross: I don’t have too. I can just look at you. Leader: All right girls, and man. Let’s see your final tallies. Very nice. Ross: Not nice enough. Leader: Charla, 278. Sorry, dear, but still good. Ross: Good for a scrud. Leader: Oh, yes Elizabeth. Ah, 871. Ross: That’s crap!! Sister Brown Bird. Leader: Who’s next? Ross: Hi there! Leader: Hi. And batting for Sarah, Ross Geller, 872. Although, it looks like you bought an awful lot of cookies yourself. Ross: Um, that is because my doctor says that I have a very serious.... nuget.... diffency. Chandler: Tell us what happened, Brown Bird Ross. Ross: Well, I lost. Some little girl loaned her uniform to her nineteen year old sister, who went down to the U.S.S. Nimitz, and sold over 2,000 boxes. Chandler: Hey! How’d the interview go? Rachel: Oh, I blew it. I wouldn’t of even hired me. Ross: Oh, come here sweetie, listen, you’re gonna go on like a thousand interviews before you get a job. That’s not how that was supposed to come out. Phoebe: This is the worst Christmas ever. Chandler: Y'know what Rach, maybe you should just, y'know stay here at the coffee house. Rachel: I can’t! It’s too late! Terry already hired that girl over there. swans. Ross: That word was swans. Chandler: Well seeing that drunk Santa wet himself, really perked up my Christmas. Phoebe: Oh! Oh my God! Joey and Monica: Merry Christmas!! Phoebe: You saved them! You guys! Oh God, you’re the best! Chandler: It’s like ‘Night of the Living Dead Christmas Trees.’ Rachel: Oh thank you! I love you! Chandler: Sure, everybody loves a kidder. Rachel: I got the job! All: That’s great! Hey! Excellent! Phoebe: Oh, God bless us, everyone. Rachel: Here we go. I’m serving my last cup of coffee. Chandler: Should I tell her I ordered tea? Ross: No. Rachel: Um, excuse me, everyone. Ah, this is my last night working here, and I ah, just wanted say that I made some really good friends working here, and ah, it’s just time to move on. Ah, and no offence to everybody who ah, still works here, you have no idea how good it feels to say that as of this moment I will never have to make coffee again. Rachel’s Boss: Now Mr. Kaplan Sr. likes his coffee strong, so your gonna use two bags instead of one, see. Now pay attention, ‘cause this part’s tricky, see some people use filters just once. Closing Credits Ross: I’m, I’m sorry you didn’t get to go to Spacecamp, and I’m hoping that maybe somehow, this may make up for it. Presenting Sarah Tuttle’s Private Very Special Spacecamp!! Sarah: Really Mr. Geller, you don’t have to do this. Ross: Oh come on! Here we go! Stand by for mission countdown! Joey: Okay, Blast off! Chandler: I’m an alien. I’m an alien. Ross: Oh no! An asteroid! End Joey: Okay, pick a card, any card. All right, now memorize it. Show to everybody. Got it? Monica: Um-mm. Joey: All right, give it back to me. 5 of hearts. Ross: Real magic does exist. Rachel: Wow. Monica: Wow. Joey, how do you do it? Joey: I can’t tell you that, no. Ross: Ah, somebody’s at the door on the ceiling. Rachel: Noo, that’s our unbelievably loud upstairs neighbor. Monica: He took up the carpet, and now you can hear everything. Phoebe: Why don’t you go up there and ask him to ‘step lightly, please?’ Monica: I have like five times, but the guy is so charming, that I go up there to yell and then I end up apologizing to him. Phoebe: Ooh, that is silly. I’ll go up there, I’ll tell him to keep it down. Monica: All right, be my guest. Rachel: Good luck. Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, you really wanna know how I did it, I’ll show ya. When you handed me back the card, what you didn’t see was, I looked at it so fast that it was invisible to the naked eye. All: Oh, I got it. Phoebe: . Guy: Whoa, you are very beautiful. Phoebe: Oh, thank you. Opening Credits Chandler: Hey, anybody got a length of rope about six feet long with a little nouse at the end? Monica: Honey, what’s the matter? Chandler: I just saw Janice. All: Oh. Chandler: Yeah, she was at Rockefeller Center skating with her husband, she looked so happy. I almost feel bad for whipping that kid’s pretzel at them. Joey: Man, I remember the first time I saw that girl Katherine, after we broke up. She was just walking with her friend Donna, just laughing and talking. God, it killed me. Chandler: Yes, but you ended up having sex with both of them that afternoon. Joey: Sorry, I just, any excuse to tell that story y'know.... Ross: Hey Chandler, there’s a party tomorrow, you’ll feel better then. Chandler: Oh, y'know what, I’m gonna be okay, you don’t have to throw a party for me. Monica: It’s Joey’s birthday. Chandler: Oh, well then, if anybody should have a party it should be him. Monica: Sush!! I cannot believe she is still up there. Chandler: Okay, well he totally screwed up the punch line. Y'know, it’s supposed to be arrghh-eh og-errigh. Mr. Kaplan: How’s that coffee comin,’ dear? Rachel: Yeah, right away Mr. Kaplan. Mr. Kaplan: I’m not supposed to drink coffee, it makes me gassy. Rachel: I know! Mr. Kaplan: I’ll bet your thinking, ‘What’s an intelligent girl who wants to be in fashion, doing making coffee?’ Eh? Rachel: Op. Mr. Kaplan: Eh. Rachel: Oh, you got me. Mr. Kaplan: Well, don’t think I haven’t noticed your potential. Well, I’ve got a project for you that’s a lot more related to fashion. How does that sound? Rachel: Oh, that sounds great. Mr. Kaplan: Come on over here, sweetheart. Rachel: Oh thank you so much Mr. Kaplan, thank you so much. Mr. Kaplan: You’re welcome. Rachel: Oh God, I hate my job, I hate it, I hate my job, I hate it. Monica: I know honey, I’m sorry. Rachel: Oh, I wanna quit, but then I think I should stick it out, then I think why would such a person stay in such a demeaning job, just because it’s remotely related to the field they’re interested in. Monica: Gee, I don’t know Rach. Order up!! I got a Yentel soup, a James Beans, and a Howdy hold the Dowdy! Rachel: Oh honey, come on, I’m sorry, I didn’t.... I don’t mind paying my dues, y'know, its just how much am I gonna learn about fashion by walking Mira, the arthritic seamstress, to the bathroom. Rachel: Hi! Is my misery amusing to you? Guy: I’m sorry, I wa, I wa, I was just ah.... Rachel: It’s not funny, this is actually my job. Guy: Oh believe me, I-I-I’ve been there. I had to sort mannequin heads at that Mannequins Plus. Rachel: Oh well then, so I’m just going to go back to talking to my friend here. And you can go back to enjoying your little hamburger. Guy: Ah, just one other thing. Rachel: Yes?! Guy: I ah, I work at Bloomingdale’s and I might know of a job possibility if your, if your interested? Rachel: Do you want my pickle? Gunther: Hey guys. Monica: Hey Gunther. Hi. I mean you’re going out on a date with the noisy guy upstairs? Phoebe: Well, he’s very charming. Monica: I know, he’s too charming, but if you two start going out, then it’s just gonna make it so much harder for me to hate him. Phoebe: Well, you’re just gonna have to try. Monica: Joey, where are the Jell-o shots? Joey: I don’t know, Chandler is supposed to be passin’ ‘em around... Joey: Chandler! Chandler: Hello-dillillio!! Ross: Oh, somebody’s feeling better. Monica: Stick out your tongue. Chandler: Take off your shirt! Monica: Oh my!! Joey: Oh my God! How many of these things did you have? These are pure vodka. Chandler: Yeah, Jell-o just like Mom used to make. Rachel: The most unbelievable thing happened to me today. Ross: Hi! Rachel: Hi! So I’m out having lunch at Monica’s and this guy starts talking to me, and it turns out he works for a buyer at Bloomingdale’s and there happens to be an opening in his department. So I gave him my phone number and he’s gonna call me this weekend to see if he can get me an interview! Ross: Wow! Rachel: I know! Ross: What, so this guy is helping you for no apparent reason? Rachel: Uh-huh! Ross: And he’s, he’s a total stranger? Rachel: Yeah! His name is um, Mark something. Ross: Huh. Sounds like Mark Something wants to have some sex. Rachel: What!? Ross: Well, I’m just saying, I mean why else would he just, y'know, swoop in out of nowhere for no reason. Rachel: To be nice. Ross: Hey, Joey. Are men ever nice to strange women for no reason? Joey: No, only for sex. Ross: Thank you. So did you ah, did you tell Mark Something about me? Rachel: I didn’t have to, because I was wearing my ‘I heart Ross’ sandwich board and ringing my bell. Ross: Uh-huh. Joey’s Sisters: Joey: Hey!! Hey-hey-hey! Chandler: Okay, how many of that girl are you seeing? Monica: How hammered are you? Huh? These, these are Joey’s sisters. Chandler: Hi Joey’s sisters! Phoebe: Hey! Cookie: Hey. What are we drinkin’ over here. Phoebe: Well, I have ah, vodka and cranberry juice. Cookie: No kiddin,’ that’s the exact same drink I made myself right after I shot my husband. Phoebe: Wow. Okay, I don’t know how to talk to you. Sister 1: What ‘cha doing? Chandler: Oh, I’m taking my ex-girlfriend of my speed dialer. Joey’s Sisters: Oh!! Chandler: No-no-no-no, no, it’s a good thing. Why must we dial so speedily anyway? Why must we rush through life? Why can’t we savor the precious moments? Those are some huge breasts you have. Ross: Hi. Monica: Hi. Ross: Yeah. So um, I-I heard about this ah, Mark guy that ah, Rachel met today. Monica: Isn’t that great? Ross: Oh yeah! So ah, kinda pretty, pretty good. He sounds like a nice, good guy. Monica: Oh, he is. And he is so dreamy. I mean, y'know what, when he left I actually used the phrase, ‘Hummina-hummina-hummina.’ Ross: That’s excellent. Ross: So, he’s just a nice guy. You really think this Mark doesn’t want anything in exchange for helping him? Rachel: Well, I assume I’ll have to take showers with him, but y'know, that’s true of any job. Monica: How ya feelin’? Chandler: Well, my apartment isn’t there anymore, because I drank it. Phoebe: Where’d you get too? We lost you after you opened up all the presents. Ross: Yeah. Chandler: Yeah, I ended up in the storage room, and not alone. All: Woooo hoooo!!! Chandler: Ow, no ‘woo-hooing,’ no ‘woo-hooing.’ Phoebe: Why, what happened? Chandler: Ah, I fooled around with Joey’s sister. Well, that’s not the worst part. Monica: What is the worse part? Chandler: I can’t remember which sister. Ross: This is men!! Commercial Break Monica: Are you insane? I mean Joey, is going to kill you, he’s actually going to kill you dead. Chandler: Okay! You don’t think I thought of that? Phoebe: How can you not know which one? Rachel: I mean that’s unbelievable. Monica: I mean, was it Gina? Ross: Which one is Gina? Rachel: Dark, big hair, with the airplane earrings. Monica: No, no, no, that’s Dina. Chandler: You see you can’t tell which one is which either, dwha!! Phoebe: We didn’t fool around with any of them. Dwha! Dwha! Chandler: Veronica. Look, it’s got to be Veronica, the girl in the red skirt. I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat. Monica: That was me. Chandler: Look, when I’ve been drinking, sometimes I tend to get overly friendly, and I’m sorry. Monica: That’s okay. Rachel: That’s all right. Ross: That’s okay. Joey: Can I talk to you for a second?! Ross: Hey, Joey. Rachel: Hey. Joey: Come on!! Chandler: Why can’t we talk in here? With, with, witnesses. Joey: I just got off the phone with my sister. Ross: Ah, which, which one? Joey: Mary-Angela. Ross: Mary-Angela. Joey: Yeah. Monica: Y'know which one was she again? Joey: Why don’t you ask Chandler, ‘cause he’s the one that fooled around with her. She told me you said you could really fall for her. Now is that true? Or are you just gettin’ over Janice by groping my sister. Chandler: It’s gotta be the first one. Joey: Really? That’s great! You and my sister, sittin’ in a tree. Chandler: Yep, I’m in a tree. Rachel: Did he call? Did Mark call? Monica: No honey, I’m sorry, but the weekend’s not over yet. Rachel: Oh. Oh my God, is that Phoebe? Monica: I guess they’re back from their date. Rachel: Music. Very nice. Monica: Oh my God! Rachel: So, how are you? Monica: I am good. I finished my book. Rachel: Oh yeah, what’s it about? Monica: I don’t remember. Do you wanna take a walk? Rachel: Yeah, I do. Ross: Dear Mary-Angela. Hi. How’s it going. This is the hardest letter I’ve ever had to write. What the hell’s a matter with you? How do you think Joey’s going to react when he finds out that you blew off his sister with a letter? Chandler: Well, that’s the part where you tell him that I moved to France. When actually I’ll be in Cuba. Ross: All right, look, look, you’ve got to do this yourself, okay in person. At least you know her name. You just go to the house and you ask for Mary-Angela, okay, when which ever one she is comes to the door, you take her for a walk, you let her down easy. Chandler: What if Mary-Angela comes to the door and I ask for Mary-Angela? Ross: Where in Cuba? Chandler: Joey, what-wh-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-what are you doing here? Joey: Waiting for my Grandma to finish my laundry. What about you? Chandler: I’m here to see Mary-Angela. Joey: You are so the man! Now look, listen, listen, you got to be cool, ‘cause my Grandma doesn’t know about you two yet, and you do not want to tick her off. She was like the sixth person to spit on Mussolini's hanging body. Yeah. Chandler: Where’s Mary-Angela? Joey: She’s right in there. Joey’s Sisters: Hey, Chandler! Rachel: I can’t believe Mark didn’t call. It’s Sunday night, and he didn’t call. Ross: Bummer. Rachel: Yeah, right. Look at you, you’re practically giddy. Ross: No, I’m genuinely sorry the Mark thing didn’t work out. Look, Rach, I want only good things for you. Monica: Wait a minute, why don’t you just call Mark. I mean, who says you have to sit here and wait for him, you’ve got to make stuff happen. Ross: But, you, you don’t want to seem too pushy. Monica: Honey, it’s not pushy, he gave her his home number. Ross: What, he gave you his home number? As in like, to, to his home? Rachel: Yeah, and you don’t mind if I call, because you only want good things for me. Ross: That’s right good things, that-that is what I said. Rachel: He left my number at work, but he was helping his niece with her report on the pioneers. Ross: That is so made up! Rachel: I got the interview! Monica: Yay! Ross: There you go. Rachel: He even offered to meet me for lunch tomorrow to prep me for it. Monica: Oh, that is amazing! Ross: Yeah well, if I know Mark, and I think I do, I’d expect nothing less. Rachel: I got to figure out what I’m going to wear. Ross: High collar and baggy pants say I’m a pro. Rachel: Yeah! Right! Okay, I’ll see you guys later. Woo hoo! Ross: You go get ‘em. What did I do to you? Did I hurt you in some way? Monica: What? Ross: ‘Why don’t you call him?!’ Well, thank you very much! Y'know now he is going to prep her, y'know prep her, as in what you do when you surgically remove the boyfriend! Monica: Are you crazy?! Ross: Am I! Am I! Am I out of my mind! Am I losing my senses!! This dreamy guy is taking my girlfriend out for a meal. Monica: What?! Ross y'know this isn’t even about you! I mean this is about Rachel and something wonderful happening for her. I mean you know even if you’re right, what if he wants to sleep with her, does it mean he gets too? Ross: No. Monica: I mean don’t you trust her? Ross: Well, yeah! Monica: Then get over yourself! Grow up! Ross: You grow up. Chandler: This teramisu is, is excellent. Did you make it Mary-Angela? Joey’s Grandmother: No! I did! Chandler: Well, it’s, it’s yummy. So Mary-Angela do you like it? Joey’s Grandmother: Of course! It’s her favorite. Chandler: So um, Mary-Angela, what’s your second favorite? Joey’s Grandmother: More of Grandma’s teramisu. Chandler: Would you just please....give me the receipt ‘cause this is great. It’s top notch. Joey’s Grandmother: That dies with me. Chandler: So will I. Joey’s Sister: Excuse yourself, and go to the bathroom. Chandler: Oh no-no-no I was just squinting. That doesn’t mean anything. Joey’s Sister: Just do it. Chandler: Will you excuse me I have to um..... Chandler: Hey! Joey’s Sister: Finally, I thought we’d never be alone. Can I just tell you something, I have not stopped thinking about you since the party. Chandler: Look, I may have jumped the gun here. Um, I just got out of a relationship and I’m not really in a, in a commitment kind of place. Joey’s Sister: So! Me neither! God, Mary-Angela was right you do have the softest lips. Chandler: Ahhhh, you’re not Mary-Angela. Joey’s Sister: No, I’m Mary-Theresa. Chandler: This is so bad. If-if you’re not Mary-Angela, then-then who is? Mary-Angela: I am! Chandler: Oh, this is soo bad. Mary-Angela: Joey!!! Chandler: No Joey! No Joey! Don’t Joey! Joey! Joey: What’s goin’ on? Chandler: You’re it! Now run and hide! Mary-Theresa: It’s no big deal. Chandler was just kissin’ me because he thought I was Mary-Angela. Joey: What?! How could you do that, how could you think she was Mary-Angela? Chandler: I wasn’t sure which one Mary-Angela was. Look, I’m sorry okay, I was really drunk, and you all look really similar. Joey’s Sister: I say, punch him Joey. All: Yeah! Punch him!! Chandler: Y'know what, we should all calm down because your brother’s not going to punch me. Are ya? Joey: Well, that is usually what I would do. But I just never thought you’d be on the receiving end of it. How could you do this?! Chandler: Joey if you wanna punch me, go ahead, I deserve it. But I just want you to know that I would never soberly hurt you or your family, you’re my best friend. I would never do anything like this ever again. Cookie: So what. I say, punch him. All: Yeah! Punch him! Punch him! Joey: No! No! No! No, I’m not going to punch Chandler. Cookie: I’ll do it. Joey: No you won’t. Look he knows he did a terrible thing and I believe him, he’s sorry. But, you’ve got one more apology to make, all right, you’ve got to apologize to Mary-Angela. Chandler: Okay, absolutely! Joey: All right. Chandler: You’ve got it. Joey: Cookie, now you can punch him! Chandler: What?! Rachel: Hey! Ross: Hi! Rachel: What are you doing here? Ross: Ah y'know, this building is on my paper route so I... Rachel: Oh. Ross: Hi. Rachel: Hi. Ross: How’d did it go? Rachel: Oh well, the woman I interviewed with was pretty tough, but y'know thank God Mark coached me, because once I started talking about the fall line, she got all happy and wouldn’t shut up. Ross: I’m so proud of you. Rachel: Me too! Ross: Listen, I’m ah, I’m sorry I’ve been so crazy and jealous and, it’s just that I like you a lot, so... Rachel: I know. Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Yeah. Mark: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah. Hi Mark! Mark: Hi. I just talked to Joanna, and she loves you. You got it, you got the job. Rachel: Oh, I did! Mark: Yes. Rachel: Ross: Congratu!! -lations-lations. Closing Credits Monica: So ah, Phoebe, how was your date? Phoebe: Oh well y'know. Monica: Yeah, I do know. Phoebe: Ick, you were eavesdropping. Rachel: Eavesdropping. Pheebs, the ceiling tiles were falling down. Phoebe: Oh, I’m sorry. But I really like this guy. And I think he really happens to like me. Ross: Maybe he’s just jumping on a pogo-stick and really likes it? Ross: Maybe the pogo-stick likes it too? Joey: All right, that’s it! He cannot do this to Phoebe. But, is he a big guy? Ross: Ah, we’ll all go. Phoebe: Thanks you guys! Thank you. Chandler: Don’t worry. Phoebe: God, I hope they kick his ass! Rachel: Honey, I’m sorry. Monica: Y'know if it’s any consolation, he really did sound like he was having more fun with you. Guy: May I help you? End Written by: Doty Abrams Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Rachel: Okay. Hey. Umm. Does everybody hate these shoes? Chandler: Oh yeah, but don't worry. I don't think anybody's gonna focus on that as long as your wearing that towel dress. Rachel: Tell him. Ross: It's her first day at this new job. Your not supposed to start with her! Chandler: All right, I suppose I can wait a day. Hey, what are you doing Friday? Ross: Why? Chandler: I need you to come to this bachelor party for my weird cousin Albert, y'know he's the botanist. Ross: Oh God. Y'know, botanists are such geeks. Chandler: Yeah. Is that a dinosaur tie? Ross: Hmm? Oh, yeah. Phoebe: Morning. Rach, I'm here with the purses! Chandler: It must take you forever to find your keys. Rachel: Thank you, thank you, thank you, Pheebs. Phoebe: Your welcome, oh please not the one with the turtles. Rachel: No, no, no, no turtles scare me. I don't need that today. Ross: Honey, just relax, it's gonna be fine. Hey, umm,. why don't I come down there and I'll take you out to lunch? Rachel: Oh honey, thank you, but Mark's taking me out. Ross: Mark is that ah, the same Mark that helped you get the job? Rachel: Yeah, it's kinda like a 'good luck on your first day' sort of thing. Is this actually a lunchbox? Phoebe: Umm, no, it's a purse. And there's a thermos in it. Rachel: Oh. Chandler: Hey, so can you make it on Friday? Ross: What? Oh yeah, yeah I think so. Why am I invited to this again? Chandler: Well apparently Albert has no friends. He's very excited about the bachelor party though. I think actually the only reason he's getting married is so he can see a stripper. Phoebe: A stripper at a bachelor party, that is so clich�. Why don't you get a magician?! Chandler: Well, if the magician can open my beer with his but cheeks, then all right. Opening Credits Ross: She's having lunch with him. She's having lunch with him. And you should of seen the hug she gave him when she got the job. And, and, and, What am I gonna do? Chandler: Don't do anything. Keep it inside. Learn how to hide your feelings! Don't cry outloud. Joey: Yes! Guess who's in an audition for a Broadway musical? Chandler: I want to say you but, that seems like such an easy answer. Joey: It is me! It's a musical version of Tale of Two Cities. So I think I'm gonna sing New York, New York, and ah, oh I left My Heart in San Francisco. Ross: Ah Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities. Joey: What? Ross: Mr. Dickens gets to pick 'em. Joey: Who? Chandler: I'll get you the Cliff Notes. Joey: The what? Chandler: The abridgment. Joey: Oh, okay. The what? Mark: ...and the style number, and the invoice number, and the shipping date. Good. Any questions so far? Rachel: Yeah. What kind of discount do we get? Mark: Twenty percent. Rachel: Oh!! I love this job! Wow! My first call. Mark: Here, let me. Rachel Green's line, how may I help you? Ross: Hi, is Rachel there? Mark: And who may I say is calling? Ross: This is Ross? Mark: Ross of..... Ross: Of Ross and Rachel. Mark: Oh hi. It's, it's Mark. Ross: Oh hey, hey Mark. Mark: Hey, hold on a second. Ross: Okay. Rachel: Hi honey! Ross: Hi! What's ah, what's Mark doing answering your phone? Rachel: Oh, he's just goofing around. Ross: Ohhhhh yeah, that's, that's funny. Why ah, why isn't he goofing around in his own office? Rachel: Oh honey, this is his office too. I told you we're Joanna's two assistants. Ross: Why does Joanna need two assistants, how, how lazy is she? Rachel: Oh! Oh my God! What did I just do? Ross: What? Rachel: I think I just shipped 3,000 bras to personnel. Oh honey, I gotta go. Mark, I need you! Ross: Okay, bye-bye. Rachel: Ow! Ross!! Ross: Oh, oh, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry sweetie, I was just trying to ah, I'm dialing another number. Jeannine: All right, I just got changed in thirty seconds so you can be alone with him. You'd better go for it. Monica: Please, I'm not going for anything. Jeannine: Well, if you don't, I will. Monica: Would you please go? Jeannine: Night Mon. Night Julio. Julio: Adios. Monica: Look Julio, someone left their book here. Julio: Ah actually, that is mine. Monica: Oh yeah, what are you reading? Julio: Flowers of Evil, by Beaudalire. Have you read it? Monica: Have I read it? No, are you enjoying it? Julio: I thought I would, but the translation's no good. Monica: Your a poet and don't know it. Julio: Actually I ah, I am a poet. Monica: Oh, then you do know it. So um what kind of things do you write about? Julio: Things that move me. The, the shadow of a tree, a child laughing, or this lip. Monica: Mine? Right here? Julio: I can write an epic poem about this lip. Monica: How would that go? Well, it didn't rhyme, but I liked it. Joey: you've got to pick a pocket or two.......... Director: Lovely, just lovely. Joey: Really? Thanks. Director: Listen Joey, we definitely want to see you for the callback on Saturday. Joey: Excellent, I'll be there. Director: Okay, and listen don't forget to bring your jazz shoes for the dance audition. Joey: Ahhh! My ah, my agent said it wasn't a dancing part. Director: Joey, all the roles got to dance a little. But believe me with your dance background it'll be a piece of cake. Chandler: ....three years of modern dance with Twila Tharp! Five years with the American Ballet Theater?! Joey: Hey, everybody lies on their resume, okay. I wasn't one of the Zoom Kids either. Phoebe: Well, can you dance at all? Joey: Yeah, I can dance, y'know. Chandler: Oh no, no, no, no. Phoebe: What, what is that? Joey: Sure, it looks stupid now, there's no music playing. Chandler: All right, I have to get that, but no-no. So would I, would I have to provide the grapes? Monica: Hi! Phoebe: Oh, how was last night with Julio, senorita? Monica: It was soo amazing, he is so sexy, and smart, which makes him even sexier. Oh gosh, I gotta so you this. Last night, we were fooling around and he stops to write a poem. Joey: Get out! I couldn't stop if a meteor hit me. Chandler: Okay, we have our stripper. A miss Crystal Chandelier. Joey: Well sure, you name a kid that, what do you expect them to grow up to be? Monica: Anyway um, when he left he forgot to take the poem with him. Now, I am like totally dense about poetry, but I think it's pretty good all right. Check it out. Joey: The Empty Vase. Translucent beauty... Chandler: To yourself. Hey-hey-hey, y'know what that's pretty good. Monica: Oh good, I think so too. Pheebs? Phoebe: Oh yeah. Monica: Oh, I'm so glad you guys like it. Yay! All right I gotta go to work. Joey: Whoa, I'm not done. Monica: All right, just give it back to me when your done. See you guys. Chandler: Bye-bye. Phoebe: Oh my God, oh my God! Poor Monica! Chandler: What, what, what?! Phoebe: What?! He was with her when he wrote this poem. Look, 'My vessel so empty with nothing inside. Now that I've touched you, you seem emptier still.' He thinks Monica is empty, she is the empty vase! Chandler: You really think that is what he meant? Phoebe: Oh, totally. Oh, God, oh, she seemed so happy too. Joey: Done. Mark: Do you have the, the Ralph Lauren file? Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure, it's umm... Mark: Wh-what's that? Ross: It's from Ross, it's a love bug. Mark: Wow! Somebody wants people to know you have a boyfriend. Rachel: Oh no, no-no-no, that's not, not, not, what he is doing. He's just, he's just really romantic. Man: Ah, excuse me, are you Rachel Green? Rachel: Yes. Man: One, two, three... Quartet: Congratulations on your first week at your brand new job! It won't be long before your the boss. The Bass Barber: Omm-pah, omm-pah, omm-pah. Quartet: And you know who will be there to support... you?! Your one and only boyfriend... The Bass Barber: It's nice to have a boyfriend. Quartet: Your loyal loving boyfriend Ross..... Ross! Commercial Break Ross: I'm hurt! I'm actually hurt, that you would think that I would send you any of those things out of any thing other than love. Hurt! Hurt! Rachel: All right Ross!! I get it!! Ross: I mean my God... Rachel: You're hurt! Ross: ...can't, can't a guy send a barbershop quartet to his girlfriend's office anymorrrrre!! Rachel: Oh, please, Ross it was so obvious! It was like you were marking your territory. I mean you might have well have just come in and peed all around my desk! Ross: I would never do that! Rachel: Look, I know what's going on here, okay, Mark explained it all to me. He said this is what you guys do. Ross: Yeah well if, if, if Mark said that, than Mark's an idiot. Joey: Mark's a genius! Ross: Why?! How?! How is he a genius? Chandler: Look, don't you see what's happening here. Instead of hitting on her right away, he's becoming her confidant. Now he's gonna be the guy she goes too to complain about you. Ross: What am I going to do? Chandler: Well, why don't you send her a musical bug, op, no you already did that. All right look, you're going to have to go there yourself now, okay, make a few surprise visits. Ross: I don't know you guys. Chandler: All right fine, don't do anything, just sit here and talk to us, meanwhile she is talking to him about you. And he's being Mr. Joe Sensitive, and she starts thinking 'Maybe this is the guy for me, because he understands me.' Joey: And before you know it, she's with him. And you'll be all, 'Ohh, man!' And he'll be all, 'Yes!' And us, we'll be like, 'Wh-whoa, dude.' And pretty soon you'll be like, 'Hhiii,' and, and, and, 'I can't go, Rachel and Mark might be there.' And we'll be like, 'Man get over it, it's been four years!!' Chandler: He paints quite a picture doesn't he? Woman: Here's the Shelly Siegal stuff from December. Mark: Woman: Mark!! Mark: It's okay, Rachel knows. Woman: Yeah, but even soo. Mark: I can't help it, I'm just, I'm just crazy about you. Rachel: Ohhh! That is soo sweet! Mark: Okay, okay look, I know I'm being Mr. Inappropriate today, but it's just so tough, I mean see you walking around and I just wanna touch you and hold you, come on no one's around, just, just kiss me. Ross: All right that's, that's it!! Get off her! Mark: What is going on? Ross: What's going on?! That's what's going on!! Rachel: Ross! Ross: I have been down in your store for twenty minutes trying to get a tie! What do I have to do to get some service?! Director: Ah Joey. Joey Tribbiani. Listen Joey, I got a problem, I just got a call from my dance captain, he's having a relationship crisis and can't get out of Long Island. Joey: So, does that mean the audition is off? Director: Listen Joey, seeing as you've got the most experience, I want you to take these dancers and show them the combination. Joey: What?! Director: Aw come on Joey, it's easy. Y'know, it's hand, hand, head, head, up, pas de bouree, pas de bouree, big turn here, grand sissone, sissone, sissone, slide back, step, step, step, and jazz hands! Joey: It's ah, step-ity, step and jazz hands. Director: Have fun. Joey: Bye. Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey. Phoebe: What are you wrapping? Monica: Oh-ho, look what I got Julio. Phoebe: Yeah, it's a vase. Monica: Yeah, just like the one in the poem. Phoebe: Well not exactly like the one in the poem. Monica: What do you mean? Phoebe: Remember how you said you were really dense about poetry? Oh. Monica: So! I'm just an empty vase, huh? Julio: What? Monica: Y'know, so I don't read as many important books as you do, and I don't write trick poems that seem to be about one thing but are actually about something else. And y'know what, I get excited about stupid stuff, like when I my People magazine comes on Saturday, and the new Hold Everything catalog. Y'know but that does not mean that I'm empty, I care about things. I care about my friends and family. You have no right to make that kind of judgment about me. Julio: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Monica: You don't even know me... Julio: Whoa, whoa, whoa, the poem is not about you. Monica: What? Julio: The Empty Vase is not about you. My baby, you make me so sad that you would think this. Monica: I'm sorry, my friend Phoebe... Julio: No, it's about all women. Well, all American women. You feel better now? Monica: Oh yeah. Director: All right, let's do it! Director: No, no, no. What was that? Joey: I know, it was the best I could get out of them. Director: Well, people! Joey: People, people, people. Director: Let's try it again, and this time let's watch everybody watch Joey. Count it off. Rachel: So ah, did you have fun at the bachelor party last night? Chandler: Oh yeah, yeah! Look what I got, look what I got. See, she's fully dressed, right? Rachel: Right. Chandler: And then you click it and, uh-oh, she's naked. And then, and then you click it again and she's dressed. She's a business woman, she's walking down the street, she's window shopping, and Ross: Hi. Rachel: Hello. Chandler: Y'know what, I'm, I'm gonna spend some alone time with the pen. Ross: I'm sorry, I was an idiot. Rachel: A big idiot. Ross: A big idiot. Just you have to realize is, this whole Mark thing is kinda hard for me. Rachel: Honey, why is it hard, I mean we've been together for almost a year now? Ross: Well, I was with Carol for like eight years and I lost her. And now if it's possible I think I love you even more. So, it's hard for me to believe that I'm not gonna, well that someone else is not going to take you away. Gunther: Let it be me! Let it be me! Rachel: Honey, that's very sweet, it just seems to me though, that if two people love each other and trust each other, like we do, there's no reason to be jealous. Ross: I gotta get going. Bye Chandler. Chandler: Oh, okay Ross. Listen, this pen is kinda getting boring, so can you pick me up some porn? Rachel: Where ya going? Ross: Oh, I've got to go pick up Ben, we've got a play date this afternoon. Rachel: Ohh, with who? Ross: Oh, just this woman that I met last night at the party. Rachel: There was a woman at the... The stripper?! Ross: Yeah. Rachel: You have a play date with a stripper?! Chandler: Man, I gotta get a kid. Ross: Ah, yeah, yeah. Umm, we started talking after she y'know, did her thing. And it turns out she's got a boy about Ben's age, so we're taking them to a gym-boree class. Why, is that okay? Rachel: Sure, is she married? Ross: Ahh, no. Rachel: Oh. Ross: Are you jealous? Rachel: Noo, I y'know I don't see why she has to play with you, that's all. I mean doesn't she have any y'know other stripper moms friends of her own? Ross: You are totally jealous. Rachel: I'm not jealous. All right this is about, umm, people feeling certain things y'know about strippers. And y'know, and um, I... Ross: Honey, I love you too. Rachel: Ugh. Wait, wait, wait. Ross: What? Ross: Huh. Rachel: Well, there's a kiss that he won't forget for a couple of hours, y'know. Chandler: Yeah. Either that, or you just turned him on and sent him off to a stripper. Closing Credits Man: Is there a Julio here? Julio: I am Julio. Man: you think there's no one finer, well but your poems are unpublished, and you work in a diner. Quartet: Your no God's gift to women, that's all in your headdddd. You are just a buttmunch. Bass Singer: No one likes a buttmunch. Quartet: And your also bad in bedd-edd-edd!. End Written by: Michael Borkow Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Monica: Hi. Clerk: Six dollars, please. Monica: Six? I just had it for one night. It’s three. Clerk: Eight o’clock is the cut-off and, aww, it’s 8:02. Monica: Y'know in a weird way, you have too much power. Look, you’re gonna have to help me out here, ‘cause I only have three. Richard: I can help with that. Monica: Oh my God. Richard? Hi! Richard: Hi! Monica: Wow! Your lip went bald. Hey, thanks. Richard: So, you look great. Monica: Right. Richard: No you do. You... just... Monica: What? Richard: You’ve got panties stuck to your leg. Monica: That’s because I-I was just grabbing some things out of the dryer, and it’s static cling. Or maybe it’s just that God knew I’d be running into you and saw an opportunity. Richard: It’s good to see you. Monica: It’s good to see you too. Opening Credits Monica: You see that guy? He’s in classics now, but y'know as soon as we leave he’s going straight to the porn. Richard: He’s gonna go up to the counter with Citizen Kane, Vertigo, and Clockwork Orgy. This is nice. Monica: Yeah. Richard: I missed this. Monica: Me too. Richard: So, you wanna get a hamburger or something? Monica: Oh, um, I don’t know if that’s a good idea. Richard: Oh. Look, just friends, I won’t grope you. I promise. Monica: No, I just I think that it’s too soon. Richard: No it’s not too soon, I had lunch at a eleven. Chandler: Yeah, baby! Ross: What are you doing? Chandler: Making chocolate milk. Do you want some? Ross: No thanks. I’m 29. Rachel: Oh my God, I gotta go to work! Ross: Oh sweetie, when do you think you’re going to get off tonight? Rachel: Oh I don’t know honey. It’s gonna be really late. Ross: Oh come on, not again. Rachel: I know. I’m sorry. Look, I’ll make a deal with you all right? Okay? Ross: Hmm. Rachel: For every night that you’re asleep before I get home from work... Ross: Yeah. Rachel: I will wake you up in a way that’s proved very popular in the past. Ross: Now, if you need to stay late, I want to be supportive of that. Rachel: Right. Phoebe: Hi. All: Hey. Joey: Look at you. Since when do you roller blade? Phoebe: Oh! Since tomorrow. I met this really cute guy in the park and he like y'know, jogs, and blades, and swims, and so y'know we made a deal that’s he’s going to teach me all sorts of jock stuff. Ross: And what are you going to do for him? Phoebe: I’m going to let him. Ross: Okay. Joey: Cool. Monica: Morning. All: Hey. Rachel: Somebody got in late last night. Monica: Yeah well, I ran into Richard. Rachel: When did this happen? Monica: Oh, um, around 8:02. We ah, talked for a little while, and then um, we went out for an innocent burger. Phoebe: Oh, there’s no such thing as an innocent burger. Ross: So, are you gonna see him again? Monica: Tomorrow night. Rachel: Monica, what are you doing? Chandler: Well, she spent the last six months getting over him, and now she’s celebrating that by going on a date with him. Monica: It’s not a date, okay. I’m just gonna teach him how to make lasagne for some pot luck dinner he has. Joey: Well, you might wanna make a little extra, y'know you’ll probably be hungry after the sex. Monica: We’re not gonna have sex! Okay, nothing’s changed here. He still doesn’t want children and I still do, so that’s why we’re just gonna be friends. Ross: Naked friends. Rachel: Hey. Joey: Hey. Rachel: Do you have any ice? Joey: Check the freezer. If there’s none in there, then we’re probably out. Are you just getting in from work? It’s late. Rachel: Yeah, I know. I had the greatest day though, I got to sit in on the meeting with the reps from Calvin Klien. I told my boss I liked this line of lingerie, she ordered a ton of it. How was your day? Joey: I discovered I’m able to count all of my teeth using just my tongue. Rachel: Hmm. Umm, why do you have a copy of The Shining in your freezer? Joey: Oh, I was reading it last night, and I got scared, so. Rachel: But ah, you’re safe from it if it’s in the freezer? Joey: Well, safer. Y'know, I mean I never start reading The Shining, without making sure we’ve got plenty of room in the freezer, y'know. Rachel: How often do you read it? Joey: Haven’t you ever read the same book over and over again? Rachel: Well, umm, I guess I read Little Women more than once. But I mean that’s a classic, what’s so great about The Shining? Joey: The question should be Rach, what is not so great about The Shining. Okay? And the answer would be: nothing. All right? This is like the scariest book ever. I bet it’s way better than that classic of yours. Rachel: Okay. Ah, well we’ll just see about that, okay. I will read The Shining, and you will read Little Women. Joey: All right, you got it. Rachel: All right. Joey: Okay. Rachel: Okay. Joey: Ah, now Rach, these ah, these little women. Rachel: Yeah. Joey: How little are they? I mean, are they like scary little? Phoebe: Um, Chandler, Ross, this is Robert. Chandler: Oh, hey. Robert: Hi. Ross: Hey. Phoebe: . That’s okay, it’s mine, we just kissed. Ross: Oh. Chandler: So ah, isn’t a bit cold out for shorts? Robert: Well, I’m from California. Chandler: Right, right. Sometimes you guys just burst into flames. Chandler: I’m up! I’m up, I’ve gotten up now! Anybody ah, want anything? Phoebe: I’ll have coffee. Robert: Yeah, me too. Ross: Yeah, make that three. Chandler: Okay Ross, why don’t you come with me? Ross: Okay. What ah, what is the matter with you? What’s going on? Chandler: Robert’s coming out. Ross: What, what do you mean, what? Is he gay? Chandler: No. He.....he’s coming out of his shorts. Ross: What?! Chandler: The man is showing brain. Ross: Are you sure? I’m sorry you guys, that was a coffee and a.... Robert: Coffee. Ross: Okay. Robert: We could write it down for you? Ross: No, no, that won’t be ah, that won’t be necessary Chandler: Wellll? Ross: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Chandler: What do we do? What do we do? Ross: Well, I suppose we just try to not look directly at it. Chandler: Like an eclipse. Richard: So when people complement me on my cooking should I, what do I say? Monica: You say ‘Thank you very much,’ and then you buy me something pretty. Come on, we’re gonna put are hands in this bowl, and we’re gonna start squishing the tomatoes. Richard: Ew, this feels very weird. Monica: You touch people’s eyeballs every day and this feels weird. Richard: Yeah, well, sure I touch them, but I spent years learning not to squish them. That’s my hand. Monica: Oops. Richard: Okay. Monica: Gotta keep squishing. Richard: Tomatoes are squishing. Monica: Okay. Richard: Op. Monica: Oh, gosh, you got some on your shirt. Richard: Yeah. Monica: Hold on a second, just put a little club soda on it and it should umm, be..... Richard: What? Monica: Umm, you’ve got some on your pants. Richard: I’ll just throw them out. Joey: These little women. Wow! Chandler: Your liking it, huh? Joey: Oh yeah! Amy just burned Jo’s manuscript. I don’t see how he could ever forgive her. Ross: Umm, Jo’s a girl, it’s short for Josephine. Joey: But Jo’s got a crush on Laurie. Oh. You mean it’s like a girl-girl thing? ‘Cause that is the one thing missing from The Shining. Chandler: No, actually Laurie’s a boy. Joey: No wonder Rachel had to read this so many times. Phoebe: Hey! Chandler: Hey. Ross: Hey! How’d the ah, basketball go? Phoebe: Oh, okay, I learned how to shoot a lay-up, a foul shot, and a twenty-three pointer. Chandler: You mean a three pointer? Phoebe: Oh, I get more because I’m dainty. Robert: So um, is there a phone here, I can check my messages? Phoebe: Yeah, in the back. You want a quarter? Robert: Oh, no thanks. I always carry one in my sock. Joey: Hi, I’m Joey, we haven’t met. Robert: Ah, good to meet you. Robert. Phoebe: What? Why are you laughing?! Ross: Calm down. There’s no reason to get testy. Phoebe: You guys!! Come on! Chandler: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it just seems that Robert isn’t as concealed in the shorts area, as ah, one may have hoped. Phoebe: What do you mean? Robert: Hey. Phoebe: Hey. Joey: Hey Robert, could you ah, ha, pass me those cookies? Robert: Sure. Monica: So, how’d the lasagne go over? It’s a word! Monica: Yeah, I do think it’s better this way. Richard: You really sure? Monica: I’ll call you back. Commercial Break Monica: So we can be friends who sleep together. Richard: Absolutely, this will just be something we do, like racquetball. Monica: Sounds smart and healthy to me. So um, just out of curiosity, um, do you currently have any other racquetball buddies? Richard: Just your dad. Although that’s actually racquetball. You know I-I do have a blind date with my sister’s neighbour next Tuesday. Monica: Oh. Richard: You want me to cancel it? Monica: No! No! Richard: Okay. Monica: ‘Cause if you do that means you’d be cancelling it for me, and we’re just friends. Richard: Exactly. Robert: Hey. Phoebe: Hey. Ooh! Don’t sit down! Robert: You ready to go to the batting cage? Phoebe: Yeah. And, first here’s a gift. Robert: Oh! Wow! Hey! Chandler: Stretchy pants! Why, those are the greatest things in the world! If I were you I would wear them every day, every day! Robert: Jeez, thank you really that is so nice. But um, to be honest, I don’t think I can wear these, they’re so tight, I feel like I’m on display. I’m sorry. Phoebe: That’s all right, that’s well, I figured.... Robert: Hey! Joey: Hey! How’s it going? Ross: Good. Joey: Hey, Rach, how you doing with The Shining? Rachel: Oh, Danny just went into room 217. Joey: Oooh, the next part’s the best, when that dead lady in the bathtub... Rachel: Oh, no, meh-nah-nah-nah, come on you’re gonna ruin it! Joey: All right I’ll talk in code. Remember when the kid sees those two blanks in the hallway? Chandler: Hmmm, that’s very cool. Joey: Oh, all blank, and no blank, make’s blank a blank blank. Oh no-no-no, no, the end when Jack almost kills them all with that blank, but then at last second they get away. Aww! Rachel: Joey! I can’t believe you just did that! Chandler: I can’t believe she cracked your code! Rachel: All right, okay, Laurie proposes to Jo, and she says no, even though she’s still in love with him, and then he ends up marring Amy. Joey: Hey! Mine was by accident! All right, the boiler explodes and destroys the hotel, and kills the dad. Rachel: Eh. Beth dies. Joey: Beth, Beth dies? Rachel: Um-hmm. Joey: Is that true? If I keep reading is Beth gonna die? Chandler: No, Beth doesn’t die, she doesn’t die. Does she Rachel? Rachel: What?! Ross: Joey’s asking if you’ve just ruined the first book he’s ever loved that didn’t star Jack Nicholson? Rachel: No. She doesn’t die. Joey: Then why would you say that?! Rachel: Because, I wanted to hurt you. Robert: Oh, there they are! I-I dropped my keys. Rachel: Oh my.... Robert: Got ‘em. Monica: Hi. Rachel: Sorry. I’m sorry. Monica: You would not believe my day! I had to work two shifts, and then to top it off, I lost one of my fake boobs, in a grill fire. Monica: What are you smiling at? Rachel: I’m sorry, I was just thinking you’re day could still pick up. Monica: Yeah, right. Richard: Hello. Monica: I love this friend thing! Phoebe: Listen, Robert’s gonna be here any second so, will one of you just tell him? Ross: Oh. Phoebe: Please, right now, no, every time I see him it’s like ‘Is it on the lose?’ ‘Is it watching me?’ Chandler: We can’t tell him, you can’t go up to a guy you barely know and talk about his.... stuff. Ross: He’s right, even if it’s to say something complementary. Robert: Hey! Phoebe: Hey. Robert: So are ready for the gym? They’ve got this new rock climbing wall, we can spot each other. Phoebe: No, I can spot you from here. Robert: What? Phoebe: Okay, listen Robert... Ross: Hey, don’t we have to... Chandler: Yeah, we got, um-hmm. Phoebe: Umm, I think you’re really, really great... Robert: Oh God! Here we go again. Why does this keep happening to me? Is it something I’m putting out there? Is this my fault? Or am I just nuts? Phoebe: I-I-I-I-I don’t know, I don’t know what to say. Gunther: Hey buddy, this is a family place, put the mouse back in the house. Monica: Ow! Richard: Really?! Well, it’s just like everyone else’s apartment. It’s got rooms, walls, and ceilings. Richard’s Date: Well, I just wanted to see where you lived. Now, give me the tour. Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God! Richard: Ah well, this is the living room. Richard’s Date: Impressive. Richard: All right. This is the kitchen. Richard’s Date: Oh, that’s real pretty. Wait a minute, don’t I get to see the bedroom? Richard: The bedroom. Well it’s pretty much your typical... bedroom. Richard’s Date: We’re still on this side of the door. Richard: Um-hmm. Richard’s Date: Yeah, but I didn’t get to see it. Richard: Oh shoot! Maybe next time. Monica: So um, who was she? Richard: Oh, that was the blind date that I told you about, she called and switched it to today. Monica: Did you like her? And I’m just asking as a friend, because I am totally fine with this. Richard: Well, you seem fine. Monica: Y'know what, what if we’re friends who don’t see other people? Richard: You mean like exclusive friends? Monica: Why not?! I mean this has been the most amazing week. Would it be so terrible? Even if we were friends who lived together. Or, maybe someday friends who stood up in front of their other friends, and vowed to be friends forever. Richard: Wow. Y'know we’re back where we were. Honey, I would love to do all that, but nothing’s changed. Monica: That’s not true, you don’t have a moustache. Richard: Okay, okay, one thing’s changed. But we still want different things and we know how this is gonna end. Monica: Y'know what, I’ve got to walk out of here right now, ‘cause getting over you is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I don’t think I could do it again. Richard: I know I couldn’t. So.... Monica: How ‘bout one last game of racquetball? Monica: Watch the thorns! Richard: Ow!! Closing Credits Rachel: What? Joey: Beth is really, really sick. Rachel: Awwww. Joey: Jo’s there, but I don’t think there’s anything she could do. Rachel: Joey? Joey: Yeah. Rachel: Do you want to put the book in the freezer? Joey: Okay. Rachel: Okay. End Written by: Wil Calhoun Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Singer: ‘Cause every time I see your face, I can’t help but fall from grace. I know..... Joey: Wow! This girl is good. Phoebe: Oh-ho yeah! A song with rhyming words. Oo, I never thought of that before. Chandler: I like her. Phoebe: Why? Because she can sing and play guitar and do both at the same time? Chandler: Well, that’s pretty much all I’m looking for from these people. Monica: Look at you. All jealous. Ross: Yeah Pheebs, come on, you two have completely different styles. Y'know, she’s more.. Singer: . Phoebe: Okay, see, see, everyone else is happy she’s done. Singer: Okay, my next song’s called: Phoebe Buffay, What Can I Say. I Really Loved When We Were Singing Partners, And I Shouldn’t Have Left You That Way. Phoebe: Oh no, one of those ‘look for the hidden meaning’ songs. Opening Credits Singer: Hey Phoebe. Phoebe: Hey Leslie, how’d you know I’d be here? Leslie: I ran into Vlad at the place where they sell the big fish, and he said you played here a lot, so umm.... Chandler: All right listen, I have to go to the bathroom, but if the place with the big fish comes up again. I’d like know whether that’s several big fish or just one big fish. Joey: So ah, Phoebe tells us you write jingles. Phoebe: Actually I said she abandoned me to write jingles. Joey: Ah, anything we might of heard of? Leslie: Ah, yeah, umm. Home is never far away.. Monica, Ross, and Joey: Home is Home Star stew. Leslie: Yeah, but, I don’t do that anymore. I got kinda sick of it, and then I couldn’t come up with anything good, so they fired me. Phoebe: Hmm, bummer. Leslie: Well, I y'know, I was just, umm, I was just thinking and hoping, that umm, maybe you’d want to get back together? Phoebe: No. But thanks. Leslie: Aw come on Phoebe would you just think about it? Phoebe: Okay. No. But thanks. Leslie: Okay, ah, see ya Pheebs. Joey: Wow, that was kinda brutal. Phoebe: Well okay, let this be a lesson to all of you, all right. Once you, once you betray me, I become like the ice woman, y’know. Very cold, hard, unyielding, y'know nothing, nothing can penetrate this icy exterior. Can I have a tissue, please? Monica: Yeah, sure. Gunther: Someone in there? Chandler: No. This is just part of a dare devil game that I play called ‘wait until the last moment before I burst and die.’ Chandler: Jeez, man did you fall.. Hi! So ah, did ya, did-did-did ya fall high? Woman: Someone was in the lady's room, I couldn’t wait. I left the lid up for ya though. Chandler: This is the part where you say your name. Woman: Ginger. Chandler: Ginger. I’m talking to Ginger, so.... Ginger: Don’t you have to use the bathroom? Chandler: Nope, nope, I’d just ah, I’d rather talk to you. Gunther: Someone in here. Phoebe: Where’s Chandler? Joey: Ah, he can’t make it, he said he had to his... Ginger: Joey? Joey Tribbiani? Ginger: Joey I can see you okay? You’re hiding behind the coats. Joey: Phew, close one. Ross: Hi. Rachel: Hi, sweetie! Ross: Hello. Mark: Hi, Ross. Ross: Yeah, huh. Rachel: I’ve got some bad news. Ross: What? Rachel: I can get a quick bite to eat, but then I have to come back up here. Ross: Come on sweetie! You’ve had to work late every night for the past two weeks, what is it this time? Mark: Actually, it’s kinda my fault. I-I quit today. Ross: Oh hey, but that’s sad about you though, what happened? Burn out? Burn all out, did ya? Rachel: Nooo, he’s leaving for a better job. Ross: Oh well that’s great, so I guess this is ah, this is good bye then. Huh? Good bye. Mark: Okay, then. Ross: Okay. Rachel: Well we’re gonna miss you around here. Mark: Yeah, me too. Mark: So, see ya on Saturday. Rachel: Yeah, you bet. Phoebe: Oh. Monica: Y'know those are a delicacy in India. Phoebe: Yeah, that was Leslie calling again to see if we can get back together. That’s the twentieth time today! And good luck Leslie! Monica: Wow, she must have hurt you pretty bad, huh? Phoebe: Well, yeah. Y'know, we were best friends, ever since we were little, our Moms worked on the barge together. Monica: Oh, you two must have been so cute running around on a barge. Phoebe: You never run on a barge! Joey: Hey. Phoebe and Monica: Hey. Joey: Is ah, is Chandler around? Monica: No, umm, he met some girl at the coffee house. Joey: Oooh. Monica: Yeah, Ginger something. Joey: Nooo. No, no, ah, are you sure it wasn’t something that sounded like Ginger, like ah, Gingeer? Monica: No, it was Ginger. I remember, because when he told me, I said, ‘the movie star.’ Joey: Aww, man. That’s the girl I was hiding from. When she finds out he’s my roommate, she’s gonna tell him what I did. Monica: Well, what did you do? Joey: What, oh, oh, oh, no, no, I can’t, I can’t tell you that, it’s like the most awful, horrible thing I’ve ever done my whole life. Monica: Y'know what, don’t tell us. We’ll just wait until Chandler gets home, because it’ll be more fun that way. Joey: All right!! Okay, it was like four years ago. Okay, Ginger and I had gone out a few times, and then this one weekend, we went up to her Dad’s cabin. Just me, her, and her annoying little dog Pepper. Well that night, I cooked this really romantic dinner.... Monica: You gave her food poisoning!? Joey: I wish. No. After dinner, me, her, and Pepper all fell asleep in front of the fire. Well I woke up in the middle of the night and I saw that the fire was dying out. So, I picked up a log and threw it on. Or, at least what I thought was a log. Phoebe: Oh my God!! You threw Pepper on the fire! Joey: I wish. See, I guess another thing I probably should’ve told you about Ginger is that she kinda has a ah, artificial leg. Monica: Oh my God! Joey, what did you do after you threw her leg on the fire? Joey: I ran!! Chandler: Well, that’s the best kiss I’ve had with anyone I’ve ever met in a men’s room. Ginger: Actually, me too. Chandler: Op, foot in a puddle, foot all in a puddle. Ginger: Oh damn, I hate that. Chandler: Yeah, we’re gonna have to get you out of those shoes. Ginger: Oh, don’t worry about it. Chandler: No, really you’re gonna freeze. Ginger: No, I’m not. Chandler: You’re not, what do you, what do you got a bionic foot? Ginger: Some day, maybe. Rachel: Funny book? Ross: Hmmm. Oh, no, no, I just thinking about something funny I heard today. Umm, Mark, Mark saying ‘I’ll see you Saturday.’ Rachel: Yeah, at the lecture, I told you that last week, you said you didn’t mind. Ross: Oh, no, no, no, it’s-it’s not the lecture ah, I mind, umm.... Rachel: Oh, please tell me it’s not because I’m going with Mark. Ross: Oh, well... Rachel: Oh my God!!! Ross!! Ross: Well, I’m sorry, but ah, look if you’re not working with him anymore, why do you have to still do stuff with him? Rachel: Because, he’s my friend. Ross: Okay, but do you really need another friend? I mean... Rachel: Okay, well if I stop playing with Joey and Chandler, can I play with Mark? Ross: Is that funny? Am I supposed to be laughing? Rachel: I don’t know, you thought ‘See you Saturday’ was funny. Look honey, Mark is in fashion okay, I like having a friend that I can share this stuff with. You guys would never want to go to a lecture with me. Ross: Pa-haa!! I would love to go with you. Rachel: Really!? Ross: Yeah, hey I-I have clothes, I even pick them out. I mean for, for all you know I could be a fashion..... monger. Rachel: Okay. Honey, I would love for you to go with me. What? Ross: What should I wear, now I’m all nervous. Monica: Y'know they say a watched pot never beeps. Phoebe: It’s just y'know, been a couple of hours, and she hasn’t called. Not that I even care, y'know. Monica: Phoebe why don’t you just call her? You obviously want to. Phoebe: You think you know me so well. Monica: Well, don’t ‘cha wanna? Phoebe: Yeah. Monica: Okay, well I do know you. Phoebe: That’s what I said. Monica: Well so? Phoebe: I can’t. I can’t. She dumped me, I mean I totally trusted her and then one day it was ‘Okay, bye Pheebs’ gone. Y'know what the saddest part is, when we were playing together, that was like the most fun I’ve ever had in like all my lives. Leslie: My best shoes, so good to me. I wear them everyday. Down at the heel, holes in the toes. Don’t care what people say. My feet’s best friends, pals to the end. With them I’m one hot chicky. Though late one night, not much light, I.... Phoebe: I stepped in something icky. Phoebe and Leslie: Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, always make me smile. Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, next time I’ll.... avoid the..... pillleeeee. Commercial Break Lecturer: We’re beginning to see a lot of layering of sheer fabrics and colours. For instance a sheer navy blouse over a pink.... Ross: You’re so pretty. I love you. Rachel: Oh. Phoebe: Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat, it’s not your fault. Leslie: Wow, that’s great. Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Leslie: Y'know you could totally sell this. It’d be perfect for like umm, a kitty litter campaign. Phoebe: I..., a jingle? No, no-no-no, no. Leslie: What? Why not? You could make a ton of money. Phoebe: Okay, well if I was in this for the money, I’d be a millionaire by now, y'know. You just got to get out of that jingle head sweetie. Leslie: Aw, you’re right, you’re right. I’m sorry. Phoebe: That’s okay. All right, I’m gonna play song that’s really, really sad. It’s called Magician Box Mix Up. Lecturer: ....oversized bracelets, oversized earrings, oversizing of accessories in general are very popular now. Monica: Hi! Chandler: Hey. Monica: Oh, can I borrow this? My milk’s gone bad. Chandler: Oh, I hate that. I once had a thing of half and half, stole my car. Monica: So umm, how was your date with Ginger? Chandler: Great. It was great. She’s ah, she’s great, great looking, great personality, she’s greatness. Monica: Sounds like she’s got the ah, whole package. Chandler: Joey told you about the leg, huh? Monica: Uh-huh. Chandler: Oh God, it freaked me out. Okay, I know it shouldn’t have, but it did. I mean I like her, I don’t want to stop seeing her, but every so often it’s like ‘Hey, y'know what, where’s your leg?’ I mean I’m the smallest person in the world aren’t I? I’m the smallest person in the world. Joey: Morning. Chandler: Actually he’s the smallest person in the world. Joey: Heard about the leg burnin’ huh? Chandler: It came up. Joey: Listen, I ah, I know it’s a longshot. But, by any chance did she find that funny? Ross: So I nodded off a little. Rachel: Nodded off!! Ross you were snoring. My father’s boat didn’t make that much noise when it hit rocks! Ross: Come on! Forty-five minutes! Forty-five minutes the man talked about strappy backed dresses. Rachel: Well okay, how about four hours in a freezing museum auditorium listening to Professor Pitstains and he’s ‘Hey everybody! Remember that thing that’s been dead for a gazillion years. Well there’s this little bone we didn’t know it had!’ Ross: First of all it’s Professor Pittain! And second of all, that little bone, proved that, that particular dinosaur had wings, but didn’t fly. Rachel: Okay, see now, what I just heard: blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah, blah. Ross: Y'know what, 100 million people went to see a movie about what I do, I wonder how many people would go see a movie called, Jurassic Parka. Rachel: Oh, that is so... Ross: No-no-no, a bunch of out of control jackets take over an island. Rachel: Y'know if what I do is so lame, then why did you insist on coming with me this morning? Huh? Was it so I just wouldn’t go with Mark? Ross: No. I... I wanted to be with you. I don’t know, I feel like lately, I feel like you’re slipping away from me, y'know. With this new job, and all these new people, and you’ve got this whole other life going on. I-I-I know it’s dumb, but I hate that I’m not a part of it. Rachel: It’s not dumb. But, maybe it’s okay that you’re not a part of it. Y'know what I mean? I mean it’s like, I-I-I like that you’re not involved in that part of my life. Ross: That’s a little clearer. Rachel: Honey see, it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. Because I do. I love you, I love you so much. But my work it’s-it’s for me y'know, I’m out there, on my own, and I’m doing it and it’s scary but I love it, because it’s mine. I, but, I mean is that okay? Ross: Sure, I-I-I... Ginger: Your thinking about my leg aren’t you? Chandler: No. No. Actually I forgot, what is the deal with that again? Ginger: It’s okay if it bothers you. Really. I mean the only thing I need to know is: ‘How much it bothers you?’ because I don’t like wasting my time. Am I wasting my time? Chandler: No. No. I don’t think so. Ginger: Okay. It’s just like anything else, you just have to get used to it. Ginger: What’s that? Chandler: That’s-that’s my nubbin. Ginger: What’s a nubbin? Chandler: It’s kinda a ah, a third nipple kinda thing. Ginger: You have three nipples? Chandler: Well, y'know two regulars. And ah one that barely qualifies as... Ahh, what? Ginger: Nothing. I, I just remembered I have to leave. Chandler: You ah, you have, you have to leave, now? How come? Ginger: Ah well, it’s nubbin. Nothing! Umm. Y'know what, I’ll see you later. Okay. Phoebe: Oh, I thought you weren’t coming. What? Where were you? Leslie: Come here, come here. Okay, don’t get mad, okay. Phoebe: Okay, don’t give me a reason to get mad, okay Leslie: I played Smelly Cat for the people at my old ad agency, they went nuts. Phoebe: No, look, I told you that I didn’t want you to try and sell it, and you just, you big fat did it anyway. God, y'know what, I think five years ago I probably would’ve done anything to play with you but, I can do it by myself. And if I can’t trust you then just forget it. Leslie: No, no, I don’t want to forget it. Phoebe: Okay y'know what you have to choose. All right, if-if the most important thing on the planet to you is this cat poopy thing then, okay you can have Smelly Cat, but we won’t be partners. So what’s it gonna be? Commercial: Problem odour in the litter box? Don’t change your kitty, change your kitty litter. Monica: Sorry, Pheebs. Joey: Yeah. You okay? Phoebe: Yeah. I actually am, yeah. Y'know life-life’s gonna had you all kinds of stuff, y'know you learn your little lessons and hopefully you grow. Wanna hear a new song? Joey: Yeah. Monica: We’d love too. Phoebe: Okay. ‘Jingle bitch screwed me over! Go to hell jingle whore! Go to hell Go to hell. Go to hell-hell-hell.’ That’s all I have so far. Closing Credits Chandler: Well hello! Joey: Where have you been? Chandler: The doctor. Ross: Is everything okay? Chandler: Oh yes! Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy. Yep! Two nipples, no waiting. Monica: Wow! It’s like Rachel in High School. Rachel: What?!! Monica: Come on! Come on, I was kidding! It was such an obvious joke! Chandler: That was an obvious joke, and I didn’t think of it. Why didn’t I think of it? The source of all my powers. Oh dear God, what have I done! End Written by: Michael Borkow Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Joey: Hey, how much will you give me to eat this whole jar of olives? Monica: I won’t give you anything, but you’ll owe me 2.95. Joey: Done. Phoebe: Hey. I need an atlas! I need an atlas! Monica: Why? Do you have a report due? Phoebe: I have a date with this diplomat I met while I was giving free massages outside the UN and, I don’t know where his country is. Monica: Okay, let’s start with the free messages outside the UN. Phoebe: Oh!! That’s my new thing. I figure bodies at peace, make peace. Monica: Wow! You might just get the first Nobel prize in rubbing. So what country is this guy from? Phoebe: Ick-neck-tree-anis..... There’s a ‘g’ in there. Monica: Where’s that? Phoebe: In your atlas! Monica: I don’t have an atlas. Phoebe: Oh. Monica: Oh, but wait I do have a globe. Phoebe: Oh. Monica: Hold on. Joey: So Pheebs what’s this guy like? Phoebe: Umm, well he’s very dashing, y'know, and umm, very, very sophisticated, and he doesn’t speak any English, but according to his translator, he totally gets me. Monica: ‘Kay, here you go. Phoebe: What is this? Monica: It’s a globe and, a pencil sharpener. Chandler: Hey, does anybody need anything copied? I’m going down to the Xerox place. Monica: Oh, no thanks. Chandler: Okay listen, just give me anything I can make two of. Monica: Well, if you don’t have anything to copy, why are you going down there? Joey: Yeah, are you just going down there to gawk at that hot girl with the belly button ring again? Chandler: Yeah! You wanna come? Joey: Yeah! Opening Credits Chandler: Come on Chloe! Finish up with your customer first. Come on Chloe! Come on Chloe!! Issac: Can I help you? Chandler: Uh-oh. Joey: Uh, y'know what, we’re having second thoughts about our copying needs. And we’ll need a little more time to think about it. Issac: Chloe, switch with me, there’s some guys here that got a crush on you. Chandler: Okay, that hurt us. Chloe: Hi guys. I haven’t seen you since this morning. Chandler: Well ah, ........y'know. Chloe: Hey, what are you guys doing tomorrow night? Joey: Both of us? Chloe: Maybe. Does that scare ya? Chloe: Relax. It’s just Issac’s D.J.-ing at the Philly. You should come. Joey: We’ll be there. Chloe: Great. I’ll ah, see ya then. Chandler: All right, rock on. Sergei: Mischa: He’s says, ‘Walking with you makes this strange city, feel like home.’ Phoebe: Me too. Although this city is my home, so. So that’s dumb what I said, don’t tell him I said that. Umm, you make something up. thank you. This is me. Here. Mischa: Your eyes are very pretty. Phoebe: Thank you! Mischa: He would like to kiss you. Phoebe: Well the moment’s over. Phoebe: Oh. Mischa: Oy! Phoebe: See there it is right there. Monica: Wow! It’s small. Phoebe: Yeah. But Sergei said it took the Germans six weeks to get all the way across it. Monica: So you had fun, huh? Phoebe: Yeah. Except for, y'know when you’re on a date and you’re getting along really great but the guy’s translator keeps getting in the way. Monica: No. Ross: Hey. Phoebe and Monica: Hey. Ross: What is ah, Rach in her room? Monica: Oh no, she’s still at work, but she told me to tell you to call her. Ross: Oh what?! Is she gonna cancel on me again?! How can she do this? Doesn’t she know it’s our anniversary? Monica: All right ah, Ross, this is the extent of my knowledge on the subject. Call Rachel. Ross: What’s that on the bottom? Monica: Oh that’s my doodle of a ladybug, with a top hat. She’s fancy. Rachel: Hello. Ross: Hey, honey. Rachel: Oh, hi. Ross: Hey, what’s going on? Rachel: Well, there was a disaster in shipping and I’ve got to get this order in. Honey, I’m so sorry, but it looks like I’m gonna be here all night. Ross: What, do you, well umm, oh how about I come up there? Rachel: No-no-no, no, honey please, I’ve got, I’ve just have so much to deal with. Phoebe: Anyway, I’m going out with Sergei again tonight, and um, could you come and be the translator’s date? So that when we, it’s time for our alone time, you two could split off. Y'know, he’s really, he’s kinda cute. Monica: Yeah, well kinda cute, like really kinda cute, or kinda cute like your friend Spackel Back Larry? Phoebe: Hey, don’t call him that! His name is Spackel Back Harry! Chandler: Hey, y'know what, maybe we should get going. I mean what time did Chloe say we should be there? Joey: Uh, 10:30. Chandler: What time is it now? Joey: 4:30. Chandler: Yeah all right, so we’ll hang out. Joey: Yeah. Hey, remember when she brought up that thing about the three of us? Chandler: Yes. Vividly. Joey: She was kidding about that right? Chandler: Yeah, I-I-I think so. Yeah, I-I think so... Joey: God, that would be weird it that situation presented itself tonight, huh? Chandler: Yeah. Yeah, I mean what, what would we do? Joey: Dude, I don’t know. Chandler: She was kidding. Joey: Yeah. Chandler: She was.... But y'know what, just in case, maybe we should come up with a set of ground rules. Joey: Yeah, for sure. Okay. Probably want the first thing to be, never open your eyes. Y'know, because you don’t want to be doing something and then look up and see something you don’t want to be seeing. Chandler: Yeah. Good call, nice one. Hold it!! Hold it! What if me eyes are closed, and, and my hand is out there.... Joey: Ah!! Okay! Eyes open at all times! Oh, hey, how do we decide where we... be? Chandler: Right. Right. Well ah, y'know we could flip for it. Joey: Yeah, I guess, but what’s like heads and what’s tails? Chandler: Well it you don’t know that, then I don’t want to do this with you. Rachel: We’re holding. Ross: Hi! Rachel: Oh!! My God, what are you doing here? Ross: Well you said you couldn’t go out so.... Sophie: You brought a picnic, oh, what a boyfriend. That’s it, on Monday I start wearing make-up. Rachel: Ross honey, this is very nice, but, but I-I got a crisis. Ross: Yeah, but I got cous-cous! Rachel: Honey, honey, I’m sorry, I know it’s our anniversary but I told you on the phone I don’t have time to stop. Ross: Okay, you don’t have to stop, I’m invisible, I’m not here. Rachel: But I don’t, hmm... Get me Mark on the phone! Sophie: I love Mark. Do you know Mark? Ross: Yeah!! Rachel: Well, let me just check that with what I got here, all right see 038 is not the number for Ross: Pepper? Rachel: None for me. Ross: Okay sorry, whew. Rachel: I’m sorry, as I was saying the store number is wrong, and I’m sorry but that’s... Oh my God!! Ross: Okay, that’s a fire. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Rachel: What are you doing? Ross: I’m sorry. But ah, hey, oh, somebody’s off the phone, how ‘bout a glass of wine by the fire, I could get it going again. Rachel: Ross you’re not listening to me, I don’t have time to stop. Ross: Come on Rach, you don’t have what, ten minutes? Rachel: I don’t have ten minutes!! Ross: What? Sophie, does she have ten minutes? Rachel: Hey, Ross!!! I told you I don’t! Ross: Don’t yell at me okay, this is the most I’ve seen you all week. Rachel: Look, I cannot do this right now, okay, I’ve got a deadline, would you just go home, I’ll talk to you later. Ross: Yeah, but wait... Rachel: Good bye! Sophie: Actually, that’s our three hole punch. Ross: Hey. Rachel: Hi. Look um, about what happened earlier... Ross: No, hey, well, I-I completely understand. You were, you were stressed. Rachel: I was gonna give you a chance to apologise to me. Ross: For what? For letting you throw me out of your office? Rachel: You had no right coming down to my office Ross. You do not bring a picnic basket to somebody’s work! Unless maybe they were a park ranger! Ross: Yeah, well excuse me for wanting to be with my girlfriend on our anniversary, boy what an ass am I. Rachel: But I told you, I didn’t have the time! Ross: Yeah, well you never have the time. I mean, I don’t feel like I even have a girlfriend anymore, Rachel. Rachel: Wh, Ross what do you want from me? You want me, you want me to quit my job so you can feel like you have a girlfriend? Ross: No, but it’d be nice if you realised, it’s just a job! Rachel: Just a job! Ross: Yes. Rachel: Ross do you realise this is the first time in my life I’m doing something I actually care about. This is the first time in my life I’m doing something that I’m actually good at. I mean. if you don’t get that... Ross: No, hey, I get that, okay, I get that big time. And I’m happy for ya, but I’m tired of having a relationship with your answering machine! Okay, I don’t know what to do anymore. Rachel: Well neither do I! Ross: Is this about Mark? Rachel: Oh my God. Ross: Okay, it’s not, it’s not. Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight over and over again, Ross, no, you’re, you’re, you’re making this too hard. Ross: Oh I’m, I’m making this too hard. Okay, what do you want me to do. Rachel: I don’t know, I don’t know. Urrrgh! Look, maybe we should take a break. Ross: Okay, okay, fine, you’re right. Let’s ah, let’s take a break, Rachel: No. A break from us. Commercial Break Chloe: And the advances in collating in the past five years, I mean we just got in an X-5000, y'know. The X-5000 makes the X-50 look like a T-71. Chloe: Hi, Ross. Ross: Oh, hi Chloe. Chloe: I want you to met some friends of mine. This guy is my hero, he comes in with some stuff he wants it blown up 400%, we said we don’t do that, and he says you gotta. And y'know what, we did it. And now anytime anybody wants 400, we just say ‘let’s Ross it!’ Chandler: And that’s the only colour that comes in. Issac: Yo, Chloe, do you have a quarter for the condom machine? Chloe: Oh! Chandler: So, what are you doing here? I thought tonight was your big anniversary dinner. Ross: Yeah, little change in plans. Ahh, we’re gonna break-up instead. Monica: Oh, and I can also speak a little French. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? Why? What did I say? Mischa: Well, you just asked if I wanted to go to bed with you tonight. Monica: Oh my God! No wonder I get such great service at Cafe Maurice. Phoebe: Knock, knock, knock, knock, hi. Um, could you please tell Sergei that um, I was fascinated by what Boutros Boutros Gali said in the New York Times. Phoebe: You didn’t say Boutros Boutros Gali. Mischa: Boutros Boutros Gali. Mischa: He says he was too. Phoebe: Interesting. Mischa: So I was wondering.... Phoebe: Okay, ah, before you get all talky again, umm, could you also please tell Sergei that I really like his suit. Mischa: So you're a chef? Monica: I’m also thinking about opening up my own restaurant. Mischa: Oh, really. Phoebe: Monica, can I talk to you behind my menu, please. What are you doing? Monica: Well, I was having a conversation. Phoebe: Yeah but, Mischa is so interested in you, that Sergei and I haven’t been able to say two words to each other. Monica: What do you want me to do? Just sit here silently while you three have a conversation? Phoebe: That would be great. Thank you. Rachel: Hello! Mark: Oh, hi. It’s Mark. Rachel: Oh. Mark: What? Is it my breath? Rachel: No! Sorry, I just thought you were somebody else. Hi! Mark: Hi. Well, look, I was just gonna leave a message, isn’t tonight your, your big anniversary dinner? Rachel: Yeah. Well, umm..... Mark: Rach, are you okay? Rachel: Yeah, I’m fine. Mark: You wanna talk, I mean I can come over? Rachel: No! Really, no, please, please, that’s, that’s okay. Mark: All right, all right, I’m coming over, and I’m bringing Chinese food. Rachel: Oh, yeah, I’m not, I’m not hungry. Mark: It’s for me. Rachel: Oh. Okay, bye. Joey: So what are you gonna do? Ross: What can I do? One person wants to break-up, you break-up. Chandler: Hey, no way! Come on, this is you guys, call her and work it out. Ross: Oh come on, we just had this huge fight, all right, don’t I have to wait a while? Chandler: Hey, this isn’t like swimming after you eat, pick up the phone!! Chandler: Y'know that whole swimming thing is a myth. Joey: Yeah, tell that to my Uncle Lenny. Chandler: Why? What happened to him? Joey: Nothing, he’s just really believes in that. Rachel: Oh, and then, we got into this big, stupid fight. I just, it was awful. I told him he treats me like a park ranger, or something, oh and then I told him I wanted to take a break, I don’t want to take a break. Mark: Wow. I’m sorry. Eggroll? Rachel: No. And then I called him, and he wasn’t there. Mark: Well, then he’s, he’s probably just, out. Rachel: Oh, thank you that’s very helpful, I’m glad you came over. Rachel: Hello. Ross: Hi! It’s me. Rachel: Hi! Oh, I’m so glad you called. Ross: Really? I’ve been thinking, this is crazy, I mean don’t, don’t you think we can work on this? Mark: Hey, what do you want to drink? Ross: Who’s that? Rachel: Nobody. Mark: Is it okay if I finish the apple juice? Ross: Is that Mark? Rachel: Umm, honey, look he just came over to.... Ross: Yeah! Got it! Chloe: Hey, dinosaur guy, look at you, so sad. Come dance. Ross: Ah, that’s okay, thanks. Chloe: Hey, you don’t have to smile. You just have to dance. Ross: Look, I don’t feel like dancing, I feel like having a drink. Okay? Chloe: Oh, okay. Mischa: And the vet said it was time. And so from half a world away, while my Mother held the phone to his ear, I said good bye to my dog,. In seven languages. Monica: Oh. Can I have a tissue? Phoebe: Oh, yeah, sure. I just hope you, hope you don’t accidentally suck it up through your nose and choke on it. Mischa: Sergei, would like to apologise for my behaviour tonight. Phoebe: Well, tell him, apology accepted. Mischa: You silly diplomat, why don’t you learn some English, Sergei? Phoebe: Excuse me, but umm, isn’t he paying for your dinner? Monica: Hey, the man’s dog just died. Mischa: I have just resigned my post. Would you care to accompany me to the Rainbow Room? I have diplomatic coupons. Monica: It will be my pleasure. Sergei: Uh, plate? Phoebe: Plate! Yes, plate. Sergei: Plate. Plate. Plate. Phoebe: See, we don’t need them. Sergei: Plate? Phoebe: Yeah. Ross: I like this song. Chloe: Well, you’re practically dancing already. Why don’t you just do it over here? Ross: Oh, no, no. Chloe: What? Are you married? ‘Cause that’s okay. Rachel: Oh, be home, be home, be home, be home, be home, be home. Be home. Be home, be home, be home. Oh, you’re not home. Chloe: Still no smile? To Be Continued...... Closing Credits Sergei: Ameri-ccan. Phoebe: Ameri-can. Sergei: Ameri-ccan. Phoebe: Ameri-can. Y'know it’s a very hard language. Let’s do it again. Sergei: End Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Joey: Previously on Friends. Ross: I mean, I don’t feel like I even have a girlfriend anymore. Rachel: You want me to just quit my job so that you can feel like you’ve got a girlfriend? Ross: Is this about Mark? Rachel: Oh my God. Ross: Okay, it’s not, it’s not. Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight with you Ross! Look, urrgh, maybe we should take a break. Ross: Fine, you’re right. Let’s ah, let’s take a break, Rachel: No. A break from us. Rachel: Then, we had this big, stupid fight, and I said I wanted to take a break, I don’t want to take a break. Ross: I’ve been thinking, this is crazy, I mean don’t, don’t you think we can work on this? Mark: Hey, what do you want to drink? Ross: Who’s that? Rachel: Nobody. Ross: Is that Mark? Rachel: Umm, honey, look he just came over to.... Ross: Yeah! Got it! Chloe: Hey, come dance. What? Are you married? ‘Cause that’s okay. The Next Morning Monica: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Monica: How’s the big anniversary dinner? Rachel: Well, we never actually got to dinner. Monica: Ohhh, nice. Rachel: No, we kinda broke up instead. Monica: What?! Rachel: God, Monica it’s on the ceiling. Monica: That’s okay, this is more important than fruit on my ceiling! You broke up?! Rachel: Yeah, but it’s okay, because when Ross left Mark came over. Monica: Oh no!! Rachel: No. Monica: Rachel, you and Mark?! Rachel: No, no-no, it’s okay, calm down. Mark and I talked, and I realised how much I love your stupid brother, and, yeah, we got our problems, but I really want to make it work. Chloe: Morning! Opening Credits Rachel: Hi, it’s me. I’ve been trying to reach you all night. I feel awful. Please, Ross, you gotta know there is nothing between me and Mark. This whole break-up thing is just stupid. Ross: Yeah!! Rachel: Eh, I’m just so sorry I put you through it. And, I y'know, I don’t want to get back together over a machine. Ross: Na-huh. Rachel: So, I love you. Ross: I love you. Rachel: And y'know what, I’m gonna, I’m gonna go to bed now, but ah, on my way to work tomorrow morning, I’m gonna stop by around 8:30. Ross: Okay. Rachel: Bye. Ross: Chloe, Chloe how’s it coming?!! Chloe: Hey, what kind of puppy do you think I should get? Ross: Umm, oh, hey, I don’t know. How about a big one? Chloe: But my apartment is so... Ross: Well then a small one!! Listen, let’s, we kinda have to get going! Chloe: Wait! Where’s my shoes? Ross: You, you sure you need shoes? Chloe: Do I know why we’re rushing? Ross: Yeah, y'know the ah, the girlfriend I told you about last night? Well it turns out she ah, she wants to get back together with me. Oh, I found it!! Chloe: That’s so great for you guys! Ross: Yeah! Chloe: You must be so happy! Ross: Yes, yes I am, one of the many things I’m feeling. Well.... Chloe: Good luck, with your girlfriend. Ross: Oh, thank you. Rachel!!!! Rachel: Hi. Ohhh, you got my message. Ross: Yeah, oh hey, you are right on time. Rachel: So what do you say? Can I be your girlfriend again? Ross: Yes, you can, very much. Ross: Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey. Phoebe: Hey, why are you mopping your ceiling? Monica: Oh, there’s banana on it. Phoebe: Wow, I have the spirit of an old Indian women living in mine. Monica: So then you know? Phoebe: The mailman was downstairs, so I brought up your mail. Monica: Oh, good. Thanks. Phoebe: Now what is Fabutec? Monica: Okay, all right don’t judge me to much. Okay? Um, but I saw this info-mercial, and um, I swear to you I have never-ever bought anything on TV before, except for this mop. But there was this stuff on leg waxing, it just, it looked so amazing.... Phoebe: Waxine!! Monica: Yes! Have you seen it? Phoebe: Oh, it’s incredible! I so want to be a Waxine girl. Monica: I know!! Phoebe: God. Do think it really doesn’t hurt? ‘Cause how can they do that? Monica: Hello! Organic substances recently discovered in the depths of the rain forest! Phoebe: They have the best stuff in there. Chandler: Oh my God! Oh my God! Joey: Yeah. We figured when we couldn’t find you, you’d gone home to make up with Rachel. Which is probably what you shoulda done. Huh? Ross: You think?! God, I, ah, I’m in hell. I mean what, what am I gonna do? Rachel’s all like, ‘I love you and, and let’s work on this.’ And all I can think about is, ‘What is she gonna do? What is she gonna say?’ when I tell her what I did. Chandler: Well, before we answer that, I think we should address the more important question. How dumb are you? Ross: What?! Look, we’re trying to rebuild a relationship here, right. How am I supposed to do that here, without being totally honest with each other? Joey: Look, Ross look, I’m on board about this totally honesty thing, I am, just not about stuff that’s gonna get you in trouble. Chandler: He’s right. Nobody’s gonna benefit, and you’re just gonna hurt her. Joey: Yeah, and there won’t be a relationship left to rebuild. Ross: Yeah, but don’t you think.... Chandler: All right look, if you absolutely have to tell her, at least wait until the timing’s right. And that’s what deathbeds are for. Ross: Yeah, okay. Joey: All right, okay, now, we just have to make sure she doesn’t find out some other way. Did you think about the trail? Ross: What trail? Joey: You always have to think about the trail! Ross: Oh, I-I don’t think there’s any trail. Chandler: Okay, okay-okay, ah, Chloe works with that guy Issac. Issac’s sister is Jasmine. And Jasmine works at that message place with Phoebe. And Phoebe’s friends with Rachel. And that’s the trail, I did it! Phoebe: After applying the Waxine and linen strips to leg number one, Monica: Did that! Phoebe: Grasp one of the linen strips by its ‘easy grab tab’ and pull it off in one quick pain free motion. Monica: Okay. Ow!!!!! Ow-oh-oh! Phoebe: Was it not pain-free? Monica: No. It was painful. Oh my God , they should call it Pain-zine, now with a little wax. Phoebe: Huh, well, the girls in the satin nighties on the commercial don’t seem to think it’s that bad. Monica: That’s because their nerves are probably deadened from being so stupid. But hey, y'know if you don’t believe me, please, by my guest. Phoebe: Ow-ow-ow-ow! Oh my God!!! Monica: Now, are you glad we didn’t start with the bikini strips? Ross: Chloe? Hi.. Chloe: Is this about me taking your watch? Ross: You took my watch? Chloe: I’m sorry, I do that. Ross: Just you keep it, listen did you, did you tell anyone about us? Chloe: Oh no. I feel it isn’t really anybody’s business, y'know. Ross: Exactly. So you didn’t, didn’t mention anything to Issac right? Chloe: Oh, well I tell Issac everything. Ross: You tell, of course you do. Issac. Issac. Hey, Issac. Issac, hi! Y'know we haven’t actually met... Issac: You dog! Ross: Yes, I suppose I am a dog. But Issac, see I-I happen to have a girlfriend. Issac: Oh right, that Rachel chick from the coffee place. Ross: Yeah, that’s the one. Listen, I don’t want to hurt her. Issac: Oh, hey, man I know, doesn’t matter how much we love ‘em, monogamy is too cruel a rule. Ross: Yeah. Listen, can you keep this information to yourself? Issac: Aw, no problem dude. Y'know we got to look out for each other. We’re the same, you and me. Ross: Actually, no, we’re not. Issac: Yeah, we are. Ross: No, we’re not. Issac: Yeah, we are. Ross: No, we’re not!! Issac: Okay, we’re not. Ross: Right. Issac: But, we are. Ross: Fine. I just need to know that you’re not gonna tell your sister. Issac: I can promise not to tell her again. Ross: Jasmine? Jasmine: Uh-huh. Ross: We met at Phoebe’s birthday party, I’m, I’m Ross Geller. Jasmine: You did a bad thing! Ross: Yes, I did. Jasmine: Very bad! Ross: Very bad. Jasmine: Very, very bad. Ross: I’m agreeing with you. Did you, listen, did you happen to tell Phoebe yet? Jasmine: No. Ross: Okay, Jasmine, please, please don’t. I love my girlfriend very much, and I want more than anything to just work it out with her. Okay? Jasmine: All right. Ross: Thank you, thank you. Jasmine: But you should probably talk to my roommate, because I told him and he knows Phoebe too. Ross: Who’s your roommate? Ross: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell me you didn’t say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the Xerox place. Gunther: I’m sorry. Was I not supposed to? Commercial Break Monica: Ow! Phoebe: Oh!! Monica: Ow!! Ow!! Phoebe: Ow!!! Monica and Phoebe: Ow!!!!!!! Ow-ow-ow-ow! Phoebe: We’re all right. Monica: It’s okay, it’s okay. Phoebe: We’re all right. Monica: We were just waxing our legs. Chandler: Off?!! Phoebe: For your information, this happens to be a pain like no man will ever experience. Chandler: Yeah, well I don’t think you can make that statement, unless you’ve been kicked in an area that God only meant to be treated nicely. Joey: Yeah, I-I think that women just have a lower threshold of pain than men, that’s all. I mean, come on, it’s just a little wax. Phoebe: Oh yeah, come here. Chandler: Oh, that’s mature. Joey: Okay, fine, so now what, I just pull it off? Phoebe: Uh-huh. Monica: That’s right. Ross: Come on, Rachel, come on! Talk to me! Please!! Rachel: I can’t talk to you. I can’t even look at you right now! Monica: What? Chandler: Nothing, nothing. Monica: Rachel said everything was okay. Phoebe: What, what are they talking about? Ross: Rachel? Rachel: Just get away from me! Ross: No, it was a mistake! I made a mistake! Okay? Rachel: A mistake?! What were you trying to put it in? Her purse?! Phoebe: Whe-where did he put it?! Rachel: Ross, you had sex with another woman! Monica: Oh my God. Phoebe: Oh, I knew something had to be wrong, because my fingernails did not grow at all yesterday. Chandler: Yeah, well, I guess they had a fight, and he got drunk.... Monica: Oh!! You guys knew about this and you didn’t tell us?! Chandler: He has sex, and we get hit in our heads. Rachel: Y'know what, I want you to leave! Get outta here! Ross: No!! Rachel: Just get out! Now!! Ross: No!! No!! I wanna stay. I wanna talk about this. Rachel: Okay! All right! How was she? Chandler: Uh-oh. Ross: What? Rachel: Was she good? Joey: Don’t answer that. Rachel: Come on Ross! You said you wanted to talk about it, let’s talk about it!! How was she? Ross: She was... Joey: Awful! Horrible! Chandler: She was not good. Not good. Joey: She was nothing compared to you. Ross: She, she was different. Joey: Ewwwww! Chandler: Uh-oh. Rachel: Good different? Ross: Nobody likes change. Ross: What? Okay, okay, okay, okay. Phoebe: Should we do something? Chandler: Yeah, never cheat on Rachel. Ross: I’m sorry, okay, I’m sorry. I wa-I was disgusted with myself, and this morning I was so, I was so upset and then I got your message and I was so happy, and all I wanted was to get her out of my apartment as fast as possible. Rachel: Whoa!! Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What time did your little friend leave? Oh my God. She was there? She was still there? She was in there, when I was in there?! Ross: Listen. Oh hey, hey, the important thing was that she meant, she meant nothing to me! Rachel: And yet she was worth jeopardising our relationship!! Ross: Look, I didn’t think there was a relationship to jeopardise. I thought we were broken up. Rachel: We were on a break! Ross: That, for all I knew would, could last forever. That to me is a break-up. Rachel: You think you’re gonna get out of this on a technicality? Ross: Look, I’m not trying to get out of anything, okay. I thought our relationship was dead! Rachel: Well, you sure had a hell of a time at the wake! Joey: Y'know what, I don’t think we should listen to this anymore. Monica: What, what are you doing? You can’t go out there. Joey: Why not?! I’m hungry. Monica: Because they’ll know we’ve been listening. Rachel: God! And to have to hear about it from Gunther!! Ross: Come on! Like I wanted him to tell you, I ran all over the place trying to make sure that didn’t happen! Rachel: Oh, that is so sweet. I think I’m falling in love with you all over again. Chandler: Y'know what, I think we can go out there. I mean they have more important things to worry about. Joey: Yeah, we’ll be fine. Ross: Look Rachel, I wanted to tell you, I thought I should, I-I did, and then Chandler and Joey convinced me not to. Chandler: Wax the door shut, we’re never leaving, ever. Phoebe: Hi, it’s Phoebe. Listen someone’s gonna have to take my 9:00 with Mr. Rehack, ‘cause it’s like 9:15 now, and I’m not there. Ross: Don’t you realise none of this would’ve ever happened if I didn’t think at that same moment you weren’t having sex with Mark? Rachel: All right. Let’s say I had slept with Mark. Would you have been able to forgive me? Ross: Yes I would. Rachel: You’d be okay if you knew that Mark had kissed me, and been naked with me, and made love to me? Ross: Yes. Rachel: You knew that our hot, sweaty, writhing bodies were.... Ross: La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Okay, okay, yeah, I would have been devastated but, I would still want to be with you. Because it’s, I mean it’s you. All: Ohhhhh! Ross: What? Come on Rach, tell me what you’re thinking? Rachel: I’m thinking, I’m gonna order a pizza. Ross: Order a pizza like, ‘I forgive you?’ Joey: Oh man, pizza? I like pizza. Put olives on the pizza. Phoebe: We could eat the wax! It’s organic. Chandler: Oh great, food with hair on it. Phoebe: No, not the used wax. Chandler: Because that would be crazy? Ross: Hey, can I, can I get in on that? Because I’m kinda hungry myself. Rachel: Fine. Hi! Yes, I’d like to order a large pizza. Ross: No anchovies. Rachel: With ah, extra anchovies. Ross: That’s okay, I’ll just pick ‘em off. Rachel: Yeah, and could you please chop some up and just put it right there in the sauce? Ross: You can have the last piece, if you want. Rachel: Well, I should think so. You slept with someone. Phoebe: They’re gonna get through this, aren’t they? Chandler: Yeah, come on, it’s Ross and Rachel, they’ve got too. Monica: What if they don’t? Joey: You think I need a new walk? Chandler: What? Joey: Well y'know, I’ve been walking the same way since high school. Y'know, y'know how some guys they walk into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a ‘take notice’ walk. Chandler: Are you actually saying these words? Ross: What, now you’re not even taking to me? Look Rachel, I-I’m sorry, okay, I’m sorry, I was out of my mind. I thought I’d lost you, I didn’t know what to do. Come on! Come on, how insane must I have been to do something like this? Huh? I-I don’t cheat right, I, that’s not me, I’m not Joey! Joey: Whoa-ho-ho! Yeah, okay. Monica: Hey. It’s three in the morning. They don’t know that I’ve come home yet. You notice how neither one of them are wondering where I am. Phoebe: Yeah, y'know, people can be so self-involved. Ross: Y'know what, y'know what, I’m-I’m not the one that wanted that, that break, okay. You’re the one that bailed on us. You’re the one that, that ran when things got just a little rough! Rachel: That’s.... Ross: That’s what?! Rachel: That is neither here nor there. Ross: Okay, well here we are. Now we’re in a tough spot again, Rach. What do you want to do? How do you want to handle it? Huh? Do you wanna fight for us? Or, do you wanna bail? I just can’t see us throwing away something we know is so damn good. Rachel, I love you so much. Rachel: No Ross!! Don’t! You can’t just kiss me and think you’re gonna make it all go away, okay? It doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t just make it better. Okay? Ross: Okay, okay, okay. Rachel: I think you should go. Ross: What? Rachel: I really think you need to go now. Ross: Okay, okay. This morning you said there was nothing so big that we couldn’t work past it together... Rachel: Yeah, what the hell did I know! Ross: Look, look, there’s got to be a way we can work past this. Okay, and, and.... Rachel: it doesn’t matter what you say, or what you do, Ross. It’s just changed, everything. Forever. Ross: Yeah, but this can’t be it, I mean. Rachel: Then how come it is? Closing Credits Phoebe: They’ve been quiet for a long time. Joey: Maybe she killed him? Chandler: Let’s go. Chandler: Is that your new walk? Joey: No, I really have to pee. End Written by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Joey: Can I see the comics? Chandler: This is the New York Times. Joey: Okay, may I see the comics? Monica: Guys. I thought you were taking Ross to the game? Chandler: We are. He’s meeting us here. Monica: No! Rachel is meeting us here. Phoebe: Oh come on, they can be in the same room. Joey: Yeah, you shoulda been there last night. Phoebe: Why? What happened now? Joey: Well Ross was hangin’ out over at our place, Rachel comes over to borrow some moisturiser from Chandler.... Chandler: Yeah y-you, how hard is it to say something? Rachel came over to borrow something. Joey: Anyway! Her and Ross just started yelling at each other. Phoebe: Wait. Why was he yelling at her? He’s the one who slept with someone else. Joey: Well, I guess he says that because they were on a break when it happened, that she should of forgiven him by now. Phoebe: Whoa!! He is soo unreasonable! God, although I think I understand what he means. Oh my God, this is like 60 Minutes, okay, when, when, at first you’re really mad at that pharmaceutical company for making the drug and then y'know you just feel bad for the people because they needed to make their hair grow. Chandler: Y'know what this is like? This is like when my parents got divorced. Man, I hope Ross doesn’t try to kidnap me after Cub Scouts. Phoebe: Y'know I had a dream where Ross and Rachel were still together, they never broke up. And we were all just like hanging out, and everyone was happy.... Joey: I had the same dream! Phoebe: Yeah, and nobody slept with that Xerox girl. Joey: Oh, I had the opposite dream. Chandler: Y'know what maybe it’s gonna be okay, I mean it’s been a week. Joey: Yeah, I mean it’s never taken me a week to get over a relationship. Monica: It’s never taken you more than a shower to get over a relationship. Monica: Okay, let’s go!! Let’s hit the road!! Rachel: Hey! Monica: Let’s get the show on it! Rachel: Okay, let me just get a cup of coffee. Monica: Oh Rachel, I know the best coffee house and it’s sooo close. Rachel: Closer than here? Phoebe: Okay, let’s skedaddle. Rachel: Wait, I’m not just gonna drink somebody’s old coffee. Phoebe: Okay, your highness. Phoebe: Did anyone else hear that?! Opening Credits Rachel: Is he here? Chandler: No. Rachel: Oh. Here’s your moisturiser. Hi! Monica and Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: You guys are gonna love meee! Okay, check it out, Thursday night, five tickets, Calvin Klein lingerie show, and you guys are coming with me. Okay, I said that out loud right? Chandler: Yes, yes, it’s just that we ah, we kinda all ready, made plans with Ross. Rachel: Oh, well okay. Well, there you go. Phoebe: No, it’s just that he got this new like home theater dealie, and he wants y'know, us to check it out. Rachel: Hm-mm. Chandler: Yeah, he’s really excited about it too, he even recorded show times on his answering machine. Rachel: Ohh! Monica: We’re sorry honey. Rachel: Oh, it’s okay. Joey: Rach, it’s, it’s ah, it’s not that we don’t want to, really. Are we talking models in their underwear? Rachel: And heels. Joey: Ross, did ask us first, and we set that night aside. Rachel: No, hey, come on, if he asked you first, that’s only fair. Phoebe: Ohhh boy, do I feel bad. Joey: Oh yeah. Monica: Very bad. Phoebe: Chandler what are you doing?! Monica: Chandler!! Chandler: Oh my God! Joey: You’re smoking again?! Chandler: Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today, I’m, I’m smoking still. Phoebe: Why would you start again after chewing all that quitting gum? Chandler: Look, I’m telling you this is just like my parents divorce, which is when I started smoking in the first place. Monica: Weren’t you nine?! Chandler: Yeahhh. I’m tellin’ ya something, that ah, first smoke after nap time.... Chandler: Oh that’s great, with my luck, that’s gonna be him. Phoebe: Him? Him, Ross? Chandler: Nope, hymn 253, His Eyes Are On The Sparrow! When my parents got divorced is when I started using humour as a defence mechanism. Rachel: Hi! Uhh, do you guys have plans for the weekend? Because I have my sister on hold, and she said that we could use her cabin for the weekend and go skiing. Huh? I’m asking you first, right?!. I mean I’m playing by the rules. All: Absolutely, yeah! Rachel: Chandler! You’re smoking? What are you doing?! Chandler: Hey, shut up!! You’re not my real Mom!! Joey: Hey, can you close that window Chandler? My nipples can cut glass over here! Phoebe: Wait. Really?! ‘Cause mine get me out of tickets. Ross: Look, you guys I just wanna say, I really, really appreciate you spending this time with me. It’s been a pretty hard time right now, so I just wanna say thanks. Chandler: Can somebody else hug him? I have to stay by the window. Ross: Oh hey, hey, huh, how about this weekend we have a laser disc marathon okay, and maybe a tournament on my new dart board? Huh, huh, what do you think? Two days of darts, it’ll be great! Joey: It’ll be great for next weekend. Ross: No, no, no, this weekend guys! Joey: It’ll be great for next weekend. I mean, it’ll be grrreat. Ross: What’s going on? Phoebe: Well, we were um, sorta invited to go skiing, y'know Rachel’s sister’s cabin. Ross: So, for the whole weekend? Monica: We’re really sorry, but um, she did ask us first. Ross: Yeah, that’s okay, I mean if you guys all have to go away for the first weekend I’m alone by myself, y'know then I totally, totally understand. Phoebe: Y'know what, I can stay, I’m gonna stay. ‘Cause the last time I went skiing I was to afraid to jump off the chair lift, I just went around and around. Joey: Uh, Pheebs we kinda need you to drive us all up there in your grandmother’s cab, but y'know what, I’ll stay. Monica: Noo! I’ll stay. He’s my brother. Ross: What a pity stay? Monica: No! We’re gonna have fun. We can make fudge! Ross: Pity food? Y'know what that’s okay, all right, I don’t need any of you to stay, okay nobody stays. Chandler: Well, then, I might as well offer to stay. Joey: Hey, does anybody else feel bad about Ross? Monica: Why? Do you think he’s still mad at us? Chandler: Well he’s probably mad after you called him this morning to borrow his goggles. Joey: What? Mine aren’t tinted. Phoebe: Chandler!! Chandler: What? Phoebe: What does the sign say? Chandler: Beam me up Jesus. Phoebe: No, the ‘No Smoking’ sign. There’s no smoking in my Grandmother’s cab. Chandler: Okay, well, then, I-I have to go to the bathroom. All: Oh! Phoebe: Please! Monica: No Chandler no! No unscheduled stops. You can go when we stop for gas. Chandler: Oh, come on, there’s a rest stop right up there! Come on, I really have to goooooooooo. Joey: Oh, now I have to go!! Chandler: Here we go. Okay, brace yourselves. Monica: What? Rachel: Okay. Monica: Ow! Phoebe: Aren’t you gonna go? Rachel: No. Thank you. Monica: No, Rachel never pees in public restrooms. Rachel: Well, they never have any paper in there y'know. So my rule is ‘no tissue, no tuschy.’ Phoebe: No, y'know what don’t close it ‘cause the... keys...are in there. Chandler: Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no!! Joey: What’s going on? Chandler: Commercial Break Chandler: Damn! The tailpipe’s not hot enough to light this! Joey: Relax okay, I-I-I can get this open. Anybody have a coat hanger? Chandler: Oh I do! Op, no, wait a minute, I took it out of my shirt when I put it on this morning. Monica: So, if you’re parents hadn’t got divorced, you’d be able to answer a question like a normal person? Joey: Look, I just need a wire something to jimmy it. Oh hey, one of you guys give me the underwire from your bra! Monica: What?! Rachel: What?! Joey: Come on! Who has the biggest boobs? Monica: Please!! Joey: Whoever has the biggest boobs, has the biggest bra, therefore has the biggest wire. The Girls: No, not getting my bra! Joey: If you wanna get back in the car, we need the wire, your call. Phoebe: Okay, Monica’s are the biggest. Monica: These tiny, little non-breasts?! Please, it’s gotta be Rachel. Rachel: What, no, no, no, mine are deceptively small I mean, I-I-I actually sometimes, st-stuff my bra. Monica: All right then, your bra would still be big. Rachel: No, I stuff outside the bra. Chandler: Ladies, ladies, let’s just compromise okay? Phoebe, Rachel take off Monica’s bra. Phoebe: All right, forget it, nevermind, you can have mine. Rachel: Chandler, what are you doing? There is a trash can right there. Chandler: Well, I thought if I littered, that crying Indian might come by and save us. Phoebe: Okay, there. Joey: Thank you Phoebe, that is very, very generous. Chandler: Okay, now let’s decide who has the nicest ass. Joey: And there you go! All: Oh, yeahhhhh!!! Monica: Chandler!! Chandler: At least let me smoke it to the good part. Phoebe: Okay. Oh, no! Rachel: What, what’s it, what’s going on? Phoebe: Yeah, this has happened before. Rachel: So you know how to fix it? Phoebe: Yep. Put more gas in. Carol: Hi! Ross: Hey. Carol: Hey, what are you doing here? Ross: Well, oh just ah, I was just wondering, when you and I split up, did you get the tape that was half the last episode of M*A*S*H and half the hostages coming home? Carol: Ah yeah, but now it’s Susan and me in Mexico and the hostages coming home. Ross: Where’s Ben? Carol: He’s sleeping. Ross: Ahh. Ooh, is this a ah, is this a bad time? Carol: Umm, yeah, actually, Susan’s gonna be home any minute, it’s kinda an anniversary. Ross: Oh! I thought you guys got married in uh, January? Carol: It’s not that kind of anniversary. Ross: Ah! Oh. Carol: Sooo!! Anyway... Ross: Umm, candles, champagne, yeah anniversaries are great. ‘Cause you know love lasts forever, y'know. Nothing like it in this lifetime, money in the bank, so Rachel and I broke up. Carol: Oh God, Ross I am so sorry. Ross: Yeah, well. Carol: Y'know what, I want to talk to you about this so much, but we should probably do it when we could really get into it, are you free for dinner tomorrow night? Ross: Oh yeah, I’d love that. Carol: Oh, great! Me too. Ross: I guess it all started when Rachel got this new job. Phoebe: Okay, yeah. Triple A can pick us up. Rachel: Great! Phoebe: Yeah, what town are we near? Monica: Freemont. West-Westmont, ah Westburg? Phoebe: Then why are you answering? Do you at least know what route we’re on? Rachel: Yeah, we are definitely on Route 27. Phoebe: Okay. Okay, either 93 or 76? Rachel: I don’t know, I’m sorry, I always slept in the back when we drove up here. Phoebe: Okay. Yeah, no they don’t do that. Rachel: Ugh, okay, well somebody will come and save us. Monica: Who? I mean have you seen a car come by here in the last hour and a half? I think we should call Ross, maybe he can get a car and come pick us up. Rachel: No! No, I am not getting in a car with Ross, we will just have to live here! Phoebe: But if... Rachel: No you guys, I am not getting in a car with him, you’ll have to think of something else. Phoebe: Oh good, oh Joey and Chandler are back. Monica: So the going for help went well? Joey: Oh yeah, Smokey Joe here got half way to the highway and collapsed. Chandler: I have the lung capacity of a two year old. Monica: Then why are you smoking? Chandler: Well it’s very unsettling. Ross: ....right? Right? I mean it’s pretty unbelievable y'know, I mean they just took off, took off without even looking back. Y'know I don’t, I don’t need them, huh, I’ve got you guys now as friends, you and Susan. Carol: Ah, Susan will be so pleased. Ross: Hey, you’ve have more of these for Susan right? Carol: No. But it’s okay, I’ll just put out pickles or something. Phoebe: Ross, thank God. Ross: Pheebs? What, why are you whispering? Phoebe: I ate a bug. Monica: Phoebe: Listen Ross, we ran out of gas, and we don’t know where we are, so we can’t get a tow truck. Ross: Oh, now you want a favour? Phoebe: Yes, please. Ross: Well, oh, I’m sorry your car broke down Pheebs, but I’m a little too busy with some of my real friends right now, but please call to let me know you got home safely okay? Carol: Here, take my car, go pick up your friends. Ross: No, I’m not gonna pick them up. Carol: Listen, we both know you’re gonna do it ‘cause you’re not a jerk. Okay? So you can either sulk here for a half hour and then go pick them up, or save us both time and sulk in the car. Ross: No, Rachel doesn’t want me to.... Carol: Look, I-I-I am sorry that Rachel dumped you ‘cause she fell in love with that Mark guy, and you are the innocent victim in all of this, but don’t punish your friends for what Rachel did to you. Ross: Yeah, you’re right. Carol: You slept with someone else?! Ross: We were on a break!!! Okay!! Carol: You slept with another woman? Ross: Oh, you-you’re-you’re one to talk. Joey: Okay, done. Monica: What’s ‘pleh’? Joey: That’s ‘help’ spelled backwards so that the helicopters can read it from the air! Monica: Huh. What’s doofus spelled backwards? Rachel: Ugh!!! Phoebe: Oh, it’s Ross on one of his drives! Chandler and Joey: Hey!! Phoebe: Hi! Rachel: What is he doing here?! Ross: He is saving your butt, ah, unless of course I’m stepping on some toes here, in which case I can just mosey on, I’ve got plenty of people to help on the Interstate. All: No! Come on! Rachel: All right!! Fine! Fine. Joey: Arrrghh!! Chandler: Oh no, now it’s not gonna make any sense! Phoebe: You guys, what, what do we do about Ross who drove all the way up here? What do we do? Just like send him back and we’re then gonna go skiing? Chandler: Oh, this is horrible, it’s just horrible. Joey: Guys, do you think we should ask Ross to come along? Monica: I know, what about Rachel? I mean how are we even gonna ask her? Rachel: Ask me what? Monica: Umm, if ah, it might be okay if Ross came skiing? Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey: No, I wasn’t gonna ask you that, no. Rachel: You guys are unbelievable. No! He cannot come. Ross: Excuse me? Chandler: It’s horrible. Ross: Oh please, can’t I come to your special, magical cabin? Rachel: Why would you even want to come Ross? You’re a horrible skier. Ross: Oh-oh, hitting me where it hurts, my ski skills. Monica: Here we go again. Joey: I-I can’t handle this, you guys. Chandler: Y'know what, I can handle it, handle’s my middle name. Actually it’s the ah, middle part of my first name. Ross: All right Pheebs, your cab’s ready. Rachel: All right, let’s go! Ross: You’re welcome. Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry, were you speaking to me or sleeping with someone else? Ross: We were on a break! Rachel: Y'know Ross why don’t you put that on your answering machine! Ross: Hey-hey, it’s valid okay? And I’m not the only one who thinks so, Monica agrees with me. Rachel: What?! Monica: I don’t know. Ross: That’s what you said last night. Monica: What I said was, was that I understood. Joey’s the one who agreed with you! Ross: Okay. Rachel: Really Joey? Joey: What? Phoebe: Y'know what, but there is, there is no right or wrong, here. Rachel: No, I think it’s very obvious who’s wrong here. Ross: Obviously not to Joey. Joey: What? Ross: Look both, Joey and Monica feel the same way that I do. No-no-no-no. Chandler: Guys, guys, guess who I am?! Phoebe: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!! Hey!!! You don’t, all right you don’t have to love each other, okay? You don’t, you don’t even have to like each other much right now. But please, you have to figure out a way to be around each other. Joey: Yeah, and not put us in the middle. Phoebe: Yeah, otherwise, I mean that’s, that’s, that’s just it for us hanging out together. Y'know is that what you want? Can you be civil? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: I can. Phoebe: Okay. Good, all right, let’s get back in the car, ‘cause it’s freezing, and my chest is unsupported. Joey: Oh what, wait, wait a second, I mean, what are we doing? Who’s going with who? Ross: Look, you guys, you guys should go. No, I’m, you, you planned this all out, and I don’t want to ruin it, so you guys should just go. Joey: Come on man, you drove all the way up here. Ross: No, no, really, I’ve got to take the car back anyway, I’m spending all day tomorrow with Ben, It’s fine, no guilt I promise. Rachel: Thank you. Monica: All right, we’ll call you when we get back. Ross: Okay. Phoebe: Maybe we can like go to a movie or something. Ross: Okay. Phoebe: Or, or the rodeo!! Ross: That would be great. Phoebe: Okay! Chandler: I was being Shelly Winters from The Poseidon Adventure. Ross: I know! Phoebe: Bye!!! Closing Credits Carol: Ross! Ross: Hi! Sorry I’m late. Were you sleeping? Carol: Ahh, nooo!! Ross: Oh, great! Listen, oh I had to get you a whole new battery. I got you the best one I could, ‘cause that’s not where you want to skimp. Carol: You’re a genius, Ross. Ross: Yeah, well it came to about $112, but what the hell, just call it an even 110? Carol: Okay, I’ll pay you tomorrow. Ross: Okay. Carol: Okay, bye!! Ross: So they ah, they all took off, it was pretty hard watching them go, y'know? Carol: Yeah, okay, bye. Ross: So I’m gonna take off then! End Written by: Seth Kurland Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Monica: What’s so funny? Joey: Oh, nothing, no. It’s an acting exercise, I’m practising my fake laugh. Monica: Oh. Joey: What-what’s so funny? Gunther: Oh, no-no, no-no-no, there’s none of that in here. Chandler: Oh come on man! At least let me finish this last one. Gunther: Okay, but only if you give me a drag. Chandler: Okay. Gunther: Oh dark mother, once again I suckle at your smokey tit. Chandler: No-no, why don’t you hang on to that one. Chandler: Okay, that’s like the least fun game ever. Rachel: Well, I’m really sick of your smoking, so I brought something that is going to help you quit. Chandler: Oh. Rachel: Come on, it’s a hypnosis tape. This woman at work used it for two weeks straight and she hasn’t smoked since. Ross: Pffhah. Rachel: What’s your problem? Ross: Nothing, it’s just that hypnosis is beyond crap. Rachel: Ross, I watched you get hypnotised in Atlantic City. Ross: Hey, that guy did not hypnotise me! Okay. Rachel: Oh right, ‘cause you always pull your pants down at the count of three and play Wipe-out on your butt cheeks. Phoebe: All right, y'know forget hypnosis. The way to quit smoking is you have to dance naked in a field of heather, and then bath in the sweat of six healthy young men. Chandler: Or what my Father called Thursday night. Opening Credits Ross: Here you go. Rachel: Oh, y'know what, I didn’t want cinnamon on this. Ross: Sorry. Frank: Hi! Phoebe: Oh my God!! Frank: Hi! Phoebe: Frank! Hi! Frank: How are you? Phoebe: What are you doing here? Frank: Oh, well y'know, I would’ve called but I lost your phone number and then ah, my Mom locked me out of the house so I couldn’t find it. And then, I tried to find a pay phone, and ah, the receiver was cut off. So... Phoebe: What happened? Frank: Ah, oh, the ah, vandalism. Phoebe: But, also, what happened between you and your Mom? Frank: Well, we got into a fight ‘cause ah, she said I was to immature to get married. Phoebe: Your getting married?! Frank: Oh, yeah! All: Wow! Phoebe: My little brother’s getting married!! Frank: Oh, I knew you’d be so cool about this. All right, ah, hey, do you want to meet her? Phoebe: Do I? Frank: Do you? Phoebe: Yeah, I do, yeah. Frank: Okay, cool, all right, she just ah, parking the truck. I’m gonna, I’m gonna get my ah, my fianc�e man! Chandler: Y'know, I would’ve bet good money that he’d be the first one of us to get married. Phoebe: Yeah, isn’t it fantastic? Monica: Yeah, ah, but Pheebs don’t you think he’s a little young to get married? Phoebe: What, he’s 18. Ross: Exactly, it’ll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party. Joey: Yeah, or-or to get a hooker. Chandler: Always illegal Joe. Frank: Alice: Y'know it-it’s funny, um, Frank told me so much about you, but your not how I pictured you at all. Phoebe: Yeah, I’m a big surprise. Monica: So, um, how-how did you guys meet? Frank: Well um, I was in ah Mrs. Knight’s ah, I mean Alice, sorry, Alice, I always do that. I was in her ah, Home Ec class. Alice: And he was my best student. Frank: Yeah, she was my best teacher. Alice: Ohhh. Chandler: If that doesn’t keep kids in school, what will? Ross: And so now you guys are gonna be married? Alice: Yeah. Y'know we-we talked about just living together, but um, we want to have kids right away. Rachel: Oh my God!! Great! Phoebe: Wow, kids. Frank, are you sure you’re ready for that? Frank: I mean, how hard can it be? Y'know, I mean, y'know, babies, y'know who doesn’t want babies right? And besides y'know, I never had a Dad around, and ah, now-now I always will, ‘cause y'know, it’ll be me. Right? Alice: Y'know, I mean, really we do realise that there’s an age difference between us. Phoebe: Oh good! Okay. ‘Cause you were acting like you didn’t. Alice: Oh no, but when it comes to love, what does age matter? Hypnosis Tape: You are falling fast asleep. Deeper. Deeper. Deeper. You are now completely asleep. You don’t need to smoke. Cigarettes don’t control you. You are a strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke. A strong, confident woman. Monica: And y'know what, I just realised, in the last year I’ve only gone out with two guys, Richard and Julio. You gotta help me out here, you gotta set me up, you gotta get me back in the game. Rachel: Well, that shouldn’t be a problem. I mean I work in fashion and all I meet are eligible straight men. Monica: Pete, can I get you something else? Pete: Yeah, a slice of cheesecake and-and a date if you’re given’ ‘em out. Monica: Haven’t you and I covered that topic? Pete: Hmm, come on, you just said to her that you…. Monica: Aww, the only reason you want to go out with me because my blond wig, and the big boobs, and the fact that I serve you food. Pete: Well, if that were true, I’d dating my Aunt Ruth. And the two times we went out were just plain awkward. Come on, you think she should go out with me, don’t you? Rachel: Well, I mean, are you sure you want to go out with her? I mean that ain’t a pretty picture in the morning, y’know what I mean. That wig all in disarray, and boobs flung over the night stand, y'know. Monica: I mean really, think about it. Pete: Ho-ho, I will. Phoebe: No, I know, I know, that this is Frank’s life, y'know. Y'know, I don’t want to be all judgmental, y'know, but this is sick, it’s sick and wrong! Ross: Pheebs, what, is it the age thing? Phoebe: No-no, oh, I’m fine with the age thing y'know, until it starts sticking it’s tongue down my little brother’s throat! Joey: Pheebs, he seems to enjoy it. Phoebe: But, I mean, do you think he’s gonna enjoy it when he’s up to his elbows in the diapers from all the babies they have to have right away?! This is not fair to Frank, and it-it’s not fair to the babies, and y'know what, it’s not good home economics. Joey: Well, have-have you told him how you feel? Phoebe: Yes. Not out loud. Ross: Pheebs, if you don’t tell him, soon he’s gonna be married, and then you’re gonna hate yourself. Phoebe: Yeah, but if I do tell him, then he’s gonna hate myself. I mean look at him and his Mom, I can’t. But, you guys can, please you gotta talk him out of it. Ross and Joey: No-no-no-no-no. Phoebe: Come on, you guys, you have nothing to lose, I have everything to lose. Do you want me to lose everything? Everything?! Ross and Joey: No. Phoebe: Okay, I’m gonna go get Frank. Joey: So, we’re walking down the street and I turn to you and I say, “Hey, let’s go hang out at Totally Nude Nudes,” remember? And then, and then, you turn to me and say, “Nah, let’s just hang out at your place.” Well, that was a nice move dumb ass. Rachel: I think you should definitely go out with this guy. Monica: Nah, he doesn’t do anything for me. Rachel: Monica, last Saturday night, what happened on Walker: Texas Ranger? Monica: Well, umm, Walker was looking for this big bus load of kids…. All right, I get your point. Rachel: All right. Chandler: Hi. Monica: Hey. Chandler: Y'know, I forgot the combination to this about a year ago? I just carry it around. Do you have any Chap Stick? Monica: Uh, yeah. Rachel: Hey, how are those tapes working out for ya? Chandler: Y'know what, pretty good. Rachel: Yeah? Chandler: Good! I haven’t smoked yet today, I feel great, and-and-and confident, that is a stunning blouse. Rachel: Thank you. Monica: Here you go. Chandler: Thanks Rachel: Hey Mon, let’s give Pete a chance Come on, he was funny, he seems really nice, and that check thing was adorable. Chandler: What check thing? Monica: As a joke, this customer at work who has a crush on me gave me a $20,000 tip. His number is on the check, he just did so I’d call him. Chandler: Is this him? Monica: That’s Bill Clinton. Chandler: Who’s he huggin’? Monica: Oh my God! That’s Pete! But why is Bill huggin’ Pete? Chandler: This guy invented Moss 865! Every office in the world uses that program! Rachel: We use it!! Chandler: There you go!! Rachel: Oh my God, Monica’s gonna go out with a millionaire. Monica: I’m not gonna go out with him. Rachel: Oh my God, I can’t believe this is a real $20,000 check, oh this is just so exciting. Monica: Or incredibly offensive. Rachel: Oh yeah, sure, that too. Chandler: What? Ross: All we’re saying is don’t rush into anything. Joey: Yeah, come on, think about it. You’re 18, okay, she’s 44, when you’re 36, she’s gonna be 88. Frank: What, you don’t think I know that? Joey: Look, the point is, there’s a lot of women out there you haven’t even had sex with yet! Ross: Yeah, he-he’s right, he’s right. This is your time y'know, yeah, you’re young, you’re-you’re weird, chicks dig that. Frank: Okay, but isn’t sex better when it’s with one person that you really, really care about. Joey: Yeah, in a poem maybe. Ross: No the man’s right, that’s what I had with Rachel. Frank: You don’t have it anymore? Ross: No, I ah, I slept with someone else. Frank: Okay, so wait, all right, so how does that make things better? Ross: It didn’t. Frank: Okay, so what you used to have with Rachel, is what I’ve got with Alice. Joey: Now, wh-what, what is that like? Frank: It’s so cool man, it’s so, it’s just ‘cause being with her is so much better than like not being with her. Ross: Yeah, yeah. Joey: Why can’t I find that? Ross: Don’t ask me, I had it and I blew it! Joey: Well, I want it! Frank: You can have it! Joey: I don’t know, maybe I can’t. I mean, maybe there’s something wrong with me. Ross: Oh, no! No! Frank: It’s out there man! I’ve seen it! I got it!! Joey: Then you hold on to it!! Frank: All right, man!! Joey: All right, congratulations you lucky bastard! Phoebe: You’re Frank’s best man?! Joey: I couldn’t help it, there love is so pure. Phoebe: Well then, what about you?! Huh?! Ross: I’m the ring bearer. Commercial Break Phoebe: Hi! Oh, Alice, hi! Thanks. I’m so glad you could come, ‘cause I’ve got a real umm, Home Ec emergency. Alice: Oh my God, who died on this?! Phoebe: Yeah, I know. It’s a real mustard-tastrophe. Can you help me? Alice: Absolutely. Okay, first we’ll start with a little club soda and salt, and then if that doesn’t work we can go back to… Phoebe: Y'know what, forget it. It’s ruined. Alice: Oh no-no, never say that. If we can’t get it out then we can cut around the stain, add a little lace, you make a stylish throw. Phoebe: Or instead, maybe you could just not marry my brother Frank. Pete: Okay, that’s great, but can we make it smaller? Can we make it fit on the head of a pin? I love when we make things fit on the head of a pin. All: Got it. Yeah all right. Yeah, okay. Secretary: You have a Miss Monica Geller here. Pete: Uh, absolutely, yeah, sEnd her in. Hi. Monica: What the hell is this? Pete: Hang on a second. I’m sorry what? Monica: Seriously, what is this supposed to mean? Pete: Well, y’know, I never know how much to tip. Monica: You’re supposed to double the tax. Not double the tax of Romania. I mean, what’s-what’s the deal? Are you, are you trying to buy me? Is this the way you get girls to go out with you? Employee: Umm, I’m still here. Pete: You’re taking this all wrong. Because, if I didn’t leave you that tip, you wouldn’t of come down here, we wouldn’t be having this argument, and there wouldn’t be this ah, heat between us. Monica: What?! Pete: Come on, you gotta admit that our relationship is ah, is hitting a new level now. ‘Cause you used to be like the chef, and I was the customer, and now we’re like this-this couple that fights. Monica: Okay, umm, you’re a loon. Pete: Look, forget the check, okay. I like you. I think you’re great. Come on, what do you say? Monica: I don’t know. Pete: Why not? Monica: ‘Cause I don’t want to encourage this kind of behaviour. Pete: One meal! That’s all I’m asking for. Please? We go out, we eat, and if you don’t have a good time, I give you ten grand, we call it even. Frank: Wait, no! Just put the mail down. It’s-it’s me! Phoebe: Okay. Whoa, sorry. Why were you just like all in the dark? Frank: Oh well, um, your, your laundry just smelled so good, that I thought I’d curl up in it. Is that all right? Phoebe: Oh, yeah, sure. So, how was your day? Frank: Oh, well just probably the worst one since I’ve been alive. Phoebe: What umm, what happened? Frank: Umm, Alice ah, she ah, called it off. Phoebe: Oh no. Did umm, did she say why? Frank: Uh, no, not really, just that I was too young, y'know, but I don’t see how I could all of the sudden be too young, ‘cause I’m older than I was when we first got together. Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, no, I don’t, I don’t know. But, y'know what, maybe it’s just all for the best? Frank: Yeah, if the best is like unbelievable pain! Phoebe: Oh, sweetie, oh. Frank: Y'know, I just was finally happy y'know. For the first time in my life! After my Dad left me, and then, and then getting arrested for stealing those birds, and then, and then the whole punctured lung thing! I can, it’s still really hard to take deep breaths in cold weather, but with Alice all that stuff kinda went away. And now it’s, and now it’s gone and I don’t know why! Phoebe: Uh, well I can tell you why. It’s, it’s because of me. But, y'know what, I only did it because I love you. Okay? Frank: What? Phoebe: Umm, well I, I kinda had a little chat with Alice, and I sort of made her see why you two shouldn’t be together, y'know. And you’re gonna see it to, one day, you really, really will. Frank: Wait a minute, wait, this is because of you? Phoebe: Okay. Frank: Well, you, wait no, my Mother didn’t want us to be together, but the worst thing she ever did was tie me to the porch. Phoebe: Okay, but. Frank: Wait, y'know what, I-I came to you because I thought you’d understand! Oh no!! Y'know, I would storm out of here right now if-if I had some money, or a place to go… Rachel: Oh my God! The millionaire’s here! Chandler: Monica: Guys, please, I’m just gonna have dinner with him. Okay? Chandler: Okay, okay, just because he buys you dinner, does not mean you owe him anything. Monica: I know!! Chandler: Okay, then get the lobster! Monica: Hey! Pete: Hi. Rachel: Hi!! Joey: Hey! Ross: Hi! Joey: Hey, how much cash do you got in your pocket right now? Monica: And that’s why, I’m not inviting you in for a drink. Bye. All: Oh-no-no-no-no…. Rachel: Just one drink?! Monica: So, where do you want to go? Pete: Hey, you like pizza? Monica: Oh, that’s sounds great. Pete: I know a great little place. Pete: You’re, hey, you’re not paying for the pizza! Monica: Oh come on, it’s only fair, you paid for the flight. Now is, is that enough lire? Pete: Ahh, I’d throw another thousand on that. Monica: Why, how much is that? Pete: That’s about 60 cents. Joey: Every night!! Hypnosis Tape: You do not need to smoke. Cigarettes don’t control you. You are a strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke. A strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke. Phoebe: Hey, Frank. Look, okay, I know that you think I did like this totally evil thing, but I so didn’t. There’s someone here who can explain this better than I can. Alice: Hi Frank. Frank: Hi, Mrs. Knight. Alice: Phoebe’s right Frank. I know it’s hard to hear, but it would’ve been wrong to go through with it. I-I-I was being selfish, even though we, we want the same things now, in the future we may not. Is that it, is that what it is? Phoebe: Yeah, but not just that. Alice: Right, not just that. Umm, even though we love each other as much as we do, none the less… Phoebe: None the less. Alice: None the less. Umm, you’re too young to, to really know what you want. Phoebe: That’s right, exactly. . Closing Credits Hypnosis Tape: Cigarette’s don’t control you. You are a strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke. Joey: And you also want to buy him hundreds of dollars worth of pants. End Written by: Adam Chase Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Gunther: Here you go. Rachel: Thank you. Gunther: Say Rachel, I was wondering if you’d like to go to a movie with me sometime. As my lover! Nnnsch, to out there. Maybe you’d just like to ah, get something to eat with me sometime? As my lover. Mark: Hi! Rachel: Hi! All right, let’s go shoppin’!! Mark: Um, y'know, before we go ah, there’s something I need to say. Rachel: Oh, okay. Mark: I’ve kinda of had this ah, this crush on you. But since you were with Ross, I-I didn’t do anything about it. But, now that you’re not, I’d really like to ask you out sometime. So-so that’s-that’s what I’m doing, now. Rachel: Wow! Umm.... Gunther: I dropped a cup. Opening Credits Pete: ...so y'know, that’s why, within a few years, that voice recognition is gonna be pretty much standard on any computer you buy. Y'know, so you could be like-like, ‘Wash my car.’ ‘Clean my room.’ It’s not gonna be able to do any of those things, but it’ll understand what you’re saying. Monica: Oh, this is so great. Pete: Yeah, it was. Monica: All right then. Bye. Monica: Hello, people who do not live here. All: Hi! Hello! Monica: I gave you a key for emergencies! Phoebe: We were out of Doritos. Ross: Hey, how’d the date go with Mr. Millionaire? Chandler: Mr. Millionaire, new from Snooty Playthings! Third wife sold separately. Monica: He’s great! I mean we have such a good time together! He’s so funny, and sooo sweet, and I’m not attracted to him at all!! Ross: Still?! Monica: Noo!! It’s driving me crazy. I mean every other way he’s like the perfect guy, he has everything. Plus! He actually has everything. Chandler: Life-sized Imperial Storm Troopers from Sharper Image? Monica: Two. Chandler: Wow!! Can Joey and I put them on and fight? Joey: Ross: I guess he musta gotten the part in that play. Monica and Phoebe: Oh. Chandler: Yeah, either that, or Gloria Estefan was right, eventually, the rhythm is going to get you. The Director: Joe. How’s it going? Joey: Good. Hey. Kate: Hi. Joey: Oh, so you’re playing Adrienne, huh? Kate: Yes. Are you one of the retarded cousins? Joey: Oh, no. Ah, I playing your husband, Victor. I’m Joey Tribianni. Kate: Hi, nice to meet you. Kate Miller. Joey: So the ah, play’s pretty great, huh? Kate: Oh, yeah. I love Jennifer Van Murray’s work. She’s so brilliantly incisive when it comes to deconstructing the psyche of the American middle class. Joey: Oh, forget about it. She rocks! Kate: Where do I know you from? Joey: Dr. Drake Remoray. Days of Our Lives. Voted most datable neurosurgeon by Teen Beat. Kate: No, that’s not it. So, you’re a soap actor? Well this must be pretty exciting for you to be in a real play, hmm? Joey: Hey, I’ve done plays before. I’m a serious actor. Kate: That info-mercial! For the milk carton spout thing! You’re-you’re-you’re the guy that doesn’t know how to pour milk!! Joey: See, I actually can pour milk, but I got you believing that I couldn’t. Now, see, that’s acting. Kate: Right, at the end, you choked on a cookie. Joey: Yeah, that was real. Phoebe: Wow! I cannot believe Mark asked you out. Rachel: I know. Phoebe: What, so what are you gonna tell him? Rachel: Well, I told him I would think about it, but I’m gonna tell him no. Phoebe: Huh. Rachel: I mean I think I’d say no to anybody right now. Oh, but it was so strange. I mean I’m standing there with this charming, cute guy, who’s asking me to go out with him, which I’m allowed to do, and I felt guilty. Y'know, like I’d be cheating on Ross or something. Phoebe: Wow. So, okay, maybe that means that, you’re not over Ross yet and you have issues with your father. Rachel: I don’t have any issues with my Father. Phoebe: Okay, so it’s probably just the Ross thing then. Joey: I hate this woman!! I hate her! She told everyone in the company about that info-mercial, and now they all keep asking me to open their drinks. Okay, and whenever I can’t do it, they’re all like-like laughing at me. Ross: Hello. Chandler and Joey: Hey! Ross: So Rachel called. Wants to see me. Going over in a minute. Joey: Wow, what-what do you think she wants? Ross: Well, maybe the crazy fog has lifted and she realises that life without me.... a-sucks. Chandler: It’s possible. You are very loveable, I’d miss you if I broke up with you. I was just trying to be supportive. Ross: Then be supportive like a guy. Chandler: If I broke up with you, I’d miss you. Ross: Hi. Rachel: Hi! Ross: You ah, wanted to see me? Rachel: Yeah. Ahh, here’s a box of your stuff. Ross: What?! Rachel: Oh, y'know, it’s just like hats, and a shirt, and CD’s, just sort of stuff that you’ve left here. Ross: What are you doing? Are you trying to hurt me? Or something? Rachel: No. Ross, it, it just seems that y'know it’s time we-we y'know, move on. I mean, I mean don’t’ you think? Ross: Yes. Rachel: Yeah? Ross: Yes, I do. Rachel: Good. Ross: Yeah, I-I really do. Hey! This-this was a gift?! Rachel: Ross, you got that for free from the museum gift shop. Ross: It’s still a gift! I got it from the gift shop! Rachel: Okay, all right, give me the mug! I’ll keep the mug. Ross: No!! Y'know-y'know don’t do me any favours. In fact, where, where’s the rest of my stuff?! Huh? Like-like my umm, Hey, this book is mine!! And-and-and, and that T-shirt you sleep in? I’d like that back too. Yes, I do. Rachel: You know how much I love that T-shirt! You never even where that T-shirt! Ross: I’m just trying to help you, move on. Rachel: Oh, you are a petty man. You are a petty, petty.... Ross: Petty... Rachel: Petty... Ross: Petty... Rachel: Petty... Ross: Petty... Rachel: Small... Ross: Small... Rachel: You are so just doing this out of spite. Ross: Awwwahuh, no, no, no!! Rachel: Huh? Ross: I’m-I’m gonna wear this all the time! I love this shirt!! Rachel: You have not worn that T-shirt since you were 15!! It doesn’t even fit you anymore! Ross: Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah... Rachel: yeah-yeah-yeah!! Ross: Oh-oh, okay, okay! Phoebe: So, you’re like a zillionaire? Chandler: And you’re our age. You’re our age. Phoebe: Y'know what, you should like, you should buy a state and then just name it after yourself. Pete: What like Pete Dakota? Phoebe: Yeah, or, or, or, Mississ-Pete. Joey: Oh, oh, I got it! Pete-Chicago. Chandler: That’s not a state Joe. Joey: Oh, and Mississ-Pete is? Pete: I got to go, so ah, I’ll see you guys later. All: Okay. Chandler: You’re our age! Pete: So ah, we on for tomorrow? Monica: Absolutely! Okay, I’m running out of places I can touch him! Look, is there something wrong with me? I mean why am I only attracted to guys where there’s no future? Either they’re too old, or they’re too young, and then there’s Pete who’s-who’s crazy about me, and who’s absolutely perfect for me, and there’s like zip going on! I mean, seriously, does it sound like something’s wrong with me?! Phoebe: Yeah, kinda. Kate: Happy?! Is that what I’m supposed to be Vic? Happy? Joey: Well, why don’t you tell me what you’re supposed to be! Huh? Because I sure as hell can’t figure it out! I talk to you and nothin’. You look at me, and it’s nothin’. Nothing. The Director: Tasty! I’m really starting to feel like you guys have a history, it’s-it’s nice. Kate: I have a question about this scene. The Director: Yes? Kate: Well, I don’t understand why Adrienne’s attracted to Victor. The Director: Peel the onion. First of all, he’s good looking. Joey: Yeah. Kate: I think my character’s gonna need a little bit more of reason than that. Joey: Oh, hey, how about this one. Ah, it’s says so in the script! Y'know ah, I-I don’t know why my character likes you either, I mean it says in the script here that you’re a bitch. Kate: It doesn’t say that in the script. Joey: It does in mine! Chandler: I can blow dry it. I can put gel on it. It doesn’t matter, I still wind up with this little cowlicky thing on the middle part of my head. It’s so annoying. Does it bug you? Ross: You bug me. Chandler: Is there any chance you didn’t see that? Commercial Break Chandler: Ross! You gotta stop! Okay?! You can’t just stare through the peep hole for three hours! You’re gonna get peep eye! Ross: I knew it! I knew it! I always knew she liked him! Y'know, she’d say no, but here we are! Right? We just broke up, first thing she does! Chandler: You didn’t just break up. Ross: Hey, it’s been like three weeks! Chandler: You slept with somebody three hours after you thought you broke up. I mean bullets have left guns slower! Ross: Here they come, here they come. Oh-ho, if she kisses him goodnight, I’m gonna kill myself, I swear. I can’t, I can’t watch this. Come on, date over! Date over! Uh-oh, here we go, she’s going in. Chandler: Okay. Ross: She’s going in. Wait! He’s going in! He’s going in!! The door’s closed! I, I can’t see anything but the door closed!! Chandler: And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave. Ross: Okay, I have to do something. I mean, I have, I have to stop it! Chandler: Stop what?! Ross: I don’t know, but I ah, I have the feeling that my being there will do it. I’ll go over and I will borrow something. Juice!! I need juice!! Chandler: No!! You can’t!! Ross: Look, they must be stopped! Chandler: I am your friend, and I am not gonna let you do this!! You are surprisingly strong! Ross: I need juice! People need juice!! Chandler: Look man! Ross: People need juice! Chandler: Listen to me!! Ross: Juice, I need... Chandler: She’s moving on! Okay, if it’s not this guy, it’s gonna be somebody else! And unless you’re thinking about subletting my peep hole, you are going to have to get used to the fact that the relationship is over! Okay, man? It’s over. Ross: Yeah, okay. Chandler: Okay. Ross: It’s just I miss her so much. Chandler: I know. Mark: Why do all you’re coffee mugs have numbers on the bottom? Rachel: Oh. That’s so Monica can keep track. That way if one on them is missing, she can be like, ‘Where’s number 27?!’ Rachel: Y'know what? Mark: No. And I don’t think I’m gonna want to. Rachel: I can’t do this. Mark: Yep. Yep, that’s what I didn’t want to know. Rachel: Well, oh, Mark, I’m doing this for the wrong reasons, y'know? I’m just doing it to get back at Ross. I’m sorry, it’s not very fair to you. Mark: Ahh! Fair, schmair! Y'know? Look, if you want to get back at Ross, I am here for you. Really? No-no, I say-I say, I say we get back at him right on this couch. Right here! Rachel: Oh God. I’m sorry about this. Mark: That’s okay. Rachel: You sure? Mark: Yeah. I can just go home and get back at him by myself. Spokeswoman: ...has become the penicillin of the twenty-first century. And so today, this hospital is about to take major steps toward leading that revolution. It is truly ironic, on one hand consider the size... Pete: Hey, can I ask you something? Monica: Sure. Pete: Where are we? Monica: Well, with all these doctors and nurses, I’m gonna say, midget rodeo. Pete: Just tell me the truth. Monica: Okay. Umm, y'know, I don’t think, I don’t think I told you this, but umm, I just got out of a really serious relationship. Pete: Oh, yeah. Wasn’t that like a year ago? Monica: So I did tell you. Okay, y'know, that really isn’t the thing. Umm, the thing is that, right now I’m just in a place in my life where I need to focus on me. Y'know what I mean? Pete: Oh, yeah. I know that. Monica: I so wanna be attracted to you. Pete: But you’re not. Okay, good. Monica: I’m sorry. Pete: Y'know what, don’t be. This is not, don’t be, ‘cause it’s not so bad. Monica: It’s not? Pete: I know I’m no John Bon Jovi, or someone who find attractive, I’m just, I think, y'know, that you might end up feeling differently. Monica: Well, um, look I-I don’t want this to come our wrong, but ah, you seem awfully confident for a guy I just told I wasn’t attracted too. Pete: Yeah, stupidly charming isn’t’ it? Well listen let’s, you wanna get something to eat? ‘Cause this place is kinda depressing. Spokeswoman: And the man who made all this possible... Mr. Peter Becker. Pete: One second. Chandler: I don’t think this town is big enough for both of us to relax in. Chandler: Uh-oh, what did she do now? Joey: Just because she went to Yale drama, she thinks she’s like the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread! Chandler: Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady MacBeth. Joey: God, I just, I hate her! I hate her!! With her, ‘Oh, I’m so talented.’ and ‘Oh, I’m so pretty,’ and ‘Ooh, I smell so good.’ Chandler: I think somebody has a crush on somebody. Joey: Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here?! Y'know? Chandler: I’m talking about you. You big, big freak. Joey: Oh. Ohh. Ohh, you’re out of your mind. Chandler: Hey, you have nothing but talk about her for the last 48 hours! If you were in a school yard you’d be pulling her pigtails and pushing her down now! Joey: Oh, yeah?! Then how come I keep thinking about her in all these sexual scenarios and stuff huh?! Kate: Happy?! Is that what I’m supposed to be Vic? Happy? Joey: Well, why don’t you tell me what you’re supposed to be! Huh? Because I sure as hell can’t figure it out! I talk to you and it’s nothin’. You look at me, and nothin’. Nothing. The Director: You guys make me fly! High! Okay, we’re gonna pick it up here, tomorrow. Kate: Well, that was ah... Joey: Better? Kate: Yeah! Yeah, it was definitely an improvement. G’night. Joey: Ah, Kate? Kate: Yeah? Joey: You ah, you forgot your shoes. Kate: Joey: Hey, listen you ah.... Kate: Hmm? Joey: ...feel like getting a cup of coffee? Kate: Umm. The Director: Kate? Kate: Yep. The Director: You ready to go? Kate: Yeah. The Director: Kate: So umm, I’ll see you tomorrow, huh? Joey: Yeah, yeah sure, goodnight. Phoebe: Why isn’t it Spiderman? Y’know like Goldman, Silverman... Chandler: ‘Cause it’s-it’s not his last name. Phoebe: It isn’t? Chandler: No, it’s not like, like Phil Spiderman. He’s a spider, man. Y'know like ah, like Goldman is a last name, but there’s no Gold Man. Phoebe: Oh, okay. There should be Gold Man! Rachel: Hey! Monica: Hey, Rach, how was work? Rachel: Oh, great. Although I did sit down where there wasn’t a chair. Monica: By the way, Ross dropped by a box of your stuff. Rachel: Oh, well, I guess I had that one coming. I’m just gonna throw it out, it’s probably just a bunch of shampoo and... Monica: Something wrong? Rachel: Closing Credits Chandler: So, ahh, what kind of powers would Gold Man have? Phoebe: Okay well, he would turn things to gold. Chandler: What about things that are already gold? Phoebe: Ahh, his work is done. Chandler: Okay, let’s play my game now. Phoebe: Okay. All right you yellow-bellied-lilly-livered-DRAW!! End Written by: Wil Calhoun Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Chandler: Wait a minute, wait. You’re telling me this actress person is the only woman you ever wanted who didn’t want you back?! Joey: Yeah! Oh my God! Is this what it’s like to be you? Monica: Wow, you’re really crazy about her, huh? Joey: Oh, you have no idea. And-and when we’re on stage I get to-to kiss her and-and touch her, but then she goes home with the director, and it’s like somebody’s ripping out my heart! Phoebe: Oh, it’s so great to see you feeling like this! Ross: Hey! All: Hey! Ross: Monica, uh Dad called this morning and ah, Aunt Silvia passed away. Monica: Yes!! Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Ross: We were all pretty shaken up about it. Phoebe: Wait, am I missing something though? ‘Cause I thought death was something that’s supposed to be sad, in a way. Ross: Well ah, Aunt Silvia was, well not a nice person. Monica: Oh, she was a cruel, cranky, old bitch! And I’m sorry she died. Did Dad say I get the dollhouse? Ross: You get the dollhouse. Monica: I get the dollhouse! Phoebe: Wow, a house for dolls, that is so cool! When I was kid, I had a barrel. Joey: Uh, Pheebs, you had a barrel for a dollhouse? Phoebe: No, just a barrel. Monica: Y'know what, you can play with my dollhouse. Phoebe: Really?! Really?! Monica: Any time you want. Y'know, when I was younger, all I wanted to do was to play with this dollhouse, but no!! It was to be looked at, but never played with. Chandler: My Grandmother used to say that exact same thing to me. Opening Credits Rachel: Hey, Sophie! Sophie: Hey, Rach! Chandler: Hey. Sophie: Hey. Rachel: Thanks for lunch, Chandler. Y'know, you didn’t have to walk me all the way back up here. Chandler: Oh, that’s-that’s okay, no problem. Rachel: Honey um, honey, you do realise that we don’t keep the women’s lingerie here in the office? Chandler: Yes, I realise that. Rachel: Summer catalogue! Chandler: That’s the stuff! Joanna: Rachel, I need the Versachi invoice. Hello! You don’t work for me. Rachel: Joanna. Joanna: Bing! That’s a great name. Chandler: Thanks, it’s ah, Gaelic, for ‘Thy turkey’s done.’ So ah, I’m gonna go, nice, nice meeting you. Joanna: Me too. Rachel: Bye, Chandler. Joanna: So ah, what’s wrong with him? Rachel: Oh, nothing, he’s just goofy like that, I actually, hardly notice it anymore. Joanna: Oh no, no-no-no, is he ah, married, or involved with anyone? Rachel: No!! No! He’s not married, or involved, with anyone! Joanna: Oh, Rachel, actually, y'know what, forget it. Rachel: Well, I’ll ask him for you, if you want me too? Joanna: Would you? Or, is it just to sad and desperate, and y'know something that Sophie would do? Sophie: Uh, uh, uh, I am here. Joanna: I know that. Monica: Look at it! Ohhh! Wallpaper’s a little faded, that’s okay. Carpet’s a little loose. Hardwood floors!! Phoebe: Hey! Chandler: Hello. Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Oh Monica! It’s so beautiful. Monica: I know!!! Phoebe: So, I’m here, ready to play. Monica: Okay. Phoebe: I brought a bunch of stuff for the house, so check it out. Ha-ha. Monica: What’s this? Phoebe: That’s a dog, every house should have a dog. Monica: Not one that can pee on the roof. Phoebe: Well, maybe it’s so big because the house was built on radioactive waste. Chandler: And is this in case the house sneezes? Phoebe: No, no, that’s the ghost for the attic. Monica: I don’t want a ghost. Phoebe: Well, nobody wants a ghost. But you’ve got one, because the house is sitting on an ancient Indian burial ground. Ross: Wait a minute, the house was built on radioactive waste, and an ancient Indian burial ground? That would never happen. Phoebe: Okay, obviously you don’t know much about the U.S. government. Rachel: Hey! All: Hello. Rachel: I need to talk to you! Ross: Sure, what’s up? Rachel: Oh, sorry. I meant Chandler. Ross: I-I know. Well if something comes up... Chandler: Oh, I'm glad you guys are past that little awkward phase. Rachel: Okay, my boss, Joanna, when you left, she started asking questions about you... Chandler: Oh-ho, liked what she saw, huh? Dug my action, did she? Checkin’ out the Chan-Chan man! Rachel: surreal. Okay, what do think? Are you interested at all? Chandler: Yeah, she seemed cool, attractive. I’ll do it. Rachel: Oh thank you, Chandler, this is so great, she’s gonna love me. Phoebe: Roof! Rrroof-roof-roof! Monica: Okay, Phoebe, y'know what? That-that’s it, that’s it, all right? No dinosaurs, no ghosts, no giant dogs, okay? They’re not the right size, they’re not Victorian, and they just don’t go. Phoebe: Okay, fine. Come dinosaur, we’re not welcome in the house of no imagination. Ross: Uh, Pheebs, while we’re hovering around the subject. I just have to say dinosaurs, they-they don’t go, rrroof! Phoebe: The little ones do. Joey: Hey, Kate! Kate: Morning. Joey: Listen, I ah, went to that restaurant that you were talking about last week... The Director: Hey, lovely! Come, talk to me a minute! Joey: And I ate the food, I had the fish, it was good, yeah. It was good, yeah... Woman: Hi, oh, I’m Lauren, Kate’s understudy. Joey: Oh, hey! Joey Tribbiani. Lauren: I know! I-I’m a big fan of yours. Joey: What?! Lauren: I used to umm, schedule my classes so I could watch Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives. Joey: Get out of here, really?! Lauren: Absolutely! Joey: Yeah? Lauren: Oh but then, they went and dropped you down that elevator shaft. Joey: They gave me the shaft all right. Lauren: Oh, you’re so funny. Listen, umm, what are you doing after rehearsals? Do you want to get a drink, or something? Joey: Well Ahh, yeah! Yeah, sure, a drink sounds great. Lauren: Cool! I-I’ll see you then. Joey: All right. The Director: All right, it’s time to act, my talking props. Phoebe: Hey! All: Hey! Phoebe: Look everybody, look at my new dollhouse!! Rachel: Wow!! Phoebe: Look, look! Ross: Hey, what’s this?! Phoebe: Oh, okay, it’s the slide instead of stairs. Watch this. Monica: It’s very interesting, Phoebe. Rachel: What’s this? Phoebe: The Licorice Room, you can eat all the furniture. And, when guests come over, they can stay on the tootsie roll-away bed. Ross: This is the coolest house ever!! Phoebe: Hey, does anybody want to join me in the aroma room? Rachel: All right! Ross: I would! Monica: Hey, guys, guys, did you see my new, china cabinet?! Ross and Rachel: Uh-huh. Phoebe: Watch, watch. Ross and Rachel: Ooohhhh!! Phoebe: And, and! Ross and Rachel: Ahhhh!! Chandler: Hey, my Father’s house does that! Rachel: O-o-o-okay, how did it go? Tell me everything. Chandler: Well, the movie was great, dinner was great, and there’s nothing like a cool, crisp New York evening. Rachel: Hmm. Chandler: Of course, I didn’t get to enjoy any of that, because Joanna’s such a big, dull dud! Joanna: Chandler is fantastic!! Rachel: What?! Joanna: Oh God, we just clicked! Y’know how people just click? Like he came by to pick me up, and I opened the door, and it was just like, click! Did he tell you? Rachel: Oh, I.... Joanna: Oh, and he’s got such a good heart! Doesn’t he have a good heart? Rachel: Oh, I know... Joanna: Oh, I know and he’s soo sweet! Listen, he said he was going to call, so put him straight through. Sophie: Isn’t this great?! Joanna: Don’t spoil it. Joey: Come on baby, don’t go. Please? What do you say? The Director: Joey: That guy’s like a cartoon. What do you see in him anyway? Kate: He happens to be brilliant. Which is more than I can say for that sweater you’re dating. Joey: Hey, I’m not interested in her sweater! It’s what’s underneath her sweater that counts. And besides, since ah, since when do you care who I’m going out with? Kate: I don’t care. Why, do you want me to care? Joey: Do you want me to want you to care? Kate: Do you? Joey: What? The Director: Okay, I’m afraid to say this, but let’s pick it up where we left off. Joey: Come on baby, don’t go. Please? What do you say? Kate: I’ve got no reason to stay. The Director: Stop!! Stop it! You must stop! You are bad actors! This is a terrible play! I’ll see you in the morning. Kate: I can’t believe we go on in, in a week. Joey: Hey, it’s gonna be all right. Lauren: Hey! So since we’re getting off early, do you want to go and paint mugs? Joey: What? Lauren: You know! At the place I told you about last night? Joey: Oh, yeah, with the mug painting. Yeah. I was so listening to that. But ah, y'know what, I think I kinda need to work on my stuff tonight. Lauren: Oh, okay. Joey: Okay. Lauren: I’ll see you tomorrow. Joey: Okay. Lauren: G’night. Joey: Ah, are you okay? Kate: Yeah, I guess. Look, what are we gonna do about this scene, huh? Joey: I don’t know. Kate: Well umm, maybe if it had more heat. Joey: How do you mean? Kate: Well, Adrian’s looking for a reason to stay, right? Victor can’t just kiss her, he’s gotta, gotta really give her a reason, y'know? Joey: Maybe he could slip her the tongue. Kate: Or maybe, maybe he could grab her, and, and, and, and lift her up. Joey: Yeah, yeah, and then Adrian, she maybe she could wrap her legs around his waist. Kate: And then she could rip off his shirt and kiss his chest, and, and his stomach! Joey: And then, then he could use his teeth, his teeth to undo her dress, and, and, and bite her! Kate: And then right, right when the scene ends, he could take her with this raw, animal.... Joey: Something like that? Kate: Yeah, that’s pretty much what I had in mind. Joey: Yeah. Commercial Break Joey: Hey. Ross: Hi. Joey: Hey. Ross: Hi. Joey: Hey. Ross: It’s a little early to be drinkin’. Joey: No-no, things ah, finally happened with Kate. Ross: Ohhhhh! Monica: You’re kidding?! That’s great! Joey: Oh, it was so amazing. After the love making... Monica: Oh my. Joey: Yep. I just, I just watched her sleep for like hours, just breathing in and breathing out. And then I knew she was dreaming ‘cause, ‘cause her eyes keep going like this. Chandler: I’m telling ya, Joanna’s got it all wrong. Okay? All I said was, ‘This was fun. Let’s do it again sometime. I’ll give you a call.’ Rachel: Ohh, gee. I wonder why she thinks you’re going to call her? Chandler: That’s what you say at the end of a date. Rachel: You can’t just say, ‘Nice to meet you, good night?’ Chandler: To her face? Look it’s the end of the date, I’m standing there, I know all she’s waiting for is for me to say ‘I’ll call her’ and it’s just y'know, comes out. I can’t help it, it’s a compulsion. Monica: Come on Rach, when a guy says he’s going to call, it doesn’t mean he’s going to call. Hasn’t it ever happened to you? Rachel: Well, they always called. Monica: Hmm, bite me. Joanna: Did he call? Rachel: No. Sorry. Joanna: Why?! Why?! He said he’d call. Why hasn’t he called? Sophie: Maybe he’s intimated by really smart, strong, successful women. Joanna: Sophie, would you please climb out of my butt. Why hasn’t he called, Rachel? Why? Rachel: Okay, okay. Umm, well ah, maybe he, maybe he feels awkward because you are my boss. Joanna: Awkward? Why should he feel awkward? Rachel: Well... Joanna: The only person that should feel awkward is you, and you didn’t tell him not to call me, did you? Rachel: No. I... Joanna: Because if you feel uncomfortable with your friend dating someone you work for, there are always ways to fix...that. Rachel: Call her! Call her now! Chandler: Multiple, so many paper cuts. Rachel: Why hasn’t he called Rachel? Why? Why? I don’t understand. Why? He said he’ll call. Why? Why? Chandler I’m telling you she has flipped out, she’s gone crazy! Chandler: Oh, well give me the phone then. Rachel: Come on, this isn’t funny. She thinks it’s my fault that you haven’t called her. You have to call her! Chandler: Look, you can’t call somebody after this long just to say, ‘In case you didn’t notice, I don’t like you!’ Rachel: Well then you’re going to have to take her out again. Chandler: Nooo!! She’s really dull! And she gets this gross mascara goop thing in the corner of her eye! Rachel: I don’t care! I don’t care! You are going to have to take her out again and end it, and end it in way that she knows it’s actually ended. And, I don’t care how hard it is for you, do not tell her that you will call her again! Chandler: All right! Fine! But it’s just a lunch date, no more than an hour! And from now on I get my own dates, I don’t want you setting me up with anybody ever again! Rachel: That’s fine! Chandler: That’s just a lot of big talk, y'know. Rachel: I know. Ross: Mon? Monica: I’m in the shower! Ross: Oh, fire! There, there’s a fire! Fire!! Joey: Hey. Kate: Hi. Joey: So I ah, talked to Lauren, kinda told her how things were with us. Did you ah, did you talk to Marshall? Kate: About what? Joey: Y'know, about what happened with us. Kate: Nooo. And there’s really no reason he should find out, so ah let’s not make a big deal about it, okay? Joey: What are you talking about? It was a big deal. I mean, come on you can’t tell me last night didn’t mean something to you. I-I was there, you’re not that good an actress. Kate: Look umm, I, I was, I was just caught up in the moment. That’s all it was. Joey, I’m-I’m sorry you feel bad, but haven’t you ever sleep with a women where it meant more to her than it did to you? Joey: Nooo. Lauren: Hi, Kate! Kate: Hi, Lauren. Joey: Hi, Lauren. Lauren: Hi, pig! Ross: Sorry I ah, I scared you in there. Monica: Oh, that’s okay. By the way, I was just checking the shower massager. Ross: Yeah. Phoebe: Hey! Monica: I tried to reach you at work. There’s....been a fire. Phoebe: What?! Oh my... Oh my God!! What happened?! Ross: Well, we believe it originated here. In the Aroma Room. Phoebe: All right. Did everyone get out okay? Monica: Well, the giraffe’s okay. And so is the pirate. Phoebe: Ohh. What is this? Ross: No Phoebe, don’t look! You don’t want to see what’s under there!! Phoebe: Ohh, the-the Foster puppets! Chandler: It’s not a big deal. It’s, just it’s right here, and it’s all the time. Joanna: Well, thanks again for lunch. Chandler: Yes, this, this was pleasant. Joanna: It was, wasn’t it? Chandler: The food there was, was great. Joanna: Wasn’t it? Chandler: So take care. Joanna: You too. Chandler: Well, this was great. I’ll give you a call. We should do it again sometime. Joanna: Great! I’m looking forward to it. Rachel, any messages? Rachel: Sophie’s desk. Rachel: Chandler!! Are you gonna call her! Chandler: Noo! Rachel: Chandler!! Chandler: Look, I’m sorry. Okay? I’m weak, and pathetic, and sorry. Rachel: Okay, you are going to tell her and you’re going to tell her now. Chandler: Ahhhh—I’m not going to call you. Joanna: What? Chandler: I’m sorry. I’m-I’m-I’m sorry that I said I was going to when I’m not. Look, this has nothing to do with you, y'know? And this isn’t Rachel’s fault. It’s me. I have serious, serious problems when it comes to women. I have issues with commitment, intimacy, mascara goop. And I’m really sorry, it’s just that this is not, this isn’t going to work out. Joanna: Well, this isn’t how I was hoping how this would end, but I guess I have to appreciate your honesty. Chandler: Yeah, o-okay. Joanna: So... Chandler: Well this is great! I’ll give you a call! We should do it again sometime! Closing Credits Joey: Well ah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too. End Written by: Chris Brown Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Rachel: So who’s idea was it to put everybody in the diner on skates? Monica: Oh, some idiot customer put a suggestion in the suggestion box. Phoebe: Oh my God, they took my idea! Monica: That was you?! Phoebe: Yeah! Okay, here you go. Gunther: Rachel, I made you a cocoa. Phoebe: Oh my God, are you guys okay? Gunther: Are you all right? Joey: Oh my. Opening Credits Chandler: Hey. Joey: Hey. Y'know with that goatee you kinda look like Satan. Chandler: Oh, so that’s why the priest threw holy water on me. Okay, listen, you have to cheer up! Okay? You should come out with Ross and me, I mean anything is better than sitting around here crying all day about Kate. Joey: Hey I was crying because, because nobody believed Quincy’s theory. Okay? Ross: Hey! Chandler: Hey. Ross: I’m gonna be on TV!! Chandler: No way! Ross: Yeah! They’re putting together this panel to talk about these fossils they just found in Peru and The Discovery Channel’s gonna film it! Chandler: Oh my God! Who’s gonna watch that?! Ross: Thanks. You ready to go? Chandler: Yeah. Joey: Saw a girl with that vest. Chandler: Thanks. Anchorwoman: Because of as a result of improper care, they will be dead. Joey: Yeah, hi. You guys got any of those baby chicks? ‘Cause I was watching this ah, commercial on TV and man, those guys are cute! Pete: Hi! Monica: Hi! Hey, Pete you’re back! Hey, check this out. Pete: Wow! Skates! Monica: Wow! You’re a lot sturdier that Chandler. He crumpled like a piece of paper. So how was you’re trip? Pete: Well... Monica: Oh, what’d ya bring me?! Awww, hotel toiletries from Japan. Oh, these are gonna go in my permanent collection. You want some coffee? Pete: Yeah, sure, that’d be great. Monica: Regular or decaf? Pete: Ah, which ever is closest. Monica: Okay. Pete: So ask me what I did today. Monica: So what did you do today Pete? Pete: I bought a restaurant and I would like you to be the head chef. Monica: What?! Oh. Monica: Can you believe he just offered me a restaurant? Rachel: What a jerk! You want me to kick his ass? Monica: I mean this has been like my dream since I got my first Easy Bake Oven and opened Easy Monica’s Bakery. I mean I would kill for this job. I mean I can totally do this job, and God knows I paid my dues. But Pete’s just doing this because he has a crush on me. Rachel: And you’re still not attracted to him at all? Monica: Hmm, no. I mean how can I accept a restaurant from him? I-I-I-I can’t. I couldn’t even accept a necklace from Stu Vincent in the seventh grade. Rachel: Yeah, but Mon that’s totally different. He was you’re health teacher. Monica: Oh, please. Monica: What? Honey. Rachel: Oh, I am, my side still hurts from when you crashed into me yesterday. Monica: Oh God, I’m so sorry. Rachel: I know. Rachel: Ow!! Monica: Oh God! Ross: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Rachel: Got a job on a river boat? Ross: Y'know what I didn’t wear this suit for a year because you hated it. Well, guess what? You’re not my girlfriend anymore so... Rachel: Oh I see, so this suit is making a point. Ross: Right. Rachel: Now that you’re on you’re own, you’re free to look as stupid as you like. Ross: You like it right? Monica: Oh absolutely. I like it even more on you than I did on Colonel Sanders. Ross! Ross! I’m kidding! Rachel: Yeah, come here! Monica: What-what was it you were gonna tell us? Rachel: Yeah. Oh! Was how you invented the cotton gin?! Ross: Okay, good bye! Chandler: So um, after you put the suggestion in the box, how long did it take for the roller skating thing to happen. Phoebe: Umm, oh, about three months. Chandler: Okay, so I guess that’s about ah, two weeks before the topless thing kicks in. Joey: Hey!! Chandler: Hey! Joey: I got you something! Open it! Open it! Chandler: Okay. It’s a chicken. Joey: It’s cute, huh? Phoebe: Whoa-whoa-whoa, you guys, do you know anything about chicks? Chandler: Fowl? No. Women? Nooo. Phoebe: Okay, well they are a huge responsibility, especially at this age. They require constant care. They-they need just the right food, and lot’s and lot’s of love. Joey: Oh, well no problem there. Chandler: Easy Lenny. Pete: So? I mean have you thought about it? Monica: Okay. Here’s the thing. Pete: Oh no, not the thing. I hate the thing. What’s the thing? Monica: I can’t do it. I’m sorry, I wish I could, but umm, see you have these feelings for me.... Pete: Wait, wait, wait, wait, that’s-that’s what you’re worried about? If that’s the problem, we’ve got no problem. Monica: Huh? Pete: No! Look, I was gonna tell you this over dinner, but I met somebody else. On my trip. Monica: Oh? Pete: Her name’s Ann, she’s a journalist. Ahh, we met on the plane. She asked me if she could finish off my peanuts, I thought she said something else, we had a big laugh. Yeah, I just, I mean I got, I got tired of waiting. Monica: Oh, that’s great! I mean I’m-I’m sorry, but I’m so happy for you. And now I can work for you! Pete: I guess you can. Monica: Oh my God! Oh, this is incredible! Ohh! All right, y'know what? I’m just gonna roll right into that office and-and quit! Pete: All right. Monica: Okay. Can you give me a little push? Pete: Yeah, sure. Good luck! Monica: I’m okay!! I’m all right!! Phoebe: Wow! That’s exciting, you went to Japan, made up a woman. Pete: What? Phoebe: I’m just saying, this woman, I mean she’s fictitious. No? Pete: Why would you say that? Phoebe: ‘Cause you’re still into Monica. So you told her there was somebody else so she would agree to work with you, so ‘cause you figure oh if you spent a lot of time together, maybe something might happen, and... Pete: You’re good. You’re good! Phoebe: Yeah, no, I’m fairly intuitive and psychic. It’s a substantial gift. Pete: Listen, can you promise me that you won’t tell her though? Phoebe: Absolutely, oh I promise. Tell her what? Pete: Thanks a lot. Phoebe: No I’m serious. I mean I’m intuitive, but my memory sucks. Chandler: Okay, but this is the last time. -chickeeeen. Joey: Hey. Chandler: Hey. Joey: How’s she doing? Chandler: She? Joey: Well yeah, don’t-don’t you think it’s a she? Chandler: I don’t know. I can’t tell, what ever it was went back in too quickly. Joey: Well, anyway, I got to go change, I’m ah, meeting some of the cast for drinks. Chandler: Excuse me? Joey: What? Chandler: I stayed home from work today while you were at rehearsal so somebody could be here with our chick! Joey: Hey! Who was up from 2 o’clock this morning until 5 o’clock this morning trying to get her back to sleep? Chandler: You don’t think I get up when you get up? Joey: Ohhh, here it comes. Chandler: Yes, here it comes! I’m stuck here all day, and then you come in and spend two seconds with us and then expect to go off gallivanting with your friends? Well I don’t think so mister! Joey: Hey!! I need to relax! Okay? I was working all day! Chandler: And you don’t think taking care of our chick is work? Joey: That’s not what I said. Okay, I just meant... Chandler: I know what you meant!! You notice that ever since we got this chick, we’ve been fighting a lot more than we used too? Joey: I don’t know, maybe we weren’t ready to have a chick. Chandler: I’ll take her back tomorrow. Joey: Do you think we’ll get our three bucks back? Ross: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Ross: This blue suit, or this brown one? Joey: Well, the brown one brings out your eyes, but your butt looks great in the blue one. Ross: Really? Rachel: Ross: Wow! That aspirin dance really works! Rachel: Oww! Ross: Oh my God, is that still... Rachel: I’m fine, I’m fine. Ross: No you’re not. Rachel: Yes I am! Ross: Rach! Rachel: Look, I’m fine. Watch. Whoa-whoa! Ross: Okay, okay. Look, you have got to go to a doctor! Okay? Rachel: No. I have got to get ready and go to a dinner at my bosses house. It’s a very big deal, there’s a lot of people there I have to meet. Ross: And I’m sure you’re gonna make a big impression. Hi! I’m Rachel Green. It’s nice to meet you. Come on, you probably have a broken rib! Rachel: Well, I will go to the hospital tomorrow, it’ll still be broken then. Ross: Rach... Rachel: But y'know, I could use a hand getting ready. Ross: Rachel... Rachel: Look, either help me or go. Ross: Fine. I’ll go. Rachel: Okay, but before you go, could you help me first? Ross: Sure. I’ll help you. Chandler: Oh, good! Good! Do you guys know how to get a chick out of a VCR?! Commercial Break Rachel: Y'know what? I cannot do this with my left hand! Would you please, help me with this too? Ross: Ohh. Rachel: Ross: Okay. This stuff? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: All right. Rachel: Careful. Light. Okay, do you know how, just sweep it across the lid. Okay? Just sweep it. Ross: Oke-dokey. Rachel: Oh-ho! Ross: Sorry. Rachel: Hey! That’s just poking me in the eye! Ross: Sorry, I’m sorry. Close, close, close... Rachel: Okay, just sweep it. Ross: I’m sweeping... Rachel: Right. Ross: Sweep, sweep.... Rachel: Okay, now make it even, ‘cause we don’t... Ross: What? What? Rachel: We don’t want it-it to be too much, we want it to be subtle. Ross: No. No, y'know you don’t, you don’t wear enough of this. What? Rachel: Since when, since when do you think I don’t wear enough of this? Ross: Well I, close your eyes, I just think you’re gonna like this a little better, ‘cause, close-close... Rachel: Blow it. Ross: Sorry. ‘Cause umm, I think this will make you a little more sophisticated. Rachel: Sophisticated like a hooker? Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey, guess what I’m doing tonight. Phoebe: What? Monica: I’m checking out the restaurant with Pete. Phoebe: Ohh, Monica, I am so excited for you. Monica: I know. Phoebe: Ooh, I have to tell you something. Monica: What? Phoebe: But I can’t tell you. Monica: Okay, but wouldn’t it be easier if you had to tell me something that you could tell me. Phoebe: Well, sure in a perfect world. But, no, I promised I wouldn’t tell, and I swore to like all my gods. Monica: Okay. Does it have to do with Ross and Rachel? Phoebe: No. Monica: Does it have to do with Joey? Phoebe: No. Monica: Does it have to do with-with Chandler and that sock that he keeps by his bed? Phoebe: No, but let’s come back to that later! Ross: There you go! Good enough for your party, huh? Rachel: Sure. Ross: Yep? Rachel: Sure, I’ll just sit next to the trans-sexual from purchasing. Ross: Okay, come on! All right, I gotta go! So good luck at the party. Okay? Rachel: Oh wait, Ross, would you just stay and help me get dressed? Ross: Sure, okay. Rachel: Okay. Okay, great! Umm, okay, just turn around. Ross: What? Rachel: I don’t want you to see me naked! Ross: Rachel, I’ve seen you naked a million times. I ate hot fudge off you naked. Remember, I-I sucked that mini-marshmallow out of your belly button? Rachel: Yeah, but that was different. Y’know? I mean, we were, we were going out then, now I think it’s weird. Ross: Rach, y'know I can see you naked any time I want. Rachel: What? Ross: All I have to do is close my eyes. See? Woo-hoo!! Rachel: Ross! Stop that! Ross: Ah, I’m sorry. Rachel: Come on! I don’t want you thinking of me like that any more! Ross: Ahh, sorry, nothing you can do about it. It’s one of my ah, rights as the ex-boyfriend. Oop, oh yeah! Rachel: Stop it! Cut it out! Cut it out! Ross: Okay, okay, I’m sorry, it will never happen... Uh-oh! Wait a minute! Wait-wait, now there are a hundred of you and I’m the king. Rachel: Rosss... Ross: Come on, would you grow up? It’s no big deal. Rachel: All right. Fine. Ross: Yowzah!!! Rachel: O-kay!! See what you did, I’m gonna be doing it by myself now. Okay? Ross: Aww, come on. Rachel: That’s it. Ow!!! Ross: Oh my God! Rachel: Oh-ow! Ross: All right. Rachel: Ow! Ross: Look... Rachel: Ow! Ross: Okay. Rachel: Ow! Ross: Rach? Rachel: Ow! Ow! Ross: Easy. Easy. You have to go to the hospital. Okay? Rachel: Okay, I do. Ross: Okay. Rachel: I really do. Ross: Okay, I’m gonna get your coat and then I’ll-I’ll put you in a cab. Rachel: Okay. Oh wait, wait-wait, you’re not gonna come with me? Ross: Of course I am. I just have to make a call. Rachel: Okay. Ross: Okay? Rachel: Thank you. Oww!!!! God! Ross: What?! I wh-, what’s wrong? Rachel: I’m sorry, I just can’t go to the hospital lookin’ like this. Monica: Does it involve travel? Phoebe: Noo! Monica: Does it involve clogs? Phoebe: Oh, wait, wait. Clogs, or claws? Monica: Clogs. Phoebe: No. Monica: Claws?! Phoebe: No. Monica: Okay, so it doesn’t involve Ross or Rachel or Chandler or Joey. But, what about Pete? Phoebe: No! Monica: What is it?! What about Pete? Phoebe: I don’t know! Monica: Okay, I feel like I’m talking to Lassie. All right, Phoebe would you just tell me! Phoebe: I can’t!! Monica: Okay, I gotta go. Phoebe: I, but you’re so close! No! Monica: Okay, does it involve something to do with Pete’s computer company? Phoebe: Oh, just go. You’re never gonna get it! Chandler: I know. See, yes. That’s Yasmine Bleeth, she’s a completely different kind of chick. I love you both. But in very different ways. Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Ahh! What are you doing?! I thought you were gonna take her back to the store today. Chandler: I did! But the store wouldn’t take her back! So then I took her to the shelter, and you know what I found out? Chandler: If they can’t find a home for her, they kill her! And I’m not gonna let that happen to little Yasmine! Joey: Okay, good, good, good, ‘cause, good, ‘cause I was kinda having second thoughts too. Chandler: Okay. And it’s not just chicks y'know? It’s all kinds of other animals! Joey: That’s horrible! Well, you did the right thing man. Chandler: Thanks, I’m glad you see it that way. Chandler: Ohhh-hoo, funny story! Monica: I don’t believe this! Wow, look at this refrigerator! It’s gigantic! I mean I could live in this thing! I’d be cold, but I’m always cold. Oh my God, look at these spider burners! I love spider burners. Pete: So you like it? Monica: Oh, it is sooo perfect. Thank you so much. Pete: Oh, you’re welcome. Monica: Did you just smell my hair? Pete: Nooo. Uh-huh, no way. What? No. Monica: Oh God. Pete: What? Monica: You still have feelings for me don’t you? Pete: Now, nooo! I’m just excited about the restaurant, that’s all. Monica: Pete. Pete: Okay, I love you. Is that so bad? Monica: No, it’s not bad. It’s not bad at all. It’s-it’s really nice. Pete: Look, the only who stands to get hurt is me. And I’m okay with that. Monica: You may be okay about getting hurt, but I am not okay with being the one who hurts you. That’s why I can’t take this job. Pete: What? Monica: And well, we probably shouldn’t see each other anymore. I’m sorry. Pete: Okay, yeah. I mean... If that’s, if that’s really what you want, okay. Monica: Okay, bye. Pete: I’m sorry things didn’t work out... Monica: All right shut up for a second and let me just see something. Rachel: Okay, you’d tell me the truth. Right? Ross: Rach, you can’t look fat in an x-ray. Rachel: Okay. Chandler: Okay! Now you stay out here, and you think about what you did!! Ross: That’s a duck. Chandler: That’s a bad duck!!! How’d the thing go tonight, Ross? Ross: Oh, it was, nah, well.... Rachel: What thing? What thing? Ross: Nothing, ah there was this thing at the museum. Come on. Easy. Chandler: Rachel: What thing? What is this thing? Ross: I was kinda, supposed to be on TV tonight for The Discovery Channel. Rachel: Oh my God! Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Ross, why didn’t you tell me that? Ross: Eh, ‘cause I knew that if I told you, you’d make me go, and I knew you needed someone to be with you tonight. Come on. Come on. Rachel: I cannot believe you. Ross: What? Rachel: That is the sweetest thing, I just.... Ross: You should get some sleep. Rachel: Okay. Ross: So, I’ll umm... Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry I spoiled you’re evening. Ross: No, that’s, no, as long as you’re okay. So I’ll ah, I’ll see you tomorrow. Rachel: Um-hmm, yeah. Rachel: See ya. Chandler: What did you do? Closing Credits Joey: What ‘cha doing? Chandler: Having a swim. Joey: What about the chick? Chandler: Chicks don’t swim. Joey: Are you sure? Chandler: I don’t know. Should we try it? Joey: Sure. Chandler: See, I told you they don’t swim. Joey: Wait. Give him a minute. Chandler: Noo! Oh, it’s okay, it’s okay, baby, baby, baby. End Written by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, are you still on hold? I was supposed to call my Dad back like two hours ago. Phoebe: Oh, yeah, he clipped on, he said call him as soon as you get a chance, he’s at Flimby’s. Rachel: What’s Flimby’s? Phoebe: Oh, yeah, that’s the word I use when I can’t remember the real thing. Rachel: Okay. Hang up! That’s it! Come on! Phoebe: No! Rachel, that’s what they want me to do. My warranty expires tomorrow, if I don’t get through, they’re not gonna fix my crappy, broken phone for free! We cannot let them win! It’s us versus them! Chandler: Ye-e-es!! Joey: Hey. All: Hey. Joey: Uh, listen I gotta double check for tickets tonight. Who-who got what? Chandler, Phoebe, and Rachel: I had one. Monica: I need two. I’m bringing Pete. My boyfriend. I have a boyfriend now! Joey: Two it is. Ross, how about you? Ross: Uh, yeah, I ah, I also need two. Monica: Really? Who’s number two? Chandler: Who’s number two? One of the more difficult games sewer workers play. Ross: Uh, no, it’s-it’s just this person. Phoebe: Like a date type person? Ross: Yeah, kinda. It’s this woman from work. I hope that won’t be too weird. Will it, Rach? Rachel: No. No, not at all, not at all. I actually was gonna bring someone myself, so… Joey: But you said one. Rachel: I meant, me plus one! Joey: Okay. Did ah, you guys mean you plus one? Ross: All right, I’ll see you tonight. Joey: Okay. Rachel: Okay, bye-bye! Chandler: Bye! Monica: Bye-bye! Rachel: Okay, I need a date! Joey: Oh, hey, you guys are finally gonna get to meet Kate! All: Oh! Joey: And I ah, borrowed some of your cologne. I hope she likes it. Monica: Joey, what are you doing?! It’s never gonna happen, she’s seeing somebody. Chandler: Yeah, and I don’t have any cologne. Joey: The green bottle next to the shaving cream. Chandler: Oh! Worm medicine for the duck. Opening Credits Monica: Phoebe: Thanks! Monica: Uh-huh. Phoebe: Okay. Wait! One second! Just… Monica: Phoebe? Phoebe: What?! Monica, I’m scared!! Monica: All right. Honey, that’s-that’s a sleeve. Okay? Phoebe: Yeah. Monica: And! We also have speaker phone. Hold Voice: Please, stay on the line. Your call is important to us. Monica: Okay, wait, you gotta hang up ‘cause we’re gonna be late. Hold Voice: Thank you for your patience, you’re the next caller. Phoebe: Yes!! Yes!! I’m the next caller! You were gonna have me hang up. Chandler: Hey! Can you take a duck and a chick to the theatre? Monica: Of course not. Phoebe: No. Chandler: Okay. I just wanted them to hear it from somebody else. Ross: Hey, hey Rach! Rachel: Oh, hi! Ross: Hi! Rachel: How are you? Ross: Good. Rachel: Hey. Ross: So it’s looks like we’re the first ones here. Rachel: Yeah, looks that way. First ones here! Wooo!! Ross: Yay!! Rachel: Oh! Tommy, this is Ross. Ross, Tommy. Tommy: Hey. Ross: Hey. Oh, I’m sorry, this is Cailin. Ross: And! Break!! Rachel: Okay, uhh, I think I’m going to run to the ladies room. Tommy: Okay. Cailin: I’ll join you. Tommy: I’ll get our seats. Ross: Okay. So uh, well, this-this is uh, this is awkward. Tommy: Yeah? Ross: Well y'know ‘cause Rachel and I used to go out. Tommy: Oh, I didn’t, I didn’t know that. Ross: Oh! Well then this is awkward. So what do you uh… Tommy: I think we’re here. Ross: Oh! Yeah. Tommy: Yeah. Ross: Okay. Uh, huh. Excuse me, I’m sorry, I-I think you may be in our seats. Man: Umm, no, I don’t think so. Tommy: Can-can we take a look at your ticket? Man: Sure. Ross: Yep! Yeah, see this says D-13, and uh… Man: Oh, well I thought that ah… Tommy: Oh, you thought, huh? Yeah, well that didn’t really work out too well for you did it you idiot!! What are you?! A moron!! Huh?! It says D-13! Okay?! Look you’re surrounded by even numbers!! Did that give you some clue?! Man: Uh, the usher told us to come… Tommy: Oh! Oh! The usher must be right! What, with all that training they go through! Get out!! Hey man, you want the aisle? Ross: No, I’m good. Chandler: There he is! Monica: There’s our star! Joey: So, so, what’d ya think? Chandler: Almost as good as that play with the two naked girls on the see-saw. Joey: I-I wasn’t in that. Chandler: I know. Joey: Oh-oh, hey-hey, Kate! Listen I want you to meet everybody. Everybody, this is Kate. Monica: Hi! The Director: Chandler: So that’s the girl you like. Joey: Yeah. Ross: I’m telling you, this guy Rachel is with is crazy! Okay? He viscously screamed at total strangers! I think he’s baaad news! Chandler: Wait a minute, wait a minute, you don’t like the guy Rachel’s dating? Well, that’s odd. Joey: Oh, hey, Lauren. Uh, you guys this is, this is Kate’s understudy, Lauren. Rachel: Oh, hi! Lauren: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Gosh, you look soo familiar. Lauren: Oh, yeah! I-I ran into you in the hallway in your building. It was right after I slept with Joey. He dumped me the next day. Cailin: So. How’d you guys meet? Pete: Well ah, the short version is, I ah pursued her for a couple of months, then I gave her a check for 20,000 dollars, and she was mine. Monica: Yeah, and in the long version, I dump him for telling people the short version. Estelle: Joey, sweetheart, you were fabulous! Joey: Hey you guys, this is my agent, Estelle. Estelle: How do you do. Did they have representation? Joey: No, they-they weren’t in the play. Rachel: We’re not actors. Estelle: Ooh, what a shame! Because with her face I could really put something together. Chandler: Could I borrow it? Cailin: Hi! Remember me? Ross: Hi! Yeah! Tommy’s in line for the bathroom and someone just cut in front of him, I think he’s gonna snap. Cailin: Ross, I’m gonna go. Ross: Go? Why? Cailin: I don’t know. Could be because I don’t feel like standing around all night waiting for some guy who may or may not scream. Ross: But-but Cailin, he definitely will scream. Cailin: Good bye Ross. Ross: Uh, oh-ho bye. The Director: Boxing Day! The Lucille Lortel Theatre, blah-la-la-la… Ah-ha! Joey Tribianni, gives an uneven performance, but Mr. Tribianni is not the worst thing in this production. Joey: Yes!!! Ha-ha-ha! The Director: Kate Miller’s awkward and mannered portrayal is laughable. Excuse me!! Joey: Anyone mind if I save this? Monica: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Phoebe: Oh, is the play over? Monica: Yeah. Where were you? Hold Voice: Thank you for your patience, you’re the next caller. Monica: You were the next caller five hours ago. You must be going crazy. Phoebe: Nah. I kept myself busy. Phoebe: Oh, okay, yeah. I put your stuff in her room, and her stuff in your room. Joey: Hey! Are you okay? Kate: Fabulous. Joey: Listen, drama critics they’re nothing but, but people who couldn’t make it as actors. You know what you should do? Kate: Become a drama critic! The Director: Kate: By the way, he dumped me tonight after he read my review. Joey: Oh, classy. Kate: Yep! I sure know how to pick ‘em, huh? Y'know I gave up a part on a soap for this! Joey: Wow! Yeah I ah, I gave up a job too. Kate: Really. What? Joey: Uh, de-clawing cats. Hey, tell ya what. Let me walk you home. We’ll stop by every news stand and burn every copy of their Times and the Post. Kate: Why the Post? Joey: Oh, you didn’t see the Post? Kate: No. You? Joey: No. Why? Kate: So you really think those newspapers are just jealous of me? Joey: Oh, absolutely! You’re talented and you’re good looking. Kate: Oh, you’re sweet and cute. Joey: I know! That’s why they trashed me! Joey: Whoa. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Kate: What? Joey: I, I don’t get you. I mean first, you hate me. Then you sleep with me. Then you want nothing to do with me, now you want me again. Kate: What? So you never went out with an actress before? Joey: Kate, do you even like me? Kate: Of course I do. Joey: Well so, how come you blew me off? Y'know? How come you were with him? Kate: I don’t know! I just, just do this! I-I always have to pick the like the smartest guy, or-or the most talented guy… Why can’t I just pick someone like you? Joey: Thanks. Kate: You know what I mean. I mean like the sweetest guy. Joey, you’re just so, you’re so, so… Joey: I’m gonna put this can right here in case you have to hurl. Commercial Break Hold Voice: Please stay on the line. You’re call is very important to us. Monica: Pheebs, you’ve been up for 24 hours! Go to sleep, honey. Th-this isn’t healthy. Phoebe: No, no, I’m fine, and y’know why? ‘Cause of all the riboflavin. Joey: Hey! Monica: Hey! Didn’t you have that outfit on last night? Joey: Yeah! I stayed at Kate’s, but ah, nothing happened. Hey, Pheebs, where were ya? Phoebe: I’m so, so, so sorry, Joey. I definitely am gonna see you’re play. I swear you’re play is very important to us, thank you for your patience. You’re play is the next play is the next play I’m gonna see. Monica: Anyway, how did it go with Kate? Joey: Oh, it was great! Yeah, I-I walked her home, and it was amazing how much we connected, y'know? Then ah, then she passed out, but then she woke up. Yeah? And we stayed up all night talking, and now we’re like totally crazy about each other! Monica: Joey, you had the night! Joey: What? Monica: When two people finally realise their feelings for each other, and-and they talk for hours, and they-they learn all about the other person! Joey: You-you think? Monica: Did you like learn about her family? Joey: Two brothers, one died! Monica: Yes!! Joey: Yeah?! Monica: Oh! Gunther: This is from the woman at the bar. Chandler: Oh-ho-ho-ho. Gunther: Sorry. She thought you were somebody else. Rachel: What time is it? Monica: One. Ross: One. Chandler: 7:15. Watch doesn’t work. Rachel: Tommy’s supposed to be here soon, we’re going to lunch. Ross: Look. Look, I wasn’t going to say anything to you, but... All right, I don’t think you should be seeing Tommy anymore. Rachel: You don’t?! Ross: No! The guy is mean. I mean really mean. I think you should stay away from him. Rachel: Umm, or, maybe, I should stay away from all men. Ross: No, it’s not just ‘cause I’m jealous. I mean I’m not, I’m not, I’m not jealous, okay? It’s… Look, the guy, he screamed, he actually screamed at this couple sitting in our seats. Chandler: Yeah, and at the end of the play, he, he got up y'know, and he just started like, banging his hands together! Ross: Okay, fine, fine. You don’t want to believe me? No, that’s fine. Monica: We’re kidding! Chandler: Ross, don’t. Ross! Monica; Ross! Ross: You don’t want to believe me, I’m Mr. Funny to you. Mr. Funny… Tommy: Whoa!! Ross: Whoa, sorry Tommy. Tommy: What’s in the cup, Ross? Ross: Umm… Tommy: What is in the cup?! Ross: Okay, it’s coffee. Tommy: Ice coffee? Tell me it’s ice coffee! Ross: It’s-it’s hot… Tommy: Hot coffee!!! You idiot!! You were gonna spill hot coffee all over me, huh?!! What are you just some big, dumb, stupid, doofy idiot, with a doofy idiot hairdo, huh?! Huh?! Rachel: What’s your favourite thing about summertime? Monica: Umm, going to the beach. When it stays light real late. Rachel: Yeah… Tommy: Hey! Rachel: Tommyyyy! Say, what’s your favourite thing about summer? Tommy: Ooh, I don’t know. Probably the smell of freshly cut grass. Chandler: Ohh, that’s a good one. Joey: Sorry! Sorry, I’m late; sorry, I’m late! My duck and my chick and a fight, it-it was ugly. Stage Manager: Look, we held the curtain for you buddy. Come on, let’s go! Let’s go! Lauren: Vic! Where have you been, baby?! Joey: Where’s Kate? Lauren: She got a job in L.A. Joey: What?! Lauren: I’ve been waiting up all night for ya. Where have you been? Where have you been? Vic?! Joey: Oh, ahh, go to the window. I’m wanna run down to the truck and show you something. Lauren: What do you got down there, Vic? What do you got under that tarp? Joey: When is she leaving? Lauren: Tonight. What are you doing? Joey: I’m coming up! Tommy: Hey, mind if I use the phone? Phoebe: Oh, I… Chandler: Why don’t you use ours across the hall, ‘cause she…has…problems. Ross: Oh-ho, whoa! Sorry, Tommy. I almost spilled this hot coffee on you. Tommy: Yeah, but you didn’t. Ross: No, but it’s-it’s-it’s hot! Rachel: Ross, would you just stop it! It’s getting really old. Ross: I can’t believe no one believes me! Phoebe: I do, I believe you. Ross: You do Pheebs? Phoebe: Yeah. But I also believed her when she said I was next. Tommy: Quack-quack, quack-quack!! What are you quacking about?! Dumb Donald Doo-Doo!! Chandler: Step away from the duck. Tommy: Ooh, sorry little Mr. Chic-A-Dee, sorry you went doody in my hand! Well, I guess we’re not going out anymore. Whaa!!! Kate: Joey! Joey: Hey! Kate: I’m soo glad I caught you, I couldn’t find you before. Joey: Wh-wh-what’s going on? Wh-what’s this about L.A.? Kate: They still want me for General Hospital. Joey: But, but wh-what about us? Kate: Last night was wonderful. But I-I can’t stay here just for you. Joey: Well, so, stay for the museums! Kate: I’m sorry. Stage Manager: Joey, onstage! Joey: Well can you at least stay to the end of the play? I mean, I’ll go to the airport with ya, I-I wanna say good bye. Lauren: Where are you Vic? Kate: Flight’s in an hour. I-I gotta go. Lauren: Vic! Vic! Vic!!! Joey: In a minute!! Lauren: So this is it? Victor? Joey: Yeah, I guess it is. So you tell your great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because Adrienne, baby, I’m gonna want to meet her. Lauren: So long, Vic! Closing Credits Monica: Phoebe, it’s been two days. Phoebe: Yeah, I know. Oh, good thing it’s one of those 801 numbers. Right? Ross: Phoebe, 800 is toll free, 801 is-is Utah. Phoebe: No, no, no, oh no-no-no, it’s has to be 800. Yeah, every big Utah-based company has one. Rachel: Phoe-be!! Phoebe: Sorry, I’m so sorry, I will pay you back. Chandler: And yet, she’s still not hanging up the phone. All: Hang it up! Hang up the phone!! Phoebe: Fine! Fine! Oh-oh! Monica: What? Phoebe: Well, I think I broke it. But that’s all right, here’s the number you can call. Monica: Oh. End Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Joey: Hey, wouldn't be cool if our duck and chick had a little baby? We could call it Chuck. Chandler: Or... Dick. Ross: Hey. Chandler and Joey: Hey. Ross: Listen, I-I need a favor. Umm, I was in the shower, and as I was cleansing myself, I ah, I-I, well I felt something. Chandler: Was it like a sneeze only better? Ross: No, no, I mean, I mean a thing on my body. Joey: What was it? Ross: Well, I don't know, it's-it's kinda in a place that's not... It's not visually accessible to me, and I was hoping maybe you guys could-could help me out. Chandler and Joey: Whoa!!! Chandler: No!! Ross: Come on you guys, it's no big deal! Chandler: Whoa-heeeiiiiii-iiiii-ah!! Huh. Ross: Well what is it? Is it a mole? Joey: No, it's too wrinkly to be a mole. Ross: Well, eww. What? Is it a pimple? Chandler: No, it's... fancier than a pimple. Look Ross, why don't you just go see a… Rachel: Chandler: Okay, well, it's definite, two more weeks of winter. Ross: Ahhh. Joey: Yeah, right. Opening Credits Phoebe: Vince: Good deal. Phoebe: Yeah, and these are my friends. People. This is Vince, Vince the people. Rachel: Hi! Chandler: Hey! Vince: Hey! Phoebe: Vince is a fireman. Rachel: Wow! Have you ever rescued anyone from a burning building before? Vince: 98 hot saves, highest in the force. Chandler: Well, y'know if Joey and I played with matches we could get you up to an even hundred. Vince: Fire safety is not a joke, son. Chandler: You're right, I know. Vince: Phoebe: Okay. Rachel: Wow, he's cute, Pheebs! But I thought you just started dating that Kindergarten teacher. Phoebe: Oh, Jason? Yeah, uh-huh, we're seeing each other tonight. Rachel: What-Pheebs?! Two dates in one day? That's so unlike you. Phoebe: I know, I know! I'm like playing the field. Y'know? Like, juggling two guys, I'm sowing my wild oats. Y'know? Y'know, this kind've like y'know oat-sowin', field-playin' juggler. Joey: So Pheebs, do they know about each other? Phoebe: Does a dog's lips move when he reads? Okay, no they don't. Ross: Hey guys! Joey: Hey. Rachel: Hi! Joey: Well?! Chandler: Okay, how'd it go at the doctor's? Ross: Well, he said there's definitely nothing to worry about, it's totally benign. Joey: Well what is it?! Ross: He couldn't even tell me! He said it was just some sort of skin... abnormality. And the worst thing is he-he-he said, he said, without being able to identify it, he was reluctant to remove it. Chandler: Y'know what? You should go to my guy, because when I went in there with my third nipple. He just lopped it right off. Y'know? So I guess I'm lucky. I mean not as lucky as people who were born with two nipples. Ross: At least they knew what yours was. Y'know, yours had a name. Joey: Oh! Maybe they'll name yours after you! Y'know, they'll call it, The Ross. And then people would be like, "Awww, he's got a Ross." Ross: Yeah, that'd be cool! Monica: Pete's breaking up with me. All: What?! Monica: I just checked my messages, and he said that when he gets back from Atlanta, we need to talk. Rachel: And? Monica: Well that's it. People never say `We need to talk' unless it's something bad. Joey: Whoa, that doesn't necessarily mean that he's breaking up with you. Monica: Really?! Joey: Yeah, maybe he just cheated on you. Jason: ...and I know I'll never miss doing it, but I gotta tell you, it's pretty cool knowing that you're making a difference in a kid's life. Phoebe: That is so great! Oh, I... Oh my God! Jason: Whoa! Phoebe: Oh my God!!! Jason: Ahh-ahh, we'd better call the fire department! Phoebe: No! No! Jason: No, no? Phoebe: Well, we don't n-n-n-n-need a fireman, we'd, we'd like a good mechanic. Oh my God, here they come! Well, we gotta get out of here! Jason: W-w-w-wait! Why?! Phoebe: Well look, if I wanted to see a fireman, I would date one. Okay? Ross: Th-th-that's all it is, a third nipple. Y'know? Just your run-of-the-mill third nipple. Y'know? You can take it off. Just slice that baby right off! Dr. Rhodes: Take your shirt off, and let's see what we're dealing with here. What are you doing? Ross: Just showing you my run-of-the-mill-slice-it-right-off third nipple. Dr. Rhodes: Well that's not a third nipple. Ross: No? Dr. Rhodes: First of all, it's on your ass. Ross: Well then, what is it?! Dr. Rhodes: Wait a minute, hold it. Johnson! Will you come in here a moment? Dr. Johnson: I'm with Hamilton! Dr. Rhodes: He's good with rear things, bring him in too. Monica: Y'know what, if he's gonna break up with me, maybe I won't water his plants. Chandler: Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants. If y'know what I mean. Joey: Or ha-ha, we could go over there and pee on them. Phoebe: …and I-I can't take it! Y'know? I'm just, always afraid one of them is gonna catch me with the other one. It's making me crazy. Rachel: Well honey, then why don't you break up with one of them? Phoebe: Uh. Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa. What ah, what happened to playing the field? Phoebe: Well, it just, it doesn't feel like playing anymore, it feels like work. It's like I'm working in the field. Rachel: So Pheebs, pick one of them. Monica: Yeah. Which one do you like more? Phoebe: Well, Vince is great, y'know `cause, he's like a guy, guy. Y'know? He's so burly, he's sooo very burly. Joey: Okay, good, so there you go. Go with Vince. Phoebe: Yeah, but Jason's really sensitive. Chandler: Well sensitive is important, pick him. Phoebe: Yeah. Joey: Oh sure, go with the sissy. Phoebe: Jason is not a sissy! Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, I meant Chandler. Ross: Y'know I have dinner plans!! Dr. Rhodes: Thank you soo much for coming on such a short notice. Ladies and gentlemen, I've-I've-I've been practicing medicine for twenty-three years, and I'm stumped. All: Whoa. Monica: Okay, this is the den. All right, check this out. Lights! Oh, see you just need to find the right command. Ross: Yes, and the dimmer switch. Joey: Whoa! For a rich guy he's got, that's a pretty small TV. Monica: No-no-no, that's a video-phone. But hey guys you're not supposed to be here, so please, do not touch anything. Chandler: I-kea! This is comfortable. Rachel: This place is amazing. Phoebe: God, that is the nicest kitchen. Monica: I know. Phoebe: No! But it's the nicest kitchen, the refrigerator told me to have a great day. Joey: Look at this! A millionaire's checkbook. Monica: Joey, put that down! Pete: Monica? Monica: I guess that's how. Pete: Hey Monica, how's it going. Monica: Oh it’s umm, good! It's umm, it’s good, just here watering the plants. Pete: Well don't forget that fiches over there by Rachel. Rachel: Ahh... Chandler's on the couch!! Pete: I see him, you guys are just the worst hiders ever. All: Hey Pete. Joey: Hi, how ya doing? Monica: Ahh, Pete, the other day when you said you needed to talk, umm, just so I know, is it good news or bad news. Pete: Oh, it's good news. No, it's definitely good news. Hold on a second, I have another call. Hey, how's it going? Monica: Oh no-no-no, it's still me. Pete: Ah, no it's not. I've got picture-in-picture here. Monica? You. I'm gonna have to call you back. Monica: Oh, oh, okay umm, so I'll see you soon. Pete: Okay, I love you. Monica: I love you. All: I love you, love you. Monica: Okay. Well, it's good news. It's good news. Chandler: So, what do you thing the good news is? Joey: Oh, sorry, what do you think the good news is? Monica: Oh my. Rachel: Monica's gonna marry a millionaire!!! Ross: Hey, you gotta get Mom on the phone. Call Mom! Call Mom! Pete's Mom: Hello. Monica: And that's Pete's Mom. Commercial Break Rachel: Mon you definitely have to make it a theme wedding, and the theme could be, “Look how much money we’ve got!” Y'know, I mean you could put, you could put money in-in the invitations! You-you could have like little money place settings. And ah, you could start with a money salad! I mean it’ll be dry, but people will like it. Monica: Would you stop? We’ve only been going out a couple of weeks, I mean we don’t even know if he’s gonna propose. Chandler: Yes, but this is Pete. Okay? He’s not like other people, on your first date he took you to Rome. For most guys that’s like a third or fourth date kinda thing. Monica: Well if-if that’s what it is, then it’s-it’s crazy. Ross: Monica’s right. We’re talking about getting married here. Okay? She-she can’t just rush into this. Rachel: Oh please, what do you know! You married a lesbian! Phoebe: All right. I gotta go. I have break up with Vince. Chandler: Oh, so you’re going with the teacher, huh? Phoebe: Yeah, I like Vince a lot, y'know? But, it’s just Jason’s so sensitive, y'know? And in the long run, I think sensitive it’s just better than having just like a really, really, really nice Jason! Definitely Jason! Okay, wish me luck! All: Good luck! Rachel: OH MY GOD!!! Sorry, I was just imagining what it’d be like to catch the money bouquet. Phoebe: Excuse me. Umm, is Vince here? Fireman: Oh sure. Vince?! Vince: Yo!! Phoebe: Wow! I didn’t know you guys actually used those. Vince: So, what’s up? Phoebe: Umm, wow. This-this isn’t gonna be easy. Umm, I don’t think we should see each other anymore. Vince: Uh-huh. G-good deal. Phoebe: I’m sorry. Vince: No-no it’s okay. It’s just that ah, I thought we had something pretty special here. And y'know I-I felt like you were someone I could finally open up to, and… That there’s so much in me I have to share with you yet. Phoebe: Oh my God, I didn’t… Vince: Phoebe: Wait-wait-wait! Wait!! Phoebe: I’m telling you, if you want to take care of that thing, you should go to my herbal guy. Ross: Thank you, but I want to remove it Pheebs. I don’t want to make it savory. Monica: Y'know when girls sleep with guys with weird things on their body, they tell their friends about it. Ross: Gimme this. Rachel: Hi! Okay, don’t be mad at me, but I couldn’t resist. Monica: Brides magazines? Rachel: Yes, and I know that you’d say no if he asked you, but I’m sorry; how great would you look walking down the aisle in this Donna Carin. Phoebe: Like for clubbing. Monica: It is so weird, I know what I said, but uh, this morning, I was lying in bed I was, I was imagining what it would be like to say yes. I know it’s a little sudden, and it’s a little rushed, and it’s totally not like me to do something like this, but that doesn’t mean I can’t. Right? I mean I’m-I’m crazy about Pete, and I know that we want the same things, and when I thought about saying yes, it made me really happy. Rachel: Oh my God. Monica: I know. Phoebe: Hey Mon umm, if you do get married, can I bring two guests? Rachel: You didn’t break up with that fireman? Phoebe: No, that was my way of telling you. Well, it turns out he’s incredibly sensitive, he keeps a journal and he paints. He even showed me charcoal drawings that he drew of me. Rachel: Wow! Phoebe: Yeah, well he’d prefer water colors, but y'know, he has easy access to a lot of charcoal. Monica: So then, are you going to dump Jason? Phoebe: Well, yeah, because I have to break up with someone, and… Okay so Jason is sensitive, So… It’s really just about the math. Phoebe: Jason? Jason: Yeah, come on in. Jason: So Phoebe, you ah, sounded kinda serious on the phone, is ah, is anything wrong? Phoebe: Nah-ha! Guru Saj: You must be Ross. Ross: Hi. Guru Saj: I am Guru Saj. Ross: Listen, I got to tell you I’ve-I’ve never been to a guru before, so... Guru Saj: Well, relax. If it makes you feel better, I’ve attended some of the finest medical schools in Central America. Well then, let’s take a look at this skin abnormality of yours. Eeh, huh. As I suspected, it’s a koondis! Ross: What’s a koondis? Guru Saj: I don’t know, what’s a koondis with you? Please, lie down! I’ve got a sav that oughta shrink that right up. Ross: I guess it’s worth a try. Guru Saj: Oh sure, we should see results—Whoa!! Clearly not the way to go!! Ross: What?! What?! Guru Saj: We appear to have angered it. Ross: We?! We angered it?! Guru Saj: Oh, I think I see the problem. And I’m afraid we’re gonna have to use a much stronger tool. Love. Ross: Oh God! Guru Saj: Ross, there is absolutely no way this is going to come off unless you start to… Ross: Ow!! Guru Saj: Oops. Ross: What was, what was that? Guru Saj: Well it’s gone. Ross: What?! How’s that? Guru Saj: It got caught on my watch. Ross: Hey! Pete: Lights. Monica: Ooh, nice. Pete: So ah, there was this thing I wanted to talk to you about. Monica: Oh, right! I completely forgot about that. Pete: Well ah, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I look at my life… Monica: Yeah? Pete: And I feel like I’ve conquered the business world, and I feel like I’ve conquered the intellectual world, and now I-I have the most beautiful woman in the world. Monica: Wow. Pete: There’s one thing missing. Monica: What’s that? Pete: It’s time for me to conquer the physical world. Monica: Okay. Pete: Monica, I want to become the Ultimate Fighting Champion. Monica: You wanna what?! Pete: I want to become the Ultimate Fighting Champion! It’s the most intense physical competition in the world, it’s banned in 49 states! Monica: What are you talking about? Pete: Okay, my trainer, Ho Chi, is teaching me a combination of Gee Koon Doe and Brazilian street fighting, I’ve even had my own octagon training ring designed. Monica: And I suppose you used a ring designer for that. Pete: Yeah. Monica, I want you there in the front row when I win. I want you close enough to smell the blood. What do you think? Monica: My parents will be so happy. Phoebe: Okay, thank you. And, as always no one talk to me after the show. Jason: Hey. I was… Phoebe: Hey! Jason: I was passin’ by and I saw that you were playing tonight, it’s kinda cool seeing you up there. Vince: Whoa! Hey-hey! What’s going on here? Who is this guy? Phoebe: I don’t know, he just started kissing me. Get him! Get him, Vince! Vince: What?! Jason: What?! Phoebe: Yeah, okay, I’ve-I’ve been dating both of you, and it’s been really horrible. ‘Cause y'know it’s been a lot of fun, for me. Umm, but I-I like you both, and I, and I didn’t know how to chose, so... I’m sorry, I’m just, I’m terrible, I’m a terrible person. I’m terrible. Vince: Phoebe, Phoebe relax, it’s okay. I mean we never said this was exclusive. Jason: Yeah, and neither did we. Give yourself a break. Phoebe: Really?! Jason: Yeah. I mean y'know, we haven’t been going out that long. Come on, we haven’t even slept together yet. Huh. Vince: You haven’t? Jason: You have? Phoebe: Well, this is none of my business. Jason: I-I can’t believe this! You-you’ve slept with him?! Phoebe: Well, I made you a candle light dinner in the park. Jason: Y'know Phoebe, I’m gonna make this real easy for you. Phoebe: Well, that could’ve been really awkward. Vince: You made him a candle light dinner in the park? Phoebe: Yeah, but I-I-I-I can do that for you, I’m gonna do that for you. Vince: Uh yeah, I can’t believe I ever went out with somebody who would actually have an open flame in the middle of a wooden area. Closing Credits Chandler: Everything’s gonna be all right. Okay, Dick? Guru Saj: That’s supposed to be a duck right? ‘Cause otherwise, this is waaay out of my league. Joey: Yeah, yeah. He’s got a, he’s got a really bad cough, and our vet, he can’t do anything about it. Is there something you can do? Guru Saj: Hmm, let me see. Let me see. Do you think you could get him to eat a bat? End Story by: Mark J. Kunerth & Pang-ni Landrum Teleplay by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Chandler: Do you think that there’s a town in Missouri or some place called Sample? And ah, as you’re driving into town there’s-there’s like a sign, and it says “You’re in Sample.” Monica: Hey. All: Hey! Rachel: How’d it go with Pete?! Joey: Tell us! Monica: You’re not gonna believe this. Okay, so I go over... Billy Crystal: I’m sorry. Ex-excuse us. I’m sorry, it’s a little crowded. Do you mind if we... Robin Williams: Yeah, could you scooch? Billy: Yeah, move over just a little bit. Robin: Keep on scooching. Monica: So guys, listen, I go over there, and umm... Robin: Why? Why?! What’s wrong with me?! Billy: What’s the matter? Robin: I have a feelin’... I, my wife is sleeping with her gynaecologist. Billy: How do you know? Robin: Well y'know, he’s got access. Billy: Yeah. Robin: Y'know it’s that feeling you get, y'know? Billy: Like when you go bowling and you know you’re in somebody else’s shoes? Robin: That’s the one. Phoebe: All right, so, so you went to Pete’s... Ross: What happened? Monica: I... Robin: Why is this happening to me?! I don’t know, maybe it’s my wound. Monica: Forget it. Billy: So it’s-it’s not heeled yet? Robin: No-no, it’s ooozing, oozing. Could you pass me the cream? Is there any—Oh, there’s the cream. Billy: Thomas, this is gonna be hard, but I wanted it to come from me, and nobody else. Robin: What is it, Tim? Billy: It’s me, I’ve been sleeping with your wife. Joey: So you’re the gynaecologist? Billy: Hey, I’m trying to have a private conversation! Is that okay?! Robin: Get away from me!! Billy: Thomas, come back here! Phoebe: So Monica, what were you gonna tell us? Monica: I have no idea. Opening Credits Rachel: So, come on, what was the big news Pete wanted to tell you Mon?! Or should I say Mrs. Monica Becker? Phoebe: No-no-no oh, keep your name, don’t take his name. Monica: He didn’t ask me to marry him. All: Ohh. Phoebe: Well then definately don’t take his name. Monica: He wanted to tell me he’s gonna compete is some ultimate fighting competition thingy. The Guys: Pete?! Rachel: Why?! What is it? Monica: I don’t know exactly. It’s-it’s sorta like wrestling. Phoebe: Oh?! Monica: Yeah, but without the costumes. Phoebe: Oh. Joey: And it’s not fake, it’s totally brutal. Chandler: Yeah, it’s two guys in a ring, and the rules are: “They’re are no rules.” Monica: So you can like, bite, and pull people’s hair and stuff? Ross: Yeah, anything goes, except ah, eye gouging and fish hooking. Monica: What’s fish hooking? Ross: Huh, what’s fish hooking... Thanks man, that would have been really hard to describe. What is that taste? Joey: What? My hands are totally clean, I just gave the duck a bath. Doug: So thanks for the warm welcome. It’s good to have you guys on my team, and I come to play. I hope you do too. Now, let’s go out there and get ‘em! Huh? And remember, there is no ‘I’ in team. Chandler: Yes, but there’s two in martini, soo everybody back to my office. Doug: You! Chuckles! What’s your name? Chandler: Oh it’s Bing, sir. I’m sorry , I was just ah... Doug: No-no, I heard what you said, funny. I like funny. Ross: Yeah, we have the reservations. Rachel: Yes!! Chandler: All right buddy, way to go! Ross: Dude, what are you doing? Chandler: Thank you! Today, my boss keep slapping my butt and he was acting like it was no big deal. Phoebe: Yeesh, what’d you do about it? Chandler: Well, I didn’t do anything. I didn’t want to be the guy who has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom. Monica: I gotta tell ya, I think it’s okay to be that guy. Joey: Yeah, maybe it’s like y'know, that jock thing. Y'know how football players pat each other after touchdowns. Rachel: Y'know I don’t, I don’t understand guys, I mean I-I would never congratulate Monica on a great stew by y'know, grabbin’ her boob. Chandler: Yeah, I know, for a really great stew you just y'know, stick your head in between ‘em. Monica: Okay, can we please go eat? Joey: Yeah. What are we getting? Monica: Anything but stew. Ross: All right so, Chandler, from now on, don’t give your boss a chance to get you. Y'know just ah, don’t turn your back to him. Joey: Yeah, or you can teach him a lesson. Y'know? What you could do is you could rub something that really smells on your butt, all right? Then, when he goes to smack ya, his hand will smell. Now what could you rub on your butt that would smell bad? Chandler: What if Joey were president? Phoebe: Umm, hey Rach, can I ask you something? Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: Okay, you can totally say no, but umm, would it be okay with you if I set Ross up on a date? Rachel: Oh, ah with who? Phoebe: Umm, my friend, Bonnie. She just always thought Ross was really cute, and now that you two aren’t together, she asked if I could set it up, but if you’re not cool with it... Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, which one is Bonnie again? Phoebe: You remember her from my birthday party two years ago. She’s yeah, like, average height, medium build, bald... Rachel: Oh! That’s fine. Phoebe: Great! Okay, good for you! Hoshi: You are iron. You are steel! Let me ask you something, how come when I call your computer support line, I have to wait an hour and a half? Pete: I told you, we’re adding new operators all the time. Could we concentrate on my training? Hoshi: It’s just hard when I know I have e-mail I can’t get! Monica: Hi! Pete: Monica! Hi honey. Hoshi: All right, on the table. Monica: Hey, umm, so listen umm, my friends were telling me a little about this ah, ultimate fighting thing and it, well it sounds really dangerous. I-I don’t want you to get hurt, ‘cause I kinda like you. Pete: Oh, believe me, I don’t want to get hurt either. I’m being smart about this. See these guys? They’re the best trainers in the world, and Hoshi here used to be a paid assassin. A house painter! He used to be a house painter. Monica: Promise me you’ll be careful. Pete: I promise. Monica: Hey, are we still on for tonight? Pete: Yeah. Monica: Okay, good, ‘cause umm, well maybe we could have a little workout of our own... Hoshi: No! No boom-boom before big fight! Monica: How ‘bout just a boom? Rachel: Well that was depressing, I think I just bought a soft pretzel from one of the kids from Fame. Ready to go to the movies? Phoebe: Um-hmm. Oh wait! This is Bonnie. Bonnie: Hi! Rachel: This is Bonnie? You’re Bonnie? Bonnie: I can show you an ID if you want? Rachel: Oh no, I’m sorry, you look a lot different from the last time I-I saw you. Bonnie: Oh yeah, well I just started wearing bras again. Rachel: Oh, that must be it. Phoebe: Well I hope you have fun tonight. Bonnie: Thanks! You too. Rachel: You said she was bald. Phoebe: Yeah, she was bald, she’s not now. Rachel: How could you not tell me that she has hair? Phoebe: I don’t know, I hardly ever say that about people. Rachel: Ohh, well, this is just perfect! Phoebe: Well I’m sorry, I thought you said it was okay. Rachel: Yeah, I said what was okay when I thought she was some weird bald chick. I mean, y'know, that girl has hair got all over head! Phoebe: Well, maybe it won’t work out. Maybe Ross won’t like her personality. Rachel: Why, does she have a bad personality? Phoebe: Oh no, Bonnie’s the best! Doug: Bing! Chandler: What is with him? Phil: With him? You’re is favourite, you’re his guy! Stevens: We never get smacked. Chandler: Well, that’s not true, he-he smacked you once. Phil: Not on purpose, he ricocheted of you and got me. Stevens: I’m telling you, I need some smacks. I got a kid starting Dartmouth in the fall. Doug: Dartmouth? Who went to Dartmouth? Dartmouth sucks. Did you go to Dartmouth Bing? Chandler: No sir. Doug: There you go. Ross: Hey! Monica: God Ross, what is that? Ross: Yeah, it’s the Ultimate Fighting Combo. Yeah, I saved thirty cents, plus I get to keep the cup. Yay!! Announcer: From New York City, New York! Appearing in his Ultimate Fighting Championship debut! He’s known for his confrontational business style. Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing Pete Beck-errrr!! Monica: I love you, Pete!!! Announcer: And his opponent, from Hunnington Beach, California! He’s a 300 pound street fighter, Tank Abbottttttt!!!! Monica: Pete! Pete!! That guy’s pretty huge! Pete: Don’t worry, Hoshi taught me how to use an opponent’s strength and weight against him. Ross: Well, then that guy is in serious, serious trouble. Ross: All right! You go get him! Let’s go! Referee: Here we go gentlemen, here we go! Let’s get it on!! Pete: Uh-oh. Commercial Break Monica: Hey! It’s me. Mon-i-ca! Can I just tell you how proud I am of you. Pete: It would be nice after hearing 20,000 people chant “You suck!” Monica: I mean I-I thought you were nuts at first, but you-you did it. And now you can just look back at this thing with no regrets. Pete: What, look back? Monica: Well, you’re not gonna get going are you? Pete: Well let me ask you a question. Am I the Ultimate Fighting Champion? Monica: Well, no. But... Pete: Well I’m not gonna stop until I’m the Ultimate Fighting Champion. Monica: That guy stood on your neck until you passed out! Pete: Let me tell you a story. When I set out to create Moss 865, do you think it just happened overnight? No. There was Moss 1, that burnt down my Dad’s garage, there was Moss 2 that would only schedule appointments in January, and 862 others that I learned from, just like I learned from this fight, never to let a guy stand on my neck. Monica: You didn’t know that already? Pete: Look, I’m gonna get better. Okay? I promise you. Monica: Okay, just get a lot better. Fast. Pete: Oh, one other thing. Hoshi thinks that you being ringside may have affected my concentration. Monica: Yeah. That-that was the problem. Monica: Hey. Ross: Hey! How long until Pete’s fight? Monica: Oh, about five minutes. Right now they’re interviewing his opponent. Apparently he trains by going to Iran and pulling the arms off thieves. Ross: Hot dog? Monica: Four, please. Phoebe: So Ross, how umm, how did it go with Bonnie? Ross: What? Oh! I gotta tell you, I-I wasn’t expecting to like her at all, I mean I actually wasn’t expecting to like anyone right now, but she’s really terrific. Phoebe: Ohh, that’s too bad! Ross: No, I-I’m saying I liked her. Phoebe: Yeah, y'know what, there are other fish in the sea. Ross: Pheebs, I think she’s great. Okay? We’re going out again. Phoebe: Okay, I hear you! Are you capable of talking about any thing else? Chandler: Hey! Which one’s my turkey burger? Ross: Ahh, the one next to my foot. Sorry. Joey: Hey, the fight’s starting! Ross: Okay, we’ll be right in. So ah, did your boss try to slap you again today? Chandler: Nine times! Okay, I had to put on lotion! But, it’s gonna be okay, because as of tomorrow I’m conducting an experiment, and if all goes as planned, my butt will be smack free. Joey: Fight’s over! Chandler: Excuse me, Doug? Hey there sports fan!! Doug: Bing! You got those numbers for me? Chandler: No, I ah, I didn’t do them. Doug: Oh, you forgot? Chandler: No, no I just ah, didn’t do them. Instead, I ah, hung out with a couple of friends and had a couple of beers so I certainly don’t deserve any praise, verbal or otherwise. Doug: Well, I got tanked myself last night. Pretty dicey drive home, Tapanzi Bridge never looked smaller. Bing! Chandler: Doug!! Doug: Hmm. Chandler: I’m a little bit uncomfortable with the that way you express yourself. Doug: Oh, is it the swearing? I mean is it the constant swearing? Because I gotta tell ya, if it is, you can just... kiss my ass! Chandler: No, no. It-it’s not about the swearing, it’s more about ah, the way, that you ah, occasionally, concentrate, your enthusiasm on my buttock. Doug: Oh? Chandler: Oh, and don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the sentiment. It’s just that I, I have a rather, sensitive posterior, and ah, besides, it’s making all the other guys jealous. Doug: Well, say no more. Y'know it takes guts to bring this up. Bing! You’re okay. Chandler: Okay. Doug: Ha! Ahhhhhhh! Chandler: Ahhhhh! Phoebe: Okay. Would you rather live in the shirt pocket of a sweaty giant, or inside his shower drain? Rachel: Oh my God! Phoebe look, it’s Ross and that girl. Phoebe: No! No! Look at that! It’s a line of ants! They’re working as a team! Rachel: Phoebe! Phoebe: Right, oh yeah. Wow, oh, it looks like Ross is breaking up with her. Uff, I hope he lets her down easy. Let’s go. Rachel: Come on Phoebe, look at that! They are not breaking up, look at them. Okay that’s, you know what that is? That is a, that is a second date, that’s what that is! Look at that, she just put her hand on his thigh... Phoebe: Oh no! That really is nothing, she is very sexually aggressive. Rachel: Ohh! Phoebe, this is all your fault! Now he loves her, he’s gonna marry her, and this is all your fault. Phoebe: You said it was okay! Rachel: You said she was bald!! Phoebe: What?! What-what-what-what-what?!! Rachel: Phoebe, we can’t, we just can’t just let it happen! Okay, we have to do something! We have to break them up! Okay? Just go in there and like, shave her head! You owe me one bald girl!! Phoebe: Okay, first of all, breathe. Second of all, I don’t get it. Aren’t you the one that decided that you didn’t want to be with Ross? Rachel: Yes. Phoebe: Well isn’t he your friend? Don’t you want him to be happy? Rachel: Yes. Phoebe: So? Rachel: I just y'know, I didn’t expect him to be this happy so soon. Ufff. Ooo-ooh! Phoebe: Oh no. Rachel: What? Phoebe: Oh, we killed them all. Rachel: Oh! Pete: It’s okay, it’s not as bad as it looks, it’s a precaution. Ah, I’m not supposed to move my spine. Monica: Please tell me you’re stopping now. Pete: I’m fine! I’d fight tonight, if they’d let me. See this circle I’m marking off here? This is my zone of terror. Monica: You are insane! You-you gotta give this up! Pete: I can’t until I’m the ultimate fighter. I will do it. I’m telling you, the day will come when children will argue over who will win a fight, me or Superman. Now, I’m not saying I could beat Superman, but y'know, kids are stupid. Monica: Sit down. All right? Please, just listen to me. You are terrible at this! Okay? You are the worst ultimate fighter ever! Ever!! Pete: Y'know I have a torn rotator cuff, a hairline fracture in my right forearm, and a severely bruised Adam’s Apple, but that really hurt. Monica: Well then, y'know what? I care about you to much to watch you hurt yourself like this. So if you have to do this, then you’re gonna have to do it without me. Pete: Well if you’re asking me to quit, then you’re asking me to be someone I’m not. I’ve got to do this. Monica: Then I’ve gotta go. Bye. Pete: Mon-Monica? Monica: Yes? Pete: Could you leave a note? ‘Cause I’m on a lot of pain killers now, and I don’t know if I’ll remember this tomorrow. Doug: So, in conclusion, the lines all go up Chandler: Thank you, sir. Stevens: Oh, excuse me. I forgot my briefcase y'know, by accident. Doug: Of course, you did. Forgot something else too ya bastard! Well, what about you? You’re not feeling left out or anything are ya? Chandler: No. No, not at all, that’s-that’s ridiculous. Doug: Everybody else got one, and you want one too. Don’t you? Chandler: Ye-ye-yeah, yes I do! Doug: Now get on out of here, you! Closing Credits TV Announcer: Pete Becker is circling the ring now. It looks like, he’s just trying to feel him out. Oh, Bruiser is just... Chandler: Run! Run you crazy, rich freak! Rachel: Oh, I can’t watch this. Joey: Check it out, he’s winning! Pete’s winning! Monica: Really?! Joey: No-o-o!! TV Announcer: Uh-oh, Bruiser has Becker on the canvas and is going for his favourite area. All: Oh! Oh! Phoebe: Wait, if that’s his favourite area, why is he being so mean to it? Ross: Well, this is ironic. Of your last two boyfriends, Richard didn’t want to have kids, and from the looks of it, now Pete can’t. All: Ohh!! End Joey: Okay, so we went to the beach, because Phoebe found out about this lady who knew her mom and dad, and I don’t really know what happened with that. Phoebe Sr.: I’m your mother. Phoebe: Ehh? Joey: Oh, and then Monica joked that she wouldn’t go out with a guy like Chandler... Chandler: Joey: ...and he couldn’t let it go, and... I don’t really know what happened with that either. Joey: Oh-oh! And then Ross’s new girlfriend, Bonnie, shows up and Rachel convinced her to save her head. And then Ross and Rachel kiss, and now Ross has to choose between Rachel and the bald girl and I don’t know what happened there either... Joey: Y'know what, hold on, let me go get Chandler. Ross: Hi! Rachel and Bonnie: Hi! Bonnie: Rachel was just helping me out. My head got all sunburned. Ross: Awww. Bonnie: Thanks a million. Rachel: Oh, you’re welcome a million. Bonnie: Okay, I’ll see you in our room. Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Oh my God. Ross: I know. Ross: Okay, I gotta go. Rachel: Whoa! What?! Why?! Ross: Well, I-I gotta go break up with Bonnie. Rachel: Here?! Now?! Ross: Well, yeah. I can’t-I can’t stay here all night, and if I go in there she’s-she’s gonna wanna... do stuff. Rachel: Well, can’t you tell her that you are not in the mood? Ross: No, she likes that. Yeah. Faking sleep doesn’t work either, I can’t tell you how many mornings I woke up with her... Rachel: Whoa-ho. Ross: Whoa-oh, okay! Yeah, why am I telling you that? Rachel: I don’t know. Ross: Yeah, yeah. It wasn’t every morning. Rachel: Oh, making it worse! Ross: Okay. Opening Credits Phoebe Sr.: So I guess you’d like to know how it all happened. Phoebe: I-I mean I, well I think I can figure it out. I guess y'know I was born, and everyone started lying their asses off! Phoebe Sr.: Noo! No! It wasn’t like that I... Remember how I told you how Lily, Frank, and I we were, we were close. Well, we were, we were very close. Phoebe: How close? Phoebe Sr.: Well, the-the three of us we were, kind of umm, a couple. Phoebe: I don’t even know how that would work! Phoebe Sr.: Well, we were... Phoebe: I’m not asking! Phoebe Sr.: Well, any how, some how I got pregnant, and, and I was scared. I was stupid and sellfish, and I was 18 years old. I mean, you remember what it’s like to be eighteen years old? Phoebe: Yeah. Let’s see, my had Mom killed herself, and my Dad had run off, and I was living in a Gremlin with a guy named Cindy who talked to his hand. Phoebe Sr.: Well, I’m so sorry. I thought I was leaving you with the best parents in the world, I didn’t even hear about your Mom and Dad til a couple of years ago, and by then you were already grown up. I don’t know, you’re here, and I would, I would really, I would like to get to know you. Phoebe: Yeah, well, everybody does! I’m a really cool person. And y'know you had 29 years to find that out, but you didn’t even try! Y'know what, you walked out on me, and I’m just, I’m gonna do the same thing to you. Phoebe Sr.: Wait! Phoebe: I don’t ever want to see you again! Phoebe: Umm, where’s my purse? Monica: Shoot! We’re out of soda. Chandler: Oh, I’ll go out and get you some. Monica: Really?! Chandler: Nope! Because I’m not your boyfriend. Hey Pheebs, how did it go? Phoebe: Well, umm, my Mom’s friend, Phoebe, is actually my birth Mom. Chandler: I found a dried up seashores. Monica: Sweety, what are you talking about? Phoebe: Oh, my new Mom, who-who’s a big, fat abandoner! Joey: Whoa, wait, Pheebs, wait a second! Don’t you wanna stay here and talk about it? Phoebe: No. I’m just, I wanna, I need to be alone. Phoebe: Monica! Monica: Oh. Ross: It’s over. Rachel: Oh, was it awful? Ross: Well, it was loong. I didn’t even realise how late it was, until I noticed the 5 o’clock shadow on her head. Anyway, she didn’t want to stay. I called a cab; she just left. Rachel: I wrote you a letter. Ross: Ohh! Thank you! I like mail. Rachel: It’s just some things I’ve been thinking about. Some things about us, and before we can even think about the two of us getting back together, I just need to know how you feel about this stuff. Ross: Okay. So, I’d better get cracking on this baby. Rachel: Well, I’ll be waiting for you, just come up when you’re done. Ross: Okay, I’ll be up in, 18 pages. Front and back. Very exciting. Ross: Oh. Rachel: What happened to you? Why didn’t you come up? Ross: Done! Rachel: You just finished? Ross: Well, I wanted to be thorough. I mean this-this is clearly very, very important to you, to us! And so I wanted to read every word carefully, twice! Rachel: So umm, does it? Ross: I’m sorry. Rachel: Does it? Ross: Does it? Does it? Yeah, I wanted to give that whole ‘Does it?’ part just another glance. Rachel: What are you talking about, Ross, you just said that you read it twice! Look, y'know what, either it does or it doesn’t, and if you have to even think about it... Ross: No, Rach, no. I don’t, I don’t, I don’t have to think about it, in fact, I’ve decided, I’ve decided that, that it.......does. Rachel: Are you sure? Ross: Oh, sure! I’m sure. Rachel: I know. Chandler: All right, there’s a nuclear holocaust, I’m the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me? Monica: Ennnh. Chandler: I’ve got canned goods. Joey: Check this baby out, dug me a hole! Chandler: Excellent hole, Joe. Joey: Oh no! No!! My hole!! Monica: Ow!! Ow!!! Joey: What?! What?!! What is it?! Monica: Jellyfish sting! Oh, it hurts! It hurts!! It hurts!! Chandler: Well, can we help?! You want us to take you back to the house?! Monica: It’s like two miles! Joey: Yeah, and I’m a little tired from digging the hole. Monica: Oh damn the jellyfish. Damn all the jellyfish! Chandler: We’ve got to do something! Joey: Well, there’s really only one thing you can do. Monica: What?! What is it?! Joey: You’re gonna have to pee on it. Monica: What?!! Gross!! Joey: Don’t blame me, I saw it on The Discovery Channel. Chandler: Y'know what, he’s right. There’s something like uh, ammonia in that, that like kills the pain. Monica: Well forget it! It doesn’t hurt that baaad!!!! Joey: If you want some privacy you can use my hole. Phoebe: Well, I’m ready to get the hell out of here! But for you, yay! Ohh. Ross: Hey! Rachel: How was the beach? Monica: Nothing, I don’t know. Ross: What happened? Monica: Nothing. I’m gonna take a shower. Chandler: Me too!! Joey: Me too. Phoebe: Okay, I’m gonna put this in the car. Rachel: Ooh, I have to go pack. It really does? Ross: It does. It really and truly does. Ross: It so does not!!! Commercial Break Ross: She wants me to take responsibility for everything that went wrong in our relationship. I mean she goes on for five pages about, about how I was unfaithful to her! WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!! Chandler: Oh my God! If you say that one more time, I’m gonna break up with you! Ross: Fine! Fine! But this break-up was not all my fault, and she, she says here, Does it?!!” Joey: No? Chandler: Look, Ross, you have what you want, you’re back with Rachel. If you bring this up now you’re gonna wreck the best thing that even happened to you. Ross: Yeah, I know. I mean, no, you’re right. Yeah I guess I’ll let it go. But you-you understand how-how hard it is to forget about this. Joey: Sure, it’s hard to forget! But that doesn’t mean you have to talk about it! A lot of things happened on that trip that we should never, ever talk about. Ross: What the hell happened on that beach?! Joey: It’s between us and the sea, Ross! Phoebe: Hi, Ursula. Ursula: Hey! Phoebe: Okay, well umm, I know that we haven’t talked in a long time, but umm okay, our Mom is not our birth Mom. This-this other lady is our birth Mom. Ursula: Right, okay, the one that lives in Montuak, umm-hmm. Phoebe: You know her?! Ursula: No, I umm, I read about her in Mom’s suicide note. Phoebe: There-there was a suicide note?! Well, do you still have it? Ursula: Phoebe: I can’t believe you didn’t tell me there was a suicide note! Ursula: Yeah. So how have you been doing? Phoebe: I, umm, shut up! Phoebe: “Good-bye Phoebe and Ursula. I’ll miss you. P.S. Your Mom lives in Montauk.” You just wrote this! Ursula: Well, it’s pretty much the gist. Well, except for the poem. You read the poem, right? Phoebe: Noooo!! Ursula: All right, hang on! Monica: Pass the cheese, please. Monica: My God, you can’t even look at me! Can you? Joey: Nope. Chandler: Hey! Phoebe! We can talk to Phoebe!! Phoebe: No. I’m-I’m to depressed to talk. Chandler: I’ll give you a thousand dollars to talk to us. Ross: Hey, you guys! What do you, what do you think about making that beach trip an annual thing? Chandler, Monica, and Joey: NO!!! Rachel: All right, that’s it, you guys! What happened out there? Monica: What? We took a walk, nothing happened. I can back with nothing all over me. Ross and Rachel: Come on! Ross: What happened? Joey? Joey: All right. Monica: No! Joey, we swore we’d never tell! Chandler: They’ll never understand! Joey: Well, we have to say something! We have to get it out! It’s eating me alive!! Monica got stung by a jellyfish. Monica: I got stung. Stung bad. I couldn’t stand. I-I couldn’t walk. Chandler: Monica: I was in too much pain. Joey: And I was tired from digging the huge hole! Chandler: And then Joey remembered something. Joey: I’d seen this thing on The Discovery Channel... Ross: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you... Ewwww!! You peed on yourself?! Phoebe and Rachel: Ewwww!! Monica: You can’t say that!! You-you don’t know!! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldn’t...bend that way. So... Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel: Ewwww!! Joey: That’s right I stepped up! She’s my friend and she needed help! And if I had too, I’d pee on anyone of you! Only, uhh, I couldn’t. I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was too much pressure. So-so I uh, I turned to Chandler. Chandler: Joey kept screaming at me, “Do it now! Do it!! Do it! Do it now!!” Sometimes late at night I can still here the screaming. Joey: That’s ‘cause sometimes I just do it through my wall to freak you out. Phoebe: Except for you. You go away. Phoebe Sr.: I’ll go in a second, I-I just wanted to tell you that there hasn’t been a day where I didn’t regret giving you up. Phoebe: Okay, bye. Phoebe Sr.: No, I’m not done. I-I-I just want you to know that I, the reason I didn’t look you up was, well I was afraid that you’d react, just well like, the way, the way you’re reacting right now, and can’t we just, y'know, start from here? Phoebe: No. Phoebe Sr.: Sorry. But just one last thing. Y'know you came looking for family. I’m family, I’m it. Now, now I’m done. Phoebe: But, it’s not like we’re losing anything. Y'know? Phoebe Sr.: Yeah, I guess you’re right. Phoebe: It’s not like we-we know each other or anything. Or that have anything in common. Phoebe Sr.: Well, I don’t know. I mean it’s not like we don’t have anything in common. I mean I like uh, pizza. Phoebe: I-I like pizza! Phoebe Sr.: You do?! Wait, I like umm, the Beetles. Phoebe: Oh my God, so do I! Phoebe Sr.: I knew it, wow!! Phoebe: Wait-wait-wait, wait! Puppies. Cute or ugly? Phoebe Sr.: Ohh, so cute. Phoebe: Uh-huh, well! But umm, still I’m-I’m mad at you. Phoebe Sr.: I know. I’m mad at me too. Phoebe: Well umm, do you wanna get something to eat? I’m kinda hungry. Phoebe Sr.: Hey! Me too! Phoebe: All right, stop it. Now you’re just doing it to freak me out. Rachel: Oh-hooo, I missed you. Ross: I missed you too. Rachel: Ooh, I was soo nervous about that letter. But the way you owned up to everything, it just showed me how much you’ve grown. Y'know? Ross: I suppose. Rachel: You have! Ross, you should give yourself credit. I mean my Mom never thought this would work out. It was all, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” Ross: Umm-hmm. Rachel: Ooh, I just wish we hadn’t lost those four months, but if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective... Ross: WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!!! Chandler: Coffee house? Monica: You bet. Ross: And for the record, it took two people to break up this relationship!! Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!! Ross: I didn’t know what I was taking full responsibility for! Okay?! I didn’t finish the whole letter! Rachel: What?!! Ross: I fell asleep! Rachel: You fell asleep?! Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!! Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means ‘you are,’ Y-O-U-R means ‘your!’ Rachel: Y'know I can’t believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!! Ross: Rachel: Oh, oh, and hey-hey-hey, those little spelling tips will come in handy when you’re at home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with Monica!! Monica: Hey!! Rachel: I just feel bad about all that sleep you’re gonna miss wishing you were with me! Ross: Oh, no-no-no don’t you worry about me falling asleep. I still have your letter!!! Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, it’s not that common! It doesn’t happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!! Chandler: I KNEW IT!!!! Closing Credits Monica: Gin. Chandler: We were playing Gin? Y'know if we were a couple, we could play this game naked. Monica: Will you stop! Chandler: Okay. All right. Monica: Okay, all right, I think you’re great, I think you’re sweet, and you’re smart, and I love you. But you will always be the guy who peed on me. End Written by: Jill Condon & Any Toomin Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Chandler: Wow! That ripped! That ripped real nice! Joey: How many times do I have to tell you! Ya, turn and sliiiide! Y'know, turn and slide. Chandler: You don’t turn and slide, you throw it out! I’m tired of having to get a tetanus shot every time I get dressed! Joey: Look, we’re not throwing it out! I built this thing with my own hands! Chandler: All right, how about we, how ‘bout we sell it. Joey: All right. But, you’re gonna have to tell them. Chandler: They seem all right with it! Opening Credits Chip: Hey Monica, it’s Chip. Monica: Yesss!! Ross: Who’s Chip? Monica: Shhh! Chip: Good runnin’ into you at the bank today, so ah, here’s my number, 555-9323. Give me a call. Later. Monica: Chip, is Chip Matthews. Ross: The guy who took Rachel to the prom? Why is he calling you? Monica: ‘Cause I ran into him at the bank, he is still soo cute. Ross: Monica, you’re so lucky! He’s like the most popular guy in school!! Monica: I know!! Ross: I was just leaving. Rachel: Good! ‘Cause I’ve got a product report to read, it’s like eight pages, I hope I don’t fall asleep. Ross: Why? Did you write it? Rachel: Wow! Look at that, Chip Matthews called. I wonder what he wants? Ross: Well ah, actually... Rachel: I bet he sensed that I was ready to have sex with another guy. Ross: Well, umm, why don’t you give him a call? Rachel: Okay. Are you sure you wanna hear this? Ross: Oh, I’m sure. Rachel: Ohh. Ross: Oh, that’s right! He called to ask out Monica! That-that’s gotta be embarrassing! Phoebe: Thank you, thanks. Ross: Hey, here’s a question; where did you guys get the finest oak East of the Mississippi? Chandler: Uh-huh, first you tell us where you got the prettiest lace in all the land. Ross: I’m reading your ad. Joey: Looks good, uh? Ross: Yeah. Chandler: Phoebe: Oh my God, you guys are selling the entertainment center? Rachel: Why? I love that thing. Chandler: You want it? Phoebe and Rachel: Oh no. Chandler: Ahh, Gepeto, $5,000 dollars? Are you insane? Joey: Hey, the ad alone cost 300 bucks! Chandler: All right look, I’m changing it to 50 bucks, or your best offer. Joey: What kind of profit is that?! And you call yourself an accountant. Chandler: Nooo. Joey: Oh. What do you do? Chandler: I can’t believe you don’t know what I do for a living! Phoebe: Yeah, I actually don’t know... Ross: Good, so do I Rachel: Something to do with numbers? Phoebe: Oh my God! No! Shoo! Kitty! No! No-no-no! Shoo! Come on, you! Oh my God. Rachel: What? Phoebe: Nothing. Nothing. Joey: What? What’s wrong? Phoebe: I just, I just have this really strong feeling that this cat is my Mother. Rachel: You mean the mom you met in Montauk. She was a cat?! Phoebe: No, no-no, she was a human lady. This is the spirit of my Mom Lily, the one who killed herself. Ross: Are you sure she’s in the cat, or have you been taking your grandma’s glycoma medicine again? Phoebe: No Dr. Skeptismo! I’m sure. First of all, okay, there’s the feeling. Oh, I haven’t seen this smile in 17 years! Joey: Dude, Phoebe’s mom has got a huge peni... Chandler: Let it go!! Monica: Hey! Rachel: Umm, when were you gonna tell me that you’re going out with Chip Matthews? Monica: Now? Is it okay if I go out with Chip Matthews? Rachel: Nooo! It’s not okay! I can’t believe you would want to after what he did to me! Monica: What, that little thing at the prom? Rachel: Monica! I couldn’t find him for two hours! He was having sex with Amy Welch! Monica: Come on, that was back in high school! How could that still bother you? Rachel: I mean why, of all people would you want to go out with Chip?! Monica: Look, you and I went to different high schools... Rachel: Okay, that doesn’t help me, because we went to the same high school. Monica: You went to one where you were popular, and you got to ride off Chip’s motorcycle, and wear his letterman jacket. I went to one where I wore a band uniform they had to have specially made. Rachel: They had to have that specially made?! Monica: It was a project for one of the Home Ec classes. Rachel: Oh my God, they told us that was for the mascot! Monica: Back then, I thought that I would never, ever get the chance to go out with a Chip Matthews, and now he’s-he’s called me up and asked me out. And the fat girl inside of me really wants to go. I-I owe her this. I never let her eat. Rachel: Oh, you go out with him. Monica: Oh, really?! Rachel: Yeah. Just, if it’s possible, could you leave him somewhere and go have sex with another guy? Monica: I’ll try. Ross: So you guys having any luck getting rid of the entertainment center? Joey: Well, there were a couple of calls last night, but ah, I don’t think any of them are gonna work out. Chandler: Yes, Joey has a very careful screening process. Apparently, not everyone is qualified to own wood and nails. Phoebe: Stop it! Stop it! She keeps squirming, trying to get away! Just like when she was alive. Ross: So Pheebs, how long is your mom gonna be with us? Phoebe: Well, I’m not sure. I mean, I guess until she y'know, gets used to the fact that there’s y'know, a new mom. Y'know, I think she’s worried that y'know, she’s gonna, she’s gonna be replaced. Okay, I have to return a call in the other room. Monica: Why can’t you use the phone in here? Phoebe: Well, I’m returning a call from a certain mom at the B-E-A-C-H. I just spelled the wrong word. Ross: So, guys, am I crazy, or does Phoebe’s mom remind anyone of a cat? Monica: Ross, don’t start. Ross: Come on, you-you can’t tell me you actually believe that-that there’s a woman inside that cat! Rachel: I believe it. Ross: No you don’t. Rachel: Yes, I do. Ross: No you do—y'know what, you’re not gonna suck me into this. Rachel: Oh sure I am, because you always have to be right. Ross: I do not always have to be—okay, okay. Rachel: Jurassic Park could happen. Tony: Wow! That’s ah, that’s pretty nice! Joey: Pretty nice? Chandler: You’ll have to pardon my roommate, he wanted to marry this. Tony: We don’t have 50 bucks, but would you be willing to trade for it? We’ve got a canoe. Chandler: Y'know, I, I really don’t think we need a canoe. Tony: You gotta take the canoe! Chandler: All right, just, just take the entertainment center, and then when you get home, throw the canoe away! Peter: We’re not throwing it away! I built that canoe! Joey: Good for you!! Rachel: Look kinda familiar? Ross: Apparently Phoebe’s mother also goes by the name Julio. Rachel: You guys, there’s a little girl in Soho looking for this cat. I mean, you know what that means?! Joey: Yeah-eah! 200 dollar reward, split five ways!! Rachel: Do we have to tell her? Ross: Yes, we have to tell her! Monica: Oh, but it’s made her so happy. Ross: Okay, y'know what, I have to go have dinner with my son, can I trust that when you see Phoebe, you will tell her. All: Yeah. Ross: Thank you. Rachel: I hate when Ross is right! Monica: He is right, isn’t he? Chandler: Y'know what, I think this might be one of the times he’s wrong. All: You think? Chandler: Oh-no, he’s right. Commercial Break Phoebe: Monica: Hi! All: Hey! Joey: Uh, Pheebs, about your mom... Phoebe: Yeah? Joey: How’s that going? Phoebe: So great. Oh, we took a nap today and my Mom fell asleep on my tummy and purred. Joey: That’s so sweet. Monica: Rachel: Pheebs... Phoebe: I just feel so, uhh..... Rachel: All right!! Chandler: I’m coming already!! Rachel: Jeez! Monica: Rachel: Hello, Chip. Chip: Hey, Rach! How ya doin’? Rachel: I’m great! I’m great. I’ve got a great job at Bloomingdale’s, have wonderful friends, and eventhough I’m not seeing anyone right now, I’ve never felt better about myself. Chip: So ah, Monica ready yet? Rachel: She’ll be out in a second. So, Chip, how’s umm, Amy Welch? Chip: Amy Welch? Wow! I haven’t seen her since... So, Monica about ready? Joey: This is the unit for you my friend. Sturdy construction, tons of storage compartments, some big enough to fit a grown man. Guy: What?! Joey: Oh yeah! I got in there myself once. My roommate bet me five bucks that I couldn’t, and then he stuck a board through the handles that locked me in. Yeah. It was funny ‘til I started feeling like I was in a coffin. Guy: No, you, you can’t fit in that thing. That’s not deep enough. Joey: Oh yeah? If I can’t, I’ll knock five bucks off the price off the unit. Guy: All right, you have yourself a deal. Joey: Okay. See?! I told ya! Joey: Sometimes I get in here just to get away from it! Hey, a nickel!! Chip: Here, we are. Monica: Oh my God! You still have the Chipper! Chip: The what? Monica: That’s what we used to call your ah, your motorcycle in high school. Y'know how a motorcycle is a Chopper, and you’re Chip. Nevermind. Chip: No, I think it’s cute. Monica: Wow! A lipper from Chipper. Chip: So you still in touch with anyone from high school? Monica: Umm. Well, there’s Rachel, and umm, I think that’s it. How bout you? Chip: Oh yeah, I still hang with Simmons and Zana, y'know. I see Spindler a lot. Devane, Kelly, and I run into Goldie from time to time. Steve Brown, Zuchoff, McGwire, J.T., Breadsly. Monica: Is that all? Chip: Ehh, y'know after high school, you just kinda lose touch. Oh yeah! I ran into Richard Dorfman. Monica: Ohh, how is he? Chip: Not so good, Simmons and I gave him a wedgie. Monica: Isn’t he an architect now? Chip: Yeah, they still wear underwear. Chandler: OH MY GOD!!! Joey: WHAT?!! Chandler: Are you all right?! Joey: Yeah... Chandler: What happened?!! Joey: Awww, man! He promised he wouldn’t take the chairs!! Chandler: What the hell happened?!! How were you locked in?!! And where the hell is all of our stuff?!! Joey: Well, this guy came by to look at the unit and-and he said he didn’t think big enough to fit a grown man! Chandler: So—You got in voluntarily?! Joey: I was tryin’ to make a sale!! Oh, man, if I ever run into that guy again, do you know what I’m gonna do? Chandler: BEND OVER?!!! Chip: ...and then Zana, just let one rip!! Monica: Look, not that I enjoy talking about people who I went to high school with, ‘cause I do, but umm, maybe we could talk about something else? Like you, I don’t even know where you work? Chip: You know where I work! Monica: I do? Chip: The movie theatre, you used to come in all the time. Monica: You still work at the multiplex? Chip: Oh, like I’d give up that job! Free popcorn and candy, anytime I want. I can get you free posters for your room. Monica: Thanks, I’m set. Do you still live with your parents? Chip: Oh yeah, but I can stay out as late as I want. Rachel: Wow! They really got you guys. Your T.V. The chairs. Phoebe: Oh yeah, your microwave. The stereo. Joey: Aww, man, he took the five of spades!! Oh, no-no-no, here it is! Monica: Oh my God! What happened? Chandler: Oh, umm, Joey was born, and then 28 years later, I was robbed!! Rachel: So, how was your date? Monica: Well, y'know how I always wanted to go out with Chip Matthews in high school? Rachel: Um-hmm. Monica: Well, tonight, I actually went out with Chip Matthews in high school. Rachel: Oh honey, I’m sorry. Monica: No, it’s okay, not only did I get to go out with Chip Matthews, I got to dump Chip Matthews. Rachel: Ohh! That’s so great! Monica: I know! Ross: Hey! So ah, what did the insurance company say? Chandler: Oh, they said uh, “You don’t have insurance here, so stop calling us.” Ross: Okay, fine! Pheebs? Phoebe: Yeah? Hi! Ross: Hi! Listen uhh, this cat belongs to a little girl. There are flyers all over the place. Rachel: I’m sorry, sweetie. Monica: Hey, we can take her back with you if you want. Phoebe: Ohh. Um-hmm. But y'know, she choose to find me. I mean, I have to respect her decision. Right? Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Rachel: That’s a good call. Right. Ross: No! No! Look—Hey, enough is enough! Look, I am sorry that you feel guilty or whatever about spending time with your new mom, but this is not your old mom. This is a cat! Okay, Julio the cat! Not mom! Cat! Phoebe: Ross, how many parents have you lost? Ross: None. Phoebe: Okay, then you don’t know what it feels like when one of them comes back. Do you? I believe this is my Mother. Even if I’m wrong, who cares? Just be a friend. Okay? Be supportive. Ross: I’m sorry. Phoebe: Okay. Ross: I don’t know what to say. Rachel: You could.... say you’re sorry to her mom. Phoebe: I think she would like that. Ross: Mrs. Buffay. Sorry, about what I said, umm, it was, it was insensitive of me to say that you were just a cat. When clearly you are also the reincarnated spirit, of my friend’s mother. Phoebe: Thank you. We both forgive you. Rachel: So honey, what are you gonna do about the little girl? Phoebe: Yeah, okay, listen, umm, Mom, I hope you know you still mean a lot to me. And you’re welcome to come back anytime. Chandler: Pheebs, if she could come back as a couch, we’d really appreciate it. Phoebe: Come on, Mom, I’ll take you home. Rachel: I’ll go with you. Monica: Me too. Ross: Oh! Y'know, I’ve got an extra futon. Joey: Dude, you don’t have to brag! We got nothing here!! Closing Credits End Written by: Seth Kirkland Transcribed by: Eric Aasen With Help from: Darcy Partridge Joey: Hey!! We are so in luck! Treeger said that we could have all this cool stuff from the basement. Wait right there. Chandler: Oh no-no-no, I’m, I’m paddling away! Joey: Huh?! Chandler: Wow! Really?! We get all this rusty crap for free?! Joey: Uh-huh. This and a bunch of bubble wrap. And, some of it is not even popped! Chandler: Could we be more white trash? Opening Credits Monica: How desperate am I? Rachel: Oh! Good thing Chandler’s not here, he always wins at this game. Monica: I just told my Mom I’d cater a party for her. Phoebe: How come? Monica: Because I need the money, and I thought that it’d be a great way to get rid of that last little schmidgen of self-respect. Ross: Come on, I think this is a good thing. I don’t think Mom would’ve hired you if she didn’t think you were good at what you do. Monica: You don’t have to stick up for her. She can’t here you. Rachel: Hey! Umm, do you guys have any juice? Joey: Just pickle. Chandler: Hey uh, Rach, funny story. I ah, bumped into Joanna on the street yesterday. Rachel: My boss, Joanna? Wow, that must’ve been awkward. Chandler: Well, no, actually she uh, asked me if I wanted to get a drink. Rachel: You ah, you didn’t say ‘Yes’ to that did you? Chandler: No. No! Joanna: Chandler: Well, not at first. Rachel: What is she doing here? Rachel: I don’t understand! Last time you went out with her you said she was a ‘big, dull dud.’ Chandler: Well, I think I judged her too quickly, and this time we were able to take the relationship to the next level. Rachel: Well, last time I almost got fired. You must end it, you must end it now! Chandler: Oh, come on! It’s not like this is an everyday occurrence for me! I mean usually I’m pretty much just in there by myself. Rachel: Chandler!! Promise me, you will end it. Chandler: Okay, I promise, I’ll end it. Rachel: Thank you. Chandler: I hope you know what I’m giving up for ya, because she’s not just the boss in your office, if you know what I mean. Joey: Yeah-eh-eah! Oh-oh, sorry, I-I knew what he meant. Mrs. Geller: How’s the hired help? Monica: Doing great, the quiches are coming along. Mrs. Geller: What’s this? Blue nail polish? Monica: Yeah, I thought it was cute. Mrs. Geller: Ahh, that’s what your Grandmother’s hands looked like when we found her. Monica: Let me ask you a question. Mrs. Geller: Hmm. Monica: Why did you hire me? Mrs. Geller: Oh, well Richard raved about the food at his party, of course you were sleeping with him. Then I heard the food at that lesbian wedding was very nice, I assume you weren’t sleeping with anybody there. Though, at least that would be something. Monica: Oh my God! Did you hear that? She hired me because she thinks I’m good. Phoebe: Okay, I didn’t hear that. Monica: Oh yeah, she didn’t hire me out of pity, it wasn’t so she could pick on me in front of her friends, she actually thinks I’m good. Phoebe: Wow! And hey, it’s cool if you’re a lesbian! The Salesman: Good afternoon, are you the decision maker of the house? Joey: Uhhhh. The Salesman: Do you ah, currently own a set of encyclopedias? Joey: No! No. But ah, try the classifieds, people sell everything in there. The Salesman: Actually, I’m not buying. I’m selling. Let me ask you one question. Do your friends ever have a conversation and you just nod along even though you’re not really sure what they’re talking about? Ross: …I’m telling you it’s totally unconstituional. Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Rachel: Oh yeah, I totally agree. Monica: …I think he deserves a Nobel Prize. All: Nooo!! Chandler: …it was like the Algonquin kids table. The Salesman: Excuse me, I’m sorry, you haven’t said anything for about two and a half minutes, are you at all interested? Joey: Yeah-well-yeah! Yeah-oh-yeah. Come on in. Phoebe: That’s weird. Monica: What? Phoebe: Your nails. Monica: Oh, I know, I never wear fake ones. I just did it so my Mom wouldn’t give me grief about me biting them. Phoebe: Oh, no, I meant that it’s weird that you only have nine now. Monica: Oh my God! It’s in the quiche! Oh My God! Phoebe: Okay, don’t panic. I’m gonna go to the store, I’m gonna get you another set of nails, no one’s gonna know, and you’re gonna look great. Oh! Oh, it’s ‘cause they’re gonna eat—that’s the problem. Mrs. Geller: Honey, don’t bite your nails. Monica: Okay ah, please don’t freak out. Umm, but ah, there’s a blue fingernail in one of the quiche cups, and there’s no way to know which one. Phoebe: And! Whoever finds it wins the prize! Mrs. Geller: I’m not freaking out. Monica: Then why are you laughing? Mrs. Geller: It’s nothing, it’s just that now your Father owes me five dollars. Monica: What? You bet I’d lose a nail? Mrs. Geller: Oh no, don’t be silly. I just bet I’d need these. Monica: Frozen lasagnas? Mrs. Geller: Um-hmm. Monica: You bet that I’d screw up?! So all that stuff about hiring me because I was good was… Mrs. Geller: No-no-no, that was all true. This was just in case you pulled a Monica. Monica: You promised Dr. Weinburg, you’d never use that phrase. Mrs. Geller: Oh honey, come on, have a sense of humour, you’ve never been able to laugh at yourself. Monica: That’s right. My Mom doesn’t have any faith in me! Oh, that’s hilarious! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Phoebe: I don’t get it. Mrs. Geller: No, I have faith… Monica: Oven: Ding! Phoebe: Op, the ruined quiches are ready. Chandler: It just doesn’t…feel like we’re breaking up. Joanna: No, we are. I’m sad. Chandler: Okay. (They start kissing again, but are interrupted by the phone. Joanna: Unbelievable!! Chandler: Thanks. Joanna: No, no, that was my boss. I have to go. Chandler: Okay. Joanna: What are you doing? Chandler: I’m getting dressed. Joanna: Why? Chandler: When I walk outside naked people throw garbage at me. Joanna: Wait. I wanna show you something. Chandler: What is it? Joanna: Just a little gag gift somebody gave me. Put your hands together. Chandler: Ah-ha, you’re not the boss of me. Ooh, saucy. Joanna: Chandler: You are, you’re gonna leave me like this? Joanna: Knowing you’re here, waiting for me I think it’s kinda exciting. Chandler: Okay. But if you don’t come back soon, there’s pretty much nothing I can do about it! Joanna: Oh. Sophie: Hi! I brought you back a macaroon! Joanna: Oh great! I’ll keep it in my butt with your nose. Rachel: That’s weird, she locked the door. Sophie: Y’know why? She’s got the Christmas bonus list in there. I saw her working on it this morning. Rachel: Okay, swear you won’t tell, but when Mark left he gave me a key to Joanna’s office. Do you wanna see the list? Sophie: Yeah! Chandler: Hi! How are you? (Rachel and Sophie both back out and close the door without saying anything. Commercial Break Chandler: Hello, Joanna……’s office. Joanna: I’m really sorry but I may be a little while longer. Chandler: How little?! Joanna: A couple of hours, I feel awful. Chandler: Look, this isn’t funny! You get back here right now! Joanna: I can’t!! Chandler: Why not?! Joanna: I’m in my boss’s car! Chandler: What?! Joanna: Uh-oh, tunnel. Rachel: What?! Chandler: Rachel, could I see you for a moment? Chandler: Okay, here’s the situation. The keys to the cuffs are on the back of the door. Could you be a doll and grab them and scoot on over and unlock me? And on a totally different subject, that is a lovely pantsuit. Rachel: You promised you would break up with her! Chandler: I did break up with her! She just took it really, really well! Rachel: And the fact that you were jeopardising my career never entered your mind?! Chandler: It did enter my mind! But then something happened that made it, shoot right out. Rachel: Y'know what Chandler, you got yourself into those cuffs, you get yourself out of them. Chandler: No-no-no-no-no-no-no!! I can’t get myself right out of them! You must have me confused with the Amazing Chandler!! Come on, you have to unlock me, she could be gone for hours, and I’m cold, and Rachel: Oh, Chandler!! All right, this is it! You never see Joanna again! Chandler: Never! Rachel: You never come into this office again! Chandler: Fine! Rachel: You give me back my Walkman! Chandler: I—never borrowed your Walkman. Rachel: Well, then I lost it. You buy me one! Chandler: You got it! Here we go! Come on! This is great! Rachel: Does it hurt? Chandler: No, I just always see guys doing this when they get handcuffs taken off them. Hello sweet pants! Rachel: Wait a minute! What are you gonna tell Joanna? Chandler: About what? Rachel: When she sees that you’re gone, she’s gonna know that I let you out, and that I was in here, and I’m gonna get fired! Chandler: I’ll make something up! I’m good at lying, I actually did borrow your Walkman! Rachel: No, there’s nothing to make up, she’s gonna know that I have a key to her office, I’ve got to get you locked up back the way you were! Chandler: Oh-ho-ho, I don’t think so! Chandler: Well, this is much better. The Salesman: So, here’s somebody interesting, Joey. What do you know about Van Gogh? Joey: He cut off his ear. The Salesman: And? Joey: I’m out. The Salesman: He painted that. Joey: Wow! That’s pretty nice. I thought he cut off his ear ‘cause he sucked. What else you got in there? The Salesman: Let’s see, ahhh… Where does the Pope live? Joey: In the woods. No wait-wait, that’s the joke answer. The Salesman: Actually its, Vatican City. Now ahh, what do you know about vulcanised rubber? Joey: Spock’s birth control. The Salesman: You need these books. Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hi. Phoebe: This used to be your room? Wow! You must’ve been in really good shape as a kid. Monica: Ohh, I’m such an idiot. I can’t believe I actually thought she could change. Phoebe: Well, who cares what your Mom thinks? So you pulled a Monica. Monica: Oh good, I’m glad that’s catching on. Phoebe: No but, why does that have to be a bad thing. Just change what it means. Y'know? Go down there and prove your Mother wrong. Finish the job you were hired to do, and we’ll call that pulling a Monica. Monica: What? Phoebe: Okay, umm, if a kid gets straight A’s, his parents would say, "Yeah, he pulled a Monica." Y'know? Or a fireman saves a baby, and they go, "Yeah I know, he pulled a Monica." Or someone hits a homerun and the announcer says, "Yeah, that one’s outta here." Though some things don’t change. Monica: All right, I’ll go down there. But, I’m not gonna serve the lasagna. I’m gonna serve something I make. Phoebe: Wow! My breasts are really strong. Rachel: Chandler! Chandler, please, I have to get you locked up back the way you were, I am sooo gonna lose my job, she’s very private about her office. Now I know why. Chandler: Hey, look, you’re in trouble either way! Okay? If she comes back and sees me locked to this instead of the chair, she’s gonna know you were in here. So you might as well just let me go. Rachel: What if I clean your bathroom for a month? Chandler: It still wouldn’t be clean. All I want is my freedom. Rachel: Foot rubs for a month! Chandler: Freedom! Rachel: I’ll take all of your photos and put them into photo albums! Chandler: Freedom! I want my freedom! Why won’t you here me?! Rachel: Sophie sit!! Rachel: No! God, would you just calm down! Chandler: I’m gonna say this for the last time. Would you please just… Joey: Wow! There’s a lot I didn’t know about vomit. The Salesman: So, what do you say, Joey? You get the whole set of encyclopedias for twelve hundred dollars, which works out to just 50 bucks a book! Joey: Twelve hundred dollars? You think I have $1200? I’m home in the middle of the day, and I got patio furniture in my living room. I guess there’s a few things you don’t get from book learnin’. The Salesman: Well ah, what can you swing? Joey: How about zero down and zero a month for a long, long time? The Salesman: You don’t have, anything? Joey: You wanna see what I got? Okay? I’ve got a baby Tootsie Roll, a movie stub, keys, a Kleenex, a rock, and an army man. Hey! The Salesman: Okay, I-I get the picture. Uh, thanks, for your time. Joey: And a 50. Huh, these must be Chandler’s pants. The Salesman: For 50 bucks, you can get one book! What will it be? A? B? C? Joey: Oh, I-I think I’m gonna stick with the V, I wanna see how this bad boy turns out. Rachel: I ah, will buy and wrap all of your Christmas gifts. Chandler: No! Rachel: I ah… Oh! I’ll squeeze you fresh orange juice every morning! Chandler: With extra pulp? Rachel: Yeah!! Chandler: No! Rachel: D’oh!! I’ve got it! Chandler: You don’t have it. Rachel: I have so got it. There’s gonna be rumours about this, there’s no way to stop it. Sophie knows, Monica and Phoebe know. Chandler: How do Monica and Phoebe know? Rachel: Oh, I called them. And when they ask me what I saw, I can be very generous stingy. Chandler: Go on. Rachel: I can make you a legend. I can make you this generation’s Milton Berle. Chandler: And Milton Berle has a… Rachel: Ohh, not compared to you. Monica: Well? Phoebe: They’re not even touching the lasagna! Monica: Really?! Phoebe: Oh, they love your casserole. Monica: Yes!! Phoebe: It’s hard to believe that just a little while ago this was nothing but ingredients. Mrs. Geller: Well, everyone seems to be enjoying your dish. Monica: And you? Mrs. Geller: I thought it was… quite tasty. Monica: So if everyone liked it, and you liked it, that would make this a success. Which would make you… Mrs. Geller: A bitch? Monica: Well, I was going for wrong, but we can use your word. Mrs. Geller: Yes, well I was wrong, and I have to say you really impressed me today. Monica: Wow! Phoebe: Umm, you might even say that she pulled a Monica. Mrs. Geller: And the next time you cater for me, there will be nothing but ice in the freezer. Monica: That really means a lot. Oh, and Mom, don’t bite your nails. Chandler: Hello. Joey, Rachel, and Ross: Hey! Monica: Chandler: Joey: Wh-what’s going on? Phoebe: Oh. (She motions for them to come closer, they lean in and she whispers what Rachel told her. The guys both lean back laughing.] Joey: No he doesn’t! Chandler: Two hours, that lasted! Rachel: So did you break up with Joanna? Chandler: I think so. Joey: Well, it’s good thing you got out when you did, before she blew up like that Vesuvius. Ross: The volcano? Joey: Yeah. And speaking of volcanoes, man are they a violent igneous rock formation. Rachel: What?! Joey: Oh yeah, lava spewing, hot ash, of course some are dormant. Monica: Why are you talking about volcanoes all of the sudden? Joey: Well, we can talk about something else. What do you want to talk about? Vivisection? The Vasdeferens? The Vietnam War? Monica: Oh! Did anybody see that-that documentary on the Korean War? All: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Phoebe: Oh God, Korea is such a beautiful country. Ross: With such a sad history. Chandler: Could there be more Kims? Closing Credits Joanna: Who’s out there? Rachel: It’s me! Good morning! Joanna: Rachel, could you come in here for a moment, please? Rachel: Yeah, sure. Umm, they didn’t have poppy seed bagels, so I… Oh my word! Joanna: I seem to have had a slight office mishap. Could you please get the key off the back of the door for me. Rachel: Oh, yeah! Yeah! Joanna: You tell your friend Chandler that we’re definately broken up this time. Rachel: Okay. End Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Phoebe: Hey! New wallet, huh? Chandler: Yeah, it was time. The old condom ring in the leather just doesn’t say ‘cool’ anymore. Monica: Rachel! Rachel: What? Monica: You just put an empty carton back in the fridge! Rachel: Oh yeah, I know, but the garbage was full. Monica: Have you ever taken out the trash? Rachel: Well, I thought you liked doing it. Monica: Third door on the left. Rachel: Right! Rachel: Oh! Hey, Mr. Treeger. Mr. Treeger:: Hey. Mr. Treeger:: What are you doing? Rachel: Ummm. Oh! I’m sorry. It’s a little old but… Mr. Treeger:: No! You’re clogging up the chute that I spent a half-hour unclogging! Rachel: I’m sorry. I didn’t—I don’t come in here a lot. Mr. Treeger:: Oh yeah, of course you don’t! Rachel: No. Mr. Treeger:: ‘Cause you’re a little princess! "Daddy, buy me a pizza. Daddy, buy me a candy factory. Daddy, make the cast of Cats sing Happy Birthday to me…" Rachel: I didn’t… I never said that. Mr. Treeger:: You think you could make a mess and the big man in coveralls will come in here and clean it up, huh? Well, why don’t think of someone else for a change? Rachel: Monica: God! If you’re gonna cry about it! (She grabs the box and goes to through it out.] Opening Credits Joey: Whoa-whoa, Treeger made you cry? Rachel: Yes! And he said really mean things that were only partly true. Joey: I’m gonna go down there and teach that guy a lesson. Monica: Joey, please don’t do that. I think it’s best that we just forget about it. Rachel: That’s easy for you to say, you weren’t almost just killed. Joey: All right that’s it, school is in session! Monica: My God! Is this a gym card? Chandler: Oh yeah, gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I’ve missed the last 1200 times. Ross: So why don’t you quit? Chandler: You don’t think I’ve tried? You think I like having 50 dollars taken out of my bank account every month? No, they make you go all the way down there! Then they use all of these phrases and peppiness to try and confuse you! Then they bring out Maria. Ross: Who is Maria? Chandler: Oh Maria. You can’t say no to her, she’s like this lycra spandex covered gym…treat. Ross: You need me to go down there with you and hold your hand? Chandler: No! Ross: So you’re strong enough to face her on your own? Chandler: Oh no, you’ll have to come. Mr. Treeger:: Tribbiani! Hold on, I’ll get the plunger. Joey: Hey! You hold on pal! Now you made my friend, Rachel, cry. So now, you’re gonna go up there and apologize to her, unless you want me to call the landlord. Mr. Treeger:: And tell him what? Joey: Have you heard about a little something called, Not Making Girls Cry. Mr. Treeger:: Yeah. Well maybe you have heard about the Rent Stabilization Act of 1968! Joey: I have actually not heard of that. Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, well your friends are in violation of it. I’ve been a nice guy up until now, but uh, I don’t need this grief. I’m gonna call the landlord and tell him that Monica is illegally subletting here grandmother’s apartment. Your friends are outta here pal. Joey: Why don’t you tell me something I don’t know! Phoebe: Oh please, somebody tell me I don’t have to go to work today! Monica: What’s the matter? Phoebe: Oh, my first massage today is this incredibly gorgeous guy, and every time I see him I just want to do things to him that I’m not allowed to charge for. Monica: So do them for free. Phoebe: Oh no, it is forbidden! No-no, Mrs. Potter fires people for fooling around with clients. And it’s against my oath as a masseuse. Ross: They make you take an oath? Phoebe: No, I made myself take an oath. Yeah, no fooling around with clients and umm, always be prepared. Yeah, that one’s actually from the Boy Scouts, but it just makes good sense. Chandler: Why don’t you just give him to somebody else? Phoebe: No, I can handle it. No, I’m a professional. Rachel: Oh Pheebs, is that a new ankle bracelet? Monica: Wow! And you got a petticure. Your feet are all dressed up. Chandler: Because that’s the only part of you he can see when he’s on the table! Monica: You’re gonna do some feet flirtin’! Phoebe: I don’t what your talking about. Ross: Then how do you explain the toe ring?! Phoebe: Because it’s Arabian princess day at work! Okay?! Leave me alone! Rachel: Oh! My hero! What happened? Joey: Well uh, I went down there and told him that no one treats my friends like that and that he’d better come up here and apologize. I’ll see you later. Monica: What a minute, what did he say? Joey: He said that he wasn’t gonna apologize because you guys are living here illegally, so instead what he’s gonna do is have you evicted—I’ll see you later. Rachel: What?! You got us evicted!! Monica: I told you not to go down there! Joey: Well he made Rachel cry! Monica: Rachel always cries! Rachel: That’s not true! Monica: Now Joey, you go down there and you suck up to him. I mean you suck like you’ve never sucked before! Joey: All right! I’ll try! But if I can’t, you can stay with Chandler and I until you get settled. Rachel: Go!! Joey: All right, all right, all right. Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa, hey! Now remember what we talked about, you gotta be strong. Chandler: Yes. Yes! Ross: One more time, "Hey, don’t you want a washboard stomach and rock hard pecs?" Chandler: No! I want a flabby gut and saggy man breasts! Ross: Good! That’s good! Chandler: Okay. I wanna quit the gym. Gym Employee: You wanna quit? Chandler: I wanna quit the gym. Gym Employee: You do realize that you won’t have access to our new full service Swedish spa. Chandler: I wanna quit the gym. Gym Employee: Okay, Dave in the membership office, handles quitters. are you a member? Ross: Me? No. Gym Employee: Sorry, members only. Chandler: I wanna quit the gym. Ross: It’s okay man, be strong. Gym Employee: So, are you a member of any gym. Ross: No! And I’m not gonna be, so you can save you little speech. Gym Employee: Okay, no problem. Could you come here for a second? Woman: Hi, I’m Maria. Rick: Wow, you have really pretty feet. Phoebe: These old things. Rick: Would you mind spending some time on my siadic area, it’s been killing me today. Phoebe: You mean the—Okay by siadic, you mean the towel covered portion. Rick: Yeah. Phoebe: Sure, yeah, no I can do that, yeah, because umm, y'know, the muscles in the siadic area can get y’know, real nice and tight. So umm, tell me Rick, how umm, how did you injure the area. Rick: Oh, a 16-hour sit-in for Greenpeace. Phoebe: Oh. Rick: Ow! Did you just bite me? Phoebe: No! Mr. Treeger:: What? Joey: Please don’t kick Monica and Rachel out, this wasn’t there fault, it was mine. Mr. Treeger:: You want me to kick you guys out instead? Joey: No you can’t do that, where would the chick and the duck live? Mr. Treeger:: You have pets! Joey: Noo-no-no, no, those are nicknames. I’m the chick and Chandler is the duck. Mr. Treeger:: Huh, I would’ve thought it was the other way around. Joey: Come on man, just-just let the girls stay, I’ll do whatever you want. Mr. Treeger:: Really? You’ll do anything? Joey: Yeah-yeah, absolutely. Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, I’ve got something you can do. Joey: What, what is it? Mr. Treeger:: Can you be my dancing partner? Joey: That’s not, prison lingo, is it? Commercial Break Monica: His dancing partner?! Joey: Yeah, there’s this superintendent’s dance, the Super Ball. I don’t know, and he wants to impress Marge, this lady super that he’s a crush on. Rachel: Well, why doesn’t he practice with a girl? Joey: Well, he’s too shy, he doesn’t thing he’s good enough to dance with girls yet. Rachel: Yeah, right, he almost danced me right down that…garbage chute. Monica: Oh, would you let it go already?! You’re fine! Chandler: Hey. Rachel: Hey! So, did you quit? Chandler: No, I almost did, couldn’t leave Ross there without a spotter! Monica: Wait, now so you joined the gym? Ross: And that’s funny, why? Rachel: Oh, umm, I was just y’know working out and umm… Oh, that’s it. Chandler: We’re doomed. Okay, they’re gonna take 50 bucks out of our accounts for the rest of our lives. What are we gonna do? Monica: Well, you could actually go to the gym. Ross: Or! Or, we could go to the bank, close our accounts and cut them off at the source. Chandler: You’re a genius! Joey: Aww, man, now we won’t be bank buddies! Chandler: Now, there’s two reasons. Phoebe: Hey. All: Hey! Phoebe: Ohh, you guys, remember that cute client I told you about? I bit him. Rachel: Where?! Phoebe: On the touchy. Ross: And that’s not against your oath?! Phoebe: No, I know! I-I’m sorry, but the moment I touch him, I just wanna throw out my old oath and take a new, dirty one. Monica: Well, next time your massaging him, you should try and distract yourself. Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Like-like when I’m doing something exciting and I don’t wanna get too excited, I just ahh, y’know try to thing of other things like ah sandwiches, and ah baseball, and ah Chandler! Chandler: Thank you, Joey. Joey: No-no, thank you. Joey: All right, I’m here, let’s ahh, get this over with. Mr. Treeger:: Okay ahh, well, just ahh, follow my lead. Joey: Whoa-whoa, don’t we need to do some kinda preparation first? Like ahh, get really drunk? Mr. Treeger:: Look come on, eh, just ah, just ah, put your arms around me, eh. Mr. Treeger:: Ahhhh! I’m sorry! Joey: No, it’s okay, but if I’m Marge, my breasts are coming out my back. Mr. Treeger:: Ahh, forget it! I’ll never be any good at this, my mom was right, I’m just a big potato with arms, and legs, and a head. Joey: Come on man, you’re not a potato. Mr. Treeger:: I’m sure as hell a dancer, it’s no use Marge will never go for me. Joey: Come on Treeger, don’t say that. You just ahh, you just need more practice. Here, come on, let’s ahh, let’s try it again. Come on. We-he!! Hey! Mr. Treeger:: Yeah! Monica: Hey-hey, how goes the dancing? Gay yet? Joey: Ah-ha-ha, you guys owe me big time. Rachel: What was that? Joey: What? Rachel: You just did a little dancy thing. Joey: No I didn’t. Monica: Yes you did! You did like a little hop. Rachel: You are soo enjoying this. Joey: No, I’m not! And it wasn’t a hop it was a pademarie. Monica: You know the words! You are so into this! Joey: All right, well maybe I’m enjoying it a little bit. I mean I’m getting pretty good at it. Rachel: Ooh, this is soo sweet, Joey our little twinkle-toes. Joey: Hey-hey, hold on, this isn’t some kind of like girly dance. All right, it’s like a sport, it’s manly! Monica: All right, then show me some manly moves. Joey: All right. Joey: I don’t know how to lead. Ross: Hello. Chandler: Hi. Ross: We’d like to close our accounts. Bank Officer: Close your accounts? Is there some kind of problem? Ross: No-no. Chandler: No, we’d just like to close them. Bank Officer: Okay, Ms. Lambert handles all our closures. Would you come over here please? Ms. Lambert: Hi, I’m Karen. Chandler: I wanna quit the bank! Phoebe: Okay, baseball. Rick, playing baseball. Okay, slides into second, maybe even his pants come down a little… Oh no—wait no, no! No! Okay, all right, sandwiches, sandwiches. Umm, okay, on a plate, maybe Rick’s pants come down a little. No! No! Okay, Chandler! Okay Chandler, ooh, that’s working. Phoebe: Okay, you’re all set. Rick: Oh wow! That was amazing, was that really just an hour?! Phoebe: Yeah! In… really long hour world. Rick: What? Phoebe: Ugh, okay, I have an enormous crush on you. But because you’re a client, I can’t ask you out, even though you give me y’know, the feeling. Rick: Wow! I had no idea! But you know, I could always find another masseuse. Phoebe: Really?! Rick: Yeah, really. Phoebe: What? Rick: Suddenly, I very aware that I’m naked. Phoebe: Mrs. Potter: Mr. Simon’s been waiting for— Oh my God! Mr. Simon: Why wasn’t I offered that? I’d definitely pay more for that. Mrs. Potter: Phoebe, we have rules here, this isn’t that kind of place. Phoebe: Oh yeah, oh and I know, but this isn’t what it looks like, ‘cause Rick is my ahh, husband. Mrs. Potter: Oh really? Well, then you’d better tell his other wife, ‘cause she called three times asking where he is. Phoebe: Yes, I will tell her. Monica: So you didn’t leave the bank? Ross: No! And somehow, we ended up with a joint checking account. Rachel: What are you ever gonna use that for?! Chandler: To pay for the gym. Chandler: Hey. Phoebe: Hey! So I had a great day, Rick and I really hit it off, and we started making out, and then my boss walked in and fired me for being a whore. Joey: What?! Rachel: You got fired?! Monica: Oh my Gosh! Phoebe: It’s so weird, I have never been fired from anything before! Rachel: Sweety... Phoebe: I just-I just started walking around not knowing what to do next, y’know? I-I started asking people on the street if they wanted massages. Then these policemen, thought I was a whore too. It’s been a really bad day, whore wise. Mr. Treeger:: Hey Duck, is Chick here? Chandler: Yeah… Bunny-rabbit. Joey: So you ah, ready for our last practice? Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, but y’know, I think the reason we’re not getting that spin right is because my apartment’s too small. Joey: Look, you wanna use our place? Mr. Treeger:: No, I ahh, had another idea. Joey: We did it!! Mr. Treeger:: I know, we did it!! Hey, that was incredible, huh?! Joey: I know, it was amazing! I mean, we totally nailed it, it was beautiful. Mr. Treeger:: Thank you, listen, thanks a lot Tribbiani, . Oh my God, look at the time, I gotta catch the bus to the ball. Joey: Oh well, okay, good luck. Mr. Treeger:: Yeah. Joey: Unless you wanna practice the Foxtrot again? Or-or the Tango? Mr. Treeger:: Ahh, thanks but no. You see I-I think I’m ready to dance with girls. Joey: Okay. Mr. Treeger:: Yeah. Joey: Go get ‘em Treeger. Mr. Treeger:: Right. Hey, ahh, you wanna come? Marge has a girlfriend. Joey: Really? Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, you could dance real good with her, she’s the same size as me. Joey: No, I’m good. Closing Credits Interviewer: So it looks like you’ve got some great experience here. Let’s see ahh, reason for leaving last job? Phoebe: Yeah, they thought I was a whore. Interviewer: Okay, we’ll give a call if anything comes up. Phoebe: Great! Thank you very much. End Written by: Michael Curtis & Gregory S. Malins Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Ross: Phoebe: Thank you. Opening Credits Gunther: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah? Gunther: When's your birthday? Rachel: May fifth, why? Gunther: Oh, I-I'm just making a list of people's birthdays. Ross: Oh, mine's December... Gunther: Yeah, whatever. Chandler: Ohh, she's pretty. Pretty ahh, pretty girl, the pretty--she's pretty. Monica: Just go up to her and ask her out. Oh, what's the worst thing that could happen? Chandler: I could die. Ross: Yeah, it's-it's tough being single. That's why I'm so glad I found Amanda. Rachel: Ross, you guys went out once. You took your kids to Chucky Cheese, and you didn't even kiss her. Chandler: I tell people secrets. It makes them like me. Phoebe: Oh. Chandler: Hey! Monica: Phoebe! You're sick, you shouldn't play. You should just go home, get in bed, and stay there. Phoebe: Chandler: All right, I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna get shot down. Any advice? Monica: Just be yourself. But, not too much. Chandler: Wish me luck. Ross: Good luck! Chandler: Wish it! Hi. Hi, I-I was just sitting over there, and uhh, Chandler. My name is Chandler. Did I say that? Kathy: No, you didn't. Hi, I'm Kathy. Chandler: Uh Kathy, with K or a C? Kathy: With a K. Chandler: Oh-oh-hey! Kathy: Wow! You are really good at this. Chandler: Hey, come on, give me a break, I'm out on a limb here. Kathy: I'm sorry, you're right, I apologize, but I should tell you that I'm waiting for a date. Oh, and there he is now. Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Hey, hey-hey, hey. Joey: Hey, I see you guys already met, huh? Chandler: Yes-yes, I was just trying to figure out a way to uh, demonstrate how I could get my exceptionally large feet into my even bigger mouth. Joey: Didn't I tell ya? Always showin' off. Phoebe: Before I start, I just wanna say that umm, I have a cold, so if I sneeze in the middle of song, it's not on purpose. Oh, except the last verse of Pepper People. Hey Gunther, be a good little boy and bring me a whiskey. Chandler: Hi! Kathy: Hi. Chandler: Jeez, at 2:30 in the morning, I didn't expect to have to fight over the remote. Kathy: I'm sorry, it's just this Ernie Cofax thing on in a few minutes I wanted to watch. Chandler: Oh my God! That's why I got up too! Kathy: You're kidding! Oh, I love him. Chandler: Hey, listen, I'm sorry about this afternoon, y'know, if I would've known you guys were... I never would've... Kathy: Oh please! Chandler: So ah, Joey tells me you two met in acting class. Kathy: Yeah, they teamed us up as partners. Joey picked three scenes for us to do; all of them had us making out. Chandler: That's a good thing actually, because ah, he used to have me rehearse with him. Kathy: Oh-oh-oh-oh! Chandler: Is it on? Kathy: No, but this wonder broom is amazing! Chandler: Hey! Kathy: Oh my God! Chandler: Oh! It's on! It's on! Chandler: There we go little fella. Kathy: What about the duck? Chandler: Well the duck can swim. Kathy: Oh, jeez. Phoebe: My sticky shoes, my sticky-sticky shoes, why do you stick on me, ba-a-by! Thanks for the lights honey. All: Way to go, Phoebe! Monica: That cold makes you sound so great. Phoebe: It's fun, God I love how sexy I am. Joey: Oh, Kath, we should get going. We're going to by hamsters. All: Ooh, that's great, I love those little guys. Kathy: No, no, it's not like that. I, I work for a medical researcher. Rachel: Well, have fun! Kathy: Okay. Phoebe: Well, I think it's great that the medical community is finally trying to help sick hamsters. Monica: Y'know what, I like Kathy. Chandler: Oh yeah, me too, she's so cool and pretty. Rachel: Yeah, she's... Chandler: She's smart and funny, y'know? We were up all last night talking, she said the funniest thing about--what? Rachel: You love her. Chandler: No, I don't. Phoebe: Yes, you do. Chandler loves Kathy. Ross: Come on, Pheebs lay off him. Chandler: Thank you, Ross. Ross: Yeah, he's a little sensitive right now, `cause he's so in love. Chandler: All right. All: Ohh! Chandler: All right. Monica: Phoebe: So, I need to write some depressing stuff to go along with my new floozy voice, but nothing that sad has ever really happened to me. Monica: Oh umm, how about your mom dying, or having to live on the streets when you were 14? Phoebe: Uh-huh. Oh, yeah, I could write about the time my hair did that "Woo-hoo" thing. Ross: Hey! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hey. Ross: So I'm going over to Amanda's tonight! Monica: Rachel's not here. Ross: Oh. Monica: How's it going with her? Ross: Great, actually. I'm thinking tonight, maybe the night. Yeah, I mean ah, the kids are gonna play together and then when they're asleep, I'm thinking Amanda and I break open a bottle of wine, and do a little "playing" ourselves. Rachel: Hi guys! This is Josh. Josh, these are my friends, and that's Ross. Monica: Hi, Josh. Phoebe: Hi. Josh: Dudes. Monica: So, did you play in college? Josh: Oh, I still do. Next year, I hope to make varsity though. Rachel: Ross, didn't you ah, play soccer in High School? Oh no wait, that's right. You just organized their game schedules on your Commodore 64. Josh: Well, it's getting late, I've got to get to the game, so I'm gonna... head. Rachel: Okay. I'll miss you. Josh: Dope! Phoebe: Wow, cute one! Monica: Very! Rachel: I know, isn't he great? It's so nice to finally be in a fun relationship, y'know? There's nothing boring about him, and ah, I bet he's never set foot in a museum. Ross: Well maybe he'll get to go soon, like on a class trip or something. Rachel: Y'know what else is really great about him, oh, what is the word for the adult that doesn't have dinosaur toys in their bedroom? Ross: Oh! Rachel: What was that? Ross: Monica knows. Monica: It's this dumb thing that Ross made up `cause he was trying to fool our parents. It's a way of giving the finger, without actually having to give it. I remember I cried the night you made it up, `cause it was the first time that I realized that I was actually cooler than my older brother. Ross: Well, I'm gonna go get ready, for my date tonight, so ah, I'll just_ head. Phoebe: Yeah, I should go to, `cause I'm playing in one hour. Hey, My sticky shoes--eww! Eww! I lost my sexy phlegm! Amanda: Hi! Ross: Hi! Amanda: Hi Ben! Ross: Wow! You-you look great! Amanda: Thanks! Ross: Hey Tommy. Amanda: I am so glad that you could come over tonight. Ross: Oh no-no-no, it's my pleasure. Amanda: Okay, well, my cell phone number is right here on the counter, please help yourself to anything in the fridge. Ross: What? Amanda: I appreciate this soo much, I've been trying to go out with this guy for like a month. Ross: I-I-I... Amanda: Ross: Who wants to make some long distance calls? Chandler: Kathy! Kathy! Hi!! Kathy! Kathy! Kathy. Kathy: Hey, Chandler! What are you doing here? Chandler: Oh, I just wanted to say, "Hey!" Kathy: Hey! Chandler: Okay. Commercial Break Monica: Oh come on! You're making it sound worse than it actually was. Ross: Her date tipped me ten dollars. Ross: Pheebs, what are you doing? Phoebe: Okay, I wanna be sexy again so I'm trying to catch a cold. It should be easy, supposedly they're pretty common. Monica: Phoebe, you'll catch pneumonia. Chandler: Okay. You were right. I'm in love with Joey's girlfriend. Phoebe: What?! Ross: Are you serious? Phoebe: Well, how-how-how is that possible? You barely know her! Chandler: I don't know. I can't--I just, I can't get her out of my head. Y'know? I mean, I'm a very bad person. I'm a very, very bad person. I'm a horrible person. No you're not Chandler! We still love you Chandler! Monica: Oh gosh, Phoebe, I think I caught your cold. Phoebe: You mean you stole it! Don't cover your mouth when you do that! Joey: Hey. Kathy: We were just talking about you. Chandler: Really?! Joey: Yeah-yeah, I told her about the time you got drunk and fell asleep with your head in the toilet. Chandler: Right in there! Chandler: 99...100! Ready or not, here I come! All right, let's go over the concept one more time. Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey guys. Listen uh, you wanna get some dinner with me and Kathy tonight? Chandler: Ohh, umm, y'know what, I already ate. Joey: It's 4:30. Chandler: Y'know I had a big meal on Monday, y'know. So that's just gonna get me straight through the week. Joey: Okay, I see what's going on here. Chandler: You-you do? Joey: Yeah! You don't like Kathy. Chandler: You got me. Joey: Yeah, you've been avoiding her ever since we started going out. Look, I made an effort to like Janice, now I think it's your turn to make an effort to like Kathy by going out to dinner with us. Right? Chandler: Yeah. Right. Joey: Good, and hey! My treat. But that's only because you're not eating anything, right? Chandler: Okay. Monica: Ross isn't here. Rachel: Oh. Stop it! Josh: So I'll see you at the party? Beer's beer man, 24, 7!! Rachel: Yeah! Ohhh! Monica: What? Rachel: I think he's stealing from me. Monica: Why? Rachel: Because he's stealing from me! Phoebe: Hey, I just saw Josh, he looks so yummy in your leather jacket. Rachel: Ughh! Phoebe: Here, now I don't eat chicken, so it's just noodle soup. And there's no chicken in the broth either, so it's really just... noodle water. Monica: Thank you so much Phoebe. Phoebe: Sure. Monica: What are you doing with those?! Phoebe: But, I need your germs! I want my cold back! I miss my sexy voice. Monica: Sorry, Phoebe. Phoebe: It's okay. How's the soup? Monica: Umm. Monica: Ohhhh!! Gross!! Kathy: Ohh, God, guys, check it out, you can see that girl's underwear! Joey: Is she great or what? Kathy: So? Huh? What do you think? Chandler: Ohh, she's-she's not really my type. Kathy: Not your type?! She's gorgeous! Chandler: Y'know what I think it is? It's the fishnet stockings. Y'know? Whenever I see a girl in fishnet stockings it reminds me of my father in fishnet stockings. Kathy: Okay. Understanding a little more why you're single. Ohh! Y'know, I have a friend you would like, she's really pretty. And then we could double date! Chandler: Uhh, no-no thanks. Kathy: Okay, I've got some ugly friends, and they're all available too. Chandler: Listen, I-I'm gonna grab a beer. Joey: What was that? Chandler: What? Joey: Kathy was being really nice and you just walked away. I thought we had a deal. Chandler: Hey, look, what do you want from me? Joey: I want you to like her! But if that's too damned difficult for you, then the least you can do is pretend. Chandler: I am pretending. Joey: Well then, do it better! Chandler: Okay, what do you saw I go over there and say how much I like her? No-no it'll be good, I can tell her much I've been thinking about her. That I haven't stopped thinking about her since the moment I met her. That I'm so fantastically, over-the-top, wanna-slit-my-own-throat in love with her, that for every minute of every hour of every day I can't believe my own damn bad luck that you met her first!! Joey: Well, that's pretty good. But you might wanna tone it down a little. Ross: So uhh, I guess you're not going to mom and dad's tonight? Monica: No, sorry. Rachel: Well where's Amanda? Monica: Hey Rach, could you get me some cough drops? Rachel: I mean y'know, I'm thinking. You could bring her, and you guys could go up to your old room, and not make out. Monica: Ross, cough drops, please? Ross: At least I know she's not going out with me to get into R rated movies. Rachel: Why don't you just marry her? Oh no, wait a minute you can't, I'm sorry I forgot, she's not a lesbian. Ross: You see Amanda and I have a very special... Monica: You have nothing! You're not even going out! You're her baby sitter! You have a 12-year-old girl's job! Rachel: Ohh, that is soo sad. Monica: And what are you laughing at, Miss `My-keg-sucking-boyfriend-is-stealing-from-me!' Rachel: Hey, so he stole a couple bucks from me! At least he bought me something with it! Monica: That's mine!! Now, would you both please start acting like adults? And get me my cough drops! Ross: Fine. Rachel: Sorry. Ross: Here. At least I made ten bucks in my relationship. Rachel: Y'know... Phoebe: Does it even work without my sexy voice? Gunther: I like it. Phoebe: Gunther, kiss me. Gunther: What? Joey: Now, we're not actually gonna be sleeping in her, but do you mind? Chandler: Can I sleep on your couch? Closing Credits Phoebe: And I'm still waiting for my paper mache man. Thank you my babies. Gunther: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah. Gunther: I don't know if you heard about what happened between me and Phoebe the other day_ Rachel: No! Gunther: Well, we kissed. I-I-I didn't initiate the kiss, but-but I also didn't stop it, and I've been feeling guilty. Rachel: Okay. Gunther: So umm, are we cool? Rachel: Okay. Gunther: I knew you'd understand. End Written by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan Transcribed by: Darcy & Julie Partridge Cheryl: So, thank you for the delicious dinner. Ross: You're welcome for a delicious dinner. Phoebe: Hey what are you guys looking at? Chandler: Ross and the most beautiful girl in the world. Phoebe: Yeah, come to papa. Ross: I know! Monica: Probably the only time I'll ever say this, but did you see the ass on her? Chandler: Where did you, when did you, how did you... How did you get a girl like that? Rachel: Yeah, so what is she, like a... like a spokesmodel, or an aerobics instructor, what? Ross: Actually she's a paleontology doctoral candidate, specializing in the centazoic era. Chandler: Okay, but that's, like, the easiest era. Ross: I've seen her at work, but I always figured, ah-huh? But, uh, I made her dinner. We had a great time. And we're going out again tomorrow. Rachel: Well maybe she and her friends are just having a contest to see who can bring home the biggest geek. Ross: Fine by me; hope she wins. Opening Credits Chandler: Hi. You guys have any wrapping paper? Phoebe: Oo! Is it for my birthday present? Chandler: Phebes, it was your birthday, like, months ago. Phoebe: Yeah, but remember you said you ordered something special, and it just hasn't come yet? Chandler: Well, I have a call in about that. Phoebe: 'Kay. Chandler: Actually, this is for Kathy's birthday. It's an early edition of her favorite book. Rachel: Oh, The Velveteen Rabbit! Oh my God, when the boy's love makes the rabbit real! Chandler: Okay, but don't touch it, because you fingers have destructive oils. Rachel: Huh. Well, then you'd better keep it away from Ross's hair. So this is pretty rare. How did you get that? Chandler: Oh, it wasn't a big deal. I just went to a couple of bookstores, talked to a couple of dealers... called a couple of the author's grandchildren. Rachel: Oh, honey, that's so sweet. Phoebe: Yeah, and what a great way to say, "I secretly love you, roommate's girlfriend!" Chandler: It doesn't say that. Does it? Ross: How do you think it's gonna look when you get her something incredibly meaningful and expensive and her boyfriend Joey gives her an orange? Chandler: Okay, all right, I'll just uh, make sure that uh, Joey gets her something really great. Phoebe: It's gotta be better than that book. Oo! Like a crossbow! Monica: I just had to turn down a job catering a funeral for sixty people. Rachel: Oh my God! What happened? Monica: Sixty guests. Ross: So, uh, why did you have to turn it down? Monica: Because I don't have the money or the equipment to handle something that big on such short notice. I mean there's no way. Phoebe: Wow, what is with all the negativity? You sound like Monican't , not Monican... ...Monica. Look, you know, you have been playing around with this catering thing for over three years. Do you want to be a caterer or not? Monica: I don't know. Phoebe: There you go, that's the spirit! Okay! Now, if you need money, I will lend you money, but just get moving! Monica: Really? Cause I'd need like $500 for all the food and the supplies and stuff. Phoebe: Okay! It's worth it, if it will get you moving. You haven't worked in months. Monica: Well, you're not working either. Phoebe: Yes, but I'm doing this. Monica: Yeah, that'd be great! Thank you! Joey: Hey! Everyone: Hey. Kathy: Can I borrow the keys to your apartment? Joey: Why? Joey: You can pee here! Kathy: Ahahaha... haha.. yes I can, of course. Excuse me. Chandler: It's okay, the duck's using our bathroom anyway. Hey Joe! What are you getting Kathy for her birthday? Joey: We've only been going out for a couple of weeks, do you think I gotta get her something? Everyone: Yeah! Rachel: Yes, you have to get her something, and it should be something really nice. Joey: Oh, I know... Rachel: And not one of your coupons for an hour of "Joey Love." Phoebe: Ooo, a crossword! Can I help? Rachel: No! I'm sorry, honey, it's just that last week I got all but three answers and I really want to finish a whole one without any help. Phoebe: Fine. But you can't help me develop my new universal language. Monica: Hey! Rachel: Hey, how'd it go? Monica: Oh my God, it was the best funeral ever! I mean, everyone loved the food, and guess what? I even got another funeral for tomorrow—the dead-guy-from-today's best friend. I mean, it is like I am the official caterer for that accident! Phoebe: Mon! I'm so happy for you! Monica: Thanks. Like, check out my new catering stuff. Look at this! I'm an omelet station! Omelet? Made to order! Phoebe: I'll have one, please. Plus my money. Monica: Oh. Well, I didn't realize that you needed it back right away. I mean, you told me to go and be a caterer. So I went. I beed. I mean, I... I used it to buy all this stuff. But look—I've got another job tomorrow, so I'll pay you back with the money I make from that. Phoebe: Oh. Okay. Oo, sorry I acted like a bank. Monica: Okay. Ross: Huh... Cheryl: Um, would you like to come in? Ross: Did homo-erectus hunt with wooden tools? Cheryl: According to recent findings! Cheryl: Here Mitzi! Here Mitzi! Ross: Mitzi is..... Cheryl: My hamster. I hope she's okay, I haven't seen her in a while. Have a seat. Ross: ...do you have any, um, Cinnamon Fruit Toasties? Cheryl: What? Ross: Well, I do! Why don't we go back to my place, light a couple of candles, break open a box of Cinnamon Fruit Toasties, uh... Cheryl: I'd rather not. Ross: Oh, yeah, why not? Cheryl: Okay, um, don't take this the wrong way, but your place kinda has a weird smell. Monica: Oh, is everything in the car? Phoebe: Yes. Did you settle the bill? Monica: No. I hate this part. Phoebe: Oh, look what we almost left. Monica: No, that's not mine. Phoebe: Oh, all right. Oh! Look what we almost took! Monica: Excuse me, Mrs. Burkart? Well, we're all cleaned up in the kitchen. Mrs. Burkart: Oh, good. Thank you. Monica: Um, and, well there's the.. the the small matter of... Mrs. Burkart: Dear? Monica: Just the matter of ...payment? Mrs. Burkart: Rachel: You know what we should all do? Go see a musical. Chandler: Sure... Rachel: And you know which one we should see? The 1996 Tony award winner. Do you happen to know the name of that one? Chandler: I don't know... um, Grease? Rachel: No.... Chandler: Rent? Rachel: Yes! Rent! Chandler: Okay, so when do you want to go? Rachel: What? Oh, I'm sorry, I can't, I'm busy. Joey: Hey. Man, it is so hard to shop for girls. Chandler: Yes, it is, at Office Max. Rachel: What did you get her? Chandler: A pen. Joey: It's two gifts in one. It's a pen that's also a clock! Huh? Chandler: Huh-huh! You can't give her that. Joey: Why not? Chandler: Because she's not eleven! And it's not the seventh night of Hanukkah! Rachel: Okay, honey, what he means by that, is ...while this is a very nice gift, maybe it's just not something a boyfriend gives? Joey: Sure it is! She needs a pen for work, she's writing, she turns it over.... "Whoa! It's time for my date with Joey!" Chandler: All right, look, look. What did... what did you get for Angela Delveccio for her birthday? Joey: She didn't have a birthday while we were going out. Chandler: For three years? Joey: Look, it's too late, and I got an audition. I can't shop anymore! I... Chandler: All right. I will go out and I will try to find something for her, okay? Joey: Thanks, man. And oh, while you're at it, could you get her a card? Chandler: Would you like me to write her a little poem as well? Joey: Or... just get a card that has a poem already in it. Phoebe: But Mon, you have to get our money! Monica: Oh, Phoebe, she couldn't stop crying! With those thick glasses, her tears looked giant. Phoebe: I know, it's tough. You know what the first thing I did after my mother's funeral was? Monica: What? Phoebe: Pay the caterer! Look, I've had a lot of jobs, okay, and there are some people who just always try to get out of paying. It's either, you know, "that massage wasn't long enough, or, "I don't recognize any of those songs," or, you know, "these sombreros aren't big enough. Bad little white girl!" Monica: Okay. So what do you.... you think she's faking? Phoebe: Well, it seems like there weren't any tears 'til you showed her the bill. Monica: Phoebe, she sounded pretty upset to me. Mrs. Burkart: You're a grand ol' flag, you're a high-flying flag, and forever in peace may you wave.... Phoebe: She seems fine now. Mrs. Burkart: ...emblem of the land I love. The home of.... Joey: So, you just left? Her place was really that bad? Ross: You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day? Joey: Yeah. Ross: Well, like that, only instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived! Here. Joey: Wow. Thanks. So, uh, what happened? Ross: What do you mean? Nothing happened! I had to get out of there. Joey: All right, so... next time, you take her to your place. Ross: No, I tried that. She says it has a weird smell. Joey: What kind of smell? Ross: I don't know. Soap? Joey: All right, listen, Ross... you like this girl, right? Ross: Yeah. Joey: You wanna see her again, right? Ross: Yeah. Joey: So you're gonna have to do it in the mess! Ross: Yeah, okay you're right. Joey: Yeah. Ross: I mean, uh, who... who cares about a little sloppiness? Joey: Yeah! Ross: It's, uh... it's endearing, really. Joey: All right! Now you go get that beautiful pig! Oink! Chandler: Okay, all right. I just spent the entire afternoon looking for a present for Kathy that would be better than the rabbit. Rachel: Any luck? Chandler: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I found this great place called "Invisible things for Kathy." Can you give me a hand with all this stuff? Rachel: All right, look. Why don't you just return the book, let Joey give her the clock pen, and you give her something worse than that. Like... a regular pen. Chandler: She's really going to love this, you know? The bottom line is I want her to have it, even if I don't get to be the one who gives it to her. Rachel: Aw, honey, that's so sweet. Chandler: Yeah? You don't think it's just pathetic? Rachel: Oh! Pathetic! Joey: Hey! I'm meeting Kathy in ten minutes! I've been looking all over for you! Chandler: Where? Joey: Our place, the hall! I... Chandler: I got something for her. It's a book! Joey: Is it like a book that's also a safe? Chandler: No, it's a book that's just a book, okay? It's an early edition of the Velveteen Rabbit. It was her favorite book as a kid. So, uh, just... let me know if she likes it, okay? Joey: You got it. Thanks man. Thanks for doing this, I owe you one. Oh, hey! There wasn't any change from that twenty, was there? Chandler: No, it came out to an even twenty. Joey: Wow. That's almost as much as a new book. Mrs. Burkart: Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those peepers? Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those eyes? Phoebe: You didn't get the money, did you? Monica: Maybe I can try at intermission? Phoebe, come on... you know what? Let's just go! Phoebe: No! Hey, we're not leaving until we get paid! I don't know who she thinks she is! Enough is enough! Hey, widow? Mrs. Burkart: Come on along and listen to... Phoebe: Okay, Widow! Mrs. Burkart: ...the lullabye of... Phoebe: Excuse me. Excuse me! Thanks. Um, clearly this is a very, very hard time for you. Um, but, um, we provided a service, and we deserve to be paid because you ate that service, and, um, we are not leaving here until we're paid every penny. 'Cause you know what, lady? We're part time caterers, and we have no place else to go. Mrs. Burkart: All right. I'll get my bag. Phoebe: Good. Monica: I'm gonna leave some cards here. Please think of us for you next event. Cheryl: So you want to come inside? Ross: Cheryl: I'll be right back. Make yourself comfortable. Cheryl: Guess who? Ross: Department of Sanitation? Cheryl: It's me! Ross: Oh! Cheryl: What? Ross: Ah, Cheryl! Cheryl: Oh, Ross! Cheryl: Wait! No! No! It's my hamster! It's Mitzi! Ross: Oh my god! I'm so sorry, Cheryl. I must have freaked out. Cheryl: Oh, thank god, it's not Mitzi. It's just a rat. Rachel: I did it! Oh! I finished it! I did it all by myself! And there's nobody to hug! Gunther: Move! Rachel: Hey! Hey, you guys, I finished the crossword all by myself! Hug me! Phoebe: Uh... yay! Rachel: Thanks! Monica: Oh, that's great! Congratulations! Rachel: Thank you! Hey, how'd the catering go? Monica: Oh, it was great! The widow wouldn't pay, so Phoebe yelled at her 'til she did. Phoebe: Yeah. I'm a hard ass. Monica: And I'm a wuss. And we should be partners. Phoebe: Yeah. Hard Ass and Wuss. We could fight crime! Monica: Wait a minute, Phoebe! We should be partners. We should be catering partners. I mean, think about it! You're not working right now, and we have such a great time together! Phoebe: Okay! Monica: I can cook and you can take care of the money. Phoebe: Yeah. Oh! It'll be like I have a wife in the fifties! Both: Aah! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey, how'd it go? How'd she like the gift? Joey: Oh, man, she loved it! She's over there showing Monica and Rachel right now. Chandler: Oh yeah? That's great! Joey: Hey, listen, I gotta tell ya, I feel kinda bad taking credit for this, because man, am I gonna get a lot of credit for this! Chandler: Aahhuuhhh.... Kathy: Hey. Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Happy birthday. Kathy: Thank you! Joey: You know, uh... Chandler got you a gift, too. Chandler: No he didn't. Joey: Yeah, he did, look... look, it's right there on the counter! Ha-ho-ho! Chandler: Happy birthday! I'm sorry. Kathy: You really didn't have to. Wow. Chandler: See, you think it's just a pen, but then you turn it over and it's also a clock. Kathy: Yeah. No, this is great. Thank you, Chandler. . Chandler: Oh, yeah... yeah. Joey: Ah. Hm. Wanna go to bed? Kathy: I'll be in in a minute. Joey: Oh, uh... don't forget your coupon. . Chandler: Goodnight. Kathy: Um, thank you for the gift. Chandler: Oh, uh, yeah... I just knew that sometimes when you're writing, you... you don't always know the exact time. Kathy: No, I... I didn't mean the pen. Thank you for the book. Chandler: Uh, the book? Kathy: The Velveteen Rabbit. I kinda have the feeling you had something to do with it. Chandler: What do you mean? Kathy: Well, uh, when Joey gave it to me, he said, "This is 'cause I know ya like Rabbits, and I know ya like cheese." Thanks. I love it. And I know how hard it must have been for you to find. Chandler: Uhl..ell. By the way, in case you missed that, that sound was, "Uhl, ell." Kathy: You must really like... Joey... to go to all that trouble for him. Chandler: Oh, yeah, he's my... he's my best friend. Kathy: Well.... Chandler: Goodnight. Joey: Hey, that coupon expires, you know. Closing Credits Monica: Hi. Uh, you... you don't know me, I'm Monica Geller... Ross's sister. Cheryl: Oh, yeah. Oh, you know, that's too bad that didn't work out. Monica: Yeah. Anyway, he told me about your apartment. And, um, I couldn't sleep, thinking about it. So, uh, would it be okay if I cleaned it? Monica: No? End Written by: Adam Chase Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Chandler: I just walked in the bathroom and saw Kathy naked! It was like torture! Ross: Y'know if we ever go to war and you’re captured, you’re in for a big surprise. Chandler: It just keeps getting worse and worse! Y'know? I mean it’s bad enough that I’m in love with my roommates girlfriend—which by the way, I think she knows. Because every time we’re in the room together there’s this weird like energy between us. And call me crazy, but I think she likes me too. And now I have seen her naked. I mean at least when I’ve seen her with clothes on, I could imagine her body was like covered in boles or something. But there are no boles, she’s smooth! Smooth! Phoebe: Wow! Could everyone totally see up his robe? All: Yeah! Oh my God! Opening Credits Casey: Here you go. Joey: Great! All right, so I’ll call you later. Casey: Great! Chandler: Hey-Hey-Hey! Who was that? Joey: That would be Casey. We’re going out tonight. Chandler: Goin’ out, huh? Wow! Wow! So things didn’t work out with Kathy, huh? Bummer. Joey: No, things are fine with Kathy. I’m having a late dinner with her tonight, right after my early dinner with Casey. Chandler: What? Joey: Yeah-yeah. And the craziest thing is that I just ate a whole pizza by myself! Chandler: Wait! You’re going out with Kathy! Joey: Yeah. Why are you getting so upset? Chandler: Well, I’m upset—for you. I mean, having sex with an endless line of beautiful women must be very unfulfilling for you. Joey: What is the big deal? It’s not like we’re exclusive. Chandler: Look, Joey, Kathy is clearly not fulfilling your emotional needs. But Casey, I mean granted I only saw the back of her head, but I got this sense that she’s-she’s smart, and funny, and gets you. Joey: You got all that from the back of her head? Chandler: All right look, I think it’s time for you to settle down. Y'know? Make a choice, pick a lane. Joey: Who’s Elaine? Phoebe: "Little, tiny Tarzan, swinging on a nose hair. Swinging with the greatest of ease…" Darn it! Now, I don’t know who to get to the next verse. Ross: Oh, you could just go uh, "greatest of ease… BAH-bah-bha-bhannn." Then go right into it. Phoebe: Yeah, ooh, I like that! Yeah. Wait! How do you know about ‘bah-bah-bha-bhan?’ Ross: Well umm, y’know, I used to play. Phoebe: Oh yeah, that’s right, the keyboards, huh? Ross: Yeah, just a little in high school, but then I really got into it in college. I mean that’s-that’s when I really found my sound. Monica: Oh God! Orange juice just came out of my nose, but it was totally worth it. Oh my God, I completely forgot about your sound. Ross: Yeah. Monica: He used to lock himself in the basement for hours. No one was every allowed to hear, "The Sound." Phoebe: I wanna hear "The Sound." Ross: Really? No. I mean, nah, I haven’t played in so long, and-and, well it’s-it’s really personal stuff, y’know? Phoebe: Come on, play that funky music white boy. Monica: Yeah! Ross: No, you guys, I mean my keyboards are all the way up in—No, yeah, okay. Ross: Okay, guys. Chandler: All right! Bring it on, you… Ross: Here we go. Y’know, umm, you should-you should think of umm, my work as wordless sound poems. That’s what I’m… Chandler: Oh my God! Play! Monica: Boy, that was-that was, umm… terrific. Chandler: Really, bitchin’! Phoebe: Wow, it was so—wow! Ross: Really?! I mean, really?!! Rachel: Yeah, I mean, you should play in public! Ross: Wow! Thanks, you guys. That’s uh—ohhh, I wanna, I wanna play you another piece! Umm! Uh-oh! I left my uh, helicopter sounds on another disk. I’ll be right back! Okay? Monica: Oh God bless my dad sound proofing the basement! Rachel: Oh, I can’t believe I ever let him touch me with those fingers. Phoebe: What are you guys talking about, I loved it! It was soo moving. Oh, plus it’s just, it’s so different from the stuff you usually hear. Chandler: You mean like, music? Chandler: Yeah, I know what you’re thinkin’! Yes, yes, your breasts are just as firm and juicy. Chandler: Come in! Kathy: Oh God, is that Baywatch? Chandler: Uh yes, but uh, I just watch it for the articles. Kathy: So is Joey around? Chandler: No-no, he’s not back yet, but he’ll be here any minute. So uh, come on in. Have a seat. Bow or stern? Kathy: I uh, don’t really have a preference. You? Chandler: I like it in the stern. Hello. Joey: Hey, it’s me. Listen Casey and I were on our way back and had a little car trouble. Chandler: What happened? Joey: We broke down on the Parkway, so I have to walk back and get some transmission fluid. And hey, listen could you please tell Kathy that I’ll be there as soon as I can. Chandler: Why can’t you tell her? Joey: ‘Cause I only have one quarter, and I think my time is about to— Chandler: Joey! Joey!! Joey: Yeah? Chandler: I thought your time ran out. Joey: Me too, but I guess I do have a couple of more— Chandler: Uhh, that was Joey. He’s running a little late, he says he’s sorry. Kathy: Oh. Chandler: So I guess it’s just uh, you and me then. Kathy: Oh, okay. Chandler: Yeah, I think it is! Kathy: So what did you do today? Chandler: Oh, I had an appointment to get my haircut… Kathy: Oh, it looks great! Chandler: …and then it got canceled. Kathy: Well, I could cut it. Chandler: Really?! You do that? Kathy: Yeah, I do. Of course, I learned at my aunt’s dog grooming shop, but hey, what do you say? Chandler: Dog grooming huh? Okay, just don’t make my tail too poofy. Kathy: You have really great hair. Chandler: Well, thanks. I grow it myself. Y’know who also has great hair is Joey! Kathy: Yes! Yeah! Joey has great hair! Umm, I’m basically done here. Just let me get this off your neck. Chandler: What-what ‘cha doin’? Kathy: Checking to see if it’s even. Chandler: ‘Kay. Kathy: Looks good. Chandler: Hello! Joey: Hey dude, it’s me. Chandler: Hey it’s Joey! Joey: Listen uh, I’m really sorry, it looks like I’m gonna be stuck here for a while. I got the transmission fluid, but when I went to put it in the car, the transmission wasn’t there! Chandler: What? Joey: Yeah, it must’ve fallen out a few blocks back. I just figured we hit a dog. Chandler: Okay. Joey: Listen uh, could you put Kathy on, I wanna apologize. Chandler: Oh yeah man. Kathy: I should uh, probably go. Chandler: Yeah. Yes! Yeah. Kathy: I forgot my purse. Chandler: Oh. Kathy: No, I really did forget my purse. Commercial Break Chandler: No-no-no-no, this is bad! It’s bad! This is bad! Kathy: Horrible! Chandler: Wait the uh, the kiss or the situation? Kathy: No-no-no, the kiss was good. Chandler: Okay! Kathy: No, but that’s bad! Chandler: Ooh! Yes! Okay! Here’s what we do, we-we forget it happened. Kathy: What?! Chandler: Okay, we-we swallow our feelings. Even if it means we’re unhappy forever. Sound good? Kathy: Can you really do that? Chandler: I have to; he’s my best friend, and you’re seeing him. Kathy: Chandler, I like Joey a lot, but with you… Chandler: Oh-no-no-no! Don’t! Don’t! See-see, you’re getting me confused, I’m starting to urn. Kathy: I’m sorry. If you wanna pretend that nothing happened, I can try. Chandler: I-I think we have too. Kathy: Okay. Bye. Chandler: Bye. Are you still out there? Kathy: Ross: Emphatic time-time-time… Monica: Y'know, there’s a Starbucks about three blocks down. Phoebe: It’s so inspired! Look at him! Look at him go! Ross: Thank you guys-guys-guys… Monica: Hey, aren’t you up next? Phoebe: Oh no, I’m not playing tonight. Rachel: Why not? Phoebe: I can’t follow Ross! It’d be like those bicycle ridding chimps that followed The Beetles. No. Monica: Phoebe, Ross sucks! Rachel: Phoebe, the place has emptied because of him. Phoebe: Oh my God, he’s not even appreciated in his own time. I would give anything to not be appreciated in my own time! Monica: Okay. Umm, Phoebe, you suck too. Rachel: Yeah, Phoebe you’re… awful! Phoebe: You guys. You suck too. Joey: Aww man! I can’t believe I locked myself out again! Chandler: Hang on buddy! Joey: Oh my God! What happened here? Did you do all this? Chandler: I sure did. Joey: Why? Chandler: Well, I just thought it’d make me feel good to do something nice for my friend. Joey: Well, you’re amazing. Chandler: Oh no-no-no. This is amazing. Joey: A TV as if it appears from nowhere! That’s the dream! Man, how did you afford this stuff? Chandler: Well, y’know I’m 29. I mean who needs a savings account. Joey: Oh, you are the best friends anyone has ever had. Chandler: Oh, I don’t know. Joey: Oh-no-no-no, you are! You do this, you give me the great advice, and hey listen, I was thinking about what you said yesterday about focusing on one woman, I’m gonna do that. Chandler: You mean with Casey. Joey: No-no-no, I think I’m gonna see how things go with Kathy. She’s pretty cool. Chandler: Or Casey. Joey: No-no, Kathy. Chandler: Could be Casey. Joey: No. No, Kathy. Chandler: Consider Casey. Joey: Y’know what I think? I think somebody’s got a little crush on Casey. How ‘bout I fix you two up? What do you think? Chandler: That all the pieces of my life are falling right into place! Ross: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! You were really great! You were really, really great! Ross: Oh, thanks, thanks. So Monica tells me that uh, you don’t want to play anymore because me and y'know my talent. Is that true? Phoebe: Well, kinda. Yeah. Yeah. Ross: Pheebs… Phoebe: Yeah, I-I can’t—I mean y’know I was trying to be really y'know okay and upbeat about it, I just—I feel so dwarfed by your musical gift. I… Ross: See but, Pheebs that-that is the exact opposite intent of my music. Y’know my music is-is meant to inspire, and if it bothers you this much, then I… I won’t play anymore. Phoebe: Oh no. No-no-no, don’t do that! How could I live with myself if I knew I was depriving the world of your music. Ross: Yeah, okay. Ross: Hey Chandler! Saw the new furniture. Very nice. Monica: Yeah! Joey has the best boyfriend ever! Chandler: I kissed Kathy. Ross: What? Monica: Are you serious? Phoebe: Does Joey know? Chandler: No. Is there anyway, anyway you think he’ll understand this? Monica: You obviously haven’t screwed over a lot of your friends. Which we all appreciate. Ross: No the-the sad thing is, if you had told him how you felt before you kissed her, knowing Joey, he probably just would’ve just stepped aside. Chandler: Oh, don’t say that! Don’t say that. That’s not true. Is it? Phoebe: I think maybe, yeah. Monica: He loves you. Chandler: Then why didn’t you tell me to do that?!! Ross: Well, I said-I said something to Phoebe. Phoebe: Yeah! No, that’s right. And I thought it was a really good idea. Rachel: I know, I remember that! Monica: I remember you did. Chandler: God!! What am I gonna do?! Rachel: Well, Chandler, you’re gonna have to tell him. Chandler: Why?! Why do I have to tell him?! Rachel: Because you do. Chandler: Yeah, I know. Ross: Hey, would it be okay if I wrote a song about this. Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey! Samboucha Margarita? Chandler: Is that a real thing? Joey: Well, we only had samboucha, so it is now. Chandler: Listen ah, Joe, I-I need to, I need to talk to you about something. Joey: What’s up? Chandler: It’s-it’s about Kathy. Umm, uh, I like her. I like her a lot actually. Joey: You do? Chandler: Yeah. Joey: Well, you’re timing couldn’t be better. She’s not my girlfriend anymore. Chandler: What? Joey: Yeah, she broke up with me. Chandler: Oh uh, when? Joey: Just now, after acting class. At first I thought she was doing some kind of scene, that’s why I let people watch. Chandler: Oh man, I am so sorry. Are, are you okay? Joey: Well, I’ve been better. But, I’m all right. So you like her huh? Chandler: Yes, but I-I uh, don’t have too. Joey: No-no-no, no it’s uh, it’s okay. Chandler: Yeah? Joey: Yeah. You know why? ‘Cause you came to me first. Chandler: Well, I thought that would be the best thing to do. Joey: But hey, listen just so you know, you might have you’re work cut out for you. ‘Cause when I talked to her, I kinda got the feeling that she’s into some other guy. So… Chandler: See uh, that’s-that’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about. I-I think I know who the other guy is. Joey: Who? Chandler: It’s me. I’m the other guy. Joey: What? Chandler: Yeah, I mean when you were late last night, Kathy and I got to talking, and one thing to another and… Joey: And what?! Did you sleep with her?! Chandler: No! No! No! I just kissed her. Joey: What?!! That’s even worse!! Chandler: How is that worse?! Joey: I don’t know! But it’s the same! Chandler: Look, I’m sorry! But there’s nothing I can do, I think I’m in love with her! Joey: Who cares?! You went behind my back! I would never do that to you! Chandler: You’re right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the line. Joey: Over the line?! You-you’re-you’re so far past the line, that you-you can’t even see the line! The line is a dot to you! Chandler: Yes. Yes! Right! And I feel horrible. You have to believe me! Joey: Is that why you bought all this stuff?! Well, y’know what I will not watch your TV, I will not listen to your stereo, and there’s a cinnamon raisin loaf in the new bread maker that I’m not gonna eat! You know why?! Chandler: Probably because… Joey: Because it’s all tainted with your betrayal. From now on this apartment is empty for me! And I’m not happy about you either. Closing Credits Phoebe: Oh my God, he’s lost it. He’s totally lost it. Monica: What? Rachel: Phoebe, his music could not get any worse. There are rats in the basement that are hanging themselves. Ross: Thank you, thanks. would you, can you finish my set? Phoebe: After that? Yeah! No, I mean if I can help. Ross: Yeah, like I could lose it. Rachel: What? Ross: I played bad on purpose guys. Monica: Okay, so you were trying to play bad this whole time. Ross: Yeah—no, just that last song. End Written by: Michael Borkow Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Joey: Hello. Chandler: Joey: Hello. Chandler: Look I never should have kissed your girlfriend, but I’m… Joey: Stop callin’!! Voice: Hey! Hey! Hey! This is 92.3, WXRK, K-Rock for our $1,000 daily challenge. Joey: All right! Voice: What is the name of your roommate who is very, very sorry and would do anything… Opening Credits Chandler: Aww, turkey! Aww, giving thanks! Aww! Phoebe: Look everyone, it’s the spirit of Thanksgiving! Rachel: So are things with you and Joey any better? Chandler: They couldn’t be worse. I spent eight hours calling him last night, just trying to get him to talk to me. Rachel: Oh wow, eight hours? So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets huh? Ross: Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office? Rachel: You shouldn’t. Phoebe: Speaking of Christmas, umm since Monica and I are starting a new business and have like no money, umm, this year maybe we could do secret Santa, and then we each only buy one gift. And-and there’s the added mystery of who gets who. Ross: Who gets whom. I don’t know why I do that. Rachel: Well, I’m gonna take a nap, turkey makes me sleepy. Monica: We haven’t eaten yet! Rachel: I know, but all that work you’re doing to get it ready, I just… Chandler: Hey, by any chance did either of pick uh Rachel for your secret Santa, ‘cause I wanna trade for her. Phoebe: I picked her! Oh thank God you want her! Ooh! Chandler: Wow! Why do you want to get rid of her so badly? Phoebe: Because she exchanges every gift she ever gets, it’s like impossible to get her something she likes. Come on, let’s trade! Chandler: Oh that’s not true! That’s not true! I got her that backpack and she loved it! I remember how much she was crying the day when that big dog ran off with it… Her initials… Phoebe: Ohh. Monica: Well, maybe you could give to somebody else. Ooh, like Ross Geller. Chandler: Op, y'know what though, it’s kind’ve a girlie briefcase. Monica: Who cares? He works in a museum! Chandler: Hey, what time is it? The big game is about to start! Phoebe: You don’t have to do that, Ross and Joey aren’t here, you can watch the parade if you want. Chandler: Thanks. Monica: What is wrong with this freezer?! Ow! Ow!! Phoebe: God, what happened?! Monica: Oh my God, ice just got in my eye! Rachel: People are trying to sleep in here! Chandler: Monica got ice in her eye, and it hurts. Phoebe: Open it up, let me see. Monica: Oh, y’know what, I can’t, it really kills. Chandler: Well maybe you should put some ice on it. Phoebe: Ooh, God it looks bad. Rachel: Honey, maybe we should take you to a doctor. Monica: No, my eye doctor is Richard! I can’t go to him when I don’t have a boyfriend! Chandler: He’s really picky about his patients. Phoebe: Honey, you’ve got to go. What’s his office number? Monica: Like I remember his office number! Speed dial 7. Phoebe: He’s out of town, but does she want to see the on-call doctor? Monica: Yes!! Phoebe: Yes! She’s very excited about that. Phoebe: This is so cool, ‘til Monica gets back, it’s like I’m head chef and I get to make all the decisions. Ross: Hey-hey, I thought she told you to follow the recipe exactly! Phoebe: Okay, get out of my kitchen! Chandler: I mean yeah, he gave me the finger while doing it. Phoebe: All right I… I gotta call my mom and ask her a left handed cooking question. Ross: So listen ah, I picked Monica for secret Santa, but I’m already getting her something for Chanukah, I was wondering if you wanna switch. Chandler: Oh y’know what, I was already trying to trade for ah, well, you. Ross: Really?! Wow! That’s-that’s so nice, what are you gonna get me? Chandler: I don’t know R.G., I was thinking something girlie for your office. Ross: Yeah, well maybe Phoebe will switch with me. Chandler: Oh no-no-no, you don’t want to do that, then you’re gonna get stuck with Rachel and she exchanges every gift she ever gets. Ross: Oh, that’s not true! I’ve got her lots of stuff she never took back. Chandler: Like? Ross: Like uh, that gold necklace I got her last year. Chandler: When was the last time you saw her wear it? Ross: Well, she wore it all Christmas day, and then uh… Chandler: Big dog? Ross: Hey! Joey: Hey! Ross: What are you doing? Joey: I’m sending back all this stuff that Chandler bought out of guilt. Ross: Everything? Even the TV? Joey: No! I’m putting that in my room. Ross: Listen, Joey, I know what he did was wrong but don’t you think you could at least hear the guy out? Joey: Back when you and Rachel were together, if Chandler had kissed her, would you hear him out? Ross: That’s a good point. So uh, how long are you gonna punish him? Joey: Five years. Ross: You’ve sentenced him?! Joey: Hey! Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time. Ross: Joey, the guy’s your best friend. Joey: No, was my best friend. Anyway, I don’t know why you’re pushing for him so hard. With him out of the way as my best friend, there’s a spot open. Ross: Oh, who? Me? Joey: Yeah! Ross: Wow! I’m honored! And y’know what I’m gonna do as my first act as your best friend? Joey: What? Ross: I’m gonna get you to talk to Chandler. Joey: All right. But if you weren’t my best friend. Kathy: Oh my God, is it really that bad? Chandler: I walk into a room and he won’t even talk to me, he just mumbles something in Italian. And I know he only knows the bad words. Joey: Hey Gunther, have you uh, have you seen Chandler? Gunther: I thought you were Chandler. But umm, one of who is over there. Kathy: Oh. Chandler: Hey Joe. Joey: Doctor: I’ll be right with you. Okay? Thanks, Wendy. Monica: Oh my God! How cute is the on-call doctor? Rachel: Ooh, so cute, that I’m thinking about jamming this pen in my eye. Nurse: Dr. Burke will see you know. Monica: Oh no-no-no, not Dr. Burke. Dr. Burke is out of town. The-the on-call doctor will see me now. Nurse: Dr. Richard Burke is out of town. Dr. Timothy Burke, his son, will see you now. Dr. Timothy Burke: Ready? Chandler: Hey! I’m sorry! That— where are you going? Joey: My folks. Chandler: Oh, uh, when-when are you coming back? Joey: I don’t know. I might stay there for a few days while I look for an apartment. Chandler: What?! Joey: Yeah, y’know at first I thought we could talk about this y’know, work it out, but uh, seeing you two together I don’t think I… Chandler: Hey, look, what do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that I’ll stop seeing her? Joey: Look, it’s not about her. Okay? But seeing you two together just reminds me of what you did. And I don’t want to live with some one who doesn’t know what it is to be a friend. So, I’ll see ya. Chandler: Hey, look, I know what it is to be a friend, I just-I just screwed up! Joey: Yeah! You did! And that’s why I’m leaving. Chandler: All right look, if you’re not gonna stay for me, then at least stay for them! Okay, they have had a very difficult year! What with the robbery and all! Joey: When that guy was robbing us, and I was locked in the entertainment unit for like six hours, you know what I was doing in there all that time? I was thinking about how I let you down! Chandler: What? Joey: Yeah! But if would’ve know what kind of friend you were gonna turn out to be, I wouldn’t have worried about it so much! See you around! Chandler: All right, wait! Come on! Just wait one second! There has to be something that I can do! Something! If we still had that entertainment unit I would get in it for six hours and think about how I let you down. What? Joey: We’ve got a box. Commercial Break Tim: Last time I saw you, it was the morning I left for college. And you were just standing outside The Dairy Queen. Monica: I was probably waiting for it to open. Tim: I gotta tell you, you look great now. Monica: You look great too. Tim: You’re an excellent patient! Monica: So how does it look? Tim: Well, you’ve got a little scratch on your cornea, your gonna have to wear a patch for a couple of days. Monica: Like a pirate?! Tim: If that helps you. Monica: Umm, so how long have you been working with your dad? Come on, one of us had to mention him. Tim: I moved back here a couple of months ago. Monica: Oh. Big family dinner tonight? Tim: Uh. Monica: No way! Tim: I was gonna have Thanksgiving at my girlfriend’s. Monica: Oh. Tim: But we broke up. Monica: Oh. Tim: She-she wasn’t ready for a serious commitment. Monica: So you made her walk the plank? Aye, matie? Tim: You’re not wearing the patch yet. Monica: I know. Ross: He’s coming here for Thanksgiving! Rachel: I know, it’s sick. Monica: Why is it sick? Rachel: Because it’s Richard’s son! It’s like inviting Greek tragedy over for dinner! Monica: Hey, come on, Phoebe, you understand don’t you? Phoebe: Yeah, I can see where I’d be your best shot but, no. I’m sorry, but I think it’s twisted. Ross: Yeah. Joey: What’s twisted? Monica: Me going out with Richard’s son. Joey: Ewwwww!! Ew! Ew! Ew! Chandler: Sounds like a really bad idea to me. Rachel: Is he okay in there? Joey: He’s fine! Ross: Hey, y'know, Mon, if things wrong out between you and Richard’s son, you’d be able to tell your kids, that you slept with their grandfather. Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but, Rachel: So now, what exactly is the point of the box? Joey: Chandler? Chandler: The meaning of the box is three fold. One , it hurts! Ross: Oh hey! Hey uh, you remember the necklace I gave you last year? Can I see it? Rachel: Why? Ross: I just wanna check something. Rachel: Okay. Ross: Now, we’ll see. Chandler: Air hole! Air hole!! Rachel: Here it is! I love it. I wear it all the time. Ross: The necklace I got you was gold, this one is silver. Rachel: Huh, well maybe it uh, it changed. Ross: Oh my God! You actually exchanged it! Rachel: Well isn’t it better that I exchanged it for something that I enjoy and that I can get a lot of use out of? Ross: What did you get? Rachel: Credit. Monica: Hi, Tim. Tim: Hi. Monica: Thank you. Come meet my friends. This is uh, Phoebe. Tim: Hi, nice to meet you. Monica: And Joey. Joey: Hey! Tim: Hi, Joey. Monica: My brother, Ross. Ross: Hey. Monica: And Rachel. And that’s Chandler. Chandler: How do ya do. Tim: What’s… Monica: Umm, well, he’s… Joey: He’s doin’ some thinkin’! Chandler: What happened? What happened?! Joey: You kissed my girlfriend! Rachel: Ooh, I like those sunglasses. Ross: Like ‘em, like ‘em? Or, I’d like to get store credit for that amount like ‘em? Rachel: Monica: All right everybody, this turkey is ready! Tim: Where can I wash up? Monica: Here, let me show you. Okay, the towels are hanging next to the sink, and umm, you can use the fancy soap. Tim: Thank you. Rachel: Fancy soap? I thought we were savin’ that for the Pope! Monica: See he’s nice. Right? Phoebe: Yeah, but Monica, do you actually want to be in a relationship where you can actually use the phrase, "That’s not how your dad used to do it." Tim: Wow! Everything looks great! Where should I sit? Monica: I saved you a seat. Rachel: Sick-sick-sick-sick. Phoebe: Oh, I’ll get it. Chandler: Gotcha! Joey: That doesn’t sound like thinking to me! Chandler: Sorry! Joey: Y’know I don’t think you should be talking at all in there! I think you’ve got to much thinking to do to be talking and making jokes! Chandler: Okay, okay, you got it! Rachel: Ross, can you pass me the yams? Ross: Sure! Oh, and Joey’s got the mashed potatoes if you want to exchange them. Rachel: Would you stop?! What is the matter with you?! Monica: Oh-ho-ho, we’ve got company. Ross: There’s nothing the matter with me. See, I’m not completely devoid of sentiment, see I have feelings. Rachel: Okay, fine. Chandler: You can’t tell, but I’m trying to break the tension by mooning you guys! Joey: All right, look! If this is just a big joke to you, then forget about it, all right?! This means something to me! And if it doesn’t mean anything to you, then you should get out of there, otherwise you’re just an idiot in a box! Chandler: You’re right, and I’m sorry! This means a lot to me! I want you to be my friend again! I swear, I won’t say another word tonight. Joey: So are you gonna start taking this thing seriously? Chandler: Absolutely! Joey: That sounds like another word to me! Are you gonna take this seriously? Okay. Rachel: Don’t say that I have no sentiment! This is from the museum from the first time we… were together. Okay, maybe I exchange gifts sometimes, but I keep the things that matter! Ross: I don’t know what to say, I’m sorry. Though, you’re not supposed to take these. It’s like a million years old, we, we actually, we had people looking for that. Monica: Tim: Here, let me help. Monica: Thank you. Tim: You-you have a very beautiful… eye. Monica: Y’know all my friends think this is weird. Tim: Y’know I-I thought it was gonna be weird, I mean I almost called and canceled, but it really isn’t. Monica: I know! I mean it’s like me and your dad, that’s a totally separate thing. Tim: Oh, I totally agree. Monica: We’re just two people who find each other very attractive. Right? Tim: What? Monica: Nothing. Nothing. Tim: No-no really, was-was that not okay? Monica: No-no-no that was good, it was, that was uh, that was a goood kiss… Tim: Oh my God! It didn’t remind you of… Monica: Don’t say it! Tim: No, but it did! Didn’t it?! Monica: Yeah! Tim: Oh man!! Monica: I know! Joey: I’ll get it. Kathy: Oh. Joey: Hey. Kathy: Hey. Listen, I want you to know how sorry I am… Joey: That’s okay. Chandler’s the one I’m mad at. Kathy: Well, I’m still sorry. Is he here? Joey: In the box. Kathy: Chandler? Phoebe: Oh, he-he can’t talk right now. Kathy: Why not? What’s going on? Phoebe: He’s just trying to show Joey how much he means to him. Kathy: By being in a box? Rachel: Joey, had reasons. Phoebe: They were threefold. Kathy: Oh. Well uh, Listen I don’t wanna be someone who comes between two best friends. I just, I can’t stand seeing what this is doing to you guys, and I don’t wanna be the cause of that. So, I don’t think we can see each other anymore. I’m gonna go to my mom’s in Chicago, I’m gonna stay there for awhile. I think this could’ve be something really amazing, but y’know this is probably for the best. Y’know? I’m gonna miss you. Good-bye, Chandler. Joey: Rachel: What?! Joey: He can still catch her! Come on, get out of there! Get out of there! Chandler: So? Joey: Yeah, we’re gonna be fine! Get out! Chandler: Yeah? Joey: Yeah, you did some real good thinkin’ in there. Chandler: Man, this is… Joey: Now go! ‘Cause you can still catch her! And Merry Christmas from you’re secret Santa! Joey: All right, who got Chandler? ‘Cause I uh, need to trade. Closing Credits Rachel: Oh, he sees her! Monica: Oh, he’s catching up to her! Phoebe: Oh, she sees him! Oh, they’re hugging! Ross: He’s taking her purse! Joey: Uhh, that’s not them. I’m gonna go call the police. Phoebe: Oh, there they are! Phoebe: All right, get a room. End Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Phoebe: Okay! Monica: Come on, no peeking! Chandler: Our eyes are closed and we’re about to cross the street. Very good. Phoebe: Okayyyyy, open up! Ross: What did you want to show us? Because all I can see is this bitchin' van! Phoebe: Yeah, it’s for our catering business! Joey: I think I know that girl. Monica: All right, umm, we’re not gonna really keep it this way though. Rachel: No? Phoebe: No, we’re gonna paint over the sword, and replace it with a baguette. Rachel: Oh! Phoebe: And also, we don’t know what to do with this. Joey: Oh yeah, I definitely know her. Opening Credits Monica: Remember that guy from cooking school I told you about that put cilantro with everything? Phoebe: Oh sure, Cilantro Larry. Monica: Well, I’m gonna fill in for him as food critic for the Chelsea Reporter. Monica: Wow, Monica! What an amazing opportunity to influence… dozens of people. Phoebe: How could you say yes, what about our catering business? Monica: Oh no-no-no, it’s only one night a week, and plus I get to take all of you out for a lot of free dinners. All: Yay!! Phoebe: Oh, in that case— That was me hopping on board. Monica: Oh. Chandler: Hey, you guys! Hey, Ross, quick question for ya. Are you ready to party? Ross: I don’t know, I could maybe go out for a couple of beers, but there’s this thing about bumblebees on The Discovery Channel that I was planning to watch. Chandler: No-no, I don’t think you heard me. Are you ready to party?! Ross: Nooo!! Gandolf?! Gandolf is coming to town? Chandler: Kathy’s with her parents, I have nothing to do, so tomorrow we are partying with Gandolf dude! Ross: Dude, we are sooo gonna party! Phoebe: Wow! Okay, dude alert! And who is this guy? Ross: Mike "Gandolf" Ganderson, only like the funest guy in the world. Chandler: I’m gonna call and get off work tomorrow! Ross: I’m gonna call after you! Chandler: This is gonna be soo cool, dude, we never party anymore! Chandler and Ross: Woooo!!! Monica: All right, were you guys smoking something in the back of our van? Joey: Really. And what do you mean you never have fun anymore? You have fun with me, remember that time we saw those strippers and you paid me 50 bucks to eat that book? Ross: Joey, you are gonna love this guy. Gandolf is like the party wizard! Joey: Well, why do you call him Gandolf? Ross: Gandolf the wizard. Hello! Didn’t you read Lord of the Rings in high school? Joey: No, I had sex in high school. Rachel: Oh, uh, Joanna I was wondering if I could ask you something. There’s an opening for an assistant buyer in Junior Miss… Joanna: Okay, but that would actually be a big step down for me. Rachel: Well, actually, I meant for me. The hiring committee is meeting people all day and… Joanna: Oh. Well, I wish I could say no, but you can’t stay my assistant forever. Neither can you Sophie, but for different reasons. Rachel: God, I am so glad you don’t have a problem with this, because if you did, I wouldn’t even consider applying. Joanna: Really? Well, in that case… Rachel: And that’s I’m so glad… there’s no problem. Joanna: That’s fine, actually I’m on the hiring committee, so there’ll be at least one friendly face. Rachel: Ohh! That’s great! Joanna: You know, Junior Miss is where I started. Oh, I had to sleep with the ugliest guy to get that job. Rachel: Really?! Joanna: No-ho-ho! I mean, no-no-no-no-no, don’t you worry, I’m sure with your qualifications you won’t need to sleep with some guy to get that job. Although, I might need some convincing. Rachel: Well, I, umm… Joanna: Kidding! God, I feel wild today! Chandler: Oh man! I am so excited—I may vomit! Joey: Will you calm down, he’s just a human guy. Chandler: Look you don’t understand, Gandolf is amazing. Y’know you’re never know what’s gonna end up happening, you go out for a couple of beers and end up on a fishing boat to Nova Scotia! Joey: Really?! Chandler: Oh yeah, it’s beautiful country up there. Ross: Hey! Okay! I got my passport, fresh socks, and a snake bite kit! Chandler: It’s not gonna be exactly like last time. Joey: All right, I’ll see you guys. Chandler and Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Chandler: Whoa-wh-wh-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Joey: I have an audition, but I’ll definitely hook up with you later. Where are you gonna be around noon? Ross: Somewhere maybe along the equator? Joey: Okay. Chandler: Ross: What happened? Chandler: He’s not gonna make it, he’s stuck in Chicago. Ross: Ohh, man! Chicago, is sooo lucky! Chandler: Stupid, useless Canadian money! Mr. Posner: You have a very impressive resume, Ms. Green. I especially like what I see here about implementing a new filing system. Rachel: Thank you. Joanna: Filing system? Oh-oh! You mean those-those little colored labels you put on all the folders? It certainly did brighten up the inside of the filing cabinets. Rachel: Well, they uh, they-they do more than that. Mrs. Lynch: I notice that you’ve been trusted with a lot of rather important responsibilities. Rachel: Yes, Joanna really has been an incredible mentor to me. Joanna: Oh. And Rachel has been really incredible in getting my morning bagel for me. It’s amazing how she gets it right almost every time! Rachel: I-I-I of course, I have more responsibilities than that. Joanna: Oh yes, well there’s the coffee too. Rachel can carry two things at once! Mr. Posner: Yes, that’s very good. Now a uh, big part of this job is cultivating personal relationships, especially with designers. Rachel: Yes, I realize that… Joanna: And Rachel shouldn’t have any problem with that. The only problem might be getting a little too friendly, if you know what I mean. Rachel: I love working with designers! Joanna: With them, under them, what’s the difference? Eh, Rach? Monica: Hey! My first review is out! Phoebe: Ohh! Oh, the Chelsea Reporter, ohh, this used to keep me so warm. Monica: All right, look at my on the back page. Phoebe: Oh, okay! Wow! You really laid into this place. Monica: Hey, they don’t pay me a penny a word to make friends. Phoebe: Ooh, I gotta go. I found a guy that who could fix up the van for catering. Monica: Oh! Do you need me to go with you? Phoebe: No-no, it’s okay. But are we sure we don’t want the waterbed? Monica: Haven’t we made this decision? Phoebe: Yeah, all right. Monica: Bye! Phoebe: Bye! Monica: Who is it? Allesandro: It’s Allesandro, from Allesandro’s. Monica: Oh my God. Allesandro: I want to talk to you about your review. Monica: Oh my God, oh my God. Call me on the phone! Allesandro: Why? So you could hang up on me? Monica: Look, I-I’m never gonna let you up so you may as well just go away. Allesandro: Just give me a chance too… Phoebe: Hey, do you need to get in? Here you go. Monica: No! Phoebe! Phoebe: Hey, Monica! Commercial Break Allesandro: I want a retraction! Our food is not inedible swill! Monica: I couldn’t eat it! I had five friends who couldn’t eat it, and one of them eats books. Allesandro: Well our service is not grossly incompetent. Monica: The waiter carried the breadsticks in his pants! Allesandro: Well, you said that we except the Discover Card, which we do not! Monica: All right, that I’ll retract. But I stand by my review, I know food and that wasn’t it. You’re marinara sauce tasted like tomato juice! You should serve it with vodka and a piece of celery. Allesandro: Hey! I’m proud of that sauce, it’s delicious. Monica: Oh my God! You own an Italian restaurant and you think that tastes good?! Where are you even from? Allesandro: Lebanon. Monica: Hand me those tomatoes, I’m gonna show you what it should taste like! Come on, hand me them. Allesandro: How long is this gonna take? ‘Cause I got another critic to go yell at. Rachel: Umm, Joanna? I wanna talk about that interview. Joanna: I thought it went very well. Rachel: No! It didn’t! That’s what I want to talk to you about. I may cry, but they are not tears of sadness or of anger, but just of me having this discussion with you. Joanna: Rachel, please, don’t make a scene. Rachel: There’s nobody here! Joanna: Sophie, get in here! You see! Now you’re making Sophie uncomfortable! Sophie: She’s not making me uncomfortable. Joanna: Congratulations! You now just crossed the line into completely useless. Get out. Rachel: Do you want me to quit? Joanna: What?! What would make you think that? Rachel: Well of those things that you said in the interview, I mean if you believe any of them, I must not be a very good assistant. Y’know what? I am just gonna pack up my desk, Joanna: Wait-wait-wait-wait! You can put your sad little muffin back in it’s drawer. If you must know the truth, I didn’t want to lose a perfectly good assistant. Rachel: What? Joanna: That’s why I said all those things about your flirting and your drinking… Rachel: My drinking? Joanna: Oh, I must’ve said that after you left. Rachel: Said what? Exactly. Joanna: That you enjoyed the occasional drink…ing binge. Rachel: Oh my God!! Ohh, that is it! I’m leaving! You are just a horrible person! Joanna: Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait!! If you’re gonna get all sensitive about it! I don’t want to lose you. What if I, create a position for you? I’ll make you an assistant buyer in this department. Rachel: Say more things like that. Joanna: You can have your own office, and a raise! Effective tomorrow. Rachel: I’d need an expense account. Joanna: Done! Rachel: And an assistant. Joanna: Sophie, get in here! Joey: Hey! What are you guys doing here? I thought you’d be out partying with Gandel-worf. Ross: It’s Gandolf, and he’s not coming. Joey: So you’ve been sittin’ around here all mornin’? Ross: No! I balanced my checkbook. Chandler: Yeah, and I-I gave first names to all of the foosball players. Ross: I can’t believe he didn’t come! Joey: So what if he didn’t come! We can still go out and party ourselves! Chandler: Oh-no, y’know with Gandolf we’d be out all night! Ross: Yeah! We’d meet, we’d meet total strangers, and hang out with them! Joey: Well, we could do that! Ross: There’s other stuff too. Joey: We’ll do it all, and better! Look, after tonight, Gandolf will want to party with us, dude! Come on! Ross: Yeah! Joey: Yeah! Ross: Yeah!! Joey: Yeah!! Ross: It’s not like we don’t know how to party!! Joey: Yeah! All right? Let’s go! Chandler: And may-maybe we could end up on a boat again? Joey and Ross: Yeah!!! Chandler: All right!! Ross: Hey-hey-hey, when uh, when were we on a boat? Chandler: Remember that really cold morning, you woke up and those dogs were licking your face? Ross: Yeah. Chandler: Well, those were seals, man. Rachel: Hey Mon, little question for ya! How do you think this suit will look on an assistant buyer? Monica: Okay, the owner of Allesandro’s came over to yell at me, but instead I made him some sauce, and he offered me the job as head chef!! Rachel: Oh my God!! You just ruined the thing I was practicing the whole way home, but I’m soo happy! Monica: Can you believe it? I finally get to run my own kitchen! Rachel: Ohh, you’ve waited soo long. Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hey, Pheebs, quick question for ya. Phoebe: Yeah. Rachel: How do you think this suit would look on an assistant buyer at Bloomingdale’s? Phoebe: I don’t know, it would totally depend on her coloring and… You got the job!! Rachel: Yes!!! Monica: You got the job?! Why didn’t you tell me? Rachel: Ohh, it’s gonna be so great! I’m gonna get to help decide what we sell, I’m gonna have an office with walls and everything. I’m gonna have walls! Phoebe: Okay, is this the day of good news or what? I got us a job! The wedding reception. Monica: Ohh! Umm, Phoebe, I kinda need to talk to you about that. Umm, well I-I-I think it might be time for me to take a step back from catering. Phoebe: But we’ve only had one job. Monica: I know, but now we have this second one and it just, it feels like it’s snowballing, y’know? Phoebe: Yeah! What are you saying? Monica: I got offered the head chef job at Allesandro’s. Phoebe: What? Monica: It’s okay, ‘cause y'know what? You don’t really need me for the business. Phoebe: You’re the cook! With out you it’s just me driving up to people’s houses with empty trays and asking for money! Monica: All right. But umm, I-I-I’ll pay you back all the money you invested, and you can keep the van. Phoebe: For what? I can’t believe this! I gotta get out of here. Monica: Phoebe, wait a minute! Rachel: I’m an assistant buyer!! Joey: All right, so we’ll get a little coffee, and get energized, and we’ll head back out. Chandler: Yeah, all right. Ross: Okay. Joey: So, we’re having fun, right? Chandler and Ross: Yeah. Joey: We don’t need that wizard guy. We hit a couple of clubs, talked to some strangers, and uh, after this, we’ll head down to the docks and see about that boat thing. Ross: I’m kinda beat. Chandler: Actually, me too. Joey: Are you serious?! Chandler and Ross: Yeah. Joey: Thank God! I’m exhausted! Gunther: So you guys want coffees? Joey: Yeah, but uh, I don’t want to be up too late, so uh, I’ll have a decaf. Ross: Yeah, me too. Chandler: Actually, can I get some hot water with a little lemon? I think I strained my voice screaming in there. Does it have to be so loud? Joey: I can’t hear a word you’re saying, my ears are ringing so bad. Ross: I’m just glad I brought that extra pair of socks, y’know? I used them as mittens, I didn’t want to touch a thing in that last place. Ross: How sad are we? Joey: Yeah, I know. Chandler: Y’know what? We’re not sad, we’re not sad, we’re just not 21 anymore. Y’know? I’m 29 years old, damnit! And I want to sit in a comfortable chair, and watch television and go to bed at a reasonable hour! Joey and Ross: Yeah! Joey: Yeah! And I like to hang out in a quiet place where I can talk to my friends. Chandler and Ross: Yeah! Ross: And so what if I like to go home, throw on some Kenny G, and take a bath! Joey: We’re 29, we’re not women. Monica: Ohh, here you are. Y’know, I’m-I’m glad you decided to hear me out. Phoebe: Okay, I’m hearing. Monica: I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. A lot! And umm, well, I came up with a whole bunch of businesses you can do with your van. Okay umm, you could be flower delivery person. Phoebe: What?! Monica: Or! A bakery delivery person. Phoebe: I wa-I wa-I wa… Monica: Pizza?! Phoebe: Monica! Monica: All right, I’ve got a whole bunch of uh-uh, stuff in this area, but umm, I’m getting the feeling that you don’t want to deliver. Phoebe: No. Monica: Okay. I’m guessing that if you don’t want to deliver, you probably don’t want to pick stuff up either. Phoebe: No. Monica: Y’know what, let’s do the catering business. Phoebe: Really?! Are you sure? Monica: Yeah, y'know I-I made a commitment to you. Y’know what, it’d be, it’d be fun. Phoebe: Oh! It will be fun! Ohh! Yay! Oh! Okay, ooh, let’s plan the wedding reception. Y’know what, I want you to take the chef job. Monica: Really?! Phoebe: Yeah. That’s what you really want. Yeah, I don’t want to be the reason you’re unhappy, that would just make me unhappy, and I really don’t want to be the reason I’m unhappy. Monica: Thank you. Phoebe: Besides, it might be kinda fun to form the new A-Team. Rachel: Oh, hi Mrs. Lynch! Is Joanna in already? Mrs. Lynch: Oh my goodness! You haven’t heard! Rachel: Heard what? Mrs. Lynch: Joanna passed away last night. Rachel: Oh my God! How?! Mrs. Lynch: Well, she was leaving work and she was hit by a cab. Rachel: Oh my God! Oh, I cannot believe it! Mrs. Lynch: I know! Rachel: Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh God. Mrs. Lynch: I didn’t realize that she was so close. Rachel: Yes, so close. Mrs. Lynch, I know that this is an emotional and difficult time, for all of us. But by any chance did Joanna send any paperwork your way before… it happened. Mrs. Lynch: No. Nothing. Imagine, if she had just stepped off that curb a few seconds later. Rachel: Yes-yes, just a few seconds and she’d still be with us—nothing about an assistant buyer? Mrs. Lynch: Sophie: Good morning! Rachel: Oh, Sophie, I guess you didn’t hear about Joanna… Sophie: I sure did! Closing Credits Allesandro: I’m so excited about having Monica come on board with us. Although I do feel bad about having fired chef Emillio, it’s like losing a member of the family. Of course, that literally is the case for several of you. Tony, Carlos, Marie, please, tell your father how much we’re gonna miss him. Now, I know that Monica has a lot of great ideas for this place, well, you all read the review. So without much further ado, I present to you our new head chef. Monica:  Umm, I just wanna say, uh Are you gonna kill me? End Written by: Scott Silveri Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Ross: Hey! Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe: Hey! Ross: I’m sorry I’m late, did I miss anything? Phoebe: Joey stuffing 15 Oreos in his mouth. Ross: 15? Phoebe: Where were you? Ross: Oh, on a date. Yeah, I met this girl on the train going to a museum upstate. Chandler: Oh, yeah! How did you meet her? Phoebe: Oh, which museum? Phoebe: No, answer his. Ross: Okay, it was just me and her at the back of the train, and I sat near the door, so she’d have to pass by me if she wanted to switch cars. She was totally at my mercy. Chandler: Were you so late because you were burring this woman? Ross: No, I’m getting back down ‘cause she lives in Poughkeepsie. She seems really great, but she’s like totally great, but she lives two and a half hours away. Chandler: How can she be great if she’s from Poughkeepsie? That joke would’ve killed in Albany. Joey: Done! I did it! Heh, who’s stupid now? Opening Credits Chandler: Hey, look at this! They’re lighting the big Christmas tree tonight. Phoebe: Umm, that paper’s two weeks old. Chandler: All right, who keeps leaving old newspapers in the trash?! I really wanted to take Kathy to this, I can’t believe I missed it. Rachel: Hey, y’know, at least you have somebody to miss that stuff with! I hate being alone this time of year! Next thing you know it’ll be Valentine’s Day, then my birthday, then bang!—before you know it, they’re lighting that damn tree again. Ohh, I want somebody! I mean, it doesn’t even have to be a big relationship, y’know, just like a fling would be great. Chandler: Really?! I didn’t think girls ever just wanted a fling. Rachel: Well, believe me, it’s been a long time since I’ve been flung. Joey: Well, I know what I’m giving you for Christmas. Chandler: Y’know what? There’s some nice guys at my office, do you want me to set you up? Rachel: Yeah! Wait a minute, it’s been a long time that I’ve been single. How come you never offered this before? Chandler: Well, I have a girlfriend, I’m-I’m happy. So, I no longer feel the need to go out of my way to stop others from being happy. Rachel: Okay! No accountants. Oh, and no one from like legal. I don’t like guys with boring jobs. Chandler: Oh and Ross was like what? A lion tamer? All: Hey! Phoebe: What’s wrong Mon? Monica: Ohh, everybody at the restaurant still hates me. Phoebe: Oh. Monica: I thought I was making headway, everyone was smiling at me all day, I get off work and I find out that they wrote this Phoebe: Hey, maybe they meant to write, ‘Quiet, bitch.’ Rachel: Hey, honey! What’s the matter? Fine, I was just trying to be nice! Whoa! Monica: I mean I have not been picked on this much since kindergarten and they had to bring in someone from junior high to do the see-saw with me. Joey: Ohhh! Monica: I mean they’re trying to do everything they can to make me quit, and if there were any other job, I would. But this is something I’ve been waiting for my whole life. Rachel: Well, wait a minute, you’re the boss! Why don’t you just yell at them? Or, fire them? Monica: I would love too, but I can’t! I mean I just can’t, you know that I’m not good at confrontation. Chandler: Hey, you know what you can do? I remember reading about this director, I think it was Orson Wells, who at the beginning of the movie would hire somebody, just so he could fire them in front of everybody. Then they would all know, who’s boss. Joey: Hey, Mon! I’m not doing anything, why don’t you fire me? Monica: That’s a good idea! Wait, do you know how to waiter? Joey: Good enough to get fired. Monica: All right, you’re hired! Joey: Hey! That must be why I got fired last week! Does this Orson Wells guy direct Burger King commercials? Chandler: Yes. Chandler: I say, Drew! Are you seeing anybody right now? Og-ee-op, I’m not asking for me, I’m… I mean… No, I’m-I’m not gay, I’m not asking you out. I’m not-I’m not-I’m not gay! Drew: I didn’t think you were gay. I do now. Chandler: See my friend-my friend, Rachel, she wants to be set up. Drew: Ahh, I just got out of a big relationship, I’m not looking for any thing serious. Chandler: Oh, y’know what, that might be okay even if it was just kind of a fling, that might be all right with Rachel. Mike: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Is this, hot Rachel, that you took to the Christmas party, Rachel? Chandler: Oh, by the way, that is her full name. Mike: Oh wow! I’m free for her! Drew: Oh, wait a second! I didn’t say I wasn’t free! Mike: Hey, Chandler, why don’t we talk this over at the Ranger game tomorrow? Drew: Hold on, y’know I just got a box of Cubans, maybe I bring them by your office around uh, five? Chandler: Oh well, that’s uh, a little later than I uh, generally care to stay, but sure! Mike: Maybe, before the game we could enjoy some eight year old some small batch Basel Hadens. Chandler: Well, I don’t really know what that is, but let’s!! Phoebe: Hey! You guys, I’m writing a holiday song for everyone. Do you want to hear it? Monica, Rachel, and Joey: Yes! Phoebe: Happy Chanukah, Monica! May your Christmas be snowy, Joey! Happy New Year, Chandler and Ross. Spin the draddle, Rachel! Rachel: Pheebs, that’s great! Phoebe: Oh, yay! Rachel: But y’know umm, Rachel doesn’t rhyme with draddle. Phoebe: I know but it’s so hard! Nothing rhymes with your stupid name! Joey: What are you talking about? Lots of things rhyme with Rachel. Bagel. Mail. Jail. Bail. Able. May-pole. Phoebe: All good, thanks. Do you maybe have a nickname have like a nickname that’s easier to rhyme? Monica: Didn’t your dad used to call you Pumpkin? Rachel: Oh yeah! Phoebe: Pumpkin? Yeah. But did he ever call you like, Budolph? Chandler: Hello, children! All: Hey! Chandler: Have I got the 50 guys for you! Rachel: Really?! Chandler: Oh yeah, I just showed this a picture of you and guys were throwing themselves at me! They’re buying me drinks! They’re giving me stuff! Knicks tonight? Joey: Sure! Where are the seats? Chandler: Wherever! I’ve got like 20! Rachel: So, will I like any of these guys? Chandler: Y’know what, I’m gonna uh, play the field just a little more. Rachel: Chandler! Chandler: Guys are signing over their 401-K’s to me? Phoebe: You work with robots!! Chandler: Okay, there’s this one guy, Patrick, I think you’re gonna like him, he’s really nice, he’s funny, he’s a swimmer. Rachel: Ohh, I like swimmer’s bodies! Chandler: Yes, and his father invented that magnetic strip on the back of credit cards. Rachel: Op, I like credit cards! Chandler: See, I’m not bad at this fixing up thing, huh? Rachel: Well, so what does he do? Chandler: Oh, he works in the Fine Foods division. Rachel: Your company has a fine foods division? Chandler: It’s a big company, I don’t—if you—I… Joey: Now, wait a second! You make food and robots? Phoebe: No! No, the robots just work for them. Monica: All right, I’m gonna go to work. Does anybody have a problem with that? Joey: Yeah, lady, I do! I got a problem with that! Monica: You want a problem? I’ll give you a problem! Joey: Oh, what are you gonna do? You’re gonna fire me? Monica: You bet your ass, I’m gonna fire you! Thank you. Ross: Oh, wow! I should get going. I-I got a date tonight. Chandler: Oh yeah! With who? Ross: You know that girl I told you about who lives up in Poughkeepsie? Chandler: Yeah. Ross: Not her. Yeah, this is someone else I meet, and I-I can’t decide between the two of them. Y’know the one from Poughkeepsie, even though she’s a two hour train ride away, is really pretty, really smart, and-and a lot of fun. But this other girl, well, she lives right uptown. Y’know she’s, well she’s-she’s just as pretty, I guess she’s smart, she’s not fun. Phoebe: If she’s no fun, why do you want to date her at all? Ross: Well, I-I want to give her another chance, y’know? She lives so close. And, at the end of the date, the other time, she-she said something that was—if she was kidding was very funny. On the other hand, if she wasn’t kidding, she’s not fun, she’s stupid, and kind of a racist. Joey: Hey! Ross: Hey! Chandler: Hey, man! Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, how was your first day working at the restaurant? Joey: Joey: Hey. Monica: Hey. Joey: Hey, what happened to your fancy chef’s jacket? Monica: They baked it. I can’t take this anymore. I’m gonna call a meeting tonight, I’m gonna fire you tonight. Joey: You got it! Oh-oh! Monica: What are you doing?! Joey: It’s still a tiny bit on fire there. Monica: Thanks. I think you got it! Rachel: Chandler!! You have the best taste in men! Chandler: Well, like father, like son. Rachel: Patrick and I had such a great time last night! I mean I think this could maybe turn into something serious. Chandler: Really?! I-I thought you weren’t looking for something serious? I thought you were looking for some kind of a fling. Rachel: Well, y'know, possibly. You didn’t tell him that, though? Right? Chandler: Ummmmmmmm, no. Rachel: You told this guy that I was looking for a fling?! You don’t tell the guy that! Chandler: Why not?! I’d be thrilled if I heard that some hot girl was just looking to get—oh I see. Rachel: Oh, between you telling him that I wanted to have a fling and me putting out on the first date—oh, he’s so gonna get the wrong idea. Monica: Hey, Joey, could you pass the cheese? Joey: Yeah. Listen uh, I’d prefer it if you didn’t call me Joey. Since I don’t know anyone here, I thought it’d be cool to try out a cool work nickname. A Waiter: Joey: There’s like-there’s like 300 bucks in this one! The Waiter: Yeah, people get pretty generous around the holidays. And it never hurts to wear tight trousers. Monica: Okay. Could the waiters gather around to hear tonight’s specials? Okay, first there is a Chilean Sea Bass prepared with a Mango relish on a bag—Why is nobody writing these down? The Waiter: Because we can remember them. Monica: Because your all gonna make up fake specials and make me cook them like you did the other night? The Waiter: Well, sure, that too. Monica: Okay, forget the specials for a minute. Umm, all right here’s the thing, for the last two weeks I have umm, tried really hard to create a positive atmosphere… The Waiter: Can’t hear you! Monica: Hey new guy! I said, does anybody have a problem with that?! Joey: No ma’am. The Waiter: Hey! He has a name, it’s Dragon. Do you wanna know your name? Check your hat. Commercial Break Monica: What the hell happened?! Joey: I am so-so-so sorry. I was gonna do it! Really! But I was standing there with 327 dollars in one hand and 238 dollars in the other hand, and I was thinking, "Wow! It’s been a long time since I had… 327 + 238 dollars!" Monica: Joey, we had a deal. That-that’s why you’re here! I’ve got to fire you! Joey: And I gotta pay rent! Look, how-how about this? You don’t fire me, instead I stay here, I gain their trust, and they’ll start listening to all the nice things I’ve been saying about you. Monica: What kinda things have you been saying? Joey: Well nothing yet, they really hate you and I want to fit in. Phoebe: Happy, happy Chanukah, Chandler and Monica. Very merry… Chandler: Oh, y’know, y’know what Pheebs? Phoebe: What? Chandler: I’m not Jewish, so… Phoebe: So! Ross doesn’t really decorate his tree with floss, but you don’t hear him complaining do you? God! Chandler: Bad dream? Ross: I wasn’t sleeping. Chandler: Oh yeah, then uh, what was Phoebe’s song about? Ross: The one with the cat. I gotta go, I’ve got another date. Phoebe: So, did you pick one yet? Ross: No, it turns out that the one from uptown was making a joke. But it was a different joke than I thought—it wasn’t that funny. So I’m still torn. Phoebe: Well look, you don’t really like the one from uptown and you’re too exhausted from dating the one up in Poughkeepsie, so I say you just end them both. Okay? You take a train up to Poughkeepsie and break up with her, and on your way back you break up with uptown. And then by the time you get home tonight, you’re done! Ross: Y’know, you’re right. Thank you. Phoebe: Umm, well I had a similar problem when I lived in Prague. Chandler: Prague? Phoebe: There’s sooo much you don’t know. Rachel: Chandler! Patrick just uh, ended things with me. Did you or did you not tell him that I was looking for a serious relationship? Chandler: I did! I absolutely did! Rachel: You idiot!! Chandler: I’m sure you’re right, but why? Rachel: You don’t tell a guy that you’re looking for a serious relationship! You don’t tell the guy that! Now you scared him away! Chandler: Oh, man. I’m sorry, I’m so-so sorry. Rachel: Y’know, you should never be allowed to talk to people! Chandler: I know! I know! Rachel: Oh! See just I’m right back where I started! Aww, this sucks! Being alone, sucks! Chandler: Well, y’know, you’re-you’re gonna meet somebody! You’re a great catch! Y’know when I was telling all those guys about you, I didn’t have to lie once. Rachel: Really? Chandler: Yeah! You graduated Magma Ku Laude, right? Rachel: No. Chandler: Oh, it doesn’t matter. Hey, y’know what, I’ve got two tickets to tonight’s Rangers game, you wanna come with me? Rachel: Cute guys in little shorts? Sure. Chandler: Well, actually it’s a hockey team, so it’s angry Canadians with no teeth. Rachel: Well that sounds fun too. Chandler: Have you ever been with a woman? Rachel: What?! Chandler, what is the matter with you?! Chandler: So there is no good time to ask that question. The Conductor: The next station is Poughkeepsie. Poughkeepsie! The Woman From Poughkeepsie: Ross! Ross!! Ross!!! Ross!!!! Monica: I need more swordfish. Can you get me some more swordfish? Kitchen Worker: I don’t speak English. Monica: You did a minute ago! Kitchen Worker: Well, I don’t know what to tell ya! Monica: Fine! Monica: Okay! Very funny! Somebody let me out please?! Come on, I’m cold! The Waiter: You found that handle, did ya? Monica: That’s not funny. The Waiter: Well that’s not true. Monica: I’m a good person. And I’m a good chef, and I don’t deserve to have marinara sauce all over me! Y’know what, if you want me to quit this bad, then all you have to do is… Joey: Hey! Chef Geller! Y’know that little speech you made the other day? Well I got a problem with it! Monica: You do? Joey: You bet I do! I just ah, wasn’t listening then, that’s all. Monica: Well if you want a problem? I’ll give you a problem! Joey: What are you gonna do? You’re gonna fire me? Monica: You bet your ass I’m gonna fire you! Get out of my kitchen! Get out!! All right! Anybody else got a problem? How ‘bout you Chuckles? You think this is funny now? The Waiter: No. Monica: How about if I dance around all covered in sauce? Huh? You think it’s funny now? The Waiter: No, it’s really good. Monica: Good! Now, take those salads to table 4, And you! Get a haircut! The Conductor: Last stop, Montreal. This stop is Montreal. Ross: Woman On Train: I made a bet with myself that you have beautiful eyes. Now that I see them, I win. Ross: What? Woman On Train: We’re at my stop. But would you like to have coffee? Ross: Are we really in Montreal?! Woman On Train: Yes we are. So, coffee? Ross: Coffee sounds great. Wait, so, so you live in Montreal? Woman On Train: Oh, no. But it’s just a two hour ferry ride to Nova Scotia. Joey: Well I guess I should’ve thought about my wife and kids before I talked back to chef Geller! Monica: Thanks. Joey: Yep! Looks like it’s gonna be a leeeeean Christmas at the Dragon house this year. Monica: Enough! Joey: Lean-lean-lean! Closing Credits Phoebe: "Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap.                                 Asked him to bring my friends all kind of crap.                                 Said all you need is to write them a song.                                 They haven't heard it, so don't try and sing along.                                 No, don't sing along.                                 Monica, Moncia, have a happy Chanukah.                                 Saw Santa Clause, he said hello to Ross.                                 And plese tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy!                                 And Rachel and Chandler, have err-umm-glander!!" Happy holidays, everybody! End Written by: Seth Kirkland Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Phoebe: Oh my God! I can’t believe my little brother is married! Frank: Oh I know!! Phoebe: You guys, why didn’t you tell me you were eloping? Frank: ‘Cause it just sorta happened, y’know we were at the courthouse, we were having lunch… Phoebe: Wait, wait, why were you at the courthouse? Frank: We were having lunch. Yeah and then all of the sudden we were like, "Hey! Y'know, we’re here, having lunch let’s get married! Phoebe: Wow, a year and a half ago I didn’t even know I had a brother, and now I have a sister too. Okay. Okay. Stop it, don’t. So, I gotta get you a gift now. Is there anything you need? Frank: Uhh, yeah. Alice: We’ve been trying to get pregnant, uh pretty much ever since we got engaged, we thought we’d get a jump on things, y’know no one’s getting any younger. Frank: See the thing is umm, we’re not able to y’know, uh, conceive. Alice: And we’ve tried everything, we’ve seen a bunch of doctors. Frank: Yeah, and they-and they say that our-that our only chance to have a baby is that if they take my sperm, her egg and put it together in a dish and then put it into another girl. So we were wondering if you could be the girl that we could put it into. Phoebe: That’s a really nice gift. I was thinking of like a gravy boat. Opening Credits Joey: Guess which job I got. Chandler: I don’t know, but Donald Trump wants his blue blazer black. Ross: What? Chandler: Blue blazer back. He-he wants it back. Rachel: But you-you said black. Why would he want his blue blazer black? Chandler: Well, you-you know what I meant. Monica: No, you messed it up. You’re stupid. Chandler: So what job did you get Joe? Joey: Oh, ah, tour guide at the museum. Yeah, Ross got it for me. Rachel: Well, how can you be a tour guide, don’t you have to be a dinosaur expert or something? Joey: No, not really. They give you all the information, it’s uh, it’s like memorizing a script. "And on your left, you have Tyrannosaurus Rex, a carnivore from the Jurassic period. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel:  Great!! That’s great! Ross: Uh actually Joey, it’s the Cretasous period. Joey: Yeah but, I can pronounce Jurassic. Phoebe: Hey!! All: Hey! Phoebe: Guess what. Frank Jr., and Alice got married! All: Oh my God!! Phoebe: And! And, they’re gonna have a baby! Ross: My God! Monica: Are you serious? Phoebe: Yeah Joey: You’re really thinking about having sex with your brother?! Phoebe: Ewww! And "Oh no!" It’s—they just want me to be the surrogate. It’s her-it’s her egg and her sperm, and I’m-I’m just the oven, it’s totally their bun. Joey: Huh. Monica: What did you tell them? Phoebe: Well, they said that I had to think about it first, but what is there to think about? I’m gonna be giving them the greatest gift you can possibly give. Chandler: You’re gonna be carrying their baby and give them a Sony Play Station? Rachel: Honey, this really is an incredible thing to do for them, but there are things to think about. Monica: Yeah, like you’re gonna be pregnant. I mean pregnant. Phoebe: I know! Ross: Pheebs, you’re talking about putting your body through an awful lot, I mean morning sickness, uhh, labour, and it’s all for somebody else! Phoebe: Yeah, what’s your point? Ross: Well, the stuff I just mentioned. Rachel: Wow! I don’t know if I could ever do that. I always figured the first time I had a baby was with somebody I love and that baby would be a…keeper. Phoebe: Y'know you guys were a lot more supportive when I wanted to make denim furniture. Joey: No, Pheebs, listen, if you decide to do this, we’ll be supportive like crazy. All: Yeah. Monica: We just want you to think it through. Rachel: Yeah, honey, maybe you can talk to somebody who’s had a baby. Like your mom? Phoebe: My mom never gave birth. Oh! But my birth mom did. Kathy: Umm, I love this touchy. Can I take it to work with me? Chandler: Oh, yeah, sure, it’s not mine anyway. It can with the pants. Kathy: Oh! Monica: I am so jealous. Rachel: You guys are really right…there aren’t you? Chandler: Yes. Right where? Monica: In the beginning where y’know it’s all sex and talking and sex and talking and… Chandler: Yeah, you-you gotta love the talking. Monica: And the sex? Chandler: All right, we haven’t had sex yet. Okay, what’s the big deal? Y’know? This is special, and I want our love to grow until we move on to the next level. Rachel: Oh, Chandler that is so nice. Ross: That is really nice…lying! No way is that the reason! Rachel: Why? Just because you’re not mature enough to understand something like that?! Chandler: No, he’s right, I’m totally lying. Monica: Then what is it? Chandler: Well, Kathy’s last boyfriend was Joey. Ross: And you’re afraid you won’t be able to…fill his shoes. Chandler: No, I’m afraid I won’t be able to make love as well as him. Ross: Yeah, I was going for the metaphor. Chandler: Yes, and I was saying the actual words. Monica: So big deal, so Joey’s had a lot of girlfriends, it doesn’t mean he’s great in bed. Chandler: We share a wall! So either he’s great in bed, or she just likes to agree with him a lot. Monica: Sweetie, with you it’s gonna be different. The sex is gonna be great, ‘cause you-you guys are in love. Chandler: Yeah? Rachel: Yeah! Ross: Just go for it Chandler. Monica: Yeah, you should. Rachel: Yeah, you should, really. Monica: Go on. Chandler: All right, all right, I’ll go sleep with my girlfriend. But I’m just doing it for you guys. Joey: Okay, now the Mastodon is from the semi-late Jurassic period. Smart Kid: Isn’t the Mastodon from the Pliocene Epic? Joey: Shhh! This is a museum, no talking. Right down here, Okay, moving right along. Come on. Phoebe Sr: It’s open! Come in! Phoebe: Hi! Phoebe Sr: Hi! Phoebe: I’m sorry, I’m late. Phoebe Sr: Oh, that’s okay, it gave me time to finish glazing my nipples. Phoebe: Wow! You really go all out when you’re expecting company. Phoebe Sr: No, I was working on my pottery. Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Oh, I didn’t know that you did…pot. Phoebe Sr: Well, yeah, mostly nudes. It combines my two passions, pottery and erotica. Phoebe: Ooh, erotiery! Phoebe Sr: Hey! Okay! Well thanks for coming out to see me. I just-I just thought it would be a very good idea to talk about this baby stuff in person. Y’know… Phoebe: Okay. Phoebe Sr: I really don’t think it’s a very good idea, Phoebe. Phoebe: Why not? Phoebe Sr: Well, because you’d be giving up a baby, and I-I really don’t—I don’t know if there’s anything I can say that could make you understand the pain of giving up a baby. So, umm, Phoebe: Oh no! No-no! I understand the pain! Don’t-don’t hurt the puppy. Phoebe Sr: No-no-no, the-the puppy’s yours. Phoebe: Oh, I get a puppy!! Phoebe Sr: Well, yeah! I mean yeah, but only for three days. Phoebe: Why? Phoebe Sr: I realise I don’t have any right to start get all parenty on you and everything now, but umm, uhh… Phoebe, would you please look at me and not the puppy, it’s very important. Phoebe: Okay. Phoebe Sr: I mean, I know what I’m talking about. I gave up two babies, and I only wish I had someone there that had given up babies, that could tell me how terrible it is to give up babies. I just think that, it would be something you will regret every single day for the rest of your life. So, how ever hard it is to give up this puppy, it would be like a million times harder to give up a child. I really shouldn’t have given you the puppy first. Phoebe: All right, I’m sorry. Joey: Uhh, do you mind sitting there. I’m-I’m saving this for my friend Ross. Tour Guide: You mean Dr. Geller? Joey: Doctor? Wow! I didn’t know he had a nickname. Tour Guide: Oh, he won’t sit here. Only the people in the white coats sit over there, and only the people in the blue blazers sit here. Joey: Well, how-how come? Tour Guide: That’s just the way it is. Joey: That’s crazy. Tour Guide: Maybe it’s crazy in a perfect world, a world without lab coats and blazers, but you not in a perfect world, you in a museum now. See that scientist in the classes, he and I used to play together all the time in grade school, but now… See, he pretend he don’t even here me! Joey: I-I think everybody’s pretending they don’t hear you. Anyway, look, I don’t know about you and your jackets and your separate tables, but Ross is one of my best friends, and if I save him a seat, I’m telling you, he will sit in it! Ross! Ross! Over here, man! I-I saved you seat. Ross: That’s okay, I’m cool over here. I’ll catch up with you later, Joey. Tour Guide: Op, this is saved. Gift shop. Commercial Break Ross: Hey, uh, I’m really, really sorry about what happened in the cafeteria today. Joey: It’s no big deal. Hey, y’know, you do what you gotta do. Right? Ross: But hey, it’s not just me, I mean the scientists and the tour guides never sit together. Joey: Whatever. Ross: It’s like that everywhere, Joey! Okay, Mon, back me up here. Where you work the uh, waiters eat with the waiters, right? And the chefs eat with the other chefs, right? Monica: I eat by myself in the alley because everybody hates me. Joey: Look, Ross, really it’s-it’s no big deal. Y’know you wear a white coat, I wear a blue blazer, if that means we can’t be friends at work, then so be it. Y’know, hey I understand. Y’know? Hey, when I’m in a play and you’re in the audience, I don’t talk to you, right? So it’s y’know, it’s uh, it’s cool. I’ll see you tomorrow. Rachel: Yeah, when we’re in the audience he doesn’t talk to us, but he does wave. Chandler: Hi. Monica: Hey! Chandler: Why is Phoebe singing to Carl Mulden? Phoebe: Ooh, y’know what, I think it’s time for puppy to go out again. Come on, let’s go to the balcony. Monica: What?! Phoebe: Umm, the street. Come on, let’s go to the street. Ooh, listen, don’t go onto the balcony until after I get back. Monica: So, did you do it? Chandler: Yes, yes, we had the sex. Monica: Uh-oh, it was bad? Chandler: It was fine, y’know? But she didn’t agree with me as strongly as she agreed with Joey. She was more like, "I see you point, I’m all right with it." Monica: Well, it was the first time. Y’know, there’s not always a lot of agreement the first time. Rachel: Yeah, not girls anyway, guys agree like that. Chandler: Look, you have to help me! Okay? I mean, I know what to do with a woman, y’know, I know where everything goes, it’s always nice. But I need to know what makes it go from nice to, "My God! Somebody’s killing her in there!" Monica: All right, I’m gonna show you something a lot of guys don’t know. Rach, give me that pad, please? All right. Now… Chandler: Look, you don’t have to draw an actual wo—whoa! She’s hot! Monica: Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. , five, six, and seven! Chandler: There are seven?! Rachel: Let me see that. Oh, yeah. Chandler: That’s one? Monica: It’s kind of an important one! Chandler: Oh, y’know-y’know what, I was looking at it upside down. Rachel: Well, y’know, sometimes that helps. Monica: Now, most guys will hit uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set up camp. Chandler: That-that’s bad? Rachel: Well if you go to Disneyland, you don’t spend the whole day on the Materhorn. Chandler: Well you might if it were anything like 7! Monica: All right uh, the important thing is to take your time, you want to hit ‘em all, and you mix ‘em up. You gotta keep them on their toes. Rachel: Oo, toes!! Well, for some people. Monica: All right. Umm, you could uh start out with a little 1, a 2, a 1-2-3, 3, 5, a 4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-4-6, 2-4-6, 4, Older Scientist: Dr. Geller, there’s a seat over here. Ross: Thank you, Dr. Phillips, but I’m having my lunch at this table, here in the middle. I’m having lunch right here, with my good friend Joey, if he’ll sit with me. Joey: Ross: Y'know, we work in a museum of natural history, and yet there is something unnatural about the way we eat lunch. Now, I look around this cafeteria, and y’know what I see, I see-I see division. Division, between people in white coats and people in blue blazers, and I ask myself, "My God why?!" Now, I say we shed these-these coats that separate us, and we get to know the people underneath. I’m Ross! I’m divorced, and I have a kid! Joey: I’m Joey! I’m an actor! I don’t know squat about dinosaurs! Another Tour Guide: I’m Ted, and I just moved here a month ago, and New York really scares me. Ross: All right, there you go! Joey: Yeah, you hang in there Teddy! Older Scientist: I’m Andrew, and I didn’t pay for this pear. Ross: Okay, good-good for you. Tour Guide: I’m Rhonda, Ross: Wow, Rhonda. Another Scientist: I’m Scott. Ross: Yeah, okay, Scott! Another Scientist: And I need to flip the light switch on and off 17 times before I leave a room or my family will die. Phoebe: My mom’s gonna be here any minute. I can’t do this, I can’t give him up. Yes—no, I can. I don’t want to. But I can. No. Rachel: Oo, I can’t watch this, it’s like Sophie’s Choice. Monica: Y’know, I never saw that. Rachel: Ooh, it was only okay. Phoebe: Ooh, I can’t do this. My mom was right. If I can’t-if I can’t give him up, then there’s no way I can give up a baby. Ohh, God, Frank and Alice are gonna be so crushed. What-what else, what else can I give ‘em—a kidney! Alice: Hi! Frank: Hi! Alice: Uhh, we were just in the neighbourhood, so… Frank: Yeah, so we just thought we’d stop by and let you know there’s still no pressure. Alice: None. But if there was something you wanted to tell us, we’re just gonna be right over there having coffee. Phoebe: Okay. Frank: Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Umm! Frank: Oh, he’s so cute, he reminds me of my old dog, Tumour. Alice: You are so precious, I could just take you home. Phoebe: Hey, why don’t you? Frank: Are you serious? Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah! Frank: Oh, thanks. Monica: What are you doing? Phoebe: No, I’m really okay with this. Y’know why? ‘Cause look at them, and I made that, so… I know it’s gonna be like a million times harder to give up a baby but, oh my God, it’s gonna feel like a million times better, right? I wanna do this. I wanna carry your baby. Alice: Oh! Oh! Oh! Thank you so much! You don’t know what this means to us! Oh! Frank: Oh my God, I think I’m gonna cry! Monica: It’s gonna be so great. Phoebe Sr: Hi! What’s going on? Phoebe: Oh, I-I gave them the puppy and it made them so happy that I decided I’m gonna carry their baby. Phoebe Sr: But Phoebe… Phoebe: No-no-no, I know, but you and I are different people though, and this is a totally different situation, and I know that I am not gonna regret this. Phoebe Sr: Oh, I-I-I understand all that, but it’s just—that was my puppy. Phoebe: Oh! Closing Credits Monica: Would you ever be a surrogate for anyone? Rachel: It depends on who asked. Monica: What if I asked? Rachel: Oh, Mon, sure. Monica: Really? Rachel: Yes. You’re not asking are you? Monica: No. Rachel: Yes! Totally! Kathy: Oh! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Yes! Thank you! End Written by: Jill Condon & Amy Toomin Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Rachel: What the hell is that?!! Monica: Boy, you are really not a morning person. Rachel: Get up! Get up! Get up! God damn it! Get up, get up, get up, get up, get up!! Rachel: What is that noise? Chandler: You! Joey: It’s the chick! She’s…going through some changes. Monica: What kind of changes? Chandler: Well the vet seems to think that’s she’s becoming a rooster. We’re getting a second opinion. Opening Credits Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Hey, what are you doing shopping at eight in the morning? Rachel: Well, I’ve been up since six. Thanks to somebody’s dumb-ass rooster. Phoebe: You guys you really should get rid of those animals. They shouldn’t be living in an apartment. Rachel: Yeah! Especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around… Phoebe: All right. I’m gonna go to the fertility doctor and um, see if I’m ready to have Frank and Alice’s embryo transferred into my uterus. Ross: Now, how will they know if you’re ready? Phoebe: Oh, they’re just gonna umm, look to see if my endometria layer is thick. Chandler: Oh, I can uh, check that for ya. Phoebe: Okay everyone, think thick. All: Good-bye! Good luck! Phoebe: Hi! Wish me luck! Monica: Oh, good luck. Joey: Good luck. And I’m still right! Monica: That is sooo not true! Rachel: What? Joey: She’s mad because I know today’s her laundry day and that means she’s wearing her old lady underpants. Chandler: I can check that for ya. Monica: I just—I can’t believe that you think that you and Chandler know me and Rachel better than we know you. Chandler: Well… we-we do. You can only eat Tic Tacks in even numbers. Joey: Yeah, what’s that about? Chandler: And you… Ross, I believe, if you check Rachel’s bag you will find a half-eaten box of cookies in there. Ross: These are not. Rachel: I’m so not impressed. Everybody snacks when they shop. Monica: Yeah. Joey: Oh yeah? Ross, how many items left in that bag? Ross: Five. Chandler: Okay, ten bucks says that we can name every item in that bag. Rachel: How many guesses do you get? Joey: Six. Ross: Challenge extended. Monica: Deal! Ross: Challenge excepted. Joey: All right, we’ll start with…apples. Ross: We’ll be starting with apples. Chandler: Stop that now! Chandler: Yes! Joey: Okay. Uhh, tortilla chips, yogurt. Chandler: Diet soda. Ross: Yes. Yes. Yes. Chandler: Orange juice. Rachel: No! There’s no orange juice in there! We win!! Monica: Ha-ha! Ross: They have another guess. Rachel: Okay, well, we won that one. Joey: Okay, the last thing… Chandler: Oh-oh, oh, oh-oh! Joey: No-no, not for like another two weeks. Chandler: I got it! Scotch… tape. Ross: How did you know she would buy scotch tape? Chandler: Well, we used there’s up last night making scary faces. Monica: Aww, man! Chandler: All right! Ten buck! Fork it over! Cough it up! Pay the piper! Gimme it. Monica: That does not mean you know us better, I-I want a rematch. Rachel: Yeah, and none of these stupid grocery questions, real personal questions. Monica: Yeah! And the winner gets a hundred bucks. Joey: Serious? Monica: Are you scared? Joey: No! All right, who-who makes up the questions? Monica: Ross will do it. Ross: Oh sure, "Ross will do it!" It’s not like he has a job, or a child, or a life of his own. Rachel: Fine! We’ll ask Phoebe. Ross: No-no-no, I-I wanna play. Dr. Zane: It looks like your uterus is ready for implantation. Phoebe: Oh! I knew it! I knew it! I felt really thick this morning. Frank: Well, okay, so what’s now—go get, go get the eggs, put ‘em in there. Dr. Zane: Okay, it’ll take just a little while to prepare the embryos. Phoebe: Embryossss? As in, "More than one?" Dr. Zane: Um-hmm, five actually. Phoebe: Five? Okay, where am I giving birth, a hospital or a big box under the stairs? Dr. Zane: We do five because that gives you a 25% chance that at least one will attach. Phoebe: That’s it! 25 percent? That means that’s it’s like 75 percent chance of no baby at all! Frank: Hey, y’know I was thinking, what are the odds like if-if, if you stuff like 200 of them in there? Alice: Sweety, now, she’s a woman, not a gumball machine. Phoebe: Okay, well y’know what, don’t worry you guys, ‘cause I’m-I’m gonna do this as many times as it takes to get it right. Frank: Well, you see, the-the thing is, we-we only got, we kinda have one shot to make it right. Alice: Umm, it costs $16,000 each time you do this. So, umm, we’re kinda using all the money we have to do it just this one time. Phoebe: Whoa!! That—okay, that’s a lot of pressure on me and my uterus. So, well okay, so is there—is maybe is there something that I can do y’know just to like help make sure I get pregnant? Dr. Zane: No, I’m sorry. Phoebe: Wow! You guys really don’t know anything! Frank: I know! Why don’t you get drunk! That worked for a lot of girls in my high school. Monica: You guys! Do you realize that any minute now, Phoebe can be pregnant? Joey: Huh. Rachel: I know! I know, it’s such a huge, life-altering thing. Joey: I know. Ross: The test is ready. All: Yeah! Yes! Ross: Okay, each team will answer ten questions. The first team that answers the most questions wins. Okay, the categories are, Fears and Pet Peeves, Ancient History, Literature, and It’s All Relative. Now, the coin toss to see who goes first. Okay, somebody call it this time. All: Oh yeah! Rachel: Tails! Ross: It’s heads. Gentlemen, pick your category. Chandler: Fears and Pet Peeves. Ross: What is Monica’s biggest pet peeve? Joey: Animals dressed as humans. Ross: That’s correct. Ladies? Monica: Same category? Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejeezus out of him? Monica: Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance! Ross: That is correct. Joey: The Irish gig guy?! Chandler: His legs flail about as if independent of his body! Ross: Gentlemen, you’re pick. Joey: It’s All Relative. Ross: Monica and I have a grandmother who died, you both went to her funeral, name that grandmother! Joey: Nana? Chandler: She has a real name. Joey: Althea! Chandler: Althea?! What are you doing?! Joey: I took a shot. Chandler: You're shooting with Althea?! Ross: Althea is correct. Chandler: Nice shooting! Rachel: We’ll take Literature!! Ross: Every week, the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey’s apartment. What name appears on the address label? Rachel: Chandler gets it! It’s Chandler Bing! Monica: No!! Ross: I’m afraid the TV Guide comes to Chinandolor Bong. Monica: I knew that! Rachel! Use you’re head! Chandler: Actually, it’s Miss Chinandolor Bong. Phoebe: Hello, tiny embryos. Well, I’m-I’m Phoebe Buffay, hi! I’m-I’m-I’m hoping to be your uterus for the next nine months. You should know, that we’re doing this for Frank and Alice, who you know, you’ve been there! Umm, y’know they want you so much, so when you guys get in there, really grab on. Okay, and-and I promise that I’ll keep you safe and warm until you’re ready to have them take you home, so… Oh! And also, umm next time you see me, I’m screaming, don’t worry, that’s what’s supposed to happen. Dr. Zane: Ready? Phoebe: Uh-huh. Good luck. Ross: All right, the score is nine to eight in favor of the guys. Ladies if you miss this the game is theirs, pick your category. Rachel: It’s All Relative!! Ross: You don’t have to shout everything. Rachel: I’m sorry! Ross: Ooh. What is the name of Chandler’s father’s Las Vegas all-male burlesque? Monica: Viva Las Gaygas! Chandler: Unfortunately that is correct. The Girls: Yes!! Ross: All right, we have a tie. Luckily, I have prepared for such an event. The Lightning Round! All: Ohhhh. Ross: Thirty seconds, all the questions you can answer. Monica: You guys are dead, I am so good at lighting rounds. Chandler: I majored in lightning rounds. All right, we’re gonna destroy you. Monica: Huh, wanna bet? Chandler: Well, I’m so confused as to what we’ve been doing so far… Monica: How about we play for more money, say 150? Ross: 150 dollars. Chandler: Say 200? Ross: 200 dollars. Monica: You’re doing it again. Ross: Excuse me. Rachel: Monica, I don’t want to lose 200 dollars. Monica: We won’t. 300? Rachel: Monica?! Monica: I’m just trying to spice it up! Rachel: Okay, so let’s play for some pepper! Stop spending my money! Monica: I got it! How about, if we win, they have to get rid of the rooster? Rachel: Oooohh that’s interesting. Joey: Hey, no way, that rooster’s family! Rachel: Throw in the duck too! Joey: What do you have against the duck?! He doesn’t make any noise! Rachel: Well, he gets the other one all riled up. Joey: Look, we are not gonna… Chandler: All right, hold on! If you win, we give up the birds. Joey: Chandler: But if we win, we get your apartment. Joey: Oooooh! Monica: Deal! Commercial Break Rachel: Monica, betting the apartment, I don’t know about this. Monica: Rachel, I have not missed one question the whole game. I own this game! Look at my hand. Rachel: Why? Do you have the answers written on there? Monica: No! Steady as a rock! Now, are you with me. Rachel: All right, let’s do it. Monica: Come on! Rachel: Okay. Ross: All right, gentlemen, you’re up first. Joey: Okay. Chandler: Okay. Ross: You have 30 seconds. And the lightning round begins—stop it —now. What was Monica’s nickname when she was a field hockey goalie? Joey: Big fat goalie. Ross: Correct. Rachel claims this is her favorite movie… Chandler: Dangerous Liaisons. Ross: Correct. Her actual favorite movie is... Joey: Weekend at Bernie’s. Ross: Correct. In what part of her body did Monica get a pencil stuck at age 14? Chandler: Oh! Ross: Eww! No!! Her ear! All right, Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there? Joey: Everyday use. Chandler: Fancy. Joey: Guest. Chandler: Fancy guest. Ross: Two seconds… Joey: Uhh, 11! Ross: 11, unbelievable 11 is correct. All right, that’s 4 for the guys. Ladies, you’re up. Rachel: All right! Monica: Come on! Ross: 30 seconds on the clock. 5 questions wins the game. The lightning round begins…now! What is Joey’s favorite food? Monica: Sandwiches! Ross: Correct. Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl’s breast? Rachel: 14? Ross: No, 19. Chandler: Thanks man. Ross: Joey, had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was? Monica: Maurice. Ross: Correct, his profession was? Rachel: Space cowboy! Ross: Correct! What is Chandler Bing’s job? Rachel: Oh gosh, it has something to do with numbers. Monica: And processing. Rachel: He carries a briefcase. Ross: 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game. Monica: It’s umm, it has something to do with transponding. Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, he’s a transponce—transpondster! Monica: That’s not even a word! I can get this! I can get this! Monica: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Rachel: Oh my God. Chandler and Joey: YEAH!!! YES!!! Joey: I call Monica’s room! Chandler: You can’t just call Monica’s room. Joey: Sure I can, standard shotgun rules, I’m sight of the room and I called it. Monica: Man, I feel like I’m coming down with something. Joey: What? Monica: Yeah. I bet you can’t guess what color my tonsils are? I’ll bet the apartment! Chandler: Oh, I would never bet this apartment. It’s too nice. Phoebe: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey—ooh Pheebs, are they in there? Phoebe: Umm, yeah, uh-huh, they’re implanted. Monica: How do you feel? Phoebe: Well, freaked. ‘Cause it turns out that the odds are really sucky. And! This is Frank and Alice’s like only shot. Like, they are literally putting all of their eggs in my basket. Chandler: Yeah, but I bet it works. Monica: Really?! How much?! Phoebe: All right, I’m gonna go take a pregnancy test, right now. Joey: Oh wow! You can tell this soon. Phoebe: Well the doctor says it takes a couple days, but my body’s always been a little faster than Western medicine. Rachel: Oh my God! I can’t believe you guys are actually think you’re moving in here! Chandler: Well believe it baby! Rachel: Well I-I-I’m not moving. Joey: What?! Rachel: No, it was a stupid bet! We were just playing a game! Joey: You can’t just ignore the bet! It’s a bet! You bet and you bet and if you lose, you lose the bet! Monica: Look Rach, we have to move. I mean if they had lost, we would’ve made them get rid of the birds. Right? Rachel: Noooo. Monica: All right, look, I hate this as much as you, but if it makes you feel better, it’s all your fault. Rachel: What?! Monica: Chinadolor Bong, come on, we steal that TV Guide every week! Chandler: I knew it! Rachel: I don’t care, I’m not going anywhere. Chandler: Cool, girl roommate. Monica: Well? Phoebe: Nope, not knocked up yet. Monica: It’s only been a couple of hours, so just give it some time. Phoebe: Yeah, all right. Meanwhile, I’m gonna do whatever I can to help this so, I’m just gonna y’know, lie it your chair, Y'know? Yeah, good, I’m let gravity y’know, do its jobs. Monica: Hey, Rach, can you give me a hand with this box? Rachel: No! Put that box down! We are not going anywhere! This is my apartment and I like it! This is a girl’s apartment! That is a boy’s apartment, it’s dirty and it smells. This is pretty. It’s-it’s so pretty! And look, and it’s-it’s purple! And I’m telling you, you with the steady hand, I am not moving, and now I have got the steady hand. Monica: I’ll take care of it. Rachel: That’s right! You do what the hand says! Rachel: How did it go? Monica: I lost our mattresses. Phoebe: "Are you in there little fetus?                              In nine will you come great us?                              I will buy you some Adidas." Monica: Hey! Frank and Alice: Hi! Alice: Hi, Phoebe! We were just at the drugstore and we got you a little present. Phoebe: Oh. Oh. Frank: Umm, it’s a lollipop and a uh, a home pregnancy test. Monica: Hey, don’t mix those up, you could really ruin that lollipop. Alice: So umm, you feel like taking a test? There’s only one question. Phoebe: All right, I will. No, I will. But umm, y’know just remember that it’s still really early, okay so, if it says that I’m not pregnant, that doesn’t mean that I’m not gonna get pregnant, okay and, and just please, just so I don’t go completely nuts, just try not put all your hopes on this. Alice: Okay. Frank: Okay. Phoebe: Great. Rachel: Y’know what, you are mean boys, who are just being mean! Joey: Hey, don’t get mad at us! No one forced you to raise the stakes! Rachel: That is not true. She did! She forced me! Monica: Hey, we would still be living here if hadn’t gotten the question wrong! Rachel: Well it stupid, unfair question! Ross: Don’t blame the questions! Chandler: Would you all stop yelling in our apartment! You are ruining moving day for us! Rachel: Will you stop calling it your apartment! Joey: But it is our apartment! Rachel: No it’s not! Phoebe: You guys! You guys! You’re gonna have a baby! They’re gonna have a baby! Frank: MY SISTER’S GONNA HAVE MY BABY!!!!!!! Phoebe: Okay, but this can’t be good for the baby. All: Oh! Closing Credits Monica: I can’t find garbage bags! Rachel: Oh, I think I saw some in here. Monica: What is it?! Rachel: I don’t know! But maybe if we keep that drawer shut, it’ll die. Monica: I can’t believe we’re living here! Chandler: What?! What-what is it?! Joey: Did you see the size of the closets?! Chandler: I can’t believe we live here! Chandler and Joey: Awwwww!! Awwwwwww!!! End Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Chandler: Okay, she is the star of the play. And she is my girlfriend! I get to have sex with the star of the play! Ross: People can hear you. Chandler: I know!! Chandler: Wow! She looks great. Doesn’t she? Ross: Yeah. Kathy's Co-Star: Hi! Kathy: Hi! Ross: That is one good looking man! Chandler: Is it just me, or can you actually see his abs through his overcoat?! Kathy's Co-Star: Sooo, you’ve been doing this long? Kathy: No, you’re my first. Put the money on the table. Kathy's Co-Star: Oh, yeah! Ooh, that’s nice. Ross: Dude! Kathy's Co-Star: Is that an expensive blouse? Kathy: If you want it to be. Ross: Here’s your girlfriend’s button. Opening Credits Phoebe: Oh, hey, Mon, do you still have your like old blouses and dresses from high school? Monica: Yeah, I think I have some around here somewhere. Why? Phoebe: Well, it’s just that maternity clothes are so expensive. Monica: Hey, Rach! I made a pile of your stuff over on this side of the room. If you could just……throw your purses at it. Rachel: Bloomingdale’s eliminated my department. Monica: Oh my God, are you out of a job? Rachel: No, but they stuck me in personal shopping. Which is just a huge step down! Phoebe: Personal shopping? What is that? Like where you walk around with snooty rich people and tell them what to buy? Rachel: Uh-huh. Phoebe: That sounds great! Joey: Monica: Umm, excuse me, we switched apartments. You can’t eat are food anymore, that-that gravy train had ended. Joey: There’s gravy? Monica: If you have the big apartment you have to deal with people coming over all the time. That fridge has got to be stocked, okay, that’s your department now. Monica: What are you doing? Joey: I think I left a donut up here. Ross: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Hey! Phoebe: Ooh! How was Kathy’s play? Ross: Well, Kathy gets half-naked and simulates sex with a real good lookin’ guy. Chandler: Yeah, it’s like someone literally wrote down my worst nightmare and then charged me $32 to see it! Phoebe: That’s a good idea for a business! Chandler: I’m totally screwed. Okay, they are gonna be hot and heavy on stage every night, and then they’re gonna go to their cast parties and he’s gonna try to undermine me. Y'know it’ll be like, "So where’s your boyfriend, what’s-his-name, Chester?" And she’ll go, "No-no-no, it’s Chandler." And he’ll go, "Whatever. Ha-ha-ha-ha!" Joey: That-that is a good trick. Chandler: All right, look, look, what am I gonna do? Joey: Chandler, look they’re actors. They’re there to do a job, just ‘cause they work together, doesn’t mean they’re gonna get together. I mean just ‘cause it happened with Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, it doesn’t mean it’s gonna happen with them. Ross: Oh-oh, Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger. Joey: Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. Ross: Yeah. Phoebe: Hey, Mel Gibson and Clint Eastwood. Ross: They’re not a couple! Phoebe: Oh-okay, I get the game now. Joey: Okay look, look, let me ask you a question, when they were doing it on stage, was it like really hot? Ross: Oh yeah! Joey: Well okay, so then you’re fine. The rule is when two actors are actually doing it off-stage all the sexual tension between them is gone. Okay? So as long as it’s hot onstage you got nothing to worry about. It’s when the heat goes away, that’s when you’re in trouble. Chandler: Really? Joey: Look, you guys have been to every play I’ve ever been in, have I ever had chemistry on stage? Ross: No. Joey: Noooo!! Chandler: So uh, man, are you gonna go to the play with me tonight? Ross: Y’know what, I don’t know how comfortable I am going to see how hot the sex is between some guy and your girlfriend. Chandler: Yeah, I know but… Ross: Oh no-no-no, I’m there. Monica: Hey! Joey: Hey Mon! Want some pancakes? Monica: You made pancakes? Joey: Yep! Grab a plate. Monica: Okay. Joey: No-no, stay right there. Gettin’ closer. Chandler: Okay, okay, but don’t worry, because we also have cereals, muffins, waffles, and, jams, jellies, and marmalades. Which I’m fairly certain are the same thing. Joey: Listen also we’re uh, we’re watching the game here Saturday night, if people want to come over. Ross: Oh yeah! Monica: Oh, I was thinking about having people over for the game. Joey: Oh yeah, who’s playing? Monica: The players. Ross: Somebody seems to be missing being the hostess. Monica: Please, it’s a relief is what it is, is what it is. Joey: All right Pheebs, stick out your plate! Phoebe: Oh. Rachel: Oh! Mr. Waltham, I ah really need to talk to you. Mr. Waltham: In a moment, please, I’m in the middle of a task. And you have a customer. Rachel: Hi! Joshua: Hi, I’m Joshua. Rachel: Hi, I’m Rachel Green. What can I do for you Joshua? Joshua: Well, I need a whole new wardrobe. My wife, well my ex-wife… Rachel: Oh, I’m so sorry. Joshua: Anyway, she burned all of my clothes. I got away with two things. This suit and what turned out to be a skirt. Rachel: Well, at least that’s a great suit. Joshua: Yeah, but it wasn’t much fun dropping it off at the dry cleaners in the skirt. So I need everything down to underwear, so if you’re willing, I’m all yours. Rachel: Okay. Mr. Waltham: Rachel, you needed to speak to me? Rachel: No-no, that wasn’t me! The selection of underwear we carry. Rachel: Oh-oh, sorry, it’s this way, it’s this way. Joshua: It’s this way? Sorry. Chandler: I’m right! Right? There was like no chemistry between them. Before they had heat, and now there’s no heat! Now you know what this means, Joey told us what this means! Ross: All right, let’s not jump to any conclusions. All right? There was some sexual chemistry between them. Chandler: Come on, it was like cousins having sex up there! Ross: Here she comes. Don’t say a word, okay? Just be cool, don’t be…y'know you. Kathy: Hey you guys! Ross: Hey! Kathy: Hi! Thank you so much for coming again. Did you like it tonight? Ross: Oh, absolutely! Kathy: Wasn’t Nick funny when he couldn’t get his match lit? Kathy: It’s a good play, isn’t it? Chandler: Oh, I loved the play. You were great, and Nick ditto. Clearly you’re having sex with him. Ross: Okay, I… Kathy: Clearly, I’m having sex with him? Chandler: Oh come on, it was so obvious! There was no chemistry between you two! Kathy: Okay, so let me just get this straight. You’re accusing me of cheating on you, and insulting my performance? Chandler: Y’know, I-I could see how this could happen, y'know you’re up there every night, you’re naked, touching, kissing. Kathy: Acting! Chandler, this is my job! I’m-I’m playing a part in a play! How can you not trust me?! Chandler: Well, you can understand, given how we started. Kathy: Oh, wow. I can’t believe you’re throwing that in my face. Chandler: Well, that is what happened, and I don’t even see you denying this! Kathy: I’ll tell you what, Chandler, why don’t you call me when you grow up! Chandler: Yeah, well, don’t expect that to happen anytime soon! Commercial Break Rachel: I have the best job in the entire world! The most adorable guy came over today, and I got to dress him up all day! Phoebe: Rachel has a new doll. Rachel: Oh, I wish he was a doll, then I could get a Rachel doll and bump them together and make kissy noises. Oh! And he has the most beautiful name, I never realised it, Joshua! Josh-u-a! Joshua! Josh. Ross: Uh, hello! Rachel: Hi-e!! Phoebe: Ooh, what do I smell? Joey: I don’t know, it smells good. Monica: Fresh cookies! Hot from the oven! Phoebe: Ooh! Monica: Please, have some! Ross: Oh, yumm! Monica: Yeah, I’ve just been fiddling around in here making delicious treats for everyone. Joey: Wow! The new Playboy! Monica: Yeah, it’s just something I picked up. Ross: Cookies and porn, you’re the best mom ever!! Phoebe: What? What? Rachel: Well, it was just something Josh said about v-necks, but you had to be there. Ross: Yeah, how does Jason look in a v-neck? Rachel: It’s Joshua. Ross: Oh, whatever. Monica: Wait! Wait! This isn’t take-out! Phoebe: Well, I hate to eat and run, but… Monica: No, wait, please don’t go! I’ve got porn for you too! Phoebe: Yeah, I don’t need it. Monica: People are supposed to wanna hang out here! Rachel: Why? Honey, what is the big deal? Monica: I’m the hostess! Not those guys! I’m always the hostess! I mean, I was always the hostess, I mean even when I was little, I mean the girls brought their dollies to my tea party, I-I served the best air. Phoebe: Well, why did you make like a whole big thing out of y'know, everyone has to hang out in the big apartment? Monica: ‘Cause they took our apartment, I wanted to punish them. But I’m-I’m done now. They’ve suffered enough. Phoebe: If you wanted to punish them, you should’ve just made them hang out here! Rachel: Yeah, that’s true. Monica: All right then, when I’m done with this place, it’s gonna be ten times better than that place! Phoebe: Oh, are we gonna trash that place? Chandler: Steps! You will all be very happy to hear that Kathy is sleeping with that guy! All: What?! Ross: So you were right? Chandler: I confronted her, and she didn’t deny it! Ross: Chandler! Rachel: Chandler, what did she say? Phoebe: Wait a minute. Joey: Come here. Monica: Are you sure? Chandler: Well, I may be drunk, but I know what she said! Then I went over to Beefsteak Julie’s… Rachel: Beefsteak Charlie’s? Chandler: Yes! See you and I have always been like— Rachel: Whoops. Oh, hey, do you need help with that? Monica: Nah, I got it. Rachel: Ooh, I just feel bad, I never vacuum. Rachel: Hi! All: Hey! Rachel: So I was with Joshua for an hour today, and he has not asked me out. It’s just so frustrating! Phoebe: Why don’t you ask him out? Joey: Oh, yeah, totally! That’s such a turn-on! Rachel: Really? It doesn’t seem desperate? Joey: Oh-ooh, that’s the turn-on. Phoebe: He just got a divorce right? Rachel: Hmm-mmm. Phoebe: So he’s probably really nervous around women, y'know? Maybe, you just have to make the first move. Rachel: Yeah but, I’ve never asked a guy out before. Phoebe: You’ve never asked a guy out?!! Rachel: No. Have you? Phoebe: Thousands of times!! That doesn’t make me sound too good does it? Rachel: I don’t even know how I would go about it. Joey: Oh-oh-oh-oh, how I do it is, I look a woman up and down and say, "Hey, how you doin’?" Phoebe: Oh, please! Joey: Hey, how you doin’? Rachel: You know what, I’m gonna do that, I’m gonna call him up, and I’m gonna ask him out. I can do that. Ask him out. You’ve done that a thousand times? Phoebe: I’ve never done that. Rachel: Ohh, God, I just got so nervous that he would say no. Joey: Well, you gotta give him something that he can’t say no too. Like uh, Knicks tickets! Invite the guy to a Knicks game, you’re guaranteed he’ll say yes! Rachel: Really?! You think that will work? Joey: Absolutely! And if it doesn’t, can I get the extra ticket? Joey: What the heck is that? Chandler: Did she call? Phoebe: No, sorry. Chandler: All right, maybe I should call her. Joey: No! Forget her, man! You don’t need her, you don’t need that! Ross: He’s right, what she did was unforgivable. Chandler: Well, yeah, but y'know, what-what if I was wrong? Ross: How might you be wrong? Chandler: Well y'know, what if she didn’t actually sleep with the guy? Joey: Dude, tell me she actually told you this. Chandler: She did not have to tell me, I saw the play, and there was no heat. Back me up here, Ross! Ross: That’s all you’re basing this on? Chandler: That’s not backing me up! Look, you said with the off-stage and the heat, and the onstage and the oy heat. Joey: Whoa-whoa, that-that was just a theory! There’s a lot of theories that didn’t pan out. The lone gunman. Communism. Geometry. Chandler: Oh my God!! Rachel: Would you like to go to a basketball game with me? Joshua: What do you think? Rachel: Oh! Well, as a single woman, who is available, I think you look great! Joshua: Huh. Yeah? Rachel: Yep. Oh, yeah, look you great. Umm, so you like it? Joshua: I do. I do. I love it. In fact, I think I’m gonna wear it home. Rachel: Great. Joshua: All right, thank you so much for all your help. Rachel: Sure. Joshua: Well, I guess this is uh, I guess this is it. Rachel: Yeah-eah-ha! Joshua: Thanks. Maybe I’ll see in the spring, with the uh, y’know, for the uh, bathing suits. Rachel: Oh well, you don’t want to do that now?! Joshua: Ah, that’s okay, thanks. Rachel: Okay. Joshua: Anyway, hopefully, I’ll see you around sometime. Rachel: Basketball! Joshua: I’m sorry. Rachel: I uh, I have two tickets to the Knicks game tonight if you’re interested, just as a thank you for this week. Joshua: Wow! That would be great. Rachel: Really? Joshua: Yeah, that would be fantastic! My-my nephew is crazy about the Knicks! This is fantastic, thank you so much Rachel. Mr. Waltham: Good morning. Joshua: Hi! Kathy: Hey. Chandler: Hey. I just, I just wanted to come over to-to say that I’m sorry. Y’know? I know I acted like the biggest idiot in the world, and I can completely understand why you were so upset. Kathy: Oh wow. I really wish you’d call me. Chandler: Yeah, I know, I-I wish I had too, but y’know I-I think this is a good thing. Y'know? ‘Cause we’ve had our first fight, and now we can move on. Y’know, I know for me— Nick’s pants? Kathy: Yeah. Chandler: Yeah. Well, I think our second fight is going to be a big one! Joey: Okay, for next time, what do you say? Rachel: I have an extra ticket. An extra ticket. Not, two tickets, I have an extra ticket. Ross: So the first time you ask a guy out, he-he turns you down? Rachel: He didn’t turn me down! He’s at the game isn’t he? I got the date, I’m just not on it! Monica: Okay, it’s ready. Come on. Joey: What’s ready? Monica: Just come. Ross: Oh my God! Rachel: Wow! Monica! Phoebe: Great! Ross: This is beautiful! Phoebe: Oh did you—what did you—did you work for two days straight? Monica: Pretty much. So, what do you, what do you think of the floor? Joey: I don’t know, it looks the same. Monica: You used to have carpet. Joey: Oh yeah! Monica: So I made snacks. Please, just hang out okay? I’m just gonna rest my eyes just a little bit. Ross: Look, Mon, do you want us to uh, come back later? Monica: Oh no-no-no, stay, stay, stay, just keep talking. I’m always the hostess. Ross: Hey! Joey: How’d it go? Chandler: Well, she wasn’t sleeping with him. Phoebe: Oh good! Chandler: She is now. Ross: What are you saying? Chandler: I’m saying that she… is a devil woman! Y’know I mean you think you know someone and then they turn around and they sleep with Nick! Nick, with his rock hard pecs, and his giant man-nipples! I hate him, I hate her! Well, I don’t hate her, I love her. This is all my fault really. Phoebe: How? How is your fault? Chandler: Because, I-I should’ve called! Y’know if I had just called her after our big, stupid fight, she never would’ve gone out with Nick, and they would’ve ended up in bed together. I threw her at his man nipples! Rachel: Honey, this is not your fault, just because you guys had a fight, it does not justify her sleeping with someone. Ross: Well, if-if she thought they were on a break… Closing Credits Mr. Waltham: Rachel, one of your customers seems to have left his billfold. A Joshua Bergen. Rachel: Really? Mr. Waltham: Will you call him? Rachel: Yes! I will! Absolutely! Hello, Rachel. Hi, Joshua. I left my wallet here on purpose. Really? Yes, I just wanted to see you again. Oh, I’m glad. Rachel, I’d like to say something to you. Yes? How you doin’? End Written by: Wil Calhoun Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Phoebe: So now, what is this now? Joey: Guggly worm. Phoebe: And this? Joey: Glow-pop giggly jammer. Phoebe: You make it so funny. Monica: Hey umm, what’s this? Joey: Ross: Someone knocked over a lamp. Joey: That’s all right. Hey you guys, you know what’s going to be great about the fishing trip this year? When my dad gets me out in the middle of the lake and gives me that, "Joey, what are you doing with your life?" stuff. I can say, "Well, I’m doing a movie with Charlton Heston dad. What are you doing with your life?" All: Great! Chandler: You don’t have to stop having fun just because I’m here. Kathy didn’t cheat on all of you. Monica: Hey, Joey, I don’t think that you should leave Chandler alone. I mean it’s only been two days since he broke up with Kathy. Maybe you can go fishing next week? Joey: Look, there’s nothing I can do for him right now, he’s still in his sweat pants, that’s still Phase One. Y'know? I’ll be back for Phase Two, I would never miss Phase Two. Monica: What’s Phase Two? Joey: Gettin’ drunk and going to a strip club. Rachel: How does going to a strip club help him better? Ross: Because there are naked ladies there. Joey: Which helps him get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with other women. Ross: There are naked ladies there too. Joey: Yeah. Chandler: Would you give me one minute!! Please. Opening Credits Joshua: So, these will match the jacket you picked out for me last week? Rachel: Um-hmm. There we go. There it is. Joshua: Oh! You know what I need? Rachel: Yeah! Joshua: Gloves. Brown, leather dress gloves. Rachel: Oh, okay. Uhh, well let’s see. Joshua: Also large? Rachel: Yeah! Okay, two larges coming right up! Joshua: Okay. Mr. Waltham: Rachel! Could I have a moment? Rachel: Yes. Mr. Waltham: I-I was wondering, my niece you see is in from London—well Shropshire really but y’know—well she’s about your age I say. Anyway I have tickets for the opera, Die Fledermaus, and I was wondering if you’d like to keep her company this evening? Rachel: Sure. You got it. Great! Mr. Waltham: Oh, good. Rachel: Me, Fledermaus, great. I really— Mr. Waltham: Ohh! Yes of course, thank you, thank you, thank you so very much. Joshua: So… Rachel: So? Joshua: Gloves? Rachel: Ohh! Right! Right, sorry, I’ll be right back! Joshua: Uhh, actually y’know what, I kinda—I have to take off. Rachel: Oh. Joshua: But, I was curious; do you have any plans for tonight? Rachel: No! Nothing! Joshua: I invested in this night-club and it’s opening tonight, would you like to come? Rachel: Yeah! That would be great! Joshua: You’re into hardcore S&M right? Rachel: Well, I-I guess—I… Joshua: Kidding! I’m gonna get there early, but I’m going to put you on the V.I.P list, okay? Look for me. Rachel: Yeah, great, you betcha! Mr. Waltham: I almost forget the tickets, didn’t I? Rachel: What? Mr. Waltham: For you and Emily, tonight, Die Fledermaus. Rachel: Oh. Oh, right. Mr. Waltham: I think you’ll like it, it has two out of the three tenors. Rachel: Oh yay! Chandler: Y’know, I can’t believe Kathy did this too me. I really, thought that she was the one. I tell you what, from now on I’m never getting out of this chair, ever! Okay? From now on, this chair is the one! You wanna what else is the one? My sweat pants! Ross: Come on, man! Just-just take the sweats off. Okay? Just take ‘em off and we’ll have some fun. Joey: Hey-hey! Ross: Hi! Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Catch any big fish? Joey: Oh my God, you guys have no idea. All: Oh! God! Wow! Monica: You stink! Ross: Are you kidding?! Joey: Yeah, three days on the lake without a shower. Plus! I fell in that big tub of worms at the bait stand! Hey, how-how’s he doing? Ross: He hasn’t gotten out of that chair in two days. Joey: Hey buddy! How’s it going? Joey: Me and Charlton Heston bright and early tomorrow morning! Yeah-yeah! Rachel: Hey! Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hey, Monica! Monica: Uh-oh, what’s the matter? Rachel: Ohh, it’s Joshua invited me to this fancy club opening tonight. But, I already told Mr. Waltham that I would take his niece to this dumb old opera. So… What are you gonna do? Monica: I don’t know sweetie. Rachel: No! Help me! Monica: I can’t! I have to work! Rachel: Phoebe? Phoebe: I would, but I get my morning sickness in the evening. Rachel: Ugh! Phoebe: Unless! She wants to spend the night holding my hair back for me. Rachel: Ohh, gosh. You guys, come on, this is—I have to meet Joshua! This is my one chance for him to see the fun Rachel. Y’know the "Wouldn’t it be great if she was my wife" Rachel. Ohh, all right! Are Joey and Chandler back? Monica: No, Chandler’s still in Phase One, and Joey’s that thing you smell. Rachel: Ohh! Hi! Ross: Hi! Rachel: So…. Ross: No. Rachel: Ohhhh, come on!!! Monica: I think she’s here. Rachel: No! Wait! Wait-wait! Ross, please! Ross: You want me to take some girl I’ve never met to the opera so you can go to a club and flirt with some guy, hmm, that-that is a toughie. Monica: Hello! Woman: Hello! Rachel: I’ll be right there! Okay, Ross, please come on! I thought we have moved on! I thought we’ve gotten to a place where we could be happy for each other! I mean was that just me? Ross: All right, I’ll do it. Rachel: Oh thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Emily? Emily: Yes. Rachel: I’m Rachel Green. Emily: Thank goodness. Rachel: There’s been a teeny-teeny change in plans. It turns out that I’m not free tonight. So… Emily: Really?! Well, that’s just lovely, isn’t it? I must’ve missed your call, even though I didn’t leave the flat all day. Rachel: Oh well, no I… Emily: Oh, no-no-no, that’s not rude! It’s perfectly in keeping with a trip that I’ve already been run down by one of your wiener carts, and been strip-searched at John F. Kennedy Airport, apparently to you people, I look like someone who’s got a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum. Monica: I-I-I think you look great. Emily: Good night, it was very nice to meet you all. Rachel: I’ll get her. Ross: Please hurry. Phoebe: Don’t you just love the way they talk?! Phoebe: Ohh! Monica: What? Phoebe: It kicked! I think the baby kicked! Monica: Oh my God! Phoebe: Oh no wait, oh no, the elastic on my underwear busted. Joey: Oh my God! I overslept! I was supposed to be on the set a half an hour ago! I gotta get out of here! Monica: Oh wait, Joey, you can’t go like that! You stink! Joey: Look, I know I feel asleep before I could shower and now I don’t have time! They’re just ten blocks away, if I run, I can make it. Monica: Yeah. Run ten blocks, that’ll help the smell. Rachel: Hey—whoa, slow down. Wow! Monica: So? How did it go with Joshua last night? Rachel: Well, I didn’t see Joshua last night, but I did punch a girl in the face. Monica: What? Phoebe: Why? Rachel: The whole night was horrible, it was pouring down rain, and when I got there, there was no Rachel Green on the list, but there was a Rachel Greep. Phoebe: Ohh! So, did you get to meet her? Rachel: No, there is no Rachel Greep, but then this other girl overheard us and she was all, "I’m Rachel Greep! I’m Rachel Greep!" and he let her right in. Monica: So you hit her in the face? Rachel: No, she was already in, but then this big bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella, so I clocked her. Ohhh! I can’t believe this, all I wanted was a few hours outside of work to see Joshua, so he can go ahead and start falling in love with me. Phoebe: Aww, Pheebs. Rachel: Honey, that’s you’re name. Phoebe: That’s short for Phoebe?! I thought that was just what we called each other! Monica: Hey! You’re wearing pants! Chandler: That’s right! Where are the guys? I’m ready to get drunk and see some strippers. Monica: It’s 9:30 in the morning! Chandler: They got a breakfast buffet. Monica: Hello. Oh, hey Ross! Chandler: Ooh, let me talk to him! Monica: Oh-oh, my God! Chandler: Well, can I just… Monica: Wait, what? Chandler: She’s shhing me! It’s my phone and she’s shhing me! Phoebe: Shhh!! Please! What’s he saying? Monica: He’s with Emily at a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont! Phoebe: What? Oh my God! Rachel: What? Who the hell is Emily— noooo!! Commercial Break Rachel: They’re in Vermont!! How could this happen?! Chandler: Ow! Rachel: How—how did end up in Vermont with that awful witch?! Chandler: Maybe, she doesn’t hit him all the time. Ross: When we first met her, she was soaking, her feet were wet! Who wouldn’t be miserable? I’m telling you when I got her into a dry pair of shoes, she was a totally different person. Emily: Ross! Come quickly! There’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard! Ross: I’ve gotta go, there’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard! Monica: He had to go, there’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard. Rachel: I don’t get this! She was horrible! Chandler: Okay, I’m going to go stand over there. Monica: Why do you care so much anyway? Rachel: I don’t care! All right, y’know what I’m just upset that I’m getting nowhere with Joshua that—y’know what still, you do not meet someone and go flitting off to Vermont! Monica: Well, when you first met Barry, you flitted off to Vail. Rachel: Oh, y’know, would you just for once, not remember every…little…thing!! Chandler: So y’know, uh, when’s he getting back? Monica: A couple of days. Chandler: Y’know, I knew something like this was going to happen. Monica: What are you doing?! Chandler! You can’t just go back a phase! Chandler: Yes you can. You’re thinking about time, you can’t go back in time. Phoebe: Well, look, why don’t you just, why don’t you do your Phase Two strip club thing with us. Monica: Yeah, come on, we can be guys! Chandler: No you can’t. Phoebe: Come on! Let us be guys! Maybe we want to be guys! Chandler: You don’t want to be guys, you’d be all hairy and wouldn’t live as long. Phoebe: Y’know you, you just stop being such a wuss and get those off and you come with us and watch naked girls dance around!! Chandler: Okay. Phoebe: I’m sorry. Joey: Hey! Joey Tribbiani! I’m here! I’m here! The A.D: Calm down, we got time, we’re running a little late. Joey: Look at that, Charlton Heston eating a liquorice whip! The A.D: Yeah, we loves ‘em. I’ve never seen him with— Joey: Whoa! Yeah, what the hell is that? What smells so bad? The A.D: You. Joey: Y’know, I can see why you think that, but ah, actually, you know who I think it is? The A.D: You? Joey: No-no, it’s uh, it’s Heston. The A.D: What? Joey: Yeah, the man wreaks! Smells like he went on a three day fishing trip and then ate some liquorice. The A.D: There’s no way he smells, he’s the only one around here with a shower in his dressing room. Joey: Really, a shower huh? And uh, which-which room might that be? The A.D: The one with "Heston" on it. Joey: Interesting. Monica: Okay, I’ve got some Ones, you wanna put them in her panties? Chandler: No thanks, Mom! Phoebe: Oh, no umm, hi, that-that, you have to put that out, ‘cause I’m pregnant. The Cigarette Smoking Guy: Well, maybe you and your baby should go to another strip club. Phoebe: Ha-ha, it’s not my baby, ha-ha-ha! Monica: Very good, so good. Phoebe: I really, really enjoyed it. Very exotic. Rachel: Well, I just checked our messages and Joshua didn’t call. I mean you’d think he’d be worried about me not showing up at his club. Ugh, you know what makes it so much worse, Ross is all happy in Vermont! Phoebe: Come on! Look where you are!! Monica: When you get a sec, another round of daiquiris. Phoebe: Remember, a virgin for me please. Monica: Oh! And don’t let me leave without getting the name of that carpet guy. Chandler: Ahh, come on! Y’know what—y’know what, I think I’m just gonna go home and call Kathy. Phoebe: Well, if you think it will help. Chandler: No! That was a test! In a couple of hours I’m gonna get really drunk and wanna call Kathy and you guys are gonna have to stop me! And then after that, I’m gonna get so drunk, I’m gonna wanna call Janice Phoebe: You should! How is she? Chandler: Ohhh!! Monica: I think somebody needs another lap dance. Charlton Heston: Hello! Who’s in there? Joey: How ya doin’? Charlton Heston: Who in the hell are you? Joey: I guess you wouldn’t believe me if I said I was Kurt Douglas, huh? Charlton Heston: Put some pants on kid so I can kick your butt. Joey: No-no-no, no, no, wait. You see, I’m an actor, Joey Tribbiani, I’m doing a scene with you today, and well, I stink. Charlton Heston: You’re in this picture? Joey: Yeah-yeah, I’m one of the cops that won’t work with you ‘cause you a lose cannon. Anyway, look, I’m really sorry, but I stink! Charlton Heston: Joey, right? Joey: Yeah. Charlton Heston: Every actor thinks he stinks, even Lawrence Oliver at sometimes thought he stank, Bob Redford won’t even watch himself. Joey: Oh no-no-no, you don’t understand… Charlton Heston: Listen to me! Joey: Oh yeah, yeah. Charlton Heston: I don’t know one actor worth his salt that didn’t say at one time or another, "God, I stink!" Hell, I just did a scene out there, first take, I stunk the place up. But, the important thing you must remember, no matter how badly you think you might stink, you must never, ever bust into my dressing room and use my shower! Do you understand me?! Joey: Yes sir! Yes sir, I’m-I’m— Charlton Heston: Wait a minute! Take your pants. Joey: Yeah. Oh, yeah. Monica: So, we did okay at the strip club, right? Chandler: Oh yeah, that was great. Thanks to you, the hottest cocktail waitress there is quitting to teach the third grade! Rachel: I can’t believe it! He still hasn’t called. Phoebe: Who, Josh? Rachel: It’s Joshua. Monica: What, he doesn’t like Josh? Rachel: No, I don’t. Chandler: All right, well I’m gonna put my sweats back on. Phoebe: Oh no! Wait! Wait! Okay, y’know what, you were right, you were right. We really weren’t great at being guys, but you know why? Because we’re girls. Chandler: Yeah? Phoebe: And do you know what girls are really good at? Chandler: Stripping! Phoebe: No, listening! Sit! Y’know, maybe it would just really, really help if you would just talk. Rachel: Yeah, come on! What’s going in on in there? Monica: Yeah. And y’know, if you wanna cry, that’s okay too. Chandler: Okay, look, I’m gonna have to ask you all to leave. Monica: Come on! Chandler! Chandler: Look, forget it. We tried, but Phase Three is a lost cause, Okay? Those strippers were insanely hot, and I couldn’t picture myself with any of them. Monica: They really were pretty, weren’t they? Phoebe: Yeah, I really liked that fighter pilot one. Monica: Oh, Candy! She was so spunky! Phoebe: Yeah. Monica: Y’know, I think if I were going to be with a woman. It’d, it’d be with someone like Michelle, she was so oh, she was so petite. Rachel: See, I don’t know, for me it would have to Chantal. Monica: Oh, Chantal! Rachel: Oh my goodness, she had the smoothest skin! I mean when I stuck that dollar bill in her g-string and grazed her thigh… Chandler: Phase Three! I just achieved Phase Three! Monica: Really?! Chandler: I am totally picturing you with all those women! Monica: That’s-that’s not Phase Three. Chandler: Well, I’m there too! Rachel: Well, are we all together? Like in a group? Chandler: Stop it! You’re killing me! I think I just moved on to Phase Four! Phoebe: Oh! What is that? What is that? Chandler: Where I don’t want to have a relationship ever! I just want to have sex with strippers and my friends!! Chandler: Come on, let me see that smile. Joey: I don’t wanna. Chandler: Please? Joey: I wanted to go to the strip club! Chandler: I know, I know, but you’re gonna have plenty of chances. There are literally thousands of women out there just waiting to screw me over. Joey: Yeah, all right. Monica: Hey! Ross: Hey! Phoebe: Hey—ooh so, how was Vermont? Ross: Emily is…incredible. I mean there-there are no words to describe it, I mean the whole weekend was like a dream. Oh! And you! Rach! Rachel: Oh, hey! Ross: Hey! You were so right! Rachel: What? Ross: Uh, what you said, about us being in a place where we could finally be happy for each other. Rachel: Oh, hmm. Ross: I mean, I, I-I admit I-I wasn’t quite there. Y’know, I mean the thought of you and that-that Josh guy… Rachel: Joshua. Ross: Joshua…guy at that club, dancing and having a good time, the thought of it kinda…y’know. Rachel: Yeah, I… Ross: But now! I’m there! I’m totally there! I’m-I’m finally where you are! Rachel: Oh, thank goodness! Ross: Yeah, and-and thank you for Emily. Rachel: Oh, no problem. I’m so glad I could help. Happy for you. Ross: Happy for you. Rachel: No, happy for you! Closing Credits Chandler: All right ladies, here’s what we’re gonna do. And you just constantly scream at the top of your voice, "Chandler’s the king! Chandler’s the king!" Phoebe: I-I wanna be with her, I like her. Chandler: Oh, that’s fine! Go with your instincts, go with your instincts. Monica: Wait, now, what am I doing again? Chandler: Come on! Would you please pay attention, I could wake up at any moment! The Cigarette Guy: Hi, I’m Joshua, I’m here to pick up Rachel. Rachel: No-no-no, that’ not Joshua. Chandler: What do you want from me, I’ve never met the guy. So anyway, Rachel, I’m sorry you can’t stay, All right, listen, I’ve got to wake up! End Teleplay by: Wil Calhoun Story by: Andrew Reich and Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Chandler: Y'know, I can't believe I'm getting my nails done!  And you said it was gonna be fun! Which it kinda is.  Also, you said there would be other guys here. There are no other guys here! Rachel: Chandler, there’s a guy right over there. Chandler: That’s a mailman! That’s our mailman! Hi. How are ya? Rachel: Chandler, don’t worry! This doesn’t make you any less of a guy! I hate to think what this woman was scratching when this broke off. Chandler: Hey, you know who used to have nails like that? Rachel: Hmm. Woman: OH…MY…GAWD!! Opening Credits Monica: Joey let me ask you a question. What does this light switch do? Joey: Ohh, Nothing. Monica: Didn’t it drive you crazy to have a switch and not know what it did? Joey: I know what it did! Nothing. Monica: They wouldn’t have put it there if it didn’t do something! How can you not care? Joey: Like this. Rachel: Well, here’s another question for ya. Uhh, do you know what that silver knob on the toilet does? Joey: Sure! It flushes it. Rachel: Okay, good. Now that since you know, when you come over would you mind actually using it? Chandler: Hello! Joey: Hey! Rachel: Guess who we ran into today?! Monica: Janice?! Chandler: Isn’t this amazing? Monica: How have you been? Janice: Oh well, I’m divorced. Phoebe: Ohhh, wow. Janice: Yeah, I’m riding the alimony pony. Joey: And there it is. Janice: I just came up to say, "Hi!" Hi! And you, sweetie, I’ll see you tonight. Chandler: Okay. Bye. Janice: Bye. Chandler: Bye. Janice: Bye. Chandler: Bye. Janice: Bye. Chandler: B-bye! Janice: Bye-bye. Chandler: Bye. Phoebe: What?! I thought you were crazy about her! Chandler: Yeah, I know, but all of those little annoying things she did before we fell in love? Like her voice, her laugh, her personality—Well, they’re all back! Y’know? And she’s picked up like nine new ones! Joey: So what are you doing bringing her here?! There’s people here! Chandler: Don’t worry about it. I’m taking care of it tonight. Rachel: You are not. You have never been able to break up with her. Chandler: Joey: Yeah, try sticking it in the freezer for 20 minutes. I’m tellin’ ya! Emily: I can’t believe you really walk alone here! I mean, you hear such stories about New York. Ross: No, it’s really not that bad. I mean, I-I for one, feel perfectly safe. Ross: Help! Help!! Help! Help!! Emily: No, no, no Ross! Ross, these are friends of mine from home. Liam, Devon, this is Ross. Devon: Hey, mate. Liam: How are ya man? Ross: Oh hey, that was a good one, huh? Help! Help! Emily: So how are you? I’ve been meaning to ring you ever since I arrived but umm, well, I’ve been rather busy. Devon: Do you realise that we have not seen each other since the night of that U2 concert? Emily: Oh my God. I think you’re right. Liam: Well, actually the last time you and I saw each other was that morning. Emily: Oh, Liam. Ross: Oh, Liam. So uh, what, were you guys playing soccer or something—or should I call it football? Devon: We were playing rugby. Liam: In fact we’re playing a game at the park tomorrow. You’re welcome to play too if you want. Emily: Ross play rugby? I don’t think so. Ross: What’s ah, what’s so funny about that? Emily: Well I mean, you’re American to start with. You don’t even have rugby here. Ross: Well, we didn’t have freedom here until 1776, either so… Devon: So good then! We’ll see you at Riverside Park at 2:00! Cheers! Liam: Cheers! Ross: Cheers! Janice: Oh boy, I just love to sing! Chandler: Yes, I-I know that you do, but I think one of the reasons people were complaining though, was that they paid to hear the actor sing Old Man River. Janice: Oh, look at us! Who would’ve thought that Cupid had a station at 14th Street Nails. Chandler: Okay, we have to talk. I’m just getting out of a very serious relationship… Janice: I know! And I’m just getting out of a marriage, I mean talk about meant to be! Chandler: Right! I just think that this is happening too soon. Janice: Oh, too soon, too schmoon. Face it honey, I am not letting you get away this time. Chandler: I hear ya. But! Unfortunately, my company is transferring me overseas! Janice: Oh no! Where to? Too Paris? Chandler: No! No! Not, Paris. Janice:Too London? No-no, Rome? Vienna? Ooh-ooh, Barcelona? Chandler: Okay, could you just stop talking for a second? Yemen. That’s right, yes, I’m being transferred to Yemen! Janice: When? Chandler: I don’t know exactly. Janice: Ugh, well I will just have to soak up every once of Chandler Bing until that moment comes. Chandler: But I do know that it’s some time tomorrow. Monica: Done? Phoebe: Yep! Rachel: Hey! Joey: Hey! What’s up? Monica: This switch thing has been driving me crazy. So I turned it off and checked every outlet. Now, four of them don’t work. Which means, one of them has to be controlled by the switch. So, I plugged in things in all four of the outlets that-that make noise, so that way, when I turn it on I just follow the noise and find out which one it is. Joey: I bet I stopped listening before you did. Rachel: Y’know, you-you also could’ve used uh, lamps and then followed the light. Monica: Yeah, well, I’m using noise. Okay. All right! So, is everybody ready? Here we go. Rachel: It’s coming from Joey! Phoebe: Oh my God, that’s so freaky! Turn him off!! Phoebe: Ooh, hey, could we put on the news? I think it might be raining. Ross: Oh, just hold on a second. I’m watching this rugby thing on ESPN. I don’t know what the big deal is. I’m man enough to play this sport. Joey: Dude, you’re not even man enough to order the channel that carries the sport. Janice: Hey there Ross! Ross: Hey! Phoebe: Janice. Chandler: Y’know uh, you didn’t really have to help me pack. Janice: Ohh, well when you said all you were going to be doing between now and the time you leave is packing, you didn’t really leave me much choice. Did you? Chandler: Well, I-I thought I did but, I-I guess I did not! Joey: Hey-hey, what’s going on? Chandler: Oh, I’m packing. Y’know I’m-I’m packing ‘cause I’m moving to Yemen tomorrow. Joey: Thanks for telling me! Chandler: I’m only going to pretend I’m moving to Yemen, it’s the only way I can get rid off her. Joey: Ohhhh, good one! And Yemen that actually sounds like a real country. Janice: Chandler! Come on, I’m gonna show how to roll up your underwear and stuff it in your shoes. It’s a real space saver. Phoebe: Yeah, I know, I do that ‘cause it makes me look taller. Janice: Okay, Chandler, come on! Chandler: Joey, trade lives with me! Joey: Nope. Man look at this! Ross, I can’t believe you said you’d play rugby. I mean look how brutal this is! Ross: Hey, I can handle it! All right? Rachel: Please, Ross, you-you got hurt playing badminton with my dad. Ross: That’s ‘cause-‘cause you’re mom’s dog kept-kept looking at me. Joey: Okay, Ross, look-look-look-look, look right here. That’s called a scrum, okay? It’s kinda like a huddle. Ross: And is a hum, kinda like a scruddle? Joey: Ross! They’re gonna kill you! Phoebe: Well, why are you doing this anyway? Ross: Well, you should’ve seen the guy that she used to go out with. I mean, he’s like Joe Rugby. Phoebe: You’re kidding! And he plays rugby?! That’s so funny. Ohh! I see how you did that. All right. Ross: Anyway, she thought the very idea of me playing rugby with him was like hilarious. So I’m gonna show her how tough I really am! Rachel: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You’re right, you are a tough guy. You’re the toughest palaeontologist I know. Joey: All right, come on look, Ross can take care of himself! It’s not like he’s…Chandler! Chandler: Thanks! Ross: Look, don’t worry about me. Okay? I’ll just stay real energetic and stay away from the ball. I’ll uh, I’ll be that guy right out of the circle. All: Oh! Rachel: Oh, well maybe there was a dog lookin’ at him. Commercial Break Joey: Ross-Ross-Ross-Ross! Stay away from that guy . And that one—Dude! They’re all huge! Ross: They don’t look any bigger than me! Joey: Well, maybe that’s because you’re closer to you. So you look bigger to you from where you are. Emily: I’m just going to say hi to the lads. All right? Ross: All right. Emily: Okay. Phoebe: Hi. Phoebe: Whoa! I kinda liked it. Ross: Okay, I know what I have to do. I’ve got to go Red Ross. Y’know, Red Ross! Joey: I totally don’t know what you’re talking about. Ross: Come on! The time we were all waiting in line for Dances With Wolves and that one guy cut in line in front of us and I just lost it?! Screamed at him! Turned all red! Red Ross!! Joey: No. Ross: You’ll see. Emily: Liam, do me a favour. Tell the lads to go easy on Ross, it’s his first time. Liam: You don’t say! Emily: Good luck, babe. Liam: Ross! Ross! Come on! Get in here! Ross! Come on! Liam: Ross, come on! Get in the bloody scrum! Ross, get in! Ross: JOEY!!!!!! Rachel: You…are…not going to believe it! Joshua came into work today, and guess what happened? Monica: He asked you out?! Rachel: No. But I was showing him some cufflinks and I felt his pulse. Monica: Saucy! Rachel: What are these? Monica: Electrical plans for the building. Rachel: Okay, okay, okay should I be scared? Monica: I know that switch does something, okay? So-so I went down to city hall and got these. All I had to do was pay $25 and wait in line for three hours. Rachel: Wow! If only more people knew. Chandler: Y’know you, really didn’t have to take me to the airport. Janice: Oh please. Every moment is precious. Y’know? Besides, somebody had to ride in that other taxi with the rest of your luggage, and your friends don’t really seem to care too much that you’re leaving. Chandler: Well, we’re really not that close. Okay, so I guess this is uh, good-bye then. Janice: On no! No! It’s not good-bye, I’m not leaving until you get on that plane. Chandler: Okay. Then I guess it’s just, wait here then. Hi. I need one fake ticket to Yemen. Ticket Counter Attendant: One ticket to Yemen? Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no. No, no, no, I just, I just need a pretend ticket. Ticket Counter Attendant: I’m sorry sir, I don’t understand. Chandler: What would you give to a kid if he wanted a ticket to play with? Ticket Counter Attendant: Are you travelling with a child? Chandler: No. All right, y’know what, she’s gonna think that I’m handing you a credit card, but what I’m really gonna do is hand you a library card. Ticket Counter Attendant: Ah, sir a ticket to Yemen is $2,100 and we don’t take library cards. Janice: What’s the matter? Is something wrong? Do you have to stay? Chandler: American Express? Emily: I can’t believe they’re doing that to him! I told them to go easy on him! Phoebe: No offence but, y’know sometimes it’s hard to understand you, y’know with the accent, so… Emily: That’s just halftime, there’s more of this. Ross: Did you see me? I was pretty good, huh? That is one fun game! Emily: Right. Ross: Hey, could you do me a favour? Could you just grab me a bottle of water? Emily: Okay. Ross: Thanks. I-I think I’m dying. I really do. Phoebe: Oh, poor baby. Ross: Excellent! Well, okay, I gotta have some more fun! Emily: Ross, they are killing you out there! Ross: That’s not true! Phoebe: She’s right! You have to stop! Ross: What? No! No, I’m not stopping. I’m Red Ross! Joey: Dude, if you go back out there, you’re gonna be Dead Ross! Ross: I don’t care! I am not quitting! I insist on finishing this game! Emily: All right, all right, if you insist on doing this, at least let me help you. Ross: No, God no! That is no place for a woman. Those guys will grab anything. Emily: No. That’s not what I’m saying. I just may know a few things that might help you inflict some pain. Ross: I like that. Emily: Yeah? Listen closely, Devon has got a weak ankle. Ross: Huh? Emily: One swift kick and he’ll back off. Ross: All right, bad ankle, got it! Emily: And that big bloke with the beard, he has got a trick hip. Yeah. And uh, and David over there, I heard he doesn’t wear a cup. Ross: Yeah? I can use that, trick hip, no cup, okay! Okay! Emily: And uh, Liam, Liam’s got bad knees. You hit him right and he’ll go down like a lamp. Ross: But-but, Liam’s on my team. Emily: I don’t care! You just get him! Ross: I’m gonna go get him! Okay, I am going back in! Joey: The Red Ross! Okay. Rachel: Hey! Monica: Hi! Rachel: What-what are-what are these? Monica: Oh, just some pictures I made and hung up. I thought they’d brighten up the place. They do don’t you think? Monica: No-no-no, no! Monica: I know that there’s no hole there, I just really liked that picture. Rachel: Oh my God! Look at this! Monica: Okay, but there is a wire back there! I mean that switch is connected to something! Rachel: I don’t care! The wires have come loose in your head! Monica: I just thought that if I could follow the wire I could find out what it did. Rachel: And did you?! Monica: No. It disappears back there behind that baseboard. For a minute there, I thought it went downstairs. Monica: But it didn’t. Say hello to Mrs. Chatracus. Rachel: Oh my God. Mrs. Chatracus: Hello darling. Rachel: Hello, Mrs. Chatracus. Phoebe: Now, are you sure you don’t want to go see a doctor? Ross: Oh no! That-that’ll just bring me down! This was great! I mean I-I-I was great! This is a great day! Y’know what? I’m buying everyone coffee. All right? If someone would just grab my wallet, it’s in my pocket. Joey: Yeah, sure. Ross: No, not you. Joey: Uhh, look, your eye’s still popping out a little, I’m gonna go get some ice. Phoebe: Ooh, ice! I am so in the mood for ice! Emily: You were amazing out there. Ross: Oh, I kinda was, wasn’t I? Emily: Oh my God! Ross: I made a man twice my size cry. I mean, I haven’t done that since I was four and I washed my dad’s Porsche with rocks. Emily: You really enjoyed yourself didn’t you? Ross: Please! Are you kidding? I-I hurt three huge men, I gave a guy a bloody nose—I mean I-I’m not proud of it but, I really am. And it’s all because of you, wonderful, amazing you. Emily: I think you’ve got concussion. Ross: No, no, I’m serious. Thank you. Emily: You’re welcome. I’m sorry. Did I hurt you? Ross: It’s worth the pain. Y’know what, you know what? It’s not. Ticket Counter Attendant: This is the final boarding call for Flight 664 to Yemen. Chandler: Well, I-I guess I gotta go. Janice: Oh, my Bing-a-ling. I’ll wait for you. Do you even know how long you’re going to be gone? Chandler: Well, just until we find an energy source to replace fuel. Janice: Oh. Well, I’ll right you everyday. 15 Yemen Road, Yemen. Chandler: Okay, good-bye. Good-bye. Janice: Chandler? Chandler: No! Janice: Chandler! Chandler: Janice! There you are! There you are! I had to have one last kiss, and also-also you said that you were going to leave right after I got on the plane! Janice: No! No! I wanna see you take-off. Chandler: Well, I then guess I’m going to Yemen! I’m going to Yemen! When we get to Yemen, can I stay with you? Closing Credits Monica: All right. The super couldn’t figure out what it did. A $200 an hour electrician couldn’t figure out what it did. I’ve had seven pretty serious shocks. I officially give up. Rachel: Thank God. Monica: I guess Joey was right, it does nothing. Phoebe: See? I’m doing it. I am totally doing it. I lost it. End Teleplay by Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri Story by Alicia Sky Varinaitis Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Monica: What is it hon? Phoebe: I-I can’t find anything that I want to eat! Everything I eat makes me nauseous! I’m telling you, being pregnant is no piece of cake—ooh! Cake! No. Monica: Aww, honey I’m sorry. Phoebe: God! Ooh! What is that smell? It’s coming from the bathroom. Ooh! Chandler: Wow! Pregnancy does give you some weird cravings. Joey: Yeah? Phoebe: It’s me. It’s Phoebe. Listen there’s something in here I want to eat, what-what smells so good? Joey: Is it the shampoo? It’s guava. Phoebe: No! Joey: Oh! Wait-wait! Is it my bologna sandwich? Phoebe: Yes. Yes. Yes. I can’t believe it! The baby wants bologna! Maybe he wants me to eat meat? I can’t eat meat! Joey: Oh, wait-wait! Maybe it’s a pickle?! Opening Credits Chandler: What are you writing? Rachel: Well, Joshua’s coming in tomorrow and since I don’t have the guts to ask him out, I’m going to sell him a coat and put this note in the pocket. Chandler: Oh yeah? never go out of style—what did you throw away? Chandler: Hi guys! All: Hey! Joey: Hey, what have you guys been up too? Ross: Oh, we went to see a collection of Victorian doorknobs and the Cupert-Hewitt museum. Chandler: Without me?! Emily: My uncle dragged us there. But, it actually it turned out to be really interesting. Ross: Yeah. Emily: They were so ornate and beautiful, I mean look at that! Monica: I don’t know how museums work in England but, here, you’re not supposed to take stuff. Emily: I uh, I got it from the gift shop. They have really lax security there. Ross: Bye. Emily: Right, I’ve got to be off, I’ll see ya. Buh-bye then. Joey: Wow! You guys seem to be having a good time. Ross: Oh yeah, she’s-she’s amazing. And-and she’s so much fun. And! Y’know what? When I’m with her, I’m fun! I even signed up for helicopter classes. She’s leaving in two days, I don’t have to do it. Monica: Oh no, two days, you must be bummed. Ross: Yeah, she’s got to go back to London. But you know what? I’ve been prepared for this from the start. We both knew we had two weeks together, and that’s it. Y’know. Joey: Hey that’s what all my relationships are like. Chandler: Yes, but in Ross’s case, they both know in two weeks that’s it. Ross: Pheebs! All: Hey! Ross: Hello! Hello! Phoebe: Yes! I know! I know! Yeah! So the baby is totally craving meat. This afternoon I tried tricking it, I made it a soy-burger to make it think it was getting meat, y’know? And I got nauseous. Chandler: Maybe that’s because soy-burgers suck! Phoebe: Being pregnant is tough on your tummy. Joey: Hey, but at least you got that cool, pregnant lady glow. Phoebe: That’s sweat. You throw up all morning, you’ll have that glow too. Joshua: Okay! Rachel: Oh, here’s that trench-coat that you wanted. Joshua: Oh great! Wow! Yeah, it’s comfortable. Rachel: Yeah? Joshua: Man, I could really flash somebody in this thing. Rachel: Oh no-no, no-no, they don’t want you to put your hands in the pockets until you are out of the store. Joshua: Why not?! Rachel: Well, that’s because of a lot of… Joshua: Y’know, they ruin it for everybody. Rachel: I know! Joshua: Y’know, I wore that cashmere sweater on a date last night. Rachel: Oh? Joshua: Yeah, it was my first date since the uh, since the divorce. Rachel: Well, congratulations, so do you love her? Joshua: No, no, no, she’s nice but, y’know, it just it made me realize that I’m just not, I’m just not ready to be dating, y’know? Rachel: Huh. Well, uh, that’s uh, that’s interesting. Joshua: Hey-whoa-hey-hey, what was that? Rachel: Oh, it’s just an anti-theft device. Joshua: Then uh, what’s-what’s this? Rachel: You need that, you need that too ‘cause obviously, a thief could just tear this up. Rachel: Oops, sorry. Listen, we-we have to have a party tonight! Actually, we have to have one in five minutes, so everybody cancel your plans. Chandler: What are you talking about? Joey: Yeah, what’ going on? Rachel: We have to have a surprise Bon Voyage party for Emily. But it’s actually for Joshua. Ross: Well, as much as I’d like to meet Josh and warn him, Emily and I aren’t going to be here. All right? I mean, she’s going to come by first to say good-bye, and then I’ve got a whole special evening planned. So I’m sorry, no party. Joey: Awwww! Emily: Hello? Rachel: Surprise!!! Chandler and Joey: Surprise!! Emily: No one’s ever thrown me a surprise party before! Rachel: Well, it was all Ross’s idea. Emily: You’re so sweet! And I’m so surprised! Ross: You really didn’t know? Chandler: Why are you in here if Joshua is all the way over there? Rachel: Uhh, because I’m trying to play hard to get. Oh, quick he’s looking over here, say something funny. Chandler: Like what? Joey: What-what-what is so funny? Chandler: I said, "Like what?" Joey: Now that’s a thinker. Rachel: Okay, y’know what, y’know what? This playing hard to get thing is not working. Umm, hand-hand me those cherries. Hi! Joshua: Hi! Rachel: Care for a cherry? Joshua: Oh, no thanks. Rachel: No? Y’know, I can tie one of these into a knot using just my tongue. Joshua: You okay? Ross: So we should probably get going soon. Emily: Oh, but the party’s only just getting started! Ross: Yeah, but we-we have to be at the Four Seasons for drinks in 15 minutes and then y’know, then The Plaza for dinner. Emily: So why did you plan a party at the same time? Ross: No-no-no, no, umm, actually American surprise parties are-are-are very short. It’s usually, "Surprise!" And then, "Oh my God, I’m so surprised—good-bye!" Emily: But Ross, I’m such having a great time! Your sister has just been telling me that you used to dress up like little, old ladies and hold make-believe tea parties. Ross: Monica said that did she? Phoebe: Ooh, yeah. Then what are you going to put on top of that? Joey: A little salami. Phoebe: Ooh yeah! Then umm, what goes on top of the salami? Joey: Pastrami. Phoebe: Oooh, yeah. You’re a genius. Rachel: Oh, could somebody give me a hand with this zipper? Joey: Yeah. Rachel: Up! Monica: You changed? Rachel: Yeah, I did. I needed my lucky dress. Monica: And lucky means, more cleavage? Chandler: Does for me. Rachel: Ohh, God! Look at him, he’s so cute. I wanna go over there, grab him, and kiss him! How can I kiss him and not letting him know that I like him? Joey: Oh! I know how you can get him, take off your bra. Rachel: What? Joey: There was a seen in Footloose... Chandler: Flashdance. Joey: Yeah-yeah, yeah, with that-that uh, plumber girl… Chandler: She was a welder. Joey: What? Were you like in the movie, or… Anyway, she takes off her bra under her shirt and pulls it out the sleeve. Very sexy, and classy. Monica: Or if you want to kiss him, umm, you could use mistletoe. Rachel: It’s not Christmas! Monica: Or Spin the Bottle? Rachel: He’s not 11! Emily: Thank you so much for this. It was really so thoughtful of you. Rachel: What? You’re leaving?! Ross: Yes, we have something we have to get to. Joshua: Uhh, yeah, I think I’m going to take-off too. Rachel: No! You guys can’t leave yet! You have to stay, we-we got the whole big thing planned! Ross: What big thing? Rachel: All right. Who wants to go first? Emily: I’ll go. All: Yay! Joey: Welcome to America. Monica: Two in a row! You’ve got to use your tongues now! Rachel: Yay! Emily! Chandler: What are the odds? What are the odds? Ross: Okay, that-that’s enough! Y’know, let’s, let’s let someone else play. Joey: If you didn’t want to play, why did you come to the party? Rachel: Okay, my turn!! Phoebe: Oh my God!! The baby just kicked! All: Ohh! Rachel: It’s okay! It’s okay! It kicked once, it’ll kick again! All: Oh my God! Rachel: All right, well, everybody just remember where they were sitting. Rachel: Just a bug. Commercial Break Phoebe: Y’know it doesn’t matter how much I’m craving it. Y’know why I’m never gonna eat meat? Because it’s murder, cold blooded murder. Chandler: Okay. Chandler: There’s a Phoebe on my sandwich! Joey: Phoebe, what-what are you doing?! Phoebe: I can’t help it. I need the meat. The baby needs the meat. Joey: All right look, y’know how-y’know how when you’re dating someone and you don’t want to cheat on them, unless it’s with someone really hot? Phoebe: Yeah, totally! Joey: All right. Okay. Well this is the same kind of deal. If you’re going to do something wrong, do it right! Joey: Feel better now? Phoebe: Yeah, but at what cost? Six more months, three meals a day, I’m gonna eat like, y’know millions of cows. Joey: Hey, what if I said, I could even things out for ya, meatwise. Phoebe: What? Joey: Well, I eat a lot of meat right? Phoebe: Yeah. Joey: Well, suppose until the baby’s born I laid off it. No extra animals would die, you-you’d just be eating my animals. Phoebe: Joey, I can’t believe you would do that for me. Joey: Absolutely! I could be a vegetarian. There’s no meat in beer, right? Ross: Okay, we could still make dinner if we skipped the appetisers and asked for our check right away. Emily: But, we can’t go now. It looks like Rachel’s gonna put on a skit. Monica: Oh my God! Have you lost your mind? Rachel: No-n-n-n-no! I am finally thinking clearly. My lucky dress wasn’t working out to well for me, but for four years, this baby never missed. Monica: Rachel-Rachel-Rachel I-I cannot, I can’t let—, actually I kinda want to see what happens. Joshua: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Joshua: Nice uh, costume. Rachel: Ohh, yeah, well I wanted to give Emily a big American good-bye cheer. So okay! Ready! Okay! Gimme an ‘E!’ All: E! Rachel: Gimme an ‘M!’ All: M! Rachel: Gimme an ‘I!’ All: I! Rachel: Gimme an ‘L!’ All: L! Rachel: Gimme a ‘Y!’ All: Y! Rachel: What do you get? Joey and Monica: Are you all right? Rachel: I’m fine! I’m fine! I’m just losing a tooth, it’s no big deal. I have a dentist! Y’know. I’m gonna go put some ice on it. Excuse me. What do I do now? What do I do now? Monica: I think you’re done. Joey: Okay, time to take off the bra. Joshua: Umm, that was really great, but I-I gotta take-off actually. Joey: Take the bra off. Rachel: All right, come on, let’s go get your coat. Joshua: Okay. Gunther: Rachel is my girlfriend. Joshua: So, this was uh, really fun. Rachel: Oh, yeah! Real fun. Joshua: Need uh, need a little hand there. Rachel: Oh no-no-no! No, I got this all under control. Joshua: You really don’t seem like you do. That’s… Rachel: Ughhhh!! Forget it! This is, this is not how this is supposed to happen. Joshua: Well, what was supposed to happen? Rachel: Can you not look at me when I say this? I thought that if I could get you here, I could seduce you. Joshua: Huh. Oh, boy! Uhh, I-I don’t wear suits to work, and I bought six of them from you. Rachel: Well, I’m sorry, I thought you needed them! Joshua: No, no-no, no-no, my point is that I kept coming back because, I wanted to see you. Rachel: Why?! Joshua: Because I-I like you. Rachel: You like me? Joshua: Yeah! I mean you’re-you’re beautiful and smart and sophisticated—a lot of this isn’t based on tonight. Rachel: Yeah but-but-but you liked me! Oh my God, I can’t believe this, all this time, I liked you and you liked me! Joshua: But… Rachel: Oh no-no-no don’t say but! No-no, but’s never good! Let’s just leave it at, you like me and I like you. Joshua: Okay uh, however… Rachel: Oh, now see that’s a fancy but. Joshua: My marriage like just ended, and I’m really not ready to get into anything yet. Rachel: But…. Joshua: I’m sorry, I, I just need a little time. Rachel: Okay. Rachel: Ohh, here you are. I was looking for you before. Joshua’s gone so you and Emily are free to go. Ross: That’s okay. She’s still in there enjoying her fake party and uh, it’s too late to do any of the things I had planned, so… Rachel: Oh, Ross, I’m sorry. I completely ruined your evening. Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I made a fool out of myself. Ross: Helps a little. Rachel: Is there room on that step for a pathetic loser? Ross: Yeah, have a seat. Rachel: I’m so sorry. Ross: That’s okay, I mean it was just two-week thing anyway, I just didn’t want it to end this way, y’know? Rachel: Well, maybe you didn’t want it to end? Ross: What do you mean? Rachel: You seem to really like her. Ross: Yeah, I really do. Yeah, but what am I gonna do, I mean we-we both agreed that it was gonna be a two-week thing, y’know no commitment. Rachel: Ross, that girl just spent the entire evening talking to your friends, asking to hear stories about you, looking through Monica’s photo albums, I mean you don’t do that if you’re just in it for two weeks. Ross: You think? Rachel: Yeah, you got like 14 hours until she has to be at the airport, and you’re sitting here in the hallway with a 28-year-old cheerleader with a fat lip. Ross: Hey, you’re right. Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Thanks. What photo album was it? Rachel: I don’t know, it was you and a bunch of albino kids. Ross: Oh my God! Those weren’t albino kids, that was computer camp! Rach! Rachel: Hey. Chandler: Hey. Rachel: You’re a pathetic loser, right? Chandler: Oh-ho, yeah! Rachel: Sit! Joshua: Hi. Rachel: Oh my gosh, Joshua! Joshua: All those things I said about not being ready… Rachel: They’re not true? Joshua: No, they’re-they’re all true. Rachel: Oh. Joshua: But… Rachel: Oh! Oh, I love that but. Rachel: You wanna go inside and have some coffee? Joshua: Yeah. Rachel: Okay. Every time. Closing Credits Joey: Oooh, what you got there? Phoebe: Pastrami. Joey: Oh-ho-ho, yeah! Hey! Y’know what goes good with that? Phoebe: Hm-mm, corn beef. Joey: Ooh, I was gonna say bologna, but that’s much better. How about a little of that smoked turkey? Phoebe: Okay. Joey: Oh mama! Uh when-when is the baby due? Phoebe: Six months. Joey: Ugh. Now if a cow should die of natural causes, I can have one of those right? Phoebe: Not if I get there first. End Story by Mark J. Kunerth Teleplay by Richard Goodman Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Mr. Treeger: Ohhh, man!! Joey: What is that? Chandler: Treeger’s snaking the shower drain. Mr. Treeger: What in the name of hell? Joey: Maybe he found you flip-flop. Chandler: Hey! Joey: Whoa! Is this porn? What did I do? I must’ve hit something on the remote. Chandler: Do we pay for this? Joey: No, we didn’t even pay our cable bill—maybe this is how they punish us. Chandler: Maybe we shouldn’t pay our phone bill—free phone sex. Joey: Maybe we shouldn’t pay our gas bill? Mr. Treeger: Whoa, hey, that lady’s all kinds of naked. Chandler: Yeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just, came on! Mr. Treeger: Yeah, it happened to me once. I was just flipping through the channels and bam! It was like finding money. Chandler: Like finding money with naked people on it! Mr. Treeger: Then I made the mistake of turning off the TV, I never got it back again. And I’m sad. Joey: Opening Credits Rachel: All right, y’know what, come on, do we really have to watch this while we eat? Joey and Chandler: Oh no-no-no-no! Chandler: We don’t know what could make this go away. Joey: Yeah, so no one touches the remote. And no one touches the TV! Chandler: And no one touches the air around the TV! Joey: Imagine a protective porn bubble if you will, okay? Monica: Well at least, I’m going to mute it. Joey and Chandler: Oh no-no-no! Chandler: We still have porn. Joey: Hey. Phoebe: Hi! Monica: Hi! Rachel: Honey, what are you doing? That’s too heavy. Phoebe: Yeah. Rachel: Give it here. Monica: Okay. Phoebe: Ohh, I’m getting too pregnant for this, lugging around a stupid massage table. Y’know, I have to find a job where I carrying a smaller table. Chandler: Or a job where you don’t have to carry a table. Phoebe: You mean like a doctor? Joey: Pheebs! You’re blocking the porn! Look out! Phoebe: Ohh! Oh my. Oh, that reminds me, I have to see my OB-GYN today. Ross: Hi. Monica: Hi. Ross: So uh, Emily just went to the airport. Monica: Oh. Why didn’t you take her? Ross: Eh, her-her uncle already had planned on doing it. And y’know, we-we said our good-byes this morning, so… Monica: You must feel horrible. Hey! The guys have free porn! Ross: Nah. Monica: Hey, cheer up! You’re gonna see her again, right? Ross: Well I, that’s the thing, I don’t know! I mean, whenever I brought it up with her she said, "This is so fantastic! Why do we have to talk about the future? Let’s just enjoy…" Monica: No-no-no, don’t-don’t do the accent. You’ve got to see her again. Ross: And why do you care so much? Monica: Because! You could get to live out my fantasy! Ross: You had fantasies about Emily? Monica: No! Y’know, the fantasy! Meet someone from a strange land, fall in madly love, and spend the rest of your lives together. Ross: Is that why in junior high you were the only one that hung out with that Ukrainian kid? Monica: Yeah that, plus his mom used to put sour cream on everything! Ross: Ahh. Monica: Do you love her? Ross: We said it was only going to be two weeks, y’know? Monica: You love her! Ross: What-what is love really? Monica: Ohhh, I knew you loved her! Then you need to go to the airport and tell her. You’re probably just gonna catch her just as she’s about to go to the gate. You’re gonna call out her name and say, "I love you!" And she’s gonna say, "I love you, too!" And you guys are going to have the most amazing kiss, everyone at the gate will applaud. Ross: I am a good kisser. Monica: Then you two can, can sneak into the cockpit, and things will start to heat up, and then a stewardess comes in… I’ve been watching too much porn. Rachel: Is that the heartbeat? The Doctor: That’s it. Phoebe: Oh my God! Rachel: Oh wow! This is so cool. The Doctor: Have we talked about the possibility of multiple births? Phoebe: Why don’t take care of this one, and should I get pregnant again, I’ll hold onto your card, okay? The Doctor: No, I’m getting three separate heartbeats. Phoebe: Three? You guys were worried I wouldn’t even have one! The Doctor: Doctors are wrong all the time. Phoebe: Well, yeah. Rachel: Well, so, are-are you sure that there are three?! The Doctor: Definitely. Phoebe: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!! So I-I mean so in a few months I’m going to have three full grown babies just walkin’ around inside me?! Oh! Oh! And it’s gonna be one of those log rides where they just come shooting out! The Doctor: Actually, giving birth to three babies isn’t that different from giving birth to one. Phoebe: What do you know?! Alice: Oh-oh, Phoebe! Phoebe: Ooh! Hi! Alice: Hi! So, how did it go at the doctors? Phoebe: Oh well, okay, hey, y’know how when you’re umm, you’re walking down the street and you see three people in a row, and you say, "Oh, that’s nice?" Frank: Yes. Phoebe: Okay, yeah well, good news, you’re going to have three babies. Alice: Three babies? Frank: I finally got my band! Alice: We’re gonna have a big family, I’ve always wanted a big family! Phoebe: Oh God, I’m so glad you guys are happy, I was so afraid you were going to be all freaked. Frank: Why would we be freaked? Phoebe: No, no maybe ‘cause it’s harder to raise them, and the added expense, and… Frank: Oh. Alice: Right. Phoebe: No, back to happy. Back to happy! Alice: No-no-no, no, it’s going to be fine. Because umm, because I teach Home Ec, and uh, I can have 30 kids making baby clothes all year long. Y’know it’ll-it’ll be like my very own little sweatshop. Frank: Yeah, I’ve been thinking ever since you said we were having triplets, the best thing for me to do is to drop out of college and get a job. Alice: No, Frank. Phoebe: No you can’t quit college! No! You’re in college? Really? Frank: Yeah, refrigerator college. Alice: Yeah. Frank: Yeah, y’know when we found out we were going to have a baby, y’know I figured y’know like I should y’know have like a career—and I love refrigerators! Phoebe: You can’t give up on your dream. Frank: No, it’s okay. We’re-we’re gonna have three kids! And that’s-that’s a different kind of dream. Three kids and no money. Ticket Agent: This is the boarding call for Flight 009. Ross: Emily! Emily: Oh my God! What are you doing here? Ross: I just, I had to see you one more time before you took-off. Emily: You are so sweet. Ross: That’s, that’s, that’s a big candy bar. I had the most amazing time with you. Emily: Me too. Ticket Agent: This is the final boarding call for Flight 009. Emily: Well, that’ me. Ross: Wait uh, listen. I-I, I have to tell you something. Umm, I’ve been thinking, I’m just gonna come out and say it. Okay? I-I-I ah, I-I think I love you. Emily: Oh. Ross: That’s no problem. Commercial Break Rachel: What’s that song? It has been in my head all day long. Chandler: It’s the theme from Good Will Humping. Rachel: Y’know who doesn’t even like dirty movies? My new boyfriend Joshua. Joey: Yeah right. Rachel: No, he told me. He prefers to leave certain things to the imagination. Chandler: Oh-oh, yeah, and did he also say that ah, some of the dialogue was corny and that he actually found it was funny and not sexy? Rachel: Yes! Joey: Yeah, he likes porn. Monica: Where ya going? Rachel: I’m going to find out if he really thinks supermodels are too skinny. Hey, Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey. Joey: Hey! Monica: How did it go with Frank and Alice? Phoebe: Well, Frank has to quit college because his super fertile sister is having three babies! I need to make a lot of money really fast, and I had an idea that I want to talk to you about, ‘cause you work for a big company. Okay, insider trading, what information is there that you can give me. Chandler: They don’t really talk to us about that kind of stuff. I can get you some free white out though. Monica: Ohh! Did you do what I said? Did-did-did you tell her? Ross: I did. Monica: And well, what did she say? Ross: Thank you. Monica: Oh, you’re totally welcome! What’d she say? Ross: She said, "Thank you." I said, "I love you." And she said, "Thank you." Chandler: Whoa-whoa, wait a minute, did you say, you love her? Joey: Yeah, what were you trying to get her to do?! Ross: What do I do now? Joey: You play hard to get. Ross: She already lives in London. Joey: Then you go to Tokyo. Chandler: All right look, forget it, forget it. You told her you love her, it’s over. Monica: It is not over! You’re over! Chandler: What? Monica: You know! Chandler: Okay. Good one. Monica: It is not over because she is going to call you and tell you she loves you. And the reason why she couldn’t, is because her feelings were so strong, it scared her. Now you go home and wait for her call, she could be calling you from the plane! Come on now go! Go! Ross: Okay! Okay! But if she doesn’t call, it is definitely over! No, wait. Wait. Unless, eventually, I call her, y’know just to she what’s going on, and, and she says she’ll call me back, but then she doesn’t. Then it’s over. Joey: Way to be strong, man! Rachel: Hey! Chandler: Hi! Listen, can we watch cartoons on your television? We need a porn break. We spent the last two hours watching In & Out & In, Again. Rachel: Well, so, why don’t you just turn it off? Chandler: Because then we would be the guys who turned off free porn. Phoebe: Ooh, good, you’re hear! Okay. Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hi! Rachel: Well, what-what ‘cha got there? Phoebe: Oh this, well I’m glad you asked. Ahh! Now, I know what you’re thinking… Chandler: Pregnant Woman Slays Four? Monica: Phoebe, they didn’t make you pay for those knives, did they? Phoebe: No! Monica: Are you sure? Phoebe: No! Rachel: Honey, you’re not gonna make enough money to help Frank and Alice just by selling knives. Phoebe: No-no, I know that, but I just have to make enough money for the second part of my plan. Chandler: What’s the second part of your plan? Phoebe: My Saturn dealership. Ross: Hello? Emily: Ross. Ross: Emily, hi! Uh, how-how was you flight? Emily: It was dreadful. I felt terrible about how I acted when you said those wonderful things. Ross: No, no, that-that, that’s all right. Umm, I’m just glad you called. Emily: Ross umm, there’s something that I’ve got to tell you, there’s-there’s someone else. Ross: Does that mean the same thing in England as it does in America? Ross: She doesn’t know which one of us she wants, me or this Colin guy. Monica: This isn’t how it’s supposed to go, there can’t be another guy. Ross: Well… Monica: Of course there’s another guy!! This is even more perfect! Now you have to prove your love! Ross: I’m not proving anything. Okay, I’m done listening to you. If I hadn’t let you talk me into going to the airport in the first place, I never would’ve put my fist through the wall! Chandler: You put your fist through the wall? Ross: No, I missed and hit the door. But, it opened really hard! Monica: You have to go to London! Ross: What? Monica: Yeah, you have to go fight for her! Joey: Oh yeah, sure, that makes sense. Yeah. ‘Cause you already told her you love her and she didn’t say it back, then she called you and told you that there’s another guy, so yeah, go to London that’ll scare her! Monica: When Rachel was with Paulo, what did you do? Ross: I made fun of his accent. Monica: You sat back and let him have her, you didn’t fight at all. Am I right? Do you want the same thing to happen with Emily? Ross: No. Monica: All right then, go fight for her! Go to London! I mean, that could be you and Emily! That, but-but nicer. Just, go to London! Ross: Really? Monica: Come on! Surprise her! Show up at her doorstep! Don’t let her go without a fight! Ross: All right. All right, I’m gonna do it! Monica: All right. Ross: I’m gonna, I’m gonna go to London and I’m going to fight for her. Monica: Okay, good luck! Joey: Ross! Ross! If you’re going to the airport, could you pick me up another one of those Toblerone bars? Rachel: Hey! Phoebe: Ooh-Ooh! I did it! I did it! I figured out a way to make money! I’m gonna open up my own massage place and Frank’s gonna help me! And! We can work it around his schedule so he doesn’t have to quit school! Monica: That’s sounds great, but how are you going to afford it? Rachel: Well, we were walking down the street and we saw that van that you guys used for catering and we realised… Phoebe: I’m telling it! I’m telling it! Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: Okay. You know how people need transportation, but they also need massages to help them relax so I just figured we could combine the two, okay, I give the massages and Frank drives! I can fix up the van, bolt the table in the back, and you know what I’ve got? Chandler: A place where no one will ever get out alive? Phoebe: No! Think about it, it’s a taxi that people take when they need to relax, it’s… Rachel: Relaxi-Taxi! Phoebe: The name was my favourite part! Rachel: Well, well I can up with it! Phoebe: YOU DID NOT!!!! Oh! No! You came up with Relaxi Cab! That’s not good. Rachel: Well, I… Monica: Hello. Ross: Hey. Monica: Oh my God! Ross, are you in England? Was Emily surprised? Ross: No, because she hasn’t come home yet. And she hasn’t been home all night! She’s obviously staying with that other guy, and I’m the stupid moron who spent the whole night outside her apartment! Monica: All right. When is, when is the next flight out? Ross: About four hours. Monica: Okay, just stay there a couple more hours and if she doesn’t show up by then, then just come on home. Phoebe: Hey, tell him about Relaxi-Taxi, and-and ask him if he thinks that’s better than Relaxi Cab. Rachel: Okay, it’s not Relaxi Cab. It’s Relaxicab, like taxicab. Phoebe: Oh, that is better. Chandler: Are we in London? Monica: What are you doing here? You can’t be here! Emily: I’ve uh, I’ve come to talk to Ross. Emily: What? Joey: Nothing. No, nothing. Emily: I was going to call him, but… Monica: Oh, you came to tell him you love him! I knew it! I’m right, right? Emily: I’d really rather talk to him. Monica: Oh. Emily: I uh, I’ve been to his apartment and he wasn’t there, and uh. I need to talk to him, so do you have any idea where he is? Emily: Ross, are you there? Ross, I don’t know if you can hear this but… I’m gonna talk anyway, uh, I’m in the States with you sister and your friends and it’s all over with Colin. I came here to tell you that, and to tell you—Yes, Joey you can have all the chocolate you want, just take it! Uh, I came here to tell you that I love you. Ross: Emily: I wish I could know if you’d heard any of that. I suppose I’ve either just told you I love you or given my neighbours a good laugh. Mrs. Newman if you’re listening, bugger off this in none of your business. I suppose there’s not much chance you did heard that, and there’s the call waiting so, I should go. Oh well. Hello. Ross: Hi. Emily: Ross, I love you! Ross: Ohh! Thank you. Closing Credits Chandler: Hey. Joey: Hey. Chandler: I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didn’t ask me to go do it with her in the vault. Joey: Same kind of thing happened to me! Woman pizza delivery guy come over, gives me the pizza, takes the money, and leaves! Chandler: What, no, "Nice apartment, I bet the bedrooms are huge?" Joey: Noo! Nothing! Chandler: Y’know what, we have to turn off the porn. Joey: I think you’re right. Chandler: All right, ready? Joey: One. Chandler: Two. Both: Three. Joey: That’s kinda nice. Chandler: Yeah, that’s kinda a relief. Joey: Yeah. Chandler: You wanna see if we still have it? Joey: Yeah. Chandler: FREE PORN!!! Joey: Yeah!! Chandler: We have free porn here!!! End Teleplay by: Jill Condon & Amy Toomin Story by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Phoebe: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Wow, it is true what they say, pregnant bellies look like a drum. Phoebe: No, it’s just I’m so pregnant that I—my guitar doesn’t fit anymore. So I thought ‘til I’m not, I’m just gonna play all my songs on this drum. It sounds really cool! Chandler: All right. Phoebe: Listen. Listen. Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Joey: Wow, Pheebs! That sounds great! Phoebe: I know! I know, and I’ve only been playing for like an hour! Alice: Phoebe! Phoebe! Hi! Hi! Phoebe: Hey! What are you doing here? Alice: Umm, actually, I came down to ask you a big favour. Phoebe: Oh, well, don’t tell me you want to keep more of your stuff in my uterus. Alice: Okay, now, see, I wanna name the girl baby Leslie, and Frank wants to name one of the boy babies Frank JR. JR. Chandler: Wouldn’t that be Frank the III? Alice: Don’t get me started. Anyway, umm, since there are three babies and umm, we both got to put our names in, we would be truly honoured if you named the other boy baby. Phoebe: Wow! That’s so great! Oh! Oh! Cougar. Alice: You think about it. Opening Credits Emily: I left a bra drying on the shower rod, you don’t think your son will think it’s yours and be horribly traumatised? Ross: Hey, if mommy can have a wife, daddy can have a bra. Emily: Ohh, it’s time to go. Ross: Oh, no-no-no, see, that-that clock’s a little fast, uh, we have 17 minutes. Huh, what can we do in 17 minutes? Twice? Emily: Well that’s ambitious. Ross: Hey, uh, you can ignore that. Emily: That’s Carol with your son! Ross: Uhh, believe me when he’s older, he’ll understand. Carol: Ross! Ross: I’ll be right there. Hey. Uhh, Emily, this is Carol and Susan. Susan: Hey, it’s so nice to finally meet you! Emily: Me too! Carol: Ohh, y’know, Susan’s gonna be shooting a commercial in London next week. Susan: Oh yeah, I’m so excited, I’ve never been there. Emily: Oh, well, I’ll show you around. Susan: That would be great! Also, uh, I was hoping to catch a show so if you can make any suggestions… Emily: Oh, there’s tonnes of terrific stuff—I’ll go with you! Susan: Ahh! Ross: Look at you two, bonding, making us late for the airport so… Emily: Are you all right? Susan: Oh, he’s fine. He’s fine. It’s just that us getting along is difficult for him, because he doesn’t like me. Ross: Oh come on! That’s-that’s… true. Phoebe: Hi! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Do we have a baby name yet? Phoebe: Ugh! No! This is so hard! I went through this whole book and found nothing! I want a name that’s really like, y’know strong and confident, y’know? Like-like Exxon. Chandler: Well, it certainly worked for that Valdez kid. Joey: Ooh-ooh, Pheebs, you want a strong name? How about, The Hulk? Phoebe: No, I’m-I’m not sure about Hulk, but I like the idea of a name starting with "The." Joey: Oh, want a good name, go with Joey. Joey’s your pal. Joey’s your buddy. "Where is everybody?" "Well, they’re hanging out with Joey." Chandler: Hey, y’know what, if you’re gonna do that, if you’re gonna name him Joey, you should name him Chandler. Oh, come on! Chandler’s funny, sophisticated, and he’s very loveable, once you get to know him. Joey: Oh well, hey, Joey’s loveable too! But the thing about Joey is, if you need him, he’ll be there. Chandler: Well, Chandler will be there for you too. I mean, well, he might be a little late, but-but, he’ll be there. And he’ll bring you some cold soda, if want you need him for is that you’re really hot. Joey: What do ya say? What do ya say? Phoebe: Well, I, I like the idea of naming him after someone I love, and Joey and Chandler are great names. But, all right, I don’t—maybe I’ll just name him The Hulk. Joey: I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned it! That’s what I wanted to name my kid! Rachel: Hey, Mon, if you were hoping to sleep with Joshua the first time tonight, which one of these would you want to be wearing. Monica: Y’know what? It really creeps me out choosing other people’s sex clothes. Rachel: Sorry. I’m so exited! I’ve been waiting for this for months! I got my hair coloured! I got new sheets! I’m making him a very fancy meal. Monica: Um-hmm. Rachel: What am I making him by the way? Monica: Well, you’re making him a frieze salad with goat cheese and pine nuts, wild nuts, wild rice, roast asparagus, and salmon au croup. Rachel: I thought I was making him filet mignon? Monica: Yeah, you were, but you decided to make salmon because you had some left over at the restaurant. And then you realised if you would have to make your famous baked potato and Diet Coke. Rachel: Wow, I really get crabby when I cook. Ross: Hey! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Ross: So uh, Emily called last night… Chandler: And now you’re giving me the message! Ross: Turns out them Emily is just crazy about Susan. Yeah, they’re going to the theatre together! They’re going to dinner! They’re going horseback riding! Phoebe: God, Susan is so fun! Ross: Look, this is just a little too familiar, okay? For like, for like six months before Carol and I spilt up, all I heard was: "My friend Susan is so smart. My friend Susan is so funny. My friend Susan is so great." Chandler: You actually think that something can happen between Emily and Susan? Ross: Hey, they’re going to the gym together! Two women! Stretching! Y’know they-they take a steam together! Things get a little playful—didn’t you see Personal Best? Joey: No, but I’m gonna! Chandler: Hi! Hi! You’re crazy! Okay? This is Emily. Emily is straight. Ross: How do you know? I mean we thought Carol was straight before I married her! Phoebe: Yeah, I definitely. I don’t like the name Ross. Ross: What a weird way to kick me when I’m down. Phoebe: No! No! I-I meant for the baby! Ross: Oh. What’s wrong with Ross? Phoebe: Well, it’s just y’know that something like this would never to like The Hulk, y’know… Ross: Actually that-that’s not true, in The Incredible Hulk uh, No. 72, Dr. Bruce Banner found… Phoebe: So, I decided I’m definitely going to go with either Joey or Chandler. Joey: Oh! Oh-oh, you gotta pick Joey! I mean, name one famous person named Chandler. Chandler: Raymond Chandler. Joey: Someone you didn’t make up! Chandler: Okay, there are no famous Joey’s. Except for, huh, Joey Buttafucco. Joey: Yeah, that guy really hurt us. Phoebe: Well, how about a compromise then, okay? What if it’s like y’know, Chanoey? Chandler: Okay, look, Joey! Come on, think about it, first of all, he’ll never be President. There’s never gonna be a President Joey. Joey: All right look man, I didn’t want to bring this up, but Chandler, is the stupidest name I ever heard in my life! It’s not even a name; it’s barely even a word. Okay? It’s kinda like chandelier, but it’s not! All right? It’s a stupid, stupid non-name! Chandler: Wow, you’re, you’re right. I have a horrible, horrible name. Joey: I’m sorry man, I didn’t—I’m-I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Chandler: Okay. Joey: So I guess it’s Joey then! Joshua: This is so nice. Thank you for doing this. Rachel: Ohh, please! Cooking soothes me. Ahh. So, dig in! Joshua: Great! Oh, it all looks sooo good! Rachel: Hmmm! Joshua: Oh my God! Rachel: Oh I know, my God, this is so—this rice is so—I am so good. Joshua: Behind you? Rachel: Oh, yeah, I’m sorry. They used to live here; sometimes they migrate back over. Joshua: Is there ah, is there some way they can not be here. It’s just ah, farm birds really kinda freak me out! Rachel: Yeah, sure, okay. Okay. Joey: Rachel: All gone! So, farm birds, huh? Joshua: Yeah, it’s-it’s my only weird thing, I swear. And I-I-I would’ve told you about it, but I didn’t know they would be here. Rachel: Oh. Joshua: So, all right. Rachel: Okay. So, can I serve you a little of—What? What? What? Joshua: Nothing I uh, it’s just that I know that they’re still out there. Rachel: But, they’re across the hall! I mean that’s two doors away, it would take them a long time to peck their way back over here. Joshua: Okay, that’s-that’s not funny. Uhh. Rachel: Okay, y’know, would you feel better if we went someplace else? I mean we could pack all this stuff up and y’know go to your apartment. Joshua: Oh, they’re working on this week, it’s a total mess. But uh, I’m staying at my parents’ house, we could go there. Rachel: Your parents’? Joshua: Yeah, they’re out of town. Rachel: Ohh. Joshua: Yeah-yeah, it’s this huge place, and-and it’s got this gorgeous view of the park, and very, very romantic. What do you say? Rachel: Yeah that works. Joshua: They-they-they can smell fear. Ross: Hey! Carol: Hey! How’s Ben? Ross: Well, I asked him if he wanted to eat, he said, "No." I asked him if he wanted to sleep, he said, "No." I asked him what he wanted to do, he said, "No." So, he’s sweeping. Carol: Hey, Ben! Hey! Ross: So umm, any word from Susan? Carol: Ooh, yeah! She said she’s having sooo much fun with Emily. Ross: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh, by the by, did it uh, did it ever occur to you that, I don’t know, maybe they might be having a little too much fun? Carol: What’s too much fun? Ross: Y’know, the kind of fun, you and Susan had when we were married. Carol: Oh my God, you are so paranoid! Ross: Am I?! Carol: Yes! Ross: Am I?! Carol: I can’t speak for Emily, but Susan is in a loving, committed relationship. Ross: Uh-huh, Carol, so were we. All right, just-just imagine for a moment, Susan meets someone and-and they really hit it off. Y’know? Say-say they’re coming back from the theatre, and they-they stop at a pub for a couple of drinks, they’re laughing, y’know, someone innocently touches someone else… There’s electricity, it’s new. It’s exciting. Are you telling me there isn’t even the slightest possibility of something happening? Carol: Maybe. Ross: OH MY GOD!! I didn’t really believe it until you just said it!! Joshua: …and even though none of the other kids believed me, I swear to God, that duck pushed me! Rachel: Wow! This place is fabulous! Joshua: Yeah, yeah, let me show you around. This is the uh, downstairs living room. Rachel: Whoa-whoa, there’s two living rooms? God, growing up here, this place must’ve been a real babe magnet. Joshua: Yeah, well, it would’ve been, but uh, my parents just moved here. Rachel: Ohh, you should know, this place is a real babe magnet. Wanna make out? Joshua: Hey, here’s an idea. Why don’t uh, I put the food in the fridge and we can eat it later? Rachel: That sounds like a plan. Umm, is there a place I can go freshen up? Joshua: Oh yeah, yeah uh, it’s down the hall and uh, second door to your left. Rachel: Ah. Mrs. Burgin: Oh, hi, darling! Joshua: Mom, Dad, what are you guys doing here? Mrs. Burgin: Oh, well we cut the trip short. Mr. Burgin: France sucks! Joshua: Umm, this may be a little weird, but I-I-I got a date here. Mrs. Burgin: Oh, say no more! Mr. Burgin: We’ll just grab some food and take it with us right upstairs, and we’ll be right out of you hair. Joshua: Oh, that-that would be great. So you didn’t even get to Italy? Mr. Burgin: Yep, sucks! Rachel: Hi you! Joshua: Oh my God! Rachel: I know, I can do more than cook. Mr. Burgin: I like her. She sees smart. Commercial Break Joshua: Uhh, Rachel, my parents… Rachel: Ohh! It’s so nice to meet you. Hello. Mr. Burgin: Hi. Rachel: Hello. Mrs. Burgin: Hello. Well, Joshua, that $500 was for groceries. Rachel: What? This-this, no, oh no, no-no-no, this is not—that’s-that’s not what it is. See, see, okay, I work in fashion, see and-and, this is a real dress actually. It’s-it’s, they’re-they’re wearing it in Milan, so part of my job is too wear the clothes, and then I see how people respond, and then I report back to my superiors at Bloomingdale’s, so… And obviously in uh, in-in this case, I am going to report back, "USA not ready." Mrs. Burgin: Maybe in L.A? Rachel: Yes! Joshua: There you go. Mr. Burgin: So, have you kids eaten yet? Rachel: Well, we were going to do that after—I mean umm, next. Mr. Burgin: Well, we’re starving, why don’t we all go get something to eat? Rachel: Oh, yeah, well… Yeah, no use wasting this baby, just lyin’ around the house. Mr. Burgin: So… We go eat. Rachel: Yes. Mr. Burgin: You’ll wear that. We’ll be eating, and of course, you’ll be wearing that. Joey: Dude, I am sorry about what I said! Chandler: No, no, you’re right, it is a ridiculous name! Joey: It’s not that bad. Chandler: Yes it is! From now on, I have no first name. Joey: So, you’re just Bing? Chandler: I have no name. Phoebe: All right, so, what are we supposed to call you? Chandler: Okay uh, for now, temporarily, you can call me, Clint. Joey: No way are you cool enough to pull of Clint. Chandler: Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off? Phoebe: Umm, Gene. Chandler: It’s Clint. It’s Clint! Joey: See you later, Gene. Phoebe: Bye, Gene. Chandler: It’s Clint! Clint! Joey: What’s up with Gene? Monica: So, you wore your nightie to dinner? Rachel: Oh, yeah. And uh, the best part though, when the uh, waiter spilled water down my back, I jumped up, and my boob popped out. Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica: Oh, no! Rachel: No, it’s all right. I got nice boobs. Ross: So, I just picked up a message from Emily, she and Susan are going to a poetry reading together! Rachel: So? Ross: So! Poetry? Susan’s gay! They’re being gay together! Monica: Emily’s straight. Ross: Oh, wake up! Phoebe: Wow, Carol really messed you up! Ross: Excuse me? Phoebe: Yeah, she turned you into this-this-this untrusting, crazy, jealous, sycophant. All right, so I don’t know what sycophant means, but the rest is right. Ross: Look, I don’t know what you’re talking about, I am not a crazy, jealous person. Rachel: Huh. Ross: What? Rachel: She’s totally right! When we were together, you got all freaked out about Mark and there was nothing going on. Monica: This totally makes sense! Ross: It does not! Monica: Oh, sure it does! In high school, you weren’t jealous at all even though all your girlfriends were cheating on you! Phoebe: All right, all right, so up until ‘92-93 he was very trusting, then ’94 hit, Carol left him and bamn! Paranoid city! Rachel: Absolutely! Absolutely! Monica: This is so much fun! Ross: This is not fun! Monica: Look, all we’re trying to say is, don’t let what happened with Carol ruin what you got with Emily. Phoebe: Yeah. The ’92 Ross wouldn’t. Ross: Well, I still think I was right about that whole Mark thing. Rachel: What—yeah—what, y’know what? I hope Emily is a lesbian. Phoebe: Drum roll. Chandler: Okay. Okay. All right. Help! Am I a Mark, or a John? Joey: Nah, you’re not tall enough to be a Mark, but you might make a good Barney. Chandler: All right look, am I serious, okay? Tomorrow at 3:30 I am going down to the courthouse. Phoebe: You’re actually going through with this? Chandler: Hey, look, this name has been holding me back my entire life. Okay, it’s probably why kids picked on me in school, and why I never do well with women… So, as of 4 o’clock tomorrow, I’m either gonna be Mark Johnson or John Markson. Phoebe: You got problems because of you! Not your name! All right, this has got to stop! Chandler is a great name! In fact—yes, I’m, I’m sorry. I know you really wanted me to name the baby Joey, but eh, so, I’m-I’m, I’m gonna, I’m gonna name the baby Chandler. Chandler: Really?! Phoebe: Yeah, but you have to keep the name too! Chandler: Okay. Thanks. Phoebe: Okay! Chandler: You wanna hug it out? Phoebe: Yeah! Phoebe: Yay! Chandler: Yay! Phoebe: Yay—oh—yay! Okay, I gotta go tell Frank and Alice! Right now! Chandler: Okay! Phoebe: Ooh, uh… Chandler: Bye, Pheebs! Phoebe: Okay, bye! Chandler: Ha! Ha! Ha! Joey: Ohh! Closing Credits Ross: Nice luggage. Carol: I was gonna say… Susan: Hey! Ross: Hi! Emily: Hey! I missed you. Ross: Oh, I missed you too. Susan: Thanks for everything, I had such a great time. Emily: Oh, so did I. Ross: End Written by: Wil Calhoun & Scott Silveri Transcribed by: Eric Aasen The Singing Man: Morning’s here! Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the morning’s here! The morning’s here! Rachel: HEY!! Do you have to do that? It’s Saturday! The Singing Man: Oh come on! Morning’s here! Morning’s here! The morning is here! Sunshine is here! Rachel: I hate this apartment! I hate the color of these walls! I hate the fact that this place still smells like bird! I hate that singing guy! Joey: Are you kidding? I love that guy! Morning’s here! Morning is here— Rachel: Stop it! I will kill you. I hate the fact that my room is so small. Monica: Hey, I have all the space I need. Just do what I did. Rachel: Monica, you don’t even have a bed, you sleep in a ball on the floor! Monica: Y’know what? I am really tired of your bellyaching! Okay, I-I worked really hard at making this a nice place for us to live! Rachel: I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Monica: Okay. Joey: See, this is a great apartment. Monica: Shut up! This place is a hole! Opening Credits Emily: Oh, blimey, I still can’t believe you’ve got an earring! Ross: Huh? I know, I know. Who am I? David Bowe? Emily: He does that?! Ross: Uh, I don’t know, whatever. Emily: I think it makes you look really dangerous. Ross: Oh, I know. Y’know what, I never would’ve gotten this if it weren’t for you. No really, when I’m with you I’m-I’m like this whole other guy, I love that guy! I mean, I love you too, a lot, but that guy! I-I love that guy! Emily: I love both of you! Ross: Yeah? Emily: I wish I didn’t have to go. Ross: Then don’t. Stay here. Just don’t go so soon to London, just one more day. Emily: Ohh, Ross, please! Ross: One more day, seriously/ Emily: Don’t do this to me, again. You’d know I’d stay here in a minute, but I’d really miss so much work, they’ll fire me. Ross: So, then you can stay as long as you want. Emily: I wish I could. Ross: Oh no. Don’t, don’t, don’t start packing. Come on! Emily: I don’t think you understand packing. Look, I just don’t want to leave it to the last minute. Last time I left in such a rush, I left my knickers here. Ross: Yeah, I know, I uh, I tried them on. Emily: You didn’t! Ross: No. No, I didn’t. I didn’t want to be that guy. Phoebe: Hello! Chandler: Ho! Ho! Ho! Phoebe: Excuse me. Chandler: Your pants! Phoebe: Oh, yeah! You like ‘em? I just, I went to a used clothes store and got a bunch of maternity stuff. These are sooo comfortable! Joey: Uhh, Pheebs, those are uh, those are Santa pants. Phoebe: What? Chandler: Santa pants. Santa Claus’s pants. Phoebe: Nuh-uh! They’re maternity pants. They even came with a list of baby names. Ohh. Rachel: Hey! Monica: Hey! Rachel: So—Hey, Pheebs! So, how are the elves? Phoebe: I don’t know! How are the-the-the-the, y’know—You’re clothes aren’t funny. Monica: Hey, guys, what-what should I wear to a Knicks game? Chandler: Uhh, a T-shirt that says, "I don’t belong here." Joey: You have Knicks tickets? Rachel: Yeah, my mom got my dad’s season tickets in the divorce, so she just gave them to me. Monica: Yeah, apparently, they’re pretty good seats. Rachel: Yeah. Joey: Oh my God! Those are almost right on the floor! Rachel: Do you guys want these? Joey: Yeah! Chandler: Yeah we do! Rachel: Ohh, well you got ‘em. Both: All right! Rachel: Just give us our apartment back! Phoebe: Boy! I didn’t see that coming! Chandler: Are you serious? Rachel: Oh, come on! We know what these are worth. Monica: Yeah, what, do you think we’re stupid? Joey: You’re not stupid. You’re meaner than I thought. Monica: What do you say? Chandler: Forget it! Okay, I’m not giving up my bachelor pad for some basketball seats! Rachel: You’re bachelor pad?! Monica: Have you even had a girl up here? Chandler: No. But uh, Joey has, and I usually talk to them in the morning time. Joey: Yeah, you do! Joey: Come on! Chandler: Yes, Gunther, can I get two cups of chino, please? Gunther: Good one. Joey: Come on, season tickets! Season tickets, do you know what that means? Chandler: Forget it! Okay, I’m not giving up the apartment. Joey: Oh come—look, when I was a kid my dad’s company gave season tickets to the number one salesman every year, all right? My dad never won! Of course, he wasn’t in the sales division, but still, I never ever, ever forgot that! Ross: Joey: Hey! Chandler: Oh my God! Joey: We don’t make enough fun of you already? Ross: Oh yeah, Emily convinced me to do it. Chandler: You do know that Wham broke up? Ross: I like it, and Emily likes it, and that’s what counts. So uh, how are you guys doing? Joey: Oh-no, don’t try and talk all normal with that thing in your ear. Chandler: Where is Emily? Ross: Ugh, she’s saying good-bye to her uncle. Chandler: Man, didn’t she like just get here? Ross: Yeah!! Yeah! Chandler: Easy tiger. Ross: I just, I hate this so much! I mean, every time I go pick her up at the airport, it’s-it’s so great. But at the same time I’m thinking, "Well, I’m gonna be right back there in a couple of days, dropping her off." Chandler: So what are you going to do? Ross: Nothing! There’s nothing to do! I mean, she lives there, I live here. I mean, she-she’d have to uh, move here. She should move here! Joey: What? Ross: I could ask her to live with me! Chandler: Are you serious? Ross: I mean, why not! I mean, I mean why not?! Chandler: Because you’ve only known her for six weeks! Okay, I’ve got a carton of milk in my fridge I’ve had a longer relationship with! Ross: Look guys, when I’m with her it’s-it’s-it’s like she brings this-this-this great side out of me. I mean I-I-I love her, y’know? Chandler: And I love the milk! But, I’m not gonna some British girl to move in with me! Joey, you say things now. Joey: All right look, Ross, he’s right. Emily’s great, she’s great! But this way too soon, you’re only gonna scare her! Ross: I don’t want to do that. Joey: No! You don’t want to wreck it, you don’t want to go to fast! Ross: Yeah, no, you’re right, I know, you’re right, I’m not, I’m not gonna do it. All right, thanks guys. Chandler: Okay, no problem, just remember to wake us up before you go-go. Phoebe: That’s too hard. Too hard! Monica: All right boys, last chance for the tickets! Rachel: Or I’ll give them to my new boyfriend, Joshua. Chandler: No thank you. Joey: Wait-wait-wait-wait! Come on! Come on, let’s trade! The timing’s perfect, I just clogged the toilet! Chandler: Look, I want those basketball seats as much as you do! Okay, but we can’t leave in the small apartment after we’ve lived here! Didn’t you ever read Flowers for Algernon? Joey: Yes! Didn’t you ever read Sports Illustrated?! No! I didn’t read yours! But come on, we can go to the game tonight! Chandler: Look, the only way I will even consider this is if they offer a lot more than just season seats. Joey: It’s the Knicks! Chandler: Screw the Knicks! Joey: Whoa! Chandler: I didn’t mean that. I just meant that the apartment is worth so much more. Joey: Huh. Chandler: And the Knicks rule all. Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule all! Phoebe: Hey, so? Are you gonna do it? Chandler: No. No. We’re not gonna do that, y’know why? Because its not an even trade. Rachel: All right, okay, look, what if you could keep the apartment and get the tickets? Joey: Done! Rachel: Let me finish. Joey: Oh. Rachel: I’m talking about a bet, winner takes all. Joey: Ooh, we could end up with nothing. Phoebe: Or you could end up with everything. Joey: Ooh, I like that. Monica: All right, so what do you say? Chandler: No! Monica: Oh, just do it!! Chandler: Op, op, I’m convinced! Joey: Come on man, you know I’d do it for you! Because, you’re my best friend. Chandler: All right, but you can’t use that again for a whole year. I’m in. Joey: All right! Phoebe: Ooh, this is so exciting! Ooh, God, what are you going to bet? Rachel: Oh, okay, well, I think we should let Phoebe decide, because she’s the only who’s impartial, and she’s so pretty. Phoebe: Okay. Umm, ooh, ooh—oh, I have a game! Joey: Okay! Chandler: Okay! Phoebe: This is great! Joey: What’s the game?! What’s the game?! Phoebe: Oh, well, it doesn’t have a name—oh, okay, Phoebeball! No, it doesn’t have a name. Umm, okay, Monica, what is your favourite thing about trees? Monica: They’re green? Phoebe: Good! Good! Five points! Phoebe: All right, Joey, same question. Joey: Uhh, they’re tall. Phoebe: Ooh, three points. Both fine answers, but we were looking for leafy, leafy. Monica: That’s not even a game! Rachel: What? Shut up! We’re winning! Monica: You wanna finish this right now? All right, we get a deck of cards, high card wins. What do you say? Chandler: Fine, let’s do it. Phoebe: Oh, I have cards! Joey: Oh. Monica: Oh, good. Phoebe: Yeah! Here! Oh no, these are the trick deck. Okay. Here yes. Okay. Chandler: Okay, you guys uh, you guys pick first Rachel: Okay. Monica: Okay. Four. Chandler: That’s a low one! Joey: Yeah! Okay. Phoebe, you look, I can’t. Phoebe: What make you think I can?! Joey: Okay. Okay. Ace! Chandler: Why are you screaming and hugging? Monica: Because we won our apartment back! Joey: What? Ace is high! Jack, queen, king, ace! Monica: No! Ace is low! Ace, two, three, four! Phoebe: I don’t know. Ooh! Ooh! Look it! Ah-ha! Rachel: All right, cut, let’s pick again, pick again. Joey: Okay. Rachel: Come on apartment! Come on apartment! Oh! I know queen is high! Joey: Uh-huh, not as high as… It worked! King! Chandler: Yeah baby! Monica: But, we pick again! We pick again! Joey: Why?! Monica: I don’t know! Chandler: Tickets please! That’s courtside baby! Joey: Seriously, good game though. Good game. What are they so mad about? They get the apartment back! Chandler: No they didn’t! Ross: Hey! Emily: I packed while you were gone. I left some knickers under your pillow. Ross: Move in with me. Emily: What?! Ross: Don’t be scared, I-I know it sounds crazy and-and people will say it’s too soon, but just-just think, think how great it will be. Emily: Ohh, no. Ugh. Oh, leaving London, my whole family lives there. Ross: I know. Emily: My job! Ross: Well, so, you-you’ll get a job here! I mean, I’m always hearing about uh, them foreigners coming in here and stealing American jobs; that could be you! Emily: Yeah, but it-it-it’s my whole life—you come to England. Ross: No, I can’t. I would, I really would, but my son is here; I can’t leave him. Isn’t—you don’t think there’s any way? Emily: Ohh, I don’t think so. I mean it would be different if it was way into the future –and-and-and we were getting married or something. Ross: What? Emily: Oh no, no, right I shouldn’t have said married. Uh, please don’t go freaky on me. I didn’t mean it. Well, I didn’t say it; I take it back! Ross: No, no, don’t. Why don’t we? Emily: Why don’t we what? Ross: Get married. Emily: You are mad! Ross: No! No! I’m not! It’s-it’s-it’s perfect! I mean it’s better than you just-just moving here, ‘cause it’s us together forever, and that’s-that’s what I want. Emily: We’ve only known each other for six weeks! Ross: Yeah, I know, so what? I mean, who’s-who’s to say? Does that me we-we can’t do it? Look, huh, I was with Carol for four years before we got married and I wound up divorced from a pregnant lesbian. I mean, this, this makes sense for us. Come on! I mean, on our first date we ended up spending the whole weekend in Vermont! I mean, last night I got my ear pierced! Me! This feels right. Doesn’t it? Emily: My parents are going to be really mad. Ross: Is that—are you saying yes? Is that yes? Emily: Yes. Emily: Yes! Ross: Yes! We’re getting married?! Emily: Oh my God! Ross: Yes! Emily: We’re getting married! Ross: Come here, come here. Uh, ow! Emily, will you marry me? Emily: Yes. Emily: Ohh, it’s a bit small. Ross: Damn! I thought that was going to be romantic as hell! Emily: It was. Commerical Break Chandler: Those were like the best seats ever. Joey: Oh yeah. Hey! Should we give these shirts to the girls? Y’know, kinda like a peace offering. Chandler: Oh yeah, that’s very nice. Plus, y’know they were free and they’re too small. Chandler: Oh. Oh, God! Joey: Hey, want a beer? WHOA!!!! Chandler: I KNOW!!! Chandler: Open up! Open up! Open up! Monica: We’ll discuss it, in the morning! Chandler: What the hell is going on?! Rachel: We took our apartment back!! Phoebe: Okay, it was my idea, but I don’t feel good about it. Chandler: We are switching back, right now! Monica: No, we’re not! We’re not leaving! Chandler: Well, you’re gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, we’re switching it back! There’s nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joe? Joey: I don’t know. Chandler: What? Joey: I don’t want to move again! Chandler: I don’t care, this is our apartment! And they stole—you stole it—our apartment, and we won that apartment fair and square, twice! And I am getting it back right now. I’m getting back right now! Rachel: All right. We figured you might respond this way, so we have a backup offer. Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no more offers. You can’t offer anything to us! Rachel: Let us keep the apartment and… Monica: As a thank you, Rachel and I will kiss for one minute. Chandler: Totally worth it! Joey: That was one good minute! Chandler: Good night. Joey: Good night. Monica: Men are such idiots. Rachel: Yeah! Can you believe that something that stupid actually got us our apartment back? Phoebe: That’s so funny to think if you’d just done that right after the last contest, no one would have had to move at all. Monica: Yeah, let-let-let’s pretend that’s not true. Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: Okay, scarf’s done. Ross: Come on! Come on. Come on. Chandler: Okay! Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Hey! Monica: What-what’s going on? Joey: Ross has some big thing to tell everyone. Ross: Uhh, okay, it’s uh, Emily and I, we decided to uh, to get married. Phoebe: What? Oh, are you pregnant too?! Emily: Umm, no. Monica: When, when did—how, how did you… Ross: We, we just decided to uh, to go for it. Emily: I mean, we know it’s a bit hasty but, uh, it just feels so right, so… Ross: Umm, uh, I was just telling the guys… Rachel: Yeah, I-I heard. Ohh, I’m so happy for you! Chandler: Oh, well, that’s great! Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Monica: I can’t believe you’re getting married! Ross: Yeah. Joey: Monica and Rachel made out. Closing Credits The Singing Man: Morning’s here! The morning’s here! Both: Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the morning’s here! The Singing Man: Hey! You’re back! Joey: Hey! Get into gear! The Singing Man: Breakfast is near! Both: The dark of night has disappeared!! The Singing Man: I’ll see you tomorrow morning! Joey: Okay! End Story by: Adam Chase Teleplay by: Michael Curtis & Gregory S. Malins Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Chandler: Are you kidding me?! Joey. Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey!! Joey: Joey. Joey. Joey. Joey! Joey!! Chandler: Oh. Oh, did-did-did I wake you? Opening Credits Chandler: Gunther, can I get another cup of coffee, please? So uh, what do you do when you’re not working here? Gunther: You don’t need to fill these silences. Chandler: Oh, okay, thanks. Monica: Chandler, that’s like your fourth cup of coffee! Chandler: Well, I am drinking lots of cups of coffee because I’m exhausted! Because Joey started snoring! Monica: He’s in a different room! He’s really that loud? Joey: Oh, you should here me. Chandler: It’s not something to be proud of, okay? You have to go to a sleep clinic! Joey: Look, I told ya, I’m not going to any clinic! I don’t have a problem, you’re the one with the problem! You should go to a "Quit being a baby and leave me alone" clinic! Chandler: They don’t have those. Joey: Yeah, they do! Quit being a baby and leave me alone! There, you’ve just had your first class! Monica: Y’know I used to go out with this guy that was a really light sleeper, and whenever I started to snore, he would just roll me over… Joey: Ohhh, yeah! Monica: He would just roll me over and I would stop snoring. Chandler: Next time you snore, I’m rolling ya over! Joey: I gotta do what I gotta do, you gotta do what you gotta do, you just do it. Ross: Hey guys! Chandler: Hey, all right! Phoebe: Hey! Phoebe: Oh, the Olympics. Monica: Have you guys picked a date yet? Ross: Oh no, not yet. Phoebe: I still cannot believe you’re engaged! Just ‘cause its happening so fast; not ‘cause you’re such a loser. Ross: Oh. Thanks. Uh, has anyone seen Rach? Monica: Ugh, she’s upstairs not doing the dishes! And I tell ya something! I’m not doing them this time! I don’t care if those dishes sit in the sink until they’re all covered with—I’ll do them when I get home! Ross: Yeah—oh! Hey listen umm, Emily found this wedding dress in London… Phoebe: Already?! Ross: Yeah, but it didn’t fit. Well, luckily there’s a store here that has one left in her size, but I’m the groom, I’m not supposed to see the dress… Monica: I’ll pick it up for you! Ross: Thank you. Monica: Okay. Chandler: Oh, she’s got you running errands, y’know, picking up wedding dresses… Wah-pah! Ross: What’s wah-pah? Chandler: Y’know, whipped! Wah-pah! Joey: That’s not whipped! Whipped is wh-tcssh! Chandler: That’s what I did. Wah-pah! Joey: You can’t do anything! Rachel: Hey, Mon, I was just doing the dishes! Ross: Hey! Rachel: Oh! It’s you. Hi. Ross: Hey, do uh, do you have a minute? Rachel: Yeah, yeah, I was just about to take a break anyways, so… Ross: So listen uh, I know you and I haven’t really had a chance to talk since uh, Emily and I decided to get married, and uh, I was just wondering how you were. Rachel: Oh. Ross: I know if you were getting married I’d feel, kinda….. y’know. Rachel: Yeah. Yeah. Definitely, well it definitely took me by surprise, but I’m okay. Ross: Yeah? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: All right, I just wanted to check. Rachel: Oh, that’s sweet. Ross: You’re great. And I-I know someday this will happen for you too. You just hang in there. Rachel: Uhh, hang in there? Ross: Oh, no, I didn’t mean, uh… Rachel: I mean maybe you didn’t hear about a serious relationship called me and Joshua? Ross: Oh, I thought you guys had just been on like four dates, I didn’t realise that had become anything, yet. Rachel: Oh, no-no-no, no-no-no, it has become, it has—yeah. Oh no, those were four great dates. Ross: Oh. Yeah? Rachel: Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I mean, the connection, I mean y’know, emotionally, mentally, physically… Ross: Wow, that’s-that’s-that’s incredible. Rachel: I know isn’t it? It’s like I’m right there with Joshua. Ross: Uh-huh. Rachel: You are right there with Emily. And it’s y’know, it’s kinda like…. it’s a tie! Well, I gotta get, I gotta get back to the dishes. Ross: I gotta get to work. Rachel: Oh yeah? Fine. Ross: Hey, y’know, y’know what would make me really happy? Rachel: Oh yeah, no, what’s that? Ross: If like the four of us could all y’know, hang out together. Uh, in fact Emily’s coming into town this weekend, why don’t you say we all have dinner? Say, Sunday night? Rachel: That would be great! Ross: Yeah, all right, it’s a date. Rachel: Ross: Did you say something? Rachel: No, just singing. Monica: Oh my God! Ohh! Look at this one! It’s so beautiful! Phoebe: Yeah, but y’know, about have of these are gonna end up getting divorced. The Saleslady: May I help you ladies? Monica: Oh, yes, umm, I’m here to pick up a dress that you have on hold. The Saleslady: Yes, what’s the name, please? Monica: Emily Waltham. The Saleslady: Yes! I have it right here. Would you like to try it on Ms. Waltham? Monica: Okay. Phoebe: You’re the most beautiful bride I’ve ever seen. Monica: I am, aren’t I? The Saleslady: Ms. Waltham? Monica: Yes? The Saleslady: We’re closing. Monica: All right. The Saleslady: And could I get my ring back? Chandler: All right buddy, time to roll over. No, no-n-n-n-no!! You are going to a clinic! You’re going to a clinic, and a pyjama store! Monica: Does she use the cups? Yes! I believe she does. Does she use the plates? Yes! I believe she does. Monica: Oh. Thank you. Ohhh, thank you very much. Oh, thank you for coming. Uh, just a second! Phoebe: No-no, let me in! Monica: Phoebe? Phoebe: Yeah! Monica: Can you just hold on for one minute? Phoebe: No, you have to let me in right now!! Monica: Are you alone? Phoebe: Yes! Monica: All right. Joey: This sucks! I didn’t know I had to stay up all night before I went to this stupid sleep clinic! I’m so tired! Chandler: It’s 6:00. Joey: Yeah, well… Rachel: Hi! Chandler: Hey, I hear that you and Joshua are going out to dinner with Ross and Emily, and I think that’s, I think that’s really cool. Joey: Yeah, Rach, I think you’re handling that really well. Rachel: Handling it? What do you mean, handling it? There’s nothing to handle. Now, maybe I would have a problem with this if it wasn’t for me and Joshua. Y’know, they’re not gonna get married anyway! Chandler: What? Rachel: Come on! They rushed into this thing so fast it’s ridiculous! I mean, they’re gonna be engaged for like what? A year? And somewhere along the way, one of them is gonna realise what they’ve done and they’re call the whole thing off. I’m telling ya, you’re gonna be dancing at my wedding before you’re dancing at there’s. Chandler: Yeah, well, I don’t dance at weddings. Rachel: Why not? Chandler: Because weddings are a great place to meet women, and when I dance, I look like this… Ross: Hey man. Chandler: Hey! Ross: So, what are you guys doing four weeks from today? Chandler: Nothing. Rachel: Nothing. Joey: I am… free! Ross: Great! Because Emily and I are getting married in a month! Joey and Chandler: What?! Ross: Yep! Rachel: In a month? Ross: Yeah! Rachel: You mean, you mean 30 days? Ross: Yeah. Rachel: From now? Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Well, that’s great. Ross: Yeah! Yeah, Emily always wanted to get married in this beautiful place that her parents got married, but it’s going to be torn down, so… I mean, I-I know it’s crazy, but everything up ‘til now has been so crazy, and I don’t know, this just feels right. Y’know? Joey: This isn’t mine. Commercial Break Joshua: Hey, Rachel. Rachel: Hi! Joshua: What’s up? You’re voice sounded all squeaky on the phone. Rachel: Ohh, nothing, I just wanted to see you. See you and hug you. See you. Joshua: Great! Rachel: Yeah! Sit! Joshua: You okay? Rachel: I’m more than okay, I am really, really happy! Wanna know why? Joshua: Do I? Rachel: ‘Cause I am really happy about us. I think we are, I think we are so on the right track! Y’know? I mean, I think we are working, I think we are clicking. Y’know? Joshua: Yeah, sure-sure, yeah, we’re-we’re-we’re-we’re-we’re clicking. Rachel: Yeah-yeah, y’know if-if there was just like one little area where I—that I think we need—we would need to work on; I-I would think it was we’re just not crazy enough! Joshua: I-I gotta say, I-I-I-I’m not too sure I agree with that. Rachel: Well, yeah, right, y’know what? Yeah, you’re right, I mean, we no, we have our fun. Yeah! But if ……I mean, I mean like craaaazy! Y’know? Okay, all right. This is gonna, this is gonna sound y’know, a little umm, hasty, but uh, just go with it. Umm. Ugh. What if we got married? Joshua: What?! Rachel: Oh, I know, I know, it’s-it’s so, it’s so totally like, "Whoa! Can we do this?" Y’know, I mean, but I mean it just feels right! Don’t you think? It does! I mean, it just feels right, don’t you think? Joshua: Wow! Uhh, Rachel uhh, you’re a real special lady, but my divorce isn’t final yet and, and, and we’ve been on four days, so I’m thinking "No, but thanks." Gunther: YOU IDIOT!!!!! Sleep Clinic Worker: Your name, please? Joey: Joey Tribbiani. Sleep Clinic Worker: Um-hmm, and did you stay up all night in preparation for your sleep study. Chandler: Yes he did. Sleep Clinic Worker: Alll right, we’ll call you in a few minutes. Chandler: Hey, check out that girl! She is really hot! Joey: How you doin’? Joey: What?! Chandler: You’re coming on to the entire room! I’m Chandler. Woman: I’m Marjorie. Chandler: Hi. Marjorie: Hi. Chandler: You mind if I… Marjorie: No, please. Chandler: So uh, what are you in for? Marjorie: I talk in my sleep. Chandler: What a coincidence, I listen in my sleep. Joey: So why don’t you give me your number? Monica: Okay, ready? Phoebe: Yeah. Monica: Okay. Phoebe: Monica: Congratulations! Phoebe: Thank you! Monica: Okay! My turn! My turn! Phoebe: Okay! Okay, ready? Monica: Yeah. Phoebe: Okay. Monica: That was a terrible throw!! Phoebe: I’m not gonna right to you! That’s not real! Monica: Look at me! My big concern is what’s real?! Oh my God. We’re really sad, aren’t we? Phoebe: Yeah, I think we are. Monica: This isn’t even my dress. Phoebe: Well, at least you didn’t rent yours from a store called, "It’s Not Too Late." Monica: I’m changing out of this. Phoebe: Me too. Monica: In like a half-hour? Phoebe: Me too. Monica: Okay, throw it straight this time. Phoebe: Okay. Monica: I’m getting married next!! Phoebe: Yay! Phoebe: I hate my regular clothes now! Y’know? I look down and-and I know that this isn’t gonna be the most special day of my life. Monica: Yeah. I mean it was kinda fun for a while, but didn’t you start feeling silly? Phoebe: I guess. Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica: Oh God. Phoebe: Oh, you’re such a cheater! Chandler: Hello! Little ones. Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Monica: So, is Joey gonna stop snoring? Chandler: Yep! And! A beautiful woman agreed to go out with me. Joey wanted to ask her out, but uh, she picked me. Phoebe: Oh, how’d that happen? Chandler: Because I’m cooler. Monica: No, seriously. Chandler: Well she’s, she’s the kinda girl—Joey was unconscious. Joey: Hey you guys! What’s happening? Monica: Oh my God! Phoebe: What is that? Joey: Oh, they gave it to me at the sleep clinic, and it’s gonna help me not to snore. Monica: Well, are you asleep right now, Joe? ‘Cause I don’t think you have to wear it unless you are! Joey: Chandler: Plus, you look cool. Rachel: Well, I just called Joshua… Phoebe: Oh, how did it go? Rachel: Well, I did my best to convince him that I’m not some crazy girl who is dying to get married—I’m just going through a hard time. Phoebe: What did he say? Rachel: Well uh, his answering machine was very understanding. Ugh. I feel blue. Monica: Ohh, sweetie! Hey, I bet you anything that he’s gonna call you again. Rachel: Yeah, maybe, but I don’t think I even care. I don’t think he’s the one I’m sad about. Y’know, I know that I said that I am totally okay with Ross getting married, but as it turns out, I don’t think I’m handling it all that well. Phoebe: Yeah, maybe. Rachel: And I-I am just trying to figure out why. Phoebe: Any luck? Rachel: Well, yeah, y’know how Ross and I were on again, off again, on again, off again? I guess I just figured that somewhere down the road, we would be on again. Monica: Again. Y’know what? I think we all did. Ross: Hey! Monica: Hey! Ross: So, I got us some reservations for Sunday night, okay? How about, Ernie’s at 9 o’clock? Rachel: Yeah, well, you uh, better make it for three. Ross: Oh, see I-I don’t know if we’re gonna be hungry at three. Rachel: Three people. Joshua’s not gonna be there. Ross: What happened? Rachel: Uh, well, I think, I think he broke up with me. Ross: Noo. Why? Rachel: Well, apparently he scares easy. Ross: Oh, Rachel, I’m-I’m sorry. Rachel: It’s okay. Sometimes, things don’t work out the way you’d thought they would. Ross: Come here. Rachel: Oh, hey, don’t you have to go pick up Emily? Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Yeah. Ross: You okay? Rachel: Yeah! I got my girls. Rachel: Ugh. Phoebe: Hey, y’know what might cheer you up? Rachel: What? Rachel: Y’know, I gotta tell ya, this really does put in a better mood. Monica: Oh, I wish there was a job where I could wear this all the time. Maybe someday, there will be. Monica: Oh God! He’s gonna come by and borrow some candles for his big date! Rachel: Oh, okay! Monica: No-no, Rachel, don’t get it! He can’t see us! Phoebe: No, yeah! The groom cannot see the bride! Rachel: I’m not gonna marry Chandler! Phoebe: Not after this! Rachel: Okay, you guys, just relax. Joshua: I gotta go. Rachel: Oh, wait, Joshua! Joshua! Yeah, well, that oughta do it. Closing Credits Joey: End Written by: Seth Kirkland Transcribed by: Eric Aasen With Help from: Darcy Partridge Episodes Orginally Transcribed by: guineapig, Ruth Curran, Mindy Mattingly Phillips, Josh Hodge,  Dan Silverstein, and Eric Aasen. Chandler: Y’know what? It seems like all of the sudden; so much has happened. Joey: I know. Ross is getting married. Chandler: Phoebe is, making people. Joey: Everybody’s doing stuff! Chandler: And we just sit here. I mean if I die the only way people would even know I was here, would be by the ass print on this chair! Look, we have to do something. Okay? Something huge! Joey: We could climb Mt. Everest! Chandler: No-no, not something stupid, something huge. Joey: No-no-no-no-no, I saw an ad for this video, people climb that thing everyday! We could totally do that! Chandler: Why not?! I mean it’s just, it’s just climbing! It’s just, it’s just steep! Joey: Yeah! Chandler: We’re going to Everest! Okay, it would be nice to leave an ass print on Everest! Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Hey! Phoebe: What-what’s up? Joey: We’re gonna climb Mt. Everest! Chandler: Yeah baby! Phoebe: Really?! I looked into that. Yeah, but, I mean it costs like $60,000 and y’know you can die. And, you would die! Chandler: Yeah, well… Joey: We could get that Everest video though. Chandler: Yeah, we could do that without y’know risking our lives at all! Joey: And while we’re down at the video store, you know what else we could rent? Die Hard! Oh, y’know what? I just remembered, that Everest thing is only available through mail order. Chandler: Oh, well… Phoebe: So you guys’ll stay here and hang out with me? Chandler: Yeeeeahhhh. Joey: Yeah. Yeah. Chandler: But I’ll tell you something. One of these days we’re get off of our buts and rent Die Hard again! Joey: Yeah we are! Opening Credits Emily: So what did he decide? Does your Uncle Nathan get an invite or not? Ross: Ohh, God, nobody likes him, and he’s so cheap, he’d never fly to London in a million years. Yeah, invite him? Hey, did I do these neat enough? Emily: Yeah, they’re fine. Ross: Yeah? Emily: If anyone asks, we’ll just say Ben addressed them. Oh! So you invited Rachel then? Ross: Sure. Why not? Emily: Really? Ross: Yeah? Emily: I don’t think I’d be comfortable with any of my old lovers there. Ross: Wait-wait-wait, do you, do you think, maybe we shouldn’t invite her? Emily: Oh, no-no, y’know I absolutely adore Rachel it’s just that, well it might be a awkward for you. But it’s absolutely your decision. More tea? Ross: Yeah sure. Emily: Earl Grey? Ross: Huh? Yeah, fine, invite whoever you want. Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again! Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! Monica: Rachel?! Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are! Monica: Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross? Rachel: Hi, sure! Ross: Hi. Ross: You know you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you. Rachel: I knew. Ross: You did! Oh.... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother. Rachel: I did. Ross: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here—but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe? Rachel: Yeah, maybe... Ross: Okay... okay, maybe I will... Ross:  See, I see.... big passion in your future. Rachel: Really? Ross: I do. Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great. Joey: It's never gonna happen. Ross: Hey, I have a question. Well, actually, it's not so much a question as.. more of a general wondering... ment. Rachel: Okay. Ross: Okay. Umm, for a while now, I've been wanting to, um.... Rachel: Ohhh!!!! Ross: Yes, yes, that's right... Rachel: Oh, look at the little cat! Look at it! Ross: What? Ow! Monica, Joey, and Phoebe: I'm on top of the world, looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find... Rachel: All right, listen, missy. If you want this cart, you're gonna have to take me with it! Rachel: Yes! Did you see that? Ross: You were incredible! Brand new woman, ladies and gentlemen. Rachel: I could not have done this without you. Ross: Ok, um, uh, more clothes in the dryer? I'm fine, I'm fine. Ross: You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me. Rachel: What? Ross: I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you. Rachel: Hey, I was doin' great before I found out about you. You think it's easy for me to see you with Julie? Ross: The point is I... I don't need this right now, OK. It, it's too late, I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. This ship has sailed. Rachel: Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, alright Ross. Ross: Fine. Rachel: 'Cause I don't need your stupid ship. Ross: Good. Rachel: Good. Rachel: Ross do you realise this is the first time in my life I’m doing something I actually care about. This is the first time in my life I’m doing something that I’m actually good at. I mean. if you don’t get that... Ross: No, hey, I get that, okay, I get that big time. And I’m happy for ya, but I’m tired of having a relationship with your answering machine! Okay, I don’t know what to do anymore. Rachel: Well neither do I! Ross: Is this about Mark? Rachel: Oh my God. Ross: Okay, it’s not, it’s not. Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight over and over again, Ross, no, you’re, you’re, you’re making this too hard. Ross: Oh I’m, I’m making this too hard. Okay, what do you want me to do. Rachel: I don’t know, I don’t know. Urrrgh! Look, maybe we should take a break. Ross: Okay, okay, fine, you’re right. Let’s ah, let’s take a break, Rachel: No. A break from us. Chloe: Do I know why we’re rushing? Ross: Yeah, y'know the ah, the girlfriend I told you about last night? Well it turns out she ah, she wants to get back together with me. Oh, I found it!! Chloe: That’s so great for you guys! Ross: Yeah! Chloe: Good luck, with your girlfriend. Ross: Oh, thank you. Rachel!!!! Rachel: Hi. Ohhh, you got my message. Ross: Yeah, oh hey, you are right on time. Rachel: So what do you say? Can I be your girlfriend again? Ross: Yes, you can, very much. Ross: Rachel: Y'know what, I want you to leave! Get outta here! Ross: No!! Rachel: Just get out! Now!! Ross: No!! No!! I wanna stay. I wanna talk about this. Rachel: Okay! All right! How was she? Chandler: Uh-oh. Ross: What? Rachel: Was she good? Joey: Don’t answer that. Rachel: Come on Ross! You said you wanted to talk about it, let’s talk about it!! How was she? Ross: She was... Joey: Awful! Horrible! Chandler: She was not good. Not good. Joey: She was nothing compared to you. Ross: She, she was different. Joey: Ewwwww! Chandler: Uh-oh. Rachel: Good different? Ross: Nobody likes change. Ross: What? Okay, okay, okay, okay. Rachel:  ...the way you owned up to everything, it just showed me how much you’ve grown. Y'know?  I mean my Mom never thought this would work out. It was all, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”  Ooh, I just wish we hadn’t lost those four months, but if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective... Ross: WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!!! Rachel: You seem to really like her. Ross: Yeah, I really do. Yeah, but what am I gonna do, I mean we-we both agreed that it was gonna be a two-week thing, y’know no commitment. Rachel: Ross, that girl just spent the entire evening talking to your friends, asking to hear stories about you, looking through Monica’s photo albums, I mean you don’t do that if you’re just in it for two weeks. Ross: You think? Rachel: Yeah, you got like 14 hours until she has to be at the airport, and you’re sitting here in the hallway with a 28-year-old cheerleader with a fat lip. Ross: Hey, you’re right. Rachel: Yeah. Commercial Break Monica: Ohh, this is soo amazing! I can’t believe my brother’s getting married! And in London! It’s so romantic! Joey: Hey, pretty smart! Tissue paper! You’re at the wedding, you have to cry, "Handkerchief?" "No-no, I got my invitation." Phoebe: Oooh look! Isn’t this adorable, Ross let Ben address mine! Chandler: Hello! Joey: Hey! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Hey, did you get your invitation to Ross’s wedding? Chandler: Noo. Joey: Don’t worry man, I get to bring a guest. We’ll show him. Phoebe: I’m so jealous you’re all going! I can’t believe I never knew that you can’t fly in your third trimester! Chandler: I didn’t know that. Monica: I never knew that either. Joey: I knew that! I sooo didn’t know that, but you should see your faces. Rachel: Hey guys! What’s up? Joey: Heyyy. Monica: We’re hanging out. Rachel: What’s this? Is this Ross’s wedding invitation? Chandler: See, maybe that’s the one we should’ve actually hidden. Rachel: Oh, no! No you guys! Come on, you don’t have to do that! I’m happy for him! I am! I really—I’m-I’m happ—I’ll work on it. Monica: I’m sorry honey. Rachel: Yeah. Monica: Rach, you’re gonna come though aren’t you? Rachel: Oh, honey, I don’t know. I… Chandler: This isn’t one of those uh, y’know "If she doesn’t come, we-we don’t, we don’t come?" Right? Because I already bought my ticket… Monica: You know what would be real weird? Is if you weren’t there. Just say you’ll think about it, okay? Rachel: No, I’ll think about it. Yeah. Rachel: Who's this from? Chandler: Oh, that's Ross's. Rachel: Oh... Oh my God. He remembered. Phoebe: Remembered what? Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him that it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered! Phoebe: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune. Monica: I can't believe he did this. Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck? Rachel: What did you just say? Chandler: F-hah.... flennin.... Rachel: Oh.... my God. Rachel:  Oh my God. Julie: Well, Ross and I were in grad school together. Ross: But we haven't seen each other since then. Well I land in China, guess who's in charge of the dig. Rachel: Julie! Julie, isn't that great? I mean, isn't that just kick- you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic? Ross: Oh, that is so sweet. Well you didn't hang up either. Rachel:  She didn't hang up either... Ross:  Ok, no, no, you hang up. You, you, y— Rachel: Ross: Rach, I got a message from you. Rachel: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . . Ross: You're over me? Rachel: Ohhhhhhhh God. Ross: Wha... you're uh, you're, you're over me? Rachel: Ohh, ohh. Ross: When, when were you... under me? Rachel: Well, basically, lately, I've uh, I've uh, sort of had feelings for you. Ross: OK, I need to lie down. Joey: He broke up with Julie. Well, go hug her, for god's sakes. Rachel: Really? Ross: Really. It's always been you, Rach. Rachel: Oh, god. Chandler and Joey: Ohhh. Ross: I've no idea, could be. Listen, I'm sorry I had to work tonight. Rachel: Oh it's OK. You were worth the wait, and I don't just mean tonight. Rachel: Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that's OK. Ross: What. Oh no, you just rolled over the juice box. Ross: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell me you didn’t say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the Xerox place. Gunther: I’m sorry. Was I not supposed to? Ross: Y'know, hey! You’re the one who ended it, remember? Rachel: Yeah, because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you! Ross: You still love me? Rachel: Noo. Ross: What does this mean? What do you, I mean do you wanna, get back together? Rachel: Noo! Maybe! I, I don’t know. Ross: What?! Rachel: I just, I feel, I-I just... Rachel: Y'know I can’t believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!! Ross: Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, it’s not that common! It doesn’t happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!! Chandler: I KNEW IT!!!! Mrs. Geller: Rachel's coming up the path.  Doesn't she look pretty. Jack... Rachel: Oh my God. Monica: You know what this is, this is us getting ready for the prom. Rachel: Oh. Ross: You know what, you guys, we don't have to watch this. All: Oh yeah we do. C'mon. Mrs. Geller: Get a shot of Monica. Where's Monica. Mr. Geller: Wait, how do you zoom out? There she is. Monica: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds. Chandler: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you? Monica: Oh, dad, turn it off. Mr. Geller: It is off.  Right Ross? Joey: Lookin' good Mr. Cotter. Rachel: I can't go to my own prom without a date, I can't, it's too late. Monica: If you're not going then I don't want to go either. Mrs. Geller: I have a wonderful idea. You should take Rachel to the prom. Ross: Y'know what?  I think we've seen enough, let's turn it off. All: No, no, no. Ross: OK, fine, well I'm not gonna watch, alright. Mr. Geller: C'mon kid, let's go. Mrs. Geller: Ahh, are you hadsome. Mr. Geller: Let's show 'em. Ross: Okay dad. Mr. Geller: Rachel, Monica, Roy, and Chip: Bye. Mrs. Geller: Oh, dear. Jack, how do I turn this off? Monica: I can't believe you did that. Ross: Yeah, well. Phoebe: See, he's her lobster. Monica: Nooooo. You’re really not going? Rachel: Yeah. It’s just gonna be too hard. Y’know? I mean, it’s Ross. How can I watch him get married? Y’know it’s just, it’s for the best, y’know it is, it’s… Y’know, plus, somebody’s got to stay here with Phoebe! Y’know she’s gonna be pretty big by then, and she needs someone to help her tie her shoes; drive her to the hospital in case she goes into labour. Monica: You don’t have a car. And your license expired. Rachel: I know. Yeah, see, there’s so much to do and I have so little time to do it in. Closing Credits Chandler: All right, check it out. Check this out. It says here that there’s a place you can go to rent videos of all the museums! "It’s almost as good as being there." Joey: It’s better! You can’t go to a museum in your underwear! Chandler: Well, You could, but... probably just the one time. Joey: I bet we could get videos of all the sites, get a VCR in our hotel room... we'd never even have to go outside! Chandler: If we do that, we gotta get Die Hard. Joey: Oh-ho! I bet the British version is gooooood! End Teleplay by: Michael Curtis Story by: Seth Kurland Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Phoebe: That’s like the tenth time I’ve peed since I’ve been here! Monica: That’s also like the tenth time you told us. Phoebe: Yeah, oh I’m sorry, it must be really hard to hear! I tell ya, it’s a lot easier having three babies play Bringing in the Noise, Bringing in da Funk on your bladder! I’m so sick of being pregnant! The only happiness I get is from a cup of coffee, which of course is decaf, ‘cause—Oh! I’m pregnant! Ross: Pheebs, did…you want a cookie? Phoebe: Thank you so much. Rachel: So uh, Pheebs, honey, how are those mood swings coming? Phoebe: I haven’t really had any yet. Opening Credits Ross: Hey guys! Chandler: Hey. Joey: Hey! Ross: All right, here’s the ring. Chandler: Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes! Ross: So uh, any ideas for the bachelor party yet? Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Before you start handing out wedding rings and planning bachelor parties, don’t you have to decide who your best man is gonna be? Chandler: Oh, it’s awkward. It’s awkward. It’s awkward. Ross: I sort’ve already asked Chandler. Joey: What?! He got to do it at your first wedding! Ross: Joey, I figured you’d understand. I mean, I-I’ve known him a lot longer. Joey: Come on Ross! Look, I-I don’t have any brothers; I’ll never get to be a best man! Chandler: You can be the best man when I get married. Joey: I’ll never get to be a best man! Ross: Wait-wait, so, you get to be my best man twice and I never get to be yours at all? Chandler: Oh no-no-no, you—yeah, of course you get to be my best man. Joey: What about me?! You-you just said I could! Chandler: I’m not even getting married! Okay, this is a question for science fiction writers! Joey: I can’t believe you’re not picking me. Ross: Hey, how can it not be me?!HeyHey! Chandler: I’m not even… I’m not even… Ross: Fine, y’know what, that’s it. From now on, Joey, I want you to be my best man. Joey: Yes! Shame about you man. Phoebe: Stop it! Monica: What? Phoebe: One of the babies is kicking. Monica: I thought that was a good thing. Phoebe: It’s not kicking me, it’s kicking one of the other babies. Oh ! Don’t make me come in there! Joey: Hey! Monica: Hey! Joey: Do you guys have like a big bowl I can borrow? Monica: Yeah, there’s one right under the cabinet. Joey: Thanks. Monica: Why do you need it? Joey: Oh, we’re having a big party tomorrow night. Later! Rachel: Whoa! Hey-hey, you planning on inviting us? Joey: Nooo, later. Phoebe: Hey!! Get your ass back here, Tribbiani!! Rachel: Hormones! Monica: What Phoebe meant to say was umm, how come you’re having a party and we’re not invited? Joey: Oh, it’s Ross’s bachelor party. Monica: Sooo? Joey: Are you bachelors? Monica: Nooo! Joey: Are you strippers? Rachel: Nooo! Joey: Then you’re not invited. Rachel: All right fine! You’re not invited to the party we’re gonna have either. Joey: Oh-whoa, what party? Rachel: Well umm… Monica: The baby shower for Phoebe! Joey: Baby shower. Wow! That sounds sooo like something I don’t want to do! Later! Phoebe: I can’t believe I’m gonna have a party! This is so great! I don’t know why. Joey: This is what I’ve got going for the party so far, liquor wise. Get a lot of liquor. Ross: Great. Great. Joey: Okay, now uh, in terms of the invite list, I’ve got you, me, and Chandler and I’m gonna invite Gunther ‘cause, well, we’ve been talking about this pretty loud. Gunther: I’ll be there. Joey: All right—oh! Listen, I know this is your party, but I’d really like to the number of museum geeks that are gonna be there. Ross: Yeah. Tell ya what, let’s not invite any of the anthropologists, only the dinosaur dudes! Joey: Okay! We’ll need a six-pack of Zima. Chandler: Hey guys, what are you doing? Ross: Oh, just planning my bachelor party with my best man. Chandler: Yeah, well, good luck trying to top the last one. Ross: Yeah, see, I don’t think it’s gonna that difficult considering this one won’t be taking place in the basement of a Pizza Hut. Chandler: Oh, I’m Ross. I’m Ross. I’m too good for the Hut; I’m too good for the Hut. Ross: Look, I gotta go pick up Ben. Everything so far sounds great Joey, just remember to keep it on the mellow side, okay? Just a couple of guys hanging out playing poker, no-no strippers or anything okay? Joey: You got it. Ross: Okay, see ya later. Chandler: See ya. Have fun planning your mellow bachelor party. Joey: Well, there’s gonna be strippers there. He didn’t say anything about no strippers. Chandler: He just said, "No strippers." Joey: Oh, I chose not to hear that. Monica: Look what I got! Look what I got! Look what I got! Can you believe they make these for little people? Rachel: Little village people. Monica: Okay, look at this one. This is my favourite. Rachel: Oh, that is so sweet! Monica: I know! Phoebe is gonna love dressing them in these! Rachel: Huh. Except, Phoebe’s not gonna be the one that gets to dress them. Monica: Because she’s not gonna get to keep the babies. Rachel: Oh my God! We are throwing the most depressing baby shower ever! Monica: Wait a minute! Unless, we give her all gifts she can use after she’s done being pregnant. Like-like umm, regular coffee, Tequila. Rachel: Oh, and somebody can get those leather pants she’s always wanted! Monica: Oh, she’s gonna love that! Phoebe: What the hell is this?! What, did you actually thought it would make me feel better to give me stuff that I can’t use for another two months?! This sucks! All right, what’s my next present?! All: I don’t have anything. Ross: Hey listen man, about the stripper… Joey: Yeah? Ross: Good call! Chandler: Okay, a little announcement, a little announcement. I’ve decided that my best man is, my best friend Gunther! Gunther: What’s my last name? Chandler: Central Perk? Gunther: Joey: Oh-whoa-wait, Gunther don’t-don’t forget your shirt. Ross: Hey-hey, what are those? Joey: Oh, little party favours, check it out! Ross: Wow! Yeah! Joey: Oh-oh! Chandler: so is the position of the bride. The Stripper: Great! Ross: Smooth man. Yeah, you got some chilie on your neck. Thanks Joey. Joey: Oh, hey, don’t forget your shirt. Ross: Oh, thanks! Joey: Okay, hey, museum geeks, party’s over. Okay. Wave bye-bye to the nice lady. There you go. Back to your parent’s basement. All right. Come on boys, come on out! Here you go. All right. The Stripper: Ohhh, look at the little birdies! Are those yours? Joey: Yeah! The Stripper: Wow, I didn’t know they let you keep chickens and ducks as pets. Joey: Oh yeah-yeah. And I got the duck totally trained. Watch this. Stare at the wall. The Stripper: You are really good at that. So uh, I had fun tonight, you throw one hell of a party. Joey: Oh thanks. Thanks. It was great meetin’ ya. And listen if any of my friends gets married, or have a birthday, or a Tuesday… The Stripper: Yeah, that would be great. So I guess umm, good night. Joey: Oh unless you uh, you wanna hang around. The Stripper: Yeah? Joey: Yeah. I’ll let you play with my duck. Joey: Hey, Commercial Break Joey: The stripper stole the ring!! The stripper stole the ring!! Chandler! Chandler, get up! Get up! The stripper stole the ring! Chandler: What? Joey: The ring is gone! Chandler: Ugh. Just a sec, give me a minute to wake up for this—Ah-ha-ha!! You lost the ring! You’re the worst best man ever! Joey: Dude, this isn’t funny! What am I gonna do?! I go to bed last night, everything’s cool! I wake up this morning, the stripper’s gone and the ring is gone! Chandler: You slept with the stripper? Joey: Of course!! Phoebe: Hi, guys. Rachel: Hi! Phoebe. Monica: Hi Phoebe. Phoebe: I-I wanted to apologise if I—y’know seemed a tad edgy yesterday at my shower. Y’know it’s just the hormones, y’know. Rachel: No we… Monica: Hormones. Rachel: …hormones, yeah. Phoebe: Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you, it was just, it was so sweet. Monica: Wow, you seem to be doing so much better. That’s great. So how-how are things going? Phoebe: Good. Y’know—no-no, okay, it’s-it feels like everything’s been about me lately, so what’s happening with you? Rachel: Oh, well, actually we were just talking about me not going to Ross’s wedding. Phoebe: Oh! Rachel: It just might be too hard, given the history and all that… Phoebe: Wow! This reminds me of the time when I was umm, living on the street and this guy offered to buy me food if I slept with him. Rachel: Well, h-how is this like that? Phoebe: Well, let’s see, it’s not. Really, like that. Because, you see that was an actual problem, and uh, yours is just like y’know a bunch of y’know high school crap that nobody really gives y’know… Rachel: I’m-I’m sorry, I just thought that… Phoebe: Alrighty, here come the water works. Joey: Ugh! I don’t know what I’m going to do! I called the company that sent and th-they don’t care! Then I called 9-1-1 and they laughed at me, if this isn’t an emergency, then what is? Ross: Hey guys! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey… Ross: I just wanted to thank you again for last night, what a great party! And the guys from work had a blast. Y’know, one of them had never been to a bachelor party before. Yeah! And-and another one had never been to a party before, so… Joey: So uh, hey, that uh, that wedding ring, huh? Man, that’s nice! Ross: Yeah, right! Joey: I was uh, I was thinking I might want to pick one of those babies up for myself, I might want to get one of those… Ross: That ring? When my grandmother first came to this country, that ring and the clothes on her back were all she had with her. Chandler: So you might say, the ring is irreplaceable? Ross: Oh absolutely! It has been in my family for generations, and every bride who has worn it has had a long and happy life. Chandler: So you might say, it’s a magic ring. Joey: Yeah, the stripper stole it. Ross: My-my ring? My-my wedding ring? The-the stripper stole my wedding ring?! H-how?! How could this all happen?! Chandler: Well, I think it all started when you said, "Hey Joey, why don’t you be my best man." Ross: All right-all right, fine! I-I’m gonna call the cops! Joey: Dude, I screwed up, you don’t have to turn me in! Ross: Not on you! On the stripper! Joey: Oh, yeah, well I already did that! They said they’re gonna look into it right after they solved all the murders. Ross: Okay, well, we’ll call the company that sent her! Joey: I did that too! They wouldn’t give me her real name or her number. They said, "If I bothered them again they’d call the police." I said, "If you talk to the police, you tell them I’m missing a ring!" Ross: So what, Joey? Wh-wh-what? What are you telling me? That there’s nothing we can do? Well, how could this happen?! Joey: Look Ross, I am so-so sorry. I-I-I… Chandler: Well, what if we just ah, called her, used a fake name, and had her come to my office? Joey: Oh, that sounds like fun, but we’ve got a ring to find!! Monica: Here’s your tea Phoebe. Phoebe: Oh, thanks. Rachel: Good. Monica: I’m so glad you liked it. Phoebe: Monica: What?! Rachel: What?! She made the tea! Phoebe: Oh! No, I-I think I just had a contraction. Rachel: You what? Monica: Oh my God! Phoebe: Yeah, I thought I had one a couple of minutes ago, and now I know that was definitely one. Monica: Wait, you can’t have the baby here! I mean I haven’t sterilised it since the guys moved out! Rachel: Okay. It’s okay. We’re gonna be okay. Y’know what? It’s okay. I’m gonna, I’m gonna, I’m gonna boil some water and just rip up some sheets! Phoebe: No. It’s all right; it’s probably false labour. They said that, that can happen near the end, just somebody get the book. Monica: Rachel, get the book! The book! Rachel: Okay! Okay! Here! Monica: The Bible?! Rachel: I don’t know! Joey: All right, okay, this is great, uh, Chandler, you get behind the desk. And-and when she comes in hopefully, she won’t recognise you because, well, why would she? Uh, okay, and then you buzz Ross and I. You be Mr. Gonzalez, and I’ll be uh, Mr. Wong. Ross: Diverse. The Stripper: Did anybody call for security? Chandler: The Stripper: Okay, which one of you guys is Gunther Central-Perk? Hey, Joey? Ross: Where’s my ring? My dead grandmother’s wedding ring? Where is it? Where is it? Chandler: Way to be cool, man. The Stripper: What’s he talking about? Joey: There was a ring, in a box, on my nightstand, after you left, it was gone! The Stripper: Wait, you guys think I stole some ring? The Guys: Yeah! Ross: We know you took so just-just save yourself the time and confess! The Stripper: Okay, who are you? The Hardy boys? Look, I don’t need to steal some stupid ring, all right? I make $1,600 a week doing what I do; any of you guys make that? Chandler: Marry me. Joey: I don’t get it! It was in my room all night! And if she didn’t take it, and I didn’t take it; and you Rachel: I still don’t get how you know when it’s false labour. Phoebe: Well, do you see any babies? Monica: How do you feel? Phoebe: Okay, I guess. I mean… I don’t know, it’s just, I guess I know it’s going to be over soon. Rachel: Well, isn’t that a good thing? You said you were sick of this. Phoebe: I know. It’s just y’know usually when you’re, when you’re done with the pregnant thing, y’know, then you get to do the mom thing. I’m gonna be y’know, sitting around in my leather pants, drinking Tequila. Monica: Some moms do that. Phoebe: Okay that’s even sadder. Look, I know, I know what I got myself into, it’s just that now that they’re in me it’s like, it’s like I know them y’know, I mean-I mean, it’s just not gonna be easy when these little babies have to go away. Monica: Aww, sweetie, but it’s not like you’re not gonna have anything. You’re gonna have nieces and nephews, and some ways that’s even better. Phoebe: Yeah, okay. Rachel: No, really. Really, Pheebs, you’re not gonna be the one worrying about saving for college, or yelling at them when they’re bad, y’know, or deciding to put them on Ritalin when they just won’t calm down. Y’know? Monica: I mean, you’re the one they’re gonna come to when they wanna run away from home, and the one they talk to about sex. Rachel: And you just get to be cool Aunt Phoebe! Phoebe: Cool Aunt Phoebe. I am pretty cool! Monica: Yeah. Rachel: And y’know what else, oh my God, are they gonna love you. Phoebe: They are gonna love me. Rachel: Oh! Phoebe: Thanks you guys! Again. Monica: Oh, sweetie! Phoebe: You’re the best. Thanks. Oh! Monica and Rachel: What?! Phoebe: Just kidding. Ahh! Rachel: What?! Monica: Oh my God! Phoebe: Got cha again, you guys are so easy. Joey: If anything should happen to him… Ross: Joey! The vet said it’s a simple procedure. Joey: So! Things can go wrong! You don’t know! What if he doesn’t make it?! Chandler: He will, Joe. Joey: Yeah, but what if he doesn’t? He’s such a good duck. Joey: I’m so worried about him, y’know? The Doctor: Somebody lose a ring? Ross: Oh my God! Thank you! Thank you so much! Joey: H-h-h-how’s the duck? The Doctor: He’s doing just fine, he’s resting now, but you can see him in a little bit. Joey: Ohh, great! Oh hey, listen Ross, thanks for being so cool about this. Ross: No, that’s all right. Joey: No, it’s not. I mean you-you made me your best man and I totally let you down! Chandler: Hey, come on, it’s not your fault. Joey: Yeah, it is! You wouldn’t have lost the ring, right? Y’know what, Ross you were right from the start, he should be your best man. Chandler: No, you should. Joey: Now, don’t argue with me… Ross: Hey! Hey! Hey! I get to choose my best man, and I want both you guys. Chandler: Really? Joey: Really? Ross: Hey, both you guys should be up there with me. I mean, you two are-are my… I mean, I’m lucky to have just one good… Chandler: Thanks man. Joey: Chandler: What a baby. Ross: Total wuss! Closing Credits End Part I Written by: Michael Borkow Part II Teleplay by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri Part II Story by: Jill Condon & Amy Toomin Part I Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Part II Transcribed by: Aaron D. Miller Monica: Guys, hurry up! The flight leaves in four hours! It could take time to get a taxi! There could be traffic! The plane could leave early! When we get to London, there could be a line at customs! Come on!! Chandler: Six-hour trip to London. That’s a lot of Monica. Monica: Passport, check! Camera, check! Traveller’s cheques, check! Rachel: Who are you saying "check" too? Monica: Myself. Y’know for remembering to pack a thing. Yeah, you do a good thing, you get a check! My mom does it, I never realized it was weird. Phoebe: Yeah, my mom used to put her head in the oven. Well, actually, she only did it the one time. But it was pretty weird. Ross: Hey! Monica: Hey! Ross: Hey! Are you ready yet? Monica: Yep! You got the tickets? Ross: Oh! Got ‘em right here, check! Joey: It’s all London, baby! Here we go. Chandler: You got your passport? Joey: Yeah, in my third drawer on my dresser. You don’t want to lose that. Joey: Ohh!! Chandler: There it is. Opening Credits Monica: Okay, if you need the vacuum, it’s in my closet on the left-hand side. Ah, the garbage bags are next to the refrigerator… Phoebe: Okay, okay, but Rachel’s gonna be here too, can’t I just ask her this stuff? Monica: Yeah, okay, give that a try! Chandler: All right! Let’s do it! Joey: Woo-hoo!! Ross: Yeah, cheerie-o! Joey: London baby! Chandler: Okay, ‘cause that’s not gonna get annoying. Joey: London baby!! Chandler: Hey, y’know what? I was wrong. Ross: Well, we’re all here! I guess we should get going! Phoebe: Ohhh, I wanna come over there and give you a hug and wish you luck on your wedding, but I don’t—can’t get up. Ross: Oh, I’ll-I’ll come hug you. Phoebe: Great! Yeah, could you bring me the newspaper? Ross: Yeah. Phoebe: Oh, have a great wedding! Ross: Thanks. Phoebe: Oh, hey, Chandler I wanna hug you too! Chandler: Hey! Phoebe: Oh, and great! You might as well bring me my book, it’s on the counter in your apartment. Chandler: Oh. Ross: So, we’re off. Rachel: Have fun! Ross: Thanks! Ugh, I can’t believe you’re not gonna be there! Rachel: Oh, I know. Ross: So-so come! Why don’t you come? Rachel: What?! Ross: To London! Come to London. Please? It’ll mean so much to me. Rachel: Yeah, well, I gotta work, I’m sorry. Ross: Why-why can’t you take a couple of days off? Rachel: Because, I can’t! Ross, I told you, no. I can’t. Ross: This is my wedding. Monica: All right, y’know what? We really are late! Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s go!! Ross: Fine. You’ll-you’ll watch it on video when we get back. Chandler: Here you go Phoebe! Here you go Phobo! Phewbedo! Phaybobo. Phoebe: Thank you. (Chandler kneels down with his arms spread waiting for his hug. Phoebe: Thank you. Ross: All right, let’s go! Bye, Pheebs! Joey: Bye, Pheebs! Joey: London baby!! Phoebe: Oh, do you need a hug? You don’t have to bring me anything! Joey: Come on! Do something! Chandler: I am, I’m ignoring you. Joey: Okay, here! Chandler: Oh, what the hell is that? Joey: It’s London, baby! All right, the hotel’s here. Chandler: Okay, if you see a little version of me in there? Kill it! Joey: I got it! Here we go. Chandler: Okay. Listen-listen, we’re not gonna have to walk this way the entire time are we? Joey: Shhh! Emily: …and that was all before 10 o’clock. The caterer rang and said it was going to be Chicken Kiev instead of Chicken Tarragon. And then the florist phoned to say there aren’t any tulips. Oh, and the chilliest has carpel-tunel syndrome. We’re not gonna be… Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Emily, honey, okay? Emily: Well, up yours too! Ross: What?! No! No! That’s-that’s time-out! Emily: Sorry. Ross: Sweetie, you gotta relax. Everything’s gonna be great, okay? Come on. Come on. Monica: Chicken Kiev? Ross: Um-hmm! Doesn’t that sound delicious at the last minute? Monica: Yeah, y’know, but something like salmon which would be so much more elegant than the chicken. And, you wouldn’t have to worry about the salmonella. So, I can’t wait to see this place you’re getting married! Ross: Yeah. Yeah. Yes, this place is beautiful. Emily’s parents got married here. Emily: I still can’t believe they’re tearing it down. It really is the most lovely building you’ll ever see. I mean it’s over… Oh my God! Monica: It’s nice. Emily: Oh. Oh. Emily: Oh. Oh my God. How can this be happening? What are we going to do? Ross: It’s all right! Everything’s gonna be all right. Emily: How’s it gonna be all right?! Ross: Uh-huh, I see that. Monica: Okay, I talked to the guy with the shovel and I found out what happened. Ross: What? What? Monica: They torn it down a few days early. Joey: All right! Westminster Abbey! Hands down, best Abbey I’ve ever seen. Hey! Okay. What do you think of the Abbey, Chandler? Chandler: I think it’s great. It’s great. Y’know, they’re thinking of changing the name of this place. Joey: Really? To what? Chandler: To Put the Camera Away!!! Joey: Man, you are Westminster Crabby. Phoebe: Oh. Oh. Rachel: Oh, honey! Don’t get up! What do you need? Phoebe: Oh, no. Oh, nothing. Rachel: Come on! I am here to take care of you! What do you need? Anything. Phoebe: Okay, I have a wedgie. Rachel: Okay, that is all you. Phoebe: So-so, what do you want for lunch? Rachel: Oh, I don’t know. I guess we have to eat. Phoebe: Yeah, I do. What’s the matter? Rachel: I’m just bummed about the way I left things with Ross. I shouldn’t have lied to him about having to work. He seemed so mad at me. Phoebe: Eh, don’t be so hard on yourself. If someone I was still in love with was getting married… Rachel: Still in love with?! Phoebe: Yeah! Rachel: I’m not in love with Ross! Phoebe: Oh. No. No. Good! Yeah, me neither. Rachel: Phoebe, I’m going to Ross’s wedding because he is my ex-boyfriend and that would be really uncomfortable. Not because, I’m still in love with him! I mean, hey, y’know, I like Ross as much as the next guy, y’know? Clearly I have feelings for him, but feelings don’t mean love! I mean, I still have loving feelings for Ross. Yeah! But, I have, I have continuing feelings of love, but that doesn’t mean that-that I’m still in love with him. Y’know? I-I have sexual feelings for him, but I do love him—Ohh! Oh my God! Oh my—why didn’t you tell me?!! Phoebe: We thought you knew! Rachel: We?! Phoebe: Yeah, we all know! We talk about it all the time! Rachel: You all know? Does Ross know? Phoebe: Oh no, Ross doesn’t know anything. Rachel: Oh, I can not believe you didn’t tell me! Phoebe: Well, because we thought you knew!! It’s so obvious! God, that would be like telling Monica, "Hey, you like things clean." Joey: Hey! The Vendor: So, what are you guys in the market for? We’ve got uh, scarves, tulip post cards... Joey: Check this out? Huh? Yeah. That’s the stuff. What do you think? Chandler: Well, I don’t have to buy that, "I’m with stupid" T-shirt anymore. Joey: Well, I like it. Here you go. Chandler: All right, look, you’re not really gonna buy that are you? Don’t you think you’ve embarrassed me enough for one day? Joey: Oh, I embarrass you? Chandler: How can I answer that when I’m pretending I don’t know you? The Vendor: He’s just jealous. You’ll fit right in; all Londoners wear them! Chandler: Oh really? Then how come no one here is wearing them? The Vendor: They’re all tourists. Chandler: All right, look, if you insist on wearing that, in public, y’know, you’re gonna spend the rest of the afternoon all by yourself. Joey: Oh yeah? If you’re gonna make me choose between you and the hat? I choose the hat. The Vendor: Good choice. Joey: Thanks. Chandler: Okay, wait. All right, that’s it, okay, I’m out of here. I am not going to be embarrassed anymore! Emily: Hello? Ross: Hey! I just spoke to your dad, and you know what? He seems to think we’ll be able to find a new place for the wedding. Emily: We don’t have to. Ross: Whoa-whoa-what? You found a place? Emily: No. But, Monica and I were talking, and-and I was so upset about the hall being knocked down, and she suggested that we put the wedding off for a bit. Ross: She said what? Emily: She said, "If I’m not gonna be happy getting married somewhere that we find in a day, well then we should just postpone it." Ross: Postpone it? Emily, do you think Monica realises how much our parents spent on this wedding? Do you my sister’s teeny-tiny little brain comprehends that people took time out of their lives to fly thousands of miles to be here, huh? This isn’t right. Emily: I realize that people are going to be disappointed. But, I’m sure they’ll come back when we can do it right. Ross: I can’t ask people to do that? Would you ask people to do that? Emily: Don’t you point your pants at me! We have no choice! Anywhere that’s half-decent would’ve be booked months ago, Ross don’t you understand? This is our wedding I’m talking about. Ross: The only thing I understand is; postponing it is not an option. This is when we’re getting married. Emily: So what are you saying? It’s now or never? Ross: No. I’m saying it’s now. Emily: Or? Ross: There’s no ‘or’ in mind. What is wrong with these pants?!! Emily: It’s not the pants. It’s you that is backwards. And if, and if you don’t understand how important this is to me, well then, perhaps we shouldn’t get married at all! Ross: Commercial Break Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hi. Phoebe: So, did shopping make you feel any better about Ross? Rachel: Manhattan does not have enough stores. Phoebe: Well, I think I can help you get over him. Rachel: You can? Phoebe: Yeah. I just need you to bring me some photos of Ross. Rachel: Um-hmm. Phoebe: And a small piece of chocolate. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: And a glass of tepid water. Rachel: Ooh, is this one of those things where you throw it in a bag with some graveyard dirt and hang it from a north-facing tree? Phoebe: Uh, only if you have the hiccups too. Yeah, the pictures are for you, the water and the chocolate is for me. I just didn’t feel like getting up. Okay, I’m gonna show you a picture of Ross. Okay? And you’re going to remember all of the bad things about him. All right? Really focus on his flaws. Rachel: I can do that. I certainly did it when we were going out. Phoebe: Okay. Umm, before we get started, I just wanna say for the record that I love Ross, I think he’s such a great guy. Here. Okay, now, close your eyes. And imagine that you’re with Ross okay and imagine that you’re kissing him. And you’re-you’re running your hands all over his body. And then you run your hands through his hair, but eew-oh gross it’s some kind of grease, it’s—uck! Hah? Rachel: I don’t know, his uh, his hair never really bothered me that much, and y’know it was always more crunchy than it was greasy. Phoebe: Okay, this is going to be harder than I thought. Umm, let’s try some uh, aversion therapy. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: Okay? Rachel: All right. Phoebe: So uh, now look at the picture… Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: All right, and umm… Rachel: Ow! Phoebe: Okay, how do you feel now? Rachel: Well, I like you less! Joey: Hey. Chandler: Hey. Joey: Oh. Sorry! Chandler: No-no-no, y’know what? I really shouldn’t have said that you were embarrassing me, I mean that really wasn’t cool. And if it makes you feel any better, I’ve had a really lousy day. Joey: Me too. Chandler: Yeah? Joey: Noo!! I’ve had the best day ever! Dude, check this out! Monica: Hey! Joey: Sh-shh-shh! Joey: Okay, so say hi to my friend and tell him that you like the hat. Fergie: Okay, so umm, what’s your friend’s name? Joey: Oh, Chandler. Fergie: Hi Chandler! Chandler: That’s… That’s was… Monica: Oh my God! Joey: That’s Fergie baby!! Fergie: Joey says you don’t really like his hat, but I think it’s kinda dashing. Chandler: How did you? How? How? Joey: Well, I was trying to figure out how to get to Buckingham Palace, right? So, I’m in my map and-and… Hey! Monica: Hey! Ross: Hi. I understand you had a little talk with Emily. Monica: Yes, I did! And you are welcome! Ross: Am I?! And was it your idea to postpone the wedding?! Monica: Umm… Chandler: I’m gonna go to the bathroom. Joey: Wait up! Ross: Hey-hey, since you’re the ‘fix-it’ lady, here’s a pickle, what do you do when the bride says she doesn’t want to have the wedding at all? Monica: She said that?! Ross: Yeah. Monica: Why?! Ross: I don’t know, I told her it was stupid to put off the wedding just because the hall was gone and she liked flipped out. Monica: Oh my God. You’re even dumber than I am! Ross: Excuse me? Monica: Ross, how long have you been planning this wedding? Ross: I don’t know. A month? Monica: Emily has probably been planning it since she was five! Ever since the first time she took a pillowcase and hung it off the back of her head. That’s what we did! We dreamed about the perfect wedding, and the perfect place, with the perfect four-tiered wedding cake Thanks. But the most important part is that we had the perfect guy who understood just how important all that other stuff was. Ross: I had no idea. And that-that pillowcase thing, I thought you guys were just doing the flying nun. Monica: Sometimes we were. Ross: Come on. You gotta help me figure out what to do. Okay? Monica: Okay. Ross: Come on. Chandler: That was pretty intense huh? Joey: Yeah. Hey, I hope Ross didn’t think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here! Chandler: I hope he did! Phoebe: Hello. Joey: Hey, Pheebs! It’s Joey! Phoebe: Hey, Joey! Hey! Ooh! Ooh! I just say someone on the—that looks just like you on the subway. And I was gonna go over and say ‘hi!’ but then I figured, he doesn’t care if he looks like you. Joey: That just cost me four bucks. But uh listen, I just called to see how the chick and the duck are doing? Phoebe: Ohh, they’re having a great time with their Aunt Phoebe! Aunt Rachel hasn’t been helpful at all. So, do you miss me? Joey: Kinda, but I’ve just been having way too much fun. Phoebe: So you’re not homesick yet? Joey: No, I don’t think so. Phoebe: All right, the seven of us miss you. Joey: Who’s seven? Phoebe: Y’know, me, Rachel, the birds, the babies… Joey: Ahh, the babies miss me? Phoebe: Ooh, the pizza guy’s here! Joey: What? You ordered pizza without me?! Phoebe: Yeah. But y’know we were thinking about you, y’know we ordered the Joey Special. Joey: Two pizzas?! Phoebe: Yep! Okay, gotta go, talk to you later. Joey: Wait, well, where did you get it from?! Emily: Monica, why have you brought me here of all places?! Monica: You’ll see. Emily: I tell you, this wedding is not going to happen. Emily: Oh God. Ross: Okay? But-but imagine a lot more lights, okay? And-and y’know fewer bricks, and-and-and flowers, and candles… Monica: And the musicians, look, they can go over here You go. Ross: But-but, if you don’t love this, we’ll do it in any other place at any other time. Really, it’s fine, whatever you want. Emily: It’s perfect. Ross: And, I don’t know, if it starts to rain… Emily: Well then we’ll get wet. Monica: Ohh. And I don’t even have a date. Rachel: Pheebs? Phoebe: Yeah? Rachel: Do you remember where the duck food is? Phoebe: Yeah, it’s in the guys’ apartment under the sink. Why? Rachel: Because I’m going to London. Phoebe: What?! What do you mean you’re going to London? Rachel: Yeah, I have to tell Ross that I love him. Now honey, you take care, you don’t have those babies until I get back. Phoebe: I—Rachel, you can’t go! Ross loves Emily! Rachel: Yeah, I know, I know, I know he does. But I have to tell him how I feel! He deserves to have all the information and then he can make an informed decision. Phoebe: That’s not why you’re going! You’re going because you hope he’s gonna say, "Yeah, I love you too, Rach. Forget that British chippy." Rachel: Ohh—Do you think he will?! Phoebe: No! Because he’s in love with the British chippy! Look, Rachel, if you go, you’re just gonna mess with his head and ruin his wedding! Y’know, it’s too late! You missed you’re chance! I’m sorry, I know this must be really hard, it’s over. Rachel: Y’know what? No. It’s not over until someone says, "I do." Phoebe: I do! I do! I do! Ugh, like I can really chase you. I’m carrying a litter. Commercial Break Housekeeper: The Waltham Residence. Phoebe: Oh...yes..is this..umm..Emily’s Parents’ house. Housekeeper: This is the housekeeper speaking. And by the way, young lady, that is not how one addresses oneself on the telephone. First one identifies oneself and then asks for the person with whom one wishes to speak. Phoebe: This is Phoebe Buffay. I was wondering, please, if-if it’s not too much trouble, please, umm, might I speak to Miss Emily Waltham, please? Housekeeper: Miss Waltham, is at the rehearsal dinner and it’s not polite to make fun of people. Goodbye. Phoebe: No no no, I’ll be nice, I swear!!!   Could you just give me the number for where they are? Housekeeper: I’m afraid, I’m not at liberty to divulge that information. Phoebe: Ok, somebody is on their way to ruin wedding okay. And I have to warn somebody, alright. So if you don’t give me that number then I’m going to come over there and kick your snooty ass all the way to New Glocken..shire. Housekeeper: Hangs up. Phoebe: Hello, Hello. Ohh, OHH, she knew I could kick her ass. Monica: Hey. Ross: Hi. Mom. Dad. Mrs. Geller: Sweetheart. Oh sorry were late, my fault, I insisted on riding the tube. Mr. Geller: Judy, the kids.. Mrs. Geller: Jack, that’s what they call the subway. Mr. Geller: Ohh, I thought that you.... Ross and Monica: Dad, dad. We got it!! We Got It!!! Emily: Ohh, here comes my dad and stepmum. Mister and Misses Geller, this is Steven and Andrea Waltham. Mr. Waltham: She’s very self-absorbed, you know. I should never have married her. Mrs. Waltham: Sorry, what? Mr. Waltham: It’s the Gellers! Mrs. Waltham: Where? Mr. Waltham: Well there’s one . Mrs. Waltham: Lovely to meet you. Mr. Waltham: Terribly nice of you to offer to pay for half the wedding. Mr. Geller: Ohh forget it. Too hell with tradition, we’re happy to do it. Mrs. Geller: We know how expensive weddings can be, besides this may be the only wedding we get to throw . Monica: Ha ha, a joke that’s funny in all countries. Waiter: Sir? Joey: What’s in it? Waiter: Goat cheese, water chestnuts, and panchetta. Joey: Everything's different here...I want to go home. I...I miss my family. I miss the coffee house. I can’t even remember what Phoebe looks like. Chandler: Joey, it’s been three days, okay.. Your just a little homesick, Okay. Would you just try to relax. Just, just try to enjoy yourself. Joey: Mr. Geller: What the hell!!! Ross: what’s up, Dad? Mr. Geller: This bill for my half of the wedding. it’s insane. Mrs. Geller: How could it be so much? The receptions at their house. Mr. Geller: I’m going to give that son on a bitch, a piece of my mind. Ross: Now here, here, let me go talk to him, okay? Mr. Geller: And you tell him no one takes advantage of the Gellers. Mrs. Geller: Ooh, Jack.... Monica: Rachel: Hi. Ticket Agent: Hello. Rachel: Hello. Umm, when is your next flight to London? Ticket Agent: There’s one leaving in thirty minutes. Rachel: Ohh, good. Ticket Agent: And I do have one seat left. Rachel: Ohh, thank you, thank you, thank you. Ticket Agent: The last minute fare on this ticket is twenty seven hundred dollars. Rachel: Ohh, I just don’t think I have enough left on my credit card. Ticket Agent: Well you can split it with another credit card. Rachel: Ohh, okay, how about five. Ohh, thank you. Ticket Agent: I’m just going to need to see your passport. Rachel: Ticket Agent: Ross: Look, face it, my father is not going to pay for the build-in barbecue and believe me you can kiss you gazebo goodbye. Now I might be able to get you the new lawn. Mr. Waltham: Ahh, then you have to give us the lawn ornaments. Ross: I go back there with lawn ornaments, he’s going to laugh in my face. Mrs. Waltham: This is ridiculous. I mean we had an agreement. Will you say something, Steven?! Please!!! Mr. Waltham: Don’t take that tone with me. Rachel: Hi, Pheebs. Phoebe: Oh thank god. Oh, you changed your mind. Oh, look I know you probably want to be alone, and you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. I just want you to know, I think you are doing the right thing and... Rachel: Bye, Pheebs. Phoebe: God!! Why am I always pregnant when she does that?! Chandler: I’d like to toast, Ross and Emily. Of course, my big toast will be tomorrow at the wedding, so this is kind of my little toast or Melba toast, if you will. Mrs. Waltham: Hello, Waltham Interiors. Phoebe: Oh, hi, Mrs. Waltham. I need to speak with ether one of the best men, or Ross’s sister Monica. Mrs. Waltham: Who is this? Phoebe: Oh, I’m Phoebe Buffay. I’m one of Ross’s best friends. Mrs. Waltham: Well, if you’re on e of Ross’s best friends, why aren’t you here? Phoebe: Yeah, um, I can’t fly. I’m having my brother’s babies. Mrs. Waltham: Oh, am I on the radio? Phoebe: No..umm, could I talk to one of them? It’s very very important. Mrs. Waltham: No, I’m bored with you now. I’m going to cut you off. Phoebe: Ohh! Okay, I’m going to have to kick her ass too. Chandler: Joey: Hey, best man number two, Joey Tribbiani. Now I’m not good with the jokes like Chandler here. Boy...but ahh, I just want to say congratulation to the happy couple. I first met Ross in this coffee house back home...Home...New York City...Where everybody knows my name. Well anyway, I love you guys. Could we please..go home now? Felicity: Are you going home? I was hoping to get to know you better. Joey: I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart. Monica: I was laughing. Chandler: Out loud? Monica: Well I didn’t want everyone to think I was stupid. Chandler: So how are you doing? Monica: My mother’s driving me crazy, but Ross is getting married. I’m happy. I’m not going to let anything spoil that. Drunk Man: I just want to say that Ross is a wonderful young man. Monica: Well, thanks, we like him. Drunk Man: My god!! You must have been a teenage when you had him. Mr. Geller: There’s no way in hell, I’m paying for it. Ross: Look, were down to just one point. Could we please, maybe just settle it after the wedding. Mr. Geller: All-right fine, but I just want to say, I’m not paying for your wine cellar. You thieving, would be speaking German if it weren’t for us, cheap little man. Chandler: The guy was hammered, okay? There’s no way, you look like Ross’s mother. Monica: Then why would he say it? Chandler: Because he’s crazy. Okay? He came up to me earlier and thanked me for my very moving performance in Titanic. Monica: Oh, my mother’s right. I’m never going to get married. Chandler: Ahh, you know what? That is....Who wouldn’t want you? Monica: Ohh, Please?! I’m a single mom, with a thirty year old son!! Rachel: Hi, I’m back. Listen, I need to... Ticket Agent: Hello. Rachel: Hello. I need to get on the 11 o'clock flight. Ticket Agent: Oh I’m afraid that plane has already pulled away from the gate. Rachel: Okay, you know what/ You’re going to have to call that plane and tell them to swing around and come and pick me up. Ticket Agent: I can’t do that. Rachel: Sure, you know what? Come on, we’ll just tell them that there was like a problem with like the "engine". Ticket Agent: I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to step aside, Miss. Rachel: Look, If I don’t get to London!! He is going to marry that other girl!!! Ticket Agent: I can’t imagine why. Rachel: All right, you know what? I am not leaving here, until you call that plane back!! Ross: I’m getting married today!! Whoo-hoo!! Chandler: Morning, Ross. Ross: I’m getting married, to..day!! Chandler: Yeah you are!! Ross: Ahh, whoo-hoo!!(He runs back out the door. Monica: Commercial Break Chandler: Well I’ve-I’ve never done that with you before. Monica: Chandler: So, ahh, how are ya? How ya...How ya... You okay? Monica: Yep, yep...You? Chandler: Yes...Yes..Uh-huh, You? We did you. Monica: Well...I’d better get going. Chandler: Oh yea yea, absolutely. Monica: Could you not look? Chandler: I don’t want to look. Rachel: Ohhh. Passenger: Ahh, ahh, excuse me. Rachel: Yeah? Passenger: If you’re planning on doing that throughout the entire flight. Please tell me now. So that I could that a sedative...or perhaps slip you one. Rachel: Oh. I’m sorry. I’m very sorry. Sorry. Joey: Hello? Phoebe: Hey, were the hell have you been?! Joey: Hey. I spent the night out. I met this cute bridesmaid. She is so... Phoebe: I don’t want to hear about her!! Joey: Ahh Pheebs, you know you’re still my number one girl. Phoebe: No! No, we have an emergency. Okay? Rachel’s coming to London. Joey: Ohh great!!! Phoebe: No it’s not great. No, she’s coming to tell Ross that she loves him. Joey: But, he loves Emily? Phoebe: I KNOW THAT!!! You have to stop her!! She’s going to ruin the wedding!! Joey: Okay. Phoebe: All right, so, okay... Joey: Hold on. Hold on. Rachel coming. Do...Something. Phoebe: Okay, so I’m done my part, okay. It’s your responsibility now, okay. The burden is off me, right? Joey: Right! Phoebe: So tell me about this girl? Joey: Hey. Chandler: Hey. Joey: Have you seen Monica? Chandler: I’m not seeing Monica. Joey: What? Chandler: What? Joey: Look we’ve got to find her. Phoebe just called!! Rachel’s coming to tell Ross she loves him!! Chandler: Oh my god! Joey: I know! That’s why we got to find Monica!! You know where she is? Chandler: No!! Okay!! What’s with the third degree?! Why don’t you just shine a light in my eyes?! Rachel: ...And so then I realized. All this stuff I had been doing. proposing to Joshua, lying to Ross about why I couldn’t come to the wedding. Was all just a way of... Passenger: Oh, oh oh!! I’m sorry, can I interrupt? You know I just want to say..That you are a horrible, horrible person. Rachel: Ehh, pardon me? Passenger: You say you love this man, yet you’re about to ruin the happiest day of his life. I’m afraid I have to agree with you friend Pheebs.. This is a..this is a...terrible, terrible plan. Rachel: But he has to know how I feel! Passenger: But why? He loves this...this Emily person. No good can come of this. Rachel: Well I-I think your wrong. Passenger: Oh-no. Mrs. Geller: Oh my God! It’s like a fairyland. Mrs. Waltham: I know, it’s horrible isn’t it? Monica: Well, I love it. I only hope my wedding looks this good. Mrs. Geller: I just hope... Monica: Joey: Pisst, Monica. Alright, we really need to start looking out for Rachel. I’ll cover the front door. You watch that big hole at the back of the building and I got Chandler covering Ross. Monica: Why would I care where Chandler is? You know uhh...You know sometimes I don’t even like Chandler. Joey: Okay. Ross: I do. I do. I do. Chandler: Oh yea, your right. It’s the second one. Ross: Really? [Scene: Joey’s in the front entrance watching for Rachel. The bridesmaid he met at the rehearsal dinner come in.) Felicity: Hello Joey. Joey: Hey, Felicity. Felicity: Umm, I thought about you all day. Joey: Yeah. Felicity: Um-hum. Talk New York to me again. Joey: How you doin? Felicity: Mmm. Joey: Oh, yeah. Mrs. Geller: There’s nothing to discuss. We’re not paying for your wine cellar. Mr. Waltham: You-you have to meet me in the middle here. Mr. Geller: Hey, you keep pushing me on this, my foots going to meet the middle of your ass. Ross: Dad!! Emily: What-what’s going on?! Ross: Nothing, nothing. Everything's under control. Mr. Waltham: You want a piece of me, sir? Is that what your saying? You want a piece of me? Ross: That’s right!! Mr. Geller: Okay, okay. Mr. Waltham: Sorry old boy, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I could kill you with my thumb, you know. Emily: What was all that about? Ross: My god. You...you look beautiful. Emily: Oh! You were not meant to see me before the wedding. It’s bad luck. Ross: You know what, I think we’ve had all the bad luck we’re going to have. Ross: My God. Rachel! What happen? Why are you here? Rachel: Well I just came... Mrs. Waltham: Hello, Waltham Interiors. Phoebe: Mrs. Waltham. Hi. It’s Phoebe again. Mrs. Waltham: Why?! Phoebe: Yea. Can I please, please, please talk to one of the best men? This is going to be the last time I promise. Mrs. Waltham: Joey there’s a girl on the phone for you. Joey: Phoebe: Did you stop Rachel? Joey: No, but it’s okay. She just came in and gave him a hug, that it. Phoebe: So nothing got ruined? Joey: No. Phoebe: Oh that’s so great! Ohh, so what’s going on now? Joey: Ah, I’m-I’m walking down the aisle...Still walking. He looks pretty mad. Uh...I’d better go. Phoebe: No!! wait, wait, wait!! Oh please, hold it up so I can listen. Chandler: What we did last night was.... Monica: Stupid. Chandler: Totally crazy stupid. Monica: What were we thinking? Chandler: I’m coming over tonight though, right? Monica: Oh yeah. Definitely. Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. May the happiness we share with them today be with them always. Now Emily, repeat after me. I, Emily... Emily: I, Emily... Minster: Take thee Ross... Emily: Take thee Ross... Minster: As my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, till death parts us. Emily: As my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, until death parts us. Minster: Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross... Ross: I Ross... Minister: Take thee, Emily... Ross: Take thee, Rachel... Emily. Minister: Uhh...Shall I go on? Closing Credits End Written by: Seth Kurland Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross... Ross: I Ross... Minister: Take thee, Emily... Ross: Take thee, Rachel... Emily. Minister: Uhh...Shall I go on? Rachel: He-he said Rachel, right? Do you think I should go up there? Emily: Yes, yes, do go on. Minister: I think we’d better start again. Ross, repeat after me. I, Ross… Ross: I, Ross… Minister: Take thee, EM-I-LY… Ross: Take thee, Minister: As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, till death parts us. Ross: As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, until death parts us. Really, I do. Emily. Minister: May I have the rings? Ross, place this ring in Emily’s hand as a symbol of the love that encircles you forever. Ross: Happy too. Minister: Ross and Emily have made their declarations and it gives me great pleasure to declare them husband and wife. Ross: Yay! Minister: You may kiss the bride. Mrs. Geller: This is worse than when he married the lesbian. Emily: Just keep smiling. Ross: Okay. Joey: Well, that went well. Yeah. Chandler: It could’ve been worse, he could’ve shot her. Ross: That uh, that was pretty funny. Wasn’t it? Opening Credits Emily: You’ve spoiled everything! It’s like a nightmare! My friends and family are out there! How can I face them?! How can you do this to me?! Joey: Hey, no matter what happens with Ross and Emily, we still get cake right? Ross: She’s just fixing her makeup. Emily: I hate you!! Ross: And, I love you!! Mr. Geller: Boy, bad time to say the wrong name, huh Ross? Ross: That’s true, thanks dad. Mrs. Waltham: Yes, Waltham interiors. Phoebe: Uh, hello, this is Ross Geller’s personal physician, Dr. Philange. Mrs. Waltham: Who? Phoebe: Yeah, I’ve discovered that Ross forgot to take his brain medicine, uh, now without it, uh, in the brain of Ross, uh women’s names are interchangeable, through-through no fault of his own. Mrs. Waltham: Oh my God, Phoebe. Phoebe: No, not Phoebe, Dr. Philange. Oh no! You have it too! Phoebe: Hello? Chandler: Hey. Monica: Hey. Chandler: Oh wow, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but, I know we had plans to meet up tonight and, ugh, I’m just kinda worried about what it might do to our friendship. Monica: I know. How could we have let this happen? Chandler: Seven times! Monica: Ugh! Well, y’know, we were away… Chandler: In a foreign, romantic country… Monica: I blame London. Chandler: Bad London! Monica: So look umm, while we’re st-still in London, I mean, we can keep doing it right? Chandler: Well, I don’t see that we have a choice. But, when we’re back home, we don’t do it. Monica: Only here. Chandler: Y’know, I saw a wine cellar downstairs… Monica: I’ll meet you there in two minutes. Chandler: Okay! Rachel: Mon, honey, I gotta ask you something. Monica: Now? Rachel: Ross said my name up there, I mean, come on, I just can’t pretend that didn’t happen can I? Monica: Oh, I-I don’t know. Rachel: Monica, what should I do? Monica: Just uh, do the right thing. Rachel: What? Monica: Toe the line. Thread the needle. Think outside the box! Rachel: Whoa, wait, listen, I think I’m just gonna talk to Ross about what he think it meant. Monica: Wait. Rachel, no, he’s married. Married! If you don’t realize that, I can’t help you. Rachel: Okay, you’re right. You’re right. You can’t help me. Mrs. Geller: Jack, is it all our fault? Were we bad parents? Mr. Waltham: Yes. Mr. Geller: Oh yeah, well who serves steak when there’s no place to sit, I mean how are you supposed to eat this? Joey: Hey, what’s up? Monica: Where were you? We were supposed to meet in the wine cellar? Chandler: Forget it, that’s off. Monica: Why?! Mr. Waltham: The next tour of the wine cellar will plan in two in-in minutes… Monica: Joey, what are you doing? You promised Phoebe you wouldn’t eat meat until she has the babies! Joey: Well, I figured we’re in another country, so it doesn’t count. Monica: That’s true. Chandler: The man’s got a point. Rachel: Oh, hi! Ross: Hi! Rachel: Hi. Sorry, things aren’t working out so well. Ross: Oh no! It could be better, but it’s gonna be okay, right? Rachel: Oh yeah! Of course, I mean, she’s gonna get over this, y’know? I mean, so you said my name! Y’know you just said it ‘cause you saw me there, if you’d have seen a circus freak, you would’ve said, "I take thee circus freak." Y’know, it didn’t mean anything, it’s just a mistake. It didn’t mean anything. Right? Ross: No! No! Of course it didn’t mean anything! I mean, uh well, I can understand why Emily would think it meant something, y’know, because-because it was you… Rachel: Right… Ross: But it absolutely didn’t. It didn’t!! It didn’t!! Joey: Ross, hey, the band’s ready outside for your first dance with Emily, so… Ross: Oh! Oh-oh, the band’s ready! Well, I-I-we gotta do what the band says—I don’t care about the stupid band!! Joey: You spit on me man! Ross: Look, I’m sorry. Joey: Emily is kinda taking a long time, huh? Rachel: Y’know when I locked myself in the bathroom at my wedding, it was because I was trying to pop the window out of the frame. Ross: Oh, right! Rachel: Get the hell out of there, y’know? Ross: Rachel: Well, look at that, same thing. Chandler: Listen, in the middle of everything if I scream the word, "Yippee!" just ignore me. Monica: Oh my God, Rachel! Hi! Chandler: Oh, hello Rachel. Rachel: Ross said my name. Okay? My name. Ross said my name up there that obviously means that he still loves me! Okay, don’t believe me, I know I’m right—do you guys want to go downstairs and get a drink? Chandler: Yes, we do. But, we have to change first. Monica: Yes, I want to change. And why-why don’t you go down and get us a table? Chandler: Yeah, we’ll be down in like five minutes. Monica: Fifteen minutes. Rachel: Okay. Rachel: Hello? Oh, Pheebs! It’s Phoebe! Chandler: Oh, yay… Monica: Great… Rachel: Hi! Phoebe: Hi, so what happened? Rachel: Well, Ross said my name. Phoebe: Yeah, I know, but I don’t think that means anything. Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, y’know what, let’s look at this objectively all right? Ninth grade, right? The obsession starts. All right? The summer after ninth grade he sees me in a two-piece for the first time, his obsession begins to grow. So then… Chandler: Hey, listen, why don’t we go change in my room? Monica: But my clothes are—ohh! Chandler: Wow, you look… Monica: No time for that! Joey: Hey, dude, let me in. I got a girl out here! Chandler: Well, I’ve got a girl in here. Joey: No you don’t, I just saw you go in there with Monica! Chandler: Well, we’re-we’re hanging out in here! Joey: Look, which one of us is gonna be having sex in there, me or you? Chandler: Well, I suppose I’d have to say you!! But, what if we’re watching a movie in here? Monica: Which we are, and-and we already paid for it. It’s My Giant! Joey: My Giant? I love that movie! Monica: You really think this is okay? Chandler: Well, Ross and Emily aren’t gonna use it. Monica: Oh, it’s so beautiful. Ohh! Y’know, I-I don’t know if I feel right about this. Chandler: Oh Mon-Mon-Mon-Mon-look, this is the honeymoon suite. The room expects sex. The room would be disappointed if it didn’t get sex. All of the other honeymoon suites would think it was a loser. Monica: Okay! Chandler: Okay! Ross: Emily?! Chandler: Nope, not under here! Monica: You didn’t find her? Ross: No, I’ve looked everywhere! Chandler: Well, you couldn’t have looked everywhere or else you would’ve found her! Monica: Yeah, I think you should keep looking! Chandler: Yeah, for about 30 minutes. Monica: Or 45. Chandler: Wow, in 45 minutes you can find her twice. Ross: No! For all I know, she’s trying to find me but couldn’t because I kept moving around. No, from now on, I’m staying in one place. Right here. Monica: Well, it’s getting late. Chandler: Yeah, we’re gonna go. Ross: Actually, do you guys mind staying here for a while? Monica: Ugh, y’know, umm we gotta get up early and catch that plane for New York. Chandler: Yeah, it’s a very large plane. Ross: That’s cool. Chandler: But, we’ll stay here with you. Ross: Thanks guys! I really appreciate this, y’know, but you don’t have to rub my butt. Commercial Break Chandler: We have to leave for New York in an hour. Monica: I know, I’ve been looking at those doors, they look pretty sound proof, don’t you think? Chandler: We can’t do that that’s insane. I mean ‘A’ he could wake up and ‘B’ y’know, let’s go for it. Ross: Em-Emily? Mr. Waltham: No. Mrs. Waltham: You can forget about Emily, she’s not with us. Mr. Waltham: We’ve come for her things. Ross: Wait, well wh-wh-wh-where is she? Mr. Waltham: She’s in hiding. She’s utterly humiliated. She doesn’t want to see you ever again. Mrs. Waltham: We’re very sad that it didn’t work out between you and Emily, monkey. But, I think you’re absolutely delicious. Mr. Waltham: Excuse me, I’m standing right here! Mrs. Waltham: Oh yes, there you are. Rachel: Mr. Waltham: Goodbye Geller. Ross: Now, hold on! Hold on! That’s all! Now just tell Emily that I love her and that I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else. Please, promise me that you’ll tell her that. Mr. Waltham: All right, I’ll tell her. Come on bugger face! Mrs. Waltham: Call me. Mr. Waltham: You spend half your life in the bathroom, why don’t you ever go out the bloody window! Monica: Y’know, maybe it’s best that we never got to do it again. Chandler: Yeah, it kinda makes that-that one night special. Y’know, technically we still are over international waters. Monica: I’m gonna go to the bathroom, maybe I’ll see you there in a bit? Chandler: ‘Kay! Joey: Can I ask you something? Chandler: Uhh, no. Joey: Felicity and I, we’re watching My Giant, and I was thinking, "I’m never gonna be as good an actor as that giant." Do you think I’m just wasting my life with this acting thing? Chandler: No. Joey: I mean, the giant is like five years younger than me, y’know, you think I’ll ever get there? Chandler: Yes. Joey: Thanks man. Chandler: Okay man. Joey: But what about how much taller he is than me? Joey: I mean, there’s no way I can make myself taller now, y’know? And who knows what science will come up with in the future, but Chandler, what if I die an unsuccessful, regular sized man? Joey: Hey, Monica, wow you’ve been in the bathroom for like a half-hour. Monica: I know! Joey: Had the beef-tips, huh? Phoebe: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hi! Phoebe: Chandler: No we didn’t! Phoebe: I know you didn’t, I was talking about Monica. Monica: Phoebe, I did not have sex. Phoebe: This pregnancy is throwing me all off. Joey: All right, I’m gonna go say hi the chick and the duck. Phoebe: Oh, me too! Joey: Why would you need to say hi to them, you’ve been feeding them for four days? Phoebe: Oh right, maybe I’ll just go home. Monica: Well, we certainly are alone. Chandler: Yes! Good thing we have that, ‘Not in New York’ rule. Monica: Right. Umm, listen since we’re-we-re on that subject, umm, I just wanted to tell you that uh, well, I-I was going through a really hard time in London, what with my brother getting married and that guy thinking I was Ross’s mother… Chandler: Right. Monica: Well, an-anyway, I just—that night meant a lot to me, I guess I’m just trying to say thanks. Chandler: Oh. Y’know, that night meant a lot to me too, and it wasn’t because I was in a bad place or anything, it just meant a lot to me ‘cause, you’re really hot! Is that okay? Monica: That’s okay. Chandler: And I’m cute too. Monica: And you’re cute too. Chandler: Thank you! All right, I gotta go unpack. Monica: Okay. Chandler: Bye. Chandler: I’m still on London time, does that count? Monica: That counts! Chandler: Oh, good! Ross: Rach! Rach! Rachel: Hi! Ross: Hi! What are you, what are you doing here? Rachel: Well, I-I-I’ve been on Standby for a flight home for hours. Ross: Oh. Rachel: Ohh, so no sign of Emily huh? Ross: Not yet. Rachel: So umm, what time are you supposed to leave? Gate Agent: This is the last call for Flight 1066 to Athens. The last call. Ross: Pretty soon I guess. Rachel: Yeah. I’m sorry. Ross: I just, I don’t understand, I mean, how-how can she do this? Y’know, what, am I, am I like a complete idiot for thinking that she’d actually show up? Rachel: No, you’re not an idiot, Ross. You’re a guy very much in love. Ross: Same difference. Gate Agent: All ticketed passengers for Flight 1066 to Athens should now be on board. Ross: I get it! Well, that’s that. Rachel: No, you know what, I think you should go. Ross: What? Rachel: Yeah, I do. I think you should go, by yourself, get some distance, clear your head, I think it’d be really good. Ross: Oh, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t know… Rachel: Oh, come on Ross! I think it would be really good for you! Ross: I could, yeah, I can do that. Rachel: Yeah. Ross: I can’t, I can’t even believe her! No, y’know what, I am, I am gonna go! Rachel: Good! Ross: I know, why not? Rachel: Right! Ross: Right? Rachel: Right! Ross: Y’know—thanks! Rachel: Okay, I’ll see you back at home, if I ever get a flight out of here. Ross: Yeah, well…nah. Rachel: What? Wait, what? Ross: Why don’t you come, I mean, I-I have two tickets, why not? Rachel: Well-well, I don’t know Ross—really? Ross: Yeah, yeah, it’ll be great! You can, you can lay on the beach and I can cry over my failed marriage. See-see how I make jokes? Rachel: Uh-huh. Ross: No really, I mean, I mean, God, I could use a friend. Rachel: Oh wow, uh okay, uh maybe. Umm, yes, I can do that! Ross: Okay! Rachel: Okay! Ross: Cool! Rachel: All right! Ross: Come on! Here. Rachel: Oh, okay, we’re going. Yeah. Ross: Ah! Ah! I forgot my jacket! Rachel: Oh, wait-wait-wait… Ross: You tell them to wait! Rachel: Okay. Wait! Wait! Ross: Emily. Ross: Oh no-no-no! Oh-no! No! No! Emily! Ending Credits Rachel: Ahh, yes, I will have a glass of the Merlot and uh, Oh my God. Oh, my gosh. End Written by: Wil Calhoun Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Monica: You look cute in bubbles. Chandler: Ehh, you're just liquored up. Joey: Hey, it's me! I'm comin' in! Chandler: I've had a very long, hard day. Joey: Ahh, I'm gonna go get some chicken. Want some? Chandler: Ahh, no thanks. No chicken, bye-bye then. Joey: Okay. Joey: You sure? Some extra crispy? Dirty rice? Beans? Chandler: For the last time no! Get out! Get out, Joey! Joey: All right! Chandler: Are you okay? I'm so sorry, he wouldn't leave. He kept asking me about chicken. Monica: Chicken? I could eat some chicken. Chandler: Hey Joe! Chandler: Yeah, can I get a 3-piece, some cole slaw, some beans, and a Coke-(Yelps in pain as Monica grabs him underwater)-Diet Coke. Opening Credits Phoebe: Hey! Chandler: Hey, Pheebs! Joey: Mornin' Pheebs! Phoebe: I have to tell you this story. Okay, I was coming over here and this driver… Joey: Phoebe: What? Joey: Oh, he was this cab driver we had in London. Phoebe: Oh. Ha-ha-ha. All right, anyway… Monica: Wait, what that place, that pub he took us too? Chandler: Uh, The Wheatsheaf. Joey: Yeah-yeah-yeah, and they had that beer! That uh… Monica: Bodington's! All: Bodington's! Woohoo! Chandler: Ooh! Ahh, Pheebs, was gonna tell a story. Phoebe: Yeah, so, he had a really funny hat—I don't want to talk about it. Ross: Hey! All: Hey! Joey: Hey, Ross, Bodington's! Ross: Yeah! Joey: That was good beer. Ross: Ohh… Joey: Y'know, I'd walk back to London for another frosty one of those bad boys. Ross: Y'know, I think they have those at that British pub near the trade center. Joey: Later! Ross: Isn't Rachel supposed to be back by now? Monica: Yeah, but her plane got delayed in Athens. But actually, she should be here by now. Ross: Oh, so-so you talked to her. Did she, did she sound mad? Monica: No, but she likes me. You abandoned her on a plane to Greece. Ross: Okay, I did not abandon Rachel! Okay? Emily showed up at the airport! I had to go after her! I mean, I-I did what I had to do! She's my wife! Rachel is my wife! Y'know—Emily! Emily, is my wife! Man, what is that? Phoebe: So you still hadn't heard from Emily? Ross: No, not since I lost her at the airport. Chandler: I can't believe she can out run you man! Ross: HEY, SHE'S FAST!! OKAY?!! Oh! You-you think you can be beat me? Let's go! Outside!! Rachel: Hi! All: Hey! Ross: Rach, Rach, I am so sorry. I am so-so sorry. Rachel: Oh Ross, come on! You just did what you had to do. Ross: That's it? You're not mad? I mean, it must've been terrible. Rachel: Terrible? Hell, I was in Greece! That was a nice hotel! Nice beach, met the nice people. Not to shabby for Rachel. Ross: So, what? That's it? Rachel: Well, yeah! We're cool. Totally cool. Ross: Oh, thanks. Oh, you're the best. Rachel: Oh no, you're the best. Ross: Check it out, no one will tell me where Emily is, so I'm gonna send 72 long-stem, red roses to Emily's parent's house, one for each day that I've known and loved her. That oughta get her talking to me again. Chandler: Oh, Ross, when you make out card; be sure to make it out to, EM-I-LY. Monica: Rach, that's great! It's so good that you had a good time in Greece! Rachel: What?! I didn't have a good time in Greece! Ross abandoned me! Okay, I couldn't get a plane out, so I had to stay in their honeymoon suite with people coming up to me all the time going, "Oh, Mrs. Geller, why are you crying?" I mean, it was sooo humiliating. I felt like such an idiot! I mean, it's all my fault! And you know why, because I make very bad decisions. Chandler: Oh that's not true. Rachel: Yes it is! It is true! I went, I went after Ross in stupid London. Phoebe: London is stupid! Stupid! Rachel: Phoebe, you were right. I should've never gone to London, and from now on you make all of my decisions for me. Phoebe: Oh… No, I did that for someone once and I'm not comfortable having that kind of power and control over someone's life. Monica: I'll do it! Rachel: That's fine. So Monica, you are now in control of my love life. Chandler: Okay, I gotta go to work. Chandler: And uh, Rachel, glad to have you back. Chandler: Pheebs! Monica: Oh, Rachel, sweetie, look, here's a really cute picture of Joey and you at the reception. Rachel: Ohh, he's married! Ross is married. I can't—I still can't believe it. Monica: Honey, sweetie, by the edges. Rachel: I mean, y'know I'm just gonna have to accept it … Monica: Ohh. Rachel: …I mean it's my fault. Monica: Sweetie! Edges! Fingers! Smudgey! Pictures! Rachel: Oh my God! Monica: Okay. That's okay. I-I know that you're very upset right now. I know, I know that wasn't about me. Joey: I bet it was about her a little. Monica: If you would stop thinking about Ross for one minute you would notice that there are great guys everywhere! I mean, look! Look, Gunther! I mean, he's nice, he's cute. Rachel: Yeah, I guess Gunther is kinda… Monica: Remember? That is the guy you flirted with at the counter that time. Rachel: Oh, I don't know. I don't know. Monica: You're going to talk to him! Y'know what? We made a deal, I make your decisions and I say you're going to talk to him. Rachel: All right, you're the boss. I guess I gotta do what you tell me. Joey: Say that to him and you're golden. Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Joey: Hey, Pheebs! Monica: We got out pictures back from London. Here's all of us at the Tower of London. Phoebe: Chandler: All right, y'know what, we've been talking about London too much haven't we? Phoebe: No. I'm sorry. It's just 'cause I couldn't be there. 'Cause all I ever get to do now is pregnant stuff, it just bums me out. All: Sorry. Monica: What happened? Rachel: Well, y'know, a little of this, a little of that. Got myself a date tomorrow night. Monica: See, didn't I tell you?! You're getting over Ross already! Rachel: Well… Gunther: Get out! Monica: What took you so long? Chandler: I got caught up and work, but I'm quitting tomorrow. Monica: Oh, good. Chandler: So, thanks for having me over! Rach. Joey: What the hell was that?! Monica: Probably some y'know, European good-bye thing he picked up in London. Rachel: That's not European! Phoebe: Well, it felt French. Rachel: Oh God, I really had a good time! Dave: Yeah, me too. So, I guess this is it. Rachel: Yeah. Umm, unless you wanna come inside? Dave: Yeah! Rachel: Okay. Oh, uh, wait a minute, y'know what? I uh, I can't decide this. Umm, okay, just hold on a second. Dave: Okay, yeah! Rachel: Umm, hi! Ross: Hi. Rachel: Is Monica around? I-I have to ask her something. Ross: She's doing her laundry. Rachel: What's that? Ross: It came in the mail today, it's uh, 72 long-stemmed red roses, one for each day that I've known and loved Emily, cut up into mulch! Rachel: Oh, honey that's awful. Ross: Oh, it's not so bad. Monica's gonna make potpourri! I think I'm gonna go wander out in the rain for a while. Rachel: But, it's not raining. Ross: I can't catch a break! Rachel: Y'know what Ross? You're not going anywhere. You're gonna sit right here. I'm gonna make you a cup of tea and we're gonna talk this thing whole out. All right? Hey, Dave! Dave: Yeah? Rachel: Umm, listen, I'm gonna need to take a rain check, my roommate is just really sick. Okay? Bye! Honey, listen, I know, I know things seem so bad right now. Monica: Rach? Can I talk to for just a minute? I-I dropped some socks. Rachel: Yeah. Monica: What is the matter with you?! Do you want to fall into the trap? Do you want to fall into the trap?! Rachel: Ohh! You did not drop any socks! Monica: I just ran into Dave and he told me that you blew him off! I mean, you listen to me! Now, I'm calling the shots! I say you leave Ross alone and go get Dave! What the hell were you trying to do? Rachel: Well, ultimately, I was trying y'know, I-I wanted…tell him y'know, that I'm still in love with him. Monica: What?!! You cannot tell him that!! Rachel: Why? Why not?! People love to hear that! Monica: I make the decisions, and I say no. Rachel: Well, y'know what, no, you do not make my decisions because y'know what, you're fired. Monica: You can't fire me. I make your decisions and I say, "I'm not fired!" Ha! Rachel: Well… Monica: Rachel!! Come on! Let me in! Joey: Havin' some trouble? Monica: Rachel locked the door. Joey: I'll kick that door in if you give me a little sugar. Commercial Break Monica: Rachel! Let me in! Rachel! Monica: Thank you. Rachel, can I talk to you outside for a sec? Rachel: No. Monica: I really need to talk to you. Rachel: Well, then talk! Monica: Okay, I will. Remember that thing that we just discussed that you wanted to do? Rachel: Yes! Ross: What thing? Monica: Well, Rachel wants to take swing dance lessons. Which I think is a really stupid idea! It's dangerous, she's never gonna get what she wants, and who knows who she might end up hurting. Ross: Monica's right, swing dancing can be tricky. I'm gonna use the phone. I gotta cancel those five giant teddy bears I sent to Emily. My God, think of the massacre. Rachel: I'm gonna do it. Monica: All right, Rachel, I know-I know you think I'm crazy, please, before you tell him you love him, just-just try to find one person who thinks this is a good idea. Because I bet you, you can't. Rachel: But I… Monica: Please! Rachel: All right, fine. Monica: Joey, I'm in! Joey: All right. Good deal. All: Pheebs! Hey Pheebs! Joey: Uh, okay, Pheebs? Phoebe: Yeah? Joey: Umm, y'know how the other day you were talking about how you didn't get to go to London and how you were kinda feeling left out? Phoebe: Yeah? Joey: All right, well, we felt really bad about that so we decided we should all take a little trip together! Phoebe: Ohh, that's so nice! How great! Well, where? Where's the trip?! Monica: Well, we thought we would all go to a picnic , in Central Park! Phoebe: Park! Joey: Yeah, all of us! All day! Phoebe: That sucks! That's not a trip! I just came from the park! What are we gonna high five about at the stupid Central Park? "Well, it's right by my house, all right!" Chandler: Well, I'm gonna go home and bask in the triumph of my Central Park idea. Rachel: Hey-whoa-whoa-whoa!! Ho-ho-hold on a sec there, Mr. Kissey! Y'know, I've been meaning to talk to you about this whole, little, new European thing you got going on, and I just need to tell you that it makes me very uncomfortable and I just—y'know—stop it! Chandler: I was just trying to bring a little culture to the group. Phoebe: That's fine, just don't bring it in my mouth. Monica: Makes me wanna puke! Ross: Hey everybody, Pheebs is here! Joey: Phoebe! Chandler: Hey, Pheebs! Rachel: Phoebe, woo! Phoebe: Okay, woo! Hi. Chandler: Okay, Pheebs, we decided the picnic idea was a little… Y'know, it didn't have any… It-it, well it blew. So, we thought, that this afternoon that we would all go away for the whole weekend to, Atlantic City! Phoebe: Ooh, Atlantic City! Oh, that's a great plan! Who's plan was that? Joey: Mine! Ross: Wait! It was my plan. Joey: Nooo, I said we needed a new plan. Ross: And, I came up with Atlantic City. Joey: Which, is the new plan! Monica: Okay, well, why don't we all meet upstairs in an hour? Phoebe: Okay! Ooh-ahh, I'm gonna go pack. I'm gonna go pack my ass off! Monica: Come on Rach, let's go. Rachel: Yeah, y'know what? I'm-I'm gonna meet you upstairs in a minute. Monica: No! Rachel, you didn't find anyone so you can't tell him. Rachel: Well, y'know what, that doesn't matter. Monica: Okay, Rachel, do you have any idea how painful it is to tell someone that you love them and not have them say it back? Rachel: Yeah, I-I don't care. Monica: Okay. I-I can't watch. Rachel: What 'cha readin'? Ross: The paper. Rachel: Yeah, what's it about? Ross: Events from around the globe. Rachel: Okay. Uhh, Ross, y'know what, there's something that I-that I have to talk to you about and everybody's saying that I shouldn't tell you, but I think they're wrong. I mean, and you know how people can be wrong. Ross: Sure. Once, at work I-I thought carbon dating was fossilized… Rachel: Okay, Ross, I'm really trying to tell you something here. Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Okay. Ross: Go ahead. Rachel: Umm, okay, I think I'm-I'm just gonna-just gonna say it. Just gonna say it. Uhh, I'm still in love with you Ross. Ross: Wow. Umm… Huh… I'm-I'm not sure what to do with that right now. Ross: What? What? Was that a joke? 'Cause it's mean. Rachel: I'm so dead serious. I'm totally serious. Ross: Why are you laughing? Rachel: Because was like, "You are such an idiot!" Ross: Well, well I am married. Even though I haven't spoken to my wife since the wedding. Rachel: I'm sorry, that's not funny. Ross: Actually, it kinda is. My wife won't return my calls. I don't know where my wife is. "Hey Ross, where's the Mrs.?" Don't know! Rachel: Oh God, ohh, okay, y'know what, do you think ah, do you think that you just forget that I told you this? Ross: Well, I kinda half to. I mean, because the thing is… Rachel: The thing is y'know, that you're married to Emily. Ross: That is what the thing is. Rachel: Ross, things aren't gonna be weird between us, right? I mean was that just the stupidest thing, me telling you that? Ross: No. No. No, I'm-I'm glad you did. Look, if nothing else, it's-it's always great when someone tells you they love you. Rachel: That's what I said! Thank you for being so nice. Ross: No thank you for… Thank you. Ross: Okay, let's go! Chandler: Atlantic City! Phoebe: Atlantic City, baby! Let's roll some bones! Hey Joey, high-five for rolling bones! Joey: Uh, Pheebs, you're leaking? Monica: Oh my God! You're water broke! The Guys: Ohh! Phoebe: All right. Well, don't worry, I call shotgun! All: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Wait-wait! Chandler: Pheebs! We have to take you to the hospital now! Ross: Pheebs, Pheebs, the babies are coming now. Rachel: High-five, the babies are coming! Phoebe: Wait, wait, remember when my water broke? Ending Credits Monica: I can't believe Phoebe's gonna have her babies! Chandler: I know, it's beautiful. Amazing. Chandler: Y'know what else I can't believe? I had to kiss Phoebe and Rachel every time I left a room, I mean it's too bad they didn't see us having sex. Monica: Do you know anything about women? Chandler: No. Monica: That's all right. Chandler: Okay. End Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Phoebe: Hi. Nurse: Hi. Phoebe: Hi, yeah, hi! I'm umm, Phoebe Buffay, and I have babies coming out of me. Nurse: Okay. Have you started having contractions? Phoebe: Not yet. Umm, I heard they really hurt, do they hurt? Nurse: Well… Phoebe: Oh my God! Ross: It's all right. Nurse: Now, which of you is the father? Phoebe: Oh no, none of them are the father. The father is my brother. Nurse: Okay… Rachel: I am so gonna miss watching you freak people out like that! Joey: Okay, uh Pheebs, quick. Look! This is for the babies to look at someday, so is-is there anything you want to say? Y'know before it all starts? Phoebe: Oh, okay, umm, hi kids! Um, it's me, Aunt Phoebe. I can't wait to see you. Please don't hurt me! Ross: Hey, what took you guys so long? Your cab left when ours did! Monica: Well, we-we had to go back because I forget my jacket. Chandler: That's right. Rachel: You-you're not wearing a jacket. Monica: Oh man! I did it again! Phoebe: -Joey, what are you doing?! Joey: I gotta get the before shot! Opening Credits Rachel: Hi, Pheebs? Okay, so just spoke to the nurse and the reason that your doctor is late is because uh, she's not coming. Phoebe: What?! Ross: Apparently she fell in the shower and hit her head. Phoebe: Oh my God, she's so stupid! Ross: Look, Pheebs-Pheebs, it's gonna be okay. Phoebe: That's easy for you to say, I don't see three kids coming out your vagina! Rachel: Honey, listen, y'know what? The nurse said the doctor is wonderful. Ross: Yeah, he's head of the department. Phoebe: All right—Ooh! Oh dead God, save me! Monica: What? Phoebe: I'm having my first contraction! Chandler: Oh no. Phoebe: Ooh, it's not bad. Chandler: Okay. Joey: Oh! Chandler: Hey! You okay? Joey: Ooh, something hurts! Phoebe: Ooh, it's sympathy pains. Ohh, that's so sweet! Joey: Are they? I didn't know I cared that much. Ross: Hello. Dr. Harad: Hi! Phoebe, I'm Dr. Harad, I'm going to be delivering your babies. I want you to know, you're gonna be in good hands. I've been doing this for a long time. I'll be back in a minute to do your internal, in the meantime, just relax because everything here looks great. And also, I love Fonzie. Chandler: Did he just say, he loves Fonzie? Monica: That's what it sounded like. Chandler: All right… Frank: Hey! All: Hey! Frank: Hey! Am I late? Am I late? Nobody came out yet, right? Phoebe: No-no-no! We haven't started yet. Where's Alice? Frank: Uh, Delaware. She's on her way though, so until she gets here, I'm gonna be your coach. But don't worry, she told me all about the la-Mazada stuff. Chandler: Yeah, that's when if you get the babies out by the end of the month, they give you 2% financing. Frank: Yeah. Rachel: Monica? You gonna be very proud of me. I just got us dates with two unbelievably cute nurses. Joey: Oh my! Rachel: They're male nurses. Joey: Not in my head. Rachel: Anyway, they want to take us out Saturday night! What do you say? Monica: Umm. Umm. Umm. I don't think so. Rachel: What? What are you talking about?! You-you're the one who's been telling me to get over Ross and move on. I'm moving on, and you're moving on with me. Come on, give me one good reason why you don't wanna go. Monica: Umm, why don't you give me something that would be a good reason and-and then I'll tell you if it's true. Rachel: What? Monica: Harder than it sounds. Isn't it? Rachel: Okay, you're coming with me, and I also told them that if we're still here when they get off that we'll go down to the cafeteria and have some Jell-O with them. Joey: Yep! There's always room for Jell-O… Rachel: Joey, how do you make that dirty? Joey: Oh, it's easy. Yeah, I-I can do it with anything. Watch uh, Grandma's chicken salad… Joey: Phoebe: Oh, okay, I'm having another one! This one doesn't hurt either—Ooh, yes it does! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Oh, I was kinda hoping that was it. Ross: Hey, where are Monica and Rachel anyway? Joey: Oh, a couple of nurses asked them out. Maybe they're with them. Chandler: Really? Male nurses? Joey: Yeah, I was bummed too. Chandler: So they're going on dates? When? Joey: I think Saturday—. Frank: What's with him? Phoebe: Umm, sympathy pains. I thought it was really sweet at first, but now I think he's just trying to steal my thunder. Dr. Harad: Okay! Phoebe: Hey. Dr. Harad: Let's see what we got here. Ohh, y'know, Fonzie dated triplets. Chandler: This-this Fonzie person you keep referring too, is that uh, is that another doctor? Dr. Harad: Oh no-no-no. Fonzie is the nickname of Arthur Fonzerelli. The Fonz. Chandler: All right. Frank: It's not that weird, is it? Phoebe: It's very weird! I don't want some guy down there telling me, I'm y'know, dilatedamundo! Ross: To be fair, he doesn’t seem to be impersonating Fonzie… Phoebe: What are you doing?!! Why are you defending him?! Just get me another doctor! One who is not crazy and who is not Fonzie! Ross: Again, it's not that he… Chandler: Oh-hey-hey-hey! There you are! Monica: Umm, listen there's something I think you should know. Chandler: Oh, is this about you-you dating the nurse? Yeah, Joey already told me, and I am so-so fine. I mean, you and I we're just, y'know, we're nothing, we're goofin' around. Monica: Umm, actually I was about to tell you that I was, I was going to get out of it, but hey, if we're just goofing around then uh, maybe I will go out with him. Chandler: Fine! Maybe I will too! Joey: Ross: Okay, Phoebe, this Dr. Oberman. He has no strong feelings about Fonzie or any of the Happy Days gang. Phoebe: Hi! And you're going into what grade? Dr. Oberman: Umm, I'm actually a first year resident, but I get that a lot, you see, I-I graduated early… Phoebe: Uh-huh, me too. Ross, maybe I should've specified that I'd be needing a grown up doctor. Dr. Oberman: Oh no, I'm fully qualified to… Phoebe: Shh! Doogie, shh! Doesn't anybody understand that I'm gonna be having babies soon? Huh? Go! Go little boy, go! Frank: Oh cool! You made him cry! Joey's Doctor: Mr. Tribbiani, I'm afraid you've got kidney stones. Joey: Umm, well, what else could it be? Joey's Doctor: It's kidney stones. Joey: Or? Joey's Doctor: Kidney stones! Dr. Harad: All right, you're getting there. Oh, and y'know, these babies are very, very lucky. Phoebe: They are. Why? Dr. Harad: They have the honor of being born on The Fonz's half-birthday. Phoebe: Happy birthday! Dr. Harad: Just-just to clarify, I'm not Fonzie. Rachel: Honey, y'know I just gotta tell you, I think this is such a terrific thing you're having these babies for Frank and Alice. Phoebe: I know, it is. Rachel: Yeah! Phoebe: Can I tell you a little secret? Rachel: Yeah! Phoebe: I want to keep one. Rachel: Ohh, I'm gonna be on the news! Commercial Break Rachel: Okay, Phoebe, honey, you gotta be kidding. I mean, you know you cannot keep one of these babies! Phoebe: Why not?! Maybe I can, you don't know! Rachel: Yes! Yes! Yes, I do! I do know! Frank and Alice are gonna want to keep all of their children! Phoebe: Maybe not! Y'know? Seriously, three babies are a handful maybe they're y'know, looking for a chance to unload one of them. Listen, I-I hate to miss an opportunity just because I didn't ask! Y'know? Rachel: Phoebe, no! This is, this is insane. Phoebe: Oh, just ask him! Rachel: Me?! Phoebe: I can't ask him! Do you have any idea how inappropriate that would be?! All I'm saying is just talk to Frank. Okay? Just, y'know, feel him out! Rachel: No! Forget it! I am not gonna ask Frank to give you one of his kids!! Phoebe: You're right. Phoebe: Tell him it's for you. Monica: Feeling a little better sweetie? Joey: Well, maybe a little. I wish you hadn't seen me throw up. Monica: Me too. Ross: Hey! I just heard. What's up? Joey's Doctor: Kidney stones! Now, ordinarily Mr. Tribbiani, we try to break up the stones up with shock waves, but they're to close to the bladder now. Which means we can either wait for you to pass them or else go up the urethra… Joey: Are you crazy?! Phoebe: So did you ask him? Rachel: No, I haven't had a chance to be alone with him yet. Phoebe: Well, I'm kinda on a clock here. Dr. Harad: Oh Fonzie. Rachel: Y'know who I always liked? Mork. Phoebe: Undo it. Undo it. Undo it. Dr. Harad: Fonzie met Mork. Mork froze Fonzie. Rachel: Yeah, but umm… Yes, but, Fonzie was already cool, so he wasn't hurt, right? Dr. Harad: Yeah, that's right. Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hi! Monica: How are you doing? Phoebe: Okay, doctor says any minute now. Frank: Hey, y'know, Alice is gonna be here so soon, you couldn't just like do me a favor and like, like hold them in? Phoebe: Sorry Frank, I'm kinda in the middle of the last favor you asked me to do. Male Nurse: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Male Nurse: Rachel. Rachel: Monica, this is Dan Uh Dan, Monica. Dan: Nice to meet you. Monica: Hello Dan! I'm really looking forward to Saturday night! Really, really! Chandler: So Dan, nurse not a doctor huh? Kinda girlie isn't it? Monica: Chandler! Dan: Nah that's okay. I'm just doing this to put myself through medical school. Chandler: Oh. Dan: And it didn't feel so girlie during the Gulf War. Chandler: Sure. Monica: So, why wait 'til Saturday, are you free tomorrow? Dan: Sure! I'll get somebody to cover my shift. Monica: Oh, great! Chandler: Hey, how 'bout it? You, me, Saturday night? Delivery Room Nurse: No. Chandler: All right. Very good. Phoebe: Oo, this is a big one. Eww! Arghhhh!! Joey: Ohh, get these things out of me! Ross: Breathe! Breathe! Breathe throw the pain. Joey: I want the drugs Ross, I want the drugs! Ross: I do too! I do too! Joey: Argh! Ross: Argh! Joey: Argh! Ross: Argh! Frank: Yeah, I love you. Okay, bye! Hi! Rachel: Hi! Frank: That was Alice's mom, she said she left five hours ago. She should be here by now! Rachel: Oh, honey, don’t worry. She's gonna make it on time. Frank: Yeah. Rachel: Yeah. So Frank, three babies. Whew, that just seems like a lot, huh? Frank: Not to me. Rachel: Yeah, fair enough. Dr. Harad: Okay, you're at ten centimeters. Time to start having some babies. All right, I want only the father in here please. Monica: Bye Dan! Dan: Uh, bye Monica. Chandler: Bye, momi-moo. Dr. Harad: All right, I need a clamp, sterile towel, and channel 31. Phoebe: What is that? Phoebe: Oh my God! Dr. Harad: Oh, no-no-no, it's a good one! Fonzie plays the bongos. All right, are you ready? It's time to start pushing. Joey's Doctor: Are you ready? It's time to try peeing. Dr. Harad: Okay, now push! That's it push! Just concentrate on pushing! Yeah, here we go! Dan: I see the head. Frank: Yes, it has a head! Dr. Harad: All right. Keep pushing! Come on! Frank: I can't believe there's somebody coming out of you right now. There's somebody coming out of you! Is it? Is it? It's my son. Dr. Harad: All right. Here's your first baby. Frank: YESSSSS!!!!! We got a baby boy!! Chandler: Yes! Frank: Frank Jr. Jr.!! Rachel: Oh, how does he look? How does he look? Frank: So gross! Dr. Harad: Okay. You ready to push again? Phoebe: I already had a baby. Leave me alone. Frank: Okay, okay, come on, you can do it. You can do it! Frank: Yeah!! Little Leslie is here! We got another one! Oh my God, I can't believe I have two-two children. How scary is that? Frank: Come on little Chandler, it's time to be born. Come on little Chandler! Come on! Dr. Harad: All right, he's coming. He's coming! Frank: Hey, where's his thing? Frank: Chandler's a girl! Chandler: Oh God, kindergarten flashback. Frank: They musta read the sonogram wrong. 'Cause they, 'cause they thought it was a boy, but Chandler's a girl! Chandler's a girl! Chandler: Okay, keep saying it! Alice: Am I too late?! Frank: No-no ah, everything's okay. Everybody's healthy there's 30 fingers and 30 toes. Alice: We have our babies? Frank: Yeah. Alice: Oh, we have our babies. Joey: Oh my God. Ross: You did it, man. Joey's Doctor: Would you like to see them? Joey: They're so small! Dan: So, I'll call you tomorrow. Monica: Great! Chandler: So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man? Monica: Well uh, you and I are just goofing around, I thought, why not goof around with him. Chandler: Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary… Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, y'know, get you my original dictionary. I am so bad at this. Monica: I think you're better than you think you are. Chandler: Really? Okay, so… Monica: Know when to stop. Chandler: Y'know, I sensed that I should stop. So we're okay? Monica: Yeah. All right, I'm gonna go tell Dan that it's not gonna happen. Don't do the dance. Chandler: Right! Monica: I think you're my favorite. Phoebe: Which one do you have? Monica: I don't care. Rachel: Hey, hi! So uh, Frank and Alice wanted me to tell you that they're still outside making phone calls. Phoebe: But umm, I mean, did you talk to them about, y'know… Rachel: Yeah, umm, no honey. Phoebe: Oh. It was a long shot. Hey, you guys can I just like have a second alone with the babies. All: Yeah, sure yeah. Yeah. Phoebe: So, here you are. It seems like yesterday I was talking to you in that little petri dish. Everyone said labor was the hardest thing I'd ever have to do, but they were wrong this is. Oh, I had the most fun with you guys! I wish I could take you home and see you everyday. Okay, I'll settle for being your favorite Aunt. I know Alice's sister has a pool, but you lived in me. Okay, so we're cool. Yeah, we're gonna be great. Little high fives! Ending Credits Monica: Phoebe, we are so proud of you! You're amazing! Phoebe: I know. Rachel: So does it really hurt as bad as they say? Phoebe: Yeah. You won't be able to take it. Chandler: So uh, now that little Chandler turned out to be a girl, what are they gonna name her? Phoebe: They're gonna call her Chandler. Chandler: That's kind of a masculine name, don't you think? Phoebe: Works on you. End Written by: Michael Curtis Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Monica: Come in. I've been waiting for you. Rachel: Hi! I just wanna- Oh my God! Monica: Okay, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I-I-I was um, I was taking a nap. Rachel: Since when do take naps in that position. Oh God Monica, tell me you were waiting for a guy! Please tell me you were waiting for a guy! Monica: Yes. Yes, I was. A guy. From work. I'm seeing a guy from work! Ha! Rachel: That cute waiter guy from your restaurant, the one that looks like a non-threatening Ray Liotta? Monica: Uh-huh, that one! Rachel: Y'know what, just give me a second and I'll be out of your hair. I'm just gonna grab a jacket. When I get back, I want every little detail. Monica: It's just Joey and Ross. Rachel: Why aren't you guys at the movie? Joey: Well, we were! But Ross was talking so loud on his phone they threw us out! Ross: I had to talk loud because the movie was loud! Joey: He's talking to London! Monica: But why?! Did he get in touch with Emily? Joey: Well no, not yet. He's calling everyone on her side of the family hoping that someone will help him get in touch with her. Ross: I-I-I don't care if I said some other girl's name you prissy, old twit! Joey: Ross! Way to suck up to the family. Chandler: -enh-enh. I'm so glad you guys are all here! My office finally got wrinkle free fax paper! Opening Credits Joey: Hey! Chandler: Oh no-no-no-no-no-no, vomit tux! No-no, vomit tux! Joey: Don't worry, I had it dry-cleaned. Monica: Vomit tux? Who vomited on—y'know what, what you up to Joe? Joey: Well, I'm doing this telethon thing on TV and my agent got me a job as co-host! Monica: Oh that's great! Joey: A little uh, good deed for PBS and a little TV exposure, now that's the kind of math Joey likes to do! Phoebe: Ugh, PBS! Monica: What's wrong with PBS? Phoebe: Ugh, what's right with them? Joey: Why don’t you like PBS, Pheebs? Phoebe: Okay, 'cause right after my mom killed herself, I was just in this really bad place, y'know personally. So, I just thought that it'd make me feel better if I wrote to Sesame Street, 'cause they were so nice when I was a little kid! No one ever wrote back. Chandler: Well y'know a lot of those Muppets don't have thumbs. Phoebe: All I got was a lousy key chain! And by that time I was living in a box. I didn't have keys! Joey: I'm sorry Pheebs, I just, y'know, I just wanted to do a good deed. Like-like you did with the babies. Phoebe: This isn't a good deed, you just wanted to get on TV! This is totally selfish. Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What about you, having those babies for your brother? Talk about selfish! Phoebe: What-what are you talking about?! Joey: Well, yeah, it was a really nice thing and all, but it made you feel really good right? Phoebe: Yeah. So? Joey: It made you feel good, so that makes it selfish. Look, there's no unselfish good deeds, sorry. Phoebe: Yes there are! There are totally good deeds that are selfless. Joey: Well, may I ask for one example? Phoebe: Yeah, it's… Y'know there's—no you may not! Joey: That's because all people are selfish. Phoebe: Are you calling me selfish?! Joey: Are you calling you people? Yeah, well sorry to burst that bubble, Pheebs, but selfless good deeds don't exist. Okay? And you the deal on Santa Clause right? Phoebe: I'm gonna find a selfless good dead. I'm gonna beat you, you evil genius. Ross: Hello. Emily: Hello, Ross? Ross: Emily? Emily! Oh my God! Oh my God, it's Emily! Hi! Emily: Ross, I'm only ringing to say stop harassing my relatives. Good-bye! Ross: No wait! Look, wait! Okay, you can hang up, but I'm gonna keep calling! I'm gonna, I'm gonna call everyone in England if that's what it takes to get you to talk to me! Emily: Really? About what? Ross: Look you're my wife. We're-we're married. Y'know? I-I love you. I-I really miss you. Emily: I miss you to. Well, at least I think I do. Ross: She's talking. All: Phoebe: Hey, Joey, when you said the deal with Santa Clause, you meant? Joey: That he doesn't exist. Phoebe: Right. Rachel: So Chandler, have you heard about Monica's secret boyfriend? Chandler: Uhh, yeah. She uh, she uh, she uh might've mentioned him. Rachel: So Mon, when are we gonna meet this new secret waiter man? Monica: Ohh, he's really shy. I-I don’t think he's up to meeting everyone yet. Chandler: Yeah, I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet. Rachel: I don’t care! I wanna meet this guy who's the best sex she ever had! Chandler: Really?! That's what you heard? You said that? Monica: I might've said that. Why is that funny? Chandler: Because I'm very happy for him! And you, you lucky dog! Ross: Hi! Monica: Hey! Ross: Well, Emily's willing to work on the relationship. Chandler: Yes! Monica: That's great! Ross: In London! Monica: What?! Ross: She wants me to move to London. Monica: But you live here! You know that. Rachel: What-what-what are you gonna do? Ross: I bet if I talk to Carol and Susan I can convince them to move to London with Ben. Monica: Yeah, I'm sure your ex-wife will be more than happy to move to another country so you can patch things up with your new wife. Ross: It could happen. Joey: How ya doin'? Welcome. Good to see ya! Stage Director: This will be your phone. Joey: That's great. But uh, I'm not really expecting a lot of calls. Stage Director: No you answer it and take pledges. Joey: But I'm the host! Stage Director: No, Gary Collins is the host. You'll be answering the phones. Joey: You don't seem to understand. See, I was Dr. Drake Remoray. Stage Director: Well, here's your phone doctor. Phoebe: I cannot believe I can't find a selfless good deed! Y'know that old guy that lives next to me? Well, I snuck over there and-and raked up all the leaves on his front stoop. But he caught me and force-fed me cider and cookies. Then I felt wonderful. That old jackass! Rachel: Maybe Joey's right. Maybe all good deeds are selfish. Phoebe: I will find a selfless good deed! 'Cause I just gave birth to three children and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey is right! Chandler: Hey, Monica? Can I ask you a cooking question? Monica: Sure! Chandler: If you're cooking on the stove, does that mean that your new secret boyfriend is better in bed than Richard? Rachel: Chandler! Is he? Monica: Well, y'know I-I-I think I'm gonna respect the privacy of my new secret boyfriend. Chandler: Why?! I mean if this guy was me and it was me who had learned that it was me who was the best you'd ever had, I'd be going like this. Ross: All right Emily, as much as I love you, I'm sorry, I can't move to London without Ben. Emily: I understand that would be difficult. Ross: Yeah, would you please consider moving here? I mean you were gonna move here anyway, why can't you just do that? Emily: I don't know, it's just… Ross: Oh-oh-okay, but-but I know, that even though I've been a-a complete idiot up 'til now, I mean, I mean you-you-you have to come here. You have to come here so we can work this out. Emily: All right. Ross: All right, did you just say all right? Emily: I did. Now I'm the idiot. Ross: Oh, Emily that is, that is so great. It's gonna be so great! We're gonna be like-like-like two idiots in love! Emily: Ross, there's one thing that really scares me still. Ross: Yes, tell me. Emily: Well, you have to understand how humiliating it was for me up on that altar in front of my entire family, all my friends. Ross: I know. I am, I am so sorry. Emily: And then after decided to forgive you, seeing you at the airport catching our plane with her. Ross: Again, very sorry. Emily: I mean, I can't-I can't be in the same room as her! It drives me mad just thinking of you being in the same room as her! Ross: Emily, there is nothing between Rachel and me. Okay? I love you. Emily: All right. I'll come to New York and we'll try and make this work. Ross: Oh that is so great! That's… Emily: As long as you don't see Rachel anymore. Commercial Break Ross: So I asked Emily if she would come to New York, and she said yes. Chandler: Yes! Phoebe: Ooh-ohh! Monica: Great! Ross: No-no-no! Only if I promise never to see Rachel again. Phoebe: Why? Monica: What?! You can't—what did you tell her? Ross: I told her I'd have to think about it. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to make this kind of a decision? I'm actually asking you! Chandler: Well, you can't just not see Rachel anymore, she's one of your best friends. Monica: Yeah! But, he can't not exactly see Emily, I mean that's his wife. Phoebe: Yeah. Chandler: That's true! Phoebe: Yeah, but you've known Rachel since High School and you cannot just cut her out of your life. Chandler: That's true! Monica: No, you cannot. Ross: Thanks for the help, problem solved. Monica: Hello. Joey: Hey Mon! Monica: Oh hey Joey! We've been watching all day, when are you gonna be on TV? Joey: See, there was kind of a mix up in my agent's office, but I'm still on TV and that's good exposure. Monica: You're not on TV. Joey: Oh, uh, okay, how, how about now? Chandler: Hey, there he is! There he is! Joey: Hello New York! Emeril: Now maybe you just like wanna but the whole duck in there! Who cares, y'know? Now I got the legs… Chandler: How many times have I told you guys, you never watch the cooking channel! Monica: Hi Chandler. Chandler: Hey! Monica: Uh, listen, I need that broiling pan that Joey borrowed the other day. Chandler: Oh that was yours? Uh, yeah, we used it when the duck was throwing up caterpillars. Monica: William Sonoma, fall catalog, Page 27. Chandler: Expect it in 4-6 weeks. Umm, hey, umm, Joey's gonna be at the telethon for the rest of the day, we have the whole place to ourselves. Monica: Yeah, so? Chandler: Well I just, thought maybe you'd wanna book some time with the best you'd ever had. Monica: Y'know what, champ? I think I'll pass. Chandler: Why? Monica: Why? Chandler: What's your point? Joey: PBS telethon. Phoebe: Hey Joey, I just wanted to let you know that I found a selfless good deed. I just went down to the park and I let a bee sting me. Joey: What?! What good is that gonna do anybody? Phoebe: Well, it helps the bee look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee is happy and I am definitely not. Joey: Now, y'know the bee probably died after he stung ya. Phoebe: Stage Director: Back on in 30 seconds people! Joey: Hey, excuse me, would you mind switching with me? PBS Volunteer: Hey, no way, I'm in the shot man. Joey: Come on man! You've been here all day! PBS Volunteer: Yeah, I-I'm taking pledges here, eh? Stage Director: We're on in 3, 2, Gary Collins: Welcome back to our fall telethon. Now if you've been enjoying the performance of Cirque Du Soleil, Ross: Monica: A Magic Eight ball?! You can't be serious, you can't make this decision with a toy! Phoebe: Ooh, it's not a toy. Ross: Well, I don't know what else to do. I mean, I either keep my wife and lose one of my-my-my best friends or I keep my friend and get divorced the second time before I'm 30! So-so if anyone has-has a better suggestion, let's hear it! 'Cause I-I got nothing! All right, don't be shy, any suggestion will do. Ask again later. What the hell! This is broken! It-it is broken! Monica: All right, let me see. Don't count on it. Seems like it works to me. Joey: PBS Telethon. Phoebe: Hi Joey. Joey: Hey Pheebs! Phoebe: I would like to make a pledge. I would like to donate $200. Joey: $200? Are you sure Pheebs? I mean, after what Sesame Street did to ya? Phoebe: Oh, I'm still mad at them but I also now that they bring happiness to lots of kids who's moms didn't kill themselves, so by supporting them, I'm doing a good thing, but I'm not happy about it. So there, a selfless good deed. Joey: And you don't a little good about donating the money? Phoebe: No, it sucks. I was saving up to buy a hamster. Joey: A hamster? What, those things are like 10 bucks. Phoebe: Yeah, not the one I had my eye on. Gary Collins: Mr. Joseph Tribbiani! Phoebe: Oh, look-look, Joey's on TV! Isn't that great? My pledge got Joey on TV! Oh that makes me feel—Oh no! Chandler: Look, maybe I got carried away before. But there's something you gotta know. If I'm the best, it's only because you've made me the best. Monica: Keep talking. Chandler: I mean I was nothing before you. Call the other girls and ask. Which wouldn't take long. But when I'm with you, and we're together, OH…MY…GOD. Monica: Really? Chandler: Oh-aw my God! Now, I understand if you never want to sleep with me again, but that would be wrong. We're too good! We owe it, to sex! Monica: Well, if we owe it? Oh my… When is Joey gonna be home? Chandler: Well, I was kinda hoping we could do this without him. Oh no-no-no, leave the gloves on. Monica: But, I just cleaned the bathroom. Chandler: Yeah, why don't we lose the gloves. Monica: Yeah. Chandler: All right, let's show them how it's done. Monica: Okay. Monica: Ow! Chandler: Y'know that wasn't part of it? Monica: I know! Rachel: Hi! Are you ready? We're gonna be late! Ross: For what? Rachel: For Stella! Remember? She's gettin' her grove back in like 20 minutes. Ross: Yeah, I uh, totally forgot about that. You mind if I take a rain check? I'm waiting for a call from Emily. Rachel: Sure. I guess. Hey, I hear you don't have to go to London. Yay! Ross: It's not that easy, there's still a lot of relationship stuff. Rachel: Like what? Ross: Just stuff. Y'know kinda what Emily wants. Rachel: Well, why don't you talk to me about it, maybe I can help. Ross: No. No. You-you can't help. I mean, I kinda have to do this without your help. Rachel: Well, I-I know you can do that too. I'm just, I'm just saying if you need somebody to talk to… Hi! Ross: Thanks. Rachel: Ross? Look, whatever this relationship stuff that Emily wants, just give it to her. Come on, the bottom line here is that you love her. So just fix whatever she wants fixed. Just do it. Oh come on answer it! It's driving me crazy! Ross: Ending Credits Monica: Never done that before. Chandler: Nope. End Written by: Scott Silveri Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Monica: Hi! Chandler: Joey: Monica? What time is it? Chandler: Uhh, 9. Joey: But it's dark out. Monica: Well that's because you always sleep to noon, silly! This is what 9 looks like. Joey: I guess I'll get washed up then. Watch that sunrise. Monica: I'm really getting tired of sneaking around. Chandler: I know, me too. Hey! Y'know what if we went away for a whole weekend? Y'know we'd have no interruptions and we could be naked the entire time. Monica: All weekend? That's a whole lotta naked. Chandler: Yeah, I can say that I have a conference and you can say you have a chef thing. Monica: Ohh, I've always wanted to go to this culinary fair that they have in Jersey! Chandler: Okay, y'know your not though. Let's go. Monica: Wait! What about Joey? Opening Credits Monica: Hey, guess what I'm doing this weekend! I'm going to this culinary fair in New Jersey. Phoebe: Oh weird, Chandler just told us he's got a conference there! Monica: Oh now that-that-that's funny, it seems like Chandler's conference could've been in Connecticut or Vermont. Chandler: I'm not in charge of where the conference is held. Do you want people to think it's a fake conference? It's a real conference. Ross: Hey. Joey: Hey! Monica: Hey. Ross: Is Rachel here? I gotta talk to her. Monica: No, she's out shopping. Ross: Damn! Chandler: What's going on? Ross: I told Emily to come. And I just need to y'know, talk to Rachel about it. Phoebe: Wait a minute! So when Emily comes you're just, you're not gonna see Rachel anymore? Ross: Well look, I'm just trying to focus on the "I get to see my wife," part, all right? And not the part that makes me do this. Monica: Wow, so you guys are, you're never gonna be in the same room together? How is that even gonna work? Ross: I have no idea. I mean… But-but I assure you I will figure it out. Joey: Doesn’t seem like it's going to work, I mean… Rachel: Hi, guys! Joey: Hi! Chandler: Uh, hey! Rachel: What's going on? Chandler: We're flipping Monica's mattress. Joey: So I'm thinking, basically we pick it up and then we flip it. Phoebe: Yeah that's better than my way. Rachel: Oh okay, hey guys, would you flip mine too? Chandler: Aww, man! Rachel: Oh look! A letter from my mom. Ross: So, Rach, y'know-y'know how Emily's coming right? Rachel: Oh yeah! I know. Phoebe: Can you hear anything? Chandler: Oh yes, somebody just said, "Can you hear anything?" Monica: Hey, Joey's ass! What are you doing? Joey: Well, remember when they got in that big fight and broke up and we were all stuck in her with no food or anything? Well, when Ross said Rachel at the wedding, I figured it was gonna happen again, so I hid this in here. Monica: Ooh, candy bars, crossword puzzles… Phoebe: Ooh, Madlibs, mine! Chandler: Condoms? Joey: You don't know how long we're gonna be in here! We may have to repopulate the Earth. Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that? Ross: Anyway it-it kinda-it all boils down to this, the last time I talked to Emily… Rachel: Oh my God! My dog died! Ross: What?! Rachel: Oh my God, Le Poo, our dog! Ross: Le Poo's still alive?! Rachel: Oh God, it says he was hit by an ice cream truck and dragged for nine- Oh my God. Monica: Sweetie, we heard you crying. Please don't cry. Rachel: It's Le Poo. Phoebe: I know it's le poo right now, but it'll get better. Chandler: I can't believe it! We're here! Monica: Ooh, chocolates on the pillows! I love that! Chandler: Oh, you should live with Joey, Roll-os everywhere. Monica: Come here. Okay, be right back. Chandler: Oh yes! Monica, get in here! There's a high-speed car chase on! Monica: We're switching rooms. Chandler: Oh dear God, they gave us glasses! Monica: No, they gave us glasses with lipstick on them! I mean, if they didn't change the glasses, who knows what else they didn't change. Come on sweetie, I just want this weekend to be perfect, I mean we can change rooms, can't we? Chandler: Okay, but let's do it now though, because Chopper 5 just lost it's feed! Ross: Hey, so uh, y'know how there's something I wanted to talk to you about? Rachel: Oh yeah! Ross: Well, y'know how I'm trying to work things out with Emily. Well, there's this one thing… Okay, -Oh hey! Rachel: What? Ross: You're nose is bleeding! Rachel: Oh God. Oh, okay, so I'm sorry, what-what were you-what did you want to tell me? Ross: Umm… Rachel: Sorry. Sorry. Ross: Okay, I uh, I can't see you anymore. Rachel: Yeah, I know. It's ridiculous! I can't see you either. Hotel Clerk: I think you'll find this room more to your liking. Chandler: Okay, great. Hotel Clerk: They say he's only got half a tank left. Chandler: Half a tank? We still got a lot of high-speed chasing to do! Monica: We're switching rooms again. Chandler: What? Why? Monica: This is a garden view room, and we paid for an ocean view room. Hotel Clerk: Our last ocean view room was unacceptable to you. Monica: Excuse me, umm, can I talk to you over here for just a second? Chandler: Uh-huh. Monica: Chandler! Chandler: Yeah. Monica: Look, these clowns are trying to take us for a ride and I'm not gonna let 'em! And we're not a couple of suckers! Chandler: I hear ya, Mugsy! But look, all these rooms are fine okay? Can you just pick one so I can watch--have a perfect, magical weekend together with you. Monica: Okay, this one I like! Chandler: Nothing! It's over! Dammit! This is regularly scheduled programming! Monica: Can we turn the TV off? Okay? Do we really want to spend the entire weekend like this? Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, am I getting in the way of all the room switching fun? Monica: Hey, don't blame me for wigging tonight! Chandler: Oh, who should I blame? The nice bell man who had to drag out luggage to 10 different rooms? Monica: I don't know, how about the idiot who thought he could drive from Albany to Canada on a half a tank of gas! Chandler: Do not speak ill of the dead. Monica: We're supposed to uh, be spending a romantic weekend together, it-it, what is the matter with you? Chandler: I just want to watch a little television. What is the big deal? Geez, relax mom. Monica: What did you say? Chandler: I said, "Geez, relax Monnnnn." Rachel: Hi! Ross: Hey. Rachel, I-I-I've been wanting to tell you something for a while now and I really, I just have to get it out. Rachel: Okay, what's up? Ross: Okay, y'know how you told me I should do whatever it takes to fix my marriage? Rachel: Yeah, I told you to give Emily whatever she wants. Ross: And while that was good advice, you should know that what-what she wants… Rachel: Yeah? Ross: …is for me not to see you anymore. Rachel: That's crazy! You can't do that! What are you going to tell her? Oh God. Ohh, you already agreed to this, haven't you? Ross: It's awful I know, I mean, I feel terrible but I have to do this if I want my marriage to work. And I do, I have to make this marriage work. I have too. But the good thing is we can still see each other until she gets here. Rachel: Ohh! Lucky me! Oh my God! That is good news, Ross! I think that's the best news I've heard since Le Poo died! Ross: You have no idea what a nightmare this has been. This is so hard. Rachel: Oh yeah, really? Is it Ross? Yeah? Okay, well let me make this a just a little bit easier for you. Ross: What are you doing? Rachel: Storming out! Ross: Rachel, this is your apartment. Rachel: Yeah, well that's how mad I am!! Commercial Break Chandler: Damn Rollos! Joey: Hey, you're back! Chandler: Hey. Joey: How was your conference? Chandler: It was terrible. I fought with Joey: Oh, so your weekend was a total bust? Chandler: Uh, no, I got to see Donald Trump waiting for an elevator. Monica: Hi! Joey: Hey, you're back too! Monica: Yeah. Umm, Chandler can I talk to you outside for a second? Joey: Hey, how was your chef thing? Monica: Oh, it was awful. I guess some people just don't appreciate really good food. Chandler: Well, maybe it was the kind of food that tasted good at first but then made everybody vomit and have diarrhea. Monica: Chandler! Chandler: Monica. Monica: Okay, I'd like to know how much the room was because I'd like to pay my half. Chandler: Okay, fine, $300. Monica: 300 dollars?! Chandler: Yeah, just think of it as $25 per room! Monica: Urghh!! Joey: What are you guys woofing about? Monica: Chandler stole a twenty from my purse! Joey: Nooooo!!! Y'know what? Now that I think about it, I constantly find myself without twenties and you always have lots! Ross: You should've seen the look on her face. I don't want Rachel to hate me! I don't know what to do. Joey: You want my advice? Ross: Yes! Please! Joey: You're not gonna like it. Ross: That's okay. Joey: You got married to fast. Ross: That's not advice! Joey: I told ya. Ross: I'm going to the bathroom. Joey: Man, if anyone asked me to give up any of you, I couldn't do it. Chandler and Phoebe: Yeah, me either. Monica: Maybe I could do it. Rachel: Hi! Joey: Hi, Rach. Chandler: Hi! Phoebe: Hey. Monica: Hey. Rachel: Look, I know you guys heard about the whole thing with me and Ross but y'know, I've been obsessing about it all day and I'd just love not to talk about it. All right? Joey: I-I-I don't know if this falls under this category, but uh, Ross is right back there. Rachel: That's not Ross! Phoebe: Oh no! Not that guy! He does look like him though. Chandler: Okay, Ross is in the bathroom. Rachel: Oh my God, its happening. It's already started. I'm Kip. Joey: Hey, you're not Kip! Rachel: Do you even know who Kip is? Joey: Who cares? You're Rachel! Who's Kip? Chandler: Kip, my old roommate, y'know we all used to hang out together. Joey: Oh, that poor bastard. Rachel: See? Yeah, you told me the story. He and Monica dated when they broke up they couldn't even be in the same room together and you all promised that you would stay his friend and what happened? He got phased out! Monica: You're not gonna be phased out! Rachel: Well, of course I am! It's not gonna happen to Ross! He's your brother. He's your old college roommate. Ugh, it was just a matter of time before someone had to leave the group. I just always assumed Phoebe would be the one to go. Phoebe: Ehh!! Rachel: Honey, come on! You live far away! You're not related. You lift right out. Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey, Mr. Bing. That uh, hotel you stayed at called. Said someone left an eyelash curler in your room. Chandler: Yes that was mine. Joey: 'Cause I figured you'd hooked up with some girl and she'd left it there. Chandler: Yes that would have made more sense. Joey: Y'know, I-I don't even feel like I know you anymore man! All right, look, I'm just gonna ask you this one time. And whatever you say, I'll believe ya. Were you, or were you not on a gay cruise?! Rachel: Phoebe? You gotta come with me! Phoebe: Come where? Rachel: Wherever I go. Come on you and me, we'll-we'll start a new group, we're the best ones. Phoebe: Okay, but try and get Joey too. Ross: Pheebs, you mind if I speak to Rachel alone for a sec? Phoebe: Oh, sure! Forever. Ross: Hi. Rachel: Hi. What are you doing here? Isn't this against the rules? Ross: I talked to Monica, look, I'm the one who made the choice. I'm the one who's making things change, so I should be the one to y'know, step back. Rachel: Oh, Ross… Ross: No, no, it's okay. Really. They're plenty of people who just see their sisters at Thanksgiving and just see their college roommates at reunions and just see Joey at Burger King. So is, is that better? Rachel: No, it's not better. I still don't get to see you. Ross: Well, what-what would you do? Rach, if you were me, what-what would you do? Rachel: Well, for starters I would've said the right name at my wedding! Ross: I can't believe this is happening. Rachel: I know. Ross: I am so sorry. Rachel: I know that too. Joey: Hey, Rach? Sorry to interrupt but umm, Phoebe wanted me to talk to you about a trip or something. Chandler: Hey! Monica: Hi. Chandler: I just came over to drop off…nothing. So that weekend kinda sucked, huh? Monica: Yeah, it did. Chandler: So, I guess this is over. Monica: What? Chandler: Well, y'know, you and me, it had to end sometime. Monica: Why, exactly? Chandler: Because of the weekend, we had a fight. Monica: Chandler that's crazy! If you give up every time you'd have a fight with someone you'd never be with anyone longer than—Ohhh! Chandler: So, this isn't over? Monica: You are so cute! No. No, it was a fight. You deal with it and move on! It's nothing to freak out about. Chandler: Really? Okay. Great! Monica: Ohh, welcome to an adult relationship! Chandler: We're in a relationship? Monica: I'm afraid so. Chandler: Okay. Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Oh hey, Monica, I heard you saw Donald Trump at your convention. Monica: Yeah, I saw him waiting for an elevator. Monica: Hey, Rach, can I borrow your eyelash curler, I think I lost mine. Rachel: Yeah, it's in there. Joey: Oh! Ohh! Oh!! Chandler: Joey, can I talk to you for a second? Joey: Oohh!! Ohh! Oh-oh-oh! Oh-oh!! Joey: Ohhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Chandler: Yes. Yes. Joey: And-and you?! Monica: Yes, but you cannot tell anyone! No one knows! Joey: How?! When?! Chandler: It happened in London. Joey: IN LONDON!!! Chandler: The reason we didn't tell anyone was because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it. Joey: But it is a big deal!! I have to tell someone! Chandler: No-no-no-no-no! You can't! Monica: Please? Please?! We just don't want to deal with telling everyone, okay? Just promise you won't tell. Joey: All right! Man, this is unbelievable! I mean, it's great, but… Monica: I know, it's great! Joey: Aww, I don't want to see that! Phoebe: We're so stupid! Do you know what's going on in there? They're trying to take Joey! Ending Credits Phoebe: The most popular Phoebe in tennis is called the overhand Phoebe. And if you win, you must slap your opponent on the Phoebe and say, "Hi, Phoebe!" Monica: Oh that's cute! We really all enjoyed it. But y'know, it doesn't count. Phoebe: Count for what? Monica: Count in our heads as-as good Madlibs. Joey: I guess I'm done. Chandler: Fun's over! Monica: Wait-wait, guys! If-if we follow the rules, it's still fun and it means something! Rachel: Uh-huh! Joey: I think I'm gonna take-off. Monica: Guys, rules are good! Rules help control the fun! End Written by: Alexa Junge Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Joey: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!! None of that, not while you're living under my roof! Monica: What?! Joey: Look, just because I know about you two, doesn't mean I like looking at it. Chandler: Aren't you supposed to be at an audition for another hour? Joey: Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged black woman! And I'm also sorry if sometimes I go to the wrong audition! Okay, look, if I have to pretend I don't know about you two, then you two are gonna have to pretend there's nothing to know about. Chandler and Monica: Okay. Monica: Sorry. Chandler: Sorry. Joey: I can hear that! Monica: Rachel's at work. Joey: I can still hear you! Opening Credits Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hello! Monica: Hey, what's that? Phoebe: Yeah, my mom sent me a family heirloom that once belonged to my grandmother. Can you believe it?! A year ago I didn't even have a family, and now I have heirlooms for crying out loud. Phoebe: Eeeee- Joey: Argh-argh!! Ooh, soft. Is this mink? Phoebe: Yeah! Why would my mother send me a fur? Doesn't she know me but at all! Plus, I have a perfectly fine coat that no innocent animal suffered to make! Chandler: Yeah, just some 9-year-old Filipino kids who worked their fingers bloody for 12 cents an hour. That didn't happen, I made that up! Ross: Hey! Gunther: Oh, Ross? Ross! You can't put up flyers in here. Ross: How come? Everybody else does. Gunther: You can't. Monica: What is that? Ross: Oh, umm, I'm just getting rid of a couple of things. Monica: This is all of your things. Ross: Yes, yes it is! No, but it's good it's—Emily thinks we should get all new stuff. Stuff that's just ours, together. Y'know brand new. Monica: So basically, this is a getting-rid-of-everything-Rachel-ever-used sale. Ross: Touched. Used. Sat on. Sleep on. Gunther: I'll take it all. Joey: Hey, Ross, you're okay with that? Ross: Look, if I can just do what Emily wants and get her to New York, I'm sure everything will be fine. Chandler: Okay, but don't you think this is a little extreme? Ross: After what I did? Can you blame her? Phoebe: Oh my God! You got off easy! When my friend Silvie's husband said someone else's name in bed, she cursed him and turned his thingy green. Joey: What is he doing? What, Emily, thinks Ross's furniture has got Rachel coodies? Monica: Now calm down Joey. Joey: No! Everything's gettin' all messed up, y'know? Emily won't let Ross see Rachel, we're not gonna stop seeing Rachel, hence Ross stops seeing us! Phoebe: Oh, I hate this. Everything's changing. Chandler: Yeah I know, we're losing Ross, Joey said hence… Monica: Look, I'm not happy about this either, but y'know if-if Ross says he's happy then we're just gonna have to keep our feelings about Emily to ourselves. Are you cool with that? Joey: No! But y'know, I'm an actor, I'll act cool. Rachel: Ohh, whoa God! Storage rooms give me the creeps! Monica, come on please hurry up honey! Please? Monica: Rachel, if you want the little round waffles, you gotta have to wait until I find the little waffle iron. Rachel: I want the little round waffles. Monica: All right. Op, here it is! Right underneath the can of-of bug bomb. I wonder if the best place to put something that cooks food is underneath the can of poison? Rachel: Okay, y'know what? I'll-I'll have toast! Rachel: Arghhhh!!!!!! Monica: Oh my God! Fog him! Fog him! Phoebe: I don't know what I'm gonna do about this coat. Joey: I'll take it! Phoebe: That might work! Joey: Ooh-ooh-ooh, yeah! Enh? All right, what do you think? Chandler: You're on in 5 Ms. Minnelli. Ross: Joey: What's the matter Ross? Ross: Nothing. Oh, actually, great news! I just got off the phone with Emily and it looks like I'm moving to a new apartment. Woo-hoo! Phoebe: Why? Ross: Well, her thought is, and I agree, fresh new furniture, why not a fresh new apartment? Her cousin has this great place to sublet, it's got a view of the river on one side and Columbia on the other. Joey: That's way uptown! That's like three trains away! Which is great! I love to ride that rail! Chandler: So you're really okay with this? Ross: Yes! Yes! I mean it's-it's kinda far from work, but uh, y'know, I'll get so much done on the commute. I-I've been given the gift of time! Chandler: Now that's so funny, because last Christmas I got the gift of space. We should get them together and make a continuum. Joey: Now he's movin'? Man, what is Emily doing to him? Ow!! He's not even here!!! Rachel: You guys! You guys! Monica: We were, we were just in the storage area and we saw this really creepy man! Rachel: It was like this crazy-eyed, hairy beast man! He was like a, like a bigfoot or a yeti or something! Monica: And he came at us with an axe, so Rachel had to use a bug bomb on him! Rachel: Yeah, I-I-I just pulled the tab and I just fogged his yeti ass! Joey: Uhh, like dark hair, bushy beard? Rachel: Yeah! Joey: Yeah, you fogged Danny. Rachel: Please! We did not fog Danny! Who's Danny? Joey: Dan just moved in downstairs. Yeah, he just got back from like this four-month trek in the Andes. Nice fella. Monica: Oh he's nice. He's nice! Y'know, you always stick up for the people we fog! Danny: Yeah? Rachel: Hi! You might not remember us, but we are the girls that fogged you. Monica: We're-we're really sorry we fogged you. Danny: Okay. Rachel: Hi! Just so you know, we-we didn't mean to fog you, we thought you were like a yeti or something. Danny: Okay. Danny: Yesss? Rachel: Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I don't think we can accept your acceptance of our apology, it just doesn't really seem like you mean it. Monica: Yeah. Danny: O-kay! Monica: Wow! That guy is so rude! Rachel: Really! What is with that guy? I mean you'd forgive me if I fogged you. Monica: Well you did a little bit. Rachel: Oh my God, honey, I'm so sorry! Monica: I totally forgive you! Rachel: Really? Monica: Yes! Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: So listen, you know my friend Chris who owns the crematorium? Monica: Crematorium Chris? Sure! Phoebe: He says, that he would cremate my fur coat for free if I umm, y'know, bring in the next person I know who dies. Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God, look at these pelts! Monica: Don't get too attached, she's having it cremated. Rachel: What? Uhh, Phoebe, honey, honey, I know you're quirky and I get a big kick out of it, we all do actually, but if you destroy a coat like this that is like a crime against nature! Not nature, fashion! Phoebe: This is fashion?! 'Cause I do. Ross: Chandler: Okay, what is in here? Rocks? Ross: No-no, this is my collection of fossil samples. Chandler: So, rocks. Ross: I'm really gonna miss this apartment. Y'know, Ben-Ben took his first steps right over there. Joey: Ohh. Hey, remember when I ran into this thing and it kinda knocked me out a little? Ross: I loved this place! To tell you the truth, I wish I didn't have to move. Joey: Uhh, are you saying that you're not entirely happy about this? Ross: Well, I mean if uh, if Emily gave me a choice… Joey: You do have a choice!! Ross, why are you listening to her?! Are you, are you crazy?! Ross: Why? Joey: It's not right what Emily wants you to do! She is totally--Owww!! Stop pinching me! Look, now you guys said I only had to keep my mouth shut as long as Ross was happy, right? Well he just told me that he's not entirely happy. Ross: What's going on? Joey: We all hate Emily! Phoebe: Nooo!! Monica: No, Ross, we do not hate Emily. We-we just, we just think that you're having to sacrifice a whole lot to make her happy. Joey: Yeah! Chandler: Look, we just think that maybe she's being a little unreasonable. Joey: Yes! Yes! Unreasonable! Ross: Unreasonable? How about we have this conversation when one of you guys gets married! You have no idea what it takes to make a marriage work! All right, it's about compromise! Do you always like it? No! Do you do it? Yes! Because it's not all laughing, happy, candy in the sky, drinking coffee at Central Perk all the time! It's real life, okay? It's what grown-ups do! Phoebe: I think he's right. You guys hang out at the coffeehouse way too much. Commercial Break Monica: God, I feel so guilty about Ross. Phoebe: Oh, I know. Joey: I kinda feel like it's my fault. Chandler: Kind of? If you just kept this to yourself none of this would've happened. Joey: Well, I'm keeping so many things to myself these days, something was bound to slip out! Chandler: Well, I think it's very brave what you said. Phoebe: All right, I can't sit here anymore. I have to walk places. Chandler: Pheebs, what are you doing with the coat? How about the whole animal rights thing? Phoebe: Well, I've been reading up and for your information, minks are not very nice. Okay, I admit it! I love this coat! Okay, I—it's the best thing I've ever had wrapped around me, including Phil Huntley! Remember Phil Huntley? He was fine! Rachel: Hi! Danny: So you like the short hair better. Rachel: What? Yeti—I mean Danny? Danny: I had to cut my hair to get rid of the uh, fogger smell. Rachel: Oh. Listen, I'm so sorry. I would, I would've never fogged you if y'know if you hadn't looked so…. Y'know. Danny: Absolutely. Some people are just into appearances. Rachel: What? Danny: That's cool. Cool. Rachel: What? Hey! No-no-no! This not cool! You don't even know me! Danny: Come on, you got the shopping bags and the Sack's catalog. Rachel: So from that you think you've got me all figured out? Well, you don't! Y'know I-I could have toys for underprivileged kids in here! Danny: Do you? Rachel: Well, y'know, if-if kids like to play with Capri pants. Danny: Okay. Rachel: And stop saying that! I hate that! Danny: Okay! Rachel: Fine! I judged you. I made a snap judgement. But you did it too! And you are worse because you are sticking to your stupid snap judgement! You can't even open up your mind for a second to see if you're wrong! What does that say about you? Danny: The pizza-place across the street any good? Rachel: What?! Danny: I'm hungry. Wanna get some pizza? You can keep yelling if there's more. Rachel: Okay. Okay. Danny: Stop saying that. I hate that. Chandler: Uh, Ross? Phoebe: Are you still mad at us? Ross: Yep. Phoebe: Oh good! Because we have an "I'm sorry" song. Ross: Y'know what? I'm really not in the mood. Joey: Look, Ross, I feel really bad. I mean, you're going through all this stuff and I just acted like a jerk. Chandler: Yeah, we are so sorry. Phoebe: Joey: Look, we were way out of line, we totally support you. Monica: Whatever you decide, whatever you do. Phoebe: Okay, now you're just taking lines right out of the song! Ross: Look, this is hard enough! I really need you guys right now. Phoebe: Yes! Exactly! And that's why… Monica: Why don't you come over tonight? And I'll make you favorite dinner. Ross: Okay. Thanks you guys. Pheebs are you wearing fur? Phoebe: Okay, let's get some perspective people; it's not like I'm wearing a seeing-eye dog coat! Joey: Hey, y'know Ross, I think I kinda understand why I kinda lost it today. Ross: You do, huh? Joey: Yeah you see umm, well, I'm an actor. Right? So I gotta keep my emotions right at the surface y'know? See what I'm saying? I gotta lot of balls in the air. Y'know what I mean? It's tough! Guys like me, y'know, you wander around, you're alone… Ross: What are you talking about? Joey: I'm not sure. Rachel: Hi! Monica: Hey, look at you! Where have you been? Rachel: Oh, I went to have pizza. With Danny. Monica: How did that happen? Rachel: That yeti is one smooth talker. Monica: I hope you're not full, 'cause dinner's almost ready. Rachel: Yeah, y'know I-I think I'm just gonna hang out in my room. All: No! Why? Rachel: Come on you guys! Listen, if Emily knew I was here having dinner you with you she would flip out and you know it. It's okay, I really… I don't mind. Ross: Wait! Wait! Wait! Y'know what? Just stay. Please? It uh… It would really mean a lot to me if you stayed. Rachel: Ross, I… Joey: RACHEL PLEASE!!! JUST HAVE DINNER WITH US!!! Rachel: Okay. Okay. Joey, it's okay. Settle down. Joey: All right, I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You see Rach I'm an actor… Ross: Hey! Hey, look! Ugly Naked Guy's back! Rachel: I haven't seen him in so long! Phoebe: Oh God, I really missed that fat bastard! Monica: Wow, this is so weird. I just realized this might be the last time we'll all be hanging out together. Joey: It's almost as if he knew. Monica: I'll get it. Ross: Hey! Hold on. Phoebe: Hi Emily! Chandler: Hi! Emily: Hello everyone. So who am I saying hello too? Joey: Well uh, I don't know about who's here, but I can tell you for damn sure who's not here and that's Rachel!! Emily: Well, I should hope not. Ross knows better than that by now. Ross: Y'know what? Uh, Rachel is here! Emily: She's there?! Chandler: Oh yeah, there-there she is! Ross: Yeah, yeah, she's here. Emily: Ross, take me off speakerphone. Ross: Hi. Emily: How can you do this too me?! I thought I'd made my feelings about Rachel perfectly clear! Ross: Look Emily, I'm just having dinner with my friends, okay? Emily: You obviously can't keep away from her. Ross: Emily that's ridiculous. Look, I'm-I'm moving for you, I'm cutting friends out of my life for you. Please, just get on the plane and come to New York. Okay, you'll see you're the only person I want to be with. Emily: I'll feel better when I'm there, and I can know where you are all the time. Ross: Well, you can't know where I am all the time. Look, this marriage is never gonna work if you don't trust me. Emily: You're right. Ross: So, can you trust me? Emily: No. Joey: I think it's going okay. Looks like he's smiling. Monica: How can you tell? You can only see the back of his head! Joey: You can totally tell! Here look, watch me. Ross: Well, I guess that's it. All: Why, what happened? Joey: What happened? What happened? Ross: My marriage is over. All: What?! Monica: Oh, sweetie. Oh, look at you. You're shivering. Phoebe: Here. Rachel: Ross, honey, is there anything we can do? Ross: Yeah. You can help me get my furniture back from Gunther. Ending Credits Phoebe: Are you happy now? I'm cold! End Written by: Perry Rein & Gigi McCreery Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Chandler: Are you looking at naked tribe's women? Joey: No, look. Chandler: That's a pig. Joey: I know, I know, but look at the knobs on her. Chandler: Hey! Ross: Emily's cousin kicked me out! Chandler: What?! Joey: Why? Ross: Well, when you're subletting an apartment from your wife's cousin and then you get a divorce, sometimes the cousin suddenly wants his apartment back. Chandler: How can he do that? Didn't you sign a lease? Ross: Who needs a lease when it's family! Joey: Hey, you can stay with us! We'll take care of ya! Chandler: Oh, yeah! Absolutely! Anything you need man! But you have to promise me the second you are feeling better so that we can make fun of your hair! Joey: Yeah. Ross: You got it. Joey: Okay. Ross: Thanks you guys, I really appreciate this. All right, I'm gonna get packing again. Man, I've been moving around so much I'm beginning to feel like a nomad. Ross: What? Chandler: He thought you said gonad. Opening Credits Health Inspector: Wow, Monica, if every restaurant is as clean as yours, I'd have a tough time making a living. Monica: Oh, Larry. Phoebe: Umm, do health inspectors work on commission? Larry: No, bribes. Phoebe: It's okay to laugh right? Larry: Yeah, I was just kidding. Phoebe: Okay. Larry: I'll check the kitchen floors. Monica: Okay, knock yourself out, Larry. Phoebe: Yum-my! Monica: Larry? Phoebe: Oh yeah! I'd let him check out my kitchen floors. Larry: A 98. I deducted 2 points because you are not wearing your chef's hat, and that is a Section 5 violation. Monica: Uh, look, Larry honey, umm, I wrote the book on Section 5 and I know that you don't have to wear your hat unless you're in the kitchen. Larry: And where is your hat? Monica: It's in the kitchen, I'll go get it. Larry: Ahh that's the 2 points. Phoebe: Hey, you should really read that book you wrote. Wow! You saw the hat in the kitchen and knew that she'd have to go in there hatless to get it. You can have your own health inspector detective show! Larry: Oh, I don't know about that. Phoebe: Yeah, but then I can be you sidekick Vunda. Larry: Maybe uh, Vunda could give me her number and I can ask her to dinner sometime. Phoebe: Okay, she would love that! Y'know, 'cause you know all the clean places to eat. Larry: I-I'll call ya. Phoebe: Okay. Phoebe: He's so funny! Monica: Thanks. Rachel: Thank you. Mon? Monica: Hmm? Rachel: How's Ross doing? Y'know since all the Emily stuff. Monica: He's not great umm, but he's dealing with it. Oh wait a minute, you're not gonna try… Rachel: Oh, honey, please, no, I can't get started with all that Ross stuff again. I mean, he's gonna screwed up for a looong time. And besides y'know, I don't, I don't go for guys right after they get divorced. Monica: Right, you only go for them 5 minutes before they get married. Danny: Two pounds of Moca Java please. Monica: Danny. Are you guys ever gonna go out again? Rachel: I don't know! He hasn't called me since that one time when we went out. I see him in the hallway, we flirt, I'm all ha-ha-ha-ha, and nothing. Danny: Hey! Rachel: Hi Danny! Wow! Thirsty huh? Danny: Uh, actually, actually, I'm having a party at my place on Saturday, it's sort of a house warming kind of thing. Monica: Ohh, fun! Rachel: Ohh, great! Danny: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it. Rachel: Yeah. Danny: Okay, see ya. Monica: Well, I guess we won't be warming his house. Rachel: Okay. All right, I see what he's doing! He's not asking me out, because he wants me to ask him out. Monica: And you're not gonna do that. Rachel: That's right! 'Cause that would give him the control! So now he's all ooh, coming up with this whole I've got a party thing y'know, trying to get me to hint around for an invitation. Blew up in his face, didn't it? Monica: So-so there is no party. Rachel: No, there's a party. There's a party. But the power, that is still up for grabs. You follow me? Monica: I think so. Se, he-he's not inviting you to his party because he likes you. Rachel: Exactly. Joey: Ross? Ross: Hey roomies! Chandler: Love what you've done with the place. Ross: Oh, yeah I know, I know, it's a lot of boxes, but again I really appreciate you guys letting me stay here. Joey: Not a problem. And listen, hey! Since you're gonna be here for a while, why don't—I was thinking we uh, put your name on the answering machine. Chandler: Oh yeah! Ross: Oh, I uh, hope you don't mind, I kinda uh, jazzed it up a little. Check this out. We will, we will, call you back! Joey: Hey, all right! Ross: Pretty cool, huh? Joey: You're fake laughing too, right? Chandler: Oh, the tears are real. Larry: You look beautiful this evening. Phoebe: Show me the badge again. Phoebe: Shiny. Larry: Oh, will you mind if I wash up? Because I came straight from work and who knows where these babies have been. Phoebe: You are just nonstop! Larry: We're outta here! Phoebe: Why?! Larry: Just walking past the kitchen I saw 10 violations! I'm shutting this place down! Phoebe: You have the power to do that? Larry: This does. Phoebe: Shut it down. Joey: Hey. Chandler: What are you doing? Joey: Nothing. Chandler: You built a fort didn't ya? Joey: Kinda. Chandler: Joey: Dude, you should've gone out once and a while. Chandler: I hate this thing! Joey: Come on, Chandler, Ross is our friend. He needs us right now, so why don't you be a grown up and come and watch some TV in the fort! Rachel: Oh, hi Danny. Danny: Hey guys, I just uh, wanted to invite you to the party tomorrow night. Monica: Oh, thanks! We'll try to stop by. Rachel: Uh, actually, I think I'm gonna be busy. Monica: You are? Rachel: Yeah! Remember I got that uh, gala. Danny: Yeah, what's the gala for? Rachel: It's a uh, regatta gala. Danny: Really! You-you sail? Rachel: No-no, but I support it. Danny: Okay, hope I see you tomorrow night. Monica: Okay. Danny: Take care. Rachel: Okay. Walked right into that one didn't he? Monica: What one? You wanted him to invite you to the party and he did it! Rachel: Yeah, but he waited until the last minute! So if I said yes, he would know I had nothing better to do than wait around for an invitation to his stupid party. I said, "No!" Which puts me right back in the driver seat. Monica: Great. So the ball is in his court? Rachel: Ball? There is no ball. Ross: Joey: Sorry. Joey: Ahhhhhhhhhh… Chandler: Hello children! Joey: Hey! Wanna play some foosball? Please? Chandler: Okay. Joey: No-no, no! We have to move the table into my room, yeah! 'Cause of all the boxes. Come on! Joey: All right, I have one question. What is the deal with this? Chandler: Bye-bye little puppet Joey hand? Joey: No, the quiet down thing! Chandler: You mean this. Joey: Um-hmm! Look, I-I-I don't know how much more of this I can take! Did you know he taped over my Baywatch tape with some show about bugs! My God! What if that had been porn? Chandler: All right look, y'know, this maybe tough but come on, this is Ross! I survived college with him! Joey: All right, I guess I can hold out a little longer. Let's have a game. Chandler: Okay. Chandler: No-no-no-no! Joey: YES!! Ross: Chandler: Okay, so he's out of here. Joey: Um-hmm. Commercial Break Joey: Hey! Monica: Hey! Joey: You guys got anything to eat? I just went down to Johnos for some chicken and it was closed! Phoebe: Oh, I took Larry there to eat but it was all violated. So we shut it down! Joey: Pheebs, if this guy keeps closing down all of our favorite places, where are we gonna eat?! Monica: I don't know, clean places? Joey: Umm, yum! Monica: It's Danny. Rachel: Don't let him in! I'm supposed to be at a regatta gala. Monica: Can't you just say it starts later? Rachel: What? What kind of a regatta gala starts at night?! Monica: The fake kind! Danny: Hey, hi, I need a ladle. You got a ladle? Monica: We have a ladle. Danny: Thanks, see you at the party. Monica: Okay, great! Phoebe: Hey, guys, you know what Larry would say? He would say, "See you ladle." Chandler: Well, I-I-I'm done with this. You want anything Ross? Sports? International? Apartment listings? Ross: I'll take sports. Joey: Mine! Ross: All right. Uhh, international. Joey: Oh that's mine too! I'm Italian! Ross: Well, I guess I can check out those apartment listings, even though there's never anything in here. Chandler: Not even on page 7? Ross: two bedroom, close to work, ooh, it's available in five weeks! Chandler: What about that circled one? Ross: Oh, I-I don't know, it's kind of expensive for a studio. Joey: But it's available now! Isn't it? Chandler: Yes, it is. Joey: Hey, let's go look at it! Ross: Okay, let's go. Joey: Okay! Chandler: There we go! Ross: Oh-oh-ooh, hey guys, I was wondering if you guys would uh, maybe chip in on some new air filters for the air purifier? I mean after all, we all are using it. Chandler: Let's go quicker. Joey: Yeah! Ross: Oh my God! Chandler: Yeah, well look at this kitchen, slash bathroom. Well that's great! Y'know so you can cook while in the tub. Joey: Somebody was using his head. Hey, let's check out the rest of the place. Ross: I think this is it. I don't know, maybe we should keep looking. Joey: But hey, Ross, this place is available now! Chandler: Yeah, you don't want to be stuck with us for the next five weeks. Joey: Yeah. Ross: So, you-you think I should go ahead and take this place? Joey: Oh, it's perfect! Ross: How about you? Chandler: It's a kitchen slash bathroom. Ross: All right, I see what you guys are saying. I'll uh, I'll go downstairs and fill out an application. Chandler: We are bad people. Joey: He knew we were trying to get rid of him. He knew! You think we could get a bathtub in our kitchen? Larry: Hey, ready for dinner? Phoebe: Ooh, absolutely! Larry: Great! How about you wanted to go the Italian place down on Bleaker Street right? Phoebe: Ooh, I love that place! So, no. Larry: How about Mama Lisettie's? Phoebe: Enh. Sure! Larry: has been setting out. Phoebe: Oh, no-no, this place is totally healthy! That—this milk is mine. I bought this today, 'cause I was thirsty for milk, y'know. Okay, let's go! Larry: Hey, buddy! Are you familiar with Section 11-B of the Health Code that requires all refuse material out the back exit? Gunther: But then I'd have to go all the way around the dry cleaner place. Larry: Oh, so you're saying you'd choose convenience over health?! Phoebe: Okay, stop! Larry, okay, can't you just be Larry and not Larry the health inspector guy? Y'know I mean it was really exciting at first but now it's like, okay, so where are we gonna eat ever? Larry: Well, I suppose I could give him a warning. Phoebe: Thank you. Now, if after dinner you still really need to bust someone, I know a hot dog vendor who picks his nose. Joey: Maybe, maybe we did a good thing, helping Ross get back on his feet! Chandler: Yes that was a nice place! Joey: Yeah! Chandler: Not a lot of closet space, but he can just hang his stuff out the window in a bag! Joey: Yeah! Chandler: What are we gonna do? Joey: I don't know. Maybe pizza? Chandler: About Ross! Joey: Oh! Oh! Joey: Hello! Ross is the greatest guy you'll ever meet! Yeah, he's very reliable. Chandler: Hello? Chandler: Ohhhhh! Rachel: Shoot, shoot, this is never gonna work! He's right there! Monica: Just go over and say hi. Rachel: No, I have to go downstairs and come back up as if I'm coming home from the regatta gala. Okay? So just go distract him. But don't be sexy. Monica: Hey, Danny! Danny: Hey! What's going on? Monica: Danny: Salad. Monica: Ooooh! Danny: Bread. Aren't you a chef? Monica: Oh. Danny: Hey! Rachel! Rachel: Hey! Oh right, tonight was your party. Danny: Oh wow, you look great! Glad you could make it. Rachel: Oh well, y'know, the gala had to end sometime. Danny: Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back. Rachel: Yeah, sure. All right, whose court is the ball in now? Monica: I thought there wasn't a ball? Rachel: Oh, come on! He's glad that I came, he doesn't want me to go anywhere, balls flying all over the place! Danny: This is the girl I told you about. Rachel: Oh, go on! You telling people about me? Danny: You two could really hit it off! I'm gonna go mingle. Tom: So you work at Bloomingdale's, huh? My mom calls it Bloomies. Rachel: Yeah, okay, at ease solider! Tom: I'm sorry? Rachel: No, it's all right, you can just drop the act Tommy. I know what's going on here. Your Danny's wingman right? You guys are best buds. Frat bros! Tom: I'm gonna go talk to uh, a friend. Rachel: Yeah, yeah, you go talk to your friend. You tell him, "Nice try." Rachel: Man! He just keeps lobbing them up and I just keep knocking them right out of the park! Monica: I think I need a drink. Rachel: Yeah! Chandler: 98. 99. 100. Okay, go! Joey: Chandler: Here we go! Here we go! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Ross: Hey. So I uh, I didn't get that apartment. Some problem with my application. Joey: You're kidding! Chandler: You're kidding, no! Ross: Yeah. But, the good news is that Phoebe said that I could stay at her place for a while. So… Joey: But you can't stay with Phoebe, Ross! We're-we're roomies! Ross: Look, you guys don't need me here taking up your space. Joey: Well, we got plenty of space! There-there's still some over there by-by that speaker. Please, just stay! Chandler: Yeah! Ross: Are you guys sure about this? Joey: Definitely! Chandler: Yes! Ross, you have to stay! Ross: All right. Joey: All right! Chandler: All right, buddy! Ross: So I'm a pimp huh? It's okay! Look, I know that sometimes I can be a pain in the ass, but you just have to talk to me. Tell me if something is bothering you. Okay? And for my part I will do everything I can to keep my annoying habits just . Ending Credits Chandler: Well, I see you've had a very productive day. Don't you think the cowboy hat is a little much? Ross: Come on, it's fun! Chandler: All right! Isn't this a woman's hat? Joey: Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea! End Written by: Greg Malins Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Rachel: Oh Monica that was the best Thanksgiving dinner ever! I think you killed us. Ross: I couldn't possibly eat another bite. Joey: I need something sweet. Phoebe: Does anyone wanna watch TV? All: Yeah, sure. Phoebe: Monica your remote doesn't work. Monica: Phoebe, you have to lift it and point. Phoebe: Oh. Aw, forget it. Rachel: Yeah, you know what we should all do? We should play that game where everyone says one thing that they're thankful for. Joey: Ooh-ooh, I! I am thankful for this beautiful fall we've been having. Monica: That's very nice. Chandler: That's sweet, Joey. Joey: Yeah, the other day I was at the bus-stop and this lovely fall breeze came in out of nowhere and blew this chick's skirt right up. Oh! Which reminds me, I'm also thankful for thongs. Opening Credits Joey: I mean, it's not so much an underpant as it is a feat of engineering. I mean, it's amazing how much they can do with so little material! And the way they play with your mind! Is it there? Is it not there? Chandler: Are you aware that you're still talking? Monica: Is anyone thankful for anything else besides a thong? Ross: Huh, I don't know what to pick. Am I more thankful for my divorce or my eviction? Hmm. Phoebe: Wow! See, and I didn't think you'd be able to come up with anything. Ross: I'm sorry. It's just that this is the worse Thanksgiving ever. Chandler: No-no-no! I am the king of bad Thanksgivings. You can't just swoop in here with your bad marriage and take that away from me. Rachel: Oh, you're not gonna tell the whole story about how your parents got divorced again are you? Ross: Oh God, no. Joey: Oh, come on! I wanna hear it! It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without Chandler bumming us out! Chandler: It's a tradition, like the parade. If the parade decided it was gay, moved out, and abandoned its entire family. Thanksgiving 1978 Mrs. Bing: Now Chandler dear, just because your father and I are getting a divorce it doesn't mean we don't love you. It just means he would rather sleep with the house-boy than me. The Housekeeper: More turkey Mr. Chandler? Present Day Ross: You're right. Yours is worse. You are the king of bad Thanksgivings. Phoebe: I don't know about that. I've got one that's worse. Chandler: Really? Worse than, "More turkey Mr. Chandler?" Phoebe: Oh, did the little rich boy have a problem with the butler? Yes, mine's worse! Thanksgiving 1862 Past Life Phoebe: More bandages! More bandages! Please, can I get some more bandages in here! This man is dying— Oh no. Present Day Ross: In this life, Phoebe. Phoebe: Oh, this life! Oh okay no, Chandler's is worse. Joey: Man, it must be so cool remembering stuff like that! I don't have any past life memories. Phoebe: Of course you don't sweetie. You're brand new. Rachel: I know Monica's worst Thanksgiving. Monica: Oh, let's not tell this story. All: Oh, come on! Phoebe: Oh no, I know! I know! It's the one where Joey got Monica's turkey stuck on his head! Rachel: What?! Joey got a turkey stuck on his head?! Joey: Hey, it's not like it sounds. Chandler: It's exactly like it sounds. Thanksgiving 1992 Joey: Hello? Phoebe: Hello? Joey: Phoebe? Phoebe: Joey? What's going on? Joey: Look. Phoebe: Oh my God! Joey: I know! It's stuck!!! Phoebe: Easy. Step. How did it get on? Joey: I put it on to scare Chandler! Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica's gonna totally freak out! Joey: Well then help me get it off! Plus, it smells really bad in here. Phoebe: Well, of course it smells really bad. You have your head up a dead animal. Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey, did you get the turkey basted—Oh my God! Oh my God! Who is that? Joey: It's Joey. Monica: What-what are you doing? Is this supposed to be funny? Phoebe: No, it's not supposed to be funny, it's supposed to be scary. Monica: Well, get it off now! Joey: I can't! It-it's stuck! Monica: Well, I don't care! That-that turkey has to feed 20 people at my parent's house and they're not gonna eat it off your head! Phoebe: All right, hold on! Okay, let's just all think. Monica: Okay, I got it. Phoebe? All right, you pull. I'm gonna spread the legs as wide as I can. Joey? Now is not the time! Joey: Sorry! Sorry. Monica: Okay, count to three. 1. 2. 3! Chandler: Arghhhhhh!! Joey: It worked! I scared ya, I knew it! Ha-ha! Chandler: I'm over here big guy. Joey: I scared you! Present Day Chandler: You did look like an idiot. Joey: Hey, I wasn't the only one who looked like an idiot. All right? Remember when Ross tried to say, "Butternut squash?" And it came out, "Squatternut buash?" Ross: Yeah that's the same. Monica: That's it. That's my worse Thanksgiving. Phoebe: Oh wait! That can't be the one Rachel's talking about. She didn't even know that happened. So which one was it? All: Which one? Monica: Umm, I-I really don't want to tell this story. Chandler: Oh, come on Monica, reliving past pain and getting depressed is what Thanksgiving is all about. Y'know, for me anyway. And of course, the Indians. Monica: Look umm, of all people, you do not want me to tell this story! Thanksgiving 1987 Mrs. Geller: Monica! I think Rachel's here! Monica: I'll get it! Happy Thanksgiving! Big Nosed Rachel: Not for me. Chip and I broke up! Fat Monica: Oh, why? Why? What happened? Big Nosed Rachel: Well, you know that my parents are out of town and Chip was going to come over… Fat Monica: Yeah, yeah, and you were going him y'know, your flower. Big Nosed Rachel: Okay, Monica, can you just call it sex?! It really creeps me out when you call it that! Okay, and by the way, while we're at it, a guy's thing is not called his tenderness. Believe me! Hi! Mr. Geller: Hi Rachel! Big Nosed Rachel: Happy Thanksgiving! Mrs. Geller: You too sweethart! Ross: Hey! Mr. Geller: Oh my! Ross: Uh, everyone, this is Chandler! My roommate and lead singer of our band! Fat Monica: Ross! Ross: Oh, this is Monica. Fat Monica: Hi, I'm Ross's little sister. Chandler: Okay. Mrs. Geller: I'm so glad you could come Chandler, we've got plenty of food so I hope you're hungry. Ross: Oh, mom. Mom. Chandler hates Thanksgiving and doesn't eat any Thanksgiving food. Mrs. Geller: Oh, well, I'm so glad you brought him here then. Fat Monica: Umm, Chandler, if you want I can make you some macaroni and cheese for dinner. Chandler: Well, as long as the pilgrims didn't eat it, I'm in. Fat Monica: dammit! Ross: So uh, Rach? Does it, does it feel weird around here now? Y'know since I've been away at college. Big Nosed Rachel: Oh! No, not really. Ross: Well, that's cool. So did… Big Nosed Rachel: Ugh! I cannot believe Chip dumped me for that slut Nancy Branson. I am never going out with him again. I don't care how much he begs! Fat Monica: I think his begging days are over now that he's going out with Nancy Branson. Big Nosed Rachel: Y'know what? I've just had it with high school boys! They are just silly. Silly, stupid boys! I'm going to start dating men! Ross: Umm, I'm sorry Judy, I couldn't find that bowl that you and Jack were looking for. Fat Monica: Call them mom and dad you loser! Ross: Monica! Fat Monica: Hey Chandler! Did you like the macaroni and cheese? Chandler: Oh yeah, it was great. You should be a chef. Fat Monica: Okay! Big Nosed Rachel: Guess what?! All that stuff about Nancy Branson being a slut was all a rumor so Chip dumped her and he wants to come over to my house tonight! Fat Monica: Oh that's so great! Big Nosed Rachel: I know! Fat Monica: Oh gosh, listen if you and Chip do it tonight, promise me you'll tell me everything. Big Nosed Rachel: Oh totally, totally. Y'know it's not that big of deal, we already kinda did it once y'know. Fat Monica: I know, but y'know, this time you're gonna definitely know whether or not you did it! Big Nosed Rachel: I know, I know. And oh, and this time Chip promised that-that this time it will last at least for an entire song! Ross: So I’m thinking about asking Rachel out tonight. Y'know maybe play her that song we wrote last week. Chandler: Emotional Knapsack? Ross: Yeah. Chandler: Right on! Oh! Uh, but, don’t take to long okay? 'Cause uh, we're gonna test out our fake ID's tonight, right Clifford Alverez. Ross: Listen, Roland Chang, if things go well, I’m gonna be out with her all night. Chandler: Dude, don't do that too me! Ross: All right, it's cool you can stay here. My parents won't mind. Chandler: No, it's not that, I just don't want to be stuck here all night with your fat sister. Ross: Hey! Mrs. Geller: Monica, why don't you finish off these pies? I don't have any more room left in the fridge. Fat Monica: No. No, thank you! Mr. Geller: Well Judy, you did it! She's finally full! Commercial Break Chandler: I called you fat?! I don't even remember that! Monica: Well, I do. Chandler: I am so sorry. I really am. I was an idiot back then. I rushed the stage at a Wham concert for crying out loud! Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you called her fat. Ross: I can't believe you let George Michael slap you. Chandler: I am really sorry. That is so terrible. I am so, so sorry. Rachel: Actually, y'know that's not the Thanksgiving I was talking about. Monica: Yes, it was! Rachel: No, it wasn't. It was actually the… Monica: Okay, now Thanksgiving's over, let's get ready for Christmas. Who wants to go get a Christmas tree?! Phoebe: Oh, no, I have the cutest Christmas story! Chandler: We wanna hear Monica's Thanksgiving story! Phoebe: Fine, all right, mine had a dwarf that got broke in half, but y'know whatever. Thanksgiving 1988 Mrs. Geller: So Rachel, your mom tells me you changed your major again. Rachel: Oh, yeah, I had too. There was never any parking by the Psychology building. Mr. Geller: Hi Rachel. Rachel: Oh hi! Mr. Geller: Wow, love your new nose! Mrs. Geller: Jack. Mr. Geller: What? Dr. Wilson's an artist! He removed my mole cluster. Wanna see? Mrs. Geller: I'll get it. Rachel: No, God! Please, let me! Rachel: Hey! Ross: Hey. Happy Thanksgiving! Mr. Geller: God, your hair sure is different! Chandler: Yeah, we were just talking about that. I can't believe how stupid we used to look. Ross: So uh, where's Monica? Mrs. Geller: She's upstairs. Monica! Come down! Everyone's here! Ross, Rachel, and the boy who hates Thanksgiving. Monica: Hi, Chandler. Chandler: Oh my God! Monica: What-what's the matter? Is there, is there something on my dress? Chandler: You just, you look so different! Terrific! That dress! That body! Ross: Dude! Chandler: Sorry! Mrs. Geller: Yes, yes Monica is thin. It's wonderful. But what we really want to hear about is Ross's new girlfriend. Ross: Oh mom! Okay, umm, her name is Carol. And she's really pretty. And smart. And uh, she's-she's on the lacrosse team and the golf team. Can you believe it? She plays for both teams! Monica: So Chandler, I guess I'll see you at dinner. Mr. Geller: Dude! Chandler: Sorry. Rachel: Oh-ho, my God! That was so awesome! You totally got him back for calling you fat! He was just drooling all over you. That must've felt so great! Monica: Well it didn't! Rachel: What?! Monica: Yeah, I mean yeah, I look great. Yeah, I feel great and yeah, my heart is not in trouble anymore! Blah, blah, blah! Y'know I still don't feel like I got him back, y'know? I just want to humiliate him. I wanna, I want him to be like naked and then I'm going to point at him and laugh! Rachel: Okay, that we may be able to do. Monica: How? Rachel: Well guys tend to get naked before they're gonna have sex. Monica: What?! I mean, I didn't work this hard and-and-and lose all this weight so that I can give my flower to someone like him! Rachel: Okay, first of all, if you keep calling it that, no one's gonna ever take it. Then, second of all you're not actually gonna have sex with him! You're just gonna make him think that you are. Monica: Yeah. Rachel: Yeah. Monica: And when he's naked I can throw him out in the front yard and lock the door and all the neighbors will just humiliate him! Rachel: Then, you will definitely get him back! Monica: Okay, so how do I make him think I wanna have sex with him? Rachel: Okay, oh, here's what you do. Just act like everything around you turns you on. Monica: What do you mean? Rachel: Well, like anything can be sexy. Like umm, oh-oh, like this dishtowel! Ooh, ooh, this feels sooo good against my cheek! And-and if I feel a little hot, I can just dab myself with it. Or I can bring it down to my side and bring it through my fingers while I talk to him. Monica: I can do that! Rachel: Yeah? Okay! Good, good, because he's coming. He's coming. Chandler: Monica, I was wondering if you can make me some of that righteous mac and cheese like last year. Monica: Umm, I'd love too! Ooh, I love macaroni and cheese. I love-I love the way this box feels against my cheek. Chandler: Okay. Monica: Boy, I love carrots! Oh! Chandler: Are you all right? Monica: Oh yeah, of course. I'm fine it's just that— The Doctor: What do we got here? The Paramedic: Twenty year old has got a severed toe on his right foot. Ross: Can you please not do that feet first? You know where his injury is! Severed toe, you just said it! The Doctor: It says here that the knife went right through your shoe. Mr. Geller: Of course it did. They're made of wicker. The Doctor: Did you bring the toe? Monica: Oh yes! I have it right here, on ice! The Doctor: Monica: What?! What is it? The Doctor: You brought a carrot. Chandler: What? The Doctor: This isn't your toe, this is a small, very cold piece of carrot. Rachel: You brought a carrot?! Mrs. Geller: Oh my God! There's a toe in my kitchen. Monica: God, I'm sorry! I'll go back and get it! The Doctor: It's too late, all we can do now is sow up the wound. Chandler: Without my toe?! I need my toe! Monica: Wait, no-no-no, I can go really fast! Dad, give me the keys to your Porsche! Mr. Geller: Oh, I'm not falling for that one! Present Day Chandler: That's why I lost my toe?! Because I called you fat?! Monica: I didn't mean to cut it off. It was an accident. Chandler: That's why for an entire year people called me Sir Limps-A-Lot?! Monica: I'm sorry! It wasn't your whole toe! Chandler: Yeah, well, I miss the tip! It's the best part. It has the nail. Monica: Chandler! Ross: Sir Limps-A-Lot, I came up with that. Joey: You're a dork. Chandler: I can't believe this. Monica: Chandler, I said I was sorry. Chandler: Yeah, well, sorry doesn’t bring back the little piggy that cried all the way home! I hate this stupid day! And everything about it! I'll see you later. Monica: Oh wait, Chandler, come here is there anything I can do? Anything? Chandler: Yeah, just leave me alone for a while. Chandler: Oh-oh, I'm a duck! I go, "Quack, quack!" I’m happy all the time! Chandler: Nice try. Monica: Wait, wait, wait! Chandler: Look, Monica… Monica: Look! Chandler: This is not going to work. Monica: I bet this will work! Chandler: You are so great! I love you! Monica: What? Chandler: Nothing! I said, I said "You're so great" and then I just, I just stopped talking! Monica: You said you loved me! I can't believe this! Chandler: No I didn't! Monica: Yes, you did! Chandler: No I didn't! Monica: You love me! Chandler: No I don't! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Ending Credits Thanksgiving 1915 French Phoebe:  Gauze! Gauze! I need to get some gauze in here! Can I please get some gauze in here! This is getting ridiculous uh! End Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Phoebe: What am I sitting on? Chandler: Top of the world? Dock of the bay? I'm out. Phoebe: Ew-eww!! Undies! Rachel: All right! Who's are they? Who's are they? Ross: Well, they're not mine! Chandler: Well, they're Joey's! They gotta be Joey's! Joey: Yeah, they're mine. Chandler: See? They're Joey's! J-J-J-J-J-Joey's! Ross: Why are they here? Joey: I don't know uhh… Well, I'm Joey. Yeah, I'm disgusting, I take my underwear off in other people's homes. Rachel: Well, get 'em out of here! What's wrong with you? Chandler: Yeah! Monica: Yeah! Rachel: Joey, you can touch them! They're your underwear. Joey: Chandler? A word. Joey: That's it! I'm tired of covering for you two! This has got to stop! And tighty-whiteys! What are you, 8? Monica: Thank you Joey, thank you so much! Joey: Oh hey, no, you're not welcome. Okay, look, I hate this! You guys keep embarrassing me! Monica: Wow! And around the ankles, y'know that is a tough spot. Joey: Yeah, it was! All right, listen, I can't… Chandler: All this lying has been hard on us too. Joey: Oh-oh, yeah-yeah, I bet all the sex makes it easier! Chandler: Well, yeah actually. Monica: We'll try to be more careful okay? It's just that, we don't want everyone to know because this is going really well, and maybe the reason it's going really well is because it's a secret. Chandler: I know it sounds really weird, but we're just so bad at relationships. Monica: We are! Help us! Chandler: Help! Joey: All right! But, you do it with me once. Monica: Joey! Joey: Didn't think so. Opening Credits Monica: Hey, Phoebe! Chandler: Hi, Pheebs! Rachel: Hey, Pheebs! Joey: Hey, Pheebs! Rachel: What are you reading? Phoebe: Umm, Wethering Heights. I'm taking a literature class at the New School and I have to finish it for the first session tomorrow. Chandler: I didn't know you were taking a class. That is so cool. Phoebe: Yeah! Well, I really liked that Lamaze class I took! Y'know and this time I thought I'd go for something, y'know a little more intellectual, with a less painful final exam. Rachel: Honey that sounds like fun. Phoebe: Yeah! Ooh, you should come with me! Oh yeah, then I'd have someone to sit with! Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: Yeah! Okay—ooh, but are you going to have time to read it? Rachel: Oh, I read that in high school. Phoebe: This is going to be so much fun! Okay-shhh, I have to finish. Ross: Hi. Joey: What's wrong buddy? Ross: Someone at work ate my sandwich! Chandler: Well, what did the police say? Ross: My Thanksgiving leftover sandwich. I can't believe someone ate it! Chandler: Ross, it's just a sandwich! Ross: Just a sandwich? Look, I am 30 years old, I'm about to be divorced twice and I just got evicted! That sandwich was the only good thing going on in my life! Someone ate the only good thing going on in my life! Monica: Okay, look, I-I have enough stuff for one more sandwich, I mean I was going to eat it myself, but Ross: That-that would be incredible. Thank you so much. I-I still can't believe someone ate it!! I mean, look, I left a note and everything. Chandler: Knock-knock. Who's there? Ross Geller's lunch. Ross Geller's lunch, who? Ross Geller's lunch, please don't take me. Okay? Joey: I'm surprised you didn't go home wearing your lunch. Phoebe: Okay, look you wanna hold onto your food? You gotta scare people off. I learned that living on the street. Ross: Really?! So what would you say Pheebs? Stuff like uh, "Keep your mitts off my grub?" Chandler: Say Ross, when you picture Phoebe living on the street, is she surrounded by the entire cast of Annie? Phoebe: Okay, this will keep them away from your stuff. All: Whoa! Ohh!! Monica: Phoebe, you are a bad ass! Phoebe: Someday I'll, tell you about the time I stabbed the cop. Monica: Phoebe? Phoebe: Well, he stabbed me first!! Rachel: Sorry I'm late, but I left late. Phoebe: Okay. Rachel: So Pheebs, what is the book about? Phoebe: I thought you said you read it in high school. Rachel: Well yeah, but then I remembered I started it and there was this pep rally and I was, I was on top of the pyramid but anyway—umm, what is this book about? Phoebe: Okay, umm, it's this tragic love story between Cathy and Heathcliff and umm, it takes place on like these really creepy mores in England. Which I think represents the wildness of Heathcliff's character. I totally get symbolism. The Teacher: How would you characterize the theme of this book, uh let's see here , Rachel Green? Rachel: Umm, well I would have to say that it's a, it's tragic love story. The Teacher: Well, that's sort of a given, but yes. Anyone else? Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, symbolism! And uh, the-the uh, wildness of the mores, which I think is-is mirrored in the wildness of Heathcliff's character. The Teacher: Excellent! What Rachel has shrewdly observed here… Phoebe: You completely stole my answer! Rachel: Well, honey that was pretty obvious. Phoebe: Well how would you know?! You didn't even read it! The Teacher: What do you think? You in the blue shirt. Phoebe: I think that uh, yours is a question with many answers. The Teacher: Would ya care to venture one? Phoebe: Would you care to venture one? The Teacher: Are you just repeating what I'm saying? Phoebe: Are you just repeating what I'm saying? The Teacher: All right, let's move on. Phoebe: Okay then. Phoebe: Yeah but why didn't you just say that you didn't read the book?! Rachel: Be-because I didn't want him to think I was stupid! I mean, that was really embarrassing what happened to you! Ross: Phoebe! Phoebe: Yeah? Ross: Phoebe! You're note, amazing! Not only did no one touch my sandwich, but people at work are actually afraid of me. Yeah, a guy called me mental! Mental Geller, yeah, I always wanted a cool nickname like that. Monica: Yeah, the best you got in high school was Wet Pants Geller. Ross: That was the water fountain! Okay?! Anyway, people are writing reports for me, uh pushing back deadlines to meet my schedule, I'm telling you, you get tough with people you can get anything you want. Hey Tribbiani, give me that coffee! Now! Cynthia: God, this was really fun! I've been wondering if you were going to ask me out. Joey: So you uh, still wondering? Cynthia: No, we just went out. Joey: You're smart. I like that. Cynthia: Oh, candles! Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, wait-wait-wait!! Cynthia: I can't believe you thought that you were going to video tape us having sex on the first date! Joey: Hiya. Rachel: Joey, is what she just said umm—Oh my God. Chandler: What is going on here? Rachel: And with Chandler in the next room. What are you, what are you sick? Joey: I'm Joey. I mean, I'm disgusting. I make low-budget adult films. Commercial Break Joey: You guys promised you'd be more careful! I mean, come on! The good Joey name is being dragged through the mud here! Monica: We're so sorry. Chandler: Yeah. Joey: Well, I'm telling everyone about you! That's the only way to explain the underwear and the video camera that doesn't make me look like a pig! Chandler: No-no, wait! There's got to be a better explanation. You can tell them you had to make an adult film for your adult film class. Joey: Yeah, I like that. But no-no, how does that explain why Rachel found my underwear at your place? Chandler: Oh—I don't know. Joey: Well, get ready to come out of the non-gay closet! Monica: Okay, just wait, please. I promise we'll come up with something. Just give us a little more time. Joey: All right. Hey, but it better make me look really, really good. Oh, and another thing, the video camera? Nice!! Dr. Leedbetter: Umm, Ross. May I have a word with you? Ross: Yeah, of course, Donald. Dr. Leedbetter: We've been getting reports of some very angry behavior on your part. Ross: What?! Dr. Leedbetter: Threatening letters, refusal to meet deadlines, apparently people now call you mental. Ross: Yeah. Dr. Leedbetter: We want you to speak to a psychiatrist. Ross: Oh no, you-you don't understand. Ugh, this is so silly. Umm, this is all because of a sandwich. Dr. Leedbetter: A sandwich? Ross: Yeah. You see my-my sister makes these amazing turkey sandwiches. Her secret is, she puts a, an extra slice of gravy soaked bread in the middle; I call it the Moist Maker. Anyway, I-I put my sandwich in the fridge over here… Dr. Leedbetter: Oh, you know what? Ross: What? Dr. Leedbetter: I-I'm sorry. I, I-I-I believe I ate that. Ross: You ate my sandwich? Dr. Leedbetter: It was a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone. Ross: Oh-oh really? Did you confuse it with your own turkey sandwich with a Moist Maker? Dr. Leedbetter: No. Ross: Do you perhaps seeing a note on top of it? Dr. Leedbetter: There may have been a-a joke or a limerick of some kind. Ross: That said it was my sandwich?! Dr. Leedbetter: Now-now calm down. Come look in my office, some of it my still be in the trash. Ross: What? Dr. Leedbetter: Well, it was quite large. I-I-I-I-I had to throw most of it away. Ross: You-you-you-you threw my sandwich away! Ross: MY SANDWICH?!!! Ross: MY SANDWICH!!!!!! Rachel: Hi! Phoebe: Hi! Rachel: So umm, what's this book about? Phoebe: You didn't read this one either?! Rachel: Well, I was gonna, but I accidentally read something else. Phoebe: What? Rachel: Vogue! Hey, so tell me about this Jane Eyre woman. Phoebe: No! You should've read it yourself! Rachel: Come on Phoebe! Don’t be such a goodie-goodie! Phoebe: Fine! Okay, all right, so Jane Eyre, first of all, you'd think she's a woman, but she's not. She's a cyborg. Rachel: A cyborg?! Isn't that like a robot?! Phoebe: Yeah, this book was light years ahead of its time. The Teacher: Sorry I'm late. Let's get started. So, what did everybody think about Jane Eyre? Phoebe: Umm, Rachel and I were just discussing it and she had some very interesting insights. The Teacher: Well, go ahead Rachel. Rachel: Uh, thank you Phoebe. Umm, well, what struck me most when reading Jane Eyre was uh, how the book was so ahead of its time. The Teacher: If you're talking about feminism, I think you're right. Rachel: Yeah, well, feminism yes, but also the robots. Chandler: Hey. Monica: Hey. Okay, so umm, since that video camera thing didn't work out uh, I thought that I would give you just a little preview. Chandler: You're naked in this picture! Monica: I know. Chandler: Ross? Ross: Monica! Monica: Ross, are you okay? Ross: I'm fine! I saw a psychiatrist at work today. Monica: Why?! Ross: On account of my rage. Chandler: Which I may say, right now, is out of control. Ross: He gave me a pill for it. Monica: A pill? Ross: Uh-huh. Well, when the psychiatrist told me I had to take a leave of absence because I yelled at my boss I started to get worked up again, so he offered me a tranquilizer. And I thought was a good idea so, I took it. Monica: Wait a minute, they're making you take time off work? Chandler: And you're okay with that? Ross: I don't know. It's going to be weird not having a job for a while, but I, I definitely don't care about my sandwich. Rachel: Ugh, that was so embarrassing! I can't believe you let me go on and on like that! Phoebe: I'm sorry. It was just so funny when you started comparing Jane Eyre to Robocop. Rachel: That was not funny! Phoebe: Well, I snapped! Okay? You weren't taking the class seriously. Rachel: Phoebe, come on! What is the big deal? I thought this was going to be something we could do together! Y'know, I thought it would be fun! Phoebe: Well, yeah! Fun is good, but y'know I also wanted to learn. Y'know, people are always talking about what they learned in high school and I never went to high school. Rachel: Ohh. Oh, so you really wanted to learn. Yeah, y'know, Pheebs I just wanted to have fun. Ohh, you know who you should go with? Monica: I know! I know! I know! The Teacher: Monica, you asked the question. Rachel: Oh my God! That's Monica!! Joey: Oh no-no-no! No-no-no-no-no-no-no! Rachel: You get away from me!! You sick, sick, sick, sick-o!! Ross: What's going on? Rachel: Joey has got a secret peephole! Chandler: Rachel: Yes! He has a naked picture of Monica! He takes naked pictures of us! And then he eats chicken and looks at them! Rachel: Look! Ross: Monica: Give me that! Phoebe: All right, wait! Just wait. Everybody just calm down. Okay? Let's give our friend Joey a chance to explain why he's such a big pervert! Joey: No! I am not a pervert! Okay? It's just… I just… Kinda… Chandler: All right, look! Look. I think I can explain this. Joey: Thank you! Chandler: Joey's a sex addict. Joey: What?!! No I'm not!! Monica: It's okay! It's good! It's good. It's a disease! Joey: No! No! I am not a sex addict! Monica: Yes you are! That's the only way to explain all this stuff! Joey: No it isn't! No, it's not. Because you can also explain it with the truth! Rachel: Well, what is the truth? Ross: Yeah, what's going on? Phoebe: What's going on? Joey: I slept with Monica. Chandler: Well let's….let's see what everybody thinks of that? Monica: Oh no! Ross: You slept with my sister? Joey: Uh yes, but it was, we just did it once uh, in London. Ross: This is not good for my rage. Rachel: Monica, is this true? Joey: Of course it's true! How else would you explain all the weird stuff that's been going on? Monica: Yes it's true. Rachel: Okay, but if it only happened that one time, how come we found your underwear in our apartment the other day? Joey: Ahh—oy! That was the underwear I was wearing that night in London. Right Monica? Monica: I guess I wanted to keep it as a souvenir. Ross: My God Monica!! Chandler: Are you sure Joe? Are you sure you're not just a sex addict? Joey: No! If anyone's a sex addict here, it's Monica! Yeah. Yeah. She has been trying to get me back in the sack ever since London! Phoebe: So that's why she gave you a naked picture of herself. Joey: That makes sense! Rachel: And the video camera? Joey: Uhh, Monica? Monica: I guess I set up the video camera to try and entice Joey. Joey: But sadly I could not be enticed. Ross: Unbelievable! I mean you really kept Joey's underwear?! Why? Why would you do that?! Monica: I'm Monica. I'm disgusting. I stalk guys and keep their underpants. Joey: Well, I think we've all learned something about who's disgusting and who's not. Eh? All right, now, I'm going to get back to my bucket. I'm only eating the skin, so the chicken's up for grabs. Ending Credits Phoebe: I really thought you making a good point. I mean y'know, until you got cut off. A Female Student: Yeah, what's up with that girl Monica? Phoebe: I don't know! I didn't come with her! Monica: All right everybody! Everybody guess what? I just convinced Paul to give us a test next week! All: A test?!! Monica: Come on! Tests make us all better learners! Oh yeah! We should have essay questions!! End Written By: Shana Goldberg-Meehan Transcribed by: Eric Aasen With Help From: Aaron Miller Joey: What are you doing? Ross: I...reorganized the fridge. See, bottom shelf: meats and dairy. Joey: Why are you doing this? Ross: Because I am bored...Out of my mind. I’ve already been to the bank, post office, and the dry cleaners. Joey: Dude, you just described seven days worth of stuff. You’ve got to spread it out a little, you know. Haven’t you ever been unemployed? Ross: Hey, I am not unemployed. I’m on sabbatical! Joey: Hey, don’t get religious on me, ok. Ohh, yeah!! Huh?! Ross: So what, we just sit? Joey: Ohh, no, no. We’re not going to just sit. Chandler: Hello, Chandler Bing. Joey: Hello Mr. Bing...I love you. Chandler: It’s been six months! It’s not funny! Joey: But, I love you. Chandler: Leave me alone! For the love of God, leave me alone!!! Joey: And that’s Wednesday. Ohh. Opening Credits Phoebe: Hey you guys, guess what? Chandler: The British are coming? Phoebe: Ohh, you and your ways. Since it’s Christmastime. I’m going to be one of those people collection donations. All: Ohh. Phoebe: Yeah, I already have my bell and later on...I get my bucket. Chandler: Ohh. Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, I’m going to be out there spreading joy to the people. I mean, last year, I spread a little joy but not really enough. So this year, I’m going to do the whole city. Monica: You know, I knew a girl in high school who did that. She was very popular. Joey: So Pheebs, where are you doing all, your bell ringing? Phoebe: Ohh, they gave me a great spot. Right by Macys. Yeah, they hardly ever give such a good spot to a rookie, but I’m the only one who can sing "Merry Christmas" in 25 languages. I lied. Rachel: Oh my god. Ok you guys, there’s Danny. Watch. Just watch this. See?! Still pretending he’s not interested. Ohh, he’s coming over. Just pretend like we don’t know him. We’ve forgotten who he is. Danny: Hey guys. All: Hey Danny. Monica: Danny? You know Rachel? She’s nice. She’s not bad to look at, right? Rachel: Thanks, Mon. Danny: Well, of course. Monica: Do you want to go out on a date with her? Rachel: Monica!!! Danny: Absolutely! Is Friday okay? Monica: Friday’s perfect...She can’t wait. Danny: Rachel: I have a date with Danny. Joey: How could I not get the part? The play was about a 29-year-old Italian actor from Queens. Estelle: Well, Telia Shire suddenly became available. Joey: She’s a woman! Estelle: What can I say? She nailed it. Joey: Okay, is there anything else? Estelle: Well, you’re just going to say no again but...gay porn. Phoebe: Happy Holidays. Feliz Navidad. Allo, and Merry Christmas. Monica: Phoebe! Phoebe: Hey! Monica: I just wanted to see how it's going. Phoebe: Well, it's going okay. Monica: Well good, here let me help you out. Phoebe: Oh, thanks! Monica: Yeah! Phoebe: Wow! Phoebe: Is that a new Swede jacket? It looks really expensive. Monica: Yeah. I guess. Phoebe: Just get your nails done? Monica: Yes Phoebe, but this is all I have. Okay? Phoebe: Okay! Thanks! Happy Holidays, here's your joy. Phoebe: Thank you! And Happy Holidays. Phoebe: Wait, you can't take the money out. The Man: I'm making change. I need change for the bus. Phoebe: But, can't you leave the dollar? This money is for the poor. The Man: I'm poor! I gotta take the bus! Phoebe: Okay, Seasons Greetings and everything, but still… The Man: Bite me, blondie! Phoebe: Oh, I'm going to give him something else besides joy, just… Joey: That part was perfect for me! I can't believe I didn't get it! Ross: I'm sorry, man. Hey, y'know what you should do? You should make something happen for yourself. Y'know, like-like write a play. Write a movie! Huh? I mean, what about those Good Will Hunting guys? Joey: Come on Ross be realistic, y'know? If I did write something, what are the chances I could get those guys to star in it? Joey: Wait a second, I could star in it! Ross: Or that. Joey: I can't write! Y'know I mean I-I-I'm an actor, I don't have the discipline that takes, y'know? I can't do it. Ross: I'll help you. Yeah, I'll make up a schedule and make sure you stick to it. And plus, it'll give me something to do. Joey: Really? You'd-you'd do that for me?! Ross: Yeah! Joey: Thanks! Ross: All right, we'll start off slow. The only thing you have to do tonight is come up with the name of your main character. Joey: Done! Ross: And it can't be Joey. Joey: It's not. Ross: Or Joseph. Joey: Oh. Monica: Hey, what's up? Rachel: I just saw Danny getting on the subway with a girl and he had his arm around her. Monica: Oh, honey, I'm sorry. Rachel: Well, you should be, this is all your fault! You meddled in our relationship!! Monica: You had no relationship!! Rachel: No, but I was doing my thing and everything was going according to the plan! Monica: Oh God, stop with the plan! So what, so what you saw him with a girl? Who cares?! That doesn't mean anything! Now look, you're going to go out on a date with Danny and you're going to be so charming he's gonna forget all about that stupid subway girl. Rachel: She was kinda stupid. You're right. All right, I'm just gonna go on the date. I'm gonna go on the date. That is the new plan. Monica: Come on, hurry! Joey: Hey, how do you spell suspicious? Chandler: Why? Joey: Because I think this character is going to be suspicious about stuff. Chandler: Yes! Chandler Bing, 7! Chandler Bing, 0. Joey: You're driving me crazy with that! Chandler: Okay, I'll stop. Joey: Don’t stop! Move the bowl further away! Ross could make that shot! Joey: Well, you suck! But at least you suck at a man's game now. Chandler: You wanna play? Joey: Chandler, I can't be playing games, Ross is gonna be home soon. And I have to write five whole pages if I'm gonna stick to his schedule. Chandler: Well, so, play for the next 30 minutes and then write until he gets home. Joey: All right! But uh, listen, what do you say we crank it up a notch? Chandler: I'm intrigued. Joey: All right, all we need is a little lighter fluid. Chandler: Okay, but be careful okay, because I wanna get our security deposit back. Joey: Yeah, I think we said good-bye to that when we invented hammer darts. Chandler: Do you even remember which part of the wall is not spackle? Joey: Uh yeah, right here. Phoebe: Thank you, Happy Holidays. Phoebe: Now, that's trash. Young lady, you can't… Hey! Stop that young lady, she donated trash! Phoebe: Hey!! It's nine o'clock in the morning! Ross: All right. The official rulebook of Fireball. Joey: Yeah, that's the uh, game we were playing. Chandler: Ross: This is helping your career?! Huh? I thought you wanted to be an actor not the creator of crazy lawsuit game! Joey: You're right, you're right, I'll get back to work. Ross: Now come on! Joey: Hey! Ross: No! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! You can have this back when the five pages are done! Danny: I had a really nice time tonight. Rachel: So did I. I'm really glad Monica asked us out. Danny: I'd love to ask you in, but uh, my sister's visiting and I think she's asleep on the couch. Rachel: You're sister? You're sister's asleep on the couch? Ohhh! I saw her with you on the subway and now she's asleep on the couch! Danny's Sister: Oh, I thought I heard you. Danny: Oh hey, great, you're up. Rachel, this is my sister Krista. Krista, this is Rachel. Rachel: Hi! Krista: Nice to meet you. I wish you'd told me we were having company, I'd fix myself up! Danny: Like it would help. Krista: You are so bad! Danny: You are! Krista: You are! Danny: You are! Krista: You are! Danny: You are! Krista: You are! Danny: You are so dead! I'm gonna get you. Rachel: Commercial Break Phoebe: Nobody! Nobody respects the bucket! You wouldn't believe what people put in here! Look! Okay, does this look like a garbage can to you? Monica: No. Phoebe: Does it look like an ashtray? Monica: No. Phoebe: Does it look like a urinal? Monica: Eww!! Ross: So Pheebs, are you gonna go back out there or what? Phoebe: Well, yeah! But I'm not gonna take anymore crap. Okay? No more Mrs. Nice Bucket! Monica: Yeah, good for you. Y'know you're tough, you lived on the streets. Phoebe: Yeah, I'm gonna go back to being Street Phoebe. Yeah! Oh but, y'know what? I can't go totally back because Street Phoebe really wouldn't be friends with you guys. Sorry. Rachel: Hey! Monica: Hey! Rachel: Hey, umm, can I ask you guys something? Monica and Ross: Sure. Rachel: Uh, I don't have any brothers so I don't know, but uh, did you guys wrestle? Ross: Oh-oh, yeah. Monica: All the time. In fact, I was undefeated. Ross: Uh, you weighted 200 pounds. Monica: Still, I was quick as a cat. Rachel: Well, I met Danny's sister yesterday, and uh that was actually the girl on the subway. Monica: Oh, you're kidding. Rachel: Yeah, they were very y'know…wrestley. But, I guess that's normal? Monica: We don't, we don't wrestle now. Ross: Yeah, not since I got too strong for you. Monica: Too strong for me? Ross: Yeah. Monica: You wanna go right now? 'Cause I'll take you right now, buddy! You wanna go? Ross: Oh fine. Monica: Ready? Rachel: Okay, y'know what uh, actually, that's great. That helps a lot. Thanks. Chandler: Guys, come on! Let's go! The puck drops in 20 minutes! Come on, Joe! Ross: Joey's not going. Joey: I didn't finish my five pages. Chandler: Well, why can't you do them tomorrow? Ross: Because tomorrow he's redoing yesterday's pages. Joey: Yesterday's pages did not reflect my best work. Chandler: Why don't you cut him a little slack? Okay? Maybe if he relaxes a little bit, he'll get some work done. Ross: I think he's been relaxing enough, thanks to you and Fireball. Joey: Dude, if you think Fireball's relaxing, you've obviously have never played. Chandler: The only reason you're doing this to Joey is because you're bored. Okay, it's not his fault that you're unemployed. Ross: I am not unemployed. I'm on sabbatical! Joey: Come on look guys, don't fight. Ross: And the reason I'm doing this is because I am Joey's friend. And if you were a good friend, you'd be doing the same thing. Chandler: Oh, so being a good friend means acting like a total jerk? Ross: If it does? Then you're an amazing friend of mine. Joey: Hey-hey guys, hey! How about we settle this over a friendly game of Fireball? Huh? I'll go unhook the smoke detectors! Ross: How about we settle this right now! There! Now, no one's going to the game. Ha-ha-ha! Chandler: I paid for those tickets! Ross: No you didn't. You said you would, but you never did! Chandler: Oh yeah! Danny: …so we finally get to the top of the mountain and airhead here forgets the camera! Joey: Oh, y'know the same thing happened to me one time. Chandler: When did that happen to you?! Joey: Don't you remember when we were jogging in the park and we saw that really pretty bird and wanted to take a picture—I didn't have my camera! Chandler: Oh yeah. First off all, chasing the Churo guy isn't jogging. Krista: Oh, this is so good Danny: Oh, damn! I got it on my pants. Krista: Here, I'll get it. Krista: We'd better take these pants off upstairs or that stain's gonna set. Danny: Yep. I'm gonna wear these on our date tonight. Rachel: Oh, great! Chandler: Okay, bye! Oh my God!! Monica: That was unbelievable! Rachel: Okay, see? I told you! Joey: Yeah, wow, sorry Rach. Chandler: I don't believe they're brother and sister. Joey: They're brother and sister!!! Phoebe: Oh whoa-whoa-whoa! Wait a minute, open up your hand; let me take a look. Phoebe: Whoa-whoa-whoa! No drinks near the bucket! Set it down over there and then you can make a contribution! I thought I told you to get outta here! Bob: Uh, Phoebe we've been getting complaints and uh, we're gonna move you to a less high-profile spot. Phoebe: What?! Bob: Umm, Ginger's gonna take over this corner. Phoebe: That chick can't handle my corner. Bob: Look, either you leave, or we remove you. Phoebe: Fine. Danny: Oh, hey Rach! I thought we said seven? Rachel: Yeah uh, y'know what uh, let's skip it. Danny: What?! Why?! Rachel: Umm, you-you and your sister seem to have umm, a very special bond, and… Danny: Oh great! That special bond again! Why do women have such a problem with the fact that I'm close with my sister? Rachel: Well, okay, look. I don't know, listen, I don't know what's going on here but let's… Danny: Do-do you, do you have brothers? Rachel: No, I have two sisters. But one of them has a very masculine energy. Danny: Are you close with them? Rachel: No-no, they're not very nice people. Danny: Okay, listen, I really like you. Okay? I think this can go somewhere. So what if I'm close to my family, are you gonna let that stand in the way of us? Rachel: Well, uh, I-I don't know. See when-when you put it that way y'know it does sort of… Krista: Danny! Hurry up! The bath is getting cold! Danny: What? Rachel: Yeah, okay, I'll see you later. Chandler: Oh hey! There's some kids playing in the street, you wanna go down there and give them a project, ruin their day? Ross: Hey, if they have a ball maybe you can stick razor blades in it and teach them a new game, Gonna Need Stitches Ball. Joey: Hey guys! I was at the library all morning and I already finished my five pages for today! Ross: Yay! Chandler: Great! Now, we can go to the Ranger game! Last night! Joey: No dude, Ross tore up the tickets! Ross: I guess when you don't have so many distractions, it's easier for you to focus. Huh? Chandler: Yeah or also when you don't have somebody breathing down your neck ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY!! Joey: Yeah, well, that's fine, but the important thing is that I finished it. And uh, I think it's really good, but y'know it'd really help me is if I could hear it. So would you guys read it for me? Chandler: All right. Ross: All right. Joey: Okay. Ross: Hey man. Chandler: What is up? Ross: About yesterday, I was really wrong. I am sorry. Chandler: No, it was me. I'm sorry. I over reacted. Ross: Maybe it was both of us, but we had our best friend's interest… But we had our best friend's interest at heart. Chandler: Could I be more sorry. Ross: I don't know, I'm one sorry polentologist. I'm sorry. Chandler: I'm sorry too. Joey: Oh no! No-no, keep reading! The good part's coming up. Keep going. Ross: I am sorry, Chandler. Chandler: I am sorry, Ross. Joey: A handsome man enters. well you co-created Fireball. The end. Chandler: This took you all day?! Joey: No-no, this only took five minutes. I spent the rest of the day coming up with new, Ultimate Fireball. Ha-ha! Ending Credits Joey: Okay, it's a typical New York City apartment. Two girls are just hanging out. Monica: Hi, how are you doing Kelly? Rachel: I'm doing just fine! God, Tiffany, you smell so great! Monica: It's my new perfume. Why don't you come closer where you can really appreciate it? Rachel: Oh, y'know Joey, you are sick! Monica: This is disgusting! Rachel: I'm not reading this! Joey: What?! Wait-wait-wait! The handsome man was about to enter!! End Teleplay by: Suzie Villandry Story by: Brian Boyle Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Jay Leno: Is there any entertainment there? What are people doing? Joey: All right! Here we go! 1999! The year of Joey! Chandler: We're very happy for you. Joey: What's the matter?! Chandler: We wanted to kiss at midnight, but nobody else is going to so y'know… Joey: All right, I'll take care of it. Monica: Oh no, wait! Joey! Ross: 73! 72! 71! Joey: Ross! Ross! Ross, listen! Who are you kissing at midnight, huh? Rachel or Phoebe? Ross: What? Joey: Well you gotta kiss someone, you can't kiss your sister. Ross: Well, who's gonna kiss my sister. Joey: Chandler. Ross: Awww, man! Really? Joey: Dude-dude, who would you rather have kiss your sister, me or Chandler? Ross: That's a good point. Joey: Yeah. Ross: Oh well, since I have that whole history with Rachel, I guess Phoebe. Joey: Okay, great! Ross: All right. Joey: Pheebs! Pheebs! Ross wants to kiss you at midnight! Phoebe: It's so obvious, why doesn't he just ask? Joey: Rach! Rach! Listen, I'm gonna kiss you at midnight. Rachel: What?! Ross: Well, everyone's gotta kiss someone. You can't kiss Ross you got the history. Rachel: So? Joey: So? Who would you rather have kiss you, me or Chandler? Rachel: Oh, good point. Joey: Yeah! All: 3! 2! 1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Chandler: Happy New Year! Monica: Happy New Year. Ross: Happy New Year, Pheebs! Phoebe: You too! Rachel: Happy New Year, Joey! Joey: So did that do anything for ya? Opening Credits Ross: Y'know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no divorces in '99! Rachel: But your divorce isn't even final yet. Ross: Just the one divorce in '99! Y'know what, I am gonna be happy this year. I am gonna make myself happy. Chandler: Do you want us to leave the room, or? Ross: Everyday I am gonna do one thing that I haven't done before. That my friends is my New Year's resolution. Phoebe: Ooh! That's a good one! Mine is to pilot a commercial jet. Chandler: That's good one too, Pheebs. Now all you have to do is find a planeload of people who's resolution is to plummet to their deaths. Phoebe: Maybe your resolution is to not make fun of your friends, especially the ones who may soon be flying you to Europe for free on their own plane. Monica: She has a better chance of sprouting wings and flying up your nose than you do of not making fun of us. Ross: In fact, I'll bet you 50 bucks that you can't go the whole year without making fun of us. Eh, y'know what, better yet? A week. Chandler: I'll take that bet my friend. And you know what, paying me the 50 bucks could be the "new thing you do that day!" And it starts right now! Joey: All right, my New Year's resolution is to learn how to play the guitar. Ross: Ohh. Phoebe: Really?! How come? Joey: Well, y'know those special skills I have listed on my resume? I would love it would be great if one of those was true. Phoebe: Do you want me to teach you? I'm a great teacher. Joey: Really? Who-who have you taught? Phoebe: Well, I taught me and I love me. Joey: Yeah that'd be great! Thanks Pheebs! Rachel: Op, look! Claire forgot her glasses! And she's gonna be really needing these to keep an eye on that boyfriend, who, I hear, needs to keep his stapler in his desk drawer, if you know what I'm talking about. Monica: Hey Rach, maybe your resolution should be to umm, gossip less. Rachel: I don't gossip! Rachel: Well, maybe sometimes I find out things or I hear something and I pass that information on y'know kinda like a public service, it doesn't mean I'm a gossip. I mean, would you call Ted Kopel a gossip? Monica: Well if Ted Kopel talked about his coworkers botched boob jobs, I would. Rachel: What? They were like this! Woman: I'll see you tomorrow. Ross: Okay! Hey! Chandler and Joey: Hey! Ross: I just asked that girl out. Chandler: Nice! Joey: Nice!! Yeah! Is that part of your resolution, your new thing for today? Ross: Yes it is. See. Chandler: Elizabeth Hornswoggle? Ross: That's right, uh, Elizabeth Hornswoggle. Chandler: Horn-swoggle. Joey: You all right Chandler? Is there something funny about that name? Chandler: No. No, I just think that maybe I-I'd heard it somewhere before. Joey: Oh really! Where? Somewhere funny I'd bet! Ross: Hi, Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Oh-oh, guess what? I-I have a date with Elizabeth Hornswoggle. Phoebe: Hornswoggle? Ooh, this must be killing you. Ross: All right, see you later. Joey: See ya! All right Pheebs, I am ready for my first lesson. Phoebe: Okay. Joey: Umm, okay. Phoebe: Okay, lesson one: chords. Now, I don't know the actual names of the chords but umm, I-I-I made up names for the way my hand looks while I'm doing them. Chandler: What an interesting approach to guitar instruction. Y'know some might find it amusing, I myself find it regular. Phoebe: Hey everybody, Rachel was so good today. She didn't gossip at all. Rachel: I didn’t! Even when I found out…umm, all right, well let's just say I found something out something about someone and let's just say she's gonna keep it. Joey: Hey, Pheebs! Check-check this out. Phoebe: Ooh, you nailed the Old Lady! Joey: Yeah listen so, I thought I was getting better, so on my way home today I stopped by this guitar store and… Phoebe: Did you, did you touch any of the guitars while you were there? Did you?! Joey: No. Phoebe: Give me your hands. Pick. Do you want to learn to play guitar? Joey: Yes! Phoebe: Then don't touch one!! Ross: Hi! Ben: Hi! Monica: Hi Ben! Ben: Auntie Monica!! Chandler: Someone comment on the pants! Rachel: I think they're very nice. Monica: I like 'em. Joey: Yeah! Monica: I like them a lot. Chandler: That's not what I had in mind! See, people like Ross don't generally wear these types of pants. You see, they're very tight. Maybe there's something in that area. Ross: Oh see, I-I needed a new thing for today and there's this leather store that always smells so good and I thought to myself, "Wow, I never really owned a good smelling pair of pants before." Chandler: Oh come on!! Ross: Okay, seriously, what do you think? Joey: You look like a freak. Rachel: Awful, absolutely awful. Ross: What are you, what are you doing? Monica: It's my New Year's resolution! Ross: What, to blind my child? Monica: No! To take more pictures of all of us together. I mean I really think it's the best resolution because everyone will enjoy the pictures. Joey: Well, everyone will enjoy my music as well. Ross: Are you hot? Elizabeth Hornswoggle: No. Ross: Okay, it must just be me then. Ross: That was just the pants on the couch. Umm, hey, do you, do you mind if I use your bathroom? Elizabeth: No, go ahead. Ross: Thanks. Ross: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh………. Elizabeth: Hey, my favorite part is coming up! Ross: 'Kay! Ross: Oh my God! Phoebe: Tiger! Joseph, did you even study at all last night? Joey: Yes! Yes, I did. Phoebe: Then do Iceberg! Joey: G-sharp. Phoebe: G-sharp? Have you been studying the real names of the chords? Oh my God! Joey: What?! I didn't touch a guitar! Phoebe: No, but you're questioning my method! Joey: No, I'm not questioning it, I'm saying it's stupid! Monica: Thank you. Phoebe: Y'know none of my other student thought I was stupid. Joey: Your other student, was you! Phoebe: Yeah, well, y'know maybe you just need to try a little harder! Joey: Phoebe: Fine! You go learn from your qualified instructor! But don't come crying to me when everyone's sick and tired of hearing you play Bad, Bad Leroy Brown!! Rachel: "Baddest man in the whole damn town." Phoebe: Oh, fine! Take his side! Monica: I can't wait to be with you! I'll sneak over as soon as Ross picks up Ben. I'll just tell Rachel I'm gonna be doing laundry for a couple of hours. Chandler: Monica: Awww, y'know what your nickname is, Mr. Big… Rachel: Arghh!! Commercial Break Joey: Hello? Ross: Joey, it's Ross! I need some help! Joey: Uhh, Chandler's not here. Ross: Well, you can help me! Joey: Okay. Ross: Listen, I'm in Elizabeth's bathroom… Joey: Nice! Ross: No, I-I got really hot in my leather pants so I took them off but they must have shrunk from the-the sweat or-or-or my legs expanded from the heat. Look, I-I can't put them back on. I can't! Joey: Oh. That is quite a situation. Uh, do you see any like, powder? Ross: Powder! Yeah! Yeah, I have powder! Joey: Good-good, okay, sprinkle some of that on your legs, it'll absorb some of the moisture and then you can get your pants back up. Ross: Yeah, okay, hold on! They're not coming on man. Joey: Umm, do you see any—oh, Vaseline? Ross: Ohh, I-I see lotion, I have lotion! Will that work? Joey: Yeah, sure, spread some of that on there. Ross: Hold on. Joey: Ross? You okay? Ross: They're still, they're still not coming on man and the lotion and the powder have made a paste! Joey: Really?! Uhh, what color is it? Ross: What difference does that make?! Joey: Well, I'm just—if the paste matches the pants, you can make yourself a pair of paste pants and she won't know the difference! Rachel: Joey, do you have a minute? Ross: Dude, what am I gonna… Joey: Rachel: Oh, Joey, I have such a problem! Joey: Oh well, you're timing couldn't be better. I am putting out fires all over the place. Rachel: Okay. Okay. Okay. Joey, I have got to tell you something! Joey: What-what is it, what is it? Rachel: Oh my God, it's so huge, but you just have to promise me that you cannot tell anyone. Joey: Oh no, no-no-no-no! I don't want to know! Rachel: Yes! Yes! Yes, you do want to know! This is unbelievable! Joey: I don't care, Rach! Look, I am tired of being the guy who knows all the secrets but can't tell anyone! Rachel: What? What secrets? You know secrets? What are they? Joey: And you're not supposed to be gossiping!! Rachel: I know, I know! I just can't keep this one in, so I pick up the phone… Joey: I'm not listening to you! Elizabeth: Ross, umm, you've been in there for a long time. I'm starting to get kinda freaked out. Ross: All right, I'm coming out. Hey, can you turn the lights off. Elizabeth: No, let's just leave the lights on. Elizabeth: Oh my God! Ross: I had a problem. Joey: Hey, Pheebs? Phoebe: No, I can't talk to you! I don't have a fancy ad in the Yellow Pages! Joey: Look, Pheebs, I just, I wanna apologize for, for saying that your method was stupid and-and maybe ask you to be my teacher again. And-and I promise, I won't touch a guitar until you say I'm ready. You really think I'm ready? Phoebe: Uh-huh! Joey: Wow! Cool! Joey: Was the chord at least right… Phoebe: No! Chandler: Oh my God! Monica: We heard about your pants, I'm so sorry. Ross: This year was supposed to be great! But, it's only the second day and I'm a loser with stupid leather pants that don't even fit! All: No. No, you're not a loser. Ross: Look at me! Monica: Hey, hey, look. Look Ross, Ben drew a picture of you! Huh? You're-you're a cowboy! Ross: Oh, be-because of the leather pants. Monica: See? Ben doesn't think you're a loser, he thinks you're a cowboy! Now that's something. Phoebe: Yeah! Rachel: That really is something; that's really cool. Joey: Howdy partner! Ross: Maybe I should get another pair! Ooh, y'know, they-they had some with fringe all down the sides. Monica: Okay, now that everything's wrapped up here, I think I'm, I'm gonna go do my laundry. Chandler: Oh yeah, me too. Y'know if this shirt is dirty. Yep. Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna go too. I'm gonna go to the airport. I figure if I hang around there long enough, someone's bound to leave one of those planes unattended. Rachel: Good luck, honey! Phoebe: Bye! Rachel: Hey, uh, Joey? Joey: Umm? Rachel: Remember that big thing I was gonna tell you about? Joey: Oh, no! Rachel: I'm not gonna tell you, but if you found out on your own, that would be okay and then we could talk about it. Right? Joey: Well, then it wouldn't be a secret. So yeah, that would be okay. Yeah. Yeah! Rachel: Hey uh Joe, would mind going over to Chandler's bedroom and get that book back that he borrowed from me? Joey: Now? You want me to go over there now? Rachel: Yeah! Joey: Do you know something? Rachel: Do you know something? Joey: I might know something. Rachel: I might know something too. Joey: What's the thing you know? Rachel: Oh no, I can't tell you until you tell me what you know. Joey: I can't tell you what I know. Rachel: Well then I can't tell you what I know. Joey: Okay, fine. Joey: You don't know! Rachel: All right, how about I go over there and I will walk into Chandler's bedroom and I will see that thing that I think that I know is actually the thing that I think that I know! Joey: YOU KNOW!!!! Rachel: AND YOU KNOW!!! Joey: Yeah, I know!!!! Rachel: Chandler and Monica?!! Oh, this is unbelievable!! How long have you known? Joey: Too long! Oh my God, Rach, I've been dying to talk to someone about this for so long! Listen, listen, we can't say anything about this to anybody, they're so weird about that! Listen… Joey and Rachel: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! It's raining. I don't want to fly in the rain. So… Joey: Oh, I am going to go for a walk in the rain. Rachel: Ohhh, yeah, me too. Phoebe: That's weird. I bet they're doing it. Ending Credits Chandler: End Written by: Alicia Sky Varinaitis Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Rachel: Come on Joey!!! Joey: Rach, I told you everything I knew last night! Look, it's not that big of a deal, so Monica and Chandler are doing it. Rachel: I can't believe you would say that! Joey: Sorry. Monica and Chandler are making love. Rachel: No! I mean come on! This is a huge deal! Fine I want—I need more details, who-who initiated the first kiss? Joey: I don't know. Rachel: Is he romantic with her? Joey: I don't know. Rachel: Are they in love? Joey: I don't know. Rachel: You don't know anything. Joey: Ohh, I know one thing! Rachel: What? Joey: They did it right there on the couch. Opening Credits Joey: Hey Ross! Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Wanna hear some good news? Someone I know is getting married! Yeah! And weddings are happy occasions! Oh, by-the-by it's my ex-wife Emily! All: What? Oh! Chandler: Sorry man. Gunther: Here's your scone. Ross: Oh, thanks Gunther. STUPID BRITISH SNACK FOOD!!!!!!! Chandler: Did they teach you that in your anger management class? Phoebe: Hey, you know what might help you deal with it? Think of it this way, you and Emily are in the past and you can't be mad about the past. So are you still mad about the Louisiana Purchase? Rachel: Pheebs, I don’t think anyone's mad about that. Phoebe: Exactly! Because it's in the past! Joey: Anybody gonna eat that? Monica: Look at us all dressed up for the big office party! By the way, what are we celebrating? Chandler: Oh, we had a lot of liquor left over from the Christmas party. Monica: I think this is so cool because none of our friends are here and we can be a real couple. We don't have to hide. Chandler: I know, I can do this. Monica: Ooh, and I can do this. Both: We can't do that. Doug: Hey Bing! Wo-ho-ho, who's the pretty lady and what the hell is she doing with you? Chandler: I asked myself that very question, sir. Uh, This is my boss, Doug. Doug this is Monica. Monica: Hi, nice to meet you! Doug: Hi! And this is my wife Kara. Kara: Nice to meet you Monica. Bing! Doug: Say uh, Bing, did you hear about the new law firm we got working for us? Chandler: No, sir. Doug: Yeah, Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe. Doug: Come on honey, let's go drink our body weight. Monica: What was that? Chandler: What? Monica: That noise you just made? Chandler: Oh, that was my work laugh. Monica: Really? Your work laugh? Chandler: Oh, believe me, to survive this party, you're gonna have to come up with one too. Monica: All right, check me out. Chandler: Okay. Doug: …says $30 Father; same as in town. Chandler: Hey! Everybody at work loved you last night! Monica: Really? Chandler: And! They like me more just because I was with ya! I think you repaired a lot of the damage from when they met Joey. And Doug wants us to play tennis with them. He's never even talked to me outside of work. Except for that time when we bumped into each other at that strip club. Strip church. Anyway, I'm gonna go try and find a racquet. Monica: Hey, I thought you already had one. Chandler: Oh I used too, but then Joey thought it would be fun to go to Central Park and hit rocks at…bigger rocks. Hey Rach, do you have a tennis racquet? Rachel: Oh umm, y'know I lent it to Joey and I never actually got it back. Chandler: Okay, good luck with that. Rachel: Hey! Monica: Hi! Rachel: What's up?! Monica: What are you doing here? I thought you had to do inventory all day. Rachel: Well yeah, I do, but I decided to take a long lunch and spend some time with my friend Monica. Y'know I-I feel that we don't talk anymore. How are you? What is new with you? Monica: Uhh, not much. Uh, work's good. Rachel: Oh y'know what, we don’t have to talk about work. We can talk about anything! Monica: Okay. Umm… Rachel: Hey! Y'know what? Let's talk about relationships! Monica: Okay, what's going on with you? Rachel: Nothing! You go! Monica: Well, I-I—there was this guy at the bank that I thought was cute umm, but I don't anymore. Rachel: Wow that's uh, juicy. Umm, y'know what though Mon, I actually do have a lot of work to do so if-if—are you sure there's just not anything else? Monica: Yes, I'm sure! Rachel is there something that you want to talk me about? Rachel: No! If there was I wouldn't tell you. Phoebe: Okay, then what happened? Phoebe: You'll get your turn! Ross: Hey Pheebs, what's going on? Phoebe: Nothing! This is not over! Ross: No! No! No! Phoebe: What?! Ross: I was up all night writing this really nasty letter to Emily! It was perfect and now it's all covered in-in… Actually, thanks! Joey: All right! Everybody ready to go to the movies? Ross: Uh actually, I think I'm gonna skip it. Joey: Really? Ross: Yeah, I'm gonna stay and read my book. I just wanna be alone right now. Joey: Oh. Are you sure you don't want to come? Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, they get mail and stuff. Ross: That's okay, Joe. Joey: All right, let's go Pheebs. Ross: Oh God! Doug: Bing! Kara: Oww!! Monica: Game! Doug: Well, I gotta tell ya Bing; that partner of yours is a real tiger. Are you all right sweethart? Kara: I'm not all right. Doug: We're, we're just gonna get a little sip of water. Monica: Am I on fire today or what?! Those birds are browned, basted, and ready to be carved! Chandler: Okay, easy Martina. I think we should let them win the next game. Monica: I'm sorry, I don't understand what you just said. Chandler: Let them win one. Monica: Are you crazy?! We own those two! I mean look at 'um, he can't breath and she's popping pills. Chandler: You're not even giving them a chance! Monica: They have racquets don't they?! Doug: Uh Bing, I think we're gonna make this the last game. Chandler: Oh yes, sir! Put me out of my misery. Are you sure you never played pro? Please let them win! Monica: I'll take it down to 95% but that's the best I can do. Chandler: Oopsey, missed it! Monica: I got it! Doug: Nice shot. Monica: I got it!! Chandler: Long! Monica: I can't believe you let them win! Chandler: Yeah, at least you hid your feelings well about it. Monica: I was frustrated. Chandler: It was my racquet. Monica: I was frustrated with you! Chandler: If we hadn't lost the game they never would've invented us to dinner tomorrow night. Monica: Y'know what really bothers me? Is—it's how-how different you act around them! I mean y'know the throwing the tennis games, the fake laugh, the "I'll see you around, Bing!" "Not if I see you first, Doug!" I gotta tell you, I don't like Work Chandler. Okay? The guy's a suck-up. Chandler: Okay y'know what, because you said that, I'm not putting out tonight. Monica: I'm telling you, something's wrong! My brother does not stay out all night. Joey: Maybe we should check the trash chute. Rachel: Ross couldn't fit down the trash chute. Joey: That's right, he almost could. Which is exactly how I got stuck there. Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: There he is! Monica: Oh my God! Where the hell have you been?!! Ross: Just, y'know out. Rachel: Ohh, out, oh God, I don't know why we didn't think to check there! Phoebe: What were you doing? Ross: I uh, went to a bar. And then I just uh, just walked around for a while. Rachel: You walked around all night in the city by yourself? Joey: He hooked up! He hooked up with someone. Ross: Look, I don't have to answer your questions! Okay? I'm a big boy, I can do whatever I want! Joey: He hooked up!! Tell us about her! Janice: Commercial Break Janice: Uh-oh-okay. Uh-oh-okay. I know what you all are thinking. But Chandler is in Yemen! I'm a young woman! I have needs! I can't wait forever! Rachel: Yeah! No that's what I was thinking. Janice: So I'm asking you please, take a moment before you judge me. Phoebe: Oh, nobody's judging you. Janice: Oh! Okay! Ross: Okay, look, I-I know what you guys are going to say… Phoebe: You two will have very hairy children. Ross: Okay, I didn't know you would say that. Rachel: Ross! Janice?! Joey: All right, hold on! Hold on. Hold on. This is Ross, okay? He's our friend. He obviously went crazy. He obviously lost his mind. Ross: Look, I didn't lose my mind! Okay, Janice and I have a lot in common! We've-we've both been divorced. We-we both have kids. Phoebe: So are you actually gonna see her again? Joey: Phoebe! Don't put ideas in his head! Ross: I am gonna see her again. Joey: Damnit Phoebe!! Rachel: Okay, I have to tell you something that I have never admitted during our entire friendship! But, when we were in high school I made out with James Farrell even when I knew that you liked him! Wow, that feels so good to get off my chest! Okay, you go! Monica: My turn? What-what are you talking about? Rachel: Ugh, Monica, I know about you and Chandler. Monica: What?! Rachel: I overheard you guys on the phone the other day, and you said, "I'll just tell Rachel that I'm doing laundry for a couple of hours." And he said, "Laundry? Is that my new nickname?" And you said, "No! You know what your nickname is, Mr. Big." Monica: Well. Sounds like you're writing yourself a little play there Rach. Wow! Let me know how that one turns out. Rachel: Well, I wouldn't know because I got so freaked out that I hung up the phone. Monica: Well, if you had kept listening, you-you would have heard me call him Mr. Big……ot. Rachel: What?! Monica: Mr. Bigot. He tells the most racist jokes. Rachel: All right. So you're telling me that there is nothing going on between you and Chandler. Monica: Me and Chandler?! Joey: All right, put your 20 bucks down. First one to find the tasty treat wins. Okay? Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Joey: All right. Let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths. Phoebe: Get your foot off my contestant! Judge! Joey: Judge rules, no violation. Phoebe: Ohhh. Ross: Hey guys! Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Yeah! Ross: Y'know what? It sounds so weird to say this but, I just had a great day with Janice! Joey: What?! Phoebe: Are you serious?! Ross: Yeah! I opened up to her about all the terrible stuff that's been happening to me. I mean I talked for hours. It is amazing to have someone give you such-such focused attention. Phoebe: You don't need Janice for that, you've got us. We… Joey: And the duck gets the Nutter-Butter! Phoebe: No!! Hey-hey that's not a Nutter-Butter, that's just an old Wonton! Joey: Judge rules, Nutter-Butter. Phoebe: Ohh, tough call. Joey: Yeah. Doug: But seriously, I believe that we should all support President Clinton. And her husband Bill. Kara: So how do you kids like your coffee? Monica: Oh, none for me. Thanks. Chandler: Just a little bit of sugar. Doug: Well, maybe I'll bring it out and have Monica stick her finger in it. That oughta sweeten it up, huh? Monica: How does that laugh not give you a headache? Chandler: Oh, you get used to it. Monica: Y'know, I-I-I don't think that I can. So if you don't mind, maybe this will be it for me on the work things. Chandler: So I laugh at my boss's jokes, what's the big deal? Monica: I'd rather hang out with a sniveling work weasel guy when I can be hanging out with my boyfriend who I actually respect. Chandler: Oh. Doug: Did you hear what I said Bing? Chandler: What? Doug: The joke Bing. What's the matter with you? Chandler: Well, I-I just didn't think it was funny sir. Doug: Excuse me? Chandler: Well, I just… Monica: Honey, I just don't think that you understood the joke. Chandler: Really? Monica: Yeah! I mean it was really funny, I-I just don't think you got it. You see Kara's coffee is-is-is weak tasting, okay? But-but what Doug was-was imply that it was weak physically. You get it now honey? Chandler: I think I do! Thank you, Monica. Monica: I thought you could use the help. Chandler: Coffee in a fight! Joey: Hey Rach! Hey, you mind if I read my comic books in here? Rachel: Sure! Why? Joey: Oh well, Chandler and Monica are over there and it's kinda hard to concentrate. Rachel: What?! She just called and said that she was gonna be working late! She keeps lying to me! That's it! Y'know what? I'm just gonna go over there and confront them right now! Chandler: All right, so you're telling me that I have to tell racist jokes now?! Monica: Sorry! I'm just—I'm not very good at this! I'm a terrible liar and I hate having to lie to Rachel! Chandler: But we're not ready to tell yet! Monica: I know! It's just that…ever since high school Rachel was the one person I told everything too. Y'know? I miss that so much now. She's my best friend. Monica: Joey?! Oh my God, Rachel! Rachel: Hey! Hi! Monica: Wh-wh-what are you doing here? (She tries to pull her shirt down to cover the fact that she's wearing men's boxers.] Rachel: Well, I was actually—I-I came over here to-to borrow this lamp. To umm, look at my books, y'know, see them a little better. Monica: Okay great! Rachel: Yeah! Monica: Great! Umm, well what-what I was doing in Chandler's room is that umm, I was cleaning it! In fact, he pays me to clean it! Rachel: Oh! What a great way to earn some extra pocket money. Monica: Y'know when I said to you earlier that I was at work umm, I'm at my new work. Rachel: That's good enough. Right? Okay, well umm, I'm gonna go look at my books! Monica: Okay. Rachel: Okay. Monica: I'll get back to my new job. Rachel: 'Kay. Chandler: Man, she is really gullible. Gunther: Here you go. Ross: Thanks! Janice: Actually, I should get going. Ross: Are you sure? Because I can stay out as late as you want. I told you how I'm on sabbatical from work, right? Janice: Yes! Yes! You did! Ross: Oh… Janice: What is wrong now?! Ross: This isn't what I ordered! Man! Can anything go right in my life?! First my marriage falls apart and then… Janice: I know! I know! And then you lose your apartment! And then you lose your job! And then your ex-wife gets married so fast! And now the coffee—ahh!! Ross, we need to talk. Ross: Okay. Sometimes I feel… Janice: No-no-no, no. I'm going to talk. I believe that the sun has set on our day in the sun. Ross: Huh? Janice: You're a very sweet person Ross, umm, unfortunately I don't think I can take another second of you whining!! Ross: Let-let me make sure I'm hearing this right, you're ending this with me because I'm too whiney? So you're saying, I've become so whiney that I annoy you, Janice. Janice: Well yeah!! Ross: OH…MY…GOD!! Janice: Are you gonna be okay? Ross: I am now. Janice: Okay. Joey: Umm, hi. Janice: Oh hi! Well, I guess that's two out of three, Joey. Ending Credits Ross: Dude, we got to talk. Chandler: Okay. Ross: I just wanted to tell you something before you heard it from someone else and I hope this isn't too weird, but uh, I had uh, a thing with Janice. What you're-you're not mad? Chandler: Why would I be mad? Ross: Well, because y'know there are certain rules about this kind of stuff. You don't uh, you don't fool around with your uh, friend's ex-girlfriends or possible girlfriends or girls they're related to. Chandler: I am mad! But you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna forgive you! Because that's what friends do! They forgive their friends when they do everything you just said, all on the list there. Well, but I want you to remember that I forgave you. Ross: Okay. Chandler: I also want you to remember that I let you live here rent free! Ross: All right. Chandler: And, I want you to remember that I gave you twenty seven dollars. No strings attached. Now, if you can't remember that, I think we should write it down—let's write it down! End Teleplay by: Seth Kirkland Story by: Michael Curtis Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Monica: I can't believe we've never done this before! It's sooo good! So good for Monica! Chandler: Oh! Look at that, time's up! My turn! Monica: That was a half an hour? Chandler: It's your timer. Monica: Y'know, I don't like to brag about it, but I give the best massages! Chandler: All right, then massage me up right nice! Chandler: Ah! Ahh!! Ahh!! Monica: It's so good, isn't it? Chandler: It's so good I don't know what I've done to deserve it! Monica: Say good-bye to sore muscles! Chandler: Good-bye muscles!! Opening Credits Chandler: I'm telling you, she gives the worst massages ever!! Okay, it was like she was torturing me for information. And I wanted to give it up I just—I didn't know what it was! Joey: Chandler, if it really hurts that bad you should just tell her. Chandler: Look, for the first time in my life I'm in a real relationship. Okay, I'm not gonna screw that up by y'know, telling the truth. Ross: Hey. Joey: Whoa, dude, look out! You almost crushed my hat! Ross: Sorry. Chandler: Ross: This would be the place where you explain the hat. Joey: Oh! Yeah, look there's this play all right? And I'm up for the part of this real cool like suave international guy. A real clothes horse. So I figure that everyone at the audition is gonna be wearing this kinda y'know, ultra-hip, high fashion stuff. Chandler: And you're gonna make them all disappear. Joey: Yeah, like you could find something as sophisticated as this. Chandler: Done. Rachel: Joey, if you wanna look good, why don't you just come down to the store? I'll help you out. Joey: Great! Thanks, Rach! Rachel: Sure! God, please take those off! Joey: All right. Ross: Hey Pheebs, how's it going? Chandler: Hey. Phoebe: Hey! Umm, well, only okay because I just got back from, from the hospital. Rachel: What? Ross: Is everything okay? Joey: Are you all right? Phoebe: Oh yeah, no-no-no. I'm fine. I'm okay, but umm, my Grandma sorta died. Joey: Pheebs! Sorry! Phoebe: It's okay, I mean she had a really incredible life. And it's not like I'm never gonna see her again, y'know she's gonna visit. Rachel: Well maybe, maybe she's with us right now? Phoebe: Yeah, her first day on a new spiritual plane and she's gonna come to the coffeehouse! Monica: Guys! Guys! I just saw two people having sex in a car right outside. Ross: Uhh, Pheebs' Grandmother just died. Monica: Ohh my God, I'm so sorry. Phoebe: It's okay. Actually y'know what, it's kinda cool. 'Cause it's like y'know, one life ends and another begins. Monica: Not the way they're doing it. What, what happened? How did she die? Phoebe: Well umm, okay we were in the market and she bent down to get some yogurt and she just never came back up again. Joey: Pheebs, I'm so sorry. Phoebe: It was really sweet. The last thing she said to me was; "Okay dear, you go get the eggs and I'm gonna get the yogurt and we'll meet at the checkout counter." And y'know what? We will meet at the checkout counter. Rachel: Okay now Joey, y'know that since you're returning all of this stuff right after the audition you're gonna have to wear underwear? Joey: All right, then you'd better show me some of that too then. Rachel: Okay, it's missing something. Ooh, I know! Umm, okay. Joey: Really? A purse? Rachel: It's not a purse! It's a shoulder bag. Joey: It looks like a women's purse. Rachel: No Joey, look. Trust me, all the men are wearing them in the spring catalog. Look. See look, men, carrying the bag. Joey: See look, women, carrying the bag. But it is odd how a women's purse looks good on me, a man. Rachel: Exactly! Unisex! Joey: Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago. Rachel: No! No Joey! U-N-I-sex. Joey: Well, I ain't gonna say no to that. Ursula: Who is it? Phoebe: It's Phoebe. Ursula: Oh great! Oh, you. Umm, what's up? Phoebe: Umm, well I sorta have some bad news, can I come in? Ursula: Umm, yeah—no thanks. Phoebe: Umm, well, umm Grandma died. Ursula: Wow! Didn't she die like five years ago? Phoebe: No, she just died today! Okay, umm, we're having a memorial service tomorrow. Ursula: Okay, I know that I went to that all ready. Phoebe: No you didn't! Ursula: Well, then who's been dead for five years? Phoebe: Well, lots of people! Look, are you coming to memorial service or not? Ursula: Umm, no. See I already thought she was dead so I kinda made my peace with it. Plus, I'm going to a concert tomorrow. So… I'd invite you, but umm, I only have two tickets left. Phoebe: Fine. Okay, enjoy your concert. Ursula: Thanks! Enjoy your funeral. Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Chandler: Wow! You look just like your son Mrs. Tribbiani! Joey: What? Are you referring to my man's bag? At first, I thought it just looked good, but it's practical too. Check it out! It's got compartments for all your stuff! Your wallet! Your keys! Your address book! Ross: Your make-up! Rachel: Joey, what are you doing with the bag? You're audition is not until tomorrow. Joey: Yeah, but sandwich time is right now. Rachel: Joey, y'know you get any mustard on that bag, you can't return it. Joey: Why would I return it? I love this bag! Rachel: All right, then you owe me $350. Joey: Fine! Do you take Vasa or Mustercard? Rachel: Joey… Joey: All right relax, look I'll pay you with the money from the acting job I am definitely gonna get thanks to you. Ross: What's the part, Anti-man? Rachel: Hey, don't listen to them. I think it's sexy. Joey: U-N-I-sexy? Phoebe: Well hello, Mrs. Penella! Thank you so much for coming! Well, okay look, here's your umm, 3-D glasses and Reverend Pong will tell you when to put them on. Rachel: Hi sweetie! Ross: Hey, how are you holding up? Joey: Hey Pheebs, I'm so sorry. Phoebe: Hey, y'know what? My Grandma had the exact same bag! Joey: Here, I brought you some flowers. Phoebe: Thanks! Chandler: Pulling flowers out it makes the bag look a lot more masculine. Man: Oops, I'm sorry. Excuse me. Is this the umm, the memorial? Phoebe: Yeah, welcome. Man: Hello. Hello. Phoebe: Umm here's your 3-D glasses. Man: Oh, umm, all right. Phoebe: So how did you know Francis? Man: Well I actually, I-I really, I haven't seen her for years. But umm, well I-I was pretty tight with-with her and her daughter. Phoebe: Really?! What's your name? Man: Umm, Frank Buffay. Frank Sr.: Y'know what? Strike that. My name uh, actually is-is Joe. Uh, Joe umm, Hill. Phoebe: You're Frank Buffay? Frank Sr.: Shh! No! Joe Hill! Phoebe: You just said… Frank Sr.: Y'know what, I gotta go. And thank you so much for coming. Phoebe: But… Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica: What?! What honey? Ross: What happened? Phoebe: That was my dad! Chandler: Oh my God! Joey: Commercial Break Monica: Oh, did you catch him?! Phoebe: Uh-huh. Ross: Wh-what did he say?! Phoebe: He said, "Nice to meet you Glenda." Well, obviously I couldn't give him my real name? Rachel: Why?! Why not?! Phoebe: Come on, you saw the way he ran out of here! What do you think? He's gonna stick around and talk to the daughter he abandoned! Joey: What did you say to him? Phoebe: Well, I said, I told him y'know, that I was the executor person of Francis' will and that I needed to talk to him so I'm gonna meet him at the coffee house later. The Pastor: Could everyone please take their seats? Phoebe: All right, well, I just can't think about that right now. I just wanna say good-bye to my Grandma. Rachel: Okay. Monica: All right, let's go say good-bye. Joey: Hey! I'm off to my audition. How do I look? Rachel: Ahhh, I think you look great! That bag is gonna get you that part. Chandler: And a date with a man! Joey: Y'know what? Make fun all you want. This is a great bag! Okay? And it's as handy as it is becoming. Now, just because you don't understand something, doesn't make it wrong. All right? So from now on you guys are gonna have to get used to the fact that Joey, Phoebe: All right, I'd better go too. I have to go talk to my dad. Rachel: Ooh, Pheebs, what are you gonna say? Are you gonna tell him who you are? Phoebe: Umm, no, not at first 'cause I-I don't want to freak him out Ross: Well, but aren't you pissed at him?! I mean this guy abandoned you! I gotta tell you if this were me, this guy would be in some serious physical danger! I kinda scared myself. Monica: Well, at least you scared someone. Phoebe: Y'know it's funny, you'd think I'd be angry. I mean, you'd think I'd wanna rip his tiny little head off. Fortunately, I'm past it. Monica: Phoebe, you do seem a little tense. Here, let me help you. Phoebe: All right. Phoebe: Oh! Get off!! Ow!! Oh, stop it!! Why?! Why are you doing that to me?! Monica: What are you talking about? Phoebe: As a masseuse and a human, I'm begging you, never do that to anyone! Monica: Phoebe: He-he does not like it! He hates it! He's in pain! Monica: No he's not! Chandler: Yes, he is! Monica: What?! Chandler: I'm sorry but, ow-owww-owww! Monica: You've been lying to me? I can't believe you'd do that. Ross: Well, maybe he just didn't want to hurt your feelings. Monica: But the minute we start to lie to each other… And by 'we' I mean society. The Casting Director: Any time you're ready, Joey. Joey: Well, you must be new here. Why don't we get a table and I'll buy you a drink. The Casting Director: I'm sorry. Could you, could you try it without the purse? Joey: Yeah, sure. The Casting Director: Sure. What? Joey: Well, first it's not a purse. The Casting Director: Okay, anytime. Joey: I mean if-if you're thinking it's a woman's bag, it's not. It's a man's bag! The Casting Director: Okayyyy! Anddd, go! Joey: All right look, let me show you the catalog! See? Huh? It's the latest thing! Everyone's got one! Men! Women! Children! Everyone's carrying them! The Casting Director: Umm, do you sell these bags? Joey: Noooo. No-no-no, these babies sell themselves. The Casting Director: Okay! Thank you! That was great! Joey: Yeah but I didn’t read anything. The Casting Director: I think we've seen enough! Joey: Okay! All right, I'll see ya. We got it! We got it! Chandler: Hey, is Rachel here? Monica: No. Chandler: Listen, I just wanted to apologize about this afternoon and the whole massage thing. Y'know? I-I really like 'em. Monica: Oh, please, stop! Look, we're supposed to be honest with each other. I-I just wish you could tell me—just say, "I don't like your massages." Chandler: I don't like your massages. Monica: See? It's no big deal. Chandler: Okay, but now see you're crying! Monica: I'm not crying about that! I'm crying about something that happened at work. Chandler: What? Monica: My boyfriend said he didn't like my massages. Chandler: It's okay, you don't have to be the best at everything. Monica: Oh my God! You don't know me at all! Chandler: Okay, you give the worst massages in the world. Monica: I'm crying here!! Chandler: Okay, hear me out. Okay? You give the best bad massages. If anybody was looking for the best bad massage and they were thinking to themselves, "Who's the best of that?" They'd have to go to you. Monica: Huh. So you're saying like umm, if there was an award for the best bad massage, well who would get that? Chandler: Oh, it would be you! You! Monica! And you'd get all the votes! Monica: So maybe they could umm, call the award the Monica? Chandler: Absolutely! Monica: Okay. I suck! Chandler: Yeah! Phoebe: Umm, thank you for meeting with me. Frank Sr.: Thank you. All right. Phoebe: Come, sit. Umm, all righty, before we get started I just—I need you to state for the official record that you are in fact Frank Buffay. Frank Sr.: Oh yes. Yes, yes, I am, uh-hmm. Phoebe: Okay. Frank Sr.: So, what did Francis leave me? Phoebe: Huh? Frank Sr.: Well, that's why you wanted me to come, right? Phoebe: Oh yes. Yes. Yeah—no. She did. She left you umm, this lipstick. Frank Sr.: Oh. Huh. It's huh, well it's oh it's—ew used. Umm, cool. Phoebe: Okay. I have just a few questions to ask so I'm going to get out my official forms. You and uh, you were married to Francis' daughter Lilly, is that correct? Frank Sr.: Yes, yes I was. Phoebe: Okay, umm, question 2) Umm, did that marriage end A. Happily, B. Medium, or C. In the total abandonment of her and her two children? Frank Sr.: It really says that?! Phoebe: Yeah. See? Frank Sr.: Well then I guess then I-I would I would have to say C. Phoebe: Hmm, okay, total abandonment. Okay, reasons for abandonment, A. Top secret government work, B. Amnesia, or C. Or you're just a selfish, irresponsible bad, bad man? Frank Sr.: Y'know, I don't think I want the lipstick that much. Phoebe: What?! Frank Sr.: Well Lilly, when you see Lilly would you give her that, that note? Because I wanted to talk to her at the memorial but, well I pictured her getting mad at me the way you got mad at me and I well, I chickened out. So, uh, I wrote her that note, would you give it to her please? Phoebe: But you-you-you came to see Lilly? Frank Sr.: Yeah, yeah. Why? Phoebe: Lilly's dead. Frank Sr.: She what?! Phoebe: She's dead. Frank Sr.: Are you sure? Phoebe: Well, if she isn't then cremating her was a big mistake. Frank Sr.: I can't believe this. I just—I can't believe this. How-how—Oh my God. How long ago? Phoebe: 17 years ago. Frank Sr.: Oh! What about, what about the girls? Phoebe: Well, Ursula is a waitress and-and she lives in Soho. And Phoebe, is on this couch. Phoebe: Yep, lipstick and a daughter, big day for you! Frank Sr.: Phoebe, I-I-I-umm, I just, I-I-I-I don’t, I don’t know what to say. I just can't believe that you're my daughter, you're so pretty. Phoebe: Yes. Well, that's neither here nor there. Frank Sr.: So would it, would it make you feel better if I said I was very, very sorry that I left? Phoebe: Y'know what, it doesn’t matter what you say it's not gonna make a difference anyway, so you can just go. Frank Sr.: All right. Well, y'know in my defense I was a lousy father. Phoebe: That's a defense? Frank Sr.: Yes. Yes it is. I burned the formula and I put your diapers on backwards. I mean, I made up a song to sing you to sleep, but that made you cry even more! Phoebe: You make up songs? Frank Sr.: Well no, just-just that one. But, it was stupid. Let's see, how did it, how did it go. Umm. Sleepy girl, sleepy girl. Why won't you go to sleep? Sleepy girl, sleepy girl. You're, you're, you're keeping me uppp! Yeah. Frank Sr.: I just, I y'know, I'm not very good at this. So, umm… Phoebe: Well, I am. Phoebe: Not yet, no. Ending Credits Joey: Hi. All: Hey! Chandler: Hey man, how did the audition go? Joey: Estelle said I didn't get it. Rachel: What?! Why? Joey you were so ready for it! Joey: Yeah, I thought so too but, she said the casting people had some problems with me. Ross: What kind of problem? Joey: Well to tell you the truth, they uh, they had a problem with the bag! Chandler: Oh my God! Ross: Nooooo! Joey: Y'know what? It was a stupid play anyway! Monica: Y'know, Joey, I think it's time to give up the bag. Joey: I don't wanna give up the bag. I don't have to give up the bag! Do I Rach? Oh, you think I should give up the bag! Rachel: Honey wait, Joey, I’m sorry I mean as terrific as I think you are with it… Chandler: Oh, hey! Rachel: …I just don't know if the world is ready for you and your bag. Joey: I can't believe I'm hearing this! Rachel: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'm not saying that you shouldn’t have a bag, I just—it's just there are other bags that are a little less umm, controversial. Chandler: Yeah umm, they're called wallets. End Written by: Alexa Junge Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Phoebe: Oh hey, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy is putting stuff in boxes! Rachel: I'd say from the looks of it; our naked buddy is moving. Ross: Ironically, most of the boxes seem to be labeled clothes. Rachel: Ohh, I'm gonna miss that big old squishy butt. Chandler: And we're done with the chicken fried rice. Ross: Hey! Hey! If he's moving, maybe I should try to get his place! All: Good idea! Yes! Ross: It would be so cool to live across from you guys! Joey: Hey, yeah! Then we could do that telephone thing! Y'know, you have a can, we have a can and it's connected by a string! Chandler: Or we can do the actual telephone thing. Opening Credits Ross: Oh my God! I love this apartment! Isn't it perfect?! I can't believe I never realized how great it is! Rachel: Well that is because your eye immediately goes to the big naked man. Phoebe: It's amazing! You better hurry up and fill out an application or I'm gonna beat you to it. Ross: Rachel: Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna go use Ugly Naked Guy's bathroom. Phoebe: Ohh!! Ohh! Ahh-ahhh!! Rachel: What?! Phoebe: Ahhh!! Chandler and Monica!! Chandler and Monica!! Rachel: Oh my God! Phoebe: CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!! Rachel: OH MY GOD!!! Phoebe: OH!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!! Rachel: Phoebe!! Phoebe!! It's okay!! It's okay!! Phoebe: NO! THEY'RE DOING IT!!! Rachel: I KNOW!! I KNOW!! I KNOW! Phoebe: YOU KNOW?!!! Rachel: Yes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross doesn't know so you have to stop screaming!! Ross: What's going on? Phoebe and Rachel: Ohhh!!! Rachel: HI!! Hi! Ross: What?! What?! Rachel: Nothing! Oh God, we're just so excited that you want to get this apartment! Ross: Actually, it looks really good. Phoebe: Phoebe: You mean whenever Monica and Chandler where like y'know doing laundry or going grocery shopping or—Oh! All that time Monica spent on the phone with sad Linda from camp! Rachel: Uh-huh, doing it. Doing it. Phone doing it. Phoebe: Oh! Oh, I can't believe it! I mean I think it's great! For him. She might be able to do better. Joey: Hey guys! Rachel: Joey! Come here! Come here! Joey: What? What? Rachel: Phoebe just found out about Monica and Chandler. Joey: You mean how they're friends and nothing more? Rachel: No. Joey, she knows! We were at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment and we saw them doing it through the window. Actually, we saw them doing it up against the window. Phoebe: Okay, so now they know that you know and they don't know that Rachel knows? Joey: Yes, but y'know what? It doesn't matter who knows what. Now, enough of us know that we can just tell them that we know! Then all the lying and the secrets would finally be over! Phoebe: Or, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own. Rachel: Wh-what do you mean? Phoebe: Well y'know every time that they say that like they're doing laundry we'll just give them a bunch of laundry to do. Rachel: Ohhh, I-I would enjoy that! Joey: No-no-no! No-no wait Rach, you know what would even be more fun? Telling them. Rachel: Ehhh, no, I wanna do Phoebe's thing. Joey: I can't take any… Phoebe: No! You don't have to do anything! Just don't tell them that we know! Joey: Noo! I can't take any more secrets! I've got your secrets. I've got their secrets. I got secrets of my own y'know! Rachel: You don't have any secrets! Joey: Oh yeah? Well, you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal. Rachel: So umm, how-how are we gonna mess with them? Joey: Ugh. Phoebe: Well, you could use your position y'know as the roommate. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: And then. I would use y'know the strongest tool at my disposal. My sexuality. Chandler: Hello children! All: Hey! Phoebe: Okay, watch, learn, and don't eat my cookie. Chandler: Hey. Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, wow that jacket looks great on you! Chandler: Really? Phoebe: Yeah the material feels so soft—hello Mr. Bicep! Have you been working out? Chandler: Well, I try to y'know, squeeze things. Are you okay? Phoebe: Well, if you really wanna know, I'm—Oh! I can't tell you this. Chandler: Phoebe, it's me. You can tell me anything. Phoebe: Well actually you're the one person I can't tell this too. And the one person I want to the most. Chandler: What's going on? Phoebe: I think it's just y'know that I haven't been with a guy in so long and how sometimes you're looking for something and you just don’t even see that it's right there in front of you sipping coffee—Oh no, have I said to much? Well it's just something to think about. I know I will. Monica: You are so cute! How did you get to be so cute? Chandler: Well, my Grandfather was Swedish and my Grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny. Monica: Okay, now you're even cuter!! Chandler: Y'know that is a popular opinion today I must say. Monica: What? Chandler: The weirdest thing happened at the coffee house, I think, I think Phoebe was hitting on me. Monica: What are you talking about? Chandler: I'm telling you I think Phoebe thinks I'm foxy. Monica: That's not possible! Chandler: Ow! Monica: I'm sorry it's just, Phoebe just always thought you were, you were charming in a, in a sexless kind of way. Chandler: Oh, y'know I-I can't hear that enough. Monica: I'm sorry, I think that you just misunderstood her. Chandler: No, I didn't misunderstand, okay? She was all over me! She touched my bicep for crying out loud! Monica: This bicep? Chandler: Well it's not flexed right now! Rachel: Hey Mon, what are you doing now? Wanna come see a movie with us? Monica: Uhh, y'know actually I was gonna do some laundry. Rachel: Oh. Monica: Hey Chandler, wanna do it with me? Chandler: Sure, I'll do it with ya. Monica: Okay. Rachel: Okay great, hold on a sec! Oh, here you go! You don't mind do ya? That would really help me out a lot! Thanks! Monica: I mean I-I don't I think I have enough quarters. Phoebe: I have quarters! Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hey Ross! Any word on the apartment yet? Ross: Well, I called over there and it turns out Ugly Naked Guy is subletting it himself and he's already had like a hundred applicants. Rachel: Oh. Ross: No-no, I got the edge. I know it's not exactly ethical but I sent him a little bribe to tip the scales in my direction. Check it out, you can probably see it from the window. Monica: Oh, is it that pinball machine with the big bow on it? Ross: No. Chandler: That new mountain bike? Ross: No. Monica: Well what did you send? Ross: A basket of mini-muffins. Phoebe: But there's a whole table of mini-muffin baskets. Which one did you send? Ross: The small one. Rachel: What?! You-you actually thought that basket was gonna get you the apartment? Ross: Well yeah! Someone sent us a basket at work once and people went crazy over those little muffins. It was the best day. Chandler: Your work makes me sad. Ross: Oh man! I want that place so much!! I was so sure that was gonna work! There's twelve bucks I'll never see again! Rachel: All right honey, we'd better go if we wanna catch that movie. Monica: Bye! All: Bye! Phoebe: Bye Chandler! Chandler: Okay, did you see that?! With the inappropriate and the pinching!! Monica: Actually, I did! Chandler: Okay, so now do you believe that she's attracted to me? Monica: Ohhh, oh my God! Oh my God! She knows about us! Chandler: Are you serious? Monica: Phoebe knows and she's just trying to freak us out! That's the only explanation for it! Chandler: Okay but what about y'know my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps—She knows! Commercial Break Chandler: Joey! Joey: Yeah? Chandler: Phoebe knows about us! Joey: Well I didn't tell them! Monica: Them?! Who's them? Joey: Uhhh, Phoebe and Joey. Monica: Joey! Joey: And Rachel. I would've told you but they made me promise not to tell! Chandler: Oh man! Joey: I'm sorry! But hey, it's over now, right? Because you can tell them that you know they know and I can go back to knowing absolutely nothing! Monica: Unless… Joey: No! Not unless! Look this must end now! Monica: Oh man, they think they are so slick messing with us! But see they don't know that we know that they know! So… Chandler: Ahh yes, the messers become the messies! Ross: Noooo. Rachel: Oh Ross, honey you gotta stop torturing yourself! Phoebe: Yeah, why don't you just find another apartment? Ross: Look I've already looked at like a thousand apartments this month and none of them even compares to that one! Rachel: Y'know what you should do? Ross: Huh? Rachel: You should find out what his hobbies are and then use that to bond with him. Yeah! Like if I would strike up a conversation about say umm, sandwiches. Or uh, or my underwear. Joey: I'm listening. Rachel: See? Ross: That is a great idea! And! I know Ugly Naked Guy because we've been watching him for like five years so that gives me back my edge! Oh, let's see now he had the trampoline. Phoebe: He broke that. Ross: Well, he had gravity boots. Rachel: Yeah, he broke those too. Joey: So he likes to break stuff. Ross: Okay, I've got to go pick up Ben but I-I will figure something out. Hey, didn't he used to have a cat? Phoebe: I wouldn't bring that up, it would probably just bum him out. Joey: Yeah, poor cat, never saw that big butt coming. Ross: Right. Rachel: Hello! It's Chandler. Phoebe: Hello you. Chandler: Hello Phoebe, I've been thinking about you all day. Phoebe: Eh? Chandler: Well you know that thing you said before, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued. Phoebe: Really? Chandler: Yeah, listen, Joey isn't gonna be here tonight so why don't you come over and I'll let you uh, feel my bicep. Or maybe more. Phoebe: I'll have to get back to you on that. Okay, bye! Oh my God! He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more! Rachel: Are you kidding?! Phoebe: No! Rachel: I can not believe he would do that to Mon—Whoa! Joey, do they know that we know? Joey: No. Rachel: Joey! Joey: They know you know. Rachel: Ugh, I knew it! Oh I cannot believe those two! Phoebe: God, they thought they can mess with us! They're trying to mess with us?! They don't know that we know they know we know! Joey, you can't say anything! Joey: I couldn't even if I wanted too. Ross: Good evening, sir. My name is Ross Geller. I'm one of the people who applied for the apartment. And I-I realize that the competition is fierce but—I'm sorry. I, I can't help but notice you're naked and I applaud you. Man, I wish I was naked. I mean, this-this looks so great. That is how God intended it. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica and Rachel and Phoebe are planning their respective strategies to break the other pairing. Joey is not amused. Monica: Look at them, they're-they're panicked! Chandler: Oh yeah, they're totally gonna back down! Monica: Oh yeah! Phoebe: All right. All right! If he wants a date? He's gonna get a date. All right, I'm gonna go in. Rachel: All right. Be sexy. Phoebe: Please. Phoebe: So Chandler, I-I'd love to come by tonight. Chandler: Really? Phoebe: Oh absolutely. Shall we say, around seven? Chandler: Yes. Phoebe: Good. I'm really looking forward to you and me having sexual intercourse. Joey: Hey-hey, check it out! Check it out! Ugly Naked Guy has a naked friend! Rachel: Oh yeah! All: Yeah, it is! Naked Ross!! Rachel: Show time! Phoebe: Okay, Rachel, get me perfume! Rachel: Okay! Phoebe: And Joey, get me a bottle of wine and glasses? Monica: All right, it'll be great! You just make her think you wanna have sex with her! It'll totally freak her out! Chandler: Okay, listen, how far am I gonna have to go with her? Monica: Relax, she-she's gonna give in way before you do! Chandler: How do you know?! Monica: Because you're on my team! And my team always wins! Chandler: At this?! Monica: Just go get some! Rachel: Okay honey, now I'm gonna try to listen from right here! Phoebe: Okay. Rachel: Okay? Whoa, wait! Phoebe: Good idea! Rachel: Yeah, oh wait! Phoebe: Oh now, don't give away the farm! Chandler: Phoebe. Phoebe: Chandler. Chandler: Come on in. Phoebe: I was going too. Umm, I brought some wine. Would you like some? Chandler: Sure. Phoebe: So, here we are. Nervous? Chandler: Me? No. You? Phoebe: No, I want this to happen. Chandler: So do I. Chandler: I'm gonna put on some music. Phoebe: Maybe, maybe I'll dance for you. Chandler: You look good. Phoebe: Thanks! Y'know, that when you say things like that it makes me wanna rip that sweater vest right off! Chandler: Well, why don't we move this into the bedroom? Phoebe: Really? Chandler: Oh, do you not want to? Phoebe: No. No! It's just y'know first, I wanna take off all my clothes and have you rub lotion on me. Chandler: Well that would be nice. I'll go get the lotion. Chandler: Listen, this is totally getting out of hand! Okay? She wants me to put lotion on her! Monica: She's bluffing! Chandler: Look, she's not backing down! She went like this! Phoebe: He's not backing down. He went to get lotion. Joey: Oh man! Aren't you guys done yet?! I wanna sit in my chair! Rachel: Joey look, just look at it this way, the sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler the sooner this is all over and out in the open. Joey: Ooh! Rachel: Okay! Joey: I like that! Phoebe: Joey! Wow, you didn’t rip off any buttons. Joey: It's not my first time. Monica: You go back out there and you seduce her till she cracks! Chandler: Okay, give me a second! Did you clean up in here? Monica: Of course. [Cut back to the living room. Chandler slowly exits the bathroom and gets pushed from behind by Monica and sees Phoebe closing the apartment door.) Chandler: Oh, you're-you're going? Phoebe: Umm, not without you, lover. So, this is my bra. Chandler: It's very, very nice. Well, come here. I'm very were gonna be having all the sex. Phoebe: You should be. I'm very bendy. I'm gonna kiss you now. Chandler: Not if I kiss you first. Phoebe: Ooh. Chandler: Well, I guess there's nothing left for us to do but-but kiss. Phoebe: Here it comes. Our first kiss. Chandler: Okay! Okay! Okay! You win! You win!! I can't have sex with ya! Phoebe: And why not?! Chandler: Because I'm in love with Monica!! Phoebe: You're-you're what?! Chandler: Love her! That's right, I…LOVE…HER!!! I love her!! I love you, Monica. Monica: I love you too Chandler. Phoebe: I just—I thought you guys were doing it, I didn't know you were in love! Joey: Dude! Chandler: And hats off to Phoebe. Quite a competitor. And might I say your breasts are still showing. Phoebe: God! Joey: All right! So that's it! It's over! Everybody knows! Monica: Well actually, Ross doesn't. Chandler: Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet. Ending Credits Ross: A new place for a new Ross. I'm gonna have you and all the guys from work over once it's y'know, furnished. Dr. Ledbetter: I must say it's nice to see you back on your feet. Ross: Well I am that. And that whole rage thing is definitely behind me. Dr. Ledbetter: I wonder if its time for you to rejoin our team at the museum? Ross: Oh Donald that-that would be great. I am totally ready to come back to work. I—What? GET OFF MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!! End Written by: Adam Chase Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Ross: Chandler!!! Chandler!!! Chandler, I saw what you were doing through the window! Chandler, I saw what you were doing to my sister! Now get out here! Chandler: Monica: What are you doing?! Chandler: Oh, I'm going on the lamb. Monica: Come on Chandler, come on, I can handle Ross. Hey Ross. What's up bro? Ross: What the hell are doing?!! Rachel: Hey, what's-what's going on?! Chandler: Well, I think, I think Ross knows about me and Monica. Joey: Dude! He's right there! Ross: I thought you were my best friend, this is my sister! My best friend and my sister! I-I cannot believe this! Chandler: Look, we're not just messing around! I love her. Okay, I'm in love with her. Monica: I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way. I'm sorry, but it's true, I love him too. Ross: You guys probably wanna get some hugs in too, huh? Big news! Rachel: Awww, no, it's okay, we've actually known for a while. Ross: What? What? What?! You guys knew? You all knew and you didn't tell me?!! Rachel: Well, Ross, we were worried about you. We didn't know how you were going to react. Ross: Joey: Okay, all right, whew! What do you say we all clear out of here and let these two lovebirds get back down to business? Hey-hey-hey, I-I-I'm just talking here, he-he's the one doing your sister. Opening Credits Ross: Hey, you know what I just realized? If you guys ever have kids… Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa! We're having kids?! Joey: I call Godfather! Ross: You can't just call Godfather. Don't you think her brother should be Godfather? Joey: Sure, if you cared enough to call it first. Monica: Guys, you're a few steps ahead of us. Chandler: Yeah, big zero gravity moon steps. Rachel: Oh! Oh, I just thought of the greatest wedding gift to get you. Phoebe: Ooh, I'll go in on that with you! I couldn't think of anything. Rachel: Okay. Joey: Oh, hey Katie! Everyone, this is Katie. Katie: Hi! All: Hi! Joey: So, are you ready to go? Katie: Yeah, I just gotta run to the bathroom. Joey: Oh sure, right back there. Katie: Hey, where are we going to lunch? Joey: I was thinking Chinese food. Katie: Ohh, I love Chinese! How did you know I love Chinese?! Rachel: She is so cute! You could fit her right in your little pocket! Joey: I don't know. I mean I like her a lot, and she's really nice, but… Monica: But what? Joey: She keeps punching me. Monica: In that cute, little, sweet way she just did? Joey: Hey, it's a lot harder than it looks! Okay? She-she-she's hurting me. Monica: I know what you need, you need a bodyguard. Hey Ross, what is Ben doing after preschool? Chandler: Hey listen, come on, Joey is having a problem! A little girl is beating him up. Rachel: Aww, Joey, come here. Look honey, I know this must be really, really difficult for you and I--Oh, I'm sorry. Am I hurting you? Ross: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! I brought you some house warming gifts. Ross: Aww. Phoebe: Yeah. Salt, so your life always has flavor. Ross: Huh. Phoebe: Bread, so you never go hungry. Ross: Ohh. Phoebe: And a scented candle for the bathroom, because well, y'know. Ross: Thanks. Thanks. And thanks again. Phoebe: Yeah! Guy: Hi! Ross: Hi! Guy: Welcome to the building. I'm uh, Steve Sarah; I'm president of the tenants committee. Ross: Oh hi! Ross Geller. And this is my friend Phoebe. Steve: Oh hi Phoebe. Phoebe: Mr. President. Steve: I came to talk to you about Howard. Ross: Howard? Steve: Yeah, he's the handy man. He's gonna be retiring next week and everyone who lives here is kicking in a 100 bucks as a thank you for all the hard work type of thing. Ross: Oh that's nice. Steve: Yeah. So, do you want to give a check? Or… Ross: Oh. Uhh… Steve: Oh look, you don't have to give it too me right now! You can slip it under my door. Ross: No-no, it's not that, it's just… I-I just moved in. Steve: Well, the guy's worked here for 25 years. Ross: Yes, but I've lived here for 25 minutes. Steve: Oh, okay, I get it. Ross: No wait, look. Look! I'm sorry, it's just I've never even met Howard. I-I mean I don't know Howard. Steve: Howard's the handy man! Ross: Yes but too me he's just, man. Steve: Okay, fine, whatever. Welcome to the building. Ross: Ugh, can you believe that guy! Phoebe: Yeah. I really like his glasses. Ross: …so then President Steve told everyone that I was a cheapskate, and now the whole building hates me! A little kid spit on my knee! Y'know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna throw a party. That's right. For everyone in the building, and I'm gonna sit them down and explain to them, I am not a bad guy. I am not a cheap guy! I'm just a guy who-who stands up for what he believes in. A man with principles. Chandler: Sounds like a fun party. Rachel: Hmm. Look, Ross, if you want your neighbors to like you, why don't you just pay the hundred bucks? The party's gonna cost you way more than that. Ross: It doesn't matter! It's my principles! We're talking about my principles! Rachel: Okay, I thought it was about your neighbors liking you. Ross: Oh, they'll like me. Once they come to my awesome PAR-TAY! Okay, I gotta run. I gotta go get some nametags. Rachel: And that crazy party animal will be your brother-in-law. Chandler: Very, very funny, but don't say things like that in front of Monica. I don't want you putting any ideas in her head. Rachel: Umm, Chandler, you do realize that those ideas are probably already in Monica's head. Chandler: Wh-wh-why?! Rachel: Well, because she loves you and because you love her. Chandler: Yeah, so, what's that supposed to mean?! Rachel: Hey, Chandler, don't freak out! I'm telling you something you already know! Come on, she broke up with Richard because he didn't want to have babies. And she's a woman, and she's almost 30, and y'know it's Monica. Chandler: I don't see it that way. Okay? Because, I see two Monicas, the one that was my friend, who lived across the hall, and wanted to have a lot of babies and then the new Monica, who I just started to date. Now, who's to say what she wants?! I’m right. I'm right. Am I right? Rachel: No, you're right, you are absolutely right. I mean that makes, that makes everything different. Chandler: Okay. It's not different at all, is it? Rachel: Not unless different means the same. Katie: You were so funny with that waiter! You're such a nut! Joey: Y'know, breadstick fangs are always funny. Katie: No, you make them funny. You're the funny one! Joey: Uhh, look Katie, uh listen, we-we need to talk. Okay? Umm, look I like you. I-I really do, I like you a lot. Okay? But sometimes when you, when you playfully punch me like that it-it feels like someone's hitting me with a very tiny but very real bat. Katie: Aww, like I could hurt you. Are you making fun of my size? Don't make fun of me because of my size! Monica: Isn't this great? Chandler: Hmm. Monica: Couldn't you just stay like this forever? Chandler! Couldn't you just stay here forever? Chandler: Yeah, here, somewhere else, y'know where-where ever. Monica: Are you okay? Chandler: Yeah, I'm cool. Casual. Monica: What-what are you doing? Chandler: I'm just hanging out. Y'know, having fun. Y'know with the girl that I'm seeing casually. Monica: Man, I knew it! I knew you were going to do this!! Chandler: What?! Monica: Get all freaked out because everybody was talking and just joking around about marriage and stuff. Chandler: Well, you do want all that stuff, right? Monica: Oh and you know what I want! Chandler: Yes! You want babies! You have baby fever! Monica: I do not have baby fever! Chandler: Oh please, you are obsessed with babies and-and marriage and everything that's related to babies and-and marriage! I've got an idea, why don't we turn down the heat on this pressure cooker?! Monica: Have you lost your mind? Chandler, this isn't about me! This is about you and all your weird relationship commitment crap! Chandler: Nah-uh! I know you! Okay? I know the thoughts that you have in the head--in your head! Monica: You don't know everything. Did you know that I'm going out with Rachel tonight instead of you? Hmm? And did you know that the only baby around here is you?! And did you know that I can't even look at you right now?! Chandler: Well, I did not know that. Commercial Break Chandler: It's gonna be okay, right? I mean she's not gonna leave me? This is, this is fixable. Ross and Joey: Oh yeah, yeah, sure. Absolutely. Chandler: By me? Ross: Oh, no! Joey: No-no. Ross: Well, unless you make some kind of big gesture. Joey: Yeah, big! Joey: Uh-oh, shht! The Misses. Monica: Gunther, can I get a coffee to go? Chandler: Monica. Monica: I'm still not done not wanting to talk to you. Chandler: Just tell me what I need to do to make things right. Monica: What?! Chandler: Well, that's what we do. Y'know, I-I mess up and then you tell me how to fix it and then I do and then y'know you think I'm all cute again. Monica: Really? I'm really tired of being your relationship tutor. You're gonna have to figure this one for yourself. All right? Y'know what? If you're too afraid to be in a real relationship, then don't be in one. Party Guests: Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Yay!! Ross: Phoebe! Phoebe: Oh, hi Ross! Ross: What are you doing? Phoebe: Oh, I thought this was your party and it turns out it’s a party for Howard. He's just the sweetest little man! Guest #1: See ya Phoebe! Oh and hey, thanks for chipping in! Ross: You chipped in?! Phoebe: Yeah, uh-huh, a 100 dollars. Ross: Phoebe! I can't believe you gave them money! I thought you agreed it was totally unreasonable that they asked me for that money! Phoebe: Yeah, but they didn't ask me! Y'know? This way I'm just y'know, the exotic, generous stranger. That's always fun to be. Ross: Yeah, but you're making me look bad! Phoebe: No I'm not. No! If anything I'm making you look better! They'll see you talking to me and that's--I'm a hit! Steve: Oh hey, Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey! Steve: Oh hey, Ross. Umm, see, I was thinking maybe you two could switch apartments because Phoebe's more our kind of people. Something to think about. Phoebe: Yeah, okay, my bad. Joey: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Wow! You look, you look…big. Joey: Thanks! I've been working out. Hey listen, is it obvious that I'm wearing six sweaters? Rachel: Uhhh, yeah. But it's not obvious why. Joey: Well look, I’m breaking up with Katie so I had to put on some extra padding. Y'know? I mean, if she hits me when she's happy, can you imagine how hard she's gonna hit me when I tell her I'm taking away the Joey love? Katie: Hi! Joey: Hey! Hiya! Rachel: Hey! Hey, cute jacket! Katie: Oh, thanks! That's so sweet! Rachel: Oh! Ow! Katie: Oh, ow! Did Joey tell you to say that? You guys, Rachel: Whoa! Katie: Ohh, Joey has the nicest friends! Rachel: Ohh, and the nicest girlfriend! Katie: You're so sweet! Rachel: Ohh, you're so sweet! Katie: Oww!!!! Joey, she just kicked me. Joey: Huh. Katie: Well? Aren't you gonna do something? Joey: Uhh…. Katie: You'd better do something, or I'm gonna walk out that door right now! Well? Are you gonna? Joey: Nah. Ross: Phoebe? Phoebe: Ross: Phoebe? Phoebe? Phoebe: Ooh. Ross: Look, this is a disaster! Can't I please just go? Phoebe: No! No! I'm talking you up to people. Just give it a little time, all right? Relax, get something to eat! Okay? Ross: So uh, what did you tell them about me? Phoebe: Oh, I was telling them about you and Emily. Y'know, try to get some sympathy. Ross: Ohh. Phoebe: But somehow you came off as the bad guy. Ross: What?! Phoebe: Yeah, I think I told it wrong. Y'know, we should talk about that because I don't totally understand what happened there. Ross: Ohh, this cake is really good! Phoebe: Oh, okay, see? Things are looking up already! Guest #2: Who would do a think like that? Steve: 3-B! All: Oh yeah, aww! Steve: Okay, you got your free food! You ruined everyone's fun! Don't you think it's time you went home?! Guest #3: Yeah, leave! All: Yeah, get out! Now! Steve: Go back to 3-B, 3-B! Phoebe: All right, everyone calm down! Everyone calm down! I have something that I would like to say! Who here likes Ross? cradle robbing perv! So, I think you all know what I mean. Phoebe: Obviously I didn't think they were gonna start throwing things. I just thought if I kept insulting everyone, you would jump in and defend everyone and then you could look like the hero. Ross: Oh wow, yeah! See, I did not get that. Chandler: Where's Monica?! Where is she? I need to talk to her! It's urgent! Is she here? Monica: I'm Monica. Chandler: I need to talk to you, it's urgent! Monica: Okay. Chandler: Okay, I've been doing a lot of thinking about us, y'know a lot of uhh, us thinking. And uh, well I guess there's only one-one way to do this. Monica: Wait what-wh-wh-what are you doing?! Chandler: Monica… Monica: No-no, don't-don't-don't do it! Chandler: Will you marry me? Ross: Oh-no. No. No. Joey: What a bad idea! Rachel: Ohhhh, I cannot look at it! Monica: Chandler, why are you doing this? Chandler: I don't know. But I know I'm not afraid to do this. Monica: Chandler. Chandler: I'm doing this because I'm sorry? Monica: Do you umm, you really think the best reason to get married is because you're sorry? Chandler: No, the best reason to get married is pregnancy. Sorry is pretty much fourth y'know, behind being ready and actually wanting to get married. Will you be my wife? Monica: Chandler, umm, I want you to take just a minute and I want you to think about how ridiculous this sounds. Chandler: Yeah, I'm kinda wishing everyone wasn't here right now. Monica: Honey! Do you know that none of that stuff came from me?! I mean I never said I wanted to have babies and get married right now! Chandler: Yeah I know, but I was really confused and then I talked to these guys. Monica: Who? Two divorces and Joey?! Ross: Hey! Joey: She's right y'know. Ross: Yeah, but still, cheap shot! Monica: Y'know what? Y'know when I said that I want you to deal with this relationship stuff all on your own? Well, you're not ready for that. Chandler: I didn't think I was! Monica: Oh my God, what would have done if I said yes? Chandler: Well I would've been happy because I would've be able to spend the rest of my life with the woman that I love. Or, you would've seen a Chandler shaped hole in that door. Ending Credits Joey: Hey Ross, will you pass me that knife? Ross: No, I will not! Joey: Oh, it's okay. You don't have to be so mean about it. Ross: You're right, I'm sorry. Will you marry me? Phoebe: Aw, and I was gonna ask you to marry me because I forgot to say hello to you last week. Rachel: Oh no wait Pheebs, I think for something like that you just ask them to move in with you. But I'm not sure, Chandler? Chandler: Okay, how long is this going to go on. Monica: Well I think the length of teasing is directly related to how insane you were so, a long time. Ross: This is fun. Hey Rach, remember that whole "We were on a break thing?" Well, I'm sorry, will you marry me? Chandler: That's not funny. Joey: That's not funny at all! End Story by: Alicia Sky Varinaitis Teleplay by: Gigi McCreery & Perry Rein Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Monica: Hey! Joey: What are you guys doing up? Chandler: Oh, we wanted to finish the crossword before we went to bed. Hey, do you know a six-letter word for red? Joey: Dark red. Chandler: Yeah, I think that's wrong, but there's a Connect the Dots in here for you later. Hey, how about maroon? Monica: Joey: Aww, you guys are so cute! Monica: I know. Joey: All right, I'll see you in the morning. Chandler and Monica: Okay. Dream Monica: Y'know, I love doing crossword puzzles with you honey! Dream Joey: Aww, me too. Now let's finish this and go to bed. Dream Monica: Okay! There's only one left, three letter word, not dog but… Dream Joey: Cat. Dream Monica: Yes! You are so smart! I love you. Dream Joey: I love you too. Opening Credits Rachel: Uhh, we still need a tip. Phoebe: All right. Hold on. How much more do we need? Rachel: A couple of bucks. Phoebe: Okay, dime! Oh my God, this is a police badge! Monica: Wow! Chandler: Oh that's so cool! Why would a cop come in here though? They don't serve donuts. Y'know what actually, could you discover the badge again? I think I can come up with something better than that. Rachel: Phoebe, I bet somebody's missing that badge. Phoebe: Yeah, I should probably take it back. Ooh, but you know what? While I'm at the police station, I could check their Ten Most Wanted lists because my friend Fritzy has been like number 11 forever, so this could be her year! Joey: Hey, you guys! Chandler: Hey! Rachel: Hey Joey! Monica: Hey. Joey: Hey. That uh, that my sweatshirt? Monica: Oh yes, it is. I'm sorry I borrowed it, I was cold. I hope its okay? Joey: Well uh, it's just that uh, y'know if-if you're gonna be wearing someone's sweatshirt shouldn't it be your boyfriends--and I’m not him. Monica: I'm sorry, I'll give it back to you. Joey: No-no! No! I mean it's gonna be all smelling like Monica! Monica: Are you saying I smell bad? Joey: No! No, you smell like a meadow. Monica: What's with him? Chandler: Oh, y'know what? The last time Joey went to a meadow, his mother was shot by a hunter. Rachel: Ugh! Ross: "Come here to me!" Rachel: What?! You say that to kids?!! Ross: No! No! No! The "Come here to me" is y'know for the ladies. Rachel: Ross, honey, it's a nice couch. It's not a magic couch. The Salesman: You picked a great couch. Ross: Yeah? The Salesman: Yeah. Could you just sign right here please? Ross: Oh, sure. Whoa-whoa, what's this? The delivery charge is almost as much as the couch! Rachel: Wait! No, that's ridiculous. Come on, he lives three blocks away! Ross: Yeah, y'know what? I'll take it myself, thank you! Rachel: Yeah! Are you kiddin'? Ross: Oh, come on it's only three blocks! And-and, it's not very heavy, try it! Come on! Come on! Rachel: Oh. Oh! I can do it! Ross: Yeah! The Salesman: You two are really gonna enjoy that couch. Ross: Oh yeah, we're uh, yeah we're not together. The Salesman: Ohh, okay. Rachel: Ross! Ross: What's that supposed to mean? Rachel: Ross! The Salesman: Well you, her, I mean, she's very…y'know. And you're like…y'know. Ross: Not that it's any of your business, but we did go out. The Salesman: Really? You two? Ross: Yeah! Rach? Rachel: Come on, I don't really want to be doing this right now. I am carrying a very heavy couch. Ross: Then tell him quickly. Rachel: We went out. Ross: Not only did we go out, we did it 298 times! Rachel: Ross!! Oh my--ugh!! You kept count?! You are such a loser! Ross: A loser you did it with 298 times! Phoebe: Oh. Oh! Ma'am? Excuse me, ma'am? The Smoking Woman: Yes? Phoebe: You can't put your cigarette out on a tree! The Smoking Woman: Yeah I can, it worked real well. Phoebe: No but you shouldn't! Don't ever do that again. The Smoking Woman: I won't! Until I have my next cigarette. Phoebe: Hold it! N.Y.P.D! Freeze punk! The Smoking Woman: What?! Phoebe: Yeah that's right you are so busted. Book 'em. The Smoking Woman: Who are you talking too? Phoebe: Save it Red! Unless you wanna spend the night in the slammer, you apologize to the tree. The Smoking Woman: I am not going to apologize to a tree! Phoebe: You apologize to the tree right now or I am calling for backup. Backup! Backup!! The Smoking Woman: I-I'm sorry! Sorry. Phoebe: Okay, cancel backup! Cancel backup! Ross: Okay. Rachel: Ross, didn't you say that there was an elevator in here? Ross: Uhh, yes I did but there isn't. Okay, here we go. Ross: Okay, go left. Left! Left! Rachel: Okay, y'know what? There is no more left, left! Ross: Oh okay, lift it straight up over your head! Straight up over your head! You can do it! You can do it! Okay. You got it? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Good-good-good. Rachel: Oh-oh! Ross: Yeah, you got it right? You got it right? You got it? Rachel: Any chance you think the couch looks good there? Phoebe: …so this guy was all It was just so cool! Monica: Phoebe, you were supposed to take that back! Phoebe: I know but I'm having so much fun doing good deeds. Chandler: Okay, but impersonating a police officer is a serious thing. You could get arrested. Phoebe: You could get arrested, right now! Phoebe: Hey. Joey: Oh. Chandler: Hi, Joe. Joey: Yeah, I didn’t know you guys were going to be here. Monica: Hey Joey, sweetie, taste this. Joey: What?! Why?! Monica: What is going on with you? Joey: Nothing! Chandler: Oh, come on! You've been acting strange all day! Joey: All right! There is something. I kinda had a dream, Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-what-what if Martin Luther King had said that? I kinda have a dream! I don’t want to talk about it. Joey: Well, it involved Monica. Chandler: You had a dream about a girl that I am seeing?! Oh, that is so cool! Joey: Don't worry, there wasn't any sex in it or anything. I haven't dreamt about her like that since I found out about you two--ish. Monica: What was the dream about? Joey: Well, okay. You were my girlfriend and we were doing the crossword puzzle. Y'know like you guys were doing last night. So, that's it. I'm in love with Monica and I'll be moving out. Monica: Wait, Joey! Joey! That doesn’t mean that-that you're in love with me! Joey: It-it doesn’t? Monica: No! Chandler: No, it can mean anything. Like uh, all of the sudden you're jealous because I've become the apartment stud. Joey: That kinda sounds like your dream dude. Monica: Or, it could mean that-that you saw Chandler and me together and we y'know were being close and stuff and then you just want to have that with someone too. Joey: In the dream I did enjoy the closeness. Monica: Um-hmm. Chandler: Joey, look, are you attracted to Monica? Right here, right now, are you attracted to her? Joey: Not really. Chandler: Well there you have it! Monica: Well sure! I'm just wearing sweats! But that's good that you're not in love with me, because you just want a girlfriend! Joey: No, I don't think it's just about just getting a girlfriend. Y'know? I mean, yeah, I can get a girlfriend! Yeah, we could sit in the chair and do crosswords, but y'know are we ever going to have y'know the closeness like-like you guys have? Chandler: Well y'know, Monica and I were friends before we started dating. So maybe-maybe that's it? Joey: Friends first? That's interesting. Monica: You become friends after? Joey: No, never done that either. Rachel: Hey, umm, do you guys have that tape measure? Chandler: Oh yeah, it's actually in my bedroom. Monica: That's right. Rachel: What's up Joey? Joey: How you doin'? Commercial Break Phoebe: Excuse me, is this your car? Guy: Yeah. Phoebe: Well I don't think it's very nice of you to park here, y'know you're blocking the entrance. Guy: Don't worry about it. It's not a problem. Phoebe: Well, it's a problem for me, which means it's a problem for you 'cause I'm a cop. Guy: So am I! Phoebe: Ohh, no. Cop: Hey, wait a second! So wait, what precinct are you with? Phoebe: I-I'm with the umm, the 57th. Cop: Oh, I know a guy in homicide up there. Phoebe: I'm in vice. Yeah, in fact I'm undercover right now. I'm a whore. Cop: Who-who else is in vice up there? Phoebe: Umm, do you know, umm Sipowicz? Cop: Sipowicz? No, I don't think so. Phoebe: Yeah, big guy, kinda bald. Cop: No, I don't know him. Phoebe: Don’t try to call him or anything, 'cause he's not there, he's out. His umm, his partner just died. Cop: Wow umm, tell Sipowicz I'm real sorry for his loss. Phoebe: I-I sure will, take care. Cop: And where did you find my badge? Phoebe: Oh. Rachel: Hey! Joey, would you mind giving me and Ross a hand moving his couch? Joey: Oh, I'd love too, but I got acting class. But y'know what? I guess I can blow that off, for you. Rachel: Thanks! Joey: Uh, hey, Rach let me ask you something. Uh, I was just over there talking to Monica and Chandler, boy they are really tight. Rachel: I know. Joey: Yeah that's not such a bad situation they got going over there. I'm thinking of getting me one of those. Rachel: What's up Joe? Joey: Well, the reason I think Monica and Chandler are so great… Rachel: Yeah? Joey: …is because they were friends first. Y'know? So I asked myself, "Who are my friends?" You and Phoebe, and I saw you first. So… Rachel: What are you saying? Joey: I'm saying maybe you and I crank it up a notch. Rachel: Y'know honey, umm, as uh, as flattered as I am that uh, you saw me first, uhh, I just, I-I don't think we should be cranking anything up. Joey: I'll treat you real nice. Rachel: Yeah, well, y'know umm… No honey, listen I think it's a great idea to become friends with someone before you date them, but I think the way you do it is y'know you meet someone, become their friend, build a foundation, then you ask them out on a date. Don't hit on your existing friends! Joey: Won't-won't that take longer? Rachel: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, but once you find it, ohh it's so worth the wait. Joey: Yeah. I understand. I understand. Man, I wish I saw Phoebe first! Ross: Come here to me. No-no, you come here to me. Rachel: Hey Ross! I brought reinforcements. Ross: Oh great! What, you brought Joey? Rachel: Well, I brought the next best thing. Chandler: Hey! Ross: Chandler?! You brought Chandler?! The next best thing would be Monica! Chandler: Y'know, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong, so… Ross: Look, I-I drew a sketch about how we're gonna do it. Rachel: Whoa-oh, what's-what's that? Ross: Oh, that's me. Rachel: Wow! You certainly think a lot of yourself. Ross: No! That's-that's my arm! Chandler: Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch. Ross: Y'know what? Just-just follow my lead. Rachel: Okay! Chandler: Okay. Ross: Come on, Chandler. Ross: All right. Okay, here we go! Ross: All right, ready? Chandler: Yeah. Ross: Turn. Chandler: Okay. Ross: Turn! Turn! Chandler: Okay, I don't think we can turn anymore! Rachel: Ross, I don't, I just don't think it's going to fit. Ross: Oh yeah it will! Come on, up! Up-up-up! Up! Yes! Here we go! Pivot! Pivot! Piv-ot! Piv-et!! Piv-ett!!! Piv-et! Chandler: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!! Ross: Okay, I don't think it's going to pivot anymore. Chandler and Rachel: You think?! Ross: All right, let's uh, let's bring it back down and-and try again. Chandler: Okay, yeah, I think it's really stuck now. Ross: I can't believe that didn't work! Rachel: I know, me neither! I mean, you had a sketch! Chandler: Oh, y'know, what did you mean when you said pivot? Joey: Hey! Rachel: Hey! How's it going? Did you make any new friends? Joey: Yeah, yeah, I met this woman. Chandler: Hey, whoa-whoa! What's she like? Joey: Uhh, well, she's…really good in bed. Monica: Joey, I thought you were gonna try to be friends first! Joey: Well look, hey, it's all your fault! Rachel: What?! Why?! Joey: Well because you didn't give me advice! No! You gave me a pickup line! As soon as I told her I wanted to y'know, build a foundation and be friends first. I suddenly, through no fault of my own, became irresistible to her! And her roommate! Monica: What about the closeness? Joey: Closeness-shmoshness! There was three of us for crying out loud! Joey: All right! Hey, who wants pizza?! Chandler: Ooh, I do! I do! I do! Joey: Oh, great! Can you believe I found it on the second floor? Monica: Who is it? Voice: N.Y.P.D!! Phoebe and Joey: Oh my God! Joey: Uhh, just a minute officer!! Cop: I'm looking for Phoebe Buffay! Phoebe: Ooh, God, it's him! It's that cop! God, I can't believe it! He found me! Rachel: Oh my God, Phoebe, are you gonna go to jail?! Phoebe: Well, if I'm going down, I'm taking you Okay, you can arrest me. Fine. But you'll never make it stick and you know it! Cop: Yeah, but I kinda don't have a choice, it's my job. I mean, you understand right? Phoebe: Yep! As long as you understand that I'm going to call my lawyer and once he puts you on the stand he'll make you look like a fool. A fool! Cop: I don't like looking foolish. Y'know what? Maybe uh, I don't arrest you today. Maybe I came by and you weren't here. Phoebe: I would love it if I weren't here! Cop: Okay, so since umm, you're not going to jail tonight I was wondering if you would like to go to dinner with me? Phoebe: Me?! Cop: Yeah. Ever since you flashed my badge at me, I kinda can't stop thinking about you. You're the prettiest, fake undercover whore I've ever seen. Chandler and Joey: Nice! Phoebe: Wow! I didn't see that coming! You're-you're asking me out! Cop: Yeah. I mean, I coulda done it better, but these people keep staring at me. Phoebe: Umm, yeah, I'd like to go out with you officer… Cop: Gary. Phoebe: Gary. Gary: Okay, so it's a date. Phoebe: Yeah! So--ooh, I gotta ask you though. How did you know where to find me? Gary: Well you're fingerprints were all over my badge so I just ran it through the computer and this was listed as your last known address so I just checked it out. Phoebe: Ohh, impressive. Gary: Not as impressive as you. I gotta tell you, I looked at your record and you've done some pretty weird stuff. Phoebe: Yeah, we'll talk at dinner. Gary: Okay. So I'll come by in a couple hours and pick you up? Phoebe: All right, I can't wait! Gary: Okay. And don't worry, I'm not just gonna take you out for donuts. Chandler: He has a gun! Closing Credits Ross: I'd like to return this couch. I'm not satisfied with it. The Saleswoman: You wanna return this couch? It's cut in half! Ross: That's what I'm telling you. The Saleswoman: Did you cut this couch in half? Ross: This couch, is cut in half! I would like to exchange it for one that is not cut in half! The Saleswoman: You're telling me this couch was delivered to you like this?! Ross: Look, I am a reasonable man. I will accept store credit. The Saleswoman: I'll give you store credit in the amount of four dollars. Ross: I take it. End Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Rachel: Good, you guys are all here! Ross: Hey! What's up? Rachel: Well, I have a job interview at Ralph Lauren tomorrow! All: Congratulations! Ohh, that's great! Rachel: I know! Joey: Boy, that guy's underwear sucks! Rachel: Wh-what?! Joey: I got this pair marked excess, I gotta tell ya, there was no room for excess anything in there. Rachel: Anyway, I'm going to be the coordinator of the woman's collection, I'll work right under the director, it's the perfect, perfect job for me! Phoebe: Wow! Well, if you nail the interview, you'll get it! Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: You wanna work on your interview skills? Rachel: O-okay! Phoebe: Okay! All right, let's start with the handshake. Hi. Rachel: Hi. Phoebe: Very good handshake, good wrist action. Monica: Let me try. Phoebe: Okay. Monica: Did I squeeze it too hard? Phoebe: Let's just say, I'm glad I'm not Chandler. Opening Credits Joey: That's right Ross, I can see you in your new apartment! And you can see me! Same as yesterday, same as the day before. Monica: Is he doing his shark attack bit yet? Joey: Nope. Op, wait! There he goes. Joey: Whoa, maybe I was! Hey, Monica, this totally hot girl in Ross's building is flirting with me. Monica: Get in there man! Flirt back, mix it up! Joey: Yeah, I-I-I'm down with that. Okay, I-I-I'll be right over. Let's see, she's on the third floor… Monica: Wow! She is pretty, huh? Joey: Tell me about it, huh? Ross: Hey Joey! Great stuff huh? Joey: This is your place? Ross: Of course it is. Yeah, come on in. Ooh-ooh, go by the window you can pretend to be surfing. Joey: But I counted, you're not supposed to live here! Oh man! Joey: Ugh!! Monica: What happened? Joey: I ended up at Ross's place. Oh, I musta missed counted or something. Monica: No Joey, I think he's just watchin' TV. Gary's Radio: We've lost visual contact with the suspect. Gary: Okay, now I've really have to go! Phoebe: But it's just so unfair that our date has to get cut short just 'cause some guy shot at a store clerk. Gary: I know, but it's my job, sweethart! Phoebe: Okay, then maybe I can come too! Gary's Radio: Suspect has just emerged naked from the sewer. Phoebe: All right, you go. Gary: Bye-bye. Phoebe: 'Kay, bye! Phoebe: Oh God! Monica: What? Phoebe: Oh I just miss him so much! Monica: Wow! For just a week you guys are really close, huh? Phoebe: Yeah, it's weird. I can't help it though he's so sweet, he's like this little puppy dog, y'know? But like a really tough one that shots bad guys. Ohh, I just love beginning parts of relationships, y'know?! You just like can't keep your hands off each other. Monica: I know it is the best. Phoebe: So-so how long did that last for you and Chandler? Monica: What? It's still going on. Phoebe: Come on, seriously! When did it end? Monica: I-I am serious, I mean, we're, we're all over each other all the time. Phoebe: Okay, you know where you are better than I do. I was just curious. Monica: What don't you just calm down Phoebe! All right?! Why don’t you just get all your facts before you run around telling everybody that you're the only hot couple!! Phoebe: I was wrong obviously, I just—I misspoke. It's okay. Monica: Oh no, it is okay, I mean as long as you know that Chandler and I are also very hot and fiery, just as hot as you! I mean our flame, whew, is on fire! Chandler: Hey Monica, here's your broom back. Monica: You are so cute. Chandler: Oh hey, how'd the interview go? Rachel: Ugh, horrible! I did the stupidest, most embarrassing thing! Joey: Did you tell the guy you wanted to have sex with his wife and then fall right out of your chair? Rachel: No! Chandler: So what happened? Rachel: Ugh, it was horrible! And-and the interview part went so well, y'know? I even made him laugh. He said something about a boat and I was like, "Well, yeah! If you've got enough life jackets!" Trust me, it was actually, it was very funny. Anyway, so we were saying good-bye and ugh! Joey: What happened? Rachel: Joey: You kissed him?! Rachel: Well, I didn't know what else to do! Chandler: Well you coulda tried, not kissing him. Rachel: Thanks Chandler. Monica: Hey Rach, a guy from Ralph Lauren called, you got a second interview! Rachel: I can't believe it! I got a second interview! Monica: Yes! Joey: I bet that kiss isn't looking like such a big mistake now, is it? Rachel: What-what, wait a minute, you don't think that's why he wants me back? Joey: Yeah! No? Monica: A kiss? What are you talking about? Rachel: I accidentally kissed him in the interview, and now he wants me back y'know of course, 'cause "Let's bring the girl back who kisses everybody!" Chandler: Come on, Rach. Rachel: Oh my God! What if he thinks I'm the kind of girl that-that would just sleep with him? Monica: He probably wants you back because you're right for the job. Rachel: Maybe. I-I don't know—Oh God, how could I be so stupid?! Joey: Oh Rachel look, don't say that, I think you just need a hug from Joey. Come on. Come on. She's back! Hot girl's back! Rachel: Ohh, well I'm not totally back yet, but thank you. Joey: No, in Ross's building! Chandler: I gotta check out this hot girl! Joey: Damnit!! Did you move?! Ross: Yes. I lived with you guys for a while and then I found this place. I'm Ross. The Old Man: Yes? Joey: Uhh do you happen to have a hot girl in there? The Old Man: No. I'm all alone. Joey: Yeah. Sorry about that. Oh, hey little girl. Uhh, is-is your mommy, or sister, or babysitter by any chance a hot girl? The Little Girl: Daddy!! Joey: Later! Hot girl! Hot girl!! Mr. Zelner: Hi Rachel! Rachel: Hi! Mr. Zelner: Come on in. Mr. Zelner: It's really nice to see you again. Rachel: Thank you. Mr. Zelner: Rachel: What? Mr. Zelner: Just ah… Rachel: Excuse me? Mr. Zelner: Here let me… Rachel: Rachel: Ugh, you will not believe what that sleaze-ball from Ralph Lauren did too me! Rachel: Okay-okay that-that's amazing. How did you know that? Ross: You got ink on your lip. Rachel: Oh. Ohhhhhhhhh…. Chandler: So what do you say, maybe sometime I hold your gun? Gary: I don't know man, we're really not supposed to do that. Chandler: Oh, what can happen? I mean, would you… Gary: Yeah, I'm gonna say no. Monica: Phoebe, do you want to go see a movie after dinner tonight? Phoebe: Oh we can't, we already have plans. Monica: What are you doing? Phoebe: Well, same thing we did all day, hang out at Gary's apartment. He is so amazing, we never left the bedroom. But have fun at the movie. Monica: Oh, we're not seeing a movie! Phoebe: You're not? Then why did you ask us if we wanted to go? Monica: Oh umm, that's because I just wanted to y'know walk in on me and Chandler while we were, y'know, doing it all night. Will you excuse me for just a second? Phoebe: Yeah! Monica: Okay. Chandler? Can I see you for a second? Chandler: Uh, yeah. Monica: Okay. We have got to beat them! {Here we go yet again.} Chandler: Why? Monica: 'Cause, Gary and Phoebe think they're a hotter couple than we are! Chandler: Ohh, so? Monica: So! So we've got to go upstairs and have a lot of sex to prove them wrong! Chandler: Monica, you have got to stop this competitive thing! Okay? It's crazy. {Finally! The voice of reason.} I mean, just impress Gary and Phoebe we have to go upstairs and have sex over and over and I'm saying no to this, why? Get your coat. Commercial Break Ross: Hey! The Man: You should check this out, tell the other tenants. Apparently he's running around looking for some kind of a hot girl. Ross: Who isn't? Ross: I don't, I don't think we've meet. I-I'm Ross. The Hot Girl: I know. You're the guy who wouldn't chip in for the handyman. Ross: Nevermind! The Hot Girl: No, I-I actually thought it was unfair the way everyone reacted. I mean you had just moved in. Ross: I had just moved in. Thank you! Listen umm… The Hot Girl: Jen. Ross: Jen, I know this may sound a little… But uh, would you maybe wanna grab a cup of coffee sometime, or… Jen: Sure! That would be nice. Ross: Umm? Jen: Oh! My number is on there. Give me a call. Ross: I will give you a call. Jen: I'll see you later. Ross: Okay! Jen: I forgot my paper. Chandler: That was amazing! Monica: Phoebe and Gary are so gonna hear about this at dinner. Chandler: That was amazing. Monica: We are the hottest! Huh? No one is hotter than we are! You're the best. Chandler: No, you're the best. Monica: No, you're the best. Chandler: No, you're the best. Monica: I am the best. Joey: Monica: Hey Joey! Isn't that the girl that waved at you the other day? Joey: I don't know. But I can see through your sheet. Yeah, yeah, that's her. But y'know what? Doesn't matter, I'm never gonna get to meet her anyway. Monica: Why? Joey: Because it's impossible to find her apartment! She lives in some like of hot girl parallel universe, or something. Monica: What are you talking about? She obviously lives on the second floor, seventh apartment from the left! Joey: No. No. No. She lives on the third floor, eighth apartment from the left. Monica: No, those first two windows, that's the lobby. And y'know the other one over there, that's the stairway. You've been counting wrong. Joey: I did not know that! Thank you Monica. I can't believe I almost lost another girl because of counting. Ross: So uhh, you ready? Jen: Sure, I'll just get my coat. Could you get that? Ross: Sure. Joey… Joey: Dahhhhh!! Rachel: Ah, first, I-I would like to say thank you for agreeing to see me again. Mr. Zelner: That's quite all right, but I feel obligated to tell you that this meeting is being videotaped. Rachel: Okay. Umm, well, first I would like to start by apologizing for kissing you and uh, for yelling at you. Mr. Zelner: Fair enough. Rachel: Now you're probably going to hire one of the people who did not ah, courage again, and not litigious. Look Mr… Mr. Zelner: Zelner. Rachel: Zelner! Right! I knew that! I really, really want this job and I think, I think I would be really good at it. Mr. Zelner: Y'know what? I may regret this but uh, I'm going to give you a shot. Rachel: Oh! You are? Mr. Zelner: Um-hmm. Rachel: Really? Oh thank you! Oh… Oh, would it be completely inappropriate to give you a hug? Mr. Zelner: Yes! Rachel: Okay, well then how about a handshake? Phoebe: You tired Chandler? Monica: You better believe he's tired, after the day we had! If you know what I mean. You know what I mean? Chandler: Honey, the tortilla chips know what you mean. Gary: So uh Chandler, you like that badge I got you? Chandler: Oh yeah, it's so cool. Monica: Phoebe, you have a, a twig in your hair. Phoebe: Ohh, umm, we kinda took a little detour on the way over here. Gary: Yeah, we took a little stroll in the park and no one was around, so… Monica: You didn't! Phoebe: We did! We violated Section 12 Paragraph 7 of the criminal code! Monica: The park huh? A public place. Gary: Uh-huh. Monica: I hear ya. Excuse me for just a second! Monica: Hi Chandler. Chandler: Monica! This is the Men's room! Isn't it? Monica: Yes it is. You see I've always found the men's bathroom very sexual. Haven't you? Chandler: No. And if I did, I don't think we'd be going out. Monica, this is getting ridiculous! Monica: Come on, we can't let them win! Chandler: Ugh, we have already proved that we are hot! Okay? So why-why are you getting so obsessed about this thing?! Monica: Because Phoebe and Gary are in that-can't-keep-their-hands-off-each-other-doing-it-in-the-park phase! Chandler: So? Monica: I feel really sad that we're not…really there anymore. Chandler: Oh wow! Is that what this all have been about? Monica: Wasn't it a lot more exciting when we were y'know all over each other all the time? Chandler: Yeah that was great. That was really great! But to tell you the truth, I'm more excited about where we are right now. Monica: Really? Chandler: Yeah! I've never been in a relationship that's lasted this long before. Y'know to get past the beginning and still be around each other all the time, I think that's pretty incredible. And the fact that this is happening all with you, yeah I think that's pretty exciting. Monica: That is so sweet. I know that I was acting a little crazy but umm, I feel the same way. Chandler: Yeah? Monica: Yeah. Chandler: Y'know what I just realized? You just freaked out about our relationship. Monica: Did not. Chandler: Yes you did! Admit it! You freaked out! Monica: Okay, I freaked out a little. Chandler: Little?! You freaked out big time! Okay? And I fixed it! We have switched places! I am the relationship and king and you are the crazy, irrational screw up! And now we're back. Ending Credits Rachel: I cannot believe Ross is buying this! Monica: Thank God! I can't watch him anymore! Chandler: You guys ready fore the movies? Rachel: Yeah! Oh by the way, thank you for loaning us Pamela and Yasmine. Ross: End Written by: Michael Curtis Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Joey: Okay, pick a card. Chandler: Okay. Joey: All right now, memorize it. You got it? Chandler: Oh yes. Joey: Chandler: Yes. Carol: Hey guys! Ross: Hi! Chandler: Hi there! Ben: Hi!! Carol: Guess what? Ben is going to be in a TV commercial! Phoebe: What are you talking about?! Ross: Well, it's not for sure but umm, we met this guy in the park who thought Ben was really cute--y'know, which he is--so umm anyhoo, he uh, he gave us his card and told us to bring him down for this commercial he's auditioning. Joey: Man! I've been in that park a million times and no one offered me an audition. Ross: I know, it's crazy! We were just pushing Ben on the swings… Joey: I'm always on the swings! What am I doing wrong?! Chandler: That. Opening Credits Rachel: Okay, gotta go! Wish me luck! Joey: Luck! Chandler: Hey Rach, now that you're working at Ralph Lauren, can you bring me back some of those polo shirts? Rachel: Uh well, y'know what? I don't think if I feel comfortable stealing on my very first day… Chandler: Unwilling to steal from work, interesting. Monica: Besides, if anybody's gonna get free stuff, it's gonna be me. Rachel: Okay guys, way to wish me luck! All: Good luck! Go get 'em! Phoebe: Okay, let's discuss Rachel's birthday. I say we throw a surprise party this weekend. Joey: Whoa-whoa, but her birthday isn't like for another month. Phoebe: Yeah but if we throw her a party on her birthday, then it's not a surprise. Monica: I think it's a great idea. Yeah, we could have a dinner party and just invite her close friends. Joey: Ross!! We're having a surprise party for Rachel!! Ross: Okay!! Joey: Done. Phoebe: Okay, great so do you want to do it together? Monica: I would love to do it together! Joey: They're gonna do it together. Chandler: Dude! That's my girlfriend! Joey: What, so I gotta shut it down now? Ross: All right, I gotta take off. I'm picking up Ben then we're off to the big audition. Monica: It's gonna be weird to watch some actor pretending to be Ben's dad. Ross: Yeah. Chandler: Weirder than watching his two moms make out? Joey: Whoa-whoa dad? There's a dad in the commercial? Ross: Yeah the dad and Ben eat soup and pretend to enjoy it. Joey: Whoa, hey, maybe I'll go down there with ya and see if I can get an audition to play the dad. I mean who better to play Ben's father than his godfather. Ross: You're not his godfather. Joey: What?! Are you kidding?! Ross: Okay, let's go godfather. Joey: All right! Joey: Hey! I'm in, they're gonna let me audition! Ross: Really? That's great! Joey: I know! I know! It turns out that one of the casting ladies has actually seen me in a play, so I steered clear of her… Carol: Hey, that kid looks familiar. Joey: Oh yeah, yeah! He's done tons of commercials. I've seen him in like Sugar Smacks, Playstation, and that one for the phone company. In fact he was so good in that one, he actually convinced me to switch phone companies. Chandler was mad…. Ross: Yeah well, he's not gonna get this one. Ben is way cuter than that kid. I mean look at him, look at you, Joey: That's great. Listen, wouldn't it be great though if I got to play Ben's dad? Ross: Joey, you look nothing like Ben. Joey: I look more like him than you do! Carol: Y'know, I don't really know you well enough for you to do that. Kim: So it's down to these two, Nancy I know you like this one and I think I agree. Rachel, what do you think? Rachel: Well umm, that one is pretty but uh, I just, I just love this fabric Sorry. Kim: Oh don't be sorry, that's part of your job here to give your opinions and then I take credit for them--I'm kidding. Nancy: She is kidding, but don't ever disagree with her again. Okay, now I'm kidding! Rachel: Oh, what a fun office. Kim: I don't know which one, but I do know I need a cigarette. So what do you say we take a break, we go outside, and we'll figure this out when we come back? Kim: Rachel? Do you smoke? Rachel: Oh no, my dad's a doctor and he would always tell me just horror stories……about ghosts and goblins who totally supported the princess's right to smoke. Rachel: …and then they came back from smoking and they had made all of the decisions without me! Monica: That doesn't seem fair. Rachel: I know! It's like I'm being punished for not having this disgusting, poisoning habit! Chandler: Yeah, it is the best. Rachel: I mean what if this keeps happening? Y'know, they'll-they'll be outside smoking, making all the decisions and I'll just be up in my office breathing my stupid clean air, y'know? And then when the day comes when Kim wants to promote one of us, who do you think she's gonna pick? Me or Smokey Smokerson? Monica: Rachel, you can go down there, you don't have to smoke. Just say you wanna get some fresh air. Rachel: Yeah, I can do that. Chandler: Yeah, or you can do the easy thing and smoke. Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hey Rach, you wanna get some coffee? Rachel: I would love to! Phoebe: Oh good! Chandler: Yeah, I wanna go to babe. Phoebe: Oh good. Phoebe: Oh wait, I change my mind! Monica: Yeah, me too! Phoebe: Oh, look at that. Monica: All right, that's a little sketch of the cake, umm some sample menus, umm y'know what I thought we would start out with Tuscan style finger food, and for music, here's an alphabetized list of all my CDs! I've highlighted the ones that would go really good with the food. Phoebe: What happened to the intimate dinner party? Monica: Oh, we're not doing that. Okay… Phoebe: So wow, it looks like you took care of everything. Thanks a lot, co-host. Monica: What?! I didn't take care of everything, there's-there's plenty of things for you to do! Phoebe: Like what? Monica: Cups. Phoebe: Cups? You're giving me cups? Monica: And ice! Phoebe: Cups and ice? Ooh, I get to be in charge of cups and ice? All right. Fine, okay, I will be in charge of cups and ice! Monica: Wait a minute, I can get ice at the restaurant… Phoebe: I got it! Mine! Ross: Hi. Monica: Hey! How'd the audition go?! Ross: Not so good. Monica: Wait a minute, are you doing Joey's Yeah it did?" Ross: Yeah I am! Yeah, Ben got a second audition! Joey: Yeah, I had to teach Ross my bit because I actually didn't get a callback. Monica: You got a callback too didn't you? Joey: Yeah I did! Kim: Hey Rachel, what are you doing out here? Rachel: Oh well, it's kinda lonely up there, so I just thought I would come out here and get some fresh air. Kim: Nancy and I were talking about the fall collection. Rachel: Oh great! Kim: So anyway we really… Honey, we're just smoking all over you. Nancy: Oh, sorry! Rachel: Oh that's okay. Kim: No-no-no, we'll move you just stay right there. Nancy: So anyway I sent the designs over to Ralph and he's very excited about the line. Kim: Oh that's great! You are the best! Rachel: Excuse me, can I, can I bum one of those? Okay, okay, okay, what's so funny over here? Nancy: I thought you didn't smoke. Rachel: Oh, I thought you guys meant marijuana cigarettes, y'know? Y'know what I mean, like dubbies? And I actually, I thought to myself, "Wow, those guys are crazy!" But no, I actually smoke the regular ones all, all the time. Kim: We get high. Rachel: Oh, me too. Kim: I'm kidding. Rachel: Oh, me too. Ross: Oh God, this is so nerve wracking! How-how do you do this? Joey: Well, unfortunately, I don't get many callbacks so… Carol: Is it a good sign that they asked us to hang around after the audition? Joey: Who knows? The Casting Director: Okay uh, we have narrowed it down to Raymond, Ben, Kyle, and Joey. The rest of you, thank you very much. Ross: Yes!! I knew it!! Bye-bye! So long! Later! Joey: Oh this is great! I might actually get to play Ben's dad! Ross: Yeah! The Casting Director: Actually, that can't happen. Yeah because you all have such different looks, we're putting you with Raymond and Kyle with Ben. So it'll be either you two Joey: Man, this is gonna be kinda weird. Ross: Yeah, it is. Kyle: Yeah. It's gonna be weird. Ross: No, we-we're gonna be like best friends, that's why it's gonna be weird. Kyle: Oh, oh, I thought we were just talking. Commercial Break Phoebe: Hey! Ross and Chandler: Hi! Phoebe: Is it okay if I leave this stuff here 'til Rachel's birthday party? Chandler: Ah sure. What's in 'em? Phoebe: Umm, cups. Chandler: Oh good, because uh we got Rachel 800 gallons of water. Ross: Seriously that's a lot of cups. Phoebe: Yeah well, that's 'cause Monica put me in charge of cups and ice, and Monica is gonna rue the day that she put me in charge of cups and ice. Chandler: Y'know I rued the day once…didn't get a whole lot else done. Phoebe: Okay, time to bring up the rest of the cups. Oh, hi Joey! Joey: Hey Pheebs! Hey! Ross: Hey! Joey: Ross good, I'm uh glad you're here. I wanna talk to you about something. Ross: What's up? Joey: Well, I've been thinking about this whole commercial thing, y'know me going up against Ben, the two of us competing, and that can't lead to anything good. So, I think I'm just gonna step aside. I'm gonna tell them that I won't audition. Ross: Wow, uh, Joey that's-that's great. Thanks man. Joey: That's it? You're-you're gonna let me do this?! This-this is my career we're talking about here! Ross: Well, you just… Joey: I just said that so you wouldn't let Ben do it! Look Ross, if anyone should step aside it should be Ben! Ross: What?! Joey: What? Chandler! Tell 'em! Chandler: Ross: Why should Ben step aside? It was his audition in the first place! You-you just tagged along! You're like the uh, tag-a-long dad. Joey: At least I care about his feelings! Ross: What?! Joey: Do you know how hard this is gonna be on him when he doesn’t get it? Ross: And why wouldn't he get it? Joey: Oh, come on! Have you seen what my kid can do?! Huh?! I mean he dials phones! He-he-he eats tortilla chips! He-he plays soccer with the cartoon tiger! Ross: Are you saying your kid eats soup better than my kid? Joey: You just give him a spoon baby! Ross: Oh yeah? I guess we'll just see! Joey: Yeah! Because this commercial belongs to me and Mitch! Ross: You're kid's name is Raymond! Joey: Yeah?! So's yours! Monica: How did work go? Rachel: Oh it was great! It was great! I went down there just like you said, y'know? And we talked business. Kim totally took my opinions. Monica: You stink! Rachel: Thanks! Monica: No, I'm-I'm serious! Rachel: Well-well that's 'cause I went down there and they were all smoking. This is actually the smell of success. Chandler: Okay, there's something different though--Oh my God! You smoked! Rachel: I did not! Chandler: Yes you did! You look happy and sick; you smoked! Rachel: All right, fine! But I had too! I had to do it for my career! Chandler: I wish I had smoked for my career… Monica: That's so gross! Rachel: No well, no it's not that bad, y'know? I mean yeah, my tongue feels a little fuzzy and these fingers sort of smell, I actually feel like I can throw up. Chandler: Okay, but you gotta push past this because it is about to get so good! Monica: Chandler! I have to tell you, you smell so smokey I have to get up. I'm not kidding. Chandler: I think you smell great! Kim: So, we're decided, no on plaid, yes on pink? Nancy: Absolutely! Rachel: I am so on board! Kim: Rachel didn't you just light that? Rachel: Yeah, I did, but y'know what? I am really, really trying to cut back, y'know? Good luck, Rach. Nancy: I've actually been thinking about quitting lately. Kim: Oh sure, every Sunday night I'm telling myself I'm quitting but every Monday morning it's like Nancy: Tell me about it! Rachel: Well then let's just quit! We'll just quit! Let's all quit! Kim: It does sound appealing. Nancy: Oh, I never could do it. Rachel: Oh but you could. You can. Absolutely! We can help each other out! We can get--what are those--those patches! We could be like the Patch Sisters! Kim: Oh y'know, we really should quit. Okay, let's quit! Rachel: Yes! Great! Give me those cigs! Give it! Give it! Kim: My late husband gave me that lighter. I'm not kidding. Rachel: Okay then! Joey: Hmmm, soup! Hmm, soup! Carol: Joey, Ross is gonna be here any second, would you mind watching Ben for me while I use the ladies' room? Joey: Oh yeah, no problem. Carol: Thanks. Joey: Hi Ben! So you wanna be an actor huh? I gotta tell ya, it's no picnic. There's tons of rejection. No stability. One day you're Dr. Drake Remoray, the next day you're eating ketchup right out of the bottle. Ross: Joey! Joey: Ross! Ross: I mean, Ben! Ben! The Casting Director: Okay, Raymond, Joey you're up. Joey: Hi! The Casting Director: Okay, uh well, let's try one. Whenever you guys are ready. Joey: Uh-oh. The Casting Director: Is there a problem? Joey: Well this is noodle soup and uh, I've been working with tomato. But that's okay, no problem. No problem. Hmm, noodle soup. The Casting Director: Y'know, that's-that's fine, but the line is, "Hmm, soup." Joey: Oh, what did I say? The Casting Director: Hmm, noodle soup. Joey: How's that different? Oh! Yeah! The Casting Director: All right, let's try one. Joey: Hmm, noodle soup. The Casting Director: Okay. Let's do it again. Joey: Okay. Joey: Hmm, soup. I mean, noodle soup. I mean soup! Raymond: COME ON!!!! The Casting Director: Y'know what? We need to move on. Joey: No! No! I-I can do it one more time! See? Look! Rachel: Hey! Hey-hey-hey!! Kim: Uh-oh, busted! Rachel: Come on you guys! What are doing?! I thought we were the patch sisters! Kim: Yeah. That didn't work out. Nancy: Rachel we tried to quit, but it was too hard! Rachel: Well y'know if you, if you started smoking again you could've at least told me! Come on, give me one of those! What are we talking about? Kim: No. No! You're doing great! Don’t you give up! That's why we didn't tell you and we're not gonna drag you down with us. Rachel: Oh wait, no-no-no! Drag me down. Drag-drag me down. Kim: Forget it Rachel! We're both so proud of how well you're doing. I'm not gonna let you blow it. In fact, if I catch you with a cigarette, you're fired. So go on, get out of here! Go on, I don't want you breathing this stuff! Go on! Rachel: Okay. Kim: So, okay! So you'll come with me on the Paris trip. Rachel: Oh man! Phoebe: Chandler: Great job with the cups, Pheebs! Monica: Why don't you just go out with her! Phoebe: Ahhh! Mystical! Chandler: Awesome! Monica: Chandler! Everyone--no one's eating my Tuscan finger food 'cause they're all filling up on Phoebe's snow cones! Chandler: There are snow cones! Snow cones! Yuck! Monica: Y'know…go! Go! Right there! Chandler: Thank you! Thank you! Phoebe: Oh, look! Look! Look! All: Surprise!! Rachel: What?! What?! My birthday's not for another month! Monica: That's the surprise! Rachel: Oh my God! You guys this is so great! I mean it's so unexpected! I mean Chandler's birthday is even before mine! All: Surprise! Rachel: Wow! This is great! Look at all these cups! This is so weird. Phoebe: I was in charge of cups. Rachel: Oh, okay, not so weird. Ross: Hey! Joey: Hey. Ross: Listen man, uh, I'm sorry the audition didn't go so well. Joey: Yeah right! Ross: No really, I-I am! I feel bad! Joey: Yeah? Well look Ross, you don't have to. Okay? It's not your fault I suck. I mean what kind of an actor can't even say, "Hmm, noodle soup." Ross: Yeah y'know what? Maybe-maybe you didn't mess up your audition because you suck, maybe you messed up because you care more about uh, your godson. Joey: What you do mean? Ross: I think, sub-consciously… Joey: Wait-whoa-whoa, you lost me. Ross: I think on some level, you-you sabotaged your own audition so that Ben would get the part. Joey: Well, you're way sounds a lot better than mine. Yeah. Yeah! It's not that I'm a bad actor… Ross: No! Joey: No, it's just ah, I care so damn much about little Ben that uh, it was more important to see him succeed. Ross: There you go. Thank you! Joey: Thank you! So, did-did he get it? Ross: No. Joey: Eh, what are you gonna do? Ending Credits Chandler: Oh, hi! Excuse me, is uh Rachel Green here? I was supposed to meet her for lunch. Kim: Oh, she doesn't come down here any more. You can find her up on ten. Chandler: Okay, great. Kim: Chandler: I'll catch you guys later. End Written by: Doty Abrams Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Ross: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Ross: Wow! You look nice. What's the occasion? Chandler: Monica and I are celebrating our ten-month anniversary, we've got reservations at Ja George. Ross: Wow! How'd you get in there? Chandler: Made a few calls, pulled some strings, and they agreed to seat us at 11:30 if we both had the chicken and didn't get desert. Delivery Girl: Hi Chandler! Chandler: Hey Caitlin! Somebody got a haircut. Caitlin: Ugh, I hate it! I look like an 8-year-old boy. Chandler: Yeah, if that was true, gym class would've been a lot more interesting. Caitlin: It's uh, 27 dollars even. Chandler: Oh, okay. Here you go. Caitlin: Hey, where's the chicken? Chandler: Oh, he's in the back. The duck pissed him off, said that eggs came first. Caitlin: Great. I'll see you later! Chandler: Okay, bye! Ross: What the hell was that?! Chandler: What? Ross: The flirting! Aren't you supposed to be going out with, I don't know hmm, let's say my sister?! Chandler: I was not flirting. Ross: It was totally flirting. "Somebody got a haircut " Chandler: Okay first of all, the impression, uncanny. And second, that was not flirting, that was just casual conversation between two people. That is all. Ross: Yeah, right. Chandler: You wanna see flirting? I'll show you flirting. Ross: I'm good. Opening Credits Rachel: I am so proud of Joey, I can't believe he's going to be on Law & Order! Phoebe: I know. But don't you think that it should be called Order and Law? Rachel: No because first they arrest the guy and then they try him. Phoebe: Don't get me started on that. Chandler: I was not flirting. Ross: And on your anniversary, for shame! Rachel: What's going on? Ross: Chandler was hitting on the hot delivery girl! Chandler: I was not and oh God, shh! Ross: Well I'm sorry but you were! Okay? And besides if anyone should be hitting on her it's the guy who's single, the guy that who-who-who can do something about it. Phoebe: Sounds like somebody wants to be Mr. Pizza Delivery Girl. Ross: Well… Chandler: Is that what this is about? You like Caitlin? Rachel: Ross! We broke up two years ago; you've been married since then. I think it's okay that we see other people. Ross: Well, I-I was watching her the other day at the pizza place. Rachel: Hm-mmm. Ross: And she's just so sexy and funny and has the cutest little… Rachel: Okay, y'know what? We don't need her measurements. Phoebe: Okay pepperoni, pepperoni, pepperoni, okay Ross, I know she's pretty and you love her, but is she stupid?! She forgot my vegetarian! Ross: This is perfect! She'll have to come back here with your pizza, and when she does, I'll turn on the Charm-O-Ross. Oh I'm so glad you don't eat meat. Phoebe: See? Vegetarianism benefits everyone. Joey: Hey everybody, look who's here! You remember my grandmother! Rachel: Big night! Phoebe: This is so cool! Chandler: So, Joey on Law & Order, you must be very proud! Joey: Chandler, she doesn't understand a word of English. Chandler: I'm sorry, I thought you were Joey's other grandmother. I've done it again. Joey: She's my biggest fan. Yeah, she's the only one in the family that's believed in me. Joey: Yeah, I uh weighted like 27 pounds when I was born so… Monica: Hey! Happy Anniversary! Chandler: Happy Anniversary, 10 months! Monica: So umm, when I was in the shower I was thinking about our first night in London… Chandler: Uhh, Joey's grandmother is right there. Monica: Is that the one that speaks English or the one that doesn't? Chandler: The one that doesn't. Monica: That was some hot love you gave me! I'm gonna go get ready. Chandler: Hey, why don't you wear those earrings I gave you? Monica: That's a great idea! I was saving them for something special. Chandler: Okay. Monica: You have got to go home! Phoebe: But I like it here! Monica: You gotta go home and get the earrings that you borrowed from me okay? Chandler wants me to wear them tonight. Phoebe: Okay, well I think that they're in my purse. Why don't you go get dressed and I'll look for them. Monica: Great! Phoebe: Okay! Rach, hi, I need those earrings you borrowed. Rachel: Oh, umm, okay, yeah, I'll be, yeah I'll be right back. Joey: Wow Pheebs, you speak Italian? Phoebe: I guess so. Rachel: Here you go. Thank you! Phoebe: Wait, Rach! Where's the other one? Rachel: Oh what, you-you want both of them? Phoebe: Rachel Karen Green, where's the other earring?! Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, look, just don't freak out, but I kinda lost it. I know it's in the apartment, but I definitely lost it. Phoebe: Well, what am I going to tell Monica? She wants to wear them tonight! Rachel: Tell her to wear her own earrings. Phoebe: These are her earrings. Rachel: Nooo! Nooooo! You lent me Monica's earrings?! I'm not allowed to borrow her stuff! Phoebe: Why not? Rachel: Because I lose her stuff! Joey: Okay, see that blind guy right there? I'm gonna bash his head in later. Joey: Oh umm, my big scene is coming up. Big scene coming up. Chandler: If you said, "Big lima bean, bubbling up." Would she understand the difference? Monica: Rach? What are you doing? Rachel: Oh boy, I just can't watch. It's too scary! Monica: It's a diaper commercial. Rachel: Oh yeah well, you know me, babies, responsibilities, ahhh!!! Caitlin: Pizza delivery! Ross: I'll get it! I will get that! Caitlin: Hi! Ross: Hi! Caitlin: One uh, vegetarian pizza. That's $12.15. Ross: Oh. Uh, by the way, if it makes you feel any better. I happen to like 8-year-old boys. Caitlin: What?! Ross: The uh, your hair, before, your hair, you said you thought your looks like an 8-year-old's, and I'm just saying I like it. The hair. Caitlin: Oh. Thanks. Ross: You understand I don't actually like 8-year-old boys. Caitlin: Y'know, all I'm looking for is the money. Chandler: Here you go. Now stop bringing us pizzas you. Caitlin: I'm gonna try. Chandler: You're welcome. Ross: You couldn't let me have her, could ya?! Chandler: What? Ross: This is a girl that I really like and had too swoop in there! Monica: What's goin' on? Ross: Chandler was totally flirting with the hot delivery girl! Chandler: Thank you for that! I was not flirting. Monica: It's okay. I don't care. It's uh, it's fine. Ross: Really?! Chandler: Really?! Monica: It's no big deal, I do it all the time. Chandler: So umm, you-you flirt with guys all the time? Monica: Sure! It doesn't mean anything! Just like I know it doesn't mean anything with you! Chandler: Okay, but there is a big difference. You are a lot hotter than I am. Joey: Monica: Chandler, this actually bothers you? Chandler: Yes, it does bother me! And I think it would bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women? Rachel: Uhh, no, no, it bothered me when he slept with other women. Ross: And thank you, for that. Rachel: But y'know, I never really had anything to worry about. Ross was never very good at the flirting thing. Ross: What? What-what, what are talking about? It-it worked with you. Rachel: Oh! Y'know what? You're right! We meet, you flirted and then bamn nine years later you had me! Ross: All right, all right. You-you-you know what I'm going to do? I am going to order another pizza and when Caitlin gets here, you-you--I will show how well I flirt. Yeah! I will, I will get her phone number! And not the one on the menu! Phoebe: I found it! Rachel: Ohh! Thank God! Where was it? Phoebe: On your dresser. Rachel: Okay that is the one we already have! Joey: Okay, here's my big scene. My big scene's here! Oh my God. Monica: What? Joey: Okay, everybody just keep smiling. It'll kill my grandmother if she finds out. Chandler: Well, what is it? Joey: Oh, they cut me out of the show. Rachel: What?! Ross: Are you sure? Phoebe: Maybe your scene's coming up? Joey: Not likely.  'Cause you see that body bag right there Rachel: Yeah. Joey: I'm in it. Commercial Break Phoebe: This is terrible, what are you going to do? Joey: I don't know. This little, old lady lives for my career. When they dumped me off of Days of Our Lives she almost died. Phoebe: That's not good. Joey: Rachel: Joey, why don't you just tell her what happened? It's not your fault. Chandler: If we keep talking this way, aren't we gonna freak her out soon? Grandma Tribbiani: Joey: Soon, soon, I'm gonna be on soon. There I am! Grandma Tribbiani: No! Sam Waterston! Joey: No-no-no, that-that's me, that's me. Grandma Tribbiani: No, it's Sam Waterston! Crimes and Misdemeanors, Capricorn One. Chandler: Doesn't know, "Hello." But she knows Capricorn One. Monica: Phoebe! I have to have those earrings, we're going to leave as soon as the show is over. Phoebe: But I already gave them back to you! Monica: No you didn't. Phoebe: All right, I already didn't give them back to you, that's what I said. Where is that other earring? Rachel: It's not here Pheebs, it's not here. Ohh, I went to Joey and Chandler's last night! Okay! Phoebe: Make sure you check Chandler's jewelry box. Rachel: Wait a minute. Chandler has a jewelry box? Phoebe: Okay, we have like ten minutes. Do you want me to get into that now?! Ross: Hey Pheebs! How's that uh, vegetarian pizza working out for ya? You and those vegetables have a real thing going on, huh? Phoebe: Why are you being weird? Ross: Do you like it? Phoebe: No, that would be, "Why are you being cute?" Ross: Okay, I'm working on my flirting. Phoebe: Ohh! I did not get that. Chandler: So uh Monica, do you, do you like the Law & Order? Monica: Yeah, it's good. Chandler: See, I'm finding out all this stuff about you today, like you like the Law & Order and that you flirted with every guy in the Tri-State area! Monica: Chandler! Okay, let me get this straight, it's okay for you to flirt, but not for me. Chandler: Oh, I'm so glad we cleared that up. Look, I'm sorry, some things are different for men and for women. Monica: Go on, teach me something about men and women. Chandler: Okay, I've already taught you so much already, but whatever. See when you flirt with a guy you think, "I'm just flirting, no big deal." But the guy is thinking, "Finally! Somebody who wants to sleep with me!" Monica: No way! Chandler: It's true. Monica: Well that's pathetic! Chandler: Again true. Monica: And this goes for all guys? Chandler: All guys that are awake. Then we go to sleep and then all the guys from the other end of the world wake up and behave the exact same way. Joey: All right, it's another commercial; I still haven't told her! Ross: Joey! This is like the last commercial. You've got like ten minutes left! Joey: I know, I know! What am I going to do? Ooh! Monica: No! You are not gonna run out and leave her here! Joey: Grandma Tribbiani: Joey! Chandler: Uh, Joey is gonna be right back. Right back! So, you're old and small. Rachel: Hey! Phoebe: Did you find it? Rachel: The earring? No. But look, I found my sunglasses under the couch! I've been looking for these since like last summer. Phoebe: Okay, those are my sunglasses, you borrowed them from me. Rachel: Okay, calm down, here they are. Monica: Phoebe: What are we going to do?! Rachel: I don't know, I don't know. Phoebe: All right well, we're just gonna have to tell Monica, that's all. Rachel: Oh gosh, she's going to kill me. Phoebe: I suppose I could tell her it's just all my fault. Rachel: Ohh that'd be great! Phoebe: Mon, can I talk to you for a sec? Monica: Yeah, what is it? Phoebe: Umm, I lost one of your earrings. I'm sorry! I am so, so sorry! Monica: Wow! All right well, I mean, what can you do? If you lost it you lost it. Phoebe: I will replace it, I promise. I feel so terrible. Monica: All right, sweetie that's fine. You didn't do it on purpose. Phoebe: No. Monica: Look at you! Come here! Feel better? Phoebe: Yeah! You're the best! Rachel: Okay, wait a minute. Wait a minute, I-I-I, I can't do this. Listen honey, this is, it's not Phoebe's fault. She lent me the earrings, and I lost it. I'm so sorry. Honey, I feel terrible too. Monica: Okay?! I mean, first it's my jewelry! And if it's not my jewelry, it's-it's my blue sweater! And if it's not my sweater, it's my sunglasses! Rachel: Your sunglasses?! Monica: Yes! Phoebe: Oh, right! Caitlin: Pizza! Ross: Okay, here goes. Prepare yourselves for some Class A flirting. Chandler: Okay, hold on. Rachel: Honey, you have nothing to prove. And if you really like this girl, I don't flirting is the right thing to… Ross: You'll see. Okay. Oh, what's-what's her name? All: Caitlin! Grandma Tribbiani: Caitlin! Ross: Caitlin: It's uh, $12.50. Ross: Okay, so, do you make the pizzas in one of those uh, wood-burning ovens? Caitlin: No actually umm, I think that they're umm, gas. Ross: Gas? Wow! Intense. Chandler: If this is the way all the Gellers flirt, we don't have a problem. Ross: Hey uh, y'know that smell gas has? Caitlin: Yeah. Ross: They put that in. Caitlin: What?! Ross: The gas is odorless, but they add the smell so you know when there's a leak. Caitlin: Well okay! Ross: A lot of other gas smells… Chandler: Oh the humanity. Ross: Meth-methane smells… Caitlin: Y'know what umm, actually I, I really, I should go. Ross: Oh but I-I-I haven't paid you yet! Caitlin: Y'know what? That's okay, you guys have ordered so many that this one is on me! Ross: Was I talking to her about gas? Chandler: More so than anything else. Phoebe: I-I-I found it interesting. Rachel: I'm sorry. Ross: Look, no-no, hey, hey, don't worry about it! In nine years, she and I will be right there. Rachel: Okay, well, I'm gonna clear out some of these boxes. Phoebe: Ross? Ross: Yeah? Phoebe: What else do they add smell too? Rachel: Hey! Hey! Hi! Hey-hey-hey, I'm Rachel! From upstairs? The ones with all the pizza? Caitlin: Oh, is there a problem? Rachel: No. No. Every thing's--they're fine. Great pizza. But it's uh, actually umm my friend Ross. He uh, just gets really nervous when he's flirting. Caitlin: Oh my God! That was flirting?! Rachel: Yeah. Caitlin: Wow! Rachel: I know, I know, but uh just, I'm telling you, once, once you get past that part, that where it-it just feels like you wanna die, he's-he's really a good person. Caitlin: The guy with the gas?! Rachel: Yeah. I'm-I'm telling you he's really sweet and he's really funny and he's just ugh, got a good heart. And besides, I y'know, I think he really likes you. Caitlin: Really?! Rachel: Well y'know, we have 7 people and like 10 pizzas, what do you think? Caitlin: I just, I thought Joey was there. Rachel: Hey Ross? Umm, I just ran into Caitlin in the hallway and-and uh, you must be getting better at this flirting stuff than I thought. Ross: What do you mean? Rachel: Well, I don't get it, but she wanted me to give you her phone number. Ross: And she just gave you this? Rachel: Yeah! Ross: Rach, thanks but uh, I don't need you doing me any favors. Rachel: I-I-I didn't! I didn't! She thought you were cute. Ross: Well that I can believe. Rachel: Yay! Joey: Hey! Is the show still on? Chandler: Almost over man. Joey: Chandler: Why am I looking? Joey: Oh, here I am, here's my big scene! Joey: All right back off! I gotta gun! I'm not afraid to use it! Grandma Tribbiani: Oh Joey! Joey: That's right! Chandler: You couldn't have at least changed your shirt. Joey: I'm gonna shoot this duck! Phoebe: Oh no! Joey: Ross: And she's supposed to buy this?! Grandma Tribbiani: Joey, bravo! Chandler: Ground control to Major Tom! Commencing countdown…engines…on! Joey: That's uh, scenes from next week's show. Next week's! Phoebe: I am definitely gonna watch that! Ending Credits Monica: What about these? These look the same? Phoebe: Definitely! Monica: Not as each other! Phoebe: Oh, then no. Chandler: Hey! Monica: Hi! Chandler: You ready? Monica: Yeah. Chandler: You look amazing. I'm the luckiest man in the world. Monica: Ohh, you're about to get a little luckier. Chandler: Let me see the earrings. Monica: Oh, honey, the earrings… Chandler: They look great! Does your boyfriend have the best taste or what? Monica: My boyfriend really does have good taste! Chandler: Thanks for picking out the earrings man. Ross: Hm-mmm. End Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Seth Kurland Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Monica: Okay, guys, listen, don't forget that tomorrow is the day that Emily gets married again, so whatever we do, just try to really keep Ross's mind off of it. Joey: Oh, yeah, good idea. Chandler: Hey man, what's up? Ross: Joey: Ooh, Ross, look! Look! Ross: What? Where? Joey: Right over there! Right there! Look-look-look! Ross: What am I looking at? Joey: Somebody help me out here! Phoebe: Hey! Gary: Hello! Monica: Hey! Gary: How are you? Phoebe: Monica, I'm sorry I didn't come by last night. I was out with Gary; he let me ride around with him in his cop car. We saw and prevented crimes. Joey: You got to go on a ride along?! Phoebe: Uh-huh! Joey: I want to go on a ride along! Ross: Me too! Gary: Okay! Chandler: Yeah, yeah! Me too! Gary: Really?! You? Chandler: Yeah. Gary: Well, it's kinda dangerous. Chandler: Well, I like danger. Gary: Okay, you guys free tonight? Joey and Ross: Yeah!! Chandler: Tonight? You-you didn't say it was going to be at nighttime. Opening Credits Rachel: Hey! Monica: Hey! Oh, I'm so glad you're home, I thought tonight we could finally organize these photos! Rachel: Ohh, thank God! Finally! Monica: Okay, I've broken them down into categories. Okay, we have uh, we got holidays, birthdays, candids, y'know… And then what I've done is I've cross-referenced them by subject. Right? So if you're looking up, oh let's say birthdays and dogs, you get Photo 152. See? Rachel: Ohh, it's me and La Poo! Wow! I miss that dog. Monica: You can also find him under umm, dog and dead. Rachel: Great! Thanks! Monica: All right, hand me that other box of photos; that's the very last one. Rachel: Okay. Rachel: Oops. Sorry! Well, good thing you number all of them, huh? Monica: I hadn't! Photo 152 was a prototype. Rachel: Ohhhh. Honey, honey, honey, it's okay, it's okay honey. I'm gonna fix you a drink, huh? Maybe a margarita? Ross: Ross has the blender! Ugh, everything's just falling apart! Rachel: No honey, it's okay! Listen, I'll got to Ross's and get the blender, you get all the margarita stuff ready. Monica: All right, he's keys are in the drawer. Y'know what? I also need some cash. Rachel: Okay, you want me to stop at the ATM? Monica: Nah, while you're at Ross's if you see any lying around… Rachel: What?! Monica: What?! I-I-I don't, I don't do that! Ross: That was so cool man, the way you leaned on that guy. Chandler: It is starting to get dark out there. Ross: He told you everything! I mean you totally cracked him! Gary: Yeah well, being that he was the victim, they're usually pretty talkative. Chandler: But it is officially nighttime. Ross: Oh hey, Gary, want me to grab the berry for ya? Gary: It's called the cherry. Ross: It's the—Chandler!! Joey: Okay, I got it! This place makes the best sandwich in the world! Gary: Hey Joe does it have meatballs on it? Joey: Oh-ho, yeah! Gary: Does it have melted cheese and marinara sauce? Joey: Yep! Gary: Yeah, you can't eat that in my car. Joey: Even though my tax dollars paid for this car. Chandler: Your tax dollars? Joey: Yeah, okay. Chandler: Wow! That sandwich really does smell good. Joey: Did I say you could smell it?! Chandler: I can't smell your sandwich? Joey: Half the taste is in the smell! You-you're sucking up all the tastiness! Chandler: Okay, I'll give them back. Look! What is so great about that sandwich? Joey: Okay, imagine the best sex you've ever had. Chandler: Okay. Joey: Are you thinking about Monica? Chandler: Yeah. Joey: Yeah, what's that like? Rachel: Ohh please don't be from a real dinosaur! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Monica: Rach! It's me! Pick up! Rachel: Hey! What's up?! Monica: I need a few more things to make the margaritas. Uhh, I need some salt, some margarita mix, and tequila. Rachel: So all we have is ice? Monica: See if he has ice. Rachel: Okay. Emily: I know this is out of the blue but uh, I'm getting married tomorrow. Well, maybe I am. I keep thinking about you and I'm wondering if-if we made a mistake giving up so fast. Are you thinking about me? Of course you're not, but if you are, call me tonight. Okay, bye. Rachel: Oh. Oh! Ross: So where are we going next? Gary: This witness won't return my calls so we're gonna see if we can surprise him coming home. Chandler: Sur-surprise him? We're not, we're not gonna make anybody mad are we? Joey: Come on man! Listen so uh, are you gonna squeeze the perps shoes a little bit before he lawyers up? Gary: It's a witness not a perp. And no one talks like that! Ross: Yeah, no one talks like that! Joey: Oh what? Like your Mr. Cop! Ross: Hey, I'm more cop than you two! Chandler: How do you figure that? Ross: Hello! I'm in the front seat, okay? I'm Gary's partner! Chandler: Y'know, when you say partner it doesn't sound cop. It, it sounds gay. Ross: Umm, jealous! Gary: Hey, do you mind? We're under cover here. Ross: Yeah, no problem. Gary: Ross! Ross: Sorry! Sorry! Oh, Hey Gary, who am I? Phone home! Chandler: Look at Officer Ross riding back here with the visitors. Joey: Yeah, what's up with that Serpico? Emily: Are you thinking about me? Of course you're not, but if you are, call me tonight. Okay, bye. Monica: Nooo! Rachel: I know! Monica: Well thank God you were here! I mean, we have to erase that! Rachel: What?! We can't do that! Monica: We have too! I mean what if Ross's hears that and then calls her back and then they get back together? Is that what you want? Ross back with that controlling, neurotic, crazy Emily? The Emily that wouldn't let him see you? Rachel: Noo! Oh no! No! God no! He should not get back together with her. I know that! You know that! Even Ross knows that! But that still doesn’t give us the right to erase his message! Monica: I'm his sister, okay? I love him! I don't want to see him get hurt! Come on! Doesn’t that give me the right to control him—help him? Rachel: I don't think he's the one who needs help. Monica: No, look, she's obviously unstable, okay? I mean she's thinking about running out on her wedding day. Okay, fine, all right, but that's y'know, it's different! Although it did involve a lot of the same people. Rachel: Ugh! Monica: Y'know what, this is obviously some kind of twisted joke she's trying to play on him. Rachel: Okay, you are crazy! I'm sorry, but she sounded generally upset! I mean, listen! Answering Machine: Your messages have been erased. Rachel: Noooooooo! Chandler: Okay, y'know, we-we're safe right? I mean nothing bad can go down! Gary: No. But that reminds me, sign this. Ross: What is it? Gary: Oh it's nothing, it just says that you can't sue the city if you scrap your knee or y'know, get your head blown off. Chandler: Oh, hurry up. I want to sign that. Gary: Okay, here he comes. What is he doing? What the hell is he doing?! Ross: What? What? What? What is it? Joey: Is everything okay? Chandler: What's going on? Gary: Okay, he sees us. Now don't move. Don't look at him. Gary: Hey, it's okay. It was just a car backfire. Hey, look at that! You tried to save your buddy. You see that? You see what he did? Joey: You okay man? Ross: Uh-huh. Thank Joey! Chandler: Uh, HELLO!! Joey: Hi. Commercial Break Monica: All right, I guess we should go. Rachel: No, wait. Wait. Monica: Oh yeah right! Rachel: No, Monica! Monica! We have to fix this! Monica: There's nothing we can do. You erased the message! Rachel: Yeah well unless we tell him. Monica: Well, if you're gonna be totally rational about this, I can't argue with you! All right? Fine, if you wanna tell him, tell him. I just don't want to be a part of it. Rachel: Oh, maybe that's Emily calling back to leave the exact same message. Ross: Monica: Wow! Play that message for Emily and this whole problem goes away! Rachel: Right? Gary: Hey, anybody want to meet a hero? Phoebe: John Glenn is here?! Gary: No, Joey! Ross: Pheebs, we had the most incredible night! Okay, so, we're in the car… Gary: Wait! Hold on! Hi! Phoebe: Hi! Gary: Okay, go ahead. Ross: Okay, okay, so we're in the car. Right? And bang! A shot was fired. And Joey with no regard for his own safety throws himself on me! Phoebe: My God, Joey! Chandler: It was a car backfire! Ross: Yeah, but-but he didn't know that! Joey: Yeah, I didn't know that. Ross: And it could've just as easily have been a bullet. Gary: Hey Joe, you ever think about joining the force? We could use a guy like you. Chandler: Who jumps at loud noises! Ross: Wow! I could've died tonight. Chandler: Yeah! If the car that backfired had run over you! Y'know what, I think I'll go home before Ross starts rambling about his newfound respect for life. Ross: I do have a newfound respect for life. Chandler: Gary: So you wanna get some dinner? Phoebe: Yeah! Sure! Yep! Oh, y'know what? If I heard a shot right now, I'd throw my body on you. Gary: Oh yeah? Well maybe you and I should take a walk through a bad neighborhood. Phoebe: Okay! Gary: All right. Phoebe: Bye! Ross and Joey: Bye! Joey: Cut it out Ross! I hate to have to save your life and kick your ass in the same day! Joey: Dude! How come you took off? Chandler: Oh, I just went for a walk, around the living room. Whatever… Joey: Is something wrong? Chandler: No. No I'm just tired. Y'know, from-from the walk. Joey: Okay. Chandler: You dove in front of Ross! Ross! Joey: That's what this is about! Oh my God, you hate Ross! Chandler: I do not hate Ross! Joey: Of course you do! I saved him! You're mad at me! It all adds up! You want Ross out of the picture. Chandler: What picture? Joey: I don't know, but I don't like what I'm hearing! Chandler: Look I'm very glad that you saved Ross from the car backfire, but y'know, it could've been a bullet and you y'know, you didn't try to save me! Joey: Ohh, you're upset because you think I chose Ross over you! No! I…knew…you could take care of yourself. Y'know, I mean Ross, he need help. He's not street like us! Chandler: When it comes down to it, you would risk your life for Ross before you would for me. That's the bottom line. Joey: Well, no, not exactly! All right, look, I, I wasn't trying to save Ross. Okay? My sandwich was next to Ross. All right? I was, I was trying to save my sandwich. Chandler: From a bullet! Joey: I know it doesn't make much sense… Chandler: Much sense?! Joey: Look Chandler, it was instinct! Okay? I just went for it! Chandler: So you risked your life, for a sandwich! Joey: I know it sounds crazy, but Chandler this is the greatest sandwich in the world! Chandler: So you didn't uh, choose Ross before me. Joey: No! I would never do that! You-you're like my brother! Chandler: Really?! Joey: Yeah! In fact, to prove how much you mean to me, here. Chandler: Thanks. Joey: No, eh, oh-oi, easy, it's not a hot dog! Joey: How good is that? Chandler: Oh-oi-ho, yeah! Joey: See? Chandler: Hm-hmm. Joey: Oh-whoa-hey, dude, what are you doing?! Chandler: I thought you were showing me how much you mean to me. Joey: Yeah. With a bite! Gee-e-e-eez! Rachel: Hey! Hi! Ross: Rach, what uh, what are you doing here? Rachel: Hey! Y'know what? You are in our apartment all the time! Okay? This is, this is just a drop in the bucket mister! Ross: Y'know, it-it doesn't matter. The important thing is that you're here. You're my friend, and you're here. Oh! Rachel: Okay, just a little scared. What's going on Ross? Ross: The most amazing thing happened tonight. I thought my number was up. I had an actual near death experience! Rachel: What?! What? What happened?! Ross: Okay, okay, we were on the ride along with Gary, right? Rachel: Yeah! Ross: And somebody took a shot at me! Rachel: Really?! Ross: No, a car backfired, but I thought somebody was taking a shot at me. And Rach, I…I survived! And I was filled with this-this great respect for life. Y'know? I-I want to experience every moment. I want to seize every opportunity. I-I am seeing everything so-so clearly now. Rachel: Because a car backfired? Ross: Okay, why are you here? Rachel: Well, I-I-I don't know how this fits into your whole "seizing" thing but um, Emily called you today. Ross: You talked to her? Rachel: No, she left a message. something wrong with your machine. Ross: Well, okay, what-what did she say? Rachel: Well, uh something about having second thoughts about the wedding and did you guys make a mistake breaking up and uh, she wants you to call her. Ross: Wow! Rachel: Now, that-that was a good thing that I told you, right? Ross: Huh? Yeah! Yes, of course! Rachel: Okay. Thank you! Thank you! Because—I'm sorry, all right. Because y'know what? She didn't want me—not important. The point is, I was right. Your decision. Okay? I was right. Your decision. Ross: Right. I guess, I guess I should call Emily. Rachel: Okay, no, that's not the right decision. That's not, that's not right, no Ross-Ross, come on! I mean, that woman made you miserable! Okay, Ross, do you really want to get back into that? Ross: Okay, look, yesterday I would've even considered calling her back, but my ex-wife calls on the same day I have a near death experience. I mean, that-that has got to mean something! Rachel: Ugh, Ross! That was not a near death experience! That was barely an experience! Ross: You weren't there! Okay, maybe this is something that I-I'm supposed to seize! Y'know? Rachel: Okay, y'know what? Maybe, this is not about seizing stuff. Maybe this is about escaping stuff. Ross: Huh. Rachel: I mean, look-look today you escaped death, y'know? And maybe this is a chance for you to escape getting back together with Emily? Ross: That does make sense. Because I do wanna seize some opportunity, but I-I really don't wanna see or talk to her. Rachel: Well, there you go! Ross: Yeah. Maybe today is just, close call day. Rachel: Close call day. Ross: Hey, thanks Rach. Rachel: Ohh, honey no problem. Okay. Ross: Oh wait-wait-wait! The message is blinking. Maybe you didn't erase it. Rachel: Oh? Ross: Oh yeah, no that's-that's an old message, nobody needs to hear that. Rachel: No. Ross: Hey umm, was-was Monica here? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Yeah, I want my money back. Rachel: Yeah, uh you-you probably need that for stamps, right? Ending Credits Ross: Hey Pheebs, has Gary ever been shot at for real? Phoebe: Yes. Once. Yeah, a little. He kinda did it to himself. It's not really a good story. Ross: I wonder how I would react under fire, y'know? And not backfire but-but heavy fire, like I was in a war or something. Monica: Man, I would be great in a war! I mean, I really, I think I would make a fantastic military leader. I mean I know I would make General way before any of you guys. Chandler: Before or after you were shot by your own troops? Ross: I know where Joey would be. He would be down in the foxhole protecting all of us. Chandler: Yes, if the foxhole was lined with sandwiches. Joey: Yeah, hero sandwiches. Phoebe: Well you all know that I'm a pacifist so I'm not interested in war in any way. Not you Joey. End Teleplay by: Greg Malins Story by: Scott Silveri Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Gary: Would you like some more coffee, baby-doll? Phoebe: I'm fine, thanks. Chandler: Yeah, see, I can't pull of baby-doll can I? Monica: No. I think we learned that from the sugarlips incident. I'm gonna get some tea. Chandler: Okay. Chandler: Hiya doin' pumpkin? Phoebe: Nope. Monica: So it looks like it's going really well for you two, huh? Gary: I know, really well. In fact, I'm gonna ask Phoebe to move in with me. Monica: Oh my God! Gary: What do you, what do you think? Monica: I think that is so great! When are you gonna ask her? Gary: Tonight, but don't say anything. Okay? Monica: I swear, I promise. I promise. Oh my God, I'm so excited! {And I just can't hide it! I'm about to lose control and I think I like it! Sorry, just couldn't resist it.} All right, listen let me tell you, do not get her flowers. Okay? Because y'know, she cries when they die, and there's the whole funeral… Gary: Phoebe: Okay. Bye! Phoebe: So, what movie should we see? Monica: Gary's gonna ask you to move in with him!! Phoebe: What?! Really?! Monica: He just told me at the counter. He made me promise not to tell, but I couldn't hold it in any longer! Phoebe: I can't believe this! Chandler: Right, because it's fast. Because, it's so fast. It's fast! Monica: Relax! It's Phoebe! Not you! Chandler: Oh! Good for you Pheebs, way to go! Phoebe: No, but it is fast. Isn't it? Monica: Ohhhh! Phoebe: No, I like him a lot but I don't think I'm ready for this! Chandler: So, what are you gonna do? Phoebe: I don't know. I'll just handle it—I'll ask you to talk to him! Chandler: Me?! Why me? Phoebe: Because you are so afraid of commitment! You talk to him, make him scared like you! Make him a…man! Chandler: I'll try, but I'm not sure what good it would do, y'know? Because I'm a lot less afraid of commitment than I used to be. Monica: That is so sweet! Chandler: Opening Credits Joey: Hey Ross, is uh, is Staten Island really an island? Ross: Uh-huh, that's why they call it Staten Island. Joey: Ohhh. I thought it was like Long Island. Ross: Also an island. Joey: Hey, what time is it? Ross: 2:17. Joey: Wow! You realize that we've been throwing this ball, without dropping it, for like an hour? Ross: Are you serious?! Joey: Yeah. I realized it about a half-hour ago but I didn't want to say anything 'cause I didn't want to jinx it. Ross: Wow! We are pretty good at this! Hey! We totally forgot about lunch! Joey: Oh, I-I, I think that's the first time I ever missed a meal! Yeah, my pants are a little loose! Rachel: Hey, you guys… Joey: Hey! Rachel: Is Monica here? Joey and Ross: No. Rachel: All right listen umm, I just bought something I'm not sure she's gonna like it, and it's gonna seem a little crazy, but this is something that I wanted since I was a little girl. Ross: You bought Shawn Cassidy! Rachel: Noo! I wish! Okay, you ready? Joey and Ross: Yeah! Rachel: Okay! Check it out! Ross: What-what is it?! Joey: What the hell is that?!! Rachel: It's a, it's a cat! Joey: That, is not a cat! {I have to agree with Joey on this one.} Rachel: Yes it is! Ross: Why is it inside out?! Rachel: Excuse me! But this is a purebred, show-quality Sphinx cat! Ross: How much did you pay for that? Rachel: Well, it was a little extravagant, but I a pretty good deal. Ross: Yeah? How much? Rachel: A thousand bucks. Ross: ON A CAT??!!!! Joey: It's not a cat! Rachel: All right listen ball boys! My grandmother had one of these when I was a little girl and it was the sweetest thing! I mean it was so cute, it would sit in my lap and purr all day long, and I would drag a shoestring on the ground and he would chase it! Ross: Free cats do that too, y'know. {Which reminds me, if I might get a little political here, support your local animal shelter. Pet shops are not the place to buy dogs and cats from, you get a much better deal from the shelter, plus they probably won't die on you in a week and a half. If you want a leash, go to the pet shop. If you want the dog for that leash, go to the shelter and save it's life. Now back to regularly scheduled programming.} Joey: It's not a cat! Rachel: Ugh! Look you guys, I'm really excited about this! Okay? I don't care what you think! I'm gonna go set up a little litter box for Mrs. Whiskerson. Well, what am I gonna call her? Fluffy?! Ross: Hey, you wanna get something to eat or uh, do you wanna see how long we can throw this ball back and forth? Huh? Joey: Uhh, the ball thing. Ross: Yeah? Joey: Hey Ross, wouldn't it be great if we could go two straight hours without dropping it?! Ross: Uhh, yeah it would! Let's do it! Joey: Okay! Joey: Uh-oh. Ross: What? Joey: I have to pee. And Rachel's in the bathroom! Joey: Man, I didn't think we were gonna make it! Ross: I know! Don't switch hands, okay? Chandler: Hey ladies! What are you in here for? Gary: Hey Chandler, what are you doing here? Chandler: Gary, I'm here to report a crime. Gary: Yeah? Chandler: It is a crime that you and I don't spend more time together. Gary: What's up? Chandler: Well, I heard that you thinking about asking Phoebe to move in with you and I thought maybe, we should have a talk. Man to uh, me. Gary: Sure. Okay. Chandler: Uh, are you crazy? Are you insane? If you live with Phoebe, you two are gonna be y'know, live-living together! Gary: Yeah, I-I considered that. I just know it would make me happy. Chandler: You mean scared. Gary: No, I mean happy. Chandler: Scared? Happy? Gary: Chandler, what-what are you doing? Chandler: I am trying to open your eyes, my man! Don't you see, if you lived with Phoebe she's always gonna be there. You're gonna get home, she's there. You go to bed, she's there. You wake up and oh yes, she's there! Gary: I know! I can't wait! Chandler: Were you're parents happy, or something? Gary: Listen Chandler, the way I see it is that I was lucky enough to find someone that I really love. I just—I wanna be around her as much as I can. Chandler: Wow, y'know when you say it, it doesn't sound so scary. Gary: So you know what I'm talking about, right? Chandler: Yeah, I think I do! Y'know what? You move in with her! You move in with her right now! Maybe I should in with Monica! Gary: No, it's too soon for you guys. Chandler: Yeah, you're right about that. Ross: …now when they found the remains of the Mesozoic Mastodon they discovered what appeared to be the remains of a Paleozoic Amphibian in its jaws! How did it get there?! {Y'know, sometimes I think the script writers throw in a line like that to try to trip me up. But it won't work. I'll always have the last laugh! Okay, so maybe I'm a little deluded, it's probably just my spellchecker. But, I must admit I did get Mesozoic and Paleozoic on the first attempt. Yay me! Anyhoo…} Joey: Maybe this should be more of a quiet game. {Oh, all right!  Geez, I can't have any fun!} Monica: Hey guys! Joey: Hi! Monica: Joey, I left my watch on the counter last night. It was right here, where is it? Joey: I don't know. Monica: All right, come on, I'm-I'm late for work! Ross: How do you know? You don't have a watch. Monica: Guys, could you please just stop throwing the ball for one minute and just help me find it! Joey: Oh, I don't know…. Yeah, can't do it. Monica: What?! Ross: Monica, whatever you do, do not drop that ball! Joey: Yeah, we haven't dropped it in… Ross: 2 hours, 27 minutes. Monica: Really?! Monica: Ross: Hey Rach! Rachel: Hey. Ross: Check it out! Almost 3 hours without droppin' it! Rachel: Oh, wow! Congratulations, that's quite a waste of time. Monica: Rach? Rachel: Yeah? Monica: You have scratches all over you, what happened? Rachel: Well, it's my cat. Monica: What?! Rachel: Oh yeah, I got a cat. Monica: I don't want a cat! Joey: Oh, don't worry, it's not a cat. Ross: Yeah. Rachel: You guys this cat is nothing like my grandmother's cat. I mean, it's not sweet, it's not cute, I even dragged that little string on the ground, and it just flipped out and scratched the hell out of me. And I swear, I know this sounds crazy, but every time this cat hisses at me I know it's saying, "Rachel!" Ross: Doesn't sound as crazy as paying a thousand dollars for a cat. Monica: What?! You paid a thousand dollars for a cat when you owe me 300!! Rachel: Well, I was gonna let you play with it. Chandler: Hi! Phoebe: Hmm, did you talk to Gary about the moving in thing? Chandler: Yes I did, and I think you should do it. Phoebe: What?! Chandler: He's a great guy, y'know? And he loves you a lot, you are a very lucky lady. Phoebe: You are useless! Freaking out about commitment is the one thing you can do! The one thing! And you can't even do that right! God! Chandler: I’m sorry. If you ask me, I'd move in with him. Phoebe: Ohh!! God! Get out of here, good for nothing. Gary: Hey Chandler. Chandler: Hey Gar! Gary: Hi, can I talk to you for a second? Phoebe: Yeah! Okay. Gary: You look very pretty today. Phoebe: Thanks! Okay. Gary: Here's the thing. Phoebe: Yeah? Gary: Y'know I really want to move this relationship forward. Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Gary: Because if you're not moving forward, y'know you're just moving backwards. Phoebe: No that's not true. If you're not moving forward, you're just staying still. And staying still is good. Watch this. Gary: Phoebe? Phoebe: Yeah? Gary: I want you to move in with me. Phoebe: That is so sweet. But don't you think it's a little too soon? I mean there's so much we don't know about each other. Gary: Oh. Oh-oh-okay, I get it. Phoebe: I just—I don't want us to jump into something we're not ready for. Gary: Uh-huh. Phoebe: I really don't want to mess up what we have. I'm just—I'm worried it's gonna be a big mistake. Gary: Yeah. Phoebe: Which is why my answer is yes! Gary: Really?! Phoebe: Uh-huh! Commercial Break Ross: Monica! Stop throwing it so hard! We're on the same team! Chandler: Four hours? You guys have been doing this for four hours? Joey: That's right baby. Chandler: All right, let me in. Monica: No-no! Don't do it! Don't! Chandler: What? Monica: He's a dropper! Joey: Oh yeah, that's right! Chandler: I'm not a dropper! Ross: It's really a uh-uh three person game, y'know? Chandler: It's throwing and catching! Ross: All right. Chandler: Oh! Oh! That's so hard. Joey: Whoa-whoa you guys, it's not a cat! Monica: Oh my—Oh good God! Rachel: I give up you guys, I don't know what I'm going to do with this thing! Ross: Baking it didn't help, huh? Monica: So, why don't you just take it back to where you got it? Rachel: I tried! They won't take her back. Chandler: Maybe that's because she's a minion of the anti-Christ. Monica: Rach, why won't they take it back? Rachel: Well, they said would but they would only give me store credit. I mean, what am I going to do, get a thousand regular cats? Monica: Look, if you want you can keep it at our place until you find out what to do with it. Rachel: No Mon that's not the point. I'm out a thousand dollars, I'm all scratched up, and I'm stuck with this stupid cat that looks like a hand! Monica: Oh my God, the cat's made my eyes water! Don't-don't throw it to me! My vision's been compromised!! Oh God! Okay. Okay. It's okay. Man, that was close. Chandler: Yeah, you almost overreacted to something. Phoebe and Gary: Hey! All: Hey! Gary: We have great news! Phoebe: We're moving in together! Isn't it great! Yay! All: Congratulations! Congrats! Phoebe: I know, I'm so excited! Gary: So am I! Phoebe: Well, you're not more excited than I am! No way! I'm the most excited! Gary: Okay, I'll see you at the station later. Phoebe: Okay, yeah, I'll see you later! Don't forget about the moving in! Gary: All right. Monica: So you're moving in with him. What happened? Phoebe: I couldn't tell him no. He got so sad. Maybe it'll be all right. I do really like him a lot and probably do it eventually anyway and plus, think of all the money I'll save on stamps. Monica: Why, do you write him a lot? Phoebe: No, I just heard when people live together, they split the cost of stamps. Don't they? All: Yeah! That's right. Yeah-yeah! Yeah! Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, the oven mitts really freaked me out. Gary: Hey, honey! Okay, so did you find any apartments? Anything in Brooklyn Heights? Phoebe: No, nothing. Gary: Oh really? Phoebe: Yeah. Gary: Nothing at all? Phoebe: No, as soon as something opens up we'll move right in. Unless it doesn't have a pool, I need a pool. Gary: Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second? Phoebe: Uh-huh! Gary: Take a seat. You okay? You feeling all right? Phoebe: Yeah, I feel great. 'Cause we're moving in together. Gary: So you uh, you checked the paper for listings in Brooklyn Heights, right? You-you checked the Post? Phoebe: Yeah, uh-huh, there was nothing. Can I get some water? Gary: In a minute. You-you checked today's Post? Phoebe: Umm, yeah! Today's. Gary: 'Cause uh, this is today's Post Brooklyn Heights! Phoebe: Are these for rent! I thought people were just bragging! Gary: Let me tell you what I think might be going on. Okay, I think somebody asked someone to move in with them. And I think someone said, "Yes" but now she's having doubts because things are moving to fast for someone. Does that sound at all possible to you? Phoebe: Yes. Yes! Fine! I am someone! You want me to say it? I have doubts! Gary: Phoebe… Phoebe: Yeah? Gary: Phoebe, it's okay that you feel this way. I mean it is soon. And there's a lot of things we don't know about each other, and I just figure that everything I really like. And the things I don't know, I get to learn about at someplace with both our names on the mailbox. Phoebe: That's so sweet. Gary: Sweethart, but none of that matters if it's too soon for you. It's fine! We don't have to move in together. I just—I want you to be happy Phoebe: Living with you would make me happy. Gary: Phoebe, you don't have to say that. Phoebe: No, I really wanna live with you! I wanna move in with you! Gary: Are you sure? Phoebe: Yes. Definitely! Yes! Let's live in an apartment that we both live in! Gary: Oh that's great! Phoebe: Oh wait, one sec. One sec. which was never! Rachel: Show cat! Quality show cat! Show cat! Woman No. 1: Oh my God! What's wrong with your baby?! Rachel: It's not a baby! It's a cat! Woman No. 1: Eew! It's creepy looking! Rachel: Oh no! No! It's actually—it's very sweet. It's very sweet. Look! Yeah, do you want it? Woman No. 1: No, I hate cats. Rachel: Well, so then what are you doing to me? Okay? Just get out of here! All right? Move on! Woman No. 2: Wow! What an unusual cat! Rachel: Yes! Thank you! Exactly! You want it? Woman No. 2: Maybe. I was thinking about getting a cat, I was just going to go to the shelter but… Okay, why not? Rachel: Oh, terrific! That'll be $2,000. Woman No. 2: What?! Rachel: Okay, a thousand. Woman No. 2: I thought you wanted to adopt your cat. Rachel: Well, I do, but you're just gonna have to actually look at this as more of an investment than a cat. Woman No. 2: Okay, yeah, I just wanted a cat. Rachel: Okay, did anybody just hear that? Anybody? Ross: I'm starving! Monica: Come on guys! Suck it up! We're closing in on ten hours! It's gut-check time! Joey: I don't know who made you the boss? All right? We invented this game! Monica: Please! I made this game what it is. Chandler: Not fun anymore? Ross: I'm still hungry! Monica: All right, there's some pizza at my place, we can all eat with one hand right? Are you with me? Ross: I am! Monica: All right! Let's go! All right, we can work out the name later. Monica: Rachel! What is your cat doing in one of my bowls! Rachel: It's not! I'm defrosting a chicken. Oh, I uh sold Mrs. Whiskerson. Ross: Oh, thank God! Joey: Did you get your money back? Rachel: Yeah, 15 hundred dollars. Monica: Wow! You made a profit! Gunther: I just came for the red-velvet pillow. Rachel: Oh yeah, there you go. Gunther: Thanks Rachel. And-and don't forget you-you can come visit her anytime you want. Rachel: Oh good, great! I'll-I'll keep that in mind. Gunther: Hey! So what is this? Some kind of snake or something? Gary: I really like waking up with you. Phoebe: I like waking up with you too. Oh, I can stay here all day. Gary: That would be great! Phoebe: We could have breakfast in bed… Gary: Wait, just a second. Phoebe: Okay. Oh! Oh no. Monica: All right! Come on Monica! Look alive! Come on, look alive! Phoebe: Oh good, you're all up. Rachel: Phoebe! It's 6 o'clock in the morning! Why aren't you at Gary's? Phoebe: Oh yeah, that's over. All: What?! Chandler: Come on! Gary's such a great guy! Whatever the problem is, you can work it out! Phoebe: He shot a bird! Chandler: Oh that is over! All: That's terrible! I'm sorry! Rachel: Phoebe, are you okay? Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, I'll be alright. Joey: Oh hey, here Pheebs. Phoebe: Monica: It's okay. It's okay. Just pretend that it didn't happen! Okay? No one needs to know! I mean, Phoebe's not an official ballplayer! I mean, only official ballplayers can drop the ball! All: All right. Okay. I'm starving! Rachel: Phoebe, honey, wanna get some breakfast? Phoebe: Yeah! Monica: Okay! Okay, let's race! First one there wins! Ha-ha! Chandler: You guys wanna eat here? All: Yeah! As long as we're here! Ending Credits Joey: Man that was great! Huh? Can you believe how long we threw that ball around? Rachel: Yeah, it is amazing it lasted that long. Ross: I know. My arm is killing me. Rachel: No, I meant with the dropper over here. Chandler: Y'know, how did I get this reputation as a dropper? Okay? I'm anything but a dropper. End Teleplay by: Wil Calhoun Story by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Ross: What's going on? Rachel: Well, my eye is a little itchy. Joey: Uhhh, mine too! Yeah. Monica: Wow! It's really red! You should go see my eye doctor. Rachel: Richard? I'm not gonna go see your ex-boyfriend! Chandler: Oh, Richard. That's all I ever hear, Richard, Richard, Richard! Monica: Since we've been going out, I think I've mentioned his name twice! Chandler: Okay, so Richard, Richard! Monica: It's not Richard! Okay? It's this new guy and he's really good. Rachel: Well, I'm sorry I'm not going to an eye doctor! Ross: Oh God, here we go! Chandler: What? Ross: Anytime anything comes close to touching her eye or anyone else's she like freaks out. Watch! Watch! Rachel: Ross! Come on! That's all right! Fine--Okay, I have a weird thing about my eye. Can we not talk about it please? All: All right, fine. Monica: Hey Rach, remember that great song, Me, Myself, and I? Rachel: Monica! Come on! Ross: Hey, does anybody want to get some lunch? All those in favor say I? Rachel: Ross! Stop it! Come on! Chandler: How much did I love The King and I? Rachel: Chandler! Joey: Me too! Me too! Me too! Rachel: Just stop it! Come on! Chandler: You okay there man? Joey: Yeah, I got too excited! Opening Credits Ross: All right, I gotta go. I'm taking Ben to the park. Phoebe: Ohh, give him a kiss for me! Ross: All right, bye! Monica: Bye! Phoebe: Bye! Ross: Later! Phoebe: I am so sorry you got caught in the middle of that. I didn't mean to be so out there. I am furious with him! Chandler: Wow umm, calm down. Phoebe: I'm trying, but man that guy can push my buttons! Monica: Why are so mad at him? Phoebe: Look, I don't wanna talk about it. Okay? Monica: Well, it just seems that… Phoebe: You wanna be on my list too? Keep talking! Has anyone seem my list by the way? Chandler: Uh, no Pheebs. What's it look like? Phoebe: Uh, it's a piece of paper and it says, "Ross" on it. Joey: I GOT THE LEAD IN A MOVIE!!!!!! Chandler: You got the lead in a movie? That's amazing! What's the movie about?! Joey: It's called Shutter Speed, it's really cool! Yeah, umm, I meet this girl in the subway and we fall in love in like a day, right? And then, she disappears… But I find out where she lives and when I get there this like old lady answers the door and I say, "Where's Betsy?" Right? And she says, "Betsy's been dead for 10 years." Phoebe: Ohh-oh, chilling! Joey: And the best part is, we're filming in the desert outside Vegas! And you know what that means buddy! Chandler: Yeah, I know that means buddy! Joey: Road trip! Yeah, we can rent a car! I just have to be there by Tuesday! Phoebe: Oh wait, my grandmother's dead. Chandler: Well, uh, we can talk about that too Pheebs. Phoebe: No! No, her cab! She probably won't be using it; you can drive it to Las Vegas. Joey: All right! Thanks Pheebs! Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa, what are we going to do about my job? Joey: Oh umm, not go. Chandler: All right, great, road trip baby! This okay with you? Monica: Chandler! You don't have to ask for my permission. You can go. Chandler: Thank you. Monica: Hey Rach, come on! We're gonna be late for the eye doctor appointment! Rachel: Oh, I mean, look at this mess! I mean, we're probably gonna have to clean this up! Y'know? We're gonna have to reschedule! Monica: No. If you thought this mess is going to bother me, you are wrong! All right, let's go Blinky! Phoebe: Oh hey Joey! What's up? Joey: I can't decide which route to take to Vegas. Hey, you've traveled a lot right? Phoebe: Yeah, I've been around. Joey: Okay, so-so which route should I take the northern route or the southern route? Phoebe: Ooh, if you take the northern route there's a man in Illinois with a beard of bees. {Okay, I must protest this, I've lived in Illinois all my life and know of no man with a beard of bees! Wisconsin, on the other hand, might be a different story.} Joey: Great! Problem solved! Phoebe: But on the southern route there's a chicken that plays tic-tac-toe. Joey: Well, back to square one. Phoebe: Oh, I know a way that you can decide! All right, I'm going to ask you a series of questions and you answer as quickly as you can. Joey: Yes! Phoebe: Good, but wait. Okay, all right, here we go. Now I want you to relax. Take a deep breath. Clear your mind. Which do you like better peanut butter or egg whites? Joey: Peanut butter! Phoebe: Which would you rather be a fireman or a swimmer? Joey: A swimmer! Phoebe: Who would you rather sleep with Monica or Rachel? Joey: Monica. Oh… huh, I always thought it would be Rachel. Phoebe: No thinking! No thinking! Tie or ascot? Joey: Ascot! Phoebe: North route or south route? Joey: North route! Phoebe: Bamn! There you go! Huh? Joey: Wow! That was incredible! Beard of bees, here I come! Ross: Hey! Phoebe: Oh, this guy again. Joey: Hey man, what's up? Ross: Uhh, not much. You guys want to see a movie tonight? Joey: Sure, what do you want to see? Ross: I don't know, umm… Joey: Oh, I know how we can decide. Phoebe, show him your game! Phoebe: Umm, no thank you. Ross: What's with her? Joey: I don't know. But hey, I know we can decide. Okay, I'm gonna ask you questions and you answer real quick. Okay? Ross: Okay. Joey: What do you like better action or comedy? Ross: Action. Joey: Who would you rather sleep with Monica or Rachel? Ross: Dude, you are sick. Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing. Rachel: Oh my God! What does that thing do? Monica: Oh that's an eye removal machine. Rachel: All right, I'm outta here! Monica: I'm kidding! I'm kidding! The Doctor: Hi Rachel! Rachel: Hey! The Doctor: I'm Dr. Miller. Monica told me you were a little nervous, but don't worry everything's gonna be just fine. Rachel: So were done then! Dr. Miller: Almost! But first, we gotta start. Rachel: Okay. Dr. Miller: This is a glaucoma test. Rachel: Uh-huh. Dr. Miller: Sit down. Rachel: Okay. Dr. Miller: But your chin here. Now, you'll feel a small puff of air in each eye. Rachel: What?! Monica: A small puff of air, now come on! Dr. Miller: Here we go. Rachel: All right. Dr. Miller: 1…2…3! Rachel: I'm sorry. All right, I'll just stay in here this time. Okay. Dr. Miller: Ready? Rachel: Uh-huh. Dr. Miller: 1…2… Monica: Y'know what, I'm gonna hold her head. Rachel: Okay. Dr. Miller: That's okay. Monica: Okay. Rachel: Okay. Okay! Dr. Miller: 1…2! Y'know what? You're young; you probably don't have glaucoma. Rachel: Dr. Miller: Okay. You've got a small, minor infection in that left eye. I want you to take these drops three times a day and you'll be as good as new. Rachel: Yeah, no, I don't-I don't put things in my eye. Dr. Miller: Okay then, I guess we'll see you back here in three months. Rachel: Great! Dr. Miller: And I'll fit you for a glass eye. Rachel: Okay, just give me the damn drops! Monica: Dr. Miller? P E C F D. Dr. Miller: Very good Monica! You know where they are. Monica: I sure do! And you don't get one! Rachel: Y'know, I-I gotta tell ya, those eye drops are a miracle. My eye is a 100% better. Monica: They're still in my coat. Rachel: Damn! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey! You ready to go? Chandler: Yeah, listen, how cold is it going to be there? Do I need a coat or will all these sweater vests be enough? Chandler: What? Monica: I love you. {There's another continuity error here. Before Monica says I love you, Chandler's holding the vests so that you couldn't see the collar, you could see all three, and they were folding nicely. After she says the line and the camera cuts back to Chandler, you can only see two out of the three, you can see the collar of the top one, and it looks like it was folded sloppily, unlike before. Hey, you notice things while spending this much time on this!} Joey: Man, I wish Ross was coming with us! Y'know? I'm gonna miss him! Phoebe: Thanks a lot! I just got that jerk out of my mind! Chandler: Hey, so where are we staying? Is the movie putting us up in a big hotel suite? Joey: Uh no, not really. It's an independent film y'know? So we don't have a real big budget. I figured I'd just stay in your room. Chandler: I see, but once you get your first paycheck you'll be springing a big hotel suite, right? I mean, lead in a movie, they must be paying you a lot? Joey: Oh yeah! For every dollar Shutter Speed makes, one penny of it goes right in Joey's pocket. Chandler: So you don't get paid unless the movie makes money? Joey: Did you not hear the plot of the movie? "She's been dead for ten years." I'm gonna be a millionaire! Ross: Hey! Joey: Hey! Ross: I just wanna say good-bye to you guys and to see if you guys will place a little bet for me, huh? Twenty bucks on black 15. Joey: You got it! Ross: All right! Chandler: All right, bye-bye now! Phoebe: Bye! Rachel: Bye you guys! Joey: Bye-bye! Monica: I wanna say good-bye at the car! Chandler: Okay! Joey: Anybody want to say good-bye to me at the car? Rachel: Oh honey, I'll say good-bye to you at the car if you don't mind the puss. Joey: See ya! Rachel: Well, wait a minute! The puss is good! It means it's healing! Ross: Hey Pheebs, what 'cha reading? Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there. Ross: Phoebe, are you, are you mad at me, or something? 'Cause if are please, tell me what it is I did! Phoebe: Well, if you don't know I can't help you. Ross: Well, I don't know. Phoebe: Well, I can't help you. Ross: Well, whatever it is I'm-I'm very, very sorry. Okay? Phoebe: Apology accepted. Ross: Okay. So we're, we're good? Phoebe: Uh-huh. Ross: All right. I'll uh, I'll see you later, okay? Phoebe: Bye, fat ass. Ross: ALL RIGHT!! Phoebe now come on! Will you please tell me what it is I did that mad you so mad at me! Phoebe: I don't know! I don't remember! Ross: Well if you can't remember, can't we just forget about this? Phoebe: Oh no, I am mad at you. I know that much. But, I am sorry about the fat ass thing. You actually have a very sweet little hiney. Joey: Man, I'm getting pretty tired. You're might have to take over soon. Chandler: We've been driving for a half-hour, and you haven't looked at the road once. Joey: Don't worry, it's out there! I think I just need lunch. Chandler: Yeah. Joey: You wanna eat? My treat! Chandler: Isn't that Ross's money? Joey: Yeah. Okay. Ross's treat! Where do you wanna eat? Chandler: I don't know. Joey: Ooh, hey, I know how we can decide! All right, uh, I'm gonna ask you a bunch of questions and then you have to answer real fast. Okay? So uh, clear your mind Clear it right out! Clear it out! Clear! Chandler: Okay! Joey: Okay, uhh, would you rather be too wet or too dry? Chandler: Too dry. Joey: Do you believe in ghosts, yes or no? Chandler: No! Joey: Is this movie gonna be my big break? Chandler: No! Joey: What?! Chandler: Yes. Joey: Dude you said, "No!" Chandler: I also said, "Yes!" Joey: You don't think this is going to be a big break for me? Chandler: No! Ahhh!!! Joey: I don't believe this! Chandler: Look Joe, I just, I just don't want to get your hopes up real high. Joey: What are you talking about?! I'm the lead in a movie! Chandler: They're not even paying ya! This doesn't even sound like a real movie! Joey: Y'know what? I don't need this! Okay? I don't know why you're dumping all over my big break. Chandler: Joe, I don't think this is going to be your big break. Joey: Is that why you're on this trip, huh? Make me feel like a loser? 'Cause if it is, I'll tell ya, I-I-I'd rather be alone. Chandler: Oh, you don't want me on the trip? Joey: Not if you're gonna be like this! Chandler: All right, I'll tell ya what, the next time you ask me a question like that I'll lie. Joey: Yeah! I don't want you on the trip! Chandler: All right, fine! Fine! Why don't you pull over? I'll get out right now! Joey: Fine! Get out! Chandler: You're not actually supposed to stop on the bridge. Joey: Get out!! Chandler: All right!! Wait! Wait, there's no sidewalk! Yeah, I'm gonna die here. Commercial Break Ross: Okay, are you mad at me because my hair gel smells? Phoebe: No. Ross: Are you angry at me because I said your handwriting is childlike? Phoebe: No that made me feel precious. Monica: Oh, I know! Umm, is it because he's always correcting people's grammar? Whom! Whom! Sometimes it's who! Ross: Yeah? Sometimes it's… Rachel: Oh, did you beat him at a board game? He turns into such a baby when he starts to lose. Ross: Okay, I'm the baby. Rachel: Eh! Stop it! Chandler: Hey! Monica: Chandler! What are you doing here? Ross: Hey! Chandler: Joey kicked me out of the car on the George Washington bridge! All: Why?! Chandler: I don't know! He went crazy! Y'know, we were playing that game where you-you ask a question and you answer it really fast. Phoebe: That game should not be played without my supervision. Chandler: Well, I don't know what mad him so mad, y'know? All I said was that uh, I didn't think this wasn't gonna be his big break, that this movie wasn't going to do anything for him, and that uh, y'know it didn't sound like a real movie--Okay, he should've pushed me off of the bridge. Phoebe: What's in the bag? Chandler: Oh, I figured you guys would all be mad at me. So I got you some gifts that I found on the side of the road. Who wants the teddy bear with one leg? Phoebe: I do! Rachel: Okay. Monica: Not even close. Rachel: Okay, then y'know what? Help me! I need help! I can't do this! Monica: Okay! All right! Let's do it! Rachel: All right! Monica: Sit down. Rachel: All right. Monica: Put your head back. Rachel: Yes! Monica: All right. Rachel: Okay. Monica: Now, open your eyes. Rachel: Okay, they are. Monica: How many fingers am I holding up? Rachel: Four. Monica: Oh my God, I was thinking four. Rachel: Really?! Monica: Yes! All right, y'know what? Why don't we start with a practice run? Okay? Rachel: Okay! Monica: No drops! Rachel: Great! Monica: Okay. Rachel: Okay. Monica: On three, 1…2…3! Rachel: Well, well, you said it was practice! Monica: Then why did you move?! Rachel: Because I knew you were lying! Monica: All right, come here! Rachel: Monica: I am going… I'm going--Turn it over! Rachel: Oh my God! You really are freakishly strong! Rachel: Monica! Stop it! Monica: Damn! It's empty! Rachel: Wow, y'know if Joey and Chandler walked in right now, we could make a fortune! Phoebe: Ooh that is definitely Chandler, Joey, or Ross. Or-or Rachel! Monica: I'm so glad you called! Chandler told me what happened. Y'know he's really upset about it. Joey: Not as upset as he's gonna be when he finds out what I did with his sweater vests! Monica: What did you do to his sweater vests? Joey: Let's just say there's a well-dressed pack of dogs in Ohio. Hey Monica listen is-is Phoebe there? I gotta ask her something about the car. Monica: Yeah, she's here. Hold on a second. Phoebe: Hey, dude! Joey: Hey Pheebs! Listen, this wooden box keeps sliding out from under the seat. What-what is it? Phoebe: Oh that's my grandma. Chandler: Is that Joey? Is that Joey? Let me talk to him! I wanna talk to him! Phoebe: Okay Joey? Chandler's here, he was wondering… Okay, I guess he ran out of change. Chandler: Y'know, he won't even talk to me. How am I going to apologize to him if he won't even talk to me? Monica: Well, maybe you should send him something. So that when he gets to Las Vegas he'll know that you're sorry. Chandler: That's a good idea. I wonder where I could get a basket of porn… Phoebe: No, don't-don't say I'm sorry with porn! Chandler: Really? Phoebe: Y'know what you should send him? A cartoon of cigarettes. 'Cause that why he could trade it for protection. No. That's prison. Ross: Okay Pheebs, I know how we're going to figure this out. Okay, clear your mind and answer the first thing that comes into your head. Okay? Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Ross: What do you like better flora or fauna? Phoebe: Fauna. Ross: Who would you rather be Simon or Garfunkle? Phoebe: Garfunkle. Ross: Why are you mad at me? Phoebe: You said I was boring--Ohh! Ross: When did I say you were boring?! Phoebe: Oh my God, I remember now! We were playing chess! Ross: Phoebe! You and I have never played chess! Phoebe: Oh, come on! Yes, remember that time on the frozen lake? We were playing chess, you said I was boring, and then you took off your energy mask and you were Cameron Diaz! Okay, there's a chance this may have been a dream. Joey: Hey-hey! Stanley! Hey-hey! You're leading man is here! Let's get to work. Stanley: Umm, slight change of plans. We've shut down. Joey: Wh-what?! Why?! Stanley: It's a money thing, we don't have any. Joey: You're kidding right? Stanley: No. Joey: What?! Stanley: It-it's probably just temporary. We're hoping to get some more money soon, so if could just uh, hang out. Joey: Uh, hang out?! How long? Stanley: I don't know. A week? Maybe two? The money will turn up! People will always wanna invest in movies! Hey, you're not rich are ya? Joey: No! Stanley: Eh, worth a shot. The Grip: Hey pal, are you Joey Tribbiani? Joey: Yeah. The Grip: These got left for ya. Joey: Thanks. Congratulations on your big break. Monica: Hello? Joey: Hey Monica, it's Joey! Monica: Hey Joey! Aww, you remembered even though you're a big star! Joey: Aw, come on! It'll be years before I forget you! Monica: Joey, what's it like on a movie set, huh? Do you have a dressing room? Do you have a chair with your name on it? Joey: Uh, well yeah-yeah, I've got all of that going on. Yeah, listen uh, I want you to make sure you tell Chandler that he couldn't have been more wrong! Uh-oh! I gotta go Monica, my uh, my sushi's here! Joey: Sorry about that. Thanks for waitin'. The Husband: Okay! Joey: Everybody smile! Kill me. Kill me now. Ending Credits Ross: Hey Rach, can you pass me the TV Guide? Rachel: Yep! Monica: Go!! Rachel: What?!! Stop it! Stop it! Oh my God! Monica: Okay! Okay! Okay! We'll see you in about 3 to 4 hours. Rachel: Oh! End Part I Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Part II Written by: Greg Malins & Scott Silveri Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Rachel: Pheebs? Could you get that? Please? Phoebe: Why? Just 'cause you're too lazy to get up off your touchie? Rachel: No! No! It's just that all the people in the entire world that I want to talk to are right here. Phoebe: Rachel: Sucker! Phoebe: Hey Joey! Joey: Hey Pheebs! Listen, uh can you do me a favor? I forgot the pin number to my ATM card can, can you get it for me? Phoebe: Sure! Where is it? Joey: Uh, I scratched it on the ATM machine down on the corner. Phoebe: Ohh! So you're 5639?! Joey: That's it! Thanks Pheebs! Chandler: Hey! Phoebe: Ooh, do you want to talk to Chandler? Chandler: Let me talk to him! Joey: No! Because he didn't believe in my movie! Which is a big mistake because it is real! Real! A Casino Boss: Hey! Tribbiani! Get back to work! Break time's over! Phoebe: Who was that? Joey: Uhh, my stunt double. Yeah, and y'know, he's getting a little too familiar for my tastes. Chandler: Y'know what? I have been trying to apologize to him all week! If he's not gonna let me do it on the phone, I'm gonna go down there and do it in person. Joey: Uhh Pheebs, I heard that. Can you put him on? Phoebe: Yeah! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Don't come out here! Chandler: No-no-no-no, I've supported you one hundred percent and I want to prove that to you in person! Joey: I got that! I forgive ya! Don't come out here! Chandler: Forgive me? You haven't been taking my calls in a week! Joey: Well, I'm totally over it Chandler. Friends forever! Don't come out here! A Tourist: Would you mind doing a picture with us? Chandler: Uh, what was that? Joey: Uh, Entertainment Tonight. Yeah, okay so, good talking to ya and don't come out here. All right. Opening Credits Phoebe: Monica! I'm sorry I'm late! Monica: Oh, Phoebe, I'm so sorry. Have you been here long? Phoebe: It's okay. What the hell took you so long? Monica: Okay, you can not tell Chandler. Okay? That I ran into Richard. Phoebe: Which Richard? Monica: The Richard. Phoebe: Richard Simmons?! Oh my God! Monica: Noo! My ex-boyfriend Richard! Y'know the tall guy, moustache? Phoebe: Oh! Okay, that actually makes more sense. So how was it? Monica: It was, it was really nice. We started talking and I-I ended up having lunch with him. Phoebe: That is so weird! I had a dream that you'd have lunch with Richard. Monica: Really? Phoebe: But again, Simmons. Go on. Monica: The strange part was, he was really nice, umm and he looks great, but I didn't feel anything at all! Phoebe: Ooh! So now why can't we tell Chandler? Monica: Because it would totally freak him out and tomorrow's our anniversary. I just don't want anything to spoil that. Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you guys lasted a whole year! Monica: I know. Phoebe: Wow! I owe Rachel 20 bucks! Monica: What? Phoebe: On a totally different bet. Chandler: Hey! Monica: It's almost our anniversary! Chandler: I know. Can you believe it? One year ago today I was just your annoying friend Chandler. Phoebe: Awww! Now you're just my annoying friend Chandler. Chandler: Huh. Monica: I got you a present! Chandler: Oh, but it's not 'til tomorrow! Monica: I know, but you have to open it today! Chandler: Okay. Monica: Okay! There you go! It's two tickets to Vegas! Chandler: Wow! Monica: For this weekend! Oh gosh, it would be perfect, we get to see Joey plus we get to start our anniversary celebration on the plane. We can call it out plane-aversary. Chandler: Do we have to? Monica: No. Chandler: Okay this is great, but Joey said he didn't want any of us out there. Monica: Oh, he just doesn't want us to go through any trouble. Think of how excited he'll be when we go out and surprise him! Plus we get to have our own, ani-Vegas-ary! A-Nevadaversary! Chandler: Yeah, I think we should see other people. Monica: But we can go, right? Chandler: Yes. Monica: Okay! Chandler: It's a great idea. Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna go too! Chandler: Y'know Pheebs, it's kinda our anniversary. Phoebe: Oh please, you are not gonna ditch again like you did with London. Monica: Ditch you? Phoebe, you were pregnant with the triplets! Phoebe: Uh-huh, great story! I'm going! Rachel: Hi! Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Hey! Phoebe: Hey, you guys, listen, this weekend we're all gonna go to Las Vegas to surprise Joey! Including me!! You wanna go?! Rachel: Well, I guess I could take a couple days off work. Phoebe: Of course you can take a couple days off work because this trip includes me! Rachel: Oh no, wait a minute, wait, I've got a presentation tomorrow. I can't miss that. Ross: Oh, but I've got tickets to the Van Gogh exhibit! I've been waiting like a year for this. Chandler: Art lover! Ross: What'd you say? Chandler: I said art lover. Ross: Is that supposed to be an insult? Chandler: I don't know, I'm very tired. Ross: So Rach, maybe you and I could fly out together Saturday. Rachel: That sounds great. Ross: Yeah? All right I'll call the airlines. Rachel: Okay. Yeah, that would be nice actually, to have the apartment to myself for a night. Phoebe: Oh yeah, so you can walk around naked. Rachel: No! So I can be by myself. Y'know? Have a little alone time. Phoebe: Naked alone time. Rachel: No! Phoebe just because I'm alone doesn’t mean I wanna walk around naked. I mean, you live alone, you don't walk around naked. Phoebe: Uh-huh! Why do you think it takes me so long to answer the door? Phoebe: So, so far is this trip to Vegas better or worse than the trip to London? Chandler: So it's pretty much the same Pheebs. Phoebe: Okay, what about after I give you these candies? Chandler: Yeah, I guess it's a little better now. Phoebe: Ah-ha! Okay, Chandler: Happy plane-aversary. Monica: Aww! I love you! Chandler: Can I give you a present now? Monica: Okay! Chandler: Okay! Oh man! Don’t tell me I did this! Monica: I love the "I forgot the present" fake out! Chandler: How do you feel about the, "I really did forgot the present, please forgive me" not fake out? Monica: Oh that's okay. Don’t worry about it, you can give it to me when we get back. Chandler: Ohh that's the worse thing that can happen on an anniversary ever! Phoebe: Oh good! All right, so you decided to tell him about the Richard thing. Chandler: What-what Richard thing? Phoebe: Oh no. Chandler: What Richard thing? Phoebe: Simmons! Go with Simmons! Monica: Okay, I umm, I ran into Richard yesterday and he asked me if I wanted to go for a bite and I did. The only reason I didn't tell you is because I knew you'd get mad and I didn't want to spoil our anniversary. Chandler: I'm not mad. Monica: Really?! Chandler: Oh yeah! Yeah, so you-you bumped into Richard! You grabbed a bite! It's no big deal. Monica: Great! Phoebe: Okay, London 1… Rachel: Ross: Okay, vivid colors, expressive brush strokes—Unless she wants me to be looking at that. She knows I'm home. She knows I can see her. What kind of game is she playing? I think maybe someone's lonely tonight. Oh-ho, Dr. Geller! Stop it! You're being silly! Or, am I? Rachel: Ross: Hey. Commercial Break Ross: May I come in? Rachel: Uh, yeah, if you want too. Ross: Do you want me too? Rachel: Yeah, sure? Ross: So do I. Rachel: And um, what-what is that Ross? Ross: The physical act of love. Rachel: What?! Are you crazy? Ross: Oh so-so you weren't trying to entice me just now with your-your nakedness? Rachel: Oh God, you saw me?! Oh! Ross: You weren't trying to entice me with your nakedness. Rachel: Noo!! No! You thought, you actually thought I wanted to have sex with you?! Ross: No! No! Rachel: Ohh wow! I’m sorry, but Ross you kicked off your shoes! Ross: Can we, can we just forget this ever happened? Rachel: Yes of course, absolutely! You're right. I'm sorry. Ross: Thank you. Rachel: Yes. Ross: All right I guess I'm, gonna go pack. Rachel: Okay. Oh wait! One more thing umm, do-do we still need to uh settle the question of "us?" Phoebe: Hey you guys wait! Guys! This place is so much better than London! Okay? This lady dressed like Cleopatra gave me a coupon, 99 cent steak and lobster dinner. Huh! Monica: Phoebe, you don't eat animals. Phoebe: For 99 cents, I'd eat you. Oh! Look! Hi! Chandler: Oh my God. Phoebe: Hey! Joey! Joey: Hi! Chandler: Love your condoms my man. Joey: What-what are you guys doing here? I thought I told you not to come. Phoebe: Why are you dressed as a gladiator? Joey: Uhh, because I'm shooting a scene right now. Yeah, I uh, I play a gladiator. Uh, y'know what? Hold-hold on a second. Can we cut? Yeah, my-my friends are here, I'm gonna take a little break. Monica: Who are you talking too? Joey: They uh director. Uhh, her. All right, all right, it's not a gladiator movie. I work here. Chandler: Why?! What happened?! Joey: Well, the movie got shutdown because they ran out of money, so I'm working here 'til it starts up again, if it ever does. Monica: I'm so sorry. Joey: Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell ya. I'm sorry man. Chandler: No-no, that's okay, apparently there's a new policy where we don't have to share everything with everybody. Monica: I knew you were not okay with that. Phoebe: So you're a gladiator! Wow! Joey: Yeah, what-what's going on? Phoebe: Monica had lunch with Richard. Joey: Dawson?! Phoebe: Noo! But that would've been so cool! Chandler: No! Her boyfriend Richard! Monica: It meant nothing! Okay? After all this time, how can you not trust me? Chandler: When you go lunching with hunky moustache men and don't tell me about it! Monica: You're right. I'm sorry. I should've told you. Chandler: Thanks. Joey: Aww, there we go. Phoebe: I love Vegas! Monica: I promise you, next time I will absolutely tell you. Chandler: Next time? Joey: Ooh, so close. Chandler: There's not gonna be a next time! You can not ever see him again! Monica: I can not see him? I mean, you can't tell me what to do! Chandler: That's so funny, because I think I just did! Monica: Oh y'know what? If you're gonna be acting like this all night, I really, I don't even want to be around you. Chandler: Fine with me! Monica: Fine! Happy Anniversary! Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Guys! Please! Come on! Come on! This is obviously just a big misunderstanding. Monica: No it is not! Chandler: What are you talking… Joey: Hey-hey don't look at me! I just work here! Rachel: Okay umm, Ross? I'm-I'm really warm, so I'm going to be taking off my sweater. Now, I'm just letting you know that this is not an invitation to the physical act of love. Ross: Yep! That's hilarious! Rachel: I'm sorry. I'm done. I'm done. Ross: Y'know, last night was embarrassing for you too. Rachel: No, not really. I mean you've seen me naked hundreds of times. Ross: Uh-huh. But it was a first for the rest of my building. Rachel: Okay. All right, that's true! But y'know I just don't embarrass that easily. Ross: What?! You totally get embarrassed! Rachel: No, I don't! Ross, I think I'm just a more secure person than you are. Ross: Is that so? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Joey: Hey, y'know in Roman times this was more than just a hat. Chandler: Really? Joey: Yeah, sure! Sure! They would uh, they would scrub the floors with it! They would use it to get the mud off their shoe. And sometimes underneath the horse would get dirty so they would stick it right… Chandler: Joey, I uh! I can't believe this is how I'm spending my anniversary. Joey: All right well, I'll take you someplace nice then. Look! A guy tipped me a hundred bucks today. Chandler: Whoa! Joey: Yeah-yeah, he was playing blackjack for like an hour and he won $5,000. Can you believe that? $5,000! Chandler: Y'know, if I won $5,000 I'd join a gym, y'know build up my upper body and hit Richard from behind with a stick! Joey: Wait a minute! Why don't I do what that guy did? I'll take this $100 and turn it into $5,000! And then I'll turn that into enough money to get my movie going again! Chandler: Good luck! Joey: Chandler! I don't need luck. I have thought this through! Chandler: I see. Commercial Break Monica: Thank you. Phoebe: Thanks. Monica: I can't believe this! This is like the worst night ever! Phoebe: Y'know Monica you had a minor setback in your relationship with Chandler. Big deal! It's only Chandler. I am so sorry. Monica: This is crazy! I mean, it's such a stupid argument. I don't even wanna see Richard again. Phoebe: So go fix it! Go find Chandler! He's probably up in your room! Tell him that you're sorry and that you love him. Monica: Y'know what? You're right Phoebe. You're right. Thank you! Phoebe: Sure! Yeah! Las Vegas, number one! Monica: Anybody lose this? The Croupier: Comin' out. Place your bet. Monica: Hmm. Guy: Rachel: Yeah, all right. All right! Just keep walkin'! All right? Rachel: Ross! What are you… I'm sorry sir. I just, I think he just really likes you. Ross: Ross: What the? What… Rachel: Hi! The Flight Attendant: Miss? May I help you? Rachel: Yes, I'm sorry. Do you have any extra pants? Umm, my friend seems to have had a little accident. Joey: Blackjack Dealer: Changing one hundred! Good luck sir. Joey: Let's ride. Blackjack Dealer: 13. Joey: Hit me! Joey: Chandler! You are not gonna believe this! I have found my identical hand twin! Chandler: What? Joey: My identical hand twin! Chandler: What's an identical hand twin? Joey: What's it sound like? It's a guy with my identical hands! It was incredible! Chandler, the dealer's hands were exactly like me! It-it was like looking at my hands in a mirror! Chandler: Are you sure you weren't looking at your hands in a mirror? Joey: Don’t you see what this means?! I can forget about that stupid movie. I'm gonna be a millionaire! Chandler: How? Joey: Look, I don't have it all worked out yet, but it's gotta mean big money! Come on! Identical hands! Chandler: Again I must go back to, how? Joey: This is Vegas man! People will pay to see freaky stuff! Okay, how much would you pay to see this hand twice? Huh? Chandler: Y'know, I-I can't really put a price on that Joe. Joey: Hey, are you unsupporting me again? Chandler: No! No! I support you 100%! I just didn't, I didn't get it right away. Y'know now I'm caught up! Identical hand twins! It's a million-dollar idea! Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Pheebs!! Phoebe: Yeah? Joey: I found my identical hand twin! Phoebe: Ohh, you are so lucky! Hey! So, where's Monica? Did you guys make up? Chandler: No! Phoebe: But she just came up here! Chandler: That was Joey! Phoebe: I wonder where she is. That is so weird. Chandler: Yeah, well, she's probably talking to Richard. Phoebe: Would you stop that! Do you wanna know the first thing she said when she came back from her lunch with Richard? She didn't feel anything for him. She loves you! Chandler: Really? Phoebe: Yes! Now, she feels terrible! She really wants to make up! You gotta find her. Chandler: Okay. Phoebe: Good. I should really start wearing hats! The Flight Attendant: Welcome to Las Vegas. The Flight Attendant: Enjoy your flight? Rachel: Yes, I did. Thank you very much, it was excellent. The Flight Attendant: Hope you had a nice flight. Ross: Ohh, it was the best! Commercial Break Ross: I think the check in is that way. Rachel: Ahh. Rachel: Hello! Ohh, kids love me. Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Phoebe! Phoebe: You guys are here! Yay! Rachel: Hi! Phoebe: Rachel: Pancho Vila? Phoebe: Yeah! Rachel: What are you talking about Pheebs? Oh my God, you drew on me?! Ross: Hey, you wet my pants! Phoebe: Whoa, what kind of party was this? Rachel: Ross, I have been walking around like this since the plane! I can—you have so crossed a line. Ross: Rach! Wait! The men's room is that way. Phoebe: Ugh! Ross: What? Phoebe: That's like the third time that lady's won on a machine I was playing. Ross: Oooohhh, I'll bet she's one of those people. Phoebe: M-M-Mole people? Ross: What? No-no, a lurker. Phoebe: Oh. What's a lurker? Ross: Okay when you're playing a machine and it hasn't paid out, a lurker waits for you to give up and then… Phoebe: Kills you? Ross: No. They swoop in and steal your jackpot. Phoebe: Ohhh! Ross: Uh-hmm. Phoebe: How do you know about this? Ross: My nana used to do it. That's how she paid for all my dance—karate lessons. Phoebe: Dance karate? Ross: Yes, it's a deadly but beautiful sport. Rachel: All right, it won't come off! Ross: What?! Rachel: It won't come off! Ross: Oh my God! Rach-Rach, are-are-are you sure? Rachel: No, actually I took it off then I drew it back on. Joey: Hey-hey-hey you made it! Ross: Joey!! Joey: All right! Hey-hey! Rachel: Hi!! Joey: Who's your friend? He's hot! Ross: Thanks man. Rachel: Hi. Ross: Hey listen I uh, talked to Chandler, sorry about the movie. Joey: No, don't be sorry. I don't need it anymore. I found my identical hand twin! Ross: Your what? Joey: My identical hand twin! The person whose hands are exactly like mine! This thing is a gold mine! Ross: What?! That's not gonna make you any money! Joey: Okay. Well, if that's how you feel about it, fine! None of you get to live with me in my great big hand-shaped mansion! Except uh, you Pheebs. You can live in the thumb. Monica: All right baby, come on! Yes! Yes! I am on fire! Chandler: See you later Mon. Monica: Wait Chandler, what are you doing?! Chandler: What does it look like? I'm going home. Monica: What? Wait! Why? Chandler! Chandler! Wait! I’m sorry, I was just playing for one second! I was trying to find you to tell you that, look if you don't want me to see Richard again, I won't! He means nothing to me! Chandler: Come on! I was there! I know he's the love of your life. Monica: Not any more. Chandler: Really?! Monica: Really! Okay, this is empty. Chandler: Yeah, I wanted to make a dramatic scene, but I hate packing. Joey: Uhh, hey. Where's the other guy? The Woman Dealer: Which guy? Joey: He's kinda tall, dark hair, hand looks exactly like this. See? The Woman Dealer: I don't know about the hands, but the guy that was here before me just went to the bathroom. Joey: Okay! How you doin'? The Woman Dealer: Very busy. Joey: Right! Okay. Ross: Yeah, it's not coming off. Rachel: What?! What else did he say? Ross: Umm, he said he thought I was funny. So… Okay, look-look umm, let's just go downstairs, we'll have some fun, and you will forget all about it. Rachel: Ross, no! There is no way I am leaving this room looking like this! Ross: Oh, come on! Rach, it's-it's not that bad. Rachel: Ross, I am a human doodle!! Ross: Look, just because some idiot drew on your face doesn't mean you shouldn't have any fun! Okay? And besides, hey-hey-hey no one is even gonna look at you. Okay? This is Vegas! Hello! There are tons of other freaks here! There are tons…of…freaks here. No other. No. Come on! No one will notice, I swear! Ross: Okay, there was some staring and pointing. Rachel: Okay, I need a, I need a drink! Ross: Oh, hey y'know, they-they really overcharge you for that stuff. That is, one big drink! Rachel: Macadamia nut? Ross: Umm… Wow! That's-that's some pricey nut! Rachel: Hm-mmm! Ross: Really like those Macadamia nuts, huh? Rachel: Nope! Phoebe: Chandler: Hey Pheebs! Phoebe: Ohh! You made up! Monica: Yeah, I couldn't be mad at him for too long. Chandler: Yeah, she couldn't live without the Chan Love. Phoebe: Ohh, get a room. Monica: We have one. Phoebe: I know. Use it. Joey: Oh-oh-oh, yeah! That's right, you take good care of those babies! Joey's Hand Twin: Excuse me? Joey: It's me, Joey! Joey's Hand Twin: Do I know you? Joey: Joey! Joey's Hand Twin: Oh-ho, yeah. Yeah, the hand guy. Joey: Okay, so what are we going to do about this hand twin thing?! Joey's Hand Twin: Nothing? Joey: Look, you and I have been given a gift. Okay? We have to do something with it. Like-like, hand modeling! Huh? Or-or magic! And you know NASA's gonna wanna talk to us! Joey's Hand Twin: I have to get back to… Joey: This hand is your hand! This hand is my hand! Oh wait, that's your hand! No wait, it's my hand! Joey's Hand Twin: That's okay. Joey: But you haven't even heard the chorus! Rachel: Oh my God, I'm starting to look like my great aunt, Muriel. Ross: 13. Rachel: Hit me! Ross: Rachel: I bet 20. Ross: You're right! Monica: Yes! Chandler: Yes! I've-I've never seen a roll like this in my life! Monica: That's right baby! Okay, what do I want now? Chandler: Okay, ah umm, ah, a 8. Ah, a 6? Monica: Pick a number! That is your only job! Chandler: 8. 8! Monica: Thank you! Chandler: If you get this one, we buy everybody here a steak dinner! All: Yay!! The Croupier: 8! Monica: Yes! All: Yay!! Monica: We're not really gonna buy these people steak dinners are we? Chandler: Noo! Monica: Okay, good! Okay, what do I want now? Chandler: Ahh, ooh, try a hard 8. Monica: What? Chandler: Two fours. Monica: Okay. The Croupier: 8!: A Drunken Gambler: Don't you let her go! You're a lucky guy! Chandler: Thank you, Mister Drunken Gambler! Okay, you get this and uh, we get the biggest suite in the place! get the biggest suite in the place. Monica: All right, biggest suite in the place. Come on! Chandler: Yes!! I love you! I can't even remember what we were fighting about! Monica: Oh, that's because I had lunch with Rich—Me neither! Okay, what do I want now? Chandler: Another hard 8. Monica: Hard 8?! We should call it easy 8! Chandler: Okay, okay, I tell you what. You roll another hard eight; and we get married here tonight. Drunken Gambler: Go! Come on! Roll! All: Roll-roll!! Monica: Shut up!! It just got interesting! Commercial Break Monica: What did you just say? Chandler: You roll another hard eight and we get married here tonight. Monica: Are you serious?! Chandler: Yes! I love you! I've never loved anybody as much as I love you. Monica: I've never loved anybody as much as I love you. Chandler: Okay, so if an eight comes up, we take it as a sign and we do it! {Whoa! Where have I heard that before? Matthew Perry talking about signs in Las Vegas. I guess it must've been some movie I saw.} What do you say? Monica: Okay! Chandler: Okay! Come on! Let's go! All right! Chandler: Okay! That's a four! And where-where's the other one? Drunken Gambler: It went under the table. Monica: Nobody move! Okay, you look that way; I'll look this way! Chandler: All right! Chandler: Here it is! Here it is! Monica: That could be a four or a five. It's your call. Chandler: It's a four. Monica: I think so too. Phoebe: Oh well, lost again. That's it! You and me, outside! The Lurker: I don't want to see you lose a chunk of that pretty blond hair! Phoebe: Be cool! Okay lady, your lurking days are over! The Lurker: What?! Phoebe: Yeah, from now on everyone you lurk, I'm gonna lurk first! You move on to someone else, I'm gonna be one step ahead of you, every single time! And then I'll be on your ass every hour of every day 'til Monday, because that's when I go home. When do you leave? The Lurker: Also Monday. Phoebe: What time? Maybe we can share a cab! Rachel: Hit me. Ross: We need more cards. Rachel: Yeah, and also we need more umm, drinks. Hold on a second. Hello! Vegas? Yeah, we would like some more alcohol, and y'know what else? We would like some more beers. Hello? Ohh, I forgot to dial! Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers! Joey: Hey! Ross: Ohh, it's Joey! I love Joey! Rachel: Ohh, I love Joey! Joey lives with a duck! Joey: Hi! Rachel: Hey! Joey: Look-look-look you guys, I need some help! Okay? Someone is going to have to convince my hand twin to cooperate! Ross: I'll do it. Hey, whatever you need me to do, I'm your man. Whoa-oh-whoa! Are you, are you okay? Joey: Yeah! I'm fine! Thanks! Hey Rach, how you doin'? Rachel: I'm doin' good, baby. How you doin'? Joey: Ross, don't let her drink anymore! Ross: Ohh, here's that Macadamia nut! Rachel: Ohhh!! Ross: Rachel: Oops! All right, so what do you want to do now? Ross: I wanna get out of the room! Y'know, I…I really miss downstairs. Rachel: Okay, y'know what? There's only one way I'm leaving this hotel room. Ross: Well hello! I'm Ross! Rachel: Good luck to ya! Ross: Excuse me sir, you've got a little something right here. Rachel: Wow! Ross: Hello! Rachel: Hello! Ross and Rachel: Hello! Phoebe: I won! I won! I finally won! The Lurker: I won! That was my quarter! Phoebe: Fine! Here! Take a hike toots! The Lurker: The Security Guard: Is that true miss? Phoebe: Sells drugs to kids. The Security Guard: What?! Phoebe: She sells drugs to kids. The Lurker: It was my quarter! The Security Guard: Was it her quarter? Phoebe: How about we talk about this over dinner? The Security Guard: Okay lady, you're out of here. Phoebe: No! No, you can't arrest me! No!! I won't go back! I won't go back to that hell hole!! The Security Guard: I'm just taking you outside! Phoebe: Oh, okay. Monica: Okay, come on, I can't get married until I get something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue. Chandler: Okay, all right, all right, all right! Okay! Okay, here's something, here's something blue and new. Monica: You're so efficient. I love you! Chandler: Let's go! Monica: No-no-no! We need something old! Chandler: Ohh, great, I have condom in my wallet I've had since I was twelve. Monica: That'll work! Chandler: I don't think so. Monica: Okay, now we just need something borrowed! Chandler: Monica: That's stealing! Chandler: No, we'll-we'll bring it back! Just put it under your dress. Monica: Ohh. Chandler: Okay, one thing at a time. Joey: Joey's Hand Twin: Are you gonna play? Joey: No-no, I don't really have any money. Not yet, anyway… Joey's Hand Twin: You can't sit here if you're not gonna play. Joey: Phoebe: Ooh, what did I do with my file-a-facts? I must've left it in conference room B. Joey's Hand Twin: 14. Joey: Hit me! Phoebe: Oh my God! May I just say that you two gentlemen have the exact same hands! They're identical! Now, I've never seen anything like that in the business world. Joey's Hand Twin: Stop it! Joey: Uhh, Ms. Phalange, may I ask you a question as an impartial person at-at this table? Joey's Hand Twin: Please stop it! Joey: Wouldn't you pay good money to see these identical hands showcased in some type of a uh, entertainment venue? Joey's Hand Twin: If you leave now, I will chop off my hand and give it too you! The Security Guard: Didn't I just throw you out of here? Phoebe: No, you threw out Phoebe. I'm Ms. Regina Phalange. Phalange! The Security Guard: Come on, lady! Joey's Hand Twin: Please, please take him too. Joey: Me?! Oh come on, man! You can't do this! Come on! I'm your hand twin!! Chandler: Hello! One marriage please! Monica: Yep, we wanna get married! The Attendant: Well, there's a service in progress. Have a seat. Chandler and Monica: All right. Chandler: Dum! Dum-dum-dum! Dum! Dum! Dum! Dum-dum-dum! Monica: What are you doing? Chandler: Oh, that's The Wedding March. Does, does that freak you out? Monica: No, only because that's the graduation song. Chandler: Okay! We're gonna get married! Monica: Are you sure you wanna do this? Ross: Well, hello, Mrs. Ross! Rachel: Well, hello, Mr. Rachel! Rachel: Wait! Okay! Ending Credits Written by: Adam Chase Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Chandler: Okay! We're gonna get married! Monica: Are you sure you wanna do this? Ross: Well, hello, Mrs. Ross! Rachel: Well, hello, Mr. Rachel! Rachel: Wait! Okay! Monica: Whoa! Chandler: Oh my God! Joey: Come on Pheebs! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Phoebe: Okay! Okay! Okay! Chandler: Oh my God!! Is everybody getting married?!! Attendant: N-No running in the chapel! Phoebe: Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey! Monica: What are you guys doing here? Joey: Ross and Rachel left us a message saying they were getting married! Isn’t that why you guys are here? Chandler: Yes! Well that-yes. Monica: Why else would we be here? Joey: Well! What happened?! Did we miss it? Chandler: We actually missed it. Phoebe: Well, maybe you wouldn’t have had you run in the chapel! Monica: This is insane! Phoebe: What’s the big deal, y’know? It’s not like it’s a real marriage. Chandler: What?! Phoebe: Yeah, if you get married in Vegas, you’re only married in Vegas. Monica: What are you talking about? If you get married in Vegas you’re married everywhere. Phoebe: Really?! Monica: Yeah! Phoebe: Oh my God!—Eh! Well… Opening Credits {Transciber’s note: In case you haven’t heard, Courteney Cox got married to David Arquette during hiatus and changed her name to Courteney Cox Arquette. But David was a busy boy during the off season for not only did he marry but everyone else as well. For they’re all listed as Jennifer Aniston Arquette, Lisa Kudrow Arquette, in an interesting twist Matt LeBlanc Arquette, Matthew Perry Arquette, David Schwimmer Arquette, and even the creators of the show are now David Crane Arquette and Marta Kauffman Arquette. I just wonder what the new sleeping arrangements are…} Rachel: Ohhh! Ross: Why are we in bed together? Rachel: I don’t know. Do-do you have any clothes on? Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Really?! Ross: No! But we-we didn’t have…sex-uh, did we? I mean, I don’t remember much about last night, it was such a blur. Rachel: Oh! I remember laughing! I laughed a lot. Ross: And we didn’t have sex. Rachel: Ohh, I mean, we were really drunk. I’m just glad we didn’t do anything stupid. Ross: Joey: Mornin’ Pheebs. Well, my movie has officially been canceled. Phoebe: Oh Joey, I’m so sorry. You want some of my breakfast? Joey: Nah, I’m too depressed to eat. I’ll probably eat in like 5 minutes. So I guess I’ll just fly home with you guys, what time’s your flight? Phoebe: What about my cab? Joey: I don’t need that anymore. Phoebe: No, Joey! You borrowed my cab; you have to drive it back. Joey: I don’t want to drive all the way back by myself, I get so lonely. Oh—ooh! How about you come with me? Phoebe: I don’t know, it’s such a long trip. Joey: It’ll be great! We-we could talk, and play games! Huh? This could be our chance to like renew our friendship. Phoebe: Are you asking me to have a frenaissance? Joey: Sure? Phoebe: All right. Although I don’t think we need one, I never stopped loving you. Chandler: Hi! Joey: Hey. Monica: Hey. Chandler: So, has anyone talked to Dr. and Mrs. Geller yet? Phoebe: Um-hmm, yeah. They left me a message; they should be here any minute. Joey: Where is the waitress?! I’m starving! Chandler: It’s a buffet man. Joey: Oh, here’s where I win all my money back! Chandler: Listen, I gotta talk to you. Joey: Sure! What’s up? Chandler: Monica and I almost got married last night. Joey: Oh my God! That’s huge! Wait a minute, why come I wasn’t invited? And who was going to be your best man? Don’t say, "Ross." Do not say, "Ross." Chandler: Look, I just don’t think Monica and I are ready to get married yet! Y’know? I mean, I love her and everything but seeing Ross and Rachel coming out of that chapel was like a, like a wake-up call that Monica and I are moving so fast. Y’know? And, how do I tell her without crushing her? Joey: Oh! Tell her she’s not marriage material. Chandler: What?! Joey: Girls say it to me all the time! And believe me, if she’s anything like me, she’s just gonna be relieved. Monica: How do I tell Chandler that it’s too soon. It’s gonna break his heart, he’s not gonna think that I don’t love him anymore. Phoebe: Well you don’t. Monica: Yes I do! Phoebe: Good! Good! I was just testing you. Chandler: Hi. Monica: Oh hi! Hi! Y’know, we were just talking about bacon. Phoebe: No, we were talking about tennis. Tennis is more believable. Ross: Hey! The Girls: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Ross: What? Chandler: Are we gonna talk about what you guys did last night? Or… Rachel: What do you mean last night? Nothing, nothing uh, happened last night. Ross: Yeah! Phoebe: Uh-huh! Ross invited us all to watch. Monica: Rach! We weren’t gonna miss our friends getting married! Rachel: Chandler: You did. Ross: What?! Hello! We didn’t get married. Rachel: No, we didn’t get married! That’s ridiculous! Ross: We-we-we—I remember being in a chapel. Rachel: Oh my God. Ross: I—They would not let us get married when we were that drunk! Rachel: No! Joey: They let you get married when you’re drunk! Most people who get married in Vegas are drunk! Phoebe: Hell, I’m drunk right now! What? I can’t have a mimosa with breakfast?! I’m on vacation! Monica: What are you guys gonna do? Rachel: Well, I guess we just find a divorce lawyer? Chandler: Well, I think, I think, Ross already has one. Now, this one’s free, right? Because you paid for the first two, so the third one’s free. Ross: Laugh it up, but the joke’s on you. Because we don’t need to get divorced, okay? We we’re just gonna get an annulment. Joey: An annulment? Ross! I don’t think surgery’s the answer here. Phoebe: Oh-oh, that’s your thing. Ross: What? Phoebe: You’re thing. You’re thing. Y’know? You’re the guy who gets divorced. All: Oh yeah! Ross: No-no, that’s-that’s not my thing! I do not love getting divorced! Phoebe: Yes you do! This is your third divorce! You love divorce so much you’re probably gonna marry it! Then it won’t work out and you’re gonna have to divorce it, divorcing guy. I’m so drunk. Monica: So, what do you think we should do? Chandler: I don’t know. But I-I-I know I love you! Monica: I know I love you! Chandler: So where are we on the whole going back to the place where they have all the marriages thing? I love you. Monica: That’s a good question. Look umm, last night we let the dice decide. Maybe we should leave it up to fate again. I love you! Chandler: Yes, we don’t get married unless there’s a sign! Okay, so say uh, say you roll another eight then there’s a definite sign that we should get married. Monica: All right, eight we get married, but 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12 we don’t get married. Chandler: Sounds great. Monica: Okay. Croupler: Coming in, we got a shooter! Money please. Monica: Ready? Chandler: Ready! Monica: Come on eight. Chandler: Yes, yes eight. Croupler: Eight! Easy eight. Monica: Wow! I can’t believe I actually rolled an eight. Chandler: That was so unlikely. Well, let’s get married! I guess. Monica: Wait a minute. That wasn’t a hard eight! Last night I rolled a hard eight. Chandler: That’s right! It was the wrong kind of eight, no wedding! Damnit! Monica: I wanted it so bad! Wanna go pack? Chandler: Yeah. We’re doing the right thing, right? Monica: Ohh, of course we are! Phoebe: Okay, you have 19 questions left. Use them wisely. QUESTIONS!!! Joey: What?! Phoebe: Well, you promised me a fun road trip! We’ve been on the road six hours and you’ve been asleep for five and a half! We are switching at the next rest stop and you are going to drive all the way back! That will be your punishment, you greedy sleeper! Joey: All right. All right. Phoebe: Yeah! And until then you are going to sing to me because the radio’s broken and you are selfish but have a nice voice. Joey: Really? I don’t… Phoebe: Sing!! Joey: Joey: Hitchhiker: Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hey, hubby! Ross: Yeah. Yeah, actually um, I wanted to talk to you about that whole annulment thing? Rachel: Uh-huh. Ross: I’m not going to do that. Commercial Break Rachel: Okay! So, we’ll just stay married. Ross: Yes, exactly! Rachel: And I will make everyone call me Mrs. Geller! Ross: Wow! This is so amazing. I uh, I really thought I’d have to talk you into this more. Rachel: Okay, see now I’m scared because I don’t actually think you’re kidding. Ross: I’m-I’m not kidding. Look I-I, I can’t have three failed marriages. I can’t. Okay? I-I am not gonna be that guy! Rachel: What-wh-what so we’ll just stay married forever?! Ross: Okay, look, how is this gonna affect you? Really? I mean you fill some form out once and a while and instead of checking the box that says Ms you check the box that says Mrs.! It’s right next to it! Rachel: Ohh, okay, I’m sorry. You’re right. Y’know what? We absolutely can stay married, because I was under the impression that the boxes were far away from each other. All right, look, just please, take a moment here and think about what you’re asking of me. Ross: I’m asking you to do me a favor. {Note: Does anyone else want to smack Ross right about now? Raise your hands. Okay, put them down before you stink out the person next to you.} Rachel: You are asking me to be your wife! Ross: And as my wife I think you should grant me this favor. Monica: That kid really kicked me hard on the plane. Chandler: Well you did pull his hair. Monica: He took my snack! Chandler: I’m not getting into this again! Monica: Okay! Oh God, y’know what? It’s really bad. Chandler:  Well, I told you not to walk. Here. Monica: This doesn’t mean anything, does it? Chandler: No! Monica: Okay. Phoebe: , a rapist or a killer or something! Joey: Don’t you think I asked him that before he got in?! Phoebe: Y’know what? I’m not talking to you! You go back to sleep! And you, are you a rapist?! Hitchhiker: No! Phoebe: Do you like car games? Hitchhiker: Yeah, y’know the license plate game? Phoebe: I love the license plate game! Joey: Ooh, I’ll play! I’ll play! Phoebe: No-No! You need your sleep. Night-night! Shh! Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Ross: Listen, I know you wanted to talk to me, but I have an idea that may make you want to stay married. We register, and you get to keep all the presents! Rachel: No! Ross, come on! No! Listen, look I thought a lot about how to tell you this and the bottom line, Ross, is we can not stay married. Ross: I don’t know if it’s true. Rachel: Oh b-b-but it is! Ross: Oh, okay, y’know what this is? This is a difference of opinion. And when that happens in a marriage... Rachel: Oh Ross, come on! This is not, this is not a marriage!! This is the world’s worst hangover! Ross, listen, if you do not get this annulment, I will! Ross: All right. All right, I’ll do it. Rachel: Thank you. Hey-hey umm, uh, is there, is there any such thing as an annulment shower? Hitchhiker: Wait! Wait! There is the train station! Phoebe: Oh, okay. Hitchhiker: This is where I get off. Well, I have your address and phone number. Phoebe: And I have your name and the fact that you’re a drifter, so the ball’s pretty much in your court. Hitchhiker: All right, see ya Pheebs. Joey: Come on Pheebs! I can’t take this anymore! Let-let me make it up to you. Huh? Ground control to Major Tom. Commencing countdown, engines on. Take your protein pills and put your helmet on! Phoebe: Stop it! Stop it no! That’s not fair! Y’know I can’t resist that beautiful voice! Joey: Pheebs, I am so sorry! I know I promised you a fun road trip with your friend and I didn’t deliver. But-but-but now I know that you think being awake is an important part of friendship! So, so, so I will strive to-to stay awake for as long as I know you. Phoebe: You can still sleep at night and stuff. Joey: Well, thank you. So, can we play 20 Questions now? I’ve got a really good one! I’ve been thinking about it since Kansas. Phoebe: Okay. Is it a kind of hot sandwich? Joey: Yes. Phoebe: Is it a meatball sub? Joey: That is incredible! You are the master! Rachel: Huh, that’s funny. You look like you’re gonna be the… Monica: No, don’t say it! Don’t even think it! Rachel: All right. Okay Chandler, enjoy your handful. Chandler: All right, should we just, should we just get married? Y’know? I mean should we just do it? All the signs are telling us to do it. Monica: I’m sick of the signs! It’s too fast, I’m happy the way things are! Chandler: Me too! Monica: I don’t want things to change! Do you? Chandler: No! Monica: All right then, then nothing changes! Everything is great! Everything stays the same! And you go unpack because it’s been three days and it’s driving me insane! Chandler: Jeez, relax! It’s not like we’re mar-ah-ah!! Chandler: Y’know I was thinking, what if I uh, unpack here? Monica: Then all your stuff would be here. Chandler: Well, what if all my stuff was here? Monica: Then you’d be going back and forth all the time, I mean it doesn’t make any sense. Chandler: Okay. What if we lived together and you understand what I’m saying? Monica: Live together? There have been no signs for that. Chandler: Me asking is kind of a sign. Monica: YES!!!!!!!! Chandler: Okay!!!!! Monica: Yes! Okay! Okay! Wait-wait-wait! Chandler: Okay. Monica: Here’s your key Chandler: Oh thanks. Monica: Here’s your key. All right, you have to christen it! Now, go out and come back in! Chandler: The door hasn’t been locked in five years, but okay! Ready?! Monica: Ready! Chandler: Okay, a little problem. The key broke in the lock and I can’t get in! Monica: Wait! Oh my God! I can’t get out! Chandler: This is not a sign! Monica: No, it’s not a sign! It’s a very old key! Chandler: It’s an old key! Monica: Oh my God it’s old! Chandler: I love you! Monica: I love you! Chandler: Are you hugging the door right now. Monica: No. Chandler: Yeah-yeah, me neither. Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hey, so did everything go all right with the annulment? Ross: Oh, yeah, no problems. It’s all taken care of. Rachel: Ross, thank you. Hey, do you guys wanna go see a movie? Ross: Oh yeah, why not? Rachel: Pheebs? Phoebe: No thanks, I’ve already seen one. Rachel: Okay, umm, I’m gonna get my sweater. Ross: Okay. You uh, you wanna hear something weird? Phoebe: Always. Ross: I didn’t get the annulment. Phoebe: What?! Ross: We’re still married! Don’t tell Rachel. See you later. Ending Credits Joey: What are you doing? Chandler: The key’s stuck in the lock. Joey: I can fix it. Hold on. Chandler: It still doesn’t work. Joey: I’m not finished. Chandler: Oh. Chandler: Nice job Joe! You’re quite the craftsmen. End Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hey, so did everything go okay with the annulment? Ross: Oh, yeah, no problems. It’s all taken care of. Rachel: Ross, thank you. Hey, do you guys wanna go see a movie? Ross: Oh yeah, why not? Rachel: Okay, umm, I’m gonna get my sweater. Ross: Okay. You uh, you wanna hear something weird? Phoebe: Always. Ross: I didn’t get the annulment. Phoebe: What?! Ross: We’re still married! Don’t tell Rachel. See you later. Ross: Hey, do you have any gum? Rachel: Oh? Yeah! Sure! Phoebe: Wait! Wait! Hi! Listen, Ross can I just talk to you for just a second? Rachel: Oh but Phoebe, we’re gonna be late for the movie. Phoebe: Oh, there’s a cab! Taxi!! Rachel: Yeah, we’re, we’re actually just gonna walk ‘cause it’s right up there at the Angelica. Phoebe: Oh, the Angelica!! Go! Go! You didn’t get the annulment?!! Ross: I know. Phoebe: Ross?! Ross: Well, I tried! But when I got to my lawyer’s office all I could hear was, "Three divorces. Three divorces!" Look, I just don’t want my tombstone to read, Ross Gellar, Three Divorces. Phoebe: Don’t be worried about that! Your tombstone can say whatever you want it to say! It could say, Ross Geller, Good at Marriage! Y’know? Mine’s gonna say Phoebe Buffay, Buried Alive. Ross: Look, all I know is I-I can’t have another failed marriage! Phoebe: So okay what? You’re gonna be married to a girl who doesn’t even know about it?!—Op, woman! Sorry. Ross: Well, okay so, I don’t have it all worked out quite yet. Just don’t say anything to Rachel, please? Phoebe: Rachel is one of my closest friends. Although, being the only one who knows anything about this does makes me feel special. Okay! Rachel: Okay, stop-stop! Phoebe?! Phoebe: Hey Rach! Rachel: What was that?! Phoebe: Sorry, mix up. Hey, how was the movie? Rachel: I haven’t seen it yet! Phoebe: Well then you’d better hurry! The Angelica! Go! Go! Rachel: Noooooooo!! Opening Credits {Transciber’s note: In case you’re wondering, and I know you are. Their names are all back to normal. Just in a slightly smaller font than usual to allow Courteney Cox Arquette to fit on one line and not be smaller than the rest of their names. Now, on with the show…} Chandler: Y’know when we move in together, can I get a gumball machine? Monica: Of course! Joey wouldn’t let you have one? Chandler: No. When it comes to sweets, he’s surprisingly strict. Monica: Hey, have you figured out a way to tell him you’re moving out? Chandler: No, no, I keep trying, y’know? I can get out, "Joey, I have too…" but then I lose my nerve and I always finish with, "…go to the bathroom." He may think I’m sick. Monica: Y’know, I really have to tell Rachel, but I… We just have to get it over with! Y’know, the next time we see them we’re just gonna tell them. Okay? That’s it. Chandler: Oh, so that’s this is gonna work now? You’re just gonna order me around all the time? Monica: Pretty much. Chandler: All right. Joey: Hey Monica! Monica: Hi! Joey: Monica: Joey, we have something to tell you. Joey: Oh my God! You’re pregnant! Chandler: No-o-o! No-o-o! Look Joey, here’s the thing, Monica and I have decided to live together, here. So, I’m gonna be moving out man. Joey: Wow! Monica: Wait! Joey! Joey! Are you okay?! Joey: Yeah, I gotta go! I got an acting job. Like you’d believe that. This sucks! Chandler: Look, I-I’m just gonna be right across the hall and I promise you, the minute Monica and I break up I’m moving right back in with you! Joey: Monica: Hey Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey, have you seen Rachel? Phoebe: No, why? Monica: I have some pretty exciting news! Phoebe: You’re pregnant! Monica: No! Chandler and I are moving in together! Phoebe: Ooh! That’s good! Wow! But now if you were pregnant, what would you name it? Hint: Phoebe. Ross: Hey! Hi! Monica: Hey! Ross: What’s up? Monica: Well umm, Chandler and I are moving in together. Ross: Oh my God. Ohh, my little sister and my best friend…shaking up. Oh, that’s great. That’s great. Phoebe: Guys, I’m happy too. Monica: Okay, come here! Phoebe: Wow! Big day huh? People moving in, people getting annulled… Monica: Okay, I gotta go find Rachel but umm, if you guys see her could you please try to give her some really bad news so that mine doesn’t seem so bad? Ross: Bye. Phoebe: Hmm, something bad to tell Rachel… Bad news for Rachel, what could that be?! Ross: Could ya just, could ya just lay off, please? All right? My life is an embarrassment! I should go live under somebody’s stairs! Phoebe: Ross, it’s not that big a deal! So you’ll been divorced three times, you’ll still have a life, you’ll go on dates… Ross: No! No, I won’t! I’ll be at the bottom of the dating barrel now. The only guys below me will be Four Divorce Guy uh, Murderer Guy, and-and, Geologists. Phoebe: Ross, you’re being ridiculous! Okay? You are cute and smart and sweet and that is much more important than three stupid divorces! Ross: Oh yeah? Have you ever dated anyone who has been divorced three times? Phoebe: Y’know that’s really fair. Y’know? Most guys who have been divorced three times are like 60. Ross, nobody cares about this except you! This-this embarrassment thing is all in your head! Here, I’ll show you! Come here. Ross: What?! Why? Phoebe: Hi! Hi! Listen, my friend Ross is about to be divorced for the third time, but wouldn’t you date him? Ross: And if you wait right here, I’ll go get Ross. Chandler: Hey! Monica: Ugh, I thought you were Rachel! Chandler: What gave me away? Monica: I just tell her, I have to get it over with. I told Ross and Phoebe and she’s the only one left! Chandler: Okay, so that’s it, everybody knows! It’s official, we’re moving in together. No turning back. Are ya scared? Are ya? Monica: No. Chandler: Wow that was my scariest voice! You’re very brave. Rachel: Hey! Chandler: Hey. Rachel: Ugh, the worse day! Y’know, you think you’re making progress at work and then your boss calls you Raquel. Chandler: Hey listen, for the first four years of my work everybody called me Sha-la-lap. Seriously. Rachel: I believe you. So, it was right in the middle of a staff meeting so of course no one else wants to correct her so everyone else is calling me Raquel! By the end of the day, the mailroom guys were calling me Rocky! Chandler: Well, I-I still think you’re very-very nice and very pretty… Rachel: What? Chandler: Monica: Have a seat. Okay, listen umm, Chandler and I are going to live together, here. Rachel: Oh my God! That’s so great! I’m so happy for you guys! Monica: Really?! Rachel: And that was so sweet of you to ask! Oh my God, the three of us are gonna have such a good time living together! Monica: Yes, we are. Rachel: And Chandler, you’re gonna have to watch those long showers you take in the morning because you know Raquel can’t be late. Chandler: Rach… Monica: Yeah, he’s gonna work on that. Rachel: Ohh! This is so exciting! Oh God… Come and knock on my door… Monica: We’ll be waiting for you… {Transciber’s note: I’ll finish that one for those of you who don’t know what they’re talking about. Where the towels are Hers and Hers and His, Three’s Company too! Yeah, that’s the theme song for Three’s Company.} Commercial Break Ross: …once you know the stories, it’s not that bad. First marriage, wife’s hidden sexuality, not my fault. Second marriage, said the wrong name at the altar, a little my fault. Third marriage, well they really shouldn’t allow you to get married when you’re that drunk and have writing all over your face, Nevada’s fault. Phoebe: Okay, so what do you think ladies? Who wouldn’t be interested? Who wouldn’t want to date him? Stephanie: Well the divorces don’t bother me, I’d date him. But, not while he’s still married. Phoebe: Okay, what about you? Wouldn’t you want a date? Karin: Actually, I’m dating at all anymore. See, I figured out that I was only dating guys that were like y’know bad for me, so until I work that out… Phoebe: Whatever! What about you Meg? Meg: Well, I don’t care about the divorces either, but I wouldn’t date him. It’s just that he’s obviously still in love with this Rachel girl. Ross: What?! Phoebe: Ross: This is crazy! I mean, yes-yes Rachel is my good friend and I-I have loved her in the past, but now, she is just my wife! Phoebe, will you-will you help me out here? Phoebe: Well, I thought you loved her when you-when you married her. Ross: We were drunk! I would’ve married uh, Joey with that amount of alcohol! Phoebe: Hey! You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribbiani!! Ross: Look, I’m sorry, but you guys are wrong. I just don’t want to be divorced three times. Phoebe: Yes, and now he’s using this three divorces reason because he wants to stay married to her because he loves her. I must say, "Well done!" Bravo Meg. Ross: —Nothing!! Meg: Okay now I wouldn’t date you because you seem a little creepy. Karin: I am so attracted to him right now. Chandler: Okay, when are we gonna tell Rachel what is actually gonna happen? Monica: Soon! I-I just couldn’t before. You saw how upset Joey got! I couldn’t do that to her, she’s my best friend! Chandler: Well, Joey’s my best friend. Monica: I’m not your best friend? Chandler: You just said… Of course you’re my best friend. Would you please tell Rachel though? Monica: All right, all right, at least I’m prepared. Chandler: Okay. Monica: Hey! Chandler: Hey-hey! Monica: These aren’t for you! Are you upset? Chandler: I am now! Rachel: Hey roomie! Chandler: Okay, bye! Monica: Rach, there’s something uh, important I have to tell you. Rachel: Are you pregnant?! Monica: No! But, I’m throwing this shirt away! I think there was a little misunderstanding before. Rachel: Um-hmm. Monica: Umm, when I said that uh, that Chandler and I wanted to umm, live together we meant alone together. Rachel: Oh my God! Oh, that’s funny, I can’t believe I did that. Monica: Oh no sweetie, no! This is my fault, I wasn’t clear! I’m really sorry. And listen, you take as much time as you need to move out okay? There’s absolutely no rush. Rachel: Okay. Monica: Okay. Don’t you want a cookie? Rachel: Sure? Thanks. Monica: Maybe, do you need a tissue? Rachel: Monica, where did you get these?! Monica: I made them! Rachel: Ooh, good God, they’re so yummy! Joey: God, it’s gonna so weird like when I come home and you’re not here. Y’know? No more Joey and Chan’s. No more J and C’s. "You wanna go over to Joey and Chandler’s?" "Can’t, its not there." Chandler: Look, I’m just gonna be across the hall, we can still do all the same stuff. Joey: Yeah but we won’t be able to like get up in the middle of the night and have those long talks about our feelings and the future. Chandler: Not once did we do that. Monica: Hi. Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hi. Monica: So I, I told Rachel it was just gonna be the two of us. Chandler: Oh yeah? Well, how’d she take it? Monica: Really well. Yeah. Surprisingly well. Yeah, she didn’t cry. She wasn’t angry or sad. Chandler: And you’re upset because you didn’t make your best friend cry? Monica: I mean, all I’m asking for is just a little emotion! Is that too much to ask after six years?! I mean what? Are-are-are Rachel and I not as close as you guys?! I mean do we not have as much fun?! Don’t I deserve a few tears?!! I mean we-we told Joey, he cried his eyes out! Joey: Hey! I did not cry my eyes out!! Come on! It’s like the end of an era! No more J-man and Channie’s!! Chandler: Okay, I gotta ask, who calls us that?! Russell: You got married again. Ross: Yes. Russell: So that’s your second marriage in two years. Ross: Yes, second in two years. Third overall. Russell: Ross, I have been a divorce attorney for 23 years and never had I so much business from one client. Why don’t you tell me what happened. Ross: Basically, Rachel and I were in Vegas and we got drunk… Russell: I’m sorry, is this the same Rachel who’s name you said at the altar in the second marriage? Ross: Yes-yes-yes! But, I-I do not love her. Russell: Oh, that’s better then. Ross: This was just a drunken mistake and I need to get it annulled. Russell: I see. Have you considered therapy? Ross: I think just the annulment for today. Russell: There are a couple of forms to fill out. Ross: Easy. Russell: And we’ll need to have witnesses who can testify that you were not of uh, sound mind. Ross: No problem. Russell: And we’ll need you and Rachel to testify before a judge. Ross: Ooh! There’s no way to do this without her? ‘Cause I kinda all ready told her uh, it was, it was already taken care of. Russell: Of course you did. Look Ross, you can’t get an annulment unless you and Rachel are both there. Ross: Uh-ha, what about someone who looks like Rachel? I will think about the therapy. Rachel: Hey! Monica: Hey. So um, I was thinking that maybe we should start dividing up our stuff. Rachel: Okay! Monica: Y’know, no point in dragging it out. Dragging out the long process of you moving out and us not living together anymore. Rachel: Okay. Monica: Hey Rach, what about this? Huh? Who-who gets this? See, I don’t know if I want it because it might be y’know, too many memories! Rachel: What the hell is that? Monica: I don’t know. Hey, Rachel, you want the big plate? I want you to have the big plate. Rachel: Wow! Mon, thanks! I love this plate! Monica: Something to remember me by! Rachel: Mon, honey you’re not dying. I’m just moving out. Y’know, I mean we’re gonna see each other all the time. Monica: But still, it’s a big change. The end of an era, you might say! Rachel: Are you okay? You’re not blinking. Monica: I’m fine! I just, I’m thinking how much it’s an end of era. Rachel: Oh, all right. But y’know I gotta say, I don’t, I don’t think six years counts as an era. Monica: An era is defined as a significant period of time. Now, it was significant to me, maybe it wasn’t significant to you! Rachel: What is the matter with you?! Monica: What is the matter with you?!! Why aren’t you more upset?! Aren’t you gonna be sad that we’re not gonna be living together anymore?! I mean aren’t you gonna miss me at all?! Rachel: All right, fine, but don’t get mad at me. It’s-it’s just a little hard to believe. Monica: What’s hard to believe? Rachel: Well y’know, it’s you guys. You-you do this kind of stuff! Y’know? I mean, you-you were gonna get married in Vegas and then you backed out! I guess I’m not upset because I don’t see you guys going through with it. I’m sorry. Monica: Rachel, it’s going to happen. Chandler is gonna move in here. Rachel: But I… Monica: No-no, wait! Just let me finish, okay? This isn’t something that we just, we just impulsively decided in-in Vegas, this is something we both really want. And it is going to happen. Rachel: It is? Really? Monica: Yeah, sweetie. Rachel: I mean we’re not, we’re not gonna live together anymore? Monica: No. Rachel: What? Oh my God! I’m gonna miss you so much! Monica: I’m gonna miss you! Rachel: I mean it’s the end of an era! Monica: I know! Phoebe: Okay, bye! Ross: Oh no. Phoebe: So? Did you get the annulment? Ross: I couldn’t. Phoebe: I knew it! Because you love Rachel. Ross: It’s not that. Okay? Annulments are more complicated than I… Phoebe: Yeah, complicated ‘cause of the love. Ross: I… I do, I do not love Rachel. I’m gonna tell her right now about the whole thing so we can get this marriage annulled as fast as possible. Okay? Would I do that if I loved her? Phoebe: I’ve never been more convinced of your love for her. Ross: I do not have feelings for Rachel! Okay?! Ross: Ohh, what’s wrong?! Rachel: Monica and Chandler are really moving in here and I have to move out and everything is changing. Ross: Oh my—Come here! Come here! It’s okay. Everything’s gonna be okay. Rachel: Thank you. Ross: Of course. Ending Credits Joey: So, Ross and Rachel got married, Monica and Chandler almost got married, do you think you and I should hook up? Phoebe: Oh we do, but not just yet. Joey: Really?! Well, when? Phoebe: Okay umm, well, first Chandler and Monica will get married and be filthy rich by the way. Yeah. But it won’t work out. Joey: Wow. Phoebe: I know. Then, I’m gonna marry Chandler for the money and you’ll marry Rachel and have the beautiful kids. Joey: Great! Phoebe: But then we ditch those two and that’s when we get married. We’ll have Chandler’s money and Rachel’s kids and getting custody will be easy because of Rachel’s drinking problem. Joey: Oh-oh, what about Ross? Phoebe: I don’t want to go into the whole thing, but umm, we have words and I kill him. End Written by: Seth Kurland Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Chandler: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Check it out! This is unbelievable! Joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes! Joey: Dude! What are yo—you trying to kill me?! Rachel: Pheebs, I wanna ask you something. Phoebe: Uh-huh, what? Rachel: Well since I’m movin’ out and-and you’re so beautiful… Phoebe: Oh! Rachel: …how about I move in with you? Phoebe: Well, that would be great but then what do we do about Denise? Monica: Who’s Denise? Phoebe: My roommate. Rachel: You have a roommate?! Phoebe: Yes, Denise. Denise! Joey: Hey, what is with the secrecy Phoebe? Huh? And what about this Denise, is she cute? Chandler: Pheebs, I don’t understand. How can you have a roommate that none of us know anything about? Phoebe: Maybe because you never listen to anything that I say. I talk about her all the time! DENISE!!!!! Joey: Hey Rach, listen I was thinkin’ uh, I’m gonna have an extra room over at my place… Rachel: Oh, that’s true. Joey: Yeah, why don’t you move in with me? It’ll be great! We could stay up late, watch movies, and you know about Naked Thursday’s right? Rachel: Yeah, yeah I think I’m gonna find my own place. Chandler: Hey-hey! I thought Naked Thursday’s was just our thing man! Opening Credits Phoebe: Hey. Ross: Hey! Phoebe: So, what did Rachel say when you told her you were still married to her? Ross: Oh, that. Umm, she took it really well. Phoebe: You didn’t tell her did you? Ross: No. Phoebe: Of course not, because you’re in love with her. Ross: I am not in love with her. She was very upset about having to move out so I eh, didn’t tell her we were still married because she would only get more upset. I-I just comforted her, as a friend. Phoebe: What do you mean, comforted her? Ross: It’s nothing, I just gave her a hug. Phoebe: Ah-ha! A classic sign of love, the hug! Ross: It’s also a sign of friendship. Phoebe: Yeah, not in your case Lovey Loverson. Ross: It was a hug! Phoebe: Okay, just tell me this, did you or did you not smell her hair? Ross: S-s-smell her hair? What if I did? Phoebe: Ninety percent of a women’s pheromones come out the top of her head! That’s why, that’s why women are shorter. So that men will fall in love when they hug them! Oh come on Ross, you’re a scientist. Ross: I was hugging her as a friend. It’s not my fault her-her hair got in my face, she’s got a lot of it and it smells all-all uh…coconutty. What?! Oh, that doesn’t mean I have feelings for Rachel! Maybe it means I have feelings for coconuts! Phoebe: Okay, whatever you say. But just be careful, all right? Rachel’s not in the same place you are. Ross: If the place you are referring too is being in love, then she is in the same place as me because I am not in that place! Phoebe: Okay, I didn’t understand that, but y’know, maybe that’s ‘cause you were speaking the secret language of love! Joey: Hey! Dude, some guy just called for you. Chandler: Who was it? Joey: I don’t know! How about, "Thanks for taking the message." Jeez! Monica: Okay listen, y’know when you move in Rachel’s room is gonna be empty, you wanna talk about what we want to do with it? Chandler: Sure! Monica: Okay, I was thinking we should have a beautiful guest room, right? With a mahogany sleigh bed and bedside tables with flowers on them all the time! And we could have a roll top desk with comment cards on them so people could say how much they loved staying here!! Okay, whatever, I really haven’t thought about it that much. Chandler: Well, I like that idea. Obviously! I was thinking maybe-maybe-maybe it could be a game room, y’know? I mean you can buy old arcade games like uh, like Space Invaders and Asteroids for $200, the real ones! The big-big ones! Monica: No. Chandler: Okay so you mean no as in, "Gee Chandler, what an interesting idea. Let’s discuss it before we reject it completely." Monica: Oh, I’m sorry. Of course I mean that. Interesting idea, umm, talk about it, but no. Chandler: So, that’s it? Monica: I just don’t think arcade games go in the beautiful guest room. The beautiful guest room is gonna be filled with antiques. Chandler: Which is why Asteroids is perfect! It’s the oldest game! Monica: What do you have against the beautiful guest room? Chandler: I don’t have anything against the beautiful guest room, especially since everybody we know lives about 30 seconds away! Monica: Are you mocking me? Chandler: No, I’m not mocking you, Joey: Hey, what’s up? Chandler: Nothing, Monica and I had a stupid fight. Joey: But you’re still moving in together, right? Because my ad came out today. Chandler: "Wanted. Female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly." Nice! Joey: Yeah? I just figured y’know, after living with you it’d be an interesting change of pace to have a female roommate, y’know? Someone I can learn from, someone-someone who’s different than me. And what’s more different than me; a guy who’s not 19 than say a girl who is 19? Enh? Not just a hat rack my friend! Rachel: Pheebs, I have to ask you… Phoebe: Shhhhhh! I’m swamped right now. Rachel: You’re just staring into space. Phoebe: Umm, I’m trying to move that pencil. Rachel: This one? Phoebe: It worked! Rachel: Pheebs, this whole apartment thing is just a nightmare! Every place I can afford comes with a roommate who is a freak. I mean, look at this; "Wanted. Female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly." It’s just, there is nothing! The city’s full! Phoebe: Wait, no, look at this! "Two bedroom, two bath, must be non-smoker, Satan worshipers okay…" Oh, yeah, but it’s on the ground floor. Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hey. Ross: Rach, uh, you still looking for a place? Rachel: Yeah! Why? Ross: Okay, there’s this guy, Warren, from the museum and he’s going on a dig for like two years and he’s got this great place he needs to sublet. So uh, you interested? Rachel: That sounds great! I’d love to live at Warren’s!! I love Warren! Thank you! Ross: Don’t thank me! If you wanna thank something, thank the volcano that erupted thousands of years ago, killing but perfectly preserving an entire civilization. Here’s Warren’s number. Rachel: Oh, this is great! I am gonna call him right now! Oh, thank you! Ross: Okay, you go grab it! Phoebe: I saw it. Ross: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Phoebe: Umm, I’m talking about that which you already know but won’t admit. You love her again; you re-love her! Ross: Look, I do not re-love her. Phoebe: I can’t believe you won’t just admit it! Okay, just promise me that you won’t do anything stupid. Ross: Look, we’re just friends now! Okay? Why would I do anything stupid? Rachel: Ugh!!! Well, the apartment is already subletted! I mean, this is just hopeless. I’m never gonna find anything. Ross: You can live with me. Rachel: What?! Phoebe: What?! Ross: What? Commercial Break Rachel: Oh my God! Are you serious?! Ross: Uh-huh. Rachel: I would love to live with you Ross; that’s-that’s great! Thank you! Ross: Well, I’m-I’m just glad I could, y’know, help you out. Phoebe: Wow! I’m-I’m so happy for you guys. This is so-so, not stupid. Rachel: Ross-Ross, you have no idea what this means to me! I mean, I mean I was gonna be homeless. You just saved me! You’re my hero! Ross: Hero, I uh, I don’t know—well, all right. Rachel: Oh, I have to go tell Monica what a wonderful brother she has! Ross: Oh please! You’re gonna say things now, aren’t ya? Phoebe: No. No, I won’t. But I should tell you this, this exact same thing happened to my roommate Denise. She moved in with a guy who was secretly married to her and he said he didn’t love her, but he really did, and it just blew up! And that’s how she ended up living with me! Okay, that’s a lie. Chandler: Hi. Monica: Hi. Chandler: Hi, listen, I’m sorry about before. I don’t need to have a game room. I mean when I was a kid I only played those games because I couldn’t get girls, and now I can ‘em—Now, I have you. Not-not that I think that I have you or think of you as property in any sort of way, I see women… Monica: Stop it Chandler. I’m sorry too. Chandler: Really? Monica: Yeah! Oh yes! Chandler: Ohh. Monica: Listen, we don’t have to make that a guest room, we can think of something to do with the room together. Chandler: That’s a great idea! We can easily think of a way for us both to enjoy the room. Monica: Totally! Chandler: We don’t have to come up with this now. Monica: Oh good. Chandler: Hey, y’know what? Why don’t we think about changes we can make in the living room? Monica: Changes? Chandler: Yeah, I mean we’re gonna have to move around some furniture to make room for my chair. Monica: You’re-you’re-you’re gonna bring the Barca Lounger over here? Chandler: Is that a problem? Monica: Well, it’s a set and they should probably stay together. Chandler: Oh, that’s cool. Then I’ll just bring them both over. Monica: See now-now you’re taking them away from their home. Chandler: Okay, I get it. So, I get nothing! Nothing here is mine! Everything here is yours! I’ll get up in the morning put on your clothes, and head off to work! Monica: Yeah-yeah, y’know what? Yeah, that’s it-that’s it, everything will be mine! Nothing will be yours! That’s-that’s what I said! Oh come on, Chandler! I’m talking about the barca lounger! It just, it doesn’t match! Where is it gonna go?! Chandler: In the game room! Monica: Look it is not my fault that your chairs are incredibly ugly! Chandler: All right! That’s fine! That’s fine! I won’t bring over the chairs! I won’t bring anything over! I wouldn’t want to ruin the ambiance over here at Grandma’s place!! Joey: Everything on your application looks really good—Ohh! Just one last question umm, are you and your friends gonna be over here all the time like partying and hanging out? The Potential Roommate: Oh don’t worry, I’m not really a party girl. Joey: Whoa!! Now look, don’t be just blurtin’ stuff out. I want you to really think about your answers. Okay? Chandler: Joey: Oh don’t listen to him, he’s just some guy who really wants the apartment, but I don’t think he’s gonna get it. Chandler: Why did you take the shower curtain down? Joey: That thing was a hazard! I’m very safety conscious. Rachel: Hey! Ross: Hey! Oh listen, I was just clearing some space for your stuff. Rachel: Oh thanks, but listen, I was just at Monica’s and she and Chandler had a big fight and they’re not moving in. Ross: What do you mean, they’re not moving in? They-they’re still moving in right? Rachel: No-no, they just had a big blowout over what to do with my room. Ross: What?! Over a stupid room! Rachel: Yeah, I feel kinda bad for them, but I’m also really psyched ‘cause I don’t have to move in here! Ross: Oh no, yeah no, that part’s great! Ross: What’s all this about you guys fighting?! Is this really over a room?! I mean, that is so silly! Monica: Ross, we can handle this. Ross: Well, apparently not, and I can’t just stand by and watch two people I care about very much be hurt over something that is so silly. I mean, enough of the silliness! Chandler: Well, why don’t you tell her to stop being silly! Ross: Okay-okay! Two very good points, look I’ve known you both a long time, and I’ve never seen either of you one/millionth as happy as you’ve been since you’ve got together. Do you really want to throw that all away over a room? That is so silly. Now wh-what is more important, love or silliness? Chandler: Well, we are fond of the silliness, but we also have a soft spot for the love. Monica: Love is the best medicine. Chandler: That’s laughter. Monica: Why do you do it? Chandler: I don’t know. Ross: Okay! All right! Now, Chandler you-you wanna live with Monica, right? Chandler: Yeah, I do. Ross: And Mon, you wanna live with Chandler, don’t ya? Monica: Yes. Ross: Gunther: So I understand you’re looking for a place. Rachel: No-no, I’m staying put. Gunther: Oh, I was going to offer you my apartment. Rachel: Why, where are you going? Gunther: I don’t know. Ross: Hey Rach! Rachel: Hi! Ross: You’re never gonna believe it uh, Monica and Chandler are moving in again. That’s great news right—I mean for them. Right? Rachel: Oh wow. Ross: Yeah but, on the bright side, we get to be roommates again. Rachel: Yeah. Y’know umm, uh, umm, about that, umm, Ross I really appreciate your offer to let me move in and everything, but don’t you think it’s gonna be weird? Ross: Wh-why?! Why-why-why would it, why would it be weird? Rachel: Well, because of us! Because of our history. Ross: No! Rachel: No? Ross: No! No! It would be weird if we were still in that place, I mean are you still in that place? Rachel: No! Not at all! Ross: Good! Me neither! So it’s not a problem. We’re just two friends who happen to be roommates. Rachel: Okay, but Ross, eventually you and I are gonna be dating. Ross: Really?! We are? Rachel: Yeah! I’m gonna have a boyfriend, you’re gonna have a girlfriend… Ross: Ohh! That would be great. Rachel: But y’know what, if you think it’s gonna be okay we’ll just work out a system. Y’know, it’ll be like college, I’ll hang a hanger on the door and put a sign, "Come back later, I’m gettin’ lucky." Ross: Yeah, I didn’t think of that. Ross: So are you sure about this whole moving in thing?! I mean it’s a really big step! And-and what’s the rush?! Monica: That’s very funny! Chandler: He’s being silly, because he knows that we enjoy the silliness! Ross: No, I-I-I’m serious, okay? I mean, think about it. You move in, you start fighting over stupid game rooms, next thing y’know you break up! Monica: Ross, you were right before, it was just a stupid fight about a room. Ross: Okay, there are no stupid fights!! This isn’t about the room, this is about what the room…represents! And unfortunately, this room could destroy you!! Chandler: Yeah, I'm not so worried. Monica: Yeah, no, me neither. Ross: Fine! It’s your life! Monica: You still want to move in together right? Chandler: Of course! Monica: Ross didn’t scare you? Chandler: Scared me out of ever wanting to live with him. Monica: Come here, I want to show you something! Chandler: Okay! Chandler: Oh my God! Someone’s killed Square Man! Monica: This is where I thought the barca lounger could go! You see you could see the TV and it’s still walking distance to the kitchen. Chandler: Oh that’s so sweet! I want to show you something too! Monica: Okay! Chandler: Y’know those big-big uh, road signs that say "Merge?" Monica: Uh-hmm. Chandler: Y’know? So I was thinking that we could get one of those signs and hang it over our bed. Because, that’s you and I together! Merge! Monica: Oh my God! I love that! Chandler: Really?! Monica: Uh, no!! Phoebe: I found you in my bed!                           How’d you whined up there?                           You are a mystery!                           Little black curly hair!                           Little black curly hair!                           Little black, little black, little black, little black, little black curly hair………… Phoebe: Now if you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer. Ross: So umm, where are the other guys? Rachel: Umm, well let’s see Monica and Chandler are occupied. Ross: Fighting?! Rachel: No, the other thing. I really think it’s great they work things out. Ross: Yeah. There’s no breaking them up, is there? Rachel: Hey, can I borrow the key to your house so I can run across the street and make a copy? Ross: Sure! Here. Rachel: Thank you. Now are you sure? Because once I make a copy, there’s no turning back. Ross: Yeah, I’m-I’m sure. Joey: Umm, listen, Ross do you really think this moving in with Rachel is a good idea? Ross: I’ve been back and forth. Joey: Yeah well, maybe you should go back! Okay? Rachel moves in, and before you know it you’re right where you don’t want to be! Back together! Ross: Ehh, I don’t, I don’t think so. She’s already talked about y’know, dating other guys. Joey: That’s not gonna work out! Then she’s gonna come home all weepy and you’ll be tellin’ her, "Oh that’s okay. You’ll find someone." And then, bamn! She finds you! Ross: Yeah, well, m-maybe you’re right. Joey: I am telling you Ross, she is definitely gonna fall in love with you again! Now, is that what you want? Ross: Is that what I want? Phoebe: Yes. Joey: Here she comes. Hold on, I’m gonna make your life much easier. Rachel: All right, well the place was closed. I’ll just copy it later. Joey: Or not. Uh, Rach, why don’t you just move in with me? Ross: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, Joey! Joey: No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no… It’s okay, I mean I—look Rach, I know I scared you off with that whole Naked Thursday’s thing, but we don’t have to do that! Rachel: Well, it would be easier to move just right across the hall. Wait a minute, unless you’re thinking about Naked Wednesday’s. Joey: Thursday’s clearly not good for ya, pick a day! Commercial Break Joey: Hi! The Potential Roommate: Hi! Joey: Come in. Thanks for comin’ back, umm, okay there have been a lot of people interested in the room, but I have narrowed it down and you are one of the finalists! The Potential Roommate: Great! Joey: Okay now, before I make my final decision I uh, I just want to make sure our personalities match. Okay, so I made up a little test. Now, I’m gonna say a word and then you say the first thing that comes to mind. The Potential Roommate: I can do that. Joey: Okay! Here we go. Pillow. The Potential Roommate: Fight. Joey: Very good! Okay. G. The Potential Roommate: String? Joey: Excellent! Okay umm, doggy. The Potential Roommate: Kitten? Joey: Ooh, sorry! No-no-no, so close though, but—bye-bye! End Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Rachel: So, which of this kitchen stuff is mine? Monica: This bottle opener. Rachel: And? Monica: And it’s a magnet! Rachel: Look at that! Ross: How weird is that? Y’know? You’re moving in with me and have the one thing I don’t have. It’s like uh, in a way you-you complete me kitchen. Rachel: What?! Ross: You complete me kitchen, matey! Phoebe: Ross, I know what you’re thinking. Ross: What? Phoebe: That she’s gonna move in with you and maybe then she’ll fall in love with you and then when she finds out you’re already married, she’ll just be happy. Y’know? You’re just, you’re very sad. Ross: Oh…my…God! I-I see what this is! You are in love with Rachel! Phoebe: What?!! Ross: Of course! It all adds up! I mean you you’re obsessed with her. It’s always, "Ross, what are you gonna do about Rachel?" "Ross, why-why are you moving in with Rachel?" "When are you gonna confess your secret marriage to Rachel?" You want her! Phoebe: No! Ross: Hello? Monica: Hey Rach, aren’t these candlesticks mine? Rachel: No-no, I bought those. Monica: Ohh! Yeah, I forgot. Rachel: Yeah. Monica: Ross: Umm, that was the head of the Paleontology department at N uh, Y, uh U! Monica: Wow! Uh what, did he uh, say? Ross: Well remember that paper I had published last year on sediment flow rate, huh? They loved it. Rachel: Well, who wouldn’t?! Ross: I know! Anyway, they asked me to be a guest lecturer! I mean it’s temporary, but uh, if they like me it could lead to a full time job. How great would that look great on a mailbox, huh? "Professor Geller." Phoebe: Yeah, Professor and Mrs. Rachel: And Mrs.?! Phoebe: Oh! Yeah, y’know you and Ross are still married. Rachel: What?!! Phoebe: Just kidding! Rachel: Ohh! Oh God! Phoebe: Saved your ass. Opening Credits Chandler: Hey! Phoebe: Hi. Monica: Hey! Chandler: Oh, what’s the matter? Phoebe: Well, you know that psychic I see? Chandler: Yeah? Phoebe: Well, she told me that I’m gonna die this week, so I’m kinda bummed about that. Chandler: What?! Phoebe: Yeah, and I know you guys don’t know a lot about psychic readings, but that one is pretty much the worse one you can get. Monica: Phoebe that’s crazy! Joey: I can’t believe she would say that too you. Rachel: Yeah honey you don’t believe her do you? Phoebe: I don’t—she said y’know that I’d have triplets! But she also said one of them would be black. Chandler: Just out of curiosity did she tell you how you’re gonna go? Phoebe: No, ‘cause she didn’t tell me I was gonna die until the very end of the session, and I was not gonna waste a whole another hour there! I mean I’ve only got a week left, y’know? I’ve really gotta start living now! Ross: Hey everyone! Chandler: Oh hi! Ross: Hey uh, well, today’s my first lecture and I kinda wanted to try it out on you guys, do you, do you mind? All: Oh that’d be great. Sure! Ross: "There are three primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. Each of these theories can be further subcategorized into two distinct…" Phoebe: Oh, this is it. This what’s gonna kill me. Ross: "…subcategories. The first of these subcategories is…" Joey: Uh Ross! Are there uh, are there naked chicks on that piece of paper? Ross: No! Why? Joey: Well, I’ve just never seen a guy stare so hard at a piece of paper that didn’t have naked chicks on it. Ross: Ohh! Okay! Okay. into…" Chandler: Why don’t you open with a joke? Ross: Open with a joke? It’s a university, not a comedy club! Chandler: Wait a minute, hold the phone! You’re not talking about Chuckles University?! Ross: Okay! All: Ohh! We’re kidding! Oh, we’re kidding! Rachel: Ross, hey you know what might make it less boring? Ross: Thank you! Rachel: Some uh, some visual aides. Joey: Oh-ooh-ooh! Y’know what’s a good visual aide? Ross: Please don’t say naked chicks. Joey: Why not?! Ross: I-I-I don’t even know why I bother to talk to you guys about it. Y’know what? I’m just gonna do it on my own with no naked chicks. Chandler: That’s the way I did it ‘til I was 19. Chandler: Hey. Joey: Hey! Any good mail? Chandler: Yes, you got something from the Screen Actor’s Guild. Joey: Ooh, it’s probably a residual check, hey can you open it for me, I’m kinda…. Chandler: "Benefits lapsed." Joey: Hmm that’s weird. I don’t remember being in a move called benefits lapsed. Chandler: Okay, it’s not a check. They’re saying your health insurance expired because, you didn’t work enough last year. Joey: Let me see that! Chandler: All right. Joey: Oh, I can’t believe this! This sucks! When I had insurance I could get hit by a bus or catch on fire, y’know? And it wouldn’t matter. Now I gotta be careful?! Chandler: I’m sorry man, there’s never a good time to stop catching on fire. Joey: All right well, I guess I gotta go get a job. I’m gonna go see my agent. Chandler: Okay, make sure you look both ways before you cross the street. Joey: Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hey Pheebs, you’re still alive! How are you doing? Phoebe: Ugh, it’s so exhausting waiting for death. Ohh, by the way, do you think you could— Rachel: Pheebs, what-what are you doing? Phoebe: I was preparing you for my—didn’t you think I was dead? Did that not come off? Rachel: Oh yeah, scared the hell out of me. I thought we’d lost you forever. Pheebs, you lie down? Phoebe: Yeah, thanks. And listen, can you do me a favor? Could you just umm, wake me up in a couple hours, y’know if you can. Rachel: Monica! Monica: Hmm? Rachel: Did-did you take these back? Monica: No-no, I-I just, I liked them so much that I went out and bought some for myself. Rachel: Oh yeah, they’re really great! Aren’t they? Monica: I loved them! Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Hello! Monica: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Monica: How’d the lecture go? Ross: It went great! And I didn’t need any jokes or naked chicks either! Rachel: Wow, that’s great Ross, I’m sorry we weren’t more supportive before. Ross: I knew all I had to do was let the material speak for itself. Everyone’s all, "Ross you have to be funny and sexy." Well, I proved them wrong! And now, I’m gonna pass the news onto Joey and Chandler. Monica: That you’re not funny or sexy? Ross: That’s right! Joey: Hey Estelle, listen… Estelle: Well! Well! Well! Joey Tribbiani! So you came back huh? They think they can do better but they all come crawling back to Estelle! Joey: What are you talkin’ about? I never left you! You’ve always been my agent! Estelle: Really?! Joey: Yeah! Estelle: Oh well, no harm, no foul. Joey: Estelle, you gotta get me some work. I-I lost my health insurance. Estelle: All right, first thing we gotta do, damage control. Joey: Why? Estelle: Well, I think uhh, someone out there may have been bad mouthing you all over town. Joey: Bastard! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey! So Estelle lined up a bunch of auditions for me tomorrow and I’ll have my health insurance back in no time. Chandler: That’s great, but shouldn’t you be on the toilet right now? Joey: What?! Chandler: What’s wrong with you? Joey: Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before, then I uh passed out and uh, haven’t been able to stand up since. But um, I don’t think it’s anything serious. Chandler: This sounds like a hernia. You have to—you-you go to the doctor! Joey: No way! ‘Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything it’s gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! Chandler: That’s a hernia. Joey: Why did I have to start working out again? Damn you 15s! Rachel: Well, we’re a little early, the lecture doesn’t end for 15 minutes. Monica: Yeah, but y’know we could sneak in and watch. Rachel: Yeah, we could. Oh hey look! There’s some Kappa Kappa Deltas! I was a Kappa. Wow, we really are bitches. Ross: Oh bloody hell. Commercial Break Monica: What the hell are you doing?! Ross: Look, I was nervous! You guys had me all worried I was going to be boring! I got up there and they were all like staring at me. I opened my mouth and this British accent just came out. Rachel: Yeah, and not a very good one. Ross: Will you-will you please? The Professor: Dr. Geller, Kurt Rathman, I’m a professor in the paleontology department here. Ross: Oh. The Professor: Do you have a moment to talk about your lecture? Ross: I’m sorry, I’ve got plans with my sister. Monica: Ross: What are you doing? Monica: Top ‘O the morning to ya laddies! Ross: Just please stop! Rachel: Yes, yes, Bombay is bery, bery nice time of year. Chandler: Hey, will you grab me a cruller? Sit down! Will you go to the hospital?! Joey: Dude! Hernia operations cost like, a lot probably. Besides it’s getting darker and more painful, that means it’s healing. Chandler: I will loan you the money. Just go to the hospital and let’s just get that thing…pushed back in. Joey: Thank you, but it would take me forever to pay you that money back and I don’t want that hanging over my head. Okay? Besides, as soon as my insurance kicks in I can get all the free operations I want! Yeah, I’m thinking I’ll probably start with that laser eye surgery too. Phoebe: Hey! Chandler: Hey. Joey: Hey! Phoebe: What’s going on? Chandler: Oh Joey’s got a really bad hernia, but that’s nothing a little laser eye surgery won’t fix! Joey: Look, I’m telling you if I put my hand on my stomach right here it doesn’t hurt that bad. Phoebe: Hey! Maybe you’ll die! Joey: Sure, now I’m scared. Phoebe: No, we can go together! Just don’t wait too long though, okay? ‘Cause I’m outta here sometime before Friday. Joey: Yeah, but I don’t wanna die! Phoebe: No-no, it’ll be fun! We can come back and we can haunt these guys! Monica: Gimme ‘em! Rachel: No! They are mine! Monica: You stole them from me! Rachel: You stole them from me!! Monica: Gimme them! Monica: You just wanna each take one? Rachel: Yeah that seems fair. We never use them. Ross: Look, I really need some help, okay? Why? Why did I have to speak in a British accent?! What do I do? Rachel: Well… Monica: Why don’t you phase it out? Yeah, fade the accent out and people will think you’re, y’know, that you’re adjusting to life in America. Rachel: Yeah, I mean, come on Ross, no one will even notice. I mean they’re probably not even listening! Ross: They’re not listening too me? Rachel: Of course they’re listening to you! Everybody listens to you. Ross: Monica you really think I should try this phasing out thing? Monica: I think you look fine. Casting Director #1: Whenever you’re ready. Joey: Okay. "Hey, Timmy, I’ve got a surprise for you." Casting Director #1: Hold it. I’m sorry, the surprise is a new swing set, if you could play it a little less…intense? Joey: Oh yeah, sure, no problem, I’ll just—hold on one second. "Hey Timmy, I’ve got a surprise for you!" Casting Director #1: Oh my God!! Joey: So that’s why I feed my dog Purina One! Pick up a bag today! Casting Director #2: That’s where you pick up the bag. Joey: Exactly. Casting Director #2: No, the line is pick a bag, so you need to pick up the bag. Joey: Or, I could just point to it! Huh? Blah, blah, blah, Purina One, point to a bag today. I didn’t get it, did I? Casting Director #2: No. Joey: Yeah, okay. Joey: Hi. I’m Joey Tribbiani; I’m here to audition for man. Casting Director #3: You mean dying man? Joey: Yes! Monica: Okay, come on, do it one more time! Rachel: Really? Really?! Monica: Yes! Rachel: Okay! Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Phoebe: Listen to this! My reading was wrong, I’m not going die! Rachel: Really?! How do you know? Phoebe: Because my psychic is dead! She must’ve read the cards wrong! Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry. Phoebe: Eh, better her than me! Hey, let’s bake cookies! Chandler: Listen, I’m really glad you got the part. Joey: Thank you. Chandler: But are you sure you can do this? Joey: Yeah! And hey, thanks for coming with me. And thanks again for helping me take a shower. Chandler: Now, is that never talking about it again?! Joey: Hiya! The Director: Hey Joey, we’re ready for ya! Joey, this is Alex he’s going to be playing your son. Joey: Hi Alex! The Director: Okay. All right, let’s do this. A Crew Member: Scene 5, take 1. The Director: And Action! Joey: "Take could care of your Momma son." "Come on son! Your Momma’s good people!" The Director: Cut! Alex, remember you’re supposed to cry. Can you cry for us this time? Alex: Okay. The Director: All right, from the top. A Crew Member: Scene 5, take 2. A Crew Member: Take 36 is up! The Director: All right! Let’s try this again! You ready Joe? Joey: Ah, just one thing umm, is it all right with you if I, if I scream right up until you say action? The Director: Uh sure. Joey: Okay. The Director: Action! Joey: The Director: Cut!!!!!!!!!! Chandler: I’m sorry! Hey-hey Joe, why don’t you uh, lift up your shirt? We have a crying child! Roll the damn cameras! Rachel: Hello? Russell: Hello, is Ross there? Rachel: Uh no, he’s not. Can I take a message? Russell: Yes, this Russell, Ross’s divorce lawyer, just tell him that since I haven’t heard from him, I assume he’s decided to give the marriage a try. Rachel: Ross got married again—Nooooooo!!!!!!!!! Ross: A Student: What’s happening to your accent? Ross: All right, look I was just trying to make a good first impression. Obviously, I screwed up. But what you guys think of me is really important because I’m-I’m hoping to get a permanent job here. So if you just give me another chance to make a good impression… Rachel: Ross!! Are you crazy?! I am still your wife!! What, were you just never gonna tell me?!! What the hell is wrong with you?!!!! Ugh, I could just kill you!!!! Ross: Well, hello Rachel! Ending Credits Phoebe: Have you really done this before? Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You just take a big, big swing. Now, don’t hold back. Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Hey-hey-hey! Chandler: What are you doing? Phoebe: We’re just celebrating that Joey got his health insurance back. Chandler: Oh, all right. End Written by: Perry Rein & Gigi McCreery Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Rachel: I cannot believe that you didn’t tell me that we are still married!! Ross: Look I was going to tell you! Rachel: When?! After the birth of our first secret child?! Ross didn’t get the annulment; we are still married. Chandler: What? Monica: You’re kidding! Phoebe: Oh my God!! Monica: Ross! Ross: Okay, maybe it wasn’t my best decision. But I just couldn’t face another failed marriage. Chandler: Okay, let me just jump in and ask, at what point did you think this was a successful marriage? Ross: Rach, come on, if you think about it, it’s actually kinda funny. Okay, maybe it’s best not to think about it. Phoebe: Okay, this is inexcusable. I am shocked to my very core! Ross: Phoebe, I told her you already knew. Phoebe: Another lie. You have a sickness! Chandler: Ross, just for my own piece of mind, you’re not married to anymore of us are ya? Opening Credits Joey: Oh! Hey, somebody left their keys. Ooohh, to a Porsche! {Transcriber’s note: Oh come on! Who would leave the keys to their Porsche behind? If I had a Porsche, I’d have the keys surgically attached to my hand!} Hey Gunther, these yours? Gunther: Yeah, that’s what I drive. I make four bucks an hour, I saved up for 350 years! Joey: Na-uh! Hey did anybody lose their keys? Monica: Joey, why don’t you put them in the lost and found? Joey: There’s a lost and found? Chandler: You left a shoe here?! Joey: Well, I didn’t realize until I got home. I wasn’t gonna walk all the way back down here with one shoe! Y’know what? I’m gonna go find that guy’s car and leave a note on the windshield. Chandler: Oh good, when he comes back for his keys, I’ll be sure to give him your shoe. Joey: Great! Thanks. Phoebe: Oh, good, good, you guys are here! Listen, how would like to spend tomorrow taking care of three incredibly cute little puppies?! Monica: Oh my God, what a fun day! That sounds great! Chandler: Yeah, all right. Phoebe: Okay, well I’ll bring them by tomorrow morning. Okay, and uh, by the way, they’re not actually puppies, they’re Frank and Alice’s triplets. Okay, see ya! Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa! What? Phoebe: Please! Please! Please! Please! Oh please! Please! Please! Frank and Alice asked me to baby sit the triplets and I’m nervous ‘cause I’ve never done that before by myself! Monica: Don’t worry about it Phoebe, we’ll absolutely do it. Chandler: Yeah, I’m gonna pass. ‘Cause I was kinda iffy when it was puppies. Monica: Come on Chandler, come on! It’ll give us great practice for when——people with babies come to visit. Guy #1: Nice car! Joey: Yeah, it’s not mine. Woman: I love your car. Joey: Yeah, it’s mine. Woman: I bet it’s fast. Joey: Me too! Yeah. And comfortable. Do uh, do you like leather seats? Woman: Yeah! Joey: It’s got ‘em! Rachel: So, I still have boxes here. I still have boxes at Ross’s, and I have nowhere to live! Wow. I could so easily freak out right now. Phoebe: What about me? I just found out that Denise is leaving town for a while, I don’t have a roommate. Rachel: Well, maybe-maybe I could be your roommate Pheebs. Phoebe: Maybe you could be my roommate! Rachel: Well there’s an idea!! Phoebe: Yeah! Rachel: That would be great! Wait, how long is Denise gone for? Phoebe: Umm, she said she’d be back December 26th. Rachel: December 26th, huh maybe she’s Santa Clause. Rachel: Oh look who it is, my husband. The apple of my eye. Ross: Okay, I got us a court date for tomorrow at 2:00 and I picked up all the forms. I’ll take care of everything. Rachel: Well sure, if you say you’re gonna take care of everything I have no reason to doubt you. Give me those forms! All right, now I’m gonna do this my way and I don’t want to hear a peep out of you! Ross: Okay Rach, but… Rachel: Op! You’re peeping! Rachel: Ross! Y’know what, I just got—why? Why did you do this?! Ross: Look I told you… Rachel: I don’t wanna hear "Three failed marriages!" Ross: Look, if you’d had two failed marriages, you’d understand! Rachel: Well, y’know what? Thanks to you I’m half way there! Ugh! Oh! I am so mad! Ross, I don’t think I have ever been this angry! Ross: What about the time I said we were on a break? Rachel: Ugh! Monica: Pheebs, how’s it going? Phoebe: I’m doing okay. I think it’s going well. Do you think they’re having fun? Am I talking to fast? Monica: Nope, sound like me. Pheebs, it’s going great. Look at Chandler with little baby girl Chandler. Chandler: Little baby girl Chandler, where I have heard that before? Oh right, Coach Ruben. Phoebe: Na-uh, no, we are all responsible for our own babies. Chandler: See that’s where I think that you’re wrong. We’ve been playing these babies man for man; we should really be playing a zone defense. Monica: What do you mean? Chandler: I just think that things would go a lot smoother if we each have our own zone. Phoebe, you can be in charge of wiping. And y’know Mon, you can be in charge of diapering and I can be in charge of looking how cute they are when they put their hands around… Phoebe: That sounds really great, but maybe you should be in charge of wiping. Chandler: Okay, I’m a rookie. I should not be in the end zone. Monica: This is so great! This is exactly how we set the plates at the restaurant. Phoebe: Yeah? Well this is not what I ordered. Joey: Hey guys! Chandler: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Hey babies! Oh, I’m having the best morning. That uh, that Porsche I’ve got the keys too, still there! Chandler: Shocking! Since you still have the keys. Joey: You should see the treatment I get when I’m with that car! People are friendly; they-they wanna talk, and not just about the car! One guy gave me advice about my equity investments. Chandler: What equity investments? Joey: The ones that got me the Porsche! Will you keep up! But I figured, if-if people keep seeing me just standing there, they’re gonna start to think that I don’t own it. So I figured I’ll wash it. Right? Monica, you got a bucket and some soap I can borrow? Monica: Oh yeah, I got soap and sponges and rags and Carnuba wax and polishing compound. Chandler: You don’t even have a car! Monica: I know. But umm, one time there was this really dirty car in front of the building, so I washed it. Chandler: And? Monica: And six others. Chandler: There you are. Joey: Yeah, she tops out at 130. Guy #2: Wow! Joey: And that’s just in the city. I get her up to 160 when I take her upstate. Guy #2: Really! You got a place upstate? Joey: Sure! Guy #2: Well, I’ll see you later. Joey: Okay, take it easy. The Porsche Owner: Hey! That’s my car. Joey: Really? Oh uh, oh just give me five more minutes with it. The Porsche Owner: What-what are you doing? Joey: Oh I-I uh, found the keys and now I’m just polishing her up. The Porsche Owner: But it’s my car! Joey: Yeah, but it’s my wax. The Porsche Owner: Listen, I-I-I don’t come to this city much so I don’t know if you’re crazy or this is some kind of street theater, but could I have my keys. Joey: Sure. Here. I’ll uh, save your parking spot. The Porsche Owner: I’m not coming back. Joey: Why not? The Porsche Owner: I live upstate. Joey: Yeah, so did I. Phoebe: I don’t know why I was so nervous about this. And I don’t know why Frank and Alice are always complaining. This is so easy. Monica: Yeah, two hours, a lifetime that’s the same. Chandler: Monica: Chandler, what are you doing? That thing can put someone’s eye out! Chandler: He can do more than that! He can destroy the universe! Phoebe: No Chandler, they can swallow one of those little parts! And also, look at his smooth area, that’s just gonna mess them up. Chandler: They’re not gonna swallow anything, you guys are being way over protective. When I was a kid, my mom used to just throw me into a pile of broken glass! Phoebe: What?! Chandler: Glass, sand, whatever. Phoebe: Oh, look at little Leslie stretching in her sleep. Monica: Oh it’s so cute. I wonder what age it is when you stop being able to put both legs over your head. Phoebe: Oh, I can still do that. Monica: How are you still single?! Chandler: I thought about it and maybe you’re right. Maybe Krog is not a safe toy. Monica: Good. What made you change your mind? Chandler: I swallowed the sonic blaster gun. Phoebe: How did that happen?!! Chandler: Well, I was trying to prove that I was right. Y’know? And it turns out I was wrong. And now it’s lodged in my throat. Monica: Damnit! Y’know this whole time we were concentrating on watching the babies and, and no one was watching Chandler! Judge: Okay you two are asking the court for an annulment? Rachel: Yes your honor, and here are, are forms, all filled out. Judge: So based on your petition you are seeking an annulment on the grounds that Mr. Geller is mentally unstable. Ross: Fine, I’m mentally unstable. Judge: And based on the fact that Mr. Geller is intravenous drug user. Ross: What?! Rachel: Uh yes, heroin and crack. Ross: Crack isn’t even an intravenous drug! Rachel: Well, you would know. Judge: Now it also says here that you lied about your sexual preference before marriage? Ross: Oh, come on! Rachel: Ross, please, I found the magazines! Judge: And finally that you were unable to consummate the marriage. Well, that makes sense since you’re gay and addicted to heroin. Ross: Okay, I’m sorry, this is insane! I-I-I’m not addicted to heroin, I’m not gay, and there is no problem with my ability to consummate anything! Look, I’ll consummate this marriage right here, right now! Judge: That won’t be necessary. Ross: And when we were dating we consummated like bunnies! Rachel: Ugh! Judge: Now if you were two involved in a serious relationship, that really creates a problem. Rachel: Ross! Your honor, rest assured relationship ended like two years ago! And could you strike "Consummated like bunnies" from the record? Judge: Is there, anything in this record that is actually true? Rachel: Well, yes, we got married in Vegas and uh, and the names I think. Judge: Well, based on what I heard, you two certainly don’t qualify for an annulment. If you two don’t want to be together you’ll have to file for divorce. Ross: That’s great! Are you happy now? Look what you did with your funny, funny form! Rachel: What?! Me?! What about you and your consummated like bunnies nonsense! Ross: And what— Stop typing! Stop typing!! Rachel: Okay, do you see, do you see what you’re keeping me married too?! Judge: You need to get out of my chambers. Rachel: All right look lady here is the deal, I came here for an annulment and I am not leaving here until I get one! Ross: Yeah! Judge: Would you like to spend the night in jail? Rachel: And thank you for your time. Commercial Break Joey: So the Porsche guy took his car back. Chandler: But you found the keys to his clothes? Joey: No. No, I just uh, I just loved the way it feels when everybody thinks I own a Porsche. Monica: And people will think you own a Porsche because you’re wearing the clothes? Joey: Of course! Only an idiot would wear this stuff if you didn’t have the car! Right? Chandler: That is true. Phoebe: Yeah, but only a genius would swallow a sonic blaster gun. Joey: Oh, I’ve been there. Yeah, I am gonna go drive my Porsche. Monica: Joey, you know you don’t actually have one. Joey: Come on! What are you doing?! I’m in character! Would you talk to her! Chandler: Ahh, I think it just moved. It’s really poking me. Monica: All right, that’s it, we’re going to the emergency room. Phoebe: What?! No, you can’t, you can’t leave me here with them! We’re baby-sitting! Monica: The babies are asleep, I’m sure you’ll be okay on your own for a while! Phoebe: But you-you can’t leave me with them! We-we’re a team! We’re playing a zone! They’re gonna triple team me! Monica: He’s got something plastic lodged in his throat, we’ve got to go to the hospital. Phoebe: But no, because a doctor won’t be able to help him, it’s just gonna y’know naturally pass through his system in like seven years. Chandler: I think that’s gum. Phoebe: I’m pretty sure it’s gun. Chandler: Okay, listen this really hurts. Let’s go. Phoebe: A real man wouldn’t just run to the hospital! Joey: Why isn’t that valet back with my Porsche? Passerby: Maybe because you’ve got the keys? Joey: Porsche. Rachel: This is totally your fault! Ross: My fault?! You threatened the judge! Rachel: Well, you ripped the paper out of the court reporter’s machine!! Ross: That was the only way I could get him to stop typing! Joey: Hi! How are the Gellers? Rachel: Don’t call us that! Ross: The judge wouldn’t let us get an annulment! Now we gotta get a divorce!! Did a Porsch throw up on you? Joey: Hey! It’s Porsche!! Phoebe: Me taking care of you is no problem, huh? You guys feel safe. Right? Okay, I’m gonna take that spit bubble as, "Yeah, I do!" Okay, after I get rid of this dirty diaper Leslie, I’ll set you up with a clean one. Chandler: Hey! Phoebe: How do you feel? Chandler: Well, let’s just say that Krog will be fully equipped to destroy the universe again in twelve to fourteen hours. Phoebe: Okay, so I totally took care of the babies all by myself! I fed ‘em, bathed ‘em, and put ‘em to bed. Chandler: And protected them from a tornado? Monica: Oh my God. Phoebe: I know, the babies are asleep. Monica: Phoebe, what, what happened here?! Phoebe: I did it! I took care of the babies all by myself! Monica: But my apartment! Chandler: Was the setting of Phoebe’s triumph. Monica: But the mess! Chandler: Is not as important as the fact that Phoebe took care of the babies all by herself. Monica: You’re right, you’re right I shouldn’t freak out. ‘Cause this is what will happen when you and I have babies! When will that be?! Chandler: Phoebe, would you take a look at this mess!!!! Rachel: Oh honey thank God you’re home, I was getting worried. Ross: I picked up the divorce papers. Uh, I’ve already signed everything and I put little ‘X’s where you need to sign. Rachel: Oh, little ‘X’s! Great! That makes up for everything! Ross: Y’know, I-I—you’ve done a lot of stupid stuff too! Okay? Rachel: Oh, name one stupid thing that is as stupid as this one! Ross: Okay, how about you flew to London to stop my wedding! Ah, how about you told me you loved me after I was already married! Rachel: Hey! Wait a minute! That was different! I did those things because I was in love with you! Ross: Yeah! Right! Ross: You’re right. That’s very different. So let’s, let’s just sign the papers. All right? What? Rachel: Nothing. Ross: Okay, can we just sign please? Rachel: Uh-hmm. Ross: Congratulations. Rachel: Okay Ross, we’re—wait a minute. Umm, I uh, I kinda have a little confession. Ross: What? Rachel: Well, y’know this whole marriage thing, kinda my idea. Ross: Excuse me? Rachel: Well, remember how we were too drunk to remember anything the night we were married? Ross: Yeah? Rachel: And uh, yeah, I didn’t really, I didn’t want to say anything, but it kinda it just, it kinda kept coming back to me, and umm, remember we were in the casino and for some reason thought it would be funny to eat a lot of grapes. And uh, and I thought it would be funnier if we got married. So as a, as a compromise we decided first to get married, and then to eat a lot of grapes. So umm, sorry I got us into this mess. Ross: So then if-if—I mean if you think about it, this is all your fault. Rachel: Yeah, don’t push it though. Ross: I’ve got to say; I know I divorce a lot of women, never thought I would be divorcing you. Rachel: I know. I always thought if you and I got married, it would be the one that stuck. And it wouldn’t be a secret, and we wouldn’t have our wedding dinner at Pizza Hut. Ross: Did I, did I even treat? Rachel: No, it was on the house, it was, it was a newlywed special. Ross: That may be the most depressing thing I’ve heard in my life. I should probably get these to my lawyer’s office. Rachel: Hey, thanks Ross, for taking care of all of this. Ross: Eh, no problem. Rachel: I’m gonna need a copy of those. Ross: Totally. Ending Credits Joey: Hey! Hey! Be careful around my Porsche! Woman: Hi Joey. Joey: Hey! How you doin’? Woman: He has the most amazing Porsche under there! Joey: I’d love to show ya, but I just tucked her in. She’s sleeping. End Written by: Scott Silveri Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Directed by: David Schwimmer Chandler: Listen, I’m gonna be moving out so you will be in charge of paying the rent. Joey: Right! And when is that due? Chandler: First of the month. Joey: And that’s every month? Chandler: No, just the months you actually want to live here. Joey: Ahhh. Chandler: Okay, here is the phone bill. Joey: Oh my God!! Chandler: That’s our phone number. Now look, I know I kinda sprung this whole me moving out on thing, so why don’t I just—why don’t I just cover you for a while? Joey: No-no! No way! Joey Tribbiani does not take charity…anymore. Chandler: It’s not charity, Joe… Joey: No! Forget it! Okay—I mean thanks, but I’m done taking money from you. All right, I can take of myself. Now, what’s next? Come on. Chandler: Okay uh, here’s the electric bill. Joey: This is how much we pay for electric?!!! Chandler: Uh, yeah. Chandler: So, we’ll do the rest of the bills later then? Opening Credits Phoebe: So is Joey going to have to give up the apartment? Chandler: No, I hope not! I tried to offer him some money, but he wouldn’t take it. Phoebe: Well, how much do you think he needs? Chandler: I figure that $1,500 would cover him for a few months, y’know? But I have to trick him into taking it so I won’t hurt his pride. Phoebe: Why don’t you hire him as an actor? You could have him dress up and put on little skits. Whatever you want. Chandler: Well that would help the pride thing. Monica: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Wow! You look great! Wanna move in with me tomorrow? Monica: Okay. Chandler: Okay! So, what do you girls have planned for tonight? Monica: Well, instead of being sad that tonight is my last night together with Rachel we thought we’d go out to dinner and celebrate the fact that Rachel is moving in with Phoebe. Phoebe: And also, my birthday. Monica: It’s not your birthday. Phoebe: What a mean thing to say! I would never tell you it’s not your birthday! Joey: Hey! Ross: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! So you guys have anything planned for the big last night? Chandler: Well, instead of just hanging out, we figure we’d do nothing. Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa, Knicks season opener tonight. I thought maybe you guys would come over and watch it. Joey: I don’t know Ross, not if you’re gonna talk about how you gave up a career in basketball to become a paleontologist. Ross: I did give up a career in basketball to become a paleontologist! Rachel: Pheebs, I was wondering… Monica: You’re not dressed yet?! We’re supposed to start having fun in 15 minutes! Rachel: Well and clearly not a minute sooner. Monica: Rachel, you are packed though right, I mean please tell me that you’re packed. Rachel: Of course I packed! Monica relax! I just wanted to ask Phoebe her opinion on what I should wear tonight. Phoebe: My God, I can’t get a minute of peace around this place. Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica’s just gonna kill you. Rachel: Yeah, yeah, I know. Phoebe: Well, what you’re wearing is fine for that. Monica: Rachel, I need to borrow—You’re not packed!!!! You’re not packed even a little bit! Rachel: Surprise!! Monica: What? Rachel: No, no don’t get mad because look—this is what happened. So I-I started packing, then I realized, "What am I doing? I am lousy at packing!" Right? But you love packing! So, as a gift to you, on our last night, ta-da! Monica: I’ll be coordinator! Oh my God! I’m so sorry, I didn’t get you anything! Okay, look everybody has to help! Okay? You can help, can’t you Phoebe? Phoebe: I have plans. Monica: You’re plans were with us. Phoebe: That’s right. Monica: All right, Chandler can make boxes, Ross can wrap, and Joey can lift things. Now Phoebe, go tell the guys they have to help out! Phoebe: Okay. Monica: Okay! Oh my God, thank you!! Phoebe: Hurry! Monica’s gonna make you pack! She’s got jobs for everyone! Now, it’s too late for me, but save your selves! Monica: Okay! The movers will be here in 11 hours. Rachel has not packed. Now, everybody has to help! Chandler, we’re gonna start with… Chandler: Oh nope, I-I have plans with Joey. Monica: I thought you said you were going to do nothing. Chandler: Yes, but for the last time. Monica: Okay fine, now Ross… Ross: Oh, but-but I can’t do it. Monica: Why not? Joey: I’ve got Ben. Ross: Because, because I’ve got Ben. Monica: It’s almost 8 o’clock, it’s almost past his bedtime. Where-where is he? Chandler: He’s at a dinner party. Monica: Is he really coming? Because I can see right into your apartment! Ross: Of course he is! What, do you think I’d just use my son as-as an excuse? What kind of father do you think I am? Monica: All right, sorry. Ross: I gotta go make a fake Ben. Joey: Here it is! Our last pizzas together as roommates. Chandler: Oh, I wish I’d know you were going to do that, I ordered Chinese. Joey: Oh that’s okay. Hey, actually in a way it’s kinda nice. Me, bringing the food of my ancestors, you, the food of yours! Chandler: Say, Joe, I had a strange idea of what we could do for our last night. What do you say we play a little uh, foosball for money? Joey: What, are you crazy? You haven’t beaten me once since my injury plagued ’97 season. It would be easier if you just give me your money. Chandler: Yes it would. What do you say to $50? Joey: Okay, you’re on. Chandler: Okay, let’s play! The big game, Italy vs. China, apparently. Rachel: Ohhhhhh, look it’s the roller blades. Monica: Oh God! Rachel: You remember when we got these? Monica: No. Rachel: I guess you weren’t there. Phoebe: You guys, we said we were gonna have fun! Come on, hey, remember the time… You don’t remember? Rachel: I’m sorry Pheebs, I guess I’m just really said that I’m leaving. Monica: I’m gonna miss you so much. Phoebe: Well, this doesn’t have to be so sad though. Y’know? Maybe instead of just thinking about how much you’re gonna miss each other, you should like think of the things you’re not gonna miss. Monica: I don’t think there’s anything. Phoebe: Come on, there’s gotta be something. Monica: Nope, she’s perfect. Rachel: I have one. Phoebe: Good! Great! You can go first. Rachel: Uh well, I guess I’m not gonna miss the fact that you’re never allowed to move the phone pen. Phoebe: Good that’s a good one. Okay, Monica, anything? Y’know? Does Rachel move the phone pen? Monica: Aw, sometimes. Always, actually. Phoebe: Okay, good. There you go. Doesn’t anyone feel better? Monica: Not just the phone pen. I never get my messages. Rachel: You get your messages! Monica: Yeah, well I don’t think it really counts if you have to read them off the back of your hand after you fall asleep on the couch. Rachel: So-so, you missed a message from who? Chandler or your mom? Or Chandler? Or your mom? Phoebe: Great! It worked! No one’s sad. Joey: I gotta buy some food. Chandler: Okay, give me a chance to win my money back. Okay? Sudden death, one goal, $1,000. Joey: You serious? Chandler: Oh yes! Joey: Okay, get ready to owe me! Chandler: Okay. Joey: Okay, here we go. Ready? Chandler: No! No! No! No——one can beat me. Chandler: See? Now, that’s why only the little fake men are supposed to do all the kicking. Monica: Hello? See? Other people call me! Rachel: Ooh, your brother. Score! Monica: What’s up? Ross: Oh, I’m just over here with Ben. I thought we’d say hi. Monica: Oh, put him on! Ross: Ben, say hi to Aunt Monica. Oh, I guess he doesn’t feel like talking right now. He’s smiling though! Okay, talk to you later. Phoebe: Yeah, I think it was better when you guys were sad. Hey, uh, remember the roller blades? Rachel: You know what else I’m not gonna miss? "I’m Monica. I wash the toilet 17 times a day. Even if people are on it!" Monica: "Hi I’m Rachel, is my sweater too tight? No? Oh, I’d better wash it and shrink it!" Rachel: "I’m Monica, I don’t get phone messages from interesting people. Ever!" Phoebe: Hey! I call her! Monica: "Oh my God, I love Ross! I hate Ross! I love Ross! I hate Ross!" Rachel: "Oh my God, I can’t find a boyfriend! So I guess I’ll just stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find in there!" Phoebe: Yeah, we should get a move on if we wanna make those dinner reservations. Commercial Break Chandler: Still broken? Joey: This sucks man! The last night you’re here and I lose the two most important things in my life, the foosball table and $500. Chandler: Well, there are other ways of winning back your money, how about a little uh, a little Blackjack? Joey: Nah, not my game. Chandler: Okay, uh, how about, how about—y’know what? We could play a new game. A new game, it’s fun. Joey: Well, what’s it called? Chandler: Cups. Joey: I don’t know how to play Cups. Chandler: I’ll teach ya! Come on, come on, it’s really easy and really, really fun. Joey: All right. Chandler: Okay, here you go. I have two queens, what do you have? Joey: A two and a five. Chandler: Ho-ho, you win! 50 dollars! Joey: Really?! Chandler: Oh yeah! Okay, let’s play again. What do you got? Joey: A four and a nine. Chandler: You’re kidding right? Joey: No. Why? Chandler: Well that’s a full cup! Joey: Damn! I am good at Cups! Monica: I’m not talking to her! Phoebe: Well, one of you has to take the first step! And it should be you, because she’s the one who’s leaving. It’s harder for her! Monica: Well, maybe you’re right—She made fun of my phone pen! Phoebe: I know, I took it hard too. Monica: Listen Rachel, I feel really bad about—What are you doing? Rachel: I’m unpacking! Monica: What?! Rachel: I’m not moving! Is that picture straight? Monica: It needs to go about 20 blocks to the left! Rachel: Hey, y’know what? You’re the one who wants to make this big change and move in with Chandler! You should be the one to go! Why should I have to leave?! Monica: Because it’s my apartment! Rachel: Well it’s mine too! What else you got?! Monica: How about, you’re moving!! Rachel: Look! This is ridiculous. We should be packing you!! Phoebe: Hey, how are you guys doing? Rachel: Great! Monica’s moving! Monica: I am not! Rachel: Oh really?! Then how come all your stuff is in this box?! Phoebe: Okay, you guys. You guys I think I know what’s going on here. Okay, you guys… STOP!! I know that, I know that you’re acting mad because you think that it’ll make it easier to leave. But deep down you’re still really sad. Deep-deep down. Monica: No Phoebe I am mad! Phoebe: Well, deep-deep-deep down! Rachel: Yeah, I’m just mad! Phoebe: Then keep running. Chandler: You win. Joey: Well, what did you have? Chandler: It doesn’t matter because nothing beats a three and a six. That my friend is D-Cup. Okay, now much have you won so far? Joey: Uh, wow, 700. Chandler: Not 700 exactly? Joey: Yeah. Chandler: Double it! Joey: What? Chandler: Well you see in Cups, once you get $700, you have to double it. Joey: Really? Chandler: Hey, I didn’t make up the rules. Now, after you receive the doubling bonus, you get uh, one card. Now that one card could be worth $100 bringing your total to 1,500. Monica: Well, this is the last box of your clothes. I’m just gonna label it, "What were you thinking?" Rachel: Funny, because I was just gonna go across the hall and write that on Chandler. Phoebe: Hey you guys, I don’t mean to make things worse, but umm, I don’t want to live with Rachel anymore. Monica and Rachel: What?! Phoebe: You’re just so mean to each other! And I don’t want to end up like that with Rachel. I still like you! Rachel: Well, Phoebe that’s fine because I’m not moving. Monica: Whoa-whoa-whoa, Phoebe you gotta take her! Y’know I-I-I said some really bad stuff about her, but y’know Rachel has some good qualities that make her a good roommate. Rachel: Oh really? Like what Monica? Monica: Y’know she has 147,000 pairs of boots… Rachel: Oh yeah, good start Mon. Monica: She lets you borrow them. Rachel: Yeah and you stretch ‘em out with your big old clown feet. Monica: Do you wanna live outside?! Because it’s gettin’ cold! She gets tons of catalogs and umm, she’ll fold down the pages of the things she thinks that I’d like. Phoebe: What else? Monica: When I take a shower, she leaves me little notes on the mirror. Rachel: Yeah, I do. I-I do, do that. Phoebe: That’s nice. I like having things to read in the bathroom. Monica: When I fall asleep on the couch after reading, she covers me over with a blanket. Rachel: Well y’know, I don’t want you to be cold. Monica: And when I told her that I was gonna be moving in with Chandler, she was really supportive. Rachel: Oh, it’s gonna be fine. Phoebe: Okay Rachel, I can’t wait to live with you! And you know what we should do? Bring Monica and then we could all live there together! We’ll have so much fun!! Rachel: But honey, I think she’s moving in with Chandler. Phoebe: Oh that’s right. You’re still set on that? Monica: Kinda. Oh my God! Ross: Yeah, it’s a pumpkin. I’ll come pack. Joey: Hey! Chandler: What’s wrong? Joey: Ross and I were helping the girls pack, took a little break, I lost $1,500 to him in Cups! Chandler: Wh-How did you lose at Cups?! Joey: The same way you lost. I started out with a King and a Queen, bamn! Ross gets a 2 and a 3. Then I get a Jack and a King, boom! Ross gets a 4 and a 5! Ross was getting the Cup card, the D-Cup, the Sittin’ Down Bonus! Meanwhile, I didn’t even get half a cup! Nothin’!! Chandler: Oh man!! Joey: And he never played before either! Y’know what I think? I think beginner’s luck, very important in Cups. Chandler: All right, let’s play one more hand! One more! Joey: No, no, no more! I cannot lose another dime! I’m serious this time! In-in fact, look, there’s a—I wanna give you something. And let me give it too you know before I pawn it for Cups money. Now, I want you to have the big white dog as a kinda of a, y’know, thank you for being such a great roommate. Chandler: I can’t take the big white dog! You love it! Joey: It’s him, not it! Chandler: No, but wait—what if I bought it from you, y’know? And your nice gesture would be giving it to me at a reasonable price, say $1,500? Joey: Wait a second, I see what you’re trying to do here! You-you’re trying to give me money again! Chandler: When did I try to give you money? Joey: Over there! Before, with the bills! You tried to give some charity, I said "No," you dropped it. Okay? Then we had a nice last night together, we had some fun, we gambled, nobody tried to give anybody any money! Now out of the blue, you start with the charity thing again! Chandler: I’m just trying to help you out! Okay? I wanna make sure that you’re okay. Joey: I will be okay! Look Chandler, you gotta get it out of your head that I can’t take care of myself. Okay? Look, I’m not gonna miss you helping me out with money. The only thing that I’m gonna miss…is you. And now the dog. Monica: Hey. Call me when you get there. Okay? Rachel: Okay. Monica: I’m really gonna miss you. Rachel: Oh! I have your key. Here you go. Monica: Thanks. Rachel: Yeah. Rachel: Oh God! This is silly, I’m gonna see you in a couple of hours! Monica: Yeah. Rachel: Bye house! Rachel: Bye Mon. Monica: Bye. Chandler: Hey. Monica: She really left. Chandler: I know. Monica: Thank you. Chandler: No problem roomie. Monica: Can I ask you a question? Chandler: Sure! Monica: What the hell is that dog doing here?! Ending Credits Chandler: I invented the game of Cups as a way to give Joey money. Ross: And now you want that money back. Chandler: Exactly. Ross: Chandler, what kind of an idiot do you take me for? Chandler: It’s not a real game! I made it up! Ross: I’m sorry you lost your money, but I won it fair and square. Chandler: At a fake game!! Ross: Now, if you wanna try to make some of it back, I’d be glad to play you for it. But I should warn you, I am very good at Cups. Chandler: Okay! Now I assume the Saucer card came up when you played last. Ross: No. Chandler: Hmm, let’s see if it comes up this time. End Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer Transcribed by: Kiza Abuzahra With Minor Adjustments by: Eric Aasen Phoebe: Ready? Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: Okay. Rachel: Hi... Phoebe: it's... Rachel: Rachel... Phoebe: and… Rachel: Phoebe’s... Phoebe: please... Rachel: leave... Phoebe: leave… Rachel: Wait, I-I just said "leave." Phoebe: Yeah, I know because you have all the good words. What do I get? I get "it’s," "and" oh I'm sorry, I have "A." Forget it. Rachel: Phoebe, come on that's silly. Phoebe: All right, so let's switch. Rachel: No, I have all of the good words. OK, fine, fine, we can switch. Phoebe: Okay. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: Hi… Rachel: Everybody… Phoebe: It's… Rachel: Rachel… Phoebe: and… Rachel: Phoebe’s… Phoebe: Please...wait, how did you do that? Rachel: What? Phoebe: Oh, you're no ordinary roommate are you? Rachel: Phoebe, come on can we finish this later? Cause I wanna go running before it gets dark. Oh! Why don't you come with me?! Phoebe: Really? Rachel: Yeah, it'll be fun. We'll run in the park. It'll be like our first y’know roommate bonding thing. Phoebe: Okay, let's go running! Rachel: Yeah and there's really cute guys there. Phoebe: Let's run towards them! Rachel: OK! Phoebe: All right, wait just one more second. Hi, it's Phoebe and Rachel's. Please leave a message, thanks! Rachel: Now wait a minute. You just took all the words! Phoebe: Uh-huh. You've met your match Rachel Green. Opening Credits Ross: So, I just finished this fascinating book. By the year 2030, there'll be computers that can carry out the same amount of functions as an actual human brain. So theoretically you could download your thoughts and memories into this computer and-and-and live forever as a machine. Chandler: And I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open. Monica: Hey! Ross and Chandler: Hey! Monica: Honey, that's a great idea nailing the boxes to the floor! Chandler: I didn't nail the boxes to the floor. Monica: Oh, So you can move them! Chandler: Yes, and while I'm doing that, Ross has a great computer story for you. Joey: Hey everybody! Uh, I'd like you to meet Janine. She's-she's gonna be my new roommate! Janine: Hi. Ross: Hi! Janine: Hi Joey: Yeah, she's gonna live with me! Monica: It's nice to meet you. Janine...? Janine: Lecroix. Janine Lecroix Joey: I didn't know that! Well, what a pretty last name! Chandler: So, uh, wh-where ya from? Janine: Australia, I just moved here a couple of weeks ago. Joey: From the land down under? I didn't know that either! Ross: So uh, wha-uh, what do you do? Janine: I'm a dancer. Joey: You're a dancer? She-she's a dancer! Janine: Well, I think I'll go and unpack. Joey: Oh, hey let me. Monica: Joey, did you even interview this woman before you asked her to move in? Joey: Of course I did. Monica: Uh-huh, what exactly did you ask her? Joey: "When can you move in?" Ross: Thank you for bringing her into our lives. Chandler: Unbelievable Monica: Oh, so you like her too Chandler? Chandler: Hey, look at all the boxes! Joey: Ugh, I cannot wait to ask her out! Monica: Wait a minute...Joey. Joey you can't ask her out, she's your roommate. It-it'll be way too complicated. Ross: Yeah, yeah man don't do it. I mean if you date her, then-then-then I can't date her. Chandler: All right, think about it. Now remember when you were going out with that girl Donna and you guys broke up. Remember how horrible it was when you guys bumped into each other at the supermarket? Joey: Oh God, yeah. Chandler: Now imagine you live at the supermarket. Joey: Okay! Chandler: No-no Joey: Oh, Oh, you're right! I don't want that. I can't date her! Monica: Yeah and you better watch the flirting too, cause you know, in such close quarters, it could be trouble. Joey: Well, that's gonna be tough Mon. I mean it's hard for me to be around an attractive woman and not flirt. Monica: Hmm, well you're around me all the time and you don't flirt. Joey: You a little sad about that sweetheart? Phoebe: I have to tie my shoe, so you go ahead, I'll catch up. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: Okay. Rachel: You guys, I'm telling you, when she runs, she looks like a cross between Kermit The Frog and The Six Million Dollar Man. Ross: Monica had such a crush on him. Yeah, she used to kiss his poster every night before she went to bed. Rachel: Oh! I used to do that too! Monica: Did you also have his album, It's Not Easy Being Green? Rachel: Aw, Mon... Monica: So, Phoebe runs weird huh? Rachel: Yeah, yeah and you know what, I know she's gonna wanna run again, I just don't know how to get out of it, I mean, I live with her. Monica: Why don't you just be straight with her? Tell her the truth. Ross: Yeah. Rachel: You're right, you're right. I should just tell her the truth. Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Hey! Rachel: Pheebs, Monica tripped me, I don't think I can ever run again, ever! Phoebe: Why? Why would you do that? Monica: I don't know. Rachel I'm-I'm sorry that I hurt your ankles. Rachel: Ankle. Monica: We'll see. Chandler: OK, I'm officially unpacked. Thanks for helping me man. Joey: I Gotcha!! Chandler: Oh my God! You-almost-gave-me-a-heart-attack. Joey: Boy, it was so hard not to laugh, I tell ya. Hey, hey, the place looks great! Chandler: Yeah, not bad right? You know what, Monica’s gonna be working late, so I'm gonna make this place spotless. You know what else I'm gonna do, know what else I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go downstairs, I'm gonna get her some flowers. Now who wouldn't wanna live with me? Joey: I don't! No, I wanna live with the super-hot Australian dancer. Chandler: Yeah, now how's that going though? Are you okay with the not-flirting thing? Joey: Yeah. Well, so far yeah. But it's tough you know? I got all this built up flirting energy and I don't know how to get rid of it. How you doin? Joey: Ohhhh man Janine: Sorry, there's just more room out here. Joey: No-no-no-no-no, it's-it's uh, you just uh, uh reminded me that uh, I need to do my stretches too. Janine: Why don't you try to do- Joey: Janine: What's wrong? Joey: Uh-uh nothing. I-I-I-I didn't want you to touch me cause I'm -I'm all sweaty from the workout. I better hit the shower. Oh my God! Janine: Oh, sorry about that stuff hanging in there. It's just my thongs are too delicate for the dryer. Phoebe: Hi! Oh yeah, uh-huh, it's me. I saw you grab your running shoes this morning and sneak out. You lied so you could run by yourself. Rachel: No, no Phoebe no, I was...no. You know what, I was, I was actually just checking to, see, if I could run. And I can! Phoebe: Please Rachel, I am not an idiot. Rachel: No, wait Phoebe. Ross: Wow, couples who live together do start to look alike. So, Mondler...uh, what uh, what ‘cha doin? Chandler: What does it look like I'm doing? I am cleaning! Ross: Did you get Monica's authorization to move all of her stuff? Chandler: Authorization? I don't need that. I'm gonna put everything back. Ross: Put it back exactly where you found it? Chandler: Yes I'm gonna put it back exactly where I found it. Ross: ‘Kay, first of all, this attitude is not helping. Chandler: She's not gonna care if I put her stuff back in the same stupid place. Ross: Whoa, hello, did you just meet Monica? Chandler: She is gonna recognize that I did a nice thing and-and, appreciate it. Ross: Hmm -you know, actually this'll work out well. Cause when you have to move back in with Joey, Joey's hot new roommate can come and live with me. Chandler: I see, I see, y-y-you're trying to freak me out. Ross: Look Chandler, Monica is really weird about this kind stuff all right. Believe me, I lived with her for 16 years. She is going to freak…out. Oh my God, she's going to sit on you. Chandler: No, she's not okay? And I'll prove it to you. I'm gonna call her right now. Phone's done ehh. Monica: Hi! Chandler: Hey Mon, how's it going? Monica: Terrible. If-if I want something done right, I have to do it myself. Other people just wreck stuff. I really think I might kill someone tonight. Chandler: Oh come on, come on, it can't be that bad. Monica: It's worse. The only thing that's getting me through is knowing that I'm gonna be seeing you soon. I think I may even try to get out of here early. Chandler: No! No-no-no-no-no-no. It sounds like they really need you down there. Monica:  Well, are you just hanging out with Ross? Chandler: It's, all good! Okay bye-bye Mon! She's-she's gonna kill me. Ross: Yeah, the phone was facing the other way. And that goes back up there. Commercial Break Chandler: We should start with the big stuff. Y’know? That'll be the easiest. Uh, let's start with the couch. Ross: Yeah that-that, doesn't look right. Chandler: What are you talking about? The couch is perfectly in line with the carpet. And then I can just walk over here and casually just put my feet right up on the... OK, OK, here's what we do, we just uh, move the couch closer to the coffee table. Ross: Whoa, whoa, but then the back of the couch won't line up with he back of the carpet. Chandler: OK well here, we'll just move the coffee table closer to the couch. Ross: Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, but then the coffee table won't be centered in the seating area. Chandler: Yes, but the coffee table doesn't match the...blahebdmsdlkhdyslkd;btyds...Rooosss!!!! Joey: Monica's gonna kill you! Look I need your help, I have to do something to-to repel this woman! Wait a minute, wait a minute, you guys repel women all the time. Ross: Hey, I've been married 3 times Joey: No-no-no I've seen it happen, you-you get a rapport going with a woman but somehow you manage to kill it. What's your secret? Ross: Look, we do not repel women OK? That is completely untrue. Chandler: Oh no, yes we do my man. Remember when we were back in college and we went to that spring dance and you walked right up to that girl you liked and you could not stop talking about the Irish potato famine? Ross: Yeah, well what about you? You weren't you know, so hot in college either. After everything he said, he'd go "ba dum bum chessh" Chandler: Yeah, Monica doesn't like that either, Maybe I should stop doing that. Ross: Oh y'know what, girls don't like it when I start talking about science. Chandler: That's not specific to girls. Joey: This is great, this is great, what else, what else? Ross: Uh, they don't like it when you correct their grammar. Chandler: And they don't like it when you explain why your jokes are funny. Ross: They don't like it when you keep asking them if they like you. Chandler: Man, I'm so lucky I have Monica. Ross: I'm never gonna find love again. Rachel: Hey Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second? Phoebe: Sure Rachel: Okay, um, I... All right Phoebe look, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. OK? I handled the situation horribly and I should not have lied to you. Phoebe: So, what should you have done? Rachel: Well, I-I should've told you the truth. Phoebe: Uh-Huh, Which is...? Rachel: Well, y'know, the reason I didn't wanna go running with you is because um, well y'know the way that you run is a little... Phoebe: So? Rachel: Well, it's embarrassing. People were looking at us like we were crazy. Phoebe: Why do you care? Rachel: Because they're people. Phoebe: But people that you don't know and will never see again. Rachel: Yes, but still. They're people…with eyes. Phoebe: Well, I didn't get embarrassed running next to Miss . But no, okay. No, no, I can see why running with me would be embarrassing to you. Yeah, okay. You're uptight. Rachel: I-I am not uptight—Hey-hey-hey-oh-oh! Listen, I am not uptight, man. Phoebe: That's okay Rachel. I'm not judging you; that's just who you are. Me. I'm more free y'know? I run like I did when I was a kid, cause that's the only way it's fun. Y'know, I mean didn’t you ever run so fast you thought your legs were gonna fall off? Y'know, like when you were like running towards the swings or running away from Satan? The neighbor's dog. Chandler: Okay, is this lamp in the same place? Ross: Who cares? I repel women. Chandler: No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no!!! You can't come in here! R-r-r-r-Ross is naked. Monica: What?! Ross: What?! Chandler: I couldn't say that I was naked because she's allowed too see me naked. Ross: Why does anyone have to be naked? Monica: Why is Ross naked? Ross: I-I had to show Chandler something? Monica: Naked? Ross: Yeah-yeah I uh, I have a uh, a guy problem. Monica: Is it the same thing that Chandler had? Chandler: Look, uh, just come later, we'll get everything squared away and you can come back later. Monica: Okay, listen, there's still some of Chandler's medicine under the sink in the bathroom. Bye! Chandler: Bye! Thank God Ross: Dude, what'd you have? Chandler: Look, we have no time okay? We must focus. We gotta get everything back into its original place. Ross: The photo album! There were millions of pictures of the apartment in the photo album. We just go through it and match everything to the pictures. Chandler: That's perfect! That's brilliant! Ross: So really, what'd ya have? Janine: Hey Joey, I got some beer for you. Joey: Uh, don't you mean "for whom?" Janine: Sure, listen I was gonna order some pizza, you wanna share one? Joey: Pizza, heh, its not like I never had that before...ba dum bum cheshhh. Janine: Is there something wrong? Joey: All right, All right, let's just get this out in the open okay? You're hot. I'm lovable. Clearly there's a vibe going on between us. But, we're roommates and it's a huge mistake for us to continue down this road. Janine: Joey... Joey: No, no, no, I'm telling ya. Imagine yourself living in a supermarket and you will understand okay? So the question is, what do we do? Janine: Well, I don't think there is anything to do. I mean I think you're really sweet, but I'm just not interested in you like that. Joey: Oh! Janine: No! I mean you're a really nice guy and I'm happy to be your roommate and your friend, I'm just y'know, I just don't feel that way about you. Joey: Oh! I see what happened. It's because I was trying to repel you. Right? Believe me, you'd feel a lot different if I turned it on. Janine: I don't think so. Joey: Oh, I do. How you doin? Janine: I'm OK Joey: What?!?! Janine: What? Joey: Oh dear God! Rachel: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Oh honey, I'm so sorry, you were right, this feels great! Phoebe: See? And you don't care if people are staring, it's just for a second cause then you're gone! Rachel: Gone! I mean its amazing Pheebs. I feel so free and so graceful. Monica: Is it okay for me to come in now? Chandler: Uh-huh Monica: Why is everything different? Ross: Bye! Chandler: No, I don't see anything different other than the fact that the room got so much brighter when you came into it. Monica: Well, the end table is wrong, The couch looks bizarre and don't even get me started on the refrigerator magnets. Chandler: Okay look, don't...don't be mad okay? But after I unpacked the boxes I wanted to do something nice for you, so, I-I-I cleaned the apartment. So I moved everything around and then I forgot where it, where it went back and I'm sorry, I'm very sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Monica: It's okay. Chandler, are you afraid of me or something? Chandler: Do you want me to be afraid of you? Monica: Of course not. I mean gosh, Chandler what you did, it's, it's a wonderful thing and I really appreciate it. I know I have this weird thing where I want everything to be in the perfect place, but I'd never expect you to worry about that. Chandler: Really? Monica: Of course! Chandler: Oh well you're the best. You come here to me. Monica: All right, hold on okay? First thing's first. Okay, now did Ross sit anywhere while he was naked? Closing Credits Ross: So it said that by the year 2030, there'll be computers that can carry out the same number of functions as an actual human brain. So theoretically we could download our thoughts and our memories into this computer... Janine: ...and live forever as a machine! Ross: That's so Janine, you-you-you know what, do you know we're doing right now? You and I, we're interfacing. Janine: Yeah, I gotta go. Chandler: Ba dum bumb cheshhh! End Written by: Perry Rein and Gigi McCreey Transcribed by: Aaron D. Howard-Miller Joey: Hey. Chandler: Hi, my name’s Chandler. I just moved in next door and I was wondering if you would be interested in battling me in a post-apoplectic world for control of the galaxies last remaining energy source? Joey: Sure, neighbor come on in. Chandler: So, is Janine around? Joey: Uh, no, she’s at dance class. Chandler: Can I check out what she did to my room? Joey: Yeah, but, hey look, don’t go through her stuff. She gets really mad. Chandler: It’s spreading already. Joey: It is??? Chandler: Yeah, is this your pretty pink pillow on the couch? Joey: No. Chandler: Is that your tiny little box, that’s too small to put anything in? Joey: No. Chandler: No! Ok, this is not good. You are a guy. Ok? This is a guys place. If you let this go, you’re going to be sitting around with your fingers soaking in stuff. Joey: All right, you’re right. I’ll talk to her. Chandler: Yes talk to her. Be a man. Joey: I’m a man. Chandler: Defend yourself. Joey: Monica: Chandler come on. We have to hem the new dust ruffle. Chandler: Be right there sweetums. A totally different situation. Opening Credits Monica: Hey guys. Chandler: Hey, how was your breakfast with Hillary? Monica: It was okay. She’s still kind of depressed because she broke up with her boyfriend. Chandler: Ohh, yeah. Ross: Well, is this Hillary your HOT assistant chef Hillary? Monica: Yeah. Ross: The one that always stares at me when I come in? Monica: No, the one who looked at you once because you got in her way. Ross: Still I could tell. She was into me. Well, why don’t you set us up? Rachel: Ohh, are you setting Ross up with someone? Does she have a wedding dress? Phoebe: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Phoebe: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: I’m, uhh, making up flyers trying to get new massage clients. So, can I come to Bloomingdale’s and use the copy machine. Rachel: Well, sure, but they might think it’s kinda weird considering I don’t work there anymore. Phoebe: Oh my God. What happened? Rachel: I-I, got a job at Ralph Lauren. Phoebe: Well that’s great! Congratulations!! Rachel: Yeah. A year ago.. Phoebe: You’ve lasted a whole year. Good for you. Rachel: But, Pheebs, you can still use the copy machine where I actually work. But, just come by at lunch so my boss doesn’t see you. Cause Kim will just freak out and she already doesn’t like me very much. Chandler: That’s weird. I don’t think my boss likes me either. Monica: I don’t think mine likes me either. Ross: Maybe it’s a universal thing? Joey: Or maybe, it’s because you’re hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday. Chandler: Yeah let’s head off to work. Monica: We should go. Phoebe: Thank you. Rachel: Sure. Phoebe: Now you will not believe this. But, I was in the copy room, making copies, and Ralph Lauren came in. Rachel: Oh my God. Did you talk to him? Phoebe: Yeah a little. He seems really nice. Good kisser. Rachel: What? What!?! You kissed him? Phoebe: Totally. Rachel: Phoebe are you serious? Phoebe: Yeah. I was just in there. He introduced himself and the next thing I know, we’re making out. You know. Rachel: Phoebe, I mean, you do know he’s married? Phoebe: No! Rachel: Phoebe… Phoebe: What am I supposed to do? Ask every guy I make out with if he’s married? No, yeah, I should. Janine: Hey Joey. Joey: Hey. Uh, can I talk to you for a second? This, uh, kid in this picture. Do you, uh, know this kid? Is that like a relative or something? Janine: No, I just thought it was cute. Joey: Yeah, that’s what I was afraid of.. Okay, uhh…Look Janine I really want you to feel at home here, but some of this new stuff. It’s…too girly. Janine: Ohh. Like what? Joey: Like this. Pictures of cute babies we don’t know. We..we can’t have that. Janine: Joey, it’s Anne Geddes. She’s a famous artist. Joey: Look I don’t know this baby. I don’t know if she’s a famous artist or not. You know, and I don’t want to be a jerk but you’re changing too much around here. Janine: Well, I’m sorry. I just thought I’d try to make the place a little nicer. Joey: Yeah but it’s too much stuff. You know like, you got the candles and the foofy schmoofer thing here and over here you got a picture of a watering can. Janine: Well I just thought… Joey: I’m sure it’s a famous watering can, okay. But, come on…and what is with the really hot stick in the bathroom? Janine: It’s a curling iron. Joey: Ohh, well, that’s ok then. But, okay my towels for instance. I come in to the bathroom here and my towel is not on the floor where keep it. It’s up here on some hook..and…smells different. Janine: It’s clean. Joey: Yeah, well, it feels different. Janine: It’s dry. Joey: Alright, I can make my peace with the clean dry towels…Also what is with these chips you bought? Janine: No no no no, it’s potpourri. You’re supposed to smell it. Joey: Well that’s like summer in a bowl. Rachel: Oh, Kim, Hi. Kim: Uhh-huh. Rachel: So you know, I…I handed in that marketing report and I never got to hear what you thought. Kim: I didn’t read it. Rachel: Ahh….So…Wow…The spring line, it’s really going to be great this year, huh? Kim: Yeah. Rachel: So I hear the Ralph Lauren fooled around with someone in the copy room. Kim: Tell me everything. Ross: Hey guys. Chandler and Monica: Hey. Ross: What’s up? Chandler: You know…Oh My God. Monica: What happened to your teeth. Ross: I whitened them. Chandler: Really. Ross: Yeah. What do you think. Monica: Well, I think I shouldn’t look directly at them. Ross: Come on, seriously. Monica: Ross they’re really, really, really white. Chandler: Yeah, what was wrong with your old…human teeth. Ross: Ahh, I-I did leave the gel on a little longer then it said to. Monica: How much longer? Ross: A-A day. Monica: Ross you know that tonight is your date with Hillary? Ross: I know. That’s why I did it. Come on, are they really that bad? Chandler: No, no no no. You’ll be fine. Hillary’s bind, right? Monica: She will be after tonight. Chandler: Yeah. Ross: Oh, hey, hey Rach, do you notice anything..ahh… Rachel: Yeah. Your teeth? Yes, I saw them from outside. You guys are never going to believe this. But, Phoebe made out with Ralph Lauren. Chandler: What??? Monica: Oh my god. Rachel: Yeah I know. She ran into him at my office and they just…made out. And the craziest thing is, now my boss likes me because I told her about it and she said it was the best gossip she’d heard all year. Chandler: I am proud of all my friends today. Monica: My God, Rachel, I can’t believe Phoebe made out with Ralph Lauren. Ohh, I’m so jealous. Chandler: Hi, I’m Chandler. Your live-in boy Monica: Chandler, please, come on. Look at him. Chandler: Oh, I am no women, but that is one tasty dish. Phoebe: Hey. Here. Ohh, who’s the silver fox? Rachel: That-that is your make out buddy. Don’t you recognize him? Oh wait. Ohh, Phoebe I love you. Kiss me please. Phoebe: That’s not Ralph Lauren. Sounds like him though. Rachel: What? Phoebe: Yeah, no, Ralph doesn’t look anything like that guy. He’s-he’s young and he’s got long hair and a beard and a hacky sack. Rachel: Oh My God, Phoebe, that’s not Ralph Lauren. That’s Kenny the copy guy. Phoebe: What? Rachel: Oh..Go..Oh..and I told my boss that someone made out with Ralph Lauren. If she finds out that I lied to her, she is going to hate me even more. Phoebe!! Phoebe: Why would the copy guy say he was Ralph Lauren? Rachel: To get you to make out with him!!! Phoebe: Ohhh. Monica: Nope. Okay, colors that don’t work are blue, yellow, green, red, black, white, orange, and purple. Ross: I don’t know what I’m going to do. That date starts in like an hour. Monica: Hey Ross, maybe if your skin was lighter. Your teeth wouldn’t look so bright. Ross: Oh great. So all I need to do is get some new skin. Thank you. Monica: I’m just saying, if we put just a little bit of makeup on you. Ross: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. We’re not 13 anymore. Monica: Ross this is the only thing left that has a shot at working. Ross: But, won’t she notice I have makeup on? Monica: Please. Half the guys out there have makeup on. Ross: What?? Monica: All right, half the people. I mean, just try it and see. Ross: No. I am not putting on makeup. Phoebe: Hello. Oh good. Ross could you put up some of these flyers for me? OH!! Demon!! Demon!! Monica: Now are drawers will smell nice and we didn’t waste these pantyhose. Chandler: Yes, God forbid we throw out old underwear. You-you know what? I’m going to go over to Joey’s. Monica: Wait, we’re supposed to organize the wrapping paper drawer. Chandler: Yes, but I feel like I’ve really gotten in touch with my feminine side enough today. You know. In fact I think we’re two sachets away from becoming a lesbian couple. Monica: You know what? This has been kind of a girlie day. You’re right, I’m sorry. Chandler: Nah, Nah, it’s okay. I feel like I need to be in guy place. You know, do kind of like a man thing. Monica: Yeah. Go over to Joey’s. Go over to Joey’s and drink some beer and hammer up some drywall. Chandler: You know when guys hang out they don’t just drink some beer and hammer up drywall? Monica: When girls hang out, we don’t have pillow fights in our underwear. I’m sorry. We do. We do. I don’t know why I said that. Joey: Hey Chandler. Come on in. We’re knitting pot holders. Chandler: No thanks, Josephine. Chandler: Hey Ross, I was wondering if… Oh my God!! Where are all the men??? Rachel: Ohh, hi, Kim. Kim: Hi Rachel. Rachel: Yeah, remember that thing I told you that happened yesterday? Well it didn’t happen. Kim: You didn’t cancel the fabric order from Taiwan? Rachel: Okay, two things didn’t happen. Remember I told you that someone made out with Ralph Lauren in the copy room? Well, it turns out that’s not true. Kim: That’s not true? Rachel: No. Kim: Oh that’s interesting? Because I checked and only one keycard was used to access the copy machine yesterday during lunch and that keycard belonged to you, Rachel. Rachel: Oh no, no, no. Oh God, you think I made out with him. Kim: Listen to me. If you think sleeping with Ralph is going to get you my job. You are sadly mistaken. Rachel: I-I don’t want your job. I-I don’t. Ohh this is such a mistake. I did not make out with him. Nobody made out with him. I did not use my keycard yesterday. I don’t even know how to use my keycard. Kim: Hi Ralph. Ralph Lauren:: Hi Kim. Kim: Yeah, nothing happen. You could cut the sexual tension in here with a knife. Hillary: And after that, what could I do except become a chef. Ross: Mmm-Hmm. Hillary: And someday soon, I hope to open my own restaurant. Ross: Mmm. Hillary: You know, you’re a really great listener. Most guys I go out with, they just talk and talk. Ross: Mm-Hmm. Hillary: After a while it’s like, shut your mouth, you know? Ross: Hmm-Hmm. Hillary: I’ve probably been talking too much. Why don’t we talk about you a little bit? Ross: Mmm-Unmm. Hillary: Come on. I want to know. Ross: Hmm-Hmm-Hmm. Okay. I, uh, am from Long Island. I-I came to the city for college. Um, I, um, have a 5 year old son and in my spare time I like to read spy novels. But, but, let’s talk more about you. Hmm. Joey: So what’s really neat. If you sear the stems of the flowers first in a frying pan, your arrangement will look fresh much longer. Monica: Oh my God, Joey, that is such a great tip. Chandler: Monica, could you excuse us for a second? I need to talk to the girl with the flowers. Monica: Okay. Oh but Joey, come over later because I’m going to teach you to make a bird feeder out of just a pine cone and some peanut butter. Joey: Ohh, I love birds. Chandler: What is the matter with you ?!? Joey: What? Chandler: You’re arranging flowers! You got dead flowers! You got a picture, a picture, of a baby dressed like flowers! This is not Joey!! Joey: Hey. Hey look I am still Joey, okay. Flowers they’re just, you know, they’re nice to look at. And that happens to be a picture by a famous artist. Of a famous baby. Chandler: You’re turning into a women. Joey: No I’m not. Why would you say that? That’s just mean. Chandler: Now I’ve upset you? What did I say? Joey: It’s not what you said. It’s the way you said it….Oh My God, I’m a women!!! Rachel: Now, she thinks that I made out with him and I did it to get her job. Phoebe: But why didn’t you just tell her the truth. Rachel: I did but she doesn’t think anyone would be stupid enough to confuse Kenny the copy guy with Ralph Lauren. Phoebe: Well, hey, what if Kenny were the real brains behind the whole company? You know. What if Kenny hired that Ralph Lauren guy to be the pretty front man? Huh, did she ever think of that? Rachel: You were with Kenny today, weren’t you? Phoebe: Just for a second. Rachel: Ohh, Phoebe, what am I going to do? Phoebe: Well, the only thing you can do. Sleep with Ralph Lauren. Rachel: I’m not going to sleep with Ralph Lauren. I mean, I could, but I wouldn’t. Phoebe: Ohh, sleep with Kenny. Rachel: That wouldn’t help me. Phoebe: Ohh, yes it would. Hillary: I’ve had a really good time tonight. Ross: Mmm. Hillary: You know, I rarely connect with someone this much on the first date. Ross: Hillary: Are you going to eat that bread? Ross: Mmmm. Hillary: You make me laugh. Ross: Hmm-Hmm. Hillary: Would you like to move over to the couch? Ross: Mmm-Hmm. Hillary: Maybe I’ll just turn the lights down a little. Ross: How about all the way. Hillary: Okay. Ross: So, ahh, where were we? Hillary: Are those your teeth?? Ross: Ohh, you can see them, huh? Hillary: Yes. They’re insanely white. Ross: I-I, did that for you. Hillary: What’s a matter with you? Ross: What’s a matter with me? You’ve got a black light. It’s 1999! Rachel: Kim, hi. Kim: Hi Rachel. Ohh, I’ve been meaning to ask you. Have you seen the new Ralph Lauren sheets? Ohh, what am I thinking. Of course you have. Rachel: Okay..Okay.. Look. I’m sorry that I lied to you before. You were right. Ralph and I were an item but were not anymore. Kim: Oh, really? Rachel: Yeah, he dumped me. He said, "Rachel, I can’t do this. Even though you are a very, very, very beautiful women. I can’t do this. I’m married and I’m sorry." And then I don’t know why but he said, "and you will never get promoted. Especially not above Kim, who is an integral cog in the Ralph Lauren machine." Kim: You expect me to believe.. Hi Ralph. Ralph Lauren:: Hi Kim. Kim: Oh my God. He just gave you the coldest look I have ever seen. It’s like he hates you. Then it is true. Rachel: Of course it’s true and it hurts so bad. Kim: Ohh honey come here. Ohh it will be ok. We’ve all been there. Rachel: You and Ralph? Kim: Kenny the copyboy. Ending Credits Janine: Hey. Joey: Hey, uhh, I need to talk to you. Janine: What’s the matter? Are you upset? Joey: I’m sorry but we’ve got to get rid of all this girlie stuff in here. I, uh, I got to be a man! Okay. The living room has to remain a guy place, okay? That’s just the way it has to be. Janine: Well, if that’s what you want. I’ll just put it all in my room. Joey: Great…Great…and thanks for being so understanding. I mean, I didn’t want to make a big deal out of this, you know. You could, uh, put the picture of the famous baby in my room. I mean, if you want to. Janine: Okay. Joey: And, uhh, maybe the watering can there. Janine: Sure. Joey: And a couple of these little tiny boxes. Janine: Joey? Do you want me to put it all in your room? Joey: Okay. End Written by: Greg Malins Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Monica: So guess who’s coming to Thanksgiving dinner? Chandler: Sydney Portier? Hehheh. Monica: No, my parents. Chandler: Oh! That’s great, they haven’t seen the place since I moved in! Monica: Yeah, and y’know, if you could not mention to them that we live together, that would be great! , I was thinking we would eat around four. Chandler: Why can’t I tell them that we live together? Monica: Because they don’t know we’re dating. Chandler: Why haven’t you told them?! Monica: Um, well, I was going to, I-I-I really was. But um, then somewhere, just out of nowhere, I didn’t. Chandler: Why haven’t you told them?! Wouldn’t they be happy?! Monica: Chandler: Why wouldn’t they be happy? Monica: Well, um, because mainly, um, they don’t like you. I’m sorry. Chandler: What? What? Why?! Monica: Maybe because you used to be aloof, or that you’re really sarcastic, or that, y’know, you joke around all the time. Or that you take off your clothes and throw them on the couch. Chandler: Is this why they don’t like me or why you don’t like me? Monica: Look, I know that I should’ve told them. I know I shouldn’t care what they think. I’m sorry. Chandler: Y’know, it’ll be okay. It’ll be okay. Because when they come over, I will be all charming, I will make them fall in love with me, and then we’ll tell ‘em. Monica: You really think that’ll work? Chandler: Hey, I can be pretty charming, babe, I won YOU over, didn’t I? Monica: I don’t think you’ll ever get my parents that drunk! Opening Credits Chandler: Hey! Oh, good, Ross! You’re parents like me, right? Ross: Yes, of course they like you! Chandler: Well Monica just told me that they don’t. Ross: Yeah, they don’t like you. Chandler: Do you know why? Ross: I dunno, maybe it’s because you’re really sarcastic. Or maybe it’s cause you uh- Chandler: Well if people don’t know they shouldn’t just guess! Chandler: This is great, another Thanksgiving with nothing to give thanks for. Joey: Maybe I could give thanks for you shuttin’ up, eh? Chandler: Maybe I could give thanks by taking my Playstation over to my new apartment. Joey: Well maybe I love ya’. Chandler: . Janine : Hey. Chandler: Hey. Janine: Hey guys! Ross: No I don’t want to play video games, Joey! Janine: Are you guys going to Chandler’s for Thanksgiving? Joey: Yeah! Yeah, why? What’s up? Janine: Well, me and my dancer friends are thinking of doing Thanksgiving uptown. I thought you guys might like to come. Ross: For real? Janine: No, but you should go to Chandler’s. Because none of us knows how to cook, we’ll probably just end up drinking all day. Joey: Ye-ye, we go to yours! Ross: Yeah, see, we-we-we have to stop across the hall, because it’s my sister. But, uh, uh y’know actually, growing up with a sister was nice because it really helped me understand women. Yeah, you-you should tell your friends that. Janine: Okay. Joey: How you got three women to marry you, I’ll never know. Phoebe: Hey! All: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Hey, Pheebs, check it out. Yeah, for my desert, I have chosen to make a traditional English truffle! Phoebe: Wow, that sounds great! And what are you making Monica, in case Rachel’s dessert is... so good that I eat all of it. There’s none left for anybody else! Monica: Nothing. Rachel: Nothing? Monica: No, sweetie, I-I trust you. Rachel: So, if-if I mess this up, there’s nothing else for dessert? Monica: You’re not gonna mess it up. Rachel: Wow, Monica, I love that, you really have faith in me. Thank you. Technical question, how do you know when uh, the butter’s done? Monica: Well, it’s done about two minutes before it looks like that. Joey and Ross: Hey! All: Hey! Joey: Oh, ooh the food smells great, Mon! Ross: And the place looks so nice! Joey: Yeah, hey hey, Happy Thanksgiving everybody! Ross: Happy Thanksgiving! The Girls: Happy Thanksgiving! Joey: Well, this has been great! Ross: See ya! Monica: Whoa whoa whoa! Where’re you goin’? Ross: Oh, oh, we did say we’d stop by this little thing Joey’s roommate is having. Monica: Oh, Janine, the really hot dancer girl? Ross: Some would say she’s attractive, yes. Phoebe: And who else is going to be there? Joey: Uh, some of her friends, yeah. Rachel: Her dancer friends? Joey: Yes, all right? All of her hot dancer friends are gonna be there and they’re gonna be, be drinkin’ and dancin, and we really wanna go! Ross: Dude, we were good! Monica: You’re not gonna go anywhere, you said you were gonna eat here, and you’re gonna eat here! Phoebe: Yeah, and-and leaving us to go see hot dancer girls is not very Thanksgivingy. Ross: Oh, but-but it is, uh, it’s just like the first Thanksgiving, when the Indians and the Pilgrims uh, sat down to dinner. Joey: Yeah, yeah, and the Indians taught the Pilgrims what it meant to be hot in the new world! Mrs. Geller: Hello everybody! Mr. Geller: Hi! All: Hi! Monica: Dad . Look! Look who it is it’s Chandler! Mrs. Geller: Oh yes of course, hello Chandler. Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Geller, you look wonderful, it is great to have you hear, let us take off your coats! Chandler: Whoa, snowing out there? Mr. Geller: No. Mr. Geller: Monica, all this food looks wonderful, you should think about doing this for a living. Mr. Geller: Ok, I have dandruff. There’s no need to laugh and point. Monica: Dad, Chandler was just laughing at your joke. Mr. Geller: My joke wasn’t funny. Phoebe: Rach, Rach, I just remembered. I had a dream about Mr. Geller last night. Rachel: Really?! Phoebe: Yeah, I dreamt that he saved me from a burning building and he was so brave and so strong! And it’s making me look at him totally differently. Y’know, I mean he used to be just, y’know “Jack Geller Monica and Ross’s dad” and now he’s he’s “Jack Geller, dream hunk." Rachel: I dunno. Y’know to me he’ll always be “Jack Geller, walks in while you’re changing.” Monica: Y’know dad, Chandler is one of Ross’s very best friends! Chandler: Yeah, Ross sure is a great guy, y’know I’ve always felt that how a young man turns out is a reflection on his father. Mr. Geller: I always thought that too. Tell me, what does your father do? Chandler: He’s the headliner of a gay burlesque show. Joey: Rach, you’re killin’ us here, will ya serve the dessert already? Those drunken dancers are waiting! Rachel: Look at it, isn’t it beautiful? Ross: Yeah, yeah, what is it? Rachel: It’s a truffle. It’s got all of these layers. First there’s a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from scratch, then a little more custard, and then bananas, and then I just put some whipped cream on top! Ross: W-What was the one right before bananas? Rachel: The beef? Yeah, that was weird to me, too. But then, y’know, I thought “well, there’s mincemeat pie,” I mean that’s an English dessert, these people just put very strange things in their food, y’know. Oh! by the way, can I borrow some Rum from your place? Joey: Y-sure! Rachel: And while I’m gone don’t you boys sneak a taste. Joey and Ross: Okay. Ross: Beef in a dessert?! I- no no no, there is no way! Joey: I know, and only one layer of jam?! What is up with that? Ross: Oh my God, the pages are stuck together! Joey: Chandler! Ross: Oh My God, she-she made half a English Trifle, and half a...Sheperd’s Pie! Joey: Oh man! Now she’s gonna start all over! We’re never gonna get to introduce the hot girls to the new world! Ross: No, no, we will. We just won’t tell her she messed up. Joey: Just let her serve the beef-custard thing? Ross: Yeah, it’ll be like a funny Thanksgiving story! Joey: Vomiting stories are funny... Rachel: Joey, God, your apartment is like a hundred degrees! Joey: Did-did it make you wanna walk around in your underwear? Rachel: No! Joey: Still not hot enough! Phoebe: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah? Phoebe: Okay, look at him. Look at those strong hands. Oh what I wouldn’t give to be that can of condensed milk. Monica: Mom, uh, Chandler was just saying how beautiful your sweater is. Mrs. Geller: Oh, thank you Chandler! I just bought it. Chandler: Oh, yes. Well it’s very beautiful. It’s cream-colored and tight Mr. Geller: What’s the matter with him? Mrs. Geller: I think he’s stoned again. Chandler: What? Monica: What? Ross: Dude, I need to talk to you a sec. Ross: Okay, I think I might know why my parents don’t like you. Chandler: You do? Why? Ross: Okay, remember, we were young. Hey, Spring break, sophomore year, I got high in my bedroom and my parents walked in and smelled it and so I told them that you had gotten stoned and jumped out the window. Chandler: What?! Why did you do that? Ross: I don’t know, aheh, your’s was the first name that-that popped into my head, I’m I’m sorry. I-I didn’t think it would matter. Chandler: How could it not matter?! Ross: How was I supposed to know we’d end up being friends after college, let alone you-you would be living with my sister? Chandler: What about all that “friends forever” stuff? Ross: I don’t know, I-I was all high. Commercial Break Monica: Mom and dad just sent me in here to find out if you were trying to get Ross stoned! Chandler: Your parents caught Ross smoking pot in college and he blamed it on me! Monica: Ross, I can’t believe you’d do that! Chandler: The reason we haven’t told them we’re together is because they hate me, okay? So will you fix this? Ross: Okay, okay, I’ll tell ‘em it wasn’t Chandler who got high. Now who should I say it was? Monica: You! It’s not like it’s a big deal! You-you don’t still do it or anything! Ross: Alright, alright, now-now who should I say tricked me into doing it? Monica: Dad, please don’t pick your teeth out here! Alright, and if you’re gonna put your feet up, why don’t you sit on the- Phoebe: Monica, leave him alone! Joey: Will you hurry up? Did you not hear me before when I told you that all of Janine’s friends are dancers?! And that they’re going to be drinking alot!? Rachel: No, I did, but tell me again, because it’s so romantic. Joey: Well you’re whippin’ so slow! Can’t you do it any faster? Rachel: Joey! Come on! I don’t wanna make any mistakes, alright? This is the only dessert and if I screw it up everybody's gonna be like “Oh, remember that Thanksgiving when Rachel screwed up the trifle?” Rachel: So why don’t you just let me worry about making the trifle and you just worry about eating it, alright? Joey: Oh I am! Monica: Ross, if you don’t tell them, then I will! Ross: Okay, fine! Joey: Ross! Can I talk to you for a second? Ross: Oh, uh, can it wait a second Joey? I have to tell my parents something. No it can’t? Okay. Joey: Okay, look, I think we have to tell Rachel she messed up her dessert. Ross: What?! What is with everybody? It’s Thanksgiving, not...Truth-Day! Joey: Look, when everyone eats that...that...Banana-Meat thing, they’re all gonna’ make fun of her, do you want that? Ross: Okay, okay, we’ll just get everyone to act like they like it. That-that way noone makes fun of her and we still get to go to Sweet Potatoe Pie! Joey: Dude, they’re not objects. Joey: Just kiddin,’ I’ll talk to them, you distract Rach. Ross: Hey Rach, can I talk to you outside for a second? Rachel: Okay... Rachel: What’s up, Ross? Ross: So um...Thanksgiving. The holiday season is upon us, hm? Rachel: Yeah! Ross: And um...You look nice today. Rachel: Oh no. No Ross, don’t do this. Ross: What? Rachel: I just- I don’t think us getting back together is a good idea. Ross: Eh? Rachel: I thought this might happen today. Ross, I know the holidays can be rough. Y’know? And it’s probably really hard for you to be alone right now. Ross: You’re alone. Rachel: No, I-I live with Phoebe. I mean you’re alone, alone. And I just-it’s just not the time for us. I’m sorry. Ross: Ah well, can’t blame a guy for trying! Joey: Oh and , okay? Chandler: Yeah, I’m not gonna pay for those acting classes anymore. Joey: Rachel, there you are! Come on, let’s serve that dessert already! Rachel: Joey, you’re gonna have to stop rushing me, you know what? You don’t get any dessert. Joey: Really? Rachel: No, I’m just kidding I would never do that to you! Okay, everybody, it’s trifle time! Phoebe: So, now, Rach, this is a traditional English trifle, isn’t it? Rachel: It sure is. Phoebe: Wow. So then did you make it with beef or Eggplant? Rachel: Beef. Phoebe: I can’t have any. You know I don’t eat meat. Ohhh no. Rachel: Alright, Monica, I want you to have the first taste. Monica: Really? Rachel: Oh oh oh, wait! You only got whipped cream in there! Ya gotta take a bite with all the layers! Monica: Okay. Rachel: Op! Wait, you dropped a pea. Rachel: Well? Monica: Mmmm! It’s good! Rachel: Really? How good? Monica: It’s so good, that I feel really selfish about being the only one who’s eating it, that I think we should have everyone taste how good it is. Especially Ross. All: Mmm. Chandler: Yeah, this is so good, that I’m gonna go enjoy it on the balcony so that I can enjoy the view whilst I enjoy my dessert. Mrs. Geller: I’ve gotta call my friend Mary and tell her how good this is, from Monica’s room. Mr. Geller: I’ll help you dial. Monica: I’m gonna go into the bathroom so I can look at it in the mirror, as I eat it. Rachel: Okay, now what was that all about? Is it-does it not taste good? Let me try it. Ross: Wha? No no! Ah! All gone! So good! Maybe Chandler has some left. Ross: It tastes like feet! Joey: I like it. Ross: Are you kidding? Joey: What’s not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Gooooood. Rachel: ...So a bird just grabbed it, and then tried to fly away with it and, and then just dropped it on the street? Chandler: Yes, but if it’s any consolation, before the bird dropped it, he seemed to enjoy it. Phoebe: Rachel, come here. Okay, I was just starting to take my Thanksgiving nap, and I had another dream about Jack. Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, do I wanna hear this? Phoebe: I dunno, let’s see! So, okay, I dreamt that we were gonna get married, and he left, becuz he had to go fight a fire. And, um, so okay, I went to a night club, and I saw him making out with a girl. Rachel: Oh my God, he dream-cheated on you! Phoebe: Yeah, but then Jacques Cousteau came and he kicked his ass for betraying me! It was soo cool! Then, he took me diving and he introduced me to his pet seahorse, who, by the way, was totally coming on to me, and please, that is not gonna happen. Mr. Geller: Boy, I’m glad I wore the big belt today. Phoebe: Five minutes ago, a line like that would’ve floored me. Now nothing. Well, not nothing, I am still a woman. Monica: Ross? Let’s go. Ross: Oh yeah, about telling Mom and Dad, I was thinking about maybe writing a letter. Monica: Alright, you know what? That’s it. You’ve had your chance. Ross: Wha-what? Monica: Mom! Dad! Ross smoked pot in college! Mr. and Mrs. Geller: What?! Ross: You are such a tattletale! Mom, Dad, you remember that-that time you walked in my room and smelled marijuana? Mr. and Mrs. Geller: Yes. Ross: Well I told you it was Chandler who was smoking the pot but it was me. I’m sorry. Mrs. Geller: It was you? Monica: And Dad, y’know that mailman that you got fired? He didn’t steal your Playboys! Ross did! Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn’t break the porch swing, Monica did! Monica: Ross hasn’t worked at the museum for a year! Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together! Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas! And got divorced! Again!!!! Phoebe: I love Jacques Cousteau! Rachel: I wasn’t supposed to put beef in the trifle! Joey: I wanna gooooooo! Mrs. Geller: Monica, why you felt you had to hide the fact that you were in an important relationship is beyond me. Mr. Geller: And we kinda figured about the porch swing. Mrs. Geller: Ross, drugs? Divorced? Again? Mr. Geller: What happened son? Ross: I-I uh, I got tricked into all those things! Mrs. Geller: Chandler! You’ve been Ross’s best friend all these years, stuck by him during the drug problems. And now you’ve taken on Monica as well. Well, I don’t know what to say. You’re a wonderful human being. Chandler: Thank you! Mr. Geller: No! Thank you! Monica, and Ross! I don’t know what I’m gonna do about the two of you! Chandler: I’ll talk to them! Closing Credits Rachel: You guys! It was bananas, cream, and beef! I-I just cannot believe that you ate that so that I wouldn’t feel bad! Monica: Well actually, I-I didn’t eat mine. It’s still in the bathroom. Joey: No it isn’t, I ate that. Mrs. Geller: Well we left ours in Monica’s bedroom. Joey: Nope, got it and I got yours too. End Written by: Brian Boyle Transcribed by: Samantha Stein Chandler: Let me ask you, why is everybody using these tiny lights nowadays? I remember when people used to use big lights. Rachel: That’s a good story, Grandpa. Ross: Hey All: Hey Ross: Wow, Monica’s letting other people help decorate her tree! Did someone get her drunk again or? Monica: Having a perfectly decorated tree is not what Christmas is about. It’s about being with the people that you love. Phoebe: That is nice and we’re done. TADA! Chandler: I dunno what it is, it just doesn’t quite feel like Christmas to me. Monica: Oh, here. Chandler: See now it feels like Christmas! Opening Credits Ross: … and that’s the story of the dreidle. Now, some people trace the Christmas tree back to the Egyptians, who used to bring green palm branches into their huts on the shortest day of the year, symbolising life’s triumph over death. And that was like 4000 years ago. Rachel: So, pretty much around the same time that you started telling this story. Joey: Hey you guys. Chandler: Hey Joe what’s up? Joey: I had to get out of the apartment. Janine is like stretching all over the place. Y’know, everywhere I look she’s like… Chandler: I can see why that’s hard to resist. Joey: I like her so much! Monica: Aw, I’m sorry sweetie that she doesn’t feel the same way. Joey: I know. And she’s so sweet. I just wanna feed her grapes and brush her hair. Chandler: You are aware that she’s not a monkey, right? Ross: I am so over Janine. I mean, yeah, at first I thought she was hot, but now she’s like OLD NEWS! Janine: Hey guys! Ross: Hi Janine! Janine: I just got a call to be a dancer on a television special for New Year’s Eve. It’s called some sort of Dick’n Rock’n Dickie Eve. Monica: Hold it! Are you talking about Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rocking Eve? Janine: Yeah, that’s what I said. Monica: Oh my God! We love that show! I mean Ross and I have been watching it since I can remember! Chandler: Ah, you’re still just a little fat girl inside aren’t you? Janine: Well I’m gonna be on it this year. I’m gonna be one of the party people. Ross: You’re gonna be a party person! Those guys rock the most! Janine: Well they said I should bring someone. Do you wanna be my dance partner? Joey: Totally! I would love to spend New Year’s with you. Janine: Well actually they’re taping tomorrow. I don’t really understand why. Ross: Oh, well you see how it works is, the part with Dick Clark in Times Square is actually live, but they tape some of the party stuff ahead of time. Yeah, not a lot of people know that. Janine: Yeah well, do you guys wanna come too? Ross: Are you serious? Monica: We are there! Chandler: What, what are you laughing at? Rachel: Well, I used to date him, but you’re still going out with her! Janine: Thanks. Great so we can all go together! I gotta run. Catch you later! All: Bye! Ross: Bye Janine! Joey: Did she just ask me out on a date? Chandler: I don’t think so. Monica: What are you talking about? She just invited him to the biggest party of the millennium! Rachel: Yeah, but she also invited you and Ross. Yeah, honey, I’m sorry, but I don’t think that was a romantic thing. Joey: Oh. Maybe. But hey I know how I can find out. We’re going to a New Year’s Eve party, right? So at midnight, I can kiss her. And if she kisses me back, great! Y’know? But if she says ‘Dude, what the hell are you doing?’ I can say ‘It wasn’t me, it was New Years!’ Rachel: Well, that’s a lot better than Ross trying to kiss me in High School, and saying that he did it because he needed chapstick. Ross: It was a dry day. Monica: We are going to Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rocking Eve! Ross: Oh my God! Monica: Oh my God! Chandler: Oh my God! Joey: OK, listen I’ve been on sets before, so let me give you a little advice, alright? It’s a show, but we’re just dancing, OK? It’s no big deal. The important thing to remember – stay cool. Ross: Got it! Ross: Oh my God it’s just like I dreamed it! Director: OK, everyone gather up. Monica and Ross: ‘Scuse us Director: Here’s what’s gonna happen. The music’s gonna start, you’re gonna dance, we’re gonna tape, you don’t look at the camera. Any questions? Ross: Yeah, I have a question. When is this gonna air? Director: Uh, yeah. Now you guys dance over there, you guys over there, and I want you two right around here, and everyone else spread out. Joey: Ross! So when is it gonna air? Rachel: Okay, you look in the kitchen, I will look in the back closet. Chandler: I can save you time ladies, I’m right here. Phoebe: Yeah, Chandler why don’t you take a walk? This doesn’t concern you. Rachel: We are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica. Chandler: What? That’s terrible! Phoebe: No-no, we do it every year! Chandler: Oh well, that makes it not terrible. Phoebe: No, yeah, we never find them! She’s always best at us that wily minx. Rachel: Don’t worry, we’re just gonna search here for an hour, them we’re gonna go over to Joey’s and search, OK? Chandler: No not okay, you can’t look for Monica’s presents! Phoebe: But we have to! Chandler: No, you don’t have to, and you can’t because I live here too. Phoebe: Well then, you should look with us. Chandler: Why? Rachel: Chandler, aren’t you worried about what to get Monica for Christmas? Chandler: No, I have a great idea for a present for her. Phoebe: Oh, that’s it? A great idea! Rachel: Chandler, that’s not enough. I mean what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents, and a bunch of little presents? And you’ve just gotten her one great present? I mean that’s just gonna make her feel bad. Why would you do that to her Chandler? Why? Why? Chandler: If I help, we can find ‘em faster! Rachel: That’s right! Phoebe: Ooh ooh, we have a live one! Rachel: Oh, it’s a Macy’s bag! Phoebe: Ooh, who’s it for? Rachel: Dear losers, do you really think I’d hide presents under the couch? P.S. Chandler, I knew they’d break you. Phoebe: Uh-oh. She may be onto us. Rachel: We are so gonna find them this year. Chandler: Y’know when you guys said you were gonna go across the hall and look, you don’t, you don’t do that every year do you? Rachel: Yeah. Chandler: You don’t, like go into the back of my closet, and look under my gym bag or anything? Phoebe and Rachel: No, we never do that Chandler: Because that’s where Joey gave me some stuff to store that I’ve never seen before in my life! Okay, that did not just happen! Monica: Okay, here comes another camera. Ross: Right. No biggie. Stay loose. Ross: Why do they keep doing that? Monica: If we wanna get on camera, I think we have to get up on one of those platforms. They’ve been taping those people up there all day. Ross: Right. Ross: Hey, what’d you guys do to get up on there? Girl: We learned how to dance. Monica: Oh yeah? Well when you learned how to dance did you forget how to put on underpants? Ross: Yeah! Janine: Hey! You’re a good dancer! Joey: Really? Janine: Yeah, well you’d be better if you just loosened your hips a little. Joey: What do you mean? Janine: Like this. Janine: That’s it, feel the rhythm. That’s better. Joey: Uh-huh. Director: Okay, you’re dancing with that girl over there. Joey: No-no-no-no-no we came together! Director: I don’t see it. Joey: No-no hey buddy, please let me dance with that girl, I really like her and I think I have a shot. Director: Really, y’think so? I don’t.. Commercial Break Chandler: I couldn't find anything at Joey--Hey-hey, oh hey! Rachel: Yeah, we found them. There were in the guest room closet behind some coats. Phoebe: Yeah, and you have nothing to worry about 'cos they're all crap! Chandler: Those are my gifts, I got them for you. Phoebe: Ohhh. Thanks Chandler they're great! Rachel: Well Chandler, what is this very weird, metal A Z thing? Chandler: Those are book ends! That's a great gift! Phoebe: Oh, okay, I'm sorry, thank you for my azzz. Rachel: Ha! Chandler: Make sure you put all that stuff back in the closet, okay? Rachel: Yes, okay, oh, by the way, I just gotta say, I think it's really nice of you that even after you've moved, you still keep storing that stuff for Joey! Joey: Hey-hey dancer girl! Can I go to the bathroom? I just.. Looking good Gellers! Ross: We know! Monica: Hey, see that snippy guy over there? He’s the one who decides who gets up on the platform. We should go dance by him. Ross: Okay. Director: Okay, everybody hold! Director: Next on the platforms are… …You two! Monica: Excuse me, sir, would it help if I weren’t wearing underpants? Ross: Monica! Would it? Joey: Hey! Tall guy! Hey, listen, I wanted to talk to you about that girl that you’re dancing with. Tall Guy: She’s nice, huh? To think I almost brought my wife to this! Joey: Yeah, yeah, okay. Uh, look buddy, I came with that girl, and I had this plan to kiss her at the new years countdown – I’m trying to win her over, so I was wondering if.. Tall Guy: No I don’t think so. Joey: Oh come on man, you can dance with my partner, she’s real, uh, mellow! Tall Guy: Look, are you dating this girl you came with? Joey: Well, I was hoping after tonight that maybe I could you know… Tall Guy: No, no. She’s fair game if you ask me, sorry buddy! Joey: Alright, alright, hey y’know fair is fair, Tall Guy: God! What are you, in second grade? Joey: Hey, now you’re the one who wet his pants. Monica: Man, this sucks! Y’know if Mom and Dad don’t see us on TV after we made them so jealous, I mean, who’s gonna be the losers then? Ross: Hey, I know what’ll get us up on a platform! Monica: What? Ross: The routine! Monica: Ross, we haven’t done the routine since middle school. Ross: Hey, when the snippy guy sees the routine, he’ll wanna build us our own platform! Monica: Was it really that good? Ross: We got honourable mention in the brother/sister dance category! Look, it’s almost fake midnight, do we really have any other choice? Monica: Okay, let’s do it. Mom and Dad are gonna be so faced! Monica: 5 6 7 8! Ross: So, do we really have to ask who’s going up on the platform next? Director: Oh no! You get up there and do that again exactly like that! Monica: Yes! Director: Alright cut! Listen up everyone, when we start again it’s gonna be the countdown to new years, so I wanna see everybody’s excitement. Tall Guy: Hey, pal, you have about three seconds to get away from my partner. Director: What’s going on over here? Joey: Uh, take a look at the guy’s pants! I mean, I know you told us to show excitement, but don’t you think he went a little overboard? Director: What’s the matter with you? Get out of here! Joey: Yeah, take a hike wetpants! Ross: Can you believe this? We’re gonna be on the platform for the Millennium moment! Monica: I know! Hey, you haven’t been practising the routine, have you? Ross: No! Monica: Me too! Ross: Hey, when the music starts up again, I was thinking of maybe goind into the robot, y’know? Monica: Ross, I think we should stick to the routine, we don’t wanna look stupid! Director: Alright we’re back! Ten seconds left here we go! Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Joey’s Head: Okay, it all comes down to this. Whatever happens, happens. Destiny. All: Three, Two, One! Director: Cut! Joey: No! Year! Happy No Year! Director: Okay, here’s where we go to the live shot of Times Square, nice work everyone that’s a wrap! Phoebe: Hey! Look who I found! Chandler: Oh, hey guys! Phoebe: Y’know, birds have a very good sense of direction, and I thought maybe they could help us find where the presents are hidden. Chandler: Yes, if the presents are hidden south for the winter. Phoebe: Or we could just follow your clever jokes – any ideas? No! Didn’t think so! Okay, c’mon guys, show us where the presents are! Chandler: Oh, the duck seems to think that Monica got me garbage! Hmm, I wonder what I could get Monica that’s as good as garbage? Phoebe: Hmm, how about my azzz? Rachel: Hey, this is hollow. Phoebe: What? Rachel: This bench, it’s hollow! I can’t believe I never knew that! Oh, the presents!!! Phoebe: No, don’t look directly at them! Chandler: What? Phoebe: Alright, no, we could look at them! Rachel: Oh, this one’s for me! Phoebe: Oh, this one’s for Chandler. Here. Chandler: Oh great! Phoebe: And the big one’s for me! Rachel: Ooh, let’s open them! Chandler: Okay! Okay! Okay! Phoebe: Hee hee! Chandler: Wait, we can’t do this. Phoebe and Rachel: Why? Chandler: I don’t wanna know what Monica got me. Y’know? I mean, look, I’m sure she worked really hard at getting you a present, and wanting to surprise me, and you guys are gonna ruin that, and I, look we have to put these back, this is not what Christmas is about. Rachel: Whatever Linus, I’m opening mine. Chandler: Nobody is opening anything ok? Look, I don’t know about you guys, but I wanna see the look on Monica’s face when I give her my present, and I’m sure she wants to see the look on my face when I get mine. So please, please, can we just, can we put them back? Phoebe: Will you get us better gifts? Chandler: Fine! Monica: Hey guys! You found the presents? Chandler, you let them find the presents? Great! Do you know how long it took me to find you that water purifier? Chandler: That’s what you got me? Phoebe: Oh yes, I see what you mean. That look is priceless. Joey: Home sweet home, huh? Nice to, uh, get back to reality. Plus we know how the New Year’s gonna go off. I guess there’s no reason for all that Y2K panic, y’know? Anyway, g’night! Janine: Joey. Joey: Yeah? Janine: Happy New Year. Joey: Oh, yoii. What was that for? Janine: Well, I don’t know tonight when they yelled cut and we didn’t get to kiss, I was really, really, disappointed, and I just, really wanted to kiss you Joey: Really? In the moment, I really wanted to kiss you too. In the moment. Janine: In the moment, yeah. Joey: But only in the moment. So do ya wanna kiss again? Janine: Sure, New Year’s Eve is only two weeks away. Can you wait? Joey: No. Janine: Me neither. Joey: 3, 2, Janine: Joey, you don’t have to count down every time we kiss. Joey: Uh, yeah, okay. Except I sorta felt like I needed a couple of seconds to get ready. Ending Credits Monica: We were on the platform, ready to dance the world into the new Millennium, and the guy yelled ‘CUT!’ Rachel: Uh, wait, so you guys are telling me you actually did the routine from eighth grade? Monica: Yeah. But of course we had to update it a little bit. Hey, by the way, great thinking about catching me! Rachel: ‘Cos I was gonna say there’s no way you could’ve done the end the way you guys did it back then! Monica: What? We could do it! Ross: I don’t know, I mean you were a lot bigger, I mean, stronger back then. Monica: I can do it, okay? Come on, let’s go. Monica and Ross: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 Monica: I can’t do it! Chandler: Now you do that, you’re on TV. End Teleplay by: Brian Boyle Story by: Zachary Rosenblatt Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Joey: Hey! Ross: Hey! Joey: Listen, do you guys think I have a chance with Janine? Monica: Honey, we have been through this before! Rachel: Yeah. Don’t do this to yourself. Phoebe: She’s made it pretty clear, it is not going to happen. Joey: Well all right then, I guess I shouldn’t get to excited about the fact that I just kissed her! Monica: You serious?! Chandler: That’s great! Monica: Really?! Phoebe: Yeah well, we’ll see. Ross: You kissed her. Joey: Oh we kissed it up real nice. Chandler: So you kissed her, so what happened after that? Joey: I came over here to tell you guys. Chandler: So she’s just waiting over there for ya? Opening Credits Janine: I gotta go. Joey: Okay. Janine: I’m gonna be really late for dance class! Joey: Okay. Janine: Okay, now I’m really late. Joey: Okay, I’m all right, okay, but hey, could you just leave your lips? Janine: Bye. Monica: Bye. Joey: Have you kissed her yet? It’s awesome! I could do it forever! Y’know what? She-she kisses better than my mom cooks! Monica: I am so glad you said cooks. Rachel: I know. Chandler: Rachel: Oh-oh, Pottery Barn! You can throw the rest away. Chandler: I’m not your garbage man. I’m your mailman. Rachel: Monica look! Look-look-look! Here is that table that I ordered. Monica: You got it from Pottery Barn?! Rachel: Yeah! It’s an apothecary table. Does anyone even know what an apothecary is? Chandler: A pharmacist. Monica: Rach, Phoebe hates Pottery Barn. Joey: I hate Pottery Barn too. They kicked me out of there just because I sat on a bed! Chandler: You took off your pants and climbed under the sheets! Joey: I was tired! Rachel: Phoebe hates Pottery Barn?! Monica: Yeah, she hates all mass produced stuff. She thinks her furniture should have a history, a story behind it. Rachel: Well this has story behind it! I mean they had to ship it all the way from the White Plains store. Monica: It’s gotta be one of a kind. Y’know like umm, y’know uh, what’s that God awful ceramic fruit bowl she has on her counter? Joey: Hey! I made that for her! Chandler: You made pottery? Joey: Yeah! I made it of this fruit bowl I found in the garbage. Monica: I’m telling—If you put that in her apartment you’ll never hear the end of it. Rachel: Okay fine! I’ll-I’ll just tell her it’s an antique apothecary table, she doesn’t have to know where it came from. Oh! Look at this little drawers! Oh look-look it says that it holds 300 CDs. Chandler: Ahh, just like the apothecary tables of yore… Chandler: …so then the farmer says, "That’s not a cow and you’re not milking it." Monica: I am so glad you guys got together, Chandler and I are always looking for a couple to go out with and now we have one! Chandler: Look at us, we’re a couple of couples! Janine: I had so much fun tonight, and what a great restaurant. Monica: Yeah. Joey: And Chandler I can’t believe I let you pay for this one. Thanks man. Monica: So do you guys gonna come over tomorrow? I’ll make that pasta thing I was telling you about. Janine: Oh that would be great! Joey: Oh, but hey look, at least let us bring the wine. Monica: Joey, you don’t have too! Joey: Nope-op! I insist! You get the wine right? Chandler: Yeah all right. Okay, good night guys. Joey: See ya tomorrow! Monica: Tomorrow! Janine: Can’t wait! Janine: How are we gonna get out of that one? Joey: What? Janine: I can’t handle two nights in a row with them. Joey: What-what’s wrong with Monica and Chandler? Janine: I don’t know, they’re just a little blah! Joey: Blah?! Janine: Well y’know, he’s blah, she’s just—she’s very loud for such a small person. Joey: Uh, they’re like my best friends. Are you saying we can’t hang out with them? ‘Cause that would kinda be a problem. Janine: No! Of course we can still hang out with them. Just y’know, not two nights in a row. Okay? Joey: I guess. Janine: Thank you. Joey: If you want, I’ll sell my friends and use the money to buy you presents. Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Phoebe: Ooh, what a great table! Where-where did you get it? Rachel: Guess! Phoebe: Umm, a flea market? Rachel: Ha! See, I knew, I knew you’d get it on the first guess. Isn’t it cool! It’s an apothecary table. Phoebe: Wow! Oh you can just imagine that this is where they kept all the stuff to make their potions. Rachel: Ohh, yes. Phoebe: Y’know? Ooh, you can almost smell the opium. Rachel: Almost. Phoebe: How much was it? Rachel: It was only 500 bucks. Phoebe: 500 bucks at a flea market?! Rachel: Oh, okay see I thought, I thought you meant how much was it when it was new, y’know like back then. Phoebe: Oh no. Rachel: Yeah no, I mean it was at a flea market, so it was y’know, it was like a dollar. Phoebe: A dollar? Rachel: And fifty. So it was like one and fifty dollars. Phoebe: Ohh, okay, they gave you the old time pricing. Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: Well, what period is it from? Rachel: Uh, it’s from yore. Like the days of yore. Y’know? Phoebe: Yes, yes I do. God, oh it’s just perfect! Wow! I bet it has a great story behind it too. Did they tell you anything? Like y’know where it was from or… Rachel: Yes! That I know, this is from White Plains. Phoebe: White Plains. Oh, it sounds like such a magical place. Rachel: Hey! We’re here! Ross: Hey! Rachel: Ohh! Oh my God! Ross: You like it? Rachel: Oh no! Ross: It’s my new apothecary table! Rachel: Ross! Phoebe’s gonna be here any second, she cannot see this! Ross: Well why not?! She’ll-she’ll love it! It’s the real thing! I got it at Pottery Barn. Rachel: I know you did! I bought the same one! And if she sees your table she’s gonna know that I lied to her. I told her ours was an original. Ross: Why did you do that? Rachel: Because she hates Pottery Barn. Ross: She hates Pottery Barn?!! Rachel: I know! I know, she says it’s all mass-produced, nothing is authentic, and everyone winds up having the same stuff. So come on, she’s gonna be here any second! Can we please just cover this up with something?! Please? Ross: What? No! No! I am not gonna hide it from Phoebe—Ooh, although I did get some great Pottery Barn sheets! Rachel: Ooo! Oh, I forgot they made sheets! Ross: Uh, yeah! I still can’t believe she hates Pottery Barn! Rachel: Ross, get over it! It’s not like she hates you. Ross: Yeah but Pottery Barn! Y’know what I think? It’s just she-she’s weird. Y’know it’s because she’s a twin. Twins are weird. Rachel: Ross, she’s not weird, she just wants her stuff to be one of a kind. Ross: Huh. Y’know what’s not one of a kind? A twin! Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Ross: Hey! Rachel: Ooh, Phoebe’s here! Okay, let’s turn out all the lights and we’ll just watch the movie! Phoebe: Okay. Hey—Ooh, cool sheets! Ross: Oh, you like it? You wanna know where I got it? Phoebe: Sure! Rachel: He got it a flea market! Phoebe: You bought your sheets at a flea market? Ross come on, you gotta loosen the purse strings a little. Monica: Hey! Joey: Hi! Monica: The dinner will be ready in twenty minutes. This is so exciting. Chandler: And here is the bottle of wine for you to bring over tonight. You were also going to buy Monica flowers but you couldn’t afford it, because you paid dinner last night. Joey: Thanks. Thanks, but uh actually it’s just gonna be me again tonight. Monica: What happened to Janine? Joey: Oh, she’s uh-uh really sick. Chandler: Oh that’s too bad. Joey: Yeah, she’s been in there all day , uh high fever, a nose problem… Phlegm! Phlegm! Phlegm-phlegm-phlegm! Janine: Monica! Chandler! I’m really-really sorry about tonight. I don’t know if Joey told you; I just couldn’t get out of going to this play. I’m sorry. Have a great time. Joey: ‘Kay! Janine: Bye. Chandler: That’s funny, I saw no phlegm. Commercial Break Joey: No-no, she really is sick! Chandler: Then why-why is she going to a play?! Joey: Uh, y’know, starve a fever, go to a play for a cold. Monica: Joey! Why is Janine not coming over for dinner?! Joey: Well uh, she didn’t want to hang out with you guys two nights in a row. I’m so sorry. Chandler: Well, why does she not want to hang out with us?! Joey: Because she uh, she-she thinks that you are blah and that you, Monica, are too loud. Monica: What? Chandler: So she was just pretending to have a good time last night? She was lying to our faces?! Monica: Ugh, I can not believe this! I mean, who is she to judge us? We could not have been nicer to her! Chandler: And I am not blah, I am a hoot! Joey: I know! I know! Come on, please-please you guys, don’t-don’t be mad. I’m sure she just, she just said that stuff because she was nervous and you guys are like my best friends! Y’know? And it was our first date! Plus, she’s really sick! Chandler: No, you sh—No you said you made that up!! Joey: I know, but don’t you think the sick thing is way better than the play thing? Chandler: Eh, they’re both good. I generally just go with, Monica’s drunk again. Joey: Come on you guys, come on please-please just give her another chance, huh? She’ll come around I promise. Monica: Of course we will, come on we gotta make dinner. Chandler: Okay. Monica: I do not like that woman! Joey: I can hear you! Monica: I am loud! All: Aww! Rachel: That’s funny. Ross: Hey Pheebs, could you please not put your feet up on my new……old sheet? Phoebe: Oh sure! Noo! Rachel: Ohh!! Ross: My apothecary table!!! Phoebe: What?! Rachel: Noooooo!! Phoebe: Ross, where did you get this?! Ross: I got it at Pottery Barn!! Okay?! Rachel: Oh my God, Phoebe, Pottery Barn has ripped off the design of our antique! Phoebe: Wow! Oh my God, well if they’ve ripped off our table ours must be much more than one and fifty dollars! Rachel: Oh yes. Phoebe: Well this doesn’t even smell like opium. Ross: Of course not, it smells like wine, which you spilled! And thanks for wrecking my sheet by the way. Phoebe: Oh Ross, calm down, I’ll give you the 80 cents. Chandler: Okay, one more time. Monica: Chandler, would you like some more orange juice? Chandler: Perfect decibel. Monica: I know!!! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey. Joey: So uh, what are you guys doing? Chandler: Oh nothing, we’re just talking. Y’know, blah-blah-blah. Joey: Look, come on you guys, you said you were gonna try! All right look, I came over here to invite you guys to a movie with me and Janine. Monica: Well, I’d like to but, I’m not sure we have time to go. Joey: Ha-ha, very funny—Look! I don’t know what to do! I really want you guys to get along. Just please come to the movie with us. I mean you owe me! Monica: We owe you?! Joey: That’s right! I helped you guys out a lot in the start of your relationship. Huh? I helped you guys sneak around for like six months, and I looked like an idiot! And I was humiliated. And I only made 200 dollars! Monica: We didn’t give you any money! Joey: You don’t think I know that! Rachel: …see I can’t decide whether it would go better next to the new wicker dining chair, the Sahara desk, or the Parker console table. Ross: Wow! I didn’t know that there was a Pottery Barn up here. Rachel: I know, I know. I went a little crazy. Ross: A little? Your place looks like page 72 of the catalogue. Oh look at that! The ornamental bird cage! Large! Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hey. Phoebe: Oh Ross no. Be careful, that is very old! Okay? Early Colonial bird merchants used to bring their birds to market in that. Ross: Fascinating. Phoebe: Another amazing find! Wow! Oh I bet this has a great story too! Rachel: Oh it does, it does! It is a room separating apparatus from Colonial times. Phoebe: Ah! Ross: Hmm, a lot of this stuff is from Colonial times. Hey, what are some other time periods Rachel? Rachel: Well there’s yore. And uh, y’know, yesteryear. Phoebe: Yeah no, I’m telling you Rachel has such a great eye for this stuff. Ross, y’know if you ever decide you need to redecorate—And I think that you should. You should, you should ask Rachel to help. Rachel: Oh honey he doesn’t need my help. Phoebe: Oh, come on! I think he’s ready to get rid of, what did you call it? The cheap knock-offs and dinosaur junk. Ross: Really?! Hey, y’know what? Since you have such a great sense of what I need, uh ooh, here’s-here’s 60 bucks, why don’t you take Phoebe down to that Colonial flea market of yours and get me some stuff. Rachel: Y’know what? I don’t, I don’t think Phoebe really wants to come. Phoebe: No! I do want to! Rachel: Oh, she does want to. Ross: She does want to. Phoebe: Yeah! Rachel: Pheebs, I don’t know what to say. I guess the flea market was just better last time. Phoebe: Well at least I got these sheets for Ross. Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: Uck, look at this! Pottery Barn, yuck! Rachel: Yeah, y’know what? Don’t look at it. Phoebe: No! Look-look! There’s the coffee table they stole from us! Rachel: Ugh, those bastards! Let’s go. Phoebe: That fan kinda looks like ours. And the birdcage and the…wait a sec! This is our exact living room! Rachel: No! No! No! No it’s not! No it’s not! Come on! Phoebe, ours is totally different! I mean we don’t have the… We don’t have the…that lamp! And-and that screen is y’know, on the other side. Phoebe: Oh my God. This is where you got all our stuff, Pottery Barn! Oh my God! Rachel: Okay! Okay-okay look—no I did, I just wanted this stuff and I know how you feel about Pottery Barn. Just… Come on don’t be mad. Phoebe: No-no-no, but I am mad! I am mad! Because this stuff is everything that is wrong with the world! And it’s all sitting up in my living room and all I can think about is how I don’t have that lamp! Rachel: Well then honey, buy the lamp! Hey, we have that 60 bucks from Ross. Phoebe: I can’t! I can’t! Unless… Well are you saying that-that you would move out if-if I didn’t buy that lamp? Rachel: What?! No! I’m not gonna move out! Phoebe: But are you saying that you would move out if I didn’t buy that lamp? Rachel: Oh. Yes! I would so move out! Phoebe: Okay then I don’t have a choice! I have to buy that lamp! Rachel: That’s right! Phoebe: But at least the apothecary table is real. Joey: Well, this-this-this was great. Didn’t everybody have a great time? Janine: Well I did. I really did. And you guys, I’ve got to say, I’m sorry if I was a little weird after the last time we went out. I guess I was just nervous or something. Chandler: That’s totally understandable. Monica: Don’t worry about it. Janine: So we can go out again? Chandler: Oh yeah! Monica: Absolutely! Janine: Oh good. Joey: Oh well then, good night! Monica: Good night! Joey: See? Eh, wasn’t that fun? Janine: We have got to move! Monica: I knew it!! Y’know, you’re not so quiet yourself, missy! Chandler: And I’m blah? Listen, the only thing more boring than watching modern dance is having to listen to you talk about it, "Oh Chandler, I just lost myself in the moment." Janine: Y’know, I know you’re talking, but all I hear is, "Blah. Blah. Blah-blah-blah." Monica: All right! You and me! Let’s go! Right now! Joey: All right! All right! Enough! Enough! Enough!! Enough! Chandler: Y’know I think you can take her. Monica: Joey: All right, uh, we’ve got a little bit of a problem here. These people are my friends; you can’t treat them that way. Janine: They said stuff to me too, y’know! Joey: I know! I know! And I’m going to talk to them about it. They mean so much to me. They… They’re like my family. If you guys are gonna be fighting all the time, I-I… I don’t think we can be together. It just, it just can’t work. It can’t. I’m very upset. Janine: Okay. Okay. Would, would it help if I went over and apologized? Joey: Yeah! Yeah! That would be very helpful! Yeah. Monica: What did I tell you about the hall?! Janine: I was just coming over here to apologize for my behavior! I’d really like it if we could be friends. Monica: Well, I know that would make Joey happy, so, I would like that too. Janine: Great. Monica: Now come on. Well, I’m glad we worked things out. Janine: Me too. Monica: Okay. Janine: I’ll see you. Monica: Bye. Janine: Or I’ll hear you. Monica: Come on! Janine: Wait! Monica: You’d better run! Chandler: Did you hear that? Joey: Yeah uh, what am I gonna do? Chandler: Yeah, I’m sorry man. You wanna go watch? Joey: Yeah! Ending Credits Ross: Hey! Joey: How ya doin’? Chandler: Hey so, did uh, did she move out? Joey: Pretty much, yeah. Monica: I cannot believe you broke up with her just like that. Joey: Well, when it’s not right, you know it. Chandler: You okay? Joey: Yeah! Yeah. I’ll be all right. Ross: Y’know what would cheer you up? Joey: What? Ross: I’m giving this lecture on erosion theories tomorrow night, I think you should come. Joey: You’re right! That did cheer me up! End Teleplay by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Story by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Ross: Hey, you’re not going to believe this. I made up a joke and sent it in to Playboy. They printed it! Phoebe: I didn’t know Playboy prints jokes. Ross: Yeah, they print jokes, interviews, hard-hitting journalism. It’s not just about the pictures. Monica: That didn’t work on mom, it’s not going to work on us. Ross: Here, check it out. It’s the first one, too. Chandler: That is funny. It was also funny when I made it up. Ross: What? Chandler: I made that joke up. Ross: Uh, oh-oh, no you didn’t. I did. Chandler: Yes, I did. I told it to Dan at work, and he said it was the funniest joke he’d ever heard. Ross: Hey, tell Dan, ‘Thanks.’ Ross: What? Rachel: I’m sorry, I was just reading the joke below it. Man, that one is funny. Chandler: Monica, you remember me telling you that joke, right? Monica: No. Chandler: Seriously? Monica: Well, you tell a lot of jokes! Ross: Look, Chandler, it’s my joke. But, hey, if it makes you feel any better they don’t print the name, so it doesn’t really matter who gets credit, right? Chandler: Yeah, I guess. Joey: Hey guys. Chandler: Hey, Joey, Playboy printed my joke. Ross: No, it’s my joke, it’s mine. You can call them, they’ll tell you. Chandler: It’s my joke. Ross: It’s my joke. Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa. Jokes? You guys know they have naked chicks in there, right? Opening Credits Chandler: Dude, you have got to turn on Behind the Music. The band Heart is having a really tough time, and I think they may break up. Joey: Let’s go watch it at your place. Chandler: Nah, Monica’s watching some cooking show. Come on, I don’t want to miss when they were skinny. Joey: Chandler, Chandler, y’know what we should do? You and I should go out and get some new sunglasses. Chandler: What? No, I want to watch this. . Did your cable go out? Joey: No, that’s VH-1. I gotta tell you, the music these kids listen to today . . . It’s like a lotta noise to me. I don’t know… Chandler: Joey, why is your cable out? Joey: I uh, oh! Because, uh, I haven’t really paid the bill Chandler: If you need money, will you please-please just let me loan you some money? Joey: No, Chandler. Look, forget about it, okay? Look, I know things have been a little tight since Janine moved out. Oh, was she hot. Chandler: Whoa ho. Joey: I know! Yeah, but, look I can handle it. All right? Look, I can listen to the radio, huh? And Ross gave me this great book . Chandler: All right, you want to see if the joke stealer will let us watch the show at his place? Joey: Sure. Chandler: Paid your phone bill? Joey: Not so much. Phoebe: Hey. Monica: It’s only you. Phoebe: Wh-wh-what are you doing? Rachel: We are looking at a Playboy. Phoebe: Oh, I want to look too! . Yikes! Monica: So do you think that these pictures—Are, are they trying to tell a story? Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure. I mean, like in the case of this young woman, she has lost her clothes, so she rides naked on the horse, she’s crying out, ‘Where are they, where are they?’ Monica: Well, she’s not going to find them lying in the grass like that. Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Aw, remember the days when you used to go out to the barn, lift up your shirt, and bend over? Rachel and Monica: Yeah. Rachel: You see, now, I would date this girl. She’s cute, she’s outdoorsy, you know, and she knows how to build a fire. I mean, that’s got to come in handy Monica: Okay, I’ve got a question. If you had to pick one of us to date, who would it be? Rachel: I don’t know. Monica: Me neither. Phoebe: Rachel. Monica: What?! Phoebe: I don’t know. Me neither. Joey: You forget how many great songs Heart had. Chandler: Yeah. Ross: You know, Barracuda was the first song I learned to play on the keyboard. Chandler: So, you heard it, you repeated it, so that must mean you wrote it. Joey: Oh, you guys, with this joke. I gotta say, I know I cracked up, but I’m not even sure I got it. Ross: What, you didn’t get it? The doctor is a monkey. Chandler: And monkeys can’t write out prescriptions. Chandler: You are not allowed to laugh at my joke. Ross: Your joke? Well, I think ‘the Hef’ would disagree, which is why he sent me a check for one hundred ah-dollars. Chandler: So, you stole my joke, and you stole my money. Ross: Well, I was going to stick it in the ATM, but now I think I’ll show the sexy teller that I am a published writer. Chandler: Well, she is going to know that you stole the joke. Ross: Oh, what are you going to do, follow me down there? Chandler: Yeah! Ross: Well, I’m not going to go now anyway . Chandler: Okay . Gunther: Here you go. Joey: Ah, Gunther, I can’t pay for this right now because I’m not working, so I’ve had to cut down on some luxuries like uh, payin’ for stuff. Gunther: Well, if you want, you can work here. Joey: Uh, I don’t know. Ya see, it’s just, see I was a regular on a soap opera y’know? And to go from that to this, I just… Plus, I’d have to wait on all my friends. Gunther: Okay, but the money’s good, plus you get to stare at Rachel as much as you want. Joey: What?! Gunther: Flexible hours. Joey: Maybe I could be a waiter. Could I use the phone? Monica: She picked Rachel. I mean, she tried to back out of it, but it was obvious. She picked Rachel. Chandler: He took my joke, he took it. Monica: It’s wrong. You know what else is wrong? Phoebe picking Rachel. Chandler: You know who else picked Rachel? Ross, and you know what else Ross did? He stole my joke. You know what? I’m going to get a joke journal. Y’know? And document the date and time of every single one of my jokes. Monica: That’s a good idea. Chandler: Yeah! Monica: Do you know what’s a bad idea? Chandler: Picking Rachel. Monica: That’s right. Did you hear something? Chandler: Maybe it’s the sound of Ross climbing into my brain and stealing my thoughts. Monica: It’s coming from the living room. Joey: Monica: Hey, you guys. Phoebe and Rachel: Hey. Monica: Oh, don’t you guys look cute. You guys make such a cute couple. Rachel: Monica, what are you doing? Monica: Remember, when you picked Rachel over me? That was funny. Phoebe: I guess it was kinda funny. Monica: It wasn’t funny at all! Why would you do that? Why didn’t you pick me? Phoebe: Fine. The reason that I was leaning a little bit more toward Rachel than you is just that you’re … just … kinda high maintenance—Okay let’s go to lunch! Monica: That is completely untrue. You think I’m high maintenance? Okay, prove it. I want you to make a list and we’re going to go through it point by point! Phoebe: No, okay, you’re right. You’re easy-going. You’re just not as easy-going as Rachel. She’s just more flexible and-and mellow. That’s all. Rachel: Well, people are different. Phoebe: Ya, you know, Rachel … she’ll do whatever you want. Y’know, you can just walk all over her. Rachel: What? Wait a minute. What are you saying, that I’m a pushover? I’m not a pushover. Phoebe: Oh, okay, you’re not a pushover. Rachel: Oh my … you think I’m a pushover. Well wait, watch this, you know what? You’re not invited to lunch. What do you think of that? I think that’s pretty strong, that’s what I think. Come on, Monica, let’s go to lunch. Monica: Rachel: I cannot believe her. Monica: I know. Where do you wanna go eat? Rachel: Oh, oh, I love that Japanese place. Monica: I’m sick of Japanese. We’re not going there. Rachel: All right, wherever you wanna go is cool. Monica: All right. Ross: Oh, hey, Gunther, check this out. Gunther: Yeah, that-that Chandler cracks me up. Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you want anything to drink, ‘cause I’m heading up there. Ross: Uh, yeah, I’ll take a coffee. Thanks, man. Joey: Sure. Coffee? ‘Cause I’m going up there. Rachel: No. Monica: No, thank you. Joey: You guys need anything, ‘cause I’m heading up there. Woman: I’d love an ice water. Joey: You got it. Monica: Joey, what are you doing? Joey: Just being friendly. Rachel: Joey, honey, I don’t think you’re supposed to go back there. Joey: Nah, it’s okay. Right, Gunther? Gunther: Don’t wink at me. And put on your apron. Joey: Okay, but I don’t see you asking any other paying customers to put on aprons. Monica: Joey, do you work here? Joey: No. Customer: Hey, waiter. Joey: Yeah? Commercial Break Monica: Joey, what’s going on. What didn’t you tell us you work here? Joey: It’s kind of embarrassing, y’know. I mean, I was an actor and now I’m a waiter. It’s supposed to go in the other direction. Chandler: So is your apron. You’re wearing it like a cape. Joey: I mean, the job’s easy and the money’s good, you know? I guess I’m going to be hanging out here anyway. I might as well get paid for it, right? I just feel kind of weird serving you guys. Rachel: Come on, Joey, I did it and it was fine. Ross: Yeah, why would it be weird? Hey, Joey, can I get some coffee? Joey: Okay, I guess it doesn’t seem that weird. Ross: Seriously, I-I asked you before and you still haven’t gotten it. Joey: See, now it’s weird again. Chandler: I think it’s great that you work here. You’re going to make a lot of money, and here’s your first tip: Don’t eat yellow snow. . Ah ha ha, 2:15, coffeehouse. Rachel: Well, you know what? This is great. Finally, I have someone I can pass on my wisdom too. Let me tell you about a couple of things I learned while working at the coffeehouse. First of all, the customer is always right. And if anyone is ever rude to you? Sneeze muffin. Joey: Thanks, Rach. Look, you guys are just terrific. Y’know? Now, how about clearing out of here so I can get some new customers. It’s all about turnover. Ross: Joey, seriously, can I get my coffee? Joey: Oh, I’m sorry, Ross. I’ll get it for you right now. And since I made you wait, I’ll toss in a free muffin. Rachel: Phoebe. We would like to talk to you for a second. Phoebe: Okay. Monica: So, maybe I am a little high maintenance. And maybe Rachel is a little bit of a pushover. But you know what we decided you are? Rachel: Yes, we are very sorry to tell you this, but you, Phoebe, are flaky. Monica: Hah! Phoebe: That true, I am flaky. Rachel: So, what, you’re just, you’re just okay with being flaky? Phoebe: Yeah, totally. Monica: Well, then, I’m okay with being high maintenance. Rachel: Yeah, and I am okay with being a pushover. Phoebe: That’s great. Good for you guys. Monica: I am not high maintenance! Rachel: I am not a pushover! Phoebe: Who said you were? Monica and Rachel: You did! Phoebe: Oh, I’m flaky. I’ll say anything. Joey: Hey, Gunther. Can you uh, can you cover for me? I just got an audition. Gunther: No, I’m leaving to get my hair dyed. Joey: Really?! I like your natural color. Come on man, it’s a great part. Look, check it out. I’m the lead guy’s best friend and I wait for him in this bar and save his seat. Listen-listen. ‘I’m sorry, that seat’s saved.’ Gunther: That’s the whole part? Joey: Okay, maybe he’s not his best friend, but … Gunther: Okay, I’ll see you in an hour. Joey: Oh, man, I could totally get that part. ‘I’m sorry, that seat is taken.’ Patron: Oh, excuse me. Joey: No, no, I didn’t mean you. But, you believed me, huh? Patron: I believed you were saving this seat for someone. Joey: So, you’d hire me, right? Patron: For what? Joey: Exactly! All right, everybody, listen up. The coffeehouse is going to be closed for about an hour. Customers: Huh? What? Joey: Yeah, it’s for the kids. To keep the kids off drugs. It’s a very important issue in this month’s Playboy. I’m sure you all read about it. Ross: It’s my joke. Chandler: It’s my joke. Ross and Chandler: It’s my joke. Ross: Y’know, I don’t think we’re going to settle this. Chandler: Let’s have Monica decide. Ross: Yeah! Chandler: Yeah! Ross: Hey Mon. Chandler: Mon, get out here! Ross: Monica! Chandler: Okay, okay. You have to help us decide whose joke this is. Monica: Why do I have to decide? Chandler: Because you’re the only one that can be fair. Ross: Yeah. Monica: I can’t be fair. You’re my boyfriend. Ross: Yeah, but I’m your brother. We’re family. That’s the most important thing in the world. Chandler: I’m your only chance to have a baby. Okay, let’s go. Ross: We’ll each tell you how we came up with the joke and then you decide which one of us is telling the truth—me. Monica: Okay, Chandler, you go first. Chandler: Okay, I thought of the joke two months ago at lunch with Steve. Monica: Oh, wait, is he the guy I met at Christmas? Chandler: Can I finish my story?! Monica: Do you want me to pick you?! Ross: See, I would never snap at you like that. Monica: Continue. Chandler: So Steve said he had to go to the doctor. And Steve’s doctor’s name is Doctor Muppy. So I said, ‘Doctor Monkey?’ And that is how the whole Doctor Monkey thing came up. Ross: Are you kidding? Okay, look. I-I studied evolution. Remember, evolution? Monkey into man? Plus, I’m a doctor, and I had a monkey. I’m Doctor Monkey! Chandler: I’m not arguing with that. Monica: All right, I’ve heard enough. I’ve made my decision. Monica: You are both idiots. The joke is not funny, and it’s offensive to women, and doctors, and monkeys! You shouldn’t be arguing over who gets credit, you should be arguing over who gets blamed for inflicting this horrible joke upon the world! Now let it go! The joke sucks! Ross: It’s your joke. Chandler: Is not. Monica: Hi, Chandler. There you are. Chandler: Hi, oh hi. Monica: Hey, it’s Phoebe and Rachel. Um, why don’t you tell them what you were telling me earlier about me not being high maintenance? Chandler: —generosity of spirit. Rachel: Wow, you know what? That is the best fake speech I think I’ve ever heard. Phoebe: Really? I’ve heard better. Monica: Wait, wait, he came up with that himself. Tell them, Chandler. Chandler: I’m out of words. Should I just say the whole thing again? Monica: Look, I am not high maintenance. I am not. Chandler! Chandler: You’re a little high maintenance. Monica: Ahhh! You are on my list. Chandler: I’m sorry. You’re not easy-going, but you’re passionate, and that’s good. And when you get upset about the little things, I think that I’m pretty good about making you feel better about that. And that’s good too. So, they can say that you’re high maintenance, but it’s okay, because I like … maintaining you. Monica: . All right you’re off my list. Chandler: Monica: Phoebe, it’s okay that you don’t want me to be your girlfriend because I have the best boyfriend. Phoebe: Y’know, suddenly I find you very attractive. Chandler: Hey, buddy boy, how’d the audition go? Joey: Not good, no. I didn’t get the part, and I lost my job here, so … Phoebe: Wow! That is a bad audition. Rachel: How-how did you lose your job here? Joey: Well, I had the audition but Gunther said I had to stay here and be in charge so he could go get his hair dyed. So, I went anyway, and then he fired me. Rachel: He left work in the middle of the day to do a personal errand and left you in charge when you’ve been working here two days? That’s not, that’s not right. Joey: Yeah, what are ya gonna do? Rachel: Joey, you can’t let him get away with that. Ya know what, I’m not going to let him get away with that. I’m going to say something to him—No, I really shouldn’t say anything—No, I should say something to him. Gunther, I want you to give Joey his job back. That is really not fair that you have to fire him… Gunther: Okay. Rachel: What? Gunther: He can have his job back. Rachel: That’s right, he can have his job back. I’m glad we got that all straightened out. There you go, Joey, you got your job back. Joey: That’s great. Thanks Rach. Rachel: Yeah, pretty nice, huh? Now who’s a pushover? Phoebe: Rach, you’re in my seat. Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry. Ending Credits Phoebe: Hey, I never got to hear who you guys would pick to be your girlfriend. Monica: I pick you, Phoebe. Rachel: Oh, yeah. Definitely you, Pheebs. Phoebe: Yeah, well, I kinda thought. Chandler: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Oh, I have a question. If-if-if one of you had to pick one of the other two guys to go out with, who would you pick? Ross: No way. Joey: I’m not answering that. Chandler: Joey! No way. I’m not answering that. End Teleplay by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer Story by: Seth Kurland Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Joey: Okay Rach, that muffin and espresso, $4.50. Ross, double latte, $2.75. Chandler, coffee and a scone, $4.25. And Pheebs, herbal tea, $1.25. So, all together that’s $12.75. Chandler: This coming from the man who couldn’t split our 80 dollar phone bill in half. Woman: Hi! Joey: Hi! Woman: How much do I owe you for the muffin and the latte? Joey: Oh that’s on the house courtesy of Joey Tribbiani. Woman: Oh great! Well, tell him thanks. And since uh, Joey seems like such a nice guy, maybe we could go on a date sometime? Joey: Well, he’s not used to women being so forward with him; but uh, I good check with him—He says it’s okay. Great! Thanks! Bye-bye! Ross: Hey Joey, how come our stuff isn’t free? Joey: It will be when you look like that in a tight skirt! This is great! I’m getting more dates than ever! Rachel: Wait a minute, you’re only giving free stuff away to the pretty girls? Phoebe: Yeah Joey that is so gross! Joey: How about a scone on the house baby? Phoebe: I’m pretty. Opening Credits Ross: Hey does anyone have any gum? Phoebe: Oh I do! I know it’s in here somewhere. Ross: Y’know what? I’m good! I’m good! Monica: Hey! Ross: Hey! Chandler: Hey, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at work? Monica: Ugh, they sent me home. They said I can’t work if I’m sick. All: Ohh! Chandler: I’m so sorry you’re sick. Monica: I’m not sick!! I don’t get sick! Getting sick is for weaklings and for pansies! Rachel: Honey, no one thinks you’re a pansy, but we do think you need a tissue. Monica: Chandler: I’m gonna grab you some tissue. Monica: I don’t need a tissue! I’m fine-d! Ross: When you put a ‘D’ at the end of ‘Fine’ you’re not fine. Monica: I’m fine-d. I’m fine-d! Y’know, it’s a really hard word to say. Chandler: Yes? Woman: Hi, is Rachel here? I’m her sister. Rachel: Oh my God, Jill! Jill: Oh my God, Rachel! Chandler: Oh my God, introduce us! Rachel: This is Chandler. Jill: Hi! Rachel: And you know Monica and Ross! Ross: Hi Jill. Rachel: And that’s Phoebe , and that’s Joey. Joey: Hey, how you doin’? Rachel: Don’t!! Honey, what are you doing here?! Phoebe: Which-which sister is this? Is this the spoiled one or that’s bitter? Jill: Daddy cut me off. Phoebe: Never mind, I got it. Jill: And y’know what I said to him? "I’m gonna hire a lawyer and I’m gonna sue you and take all your money. Then I’m gonna cut you off!" Rachel: Wow! What did he say? Jill: That he wouldn’t pay for my lawyer! Then he told me to come here and learn about the value of money from the one daughter he’s actually proud off. Rachel: Oh! Did you hear that?! My dad’s proud of me! My dad’s proud of me. Monica: Rach? Rachel: Oh yeah, sorry. Wait honey, so what did you do that made dad cut you off? Jill: Okay, I bought a boat. Monica: You bought a boat? Jill: Yeah but it wasn’t for me, it was for a friend. Chandler: Boy did we make friends with the wrong sister! Rachel: Jill, honey, I think this is the best thing that could’ve ever happened to you. I mean you needed to get out on your own anyway! And you know when I did it, I-I-I at first I was scared, and look at me now! I’m the only daughter dad is proud of! Okay, well this is, this is what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna get a job, you’re gonna get an apartment, and then I’ll help you and you can stay with us. Right Pheebs, she can stay with us? Phoebe: Of course, yeah! Jill: Oh, that’s so great! Okay, I’m really gonna do this! I don’t know how to thank you guys. Phoebe: Ooh, I like cards. Joey: Are you all finished here? Customer: Yes. Joey: Great! Gunther: Okay, here are the tips for this morning. Jen gets 50, 50 for me, and Joey owes eight dollars. Joey: What?! Gunther: For all the free food you gave away. Joey: Well if it’s free food, how come you’re charging me for it? Gunther: We don’t give anything away unless it’s someone’s birthday. Joey: Well, what if they came in third in a modeling contest? Gunther: No! Joey: Jill: Ross: Jill, how did you pay for all this? I thought your dad took away your credit card. Jill: Oh please, I memorized those numbers when I was 15. But look at all the cool make-it-on-my-own stuff I got! And these are my, "Don’t you want to rent me this apartment?" pants. Ross: I don’t think charging new clothes too your dad qualifies as making it on your own. Jill: Oh, Mr. Scientist has to get all technical! Phoebe: Seriously, I don’t Rachel’s gonna think it’s a good idea. Jill: So who made her queen of the world? Phoebe: I would love that job! Rachel: Hey! What’s goin’ on? Jill: Hey! Rachel: Jill! Did you shop?! Jill: No! They did! Phoebe and Ross: Yeah, we went shopping! Rachel: You went shopping?! What, and then you just came in here and paraded it right under Jill’s nose when you know she’s trying to quit. Wow, you guys are terrible! Phoebe: Sorry Jill. Ross: Sorry-sorry Jill. Rachel: What’d you get? Phoebe: Oh well, all right, I got Rachel: Oh. Phoebe: And, and then I got uh, these are apartment pants. Rachel: Apartment pants? Phoebe: Yeah, you never heard of them? Rachel: No, of course, of course I’ve heard of them! Ross, what did you get? Ross: Huh? Oh, I got this——this! Rachel: A pajmena? Ross: Yeah! Oh, I-I love this babies! Rachel: Really? Ross: Ross, wants a pajmena? Ross: It’s a rug. Rachel: Jill? Jill: I’m sorry Rachel, I’m sorry… Rachel: Oh, come on! You think that’s gonna work on me?! I invented that! Jill: Right! But, I am sorry. Rachel: All right, it’s okay. One little setback is okay, just don’t let it happen again, all right? Now since daddy paid for all this stuff, I should take it all away. But I’m just gonna take the-the pajmena. Jill: She took all my stuff. Ross: Yeah. Everything but, the little blue one. Jill: thank you so much! Ross: Well. Hey… Jill: Oh my gosh, that was so lame. Like a pajmena could be a rug! Ross: Oh yeah, how about you and the, "I’m sorry!" Jill: Shut up! I did not sound like that at all! Phoebe: What about, what about when I said y’know about the apartment pants, how dumb was I? Jill: Were you this cute in high school? Ross: Oh stop. Jill: No you stop! Ross: No, you stop! Jill: You stop! Phoebe: Okay-okay, why don’t I sit here and you’ll both stop it! Monica: Okay, so what do you, what do you want to do? Let’s do something crazy! Chandler: I know, let’s rest and drink lots of fluids. Monica: Okay, I’ll rest. But y’know if I’m going to bed, then you’re coming with me. Chandler: That would be impossible to resist if you weren’t all drippy here. Monica: Chandler: Yeah, I don’t you should say that even when you’re healthy. Monica: Chandler: Don’t take this personally okay? It’s just that I just can’t have sex with a sick person. Monica: I’m with you Chandler! I mean I can’t have sex with a sick person either, that’s disgusting! But I’m not sick! Let me prove it to you. We are two healthy people in the pribe of libe. Chandler: That’s the thing, see I would like to stay in the pribe of mwha-ah-libe. Rachel: Hey! Phoebe: Hey. Rachel: What’s up?! Phoebe: Umm, I think there’s something you should maybe know. Rachel: Well, it’d better not be about the apartment pants, because I just pitched the idea to my boss at Ralph Lauren and she loved it. Phoebe: No. No. It’s just I was umm, I was with Ross and Jill after you left and umm, I’m pretty sure I saw a little spark between them. Rachel: What?! Phoebe: Yeah I mean it’s probably nothing, but I just wanted to warn you that there might be something there. Rachel: With Ross and Jill? Phoebe: Yeah! Rachel: With Ross and my sister? Phoebe: Yeah. Rachel: With my sister Jill and my ex-boyfriend Ross? Phoebe: Yeah. Rachel: Oh there is no way. Phoebe: Okay then. Rachel: Oh my God! I can not believe that! I mean I don’t really like it when Ross goes out with anyone, but my sister isn’t that like incest or something?! Oh my God, and they’re gonna have sex! Oh! Oh no what if he marries her too?! Oh this is just terrible, this is just terrible. And I can’t stop it! I can’t—I don’t own Ross! Y’know? And Jill, she should be able to do whatever it is that she wants to do! And oh my God, I can’t believe Ross is marrying my little sister, this terrible. Oh my God, this is just the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. Phoebe: But great news about the apartment pants, huh? Joey: That’ll be $3.85. Woman: What do you mean? Yesterday you said I was too pretty to pay for stuff! Joey: It’s just I can’t because my manager said I… "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Annie… Woman: Amy! Joey: "…Amy! Happy birthday to you!" A Male Customer: Hey, that’s weird, today’s my birthday too! Joey: Yeah, not it here it isn’t. Jill: Sorry I’m late, what’s up? Rachel: Oh hi! Y’know, I just wanted to see if there were any leads on the old job front. Jill: Oh no! But I just walked past three sales and I didn’t go in. How strong am I? Rachel: That is great. Hey, y’know who doesn’t have to job hunt? Ross. He works at the university. Jill: Yeah. Rachel: Oh so you know that, you guys talked about that, so you get along, so you think you’re gonna go out? Jill: Me go out with Ross?! No! God no! What would make you think that? Rachel: I just, Phoebe, said y’know thought she saw something between you guys. Jill: No! I mean he’s nice. Rachel: Yeah. Jill: He’s the kind of guy you’re friends with, y’know? But he’s not the kind of guy you date. He’s the kind of guy you’d date because you did. Me, not so much. Rachel: Oh not-not so much. Umm, what-what do you, what do you mean is there something wrong with Ross? Jill: Oh no-no-no, he’s just I don’t know, he’s just a little bookish. Rachel: Are-are you saying he’s a geek? Jill: You think so too? Rachel: No! No I, no Ross is not a geek! Jill: Fine, then let’s just say he’s not my type. Rachel: What handsome is not your type? Smart? Kind? Good kisser? What those things aren’t on your list? Ross is a great guy! You would be lucky to be with him! Jill: Well okay, if it means that much to you, then I’ll ask him out. Rachel: Oh no-no-no, no-no-no, that’s not what I meant. Jill: No! Y’know what Rachel? You’re right, y’know he has been really nice to me. Rachel: Yeah but, he’s not your type. Jill: Yeah but maybe that’s a good thing. Y’know I’m doing all these different sorts of things, and maybe I should try dating a geek too! Rachel: Yeah but, you don’t, you don’t, you don’t want to try to much too fast. Y’know? I mean, you do remember what happened to the little girl that tried to much too fast don’t you? Jill: What? Rachel: She-she died Jill. Commercial Break Monica: Chandler! Chandler: Oh what is it honey, you need some tea? Some soup? Oh-ohhhh! Monica: Calling Dr. Big, Dr. Big to the bed. Chandler: Oh Jeez honey, I thought, I thought you were asleep. Monica: How could I be asleep knowing that you were in the next room. Chandler: I was asleep. Oh no! No-no honey! Y’know what’s sexy? Layers. Layers are sexy. And blankets are sexy. And oh! Hot water bottles are sexy. Monica: Come on, get into bed! I want to prove to you that I’m not sick! I wanna make you feel, as good as I feel. Chandler: Would you please get some rest! Monica: I’m fine. Joey: "Happy birthday to you!" Gunther: You’re paying for that. Joey: What? No-no it’s her birthday! Gunther: You’ve sung Happy Birthday to 20 different women today! Joey: But it really… Gunther: You are no longer authorized to distribute birthday muffins. Joey: Damnit! Ross: Rach? Hi! Rachel: Hi! Ross: Did you tell your sister to ask me out? Rachel: Well yeah… Ross: Oh wow! I mean, wow! I mean, I-I-I think she’s cute but I-I would never have thought of going out with her, never! Rachel: Really?! Ross: Yeah but after you said it was okay, I figured, "Why not?!" Rachel: Oh so-so not really never. Ross: I have to say you are a much bigger person than I am. I mean after all we’ve been through, I just—y’know I wish I had a brother to reciprocate. Hey, if you ever want to go out with Monica, you have my blessing. Joey: Oh-ho, and mine! Monica: Chandler, I think I’m sick. Chandler: Really? Struck down in the pribe of libe! Monica: Okay, fine I admit it! I feel terrible! Would you please rub this on my chest? Chandler: No-no-no-no-no-no-no, you are not getting me this way. Monica: Come on! I really need your help! Chandler: No-no-no-no-no! Monica: Fine, I’ll rub it on myself. Chandler: Okay. Chandler: So you’re just, kinda rubbing it on yourself? Monica: Yeah? Chandler: It’s nice. Monica: Are you kidding me?! Is this; is this turning you on? Chandler: Yes! Monica: I can’t believe it! What is it? Is it the rubbing or the smell? Chandler: It’s all very, very good. So you wanna go uh, mix it up? Monica: Not now, I’m sick! Chandler: Oh come on you big faker! Monica: What happened to your rule about never sleeping with sick people? Chandler: Well that was before all the vaporizing action. Monica: Okay, if you really wanna have sex… Chandler: Okay! Monica: Worked like a charm. Jill: Hi! Rachel: Hi! Wh-what are you doing here? Jill: This is where Ross and I are meeting for our date. So, what do you think? Rachel: Well, I-I don’t like it. Jill: Really?! Rachel: It’s kinda slutty. Jill: It’s yours! Rachel: Yeah well, I’m-I’m a slut. Jill: Me too. Ross: Hi Jill! Jill: Hey! Ross: Hi . Rachel: Rachel. Ross: Rachel! Well, you-you’re not at home, you’re-you’re-you’re right here. Rachel: Yeah I know, and I bet you thought it would be weird. But it’s not! Ross: Okay. So well I’ll umm, I’ll have her home by midnight. Rachel: Why aren’t you home yet?! Monica: Is someone there? Rachel: Oh yes, it’s me! Sorry! Chandler: What are you doing here? Rachel: Uh, I’m just, I’m just looking out your window. At-at the view. What are you guys doing? Chandler: We got some Vap-O-Rub in some places. Rachel: Oh, he brought her back to his apartment. Monica: Is that your sister? Rachel: Ugh, she is a slut! Monica: God, Ross is on a date with your sister! How weird is that?! Rachel: Oh my God, look-look he’s taking off her clothes! Chandler: He’s taking off her coat! Rachel: Oh, this is just terrible. Monica: Oh no it’s not, no it’s not. It’s a first date. I’m sure that nothing is gonna… Rachel: Oh. Chandler: Ho-oh, he’s gonna get some! To Be Continued Ending Credits End Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Joey: Oh, uh, hey Rach. I uh, I was just coming over here to uh… Oh wait, I don’t have to lie to you, you don’t live here anymore. Uh, I’m eating their food. What are you doing? Rachel: Ross is on a date with my sister and they shut the drapes two and a-half-hours ago. Joey: Whoa, I didn’t know we could date your sister! Monica: Joey we know you steal our food. Chandler: I’m good. Monica: Oh, are the drapes still closed hon? Rachel: Yeah. And y’know who should’ve shut their drapes? Is that perverted old couple two doors over. Chandler: Is that a swing? Rachel: Oh don’t even ask! Chandler: Yuck! Joey: I can’t believe Ross went out with Rachel’s sister! When Chandler made out with my sister I was mad at him for 10 years. Chandler: That was like 5 years ago. Joey: Yeah you got 5 years left! Chandler: Joey… Joey: You wanna make it 6?! Opening Credits Rachel: Oh Ross, hi! Hey, how are ya? There you are! Ross: Hey! Rachel: So how was your big date last night? Ross: Uhh, it was okay. Yeah, it was fun. Rachel: Yeah fun? Great! So uh, so did you guys hit it off? Ross: I guess so. Rachel: So uh, so did anything happen? Because rumor has it you guys shut the drapes! Ross: No. No. Nothing happened. I shut the drapes to uh, show her slides of my favorite fossils. Rachel: Oh, slides. So really nothing happened. Ross: Something could’ve happened. All right? She-she really dug my slides. And-and she was definitely giving me the vibe. Rachel: Right. Was it the, "Please don’t show me another picture of a trilobite vibe?" Ross: Anyway, if she, if she wasn’t in to me, why-why would she ask me out again? Rachel: She asked-asked you out again? Ross: Yeah-uh-huh. Tomorrow night, Valentine’s Day, the most romantic day of the year. Who knows what could happen? I might not be shutting my drapes to show her my slides, if you know what I mean. Rachel: Okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay! I got it! I got it! I got it! I can’t! I can’t! I can’t! I cannot go with you and my sister thing. Okay? I just can’t. It’s just too weird, all right? I imagine the two of you together and I freak out. It freaks me out. I can’t do it! I can’t do it. Ross: It’s okay. Hey, it’s too weird for you, I won’t see her again. Rachel: Thank you. I…yeah. Ross: I mean after tomorrow night. Rachel: No-no-no! No-no-no! Please Ross, I can’t! I can’t do it! It’s just gonna freak me out!!! Ross: Okay! Okay! Ooh-hey-hey-hey! Okay! Okay! Okay! I’ll-I’ll tell her tonight I can’t see her anymore. Rachel: Ross thanks. Ross: You want me to call her right now? Rachel: Oh no! No! No-no-no-no! No, I mean come on that’s-that’s crazy—I mean that’s crazy. So what’s-what’s going on with you? What is going on with you? Ross: Well umm, oh! I might be teaching another class this semester! Rachel: Yeah do it now, call right now. Monica: This is my favorite part. Phoebe: Yeah me too. Phoebe: Oh y’know what’s sadder than this? Bambi. I cried for three days with that movie. No wait two! Because on the third day my mother killed herself so I was partly crying for that. Chandler: Well see now that I can see crying over, but Bambi is a cartoon! Joey: You didn’t cry when Bambi’s mother died? Chandler: Yes it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer! Monica: Chandler there’s nothing wrong with crying! I mean you don’t have to be so macho all the time. Chandler: I’m not macho. Monica: Yeah you’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking. Chandler: No, I guess I just never really cried. Y’know? I’m not a crying kind of guy. Joey: Come on man there’s gotta be something that gets you choked up! Like uh, uh oh, what if you saw a three-legged puppy? Chandler: I’d be sad sure, but I wouldn’t cry. Joey: Okay, what if the puppy said, "Help me Chandler. All the other puppies pick on me." Chandler: Cry?! I just found a talking puppy, I’m rich! Monica: Oh, I’ve got it! I have got it! Pictures from your childhood. This will get you going good! Phoebe: All right, what’s going on there? Chandler: Oh, that’s Parent’s Day, first grade. That’s me with the janitor Martin. Monica: Where were your parents? Chandler: Oh they didn’t want to come! Phoebe: Oh Chandler! Monica: Poor thing! Phoebe: So that story doesn’t make you cry? Chandler: No! Look, I don’t cry! It’s not a big deal! Okay?! Joey: No! It’s not okay! It’s not okay at all!! You’re dead inside!! The Fan: Excuse me. Phoebe: Yeah? The Fan: Are you Phoebe Buffay? Phoebe: Yeah. The Fan: Can-can I get your autograph, I’m your biggest fan. Phoebe: Oh you’re my biggest fan? I’ve always wanted to meet you! Hi! The Fan: Wow! Wow, thanks a lot! I just wanna say, I think you’re really talented. Phoebe: You’re just saying that because you’re my biggest fan. Joey: So, you saw me on Days Of Our Lives huh? Want me to, want me to do a little Dr. Drake Remoray for ya? The Fan: I have no idea what you’re talking about. But I, but I just got Phoebe Buffay’s autograph! Joey: Oh, you’re Phoebe’s fan! The Fan: Oh yeah! I’ve seen all her movies. Joey: Movies? The Fan: That was Phoebe Buffay, the porn star. Joey: I don’t think so. The Fan: No-no, it was! She was in Sex Toy Story 2, Lawrence of Alabia, and I got her autograph! The guys at the comic book store aren’t gonna believe this! Joey: Hey Gunther, don’t let that guy in here anymore! He just said Phoebe’s a porn star! Gunther: Well, I wouldn’t call her a star, but she’s really good. You should check out Inspecther Gadget. Jill: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Jill: You’ll never believe what just happened, Ross just totally blew me off and he didn’t even tell me why! Rachel: Ohhh well. Y’know what honey? The best thing to do to get over a guy is to start dating someone else. Oh! There is this great guy you will love at work named Bob! He’s a real up-and-comer in Human Resources. Jill: Y’know, thanks for trying to cheer me up, but I’m not gonna date some random guy from your work. Rachel: It’s not random, it’s Bob. Jill: It’s probably because not mature enough. Or smart enough. Maybe he doesn’t like the way I dress—No that can’t be it. It’s really gotta be the smart thing. Oh I’m so stupid! I’m just like this incredibly pretty stupid girl! Rachel: No honey, okay, okay, you wanna know why Ross canceled the date? Because I asked him to. Jill: You asked him too?! Rachel: Hm-mmm. Jill: Why?! Rachel: Because you are my sister and Ross and I have this huge history… Jill: I don’t understand, do you want to go out with Ross? Rachel: No. Jill: You don’t want him, but you don’t want me to have him? Rachel: Y’know Bob in Human Resources… Jill: Ugh! I cannot believe you did this too me! You had me doubting how smart I was! You had me doubting my fashion sense! Rachel: Look, this is not that big of a deal! You just don’t date Ross! There’s a million other guys out there, you just… Jill: Hey! You have no right to tell me what to do. Rachel: I’m not telling you what to do! I am telling you what not to do! Jill: Why are you so jealous of me? Rachel: Jill this is not about me being jealous of you! This is about you being a brat! Wanting what you can’t have! Jill: Can’t have?! Excuse me, the only thing I can’t have is dairy! Rachel: All right, all right, well you just blew your chances at dating Bob! Jill: Who?! Rachel: In Human Resources!!!!!! Rachel: …I am jealous of her?! I mean who does she think she is?! Princess Caroline?! Monica: You’re jealous of Princess Caroline? Rachel: Do I have my own castle? Ross: Hey! Uh, Phoebe’s not here is she? Rachel: No. Monica: Oh great! Did you get a movie? Joey: Uhhh, yeah. Yeah. But uh, I don’t think it’s the kind you’re gonna like. Chandler: You didn’t get more movies that are gonna have us reaching for the tissues all night did you? Joey: Sort of… Monica: Guys, what’s going on? Joey: Phoebe’s a porn star! All: What?!! Chandler: Phoebe Buffay in Buffay: The Vampire Layer. Rachel: Oh my God! Monica: That’s Phoebe! Where did you get that? Joey: Well down at the adult video place down on Bleaker. Ross: And-and I, and I saw that Joey was about to go in, so I ran in ahead of him to-to surprise him and, and then I pretended I didn’t know he was in there. Rachel: Wow! I mean, I just—I can’t, I can’t believe this. Y’know, I mean you think you know someone even, even Phoebe who’s always been somewhat of a question mark. Monica: This is so bizarre. I guess it kinda makes sense though, y’know she had such a terrible childhood. Chandler: Hey, I had a terrible childhood and I don’t do porn. Monica: Yes, but you are dead inside. Joey: All right well, I’d better take that back. Monica: Wh-what, why? Joey: We can’t watch that! I mean that’s Phoebe! Monica: Yeah you’re right, we can’t—we shouldn’t watch this. Rachel: Absolutely not. Monica: Y’know maybe a little bit! Rachel: Probably just the first half. Joey: No! Hey no! This is wrong you guys! Phoebe’s our friend! Well, I’m not gonna watch it! Ross: Yeah! Good for you Joe! Joey: Yeah. (The movie starts, it’s a vampire’s lair and Buffay, The Vampire Layer enters dressed in leather and carrying a wooden stake. Suddenly, the vampire opens his coffin and sits up. Buffay, the Vampire Layer: Ah, I thought I’d find you here, Nasforatool. The Vampire: Buffay, are you going to plunge your stake into my dark places? Buffay, the Vampire Layer: Actually, I was kinda hoping it would be the other way around. Monica: Hold on a second! What is that on her ankle? Chandler: Her ankle is what you’re watching? Rachel: Well it’s hard to tell… Oh God, if she would just stop moving. Chandler: She’s just doing her job! Joey: You sick bastards! Rachel: Oh, it’s a tattoo! That’s weird, Phoebe doesn’t… Wait that’s Ursula! That’s not Phoebe that is Ursula! Joey: Re! Re! Then I can watch that! Rewind it! Rewind it! Phoebe: Oh my God! What am I doing?!! Commercial Break Monica: Hey sweetie! Chandler: Hey! Monica: Chicken Soup for the Soul? Chandler: There’s no back to this couch! Monica: Why are you reading this? You hate this kind of stuff. Chandler: Yeah I know, but I figured a shot y’know? Maybe one of those stories would make me cry and then you wouldn’t think I was y’know, all dead inside. Monica: Oh that’s so sweet! Look Chandler I don’t care if you can’t cry, I love you. Chandler: Oh that makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest. Monica: Stop it! Chandler: No, I mean, come on, seriously think about it, we get married, we’re up at the altar and I’m like this. Monica: I won’t care, because I know you will be feeling it all in here. Chandler: Yeah? Monica: Yeah! And if, and if we have a baby one-day, and the doctor hands it to you in the delivery room and you don’t cry, so what! And-and-and, and if we take him to college and come home and see his empty room for the first time, and you got nothing, it won’t matter to me. Chandler: Okay, well I won’t uh, worry about this anymore then. Monica: And-and-and if I die, from a long illness. And you’re writing out my eulogy and you open a desk drawer and you find a note from me that says, "I will always be with you," and you still can’t shed one tiny tear, I know you’ll be crying a river inside. Chandler: Aww, I love you so… Monica: What is wrong with you?!!! Chandler: What?! Monica: What?! You can’t shed a tear for your dead wife!! Now, I left you a note from the beyond! Chandler: So you didn’t mean any of that?! Monica: No you robot!! Ross: You damn kids! You ring my bell one more time, I swear to… Uhh what’s-what’s-what’s the matter? Jill: Rachel and I had a really big fight, can I come in? I-I mean I know we’re not supposed to see each other anymore and I’m okay with that, it’s just that I don’t know anybody in the city and I really need somebody to talk to about it. Ross: Of course, what happened? Jill: I don’t want to talk about it. Ross: Okay, umm… Jill: But you know what might really cheer me up? Ross: What? Jill: Seeing some more of your super-cool slides. Ross: Wow! Really?! Jill: Totally, I love them! And, maybe you could finish telling me about all the different kinds of sand. Ross: Well, I’d love to! Here, you wait right here and I’ll go get the projector and my notes! Jill: Oh great! Thanks Ross, you’re such a good friend! Ross: Ohh! (He goes into another room to get his projector and notes. While he’s gone, Jill quickly checks her makeup. Rachel: Hey! Have you guys seen Jill? I can’t find her anywhere. Monica: No, I haven’t. Rachel: Well, is Ross home? Maybe I’ll just call him to see if he’s actually seen her. Ursula: Who is it? Phoebe: It’s Phoebe! Phoebe! Ursula: Hey! Phoebe: Oh God. So-so you’re making porn movies. Ursula: No I’m not. Man’s Voice: We’re still rolling! Phoebe: You’re making one right now! Another Man’s Voice: Let’s go Phoebe! Phoebe: And-and you’re using my name! Ursula: Yeah, can I help you with something? Same Man’s Voice: Phoebe, come on! Phoebe: Look, I’m talking right now! You’re—you mean her. Ursula: Y’know, twin stuff is always a real big seller. Phoebe: What?! Ursula: Yeah, I can talk them into giving you like, 30 dollars. Phoebe: No!! No way! No! And stop using my name! And shame on you! Ross: Slides are almost ready. Jill: Yeah. Ooh, I know what this is missing! Alcohol! Ross: Uh okay, well there’s-there’s wine in the kitchen. Jill: Oh great! Ross: Hello? Rachel: What is my sister doing there?! And why are the drapes shut?! Ross: O-okay, Rach calm-calm down, okay? She-she’s really upset we’re just talking. Rachel: Ross! I think she is trying to make something happen with you to get back at me! Ross: So that’s the only reason she could be here huh? It couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that-that maybe I’m a good listener and I uh I put on a great slide show! Rachel: Ross, I am telling you that she is using you to get back at me! Ross: Y’know what? I think I can take care of myself, I’ll talk to you later. Good-bye. Whoa! Uh, that was your sister actually. She-she thinks that you’re just using me. Jill: So? Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Hey! Phoebe: So, I just came from the company Ursula works for. Joey: Oh no, not you too! Phoebe: No! No! I just went to pick up Phoebe Buffay’s checks; there were a lot of them. Joey: Nice! Phoebe: Um-mmm, and I won’t have to go there anymore because I gave them my correct address. Joey: That’s great, but isn’t it gonna bother that people still think you’re a porn star? Phoebe: Oh no! No! I know how to handle it. Joey: You do? Phoebe: Yeah. See? Joey: Yeah. Chandler: Hey. Ross: You uh, you may have been right about Jill. Rachel: Oh! I knew it! What happened? Ross: Umm, she kissed me. Rachel: What?! You kissed! Chandler: Maybe we should give them some privacy. Monica: Shhhh!!! Ross: Look, I uh, I tried not to kiss her, okay? Rachel: Well, it doesn’t sound like it! I mean, it’s pretty easy not to kiss someone, you just don’t kiss them! See look at us, right now, not kissing! Ross: Let me finish, okay? She started kissing me and-and I didn’t stop it. I guess I-I just wasn’t thinking… Rachel: Yeah that’s right you weren’t thinking! Y’know what? Let me give you something to think about! Ross: Oh wait—hold it! But then I started thinking and I stopped the kissing. Rachel: Oh, well thank you for taking your tongue out of my sister’s mouth long enough to tell me that. Ross: Look I-I realize if anything were to happen with me and Jill then nothing could ever happen with us! Rachel: What?! Ross: No, I mean, look I don’t know if anything is going to happen with us, again. Ever. But I don’t want to know that it-it never could. So I stopped it and she got mad and broke my projector. Rachel: Wow. I, I don’t even know what to say. Thank you. Ross: You’re welcome. Monica: Oh my God! Are-are you crying? Chandler: I just don’t see why those two can’t work things out! Ending Credits Jill: All right, I’m leaving! Because I’m not going to spend one more day with someone whose out to sabotage my every move. That’s you Rachel! Rachel: Yeah, I got that. Jill: And you! I throw myself at you and you say no, how gay are you? Ross: You take care Jill. Jill: Rachel: Bye-bye-e! Monica: Bye. Chandler: I can’t help it, I opened a gate. End Teleplay by: Adam Chase Story by: Zachary Rosenblatt Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Ross: Hey, remember when I had a monkey? Chandler: Yeah. Ross: Yeah, what, what was I thinking? Joey: Hey! So, what’s with the 20 percent tip? Did I do something wrong? Chandler: Twenty percent is a pretty generous tip Joe. Joey: Y’know what’s more generous than that?! Fifty percent! Y’know what’s even more generous than that?!! Chandler: I see where you’re goin’! Ross: What’s up with the greed Joe? Joey: All right, look I’m sorry you guys, but it’s just that I gotta get these new head shots made. And they’re really expensive, y’know? I’m down to like three! Well, actually two ‘cause one of ‘em I kinda blackened in some teeth—Why did I do that?! Ross: Well isn’t there something you can do to earn a little extra money? I mean, can’t-can’t you pick up, I don’t know, an extra shift here? Phoebe: Or, y’know, I used to beg for money. Of course it helps if you’ve got y’know a little of this goin’ on. Wow! I still have it! Ross: Oh, wait! Wait! Don’t you have an audition today? Yeah! Maybe you’ll get that job! Joey: Oh, ha-ha-ha! Ooh! Wait a minute, I used to get medical experiments down on me all the time! Chandler: Ah, finally an explanation. Joey: No-no! I used to get paid for all kinds of medical stuff, remember? Let’s see uh, well I don’t want to donate sperm again. Ooh-ooh, maybe they want like some of my blood or-or spit or something, huh? Gunther: Joey! Joey: Yeah? Gunther: What did I tell you about talking to your friends while you’re working? Joey: Uhh do it? Gunther: That guy Joey: Well, where was I? Opening Credits Ross: Hi! Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Hey, what have you guys been up to? Phoebe: Ohh! We went to a self-defense class today! Ross: Wow! Rachel: Yeah, kicking a guy in the crotch all morning really takes it out of ya! Joey: Takes it out of you? Phoebe: Now, we can kick anybody’s ass! Rachel: Yeah! Ross: After one class? I don’t think so. Rachel: What? You wanna see me self-defend myself?! Go over there and pretend you’re a sexual predator! Go on! I dare ya!! Ross: Well, of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming, that’s not enough. Look, I studying kara-tay for a long time, and there’s a concept you should really be familiar with. It’s what the Japanese call unagi. Rachel: Isn’t that a kind of sushi? Ross: No, it’s a concept! Phoebe: Yeah it is! It is! It’s freshwater eel! Ross: All right, maybe it means that too… Rachel: Ohh! I would kill for a salmon skin roll right now! Ross: Y’know what? Fine! Get attacked! I don’t even care! Phoebe: Come on Ross. We’re sorry. Please tell us what it is. Ross: Unagi is a state of total awareness. Okay? Only by achieving true unagi can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you! Phoebe: You mean in case someone is trying to steal your bamboo sleeping mat or your kettle of fish? Ross: surprise!! Ross: All right, you know that one was coming, but that doesn’t mean you have unagi. Rachel: Ooh! Y’know what? If we made reservations, we could have unagi in about a half-hour. Ross: Y’know what… Chandler: Hey-hey, is Monica here? Phoebe: No. Ross: No. Chandler: Okay, look I need your help, I don’t know what to get her for Valentine’s Day. Rachel: Well, Valentine’s Day was like two weeks ago, so I wouldn’t get her a calendar! Chandler: She was working on Valentine’s Day so we’re celebrating it tonight. Joey: Ohh, hey! Why don’t you book a date for both of you at one of those romantic spas? Phoebe: Ooh, Joey, that’s actually a really good idea! Joey: And of course, crotchless panties. Chandler: Well appealing as that does sound to her boyfriend I can’t do that we promised we’d make each other gifts this year. Rachel: Aw, I love that. Phoebe: You guys! Joey: You can’t make crotchless panties? You take, you take a pair of scissors and you just cut… Rachel: Okay-okay-okay! So, making things. That sounds like so much fun. Chandler: Yeah, I thought so to until I paper mached one of my eyes shut. Phoebe: Oh, I love paper mache! What did you make? Chandler: I made a… Phoebe: What is that? Chandler: Nothing! Ross: So what are you gonna do? Chandler: Well, have you guys made anything that maybe I can take credit for? Phoebe: Ohh! I have! I have! I started making these little sock bunnies! Oh for crying out loud! Rachel: Hey, wait a minute! That is my sock! Phoebe: Now, it’s you little bunny friend. Chandler: Monica: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Honey, can I ask you a question about the Valentine’s Day gifts? Monica: Oh, yeah. Chandler: Do we have to make the entire thing? Monica: Yes! Why, did you—you forget to make yours? Chandler: Of course, of course not. I just have to uh, go over to the place where I-I made it and pick-pick it up. Monica: Okay. I can’t believe it! Make the presents! Make the presents! Chandler: What? Monica: I’m just so excited to make the presents! Shoot! Joey: Hi uh, I’m Joey Tribbiani and with all do respect I’d like to donate some fluids. Receptionist: We’re actually at the end of one of our research cycles, so we’re not looking for applicants right now. Joey: Oh that’s too bad. I’ve kinda been saving up. Uh, are you sure there’s no studies I can participate in? Receptionist: Well, here’s a schedule of what’s coming up. Joey: Thanks. Receptionist: Oh that one is available now, but only identical twins are eligible. It’s a twins study. Joey: But it’s $2,000. Receptionist: Sorry. Joey: Well how about this one? Testing the effects of Joey Tribbiani on attractive nurse receptionists. Receptionist: We already got the results back on that on, and they’re not good. Ross: DANGER!!! DANGER!!!!! Phoebe: Ross!!! Rachel: What the hell was that?! Ross: A lesson in the importance of unagi. Phoebe: Ohh, you’re a freak!! Ross: Perhaps. Now I’m curious, at what point during those girlish screams would you have begun to kick my ass? Rachel: All right, so we weren’t prepared! Ross: I’m sorry I had to take such drastic measures to make my point, but I—look, I just want you guys to be safe. Ahhh, huh? Unagi. Joey: Chandler: Hey. Ross: Chandler. I sensed it was you. Chandler: What?! Ross: Unagi. I’m always aware. Chandler: Okay, are you aware unagi is an eel? Ross: What’s up? Chandler: I can’t figure out what to make Monica. Ross: Oh, why don’t you make her one of your little jokes. Chandler: I’m going crazy! Okay? Do you have any thing around here that looks homemade? Ross: Y’know what? She’d-she’d love this. Uh, it’s an exact replica of Apollo 8. I made it in the sixth grade. Chandler: Yeah, I guess I could use that. I could say that your love sends me to the moon. Ross: Yeah-yeah, except Apollo 8 didn’t actually land on the moon. But you-you-you could write that umm, your love lets me orbit the moon twice and return safely. Chandler: Wait a minute, I can’t give this to her. Ross: Why not? Chandler: Because it says "Captain Ross" on the side and "I hate Monica" on the bottom. Ross: Oh. Phoebe and Rachel: DANGER!!!!! Rachel: Ahhhhh, salmon skin roll. Chandler: Okay. Okay. Chandler: Hey! Hi! You uh, ready to exchange gifts? Monica: Sure! Okay, you go first. Chandler: Okay, come here! Come here. Monica: Okay! Chandler: Now, it’s not wrapped because I just, just finished it. Monica: Okay. Chandler: But I made you a tape of what I think are all romantic songs. Monica: Oh, what a great gift! Is The Way You Look Tonight on it?! Chandler: Maybe we’ll have to listen and see! Monica: Oh, I love it! Thank you so much! Chandler: Okay! Monica: Okay, you ready to open yours? Chandler: Yeah! Monica: Okay. Chandler: It’s a sock bunny. Monica: Yeah-yeah, you remember how I call you bunny? Chandler: Not really. Monica: Well, I did one time, and-and I want to start doing it more. See that’s what this is about. Chandler: I see. Y’know umm, Phoebe makes sock bunnies. Monica: No! No, she doesn’t. Uh Phoebe, what she makes—that’s uh—they’re sock rabbits. They are completely different—Okay! Okay! Okay! I didn’t make it! I’m sorry! I totally forgot about tonight and the fact that we’re supposed to make the presents! Chandler: Oh, it’s okay. I don’t… Monica: No-no, it’s not okay! It’s not! I mean you were just… You’re so incredible! You went through all this time and effort to make this tape for me! Y’know I’m just gonna—I, I am gonna make this up to you! I will! I-I am going to cook anything you want in here Chandler: Commercial Break Chandler: Wow! You are way to young to have seen that! Monica: Oops! Y’know, your birthday is in a month-and-a-half, what do you say I forget to get you a present for that too? Chandler: You are totally and completely 100% forgiven. Monica: We have got to wash that! Chandler: Yeah! Monica: Do you remember that jacket that you love so much, that you thought was too expensive? Chandler: You have done enough! Monica: I wanna wake up early and go get it for you! Chandler: No you don’t—get it in black, not brown. Monica: Oop, your cake is ready! Chandler: Oop! Chandler: Well, it’s like that old saying, have some sex, eat some cake. Joey's Look-A-Like: Hey Mon! Hey Chann! Monica: Who the hell are you?! Joey's Look-A-Like: I’m Joey! How are you doin’?! Joey: Joey: Look, I got to apologize on the behalf of Carl. Chandler: Who the hell is Carl?! Joey: Oh, did I not mention? Carl is a guy I hired to be my identical twin for a medical research project. Chandler: Y’know sometimes the good ideas are just right in front of you, aren’t they? Joey: Okay, I know it sounds crazy, but I think it might work. Y’know? The only problem is, Carl’s acting is… Monica: The only problem! Joey: Yeah, he’s the reason I didn’t get that big Minute Maid commercial a couple of years ago remember? We were supposed to be brothers, but he messed it up. Carl: Hey, uh can I get a little piece of that cake? Joey: Phoebe: Pat Sajak? Rachel: Yep! Phoebe: Alex Trebek? Rachel: Oh, of course! Phoebe: Chuck Woolery? Rachel: Definitely! Phoebe, you will not find a single game show host, who’s ass I cannot kick. Rachel: Say it! Phoebe: Say we are unagi! Ross: It’s not something you are! It’s something you have! Rachel: Say it! Ross: Y’know what? I can easily get out of this, but there is a chance you can get very, very hurt! Joey: All right Carl, we’re next. Now remember, what is not gonna be? Carl: Another Minute Maid fiasco. Joey: That’s right! And what are you not gonna do? Carl: Well, I’m not gonna talk because… Joey: The Doctor: Joey: That’s us. The Doctor: But uh, this is a study for identical twins. Joey: That’s right, $2,000. The Doctor: But, you’re not identical twins. Joey: Damnit Carl! Chandler: Oh my good God. Monica: Hey! Continuing the countdown of your favorite meals. Tonight, No. 3, macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs. Chandler: Look, you have done enough! Okay? You have to stop this now. Monica: I will! But not tonight. For dinner music, I thought we could listen to that tape you made me. Chandler: Oh, the mixed tape. Monica: The Way You Look Tonight is on here! Dance with me? Monica: You are just the sweetest. Janice: I love the way you look every night Chandler! That’s why I made you this tape! Happy Birthday! Love Janice! Chandler: No! You’re the sweetest! The Instructor: Okay ladies, that ends today’s class, and let’s remember, let’s be safe out there. Ross: It’s a great class. The Instructor: Thanks. Ross: Yeah, yeah, I was watching. Umm, hey, a couple of questions though. Umm, about that-that-that last move where the woman tripped you and then pinned you to the floor, what-what-what-what would you do next? The Instructor: Well, she would take her keys and try to jam them… Ross: No. No-no. No. What would you do next? The Instructor: Who? Me the attacker? Ross: Yes that’s right. The Instructor: Why? Ross: I tired attacking two women, did not work. The Instructor: What?! Ross: No, I mean it’s okay, I mean, they’re-they’re my friends. In fact, I-I-I was married to one of them. The Instructor: Let me get this straight man, you attacked your ex-wife?! Ross: Oh, no! No-no! No, I tired! But I couldn’t. That’s why I’m here. Maybe we could attack them together? That-that’s a no. Chandler: I am so, so, so, so sorry! Monica: Uh-huh. Chandler: And I will cook anything you want in here Monica: And, are you kiddin’ me?! Chandler: Come on Monica, it’s our Valentine’s Day. Please? Please-please, please? Monica: Okay. Chandler: Okay. Janice’s Voice: My funny valentine, sweet comic valentine! You make me high over my heart! Chandler: So, are we going in there? Monica: I am!! Janice’s Voice: Ending Credits Ross: Ah-ha, nowhere to run! Rachel: I don’t like sitting up here! I’m just gonna over… Phoebe: No Rachel! They got here first! Phoebe: Why is Ross doing that? Ross: DANGER!!!! Rachel: Oh my God! Why is he jumping on those women! Phoebe: We should help him! Rachel: I… Well, I don’t think they need any help. End Written by: Seth Kurland Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Ross: Hey! I just got uh, my teacher evaluations! Check out what this one student wrote, "I loved Dr. Geller’s class. Mind blowing lectures! Dr. Geller, you are definitely the hottie of the paleontology department!" Chandler: Ahh, Hotties of the Paleontology Department, there’s a big selling calendar, eh? Rachel: Who wrote it? Ross: Oh, I wish I knew, but the evaluations are all anonymous. Joey: Oh hey, do you still have their final exams? Ross: Yeah. Joey: Oh, ‘cause you can just match the evaluation to the exam with the same handwriting and boom, there’s your admirer. Chandler: A hot girl’s at stake and all of the sudden he’s Rain Man. Rachel: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, why are we so sure that this is a girl? Ross: It’s a girl! Anyway, it wou—it wouldn’t matter. Okay? Because I’m a teacher and she’s a student. Chandler: Oh, is that against the rules? Ross: No, but it is frowned upon. Chandler: I see. Ross: Besides, there’s a big age difference. Joey: Oh, well think of it like this, when you’re 90… Ross: I know when I’m 90 she’ll be like 80 and it won’t seem like such a big difference. Joey: No that’s not what I was going to say at all. No, what I was going to say is when you’re 90 you’ll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old. Opening Credits Joey: Hey Chandler! Y’know that girl you went to college with who-who became a movie director? Chandler: Oh yeah, Dana Keystone. She was in my Movement class. Phoebe: What’s a Movement class? Monica: It’s Chandler’s way of pretending he didn’t take mime. Joey: Oh well listen, anyway she’s directing the new Al Pacino movie. You gotta get me an audition! Chandler: Oh, I don’t know man. I haven’t talked to her in like ten years. Joey: No-no-no, please-please Chandler I-I-I would owe you so much! Chandler: You do owe me so much. You owe me three thousand, four hundred… Joey: Hey-hey dude, why are you changing the subject? Why? Will you make the call or what? Chandler: Oh okay, I’ll-I’ll try. Joey: All right! Thanks! You’re the best! Now listen, the last day of auditions is Thursday. Okay? So I gotta get in there by Thursday. Okay? Just remember Thursday. Thursday. Can you remember Thursday? Chandler: Yeah so, Tuesday? Joey: Thursday! Look if you need help remembering think of like this, the third day. All right? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when? Huh? What day? Thursday! The third day! Okay?! Chandler: Thank you. Joey: Okay. Rachel: Hey Mon? I’m gonna check my messages. Chandler: You just thought of that in there? Monica: Yeah sure, nature called, she wanted to see who else did. Rachel: Great, someone is in our apartment. Call the cops! Monica: You’re on the phone! Rachel: That was the fire department, there was a fire at our place! Phoebe: Oh my God! How bad was it? Rachel: Well, he didn’t say, but it was a fire. I’m guessing not very good. Come on, we gotta go! Monica: Come on! Chandler: What are you smiling about? What is so funny? Joey: The part I want to audition for is a fireman, this is so meant to be! Burt: Elizabeth: Professor Geller? Ross: Yeah? Elizabeth: I wanted to say how much I enjoyed your class. Ross: Oh thank you. Thanks very much. Elizabeth: Uh, I’m a little embarrassed about calling you a hottie on my evaluation… Ross: That was you? Elizabeth: Yeah. I felt a little weird about it. You’re a teacher. I’m a student. But would you maybe want to go out with me sometime? Ross: Oh I, I don’t-I don’t think that would be the best idea. Elizabeth: Oh, because I was thinking, the semester’s over; you’re not my teacher anymore. Ross: What time? Elizabeth: Oh, y’know what? Forget it, you already gave me an A. Ross: Gotcha. Elizabeth: I’m kidding! Ross: Oh! So-so seriously, what time? Phoebe: Coming through! No! Right! Coming through! Monica: Oh well, it’s not so bad. Fireman #1: Yeah, most of the damage is pretty mostly contained in the bedrooms. Phoebe: Oh! Rachel: My God! Joey: Hey buddy, do you think I can borrow your uniform this Thursday? Fireman #1: Excuse me? Monica: Joey! He’s working! You would look good in that. Joey: Oh, how bad is it? Phoebe: Oh, it’s bad. It’s really bad. The only thing in there that isn’t burned is an ass. Which I do not remember buying! Chandler: How’s your room Rach? Rachel: Everything’s ruined. My bed. My clothes. Look at my favorite blue sweater. Monica: Isn’t that mine? Rachel: Fine! I’m sorry for your loss! Fireman #1: So uh, you’re not gonna be able to live here for a while, you ladies have a place to stay? Rachel: Wow! Oh-okay, look pal, I am not in the mood to be hit on right now! But if you give me your number I will call you some other time. Monica: Yes, they can stay with us. Chandler: Have you figured out what started the fire Mr. Fireman? Fireman #1: Well uh, do either of you smoke? Phoebe: No, not usually. But yeah, I could use one right now. Fireman #1: No-no-no, do you uh light candles? Burn incense? Phoebe: Yes! I do! All the time! I love them! Oh my God! I did it! It’s me! It’s me! I burned down the house! I burned down the house! Rachel: Okay Phoebe calm down, there’s no need to place blame. Okay? I warned her about those candles. Chandler: God, it’s great to catch up! I can’t believe how long it’s been! Joey: Chandler, is that… Chandler: Oh that’s great! Good for you. Joey: Hey-hey listen… Chandler: Okay! So yeah, maybe we can get together umm… What?! Joey: When you’re off the phone, do you wanna get a pizza? Chandler: Joey: Hey listen, so when’s-when’s my audition? I mean I know it’s Thursday, but what time? Chandler: Hi. Monica: Hey! Chandler: We didn’t get to the audition. I’m gonna take her to coffee and then we’ll do it then. Joey: Ah-ha! Monica: Wow! So, now you’re going on a date with this girl? Chandler: Honey, it is not a date! I haven’t talked to her in ten years! You can’t just call up somebody you haven’t talked to in ten years and ask them for a favor. There are rules, y’know? You gotta, you got to put in some time. Monica: You’re right, I’m sorry. It’s not like you’re y’know, going out with an ex-girlfriend. Chandler: No, we only went out once. Monica: You dated her! Chandler: Not once! Monica: All right, well why don’t I go out with an ex-boyfriend and do Joey a favor?! Joey: Hey, you wanna do Joey a favor, maybe you go out with Joey. Chandler: Oh that’s great, my friend Joey’s in the movie business. Dana: Y’know who I ran into from school? Howie. Chandler: My friend’s name is Joey. Dana: Apparently Howie’s editing now. Yeah, he-he-he calls me up and asks me if he can edit my new movie. Can you believe that?! Y’know I-I-I haven’t spoken to him in like ten years and he asks me for a favor! Chandler: Yeah, I’ve always hated that Howie. Dana: No, no "How you doing?" Man, I mean not even a cup of coffee first! Chandler: The nerve huh? Dana: Yeah! Chandler: Refill? Monica: Now, this is last minute so I want to apologize for the mess. Okay? Rachel: Oh my God! It sure didn’t look this way when I lived here. Monica: I know! Now look, there’s only one problem though. There’s only room for one, so I guess one of you will have to stay at Joey’s. Phoebe: Well, since the fire was kinda my fault I guess you should get to stay here. Rachel: Hey! Hey-hey, now this was no one’s fault Pheebs. Okay? It was an accident. Phoebe: Well no, it was my fault so you should get the nice room. Rachel: Okay! Monica: So Rach! You’re the first guest at Hotel Monica! Umm, you’ll just have to tell me how you like your eggs in the morning. And I thought I would bring them to you, y’know, in bed. Oh, you have been through so much. Rachel: I have. Joey: This right here is where I keep the pizza. Phoebe: What’s that smell? Joey: I know! Elizabeth: Oh please! It was such a big class! You never even noticed me! Ross: What? Of course I did! You uh, you sat next to Sleepy Sleeperson. Elizabeth: Who? Ross: Oh uh, I had trouble remembering everyone’s name, so I-I kinda came up with nicknames. Like the guy on the other side of you was Smelly von Brownshirt. Elizabeth: Oh yeah. So umm, did you have a nickname for me? Ross: Umm, no. No. Elizabeth: Yes you did! What was it? Ross: Umm, it’s Cutie McPretty. Elizabeth: Ohh that’s so sweet! Ross: Listen, I gotta tell ya, I-I’m having a great time! Y’know how before you said it might be weird, the whole student teacher thing, and to be frank I thought it would be too, but it’s not. I mean it’s not at all. Burt: Dr. Geller! Ross: Burt! Phoebe: So did you sleep well last night? Rachel: I did. Phoebe: Yeah? Rachel: I did, Monica was so sweet she left a little mint on my pillow. Phoebe: Y’know what Joey left on my pillow? Rachel: What? Phoebe: Gum! Fireman #2: Well, we determined the cause of the fire. Phoebe: Yeah I know, it was my candle. My candle! Fireman #2: No, there was an appliance left on in the bathroom. It’s looks like a curling iron. Phoebe: I don’t use a curling iron. Fireman #2: Well someone does. Rachel: Well, don’t look at me! My hair’s straight! Straight! Straight! Straight! Fireman #2: It could’ve been a hair straightener. Rachel: Oh. Joey: This is where I keep the pizza. Commercial Break Monica: Now there you go! I wouldn’t want my best guest to strain her eyes! Phoebe: Thanks Monica! Monica: Does that smell bother you? Phoebe: What the smell from Joey’s? No, I can hardly smell it over here. Monica: Well you let me know if you can, because y’know I can bake a pie to cover it. Phoebe: I can smell it a little, bake the pie. Monica: Okay! Phoebe: Okay. Monica: Hello? It’s for you. It’s the fire inspector. Phoebe: Oh! Really?! Joey: Ross: We had such a great time! She’s-she’s incredible! I thought the-the age difference might be a problem, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t at all. Elizabeth is very mature for her age. A concept lost on some people! Monica: So it’s okay to date a student. Ross: Well, not really. I mean technically it’s-it’s not against the rules or anything, but it is frowned upon. Especially by that professor we ran into last night, Judgey von Holierthanthou. Monica: Well Ross, you be careful now. You don’t want to get a reputation as y’know Professor McNailshisstudents. Ross: Yeah. What-what should I do? Joey: Well Ross, it seems pretty clear. I mean what’s more important? What people think or how you feel, huh? Ross, you gotta follow your heart. Monica: Joey that is so sweet. Chandler: Hey. Joey: Hey-hey-hey! So, how did it go with Dana? Any reason I should leave a block of time open say Thursday? Chandler: I couldn’t do it. Joey: You couldn’t do it?! Chandler: Hey, relax I just need more time. We’re going to dinner tonight. Monica: What?! You’re going out with her again! Ross: Going out with who? Chandler: Uh, Dana Keystone from college. Ross: Oh yeah! Wasn’t she uh… Chandler: No, that was Dana Caplin. The Guys: Ohhhh! Monica: Joey! You didn’t even know her! Joey: Ah whatever! Chandler: Great story again! The yarns that you weave! Woo-hoo-hoo! Dana: Y’know uh, actually I-I-I should get going. Chandler: Oh no-no-no! Stay! Stay! Because you-you should you-you-you should stay! Dana: Wow. Oh, I am really flattered, but I just I don’t feel that way about you. Chandler: Oh no-no-no, that’s not—No-no-no! Dana: I’m sorry Chandler, y’know you are such a sweet guy and I, I don’t want to hurt you. Oh, I wish there was something I can do to make you feel better. Chandler: No-no—Really?! Dana: Of course! Chandler: Well, it just hurts so bad. I uh… Dana: Ohh, I’m sorry. Chandler: Well maybe there is one thing you can do. Dana: What?! Anything! Anything! Chandler: Well, I umm, I mean this is just off the top of my head now, umm but I have this friend. This actor friend and he would kill me if he thought I was doing this umm, but umm would it be possible for him to get an audition for your movie say on Thursday? Dana: Absolutely! But you-you would really feel better about me rejecting you if your actor friend can audition for my movie? Chandler: Well, the heart wants what it wants. I’ll see you later. Monica: Hey! How’s it goin’? Phoebe: Well, not much has changed in the last five minutes. Monica: Yes it has! I made cookies! Phoebe: Oh that’s all right. I’m still full from your homemade potato chips. Monica: But you should eat them now because they’re hot from the oven. Phoebe: Okay. Monica: Oh-ho! But not in here! Can’t eat ‘em in bed, remember? No crumbies! Phoebe: Okay, I’ll be out in a second. Monica: Okay! Monica: What are you doing? Phoebe: That doesn’t lock does it? Rachel: Oh, Joey! Sorry! Joey: No that’s all right. Don’t worry about it. Rachel: Oh but look! That’s gonna leave a stain! Joey: Rach! Hey! It’s fine! You’re at Joey’s! Rachel: Really? Joey: Yeah! Look! Rachel: I’ve never lived like this before. Joey: I know. Joey: All right, don’t waste it, I mean its still food. Ross: What do you want to do now? Huh? You wanna go get a drink? Elizabeth: Uhh, I can’t. Ross: Oh, you have some studying to do? Elizabeth: No, I have some turning 21 to do. Ross: Y’know I remember when uh, when I was in college, we used to… Elizabeth: What are you doing? Ross: Nothing, I’m-I’m just, I’m so comfortable with you! Elizabeth: Do you not want to be seen with me? Ross: What? No! Of course, of course I do! Are-are they gone? Elizabeth: Uh no, they’re still here but I think I’m about to leave. Ross: What?! No! No! Wait! You’re right, this is stupid. Who cares what people think? I mean, I mean we like each other right? There’s nothing wrong with that. Come on. Burt? Lydia? Mel? This is Elizabeth. Elizabeth: Hi! Lydia: Aren’t you in my Popular Culture class? Ross: That’s right Lydia, Elizabeth here is a student and uh, we’re dating. And you may frown upon that, but we’re not gonna hide it anymore. Mel: You are so fired. Ross: What? Burt: They’re gonna fire you! You can’t date a student! It’s against the rules. Ross: Really? Its not just frowned upon? Rachel: I love it at Joey’s! Joey: Hey, here you go. Chandler: Ni-hi-ice! Rachel: Thanks! Chandler: So, you busy Thursday? Joey: Oh, very funny. I don’t know if you remember, but my audition was supposed to be Thursday. Chandler: Okay. Okay. What are you gonna do to me if you get the part? Phoebe: Hey! Hi! Rachel: Hi! Phoebe: Listen umm, yeah okay, I need to talk to you! Rachel: Uh-huh. Phoebe: Now I know that they said that the umm, the hair straightener started the fire but I think I’m partly at fault. You see, I didn’t, I didn’t tell you but umm, but I-I had recently refilled the tissues and so y’know let’s just face it, that’s just kindling! So I think it’s better that I stay at Joey’s. Rachel: No, no-no-no. Phoebe, this was my fault and besides y’know what? I’m fine here. Phoebe: Okay. Oh umm, Chandler, Monica is looking for you. Chandler: Really? Phoebe: Yeah she said something about crumbies. Chandler: No! No! No! I was so careful! Phoebe: Okay, you have to switch with me! Monica is driving me crazy! Joey: That’s right, all the ladies want to stay at Joey’s. Rachel: No! No! Phoebe, come on! I don’t want to switch! Please come on! I can throw wet paper towels here! Phoebe: No but at Monica’s you can eat cookies over the sink! Rachel: I know. I’m sorry. Phoebe: All right fine! This looks like so much fun. Joey: Yeah. Phoebe: God, what a mess. Ross: Wow! It actually is in the handbook. I can’t date you or have a hot plate in my office. I can’t believe we have to stop seeing each other. Elizabeth: For what it’s worth I did appreciate you standing up for me. It felt really nice. It kinda made me like you even more. Ross: I know, I know I really like you too. But we-we can’t date. It’s against the rules. It’s forbidden. Elizabeth: Wow! Ross: What? Elizabeth: Just hearing you describe it as forbidden, it’s really hot. Ross: Really? Elizabeth: Yeah. Ross: Well I-I-I don’t care how hot it is it’s-it’s uh, it’s wrong. Elizabeth: Stop it! Ross: No! No! It’s wrong! It’s-it’s-it’s naughty. It’s taboo. Elizabeth: Shut the book! Ross: Let’s also get a hot plate! Ending Credits Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey! Chandler: So?! Joey: So? Chandler: It’s Thursday! How was the audition?! Joey: Wh? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when huh what? Thurs— End Teleplay by: Gigi McCreery & Perry Rein Story by: Seth Kurland Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Joey: Well that thing is clearing in the way! All right. Ah-ha! Ah-ah!! Damn fridge! Rachel: Hi Joey, how ya doin’? Joey: Great! Roomie! Rachel: Huh, yeah I guess we are roommates now. Joey: Yeah! Well, now that you brought it up, our fridge is broken. We have to get a new one. Now, I checked around and your half is $400. Thanks a lot. Rachel: I’m not paying for half of that! I’m only staying here until my apartment gets fixed. Joey: Look Rach, my parents bought this fridge just after I was born, okay? Now, I have never had a problem with it. Then you show up and it breaks! What does that tell ya’? Rachel: That refrigerators don’t live as long as people. Joey: All right, now you know that the ATM will only lets you take out 300 at a time, I’ll take a check for the other hundred. Rachel: You’re jokin’ right? Joey: Of course I’m jokin’! I don’t take checks. Rachel: Thank God you’re pretty. Opening Credits Rachel: Hey! All: Hi! Hey! Rachel: Do you guys know any cute guys? Chandler: Well, of course I do! My good friend Joey over here. Joey: Oh, I’m sorry. Thank you Chandler. Rachel: Anyway, there’s this big charity ball this weekend and Ralph Lauren bought a table, so I kinda have to go… Monica: What’s the charity? Rachel: I don’t know, something either trees or disease—Ralph mumbles a lot. Monica: Does Ralph mumble when you’re not paying attention? Rachel: Yeah! It’s weird. But the thing is need to find a date. Phoebe: Well, what kind of guy are you looking for? Rachel: Well, someone that has his own tux, or has the ability to rent a tux. Chandler: So he has to be a male who has at least $50. Joey: Ooh! So close. Ross: Hey everybody! All: Hi! Ross: Hey uh, this is Elizabeth. Elizabeth: Oh hi! All: Hi! Elizabeth: I’m the student. Chandler: No! Phoebe: Y’know, this is probably none of my business, but weren’t you guys supposed to not be seen in public together? Elizabeth: Oh, we’re not together. Ross: Oh no-no-no, we’re just two people who happen to run into each other here at the coffee house. Phoebe: Oh, sly. Elizabeth: Well, I really wanted to meet you guys, but I have to run. I’ll see you later? All: Okay! Elizabeth: Bye Ross. Ross: Bye. Elizabeth: Oops! I did not mean to run into you like that sir. Ross: Oh that is quite all right ma’am. Chandler: So, why is she leaving? Is it a school night and she has a lot of homework to do? Ross: Yes, her molecular epidemiology paper is due tomorrow. Chandler: Oh, tell her good luck with that. Ross: Anyone else? Huh? Bring ‘em on! Rachel: Oo! When’s her birthday?! Ross: I don’t know Rachel, why? Rachel: Well, y’know it’s just been so long since I’ve been to Chuckie Cheese. Monica: Oh, I like Elizabeth. Ross: Well thanks! Monica: Yeah. In fact, I like her so much you tell her I want my cookies early this year! Y’know, a box of Thin Mints and some Tag-a-Longs. Joey: Hey-hey come on you guys, give him a break. Ross, seriously, how’s it going with her? Ross: Well, actually it’s been great. She’s 20 so she’s not looking for anything too serious, which is perfect for me right now. Monica: Well that is great. And seriously, she seems very nice. Ross: Thanks. I know you guys like to give me a hard time and all, but it really means a lot to me that you like her. Just knowing that you guys are… Phoebe: Okay, I got a good one. Okay, umm, what is she? Like 12? Monica: Chandler, do you think we talk about our relationship enough? Chandler: Yeah. Do we have any Fruit Roll-Ups? Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Okay, I just thought of the perfect guy for Rachel to take to her thing. Chandler: Oh that’s so funny because we found someone too. Phoebe: Oh that’s good, I guess she’ll have a choice between my guy and your weirdo. Chandler: Why would our guy be a weirdo? Phoebe: ‘Cause that’s just your taste. Monica: Rachel is not going to pick your stupid guy. Phoebe: Oh yeah? Monica: Yeah! Phoebe: My guy is a lawyer who has volunteer work. And, he has one of these Chandler: A face ass? Phoebe: A chin dimple! Monica: Well, uh y’know, our guy works with Chandler and he’s really nice and smart and he’s a great dresser! Phoebe: Have you seen your guy’s body? Chandler: No, our guy is just a floating head. Phoebe: Well my guy is spectacular. Okay? He’s a massage client and one time umm, when he was on the table, I looked at it. And I mean all of it. Monica: You’re not supposed to look! Phoebe: Oh yeah, like there are police for that! Chandler: Wait! You look? You-you massaged me. Phoebe: I know. Monica: All right fine, your guy may have a great body, but our guy is really funny. Phoebe: Oh, Chandler funny? Monica: Our guy’s a great dancer! Phoebe: My guy is well read. Chandler: Our guy has great hair. Phoebe: My guy has great teeth! Chandler: Our guy smells incredible. Monica: Do you want our guy to be your guy? Chandler: Hey. Joey: Huh. Chandler: Well, you…don’t look good Joe. Joey: The fridge broke. I have to eat everything. Cold cuts, ice cream, limes—Hey, what was in that brown jar? Chandler: That’s still in there?! Joey: Not anymore. So anyway, how do you want to pay me? Chandler: Is this a service you’re providing me? Joey: No! No! No! For my new fridge—our new fridge! Chandler: Our new fridge? I don’t live here anymore. Joey: So what? Look, suppose we were a divorced couple. Chandler: Uh-huh. Joey: And I got custody of the kid, right? Now suppose the kid dies and-and I gotta buy a new kid. Chandler: Okay… Joey: Give me $400! Elizabeth: Professor Geller? Ross: Hmm? Oh, a student I don’t know. Elizabeth: I was wondering if I could talk to you for a moment? Ross: Yes, yes of course, what-what would this be regarding? Elizabeth: Making out in your office. Ross: Shh! Of course, why don’t we go inside? Ross: Oh-ooh! Elizabeth: What? Ross: Doorknob! Doorknob! Elizabeth: Oh! Sorry! Umm, I actually do need to talk to you. Ross: Oh, okay. What-what about? Elizabeth: Spring vacation. Ross: Spring vacation. Elizabeth: Yeah, we have time off and a lot of people are going on trips… Professor Feesen: Professor Geller! Ross: Ross: You don’t understand! Elizabeth was about to ask me to go on a trip with her! Is that taking it slow?! No, I’m not ready for this! Okay? What-what do I tell her? Chandler: Just tell her the truth! Tell her you’re not ready. Ross: I can do that. Oh-oh, what if she gets upset? Chandler: Then you distract her with a Barbie doll. Joey: Or! You can just, y’know… Ross: What the hell are you doing? Joey: What? What the hell am I doing? You just broke my fridge! Ross: What?! What? How do you, how do you even know its broken?! Joey: Oh-ho-ho, you think I don’t know what breaks my fridge? Excuse me! Well what do you know! Broken! That’ll be $400! Chandler: Joey, I saw you push him! Joey: You pushed him! Ross: Joey, I did not break this! Okay? That has been broken for a while. Joey: All right. Chandler, do you remember how I told you about our fridge? Chandler: Uh-huh. Joey: I still haven’t gotten a check for your half yet. Ross: Do not give him any money! Joey: I’m not talking to you! You broke my fridge! Elizabeth: You wanted to see me Professor Geller? Ross: Yes. Yes! Please, come in. Ross: Oo-oo! Elizabeth: Doorknob? Ross: Yeah, it kinda grows on you. Actually, I wanted to finish talking to you about uh, spring vacation. Elizabeth: Oh good. Ross: Look, I… Look, I’m having a great time with you and I just don’t want us to move to fast or put to much pressure on us. So, I’m sorry I just don’t think we should go away together yet. It’s-it’s too soon. Elizabeth: Ross, I think you misunderstood what I was saying. I just wanted to tell you that I’m going to Florida for a couple weeks. Ross: No. I think you misunderstood what I was saying. What I meant was… Elizabeth: You are so adorable. Ross: That! Let’s talk about that. Ross: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey! How did it go with Elizabeth? Ross: Huh? Oh-oh, it was fine. Uh, it was just a misunderstanding. She didn’t want me to go with her. She just wanted to let me know that she’s going to Florida for spring vacation. Chandler: Wait a minute, is she going for spring vacation or is she going for spring break? Ross: What’s-what’s the difference? Monica: Well, spring vacation is doing nice things with your grandparents. Spring break you’re doing frat guys. Ross: Hey, y’know what? Not all spring breaks are like that. Phoebe: What did you do on yours? Ross: I went to Egypt with my dad. Chandler: I can see it now, "Look dad, it’s the Sphinx!" Ross: Hey, I think Elizabeth is a little more serious than, "Spring break!" All right? I mean she’s taken my class! Monica: And slept with the professor. Ross: I’m gonna call her. Chandler: Yeah. Rachel: Hey! You guys umm, I want you to meet Sebastian. Sebastian: Hi. Rachel: We just uh, we just met at the newsstand. We both grabbed for the last Field & Stream. What? I read that. Sebastian: Can I get you a cup of coffee? Rachel: Oh yes! Thank you! Phoebe: Rachel, what the hell is this?! Rachel: What? Phoebe: You ask us to find you a guy and you come traipsing in here with your own! Rachel: You found me a guy? Monica: Yes! We found you a really cute and funny guy from Chandler’s work! Phoebe: Yeah and I-I found you one too who is not a weirdo. Rachel: Well, y’know what though you guys? I really appreciate that but I think I’m just gonna take Sebastian to the charity. Chandler: Are you sure?! Because our guy smells incredible! Monica: Uh, would you stop it with that already?! Sebastian: Here you go. Rachel: Oh, thank you. Sebastian: Sure. Phoebe: So, Sebastian, do you do any volunteer work? Sebastian: Uh, no not really. Why? Phoebe: No reason, it’s just I know a single guy that cares about other people. Chandler: Are you funny? Sebastian: Excuse me? Rachel: What are you guys doing? Monica: Are you funny? Tell us a joke! Sebastian: Look, I just wanted to have coffee with Rachel. Phoebe: Well, so do a lot of people. Sebastian: Actually, I uh, I gotta get going. Give me a call sometime. Rachel: Oh, but y’know, no, you didn’t give me your phone number. Sebastian: Okay! See you later! Chandler: Turns out he is kinda funny. Commercial Break Rachel: I cannot believe you guys! He was really nice and he left because of you! Chandler: Yeah, but Sebastian? What is that? A cat’s name? Phoebe: Yeah, y’know what I noticed Rachel? He scares easy. Is that the kind of guy you’d like to take to a ball? "Hey Sebastian, would you like to dance?" "Uhh, okay—I gotta go!" Monica: All right guys stop it. Rachel, we’re very sorry that is a very insensitive thing for us to do. And y’know what? Let us make it up to you, we have two really great guys for you. Phoebe: Yeah! What have you got to lose? Y’know you might even end up with someone really special if you pick my guy. Rachel: All right. Chandler: Okay, so you will meet our guys? Rachel: Yes, I’ll meet ‘em. Chandler: Okay now it doesn’t matter which one you choose, y’know? It’s completely up to you. Our guy is perfect, or you can go out with the guy Phoebe deemed not good enough to go out with herself. Joey: Pheebs! There you are! Okay, you broke my fridge; you owe me 400 bucks! Phoebe: Okay sure! Joey: Really?! Phoebe: Ooh, technically you owe me $600 for sending out happy thoughts on your last ten auditions. Joey: Call it even? Phoebe: Okay. Chandler: Well, there you are! So what did Elizabeth say? Ross: Well, it turns out that she is going to Daytona for spring break woo-hoo. That means, that means wet T-shirt contests, guys doing shots off of girl’s bodies, waking up next to people you don’t even know… Joey: Man, she is going to have a great time! Is she staying at the Hotel Corona? Chandler: You know the hotels? Joey: Sure! I was there! Spring Break ’81! Woo-hoo! Monica: In 1981 you were 13! Joey: So what? I drove down, sold T-shirts, had a blast. And y’know who knows how to party? Drunk college chicks. Ross: Okay, she can’t go. Phoebe: Ross, you can’t tell her not to go. You just started dating. Ross: Then what am I supposed to do? Phoebe: Nothing, you just have to be cool with it. Ross: Well, what is she goes down and-and sleeps with a bunch of guys? Chandler: Well, maybe you don’t marry this one. Ross: I’m so glad you’re going on this trip! Elizabeth: Yeah! I’ve been working so hard this semester. I really need to go crazy y’know, blow off some steam. Ross: Sure. Sure. Look I don’t, I don’t know if your plans are finalized yet, but umm, hey I-I know another great way to blow off steam. Elizabeth: What? Ross: Are you into crafts at all? Elizabeth: Ross, are you okay? Ross: Well, yeah, of-of course I’m okay! What? I’m just being supportive. Supportive of you and this whole trip, and-and Elizabeth: It’s a bathing suit? Ross: To wear in front of people? Elizabeth: Is that supportive? Ross: Is this?! Monica: Hey! Chandler: Good-good-good-good. Monica: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Monica: We’re really glad you decided to meet our guy. Rachel: Oh… Monica: You’re gonna like him so much. So umm, when do you want to meet him? Rachel: I don’t know. I know I don’t work late tomorrow night. Chandler: Tomorrow night is good. Tomorrow night is good, but uh, y’know what? Why put off something till tomorrow that you can do right now? Rachel: What? Monica: Eldad, this is Rachel. Eldad: How are you? Rachel: Well-well a little blind sided but y’know good. Chandler: Eldad, sit down. Move over! Move over now! Rachel: I—Ohh! Chandler: There you go! There you are! Monica: Okay! Okay! We can take a hint! What are you doing here?! Phoebe: This is Patrick. Patrick: Hi. Chandler: Hi. Okay, you’re too late okay? Because she’s already with our guy. Phoebe: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah? Phoebe: This is Patrick. Rachel: Oh, hi. Patrick: Hi. Phoebe: Yeah, this is the guy I was telling you about. Rachel: Yeah? Phoebe: Yeah. And believe me, this suit does not do justice to what’s underneath it. Rachel: Oh-okay, but Pheebs? Phoebe: Yeah? Rachel: I’m just sort of in the middle of something. Phoebe: Oh! Okay! Yeah, that’s okay. Monica: No! You can’t do that! Eldad: Maybe I should go! Monica: Sit down! We’re winning! Rachel: Okay, y’know what? Maybe I should go! All: No-no-no-no! Have a seat! Have a seat! Monica: Rachel! Rachel! You haven’t touched Eldad’s hair! Chandler: It is the softest hair! Touch it! Rachel: Yeah, I’m good. Phoebe: Rachel? Patrick is really rich. Give her some money. Patrick: Y’know what Phoebe? This isn’t really worth the free massage. Monica: That’s right Patrick, bye-bye! Chandler: You dance for Rachel! Rachel: No-no! Don’t dance for me! Please? Don’t! What is the matter with you guys? Phoebe: Yeah, okay, let’s talk it out. Rachel: I… Am I the only one that this is embarrassing for? Eldad: I’m a little embarrassed. Rachel: I’ll tell ya who should be embarrassed! It’s you guys! Come on! This is ridiculous! Thank you very much, but I do not need you to get me a date! Phoebe: Then why did she ask us to… Rachel: I am still talking!! And then you chase away the one guy that I actually liked! I mean, no offense to you guys. Really! I mean Now do you use some sort of special conditioner on that hair?! Eldad: Yes, Papaya Extract. Rachel: Thank you! Ross: So uh, have a great time down there. Elizabeth: I will. Ross: Yeah. And did you, did you pack that bathing suit? Elizabeth: Yeah. Ross: It was pretty funny when I, when I hid it for a while, huh? Anyway, umm, I-I am worried about that bathing suit, not because it’s revealing which I’m fine with, no I’m concerned about your health, sun exposure. Elizabeth: Oh, don’t worry I have plenty of sun block, it’s SPF-30. Ross: Well, if what’s in the bottle is actually 30. I mean sometimes you get 30, sometimes it’s-it’s get 4, and I swear to God more often than not it’s just milk. Elizabeth: Ross, it’s going to be okay. I’m not going down there to hook up with a bunch of guys. I really like you. I like how things are going between us. Ross: Really? Elizabeth: Yeah! I’m just going down there to relax and hang out with my friends. Ross: Okay. Cool. Elizabeth: Oh hey! Here they are! Guy: Elizabeth! Ross: Call me! Ending Credits Phoebe: Rachel, we’re sorry for pushing those guys on you. Rachel: Oh that’s all right! Y’know, I ended up having a really good time. Y’know, the charity was a big success and they raised a lot of money and awareness. Chandler: So what was it for anyway? Rachel: I wanna say a disease. Joey: Hey! All: Hey! Joey: I just got this really weird message from Ross. He said turn on MTV. Rachel: Huh. All right. Phoebe: Oh my God, look! That’s Elizabeth! Rachel: Oh-oh Professor Geller. Joey: Ahh, to be 13 again. Chandler: Yeah. End Written by: Doty Abrams Transcribed by: Eric Aasen With Scenes Taken From Episodes Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips, guineapig, Ruth Curran, Josh Hodge, and Me. Joey: The reactor’s gonna blow in three seconds, we’re never gonna make it! Phoebe: You’ve got to get out of here! Save yourself! Joey: No! I won’t leave you! Phoebe: Don’t worry about me, I’m a robot! I’m just a machine!! Joey: No you’re not! Not to me! Phoebe: Oh my God. Joey: What? Phoebe: I am extremely talented! Joey: Yeah, you’re great! Okay, let’s take it from… Phoebe: No, I mean I was really acting my ass off. Joey: Yeah, I thought I was pretty good too. Phoebe: Oh yeah, you’re solid. Yeah, you’re just no me. Joey: Y’know what? I think that’s enough for now. Yeah. I don’t want to be over rehearsed. Phoebe: You’ll see!! You’ll all see!! Opening Credits Chandler: So uh, what’s this thing you’re auditioning for? Joey: Oh, it’s a new TV show. Yeah. I’m up for the part of Mac Macaveli or "Mac." Yeah, I’m a detective and I solve crimes with the help of my robot partner. He’s a, he’s a Computerized Humanoid Electronically Enhanced Secret Enforcer or-or "C.H.E.E.S.E." Rachel: So Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Joey: That’s the title! Yeah! Y’know they really lucked out that the initials spell cheese. Chandler: That is lucky. Rachel: Huh—Wait so Joey if you get this, you’re gonna be like the star of your own TV show! I mean you’ll be like the Big Cheese! Or the Big Mac—Hey! You love those! Joey: Well, don’t get your hopes up, because probably not gonna happen. Chandler: Now-now, why would you say that Joseph? Joey: I mean come on you guys! My own TV show? I just don’t know if I’m good enough. Phoebe: I am. Rachel: Joey, what are you talking about? You’re a terrific actor. Joey: You really think so? Rachel: Ugh, how can you even ask that question?! Chandler:  Whoa, she's pretty. Joey:  Yeah, and oh she's really nice too. She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting. Rachel:  I'm sorry, what? Monica:  What? Ross:  Excuse me? Joey:  It's like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. So while you're thinkin' of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this. Chandler:  Oh, ok. Joey: Joey: All you want is a dingle, What you envy's a schwang, A thing through which you can tinkle, Or play with, or simply let hang... Joey:  I play Al Pacino's butt. All right? He goes into the shower, and then- I'm his butt. Monica: Oh my God. Joey:  C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big! Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's- it's- y'know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into show business. Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me! Ross: You're right, you're right, it is. Monica:  Yes. Ross:  So you gonna invite us all to the big opening? Joey: All right well, I’m outta here. Wish me luck. Phoebe: Gooood luck! Gooood luck! We all wish you good luuuuuuuuck!!! Joey: Yeah, whatever. Ross: It’s your turn. Chandler: Oh, are we playing this?! Joey: Hey. Chandler: Hey! How’d the audition go? Joey: Terrible! I messed up every line! I shouldn’t even be an actor! Ross: Wait a minute, are you doing that thing where you pretend it didn’t go well but it really did go well? Joey: Yeah, did I fool ya? Ross: Totally! Chandler: So it did go well. Joey: Oh, it went amazingly well! Ross: Great! Chandler: Oh that’s great! Joey: Yeah-yeah, it’s down to me and two other guys. Chandler: Oh my God! Ross: Wow! Joey: And I know both of them, they’re really good. One of them is the guy from those allergy commercials who’s always getting chased by those big flowers… Ross: Oh, I love that guy! Chandler: Oh-oh, what are you doing? Ross: What am I doing? Joey: I’m just so nervous! Y’know? The callback isn’t until tomorrow at five. I feel like my head is going to explode! Chandler: Well, it is overdue. Ross: Look, don’t worry. Okay? You’re gonna be fine. Joey: There’s just so much pressure. I mean no offense, but what you guys do is very different. I don’t know if you’d understand. Ross: Yeah, none of us have to deal with pressure at our jobs. Chandler: Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy! Monica:  Alright, well I'm tearing the lettuce. Interviewer:  Uh-huh. Is it dirty? Monica:  Oh-oh, no no don't worry, I'm gonna wash it. Interviewer:  Don't, I like it dirty. Monica:  That's your call. Interviewer:  So, uh, what are you going to do next? Monica:  Well, I thought that I would cut up the tomatos. Interviewer:  Are they, uh, firm? Monica:  They'r alright. Interviewer:  You sure they haven't gone bad? You're sure they're not very, very bad? Monica:  No really, they're OK. Interviewer:  You gonna slice them up real nice? Monica:  Actually, I was gonna do them jullienne. Interviewer:  Aaaahhhhhhh. Monica:  I'm outa here. Rachel:  Monica:  Well, what happened? Phoebe:  Well, he came in for a massage and everything was fine until... All:  Ohhhhhh! Ross:  Oh my God! Phoebe:  And all of the sudden his hands weren't the problem anymore. Monica:  Was it... Phoebe:  Oh, Boy Scouts could've camped under it! Ross: You ate my sandwich? Dr. Leedbetter: It was a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone. Ross: Oh-oh really? Dr. Leedbetter: Now-now calm down. Come look in my office, some of it my still be in the trash. Ross: What? Dr. Leedbetter: Well, it was quite large. I-I-I-I-I had to throw most of it away. Ross: You-you-you-you threw my sandwich away! Ross:  MY SANDWICH?!!! Ross: MY SANDWICH!!!!!! Joey: I want this part so much! Y’know? If I don’t get this part I’m never gonna eat Macaroni and Cheese again!—No, I didn’t say that! That’s a lie. Chandler: Oh come on guys, it’s not like I moved to Europe! I just moved across the hall! And we would have you over all the time if it weren’t for Monica: Ahh! Aren’t you dressed yet? Chandler: Am I naked again?! Monica: We’re supposed to meet my parents in 15 minutes. Chandler: Yeah okay, I was just talking to the guys. Just look at them I mean, is it okay if they come visit? Monica: Wh?! What about my allergies?! Chandler: Oh right, your allergies. Joey: Yes!! Ha-ha!! All right! Hey! How cool would it be if you could watch like a real life-sized version of this? Huh? I mean how crazy would that be? Chandler: As crazy as soccer? Joey: Chandler: You mean you didn’t get it from this? Joey: The allergy guy got the part! Thanks! Chandler: Well, maybe we can fix it y’know? Maybe we can send him some-some big-big flowers and scare him! Joey: How could you do this to me Chandler?! This part could’ve turned my whole career around! Chandler: I messed up. Okay? I’m sorry, I really messed up. Joey: Hey, you don’t even live here anymore! What are you doing answering my phone? I have my machine! Chandler: Which I bought for ya. Taught ya how to use it. You thought it was a copier. Look, if there was anything I could do, I would do it. Okay? But everybody’s allowed one mistake, right? Chandler:  You know he coulda gotten me a VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the woman repeller!  The eyesore from the Liberace house of crap! Phoebe:  It's not that bad. Chandler:  Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection. Phoebe:  Chandler, Chandler. Chandler:  I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that. . . Hi! Chandler:  Yeah, I mean when you were late last night, Kathy and I got to talking, and one thing to another and… Joey:  And what?! Did you sleep with her?! Chandler:  No! No! No! I just kissed her. Joey:  What?!! That’s even worse!! Chandler:  How is that worse?! Joey:  I don’t know! But it’s the same! Chandler:  You’re right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the line. Joey:  Over the line?! You-you’re-you’re so far past the line, that you-you can’t even see the line! The line is a dot to you! Chandler: Look, I’m not saying that you should magically forgive me! But you’re not perfect! You’ve made some errors in judgment too! Joey: Name one! Chandler: What happened?!! Joey: Awww, man! He promised he wouldn’t take the chairs!! Chandler:  What the hell happened?!! How were you locked in?!! And where the hell is all of our stuff?!! Joey:  Well, this guy came by to look at the unit and-and he said he didn’t think big enough to fit a grown man! Chandler:  So--You got in voluntarily?! Joey:  I was tryin’ to make a sale!! Oh, man, if I ever run into that guy again, do you know what I’m gonna do? Chandler:  BEND OVER?!!! Chandler: Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess. Lorraine: Hi, Joey. Well well, look what you brought. Chandler: ...And what did you bring? Lorraine: She's checking the coats. Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands. Will you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice. Chandler: Janice? Chandler: Janice?! Janice: Oh.... my.... God. Chandler: Joey's tailor...took advantage of me. Ross: What? Joey: No way!  I've been going to the guy for 12 years. Chandler: Oh come on!  He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite... Ross: What? Chandler: Cupping. Joey: That's how they do pants!  Ross, will you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants? Ross: Yes, yes it is. In prison! Joey: I said name one! Commercial Break Chandler: I can’t believe I did this! What an idiot! Monica: Oh, stop beating yourself up! People make mistakes! These things happen! There aren’t any message you’ve forgotten to give me are there? Apparently you’re not very good at it! I… Chandler: Do you think he’ll ever forgive me? Rachel: Of course he will! But Chandler the most important thing is you forgive yourself! Chandler: Y’know what? I-I kinda have. Rachel: Already? That’s pretty bad what you did. Monica: Y’know what? He will forgive you. And I like to bring a pad with me when I go answer the phone just in case… Okay… Chandler: You didn’t see how mad he was, y’know? Rachel: I’m sure he will forgive you. Look, we have all been there! Y’know, you fight, you make up, it’s just the way it works. Ross: It took two people to break up this relationship!! Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!! Ross: I didn’t know what I was taking full responsibility for! Okay?! I didn’t finish the whole letter! Rachel: What?!! Ross: I fell asleep! Rachel: You fell asleep?! Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!! Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means ‘you are,’ Y-O-U-R means ‘your!’ Rachel: Y'know I can’t believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!! Ross: Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, it’s not that common! It doesn’t happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!! Chandler: I KNEW IT!!!! Monica: You had no right to go out with him. Rachel: That is the most ridiculous... Monica: You sold me out. Rachel: I did not sell you out. Monica: Yes you did.  You absolutely sold me... Rachel: Would you let me talk. Monica: Did you just flick me? Rachel: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- Phoebe: Oh!  All right.  Now, let's not do this! Phoebe: Happy thoughts!  Happy thoughts! Phoebe: OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass. Monica and Rachel: Ow! Ow! Ow! Phoebe: I know!  I know!  I know! Phoebe: Alright, now I will let go if you both stop. Rachel: Fine! Monica: Fine! Phoebe: There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches. Joey: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own. Chandler: Oh my God!  Joey: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando... Joey: Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff on. I ah, I better not do any, I don't know, lunges. Chandler: Joey? Got you a Joey Special, two pizzas! Joe? By dog not flowers. Joey: Hey! Chandler: Please tell me you got the message! Joey: What message? Chandler: The actor playing Mac couldn’t do it, they needed to see you at 2 o’clock. Joey: What?! It’s 6 o’clock! Chandler: Du-du-I wrote it, I wrote it on the board! I wrote it on the board, then I went all over New York City looking for ya! I went to Ross’s! I went to the coffeehouse! I went to any place that they made sandwiches! Joey: I can’t believe this Chandler! Chandler: Sorry! I-I-I don’t know what to say. Joey: Well you-you-you-you might say congratulations! I saw the board! I went to the audition! I got the part!! Chandler: Is that supposed to be funny! I was really worried over here! Joey: Oh, well I’m uh… Chandler: Y’know, sometimes that fake out thing is just mean! Joey: Oh wow! Okay man, I’m sorry. I did not mean to make you feel bad. Chandler: Well that’s good. Because you didn’t! And I’m incredibly happy for ya!! Joey: That’s mean! You really had me going there! Chandler: Oh, we could do this all day. Joey: Yeah, you’re right. Okay look, listen, let’s talk about what a huge star I’m gonna be! Chandler: You are gonna be a huge star! I’m gonna hug ya! Joey: You hug me! Chandler: All right! Joey: Hey, do we do this too much? Chandler: I think so. Yeah, get off me. Joey: Yeah. Ending Credits Joey: Come on C.H.E.E.S.E., I’m not leaving without you! Try routing your backup source through your primary CPU. Phoebe: I can’t! My circuits are fried! They’re fried I tell you!! Joey: Wow! Well then I’ll just have to carry you. Ross: That’ll be a neat trick, when you’re, when you’re dead! Joey: Ross, you don’t have to yell. Ross: There was just an explosion, okay? My hearing would be impaired. Phoebe: I thought you were excellent! In fact for a minute there I was like, "Ooh, where’d Ross go?" Ross: Thank you! And I have to say that first scene when you meet Mac… Phoebe: Yeah? Ross: Oh my God. I mean… Joey: Y’know what? I think that’s enough for today. Thanks for your help! Phoebe: He’s holding us back. Ross: Totally. End Teleplay by: Scott Siveri Story by: David J. Lagana Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Rachel: Okay, Chandler! Chandler: Okay. Rachel: And your horoscope says, "On the fifth a special someone is going to give you a gift." Chandler: Rachel: Op, but the twelfth brings a lover’s spat. Monica: You are going to make a joke about my special present! Why would you do that?! Rachel: Oh, wait and on the nineteenth a secret crush announces itself. Joey: Hey guys! Chandler: Hey!! Rachel: Oh my God! It’s Joey Tribbiani of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.!!!!!!! Chandler: Oh that’s right. It’s your first day! So are you psyched to fight fake crime with your robot sidekick? Joey: Am I psyched? The lead in my own TV series? I’ve dreamed about this for years! Why have I not been preparing?! Phoebe: No! Joey, you’re going to be great! Joey: But I got to act with a robot Pheebs, and-and I don’t know anything about technology! I can’t even use Chandler’s computer except to find porn! And-and that’s only ‘cause it’s right there when you turn it on! Monica: I think our lover’s spat will start a little early this month. Phoebe: I’ll be waiting. Opening Credits Chandler: Are you judging them by their covers? Because you’re really not supposed to do that. Phoebe: No, I’m just deciding which one to use—I’m gonna start writing another book! Rachel: Be-because the last one was such a big seller? Phoebe: Well, if you must know I have written 14 books. And as I am the only one who has read them, I can tell you that they all have been very well received. Ross: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Ross: What are you guys doing later? Phoebe: Oh, Rachel and I have appointments to get our hair cut. Rachel: We do? Phoebe: I want to see what he wants first. Rachel: Okay. Ross: I just found out that Elizabeth’s dad wants to meet me. Chandler: Wait a minute, hold the phone! You’re not Elizabeth’s dad?! Ross: Come on guys, I-I really want this guy to like me. It-it would really help me out if you guys were here to make me look good. All: Of course we’ll help! Yeah! We’ll be here! Ross: Thanks! Monica: We know how tough those parent/teacher conferences can be. The Producer: So uh, here’s your office set! Joey: Wow! Huh? Mac Macaveli, Private Investigator! The Producer: Let’s get you into wardrobe for a fitting. Joey: Okay. Hey uh, when do I get to meet the robot? The Producer: I’m sorry, why don’t we do that right now? He’s right here. Joey: Okay. The Producer: Joey Tribbiani, this is… Joey: Oh wow! He’s so lifelike! Unbelievable! (He starts tugging on the guy’s ears. The Producer: This is Wayne, the man who created and operates C.H.E.E.S.E. Joey: The Producer: I’ll let you two guys get acquainted, huh? Joey: Okay. Sorry about that… Uh, so where’s C.H.E.E.S.E.? Wayne: C.H.E.E.S.E. is right here. C.H.E.E.S.E.: Nice to meet you Mac! Joey: This is like the temporary robot, right? Wayne: No. Why? Joey: Well, I-I just, I just it was going to be like a really cool robot, y’know? Like the terminator or uh, when I first saw you. Wayne: I spent two years developing this machine, it’s absolutely state of the art. Joey: I’m sorry, it just—I don’t know it doesn’t really look like it can do anything. Wayne: It can do this. Elizabeth: This is my father, Paul Stevens. Dad, this is Ross Geller. Ross: It-it’s great to meet you Paul. Paul: I usually prefer Elizabeth’s boyfriends to address me as Mr. Stevens. Ross: Of course, of course, Mr. Stevens. Paul: So Ross, what your problem? Ross: Eh-wh—Excuse me? Paul: Why can’t you get a girlfriend your own age? Ross: That’s funny. Umm…. It’s not funny. Paul: I don’t like you going out with my daughter Ross. Ross: Okay. I can, I can see that. Umm, but I think if you give me umm, one chance I can, I can change your mind. Paul: Okay. Ross: What? Paul: Okay. I’ll give you one chance to change my mind. Elizabeth: Daddy! Paul: Fine! Two minutes. Go. Ross: This is—you— Paul: 1 minute 50 seconds. Ross: Okay, umm I want you to know that I have never done anything like this before. I mean, I mean I’ve been in um, relationships in general, uh but I have never done it with a student—I mean I not—not it! I mean, I mean I don’t—We haven’t done it. Uh, I mean, I mean, we’ve-we’ve-we’ve done stuff. Okay, okay, a joke, a joke—lighten the mood. Umm, two guys go into a bar. One of them is Irish. Paul: I’m Irish. Ross: And the Irish guy wins the joke! Monica: Ross!! Chandler: Ross! Monica: How crazy that we’d run into you! Ross: Oh God, thank you! Umm, uh, Mr. Stevens I’d like you to meet my friends uh, this is Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler. Phoebe: You’re Elizabeth’s father, huh? I can see now where she gets her rugged handsomeness. Monica: Is-is-is there a-a Mrs. Stevens? Chandler: There’s a Mr. Bing! Paul: No, unfortunately Lizzie’s mom passed away shortly after she was born. I raised her by myself. Phoebe and Monica: Ohh! Paul: I get that a lot. Ross: Okay umm, why don’t we all take a seat, y’know? And uh, and I’ll get us all some uh some coffees— Monica: Y’know, it is so strange seeing Ross here this time of day, ‘cause usually he’s got the children’s hospital. Phoebe: Yeah. Not looking for dates. Elizabeth: So uh, Monica is Ross’s sister. Monica: And he’s a great brother! Paul: I had a sister. Monica: Ohh! Paul: She passed away. Monica and Phoebe: Ohh! Paul: Oh, you don’t have to do that every time. Chandler: But uh Ross, Ross is a great guy! I was roommates with him in college. Uh, funny story… You’re roommate in college died didn’t he? Paul: A part of him did yes. Ross: So I hope you guys were finding something to talk about. Chandler: Yes, we were just… Rachel: Hi, I’m sorry I’m late but I am ready, ready to talk you up! When does Liz’s father get here? Paul: I’m already here. Rachel: Oh! Ross is sooo great! Chandler: Hey honey, you got the kind with the little girl, you said we were gonna to get the kind with the baby. Monica: No, you said the baby creeps you out. Chandler: No, the little girl creeps me out. Monica: You said the baby. Chandler: Why would the baby creep me out? Monica: Why would the little girl creep you out? Phoebe: You guys, I’m sorry, could you please talk a little slower? Chandler: This is going in your book? Phoebe: Yeah, it’s about relationships. Y’know? The traps, the pitfalls, what not to do, keep going. This stuff is great! Monica: What?! Excuse me! Phoebe: And how none of it matters when the people really love each other. And how people will believe anything you tell them as long as it’s a compliment. Rachel: Oh hi! Paul: Hi! Hi. I think I left my keys here somewhere. Rachel: Oh! Well let’s look for them. Oh-oh-hey! Are these them? Paul: No. Rachel: All right! Paul: Oh, here they are right here. Rachel: Oh good. Paul: Thanks for your help. Rachel: Oh, wait! Sorry, Mr. Paul? Mr. Paul? Paul: Just call me Paul. Rachel: Paul. Umm, I just wanted you to know that Ross really is a great guy. Paul: Well maybe you can date him then that would save me the trouble of killing him. Are you okay? Rachel: You just don’t look old enough to have a twenty-year-old daughter. Paul: Well, we were very young when we had her. Rachel: Oh. We? Paul: Well yeah, it usually, it takes two people to… Rachel: Oh no! Yes! Of course, I know that! I just—I meant y’know are you still a ‘We’ or are you just ‘You?’ Paul: I’m just me, my wife died shortly after Lizzie was born. Rachel: Ohh. So you raised her all on your own? Paul: Yes I did. Rachel: Ohh. Ooh! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Monica: How was your first day? Joey: Pretty great! Except I did get a little attitude from the robot. Chandler: Damn those robots, they’re supposed to be our faithful servants! Joey: Anyway, it wasn’t the robot, it was the guy who controls him. Yeah, he doesn’t like me. He had C.H.E.E.S.E. knock over the sandwich right when I was reaching for one! Ohh! Phoebe: Well, why don’t you just get him fired? Joey: I may have to, I hate to do it, but I’m the star! Y’know? There’s a limit to how many sandwiches I can eat off the floor. Joey Tribbiani. Estelle: Joe! I’m glad I found ya, I got an audition for ya! Joey: Wow! Estelle: The thing is it’s kinda on the Q.T. The actor who has the part doesn’t know he might be fired. It’s the lead in a series, Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Joey: I’m the lead in Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.!! Estelle: Uh-oh! Ross: Joey?! Paul: Hi Ross. Rachel: I was just getting him to like you. Commercial Break Ross: Joey?! Joey!! Rachel: Ross, Joey is not here. Ross: Okay, I’ll just wait for him in here! Rachel: Ross, it’s okay. You can come out. Paul: Yeah Ross it’s okay, it’s me, Mr. Stevens. Ross: Oh! Oh my God! I didn’t even see you! Paul: Sure you did! You came in, you got all awkward, and you ran into the bedroom. You were shouting, "Joey! Joey!" Bye Rach. Rachel: Bye! Paul: I’ll call you later. Bye Ross. Ross: What-what-what the—how da-how did-what the-how did-what?! Rachel: Well, y’know he lost his keys so he was looking for them… Ross: In your mouth?! Rachel: No! Downstairs! And we got to talking y’know, for like two hours, and I really liked him so I invited him up here for a cup of coffee. Ross: You were at the coffeehouse! Rachel: Ross, what’s the big deal? So I kissed the guy! Ross: He is my girlfriend’s father, okay? It’s-it’s, it’s weird! Rachel: Wh—You dated my sister! Ross: That was different! Rachel: What? Why?! Ross: This is weird for me! Rachel: Ross look, look this is good for you. Okay? Let’s face it, so far the guy’s not lovin’ ya! But I can turn that around! I got the inside track! We can all go out to dinner, y’know? And I can talk you up! Ross, the guy is a very, very successful lawyer! Ross: How is that important? Rachel: Oh it’s important! Joey: Apparently, there’s like a million guys out there that can play Mac, and there’s only this one robot and this one guy who controls it! I didn’t know he could get me fired! What am I going to do? Monica: Well y’know Joey, you’re a pretty charming guy. Joey: Thanks, but I kinda have a problem to deal with here. Monica: No sweetie, you’ve got to win over the guy that controls C.H.E.E.S.E.! You’ve got to kiss some serious robot ass! Joey: That’s not a bad idea. Yeah. Okay, but if I got to turn on the charm tomorrow I’m not wasting anymore of it over here with you guys. Chandler: So do you think uh, Joey’s more charming than me? Monica: Yeah! That’s why I’m sleeping with him on the side. Chandler: Yeah, you wish. Phoebe: "You wish." Monica: Phoebe, stop writing about us! Phoebe: I’m not writing about you! I’m writing about other people. Chandler: Who? Phoebe: Marcia and Chester. Monica: Okay fine! Fine! Then you know what, I’ll just write about Phyllis! Hmm! Chandler: Hmm. Monica: Phyllis is sitting in a chair. Chandler: Oh. Phoebe: I see what you’re doing! Monica: Phyllis sees what I’m doing. Chandler: Oh-oh. Phoebe: Ooh, I have tasted my own medicine and it is bitter! Joey: Morning! Hey, how’s my favorite genius and my little robot buddy?! Wayne: Don’t touch him! Joey: Okay! Rachel: So it seemed that my prom date had stood me up, so Ross selflessly, offered to take me. Elizabeth: What a nice story! Paul: So Ross was in college and decided to jump at the chance to take a young girl to her high school prom. Rachel: Wow! I definitely did not see that one backfiring! I’m gonna go to the bathroom. Ross: Yeah, take your time. Ross: Just-just so you know I was a freshman and she was a senior. So it wasn’t as bad as-as… Paul: Ross, look, I know I’ve been giving you a lot of jabs and it’s partly because I’m very protective of Lizzie, and partly because well, they just keep coming to me. But I have to admit that after all the wonderful things that Lizzie has told me and the many, many, all bad. Ross: Not all bad. Paul: And anyhow, I’m sorry I was so harsh before, but you have to understand that I still look at Lizzie like she’s a twelve-year-old girl. Ross: Yeah. You know what? I know what you mean; I do that too. Paul: I beg your pardon? Ross: No! No! Not—I don’t mean I-I see her as a twelve-year-old girl! I mean I-I have a son, who’s umm six and I still think of him as a baby. Paul: You have a son? Ross: Yeah, well my-my ex-wife and I share custody of Ben and umm, uh, and just so you know, Carol and I are on excellent terms as I’m sure you are with your wife! It’s unbelievable! Paul: Don’t worry about it, I just didn’t realize you were married. Rachel: Oh we were, but that was just a , I mean that was just a big drunken mistake. Ross: You’re back. Paul: You two were married?! Rachel: Oh! Whoops! I’m sorry, you were talking about Emily! Monica: Chandler, we said we would meet at the coffeehouse at six. Chandler: We said seven! Monica: We said six! Chandler: The only way that I said six would be if the seven’s, let meet at seven, not at six. Monica: Yeah and if I had seven, maybe I would’ve said something like this, "Wow! My boyfriend’s such a wise ass—seven!" Phoebe: Hi! Chandler: Oh my good God. Monica: Ugh! Phoebe: I know what time you said. Chandler: What?! Phoebe: Well actually, I know what time Chester and Marcia said. Monica: What time? Phoebe: Quite an interesting turn of events, suddenly it’s my book to the rescue, huh? Ooh, very interesting. Yeah, well this certainly clears things up. Chandler: What does it say?! Phoebe: I will tell you as soon as you thank me for writing my book. Chandler: Thank you for writing your book. Its-its uh, great book and you are the queen of everything. Phoebe: Thanks! So are you. Chandler: Phoebe: Marcia and Chester are planning on seeing a movie on Sunday night. Marcia thinks they’re supposed to meet at six, Chester thinks it’s at seven. Chandler: So you knew we were gonna miss the movie! Phoebe: That’s right. Monica: Inside of telling us you decided to write in your stupid book! Phoebe: Marcia and Chester are mad at Phyllis. Joey: I can’t believe I’m going to lose this job! Chandler: Oh I’m so sorry man! Is there anything I can do? Joey: Yeah! Help me get this mini-fridge past the security guard. Wayne: Hey Joey, I want to talk to you. Joey: Yeah? Well, I don’t want to talk to you Wayne! I hate you! You ruined my life! Oh, Chandler, Wayne. Wayne, Chandler. Chandler: Hi, how are ya? Wayne: Joey, Joey, I-I-I’ll g-get you your job back if you help me out. Joey: Why should I help you?! Chandler: The reason he just said. Joey: What do you need? Wayne: I-I-I saw you on stage talking to that beautiful woman, y’know Sarah? Joey: Yeah? Wayne: I wish I could talk to her. Joey: What are you in love with her or something? Wayne: Yeah. Her. All of them. Anyone. Chandler: Yeah, I’ve been there my friend. Wayne: Listen, I-I guarantee you keep your job if you can teach me how to talk to women like you do. Joey: Oh wow Wayne, it’s not really something you can teach y’know? It’s pretty much something you’re born with if you——You-you can teach it! I’ll show you right how to do it. Rachel: I mean if you think about it, I mean Ross did learn something from each marriage. Paul: How to make the next one even shorter? Rachel: Now wait a minute that’s not fair. He was married to me a hell of a lot longer than he was married to Emily, he just didn’t tell me. Paul: Well, this is fun. So Ross, did you kill any of these wives? Ross: Y’know what? I-I-I… I-I have had enough of this! Y’know, I-I-I care a great deal about your daughter and I have treated her with nothing but respect! So if-if you’ve got a problem with me, frankly… Paul: Are you yelling at me?! Ross: God no! Elizabeth: Y’know what daddy? If you don’t like Ross, that’s fine. It doesn’t matter to me, I’m gonna go out with him anyway. Paul: Really?! Ross: Well if it doesn’t matter to her, it doesn’t matter to me! Still not yelling! Paul: Wow. What can I say? This doesn’t make me like you any better! Ross: That’s okay, I’m not so crazy about myself right now either. Paul: Then we agree? Ross: Uh yeah, I guess—Yeah! I guess so. Paul: Neither of us like Ross! Elizabeth: I like Ross. Ross: Ohhh! Kids! Rachel: Wait-wait-wait, I just thought of another story about how nice Ross is! Ross: That’s okay Rach, we’re not liking Ross right now. Rachel: Oh! I’ve got a lot of those too! Ending Credits Joey: Well, it turns out you were right C.H.E.E.S.E. C.H.E.E.S.E.: The shipment never made it through Omaha? Joey: You got it! And the rabbi’s beard, 100% horsehair. Nice catch C.H.E.E.S.E.! Wayne! Wayne!! End Teleplay by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer Story by: Brian Caldirola Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Phoebe: Hi, you guys. Chandler: Hey! Monica: Hi! Rachel: What’s the matter? Phoebe: Well it’s just—it’s one of those situations that I just hate. Y’know? A massage client gave me three tickets to the Helmet-Pelts exhibit at the Morgan Chase museum. Joey: Now you’re thinking you gotta sleep with him. Phoebe: No! No! It’s just that he gave me three tickets and there are six of us! Chandler: I’ll give up my ticket. Joey: Me too. Phoebe: Okay that’s so generous! Chandler: And I think Ross is generous too. Phoebe: Great! Okay then it’s just us girls! Monica and Rachel: Great. Phoebe: Yeah. Rachel: So what-what is the exhibit. Phoebe: It’s mostly just photographs of lesbian love scenes interspersed with video games and free sandwiches. Joey: Oh man! Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey Ross listen Chandler got you out of going to the lesbian sandwich museum this weekend! Ross: Thanks? But I have plans; Elizabeth and I are going out of town. Monica: Oh that’s great! Ross: Yeah. Monica: I mean think about all the money that you’re gonna make! Ross: Why? What? Monica: Well, her father pays you for baby-sitting right? Ross: No, no, that’s funny. But maybe it’s time to move on, let it go, y’know? Stop it! Besides, Rachel is going out with Elizabeth’s father, so ah, he’s much older than she is. Looks like I’m not the only one interested in fossils, huh? Rachel: I mean Ross all that does is remind us that you are interested in fossils. Ross: Okay, okay. Uh, well uh, Rachel is going to need to yell sweet nothings in his ear. Chandler: Ross. Ross: Oh, come on you guys; that’s funny! Y’know? Because he’s need—he’s got like a hearing aide y’know, ‘cause-‘cause y’know, ‘cause he’s all old, and… Paul: Okay look, Ross, just so you know that since Lizzie likes you so much, I’ve decided to accept the fact that you’re going out with her. Ross: Really? That okay, that’s great. Paul: Yeah. But then I changed my mind. I’m funny like that. So I told Lizzie, now I’m telling you, I don’t want you seeing my daughter anymore. Ross: All right look, I-I realize it upsets you. Paul: Yes it does. Ross: But, Elizabeth and I are-are both adults and so I don’t think there’s really anything you can do about it. Paul: I’ll call the university and tell them about your relationship and have you fired. Ross: Ohh! A man with a plan! Opening Credits Phoebe: Oh, this is so exciting! You get your picture back up on the wall of fame! Eek! Joey: I know. It was so cool when I was up there before. Me and Jim Belushi would just be crackin’ up about something… Then I get fired off of Days Of Our Lives and he takes me down. Now he’s just laughing at me. Look at him, that smug Belushi bastard, I’ll… Phoebe: Yeah I know; we’d be great together! Joey: Hey! So I’m back. The Dry Cleaner: Who are you? Joey: Joey Tribbiani! From the wall! Huh? Okay eh-ah-anyway, I’m ready to go back up on the wall I’m the star of a new TV show. The Dry Cleaner: Show me in the table. Joey: Oh well, it’s not on TV yet. The Dry Cleaner: Well, then it’s not on the wall yet. Joey: Okay, fine, I will bring you a tape, huh? Phoebe: So umm, now do you have any of Matt Lauer’s clothes here? Maybe? Just ones that haven’t been cleaned yet? Monica: Oh, I love museums! Rachel: Umm. Monica: Soakin’ up all the culture. Rachel: Yeah. Monica: Where do you want to start? Rachel: Ooh, the gift shop! Monica: Yeah! Phoebe: Hey, and then lunch. Rachel: Oh, wait yes, but I can’t eat too much. Paul is taking me out to dinner tonight, he said he has a big surprise planned. Phoebe: Oh wow. What, do you think maybe he’s gonna tell you that he’s gay? Rachel: What?! No! Why?! Phoebe: No reason! That would just be a really big surprise, right? The Museum Official: Rachel: I didn’t know you could get married here. Monica: This would be a beautiful place to get married, yeah, but I wouldn’t put the aisle there and I would never have the ceremony there! The Museum Official: May I help you? Rachel: Oh sorry didn’t mean to interrupt. It’s just such a beautiful space; do you do a lot of weddings here? The Museum Official: Yes. We’re very popular. There’s a two-year waiting list. Sorry! Rachel: Monica, you should totally put your name down on the list Monica: What?! Are you crazy?! I’m not getting married! I’m not even engaged. Phoebe: Yeah, but there’s a two-year wait. And then what if you get engaged in two years and then you got to wait another two years for this place. That’s four years. Chandler’s not gonna wait that long. He’s gonna find somebody else, y’know? Someone, someone who did put their name on the list. Rachel: Yeah hon, it can’t hurt to put your name down! I mean in if two years if you’re not engaged you just don’t use it. Monica: Well, I mean I guess there is no harm in putting my name down. Rachel: I’m gonna do it too! Phoebe: Me too! Rachel: Really? Who would, who would you marry? Phoebe: I don’t know, I don’t have anyone right now. Y’know? Rachel: Oh Pheebs. Phoebe: Don’t feel too sorry for me. At least my boyfriend isn’t gay. Monica: Phoebe, that stuff is… Phoebe: Don’t even get me started on yours! Joey: Hey! So, did you watch the tape of my show? The Dry Cleaner: I did. Joey: All right, let’s get me back up there! The Dry Cleaner: No! It don’t go up on the wall! Joey: What—But you saw the show! The Dry Cleaner: Yes, it was very offensive to my people! Joey: Dry cleaners? The Dry Cleaner: Russians! It showed them as terrorists and villains! Joey: Okay! Okay, look! You-you-you got Harrison Ford up there! The Dry Cleaner: That’s right. Mr. Ford is a very good customer, he brings us a lot of clothes; you bring us nothing! Joey: Okay well that may be true. But, in-in okay, Air Force One the Russians were terrorists! And evil! And plus he kills a bunch of them! That-that-that’s offensive to Russians. The Dry Cleaner: I’ve never seen it! Joey: Oh you should, it’s great. Ross: This place is really beautiful! Elizabeth: Yeah, I’ve been coming here since I was a kid. This used to be my Grandma’s. Ross: Wow! The only thing I got from my Grandmother was her eyes. I mean not-not her actual eyeballs, but, but people say that my eyes—Do-do you want to make out? Elizabeth: Sure! Elizabeth: Are you okay? What’s wrong? Ross: Ehh, I was just, I was just thinking about your father. Elizabeth: Well, whatever works for ya… Ross: No. No-no uh, he just, he just really freaked me out before. Elizabeth: Oh. Well, so we have to hide our relationship from one more person. Big deal. Besides, it’s kinda fun hiding. Ross: Yeah. Elizabeth: Hey umm, you brought protection right? Ross: Ohh. Oh, protection. Yeah-no, yeah-no, that-that-that I forgot. Elizabeth: I’ll just run to the store and get some. Ross: Oh no! Hey-hey, I’m the guy! I’ll get it. Elizabeth: Do you know where the store is? Ross: No. Elizabeth: Do you want to ride around town on my little pink bicycle? Ross: A little bit. Elizabeth: I’ll be back in ten minutes. Ross: Okay. Elizabeth: Why don’t you get in the hot tub and I’ll meet you there. Ross: Ohh, okay. Rachel: Oh my God, what a great surprise! This is such a beautiful house. Paul: Thank you, it’s my mom’s. So this is the kitchen. Chandler: Yeah we are. The Museum Official: Chandler: Yes, the groom—No! Not the groom!! Commercial Break Rachel: It’s so secluded up here. Paul: I know. I like it up here. Rachel: I feel like we’re the only two people in the world. Paul: What’s the matter honey? Did you see a little mouse? Rachel: No-no! Big bear! Big bear outside! I think I-I—would you—actually, would you go check on that? Paul: Honey, we don’t have any bears here. Rachel: Well, okay. Would-would you get me a Diet Coke? Paul: Okay. I’ll be right back. Rachel: Okay. What?! What are you doing here?! Ross: What are you doing here?! Rachel: I came with Paul! Ross: Yeah, I recognize the ankles! Rachel: Get up! Paul: Rachel: Ahh. Thank you! Paul: Diet Coke. Rachel: Op, ice. I need ice. Paul: Okay. Rachel: Thank you. Paul: I’ll be right back. Ross: You and your ice. Rachel: Ugh! Get out! Get out! Go! Come on! Ross: Did you really hear a bear? Rachel: Go-go! Paul: Here you go honey. One Diet Coke with ice. Rachel: Ohh, thank you. Paul: I’m so happy that you’re here. Elizabeth: Here I am! Paul: Elizabeth! Oh look, Elizabeth’s here! Who are you talking to? Elizabeth: Uh, you guys? Paul: How did you know we were here? Elizabeth: Umm… Rachel: Well, she-she ob-obviously saw the tire tracks that were leading up to the closed garage. Elizabeth: Obviously. Paul: Elizabeth, what are you doing here?! Rachel: Did-did you come up here to work on that term paper or something? Elizabeth: Yeah! Yep. Rachel: Well, why do y’know go in that room and do your homework? Elizabeth: Ohh, I wouldn’t do it in there. That’s my dad’s bedroom. Rachel: That’s your, that’s your dad’s bedroom. That’s your dad’s bedroom! Paul: Why are you yelling? Rachel: Whoa, that Diet Coke just went straight to my head! Woo! Monica: Hi, honey. Chandler: Monica: What? I-I bought groceries, I was gonna make you dinner! Chandler: The Museum Official: Hi, this is Heldi from the Morgan Chase museum. I’m calling for Monica Geller. Monica: Oh no! The Museum Official: I want to let her know that there was a cancellation and if she’s still interested in having the Bing-Geller wedding at our facility, it is available… Monica: Oh please, he didn’t hear it! He didn’t hear it!! Chandler: Monica: NOOOO!!!!!!!! Female Clerk: Can I help you? Joey: Uh yeah, where-where’s the guy who decides who’s pictures go up on the wall? Female Clerk: He’s not here right now. Joey: Oh, you’re kidding me! All-all right, well make sure you tell him that Joey Tribbiani stopped by to drop off all of these clothes. Okay? I’m an actor; I’m kinda getting my picture up there on the wall. Female Clerk: Y’know, there are two people who could put your picture up there. Joey: Oh really? Well, maybe you and I go out for drinks? Paul: So Lizzie, are-are-are you planning on staying the night? Elizabeth: Oh no-no believe me, I’m leaving as soon as possible! Paul: Good. Good. Not that we don’t want you to stay, obviously you’re welcome—How much more homework do you have? Elizabeth: Ahh, I just have one problem left that I do not know how to solve. Uhh, Rachel maybe you want to come upstairs and help me figure it out? Rachel: Really? Okay. Okay, I-I’ll go upstairs. If-if you get me something from the car. Paul: What do you need from the car? Rachel: Surprise me. Paul: Rachel: So you’re gonna be in the car, I will be upstairs, and that’s where everybody’s gonna be! Paul: Monica: Phoebe! Phoebe: Yeah? Monica: Have you seen Chandler?! Phoebe: No! Why? Monica: The woman from the museum called and said that there was a cancellation and that we could move up our wedding and Chandler heard! I know! How bad is this?! Phoebe: Well for the regular guy, it’s bad, but Chandler, Oh dear God! Monica: I know! I know! And he totally freaked out and I can’t find him anywhere! Phoebe: What are you gonna do? Monica: Well, I’m never gonna listen to you again, that’s for sure! "Y’know, harm can it do if you go and put your name down?" Phoebe: Rachel said that! Monica: Well Rachel’s not here! Phoebe: Oh! Here it is! Joey: I didn’t do that! Who would’ve done that?! The Dry Cleaner: Son of a bitch! Phoebe: Okay, maybe ask this guy. The Dry Cleaner: You, get out of my shop! Phoebe: Well, what did he do? The Dry Cleaner: He went out with my wife! Phoebe: Joey! Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, I-I—Hey! I did not go out with your wife! The Dry Cleaner: That’s my wife!!! Get out! Phoebe: Well, we should go. Joey: Yeah. Elizabeth: Ross? Ross? Ross: Elizabeth! I’ll meet you at the front door. Just tell them you’re going home, okay? Elizabeth: Okay! Rachel: Oh wait-wait-wait!! No! Don’t go in there! Don’t go in there! I need another soda! Paul: Ross! Rachel: Oh my God Ross! What in heaven’s name are you doing here? Ross: And that is why we cannot see each other anymore. Paul: Ross. You and I are going to have to have a little talk. Elizabeth: Daddy! Paul: You’re next!! Elizabeth: Okay. I didn’t know he was here. Paul: Let me just see if I got this straight. I tell you to stay away from my daughter or I’ll have you fired. What you heard was, "Take my daughter, come up to my country house, and ruin my weekend with Rachel!" Ross: Okay, please-please Paul, just let me explain… Paul: No, let me explain! Fired!! Ross: All right, fine! Fine! Have me fired! But uh, I want you to know that you and I are not all that different. I mean, I too am a neat guy. Paul: What? Ross: And I too am just a love machine. Paul: Ross, let me show you where the guest room is. Monica: I’m so sorry. Please, stop freaking out. Chandler: I’m not freaking out. Why would I be freaking out? A woman named Heldi called and said we were getting married, but that happens everyday. Monica: Honey, we were at this beautiful place, and I-I-I just put our names down for fun! I mean, what’s the harm in that? Chandler: Right here! Monica: Chandler, please don’t think I was trying to pressure you. Phoebe and Rachel… Chandler: Phoebe and Rachel! So the people that knew about our wedding before me were you, Phoebe and Rachel, Heldi, and apparently some band called Starlight Magic 7 who are available by the way! Monica: It was a mistake. Please don’t take this to mean anything, because it doesn’t. Chandler: Okay. Monica: Really? Chandler: Yes, if it really doesn’t mean anything, because you know that I’m just not ready… Monica: I know! I know. Chandler: Okay. Monica: I’m gonna go tell Joey that Phoebe: Hey, did she buy it? Chandler: Totally. Phoebe: So did Heldi show you the place? Chandler: Yeah, it’s beautiful. Phoebe: I can’t believe you’re gonna ask Monica to marry you! Chandler: I know. Ending Credits Joey: Hey Gunther. Gunther: Hey! Take these cappuccinos to table 11 and that guy over there wants the biscotti. Joey: Oh uh, well I just came in for a cup of coffee to go. Gunther: Do you still work here? Joey: No! No, I quit a long time ago. Did I forget to you that one? I’m sorry. Gunther: Oh that’s cool, I was gonna fire you anyway. Joey: Great! End Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Chandler: Pheebs, can you help me pick out an engagement ring for Monica? I can’t figure this out! It’s so hard! Should I get her a Tiffany cut or a Princess cut or a—ah-ah! Paper cut! Phoebe: Now, have you told anyone else? Chandler: No, I don’t want to tell anybody else because I don’t want Monica to find out. Phoebe: You told me. Chandler: Well, it’s because I trust you, you’re one of my best friends, and you walked in on me when I was looking at ring brochures. Phoebe: Yeah well, once again not knocking pays off. I only wish you hadn’t been on the toilet. Chandler: Me too. Joey: Hey. Chandler: Hey. Phoebe: Hey! So Chandler, wanna go to the coffeehouse? Chandler: Oh all right. Phoebe: Yeah, coffeehouse. Ross: Oh perfect, we were just gonna see if you wanted to go. Chandler: Oh well, we don’t because we got…the…other pl-place. Ross: How rude. Joey: Oh, I’m sorry. You wanna bite? Opening Credits Phoebe: So how are things going with Paul? Rachel: Good. Although y’know, he-he’s a private guy. Y’know, I wish I could get him to open up a little bit, share some feelings. Phoebe: That’s easy! You just have to think of him as a-as a jar of pickles that won’t open. Rachel: So what are you saying; I should run him under hot water and bang his head against a table? Phoebe: No that’s what you do when you want to get the truth out of someone. Paul: Hi honey. Rachel: Hi! Phoebe: Watch this. Paul: How are you? Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: Hi Paul! Paul: Hi Phoebe. Phoebe: So how are things going with you? Paul: Can’t complain. Paul: Come on. Rachel: Okay. Paul: Hey! Ross: Hi! Paul: Ross! Ross: Great to see you! Paul: Good to see you too! Ross: How you doing? Paul: Good. Bye! Ross: Okay! You take care! Ross: Hey Pheebs, what-what was the deal with you and Chandler blowing us off before? Phoebe: Yeah! That was so weird, huh? Ross: Phoebe, why’d you do it? Phoebe: I didn’t do it! It was Chandler! He’s… He’s mad at you! Ross: What?! Why?! Phoebe: Please, I think you know why. Ross: I can’t think of anything. Phoebe: Come on Ross, you’re a paleontologist, dig a little deeper. Ross: Wait a minute, is it because Joey and I didn’t invite him to that Knicks game a couple of weeks ago? Phoebe: Do you think that’s something that he’d be mad at you for? Ross: I guess it could. Phoebe: Well then I think that’s it. Ross: Well, if he’s angry, he really shouldn’t just cover it up. I-I wish he would just tell me the truth. Phoebe: Oh, if that’s what you want you then you really should run his head under hot water and bang his head against a table. Paul: Honey I made a reservation at China Garden, is that okay? Rachel: Yeah that’s great. But first, wait, talk to me, talk to me. Tell me about your day. Paul: It was fine. Rachel: Okay. Hey, what are you thinking? What are you thinking right now? Paul: I’m thinking that you are looking really fine it that dress. Rachel: Yeah that’s great Paul, but y’know I wanna know what——Wow, those are really great! I just wanna know what, what is behind this-this strong, silent exterior. Y’know they say that still waters run deep and I wanna swim in yours. Paul: Are you talking about having sex? Rachel: No Paul, I don’t know anything about you! Y’know, like-like your childhood! Tell me about your childhood! Paul: Normal. Rachel: Okay, well then how about puberty! Come on, that’s always a painful time! Y’know your friends invite you to a slumber party and then they stick your hand in warm water while you’re sleeping so that you pee in your sleeping bag. Paul: Nope! That never happened to me! Rachel: Well, you’re lucky you never met that bitch Sharon Majesky. Anyway, umm… The rest of you life, y’know? Any regrets? Paul: Nope. Rachel: All right Paul, I’m not asking for a lot here. Okay? Just give me something. Anything! Paul: Okay. Rachel: Okay. Paul: Okay. Rachel: All right. Paul: When I was six years old. Rachel: Hm-mmm. Paul: I wanted a big wheel. And instead my parents got me this little plastic chicken that you hop around on. It was embarrassing; kids made fun of me. That was a pretty tough year. Rachel: That’s-that’s great! See? I already feel like I know you a little better! Thank you. Okay, come on. Now we can go eat. Let’s go. Paul: It was horrible. They called me chicken boy. Rachel: Oh! Paul: And in fifth grade I got into a fight. Well, it wasn’t really a fight. Richard Darinvel bit me on the nose and, and I feel down. I still have a little scare right here you can see it. Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, I-I-I see the scare. Listen, Paul, I think this is really great that-that y’know, you shared your feelings. It’s really, it’s beautiful, but umm, what do you say we go share some food? Paul: Oh, I couldn’t eat now. Rachel: What?! Wait! What are you talking about?! You love their Kung Pao Chicken! Paul: Chicken? Chicken boy! Rachel: My God, I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to do that! I wouldn’t do that! Chandler: Nothin! This is the nine millionth ring store we’ve been too and I can’t find the perfect ring! Phoebe: Okay, so maybe you don’t get her a ring. Maybe you-maybe you do something different. Y’know? Maybe you get her an engagement bracelet, y’know? Or an engagement tiara? Or—ooh! An engagement Revolutionary War musket! (Picks one up from the display in the corner. Chandler: Y’know, I’m so glad I picked you to help me with this. Phoebe: Huh? Can you just imagine getting down on one knee and handing her this gorgeous piece of weaponry? Chandler: Yeah, I’m gonna stick with the ring. I like this one! Sir? Uh, kind sir? Can I see this one? Phoebe: Wait a minute, no, this is, this is the reason you brought me. Okay? I know how to haggle. So let me handle this from here on out. Male Jeweler: Can I help you? Chandler: Uh-uh, yes. I would like to see that ring please. Phoebe: Or not, whatever. Male Jeweler: This ring is from the 1920s, it’s a one and a half carat diamond with sapphires on either side. Chandler: Sir, can I ask you to umm, could you…hold out that ring and ask me to marry you? Male Jeweler: Okay. Will you marry me? Chandler: Oh my God that’s it, that’s the ring! How much is it? Phoebe: Chandler, I-I will handle this! How much is it? Male Jeweler: 8,600. Phoebe: We will give you $10. Male Jeweler: Are you interested in this ring?! Chandler: Yes! Yes, but I can only pay $8,000. Male Jeweler: Okay, I can let it go at eight. Phoebe: We stand firm at $10. Male Jeweler: How would you like to pay? Chandler: Uh, credit card. Okay, I’ll go get it. You guard the ring. Phoebe: Okay. Listen, I’m sorry about before. Do you have anything her for $10. Male Jeweler: Uh yes, I have these two rather beautiful $5 bills. Phoebe: I’ll give you $1 for them. Ross: Hey, remember how Chandler and Phoebe blew us off yesterday? Joey: No. Ross: Remember? You-you were eating pizza. Joey: Yeah. Ross: Okay. Well, apparently Chandler’s angry at us for not getting him a ticket to that Knicks game a couple of weeks ago. Joey: Oh, we’re supposed to just get him a ticket?! That guy is always mooching off of us! Ross: Yeah! Anyway, I-I still think we should try to patch things up, y’know? Like uh, maybe we could get him to get tickets to another Knicks game and invite him. Joey: Oh wow that’s a great idea! And I still have his credit card. Gunther: Here you go. Ross: Oh. Joey: Hey-hey-hey-ho-ho, I got this one. Here you go. Y’know I gotta tell ya, sometimes I just—I don’t get Chandler. Y’know, me and him do stuff all the time without you and you don’t get all upset. Ross: All the time? Joey: All the time! Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God!! Monica: Still crying? Rachel: Like a little girl. I know. I know. I know. This is all my fault; I wanted him to open up. But God, I didn’t know that I was gonna unleash this-this weepy, clingy, moist monster! Monica: Y’know, I only know of two surefire ways to shut a man up. And one of them is sex. Rachel: What’s the other one? Monica: I don’t know, I’ve never had to use the other one. I’m just saying y’know, if we’re having sex, he’s not gonna be talking. Rachel: Oh that’s right. You’re the talker. Anyway uh, great idea! Umm, I gotta go to the store; I told him that I would buy him some more tissues. Monica: Oh, we have some… Rachel: No you don’t! Phoebe: Okay umm, I’d also like to try on the tiara. What do you think, too much? Male Jeweler: A tad. Phoebe: Okay. Then, take the tiara back and let me hold the musket again. Something’s missing. It’s not… Okay oh, let me see the ring my friend picked out. Male Jeweler: Where’s the 1920s princess cut ring. Female Jeweler: I just sold it to that gentleman. Phoebe: Oh my God!! Commercial Break Paul: Rachel? Chandler: No. How are ya Paul? Paul: Okay. Chandler, did your dad ever hug you? Chandler: No, did he hug you?! Paul: No! No! It’s just that, my dad never did. I miss my dad. Chandler: Well, you can see my dad in Vegas kissing other dads. Paul: Hey Chandler? Chandler: Yeah? Paul: Would you…….Would you hug me? Chandler: I’m a little busy here Paul. Paul: That’s exactly what my dad used to say! Chandler: Okay, a quick one. Come on hug it out. Paul: Five more seconds. Chandler: Okay! Joey: Hey! Paul: Joey! Joey: Whoa-whoa-hey-hey! Chandler: Do you have my credit card? Joey: Yes, it’s in my… In…in my pocket. My back pocket! My back pocket! Chandler: Thank God! Joey: Oh hey listen I got us tickets to a Knicks game tonight. Chandler: Oh, I can’t go. Joey: Come on! It’ll be fun! Me, you, and Ross, and… Paul probably… Phoebe: Chandler, I found the perfect ring. Chandler: Oh, that’s uh, that’s pretty nice but I’m gonna go with the one I picked first. Phoebe: Oh my God Chandler, the one you picked is gone. It’s over! Chandler: What? Phoebe: Some guy bought it. I’m sorry. I tired to stop it but they put me in jail! Chandler: They put you in jail? Phoebe: The little jail between the doors! Chandler: Phoebe, I asked you to guard the ring! Phoebe: I know, I’m sorry! But y’know, this ring is better! Monica never even saw the other ring. Chandler: Yeah but when he proposed to me with the ring I got goose bumps. Phoebe: Maybe it was the guy. Chandler: It was the ring! Ross: Hey! So uh, was he excited about the tickets? Joey: No! He blew us off! Ross: What?! Joey: I know! Ross: I can’t believe it. Can I tell you something? I’m a little mad at him now. Joey: Can I tell you something? Me too. Ross: Y’know what? He didn’t want to talk to us about being angry, well maybe we don’t talk to him at all! Joey: Ooooh! Freeze him out. Ross: That’s right! Joey: I like it! Ross: Eh? We’ll show him! Joey: From now on, it’s gonna be Joey and Ross, best friends. Okay! We’re gonna be the new Joey and Chandler. Rachel: Hi. I’m back. Paul: Hey! I have so much more to tell ya, I’ve written it all down! Rachel: Ah that’s great. No actually that’s… That’s great! That’s really great! Y’know, I gotta tell ya writing, I mean writing, gets me uh, gets me kinda hot. Paul: Wait! Wait! Listen! Listen to this! Y’know what I wanted to be when I was that age? Rachel: A lover? Paul: A surfer. Rachel: Oh yeah surfer? Paul: I wanted to be one with the waves, y’know? Rachel: Okay, hold on real quick, hold on a second let me just uh, get a little more comfortable here. Wait, now wait a second, this isn’t too revealing is it? Paul: So full of dreams… Rachel: I don’t care about the little dude! I can’t! I cannot listen to anymore of this! Y’know, the only person who would want to listen to this is a mental health professional! And then it’s only because they get paid $100 an hour! Do you know how much money I could’ve made listening to you? $2,000! And do you know when I figured that out? While you were talking! Paul: What?! I can’t believe you’re trying to stifle me! When just 14 hours ago we figured out that that is exactly what my mother was trying to do to me! Rachel: Oh… I’m sorry. I… I-I don’t mean—I didn’t mean to stifle you. I… This is all just a little overwhelming. Paul: Oh Rachel, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to overwhelm you. It’s just that, when those gates open, you… Hard to close ‘em. But they are closed now. Believe me. Rachel: I’m so glad, I’m so glad you shared. Paul: I would really like that. Paul: That was…so good. Phoebe: Hey. Chandler: I can’t believe I let you talk me into buying this stupid gumball machine looking ring! Phoebe: It’s not a stupid gumball machine looking ring! It’s a beautiful ring! Chandler: No, it’s not! When I looked at the other ring I could see Monica’s face when I gave it to her, y’know? And I could see her saying yes. When I look at this ring, all I see is a ring! Unless I look at it really closely and then I can see my own eye. Look, this is the most important thing I’m gonna do in my life. I wanna make sure it’s perfect. Phoebe: Okay. There may be a way that we can get the other ring back. ‘Cause I heard the guy tell the jeweler where he was going to propose. So maybe we can get him to trade rings or something. Chandler: I can’t do that. Phoebe: Well you certainly can’t give her that stupid gumball ring. Phoebe: There he is! Chandler: Okay and he hasn’t proposed yet because she has no ring on her finger. Phoebe: Wow! You’re good! After this, we should solve crimes. Chandler: Yeah! Okay, go, go, go get him. Phoebe: Oh, okay. Excuse me sir? Could you come with me please? You have a phone call. Customer: Who is it? Phoebe: It is your office. Customer: Do you know who at my office? Phoebe: John? Customer: Oh John! Great! Phoebe: Here he is. Chandler: Ew. Phoebe: Wow! I would trade. Customer: It is beautiful, but I’m gonna use this one. Now, if you’ll excuse me. Chandler: No-no! This is my fiancee and her heart was set on that ring. You don’t want to break her heart now do you? Phoebe: Yeah, do you want to break a dying woman’s heart? Customer: You’re dying?! Chandler: Yeah, she’s dying… Of a cough apparently. Phoebe: Yes, and it is my dying wish to have that ring. See, if I’m not buried with that ring then my spirit is going to wander the nether world for all eternity… Chandler: Okay, that’s enough honey! Customer: I don’t know. Let me see the ring. Chandler: Great! Okay, here. Customer: Chandler: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! Hey! I’m marrying a dead woman! Chandler: Guys? I’m gonna ask Monica to marry me. Joey: I think we gotta end the freeze out. Ross: Wait a minute, is this, is this for real? Chandler: Yeah, check out the ring. Joey: Oh my God!! Ross: So you two are really serious?! Chandler: Yep, pretty much. Ross: You-you’re gonna get married?! I mean… We’re gonna be brothers-in-law! Joey: And-and-and-and-and-and, and we’re gonna be friends again! Chandler: Heyyyy—What? Joey: Oh it’s water under the bridge, forget it! Chandler: Okay! I was gonna wait ‘til uh, it was official y’know? But I got so excited I just had to tell you guys because you’re my best friends. Joey: I think I’m gonna cry! Rachel: Ugh! No more crying! Please! I just dumped one cry baby, I’ll dump you too! Chandler: I’m gonna ask Monica to marry me. Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh Chandler!! You guys are gonna be so happy! Chandler: I know. Joey: Ending Credits Chandler: Check out the ring. Rachel: Nice! One and a half carat easy. Phoebe: Hi. Ross: Hey-hey Pheebs! Phoebe: What? Ross: Chandler’s gonna ask Monica to marry him! Phoebe: Oh I know, I helped pick out the ring. Ross: You told her before you told us? Chandler: Well, she walked in when I was looking at the ring brochures. You can understand that, right? End Part I Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri Part II Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Parts I and II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Ross: God that is the most beautiful engagement ring ever! Rachel: Yeah? Well, you should know. You’ve bought like a billion of ‘em. Ross: Yeah, you didn’t get one. Chandler: Okay, well tonight’s the big night. Phoebe: Yeah! Joey: Okay listen, how are you gonna ask her? Chandler: It is going to be perfect. I am taking her to her favorite restaurant. I’m going to get her a bottle of the champagne that she really loves; therefore knows how expensive it is. Then when the glasses are full, instead of proposing a toast I’m just gonna propose. Rachel: Ohh… Joey: That sounds perfect! Chandler: Yeah. Joey: You’re gonna mess it up let me do it. Chandler: I’m not gonna mess it up. Phoebe: If she says no, can I have the ring? Chandler: She’s not gonna say no. Phoebe: If! Monica: Hey! Ross: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Phoebe: Hi Monica. Chandler: Give me it! Phoebe: It’s gone. Chandler: Phoebe! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hi Monica. Phoebe: Opening Credits Rachel: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey Rach! Rachel: Are any of you guys free tonight? My boss is hosting this charity event for underprivileged kids and the more people I bring, the better I look. So, Monica? Chandler? Chandler: Well, Monica and Chandler can’t go. We’re going to dinner remember?! Rachel: Oh my God, I’m so sorry. Monica: What’s the big deal? Chandler: I just get mad when Rachel doesn’t remember where we’re going. Joey: Where are you going? Rachel: How about you guys? Phoebe: Open bar? Rachel: I think so. Phoebe: I can do that for the kids. Joey: Hey, y’know what? I’ll come too. I’m making money now; it’s about time I give something back. Chandler: Well, you could also give back the money you owe me. Joey: Okay. Have a benefit. Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Ross, listen can you come to a charity event tonight? Ross: Oh no, I have plans with Elizabeth. Chandler: Oh, so you’re already doing your part for the kids. Ross: I’m sorry, it’s just one of my last nights together before she leaves for camp—to be a counselor! Monica: Ross let me ask you a question. All jokes aside, where is this relationship going? Chandler: Wait a minute, all jokes aside? I didn’t agree to that! Monica: Do you really see this as a long-term thing? Ross: I don’t know. Phoebe: Y’know, you are 12 years older than her. Ross: Wait a minute, does-does everyone feel this way? All: Yeah! Yeah, sort of. I’m sorry. Ross: Uh-uh—Wow! Uh, I thought you guys were just like making jokes, I had no idea. What you know what? You guys are wrong. Uh yes, there is a chronological age difference but I never notice it. You know why? Because she is very mature. Besides, it doesn’t really matter to me what you guys think. I mean, I’m the one dating Elizabeth, not you! Joey: That’s not what she said last night. Rachel: See? Now, he could date her. Chandler: Will you marry me? Will you marry me? What’s going on little elves? Joey: It’s the big night! We wanted to wish you good luck! Ross: Yeah, yeah you have the ring? Chandler: Yeah, right here in my pocket. Pheebs? Phoebe: Oh! Oop! Chandler: Okay, now will you guys get out of here? I want this is to be a surprise and she’s gonna know. Ross: Yeah-yeah you guys. Get out of here! Monica: Hi guys. Chandler: You are beautiful. Monica: Oh, thank you! What’s going on? Rachel: We’re just really…very excited about this charity event that we have to go to. Phoebe: Here. Rachel: Oh! Thank you! Phoebe: So now what’s going on here? Rachel: Uh well, uh this is a silent auction. They lay out all the stuff here and then you write down your offer and then the highest bid gets it. Phoebe: No, I know what a silent is I meant, what’s going on with your hair? Rachel: Uh, wh-why? Phoebe: No! It’s nice! Mr. Thompson: Nice to see you Rachel. Rachel: Oh, hi! Mr. Thompson: So glad you brought someone. Rachel: Someone? I brought people. Mr. Thompson, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, this is Mr. Thompson. He’s the head of my department. Phoebe: Oh, hi. Rachel: And I also brought my friend Joey… Joey: Rachel: Well, y’know I-I don’t know where he is. Mr. Thompson: Well, I hope you’re gonna bid on some things Rachel. Rachel: Well, y’know what? Actually, I was about to bid on this lovely trip to Paris. Mr. Thompson: Ohh, nice choice. Rachel: Yeah. Mr. Thompson: Good luck. Rachel: Thank you. twenty dollars. {Transcriber’s Note: Elizabeth has two friends in the room with her who are named in the credits, but not in this scene. So I’m just gonna guess since it doesn’t matter one way or the other. } Zoe: Shut the door! Shut the door!! Ross: What’s-what’s going on? Elizabeth: The guys across the hall are throwing water balloons at us. Ross: Oh, you have to call the police! That’s what I did to the kids in my building! Elizabeth: No, it’s a water balloon fight! We started it! Ross: Oh! Listen umm, I, I just stopped by to see if you wanted to see this play tonight. Umm, it’s supposed to be excellent. The director is the same… Elizabeth: Who drank all the Kamikazes? Sarah: Elizabeth: Ross: No! Okay! Okay! Okay, look, can I, can I just-just talk to you for a second? Elizabeth: Yeah, sure. Ross: Uh, so this play umm, what do you think? It’s-it’s gotten great reviews! Y’know the uh… First Dorm Guy: Attack! Second Dorm Guy: Put your balloons down! The Girls: You put your balloons down!! First Dorm Guy: You put your balloons down!! Ross: Mr. Thompson: Our next item is the romantic trip to Paris. It goes to Emil Alexander high a high bid of 2,300. Rachel: Ugh! So close! Phoebe: Hey you guys! Look! Joey: Hey! Phoebe: I got me some drinks! Rachel: What are you doing? Phoebe: Open bar! Rachel: Well now it’s an empty bar. Phoebe: You just can’t stand anyone else enjoying themselves can’t you? Mr. Thompson: And finally, our biggest item of the night, the 22-foot gentleman’s day sailer sailboat. The winning bid was a whooping $20,000! Joey: I won! That was my guess! Rachel: What?! What?! What?! Joey: I guessed 20,000! Rachel: Joey! It is an auction! You don’t guess, you buy! Joey: What?! I don’t have 20,000! Mr. Thompson: Congratulations on your new boat, Joey Tribbiani!! Rachel: Joey! Sit down! Phoebe: Forget her! You enjoy this!! (Pulls him back up and starts applauding again. Joey waves and does a salute.] Monica: What are you doing? Chandler: Monica: Are you okay? Chandler: Yes! Yes! I’m good! Are you good? Are you good? Is everything—are you—are you perrr-perfect?! Monica: Yeah. I’m okay. I’m actually—I’m a little cold, can I have your jacket? Chandler: Oh, yeah. Uh, no you can’t have my jacket! Because then I would be cold! If you thought that you were going to be cold, you should’ve brought your own jacket. But uh, other than that, are you okay? Are you okay? Monica: Are you sure you’re okay? Chandler: Yes! I’m fine. In fact I’ve been fine for a long time now and I think, the reason is you. Monica: Ohh that’s sweet! Chandler: Okay umm, before I meant you I had really little life and I couldn’t imagine growing old with… Monica: Oh my God! Chandler: I know, but just let me say it. Monica: Oh my God, Richard. Chandler: What?! I’m Chandler! Oh, that’s Richard! Monica: Oh God, maybe he won’t see us. Richard! Richard: Monica! Chandler! Chandler: Hey-hey, hey! I don’t know why I did that! Monica: Hey, it’s good to see you! Richard: You too, you let uh, your hair grow long. Monica: Yeah—Oh that’s right. You, you always wanted me too. Hey, I see you got your mustache back. Richard: Well, my nose got lonely. Chandler: I’m Chandler; I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable. Richard’s Date: Hi, I’m Lisa. Chandler: Hi. Richard: Oh, I’m sorry. Monica, Chandler. We used to date. Chandler: Richard! No one supposed to know about us! See I, did it again. Monica: Chandler, wh-why don’t we sit down? Chandler: Yeah, I’ll sit down. Monica: It’s good to see you Matire'd: You’re table’s ready sir. Richard: Oh. Good to see you guys. Chandler: Yes. Matire'd: Or if you prefer, this table is available. Richard: That might be fun. Commercial Break Rachel: What were you thinking?! Joey: I didn’t know it was an auction! Rachel: Wh?! Joey: I figured, take a guess, help a charity, free boat! Rachel: Why would a charity give away a free boat?! Joey: I don’t know! Charity? Rachel: Ugh! Phoebe: Well, just buy the damn boat! Rachel: Phoebe, don’t you think you’ve had enough to drink? Phoebe: I’m just helping the kids! Rachel: How is you drinking helping the kids? Phoebe: Because the more I drink, the less there is for the kids to drink. Mr. Thompson: Mr. Tribbiani. Joey: Oh hi! Mr. Thompson: Your generous contribution brings us a big step closer to building the youth center. Joey: Just out of curiosity, how-how much is that boat worth? Mr. Thompson: I think it was valued at 19,000 Joey: Uhh, so bad news. Umm, I can’t buy the boat, I don’t have any money. Rachel: Joey! Joey, good one! Mr. Thompson: That’s good. Very good! Joey: So uh listen, I think I’m gonna take off now. Rachel: Hey! You…can’t…leave Joey! You agreed to buy that boat, all right?! That is a contract! And plus if you leave, my boss is gonna kill me! Joey: Well, what am I gonna do Rach?! I don’t have that kind of money! Rachel: I know. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. All right, this is what we’re gonna do, we are gonna go to the next highest bidder, and we are just gonna let them buy it, and then you’re just gonna pay the difference. Joey: Okay. Rachel: Okay. Joey: Look, I don’t know why the kids need a youth center anyway! Y’know? They should just watch TV after school like I did and I turned out fine! Rachel: Not great. Monica: And so, we’re hiding in the bathroom. Richard: And-and then I sneak out and before Monica can her parents come in. Monica: So I hide in the shower and the next thing you know they’re going at it right on the bathroom floor. Lisa: Oh my God! {Transcriber’s Note: For further reading on the above story, please check out The One Where Joey Moves Out.} Chandler: I got a good one, I got a good one! I once walked in on both my parents making love to the same guy. Richard: It’s so great seeing you guys again. I’d like to make a toast. Uh, as a poet once said, "In the sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and sharing of pleasures for in the due of little things the heart finds it’s morning and is refreshed." Monica: Ohh. Chandler: What?! Ross: Oh my God, you guys!! Chandler: Before you say anything, have we got a story for you! Guess who we bumped into at dinner! Ross: Who? Chandler: Richard! Ross: What? Ohh. Oh that’s right that’s right. That’s Richard’s favorite place too. Chandler: Oh you knew that. Good! Monica: I thought you were going out with Elizabeth. Ross: Yeah, I was but uh, she was a little busy with a water balloon fight. Monica: Oh Ross, sometimes grown-ups have commitments they just can’t get out of! Ross: Y’know, maybe she is too young for me. Y’know, when I was over there and she was running around with her friends, I felt like I was a baby-sitter. I finally started to see what you guys were talking about. I don’t know what to do. Monica: Why don’t you just weigh out the good stuff about the relationship against the bad stuff. I mean that’s what I did when I first weighing stuff. Ross: Okay umm, bad stuff. Well, I’m-I’m 12 years older than she is. Monica: If the school finds out you’re fired. Ross: Hmm. Monica: She’s leaving for three months. Chandler: For camp! Ross: Okay, good stuff. Umm, well she’s-she’s sweet and pretty and… Monica: Look Ross, the only question you need to ask is, "Do you see a future?" I mean like do you see yourself marrying her? Oh my God! You did it already! You married her, didn’t you?! Ross: No! No! I…didn’t do that. It’s just… Okay, honestly no. I don’t, I don’t see a big future with her. Monica: Okay well I think…that’s your answer. Ross: I’ve got to talk to her. Ugh, I hate this part. Chandler: Hey, you have to forget about Elizabeth. I mean if you’re not careful you may not get married at all this year! Joey: Rach! Rachel! Okay, the next highest bidder is at table one. Rachel: Oh great! Joey: Oh and uh the guy who got the Paris trip is at table four. Phoebe: Oh, okay. Rachel: Why do you care about the guy who won the Paris trip? Phoebe: It’s a trip for two! Excuse me, is the person who won the Paris trip at this table? Emil Alexander: That was me. Phoebe: Oh, en chante. {Transcriber’s Note: Please correct my French here.} Joey: Uhh, excuse me is there a Mr. Bowmont at this table? Mr. Bowmont: That’s me. Joey: Ahh, yes. Rachel: Oh well, hello. This is your lucky day Mr. Bowmont, the uh gentleman day sailer as just become available again and I believe that you made a bid of $18,000. Joey: You-you have to pay that! It’s not just a guess. Rachel: Mr. Bowmont: I was actually relieved uh I didn’t win the boat. My wife would’ve killed me. Rachel: Ohh… Joey: Are you kidding me?! She’s gonna this boat! Rachel: Y-Yeah! What-what is your wife’s name? Mr. Bowmont: It’s Pam. Rachel: Pam! Oh God okay, just imagine this, "The Pam." Joey: Aw-awww! Mr. Bowmont: I don’t think she’d like that. Rachel: Okay, uh-uh imagine this, "The Mr. Bowmont." Joey: Oooooh… Mr. Bowmont: I don’t think so dear. Rachel: Okay look, let me paint you a little picture. —arms! You-you get all that peace and quiet that you’ve always wanted! You get back to nature! You can go fishin’! You can—ooh, you can get one of those little hats and have people call you captain, and then when you’re old, Cappy. Mr. Bowmont: What the hell, it’s for a good cause! All right! Joey: No way! It’s mine!! Rachel: What?! What?! Joey: All that stuff you just said? I want that! Rachel: But Joey you don’t have $20,000! Joey: Who cares?! I-I’ll make payments, whatever it takes, I want the Mr. Bowmont!! Joey: Oh my God, you’re back! Phoebe: Ohh, let me see it! Let me see your hand! Monica: Why do you want to see my hand? Phoebe: I wanna see what’s in your hand. I wanna see the trash. Joey: Yeah. Phoebe: Eww! Oh, it’s all dirty. You should throw this out. Monica: Chandler: What did you guys just do?! Phoebe: What happened? Chandler: Richard was there so I couldn’t do it! Joey: What?! Noooo… Chandler: I’m gonna do it tomorrow y’know, and-and surprise her, but now you’ve ruined it! Joey: We didn’t ruin it! Chandler: Who walks into a room and asks to see a person’s hands?! Phoebe: Well, a palm reader, a manicurist, a hand doctor… Joey: Glove salesman! Phoebe: Good one! Yeah. Chandler: This is terrible. What am I going to do? Phoebe: Look, she only suspects something okay? She doesn’t know for sure, so just throw her off the track. Chandler: That’s right, I can throw her off. I can make her think marriage is the last thing on my mind. Phoebe: Yeah! Yeah! Convince her that-that you’re scared of commitment! Convince her that you’re a little coward! Chandler: I can do that, I’ve had 30 years of practice. Joey: Hey, being you is finally gonna pay off! Monica: I had to go all the way to the basement because some idiot keeps stuffing the trash chute with pizza boxes! Joey: That guy’s still doing that?! Rachel: Oh my God you’re here, let me see your hand!! Phoebe: No, you’re too late!!! She already took out the trash!!! Ross: Wow! I have never had such a healthy break-up! She was such a grown-up about it! She didn’t seem too immature for me! Did I just make a huge mistake? Elizabeth: Ross! Wait! Ross: Elizabeth, thank God! I was just thinking about… Elizabeth: You suck!! Ross: What?! Ross: Okay, break-up’s still on! Chandler: Okay, okay, here she comes! How do I look? Do I look like a guy who doesn’t want to get married? Joey: Yeah! And also, a little like a French guy. I never noticed that before. Monica: Hi guys! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Monica: What are you up too? Chandler: Oh, just hanging out, talkin’ about uh, websites. Yeah, we saw this really interesting website about marriage and how totally unnecessary it is and how its just a way for the government to keep tabs on you. Joey: Yeah, Big Brother. Monica: Well that’s a little crazy. Although I am y’know glad to hear that you’re branching out on what you look at on the Internet. Chandler: Yeah, well… Y’know, it just got me thinking though, why would anybody ever want to get married huh? Monica: Why?! To celebrate your relationship! To solidify your commitment! To declare your love for one another to the world! Chandler: Eh… Monica: Okay well that’s good to know. Joey: Waitress: Hey Monica, there’s a customer who wants to complement the chef, should I let him in? Monica: Sure, I love this part! Waitress: Come on in. Richard: Hi! Monica: Richard! Richard: Actually, I’m not here to complement the chef. Monica: Ohh… Oh, that’s okay I hate when people come back to complement the chef. Like I have nothing better to do! So what’s up? Richard: Well, it was great seeing you the other night. Monica: Oh, good to see you too. Did you come down here to tell me that? Richard: No! I came here to tell you something else. to tell you I still love you. Commercial Break Monica: What uh—What did you—What?! Richard: I still love you. And I know I probably shouldn’t even be here telling you this, I mean you’re with Chandler a guy I really like, and if you say he’s straight I’ll believe you! After seeing ya the other night I knew if I didn’t tell ya I’d regret it for the rest of my life. Letting you go was the stupidest thing I ever did. Monica: Y’know you’re really not supposed to be back here! Richard: Well yeah, I’m sorry. I know this is the wrong time and the wrong place but I had to tell ya! I wanna spend my life with you. I wanna marry you. I wanna have kids with you. Monica: Oh God… Why don’t they put chairs back here?! Richard: I know this is crazy but am I too late? Monica: What the… Yes you’re too late! Where was all this three years ago?! Richard: Well I know I was an idiot! And I tried to forget you, I really did! Y’know after we had lunch last year I spent six months in Africa trying to get you out of my head! Monica: What were you doing in Africa? Richard: Working with blind kids. Monica: Ohhh! What are you doing to me?! Oh look, I-I… I’m sorry but umm, this-this-this-this is not going to happen. Richard: Okay that’s fine, I’ll walk away. And I’ll never bother you again, but only if you tell me Chandler’s willing to give you everything I am. Monica: Well he is! Yeah, I mean marriage is all he talks about! My goodness, in fact, I’m the one that’s making him wait! Richard: You are? Monica: Yeah! Richard: Why? Monica: Why? Because of the government. Rachel: Isn’t it incredible?! Monica and Chandler, gettin’ married. Phoebe: I know, they’re gonna be so happy together. Rachel: Ohh… I mean two best friends falling in love, how often does that happen? Phoebe: Not that often! Rachel: No! I’m so happy for them! Phoebe: Me too! So happy for them! Rachel: I’m so happy and not at all jealous. Phoebe: Oh no! No God, definitely not jealous! Rachel: I mean I’m probably 98% happy, maybe 2% jealous. And I mean what’s 2%? That’s nothing. Phoebe: Totally. I’m like 90/10. Rachel: Yeah me too. Joey: Hey uh, have you guys scene Chandler? Rachel: Wh—no, but y’know who did stop in here looking for ya, Tennille. Monica: So that marriage stuff that you were saying yesterday, you don’t really believe that do you? Chandler: Sure I do. In fact, I think the whole concept of marriage is unnatural. I mean look at pigs. Let’s take a second here and look at pigs. Okay pigs don’t mate for life. I mean a pig can have like a hundred sexual partners in a lifetime, and that’s just an ordinary pig not even a pig that’s good at sports! Monica: Yeah, but that’s pigs not people! Chandler: If marriage worked, I’d be all for it. But do you know what the divorce rate in this country is? 97%. Monica: Wait a minute. Are you honestly telling me that-that you may never want to get married? Chandler: Well, never say never but y’know probably uh yeah, never. Monica: Oh my God! Then-then-then what are we even doing?! What is this?! Chandler: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What is all this pressure?! Is this some new kind of strategy? Why don’t you put down your copy of ‘The Rules’ huh mantrap?! Monica: Y’know what?! I gotta go! Ugh! Chandler: It’s okay, I got a plan. Rachel: We’re gonna find love! Phoebe: Definitely! Rachel: Yeah, I’m pretty confident about that. That’s what makes it so easy for me to be 80% happy for Monica and Chandler! It would be nice to have a little guarantee though. Phoebe: What do you mean? Rachel: Well y’know, some people make deals with a friend, like if neither of them are married by the time they’re 40, they marry each other. Phoebe: You mean a backup? Rachel: Exactly! Phoebe: Yeah, yeah I got that. Rachel: You do? Phoebe: Hm-mmm. Rachel: Who? Phoebe: Joey. Rachel: Joey?! Phoebe: Yeah! Rachel: Are you serious?! Phoebe: Yeah, I locked him years ago! Rachel: Wh… So… If neither of you are married by the time you’re 40, you’re gonna marry Joey. Phoebe: Yep, we shook on it. Yeah but believe me that is not how he wanted to seal the deal. Rachel: Oh, seriously? Phoebe: Ohh, yeah. I think his exact words were… Rachel: Charming. Phoebe: Well hey, it’s just a backup. Rachel: Yeah. Joey: Hey Monica! Monica: Have you seen Rachel? Or a mirror? Joey: This is for my boat, pretty cool huh? Monica: Yeah, it’s great. Joey: Whoa-whoa, what’s the matter?! Talk to the captain! Monica: I’m just having one of those days where you realize you’re in a dead-end relationship! Joey: Chandler giving you a hard time huh? Monica: It’s not like I want to get married tomorrow! It’s just that I-I’d like to believe that I’m in a relationship that’s actually going somewhere, that I’m not just wasting my time! Joey: Well, you know Chandler. Monica: No I don’t know Chandler! Not anymore! It’s like it’s like something’s changed. Joey: Maybe you changed? Monica: I didn’t change! Joey: Maybe that’s the problem. Monica: What?! Joey: Chandler is a complex fellow, one who is unlikely to take a wife. Monica: Is that some kind of boat talk? Joey: I don’t know! I haven’t totally decided how to talk on my boat yet. Monica: What does he think? Does he think I’m just gonna wait around for nothing? Joey: Monica face it, Chandler is against marriage. And-and always will be! Monica: Well there’s some people who do want to marry me. Joey: There are? Monica: Yeah! Richard! Joey: R-R-Richard said he wants to marry you?! And-and Chandler’s tellin’ ya how much he hates marriage?! Monica: That’s right. Joey: Chandler loves marriage!! Monica: You just told me that he hates marriage! That-that he’s a-a complex fellow who’s unlikely to take a wife! That-that he’s against marriage and always will be! Joey: You got that from what I said?! Narrator: When the Cretaceous period ended, the dinosaurs were gone. Ross: What happened you guys? Ross: Rach! Rachel: Hey you! Ross: Hey, come on in. Rachel: Oh thank you. Hey y’know, I’m so sorry to hear about you and Elizabeth. Ross: Oh, thanks. Yeah, I really thought we’d be able to make it work, but uh, I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. Rachel: Yeah, love. It’s a tricky business isn’t it? Ross: I guess so. Rachel: So what do you say we make a pact? If you and I are both single by the time we’re 40, we get married. I mean, we know each other, we like each other, and we’ve-we’ve already slept together so y’know there’ll be no surprises there! You know what I mean? No like, "What’s that?!" Ross: Right. Ohh! You-you want me to be your backup. Rachel: Exactly. Ross: Ohh, yeah I already have one. Rachel: What? Who? Ross: Phoebe. Rachel: Phoebe?! Wait a—but-but she just, she said that Joey was her backup. Ross: Ohh, I don’t think so. Rachel: Ross! I just had a conversation with her, and she said that she and Joey made a deal! Ross: That’s impossible! I mean we have had a deal for years! We-we-we shook on it, although believe me she wanted to do a lot more than that. Joey: Where the hell have you been?! Chandler: I was making a coconut phone with the professor. Joey: Richard told Monica he wants to marry her! Chandler: What?! Joey: Yeah! Yeah, I’ve been trying to find ya to tell to stop messing with her and maybe I would have if these damn boat shoes wouldn’t keep flying off! Chandler: My—Oh my God! Joey: I know! They suck!! Chandler: He’s not supposed to ask my girlfriend to marry him! I’m supposed to do that! Joey: I know! Chandler: Well what… Y’know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna go over there; I’m gonna kick his ass! Will you help me?! Joey: Look, Chandler I don’t think us getting our asses kicked is a solution. Okay? Just go and find Monica! Chandler: You’re right. Joey: Yeah! Chandler: Okay. I’m just going to propose! Joey: Okay. Chandler: Okay great. Joey: Dude-dude-dude! Chandler: What?! Joey: Let me know about that coconut phone, it might great for the boat. Commercial Break Monica: Hi. Richard: Hi. Monica: I don’t know why I’m here. Richard: I didn’t ask. You wanna come in? Monica: I don’t know. Richard: Oh, okay. Well, I’ll just leave the door open and go sit on the couch. Monica: Chandler is such an idiot! Richard: Drink? Monica: Yeah, I’ll have a scotch… Richard: …on the rocks with a twist? I remember. Monica: Still smoking cigars? Richard: Uh, no! No! That’s…art! If it bothers you I can put my art out. Monica: No that’s, that’s okay. Richard: So Monica let me ask you a question. Y’know, since we broke up do you ever, think about me? Monica: Uh yeah, I-I actually I thought about you a couple months ago. Richard: Oh really? Monica: Yeah but it was because I-I had an eye exam and I don’t like my new eye doctor. Richard: Who is it? Monica: Edward Nevski? Richard: Yeah he’s no good. Do you ever non-eye doctor way? Monica: No. Richard: Ahh. Monica: But getting over was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do. And I never let myself think about you. Rachel: Phoebe! You picked Joey and Ross?! You can not have two backups! Phoebe: Of course I can! It’s just good sense to backup your backup! Look, I’ve already lost Chandler! Rachel: What?! Joey: Hey! Ross: Hey! Joey: Phoebe! We’re both your backup?! Ross: Phoebe, how could you do this to me?! Phoebe: I don’t—Look I don’t know what you’re complaining about now? You were both aware of the situation! Joey: No we weren’t! Ross: I was not! Phoebe: Okay, this kind of back talk is not gonna fly when we’re married! Rachel: Phoebe you can’t have both of them! You have to pick one! Joey: Pick me!! Ross: No! Pick me! I don’t want to end up an old maid! Phoebe: All right well let’s see, Ross is a good father, but Joey has a boat—This is hard! Joey: This is crazy! Hey look, I wanna switch to Rachel! Ross: Ooh, I wanna switch to Rachel too! Phoebe: No wait! Just—Okay—Just wait! You guys! Wait you guys! Don’t make any rash decisions, okay? Just remember my promise, when we get married, three times a week. Rachel: Oh God, Phoebe! Phoebe: I’m talking about massages. Rachel: Oh. Rachel: Okay, y’know what?! I know-I know how to settle this! All right here, this is what we’re gonna do! I’m gonna write Joey on one napkin and we are going to pick one! And that person is going to be our backup! Okay? Joey: Okay that’s fair. Ross: All right. Phoebe: Good! Rachel: Pick one. Phoebe: Left! Thank you. Rachel: You’re welcome. Phoebe: Ross! Rachel: We should just switch. Phoebe: Yeah absolutely! Joey: Yeah. Monica: I missed you-you ugly, flat faced old freak! Richard: Excuse me? Monica: Oh! Him. Richard: Oh. Whew! Monica: I missed this apartment! Now, this is a grown-up’s apartment! Y’know, I-I should be with a grown-up, do you know what I mean?! Richard: Yeah! You’re saying, you need to be with someone more mature. Maybe someone with, a license to practice medicine. Or a mustache. Monica: Y’know, let’s face it, I’m not a kid anymore! I-I need to be with someone who-who wants the same things that I do! I mean coming to my place of work and telling me that you love me, I want that! Talking about pig sex over lunch, I don’t want that! Richard: I think that’s fair. Monica: Fair? Please don’t even talk to me about fair! Fair would’ve been you wanting to marry me back then! Or fair would’ve been Chandler wanting to marry me now! Believe me, nothing about this is fair! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Richard: It’s okay! Shh! Hey. Hey. Shhhh. Monica: Nothing. I don’t kn—Umm. I don’t know. Umm… Richard: I know. Monica: Y’know, I-I… I have to figure…some st—Y’know, some stuff before I can… Richard: Yeah, I understand. Take as much time as you want. Richard: Chandler. Chandler: Where is she? I’m not scared of you! Richard: She’s not here and please come in. Chandler: Scotch on the rocks, with a twist, on a coaster? Ha-ha, Monica! Monica! Richard: Okay, she was here, but she left. Chandler: Well where did she go? Richard: Well she said she had to think things over. Chandler: Oh my God, I can’t believe this! Y’know, I thought…I thought you were a good guy. Richard: Oh, hey look nothing happened. Chandler: Nothing happened? Nothing? So you didn’t tell my girlfriend that you love her? Richard: Well all right, one thing happened? Chandler: Y’know what? I can’t believe this! Do you know what you did? My girlfriend is out there thinking things over! You made my girlfriend think!! Richard: Well I’m sorry. Chandler: And what does she have to think about? I love her! Richard: Well, apparently I’m willing to offer her things that you are not. Chandler: But I am willing to offer her all those things. This was just a plan, y’know? A way to throw her off course so that when I offered her all these things, she’d be surprised! Richard: Well if it helps, it worked very well. Chandler: It was working until you showed up, you big tree! I mean, this isn’t fair. You had your chance with her! You had your chance and you blew it! And this is my chance and I am not going to blow it because we are meant for each other! And this is all just been one stupid mistake! I was gonna propose tonight. Richard: You were gonna propose? Chandler: Yeah I even Did you get a ring? Richard: No I don’t have a ring! And can I give you a piece of advice? If you do get her, don’t let her go. Trust me. Chandler: Y’know Richard…you are a good guy. Richard: I know. I hate that! Joey: Dude! Chandler: I can’t talk to you now, I gotta find Monica! Joey: She’s gone. Chandler: What? Joey: She’s gone. She had a bag and she left. Chandler: What are you talking about? Joey: She was all crying. She-she said you guys want different things, and that and that she needed time to think. Chandler: Well why didn’t you stop her?! Why didn’t you just tell her it was a plan?! Joey: I-I did! I told her everything, Chandler! But she wouldn’t believe me. Chandler: Well where… Where did she go? Joey: To her parent’s I think and she said you shouldn’t call her. But if I were you I would. Chandler: I can’t believe I ruined this. Joey: I am so sorry man. Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise. Chandler: Oh my God. Monica: Chandler… In all my life… I never thought I would be so lucky. As to…fall in love with my best…my best… There’s a reason why girls don’t do this! Chandler: Okay! Monica, will you marry me? Monica: Yes. Monica: I knew you were likely to take a wife! Joey: Can we come it yet?! We’re dying out here! Monica: Come in! Come in! We’re engaged!!! Rachel: Ohhh, this is the least jealous I’ve ever been! Phoebe: Oh no wait no, this is wrong! Ross isn’t here! Monica: Oh… Rachel: Oh hell, he’s done this three times! He knows what its about! Joey: Yeah! Ending Credits End Teleplay by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman Story by: Wil Calhoun Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Ross: Hey, what’s going on? Chandler: Hey. Ross: I found a note on my door, "Come to Monica’s quick, bring champagne and a Three Musketeers bar." Joey: Yeah I’ll take that. Ross: What’s up? Chandler: Monica and I are engaged. Ross: Oh my God. Congratulations. Chandler: Thanks. Ross: Where is she? Monica: I’m engaged!!!!!! I’m engaged!!!! Joey: Yeah, she’s been out there for twenty minutes, I’m surprised you didn’t hear her on the way over. Ross: Oh, I thought it was just a kid yelling, "I’m gay! I’m gay!" Can I bring her in? Phoebe: Oh no, let her stay out there. It’s sweet. Monica: I’m getting married!!!! I’m gonna be a bride!!!! Come on, apartment 20! Apartment 20! Chandler: You bolt the door. I’ll be in the closet. Opening Credits Monica: Okay! Wait-wait-wait! Shhh! Our special night. I mean it just wouldn’t be my—our-our night, if you all weren’t here to celebrate with me—us—Damnit! Chandler: It’s okay, I want this to be your night too. To Monica. Monica: Awww, come on—wait—stop it. Okay, to Monica. Chandler: To Monica! Phoebe: So have you decided on a band for the wedding? Because, y’know, I’m kinda musical. Rachel: Yeah Pheebs, honey, she just got engaged a couple of hours ago. I doubt she’s even had time to… Phoebe: Well speaking of chiming in, remember the time you burned down my apartment? Rachel: Yeah, you’re on your own. Monica: Y’know what we should do? We should all get dressed up and go to have champagne at The Plaza. Joey: But I-I-I can’t stay too long, I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow and I gotta look good. I’m supposed to be playing a 19-year-old. What? Chandler: So when you said, "Get up early," did you mean 1986? Joey: You guys don’t think I look 19? Phoebe: Oh, 19! We thought you said 90! Monica: Okay everybody, let’s go! Let’s go! Rachel: Okay. Chandler: Okay. Joey: Hey, is uh the rest of my candy bar around here? Phoebe: Oh honey no, you ate it all. Joey: I was afraid of that. Monica: Chandler: Know what I mean? Monica: Yeah, but I don’t think we have time. Chandler: There’s gonna be a wedding. You’re gonna be the bride. Two hundred people are going to be looking at you in a clean white dress. Monica: Monica: Chandler! It happens to lots of guys! You-you-you were probably tired, you had a lot of champagne, don’t worry about it! Chandler: Phoebe: Check it out. Okay, I can play this when the guests are coming in. Okay. "First time I met Chandler, I thought he was gay. But here I am singing on his wedding day!" Monica: Phoebe! Phoebe: If you would’ve let me finish, it goes on to say that he’s probably not gay. Chandler: Sure, you guys don’t have this problem, you’re made of wood. Hey! Rachel: Hey! Chandler: You look great! Rachel: Oh, thanks. Chandler: You okay over there? Rachel: I don’t know, y’know? I feel a little umm… No, y’know what? Nevermind, I’m gonna be fine. Chandler: Oh, don’t worry about it I mean you probably were tired, you had a lot of champagne, it happens to everybody. Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Ross: Wow! Happy Monica’s night! Rachel: Well thank you, you too. Ross: Thanks. Rachel: Hey, do you believe this? Do you believe they are actually getting married? Ross: Well sure. But I get married all the time so… Rachel: Ohh… Ross: You okay? Rachel: Yeah, I guess. I-I… I mean, do-do you think we’re ever gonna have that? Ross: You mean, we—you and me? Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, no, no! We, you with someone and me with someone. Ross: Oh good, you scared me for a minute. Rachel: Shake it off. Ross: I mean—no, it’s just ‘cause, it’s just ’cause you and I were like a nightmare. No, but there was some good times. Rachel: No, absolutely. Y’know like it was umm… Ross: Surely you can think of something good. Rachel: Yeah, just give me a minute! Oh well, yes, I can think of one good thing. Ross: What? Rachel: Well you uh, you were always really good at the uh, at the uh the stuff. Ross: Yeah? I was good at the stuff huh? Rachel: Uh-hmm, uh-hmm, yeah, yeah, I really liked your hands. Ross: My hands? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Yeah? Rachel: Uh-huh. Ross: Way to go guys. Y’know, you-you were really good at the stuff too. Rachel: Oh, I know. Hey, y’know what we never did? We uh, we never had bonus night! Ross: A what? Rachel: Y’know, bonus night. Y’know, when two people break up but they get back together for just one night. Ross: One night, just-just sex. No strings attached? Rachel: Yeah-yeah, we never had that, Ross: No. Ross: Okay, this is getting a little crazy. I mean, I’m-I’m sure it would be amazing but I…gotta say I really-really don’t think it would be a good idea. Y’know? I really, really…don’t. Joey: ‘Sup? ‘Sup dude? Chandler: Take whatever you want, just please don’t hurt me. Joey: So you’re playing a little Playstation, huh? That’s whack! Playstation is whack! ‘Sup with the whack Playstation, ‘sup?! Huh? Come on, am I 19 or what?! Chandler: Yes, on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely 19. Joey: Come on man, really how old?! Chandler: Young! You’re a man-child okay?! Now go get changed because everybody’s ready and please, oh please, keep my underwear! Joey: Wow thanks! Chandler: Joe? Joey: Yeah! Chandler: Uhh, you’ve had a lot of sex right? Joey: When? Today? Some, not a lot. Chandler: Well, it’s just the reason that I’m asking is because I kind of eh, uh, I was unable to—I mean I really wanted too, but I couldn’t…. There huh—hmm, there-there was an incident. Joey: Don’t worry about that man, that happens. Chandler: It’s happened to you? Joey: Yeah! Once. Chandler: Well, what’d you do? Joey: I did it anyway. Monica: Phoebe! Come on! Let’s go! Why aren’t you dressed yet?! Phoebe: I’m sorry, but I just wrote the best dance song for your wedding. Check this out. Monica: No, Phoebe, I’ll tell you what, if you get ready now I’ll let you play it at the wedding. Phoebe: Really?! Oh that’s so exciting! Thank you! Thanks Mon! Oh but Mon, if you touch my guitar again I’ll have to pound on you for a little bit. Monica: Fair enough, now go get ready! Phoebe: Okay. Monica: I’ll get everybody else I’m sorry, uh apparently I’ve opened the door to the past. Commercial Break Ross: Okay, Monica. Mon, uh what-what you just saw… Monica: Can I ask you just a little question, huh? Why tonight? Rachel: What? Monica: See, I’ve been waiting my whole life to be engaged, and unlike some people I’m only planning on doing this once. So, uh y’know, maybe this is selfish and I’m sorry about it, but I was kinda hoping tonight could just be about that. Rachel: Oh honey, but it is just about… Ross: It is! It is! Monica: No it’s not! No! No! Now it’s about you and Ross getting back together! Rachel: What?! Monica: See yeah umm, you kinda stole my thunder! Ross: Okay! Ho-ho! We did not steal your thunder because we are not getting back together! Rachel: Yeah. No. And you know what? Nobody even saw! Ross: Yeah! Monica: That’s true. Rachel: Honey I swear it we just kissed. Ross: It was just a kiss. Phoebe: You guys kissed!!!!! What does this mean?!! Are you, are you getting back together?! Can I sing at your wedding? Monica: Thunder being stolen!! Rachel: Okay come on Phoebe, it’s nothing! Monica, come on! Ross: Look let’s not make a big deal out of this! It was a one time thing. It doesn’t even matter! Joey: Oh my God! I cannot believe you guys are talking about this! The problems in the bedroom are between the man and the woman!!! All right?!! Now Chandler is doing the best he can!! Chandler: I don’t think that’s what they were talking about Joe!! Phoebe: What a great night, Chandler can’t do it, these guys kissed… Joey: What? Chandler: What?! Joey: You guys kissed! Oh my—this is huge! Rachel: No! Ross: Oh no! Rachel: No-no, it’s really not huge. Ross: And; people thinking it’s huge has led Monica to believe that we are stealing her thunder. Which we are not! Monica: Well, we’re still talking about it, aren’t we? Phoebe: Well yeah, that and Chandler’s problem. Joey: Monica-Monica-Monica-Monica, listen-listen, listen, listen, would-would it make you feel better if we all stop talking about Ross and Rachel. Monica: Yes that would be lovely. Joey: You got it. Okay. Now, I can pass for 19 right?! Chandler: Yes, you can pass for 19. Joey: Really? Chandler: Yes! Joey: Seriously? Chandler: Seriously? Seriously, no! You can play your own age which is 31! Joey: I’m 30! Rachel: Joey, you are not! You’re 31. Joey: Aww crap! Phoebe: Okay, so The Plaza! Okay, we’ll get us some Mai Thai’s, maybe no more for you though. Monica: Y’know what? I-I think that umm, I don’t feel like going to The Plaza. Phoebe: Why?! Rachel: Honey, Monica, this is ridiculous! Look… Monica: No-no, I-I really don’t want to talk about it! I don’t! Joey: Psss, that is whack! Phoebe: Okay, I think I’ll play it at the wedding. Joey: Yeah! Well, I think we’ll see if they actually let you play. Huh? I mean they tell you anything you want to hear like-like, "You look 19," and then they just take it away like-like, "No you don’t." Phoebe: Well, I don’t think Monica is gonna take this away. Joey: Wouldn’t she? Phoebe: Would she? Joey: Would she? You ate my candy bar! Ross: Guess who? Rachel: Hey. Ross: Hey, I just realized we kinda let some stuff up in the air… Rachel: What do you think Monica mean when she said she didn’t want to talk, especially with me? I mean, why not especially you and me? We were both out there kissing. Ross: Still thinking about it huh? Rachel: Come on! Serious-ser-ser-seriously, what did she mean by that? Especially you! Ross: Oh, who cares? Rachel: I care! Ross: And so do I. Rachel: Y’know what, I-I have to go talk to her, would you let me just get changed? Ross: Okay. Sure. Rachel: Am I going to let you watch me undress? Ross: Monica: I can’t believe her, y’know it’s just—it’s so typical. Chandler: Now Monica, I know you’re upset, but don’t forget. There is going to be a wedding, you are going to throw the bouquet, and then there’s going to be a honeymoon, maybe in Paris. Monica: Paris? Chandler: We will take a moonlit walk on the Rue de la . Monica: Keep talking. Chandler: Then we will sprinkle rose pedals on the bed and make love. Not just because it’s romantic, but because I can! Monica: I love you! Monica: Bonjour, monsieur. Chandler: Okay, don’t say anything, you might scare it away. Chandler: It’s Paris, who knows we’re here! Monica: Phoebe: Okay, you said I could sing at your wedding so, I’m just gonna need a small deposit. Monica: What?! Phoebe: Y’know, just some good faith money to hold the date. Chandler: Pheebs, we’re not giving you a deposit for our wedding! Phoebe: Oh, I see. [Cut to the living room, Joey is eating a sandwich.) Joey: They break your heart, don’t they? Phoebe: Y’know, I don’t really their permission. Joey: Yeah! If you wanna sing at their wedding, well you sing at their wedding! Phoebe: Yeah! And if you wanna look 19, then you… You gotta do something about your eyes. Joey: What?! What’s wrong with my eyes. Phoebe: They give you away! There’s just-there’s just too much wisdom in there. Just put some tea bags on there for like 15 minutes. Joey: And that’ll get rid of my wisdom? Phoebe: Maybe just 10 minutes for you. Chandler: Oh, give her the deposit! Give her the ring! I don’t care! Monica: Yes. Rachel: Monica, what did you mean before when you said you didn’t want to talk to anyone, especially me? Chandler: What a great apology! And you accept! Okay, bye-bye! Rachel: No-no, seriously-seriously, what was the especially me part about? Monica: Well, let’s just say it’s not the first time you’ve stolen my thunder. Rachel: What?! Ross: Hey, here’s a thought. Rachel: Monica, what are you talking about? Monica: My Sweet Sixteen! Remember, you went to third base with my cousin Charlie. Chandler: Ahh, third base. Monica: It’s all everybody at the party could talk about! Rachel: Monica, y’know what? The only reason I did that was because your party was so boring! Monica: We had a characturist! Rachel: Oh!! Phoebe: "Whenever I get married, guess who won’t get to sing? Somebody named Geller! And somebody else named Bing!" Rachel: Monica, your Sweet Sixteen was like a million years ago. Monica: And yet, here we are doing it again. Rachel: Ugh, Monica I don’t want to steal your stupid thunder! Monica: Oh please! Why else would you have made out with Ross?! Ross: Got me. Rachel: All right, easy mimey, the moment has passed, it ain’t gonna happen! Monica: I just thought it would be nice if I could have just this one night! Rachel: I swear, I never wanted any part of your night! Monica: Oh, is that why you did it the secret hallway where nobody ever goes?! Ross: Uh, Rachel, I’ve been thinking. I don’t think us getting together tonight is such a good idea. I’m calling it off. Chandler: Why to save your dignity my man. Rachel: Monica, why? Why would I ever want to take away from your night? Monica: I don’t know! I don’t—maybe you’re feeling a little resentful. Maybe ah, maybe you thought you’d get married first! Maybe you can’t stand the fact that your formally fat friend is getting married before you! Rachel: Oh wow. That—y’know what? That is so unfair. Y’know what? Now I want to steal your thunder! Come on Ross, let’s go have sex! Monica: I can’t believe you’re gonna have sex on my engagement night!! Chandler: Well, somebody should. Ross: Look uh, if we’re gonna do this… Rachel: We’re not gonna do this, all right? She’s just gonna think that we’re doin’ it. Ross: Oh, I see, so everybody wins. Rachel: Who is it? Monica: It’s Monica, open up! Rachel: Okay well Ross! Stop it please! Wait a minute! Ross: Oww! Rachel: Yeah, you like that baby? May we help you? Monica: I just wanted to say that I hope you do have sex tonight and I hope that you guys get back together, but I must warn you, the night that you announce your engagement I’m going to announce that I’m pregnant! Chandler: How is that ever going to happen?! Rachel: All right Monica, do you want to know why I was with Ross tonight?! Monica: I know why! Rachel: No you don’t know why! Monica: Okay! Why?! Rachel: Because! Because I was sad. Monica: What do you mean? Rachel: Look, I am so…so happy for you guys, but you getting married just reminds me of the fact that I’m not. I’m not even close. And I don’t know, maybe I just wanted to make myself feel better. And I know that that’s dumb, but oh my God you were so depressed when Ross got married that you slept with Chandler! Chandler: I don’t care, she slept with me. Rachel: Anyway sweetie, I am, I’m so sorry I ruined your night. Monica: Ross: Congratulations man. Chandler: Thanks. Ross: And uh, Rachel. Rachel: Yeah. Ross: What can I say, you missed your chance. From now on the only person who’s going to enjoy these bad boys Ending Credits Phoebe: "We thought Phoebe would leave, but she just stayed and stayed. That’s right, I’m here all night, and Chandler will never get l…" Chandler: Hey! Here’s a dollar, consider it a deposit. Please sing at our wedding. Phoebe: Oh thank you. Chandler: Okay. Phoebe: Now… —Oh—oh! All right, I’ll pound on him in the morning. End Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Joey: Hey! Ross: Hi! Joey: Who wants French toast? Ross: Oh, I’ll have some! Joey: Good, me too. Eggs and milk are in the fridge. Thanks. Monica: Oww! Chandler: What’s the matter honey? Monica: I don’t know, my hand feels weird. I guess it’s because, I’m engaged! How long before it starts getting annoying? Phoebe: It starts? Rachel: Yeah, so let’s get started on the wedding plans! Monica: Okay! Chandler: Already?! Rachel: Yeah, we got a lot to do! We gotta think about the flowers, the caterers, the music… Chandler: Oh, I got some thoughts on that. Rachel: Oh wait Chandler, too many cooks… Ross: Take from me, as the groom all you have to do is show up and try to say the right name. Monica: Chandler: What in God’s name is that?! Ross: Oh my God, the wedding book?! I haven’t seen that since the forth grade! Monica: This baby has got everything. Take y’know, locations for instance. First, organized alphabetically, then geographically, then by square footage. Phoebe: That is so smart! Break it off. Break it off now. Opening Credits Ross: And that should conclusively prove that I had the idea for Jurassic Park first! Now let’s take a look at… Phoebe: Hey! Ross! Ross: Phoebe, oh my God! Wh-wh-what are you doing here? Phoebe: I need to talk to you, it’s pretty urgent. It’s about Monica and Chandler. Ross: Oh my God! Of course, of course. Wh-what’s going on? Phoebe: Well, umm, not much. But, I was just thinking that since those guys just got engaged that maybe it would be nice if they had some privacy, y’know? So, could I just move in with you for a couple days? Ross: Umm, okay, yeah, sure. But wh-what’s wrong with Monica and Chandler? Phoebe: Nothing—Why?! Ross: Phoebe, you said it was urgent! Phoebe: Oh yeah it is! I’m going to the movies and it starts in like five minutes. Ross: Do you realize I have a classroom full of students? Phoebe: Oh, I’m sorry. I’m so rude. Does anyone want to come to the movies? Monica: All right, so I haven’t cleared the budget with my parents yet, but tell me how this is for music. Rachel: Okay. Monica: All right umm, a string quartet for the procession. Rachel: Aw. Monica: A jazz trio for cocktails. The Bay City Rollers for dancing. Wait, that was from my sixth grade wedding. Chandler: Well, you couldn’t get them anyway. Ian doesn’t plan anymore and Derrick… And Derrick is a name I shouldn’t know. Joey: Y’know, something a little snugglyer? Chandler: Why are you napping over here instead of over at your place? Joey: Well, the duck… Rachel: What?! The duck?! What the hell did the damn duck do now?! Joey: Uh, well he did not get sick somewhere in there and it was immediately found and properly cleaned up! Chandler: Now, do I get to look at this book or is it just for people who are actually involved in the wedding? Monica: Of course you can look at it! Yeah, I want your opinion too! Chandler: Okay. Monica: Here you go! What do you think about centerpieces? Chandler: Centerpieces! Monica: Yeah! Roses or Lilies? Chandler: Definitely roses. But Lilies are the clear choice. Monica: Oh my God! It’s like one mind. Chandler: Uh-huh! Joey: Guys! Guys!! You gotta let me nap! Ugh, I’m gonna get cranky! Rachel: Joey, there is a perfectly good couch across the hall! Joey: Yes it is perfectly good, and it is not one of the places the duck got sick! Rachel: What?! Joey: All right, I’m gonna go! Rachel: Now Joey, what did the duck do?! Joey: I don’t know! But he did not eat your face cream! Joey: Hey little buddy, how are you feeling? Ross: Uh, Phoebe… Phoebe: Oh Ross, hi. Ross: Phoebe, what are you doing? Phoebe: I’m sorry, I’m with a client right now. Ross: Phoebe! Phoebe: Okay, let’s talk outside. Ross: Phoebe, you can’t massage people in my apartment! Phoebe: What’s the big deal? I did it at Monica and Chandler’s! Ross: And they knew about it? Phoebe: Okay, well Ross, what is this really about? Ross: Look, this is my home and I want to be able to come and go whenever I want! Phoebe: Okay, I will find someplace else to do the rest of my appointments. I just don’t know what the big deal is! Ross: The big deal is I don’t want naked, greasy strangers in my apartment when I want to kick back with a puzzle—beer! Cold beer. Rachel: Hey Joey, what ‘cha doing? Joey: Sweepin’. Why? Turn you on? Rachel: No. Joey: Huh. What if I was sweeping a chimney? Rachel: Joey, did you my face cream? Joey: Where are you going? The vicar won’t be home for hours. Rachel: Joey, where did you learn that word? Joey: Where do you think, Zelda? Rachel: You found my book?! Joey: Yeah I did! Rachel: Joey, what-what are you doing going into my bedroom?! Joey: Okay, look I’m sorry, I went in there to take a nap and I know I shouldn’t have, but you got porn! Rachel: Hey-hey, y’know what? I don’t care! I’m not ashamed of my book. There’s nothing with a woman enjoying a little…erotica. It’s just a healthy expression of female sexuality, which by the way, you will never understand. Joey: You got porn! Ross: Hello. Woman: Hi, is uh Phoebe here? Ross: Uh no-no, she-she’s out for the night. Woman: Ohh great. Ross: Can I, can I help you with something? Woman: Well, I don’t know. Are you a masseur? Ross: Yes I am. Woman: Great! Mrs. Geller: So Chandler, you’re parents must’ve been thrilled when you told them you were engaged. Chandler: Oh yeah, I should probably call them. Mr. Geller: I remember when we first got engaged. Chandler: Oh, I don’t think I ever heard that story. Monica: Oh dad, really you don’t need to… Mr. Geller: Well, I’d gotten Judy pregnant. I still don’t know that happened. Mrs. Geller: You don’t know how that happened?! Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy! Chandler: What a sweet story. Monica: Well, at least you’re not hearing it for the first time at your fifth grade Halloween party. Mr. Geller: What?! They wanted a scary story! Monica: Anyway, we’re really excited about our wedding plans, and well I guess pretty soon we’ll be making a big withdrawal from the Monica wedding fund. What? Mrs. Geller: You tell her Jack, I can’t do it. Monica: What happened? You still have the Monica wedding fund don’t you? Mr. Geller: We have it. Only now, we call it the beach house. Commercial Break Monica: I don’t believe you spent my wedding fund on the beach house! Mrs. Geller: We’re sorry honey, but we just assumed if you got married after you turned 30 you’d pay for it yourself. Monica: You bought the beach house when I was 23! Mr. Geller: Which means you had seven years of beach fun and you can’t put a price on that sweetie. Mrs. Geller: We really do feel bad about this though. Mr. Geller: We started saving again when you were dating Richard and then that went to hell, so we redid the kitchen. Monica: What about when I started dating Chandler? Mrs. Geller: Well it was Chandler! We didn’t think he’d ever propose! Chandler: Clearly I did not start drinking enough at the start of the meal. Monica: I can’t believe it! That there is no money for my wedding?! Mrs. Geller: We might still have some money, if your father didn’t think it was a good idea to sell ice over the Internet. Mr. Geller: It seemed like such a simple idea. Mrs. Geller: Stupid Jack, the word is stupid. Mr. Geller: All right, enough! I don’t want to hear about it anymore! Ross: Okay! Now, I’m going to touch you. Monica: I can’t believe this. Do you think that your parents could help pay for it? Chandler: I don’t know, my mother spent most of her money on her fourth wedding. She’s saving the rest for her divorce. And any extra cash my father has he saves for his yearly trips to Dollywood. Rachel: Well what happened at dinner? Monica: My parents spent the money for our wedding! Phoebe: My God! What did you order?! Rachel: Wait, but there’s no money! Well this is terrible! You guys are gonna have to get married in like a, rec. center! Chandler: Honey, it’s gonna be okay. Monica: No! No it’s not! It’s not gonna be okay! It sucks! No swing band! No lilies! Rachel: No, y’know what? It’s gonna be okay. I mean you don’t have to have this rustic Italian feast. Y’know? And-and you don’t need, you don’t need this custom-made, empire waisted, duchess, satin gown; you can wear off the rack. Chandler: Look, it really is gonna be okay. The important thing is that we love each other and that we’re gonna get married. Rachel: Do you even understand what off the rack means?! Phoebe: Look, why don’t you just pay for it yourself? Monica: How? I don’t have any money. Chandler: Well, I have some. Monica: How much? Chandler: Well, close to… Monica: Whoa!!! Are you kidding me?! Rachel: Well what?! How-how much is it?! Monica: It’s enough for wedding scenario eight. Rachel: Ohh! Really?! Monica: How great are you, you little saver?! I mean, the-the amount you have is exactly the budget of my dream wedding! Rachel: Ohh, you guys are so made for each other. Chandler: Well, you’re not suggesting that we spend all of the money on the wedding? Rachel and Monica: Ah, yeah! Chandler: Well, come on, I’ve been saving this money for six years and I kinda had some of it earmarked for the future, not just for a party. Phoebe: Hello, Mr. Chandler. Monica: This is the most special day of our lives. Chandler: No, I realize that honey, but I’m not gonna spend all of the money on one party. Monica: Honey, umm I-I love you, Listen, we could always earn more money, okay? But uh, we’re only gonna get married once. Chandler: Look, I understand, but I have to put my foot down. Okay? The answer is no. Monica: You-you’re gonna have to put your foot down? Chandler: Yes, I am! Phoebe: Wow, money and a firm hand. Finally a Chandler I can get on board with. Joey: Hey Rach. Rachel: Joey. Joey: Hey Rach, do you smell smoke? Rachel: Uh-huh, I get it, smoke, chimney, chimney sweep, very funny, ha-ha. Joey: No-no-no, I’m serious. You don’t smell it? Something’s on fire. Rachel: Well no, I don’t smell anything. Joey: Oh, y’know what? It’s probably just your burnin’ loins. Ross: Hey, what are you guys, what are you guys talking about? Rachel: Nothing! Ross: Rachel: Y’know, I can not believe you told him, Joey! Ross: So I guess you bought that book after we broke up huh? Rachel: Uh-huh, yeah I did, because I wore out my first copy when I was with you. Ross: ‘Sup? Phoebe: Ross! How could you do that to an old man?! Ross: I’m sorry? Phoebe: My massage client, Arthur? His daughter called and said that some guy that worked for me gave him a really weird massage this afternoon. Ross: I gave him an extremely professional massage! Phoebe: He said you poked at him with wooden spoons. Ross: Okay, so it wasn’t uh, a traditional massage. But I did give him accu-pressure with a pair of chopsticks. And, and I gently exfoliated him with, with a mop. Phoebe: Well, he’s never coming back! Okay? You just cost me eight dollars a week! Ross: Hey, y’know what? This is your fault! You’re the one that didn’t move his-his appointment. Phoebe: Oh, it’s my fault?! You didn’t have to massage him! You could’ve sent him away! You could’ve not rolled Tonka trucks up and down his back! Ross: He said he liked that!! Oh you’re right, you’re right. I’m sorry. Joey: Dude, what are you massaging an old man for? Ross: His daughter was hot. Joey: Gotcha. Monica: Hey. Chandler: Hey. Monica: Listen umm, I’ve been thinking, it’s not fair for me to ask you to spend all of your money on our wedding. I mean, you work, you work really hard for that. Chandler: Ehh. Monica: Eh, you work for that. Chandler: Look, I thought about it too, and I’m sorry. I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding. Monica: You do?! Chandler: Yeah, I’m putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy then, then that’s what we’re gonna do. Monica: Oh, you’re so sweet. Oh, but wait, what about our, what about the future and stuff? Chandler: Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, y’know? We’ll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college. Monica: You thought about that? Chandler: Yeah. Monica: How many kids were we gonna have? Chandler: Uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy. Monica: What else did you think about? Chandler: Well, stuff like where’d we live, y’know? Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Y’know, we could have a cat that had a bell on it’s collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we’d have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old. Monica: Y’know what? I-I don’t want a big, fancy wedding. Chandler: Sure you do. Monica: No, I want everything you just said. I want a marriage. Chandler: You sure? Monica: Uh-hmm. Chandler: I love you so much. Monica: I love you. Hey listen umm, when, when you were talkin’ about our future you said cat, but you meant dog right. Chandler: Oh yeah, totally! Monica: Oh good. Ending Credits Joey: Hello, Zelda. Rachel: Who are you supposed to be? Joey: The vicar! Rachel: Do you even know what a vicar is? Joey: Like a goalie, right? Rachel: Yeah. Look Joey, it’s enough all right?! You keep making these stupid jokes and this sleazy innuendoes and it’s—I’m not—it’s just not funny anymore! Joey: All right, I’m sorry. Rach I—Rach I’m sorry. Okay? I’m sorry! Maybe I can make up for it by, taking you roughly in the barn. Rachel: All right! Y’know what? That’s it! You wanna do it?! Let’s do it! Joey: Huh? Rachel: That’s right, I wanna do it with you! I’ve been trying to fight it, but you just said all the right things. Joey: Rachel: Yeah! Ohh, I’ve been waitin’ so long to get on that body! Joey: This body? Rachel: Yeah that’s right! Come on Joey; sex me up! Joey: Hey-hey, you’re startin’ to sound like the butcher’s wife there in-in chapter seven. Rachel: Oh, come on now, don’t keep me waiting. Get those clothes off! But, I would keep that helmet on because you’re in for a rough ride! Joey: I don’t want to, I’m scared. End Written by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Chandler: Hey, you guys! Ross and Rachel: Hey! Chandler: So, what do you think? Ross: About what? Rachel: Yeah, what? Joey: What? Chandler: Are you kidding? Okay, I’ll give you a hint; I’ll give you a hint. Joey: Eyes! No, no. Your eyes! No. Chandler’s eyes! Chandler: I got glasses! Ross: Well, you-you’ve always had glasses. Chandler: No I didn’t! Ross: Are you sure? Rachel: Yeah-yeah, did-didn’t you use to have a pair? They were really round, burgundy, and they made you look kind of umm… Joey: Feminine. Rachel: Yes! Chandler: No! Monica: Sweetie, I think the glasses look great. They make you look really sexy. Chandler: Really? Monica: Yeah! Chandler: You didn’t think I used to wear glasses, right? Monica: Of course! Opening Credits Phoebe: So what do you guys want for an engagement present? Chandler: That’s okay Pheebs, we’re not having a party or anything, so you don’t have to get us… Monica: If someone wants to give us a present, we don’t want to deprive them of that joy. Rachel: Oh, y’know what you should get ‘em? One of those little uh, portable CD players. Monica: Oh, I already have one. Phoebe: Not unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist. Rachel: Yeah, and-and-and by someone, she means Joey. Monica: Hey, I know I what I want! Chandler: What we want honey. Monica: No, you don’t want this. I want to have your grandmother’s cookie recipe. Phoebe: You mean the chocolate chip cookie recipe? Monica: Uh-huh, yeah. Phoebe: You mean the one that my grandmother made me swear on her deathbed that I would never let out of our family? Chandler: Dying people say the craziest things. Monica: I wanted it for years! I was gonna make cookies for my children. Phoebe: Break my heart—Oh, all right. Monica: Okay. I’m gonna be the mom that makes the world’s best chocolate chip cookies. Chandler: Our kids are gonna be fat aren’t they. Joey: Ahoy! Chandler: Hey! How’s the boat?! Joey: Great! I’m finally getting into this sailing stuff. Monica: Oh, so you finally took it out of the marina huh? Joey: Why would I do that? It took three guys to get the thing in there! Phoebe: If you don’t sail your boat, what do you do on it? Joey: Oh, it’s great! It’s a great place to just kinda, sit, hang around, drink a few beers, eat some chips. Chandler: Well, it’s good that you finally have a place to do that. Rachel: Y’know Joey, I could teach you to sail if you want. Joey: You could? Rachel: Yeah! I’ve been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat. Phoebe: Your own boat? Rachel: What?! What?! He was trying to cheer me up! My pony was sick. Chandler: Do you know what I was thinkin’? Monica: What? Chandler: Nothing, I just like to go like this. Ross: Hey Chandler, what are you doing tonight? Chandler: Uh why, do you have a lecture? Ross: No, why? Chandler: Then free as a bird. What’s up? Ross: My dad wanted to know if you wanted to play racquetball with us. Monica: Wow! That’s great! Dad must really like you, he doesn’t ask just anyone to play. Ross: Yeah and he didn’t really ask for you, he asked for Chancy, I assumed he meant you. Chandler: Well, did-did you correct him? Ross: No, I-I thought it would be more fun this way. Monica: This is so cool, maybe this is something you can do every week. Ross: Or you can sit with him on the front porch and make sure no one steals the trash cans. He does that every week too. Monica: Oh, just so you know, you-you have to let him win. Ross: Yeah. Monica: He hates to lose. Chandler: Oh no problem, maybe I’ll play with my left hand. Ross: You’re not a lefty? Chandler: Does anybody know me?! Monica: What’s wrong Phoebe? Phoebe: I just went to my old apartment to get you the-the cookie recipe and the stupid fire burned it up! Monica: No!! Why didn’t you make a copy and-and keep it in a fireproof box and keep it at least a hundred yards from the original?!! Phoebe: Because I’m normal! That was the one legacy my grandmother left me, and I know you wanted it as an engagement present. Ross: Oh, we have to get you an engagement present? Chandler: Don’t worry about it Pheebs. Ross: No one got me an engagement present. Phoebe: Okay, here I wish you health and happiness. Chandler: An old cookie? Monica: This is what happens when you don’t register for gifts! Phoebe: See no-no, I made a batch and I froze it, and this is the only one left. Chandler: We can’t accept this. Phoebe: Why not? Chandler: ‘Cause it’s gross. Monica: No! Wait! I think I can figure out the recipe from this cookie! I do stuff like this at work all the time. Phoebe: Really?! Monica: Yeah! I bet I can do it. Chandler: Okay, we owe you a present. Ross: Two! I’ve been engaged twice! Joey: Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway? Rachel: That is the Coast Guard. Joey: What are they doing out here? The coast’s all the way over there. Rachel: Joey, just ignore the boats all right? We’re not finished with the lesson yet. Joey: All right. Rachel: Okay, I’m just gonna go over the basic points just one more time, are you ready? Joey: Come on Rach, not again. I got it! Okay? Let’s start sailing, and I want to go over there Yo-ho-ho! Rachel: Oh, okay. Is that what you want to do? You wanna go over and give a little shout out to the old, hot chickas? Okay, let’s do that Sailor Joe. Quick question though, what’s this called? Joey: Uh, boat rope. Rachel: Wrong! How do you get the mainsail up? Joey: Uhh, rub it? Rachel: No. What do you do if I say we are coming about? Joey: I’d say, come again. No-no, wait I-I-I know this one, I know this one, uh… Rachel: Time’s up, now your dead. Joey: And deaf! Rachel: Okay, you just go on and make your little jokey-jokes, but if you do not know what you are doing out at sea you will die at sea. Am I getting through to you sailor?! Joey: Yes. Rachel: Don’t just say yes! This isn’t a game, Joey you can really get hurt out here. Okay, so do you want to pay attention or do you want to die?! Joey: I want to make a ship to shore call to Chandler. Monica: All right, I definitely taste nutmeg. Phoebe: You do? Monica: You don’t? Well, that’s the difference between a professional and a layman. Phoebe: That and arrogance. Joey: Hey. Monica: Hey! How was sailing? Joey: I don’t want to talk about it. Y’know, you could’ve at least saved me a whole cookie. Monica and Phoebe: No-wait-no-no!!!!!!! Joey: Phoebe: I can’t believe that! Now the only thing left of my grandmother’s legacy is this crumb. I wish you a long and happy marriage. Ross: Hey. Monica: Hey! How was it? Ross: Well I had a great time! Umm, Chancy on the other hand… Chandler: I will tell the story! It was going great. I let him win. We were bonding. He even said I could call him dad. Ross: And what did he ask you not to call him? Chandler: Daddy. All right look, here’s the story. So I take off my glasses and that’s when in happened. Chandler: Guys? Ross: Over here. Mr. Geller: Have a seat son. Commercial Break Monica: Oh my God Chandler! I can’t believe it! Chandler: I know. Monica: You gave my father a lap dance! Chandler: Why do they put so much steam in there?! Ross: ‘Cause otherwise they’d have to call it the room room. Chandler: Why? Okay? Why? Wh-wh-why did that have to happen? Phoebe: Come on, it’s not that big a deal! Chandler: Not that big a deal? There…there was touching of things. Ross: Now, I know you wanted to bond with my dad, but did you really have to bond to that part? Monica: Listen, I’m sure that dad doesn’t care. He probably thought this was funny; he’ll be telling this story for years! Chandler: I don’t want him to tell this story for years. Ross: Oh, but he will. He still tells the story how Monica tried to escape from fat camp. Monica: I wasn’t escaping. Ross: Then how did you get caught in the barbed wire? Monica: I was trying to help out a squirrel. Ross: You were trying to eat it! Chandler: If that is your father calling to tell this story then the marriage is off! Monica: Chandler: All right, I’m off to see your dad. Ross: Whoa-whoa, aren’t you a little over dressed? Rachel: Yeah, and-and you better make sure he tips you this time. Chandler: Look, I figured I would try to convince him not to tell the story anymore, and I figure the best way to do that is face to face—And by face I don’t mean his lap. And by face, I don’t mean my ass. Ross: Hey are you getting Monica and Chandler an engagement present? Rachel: I don’t know. Y’know, they didn’t get us anything. Ross: Thank you! Joey: Hey. Ross: Hey. Rachel: Well hello! So, when are we gettin’ back out on the water matey? Joey: Oh uh, I don’t know the boat way to say this, but uh never! Rachel: Why not? Joey: Because! You’re mean on the boat! Rachel: What? I was just trying to teach you. Joey: Well, lesson learned! Rachel is mean! Ross: Yeeeeeep… Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took out on her dad’s boat she wouldn’t let me help at all. Rachel: Excuse me, I wanted you to help, but you couldn’t move your arms because you were wearing three life jackets. Ross: You have to respect the sea! Rachel: Look Joey, I’m sorry if-if you thought that was mean, but I gotta tell ya something. That was not mean. Okay, my father is mean. He used to yell at me all the time on the boat, I mean it was horrible. I was just being a good teacher. Joey: Does a good teacher say, "Put down the beer pinhead!?" Rachel: Well, does a good student drink seven beers during his first lesson? Joey: Six and a half! You knocked that last one out of my hand! Remember? Rachel: Yeah, I didn’t want you to get hit by the boom! Joey: Well it hit me anyway! And it would’ve hurt a lot less if I had finished that last beer. Rachel: All right, y’know what? I-I’m sorry. I will try to tone it down and uh stop yelling. Joey: You won’t boss me around anymore? Rachel: I won’t boss you around. Joey: And you’ll be nice? Rachel: And, I’ll be nice. Joey: And you’ll be topless? Rachel: And—Joey! Joey: Do you want me to learn?! Monica: Okay, here’s batch 22. Ohh, maybe these’ll taste a little like your grandmother’s. This has a little bit of orange peel, but no nutmeg. Ross: Let’s give it a shot. Monica: Okay. Man, I have not made this many cookies since I was in the ninth grade. Phoebe: Oh, what was that for? Like a bake sale? Monica: No, just a Friday night. Ross: Ohh, these are pretty good. Phoebe: Yeah, but not as good as batch 17. Ross: Which one was that? Monica: The ones we had right after you almost threw up. Ross: Oh yeah! Batch 17 was good. I did not like batch 16. I’m okay. Phoebe: Are there anymore from the good batch? ‘Cause we could just work off of those. Ross: Yeah, ooh yeah, I think there is one from batch 17 left, uh… Rachel: Okay Joey honey, you’re doing really good! All right, now I’m just gonna need you to step to the port side. Remember? Remember how we talked about the port side? Joey: Ohh yeah. Rachel: Right? Joey: Nope. Rachel: It’s left sweetie, but that’s okay sweetie, that’s a tough one. Joey: I don’t know why you just don’t say left. Rachel: Okay, go to the left. The left! Joey: Huh? Rachel: Joey: Okay! Okay, you’re yelling again! See that? Rachel: No! No-no, no-no-no, very quiet, said with love, no yelling. Joey: Oh, y’know what? Since I’m here, I think I’m gonna have me a little beer on the port side. Rachel: Okay Joey, we’re luffing a little bit, so could you tighten up the cunningham? Joey: Uh, wow, you just said a bunch of stuff I didn’t know there. Rachel: Joey, come on! We just went over this! Joey: Oh, y’know, when we did that was when that bird was flying overhead with the fish in his mouth. Did you see it? It was gross! Rachel: No! All right?! I did not see the bird! I did not see the fish! I did not see the piece of Styrofoam that was shaped like Mike Tyson! I did not, because I was trying to teach you how to sail a boat! Which obviously is an impossible thing to do! Joey: All right that’s it! You’re yelling and I don’t see you taking your top off! I quit! Rachel: What do you mean you quit?! You can’t quit! Joey: Why not?! Rachel: Because you’re not finished yet and I won’t have it! Greens do not quit! Joey: Greens? I’m a Tribbiani! And Tribbianis quit! Rachel: Oh my God, wait did I—I just said Greens don’t quit didn’t I? Did I just say Greens don’t quit?! Joey: Yes! Yes! You did and you’re still yelling at me! Rachel: No! No! No! I’m not yelling at you, I’m just yelling near you. Oh God Joey, ohh I’m my father. Oh my God, this is horrible! I’ve been trying so hard not to be my mother I did not see this comin’. Oh, Joey, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I just wanted you to learn. Joey: Well, hey I did learn. Rachel: Really? Joey: Yeah! Come on. Rachel: Awww… Joey: Yeah, it’s okay. I know what a mainsail is. I know, I know to duck when the boom comes across. I-I know port is right. Rachel: Left. Joey: Damnit! Phoebe: Y’know, I bet it would actually make my grandmother very happy to know that we’re trying to figure out her recipe. I bet she’s l-l-lookin’ up at us and smiling right now. Ross: Looking up? Phoebe: Oh yeah—No, she was really nice to me, but she’s in hell for sure. Monica: Well, I’ve tried everything. I give up. I guess I’m not gonna be the mom who makes the world’s best chocolate cookies. I do make the best duck confit with broccoli rabe.  Kids love that right. Ross: Aww, Pheeb, come on isn’t there any relative that would have the recipe? What about, what about your sister? Phoebe: Oh no-no, no, I made a promise to myself that the next time I would talk to Ursula would be over my dead body. And that’s not happening ‘til October 15th, 2032. Ross: That’s the day you’re gonna die? See—darnit, I’ve got shuffleboard that day. Phoebe: That’s what you think. Monica: Well, I mean what about friends of your grandmother’s? Wouldn’t they have the recipe? Phoebe: Well, y’know I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother, Nesele Tolouse. Monica: What was her name? Phoebe: Nesele Toulouse. Monica: Nestle Tollhouse?! Phoebe: Oh, you Americans always butcher the French language. Monica: Phoebe: Ohh. Monica: I cannot believe that I just spent the last two days trying to figure out the recipe and it was in my cupboard the whole time! Phoebe: I know! You see it is stuff like this which is why you’re burning in hell!! Chandler: So you understand, I’d feel a lot more comfortable if you didn’t tell people what happened. Y’know, I’m a little…I’m a little embarrassed about it. Mr. Geller: I understand completely, there’s nothing more horrifying than embarrassing yourself in front of your in-laws. As a matter of fact, when I started dating Judy I was unemployed, and her father asked me what I did for a living and I told him I was a lawyer. Chandler: What did you do when they found out? Mr. Geller: They never did, so if ever see me giving them legal advice just nod along. Shall we? Chandler: So I guess we wear swimsuits in here! Ending Credits Rachel: Well Joey, I hate to admit it, your way of sailing is a lot more fun. Joey: Yeah, yeah. Hey, why don’t you give a pull on that rope? Rachel: Ohh we’re not sailing. Joey: Just pull on it. Rachel: All right. Sandwiches! Joey: What else? Rachel: Here you go. Joey: Thank you. Rachel: Oh wow! Joey: What are you doing? Rachel: Ohh, sorry. Joey: What you—don’t hold it like that! You’re lettin’ all the good stuff fall out. Rachel: Ohh whoops. Joey: Careful! You’re wasting good pastrami! Oh my God! I’m my dad! End Written by: Brian Boyle Directed by: David Schwimmer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Mac: C.H.E.E.S.E: You can say that again Mac. Mac: Well, I couldn’t have done it without you buddy. You’re a genius. C.H.E.E.S.E: Oh yeah? Well then how come I can’t get my VCR to stop blinking 12:00? Joey: So, what did you guys think? Monica: Chandler: It’s your mommy. It’s your mommy. Ross: Ohhhh… Rachel: That’s nice. Joey: Rachel: Well that was umm…Okay. Ross: It wasn’t the best. Chandler: That was one of the worse things ever. And not just on TV. Monica: Wh-what are we gonna tell him? Ross: Well, the lighting was okay. Rachel: Ohh no you don’t! You got lighting last time, lighting is mine! Monica: And I have costumes. Ross: Oh great! That means I’m stuck with, "So, we were watching you in there and you were sittin’ right here! Whoa!" Rachel: What are you gonna do Pheebs? Phoebe: I don’t know. I don’t know. I can’t lie to him again. Oh no I—no! I’m just gonna press my breasts up against him. Chandler: And say nothing? Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah that’s right. Joey: It wasn’t that good. Opening Credits Monica: Phoebe, do you think that your favorite animal says much about you? Phoebe: What? You mean behind my back? Rachel: Oh! Hi you guys, oh my God! You’ll never gonna believe happened to me today! I am sitting in my office and… Joey: You guys! You guys! You’re not gonna believe what my agent just told me! Rachel: Joey! Kinda in the middle of a story here! Joey: Ooh, sorry. Sorry. You finish, go. Rachel: Okay, so anyway I’m sittin’ in my office and guess who walks in. Joey: I’m gonna be on two TV shows! Monica and Phoebe: Oh, that’s great!! Rachel: Joey! Joey: Oh, you weren’t finished? Rachel: Yeah! Guess who walks into my office is the end of my story. Ralph Lauren walked into my office! Joey: Uh Rach, if you’re gonna start another story, at least let me finish mine. Rachel: It’s the same story. Joey: Wow, it’s really long. Rachel: Anyway, Ralph just came in to tell me that he’s so happy with my work that he wants me to be the new merchandising manager for polo retail. Monica: Still get a discount on wedding dresses? Rachel: Yeah! Monica: I’m so happy for you! Joey: Well, these really are the days of our lives. Monica: What?! Joey: Well, since you ask. They want me back on Days of Our Lives! Phoebe: Oh God! Rachel: I got—I get a big pay raise! Phoebe: Oh hey! Joey: I’ll be playing Drake Remoray’s twin brother, Stryker! Monica: Oooh! Rachel: I get to hire my own assistant! Monica and Phoebe: Ahhh!! Joey: Well—I got a head rush from standing up to fast right there. Rachel: And you were at this job for four years? Hilda: That’s right. Rachel: Okay, well this is all very impressive Hilda, um I just have one last question for you. Uh, how did I do? Was this okay? Hilda: What? Rachel: I’ve never interviewed anyone before. I’ve actually never had anyone work for me before. Although when I was a kid, we did have a maid, but this is-this isn’t the same thing. Hilda: No dear. It’s not. Rachel: No. Yeah, and I know that. All right, well thank you so much for coming in it was nice to meet you. Hilda: Thank you! Good meeting you. Rachel: All right. I’m a total pro! Man: Hello? Rachel: Wow! H-umm! Hi! Yes, uh I’m sorry the models are actually down the hall. Man: Actually, I’m here about the assistant job. Rachel: Really?! Okay well then, all right, well just have a seat there. Umm, so what’s—what is—what’s your name? Man: Tag Jones. Rachel: Uh-huh, go on. Tag: That’s it. That’s my whole name. Rachel: That’s your whole name, okay of course it is! Okay, well let’s-let’s just have a look-see here. Tag: I know I haven’t worked in an office before, and I really don’t have a lot of experience, but uh… Rachel: Oh come on, what are you talking about? You’ve got three years painting houses. Two whole summers at T.G.I. Friday’s, come on! Tag: It’s lame, I know. But I’m a goal-oriented person, very eager to learn… Rachel: Okay, hold on just a second. I’m sorry, it’s for human resources, everybody has to do it. Could you just stand up please? Chandler: No-no-no-no. Phoebe: Anyway, I should go. Okay, bye. Monica: Hey sweetie. Chandler: Hi sweetie. So, what was with all the whispering? Monica: I can’t tell you. It’s a secret. Chandler: Secret? Married people aren’t supposed to have secrets between one another. We have too much love and respect for one another. Monica: Awww. But still no. Chandler: No I’m serious, we should tell each other everything. I do not have any secrets from you. Monica: Really? Okay, so why don’t you tell me what happened to Ross Junior year at Disneyland? Chandler: Oh no-no, I can’t do that. Monica: If you tell me, I’ll tell you what Phoebe said. Chandler: Okay. Monica: Okay. Chandler: So, Ross and I are going to Disneyland and we stop at this restaurant for tacos. And when I say restaurant, I mean a guy, a hibachi, and the trunk of his car. So Ross has about 10 tacos. And anyway, we’re on Space Mountain and Ross starts to feel a little iffy. Monica: Oh my God. He threw up? Chandler: No, he visited a little town south of throw up. So what was Phoebe’s secret? Monica: Oh, Nancy Thompson from Phoebe’s old massage place is getting fired. Chandler: That’s it?! I gave up my Disneyland story for that? Monica: That’s right! You lose sucker!! Please still marry me. Rachel: Chandler, you have an assistant right? Chandler: Did she call? You-you told her I was sick right? Always tell her I am sick! Rachel: No, I-I just don’t know how you decide who to hire. I mean I’ve got it narrowed down to two people. One of them has great references and a lot of experience and then there’s this guy… Chandler: What about him? Rachel: I love him. He’s so pretty I wanna cry! I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do. Phoebe: Come on you know what to do! You hire the first one! You don’t hire an assistant because they’re cute, you hire them because they’re qualified. Rachel: Uh-huh. No, I hear what you’re saying and-and-and that makes a lot of sense but can I just say one more thing? Look how pretty! Phoebe: Let’s see. Rachel: Okay you’re right. I’ll hire Hilda tomorrow. Dumb old perfect for the job Hilda! Chandler: Let me see this guy. W-H-Wow! Don’t show this to Monica! And don’t tell her about the W-H-Wow! Terry: Hey-hey-hey Joey! Joey: Hey Terry! Terry: Good to see you again! Joey: It’s been a while, huh? Wow, it’s funny these halls look smaller then they used to. Terry: It’s a different building. Joey: So! Stryker Remoray huh? When do you want me to start? Terry: Why don’t we start right now! Joey: Okay. Terry: Here are the audition scenes. Joey: Audition? I thought you were gonna offer me the part. Terry: Why would you think that? Joey: Well, I was Dr. Drake Remoray, Stryker’s twin brother. I mean, who looks more me than me right? Terry: Everybody has to audition. Joey: Y’know Terry, I-I don’t really need to do this. I got my own cable TV series, with a robot. Terry: I’m sorry Joey that’s…that’s the way it is. Joey: Well. I guess you think you’re pretty special huh? Sittin’ up here in your fancy small hall building. Makin’ stars jump through hoops for ya, huh? Well y’know what? This is one star who’s hoop… This is a star that the hoop—this hoop—I was Dr. Drake Remoray! Rachel: Hi! Tag. What are you doing here? Tag: I just wanted to come by and thank you for not laughing in my face yesterday. And I noticed there aren’t any plants in your office so I wanted to bring you your first… There is a plant in your office. Rachel: Kinda. Tag: Right. So I guess I shouldn’t put good at noticing stuff on my resume. Rachel: Oh-ohh, thank you. Tag: Anyway, I’m guessing you hired somebody. Rachel: Well… Tag: Gotcha. Thanks again for meeting with me. Rachel: But I hired you! Tag: What? Rachel: Yeah! You-you got the job! You’re my new assistant! Tag: I am?! Rachel: Yeah! Tag: I can’t believe it! Rachel: Me either. Umm, all right, first thing I need you to do is go downstairs and find a women named Hilda and tell her to go home. Chandler: Hey. Monica: Hey! Good, you’re home! Chandler: Oh it’s always nicer to here than, "Aw crap! You again!" Monica: Hey baby. Chandler: Hey. Monica: I made you a surprise. Chandler: Oh yeah? Monica: Yeah, tacos! Ever since you told me that story I’ve had such a craving for them. Chandler: Did you not understand the story? Ross: Hey! Chandler: Hey! What’s up? Monica: Ross! Ross: Oh, nothin’ much. Just trying to figure out what I’m gonna do for dinner. Chandler: Huh. Ross: Hey—Ooh! What’s-what’s that, dinner stuff? You making dinner? Chandler: No! Shhh! Ross: What you got over there? Tacos? Monica: No! No. They’re umm… They’re just uh…ground beef smileys. Ross: Uhh, those are tacos. Monica: Excuse me Mr. Mexico. Ross: Eh, either way I’ll pass. What’s so funny?! Monica: I’m not laughing. Ross: You told her! Chandler: Nancy Thompson’s getting fired! Ross: Look, okay-okay I had food poisoning! It’s not like I choose to do it! It’s not like—It’s not like I said, "Umm, what would make this ride more fun?!" Monica: You’re right. I mean I’m sorry. Yeah, I shouldn’t be laughing. I should be laying down papers for you! Ross: How could you tell her?! Chandler: I had too okay?! We’re getting married! Married couples can’t keep secrets from one another! Ross: Oh really? Well I-I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City. Chandler: Du-ude! Monica: What happened in Atlantic City?! Ross: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar… Chandler: Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude?!" Ross: And this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after awhile he-he goes over to her and uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you’re thinking, Chandler’s not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls, and you’re right, Chandler’s not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with…girls. Monica: You kissed a guy?!! Oh my God. Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy. Ross: Oh Mon, I laughed so hard… Chandler: Ho-ho, so hard we had to throw out your underwear again? Ross: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy. Commercial Break Rachel: Hi! Joey: Hey. Phoebe: Hey—Ooh, how’s Hilda? Is she working out? Rachel: Ohh, my new assistant is working out, yes. Joey: Was she happy you gave her the job? Rachel: Oh, my-my new assistant has very happy that I hired my new assistant. Joey: They canceled Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E! Phoebe: Sorry. Rachel: I’m sorry Joey. Joey: Why would they do that?! It was a good show right?! Chandler: You wanna tell secrets?! Okay! Okay! In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers! Ross: All right! All right! Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won! Chandler: Ross came in forth and cried! Monica: Oh my God! Ross: Oh, is that funny?! Oh, you-you find that funny?! Well maybe Chandler should know some of your secrets too! Monica: I-I already told him everything! You shush!! Ross: Once Monica was sent to her room without dinner, so she ate the macaroni off a jewelry box she’d made. Monica: Ross used to stay up every Saturday night to watch Golden Girls! Ross: Monica couldn’t tell time ‘til she was 13! Monica: It’s hard for some people! Chandler: Wow—whoa! Monica: Chandler one time wore my underwear to work! Chandler: Hey!!! Monica: Ohh, I’m sorry I couldn’t think of anymore for Ross! Ross: Ohh! Ohh! In college, Chandler got drunk and slept with the lady who cleaned our dorm! Chandler: That was you! Ross: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy. Joey: How could this happen to me?! Yesterday I had two TV shows! Today, I got nothin’! Rachel: Well wait a minute, what happened to Days of Our Lives? Joey: Uh, well they might be a little mad at me over there. Phoebe: What happened? Joey: Well maybe I got a little upset and maybe I told them where they could go. Rachel: Joey, why would you do that? Joey: Because they wanted me to audition! Phoebe: You! An actor?! That’s madness! Tag: Rachel Green’s office. Rachel: Tag? Hi, who was that? Tag: Nobody. I was just practicing. Rachel: Really? Phoebe: Hi! Tag: Hi! Rachel Green’s office. Phoebe: You must be Hilda. Rachel: Yeah, this is Tag. Tag, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, can I see you for a second? Tag: Phoebe! That’s a great name. Phoebe: Oh, you like that? You should hear my phone number. Rachel: Phoebe: So you hired yourself a little treat did ya? Rachel: All right I know, I know how it looks Pheebs, but I’m telling you… Phoebe: But-but you know you cannot get involved with your assistant. Rachel: Yes, I know that. I know that. And I know that hiring him was probably not the smartest thing that I’ve ever done. But I’m telling you, from this moment on I swear this is strictly professional. Yes? Kathy: Hey Rachel! Rachel: Hi! Kathy: Cute assistant! What’s his story? Is he… Rachel: Gay? Yeah. Joey: Hey! Terry. Terry: Joey Tribbiani! I’m surprised your big head could fit through our small halls! I gotta go Joey. Joey: Wait! Terry! Wait—Look—Wait I-I… Look, I’m really sorry about before. I was an idiot thinking I’m too big to audition for you. You gotta give me another chance. Terry: I can’t help you Joey. Joey: Wait! Terry! Please! Look, I just lost my other job. Okay? You have no idea how much I need this. Please, help me out, for old times sake. Nurse #1: This poor guy’s been in a coma for five years. It’s hopeless. Nurse #2: It’s not hopeless! Dr. Stryker Remoray’s a miracle worker. Look, here he comes. Dr. Stryker Remoray: Good morning. Drake, it’s your brother Stryker. Can you hear me? The Director: And cut! Joey: I’m back baby! Ha-ha-ha! Monica: Y’know, in my defense, umm there was no glitter on the macaroni and very little glue. Ross: And in my defense, the cleaning lady came on to me! Chandler: You have no trouble telling time now right? Monica: No! Chandler: Quick! What time is it?! Monica: I don’t know! Time to kiss a guy maybe?! Chandler: Y’know when I said that because we’re getting married that we should share everything and not have any secrets? Monica: Yeah? Chandler: Yeah that was stupid. Let’s not do that. Monica: Ohh, absolutely. Ross: And! We should keep all the stuff uh, we told each other secret from everybody else. Monica: Yeah, definitely! Ross: Okay, if you’ll excuse me, I-I’m gonna go hang out with some people who don’t know the Space Mountain story. Monica: Then, I’d steer clear of Phoebe. Ross: Man! Chandler: Yeah, and not that you would, but I wouldn’t hang out with…all the guys in my office. Ending Credits Rachel: Tag: Do you have a minute? Rachel: Well yeah, sure, what’s up? Tag: I got asked out twice today when I was at lunch…by guys. Rachel: Oh really?! Tag: Yeah. Did you tell someone that I was gay? Rachel: Oh, did you not want people to know that? Tag: But I’m not gay. And I especially wouldn’t want you to think I was gay. Rachel: Why’s that? Tag: I don’t think I should say. Rachel: Ohh, you can say. Come on, I don’t want you to feel like you can’t tell me things. Tag: Okay. Rachel: ‘Kay. Tag: Well… Rachel: Yeah. Tag: I’d love to ask out your friend Phoebe. Rachel: Yeah, she’s gay. End Teleplay by: Patty Lin Story by: Earl Davis Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Chandler: Hey. Monica: What’s the matter? Chandler: Someone on the subway licked my neck! Licked my neck!! Phoebe: Oh Willie’s still alive! Chandler: What are you guys doing? Monica: Oh, my mom called, they’re gonna run our engagement announcement in the local paper, so we’re looking for a good picture of us. Chandler: Oooh, I’m afraid that does not exist. Monica: That’s not true, there are great pictures of us! Chandler: No, there are great pictures of you standing next to a guy who’s going like this… Phoebe: Oh my God! That’s the creep that you’re with at the Statue of Liberty. Chandler: I don’t know what it is, I just can’t take a good picture. Monica: Oh, here’s a great one. Chandler: Yeah, I’m not in that. Monica: I know, but look at me all tan. Phoebe: Hey, why don’t you guys go, get portraits done by a professional photographer. Monica: That’s a good idea! I bet they have one of those wind machines! Y’know… Phoebe: Yeah that’s great! Next to that, Chandler won’t look so stupid. Monica: Chandler what do you say? Chandler: All right, but I should warn you, I’m not going. I’m going. Opening Credits Ross: Dude, that reverse lay-up! Oh… Chandler: How about those three pointers? Ross: Amazing! Chandler: And those guys were this close to lettin’ us play this time too. Rachel: Hey look-look, Phoebe’s talking to uh, Cute Coffeehouse Guy. Ross: Oh, you guys call him Cute Coffeehouse Guy, we call him Hums While He Pees. Chandler: Yes, and we call Ross Lingers In The Bathroom. Phoebe: Hey you guys, Hums While He Pees just asked me out! Rachel: Hey, I thought that guy was married. Phoebe: He is! But he’s getting divorced—Ross! Maybe you know him. Ross: It’s not a club. Rachel: Phoebe, if this guy’s going through a divorce, is it such a good idea to start going out with him? Ross: Hey, divorced men are not bad men! Chandler: They have that on the napkins at the club. Rachel: Oh, I gotta get back to work. Phoebe: You don’t have to be back for a half-hour! Rachel: Yeah but, my assistant Tag does sit-ups in the office during lunch. Ohh! I could just spread him on a cracker. Chandler: Rach, if you have a crush on this guy, why would you hire him? I mean y’know you can’t date him right? Rachel: Oh no, I know that. I know that. Although, we made a joke that we spend so much time together he should call me his work wife. Ross: Soon he’ll be able to call you, that lady he knew who got fired. Rachel: I am not gonna get fired, because I’m not gonna act on it. Phoebe: So you wouldn’t mind if he was dating someone else? Rachel: Why? Is he? He is! Isn’t he? He’s dating that slut in marketing! Ross: Maybe I should open a divorced men’s club. Chandler: Dude that is so sad. Ross: I could put uh-uh a basketball court in the back. Chandler: Could I play? Rachel: Oh, no sit-ups today Tag? Tag: I just did them. Rachel: Oh, well drop and give me ten more! Tag: What? Rachel: Uh, I-I had a drink with lunch. Did those cost reports come in? Tag: Yeah, I filled them out last night? Rachel: Oh, great could you make me four copies of those? Melissa: Hey Rachel! Rachel: Melissa: Umm, is Tag here? Rachel: No. Why? Melissa: Oh, I was gonna talk to him about doing something tonight. Rachel: Really?! Got a little crush on Tag there do ya? Melissa: Well, we’ve been flirting back and forth, but I was hoping that tonight it would turn into something a little more than that. Rachel: Okay, whoa-whoa easy there Melissa! This ain’t a locker room, okay? But, y’know I remember him saying that-that he had plans tonight. Melissa: Oh no! Rachel: Oh yeah. All right, back to work. Melissa: Hey! Isn’t that Tag’s backpack. Rachel: Yeah Melissa, I don’t want to be known as the uh, office bitch, but I will call your supervisor. The Photographer: Great! That’s great Monica! Great! Now, Chandler, you want to give us a smile? Chandler: Okay. The Photographer: I’m sorry, is the seat uncomfortable? Chandler: No, I am. Monica: Chandler, listen to me sweetie, I know you can do this. Okay? You have a beautiful smile. Chandler: I do? Monica: Yeah! All right, maybe you don’t have to smile. Let’s try something else. Let’s try umm, try looking sexy. Chandler: Okay. Monica: Or not. Rachel: Hi Joey! What are you doing here? Joey: Uhh, well I’ve got an audition down the street and I spilled sauce all over the front of my shirt. You got an extra one? Rachel: Yeah, sure. Umm…here. Joey: Great. You got anything that’s not Ralph Lauren? Rachel: Yeah, I don’t think so Joe. Joey: All right, I guess this will be fine. Rachel: Hey, listen umm, what-what are you doing tonight? Joey: Nothing, why? Rachel: How would you feel about taking out my assistant Tag? I’ll pay. Joey: Huh, Rach I got to say it’s gonna take a lot of money for me to go out on a date with a dude. Rachel: I’m not asking you to go on a date with him! Joey: Really? ‘Cause I could kinda use the money. Rachel: Joey, just-just he-he’s new in town and I know he doesn’t have any guy friends. Just take him to like a ball game or something. I’ll really appreciate it. Joey: Yeah, okay. Rachel: Yeah? Joey: Sure, no problem. Ooh—Hey, donuts! Rachel: Yeah! Joey: Okay. Monica: I know. Let’s try a look…of far off…wonderment. Okay, we’ll-we’ll gaze into our future and we’ll think about our marriage and the days to come. Hey! Don’t laugh at him! He’s my drowning moron! Chandler: Aww! Monica: That’s it! Take it! Take it! Take it! Ross: I like this one. It seems to say, "I love you and that’s why I have to kill you." Monica: They can’t all be bad. Find the one where you make your bedroom eyes. Ohh, there it is. Chandler: Oh my God! Those are my bedroom eyes?! Why did you ever sleep with me? Monica: Do you really want to pull at that thread? Phoebe: I’m having a really good time! Hums While He Pees: Me too! I’m sorry that guy in the subway licked your neck. Phoebe: Ohh. No that’s okay, he’s a friend. Hums While He Pees: Hey uh, I don’t mean to be presumptuous but I have these two tickets to the ballroom dancing finals tomorrow night if you want to go? Phoebe: Yeah, I… Well y’know I-I mean I missed the-the semi-finals, so I’d just be lost. Hums While He Pees: I know it’s really lame, but I got these tickets from my boss and—Oh no! No! No! My God! Phoebe: Okay, don’t freak out. I’ll go. Hums While He Pees: No it’s… Uh, my ex-wife Whitney is out there. I cannot deal with her right now. That woman is crazy! Phoebe: Okay, I know. Hold on. Hey Ross? Ross: Yeah? Phoebe: Yeah, umm that’s Whitney , Kyle’s ex-wife out there, now do you think that you can y’know divert her so that we can slip out? Ross: What?! No! Phoebe: Well okay but I have two tickets to the ballroom dance finals. Ross: Look, I don’t think so Pheebs. Phoebe: Hi Ginger. Ross: All right! I want my key back! Phoebe: I don’t have it! Ross: It’s right there! Phoebe: Ugh, okay Sherlock! Ross: Look, I’m sorry but you-you-you better go Pheebs. Phoebe: All right, well I just wanted to say thank you though for diverting Kyle’s ex. Ross: Oh yeah—No—You’re welcome. We’ll talk about it later. Phoebe: Okay. Ross: Hi Whitney. Whitney: Hi Ross! You ready for breakfast? Ross: Yep. Okay. Phoebe: Kyle’s ex-wife? You were supposed to divert her not date her! Ross: Hi! I’m sorry, but can you give me a second while I talk to this woman, who by the way did not spend the night. Whitney: Sure. Ross: Okay. I did divert her and we ended up having a great time! Okay? Phoebe: Watching ballroom dancing? Ross: Yes! That’s where we realized we were both super cool people! Phoebe: Well look-look, okay Ross, Kyle just told me some really bad stuff about her. Ross: Like what? Phoebe: Like she’s really mean, and she’s over critical, and-and—No! She will paint a room a really bright color without even checking with you! Ross: Okay. Phoebe: And! She uses sex as a weapon! Ross: Fine! Thank you for warning me. At breakfast I’ll be on full alert for room painting and sex weapons. Phoebe: You’re still gonna go out with her?! Ross: Yeah! Phoebe: Well, didn’t you just hear what I said?! Ross: Pheebs come on! I mean, consider the source! Of course her ex-husband’s gonna say that stuff. Now, if you’ll excuse me… Phoebe: No listen to me! She is crazy! Whitney: Uh, your door isn’t sound proof. Phoebe: You see? Nothing is good enough for her! Tag: Good morning. Rachel: Hi Tag! Hey, so did you have fun with uh, with Joey last night? Tag: Oh yeah! We went to the Knicks game. Rachel: Ohh that’s nice. Tag: Then we went to this bar and he hooked us up with all these women! Rachel: Wo-women? You mean like old women? Tag: Well kinda old, like 30. Rachel: Oh. Tag: And I never used to be able to just talk to girls in bars, but I got like 20 phone numbers last night. Rachel: That’s great! Wow man, so Joey must’ve really taught you some stuff huh? Tag: A little. Rachel: Yeah? Tag: How you doin’? Commercial Break Joey: See? That’s a great smile! Easy. Natural. Now, pretend I have a camera. You’re changing it! Chandler: I can’t help it! Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, you wanna know what I do when I take resume shots? Chandler: Borrow money from me? Joey: Okay, first—first of all, you want to make it look spontaneous. I look down , you’re looking down, keep looking down… Chandler: Why is there jelly on your shoe? Joey: I had a donut. Rachel: Hi! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Rachel: So uh, heard you had some fun with Tag last night. Joey: Yeah! That guy’s all right! Rachel: Yeah and you had fun teaching him how to be all Joey. Joey: What? Rachel: Y’know, all the women. Joey: Hey well, you can’t teach someone to be good with women. Y’know, that’s why I never had any luck with Chandler. Chandler: I’m right here! Rachel: All right, would-would you mind just not going out with him again? Okay, just the idea of you and he and all these women, it’s just—And I know he’s my assistant and I can’t date him—but it just bothers me, all right?! Joey: Hey! No-no-no-no, you can’t take him away from me! I got a great partner to pick up girls with! Finally!! Chandler: I’m still right here! Rachel: All right, will you, will you at least tell him how hollow and unsatisfying this, dating tons of women thing is! Joey: What?! Rachel: I just don’t want him to meet anybody until I am over my crush—And I will get over it. It’s-it’s not like I love him, it’s just physical! But—I mean I get crushes like this all the time! I mean hell, I had a crush on you when I first met ya! Joey: I know, Monica told me. Chandler: Did you have a crush on me, when you first met me? Rachel: Yeah. Sure. Chandler: Can you people not see me?! Rachel: So, will you talk to him? Joey: I don’t know Rach. Rachel: Oh, come on! I’ll give you ten free Ralph Lauren shirts. Joey: One! No ten! You said ten! You can’t take that back! Tag: Hey Joey, you wanted to talk to me? Joey: I don’t know. You uh, you got something for me? Tag: Oh, yeah, this is from Rachel. Joey: Ten. Okay. Now Tag there’s such a thing as to many women. Tag: Really? Joey: Yeah, for you! Monica: Hey! There you are! Chandler: There I am! Monica: Are you okay? Chandler: Yeah, Joey said I uh, I needed to relax so he gave me an antihistamine. Monica: What?! Chandler: Yeah, and then I fell asleep on the subway and went all the way to Brooklyn. Brooklyn is f-far!! Monica: Chandler, what were you thinking? Chandler: I don’t know, but don’t worry, don’t worry, because I know how to take a picture now. Monica: Chandler? Chandler: Phoebe: Hi. Ross: Hi. Phoebe: So, how are things going with crazy? Has she cooked your rabbit yet? Ross: Listen, you are hearing one side of the story, okay—and F.Y.I she must’ve shown Kyle over 30 paint samples before she painted that room! And his response to each one was, "I don’t give a tiny rat’s ass." Phoebe: Yeah well, maybe she should’ve spent a little less time decorating and a little more time in the bedroom. Ross: Well, I don’t think we are gonna have that problem, but maybe that’s just because I am not emotionally unavailable! Phoebe: You think he’s emotionally unavailable? Ross: I think he can be. Phoebe: Well, maybe he wouldn’t be she didn’t bring the office home every night! Ross: Well, excuse her for knowing what she wants to do with her life! Phoebe: Yeah well, she certainly knew what she was doing New Year’s Eve 1997. Ross: I knew you were gonna throw that in my face!! That was three years ago! She apologized and she apologized! What more do you want?!! Phoebe: We want the last six years back!! Ross: So do we!! So do we!! I’m sorry you had to see that. Tag: Good morning Rachel. Rachel: Hi! Thanks, hey so uh what’d you do last night? Tag: Went out with Joey. Rachel: Oh yeah? Another night of birdogging the chickas? Tag: No. We had a really good talk. I don’t think I’m gonna do that bar scene anymore. Rachel: Wow! I did not see that coming. Tag: It’s just not really who I am. Y'know, I’ve always been happier when…Why am I telling you this? You don’t care about this stuff. Rachel: Oh no, yes I do! I do! I mean, come on go on, you were, you were saying I am happier when uh, y’know? Tag: When I’m in a relationship, I love having a girlfriend. Rachel: Really? Tag: Someone I can spoil, y’know? Rachel: Sp-spoil? Tag: Uh-huh! Let me ask you something? Rachel: Uh-huh. Tag: Do you believe that there is one perfect person for everyone? Rachel: Well, I-I’m startin’ too. Tag: And if that person is already in your life, you should do something about it right? Rachel: Yes! Hell yes! Tag: All right then, it’s settled. Rachel: Okay. Tag: I’m gettin’ back together with my ex-girlfriend. Rachel: I’d love to! Tag: What? Rachel: Yeah! Ross: My God! Phoebe: Oh, I’m sorry. Is that annoying? And speaking about being selfish in bed, how’s Whitney? Ross: Well maybe she wouldn’t have to be selfish in bed if someone else knew where everything was! Phoebe: Oh he knows! For the most part. Kyle: Oh hey! Good, you’re both here. Whitney: We kinda need to talk. Phoebe: Both of you together? Ross: Wh-what’s up? Whitney: Well, I went over to Kyle’s last night to pick up a few things and we got to reminiscing… Kyle: …we talked through most of the night and we realized that the reason we were so angry at each other was because there are still feelings there. So… Ross: Oh just say it Kyle! Kyle: We’re gonna give it another try. Phoebe: What about her whining and her constant need for attention?! Whitney: I’m gonna work on that. Phoebe: Oh right, because you’re so capable of change. Ross: Y’know, he hums when he pees! Whitney: I do know. Ross: It makes him miss the bowl, but whatever. Whitney: We’re so sorry. Ross: That’s all right, we-we don’t need you. In fact, hey I’m over it already. Phoebe: Yeah, and y’know what? I don’t give a tiny rat’s ass. Kyle: Yeah, we’re gonna go. Ross: I’m sorry. Ugh, Pheebs, you were, you were right about her. Y’know, she did try to use sex as a weapon! Yeah, I hurt my back a little. Phoebe: Oh. Y’know, he hums while he does other stuff to. Ross: Yeah, were better off without them. Phoebe: And y’know, even if they break up again, you’d better not let him in your sad men’s club! Ross: Divorced men’s club. Phoebe: Potato, Potaato. Ending Credits Monica: Hey guys check it out! My mom sent me the paper! Phoebe: Ooh, let’s see it! Chandler: Ahhh. Monica: Okay. Chandler: Oh yeah, that looks good. Phoebe: You guys make a very attractive couple. Joey: Yeah, we look great together. Monica: Yeah, we really do! Chandler: Okay. Monica: Wow! Imagine what our kids would look like! Joey: Y’know, we don’t have to imagine. Chandler: I’m marrying her. Joey: We’ll just see. End Written by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Monica: Okay, the reason why I asked you guys out to brunch today is because I have been doing some thinking about who should be my maid of honor. Rachel: Oh my God! This is it! I really hope it’s you! Phoebe: I hope it’s you. Rachel: Me too! Monica: First of all um, I love you both so much and you’re both so important to me… Rachel: Okay, bla-bla-bla-bla!! Who is it?! Monica: Well umm, I was thinking that maybe we could come up with a system where we trade of being maid of honor for each other. Like hypothetically, if Phoebe were mine… Phoebe: Yes!!! Oh!! Rachel: Hypothetically! Phoebe: Still. Monica: If Phoebe were my maid of honor… Rachel: Uh-hmm. Monica: Rachel would be Phoebe’s, I would be Rachel’s, that way we all get to do it once and no one would get upset. Rachel: Yeah that’s actually a pretty good idea. Phoebe: Yeah, I’ll do that. So who gets to be yours? Monica: Well that’s the best part. Umm, you guys get to decide! Phoebe: Wh-why is that the best part? Monica: Because then I don’t have to! Rachel: Well of course we will help you decide! We will do anything we can to help you! Now, I would like to make a toast, to the future Mrs. Chandler Bing , my best friend, and truly one of the nicest people that… Monica: I’m really not deciding! Rachel: Fine! Woman: Excuse me, I-I couldn’t help overhearing, you’re marrying Chandler Bing? Monica: Yeah that’s right. Woman: Huh, good luck! Phoebe: Aww, and good luck to you too! What a nice lady! Opening Credits Chandler: Die Hard still great! Joey: Yep. Hey, what do you say we make it a double feature? Chandler: What’d you rent? Joey: Die Hard 2. Chandler: Joey, this is Die Hard 1 again. Joey: Oh, well we watch it a second time and its Die Hard 2! Ross: Joey, we just saw it! Joey: And? Ross: And it’ll be cool to see it again! Yeah! Joey and Ross: Die Hard!!!!!! Ross: Dude, you didn’t say Die Hard. Is everything okay? Chandler: Yeah, I just got uh, got plans. Ross: Well, John McLane had plans! Chandler: No, see the thing is I want to get out of here before Joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody bitch. Joey: What are you talking about? Bitch. Phoebe: Hey Rachel? Rachel: Yeah? Phoebe: Umm, when I get married will you be my maid of honor? Rachel: Really?! Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Rachel: Oh my God Phoebe! I mean I’m just—Wait a minute. If I’m your maid of honor that means you are Monica’s. Phoebe: Oh! Well, if that’s what you want… Rachel: Ohh! No way Phoebe! I want to be Monica’s! Phoebe: But why does it even matter?! Rachel: Why does it matter so much to you?! Phoebe: Because this one is now! And-and it’s two of our best friends! Who knows what you’re gonna marry! Rachel: What-what if I marry Ross—Or Joey? Phoebe: You wouldn’t! Okay look, Rachel I know you really want to do this, but I-I’ve never been maid of honor to anyone before! And I know you’ve done it at least twice! Rachel: Yeah but Phoebe… Phoebe: And no, oh please, oh please let me finish. Oh I guess that was it. Rachel: Okay. Okay. It’s—since you’ve never done it before you can be Monica’s made of honor. Phoebe: Oh, thank you so much! Okay. Rachel: I’m gonna marry someone good y’know. Phoebe: Oh I know. Rachel: Better than Chandler. Ross: What happened?!! Joey: Well, I don’t know!! Ross: We fell asleep! That is all. Joey: Yeah. Yep. Yeah. All right, well uh, I’d better go. Ross: I think that would be best. Joey: Yeah. All right, I’ll talk to you later. Ross: Okay. But not about this! Joey: No! Never! Never! Bye. Ross: No touch! No touch! Monica: Yeah hey, a weird thing happened today whey I was at brunch. This woman overheard that I was marrying you and-and then she…she wished me good luck. Chandler: That’s sweet. Monica: No, it’s more like a good luck. Chandler: So uh, what did this woman look like? Monica: She was like 30, dark hair, attractive. Chandler: Well, is there any chance you were looking into a bright, shiny thing called a mirror? Monica: Come on, was it somebody maybe you dated in college? Chandler: No, no I only dated two girls in college, both blonde, both not attractive… Hold on one second; let me check this out. (He gets up and grabs a photo album. Monica: What are you doing? Chandler: Well, let’s see… Monica: Oh my God yes! Who is she? Chandler: Julie Grath, my camp girlfriend. Monica: Did you break up with her? Chandler: No, we’re still together. Yeah we went out for two summers, and then I broke up with her. Monica: Why? Chandler: Well, ‘cause she came back the third summer and she’d gotten really fa-aa-aw-ow… Monica: Fat?! Chandler: I did not say fat! I said, "Fa-aa-aw-ow…" Monica: You broke up with a girl because she was fat?! Chandler: Yeah. Yeah, but it was a really, really long time ago! Does she still feel bad? Monica: Well, apparently she does. Chandler: Well, you know what they say, elephants never forget. Seriously, good luck marrying me. Joey: Hey! What’s going on? Rachel: Phoebe is gonna be Monica’s maid of honor! Joey: Hey! Well I hope it goes better than the last time you did it for that girl downstairs, remember? Rachel: You have been maid of honor before?!! Phoebe: See? This is exactly why you shouldn’t lie! Rachel: All right that’s it! I am maid of honor! Phoebe: Na-uh, I am! Rachel: How come you are?! Phoebe: Because I cared enough to lie! Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, I can help you decide who should do it! Yeah, we could have like uh, like an audition and see how you’d handle maid of honor type situations. Phoebe: What are you talking about? Joey: Like when I want a job, I go to an audition and if I’m the best of the people they see, they give me the part. Phoebe: Okay, so after this audition, who decides who gets it? Joey: Oh uh, me and Ross can be the judges. Phoebe: Well, it’s better than us deciding. Rachel: Oh, come on! This is crazy! Can’t we just flip a coin?! Phoebe: No! Coins hate me! Rachel: Okay. Okay fine, y’know what? We will let Ross and Joey decide. Hiiiii, Ross! Sweetie. Phoebe: Hey there, you handsome thing. Ross: Wow, this cologne really is every bit as good as Georgio. Joey: Hi. Ross: Just uh, brought back your videos. Joey: Uh hey look uh Ross, look I think we need to talk about before. Ross: No! No we don’t! Joey: Yes we do! Now look, that was the best nap I ever had!! Ross: I… I don’t know what you are talking about. Joey: Come on! Admit it! That was the best nap you ever had! Ross: I’ve had better. Joey: Okay! When?! Ross: All right! All right! It was the best nap ever! Joey: Uh-huh! Ross: I’ve said it! Okay?! But it’s over Joey! Joey: I want to do it again. Ross: We can’t do it again. Joey: Why not? Ross: Because it’s weird! Joey: Fine! Do you want something to drink? Ross: Sure, what do you got? Joey: Warm milk and Excedrin P.M. Commercial Break Monica: Chandler! Chandler! I just figured out who you are! Chandler: Can you figure out what I’m doing? Monica: You’re Lewis Posin. Chandler: Who? Monica: Lewis Posin! He was my best friend in fifth grade, and-and then one day I asked him to be my boyfriend and he said no. Do you know why? Chandler: Because you kept talking to him while he was trying to go to the bathroom?! Monica: No! But because he thought I was to faaaaa…. And every time I think about it, it makes me feel as bad as I did in fifth grade! Y’know, I-I really think that you should apologize to Julie. Chandler: What? Are you kidding? That was like 16 years ago. Monica: No, I know. But y’know what? It would make me feel better if Lewis apologized to me. Chandler: Okay, I will do it. But I have to warn you; this may make me a better person and that is not the man you feel in love with! Joey: Okay, all right, this is how it’s going to work. We’re gonna give you hypothetical maid of honor situations and you will be scored on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the highest. Ross: No, 10 is the highest. Joey: Why is 10 the highest? Ross: Because it’s the highest. Joey: I don’t want to marry Chandler! Rachel: Okay, uh… Joey: I’ve got cold feet. Rachel: …it’s gonna be okay! Joey: No, one man for the rest of my life? I don’t know if I can do it! This means I’ll never get to sleep with Joey! Rachel: Look Monica, getting cold feet is very common. Y’know, it’s-it’s just because of all the anticipation and you just have to remember that you love Chandler. And also, I ran out on a wedding. You don’t get to keep the gifts. Joey: Very good! Drawing on your own experience, I like that! Rachel: Thanks! Ross: Yes, very nice Rachel. Rachel: Thank you judges. Phoebe: Ugh, what a kiss ass. Rachel: Oh! Joey: Okay, Phoebe… Phoebe: Yes! Your honor? Joey: We’re now in the ceremony, Monica is about to say, "I do" when her drunk uncle starts yelling. What do you do? Go! Ross: —Ooh!! Ow! Very good! Phoebe: Oh! Joey: Yes! Excellent! Perfect score! Rachel: Wait a minute! She just made a scene in the middle of the ceremony! Phoebe: Hey! Do you want do you want a little taste of Pheebs?! Ross: It is time for you to give your maid of honor speech. Rachel: Ohh, wait a minute, we haven’t pre… Ross: Go! Rachel: Okay! Okay! Umm, Webster’s Dictionary defines marriage as… Okay!! Forget that! That sucks!! Okay, never mind! Forget it! Umm, umm, okay, uh… I met, I-I met, I met Monica when we were just a couple of six year olds and I became friends with Chandler when he was 25, although he seemed like a six year old. Ross and Joey: Oh! That’s nice. Rachel: Thank you. Thank you very much. Umm, I’ve known them separately and I’ve known them together and-and to know them as a couple is to know that you are truly in the presence of love. So I would like to raise my glass to Monica and Chandler and the beautiful adventure they are about to embark upon together. I can think of no two people better prepared for the journey. Joey: Wow. Good speech. Ross: Yeah, it really was! Rachel: Aw, thanks! Ross: Okay Phoebe, I guess you’re next although I really don’t see the point. Joey: Yeah. Phoebe: Okay, I can’t believe that Monica and Chandler are getting married. I remember talking about this day with Rachel while we were showering together, naked. Joey: And she’s back in the game. Chandler: Julie hi! Chandler Bing, I, I guess you remember me. Julie: Hello Skidmark. Chandler: It’s a nickname, I’ll explain later. Monica: It’s pretty clear. Chandler: Ah, uh, I owe you a long overdue apology. I never should have broken up with you because you were overweight. Julie: That’s why you broke up with me? Chandler: You-you-you didn’t know that. Well, I guess my work here is done! Joey: All right, well first of all I would like to say that you both performed very well. Okay? You should be proud of yourselves. And-and I would also like to say that in this competition there are no losers. Well, except for Rachel—Damnit! Phoebe: Really?! I won! Rachel: What?! Ross: I’m sorry Rach, it was, it was really close. Rachel: Well then I demand a recount! Ross: Actually, it wasn’t that close. Rachel: No! Y’know what? No! No! You thing was so stupid anyway, this was ridiculous—We’re gonna flip a coin! Phoebe: The coins have finally forgiven me! Rachel: Well y’know what? I hope Monica forgives you after you throw her, her vegetarian, voodoo, goddess circley shower! Phoebe: You guys are the best! Joey: Boy I tell ya, that judging stuff took a lot out of me. Ross: Yeah? Joey: Yeah! I was thinking about maybe going upstairs and taking a little nap on my couch. Ross: Why-why would I care about that? Joey: No reason, I’m just saying that uh… That’s where I’ll be. Chandler: As bad as that went I actually enjoyed myself. I think that I’m going to apologize for all of the stupid things I do. Monica: Why don’t you just stop doing stupid things? Then you wouldn’t have to apologize. Chandler: I would really love it if could do both. Monica: All right, I…I have to ask. Chandler: What? Monica: Are you gonna break up with me if I get fat again? Chandler: What?! Monica: Well, you broke up with Julie Grath! How much weight could she have gained? Chandler: A hundred and forty-five pounds. Monica: In one year?! My God what did she eat? Her-her family! That’s not the point. Chandler: Look I know it was a stupid reason to break up with somebody, but I was 15! Monica: Well… That’s not the only time this was an issue. You remember when umm, you spent Thanksgiving with us? You called me fat. Chandler: Okay. Okay, now wait a minute that was totally different. Monica: How? Chandler: You were not supposed to hear that! I said that behind you back! Monica: What if I have babies, okay? I mean I’m gonna look different. I’m okay with that, but I’m not sure that you are! Chandler: Look you have to realize I don’t think of you as a thin, beautiful woman. See this is one of things that I can apologize for later! Look, what I mean is you’re Monica! Okay? And I am in love with Monica. Monica: Keep going. Chandler: So you can balloon up or you can shrink down and I will still love you. Monica: Even if I shrink down to two inches tall? Chandler: I’d carry you around in my pocket. Monica: I love you. Chandler: Skidmark’s still got a way with the ladies. Rachel: Hi Pheebs. Phoebe: Hi! Rachel: Hi! I just want to apologize. I’m really sorry I was a baby. Phoebe: That’s ridiculous Rachel, we were all babies once. Oh, you mean today. Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, and y’know you-you deserve to win. And-and y’know I was thinking about it, if-if you’re Monica’s maid of honor that means I get to be yours. Phoebe: Oh yeah! Rachel: Yeah! Oh, umm when-when Monica and Chandler got engaged I started putting some stuff together, y’know just in case… Phoebe: Oh that’s so sweet thanks. Rachel: Here is a book of poetry that I know Monica loves. And-and ohh God this is funny, look, this is a picture of one Halloween where she dressed up as a bride. Y’know I just thought that maybe they could hold the rings in there. Phoebe: Ohh. Rachel: And umm, vintage handkerchiefs y’know ‘cause, people cry at weddings. I’m just gonna grab a couple of these. Phoebe: This stuff is great! Rachel: Oh, I forgot this was in here. Umm, this was the uh garter that I was saving for my wedding and I wanted it to be Monica’s something borrowed and it’s blue. Yeah… Phoebe: Y’know Rach, I think that, I think you should be Monica’s made of honor. Rachel: You do? Why? Phoebe: Because I think it means more to you. Rachel: But Pheebs, y’know you earned it. Phoebe: Its fine. I mean, this is something that you’ve been thinking about since you were what, 14? Rachel: No, I was ten. I just developed early. Phoebe: Man alive! Monica: Hey, what’s going on? Rachel: Hey! Phoebe: Well, we just decided that Rachel is gonna be your maid of honor. Monica: Rachel: Yeah okay, you laugh now, but she’s gonna be yours. Ending Credits Joey: Great nap. Ross: It really was. Joey: Ross: End Written by: Scott Silveri Directed by: David Schwimmer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Joey: Morning! Rachel: Hi! Oh, how was your date last night? Joey: Pretty good. Rachel: Oh good. Joey: Okay, really good. Anyway I gotta go; I’m late for work. Rachel: What-what?! You’re gonna leave this person with me?! Joey: Yeah—Hey, don’t worry, she’s a terrific girl. And hey listen, could you do me a favor? When she comes out could you just mention that I’m not looking for a serious relationship; that’d be great. Rachel: Why?! What?! Are you kidding?! Joey: Just casually slip it in, y’know lay the groundwork. Tell her uh, I’m a loner—No! An outlaw! Tell her she doesn’t want to get mixed up with the likes of me. Rachel: Y’know what? That’s a lot to remember, can’t I just tell her you’re a pig? Joey: Hey, I’m gonna call her later! Honest! Oh come on, Chandler used to do it! He’d even make the girl pancakes! Plus, he’d make extras and leave ‘em for me. Rachel: Well forget it, I’m not telling that girl anything. That is not my responsibility. Joey: Fine! Joey’s Date: Hi! Rachel: Hi. Joey’s Date: Sorry about that, but I couldn’t get that lock to work on the door. Rachel: Yeah, Joey kinda disabled it when I moved in. Joey’s Date: You must be Rachel, I’m Erin. Rachel: Hi. Erin: Hi. I don’t mean this to sound like high school, but did he say anything about me? Rachel: Would you like some pancakes? Opening Credits Chandler: …Come on! Why are we here?! Ross: Okay, okay take a guess. Chandler: The hot chicks? Ross: Okay, okay, I was typing names into the library computer earlier, y’know-y’know for fun, and I typed mine in and guess what came up? My doctoral dissertation! It’s here! Yeah, it’s right-it’s right down here! In the biggest library in the university! Chandler: Wow that’s actually pretty cool. Ross: What is that? Chandler: Sounds like two people are really enjoying the Dewey decimal system. Female Student: I’m so sorry! Male Student: Sorry! Chandler: You didn’t bring me here to do that, did you? Monica: She sent the chicken back again?! The Waitress: She says it’s to dry now and she wants to come back here and explain to you exactly how she wants it. Monica: Well fine! I want to meet this chicken expert! Send the Colonel in! The Colonel: OH…MY…GAWD!!!! Monica: Janice. Janice: How are you Ms. Hot Shot chef with the big fancy restaurant with the best chicken ever! Monica: I’m fine. Janice: Ohh! What is that on your finger?! I’m blind! Monica: Oh… Uh… Janice: So, who’s the lucky guy? Chandler: OH…MY…GAWD! I am so sorry sweetie, are you okay? You didn’t tell her we were getting married, did you? Monica: Well, she saw the ring. Chandler: Did she freak out? Monica: Well, she was shocked when I told her, but then again so were most people. Chandler: Right. Monica: Well, she actually has a boyfriend y’know herself, named Clark. Uh, she also kinda invited herself to our wedding. Clark too. Chandler: You said no right? Monica: Huh? Chandler: You said no right?! Monica: Well, she corned me! She asked if the wedding was in town! I mean, what was I supposed to do?! Chandler: Lie!!! How hard is that?! The check’s in the mail! Oh your baby is so cute! I can’t wait to read your book Ross!! Monica: Come on! So she comes to the wedding! I mean it won’t be so bad. Chandler: What do you think she’s just gonna sit there quietly? You don’t think she’s gonna want to make a toast? You don’t think she’s gonna want to grab the microphone and sing Part-time Lover?! Monica: Oh my God, she’s not gonna like the chicken that night either is she?! Chandler: Y’know what? It’s gonna be okay. Y’know what? She’s probably not gonna even want to come. Monica: Really? Chandler: No! That was a lie! See how easy that was? Monica: So-so you would’ve just lied? Chandler: Yes!! Monica: Would it really have been that easy? Chandler: Yes!!! Monica: Good, so do it Saturday night because we’re going to dinner with her and Clark. Joey: Hey! What’s up? Phoebe and Rachel: Hey! Joey: Hey-hey, who’s your friend? Hey!! Erin: Hey Joey! Joey: Erin! Still here! Rachel: Yeah, we ended up spending the day together and had such a great time! Joey: Why wouldn’t ya? Erin is great! Then-then there’s you guys. Erin: Ohh, listen. I’ve got to get going. Today was great, thanks! Rachel: I know! Phoebe: Okay! Erin: Bye Joey. Last night was fun. Joey: Yeah. I’ll uh, I’ll call ya. Rachel: Oh and I’ll call ya too! Erin: Or I’ll call you! Phoebe: And call me! Joey: Okay, good to see you again. Erin: Bye. Joey: Bye-bye. Rachel: Bye! Joey: So, system kinda broke down huh?! Rachel: Oh Joey, I’m sorry I just couldn’t tell her all those things you wanted me to tell her. And y’know we got to talking and I… Phoebe: We want you to marry her! Joey: What?!! Phoebe: She is so amazing! You have no idea. Joey: No idea? Who do you think brought her here? Rachel: Cupid. Phoebe: Joey, she’s so cool. She speaks four languages. Joey: Man, do you know what guys want! Rachel: Look Joey, come on she’s so perfect for you! I mean she’s sweet, she-she likes baseball, and she-she had two beers at lunch. Joey: My beers?! Look you guys, she’s a very nice girl. Okay? We had a good time, but I just—I don’t see it going anywhere. Phoebe: Yeah, but you always say that. Rachel: Yeah, maybe if you gave this girl a chance it would go somewhere. Joey: Look I’m sorry you guys, I-I just don’t think so. Phoebe: Whatever. Rachel: Fine. Joey: Hey, don’t start judging me! Huh? And you, you’re the one having the affair with the guy who keeps the pigeons on the roof! Rachel: Phoebe! Phoebe: Secret affair! Ross: People are doing it in front of my book! Rachel: I’m sorry? Ross: My doctoral dissertation is in the library at school, I went to see it, and there were students makin’ babies right in the middle of the Paleontology section! Rachel: Oh my God! Did you get to see anything good? Ross: Let me ask you something, at your school was there a like uh a place on campus where students went to uh, fool around. Rachel: Yeah, there was. It was—there the corner of the library where-where all these dusty books that nobody ever read—Yes, there was. Ross: Great! Because people kept showing up, I think it’s like uh-a thing! Joey: Now hold on a second, fifth floor against that back wall? Ross: Oh for cryin’ out loud! Joey: All right, so we should go catch our movie. Rachel: Well now what’s the rush? Joey: I like to see the previews. The candy. Phoebe: Oh. Hey! Rachel: Well look who’s here! Erin: Hey! Joey: Hey! Erin: Joey. Joey: Erin. Erin: Hey Rachel. Rachel: Hi! Well, we were just about to take off and see a movie. Oh no! Erin: What’s wrong? Rachel: Oh Phoebe, we forgot that party we have to go to. Phoebe: Oh no. Joey: What party? Phoebe and Rachel: A birthday party. Joey: Who’s birthday party? Phoebe and Rachel: Allison’s birthday party. Joey: Oh, and how is Allison? Phoebe and Rachel: 32. Rachel: Wait a minute! Why don’t you guys do something?! Joey: Yeah, look how that worked out. Commercial Break Ross: Excuse me. Hi, I’m a professor here. Do you know the Paleontology section, fifth floor, stack 437? The Librarian: Well, yes! Just give me five minutes, I just have to find someone to cover my shift. Ross: No! No!! No! Can I speak to someone in charge please?! The Head Librarian: How can I help you? Ross: Hi, I was wondering if it is possible to increase security in the Paleontology section? See I-I wrote a book up there and instead of reading it people are-are-are well, rolling around in front of it. The Head Librarian: We are aware of the problem you are referring too. But as far as increasing security, I’m afraid the library is very understaffed. I, I can’t help you. Ross: Well, fine. Fine! If-if I’m the only person with any appreciation of the sanctity of the written word, I’ll go up there and defend it myself! And don’t you follow me! Joey: Hey. Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: How did it go with Erin? Joey: Oh, unbelievable! We had the best time! Phoebe: Yay!! Oh so, you’re not, you’re not mad at us anymore? Joey: No! No! No! You guys were totally right! This is so much better than the first time we went out. Y’know? That was so awkward, we were really nervous. Phoebe: Didn’t you sleep together? Joey: Yeah that really calms me down. And! We have so much in common! She loves sandwiches, sports, although she is a Met fan, not much of an issue now but if were ever to have kids, well that’s a… Rachel: Oh, please don’t get married before I do. Joey: Okay. Janice: Oh. Oh I just cannot believe Clark stood me up! Monica: He might still show up. Janice: Oh, what are you, stupid? It’s been three hours. Monica: Is that all? Janice: I should just go on to happier things, okay? Umm, why don’t you tell about your lovely wedding? Chandler: Well actually uh, there was something we wanted to tell you about the wedding. Um, it’s going to be a small ceremony. Uh, tiny! We’re not even sure why we’re having it. Monica: It’s actually going to be just family. Janice: Oh…wait…you two think of me as family?! Oh, I have to ask you something now and be honest; do you want me to sing Careless Whisper or Lady In Red? Joey: How can you say that?! The Mets have no closer! Erin: What about Benitez? Joey: What about Game 1 of the Series? Erin: What about shut up? Joey: You shut up! I’ll be right back. Erin: Okay. Rachel: So how’s it goin’ with Joey? Erin: Uh, okay. Rachel: Okay? Wait okay, tell-tell me that you like him, please? I mean tell me that you like him. Erin: Look, he’s a really great guy and I know that you really want this to work out, but I just don’t see this having a future. Rachel: But you said that you liked him! I mean what happened?! Did ya just change your mind?! Erin: Kinda. Phoebe: Then change it back! Erin: I’m sorry I… It’s just there’s no real spark. Phoebe: No spark? Didn’t you sleep together? Erin: Yeah. Rachel: Ugh, tramp! Phoebe: Does Joey have any idea? Erin: I really don’t think he does. And y’know what? Maybe you guys could help clue him in. Y’know, tell him I’m-I’m not interested in a serious relationship or something. Phoebe: Yeah, you mean like that you’re kind of a loner. Erin: Yeah! That would be great! Phoebe: Yeah, and maybe that you’re a real Erin: I’m sorry? Phoebe: Oh well, I guess Italian isn’t one of the four languages you speak. Joey: Hey! You wanna go? Erin: Yeah, let’s go. Joey: Okay. See you guys later. Erin: Bye guys. Rachel: Yeah, see ya. Joey: Rachel: Wow. Well, I guess it was Cupid who brought her here. Phoebe: No, just a regular old flying dwarf. Ross: Yes? Yes?! How can I help you? Guy: Yeah, we were…we were just looking around. Ross: Oh-oh, you’re-you’re fellow scholars. What exactly were you looking for, hmm? Perhaps, perhaps Dr. Chester Stock’s musings on the Smiledon Californicus? Guy: Uhh…. Ross: Ah… Ah…Get out of here! Uh, meeting someone? Or-or are you just here to brush up on Marion’s views on evolution? Woman: Uh, actually I find Marion’s views far to progressionist. Ross: I find Marion’s views far to progressionist. Woman: I’m sorry, who are you? Ross: I’m a professor here uh, Ross…Geller. Woman: Ross Geller, why do I know that name? It’s uh—Wait! Did you write this? Ross: Yes! You’re the person who checked out my book?! Woman: Y’know, you look nothing like I would’ve thought. You’re…you’re so young. Ross: Well I uh, I skipped forth grade. Ross: I am very…very sorry. Joey: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Phoebe: So how was, how was your date? Joey: Oh, it was great! I mean we walked all around the village. We went to this ice cream place, split a milkshake, 70/30 but still… And guess what, I’m thinking about taking her upstate to one of those bed and breakfasts. Phoebe: Oh really? She said she wants to go away with you? Joey: No-no-no-no-no! It’s a surprise, but it’s gonna be tricky thought because she said she was gonna be pretty busy at work for a while. Phoebe and Rachel: Oh no, yeah. Rachel: Jo-Joey, look honey we-we need to talk okay? Umm, I kinda got the feeling from her today that uh, she’s not lookin’ for a serious relationship. Joey: Where are you gettin’ this? Rachel: Well, she told me. She said she’s kinda a loner. Joey: Oh. Oh. Rachel: Joey… Joey: No hey Rach, it’s cool okay? Y’know I’m a loner too! Right? Phoebe: Hey Joey, y’know what? You are way to good for her. Rachel: Yeah and honey I promise next time that I will just say good-bye and tell ‘em you’re not looking for a relationship. Joey: No! No. Don’t do that, just next time make sure she really likes me. Rachel: Well that too. Joey? Joey: Yeah? Rachel: Do you want some pancakes? Joey: Finally! Monica: What are we gonna do? Chandler: I say we go with Careless Whisper. Janice: Chandler? Chandler: Did she see us yet? Did she see us? Monica: Janice, what umm, what are you doing here? Janice: Well umm, I thought I was going to go back to my apartment but then I just felt I couldn’t really be alone tonight. I was wondering if I could maybe stay here with you, just I really feel that I need to be with family. Monica: Our kids are gonna call her Aunt Janice aren’t they? Janice: Please, it’s because otherwise I really don’t know what I might do. Chandler: Aren’t you just a tinsy bit curious? Janice: Do you have any tissues? Monica: Yeah, in-in-in the bathroom. Janice: Okay! Monica: We’ll just…we’ll just let her stay. Chandler: No-no-no-no, if we let her stay, she will stay forever! Monica: Kinda like your Barca lounger. Chandler: Is that what you’re thinking about right now? Monica: I never stop thinking about it. Janice: Hey you guys, umm do either one of you want to get in there before I take my bath. Chandler: Janice, I’m sorry but umm, you can’t stay here tonight. Janice: Why not? Chandler: Honestly? Our apartment is a hotbed for electromagnetic activity. Now Monica and I have been immunized, but sadly you have not. Janice: Okay, I’m going to need a comforter, but did you have a hypoallergenic one because otherwise I get very nasal. Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God! You have to go! Janice: Why? Monica: Because Chandler still has feelings for you! Janice: He does? Chandler: Say again? Monica: That’s right. That’s right. And that is why you can’t stay here tonight. And probably why you shouldn’t come to the wedding. Chandler: Feelings, such strong feelings. Monica: I mean, I realize that his feelings may never completely go away, but you can. Janice: Oh…my Gawd, I-I understand. I-I am so sorry, I’ll go. Ending Credits Ross: —Okay, see you later. Chandler: I just wanted to show Monica your book. End Written by: Patty Lin Transcribed by: Eric Aasen With Help from: Didi Chow Ross: Hey everybody! Happy Thanksgiving! Chandler: No, no, no. No-no-no. Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe: Shhhh! Ross: What, are we keeping Thanksgiving a secret this year? Chandler: No, we're playing this game I learned at work. You have to name all the states in six minutes. Ross: What? That's like insanely easy! Chandler: Now, that's a lot harder than it sounds. You always forget at least one, or in some cases... fourteen . Monica: It's a stupid game and I wasn't playing against other people, so technically I didn't lose. Ross: What? You forgot fourteen states? Monica: Nobody cares about the Dakotas. Chandler: Oh, okay, time's up! Rachel: All right, I got 48. Chandler: Oh that's not bad, Pheebs? Phoebe: Oh, I got tired of naming states. So I decided to list the types of celery, and I have one: regular celery. Chandler: Okay, so Rachel's got 48 and Phoebe has the lead in…vegetables, Joey? Joey: Say hello to the new champ of Chandler's dumb states game. Ross: Wow, how many have you got? Joey: Fifty-six! Opening Credits Joey: Hey! How is New England not a state? Huh? They have a sports-team! Chandler: Does South Oregon have a sports-team? There you go. Rachel: How come we have one extra place setting? Monica: 'Cause you invited your assistant. Rachel: Oh, right. Sorry. But Tag's not coming; his girlfriend came into town, so he's spending Thanksgiving with her. Monica: Oh! Why didn't you tell me? I made him his own individual sweet potato stuffed pumpkin. Rachel: Well, I was going to, but then I figured, you know... you're food is so delicious and perfect, you can never have too many of those pumpkin things. Monica: Now you think I wouldn't enjoy that, because it is so fake, but I still do. Phoebe: Regular Celery! Ross: Done! With time a-to-spare. Chandler: Oooh that may be a New World's record Ross: You know, I hate to lecture you guys, but it's kinda disgraceful, that a group of well-educated adults and Joey can't name all the states. Did you ever see a map, or one of those round, colorful things called "a globe?" Hmm? Chandler: Uh, Magellan? You got 46 states. Ross: What? That's impossible. Joey: 46. Wow! Who's well educated now, Mr. I-forgot-ten-states? Monica: All right, I'm out of oven space. I'm gonna turn on Joey's. Please, watch him! Do not let Joey eat any of the food! Chandler: I am only one man! Okay Ross, time is up! Ross: No, just give me another minute. Chandler: Look Ross, if you don't know them by now, you will never know them, okay? That is the beauty of this game. It makes you want to kill yourself. Ross: This-this is crazy! I can do this! All right, uhh, I bet I can get all 50 before dinner. Chandler: Okay, but if you can't…no dinner! Ross: You're on! Joey: All right. Don't look at my list, Ross, 'cause there's a lot on there that you don't have. Monica: Hey, did you guys know, that your oven doesn't work? Joey: But the drawer full of take-out menus is okay, right? Monica: Ross, I'm gonna use yours, okay? Ross: Pshhshhh! Monica: Chandler? Can you give me a hand? Chandler: Sure, and Joey; do not let Ross look at any of the maps or the globe in your apartment. Joey: Don't worry, Chandler, it's not a globe of the United States. Phoebe: Hey you guys I'm gonna go out and take a walk. Ross: Phoebe, why is your bag moving? Phoebe: Oh, it's not! Rachel: Seriously, it's moving! Joey: What the hell is in there? Phoebe: It's just my knitting that's all! Yes! I knit this. I'm very good. Monica: Ross’s apartment is nice! How come we don't hang out here more often? Chandler: I don't know. Maybe it's because it smells a little weird. It's like old pumpkins or something. Monica: That's my pie! Chandler: Which smells delicious! Monica: Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Chandler: What? Monica: We left Joey alone with the food! Yep! Yep, I knew it! There he is... feeding stuffing to a dog! Phoebe: Hi Geller-Bing residence. How can I help? Monica: Phoebe, why is there a dog in our apartment? Phoebe: I'm sorry, who's this? Monica: Phoebe, there's a dog sitting on my couch! Chandler: Tell her, I'm allergic, and I will sue! Phoebe: No, there's no dog here? Monica: Yes there is! He's black and white and shaggy and he's sitting next to Rachel and licking Rachel's hand. Phoebe: Oh my god! Where are you? Monica: I'll be right there! Phoebe: They're here already? How are they doing this? Rachel: Hi Tag! What are you doing here? Tag: I, uh, wanted to see if your offer to spend Thanksgiving with you is still good. Rachel: Well, sure! Come in! Well, what-what happened to your girlfriend? Tag: We kinda broke up this morning. Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. Tag: Yeah, so she went back to Ohio. Ross: Ohio!! Thank you! Chandler: Huh! Where is the dog?! Ross: What dog? There-there's no dog here. Joey: Yeah that dog left! Monica: Phoebe! Phoebe, open up! Phoebe: There's no dog in here. Chandler: Phoebe, we can hear the dog barking! Phoebe: No that's just me coughing! Oh, good, there you are! Listen, um, I have a dog in my room. Chandler: What is it doing here? Phoebe: Well, I'm watching it for some friends who went out of town. Wait. Hello, my name is Clunkers. May I please stay with you nice people? Monica: Oooh, I wish she could stay here, but Chandler is allergic! Chandler: Extremely allergic, okay? If I'm anywhere near a dog for more than 5 minutes, my throat will just close up! Phoebe: That's odd, 'cause this dog's been living here for the past 3 days Chandler: Really? Monica: Chandler, if that dog's been here that long, and you haven't had a reaction, maybe you're not allergic to this dog? Chandler: Well, it still has to go, right? Monica and Phoebe: Why? Chandler: Okay, it's um… Joey: Don't do it! Monica: Don't do what? Chandler: Okay, I hate dogs. All: What? Phoebe: Are you crazy? Ross: Are you out of your mind? Phoebe: Why? Joey: Told ya. Chandler: They are needy, they are jumpy, and you can't tell what they are thinking, and that scares me a little bit. Ross: Right, they are scary. Ahh, she just ate a treat out of my hand!!! Rachel: Wait a minute. Do you not like all dogs? I mean, not even puppies? Chandler: Is there a puppy here? Tag: You don't like puppies? Chandler: Okay, you are new! Joey: Look, Chandler, I told you, never tell anyone about this dog thing. It's like Ross not likin’ ice cream. Phoebe: You don't like ice cream? Ross: It's too cold. Chandler: Okay, it's just that dogs make me a little uncomfortable. Ross: It hurts my teeth. Chandler: And I don't wanna say this, I don't you guys to hate me, but uh, I don't think, I can be around that dog anymore. Okay, so either the dog goes, or I go. Oh my god!! Ross: How can I not get this? I'm a college professor; I got 1450 on my S.A.T.s. Monica: 1250. Ross: Damn, I forgot you were here. Phoebe: All right. We're gonna take Clunkers to Ross’s. We'll be back in a minute. Rachel: Oh, wait before you guys go, can I just ask you a question? Monica: Yeah. Rachel: When a guy breaks up with his girlfriend, what is an appropriate amount of time to wait before you make a move? Phoebe: Oh, I'd say about a month. Monica: Really? I'd say 3 to 4. Joey: Half hour. Rachel: Interesting. Monica: When it's your assistant, I would say never. Joey: All right, Rach, the big question is, does he like you? All right? Because if he doesn't like you, this is all a moo-point. Rachel: Huh. A moo-point? Joey: Yeah, it's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo. Rachel: Have I been living with him for too long, or did that all just make sense? Monica: Please, don't listen to Joey, okay. Would you look at him? He-he’s obviously depressed. He's away from his family; he's spending Thanksgiving with strangers.   What he needs right now is for you to be his friend. Rachel: You're right, I'm sorry. Thank you. Okay, that's what I'm gonna do. Joey: Fine! Take their advice. No one ever listens to me. When the package is this pretty, no one cares what's inside. Rachel: Hey! Tag: Hey. Rachel: How are you holding up? Tag: Not bad. Rachel: Yeah? I'm sorry about your girlfriend. Tag: Thanks. Rachel: So were you guys together a long time? Tag: A year. On and off. I kinda thought we'd end up together. I don't anymore. Rachel: Now that she broke up with you? Tag: Yeah. Rachel: Yeah. Hmmmm. Tag: It's weird. I always used to assume, that I would meet someone and fall in love and be happy and all that was just a given. But lately it's like what if it's not. Do you ever have that feeling? Rachel: No…Yeah, all the time, constantly. It's terrifying. But you know that I figure it…it has to work out. Tag: Why? Rachel: Because, uh—it has to. Tag: You have all the answers, don't you? Rachel: Yeah, I know, I do. I really do. Tag: Hey, thanks for talking to me. Rachel: Well, what is a boss for? Hug it out! Joey: All right, he likes you back! Huh? Told ya, you should go for it! Tag: What? Joey: Commercial Break Tag: What did Joey say? I like you back? Rachel: Uh, yeah, well, see, he… Joey knows, that I'm-I'm very insecure about my back and, and…you're hugging me, so obviously you are not repulsed by it, yeah! Tag: Wait-wait a minute; that doesn't make any sense. Rachel: No? All right, here's the truth um, Joey said what he said, because um, I'm attracted to you. Tag: Wow. Rachel: Yeah, I admit it. I have a crush on you, and uh, and, and I know that's crazy because we work together, and-and nothing could ever happen, and the last thing I want to do is-is to freak you out or make you feel uncomfortable. Which is why it would be really great if you said something right about now. Tag: Rachel: What? Tag: Right there! That's my car! Hey!! Rachel: Okay, that's gonna take them a minute. Do you have anything else you wanna get off your chest? Tag: I can't believe this! Rachel: Monica: Okay Phoebe, we should probably go back now. Phoebe: Please don't leave me, I'll be lonely. Monica: Stop it. Stop! Okay let's go. We can be strong. Phoebe: Yeah, okay. Monica: Oh my god! Did you hear that? She said Monica! Oooh, I can't leave her! Phoebe: You know if you want, we can sneak the dog back in and Chandler wouldn't even know. Monica: That's not gonna work. Phoebe: I've had that dog there for three days and Chandler had no idea. He's not so smart. Monica: Hey! I didn't know either. Phoebe: Yeah, but you kinda knew that something was going on, didn't you? Monica: Yeah, I knew. Phoebe: Where's Chandler? Chandler: Here I am. Phoebe: Wash your hands!!! Chandler: How did you…know? Ross: Hey! What's she doing back here? Monica: Relax, Ross. She's not made of ice cream! Ross: Hey look, Phoebe. I, uh, I laid out the states geographically... Phoebe: No, no, we don't really have time for this right now. Okay, we have to keep Chandler away from my bedroom. Ross: Yeah, but, but look what I'm... Phoebe: See, this is exactly what we do not have time for. Chandler: Where's Monica? Ross: Um, in Phoebe's room. You can't go in there. Chandler: Why not? Ross: Monica's crying. She's very upset about this whole Clunkers thing. Chandler: Well, I, I should go in there. Ross: No. No, no. She doesn't want to see you right now. Chandler: Why not? Ross: Because you sent away the dog! Chandler: This is ridiculous. Ross: Oh, is it? Is it? Look, when Monica and I were kids, we had a dog named Rover. And, uh, one day, my dad decides, he doesn't like dogs. So Monica and her friend…Phyllis…take away the dog. And that was the last time we ever saw him. Don't you see? This is just like that. Only with a few details changed. Joey: What's the matter? Chandler: Monica's all upset, because I sent Clunkers away. Joey: So? Bring the dog back, you're a hero. Chandler: Yeah, I can be a hero, I could do that. I could, I could do... I, w-w-what if, what if it attacks me? Joey: Chandler, it's like a big gerbil. Chandler: And that doesn't scare you? Joey: Ross, you need some help? Ross: From you? Yes, please! Joey: First of all, Utah? Dude, you can't just make stuff up! Ross: I hate America! When I finish this game, I swear I am moving. Joey: Hey! Tag's still talking to the police. Rachel: Yeah, ohh! Why, damnit, why did I open my mouth? Gee, I-I know that I freaked him out Joey: If you said it like that, you probably did, yeah. Phoebe: Hey, is Chandler here? Chandler: No, no he went for a walk. Phoebe: Okay, but you cannot tell him... but look whose back! Rachel: Hi! Joey: Oh No-no-no-no-no-no-no! He went over to Ross' to bring the dog back here! Phoebe: Oh no, the dog's not going to be there! Joey: You think? Monica: Hi, honey. Chandler: Please, please, please, don't be mad at me. Monica: What? Why, why would... Phoebe: Shh, wait and see. Maybe we will, maybe we won't. Chandler: Okay, I went over to Ross' apartment to bring back Clunkers. Y’know, for you, and… Phoebe: We have good news, look whose back! Rachel: Hi! Chandler: Clunkers?! Oh my god! Monica: That's right, she came back all by herself. Phoebe: It's a Thanksgiving miracle! Chandler: It is so good to see you! Phoebe: Yeah, she came all the way back from Ross' building. Oh, the things she must have seen! And then she climbed up the fire escape and she tapped on the window with her teeny little paw and then we ran to let her in… I went to far, didn't I? When should I have stopped? Ross: Okay, maybe this is so hard, because there aren't 50 states. Let me tell you something, I have 49 states, and there are no more! I-I think, I should be able to eat something. Chandler: It's up to you. Rachel: Oh, hi! How are you doing? Tag: I'm okay. I gotta go down to the police station and look at mug shots. Rachel: Oh. Tag: Thanks for having me over, you guys. Ross: Tag? Y-You're going? Uh we didn't, uh we didn't get the chance to talk. Uh, so, where did you say you're from again? Tag: Colorado. Ross: Ah, what good are you. Rachel: Look, um, I think we should talk about what happened on the terrace. Tag: Okay. Rachel: Ah, I-I never should have said what I said. It—y’know what? It just doesn't matter how I feel. I mean we work together, so nothing could really ever happen between us, and what I would love is just to go to work on Monday, and-and never talk about this again, okay? Big day Monday lots to do. So, we're okay? Tag: Um, I'm not. Rachel: Oh, god, I know it, that I freaked you out. Tag: No, you didn't. The only thing that freaked me out was you saying that nothing could ever happen between us. Rachel: Really? Tag: Yeah, so, please don't fire me for doing this. Rachel: Okay, well, that's one less thing we have to do on Monday. Ending Credits Ross: Delaware! Delaware! Chandler: All right. Ross: I want my turkey now! Chandler: You got it. You got Nevada twice. Ross: I know. Chandler: Yeah. End Written by: Wil Calhoun Directed by: David Schwimmer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Ben: I’m ready! Ross: You sure? Ben: Uh-huh! Chandler: Okay, let me just straighten out your helmet there. Ben: Thanks daddy. Ross: No-no, one daddy, two mommies. All right, it’s all yours. Chandler: Okay. Okay. Ross: Yes! Yes! Yes!! Phoebe: His first big kid’s bike, this is so exciting! Monica: Oh yeah, I remember mine! Ohh, it was my sixth birthday, my dad took me to the park, I got it, and…it bent. Ross: Yeah. Phoebe: I never had a bike of my own. Ross: What?! Phoebe: Well, we didn’t have a lot of money. But the girl across the street had the best bike! It was pink and it had rainbow colored tassels hanging off the handle grips, and-and-and a bell and this big, white wicker basket with those plastic daisies stuck on. Chandler: That sounds like my first bike. My dad gave me his old one. Ross: Ohh. Monica: Did the girl ever let you ride it? Phoebe: No! But she gave me the box that it came in. It had a picture of the bike on the front. So I would sit on it and my step-dad would drag me around the backyard. Ross: That is so unfair! Phoebe: Not really, I got to drag him around too! Opening Credits Chandler: Hey! What are you guys doing? Joey: Hey. Monica: Making holiday candy for the neighbors. Chandler: I’m sorry, who? Monica: I’m gonna hang this basket on the door and when the neighbors walk by they can all take a piece. Chandler: But we don’t know the neighbors. Joey: I do. There’s uh, let’s see, Guy With a Mustache, Smokes-A-Lot Lady, Some Kids I’ve Seen, and A Red-haired Guy Who Does Not Like To Be Called Rusty. Monica: See? This is exactly why I’m making this candy. We can learn their names and get to know our neighbors. Chandler: Wouldn’t it be easier if we just moved? Rachel: Gooood morning!! Chandler: Eh, somebody’s in a good mood! Rachel: Well, why shouldn’t I be? I have great friends! I have a wonderful job! Monica: Where you can make out with your assistant. Rachel: Come on, it’s not a big deal! We stayed up all night coming up with a plan so that us dating will not be a problem. Monica: Oh yeah, what’s the plan? Rachel: We… We are not… …going to let it… be a problem. Monica: Wow! It took you all night to come up with that plan?! Rachel: Well y’know, we did other stuff too. Monica: Did you two… Rachel: Oh Monica come on, y’know I don’t sleep with guys on the first date! Monica: Matt Guire, Mark Lynn, Ben Wire… Rachel: Anymore!! Monica: Okay. Rachel: Hi. Tag, I have a conference call today is that correct? Tag: Yes, at 4:00. Rachel: Okay, thank you. That’ll be all. Tag: I’d better get back to my desk. Rachel: Okay, you hard worker! I’ll remember to put that in your evaluation. Tag: My what? Rachel: Well, you’ve been here for two months now and your boss is required to hand in a performance evaluation. But y’know, there is one thing that I have yet to evaluate. Tag: Are you serious? Rachel: No, I’ve just always wanted to do that. Can you help me clean this up? Monica: The basket is totally empty! My God, the neighbors ate all the candy! Chandler: Well, either that or uh… Monica: Joey!! Joey: Yeah? Monica: Did you eat all the neighbor candy?! Joey: Uh well yeah, that was the plan, but by the time I got to it there was only a couple of pieces left! Phoebe: Yeah, and they’ve been coming by all day. They love it! Monica: They love my candy? Oh man!!! I’ve gotta go make more!! Joey: Hey Mon, you might wanna make some more lasagna too, because something might’ve happened to a huge chunk of it. Monica: Ross! The neighbors ate all my candy!! Ross: Mine stole my newspaper! It’s like a crime wave!! Pheebs, you uh, you got a second. Phoebe: Sure! Ross: Yeah, ever since you uh, told me that story about that bike I-I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I mean, everyone should have a-a first bike, so… Phoebe: Oh my God Ross!! Ross: You like it? Phoebe: I love it!! Ross: Yeah? Phoebe: Ohh!! Ohh!! And I love you! Ross: Ahh. Phoebe: Not that way! But the bike brought you a lot closer! Ross: Ah! Well uh-uh, t-take it downstairs, y’know give it a test ride. Phoebe: Okay! Oh my God! My first bike! Thank you for the best present I’ve ever gotten. Ross: You’re welcome. Phoebe: Oh and Chandler’s about to cry. Chandler: Am not! Monica: Who is that?! Chandler: Don’t worry, I’m brave! I am brave! I…I am brave! Can you tell me who is there please? The Knocker: My name is Gary, I live upstairs. Gary: Hi! Monica: Hi. Do you know what time it is? Gary: It’s candy time! My roommate says that they taste like little drops of heaven. Monica: Oh please! Did you hear that? Little drops of heaven. Chandler: 4:00 A.M. Gary: So, can I get some candy? Chandler: I am sorry, but some of us have to get up early and go to work! He does not know that I am not some of us. Monica: Umm, listen I am sorry, but I’ll put some out first thing in the morning. Gary: Well okay, I’ll swing by later. Do you live in this building? Monica: Um-hmm. Gary: Mm! Seems like I would’ve remembered you! Chandler: Mm! Night Gar’! Rachel: So did you read your evaluation yet? Tag: No! It was marked confidential I just sent it down to Human Resources. Rachel: Okay please, you’re kidding right?! I wrote that one as a joke for you! Tag: A joke they would appreciate? Rachel: I’m thinkin’ no. Tag: What did you say?! Rachel: Umm, I said I thought you were a good kisser, and uh, and that I like your tiney-tiny touchie. Tag: No, not my touchie. Rachel: Well, it gets worse. When asked if you take initiative I wrote, "Yes, he was able to unhook my bra with minimal supervision," and under Problems with Performance I wrote, "Dear God, I hope not," and then uh, then I drew a little smiley face, and then a small pornographic sketch. Monica: Ross! That is so sweet of you to get Phoebe that bike! When I heard the story, I almost cried. Joey: Almost cried huh? Hear that Chandler? Almost cried! Chandler: Hey, you cry every time somebody talks about Titanic! Joey: Those two only had each other! Ross: Phoebe really likes the bike huh? Monica: Oh yeah! I saw her walkin’ it down the street the other day. She had uh, these flowers in the basket. It was so cute. Joey: Yeah, I saw her this morning walkin’ it by the park. Ross: Wait a minute, she was walking the bike? Both times? Joey: Hey Pheebs? Phoebe: Oh hi! Chandler: Hey! So are you enjoying the bike? Phoebe: Ohh, uh-huh so much! Ross: Pheebs you uh…you do know how to ride a bike don’t you? Phoebe: Of course! Monica: Umm, can we see you ride it? Phoebe: Okay. See? Commercial Break Monica: See, this is why I told you never get involved with your assistant! And here is no such thing as keeping secrets when it comes to affairs. Did you hear that Chandler? No such thing! Chandler: What happened? I’m just eating candy. Rachel: Maybe it’s not as bad as I think. Y’know, maybe they didn’t take it the way I meant it. Chandler: Absolutely! Y’know, because touchie can mean both ass and good worker. Rachel: Ugh, I just gotta get the thing back! Joey: Hey Rach? Rachel: Yeah? Joey: That sketch you mentioned? Might it have looked a little something like this? Rachel: Oh my God! Joey! Chandler: What is the matter with you? Rachel: Ugh! Joey: Boy I tell ya, this little talent came in handy before I could afford porn. The Woman: Hi! I’m sorry, I know it’s after hours but I really need candy. Monica: I’m sorry, I can’t help you. See? Rules are rules. The Woman: Please! I have people coming from out of town today! And, I told them all about your candy! Monica: No kidding, out of towners huh? What did you tell ‘em? The Woman: I told ‘em your candy is absolutely indescribable! Monica: Some people have been saying its y’know little drops of heaven, but whatever. The Woman: Please, can’t you help me out? Joey: Hey Chandler, do we know that lady? Chandler: Maybe, isn’t she the woman who lives below you and has sex really loud? Monica: All right, I’ll do it just this once! But you can’t tell anybody! The Woman: Yes! Yes! Please, just give it to me! Joey and Chandler: Yeah, that’s her. The Woman: Thank you. Monica: It’s unbelievable! I-I can’t believe that sign didn’t work! Chandler: Y’know what would work? Monica: Hmm? Chandler: Stop making candy! Monica: But they like it! Chandler: You mean they like you. Monica: Maybe. Chandler: Is that why you became a chef? So that people would like you? Monica: Oh, you really want to talk about getting people to like you huh, funny man? Ross: Okay, now just remember everything I taught you and you’ll be fine. Okay? Here we go. Ready…Set… Phoebe: Wait! This seat is really uncomfortable! Yeah, maybe before we start we should just get another one. Perhaps, like an airplane seat—or a beanbag chair! Ross: Phoebe, you can’t get out of this! Okay? You have to learn how to ride a bike! Phoebe: Why? Why do I have to learn? Ross: Well…In-in case of emergency. Phoebe: What kind of an emergency? Ross: Well let there—what if a man comes along and puts a gun to your head and says, "You ride this bike or I’ll sh…I’ll shoot you." Phoebe: Okay, I would ring the bell to distract him and then I would knock the gun out of his hand with a Chinese throwing star. Ross: Okay, Phoebe just-just get-get on the bike and—Hey! I’ll hold you up and-and push you. Okay? Phoebe: You won’t let go? Ross: No! Phoebe: Swear?! Ross: I swear! Phoebe: Okay. Ross: Come on. Phoebe: All right. Ross: All right. Feel good? Phoebe: Well… Ross: All right, try pedaling. Phoebe: Okay. Ross: That’s it, your doing great. Phoebe: Okay. Ross: Doing great! Yes-yes-yes! Take control! Yes! Phoebe: Weee!!! Ross: Yes!! Yes!!! Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh no!! You swore! Ross: I-I just thought you were doing so well. I… Phoebe: I am shocked! Shocked!! Ross: It’s a legitimate learning technique. Wow! Ross: Hey, there’s uh, some people outside, askin’ about candy. Monica: Well, they’re just gonna have to wait aren’t they? I’ve only got two hands!! Ross: Need some help? Monica: No! You don’t know the system! There’ll be nobody messing with the system! Ross: By the way, the week before your wedding you may not see a lot of me. Phoebe: Oh, hello liar. Ross: Look, I-I’m really sorry I let go of the bike. Phoebe: I could’ve been killed I hope you know! Ross: I know. I know. But, can we please try it again? Huh? I mean, you were so close Phoebe! Phoebe: Well, I would love to but…the bike got stolen and the police have no suspects. Ross: Phoebe. Phoebe: What?! What the hell?! Ross: All right, y’know what? If you are not going to learn how to ride this bike then I’m sorry, I’m just gonna have to take it back. Phoebe: What?! Why?! Ross: Because! Because, it-it-it’s… It’d be like you having this guitar The bike is dying. Phoebe: All right. If you care enough to make up that load of crap, okay. Ross: Great! Great! You’re making the bike very happy. Phoebe: Please don’t die! Rachel: Okay, I think we can get the evaluation back before they see it, but we’re gonna have to get into Mr. Zelner’s office. Now, he doesn’t get in until 10, so he’s no problem, but his assistant, Betty, she comes in early to eat her breakfast at her desk. Tag: That’s kinda sad. Rachel: Yeah, well Betty’s kinda sad. Which is why I believe I can lure her away with these chocolates. Now, while I distract her, you get in the office. Tag: Got it! Rachel: Let’s roll! Mr. Zelner: Hello Rachel, you uh, got a minute? Rachel: Mr. Zelner: Uh actually, I’d like to speak with both of you. Rachel: Okay. Uh, well can we, can we get you anything Mr. Zelner? Maybe some chocolates? Mr. Zelner: Umm, no. Thanks, but I’ll give these to Betty. So I read your evaluation of Tag, or to use his full name, Tag Sweetcheeks Jones. Is something going on with you two? Rachel: what would happen exactly. Mr. Zelner: Well, I’d be forced to file a report. I’d have to consult with the legal department, and your future at the company would be in jeopardy. Rachel: Well… Tag: Uh Mr. Zelner, I’m the one who filled in that evaluation. Rachel: Oh no-no-no… Tag: Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, I thought it would be funny. Mr. Zelner: You wrote that you have a cute touchie? Tag: Yes. I have a weird sense of humor, and I’m kinda strangely proud of my butt. Mr. Zelner: It’s kind of a risky joke Tag, and what is-what is this drawing I can’t figure out what this is? Rachel: You’re lookin’ at it upside down—y’know what? It doesn’t matter. Mr. Zelner: Yeah, it’s not like I don’t have a sense of humor, huh? Hell, I even enjoy a naughty limerick now and then. But there’s a time and a place, huh?! Unless you uh, have a limerick right now? Rachel: Whoa! I can’t believe you did that. That was really sweet. Tag: No, don’t worry about it. Rachel: No, you could’ve lost your job. Tag: Are you kidding me?! With a cute butt like this, I’d find work. Rachel: Thank you! You’re great! Tag: Y’know what? Rachel: What? Tag: I feel great. What? Rachel: I… It just—it took me so long to get that desk organized. Tag: Oh, I’m sorry. Rachel: Chandler: What is going on? The Man: We’re waiting for the candy. Bring out the candy! Joey: Yeah lady! Give us candy!! Chandler: Joey! Joey: What’s up buddy? Chandler: What are you doing? Joey: Waiting for candy. Chandler: Get in here! Merry Christmas. Monica: Okay, guys! The candy is coming; I just need another 15 minutes for the chocolate to cool! All: We want candy! We want candy now! Chandler: All right everybody! Just be quiet! Be quiet! Be quiet!! Pipe-pipe-pipe down! What is the matter with you people?! This woman was trying to do a nice thing for you. She was making candy so she could try to get to know all of you, and I’ll bet that not one of you can tell me her name! Am I right? The Man: Candy Lady? Chandler: No not Candy Lady. Joey: Hey, if we know it can we have candy?!! Chandler: All right, y’know what? Forget it, all of you forget it! You’ve ruined it! Go home! You’ve ruined it! You’ve ruined it! Joey: That’s right, it’s all ruined! You guys ruined everything! You ruined it! Monica: Thank you. Chandler: You’re welcome. Monica: Did you smoke? Chandler: No! Smokes-A-Lot Lady blew smoke directly into my mouth. Eh-uh—are you okay? Monica: I’m fine now, but it was really scary there for a while. I mean, someone slipped a-a threatening note under the door. Joey: Ending Credits Phoebe: I can’t believe it! I did it! I rode a bike! I never thought I’d be able to do that! Thank you Ross. Ross: Oh hey, don’t thank me, thank yourself. You’re the one who faced her fears and ultimately overcame them. Phoebe: Don’t be so corny Ross, it’s not an after-school special. End Written by: Greg Malins Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Chandler: Buh-bye. I just got us reservations at Michelle’s and tickets to the Musicman to celebrate our first holiday season as a betroughed couple. Monica: Betrothed… Chandler: …betrothed couple. Phoebe: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Rachel and Monica: Hi! Phoebe: Haaaa... ... ahhhh! Chandler: Pheebs? Phoebe: Huh? Chandler: Skull? Phoebe: Oh, yeah, it's my mom's. Rachel: Oh my god!! Phoebe: No, no, no. It's not! It's not my mom. It belonged to mom. Yeah, no, she used to put it out every Christmas to remind us, that even though it's Christmas, people still die. And, you can put candy in it. Ross: Hey! All: Hey! Monica: Licorice? Ross: Hey, I just found out, I get Ben for the holidays this year. All: Ohh! That's great! Monica: Are you gonna dress up as Santa? Ross: Nope. I mean, I know Susan does every year, but I think I wanna take this year to teach him all about Hanukkah. Phoebe: And maybe I could teach Ben about the Christmas skull and how people die. Rachel: You may need to use this year to teach Ben about Phoebe. Ross: Hmm. Joey: Hey. Rachel: Did you know he was in there? Monica: No. Chandler: How long have we been home? Monica: About a half an hour. Chandler: Lovely! Opening Credits Chandler: Hey, you know what I was thinking? When we get married, are you gonna change your last name to Bing? Monica: No. Chandler: Why not? Monica: Bing's weird. Phoebe: Oh, hey, you guys! Chandler: Hey! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hey. Guess what! My landlord just called and my apartment is gonna get ready soon, so I guess I'll be moving out. Monica: Ahh, Phoebe, I'm gonna miss you! Phoebe: Yes, you will be very sad. All right, well I gotta go tell Rachel the good news. Chandler: Ohh! You guys gonna be living together again? Phoebe: Yeah, why not? Chandler: Well, she's just so much fun with Joey, I just assumed, she'd still be living with him. Phoebe: Why do you think, she's having so much fun living with Joey? Chandler: No reason, except…she…told…me. Phoebe: Really? So she said, she didn’t wanna live with me anymore? Chandler: No! No, she didn't say that. I-I-I think you should talk to Monica now. Monica: Phoebe, don't worry about it. I'm sure she wants to live with you. Phoebe: You're sure? You're absolutely sure? Monica: Well, no. But, um, I bet she probably does. Phoebe: Probably? Yeah, I don't like that word. Chandler: Bing doesn't seem so weird now, does it? Rachel: Hey! Joey: Hey! Great, you’re home! Guess what Phoebe got me for Christmas! Rachel: Drums? Joey: No! Drums! Chandler: Monica: I'm sorry. But not that sorry, 'cause you don't have to live with it. Um, we have a reservation under the name Chandler Bing. Maitre d': Oh-kay, we'll have a table for you in about 45 minutes. Chandler: Forty-five minutes? We have tickets to the Musicman at 8:00. Maitre d': I'm sorry. Christmas is a very busy time, sir. Chandler: Is this because of the burrito thing? Monica: You need to give him money. Chandler: Give him money? It was a joke! Monica: No, to get a table! Places like are always shakin’ you down. Everybody wants to be paid off. Chandler: Right, calm down, O'Mally. I'll slip him some money. Monica: You've got to be smooth about it. Chandler: Hey, I can be smooth. Maitre d': Of course, sir. Chandler: Okay. Monica: How did it go? Chandler: Had the money in the wrong hand. Ross: Wooooooo, hehehe. Hey, ahh, you don't feel like you're gonna throw up, do ya? Ben: No. Ross: Well, I do, so let's... So, Ben, you uh, you know what holiday is coming up, don't ya? Ben: Christmas. Ross: Yep, and you know what other holiday is coming up? Ben: Christmas eve. Ross: Yes, but also Hanukkah! See, you're part Jewish, and-and Hanukkah is a Jewish holiday. Ben: Santa has reindeers that can fly! Ross: Right, um, but, on Hanukkah, Hanukkah is a celebration of a miracle. See, years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees. Ben: Jingle bells, jingle bells... Ross: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay. Ben: Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer... Ross: Okay, it's not a contest. Ben: When is Santa coming? Ross: Well, how about this year, instead of Santa, we have fun celebrating Hanukkah? Ben: No Santa? Was I bad? Ross: No! Oh, no-no-no. Hey, you weren't bad, you've been very good, Ben. Ben: Santa's mad at me. Ross: No, hey-hey, come on, Ben, Santa is not mad at you, okay? Hey, you're-you're his favorite little guy! Ben: So Santa's coming? Ross: Yes! Santa's coming! Monica: It's easy! Just keep it casual! Give him a kind word, shake his hand and give him the money! Chandler: How do you know so much about this? Monica: I don't know. Chandler: Richard used to do it, didn't he? Monica: We'd be eating our soup right now. Chandler: Mustached bastard… Monica: Okay, those people just left, come on! Quick! Give him the money and get their table! Chandler: Excuse me... Male Guest: Chandler: Rachel: Ha! Phoebe: So you like the drums! That's, that's great! Y’know, I was worried, that, you know, they would maybe an unbearable living situation. All right, okay, well, apparently not! So, yay! Joey: Hey-hey, Pheebs, check it out, we already learned a song. Ready? One, two, three, four... Rachel and Joey: Tequila!! Phoebe: That's fun. Commercial Break Gunther: Here you go. Chandler: Thank you Gunther, put it there. Thank you. Joey: Thank you. Hey Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Here. Now I only owe you $49.50. Chandler: Hey Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey! Chandler: If you wanna give Joey a Christmas present that disrupts the entire building, why not get him something a little bit more subtle, like a wrecking ball, or a vile of small pox to release in the hallway? Monica: It's not just the drum noise. Every five minutes, Joey throws his sticks in the air, and I have to hear, "Oh my eye! Oh god, my eye!" I mean, it is so annoying. Phoebe: Yes, thank you. You see, this is how normal people are supposed to react to drums. Monica: Phoebe, you got Joey drums to annoy Rachel, so she wouldn't wanna live there anymore? Phoebe: Maybe on some level. Rachel: Joey, y’know that you could just not throw the sticks up in the air. Joey: What is Rock 'n' Roll about that? Phoebe: Joey: Oh wait, before you tell me what it is! Okay, what is it? Phoebe: It's a…tarantula! Oh! God! Rachel, look, I'm sorry. What was I thinking giving Joey this big, gross, scary spider in such a poorly constructed cage? Rachel: What are you talking about? I love them! Yeah, I had a tarantula when I was a kid. But it-it died, because my cat ate it. And then, then my cat died. But Joey, isn't this cool? Joey: Is it on me? I feel, I feel like it's on me! I got, hey! Rachel: Oh, isn't that adorable? Joey is afraid of the tarantula. Phoebe: Rachel: What? Wait-wait a minute, what? Phoebe, what's the matter? Phoebe: Our apartment is ready. Rachel: And that makes you angry because… Phoebe: Because you would rather live here with Joey. Rachel: Where did you get that? Phoebe: Monica and Chandler said that you were having so much fun here. And apparently no amount of drums or tarantulas is gonna change that. Rachel: Phoebe? Phoebe: Hm? Rachel: Did you get all this stuff for Joey to try and drive me out of the apartment? Honey, if you wanted to do that, you might as well just gotten him a fish, you know how fish freaked me out! Phoebe: Fish! Rachel: It wouldn't have mattered anyway, Phoebe, you and I are, are gonna live together, we're roommates; that's the deal. Phoebe: Yes, but I wanted you to want to live with me, but okay, if you're having so much fun over here… Rachel: Oh, it's so much more fun with you. Phoebe: We did have fun, didn't we? Rachel: We did! Phoebe: Oh, anyway, they say, if we want, we can see it tonight. Rachel: Oh, I would love to! Phoebe: Yay, okay! Rachel: Good, good, good, good, good. Phoebe: Great, all right, okay, and Monica ask me to make the drumming stop. Rachel: Done! Ross: Hey! Salesman: Hello, Sir. You're here to return those pants? Ross: No, these are my pants. Salesman: Oh. Okay! How can I help you? Ross: Well, uh, do you have a Santa-outfit left? Salesman: Two days before Christmas? Sorry, man. Ross: Okay look, do-do, you have anything Christmassy? I promised my son, and I really don't want to disappoint him, um, come on, I…uh, you gotta have something. Ross: I'm the holiday armadillo! I'm a friend of Santa's and he sent me here to wish you a Merry Christmas! Monica: What happened to Santa, Holiday Armadillo? Ross: Santa was unavailable so close to Christmas. Monica: Wow, come in, have a seat. You must be exhausted coming all the way from…Texas. Ben: Texas? Ross: That's right, Ben. I'm Santa's representative for all the southern states. And Mexico! But, Santa sent me here to give you these presents, Ben. Maybe the Lady will help me with these presents. Ben: Wow! Thanks! Ross: You're welcome, Ben. Merry Christmas, ooh, and Happy Hanukkah! Ben: Are you for Hanukkah, too? Because I'm part-Jewish. Ross: You are? Me, too! Monica: Because Armadillos also wandered in the desert? Ross: Ooh, hey Ben, what if the Holiday Armadillo told you all about the festival of lights? Ben: Cool! Ross: Yeah! Monica: Come on Ben. Ross: Years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees... Chandler: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Ben: Santa! Chandler: Hey! Ross: What are you doing here, Santa? Chandler: Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben. What are you doing here, weird…turtle-man? Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend. You sent me here to give Ben some presents. Remember? Chandler: What? Ben: Did you bring me any presents, Santa? Chandler: You bet I did, Ben, put it there! Ho, ho, ho! Monica: Okay Ben, why don't you come open some more presents, and Santa, the Armadillo, and I have a little talk in the kitchen? There's a sentence, I never thought I'd say. Ross: What are you doing? Chandler: You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at work! Ross: Thank you, but, but you gotta leave. Chandler: Why? Ross: Because, I'm finally getting him excited about Hanukkah, and, and you're-you’re wrecking it. Chandler: But I didn't get to shape my belly like a bowl full of jelly. Ross: I'm sorry, Chandler but this, this is really important to me. Chandler: Fine, I'll give the suit back. Monica: Chandler: Santa? Really? Monica: Yes, is that okay? Chandler: Did your Dad ever dress up like Santa? Monica: No. Chandler: Then it's okay! Ross: Okay Ben, Santa has to go. Say good-bye! Ben: No! Why does he have to go? Chandler: Because, if Santa and the Holiday…Armadillo? ...are ever in the same room for too long the universe will implode. Merry Christmas! Ben: No! Why can't the Armadillo leave? I want Santa! Ross: Fine, I-I give up. Santa, Santa can stay. Chandler: Well, I'll stay, but only because I wanna hear about Hanukkah. Ben, will you sit here with Santa and learn about Hanukkah? Ben: Okay, Santa! Ross: All right, it's time for the story of Hanukkah. Years and years ago, there were these people called the Maccabees. Joey: Merry Christmas! Rachel: Oh wow! Look at this place! Phoebe: Oh, this is terrible. Oh, they’ve made so many changes I can’t even feel my grandmother’s presence anymore—Ooh! New sconces! Rachel: Oh my God! Phoebe: What? Rachel: Okay, remember uh, remember how you told me that your grandmother put up that wall to make that into two bedrooms? Phoebe: Yeah? Rachel: And remember how you always said you were afraid the landlord would find out and then tear it down? Phoebe: Yeah? Rachel: Do you really not know where I’m going with this? It left! It’s one huge room! Phoebe: Oh no! Oh! Wow!!! Rachel: See? Phoebe: Well, I guess we’ll just have to put the wall back up. Rachel: You can’t, because of the new skylight! Phoebe: There’s a skylight?! Wow!! Rachel: So what should we do? Should we start looking for a new place? Phoebe: Y’know I’m-I’m sensing that um, my grandmother would not be comfortable with that. Rachel: Oh yeah? Startin’ to feel her again there are we? Phoebe: A little bit, yeah. Rachel: Pheebs is your grandmother maybe saying that you should live here alone? Phoebe: You heard her too?! You have the gift! Rachel: Phoebe, it’s okay. I like living with Joey. Phoebe: Are you sure? Rachel: Oh please, I hate packing, it’s closer to work, and we do have fun. Although, I’m really gonna miss living with you. Phoebe: Oh me too. Rachel: I know. Oh-oh, wait did you hear that-hear that? Listen, I’m gettin’ something from your grandmother, she said that since you get to keep the one bedroom apartment you should give Rachel the purple chair? Phoebe: No, I do not hear that. Ross: …and the miracle was that that little bit of oil that should’ve just lasted just one day, burned for… Ben: Eight whole days. Ross: That’s right, and that’s why we celebrate Hanukkah today. The end. Ben: Awesome! Ross: Yeah? Chandler: My favorite part was when Superman flew all the Jews out of Egypt. Ross: The Armadillo was actually not so thrilled about that part! Okay Ben, it’s time to light the Hanukkah candles! Rachel: Hey! Phoebe: Oh. Rachel: Wow! It looks like the Easter Bunny’s funeral in here. Ross: Come on, come on, we’re-we’re-we’re lighting the candles! Rachel: Oh. Phoebe: Oh. Phoebe: Okay, I understand why Superman is here, but why is there a porcupine at the Easter Bunny’s funeral? Ending Credits Rachel: I got it! Joey: Is it back in the cage? Rachel: Its back in cage! Joey: Cage closed? Rachel: Joey, would you just come out here and stop being such a baby! End Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan Transcribed by: Eric Aasen With Help from: Aaron Howard-Miller Chandler: Ohh. Mmm. Rachel: Hi. Chandler: Hey, you have got to try this cheesecake. Rachel: Oh, y’know I'm not that much of a sweet tooth. I— Chandler: It was at the front door. When I got home. Somebody sent it to us. Rachel: Chandler, this is not addressed to you. This is addressed to Mrs. Braverman downstairs. Thief. Chandler: I—no! I didn't read the box before I opened it. And you can't return a box after you've opened the box. Rachel: Why, why not? Chandler: Because it's too delicious. Rachel: Chandler, you stole this cheesecake. That is wrong. Chandler: No-no-no! It is going to be okay, because Mrs. Braverman is gonna send away for a free one and that way we all win! The only losers are the big cheesecake conglomerate, I feel terrible, I’m a horrible, horrible, horrible person. Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry what? Opening Credits Joey: All right, I should get going, big day a work. Y’know I’m in a coma? Today, they do this test on me and it turns out I’m not brain dead. Chandler: So… Joey: Ah-ah-ah Mr. Smartie Pants, it’s just not my character that’s not brain dead. Hey, so Pheebs, we still on for tonight? Phoebe: Absolutely! Joey: I’ll see you at 8:00. Phoebe: Okay. Chandler: Oh, what’s at 8:00? Phoebe: Oh, I have dinner plans with Joey. We get together about once a month to discuss the rest of you guys. Ross: Wow, did not know that! May I say how lovely you look today? Phoebe: Duly noted. Ross: Thanks. Oh! So for tomorrow, do you want to rent a car and drive down together or what? Monica: What are you talking about? Ross: Cousin Frannie’s wedding, its tomorrow night. Monica: You were invited?! Ross: No. Monica: My God, I can’t believe this! I mean I knew that mom and dad were invited, but I thought that was it! I mean from the ages 7 to 9 Frannie and I were inseparable! Chandler: Well, maybe since the age of 9, Frannie’s made some new friends. Ross: Well l-look okay, it’s probably just a mistake. Let me call Aunt Sheryl okay? Maybe you are invited and the invitation just got lost in the mail. Monica: Yeah, well you call her and tell her that y’know when we were kids her precious little Frannie tried to undress me several times, okay? And if I hadn’t have stopped her, there probably wouldn’t even be a wedding to go too. Ross: Y’know, she tried to undress me too. Chandler: I used to undress my cousin Glenn. Phoebe: Joseph Francis Tribbiani are you home yet?!! Rachel: Umm, I think he’s still out. What’s wrong? Phoebe: Well, I’ll tell you Rachel Karen Green, I had plans with Joey tonight and he left me this note. Rachel: Big Daddy? Phoebe: Oh that’s a nickname we were trying out. Ross: Hey, y’know what nickname never caught on? The Ross-A-Tron! Joey: Hey! Phoebe: Oh! Here’s Joseph Francis! Joey: Oh-Wha-Ho! What are you middle naming me for?! I left you a note! Phoebe: So what?! That doesn’t give you the right to ditch me! Joey: Hey, you can cancel plans with friends if there is the possibility for sex! Ross: Phoebe he’s right, that is the rule. Phoebe: I don’t accept this rule. When me make plans, I expect you to show up. Okay, I can’t just be a way to kill time ‘til you meet someone better! Y’know boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but this is for life! Joey: Wow! I’m so sorry; I had no idea it would bother you this much. Phoebe: Well, it does. Joey: Okay, can I-can I make it up to you? Huh? I’m sorry. How about uh, dinner tomorrow night?! I’ll pay for myself! Phoebe: Okay, you wore me down. Ross: Hey Joe, while you’re over there how about another beer for the Ross-A-Tron? Joey: The Ross—Is that back?!! Rachel: Hi! Chandler: Another cheesecake came! They delivered it to the wrong address again! Rachel: So just bring it back downstairs, what’s the problem? Chandler: I can’t seem to say goodbye. Rachel: Are you serious?! Chandler, we ate an entire cheesecake two days ago and you want more? Chandler: Well I’ve forgotten what it tastes like okay?! Rachel: It was cheesecake. It was fine. It had a buttery, crumbly, graham cracker crust, with a very rich yet light, cream cheese filling… Wow! My whole mouth just filled with saliva! Chandler: Y’know what? Forget it! We are just hungry! We have not had lunch! We are just light-headed! So let us go out and have lunch and forget about the cheesecake. Rachel: Yeah and we’ll drop it off downstairs so that we’re not tempted. Chandler: Good idea. Where do you want to go to lunch? Rachel: Momma’s Little Bakery, Chicago, Illinois. Joey: Awww! Mel Torme died. Monica: Joey, that paper’s like a year old! Joey: Aw! Does that mean the Sam Goody’s sale is over?! Ross: Hey. Joey: Hey. Monica: Hey. Ross: So I finally heard back from Aunt Sheryl and apparently it wasn’t a mistake. Ahh, there’s-there’s limited seating in the hall. Monica: Limited seating?! I am just one tiny person! Ross: Well yeah, but she doesn’t know that. I mean, the last time she saw you-you would’ve turned one of those little wedding chairs into kindling. Monica: Limited seating! Oh, that is such a lame excuse! That’s not the reason she’s not inviting me! Ross: Oh what’s the big deal?! I wasn’t even invited to the ceremony, just the reception. And-and y’know what? If it makes you feel any better, Joan and I will just make an appearance and then, and then we’ll-we’ll leave early as a sign of protest. Monica: Joan? Ross: Yeah, Joan Tedeski my date. She’s an assistant professor in the Linguistics department. Tall, very beautiful, and despite what some people say, not broad backed! Monica: Wait a minute, you got Ross Gellar and guest?! I wasn’t invited and you got "and guest?!" Joey: Uh-uh, excuse me, I do have to interrupt on Ross’s behalf. I-I think the rule applies here y’know, since she has a chance to get on broad back… Ross: Not broad backed! Monica: Wait a minute, y’know, you’re bringing me! Ross: What? I can’t cancel on Joan! Monica: Why not?! Ross: Bec—Did you not hear me?! She’s an assistant professor in the Linguistics department, okay? They’re wild! Why do you want to come anyway? Monica: Because! She’s my cousin. I mean, we grew up together! We’re family y’know? Well that’s important to me. Ross: Okay, all right, I’ll take you. I’ll go call Joan. Joey: Aww that’s nice. Family should be there, huh? This is her wedding, happiest day of her life. Monica: We’ll see. Chandler: Well, thank you for lunch. Rachel: What? Wait a minute, I didn’t pay, I thought you paid! Chandler: So apparently we just don’t pay for food anymore. Do you see what I see? Rachel: Chandler: Mrs. Braverman must be out. Rachel: She could be out of town. Maybe she’ll be gone for months. Chandler: By then, the cheesecake may have gone bad. We don’t want her to come back to bad cheesecake. Rachel: No that could kill her. Chandler: Well, we don’t want that. Rachel: No so we’re protecting her. Chandler: But we should take it. Rachel: But we should move quick. Chandler: Why? Rachel: Because I think I just heard her moving around in there. Chandler: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Phoebe: Oh my God! That’s David! Monica: David who? Phoebe: David the scientist guy, David that I was in love with, David who went to Russia and broke my heart David! David: Oh my God! Phoebe: Oh, you say someone’s name enough, they turn around. David: Phoebe? Phoebe: David! What-what are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in Russia? David: Yeah, I’m just, I’m just in town for a conference. Umm, God you look phenomenal! Phoebe: Well… Yeah. You look great too. Did you get a haircut? David: Yeah. Well I-I got like thirty of them. Phoebe: Yeah. David: Umm, look I-I-I got a confession to make… Phoebe: Uh-huh. David: Uh, I-I-I was hoping to run into you here. I didn’t know whether I should call or not, y’know I-I was only in town for a few days. And y’know, I didn’t want to intrude on your life or-or anything like that, but I-I really wanted to see you and—but I didn’t know if you wanted to see me. Phoebe: Well, of course I would want to see you. I…I think about you all the time. David: Really? Because I think about you all the time. Phoebe: Really? David: I mean, there’s a statue in Minsk… Phoebe: Uh-huh. David: That reminds me of you so much, I mean umm, it-it’s actually of Lenin. But, y’know at certain angles… Phoebe: Yeah. David: Umm, anyway…Do you want to have dinner tonight? Phoebe: Yes! Oh no! David: Oh. Uh, what? Phoebe: I can’t. I can’t believe I have plans, I can’t. Can you do it tomorrow night though? David: Uh no, I have to go in a few hours. I have to be on the red-eye. Well listen, y’know, next time you’re in Minsk umm… Monica: Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second? Phoebe: Uh-huh. Monica: What are you doing? Phoebe: Well, I have plans with Joey tonight. Monica: So! He’ll understand! Phoebe: No he won’t. And that’s not even the point! Monica, I made a whole speech about you do not cancel plans with friends! And now y’know what? Just because, potentially, the love of my life comes back from Russia just for one night, I-I should change my beliefs?! I should change beliefs! No! No! No, if I don’t have my principles, I don’t have anything! Monica: God, you are so strong. Phoebe: Or! I should rush through dinner with Joey and I can meet David at 9:00! Commercial Break Rachel: Oh my God! That is so good! Chandler: I’m full, and yet I know if I stop eating this, I’ll regret it. Joey: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Joey: What do you got there? Rachel: Oh it’s umm, it’s tofu cake. Do you want some? Chandler: What are you doing tonight? Joey: Huh? Uh… Chandler: Dude! Dude! Joey: Oh! Sorry. Uh, I’ve got those plans with Phoebe, why? Chandler: Oh really? Uh, Monica said she had a date at 9:00. Joey: What?! Tonight?! Chandler: That’s what Monica said. Joey: After she gave me that big speech?! She goes and makes a date with a guy on the same night she has plans with me? I think she’s trying to pull a fast one on Big Daddy! Ross: Oh here, I think this is us. Yeah. Monica: Limited seating my ass. Let’s see who made the cut. Hi! The Wedding Guest: Hi! Monica: I’m Monica Gellar. Who do you know the bride and groom? The Wedding Guest: Oh, I used to work with Frannie. Monica: Used to work with her. Used to! I’m a relative and I didn’t get invited! A blood relative! Blood!! Ross: Stop saying, "Blood" to strangers. Monica: So, how about you huh? How do you know the happy couple? The Second Guest: We went to college with both of them and now we live next door. Monica: Okay, you’re fine. The Waiter: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! The Waiter: Are you guys ready? Phoebe: Yes! I will have the green salad, umm the house salad, and water’s fine. The Waiter: Okay. Phoebe: Okay. The Waiter: And for you sir? Joey: Yeah, this slow roasted salmon, just how slow are we talkin’ here? The Waiter: It’s uh, it’s already been roasted. Joey: Ohh, then no. Maybe I should hear those specials again. Phoebe: Oh Joey, we’ve heard the specials three times! Okay? There’s prime rib, mahi mahi, and a very special lobster ravioli. The Waiter: Actually we’re out of the lobster ravioli. Joey: Oh well, that changes everything! Y’know what Pheebs? Phoebe: Huh? Joey: You were right before. I mean, friends are so important. Phoebe: Yeah, I’m very wise. I know. Joey: Y’know-y’know what I really want? Phoebe: What? Joey: Is to have a long, long talk. Y’know? Get Joey out on the open road and really open him up. The Waiter: Any progress? Joey: Yes! I will have the lobster ravioli. Phoebe: God Joey, this is taking forever! Joey: What’s the rush? What? Phoebe: W-w—I just—it’s that—I have—y’know I have-I have an appointment. And it’s very important. Joey: Whoa-whoa, what is it? Phoebe: Well… It’s a date. Joey: A date?! No, no Pheebs you-you must be mistaken, because I know you wouldn’t schedule a date on the same night you have plans with a friend! Phoebe: Come on Joey, don’t make me feel badly about this. Joey: No, I’m gonna!! That’s right! Yeah, you made me feel really guilty about goin’ out with that girl! Like-like-like I did something terrible to you! And now Pheebs, you’re doing the same thing! Phoebe: That—It’s not the same thing! This is totally different! This is with David! Remember David, the scientist guy? Okay, he’s very special to me. Joey: Okay, well my girl from the other night was special. She was a scientist too! Phoebe: She was? Joey: Well, she graduated from high school! Phoebe: Okay, whatever. Y’know what? I don’t have time have time to convince you because he’s only here for four hours, and I’m gonna go see him! Joey: Fine! Phoebe: Yeah! Joey: Fine! Phoebe: Yeah! Joey: What are you still doin’ here?! I told you, lobster ravioli! Phoebe: Hey! David: Hey! Oh, I was just about to leave. I-I-I-I didn’t think you were coming. Phoebe: Oh, I wouldn’t miss this. David: Well, I’m very glad you’re here. Phoebe: Oh, you’re such a gentleman. Chandler: Are you eating the cheesecake without me?! Rachel: Chandler: I will give you a hundred dollars to whistle right now. How can you eat the cheesecake without me?! Rachel: Oh, what are you going to do?! Are you gonna go run tell Monica?! Are you gonna tell Joey?! No! Because then you will have to tell them what we did! We are desert stealers! We are living outside the law! Chandler: Y’know what? I don’t trust you with this cake anymore! And I got it first, and I’m takin’ it back! Rachel: What?! What?! Chandler: Oh yes! Rachel: Wait a minute! Chandler: Oh yes! Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, no you don’t! Chandler: Oh yes! Oh yes! Rachel: You think I trust you with it?! No! We’re gonna split it! You take half and I take half! Chandler: Well that’s not fair, you’ve already had some! Rachel: What? Oh, well then y’know what? I think Monica would be very interested to know that you called her cheesecake dry and mealy. Chandler: What do we use to split it? Rachel: Okay! All right, pick a half. Chandler: Okay well, this side looks bigger. Uh… There’s more crust on this side. Y’know? So, maybe if I measured… Rachel: Oh for God sake just pick a piece! Chandler: All right, I’ll pick that one. Rachel: That’s also the smaller piece. Oh!!!! Chandler: Ohhh! Rachel: Okay, you gotta give me some of your piece. Chandler: Oh-ho-ho-ho-no! No! No switching! No sharing, and don’t come crying to me! Ha-ha-ha! I may just sit here and have my cake all day! Just sit here in the hallway and eat my… The Woman: Ross, sweetheart! Ross: Oh, hey Aunt Millie. Aunt Millie: Isn’t it a beautiful wedding?! Ross: Yes, yes it is. It’s uh… Every time on the lips! Why?! Why on lips?! Monica: Here’s Frannie. Hmm, won’t she be happy to see me? Ross: Now wait a minute, you be nice! All right? I didn’t bring you here so you can ambush her. Monica: Frannie was the one who found your Playboys and showed them to mom. Ross: That bitch! Frannie: Monica! What… Monica: Am I doing here? Why? Surprised to see me? Ross brought me. How do you like that?! Ross: Hi Frannie, congratulations. Monica: You invite my brother, you invite my whole family, and not me?! Why?! What—Why wouldn’t you want me at your wedding? What could I have possibly done?! Stuart! Frannie: I believe you know my husband. Ross: So it’s really a question of who could you have possibly done. David: Oh, I hate this but I-I-I have to go. I-I can’t miss my flight. Phoebe: Are you sure? I’ll bet there’s another flight to Minsk in like… David: July. Umm, Phoebe: That’s really beautiful. What does it mean? David: Please, clean my beakers. I don’t get out of the lab much. Phoebe: That’s good. I got to admit, I thought it was something else. David: Yeah, I… Well I really actually wanted to say umm, that, but um, I figured I probably shouldn’t because y’know, I…have to leave. Phoebe: You’re right! You’re right. Don’t say it. David: I-I do though. Phoebe: I do too. David: Bye Phoebe. Phoebe: Okay, now’s not the time Joey. All right? You can yell at me tomorrow. Joey: No! No! No Pheebs, I’m not gonna yell at you. I just y’know, started thinking about you and David and I…remember how bummed you were the first time he left. And I just… Oh Pheebs, come here. Are you okay? Phoebe: No I’m not okay. The only guy I’ve ever been crazy about has gone to Minsk and I may never…I may never see him again. Joey: Hey, y’know you could always visit him. Phoebe: Oh right, like they’re gonna let me have a passport. Joey: Anything I can do? Whatever you need. Phoebe: Well—But—Now, if-if you can achieve positronic distillation of sub-atomic particles y’know before he does, then he can come back. Joey: I can give it a shot. Rachel: Oh! Yay! Look! There’s a piece that doesn’t have floor on it! Chandler: Stick to your side! Rachel: Hey, come on now! Joey: Ending Credits Monica: Oh wait I forgot my wrap. Ross: What? Oh, okay. Wait here. Aunt Millie: Hi sweetie! Are you leaving? Ross: Well… Aunt Millie: Give us a kiss. Come on! Come on! Ross: Why?! Why on the lips?! End Written by: Zack Rosenblatt Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Monica: Ross, when’s this comet thing start? Ross: Well, technically it seven billion years ago… All: Ross: Okay! Okay! Fine, I’ll stop! No teaching, okay? We’ll just watch the pretty light streaking across the sky. Okay? Who’s official name is Bapstein-King. All: Okay! Okay! Phoebe: There it is! Oh, look at that! Isn’t Mother Nature amazing? Chandler: That’s a plane! Phoebe: Well, all right. 1700 bags of peanuts flying that high, that’s pretty amazing too. Tag: Hey, I wonder if you can see my apartment from up here. Rachel: No. No, you can’t. Tag: What? Rachel: Oh I don’t-I don’t know. Ross: Man, look at all those stars! Infinite space. It really, really makes you wonder, doesn’t it? Joey: Y’know what else makes you wonder? Ross: Huh? Joey: Check out the rack on this chick! Opening Credits Monica: Okay, we’ve been out here for two hours and we haven’t seen any stupid comets. Can we go now? I mean, Chandler’s getting chilly. Chandler: No, I’m not! Joey: Then why are you wearing Monica’s jacket? Chandler: Because it’s flattering! Rachel: Yeah actually, I think we’re gonna take off too. We rented a movie. Phoebe: Oh! I won’t say, ‘no’ to a movie! Rachel: Uh Pheebs, we just actually kinda wanted to be alone. Phoebe: Shh! Get me out of here. Rachel: Oh. Joey: Ross! Ross: What? Joey: Come here, check this out! Ross: What? Is it the comet? Joey: No! No-no. Look, there’s a bug stuck in tar right here. Ross: Joey come—I can’t believe—I bring you here to see the Bapstein-King comet, one of nature’s most spectacular phenomenon, and all you care about are bugs stuck in tar and-and some woman! Joey: Y’know, there’s two women dude. Ross: Show me where? Joey: Right-right up here. Ross: Joey where’s the pipe that was holding the door open? Joey: Yeah, I do. Ross: Joey! Joey: What?! All right—Hey! Don’t look at me! You’re the one who wanted to come up and look for some stupid Burger King comet! Ross: It’s called the Bapstein-King comet, okay? Hey! Hey! Bapstein was a very well respected astronomer! Joey: Chandler: Monica! Monica: She’s sleeping. Chandler: I know, just quick-quick question, quick question. Which one was Deep Impact and which one was Armageddon? Monica: Deep Impact was the one with Robert Duval, Armageddon is what’s going to happen to you if you wake me up. Chandler: Sorry, I just…can’t sleep. Ooh! Monica: It is in the living room where there is also a light! And no one will kick you in the shin. Chandler: What?! Phoebe: How could you be beeping?! I just disconnected you! I took out your battery! How can… Smoke Detector: Beep! Phoebe: Don’t interrupt me!! Ross: Rachel!! Monica!! Joey: Come on! Ross: I can’t believe this!! Joey: All right well, y’know…I guess we know what we have to do to get down. Ross: Help us! Please help us! We’re stuck up on the roof and we can’t get down!!! Joey: Ross. I was thinking we could just go down the fire escape. Ross: But don’t worry! We’re gonna go down the fire escape!! Chandler: Shhhhhhhhh!!! I’m sorry, I thought maybe I’d make some warm milk and it would help me sleep. Monica: With a wok? I thought you were going to read my boring book to put you asleep. Chandler: It got interesting! Damn you Oprah! Monica: Here, let me make the milk, I’m up anyway. Chandler: Hey, y’know what we can do? Y’know, now that we are up? We can just like talk to each other all night long, y’know like we did when we were first going out. It’d be fun! Monica: Okay that does sound like fun. Chandler: Okay, so how bummed were you when the second sister died huh? Monica: The second sister dies?! Chandler: No. No, I-I was, I was talking about the book I was reading. Monica: The second sister dies in Archie and Jughead Double Digest? Chandler: That’s correct. Rachel: You wanna go in the bedroom? It’s a little more comfortable. Tag: Sure. Rachel: Okay. Oh wait! Umm, did you send those contracts to Milan? Tag: If this is your idea of sexy talk? Rachel: No seriously, y’know the contracts I gave you, did you overnight them? Tag: What contracts? Rachel: Okay please tell me that this is just one of your jokes that you do that I don’t get. Tag: Like what? Rachel: Y’know, like the thing when you put the phone in your pants? Tag! I’m serious! This isn’t funny! Those contracts absolutely had to go out today! Tag: Rach, I’m sorry, but you didn’t give me any contracts! Rachel: Yes I did! And I put a little Post-It on it that said, "Must go out today," and underlined today three times and, and then I put a little heart in the corner because I didn’t want to seem to bossy. Tag: I’m telling you, you never gave them to me. Rachel: Y’know what Tag, if we went down to the office you would see those contracts sitting on your desk. Tag: No, I would see you looking embarrassed because they are not on my desk! Rachel: Or maybe you would see me looking embarrassed because you are talking on the phone with your crotch! Tag: You wanna go down to the office right now? Rachel: No! Come on its late, we’re not gonna go down to the office. Tag: Okay I understand. I wouldn’t want to be proved wrong either. Rachel: Okay get your coat! Nice work! Joey: All right, it won’t go down any further. It’s stuck. Ross: Ugh. Well, we’re just gonna have to jump. Yeah. Now, we’re gonna have to make sure to land to the right of that patch of ice, okay? Not hit the dumpster on the other side and uh, and try to avoid that-that weird brownish red stuff in the middle. So, when you get down there…you go up to the roof and you let me in. Joey: Oh whoa-whoa wait a minute! I have to do it?! Ross: Yeah! Oh yeah, you’ll be fine! It-it’ll be uh, just like bungy jumping. Y’know? But instead of bouncing back up you-you won’t. Joey: What if I smack my head on the concrete? Ross: Well, I’m gonna lie to you Joey, it’s a possibility. Joey: I don’t know Ross! I-I tell you what, let’s flip to see who does it, okay? You-you call it in the air, all right? Ross: Oh, all right. Can you-can you see what it is? Joey: No. Ross: Okay. Well, you be careful. Joey: What? No! No Ross! No-no! Stop! I’m not jumping! Okay, look I have an audition tomorrow and I can’t go if I break my leg. Ross: Well I’m jumping! I have a son! Okay? He won’t have a father if-if I die! Joey: Well all right so, it looks like we’re even! Phoebe: Okay. So, this wire is connected to this wire which plugs into here. What do you want from me?!!!!!!! Monica: Okay, here’s your milk. What do you want to talk about? Chandler: What? What? What? Monica: Ohh! Ohhhh! Were you sleeping sweetie? I’m sorry. Here. Tag: Okay! Feel free to look, but I’m telling you those contracts are not on this desk. Rachel: Oh how can you possibly know? Look at this mess, Tag! I mean, this is what I’m talking about! You have to be organized! You’ve got newspapers! You’ve got magazines! You got—Ohh! And who is this chippy? A little young for you Tag, but whatever. Tag: It’s my sister. Rachel: Okay, very cute braces. Anyway y’know what, the point is Tag, start looking because you are going to find those contracts on your desk. Tag: So when do you imagine you gave them to me? In the morning or in the afternoon? Rachel: In the afternoon. Mr. Zelner came into my office after lunch. He put them on my desk, and then I put a Post-It on it that said, "Must go out today." So you just keep looking in there! All right? Commercial Break Tag: It’s not here. Rachel: Puzzler. A bit of a puzzle. Why don’t you um, check the copy room, maybe you left the contracts in there? Tag: How could I have left them in the copy room? Rachel: I don’t know Tag! How can your genitals make phone calls? Okay? It’s not a perfect world! Just go please. Tag: Fine. Rachel: Thank you. I still don’t get it. Monica: Are you still awake? Chandler: Yeah! You? Monica: You do know that was me who just said that right? Hey. As long as we’re both up… Chandler: I hope you’re not thinking about cleaning the living room. Joey: Man, I’m starving! What the hell was I thinking at dinner?! "Do you want soup or salad?" Both! Always order both! Ross: Y’know, y’know I’m lookin’ and I don’t think anyone’s home here. I say we just break the window, crawl through, and-and y’know explain later. Joey: Yeah? Really? No one’s home? Ross: I don’t think so. Hello? Phoebe: Okay, this is where you and I part ways. Noisy bitch! Monica: What?! What are you doing?! Chandler: Do you know what just happened? Monica: Yeah. We-we had sex and then we fell asleep. Chandler: No. We were in the middle of sex…and you fell asleep. Monica: Nooo! No, that’s not true. No, best time ever! Yeah, you rocked me world! Chandler: Monica? Monica: What?! Chandler: I was giving you some of my best moves, and you missed it. So please wake up so we can do it right! Monica: Okay. Okay, I’m ready. Come on big fella! Chandler: Okay. Monica: Give me the good stuff. Chandler: Yeah! And I probably won’t spill coffee grounds all over the kitchen floor. Monica: Okay, I’m up! I’m up! Rachel: Hi! I got you some coffee. To, uh… …fair enough. So! Do you got anything for me? Tag: Still no luck. Rachel: Oh my God! Did you check your entire desk! Did you check all the drawers! Tag: Do you want me to check again? Rachel: Well yeah, I wish that you would. Tag: Well, it’s not out here. Is there any chance it could be in your office? Rachel: Tag: Any luck? Rachel: Can I see you in my office for a minute? Tag: Y’know what? I’m not even going to gloat. I’m just really relived this whole thing is over. Rachel: You put these on my desk! Tag: I did not! Rachel: Oh really? So you’re saying they just slid out of your bottom drawer, crawled across the floor, then jumped on to my desk?! Tag: How did you know they were in my bottom drawer? Rachel: I am so hot for you right now. Phoebe: Oh my God! How did you get back here?! A Disembodied Voice: Phoebe Buffay?! Phoebe: Oh! Hi, officer—fireman, can-can I help you? The Fireman: We found your fire alarm in the trash chute. Phoebe: That’s not mine. The Fireman: Yes it is. Phoebe: How do you know? The Fireman: The next time you want to dump a fire alarm in a trash chute, don’t wrap it in a blanket that says, "Property of Phoebe Buffay not Monica." Phoebe: Okay do you—Okay, do you have a search warrant? Because the last time I checked this was still America! The Fireman: Please reattach this, it’s against the law to disconnect them. Phoebe: Fine! But please God; tell me how to stop them from going off! The Fireman: There’s a reset button under the plastic cover. Phoebe: There’s a reset button?! Ugh, thank you! Thank you! Ohh, God! Ross: Okay, do-do you have a good grip? Joey: Yeah! Ross: Okay, I’m going to start climb down you now. Joey: All right! Just hurry up! Ross: Okay. Now-now-now should I climb down your front so we’re face to face or-or should I climb down your back so we’re-we’re butt to face. Joey: I think face to face. Ross: I would say that. Joey: Face to face, yeah! Ross: Okay, here I go. Joey: All right. Joey: Oh my… How much do you weigh Ross?! Ross: I prefer not to answer that right now, I’m still carrying a little holiday weight. Joey: Y’know, when we talked about face to face, I don’t think we thought it all the way through. Ross: So what do you want me to do? Joey: Well, just shimmy down me and drop! Ross: Hi. Joey: Hi. Ross: M-maybe I should hang and you can climb down me. Joey: Yeah? Maybe we should talk about that for a little while! Ross: It’s still looks pretty far! Joey: It’s not that far! Just drop! Ross: Do not rush me!! Joey: Ross, you should know that my pants are startin’ to come down and I’m not wearing any underwear! Ross: Oww!! My ankle! I really hurt my ankle! I think I twisted it when I—Ooh, a quarter! Ending Credits Monica: That really was some of your best work. Chandler: Hm-hmm, I told you! I can’t believe that I’ve only got two hours before I call in sick for work. Monica: I have to be up in seven minutes. Chandler: Well, you’re not gonna believe this, but if you have seven minutes… Monica: Really?! Chandler: Do you wanna? Monica: Okay! You get the vacuum cleaner and I’ll get the furniture polish! End Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones Story by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Joey: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Joey: What are you doing? Rachel: Well, y’know I was thinking of moving the couch over here. Joey: Why would you want to do that? Rachel: So that there will be a decent place for me to sit. Joey: Rach, there is a decent place to… Rachel: And your lap does not count! Okay? Come on help me move this. Joey: No. No. No. Rachel: No? Joey: No. Rosita does not move. Rachel: I’m sorry, Rosita? As in… Joey: As in Rosita does not move. Rachel: Joey, it’s just a chair! What’s the big deal? Joey: The big deal is that it is the exact equal distance from the bathroom to the kitchen and it’s at the perfect angle so you don’t get any glare coming of off Stevie. Rachel: Stevie the TV? Joey: Is there a problem? Rachel: No! You bitch! Opening Credits Ross: Hey, y’know what’s weird? After you guys get married, when you introduce me to people you’re gonna have to say, "This is my brother-in-law Ross." Not, "My friend Ross," "brother-in-law Ross." That’s weird isn’t it? Chandler: Couldn’t I just say, "This is Ross?" Ross: Sure, do whatever you want. Monica: Hey Ross! So, I was checking out the uh, real estate section… Ross: Yeah? Monica: Look at this. Ross: Oh, it looks like mom and dad’s house. Oh, it even has a tree with a broken limb out front and the uh, the window in the attic is…Oh my God!! Phoebe: What? What happened to the window in the attic?! Monica: I can’t believe mom and dad are selling the house! Ross: I can’t believe they-they didn’t even tell us! Phoebe: I can’t believe I still don’t know what happened to the window in the attic! Ross: Who did you leave a message with? Chandler: Rachel: Joey, Joey I am so sorry. Joey: I told you not to move it! Rach, how would you feel if say, I wanted to move you mom, and you said don’t, and I did it anyway and her head fell off? Rachel: Okay, come on—Joey, I’ll buy you a new one! All right? We’ll go down to the store right now and we’ll-we’ll get you a new chair. Joey: She’s not even cold yet! Rachel: But don’t you think Rosita would’ve wanted you to move on? I mean y’know, she did always put…your comfort first. Joey: That’s true. Rachel: Okay? You ready? Joey: Yeah, I… I don’t want Stevie to see her like this. Ross: I can’t believe we have to say goodbye to the house we grew up in. Man, some-some stranger’s gonna be living in my room. Monica: Well, after 15 years of mom and dad keeping it as a shrine to you, it’s time the velvet ropes came down. Ross: They kept your room for a while. Monica: Oh please! Dad turned my room into a gym 20 minutes after I moved out! I gotta say, a tanning bed and a stack of Victoria’s Secret catalogues, not a gym! Ross: Come on, you know they love you. Monica: As much as they love you? Ross: I was their first born! They thought she was barren! It’s not my fault. Phoebe: Hey. Ross: Hey. Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Ugh, I hate this year! Ross: What’s wrong with this year? Phoebe: Well okay, it’s already February and I’ve only given two massages and they were both the worst tippers in the world! Monica: That was me and Ross. Phoebe: Oh that’s right! Ross: Hey, y’know if you want to pick up some extra cash? Some friends of mine made good money doing telemarketing. Monica: Oh that’s a great idea. You’re really good on the phone. Phoebe: Yeah and yeah, and it would probably be better than the last telephone job I had. Y’know, I probably wouldn’t have to say spank as much. Ross: What? Phoebe: Oh yeah, like you never called! Supervisor: So basically this is very easy. You read from the script and try to sell as much toner as you possibly can. Phoebe: Okay, I can do that! Oh, by the way, I love my office. Supervisor: Why don’t we do a trial run. Phoebe: Oh okay. Umm, all right. Hi, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies, can I speak to your supply manager please? Supervisor: I’m the supply manager. Phoebe: Umm, okay I would like to talk to you about your toner needs. Supervisor: We don’t need any toner. Phoebe: Oh okay, well I’m sorry to bother you. Bye-bye. Yeah you’re right, this is easy. Supervisor: Okay, what was wrong with that call? Phoebe: Oh well, all right…um, no offense, but you were kind of rude. Supervisor: They’re always going to tell you they don’t need toner, but that’s okay because whatever they say, you can find the answer to it here in this script. Phoebe: Oh. Supervisor: So, I think you’re ready to sell toner, do you have any last questions? Phoebe: No. Oh wait yes! I do, I do have one question. What is toner? Chandler: Joey! Joe! Ross: Dad? Mr. Geller: I’m here! Ross: Hey! Mr. Geller: Hi. God, it seems like just yesterday you guys used to come out to watch me work. Ross: Dad, we-we can’t believe you’re selling the house. Mr. Geller: Well, it’s time for a new family to start their memories here and hopefully their check will clear before they find the crack in the foundation and the asbestos in the ceiling. Ross: Let’s grab our stuff and get the hell out of here. Mr. Geller: I’m sorry we can’t store your childhood things anymore. Monica: Oh, that’s okay, I can’t wait to see everything again! All of the memories… Mr. Geller: Well, I don’t know what’s in the boxes down here, but I do know there are six or seven Easy Bake Ovens in the attic. Monica: I used to love to play restaurant. Ross: Yeah, not as much as you used to love to play uncooked batter eater. Monica: Hey, it is unreasonable to expect a child to wait for a light bulb to cook brownies! Mr. Geller: So, I think you’re boxes are over here. Ross: Wow! Great! Wait, dad who-who’s cigarettes are these? Mr. Geller: I don’t know. They-they must be your mother’s, but please, please don’t ask her. I’ll throw these away. Ross: Cool! Dad! My report cards! Hey, check this out dad, Oooh, my rock polisher! Mr. Geller: Oh look, look there’s your old makeup kit! Ross: It’s a clown kit! Clown kit! Mr. Geller: Well, the white seems to be untouched. Uh-oh. Ross: What? Mr. Geller: Y’know how the garage floods every Spring? Ross: How are you ever going to sell this place? Mr. Geller: I think I accidentally used Monica’s boxes to keep the water away from the Porsche. Ross: Oh no. Dad! Dad! What… Oh God…everything’s ruined! Dad, she’s gonna be crushed! Mr. Geller: You don’t secretly smoke do you? Ross: No! Mr. Geller: So it’s just your mother then. Phoebe: Earl: I don’t need any toner. Phoebe: I’m hearing what you’re saying, but at our prices everyone needs toner. Earl: Not me. Phoebe: May I ask why? Earl: You wanna know why. You wanna know why? Phoebe: I surely do! Earl: Okay, I don’t need any toner because I’m going to kill myself. Phoebe: Umm, is-is that because you’re out of toner? Commercial Break Earl: Okay, so…no toner today. Thanks anyway, bye-bye. Phoebe: No-no wait-wait! I can’t just let you hang up! Just please talk to me. Earl: Well…I only have one thing to do today. I guess I could push it back. Phoebe: Yeah! Now, why do you want to kill yourself? Earl: It’s just that I uh, have been working for ten years now at this meaningless, dead-end job and nobody here even knows I exist! Phoebe: Chandler? Earl: I-I’m sorry? Phoebe: No look, I-I’m sure that people know you exist! Earl: Oh yeah? I work in a cubicle surrounded by people. I’ve been talking to you for five minutes now about killing myself and no one’s even looked up from their desk. Hang-hang on. Ehh, nothing. Nothing. Chandler: My chair. Now, if anybody asks, your name is Rosita! Rachel: You will like it! Joey: No I won’t. Rachel: You don’t even know! Joey: Because, I know what I like and what I don’t like! It’s not the same thing! Rachel: Well look, if you don’t like this… Joey: I don’t know why you say that so soon. Rachel: Come on Joey, I just bought you a new chair! The most expensive one in the store! Hey, y’know what I was thinking? We could name her Francette. Joey: Francette? What is she? A couch? Joey: Poor thing. Cut down in her prime. Rachel: Joey, the new chair will be here in an hour. Maybe we should actually move Rosita out of here. Y’know, start the heeling process? Joey: Well, I guess you’re right. Maybe, maybe I’ll take her down to the incinerator. It’s gonna be so said, and kinda cool. She’s heeled! Rachel: That’s weird. Joey: No it’s not weird, it’s a miracle! Rachel: It’s not a miracle Joey! I’m sure there’s some explanation. Joey: Oh there is! If you want something enough and your heart is pure, wondrous things can happen! Rachel: Joey, I really don’t… Joey: Can you tell me how this happened? Rachel: Well no. Joey: Miracle! Rachel: No, y’know what? Maybe somebody came in here and fixed it! Or something! Joey: Someone like an…angel? Rachel: That’s right Joey, the chair angel came in and heeled your chair. Joey: Mr. Geller: Well, she’ll understand right? It’s not like I did it on purpose. Ross: Dad that won’t matter to her. Look, all my stuff is safe and dry and all her is-is, is growing new stuff! See, this is exactly the kind of thing that makes her think you guys love me more than you love her. Mr. Geller: Oh my God, does she really thinks that? Ross: Well, can you blame her? Mr. Geller: Well I don’t know, I-I suppose we may have favored you unconsciously, you were a medical marvel! The doctor said your mother could… Ross: Dad, dad I don’t want to hear about it. Mr. Geller: Really? Ross: Well, not right now. Okay look, Monica came here for some memories and damnit, we’re gonna give her some! Okay, grab…grab some empty boxes. Okay? We’ll-we’ll take stuff from mine and whatever we can pass off as hers we’ll-we’ll put ‘em in their. Mr. Geller: Great! Ross: Like uh y’know like this! This! She-she could’ve made this! Mr. Geller: Sure! Ross: Right? And this! She-she could’ve won this! Mr. Geller: This could’ve been hers! Ross: Sure! Ooh-ooh, what about this? Mr. Geller: Your make-up kit? I’d feel better. Rachel: I am so psyched I kept this chair for myself! Joey: Yeah, me too. Rachel: Hey, how’s…how’s the uh, miracle chair? Joey: Fine. Rachel: Yeah? Wow! Y’know, that this thing has speakers in the headrest! Joey: No. Really? Rachel: Yeah! You can hook it up to your TV and you get radio! Joey: My chair heels itself. Phoebe: Earl, you’re not hearing me! All I’m saying is that you’re not alone all right? Everybody hates the people they work with! Guy: Hey guy! Phoebe: Wait, what was that? That sounded like someone being nice to you. Earl: No! That’s just the "Hey Guy" guy. He says that to everybody! He’s the worst! I’d like to take him with me! Phoebe: All right so Earl, let’s just forget about the people at the office, okay? There-there’s gotta be someone else in your life worth sticking around for! What about-what about your family, your friends, or maybe your girlfriend? Earl: Yeah! Right! Phoebe: Oh sorry, boyfriend! Earl: Oh no. Phoebe: No, whatever! Anything! The "Hey Guy" Guy: Hey guy! Phoebe: Yeah, he’s gotta go. Earl: Okay, I should, I should probably be getting back to my thing now. See ya. Phoebe: No! I’m not finished yet! Don’t! Don’t you dare hang up on me!!! Supervisor: The new girl’s good. Monica: Hey guys! Hey! Ross: Hey. Monica: Hey, I just whipped us up some Easy Bake treats, they should be ready in about three days. Mr. Geller: That’s a good one! Do you hear that Ross? Three days! Ross: Oh, this will make a great memory. Monica: Okay. So, which boxes are mine? Ross: Well, these. These are yours right here. Monica: Okay. Ross: Yeah. Yeah, oh you loved that thing. You always had it with you. You never went anywhere without-without that coloring book. Monica: Really? Wow! It looks like I had some trouble staying inside the lines. Ross: Nu-uh! Monica: Oh, an old glove? Mr. Geller: Oh, yeah you loved that glove! You took it every place you went. You never went any place without that glove. Monica: Wow! Look at this! Ross: Oh, I don’t know how that got in there. Monica: These are your boxes! Where are my boxes? Ross: Umm, your boxes are umm… Monica: What? Ross: Dad? Mr. Geller: Well, the garage flooded sweetie and it ruined everything in your boxes. I’m sorry. Monica: Just mine? Mr. Geller: I’m afraid so. Monica: So why-why wasn’t Ross’s stuff ruined? And if you say the words medical marvel I’m going to Easy Bake your head! Mr. Geller: Well, I used your boxes to divert water away from the Porsche. Monica: So wait, Ross’s stuff is fine, but I have no memories because you wanted to keep the bottom two inches of your car away from water!!! Mr. Geller: There was also leaves and guk and stuff. Monica: I can’t believe this! Mr. Geller: Commercial Break Rachel: Hey Chandler! Chandler: Hey! Rachel: How would you like to sit in a chair that fully reclines, has a rolling massage, and speakers in the head rest? Chandler: Yeah, I’d love to but I’ve tried that so many times they won’t even let me in the store anymore. Rachel: Well what if I told you, you can do it in my apartment? Chandler: Are you telling me that you bought the chair that is making all other lounge systems obsolete? The chair that Sit magazine called the Chair of the Year? Rachel: I just purchased the La-Z-Boy E-cliner 3000. Chandler: That’s awesome! That’s great! What made you do it?! Rachel: Well, it’s a long story, but umm I broke Joey’s chair… Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa! You broke Joey’s chair? Rachel: Yeah. Chandler: I thought I broke Joey’s chair! That’s why I replaced it with mine! Rachel: Ohhhhh. That’s how it got fixed! Chandler: Well, what did you think, that-that elves came in and fixed it? Rachel: Noo! Angels. Chandler: I’m gettin’ my chair back! Rachel: What? Wh-hey! Joey: Well, it looks like it wasn’t heeled after all! Yeah! So, I guess this chair is mine now! Chandler: Joey you broke my chair!! Joey: Your chair?! Rachel: Yeah, he thought he broke your chair so he switched the chairs! Joey: So, there was no miracle?! Rachel: No Joe, no miracle. Joey: Oh no this is devastating! My faith is shaken. I’m so glad I have the new chair to get my through this difficult time in my life. Rachel: Uh-huh! Nice try, but you don’t get that chair anymore! All right? That is my chair now! You can sit on my lap! No I take that back! Chandler: I think I should get the chair! Joey: How do you figure? Chandler: Because you broke a chair! The only one around here that hasn’t broke a chair, is me! Rachel: No-no-no! This chair’s not going anywhere. Chandler: Well, where’s the logic in that?! Rachel: The logic is, that there are two of us and we are both strong enough to break a chair in half! Chandler: So Joey breaks my chair and I get nothing! Joey: That’s right! Chandler: What are you guys? Like a gang or something?! Joey: Yeah! We are! Rachel: We’re the Cobras! Phoebe: Excuse me! Can you tell me where I can find Earl? He’s the supply manager around here. Marge: Sorry, I don’t know any Earl. Earl: I’m right here!!!! Phoebe: Earl! I’m Phoebe. Earl: Phoebe? The lady who sells toner? Phoebe: Umm, look it, you-you can’t kill yourself. Earl: Look, um I really appreciate your coming down… Phoebe: No-no I can’t! I can’t let you do it! Earl: Why?! Phoebe: Because it was fate that made me call you today! Earl: I thought it was toner. Phoebe: No! Think about it okay? This isn’t even my regular job! Okay? And my first day on the job, you’re my first call! And-and somebody else might’ve hung up on you, but I wouldn’t do that because I know about this stuff. My mom killed herself. Earl: Really?! Phoebe: Yes. Earl: How? Phoebe: I’m not gonna give you tips! Look don’t you see that this-this…this all came together so that I could stop you from doing this. Earl: Couldn’t it just be a coincidence? Phoebe: No, it’s fate! Earl: It doesn’t really seem like enough to be fate. Phoebe: Oh. Well umm, okay here’s a weird thing. My mother was also a supply manager. Earl: I’m actually the office manager. Phoebe: Oh my God! So was she! And! Get this, okay? Your-your name is Earl, right? Her name was Pearl, P-Earl. Earl: Well, was there anything else?! Phoebe: Sure! Umm, where are you from? Earl: Philadelphia. Phoebe: Oh my God! So was she! Oh, I’ve got-I’ve got goose bumps. Earl: Really? Phoebe: Well, y’know I’m wearing layers and it’s warm. Earl: Yeah-yeah. Phoebe: But if—no look, okay. These jerks might not care about you, but the universe does! And that says a lot! Earl: I really wished they’d care just a little bit though. Phoebe: Y’know, I don’t-I don’t think it’s you. This is a freaky place. Oh no, it’s you. Earl: Yeah. Monica: Oh, this terrible! Everything is destroyed! Look at this. What do you think this is? Ross: All right. I think it was a mouse. Mr. Geller: How are you honey? Monica: How do you think I am?! You’ve wrecked all my childhood memories. You love Ross more than me. And I just rubbed a dead mouse on my face! Mr. Geller: Sweetheart, we love you just as much as Ross! Now, I’m sorry about everything that happened and I’d probably never be able to make it up to you, but here’s a start. Monica: What’s this? Mr. Geller: It’s the key to my Porsche. Well, the key to your Porsche. Monica: What?! Ross: What?!!! Mr. Geller: I’ve been thinking about getting rid of it. I was driving it the other day and saw my reflection in a store window. Your mother’s right, I do look like an ass. Monica: Wait, you’re giving me your Porsche, you’re kidding me right?! Ross: Well w-w-w-w-wait, w-wait, wait, wait a minute! I mean a couple of stupid boxes get wet and she gets a Porsche?! Mr. Geller: Why don’t we take it for a spin? Monica: All right! Ross: Well, what about me?! I’m a medical marvel!! Ending Credits Joey: Oh yeah. Rachel: Ahhhh…. Joey: Ahhh…… Eh? Rachel: Uh-huh. Monica: Hey guys! Rachel: Hey! Joey: Hey! Monica: Do you guys know what happened to Chandler’s barca lounger? Rachel: Oh yeah, Joey broke it. Had to get rid of it. Monica: Are you kidding?! I get a Porsche and the barca lounger’s gone?! This is the best day ever! End Teleplay by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer Story by: Vanessa McCarthy Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Ross: Happy birthday!!! Monica: Happy birthday!!! All: Rach! Come on! Rach! Monica: It’s your birthday! Tag: Hey. Chandler: She’s not as pretty as she was when she was 29. Tag: Ms. Green would like to establish some ground rules before she comes out. She would appreciate it if you don’t use the words old or downhill or Joey: They do! Phoebe: Rachel! Come on out! Monica made breakfast! Monica: Chocolate-chip pancakes! Ross: We’ve got presents! Rachel: Good ones? Monica: They all came from the list you handed out to us two weeks ago. Rachel: Well, can I keep the presents and still be 29? Joey: Come on Rach! Look, turning thirty is not that big a deal. Ross: Oh really. Is that how you felt when you turned thirty? Joey: Rachel: Y’know, I’m still 29 in Guam. Ross: Hey, 30 is not that old! Do you know how old the Earth is? Rachel: Late thirties? Oh come on you guys! Is it just me? Am I overreacting to this? Chandler: No Rach, it’s not just you. My thirtieth birthday certainly wasn’t that much fun. Joey: Opening Credits Monica: Rach, you’re in a great place in your life. Come on, you’ve got a great job! Good friends… Joey: Yeah, you’re roommate is a soap opera star. Rachel: Look, y’know I know my life’s going pretty well, but I look around and I just see so many people who’ve accomplished so many other goals by the time they’re thirty. Phoebe: Yeah, but you shouldn’t compare yourself to me. All: Come on Phoebe! You can do it Phoebe! Come on! Rachel: There you go! Phoebe: I did it! One mile on a hippity-hop! That’s it!! That’s everything I wanted to do before I was thirty. Oh, except I wanted to patch things up with my sister. But oh well. Yay!! Rachel: Thirty. Ugh, I mean thirty! Monica, do you remember mean, old Mrs. Kreeger in the fifth grade? She was thirty! Tag: Come on, let’s have some fun. Huh? What do you want to do today? Rachel: Nothing. I don’t want to do anything. Monica: Well, doing nothing on your thirtieth is better than doing something stupid, like Ross. Ross: Hey! That was a practical purchase! I needed that car for transportation! Okay? I-I have a child! Ross: How hot do I look in this, huh?! Chandler: Ross, a sports car? Wouldn’t it have been cheaper to just stuff a sock down there? Ross: That’s not what this is about okay? I-I am a sports car enthusiast. I have always been into cars. Joey: Hey, what’s the horsepower on this thing? Ross: I don’t know, but-but look how shiny! Monica: I can’t believe you bought this. Rachel: Really! God Ross, what were you thinking? I know it’s really shallow, but a part of me wants him again. Phoebe: Oh, well get in line missy. So, can I have a ride stud? Ross: Hop in. Get ready for the smoothest ride of your life. Ross: Damnit! Phoebe: Okay, who’s next? Rachel: Y’know what? I am going to do something today. I’m not just gonna sit around like some old lady. I’m gonna get something pierced. Like my uh, like my nose or my tongue or something. Phoebe: Really?! ‘Cause y’know that hurts. Rachel: So what?! Y’know what? The way I see it——Ow! Son of a bitch!! Tag: Look Rachel, I know what you’re going through. I’m totally freaked about turning 25. Rachel: Get out, get out of my apartment. Monica: All right Rach, for what it’s worth, I think that you’re doing great. I mean y’know let’s face it, no one handles this well. Phoebe: Least of all you. Tag: Why? What you’d do? Monica: Weren’t you asked to leave sonny? Chandler: Would you put that back on?! Monica’s gonna be here any minute! Joey: But it hurt’s my Joey’s Apple. Chandler: Okay, for the last time. It’s not named for each individual man. Mrs. Geller: You’ve done a wonderful job with this party Chandler. Everything looks so lovely. Chandler: Oh well, not as lovely as you. I mean, I can’t believe that you would have a thirty-year-old daughter! Mr. Geller: It’s older than that. Ross was actually conceived right near this tuxedo. Chandler: Ohh! Rachel: Hey! Everybody hide! Hide! I saw her! She’s coming! Chandler: Okay! Okay! Everybody down! Everybody down! Mr. Geller: Crap. Chandler: Okay, everybody stay here. I will find out what’s going on. Monica: Heyyy!! You got the door open!! Chandler: Hey-hey are you drunk? Monica: Nooo! I wanna puke on you later! Chandler: Okay, here is the thing. We have thrown a very formal surprise party for you in there! All of your friends are in there and your parents! Monica: Noo!!! Chandler: Yes! Monica: Noo!! Chandler: Yes!! Monica: Oh no! My parents have never seen me drunk! That they know of. Chandler: Okay, here’s the thing. We’re gonna get you some coffee and they will never know that you’re drunk. Monica: Really?! You promise? Chandler: Yeah, I’ll take care of it. Monica: Okay. I love you so much. Chandler: Okay we have to do something about your breath. Monica: What about your breath?! Chandler: That’s still yours. Okay, now remember it’s a surprise party. So, when you go in, act surprised. Monica: Okay. I can do that. Chandler: Okay. All: Surprise!!! Commercial Break Ross: Okay, forward. Forward—Stop! Okay, forward—Stop! Stop! Stop! Monica: Ross, just forget about it. This guy’s got you totally wedged in. Woman: Is this yours? Joey: Well actually… Ross: No-no-no! It’s mine! It’s-it’s mine. Joey: Dude, you soooo need this car. Phoebe: Phoebe: Happy thirtieth birthday! Here! It’s for the child in you, and the woman. Happy thirtieth! Ursula: Right, why do you keep saying that? Phoebe: Because it’s our thirtieth birthday. Ursula: Yeah, no we’re not thirty. We’re 31. Okay. Phoebe: Wait! Ursula: Oh, it’s you. Phoebe: Yeah. What?! Ursula: Yeah, we’re not thirty, we’re 31. Phoebe: Nu-uh! Ursula: Yea-huh! That’s what is says on my birth certificate. Phoebe: You have your birth certificate? Ursula: Yeah, I got a big box of family stuff when my mom died. Phoebe: Our mom. Ursula: Phoebe: Do you have my birth certificate? Ursula: No, I sold it to a Swedish runaway. Phoebe: Oh my God! Oh my God, we are 31. Ursula: Yeah. Phoebe: I just lost a whole year of my life. Ursula: Okay. Phoebe: Your middle name is Pamela? Ursula: Yes. Phoebe: Well, I never knew mine. Do you remember what it is? Ursula: Yes! Phoebe. Phoebe: That’s my first name. Ursula: Right, okay, then no. Chandler: Okay before we start the celebration, Monica has to go put on her party dress. Monica: Yay! Chandler: See? Mr. Geller: Happy birthday, sweetie! Give us a hug! Mrs. Geller: Don’t get up Jack! The safety pins are about to blow. Monica: Paul! Chandler: Phil. Monica: Phil! Chandler: Now, there is a dress laid out on your bed. you’re doing great. You’re doing great. You’re doing fine. Phoebe: Hey, what’s going on? Chandler: Monica’s a little drunk. Phoebe: Yay! I love drunk Monica! Monica: Awwwww… Chandler: She doesn’t want her parents to know she’s drunk. Phoebe: Ohh! All right! All right. Here’s what we’ll do, I’ll get twice as drunk as Monica and then no one’s will even notice her. Rachel: What’s-what’s going on? Phil’s really pissed! Chandler: Monica’s wasted. Ross: Maybe that will liven up this party. Chandler: Okay, will you just go help her change please! Rachel: Okay, but taking care of a drunk, naked woman seems like a job for Joey. Joey: Yep. Tag: This one’s from me. Rachel: Ahh! Tag: It wasn’t on your list, but hopefully you’ll think it’s really fun. Rachel: Ross: Stick to the list. Always stick to the list. Rachel: No! No-no, I love it. Thank you. Chandler: Okay, open ours next. Open ours next! Rachel: Okay. Joey: Now that you’re a couple, we don’t get two presents from you guys? Chandler: For my last birthday you gave me a hug! Okay, read the card! Read the card! Rachel: Okay. That’s funny, yeah! Chandler: No-no-no-no! That was the joke! Rachel: No, I know! I get it! It’s funny! Chandler: No, because you’re not a grandmother! Rachel: No I know, because to be a grandmother you have to be married and have children and I don’t have any of those things. That’s why it’s so funny. Monica: All you had to do was buy the card! Ross: Hey! Look who’s back! It’s the birthday girl! How’s the birthday girl feeling? Rachel: Well, I feel fine, but I think you’re bumming out the rest of the kids. Ross: What? Rachel: Okay! Y’know what? I realized it was stupid to get upset about not having a husband and kids. All I really needed was a plan. See I wanna have three kids… Phoebe: Oh let me guess, and you wanna have them all at the same time and you wanna have them for your brother. Rachel: As I was saying… I should probably have the first of the three kids by the time I’m 35 which gives me five years. I love this plan! I wanna marry this plan! Phoebe: If you could do that, I’d marry the hippity-hop. Rachel: So, if I wanna have my kid when I’m 35, I don’t have to get pregnant until I’m 34. Which gives Prada four years to start making maternity clothes! Oh wait, but I do want to be married for a year before I get pregnant… Monica: Really! That long?! Look all you want, it’s happening! Rachel: No, so I don’t have to get married until I’m 33! That’s three years, that’s three whole years—Oh, wait a minute though. I’ll need a year and a half to plan the wedding, and I’d like to know the guy for a year, year and a half before we get engaged… Which means I need to meet the guy by the time I’m thirty. Ross: Which is fine! Because you just turned——twenty-eight! Rachel: No! Ross, no! It is not fine! Eh-eh-according to my plan I should already be with the guy I wanna marry! Joey: Will you quit hoggin’ it! Commercial Break Rachel: I’m telling you it’s like watching Bambi learn how to walk. Ross: You’re drunk! Mom and dad are gonna be maaaaadd! Maybe I’m a little drunk. Chandler: There we go. Joey: Did I not tell ya to come straight to me when more crab cakes were ready? Chandler: How are you feeling? Monica: You are so handsome! I wanna make love to you right here, right now! Ross: I really wish that you wouldn’t. Chandler: Now all you have to do is just get through a little bit more, okay? Then we can put you in bed, okay? Just smile and don’t talk to anyone. Phoebe: Speech! Speech! Let’s hear from the birthday girl! Huh? Chandler: Pheebs!! Phoebe: Don’t you see? Everyone’s looking at me! The plan’s working! I didn’t even have to take off my top yet! Mrs. Geller: Speech! Come on Monica! Ross: Come on! All: Come on! Speech! Mr. Geller: Hey Chandler, you can’t keep your hands off her for one second! Mrs. Geller: Oh-ho, I think it’s nice. Chandler: I think it’s necessary. Monica: I-I-I wanna thank you all for coming. My family and my friends… Phoebe: Wooo!! Hoo!! Monica: I really like to say that I’m-um… Phoebe: Joey: Yeah!! Phoebe: I lost a whole year! I can’t believe it! This is so unfair! Joey: Oh, I don’t know Pheebs. It’ll be okay. Phoebe: Will it? Will it?! I mean, how would you feel if you found out you were 31? Joey: That’s not gonna happen. No. Because we have a new deal! Phoebe: Plus, it totally ruined my schedule! I…I haven’t done any of the things I wanted to do by the time I was 31! Joey: Like what? Phoebe: Like okay I-I-I, I haven’t met any Portuguese people! I, I haven’t had the perfect kiss! And I haven’t been to sniper’s school! Monica: Phoebe, y’know why don’t we just go upstairs and have some birthday cake? Phoebe: No, I just feel like being by myself for a while. All right? I’ll see you guys later. Thanks. Rachel: Hey. Oh, poor Pheebs. Joey: Hey, y’know what you guys? I think I’m gonna go walk her home. Monica: Oh man! Chandler: What? Monica: He’s gonna eat the cake! Joey: Pheebs! Wait up! Maybe that’s one thing you can cross off your list. Phoebe: Oh yeah. Joey: Oh, and plus I’m 1/16th Portuguese. Phoebe: Oh! Ross: Okay, is everybody clear? We’re gonna pick it up…and move it. Now all we need is teamwork, okay? We’re gonna lift the car…and slide it out. Lift and slide! Rachel: Ross, I really don’t think… Ross: Lift!! And slide! Chandler: Okay, here we go. Ross: All right everyone, lift! Rachel: Hey Joey, can I… Joey: Oh, come on Rach! My turn just started! Rachel: Actually, I just wanna talk to Tag. Joey: Oh. Okay. Hey, can I ride this outside? Rachel: Whatever! Okay, I’m not your mother. Joey: Okay! Rachel: Not in the street!! Joey: Yes! Rachel: Hi. Tag: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Tag: How are you doing? Are you feeling any better? Rachel: Yeah, I’m doing okay. I’m um…let’s talk. Tag: Okay. Rachel: Umm… Tag: What’s up? Rachel: Ohh Tag, umm…you’re such a great guy and we have sooo much fun together but I don’t-I don’t… Tag: Wait! I think I see where you’re going, but before you say anything else, can I just say one more thing? Rachel: Well said. And a uh good example of the fun I was referring to uhh, but I just think I’m past the point where I think I can y’know, just have fun. Tag: Rachel, don’t do this. This is just because you’re turning thirty. Rachel: Yeah, it is! But you’re just a kid! I mean you’re 25! Tag: Twenty-four actually. Rachel: Oh God! Y’know what I wish? I wish you were six years older. Well actually, if I’m wishin’ for stuff, I actually wish I was six years younger. Tag: Me too. Rachel: Yeah, I’m sorry. Chandler: Hey! How’d it go? Rachel: Oh, if I only want two kids, can I keep him for another year? Phoebe: You did the right thing. Joey: Chandler: Well, here we are, just a bunch of thirty year olds. Ross: God, do you realize in ten years we’re gonna be 40? Joey: Ross: Yes! My baby’s finally free! Joey: All-all right! Start it up! Let’s go! Ross: Woohoo! The Man In The Sportscar: How hot are we? Ross: You wanna buy a car? Joey: No. Ending Credits {Transcriber’s Note: There was no credits scene with this episode.} End Teleplay by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Story by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Monica: I’m glad you’re here, we have a couple of things to ask you about the wedding ceremony. Rachel: Ohh… Ross: What’s the matter? You okay? Rachel: Yeah, it’s just y’know… Chandler: Monica said wedding. Monica: Uh, so anyway, we thought one of you could read something during the ceremony. Rachel: Oh! I would love to read a poem. Chandler: Do you think you could get through a poem? Rachel: It’ll be a short one. Monica: Okay, so Ross will be doing the reading. Rachel: Ohhh… Ross: Okay. Yeah, I guess, I guess I could do that too. Chandler: Too? Ross: Yeah, I kind of uh, have something else planned for you guys. Monica: Do you mind telling us what it is? Ross: Sorry, I’m kinda keeping this one on the Q.T. Chandler: Well, whatever it is, I hope it involves winking. Joey: Hey! All: Hey! Joey: So I just talked to one of the DOOL writers today, and… Monica: What is DOOL? Joey: Days Of Our Lives. Anyway, you’re not gonna believe it! My character is coming out of his coma!! All: Oh!! Chandler: That’s great! Joey: And-and-and not only that, I’m gettin’ a new brain!! Chandler: So great things are happening at work and in your personal life! Rachel: Wait, what do you mean you’re getting a new brain? Joey: Oh well, they’re killing off one of the characters on the show, and when she dies her brain is being transplanted into my body. Ross: What? A brain transplant?! Joey: Yes, it’s a highly controversial procedure. Ross: It’s ridiculous! Joey: Well, I think it’s ridiculous that you haven’t had sex in three and a half months. Ross: Monica: Who are they killing off? Joey: Uh Cecilia Monroe, she plays Jessica Lockhart. Rachel and Monica: Noo!! Monica: She’s my favorite character on DOOL. Joey: Nice. Rachel: She is so good at throwing drinks in people’s faces, I mean I don’t think I’ve ever seen her finish a beverage. Monica: And the way she slaps all the time! Rachel: Oh! Monica: Wouldn’t you love to do it just once?! Chandler: Don’t do it. Rachel: Cecilia Monroe man, what a great actress. Joey: Oh, tell me about it. And she’s been on the show forever, it’s gonna be really hard to fill her shoes. Ross: Yeah-yeah, help me out here, when you come out of the "brain transplant," you are going to be her? Joey: Yes, but in Drake Remoray’s body. Why is this so hard for you to get? I thought you were a scientist! Opening Credits Phoebe: Rach, so, that guy there. Straight or gay? Rachel: Well, I'd have to say gay. Phoebe: Yeah? Why? Rachel: Well mainly because he's kissing that other guy. Phoebe: Oh no not that guy there. That guy right there. Rachel: Oh yeah he's too cute to be straight. Phoebe: Rachel: All right, straight, and not subtle. Phoebe: Ohh, he left his cell phone. Rachel: Oh, well, we can hand it to Gunther and he'll put it in lost and found. Phoebe: Or we could use it to call China. See how those guys are doing. Rachel: What if, um, if he calls his own cell phone to find out who found it and I answer and we start talking and we fell in love. I mean wouldn't that be a great story? Kind of like a fairy tale for the digital age. Phoebe: Yeah… That does sound great. I'm going to get the phone. Rachel: What? Wait! Why…why do you get the story? Phoebe: I don't know. I haven't been out on a date in so long. Rachel: Phoebe, you had a date three days ago. Phoebe: That wasn’t a date! That was, that was just friends getting together… having sex. Rachel: Okay. Okay, see? I get the phone. Phoebe: No way! No way! You just broke with Tag a week ago. Rachel: Yeah! And until now, I didn’t think I’d love again. Phoebe: Nice try. Rachel: Oh hey-hey wait! How do we fairly decide who gets the phone? Phoebe: I don’t know. Rachel: Well umm, maybe we could uhh… Ah-ha! Too slow!! Phoebe: Ah-ha! Too cocky! Dina: I’m going to keep dating him Mother, and there’s nothing you can do about it! Jessica Lockhart: Oh yes there is! Dina: What are you going to do? Kill him? Like you did with Charles?! Jessica Lockhart: That was an accident! And so were you. Dina: Well, at least I’m not a murderer! Jessica Lockhart: The Director: Cut! Joey: That was a great scene! And-and-and that slap looks so real! How do you do that? Cecilia: Oh, just years of experience. Dina: Can I get some ice here?! Joey: Oh anyway, I just wanted to say how wonderful I think you are. Cecilia: You’re not the fan who’s dying are you? Joey: Say what? Cecilia: I’m supposed to meet and hug a fan whose dying, but that’s not supposed to be until later! Joey: No. No, I’m Joey Tribbiani; we did a scene together yesterday. I-I’m the guy in the coma! Cecilia: Oh that was a real person?! Joey: An-an-anyway I-I just wanted to say that since I’m getting your brain when you leave the show, I was wondering if there was any tips you can give me… Cecilia: I-I-I’m leaving the show? Joey: I don’t know. Why? Did you hear something? Cecilia: Who told you that? Joey: Oh uh, one of the writers. Cecilia: Which one? Was it bald or was it tall? Joey: Umm… Cecilia: Y’know what? It doesn’t matter! Because it is not true! Joey: Okay. Cecilia: And if it were true, how dare you come to me ask me for tips about a character that I’ve been playing for 20 years—I’ll give you a tip! Joey: Ms. Monroe… Rachel: No Phoebe! You cannot get the phone that way; that’s not fair! Okay look, I have an idea. Why don’t we, why don’t we see what kind of number he has on his speed dial, and then from that we can tell who has more in common with him. And then whoever does gets the phone. Phoebe: Or, we can decide by whose ever name is closer to the word phone. Rachel: I don’t think so. Phoebe: Fine all right, but I’d bet you’d be singing another tune if we were fighting over a ratchet. Rachel: All right, first name on the speed dial is mom. Phoebe: Ohh, I lost my mom to suicide. Rachel: Okay no way, you cannot use that to get the cute guy and the last blueberry muffin. Phoebe: Did I use that already today? I’m sorry. Rachel: Yes okay. Joe. Carlos. Peter. Ooh! Peter Luger! T hat’s a steak house! Phoebe: Okay, a meat eater. Fine, that’s one for you. Rachel: Oh, I win! He’s got Barney’s on his speed dial. Phoebe: So you don’t know that’s Barney’s the store! That can be y’know his friend’s house, or a bar. Who has Barney’s the store on their speed dial? Rachel: His new girlfriend! Monica: What is that? Chandler: I think it’s the dying cat parade. Monica: It sounds like it’s coming from across the street. Chandler: Oh my God! Monica: What? Chandler: Y’know that thing that Ross was gonna do at our wedding?! He was hanging out with me yesterday and he turned to me and said, "You’re half Scottish right?" Monica: Nooo!! Chandler: Yes!! Commercial Break Monica: No, there is no way! It can not be Ross! Unbelievable! Why is your family Scottish?! Chandler: Why is your family Ross?! Monica: He cannot play at our wedding! I mean everyone will leave! I mean come on, that is just noise! It’s not even a song! Chandler: If you listen very carefully, I think its Celebration by Cool and the Gang. Rachel: Hi Pheebs! Phoebe: Hi! Rachel: How are ya? Phoebe: Good. Rachel: Umm Pheebs, remember when we were in the coffee house we decided that I was going to keep the uh, the cute guy’s cell phone? Phoebe: Yeah. Rachel: And remember how I said I was going to keep it in my purse so that if it rang I could just pick it up? Phoebe: Yeah! Rachel: And do you remember going into my purse and stealing the phone?! Phoebe: Ooh, now you lost me. Rachel: You stole the phone! Phoebe: No I didn’t! Rachel: No? So you’re saying that if I called it, it wouldn’t ring? Phoebe: No. Rachel: Umm, okay. But while you dial, let me show you the features of my new ringing handbag. Rachel: Phoebe! Phoebe: That is a different phone. Rachel: Oh is it?! It’s for me! Phoebe: That is damning evidence. Rachel: Oh my God! I bet that’s him. My digital fairy tale is about to begin. I wonder how I should be? Should I be uh Would you stop doing that?! Phoebe: Yes, I’m the one who found your phone. Rachel: Phoebe! You can’t do th… Phoebe: Rachel: You do know that I will be here when he comes over. Phoebe: Oh? And how will you know what time to come over? Rachel: You just said it! Phoebe: Oh. Okay, well I-I was kinda hoping that I would just…be alone y’know to think about my mom and her suicide. Rachel: Oh Phoebe! Phoebe: What?! That’s the first time today! Rachel: Ohh! Joey: So you like the nachos uh? Myself I’m partial to… Dina: I’m 16. Joey: See you in 2003. Cecilia: You’re absolutely right they are writing me out of the show. They don’t know exactly when it’s going to happen, but apparently going to be very soon and that’s it. Joey: I’m so sorry. Look, if it was up to me you would never leave the show. Cecilia: Yeah, thanks. Joey: No I mean it! I can’t believe they would do this to you! And to your fans! I mean they are going to be devastated! Heart broken! They love you so much! Cecilia: Oh you’re right. Thank you! What’s your name again? Joey: Joey. Cecilia: Joey, well thank you. That is so sweet. Oh, excuse me. The Writer: It wasn’t my decision! Cecilia: You were saying? Joey: Uh yeah-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye—l-l-l-l-l-look the-the-the only reason that I, that I came up to you before was because well, I’m really nervous about-about being you. Y’know if you can help me capture the essence of the character. Y’know? Help me keep Jessica alive. Please? Cecilia: All right Joey, I will help you. Not because I-I owe it to this stupid show, but because I owe it to Jessica. Joey: Oh that’s great! Oh thank you so much! Cecilia: You’re so welcome. Joey: Hey! Now, I’ve been watching some tapes, how’s this? "Jessica Lockhart will never step foot in this place again! Ever!!" Cecilia: Is that supposed to be me? Joey: Yeah. Cecilia: Yeah but Jessica doesn’t have an English accent. Joey: I can do an English accent?! That baby’s going on my resume! Chandler: Well, I feel like a snack! Monica: Do you want some shortbread? Eh that’s Scottish like you are. Chandler: Oh no thanks. I don’t like any thing from my Scottish heritage. Ross: What?! Chandler: Well it’s just my entire family was run out of Scotland by…Vikings. Anyway, lots of bad memories. Ross: Oh well, it sounds to me like your family is ready to uh, rediscover its Scottish roots. Monica: No! No-no they’re not. They’re still very angry! But y’know Chandler is also half-Swedish. You know what the Swedish people are famous for? Sitting down and being quiet. Ross: Well yeah-yeah the Scottish history is so much more… Monica: You can not play bagpipes at the wedding!! Ross: How did you know about that?! Chandler: We heard you play all the way from your apartment! Ross: Were you the ones called the cops?! Chandler: That’s not really important right now. What is important is; while we appreciate the gesture, we just don’t feel bagpipes are appropriate for our wedding. Ross: Why not? Chandler: Because we hate them. Ross: Come on that’s not fair! I mean you haven’t even heard me play! Chandler: We have heard you play. Ross: No, you’ve heard my practice. Okay? Just-just give me a chance to perform for you and then decide whatever you want. And I’m not going to tell you what song I’m gonna play either. But uh, let’s just say when it’s over I’ll bet there will be a we bit o’ celebration. Cecilia: So, the essence of the character is rooted in her confidence. So, when Jessica enters a room for instance, she owns everything and every person in that room. You try. Joey: Okay! All right! Cecilia: No, he already knows that he owns everything in the room! He’s not finding it out for the first time! So, try it again. Joey: Okay. Okay. Cecilia: Right. He’s not angry at the room either. Try it again, he owns it! He owns the room. It is his. He owns, owns, owns, owns the room! He owns it!! Oh well, I’m gonna miss this woman so much. I don’t know what I’m going to do! I mean, it’s been 20 years of my life. Joey: Oh well—Hey-hey! Maybe, maybe uh, maybe this is a good thing. Y’know? It’ll-it’ll give you a chance to shake things up, play different characters. You’re so talented. Cecilia: I am. I am, but I don’t know you know. An actor of a certain age is not that easy. Joey: Hey that’s not true! Look at uh, look at Angela Lansb—Angelina Jolie! Cecilia: I probably should’ve just left years ago when the offers were pouring in, but y’know I just got so comfy here! And… Ohh, I turned down some amazing work! Joey: Like-like what? Cecilia: Well, let’s just say if I left 15 years ago, the landscape of Mexican cinema would be very different today! Joey: Wow! Cecilia: But… Well now, now’s a different time for me. Joey: Oh hey come on, don’t-don’t-don’t do this! Umm, look let-let me tell you something, okay? Now when I watch you do a scene, I’m thinking, "Boy, she-she is a great actress!" Uh but-but, I am also thinking, "She is hot!" Cecilia: You think I’m hot? Joey: You own the room. We should probably get-get uh… Cecilia: Oh yeah-yeah, we should get the… Joey: Yeah-yeah, I noticed that! Is that ‘cause she’s so passionate? Cecilia: No! It’s because that way the camera only sees her! Do you wanna try it? Joey: Yeah! Okay. Cecilia: That was good, that was really good. But I-I think your hands maybe a little off, they should be maybe right like… Commercial Break Rachel: Hey! Hey! Phoebe and Rachel: Who is it? Guy: Hi! It’s Tom, I’m here to pick up the phone. Phoebe: Whoa! Why do you get to answer the door? Rachel: Well why shouldn’t I?! Phoebe: Because it’s my apartment! Rachel: Well, then I get to give him the cell phone. Phoebe: Okay. All right. Good luck explaining all the calls to China. Tom: Hi! Phoebe: Wow! How long were we arguing for? Rachel: You’re not the man who left the cell phone. Tom: No that’s my assistant. Rachel: Is-is he coming? Tom: Umm, no. Phoebe: Could you-could you umm, give us one second? Tom: Sure! Rachel: We’ll be right back sir. Tom: Sure. Phoebe: Wh-what do we do? Rachel: I don’t know! Phoebe: Can you believe this? We were waiting for a hot guy and then an even hotter one shows up! Rachel: I know! What?! Phoebe: Hmm, they just don’t make ‘em like that anymore! Rachel: No-no they do but, you just have to wait. Phoebe: Rachel, listen—I mean, if you let me have him then I will really owe you one. Rachel: All right. All right Phoebe I will let you have him, but you owe me; you owe me big! Phoebe: Yeah! You’re such a great friend! Rachel: Ohh… Tom: So, which one of you lovely ladies am I going to take to dinner huh? Phoebe: Oh that’d be me. Sir. After you. Tom: Okay. Okay. Phoebe: Nice! Cecilia: Well, you certainly own that room. Joey: Actually I rent the whole place and, I just got what you meant. Thank you. Rachel: Hi. Joey: Hey! Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God!! Ohh, Jessica Lockhart!! In my apartment!! I am such a huge fan! I am such a huge fan! Cecilia: Well, it’s nice to know that you… Rachel: Joey: That uh, that is my roommate Rachel. Cecilia: Oh that explains all the women’s underwear. Joey: Sure. Yep. Monica: Oh my God! It’s true!! Oh my God you are so amazing! Oh my God, can I just ask you to do me oh, just one favor? Cecilia: Certainly. Monica: Would you slap me? Would you slap me right here in the face?! Cecilia: I’d love to, but my lawyer said I can’t do that anymore. Rachel: God. You seem really, really nice. Joey: Okay, bye-bye. Rachel: I mean n-not-not fake at all like most famous people. Joey: All right, here we go. Rachel: Okay. Monica: Umm, you’re a stupid bitch. Cecilia: I really can’t slap you. Rachel: You are so beautiful. Monica: Nice to meet you! My God you’re great! Joey: Thanks for stopping by. See ya! I-I am so sorry. I… Cecilia: Oh no-no-no-no, being adored. I’m used to it, don’t worry about it. Joey: Oh my God! Cecilia: What? Joey: They sent me today’s script! They never send the script! Cecilia: They don’t? Joey: Well no, I’m just in a coma. This must mean I have lines! Oh… Cecilia: How does it happen? Joey: Ew, you get thrown from a horse into an electric fence. Cecilia: Ah what?! Jessica hates horses! Joey: Yeah well, I’m guessing after this she’s not going to be crazy about electricity either. Ross: …now remember you have to imagine me in a kilt. Rachel: I can imagine you in a short plaid skirt and knee socks. Ross: Do you wanna start telling secrets? Rachel: No! Ross: Now umm, remember I’m still learning. Ross: One, two, three, four! Ross: You know the song! Sing along! Ross: So? Monica and Chandler: No! Dina: Loosening the saddle on mother’s horse was brilliant Fredrick. And the electric fence, inspired. Fredrick: Thank you sweetheart. Dina: I can’t believe she’s really gone. Look around you, all of this is ours. Joey: I don’t think so. Dina: Who are you?! Jessica Lockhart: What’s the matter Dina? Don’t you recognize your own mother?! The Director: Cut! That was great everybody! Thank you! Cecilia: Ohh, I think that you’re a better Jessica than I ever was! Joey: Oh noo… Cecilia: Well of course not, but you were very good. Joey: Thanks! Cecilia: And guess what? Good news! I got another job! Joey: Great! Hey! All right! Well-well what is it?! Cecilia: A film in Guadalajara! Joey: The airport? Cecilia: No that’s La Guardia. This is Mexico. Joey: Ohh. Wow! Well how-how, how will you be gone? Cecilia: Eight months. Joey: That’s a really long time. Cecilia: Yeah, but you can come and visit me. I bet that you could uh, own a few places down there. Joey: Well I tell ya, I should probably buy a place in the city first. And I just got what you meant again—That is—I tell ya, that is a tricky one! Cecilia: That is a tricky one. Well, Joey I really wanna thank you. You’ve, well you made a very difficult time for me a little less painful. Joey: Good luck. Cecilia: You too. Ending Credits Ross: You know the song! Sing along! Phoebe: Eeee!!! Eee!! Eee!! Matthew Perry: Eee!! Lisa Kudrow: Do it again! End Teleplay by: Zachary Rosenblatt Story by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones Directed by: David Schwimmer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Ross: Hi. Rachel: Hi! Hi Ben! Ben: Hi. Ross: Hi, we have a little bathroom emergency. Rachel: Oh, yeah go ahead. Ross: Uh, before we do uh, are any of Joey’s special romance magazines in there? Rachel: No. No. Ross: Okay! All clear! Ben: Thanks Phoebe! Rachel: Ben, its Rachel! But whatever. Ross: Everything okay in there? Ben: Don’t talk to me now! Rachel: Awww, just like his daddy. Ross: Hey listen can you do me a big favor? The dean’s office just called and said there was an urgent meeting. Can you watch Ben for like an hour? Rachel: What-what about Monica? Ross: Oh, she isn’t home. Rachel: So it would just be, me alone? Ross: Well, Ben would be there. Rachel: Huh umm… Ross: What’s the matter? Rachel: Well that—y’know it’s just uh, I’ve never done that before. Me and him alone. Ross: Rach, he’s not an ex-con. Rachel: Okay. Okay. Okay. Uh, what do I, what do I do with him? Ross: I don’t know! Just-just talk to him-entertain him and keep him alive. Rachel: Okay. Ross: Okay. Ben? Come here. All right, I’m gonna leave you here with Aunt Rachel for about an hour. Okay? Are you gonna be okay? Rachel: Yeah I think so. Ross: I wasn’t talking to you. Ben: I’ll be okay. Ross: Okay, I’ll see you soon buddy. Be back in an hour. Ben: Bye dad. Rachel: Bye. So this is fun, huh? Ben: Not really. Rachel: Okay. Uh, want something-want something to drink? Ben: Okay. Rachel: Uh great! How do you feel about Diet Coke? Ben: I’m not allowed to have soda. Rachel: Okay. Well that’s pretty much all that we have—Oh! Oh! Have you ever had a virgin margarita? Ben: What’s a virgin? Rachel: Water it is. Opening Credits Monica: What about the second minister we meet with? I kinda liked him. Chandler: You mean the spitter? Monica: Come on! It wasn’t that bad! Chandler: Easy for you to say; you’ll be wearing a veil. Monica: All right, what about the third guy? Chandler: You mean the guy who kept staring at your chest? Monica: Can you blame him? Chandler: Sorry, I just don’t like the idea of when I say, "I do," he’s thinking, "Yeah, I’d do her too!" Monica: Well then we still have a problem. Chandler: Yeah! Phoebe: With what? Monica: Well, we’re trying to find someone to perform our wedding and they’re all either boring or annoying or y’know, can’t stop staring at the ladies. Phoebe: Oo! You should have one of us do it! Monica: Phoebe, we’re getting married, married; not sixth grade married. Phoebe: No! No! It’s-it’s uh a real thing! Anyone can get ordained on the Internet and perform like weddings and stuff! Monica: Are you serious? Phoebe: Yes! A friend of mine did it and it’s totally legal! Joey: I call it!! Phoebe: What?! No! It was my idea! Chandler: Guys thank you very much but neither of you is marrying us. Joey: Does calling it not mean anything anymore?! Chandler: We are going to have a legitimate member of the clergy! And when I say legitimate I mean, gay and in control of his saliva! Rachel: Ben y’know when uh, when you were a baby, you and I used to hang out all the time. ‘Cause I was, I was your daddy’s girlfriend. Ben: But you’re not anymore! Rachel: No, I’m not. Ben: ‘Cause you guys were on a break. Rachel: Hey! We were not on a—Okay. That’s fine! Fine. Y’know what Ben? One day when you are a lot older I am going to tell you that entire story over a pitcher of real margaritas, okay? Ben: When’s my daddy coming back? Rachel: So no-no brothers and sisters, huh? That must be nice. You don’t have to share stuff. Ben: Sharing is good. Rachel: Oh, you’re one of those. But y’know what? I have two sisters of my own and we just-just tortured each other. Ben: Really? Like how? Rachel: Well y’know, we would umm, repeat everything the other said, or uh, we’d jump out of closets to scare each other, or switch the sugar for the salt so they’d put salt on their cereal. Ben: That’s a good one. Rachel: Yeah? You like that one? Ben: Yeah, you’re funny. Rachel: I’m funny? Oh thank God! Well hey, I’ve got a ton of these! Umm, oh hear—Do you want a good one? Here’s a good one. Umm, you uh, you take a quarter, take a quarter and, and you blacken the edge. Right? And then you say to person, I bet you can’t roll this quarter from your forehead to your chin without it leaving your face. And then when they do it, they’re left with a big black pencil line right down the center of their face. Ben: Can I do it to you? Rachel: Yeah, I-I-I-I’m funny Ben, but I’m not stupid. Okay? Joey: So, did you uh, find anyone to marry you guys yet? Chandler: No, but Horny for Monica Minister called, wanting to know if we were still together. Monica: We’re never gonna find anybody. Joey: Well then let me do it! Chandler: Joe… Joey: No-no-no! Look, I’ve been thinking about it. I’m an actor right? So I won’t get nervous talking in front of people. Monica: Joey look it’s really sweet… Joey: No-no-no-no look no! I won’t spit, and I won’t stare at Monica’s breasts! Y’know? Everyone knows I’m an ass man! Monica: That is true. Joey: Yeah and the most important thing is that it won’t be some like, stranger up there who barely knows you. It’ll be me! And I swear I’ll do a really good job. Plus, y’know I love you guys and-and it would really mean a lot to me. Chandler: Y’know, we haven’t found anybody else. Monica: It might be kinda cool. Joey: So I can do it? Chandler: Yeah you can do it. Joey: All right!!! Okay!! All right! Okay-okay, I gotta get started on my speech! Oh, wait a minute, Internet ministers can still have sex right? Chandler: Yeah. Joey: Okay. Monica: Hey Pheebs, how’s it going? Phoebe: Oh, I have a headache. A horrible headache! Monica: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I get you something? Phoebe: Oh my God, you’ve got to stop chattering! Monica: Here, take a couple of these. Phoebe: What is it? Monica: It’s Hexadrin. Phoebe: Oh no, I don’t believe in Western medicine. No, if you just apply pressure to these points right here. Monica: Okay, while we’re waiting for these pills to kick in, I’m gonna sit you down on the couch. Come on. —gonna make you some tea. And then, I’m gonna rub your feet. Phoebe: Oh. Joey: Oh! My head! Oh! Oh! Rachel: Coming. Ross: I have a bone to pick with you. Rachel: Uh-oh. Ross: Yes! Ben learned a little trick. Rachel: Oh yeah? Did he pull the old… Ross: That’s right! That’s right! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat so the pee goes everywhere! Rachel: Oh that. Ross: Yeah that! You know I hate practical jokes! They’re mean and they’re stupid and-and I don’t want my son learning them! Rachel: Oh, come on! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat, you don’t think that’s just a little funny?! Ross: I was barefoot. Now tell me, the toilet thing is the only thing you taught him right? Rachel: Yes. Phoebe: It’s amazing! My headache is completely gone! What are those pills called? Monica: Hexadrin. Phoebe: Oh, I love you Hexadrin! Monica: No Phoebe, those are like the side affects and stuff. Phoebe: Say what? Monica: Y’know, the possible side affects. Phoebe: Oh my God! Dizziness, nervousness, drowsiness, facial swelling, nausea, headache—Headache. Vomiting, stomach bleeding, liver damage! Now okay, I don’t recall any of this coming up when you gave me these little death capsules! Oh I’m sorry, extra strength death capsules! Monica: Phoebe, relax none of that stuff ever happens! They just put it on there for legal reasons! Phoebe: Why? Monica: In case it happens. Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Say hello to Reverend Joey Tribbiani! Chandler: Hey! Monica: You did it! You got ordained?! Joey: Yeah, I just got off the Internet! Man, there is a lot of porn out there! Chandler: Our minister… Phoebe: I have liver damage. Ow! Oh! Monica: Phoebe, your liver is right here. Phoebe: Okay, then I must be disoriented. Joey: Anyway, I started working on what I’m going to say for the ceremony, do you wanna hear it? Chandler: Okay. Monica: Yeah! Joey: Now-now, listen this is just a first draft so… "We too can share and love and have and receive." Chandler: Should we call the spitter? Commercial Break Carol: Hey Rachel! Rachel: Hi! Carol: What a nice surprise! What are you doing here? Rachel: Well y’know I was just in the neighborhood and I passed by your building and I thought to myself, "What’s up with Carol and sweet, little Ben?" Carol: Can I ask what—Come on in. Rachel: Okay. Carol: Umm uh, I’ll make some coffee and we can uh, chat. Rachel: I’d love that. I would loooove… So uh, so where is sweet little Ben? I would love to have a little... Ben: Rachel: I found him! That is exactly why I’ve come here to talk to you okay? Carol: Rach, do you want some sugar in your coffee? Rachel: Yes oh— Okay, do you remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday? Ben: Remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday? Rachel: Don’t do that. Ben: Don’t do that. Rachel: Seriously, your dad doesn’t like pranks. Ben: Seriously, your dad doesn’t like pranks. Rachel: Oh damnit! Ben: Oh damnit! Rachel: No! Don’t say that! Don’t say that! Ben: Damnit! Rachel: No don’t! Go back to repeating! Ben: Damnit! Rachel: Oh crap! Ben: Oh crap! Phoebe: I feel like my face is swelling. Is my face swelling? Monica: Phoebe, your face is fine! Come on, none of this stuff is going to happen to you! Stop being such a baby! Phoebe: Oh, interesting you should call me that! Now that I may never have one! Joey: Okay you guys, I got a little more written. Are you ready? Chandler: Yeah. O-okay. Joey: Monica: How about receiving? Joey: Yes! Chandler: See Joe, not that that’s not grrreat! But, one of the cool things about having somebody we know perform the ceremony is that it can be about us! Y’know, it can be more personal. You can tell stories about us! Joey: Ooh, like the time you and I went to Atlantic City and I made you laugh so hard you threw up your whole steak?! Remember? Chandler: No, not us… Monica: I gotcha. Sorry. So, did you ever make him throw up a whole anything? Phoebe: Did you ever feed him a poison capsule that made him bleed from the eyes? Monica: It doesn’t say that! Phoebe: Oh! Suddenly somebody knows all about the side affects! Chandler: See Joe, we want you to tell stories but y’know, romantic stories. Nice stories. Joey: Oh. Okay. Ooh! Ooh! Okay, maybe I’ll talk about London! Y’know when you two hooked up! Only, only I won’t say hooked up. I’ll say, "Began their beautiful journey…" Monica: There you go! Joey: "…by doin’ it." Chandler: Joe? Joey: Okay. All right. Umm, so uh, so how did it happen? Did your eyes meet across the room? And then the next thing y’know you’re in the bathtub together and she’s feeding you strawberries? Chandler: Isn’t that what happened with you and the bride’s maid? Joey: Yeah!! I call that London style. Monica: No that is not what happened with us. Well, I was umm, I was really sad that night because this guy that I was Ross’s mom. Joey: Oh. Monica: And then Chandler was, was really sweet and he consoled me. And well we drank too much… Joey: Yeah baby! Chandler: And I was a perfect gentleman and I walked her to her hotel room and said goodnight. Joey: Oh. Chandler: But then later that night… Joey: Yeah baby! Chandler: Hey! Monica: Cute PJ’s! You’re really livin’ it up here in London huh? Chandler: Well I was… I was exactly expecting company after… 9:15. Monica: Is Joey here? Chandler: Well, last time I saw him he was heading out the door with the bride’s maid and a bucket of strawberries. So uh, you’re not still upset about what that guy told ya are ya? Monica: Wouldn’t you be? Chandler: Well, look it’s been a really emotional time y’know, and you’ve had a lot to drink. And you’ve just got to let that go okay? I mean you were the most beautiful in the room tonight! Monica: Really? Chandler: You kidding? You’re the most beautiful woman in most rooms… Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What’s going on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out? Monica: Well, not anymore. Chandler: But we don’t do that. Monica: I know, I just thought it would be fun. Chandler: How drunk are you? Monica: Drunk enough to know that I want to do this. Not so drunk that you should feel guilty about taking advantage. Chandler: That’s the perfect amount! Monica: Okay! Monica: Y’know what’s weird? Chandler: What? Monica: This doesn’t feel weird! Chandler: I know. Monica: You’re a really good kisser. Chandler: Well, I have kissed over four women. Do you wanna get under the covers? Monica: Hm-hmm! Chandler: Okay! Monica: Wow! You are really fast! Chandler: It bodes well for me that speed impresses you. Monica: We’re gonna see each other naked. Chandler: Yep! Monica: Do you wanna do it at the same time? Chandler: Count of three? Monica: One! Chandler: Two! Monica: Two! Monica and Chandler: Three! Chandler: Well I think it’s safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined. Monica: Eh, we weren’t that close anyway! Chandler: Eh! Chandler: Joey! Joey! Joey! J-J-Joey-Joey-J-Joey! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey Joe! I was just watching a movie-e-e… Joey: Oh, dude I’m so sorry! Chandler: No! No! No! Joey: Hey no-no-no-no! It’s cool! It’s cool! I-I’ll only be a second, I’m still with my bride’s maid, I just—Where are those condoms you brought? Chandler: They’re in my bag over there. Joey: Ah. Chandler: Uh, could you leave me one? Joey: For just you? Chandler: Yeah. Joey: Hey listen, why don’t you come downstairs with me? There’s some really nice girls down there. Chandler: No I-I-I’m fine. Joey: All right, here you go buddy. Joey: That’s what that was?! ‘Cause that other thing? I thought you were on to something, but it did nothing for me. Monica: Okay, can we change the topic? Because it’s really doing nothing for me. Joey: Oh… Can you imagine if I hadn’t left you that last one? You two might’ve never gotten together. Ooh-ooh! Could you imagine if I sent that hooker up to the room like I was gonna?! It’s like it was in the stars! Phoebe: Yeah, it’s totally meant to be. Tell him who you originally wanted to hook up with that night. Monica: What?! Chandler: What? Phoebe: What?! Chandler: Who did you originally want to hook up with? Monica: Okay, fine but please don’t be upset! Okay? I was really depressed okay? And really drunk! I just wanted something stupid and meaningless. I just wanted…just sex. So, when I…went to your room that night…I was actually looking…for Joey. Joey: Yeah baby! No baby! Commercial Break Chandler: So you came to the room looking for Joey? Did you ever in-intend on telling me about this? Monica: No because it-it didn’t seem important. Chandler: Oh, it’s not important? It’s not important?! If it wasn’t for a bride’s maid you’d be marrying him not me! Monica: Noo!! The point is that is was you that was there that night! It is you that I am marrying! It is you that I feel in love with! Joey: And it is a love that is based on having and giving and receiv— Chandler: I don’t believe it. The most romantic night of my life and I’m runner up. Monica: Chandler, please! Do you know how unbelievably glad I am that Joey was not there that night?! Joey: Hey! Now I’m a man of the cloth, but I still have feelings! Chandler: Look there is no way you’re doing this wedding now. Okay? Joey: What?! That’s not fair! It’s not my fault! I was off with my bride’s maid! And who’s to say I would’ve even said yes?! I mean I would’ve said yes. Chandler look y-y-you are making way to big a deal out of this, all right? Look, everything worked out okay! Chandler: Okay, it’s just weird! Okay? I don’t want to be standing their saying my vows and then having the mental image of you and Monica! I-I-I need…I don’t know what I need. I need a walk. Monica: Wait Chandler come on, let’s—it’s not a big deal! Chandler: It is to me. You wanted to sleep with Batman, and instead you had to settle for Robin. Joey: This is crazy. Phoebe: I know! Robin is so gay! Rachel: So now what have we agreed? Ben: No more pranks. Rachel: And-and what else? Ben: That you and daddy were not on a break. Rachel: Very good. Ross: Rachel! What are you doing here? Rachel: I’m just visiting my good friend Carol. Ross: Your good friend? Rachel: Yeah! Ross: What’s her last name? Rachel: Carol…Lesbian? Ross: Nice. And by the way that uh, that line down my face? Rachel: What line? Ross: Wh-wh-what line? The line that prompted a student in my last class of the day to say uh, "Dude, don’t you ever was your face?" Rachel: All right, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but you were so mad already! Ross: Of course I was mad! I told you I-I hate this stuff! Okay? It-it’s not funny! Carol: Hey Ross! Ross: Hi. Carol: What’s not funny? Ross: Practical jokes. Carol: Oh I…I think they’re funny. Ross: You have a line down your face. Carol: What? Rachel: Okay, maybe they are not funny to you… Carol: Oh my God! Rachel: Or Carol! But they’re funny to kids and who is it hurting?! Ross: Uh, y’know what? I’ll tell you who it hurts! It hurts the kid who has all his clothes stolen in gym class so he has to go to the principal’s office wearing nothing but a catcher’s mitt! Rachel: That was you?! We heard about you in Junior High! Did you really just shake your fist in the air and shout, "I will be revenged?!" Ross: I will be! Listen, I don’t want you teaching my son that stuff anymore. Okay? Rachel: Fine. Fine, but I’ll have you know that once I taught him that stuff he called me Fun Aunt Rachel. And I loved being Fun Aunt Rachel but I’ll go back to being Boring and Uncomfortable Aunt Rachel if that’s what you want! Ross: No that’s not what I want. Uh, I’m glad you guys were bonding but I… Rachel: Look he doesn’t have any brothers or sisters, somebody’s gonna have to teach him this stuff! And I haven’t taught him anything that a normal 6-year-old doesn’t know anyway! Ben: Crap!! Rachel: I gotta go! Joey: Hey. Chandler: Hey. Do you want this scone? It came for me but it would probably rather sleep with you! Joey: Chandler, come on nothing even happened! Chandler: Look Joe, I know you wanted to do the wedding… Joey: No-hey-no! If you don’t want me to do it, I except that. I don’t care about that. I just…I don’t want you to be upset. Chandler: How can I not be upset? Okay? I finally fall in love with this fantastic woman and it turns out that she wanted you first! Joey: Yeah for like a half an hour one night! Chandler, she wants you for the rest of her life! You’re so lucky! Look what I missed out on by not being there! Although you know what? It could never have worked like you guys did, ‘cause you guys are perfect for each other. Y’know, we look at you and-and we see you together and it just…it-it fits. Y’know? And you just know it’s gonna last forever. Chandler: That’s what you should say. Joey: What? Chandler: When you’re marrying us; that’s what you should say. Joey: Really? I can do it? Chandler: I’d love it if you would do it. Joey: Hey! Chandler: But those are the words! Those exact words! Joey: Well I don’t know remember exactly but, it’s-it’s pretty much about having and giving and sharing and receiving. Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Ross: Hey I’m sorry to do this to you again but uh, is there any way you can look after Ben for a little bit? I-I’ve got this meeting at school. And-and he-he asked for his uh, ‘Fun Aunt’ Rachel, so… Rachel: Ohhh! Well of course I will watch him! We have fun, don’t we Ben? Ross: Okay, I’ll see you later pal. Rachel: Ohh, okay. Wait a minute. Uh Ben, I can’t do it. Ross: What? Rachel: I can’t let him go out that way, he’s got a meeting. You’ve got something here on your back. Ross: What? What did we just finish talking about Ben?! Rachel: Oh I… Ben: What did we just finish talking about Ben?! Ross: All right, that’s it! Come—you—no! You are in big trouble young man! Rachel: No! Wait! Come on! Ross: Wait! No! Ben, come here! I am not kidding! Rachel: No you guys… Ross: I-I-am— Rachel: EHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! My God!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my God!!!!!!! Joey: Hey! Monica: Hey-hey. Joey: So are guys doing okay? Chandler: Yeah, we talked and Monica made me see that I over reacted a little bit and some things in life are more important. Monica: Yeah baby! Phoebe: I’m really glad you guys are okay but, I just keep thinking what would happen if-if you two actually had hooked up. Monica: Honey! Dinner’s ready! Fat Joey: What’s my little chef got for me tonight? Monica: Your favorite! Joey: Ho-ho-ho, fried stuff with cheese! Monica: Yep! And lot’s of it! Fat Joey: Thanks sweetheart. Give me a little sugar here. Okay. Monica: Okay, in we go. Fat Joey: Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! How you doin’? Ending Credits Joey: Here you go. Phoebe: That’s it! I’m out of the woods! Ohh! What a relief! Joey: Good for you! Phoebe: Oh, it’s like huge weight has been lifted! ‘Cause look, no hair loss, not a rash, no hives, I’m just so happy! Because no shortness of breath, no temporary euphoria—Oh. End Teleplay by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Story by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Monica: So the wedding caterer sent me this list of twelve appetizers and I have to narrow it down to six. Joey: Food? Uh-huh gimme! Chandler: So did Monica tell you about this great band called the Swing Kings that we’re trying to get to play at the wedding? Phoebe: Since when are you into swing music? Chandler: Oh since forever! I used to go all over town listening to bands! Monica: Chandler. Chandler: Gap commercial. So did you book them? Did you call? Monica: I will. Chandler: Do you want me to call? Monica: No, I’ll do it. You just stick to your job. Phoebe: What is your job? Chandler: Staying out of the way. Joey: This is impossible Monica, why don’t you just pick all 15? Monica: There were only twelve. Joey: Oh yeah, I added three. Monica: What are peanut butter fingers?! Joey: Oh yeah… Opening Credits Ross: Well hello! She’s cute! Should we uh, go try to talk to her? Chandler: Sure! That’s one of the great things about being engaged. I’m not nervous talking to pretty girls anymore. The Woman: Could you guys help me? Ross: Uh yeah! Let me, let me get that for you. The Woman: It-it’s really heavy. Ross: The Woman: I-I am Kristen. Ross: Kristen, hi. Are you uh, new to the area, ‘cause if you are…I’d love to show you around sometime. Kristen: I…I uh, actually just moved from four blocks over. Ross: Ah. Kristen: But-but this block is like a whole other world. Ross: Y’know actually it does have a very interesting history. Uh, this street is the first street in the city to have an underground sewer system. Chandler: Smooth. Kristen: Ross: Umm, say you’re gonna be starving after all this moving. What do you say I take you to dinner tonight? Kristen: Oh I’d like that. Ross: Yeah? Kristen: Yeah. Ross: Great! Uh, let me take this up for you. Kristen: After you. Ross: Oh no-no, after you. Phoebe: Am I crazy or does this totally go?! Rachel: Oh my God! You look so beautiful! Phoebe: Thank you Rachel but, look at Monica! Monica: This is it. Yeah, this is the one. I can’t believe I found it! The Woman: Wow you look so beautiful! If I knew you, I’d cry. Monica: Well I’m Monica Geller, ball like a baby. The Woman: I’m Megan Bailey. Monica: Have you found your dress yet? Megan: Oh no, these dresses are all so amazing but there is no way I could afford one. Monica: No, I can’t afford this either. No. I-I-I’m, I’m just to figure out which one I want then I’m gonna get it at Kleinman’s, this discount place in Brooklyn, day after tomorrow they are having a huge sale. Megan: Oh, thanks for the tip. Monica: Yeah! So-so when are you getting married? Megan: Oh I’m not, I just like to try these on. Rachel: I do the same thing. Megan: I’m just kidding. I’m getting married July 25th. Rachel: I’m just kidding too. Megan: So when are you getting married? Monica: Oh May 15th. Megan: Oooh it’s getting close! Monica: Yeah! Megan: So uh, who’s your photographer? Monica: Jeffery. Megan: We met with him. Did he show you the photos of the nude wedding he did? Monica: The best man? Wow! Megan: I know! I almost called off my wedding. Oh, who’s your band?! Monica: Oh, my fiancee wants the Swing Kings. Megan: Oh, you’re so lucky. My fiancee wants the heavy metal band Carcass. Phoebe: Ooh, is that spelled with a ‘C’ or a ‘K’? Oh my God! It doesn’t matter; they’re both great! Rachel: Oh y’know what? Y’know what? Now that you know what you want you should go to Kleinman’s and get it half off. This place is so overpriced. The Woman: I own this store. Rachel: So, does this Joey: Hi! You uh, movin’ in or movin’ out? Kristen: I’m moving in. Joey: Oh uh, can I give you a hand? Kristen: Oh okay. But y’know what? Be careful. Because a guy was helping me before had to leave because he hurt his back. Joey: Boyfriend? Kristen: No. Joey: I’m Joey. Kristen: Kristen. Joey: Oh wow, what a beautiful name! What is it again? Kristen: Kristen. Joey: Got it! So… Kristen: So uh, do you live around here? Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Right down there. or you can wake up with your shoes gone. Kristen: I’ll remember that. Joey: Okay. Yeah. Listen would you uh, would you like to have dinner with me tonight? Kristen: Oh I, I have plans tonight. Joey: Oh. Kristen: But how about tomorrow? Joey: Sounds great! Okay all right, well where does this go? Kristen: You look strong, why don’t I take that and you grab one of the boxes. Joey: Okay. Yeah. A Woman: What is taking so long?! I mean whatever! Rachel: So this is Brooklyn. Monica: All right, listen up. There is usually only one dress in each size so when they open those doors, fan out. Now, this is what you’re looking for! Three short blasts, when you hear it. Come running. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: Got it. Monica: All right. A Woman: Here he comes! Hurry! Rachel: Oh they’re pushing! They’re pushing!! Monica: Hey! Don’t be a baby! Rachel: Well I… A Woman: Let’s go!! Phoebe: Hey! Rachel! Come on!!!! Monica: No. No. Not it. Not it. Not it. Whoa! Monica: Megan! Megan: Monica! Monica: You came?! Megan: Yeah! Monica: This is my dress! Megan: No! Monica: Yes it is! You saw me wearing it! Megan: And now you’ll see me buying it. Monica: What? You freak! You wouldn’t even have known about this place if it wasn’t for me! Megan: Look, you don’t want to fight me. Monica: Maybe I do! I’m pretty feisty! Phoebe: Woman: Hey! Phoebe: Okay! Phoebe: Did you find the dress? Rachel: No! You gotta get me out of here Phoebe! These bargain shoppers are crazy! Phoebe: I—We gotta get Monica. Rachel: No! You gotta hold my hand!! Phoebe: Oh my God!! Monica: Go! Go! Go! Rachel: Hey… Monica: NOW!!!!!!!! Chandler: So Ross, how was your date the other night? Did you tell her about the magical ride that starts with the flush of every toilet? Ross: Laugh all you want but uh, she actually left me a message saying she’d like to go out again. Chandler: Huh. Ross: Yeah in fact, I’m gonna go call her right now. And I’ll make sure to tell her my friend Chandler says… Joey: Hey Chandler! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Listen, sorry I didn’t stop by last night but I had a date. Chandler: Uh Joe, when it’s one o’clock in the morning and you don’t come by? That’s okay! Joey: Well check it out, I was with this really hot girl who just moved in right across the street! Chandler: Really? Right across the street? Joey: Yeah! Chandler: When’d you meet her? Joey: Two days ago. Chandler: Excellent! Y’know Ross met somebody too! Joey: Oh yeah? Ross: Hey. Chandler: Hi! How’d it go? Ross: Oh great! We’re going out again Saturday. But I just found she’s also seeing some other guy. Chandler: Really?! Joe? What would you do if you were in Ross’s situation? Joey: Well, I sorta am. I mean yeah, I’m dating this girl who’s also seeing another guy. But, I don’t know, I’m not to worried about it. Ross: Well you shouldn’t be. Believe me I wouldn’t want to be the guy who’s up against you. I mean that doofus is going to lose! Chandler: So this is nice! I wish I didn’t have to go, believe me! But unfortunately I have to. Oh uh, by the way, what’s the name the girl you’re dating? Joey and Ross: Kristen Lang. Chandler: Bye! Commercial Break Ross: Well obviously only one of us can keep dating her. Joey: Obviously! So, how do we decide? Ross: Well now let’s-let’s look at this objectively, I think I should date her… Joey: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Or, or I’m the one who dates her. Ross: That’s interesting, but check this out. I date her… Joey: Yeah-yeah I like that but just to go in another direction… Ross: Okay, okay. This can go on for a while. Joey: Yeah well we should order some food then. Ross: No Joey! Look why don’t, why don’t we just let her decide? Okay? Hey-hey, we’ll each go out with her one more time. And-and we’ll see who she likes best. Joey: That sounds fair. Ross: Maybe I’ll take her to that new French restaurant down the street… Joey: Ah yeah—wait a second now! Look we’re gonna have to set a spending limit on the date. I don’t have the money to take her to a fancy place like that. Ross: Well sorry, that’s what I do on dates. Joey: All right, well I guess I’ll just have to do what I do on dates. Ross: So let’s decide on the spending limit… Joey: Yeah. Uh, …six dollars? Ross: I was thinking more like a hundred. Joey: Okay. Can I borrow 94 dollars? Monica: Oh… Phoebe: I know. Hand me a tissue. Rachel: You’re out of Diet Coke. Monica: Hello? Phoebe: What?! Monica: That was that girl Megan! She booked the Swing Kings on the day of our wedding and said that I couldn’t have them back unless I gave her the dress! Phoebe: Does that mean Carcass is available? Monica: What am I gonna do?! That is the dress! That is the dress! Wh…Chandler wants the band. What do I do? Phoebe: Well just figure out a way to talk him out of it. Monica: How? Rachel: You’re out of toilet paper! Joey: Hey! Ross: Hey! What’s up? Joey: I just wanted to come by and y’know, wish you good luck on your date. Ross: Oh thanks! Joey: Yeah. What time are you meeting her? Ross: We have 8:00 reservations at Grammercy Bistero. Joey: Wow, that’s in like 20 minutes. You’d better get dressed. Ross: I am dressed. Joey: Oh. Well good! What is this? Did you give yourself a facial? Ross: I have an oily T-zone! Joey: Okay dude! Hey you uh, you sent Kristen flowers. Ross: That’s right. Joey: You spent a hundred dollars. That’s the limit. You’re screwed! Ross: Uh actually, I sent the flowers before the actual date. So techincally, technically I didn’t break any rules. Thanks for stopping by though. Joey: Oh-oh! So that’s the way it’s gonna be huh? Yeah I can break the rules too y’know! Ross: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do? Joey: I don’t know. Ross: Why am I not surprised? Joey: Y’know what Ross? I’m not gonna let you get away with this! Ross: I don’t think you have much choice. Joey: Well we’ll see! Ross: Bye-bye! Joey: Yeah bye-bye! Hey! So just a light layer? Ross: Yes. Yes. Just here . Chandler: Joey got meat sauce on the banister again! Phoebe: Yeah, swing music is so out. Monica: Phoebe, he’s gotta be in the room for that to work. Chandler: What are you guys talking about? Monica: Well umm, we were just talking about the y’know, the Swing Kings and just wondering whether y’know, they were the right way to go. Rachel: Yeah, I went to a wedding once where they had swing music and uh, two months later the couple got divorced. And now I’m not saying that there’s any connection here y’know, but they did tell me that’s why they got divorced. Chandler: But I love swing music! Phoebe: Yeah but the Swing Kings? Y’know they suck so much that people actually die at their concerts—They just stop living. Chandler: Look all I know is when Monica and I went to see them, we had fun! And there’s another reason too. Rachel: Well, what is the other reason? Chandler: I don’t want to say. Rachel: Well you have to because maybe it’s stupid. Chandler: Well it’s just while Monica and I were dancing to them it was…the first time I knew that…you were the woman I wanted to dance all my dances with. Monica: Oh crap! Ross: So they said our table will be ready in just a few minutes. Kristen: Oh great! Ross: Yeah. Kristen: Is your back feeling better? Ross: Oh yeah it’s fine. I guess the more muscles you have the more they can spasim out of control. Joey: Kristen? Kristen: Joey! Joey: Hi! Kristen: Hi! What are you doing here? Joey: Oh I like this place. And technically, technically I’m not breaking any rules so I… Kristen: Well uh, Ross? This is Joey. Joey? Ross. Joey: Hi! Ross: Hi. It’s nice to meet you. I used to have a friend named Joey. I don’t anymore. Kristen: Our table will be ready in a couple minutes. Ross: Yeah. So… Joey: Sure! I would love to wait with you guys! Thanks! Ross: So Joey umm, you look familiar. Are uh, are you on TV or something? Kristen: Well Joey doesn’t like to talk about it but, he’s one of the stars of Days Of Our Lives. Ross: That’s right! That’s right, don’t you play a woman? Joey: A woman in a man’s body. Ross: Much better. Joey: So y’know Ross it’s funny ‘cause, you look familiar to me too. Have you ever been married? Ross: Well yes, yes I have. In fact umm, just the other day Kristen and I were talking about how I’ve been married and how I have a son. Kristen: Yeah, little Eric. Ross: That’s right! Wait no, Ben. Joey: So you’ve just married the one time then? Ross: Well umm… Kristen: You’ve been married twice? Ross: Yes. And another time after that. Boy I’m getting hungry! Hey Joey, have you ever been so hungry on a date that when a girl goes to the bathroom you eat some of her food? Kristen: You said the waiter ate my crab cake. Joey: Yeah. So uh Ross, well now—why did that first marriage breakup? Was it because the woman was straight or she was a lesbian? Kristen: Do you two know each other? Joey and Ross: No. No. Joey: No. It just seems like Ross is the kind of a guy that would marry a woman on the verge of being a lesbian and then push her over the edge. Ross: Wait a minute! Were you on a poster for gonorrhea? Joey: Have you ever slept in the same bed as a monkey?! Ross: Hey you leave Marcel out of this! Joey: Fine! Have you ever got stuck in a pair of your own leather pants?! Ross: Hey-hey have you ever locked yourself in a TV cabinet VD boy?! Joey: Monkey lover! Joey: When do you think we lost her? Ross: Probably around gonorrhea. Chandler: Hi, honey! I’m home! Monica: Don’t come in here! Chandler: Why? Do you another boyfriend in there or something? Monica: No! We only mess around at his place! Chandler: Y’know it’s funny I started it but, now it’s scary me. So could you come out here please? Monica: No, I’m wearing a wedding dress. Chandler: Oh you got a wedding dress? That’s great! Monica: Yeah but I’m not keeping it. Chandler: Well then why can’t I see it? Monica: Oh. I guess you can. Okay but; I-I have to return it, so you can’t like it. Chandler: Okay I promise. I’ll-I’ll hate it. Wow! You-you look…hideous. Monica: Really? Chandler: Yeah, that’s like the most ugliest dress I’ve ever seen. Wh-why do you to return it? Monica: Oh because it doesn’t…really fit. Oh by the way, I-I booked the Swing Kings. Chandler: Oh that’s great! Great! Thanks! But that dress I mean it’s like yuck! It’s terrible! It makes me wanna just rip it right off of you! Monica: Okay! But you can’t rip it. Well, maybe a little. Chandler: Okay! Ending Credits Monica: Guys? Chandler: I thought you were gonna be gone all day. Monica: All right? What’s going on? Monica: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I-I should probably leave you girls alone. Ross: Yeah, laugh all you want but in ten minutes we’re gonna have younger looking skin! Joey: Yeah! End Teleplay by: Brian Boyle Story by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Joey: Hey! You guys! You’re not gonna believe this! I just got off the phone with my agent… Phoebe: Oh my God! I’m sorry, too soon. You go. Joey: Okay. I got nominated for my part on Days of Our Lives! Monica: Joey! Phoebe: Good for you! Monica: Congratulations! Wow! I can’t believe you’re nominated for an Emmy! Joey: No-no. Monica: Oh Soap Opera Digest award! Joey: No! I’m up for a Soapie! Monica: Honey? Is that something you’re making up? Joey: No, no, no! It’s real! And it has been since 1998. Hey Rach! Rach! I’m up for a Soapie! Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God!! That is like the third most prestigious soap opera award there is! Joey: Thank you! Well, I guess now I know who I’m taking to the awards. Rachel: Oh, stop that! Don’t kid about that! Will all the stars be there? Joey: Many are scheduled to appear. Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God! I can’t go! I’m gonna be too nervous! Monica: Okay, I’ll go! Rachel: No!! You are getting married! This is all I have. Opening Credits Ross: …and it was Ernst Muhlbrat who first hypothesized that the Velociraptor would expand it’s collar and emit a high pitched noise to frighten it’s predator. Yes Mr. Lewis? Lewis: What kinda noise? Ross: Just a high pitched intimidating noise. Lewis: But like how? Ross: Well we-we don’t know for sure. But in my head it-it sounded something like this. Uh Mr. Morse, can I see you for a moment? Morse: Yes sir. Ross: Mr. Morse I need to talk to you about your mid-term exam, I’m afraid I-I had to fail you. Morse: Why?! Ross: Well you need 60% to pass… Morse: What’d I get? Ross: Seven. Morse: That’s not so good. Ross: No-no it’s not. What-what happened there Ned? Morse: Well maybe you can cut me some slack. I’m sort of in love. Ross: Well I’m sorry but, that-that’s really not my problem. Morse: I’m in love with you. Ross: Well that brings me in the loop a little. Morse: You see, that’s why I did so bad on this test. I’m having a hard time concentrating. When you’re up there You wear that tight little turtleneck sweater… Ross: Okay! Umm, I uh, I’m your teacher. I’m sorry, you’re-you’re a student and I-and I like women. In spite of what may be written on the backs of some of these chairs. Phoebe: Oh my God! That guy at the counter is totally checking you out! Monica: Really? My God, he’s really cute. Phoebe: Go for it. Monica: Phoebe, I’m engaged! Phoebe: I’m just saying, get his number just in case. But no Chandler is in an accident and can’t perform sexually and he would want you to take a lover to satisfy the needs that he can no longer fulfill. The Cute Guy: Hi! Monica: Op, can I just tell you something? Very flattered but umm, I’m engaged. The Cute Guy: Wow! Uh, this is kind of embarrassing. I was actually coming over to talk to your friend. Monica: Well you should be embarrassed. The Cute Guy: I thought you knew I was looking at you. Phoebe: I did, but that was really fun. Joey: my parents, who’ve always been there for me. I’d also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel… Rachel: I’m fourth! Look at you with your little maple syrup award! Joey: Yeah may-maybe you don’t tell anyone about this. Rachel: What? No! It’s not a big deal! I do that too, with my shampoo bottle. Joey: Really? Rachel: Yeah. Joey: What award are you practicing for? Rachel: Grammy, Best New Artist. Joey: Oh, hey listen! The Soapie’s called today and I also get to present an award. Rachel: Ohh that’s great! Joey: Yeah! Rachel: So you’ll definitely get onstage, even if you don’t win. Joey: What you-you don’t think I’m gonna win? Rachel: Well of course I do! But y’know, favorite returning character is a tough category Joey. I mean you’re up against the guy who survived his own cremation. Joey: Yeah. No-no I-I know I might not win, but it’s just…I’ve never even been nominated before! I want it so much. Rachel: Well Joey, you’ll probably get it. But you should probably your-your gracious loser face. Y’know when like the cameras are on you and you wanna look disappointed but also that your colleague deserved to win. Y’know? So it’s sorta like… Joey: Hey! Rachel: Y’know? Joey: You practice losing the Grammies too? Rachel: Oh no, at the Grammies I always win. Joey: Ah. Phoebe: Oh hey! Monica: Hey! How’d your date go with Jake? Phoebe: Oh, great! We couldn’t keep our eyes off each other all night and then every once and a while y’know, he’d kinda lean over and stroke my hair and touch my neck. Monica: Okay, stop it Phoebe, you’re getting me all tingly. Phoebe: All I could think of was y’know, "Is he gonna kiss me? Is he gonna kiss me?" Monica: And did he? Phoebe: I’m a lady Monica, I don’t kiss and tell. But this hickey speaks for itself. Monica: Okay-okay, I got it. I got it. Phoebe: I just like him so much that I just feel like I’ve had 10 drinks today and I’ve only had six. Monica: Oh, I haven’t had that feeling since I first started going out with Chandler. Wow, I’m never gonna have that feeling again am I? Phoebe: You sound like a guy. Monica: No, a guy would be saying, "I’m never gonna get to sleep with anyone else." Oh my God! I’m never gonna get to sleep with anyone else! I’ve been so busy planning the wedding that I forgot about all the things that I’d be giving up! I mean, I…I’m never gonna have a first kiss again. Phoebe: You’ll have a last kiss. Ross: Can I ask you something? Have you ever had a guy have a crush on you? Joey: Is that why you wanted to tie my tie? Ross: There’s this kid in my class who said he’s in love with me. Joey: Whoa! Rachel: Whoa what? Joey: Ross has a boyfriend. Ross: I do-I do not have a boyfriend. There’s a guy in one of my classes who-who has a crush on me. Rachel: Really? Ross: Yeah! I don’t know. I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-what is it?! Am I giving out some kind of…sexy professor vibe? Rachel: Not right now. Ross: It-it—The point is my natural charisma has made him fail his midterm. Rachel: Oh, see now I feel bad for the kid! I had a crush on a teacher once and it was so hard! Y’know you—I couldn’t concentrate and I blushed every time he looked at me. I mean come on, you remember what’s it’s like to be 19 and in love. Ross: Yeah. I guess I can cut him some slack. Rachel: Yeah. Joey: How’d you get over that teacher? Rachel: I didn’t. I got under him. Joey: Problem solved. Jake: Bye Phoebe. Phoebe: Okay bye. Jake: All right. Bye. Phoebe: Bye! We said good-bye at the door so as not to flaunt our new love. Monica: Phoebe, it’s okay. You don’t have to tip toe around me. I-I’ve been thinking about it and umm, y’know what? I’m okay about not having that new relationship feeling… Jake: I miss you already!! Phoebe: Monica: See? That’s what I mean. I mean that, that’s great! But I wouldn’t trade in what I have for that. I mean I’m gonna be with Chandler for the rest of my life, and that’s what makes me happy. Hey sweetie, come here! Come sit down. Hey Phoebe and I were just talking about how our relationship is deep and meaningful. It really is don’t you think? Chandler: Oh totally! Pull my finger. Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite Returning Male Character is McKensize… Joey: This is it! This is my category. Rachel: I know! My God! Do you have your speech? Joey: Yeah, I got my speech! Rachel: Do you got your gracious loser face? Joey: Yeah. Rachel: Now Joey remember, if you win you have to hug me! You hug me! Joey: Okay. Can I squeeze your ass? Rachel: On TV?! Yeah! Joey: ‘Kay! The Presenter: …in the category of Favorite Returning Male Character the nominees are: John Wheeler from General Hospital …Gavin Grant from The Young and the Restless! Joey: What the?! Commercial Break Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite Supporting Actress is Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives. Joey: Rachel: Joey! Why did we have to rush out of there so fast?! Joey: Rach we had to get out of there because, look what I won! Rachel: Oh my God you stole her award! Joey: No-no! No, I’m accepting it on her behalf. Rachel: Joey I don’t think you know what behalf means. Joey: Sure I do! It’s a verb! As in, "I behalfin’ it!" Rachel: Joey, you have got to take this back! Joey: But why?! I should’ve won one and I really want it and she didn’t even care enough to come to the thing! It could also be a Grammy. Rachel: No! Joey! Joey: Come on Rach! No one saw me take it! There was a whole table full of ‘em. Rachel: Do you really want an award you didn’t win? Joey: No! I want an award I did win! But nobody’s giving me any of those! Plus—Hey Rach, if-if I put it up there right? When people come over they’ll see it and they’ll think I won it. Rachel: Joey is says Best Supporting Actress! Joey: I can scratch that right off. Rachel: Joey no, this is wrong! You have to take it back, okay? You don’t want to win an award this way. You’re very talented. And someday you’re gonna win one of these for real and that one is gonna mean something. Joey: All right! Rachel: All right? Thank you. Joey: I’ll take it back tomorrow. Rachel: Thank you. Joey: Lewis: Professor Geller? Ross: Yes Mr. Lewis, how can I help you? Lewis: I know I didn’t do well on my midterms and stuff but, I was kinda hoping you could change my grade. Ross: And why exactly would I do that? Lewis: Because I’m in love with you. Ross: What?! Lewis: Yeah, I’m all…in love with you and stuff. So could you change my grade? Ross: No! Lewis: Well why not you changed Ned’s grade! Ross: Well that’s different! Okay? Because he, he was actually in love with me! Lewis: No he’s not! He’s totally yanking your chain! He’s done this with three other teachers! Ross: What? Lewis: He’s got a girlfriend! Ross: I can’t believe someone would do that for a grade. Lewis: I know! It’s awful. I love you. Monica: Have you seen Chandler? Phoebe: No. Why? Monica: ‘Cause I just keeping thinking about all these things that I’m not gonna have and it’s freaking me out. I don’t know what to do about it. Phoebe: Okay, don’t sweat it. Monica: Phoebe! Come on I’m serious! I just got to talk to him about all this. Phoebe: No that is the last thing you want to do! Monica: Why? Phoebe: Because you’re marrying him! Monica: You gotta help me out here Pheebs. Phoebe: All right, I’ve never been engaged and I’ve never really been married, but I can only tell you what my mother told me. Whenever you have doubts or fears or anxieties about a relationship, do not communicate them to your husband. Monica: So I’m not supposed to share my doubts and fears with the guy I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with? Phoebe: That is correct! Yes, you’re supposed to take all of that stuff and put it in a little box in your mind and then lock it up tight. Monica: Your mother told you this? Phoebe: Yes! Monica: The woman that got married a bunch of times and killed herself when you were 13? Phoebe: Oh my God! You’re right! Go! Rachel: I cannot believe I’m gonna meet Jessica Ashley! Joey: Okay wait-wait p-please be cool! Okay? I work with this woman. Rachel: Okay, I’m totally cool! Jessica Ashley: Come in. Joey: Hey Jessica. Rachel: Hey Jess. Joey: Ah, this is my friend Rachel. Jessica Ashley: Hi. Rachel: ‘Sup? Joey: Uh listen, here’s your Soapie. I accepted it for ya. Jessica Ashley: Joey: Well, that-that-that’s it? You’re gonna, you’re gonna put it on your self or anything? Jessica Ashley: No, I try to save that for real awards. Now, if you’ll excuse me. Joey: Take it back? Rachel: Absolutely. Joey: Y-y-yeah! Monica: Honey, as we get closer to the wedding, is there anything that you would like to talk about or share? Chandler: Okay. Well, I think the centerpieces are too big Monica: You’re wrong! The centerpieces are fine! Do you ever get scared at all? Chandler: Kinda. They’re really big. Monica: Doesn’t it ever just freak you out that-that you’re never gonna be with anybody new again? Chandler: What? Monica: Just, I love you so much. Just…It’s just sometimes it bothers me that I’m never gonna have that feeling. Y’know when you meet someone for the first time and it’s new and exciting? Y’know that rush? Chandler: No. No, see when I first meet somebody it’s uh it’s mostly panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating. Monica: Okay, but all right you’re a guy, does it not freak you that you’re never gonna sleep with anybody else? Chandler: Sleeping with somebody new, anxiety, panic, and I’m afraid even more sweating. Monica: Even with me? Chandler: I was dangerously dehydrated during the first six months of our relationship. Look, for me the rush is knowing that we are gonna be together for the rest of our lives. Monica: Really? Chandler: Well yeah! But now that I know that you’re having these thoughts, I’m back to panic, anxiety, and uh I’m definitely gonna need some kind of sports drink. Monica: Come here! Come here! Sweetie you don’t have to worry. No, besides y’know what? I’m gonna have a lot of new things with you. The first time we buy a house. Our first kid. Our first grandkid… Chandler: Water! Water! Water! Ross: Uh Mr. Morse, can I speak to you for a moment? Morse: That was a great lecture today. Did you get a little hair cut? Ross: Uh-hmm, yeah-yeah do you like it? Do-do you looove it? I just want you to know that I’m changing your grade back. Morse: What?! Why? Ross: ‘Cause I know what you’re trying to pull here. Okay? It’s not gonna work. Morse: I’m not trying to pull anything. Look I love you dude. Ross: Y’know what? I-I’m not even gonna talk about this. Okay? This little thing is over. I know you have a girlfriend! Okay— Ending Credits Phoebe: Rach? Rachel: I’ll be out in a second. Phoebe: Oh. It’s just so unexpected! I…I uh…Boy I’ll tell you it’s just such an honor to be nominated for a Nobel Prize and y’know to win one for a massage. Especially after having just won a Tony award for best actress in… Rachel: Honey, we have to go. Our reservations are at 8:00. Phoebe: …in Reservations at 8:00 by Neil Simon. Rachel: Okay honey, you can finish this later we’re gonna be late. We gotta go. Phoebe: Please, don’t play the music. Just uh one more. LIVE FROM NEW YORK! IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!! End Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Phoebe: Oh hey! How was your audition? Joey: I’m sorry, do I know you? Phoebe: What are you doing? Joey: Nothing, I’m just practicing blowing you off because I’m gonna be a big movie star! Phoebe: Oh! You got it?! Joey: Well, no not yet. But the audition went really good. Monica: What was it for? Joey: Oh, it’s this big budget period movie about these three Italian brothers who come to America around the turn of the century. It’s really classy! Oh, and the director is supposed to be the next, next Martin Scorcese. Phoebe: The next, next? Joey: Yeah, there’s this guy from Chicago who’s supposed to be the next Martin Scorcese, all right? But then this guy’s right after him. Hello! Estelle: Joey! It’s Estelle! I just talked to the casting people; they loved you! Joey: They loved me! Estelle: Yeah, they wanna see you again tomorrow. Joey: Oh my God! Estelle: There’s just one thing. Do you have a problem with full frontal nudity? Joey: Are you kidding me? I never rent a movie without it! Phoebe: What’s the matter? Joey: They want me to be totally naked in the movie! Monica: Wow! Joey: I know! My grandmother’s gonna see this! Phoebe: Grandma’s gonna have to get in line. Opening Credits Phoebe: Hey the wedding is so close! Are you getting nervous? Monica: Yeah. But a part of me also can’t wait ‘til it’s over. Chandler and I have this pact not to have sex again until the wedding. Ross: A no sex pact huh? I actually have one of those going on with every woman in America. Monica: Hey Phoebe, will you give me a hand? Phoebe: Sure. Monica: I gotta make up the guest bedroom. Hey, Cousin Cassie is coming to stay with us a few days. Ross: Cassie? Monica: Uh-hmm. Ross: Wow, I haven’t seen her for like forever. I wonder if she still carries that Barbie everywhere she goes. Monica: Ross, she’s 25 years old. Ross: So what! I still have—No you’re probably right. Rachel: Hi! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hey Pheebs, can I talk to you over here for a second? Phoebe: Yeah! Monica: Subtle guys! Phoebe: What?! Monica: I know you’re planning my surprise bridal shower. Rachel: Well okay—Well don’t ruin it! Just play along at least! Monica: Okay. Sorry. Rachel: Oh my God! We have to throw her a shower?! Monica: Hey! What did you decide to do about the movie? Joey: I don’t know! It’s not like it’s porn! This is a serious, legitimate movie. Y’know? And the nudity is really important to the story. Monica: That’s what you say about porn. Joey: You’re right. Maybe I shouldn’t even go on the call back. Monica: No! No you should! A lot of major actors do nude scenes! I mean the chance to star in a movie? Come on! Joey: Well that’s true. And I am only naked in one scene. Plus it sounds really great. My character’s catholic and he falls in love with this Jewish girl. Who run away together and they get caught in this big rainstorm. So we go into this barn and undress each other and hold each other. It’s really sweet and-and tender. Monica: Plus, everyone’s gonna see your thing. Phoebe: Well when can we have this shower? Rachel: She has got so much going on we-we have only two options. We have Friday… Phoebe: Well that’s only two days away. What is the other option? Rachel: Yesterday! Phoebe: Well if we make it yesterday, woo-hoo! We’re done! Rachel: Oh my God Phoebe, this is impossible! We can’t do this by Friday! We have to find a place. We have to invite people! We have to get food! There’s just too much to do! It’s impossible! We can’t do it! We cannot do it! We cannot do it! Phoebe: Rachel, calm down! Rachel: Okay. I’m sorry. You’re right, you’re right. Phoebe: Just calm down woman! Rachel: Phoebe, I already, I already did. Phoebe: Oh okay. All right, then I need to calm down a little. Rachel: Okay. Okay. I think we can do this if we just get organized. All right? We have two days to plan this party. We just need to make fast decisions! Okay? All right, where are we gonna have it? Phoebe: Uh, here. What time? Rachel: 4 o’clock. Food? Phoebe: Finger sandwiches and tea. Rachel: Ooh great! Very Monica. Phoebe: And chili! Rachel: Ah you went one too far. Uh, flowers or balloons? Phoebe: Both! Rachel: We’re paying for this y’know. Phoebe: Neither. Rachel: Okay. Umm, what should we do for the theme? Phoebe: Lusts of the flesh. Rachel: What? Phoebe: I don’t know. A cowboy theme? Chandler: Hey! Monica: Hey! Chandler: Y’know I’m-I’m really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding. Monica: Oh boy me too! Chandler: Y’know I was thinking if we had a…a big fight and uh we broke up for a few hours… Monica: Yeah? Chandler: Technically we could have sex again. What do you think, bossy and domineering?! Monica: The wedding is off, sloppy and immature! Chandler: That’s me! Come on! Monica: Okay. But wait, we can’t. My Cousin Cassie is in the guest room, we’re supposed to have lunch. Chandler: Well get rid of her, obsessive and shrill. Monica: Shrill?! The wedding is back on! Cassie: I thought I heard voices. You must be Chandler. Chandler: Hi! Nice to meet you! Cassie: Nice to meet you too. Monica: So, are you ready to go? Cassie: Yeah. Monica: Chandler! Chandler: I’ll be right with you. Monica: Cassie needs to stay at your place. Ross: What—why? Monica: Because Purvry Perverson over here can’t stop staring at her. Ross: What?! Chandler she’s our cousin! Chandler: I was not staring at her. Okay? I was just listening intently. It’s called being a good conversationalist. Watch. Say something. Monica: You were staring about eight inches south of there. Ross: Fine, she can stay at my place. By the way, what-what does Cassie even look like now. Monica: She looks exactly like Aunt Marilyn. Chandler: Umm, so this Aunt Marilyn is-is-is-is she coming to the wedding? Monica: Wafer thin ice! Joey: Hey, I’m back! The Casting Director: Hi-hi Joey. Joey: Uh so, will-will I be reading the same scene again? The Casting Director: Actually, I tried to call to you. You didn’t need to come down here today. Joey: Oh great! Y’know I would’ve been perfect for this part, but whatever! Y’know, thanks for making a bad decision and ruining your movie! Good day! The Casting Director: Wait Joey! You didn’t need to come down because the director saw your tape from yesterday and loved it. Joey: And scene! Huh? Wasn’t that fun? We did a little improv there. Yeah! Okay! So you-you-you-you were saying? The Casting Director: Well, the director thinks you’re really right for the part and wants to meet you tomorrow. Joey: Wow! Sure! That’s great! The Casting Director: Oh and your agent said you were okay with the nudity. Joey: Yeah! Yeah sure, just long as it’s handled tastefully and that barn is not too cold. The Casting Director: Terrific! Well uh, there’s one more thing. Uhh, uh it’s really important to the director that everything in this movie is authentic. Yeah and so in your love scene with Sarah she talks about how she’s never seen a naked man who wasn’t Jewish. So… Joey: So…What? The Casting Director: So uh well the director is insisting that whoever play that part be authentically, anatomically not Jewish. Do you know what I’m saying? Joey: Yes! The Casting Director: Okay. Joey: No. What? The Casting Director: An Italian Catholic immigrant at this time would not be… Joey: Barmifsaed? Monica: So to get this part you can’t be? Joey: Nope. Monica: But you are? Joey: Yep. Monica: But you told them you weren’t? Joey: That’s right. Monica: Wow! Wow! And it’s definitely all gone? There’s nothing there to work with? What were you thinking? Joey: I don’t know! I really want this part! And they tell you no matter what you get asked at an audition you say yes. Like if-if they want you to ride a horse, you tell ‘em you can! And just figure out how to do it later. Monica: Joey! This is not like learning to ride a horse! This is like learning to…grow a turtleneck! Joey: I kn-I know! I know! Okay? And apparently tomorrow when I go in to meet the director I have to take off my clothes so that they can see what my body looks like. Monica: Oh my God, what are you gonna do?! Joey: I just have to call my agent and tell her I can’t do the part. Monica: Unless! Joey: Unless what? Monica: Well, this may sound crazy, but there maybe something we could fashion. Joey: Like what? Monica: Well I’m not sure yet, but umm of the top of my head I’m thinking double sided tape and some sort of luncheon meat. Phoebe: Hey! I’ve got a great idea for party favors for the shower. Okay, we get some uh mahogany boxes and carve everyone’s names in them and inside is everyone’s individual birth stone. Rachel: Okay. Okay. All right, you take care of that. And meanwhile, the party is tomorrow and we still don’t have a guest list. Phoebe: Okay. Okay! Well okay, who do we know that’s coming? Me. Are you? Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hey! What’s up Mon? Monica: Well uh, I’m trying to make something for Joey. Do you mind if I raid your fridge? Rachel: Have at it. Monica: Okay. I hope that won’t work. Rachel: Are you makin’ him a sandwich? Monica: No it’s umm, more like a wrap. Okay so uh, I’m gonna go guys. Phoebe and Rachel: Okay. Monica: I guess you can get back to deciding on what to get me for a present! Rachel: We have to get her a present?! Phoebe: Okay but look! Look at what I got! It’s her address book! We have a guest list! Rachel: Oh my God you’re amazing! Did you just pull that out of her purse? Phoebe: Uh-huh, and a little seed money for the party. Ross: Cassie?! Cassie: Hey Ross! Ross: Hey! Cassie: It’s been so long! Last time I saw you, you were setting up your tent in line to see Return of the Jedi. Ross: Oh. Oh, that’s right. So-so you did see me that day because it seemed like you didn’t. Cassie: Ah yeah, sorry about that. Ross: It’s okay. Come, come on in. Cassie: Thanks for letting me stay here! I mean Monica’s place was nice, but her fiancee sure stares a lot. Ross: Oh. Cassie: Oh my God! You do a great Chandler! Ross: Uh-huh. Yeah I-I have a knack for impressions. Cassie: Well, maybe after we get reacquainted uh, you can do me. Ross: Yeah—No!! Commercial Break Ross: Cassie, how you-how you doin’ on that…hot dog. Cassie: I’m all done. Ross: Thank God. Cassie: I guess the last time we really hung out was when our parents rented that beach house together. Ross: Oh right. Right. Ooh, remember the time I uh, I pinned you down and tickled you ‘til you cried? We’re probably too old to do that now. Cassie: I’ll always remember that summer, because it’s when I got all of these freckles. Ross: Uh-huh! Uh-huh! And-and-and I’ll always remember that summer because that’s when I realized that we are related. Cassie: It took you that long to figure it out, huh? Ross: Well I’m, I’m a little slow. Just as our children would be. Phoebe: Hi! Woman: Hi! Phoebe: How are you? Hi, thanks for coming. Woman: Oh thank you. Phoebe: Thank you. Oh, it’s so nice to see you. Woman: No. The Other Woman: No thanks. Phoebe: Okay. Hey Rach? Rachel: Yeah? Phoebe: Who the hell are all these people? Rachel: Well, I don’t know. I called all the people in Monica’s phone book and these are the only ones who could show up on 24 hours notice. Phoebe: Hmm, y’know there’s another word for people like that. Losers! Rachel: Hi! I’m Rachel. This is Phoebe. I’m the maid of honor. How do you know Monica? Woman: I was her accountant four years ago. Rachel: Ohhhh! Woman: I’m very interested to find out who’s been doing her taxes these last four years. Rachel: That’s great! Woman: So, what time is Monica supposed to get here? Phoebe and Rachel: I don’t know. Rachel: You didn’t tell her to come?! Phoebe: You were supposed to tell her! Rachel: No I wasn’t! You were supposed to tell her to come and I was supposed to bring the cake! Phoebe: Fine, I’ll go call her. Rachel: Yes! And please tell her to bring a cake! Monica: Okay, we have a lot of options here, a number of prototypes for you to try on. Joey: Wow! This looks great! Monica: Yeah! Okay, this one is a mushroom cap. Joey: And-and-and-and-and the toothpicks? Monica: Oh, just until the glue dries. Joey: Thank God! Monica: Now, these are-are more realistic, but perishable. Joey: Ah. Monica: Okay? Over here we have pink suede, which is nice. But umm, if it gets wet then you know it’s gonna shrink. Joey: Well maybe we just take that one away. Monica: I also, did a little something in fur. But umm, that’s really just for me. Okay. So, why don’t you go into your room and try these on and we’ll see—get a better idea of what’s gonna work. Joey: Thanks, you are such a good friend. And this is so weird. Joey: Ow! Monica: Toothpick? Joey: Yeah. Monica: What are you trying on now? Joey: The fruit roll up. Monica: And? Joey: Delicious. Monica: Joey! Joey: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We have a winner! Monica: What?! Which one?! Joey: The Silly Putty! It’s not so silly anymore! Ross: Oh, I know that look. Forget it. I want it. She wants it. I’m going in. Cassie: Hey! What the hell are you doing?! Ross: Yeah, you really shouldn’t have said anything. Monica: Phoebe! Rachel! It’s Monica! I wonder what you could possibly need me for on such short notice! Oh. Rachel: Oh Monica, we are so sorry. Monica: For what? Rachel: Well first, for forgetting to throw you a bridal shower. Phoebe: And then for forgetting to invite you to it. Monica: You al-you already had it? Phoebe: Yeah. Well, we called everyone in your phone book and bunch of people came, but it took us so long to get you here that they-they had to leave. Rachel: Yeah, we wanted to throw you a big surprise and a great shower, and now you don’t have either. Phoebe: We ruined everything. Rachel: Ugh… Monica: Well no wait a minute that’s not true! No, what did, that was really sweet. And it kinda works out for the best. Rachel: What do you, what do you mean? Monica: Well now, I get to spend my shower with the only people I really love! I mean, I get all those presents without having to talk to people I don’t even like! Rachel: Surprise… Phoebe: Sur-surprise. Rachel: …Monica. Joey: And what’s cool is, the character is from Naples, right? The Director: Yeah. Joey: My whole family’s from Naples! The Director: Oh that’s great! Okay, well I’ve heard everything I need to hear. I just need to uh, Leslie… The Casting Director: Joey, this is awkward part. Joey: Oh! Hey right! Not a problem. I tell ya, that has never happened before. Ending Credits Phoebe: Cassie, are you finding everything okay in there? Cassie: Yeah! Thank you so much for letting me stay here. Phoebe: Oh! No problem! I… Cassie: What? Phoebe: Say something! Say anything! Ask her out! She’s not your cousin! End Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan and Scott Silveri Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Rachel: Hey! Out of all of us, who do you think is gonna get married next? Joey: Probably Monica and Chandler. Woman: Hi. Could I have a pack of Newport Lights, please? Gunther: Oh umm, uh we don’t sell cigarettes, but they have them at the newsstand across the street. Woman: That’d be great, thanks. Rachel: Oh my God, Melissa Warburton. I don’t think I have the energy for this. Melissa: Rachel: Melissa! Melissa: You have been M.I.A for the past seven sorority newsletters, what’s up with you?! Rachel: Wh— Melissa: So last I heard you were gonna get married. Oh poor Ray-ray. Rachel: Oh no-no, no! It’s good! It’s all good! I-I actually work at Ralph Lauren! Melissa: Shut up! Rachel: I will not! I’m the divisional head of men’s sportswear! Melissa: Oh shut up more! Now, are you friends with Ralph? Rachel: Oh please… Melissa: Are you?! Rachel: No. Melissa: Listen, we-we have to have dinner. What-what are you doing tomorrow night? Rachel: Oh tomorrow, oh I don’t know. Um… Melissa: You do now. You’re having dinner with me. Rachel: Shut up. Melissa: I-I’ve got to go. This has been so great Ray-ray! Rachel: Oh, wow thanks! Oh you’re in real estate! Melissa: Oh no, that’s-that’s an old card. Umm, I wanted to get out of that and-and do something where I can really help people and-and make a difference. Rachel: Wow! What do you do now? Melissa: Rachel: Okay! Joey: Hey guys! Look who’s back! It’s Ray-ray! Rachel: Shut up that was my friend Melissa from college. Ross: She seems really, really fun! Rachel: She’s actually very sweet and we used to be very close. Monica: Wait a minute, she isn’t… She’s not the one who you… Joey: Who you what? Who you what?! Rachel: Yes. Monica: Wow! Joey: Wow? Wow what?! Wow what?! Who you—what?!! Rachel: It’s not a big deal! Monica: They were lovers. Ross: What?! Joey: What?! Rachel: No we weren’t! It was nothing! It was one night, senior year we went to a party, had a lot of sangria and y’know, ended up…kissing for a bit. Ross: So that’s two of my wives. Opening Credits Monica: Rachel: Oh wow. Why don’t we just take me These pins aren’t for playing are they? Monica: Okay, the red ones are my guests and the blue ones are yours. Chandler: This is so sad. I mean, I only have like ten pins. Monica: Chandler, relax it’s not a contest. Certainly not a close one. Joey: Hello! Rachel: Hey! Joey: Hey Rach. Rachel: Stop picturing it!! Monica: Okay, I think that’s it. The seating chart is done. This is our wedding. They all look like they’re having fun don’t they? Joey: Hey, so where are my parents gonna be? Monica: Oh! you’re parents will be at home in Queens. Joey: What they’re not invited?! Oh no, that’s terrible! They’re gonna be crushed! Monica: Why would they think they’re invited? Joey: You got me. I don’t… Monica: Joey! Joey: Well, I’m sorry. I thought parents were coming! Y’know? Your parents are comin’! Chandler’s parents are comin’! Ross’s parents are comin’! Monica: Ross’s parents are my parents! Joey: Well-well—see? Parents are comin’! Chandler: Y’know I think we should invite them. Monica: Oh please, you just want more blue pins. Chandler: Well this is just sad! Monica: All right, all right. Maybe I can fit them in if I just do some rearranging. But uh, Rachel may actually have to sit at the bar! Rachel: That is not a problem. Joey: Maybe you’ll order a little sangria? Rachel: Oh, get out of here! Rachel: But these are the three that Monica pre-approved. Chandler: Well, thanks a lot for hookin’ me up Rach. I want you to know that I want you to attend our wedding as my guest. Rachel: I’m Monica’s maid of honor. Okay? Don’t try to blue pin me! Chandler: Well, what’s the deal with these? These-these look nice. Rachel: Oh they are nice. We-we custom-make tuxedos for celebrities and then when they’re done with them they just send ‘em back. Chandler: You mean like for award shows? Rachel: Some of them. Chandler: You mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet with people yelling, "You are you wearing?! You look fabulous!" Rachel: Honey, might I suggest watching a little more ESPN and a little less E!? Chandler: Okay, who wore those? Rachel: Umm, well let’s see uh, this one is Tom Brokaw. Chandler: Not bad. Rachel: This one is uh Paul O’Neil. Chandler: Who’s that? Rachel: He plays for the Yankees. Seriously, ESPN! Just once and a while, have it on in the background. Ooh, this one was Pierce Brosnan! Chandler: Pierce Brosnan? Rachel: Uh-huh. Chandler: Are you serious? Rachel: Yeah. Chandler: 007?! This is James Bond’s tux?! Rachel: Yeah. Chandler: Oh, I have to get married in James Bond’s tux! Rachel: It’s a pretty cool tux. Chandler: Oh, it’s not just that, I would be England’s most powerful weapon. Jet setting heartbreaker on her majesty’s secret service. A man who fears no one; with a license to kill. Would Monica let me wear this? Joey: We should really learn how to play the real way. Phoebe: I like our way. Oh! Chess! Joey: Nice move. Phoebe: Yeah. Rachel: Hey! Joey: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: So Joey I just hooked Ross and Chandler up with some tuxedos for the wedding, do you need one? Joey: No, I’m performing the ceremony. I’m not wearing a tux. Rachel: Well, what are you going to wear? Joey: Multi-colored robes! Ooh, and maybe a hat. Rachel: Huh. Does Monica know about this? Joey: I don’t think so. Rachel: Can I please be there when you tell her? Phoebe: Hey oh, Rach wait! Do you want to go to a movie tonight? Rachel: Oh, y’know what? I can’t. I have to have dinner with that Melissa girl. Joey: Can I come?! I won’t even talk! You’ll just hear the noise from my video camera. Phoebe: What is this? What’s going on? Joey: Oh good! Can I tell her?! Can I tell her?! Rachel: Well, do you want to hear what actually happened or Joey’s lewd version? Phoebe: Joey’s! Joey: Okay… Rachel: Hey, come on! I had this friend from college and I made the stupid mistake of telling Joey that one time…she and I y’know…kissed a little bit. Phoebe: Yeah, I’m sure that happened. Rachel: It-it did! Phoebe: Sure! Joey: Hey. It happened! Rachel: Yeah, it was senior year in college. It was after the Sigma Chi luau and Melissa and I got very drunk! And we ended up kissing! For several minutes! Phoebe: Which means she had a couple spritzers and a quick peck on the cheek. Joey: Why are you taking this away from me? Rachel: Yeah, why is it so hard for you to believe?! Phoebe: Okay! I just—I didn’t know that you are a lesbian. Rachel: I’m not saying that I’m a lesbian! I’m just saying that this happened! Phoebe: Okay, it just seems pretty wild and you’re so—y’know so…vanilla. Rachel: Vanilla?! Phoebe: Yeah. Rachel: I’m not vanilla! I’ve done lots of crazy things! I mean I got-I got drunk and married in Vegas! Phoebe: To Ross. Rachel: All right, y’know what? If you don’t want to believe me about this, why don’t you just come with me to dinner tonight and she will tell you. Phoebe: Okay! All right! Yeah! ‘Cause I just can’t picture it. Joey: Oh-ho, you should get inside my head. Ross: Hey! Guess what I got for your wedding! Chandler: A freakish thin date with a hanger for her head? Ross: No. Rachel hooked me up with a tux! But not just any tux, Batman’s tux! Chandler: What? Ross: That’s right! Made expressly for Val Kilmer and worn by him in the hit film…that Batman film he was in. Chandler: You can’t wear that! I’m wearing the famous tux! James Bond’s tux! Ross: So? Chandler: So—If you wear that you’ll make mine less special. Ross: Well, you need something to make this day special? Hello! You-you-you have the most special thing of all! You are marrying the woman you love. Chandler: Please, don’t take away my cool thing. Please?! Pretty please?! Ross: Pretty please? Not very uh, 007. Chandler: Look, it’s my wedding day okay? If you were getting married I would never do anything to upset you. Ross: When I got married you slept with my sister. Chandler: That was pretty 007. Joey: Hey. Monica: Hey. Oh good-good you’re here! All right, I figured it out. I’m gonna take two tables of eight, I’m gonna add your parents, and I’m gonna turn them into three tables of six. Okay? And I called the caterer; I added two extra meals, we are good to go! Joey: Yeah, they’re not coming. Monica: What?! Joey: Somehow they got the idea that you only invited them because of me. They…feel a little unwanted. Monica: Oh that’s too bad. It’s true, but too bad. Joey: Look Mon, if you could just call my mom… Monica: Oh Joey! Joey: Come on! Look just-just tell—let her know that you really want them to be there. Let’s not forget, this is a woman that has sent you many lasagnas over the years. Monica: No she hasn’t. Joey: Is it her fault that some of them didn’t make it to you? Monica: Well, what am I going to say? Joey: I don’t know. Just uh, just tell ‘em it was a mix-up with the invitations, or—No-no-no! Blame it on the post office. They hate the post office. And the Irish! But I don’t think you can blame it on them so… Monica: Melissa: …anyway, his name is Allan and we’ve been going out for three years. He was my first client when I became a party planner. He was planning a party for his girlfriend at the time. Oh well. And he was Theta Beta Pi at Syracuse. Rachel: Oh. Oh, that’s great! Melissa: Hmm Phoebe, were you ever in a sorority? Phoebe: Of course! Yeah, I was uh, umm Thigh Mega Tampon. Melissa: What one? Phoebe: Yeah! Y’know, we were really huge too, but then they had to shut us down when Regina Philange died of alcohol poisoning. Melissa: Oh, isn’t a shame when one girl ruins it for the whole bunch? Rachel: Anyway, speaking of drinking too much. I was uh, tellin’ Phoebe about that one crazy night after the Sigma Chi luau where you and I uh, we made out. Melissa: What? Rachel: Remember?! We—come on both had the sarongs on, and we had the-the coconut bikini tops… Melissa: Yeah? Rachel: …we went back the house and we got really silly and we…we made out. Melissa: Oh wow, Ray-ray I have no idea what you’re talking about. Phoebe: Really?! Commercial Break Chandler: Ross is Batman! Monica: Well, he did manage to keep his identity secret for a long time. Chandler: Rachel got Ross the tuxedo that Val Kilmer wore in Batman. Okay Batman is so much cooler than James Bond! Monica: What are you talking about?! 007 has all those gadgets! Chandler: Batman has a utility belt! Monica: 007 has a fancy car! Chandler: Batman has the Batmobile! Monica: 007 gets all the ladies. Chandler: Batman has Robin! We get ESPN right? Monica: How about you go put on your 007 tuxedo and I’ll make you a nice martini. Chandler: Actually, I don’t like martinis. Monica: How about a Youhoo with a funny straw? Chandler: Ooh, yum! Joey: Hey. Monica: Hey. Joey: Listen, I know the invitation says 6:00, but does that mean that you want people to get there at six, or the show is gonna start right at six? Monica: The show?! Joey: Right. Right. The wedding, gotcha. But I mean, it’s gonna start a little late right? I mean, weddings start late. Right? Monica: Have you ever been to one of my weddings? Joey: Ah. Yeah. Well look, the thing is it’s the same day as my niece’s christening and I really want my parents to be there in time to see me. ‘Cause my part’s just in the beginning I’m not even in the rest of the show—Wedding! Monica: The wedding starts at six. Joey: Okay. Okay, I totally hear ya. Oo how about this? I vamp a little ‘til they get there? Monica: You’ll vamp?! Joey: Yeah! Yeah y’know, like warm up the crowd. Ask ‘em where they’re from. ‘Cause in Joey Tribbiani you get a minister and you get an entertainer. I’m a minis-tainer! There is no one better! There is no one greater! Rachel: How can you not remember us kissing?! Melissa: I don’t know. I don’t remember a lot of things that never happened. Rachel: Wh… Come on! Remember? We were on the sleeping porch! We couldn’t stop giggling? And our coconuts kept knockin’ together? Phoebe: Oh, somewhere Joey’s head is exploding. Rachel: Yeah—but come on—Listen, I’m sorry I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I told Phoebe that it happened and she doesn’t believe me. Melissa: I’m sorry Ray-ray. I mean if I thought it happened I would say it. Maybe I passed out and you did stuff to me while I was sleeping. Rachel: No!! Phoebe: Rachel, it’s okay. You don’t have to do this. I believe you. All right? Okay, if-if you say that you kissed Melissa, then you kissed Melissa. Rachel: Thank you Phoebe. Melissa: She didn’t. Phoebe: I know. Ross: Hey! Monica: You just carry that around? Ross: Yes. I find it to be something of a conversation piece. Monica: Between you and… Ross: Gunther. Hey-hey! Why don’t we put them on? Y’know get a picture of Batman and James Bond together. Chandler: I would but mine doesn’t fit. The pants are a little tight. Monica: A little tight? I could see double-oh and seven in those pants. Ross: Well that stinks. I was looking forward to us wearing our celebrity tuxes together. Chandler: Well, does that mean that you’re not going to wearing yours? Ross: What are you kidding? It’s Batman’s tux!! Chandler: Let me try it on! Ross: Okay, but just the jacket. Double-oh and seven are not gettin’ in there. Chandler: What’s this? Ross: What? Chandler: An invitation for the At First Sight premiere? Oh my God! Val Kilmer didn’t wear this in Batman! He wore it to the premiere of some tooty-fruity love story where he played a blind guy! Ross: Let me see that! Oh man! Chandler: The only superpower you have is a slightly heightened sense of smell. Joey: Hey! Uh, Monica? Chandler? Can I talk to you guys for a second? Monica: All right that’s it, I give up! Whatever you want you can have it! You wanna sing a song? You wanna do a dance? You want your mom stand at the Alter and scream racial slurs? I don’t care! Joey: No! No, I-I just wanna thank you guys for what you did for my parents, that was really sweet. They’re so happy they get to be a part of your special day. Monica: Oh. Chandler: Well, you’re welcome. And tell them we’re really glad they’re coming. Joey: Okay. I will. Ohh! Check out what they got me to wear for the ceremony! is for party time. Rachel: It happened! I am telling you it happened! Melissa: Okay. Take care you guys. Rachel: What?! Wait a minute! No wait a minute! Melissa: My God! You love me! Rachel: What? Melissa: Of course I remember our kiss. I think about it all the time. I can still hear the coconuts knockin’ together I… Rachel: Whoa! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Melissa: Aww, look who’s being suddenly shy. You can’t tell me you don’t feel what I feel. Nobody can kiss that good and not mean it. Rachel: I-I-I-I’m just…I’m just a good kisser! Melissa: Shut up! Rachel: I’m sorry! Melissa: Rachel: Wow! I mean I had no idea that that was gonna… Rachel: What the hell was that?! Phoebe: I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Rachel: And? Phoebe: I’ve had better. Ending Credits Chandler: All right! I found one that fits! Rachel: Well y’know what they say, the 23rd time’s the charm. Aww, look at you all handsome! Chandler: Whose is it? Rachel: Oh does it matter?! All that matters is that you look so handsome. Chandler: Whose is it? Rachel: I don’t want to say. Chandler: Oh, come on! I don’t care! Come on! Whose is it? Rachel: Diane Keeton. End Written by: Doty Abrams Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Episodes Originally Transcribed by: Eric Aasen, Mindy Mattingly Phillips, and guineapig. Monica: Do you realize that four weeks from today we’re getting married? Four weeks baby!! Four weeks!!! Chandler: Do you realize you get louder each week? Monica: There’s still so much to do. Have you written your vows yet? Chandler: I figured I’d buy those. Pat, I’d like to buy a vow. Monica: Sweetie, you know I have no sense of humor when it comes to the wedding. Chandler: Right. So uh, have you written yours yet? Monica: No! But I know exactly what I’m going to say. Chandler: Do you happen to know what I’m going to say? Monica: Chandler: Look at her go! She must love me more than I love her! What’s wrong with me? Ooh, don’t open that door. Opening Credits Chandler: There are no words! This should not be this hard! Joey: All right, uh… Oh hey, you’ve done this before Ross, well what did you say when you made up your vows? Ross: Well with Carol, I promised never to love another woman until the day I die. She made no such promise. Chandler: I’m so pathetic! Monica knows what she wants to say! You should’ve seen her. Writing, writing, writing! Rachel: Monica what? Phoebe: What?! Rachel: What is the emergency?! Monica: You have to help me! I’m supposed to be writing my vows and all I have is this! Rachel: Well, I like the pretty little drawing of you in the wedding dress. Monica: Thank you. Phoebe: Yeah, except your breasts look kinda small. Monica: Those are my eyes! Those are my breasts. Phoebe: Oh! Yeah! Ross: Well, why don’t you just start with something simple. Like umm, Monica from the moment I met you, I knew I loved you. Chandler: Yeah, I’m not sure I can do that. Ross: ...everyone, this is Chandler! Fat Monica: Hi, I'm Ross's little sister. Chandler: Okay. Rachel: Okay. Okay. Okay. Umm, maybe you can start with, "Chandler, even though we were friends; there was a part of me that always knew I wanted more." Chandler: All right, there’s a nuclear holocaust, I’m the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me? Monica: Ennnh. Monica: Ooh, are we allowed to lie in the vows?! Phoebe: Well maybe you don’t talk about your feelings back then. Maybe you just say something about y’know all the things that he’s taught you. Like… Or all the things you taught him. Monica: Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. , five, six, and seven! Chandler: That’s one? Monica: It’s kind of an important one! Chandler: Oh, y’know-y’know what, I was looking at it upside down. Rachel: Well, y’know, sometimes that helps. Monica: All right. Umm, you could uh start out with a little 1, a 2, a 1-2-3, 3, 5, a 4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-4-6, 2-4-6, 4, Joey: Oh, I got it! How about saying something like, "Monica… Chandler: Monica… Joey: "…when I look back over our time together…" Chandler: Yeah? Joey: Well, I can’t do everything! Look back over your time together. Phoebe: Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute. Monica: No fair. I don't even have one. How come they get two? Chandler: You'll get one. Monica: Oh yeah? When? Chandler: All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one? Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm 40? Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically. Monica: Ok, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40? Chandler: No, no, no. Monica: What is it? Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me? Chandler: Uh, uh. Monica: Well? Chandler: Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! Ross: Monica: Chandler: Nice try. Monica: Wait, wait, wait! Chandler: Look, Monica… Monica: Look! Chandler: This is not going to work. Monica: I bet this will work! Chandler: You are so great! I love you! Monica: What? Chandler: Nothing! I said, I said "You're so great" and then I just, I just stopped talking! Monica: You said you loved me! I can't believe this! Chandler: No I didn't! Monica: Yes, you did! Chandler: No I didn't! Monica: You love me! Chandler: No I don't! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Chandler:  Y’know I was thinking, what if I uh, unpack here? Monica: Then all your stuff would be here. Chandler: Well, what if all my stuff was here? Monica: Then you’d be going back and forth all the time, I mean it doesn’t make any sense. Chandler: Okay. What if we lived together and you understand what I’m saying? Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise. Chandler: Oh my God. Monica: Chandler… In all my life… I never thought I would be so lucky. As to…fall in love with my best…my best… There’s a reason why girls don’t do this! Chandler: Okay! Monica, will you marry me? Monica: Yes. Joey: Can we come it yet?! We’re dying out here! Monica: Come in! Come in! We’re engaged!!! Commercial Break Joey: Hey! Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hey, what have you guys been up to? Ross: Oh, we were helping Chandler write his vows, but he kicked us out because Joey kept making inappropriate suggestions. Joey: How is "Monica, I love your sweet ass," inappropriate? Ross: How’s Monica coming along with her vows? Phoebe: Well let’s just say its she’s lucky she has a sweet ass, ‘cause she’s not so good at the writing. Ross: I can’t believe in four weeks they’re gonna be married! Phoebe: Well let’s just hope it works. Y’know nine out of ten marriages end in divorce? Ross: Phoebe that’s not true. Phoebe: Yeah, you’re right. How’s the Mrs.? Rachel: I can’t believe they’ve been together for three years. Joey: Has it been that long?! Ross: Believe me, it seems like less because they hid it from us for so long. Joey: Hey, it's me! I'm comin' in! Chandler: I've had a very long, hard day. Joey: Ahh, I'm gonna go get some chicken. Want some? Chandler: Ahh, no thanks. No chicken, bye-bye then. Joey: Okay. Chandler: Are you okay? I'm so sorry, he wouldn't leave. He kept asking me about chicken. Monica: Chicken? I could eat some chicken. Chandler: Hey Joe! Chandler: Yeah, can I get a 3-piece, some cole slaw, some beans, and a Coke——Diet Coke. Rachel: I don’t know why they didn’t just tell us. Joey: I know! I mean it’s not like we weren’t cool about it. Joey: And-and you?! Monica: Yes, but you cannot tell anyone! No one knows! Joey: How?! When?! Chandler: It happened in London. Joey: IN LONDON!!! Chandler: The reason we didn't tell anyone was because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it. Joey: But it is a big deal!! I have to tell someone! Chandler: No-no-no-no-no! You can't! Monica: Please? Please?! We just don't want to deal with telling everyone, okay? Just promise you won't tell. Joey: All right! Man, this is unbelievable! Monica: I can't wait to be with you!  I'll just tell Rachel I'm gonna be doing laundry for a couple of hours. Chandler: Monica: Awww, y'know what your nickname is, Mr. Big… Rachel: Arghh!! Phoebe: Ohh!! Ohh! Ahh-ahhh!! Rachel: What?! Phoebe: Ahhh!! Chandler and Monica!! Chandler and Monica!! Rachel: Oh my God! Phoebe: CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!! Rachel: OH MY GOD!!! Phoebe: OH!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!! Rachel: Phoebe!! Phoebe!! It's okay!! It's okay!! Phoebe: NO! THEY'RE DOING IT!!! Rachel: I KNOW!! I KNOW!! I KNOW! Phoebe: YOU KNOW?!!! Rachel: Yes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross doesn't know so you have to stop screaming!! Ross: What's going on? Phoebe and Rachel: Ohhh!!! Rachel: HI!! Hi! Ross: What?! What?! Rachel: Nothing! Oh God, we're just so excited that you want to get this apartment! Ross: Actually, it looks really good. Phoebe: Phoebe: Okay, so now they know that you know and they don't know that Rachel knows? Joey: Yes, but y'know what? It doesn't matter who knows what. Now, enough of us know that we can just tell them that we know! Then all the lying and the secrets would finally be over! Phoebe: Or, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own Rachel: All right honey, we'd better go if we wanna catch that movie. Monica: Bye! All: Bye! Phoebe: Bye Chandler! Chandler: Okay, did you see that?! With the inappropriate and the pinching!! Monica: Actually, I did! Chandler: Okay, so now do you believe that she's attracted to me? Monica: Ohhh, oh my God! Oh my God! She knows about us! Chandler: Phoebe knows about us! Joey: Well I didn't tell them! Monica: Them?! Who's them? Joey: Uhhh, Phoebe and Joey. Monica: Joey! Joey: And Rachel. I would've told you but they made me promise not to tell! Monica: Oh man, they think they are so slick messing with us! But see they don't know that we know that they know! So… Chandler: Ahh yes, the messers become the messies! Phoebe: I'll have to get back to you on that. Okay, bye! Oh my God! He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more! Rachel: Are you kidding?! Phoebe: No! Rachel: I can not believe he would do that to Mon—Whoa! Joey, do they know that we know? Joey: No. Rachel: Joey! Joey: They know you know. Rachel: Ugh, I knew it! Oh I cannot believe those two! Phoebe: God, they thought they can mess with us! They're trying to mess with us?! They don't know that we know they know we know! Joey, you can't say anything! Joey: I couldn't even if I wanted too. Chandler: Listen, this is totally getting out of hand! Okay? She wants me to put lotion on her! Monica: She's bluffing! Chandler: Look, she's not backing down! She went like this! Phoebe: He's not backing down. He went to get lotion. Joey: Oh man! Aren't you guys done yet?! Rachel: Joey look, just look at it this way, the sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler the sooner this is all over and out in the open. Joey: Ooh! Rachel: Okay! Joey: I like that! Phoebe: Joey! Wow, you didn’t rip off any buttons. Joey: It's not my first time. Monica: You go back out there and you seduce her till she cracks! Chandler: Okay, give me a second! Did you clean up in here? Monica: Of course. Chandler: Oh, you're-you're going? Phoebe: Umm, not without you, lover. So, this is my bra. Chandler: It's very, very nice. Well, come here. I'm very happy were gonna have all the sex. Phoebe: You should be. I'm very bendy. I'm gonna kiss you now. Chandler: Not if I kiss you first. Phoebe: Ooh. Chandler: Well, I guess there's nothing left for us to do but-but kiss. Phoebe: Here it comes. Our first kiss. Chandler: Okay! Okay! Okay! You win! You win!! I can't have sex with ya! Phoebe: And why not?! Chandler: Because I'm in love with Monica!! Phoebe: You're-you're what?! Chandler: Love her! That's right, I…LOVE…HER!!! I love her!! I love you, Monica. Monica: I love you too Chandler. Phoebe: I just—I thought you guys were doing it, I didn't know you were in love! Joey:  So that's it! It's over! Everybody knows! Monica: Well actually, Ross doesn't. Chandler: Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet. Ross: GET OFF MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!! Phoebe: Y’know, you’re friend’s getting married, it’s gotta change things. Rachel: You really think it would be that different? Phoebe: How could it not be? I mean pretty soon they’re gonna be having kids, and then they’re just gonna be hanging out with other couples who have kids. And then maybe they’re gonna have to leave the city to be near a Volvo dealership. Rachel: Well, things change. Joey: I don’t want them to move to a Volvo dealership! Ross: It’ll be okay Joe. Joey: I’m sorry, I just…I like things the way they are. Rachel: Hey, who's this little naked guy? Ross: That little naked guy would be me. Rachel: Aww, look at the little thing. Ross: Yes, yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be grown-ups now? Chandler: Who are those people? Ross: Got me. Monica: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the middle. 'Me and the gang at Java Joe's'. Rachel: Wow, Monica, you look just like your grandmother. How old was she there? Monica: Let's see, 1939... yeah, 24, 25? Ross: Looks like a fun gang. Joey: Ooh, look-look-look-look-look! I got Monica naked! Ross: Nono, that would be me again. Monica: Hey, you guys! Phoebe: Hey. Joey: Hey. Chandler: What’s going on? Rachel: Well, we were just talkin’ about you guys gettin’ married and how great it is. Joey: Yeah, you can get a Volvo. If that’s what you really want. Monica: Oh that’s so sweet. Chandler: So we both finished our vows. Phoebe: Oh! Joey: Hey! Rachel: Oh, can we read them? Monica: Yeah, I don’t hear Chandler’s and he doesn’t hear mine. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: Okay. (They spilt into their sexes and the girls read Monica’s and the guys read Chandler’s. The girls gasp and groan and the guys laugh hysterically. Phoebe: Oh, that’s beautiful. Joey: Funny one! That’s good! Rachel: Monica, will-will you marry me? Joey: What? I don’t get it. Ross: Oh man, this is hilarious. Monica: Chandler!! Chandler: Don’t worry honey, we’ll make yours funnier. Ending Credits Chandler: Okay, what do you guys think? Ross: Dude! Joey: I have never known love like this. Chandler: You really like it? Ross: Dude! How-how did you write this? Chandler: I stole Monica’s and changed the name. Ross: You can’t do that! Joey: If he goes first he can! End Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones Story by: Greg Malins Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Ross: Hey! Monica: Hey! Ross: Hey uh Mon, I saw the Porsche parked out front, can I get the keys? Thought I’d take that bad boy out for a little spin. Rachel: Wait a minute! You let Ross drive the Porsche and when I ask you, you say you’re the only one who’s allowed to drive it. Monica: Yeah, well he’s my brother! And plus he drives so slow he could never hurt it. Ross: It’s a car Monica! Not a rocket ship! Monica: Whatever Ross! Just replace the bulbs in the brake lights after you’re done. Joey: Hey! Ross: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Saw the Porsche out there Mon, lookin’ good. When do I get to take that baby out again? Rachel: You let Joey drive it?! Phoebe: I’ve never driven it! Okay? Not once! Okay once. Okay, I drive it all the time. Monica: Nice work everybody! So much for the y’know, "You can drive it, but don’t tell Rachel" plan! Rachel: Wow! I can’t believe you lied to me. Phoebe: Okay, I can fix this! Okay Monica, Rachel thinks all you can talk about is the wedding. Monica: Great! Well Rachel, the reason why I won’t let you drive the Porsche is because you’re a terrible driver. There! That wasn’t about the wedding. Ross: Look Rach if-if you want to go for a ride in the Porsche I’ll be glad to take you for a quick spin around the block. Joey: Yeah, you got a couple hours? Opening Credits Ross: Whew! That was a brisk ride! Rachel: Take the top down did ya? Ross: Only way to fly. Rachel: Come on Ross give me the keys! Monica does not know what she’s talking about! I am an excellent driver! Ross: You’re fast and irresponsible. That adds up to a bad driver. Rachel: Well in High School, that added up to head cheerleader. Ross: Did you see the look that girl just gave me? Huh? She must’ve seen me cruising in the bad boy. Rachel: I think she’s checking out your beehive Ross. Ross: What?! Give-give me a brush. Rachel: Gimme the keys! Ross: No way! Rachel: Well no brush! Ross: Fine! Y’know what? It doesn’t matter, because, if I remember correctly, there is a comb on the floor of the bathroom. Rachel: Monica: Chandler, we still haven’t gotten an RSVP from your dad. Chandler: Oh! Right. Umm, maybe that’s because I didn’t send him an invitation. Monica: Chandler! He’s your father; he should be at the wedding. Chandler: I don’t even know the man. Okay? We’re not the close. I haven’t seen him in years. Monica: Well what are you gonna do when he finds out he wasn’t even asked?! Chandler: Well he doesn’t have to know! It’s not like we run in the same circles. I hang out with you guys, and he stars in a drag show in Vegas. Phoebe: Ooh, I think I wanna trade circles. Chandler: Trust me, you don’t want him there either. Okay? Nobody is gonna be staring at the bride when the father of the groom is wearing a back-less dress. Monica: So what! As long as he’s not wearing a white dress and a veil I don’t care. Phoebe: Okay, I think I need to do some shopping. Rachel: Ahhh! Ooh, nice! Rachel: My God! Ross: What do you think you’re doing?! Rachel: Just washing the windshield. Ross: There is no way I am letting you drive this car! So why don’t you just hand over the keys? Rachel: Oh. {Transcriber’s Note: She puts the key into the ignition, which is on the left side of the steering wheel. Does anyone know why that is? It’s a tradition left over from Porsche’s racing history. The world’s greatest endurance race is the 24 Hours of LeMans. Which is in France and runs for 24 hours straight from noon on Saturday through the dark of night and finishes at noon on Sunday.  In the 60s LeMans had a unique start where the drivers would actually start the race outside of the car and across the track. At the start of the race, the drivers would run across the track, get in the car, buckle up, start the car, and drive off. Porsche wanted to reduce the amount of time that took. Since all cars to that point had the ignition switches on the right side of the steering wheel, that required the drivers to use their right hand to grab the seat-belts, put the car in gear and start it. The driver’s left hand did nothing. Porsche in order to save a few seconds in a 24-hour race; moved the ignition switches to the left side of the steering wheel so that the driver could start the car with his left hand while grabbing the seat-belts with his right hand. That’s why every Porsche car built since then has the ignition on the left side of the steering wheel.} Ross: No ah-ah-ah! Do not start this car! Rachel: Look Ross, if you’re so freaked out, just get in the car! Ross: With you?! Yeah right! Rachel: All right. Ross: Rachel: What are you doing?! Get in the front! Ross: In the death seat?!! Rachel: Oh my… Man: Hey guys! Joey: Hey! Phoebe: Hey sweetie! Man: Ready to go? Phoebe: Yeah! Sure! Ooh, I left my purse up at Monica’s. I’ll be right back. Man: Wait a minute! Phoebe: What? Joey: So! You and Phoebe huh? How long have you been going out? Man: Over a month. Joey: Wow! Maybe uh, maybe you and I ought to get to know each other a little better. Man: Sure, I’d like that. Joey: So uh, what’s your name? Man: Its Jake. Joey: Joey. Hey Jake, do you like the Knicks? Jake: Yeah, big fan. Joey: Me too! There’s a game on Tuesday do you wanna go? Jake: Yeah that would be great! Let me make sure I’m not doing anything Tuesday. Monica: Here! Chandler: What’s this? Monica: It’s your suitcase. We’re going to Las Vegas. Chandler: Are you serious?! I mean like eloping?! No more stupid wedding stuff?! No more these flowers or these flowers or these flowers—Think of the money we’ll save!! We’re not eloping. I love the flowers. Can our wedding be bigger please? Monica: We’re going to Las Vegas to see your dad. It’s time you two talked, and I want to get to know my father-in-law. Chandler: Y’know we already went over this and I won! Monica: No you didn’t. Oh and honey just so you know, now that you’re marrying me, you don’t get to win anymore. Chandler: Look forget it okay? I don’t want to go. I don’t want to see him. I don’t wanna. Monica: Chandler, look I-I know that your dad embarrassed you. I know… Chandler: No-no all kids are embarrassed by their parents, you’d have to come up with a whole new word for what I went through. When I was in High School, he used to come to all of my swim meets dressed as a different Hollywood starlet. Y’know it’s hard enough to be fourteen. You’re skinny. You’re wearing speedoes—That your mom promised that you would grow into! And you look up into the stands and there’s your dad cheering you on dressed as Carmen Miranda. We was wearing a headdress with real fruit that he will later hand out to your friends as a healthy snack! Monica: Hey, the point is that he was at everyone of your swim meets and he was there cheering you on! Okay? That’s a, that’s a pretty great dad. Chandler: He had sex with Mr. Girabaldi! Monica: Who’s Mr. Girabaldi? Chandler: Does it matter?! Monica: Chandler, you’re not fourteen anymore. Okay? Maybe it’s time that you let that stuff go. If your father’s not at your wedding…you’re gonna regret it for the rest of your life. Chandler: Yeah o-okay, but I’m just doing this for you. Monica: Yes! Chandler: So I really never get to win anymore? Monica: How much did ever really win before? Joey: Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Listen, you know how uh, when you’re wearing pants and you lean forward I check out your underwear? Phoebe: Yeah! Joey: Well, when Jake did it I saw that…he was wearing women’s underwear! Phoebe: I know. They were mine. Joey: Oh. No! No wait, that’s weird! Phoebe: No, it’s not! We were just goofing around and I dared him to try them on. Joey: That’s weird! Phoebe: I’m wearing his briefs right now. Joey: That’s…kinda hot. Phoebe: I think so too. And that little flap? Great for holding my lipstick. Joey: Yeah, I wouldn’t know about that. Phoebe: And! Y’know what Jake says? That women’s underwear is actually more comfortable. And he loves the way the silk feels against his skin. Joey: Yeah well next thing you know, he’ll be telling you that your high heels are good for his posture! Phoebe: There is nothing wrong with Jake! Okay? He is all man! I’m thinking even more than you. Joey: Oh yeah, he looked like a real lumberjack in those pink laceys. Phoebe: I’m just saying that only a man completely secure with his masculinity could walk around in women’s underwear! I don’t think you could ever do that. Joey: Hey! I am secure with my masculinity. Phoebe: Okay whatever. Joey: You’ve seen my huge stack of porn right? Rachel: God. I forgot how much I love driving. I have got to get my license renewed. Ross: You don’t have a valid driver’s license—Okay that is it! Pull over right now! Rachel: Oh Ross you’re so tense! You just gotta relax okay? Just need to relax all right? Just need to relax… Ross: What-what are you doing?! Are you—Okay that’s not funny! Just stop horsing around! Rachel: I am not horsing around okay? I am Porsching around. Rachel: Uh-oh. Ross: Okay, stay calm. Nothing is going to happen to you, you are not in that much trouble. Rachel: Really? You think so? Ross: I was talking to myself! You’re going down! [Scene: Las Vegas, we have the typical glamour shots of Vegas and the strip before we arrive at 4 Queens bar, where Chandler and Monica are sitting at a table waiting for the show to start. A Waiter in Drag: Has someone taken your order yet? Monica: Uh oh yeah, she did. Uh, he did. I’m-I’m sorry I’m new. I don’t… Waiter in Drag: Hm-mmm? Chandler: Yeah, I just ordered a beer! Waiter in Drag: You’re straight. I get it. Monica: I still say that if we had called your dad we coulda gotten better seats. Chandler: No! No! I don’t want him to know we’re yet! I’m not sure I’m ready for that. And besides he’s not gonna be too happy to see me either. Monica: Why not?! Chandler: I don’t know if I’ve told you this, but he’s kinda tried to get in contact with me a lot over the last few years Monica: What?! Chandler: Yeah, he’s made phone calls, written letters, he even came to New York, but I always said I was too busy to see him. Y’know it’s all very Cats in the Cradle—I don’t want to get into it. Here we go. Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the incomparable Helena Handbasket! Helena: Hello darlings. Chandler: And there’s daddy! Commercial Break Rachel: Okay. Switch places with me! Switch places with me! Come on! I’ll go under, you go over! Ross: Yeah, I’ll get right on that. Rachel: Oh come on Ross!! Ross: No Rach! Come on! No-no! Yeah, I’m sure we won’t get arrested for this. Rachel: Hi officer, was I going a little too fast? Ross: Oh my God. Policeman: Can I see your license please? Rachel: Oh yes, absolutely! Y’know, it’s weird uh, but I had a dream last night where I was stopped by a policeman. And then he uh…well I probably shouldn’t tell you the rest. Policeman: Your license? Rachel: Yes. Here you go Officer uh, Handsome. Policeman: That’s Hanson. Rachel: Oops sorry, my mistake. Ross: Dear Lord!! Policeman: Wow! Ross: Here it comes. Policeman: This is a great picture. Rachel: Really?! You think so? Y’know, I had just rolled out of bed. Policeman: Yeah? Well you look phenomenal. Ross: Well she should, it was taken ten years ago! Rachel: Y’know you’re-you’re probably wondering about the old date on there. Policeman: Yes I am. Rachel: Yeah. Policeman: You’re an Aquarius, huh? Rachel: I bet you’re a Gemini. Policeman: Nope. Rachel: Taurus? Policeman: Nope. Rachel: Virgo? Policeman: Nope. Rachel: Sagittarius? Policeman: Yep. Rachel: I knew it! I knew it, ahh…. Policeman: Well I tell you what… Rachel: Yeah? Policeman: You’re not gonna speed anymore right? Rachel: I won’t speed. Policeman: And you promise you’ll get this taken care of right away? Rachel: I promise. Policeman: And in the meantime you better let him drive. Does he have a license? Rachel: Yeah! Policeman: Can he handle the stick? Rachel: Oh well… Ross: I can handle the stick!! Helena: I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and… All: Gay! Monica: That can’t be your father. Chandler: Believe me, I’ve been saying that for years. Oh my God! Monica: What? Chandler: That’s Mr. Girabaldi playing the piano. Helena: Chandler: He’s coming into the audience. He’s coming into the audience. Monica: Relax! You’ll be fine. Oh much better. You’re invisible now. Helena: Where are you from? Guy: Bakersfield. Helena: I’m sorry? Guy: Bakersfield! Helena: No-no I heard! I’m just sorry. Chandler: It can’t happen like this. Okay? I’ll meet you back at the hotel. Helena: Monica: Can we have our drinks please?! Waiter—Uh, tress! Joey: Hey Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Check it out. How much of a man am I?! Phoebe: Wow! Nice! Manly and also kind of a slut. Joey: Y’know, I’m beginning to see what Jake was talking about. Phoebe: Uh-huh. Joey: The silk? Feels really good! Phoebe: Huh. Joey: Yeah! And-and things aren’t as…smashed down as I thought they were gonna be. Phoebe: That’s great Joe! Joey: Yeah! And you have so many more choices than you do with men’s underwear! Phoebe: Uh-huh. Joey: Bikini, French cut, thong! And-and the fabrics! You’ve got cotton, silk, lace! And y’know what I’ve always wondered about? Phoebe: Hmm? Joey: Pantyhose! Y’know? They way they start at your toe and go all the way up to here… I should go take these off shouldn’t I? Phoebe: I think it’s important that you do. Helena: So what’s your name? Chandler: Helena: Chandler? What an unusual name! You must’ve had terribly fascinating parents. Chandler: Oh, they’re a hoot. Helena: And who is your friend? Monica: I’m-I’m Monica. Helena: Monica! Where are you from? Monica: New York. Helena: I’m not very fond of New York. Queens I like. Honey! Huh? Chandler: Actually Monica and I are engaged. Helena: Really?! Congratulations. When’s the big day? Monica: In…in two weeks. Helena: So you’re bald? Chandler: Wait! Wait! We’d really love it if you could be there. Helena: We? Chandler: I know it would make me happy, ma’am. Helena: Well I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Oh! I’m getting all misty here! You’d think I was having my legs waxed or something. Monica: You okay? Chandler: Yeah. Thanks for making me do this. Helena: Before we go on with the show, I just want to say to the bride and groom how lucky they are to have found each other. In every life, a little rain must fall. Fortunately, in my life… It’s raining men! The Chorus Line: Hallelujah! Helena: It’s raining men! The Chorus Line: Amen! Chandler: When I was growing up I…played the one on the far left. Rachel: Remind me to introduce you to someone! Ross: Who? Rachel: Fourth gear!! Ross: What?! What does he want?! I wasn’t doing anything! Rachel: Well maybe he saw your hand slip briefly from the ten and two o’clock position. Ross: Maybe it’s uh Sergeant Sagittarius coming back to flirt some more! Rachel: It’s a different guy! Ross: Good evening officer. Policeman: Do you know how fast you were traveling back there? Ross: Ah no. I don’t, but it could not have been more than sixty. Policeman: You’re right. It was 37. Ross: I mean you’re not gonna give me a-a ticket for driving too slow are ya? Policeman: That’s right. Ross: Y’know of-officer I uh…I had the weirdest dream last night… Rachel: Oh my God! Policeman: Your license please. Ross: You don’t-you don’t want to hear about my dream Officer…Pretty? Policeman: It’s Petty. Rachel: You have a son! Ross: I know. I know. Ending Credits Phoebe: Feel better? Joey: Yeah! Much! Listen uh, not that I’m y’know insecure about my manhood or anything y’know, but I think I need to hook up with a woman like right now. Phoebe: Yeah, I understand. Joey: Yeah! Okay! Hey! Hi! Woman: Hi! Joey: Y’know, you look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere? Woman: I don’t think so. Joey: Oh! Maybe it’s because I’m on television. I’m an actor on Days of Our Lives. Woman: Wow! Joey: Yeah. Woman: Really?! Joey: Hm-mmm. Waitress: $4.50 please. Joey: Oh, let me get this. These are for you. End Part I Written by: Greg Malins Part II Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman Parts I & II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Monica: Do you realize this is probably the last time we’ll all be here in the coffee house as six single people? Phoebe: Why?! What’s happening to the coffee house?! Chandler: Yep! From now on its gonna be the four of you guys and me and the misses. The little woman. The wife. The old ball and chain. Monica: Old? Chandler: The young hot ball and chain. Monica: That’s much better. Rachel: Ross: Oh, where are you guys going? Monica: We’re gonna pick up the wedding dress then we’re gonna have lunch with mom. Ross: Ah. Joey you’re-you’re having lunch with my mom? Joey: No, I-I just heard lunch. But yeah, I can go. Sure! Ross: Y’know what? Actually I’m kinda glad they’re leaving ‘cause uh, I need to talk to you about something. Chandler: What’s up? Ross: Well this uh, this may be a little awkward. Chandler: Listen, if you want to borrow money, its kind of a bad time. I’m buying dinner for 128 people tomorrow night. Ross: No, its…Its not that. Umm, now what I’m going to say to you, I’m not saying as your friend. Okay? I’m-I’m saying as it as Monica’s older brother. Chandler: But you’re still my friend? Ross: Not for the next few minutes. Chandler: During this time…are you, are you still my best man? Ross: Nope. Chandler: Do I still call you Ross? Ross: Okay! You guys are getting married tomorrow and-and I couldn’t be more thrilled for both of you, but as Monica’s older brother I-I have to tell you this. If you ever hurt my little sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any kind, I will hunt you down, and kick your ass! Come—Hey! Dude! Stop it! Okay? I’m-I’m not kidding here! Chandler: Hey, I hear what your saying, okay? And, thanks for the warning. Ross: No problem. Chandler: So are we…friends again? Ross: Yeah. Chandler: Okay. You won’t believe what Monica’s older brother just said to me! Opening Credits Rachel: What ‘cha doing Mon? Monica: I’m making a list of all the things that are most likely to go wrong at the wedding. Now, that way I can be prepared. Phoebe: What are they? Monica: Well, so far I have uh, my bride’s maids dresses won’t get picked up, my veil gets lost, or I don’t have my something blue. Rachel: Hey! Those are all the things I’m responsible for! Monica: I had to go with the odds Rach. Joey: Hey! You guys! Remember that audition I had a while ago and didn’t get the part? Rachel: The commercial? Joey: No! Phoebe: That play? Joey: No! Monica: That other play? Joey: Nooo! Phoebe: The movie? Joey: Yes!! Phoebe: Ohh! Joey: Yes that’s the one about the soldiers who fight in World War I! Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Back then y’know, we called the Great War. It really was! Joey: Well anyway, the guy they wanted backed out and now they want me! I start shooting today! Phoebe: Congratulations! Rachel: Oh that’s great! Monica: Wait! Wait! Wait! You can’t start today! Today’s the rehearsal dinner! Joey: Oh no, I’ll be done by then. Monica: Oh. Well then way to go you big movie star! Joey: I know! All right, I’ll see you guys over there! I’m off to fight the Nazis. Rachel: Oh, wait Joey! We fought the Nazis in World War II, not World War I. Joey: Whoa! Okay. Yeah well, who-who was in World War I? Phoebe: Go ahead. Rachel: You’re gonna be late! Go! Go! Monica: Who did we fight in World War I? Rachel: Mexico? Phoebe: Yes! Very good. The Assistant Director: Hey Joey! We’re ready. Joey: Yeah! Me too. The Assistant Director: Joey Tribbiani? This is Richard Crosby he’s playing Vincent. Joey: I’m doing my scenes with you? Richard: Nice to meet you Joey. Joey: Wow! I can’t believe this! This is incredible. I mean you just won an Oscar! Richard: No I didn’t. Joey: I think you did. Richard: I think I lost. Three times. Joey: Uh…Cookie? The Director: Okay! We’re about an hour away from getting the scene lit. So uh, if you guys don’t mind, can we run it a couple of times? Richard: Yeah, sure. The Director: Okay, all right. Let’s do it. And…Action! Joey: We have to find the rest of the platoon! Richard: Forget the platoon! The platoon is gone! Joey: What?! Richard: The platoon is dead! Face facts Tony! Joey: So what are we gonna do?! We have no reinforcements! No-no food! Richard: No, we still have food in the basement! I saw potatoes and some dry pasta! The Director: Hang on a minute! Joey, you keep touching your face. Is something wrong? Joey: The Director: I don’t think so. Let’s take it back to Richard’s last line. Action! Richard: We may not have any weapons, but we still have food. In the basement I saw potatoes and some dry pasta, and a few tins of tuna! Monica: Honey, we gotta go! Chandler: Okay. Here’s a question you never have to ask. My dad just called and wanted to know if he could borrow one of your pearl necklaces. Monica: I don’t have anything like that, but let me go see if Rachel does. Chandler: Yes, include more people in this. Monica: Hey, do you realize that at this time tomorrow we’ll be getting married? Chandler: Wait a minute! I have a date tomorrow night. Monica: I just, I can’t believe that we made it! Chandler: Well you don’t have to sound so surprised. Monica: I’m sorry but…nothing. Chandler: What? Monica: Well…honestly ever since we got engaged I have been waiting for something to, to flip you out. Chandler: Honestly? Me too. Monica: Really? Chandler: Yeah. Y’know I keep thinking that something stupid is gonna come up and I’ll go all…Chandler. But nothing has. Monica: Ohh, I’m so glad. Thank you so much for staying so calm during this. I mean it’s really, it’s made me stay calm. I coulda been worse! Chandler: Okay. I’ll be right there. Monica: Hi! If you’re calling before Saturday, you’ve reached Monica and Chandler. But if you’re calling after Saturday, you’ve reached Mr. and Mrs. Bing! Please leave a message for the Bings! Monica: Hey Maureen! Gosh! Hey uh, Chandler? This is my cousin Maureen. Chandler: We’re the Bings. Rachel: Hi! Oh you guys look so beautiful! Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Bing! Ross: Wow Monica! Hey, just so you know I had my uh, older brother chat with Chandler. Monica: What is that? Ross: Well I…I told him that if he ever hurt you I would hunt him down and kick his ass! Phoebe: Ross, please! My make-up! Chandler: Hi. Mrs. Bing: Chandler! Chandler: Mom. Thanks for wearing something. Mrs. Bing: Oh honey! This is so exciting! I thought we screwed you up so bad this day would never come. Oh and just think. Soon there’ll be lots of little Bings. Monica: Mrs. Bing? Here, these are my parents umm, Judy and Jack Geller. Mrs. Geller: It’s lovely to meet you. Mr. Geller: So are you his mother or his father? Mrs. Geller: Jack! Mr. Geller: What?! I’ve never seen one before! Monica: Dad! There’s Ross , why don’t you go talk to him? Mr. Geller: I didn’t even have a chance to act as though I’m okay with it! Mr. Bing: Hello all! Chandler: Hi…dad. Monica: Hi Mr.…Bing. Mr. Bing: Nora! Mrs. Bing: Charles. Monica: It-it’s so great to see you both here. Mr. Bing: Yes! Although, I think we may be seeing a little too much of some people. Aren’t you a little old to be wearing a dress like that? Mrs. Bing: Don’t you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that? Chandler: Oh my God! Mr. Geller: …of course you can kick his ass son. Mrs. Geller: You could kick anyone’s ass you want too. Ross: Thanks you guys. Monica: Oh, Rach! Rach! Umm hey, could you do me a favor and would talk to Chandler’s dad and try to keep him away from Chandler’s mom? Rachel: Yeah! But I don’t know what he looks like! Monica: He is the man in the black dress. Rachel: Man in the black dress… Hi! I’m Rachel! I’m a friend of Monica and Chandler’s! Woman: I’m Amanda. Rachel: Oh I get it! A…man…duh! Ross: Can I have everyone’s attention please? I’m uh; I’m Ross Geller. Mr. Geller: Doctor Ross Geller. Ross: Dad…dad, please! As I was saying umm, I’m Dr. Ross Geller. Uhh, and I’m the best man. And uh, this marriage is doubly special for me umm, because not only is the groom my best friend but uh, the bride is my little sister. And, she’s the greatest sister a guy could ask for. So if you’d all please join me in raising a glass to the, the couple we’re here to celebrate. To the Bings. All: To the Bings! Monica: All right, I’m gonna go steam my wedding dress okay? Who wants the responsibility of making sure nothing happens to it? Rachel: I’ll do it. Monica: Who wants it? Anybody? Rachel: I said I’ll do it! Monica: Nobody wants to do it? All right, I’ll do it myself. Rachel: Monica! I’m not gonna screw it up! Monica: Y’know what? You’re right, I’m sorry. Actually you were a big help tonight. Yeah, and thanks for putting my grandmother in the cab and making sure she got to the hotel safely. Rachel: Well of course that is what I’m here for! Monica: Okay. Sorry. Rachel: Ugh! What grandmother? Joey: Hey! Where have you been? Ross: Oh, taking my parents back to the hotel. Joey: Oh. Ross: What? Are you going back to work? Joey: Yeah. Ross: Nice shades. Joey: Thanks. Yeah, I figure if I wear these in my scenes at least I won’t get spit in the eyes, y’know? Ross: And if I remember correctly, Ray Ban was the official sponsor of World War I! Joey: Great! All right. I’ll see you later. Ross: Hey, where’s Chandler? Joey: Uh, I think he’s in Rachel’s room. See ya. Ross: Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Ross: Is uh, is Monica here? Rachel: She’s steaming her dress, why? What’s up? Ross: I think Chandler’s gone. Rachel: What?! Ross: He left that. Rachel: Tell Monica I’m sorry. Phoebe: Tell her yourself! Commercial Break Phoebe: Oh my God! Chandler just left though! Rachel: Yeah but, maybe it’s not what we think. Maybe it’s tell Monica I’m sorry I…drank the last of the milk. Phoebe: Or maybe he-he was writing to tell her that-that he’s changed his name, y’know? Tell Monica I’m sorry. Ross: I think it means he freaked out and left! Phoebe: Don’t be so negative! Good God! Isn’t it possible that Sorry is sitting in there right now?! Rachel: Okay. Phoebe, I-I think Ross is right. What are we gonna do? Ross: Look—Okay, I’m just gonna—I’m gonna have to go find him and bring him back! Okay? You-you make sure Monica does not find out, okay? Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: Okay but if you don’t find him and bring him back, I am gonna hunt you down and kick your ass! Ross: I will, I will find him. Richard: Hey Joey, could you uh, go through these lines with me? Joey: Oh man! They-they just redid my make-up! Richard: Just the last two pages. Joey: All right. Richard: I found the picture! Joey: Picture? What picture? Richard: Could you uh, could you lower your script? I need to see your face so I can uh, play off your reaction. Joey: Okay uh, look I know you’re a great actor, okay? And you play all those Shakespeare guys and stuff… Richard: Oh, thanks. Joey: But you’re spittin’ all over me man! Richard: Well of course I am! Joey: You know you’ve been spitting on me?! Richard: That’s what real actors do! Annunciation is the mark of a good actor! And when you enunciate, you spit! Joey: Wow! Didn’t know that. Richard: Great! Joey: Thanks! Okay-okay check it out! Eh? Ross: Gunther have you uh, have you seen Chandler? Gunther: No. No, I haven’t seen him. Ross: Oh damn! Gunther: He’s getting married tomorrow right? Ross: Yes. Yes. Don’t worry. Everything’s fine. We’ll uh, we’ll see you tomorrow at the wedding. Gunther: I wasn’t invited. Ross: Well then we’ll-we’ll see you the day after tomorrow. What-what…what you guys doing here?! Mr. Geller: Well you kids talk about this place so much, we thought we’d see what all the fuss is about. Mrs. Geller: I certainly see what the girls like coming here. Ross: Why?! Mrs. Geller: The sexy blonde behind the counter. Ross: Gunther?! Mr. Geller: Your mother just added him to her list. Ross: What? Your-your list? Mrs. Geller: Yeah, the list that—of people we’re allowed to sleep… Ross: Yes! No-no! I know, I know what the list is! Mom! Look if you see Chandler, could you just let him know I’m looking for him? Mr. Geller: And if you see Rita Moreno, let her know I’m looking for her. The Director: Action! Richard: I found the picture! Joey: What picture?! Richard: The picture of my wife! In your pack! Joey: You went through my personal property? Richard: Why do have a picture of Paulette in your pack?! Joey: For two years! The Director: Cut! Wonderful! Joey: Great scene yeah? Richard: Oh you’re awesome! And, in that last speech? You soaked me. Joey: Thanks a lot. The Assistant Director: Here’s your call sheet for tomorrow. Joey: Oh, I’m-I’m not working tomorrow. The Assistant Director: You are now. Joey: No! No! I can’t! You gotta get me out of it! I’ve got plans! Rachel: Ross said there’s still no word from Chandler. Phoebe: Oh man. Rachel: Oh but he did say that they found the grandmother wandering down fifth avenue. Phoebe: Okay. Well there’s one down. Monica: Phoebe: Y’know she might not even notice he’s gone. Monica: Rachel: God! Don’t—We can’t let her start getting ready! This is too awful! Oh God, but wait she’ll be in the gown and then he won’t show up and then she’s gonna have to take off the gown… Phoebe: Shhh! Stop it! Stop it Rachel! You can’t do this here! Rachel: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’s just…It’s just so sad! Phoebe: Yeah, but you’ve got to pull yourself together! Monica can’t see you like this! Then she’ll know something’s wrong! Rachel: I know. I know. Oh God. There’s no tissue! Can you grab me some toilet paper? Phoebe: Yeah. Oh, that’s gone too. This is Monica’s bathroom right?! Rachel: Oh! Phoebe: No-no! I-I…I found one. Rachel: Okay. Rachel: Oh thank you! Can I have another one? Phoebe: Rachel: Oh God I just can not imagine what is gonna happen if Chandler doesn’t show up! Phoebe: Oh here’s a whole bunch. Rachel: Oh, I mean she’s gonna be at the wedding waiting for him and people will be whispering, "Oh that poor girl." Y’know? Then she’ll have to come back here and live all alone. Phoebe: Oh my God! Rachel: What? Phoebe: There was a pregnancy test in the garbage, and it’s positive. Monica’s pregnant. So I guess she won’t be totally alone. Commercial Break Rachel: Oh my God! Phoebe: I know! Monica’s gonna have a baby! Hey, can this count as her something new? Rachel: Oh my God! Phoebe: Hey, do you think this is why Chandler took off? Rachel: No, she had to have just taken that test because I took out the trash last night. Phoebe: Oh God, this is turning into the worst wedding day ever! The bride is pregnant. The groom is missing. And I’m still holding this. Rachel: Okay Phoebe, we can not tell anyone about this. Phoebe: Right. Rachel: Okay? Phoebe: Yeah, okay. Hey, wait. Do you know what kind of birth control she was using? Rachel: No. Why? Phoebe: Just for the future, this is hardly a commercial for it. Rachel: Anything? Ross: No! I talked to Joey on the set, he hasn’t heard from him. I-I-I talked to Chandler’s parents again! Phoebe: You told them he was missing? Ross: No! I made it seem like I was just calling to chat. Pretty sure, they both think I’m interested in them. Rachel: All right, we’ve got to tell her he’s gone. Ross: No! Hey! Hey! We can’t! Rachel: Ross, she’s gonna start getting ready soon! Ross: Well, can’t you at least stall her a little? I’ll-I’ll go back to some of the places I went last night. Rachel: All right, well how much time do you need? Ross: Well how much time before she absolutely has to start getting ready? Rachel: One hour. Ross: Give me two. Rachel: Then why do you ask?! Ross: Okay, wish me luck. Phoebe: Okay. I’m going with you. Ross: Why?! Phoebe: Ross, you’re tired. You’ve been looking all night. And clearly you suck at this. Rachel: All right, I’ll see you guys later. Phoebe: Okay. Wait, do you know how you’re going to stall her? Rachel: I’ll figure something out. Phoebe: All right. Good luck. Rachel: Thanks. Monica: Hey! Okay, so I thought we’d start with my make up and then do my hair. Rachel: Okay uh, but before you do that. I-I, I need you to talk to me. Monica: About what? Rachel: Umm… I’m never gonna getting married! Monica: Yeah you will! The right guy is just around the corner! Okay, are we done with that? Rachel: No Monica! I’m serious! Oh, maybe I should just forget about it. Become a lesbian or something. Monica: Any woman would be lucky to have ya. Rachel: Well maybe it would make me feel better if I slept with Joey. Monica: Rachel! You okay? Joey: Excuse me, Aaron? Hi! Umm, I have a little problem with the schedules. Originally, I wasn’t supposed to work today, and I have this wedding that I really have to be at. It’s my best friend’s, and I’m officiating so I really can’t work past four. The Director: Joey, you gotta stay until the end. We can’t stop filming just for you. It’s not like it’s your wedding. Joey: I’m having surgery! The Director: What?! Joey: Yeah, I-I just made up the stuff about the wedding because I didn’t want you to worry about me. But, I’m having surgery today. The Director: What kind of surgery?! Joey: Transplant. The Director: But you’re supposed to work on Monday. Joey: Hair transplant. The Director: But you’re not bald. Joey: It’s not on my head. The Director: Look Joey, there’s nothing I can do. Besides, you’re probably gonna be out by four anyway. We’ve just got one short scene. It’s just you and Richard, and God knows he’s a pro. You’ll be fine. Morning Richard. Joey: Hey! You’re here! Great! Great! Great! Let’s get going buddy, we’ve got a scene to shoot! Richard: I’m wearing two belts. Joey: Are you drunk? Richard: No! Joey: Yes you are! Richard: All right. Ross: We are never gonna find him! He’s one guy in a huge city! Phoebe: Oh my God! Is that him? Ross: That is an old, Chinese woman! Phoebe: He could be in disguise, y’know. Ross: Aw, y’know…Y’know, maybe we’re-we’re just approaching this all wrong. If you’re Chandler and-and you wanna hide, where is the last place on Earth people would think you’d go? Ross: So this is your office? Chandler: How did you guys find me? I knew I should’ve hid at the gym! Phoebe: What the hell are you doing?! Chandler: Panicking! And using the Internet to try to prove that I’m related to Monica. How is she? Ross: She’s fine. She doesn’t know you’re gone. And she doesn’t have to know, okay? Now come on, we’re going home. Chandler: No! No! No! I can’t do that! Phoebe: Why not?! Chandler: Because if I go home, we’re gonna become the Bings! I can’t be the Bings! Ross: What’s wrong with being the Bings? Chandler: The Bings have horrible marriages! They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games! Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room? Chandler: No. Ross: Then you are neither of your parents! Chandler: It’s not just their marriage! I mean, look at yours. Look at everybody’s! The only person that can make marriage work is Paul Newman! And I’ve met me; I am not Paul Newman. I don’t race cars! I don’t make popcorn! None of my proceeds go to charity. Phoebe: But look Chandler, right now, no one has a lower opinion of you than I do. But I totally believe you can do this. Chandler: I want to. I love her so much, but I’m afr…It’s too huge. Ross: Y’know, okay. You’re right. It is huge. So why don’t we take it just a little bit at a time? Okay? Umm, forget getting married for a sec; just forget about it. Can you just come home and take a shower? Chandler: Well yeah, but then… Ross: Yeah—No-but-but-but-but! We’re just gonna go home and take a shower. Now, that’s not scary right? Chandler: Depends on what you mean by we. Rachel: The nights are the hardest. But then the day comes! And that’s every bit as hard as the night. And then the night comes again… Monica: The days and nights are hard! I get it! Okay? Look umm, Rachel I’m sorry! I have to start getting ready! I’m getting married today! Rachel: I know. At dusk. That’s such a hard time for me. Monica: Rachel: Okay. But wait! Monica: What?! Rachel: Let’s go to lunch. Monica: I can’t go to lunch!! Rachel: Right. Rachel: Oh good God! I’ve fallen down! Monica: What’s going on? Rachel: Okay. All right. Honey listen. When I tell you what I’m about to tell you, I need you to remember that we are all here for you and that we love you. Monica: Okay, you’re-you’re really freaking me out. Rachel: We can’t find Chandler…—‘s vest. We can’t find Chandler’s vest. Monica: How can that be?! Oh wait! Wait! Are you, are you serious?! Phoebe: Found the vest! I mean we’re gonna have to keep an eye on it, y’know make sure we don’t lose it again… Rachel: Oh! Monica: Oh wow! Okay. Don’t scare me like that okay? I mean for a minute there I was like, "Oh my God! The worst has happened!" Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you! Richard: That can be arranged. The Director: Let’s reset. Joey: What?! He got me! Owwwwww!!! The Director: Let’s take it from there. Richard: Are you a little off today? It’s going terribly slowly. Joey: Look, my best friends are getting married in like an hour. Okay? And I’m the minister. Please! Please! Can you pull it together? Richard: Of course! I’m-I’m sorry. I-I’d hate you to miss anything like that on account of me. I can do this! Joey: Thank you. Thank you. The Director: Still rolling, annnnd action! Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you! Richard: Now, that can be arranged! Slippery little bugger! Phoebe: So-so you two were married huh? What happened? You just drift apart? Mrs. Geller: Here comes the bride. Phoebe: Oh my God Monica! Monica: I wanna wear this everyday. Rachel: You look so beautiful. Monica: I’m so happy for me. Rachel: Hello? Joey: Hey! Did Chandler show up yet? Rachel: Yeah, we got him back. Everything’s fine. Joey: Damnit! Rachel: What? Why? Where are you? Joey: I’m still on the set! Rachel: Joey! The wedding is in less than an hour! Joey: I know! I’m sorry! The guy’s drunk, they won’t let me go until we get this. Rachel: Oh my God! I’m gonna have to find another minister. Joey: No! No, I’m the minister! All right, look-look, put ‘em both on the phone, I’ll marry them right now. Rachel: Ugh! Joey, I have to go. Joey: Hey! Don’t you hang up on me! I’ll marry you and me right now! I have the power! Ross: There you go. You put on a tuxedo! Now that wasn’t so scary, was it? Chandler: No. Ross: I’m telling you, just a little bit at a time. Chandler: Yeah okay. Well, what’s the next little bit? Ross: Getting married. Okay. Okay. You can, you can do that too! Just like you’ve done everything else! Chandler: Yeah. You’re right. Hey I-I can do that. Ross: Yeah. Chandler: Okay, excuse me for a minute. Ross: Wh—Hey—Whoa-whoa, where, where you going?! Chandler: Ross, I am not gonna run away again! I just want to get a little fresh air. Ross: Okay. Chandler: Okay. Chandler: Oh fresh air! Phoebe: Wait! Maybe, maybe you’re overreacting! You do that y’know. Rachel: Well Phoebe, we gotta do something! Well, y’know. I mean there’s no way Joey’s gonna make it in time. So I’m gonna through the hotel and see if there’s any other weddings going on. Phoebe: Okay. Oh but don’t tell them Monica’s pregnant because, they frown on that. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: Okay. Commercial Break Rachel: Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding, excellent! {It’s a good thing Jennifer Aniston is Greek, because she had to pronounce those names. Luckily for me, they were written on a sign.} Listen umm, I need you to perform another wedding. Can you do that? The Rabbi: I don’t know. Are they Greek Orthodox? Rachel: Yeah! Yeah. They’re…they’re-they’re my friends, uh, Monica Stephanopolus and uh, and Chandler Acidofolus. Ross: Hi! Hi. Has umm, anyone seen Chandler? Mr. Geller: I thought he was with you. Ross: He-he was with me umm, we’re playing a little game, y’know? Hide and seek. Mr. Geller: You can’t ask us son, that’s cheating. Ross: You’re right, thanks for keeping me honest dad. Mrs. Geller: Well, he better not come by here. He can’t see the bride in the wedding dress. Mrs. Bing: As I recall when we got married, I saw the groom in the wedding dress. Mr. Bing: But that was after the wedding, it’s not bad luck then. Mrs. Bing: Honey, it isn’t good luck. Ross: Oh my God! Monica! Monica: I know! Hey, how’s Chandler doin’? Ross: Great. He’s doing great. Don’t you worry about Chandler. Monica: Are you okay? Ross: Uh-huh. Monica: Well, you’re-you’re sweating. Ross: These-these are beads of joy. Monica: Oh that’s sweet. Don’t touch me. Ross: Uh Phoebe, can I see you for a second? Phoebe: Yeah! Phoebe: What’s going on? Ross: Chandler’s gone again! Phoebe: Oh my God! Why would you play hide and seek with someone you know is a flight risk?! Joey: Aaron! You gotta let me go. The guy’s hammered! The Director: I’m sorry Joey, as long as he’s here and he’s conscious we’re still shooting. Richard: You wouldn’t happen to have a very big fork? Joey: So I uh, I just talked to the director. That’s it, we’re done for the day. Richard: Well have we finished the scene? Joey: Yeah! You…you were wonderful. Richard: As were you. Joey: So I got your car, it’s right outside. Richard: Why? Are we done for the day? Joey: That’s what you told me. Richard: Oh, thank you. You’re welcome. Joey: No-no-no! We gotta go! Come on! Here we go. Richard: Is that my ass? Ross: There he is!! Chandler: What? Phoebe: Hey! Oh! Ross: You’re not getting away this time mister! Unless you want that ass kicking we talked about! Chandler: Ross! Ross: Hiiii-Ya!! I’m serious! You’re not walking out on my sister! Chandler: That’s right! I’m not! Ross: Then where the hell have you been?! Chandler: I know about Monica. Phoebe: You know?! Ross: What? Chandler: Yeah, I heard you and Rachel talking. Ross: What?! What?! Talking about what?! Chandler: You don’t know? Ross: Know what—If somebody doesn’t tell me what’s going on right now… Phoebe: What? You’ll hi-ya? Chandler: Monica’s pregnant. Ross: Oh my God. Oh my God! And you’re-you’re…you’re not freaking out? Chandler: Well I was! Then I went down to the gift shop because I was out of cigarettes… Phoebe and Ross: Cigarettes?!! Chandler: Big picture please! So I was in the gift shop, and that’s when I uh, saw this. Yeah, y’know what? I thought anything that can fit into this, can’t be scary. Phoebe: Well you obviously didn’t see Chucky 3. Chandler: But come on, look at how cute and small this is! So I got it to give Monica so she’d know I was okay. Ross: Dude. Mr. Geller: Way to go son! I knew you’d find him! Mr. Bing: Our little boy is getting married. Mrs. Bing: Oh look at you! So handsome! Chandler: You look beautiful mom. The Rabbi: Are you Chandler? Chandler: Are you Joey? Ross: Huh. This is nice. Phoebe: What? Ross: I’ve never walked down the aisle knowing it can’t end in divorce. Mrs. Geller: Oh I wish you’re grandmother had lived to see this. Monica: She’s right there. Mrs. Geller: Not that old crow, my mother. Congratulations darling. Mr. Geller: I love you sweetheart. Chandler: You look beautiful. Is this new? Monica: Not now. Chandler: Okay. Monica: Who is this? The Rabbi: I am Father Kalebasous. Chandler: He’s Greek Orthodox. Rachel: As are you… The Rabbi: Let us begin. Dearly beloved… Joey: We are gathered here today, to join this man and this woman in the bonds of holy matrimony. I’ve known Monica and Chandler for a long time, and I can not imagine two people more perfect for each other. And now, as I’ve left my notes in my dressing room. We shall proceed to the vows. Monica? Monica: He took off? Rachel: Go on! Go on. Monica: Chandler, for so long I…I wondered if I would ever find my prince, my soul mate. Then three years ago, at another wedding I turned to a friend for comfort. And in stead, I found everything that I’d ever been looking for my whole life. And now…here we are…with our future before us…and I only want to spend it with you, my prince, my soul mate, my friend. Unless you don’t want to. You go! Joey: Chandler? Chandler: Joey: You may not kiss the bride. So, I guess by the powers vested in my by the state of New York and the Internet guys, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Oh wait! Do you take each other? Chandler: I do. Monica: I do. Joey: Yeah you do! Ross: Rings? Joey: Aw crap! Okay—uh…uh let’s-let’s do the rings. Joey: We good? Yeah? Good? Once again, I pronounce you husband and wife. Now kiss her again. Chandler: I love you. And I know about the baby. Monica: What baby? Chandler: Our baby. Monica: We have a baby? Chandler: Phoebe found your pregnancy test in the trash. Monica: I didn’t take a pregnancy test. Chandler: Then…who did? Phoebe: Oh and they’re gonna have a baby. Rachel: Uh-huh. Ending Credits {Transcriber’s Note: There was no trailer for this episode. See you in season 8; which will start this fall.} End Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Photographer: Great. Great! Just give me a sec to change film. Monica: Okay. Ross: Okay, I know I’m not supposed to know, but I do. And I’m so excited for you! Joey: What? What’s going on? Ross: Monica’s pregnant! Joey: Oh my God! Is that why you guys had to get married?! Monica: Guys! I’m not pregnant. Joey: Ah. Ross: What?! What do you mean? You-you-you’re not pregnant? Monica: You didn’t tell anybody I was did you?! Ross: No! Photographer: Now why don’t we get a shot of just Monica and the bloody soldier. Monica: Oh, about that. Joey, you have to change before the party. Joey: I can’t! I-I don’t have any other clothes here. Monica: Find some! Please! Anything that doesn’t say I-I died tragically in France. Photographer: Well then why don’t we see the bride and the groom and the bridemaids. Phoebe: Okay. Hey Mon, why did you tell the guys you weren’t pregnant? Monica: Because I’m not. Phoebe: We found your test in the trash, if you’re not pregnant——It’s because I am. Chandler: What?! What are you talking about? Monica: What are you talking about? Phoebe: Yes, I…I am with child. And I didn’t want to say anything because it’s your day; I didn’t want to steal your thunder. Monica: Wait a minute! So you told people I was pregnant?! Does this look like a conversation that I want to remember?! Chandler: Who’s the father? Monica: Yeah! Phoebe: I can’t say. Monica: Why?! Chandler: Why not? Phoebe: I can’t say because he’s famous. Rachel: Oh my God, who is it?! Monica: Phoebe, come on, you have to tell us. Phoebe: Okay, okay. It’s James Brolin. James Brolin is the father of my baby. Chandler: As in Barbara Streisand’s husband James Brolin? Phoebe: What?! Well he never said that to me! Opening Credits Photographer: Why don’t we have Monica step away and we’ll get Chandler and the bridemaids. Phoebe: How about just the bridemaids? Chandler: Y’know I am the groom right? I was told it was kinda big deal. Phoebe: It is. Rachel: For you. Phoebe: Oh my God! Rachel: Oh, thank you for doing that. I just can’t deal with this just quite yet. Phoebe: So instead you told me Monica was pregnant. Rachel: You said that she was, I just didn’t disagree with you. Phoebe: Sneaky. Rachel: Oh yeah. Photographer: Smile ladies. Rachel: Oh! Oh by the way? Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Rachel: James Brolin? Phoebe: Oh, I know. I could only think of two names, him and Ed Begley Jr. and then I remembered he’s gay. Rachel: Ed Begley Jr. is not gay. Phoebe: Really?! Bandleader: Thank you very much! Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you for the very first time, Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Bing! Chandler: Before we go out there I’ve got a present for ya. Monica: Honey, I’m going to put my hand in your pocket! Chandler: No? Monica: No. Chandler: I’ve been taking dancing lessons. Monica: What?! Chandler: Yeah, the last six weeks. I wanted this to be a moment you will never forget. Monica: Oh that is so sweet! Chandler: So? Would you care to join me in our first dance as husband and wife? Monica: Yes. Monica: What’s the matter? Chandler: I don’t know, it’s these new shoes, they’re all slippery. Monica: Well, are you going to be able to do this? Chandler: Not well. Monica: Well, the good news is, I don’t think anyone’s looking at us. Phoebe: So, are you ready to talk about it? Rachel: No. Phoebe: Now? Rachel: No! Phoebe: Okay, we’ll talk about something else then. Rachel: Thank you. Phoebe: Who’s the father?! Rachel: Ugh! Look honey y’know what? I haven’t told him yet, so until I do I don’t think I should tell anybody else. Phoebe: Yeah. That’s fine. That’s fair. Is it Tag? Rachel: Phoebe!! Phoebe: Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll stop. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: Is it Ross? It’s Ross isn’t it—Oh my God, it’s Joey! Rachel: Honey, stop it! I am not going to tell you until I tell him. Phoebe: Ah-hah! At least we know it’s a him. Monica: Oh sweet Lord. Joey: I’m sorry! Okay? I went down to the gift shop and it’s either this or a bathrobe! Look, what’s more important, the way I’m dressed or me being with you on your special day? Monica: Honey, I’m not even going to pretend I was listening. Ross: Hi. I’m uh, I’m Ross. I don’t, I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Monica’s older brother. Woman: Oh hi, I’m, I’m Mona from her restaurant. Ross: Oh! Hello uh, Mona from her restaurant. Mona, wow what a, what a beautiful name. Mona: You think so? I’ve always kinda hated it. Ross: Aw come on, Mona Lisa? Mona: Uh-huh. Ross: Mona umm…Clickclocken. The famous botanist? Huh? Oh no she’s uh—well she’s dead now. No, supposedly she was once quite the hottie of the plant world. Mona: Really?! Well see? I never knew about her. Ross: Linda Clickclocken. Oh, uh me too. Mona: Oh good. Now there’ll be someone there who likes my name. Ross: Oh guess what, Molly Gilbert you’ve just been bumped up to table one. And if it’s all right with you I’m gonna take your place at table six—Martin Clickclocken. Joey: That’s better, now just bend your arms a little more. There you go. Okay, look straight ahead. Now this time I want you to really put your ass into it. Mrs. Bing: Chandler darling! Look, my date has finally arrived. I’d like you to meet Dennis Phillips. Dennis Phillips: Congratulations. Chandler: Thank you. Mrs. Bing: Dennis is a dear old friend and a fantastic lover. Chandler: Bravo Dennis thanks for pleasing my mother so. Dennis Phillips: Oh, I’m so sorry I missed the ceremony, I was stuck at auditions. Mrs. Bing: Oh yes, Dennis is directing a new Broadway show. Joey: I don’t believe we’ve met, Joey Tribbiani. Dennis Phillips: Dennis Phillips Joey: Wow, I’ve admired your work for years. You-you’ve done some really amazing stuff. Dennis Phillips: Oh, thank you. Well if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go get myself a drink. Be back in a moment. Joey: Wow Dennis Phillips! That’s great! How did you guys meet? Mrs. Bing: Well, it’s a funny story. Chandler: Funny: ha-ha or funny: Bandleader: Thank you, thank you very much. If everyone will please take your seats, dinner will be served. Ross: Hey! Uh, I thought, I thought you were at table six. Mona: No, nine. Ross: Oh see, before you uh, when you showed it to me you-you held it that way Hello. Joey: Chandler. Will you see if your mom can give my resume to Dennis Phillips? ‘Cause if I can get in a Broadway show then I would’ve done it all, film, television, and theater. The only think left would be radio, and that’s just for ugly people. Chandler: What size shoes do you wear? Joey: Uh, eleven, eleven and a half. Chandler: Great, because my shoes are giving me a little problem on the dance floor, can I borrow the boots from your costume? Joey: Uh, I don’t even really know where I left those. Sorry. Chandler: Those aren’t eleven and a half. Joey: Okay fine! I’m a seven! All right, I have surprisingly small feet. But the rest of me is good, I’ll show ya! Monica: Can you believe Phoebe got pregnant?! Rachel: Oh y’know what honey? Let’s not talk about that right now? Monica: This is so huge. Rachel: Sure, but come on, as big as your wedding? Monica: Of course not nothing is. Between me and you… Rachel: Yeah. Monica: …in this day and age how dumb do you have to be to get pregnant? Rachel: Hey! Y’know, sometimes you can do everything right, everyone can wear everything they’re supposed to wear, and one of those little guys just gets through! Monica: How? Rachel: I don’t know! Maybe they have tools. Monica: Well I-I talked to and uh, she’s definitely going to have this baby. Y’know, she said she was gonna raise it on her own. Rachel: Well, maybe that’s, maybe that’s really brave. Monica: Maybe. I just hope she realizes how hard it’s gonna be. Rachel: Maybe she hasn’t really thought it through that well. Monica: Well, there’s a lot to think about. I mean, how is she, how is she going to handle this financially? How is she going to juggle work? Does she realize she’s not going to have a date again for the next eighteen years? Rachel: I don’t know. Monica: Are you okay? Rachel: Uh-hmm. I’m just thinking about Phoebe; poor knocked up Phoebe. Waiter: Champagne? Rachel: Oh yes! Thank you very much! Oh that’s-that’s actually how the French drink it. Commercial Break Phoebe: Well, I just got off the phone with my lover, James Brolin… Monica: Oh really?! Phoebe: Yes, and apparently he is married to some singer, but he said he would leave her for me. And I said, "James, James Brolin, are you sure?" James Brolin said… Monica: Rachel’s really the one who’s pregnant. Phoebe: Why bother? Monica: How do you feel? Rachel: I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel. This is all happening so fast. I have to make all these decisions that I don’t want to make. Somebody just take this away from me!! Phoebe: Calm down. Maybe you’re not pregnant. Rachel: What?! Phoebe: When I got pregnant with the triplets, I took that test like three times just to make sure. Monica: Yes! Maybe it’s a false positive. Are you sure you peed on the stick right? Rachel: How many ways are there to do that? Phoebe: I’m-I’m just saying, don’t freak out until you’re a hundred percent sure. Rachel: All right, I’ll-I’ll take it again when I get home. Monica: You-you gotta take it now. Come on, do it as a present to me. Rachel: Okay. Thank you. Monica: Okay. Phoebe: I’ll run out and get you one. Rachel: Oh, you guys are so great. Monica: Oh, wait a minute! Who’s is the father?! Phoebe: Oh no, she won’t tell us. Monica: Oh, come on it’s my wedding! That can be my present. Rachel: Wh—Hey, I just gave you peeing on a stick. Phoebe: See? This is why you register. Ross: It was the chair again! Okay? I’m not doing it! It what—look, I don’t—y’know what—eh-eh… Hi. Mona: Hi! Ross: Umm, would you like to dance? Mona: Sure. Ross: Yeah? Mona: Yeah. Ross: Oh great! Little Girl: Dr. Geller? Ross: I wasn’t farting! Yes? Little Girl: Dr. Geller, will you dance with me? Ross: Oh umm, well uh, maybe-maybe later. Right now, I’m about to dance with this lady. Little Girl: Okay. Mona: Ohhhh! Ross: Uh, unless! Unless, uh this lady wouldn’t mind letting you go first. Mona: I’d be happy to. You are very sweet. Ross: Yes I-I am. In fact umm hey, why don’t we try it my special way? You can dance on my feet. Little Girl: Sure! Ross: Yeah? Hop on. Is the pretty lady looking? Little Girl: Uh-huh. Ross: Keep dancing. Chandler: And the world will never know. Joey: Hey! Did you talk to Dennis about me yet? Chandler: Yes, I told him how talented you were. I told him all about Days Of Our Lives. Joey: No-no! No! No! You don’t tell a Broadway guy that! Now he just thinks I’m a soap actor. Chandler: But you’re not just a soap actor. You are a soap actor with freakishly tiny feet. Joey: Hey! Little Girl: Thank you. Ross: No-no, thank you Miranda. Little Girl: Melinda! Ross: All right. Mona: How cute was that? Ross: Oh-oh, were you, were you watching? Second Girl: Can I go next? Ross: What? Of course you can! Hop on! Mona: Okay, but I get to hop on after her. Ross: I am so gonna score. Second Girl: What? Ross: I like your bow. Joey: Oh! To the happy couple! Bandleader: Thank you. Ross: That was very nice Ashley. Ashley: Can we do it again? Ross: No-no. Mona: So, is it my turn now? Fat Girl: I’m next! Ross: Oh! Mona: Uh, that’s okay. You can dance with her first. Ross: Oh, you-you sure? Okay. So what’s uh, what’s your name. Fat Girl: Gert! Ross: That’s, that’s pretty. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing there Gert? Gert: Dancing on your feet! Like the other girls did it. Ross: Okay. Gert: Why aren’t you moving your feet? Ross: I’m trying. Gert: Faster! You’re not going fast enough! Ross: Maybe I should stand on your feet! Joey: So did you uh, happen to catch my toast up there? Dennis Phillips: Oh my God, that was for my benefit? Joey: Well, I’d like to think there was something for everyone. Look, I know you’re casting for this new show… Dennis Phillips: Look umm Joey, I-I don’t think you’re quite right for this project. Joey: Oh, see that’s where you’re wrong. Whatever it is I can do it. And if didn’t see it up there, just-just try me. Dennis Phillips: It’s an all Chinese cast. Can you be Chinese? Joey: Well I’m not proud of this, but… Dennis Phillips: Oh my God! No-no-no! Please! Please! Don’t-don’t-don’t! Monica: Hey, are you ready to get back on the dance floor? Chandler: Did it turn into sand? Monica: Ohh come on, I love this song! Come on, you’ll be fine. Chandler: No. No, I won’t. Do you know why I took all those lessons? See, for the first time I didn’t want you to be embarrassed to be seen on the dance floor with some clumsy idiot. Monica: Oh sweetie, you can never embarrass me. There you go. Mr. Geller: Chandler, I’m gonna have you arrested. Chandler: Why? Mr. Geller: You stole my moves. Rachel: How much longer? Phoebe: 30 seconds. Rachel: 30 seconds, okay. Monica: Rachel, I-I want you to know that, if it’s positive, we’re gonna… Rachel: Oh I know. I know. Phoebe: It’s time. The Girls: No!! Monica: Go ahead Rach. Rachel: Oh wait! Y’know what? I can’t, I can’t look at it. I can’t. Somebody else tell me, somebody tell me. Phoebe: Okay. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: Umm, it’s negative. Rachel: What? Phoebe: It’s negative. Rachel: Oh. Oh. Well there you go. Whew! God. Monica: Well… Well, great. Phoebe: Here. Rachel: Thanks. How could I be upset over something I never had? It’s negative? Phoebe: No, it’s positive. Rachel: What?! Phoebe: It’s-it’s not negative, it’s positive. Rachel: Are you sure? Phoebe: Well yeah, I lied before. Rachel: Oh! Monica: Oh God… Phoebe: Now you know how you really feel about it. Rachel: Oh-oh, that’s a risky little game! Monica: Are you really gonna do this? Rachel: Yeah. I’m gonna have a baby. I’m gonna have a baby. I’m gonna have a baby! Phoebe: With who? Rachel: Ah, it’s still not the time. Dedicated to the People of New York City Closing Credits Ross: I just didn’t see the fast song coming. Joey: Shh. Shh. Don’t try to talk, we’ll get you up to your room, we’ll soak your feet, you’ll be okay. Ross: Oh, thank you. Mona: That is so sweet! Joey: Yeah. Mona: No, I mean it. There are so few genuinely nice guys out there. Joey: Tell me about it, I feel like I’m holding down the fort all by myself. Mona: It’s Joey right? Joey: Yeah. Ross: Wait a minute! No! I’m the nice one! I’m the one who danced with the kids all night! How…How small are your feet?! End Written by: Dana Klein Borkow Directed by: David Schwimmer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Rachel: Listen y’know what sir? For the last time, I don’t care what the computer says, we did not take a bag of Mashuga nuts from the mini-bar and we did not watch Dr. Do-Me-A-Little! Joey: Hey! Phoebe: Oh! Joey uh, were you in our room last night? Joey: No. I was told the name of the movie would not appear on the bill! Chandler: Hi! We’re checking out of the bridal suite. Monica: That’s right. I’m no longer a bride. I’ll never be a bride again. Now, I’m just someone’s wife! Chandler: And I’m the happiest guy in the world! Oh honey, come on don’t be upset. We still have so much to look forward to! Monica: Oh yeah, right. Chandler: We got the honeymoon. Monica: That’s not ‘til Thursday. Chandler: The wedding pictures? Monica: They won’t be ready for weeks. Chandler: Not the disposable cameras from the tables. Monica: That’s true! I knew I married you for a reason! Chandler: I’ll tell you what, I will go get them developed and you can go home. Monica: Okay. Chandler: What? What did you take a picture of? Joey: Nothing! It was something. Chandler: Okay Ross has the cameras, has he checked out yet? Rachel: Are you joking? Check out is not ‘til noon and he has a good eleven minutes left. Chandler: Oh. Monica: Ross has never checked out of a room a minute before he had to. Rachel: Yeah, one time, when we were dating, uh we got a late checkout, he got so excited it was the best sex we ever had. Until y’know, he screamed out Radisson at the end. Chandler: Okay, well I’m gonna get Ross, get the cameras, and get them developed. Front Desk Clerk: Here’s a copy of your bill. Monica: Oh thanks. Champagne, strawberries…Oh my God! I can’t believe Chandler ordered porn on our wedding night! Joey: Yeah, that’s sad. Mashuga nut? Opening Credits Ross: Hi. Chandler: Hey. Soaps? Shampoos? Are you really taking all this stuff? Ross: Why not? It’s built into the price of the room. Chandler: Yeah but you don’t need——What is this? Ross: Thread! Chandler: Score! Where are the disposable cameras? Ross: What disposable cameras? Chandler: The cameras? Remember last night I told you to take them? Ross: No you didn’t. Chandler: Yes! Remember? Right before we cut the cake, I went up to you and I said… Ross: Oh-oh yeah, you-you came up to me and asked if I could do you a favor, and my Uncle Murray came up to you and handed you a check. And then you said, "Why do they call it a check? Why not a Yugoslavian?" Yeah, then you did that. Chandler: So you don’t have the cameras?! Ross: No. Sorry man. Chandler: So? What? What? They’re gone! Monica’s gonna freak! Ross: Well, I’m sure they’re still somewhere here in the hotel. I’ll-I’ll help you look for them. Chandler: Great. Ross: In-in three minutes. Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Are you gonna open the presents without Chandler? Monica: No! even crawled up into my lap. Oh come on, Chandler wouldn’t mind if I opened just one present! What do you think it is? Phoebe: A little mirror that when you look into it you see yourself as an old woman. Monica: A tiny salt shaker!!! Phoebe: Ohhh! My God! For tiny salt! Monica: Oh wow! Okay. Well that was fun. Phoebe: Oh yeah. Monica: Good. Okay, I’m just gonna wait for Chandler to open the rest of them. Phoebe: Okay. Monica: Whew. Although y’know, this is part of a salt and pepper set. I mean… I guess y’know it may just count as a half a present. What do you think? Phoebe: Well I guess it’s okay to open one more if it’s part of a set. Y’know, it’s probably this one. Monica: Or this one! Rachel: Hi. Monica: Hey, how are you feelin’? Any morning sickness? Rachel: Shh-shh-shh! The guys don’t know yet do they? Monica: No! Joey and Ross don’t know anything and Chandler still thinks that Phoebe’s pregnant. Phoebe: Yeah that’s right Chandler does still think I’m pregnant. He hasn’t asked me how I’m feeling or offered to carry my bags. Boy, I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him. After you of course. Rachel: Don’t worry I promise that you will only have to be pregnant for a few more hours, ‘cause I’m going to tell the father today. Phoebe: Ooh, is it someone in this building? Is it that tall guy from the first floor? Rachel: Ew! No! Phoebe: What?! I think he’s cute. Rachel: Well then you have his baby. Phoebe: Believe me I’m trying. Monica: Wow. Y’know it is so weird. I mean, you’re gonna tell this guy today and he has no idea what’s gonna happen. Phoebe: Yeah. You’re just gonna knock on his door and change his life forever. You’re like Ed McMahon except without the big check, or the raw sexual magnetism. Rachel: Yeah. Uh-huh, I guess it is pretty big news. Phoebe: Pretty big? It’s huge! God, this guy doesn’t have a clue! He’s just walking down the street thinking, ‘I had sex with Rachel Green. I rock!’ then bam! He’s a father and everything’s different. Rachel: Well it’s only different if he wants it to be. I mean, I’m not gonna ask him for anything. Phoebe: Okay. Then he still has this huge decision to make. Now he’s walking around thinking, ‘Do I want to be a dad?’ and then bam! Monica: What was that bam? Phoebe: I don’t. He got…he-he-he-he’s hit by a bus. Joey: Hey! Rachel: Hey Joey, what would you do if someone that you slept with told you that she was pregnant? Joey: I shoulda never walked into that Sunglass Hut! Rachel: Oh Joey! Joey! No, it’s not you! You didn’t get anybody pregnant! Joey: Oh. Why would you scare me like that? What the hell is going on? Is somebody pregnant? Phoebe: Oh yeah. That’s me. Joey: Oh my God Pheebs! You’re gonna have a baby? Phoebe: Yes. Yes I am. Oh my God, I’m gonna have a baby! Joey: Whoa, wait a minute. Who’s the father? Phoebe: You don’t know him. It’s not important. He wants nothing to do with me or the baby. Joey: Well who is this guy?! Huh? Who is he? ‘Cause I will track him down and kick his ass! Phoebe: David Lynn. Joey: David Lynn! David Lynn! David Lynn!! Monica: Who’s David Lynn? Phoebe: Oh some guy from my gym. A little annoying. Ross: Chandler? Chandler: Hey! Did you find the cameras? Ross: No. Did you? Chandler: Yes! And that’s why I’m under the table. Celebrating. Ross: Well I checked in the uh, lost and found, I talked to the manager, no-one’s turned them. Chandler: Well this is great. Y’know, those cameras were the only thing that was gonna cheer Monica up today, she’s really depressed. Ross: Now you guys just got married, why is she so depressed? Chandler: All my energy is going into not asking that question. I can’t believe I screwed this up! Ross: I’m sorry man. Here’s a thought. This is the same ballroom. There’s a band. There’s gonna be plenty of dressed up people. Chandler: Are you suggesting we dance our troubles away? Ross: No-no-no, I’m saying we-we buy more of this at the gift shop, throw our tuxes back on, and take a few pictures. All we have to do is make sure not to get anybody else’s faces. Chandler: Are you serious? Ross: I’m just thinking about your new bride at home. Okay? Do-do you really want to start your life together by letting her down? Chandler: Marriage advice? Really?! Ross: I’m telling you, this looks exactly like your wedding! Aren’t these the same flowers? Chandler: I don’t know, Monica picked out the flowers. Ross: What about the chairs? Chandler: She picked those out too. Ross: How about the place settings? Chandler: That was her. Ross: What did you do? Chandler: I was in charge of the cameras! Gift shop? Ross: Hmm. Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, did you do it yet? Rachel: Not yet. Phoebe: Oh, well what are you doing here? Are you about to do it? Is it Gunther? Rachel: No! Phoebe, it’s not Gunther. Phoebe: Thank God, ‘cause that hair on a baby… Rachel: Phoebe the father is not here okay? I haven’t told him yet and I don’t think I can tell him at all now! Phoebe: Why not? Rachel: I don’t know, let me think. I was walking down the street thinking, ‘I’m gonna tell the father today’ and then bam! Phoebe: Bus? Rachel: No, you! Phoebe you freaked me out. You kept saying how huge this all is! Phoebe: Well-well but it is huge. Rachel: I know, but I was just thinking about how huge this is for me. I didn’t even go to how huge this was going to be for the father. Phoebe: You’re thinking about this way too much. Just tell him and get it over with. It’s like, it’s like ripping off this Band-Aid. Oh mother of…See? Joey: Ooh-ooh-ooh! Are we opening presents? Monica: No! No! I shouldn’t have even opened these! I mean I—Joey I am out of control!! Joey, you have to do me a favor. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, please do not let me open another present! Okay? Joey: Okay. Monica: Give me one more. Joey: Okay. Phoebe: Hey. Joey: Oh good, uh you’re here. Uh Pheebs? Listen uh sit down. I-I got something I want to say. Phoebe: All right. Joey: Umm, now uh… It’s a scary world out there, especially for a single mom. Y’know, now I always thought you and I had a special bond so… Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me? Monica: Oh my God! Joey! Phoebe: Hell yeah! I’ll marry you! Monica: You can’t marry him! Phoebe: Hey lady, your day’s over! It’s my turn! Monica: Phoebe! Joey: Why?! Why can’t she marry me?! Phoebe: I can and I will! Monica: She’s not pregnant. It’s Rachel. Rachel’s the one who’s pregnant. Joey: Oh my God. Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Phoebe I think he would notice if you didn’t have a baby in nine months! Phoebe: It’s Joey! Joey: Who’s the father? Phoebe: We don’t know. Joey: Ohh… I wonder if that dude. Monica: There’s a dude? Joey: Yeah. Phoebe: Who? Who is it? Joey: About a month ago this guy spent the night with Rachel, I didn’t see who it was but… Phoebe: Was that story over? Joey: The guy left this. Phoebe: Monica: People have got to finish their stories! Commercial Break Chandler: Uh, excuse me? Could you take a picture of us? Woman At The Wedding: Oh! Of course. Man At The Wedding: Uh, would you take one of us? Chandler: Uhh… Yeah sure. Click! Woman At The Wedding: It didn’t click. Ross: I heard it. I heard it. Man At The Wedding: But there was no flash. Woman At The Wedding: Why won’t you take our picture? Chandler: Oh yeah. I’ll take, I’ll take your picture. Man At The Wedding: Uh, your finger was covering the lens. Chandler: Who are you? Ansel Adams?! Get outta here! Phoebe: Look, I feel really bad about how I freaked you out before, so I called the father and asked him to meet you here so you can tell him. Go! Rachel: What? Hey wait a minute! Phoebe, how do you even know who the father is? Phoebe: I may play the fool at times, but I’m a little more than a pretty blond girl with an ass that won’t quit. I believe this belongs to the father of your baby. Rachel: Oh God… Oh, he’s in there right now? Phoebe: Uh-huh. Now you can turn around or you can go in there and rip the Band-Aid off. What to you want to do? Rachel: Uh, let’s rip! Phoebe: Really? Are you sure? Rachel: Oh Phoebe! Phoebe: Okay, sorry. Yeah. Tag: Hey Rach. Chandler: Why don’t you go up on stage. I’ll get a picture of you doing the speech. Ross: Okay. Okay! Ross: Will the owner of a 1995 Buick LeSabre please see the front desk? Your car is about to be towed. Anxious Wedding Guest: That’s my car! Ross: A ’95 LeSabre?! Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes! Ross: A green LeSabre? Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes! Ross: I’m sorry, I meant a blue LeSabre. Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes! Green-blue! Ross: Well go! Go move it! Chandler: Okay, you ready for the last picture? Ross: Yeah. Chandler: Get ready to run. Tag: So, what’s this about? Phoebe: Rachel has something that she wants to tell you and umm, I believe that this is your red sweater. Tag: No. This is my red sweater. Phoebe: Oh no. Could I get anyone a coffee or…poison? No? Just for me? Okay. Tag: What’s going on Rach? Rachel: Nothing! Phoebe kinda made a mistake. But y’know you do wear that sweater a lot, are you involved in some kind of dare? Tag: Y’know, I’m actually glad Phoebe called. I know we broke up because you thought I wasn’t mature enough, but I’ve really grown up and think we should get back together. Rachel: Oh, it’s just not the right time. Tag: It is the right time. Rachel: Okay. Tag: I’m ready for more. Rachel: Tag… Tag: Come on Rach, let’s give it another try. Rachel: I’m having a baby. Tag: Oh. Rachel: You can go. Tag: Thank you. Monica: I don’t know how any of these got opened?! Joey: You opened them all? Monica: I know! I know! I am a terrible person! I mean, Chandler is never going to trust me with anything ever again! Joey: Oh hey! You got my parent’s gift! Monica: Yeah. What is that? Joey: Well, I don’t know. I think it does something to salami. Monica: Hey! How’d it go? Joey: Yeah. What-what did Tag say? Rachel: Tag is not the father! And Joey knows now? Joey: I do Rach. I do, and I so happy for you. Rachel: Oh wow, you didn’t even try to unhook my bra! Monica: So are you ever gonna tell whoever it is? Rachel: No, I will. I’m just not up for it tonight. Joey: Hey Rach listen, no matter what this guy says I want you to know you’re not gonna be alone in this. Rachel: I’m not? Joey: Listen I uh… Rachel Green will you marry me? Rachel: What? Monica: What?! Phoebe: What?!! Joey: Pheebs, give me the ring back! Phoebe: No!! Rachel: No! Joey, oh you’re so sweet. You’re so-so sweet, honey. But I’m not, I’m not looking for a husband. Joey: I understand. Rachel: Now, if you will excuse me I am going to go and lie down. Phoebe: I can’t say that didn’t hurt. But I’ll take you back Joey Tribbiani. Joey: Uh yeah. Pheebs, listen about that. I only offered… Phoebe: Ooh! A Salami Buddy! Joey: There you go! Chandler: We’re back! Monica: Great! We’re hangin’ in the kitchen! Let’s stay in the kitchen! Chandler: It’s picture time. Ross: Now you are going to love these. Chandler: Oh-ho, that is a picture of our first kiss as a married couple. Monica: Wow! That is a great picture! Chandler: Eh? Monica: Yeah! Oh and interesting because I found the cameras in one of our bags! Ross: Huh, didn’t see that coming. Chandler: Okay, so this isn’t a picture of our first, but it is a picture of my first kiss with…with this lady. Which by the look on your face I’m sure you’ll remember. So we don’t need——There’s no need to have this picture. How about I take the real pictures and get them developed right now. Monica: That would be a good idea. Chandler: Okay. You opened all the presents without me?! I thought we were supposed to do that together! Monica: You kissed another woman! Chandler: Call it even?! Monica: Okay! Ross: Well, I’m gonna go get these in some water. Phoebe: Wait you stole those from these people’s wedding? Ross: No-no, I took them from the hotel lobby. Yeah, they think they can charge me for some dirty movie and a bag of Mashuga nuts, they got another think coming. Hey! My sweater! I’ve been looking for this for like a month! Monica and Phoebe: Oh my God!! Joey: Oh my God! Closing Credits Ross: Hey! How you doing? Tag: Good! Good, long time no see. Ross: Yeah. Tag: Like your sweater. Ross: Oh hey, right back at ya. Tag: Oh, it’s crazy about Rachel huh? Ross: Yeah. She—Well, she’s one crazy lady? Tag: So whose is it? Ross: Umm, I don’t some Italian guy. Come on, read your own label. See you later. Tag: Okay. Ross: He is so weird. End Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Chandler: Hey! Babe! Aren’t you excited we’re going on our honeymoon? Monica: Yeah I am! Chandler: Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama… Monica: That’s right. Get it out of your system while we’re alone. Joey: Hey! Phoebe: Yeah! Have a great honeymoon! Chandler: I’d better go pack. Monica: Oh no, I already packed. The only thing I couldn’t find though was your Speedo. Chandler: A Speedo? Uh, I don’t have a Speedo. I’m gonna go pack my regular long bathing suit. Rachel: Oh good you’re still here! Monica: Hey! Rachel: I want to tell you to have a good honeymoon! Monica: Thank you. Rachel: And I also wanted you guys to know that I am telling the father today. What? What? What? Joey: We know its Ross! Rachel: How?! How do you know? Phoebe: It was his sweater, but—Oh my God! Rachel: Oh, I so wanted Ross to know first, but I’m so relieved you guys know. Monica: This is so great! And I’m gonna be your baby’s aunt! Rachel: I know! Phoebe: Me too! Joey: I’m gonna be an uncle! Come here! Rachel: You’re all gonna be aunts and uncles. Monica: Yeah, but I’m the only one related by blood. Rachel: Okay. Great! So now that you guys all know you can help me. Give me some advice on how I’m gonna tell Ross! Monica: Well, what were you gonna say? Rachel: Well I was gonna tell him that I’m-I’m gonna have the baby and he can be as involved as he wants. Joey: Well that, that sounds good. Rachel: Yeah but how do I start? I mean, what’s-what’s the first thing that I say? Monica: Hey! Good luck! Phoebe: Yeah, bye. Joey: Bye. Chandler: Hey, what was that all about? Monica: Well I guess there is no harm in telling you now, Rachel and Ross are gonna have a baby. Chandler: Why am I talking like this?! Monica: I didn’t think you could keep it a secret. Chandler: I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of our secrets. Joey: What secrets? Chandler: Oh no-no Joey, I am not going to tell you because I am an excellent secret keeper. Joey: You’ll tell me later? Chandler: You already know. Opening Credits Phoebe: Oh, it's so romantic to send people off on their honeymoon. Joey: Y’know, Monica and Chandler are married. Ross and Rachel are having a baby. Maybe you and I should do something. Phoebe: All in good time my love. All in good time. Oh shoot! I left my guitar in their apartment. Well you can let me in later. Joey: I don’t have a key, they took mine to give to you. Phoebe: What?! They took mine to give to you! Joey: Why would they take away our keys? Phoebe: Maybe they don’t trust us. Joey: No that’s not it. They let me keep my key the last time they were out of town. Phoebe: You mean the time you broke the ketchup bottle and cleaned it up with Monica’s guest towels? Joey: Hey, I washed those! Phoebe: No you didn’t. Joey: Yeah that didn’t sound like me. Phoebe: Well, what am I gonna do? I really need my guitar! Joey: Yeah, I have stuff in there too. Phoebe: What stuff? Joey: Monica’s chicken parm! I’ll take care of it. Ross: Hey! Phoebe: Did Rachel find you? Ross: No why? Phoebe: Oh she was looking for you. Ross: Oh well, I guess I’ll catch up with her later. Phoebe: Well, she really wanted to talk to you now. Joey: Yeah, it seemed pretty important. Ross: Oh no. Phoebe: What? Ross: I think I might know what this is about. Joey: Really? Ross: Yeah. Uh, uh we promised we weren’t gonna tell anybody this but uh, about a month ago Rachel and I slept together. Phoebe: And? Ross: Wow! I thought you would be a little more shocked. Phoebe: Oh sorry. And?! Ross: Well, we-we said we’d just do it that one time but, but now I think she may wanna start things up again. Joey: Yeah, I don’t think that’s what it is. Ross: Why? What-what else could it be? Joey: Oh wow, I don’t feel well. Ross: I’m telling you. I’m telling you. That’s what it is. No wonder she was looking at me all funny during the wedding. She didn’t say anything to you? Phoebe: Maybe it’s something you ate? Joey: Please, just-just, just go and talk to Rachel. Ross: Yeah, I guess I should. Ticket Agent: Next? Monica: They’re kissing let’s just go around them. Chandler: Oh honey, leave them alone, they’re in love. Monica: I’m in love too! But in an orderly fashion. Ticket Agent: Next? Monica: Hi! Can you do that and walk? ‘Cause she said, "Next." Woman: Sorry. We didn’t hear you; we’re on our honeymoon. Ticket Agent: Oh, let me see what I can do. There are some first class seats available. Monica: Did you hear that?! They bumped them up to first class because they are on their honeymoon! Come on! Let’s act like we’re on our honeymoon. Chandler: We are on our honeymoon. Monica: Grab my ass! Ticket Agent: Next? Monica: Hi, sorry. I almost didn’t hear you, because y’know I’m just so in love with my new husband. We’re on our honeymoon. Ticket Agent: Congratulations. Okay, Mr. Bing you’ll be in 25J and Mrs. Bing you’ll be in 25K. Monica: Oh no, you see we’re on our honeymoon. So umm, can you do your little thing and bump us up to first class? Ticket Agent: I’m sorry, all our first class seats are taken. That couple got the last two. Monica: You see, if we’d gone around them like I said, we—She would’ve given us those tickets. Damnit! Chandler: 25J and K, any chance those aren’t together? Joey: I still can’t believe they took away my key. You trust me with yours. Phoebe: Of course I do! And I’m gonna give it back to you as soon as they’re done with it at the key shining place. Joey: What the hell is that? (They go into the hallway and see Mr. Treeger watching one of New York’s bravest breakdown Monica and Chandler’s door with an ax.] Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Treeger, what are you doing? Mr. Treeger: You said there was a gas leak in here. Phoebe: Well why don’t you use your key? Mr. Treeger: Because by the time I find it on this thing Come on! Hurry up. Phoebe: Oh! We could have done that. Monica: Look at that! Look at that! They’re going into the first class lounge! Do you know what they have in there? Chandler: No. Monica: Me neither! We have to get in! Chandler: Just act like you belong. Monica: Oh my God! Oranges! Chandler: Shh! Airline Employee: Uh sir, may I see your tickets please? Chandler: Yes, of course. Airline Employee: I’m sorry, would you move your thumb? I can’t see the seat number. Chandler: Oh that’s all right, I have it memorized. It’s 1A. Airline Employee: Sir, this is not a first class ticket. I’m sorry. Chandler: Apology accepted. Excuse us. Airline Employee: Sir! I’m afraid I’m gonna have to ask you to leave. Monica: Fine. Go! Go! Go! Rachel: Hi! Ross: Hi. Rachel: Hi. Umm, I think there’s something that we really need to talk about. Ross: Look uh, I know why you’re here. Rachel: You do? Ross: Yeah, and to save you from any embarrassment umm, I think maybe I should talk first. Rachel: Okay. Ross: Okay. Uh, Ross and Rachel. Rachel and Ross. That’s been one heck of a see-saw hasn’t it? Rachel: What? Ross: I mean look, that-that one night we had was fun and…and certainly passionate, but don’t you think it’s better if we just stayed friends? Rachel: Seriously. What?! Ross: Okay. Okay. Y’know what? If you want to, we can do it one more time. I mean I’d-I’d be okay with that. In fact, I have some time right now. Rachel: Okay, y’know what? Can I, can I talk now? Ross: Oh sure. Rachel: And you’re the father by the way—but you got that… Commercial Break Rachel: Can I get you some water? Ross: I’m good. I’m good. Rachel: Ross, there is no pressure on you. Okay? I mean you can as involved as you want. Ross: Yeah, I need uh… I’m just—I don’t know—I don’t understand, umm, how this happened? We-we used a condom. Rachel: I know. I know, but y’know condoms only work like 97% of the time. Ross: What? What? What?!! Well they should put that on the box!!! Rachel: They do! Ross: No they don’t!!! Well they should put it in huge black letters!!!! Rachel: Okay Ross come on let’s just forget about the condoms. Ross: Oh well I may as well have! Rachel: Listen, y’know what? I was really freaked out too when I found out… Ross: Freaked out? Hey no, I’m not freaked out! I’m indignant! As a consumer! Rachel: Y’know what? Let’s, let’s talk later. Ross: No! No! I want to talk now! Okay? I—In fact, I am going to talk to the president of the condom company! Rachel: Okay, y’know maybe I should come back… Ross: Shh! Shh! Shh! Rachel: Okay. Ross: Mr. Treeger: I’ve looked everywhere. There’s no gas leak. Joey: Mr. Treeger: Anyway uh, I’ll get moving on that new door. Phoebe: Oh great! And listen, could you do us a favor and not tell Chandler and Monica about this? ‘Cause y’know umm, they don’t-they don’t have any kids of their own and-and this door was like a child to them. Mr. Treeger: Well I’m gonna have to put on a new lock, they’ll find out anyway. Phoebe: Oh no. Mr. Treeger: Hey Ross! Ross: Hi. Mr. Treeger: Could you tell Jasmine that I won't make it to yoga class today? Ross: Sure. Mr. Treeger: Namaste. Ross: Namaste. Ross: Oh my God! What happened to the door?! Joey: So it’s noticeable huh? Ross: Look, is Rachel here? I really need to talk to her. Phoebe: Didn’t you two already talk? Ross: Yeah but uh… Okay, okay look you guys know that Rachel and I slept together, but there’s something else. Rachel’s pregnant. Joey: Oh my God!!! I can’t believe that!! Phoebe: Holy mother of God!!! Ross: With my child. Phoebe: That is brand new information!! Ross: You already know don’t you? Phoebe: A little bit. Joey: How are you doing? Ross: Okay. Okay. I mean I’ll be okay. It’s just I don’t think I handled it very well. Joey: Well, what did you say to her? Ross: Nothing. But the complaint department at the condom company got an earful. And then when I turned around she was gone. Phoebe: Oh Ross. Ross: But hey, in my defense I-I just found out condoms are like only 97% effective. Joey: What? Ross: I gotta go find her. Joey: Whoa! Hey! Whoa!! Hold up! Are you serious?! So like 3% of the time they don’t even work?! Huh? They should put that on the box! Ross: Evidently they do. Joey: What?! Monica: I can’t believe we’re here. Chandler: Oh you’ve got to be kidding me. Monica: What? Front Desk Clerk: As a wedding gift to you, the hotel would like to give you the honeymoon suite. Monica: No!! You have been screwing us all day! Man: Who are you? Chandler: We’re you just ten seconds later! Monica: Yeah! You already got the first class tickets; you got the lounge! I mean we should get free stuff too! I mean you’re not the only ones on your honeymoon! Woman: Well you can have the suite if you want. We don’t care about where we stay. We’re here to celebrate our love together. We don’t have to get free stuff. We just want to be together. Chandler: We need the stuff. Joey: Hey Monica it’s Joey. Listen uh, Phoebe and I smell gas comin’ from your apartment. Monica: What? Are you serious?! Joey smells gas! Chandler: What else is new? Joey: Yeah and we’d go check it out, but you took away our keys. Monica: Well do something! Get in there! Joey: How? I guess I could break down your door. Monica: Yeah! Do that! Joey: And-and you won’t blame us for any damage? Monica: No! Are you doing it?! I don’t hear anything! Come on! Joey: Uh, okay I’ll-I’ll-I’ll break it down. Phoebe: Oh hey hi, he’s doing it. He’s breaking down the door. Nurse: Okay Rachel, are you comfortable? Rachel: If I said I was, would you judge me? Nurse: The doctor will be here in a minute to do your sonogram. Rachel: Okay. Oh man, I swear if they sold these at Pottery Barn… Ross: Hi! Rachel: Hi! Ross: Uh we-we need to talk. Rachel: Uh-uh-uh, right now? Because I’ve kinda got an el fresco situation going on over here. Ross: Please, please I want to apologize for the way I acted earlier today. Rachel: Okay Ross that’s fine, but can you please stand near my head? Ross: What? Oh yeah. really—I should have been thinking about you Rach… Rachel: Okay. Head Ross! Head Ross! Head Ross! Ross: Right! Right! I just—I want you to know that I’m going to be there through this whole thing, okay? Okay? The doctor’s appointments, the uh, the Lamaze classes, uh baby-proofing the apartment—Although we could probably worry about that ‘til after we get married. Rachel: What married? Ross: Well yeah, I think we should get married. Rachel: What, because that’s your answer to everything? Ross: No, because that’s the right thing to do. Rachel: Yeah, maybe if you’re in love. But Ross, we are not in love, are we? Ross: No but…but still you can’t possibly do this alone. Rachel: Excuse me? Ross: Come on Rach, you can’t even eat alone in a restaurant. Rachel: What?! Ross: I’m just saying if you can’t eat by yourself, how do you expect to have a baby by yourself? Rachel: I can too eat by myself! Ross: When have you ever? Rachel: When certain people leave the table and I am not finished! Ross: Well certain other people take two hours to eat a bowl of soup! Rachel: Oh please, you inhale your food! Ross: I grew up with Monica! If you didn’t eat fast you didn’t eat!! Dr. Long: Am I interrupting? Rachel: Oh no Dr. Long, please come in. This is Ross, he is the father. Ross: But not the husband, because evidently she can do this alone. Dr. Long: Huh. Nice to meet you. I’ll get started on this. Ross: I don’t know why you can’t admit that you need me. Rachel: I do need you! I need you to stand near my head! Dr. Long: Okay, everything looks good. Here it is on the screen. Here is your uterus. And right here is your baby. Ross: Oh my God. Rachel: Wow. There it is, I see it. Dr. Long: Congratulations. I’ll give you two a minute. Rachel: Okay. Ross: Thank you. Ross: Pretty amazing huh? Rachel: I don’t see it! Ross: What? What?! Rachel: I can’t see it! Ross: You-you just said that you did! Rachel: I know, I lied! I didn’t want her to think I was a terrible mother! I can’t even see my own baby! Ross: Oh sure, come here! . Rachel: Oh. Oh, it’s beautiful. I see it now. Ross: Do you really? Rachel: No, I don’t see it! Ross: Come on! Come on! Here, okay-okay, you see this? This tiny thing that looks like a peanut? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Sweetie that’s it. Rachel: That’s it? Well I saw that! Ohh-ohh-oh, thank you. Ross: You’re welcome. Rachel: Wow! I can’t believe that’s our baby. Ross: Yeah, that’s our baby. Closing Credits Rachel: Hi. Joey: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! So how was the doctor? Rachel: Oh, everything went great. Phoebe: Good. Ross: Oh hey, show them the picture of your uterus. Phoebe: Oh. Joey: I don’t see the baby. Where is it? Rachel: Oh no, I know I couldn’t see it either at first, but it’s right umm… Ross, I lost it again. Ross: Oh. (He takes the picture and hugs her. End Written by: Scott Silveri Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Chandler: Wait. Before we go in, I just want you to know I love you. I had a great time on our honeymoon, and I can’t wait to go in there and spend the rest of our life together. Monica: You’re really sticking with the shell necklace huh? Phoebe: Hi! Joey: Hey! You’re back! Monica: Hi sweetie! Phoebe: Come on in! Phoebe: So how was the honeymoon? Monica: Oh, so much fun. But the best part is, we met this incredible couple on the way back. Phoebe: That was the best part? Good honeymooning tiger. Monica: No, they were really cool. They were on their honeymoon too! Chandler: They’re terrific, and they live right here in the city. Monica: Yeah, can we go call them? Is it too soon to call? I wanna call. Chandler: I’m sorry, we’re just kinda excited because we finally have a couple to hang out with. Monica: I know. Joey: A couple? Like two people? Like , two people? Monica: This is different! Greg and Jenny are in a relationship. Phoebe: Oh, Greg and Jenny yuck! Hi Greg, I’m Chandler this is Monica. Hi Monica, this is Jenny. Hi Jenny. Hi Greg. Chandler: Listen, they are really great. If you just got a chance… Joey: Y’know what? Why don’t you just give us our souvenirs and get the hell out of here? Chandler: We really…didn’t get a chance to… Phoebe: You have got to be kidding me! Monica: We didn’t get anything for anyone. Joey: Hm-mm! Yeah nice necklace! Monica: That you can have. Opening Credits {Transcriber’s Note: Tradition was broken here as there were no commercials immediately after the opening credits, just more show.} Rachel: Hi! All: Hey! Ross: Hello! Rachel: Welcome home. Ross: So, how was the honeymoon? Monica: It was great! It was great! How about you?! I mean you’re having a baby! Rachel: Oh! Look! I have a sonogram picture! Monica: Oh great! Chandler: Ross! It’s got your wavy black lines! Monica: All right, so now that Ross knows can you tell us y’know how it happened? I mean, when did it happen? How many times did it happen? Phoebe: Monica! That’s not right! Start with where. Rachel: Well it happened about six weeks ago, and uh I had just got home from work and Ross was already there ‘cause I guess he had been hanging out with Joey. Joey: You’re welcome buddy. Ross: Rachel: And so I had a lot of work to do so Ross, nice guy that he is, offered to help me out. And then we had a little wine, we got to talking, and the next thing you know out of nowhere Ross comes on to me. Ross: Umm that’s…that’s a little misleading. Rachel: What is? Ross: The lie you just told. Rachel: That-that you came on to me? Ross: There’s the one! Rachel: But you did! I mean, let’s be honest. Ross: Yes let’s. Y’know what? Uh, it’s-it’s not important. What is important is that, is that we’re having a baby. And it’s not—Doesn’t matter who came on to who. Joey: Whom. That’s right. Rachel: You know you kissed me first. Ross: What? What?! You were begging me to kiss you! You-you-you were sending me signals all over the place! Rachel: I was sending you signals? Ross: Yeah! Rachel: Oh please. Okay, anyone in this room think that I would send Ross begging symbols, please show of hands. Ross: Y’know what?! It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter what you believe! What matters is what happened! Rachel: Okay. So these signals Ross, explain this to me, ‘cause maybe I need to be more careful. I mean, am I sending you these signals right now? Ross: Y’know what? Y’know what? Rachel, just-just drop it. Rachel: No please, show me how I begged you! Ross: I can show you, I have it on videotape! It’s an expression. Commercial Break Phoebe: I can’t believe he taped the two of them having sex! Joey: Yeah! You gotta tell a girl before you tape her. Such a rookie mistake. Chandler: Y’know who has a great video camera? Phoebe: Greg and Jenny? Monica: Do you still wanna call ‘em? I wanna call ‘em. Chandler: Let’s call ‘em. Joey: Yeah! Ask them if they brought their friends any souvenirs! Monica: Eighth street deli? Joey: Hey, hang up! You get food poisoning just talkin’ to that place. Monica: Chandler: Here you go. Monica: It’s the deli again! Joey: All right! I’ll have a sandwich! Monica: I don’t think this number’s right! Chandler: What? Phoebe: You got fake numbered. Monica: What?! People don’t do that! Joey: Oh I think we do. Monica: They gave us a fake number? Why? Why would they do that? Chandler: I don’t know! You were a delight to talk to. You asked all those insightful, great questions. Monica: And you’ve never been funnier. Joke, joke, joke, you were a hoot! Joey: Y’know what? Don’t worry about it, you still got me and Phoebe. Phoebe: Excuse me, I don’t want Greg and Jenny’s rejects. Ross: Rachel won’t talk to me! She won’t even open the door! Phoebe: Hmm, I wonder why. Pervert! Ross: Okay, listen I am not a pervert! Phoebe: That’s like the pervert motto! Yeah! Yeah! They have you raise your right hand, put your left hand down your pants, and repeat that! Ross: Filming Rachel is not something I planned. Okay look, here’s what happened, and Joey you-you can back me up on this. All right, about-about a month and a half ago I came to you with a problem? Umm, a personal thing. Joey: Personal thing? What personal thing? I don’t know. Ross: About…about sex? That I hadn’t had sex in months? Joey: Yeah I knew what you were talkin’ about. Six Weeks Earlier Ross: Hey! Joey: Hey. Ross: Do you have a minute? I’d like to talk to you about something I’m, I’m really uncomfortable talking about. Joey: Sure. What? About uh, you showering with your mom? Ross: I actually had a topic in mind! I’m, I’m kinda going through a dry spell, sex wise. Joey: Whoa, for like months? Ross: Five to be lying, six. Joey: Six months? Whoa that’s rough. Ross: Well, I mean it’s not all bad. I’m learning to appreciate the uh, smaller things in life. Like the sound of a bird and the color of the sky. Joey: The sky’s blue Ross and I had sex yesterday! Ross: Please, help me! I have a date tonight. It has to go well okay—I’m scared for my health! Joey: Okay. Okay. Umm…Ooh! Oh-oh, I got something. It’s this story I came up with, very romantic. I swear any woman that hears it; they’re like putty. Ross: Really? Well then tell it to me. Joey: Okay. Now you’re gonna want to have sex with me when you hear it, but you have to remember it is just the story. Ross: I’ll try to control myself. Joey: Okay. Years ago, when I was backpacking across Western Europe… Ross: You were backpacking across Western Europe? Joey: Have a nice six more months Ross! Ross: Okay! Okay! Okay. I’m sorry. Please, please, you were in Western Europe and? Joey: I was just outside Barcelona hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo. I was at the end of this path and I came to a clearing and there was a lake, very secluded. And there were tall trees all around. And across the lake I saw…a beautiful woman…bathing herself…but she was crying… Ross: Why? Kristen: Umm, this is great wine. Ross: It’s from France…In Europe…Western Europe. Y’know umm, a few years ago I actually was backpacking across Western Europe. Kristen: Really? Ross: Uh-hmm—Wait! It gets better. Um, yeah I was in Barcelona. Kristen: I studied for a year in Barcelona. Ross: Anyway, umm so I was um, I was hiking… Kristen: I love hiking! Ross: Oh that’s great! I was hiking along the foothills of Mount Tibidaybo… Kristen: I think its Tibidabo. Ross: Okay! Do you wanna tell the story?! Joey: Whoa! What are you doing here? How did your date go? Ross: Great! I’m across the street having sex with her right now. Your story sucks! Joey: Hey! Look, if it didn’t work it’s because you didn’t tell it right! Show me how you did it. Ross: No! No, I don’t…don’t want to. Joey: How long since you’ve seen a girl naked? Ross: I was backpacking across Western Europe. Joey: I’m not feeling it. Ross: I was just outside Barcelona, hiking… Joey: No! No! No Ross! I’m not hot! Are you hot? Ross: It’s been six months! I’m always hot! Joey: Well you’re not selling the story! It’s like; it’s like you don’t believe it! Look, I gotta go. I got a date, but try this. Do what I do when I’m preparing for an audition. Okay? I’ll set you up with my video camera and you can record yourself and-and see what you’re doing wrong. Ross: I’ll try that. Joey: All right now… All right, you’re all set up. You’re good to go. Just hit record. All right? Ross: Thanks. Joey: Good luck. Ross: Thanks. And-and hey Joe? Joey: Yeah? Ross: Listen, if you ever have any problem with the ladies you know I’ll help you out. Joey: Ross: Hello! Can I get you anything? Huh? Lens cleaner? Your battery okay? Rachel! Rachel: Oh Ross! Ross: Hi! Rachel: Thank God you’re here! You have to help me! Were you just talking to yourself? Ross: That’s less embarrassing, yes. Yes I was. Ross: So when she came in, I got distracted and totally forgot about the camera. It kept rolling and recorded everything. Chandler: Yeah, we’re gonna need to see that tape. Monica: Yeah, definitely. Ross: What a great idea! That will get Rachel to forgive me! Joey: Y’know what? This is not fair to her. Let’s just forget the tape! Ross: Thank you. No! Joey: You’re right. Ross: Joey! No! Joey: Loud and clear! Monica: I still don't get why Greg and Jenny would give us a fake number. Joey: Y’know, if they knew what they were doing they probably didn’t give you real names either. Monica: Okay, maybe people give out fake numbers, but they don’t give out fake names. Joey: Oh yeah? Hi, Ken Adams, nice to meet you. Phoebe: Regina Philange. Chandler: I still don’t get it, we didn’t do anything wrong. Monica: I know! Although, you did tell an awful lot of jokes. Chandler: I thought you said those jokes were funny. Joke! Joke! Joke! Monica: Chandler: Well maybe it was all of your questions. Monica: What about my questions? Chandler: The sheer volume, it was like flying with the Riddler! Monica: Oh, I’m sorry. Was that another joke? Chandler: Was that another question? Rachel: Hey! Is Ross still here? Joey: Uh no Rach, he’s gone. But listen, he told us what happened and it does, it sounds like an honest mistake. Rachel: Oh really? Well how would you like it if I had sex with you and I taped it? Oh there he is now, the father of my child, the porn king of the west village. Ross: Look, it was accident! Okay? I-I feel bad that it happened, but I swear, I didn’t even watch it! Anyway, here. Rachel: Thank you. You don’t want to see this do you? Monica: Hell yeah!!! Rachel: I am not gonna show you this! Phoebe: No! Not the sex part, just the stuff leading up to it. Ross: Forget it, she’s destroying it. Phoebe: Okay fine! Fine! We’ll just have to think of some other way to put the whole ‘Who came onto who,’ thing to rest! Come on now, think!! Ross: Look, forget it Phoebe. Okay? It’s Rachel’s tape and she can do whatever she wants with it. And she wants to destroy it. So, end of story. Rachel: I wanna see it. Ross: What?! Rachel: Clearly you don’t want people to see this tape. Now I don’t want people to see this tape either, but you so badly don’t people to see it makes me want to see it. You see? Joey: Are we watchin’ the tape or not?! Ross: I don’t want people to see it for your sake. Rachel: Ahh, I don’t believe you. I think you don’t want them to see you begging me. Ross: Rachel, please… Rachel: Ah, a little preview! Ross: Fine. Fine, but I want the record to show that I tried to take the high road, because in about five minutes I’m gonna be saying… Rachel: Okay, here we go. Ross: Hello! Can I get you anything? Joey: I’m so happy! Commercial Break Rachel: Oh, thank God you’re here! You have to help me! Were you just talking to yourself? Rachel: There I am. Phoebe: You’re gonna get pregnant. Rachel: I screwed up so bad, I told Monica that I would stuff and send all these wedding invitations like weeks ago and I-I… Ross: You didn’t do it? Rachel: I-I know—I had put them in…in-in my desk at work and I completely forgot about them until today. Monica: Sweetie okay. It’s okay. Everybody made it to the wedding. I’m fine. Rachel: Kinda hurtin’ my hand though. Monica: I know. Rachel: Whoa oh! Oh-oh-oh! Oh…oh-oh-oh… Chandler: Did you do it on our invitations?! Ross: Not on the ones we sent out. Chandler: So, just the ones gave back to us and we had framed! Rachel: Can you believe this is already happening? I mean it seems like yesterday they just got engaged. Ross: I know. Hey remember…remember the night they got engaged? How uh, you and I almost… Rachel: Oh, I remember how we almost. Do you think we would’ve gone through with it? Y’know, if we hadn’t gotten caught. Do you think we would’ve done it? Ross: I mean I…I know I wanted to. I just, I just wasn’t sure if you wanted to. Rachel: Oh I wanted to. Ross: So we…we both wanted to. Rachel: Interesting. Ross: Anyway umm, it probably worked out for the best. Rachel: Oh yeah, sure. Rachel: Okay, in about ten seconds you’re gonna see him kiss me. Ross: And in about five seconds you’re gonna see why. Rachel: Ross did I ever tell you about the time that I went backpacking through Western Europe? Rachel: Okay, get ready to see some beggin’! Phoebe: Oh, you came on to Ross! Rachel: What?! Ross: Now I’m so happy. Rachel: What are you talking about?! Monica: You used the Europe story! Chandler: That’s the magic story you use when you wanna have sex! Rachel: How do you know about that story?! Joey: How do you know about that story?! Rachel: I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy! Joey: Rachel: No. No, she told me his name was Ken Adams. Joey: Ken Adams!! Ross: Hi. Rachel: So uh, apparently people are familiar with the Europe story? Ross: Yeah. Listen about that, the whole uh, who came on to who thing really doesn’t matter. I mean, I think it would’ve happened either way. I mean if you hadn’t initiated it I-I-I know I would’ve. Rachel: It was an amazing night. Ross: It was. It was an amazing night. Rachel: You think it looked amazing? Ross: I uh… I don’t know. I mean I…I honestly didn’t watch it. Rachel: Yeah, me neither. Yet… Ross: Uhhhhhh…that-that may be weird. Rachel: Yeah, it would be really weird. Ross: Good luck. Rachel: Good luck to you. Ross: Mind if I mute? Rachel: Oh please. Ross: Oh, oh there go the clothes. Rachel: You are undressing very quickly. Ross: Six months Rachel, six months. Ross and Rachel: Ah. Oh. Ross: Hey. We-we look…we look pretty good. Rachel: That’s what I was gonna say. Ross: Oh nice tan! Rachel: Thank you! I had just gone to the beach that weekend. Ross: Ah…. Rachel: Have you been working out? Ross: I have been working out. Rachel: Really? Wow, this is so much better than I… Ross and Rachel: Ohh! Ew! Ross: Oh that’s not pretty. Rachel: Oh! Oh! Ross: No! Rachel: Oh God! Ross: Oh no! Rachel: Oh, make it stop! Ross: Oh no!! Rachel: Make it stop!! Ross: No!! Rachel: Have to make it stop!! Ross: No!!! Closing Credits Monica: That is their old number! Jenny’s been giving it out since they moved! Chandler: Jenny! That is so Jenny! Monica: Okay! End Written by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Monica: Okay, now this one is rare, this one is medium well! Now go-go-go! Hey Phoebe! Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey how was dinner?! Phoebe: Dinner was good! Monica: Okay! Phoebe: I’m just saying hi! Now I’m gonna go! Monica: Okay! Phoebe: Oh, well hello there. Guy: Hi. Phoebe: I didn’t see this on the menu. Monica: Uh Tim? This is Phoebe. Phoebe this is Tim, my new sous chef. Phoebe: Oh, so you're Monica’s boss? Tim: Actually she’s my-my boss. Sous is French for under. Phoebe: Oh! I sous stand. Monica: Hey Tim? I need a calamari and a Caesar salad. And umm, could you get me the pesto? Tim: Yeah. Phoebe: Oh you…you made pesto? Tim: Yes I did. Phoebe: Would you say your pesto is the best-o? Tim: I…I-I don’t know, but I would say it’s pretty good-o. Monica: All right, I still need a calamari and a Caesar salad. Tim: I like your necklace. Phoebe: I made it myself. Tim: You are so talented. Phoebe: Well, it’s no pesto. Monica: All right, all right! Let’s just cut to the chase, okay? I did not yell. I am not putting a dollar in the jar. Opening Credits Mr. Franklin: Wow Bing! Burning the midnight oil. Chandler: You know me sir. Oh ah, I do have a question for ya. Do you know how I get around the office computer network so I can access the really good Internet porn? Mr. Franklin: You’re a joker Bing. Chandler: What’s funny about that? Ross: Hey! Sorry I kept you waiting so long. Chandler: Hey that’s okay. So, where do you want to go? Ross: Oh ah, I think you know where I want to go. Chandler: The Hard Rock Caf�? Ross: Yeah! Chandler: Again?! Ross: Yeah!! Ross: I’m telling you, I like the food! Chandler: You like the Purple Rain display! Hey Bob. Bob: Hey Toby! Have a good night. Ross: Did that guy just call you Toby? Chandler: Yeah, he thinks that’s my name. Ross: Well, why don’t you correct him? Chandler: Oh it’s been going on way to long now. Y’know, I mean the first time he said it we were just passing each other in the hallway, so I didn’t say anything. And then the next time he said, "Hey Toby, do you want a donut?" And I-I wanted a donut. And now it’s five years later, the donut’s gone and I’m still Toby. Ross: Five years?! Chandler you have to tell him! Chandler: No! That would be so awkward! Look—Besides, we work in different departments. He’s on the sixth floor y’know? So he calls me Toby once in a while. What’s the big deal? It could be worse, it’s not like he’s calling me Muriel. Ross: Oh my God! Chandler M Bing? It’s not just an M, your middle name is Muriel!! Chandler: Shh! It is a family name! Ross: Chandler Muriel Bing. Boy, your parents never gave you a chance did they? Joey's Co-Star: Drake, I’ve discovered the reason for all your headaches and memory loss. Dr. Drake Ramoray: What is it? Joey's Co-Star: Apparently your brain transplant was not entirely successful. It seems your body is rejecting Jessica’s brain. Dr. Drake Ramoray: Is it serious? Joey's Co-Star: Not if we extract tissue from the original host body, synthesize antibodies, and introduce them into your system, which could stop it from rejecting the brain. Dr. Drake Ramoray: Well that sounds simple enough, let’s just do that. Joey's Co-Star: We would, but when we went to exhume Jessica’s body, it was gone. Director: Cut! Very nice people! Joey: Okay, let me just get changed and we can go to dinner. Rachel: Well don’t—What happened to Jessica’s body?! Joey: I’m not telling, you’ll have to see it on TV! Rachel: You don’t know do you? Joey: No, couldn’t care less. Joey's Co-Star: Hey good scene man. Joey: Hey you too! Joey's Co-Star: Alright. Joey: What? You weren’t in it. Rachel: Oh! Joey: Oh sorry. Uh-uh, Kash? Kash: Yes? Joey: This is my friend Rachel. Rachel, Kash, Kash, Rachel. Rachel: Hi. Kash: Hey! How come I haven’t seen you here before? Rachel: Well, Joey probably thinks I’ll just embarrass him. Y’know, he thinks I’m some kind of a soap opera nut—Which I’m not! I’m not. Although I do know that your uh, your favorite ice cream flavor is butter pecan. And uh, and that your-your dog’s name is Wally. Well look at that, I’m just stroking your arm. Joey: Rachel: Oh, we’re leaving. Bye Kash. Kash: Bye. Rachel: Say hi to Wally. Phoebe: Ooh Monica! Monica: Hi! Phoebe: Oh my God! I had the best time with Tim last night. He is so sweet! Oh, I can’t wait to get sous-neath him. Monica: I…I have to fire him. Phoebe: But why?! Monica: Because he’s terrible! Okay, he’s slow, he burns things, last night he lit my pastry chef on fire! Phoebe: Well maybe he was just nervous, y’know you can be very intimidating. And besides I’ve met your pastry chef and she can stand to be taken down a peg or two. Monica: Well, now she has no eyebrows, mission accomplished. Phoebe: But Monica, he loves his job so much! Can you just give him another chance? Please? Monica: All right, but if-if he lights someone else on fire he is out of there! Phoebe: That’s fair! Thank you so much. Thanks. Oops, it looks like when he got the pastry chef he got you a little bit too. Monica: I paid to have this done. Phoebe: Love it! Joey: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Joey: Oh you know uh Kash, really liked you the other day. He said he thought you were charming. Rachel: I thought I was a complete idiot. Joey: Hey, I’m with you. He even asked me if I thought you’d go out with him. Rachel: Oh! Oh, I think I’m gonna throw up a little bit. What did you say? Joey: I said no. Rachel: What?! Joey: What? I…I just figured since you’re pregnant you’re not gonna be seeing people. Rachel: Okay Joey, first of all Kash Ford is not people. Second of all, what did he say when you told him I was pregnant? Joey: I didn’t tell him. I didn’t know if you were telling people. This is back when I thought Kash was still people. Rachel: Good-good, don’t tell him. Don’t tell him. Just have him call me okay? Joey: Rach look, I really don’t think that’s such a great… Rachel: Okay, you go do it! I’ll come back to that set! I’ll meet more actors! I’ll meet ‘em all! Chandler: Hey Bob. Bob: Hey! How’s my pal Toby doing today? Chandler: If I see him, I’ll ask. Bob: Toby! Mr. Franklin: Hey-hey! Bing? Was that Bob from six you were just talking too? Chandler: Yeah! Mr. Franklin: Oh then you know each other. Chandler: We’re on a semi-first name basis. Mr. Franklin: What do you think of adding him to our team? Chandler: Bob? Ooh, working here with us? Everyday? Yeah, I don’t know if he has what it takes. Mr. Franklin: Really? They love him down on six. Chandler: But this is eleven. It’s almost twice as hard up here. Mr. Franklin: Okay, I hear you loud and clear. Bob will stay put. Chandler: I think it’s best sir. Mr. Franklin: But we really do need to find someone up here. The work is starting to pile up. I’ve got a stack of documents on my desk this high. Chandler: Y’know what you should do, just toss ‘em in the shedder and claim you never got ‘em. Mr. Franklin: Chandler: What does a guy have to do to be taken seriously around here?! Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey. Okay, I gave him another chance, but Tim has got to go! Phoebe: But… Monica: No! No-no! He is totally incompetent. I called the chef who recommended him to me. He said, "Ha-ha! Gotcha!" Phoebe: Okay. Okay, but you can’t fire him today. Monica: Why not?! Phoebe: Because I’m dumping him today. Monica: What?! You said he was sweet! Phoebe: He is sweet. He’s too sweet. He calls me all the time. "So did-did you get home from work okay?" "Did-did you get out of the shower okay?" Monica: Just don’t pick up your phone. Phoebe: Then he comes over! "I’m so worried about you." Uck! Be a man! Monica: What? So now I’m not allowed to fire him? Phoebe: You can’t fire him and dump him the same day, he’ll kill himself. Monica: Okay well then, I’ll fire him today and you go out with him for another week. Phoebe: Are you kidding?! Another week with that sip, I’ll kill myself! Monica: Okay well, then we’ll both do it today and he’ll just have to deal with it! Phoebe: Okay. But the question is who’s gonna go first. ‘Cause whoever goes second is the bitch. Monica: What do you mean? Phoebe: Come on! The boss that fires a guy that’s just been dumped, bitch! And the woman who dumps a guy that’s just been fired, blond bitch! Monica: I wanted to do this days ago so I think I should go first. Phoebe: All right, that makes sense. Bob: Hey Toby, you got a sec? Chandler: Sure, what’s up? Bob: I just had a meeting, I was actually hoping to get transferred up here, but I just found out its not gonna happen. Apparently somebody thinks I’m not eleventh floor material. Say uh, who the hell is this Chandler? Rachel: Hey, what do you think is a better excuse for why I’m not drinking on this date tonight. "Umm, I’m a recovering alcoholic. I’m a Mormon," or "I got so hammered last night I’m still a little drunk?" Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Joey: Hey! Ross: So, what do you want to do tonight? There’s a Ukrainian film at the Angelica that’s supposed to be very powerful. Interested? Joey: No. No. But I’ll go see a normal person movie with ya. Ross: Rach? You wanna come? Rachel: Oh no, I can’t. I got a date. Ross: A date? Rachel: Yeah. Why? Is that weird for you? Ross: Why no, it’s the opposite of weird. It’s-it’s uh, regular. It’s-it’s uh, it’s mundane. It’s actually uh, a little dull. Joey: It’s no Ukrainian film. Rachel: Yeah—Ooh! Earrings! Ross: A date?! She’s-she’s got a date?! With who? Joey: I set her up with this actor on my show. Ross: You set her up?! Joey: No Ross: Joey what-what were you thinking?! Joey: Well, I was thinking that it’d probably be okay because Ross hasn’t gone out with Rachel in five years! Ross: Joey, I’m not worried about her! I’m worried about my baby! Whoever she dates my baby dates! Now-now where is this actor taking them? Joey: Hey! I’m an actor too! I’m not sure. I think they’re taking the ferry out to some Italian place on Staten Island. Ross: A ferry? My baby is going on a ferry? Do you have any idea how dangerous those are?! Joey: Are we talking about one of those big boats that carry cars that go like five miles an hour? Ross: Why don’t they just jump out of an airplane?! Huh?! That-that’s a fun date! Or burn each other with matches?! That’s fun too! Whew!! Kash: Hey Joey. Joey: Hey Kash. Uh hey-hey this is Ross. Ross, this is Kash. Kash: Hey. Ross: Hi. I-I hear you’re going on a ferry tonight. Kash: Yeah. Ross: A bit of a daredevil are we? Rachel: Hey guys do you think this is too slutty—Hi Kash! Kash: Hey Rachel! You ready to go? Rachel: Yeah! All right, I’ll see you guys later. Ross: Okay. Have a great time you guys. Rachel: Thank you. Kash: Thank you. Ross: Yes it is too slutty! Commercial Break Tim: Phoebe: Hi. Tim: Oh, I’m so glad you called. I feel like it’s always me calling you. So, what’s up? Is everything okay with Phoebe? Phoebe: It will be…in a minute. Listen, Tim you’re a really great guy. Tim: It’s because I’m with you. Phoebe: Aw. I’m just—I’m in a place in my life right now where I…I… Tim: Whoops. Sorry. Phoebe: Oh-oh no she doesn’t! I know what that is. You can stay. Tim: Awww, I’ll miss you too Pheebs. Joey: So what movie do you want to see—And not another one I have to read. Okay? I get enough of that from books. Ross: Books? Joey: All right, car magazines, cereal boxes, but it’s like enough! Ross: Well, I tell you what. Why don’t we uh, why don’t we just stay here? Let’s not see a movie, we’ll just hang. Joey: And just wait for Rachel to come back from her date? Ross: Hey, if that’s what you want to do I’m not gonna say no. Joey: Dude! What is going on?! Ross: I just…I have to find out how it went. Joey: Why? Ross: This guy could be my baby’s stepfather! Joey: They go on one date and you’re worried about them getting married?! He’s not you! Ross: I just—I-I can’t believe she’s-she’s dating?! Joey: Well Ross, what did you think she was gonna do? Ross: I don’t know! I guess I just can’t believe any of this is happening. Joey: What do you mean? Ross: It’s just I always thought when I had another kid it would be different. Now I-I love Ben, but every time I have to drop him off at Carol and Susan’s, it’s like—It breaks my heart a little. I mean I’ve always had this picture of me and my next wife in bed on Sunday and, my kid comes running in and leaps up onto the bed. And we all read the paper together. Y’know? Maybe fight over the science section. Joey: That’s a nice picture. Maybe you can still have that! Ross: No! No I can’t. I mean Rachel’s out with some guy. My baby went with her. If anything that picture keeps moving further away. Joey: Hey, can I ask you something? In this, in this picture of you and your wife, is your wife Rachel? Ross: It used to be. Now she doesn’t really have a face. Smokin’ body though. Joey: Good call. Yeah. But, the face Ross, the face isn’t Rachel. Ross: No but ahh! How much easier would it be if it were? Joey: I know, but I don’t think that’s what she wants. Ross: No, it’s not what I want either. I mean I-I can’t force myself to fall in love with her again now. Joey: That’s okay Ross maybe you need a new picture. Okay? It’s not gonna be what you thought, but no matter what there’s gonna be a brand new little baby, your baby. Who cares what the picture looks like? Ross: Yeah. Joey: Hey, I tell you what. Let’s you and me go out and have some fun. Huh? Whatever you want. Come on! Ross: We can still catch that Ukrainian film. Joey: No, I said fun! Bob: Hey Toby! Chandler: Hey Bobby. Bob: It’s Bob actually. Hey, you work up here, can you tell me where this Chandler Bing’s office is? Chandler: Uhh yeah. Yeah, it’s Right there, yeah. Can I ask you why? Bob: I want to talk to that bastard, see what his problem is. Chandler: Okay Bob listen uhh, I’m the reason you didn’t get the job up here. Bob: Toby don’t. Chandler: Bob! Bob: Toby! I’m not gonna let you cover for him. Anything you say right now will just get me more upset with Chandler! Chandler: Well that puts me in a difficult position. Monica: Hey. Tim: I got your page, is everything okay? Monica: Uh well that depends, how are things with Phoebe? Tim: Oh it’s great! It’s great! Thank you so much for introducing us! Monica: Oh my pleasure. Okay, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. Phoebe! Phoebe: Monica! Monica: You’re fired! Phoebe: I’m breaking up with you! Tim: What? Phoebe: I’m, I’m breaking up with you. Monica: You’re fired. Tim: Why? Phoebe: I’m sorry, I’m just—I’m…I’m just not ready for a relationship right now. Monica: Yeah and-and I’m sorry too. But, well I just—I like things done a certain way and the chemistry’s just not right. Phoebe: Oh that’s good, the chemistry thing for us too. Tim: Wow! Umm, okay. Umm… Monica: Tim wait! Tim: Yeah? Monica: Umm, I think I spoke too quickly. There-there’s a learning curve with this job and maybe we can try it again. Tim: Really? Monica: Yeah. Tim: Thank you so much! ‘Cause I-I know I can do better! Monica: Okay. Phoebe: And Tim I just wanna say, good luck here. Ross: Hello. Rachel: Hi! Ross: Well, how was the date? Rachel: Well I’m alone and I just bought fifteen dollars worth of candy bars, what do you think? Ross: Uh-huh. What happened? Rachel: I made the mistake of telling him that I was pregnant. Ross: Ah, he didn’t uh, take it so well? Rachel: Well better than you, but y’know still not what you want. Ross: Oh? Rachel: He got all weird and sputtery and then he said uh, "Yeah, I hear those hemorrhoids are a bitch." Ross: He sounds swell. Rachel: Doesn’t he? Ross: Hey, wanna…wanna a little cheering up? Rachel: Yes. Ross: Sit down. Rachel: Okay. Ross: Guess whose middle name is Muriel. Rachel: Chandler M. Bing? Ross: Yeah-ha! Rachel: Oh my God. Ross: I’m sorry about your date. Rachel: Oh it’s all right. I’m guess I’m just done with the whole dating thing. It’s one more thing in my life that’s suddenly completely different. This is hard. Ross: Yeah I know. On the other hand in um, in about seven months you’re gonna have something that you’re gonna love more than any guy you’ve ever gone out with. Just wait. Wait until uh, wait until the first time your baby grabs your finger. You have no idea. Rachel: Thanks sweetie. Ross: You wanna, you wanna grab some coffee? Rachel: Oh no, I think I’m gonna go home and eat ten candy bars. Ross: Hey, I thought I cheered you up. Rachel: Oh you did, there are twenty in here. Ross: Right. Good night. Rachel: Good night. Mona: Ross? Ross: Yeah? Mona: Hey it’s Mona! From the wedding. Ross: Oh hi! Mona: Hi! Ross: Wow! Uh…how are you? Mona: I’m good except umm, you still owe me a dance. Ross: Oh that’s right. Well uh, would you be interested in seeing a Ukrainian film? Mona: Oh you’re serious. Sure! Ross: Great! Well umm… Mona: I think I might need one more cup of coffee. Ross: Sure! Uh, let me get it for ya. Mona: Okay. Dedicated to the Memory of Richard L. Cox, Sr. Closing Credits Chandler: What the hell are you doing?! Bob: I just found out this is Chandler’s office! Come on Toby, give me a hand! End Written by: Mark Kunerth Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Monica: Hey you guys? Ross: What? Monica: I know it’s last minute, but we decided to have a Halloween party. Phoebe: Oh good! Monica: And everybody has to wear costumes. Come on! It’ll be fun! Ross: Well, I’ll-I’ll be there. I mean I have to wear a costume to all my classes that day anyway so… Rachel: Please tell me you’re not gonna dress up like a dinosaur. Ross: Not two years in a row. Joey: Look, I’ll come to the party but I’m not dressing up. Monica: You have to! Joey: No way! Look, Halloween is so stupid! Dressing up, pretending to be someone you’re not… Chandler: You’re an actor! Monica: So Ross, are you gonna bring Mona? Ross: Yeah. Yeah, I think I will. Joey: That hot girl from their wedding? Ross: Yeah. Joey: Well hey-hey if she needs any idea for costumes, she could be a bikini model, or a slutty nurse, or a sexy cheerleader huh—Ooh-ooh, Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre—No-no-no! Slutty Leatherface. Phoebe: Now wasn’t Joey hitting on her at the wedding too? Ross: That’s right! He was hitting on her, and I got her. I guess the better man won. Please don’t take her from me. Opening Credits Phoebe: Ursula! Wait! Err-err, it’s me! Phoebe! Ursula: Oh, I thought there was a mirror there. Okay, bye-bye. Phoebe: Wait a second! So, what’s new with you? Ursula: Umm, nothing. I mean, I’m getting married next week. Phoebe: What?! Ursula: Yeah! Yeah, it’s gonna be a small ceremony. Just family. His. Phoebe: Huh. Okay. Well, I’m really happy for you. Ursula: Wait! If umm, if you want to come, I guess that’d be okay. Phoebe: Really? Ursula: Sure! Why not? You could be my sister for the day. Phoebe: Yeah. Okay. Umm, y’know, my friends are having a Halloween party tonight at my old apartment so, you could come. Maybe I could meet the guy you’re marrying. Ursula: Huh. Well, I’m supposed to be working at the restaurant tonight. I’m supposed to be working right now, so who cares. Phoebe: By the way, it’s a costume party. Ursula: Oh! Okay, so that’s why you’re… Phoebe: Rachel: Hi! Monica: Wait! You’re supposed to wear a costume! Rachel: I am! I am a woman who spent a lot of money on a dress and she wants to wear it, because soon she won’t be able to fit into it. Monica: Oh. Rachel: Ahh! Monica: I’m Catwoman, who wants to borrow the dress when you’re too big for it. Rachel: Okay. Kids: Trick or treat! Rachel: Oh! Oh! Can I give out the candy? I really want to be with the kids right now. Y’know, ever since I got pregnant I-I have the strongest maternal instincts. Kids: Trick or treat!! Rachel: Witch: Thank you. Rachel: And you are a very funny clown. Clown: Thank you. Rachel: And you are so in style right now. Y’know, I work at Ralph Lauren and the whole fall line has got this like equestrian theme going on. I don’t suppose you saw the cover of British Vogue, but… Cowgirl: Can I just have the candy? Rachel: Yeah. Sure. Phoebe: Ah, Catwoman. So we meet again. Monica: So we do Supergirl. Phoebe: No, it’s me. Phoebe! Chandler: Monica! Can I talk to you for a second? Listen, I appreciate you getting me the costume… Rachel: Oh, you did this to him? Monica: What?! I thought he’d love it! His favorite kid's book was the Velveteen Rabbit! Chandler: The Velveteen Rabbit was brown and white! Monica: Well, it was either a pink bunny or no bunny at all. Chandler: No bunny at all!! Always no bunny at all!!! Joey: Hey! Monica: You didn’t dress up either?! Joey: Yes I did! I’m Chandler. Dude, what happened? Chandler: How is that me? Joey: Okay. I’m Chandler Phoebe: That is so you! Chandler: When have I ever done that?! Joey: When have I ever done that?! Girl: Trick or treat! Rachel: Oh! Well you’re just the prettiest ballerina I’ve ever seen. Ballerina: Thank you. Rachel: Oh wow! That deserves another piece of candy. Ballerina: Thank you. Rachel: Well, I have to say that earns tutu pieces of candy. Ballerina: I love you! Rachel: Ohh… Oh, honey here. Take it all. Monica! We need more candy? Monica: What?! There’s only been like four kids. Rachel: Yeah I know, but one of them just said that she loved me so I just gave her everything. Phoebe: No wonder your pregnant. Ross: Rachel: Hey. Monica: What are you supposed to be? Ross: Remember the Russian satellite, Sputnik? Spud-nik. Spudnik! Chandler: Wow! I don’t have the worst costume anymore! Joey: Hey all right, Ross came as doody. Ross: No, I-I’m not doody. Monica: No, space doody! Eric: Aren’t you gonna give me a kiss? Phoebe: Okay, I will. But right after you tell me who the hell you are. Eric: Ursula? Phoebe: Ursula’s fianc�e? Eric: Oh my God, you’re the sister! Phoebe: Yeah. Eric: Okay, I just slapped my future sister-in-law’s ass. Phoebe: Yeah. Eric: I’m an idiot. Uh, is your mother here? Maybe I can give her a little slap on the butt. Phoebe: My mother killed herself. Eric: She, now I knew that and…now I’m sweating. Look at me, I’m really sweating—Now I’m saying, "Look at me," I’m getting even sweatier. I think I probably should go. Phoebe: No-no! That’s okay, we’ll just start over. Okay? Hi! I’m Phoebe. Eric: Eric. Phoebe: Why are you looking at me like that? Eric: ‘Cause the sweat’s getting in my eyes and its burning. Phoebe: Okay. So, what are you? Eric: I don’t think they have a name for it. It’s just I get nervous; I start sweating like crazy. Phoebe: No I-I meant your costume. Eric: Oh umm, I’m the solar system. Yeah, my students helped me make it—I teach the second grade. Phoebe: I love the second grade! Eric: Really? Phoebe: Yeah! It’s so much better than first grade when you don’t know what’s going on and definitely better than third grade. Y’know with all the politics and mind games. Eric: So what do you do? Phoebe: Umm, I’m a masseuse…by day. Eric: Y’know you don’t have to stand here with me, believe me… Phoebe: No I’m having fun. I’m really—And I’m really-really excited for you and Ursula. Eric: Oh I feel very lucky, she’s great. I think she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. Phoebe: Thank you. Monica: Hey Joey? Joey: Yeah. Monica: You read comic books right? Joey: Exclusively. Monica: Who do you think would win in a fight, Catwoman or Supergirl? Joey: Catwoman, hands down. Monica: Yeah… Joey: But between you and Phoebe, I’d have to give the edge to Phoebe. Monica: What?! Really?! Joey: Are you kiddin’? Phoebe lived on the street. Okay? Plus, she’s got this crazy temper. She—She’s not standing right behind me is she? Monica: No you’re fine. All right well, do you think I could take Rachel? Joey: I’m not sure. Monica: What?! Come on I am tough! Punch me right here! As hard as you can! Joey: Will you relax?! What are you taking this so seriously for? It doesn’t matter. Monica: Oh really? Okay? Well what would you say if I told you that, y’know, Ross or Chandler could beat you up? Joey: I would say, "Woman, please!" Phoebe: Hey. Ursula’s fianc�e is really sweet! He’s a teacher, he does all this volunteer work. Y’know normally y’know, I don’t like really sweaty guys. But this one? I could just mop him up! Monica: Oh my God, Phoebe! Phoebe: What? Monica: You’re getting a crush on your sister’s fianc�e. Phoebe: No I’m not! You are! Joey: Here comes the temper. Girl: Trick or treat! Rachel: Hi! Y’know what honey, we’re actually out of candy right now. But someone just went out to get some and I have been giving out money but I’m out of that too. Hey, can I write you a check? Girl: Okay! Rachel: Okay, what’s your name? Girl: Lelani Mayolanofavich. Rachel: Okay, I’m just gonna write this out to cash. Mona: Hi! Rachel: Hey Mona! Chandler: Oh! Hi! Mona: Hi! Chandler: Joey’s gonna be thrilled! He was hoping you’d come by as a slutty nurse. Mona: Umm, actually I’m just a nurse. Chandler: You’d think that would embarrass me, but you see I’m maxed out. Ross: Hey! Mona: Hi! Ross: You made it! Mona: Wait-wait! You’re umm, you’re a potato… Ross: Well, I’m a spud… Mona: And the antennae…Oh my God you’re Spudnik! Ross: Yes! Chandler: Marry her. Joey: Okay, here’s a good one for ya. Who do think would win in a fight between Ross and Chandler. Monica: I can’t answer that! Chandler’s my husband. Joey: So Ross? Monica: Yeah. Eric: Hey beautiful. Phoebe: Hello handsome. Oh look at you two. So when did you guys meet? Eric: Two weeks ago. Phoebe: Two weeks? That’s it? Eric: Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, and it’s not like me to do something so impulsive, but she’s just so perfect, and we have so much in common. Phoebe: Oh really? Eric: We’re both teachers. Phoebe: Huh? Eric: And we were both in the Peace Corps. Phoebe: Peace Corps, really? Eric: In fact when we were building houses in Uruguay, we were, we were just two towns apart and we never met. Ursula: Yeah. It wasn’t a town when I got there, but it was a town when I left. Shall we get me really drunk? Eric: Sure. Chandler: Howdy doody. Ross: That’s funny. Yeah. Y’know you’re the funniest man here in a pink bunny costume his wife made him wear. Chandler: Oh relax man, relax. You’re looking a little flushed. Joey: Hey-hey-hey, I think we might find out the answer to our question. Chandler: What question? Joey: Monica and I were talking about who could kick whose ass in a fight, you or Ross? Chandler: There’s no question. Joey: So you think Ross too? Chandler: You picked Ross?! Monica: Ross is really strong! Okay, he’s the strongest out of all three of you! Except for Joey. Chandler: I cannot believe you didn’t pick me. Ross: Uh, in her defense, she’s right. I am stronger. I would destroy you. Chandler: Oh really?! You think you’re stronger? Why don’t you prove it? Ross: Oh I’ll prove it! I’ll prove it like a theorem!! Monica: Wait-wait!! Okay, stop it! Stop it! Stop! Now listen, no one’s gonna fight in this apartment. Joey: Hey Monica! People came to see a fight, let’s give ‘em what they came for! Mona: Hey, you guys could arm wrestle. Joey: Yeah. Listen to the slutty nurse. Chandler: You’re going down. Ross: Oh yeah? You’re going further down! Downtown! Joey: Seriously guys, the trash talk is embarrassing. Commercial Break Rachel: Oh Gunther! You brought candy! Thank you so much for picking this up! You are so sweet. Gunther: Really? Rachel: Honey, someday you are gonna make some man the luckiest guy in the world. Kid: Trick or treat! Rachel: Gotta go! Boy in the Cape: My friend Lewis told me you were giving out money. Rachel: Oh yeah, we were but umm, now we’ve got candy. Boy in the Cape: I’d rather have the money. Rachel: Well, that-that’s not your choice. Happy Halloween! Boy in the Cape: This isn’t fair. Rachel: Well is it fair that all you did was put on a cape and I gotta give you free stuff? Boy in the Cape: Shut up! Rachel: You shut up! Boy in the Cape: You can’t tell me to shut up! Rachel: Uh, I think I just did. And uh-oh, here it comes again. Shut up! Joey: Rach? Rachel: Now wait a minute, I’ve got one more thing I have to say to you…oh right! Shut up! Boy in the Cape: You’re a mean old woman. Rachel: No! Wait no! Shut up—I mean don’t cry! Let me get my checkbook! Monica: Look honey, you don’t have to do this, okay? It’s the strength you have inside that means the most to me. You’re loyal, you’re honest, and you have integrity! That’s the kind of strength that I want in the man that I love! Chandler: That means nothing to me. Come on! Phoebe: Hi liar! Ursula: Hey! Phoebe: Y’know the only reason he’s marrying you is because he thinks all the things you were saying about yourself were true. Ursula: Well they could be true. Phoebe: But they’re not! Ursula: Yeah, it’s a fine line huh? Phoebe: Why are you lying to him? Ursula: I don’t know. He said he did all this stuff and then I said I did it too and he got so excited, it was really fun. Eric: Honey? Ursula: It’s a filthy, disgusting habit and I want you to quit now! Eric: She’s helped so many people to quit smoking. Ursula: Y’know, we’d really better get going. Eric: Oh right, you’ve got a church group meeting tonight. Ursula: Right. Eric: Well, it was nice meeting you. Phoebe: You too. And Ursula?! It was really nice meeting you tonight!! Joey: Oh wait-wait! What does the winner get? Ross: Pride. Chandler: And dignity. Joey: Okay, if you say so. All right, ready? Set! Go! Mona: Wow! They’re both really strong. Joey: Or equally weak. Monica: Oh God! Phoebe: Hmm? Monica: Chandler’s making his sex face. Ross: So, you gettin’ tired? Chandler: Nope! I can do this all day. Ross: Yeah? Me too. Gettin’ a little tired though. Chandler: God, I’m exhausted. Ross: Look this is starting to look really bad for me. Okay? Mona, Mona’s standing right over there. Oh God, she’s talking to Joey! You gotta let me win! Chandler: No way! If anything you’ve gotta let me win! My wife thinks I’m a wimp! Ross: Hey, at least you have a wife! I-I keep getting divorces and knockin’ people up! And I’m dressed as doody. Chandler: You’re Spudnik. Ross: Come on, who are we kidding? I’m doody. Please? She’s watchin’. Chandler: Fine. Oh no! Ross: Oh yeah! Mona: Yay! My hero! Joey: You’re a weird lady. Eric: Hey. Ursula said she left her purse. Phoebe: Oh. Eric: What a relief. It has all the numbers of the people in her prayer chain. Phoebe: Sure it does. Yeah, yeah. Eric: Well, I guess I’ll see you at the wedding. Phoebe: Umm listen, I don’t think…I don’t think I’m gonna make it to the wedding. So I just want to wish you all the luck in the world. Eric: I think we’ll be okay. Besides it’s so perfect and she’s been saving herself for me. Phoebe: Okay I can’t let you do this! She’s lying to you. Eric: What? Phoebe: She is lying! And I bet I can prove it. Excuse me. Okay, here’s the nametag from the restaurant where she works as a waitress! Not a teacher, a waitress. All right, here’s her driver license, this oughta be good, she always lies about this. How old did she say she was? Eric: She told me she was 25. Phoebe: Oh, I almost don’t want to show this. Just remember I’m a minute younger. Eric: I am so stupid. Of course she was lying! She’s not a teacher. There’s not such a thing as the top secret elementary school for the children of spies. Phoebe: No. You’re not, you’re not stupid. Eric: I’m not smart. I just wanted so much to…be impulsive once. To be romantic. Phoebe: That’s good, you should be impulsive and you should be romantic. Just…you did it with the wrong person. What? Eric: It’s just so weird, two people look so much alike, and so different. Ursula: Eric!! Let’s go!! Eric: I’d better go, deal… Phoebe: Yeah, you should. Ursula: Hurry up I gotta pray!! Joey: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Well, I had to give the kid fifty bucks to stop crying. Joey: That’s not so bad. Rachel: No, I also had to go to a couple houses with him as his girlfriend. Oh, I am just awful with children! Joey: Come on! You’re good with kids. They’re just crazy on Halloween. Y’know, they’re all greedy and hopped up on sugar! Rachel: Really? You think that’s all it is? Joey: Absolutely! Halloween is the worst. Except for Christmas…and their birthdays. Kinda get a little crazy during the summer too. And anytime they’re hungry or sleepy. Y’know, kids are tough. Good luck with that. Closing Credits Monica: Look, I wanted to tell I’m-I’m sorry you lost. Chandler: Listen, I’ve got a secret for ya. I let him win. Monica: Is that a secret or a lie. Chandler: No, I let him win—Ross! Ross: Yeah? Chandler: Would you tell her I let you win please? Ross: Oh. Yeah. Chandler: I am strong! I’ll show you! Monica: Chandler please! Chandler: Oh what’s the matter? Are you scared? Monica: Let’s go big bunny! Chandler: Okay. 1…2…3—Go! I’m gonna kill myself! End Written by: R. Lee Fleming, Jr. Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Dutch Phrases by: Kenny Walgraef Monica: Hey. Chandler: Hey. Monica: Oh my God! You cleaned! Look at these floors! You did the windows! Oh, I have been begging you for months and you did! You cleaned! And nagging works! Chandler: Y’know uh, I didn’t actually do this. Monica: Oh no, was I cleaning in my sleep again? Chandler: No, it wasn’t you. Monica: Well then who? Chandler: I got a maid. Yay! Monica: I hope by maid you mean mistress, because if some other woman was here cleaning then… Chandler: Uh honey, I know you don’t like to relinquish control… Monica: Oh, relinquish is just a fancy word for lose! Chandler: Look, she’s really nice. Okay? And she mentioned that she adored the way that you arranged the sponges. Monica: Did she really say that? Chandler: Yes, I distinctly remember ‘cause I thought it was a joke. Now just give her a chance, okay? Monica: Fine, I can do it. Whew. Chandler: What’s the matter? Monica: Well, usually when I’m this anxious, I clean! Opening Credits Phoebe: Who’s cell phone is that? It’s just so annoying; everywhere you go. Ross: I think it’s coming from your bag. Phoebe: Hello? Eric: Hi, it’s Eric. From the Halloween party, Ursula’s fianc�e. Phoebe: Oh my God Eric hi! Wait, how’d you get this number? Eric: Oh, I have a friend who’s a cop and he got it for me. Phoebe: Wow! What an incredible violation—and wonderful surprise. Eric: Uh listen, I just—I thought you should know I broke up with Ursula. Phoebe: Oh you did? He did it! He did it! Rachel: Wow! What did he do? Phoebe: Shhh! I’m talking. Eric: Anyway, I was wondering if, you were the sort of person who…eats lunch. Phoebe: Are you asking me out? ‘Cause it would be kinda weird since you just broke up with my sister. Eric: Yeah uh…okay. I’m-I’m sorry. Bye. Phoebe: No! Wait! I was just saying that so you’d think I was a good person. Fight for me. Eric: Uhh, I won’t take no for an answer. Phoebe: Not great, but we can work on it at lunch. Okay, I can be at your apartment in two hours. Eric: Great! But wh-wh—How do you know where I live? Phoebe: I’ve got friends too. Okay, bye. Eric: Bye. Phoebe: Oh my God! I’m going out with Eric! Ooh, this day is really gonna be so much better than I thought it was gonna be. Oh Ross, I can’t make lunch. Ross: So apparently I’m available for lunch. Rachel: I can’t. I’m busy. I’m apartment hunting. Ross: You’re moving? Rachel: Yeah, I can’t live with Joey once the baby comes. I don’t want my child’s first words to be, "How you doin’?" Ross: So does-does Joey know you’re moving? Rachel: Well, I haven’t discussed it with him yet, but I know he’s gonna be relieved. Last week, he brought this girl over and I started talking to her about morning sickness and then I showed her pictures from my pregnancy book. Ross: That’s not really porn. Rachel: Not so much. Ross: Hey, y’know what and if you’re looking for a place? I just heard in the elevator this morning that a woman in my building died. Rachel: Oh my God! Was she old? Does she have a view? Ross: Well I don’t know, but how-how great would that be huh? You living in my building. I could help take care of the baby. I can come over whenever I want. With your permission. Rachel: Yeah that would really be great. Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Well can we see it?! Oh maybe we shouldn’t. I mean if she just died this morning out of respect. Ross: Yeah. No. No you’re right. Rachel: Shall we? Ross: Yeah. Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Yes? Ross: Hi. I’m Ross Geller. I live in the building. Rachel: And I’m Rachel, an admirer of the building. Ross: I-I heard about Mrs. Verhoeven passing away and I’m so sorry for your loss. Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: She didn’t pass. Ross: What? Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: My mother’s still alive. Ross: Oh, thank God! Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: It looked like we were gonna lose her this morning, but she’s a tough old bird. Rachel: Ahh. Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Are you close with her? Ross: Of course! Uh yeah, she and I would talk all the time in-in Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: You speak Dutch? Ross: Y’know I would it’s just painful. Rachel: So she’s really not dead. Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: No, she’s hanging in there. Rachel: Hmm. Do you think—Could you tell me if she’s hanging in, in a one bedroom or a two? Brenda: Mrs. Bing, this tile cleaner is incredible! Where’d you get it? Monica: Oh well umm, I make it myself! It’s two parts ammonia and one part lemon juice. And now the secret ingredient is…y’know what? We just met. Brenda: Okay. Uhh, I’m gonna go get the clothes from the laundry room now. And, when I come back I’ll clean behind the refrigerator. Monica: I love her. Brenda: I’ll be back in a minute. Monica: Okay. Chandler: See? I told you. Monica: She stole my jeans! Chandler: What? Monica: I have been looking for them all week and she is wearing them! Chandler: So she stole your pants and then she came back and wore them in front of you? Monica: Don’t you see? It’s the perfect crime! Chandler: She must’ve been planning this for years! Monica: I will prove it to you! Okay? About a week ago I was wearing those jeans and I dropped a pen in my lap and it left an ink stain on the crotch. Now when she comes back I will find it and show you that stain! Chandler: Honey, isn’t it possible that the company that sold the jeans made more than just the one pair? Monica: I guess. Chandler: So, shouldn’t we go give her the benefit of the doubt before we go…snooping around her crotch? Monica: Fine. I’m just glad I didn’t give her my secret ingredient. Chandler: Out of curiosity, what is your secret ingredient? Monica: Yeah! Phoebe: Hi! Eric: Come in, I’m so glad you’re here. Phoebe: Yeah, me too. Not in the shaky angry way you are though. Eric: Sorry, I just saw Ursula. I had to give the engagement ring back. Phoebe: Oh. Eric: Just seeing her brought it all back. All the lies, the way she used me. I just…I got so angry just looking at her……face. Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah. Eric: I’m sorry. I just…when I look at you I see her. When I see her I get a little bit angry. Phoebe: Maybe this is too weird. Eric: No wait! There’s only a problem when I look at you. Phoebe: No don’t tear out your eyes!! Eric: I was just, I was just gonna take out my lenses. Phoebe: Oh, yeah try that. So, is that better? Eric: Not really. You…you’re blurry, but you still look like Ursula. You’re Blursula. Okay wait. Maybe…If I-if I just don’t look at you for a while. See? It…it works. I’m not, I’m not angry at all anymore! This is a great date! Phoebe: Look Eric, turn around. Ross: Thanks for the coffee, or bedankt voor de koffie, Gunter. Gunther: Jij spreekt Nederlands? Dat is te gek. Heb je familie daar? Ross: Yeah, we’re done. Gunther: Ezel. Ross: Ezel? Ezel? Ezel? Joey: Hey Ross! Listen, do you want to go see that new Imax movie on tide pools? Ross: Really?! Joey: No. But I got Knicks tickets for you, me, and Chandler. Ross: Sweet! Joey: All right, well finish your coffee; let’s go. Ross: Okay I-I just have to stop by my place first. Joey: To tape the game? You do this every time Ross, you’re not gonna be on TV! Ross: No-no, I-I have to see if this apartment became available. Joey: Oh, you’re switching apartments? Ross: It’s not for me, it’s for Rachel. Joey: But Rachel has an apartment. Ross: Yeah, but when the baby comes she’s gonna want to move. Joey: She is? Ross: Yeah, you didn’t expect her to live there with a baby did you? Joey: I guess I didn’t really think about it. Ross: Hey Gunther! You’re an ezel! Gunther:  Jij hebt seks met ezels. Ross: Damnit! Monica: Nice jeans! Brenda: Oh thanks! I like your top. Monica: Oh. You’re not gettin’ it. Brenda: What happened?! Monica: Oh, I fell asleep. Brenda: I was thinking about taking my lunch break. Monica: Oh, will you do the top of the cabinets? That’ll really work up your appetite for lunch. Brenda: All right. Monica: Hello. Brenda: What’s going on?! Monica: I’m sorry. I’ve never had a maid before, is this not okay? Commercial Break Rachel: Hey! Joey: Hey! Rachel: How was the game? Joey: Oh, okay. I…I ate way too much. Rachel: Oh. Joey: Ooh. So umm, I was talkin’ to Ross and he said you were looking for a new place. Rachel: Oh yeah! Hopefully across the street if certain Dutch people would just let go. Joey: I was kinda hoping you’d stay. Rachel: Oh but Joey, I have to go. There’s no room for a baby here. Joey: No room? It’s a baby. It’s like this big. Rachel: Honey, it’s not just a matter of where you put it. I mean a baby changes everything. They cry all the time. I mean imagine bringing home some girl and trying to score when there’s a screaming baby around. Joey: I could use a challenge! It’s getting pretty easy. Rachel: Honey, it’s so sweet that you want me to stay, but I-I can’t do that to you. I mean it would disrupt your entire life. Joey: I love living with you so much. I just wish things didn’t have to change. Rachel: I know. Joey: Y’know I blame Ross for this. Rachel: I do too a little bit. Joey: I’m gonna miss you, you’re the hottest roommate I ever had. Phoebe: Ooh, oh no! I have to go! I have a massage appointment. Eric: Oh no, stay here we’ll keep doing this. I’ll pay you. Phoebe: No, I got in trouble for that before. I’ll see you later. Eric: Absolutely. I love the way you kiss. Phoebe: Really? That’s the thing I’m worse at! You’ll see. Chandler: Hi! Monica: Hey! Umm, I think Brenda needs a raise. Chandler: How come? Monica: Because I put my head between her legs. Chandler: To see her pants? Monica: They’re my pants! Chandler: Are you sure? Did you see the stain? Monica: No! I was just getting into position and then everything went dark. Chandler: God! She is not stealing from us! Okay, will you let this go? Monica: Fine. She’s wearing my bra! Chandler: Oh dear God! Monica: My pink flowered bra! I recognize the strap! Chandler: And yet you don’t recognize that you’re crazy. Monica: Here’s the plan! Okay? I’m going to leave you get a look at Brenda’s bra! Chandler: Here’s another plan…No! Monica: I would do it but she thinks I’m attracted to her! Chandler: Why? Monica: Did you not hear where my head was? Come on! Come on we’re a team! We’re in this together! Chandler: I fear a jury will see it the same way! Monica: Do this for me! Come on, I catch you looking at woman’s breasts all the time! Chandler: You see that? Monica: Do you see this? Chandler: All right. Yes. Okay. I get your point. But if it’s not your bra will you just let the woman clean the apartment?! Monica: Yes! Absolutely. Okay? Look, you’ll know it’s mine because on the right cup, the lacey part, there’s a very noticeable rip. Chandler: You need new clothes. Ross: Hi. How is she? Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: It’s not looking good. Ross: Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: That’s so sweet. Would you like to come in and say good-bye? I’m sure it would mean a lot to her. Ross: Oh I don’t know that it would. Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Well, her memory is pretty much gone. Ross: All right then. Phoebe: Hey! Eric: Welcome back! Phoebe: Hey! Can we pick up where we left off? Eric: I don’t know, I’m still pretty tired out from this afternoon. Phoebe: Why? Eric: Uh, the sex. Phoebe: What sex? Eric: Our sex. Phoebe: We didn’t have sex. Eric: Well if I didn’t have sex with you, I had sex with someone that looked an awful lot like… Phoebe: Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Eric: Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! No! No! No! Phoebe: You-you…you had sex with Ursula?! Eric: Uh, a little bit. She-she-she walked in and I thought she was you and I kissed her and… Phoebe: You didn’t notice she was wearing different clothes?! Eric: Well I was just so excited to see you. Phoebe: Oh. Ew! Ew! Ew! Ugh! Y’know what? This is too weird. Eric: No-no it’s not! I don’t want to lose you! It’s-it’s like I was saying to Ursula when I was making love to her and I thought she was you—Yeah it is too weird. Phoebe: So I guess this is it. Eric: Yeah. Maybe it’s for the best. You smell just like her. Phoebe: Yeah, so do you. Brenda: What are you doing? Chandler: I’m leaning. This is where I lean. Brenda: Okay. (Goes over and fluffs up the pillows on the couch. Chandler: Brenda a bee! Brenda: What? Chandler: Yes! It’s flown into your blouse and you’d better undo your buttons lest it sting you! Brenda: I think I know what’s going on here. Chandler: You do? Brenda: Look, I know it must be hard that your wife is a lesbian, but it’s wrong. You’re married. Chandler: I totally understand. Can I just see your bra? Rachel: Hi! Monica: Where did you get those jeans?! Rachel: You gave them to me! Monica: No I didn’t! Rachel: All right, I took them. But I figured it would be okay because you got a big ink stain on the crotch. Monica: Oh no! Did you take my bra too?! Rachel: What bra? Monica: The pink one with the flowers?! Rachel: You mean the one that you’re wearing? Brenda: Monica: Sounds about right. Rachel: What is this? Joey: Hey! Uh, this is just to give you an idea. Okay well, we can put screens here, , which until the baby comes we can use as walkie-talkies. Huh? Rachel: You’re so sweet. Joey: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh…. That-that-that’s really just to show where the baby would go. Y’know why don’t I hold on to him so that there’s no confusion? Rachel: But Joey the baby is going to be crying, it’s going to be loud. Joey: I’m loud! Rachel: It’s gonna be up all night! Joey: I’m up all night! Rachel: It’s gonna poop! Joey: Hello! Rachel: What about all the women you want to bring home? Joey: Look, if I’m bringing home a woman who can’t stand being around a baby, then maybe I don’t want to be with that woman! Or maybe we’ll just do it in the bathroom of the club! Rachel: Joey, are you sure? Joey: Yeah! All right—Look, I know sometimes it’ll be hard, okay? But, it’ll also be really…really great. Please Rachel! I-I-I really want you to stay. Rachel: I want me to stay too. Joey: Ohh! Rachel: Thank you. Oh Joey and look at this crib! It’s so cute! Joey: I know! I found it on the street. Rachel: Are you serious—Really?! It’s in such good condition. Joey: Yeah. Rachel: Wow! Whoa-whoa what’s under the covers? Joey: I don’t know. Rachel: It’s moving. Joey: Ew. Rachel: It’s still——It’s got a tail! Get it out of here! Get it out of here!! Joey: Ooh! Ah! Okay! Dedicated to the Memory of Pearl Harmon Closing Credits Ross: Well, the old lady died. And how do I know? Her dying wish was for one last kiss. But I don’t care, because you got the apartment. Yes! Rachel: Ewww. Yeah. Umm. I think I’m gonna stay here. Joey: Isn’t that great? Ross: Ezels!! End Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Directed by: David Schwimmer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Rachel: Hey Pheebs? Phoebe: Huh? Rachel: I’m having dinner with my dad tomorrow night, do you wanna come? Phoebe: Sure. Yeah, he’s kinda sexy. Rachel: Oh no, no, I’ll be there too. Phoebe: Okay so, we’ll just come up with some kind of signal if it’s going well you can take off. Rachel: No Phoebe! I just need you there for support. I haven’t told him I’m pregnant yet. Phoebe: Oh. Why not? Rachel: ‘Cause I know he’s gonna flip out and I hate it when he’s angry. Phoebe: Oh Rachel, this is all so ‘Papa don’t preach.’ Rachel: What Phoebe? Wait! One time he caught me smoking he said if he ever saw me doing that again he’d make me eat the entire pack. Phoebe: Wow! Oh well, I will be there! Rachel: Thank you. Phoebe: Gosh. I’m not gonna let that man make you eat your baby. Oh. Hey! Who is that guy? I think I know him. Monica: No you don’t! Rachel: No you don’t. Phoebe: Oh my God!!! Monica!! He’s the stripper from your bachelorette party!! Chandler: Her what?!! Phoebe: Your secret bachelorette party… Chandler: You had a bachelorette party?! Phoebe: She untied his G-string with her teeth. Somebody stop me! Chandler: I thought we weren’t gonna have bachelor/bachelorette parties! Y’know, we agreed that it was a silly tradition. Joey: It’s a grand tradition! Monica: I’m sorry, they surprised me. There was nothing I could do! Rachel: Well you could’ve untied it with your hands. Joey: This is so unfair! The one thing I wanted to do was throw my best friend a bachelor party, but no, I wasn’t allowed to. All I got was a stupid steak dinner! Chandler: You went home with the waitress. Joey: Oh yeah, that was a pretty good night. Chandler: I can’t believe you didn’t tell me! You know that the two pillars of marriage are openness and honesty! Monica: Ugh, I knew giving you that book was gonna come back and bite me in the ass! Opening Credits Dr. Green: How about I order everyone the Moroccan chicken? Phoebe: Oh, I-I don’t eat meat. Dr. Green: It’s chicken. Phoebe: Yeah, I don’t eat that either. Dr. Green: I’ll never understand you lesbians. So baby, tell me…what is new with you. Rachel: Well actually umm… Waiter: Your ’74 Lafite sir. Dr. Green: ’74?! I ordered the ’75! That’s a magnificent wine! The ’74 is sewage! Why would you bring me sewage?! Is that a hard question? Are you an idiot? Is that why you’re a waiter? Waiter: This is why I told the manager I wouldn’t wait on you tonight! Dr. Green: Oh come on! Don’t be such a baby! Rachel: In case you didn’t notice, that is a scary man. Phoebe: He’s right though, the ’74 is absolute piss. Rachel: This was such a huge mistake. I can’t tell him Phoebe. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t… Phoebe: Rachel! Rachel: No it’s okay, this is what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna wait a couple years and then the baby will tell him. Phoebe: Why, so he can get mad at the baby? Rachel: Hey, that is the…baby’s problem. Oh, everything okay with the waiter? Dr. Green: I have no idea, I went to the bathroom. So sweetie, you were starting to tell me what is uh, what is new with you. Rachel: Well… Umm, I got TiVo. Dr. Green: What’s TiVo? Phoebe: It’s slang for pregnant. Rachel: Phoebe! Dr. Green: Are you really pregnant? Rachel: Well uh, yes and no. Except not no. So to sum it up, yeah. Dr. Green: Who is the father? Oh no! Please don’t tell me it’s her! Rachel: No, it’s Ross. It’s Ross. You like Ross. Oh daddy, I hope you’re okay with all of this. I mean think about it, this is a good thing. You’re gonna—This is your first grandchild! You’re gonna be a poppy! Dr. Green: That’s true. Rachel: Yeah. Dr. Green: So when is the wedding? Rachel: Who? Dr. Green: The wedding! There’s going to be a wedding. Young lady, don’t you sit there and tell me my first grandchild is going to be a bastard! Rachel Karen Green, tell me there is gonna be a wedding!! Rachel: February 2nd! Mona: So it was really cool seeing you lecture today. Ross: Oh thanks. Although it kinda seemed like you were falling asleep there a little. Mona: Oh no-no, I-I had my eyes closed so I could concentrate and y’know take it all in. Ross: Yeah, a lot of my students do that. Mona: So, I gotta get going. Ross: Okay, I-I’ll see you tonight. Mona: Yeah. Ross: Okay, bye. Mona: Oh hey, thanks again for showing me your semi-precious stone collection. It was amazing! Chandler: My God! You must be good in bed! Joey: So uh, you and Mona, been a while now. How’s it going? Ross: Ah, it’s good. It’s going good. I mean, we get along great. She’s, she’s so… Joey: Hot? Ross: Well, I was gonna say sweet, but yeah-huh! Chandler: She’s okay with Rachel and the baby? Ross: Well I…I haven’t actually told her yet. I don’t want to scare her off, y’know? Chandler: Well, you have to honest with her! Otherwise you may think that you’re going down the same path, but you’re really going down different ones. Joey: I’m gonna take that book and beat you to death with it. Monica: Oh my God! You are gonna love me so much! I felt really bad about the whole bachelorette party thing, so tonight you’re gonna have a bachelor party. Chandler: What? Monica: Yeah, I got this number from this guy at work and I hired a stripper to come dance for you. Am I going in the wife hall of fame or what?! Chandler: Honey! That’s crazy! I don’t want you to get me a stripper… Joey: Will you let the lady talk?! Monica: Come on! Come on, it’ll be fun! It’ll make me feel so much better. Chandler: Look, I appreciate it, but uh, it’s a little creepy. Y’know? I’m not a bachelor anymore. Monica: So don’t think of it as a bachelor party, think of it as a…a two month anniversary present. Ross: Sure, one year is paper, but two months is lapdance! Monica: Please! I feel so bad! Just watch the hot woman get naked! Chandler: All right fine! But I’m only doing this for you! Joey: Yeah! Chandler: And Joey. Monica: Thank you. All right, now who else do you want to invite? Chandler: Ah, no-no-no just Ross. Ross and Joey is embarrassing enough. Ross: Uh actually, sorry I can’t even make it. I’m seeing Mona again tonight. Chandler: I understand: who would cancel an actual date to go to a fake bachelor party? Joey: I’m sorry I gotta cancel tonight baby… Phoebe: I’m sorry I won’t be able to make it to your imaginary wedding, but I’m really busy that day. Yeah, I already have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun bar mitzvah. Rachel: I know. I know. I panicked, I panicked. I didn’t want him to start yelling at me like I was some ’74 Latour. Phoebe: It’s Lafite. The ’74 Latour is actually drinking quite nicely. Rachel: All right here he comes. I’m gonna do this, I’m gonna tell him, I’m gonna be strong. Dr. Green: I just called a friend of mine. Rachel: Yeah? Dr. Green: I think I may be able to book The Plaza on short notice. Rachel: Really?! The Plaza?!! Oh daddy!! Right. Daddy, I need to talk to you. Please, sit down. Dr. Green: What is it sweetie? Rachel: There’s not gonna be a wedding. Ross and I are not getting married. Dr. Green: What?! Rachel: I’m sorry daddy. Dr. Green: I don’t believe this!! Rachel: Oh now daddy, stay calm. Please. Dr. Green: Stay calm?!! How do you expect me to stay calm?! This is unacceptable Rachel! And I wanna know why?!! Is it because that punk Ross won’t marry you?! That’s it! Is that it?! Rachel: Yes. Yes, he says I’m damaged goods. Joey: So you uh, nervous about getting married? Chandler: What are you doing? Joey: Look, look let’s pretend it’s a real bachelor party. Okay? Y’know? Before your wedding. Come on, it’ll be fun. Chandler: Okay. I can’t believe tomorrow’s the big day. Joey: How does it feel knowing you’re never gonna be with another woman again huh? Knowing you’re gonna have to wake up to the same face everyday until you finally have the sweet release of death. Chandler: You’re right, this is more fun. Joey: That’s her! Okay, come on! Stripper: Hi! Chandler: Hi. Stripper: So which one of you lucky boys is Chandler? Joey: Uh, that-that’s-that’s me! Chandler: That’s me. Joey: Joey Tribbiani, a big fan. Stripper: So is that a bedroom? Chandler: Yeah, yeah right over there. Stripper: All right, whenever you’re ready. Chandler: That was weird. Joey: Why-why would she go in the bedroom? Stripper: I’m waiting. Chandler: So she’s a… Joey: Yeah, that’s one naked hooker! Mona: I love your place! Where is this guy from? Ross: Uh that’s an eighteenth century Indian artifact from Calcutta. Mona: Oh wow! So, you’re more than just dinosaurs. Ross: So much more. Mona: Oh my God! Oh my God! I’m so sorry! Ross: Aw forget it, it’s from Pier One. Dr. Green: You think you can knock up my daughter and then not marry her?! I’m gonna kill you!! Ross: Y’know this is actually not a great time for me. Commercial Break Dr. Green: So? Come on! Explain yourself Geller! First you get my Rachel pregnant! Mona: You got Rachel pregnant?! Ross: Who did?! Dr. Green: You did! Ross: Yes. Yes, yes I did. But-but it was, it was just a one night thing. It meant nothing. Dr. Green: Oh? Really? That’s what my daughter means to you? Nothing? Ross: No! No sir umm, she means a lot to me. I mean, I care—I-I love Rachel. Mona: What?! Ross: Oh but not that way. I mean…I mean I’m not in love with her. I love her like a, like a friend. Dr. Green: Oh really? That’s how treat a friend? You get her in trouble and then refuse to marry her? Ross: Hey! I offered to marry her! Mona: Wh… Ross: But I didn’t want to. Dr. Green: Well why not? So you can spend your time with this tramp?! Mona: Tramp?! Ross: I’m sorry. Dr. Green, Mona. Mona, Dr. Green. Chandler: I can’t believe there is a naked hooker in there! Joey: Wait! Wait! Maybe she’s a hooker and a stripper, but she got confused about what she’s supposed to do. Chandler: Could be. I mean technically she did strip, we just, we just missed it. Ma’am, are you also a stripper? Hooker: Uh, no. But I could pretend to strip, but that’s gonna cost extra. Okay, here’s the extras, handcuffs, spanking… Joey: Maybe Monica’s playing a joke on ya. Y’know? Getting her own husband a hooker, that’s pretty funny. Chandler: That is funny, maybe for my birthday she’ll murder someone. Joey: I bet Ross was in on it too. I mean he was conveniently busy. Hooker: Do you mind if I smoke in here? Chandler: Oh actually, I’d rather you…Yeah, go ahead. We’re gonna have to burn that room down anyway. Mona: How could you have kept all of this from me? Ross: I was going to tell you, but… Dr. Green: But what?! You figured you’d get what you wanted and then dump her like you dumped Rachel! Ross: Hey! I did not dump Rachel! Why don’t we just let the machine get that? Joey: Hey Ross. It’s Joey. There’s a hooker over here and we thought maybe you’d know something about it. Ross: No! No! No! No! No! I-I-I-I—I need to, I need to lie down. Stu: So, tonight’s the night of the big bachelor party? Monica: Yeah! Hey! Thanks for getting me that girl’s number. Stu: No problem. So who’s the party for? Monica: My husband. Stu: You hired your husband a hooker? Monica: She’s a stripper. Stu: No, she’s a hooker. Monica: Is that, is that what they call strippers sometimes? Stu: When they’re hookers. Monica: Oh my God Stu! I-I can’t believe you did this! Now are you absolutely sure she’s a hooker? Stu: Either that or she’s just the best, most expensive date I ever had. Joey: Maybe she meant to get you a hooker. Chandler: Why would she do that? Joey: Maybe she wants you to learn something. Huh? Now is there anything you’re really bad at y’know, sexually? Chandler: This is the worst bachelor party ever! Hooker: What’s taking you boys so long? Joey: In a minute! Chandler: In a minute? What’s gonna happen in a minute?! Joey: All right, all right maybe-maybe you should just ask her to leave. Chandler: Why me?! Joey: Hey! It’s your bachelor party. Chandler: Which is why you should do it. Joey: I don’t want to. You do it! Chandler: You do it! Joey: You do it! Chandler: All right Rock, Paper, Scissors who has to tell the whore to leave! What? Joey: I miss this. Chandler: I don’t think we’ve actually done this before! Joey: No, I-I miss hanging out with you. Chandler: Well we…we still hang out. Joey: Not like we used to. Remember? You and me used to be inseparable. Y’know now it’s like…things are different. Chandler: Well y’know, things are different. I’m…I’m married now. Joey: Oh sure—And hey, don’t get me wrong, I am so happy for you guys. I just…I miss…hanging out…just-just us, y’know? Chandler: Yeah, I miss that too. I tell you what; from now on we’ll make time to hang out with each other. Joey: You got it. Come here. Hooker: Oh God! Listen, I am this close to robbing you guys. Monica: Ross: So your dad dropped by. He’s a pleasant man! Rachel: Oh no… Phoebe: I’d better go. Just over here: I don’t want to miss the fight. Rachel: Ross I’m so sorry. Okay. I-I will promise I will straighten this out with him tomorrow in person, or via e-mail. Ross: I don’t care about your dad! I care about Mona! She was there and now she’s totally freaked out! Rachel: Oh okay, I’ll fix that to. What’s her e-mail address? Ross: Rachel! Rachel: All right, I promise. I’ll fix this. I swear. I’ll-I’ll-I’ll-I’ll talk to her. Ross: Okay! Rachel: Okay. Ross: Thank you! Phoebe: That’s it?! You call that a fight? Come on! "We were on a break!" "No we weren’t!" What happened to you two?! Ross: Thank you so much for coming back over. Mona: Oh good, you’re here. Yeah, and I was worried that it was going to be uncomfortable. Rachel: I know Mona, just hear me out. First of all, I’m so sorry about my father yelling at you, but I heard you totally held your own. You’re gonna have to tell me how you did that. Ross: Focus. Rachel: Okay. Um…But—Okay, yes Ross and I used to date. And yes we are gonna have a baby. But we are definitely not getting back together. Mona: How can I be sure on that? Rachel: Oh we just—we drove each other crazy! Ross: Yeah. Rachel: I mean he was possessive, he was jealous, he could never just let the little things go! Ross: Trying to date this woman. Rachel: Right! But, none of that compared to how kind and-and how gentle and thoughtful he is. Ross: Probably shouldn’t touch me. Mona: Y’know, I-I-I just…I don’t want to get in the middle of something so complicated. Rachel: I know, I get it, but Mona, what relationship is not complicated? I mean we all have our baggage! You must too! Why else would you still be single? Ross: Should I leave this open for you too? Mona: I’m not sure yet. Why didn’t you just tell me about all this? Ross: Because what’s going on with Rachel has nothing to do with how I feel about you. Mona: Yeah? Well you still shoulda told me. Ross: I know and I was going to, but I thought it was better that you heard it from Rachel’s father. Look I…I made a mistake, but it’s only because I really, really like you. Really! Mona: Okay, I guess you can…close the door now. Rachel: Monica: I swear I didn’t know she was a hooker! I mean wh—Did you let her smoke in here? Chandler: Her ass print is still on your grandmother’s quilt, do you really want to talk about smoking? Monica: Y’know what? I’m gonna make this up to you. I promised you a stripper Chandler: Monica! Wait! Monica: What? Chandler: Carry on. Monica: Ooh, these tennis shoes are so tight. I think I’ll take them off. Chandler: Could you not narrate? Monica: Gotcha sailor. Closing Credits Dr. Green: …just because you’re not in love with the guy you can’t… Phoebe: Wow, you told your dad the truth. Rachel: About an hour ago. Phoebe: Wanna go see a movie? Rachel: Yes! Dr. Green: Joey: Stupid guy on my phone. End Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Joey: Hey Rach listen, did you know that during pregnancy your fingers swell up to twice their size and never go back. Rachel: Joey: You fall for it every time! Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Phoebe: I brought you my old maternity clothes! Rachel: Oh Pheebs that’s so sweet——Ooh, those are so cute! Phoebe: Yeah! And look, And then after the baby’s born, they’re great for shoplifting melons. Monica: Oh, guess who I invited. Remember that guy Will Colbert from high school? Rachel: No. Monica: He was in Ross’s class…marching band…kinda overweight? Well, really overweight. I mean I was his thin friend. Rachel: Wow! I don’t remember him. Honey, are you sure you’re not talking about your imaginary boyfriend. Monica: No that was Jarred! Wow! I haven’t thought about him in a long time… Anyway, umm Will’s, Will’s here on business and he didn’t have a place to go so I invited him here. Rachel: Oh that’s nice. Monica: Oh, and by the way, he’s lost a bunch of weight. I mean he looks goo-ood! Okay, I mean really, really gorgeous! I still love Chandler. Joey: I just want you to say it once in a while. Monica: All right okay, just so you know, I’m not gonna make a turkey this year. Joey: What?! Monica: Well Phoebe doesn’t eat turkey… Joey: Phoebe! Phoebe: Turkey’s are beautiful, intelligent animals! Joey: No they’re not! They’re ugly and stupid and delicious! Monica: All right! Okay, it’s just Phoebe. Will’s still on a diet, Chandler doesn’t eat Thanksgiving food, and Rachel’s having her aversion to poultry. Joey: She is? Rachel: Remember I had to leave the room the other day when you had that roast chicken? Joey: Yeah. But I thought that was because I put the whole thing on my hand and made it walk across the table. Monica: Anyway, it just doesn’t seem worth it to make a whole turkey for just three people. Okay? It’s a lot of work. Joey: But you gotta have turkey on Thanksgiving! I mean, Thanksgiving with no turkey is like-like Fourth of July with no apple pie! Or Friday with no two pizzas! Monica: All right fine! If it means that much to you! But just—there’s gonna be a ton left over. Joey: No there won’t! I promise I will finish that turkey! Monica: All right, you’re telling me you can eat an entire turkey in just one sitting? Joey: That’s right! ‘Cause I’m a Tribbiani! And this is what we do! I mean we may not be great thinkers or world leaders, we don’t read a lot or run very fast, but damnit! We can eat! Opening Credits Monica: Hey, isn’t weird to think about how next year at this time they’ll be a little baby at the table? Rachel’s! But good to know where you’re at! Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Happy Thanksgiving! Monica: You too! Phoebe: Anything I can do to help? Monica: Actually there is. Chandler usually helps me with this, but he’s really into the game so I don’t want to bother him. Could you help me fold these napkins? Phoebe: Sure! Monica: I’m gonna go across the hall to check on the yams. Phoebe: Okay. Monica: No! No! No! No sweetie! No! Not like that! We’re not at a barn dance. You’ve gotta—you wanna fold them like swans. Like I showed you at Christmas time, remember? Phoebe: Yeah, it all just came screaming back to me. So how’s the game? Chandler: I have no idea. Phoebe: What? Chandler: Yeah! I’m just pretending to watch the game so I don’t have to help out with stuff. Phoebe: I don’t believe you! That is…brilliant! And Monica has no idea? Chandler: Nope! Every once and a while I just scream stuff at the TV. Monica: Is your team winning hon? Chandler: Yeah! Anderson just scored again! There’s no Anderson. Phoebe: Well I want to get in on this. Hey Mon? I don’t think I can help you after all, I didn’t realize this game was on. Monica: Oh, I didn’t know you liked football. Phoebe: Well normally I don’t, but y’know……Green Bay is playing. Monica: You like Green Bay? Phoebe: Well it’s only like my favorite bay! {Actually, it’s not bad. It just gets a little cold in winter, but in Wisconsin winter only lasts from August to June. J } Monica: Hey! Will: Hey! Will: Happy Thanksgiving! Monica: Aww thanks! God Will I’m so glad that you came! You look great! You must’ve lost like… Will: 150 pounds. Yeah, I’m gonna be in one of those Subway sandwich commercials. Monica: A pie! Will: Oh right. All right, it’s no fat, it’s no sugar, it’s no dairy…it’s no good. Throw it out. Monica: You wanna meet some people? This is uh; this is my husband Chandler. Chandler, this is Will. Will: Hey. Chandler: Oh hey. I’d shake your hand but uh; I’m really into the game. Plus, I think it’d be better for my ego if we didn’t stand right next to each other. Monica: This is Phoebe. Phoebe: Well done. Monica: Wanna give me a hand? Will: Sure! Monica, I can’t get over how great you look! You look stunning! Monica: Well you look incredible too! You’re just—you’re so fit! Chandler: I’m watching the game, but I’m not deaf! Monica: Oh umm, I meant to tell you, Ross is coming. Will: Ross is coming. Great! I love Ross! Monica: Good. And Rachel Green too. Will: Oh. Monica: Is there a problem? Will: Nope. Uh, it’s okay. It’s just uh, God I hated her. Monica: What? Will: Yeah, I hated her. She was horrible to me in high school. But hey, it was a long time ago, I’m in a good place, it might be actually fun to see her again. You got any cakes or cookies or something? No Will no! Chandler: Y’know, it’s been a while since we’ve screamed something. Maybe we should. Phoebe: Oh okay. Chandler: Oh come on! Phoebe: Noooo!! Damn you ref! You burn in hell!!! Monica: Hey, what are you doing? You gotta save room, you’ve got almost an entire turkey to eat. Joey: Let me explain to you how the human body works. I have to warm my stomach first. Eatin’ chips is like stretching. Monica: All right. Joey: Don’t worry, Tribbianis never get full. Will: I actually know what you’re talking about. I’m here to tell you something my friend, you can eat and eat and eat but nothing will ever fill that void. Joey: Who the hell is this guy? Monica: Will! From high school. Joey: Oh hey! Monica: Joey. Will: Hello. Ross: Will! Will: Ross! Ross: Hey-hey you came! Man you look incredible! Hot stuff! Hot stuff? Will: It’s good to see you man. Ross: Yeah, you too. Man, so-so what are you up to? Will: I’m a commodities broker. Ross: Really? Yeah that-that sounds interesting. Will: Yeah, it’s not. But I’m rich and thin. Ross: Oh! Man I don’t think I’ve seen you since uh, Lance Davis’ graduation party. Will: That was such a fun night! Ross: Yeah. It would’ve been good if we had gotten in, but still real fun. Will: Yeah. Ross: Yeah. Will: God we were lame back then. Do you remember how into dinosaurs we were? Ross: Yeah. Will: So what do you, what do you do now? Ross: So how long are you in town? Rachel: Hi! Monica: Hey sweetie. Oh good. Will: Rachel Green. Ross: Aw—oh, that’s right. Are-are you gonna be okay? Will: Oh, I’ll-I’ll be fine. Just God I hate her Ross! I hate her! Ross: Will, high school was-was a long time ago. Will: Look at her standing there with those yams! My two greatest enemies Ross: Rachel Green and complex carbohydrates. Rachel: Oh my God Monica, who is that? Monica: That’s Will from high school! Rachel: Oh! I do not remember him! Wow! He's really got that sexy, smoldering thing going on. Monica: Okay, dinner’s ready! Chandler: Good game! Phoebe: Yeah. Chandler: Yeah. Solid effort. Solid effort. Monica: Oh, so who won? Phoebe: Green Bay. Chandler: Detroit. Monica: What? Phoebe: Well the Lions technically won, but it was a moral victory for the Green Bay…Mermen. Rachel: Hi! Will, right? Will: Right. Rachel: Hi! I’m Rachel Green. Will: Oh I-I remember you. Rachel: Really?! Aren’t you sweet! I gotta tell you though, I am, I am having the hardest time placing you. Oh-oh hang on! Did we umm, did we fool around at Lance Davis’ graduation party? Will: You are unbelievable. Rachel: Thank you! Monica: Joey: That’s it?! Even if nobody helps me I can eat that no problem. At least give me a challenge! Monica: Joey: Oh. How-how big is that? Monica: About nineteen pounds. Joey: It’s like me when I was born. Rachel: All right, who would uh, like some yams? Will? Will: Oh, you’d like that wouldn’t ya? Rachel: What? Oh y’know what? Can we please keep the chicken and the turkey and everything on the other side of the table? The smell is just yuck! Will: Typical. Rachel: I’m sorry. What? Will: I said it was typical. Typical of you, Rachel Green, Queen Rachel does whatever she wants in little Rachel land. Joey: Seriously, who is this guy? Rachel: Umm, I’m sorry. Do you-do you have a problem with me? Will: I don’t know? Do I? Do I? Phoebe: I think you do. Monica: Apparently you were umm, a little mean to him in high school. Will: A little mean? You made my life miserable! Rachel: I’m-I’m—I had no idea. I’m sorry. I… Will: Well you should be. Screw it! Bring on the yams! Monica: Oh Will. But you-you’ve worked so hard… Will: Yams!!!! Monica: Okay. Rachel: Uh Will umm, I just want to say that I’m real sorry for whatever I-I did to you in high school… Will: Oh, it wasn’t just me. We had a club! Rachel: You had a club?! Will: That’s right, The I Hate Rachel Green Club! Rachel: Whoa! My God! So what, you all just joined together to hate me?! Who else was in this club? Will: Me and Ross. Ross: No need to point, she knows who Ross is. Commercial Break Rachel: So you were in an I Hate Rachel club? Will: Yes he was. Ross: No. No. Rachel: So who else was in this club? Ross: Uh actually, there-there was also that exchange student from Thailand but I-I don’t think he-he knew what it was. Rachel: So Ross, we went out for two years, and you never told me you were in an I Hate Rachel club. Will: You went out with her?! We had a pact! Ross: That was in high school! It’s not like it was binding forever. Will: Then why did it have the word eternity in it? Rachel: Okay Monica, did you know about this?! Monica: I swear I didn’t. Hey! Is that why you guys used to go up to your bedroom and lock the door? Ross and Will: Yeah. Monica: Hmm, a little relieved, I gotta say. Ross: Look Rach I-I’m sorry, okay? I…I was a stupid kid, okay? The only reason I joined… Will: Co-founded! Ross: …co-founded. Co-founded the club was because I was insanely in love with you. Obviously I didn’t handle it very well. But if you think about it the I Hate Rachel Club was really the I Love Rachel Club. Will: Uh, except that it was really the I Hate Rachel Club. Rachel: Okay. So what? You guys would just like get together and like just say mean things about me? Will: Well, we did a little more than that. Ross: No-no! No-no. No-no. Phoebe: What?! What else did you do? Will: We started a rumor. Rachel: What rumor? Phoebe: Oh, come on Will! Just take off your shirt and tell us! Rachel: Ross! Ross: It was no big deal. We-we…said that the rumor was…that umm…you had both…male and female reproductive parts. Rachel: What?! Will: That’s right! We said your parents flipped a coin, decided to raise you as a girl, but you still had a hint of a penis. Rachel: Oh my God! Monica: You started that?! Rachel: What?! You heard that?! Monica: Everyone at our school heard it! Chandler: Everybody at my school heard it! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?! Rachel: Oh no!!!! Oh my God!! This is all making so much sense to me now! This is why Adam Carter wouldn’t go out with me! This is why Billy Tratt would just stay in this region! Ross: Actually, Billy Tratt is gay now. So-so that one’s not really our fault. Rachel: Monica, how come you never told me this?! Monica: I thought it might be true. And I was afraid that you were gonna cry and then show it to me. Rachel: Joey stop staring! There’s nothing there! It’s not true! Joey: I’m afraid I’m gonna need proof. Rachel: Oh! Joey: You are my Everest. Monica: Joey, you don’t have to finish that. Joey: Oh yes I do. Otherwise what’s next? Today I’m just a guy who can’t finish a turkey, but tomorrow I’m the guy who eats half a Powerbar, wraps up the rest, and puts in the fridge? No! No, I just…I just—I gotta change my pants. Rachel: Okay! Okay! Listen to what Sean McMahon wrote in my yearbook senior year, "Dear Rach, you’re such a good person." Not girl! Person! Ross: Rach, I think you’re reading a little too much into it. Rachel: Ross: Look, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to call everyone in the entire school and tell them it wasn’t true?! Rachel: Yes! Will: Could you also tell them I’m skinny now? Monica: Oh! Me too! Ross: Well look-look I’m not calling anybody! Okay? It was like a million years ago! Rachel: I don’t care how long ago it was! You told people that I was half and half! Y’know what? I just want to point out I never did anything to hurt you in high school. Monica: That’s not totally true. Rachel: What? Ross: What? Monica: Well you-you did start that rumor about Ross making out with Mrs. Altman, our 50-year-old librarian. Ross: How did you know that?!!!! Monica: It’s true?!! Ross: No. Rachel: Yes it is! I saw you guys going at it behind the card catalog! Will: Mrs. Altman? She also made out with Takaka Ci-Kek the night before he went back to Thailand. Chandler: I’m sorry. When you were in high school you made out with a 50-year-old woman? Ross: Hey! She didn’t look 50! Chandler: Did she look 16? Rachel: Ohh, there’s a picture of her in the yearbook actually. Phoebe: Oh! Wow! Ross: She didn’t photograph well! Chandler: Well, she probably wasn’t familiar with the process having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings! Phoebe: So how did this happen? Did she, did she lure you to an early bird dinner? Ross: I was working late in the library one afternoon. It was just the two of us. She needed some help with her word jumble. And one thing led to another. If you must know, Anita was very gentle and tender. May she rest in peace… Monica: Didn’t she walk with a cane? Ross: Only when it was damp!! I’m back in the club! Will: Yeah! Phoebe: I wanna join! Rachel: Wh—Phoebe!! Phoebe: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I never got to be in a club. I-I didn’t go to high school, but three of us would meet behind a dumpster to learn French. Bonjour. Rachel: All right, y’know—Fine! You guys have your stupid little club, but I would just like to say is what you did to me is way worse than what I did to you! You gave me a tiney-wienie! Monica: All right, listen you’re just being silly. Rachel, even with that rumor you were one of the most popular girls in school and everyone wanted to be like you. One girl wanted to be like you so much she stuffed her pants with a Tootsie Roll! Rachel: Wow… Monica: And Ross, if it weren’t for Rachel’s rumor I mean no one in high school would even know who you were. She put you on the map! Ross: As a romancer of the elderly. Monica: Hey! Mrs. Altman was the kind of woman you could tell she used to be pretty. Ross: The eyes…did still sparkle. Monica: Hey guys this stuff is just so way in the past. You-you’ve been through so much since then. And right now you’ve got so much more important stuff going on in your life. Can’t you just let this go? Rachel: She’s right. Ross: Yeah. I mean we are having a baby together. Will: Hold on! You got her pregnant? Ross: Yeah. Will: Are ya getting married? Ross: Nope. Will: So you knocked her up but you’re not gonna marry her. Dude! Anybody? Phoebe: Okay. It’s exactly how I’d imagined it would be. Joey: All right where’s that turkey! Phoebe: Joey! Those are my maternity pants! Joey: Not now! These are my Thanksgiving pants! Closing Credits Joey: Well that’s it. I’m done. Whew! Monica: Well Joey, we’re all…we’re all very proud of you. Chandler: Yes, I believe we can expect a call from the President any moment now. Phoebe: Is there anything we can do for you? Joey: No just, nobody press on my stomach. Rachel: You can keep those pants by the way. Joey: Whoa—hey—wh-wh-what do you got there? What is that? Pie? Monica: Yeah, you want some? Joey: Ah, just cut me a little sliver. What?! Are you afraid you’re gonna run out?! Cut me a real piece! End Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones Story by: Robert Carlock Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Monica: Hey! So what do you think? Chandler: New haircut? Boots! Monica: Yes! Now, they’re a little more than I normally spend on boots…or rent Chandler: Oh my God! Monica: I know. Chandler: I’m gonna miss being able to afford food. Monica: I’m sorry, they just, they just look so good! And the saleswoman was looking at me like, "Oh, these are way too expensive for you." Chandler: She had a point. Rachel: Hi! Monica: Hey. Rachel: Oh my God! Oh Monica! Those boots are amazing! Monica: They’re mine! Chandler: Yeah well, too bad we’re gonna have to return them. Rachel: Return them?! Shh! They’re gonna hear you! Monica: Honey, I’m not returning them. Okay? I mean I-I know they cost a lot, but I’m going to wear them all the time. You’ll see. Besides, I love the compliments. I mean, have you ever had something so beautiful everyone wanted it? Chandler: I have you. Monica: Nice try; I’m keeping the boots. Opening Credits Ross: That’s right, I love you! And-and I’m gonna play with you all the time. Phoebe: How can you let him talk to your crotch like that? Rachel: He’s talking to the baby. Phoebe: Ohh! Okay! Okay, cause when-when he said, "I can’t wait to hear your first words," I thought, "There’s a trick." Rachel: Okay. Well, I gotta go you guys. I’ll see you later. Phoebe: Okay. Ross: Bye. Rachel: Bye. Joey: Oh hey Rach, listen—Hi! Rachel: Hi. Joey: Umm, can you do me a favor? I was talkin’ to my sister and she knows you work at Ralph Lauren… Rachel: No, forget it! No way! I am not sending anymore Ralph Lauren clothes to prison. It is a waste. Joey: No-no-no-no-no-no, not her, not her. My youngest sister, Dina, she’s really interested in fashion, and she wants to talk to someone successful, y’know, to give her some advice. Rachel: I guess I can talk to one of my supervisors… Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, she wants to talk to you! Rachel: Really?! Oh my God! I’m successful! Joey: Okay, so will you meet with her? Rachel: Yes! I’d love to! Have her come by the office. Joey: Great! Thanks! You’re gonna love her so much. And—Oh, she’s the smartest of all the Tribbiani children. Hey, y’know the S.A.T’s? Rachel: Yeah. Joey: She took ‘em! Phoebe: Hey Ross! Doesn’t Ben go to the Smithfield Day School? Ross: Yeah. Why? Phoebe: Sting has a son that goes there too! Ross: Yeah I know; he’s in Ben’s class. Phoebe: You knew this and you never said anything?! With all the stupid dinosaur stuff you tell us?! Ross: Fine! No more dinosaur stuff! Can I talk about fossils? Phoebe: Sting’s son, seven years old and there’s a picture. Ross: What are you reading? The Kidnappers Guide to Manhattan Private Schools? Phoebe: No, it’s New York magazine. It’s an article about the best schools in the city. So how well do you know Sting? Ross: Uh, I actually haven’t even met him. Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah that’s too bad. I really want to go to his concert Friday night, but it’s totally sold out. I know! Why don’t you meet him and get tickets?! If you get two I’ll take you. Ross: Well actually, I’m picking Ben up tomorrow, maybe he’ll be there. Phoebe: There you go! Oh, you are so lucky! You might actually get to meet Sting tomorrow! That’s why you have kids! Monica: Hey guys! Chandler: Hey-hey. Rachel: Hi Monica! Monica: Hey. Rachel: Hi boots. Monica: See Chandler? I’m getting a lot of use out of them already! They’re very practical. See, you can wear them with dresses, with skirts, with pants… Chandler: You can wear them with shorts on a street corner and earn the money to pay for them. Phoebe: Wow! They’re beautiful! Rachel: Ahh… Monica: They hurt so much! Phoebe: What?! Monica: The guy who made these hates feet and wants to see them die! Rachel: Well-well you can give them to me! I haven’t felt my feet in years! Monica: I can’t! I spent so much money on them and I told Chandler that I’d wear them all the time, I just can’t give them away! Phoebe: Well then get your money back and return them! Monica: I can’t do that either! The soles’ are already a little scuffed up and the insides are filled with my blood. Ross: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Ross: Hey I uh just picked up Ben from school… Chandler: I don’t think you did a very thorough job! Ross: I dropped him off at Carol’s. Anyway, it turns out that I’m not going to be able to get those tickets though. Phoebe: Oh no! Why not? Ross: Well it turns out that Ben and Sting’s son do not get along. Phoebe: How come?! Ross: Apparently, Sting’s son made fun of the fact that Ben’s moms are lesbinims. Phoebe: Wait! But Ross if they don’t get along then you should smooth things over. Make them be friends. Ross: Phoebe, you can’t force kids to be friends. Phoebe: Sure you can! Give them some blocks, put them in a playpen! Ross: Playpen?! Ben’s seven! Phoebe: Your kid is seven?! Please! Please get the tickets! Ross: Look I’m sorry Pheebs, I can’t do it. Phoebe: Yes you can! Sting says so himself! Ross: What? Phoebe: Rosssss can! Ross: Look Phoebe, I’m sorry it’s just… Phoebe: Rossss can! Ross: Phoebe, I… Phoebe: Rosss can! Give me the tickets! Ross can give me the tickets!! Joey: Here she is! Future fashion superstar! Rachel: Oh Joey, I’m hardly a… Joey: My little sister Dina! Rachel: Right! Hi Dina! Dina: Hi. Rachel: Nice to meet you. Dina: Thanks so much for meetin’ with me. Joey’s told me so much about you! Joey: This is so exciting for her. Well, I’ll let you two fash…ists get down to business. Rachel: Okay. All right Dina, well let’s talk about the different areas of fashion that you could get involved in. Let’s see, there’s design, but you may need a whole other degree for that. Uh, there’s-there’s sales, which is great because you get to travel… Dina: I…I don’t care about fashion! I’m pregnant! And I know you are too, so you gotta help me! Rachel: And there’s marketing… Monica: Ahhhhhhhh! Chandler: What’s wrong? Monica: Oh nothing I’m just—just was yawning. Chandler: Oh don’t forget, my office holiday party is tonight. Monica: Honey, we don’t really have to go to this thing tonight do we? Chandler: Now sweetie, I know you don’t like my office parties, but you can wear your new boots. See? Every cloud has a…supple leather lining. Monica: I-I don’t-I don’t think that I’m gonna wear the boots tonight. Chandler: Why not? Monica: Well y’know, I’m just-I’m just worried that bosses will see them and think they pay you too much money. Or! Or your assistant will see them and-and want a raise! Chandler: Do you think I work at some kind of boot pricing company? Monica: Anyway, I picked up this outfit that I want to wear and the, and the boots don’t really go with it. Chandler: You said that you paid all that money because those boots go with skirts, dresses, and pants! Monica: Fine! If you want me to wear the boots, I’ll wear the boots. In fact, I’ll go into my room right now and y’know try the outfit on. Chandler: Okay. Monica: Okay? Dina: I-I can’t go in there. I can’t tell him! Rachel: Honey, it’s going to be okay. He’s been incredibly supportive of me, and if he gets a little upset; that’s what the meatball sub is for. Dina: Thank you. Rachel: Okay. Joey: Hey! It’s my fashion girls! What’s wrong? Rachel: Honey, why don’t you sit down? Dina has something that she wants to tell you. Joey: Oh. What’s, what’s going on? Is it mom? Is she sick? Is it dad’s heart? Is that a sandwich? Dina: Joe, mom and dad are fine… Joey: Is that a sandwich?! Rachel: Joey…there’s something that you…should know. Dina? Dina: I’m pregnant. Joey: What?! Rachel: Joey: Well obviously this is a mistake! You can’t be pregnant! Because you have to have sex to get pregnant! Dina: Joe, I tried to wait until I was 25 like you did! Rachel: What?! Dina… Joey: I can’t believe this! You’re the good one! You went to college! Both years! Who did this to you?! Dina: Bobby Corso, but he’s a real nice guy. I like him a lot. He’s real funny. Joey: You got pregnant for funny?! Dina…if he’s funny…laugh! All right, I’ll be back in a little while! You stay here! Dina: Why? Where are you going? Joey: I can’t look at you right now! Dina: Wow. Rachel: I know. Commercial Break Phoebe: Oh, there you are Ben! Ben: Aunt Phoebe, what are you doing here? Phoebe: Well, I heard you’re having a problem with one of the boys in your class. And so I thought I would just come down here and sit you both down, have a little talk and make it all okay. Now umm, the boy’s name is Sting’s son. Ben: Jack? I hate him! He’s a jerk. Phoebe: Now Ben, sometimes people may seem like jerks on the outside, but they have famous fathers. Ben: I have to go. My friend Doug is waiting for me over there. Phoebe: Him you’re friends with. The Teacher: Excuse me. Can, can I help you with something? Phoebe: Yes! Yes you can, I’m looking for Jack’s parents. The Teacher: Are you with one of the students? Phoebe: Uh-huh, I’m with Ben. The Teacher: Are you one of Ben’s mothers? Phoebe: I am one of Ben’s mothers. I’m a lesbian. It was, it was difficult coming out to my parents. The Teacher: Well hi, I’m Jenny Boone. I’m the new teacher here. Phoebe: Oh. The Teacher: I’ve only met your partner Carol. Phoebe: Ah! Okay so that would make me Susan. The Teacher: Right. Are you looking for Jack’s parents to discuss the problems he’s having with Ben? Yeah. Because I really do think the parents should sit down and have a conversation. Phoebe: Yeah! Let’s do that!! That-that sounds good. We should sit down and talk, just me, my lover Carol, and the Stings. Umm, how-how will I get in touch with them? The Teacher: Oh, their number is on the contact sheet. Phoebe: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Umm, could-could I get a copy of that? ‘Cause Carol threw it out, she lost ours. She’s such a scatterbrain, but man what a hot piece of ass. Chandler: Y’know, that party wasn’t bad. Monica: Yeah! I didn’t know there would be dancing. That was a fun surprise! Chandler: I don’t see any uh, cabs. Maybe we should just walk? Monica: Oh no, we can’t walk! Chandler: What honey, it’s like fifteen blocks to the subway. Let’s go. Monica: Hey! Do you think that we can get to the subway right there if we climb down through the manhole cover? Chandler: What’s going on? Monica: I can’t walk. Okay? Okay? These boots were a huge mistake! Chandler: What? Monica: Okay you were right! All right, I never should have bought them! They’re killing me! One toe at a time! Chandler: So I was right. This is what it feels like to be right. It’s oddly unsettling. Monica: How are we gonna get home? Maybe a piggy-back ride? Chandler: Hop on. Monica: Okay. Wait, just give me a second, I need to just get my boots off first. Ah…Ooh…Oohh…Ohh…Oh God…Ohh…Oh…Ohh…Ohhhh… Chandler: Honey, I know you’re in pain right now, but I’m a little turned on. Dina: Do you ever worry that you’ll be walking and your baby will just like slip out? Rachel: What college was that Dina? Dina: Oh my God! Bobby! Bobby: Hi Dina. Good to see you. Rachel: Joey, what are you doing? Joey: Just what needs to be done! Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join this man and this woman… Rachel: Oh Joey this is crazy! Joey: Don’t interrupt me when I’m talkin’ to God! Now where were we? Oh right, okay. Do you Dina, take this man… Dina: No! Joey: Oh you’ll take ‘em! Dina: No I won’t! Joey: Hey! You don’t get a say in this! Dina: Yes I do! Joey: Ahhh! I heard "I do", we’re halfway there! Okay! You! Rachel: All right Joey! That is enough! Listen, as beautiful and moving as this ceremony is, it’s not legal. Okay? They-they don’t have a marriage license, they don’t have any witnesses, and the groom only has on one shoe! Bobby: Yeah, he took the other one off and hit me with it. Joey: Well what am I supposed to do? Rachel: You’re supposed to realize that they are adults! And that they can make their own decisions. Joey: No they can’t! They were stupid enough to get knocked up! Rachel: Heyyyyy! Contraceptives are not always effective! Right? Bobby: Yeah…we kinda didn’t use any… Rachel: Oh, come on kids! A little help here! Phoebe: Wow! This place is incredible! Trudie Styler: Hi! Phoebe: Hi! Trudie Styler: I’m Trudie. Phoebe: Uh-huh. Trudie Styler: You must be Ben’s mum. Phoebe: Why else would I be here? Trudie Styler: Do sit down. Phoebe: Uh-huh. Trudie Styler: I gather Jack and Ben haven’t been getting along lately. Phoebe: Yeah. Trudie Styler: I’m told there are two sides to this story, but all I’ve heard is that Ben’s a bit of a poo-poo head. Phoebe: Umm, I’m sorry. Won’t-won’t Jack’s father be joining us? Trudie Styler: Oh I’m sorry, Jack’s father is not available. Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Okay. Well then, could we reschedule? For say, Friday night perhaps at 8 o’clock? Trudie Styler: Oh no, I know that wouldn’t work. My husband’s in concert. Phoebe: Concert. Yeah. That does put us in…quite a pickle. Because you see I’m very busy before and after the concert, and he’s obviously busy during. Trudie Styler: So, I guess you and I should talk about Jack and Ben right now. Phoebe: Unless! Unless umm, okay I-I would be willing to go to the concert, umm, all the while thinking about the children of course. Trudie Styler: Are you here for tickets? Phoebe: Oh, thank you. Four would be great. Trudie Styler: I’m not giving concert tickets to someone who’d use their son like this! Phoebe: Oh good! Then you’re in luck! Ben’s not my son! Trudie Styler: Look, I’ve just pressed a button, triggering a silent alarm. Any minute now, the police will be here! Phoebe: The Police? Here? A reunion?! Chandler: Okay, ten blocks down. Five to go. Monica: Oh wait! Stop! Stop! Stop! Chandler: Oh I’m sorry! Do you need a break? Monica: My boots in tan! Hey! Can you get a little closer so I can see the price? Chandler: I can see it from right here. It’ll cost you one husband. Monica: Okay, I’m sorry. I think I can walk the rest of the way now. Just-just give me my boots. Chandler: I don’t have your boots. Monica: Well I don’t have them either. Where are they? Chandler: Well, why don’t you check in one of my saddlebags while I chew on a bale of hay! Monica: Okay. God well, we gotta go back and get them! Chandler: Honey, are you seriously ever gonna wear the boots again? Monica: Okay, I’m never gonna wear them again. I just didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. Chandler: Y’know what? You can say goodbye to the tan ones. Monica: Okay. All right. Chandler: Okay. Monica: Rachel: Joey, just because they’re not getting married doesn’t mean this is going to be a disaster. Maybe they have a plan! Joey: Oh? Oh! Okay! Okay! Let’s hear their plan! Now, what’s the future look like for Dina and Bobby? Bobby: Well…I really have high hopes for my band. Joey: You were right. He is funny. Rachel: Hey, now wait a minute! I get when you told people at first that you wanted to be an actor they laughed at you! Now come on Bobby, why don’t you tell us a little bit about your band? Bobby: Well it’s just me and my pal Rooster, the band’s name is Numb Nuts. Rachel: Joey: Dina, if you’re having a baby you should be married! Even if it is to Bobby! Dude, that’s not a compliment! Dina: No Joey! I knew you wouldn’t be supportive! Joey: So whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! What are you gonna do? You’re gonna have the baby and-and raise it by yourself…without a husband?! You can’t be a single mother alone! You’re gonna ruin your life! Rachel: Oh excuse me! Am I ruining my life? Joey: No! No! No! It’s different for you. You’re so strong and together. You’re not some dumb kid who doesn’t know what she’s doing. Dina: Excuse me? Joey: One pregnant woman at a time, please! I just want you to be okay. Rachel: So forcing her to marry Bobby is gonna make that happen? Joey: Maybe! Well! Well…so-so uh, what kind of music does Numb Nuts—Oh forget it! I can’t! Dina: Joey, I am scared to death about this. But I really think I can do it, I’m just gonna need some help. And Bobby’s gonna be here the whole time. Bobby: You bet I am! Dina: Look, Rachel’s told me how much easier you’ve made all this on her. Why can’t you do that for me? Joey: Because! ‘Cause… ‘Cause you’re my baby sister! Dina: And you’re my big brother! I mean, you’re my favorite guy in the whole world. I’m not even scared to tell mom and dad. I was scared of telling you. Joey: Well I’d be scared of them, but all right. Dina: Joey, I can’t stand the thought of having this baby with you mad at me. I want him to have his uncle. Is my baby gonna have his Uncle Joey? Joey: Of course he’s gonna have his Uncle Joey! Dina: We’re gonna be all right. I mean, even if we’re not married this baby is gonna be so loved. Not just by us. Joey: That’s right! By his uncle too! Bobby: And by you. Rachel: Okay Bobby, why don’t we just come over here and let them have a little moment. Joey: Come here! Rachel: No! Seriously! What’s wrong with you?! Closing Credits Ross: You’re gonna love me so much. I got Sting tickets!! Phoebe: Oh my God! I do love you! How did you do it?! Ross: Well…let’s just say… Rosss caaaaan! Phoebe: Oo, where are the seats? Ross: Uh, middle balcony. Phoebe: Okay, now would you say that that’s more than 50 yards away from Sting, his wife, or a member of his family? Ross: Yeah. Phoebe: Then that’s not breaking the law! I’m there! End Written by: Robert Carlock Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Rachel: Phoebe? Phoebe: Yeah? Rachel: Look at that guy by the window, wow! Phoebe: He’s awfully short and I think he’s talking to himself. And to be completely honest, he’s not that good in bed. Rachel: Oh, what is wrong with me lately? I mean it’s like every guy I see—I mean look here. Look at that guy for example, I mean normally that’s not someone I would-would be attracted to, but right now, with the way I’m feeling, all I want to do is rip off his sweatpants and fanny pack. Phoebe: Wait a second! This is about the fourth month of your pregnancy, right? Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: This is completely normal, around the fourth month your hormones start going crazy. Rachel: Really?! So this has happened to you? Phoebe: Oh absolutely yeah! Oh and keep in mind, now, I was carrying triplets so in, y’know, medical terms I was-I was thrice as randy. Rachel: Wow! This explains so much! Last weekend, I went from store to store sitting on Santa’s lap. Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, I remember trying to steal a cardboard cutout of Evander Holyfield from a Foot Locker. Rachel: Ah. Phoebe: Yeah. Rachel: Well, y’know what? I go see my doctor tomorrow, I’ll ask her about this. Maybe she can give me a pill or something. Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, that’s what you need a good…pill. Opening Credits Mona: Hey! Hey! Ross: Hi! Mona: Hi! Look! I got our pictures developed from Rockefeller Center. Ross: Oh great! Hey-hey Joey, do you want to check out pictures of me and Mona ice skating? Joey: Oh uh, ordinarily I would love too, but I am just swamped right now. Ross: Hey where-where are the pictures that creepy pretzel vendor took of us together? Mona: Oh yeah, probably at the end. Oh my God! He only took pictures of my breasts! Joey: I’m missin’ picture time?! Phoebe: Y’know she has a face Ross! Mona: Okay. Okay, here’s a good one of us. Ross: Wow! That is a good one! Wow, it looks like a, like a holiday card y’know, with the tree in the middle and the skaters and the snow. Mona: Y’know, every year I say I’m gonna send out holiday cards and I never do it. Do you wanna, do you wanna send this one out together? Ross: Together? Like-like to people? Mona: Yeah, y’know. Happy holidays from Mona and Ross. It’ll be cute, okay? Ross: Okay. Mona: Oh, I gotta get to work. So call me later? Ross: Uh sure, sure. Mona: Bye guys. Phoebe: Bye. Joey: Congratulations! You just got married! Ross: I know. Can you believe that? Phoebe: Wait, I’m-I’m sorry. What’s the big deal about a holiday card? Ross: Married couples send out cards, families send out cards, people who have been dating for a couple of months do not send out cards! What-what is she crazy?! Joey: Hey-hey-hey, hey that’s your wife you’re talking about! Doug: Bing! Ho! And the Bing-ette! Chandler: Honey, you remember my boss Doug right? Monica: Yes, hi. Doug: Hi. So good news, the divorce is final. I signed the papers this A.M. Chandler: I didn’t know you and Carol were getting divorced, I’m sorry. Doug: Sorry? Finally chewed my leg out of that bear trap. Hey, congratulations to you guys though! Monica: No leg-chewing for us sir. Doug: Oh well, give it time. So the divorce, the marriage, we’ve got a lot to celebrate. How about we all go out to dinner tomorrow night? Monica: I can’t think of anything we’re doing. Why can’t I think of anything we’re doing? Doug: Tomorrow night it is then, I should be out of court by six. They keep throwing these sexual harassment cases at me and I keep knocking them out of the park! Monica: Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow! I-I cannot spend another evening with that man. Do you remember how he behaved at our wedding? Chandler: No. Monica: That’s because he wasn’t invited because of the way he behaved at our engagement party. Chandler: Oh yeah. Boy, urine cuts right through an ice sculpture doesn’t it? Mona: Hi! Ross: Hey! Mona: Hey, I went by the photo shop, take a look, here is a mockup of our card. What do you think? Ross: Huh. Wow, this is great. Mona: Now, do you think it should say, "Love Ross and Mona?" Ross: Well, we-we haven’t said that to each other yet, but I guess its okay to say it to other people. Mona: How many did you want? I’m getting a hundred. Ross: A hundred?! Well, I-I guess I’ll take a—Mona, uh…I-I’m not sure about the whole uh, card thing. Mona: Really? Why not? Ross: Sending out a holiday card, together, I mean I just don’t know if we’re really quite there yet. Mona: Oh y’know, I didn’t think of it that way. You’re right. You’re right. So, can I ask you a question? Ross: Yeah. Mona: Where are we? Ross: Huh. Mona: Y’know, like where are we? Where is this relationship going? Ross: Hmm… Mona: I mean I love spending time with you, y’know I just—I hope we’re moving forward. I mean, we should probably talk about that. Don’t you think? Ross: Let’s do the card! Mona: What? Ross: The card! I think we’re there! Mona: Okay. I—But I think we should still have this conversation. Ross: Really?! I mean, even with the card? Nurse: Hi! Rachel: Hi! Nurse: Just so you know, Dr. Long can’t be here today, she was called to the hospital, so Dr. Schiff will be seeing you. Rachel: Oh, okay. Hey, can I ask you a question? Was it me, or-or was the guy who took my blood sample really cute? Y’know who I’m talking about, bald haircut, hairy fingers… Dr. Schiff: Rachel: Yes, you are. Dr. Schiff: So, how’s it going? Rachel: Oh, really, really good. But enough about me, come on! Where-where are you from? What do you do? Dr. Schiff: I’m a doctor. Rachel: Right! Right! I-I actually meant in your spare time, do you cook? Do you ski? Or do you just hang out with your wife or girlfriend? Dr. Schiff: Uh, I don’t have a wife or girlfriend, but I do like to ski. Rachel: Oh, I love to ski! How amazing is this?! Dr. Schiff: So, are you experiencing any discomfort? Rachel: No. I’m very comfortable. Dr. Schiff: Any painful gas? Rachel: No! Shoot, Dr. Schiff what kind of question is that?! Dr. Schiff: Okay then, would you like to lie down on the table? Rachel: Well would you like me to lie down on the table? Dr. Schiff: I’m sorry, is there something going on here? Rachel: Do you feel it too? Rachel: Hi. Phoebe: Oh hey! So, how did your doctor’s appointment go? Rachel: Well, let’s see. Uh, they gave me cute doctor today and in the middle of the exam I put my pinky in his chin dimple. Phoebe: Oh my God. Monica: Why did you do that? Phoebe: Okay, remember that little problem I was having during my fourth month of pregnancy? Monica: Oh yeah, the Evander Holyfield phase. Oh man you were so hard up you practically came on to me. Phoebe: You wish. Monica: Hey, I could’ve had you if I wanted you. Phoebe: Oh yeah? Come and get it. Rachel: Okay, even this is turning me on! Ross: Hey! Rachel: Oh hey! Hey Ross! Hey how’s it, how’s it going with you and Mona? Are you guys still together? Ross: Oh yeah, yeah we’re moving forward. You’ll be getting our card! Monica: You and Mona are doing a holiday card together? Ross: Yeah, we’re not just doing a card! Y’know, she-she also wants to have the conversation about where the relationship is going. Phoebe: Ugh! Women! Ross: I know! I know! Why do you guys need to have this conversation?! Huh? I mean no self-respecting man would ask a woman, "So, where is this going?" Rachel: Uh Ross? You asked me that. Ross: Hey! You were a closed book! Okay? I’m not a mind reader! Besides, I hate those conversations. I’m horrible at them. Really! Maybe-maybe I need kind of a gesture. Y’know, something that says we’re moving forward without having to talk about it. Monica: Like asking her to move in with you? Ross: Smaller than that. Monica: Making her a mixed tape? Ross: Uh, bigger than that. Phoebe: Give her a key to your apartment. Ross: Whoa-hello! We were closer with the mixed tape. Monica: All right. Have you said, "I love you?" You could say, I love you. Ross: Yeah I-I don’t-I don’t think I’m quite there yet, but I could say I looove spending time with you. Phoebe: No, we hate that. Monica: That is a slap in the face. Ross: Forget it. I-I—Y’know what? I’ll just have the conversation. I’ll just say I like things the way they are, and hope for the best. What do you think Rach? Rachel: I think, if it was a little colder in here I could see your nipples through that sweater. Doug: Bing! We’re all set for tonight, 8 o’clock. Chandler: Oh uh, as it turns out, we can’t do it. Monica has to work. Doug: Oh, my ex-wife didn’t work, unless you call turning into her mother work. Fine. Tomorrow night then. Chandler: Oh uh well tomorrow’s no good for her either. Doug: Oh? Why not? Chandler: It’s the semi-finals…of her…botchy ball tournament. Doug: What’s going on Bing? Does uh, your wife have a problem with me or something? Chandler: Well now-now you’re just talking crazy. Doug: So why can’t the three of us go out together? Chandler: Because uh…we-we…we split up. Monica and I split up. Hold me. Doug: Good God Bing I…well I can’t say I’m altogether surprised, I saw the way she looked at you, and there was no love there. And the way she looked at me, pure lust. Chandler: Y’know what would really help me through this tough time is choking something. Can I choke ya? Doug: Bing my boy, we’re gonna get you over this. Now here’s the plan, grab your coat, we’re going to a strip club. Chandler: Oh no-no-no, Monica would freak. But to hell with that bitch. Ross: Here we go. Mona umm, I think it’s time we-we had a conversation about-about where things are with us. Mona: Yeah, I-I think I suggested that. Ross: Aw, we-we are so… Mona: Okay. Ross: I mean, there’s no point in spending time with someone if-if it’s just fun. It’s gotta be, it’s gotta be going somewhere right? So where-where is it going? Ah! That’s-that’s the real question. And-and the answer is…is it’s going somewhere…fun. Now I-I know what you’re thinking, fun was fine for you like ten years ago y’know, but you’re-you’re not getting any younger. No I mean—No not you, not you, you—you are getting younger. I mean—you-you look like you’re getting younger by the second—What’s your secret? Mona: I’m sorry, so umm, so where are we? Ross: Well, well to sum up, we’re having fun, you look young. Mona: Okay… Ross: But that’s not enough. So… So…here’s a key to my apartment. Mona: Really?! Ross: Really. Mona: You don’t think this is too fast. Commercial Break Rachel: You gave her a key to your apartment?! Ross: Not just a key, I gave her the only key! I am now a homeless person in a very serious relationship. Phoebe: Hey. Ooh Ross! How’d the conversation go? Ross: Oh great, I live on the street. Phoebe: Where?! Rachel: Hey! Phoebe: Hi! Okay, Monica, Rachel, this is my friend Roger. Roger: Hey everybody. Monica: Hi Roger. Phoebe: So umm, I’m gonna get us some drinks. Would you help me out? Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: Umm, he’s here to have sex with you. Rachel: What? Phoebe: You’re welcome. Rachel: Phoebe no! Phoebe: It’s okay, he’s a virgin. Monica: Rachel umm, I was just talking to this guy and I think he’ll have sex with you. Phoebe: Yeah, okay let’s leave these two alone. Rachel: No! I do not care what my hormones are doing, I am not going to just do it with some random guy! Phoebe: Fine! Then you tell Roger because he was really looking forward to this! Doug: Oh Bing, look at those twin sisters dancing together. Let me buy you a lap dance with those girls. Huh? Chandler: Oh that’s all right sir, and that’s just one girl. Doug: Bing—What’s this?! Chandler: It’s a hand. It’s a thing you use as a Jack and Coke holder. Doug: No, it’s a wedding ring. You gotta get rid of it. We’re gonna go to the East River right now and throw it in there! Chandler: Oh no-no-no! Doug: Oh yeah-yeah-yeah, y’know I did it and I felt a hell of a lot better and if you whip it just right you might hit a seagull in the head. Ross: Okay, and oh I’m gonna need a bunch of extra keys. Apparently I give them away for no reason at all. Mona: Hey Ross, what’s going on? You changing the lock? Ross: No. That guy is. Mona: I don’t understand. You-you give me a key to your apartment and then you change the lock. Locksmith: Good luck buddy. Mona: Umm, I-I thought we were moving forward and now you’re-you’re sending me all these mixed signals. What are you trying to tell me? Ross: I’m trying to tell you I made you a mix tape. Mona: What? Ross: I love you! Mona: Ohh! Chandler: Hi honey I’m home. Monica: From the tequila factory? Chandler: It was awful. To get out of going to dinner with Doug I told him that you and I split up. So then he took me to all these strip clubs and sleazy bars, and then when I wouldn’t give him my wedding ring, he threw a soda can at a bird! Monica: Come here. I can breath through my mouth. Chandler: Y’know what the worse part was? I got to see what my life would be like without you. It was like It’s a Wonderful Life with lap dances. Please promise that you will never leave me, that we will grow old together, and be with each other for the rest of our lives. Monica: I promise. Hey, speaking of together, how about we send out a holiday card this year? Chandler: Ooh, I don’t know if we’re there yet. Rachel: Yes. Hi, I’d like to order a pizza. Okay, can I ask you a question? Is-is the cute blond guy delivering tonight? Very Ambercrombie & Fitch. I’ll call you back. Joey: Who was that? Rachel: It’s just the pizza place. Joey: You hung up on the pizza place? I don’t hang up on your friends. Rachel: I’m sorry honey, I’m just having a, having a rough day. Joey: Oh, what’s wrong? Rachel: Oh you really, you really just don’t want to hear about it. Joey: Then why did I ask? Rachel: Okay, it’s just—and this is really embarrassing—but lately with this whole pregnancy thing I’m just finding myself…how do I put this umm, erotically charged. Joey: Is that college talk for horny? Rachel: Yeah. So y’know, I have all of these feelings and I don’t know what to do about them, because I can’t date like a normal person, which is fine because I don’t need a relationship, I mean all I really want is one great night. Just sex, y’know? No strings attached, no relationship, just with someone that I feel comfortable with and who knows what he’s doing. For just one great night, I mean is that really so…hard…to find. So how was your day? Joey: Good, I uh, I saw a pretty big pigeon. Rachel: Well, I gotta get up early and it’s almost seven o’clock. Joey: Yeah, I gotta, I gotta go to my room too. Rachel: Okay, good night! Joey: Good night. Joey: I can’t do it! Rachel: I didn’t ask you to do it! Joey: You’re Rachel! Rachel: You’re Joey! Joey: You’re my friend! Rachel: Right back at ya! Joey: But plus, it would be wrong and weird and-and-and bad. Rachel: And so bad. I don’t even know what you’re talking about because I didn’t ask you to do anything! Joey: I know! Joey: Do you wanna do it? Rachel: No! Joey: All right, me neither! I was just testing you! Rachel: That’s the end of this conversation! Joey: This conversation never happened! Rachel: Never happened! Good night! Joey: Good night! Joey: Get back in there! Closing Credits Phoebe: Hi. Listen, I’m sorry about that whole thing with Roger. It really wasn’t right, and I, and I want to make it up to you, so umm, I brought you something that I think you’ll really enjoy. End Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer Directed by: David Schwimmer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Phoebe: Hey! I got you a present!! Chandler: Oh my goodness! Where did you hide it? Phoebe: I got it for your wedding and I ordered it weeks ago, and it finally got here! Chandler: Pheebs you didn’t have to get us anything for our wedding you already sang… Monica: Phoebe: It’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine!! Monica: Oh my God! Phoebe: I didn’t know where to put it so I just left it here for now. Monica: Oh well, maybe we can put it in the guest bedroom. Chandler: Oh, okay. Monica: All right. Chandler: I kinda like it here. Phoebe: Do you really like it? Monica: Are you kidding?! I practically spent my entire childhood at the arcade! This is like—Oh my, this is like my second favorite game! Phoebe: Oh really? What was your first? Monica: Well I-I really don’t remember the name of it. Chandler: Well what did it do? Monica: Well, you just—you put a quarter in and y’know pull-pull some handles and win like a candy bar or something. Chandler: A vending machine? Monica: Don’t feel bad for me! I won like every time! Opening Credits Ross: Hey! Oh, I’m so glad you guys are here. I’ve been dying to tell someone what happened in the Paleontology department today. Joey: Do you think he saw us or can we still sneak out? Ross: Professor Neuman, the head of the department, so…. Rachel: They made you head of the department! Ross: No, I get to teach one of his advanced classes! Joey: Oh! Hey Rach, listen umm… Rachel: Yeah. Joey: I got a big date coming up, do you know a good restaurant? Rachel: Uh, Paul’s Caf�. They got great food and it’s really romantic. Joey: Ooh, great! Thanks! Rachel: Yeah! Oh, and then afterwards you can take her to the Four Seasons for drinks. Or you go downtown and listen to some jazz. Or dancing—Oh! Take her dancing! Joey: You sure are naming a lot of ways to postpone sex, I’ll tell ya… Rachel: Ooh, I miss dating. Gettin’ all dressed up and going to a fancy restaurant. I’m not gonna be able to do that for so long, and it’s so much fun! I mean not that sitting at home worrying about giving birth to a sixteen pound baby is not fun. Joey: Hey, y’know what? Rachel: Huh? Joey: Why don’t I take you out? Rachel: What?! Joey, you don’t want to go on a date with a pregnant lady. Joey: Yes I do! And we’re gonna go out, we’re gonna have a good time, and take your mind off of childbirth and c-sections and-and giant baby heads stretching out… Rachel: Okay! I’ll go with ya! I’ll go! I’ll go with ya. Joey: I’ll be fun. Rachel: All right? Phoebe: No. No! Yes! Ahh. Oh, would you look at that Monica? I just knocked off all of your top scores, how sad. Monica: Okay, I’m next. Don’t! Don’t start another game! I said I’m next! Phoebe! Phoebe: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you over all the winning. Monica: Chandler! Phoebe’s hogging the game! Chandler: Who cares? It’s a stupid game. Monica: You only think it’s stupid because you suck at it. Chandler: I don’t suck. It’s sucks. You suck. Phoebe: Wait okay, if this game is gonna cause problems between the two of you, then maybe I should just keep it. Monica: No! No-no! I love it! It is a great present! In fact, why don’t you go home and wait for the thank you card? Chandler: Why do you want to play this game so bad? Phoebe: Yeah! It’s not like it spits out a Clark bar after every game. Monica: Okay. Phoebe that’s it. Come on, get out—out of the chair. Get out! Oh come…Phoebe! Rachel: Joey? Could you get that? What are you doing here? I thought you were in your room? Joey: No, I’m picking you up for our date. These are for you. Rachel: Ohh, Lilies. Joey, they’re my favorite. Thank you. Joey: And, a brownie! Well, half a brownie. Actually, it’s just bag. It’s been a long walk from the flower shop and I was startin’ to feel faint so… Rachel: Oh man! This is so great! I actually feel like I’m going on a real date! Although, I have a hint of morning sickness, and I’m wearing underwear that goes up to about……there. Joey: Hey come on now, this is a real date. Uh, so…nice place you got here. Foosball, huh? Pizza box. Oh, a subscription to Playboy, my kind of woman. Rachel: Yeah, actually that’s my roommate’s. Joey: I would like to meet him. He sounds like a stand up guy. Rachel: Ah yes, but he’s very protective of me so you’d better watch yourself. Joey: Ah… Hey, so this roommate of yours…is he good looking? Rachel: Hm-mmm. Joey: Oh yeah, it must be tough to keep your hands of him, huh? Rachel: Yeah, but I’m pretty sure he’s gay. Joey: No-no-no-no, he’s not! No! Why are you trying to ruin the game? Come on! Ross: …which brings us back, of course, to Greely’s theory of dominance. Okay, that-that’s all for today. Oh, uh does anyone know where the Freeman building is? Student: Yeah, it’s the new building on Avenue A. Ross: What?! That-that’s all the way cross town, I’m supposed to teach a graduate seminar there in ten minutes. Student: Ooh, dude. That’s not gonna happen. Ross: Move it! Move it! Move it!! Hey!!! I’m the teacher!! Ross: Hello. So to sum up, I’m Professor Geller. Good job today. Rachel: Now the filet mignon, what comes with that? Waitress: There’s a side of steamed vegetables. Rachel: Emmm. Now, instead of the vegetables, is there anyway I can substitute the three-pound lobster? Joey: Y’know what? Bring her both, and I’ll have the same. Rachel: Wow! This is shaping up to be a pretty good date—Oh, I almost forgot. I didn’t pay you the rent check. Joey: Oh whoa-whoa-whoa, no roommate stuff. Okay? We’re on a date. Rachel: Okay. Wow! So I get to see what Joey Tribbiani is like on a date. So do you have any moves? Joey: No! No. Umm, just myself and if they don’t like me for— I’m sorry I couldn’t even get through that. Rachel: I knew it! I knew it. Come on tell me your moves. Joey: Oh alright. Umm, well, okay, I usually start by having a bottle of wine sent to my table from a fan. Rachel: Oh my God. And that works?! Joey: Well it does when you combine it with, "This is so embarrassing, I just want to have a normal life!" Rachel: Oh, you poor little famous man. Joey: Oh okay, how about this one. I was gonna wait until the end of the night to kiss you, but you’re so beautiful…I don’t think I can. Rachel: Oh my God! Wow! That was fantastic, I almost leaned in. I really almost did! Joey: Alright, so…so tell me one of your moves. Rachel: Alright. So where’d you grow up? Joey: That’s your move? Boy Rach, you’re lucky you’re hot. Rachel: Come on, just answer the question! Joey: Queens. Rachel: And so were-were you close to your parents? Joey: Yeah, with my mom. Yeah, not so much with my dad. Rachel: Why not? Joey: I don’t know. I guess there’s just always been this distance y’know—I mean we both try to pretend it’s not there, but it is. Rachel: It’s gotta be rough. Joey: Yeah, it is. It’s really tough. Y’know sometimes I think—Wow!! Nice move! Rachel: Huh? Joey: "Where’d you grow up," it’s so simple! Rachel: Thank you! And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the rest room. Joey: Yeah. Rachel: And now you’re watching me walk away. Joey: Yes I am! Again so simple! Monica: Hey. Chandler: You are not going to believe what I did today! Monica: Well it clearly wasn’t showering or shaving. Chandler: I got good. I played this game all day and now I rule at it! They should change the name of it to Ms. Chandler. Although I-I hope they don’t. Monica: Wait a minute, you stayed home all day and played Ms. Pac-Man while I went off to work like some kind of chump?! Chandler: Uh-huh, and I got all the top ten scores, I erased Phoebe off the board! High five! Monica: What is the matter with your hand? Chandler: Well I’ve been playing it for like eight hours, it’ll loosen up. Come on, check out the scores. Oh, and also look at the initials, they’re dirty words. Monica: Chandler, why would you do that? Chandler: Because it’s awesome. Monica: You think this is clever? Chandler: Well y’know, they only give you three letters, so after A-S-S it is a bit of a challenge. Monica: Hey wait a minute, this one isn’t dirty. Chandler: It is when you put it together with that one. Monica: Ah, well if you don’t clear this off, you won’t be getting one of those from me. But Ben’s coming over here tomorrow to play this game, this can’t be there. Chandler: Come on, he won’t even know what they mean. Monica: Chandler! He’s seven; he’s not stupid. Chandler: Have you talked to him lately? Monica: All right, look I’m just gonna unplug it. Chandler: No-no-no, if you unplug it, I’ll have nothing to show for my day! It would be like I was at work. Chip in it or something! Monica: Honey you-you got to beat your scores! Chandler: With the claw?! Monica: All right fine. Fine, I’ll do it. I’ve just got to get this off the screen. Carol and Susan are still upset that you taught him pull my finger. Chandler: —My hand is messed up. Rachel: I am not gonna answer that! Joey: Oh come on! Just pick one! Between Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross if you had to, if you had to, who would you punch? Rachel: No one! They are my friends, I wouldn’t punch any of them. Joey: Chandler? Rachel: Yeah, but I don’t know why. Look at me, I’m having such a wonderful time! Joey: Me too! Hey Rach, can I just say I think this is the best date I ever had! Rachel: I know! Joey: I never laughed so hard—Did you see the wine come out of my nose? Rachel: Joey, I think everyone saw the wine come out of your nose. Joey: I gotta say, I never knew I could enjoy the non-sex part of the date so much. Rachel: Well that is because you have never been on a date with me before. Joey: Huh. Huh. Rachel: All right, now don’t judge me. I normally wait until my date leaves, but you live here. I’m ripping into this swan. Joey: Ah! Okay, well then you don’t judge me. I’m gonna suck on the cellophane from the brownie I had before. Rachel: So tell me, what are Joey Tribbiani’s end of the night moves? Joey: Ah, well, if I want the girl to kiss me, first thing I do is make my lips look irresistible. Rachel: How do you do that? Joey: Now you can’t tell anyone, but uh…I put on shiny lip balm. Rachel: Oh my God! Joey: Yeah, like a moth to a flame, I’m telling ya. Okay all right, so now you go. Rachel: No, I don’t want to tell you. Joey: Why not? Rachel: Because it’s embarrassing. Joey: More embarrassing than shiny raspberry lip balm?! I didn’t say raspberry before did I? All right just-just tell me Rach, just tell me! Rachel: Well, when we’re at the door, I lightly press my lips against his, and then move into his body just for a second, and then I make this sound, "Hmmm." Okay, I know it doesn’t sound like anything, but I swear it works. Joey: Yeah. Why—Yeah, that would work for ya… Rachel: All right, I gotta go to bed. Honey, I had such a wonderful time. Joey: Oh. Commercial Break Rachel: …you were 50 minutes late to the class, what did you crawl there?! Ross: No, I ran. It was really far, and when did people stop understanding the phrase, "Get the hell out of my way!" Rachel: Well, why didn’t you just take a cab? Ross: Ugh, between the traffic that time of day and all the one-way streets it’ll take me twice as long. Besides, I teach the class three times a week, who am I? Rockefeller? Rachel: Well you’re not gonna be able to keep doing this. Ross: Well I have to. Okay? If I don’t, they’ll take the class away from me. And…I already put it in my family newsletter. Rachel: You what? Ross: You’ve seen it, the Geller Yeller. Rachel: Right. Wow! Ross: Besides, I-I think I figured out a much faster route, I’m sure I can make it this time. I just…I just can’t be afraid to get a little bit…hit by cars. Joey: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Hey, remember how last night we were talking about that movie Cujo? Joey: Oh yeah, I still can’t believe you haven’t seen Cujo. What is wrong with you? Rachel: Relax! It’s not like it’s Citizen Kane! Joey: Have you ever tried to sit through Citizen Kane? Rachel: Yeah I know it’s really boring, but it’s like a big deal. Anyway, I was thinking about renting Cujo sometime. Joey: Oh yeah? All right, let’s do it tonight. Rachel: Well don’t you have that big date tonight? Joey: Oh right! Rachel: Hey Joey, can I ask you something? Joey: Yeah. Rachel: After our date last night, did you feel a little weird? Joey: Oh my God! You did too? It totally freaked me out, what was that?! Rachel: I don’t know! I’m-I’m kinda thinking it-it was the lobster… Joey: Oh yeah-yeah, the lobster. Rachel: Yeah, I mean I was up sick all night. Joey: Yeah me too, all night. Rachel: Really?! How come we didn’t cross paths? Joey: Yeah well that’s because uh…I stayed in my room. Yeah, you don’t want to look in my hamper. Monica: Okay, I got that. I’ll escape over there. I’ll come back over here. All right, come on Ms. Pac-Man. It’s got—Right— Well, you’re just a little bitch, aren’t you? Phoebe: —Oh my God! Your friends have some unfortunate initials! Monica: They’re all Chandler. Phoebe: Chandler sucks! He couldn’t have gotten this good! Chandler: I did. But it came at a price. Monica: But Ben is coming over tonight and he can’t see this. Chandler: Oh come on, by age seven kids have already seen orgies. Was it just me?! Ross: Yeah!!!! Yes, I made it! I’m on time! Joey's Date: Hey. Are you all right? You seem a little distracted. Joey: No-no! I’m fine. It’s just… Hey, can I ask you something? Have you ever looked at someone that you’ve known for a while and then suddenly…suddenly see them a different way? Joey's Date: You mean like from behind? Joey: Yeah. Yeah, that…that’s exactly it. You’re right. Yeah. Joey's Date: Ew, y’know what? One time I saw this guy from behind and he seemed like a totally normal guy and then he turned around and it was Stephan Baldwin! Joey: Ooh! Yeah. So yeah, so you know exactly what I’m talking about. Joey's Date: Totally! Wow! Would you excuse me for a sec? Joey: Oh yeah, sure. Ehhh. Monica: Oh my God Phoebe, you’re on fire! Phoebe: I know! Chandler: One more score to go! You can do it! Phoebe: Don’t touch me!! Monica: Don’t touch her!! Chandler: All right! Go left! Go left! Go right!! Go right!! Phoebe: I can’t!! I can’t!! Noooooooo!!!!!!! You son of a bitch!!!!! Ross: Phoebe!! Phoebe: Oh hi Ben—No!! Don’t look at the machine! Rachel: Oh God! Thank God you’re home! I’m watching Cujo. Joey: Alone?! Rachel: Yes! But what is wrong with this dog?! Joey: Hey, did you get to the part where they’re trapped in the car and Cujo’s throwin’ himself at the windshield? Rachel: No! No! Seriously, what’s wrong with the dog?! Wait a minute, what are you doing home so early? What happened to your date? Joey: Oh uh, it didn’t work out. Rachel: Oh. Do you want to watch the rest of the movie with me? Joey: Oh uh, okay. Yeah. Rachel: Y’know, I never thought I’d say this about a movie, but I really hope this dog dies. What are you doing over there? Come sit here, you protect me. Joey: Oh sure, yeah, why not? Rachel: Okay. Okay, that’s him! That’s him! That’s Cujo! That’s Cujo! Joey: All right, I know! I know. Yeah, it’ll be okay. Rachel: Oh my God….What’s he gonna do now? I can’t watch! Oh. Seriously, how can you watch this? Aren’t you scared? Joey: Terrified. Closing Credits Ross: So is everybody here? I got here a little early myself. Let us begin. Now, the hydrosaurids have been unearthed in two main locations. Now as for the hydrosaurs… End Written by: Vanessa McCarthy Transcribed by: Eric Aasen With Help From: Dan Gottleib Joey: All right. It’s a new day. All that stuff about Rachel, you don’t feel that now. It was crazy! You’re fine. You’re better than fine! You are, as your friend Tony would say, Grrrreat! Everything’s normal! She’s just your friend Rachel! Your friend Rachel. Your friend! Rachel. Rachel: Hi, sweetie. Joey: Hey, it’s your girlfriend, Rachel! Opening Credits Monica: Hi. Chandler: Are you, are you high? Monica: I just had the most amazing bath. Chandler: Really? I don’t like baths. Monica: Wait, you like them with me. Chandler: Honey, it’s not the bath I enjoy, it’s the wet, naked lady. Monica: Oh, baths are so relaxing! Chandler: Really? What do you do? You just sit in there stewing in your own filth. Monica: How dirty do you think I am? I’m telling you, if you had some candles and some bubbles and some music, you would love it! It would take all of your stress away. Chandler: Honey, it’s 2:00 on a Wednesday and I’m watching Road Rules, how stressed do you think I am? Joey: Hey, Chandler, you got a minute? I-I really need to talk to you. Chandler: Oh! Uh, yeah! Is this a cold pizza talk or a leftover meatloaf talk? Joey: Well, neither. Chandler: Oh my God, what’s up?! Joey: I don’t know. It’s-it’s just…lately, I’ve been feeling… Okay, here’s what it is… Chandler: Oh no-no, no you don’t, just come back. Joey: All right. Okay. You and Monica, friends for a long time, and sure there are rules, but then you went to London. Oh, no, but that’s different. I mean, there are rules there, too! You know what I mean? Chandler: Do you? Joey: It was different for you guys! I mean, I mean, you were both in the same place, right? Chandler: In London? Joey: Yeah. Chandler: Yes. When Monica and I were in London, we were both in London. Joey: You know what? This is a bad idea. Forget it. Forget it, and listen, do me a favor, this conversation was between you and me. Chandler: If that. Rachel: Hi! Oh, Ross, don’t forget, we have that doctor’s appointment tomorrow! Ross: Right. Phoebe: Hey, are you going to find out the sex of the baby? Ross: No-no, we talked about it. We don’t want to know. All we care about is that it’s happy and healthy. Rachel: Yep! Happy and healthy! And cute! Ross: And smart! Rachel: Popular. Ross: With an aptitude for science. Phoebe: Are you two talking about the same baby? Hey! Have you started off thinking of names yet? Rachel: Oh yeah! I’ve come up with a bunch of ideas! Ross: Really? Me too! Phoebe: Me too! Rachel: Really?! Phoebe: Uh huh! If it’s a girl, Phoebe, and if it’s a boy, Phoebo! Ross: Maybe. But it wouldn’t hurt to have a backup, you know? Uh, Rach-Rach, what were you thinking? Rachel: Okay! I was thinking if it’s a girl, how about Sandrine? It’s French. Ross: Huh. That’s a really pretty name for-for an industrial solvent. Rachel: Okay fine, what do you have? Ross: Well, OK, it’s for a boy. Well, I know it’s a little out there, but…Darwin. Rachel: Wow, oh my God, our child will be beaten to death in the schoolyard. Phoebe: Yeah, by Sandrine. Ross: You’re just saying that 'cause I said no to your name! Rachel: I’m really, really not. Phoebe: How-how about you each get five vetoes? Ross: All right. Rachel: All right. Ross: That sounds fair. Rachel: Yeah! I don’t think you’re going to need it though. Okay, check this out. If it’s a girl, Rain. Ross: Veto. Rachel: Why? Ross: Rain? Hi. Hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln, and my dress is made out of wheat. Phoebe: I know her! I bought homemade soap from her at a Dead show! Ross: Okay, how about, for a guy, Thatcher? Rachel: Ross, why do you hate our child? Ross: Fine, you go. Rachel: Okay, James. Ross: Huh. Rachel: But only if it’s a girl. Ross: Oh, veto. How about—Ooh, I like Ruth! What about Ruth? Rachel: Oh! I’m sorry! Are we having an 89-year-old? How about Dayton? Ross: Veto. Stewart? Rachel: Veto. Sawyer? Ross: Veto. Helen? Rachel: Veto. Phoebe: Is it me, or is veto starting to sound really good? Chandler: Hey. Monica: Boy, do I have a surprise for you! Chandler: Sex on the balcony? Monica: No, but someone’s really not going to get over that idea, are they? Chandler: What is it? Monica: I drew you a bath! Chandler: Honey, I don’t like baths! Could you draw me a picture of us having sex on the balcony? Monica: Please, could you just try it for me? Come on, I used all my best stuff! I-I-I lit some candles. I put on some music. I used bath salts, plus bubble bath! And got you this little plastic Navy ship. So it’s a boy bath! Chandler: Well, this does butch it up a bit. Monica: I swear, if you try it, you will love it! Chandler: All right, if I do this, can we at least discuss sex on the balcony? Monica: Absolutely. Monica: Bet I know how that discussion’s going to go. Chandler: All right, this isn’t so bad. I like the flower smell! Which is okay, because I’ve got my boat. Monica: So? Chandler: Oh my God. Monica: I told you you were a bath person! Hey, when you get out, maybe I can give you a facial! Chandler: I’m going to need a bigger boat. Ross: I don’t think you had an open mind about the name Ruth. I mean, come on, little Ruthie Geller, how-how cute is that? Rachel: Oh, oh my God! I can practically hear the mahjong tiles! Dr. Long: Okay! All your tests look fine. Now, are you two interested in knowing the sex of the baby? Ross: Uh, no. No, we’re not. Rachel: But you have it right there in that file? You could tell us whether it’s a boy or a girl? Dayton or Sandrine? Phoebe or Phoebo? Dr. Long: That’s right. But if you don’t want to know… Ross: No, no, we want to wait, right? Rachel: Right. Right. Dr. Long: Oh, I’ll be right back. And, uh, I know it’s really not my place, but please don’t name your child Phoebo. Rachel: So, which of these babies do you think is the ugliest? Ross: What? Rach! Come on, that’s terrible! They’re…uh…they’re babies. They’re-they’re all beautiful. Rachel: Third one from the left? Ross: Yeah, why is it staring at me? I think it knows I’m talking about it. Don’t-don’t you—Wh—Wha—Hey!! Rachel: What?! Ross: You’re looking! Rachel: I didn’t! Ross: I saw you! Rachel: Okay fine, I did. But I didn’t see anything, I swear. Ross: Shame on you! Ugly baby judges you! Rachel: Okay, but Ross just listen to me… Ross: No, no, no, no! Don’t tell me! I don’t want to know! Rachel: But I couldn’t even if I wanted to, because I don’t know! I swear; I didn’t see anything, and I don’t want to know! It was just a momentary lapse. Ross: Momentary lapse. Don’t-don’t you have any self-control? Rachel: Okay, a couple months late on the lecture, Ross. Monica: Hello? Chandler: I’m in the bathroom, can you come in here? I think there’s something wrong. Monica: You know what? I-I think I’ll wait out here. Chandler: I’m in the bathtub. Monica: Oh. What’s wrong? Chandler: I drew my own bath, but I did it wrong! The water’s tepid. The salt didn’t dissolve and is now… lodged places. And the scents I used don’t compliment each other. Eucalyptus and chamomile—Oh! Monica: What? Chandler: The bath salts! They’re starting to effervesce! It’s different. It’s interesting. Monica: Okay, let’s talk about something else. Chandler: Yeah! Sure, sure. So, what was going on with you today? Oh-oh-oh! Monica: Well, I actually had the weirdest conversation with Joey. He was talking about rules and right and wrong and… Chandler: I had the exact same conversation. Monica: You did? What was he talking about? Chandler: I don’t know! Joey hasn’t had this much trouble getting out words since we saw him in Macbeth! Monica: That was a long night. Chandler: All right, let’s break this down. What exactly did he say to you? Monica: Okay, he was talking about rules. Chandler: Uh-huh. Monica: Umm, and looking at people differently. Chandler: He didn’t say anything about that to me. Monica: What did he tell you? Chandler: He was asking all these questions about you, me, and London. And, of course the glue that holds this all together, the rules. Monica: Okay. So you, me and London. Looking at people differently. Maybe he wants to do what you and I did in London with someone. Chandler: But what did he mean by rules? Monica: Wait a minute! He stopped talking the minute Phoebe came in! Chandler: Because he was looking at her differently. Monica: And Phoebe is his friend, so he thinks that would be breaking the rules! Chandler: My God! He wants to do it with Phoebe in London! Phoebe: You guys? Monica: Just a minute! That’s Mrs. Tribbiani! Chandler: You don’t say anything. Monica: Why would I say anything? That two of our best friends could start the greatest love affair of their lives! And they would have me to thank, and we could all start having babies? Chandler: I’m not going to let you say anything. Monica: You just stay here! Chandler: Oh, God! Phoebe: Oh, hey, Monica, I brought back your iron. Monica: Oh, you had that? Phoebe: Uh-huh. Monica: I thought I lost it. I got a new one, like, a month ago. Phoebe: Oh, just as well, I broke this one. Phoebe: What? Monica: Nothing. Phoebe: Okay. Monica: I mean, I-I, I really shouldn’t say. I mean, I’m really not supposed to. Phoebe: Fine. Monica: It’s a humdinger! Phoebe: Then it’s really too bad that you can’t tell me. Monica: Somebody likes you! Phoebe: Is it Chandler? Monica: No! Phoebe: Well, then tell him to stop staring! Monica: It’s Joey! Phoebe: Really?! Joey?! You don’t say. Monica: Is it something you’d be interested in? Phoebe: I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. You know, I mean, on the one hand, Mother may I? But y’know on the other hand… No. No, I can’t. We’re friends. No, oh, no. I don’t want to risk what we have. Monica: I guess that makes sense. So, you think you’re going to talk to him? Phoebe: Sure, yeah. I mean, it’s Joey. I don’t want him to get hurt. Well, I must say, I am on fire! First Chandler, now Joey! Monica: Not Chandler, just Joey. Phoebe: Sure. Commercial Break Rachel: Hey. Ross: Hey. Rachel: You know what? I’ve been thinking about it. I’m really coming around on the name Ruth. I think I would actually consider naming our child that. Ross: Rach, I-I can’t tell you how-how much that means to me! Ohh… Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You-you hated the name Ruth! Why-why would you change your mind? Unless, you know we’re never going to have to use it. You did see the folder. You know it’s a boy! Rachel: I didn’t see anything! I actually changed my mind about the name. Ross: I don’t think so! You’re just giving me Ruth so you’ll get to name it when it’s a boy, and that’s when you’ll swoop in and name him Heath or Blaine or Sequoia. Rachel: I would—Sequoia? Ross: Veto. Rachel: Fine. Ross: Unless… You anticipated that I would figure all this out and you know that it actually is a girl, and you really do want her to be named Ruth! Well, I’m not falling for that! Okay? Ruth is off the table! Rachel: But Ross, you want the name Ruth! Ross: Not like this! Phoebe: Hey. Joey: Hey. Well, what’s up? Phoebe: Umm, Joey, I know. Joey: What? Phoebe: I knooow. Joey: Whaaat? Phoebe: I know about your feelings. Joey: Oh my God. You do? Phoebe: Yes, and I’m sorry. I-I know things worked out for Chandler and Monica, but that’s very rare. Joey: I know. I know. And this is so much more complicated than it was for those guys. I mean, it’s Rachel for God sakes. Phoebe: For God sakes, it’s Rachel! Joey: I know. I know. And she’s not only my friend; she’s my pregnant friend! She’s my pregnant friend who’s Ross’ ex! Phoebe: Yeah that’s Rachel. Beat me over the head with it. Joey: What am I going to do? You know, and I keep, I keep trying to get rid of these feelings, y’know? I stayed up all last night and made a list of everything I don’t like about her. You want to hear it? Phoebe: Yeah. Joey: She made me switch to light Mayo. That’s it! That’s all I got! And, you know what? It tastes the same and my pants fit better! Phoebe: Joey, I just think you’re getting worked up over nothing. This is probably just a crush. Joey: You think? Phoebe: Absolutely! Y’know, you get this rush of feelings, but then it goes away. Joey: Yeah, just a crush! That’s all this is! It’s a crush! I’m Joey; I don’t get deep feelings. Phoebe: That’s right, there you go! Crushes happen all the time! I know I’ve had them for all you guys. Well, except for Ross and Chandler. And I’m sure you’ve had them for us. Joey: Not really. Phoebe: Mm-hmm. Throw me a bone here. Ross: So, I uh… I called the doctor and now we both know the sex of the baby. Rachel: What? Ross: That’s right. The student has become the master. Rachel: Ross, I swear, I don’t know. Ross: Oh, come on, you know it’s a girl! Rachel: A what?! Ross: You really didn’t know? Rachel: We’re having a girl? Ross: No. Rachel: That’s what you just said! Ross: No. Rachel: You said girl! Ross: Yes. I’m… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Rachel: I’m not! We’re having a girl! Sometimes I can’t believe it’s with you—But still! We’re having a girl! Ross: I know! I know. You know what? I’m putting Ruth back on the table! Rachel: Oh, yes! We’ll have ourselves a little baby Ruth… Ross: Permission to veto. Rachel: Yes, please. Monica: Hey. Chandler: Do I smell essential oils? Monica: Yeah, I’m going to take a bath. I’m just going to get a magazine. Chandler: Okay. Monica: What do you think you’re doing? Chandler: L-leaving my troubles behind? Monica: I know that you’re new at this, but this is completely unacceptable bath decorum. Chandler: Oh, it’s so hard to care when you’re this relaxed. Monica: Fine, you can have the bath, but I am taking your boat. Now you’re just a girl in a tub! Chandler: Hey! Phoebe: Hi, Bubbles. Manly. Well, I just thought I would drop by and let you know how it went with Joey. Chandler: You told her?! Monica: She pulled it out of me! She’s like a conversational wizard! How’d it go? Phoebe: Well, you were wrong, he doesn’t like me! Monica: What? Phoebe: Yeah! How would you like it if I sent you to Lee Majors’ house and told you that he liked you, and you went down there and you found out that he didn’t like you? How would you feel? Monica: I don’t think I’d care. Phoebe: Really? Lee Majors is hot! Joey: Hello? Phoebe: We’re in the bathroom! Joey: Why? Chandler: Because it’s a relaxing and enjoyable time! Joey: What are you guys doing in here? Monica: Oh my God! A friend he’s looking at differently, but it’s wrong. It’s Rachel! Chandler: You like Rachel?! Joey: It’s no big deal, okay? Phoebe and I talked about it. It’s just a crush! It’s going to go away! Dude, you gotta rearrange your bubbles! Oh! Phoebe: Mazel tov. Rachel: Monica: Honey, cover it up with the boat! Ross: Hello? Chandler: Yes we’re all in here and we would love for you to join us! Ross: Hey, did you, did you tell them? Rachel: No, I was waiting for you! Phoebe: Tell us what? Rachel: We’re having a girl. All: Oh, wow! Yay! Wow! Hooray! Oh, man! Chandler: I’ll…I’ll get you later! Joey: All right. It’s a new day, and it’s just a crush, that’s all! Just a little crush! All that worrying I was doing, that was crazy. Crazy! Like my friend here the bird would say, "it was cuckoo!" Everything’s going to be fine. It’s just a crush. Rachel: Hi, sweetie. Joey: I love you. Closing Credits Monica: It sure is nice to do this together, isn’t it? Chandler: Yeah. And what you’re doing feels so good. Monica: I’m not touching you. Chandler: You’re not? Monica: It’s the salts. Chandler: Oh, sweet Lord. New realms of pleasure! Monica: Whatever keeps you off the balcony, big guy! End Written by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Monica: Hey, what’s up? Phoebe: Well, I left my guitar here again. Monica: Oh, okay. No problem. Phoebe: Okay. Monica: Okay. Phoebe: Oh. Monica: Here you go. Phoebe: Okay. Monica: Okay. Phoebe: Great! Umm… Monica: What?! Phoebe: So do you want to hang out or something? Monica: Phoebe! You kinda caught me at a bad time. Phoebe: Oh are you and Chandler… Monica: Yes! Exactly. Phoebe: Okay. Do you guys want me to play for you? Monica: Chandler: Hey Pheebs, what’s up? Phoebe: You ask an intriguing question Chandler Bing. Phoebe: Oh my God! You’re getting a massage! You never let me massage you!! Monica: Phoebe, I can explain! Phoebe: You told me you hate massages! Chandler: Buy stamps, pick up dry cleaning…Don’t let Phoebe in. Phoebe: I can’t believe this! How long as this been going on? Monica: Well umm, Alexandra has been… Phoebe: Oh, it has a name? Monica: Phoebe, don’t get upset! Phoebe: Okay—Oop! Too late! I’m leaving! Come on Chandler let’s go! Chandler: Well, Phoebe I thought I’d— Opening Credits Joey: Oh okay, okay! One more push! One more push! Come on honey, we’re almost there! We’re almost there! Rachel: Oh Joey, I’m so happy things worked out for us that we’re having this baby together. I love you so much. Joey: Oh, I love you too. Rachel: And I hope it’s not an inappropriate time to say this but, you’re the best sex I ever had. Joey: That’s always appropriate! Oh, okay. One more push! One more push! Doctor: Oh, here is your beautiful baby. Congratulations! Ross: Rachel: Joey! Joey! Joey: What? What’s going on? Rachel: Come feel this! Come feel my belly! Joey: Aaaah… Rachel: Joey! The baby is kicking for the first time! Will you please come feel this?! Joey: Really?! Rachel: Yes! Joey: Oh, y’know what? Maybe uh, you…you should come to me. I’m a not, I’m not wearing any bottoms. Rachel: Oh, okay! Joey: Oh my, oh my God! Rachel: Aw, it’s unbelievable! Wow! She is kicking so much! Oh, she’s like umm…oh…who’s that kind of annoying girl soccer player? Joey: Mia Hamm? Rachel: Mia Hamm! Joey: Oh that’s amazing. Rachel: Oh-oh!! One hand on the sheet Joe! Joey: Whoa-hey-oh! Sorry! Chandler: Hey babe. Monica: Hi honey. We just got a wedding gift from Bob and Faye Bing; they don’t like us do they? Chandler: Who says you can’t get a nice punch bowl for under six bucks? Maybe we can take it back? Monica: No, it doesn’t say where it came from. Where would we return it? Chandler: How about to the street say from the balcony? Monica: Why don’t we just find a place for it? Chandler: Okay. How about in that cabinet? Monica: No! That’s where we keep the canned goods! Have you completely forgotten everything you learned at orientation? Chandler: How about the closet by the bathroom? Monica: Oh, okay. Here, why don’t you let me do it? Chandler: Oh no-no-no, I will do it. Honey, you have to learn to sit down and relax and let your husband take care of things once and awhile. It’s locked, you have to help me. Why is it locked? Monica: No reason. I-I keep private things in there. Chandler: Oh y’know, I’ve been living here a while and I’ve never seen what’s inside that closet. What is, what is in there? Monica: Feminine stuff. Chandler: Don’t try to make me uncomfortable with feminine stuff! Monica: Chandler, there is nothing in there that concerns you! If you love me you-you’ll let it go. Chandler: Fine. Monica: Thank you! Chandler: Love you. Phoebe: You! Chandler: Phoebe if it helps Alexandra has only been massaging Monica for like three years. Phoebe: Why won’t you let me massage you? Monica: Well it’s…I mean I’d just—I’d be self-conscious. You’re my friend; I’d be naked. Phoebe: Monica! We lived together for years! I’ve seen you naked! Monica: That’s different, we were roommates! And when?! Phoebe: I’m curious about the human body. Monica: Hey, come on Phoebe, you can understand why this would be weird for me. Phoebe: But I’m a professional! And I’m really good! Look, if you’re uncomfortable we can stop. Just give me a chance, okay. Please? Monica: Okay, if it means that much to you… Phoebe: It does! How would you feel if you couldn’t share your cooking? Or-or imagine how Ross would feel if he couldn’t teach us about dragons. Monica: Dinosaurs. Phoebe: Potato, potaato. Ross: Hey! Joey: Hey Ross! The baby’s kicking! Ross: What?! It is?! Rachel: It’s not kicking right now. Although we would love to see you do that again. Ross: Hey, when-when was it kicking? What happened? Rachel: Last night! I just felt it and I went into Joey’s room and he was sleeping… Joey: A dreamless sleep. Ross: My God, the baby’s kicking. That’s great. Although I…kinda wish I-I would’ve been there to feel the kicking for the first time y’know. Joey: Well I got stuff going on in here if you wanna feel. Ross: Look, I-I don’t want to miss anymore baby stuff. So…Here. Here’s my new pager number, okay? Anytime anything pregnancy related happens use it! I’ll be there! Okay? I don’t care if it’s three in the morning and all you want is ice cream. Joey: Wow! Can I get a copy of that? Phoebe: Are you under the sheet? Monica: Yes. Phoebe: How’s the pressure? Monica: Nice! Wow Phoebe you are good! Phoebe: Stating the obvious, but thank you. And it’s not weird is it. Monica: No. Ooohh… Phoebe: That’s right, you just enjoy. Monica: Oh. Oh yeah! Ohhhhh! Ohh! Oh yeah! Phoebe: Okay. Monica: Oh God Phoebe!! Chandler: I wasn’t trying to open your closet! I wasn’t trying to open your closet! I swear! Joey: Whoa, Monica runs a pretty tight ship over here. What are you doing? Chandler: Monica has a secret closet and she won’t let me see what’s in it. Joey: Why not? Chandler: I don’t know! What could she possibly be hiding in here that I can’t see?! Joey: I don’t know. Ooh, I bet it’s Richard. Chandler: Why would Monica be keeping Richard in here? Joey: Well off the top of my head uhh, maybe she’s having her cake and eating it too. You being the cake and Richard being the too. Or! Chandler: And here we go… Joey: I saw this movie once where there was a door and no one knew what was behind it, and when they finally got it open millions and millions and millions of bugs came pouring out and they feasted on human flesh. Y’know it wouldn’t kill ya to respect your wife’s privacy! Stupid closet full of bugs! Rachel: Joey. Joey, something feels weird and not good weird. I don’t—Whoa!! Joey: Oh hey whoa-whoa, don’t worry. Okay. When my sisters were pregnant they got every weird feeling in the book, it was always nothing. Rachel: Really? Joey: Absolutely. But, we’re gonna stop by the hospital just to be sure, okay? I’ll page Ross on the way. Come on. Rachel: Okay. Oh God—Ow!—Oo! Joey: Okay Rach-Rach-Rach look at me, look at me, everything’s gonna be fine, trust me. Okay. Take my hand. Here we go. Oww crushing bones! Joey: Hey! So? Dr. Long: She’s fine. She’s experiencing Braxton-Hicks contractions, mild discomfort caused by contractions in the uterine wall. Rachel: Hmm, mild discomfort. So I take it you’ve had one of these Braxton thingies? Joey: So but everything is normal. Dr. Long: Absolutely. Joey: And-and there’s no danger to her and the baby? Dr. Long: No-no. Contractions can be unnerving if you don’t know what they are, but she’s fine. Rachel: Thank you doctor. Oh thank you for being so nice and calm. Joey: Calm?! I wasn’t calm! I’ve never been more scared in all my life! Rachel: But wait you said everything was gonna be okay. Joey: Well what do I know?! I’m not a doctor! Rachel: But I—But everything is okay. I’m fine! Joey: You sure?! Rachel: Yes! Yes! I got half a mind to contract that doctor’s uterus though. Mild discomfort, what’s he talking about? Joey: Oh hey-hey! Ross: Is everything okay? Rachel: Yeah, everything’s fine! Ross: Your page said come to the hospital, what? What was it? What happened? Joey: Something called Braxton-Hicks contractions. Ross: Oh. Oh. Thank God, most women don’t even feel them. Rachel: Okay, no uterus, no opinion. Joey: Hey uh, what’s with the candy? Ross: Oh when you beeped me I was on line at the concession stand at the movie theater. Rachel: Oh you went to the movies by yourself? Ross: No I—Mona! Rachel: Oh, I gotta go back in there. Ross: What? Why? What’s wrong? Rachel: No, everything’s fine. I just gotta go back… Ross: No really, you tell me what’s up. Rachel: I-I forgot my underwear. Ross: So, thanks so much for bringing her to the hospital. Joey: Oh hey, don’t worry about it man. Don’t worry about it, no big deal. Ross: Yeah but still, I mean it should’ve been me. I’m the dad. Dr. Long: Oh and by the way, you did the right thing by bringing her in. You’re gonna make a wonderful father. Joey: Oh uh, hey. Not as good as this guy! He brought Twizlers! Commercial Break Chandler: There has got to be a way! Joey: Easy there Captain Kirk. Oh, do you have a bobby pin? Chandler: Yeah. Oh no wait, I’m not an nine-year-old girl. Joey: Then why do you throw like one? Chandler: Maybe Monica has a bobby pin. Joey: Sure. "Monica." Chandler: So, how’s the hideously inappropriate crush on Rachel coming? Joey: Uh, really good. Really good. Yeah, I should be ready to kill myself any day now. By the way, I have no idea what I’m doing here. For all I know I’m just locking it more. Oh hey, did you try opening it with a credit card? Chandler: That’s a good idea. Joey: Yeah. Chandler: Okay. So uh, Ross is kinda bummed huh? Joey: Oh, I just…I feel terrible. Chandler: Well, it’s not your fault. What are you gonna do? Not take her to the hospital? Y’know? You’re doing nothing wrong. Richard? If-if you’re in there, could you pass me my credit card? Monica: Hey. Phoebe: Hey. Monica: I gotta tell you, yesterday was amazing. That massage felt so good! Phoebe: No-no, I got that. Monica: So umm, what do you say we make it a weekly appointment? Phoebe: Okay. Okay but you should know though, I’ve raised my rates to $200 an hour. Monica: Okay. Phoebe: I mean $500. Monica: What? Phoebe: 600. Monica: What’s going on? Phoebe: Oh, you make sex noises when you get massaged! Monica: What? Phoebe: Yeah, and it really freaked me out! And after a while I even tried to hurt you and it just spurred you on. Monica: What?! You’re crazy! There’s nothing sexual about the noises I make! Phoebe: Really? There’s nothing sexual about this? I mean hi. Monica: Oh my—This is so embarrassing. Oh my God, I’m never gonna get massaged again! Phoebe: No, you can’t let this stop you from getting massages! No look, I have, I have lots of clients that make the same noises you do! Monica: Really?! Phoebe: Well not clients, lovers. But let’s just y’know, try it again. Come back and-and we’ll work through it. Monica: Are you sure? Phoebe: Yes. Monica: I guess. Phoebe: Great! Okay, if you’ll just excuse me. So, did you hear something you liked? Rachel: Hey Ross! Check it out! I learned a new trick! Ross: Hey uh, I brought you some lunch. Rachel: Ohh! That’s so sweet of you! Oh yum! Did you put pickles on this? Ross: Well yeah! Rachel: Oh Ross!! Ross: What?! What?! Rach what?! Joey: What’s going on? Ross: I made her favorite, tuna salad with pickles. Joey: Pickle? Pickles make her sick. Giving her pickles is like giving me salad. Ross: I-I’m sorry Rach, I didn’t know. Are you gonna be okay? Rachel: Yeah, I’ll be fine. But could someone please make sure that sandwich is gone when I get out there? Joey: I’m on it! Ross: I can’t believe this! I shouldn’t be the one making her throw up! Joey: Dude relax! It could happen to anyone. Ross: Yeah? Not to you, because you know this stuff. I don’t know any of it and I’m the father. I wish I’d be more involved y’know. Rachel: Well, if anyone is keeping score, I no longer eat tuna. Joey: Hey uh, can I, can I talk to you guys for a second? Ross: Yeah. Rachel: What’s up? Joey: Uh, sit down. I wanna talk about our situation. Rachel: Are you breaking up with us? Joey: The thing is…’cause I live with Rachel I’m here for a lot of the stuff, okay? And Ross…Ross is missing everything. So… Rachel: Yeah? Joey: Maybe you two should live together. Rachel: Are you asking me to move out? Do you not want me here? Joey: Oh no-no, no-no I love living with you. It just seems that…if you’re gonna have a roommate, y’know it might as well be the father. Rachel: But Joey, I don’t think Ross wants me to move into his apartment and disrupt his life like that. I mean——Or he does. Ross: No I-I-I would love to be around for you and the baby. And we-we can just try it like on a temporary basis. Rachel: But Ross, its you and me! Ross: So? Sure! But it-it wouldn’t be anything romantic. And I’m-I’m dating Mona—Damnit Mona! I was supposed to meet her like an hour ago! What is wrong with me?! Joey: All right now, so? What do you think? Rachel: I don’t know. Is it crazy? Ross: No! No it’s not. Joey, this is a smart idea. Joey: Well, I was due. Rachel: Okay, let’s do it. I’ll move in. Ross: Really? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Oh Rach that’s great. That’s great. Chandler: Not to shabby, I got this all off myself…using my wife’s tools. Oh my God! Monica: How did you get in there?! Chandler: You’re messy. Monica: Oh no! You weren’t supposed to see this! Chandler: I married Fred Sanford! Monica: No Chandler, you don’t understand! Okay! Okay! Okay! Fine! Now you know. Okay? I’m y’know…I’m sick. Chandler: No, honey you’re not sick! Look, I don’t love you because you’re organized, I love you in spite of that. Monica: Really? You promise you won’t tell anyone? Chandler: Yes! And look, now that I know if I got some extra stuff lying around can we, can we share the closet. Monica: Well…it’s just umm…I’m afraid you might mess it up. Chandler: Hey. Joey: Hey. Chandler: So Rachel’s all moved out huh? How are you taking it? Joey: Well uh, I wanted to have a few beers, but uh, I got rid of those because Rachel couldn’t stand the smell of them. But I have thrown back a lot of orange juice with calcium though. And uh, it’s a couple weeks past it’s expiration date, so it’s got a bit of a kick. Chandler: Are you okay? Joey: Are you kidding me? I’m great! Yeah, I’m uh; I’m better than great. I am good. And now that she’s gone, I can uh, I can do all this stuff around here that I couldn’t do before. Y’know? Like umm, I can walk around naked again. Y’know? I can uh, I can watch porn in the living room. Right? This is uh, this is good for me. Y’know? I like being on my own, I’m uh, better off this way. I’m uh, a lone wolf. Y’know? A loner. Alone. All alone. Forever. What’s a wolf got to do to get a huh around here?! Closing Credits Monica: Ohhh. Phoebe: That’s it. Just relax. Monica: Ohh. Oh! Ohh! Phoebe: Come on more! Monica: Oh God! Phoebe: Yeah, you like that don’t you? Monica: Oh yeah right there! Phoebe: You want it there? You take it there baby! Monica: Uh Phoebe? Phoebe: Yeah, say my name. Say it! And now I’m going to cover you back up, and umm we’re never doing this again. End The One With The Birthing Video Written by: Dana Klein Borkow Transcribed by: Dan Gottleib Phoebe: Oh! Hey, Rach! Rachel: Hi! Hey, Happy Valentine’s Day! Phoebe: Oh, you, too. Joey: Hey, so, uh, how’s it going living over at Ross’? Rachel: It’s good. Except he makes us watch the Discovery Channel all day long. Did you know that something really boring happened to someone really ugly in the Middle Ages? Oh, thank you. I’ll see you guys later. Phoebe: Okay. Joey: Bye. Joey: There’s one lucky to-go cup of coffee. Phoebe: Honey, I wish you would get over her. I hate seeing you like this. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you want to look down my top? Joey: Thanks. But maybe later. Phoebe: Oh, Gunther, can I get a scone? Gunther: You want anything? Joey: You know what I want? I want a lot of things! I want to be with the woman I love on Valentine’s Day! And I want her to love me back! And I want just one moment of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that that’s never going to happen! Gunther: We have red bagels. Joey: Oh, okay. Opening Credits Phoebe: So, how does Mona feel about you and Rachel living together? Ross: Oh, I’m actually on my way to tell her right now. Yeah, she’s been away all week visiting her parents, but she’ll be cool. I mean, she’s been so supportive. She-she even got the baby a tiny T-shirt that says, ‘Fossils are my friends.’ Phoebe: Ugh. Come on, Mona, don’t kiss ass. Ross: Uh, I’m going to take off. Phoebe: All right. Oh! Shoot! Oh shoot! Uh, Rachel wanted to see this tape! Ross: What is it? Phoebe: It’s a video of my friend giving birth. Could you just bring it back to your apartment? Ross: All right. ‘Candy and Cookie?’ Phoebe: Yeah. Candy’s the mother, Cookie’s the daughter. The father’s also Cookie. Why am I friends with these people? Monica: Phoebe, c’mere. I want to show you something in the bathroom. Phoebe: Oh, Monica, grow up! Ross: Hey, what’s behind your back? Monica: Nothing. Just something I want to get Phoebe’s opinion on for Valentine’s Day. Ross: You don’t want my opinion? Monica: Not really. Ross: Come on, I’m your older brother, ask me! Monica: All right, big brother. Which of these do you think would make your little sister look hotter, so your best friend would want to do her? Ross: The red one. Phoebe: Hey. Look, I know you’ve been really depressed lately, so I brought someone over to cheer you up. Right outside this door is a real, live, furry playmate. Joey: No, I’m not sleeping with your friend Jane again. Phoebe: He-hee! Joey: Hey! A dog! Hi! Who, you got to admit, looks a lot like Jane. Phoebe: This is the happiest dog in the world. I borrowed him from my friend Wendy. Now, you can only keep him until he cheers you up. And he will cheer you up! Joey: Thanks so much, Pheebs! Oh! Not that kind of fun. Chandler: Happy Valentine’s! Monica: Okay! I’ll be right out. I’m slipping into something a little less comfortable, and a little more slutty. Chandler: Man on TV: Yeah, just relax. Chandler: I love you, St. Valentine. Chandler: Woah, woah, that’s not pretty! Man on TV: Now, push! Woman on TV: Ow! Ow! Ooh! That hurts! Chandler: Worst porn ever! Worst porn ever! Woman on TV: Ohhh! Make it stop! Chandler: I am trying! Joey: Get the ball, ready? Get the ball, get the ball! Well, you’re cute, but you’re not too smart! Joey: Did I just throw this? Rachel: Hi. Joey: Hi. Rachel: I accidentally packed these with my stuff. Who is this? Joey: Oh, that’s, uh, that’s Phoebe’s friend’s dog. I don’t know what his real name is, but I call him Mozzarella. Rachel: Joey: Well, you used to be. Monica: Monica: I’ve still got it! Chandler: Why did you get me this? Monica: What is it? Chandler: It’s yelling…bleeding…dilating. Oh, the dilating… Monica: Is this the video of the baby being born? Sweetie, this is Phoebe’s. Why were you even watching it? Chandler: I thought…maybe…you got me porn for Valentine’s Day. Monica: Chandler, if you thought I was going to get you porn for Valentine’s Day… Oh, wait a minute. Those aren’t stars. Anyway, you want to take a look? Chandler: Well, I’m not really in a sexy mood right now. Monica: Honey, what’s going on? Chandler: Well, remember the first time we saw Jaws? Monica: Mm-hmm. Chandler: How long it took to go back in the water? Monica: Chandler, we can’t let this tape wreck Valentine’s Day! Chandler: You don’t know. You didn’t see it. Monica: Child-birth, it’s a natural thing! It’s beautiful. Chandler: Oh, beautiful? Really? Beautiful? You think this is beautiful? Monica: Oh! Oh, my God! No wonder my mother hates me! Chandler: See, honey, there’s— Monica: Don’t touch me! Mona: Hi! Ross: Hey! So, how was Atlantic City? Mona: Good. Ross: Yeah? Mona: I brought you back a present. Ross: Wha—? Oh, come on. You didn’t have to—saltwater taffy?! Thanks! This is interesting. You know, most people think this is made with sea water, but it’s actually made with, uh, salted fresh water. That’s not interesting. Mona: I think it’s interesting. Ross: I do too! I missed you! Mona: I missed you, too! So, how was your week? Ross: Oh, it was good! It was good. Actually, the baby started kicking! Mona: How exciting! Ross: Yeah! I know! It was. Oh… the only sad thing is I wasn’t around when it happened for the first time. Mona: Oh no. Ross: Yeah, I’m missing out on all this other stuff, too. So, Joey suggested Rachel move in with me. Mona: Yeah right! Ross: What? Mona: Joey cracks me up! It’s like, ‘Yeah, why don’t you have your ex-wife move in with you? That wouldn’t be awkward at all!’ Ross: Huh…uh-huh. Mona: Huh, could you imagine. I go away for a few days, and come back, and my boyfriend is living with some woman he got pregnant! Mona: So, what’d you tell him? Ross: Commercial Break Phoebe: How could you not tell Mona that Rachel is living with you? Ross: I don’t know, she seemed to think it was such a crazy idea! Um, plus, she, uh, she got me taffy! Phoebe: Taffy, really? I’ve never had any. Ross: Ever?! Phoebe: Well, I think my mother was too busy planning her suicide to provide saltwater treats. Thank you! So what, you’re just never going to tell her? Ross: Oh, no, no, no, I will! I just want to butter her up, first! You know, I’m going to take her to an amazing Valentine’s dinner. Do all this romantic stuff, and then, just when she thinks I’m the best boyfriend in the world, then I’m going to tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me. Phoebe: If I haven’t said it before: she’s a lucky, lucky lady! So, where are you going to—what the mother of crap is up with this stuff? Oh, it’s nice! May I try a pink one? Joey: So, between her and me being friends, and her history with Ross, it just isn’t going to happen. It would be like you falling in love with a cat. Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Hey. Phoebe: Hey, buddy. How’s my favorite dog, huh? How’s my favorite dog? Did you give him a beer? Joey: No. Phoebe: Will you excuse us, we need to talk for a moment. Joey: Yeah, sure. Go ahead. Oh, me, right! Phoebe: He’s miserable! What happened to him? Joey: Nothing. We just talked about stuff. Phoebe: What stuff? Joey: Rachel stuff. Phoebe: Oh…Joey, you bummed him out! This was the happiest dog in the world, and he spends half a day with you, and look at him! Joey: He’s breathing! Phoebe: Okay, I’m going to take him back to Wendy’s. Joey: No, no, no, no! He’s fine! Look, look, look! Get your ball! My God, what have I done to you, huh? I broke the dog! Pheebs, I broke the dog! Ross: Well, I’m, uh, going to pick up Mona. What have you got going tonight? Rachel: Oh, I’ve got big Valentine’s plans! I’ve got my Chinese food on the way, and the rest of your saltwater taffy! Ross: Y’know, it’s interesting! Most people think that’s made with seawater, when in fact— Rachel: Ross, we actually watched the documentary together. Rachel: Ooh! My Chinese food! Let me get my cash! Ross: Mona? What are—hi! What are you doing here? I’m, um, supposed to pick you up! Mona: Change of plans, I made you a special Valentine’s dinner! Surprise! Ross: Ayyyayyyy! Rachel: Oh, hey, Mona! Mona: Hi! Hi. Hi, Rachel! What’s she doing here? Ross: I have no idea! Rachel: I’ll be watching TV if anybody needs me. Mona: Seriously, what is she doing? Ross: Uh…lately, she just likes hanging out here. Mona: Why? Ross: I think she’s lonely. Mona: Okay, but it’s Valentine’s Day! Ross: I know. Mona: Can’t we just ask her to go? Ross: No, no. She’s way to emotional. And by emotional I mean crazy. Rachel: I’m not here! That’s just my Chinese food! Mona: Oh, my God! She has food delivered here? Ross: Mm-hmm. She’s—she’s emotional, but, but ballsy. Rachel: You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to get in my sweats, and eat this in bed! Ross: And you thought she was going to be in our way! So, why don’t you, uh, open the champagne, and I’ll be right back. I’ve got a surprise for you. Mona: You got another ex-wife back there? Ross: Rachel: I’m just going to grab the phone. Mona: Oh, Rachel! Wait! Hey, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but, but, um… what are you doing? Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry! Do you need the phone? Mona: No, no. Listen, Ross is too nice to say anything, but this is his apartment, and, and, we gotta have some boundaries, so why don’t you go back to your place and give us some privacy? Rachel: But, but, Mona, I live here. Ross: Happy Valentine’s Day! …Or something to remember me by. Monica: How long has it been this time? Chandler: 90 seconds. Monica: That’s better. 90 seconds is a long time not to think about it…except all I did was think about it. Chandler: You know, it haunts me? Up ‘til now, the worst thing I ever saw, was my father doing tequila shots off the naked houseboy. After this, I would gladly make that my screensaver! Monica: Okay, well, we have to get past this! Why don’t we get rid of the tape and pretend it never existed? Chandler: I can do that. Monica: Okay. Chandler: Okay. Now all we’ve got to do is get rid of this chair. Monica: Oh, thank God! Chandler: Oh, I know! Monica: Come in! Rachel: Hi! I’m so sorry to barge in on your Valentine’s, but I had to get away from all the yelling. Mona is dumping Ross. Monica: Oh, my God. Chandler: Poor Ross. Chandler: Oh, great. We have to watch him do yoga in his underwear, but for this he closes the drapes! Monica: Rach, you know that birthing tape you wanted to see? It’s here. Chandler: Oh, and we should warn you, before you watch it: don’t watch it. Rachel: Why? You saw it? Is it scary? Chandler: Well, let’s just say it’s ironic how footage of someone being born can make you want to kill yourself. Rachel: Well, now, wait. Now I’m all freaked out. Come on, you guys will watch it with me. Monica: No, but I will leave a sweater that smells like me right next to you! Rachel: C’mon, seriously, you guys, you’re not going to make me watch this alone! Monica: She’s right…of course not. Honey, get the tape. Chandler: Okay, here we go. Rachel: Okay. Woah! Why is that baby torturing that woman?! Chandler: Why have I seen this thing three times?! Monica: It’s…still beautiful. Rachel: Uh! It’s horrible! Monica: I know! I know, I’m so sorry for you! Rachel: Oh, my God! Chandler: Wait, you guys, look! Rachel: What? Did her ass explode?! Chandler: No, the baby’s out! Look, look! Monica: Oh, look at those little fingers and toes! Chandler: And look how happy the mom is now! Monica: Oh…Rach! Rachel: Oh, screw you guys, you don’t have to do it! Ross: Hey, hey, man! Joey: Hey, what’s up? Ross: Uh…Mona just dumped me. Joey: Oh, man, I’m sorry. Why? Ross: Well, with everything that’s been going on lately, I haven’t exactly been the perfect boyfriend. You know, I, uh, I didn’t tell her I got Rachel pregnant. I gave her a key to my apartment, and then had the locks changed! And then I lied to her about Rachel moving in with me. In a way, I actually judge her for not breaking up with me sooner, you know? Joey: Still, that really sucks, man. Especially on Valentine’s Day. Ross: Yeah. Wait a minute. What are you doing here? Joey Tribbiani without a date on Valentine’s Day? What’s going on, huh? Girl trouble? Joey: Sort of. Ross: Really?! Joey: You don’t have to seem so happy about it. Ross: Oh, sorry. Well, look, maybe I can help you with it. Joey: Oh, I…I d— Ross: Hey, whatever it is, I am sure it has happened to me. Y’know, actually once—once I got dumped during sex. Ross: Anyway, so, uh, so what is it? Joey: Forget about it. It’s no big deal. Ross: C’mon! Joey! What is it? Joey: It’s nothing. Ross: Hey, hey, it’s me. Why can’t you tell me? Joey: Okay, uh…sit down. Um… there’s this woman that I like. A lot. But, uh…it can’t happen. Ross: She’s not a Tribbiani? Joey: No! Ross: I knew it. So, is she someone from work? Joey: Yes. Ross: Well, uh, does she like you? Joey: Sometimes I think maybe she could. But it doesn’t matter, because I can’t do anything about it. Ross: Why not? Joey: Well, it’s complicated. She’s with this other guy. For a long time. Someone from work, too. And I could never do that to the guy, because we’re really good friends. Ross: So, uh, this guy, she used to go out with, is, uh… is he still in love with her? Joey: No. I don’t think so. Ross: Okay. Um… is he a good guy? Joey: Yeah, he’s the best. Ross: Then talk to him! He might be fine with it. Joey: Oh, I don’t know. Ross: Joey, it’s worth finding out. I mean, if you really like her. Joey: I do! So much! I can’t stop thinking about her! I can’t sleep, I— Ross: Okay, Joey, you know what? You have to go for it. How often does this happen to you, huh? You owe it to yourself. Gunther: Here’s your warm milk. Ross: I’m going to…uh…I’m going to, um, put the bourbon in it at home. Joey: Oh, yeah. Ross: Anyway… seriously, uh…just…just talk to the guy, okay? And tell me how it goes. Joey: It’s Rachel. Closing Credits Rachel: Woman on TV: I came to the big city to become a star! I’ll do…anything to make that happen! Man on TV: Anything? Rachel: Hmm…maybe it starts with how she gets pregnant. End Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Lisa Kudrow: Previously on Friends Joey: There’s this woman, that I like.  A lot.  Well, it’s complicated.  She’s with this other guy.  For a long time.  And I could never do that to the guy, y’know?  ’Ccause we’re really good friends. Ross: So, uh, this guy, she used to go out with, is, uh… is he a good guy? Joey: Yeah, he’s the best. Ross: Then talk to him! He might be fine with it. Joey: Oh, I don’t know. Ross: Joey, it’s worth finding out. I mean, if you really like her. Joey: I do! So much! I can’t stop thinking about her! I can’t sleep, I— Ross: Okay, Joey, you know what? You have to go for it. How often does this happen to you, huh? You owe it to yourself. Joey: It’s Rachel. Ross: Did you um—I’m sorry, did you just say it’s Rachel? Joey: Yes. Ross: Um, you…you like Rachel? Joey: Yes. I like Rachel. Ross: Rachel?! Joey: Yeah, okay but look, buy uh—Hey-hey, y’know, y’know who else I like? You! And it-it doesn’t get said enough. I like you Ross. Ross: But R-R-Rachel-Rachel?! Joey: Yeah, but it’s not a big deal. Ross: It’s not a big deal? Oh, I’m sorry I just…um, I…what about all the stuff you-you just said? I mean how about, I like—you-you can’t stop thinking about her. Like how you can’t sleep? Joey: I’m an actor, y’know? As-as a group, we tend to be over dramatic. Ross: Rachel who’s carrying my baby? Rachel? Joey: Look no, I-I know it’s bad, and I know it’s wrong. Okay? But-but it’s not like anything’s ever gonna happen. Y’know? These-these are just feelings, they’re gonna go away. Ross: Y’know what? I-I gotta go. Joey: Oh come on Ross! Hey Ross-Ross don’t… Ross: I just—y’know—I-I just have one—Rachel?! Gunther: Rachel?!! Opening Credits Rachel: Oh-oh! Okay, she’s kicking! Chandler: Oh! She’s growing inside you. Rachel: Whoa!! Chandler: Oh! Rachel: Wow that was a big one. Chandler: I think that’s the youngest girl ever to reject me. Phoebe: Oh hey you guys! Chandler: Oh hey! Rachel: Hi! Phoebe: Hey listen let me ask you, do you believe in soul mates? Rachel: Oh yes I do. I do. I believe that there is one perfect person out there for everyone. And do you know how you find him? You stop looking for him. That’s why I stopped looking for Russell Crowe. He’ll find me. Phoebe: Uh-huh, and you? Chandler: No. I mean I believe that uh, certain people are more suited for each other and I believe in falling in love, but soul mates, I don’t think they exist. Phoebe: Okay, good. Chandler: Why? Phoebe: Well last night, I met Monica’s. Chandler: What? Phoebe: Yeah, I had a date with this guy, and I swear to God, he is her other half. Chandler: Come on, don’t be crazy. Rachel: Well, what’s he like?! Phoebe: Well he’s tall. Rachel: Uh-huh. Phoebe: He has brown hair. Rachel: Of course, of course. Chandler: A tall guy with hair similar to mine, oh unknowable universe! Phoebe: He works with food! Rachel: Oh sure. Older? Phoebe: Obviously, and he’s British. Rachel: Oh, I was just gonna ask! Phoebe: Yeah? And, he’s-he’s so centered and mature and confident. Rachel: Oh, it’s so sad they never had a chance to meet. Chandler: Luckily, the guy she settled for can’t hear what you’re talking about. Phoebe: Oh, I’m so sorry. Um, and maybe I’m wrong! I but—y’know I’m gonna go out with him again, I’ll find out more. Chandler: You believe that this guy is destined for someone else and you’re still gonna date him? Phoebe: Well, he may not be my soul mate, but a girl’s gotta eat. Monica: Hey. Ross: Hey. Monica: I just talked to Joey, I just—I want to see how you were. Ross: Oh y’know, I still—I can’t believe it. Joey and Rachel I mean it’s… It’s like you and me going out, only weirder! Monica: All right, I know you’re hurting, and-and I want to be supportive, but don’t say that again. Ross: Oh my God! What if, what if they get married? Then he’d be the stepfather of my child. Monica: Honey, I don’t think that’s something we need to worry about! First of all he’s-he’s never gonna tell her how he feels about her. And even if he did you have no idea how she’d react. Ross: Sure, because women never like Joey. Y’know, I think he’s a virgin. Monica: Joey…he’s not even thinking about going after Rachel! Ross: He’s not? Monica: No! All he’s thinking about is how you’re taking this! I mean, listen it’s totally freaking him out. He’s talking about moving to Vermont. Ross: Why? Monica: He says he wants to leave the country. He thinks you hate him. Ross: Hate him? I… No, I don’t hate him. It’s just it’s Rachel, y’know? Monica: Honey I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for you. But, I don’t want you to lose Joey over it. And right now he just needs to know that you’re still his friend. Ross: Okay. Okay, I’ll talk to him. Monica: All right. Now do it soon, he just asked me how to convert his dollars into Vermont money. Phoebe: Oh! Hi! Monica: Hi! Phoebe: Umm, Chandler, Monica, this is Don. Don: Oh, hello. Phoebe: Soul mate. Chandler: What? Phoebe: Soul mate. Monica: So, what have you guys been doing? Don: Well, we just had a terrible lunch today at Reattica. What is with all the sun-dried tomatoes at that place? Monica: I know! What is this, 1985?! Don: That’s exactly what I said. Phoebe, isn’t that strange. Monica: Not really. Chandler: What’s wrong with sun-dried tomatoes? No? Monica: So Don, what-what other restaurants do you like? Don: Well, Octavio, 27&7—Oh! And there’s this great little place, Alessandro’s. Monica: Oh my God! That’s my restaurant, I’m the chef there. Don: You’re kidding me! Monica: No! Don: Your food is fantastic! Wow, I really want to talk to you about your menu, once I get some coffees first. Um, anyone want any? Monica: Oh, I’d like a latte. Oh y’know what? If you’re gonna talk about me, I’m gonna go with you. Chandler: What are you doing?! Phoebe: Nothing! I swear to God I didn’t know you guys would be here! And the good news is you didn’t believe in soul mates. So… Chandler: I believe in tall, handsome strangers who hit on my wife! Phoebe: They’re just talking, and y’know what? Just because I think they’re soul mates doesn’t mean anything’s gonna happen. Monica: Phoebe, good work. Phoebe: Yeah? Monica: Yeah! Oh he’s great, I love him. Phoebe: Don’t worry, we’ll find you someone else. Joey: Hey. Ross: Hey. Joey: Look, I understand if you came by to hit me, I deserve it. Ross: No, I don’t want to hit you. Joey: Oh what then? Kick me? Ross: No. Joey: Bite me? Ross: No, no I don’t want to do anything to you. All right? I just want to tell you that I’m not mad at you and…and that I certainly do not hate you. I just, I just came here to say that. Joey: Oh now—Hey Ross-Ross! Do you wanna-wanna come in for a beer or something? Ross: Uh…yeah sure. Joey: Do uh, do you got any beer? All-all I got is this melon stuff that Rachel left. I don’t… Ross: Okay. Joey: Ross: Thank you. Joey: Anyway, it uh…look it’ll just…take me a while to get over her, that’s all. I’m not even sure how to do that, I mean I’ve never been in love before so… Ross: What?! You’re in love with her. Joey: Yeah, I thought you knew that. Ross: Umm, no. Joey: Wow. Hey look, if it helps, I don’t want to feel this way. Honest. I just keep thinking, "Ah, I’ll get over this." Y’know? I just—It just keeps gettin’ harder. I don’t, I don’t know what to do. Y’know? What do I do? Ross: I think you need to tell her how you feel. Joey: Okay that’s the green stuff talkin’. Ross: No, I’m serious. You-you need to find out where she is, because if she’s not where you are, then you can start to move past this. Joey: But what if uh—and I’m not saying she will be—But… Ross: If she is where you are then uh…then my feeling weird about it shouldn’t stand in the way. Joey: Are you sure? Ross: Yeah. Look if-if she’s gonna end up with somebody else, the truth is she couldn’t find a better guy. So… Joey: Hey thanks. Ross: So when do you think you’re gonna talk to her? Joey: Oh my God I have to tell her! I haven’t even thought about what I will say. What should I say? Ross: I’m understanding, but let’s not get carried away. Joey: I’m sorry, you’re right. What am I gonna say? Oh! Ross: Yeah, tell me about it. Commercial Break Don: …so I’ve been slowly phasing out the wine importing and focusing more on the cheese side of things. Chandler: Cheese you say? That’s some pretty smelly work, huh Don? Don: Excuse me? Chandler: Cheese, it’s smelly. You must smell a lot of the time too. Don: Uh, not really. But when it comes to cheese, I’m one of the people who thinks the smellier the better. Monica: Me too! Yeah, Chandler can’t stand it. He won’t even allow me to have blue cheese in the house. Don: And you’re still married to him? Monica: You know what I’d love to do? I would like to go to France and eat nothing but bread and cheese—Not even bread, just cheese. No, I want the bread. Yeah. Ah, and pastries… And pate. Oh, I’m really not high, it’s just I used to be fat. Don: Well if you where ever enter the Loire valley let me know, I’ve got a great little villa you can stay at. Chandler: Is it made of cheese? Don: No. But God, a house made of cheese, wouldn’t that be incredible?! Monica: I’d move in tomorrow! Chandler: Are you listening to this? Phoebe: I’m so sorry. Chandler: What do we do? Phoebe: I don’t know, they both want to live in a house of cheese! I don’t know how you fight that. Joey: Okay. Okay, I can do this. I can tell her how I feel. Just uh, just stand up straight. Rachel: Joey? What’s up? Joey: I uh, I just came by because I-I want to talk to you about something. Rachel: Okay what’s up? Joey: Here? In the hall? What are we animals? Rachel: Well honey, I’m late for a meeting. So can you just make it quick? Joey: Okay umm, I just came by to tell you that I…want to have dinner with you tonight. That’s all. Rachel: Sure! That sounds great! Just leave me a message and tell me where to meet you. Okay? Joey: Okay. That’s good. Okay, that give you a couple hours to prepare what you’re gonna say. Good. Yeah. Don’t you people ever knock?! Monica: I’d like to have Don and Phoebe over. Wouldn’t that be nice? Chandler: Sure, why don’t you set it up. I’ll just be over here, browsing through the personals. Monica: Are you okay? You’ve been acting weird all afternoon. Chandler: Yeah, fine. Fine. Not perfect!! But good enough. Monica: Jeez! What is with you? Chandler: I’m sorry, did you say cheese? Monica: All right, what’s going on? Chandler: Phoebe thinks you and Don are soul mates, and I don’t believe in that kind of stuff. But then you two totally get along. So look, I won’t stand in your way if you want to run off with Don and live in a house of cheese. Monica: Chandler, you don’t believe in soul mates? Chandler: No. But I’m sure ‘tomatoes’ does. Monica: I don’t believe in soul mates either. Chandler: You don’t? Monica: No. I don’t think that you and I were destined to end up together. I think that we fell in love and work hard at our relationship. Some days we work really hard. Chandler: So you…you don’t want to live with Don in a cheese house? Monica: No, I’ve had second thoughts about that. Do you realize how hard that would be to clean? Chandler: I love you. Monica: I know. Chandler: Y’know what? I am going to take you out to dinner tonight. I found this place that makes the greatest mozzarella sticks and jalepino poppers . No? Really? They taste so good. Rachel: …and I know Chandler is kidding but it happens every time he touches my stomach. I mean I’m really worried the baby’s not going to like him. Are you okay? Joey: What? Yeah! Sure! Uh, look at the uh, the reason…—Is it hot in here? Rachel: No. Not-not for me, but why don’t you take off your sweater? Joey: I would, but this is a nice place and my T-shirt has a picture of Calvin doing Hobbs. Rachel: Oh my God! Really?! Can I see it? Joey: Yeah. Sure. Rachel: Huh. Wow, I wouldn’t think Hobbs would like that so much. Joey: Uh… How long have we known each other? Rachel: Um, seven…e-e-eight, eight years. Wow. Joey: Uh-huh, long time. Rachel: Yeah. Joey: But over the past few weeks… Waiter: Hah, sorry about the wait, but it is mega-jammed in here! We have a couple specials tonight… Joey: Actually uh, could you give us a second? Waiter: Sure. Sure. Rachel: So you were saying? Joey: I’m not quite sure. Rachel: Okay, well you had asked me how long we had known each other, and I said, "Eight years." And the um, waiter came over and cut his tip in half, and umm…now here we are. Joey: Yeah, here we are. Uhh… I… I think I’m…falling in love with you. Rachel: What? Joey: I’m falling in love with you. Rachel: Okay. Umm… I-I…uh, wow. Are you uh… How did umm… When? Joey: Does it really matter? Rachel: Wow! Wow. Wow. Wow, it is hot in here. Joey: Okay look Rach, I know this is a lot. You don’t have to say anything. You-you uh, you take as much time as you need. Okay, you gotta say something! Rachel: Joey, Joey I love you so much, but I… Joey: But. Rachel: Joey. Joey: Yeah-yeah right. That’s okay. That’s fine. That’s uh, pretty much what I was expecting. So uh, it’s no big deal. All right? I think I’m gonna go. Rachel: No! Joey please! Please don’t! Please don’t leave like this! Now come on, you cannot do this to a pregnant woman! Joey: Don’t start doing that. You can’t do that Rach, ‘cause then you’re gonna make me do that. Rachel: Can I? Joey: Sure! Rachel: Oh Joey honey I don’t…I don’t want to lose… Joey: Hey-hey-hey, hey! You can’t. Okay? Ever! Rachel: I’m so sorry. Joey: Oh no-no Rach, please, don’t be sorry. Okay? Don’t be sorry. Y’know I was only kidding you. Rachel: Yeah, that was a real good one. Closing Credits Waiter No. 2: Is this your table? Waiter: Yeah. Waiter No. 2: God, you’re gonna be here all night! Waiter: I know! I haven’t even read them the specials yet! Waiter No. 2: What’s the matter with them? Waiter: I don’t know. I think maybe one of them is dying. The guy is really cute! End Teleplay by: Steven Rosenhaus Story by: R. Lee Flemming, Jr. Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Rachel: Joey? Are you in there? Joey: Oh God! That’s Rachel! Monica: Joey, you have to talk to her! Joey: No-no, I can’t! I can’t! Not after the other night, it’s just it’s…too weird, okay? Don’t tell her I’m here! Rachel: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Monica: Hey Rachel! Rachel: Is Joey here? Chandler: I don’t see him. Do you see him? Monica: I don’t see him. Hey! Maybe he’s in the sugar bowl! Rachel: Well, at least you make each other laugh. Monica: What’s up? Rachel: Well, I haven’t seen him since that night that he told me how he y’know… I don’t know, I think he’s avoiding me. Why is that bagel on the floor? Monica: We were playing a game. Rachel: Ew, was Chandler naked? Sort of like a, like a ring toss kind of situation? Monica: Sure. Chandler: What?! No! No! Rachel: All right. Well listen, if you see Joey will you just tell him uh…tell him I miss him. Monica: Okay, did you hear that? Joey: Yeah, a naked bagel game? Dude, I don’t know. That’s a pretty small hole. Monica: Honey, you gotta talk to her. Joey: I can’t! Y’know? You guys don’t know what it’s like to put yourself out there like that and just get shot down. Chandler: I don’t know what that’s like?! Up until I was 25 I thought the only response to, "I love you," was, "Oh crap!" Monica: Hello? No rejection? I got shot down at fat camp! Boy, kids are mean when they’re hungry. Joey: All right so, so what do I do? Monica: This is Rachel. I mean, what are you gonna do, never going to talk to her again? I mean I know it’s weird, it’s awkward, but you gotta at least try. Joey: Yeah. Okay. I almost forgot this was on your… Chandler: We didn’t play it!! Opening Credits Phoebe: Okay, so when you’re done with your tea I’ll look at your leaves and tell you your fortune. Chandler: I didn’t know you read tea leaves. Phoebe: Oh yeah, I’ve done it for years. I actually stopped because I was so accurate. Y’know, and-and y’know, one of the great joys of life is it’s-it’s wondrous unpredictability. Y’know? And also tea tends to give me the trots. Monica: Okay, I’m done. Read mine. Phoebe: Okay. Which can mean either a promotion or a violent death. Monica: I-I’m the head chef. I-I can’t get promoted. Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm, who’s next? Rachel: Okay, I’m done. Do mine. Phoebe: Okay. Umm, oh! Okay, I see a circle. Rachel: Ah. Phoebe: Oh! Which can either mean you’re having a baby or you’re gonna make a scientific discovery! Rachel: Well, I have been spending a lot of time in the lab. Chandler: What does yours say Pheebs? Phoebe: Umm… Wow, all right. Ross: Hey! Has anyone seen my shirt? It’s a button down, like a, like a faded salmon? Monica: You mean your pink shirt? Ross: Faded salmon color. Monica: No, I-I haven’t seen your pink shirt. Ross: Great! Great. Then I must’ve left it at Mona’s. I knew it! Chandler: Well, I’m sure you get another one at Ann Taylor’s. Ross: That’s my favorite shirt! Okay? I love that shirt! Rachel: Well just ask Mona to give it back! Ross: I don’t know. I mean I-I guess I could. It’s just that we didn’t really end things such good terms. And if I go over there I’d be ignoring the one thing she asked me to do when we broke up, jump up my own ass and die. Phoebe: Chandler: Phoebe, did you see that?! He totally checked you out! He is so cute! Mine has a picture of The Village People, what does that mean? Rachel: Hi! Joey: Hey. Rachel: Hi. Joey: Hi. Monica: Tea gives Phoebe the trots. Rachel: So I thought Joey and I would be okay once we hung out, but it’s not even like we know how to be with each other anymore. Chandler: I know it’s tough now, but things will get better. Rachel: How do you know that? What if it just gets worse and worse and worse, to the point where we can’t even be in the same room with each other?! Chandler: I’m not great at the advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? Some cheese? Monica: Honey, what is the Bruce Springsteen CD in the Kat Stevens case? Chandler: Let’s just say if I can’t find the right CD case I just put it in the nearest one. Monica: Okay, where is the Kat Stevens CD? Chandler: In the James Taylor case. Monica: Where is the James Taylor CD? Chandler: Honey, I’m gonna save you some time, 200 CDs, not one of them in the right case. Monica: Okay. No need to panic. Deep breathes everyone. Okay umm uh, we’re just gonna have to spend some time and put the CDs in the right cases. Chandler: Well, if we’re gonna do that we should come up with some kind of order. Y’know alphabetically or by genre? Monica: Hmm, I don’t know. We really have to talk this through. Rachel: Oh my God!! You guys have such problems!! I feel so terrible for you! Monica: Okay, I-I’m sorry. You and Joey, your both focusing on this uncomfortable thing, what you need to do is to change the subject. Next time you see him try to get him talking about something else. Rachel: Oh yeah. That makes sense. Monica: Yeah, like I don’t know, maybe you have a work problem that you need his advice on. Rachel: Ooh, I can do that. Monica: Good. Uh honey, the Miami Vice soundtrack? Really? Chandler: They were just giving those away at the store in exchange for money. Joey: Hey! Rachel: Hi. Monica: Uh I really don’t know what to tell you Rach, I really don’t. I mean, maybe Joey can help you out with your, with your big work problem. Rachel: What? Monica: Yeah Joey she’s…Rachel’s got this really big work problem, and it is a head scratcher. Wow! Joey: So you uh, have a…big work problem? Rachel: Yeah it’s umm… Yeah it’s uh… It-it’s y’know—It’s nothing. Joey: Huh. Okay. So uh, I think I’m gonna take off. Rachel: Yeah—No wait! Joey no wait it is. It’s something. It’s-it’s umm…it’s my boss. Joey: Yeah? Rachel: Yeah, and umm my baby. Joey: Yeah? Rachel: My boss wants to buy my baby! Joey: What?! Oh my-oh my God! Rachel: I know I told you, it’s a really big problem. Joey: What he wants to buy your baby?! Rachel: Can you believe that?! Joey: That’s crazy! Rachel: That’s what I told him! Joey: Okay, how did this even happen? Rachel: Well I’ll tell ya! See uh my-my boss and his wife—They-they can’t have children. So umm, and that—we were at the Christmas party, and he got drunk, and he said to me, "Rachel, I want to buy your baby." Joey: Man! When you said it was a problem about your boss and the baby I figured it was something about maternity leave. Rachel: Ohh! Yeah! Yeah that-that would’ve been a much simpler problem. Phoebe: Oh hello. Guy: Oh, it’s you. I see you everywhere. I’m Jim, Jim Nelson. Phoebe: Oh Jim, Jim Nelson I’m Phoebe, Phoebe Buffay. We certainly have been seeing a lot of each other lately. Jim: We have. Maybe we’ll be seeing each other at dinner tomorrow night, say around 8 o’clock? Phoebe: Well, maybe we will. Ross: Mona? Mona: I am so sorry I spilled wine all over your shirt. Mona's Date: Oh, it’s okay. Mona: No, it’s still wet. Y’know what? Let me get it out before it sets. Ooh, I have something you can wear. Here. Mona's Date: Oh umm, I-I don’t know if I want to wear a woman’s shirt. Mona: No-no that’s a man’s shirt. Mona's Date: It’s awfully pink. Chandler: Oh my God, honey we are so meant to be together. We both have copies of the Annie soundtrack. Monica: Honey, both yours. Rachel: Hey! Great advice on that Joey thing! Monica: Yeah? The work problem? Rachel: Oh it was perfect! I mean it really felt like he was my friend again. Chandler: What problem did you tell him you had? Rachel: Oh that’s not important. The point is, I really—I think everything’s gonna be okay. Mr. Zelner: May I help you? Joey: Do you think you can just buy my friends baby?! Commercial Break Phoebe: Isn’t it funny how we kept running into each other? It’s as if someone really wants us to be together. Jim: Someone does. Me. Phoebe: Oh, witty banter. Well done. Jim: So, tell me a little bit about yourself. Phoebe: Oh okay, well I’m a masseuse, and I used to work at this place… Jim: Do you like to party? Phoebe: I-I-I like, I like parties. Jim: You’re wild, aren’t ya? Phoebe: Yeah I guess, a little. Jim: It ain’t no thing, I’m wild too. Phoebe: So! Umm, anyway I-I lived in New York, someone wildly I guess, for umm—Well since I was fourteen. Jim: I’m sorry. I’m staring. It’s just that you have the most beautiful eyes. Phoebe: Oh stop it. Jim: And your breasts! Hmm!!! Phoebe: Okay. Umm look, you’re coming on a little strong. But I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt, because it seems the universe really wants to be together. So, why don’t we just start over okay? And you can just tell me about yourself. Jim: All right. Phoebe: Okay. Jim: I write erotic novels, for children. Phoebe: What?! Jim: They’re wildly unpopular. Phoebe: Oh my God! Jim: Oh also, you might be interested to know that I have a Ph.D. Phoebe: Wow! You do? Jim: Yeah, a Pretty Huge… Phoebe: All right. Chandler: …there’ll be sun. Joey: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Oh Joey, honey listen, thank you for talking to my yesterday about that thing with my boss. That really meant a lot. Joey: Not a problem. Oh, and just so you know, that guy’s not going to be bothering you about that baby thing anymore. Rachel: What? Joey: Let’s just say I took care of it. Rachel: Whoa-whoa-whoa, let’s say more! Joey: Don’t worry! Don’t worry. I just told him, very nicely, "You don’t go buying people’s babies, so back off!!" Rachel: What?! Chandler and Monica: What?! Rachel: No! No, no-no-no Joey he doesn’t want to buy my baby! I made that up! Joey: What?! Why?! Rachel: So that we would have something to talk about! So it wouldn’t be awkward! Joey: And you couldn’t think of anything else?! Monica: You said your boss wants to buy your baby?! Rachel: I can’t believe that you yelled at my boss! I’m-I’m gonna lose my job! What am I going to do?! Chandler: You can always sell your baby. Rachel: Oh Joey, I can’t believe you brought my boss into this! I’m gonna get fired! Joey: You lied to me! Rachel: Well, she told me too! Monica: Chandler has two copies of Annie! Mona: Oh my God! Ross!!! Ross: Hello!! Mona: Ross, what are you doing?! Ross: Not touching myself if that makes anyone less uncomfortable. Rachel: Morning. You wanted to see me? Mr. Zelner: Please, come in. Have a seat. Rachel: Okay look Mr. Zelner… Mr. Zelner: Oh I think it’s best that I speak first. Rachel: Yeah. Mr. Zelner: I’ve asked Lee from human resources to be here as a witness to our conversation. Rachel: Oh God. Mr. Zelner: If I in any way implied that I wanted to buy your baby…I am sorry. Okay? Last week when I asked you when your due date was uh, I certainly did not mean that I felt that I was due your baby. Yeah, I want to be very clear that I understand that its your baby, and it is not mine to purchase. Rachel: Well, as long as we are clear about that. Phoebe: Oh there it is. Monica: That’s not your regular dry cleaners. Phoebe: I know, but that creep that I went on that date with goes to there so I have to find a new one. I also have to find a new video store, a new bank, a new adult bookstore, a new grocery store… Monica: What?! Phoebe: A new grocery store. The universe said I was going to meet a nice guy and that’s what they gave me? When I get up there I’m going to kick some ass. Monica: Don’t worry Phoebe, you’re gonna meet someone. If I can meet a great guy, so can you. Phoebe: Yeah, we both can. And we both will. Phoebe: Oh, you didn’t have to come in with me. Monica: Are you kidding? This is where they get out stains! Okay? This is like Disneyland for me. I’m-I’m gonna be over here watching the dance of the clean shirts. Phoebe: Okay. Guy: Wow! Phoebe: What? Guy: I’m sorry, it’s just that you’re so incredibly beautiful. Phoebe: Oh yeah well, I’m sorry about that too, but what are you going to do? Guy: I hope you don’t think I’m crazy but I feel like I was meant to pick this up, do you believe in that kind of thing? Phoebe: A little. Now you’re talking. Guy: Would you like to go out and have a cup of coffee? Phoebe: I-I-I’d love to. Let me just tell my friend. Monica: Ooh, an ink stain! Hey, can I watch how you get this out? Phoebe: She must’ve left. Rachel: Hi. Joey: So? What-what-what happened? Rachel: It’s all gonna be okay. They’re just so happy that I’m not suing them that they gave me one extra month paid maternity leave. So long as I understand that the money should not construed as a down payment on this or any other child I should bear. Chandler: Wow, Ralph Lauren is really going out of there way to show they’re not in the baby buying business. Rachel: Chandler, can you give us a minute? Chandler: Oh I’m sorry, you’re kicking me out of my own living room? Rachel: Yeah. Chandler: I’ll be in there. Rachel: Joey, I’m really sorry that I lied to you. I was just trying to make things… Joey: I know. I know. Rachel: It kinda worked. I mean y’know, I don’t know about you buy I haven’t thought about our thing since all this. Joey: Hey you’re right. Yeah, it’s kinda been like us again a little bit. Rachel: Yeah I know! I miss that. Joey: Me too. I mean I…haven’t thought at all about how I put myself out there and said all that stuff and how you didn’t feel the same way about me and-and how it was really awkward. Rachel: My gynecologist tried to kill me. Closing Credits Ross: Mona: Listen Ross, you don’t have to apologize. I understand why you were there. Ross: You do? Mona: Yeah, you still have feelings for me. And-and to be honest, I-I still have feelings for you. And I wish that we can work it out Ross, but we can’t. It’s too complicated with you and Rachel and the baby, I-I just… It just wasn’t meant to be. Ross: Oh God you’re right. Mona: Ross, we…we have to be strong. Okay, I-I’m gonna go. Can I? To remember you? Ross: End Teleplay by: Mark Kunerth Story by: Peter Tibbals Transcribed by: Cassie With Help From: Eric Aasen Phoebe: Oh, Ross, Mon, is it okay if I bring someone to your parent’s anniversary party? Monica: Yeah. Ross: Sure. Yeah. Joey: So, who’s the guy? Phoebe: Well, his name is Parker and I met him at the drycleaners. Chandler: Oooh, did he put a little starch in your bloomers? Who said that? Phoebe: Yeah, he’s really great though. He has this incredible zest for life, and he treats me like a queen, except at night when he treats me like the naughty girl I am. Monica: Oh, by the way. Would it be okay if I gave the toast to mom and dad this year? Ross: Uh, yeah, you sure you want to after what happened at their 20th? Monica: Yeah, I’d really like to. Ross: Okay, hopefully this time mom won’t boo you. Monica: Yes! Every year Ross makes the toast, and it’s always really moving, and always makes them cry. Well this year I’m going to make them cry. Chandler: And you wonder why Ross is their favorite? Monica: No! Really! Any time Ross makes a toast everyone cries, and hugs him, and pats him on the back and they all come up to me and say, "God, your brother." Know what they’ll say this year? "God, you" Joey: Well I can promise you, at least one person will be crying. Monica: Really you can do that? Joey: Are you kidding me? Watch! Well I can’t do it with you guys watching me! Opening Credits Chandler: What are you doing? Monica: Oh I’m working on my toast for the party, or as I like to call it. Sob fest 2002. Hey check this out. Chandler: It’s a dog. Monica: It’s a dead dog. That’s Chi-Chi; she died when I was in high school. Chandler: It’s your parents’ anniversary and you’re going to talk about their dead pet? Monica: The good stuff, huh? Rachel: Hi! Ross: Hey! Joey: Hey! Monica: You got a present for my parents. That’s so sweet. Joey: Yeah, yeah, in honor of their 35th wedding anniversary, I had a star named after them. Ross: Aww that is so cool. Joey: And I got them a book on Karma Sutra for the elderly. Rachel: Hey, do you guys have any extra ribbon? Chandler: Yeah, sure. What do you need? We got lace, satin, sateen, raffia, gingham, felt, and I think my testacles may be in here too. Ross: Aww! Chi-Chi! Oh, I loved this dog! Y’know Monica couldn’t get braces because Chi-Chi needed knee surgery. Monica: What?! Ross: You were the 200-pound 11-year-old who rode her! Phoebe: Hey! All: Hi! Phoebe: Everybody, this is Parker, Parker this is… Parker: No, no, no wait! Don’t tell me. Let me guess. Chandler, I’m kidding all ready you’re my favorite! Chandler: Ha! Parker: Why don’t all of you tell me a little about your self? Ross: Ah, actually, I’m sorry we-we probably should get going. Parker: Rachel: I, uh, think you already are. Parker: Rachel, you have life growing inside you. Is there anything in this world more miraculous than—Oh a picture of a dog! Whose is this? Monica: That’s my old dog. He passed away years ago. Parker: Oh well, at least you were lucky to have him. Bow-wow old friend, bow-wow. So where’s the party? Monica: It’s out on the island. It’s in Massapequa. Parker: Maaaassapequa, sounds like a magical place. Tell me about Massapequa, is it steep in Native American history? {Transcriber’s Note: Interestingly Alec Baldwin was born in Massapequa.} Ross: Well, there is an Arby’s in the shape of a tee-pee. Monica: Okay, I got my note cards. Do you got the presents? Chandler: Yeah. Monica: And I’ve got the car keys. Parker: We’re driving!? Monica: Yeah. Parker: Aces! Ross: So uh, he seems like a nice guy. Rachel: Yeah, yeah I like him a lot. Ross: Ya wanna hang back and take our own cab? Rachel: Yeah, otherwise I’m not going. Mr. and Mrs. Geller: Hi Ross: Hi! Hey mom. Rachel: This is such a great party! 35 years. Very impressive, do you guys have any pearls of wisdom? Mrs. Geller: Jack? Mr. Geller: Why would you serve food on such a sharp stick? Ross: That’s a good question, dad. That’s a good question… Rachel: Hmmm…. Woman: Congratulations you two! Rachel: Thank you…we’re so excited Woman: And also, congratulations on your wedding. Ross: Wha—What? Mrs. Geller: Can we talk to you for just a y’know… It’s just a little thing. Well we think it’s absolutely marvelous that you’re having this baby out of wedlock, some of our friends are less open-minded. Which is why we’ve told them all that you’re married. Ross and Rachel: What?! Mrs. Geller: Thanks for going along with this. Ross: Dad so what we have to pretend that we’re married? Mr. Geller: Son, I had to shave my ears for tonight. You can do this. Ross: Can you believe that? Rachel: Yeah, if you’re going to do the ears, you might as well take a pass at the nosal area. Ross: No, us having to lie about being married. Rachel: No, I know I don’t either, but ya know what, it’s their party, and it’s just one night. And we don’t even have to lie; we just won’t say anything. If it comes up again, we’ll just…smile. We’ll nod along. Woman: Ross! Man: Rachel! Ross: Hi Aunt Lisa, Uncle Dan Aunt Lisa: Congratulations on the baby, and on the wedding Ross and Rachel: Hmmmm…. Uncle Dan: Here’s a little something to get you started. Rachel: Oh… Aunt Lisa: So, how’s married life treating you? Rachel: Unbelievable! Ross: We love marriage! Aunt Lisa: Great! Ross: Hey Phoebe: Hey! Parker: What a beautiful place. What a great night! I have to tell you, being here with all of you in Event Room C…I feel so lucky. I think of all the good times that have happened here. The birthdays, the proms, the mitzvahs both bar and bat, but none of them will compare with tonight! My God, I don’t want to forget this moment! It’s like I want to take a mental picture of you all! Click! Chandler: I don’t think the flash went off. Parker: Dahaaa! I’m going to find the men’s room, be right back. Phoebe: I’ll go with you Parker: Come on! Chandler: Somewhere there is someone with a tranquilizer gun and a huge butterfly net looking for that man. Joey: I have to go to the bathroom too, but I don’t want him complimenting my thing. Ross: I’m so we weren’t in the car! Did he ever let up? Monica: He called the Long Island Expressway a concrete miracle. Ross: Phoebe: Were you guys making fun of Parker? Ross: That depends, how much did you hear? Phoebe: So, he a little enthusiastic, what’s wrong with that? Monica: It’s just that, it’s so much. Phoebe: Well, so what I like him! Do I make fun of the people you’ve dated? Tag, Janice, Mona? No, because friends don’t do that. But, do you want my opinion? Do you want it? ‘Cause in my opinion, your collective dating record reads like the who’s who of human crap. Monica: I feel terrible. Joey: I know Ross: What was wrong with Mona? Commercial Break Rachel: Open it! Open it! Open it! Ross: Yeah baby! Man: So we never got to hear about your wedding! Woman: We were surprise that we weren’t invited. Ross: No, no, it was just our parents and 1 or 2 friends. It was a small wedding. Rachel: But it was beautiful. I mean it was small, but kind of spectacular. Man: Where did you have it? Rachel: On a cliff, in Barbados, at sunset, and Stevie Wonder sang Isn’t She Lovely as I walked down the aisle. Woman: Really? Rachel: Yeah, Stevie’s an old family friend. Woman: Oh my God. That sounds amazing. I would love to see pictures. Rachel: So would I. You wouldn’t think that Annie Liebawitz would forget to put film in the camera. Ross: Would you excuse us for a second? Umm…. what are you doing? Rachel: What? I’m not you. This may be the only wedding I ever have. I want it to be amazing. Ross: Okay, okay. Ooooh, ooh maybe I rode in on a Harley. Rachel: Okay, Ross, it has to be realistic. Parker: Are you okay? You seem kind of quiet. Phoebe: No, I’m fine. I’m great. I’m with you. Parker: And I’m with you! What a great time to be alive! Look at this plate-bouncy thing. What an inspired solution to man’s plate dispensing problems. Phoebe: Hm huh, yeah. Parker: Ah! Oysters! Let me feed you one. Phoebe: No, that’s not necessary. Parker: Please. Phoebe: No, actually I don’t eat… Parker: I won’t quit until you try. Phoebe: Okay, fine! Fine! Mmm…hmmmmm…. Parker: What are they like? I’ve never had one. Phoebe: Why don’t you just try one? Parker: No, they look too weird. Chandler: What are you doin’? Monica: Just going over my toast. Those two will never know what hit ‘em. I can’t wait. They’re going to be crying so hard. They’re going to be fighting for breath. Chandler: Ya know if you want to, I can just hold them down and you could . Rachel: And my veil was lace, made by blind, Belgium nuns. Woman: Blind? Rachel: Well, not at first, but it was very intricate work and they said even though they lost their sight, it was all worth it. Aunt Lisa: I’ll bet you looked beautiful… Rachel: Well, I don’t know about that, but some said that I looked like a floating angel. Woman: So, how did you propose? Rachel: Oh yeah. That’s a great story. Ross: Well, um, actually, I-I took her to the planetarium. That’s-that’s where we had our first date. Um, she walked in and I had the room filled with lilies, her favorite flower… Aunt Lisa: Oh that is so sweet! Rachel: Shhh! I want to hear the rest! Ross: Then, Fred Astaire singing The Way You Look Tonight came on the sound system, and the lights came down. And I got down on one knee and written across the dome in the stars were the words "Will you marry me?" Rachel: And the ring, was the size of my fist ! Joey: Yeah uh, Phoebe! Look umm, I want to apologize about before, okay? We were being jerks. Parker’s a nice guy and I’d like to get to know him. Phoebe: Then you better do it now. Joey: Why? Phoebe: Because I’m going to kill him Joey: What-what? Phoebe: You guys were right. He’s just too excited about…everything. I mean I’m all for living life, but this is the Geller’s 35th anniversary. Okay? Let’s call a spade a spade this party stinks. Joey: I know I’m having the worst time. There was a 15-minute line for the buffet, and when I finally got up to the plates, I slipped on a giant booger! Phoebe: Are you sure it wasn’t an oyster? Joey: I guess it could’ve been, I didn’t really look at it. Y’know, I just wiped it on Chandler’s coat and got the hell out of there. Phoebe: He’s just such a great guy I’m so excited about him. Joey: Oh hey, you should be excited about him. There’s nothing wrong with him he’s a good guy. Phoebe: You think? Joey: Yeah. Ya know what I think; I think we were all just being too negative. Phoebe: You’re right. You’re right, he’s just embracing life. We could all stand to be a little more like Parker. You know what? I am like him! I’m a sunny, positive person. Joey: Actually, you have a little bit of an edge. Phoebe: What’s that now? Joey: Nothing… Phoebe: Oh look it’s Parker! Parker: Look! It’s the bunny hop! Phoebe: Oooh I love it! Parker: You do?! Phoebe: Are you kidding? People acting like animals to music. Come on! Monica: Okay it’s time for the toast! Umm now-now, I know that Ross usually gives the toast, but this year I’m going to do it. Monica: No, no it’s going to be great. Really! Mom, Dad, when I got married, one of the things that made me sure I could do it was the amazing example the two of you set for me. For that and so many other things I want to say thank you. I know I probably don’t say it enough, but I love you. You people are made of stone! Here’s to mom and dad! Whatever! Mrs. Geller: Thank you Monica that was uh, interesting. Wasn’t it interesting, Jack? Mr. Geller: Why don’t I remember this dog? Mrs. Geller: Ross, why don’t you give us your toast now? Ross: Oh, no, Mom, it’s just Monica this year. Mrs. Geller: You’re not going to say anything? On our 35th wedding anniversary Ross: No, of course, Um… Um, everybody? Um, I-I just wanted to say…on behalf of my new bride, Rachel , and myself. Umm, that if…if in 35 years, we’re half as happy as you guys are, we’ll count ourselves the luckiest people in the world. Mrs. Geller: Oh Ross… Mr. Geller: I just wish Nana were alive to hear Ross’s toast. Parker: My God what a fantastically well lit hallway! Phoebe: Can I get you something to drink? Like a water and Valium? Parker: I must say this apartment, its, its, There are no words… Phoebe: Oh thank God. Parker: It’s a haven. A third-floor paradise. A modern-day Eden in the midst… Phoebe: Yeah? I know! I know! Uh huh? Listen why don’t we just um, sit and relax? You know just be with each other. Quietly! Parker: That sounds great. Phoebe: Let’s try something else, let’s play a game. Parker: I love games! Phoebe: Shocking! Let’s play the game of who can stay quiet the longest. Parker: Or…Jenga. Phoebe: But, let’s play this one first. And remember whoever talks first loses! Parker: I lose, now Jenga. Phoebe: Oh my God! Oh my God! Parker: Is something wrong? Phoebe: Wrong? Really? You know the word wrong. Everything isn’t perfect? Everything isn’t magical? Everything isn’t a glow with the light of a million fairies? They were just brake lights, Parker! Parker: Well, excuse me for putting a good spin on a traffic jam! Phoebe: You don’t have to put a good spin on everything. Parker: I’m sorry that’s who I am. I’m a positive person. Phoebe: No! I am a positive person. You are like Santa Clause on Prozac, at Disneyland, getting laid! Parker: So what do you want me to do, you want me to be more negative, less happy? Phoebe: Much less happy! Parker: Fine! Well then to quote Ross, "I’d better be going." Phoebe: So long! Don’t let the best door in the world hit you in the ass on your way out! Parker: Isn’t this the most incredible fight you’ve ever had in your entire life? Phoebe: Uh huh. Ross: …and then, we could’ve gone from the ceremony to the reception with you in the sidecar! Rachel: Ross, it just wouldn’t have been feasible. Ross: But having a dove place the ring on your finger would’ve been no problem? Rachel: It was really fun being married to you tonight. Ross: Yeah! And! And, it was the easiest 400 bucks I’ve ever made. Rachel: Okay Ross, can I uh, can I ask you something? Ross: Yeah. Rachel: That proposal, at the planetarium… Ross: I know, I know it was stupid. Rachel: Are you kidding?! With the, with the lilies, and-and the song, and the stars! It was…really wonderful! Did you just make that up? Ross: No, actually I thought about it when, when we were going out. It’s how I imagined I uh, I would ask you to marry me. Rachel: Well, that would’ve been very hard to say no too. Ross: It’s a good thing I didn’t do it, because it sounds like it would’ve been a very expensive wedding. Okay, good night Rachel: Goodnight Ross: Even if the sidecar had a windscreen so your hair wouldn’t get messed up? Rachel: I will think about it. Ross: That’s all I’m askin’ Ending Credits Monica: Okay that’s it. I give up. At mom and dad’s 40th anniversary, you’re the one giving the speech. Ross: Y’know I don’t understand why they didn’t cry. It was a beautiful speech. Monica: Oh, come on. Ross: Hey! All that stuff you said about true love, you were right, I mean, we did learn a lot from Mom and Dad! And that picture of Chi-Chi with her mischievous grin. And what you said about Nana. Ohh, yeah she really would’ve wanted to be there. And you know what? I think she was. Monica: Oh good God, Ross! How the hell do you do it? End Written by: Doty Abrams Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Episodes Orginally Transcribed by: Eric Aasen, guineapig, Josh Hodge, Aaron D. Howard-Miller, and Kiza Abuzahra. Rachel: Hi! Ross: Hey! Monica: Hey! Rachel: So, I’m in my apartment doing the Soap Opera Digest crossword puzzle, and guess who the clue is for three down. Joey: Three down, Days Of Our Lives star blank Tribbiani. That’s me!! I’m blank!! Monica: How cool is this?! We know three down! I’m touching three down! Joey: Yeah you are baby. Monica: Three down knows I’m married, what’s three down doin’? Rachel: So did they call you to tell you your name’s gonna be in this? Joey: No. They really like me over there. They want to do a big profile on me, but I said no. Ross: Why’d you say no? Joey: Remember what happened the last time I did an interview for them? I said I write a lot of my own lines, and then the writers got mad and made my character fall down the elevator shaft. So who knows what I might say this time. Chandler: If only there was something in your head to control the things you say. Rachel: Oh, come on Joey! You will totally keep it in check this time, and plus y’know the publicity would be really good for your career! And you deserve that! And if you do the interview you can mention, oh I don’t know, gal pal Rachel Green? Chandler: Is that gal pal spelled L-O-S-E-R? Rachel: Okay, don’t listen to him. Please? Joey: Fine! All right, I’ll do it. But hey! You guys have to be at the next table so you can stop me if I y’know, start to say something stupid. Ross: Just then or-or all the time, ‘cause we-we have jobs y’know. Rachel: Come on! We will be there for you the whole time! Just remember gal pal Rachel Green. Seriously, proud of you. Joey: Yeah. Opening Credits The Interviewer: I really appreciate you taking the time to do this. Joey: Oh, not at all. Happy to do it. Monica: You think we’re being obvious? Chandler: No, we’re just four people with neck problems. You talk like this. The Interviewer: Y’know I think its great you wanted to meet here. Y’know when most people hear the magazine is paying for it they want to go to a big fancy restaurant. Joey: Actually, I didn’t know the magazine was paying for it. Wouldn’t have mattered, I’m doing this for the fans, not for the free food. Gunther: Can I get you anything? The Interviewer: Umm, I’ll have a cup of coffee. Joey: And I’ll have all the muffins. Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Shhh! We’re not talking. Phoebe: Oh. Finally! Oh. The Interviewer: So, according to your bio, you’ve done quite a bit of work before Days of Our Lives. Anything you’re particularly proud of? Joey: All you want is a dingle, What you envy's a schwang, A thing through which you can tinkle, Or play with, or simply let hang... Host: Folks, has this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, and these darn cartons are so flingin'-flangin' hard to open. Joey: Oh, you said it Mike. Aw! There's got to be a better way! Mike: And there is Kevin. Mike: This is the first time he’s ever used this product, he's never used this product before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do. This works with any milk carton. Joey: Now, I can have milk everyday. Lauren: So this is it? Victor? Joey: Yeah, I guess it is. And so… I’m gonna get on this spaceship, So you tell your great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because Adrienne… baby…I’m gonna want to meet her. Joey: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm comin' to fix the copier, I can't get to the copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I do…so I just watch 'em have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my line, you know that's bad for the paper tray. Chandler: Nice work my friend. Joey: Thank you. Wait-wait-wait-wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am… Joey: Well, there are so many things, it’s hard to pick just one. Phoebe: I’m gonna get some coffee, anyone want anything? Rachel: Oh yeah, I’d actually love a blueberry muffin and a chamomile tea. Ross: Uh, double latte, extra foam. Chandler: And a bagel with only… Phoebe: I was just being polite! The Interviewer: Okay, how about when you’re not working. What do you do in your spare time? Joey: Who names their boat Coast Guard anyway? Rachel: That is the Coast Guard. Joey: What are they doing out here? The coast’s all the way over there. Chandler: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Check it out! This is unbelievable! Joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes! Joey: Dude! What are yo—you trying to kill me?! Chandler: Well, I see you've had a very productive day. Don't you think the cowboy hat is a little much? Ross: Come on, it's fun! Chandler: All right! Isn't this a woman's hat? Joey: Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea! Chandler: Y’know what, we have to turn off the porn. Joey: I think you’re right. Chandler: All right, ready? Joey: One. Chandler: Two. Both: Three. Joey: That’s kinda nice. Chandler: Yeah, that’s kinda a relief. Joey: Yeah. Chandler: You wanna see if we still have it? Joey: Yeah. Chandler: FREE PORN!!! Joey: Yeah!! Chandler: We have free porn here!!! Joey: In my spare time I uh, read to the blind. And I’m also a mento for the kids. The Interviewer: A mento… Joey: Right. The Interviewer: Like the candy? Joey: Matter of fact, I do. The Interviewer: Well umm, another thing our readers always want to know is how our soap stars stay in such great shape. Do you have some kind of fitness regime? Joey: Uh, we stars just try to eat right and get lots of exercise. Joey: Wow! You realize that we've been throwing this ball, without dropping it, for like an hour? Ross: Are you serious?! Joey: Yeah. I realized it about a half-hour ago but I didn't want to say anything 'cause I didn't want to jinx it. Ross: Wow! We are pretty good at this! Joey: Yeah! Ross: Hey! We totally forgot about lunch! Joey: Oh, I-I, I think that's the first time I ever missed a meal! Yeah, my pants are a little loose! Chandler: What’s wrong with you? Joey: Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before, then I uh passed out and uh, haven’t been able to stand up since. But um, I don’t think it’s anything serious. Chandler: This sounds like a hernia. You have to—you-you—Go to the doctor! Joey: No way! ‘Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything it’s gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! Damn you 15s! Rachel: It’s a trifle. It’s got all of these layers. First there’s a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from scratch. then a little more custard, and then bananas, and then I just put some whipped cream on top! Ross: It tastes like feet! Joey: I like it. Ross: Are you kidding? Joey: What’s not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Goooooood. Joey: The fridge broke. I have to eat everything. Cold cuts, ice cream, limes—Hey, what was in that brown jar? Chandler: That’s still in there?! Joey: Not anymore. Rachel: Oh! Yay! Look! There’s a piece that doesn’t have floor on it! Chandler: Stick to your side! Rachel: Hey, come on now! Joey: Joey: Uhh, I don’t believe in these crazy diets y’know, just everything in moderation. Gunther: Your muffins. Joey: I’ll take those to go. For the kids. The Interviewer: Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you. You were on the show years ago and then they killed you off. What happened there? Joey: It was so stupid, I said some stuff in an interview that I shouldn’t have said. But believe me, that’s not gonna happen today. The Interviewer: Understood. So, what’d you say back then? Joey: Well, I said that I… Commercial Break Joey: You guys, this is Shelley, she’s interviewing me for Soap Opera Digest, and Shelley, this are my friends… Rachel: gal pal Rachel Green. Ross: Who just lost the respect of her unborn child. The Interviewer: Umm, I’m gonna just go get this warmed up. Joey: Okay. Monica: Joey! You’re doing great! Ross: Yeah, so far nothing stupid. Chandler: Mento? Joey: No thanks. The Interviewer: So, as Joey’s friends, is there anything that you guys think our readers ought to know? Ross: Uh no, no just-just that he is a great guy. Rachel: …I would just like to say that Joey truly has enriched the days of our lives. Phoebe: Umm, I…I just think you don’t expect someone so hot to be so sweet. The Interviewer: Oh! I like that. What’s your name? Phoebe: Umm, Phoebe Buffay. The Interviewer: How do you spell that? So we can get it right. Phoebe: Oh okay, it’s P as in Phoebe, H as in hoebe, O as in oebe, E as in ebe, B as in bee-bee and E as in ‘Ello there mate! The Interviewer: Great! Well, it was nice meeting all of you. Ross: Yeah, you too. Rachel: You too! Chandler: Thanks. Monica: Bye. The Interviewer: So it seems like you have a lot of friends, who would you say is your best friend? Joey: How come you have two? Chandler: Well this one's for you. Joey: Get out. Chandler: No, I can't. No-no, listen, I, I know how much this means to you and I also know that this is about more than just jewelry, best buds. Joey: Wow, is this friendship? I think so. Check it out, we're bracelet buddies. Chandler: That's what they'll call us. Rachel: Oh, Joey! Sorry! Joey: No that’s all right. Don’t worry about it. Rachel: Oh but look! That’s gonna leave a stain! Joey: Rach! Hey! It’s fine! You’re at Joey’s! Rachel: Really? Joey: Yeah! Look! Rachel: I’ve never lived like this before. Joey: I know. Joey: All right, don’t waste it, I mean its still food. Ross: All right I've been feeling incredibly guilty about this, because I wanna be a good friend, and damnit I am a good friend. So just, just shut up and close your eyes . Joey: Wow, you are a good friend, 'course the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl. Joey: All right. Let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths. Phoebe: Get your foot off my contestant! Judge! Joey: Judge rules, no violation. Phoebe: Ohhh. Joey: And the duck gets the Nutter-Butter! Phoebe: No!! Hey-hey that's not a Nutter-Butter, that's just an old Wonton! Joey: Judge rules, Nutter-Butter. Phoebe: Ohh, tough call. Joey: Yeah. Joey: I’d seen this thing on The Discovery Channel... Ross: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you... Ewwww!! You peed on yourself?! Phoebe and Rachel: Ewwww!! Monica: You can’t say that!! You-you don’t know!! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldn’t...bend that way. So... Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel: Ewwww!! Joey: That’s right I stepped up! She’s my friend and she needed help! And if I had too, I’d pee on anyone of you! Joey: Umm, no. No best friend, no. Just a lot of close friends. The Interviewer: So umm, now back to the show. How does it feel to have a huge gay fan base? Joey: Really? Me? Wow! I don’t even know any huge gay people! Chandler: It hurts me. It physically hurts me. The Interviewer: Now, off the record, you’re not… Joey: What? Are you referring to my man's bag? At first, I thought it just looked good, but it's practical too. Check it out! It's got compartments for all your stuff! Your wallet! Your keys! Your address book! Ross: Your make-up! Ross: Okay. Now-now-now should I climb down your front so we’re face to face or-or should I climb down your back so we’re-we’re butt to face. Joey: I think face to face. Ross: I would say that. Joey: Face to face, yeah! Ross: Okay, here I go. Joey: All right. Joey: Oh my… How much do you weigh Ross?! Ross: I prefer not to answer that right now, I’m still carrying a little holiday weight. Joey: Y’know, when we talked about face to face, I don’t think we thought it all the way through. Joey: Hey Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Check it out. How much of a man am I?! Phoebe: Wow! Nice! Manly and also kind of a slut. Chandler: You’re turning into a woman. Joey: No I’m not. Why would you say that? That’s just mean. Chandler: Now I’ve upset you? What did I say? Joey: It’s not what you said. It’s the way you said it… Oh My God, I’m a woman!!! Joey: Great nap. Ross: It really was. Joey: Uh me? Gay? No! No. No, but I have a number of close friends who are. The Interviewer: So, let’s talk about women. I’m sure our female readers will be interested to know about your romantic life. Joey: Oh-oh-oh-oh, how I do it is, I look a woman up and down and say, "Hey, how you doin’?" Phoebe: Oh, please! Joey: Hey, how you doin’? Joey: Hey! How you doin’? Woman: He has the most amazing Porsche under there! Joey: I’d love to show ya, but I just tucked her in. She’s sleeping. Woman: Hi, is Rachel here? I’m her sister. Rachel: Oh my God, Jill! Jill: Oh my God, Rachel! Chandler: Oh my God, introduce us! Rachel: This is Chandler. Jill: Hi! Rachel: And you know Monica and Ross! Ross: Hi Jill. Rachel: And that’s Phoebe , and that’s Joey. Joey: Hey, how you doin’? Rachel: Don’t!! Janine: No! I mean you're a really nice guy and I'm happy to be your roommate and your friend, I'm just y'know, I just don't feel that way about you. Joey: Oh! I see what happened. It's because I was trying to repel you. Right? Believe me, you'd feel a lot different if I turned it on. Janine: I don't think so. Joey: Oh, I do. How you doin? Janine: I'm okay. Joey: What?!?! Oh dear God! Joey: Not much to tell there I’m really shy. The Interviewer: So, that’s it. I guess that’s all I need. Thank you so much. I think they will be running this in the beginning of next month. Joey: Oh great! Great! Thank you. The Interviewer: Bye. Joey: Bye-bye. I did it! Rachel: Yeah! Ross: Amazing! Amazing! The Interviewer: Oh wait! I almost forgot. We have to ask everybody this. Other than Days of Our Lives, what’s your favorite soap opera? Joey: Oh, I don’t watch soap operas. Excuse me, I have a life, y’know? The Interviewer: Thank you. The readers at Soap Opera Digest will be happy to hear that. Joey: Oh, good to know. So close! Closing Credits Rachel: Wow! I can’t believe they didn’t put it in the part where you said you didn’t watch soap operas. Joey: Yeah, I called the lady about that. I told her I was just joking. She was pretty nice about that. Monica: You slept with her didn’t you? Joey: Little bit, yeah. Ross: Wow! This picture of you sure is steamy. Joey: Oh yeah, that’s just a little something for my huge gay fan base. Ross: Did you just wink at me? Joey: Hey, you’re the one that loves the picture. End Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Rachel: Hi! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: So what’s the final head count on my baby shower? Phoebe: About twenty, a couple people from work who had something else to do. Monica: Also both of your sisters called and neither can make it. Rachel: What?! You mean they’re not coming to a social event where there’s no men and there’s no booze?! That’s shocking! I don’t care, as long as my mom’s here. Monica: Oh my God, your mother! Rachel: What?! My mom’s not gonna be here?! Monica: Well, given that we forgot to invite her it would be an awfully big coincidence if she was. Rachel: My God! Monica: Well it wasn’t my fault, Phoebe was in charge of the invitations! Phoebe: Well I don’t, I don’t have a mother so often I forget that other people… Monica: Oh give it a rest! Rachel: So my mother is not coming to my baby shower?! Phoebe: No. Neither is mine. Monica: Okay, y’know what? Don’t worry, okay? We’ll take care of it. We’ll call her. Just go home and get ready. Rachel: Please, make sure she comes. It’s really important to me, I mean it’s my mom! Phoebe: I know. I know, what’s her number? Rachel: I don’t know. Monica: Go! I have it in my book. Go! Wait a minute! If you’re in charge of the invitations why am I the one who has to call her—Hello Mrs. Green! Hi, it’s Monica Geller. Mrs. Green: Oh, hello Monica. Monica: Hi, umm I know this is last minute, but we’ve decided to throw an impromptu baby shower for Rachel today. Mrs. Green: I know, my daughter’s told me about it when they received their impromptu invitations a month ago. Monica: Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m-I’m so sorry. Mrs. Green: For what dear? For not inviting me or lying about it? Monica: Please! Please! Can you come? It’s today at four. Mrs. Green: Well all right. I’ll see you at four. Monica: Thank you. Phoebe: Isn’t it at three? Monica: Son of a bitch! Opening Credits Chandler: Hey Joe! You wanna shoot some hoops? Joey: Oh no, I can’t go. I’m practicing; I got an audition to be the host of a new game show. Ross: Oh cool! Chandler: That’s great. Joey: Yeah-yeah, and if I get it by day I’ll Joey Trrrribbiani! Chandler: You’ll be perfect for this! That’s already your name! Joey: But the audition’s in a couple hours and I don’t even understand the game. Ross: Well do you want some help? Joey: Oh really? That’d be great! You guys can be the contestants! Ross: Awesome! Chandler: Okay, I guess we can lose to junior high girls some other time. Joey: All right! Let’s play Bamboozled! Chandler: Bamboozled? Joey: Yeah, isn’t that a cool name? Ross: Yeah! Chandler: No! Joey: All right. Uhh, okay. Our first contestant is Ross Geller. Why don’t you tell us a little something about you Ross? Ross: Well uh, I-I’m a paleontologist. Umm, I-I live in New York. I have a son Ben. Uh, hi Ben! And uh… Joey: I said a little bit Ross. Now, how about you Chandler? Chandler: Well Joey, I’m a headhunter. I hook up out of work Soviet scientists with rogue third-world nations. Hi Rasputin! Joey: Excellent! Let’s play Bamboozled! Chandler, you’ll go first. What is the capital of Columbia? Chandler: Bogota. Joey: It’s Ba-go-ta, but close enough. Now, you can either pass your turn to Ross or pick a Wicked Wango card. Chandler: What does a Wicked Wango card do? Joey: I should know that. Let’s see, just one moment please. Umm, here we are, a Wicked Wango card determines whether you go higher or lower. Chandler: Higher or lower than what? Joey: This is embarrassing. Chandler: Can you believe how lame this is? Ross: I’m sorry, I don’t believe contestants are allowed to talk to each other. Phoebe: Oh, I told the stripper to be here at five. That’s good right? Monica: You ordered a stripper for the shower?! That is totally inappropriate! Phoebe: What? He’s gonna be dressed as a baby! Oh hi Mrs. Green! Monica: Hi! Phoebe: I’m so glad you could make it. Monica: Yes, thank you so much. And again, we’re so sorry. We could not feel worse about it. Mrs. Green: Try. There’s my little girl. Monica: She’s still mad. Phoebe: Yeah I know. Isn’t it great? One less person we have to make small talk with. Monica: Phoebe, Sandra’s mad at you too. It-it doesn’t bother you? Phoebe: No look, we’ve apologized twice! I can’t do anymore than that. I know you hate it when people are mad at you but you just have to be okay with it. Monica: Okay. I can do that. I gotta go powder my ass. Mrs. Green: Look at that face! Just like when you were in high school! If I didn’t know better I’d say you were a cheerleader in trouble. Come on, let’s get some tea. Rachel: Okay. Mrs. Green: Oh my look at that. Only three weeks to go, now have you picked your nanny yet? Now I don’t want you to use your housekeeper ‘cause it would just split her focus. Rachel: Oh well actually gonna use a nanny and uh, I don’t even have a housekeeper. Mrs. Green: It’s like you’re a cave person. Rachel, you must get a nanny. You don’t know how overwhelming this is going to be. I mean when you were a baby I had full time help, I had Mrs. Kay. Rachel: Mrs. Kay! Oh yeah, she was sweet. She taught me Spanish. I actually think I remember some of it, tu madre es loca. Mrs. Green: Such a sweet woman. Rachel: Well, however great she was I just can’t afford that. Mrs. Green: Oh Rachel! Rachel: What? Mrs. Green: I just had the greatest idea! I’m gonna come live with you! Rachel: Wh-wh-what? What? Mrs. Green: Oh, I’m so happy I’m gonna do this for my little girl. Aw, look at you. You have tears in your eyes. Rachel: Yes. Yes I do. Joey: All right Ross you’re in the lead, would you like to take another question or spin the Wheel of Mayhem? Ross: The wheel has not been my friend tonight Joey. Uh, I’ll take another question. Joey: Okay, this is gonna be tough. Hold your breath. Ross: It’s okay, I’m ready. Joey: No dude, you gotta hold your breath until you’re ready to answer the question. Chandler: This is ridiculous, he’s not gonna hold his breath… Joey: Okay, what do you have a fear of if you suffer from this phobia, Tris…Holy cow, that’s a big word. Trisc… Seriously look at this thing. Chandler, how do you say that? Chandler: Let me see that. Joey: This one right here. Chandler: Triscadecaphobia. Ross: The fear of Triscuts! Joey: No! No, fear of the number 13. Chandler: Fear of Triscuts? Ross: It’s possible, they have really sharp edges. Joey: All right Chandler, you’re up. Ross: Wait a minute, I-I believe I’m entitled to use my Angel Pass for a free turn? Chandler: This game makes no sense! Ross: Y’know what? You’re just upset because you’re losing. Chandler: Oh come on Ross, I think we’re all losers here. Joey: All right. Chandler, you can either spin the wheel or pick a Google card. Chandler: Let me think. Let me think—Oh! I don’t care. Joey: You-you must choose Mr. Bing. Chandler: Either, it makes no difference. Joey: Choose, you jackass! Chandler: I’ll take a card. Joey: Okay, you picked the Gimmie card! You get all of Ross’s points! Ross: What?! Chandler: This game is kinda fun. Ross: You don’t think it’s a little crazy that you get all my points just ‘cause you… Chandler: I don’t think the contestants are supposed to speak to each other. Rachel: Why did you invite my mother?! Monica: What? Rachel: She wants to move in with me and Ross to help take care of the baby. Phoebe: For how long? Rachel: Eight weeks. I mean I love my mother, but my God, a long lunch with her is taxing. Monica: I personally would be honored if she wanted to live with me. Phoebe: She can’t hear you. Rachel: What? You guys, come on! What am I going to do? Phoebe: Well, if you don’t want your mother to move in with you, just tell her. Rachel: You’re right. You’re right. I mean I’m about to have a baby, I can tell my mother that I don’t want her to just be sleeping on my couch! Oh my God! She’s gonna want to sleep in my bed with me. This cannot happen! Monica: That’s right. That is right, you go over there and tell her you don’t want her to live with you. Do not take no for an answer! Rachel: Okay. Monica: This is great! Now she’s gonna be mad at Rachel! Y’know what? And I’m just gonna swoop in there and be like the daughter she never had. Phoebe: I have new respect for Chandler. All right everybody! It’s time to open the presents! Monica: Yes! Yes! And I think that the first gift that Rachel opens should be from the grandmother of the baby, because you’re the most important person in this room. And in the world! Mrs. Green: Well uh, I don’t have a gift because I wasn’t invited until the last minute, but thank you so much for bringing that to everyone’s attention. Phoebe: How about you less important people, let’s open your presents! Rachel: Mom that’s okay that you didn’t get you a gift! Mrs. Green: Well, I kinda did. Me. Eight weeks of me. Rachel: Oh yeah. Okay, see mom, the truth is I can do this on my own. Mrs. Green: Sweetheart I know you’re gonna be terrific mom, I just think you need a little help, especially at the beginning. Rachel: But mom, I really know what I’m doing. I can handle this. Mrs. Green: Really? Remember Twinkles? Rachel: He was a hamster! I am not going to vacuum up my baby! Phoebe: Okay, come on Rach it’s present time! Y’know you’re the glue that’s holding this whole party together. It’s kinda falling apart here. Mrs. Green: Oh look. Rachel: Wow! Phoebe: Okay, this is from your friend at work. Rachel: Oh my gosh! Oh wow! Oh, I know what this is! Wait a minute. That can’t be right. Is that a beer bong for a baby? Mrs. Green: Darling, that’s a breast pump! Rachel: Did I say I was done guessing? Okay, thank you for that. Oh wow! What’s this? Woman: It’s a diaper genie. Rachel: Oh, it dispenses clean diapers! Woman: No! It’s where you put the dirty ones! Rachel: Well that’s gross, why don’t you just take it outside and throw it in a dumpster? Mrs. Green: Oh you’re gonna do that ten times a day? Rachel: What?! It goes ten times a day! What are we feeding this baby?! Indian food?! Mrs. Green: No dear, that’s what babies do. Monica: Rachel, listen to your mother. She is very smart. Mrs. Green: Plus, what are you planning on doing with the baby while you’re trotting out to the garbage ten times a day? Rachel: I don’t know, I’d leave it on the changing table? What?! What’d I do? What’d I do?! Mrs. Green: You can’t leave a baby alone! Rachel: Oh come——Of course I know that. I mean of course you never leave a baby alone! I mean who would—she wouldn’t be safe as she would be with me, the baby dummy. Oh God, okay. Y’know what? I think opening the presents right now is a little overwhelming right now. So I think umm, I’m just gonna maybe open them a little bit later, but thank you all for coming. And for these beautiful gifts, and this basket is beautiful. Woman: It’s actually a bassinet. Rachel: Okay mommy, don’t ever leave me. Commercial Break Joey: In what John Houston film would you hear this line, "Badges? We don’t need no stinkin’ badges!" Chandler: Treasure of the Sierra Madre! Joey: Correct! There’s a possible backwards bonus! Chandler: Madre Sierra the of Treasure! Joey: Yes! Chandler: I’d like to go up the ladder of chance to the golden mud hut please. Joey: Wise choice, how many rungs? Chandler: Six! Joey: That noise can only me one thing. Chandler: Hungry monkey. Ross: I’d like a Wicked Wango card! Joey: Okay, it’s an audio question, name this television theme song. Ross: Oh! Oh my God! Okay, I know this, give me-give me a second! Chandler: Tell it to the Time Turtle! Ross: Shut up! I Dream of Genie! Joey: Yes! Yes, you’re back in the lead! Ross: I’d like to spin the wheel! Chandler: Oh come on!! Joey: All right! All right! Uh, umm, Super-Speedy Speed round! Ross: Is there a hopping bonus? Joey: Of course! Joey: Who invented bifocals? Ross: Ben Franklin. Joey: Correct! Which monarch has ruled Great Britain the longest? Ross: Queen Victoria. Joey: Correct again! But, you forgot to switch legs between questions, so no hopping bonus! Ross: Noooo!!! Every time!!! Joey: Now, over to Chandler. Chandler: I’d like a Google Card. Joey: Are you sure? Chandler: Yes! Google! Joey: Oh my God! Congratulations Ross, because Chandler, you’ve been Bamboozled! Chandler: Nooo!! Ross: Yeah!! Chandler: This is the best game ever!!! Rachel: So umm, you’re gonna stay with me as long as I need you? Mrs. Green: Of course I am! Rachel: Oh mom, I swear I’m not an idiot. I’ve read all kinds of books on pregnancy and giving birth, but I-I just didn’t think to read the part about what to do when the baby comes. And-and then guess what? The baby’s coming and I don’t know what to do. Oh, can I throw up in my diaper genie? Mrs. Green: No. Sweetie, you’re gonna be fine. Rachel: Wait-wait where are you going? Where are you going? Mrs. Green: I’m going to the bathroom. Rachel: Okay. Mrs. Green: Now don’t worry! Everything’s gonna be okay. Monica: It is going to be okay! It was worth a shot. Ross: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Why are you all red and sweaty? Ross: I just Bamboozled Chandler! Which is not uh sexual thing. That was a quick shower. Phoebe: Not if you were here. Ross: Wow! It looks like we got a lot of good stuff. Rachel: Oh we did, but my mom got us the greatest gift of all. Ross: A Play-Dough Barber Shop? Rachel: No. She’s going to live with us for eight weeks. Ross: Uh, what? Rachel: Yes! She’s gonna help us take care of the baby! Woo-hoo. Ross: What—You’re not serious. I mean she’s a very nice woman, but there is no way we can take eight weeks of her. She’ll drive us totally crazy. Mrs. Green: Hi Ross! Ross: Hi roomie! Man: Hey Joey, hi! I’m Ray; I’m the producer of the show. Joey: It’s a pleasure to meet you Ray. Ray: And this is Duncan and Erin, they’re gonna help us out with the audition. So uh, let’s get the camera rolling. Joey: Rightie-O Ray! Ray: Whenever you’re ready. Joey: Hello, I’m Joey Tribbiani! Let’s play Bamboozled! Erin, you get the first question! In hockey, who is known as The Great One? Erin: Wayne Gretzky. Joey: Correct! Now, would you like to pick a Wicked Wango card or spin the Wheel of Mayhem? Ray: Uh Joey, didn’t your agents give you the revised rules? We’ve eliminated all of that. No wheel, no cards. Joey: What—Why?! Ray: Uh well, the game was too complicated and research showed people didn’t follow it. Joey: Well what’s complicated? You spin the Wheel of Mayhem to go up the Ladder of Chance. You go past the Mud Hut through the Rainbow Ring to get to the Golden Monkey; you yank his tail and boom! You’re in Paradise Pond! Ray: Yeah all that’s gone. It’s basically just a simple question and answer game now. Joey: Well what’s fun about that? You expect me to be the host of a boring game that’s just people standing around answering questions? Ray: Well, there’ll be women in bikinis holding up the scores. Joey: Let’s play Bamboozled! Mrs. Green: …and all those dinosaur nick-knacks you have Ross, I thought they might be more at home in the garage. Ross: Well we…we don’t have a garage. Mrs. Green: Did I say garage? I meant garbage. Ross: Y’know what? Maybe, Mrs. Green, it’s not absolutely vital that you live with us. Mrs. Green: Well Rachel needs help with the baby. Rachel: I do. I really do. I don’t know anything. Ross: I’m-I’m sure that’s not true. Rachel: Oh no? Pheebs? Monica? Do I know anything about babies? Phoebe: No, not a thing. Monica: It’s frightening. Ross: Well uh, y’know what? Even if she doesn’t know anything, I do! I have a son. And his mother and I didn’t live together, and whenever he was with me I took care of him all the time, by myself. Mrs. Green: That’s true. You do have another child. Ross: Yeah. Mrs. Green: With another woman. Have you no control Ross? Ross: That’s a different issue. Uh, the point is, when the baby comes I will be there to…to feed her and bathe her and change her. And more than that I want to do all those things. Mrs. Green: Well then you really don’t need me to live with you. Ross: Yes! Yes, you’re gonna be so missed. Mrs. Green: You’re gonna be a great father. Ross: Well you’re gonna be a wonderful grandma. Rachel: Hello?! I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing! Ross: Oh, come on, every first time mother feels that way. You’ll—you’re gonna pick it up. Hey! You will! Uh look, y’know when you first came to the city? You were this spoiled helpless little girl who-who still used daddy’s credit card. Do you remember? Rachel: I hope you’re going somewhere with this. Ross: Look at you! What—You’re-you’re this big executive! You are much more capable than you give yourself credit for. I-I have no doubt you’re gonna be an incredible mother. Rachel: Really? Ross: I’m telling you. Rachel: Thank you. Mrs. Green: All right you two, I’m gonna get going. Ross: Oh. Mrs. Green: Oh no-no-no-no sweetheart, you stay put. I’ll let myself out. It’s like I’m not here, which I almost wasn’t. Monica: What do I do? Phoebe: Nothing! You have apologized to her like a million times and she’s been nothing but terrible to you. And don’t forget you just threw her daughter a lovely, albeit slightly boring, shower, and she hasn’t even thanked you for it. Monica: Y’know what? You’re-you’re right. Phoebe: Yeah I mean if you want to say anything to her, I’d tell her off. Monica: Really? Phoebe: Uh-huh! Monica: Okay! I will! Mrs. Green? Mrs. Green! It is rude to leave a party without saying good-bye to the host! Yeah, and-and also when someone apologizes to you the decent thing to do is to accept it! Now what I did to you, it wasn’t on purpose! But what you’re during to me now is just plain spiteful! Mrs. Green: Spiteful?! Monica: That’s right! Maybe it’s time you took a good hard look at a mirror young lady…old lady…lady! Phoebe: Wrap it up, wrap it up, wrap it up… Monica: So whenever you’re ready to apologize to me, I will forgive you. Good day! I can’t feel my legs! Phoebe: You were fantastic! I’m so proud of you! Monica: Yeah? I’m proud of me too. Phoebe: You should be! Monica: Yeah could-could-could you get me something to drink? Phoebe: You got it! Monica: Okay. Okay, I bit my tongue, but I’m still really sorry! Closing Credits Rachel: Okay! I’m ready. Ross: You sure? Rachel: Yes, I’ve done my studying and I really know my stuff. Ross: All right then. How do you test the temperature of the baby’s bath water? Rachel: Uh, put your elbow in it. Ross: Excellent! How do you put a baby down for a nap? Rachel: Full, dry, on its back, and no loose covers. Ross: That’s correct! This is an audio question, what do you do when the baby makes this sound? Rachel: Check if it’s wet, check if it’s hungry, burp it! Ross: Excellent! Excellent, now-now do you want another question or a Wicked Wango card? Rachel: A card! A card! I pick a card! Ross: Oh, I’m sorry you’ve been Bamboozled! You’re gonna be a terrible mother! End Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones Story by: Dana Klein Borkow Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Ross: Hey you guys I got some bad news. Phoebe: Well that’s no way to sell newspapers. Why don’t you try, "Extra! Extra! Read all about it!" Ross: No, Monica’s restaurant got a horrible review in the Post. Joey: Man, this is bad! And I’ve had my share of bad reviews. I still remember my first good one though. "Everything else in this production of Our Town was simply terrible. Joey Tribbiani was abysmal." Monica: Hey! Chandler: Hey. Monica: Oh my God! Look at all the newspapers! It must be a good review! Is it great?! Ross: Umm… Monica: Oh dear God! Ross: But the good news is, no one in a two-block radius will ever know. Monica: What about the rest of Manhattan?! Ross: Yeah, they all know. Monica: Oh my God, this is horrible! Chandler: I’m so sorry. Monica: I’m so humiliated! Rachel: Yeah but y’know what they say Mon, "There’s no such thing as bad press." Monica: You don’t think that umm, "The chef’s Mahi Mahi was awful awful," is bad press? Rachel: I didn’t write it. Monica: Is he right? Am I really—Am I awful? All: No! Joey: Yeah! Yeah Monica! You listen to me, okay? And I’m not just saying this because I’m your friend, I’m sayin’ it ‘cause it’s the truth. You’re food is abysmal! Opening Credits Rachel: Ross! Ross: What?! What? Rachel: I am freaking out! Ross: Are ya? Rachel: My due date is in one week! Ross: What are you doing up? Rachel: That is seven days! Ross: Okay look, I had a lot of water before I went to bed. Can we do this after… Rachel: No-no-no-no-no Ross! Please, come on we do not have any of the big stuff we need! We do not a changing table! We do not have a crib! We do not have a diaper service! Ross: It’s funny you should mention diapers. Rachel: I’m serious. Ross: Okay look, there’s nothing to worry about. We have plenty of time. There’s a great baby furniture store on west 10th. Tomorrow, we will go there and we will get you everything that you need. Okay? Rachel: Okay. Thank you. That’s great. Thank you. Wait-wait! Where on west 10th? Because there’s this really cute shoe store that has like this little… Ross: Rachel: Oh, wait Ross! I’m sorry, one more thing! Ross: Yeah! Rachel: Umm, our situation. Y’know umm, what we mean to each other. And I mean we-we’re having this baby together, and we live together. Isn’t that, isn’t that weird? Ross: Well uh… Rachel: I’m just kidding! You can go pee! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is cooking as Chandler looks on. Joey: Hey uh Monica, I can’t remember. Did we say we were gonna meet here or at the movies? Monica: We said at the movies, but… Joey: Okay, I’ll see you there. Monica: Joey! Now that you’re here… Joey: Sure, I can hang out ‘til I have to meet ya. What uh—How come you’re not going? Chandler: I have a job interview I have to get ready for. Joey: I thought you already have a job. Chandler: And people say you don’t pay attention. No, this is a much better job. It’s vice-president of a company that does data reconfiguration and statistical factoring for other companies. Joey: Wow! How do you know how to do that?! Chandler: That’s what I do now. Monica: Hey Joey, come taste this. Joey: What is it? Monica: Remember that guy that gave me a bad review? Well… I’m getting my revenge! Joey: You cooked him? Monica: No. He teaches a course on food criticism at the New School, so before we go to the movies I wanna go by there and make him try my bouillabaisse again. Oh, I cannot wait to read the front page of the Post tomorrow! "Restaurant reviewer admits: I was wrong about Monica." Chandler: The front page? You really do live in your own little world, don’t ya? Cashier: Do you uh, want these things delivered Mr. and Mrs. Geller? Rachel: Oh. Ross: Oh. Rachel: No-no-no! No, no, no, we’re not married. Ross: We are having a baby together, but we’re not involved. Or, yes stranger, we’d like this delivered please. Cashier: Why don’t you fill out this address card. Ross: Oh, okay. Cashier: I notice you picked out a lot of our dinosaur items. Rachel: Oh yeah! Actually, that’s one of the reasons why we’re not a couple. Ross: I chose those, I’m a paleontologist. Cashier: Really?! That is so cool! Rachel: Oh. Oh yeah, don’t get to worked up over it. I mean it-it sounds like he’s a doctor, but he’s not. Cashier: Oh no-no, I’m fascinated by paleontology. Have you read the new Walter Alvarez book? Ross: Yeah! I-I teach it in my class. Rachel: Oh my God! I’m standing at a cash register, holding a credit card, and I’m bored. Cashier: Oh, I love your neighborhood. There’s a great gym right around the corner from your building. Ross: That’s my gym. Cashier: I can tell you work out. Ross: I am like Indiana Jones. Rachel: Hi Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey! Oh, how did baby shopping go? Rachel: Oh, it was great! We got everything that we needed! Oh and Ross, almost got something that wasn’t on the list. A whore. Phoebe: What?! Rachel: Well, we were paying for our stuff and this saleswoman just started flirting with him. Phoebe: Well did she know you two weren’t married? Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: Oh my God! Well the idea of a woman flirting with a-with a single man, we-we must alert the church elders! Rachel: You don’t understand! You didn’t see how brazen she was. Phoebe: Sounds like you’re a little jealous. Rachel: No! I’m not! I-I-I just think it’s wrong! It’s-it’s that I’m—Here I am about to pop and he’s out picking up some shop girl at Sluts ‘R’ Us! Phoebe: Is that a real place? Are they hiring? Chandler: Fatty! Phoebe: Hey Chandler, why so fancy? Chandler: Well, I got a job interview. It’s kinda a big deal too. Its a lot more money and I’d be doing data reconfiguration and statistical factoring. Phoebe: Wait, I think I know someone who does that. Chandler: Me! I do that. So… Seriously, do I look okay? I’m little nervous. Rachel: Oh yeah! You really—You look great. Phoebe: Yeah, just don’t get your hopes up. Chandler: Why not? Phoebe: Well, the interview… Chandler: What about it? Phoebe: Y’know! You don’t make a very good first impression. Chandler: What?! Phoebe: Oh you don’t know. Chandler: Are you serious?! Phoebe: Yes, when I first met you, you were like, "Blah, blah, blah." I was like, shhh! Chandler: What is it that I do? Phoebe: Well it’s just like you’re trying too hard. Always making jokes, y’know, you just—You come off a little needy. Chandler: Did you like me when we first met? Rachel: Chandler, I’m not gonna lie to ya, but I am gonna run away from you. Monica: Hi! Umm, I’m Monica Geller, I’m the chef at Alessandro’s. The Food Critic: Still? Monica: I think the things that you said about me are really unfair, and I would like for you to give my bouillabaisse another chance. The Food Critic: I don’t see any reason why I would do that to myself again. Joey: Either eat it, or be in it. Monica: Spoon? So, what do you think? The Food Critic: I’m torn, between my integrity and my desire to avoid a beating. But I must be honest, your soap is abysmal. Joey: Thata girl! Huh? We should get out of here; there’s a new class comin’ in. The Cooking Teacher: Welcome to introduction to cooking. Now, before we start, can anyone tell me the difference between a hollandaise sauce and a bearnaise sauce? Monica: I can. The Cooking Teacher: Okay, go ahead. Monica: Well umm, they both have a egg yolk and butter base, but a bearnaise has shallots, shirvel, and most importantly tarragon. The Cooking Teacher: That’s very good, what’s your name? Monica: Monica. The Cooking Teacher: Monica, you go to the head of the class. Monica: Okay. Rachel: All this stuff takes up a lot of room. Hey how uh, how serious are you about keeping Ben in your life? Ross: My son? Pretty serious. What uh, what are you doing here? Katie: Well, the delivery went out to you and I realized they forgot this. Ross: Ah, must’ve been fairly obvious since it was the only thing left in your store. Katie: Listen, to be honest, home deliveries are really a part of my job description. Ross: Oh. Katie: Oh uh…I actually came here to ask you out. Ross: Oh! Wow! Uh, yeah! That sounds great. I’m just gonna put this back in my pocket, pretend that didn’t happen. Uh yeah, actually I’m free now. Do you wanna grab some coffee or… Katie: Sure! Rachel: Horny bitch. No! You’re a horny bitch! Noooo! You’re the horny bitch! No! You’re a horny bitch! Commercial Break Rachel: So you guys go, have a really good time. Ross: Rachel: So, you had a good day huh? Big commission; picked up a daddy. Katie: Are you okay with this? Rachel: Oh yeah! Yeah please, you guys have fun. Katie: Okay. It was nice to see you. Rachel: Oh and it was great to see you too. And you look fantastic, although you missed a button. Katie: Oh umm, actually I umm… Rachel: Oh okay, I see what you’re doing there. Chandler: I can’t even believe this! I really come off that badly? Phoebe: Oh! It’s okay, you calm down after a while and then people can see how really sweet and wonderful you really are. Chandler: Oh good. Good, because I’m sure this interview is gonna last a couple of weeks. Phoebe: All right, don’t freak out! Okay? I-I will help you. How long before you have to leave? Chandler: An hour. Phoebe: I can’t help you. Chandler: Phoebe! Phoebe: All right, all right, we’ll just do our best. Okay? So let’s say I’m the interviewer and I’m meeting you for the first time. Okay. "Hi! Come on in, I’m uh, Regina Philange." Chandler: Chandler Bing. Phoebe: Bing, what an unusual name. Chandler: Well you should meet my uncle, Bada. I’ll let myself out. Joey: Hi. The Cooking Teacher: Your Fettuccini Alfredo looks a little dry, did you use all your cheese? Joey: When you say used, do you mean eat as a pre-cooking snack? The Cooking Teacher: And the cream? Joey: Cheese makes me thirsty. The Cooking Teacher: Okay. Let’s move on. Joey: All right. The Cooking Teacher: Oh my God! This is absolutely amazing! You’ve never made this before? Monica: Oh no! I don’t know anything about cooking. I had to ask someone what it’s called when the, when the water makes those little bubbles. The Cooking Teacher: Well, hats off to the chef. Monica: I-I-I’m sorry, your-your mouth was full, I didn’t hear what you said. Umm, hats off to who now? The Cooking Teacher: The chef! Monica: That’s right. Chandler: …I think you’ll find if I come to work here, I don’t micro-manage. I don’t shy away from delegating. Phoebe: Um-hmm, that’s good to know. But let’s stop focusing on what you don’t do, and start focusing on what you do do. Chandler: What I do do…is manage to uh, create an atmosphere of support for the people working with me. Phoebe: I see. Nice sidestep on the do do thing by the way. Chandler: Hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Phoebe: You gotta go! Chandler: Oh! Phoebe: Okay, don’t worry. You’re ready. Chandler: Really? Phoebe: Absolutely! Just fight all your natural instincts and you’ll be great. Chandler: Okay. The Cooking Teacher: Ah Monica, my star student. Monica: Y’know, you called me that before so I-I took the liberty of fashioning a star out of aluminum foil. Now, no pressure, you like my cookies, you give me the star. The Cooking Teacher: Monica: Wow! A star! I know you all hate me and-and I’m sorry, but I don’t care. The Cooking Teacher: Okay Joey, you’re up next. This are good! This is amazing! You get an A! Joey: I can an A? In-in school? Hey, I’m a dork. Monica: Joey! I’m so proud of you! The Cooking Teacher: I think you should give him your star. Monica: Excuse me? He doesn’t even know what he’s doing! The Cooking Teacher: We’re all beginners here. Nobody knows what they’re doing. Monica: I do! I’m a professional chef! Oh relax! It’s not a courtroom drama! The Cooking Teacher: If you’re a professional chef, what are you doing taking Introduction to Cooking? Joey: Yeah! Monica: I’m-I’m sorry, it’s just that umm… Well I-I cook at this restaurant, Alessandro’s, and umm I just got a really bad review… The Cooking Teacher: Oh Alessandro’s! I love that place! Monica: You do? The Cooking Teacher: Oh yes! You’re an excellent chef! As a person you’re a little… Monica: Oh, I’m totally crazy, but you-you like the food? The Cooking Teacher: Very much. Monica: Okay then, I don’t stink. I’m a good chef. Okay. Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I don’t want to go. I’m having fun. The Cooking Teacher: Well actually, did either of you pay for this class? Joey: Hey-hey-hey, if my friend says it’s time to go, it’s time to go. Chandler: …also I was the point person on my company’s transition from the KL-5 to GR-6 system. The Interviewer: You must’ve had your hands full. Chandler: That I did. That I did. The Interviewer: So let’s talk a little bit about your duties. Chandler: All right. The Interviewer: Now you’ll be heading a whole division, so you’ll have a lot of duties. Chandler: I see. The Interviewer: But there’ll be perhaps 30 people under you so you can dump a certain amount on them. Chandler: Good to know. The Interviewer: We can go into detail… Chandler: No don’t I beg of you! The Interviewer: All right then, we’ll have a definite answer for you on Monday, but I think I can say with some confidence, you’ll fit in well here. Chandler: Really?! The Interviewer: Absolutely. You can relax; you did great. Chandler: Yeah I gotta say thank you, I was really nervous. Y’know I’ve been told I come on to strong, make to many jokes, and then it was really hard to sidestep that duty thing. The Interviewer: Poo? Chandler: Oh my God this doesn’t count! Okay? The interview was over, that was the real Chandler Bing in there, this is just some crazy guy out in the hall! Call security! There’s a crazy guy out in the hall! The Interviewer: Poo?! Chandler: I’ll look forward to your call. Ross: Hey. Rachel: Hi! You’re back from your date! Ross: How are you? Rachel: I’m fine, but that’s not important. What’s important is how was she? Ross: Uhh, it was fun. We, we just had coffee. Rachel: Oh uh-huh, uh-huh, coffee, a little rub-rub-rub under the table. Ross: What’s uh, what’s going on? Do you not, do you not like Katie? Rachel: No! No, she’s—She was nice. I mean, she’s a little slutty, but who isn’t? Ross: I liked her. Rachel: Of course you did Ross, you would date a gorilla if it called you Indiana Jones! Ross: Did you get like a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones today?! Rachel: No! It’s just that, Kate bothered me. Ross: Why? What was wrong with her? Rachel: There was nothing wrong with her! All right? She was perfectly lovely! Ross: Okay, so what’s the matter? Rachel: I don’t want you to date her! Ross: Why? What, what are you jealous? Rachel: Yes! And not because I want you to go out with me, but because I don’t want you to go out with anybody! Okay? I know it’s a terrible thing to even think this, and it’s completely inappropriate, but I want you to be at my constant beck and call 24 hours a day! I’m very sorry, but that is just the way that I feel. Ross: Okay. Rachel: What?! Ross: I won’t date. I’ll uh, I’ll be here, with you, all the time. Rachel: Really? But I’m being so unreasonable. Ross: True, but you’re allowed to be unreasonable. You’re having our baby. Rachel: Ross: Do you feel better? Rachel: No, not really. You’re pressing the baby into my bladder and now I have to pee. Sorry. Ross: Uh Rach? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Just one thing umm… Rachel: Uh-huh. Ross: We live together. You’re having our baby. I’m not gonna see anybody else. Are you-are you sure you don’t want something more? Rachel: Wow! I don’t know, maybe. I’m… Ross: Oh-oh, Rach! I was just messin’ around! Like you did last night when I had to pee? Rachel: I knew that! I knew that! I was just messin’ with you too! Ross: Okay. Okay. Because for a minute you said you… Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no, no! Ross: …that you actually… Rachel: No that’s just——That’s just ‘cause I’m such a good messer! Ross: Rach? Rachel: Yeah? Ross: The bathroom? Rachel: Right! Closing Credits Joey: Well I had a great time! Learned how to bake, ate great food, that’s the first A I’ve gotten since seventh grade, and I didn’t have to sleep with the teacher this time. Monica: Oh, look! Acting for Beginners! Want to feel good about yourself? Joey: What the hell! Monica: Okay. The Acting Teacher: All right, let’s start with some basics. Can anybody tell me what the difference between upstage and downstage is? Joey: Yeah, this was a stupid idea. End Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Ross: Hey! What are you guys looking at? Joey: Oh, it’s a poster for that World War I movie that I’m in, check it out. Ross: Yeah? Wow! It looks really violent! Joey: Uh-huh! I know. I’m coming soon to a theater near you! I’m in THX! I’m unsuitable for children! Ross: Now I cannot wait to see this. Joey: Yeah, yeah, it’s already generating Oscar buzz. Phoebe: I started that! Joey: I thought I did! Oh hey guess what? The premiere is next week and you’re all invited! Monica: Are we gonna take a limo? Joey: Sure! Why not?! Monica: Oh I love taking limos when nobody died! Rachel: Well obviously I won’t be able to come, for those of you who haven’t checked their calendars today is my due date. Well y’know, I just want to take a moment and thank you guys for how great you’ve been during this time. I really couldn’t have done it without you. And I have loved these last nine months! And even though I am so looking forward to the next part, I am really gonna miss being pregnant. Rachel: That’s right, still no baby! Come on people! Please make some room! Ross: Uh sweetie, maybe you’d be more comfortable here? Rachel: You. Like you haven’t done enough. Ross: Look, I-I know how miserable you are, I wish there was something I can do. I mean I wish I were a seahorse. Rachel: God. I have never been so uncomfortable in my entire life! Phoebe: Oh I know, I’ve been there. I remember toward the end… Rachel: Oh God, get out! Get out!! Get out!! Get out!! Chandler: Let’s. Opening Credits Chandler: Hey! Did you have the baby yet? Rachel: Do you want me to come over there and sit on you? ‘Cause I’ll do it. Monica: What are you doing here so early? Rachel: They sent me home from work. They were like, "Start your maternity leave now! Just rest, get ready for the baby." Well y’know what? Screw ‘em! If they don’t want me there, I’ll just hang out with you guys. Phoebe: Or you can do volunteer work. Joey: Hello? Estelle: Joey! It’s Estelle! Great news, I was able to get you and one guest tickets to your premiere. Joey: One guest? You told me I can have six tickets! Estelle: Well, I sold four of them on Ebay. You’ll be sitting next to HotGuy372. Joey: Oh my God. So that’s it?! I only get to bring one guest? Estelle: Yeah, what time do you wanna pick me up? Hello? Joey: Did you hear that? I only get one extra ticket to my premiere. So some how I have to pick between you three and Ross. Rachel: What-what about me? Joey: You said you didn’t want to go. Rachel: I don’t. But I would still like to be acknowledged. What? Just because I’m pregnant you think I’m invisible. Joey: Definitely not invisible. Monica: Well, well Ross didn’t care enough to be here, so I think he’s out. You snooze you lose. Chandler: He’s not snoozing, he’s teaching a class. Monica: Well then somebody’s snoozing. Joey, not that this uh should affect you at all, but if you were to pick me, I was planning on wearing a sequined dress, cut down to here. Chandler: I haven’t seen this dress. Monica: Star in a movie. Phoebe: Joey, you pick who ever you want. Okay? You just listen to your heart. What does it tell you? Phoebe, Phoebe. Joey: Well uh…I think I want to take Chandler. Phoebe: Chandler: You really want to take me? Joey: Yeah! Yeah! I mean I’m sorry, I wish I can take everybody, but y’know Chandler always supported my career. He’s paid for acting classes and head shots and stuff and well this will be my way of paying you back. Chandler: So you’re never actually going to pay me back? Monica: Wait a minute, just because he paid for your head shots you’re gonna take him? Joey, I don’t think you’re comprehending just how slutty this dress is! Joey: It’s not just the stuff he paid for, I mean it’s-it’s everything. Y’know? He read lines with me. He-he went with me on auditions when I was really nervous, and then he consoled me after I didn’t get parts that I really wanted. You always believed in me man. Even, even when I didn’t believe in myself. Chandler: I always knew you were gonna make it. I’m so proud of you. Joey: Thanks. That means a lot to me. Phoebe: Mon, maybe one of these guys wants to wear your dress. Joey: Chandler: Rachel: Oh, I have to pee. If I don’t come out in five minutes it’s because I’ve choked to death on the potpourri stink. Phoebe: When she comes out, you hold her nose, I’ll blow in her mouth, and the kid will just right out of her. Monica: She’s over a week late! She gotta have it today, right? Phoebe: I don’t know. I-I think it’s still gonna be a while. Monica: Hmm, care to make it interesting? I’ll bet you that she’ll have it by this time tomorrow. Phoebe: You’re on! Monica: Okay, how much? Phoebe: One hundred thousand dollars! Monica: How about fifty bucks? Phoebe: Fine! I’ll call Zurich and move some money around. Rachel: All right, who’s turn is it to help me get up! Phoebe: No one’s here! Oh damnit! Chandler: This is so exciting! It’s so glamorous! People taking our picture. How do I look? Joey: A little tall. Chandler: What? Joey: Do you mind crouching down a little bit, so that I look taller? Chandler: It’s just so glamorous. Phoebe: Oh hey Mon? Rach is here! Ohh, you’re still pregnant. Oh, I’m sorry. I know how uncomfortable you are. Y’know what? You look great. Yeah, like fifty bucks. Rachel: Oh, I have to go pee. Apparently this baby thinks that my bladder is a squeeze toy. Monica: Damnit! Damnit!! Here’s your fifty bucks! Phoebe: It’s interesting that you lost. Now, I forget, do you like to lose? Monica: Now stop it! Double or nothing that she has it by tomorrow! Phoebe: Fine! You’re on! Monica: Okay. Phoebe: Until then, General Grant, why don’t you set up camp right there. Ross: Hey is Rachel here? We have a doctor’s appointment. Monica: She’s in the bathroom. Ross: Rach, we gotta go. Rachel: In a minute!!! Ross: People ask me why we’re not together, I just don’t know what to tell them. Rachel: All right, all right. Let’s go! Ross: Uh, do you wanna go change first? The doctor’s keeping the office open late for us, but if you hurry… Rachel: No, I’m fine. Ross: Really? You don’t think that’s a little inappropriate. Phoebe: Good God man don’t anger it. Rachel: Ross, it is 100 degrees outside. For the first time in weeks, I am somewhat comfortable. Ross: Fine! Fine! Y’know what? Whatever you want. Okay? You’re the mommy. Rachel: Oh uh-uh pal! Don’t call me mommy! It’s bad enough you call your own mother that. Monica: I’m actually with her on this one. Joey: "I thought I knew who the enemy was, but it was you all along." Joey: Rachel: Ross. Ross: Yeah? Rachel: Can I ask you something? Ross: Uh-huh. Rachel: When Carol was pregnant with Ben… Ross: Mmm? Rachel: …were you this irritating? Ross: Wow! Rachel: Excuse me?! Ross: Oh nothing. Nothing! Just uh, you’ve been a little short with me lately. I’m not trying to irritate you. Rachel: Well then you just must have a natural talent for it. Ross: Y’know what? The doctor will be in soon, why don’t we not speak until then. Rachel: Seriously, breathe louder Ross! That’s great! Ross: Y’know we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that’s half human and half pure evil! Rachel: Hi Dr. Long, how are you? Ross: Oh, you’re nice to her. Rachel: She has the drugs! Dr. Long: We’ll do a quick check. Rachel: Okay. Dr. Long: So, eight days late huh? Rachel: Yeah. Dr. Long: You must be a little uncomfortable. Rachel: Eh, just a tad. Dr. Long: You’re about 80 percent effaced, so you’re on your way. It still could last a little while longer. If you’re anxious there are a few ways to help things along. Ross: Do them!! Dr. Long: Actually, they’re things you can do. Just some home remedies, but in my experience I’ve found that some of them are quite effective. Rachel: Well, we are ready to try anything. Dr. Long: Okay, there’s an herbal tea you can drink. Rachel: Okay. Dr. Long: You can take some caster oil, there’s eating spicy foods… Rachel: Great! We will do all of those. Dr. Long: …taking a long walk, and then there’s the one that’s proved most effective: sex. Ross: You’ve got to be kidding me! Commercial Break Chandler: Good job Joe! Well done! Top notch! Joey: You liked it? You really liked it? Chandler: Oh-ho-ho, yeah! Joey: Which part exactly? Chandler: The whole thing! Can we go? Joey: Oh no-no-no, give me some specifics. Chandler: I love the specifics, the specifics were the best part! Joey: Hey, what about the scene with the kangaroo? Did-did you like that part? Chandler: I was surprised to see a kangaroo in a World War I epic. Joey: You fell asleep!! There was no kangaroo! They didn’t take any of my suggestions! That’s for coming buddy. I’ll see you later. Chandler: Don’t go! I’m sorry. I’m so sorry! Or, call an ambulance. Monica: Hey! Ross: Hey. Rachel: Hi! Monica: What did the doctor say? Any news on when the baby will come? Rachel: No. But she did give us some ideas on how to induce labor. Ross: Yeah, we tried them all. We went for a walk, uh we tried a special tea, caster oil, spicy food nothing has worked. Rachel: Well, there is one thing that we haven’t tried, but someone thinks that, "That will open up a can of worms." Monica: Well what is it? What is it? If it’s gonna help bring the baby here, like today. I mean, I think you should do it. Ross: It’s sex. Monica: Do it! Ross: Monica! Monica: I’m just saying it’s been a really long time for you. I mean, women have needs. Do it, get yours! Phoebe: Oh I-I don’t know about that. No, I think that if the two of you had sex the-the-the repercussions would be catastrophic. Monica: All right, let’s be practical, if Ross isn’t willing to do it, he’s not the only guy in the world you can have sex with. You can borrow Chandler—Chandler is good! Ross: Monica, what is the matter with you? Monica: Nothing. I just want the baby to be born today. Rachel: Why? Why today? Monica: Okay fine! I keep betting Phoebe that you’re gonna have the baby and I don’t want to lose again! Ross: What?! While she’s been going through this hell, you’ve been making money?! You’re betting on your friend staying in this misery?! Rachel: I’ll take that bet. Ross: What?! Rachel: Well, I’m miserable here! I might as well make some money out it! Ross: Can I get some of that action? Monica: Wait a minute! Now I’m betting against all three of you? Rachel: Oh honey, don’t worry. I really do feel like tomorrow’s the day. Monica: Oh, okay! Joey: Hey! Sleeping beauty! Chandler: Where have you been?! I tried to call you! I want to talk to you! I still feel so bad! Joey: Oh no, were you upset? Did you lose sleep? Chandler: I’m so sorry. Joey: Uh-huh look, the only reason I can over here was to settle things between us! Okay? You’ve done a lot for me and my career, I wanted to pay you back so I took you to the premiere but you missed it! Okay, so how much do I owe you? Chandler: What?! Joey: Give me a number, I don’t want to owe you anything! Chandler: You don’t owe me anything, I don’t want you money… Joey: Ah-ah-ah! We’re doing this! Okay, now you got me my first set of head shots. Right, how much were those? Chandler: I don’t know, five hundred dollars? Joey: Okay, five hundred dollars. What else? Chandler: Well then there was the second set, the infamous booger head shots. Joey: Okay, so that’s another five hundred. Five hundred and five hundred, that’s… Chandler: Do you want a calculator? Joey: Please! Chandler: Here! Joey: All right, what else? Chandler: Well uh, there was acting classes, stage combat classes, tap classes… Joey: Which we’re still keeping under our hats! Chandler: Uh then there was that dialect coach who helped you with that play where you needed a southern accent. Which after twenty hours of lessons still came out Jamaican. Joey: What the hell are you talking about, "The south will rise again man." Chandler: Yes, money well spent! Joey: Yeah. Okay, what else? Rent! Chandler: Okay, two, three years of rent, utilities, food… Joey: Okay. Okay, so I’m writing you a check for…So you fell asleep during my movie. Big deal right? How do you clear this thing? Ross: Come on, finish your enchilada. Rachel: Ross I—We tried all the spicy food. It’s not working. Ross: Okay here, have one of these peppers. Oh ha… Oh God! So…so hot! By the way, you don’t want to touch the pepper and then touch your eye. Rachel: I am feeling nothing. Speaking of hot, watching you do that really makes me want to have sex with you. Ross: Stop it. Rachel: Oh come on Ross, why are we wasting our time with this other stuff?! We know what’s gonna work! It’s doctor recommended! Ross: I’m sorry, but we have to have some boundaries! My God, I’m dying. Rachel: Oh come on Ross, we’ve done it before we’ll do it again, it’ll be a nice way to bookend the pregnancy. Ross: This is insane, I’m not gonna make love to you just so that you’ll go into labor. Rachel: Make love? What are you a girl? Ross: Always a great way to get in a man’s pants. Rachel: But you will, you will be performing a service. Okay? Just-just think of me as a ketchup bottle, y’know you sometimes you have to bang on the end of it just to get something to come out. Ross: I love when you talk dirty to me. Rachel: Oh, I know it. You’re right. That’s not sexy. Oh…Oh! Oh God! Ross: Okay enough! This is, this is not going to happen. Rachel: Come on Ross! I’m miserable here! Come on! You started this, now you finish it! Come on wuss, make love to me. Ross: Y’know what? Rachel: What?! Ross: Forget it. Rachel: Oh wow! What now Ross you’re not gonna talk? How on earth will you ever annoy me? Oh wait a minute, I know. What are you doing?! Ross: I’m getting that baby out of you! Rachel: Oh God! Ross: Oh, I know. Rachel: Oh no. No-no! I think my water just broke. Ross: I am good. Okay! Okay! Uh, I got the pillow! I got the bag! You got the keys? Rachel: Okay! I got the keys! Okay! Okay! Ross: Hey! Rachel: Yeah. Ross: We’re having a baby. Rachel: I didn’t uh, really have time to read this part of the books, but do you think we have time to… Ross: Not so much. Rachel: Okay. Closing Credits Monica: Two hundred. Phoebe: Thank you! Monica: That’s it. I’m done. I don’t care when the baby comes, no more betting. Phoebe: Okay. Monica: Hello? I guess we can bet one more time. Phoebe: Is Rachel having the baby? Monica: How did you know that?! Joey! Chandler!! It’s time! Phoebe: They’re at the coffeehouse. Monica: You know everything!! Oh wait, double or nothing. I bet you the baby is over seven pounds. I bet you it’s a girl. Phoebe: We know it’s a girl! Monica: I’ll give you really good odds. End Part I Written by: Scott Silveri Part II Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman Parts I & II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Ross: All right! Yes!! From home to the hospital in under seven minutes! We did it!! Rachel: Yes, the hard part is truly over. Ross: No, but come on, we’re off to a great start aren’t we? I knew I’d get you here fast, but this has got to be some kind of a record! Phoebe: Oh you made it! Rachel: Hi! Monica: How are you doing? Ross: Wait a minute! How-how the hell did you beat us here? Monica: We took a cab. Did you guys walk? Ross: N… No! We took a cab too, but I did test runs! Chandler: Hi! Joey: Hey! You made it! Ross: Okay is there…some kind of magic tunnel to this hospital?! Rachel: Ross, you stay here and talk, I’m gonna go have a baby. Ross: Okay. Okay. Umm hi, this is Rachel Green. I’m Ross Geller. We-we called from the car. Nurse: Right! We have a semi-private labor room waiting for you. So in just a minute… Rachel: , we asked for a private room. Nurse: Yes, I see that here. Unfortunately we can’t guarantee a private room and currently they’re all unavailable. Chandler: Man, if only you’d gotten here sooner. Nurse: I’m sorry. Semi-private rooms are all we have. Rachel: Okay. Just give us a second. Ross! Ross: Yeah? Rachel: Give her some money. Ross: I really think they’re out of rooms. Rachel: They’re not!! Ross, they’re just saving them for the important people!! Okay?! What-what if I was the president?! Ross: Well then we’d be in a lot of trouble, you don’t know where any countries are. opened up? Nurse: This is a hospital. Rachel: Oh gosh! Whoa! Ross: What-what? Rachel: Ow! Ow! Contraction. Nurse: Would you like to see a semi-private room? Rachel: Yeah, it couldn’t hurt to look. Opening Credits Dr. Long: Well you’re only two centimeters dilated and we need to get to ten. It’ll be a while. Rachel: Oh, okay. Dr. Long: I’ll be back in an hour to check you again. Ross: Thank you. Rachel: Thank you. Well, I guess we have some time to kill. Ross: Yeah, guess so. Whew! Check these out! Never done this before. Rachel: Yeah well it looks great! Man: Thank you very much. Woman: Thanks. Ross: Hi! Hi, I’m uh Ross. I’m here to ruin this magical day for you. Man: Oh no-no, not at all. Woman: Don’t worry about it. Man: Marc Coreger, this is my wife Julie. Ross: Hi Julie. Julie: Hi. Ross: This is Rachel. Rachel: Hi! Marc: Oh hi Rachel. Rachel: How are you? Julie: Hi. Is this your first? Rachel: Yeah it is. Julie: Well, little Jamie here is our third. So, if you have questions or you need anything at all, just holler. Rachel: That’s so sweet. Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Oh. Ross: Umm say, I-I opened this earlier but let me give you guys some privacy. Marc: No nonsense! We’re all in this together. Julie: Yeah, we are going to share every moment of this with you. And I think we’re gonna have some fun. Marc: Yeah. Ross: Oh, okay. Marc: Hey! Smile! Rachel: Oh no, I really don’t want any——Oh! Thank you. Oh. Oh Ross… Ross: What? Rachel: Here comes another contraction. Ross: Oh. Okay, just breathe. Julie: Oh honey, I think I’m having one too! Marc: Look at this! There we go! Phoebe: Oh wow, three hours and still no baby. Ugh, the miracle of birth sure is a snooze fest. Monica: Hey, you wanna see something? Phoebe: Sure! What? Monica: Umm, this is going to be fun. Watch me freak out Chandler. Honey? Chandler: Yeah? Monica: Listen uh, I-I’ve been doing some thinking, and I don’t know whether it’s because we’re here or Rachel’s giving birth but umm, I think we should try to have a baby. Chandler: Okay. Monica: What-what-what’s that now?! Chandler: Okay. I’ve been thinking about it too, and I, I think we’re ready. Monica: What?! Are you kidding me?! You-you-you think we’re ready to have a baby now?! Phoebe: Oh, this is fun. Joey: You’re ready to have a baby? My boy’s all grown up! Chandler: But you said you were ready too. Monica: Yeah but I was just screwing with you to try to get your voice all high and weird like mine is now! Chandler: Yes, but haven’t you wanted a kid like forever? Monica: Okay, just back off mister! Whoa. ‘Cause I am ready to have a baby. I just want Joey to be the father. Joey: What?! Are you crazy?! Monica: That’s it! Right there! Is all I wanted! Marc: I am so sorry. The doctor insisted on closing the curtain for the exam. Rachel: Oh, that’s very—Really very-very okay. Marc: Julie’s cervix is dilated a seven centimeters, that’s about four fingers. The doctor let me feel it myself. Julie: Have you felt Rachel’s cervix Ross? Rachel: No, I don’t think we’ll be doing that. Ross: We’re not gonna do that. Julie: Well, if you like you can feel Rachel’s and then feel mine to compare. Mrs. Geller: Am I interrupting? Ross: Uh yes! Thank you. Rachel: Oh. Oh wait no. Ross: Later. Rachel: No-no-don’t! Don’t leave me here with these people. Ross: Oh uh, I’m sorry. Rachel: No Ross! Ross! Ross! My child has no father! Ross: Hi! I’m so glad you’re here, but it’s gonna be a while. I-I wished you’d called first. Mrs. Geller: Oh that’s all right, I’m coming back later with your father. Ross: Oh good. Mrs. Geller: I actually needed to talk to you before the birth. Ross: Okay, what’s up? Mrs. Geller: I brought something that I want to give you, assuming of course that you want it. Ross: Ma, you’re asking me to marry you? Mrs. Geller: This is your grandmother’s engagement ring, I want you to give it to Rachel. Ross: Mom no, come on! Thank you. Mrs. Geller: Just hear me out! Ross: N-no! Okay? We’ve been through this! We’re not gonna get married just because she’s pregnant, okay? Mrs. Geller: Honestly! Ross, this isn’t just some girl you picked up in a bar and humped. A child should have a family. Ross: Mom, y’know what? I-I can’t deal with this right now. I’m sorry… Mrs. Geller: Just…think about it. If you don’t, I’ll talk more about humping. Ross: Gimmie! Rachel: Hi! Mrs. Geller: Oh hi dear! Rachel: Oh, thank you so much for coming. Ross, get in here! Ross: …she came and dragged me out of the labor room to ask me why I’m not with Rachel. Phoebe: Yeah. Why aren’t you with Rachel? Ross: Are you kidding? Look, we’re not gonna be together just because we’re having a baby. Okay? Phoebe: But y’know what? It just seems that you two belong together. Ross: Okay, stop it! I can’t deal with this right now. I have to go have a baby. Phoebe: Right. And with who again? Joey: God. He’s crazy! Why doesn’t he want to be with Rachel? Phoebe: I know! Joey: I mean seriously, she’s like the perfect woman. I mean I know she turned me down, but if she hadn’t and wanted to be with me, I would take her in my arms and… I haven’t bummed you guys out like this in a while have I? Ross: Hey. Who’s that? Rachel: New people. Ross: What happened to the Disgustingtons? Rachel: They’re having their baby! It’s not fair Ross we got here first! Right after you left they wheeled her off into delivery. Oh but not before she gave me a juicy shot of little Jamie just crowning away. Ross: Wow! Sorry. So uh, how are the new people? Rachel: Well they have uh, some unusual pet names for each other. Including umm, evil bitch and uh, sick bastard. Oh God oh! Contraction! Ross: Yeah? Okay. Rachel: Ooh! Ow!! Evil Bitch: Are you looking at her?! Sick Bastard: No! Evil Bitch: Don’t you look at her you sick bastard! Sick Bastard: Honey I swear! I wasn’t looking at her! Evil Bitch: She’s in labor! You like that you sick son of a bitch! Ross: Umm. Umm, I’m-I’m just gonna— Evil Bitch: See? See? It was because you were looking fat pervert! Ross: No-no, I’m…I’m sure no one was looking. Just want some privacy. Evil Bitch: You miss your girlfriend? Ross: Just ignore them. Rachel: Ross. Ross: What? What? Rachel: He’s looking at me. Ross: Hey! You wanna live to see your baby?! Evil Bitch: Don’t you talk to my husband like that you stupid bastard! Monica: Oh good God! If you want a baby so bad just go steal it! Monica: What is going on with you? Since when are you so crazy about babies? Chandler: I’m not crazy about babies. I’m crazy about us. Monica: What? Chandler: Look, we’ve always talked about having babies someday. I’m not saying it has to be right now, but I’m starting to think that we can handle it. We’re good. We’re really good. Monica: We are pretty good. Chandler: But nothing has to happen until your ready. Monica: Well maybe I’m ready now. I mean, it’s a little scary, but maybe it’s right. Chandler: What?! It’s not right! We’re not ready to have a kid now!! Monica: What?!! Chandler: I’m kidding. This is going to be fun. Monica: So we’re gonna try? I mean, are we trying? Chandler: We’re trying to get pregnant. Y’know I’m not really comfortable doing this in front of the babies. So, when do you want to start trying? Monica: Okay, hold on a sec. Chandler: Period math? Monica: Yeah. Chandler: Yeah. Monica: Well, we could start trying. Now. Chandler: Right here? Monica: No, not here. Maybe here. Chandler: Wait a minute, it’s perfect. We got a lot of time to kill and we’re in a building that’s full of beds! Monica: And it’s so clean!! Commercial Break Joey: Come on you stupid machine! Come on! Phoebe: Oh, it ate your money? Joey: No. Phoebe: All right, I’ll see you downstairs then. Joey: All right. Phoebe: All right. Joey: Hey I got one! I got one! Man: Hi! Phoebe: Hi. Man: Oh uh, up or down? Phoebe: Oh down please. Man: Could you press up too please? Phoebe: Sure! I feel so bad for you; I broke my leg once too. Man: Oh yeah? How’d yours happen? Phoebe: Well, it’s a long story. It’s kind of embarrassing. Let’s just say there was a typographical error with a sex manual. How about you? Man: Car accident. Phoebe: Oh. Man: Oh, let me guess some idiot on a cell phone wasn’t paying attention? Man: Yeah. Me. Hey uh, I take it you’re just visiting someone. Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah. Man: Well umm, if you have sometime y’know and maybe you might want to visit someone else… Phoebe: Oh yeah! I-I would like that. Man: I’m in the middle… Phoebe: Wait! What?! No!! Elevator!! No! Joey: Ross: The nurse said they’re bringing in another woman. Rachel: Ugh, is she pregnant yet? She doesn’t need to be; she’ll still have the baby before I do. Oh Ross, another contraction! Ross: That’s it. That’s it. Woman: Oooh, that sounded like a bad one. Rachel: Yeah it was. Woman: Mine haven’t been so bad. Oh! Here comes one now. Oh, that was a big one! Phoebe: Excuse me? Could you help me with something? The patient I’m looking for has a broken leg and is in a wheelchair. And umm, he’s like early to mid-thirties, very attractive. Nurse: I think I know who you’re talking about. Phoebe: Oh yay! Great! Okay, what room number is he in? Nurse: I’m sorry, that information is restricted to hospital staff… Joey: Dr. Drake Remoray. Nurse: Dr. Drake who? Joey: Remoray. It’s Portuguese. We need that information; I’m a doctor. Nurse: A doctor at this hospital? Joey: Damnit woman we’re losing precious time! Now do you want this man’s blood on your head? Phoebe: Hands. Joey: Hands! It is absolutely essential that you tell me what room the man my assistant described is staying in. He’s a patient of mine, I’ve been treating him for years! Nurse: He’s in room 816. Joey: 816, thank you! Phoebe: Thank you. Joey: And what is his name? Phoebe: Monica: I think we found a place. Chandler: Okay. Monica: Umm, wait! Do you want to set the mood a little? Chandler: Okay. Uh, we’ll dim the lights, dim the lights. Monica: Okay! Okay! Make me sterile, but okay. Monica: Okay. Let’s hurry—Oh wait! Do we have a condom? Chandler: Yes, 98.6. You’re gonna be fine. Phoebe: Ooh, this is it! Oh, that’s him! That’s him! Joey: Great! Go get him. Phoebe: Wait a second, or maybe you can go in first. Joey: He’s not really my type. Phoebe: No not you, Dr. Drake Remoray. You can ask him questions and see what’s he like. People tell doctors everything. Joey: But you said he was this great guy! Phoebe: But lately all the guys I meet seem really nice at first, then they turn out to be the biggest jerks. Joey: You do attract some stinkers. Rachel: Dr. Long, I’ve been at this for seventeen hours! Three women have come and gone with their babies, you gotta give me some good news! How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine? Dr. Long: Three. Ross: Just three?! I’m dilated three! Dr. Long: We are moving along, just slowly. Rachel: Hey, y’know what? I’m not waiting! I’m gonna push this baby out! I’m doing it! I mean it’s what? Three centimeters? That’s gotta be like this! Ross: Actually it’s more like this. Rachel: Oh stupid metric system! Doctor: Oh my. We’re gonna need to take you straight to the delivery room. Rachel: Oh for the love of God! Woman Giving Birth: It’s coming! It’s coming! Doctor: And here it is! Rachel: Oh come on!! Joey: Hi! I’m Dr. Drake Remoray and I have a few routine questions I need to ask you. Man: Really? I’ve been dealing with Dr. Wells. Joey: I know, but I’m a neurologist. And just to be on the safe side, Dr. Wells wanted a more comprehensive overview of you status so he sent me. Man: Dr. Wells is a woman. Joey: That was a test. Good response. All right, full name. Man: Clifford Burnett. Joey: Date of birth? Cliff: November 16th, 1968. Joey: Age? Cliff: Can’t you figure that out based on my date of birth? Joey: I’m a doctor Cliff, not a mathematician. Cliff: I’m 33. Joey: Okay. And uh, are you married. Cliff: No. Joey: Oh really? So, 33 and still single, would you say you have commitment issues? Cliff: Are all the questions this personal? Joey: Yes. Cliff: Well uh if you must know I’m a widower. Joey: Oh that’s terrible. I’m-I’m really sorry. Cliff: Yeah. Joey: Hmm. Do you sleep with women and never call them again? Cliff: No. Joey: Excellent! Excellent! And uh, finally, are you into any weird stuff y’know, sexually? Cliff: No! Joey: Oooh, wrong answer. Nurse: This room’s available. Rachel: Okay! Okay wait! You listen to me! You listen to me! Since I have been waiting four women, that’s four, one higher than the number of centimeters that I am dilated, have come and gone with their babies! I’m next! It’s my turn! It’s only fair! And if you bring in one woman and she has her baby before me I’m going to sue you! Not this hospital, I’m going to sue you! And my husband he’s a lawyer! Ross: Uh Rach… Rachel: Go get back on that case honey! Nurse: I don’t think the next patient is very far along. Rachel: Okay, well then bring her in. Woman: OH….MY….GAWD!!! Commercial Break Janice: I….can’t….believe this! Ross: And yet somehow it’s true! Janice: I mean this is so great! We’re gonna be baby buddies! Ross: Squeeze your legs together and cover the baby’s ears! Man: Hi sweetie! Janice: Hi! Hi sweetheart! This is my husband Sid, I don’t think you’ve met him. Ross, Rachel, this is Sid. I nabbed him a year ago at the dermatologist’s office. Thank God for adult acne huh? Sid: I still can’t believe it! I’m the luckiest guy in the world! Ross: Really? Sid: What’d he say? Janice: Oh y’know what? You have to speak very loudly when you’re talking to Sid, because he’s almost completely deaf. Rachel: Oh! Ross: Oh there you go! Rachel: I get it! Janice: So? Congratulations you two, I didn’t even know you got married. Rachel: Oh we-we didn’t. Ross: No-no. We… Janice: What?! Ross: Um uh…We’re-we’re just having this baby together but uh, uh that’s all. Janice: Why?!! Ross: Uh well umm…we’re just not in that place, y’know? But we’re very excited about this. Janice: Oh. Well then shut me up. Rachel: Just tell me how. Janice: Uh-oh, I feel another one coming. Ross: Sid you lucky deaf bastard. Phoebe: What else? What else? Joey: Uh, well he’s 33. Phoebe: Oh. Ah-uh. Joey: A widower. Phoebe: Oh. Joey: He seemed like a stand up guy. Oh, and he’s not into anything weird sexually. Phoebe: Enter Pheebs. Chandler: Should we tell Rachel there’s an empty private room right next door to hers? Monica: We could, or we can have sex in it. Chandler: Well let me think about that, while I remove my pants! Monica: Okay mister! Fertilize me! Monica: Does that sound like Janice? Chandler: If it’s not, then there’s two of them. And that would mean it’s the end of the world! Monica: Hey! Ross: Hey! Chandler: Hi. Rachel: Oh hi. Monica: I can’t believe this is taking so long. How are you doing? Rachel: Oh not bad. Do you know that feeling when you’re trying to blow a Saint Bernard out your ass? Chandler: Weirdest thing. Did I hear——Mother of God it’s true! Janice: Chandler Bing! Chandler: Jan-Janice! Ross: Not just Janice, Janice in labor, contracting and everything. Janice: Oh, this should be easy. I have a very wide pelvis. You remember Chandler. Chandler: Janice I didn’t even know you were pregnant! Who’s the unwitting human who’s essence you’ve stolen? Janice: It’s you. This is yours. Chandler: What?! Janice: Chandler: That’s funny. Does it-does it hurt? Does the labor hurt? Phoebe: Okay I’ve got one for you, if you had too which one would you rather eat, a seeing eye dog or a talking gorilla? Cliff: I’d have to say…the talking gorilla, because at least I can explain to him that you’re making me eat him. Phoebe: Somebody went to college. Wow. Cliff: No, I’m sorry. It’s just my foot itches like crazy. Phoebe: Oh, I’ll get it. Cliff: Wow! I usually get to know a girl a little better before I let her spoon me. Phoebe: Relax, it’s not like we’re forking. Rachel: Oh that’s five Ross. Five women have had five babies! And I have had no babies! Why doesn’t she want to come out? Ross: Y’know what I think it is? I think you’ve made such a nice home for her over the last nine months that she just doesn’t want to leave. Rachel: Oh. Look at you making up crap for me. Oh God! Dr. Long: Twenty-one hours, you’re a hero. Rachel: Doctor you gotta do something! I think you gotta give me drugs or you gotta light a fire up in there and just smoke it out. Dr. Long: Actually, I think you’re ready to go to the delivery room. Rachel: What? Dr. Long: Ten centimeters, you’re about to become a mom. Rachel: My God. Okay. Ha-ha-ha beat ya! Sucker! Cliff: Is this the same spoon that was in my cast? Phoebe: Y’know what? This one is. Cliff: Oh my God! That’s the doctor who was in my room before! Phoebe: Huh. Okay, Mr. Perkazet. Cliff: I’m telling you! The guy from that show was here in my room, asking me all these weird questions! Phoebe: Cliff, do you really believe that a character from a TV show was here in your room? Joey: Which is of no interest to me, I’m a neurologist. Cliff: That-that’s him! You know him? Phoebe: Okay. Okay. I—Okay umm…this…I-I sent my friend Joey in here to find out stuff about you. Umm y’know, if it helps you came off great. A lot better than I’m coming off right now. Cliff: I don’t believe this. You got him to pretend he was some fake doctor? Joey: Fake? Excuse me? Hello? Cliff: And then you tried to make me think that I was crazy. Phoebe: You’re right, that was wrong. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It’s just that I liked you so much. Can we just, can we just start over? Cliff: I don’t think so. Joey: Uh, if I may? Umm-umm look, Cliff, you told me a lot of personal stuff about you, right? And maybe-maybe it would if-if would help if-if you knew some personal stuff about her. Uh, she was married to a gay ice dancer. Uh, she gave birth to her brother’s triplets. Oh! Oh! Her-her twin sister used to do porn! Phoebe: Uh Joey, we’re trying to dial down the crazy. Joey: Right! Phoebe: Umm, look we don’t, we don’t really know each other so it would be really easy to just forget about this, but there seems to be something between us. And I don’t know about you but that doesn’t happen to me a lot. Cliff: It doesn’t happen to me either. Joey: Me neither. Dr. Long: Push. Push. Come on push for five seconds. 5…4… Rachel: 3-2-1 oh!! Dr. Long: Okay, the next contraction should be in about twenty seconds. Rachel: I can’t. I can’t push anymore, I can’t. Ross: Sweetie you’re doing great. Rachel: Oh God twenty seconds my ass!! Dr. Long: Here we go! Okay, keep pushing! Wait! I see something. Ross: What? You do? You do? Oh my God! Rachel: Don’t say, "Oh my God!" Oh my God what? Ross: What is that? Dr. Long: It’s the baby’s buttock, she’s breech. Ross: Oh thank God, I thought she had two heads. Rachel: Oh God. Is she gonna be okay? Dr. Long: She’s gonna be fine. Okay, she’s in a more difficult position so you’re gonna have to push even harder now. Go! Push! Ross: Go! Dr. Long: Rachel you’re gonna have to push even harder, nothing’s happening! Rachel: I’m sorry, I can’t! Ross: Yes you can! Rachel: I can’t! Ross: Hey! Hey! Come on! You can! I know you can do this! Let’s go! Rachel: I can’t. Please, you do it for me. Ross: No! Come on let’s—One more time! One final push! Ready? 1…2…3! Dr. Long: Good! Ross: Keep pushing! Rachel: Are you okay? Ross: You have no idea how much this hurts. Keep going! Keep going! Dr. Long: Here we go! Ross: Oh! Oh! She’s upside down but she’s coming! She’s coming! Rachel: Oh God! Ross: Oh! Oh my God oh! Oh my God she’s here. Ross: Oh she’s…she’s perfect. Rachel: Oh, she’s so tiny. Where’d she go? Ross: Oh it’s okay. They’re just-they’re just wrapping her up. Rachel: Okay. Well be careful with her, she’s really tiny. Dr. Long: Here she is! Rachel: Oh hey you. Thanks for coming out of me. I know. Oh. Yeah. Oh, she’s looking at me. Hi! I know you. Dr. Long: Do we have a name yet? Rachel: No, not yet. Dr. Long: That’s fine, for now we’ll just call her Baby Girl Green. Rachel: Oh no, Baby Girl Geller-Green. Rachel: Hello baby girl. Commercial Break Phoebe: Can we come in? Ross: Oh, come in. Phoebe: Hi! Joey: There she is! Phoebe: Oh, she’s so beautiful. Rachel: Here. Monica: Oh my God! She’s amazing. Oh, oh I’m so glad you guys got drunk and had sex! Chandler: It’s incredible, I mean one minute she’s inside you and then 47 hours later here she is. Joey: Y’know what I mean! She’s this whole tiny little person. She already has eyelashes and knees and…uh-oh. Rachel: What? Joey: Oh no-no, no for I second there I counted six fingers, but one was from the other hand so we’re good. Phoebe: Okay, my turn. My turn. I won’t. Monica: What’s the matter? Rachel: Oh nothing I… Sorry, I just can’t stop crying. Ross: The doctor says it’s completely normal with all the hormones. Plus, you-you’re sleep deprived. Rachel: So? You guys are all sleep deprived. I don’t see you weeping because you put your slippers on the wrong feet. Oh God. Joey: What’s the matter now? Rachel: I was reliving it. Phoebe: Ohhh. Chandler: So, do you know what you’re gonna call her yet? Phoebe: Oh, wait a minute it’s not gonna be Baby Girl? I thought that was so original! Ross: Uh actually, we-we’ve narrowed it down to two names. Rachel: Yeah, and y’know what? I love them both, so why don’t you just pick one and that’ll be it. Ross: Wow! Umm, okay uh…everyone…this…is Isabella. What? Rachel: That’s not her name! I’m sorry, she just doesn’t feel like an Isabella. Chandler: So then I guess Ferdinad is out. Joey: What was the other one Ross? Ross: Umm, Delilah. Rachel: Oh great! Suddenly she sounds like a biblical whore. Ross: So I guess we’re back to uh, Baby Girl. Phoebe: Yay! Rachel: Well what are we going to do? Monica: It’s okay honey, you’ll find a name. Ross: Ugh, easy for you to say, you already know what your kids names are going to be. Chandler: You do? Monica: Yeah, I’ve had them picked out since I was fourteen. Chandler: Oh no, it’s gonna be named after some snack or baked good isn’t it? Rachel: Well tell us! What are they? Monica: Umm, okay. If it’s a boy it’s Daniel. Rachel: And if it’s a girl? Monica: I don’t want to say. Rachel: Oh, just tell us! We’re not gonna want it! Monica: Okay. It’s Emma. Rachel: See? I don’t want it. Monica: Take it. Rachel: What? Monica: It’s clearly an Emma. Rachel: Oh honey, but you love that name. Monica: Yeah, but I love you more. Besides y’know, nothing goes with Bing. So I’m screwed. I mean… You want a cousin right now?! Chandler: That was amazing. Monica: I know. Hey, do you realize we may have just changed our lives forever? We may have just started a family. Nine months from now we can be here, having our own baby. Chandler: And if not, we got to do it on a bucket. Janice: Yoo-hoo! Aaron Litman-Neurolic would like to say hello to his future bride. Rachel: Ohhh! Wow! He kinda takes your breath away doesn’t he? Janice: He’s a keeper. How are you feeling? Rachel: Oh, I’m fine. Janice: Can I just say, I really admire what you’re doing. Just raising her all alone. Rachel: Oh, I’m not doing it alone. I have Ross. Janice: Oh, sure. Now. But what happens when he meets somebody else and gets married? Rachel: Well then he gets a divorce, it’s Ross! Janice: I’m telling you Rachel, listen to Janice. They all say they’re gonna be there until they start their real family. Rachel: Well I—That’s never gonna happen with Ross. Janice: Oh well that’s what I thought about my first husband, now I’m lucky if my kid gets to spend the weekend with her father and the twins and little Ms. New Boobs. Rachel: Really? Janice: I hate to be the one to say it, but honey you two are on your own. Rachel: Well… That’s…y’know—That’s—We’ve been alone for the last twenty minutes we’re doing okay. Besides y’know what? I-I—Maybe we won’t be alone, ‘cause lately I-I—things have been happening between me and Ross, y’know? Right before I went into labor, we-we had this kiss. Y’know? So it might be the…the beginning of something. Ross: Hey Janice! Janice: Oh hi! Ross: Who’s this little guy? Janice: Say hello to Aaron, your future son-in-law. Ross: No-no. No. Janice: I’m gonna leave the three of you alone. Ross: Okay. Janice: Bye. Ross: Man! Did you see the kid on that nose? Rachel: Uh-huh. Y’know what I was, I was thinking about? Ross: Huh? Rachel: Umm…that kiss before we left the apartment. That was some-something huh? Ross: Yeah. Yeah, it really was. But we…we gotta be careful. We…we can’t let that happen again, y’know? Rachel: Right. Ross: I mean we don’t want to go down that road do we? Rachel: No! No, of course not. No. That’s why I brought it up. They didn’t have any sodas? Ross: Oh my God! I’m sorry, I was talking to this nurse, completely forgot. Rachel: That’s all right. And so it begins. Phoebe: Is she in there? Ross: Yeah. She’s putting her down now, that’s her. Phoebe: Oh! Ross: Look at Emma! Phoebe: I just can’t decide who she looks more alike, you or Rachel? Ross: Oh what are you kidding? She’s gorgeous, it’s all Rachel. Phoebe: I’m sorry, for the last time, why aren’t you two together again? No, I know. I know, because you’re not in that place. Which would be fine, except you totally are. Ross: It’s…it’s complicated okay? Phoebe: Yeah that’s true. Yeah, you love her. You always have. You have a child together. There is no right answer. Ross: Look, we’ve been together. Okay? And then apart, and then together, and then apart, and now we have a baby. Oh that’s…now me. What do they put something in the water in this place? Since Rachel and I we’re doing really, we’re doing really well right now. Phoebe: I know. I know. I know. I know, and if you try to make it more you might wreck it. Ross: Yeah, exactly. Phoebe: Right. Or you might get everything you’ve wanted since you were fifteen. Joey: Hey. I just saw a woman breast feeding both of her twins at the same time; it is like a freak show up here. What’s the matter? Rachel: Nothing. Joey: What is it? Hey! Rachel: Really it’s nothing. I’m just… Joey: Rach come on, what? Rachel: I’ve just been thinking about how my baby and I are gonna be all alone. Joey: What are you talking about alone? What about Ross? Rachel: Oh please, he’ll be with his real family, the twins and little miss new boobs. Joey: Okay, how long was I watching that woman? Rachel: I’m just saying that y’know, someday Ross is gonna meet somebody and…he’s gonna have his own life. Right? Joey: Yeah, I guess so. Rachel: I just never thought I would raise this baby all by myself. Pretty dumb huh? Joey: Hey, listen to me, listen to me…you are never ever gonna be alone. Okay? I promise that’s not gonna happen. Rachel: Joey. Honey what would I do without you? Joey: You don’t have to worry about that okay? Rachel: Oh, hon can you grab me my other box of tissues? They’re right on that chair under Ross’s coat. Joey: Sure. Rachel: Okay. Joey: My God. Rachel: Joey. Rachel: Okay. Closing Credits {Transcriber’s Note: As with all the cliffhangers, there was no credits scene. There will be a ninth and final season of Friends starting sometime in September. See you then, have a good summer everyone.} End Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Rachel: Joey. Rachel: Okay. Rachel: So uh…I guess we should…make it official huh? Joey: Uh… Look Rach… Hey Ross is here! Hey look! It’s my good friend Ross. Hey Ross. Ross: Hey Joey. Hey you. Rachel: Hey you. Joey: Hey and look he brought flowers. Thanks Ross, but I’m really more of a candy guy. Ross: You’re weird today. Listen I uh, wanted to talk to you about something. Rachel: Uh yeah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too. Ross: Uh Joey, can you give us just a minute? Joey: No. Ross: What? Joey: Oh, I’m sorry. I meant no. Monica: Hi! Hey look who’s here! Mr. Geller: Where’s my granddaughter? I’ve been practicing my magic tricks. Chandler: He pulled a quarter out of my ear! Ross: Hey, where’s uh, where’s mom? Mr. Geller: She went to pick up Aunt Liddy. Monica: Oh, Aunt Liddy’s coming? That means we get five dollars each! Mr. Geller: So when do I get to meet Emma and show her this? Chandler: Okay. Wow. Ross: Uh Dad, Emma’s in the nursery. I’ll take you now. If you want, but I really want to talk to you. Rachel: I know, I still need to talk to you. Joey: Oh hey but, before you guys do that I need to talk to you, and Ross, I need to talk to you. Phoebe: Oh and I need to talk to you. Monica: About what? Phoebe: To see if know what these guys are talking about. Opening Credits Monica: Isn’t she beautiful? Mr. Geller: Look at her, my first grandchild. Ross: What about Ben? Mr. Geller: Well of course Ben, I meant my first granddaughter. Wow. Phoebe: Have umm, have you thought anymore about you and Rachel? Ross: Oh well yeah, actually I was going to talk to her when you guys all came in the room. Phoebe: Yay! It’s so exciting! Wow, you could’ve done that with us there. Ross: Yeah right. Phoebe: Oh sure okay, you can touch yourself in front of us but you can’t talk to Rachel. Ross: What?! When have I ever touched myself in front of you guys? Phoebe: Oh please! Just before when you were asleep in the lounge! That Armenian family was watching you instead of the TV. Oh, that reminds me. That Mr. Hasmeje still has my Gameboy. Joey: Hey Chandler, can I talk to you for a second? Chandler: Sure. Joey: Dude I just did something terrible. Chandler: That was you?! I thought it was Jack! Joey: No! No, that was Jack! Rachel thinks I asked her to marry me! Chandler: What?! Why does she think that? Joey: Because it kinda looked like I did. Chandler: Again, what?! Joey: Okay well, I was down on one knee with the ring in my hand… Chandler: As we all are at some point during the day. Joey: It wasn’t my ring! It fell out of Ross’s jacket! And when I knelt down to pick it up Rachel thought I was proposing! Chandler: Ross had a ring?! And he was gonna propose? Joey: I guess. Chandler: And you did it first?! This is gonna kill him! You know how much he loves to propose! Joey: I know! I know it’s awful. Chandler: Well, what did she say? Joey: She said yes. Chandler: Does Ross know? Joey: Oh God, what the hell am I going to tell him? Chandler: Well maybe you don’t have to tell him anything. Joey: Oh, I like that. Yeah… Chandler: If you clear things up with Rachel then Ross never needs to find out, but you have to do it now before he hears about it and kicks your ass! Joey: Monica: I want a baby. Chandler: Honey, we’ve been over this. I need to be facing the other way. Monica: Come on! Come on, if we have sex again it’ll double our chances of getting pregnant. Do you think that closet’s still available? Chandler: I’m so tired. Yeah okay, but no foreplay. Monica: Deal! Ross: Dad seriously! Y’know you really should see someone about that! Mr. Geller: Noted. Ross: I wanna go talk to Rachel for a minute, are you gonna be okay alone for a bit? Mr. Geller: Are you kidding me, I could stay and look at her forever. Ross: Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hi. Phoebe: Are you all right? Rachel: Uhh… I think I just got engaged. Phoebe: Oh my God! He did it? Rachel: Well…did you know he was gonna ask me? Phoebe: Are you kidding? I’m like the one who talked him into it. I like to think of myself as the puppet master of the group. Rachel: And you really think this is a good idea? Phoebe: I just talked him into it, don’t tell me I have to do you too. The puppet master gets tired people. Rachel: I just don’t know! It just doesn’t feel right. Phoebe: Why?! You two are so meant to be together, everybody thinks so. Rachel: Really?! Even Ross? Phoebe: Especially Ross! Joey: Ross: Wow! Kind of uh, kind of a full house here. I’ll guess just…I’ll come back. Phoebe: There he goes, your fianc�e. Rachel: I guess so. Phoebe: Although he does play with himself in his sleep. Rachel: I can’t say that I’m surprised. Ross: Dad, what are you doing? Mr. Geller: I think there are people in there having sex. Joey: It can’t be me, I’m standing right here. Mr. Geller: Wanna peek? Ross: No! Mr. Geller: Come on! Ross: Y’know what? I don’t like you without mom. Joey: Mr. Geller: Well I’m peeking. Oh my God! Chandler: Hello sir, you know Monica. Joey: Hey uh, is it okay to come in? Rachel: Of course! Oh Joey, this ring I…it’s beautiful I love it! Joey: Yeah uh look Rach, there’s something I gotta tell ya. Rachel: Hey! Nurse: Hey! Are you ready to try nursing again? Rachel: Yeah! Hi Emma. Hey, why do you think she won’t take my breast? Nurse: It’s all right honey, it takes some babies a while to get it, but don’t worry. It’ll happen. Joey: Rachel: Okay sweetie, you can do it. Just open up and put it in your mouth. Joey: Dear Lord. Rachel: I’m sorry honey, what were you saying? Joey: Oh uh-uh yeah, I think that… Rachel: Oh look, she’s pulling away again! Do you think my nipples are too big for her mouth? She looks scared. Doesn’t she look scared? Joey: Y’know, I don’t really know her. Nurse: Why don’t we try massaging the breast to stimulate the flow. Joey: Are you kidding me?! Rachel: It’s just so frustrating! Why doesn’t she want my breast?! Joey: I don’t know! Maybe she’s crazy! Phoebe: Oh hey! Wait up! Ross: Hi! Phoebe: Congratulations! I didn’t want to say anything in front of Joey ‘cause I didn’t know if he knew yet. Ross: What, that we had a baby? Come on let’s give him a little credit, although, he did eat a piece of plastic fruit earlier. Phoebe: No! No, that you and Rachel are engaged! Ross: What? Phoebe: Oh, it’s a secret. Oh goodie! Yes! We haven’t done the secret thing in a long time. Ross: Phoebe, there is no secret. Okay? I didn’t propose. Phoebe: Are you lying? Is this like that time you tried to convince us that you were a doctor? Ross: I am a doctor! Y’know what? I’m just gonna go and talk to Rachel myself. Phoebe: All right, me too. Should we wake her up? Ross: No! No, come on let her sleep! She’s so exhausted. Phoebe: And so engaged. Ross: What? Oh my God! She-she thinks we’re engaged! Why? Why? Why would she think we’re engaged?! Phoebe: Perhaps because you gave her an engagement ring? Y’know Ross doctors are supposed to be smart. Ross: I didn’t give her that ring! Phoebe: Really? Ross: No! Phoebe: So whose ring is it? Ross: It’s mine. Phoebe: Is it an engagement ring? Ross: Yes! Phoebe: But you didn’t give it to her? Ross: No! Phoebe: But you were going to propose? Ross: No!! Phoebe: Huh, I might be losing interest in this. Ross: Look. Look, my mom gave me that ring because she wanted me to propose to Rachel, but all I wanted to do is if she maybe…kinda…wanted ah…start…things up again. Phoebe: Oh, what beautiful lukewarm sentiment. Ross: Look, I didn’t want to rush into anything. And it seemed like she didn’t want to either. But I don’t, I don’t understand how any of this happened! What? Did she find the ring in my jacket, assume that I was going to propose, throw it on, and-and just start telling people? Phoebe: No! No, she said you actually proposed to her. Ross: Well I didn’t! I didn’t propose! Did I? I haven’t slept in forty hours and…it does sound like something I would do. Commercial Break Chandler: Look, we can’t stay in here forever. Monica: Oh, I still can’t believe my dad saw us having sex! He didn’t make it to one of piano recitals, but this he sees! Chandler: This is okay. We’re all adults here; there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Now, let’s put our underwear in our pockets and walk out the door. Monica: Hi Dad! I can still call you that right? Mr. Geller: Of course. I’ll always be your dad. Chandler: I just want you to know that what you witnessed in there, that wasn’t for fun. Monica: It wasn’t fun?! Chandler: Look, I just don’t want you to think that we’re animals who do it whenever we want. Mr. Geller: Oh, I don’t think that. Before today I never thought of you two having sex at all. It was a simpler time. Monica: The truth is, Dad, we’re-we’re trying. Mr. Geller: What? Monica: Yeah, we’re trying to get pregnant. Mr. Geller: Oh my God! This is so exciting! Well, get back in there! I’ll guard the door! Monica: Well, that’s okay dad, we-we can wait until later. Mr. Geller: Whoa-whoa-whoa! I don’t think so! Aren’t you ovulating? Monica: Daddy?! Mr. Geller: Well you gotta get at it princess! When your mother and I were trying to conceive you, whenever she was ovulating, bam, we did it. That’s how I got my bad hip. Chandler: That’s funny, this conversation’s how I got the bullet hole in my head. Mr. Geller: This one time I had my knee up on the sink and your mother, she was… Monica: Daddy! I don’t think we need to hear about the specific positions you and mom had sex. Mr. Geller: You’re right, you’re right. This is about your positions. Now, what I saw in the closet is not the optimum position for conceiving a child, although it might feel good. Monica: I don’t feel good right now. Mr. Geller: But pleasure is important, and it helps if the woman has an orgasm. You up to the task sailor? Chandler: Seriously sir, my brains? All over the wall. Monica: Hey. Rachel: Hey. I need to tell you something. Monica: Well, now’s a good time. I’m on my way to have my ears cut off. Rachel: Joey asked me marry him. Monica: What? Rachel: Joey proposed to me. Monica: Is he crazy?! You just had Ross’s baby! Rachel: Well, I-I said yes. Monica: What?! Are you crazy? You just had Ross’s baby! It’s-it’s so inappropriate. No, it’s worse than that. It’s wrong. It’s… It is bigger than mine! Rachel: I know. Days of Our Lives, thank you very much. Monica: You can’t marry him! Rachel: Why not? I don’t want to do this alone! And he’s such a sweet guy and he loves me so much. Monica: Well do you love him? Rachel: Sure. Monica: Sure? Rachel: Yeah, I mean whatever. Monica: Honey, the question is…do you really want to marry Joey? Rachel: No. No, I don’t. Could you be a dear and go tell him? Chandler: You still haven’t told Rachel you weren’t really proposing? Joey: No! She had the ring on, she seemed so excited, and then she took her breast out. Chandler: Joey, you have to tell her what’s going on! And what did it look like?! Joey: I didn’t look at it. Stupid baby’s head was blocking most of it. Chandler: Go and tell Rachel right now before Ross finds out. Joey: Look, it’s not that easy. She said she wanted to marry me. I don’t want to hurt her. Chandler: Okay, look, just do it gently. Joey: You’re right. You’re right. I-I’ll go tell her now before Ross finds out and I’ll be gentle. I can do that. I am a gentle person. Oh, by the way. Two people screwing in there if you want to check that out. Ross: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Ross: Listen, I um… I heard about the engagement. Rachel: Surprised? Ross: And confused. Rach, sweetie, I-I um…I didn’t propose to you. Rachel: I know. Ross: I don’t think you do. Rachel: You didn’t propose to me. Joey did. Ross: Poor baby, you’re so tired. Rach, I didn’t propose to you, Joey didn’t propose to you, and Chandler didn’t propose to you. Rachel: Uh… You didn’t propose to me, Chandler didn’t propose to me, but Joey did. Ross: Joey proposed to you? Joey: I can come back. Ross: Hey, wait! Wait-wait-wait! Joey, did you propose to her? Joey: No. Rachel: Yes you did! Joey: Actually, technically, I didn’t. Rachel: Well then why did you give me a ring? Ross: Wait! Whoa-whoa, you…you gave her the ring? Joey: No! No, and I did not ask her to marry me! Rachel: Yes, you did! Joey: No, I didn’t! Rachel: Yes, you did! Joey: No, I didn’t! Rachel: Yes, you did! And don’t you say, "No, I didn’t!" Joey: Ahhh! Rachel: He was right there. He got down on one knee and proposed. Ross: Whoa! You were down on one knee? Joey: Yeah. Yeah, that looks bad. But I didn’t…I didn’t propose! Ross: Then what did happen? Rachel: Yeah, what did happen? Joey: Okay, the ring fell on the floor and I went down to pick it up and you thought I was proposing. Rachel: Yeah, but you said, "Will you marry me?" Joey: No, I didn’t! Rachel: Yes, you did! Joey: No, I didn’t! Rachel: Yes, you did—Oh my God you didn’t! Well then why didn’t you tell me that before?! Joey: Well I tried, but people kept coming in and then you took your breast out! Ross: Whoa! Hey! Whoa-whoa-whoa, you saw her breast?! Joey: I’ll tell you about it later. Be cool. Rachel: Well then Joey, what the hell were you doing with an engagement ring?! Joey: It wasn’t my ring! It’s Ross’s ring! That’s why I felt so bad Rach, because he was going to propose. Ross: What?! Rachel: You were gonna propose to me? Ross: Uhh… No. Joey: Well, this is awkward. {See? I told you so.} Ross: But I-I was going to see if y’know, maybe you uh, start dating again but that—I mean that-that was all, Rach. Joey: Dude, step up! I proposed. Ross: No, you didn’t! Joey: Oh that’s right. There’s a lot going on here and I think I ate some bad fruit earlier. Nurse: Hey, she just woke up! She’s hungry. Why don’t we give this another try? Rachel: Okay. Ross: I can’t believe you told her I was going to propose! Joey: I can’t believe you’re not going to propose! Ross: Hey, I’m not going to rush into anything! Joey: Oh yeah, dude, I totally understand. Usually after I have a baby with a woman I like to slow things down! Rachel: Oh my God! Ross: What? Rachel: She’s doing it Look, she’s breast-feeding look! Joey: Ah, it’s beautiful. Nurse: I’ll come back for her later. Rachel: Okay. Ross: Thank you. Rachel: Oh wow, this feels weird. Ross: Good weird? Rachel: Wonderful weird. Joey: Y’know what you guys? I’m uh, I’m gonna go too. And uh, I’m sorry about everything. Rachel: Honey don’t worry, it was my mistake. Joey: No, Rach, I should’ve told you sooner. It’s just that…Man! That kid is going to town! Rachel: She’s perfect. Ross: We’re so lucky. Rachel: We really are. Ross: Look, I-I know it’s not a proposal and I don’t know where you are, but with everything that’s been going on and with Emma and…I’ve been feeling… Rachel: I know. I know. I’ve feeling… Ross: Yeah? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Okay, well, that… Wow, okay, well, umm…then maybe, at least we can, we can talk about us again. Rachel: Yeah, maybe. Ross: Well good, okay. I-I, kind of think y’know if we…if… You’re wearing the ring. Rachel: Wh-what’s that? Ross: And you told Phoebe you were engaged. Rachel: I’m sorry, what? Ross: When you thought Joey proposed did…did you say yes? Closing Credits Mr. Geller: Kids, I spoke to a doctor and picked up this pamphlets on how to get pregnant. Monica: Hey dad! Chandler: Hey. Mr. Geller: Thank you. End Written by: Dana Klein Borkow Transcribed by: Eric Aasen Ross: You said you’d marry Joey? Rachel: Okay you have to realize, I was exhausted, I was emotional, I would have said yes to anybody. Like that time you and I got married! I’m not helping. Ross: So you said yes to him, and you just had our baby? Rachel: That is right and traditionally the daddy is supposed to give the mummy a present but I am prepared to let that go. Ross: So when I came in here to see if you wanted to maybe start things up again, you were engaged to my best friend. Rachel: Well—Really? I thought Chandler was your best friend. Ross: Well, Chandler’s my oldest friend, but Joey’s my—No! Ah! Rachel: Ooooo! Joey: Hey you guys I’m gonna take off. I just wanted to let you guys know, say goodbye. Ross: Rachel said she’d marry you?! Joey: Opening Credits Monica: Ok, I don’t wanna be negative so I’ll say that most of the signs you bought are good. Phoebe: No they ran out of "It’s a girl" but I can fix this one, See? Monica: Honey. Chandler: Yea yea. Monica: Honey why don’t you go lie down. Chandler: No, no, Ross and Rachel will be back soon and then I gotta go to the office Am I producing them? Joey: Why’re you so tired? Chandler: Couldn’t sleep last night you know, then I started worrying about this big divisional meeting that I have later today, the more I worried about it the more I couldn’t sleep.  Y’know? I was like, if I fall asleep now I’ll get six hours sleep, but if I fall asleep now I’ll get five hours sleep. Not matter what I did I couldn’t fall asleep. Joey: You know what you should’ve done, you should have told yourself that little story. Rachel: Hi! Everyone: Hi, welcome home! Monica: Phoebe did the signs! Rachel: Oh you guys thanks for doing this. Phoebe: Look at all the stuff people sent! Rachel: Oh Ah! Oh you guys I love it. Joey: Hey so where’s Ross? Rachel: He’s downstairs getting the rest of the stuff out of the cab. Joey: Is he still mad at us? Rachel: Well, you more then me, but he can’t stay to mad at me. I mean, I just had his baby. Joey: That’s not fair! I can’t do that. Rachel: Yeah, I’m not so sure you should be here when he comes up. Joey: See this is what I was afraid of, I didn’t think I should be here either but somebody said he’d be over it by now. Chandler: Hey, what do I know? I wanted to get a bigger gorilla. Ms. McKenna: The numbers we are seeing New York, Chicago, and London are consistently solid, but many of our officers have reported disappointing fields. Ms. McKenna: Boston is down, Atlanta is down, Houston is down, I could go on and on but instead of boring you I’ll go straight to my forty two point plan. Chandler: Walter . Phoebe: She’s just so cute! I just wanna bite her ear off and use it and a sucking candy. Monica: Phoebe! But I could take one of those little feet and put it in a pita pocket. Ross: Okay I put most of the stuff away. Rachel: Oh great, the pacifiers? Ross: In the closet. Rachel: The burping clogs? Ross: Linen closet. Rachel: The diapers? Ross: In the hospital. Phoebe: Wow you guys got a hospital?  Fancy! Ross: No I left the diapers at the hospital! There’s some in the bag but I’ll run out and get some more. Rachel: Alright thanks, oh Ross could you stop by the coffee house and get me a muffin? Ross: Sure what kind? Rachel: Umm let me think...What do I want, what d-o I w-a-n-t... Ross: Please take your time, it’s an important decision. Not like, say, I know! deciding to marry someone, this is about a muffin. Rachel: Blueberry. Ross: Blueberry it is. Rachel: Thanks. Monica: Wow, he’s really not letting this go, is he? Rachel: God how long do you think that’s gonna last? Phoebe: I dunno, well he got over the "We were on a break" thing really quickly. Rachel: Y’know I can’t even worry about that right now, cause I got the cutie little baby, oh I can’t believe how much I love her, I can’t get enough of her, like right now I miss her.  I actually miss her. Phoebe: You know that’s… that’s her. Rachel: Oh god look at her sleeping.  Oh, I love her so much!  Oh, I think I’m gonna wake her up. Phoebe: Oh no, Rach, no no, you know you’re never supposed to wake a sleeping baby. Rachel: Well I can do whatever I want!  I made her! Come on little girl, hi! Phoebe: I can say I told you so but she’s kinda doing that for me. Rachel: Oh I’m sorry mummy’s so sorry go back to sleep go back to sleep. Shh.   Shhh! Go back to sleep Monica: Breaks your heart doesn’t it Phoebe: It really does… how long do you think we have to stay? Ms. McKenna: Ok if everyone’s on board, it’s settled, Chandler, Chandler? Chandler: Yep. Ms. McKenna: Are you on board? Chandler: Yes. Ms. McKenna: Then, problem solved. Chandler will be running our office in Tulsa. You’re gonna love Oklahoma. Phoebe: Well, alright, we already tried feeding her, changing her, burping her, oh try this one! Go back in time and listen to Phoebe! Monica: Alright here’s something, it says to try holding the baby close to your body and then swing her rapidly from side to side. Rachel: Ok. Monica: It worked! Rachel: Oh Oh come on, what am I gonna do, its been hours and it won’t stop crying. Monica: Umm, she Rach, not it, she. Rachel: Yeah, I’m not so sure. Monica: Oh my god, I am losing my mind. Phoebe: Yeah, no kidding, this just proves no good can come from having sex with Ross! Ross: Hey Gunther, can I get a couple of blueberry muffins to go? Gunther: Diapers huh? Ross: Yep. Gunther: So I guess Rachel had you baby? Ross: Yep, can you believe it? Gunther: Nope!  I still can’t believe she slept with you in the first place. Ross: Huh? Ooh you mean like a… Huh? Joey: Ross, I know you’re pissed at me, but we have to talk about this. Ross: Ah actually we don’t. Joey:  Fine, fine okay.  But I gotta say technically, I didn’t even do anything wrong. Ross: You didn’t do anything wrong?! Joey: I said I didn’t technically. Ross: Okay let’s put aside that you "accidentally" proposed to Rachel. Joey: Look, can I just stop you right there for a second? When people do this You were saying? Ross: And I can even understand that you couldn’t tell Rachel, but why couldn’t you tell me, huh? You had all day to and you didn’t. Joey: I know I should’ve. "I’m sorry." Ross: Not using it right, Joe. Ross: I’m gonna go. Joey: No, come on Ross! Look, Ross, we have to get past this. Ross: Give me the bag. Joey: No, look, I don’t know what else to do. I said I’m sorry! Ross: Joey! Joey: You should scream at me, or-or-or curse me, or hit me. Ross: I’m not gonna hit you. Joey: Why not?  You’ll feel better!  I’ll feel better, and you know you want to. I can see it in your eyes. Ross: No I don’t. Joey: A little bit. Ross: No. Joey: Little bit. Ross: No! Joey: A little bit more. Ross: Give me the bag. Joey: No, hit me Ross: Give me the bag. Joey: Hit me. Ross: Joey, give me the bag. Joey: Hit me! Ross: Joe I’m not kidding… Joey: Hit me, hit me. Ross: No! Joey: Hit me! Hit me! Ross: You ducked!! Joey: I’m sorry! It was a reflex! Ross: Oh my god, this really hurts!!! Joey: I couldn’t help it! When a fist comes at your face, you duck! Look! Ross: What is the matter with you?!? Joey: You were supposed to duck!!! Why didn’t you duck? Ross: Why don’t we talk about this on the way to the hospital? Joey: Good, good yeah, "Oops." Commercial Break Monica: Try feeding her again. Rachel: I already fed her. Monica: I know, that’s why I said again! Phoebe: Alright you guys, we can’t turn on each other, Okay?  That’s just what she wants. Chandler: Hey. Monica: Hey. Chandler: Monica can I talk to you outside for a minute? Rachel: Oh no, you guys, just stay here, I’m gonna go check her diaper, Pheebs you wanna come? Phoebe: Oh I’m kinda part of this. Chandler: Actually Pheebs its more of a husband and wife kinda thing Phoebe: I knew I should have married Chandler. Monica: Okay what’s up Chandler: Umm, you know how we always said that it would be fun to move to Paris for a year? You know, you could study French cooking and I could write and we could take a picnic along the Seine and go wine tasting in Bordeaux? Monica: Oh yeah . Chandler: Okay, you know how that people say that Tulsa is the Paris of Oklahoma? Monica: What? Who says that? Chandler: People who’ve never ever been to Paris. Monica: What’s going on? Chandler: We’re moving to Tulsa! Monica: Excuse me? Chandler: Okay, Ms. McKenna, she kind of works above my boss, she asked me to move to Tulsa and be the president of our office there, and I was sleeping and apparently, said yes. Monica: Tulsa, Oklahoma! Chandler: The Sooner State, whatever that is. Monica: Chandler, I don’t even wanna see the musical Oklahoma! Chandler: Really? Oh What A Beautiful Morning!  Surrey With A Fringe On Top. Monica: Are you trying to tell me that we’re moving to Oklahoma, or that you’re gay? All right, not that this matters, but did they at least offer you a huge raise? Chandler: No, no, but they are going to lease us a Ford Focus. I’ll get out of it. Monica: Thank you. Chandler: What is wrong with Emma? Monica: Oh she misunderstood, she thought she was moving to Tulsa. Chandler: Umm ma’am, do you have a minute? I kind of have some bad news. I don’t think I can move to Tulsa. Ms. McKenna: What? Chandler: It’s a funny story, actually. I kind of fell asleep in the meeting this morning so when I said I’d move to Tulsa, I didn’t really know what I was saying. Ms. McKenna: You fell asleep? Chandler: But only because I was up all night worried about this meeting, ain’t that funny? Irony? Not a fan, alright . See, here’s the thing. I went home and told my wife about Tulsa and she won’t go. See, me, I love Tulsa!  Tulsa is heaven!  Tulsa is Italy—Please don’t make me go there! Ms. McKenna: Chandler, I… Chandler: No no no! Look, Carol, can I call you Carol? Joey: Hey, so how is it? Ross: I broke my thumb. Joey: Your thumb? That’s weird. Maybe later. Ross I feel terrible. Ross: You know what, you can go, I just have to fill out some forms. Joey: You, you want me to help you with that? Ross: Why, does it look like I’m having trouble with my misshapen claw? Joey: Name? I know Ross but what’s it short for? You know like, like Rossel or Rosstepher. Ross: Just Ross! Joey: It’s pretty, Okay date of birth? Ross: You know my birthday. Joey: Sure, May...tember. Ross: October 18th. Joey: Occupation? Dinosaurs. Ross: Actually I’m a palian… Dinosaurs is fine… the drawing is not. Joey: Alright, who do you want as your emergency contact? Ross: Ah, Rachel I guess. Joey: Okay, relationship, boy this could take a while. Ross: Just ah… just put roommate. Joey: Come on, you guys are more then that! I mean, you’re gonna get together right? Ross: I don’t think that we are. Joey: But you two were supposed to be together. Ross: Well, I thought so too, but then she said she’d marry you. Joey: Come on, Ross, that didn’t mean anything! She just had the baby, she was all freaked out about doing it alone, she would have said yes to anybody. Ross: Yeah that’s what she said. Joey: So? Ross: So I don’t wanna be just anybody. Joey: Wow. Ross: You know what, it’s, it’s better this way anyway. I mean I don’t know what I was thinking, going down that road again with us. It’s just much easier if we’re just friends who have a kid. Joey: Really? Ross: Yeah. Joey: And you’re Okay with that? Ross: Yes. I mean, it’s what we always planned.  And if you have a plan, you should stick to it.  That’s why they call them plans.  Hello? I’m fine. Joey: Hey, for what it’s worth, with Rachel I don’t think you’ll ever be just "anybody." Ross: Hey there you go! Joey: "Thanks." Rachel: Oh my God! How long has she been crying? Monica: About a week and a half. Phoebe: Well alright, looks like you guys have got it under control so I’m just gonna go. Monica: Rach, try holding her a different way. Rachel: You guys, I’m doing the best I can, anyone else is welcome to try. Phoebe: Alright, I’ll try, fine! Yes, Okay! Rachel: Here you go. Phoebe: Shh! Nothing works with this child! Rachel: Oh god what am I gonna do you guys, I can’t even comfort my own baby! I’m the worst mother ever! Monica: You’re just new at this, it’ll get better, think about your first day at work. I mean, that couldn’t have been easy but you figured that out. Rachel: Yeah I don’t think dressing provocatively is going to help me here! Oh my god just please take her. Monica: Okay I’ll take her, here. Rachel: I have to go to the bathroom. Phoebe: I have to go scream into a pillow. Monica: Phoebe: Have I gone deaf? Monica: It worked! Ooh baby baby baby, ooh baby baby baby! Phoebe: You must be a fireball in bed. Monica: I can’t believe it!  She’s asleep!  I got her to go to sleep!   I have actual magical powers! Phoebe: I can hear traffic and birds!  I can hear the voices in my head again! Rachel: Oh my God! You got her to stop crying! Monica: Yes I did, I’m Monica, Super Aunt Rachel: You are the official baby crier stopper! Monica: Yes I am!! Rachel: You’re never leaving the apartment! Monica: Say what? Rachel: That’s your new job, day and night, she starts crying I need you here. Monica: Oh no no no no! Phoebe: Thankfully you don’t need me at all . Rachel: Okay so listen I’m gonna go lay down. Monica: What? Rachel: You know the book says that whenever she’s sleeping I should be sleeping so… Chandler: Hey! Monica: Shhh! We just got her to go to sleep Chandler: Oh so there can’t be any yelling. Monica: No. Chandler: We’re moving to Tulsa Monica: What!? Chandler: Shhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh! Ross: Hey. Rachel: Heeeeey, where have you been? What happened to you? Ross: Ah I had a little thing with Joey, if you think this is bad you should see him. Rachel: Oh no Ross! This is not good, we have to talk about this Joey thing. Please sit. You have got to get over this Joey thing, okay? I never really wanted to marry Joey, okay? Ross: Okay. Rachel: You know what I really really want? Ross: What, Rach? Rachel: I wanna sleep, I wanna eat, I wanna take a shower, I mean before she wakes up and we gotta do this all over again. Ross: Right. Rachel: I mean I got news for you mister, Emma?  Not easy. Ross: Well, that’s what I’m here for. Want me to get that? Rachel: No its really okay… Monica! Monica: Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Closing Credits Joey: You know, ah, I’ve been thinking about this and I gotta tell ya, it’s not my fault. It’s a natural instinct. Chandler: Hey, what you guys talking about? Joey: Hey OK great, what would you do if I did this? End Written by: Brian Buckner and Sebastian Jones Directed by: Roger Christiansen Transcribed by: Ane B. J. Rachel: Hi! Ross: Hey! So what's the big news you had us rush all the way over here for? Chandler: Okay, our news. My company has asked me to head up our office in Tulsa , so as of Monday I'm being officially relocated. Ross: Oh my God! Phoebe: What?! Rachel: What?! Ross: Monday?! Joey: How long do you have to go for? Chandler: They said it could be up to a year. Joey: A year?! Rachel: Do you have to go? Monica: I kind of have to don't I? Because of this stupid thing Chandler: There is nothing like the support of your loving wife, huh? Joey: Wait a minute, you can't go to Tulsa. Maybe you forgot, but we've got tickets to the Jets game next week. Chandler: I'm sorry buddy, but I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it. Joey: We were gonna go see the Jets! Ross: You can't go, I mean you're the glue that holds this group together! Chandler: Really? Ross: Not you. Joey: I can't believe you guys are moving. Phoebe: I call their apartment!!! Everyone: No!!! Ah!! Ahh!!! Joey: Here you are Rachel: Thank you Joey. You know what? I'm not even sure I can have caffeine. Ross: I went thru this with Ben and Carol. One cup of coffee won't affect your milk. Rachel: Yeah. Just to be sure I'm gonna call Dr. Wiener. Joey: Rachel: Every time? Joey: Uhuh. Ross: Rach, you don't have to call whenever you have a little question, okay? Trust me, I know this. Rachel: All right, I trust you. Ross: Rachel, I can see you dialing! I don't understand why... Rachel: I'm on the phone! Joey: Phoebe: It's so weird seeing Ross and Rachel with a baby. It's just so grown up. Joey: I know, yeah. I feel like we're all growing up. Person named Wiener, God that kills me. Phoebe: Look at you all grown up. Joey: Actually, you know what? I am. That whole thing with Rachel made me realize that maybe I'm ready for a more serious relationship. You know? Like I'd like to meet a nice mature commitment-minded lady. And looks aren't as important as...Nah, she's gotta be hot. Phoebe: You know, I might know somebody. Hey, how about you set me up with someone, and we double date! Joey: I can do that, yeah. How is Friday? Phoebe: Done. Oh good, really? Joey: Yeah! Phoebe: Let's see! Oh, you know who's great? Sandy Poophack. Joey: Phoebe: Yeah... All right, well that rules out Lana Titweiller Joey: Chandler: Hey! Monica: Hey! Chandler: I've got good news! Monica: You got out of the whole Tulsa thing? Chandler: Okay, I have news. You don't have to move to Tulsa. You can stay here and keep your job. Monica: It's great! How? Chandler. Well my boss and I worked out a deal where I only have to be in Tulsa four days a week, so the other three I can be here with you. Monica: So you're gonna be gone four days a week? No. Chandler: I'm sorry, are you just used to saying that? Monica: No. I can't be away from you for that long. Chandler: Really? Monica: Yeah, you're my husband. I'm not gonna live in a different state than you for 208 days out of the year. Chandler: That's fast math! We could use you in Tulsa. Monica: Honey, thanks for trying to figure out a way, but if you're going to Tulsa, I wanna go with you. Chandler: Hey, you said that without gagging! Monica: I know! Rachel: Ross: Who the hell was that?! Rachel: Dr. Wiener. Ross: Rach, you can't call people at three in the morning. Rachel: Oh you know what, you sound just like his wife! Ross: Was there anything you did wrong with Emma? Rachel: Yes, of course there is! Okay? I'm not insane! Ross: Well, what was it? Rachel: Hiccups. Ross: Rach, I told you, you can't call him every time any little thing comes up. Rachel: Yeah well, not anymore I can't. He fired us! What are we gonna do? We have to find a pediatrician. Wait wait, Monica said that when you guys were growing up, you really liked your doctor. What was his name? Ross: Dr. Gettleman? Yeah I know, I don't think that's a good idea. In fact, I think he's dead. Rachel: Argh! Why does everything happen to me?! Ross: Rach, I promise first thing tomorrow we'll find another doctor, but I gotta get up early and I'm not feeling all that well. Rachel: What? What, do you mean you're not feeling well? What do you have? Is it Rubella? Because don't go near Emma, she has not had that shot. Ross: You know? Come to think of it, it does feel Rubella-like! Rachel: Wiener, Wiener!!! Ross: Rachel!!! Rachel: Great! Now he's gonna know it was me! Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Hey! Phoebe: So how is this for our big double date tonight? Joey: Oh my God! Phoebe: Ooh, great! Just the reaction I was hoping for. Joey: Yeah, so you found someone for me. You didn't forget? Phoebe: Of course not! And you're gonna love Mary Ellen. She's really smart and cute and funny, and I can't tell you how I know this, but she' not opposed to threesomes. So tell me some about my guy. Joey: No. Phoebe: Come on, give me something. What's his name? Joey: Mike. Phoebe: Mike? Okay! What's his last name? Joey: Damnit! Is there no mystery left in romance anymore!? Phoebe: All right, we'll se you and Mike at the restaurant in a couple hours. Joey and Phoebe: Joey: Why did I have to say Mike? I don't know a Mike! Why couldn't I have said... There's no guy in there! Rachel: It's impossible to find a good doctor. I mean, how do you know the good ones from the ones who are gonna push their penis against your knee? Monica: Excuse me? Chandler: I know what she's talking about. Rachel: We've got to find a new pediatrician. Ross was getting sick last night, and I think Emma may have caught it. Monica: Why don't you go see Dr. Gettleman? Rachel: Ross said he died. Monica: He didn't die. I saw his daughter last week. Said he was fine. Her on the other hand, botched Botox. Rachel: Oh, great! Well, then I'm gonna take Emma to see him. I wonder why Ross said that he died. Monica: Oh, maybe he was getting him confused with his childhood therapist. Chandler: He saw a therapist? Monica: Yeah, he used to have this recurring nightmare, just really freaked him out. Rachel: Why? What was it? Monica: That I was going to eat him. Joey: MIKE!!! Mike: Yeah? Joey: Mike: I gotta tell you, I can't believe I'm doing this with you. Although I did just get out of a nine-year relationship, so I guess I should be open and taking some risks. Joey: Everything is gonna be fine. Just follow my lead, okay? All you have to do is pretend to be Mike. Mike: I am Mike. Joey: Atta boy! Joey: Okay, look... Everyone: Phoebe: Joey, this is Mary Ellen Jenkins. So, Mike, how do you and Joey know each other anyway? Mike: How do I and Joey know each other? Wow, if I had a nickel for every time somebody has asked me that. Joey: From school. Mike: Yeah, we met in college. I mean, high school. Phoebe: Wow, you guys go way back then. So what are you up to these days? Mike: Well, I'm a lawyer. Joey: Mike, 'attorney at law'! Mike: Actually, I just gave up my practice. Joey: What? That's the kinda thing you usually run by me. Mike: I always wanted to play piano professionally, and I figured if I don't do this now, I never will. Phoebe: Wow, that's great! I liked that better than the law thing, so... Joey: Which is why I waited until now to introduce you to Mike. Mary Ellen: I thought you thought he was still a lawyer. Joey: No, no, that's not what I meant. Let's get you a cocktail. Monica: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Monica: What are you doing? Chandler: Looking for restaurant jobs for you in Tulsa. Monica: That's so sweet. Find anything? Chandler: Slim Pickings. Monica: Nothing, huh? Chandler: No, 'Slim Pickings', it's a barbecue restaurant. They're looking for a cook. Actually 'cook' may be a bit of a stretch. They're looking for someone to shovel mesquite. Monica: 'Slim Pickings'...That is so cheesy. Chandler: 'So Cheesy' also has an opening. Monica: Honey, that's okay. I actually know this woman, Nancy, who's a restaurant biz head-hunter. Maybe she'll know of something. Chandler: Can I just say how much I appreciate you coming with me. When we get to Tulsa I'm taking you for a great dinner at 'Slim Pickings'. 'So Cheesy'? 'Whole Hog'? It's going to be tough to keep Kosher in Tulsa. Monica: 'I'll take it!' Rachel: Hi, my name is Rachel Green, I have an appointment for Emma. Receptionist: Dr. Gettleman is finishing up with a patient, he should be out shortly. Dr. Gettleman: I think you just have a cold, it's definitely not Strep. Ross: Thanks doctor. Dr. Gettleman: Would you like a lollypop? Ross: You even have to ask?! He is alive! Phoebe: You know, it's so surprising that you and Joey have known each other for so long and I've never heard about you. Joey: Yeah, that's because we had a bit of a falling out. Mike hit my mom with a car. Mike: No, I didn't. Joey: That's okay Mike, I have forgiven you. And now we're friends again everything's great! Mary Ellen Wait, is your mom okay? Joey: Please, we're trying to have a conversation. Mary Ellen: Wow, you're a lot nicer on 'Days of Our Lives'. Mike: 'Days of Our Lives'! That's why you look so familiar! Phoebe: What?! Mike: What?! Joey: What?! Phoebe: Do you not know each other? Joey: Hey, remember the one where I punch you in the face for not being cool?! Phoebe: Mike, let me ask you something. How many sisters does Joey have? Mike: Six! Joey: What are you doing? I said seven! Argh!!! Phoebe: Joey, why did you set me up with a stranger? Joey: Because I forgot about our date, I'm so sorry. Mike: I'm sorry too. And just to be clear, I didn't hit his mother with a car. Phoebe: You are unbelievable! I spent so much time finding the perfect girl for you, you know. Mary Ellen is really smart and cute and loose. Mary Ellen: Hey! Phoebe: Who are you kidding? You just find some guy off the street for me? Oh God! This is humiliating! Joey: Look Phoebe I'm so sorry! Hey, look, if you don't like this guy I can find you a better one. Mike!! Mike!! Phoebe: I'm out of here Mike: It was nice meeting you! Joey: You're leaving too? Mary Ellen: I'll stay if you can tell me my name. Joey: Good night! Chandler: Honey, we're leaving tomorrow you've still got a lot of packing to do. Monica: You're right. Maybe I shouldn't go. Chandler: What? Monica: So Nancy told me about this job at this great restaurant, Javo . It's just a little outside of Tulsa. Chandler: How far outside? Monica: Manhattan. Chandler: And you're thinking of taking it? new job. Monica: I'm gonna miss this hand! Okay I know it's a lot to ask, but oh my God Chandler, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Chandler: What happened to 'you can't live without me four days a week'? Monica: Well, if you really think about it, I mean four days is not that long. I mean, I see you Monday before you go to work, and I see you Thursday when you get back, and I always work late on Tuesdays, so really if you think about it, it's really just one day. And well, if we can't make it one day, we've got real problems my friend. Chandler: I think you should take the job. Monica: Really? Chandler: Yeah. I know it must be important to you when you start chattering like a monkey. Monica: That's the nicest anyone has ever said to me! Ross: Hey! Monica: How was the pediatrician? Rachel: Oh, I really liked him. Yeah, it was really, really, really good. Ross: You promised you wouldn't say anything. Rachel: I know. I don't care! Monica: Are you serious? You still see Dr. Gettleman? Ross: He's a brilliant diagnostician! Chandler: Diagnostician or boo-boo fixer? Rachel: Ross, seriously! You've gotta go to an appropriate doctor. Ross: Why? Why? I know it's a little weird, but hey, he's a great doctor, okay? He knows my medical history, and every time I go in there, he makes a big deal. 'Ah look, it's my favorite patient!' Chandler: Does he say that before he sticks his thermometer in your touchy? Ross: Hey, I seem to remember someone bringing his security blanket to college! Chandler: That was not a security blanket! That was a wall-hanging! Ross: It didn't spend much time on the wall!!! Mike: Excuse me, hi. I was hoping I would run into you. Can we talk? Phoebe: Sure. Mike: I'm sorry, really, I'm so embarrassed. Really, I'm a pretty nice guy. Just ask my parole officer...Apparently I'm not a funny guy. Phoebe: Why did you go along with that? Mike: Because I was told I'd get a free dinner, which I didn't. And that I'd meet a pretty girl. Which I did. Phoebe: That's true. Well, is anything you told me about yourself true? Mike: My name in Mike, and I do play piano. Phoebe: Prove it. Mike: There isn't a piano here. Phoebe: That wouldn't stand in the way of a true pianist. Mike: Phoebe: You are really good! I play a little guitar myself. Mike: Really? Phoebe: Uhuh. Mike: That's great. What kind of music do you play? Phoebe: Well, like acoustic folksy stuff. You know? But right now I'm working on a couple 'Iron Maiden' covers. Mike: Do you think that maybe, sometime, I could... Phoebe: It's okay. Go ahead, ask me out. Mike: Okay. Do you think maybe sometime I could take you out? Joey: Phoebe: Oh, you just caught me off guard! Yeah, that would be nice. Joey: Look at this. My two best friends! Ross: Excuse me, I don't mean to be a jerk, but the baby with the rash came in after me. Receptionist: The doctor will be right with you sir. Girl: Mommy, I can't find Waldo. Ross: With the circus? He's behind the elephant. Woman: Wow, so your child is a big fan of the Waldo books too? Ross: Yeah, that's how I know. I'm Ross by the way. Sally: Hi, I'm Sally. So, no ring. Can I assume you are also a single parent? Ross: I am a single parent. Sally: It's hard isn't it? There's almost no time for a social life. I mean, where are you gonna meet someone? Ross: Well, let's say, I don't know, you met someone in the pediatrician's office. Nurse: Rossy, we're ready for you. Ross: Hmm, yeah. Come on Ross jr. It's time to go in. Boy: Mommy Girl: Mommy, what's wrong with that man? Ross: Hey, I helped you find Waldo! Ross: Oh good, you haven't left yet. Monica: Where have you been? Ross: I got held up at Dr. Gettleman's office. There was some guy that freaked everybody out. Chandler: Well, you got here just in time. I really have to go buddy. Ross: Oh man. Monica: Promise to call me when you land. Chandler: Of course I will call you. I love you. Monica: I love you too. Rachel: Okay, wow, wow, wow. Watch the tongue people, we've got a baby over here. Phoebe: Bye Chandler. Chandler: Awww. Bye! Rachel: Bye honey. Chandler: What's the matter Joe? Joey: I'm mad at you for leaving! You're nothing but a big leaver. Big leaver with a stupid suitcase. Chandler: Any chance you are trying to pick a fight to make all this easier? Joey: Dude, you see right thru me!! Chandler: Well, bye Mon, bye Ross, Rachel, bye Emma! Phoebe: Okay, bye-bye! Monica: you. This is just something I have to do. Chandler: I know. Monica: I love you so much. Chandler: I know that too. Chandler: Don't worry, I'll be back before you know it. Yes it will be the same. Because I know, that's how. I promise. CUT TO: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Joey: Double promise? Call me when you land. Monica: Can I talk now? Joey: Okay, bye. Monica: Joey? Joey: He had to board. Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Phoebe: Oh hey Ross oh I'm so glad someone's here could you zip me up? Ross: sure. Phoebe: Thank you. Can you believe no-one between my apartment and here offered to do that for me? Ross: people so why you all dressed up. Phoebe: oh umm Mike's picking me up for a date. Ross: oh yea now um how is that going, is it getting serious? Phoebe: oh I dunno I dunno, you know I mean I like him but am I ready to take my grade a loins off the meat market. Ross: you know I really admire your whole dating attitude, it's so healthy I'm always like is this moving to fast? Is this moving to slow? Where's this going? Phoebe: yea you know you are a bit of a drama queen. Ross: but you, your so much better off you just go from guy to guy having fun and never worrying that it terns into anything serious. Phoebe: I wouldn't say never, you know there's that guy ok well there's gotta be someone. Ross: There isn't that's what I'm saying. Phoebe: Oh my god you're right. Ross: I know and yet here you are all ready for the next date. Phoebe: I can't believe I never realized this before, I'm in my thirty's and never been in a long-term relationship oh my god what's wrong with me. Ross: no, no, no there's nothing wrong with you I mean you don't strike me as the type of person that wants to get married anyway. Phoebe: I wanna get married Ross: please don't cry because of me pheebs I don't know what I'm talking about, I've been divorced three times. Phoebe: least you've been married, OH MY GOD! I wanna trade lives with Ross Mike: Phoebe what's wrong? Phoebe: nothing, I'm excited about our date, Mike this is Ross Geller this is Mike Haaaaa Ross: I'm sorry I didn't catch. Mike: its Mike Hanagen Ross: Oh Ross Geller Mike: Hey, so are you sure your ready to go. Phoebe: uh huh Ross: do you have a compact in your purse? Phoebe: No Ross: you look great. Monica:: hey Joey Joey: Hey, this girl won't turn around and I can't tell whether she's hot or not, what do you think? Monica:: Joey I am not going to objectify woman with you but if her face is as nice as her ass woah mamma. Joey: Alright thanks, Oh hey have you talked to Chandler? Monica:: yeah he has to stay in Tulsa this weekend Joey: how come? Monica:: he has to work, there's some rush on the big ah damn it one of these days I'm really gonna have to start listening when he talks about his job. Joey: oh why don't you fly out there and surprise him. Monica:: maybe I will go yea will have a second honeymoon at the Tulsa romana. Joey: oh and you know what you should bring the black see-through teddy with the attached garters. Monica:: how do you know I have one of those? Joey: didn't till just now. Joey: hot not hot Hot! Hayley: excuse me? Joey: I said I think you're hot and now I'm embarrassed. Hayley: oh I thought you said Hi. Joey: that would've been better, I'll try that Hi I'm Joey. Hayley: I'm Hayley. Joey: look I don't usually ask out women that I meet in coffeehouses Gunther: HA! Joey: gesundheit Hayley: I would love to go out with you. Joey: really, great, did I actually ask you? Hayley: no that's just where you were going I just figured that I'd help you out, you don't seem like the kind of guy that does this very a lot. Gunther: HA! Joey: Ross: so how'd the date go? Phoebe: well it was awful every time I thought about what you said I started crying. Ross: So he hasn't called? Phoebe: would you call this girl? thanks-fo-r-a-love-ly-even-ing Ross: now I feel terrible this is all my fault. Phoebe: well you not what you should feel terrible about, this could have been my serious guy he was sweet and smart and funny. Do you know how hard it is to meet a guy like that? Ross: We are a rare breed. Hayley: what a great dinner. Joey: yeah and hey thanks again for letting me having that last piece of cake at the restaurant. Hayley: your welcome again, I'm gonna make some coffee can I get you anything? Joey: do you have any cake? >>> Joey's Subconscious So this is going pretty good. dinner was nice, got a lot in common. AWCH! It did that the last time. Oh my god, I've gone out with this girl before yeah we had sex on this couch and then on that chair and no. no we didn't do it hear which is weird because it seems like a perfectly good place. Joey: AWCH! That's why. Ross: Hey Mike sorry to just drop by like this, can I come in? Mike: Sure who are you? Ross: I'm Ross, Phoebe's friend from the coffeehouse. Mike: Oh. Ross: yeah I really, really need to talk to you about something. Mike: Ok, unless you're not gonna try to get me to join a cult are you? Ross: No Mike: oh it's just you have that look Ross: Damn super cuts! Mike: what's up is Phoebe ok? Ross: oh no yeah, no Phoebe is great, but umm I'm an idiot look right before you guys went out I accidentally got her all upset. Mike: that's why she was weird. Ross: yes, yeah I said something stupid about her never having had a serious relationship, but you should know she is so much fun, a wonderful person please don't blow her off. Mike: I'm not blowing her off, I actually just got off the phone with her, were going out tomorrow night, I mean I hope that's ok with you stranger from the coffee house. Ross: well then I didn't need to bother you or the four other Mike Hanagens I bothered. Mike: hey wait wait wait wait wait! Is that true what you said Phoebe's never had a serious relationship? Ross: of course she has. if she'd never had a serious relationship I'd go round broadcasting it like some unstoppable moron. Mike: but you did say it Ross: yes, yes I did. and I will also say what I'm about to say Vis-�-vis the following Phoebe has never had a serious relationship since her. super-serious relationship with. Vicrum. Mike: Vicrum? Ross: WHAT THAT'S A REAL NAME! Chandler: who am I kidding pay-per-view porn. -Cuts to Monica Chandler: DO NOT DISTURB DO NOT DISTURB! Monica: Monica:: is everything all right? Chandler: everything's great, just watching some regular television there, what a pleasant surprise. Monica:: I'm gonna go freshen up ok Chandler: Ok honey. that was close. -Cut to Rachel Rachel: Hello Monica:: Hey Rach its me ok I just got the Chandler's room and I caught him molesting himself. Rachel: Oh that couldn't have been pretty. but you know guys do that. Monica:: yea well the weird part is... he was getting off to a shark attack show! Rachel: Nooooooooo! Monica:: Yes! Chandler Watches Shark Porn! Rachel: well watching sharks? Are you sure that's what he was doing? Monica:: do you know how many times I've seen him jump up like that, believe me I know what he was doing. Rachel: man sharks. I always knew there was something weird about that dude. But you promised to love him no matter what. Monica:: what means if he gets like a disease or kills someone. not if he gets his jollys to jaws! Rachel: Ah! You know what honey guys are just different, they like things that we can't understand, you know I once dated this guy who wanted to pretend he was an archeologist and I was a naughty cave woman that he unfroze from a block of ice. Monica:: Eww are you talking about my bother. Rachel: yeah I didn't disguise that very well did i. Joey: Hey Rachel: Hi Joey: listen to this... I went out with this girl last night and half way through our date I realized I already slept with her. Rachel: so basically you've slept with all the woman in New York and now you're just going around again. Joey: well that's not even the weird part. I don't think she remembered sleeping with me. Monica:: But you don't remember sleeping with her. Joey: yeah but she should remember sleeping with me I am very memorable, you guys know. Rachel: what, how do we know, we never slept with you. Joey: and who's fault is that. Monica:: what's the big deal, you forgot, she forgot, maybe you were having an off night Joey: HEY! I never have an off night ok although sometimes when I'm a little bloated I don't feel very sexy BUT EVEN THEN I'M BETTER THEN MOST! Monica:: Honey why don't you just let it go and ask her out again. Rachel: yeah your both so slutty you don't even remember who you've slept with, you're made for each other. Joey: Interesting. all right I'll go out with her again and try to get past it OH SALT BLOATY! Monica:: Joey, Joey. Joey: What? Monica:: you don't think sharks are sexy do you? Joey: No. wait a minute what was the little mermaid? Phoebe: It's open. Ross: Hey! Phoebe: HEY! Mike called were going out again! YAY! YAY! Ross: YAY! quick thing, I went to talk to Mike. Phoebe: What? Wha-wha-wha-did you do ROSS! Ross: oh boy you got mad at that part. I went over there to tell him how great you are but you know me BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, and I ended up telling him that. Phoebe: WHAT! Ross: umm. that you had a six year long relationship with a guy named Vicrum. Phoebe: WHAT! WHY? Ross: well he seemed to bum hard that you'd never been in a serious relationship. Phoebe: If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend I swear to Lucifer a raber dog would be feasting on your danglers RIGHT NOW! Ross: well Phoebe, I think you'll feel better when you know a little bit about Vicrum, His a Kite designer Phoebe: I'm not going along with some lie you made Ross, No I'm just gonna be honest with him. Ross: Good yeah just be honest with him. Phoebe: yeah I've nothing to be ashamed of ok so I haven't been in a relationship that lasted longer then a month. Ok I haven't had a real boyfriend you know if he can't handle that he can leave. which he will and that's ok. so I'll just be alone forever you know alright I'll be. it'll be fine. it'll be fine. I'll go walking tours with widows and lesbians. Oh Ross: I'll get it Phoebe: ok Mike: Phoebe: Uh huh yeah Vicrum just called. Hayley: so it was kind of a shock after 25 years of marriage my parents, a perfect couple getting divorced, I kinda took it the hardest cause I was the youngest. Joey: Uh huh, sure, yeah. How can you not remember me? Hayley: What? Joey: How could you not remember that we slept together? Hayley: What! When? Joey: I dunno! Hayley: I really, really think I would remember sleeping with you Joey: come on, come on, search your brain all right. it was here, here, here NOT there. Anything? Hayley: no it's not ringing any bells. Joey: my god woman! How many people do you have to had been with not to remember any of this? Hayley's roommate: Hey Hayley you've really gotta fix that doorknob. Joey! Joey: Ooooooooooh, I slept with you! And you obviously remember me Hey! I still got it. I'll let myself out. Phoebe: .and I said Vicrum you can't just call every time you get lonely you know, you, you gave up that right when you slept with Rachel. Mike: But Rachel I thought she just had a baby with Ross Phoebe: yeah well yeah you know Emma's birth certificate might say Geller but her eyes say Mookurgee. Mike: that is so wrong and on top of that his a glue sniffer. Phoebe: I know but he call's and my heart goes to him. You know that bastard is one smooth talking free lance kite designer. Mike: I just think there's somebody better out there for you, I mean I'm not saying me but. maybe me. Phoebe: Oh. Mike: and you don't have to worry about glue sniffing with me. although I do smell the occasional magic marker, yeah ah anyway I just think I can make you happy. Phoebe: ok I can't do this. Mike: what's wrong? Phoebe: well there is no Vicrum, Ross made him up because I never really have been in a long-term relationship, I've never lived with a guy, and I've never even celebrated an anniversary so. You kissed me. Mike: uh huh Phoebe: so you don't think I'm a total freak Mike: No. well look can I think your weird and also cool for telling me the truth and also wanna kiss you. Phoebe: I guess so, can I. can I think it's cool that you kiss me and also wanna kiss you again and umm, be a little concerned about the magic markers. Mike: Definitely Ross: This is Vicrum. Chandler: Hi honey I'm home! Monica:: Hi, how was your flight? Chandler: oh it was great. Monica:: Here why don't you sit down, get yourself comfortable because I. have a little surprise for you. Chandler: well, well, well it must be five in Tulsa because it's six o clock IN NY.C! Monica:: Ok Chandler: Honey why am I watching a bunch of sharks swimming around. Monica:: Is this not the good part? Do you want me to fast forward to something a little toothier. Chandler: no I'm not quite sure you got the right movie that's all. Monica:: Oh well this is the only one they had at our video store, but they did have something called crocodile killers. Or does it always have to be sharks? Chandler: does what always have to be sharks. Monica:: Honey look we can do something else, do you want me to get into the tub and thrash. Chandler: What's going on? Monica:: sweetie it's ok, I still love you, let me be a part of this. Chandler: let ME be a part of this! Monica:: I saw what you were doing in Tulsa. angry sharks turn you on! Chandler: no they don't Monica:: then why were you watching them and giving YOURSELF a treat. Chandler: OH MY GOD! When you came in I switched the channel, I was just watching regular porn Monica:: really? Chandler: yeah just some good old fashion girl on girl American action. Monica:: I cannot tell you how happy that makes me! Chandler: You are an amazing wife. No really you're amazing you were actually gonna do this for me, I mean where do you find the strength and understanding over something like that. Monica:: Im very, very drunk right now. Joey: see ordinarily I would talk to her, but my confidence is shaken did I sleep with her? Did I not sleep with her? Phoebe: you know maybe this is a wake up call, about your whole dating attitude. Your in your thirty's and you've never had a serious relationship and you have never been in a long term relationship, here you go from woman to woman, meaningless experience to meaningless experience never even worrying that it doesn't tern into anything serious. Joey: your right! I love my life! I actually did sleep with her. Written by: Scott Silveri Directed by: David Schwimmer Transcribed by: Christoph P�per Phoebe: Oh hey you guys, I couldn�t get a reservation for the night of my birthday, so we have to do dinner Thursday night instead. Joey: Thursday? But that�s Halloween. Phoebe: So? Joey: So spooky, that�s all. Ross: So, so, is Mike coming to dinner? Phoebe: No! It�s my first birthday with a boyfriend, and he has to work. Uch, I get mad at him, but I think it�s a little to soon to show my true colors. Rachel: Pheebs, I would make a reservation for five, because one of us has to stay home and watch Emma. Which one of us should go to dinner? Phoebe: Oh, Rachel! Ross: Actually, um, I was thinking maybe both of us could go. Phoebe: Oh, yay! Ross: Thanks, I put a lot of extra thoughts on your gift. Phoebe: Alright, okay, so we can all go now. That is fun. Hey, you know what? We all haven�t been together the six of us in such a long time. Monica: What are you talking about? We�re all together right now. Rachel: Um, Mon, Chandler�s not here. Monica: Oh, dear god! Opening Credits Chandler: Good morning everyone, it�s nice to see our team together for the first time. Now, before we get started, are there any questions? Yes, Ken is it? Ken: That�s right. Is it true, that the reason you are here in Tulsa is that you fell asleep in a meeting and took the job without realizing what you were saying yes to? Chandler: Ah, Claudia, aren�t you supposed to blow smoke up the bosses� ass? Claudia: I�m sorry. Does the smoke bother you? Chandler: No, no, no-no-no. I smoked for years, then I quit. Right now, I can�t remember why. You�re not allowed to smoke in this office. Not right? Claudia: Yes, in Oklahoma it�s legal to smoke in offices with fifteen people or less. Would you like one? Chandler: Alright, lo�look. I don�t smoke anymore. But if the rest of you want to light up, go ahead, it�s fine. So you all smoke then? That�s almost rude, that I�m not. Ken: That�s not true. If you don�t wanna smoke � Chandler: Ken, please! No, I can�t, I can�t smoke. If I smoke, my wife would kill me. Ken: I�m sorry, but isn�t your wife back in New York? Chandler: I always liked you, Ken. Phoebe: Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Ooh, and treat it is. Monica: Hmhmm. Phoebe: Wow, so glad I changed. Almost wore my ??? outfit that can�t contain my breasts. Monica: This is not, what I�m wearing. I�m ovulating and Chandler�s gonna be home any minute, so I thought we would try before dinner. Phoebe: Ohh. Oh wait! you guys won�t be late for my dinner, will you? Monica: Believe me, Chandler and I have not seen each other in over a week. We�ll probably be the first ones there. Phoebe: �kay, see you there. Happy humping! Hey�hey! Oh, wow, somebody smoked out here? Oh my god, don�t people know, you�re not allowed to smoke in public spaces? Chandler: Actually, in Oklahoma smoking is legal in all commune areas and offices with fewer than fifteen people. Phoebe: You smoked! Chandler: No! I just happened t�do a lot trivias about smoking in different states. For example, in Hawaii cigarettes are called Leyhallalookoos. Phoebe: Chandler, you stink of cigarettes. Chandler: Uch, do you think, Monica is gonna be able smell it? Phoebe: Are you kidding? The woman has the nose of a bloodhound � and the breasts of a Greek goddess. Chandler: Pheebs? Phoebe: Chandler: Unscented! Monica: Welcome home. I�ve missed you. join me in the bedroom? Chandler: No thanks, I�m good. Monica: O-kay, so you wanna play it that way, do you? Chandler: Right. You know what? Actually I just get off the plane, so I�m feeling kinda gross. Maybe I should just take a shower. Monica: You don�t need a shower. Chandler: Alright, the truth is, I soiled myself during some turbulences. Monica: What do I smell? I smell smoke. Huh�did you smoke? Chandler: Yes, but I just had one. Two. Two tiny cigarettes. Okay, five. A pack. Two pack�a�a carton. Three big fat cartons in two days. But it�s over, I made a decision, I�m not gonna smoke anymore. Monica: Chandler: But, those are for you. Ross: Alright, we�ll just, uh, see when you get here. Bye. Huh, that was my mom, she�s stuck in terrible traffic. Rachel: Okay, well that�s now the third sign that I should not leave Emma. Ross: Oh, what were the other two? Rachel: Well, let�s see. The first one is: I don�t want to. And, you know, I�m not going. Ross: I know, it�s the first time, we�re leaving the baby and � hey, I know how hard it is for you, but � but Emma is gonna be fine. My mom is gonna be with her. She�s great with kids. Rachel: She is? Ross: Ya. Rachel: What about Monica. Ross: Hey, you only heard Monica�s side of that. That little fatso was a terror. Rachel: Ish. I just don�t think I can bear it. Ross: Rachel, I know that you can. And you should. Rachel: Uch. Ross: Really, it would be good for you and in fact, why don�t you, why don�t you go ahead to the restaurant and I will wait for my mom and then I�ll meet you there. Rachel: Oh-A. Ross: No, no, really. You should go. Just go! Go! Go out! Really, the world is your oyster. Kick up the heels. Paint the town red. Rachel: You need to learn some new slang. Ross: I�m serious. C�mon, you should go. Here. No, uh-uh, just go. Rachel: What � Oh! Ross: No! No, you know what? Rachel: I was just going to say that I left my keys. Ross: Oh, holy molly are we in a pickle now. Phoebe: Where is everyone? They�re forty minutes late. Joey: I know, u-uch. Phoebe: I�m starving. I know we were coming here tonight, I ate nothing all day. Joey: What about me, he? Only had one lunch today. Waiter: Soo, are we expecting the rest of our party shortly? Phoebe: Yes, they are expected presently. Yeah, yeah um, their arrival is in the offing. Waiter: Right. We do have a table for two available, perhaps you would be more comfortable. Joey: No, they�re comin�, we�re waitin� right here. Phoebe: Joseph! Thou needn�t worry, they shan�t be long. Waiter: It�s just that we do have some large parties waiting. Phoebe: One really does have a stick up one�s ass. Doesn�t one? Monica: How can you smoke in this day of age? Do you not seen that ad with a little kid walks to grandpa, it�s chilling. Chandler: I messed up, it was a meeting, everybody was smoking. Monica: So what? Don�t you have any will power? Chandler: Will power? I�ve watch home movies of you eating ding-dongs without taking the tin foil off. Monica: You said that was sexy! Chandler: �kay, look: Can we just drop this? I�m not gonna smoke again. Monica: That�s right, because I forbid you to smoke again. Chandler: You forbid me? Monica: Mhmm. Chandler: You know, I flew a long way t see my loving wife? Is she here by the way? Monica: Don�t joke with me, okay? I�m very, very upset right now. Chandler: Oh, would you say this was the most upset you could be? Monica: Yes. Chandler: Then, I might as well � . Not really sure what to do now. Monica: Well, I�ll tell you what we�re gonna do: We are already late for Phoebe�s birthday dinner, so you point out put out that cigarette, we�re gonna put this fight on hold and go have sex. Chandler: Fine. What!? Monica: Sex! This is the last day I�m ovulating, and when we don�t do it now, we�ll have to wait till next month. Chandler: You serious? Monica: Oh yeah! Chandler: Right, fine, I�ll do it, but no talking. Monica: Huh, and no cuddling. Chandler: And no kissing your neck. Monica: Oh good, I hate it when you do that Chandler: And lots of kissing your neck. Ross: Okay, well the ??? is not home. Rachel: No. Uch. Ross: Oh-oh, wait, my mother is gonna be here any minute. And she has the keys. Rachel: Alright, I can�t, I can�t wait that long. You have to do something�knock that door down! Ross: I would, but I bruise like a peach. Besides, y�you know, everything is gonna be fine. The baby�s sleeping. Rachel: What if she jumped out the bassinet? Ross: Can�t hold her own head up, but yeah jumped. Rachel: Oh my god, I left the water running. Ross: Rach you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay? Rachel: Ah, did I leave the stove on? Ross: You never cooked since 1996. Rachel: Is the window open? Because if there�s a window open, a bird could fly in there. Ross: Oh my god, you know what, yeah, I think you�re right. I think � listen, listen! Rachel: Ubb. Ross: A pigeon, a pigeon. are locked in a death grip, swirling around the whirl pool, that fills the apartment. Rachel: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that�s true. Waiter: Hello. Phoebe & Joey: Hey. Waiter: It�s been an hour. ??? be willing to reconsider switching to a smaller table. Joey: Maybe we should just eat now. Waiter: You can�t order until your entire party has arrived. Restaurant policy. Joey: Wha-a how about this: Another table leaves, right? But there�s still some food left on their place, okay, what�s the restaurant�s policy about people eatin� that? Waiter: Estrangement . Joey: But it happens? I�m gotta go to the bathroom. Phoebe: No, you can�t go. No-no-no, I can�t hold this table on my own. If they ask me to move, I cave. Joey: If you ask me to stay, I�ll pee. Maitre D�: Good evening, Miss. Miss! Phoebe: Okay, fine, I�ll move. Alright, you don�t have to manhandle me. Okay. Thank you. Wach. Joey: Pheebs, who the hell�uhuhh! Monica: Spend more time with the tie. That�ll make a baby. Chandler: Look, I can�t do this. I can�t make luv to you while we�re fighting this way. Monica: Oh sure, now you�re Mister Sensitivity. But when you wanted to have sex right after my uncle�s funeral Chandler: That was a celebration of life. Alright, look, I�m not gonna do this. Alright, is this really the way you want a baby to be conceived? Monica: No, you�re right. Mnya, we shouldn�t do it like this. Huch. For what it�s worth, I�m, I�m sorry. I shouldn�t have come down on you so hard about the smoking. So you had a few cigarettes, not the end of the world. Chandler: Mean it? Monica: Yah. Chandler: You are incredible. Unless, I�I�m not gonna smoke again. And if I do, I promise, I will hide it so much better from you. Monica: D�you want to? Chandler: Yeah, let�s celebrate life! Monica: �kay. Rachel: Och, god. Oh, thank god, you�re okay. I�m so sorry we left you. Mom never gonna leave you again. Never ever ever again. Uch. Ross: Great. So let�s get going? Rachel: Oh no. I mean it. After what just happened, I�m never leaving her again. Ms. Geller: I understand, separation is hard. One time I was about to leave Ross to go to the beauty parlor and he got so upset, he took off all his clothes, tucked his ??? between his legs and cried out: �Mommy, I�m a girl, take me with you.� Ross: Somehow over time it got easier to be apart from you. Chandler: Uhh. You are welcome. Monica: You know what? Let�s not talk. Chandler: What? Monica: Uch. I am still so mad at you for smoking. Chandler: But you said you forgave me. It was just a couple of cigarettes�no big deal. Monica: Oh, blablablabaybaybay. Chandler: Leave it. Monica: I was just saying that because I was ovulating and you said you wouldn�t have sex with me while we�re fighting. Chandler: You tricked me to get me into bed? Monica: That�s right, I got mine. Chandler: I feel so used. Phoebe: Well, I guess they�re not coming. You wanna just order? Joey: Thank you. Waiter: Er�does not. Phoebe: Tomato tart and which of the pastas would you recommend? Waiter: Oh, they�re both exclus� Phoebe: Both it is, thank you. Joey: Oh, uh, again. Can I make a special request: Can you bring everything as soon as it�s ready? Appetizers, entrees, we don�t care. Ross & Rachel: Hey, hi, hi! Waiter: I�ll just wait to put your order in. Phoebe: You guys are over an hour late. What happened to you two? Ross: I�m so sorry � Rachel: We got locked out of the apartment, we � Joey: That�s a great story�can I eat it? Ross: And then Rachel wasn�t sure she could leave the baby. Rachel: N-it wasn�t easy, but it�s your birthday and I did what I got to do. Phoebe: And that�s Judy over there at the bar with Emma? Rachel: Oh honey, this is for the best, thus I�m not distracted, worrying about Emma, how she�s doing at home and I�m being completely here with you and, oh, she spit up! Ross: What? Rachel: She spit up. Judy! She spi�Judy! Look alive, Judy! Thank you. Ross: Thanks. Oh. Rachel: Oh, ooh, everything looks delicious. What should I ha-ave? What should I have? Joey: Never hit a woman. Never hit a woman. Ross: Y�know this ??? is incredible. Joey: Ross bruises like a peach. He bruises like a peach. Ross: Okay, I�ll have the fixed salad and the duck. Rachel: Yah, I�ll have the soup and the salmon. Joey: And remember whatever comes up first. Okay? And hurry, because � Monica: Happy birthday! Joey: Son of a bitch! Phoebe: Wher-where have you been? Monica: Well, we had a little fight. Chandler: I would never lie to get someone into bed. Monica: You used to tell girls you were a Kennedy. Ooh, uh, thanks. Wow, little tight, isn�t it? How d�you get a bigger table? You-you had a big table, but they made you move. Huh-huh, shut up Monica. Whoo, I suppose that Chandler will have the smoked duck. Chandler: I suppose that Monica will have the � manipulative shrew. Waiter: I�ll give you another minute. Joey: Why are you going? He said, she wanted the shrew! Ross: Rach, c�mon, Emma is fine. You�re turning into an obsessive mother. Okay, you need to stop. Rachel: Y�guys ever heard the story about when Rosses mom went to the beauty salon? Chandler: You mean the lully story? Ross: Huh-huh, they already know it. Phoebe: You guys, we�ve been waiting for you for a long time, maybe you should order. Joey: No, no, it�s okay, I already told the waiter what they want. Monica: Why would you do that? Joey: Chandler, control your woman! Rachel: Okay, as everybody has ordered, I would like to start the celebration and make a toast � to Phoebe. She dropped her sock. Phoebe: Aw � what? Rachel: N-no, Emma dropped her sock. Monica: Mom�s here? I wanted to have lunch with her today, she told me she was out of town. Rachel: Ross, she still has not noticed that the baby�s sock is on the ground. Phoebe: �s a good toast. Rachel: Could you please get her attention? Ross: W-oa � Mommy! Phoebe: Well, it�s too late now. Ross: Well, ??? think that�s us? Phoebe: well, this is, this is, this is not over! Hello? Joey: Well, what is going on with you two? Monica: Uch, you see, I�m ovulating. Chandler: Oh yeah, that�s what she says. But maybe you�re not ovulating at all, maybe it�s just a clever ruse to get me into bed. Monica: Yes smokie, that is what it was. I just can�t get enough. Chandler: You not gonna believe this: She lied! She tricked me into having sex with her. Joey: So? Did have sex, right? Chandler: What�s the matter with me? Why I�m such a girl? Phoebe: Okay, that was Mike. Rachel: Phoebe, hi, we�re so sorry. You�re totally right. We are here one hundred per cent and we love you and we are ready to start your birthday celebration. Phoebe: Mhuh, guys, that means the world to me. Huh, nkay, I�m gonna take off. Rachel: What? Phoebe: Oh, I love you guys too, but Mike got off work early. Wait. Wait, I�m not t�not that kind of girl that just ditches her friends to be with her boyfriend. You know what? I am. Bye guys! Judy! Bye. Rachel: Oh thank god, if Phoebe�s going, can we please take Emma home? Ross: You know, I think that�s a good idea�our babysitter just pounded in another Chardonnet. Bye, y�guys. Monica: Bye. Joey: See ya. Well, this is just us. Monica & Chandler: Mhum. Monica: So, I�m, I�m probably still ovulating. Do you want to give it another try? Chandler: So you never had sex with a Kennedy, have you? Joey: Do, do you gonna do it now? Monica: We don�t have much time. Once the egg descended the oviduct � Joey: No-ohoh. Maitre D�: I sincerely hope the rest of your party is returning. Joey: Nah, just me. All alone. Dinner for six for one, uh, you boys are about to see something really special. Closing Credits Waiter: How was everything, sir? Joey: Excellent. The shrew in particular was exclusive. Waiter: Well, I hope, you got some room left. Waiters: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear � Joey: Joey! Joey. Waiters: � Joey, happy birthday to you. Joey: That�s the best birthday ever. End Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane Transcribed by: Coffee Mug Russian to Roman alphabet: Gabriela Horber Dedicated to the great work of Eric Aasen, Guineapig and many, many more Chandler: Hello? Monica: I LOVE MY NEW JOB! Chandler: Honey, you're screaming. Monica: YOU BET YOUR ASS I AM! I just had the best first day ever! The kitchen: twice as big as Allessandro's. Chandler: Oh, that's great. Monica: Yeah, a-a-and clean. Not just health department clean... Monica clean. Chandler: Awesome. Monica: Oh, and the people are so nice. There's this one guy, Geoffrey, he's the Maitre D., Chandler, you will love him. He is without a doubt, the funniest guy I have ever met. OPENING CREDITS Mike: This is nice. Phoebe: I know! Mike: You need both hands for that? Phoebe: Yeah, I kinda do. Joey: Phoebe: I'm sorry... I'm sorry. It's obviously way too early for us to be... having that conversation. Mike: Is it? Phoebe: Maybe not, is it? Mike: Okay, when I got divorced, I didn't think I'd feel this way about someone for a really long time... Then again, I didn't think I'd meet someone like you... and... this may be crazy soon, but... I want you to have this... Ooh, five bucks... I love it when that happens, you know... Think no note's there... Phoebe: I know Mike, why don't you keep digging? Mike: Oh, sorry. Phoebe: Oh, it's a key. To be honest, I think I'd prefer the five dollars. Mike: It's to my apartment. Phoebe: Oh wow, ooh! Ooh, big step for Phoebe and Mike. Mike: Yeah, look, and I don't want you to feel like you have to give me your key just because... Phoebe: Oh no, I want to. Mike: Oh, thank God. Phoebe: Yeah... ooh... wow... Even started to think I'd never meet someone that, you know, I wanted to... do this with. Here you go. Mike: Is this cool, huh? Phoebe: It really is. Joey: Rachel: So I don't go back to work for another four weeks, but we would like our nanny to start right away, so that Emma could get a chance to know her. Prospective nanny: Rachel: That's great, great. So do you have any questions for us? Prospective nanny: Not really. Rachel: Allright. Well thank you so much for coming... Ross: Thank you. Rachel: Really nice to meet you... and we'll call you. Prospective nanny: Oh, you know, wait. I do have one question. Do you guys do random drug testing? Ross: Boy, we uhm... hadn't really thought of that. Prospective nanny: That's cool. But... but if you do, I'm gonna need three days notice. Rachel: Okidoki! Wow! We're never gonna find a nanny. Ross: Oh, come on Rach, we will. I promise. We have more interviews And worse comes to worse, we can always reconsider the uhm... the first one we met with. Rachel: What, the blonde with no bra? Ross: She was blonde? Just a sec.! Okay, okay. This one's name is Sandy. She's got a degree in early childhood education, uhm... she worked for her last family for three years. Rachel: Okay... Sandy: Hi... I'm Sandy. Ross: And she's a little mannish... Phoebe: Oh my God! David! David: Hi! I-i-is this a bad time? Phoebe: No! It's a great time, come in...! WOW, hi... Oh my gosh! What are you doing here? Are you back from Minsk? David: Well, just for a couple of days, uhm... I'm here to explain to the people who gave us our grant, why it's a positive thing that we spent all their money and uhm... accomplished uhm... nothing. Phoebe: Who cares, it got you here. David: Well, it got me to New York anyway, and then I got on a cab at the airport, and the guy said where to? and I just... gave him your address I... I... I didn't even think about it. Phoebe: Wow. Where is your luggage? David: Damn it! Phoebe: A-Allright, well... I'll call the cab company. David: Wa... wa... wait! We can... call them later. Can you just... just stand there f-f-for a moment? Boy! There's an old Russian expression, uhm... it goes: Schto ya ztez vigul... ui! Roughly translated that means uhm... This thing that I'm looking at: wow! Phoebe: Thank you! God, no! You should see me when... Oh actually, no, I look pretty good. David: Are... are you kidding? You know, when you don't see someone for a long time, a-a-and you kind of build them up in your head and you start thinking about: Come on, don't be crazy. Nobody is that beautiful, but... well, you are. Phoebe: No... Phoebe: I'm... I'm just... I'm the worst person ever. How can I not tell David that I'm seeing Mike? Monica: Maybe he didn't give you a chance. Phoebe: He said: Are you seeing someone? And I said no... Monica: Oh, well... That had been your window. Phoebe: Yeah! I mean, I don't know. I was just , I was looking, I was looking in his eyes and I was just thinking: Oh my God! It's David. David's here. He's just, he's so irresistible. Monica: Really? The scientist guy? Phoebe: Really? Chandler? Monica: Continue... Phoebe: Oh.Okay, then it gets worse, 'cause then I told him that I would see him tomorrow night. Monica: Phoebe! Phoebe: I know! Evil! And... and... and... I like Mike so much, you know. It's just going really well. Oh my God! Monica: Wow, isn't it ironic that David would show up on the same day that you and Mike exchange keys? Phoebe: Uhuh... Yeah...!, you know. And given my life long search for irony, you can imagine how happy I am. Monica: What are you gonna do? Phoebe: I mean I guess, I just have to... tell David that nothing can happen between us. Unless I don't... You know, complicated moral situation, no right, no wrong... Monica: You have to tell David! Phoebe: Okay, I knew I should have had this conversation with Joey. Chandler: Monica: Heeeeeey! Chandler: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Chandler: So... Oklahoma is a crazy place. You know, they call it the Sooner state. Frankly I'd sooner be in any other state. And what's with Oklahoma having a pan handle? Can all states have stuff like that? Hey yeah, I'm from the waistband, Wyoming. But when I was seven, we headed over to the crotch. Monica: Was your cabin pressurised? Chandler: And don't get me started on the way that people from Tulsa talk. Phoebe: Okay. Chandler: What's with the word y'all? You know, just... two words just... pushed together... Are we all allowed to do that, because if so, I say why stop there? You know, your new poodle could be your noodle. And fried chicken? Could be fricken.Waiter, waiter excuse me, I'll have the fricken? See, that's... that's funny with the fricken, right? Monica: No, it just remind me of something this guy did today at work. I told you about that funny guy, Geoffrey, right? Chandler: Yeah, he came up... Monica: Well, he did this bit... You probably had to be there, but it was Liza Minelli locked in our freezer, eating a raw chicken. Chandler: Were you there? Phoebe: No, but it sounds like it was fricken funny... Sandy: I really do understand how hard it's gotta be to leave your child with another person. I mean, it's leaving behind a piece of your heart... Rachel: Sandy, that's exactly what it is... Ross: Are you gay? Rachel: Ross! Sandy: It's okay. I get that a lot doing what I do. But I am straight. I-I'm engaged actually. Rachel: Oh! Sandy: Her name is Deliah. Rachel: Oh, that's pretty. Ross: So you're just like a... guy who's a nanny? Sandy: I realise how it's... a bit unorthodox for some people, but I really believe, the most satisfying thing you can do with your life, is take care of a child. Ross: Okay. Sandy: Like in my last job, I met Daniel when he was three weeks old. And I got to watch him grow into this awesome person... When I left, I said: I'll see you soon... And he said to me: Skdandy... Ross: Yeah, kids say all kinds of crap. Rachel: Oh God, she mu... she must need her diaper changed. Sandy: Oh, oh, I can do it for her, if you want... Rachel: Oh, that would be great! I love him, I love him, I love him... Ross: Oh, come on, Rach, he's a guy! Rachel: So wh..? He's smart, he's qualified. Give me one good reason we shouldn't try him out. Ross: Because, it's weird! Rachel: Why? Ross: What kind of job is that for a man? A nanny? I-It's like if a woman wanted to be... Rachel: Yes? Ross: King? Sandy: I er... I hope you don't mind. I used some of my home-made lotion on Emma. It's a mixture of calendula and honey cream. It'll dry that rash right up. Plus... It keeps the hands young... Rachel: YES! Sandy you're hired. Sandy: That's great! I'm sorry. It's just... such an emotional thing when you're welcomed into a new family... Rachel: Oooh... ***I really can't hear what she says*** come here. Ross: You gotta be at least bi... COMMERCIAL BREAK Chandler: Hey! I need you to set me up for a joke. Later, when Monica is around, I need you to ask me about fire trucks. Joey: Ooh. I-I don't know Chan. I'm not so good with remembering lines. Chandler: Well, thank God your livelihood doesn't depend on it. Joey: I know, right? Wh... Wh... Why are we doing this? Chandler: Monica says that her Maitre D. is the funniest guy she's ever met. Joey: Seriously? She actually said that? Chandler: Yes! Am I crazy to be this upset? Joey: Nooooo! Being funny is your thing! Chandler: Yeah! Joey: Without that, you just got "lame with women". Chandler: Ye.... Monica: Hi! There you are. Joey: David: Wow, you look even... more beautiful than you did yesterday. Phoebe: Oof... David: In fact, ehm... I going to kiss you now. Phoebe: Oh, wait, wait! David: Yeah, I-I don't, I can't get away with stuff like that. I-I-It sounded sexy in my head, so I... Phoebe: No, no, it's not that. Uhm... Remember when you asked me if I was seeing someone and I said no? Well, uhm... I am. His ... his name is Mike. David: Oh... oh... Phoebe: Yeah, I should have told you. David: No... well, yeah. Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. David: Well, i-it's okay. I-I-I understand... Well, s... well, are you happy with this guy? Phoebe: I am happy. David: Damn it! I-I'm sorry. I-I don't mean that. I-I want you to be happy... But only with me. No, uhm... that's not fair. Uh, who cares, leave him!. Oh, I don't mean that. Yes I do... I'm sorry Uhm, I... I think I should probably uhm... go... Phoebe: Well... but David, just... I just want you to know that... that... you know... telling you this... is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. David: Well... just so you know... hearing it wasn't exactly a Vladnik carnival either... Can we at least hug goodbye? Phoebe: Of course, yeah. You know, a kiss on the cheek wouldn't be totally inappropriate... David: No... no... Phoebe: I mean... David: In Minsk... Phoebe: Yeah? David: ...it's uhm... i-it's two on each cheek and uhm... and one on the lips. Phoebe: Well, if that's what they do in Minsk... Rachel: Hi... Ross: Is everything allright? Rachel: Oh yeah, it's fine, it's fine. Sandy was just... was just telling me about how he proposed to his fiancée and it was just sooo beautiful. Sandy: Well, her favourite flower is the camellia. From the poem... Rachel: I can't... I can't hear it again. Sandy: You know, I can't tell it again... Ross: And I'm fine never having heard it... Rach, can I... can I see you for a sec? Rachel: Yeah! Ross: Do you realise that man has cried in our apartment three times...? Huh? I haven't cried that many times since I moved in. Rachel: Look, Ross, he's just... Sandy is just sensitive, that's all. Ross: Rachel: What...? Too sensitive to take care of our baby? Ross: These are amazing! Rachel: Sandy made Madeleines. Ross: This... this is exactly what I'm talking about. What kind of a guy makes... makes... delicate French cookies, huh? They're not even... butch, manly cookies with... with... you know with... with chunks. Rachel: Well, I... you know, I-I-I don't know what to say... I mean, I never thought of you as a guy who needed his men to be men. You know, 'cause I gotta tell you Ross, it not like you just came in from branding cattle. Ross: Hey... there's sensitive... and there is too sensitive. Rachel: Okay, what? What is too sensitive? Phoebe: Hmmm... No, no... No, I can't do this. It's bad. David: But... I-I-It's nice... A-a-and... nice is good. A-a-and good is not bad, ergo, w-w-we should keep kissing. Phoebe: No, no. No. David: But... ergo... Phoebe: Look David, if... if you had never left, then... yeah, we'd probably still be together right now, but... you did leave, and I-I'm with Mike and I really care about him... David: Uhm... uhm... Goodbye... Uh... Schto ya ztez vigul... ui... Mike: Well... hey, the key works...! Phoebe: And you thanks for the face massage. Thank you. Ross: Did Rachel tell you we hired a male nanny? Monica: Yeah! I think that's great! Ross: Oh really? Did she tell you he plays the recorder, recites poetry and bakes Madeleines? Monica: Oh... How are they? Ross: Joey: Hey! Ross: Hey...! Rachel and I hired a male nanny. Joey: Really...? Guys do that...? That's... weird... Ross: Thank you! Joey: That's like a woman wanting to be a... Ross: ...a what? A what? What's the end of that sentence? Monica: Yes... What is the end of that sentence? Joey: Uhm... A penis model. Anyway, hey... Did you tell Chandler that some guy from work is the funniest guy you've ever met? Monica: Yeah, so? Ross: Wow! Joey: Really? Do you not know Chandler? Monica: Is that why he's acting so weird...? He's jealous...? Oh my God, that is crazy. It's not like I'm attracted to Geoffrey... Joey: So what? Being funny is Chandler's thing... You know, like Ross's thing is... Ross: Science...? Academia...? Being a good father...? Joey: ...No... Monica: I can't believe he's that upset about this... Joey: Monica, you have to do some damage control here, okay. 'Cause he's feeling like... Chandler: Hey! Joey: Heeeyy! Hey! Chandler: What are you guys talking about? Ross: Uhm... Rachel and I hired a male nanny. Chandler: You got a man who's a nanny...? You got a manny...? Chandler: You know, I don't mind a... male nanny, but I do draw the line at a male wetnurse. Monica: Ohhh, ooohhh... you are on a roll, mister! Chandler: If I'd known you guys were coming over, I would have brought more pizza. Monica: Okay, okay... Chandler you... you stop it! Chandler: What is so funny about that? Monica: Well, I don't know... I-It's... just the way you say it... I mean, you're funny... You have that funny thing. You're a funny guy! Chandler: Did you tell her what we talked about? Joey: Yeah.... Chandler: So those were pity laughs? PITY LAUGHS? Monica: Honey, listen... You have nothing to worry about with Geoffrey. Chandler: Oh yeah? Is he funnier than me? Monica: Well, you're... you're different funny... I mean, you're... you're more sarcastic a-a-and... well, he does... bits... and impressions... and... and limericks... Chandler: I do limericks... uhm... There once was a man named Chandler, whose wife made him die inside. Monica: Honey, you know I think you're hilarious! Come on, you know that joke you told me last week? The one about Jerry Lewis and the girl with the lazy eye...? That slayed me. Ross: Hey... I made up that joke and told it to you! Joey: Not knowing when to shut up... Ross: Yep! That's my thing... COMMERCIAL BREAK Mike: So... how many guys have your key? Phoebe: No, no, no, no, no... It's not... it's not... i'ts not as bad as it looks... really. I was just saying goodbye to an old friend. Mike: Your lipstick's on his mouth. David: Oh, uh... we just uh... happen to wear the same shade. Phoebe: No, uhm... David and I did use to go out... but years ago, and he lives in Minsk. He's only... he's only in town for a couple of days. Mike: Did you uhm... Phoebe: No, no... Mike: ...kiss him? Phoebe: Oh, well, yeah... David: Yes, but uhm... You should know... she really likes you. I-In fact I-I-I don't think you realise j-just how lucky you are fella. Mike: Don't point your finger at me. David: Why? Wh-What are you going to do about it? Mike: Well... I'll... just show you what I'm gonna do about it... Phoebe: Stop it! Stop it, before someone gets really hurt! Here David, you should just go. David: Allright... But... if I ever do come back from Minsk... well, you just better watch out. Mike: Well, if I ever goto Minsk, you'd better watch out. David: Oh, you're going to Minsk? Mike: Well, I might. David: Really? Well, if you do, come in the spring. It's just lovely there. Phoebe: Okay, well... guys? David: Right... Goodbye Phoebe. Mike: Hey, what are you kidding me? David: Right-o, right-o... Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. If you... If you want your key back, I totally understand. Mike: It's never gonna happen again right? Phoebe: Right! Never! Never! I swear! David: I-I... Oh I...I just wanna say uhm... if you do ever come to Minsk, that's my number Joey: Yeah! Allright! Hey, hey Ross. Check it out! Sandy taught me Hot-cross Buns. Ross: Really? Sounded like Three Blind Mice. Joey: Noooo... Three Blind Mice goes like this... Ross: Sandy: Who's up for puppets? Joey: Me! I'm up for puppets! Sandy: Well, please welcome... The Snufflebumps... Who wants to be mr. Wigglemunch and who's gonna be the Grumpus? Ross: Okay, okay... How exactly is a two month old supposed to appreciate puppets? Sandy: Actually studies have shown that the movement and colours help their cerebral development... The whimsical characters are just for us. Joey: I wanna be mr. Wigglemunch. Ross: Oh my God! Sandy: Well, I guess we know who's gonna be the Grumpus... Rachel: That was kind of rude! Ross: Oh, I'm sorry. Please apologise to Sandy and the Snufflebumps for me. Rachel: You know, he was just doing his job... Ross: Well, you know what... I-I'm sorry I'm the only one who isn't in love with Gary Poppins out there... But I just... I can't... I can't go through with this. Rachel: Oh, come on Ross... Ross: No! Hey, you know what? I'm sorry. I would never force you... to hire someone you were this uncomfortable with... Rachel: Oh... That's true. Ross: Thank you! Rachel: Well, you're the one who wants to fire him, so you're gonna have to do it. Sandy: So you see Wigglemunch, that's why it's important to shaaaaaaare... Joey: I am learning so much from you. Chandler: Well, I'm off to Tulsa, so if your Maitre D. friend has any funny Oklahoma jokes, tell him to e-mail me at www.hahanotsomuch.com. Monica: Honey, you can relax. Last night at work, Geoffrey told this really sexist joke. After that, not so funny anymore. Chandler: Really...? See... that's the thing: you gotta keep it smart, people! Monica: Okay, don't miss that flight. You know I love you. Chandler: I love you too. Joey: Allright. See you later! Chandler: See ya! Joey: Did that guy really make that joke? Monica: Naaaa... He still kills me. Last night he had me laughing so hard, I swear... a little pee came out. Ross: Here goes... Rachel: I can't watch. It's like firing Elmo. Ross: Sandy... Hi, we uhm... we kinda need to talk. I'm afraid it's not working out. Sandy: Oh... Ross: Yeah, uhm... I mean, Rachel and I, think you are great... with Emma... uhm... We just feel... Rachel: YOU! You feel! Ross: I... just feel that the... the chemistry isn't right. I'm sorry. We're... we're more than happy to give you good recommendation... Sandy: Oh, no, no, no... That's okay. I got a lot of offers from other families. I just picked you guys because... I liked you the best. Rachel: Oh, damn you Geller! Ross: Anyway, uhm...Well, I'm glad there's no hard feelings. Sandy: No, none at all. You need to be happy with whoever is in your home... Although if you don't mind telling me, what was your problem? Maybe it's something I can work on in the future. Ross: No, you know, it's uhm... nothing you did, it's... it's uhm... my issue. Sandy: What is it...? Ross: You know, I'm just not uhm... that comfortable with a guy who's as sensitive as you. Sandy: That's fair... Although, can I ask... why do you think that is? Ross: Why... I... I don't know. Uhm... errrr... maybe... maybe because of my father? Sandy: hmmm... Ross: I mean, uhm... you know when I was growing up he was kind of a tough guy... You know a-a-and as a kid I wasn't the athlete I am now. Rachel: Huh ha ha! Ross: I play squash...! Anyway, uhm... I uhm... I always get the feeling he thought I was too sensitive. Sandy: That must have been hard. Ross: It was hard... I remember... I was in my bedroom... playing with my dinosaurs... playing and learning... and my father walks in and says... he says... "What are you doing with those things? What's wrong with you, why aren't you... why aren't you outside playing like a... like a real boy? Sandy: But you are a real boy! Ross: I know I am! ...And when it's summer, and it's hot, why can't you wear a tank top? Sandy: It's allright! Crying is good. It lets the boo-hoos out. Ross: Here come some more... COMMERCIAL BREAK Sandy/Grumpus: And what's the one kind of boat that can never, ever sink? Joey/Wigglemunch: What kind? Sandy/Grumpus: A friend-ship... Joey: Wow! You blow my mind... Sandy: Oh, I gotta go. Joey: Aaahh... How much do I owe you? Sandy: Twenty bucks. Joey: It's like the cheapest college ever. END Written by: Robert Carlock Transcribed by: Coffee Mug Dedicated to the great work of Eric Aasen, Guineapig and many, many more. Ross: And that's why, no matter what mommy says, we really were on a break. I'm a terrible father! OPENING CREDITS Chandler: Hi! Joey: Hey... hey listen... What do you guys know about investments? Chandler: How come? Joey: Well, I'm starting to make good money on the show and I'm thinking... I should probably do something with it. Monica: What do you do with your money now? Joey: Well, I just tape it to the back of my toilet tank. I didn't say that! It's in a bank guarded by robots! Chandler: Do you have any ideas? Joey: Uh, yeah... This guy at work got me excited about going in on an emu farm. That'd be kinda cool huh? Pitchin' in on the weekends, helping to plant the emus... Monica: Joe... Emus are birds. You raise them for meat. Joey: Monica: Joey, I think you should consider something a little less risky. I mean, I think in this market, real estate is your best investment.The Fed. just lowered the rates and the interest on your mortgage is totally deductible. That's right, I know some stuff! Joey: Real estate, huh? Hmmm... Monica: Oh, and you know who's selling a great apartment? Richard! Chandler: Oh, and you know whose knowledge of her ex-boyfriend is shocking? Monica! Monica: My dad told me. They play golf together. Chandler: Oh, well... Maybe I'll join them some time. I just hope the club doesn't slip out of my hand and beat the moustache off his face. Phoebe: Hi! Rachel and Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Listen! You have to help me pick a dress 'cause I'm meeting Mike's parents tonight! Monica: Wow, the boyfriend's parents! That's a big step. Phoebe: Really? That hadn't occurred to me. Monica: They just gonna love you, just be yourself. Phoebe: They live on the upper east side on Park Avenue! Rachel: Oh yeah, she can't be herself. Phoebe: Okay, so... allright... Which dress? You can say "neither". Rachel and Monica: Oh God, neither! Monica: I'm sorry honey, but we're gonna take you shopping. It's gonna be fine. Rachel: Yeah, totally! You are in such good hands. And I'm so good with meeting parents. With the father, you know, you want to flirt a little bit, but not in a gross way. Just kind of like: "Oh mr. Pincer, I can see where Wallis gets his good looks..." Monica: You went out with Wallis Pincer? Rachel: Uh, he took the SAT's for me. Monica: I knew you didn't get a 1400! Rachel: Ssshyeah, well, duh! I mean... Phoebe: So... now... What about with Mike's mom? Rachel: Oh, with the mother, just... just constantly tell her how amazing her son is. Take it from me, moms love me. Ross's mom one time actually said I'm like the daughter that she never had. Monica: She said WHAT? Phoebe: Rachel: Hi. Ross: Hi. Rachel: I just finished getting Phoebe all dressed to meet Mike's parents. She's so nervous, it's so sweet! Ross: Guess what? I made Emma laugh today. Rachel: You WHAT? And I missed it? Because I was giving a makeover to that stupid hippie? Ross: Yeah, and it was uhm... it was like a real little person laugh too. It was... it was like uhm... Only... only not creepy. Rachel: Well... well, what did you do to make her laugh? Ross: I uhm... Well, I sang... Rachel: You WHAT? You sang... to our baby daughter... a song about a guy who likes to have sex with women with giant asses? Ross: But you know what, if you think about it, it actually promotes a healthy uhm... body image... because... even big butts or uhm... juicy doubles. Rachel: owwwww... Ross: Please don't take her away from me! Catherine: Oh hi, come on in. I'm Catherine, the listing agent. Joey: Hi I'm Joey. This is Chandler. Chandler: So how come Richard's selling the place? Went bankrupt? Medical malpractice? Choked on his own moustache? Catherine: Actually, he is buying a much bigger place. It's got a great view of Central Pa..... Chandler: mmm That's enough about you! Joey: Is there anything we should know about the apartment? Catherine: All the appliances are included. There is a lot of light, a new kitchen... I think you guys would be very happy here... Chandler: No, no, no, no, no, NO! No, no... we're not together. We're not a couple. We're definately not a couple. Catherine: Oh... Okay, sorry! Joey: Well, you seem pretty insulted by that. What? I'm not good enough for you? Chandler: We're not gonna have this conversation again... Look at this place. Why am I so intimidated by this guy? Pretentious art, this huge macho couch. When we know all he does is sit around all day crying about losing Monica to a real man! Joey: You know what it is? It's a nice place but I gotta see I don't know if I see myself living here. Oh, oh, oh, let me see... Yeah, I could see it. Chandler: Look at these videos. You know, I mean, who does he think he is? Magnum Force, Dirty Harry, Cool Hand Luke... Oh my God! Joey: What? Chandler: There's a tape here with Monica's name on it. Joey: Ooh! A tape with a girls name on it. It's probably a sex tape... Chandler: Get there faster! Mike: Wow! You look like... like my mom. Phoebe: I'm wearing pantyhose! Mike: Great! Come on in! Phoebe: Oh, thank you! Oh... Oh my God, you're RICH! Mike: No, my parents are rich. Phoebe: Yeah, so... They gotta die someday. HELLO! Mike: Mom, dad, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, these are my parents: Theodore and Bitsy. Phoebe: Theodore... Bitsy... What a delight! Bitsy: It's so nice to finally meet you! Phoebe: And you... Your home is lovely. Bitsy: Well thank you, I'll give you a tour later. It's actually three floors. Phoebe: Holy crap! Bitsy: Phoebe, why don't you come in the living room and meet our friends? Phoebe: Oh, try and stop me! Mike: Hey... Wh... What are you doing? Phoebe: I'm trying to get your parents to like me. Mike: Yeah, I'm sure they will, but you don't have to do this... I'm wanting them to get to know Phoebe, not Phoebe... Phoebe: Got it! It... It's hard to stop... Mike: Well, come on... Theodore: Phoebe, these are our friends, Tom and Sue Angle. Bitsy: Phoebe, come sit. Tell us a little bit about yourself... So where are you from? Phoebe: So... where does everyone summer? COMMERCIAL BREAK Phoebe: God! God! This is not going well. Mike: No, no, no, you're doing fine, really... Why don't you go talk to my dad? Phoebe: Okay, okay, okay, okay... Still sure about me being myself? Mike: Absolutely! Or maybe just a little less pimp spit. Phoebe: So Theodore... I uhm... I can see where Mike gets his good looks from... Theodore: Oh... Well... Phoebe: Yeah... And that physique! You must work out all the time... Theodore: Oh no, not all the time... I do the best I can... Phoebe: Yeah I bet! Look out! Theodore: OH! OWWWWW! Phoebe: Oh my God, are you okay? Theodore: I recently had surgery. Phoebe: I'm so sorry! Theodore: No, I'll be fine... I just should check the stitches... Phoebe: I really, really am sorry. Theodore: How could you know. Why wouldn't you punch me in the stomach? Mike: Uhm... Did you just hit my dad? Phoebe: Yes... I'm sorry, I've never met a boyfriends parents before... Mike: But, I mean, you have met... humans before, right? Look, why don't you go talk to my mom? Phoebe: Yeah okay... yeah, your mom... okay... She looks nice, I can talk to her. Mike: Yeah, you do that, and I go check my dad for signs of internal bleeding. Phoebe: Yeah... Oh Bitsy, hi. Uhm... listen I just wanted to thank you again for having me here tonight. Bitsy: Well, not at all... Phoebe: Also uhm... I just want you to know what a wonderful man your son is. Bitsy: Thank you, I think so too. Phoebe: Well, and you know, it really is a testament to how he was raised. Especially to you. Because he's very respectful of women. Bitsy: Is he really? Phoebe: Are you kidding. He is so considerate of my feelings and... you know I think... you'd also like to know that he is a very gentle lover. Bitsy: E-e-excuse me? Phoebe: Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't get me wrong. No, he's not in like a sissy way. No, no, no... when he gets going, he can rattle a headboard like a sailor on leave... Bitsy: That's... my boy. Mike: Awesome! Chandler: I'm not gonna watch it... I don't NEED to watch it... I mean, what good could possibly come from watching? Joey: Hey dude, what's up? Chandler: Don't judge me, I'm only human! Joey: Did you take that tape? Chandler: I had to! Okay, imagine you were married... and you found a tape of your wife in another guys' apartment... Wouldn't you need to know what was on it? Joey: I don't know. Who'm I'm married to? Chandler: Some girl...!? Joey: She hot? Chandler: Yeah...!? Joey: How did she get me to settle down? Chandler: Allright, I'm gonna watch it... I mean look, it's probably not even what I think it is... And even if it is... It can't possibly be as bad as what I'm picturing in my head... Can it? Joey: Guess I don't know. My experience: if a girl says yes to being taped... She doesn't say no to much else, I tell ya... Chandler: Then you're gonna have to watch it for me. Joey: What? Whoo... What? Chandler: Just for a few seconds, so I can know what it is... Please? Joey: All right, fine... But if I enjoy this, you have only yourself to blame... Chandler: Why am I hearing cheering? Joey: Well it's okay, its like... its just a football game. Chandler: Football? Just football? Joey: Yeah, see... you were all worried for nothing. Chandler: It's football... It's just football... This is great! This is the first time I've ever enjoyed football... It may be customary to get a beer... What are you doing? Joey: You don't wanna see what I just saw! Monica: What are you guys doing? Rachel: Okay... aahhh... Please laugh for mommy... Please? Please laugh for mommy... Ross: Hey! Rachel: Oh you missed it. She was laughing. Oh it was amazing. It was amazing. It was the most beautiful, beautiful sound that... Ross: Oh I know, isn't it? Ooh... what'd you do to get her to laugh? Rachel: Oh! You know, I just... couple of things I tried ... I just sang a little doo... Itsy Bitsy Spider... Ross: You sang Baby Got Back didn't you? Rachel: Nothing else worked. That girl is all about the ass... Phoebe: ...and then it goes back to the chorus... Smelly cat, Sme-lly ca-t / I-t's not your fau-lt. And that's the end of the song... I realise that you didn't ask to hear it, but uhm... no-one had spoken in seventeen minutes. Mike: Phoebe writes lots of great songs. Wha... What was that one you sang the other night that everybody just loved? Phoebe: Oh, Pervert Parade? Mike: No... Phoebe: Oh, Ode To A Pubic Hair? Mike: Stop! Phoebe: Oh God! Is that veal? Mike: Mom, I thought I told you... Phoebe's a vegetarian. Bitsy: Oh! Phoebe: Oh no, no, no, no... That's okay, that's okay... I mean, I'm... I am a vegetarian... except for veal... Yeah no, veal I love... Mike: Phoebe you don't have to eat... Phoebe: No, no, no, I actually it's any baby animals: kittens, fish babies... You know... especially veal... and this, this nice vein of fat running through it... Mike: So...? What do you think? Monica: So you stole that tape from Richard's apartment? Chandler: Whoho ho... Listen to the judgement from the porn star! Monica: That tape was never meant to be seen by... Joey I would feel more comfortable if I was having this conversation in private. Joey: Monica: Why in the world would you take this tape and and why would you watch it? Chandler: Because that's who I am, okay? I'm sure a mature man like Richard could see a tape like that and it wouldn't bother him. Just'd be another saucy anecdote for him to share at his men's club over brandy and moustaches. Monica: Is all this about you not being able to grow a moustache? Chandler: This is about you and Richard. He's clearly not over you. He keeps a tape so he can... look at it whenever he wants. Monica: Isn't that sad? I mean, can you see how pathetic that is? You shouldn't be jealous. You should feel bad for him. Chandler: Oh, yeah, well, poor Richard. Y'... I can grow a moustache! Monica: Chandler, this is not our problem. We've got each other. That's all that matters. Chandler: Yeah, oh, but I just keep picturing you rolling around with him with your cowboy boots in the air... Monica: Cowboy boots? I've never worn cowboy boots in my whole life! Chandler: Oh, good, good. Play more, 'cause I wanna see how it ends. Monica: THAT'S NOT ME! Chandler: What...? That's not you! Life is good again! Ride 'em cowgirl! Monica: That bastard taped over me! Chandler: Is that a problem? Monica: I-It's just so insulting! Big spring for a new blank tape, Doctor! Theodore: I can't imagine what he sees in her. Bitsy: She actually makes me miss that pill-popping ex-wife of his. Oh, hello dear... Mike: Hey, what's going on? Bitsy: We were just chit-chatting. How's your friend? Mike: A little better. Bitsy: By the way, do you know who's moving back into town? Tom and Sue's daughter Jen. Theodore: You remember her Michael, she's lovely and... well behaved and... single. Mike: I'm not interested. Bitsy: Oh, please darling, let's be honest. You can have all the... sailor fun you want with that one, but... let's be real... Mike: All right, stop! You know, all Phoebe has done tonight is trying to get you to like her. And maybe that hasn't been clear all the time, but she did her best. And yeah... She's a little different than you are... Bitsy: Michael, a pimp spit in her mouth! Mike: So what? I mean if even I can get past that, it shouldn't bother you. And you don't have to like her. You just have to accept the fact that I do. I mean, if you even can't be civil to the woman I love... Bitsy: The woman you what? Phoebe: Yeah... The woman you what? Mike: The woman I love... I love you... Which is probably something I shouldn't say for the first time in front of my parents... and Tom and Sue...Who are by the way the most sinfully boring I've ever met in my life... Phoebe: I love you too... Mike: You do? Phoebe: YEAH...! How great is this...? Mike: Wanna get out of here? Phoebe: Okay. Mike: Mom, dad, thanks for dinner. Phoebe: I had a great time. It was really top drawer. And here's something rich: thirteen bathrooms in this place... I threw up in the coat closet... Ta taaa... COMMERCIAL BREAK Ross: She sweat, wet. got it going like a turbo 'vette. Rachel: So fellas Ross: Yeah! Rachel: fellas Ross: Yeah! Rachel: has your girlfriend got the butt? Ross: Hell yeah! Rachel: So shake it! Ross: Shake it! Rachel: Shake it! Ross: Shake it! Rachel: Shake that nasty butt... Ross: Baby got back Rachel: One more time from the top... I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other br... Ross: Rachel please! That is so inappropriate! END Monica: Hey Hon, could you help me get the plates down? Chandler: Yeah. Hey, here's an idea, why don't we use our wedding china today? Monica: No, I think we should save our china for something really special. Like if the Queen of England comes over. Chandler: Honey, she keeps canceling on us, take the hint. Monica: What if something gets broken, they're so expensive. Chandler: What is the point of having them if we never use them? Monica: Ok, but if something gets broken, and then the Queen comes over.. Chandler: I will explain it to her. Monica: Oh yeah, like I'm going to let you talk to the queen. Joey: wow, the parade is really good this year. Man those horses can crap. TV announcer: Next up is a marching band from Muskogee, OK. Chandler: Muskogee! That's like four hours from Tulsa. Woo hoo! TV announcer: And heres the float with the stars of the popular daytime soap Days of Our Lives . Joey: Oh my God! Chandler: Aren't you one of the stars of the popular daytime soap Days of Our Lives? Joey: Yeah! I totally forgot I'm supposed to be there. I can't believe I forgot. I usually write stuff like this on my arm. Oh! Stupid long sleeves. Chandler: What are you going to do? Joey: I guess I'm going to have to come up with a really good reason why I wasn't there. The producers are going to be so mad at me. They sat us all down yesterday and said "Everyone has to be there at 6:00 AM sharp, that means you Tribbiani." Like.. like I was some kind of idiot. Chandler: Well you proved them wrong. Joey nods: Yeah. Opening Credits Ross and Rachels Apartment Rachel to Emma: Oh Emma. This is going to be your first Thanksgiving. What are you thankful for? Mommy's bobbies. Ross: A lot of people are thankful for those. Woman at door: Hello? Rachel? Rachel: Who is it? Woman at door: It's your favorite sister. Ross and Rachel while looking at each other surprised and shocked: Jill? Woman at door in a sing song voice: Amy. Rachel: Hide my rings. Rachel: Oh. Amy! Happy Thanksgiving. Amy: Do you have a hair straightener? Rachel: Um... hi. Amy: oh... hi.. Rachel: Aw. Amy: Hair Straightener? Rachel: I haven't seen you in like.. a year. Amy: Oh, I know, I know. I've just been crazed. Rachel: Oh well yeah me too. Um.. I had a baby. Amy: I decorated Dad's office. Rachel: Oh.. yeah? Well unless you pushed a desk out of your vagina, not the same thing. Amy: Listen, um about the hair straightener, honey.. I really need one. I'm going to have dinner at my boyfriend's house. Amy: Oh my God! Rachel: mh hmm.. Amy: Is this Emmett? Rachel: Uh.... its Emma. Amy: Its a girl? Ross: Hey Amy. Rachel: Oh Amy, you remember Ross. Amy: Not really. But you are much cuter then that geeky guy she used to date. Ross: That was me. Amy: No, he was this creepy guy from high school who had this huge crush on her since like the ninth grade. Ross with a look of wondering how long this is going to go on on his face: Still me. Amy: No, I'm not talking about you. It was your fat friends brother with that bad afro, do you remember? Ross starts talking over her 'do you remember' line: Amy. I'm going to save you some time, ok. All me. Monica and Chandler's Apartment. Monica: Careful. Careful. CAREFUL! Sorry. Chandler: I'll tell you what, for the rest of our lives, I'll be careful until told otherwise. hey wait a minute this isn't the china we picked out.. Monica: I know, after you left the store, I chose different ones. Chandler: Why? Monica: well no offense honey, but your taste is a little feminine for me. Chandler: Oh suddenly, flowers are feminine? Phoebe: Hey, everybody. Happy Thanksgiving! Joey: Hey happy Thanksgiving.. Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey, what's going on Joe? Joey: I.. I.. I need a good lie. Phoebe: Oh okay. How about the whole "man walking on the moon" thing. You know? You. you could. You could see the strings people! Joey: No, no, no I need a good lie to explain why I wasn't at a work thing today. Phoebe: Ooh, honey. You stink at lying. Joey: I do not. Phoebe: Oh really. Okay. let me ask you something. Yesterday at the coffee house, I went to the bathroom and when I came back, my muffin was gone-who took it? Joey: Somebody opened the door to the coffee house and a raccoon came running in, went straight for your muffin and I said "Hey don't eat that-that's Phoebe's" and he said.. He said.. "Joey you stink at lying." What am I going to do? Phoebe: Don't worry, don't worry. We'll come up with a good lie. I'll help you practice it. Joey: Oh great, that'd be great. Thank you. Phoebe: Sure, what.. what was the work thing? Joey: Uh.. Phoebe: "Pick up grandma at the airport"? Joey: Oh.. man.. Ross and Rachel's Apartment. Amy with straight hair: Oh she's precious. Do you ever worry she's going to get your real nose? Rachel: Amy! Amy: Hello? Yeah, um. Hang on one sec. Can I take this upstairs? Ross: Sure, we don't live there but... Amy: Seriously? Its.. its just these rooms? I thought you were a doctor. Rachel: Yeah, no. Ross has a PhD. Amy: Ew. Rachel: God she is unbelievable. Ross: I know, I mean a PhD is just as good as an MD. Rachel: Oh sure Ross, yeah. If I have a heart attack in a restaurant, I want you there with your fossil brush. Amy storms out: Stupid Thanksgiving. Rachel: What? What happened? Amy: My boyfriend canceled on me. I mean.. I I finally find a real relationship. I mean, someone that I can spend this day with and then his wife comes back into town. I swear, its almost not worth dating married guys. Ross: Don't say that. Amy: Oh. I was so looking forward to this. It was going to be such a beautiful Thanksgiving. We were going to have sushi. Rachel: Oh Amy, don't cry Amy.  Um.. Ross, could I talk to you in private? Ross: Sure, you want to go upstairs? Rachel: Um look I was thinking.. If its ok with Monica I would like to invite Amy to Thanksgiving. Ross: You know, I think thats a great idea. It'll be like the pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis. Rachel: Look I know she's a little tough to take. She has no where else to go, and she's my sister. Alright, she's Emma's aunt. And I would like them to bond. Ross: Ok, fine, but I don't want them bonding to much. I don't want her telling Emma she needs a nose job. Rachel: Ross, you know what? She may need one..We're just going to have to make our peace with that! Monica and Chandler's apartment Rachel opens their door: Hi. Everyone there says: Hi, hey. Rachel: Hey you guys, this is my sister Amy.  This is Chandler, Joey, Phoebe and you know Mon. Everyone: Hi. Amy: Oh my god. You're on Days of Our Lives. Joey laughs: Yeah. Amy: wow. They must put a lot of makeup on you. Joey looks rejected: Hap.. Hap.. Happy Thanksgiving. Ross to Monica: Hi. Monica to Ross: Hi. Monica to Emma: Hey you. Monica to Amy: So. Welcome. Is this your first time you're seeing Emma? Amy with confused look on face: Yeah I.. I think so. It's nice to meet you Emma. Phoebe shakes her hand and says: Phoe-Be. Amy: Oh. That's a funny noise. Joey: Pheebs, I still need some help here Phoebe: Oh right, ok um. Ok so its not just the lie you tell. but its the way you tell it. . For example if you look down at the ground when you're talking, people know you're lying. Joey: Oh.. I don't know why this is so hard for me. you know.. I mean lying is basically just acting and I am a terrfic actor. Phoebe looks down: You are a terrific actor. Amy coming out of the bathroom: Hey. Hey where's the baby? Rachel: Oh we just put her down for a nap. Amy: Oh I was just thinking. You know what would be incredible? If you guys died. Ross first has a look of 'huh' then changes it to sarcastic happy: Thank you Amy. Amy: no, no, then I would get the baby. I mean you know it would be just like a movie. Like at first I wouldn't know what to do with her, then I would rise to the occasion and and then I would get a makeover and then I'd get married. Phoebe: Thats a great movie. Amy: Now listen, not that you guys could stop me or anything cause you know you'd be dead. I was thinking about changing her name. I'm just not really a big fan of Emily. Ross: Emma. Amy turns around to Phoebe: Emma, Ross wants you. Phoebe: PHOE-BE. Amy turns to Ross and Rachel: Why does she keep making that noise? Rachel: Honey, I don't know how to tell you this, but um, if something were to happen to Ross or to myself um you wouldn't get the baby. Amy: Well who would? Ross: Well we haven't offically asked them yet, but we would want Monica and Chandler. Chandler: I can't believe you'd want us to raise Emma. Monica: yeah oh my god, I'm so moved. Amy: I don't believe this, hold on a second. You guys die and I don't get your baby? Rachel: See look Amy, we're a lot closer to Monica and Chandler. We see them every day. And truthfully honey, you don't seem very connected to the baby. Amy: Connected? I mean.. to what? She's.. she's  a lump. Chandler: You know, guys I got to say. This means so much to me. That you would trust me with your child. I mean, we all know that Monica and I have been trying to have a baby of our own. You know I've had my doubts about my skills as a father, but that you two.. that you two.... Amy: This guy? Seriously? Later in the day. Monica: Okay! It's time for dinner. Everyone we're using our fancy china.. um and its very expensive so please be careful. Ross starts playing with a plate: Woah. Woah... Woah. Monica: Okay, just to be clear comedy with the plates will not be well recieved. Ross makes some sort of sound to let us know it hurt. Joey: Hey! How come my plate's less fancy then everyone else's? Do you not trust me with a fancy plate? Monica: No, honey, its. thats a special plate.  See its a game, whoever gets that plate wins. Joey: I can't believe I won. Amy: Its such a slap in the face. I'm your sister and you would give your baby to these strangers over me. Rachel: Monica is Ross' sister. Amy: No, Ross' sister was really fat. Monica: That was me. Amy: No, she was this really dorky girl in high school that used to follow Rachel around like a puppy dog. Rachel: Hey. Amy. You've got to stop doing that. Monica about to have a heart attack: Okay, listen I know you're having a little bit of a family crisis, but you don't have to take it out on the plates. I mean, I mean in fact I think that everyone should cut their food like this. Monica: Now see, this way you protect the plate.. and lets face it you have fun. Amy: Okay, how about this, you guys die and the crazy plate lady dies, then do I get the baby? Chandler: No, if crazy plate lad.. If Monica dies then I would get Emma, Right? Rachel: Well actually... Chandler: Actually what? Ross: well.. its just. its just in that case, then um. Emma would go to my parents. Chandler: What? Amy: Hurts, doesn't it? Joey raises his hand: Uh.. who has to die for me to get her? Commercial Break. Chandler: So if Monica's not around, then I'm not good enough to raise Emma? Ross looks down: No,  that that is not what we're saying. Joey: Yeah he's lying. He looked down. Chandler: Well what is wrong with me? Am I .. am I incomptent? Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you! Rachel: Honey, you're taking this the wrong way. We think you're going to be a wonderful parent. It's just.. you're more the fun parent. Ross: Yeah and we'd want to make sure Emma has someone like Monica who is more uh. uh discliplinarin.. someone who can be firm and strict. Monica: Thats not how you see me, is it? Phoebe while cutting a sweet potatoe in the air: No you're all about the fun. Chandler: Look, I may not know a lot about babies, but do you really think I'm not capable? Ross: No, you both are equally capable. Its just.. you're strongest when.. when you're together. Chandler: Ok. So if we both had Emma and I die   she'd have to give her up. Ross: Sure, Monica would have to give her up. Joey: I lie better then that, right? Chandler: So.. let me get this straight. So my two friends die, I get Emma. Then my wife dies, then Emma the one tiny ray of hope left in my life gets taken away from me? Phoebe: There's your movie! Later on. Monica opens her front door. Chandler is sitting in the hallway. Monica: Hey. There you are. You disappeared after dinner. Chandler: Oh? Did somebody miss me? Is there a child to raise poorly? Monica: Ross and Rachel don't know what they're talking about. I mean its not like their so responsible. Emma is a product of a bottle of Merlot and a five year old condom. Chandler: Yeah but they're right. I mean, I'm not a strong father figure and I never will be. Monica: No you learn these things. You grow into it. Chandler: Yeah, but its not who I am. Everything they said was exaclty why I was worried about having a kid. And its true. And look everybody knows it. Monica: I don't know it! I want to have a kid with you because I think you're going to be an amazing dad... at the fun parts and the hard parts. Chandler: Oh yeah, well can you picture me saying "Go to your room! You're grounded"? Monica: Can you hear me say "You're grounded"? Chandler: You said that to me last week. Monica: How hard is it? No shoes on the furniture. Back to Monica and Chandler's apartment. Amy is sitting on a chair by the bay window looking mad. Joey groans and gets off the phone: The producer from Days left a message on my machine asking why I wasn't at the parade. They said everybody's pissed off at me.. And they all got to meet Santa! Phoebe: It's ok. I thought of the perfect lie for you. It's easy to remember and doesn't invite a lot of questions. You weren't at the parade because you had a family emergency. Joey: Oh, I like that, yeah. Wasn't at the parade because I had a family emergency. Phoebe: Ooh, what happened? Joey all nervous and looking down and fiddling with his ear: Oh.. My sister's raccoon. Phoebe: No! Nothing with a raccoon. Joey: Arg... Alright, I'll take care of it. Monica and Chandler come through the front door. Monica: Oh wait.. What are you doing? Joey: Setting the table. Phoebe: Yeah we thought it would be nice to use the fancy china for dessert too. Monica: Oh how nice. Maybe later we can all go blow our noses on my wedding dress. Ross comes out of the guest bedroom with the diaper bag and the car seat carrying thingy.. yeah.. thats the techinal term.. He goes to Chandler. Ross: Hey dude, you okay? Sorry about before. Chandler: Oh no thats okay, you're totally right. I don't know anything about disciplining a child. But it did hurt my feelings and I want you to know that when I die, you don't get Joey. Ross walks away with a face of yeah ok. Amy walks over to the couch and sits down next to Rachel: Ucch.  In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not talking to you. Rachel: UCHH! Amy: You know.. this.. this is classic Rachel. Rachel: Yeah.. yeah right.. Remember in high school when I died and didn't give you my baby? Amy: This might be my one chance to have a baby Rachel. I mean, you know that I have been so busy focusing on my carrer. Rachel: What? What carrer? Amy: Um.. I'm a decorator. Rachel: Ok. You decorate dad's office and so now you're a decorator. Okay! I went to the zoo yesterday and now I'm a koala bear. Amy: Why can't you ever be supportive? Rachel: Sup.. You want to talk supportive? You didn't even come and visit me when I was in the hospital having the baby. Amy: Oh. Yeah. Well.. You didn't come see me when I was in the hospital when I was getting my lips done. Rachel: I did the first time! Oh. Oh.. And you know what. You want to know why I'm not giving Emily to you. Ross: Emma. Rachel turns to Ross: Oh whose side are you on? I'm not giving you Emma because there is no way you could handle the responibility of a child. Amy: How hard could it be? You do it. Joey: ooh oooh.. Amy: Do you want to know why you don't want  me to have the baby? Rachel: uh huh. Amy: Because you don't want me to be happy. You.. you have always been jealous of me. Rachel: Jealous of what? Of your lack of responsiblity? You, your immaturity? Your total disregard of other people's feelings? Amy: Uh.. To name a few.  You know.. You know.. You've just always been like this. You just have to have everything. And I couldn't have anything. Like in junior high, when you stole Timmy from me. I mean, do you even realize how much that hurt me? Rachel: Timmy was my boyfriend and you made out with him! Amy: Oh come on, that was 20 years ago. Get over it. Rachel: I cannot, I cannot believe that I invited you here today. Amy: Yeah, well you know what I cannot believe. That my so-called sister, gets a 30% discount from Ralph Lauren and I still have to pay retail. Rachel: ah ha ha. ah ha ha. It's forty five. Amy: You bitch. You just think you're so perfect. With your new baby and your, your small apartment. Well let me tell you something. Your baby isn't even that cute. Ross walks over: Too far, Amy. Too far. Rachel: You take that back. Amy: No. Rachel: Take it back! Amy: No! What are you going to do? Make me? Rachel: Heey man, I work out. Amy: So do I. Rachel: I do pilates. Amy: I do yoga. Rachel: Bring it on! Monica: Put the plates in the boxes!! Put the plates in the boxes! Rachel: Did you just push me? Amy: Uh, yeah I think I did. Rachel: Alright. Thats it! Monica screaming at Ross: Forget the bubblewrap! There isn't time! Rachel starts messing up Amy's hair: Frizzy frizzy frizzy frizzy!! Phoebe: Oh my god! Shouldn't we stop this? Joey: What? Are you out of your mind? Lets throw some jello on them. Rachel: Ew! Gross. Chandler: Alright! That is it. This is our apartment and you can not behave this way. Now if you can't act your age then you shouldn't be here at all. Now those plates may not be as nice as the pretty pink ones I picked out, but they're very important to Monica. I want you to apologize to her right now. Amy: I'm sorry. Rachel: Mon, I'm so sorry. Chandler: Okay. Thats better. Now I want you to both apologize to each other and mean it. Amy and Rachel at same time: Sorry. Chandler: By the way, that fight was totally arousing. Ross: Dude. Well done. You know what? If I die, and Rachel dies and Monica dies then you can totally take care of Emma. Chandler: Oh yeah? Well thanks. Ross: So, so now do I get Joey? Chandler: Okay, but you should know he eats five times a day and shoves pennies up his nose. Rachel: Are you okay Mon? Monica: uh huh.. I mean these things happen. Its' just a plate. Its not like somebody died. Phoebe: It's all right. You can mourn. Monica starts crying: Thank you. It was so beautiful. I'm going to go to Joeys and get the pies. Joey: Actually its not pies, its just pie. Monica: I don't care. Oh my god. I've lost the will to scold. Rachel: Look Amy, it got a little of control..Um.. and I'm sorry. You're my sister and uh.. if it really means that much to you.. Amy: So you're going to give me the baby? Rachel: Uh. No.. I was going to let you use my Ralph Lauren discount. Amy starting to cry: You are not going to regret this. Rachel: She needs changing. Chandler: Oh no no no.. I'll get her. I'm super-compentent and totally responsibile and fourth in line to raise Emma. I'll be right there Emma. Just let me get my trusty diaper bag here. Well.. what do you know? I guess, I'll be the one who dies first. COMMERCIAL BREAK Phoebe: Hey, does Monica know about her broken plates yet? Chandler: Nope... Phoebe: Broke them all, huh? Chandler: Yep... Phoebe: You gonna tell her? Chandler: Nope... Hey... so I'm gonna... put the plates back. You know, I think you were right, I don't think we should use these plates again for a looong time. Monica: Like only if the queen comes? Chandler: Maybe not even then. Joey: Hey! I did it. I called my producer. I told him I had a family emergency, he totally bought it. Thanks for teaching me how to lie Pheebs. Phoebe: No problem! Next week: stealing... Monica: Bye plates! Joey: Oh, you told her you broke all the plates, huh? Monica: What? Something happened with the plates? Joey: Uhm... Yeah... this uhm... raccoon came in... Directed by: Ben Weiss Written by: Mark Kunerth Transcript by: David Buehrle JO LYNN: This kitty is Mittens and this one is Fitzhugh, and this little guy in the cat condo is Jinkies. CHANDLER: Yep.� That's a lot of cats Jo Lynn.� Single are ya? CHANDLER: Chandler Bing. JOEY: Hey.� How come you're answering your own phone?� Where's your crazy assistant? CHANDLER: What's up Joe? JOEY: Okay, what have we always wanted to do together? CHANDLER: Braid each other's hair and ride horseback on the beach? JOEY: No, no, no.� When you get home tomorrow night, you and I are going to be at the Wizzards-Knicks game . . .� courtside! CHANDLER: Courtside?� Oh my God. JOEY: Yeah.� Maybe Michael Jordon will dive for the ball and break my jaw with his knee. CHANDLER: That's so cool.� I'll let Monica know. MONICA: Hello? CHANDLER: Joey just called.� He's got courtside Knicks tickets for him and me tomorrow night. MONICA: Really?� But tomorrow night is the only night I get off from the restaurant.� If you go to the game, we won't have a night together for another week. CHANDLER: But hey, it's courtside.� The cheerleaders are going to be right in fr. . . � That's not the way to convince you. MONICA: Chandler look, I don't want to be one of those wives who says, "You can't go to the game.� You have to spend time with me."� So, if you could just realize it on your own . . . CHANDLER: I know.� You're right.� I want to see you too.� I've just got to figure out a way to tell Joey, you know?� He's really looking forward to this. MONICA: Tell him that you haven't seen your wife in a long time.� Tell him that having a long-distance relationship is really difficult.� Tell him that what little time we have is precious. CHANDLER: Yeah, ah, ah . . .� I'll think of something. ROSS: Wow!� � Wow, You look . . . uh . . .�� It's just, ah . . .�� That dress . . . uh . . .� RACHEL: Well, I hope the ends of these sentences are good. ROSS: Well, well, they're good.� It's been a while since I've seen you like this.� You, you clean up good. RACHEL: Oh well, well thank you.� ROSS: Oh right, right.� � So, are you . . . ah . . . you excited about your, your first night away from Emma? RACHEL: Yeah, yeah.� Phoebe and I are going to have so much fun.� And thank you for watching the baby, by the way. ROSS: Oh, it's fine.� Actually, I, I invited Mike over. RACHEL: Phoebe's Mike? ROSS: Yeah. RACHEL: I didn't know you guys hung out. ROSS: We don't.� But I thought it would be nice to get to know him.� You know, maybe have a little dinner, drinks, conversation. RACHEL: Oh that's so cute:� Ross and Mike's first date.� Is that going to be awkward?� I mean, what are you guys going to talk about? ROSS: I don't know.� But, you know, we, we have a lot in common, you know.� He plays piano; I played keyboards in college.� He's been divorced; I have some experience in that area. RACHEL: Yeah. PHOEBE: Hi RACHEL: Hey. PHOEBE: Oooh.� Girl's night out indeed. RACHEL: Ok.� So now, I think Emma is probably down for the night, but if you need anything Ross . . . ROSS: Rach, Rach, we'll be fine, all right?� You go have fun. RACHEL: Okay.� You too.� And I hope you score.� Bye. MIKE: Bye. ROSS: So . . .� Welcome. MIKE: I got beer. ROSS: I got bottled breast milk. MIKE: Eh, why don't we start with the beer? ROSS: Okay.� � So, um, Phoebe tells me you, ah, you play piano. MIKE: Yeah. ROSS: You know, I, I used to, ah, play keyboards in college. MIKE: Ah?� � Do you have one here? ROSS: No. MIKE: Okay.� ROSS: Um . . . ah . . . you know, I'm divorced.� Um, Phoebe, ah . . . Phoebe said you . . . You've been divorced? MIKE: Yeah.� � Yeah, I'm sorry.� I don't . . . I don't really like to talk about it. ROSS: MIKE:� So, you're a paleontologist, right? ROSS: Yeah. MIKE: My cousin's a paleontologist. ROSS: Ah?� � Well, he and I would probably have a lot to talk about. [Scene:� Monica and Chandler's apartment.� Monica is wearing a sexy negligee.� She pours two glasses of wine as Chandler enters with a carry-on suitcase.� He sets the case by the door.) MONICA: Hi. CHANDLER: Hey. MONICA: Welcome home. CHANDLER: � Oh well, look at you. MONICA: Yeah.� What do you think? CHANDLER: Well, it looks great.� It's just that . . . well, I'm wearing the same thing underneath.� So . . . MONICA: Oh. CHANDLER: See what I mean . . . JOEY: Hey!� How come the door's locked? MONICA: Just a second. CHANDLER: No, no, no, no, no.� Joey can't know that I'm here. MONICA: Why not? CHANDLER: Because I didn't know how to tell him that I couldn't go to the Knicks game.� So, I just told him that I had to stay in Tulsa. MONICA: So, you lied to him? CHANDLER: Achhh.� It's always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion.� � Except with you. JOEY: Hey!� Open the door.� What's going on?� JOEY: What are you . ..� � Why are you dressed like that? MONICA: Oh, because, um . . .� well, Chandler's going to be home in a couple of days.� So, I thought I would, you know, practice the art of seduction. JOEY: Oh, I thought I heard a man's voice before. MONICA: Oh I was just doing Chandler's side of the conversation.� You know, like, "Hi, How do I look?"� "Really sexy.� Could I BE any more turned on?" JOEY: Okay.� � Whoa, whoa.� Why are there two glasses of wine out? MONICA: Because. . .� one of them is for you. MONICA: Cheers.� CHANDLER: You know, it's funny.� I've been, ah, practicing the art of seduction myself.� � Hi ya. MONICA: You might want to keep practicing. CHANDLER: Yah. CHANDLER: It's Joey.� � Hey Joe. JOEY: Dude, come home! CHANDLER: What? Why? JOEY: COME . . .� HOME. CHANDLER: Look I, I can't.� What's going on? JOEY: I don't know how to tell you this but, uh . . . I think Monica's cheatin' on ya.� I told you shouldn't have married someone so much hotter than you. JOEY: All right look.� � If you can't come home and deal with this, then I'm gonna. CHANDLER: NO! JOEY: I just heard him! CHANDLER: Can you . . . hear him . . . now? JOEY: All right, I'm going in. CHANDLER: No! Wait! JOEY: I heard him again! CHANDLER: All right, look.� Just stay there.� I'm coming home. JOEY: Okay.� Great.� I'll see you when you get here.� I'm gonna wait out in the hall in case the dude comes out. CHANDLER: Is that really necessary? JOEY: Absolutely.� You'd do it for me.� Not that you ever have to because I know how to keep my women satisfied. [Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment.� Mike is blowing a note from his beer bottle.� Ross stares off to the side.) ROSS: Shouldn't the pizza be here by now?� I mean, they said thirty minutes or less.� Well, how long has it been? MIKE: � And now twelve.� So, do you like the beer? ROSS: I do.� I do.� Although, it's actually a lager. MIKE: huh.� � What's the difference between beer and lager? ROSS: I don't know.� We could look it up. MIKE: Things are about to get wild. PHOEBE: Oh God.� Remember the girls' nights we used to have sitting around talking about you and Ross? RACHEL: Oh God.� It seems like forever ago. PHOEBE: I know.� �� So, what's going on with you and Ross? RACHEL: Well, um . . . I don't know.� I mean, for a long time nothing.� But you know, actually right before you picked me up, Ross and I had a . . . ah . . . little thing. PHOEBE: Oh my God!� I love things.� What happened? RACHEL: Well, um, first he told me he liked how I looked.� And, ah, then we had a little . . . um . . . eye-contact. PHOEBE: Eye-contact? RACHEL: Mm-hmm. PHOEBE: I hope you were using protection. WAITER: � Excuse me.� Um, these are from the two gentlemen at the end of the bar. RACHEL: Oh.� Should we send them something back? PHOEBE: Oooh.� Let's do.� Let's send them mashed potatoes. RACHEL: No!� Wait!� No, no.� Don't do that!� That's going to make them think they can come over here. PHOEBE: So?� What if they do? RACHEL: Well, we're not here to meet guys.� You have a boyfriend, I have a b. . . baby and a Ross. PHOEBE: Yeah, but, ah, ah, nothing has to happen.� We're just having fun.� You know, not everything had to go as far as "eye-contact." MONICA: Chandler, you have to tell Joey that you're not in Tulsa. CHANDLER: Don't you think it's better for him to think that you're cheating on me, than for him to think that I'm cheating on him?� � I heard it. MONICA: I don't want him to think that I'm having an affair. CHANDLER: All right.� I've got a plan.� I'll go down the fire escape. MONICA: Yes, because all good plans start with, "I'll go down the fire escape." CHANDLER: Hear me out woman.� I'll go down the fire escape.� Then, I'll wait for a while.� Then, when I come up the stairs, it'll be just like I just got back from Tulsa.� Then, Joey and I will come in and see that there's no guy in here. MONICA: Aren't you afraid that Joey's going to figure all of this out?� � I heard it. CHANDLER: I'm just going to wait for a little while. MONICA: Scary pigeon's back? CHANDLER: It's huge. RACHEL: Oh my God.� I can't believe you live in that building.� My grandmother lives in that building.� Ida Green?� No sense of personal space?� Kind of smells like chicken?� Looks like a potato. BILL: "Spuds" is your grandmother? RACHEL: That's my bubby! KEVIN: So, we're on our way to a couple of parties.� Um. . . maybe we can get your numbers and give you guys a call if we find something fun. PHOEBE: Yeah. . . I'm sorry.� We weren't really looking for anything to happen with you guys.� I, I have a boyfriend. KEVIN: All right. It's no big deal. BILL: So, she has a boyfriend. What is your situation? RACHEL: Oh, well, it's complicated. I don't actually have a boyfriend.� But um. . . BILL: Then, can I have your number? RACHEL: Wow. So, that's great. You, Bill, Ross, and Emma are going to be so happy together. What were you thinking? RACHEL: I don't know.� He was cute, and he liked me.� It was an impulse. PHOEBE: What about Ross?� What about your moment?� Don't you want to talk to Ross about it? RACHEL: No.� No, because I know exactly how the conversation's gonna go.� "Hey Ross, you know, I think we had a moment before." RACHEL: � "Me too." RACHEL: "Well, but I'm not sure I really want to do anything about it." RACHEL: RACHEL: "Well, should we just continue to live together and not really tell each other how we're really feeling?" RACHEL: PHOEBE: Yeah, I see what you mean.� By the way, nice Ross imitation. RACHEL: Oh, thanks. PHOEBE: But, your Rachel wasn't whiny enough. RACHEL: Wha. . . hey! PHOEBE: Better! RACHEL: Well, the point is, maybe I should just stop waiting around for moments with Ross, you know?� I should just . . . move on with my life. PHOEBE: Really?� You're moving on from Ross? RACHEL: I don't know.� Do I have to decide right now? PHOEBE: Well, you kind of just did.� That guy is going to call you tonight.� Ross is going to pick up the phone and that's a pretty clear message. RACHEL: Oh God, Ross.� Ross is going to pick up the phone.� Oh, I have to get my number back.� � Oh my God.� He's gone. PHOEBE: Dead on. [Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment.� Ross and Mike are sitting on the sofa.� Ross is fidgeting with the cuff of his sweater while Mike blows his cheeks out.� Ross blows a piece of fuzz from his finger.) MIKE: Ya know, I'm going to take off. ROSS: So soon? MIKE: Well, yeah. ROSS: Okay.� Well, thanks, ah, thanks for the beer. MIKE: Ah, you mean lager. ROSS: Ah yeah.� Good times. MIKE: Oh. MIKE: Hello? PHOEBE: Hey, Mike, it's me.� Listen, is um, is Ross near you? MIKE: Uh, no.� I just left. PHOEBE: Well, you have to go back in. MIKE: Wha . . .?� Go back?� To the "land where time stands still"? PHOEBE: I'm so sorry honey, but, okay, Rachel gave this guy her number and, um, she doesn't want Ross to answer the phone.� So, you have to intercept all his calls. MIKE: I can't do that! PHOEBE: He says he can't do that. RACHEL: Oh give me , , ,� � Hi, Mike?� Hi.� Listen.� I know this is a lot to ask, but you know what?� If you do this I . . . Phoebe will . . . do anything you want.� Seriously, I'm talking dirty stuff. PHOEBE: All right. � Hello?� Hi.� I'm sorry about her, but she wasn't wrong about the dirty stuff. MIKE: All right.� I'll do it.� � But really, how much dirtier can it get? PHOEBE: Oh, Mike.� Bye. MIKE: Hey buddy. ROSS: Uh, hi. MIKE: Um, can I come back in? ROSS: MIKE: I, I was just thinking about how much more we have to talk about. ROSS: But you left. JOEY: Wow!� That didn't take long.� I thought you said Tulsa was, like a three hour flight. CHANDLER: Well, you're forgetting about the time difference. MONICA: Chandler!� You're home! CHANDLER: That's right.� You're husband's home.� So, now the sex can stop. MONICA: What are you saying? CHANDLER: Joey said that you're in here with another man. MONICA: There's no man in here.� How dare you accuse me of that.� JOEY: All right.� All right.� Then, maybe you won't mind if me and my friend take a look around, huh?� � Bwa-ah-ah! CHANDLER: What is he doing? MONICA: I arranged some pillows on the bed to look like a guy. JOEY: Bedroom is clear, although you might need some new pillows. CHANDLER: All right.� Well, I'll check the guest room. JOEY: � Why do I smell men's cologne? MONICA: I think that's you. JOEY: � Oh yeah.� I rubbed a magazine on myself earlier. CHANDLER: There's nobody here Joe. JOEY: I guess not. MONICA: I can't believe you thought I was cheating.� You own me an apology. JOEY: Yeah, right Monica.� I'm so sorry. MONICA: Ah, it's an honest mistake.� It could happen to anyone.� All right, see ya. JOEY: Whoa, whoa.� Wait a minute.� Wait a minute.� If you just got back from Tulsa, how did your suitcase beat you here? CHANDLER: I climb down the fire escape and you can't put that in the closet? MIKE: So, except for the fermentation process, beer and ale are basically the same thing.� Fascinating isn't it. ROSS: Maybe you should look up "fascinating." MIKE: I'll get it.� � It's for you. ROSS: I don't understand what just happened here. JOEY: What's going on? CHANDLER: I'm sorry.� I, I told you I was in Tulsa because I wanted to spend the night with Monica and I, I didn't know . . .� I didn't think you'd understand. JOEY: What? You think I'm too dumb to understand that a husband needs to be with his wife?� Huh?� Do you think I'm like, "Duh."� MONICA: Joey? JOEY: Yeah?� MONICA: I don't know what to say.� We shouldn't have lied to you. CHANDLER: Yeah.� I feel so bad.� Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? JOEY: Yeah, you could go to the game with me, ah, even though I know you said you couldn't.� But then you lied to me and tricked me and gave me a bump on the head. CHANDLER: I'm sorry. �That's the one thing I can't do.� I promised I'd be with Monica. JOEY: All right. MONICA: You can go. CHANDLER: What? MONICA: You should go to the game.� It's okay.� I want you to. CHANDLER: Really?� You're gonna be okay? MONICA: Yeah, I'll be fine.� You know, maybe I'll stay here and practice the art of seduction. CHANDLER: You're gonna put on sweats and clean, aren't you? MONICA: It's gonna be so hot!� CHANDLER: Okay, bye. MONICA: Have fun. JOEY: Thanks.� � Here's your ticket. CHANDLER: Hey, listen.� I'm never going to lie to you again, okay?� And I want you to know that nobody thinks you're stupid. JOEY: Thanks man. JOEY: Where are you going? CHANDLER: Game's tomorrow night Joe. [Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment.� Rachel and Phoebe enter.) RACHEL: Hi. ROSS: Oh God.� RACHEL: Oh . . . MIKE: I'm so glad you're back.� PHOEBE: Oh. RACHEL: Wow.� So, what did you guys do? ROSS: Oh, you know . . . we just drank some beer and Mike played with the boundaries of normal social conduct. MIKE: It's true.� I did. PHOEBE: Well, good bye. RACHEL: That was fun Pheebs. PHOEBE: I know.� That was fun.� RACHEL: See you guys.� ROSS: Rachel, lock the door.� Lock the door,� seriously. RACHEL: Oh shoot.� I forgot to pay Phoebe for the drinks.� � Wait, wait.� Sorry.� Did he call?� Did that guy call? MIKE: No.� Just his mom. RACHEL: Oh, around 8:30? MIKE: Yeah. RACHEL: Then, again at 9:00? MIKE: uh-huh. RACHEL: Yeah. ROSS: Hello.� � Okay, "Bill from the bar."� I'll make sure she gets your number. RACHEL: Aaah.� ROSS: So, ah . . . So, how was it?�� Uh, did you guys. . . Did you guys have a good time? RACHEL: Oh, it was so much fun.� It felt so good to be out. ROSS: Uh, Rach. RACHEL: Yeah? ROSS: � Never mind. ROSS: Hey you guys.� MIKE: Hey. PHOEBE: Hey.� I'll be right back.� I've got to go to the bathroom.� MIKE: Stout.� That's a kind of beer. (Ross smiles slightly.� Then he gives a single nod that lifts him to his feet.� He exits the coffee shop. Aired: 12/12/2002 Written by: Doty Abrams Directed by: Kevin S. Bright Transcribed by: Stephan Hoffmeister Phoebe: ...sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle;and away they all flew like the down of a thistle; but I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!" Joey: Wow, that was great! You really wrote that? Phoebe: Uh-huh. Chandler: Say goodbye elves, I'm off to Tulsa. Monica: I can't believe you're not gonna be here for Christmas. Ross: You're really not coming back? Chandler: Yeah, we have all this paperwork that needs to be filed by the end of the year. If I don't get it done, I'll be fired. Monica: It's so unfair, you don't even like your job! Chandler: So, who does? Phoebe: Oh, I like my job. Joey: I *love* my job. Rachel: Yeah, I can't *wait* to go back to work. Ross: I can't get *enough* dinosaurs! Chandler: I'm sorry, I won't be here. Monica: It's just... It's hard enough not seeing you during the week, but for Christmas... alright, if this is what you have to do, I understand. Chandler: Thanks. I'll see you New Year's Day. Monica: You're not gonna be here New Year's Eve?? Chandler: Did I not mention that? Monica: No! Chandler: *Opening Credits* Chandler: All right everybody, I know that it's Christmas Eve and you'd rather be with your families, but there's *no* call -- By the way, you can all call me Chandler. Wendy: Hey! Others: Hey. Chandler: Hey. Where've you been? Wendy: I was, uh, checking out that insurance company's Christmas party on three, oh, it was really beautiful, they have all these decorations and this huge tree and I just, uh... to hell with them, we have to work. -- So I stole ther ham. Chandler: You hear that? You may not be with your families, but at least it's gonna smell like ham in here. Claudia: My kid's in a play right now. Chandler: Y'know what, I know what will cheer you guys up! I had a little talk with the boys in New York, told 'em about all the hard work you've been doing and that a little Christmas bonus may be in order. Ken: "A donation has been made in your name to the New York City Ballet". Chandler: Well, that's like money in your pocket! - Alright look, you want me to say it? This sucks. Being here sucks! This work sucks! Wendy: *Now* it feels like Christmas. Chandler: I'm sorry. Hey, at least you guys get to go home and be with your families tonight. I have to go back to an empty hotel room and lay down on a very questionable bedspread. And then tomorrow morning, you get to have Christmas morning in your own houses, wich, by the way, none of you have invited me to. Ken: You can come to my house! Chandler: Haha, no thanks! Wendy: That was a nice pep-talk. Chandler: Oh, thanks! I'm... actually thinking about becoming a motivational speaker. Wendy: So, if you were home right now, what would you be doing? Chandler: Typical Christmas-y stuff, you know? Our holidays are pretty traditional... Phoebe: So here is a, a very special holiday song that I wrote for some very important people to me. "Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap. Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap. Said all you need is to write them a song. Now, you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along. No, don't sing along. Monica, Moncia, have a happy Hanukkah. Saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross. And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy! And Rachel and Chandler, have err-umm-glander!!" Happy holidays, everybody! Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, you look in the kitchen, I will look in the back closet. Chandler: I can save you time ladies, I'm right here. Phoebe: Yeah, Chandler why don't you take a walk? This doesn't concern you. Rachel: We are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica. Chandler: What? That's terrible! Phoebe: No-no, we do it every year! Chandler: Oh well, that, that makes it not terrible. Phoebe: No, yeah, we never find them! She's always best at us, that wily... minx. Rachel: Don't worry, we're just gonna search here for an hour, and then we're gonna go over to Joey's and search, OK? Chandler: No not okay, you can't look for Monica's presents! Phoebe: Oh no, we have to! Chandler: No, you don't have to, and you can't because I, I live here too. Phoebe: Well then, you should look with us. Chandler: Why? Rachel: Chandler, aren't you worried about what to get Monica for Christmas? Chandler: No, I have a great idea for a present for her. Phoebe: Oh, that's it? A great idea! Oh yeah. Rachel: Chandler, that's not enough. I mean what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents, and a bunch of little presents? And you've just gotten her one great present? I mean that's just gonna make her feel bad. Why would you do that to her Chandler? Why? Why? Chandler: If I help, we can find 'em faster! Rachel: That's right! Phoebe: Ooh ooh, we have a live one! Rachel: Oh, it's a Macy's bag! Rachel: Oh. Phoebe: Ooh, who's it for? Rachel: "Dear losers, do you really think I'd hide presents under the couch? P.S.: Chandler, I knew they'd break you." Joey: Rach, these are for you. Rachel: Wiper blades. I don't even have a car. Joey: No, but with this new car smell, you'll think you do. Chandler: OK, Pheebs, your turn. Phoebe: Ahh, toilet seat covers! Is that what you were doing while I was getting gas? Joey: Uh-huh. Phoebe: You guuuyys. Joey: And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth. Ross: You got me a cola drink? Chandler: And, a lemon lime. Ross: Well this, this is too much, I feel like I should get you another sweater. Chandler: And last but not least. Joey: They're ribbed for *your* pleasure. Ross: Ooh, hey Ben, what if the Holiday Armadillo told you all about the Festival of Lights? Ben: Cool! Ross: Yeah! Monica: Come on Ben. Ross: Years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees... Chandler: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Ben: Santa! Chandler: Hey! Ross: What are you doing here, Santa? Chandler: Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben. What are you doing here, weird...turtle-man? Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend. You sent me here to give Ben some presents. Remember? Chandler: What? Monica: Okay Ben, why don't you come open some more presents, and Santa, the Armadillo and I have a little talk in the kitchen? There's a sentence I'd never thought I'd say. Ross: What are you doing? Chandler: You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at work! Ross: Thank you, but, but you, you gotta leave. Chandler: Why? Ross: Because, I'm finally getting him excited about Hanukkah, and, and you're-you're wrecking it. Chandler: But I didn't get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly. Ross: I'm sorry Chandler, but this, this is really important to me. Chandler: Fine, I'll give the suit back. Monica: Chandler: Santa? Really? Monica: Yeah, is that okay? Chandler: Did your Dad ever dress up like Santa? Monica: No. Chandler: Then it's okaaay! Chandler: You know what, everybody? Go home. You should be with your families. It's bad enough that we're working New Year's Eve. Chandler: Did I not tell *anyone* about New Year's Eve? -- Alright, look, go! Go home, okay? Merry Christmas! Go. Chandler: Good, God's speed, good people! You're not gonna go? Wendy: Naah... I couldn't leave you alone. Chandler: Ah. Thanks. Wendy: Besides, I can't leave until their Christmas party downstairs clears out; there are some *pissed off* insurance people looking for that ham. Chandler: Ah. Chandler Bing. Monica: Hi Honey! We're all here; we just want to wish you a Merry Christmas. Others: Phoebe: Ble-blah-blar Blargh! Chandler: Ahh, Merry Christmas; I miss you guys! Monica: So is it horrible? Is everybody working really hard? Chandler: Ah, well no, it's just uh, me and Wendy. Monica: Wendy? -- That sounds like a girl's name. Chandler: It is. Did I... not tell you about her? Monica: Umhmm, umhmm, about the time you told me about New Year's Eve. Where is everybody else? Chandler: I sent them home. Monica: Ohh, you are such a good boss! Is she pretty? Chandler: Uhh, uh... Ross: Answer faster, answer faster! Chandler: I don't know! Ross: Answer better, answer better! Chandler: I don't think of her that way, you know, she's a, she's a colleague. Monica: What does she do there? Chandler: Oh, she's regional Vice President; She's... just below me. Monica: She did WHAT? Chandler: BE-LOW me! Joey: Ahh, wait, is Wendy the runner-up Miss Oklahoma? Monica: *What*?? Chandler: Well, she... she didn't win... Monica: Alright, well, maybe I should let you and the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma get back to work. Chandler: Well, second prettiest that year; I mean, of *all* the girls in Oklahoma, she's probably... Rachel: Oh Chandler, stop talking! Chandler: Honey, there's really nothing to worry about. Monica: Okay. Chandler: I'm serious! Monica: Okay! Chandler: Merry Christmas. Monica: Merry Christmas. Chandler: Merry Christmas, you guys! Others: Phoebe: Blah blargah, blar-blab. Chandler: The wife says "Hi!". Wendy: Ah. Fun conversation? Chandler: Ah well, she's got this weird idea, that, uh, y'know, just because you and I are alone, that something is gonna happen. Wendy: Huh? Really? -- Hm, that'd be so terrible? Chandler: This is probably the wrong thing to be worrying about, but... you're getting ham on my only tie. Chandler: Whoa-ho, back off, Missy! Wendy: ...Missy? Chandler: I don't know; I'm not used to girls making passes at me! ... Wait a minute... am I sexy in Oklahoma? Wendy: You are to me... Chandler: Look, I'm, I'm married! Wendy: So? I'm married. Chandler: I'm *happily* married. Wendy: Oh. - What's *that* like? Chandler: Right. So, I'm sorry... Wendy: Seriously? Happily married. So that phone call before, that was ... happy? Chandler: Well look, it's not easy to spend this much time apart, you know. She's entitled to be a little paranoid... or, in this case: right on money! ... You know, she's amazing, and beautiful, and smart, and if she were here right now, ...she'd kick your ass. Look, you're a really nice person... ham stealing and adultery aside. But, what I have with my wife is pretty great, so nothing is ever gonna happen between us. Wendy: Okay, let me ask you something: if what you and your wife have is so great, then why are you spending Christmas with me? Chandler: I mean, you were the most beautiful woman in the room tonight! Monica: Really? Chandler: You kidding? You're the most beautiful woman in most rooms... Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's going on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out? Monica: Well, not anymore. Chandler: But we don't do that. Monica: I know, I just thought it would be fun. Chandler: How drunk are you? Monica: Drunk enough that I know I wanna do this. Not so drunk that you should feel guilty about taking advantage. Chandler: That's the perfect amount! Monica: Okay! Monica: Y'know what's weird? Chandler: What? Monica: This doesn't feel weird! Chandler: I know. Monica: You're a really good kisser. Chandler: Well, I have kissed over four women. Do you wanna get under the covers? Monica: Hm-hmm! Chandler: Okay! Monica: Wow! You are really fast! Chandler: It bodes well for me that speed impresses you. Monica: We're gonna see each other naked. Chandler: Yep! Monica: Do you wanna do it at the same time? Chandler: Count of three? Monica: One! Chandler: Two! Monica: Two! Both: Three! Chandler: Well I think it's safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined. Monica: Eh, we weren't that close anyway! Chandler: Eh! Chandler: So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man? Monica: Well uh, you and I are just goofing around, I thought, why not just goof around with him. Chandler: Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary... Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, y'know, get you my original dictionary. I am *so* bad at this. Monica: I think you're better than you think you are. Chandler: Really? Okay, so... Monica: Know when to stop. Chandler: Y'know, I sensed that I should stop. So we're okay? Monica: Yeah. Don't do the dance. Chandler: Right! Monica: I can't get married until I get something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue. Chandler: Okay, all right, all right, all right! Okay! Okay, here's something, here's something blue and new. Monica: You're so efficient. I love you! Chandler: Let's go! Monica: No-no-no, wait! We need something old! Chandler: Oh, okay, I have condom in my wallet that I've had since I was twelve. Monica: That'll work! Chandler: I don't think so. Monica: Okay, now we just need something borrowed! Chandler: Monica: That's stealing! Chandler: No, we'll-we'll bring it back! Just put it under your dress. Monica: Ohh. Chandler: Okay, one thing at a time. Monica: Listen umm, I've been thinking, it's not fair for me to ask you to spend all of your money on our wedding. I mean, you work, you work really hard for that. Chandler: Ehh. Monica: Eh, you work for that. Chandler: Look, I thought about it too, and I'm sorry. I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding. Monica: You do?! Chandler: Yeah, I'm putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy, then, then that's what we're gonna do. Monica: Oh, you're so sweet. Oh, but wait, what about our, what about the future and stuff? Chandler: Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, y'know? We'll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college. Monica: You thought about that? Chandler: Yeah. Monica: How many kids were we gonna have? Chandler: Uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy. Monica: What else did you think about? Chandler: Well, stuff like where we'd live, y'know? Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Y'know, we could have a cat that had a bell on its collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we'd have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old. Monica: Y'know what? I-I don't want a big, fancy wedding. Chandler: Sure you do. Monica: No, I want everything that you just said. I want a marriage. Chandler: You sure? Monica: Uh-hmm. Chandler: I love you so much. Monica: I love you. Rachel: Oohh, I love it! Ross: Really? You're not gonna return it? Rachel: Well, not this second! Phoebe: Hey look, you guys, it's snowing! Rachel: Oh wow, it's so beautiful... Ross: Wow, it really is! Monica: "Wendy" is a fat girl name. Phoebe: Aren't we done with that? Monica: Okay, fine. Let's talk about snow. -- Do you think it's snowing in Tulsa, where my husband is having sex on a copying machine? Chandler: Hey! Ross: Oh my god... Joey: Hey-heeyyy - Look at that, it's a Christmas miracle! Monica: What are you doing here? Chandler: I wanted to be with you. I missed you so much. Joey: Hey, hey, uh, who did you miss the most? Chandler: Monica. Joey: Got ya. Chandler: I never want to leave you again! Monica: But I thought if you left, you get fired. Chandler: Turns out they can't fire me. Because I quit. Monica: What? Ross: What, you, you really quit your job? Chandler: Yeah! It's a stupid job, and I could not stand leaving you. And why should I be the only one who doesn't get to do what he *really* wants to do? Rachel: What do you really want to do? Chandler: I have *not* thought this through! Monica: Oh my god! Chandler: I know, I, I should have talked to you first about it. Monica: No, I think that this is what you wanna do, I think it's great! Chandler: Thanks! Phoebe: Chandler, your being here is the best Christmas present I could have ever imagined. Chandler: Ahh... Phoebe: Now give me my real gift. Phoebe: Thank you. Chandler: Ross: Oh, hey... Ross: "A donation has been made in your name to the New York City Ballet." -- How did you know? Rachel: Wha... are you kidding? I can't return this. Chandler: I... thought it was a timely start to thinking about other people. Besides, this gift still says I love you guys. Joey: Mine's is to Lilian Myers. Chandler: I don't have a *job*! *Closing Credits* Chandler: Actuary... no. Book-keeper... no. Topless dancer... Hey, d'you know what I just realized? You are the sole wage earner. *You* are the head of the household. I don't do anything - I'm a kept man! Monica: You are! Hey, here's twenty bucks. -- Why don't you go buy yourself something pretty while I'm at work tomorrow? End 912 - TOW Phoebe's Rats Aired: 16/1/2003 Teleplay by: Brian Buckner and Sebastian Jones Directed by: Ben Weiss Transcribed by: Roni Raab Chandler: Hey Joey: Hey. So where's Mon? Chandler: Oh, she's at home, putting up decorations for Rachel's birthday party tonight. Joey: And you're not helping? Chandler: I tried, but apparantly singing "I will survive" in a helium voice - not helping. Ross: Hey you guys! Joey and Chandler: Hey! Happy birthday ... Rachel: Shhh don't say that loud, Gunther's gonna want to hug me. Ross: Uh, good news everyone, we finally found a nanny. This is Molly . Molly, Chandler, Joey. Joey and Chandler: Hi. Molly: Hi. Ross: Ooh, somebody's getting a little fussy. Joey: You damn right I am, I've been waiting for a cookie for 7 minutes. Rachel: Ok, you know what, I'm just gonna take her outside. Molly: No, you stay, I'll do it . Rachel: OK, thank you. Molly: Nice to meet you guys . Joey: Yeah, you too. Rachel: Oh, wow, Molly is just great! Ross: Yeah. Chandler: Yes, Bravo on the hot nanny. Rachel: What? You really think she's hot? Chandler: Are you kidding? If I wasn't married she'd be rejecting me right now. Rachel: And Joey? Joey: How do you think she's doing? Rachel: Am I the only one who doesn't think that she's hot? Ross? Ross: Eh, I mean, I mena she's not unattractive but hot? I .... Rachel: Thank you! Chandler: Now that Rachel's gone? Rachel: So hot I cried myself to sleep last night. OPENING CREDITS Phoebe: Hey Mike, what's the capital of Peru? Mike: Lima. Phoebe: No. It starts with a "v" and ends with an "x". Helpfully with a "to" in the middle. Mike: You know, kinda think of it, the capital of Peru IS "vtox". Oh god! Oh! Phoebe: What? Mike: OK, I don't want to freak you out or anything, but I think I just saw a rat in your cupboard. Phoebe: Oh, whew, no, that's Bob. Mike: What, is he your pet rat? Phoebe: Well not so much a pet as, you know, an occasional visitor who I put food out for, you know. Kinda like Santa. Except Santa doesn't poop on the plate of cookies. Mike: You can't keep a rat in your appartment! They're extremely unsanitary, and they transmit leptospirosis and hantavirus. Phoebe: What are those? Mike: I don't know but they don't sound like spa treatments. You have to get rid of it! Phoebe: OK, fine, if it means that much to you I'll get rid of Bob. Mike: Thank you. Phoebe: So weird, you think he's so gross and you're willing to eat his crackers. Rachel: Hello. Gavin: Hello Rachel: Gavin, I just wanted to say thank you again for watching Emma yesterday during the presentation. I really owe you an appology. Gavin: For what? Rachel: Well, when we first met, you know, I thought you were pompous and arrogant and obnoxious ... Gavin: Is this your first appology? Rachel: No, I just mean that, you know, first impressions don't mean anything. And I-I think you're a really good guy and I'm sorry that I misjudged you. Heather: Good morning! Rachel: Hello. I'm sorry, obviously Heather's ass has something more important to say so I'll just wait 'till it's finished. Gavin: What? Rachel: I was giving you an appology and you were totally checking her out! Gavin: I wasn't checking her out. I'm in fashion, I was looking at her skirt. Or was it pants? I didn't really see what happened below the ass area. Rachel: Oh wow, you are really, you're really a creep. Gavin: Why do you even care if I was looking at her? Are you jealous? Rachel: Oh yeah, I'm jealous. "Oh Gavin, please, please look at my ass". Stop looking at my ass! I mean, I just think you are totally inappropriate, ok? This is a work environment, she's your subordinate. Gavin: I thought it was ok when you slept with your old assistant Tag. Rachel: That is totally different for two reasons. One - I didn't know that you knew that. And two, I wasn't some creep staring at his ass, we had a deap meaningful relationship. Gavin: Huh. What's Tag's last name? Rachel: It was ... oh my god. He didn't have a last name. It was just "Tag". You know, like Cher, or, you know, Moses. Gavin: But it was a deap meaningful relationship. Rachel: Oh, you know what - my first impression of you was absolutely right. You are arrogant, you are pompous ... Morgan! Morgan! Tag's last name was Morgan! Huh! Gavin: It was Jones. Rachel: Yeah well what are you, his boyfriend? Joey: Man, I wish I had a nanny like you. Molly: You mean, when you were a baby. Joey: Sure. Monica: Would you stop staring at her? Chandler: I wasn't staring. I was leering. Monica: What's the big deal with her? Maybe she's attractive in an obvious kind of way. Ross: Yeah, obvious beauty's the worst. You know, when it's right there in your face. Me, I like to have to work to find someone attractive. Makes me feel like I earned it. Chandler: Looks like Joey is doing allright with her. Monica: Yeah. Hey, that was nice of you guys to back off and let Joey get the girl for once. Molly: I'm gonna take her back to the appartment. Ross: Ok, I'll be home right after work. Ok, by Emma-Wemma-Demma, I love you - wovyou dovyou ... Molly: Bye Monica: They've elected me to talk to you about the baby talk - it's not so good. Molly: I think it's sweet. Ross, Joey and Chandler: Bye, Emma-Wemma-Demma. Rachel: Hey, listen, Joey, about Molly, I really prefer if you didn't go after her. Joey: Why not? Rachel: Because it took us months to find a good nanny and I wouldn't want anything to, you know, drive her away. Joey: So, what, you think I'm just gonna sleep with her and never call her again and things are gonna get uncomfortable? Yeah, sounds about right. Ross: Come on, there are plenty of other women out thereok? Just - just forget about her, ok? Just, she's off limits. Joey: Oh, man, why did have to go and say that for? Now that you told me I can't have it makes me want her even more! Ross: What are you, a child? Joey: Yes! Ross: Joey, come on now, for me! Please, just-just try to focus your sexual energy on someone else. Joey: Fine. Monica: Phoebe: Hey Mikey Mike: Hey P Phoebe: What are you doing? Mike: Setting rat traps. Phoebe: To kill Bob?? Mike: No, no, to test his neck strength. Phoebe: No, Mike, I don't want to kill him! I thought we were just gonna capture him and, and you know, set him free in the country side where he can maybe meet a friendly possom and a wisecracking owl. Mike: Ok, ok, I'll throw away the traps. Phoebe: I'll find Bob, I'll get him. Bob? Oh wait, I think I hear him. Oh - Oh my god! Bob had babies! Bob's a mom! Mike: Better think of a new name for him. Phoebe: I don't know, I kinda like Bob for a girl. Mike: I don't know, I mean I'm not sure ... Phoebe: Oh my god, we killed Bob! Mike: Maybe it wasn't Bob, maybe it was a mouse. Phoebe: Suzie? Ross: Whazzup?? Chandler: Seriously dude, 3 years ago. Ross: Listen, can you do me a favor? I'm gonna be out today. Can you just keep an eye on Joey, make sure nothing happens between him and Molly? Chandler: You don't trust him? Ross: Wh - No. Some woman who sounded a lot like Joey called earlier and asked for her daughter, the "hot nanny". Chandler: Is this really your long term plan, for me to run interference? Because I could get a job any day now. Ross: You do appear right on the cusp of something. Come on man, I'm sure he'll lose interest in a week or two, but for now can you please just do this for me? Chandler: Allright, fine, but don't blame me if it doesn't work. Because you know as well as I do that once Joey sets his mind on something, more often than not, he's going to have sex with it. Ross: Well we gotta do something, ok? Nannies like her don't grow on trees. Chandler: Picturing that tree? Ross: I am, yes. Chandler: Where you going, Joe? Joey: For a walk. Chandler: Oh. You mind if I join you? Joey: Actually, that will be long. You know, I really need to organize my thoughts. Chandler: Your thoughts? Plural? Joey: Allright, fine, I only have one thought! It's about the hot nanny, I gotta see her! Chandler: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Joe. Joey: Now YOU'RE telling me I can't see her?? You guys are killing me! She's forbidden fruit! It's like ... like she's the princess and I'm the stable boy ... Why are you doing this, huh? Did Ross tell you not to let me go over there? Chandler: Yes, as a matter of fact he did, so I can't let you go. Joey: Huh. Interesting. Now there are obstacles. Hot nanny and me against the world. This is the kind of stuff great novels are made of. Chandler: Great novels? Joey: Fine ... mediocre porn Gavin: Gavin Mitchelle's office. Rachel: Rachel Green's office!! Give me that phone! Gavin: Hey Mom! No, that's just my secretary. Rachel: Um, excuse me Gavin, I have a question I need to ask you. Gavin: Mom, I'll call you later. Yeah. Yes? Rachel: If you like looking at butts so much why don't you just go look at a mirror? Gavin: Thank god you finally said that, I saw you make a note on your pad three hours ago. Man, I really bug you, don't I? Rachel: Oh, please, I don't care about you enough to bug me. In fact, from now on, I'm going take the high road. And I'm going be very very nice to you, you "momma's boy", starting right now. Monica: Hey Rach! Rachel: Hi! Monica: Ready for your birthday lunch? Rachel: Yeah I am, I am! Oh, but first of all, Monica, I would like to introduce you to my very talented colleage and more importantly my wonderful friend Gavin Mitchelle. Gavin: Pleased to meet you. Monica: Pleased to meet you. So you're coming to Rachel's party tonight? Rachel: Oh no no no no no, Gavin can't, he already has plans, most likely with his mother. Gavin: Well I don't mind, I'll cancel. I would never miss my secretary's birthday. Rachel: Why did you invite him?? I can't stand that guy! Monica: You were just being so nice to him! Rachel: I was faking it! Can't you tell when I'm being fake? Rachel: Hey, Mr Philips, nice suit! Monica: Right there! That was so fake! Rachel: Shh! Rachel: I still can't believe you invited Gavin. Allright, he is the last person I want to see. Monica: Oh, you're welcome for the party. I'm glad you're having a good time. Rachel: God, I hope he doesn't show up. Of course he's not gonna show up, the guy hates me. Monica: Does he? Rachel: What? Monica: Maybe he's bothering you so much because he likes you. It's like in first grade when Skippy Langwild always pushed me on the playground because he secretly had a crush on me? Rachel: Oh, Monica, you think Skippy liked you? Honey, all those buys had a bet to see if he can knock you over. Molly: She's out, I'm gonna take her home. Rachel: Oh, ok, thank you. Do you see what all the guys see in her? Monica: Wouldn't kick her out of bed. No more Vodka for me! Joey: Hey Rach, so can I sing happy birthday to you now? Rachel: Yeah, sure! Joey: Oh ... Monica: Hey Rach, somebody got you shoes! Rachel: Oh, give me! Phoebe: Be careful, be careful! These are my rat babies! Mike: Yeah. We have rat babies now. Rachel: Ahhhh , you brought rats to my birthday party? Monica: So this is what a stroke feels like. Phoebe: I had to bring them! We killed their mother, they're our responsibility now. You know, they require constant care. You should know that, Rachel, you're a mother. Rachel: Are you comparing my daughter to a rat? Phoebe: No! Seven rats! I think we should take them home, we need feed them. Rachel: whhh wait, you're gonna leave my party to take care of a box of rats? Phoebe: Well I'm sorry Rachel, but I'm not like you, ok? Not everyone can afford help. Ross: Where the hell are Joey and Molly? I asked you to watch them. Chandler: I'm sorry, I got a little occupied. Ross: We have to stop them before something happens! Chandler: Joey: So you see, Molly, what people don't understand is that acting is a discipline. It takes a lot of hard work. Molly: So where did you study? Joey: Oh, I didn't go to college. Molly: No, where did you study acting? Joey: Molly ... people don't study acting ... Ross: Molly, ah, do you mind giving us just a minute? Molly: Sure, I'll go check on Emma. Ross: Thanx. Joey: Will the stable boy never get the princess?? Ross: What do you think you're gonna do, have sex with her right here on my couch? Joey: No ... the leather sticks to my ass. You know, this isn't fair. What makes you think that I'm just gonna sleep with her and then blow her off? Huh? Can't you guys open your minds to the possibility that I actally like her, and might want something real? Look, the truth is, I haven't felt this way about anyone since Rachel, ok? I didn't think I could ever love again. Ross and Chandler: Come on! Joe! Joey: Ok Woman: Hi, is Molly here? Ross: Yeah, come on in. Molly? Molly: I'll see you tomorrow. Ross: Ok ... Well, uh, Joey, I guess we have no problem. Joey: It's like my favorite fairy tale come true! The princess, the stable boy and the lesbian! Phoebe: Ok, ok, you start preparing the formula and I start changing the box and then we gotta put them straight to bed. Mike: Hey, when did we become one of those couples whose lives revolve around their rats? Phoebe: Well, you know what, they're our responsibility now. Mike: Ok, fine, these rats are our responsibility. What happens when they mate and there are hundreds of them? Phoebe: Mate? They're all brothers and sisters. Mike: Yeah - not such a problem with rats. No, they're more of a "love the one you're with" kind of animals. Phoebe: No. That's math I can't even do! What are we gonna do? Mike: Well, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but, we could not let the box of rats ruin our lives. Phoebe: Yeah, ok. I guess you're right. Allright, so we should just give them away. But to nice families, with children, and reduced fat wheat thins. They're Bob's favorites. Mike: It's gonna be ok. Phoebe: You must think I'm crazy. Mike: No, I think you're sweet. Phoebe: Good. It's just so hard, it's hard for me to ... let them go. I guess it just brings back memories, you know, from ... when I gave birth to my brother's triplets and I had to give them up. I haven't told you about that yet, have I? Monica: Hey! Rachel: Hi. Thanks for the party, honey. Should I help you clean up? Monica: No way! You had your party, now I have mine! Is everything alright? Rachel: Yeah, I just get a little bummed when my birthday's over. Monica: Well, at least you have one thing to be happy about. That jerk Gavin from your office didn't show up . Rachel: Mmm hmm. Gavin: Yeah, hey. Monica: Oh, we weren't talking about you. No, no way to recover. Rachel: No. Gavin: Nice party. Rachel: Well, it was, and you would have seen it if you didn't showed up at ... 9:30?? God! Oh, this party was lame ... Monica: Again, you're welcome. Gavin: Look, I'll just give you this and go. Rachel: Oh, you bought me a present! Why? Gavin: Well, let me explain how birthday parties usually work. There are presents, and a cake, perhaps a fourth or fifth person. Ok, I ... got you the present to make up for being such a jerk to you earlier. Rachel: Aww. Well, ok, well that's very nice. And you wrote a card . "From Gavin" Gavin: I really mean it. Rachel: Awww, awww, it's beautiful. Gavin: You don't mind? Well, what do you know, it fits! Rachel: See, Gavin, you're capable of being a nice guy. Why did you give me such a hard time? Gavin: I'm not sure. Rachel: Well Monica seems to think it's because you have feelings for me. Gavin: I do have feelings for you. Rachel: You do? Gavin: Yes, I feel that you are a little annoying. Rachel: See? Why, Gavin, why? Right when I'm about to change my opinion of you, you go and you ... ENDING CREDITS Chandler: Phoebe: Hey Chandler: Hi Phoebe: Listen, I think I've left something here. Chandler: Oh, well someone left this . This is yours? Phoebe: No, but I like it. I think I left one of my rat babies. Chandler: Oh, uh, well, I haven't seem it but if I do I'll let you know. Monica: Ohmygod! Rat baby! Rat baby! Rat baby! Phoebe: Ooh, maybe that's him! 913 - The One Where Monica Sings Aired: 30/01/2003 Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer Teleplay by: Steven Rosenhaus Transcribed by: PHDB Chandler: Hey! Ross: Yeah! Yeah! OK! Sure! Look! Can we...can we talk about what happened here last night? Chandler: Sure! Just give me a second to get all huffy and weird like you! Do you believe that who everdid something over here last night did what they did or didn't do ...I mean come on!! Ross: OK you...you really don't know what I am talking about? Chandler: No! Ross: OK! Last night after the party I saw Rachel kissing that jerk from her office out on your balcony. Chandler: Our balcony? Seriously? That's so funny because I told Monica we should put lights on our balcony. And she said"No, no. It's too cold, nobody will go out there." And I said "Maybe if we put some light out there they will" Ross: Right that's why I came over to talk about. Hum...I saw Rachel kissing some guy on your balcony,even though there were NO LIGHTS ! Chandler: So are you gonna...talk to her? Ross: Why...Why should I? I mean if she wants to move on, that's fine! Chandler: You know when "That's fine" sounds true when someone yells it and spits! Ross: No I'm serious. I mean she wants to date people? Fine! I don't care but...at least she could have told me. You knowI...I've been putting my life on hold and just concentrating on Emma but if she wants to go out there kissing guys shebarely knows, then so will I ! Very funny! Ross is gay! Ah! Ah! Chandler: No no no. Good. So you're moving on? Do you have any idea where you're moving? Ross: I don't know. I mean I have plenty of opportunity. Just just now there were some women at the coffee house smiled at me.And then the other day on the subway a woman "accidentally" sat on my hand. Chandler: Dude, don't rub my face in your crazy single life! Ross: Well, and how about this? There is an anthropologist at school who totally came on to me during the inter-departmentalPotluck dinner. Chandler: Why did I get married?! Joey: Hey! Let me ask you guys something. I have a new headshot taken tomorrow right and the photographer said she thinks Ishould have my eyebrows waxed. Is that weird for a guy? Phoebe: Well it depends. Joey: On...? Phoebe: On how far along he's in the sex change process! Monica: No I totally disagree. No I think it's fine for a guy to do something like that. Such you an actor. Not that you need to,your eyebrows are... Joey: Ok! Stop it you guys! Stop staring! You're freaking me out! Phoebe: Your knuckles are kinda hairy too... Joey: Oh man! I have to get those done too?! Phoebe: Wow! Talking about high maintenance Joey: Hey hey! You dye your hair! Phoebe: I'm a woman! Joey: Arghhh! Double standards! Phoebe: Oh before I forget, are you coming to Mike's piano bar tonight? Monica: Only if I don't have to get up and sing. Phoebe: But everybody sings. It's so much fun! Last time this adorable old man got out there, forgot all of the words, flipped outand everyone booed him off the stage. So funny. Monica: It's just, I'm not good at singing. Phoebe: Oh! What's the matter? Are you scared? You're afraid I'm a better singer? You're afraid I'm gonna beat you at singing? Monica: No no, it's not working on me. Wow! I must be growing up! Phoebe: OK fine! Please come and support Mike. You don't have to sing. Monica: So I don't have to sing and I can just sit there and pass judgments on others? Phoebe: While drinking... Monica: I'm there! Rachel: Hi guys! Listen I really need your help. I think I did something really stupid. Phoebe: Well yes Rachel but you got something so beautiful out there Rachel: No not that. I kissed Gavin last night. Phoebe: Oh my god. Monica: You kissed him? Rachel: Yeah. It was after the party, we were on the balcony and... Monica: Wait wait wait. I was at home the whole time. How did I missed that? Phoebe: It was the end of the party, you were probably ironing wrapping paper. Monica: Oh yeah...So how did you end up kissing? Rachel: You know we were all alone and he was being really nice to me and, oh and he gave me this scarf... Monica: I thought you hated him? Rachel: You know honey, there is a thin line between love and hate, and it turns out that line...is a scarf! Monica: So are you thinking of starting up something with this guy? Rachel: I don't know. It's so complicated. I work with this guy, you know, I have the baby, and I have Ross, and I just...I don'tknow what to do and I have to be at the office and see Gavin in ten minutes. Monica: Sounds like you need to think about what you want, talk to Gavin, and you definitely should talk to Ross Rachel: Or...I could call in sick and not deal with it at all... Phoebe: Wow! Five-month maternity leave, you're back for four days, kiss a co-worker, call in sick, they are lucky to have you!! Salon girl: Hi Joey: Hey. I'm here for my eyebrow appointment. Salon girl: Name? Joey: Chandler Bing. Salon girl: Ok. Very good. Have a seat right over here Mr. Bing and Sonia will be right with you. Joey: OK Thanks.. I touched the stuff Sonia: I'll take care of it Joey: Thanks. Do you get a lot of guys in here? Sonia: Oh absolutely. Joey: Oh good... Sonia: Are you looking to meet somebody? Joey: All right let's just do this. Sonia: We'll get to the wax in a minute. First I want to tweeze some of the strays, ok? This may sting just a little bit... Joey: Please I have an extremely high threshold...Holly Mother Of God! My face! My face!! I'm all right! I'm all right!Just a little bit of shock that's all but I'll be fine you can go again. I'm OK Dammit! Woman!! How Hoooow! Chandler: Hey it's the most eligible man in NY. How's the moving on going? Ross: Not well. I went on the subway again and someone did sit on my hand but that person was neither female nor wearing pants. Chandler: Well maybe you're going about this the wrong way. You know I mean think about it. Single white male, divorced three times,two illegitimate children. The personal ad writes itself.... Ross: That's funny...Do you think you'll ever work again? Chandler: What are doing? You know I can only dish it out! Ross: I can't believe Rachel just moved on and didn't say anything to me Chandler: Maybe she didn't move on, you know...maybe that kiss was just an impulsive one-time birthday thing Ross: No no, about a month ago she gave her number to some guy in a bar. Chandler: Did she go out with him? Ross: No. When he called, I...I threw the message away. Chandler: Ah! The high road... Ross: You know what? Enough! Enough talking! I have to get moving! Hey check out those two blondes over there!Hey come with me! Chandler: Are you trying to get everybody divorced? Ross: You don't have to do anything. It will just be easier if it is the two of us, like college, remember? You...you break theice with some kind of jokes so that they know you're the funny one and I swoop in with some interesting conversation, sothey'll see that I'm the brilliant, brooding, sexy one... Chandler: I thought I had to make the jokes! Ross: Don't you have to be at work? Chandler: Oh come on! Hello! Hi! My name is Chandler, here's my friend Ross right here, and we were wondering you know if you're up for it. We only need six more people for a human pyramid...Swoop!! Swoop!! Ross: Hum...So...hum...Oh hey I noticed you were reading the paper...another flood in Europe? Here�s a question: "Would you...would you rather drown or be burnt alive?" Blonde girl: Sorry...we were just leaving Chandler: We still got it! Rachel: Who is it? Gavin: Gavin! I brought you some soup. Rachel: Why? Gavin: I heard you were sick... Rachel: Oh! Right! Yeah! Hold on, I'll be just clean up in here a little bit! Hello Gavin Gavin: I missed you at work today. How are you feeling? Rachel: I a not gonna lie to you, I'm pretty sick Gavin: Oh! Good! Because I was having a totally paranoid moment when I thought you called in sick to avoid me. Rachel: Oh no no no Gavin: So I had fun last night Rachel: So did I Gavin: Exactly how contagious is this thing you have? I mean is it a cold for standing on the balcony or did a monkey bite you? Rachel: It's just a cold Gavin: Do you have fever? Let me see. Hum... Rachel: What? What's the matter? Gavin: What's Ross doing to you on that picture? Rachel: Oh he's dusting me with a fossil brush. He thought it would be funny. Gavin: Right. Right. Ross. So what's the deal with you guys? I don't want to get in the middle of anything Rachel: Oh you're not. You're not gonna get in the middle of anything, don't worry about Ross really, really. Oh! Hide! That's Ross! Hide! Hide! Gavin: Yeah! But you said not to worry about... Rachel: I lied! And I'm not sick! Just stay behind the curtain! Molly: Hi! Rachel: Oh! Molly! You're not Ross. Molly: No I'm here to take Emma to your mother's, remember? Rachel: Right, right, yes! Molly: Don't panic! Rachel: What? Molly: There is a man behind your curtain. I have a mace in my purse. Rachel: No! That's OK! That's OK! That's OK! No no no no! This is my business associate Gavin. He's just being silly.Gavin come out from behind that curtain! Gavin: Hi! Gavin! Please to meet you. It was my idea to stand there. Molly: Hello! I just go and get Emma. Rachel: OK. Gavin: So hum...Why did I have to hide? Rachel: I thought it was Ross. Gavin: So what if it was? I thought there was nothing going on between you two... Rachel: There isn't. There is totally isn't. Gavin: You hear a key in the hole and you jump like a young bronco coming out of a chute for the first time. I used to be arodeo clown. Rachel: All right. Look. Gavin...I...I guess I felt guilty that you were here, which I shouldn't. You know Ross and I are not inany relationship but...he is the father of my child, and you know we do live together and plus there is just so muchhistory...you know it's just...I don't know, I'm sorry, I'm just all over the place. Gavin: It's OK. I know it's probably not my place but can I give you a piece of advice? Rachel: Yes Gavin: I think you should talk to Ross about all this. Rachel: People keep saying that. Oh I'm sorry Gavin Gavin: Don't be. It's just bad timing. Rachel: So seriously...rodeo clown? Gavin: One of the best, ma'am, one of the best... Phoebe: "No time for losers, 'cause we are the champions of the world...!" Thank you! Mike: Oh she's my girlfriend. That's not just how we do it here. I got to get a break and when we come back we've got Kennethsinging "I touch myself"...I'm not here to judge! Phoebe: Hi hi...Oh you have got to sing. Monica: No I told you I can't. Phoebe: But you would have so much fun and you have a really nice voice. Monica: What have you heard me sing? Phoebe: All the time when you're cooking. Monica: What? Phoebe: Yeah you're always singing "Yummy yummy yummy, I've got love in my tummy" Monica: Yeah I do rock that one. Phoebe: OK so isn't there a little part of you that wants to get up there? Monica: Just a little but...it's just so scary! I don't even know what I would sing... Mike: Well I've got a book around... Monica: "Delta Dawn" Ross: Hi! I could help not notice, but that's an unusual necklace Woman: You already hit on me an hour ago Ross: Right, so that's a firm "no". I cannot believe this, I just keep striking out. Chandler: I don't get it neither, I mean you're obviously desperate, you're asking women how they want to be killed Ross: This is great. Rachel's gonna keep kissing guys until she finds the one she wants and I'm gonna die alone. Chandler: By drowning or...?! Michelle: Why would he break up with me? Her friend: I don't know sweetie. Michelle: All I ever wanted was just love him and have him love me back. I mean, am I so unlovable? Chandler: Well... Ross: I know! Mike: All right, that was Kenneth with his much too literal rendition of "I touch myself". Coming up next we've got Monicasinging "Delta Dawn". Monica: Wait wait! I can't sing in front of all these people. Phoebe: Just pretend they're not even here! It's OK Monica, when that spotlight hits you it so bright you won't see anyoneanyway. Monica: Hi! I'm Monica and I'm gonna be singing "Delta Dawn""Delta Dawn, what's that flower you have on? Could it be a faded rose from days gone by? ..." Phoebe: Can you totally see through her shirt ? Mike: Like an X-Ray. Bad day not to wear a bra. Monica: "To take you to his mansion in the sky-y?" Joey: Hey, I need your help. Chandler: Wow, it seems serious. What seems to be the problem, Ashley Judd? Joey: Look, I'll get new headshot taken, all right, so I want to get my eyebrows shaped Chandler: I am sorry, moment to make fun of that, please! Joey: You may be a sissy but I'll still . All right, it hurts so bad, I could only let her do oneeyebrow and now... they don�t match! Chandler: It�s like a baby caterpillar chasing its mama! Joey: All right, look, you got to help me out, ok? Look, I have the magic marker, I want you to fill in the skinny one soI don�t look stupid for my pictures. Chandler: Ok. First of all, this is green! Joey: What the hell am I supposed to do! Chandler: All right, I will help you out but you have to promise me you will not tell anyone what I am about to tell you. Joey: What, what. Chandler: Ok, you know how most kids get their allowance from mowing the lawn or taking out the garbage, well I earned mineby plucking the eyebrows of my father and his �business� partners. Joey: Oh my God! Chandler: Yeah, well, I guess you don�t need my help Victor Victoria! Joey: Ok all right, no, no, no, no, I do, I do, I do, I need your help, but Chandler I don�t know if I can take anymoreplucking. It hurts so bad! Chandler: Oh, not with my combination of ice cubes, aloe Vera and my gentle self-loathing touch. Monica: "Take me to the mansion in the sky-y". I am sorry, the song is over. Did you see me out there? Phoebe: Every little bit of you! Monica: I can�t believe I did this. I can�t believe I'm singing for the people, and they liked me! Hey, did you hear thatone shouting �look at those tips�! I mean, did I really help you get a lot of tips? Mike: Sure. Phoebe: Mon', not that you didn�t sound good, but... Monica: Good? Didn�t you hear them...I was great! Thank you so much for making me do this. That�s is the best gift ever. Mike: Also a good gift? Underwear. Michelle: Thank you so much for letting me do this. Public bathrooms freak me out, I can't even pee, let alone doanything else. Ross: But, what�s great is that you don�t mind talking about it. Michelle: It�s so amazing I met you the same day that Eric broke up with me, because it�s like you lose a boyfriend,you get a boyfriend. Ross: Uh-ah! Michelle: No don�t worry, this is not some rebound thing. I am totally over Eric. Ross: . Good choice Ross. Rachel: Oh, hey! Hi, there you are, I�ve been looking for you everywhere! Ross: Oh, yeah, hello, well, now, here I am. Rachel: Listen, my mum is not bringing the baby back until nine o� clock. So I was hoping you and I could have achance to kind of talk� somebody here? Ross: Oh, yeah, yeah that�s Michelle. Rachel: Who? Ross: Oh, just this woman I�ve been seeing. Rachel: You�ve being seeing someone? Ross: Yeah, didn�t I mention that? Yeah, I mean, we haven�t being going out for too long, but rather there is thisamazing connection between us. I-I mean, in fact just before you came in she called me her boyfriend. I thought it wasa little too soon, but it was also, you know, it was kinda nice. Michelle: What are you taking amoxicillin for? Ross: How great is this? You are already comfortable enough to look through my stuff. Oh, I am sorry Michelle, that�smy roommate, Rachel. Rachel: Hi, and I am also Emma�s mother. Michelle: Ah, who is Emma? Ross: I told you about my daughter. Michelle: This is your daughter? I can be your new mummy! Chandler: And done! Joey: Oh my God! I didn�t feel a thing ! Hey, are you still looking for a job because you can tweeze circles aroundthat sadistic bitch at the saloon Chandler: Thanks. You wanna see what it looks like? Joey: Yeah, yeah. Hey, they totally match! They look great! They look great! How you doing! Chandler: Yeah, yeah, I think it looks pretty good. I was a little worried I was uncovering a birthmark right aboutthere, but it turned out to be a little piece of chocolate. Joey: Thank you so much. Chandler: No problem. Joey: Listen that�s a pretty girly hour we just spent, we should add some manly make up for it. Chandler: Yeah. Joey: Comb my eyelashes. Monica: Ok, for my next song I think I�ll sing something a little more upbeat. All right? Oh, how about the PointerSisters �I am so excited�. And make it bouncy! Phoebe: Oh you�ll probably take care of that on your hands. Chandler: I am sorry I am late. You�ll understand when you�ll see Joey. Monica: Honey, you�re just in time, I�m about to sing another song! Chandler: Really? In front of all this people? Monica: And they love me! Chandler: Oh my God! Phoebe: Yes, she gives the people what they want. Monica: All right, watch! Monica: "Tonight's the night we're gonna make it happen, tonight we'll put all other things aside. Give in thistime and show me some affection..." Chandler: Are those my wife�s nipples? Phoebe: Oh? Isn�t that funny? I didn't see that before, I wouldn't have let her go up again. Chandler: I gotta stop this. Monica: Oh, who cares, they still love me! "I am so excited..." Chandler: You, touching yourself, out! Rachel: Wow. She does that a lot! Michelle: Ross, you didn�t tell me you were a doctor! Rachel: What, what, wait a minute! You haven�t even told her you were a doctor, yet? How long have you known her, likean hour? Michelle: Actually about an hour and a half. Ross: I told you it wasn�t long, but there is an amazing connection between us. Michelle: You feel that too? Oh, I thought that was just me! Ross: Are you kidding? Michelle: Hey, do you want to go away this weekend? Ross: We�ll see. Rachel: Ok, Ross, what�s going on here, are we just bringing strange women back to the apartment now? Ross: I don�t know, are we just kissing guys on balconies? Rachel: How do you know about that? Ross: Through the magic of sight! I was here, putting our child to sleep... Michelle: Emma. Ross: When I happened to look through the window and I see you kissing a guy you know, for what? A week? Rachel: Oh, that�s what this is all about? Did you bring her up here to get back at me? Michelle: No, actually, see I had to pee, �cause I can�t use public bathrooms because the doodie parasites. Ross: Ok, Michelle, it�s time to go. Michelle: Well, call me! Ross: Ok. Michelle: No, wait, you don�t have my phone number! Ross: You know, if it�s meant to be, I�ll guess it. Bye, bye. Rachel: Score. Ross: Oh, I am sorry, did you not like her, because I was hoping that we could come to one of your kissing parties onthe balcony. Rachel: Oh God, I can�t believe you�re making such a big deal about this. It was one kiss, one guy, one time! Ross: Oh, really! Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Oh, really! Rachel: Oh yeah. Ross: What about the guy from the bar? Rachel: What? Who? Ross: The guy you gave your number to. Rachel: Whoa, how do you know about that? Ross: Because he called here looking for you. So don�t tell me this...this kissing this guy from work is a one time thing,ok? You�ve been out there in bars and on balconies for over a month now. And you didn�t even have the courtesy to tell me. Rachel: Why didn�t I get that message? Ross: What? Rachel: From the guy in the bar, why didn�t I get that message? Ross: Because I folded it up and put in my pants pocket. Do you...do you not look there? Rachel: Ross? Ross: I never gave it to you. Rachel: Why? Ross: I don�t know. Rachel: Oh God. You know what? Who you think you are? Who are you to decide what messages I should or should not get? Ross: Who am I? Rachel: Yes. Ross: I am the guy who�s taking care of our baby while you�re out at bars meeting guys! Rachel: Oh my God, I cannot believe this. You know I actually came in here hoping to have a mature conversation with youAbout us! But I can�t do that with someone who hides my messages and brings crazy women back to my apartment! Ross: None of the sane ones wanted to come back with me! That�s not the point. Ok? The point is you...you are the oneWho moved on and didn�t tell anyone! Rachel: Oh, Ross, this is just so messed up! What�s wrong with us? You know when people hear about our situation theyAlways ask, �what, you live together but you�re not a couple? And you have a baby, isn�t that weird?� And I say �No.You know what, it�s not, because it works for us!� But you know this doesn�t work. In fact this is the opposite of working! Ross: Uh, clearly. Rachel: And you know, we said that we would, we would live together as long as this makes sense. An maybe this, you know,Just doesn�t make sense anymore. Ross: Yeah, maybe not. So what you wanna do? Joey: Hey! Rachel: Hi. Can Emma and I live here for a while? Joey: Ha, oh, of course. Rachel: Thank you. Joey: Your eyebrows look weird. Chandler: �Jeremiah was a bullfrog. Was a good friend of mine, never understood a single word he said, but I helped himdrink his wine.� So you just touch yourself for anything? END Written by Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer Transcribed by Marita Bakken Joey: Morning, roomie! Rachel: Hey! You remembered to put clothes on this morning. Joey: Fifth day's a charm. Rachel: Oh, Joey, it's so great to be back here. I gotta tell you, you're making it so easy on me and Emma. Joey: Hey, it's great having you back. You know, stay as long as you want, and when does she stop crying all night? Ross: Hey, you're not naked! So hey, Rach, when will we expect to see you tonight? Rachel: Well, I'll probably be back to pick her up around six, but she's in the bedroom all ready to go. But she did actually fall back to sleep, so... Joey: She's probably exhausted from all that adorable screaming she did last night. Rachel: Bye! Ross: Bye! Hey, I hope Emma isn't making it too hard on you. Joey: No, hey, it's been great. Ross: Yeah? Joey: Yeah. And look, I just want you to know that with Rachel staying here and everything, all my feelings from before are totally over, okay? And even if they weren't, when you accidentally walk in on a woman using a breast pump... Ross: Yeah, that'll do it. Joey: Wow! So, how are you? Ross: I'm, I'm okay. Joey: Really? Ross: Sure, I mean, do I wish me and Rachel living together would have worked out? Of course. You know, I'm disappointed, but it's not like it's a divorce. Joey: Well, actually it... Ross: No, it's not a divorce, it is not a divorce! Anyway, I think Rachel and I need to, you know, get on with our lives, maybe, maybe start seeing other people. Joey: Wow, really? Ross: Yeah, sure, why not? In fact, if you know anyone that would be good for me... Joey: Sure, I know lots of girls. Ross: Yeah? Any names come to mind? Joey: Ooh, names? Opening credits. Phoebe: Hey. Joey: Hey. I was just gonna get something to eat. You want something? Phoebe: What you got? Joey : Okay, let's see, we got strained peas, strained carrots... Ooh! Strained plums. We haven't tried that yet. Phoebe: Goodie! Thanks. So, how is it living with Rachel again? I mean, apart from the great food. Joey: I'm fine, I'm fine, it's just, it's just weird what's happening with her and Ross. You know, yesterday he asked me to fix him up with somebody. Phoebe: Oh my god, Rachel asked me if I knew anyone for her too. Joey: Why are they doing this? Phoebe: I don't know. They're so perfect for each other; it's crazy. Joey: You know what's crazy? These jars. What is it, like two bites in here? Phoebe: I just wish they'd realise they should be together. Joey: I know, I know. And when they moved back in together, I figured y'know, that's where things were headed. Phoebe: I know. They should be a family. They should get married and have more children. Joey: Yes, and they should name one of their kids Joey. I may not have kids; someone's gotta carry on the family name. Phoebe: You know what? Maybe once they start dating, and they see what's out there, they'll realise how good they are for each other. Joey: Yeah, because it is slim pickings. I had this date last night: Yuck! But we should probably keep it down; she's still in the bedroom. Phoebe: So, what are we gonna do? Are we just gonna go ahead and set them up with people? Joey: I know; that just pushes them further and further apart. Phoebe: Yeah. Oh, I know what we can do. We could set Ross and Rachel up on horrible dates, so that they'll realise how good they are together. Joey: Ooh, that's a great plan! Phoebe: Yeah, you know what the best part of it is? I get to do my "plan-laugh." Joey: Shhh! Not so loud, we don't wanna wake up, uh... Rachel: Hey! Monica: Hey! Rachel: You guys aren't doing anything tonight, are you? Chandler: See, now, why would you assume that? Just because we're married? I will have you know that we are very hip, happening people. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to reading the obituaries. Rachel: I was just asking 'cause I need someone to watch Emma tonight. Monica: Sure, we'll do that. What are you up to? Rachel: Well, Phoebe set me up on a date. Monica: Oh my god. Chandler: Wow. Rachel: Why? What's the big deal? Monica: Just figured, 'cause you and Ross are... Rachel: What, slept together a year and a half ago? Yeah, I'm all set. Chandler: Well, I think it's great that you're going on a date, you know? I mean, it sounds healthy. I mean, you have needs. Embrace your womanhood! Monica: You want a job? Turn off "Oprah," and send out a resume! Rachel: So I'll bring her by around seven? Is that okay? Monica: Oh, it's perfect. Rachel: Oh, you guys are gonna have so much fun! She's at such a cute age. Oh, a couple things. Now that she's eating solid food, she poops around the clock. And watch out for your hair, 'cause she likes to grab it. And oh, she's also in this phase where if you leave the room, she screams bloody murder, but ah... Thanks, you guys. Have fun! Chandler : Suddenly I wish I was reading my own name. Phoebe: Ooh, Joey. Joey: Hey. Phoebe: Hey. I'm so excited; I just set up Rachel with the worst guy tonight. Joey: All right! Who is he? Phoebe: Well, it's this guy I used to massage. And by massage, I mean hold down so he wouldn't turn over and flash me. Joey : Okay, okay. Wait till you hear who I got for Ross. Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Joey: She's this really boring woman. She's a teacher! Phoebe: A teacher? Joey: Yeah, yeah, she's really into history and foreign movies... And oh, oh, she loves puzzles. Huh? Come on, who loves puzzles? Phoebe: Well, Ross does. What... You're - you're ruining the plan! Joey, you've - you've fixed him up with his perfect woman! Joey: Oh my god, you're right! Phoebe: Yeah. Joey: She even reads for pleasure! Phoebe: How do you even know a woman like that? Joey: What? I'm not allowed to know smart women? Phoebe: Joey. Joey: I met her at the library. I went in to pee. Phoebe: So now what do we do? Joey: Well, okay, I'll - I'll just call her and tell her the date's cancelled, and find him somebody else. Phoebe: What if we don't find him somebody else? We'll just tell her the date's off, but we don't tell Ross, and he goes to the restaurant and gets stood up! Joey: Ooh...I hear that's bad. Phoebe: Ooh, so this is great! Rachel's gonna have a terrible date, Ross gets stood up, and then they'll realise how good they have it together. Joey: Ah, yes, The Plan! Phoebe: It's not Santa's plan. No, it's... Joey: Yeah, you know, it's not that fun. Phoebe: No, I think we killed it. Chandler: Emma? Emma? Look at me! Well, I think I'll go downstairs for a while. Chandler: No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! It's okay, it's okay. I didn't go. Don't cry, it's just a bit! I'm your uncle Chandler; funny is all I have! Monica: Okay, just so you know, I'm gonna be ovulating from tomorrow until the sixth, so don't touch yourself in the next 48 hours. Chandler: I don't do that. Chandler: I'll try to stop. Wait, did you say until the sixth? Monica: Yeah. Chandler: Today is the sixth. Monica: No, it's not. Chandler: Yes, it's also 2003. Monica: Oh my god. Today's the sixth?! I may be done ovulating! I may have also served some very questionable meat at the restaurant. Chandler: It's okay. Go take the test and see if we're okay. Monica: Okay. Chandler: Tough crib. Monica: Hey, where are all my ovulation-sticks? There's only one here. Chandler: I might have checked to see if I was ovulating a couple times. Monica: Chandler! Chandler: I am not working. There's not much to do around here! Ross: Excuse me, is there a woman waiting at the bar? Someone average height, dark hair, perhaps doing a puzzle? Waiter: Uh, there's a drunk Chinese guy. Ross: Well, if I'm still here in an hour, buy him a drink on me. Waiter: Can I get you another glass of wine? Ross: Nah, I don't know if I should. I don't wanna be drunk when I go home alone. Waiter: Got stood up, huh? Ross: Yeah, it's no big deal. It's just a blind date. Waiter: Are you worried your date came, saw you, and left? Ross: No! Monica: We're okay. I'm still ovulating. Chandler: Oh, good, because as of four o'clock this afternoon, I am not. Monica: So, let's do this. Chandler: I - I don't think I can. Monica: Come on. I know you're not eighteen anymore, but give it a minute. Chandler: Because of Emma. Monica: Oh my god, Emma. Oh, sweetie, I forgot you were here. Oh, you're right, we can't do this. We can't leave her alone. Chandler: Sorry. Monica: Unless... Maybe we do it here. I mean, how much can she even be aware of at this age? Chandler: Well, she's aware when we leave the room. She may notice if we start... canoodling in it. Monica: Canoodling? Chandler: Well, I can't say "hump" or "screw" in front of the B-A-B-Y. Monica: I don't know. I mean, I guess having sex in front of a baby isn't so... Chandler: Horrifying? Scarring? Something people go to jail for? Monica: I guess you're right. Chandler: You guess I'm right? When we stayed at that bed and breakfast, you wouldn't have sex with me because you thought a deer was staring through the window. Monica: But what kind of a sick bastard wants to do it in front of a deer? Rachel: Wow, everything looks so good! I think I'm gonna have the chicken. Steve : I - I just have to say this; you're really beautiful. Rachel: Oh, well, that's - that's very sweet. Thank you. Steve: I'm kind of funny looking. Rachel: What? Steve: Oh, come on, you're way out of my league. Everybody in here knows it. Bet that guy over there's probably saying, "ooh, why she out with him? He must be rich!" Well, I'm not! Rachel : So, what do think you wanna order? I'm really excited about that chicken. Steve: I'm not funny either. So, if you were thinking, "well, he's not that good-looking, but maybe we'll have some laughs"... That ain't gonna happen. Rachel: Well, come on, Steve; let's not rule out nervous laughter. Hey, now wait a minute. Phoebe told me that - that you owned your own restaurant. That's impressive. Steve: I lost it. To drugs. Steve: I silk-screen t-shirts now. Rachel: Really? What's that like? Steve: It's really fulfilling doing something you hate for no money. That's right. I have no money, I'm not funny, I live in a studio apartment with two other guys, and I'm pretty sure I'm infertile. Rachel : Now, come on, come on, Steve. There must be something that you like about yourself. Steve: I do like my hair. Rachel: Really? Phoebe: Hello? Rachel: Phoebe, it's me. I'm going to hunt you down and kill you! Phoebe: Hey, Rach! Rachel: This is the worst date ever. How could you set me up with this creep? Phoebe: You know, you are talking about one of my dear, dear friends. Rachel: I don't care! This guy is a nightmare! Phoebe: Oh, right, so he gets a little crazy when he's stoned. Rachel: He's not stoned. Phoebe: Did he go out for a cigarette? Rachel: Yeah, four times. Phoebe: My dear, sweet Rach. Phoebe : Well, our plan is working. Rachel is having a miserable time, and Ross is just stood up somewhere at a restaurant all alone. Joey: Oh, great, pretty soon they'll be back together. Phoebe: By the time anyone's figured out what we've done, we'll be in sunny Mexico. Oh, wait, that's the end of a different plan. Monica: She's asleep. Chandler? Monica: What are you doing? Chandler: Emma was doing it! Monica: She's asleep. Chandler: Ooh, she's asleep, that means we can... Monica: Yes, but we have to be fast. Chandler : Okay, I'll try. And you can't make any noise. Monica : Okay, I'll try. Joey: Hello? Joey: Emma? Hey! Hi! Joey: How are ya? How are ya? Where are your babysitters, huh? Why's the bedroom door closed? Joey: You can't have S-E-X, when you're taking care of the B-A-B-I-E! Waiter: I've got bad news. The Chinese guy left. Ross: Eh, if it was meant to be, it's meant to be. Waiter: Look; you got stood up, who cares? We're gonna show you a good time. Just sit and relax. In fact, let me bring you a crab cake appetizer on the house. Ross: Wow, free crab cakes. Well, that's nice. Although I was hoping to have sex tonight. Waiter: Ooh... Ross: Just the crab cakes. Waiter #2: What are you doing? Are you trying to get him to stay? Because you can't do that. Waiter: Just get out of here, okay? Ross: What's - what's going on? Waiter: Eh, okay, the waiters have a little pool going. We have a bet on how long it'll take before you give up and go home. Ross: What? You - you're making money off my misery? Waiter: Well, if you stay till 9:20, I am. Ross: This is unbelievable. I - I have never been so insulted in my life. Now, if you'll wrap up my free crab cakes, I'll be on my way. Monica: Well, that was weird. You were loud, and I was fast. Chandler: I think we may have really done it this time. Monica: Oh, I wish I didn't have to wait to take a pregnancy test. Chandler: You may wanna get some more of those too. Chandler: Where's Emma? Monica: Oh my god, where's Emma? Where's Emma? Chandler: Don't ask me, I was in there canoodling you! Monica: Okay, okay, I'm sure that Rachel came home early and picked up Emma. You go look across the hall, and I'll call her cell. Chandler: Okay. Monica: Hey, you better hope that we're pregnant, because one way or another, we're giving a baby back to Rachel. Steve : I - I can't believe I�m crying in front of you. You must think I'm so pathetic. Rachel: No, no, no, I admire a man who can cry. Steve: Really? Rachel: Don't touch my coat! Rachel: Oh, sorry, it's my phone. Hello? Monica : Hey, Rach, how's it going? Rachel: Oh my god, this is the worst date ever! Rachel What's up? Monica: Hey, did you stop by here? Rachel: No. Monica: Oh my god, then... Monica: Oh, thank god! Emma, there you are! Rachel: What? What do you mean, "there you are"? Where was she? Monica: Oh, we were playing "peek-a-boo." She just � she loves it when I'm dramatic. Monica : Why the hell did you take her? Joey: Because you two were having sex! Monica: No, we weren't! Joey: Don't you lie to me! I could tell by Chandler's hair. You are so lazy. Can't you get on top for once? Chandler: All right, all right, we were. We were trying to make a baby. Monica's ovulating. Joey: Hey! It is unacceptable that you two would have sex with Emma in the next room. I'm gonna have to tell Rachel about this. Chandler: No, no, no. Monica: No, please don't. Please, Joey. She will kill us! Joey: Hey, I gotta! Unless... Monica: Unless what? Joey: Unless you name your firstborn child Joey. Chandler: What? Why? Joey: Hey, I may never have kids, and somebody's gotta carry on my family name. Chandler: Your family name is Tribbiani. Joey: You almost had me. Rachel: Well, uh... Steve: Look, I think I know the answer to this question, but... Would you like to make love to me? Rachel: Really, really not. Steve: Eh, it's just as well. Doesn't work anyway. Rachel: All right, well that's good to know. Good night, Steve. Ross: Hey, what's wrong? Rachel: I just had a rough night. Ross: Oh. Crab cake? Rachel: Eww! Ross: Well, what happened? Rachel: Oh, well, I...It's kind of weird talking to you about this, but... Ross: Monica told me you had a blind date. Rachel: Yeah. Ross: I did, too. Rachel: Oh. Ross: But is it technically a date if the other person doesn't show up? Rachel: Oh, oh no. Do you think she walked in, saw you and left? Ross: Why does everyone keep saying that? Rachel: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I wish my date hadn't shown up. Ross: That bad? Rachel: Well, he makes t-shirts for a living, and he thought it would be appropriate to give me this. Ross: Female body inspector? What size is that? Phoebe: Now, wait a minute. So, they're gonna name their first child Joey? Joey: Uh-huh. Phoebe: How - how do I get them to name the next one after me? Joey: It's easy, you just walk in on them having sex. Phoebe: Oh, so they owe me like, three Phoebes. Phoebe: Oh my god! Look, it's Ross and Rachel. Oh, the plan is working. Phoebe: Don't, don't do the plan-laugh. Ross: The first date we've had in months, and they were both such disasters. Rachel: Oh. Huh. You know, it is weird that Phoebe would set me up on a date that was awful on the same night that Joey set you up on a date that didn't even show. Ross: Wait a minute; you don't think it was intentional? I mean, that's just stupid. Joey: We're geniuses! Yeah, look at them, look at them, they're really bonding. Phoebe: Oh, yeah, they're falling in love all over again. Phoebe: Oh, they see us! Oh, they, they look mad. Oh, they figured it out. They're coming this way. Run! Joey: Where? Phoebe: Mexico! End credits. Joey: Can you believe they're still not here? Ross: I know. A double blind date, and we both get stood up. What are the chances? Joey: I know, I'm so bummed. Can we have our free crab cakes now? Waiter: What? Joey: We've been stood up. And we want our free crab cakes. Waiter: Guys, give it a rest. Nobody's betting on you tonight. Although we do have a pool going to see how long it takes that guy to cry. Steve: I have such fat hands! Chandler: End Transcribed by: r3v3LaT1oN with corrections and additional information by Keith Owen Chandler: Did you see our bank statement? Can this be right? Monica: I know...God. I haven't seen my savings take a hit like this since I was a kid and they came up with double-stuffed Oreos. What happened to all our money? Chandler: I'm not sure what they did, but I'm inclined to blame Enron. Monica: I guess with you doing the internship, we're just spending more than we're bringing in. Chandler: Maybe I should quit and get a job that pays. Monica: Oh, But you're finally doing something that you love! I can't ask you to give that up. Though it'd be nice if the thing that you love was y'know... finding gold. Chandler: You know what? You know what? I think we're making too big a deal out of this. ok? So we pay our bills a little late this month and maybe next month we cut back on a few things. And maybe we start eating out of Joey's refrigerator for a change. You're chef... what can you make out of backing soda and beer? Monica: Ok worse case scenario is...we borrow some money from my parents. Chandler: No! We're not borrowing money. Monica: Why not? Chandler: Because we don't do that. We are Bings! And if there's one thing my father taught me was... well to always knock before going into the pool house... but the other thing was never borrow money. Monica: Wow! I Had no idea you had this much pride. Chandler: That's right! I do! And I'm your man. And I'm going to get us through this situation even if it means you working twice as hard. Opening Credits Mike: I'm gonna go. Phoebe: Why?? Mike: I haven't been home in a couple of days and I need to get some more clothes. Phoebe: Oh...you don't have to go, I have something that will fit you. Mike: I put that tube top on as a joke. Phoebe: I want you to stay. Mike: I want to stay too but I've gone as bad as much use out of these boxers as I can.. Phoebe: Why don't you turn them inside ou... Mike: Done it. I'll be back in a couple of hours. Phoebe: I'll miss you. Mike: Me too. You know what? I just realised something. I don't wanna go home. Phoebe: Great! Ok...I'll go get the tube top. Mike: No, no! What I mean is, I hate going back to my apartment now... and partly because I live above a known crack den but... mostly because when I'm there, It's just, I really miss you. So.. do you want to move in together? Phoebe: Wow, Mike Hannigan...You sure know how to make a girl say "Hell yeah!" Mike: So we're doing it? Phoebe: Yeah! Let's do it! Let's live together! Oh god, we're really going to move in together! Mike: Yeah! Phoebe: I've always wanted to live with a guy. "Pick up your socks!" "Put down the toilet seat!" "No! We're not having sex anymore!" It's gonna be fun! Monica: Hey Joey! Joey: Hey! Monica: Listen...I need to know that what I'm about to ask you, will never get back to Chandler. Joey: I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about it myself. Chandler is my best friend, it would be wrong. Good......But wrong. Monica: Ok first of all...It would be great. But that's not what I'm here to talk to you about. I need to borrow some money. Joey: Aww, I don't know Monica y'know... erm... lending friends money is always a mistake. Monica: But Chandler lent you money! Joey: And I think he would tell you it was a mistake. Monica: Come on...I just need it for some rent and..and some other bills. Joey: Oh...how much? Monica: Two thousand dollars? Joey: Two thousand dollars!? What do you think I am? I soap opera star!? Monica: Yeah... Joey: That's right I am! Rachel: Hi you guys! Joey & Monica: Hey! Joey: Oo...what's in the bag? Rachel: Oh er... well you know Emma started crawling? I realised that this place, is very unsafe for a baby. So I went to the store and got some stuff to baby-proof the apartment. Joey: Oh...baby-proofing... Why is this such a big deal now? Y'know, when I was a kid it was like.. "Whoops! Joey fell down the stairs!" or er.. "Whoops! Joey electrocuted himself again!" Huh! Monica: Anyway erm, are you going to get a handyman to install this stuff? Rachel: No. I was just going to do this myself. Joey: You're gonna do it? Rachel: Yeah, Why? You don't think a woman can do this? Joey: Oh, women can. You can't. Rachel: Monica...would you please tell Joey that he is a pig? Monica: You're a pig. And you can't do this. Rachel: Wha!? What!? Come on! I found the hardware store all by myself! Joey: The hardware store is right down the street. Rachel: There is a hardware store right down the street? Phoebe: Hey you guys! Ok, we've got great news. Mike: Phoebe and I are moving in together. Monica, Chandler, Ross: Congratulations!/Good for you!/Great! Phoebe: I know it's so exciting! You know I've never lived with a guy before. Monica: Well you know it's just like living with a girl. Only they don't steal your makeup. Unless they're playing "This is what my sister would look like" Chandler: Yeah.... she's not so cute. Mike: I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Phoebe: Okay, well you put down the toilet seat. Mike: Yes dear. Monica: Is that a bit you guys do? Phoebe: Uh huh...we're playing you two. Monica: We don't do that! Tell her we don't do that! Chandler: Yes dear. Ross: I can't believe you guys are moving in together. That's, that's great! I mean...I'm happy for you guys.. Monica: I hear wedding bells. Phoebe: Monica slow down! Ok? I'm just excited to be living with him. You know I mean, I don't know, Can I see someday being married to Mike? Sure! Yeah. Y'know..I can picture myself walking down the aisle in a wedding dress that highlights my breasts in an obvious yet classy way. But do I want that house in Connecticut...you know..near the good schools where Mike and I can send Sophie and Mike Junior.. Oh my god I do. Ross: Phoebe, I had no idea you were so conventional. Phoebe: I know! I guess I am! Oh my god! Load up the Volvo I want to be a soccer mom! Mike: You ready to go? Phoebe: Yeah! You bet roomy! Monica: Don't you mean..groomy? Mike: What are you talking about? Phoebe: Oh please, these guys, we haven't even moved in yet and they have us picking out china patterns. Phoebe: China patterns!!!!! Rachel: This is easy...Can't do this! Chandler: Hey Joe! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Listen er..I need to ask you a favor but you can't tell Monica anything about it. Joey: I thought you didn't have secrets from Monica. Chandler: And that would have made the official party line. Monica and I are having a little financial trouble. Joey: Yeah, I know. Chandler: What? What do you mean you know? Joey: Err... I just figured it out! You know, I mean you're not working and the economy is bad. Chandler: Oh! Right. Joey: That's the fastest I have ever thought! Chandler: Anyway, err... I need to borrow some money. Joey: Oh! Sure! How much? Two thousand dollars? Chandler: Yes! Two thousand dollars exactly! How do you know that! Joey: Err...Well I...Know how much you used to make and I know how much your rent is. Chandler: Oh ok. Joey: I am on fire! Chandler Did you write a cheque to Monica for two thousand dollars? Did Monica borrow money from you? Joey: Err... Kind of. Chandler: I can't believe her! Did she tell you we were having money problems? Joey: Oh no no no no no... It wasn't... It wasn't because of your money problems, it was for something for her. Chandler: What? Joey: Something personal. Chandler: What would she get for herself for two thousand dollars that she wouldn't tell me about? Woman: Excuse me. Joey: Boob job. Monica: I don't want her to get a boob job! That's crazy! Joey: Well it's...It's not that crazy okay? Making them smaller, that would be crazy. Mike: Well hey, I wanna ask you about Monica's little "groomy" joke. Phoebe: Oh! Alright. Well I think the reason people laugh is becuase it's a play on the word roomy. Mike: I get the joke. Sophisticated as it was. Now the thing I wanna say is... maybe we should have talked about this before. Us living together, you're not expecting a proposal, right? Phoebe: Oh no! No no! Not at all. We're just moving in right now. See where it goes. Mike: Yeah well, that's the thing. For me it's as far as it can ever go. Phoebe: What do you mean? Mike: Look. Phoebe, I-I love you. Very much. But I never want to get married again. Phoebe: Oh. Wow. Mike: It's just my first marriage was, you know such a disaster. I kind of lost faith in the whole idea. Phoebe: Was it really that bad? Mike: At one point near the end she deliberately defecated..... Phoebe: Ok, well that's bad. But don't you think it might be different with someone else? Perhaps a blonde who always uses a toilet. Except for once in the ocean. Mike: Look it's not about who I would marry. And I was certain the first time I got married it would last forever. And I was totally wrong! Phoebe: But it's just... Mike: Look Phoebe, It's not about you. I just never wanna get married again. Phoebe: Oh! Mike: I'm sorry. Are you ok with that? Cause if not...maybe us moving in together isn't the best idea. Phoebe: No! I definitely don't wanna get married. No I just wanted to make sure you didn't want to too. Whew! Coz you know when we move in and you start changing your mind there's gonna be hell to pay mister! Mike: Trust me, I will never... Phoebe: Yeah I get that. Rachel: Hi! Monica: So you gave in and decided to call someone? Rachel: Yeah, I don't know who I was kidding. I can barely use chopsticks. Handyman: You're all set. Rachel: Oh thank you so much. Handyman: Thanks..... Chandler: Hey Rach! There she is...My perfectly proportioned wife. Rachel: Don't look at me I never get his jokes. Monica: Thank you? Chandler: Oh no..don't thank me. Thank you. You know there's not one thing I would change about you? Not one single thing! And definitely not... two... single things. Monica: Ok, you're being wierd. Do you want sex or did you do something bad? Chandler: No no! I just love the way you look, I am warm, for your form. Monica: Ok..You know the old classics you know,You look nice? They're still ok. Chandler: Well yes yes... You look nice can mean that your face looks nice. I want to compliment your body. I mean..I wouldn't change it. At all. And more specifically, I wouldn't want anything to get any bigger. Monica: Okay... Chandler: I mean, You wouldn't want any part of me to get any bigger would you? Don't answer that. Rachel: Just when you thought that dude couldn't get any wierder. Monica: I know why do you think he was so worried about me getting bigger? Rachel: I don't know! I mean, what brought that on? Monica: Oh my god. We're trying to get pregnant so he's probably starting to freak out about the fact that my body is going to change. Rachel: No you really think that's what it is? Monica: You heard him! "No bigger!" "You're perfect!" "Just don't get any bigger!" Oh my god he sounded just like my high school wrestling coach. You know what? I'm going to have to talk to Chandler. Rachel: Yeah! If you don't I will! Of course your body's gonna change. Your breasts are gonna get bigger, your ass is gonna get bigger, you're gonna lose bladder control. God! It's just such a magical time! Phoebe: Hi Ross: Hey! Phoebe: Listen, I wanted to ask you something about marriage. Ross: Oh great now you're seeking me out to make jokes? I mean I can see for all hanging out but to come to my home! Phoebe: No...I really wanted to know how you feel about it. Ross: Why? Phoebe: Mike doesn't ever wanna get married. Ross: Never? Phoebe: Never. Ross: wow, are you still going to move in with him? Phoebe: I want to, but I just want you to tell me that marriage isn't really that big a deal. You know that I won't, I won't be missing out on anything. That marriage stinks! Ross: Yeah, marriage... stinks! I mean if you wanna see a man gain weight and a woman stop shaving? Get them married. Phoebe: That's not how you really feel is it? Ross: No, I'm sorry. Look I don't think that's what you wanna hear right now but I can't help it. I love marriage. Phoebe: Seriously? You divorce-o? Ross: If you have to call me name, I prefer "Ross the Divorcer". It's just cooler. Look, I know my marriage isn't exactly work out. But I love to be that committed to another person. And Carol had some good times before she became a lesbian... and once afterward. I'm sorry. Phoebe: It's ok that's how you feel. Ross: But come on! I mean living together will be great! I mean you guys have so much fun and you love Mike. Phoebe: I do love Mike. Ross: Yeah see? And you are so excited about moving in together before, and you know what? You should be. It's a big deal! Phoebe: Yeah I guess you're right. Yeah thanks. This helped. Thanks. Ross: The Divorcer, to the rescue! Phoebe: It's not cooler. Ross: Yeah I just hurt it. Joey: Rach?! So I can't do anything I like???? Chandler: Hey Rach! Ah........ Perfection. Wouldn't change a thing. Not a thing. Monica: Honey? Chandler: Yeah? Monica: About that? Erm...I'm going to change. Chandler: But honey you don't have to. Monica: I'm going to get bigger! Chandler: Honey I... I love your breasts the way they are! Rachel: Argh. fascist Monica: Well, my breasts are going to get bigger weather you like it or not! And you know what? It's not just my breasts. My ass is going to get bigger too. Chandler: your ass?!?!? Rachel: Man, don't be surprised if her hands and her feet get bigger too! Chandler: They...do that? Monica: It's kind of a package deal! Chandler: God why why would you want to do that to yourself!? Monica: I thought I was something that we both wanted! Chandler: Alright look, if it means that much to you, a may be able to get on more with the big boobs. But the giant ass and the big clown feet? Rachel: Oh my god Chandler! If you can't handle this, what are you going to be like in the hospital? With the blood and the screaming and the little present that's shooting out of her!? Chandler: What? Rachel: Joey! Why did you tell Chandler that Monica was getting a boob job? Joey: Because she is! Monica: Joey, Chandler knows I borrowed the money. Joey: Mmmm hmm! For your boob job! Monica, Rachel, Chandler: It's over/Joe! Joey: OK so I'm out four thousand dollars and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger? Ross: Hey! What do you guys think about this. "Ross: The Divorce-Force". Phoebe: Better. Mike: Very cool. Ross: Hey Pheebs, you know I'm i'm really glad you came to talk to me the other day and I hope I was a little helpful. Phoebe: Oh yeah you were helpful! Yeah, no, thanks you. Ross: Good, good. Yeah coz the more I thought about it, the more I realised I don't think marriage is neccessarily the right path for you. Phoebe: What do you mean? Ross: Well, I know the other day in the coffeehouse you were caught up in the whole soccer mom thing? but is that really you? I mean can you honestly picture yourself in a Volvo? Phoebe: They are awfully boxy... Ross: I don't know you'd be so bored with marriage. I mean it's so... normal. Phoebe: Uh huh. Ross: Hey hey, can I help? Chandler: Well! We er..climbed up four flights of stairs, manueveored a narrow hallway, dodged a rabid pitbul... but these last three feet are where it gets really tricky. Ross: You know sometimes your words... they hurt. Joey: Hey uh, where do you guys want this? Rachel: Yeah, seriously coz this is really heavy. I mean not for me because i'm only pretending to hold this, but for these guys. Phoebe: Just one last time erm... the marriage thing... there's no wiggle room? None at all? Mike: No but... You don't want to get married either right? Phoebe: Right. Except that I do want to get married. Joey: Couldn't have this conversation down at the truck huh? Mike: You wanna get married? Phoebe: Someday. Chandler: Aaaaand....... hernia. Phoebe: I haven't exactly had a normal life and I never really felt I was missing out on anything but it just feels that now it's my turn some of the regular stuff. Mike: But if you wanna get married why didn't you say something before? Phoebe: Because I just didn't know how much I wanted it. And I love you, and I wanted to live with you. Mike: I want to live with you too! Let's do that! Phoebe: But I don't think I can! it was ok to move in when I didn't know what was gonna happen, but I can't move in knowing that nothing is ever gonna happen. Mike: Can we at least try living together? I mean you might change your mind about marriage. Phoebe: Are you gonna change yours? Mike: No. Phoebe: Me neither. I think I need to be with someone who wants what I want. Mike: But I don't want this to end. Phoebe: I don't want it to end either. Mike: I can't believe this is gonna end. I guess I'll have my stuff packed up. Phoebe: Yeah. Mike: Ok... so... Goodbye. Chandler/Joey/Rachel/Monica: Bye bye Mike!/Cya mike!/Bye mike!/Bye bye now! Rachel: I'm so sorry Pheebs. Monica: We're all sorry... Chandler: Ah, look on the bright side, I mean you won't have to live with this ugly chair! That was here already huh? I love you. Ending Credits Joey: AH HAH! I DID IT! HA HA! Alright... Better take all I can carry. Who knows when i'll be able to get in here again! End Aired: 3/13/2003 Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones Story by: Robert Carlock Directed by: Gary Halvorson Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh and Vanessa Chandler: Hey! Ready to go? Ross: Oh yeah, let me just finish this. Joey: Hey Ross, check this out! yeah, I can't do that! Chandler: What are you doin'? Ross: Have you seen this? It's a new alumni website for college! It's cool! You can post messages for people, let everyone know what you're up to. Chandler: Great, a faster way to tell people that I'm unemployed and childless . Ross: It's actually kinda interesting to find out what people are doing... remember Andrea Rich? Chandler: The tall girl who wouldn't sleep with you? Ross: Uh uh... well, her Internet Company went under and she lost an ear in a boating accident... Chandler: Bet she'd sleep with you now... Ross: No... I already e-mailed her. Chandler: Let me see what you wrote about yourself: "Doctor Paleontology, two kids... " You split with Carol because you have different interests?... I think you split with Carol because you've one very similar interest! Ross: You know what? I'm gonna finish this later, ok? Let me just grab my coat. Joey: Hey! Ross: Chandler: Maybe we finish this for him! "Also I cloned a dinosaur in my lab. She's now my girlfriend. I don't care what society says. It's the best sex I've ever had"... aaand SEND! Joey: No, no, no... what do... you can't do that to him! Ross: Alright, let's go! Joey: Dude! Ross: I think you made it clear you cannot be trusted with the ball inside the house! Joey: Opening credits Rachel: Hey! How was basketball? Joey: Oh, it was a lot of fun right up until Chandler got a finger in the eye! Rachel: Oh, no! Who did that? Joey: Chandler... hey... Rachel: She was just crawling around and she found him, so I just let her sleep with him. That's all right? Isn't it? Joey: Oh, yeah... of course... yeah... it's a stuffed animal... you know... it's for kids... not for adults... I know that! Rachel: Joey... are you sure? I mean, I know how much you love him! Joey: Rachel... let's be clear on this, ok? I do not love Hugsy. I like him a normal amount... Rachel: All right... Oh, Emma loves him! Joey: Why wouldn't she? He's a wonderful person! Phoebe: Hi. Monica: Hey Phoebe... how you doin'? You feelin' better? Phoebe: Breaking up sucks! Oh, I really miss Mike! Chandler: Oh, I'm so sorry! Phoebe: Oh God, I tried everything to make myself feel better. I even tried writing a song about it... but... I can't think of anything that rhymes with AARRGGHH!! Hey Monica, I really need your help getting through this... Chandler: You're not gonna need my help? Phoebe: Well no, when I get to the point where... you know... I'm ready to hear cruel mocking jokes about Mike... I'm gonna come to you. Chandler: Oh good, 'cause I've already thought of 3... 4! I've just thought of a fourth Phoebe: Ok. I mean I know I did the right thing. You know, Mike never wants to get married and I shouldn't be in a relationship that has no future... but... pretty soon I'm gonna miss him so much. I'm gonna wanna see him again and you have to stop me from doing that. Monica: Ok, you got it! Phoebe: Unless... Maybe it's too crazy about this... Alright so... you know, there is no future... but that doesn't mean we still can't have fun. You know what? Forget what I said. Monica: Really? If that's what you want... Phoebe: That was a test and you just failed. Monica: Damn it! Rookie mistake! Ross: I have sex with dinosaurs?? Chandler: I believe I read that somewhere! Ross: That only is not funny, it's physically impossible! Ok? Depending on the species I'd have to have a six foot long... It's not funny!! Chandler: I respectfully disagree. Ross: I can't believe you put that on my alumni page! Chandler: Who cares? Nobody reads those things Ross: You'd better hope not because I just read what you put on your page today. Chandler: I don't have a page. Ross: Oh oh oh! I RESPECTFULLY DISAGREE!! Joey: Look at you, all sweet and innocent, sleeping like an angel... with Emma's chubby little hands wrapped around ya. Rachel: : Step away from the crib, I have a weapon! Joey: It's okay, it's okay Rach, it's me. Put down the scrunchy. Rachel: What are you doing? Joey: Well, I heard Emma stirring, so I came to make sure she could reach Hugsy. Rachel: Oh, oh thanks. Alright well, now that I'm up I'm going to go to the bathroom. Joey: This isn't over. Monica: Alright, wait a second, why would Ross tell everyone in your class that you are as... "gay as the day is long"? Chandler: Because I told everyone he slept with dinosaurs. Monica: But that's clearly a joke. This could easily be true. Chandler: Would you get that please? People have been calling to congratulate me all day. Monica: Hello? No, he's not here. Yeah, this is his wife. Yeah, well, it came as quite a shock to me too. I guess I should have known. Yeah, I mean, he just kept making me watch Moulin Rouge. Chandler: Hang up, hang up. And that was a great movie! . Monica: What are you doing? Chandler: Oh, you'll see my friend. Ross: I'm dead? Chandler: And so young. Ross: Posting that I died? That really isn't funny. Chandler: Well, how you died was funny. Ross: Oh please, hit by a blimp? Chandler: It kills over one americans every year. Ross: Unbelievable, my classmates are gonna think I'm dead, my professors, my... my parents are gonna get phone calls. You're messing with people's feelings here. Chandler: You wanna talk about people's feelings? You should have heard how hurt professor Stern was yesterday when I told him I wouldn't be able to go with him to Key West! Ross: You've really crossed the line here, but that's okay, it's ok 'cause I'm on my way to buy some Photoshop software and a stack of gay porn. That's right! Your coming out is about to get real graphic. Phoebe: God, I wish Mike were here. Monica: Okay if Mike were here what would the two of you be doing? Monica: What are you, animals? It's 4 o'clock in the afternoon! Phoebe: I gotta call him. Just to talk to him, there's no harm in that. Monica: Phoebe, that's how it starts. I don't need to eat the cake, I'll just smell the icing... why don't I just eat a little sliver, or, okay, just a slice or two. And next thing you know, you're 210 pounds and you get wedged in going down the tunnel slide. Phoebe, honey, I know this is hard. Look, if you talk to him, you're going to wanna see him. And if you see him, you're going to want to get back together with him. I know that's not what you want. Give me your phone. Phoebe: Here. Monica: And now your cell. Phoebe: Okay Monica: This is your cellphone? Phoebe: Yes. Monica: This is your current cellphone? Phoebe: Yes, it reminds me of a simpler time. Monica: Phoebe, where's your purse? Monica: No, no! Give it to me! Phoebe: You can't have it. Monica: Give it to me! Phoebe: No Monica: I'll go in there. Phoebe: Oh yeah. Monica: Phoebe come here Monica: Haha! Phoebe: Damn you Monica Geller hyphen Bing! Joey: Hey, look who's here! It's Joey, and he brought home a friend. Rachel: Joey, Emma's right here! You promised not to bring girls home in the middle of the day anymore. Joey: No, no, it's not a girl, it's... a brand new Hugsy! Rachel: Oh that's so great, now Emma has two Hugsy's. Joey: No, no, Emma has one Hugsy, the new Hugsy, huh? The other Hugsy, I don't know, I guess I'll just take it back. Rachel: Oh you know what? When I was a little girl I had a little pink pony named Cotton. Oh I loved her so much, I took her everywhere, I would braid her tail... Joey: Make the transfer! Rachel: Should I be concerned that a button fell off the old Hugsy and I can't find it? Joey: Oh, no don't worry about that, I swallowed that years ago. Rachel: Oh, I don't think she likes the new Hugsy. Joey: But he's the same. Rachel: Yeah, I think she wants the old one back. Joey: But he's the same. Rachel: Joey, come on! Joey: He's the same! Joey: You're not the same! Monica: Haha! Phoebe: You know, it's a lot less surprising to do that after I've buzzed you into the building. Monica: So Phoebe, why are there men's shoes by the door. Phoebe: Those are my shoes. Monica: Oh, when you get over this breakup we need to go shopping. Phoebe: Monica, I really appreciate you checking in on me, but I'm actually feeling a lot better. Yeah, I just kinda want to be alone right now. Monica: Who's that? Phoebe: I ordered Chinese food. Phoebe: What are the chances? 1 billion Chinese people and they send Mike!? Monica: What are you doing here? Mike: Phoebe called me. Monica: Phoebe! Phoebe: I'm sorry, I broke down... I wanted to see him. Monica: Damnit Phoebe! How did you even call him? Phoebe: There is a speakerphone on the base unit... Monica: Base Unit! Think Monica! Think! Mike: Look, if I wanna see Phoebe and she wants to see... Monica: This doesn't concern you!! Mike: Oh! Sorry, I guess I was thrown off by the mention of my name! Monica: Look, guys, you can't do this, it's just going to make getting over each other, that much harder. Phoebe: Not if nothing happens. Why can't... why can't we just hang out as friends? Monica: Sure! If you're just gonna hang out as friends, then maybe I'll join ya. You know, I'm your friend . Phoebe: Sit down. Monica: Oh wow wow wow!! Make room for your friend! Mike: So how've you been? Monica: I've been pretty good! Mike: You look really beautiful. Phoebe: Thanks, you look good too. Monica: Oh no no no no... this is dangerous territory. Keep it clean! Phoebe: So how's the piano playing going? Mike: Actually I've been playing a lot of love songs lately. I've missed you. Phoebe: I've missed you too. Monica: You know, on the way over here, I saw this drunk guy throw up. And then a pigeon ate it! Chandler: Hey, Ross, I just wanted to apologize... ..don't tell me you actually made those gay pictures of me? Ross: uhu uhu, check this out. Chandler: Huh! So that's what I would look like if I worked out... and was being serviced by a policeman. You're not actually going to send these out are ya? Ross: Eh..actually no, I don't need to because your little "Ross is dead" joke didn't work, ok, there were no responses. Nobody posted anything on the website, nobody called my parents, so the joke my friend is on you. Nobody called, nobody wrote anything, nobody cares that I'm dead. Oh my God! Nobody cares that I'm dead!? Chandler: No, come on, you know that's not true. Ross: What are you talking about? You get sixty responses just for coming out of the closet! I didn't get one response! And I'm dead! Chandler: Well, the gay community is a lot more vocal than the dead community. Ross: I can't believe this. Not even my geology lab partner? And I carried that guy! Chandler: Alright look, let's think about this, ok, do you really think that people are gonna stir up your family at this tragic time? That people are gonna post condolences on a website? This is not about people not caring that you're dead .This is about people not having a decent outlet for their grief. Ross: You're right. There isn't a decent outlet. Chandler: Right, I mean, come on, I'm sure that if you had a funeral or a memorial service, tons of people would come. Ross: Exactly!! Chandler: Ross, what're you... what're you... what are you doing? You're having a memorial service for yourself!? Ross: No! That would be stupid! You're having it for me! Chandler: Ross, don't press send, don't press se... ! Ross: oh, too late, too late! It's sent... oops sorry and so is the picture of you and the police man... Rachel: I'm trying to put Emma down for a nap, have you seen Hugsy? Joey: Original or crappy? Rachel: Original. Joey: No, sorry haven't seen him. Rachel: Then what's that big lump under your covers? Joey: It's Monica, ok? Rachel: That's not Monica! Joey: Alright!! Fine! It's original Hugsy! No, now I know that Emma wants him but he's mine and I need him.. Rachel: Oh God. Joey: ... she's being unreasonable! Rachel: It's because it reminds her of her uncle Joey! Joey: It does? Rachel: Yeah! And she's comforted by him because she loves her uncle Joey so much. Joey: Really? She... she loves me? Rachel: Oh yeah! But you know what? If you need Hugsy, don't worry. Emma will totally understand. I won't... but whatever . Joey: Ok, wait wait wait wait a minute wait a minute, I mean Rach, I mean if if... . If Hugsy means that much to Emma then... well she can have him. Rachel: Oooh... you're sweet, I knew uncle Joey would step up. Look Emma, look who's baaack! Joey: Look forget it forget it... I can't do it. Rachel: Are you gonna... you're going to take Hugsy away from a little child? Joey: How do you think I got him in the first place? Monica: Alright you two, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Now I don't want anything going on while I'm gone. Here's a few things you can discuss: mucus, fungus and the idea of me and Ross doing it. Mike: I've missed you so much! No, I'm not gonna ask you to get back together because I know we want different things, but just to be with you one more night. Phoebe: I know, I want that too, but IS that going to make it too hard? Mike: It can't be any harder than this... I mean, If I had known the last time I saw you would be the last time, I... I would have stopped to memorize your face, the way you move, everything about you. If I had known the last time I kissed you would have been the last time... I never would have stopped. Monica: Kiss him, you fool!! Phoebe: What? Monica: Didn't you hear that speech? If you don't kiss him then I will! Phoebe: Oh, I missed you so much! Strange man: I knew you'd be here! Mike: Oh, crap! Phoebe: Who is this? Mike: My friend Manny. I asked him to keep me away from you. Monica: Hi, that's what I'm doing for Phoebe! Manny: Well, you are not doing a very good job! Monica: Excuse me? Manny: What's with the kissing? Monica: Hey, at least I knew where my guy was. Manny: Oh yeah yeah, thank God you were here to oversee all the kissing! Monica: You didn't hear the speech! Manny: I've heard the speech: "if he knew it was gonna be the last time he saw her... " Monica: Hey, it was very moving! You're just heartless! Manny: You're weak! Monica: You're... weird! Manny: Your pants are undone! Monica: Oh ! Manny: Where did they go? Monica: Damn it! Manny: Oh we blew it. I blame myself. Monica: And I blame you too. Ross: It's been an hour and not one of my classmates has shown up! I tell you, when I actually die some people are gonna get seriously haunted! Chandler: There you go! Someone came! Ross: Ok, ok! I'm gonna go hide! Oh, this is so exciting, my first mourner! Monica: Hi, glad you could come. Chandler: Please, come in. Tom: Hi, you're Chandler Bing, right? I'm Tom Gordon, I was in your class. Chandler: Oh yes, yes... let me... take your coat. Tom: Thanks... uh... I'm so sorry about Ross, it's... Chandler: At least he died doing what he loved... watching blimps Ross: Who is he? Chandler: Some guy, Tom Gordon. Ross: I don't remember him, but then again I touched so many lives. Monica: So, did you know Ross well? Tom: Oh, actually I barely knew him. Yeah, I came because I heard Chandler's news. D'you know if he's seeing anyone? Monica: Yes, he is. Me. Tom: What? You... You... Oh! Can I ask you a personal question? Ho-how do you shave your beard so close? Chandler: Tom: Hey, listen. Call me. Chandler: Ok! Ross: I'm dead and no one cares? Monica: I look like a man?? Chandler: Please, one ridiculous problem at a time! Ross: It isn't ridiculous, look around! No one's here! Chandler: You gave them one day's notice, not everyone in our class checks the web site everyday and Monica... it's probably the way you stand! Ross: Yes, you're right. Still somebody must have seen it... I mean, I went to that school for 4 years, I didn't have an impact on anyone? Chandler: Oh, that's not true. You had an impact on me, I mean, it's 15 years later and we're still best friends. Doesn't that count for something? Ross: Yeah... Oh, great. More party boys for Chandler! Chandler: I'm sure it's somebody for you. Now, go hide. Kori: Hi. I'm here for Ross Geller's memorial service. Chandler: Kori? Kori Weston? Kori: Yeah... Chandler: Wow! You look amazing! Kori: And you are... Chandler: Chandler, Chandler Bing. I'm not gay, I'm not gay at all. Monica: You are married though. Chandler: Don't listen to him, he's in a really bad mood! Kori: I can't believe that Ross is gone. It is just so sad. Chandler: I didn't know Ross and you were so close. Kori: We weren't but we had one class together. He was such a great guy and he talked so passionately about science. I always remembered him. Chandler: I'm sure that would mean a lot to him. And if heaven has a door, I'm sure he's pressing his ear up against it and listening intently. Kori: I thought so many times about calling him and asking him out. I guess I really missed my chance. Ross: But you didn't! I'm still alive!! Kori, I know this is a big surprise for you. It's a long story but the things you just said really made my day! I mean, the fact that you are here means more to me than if this room were filled with people! Kori: You sick freak, who does that? I can't believe I had a crush on you! Ross: Did you hear that? Kori Weston had a crush on me!! Ending Credits Ross: Monica? Teleplay: Sherry Bilsing - Graham & Ellen Plummer Story: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones Directed by: Gary Halvorson Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh, Roni & Vanessa Joey: Monica, hey, can I borrow the Porsche? Monica: Ok. Joey: Alright! Monica: But ehm...what is it not? Joey: A place to entertain my lady friends. Monica: And what else is it not? Joey: A place to eat spaghetti. Monica: Very good! What do you need it for anyway? Joey: Oh well, the powerball lottery is upto 300 million and they don't sell tickets here in New York, so... Rachel: Oh! So you're driving up to Connecticut? Joey: Yeah Connecticut...Not West Virginia. Monica: Hey, maybe I'll drive you up there! I'd like to buy some tickets myself! Joey: Uh! Monica: Yeah with Chandler not getting paid, we could really use 300 million dollars. Chandler: Yeah, because if I was at my old job we'd say 300 million? No thank you! Phoebe: Hey will you get me tickets too? Rachel: Yeah me too. oh! I have an idea. Why don't we all pitch in 50 bucks, we'll pool our money together and then if we win, we'll split it! Everyone almost simultaneously except Ross: yeah thats a great idea! Ross: No thanks! Phoebe: You don't wanna win the lottery? Ross: Uh...sure I do, and I also wanna be King of my own country and find out what happened to Amelia Earhart. Chandler: Still on Amelia Earhart? Ross: The woman just vanished! Joey: Seriously, Ross, you don't want in on this? Ross: No! Do you know what your odds are of winning the lottery? I...I mean you have a better chance of being struck by lightning 42 times. Chandler: Yes but there's six of us so we'd only have to get struck by lightning 7 times. Joey: I like those odds! Ross: Seriously you guys, I can't believe you're going to spend 250 dollars on the lottery, I mean that's such a bunch of boohaki. Chandler: Boohaki? Ross: Oh oh, we think Emma is about to start talking so we're trying to be careful about what words we use in front of her. Rachel: Yeah so get ready to hear alot of ehm...boohaki, goshdarnit and brotherpucker. Monica: How do you know she's gonna start talking? Rachel: Well when I talk to her I almost feel like she understands what I'm saying. Chandler: Kinda like Joey. Joey: What's that now? Opening credits Monica: God! Look at all these tickets! It's so exciting! You know I haven't won anything since the sixth grade. Chandler: Pie eating contest? Monica: Oh! You assume because I was heavy that's the only way I could win something? Chandler: No, I saw a picture of you covered in blueberries. Monica: That was a good day! Ross: They're towing your car, they're towing your car!! Monica: I'm parked in a garage on Morton! Ross: They're towing a car. And I am seeing...spots. Joey: Where's Emma? Who has Emma!? Rachel: Joey relax! My mother picked her up two hours ago. You were there! Joey: I was? Racel: Yes and you talked to her... Joey: I did? Rachel: She dropped off a casserole? Joey: Oh yeah! The casserole lady. Monica: So, did you come by to watch us win the big bucks? Ross: Yeah, uh... and then I figured after you win, we could all go out to the balcony and see a night rainbow with gremlins dancing on top of it! Chandler: Ross: Think he washed his hands? Chandler: Hello? Hey Charlie, what do you know? Rachel: What's going on? Monica: Chandler is supposed to find out if he's getting an assistent job at his ad agency. But out of the 15 interns, they are only hiring three. Joey: Ooh! Tough odds! Ross: Yeah if only it were a sure thing like your 24 state lottery! Joey: Look who's coming around! Chandler: Damnit. Alright call me when you know more. Joey: Did you get it? Chandler: One of the slots got filled. Joey: By you!? Chandler: Sense the tone! No that kid Nate got it. Monica: Oh! I hate that guy! I mean come on kid! Pull up your pants! Chandler: Yeah I know. Rachel: Well, there's two spots left right? Chandler: Yeah...I mean I want this so much! I mean, I wanna get one, I want my friend Charlie to get one...Except I don't care about Charlie. Phoebe: Hey you guys! Ok, you're not going to believe this! I just saw my psychic and she said I was definitely gonna win the lottery tonight! Monica: Hey that reminds me, I thought we could use some extra luck so I brought a wishbone home from work. Ross: A psychic AND a wishbone? Guys! Give someone else a chance! Monica: Alright, who wants to do it? Phoebe: Oh can I? Vegetarians never get to do the wishbone. It's really not fair either! You know, just because we don't eat the meat doesn't mean we don't like to play with the carcasses! Monica: Ok, hey Rach? Rachel: Oh no, I'm good, I don't wanna get that turkey smell all over my hands. Joey: I'll do it!! It'll get the casserole stink off of mine. Phoebe: I hope I win! Monica: Well, it doesn't really matter ... you're both wishing for the same thing, right? Joey: I can't tell you what I'm wishing for! Else...you know...won't come true! Monica: Right! .. but we "know" what you're wishing for! Joey: Can't really say! Monica: I understand, but you're wishing for what we think you're wishing for, aren't you? Joey: I'm not really comfortable with these questions! Rachel, Chandler and Monica: Please, just do it! Phoebe: One, two, three! Joey: I won, hey! Ross: You know what, I'm sure your wish is gonna come true, but, you guys - just in case, maybe a genie will come out if we rub this lamp! Ah!! That thing gets hot!! Rachel: You know, Ross, just keep making your jokes. How are you gonna feel if we actually do win? Ross: Uh, you're not gonna win. Rachel: Oh, I know, I know, the odds are against us, but somebody has to win, and it could be us! And then how you gonna feel? You know, we're gonna be all like "oh everybody, let's take our helicopters up to the cape" and you're gonna be all like "oh, I can't guys, I'll meet you guys up there, I gotta gas up the Hyundai" Ross: Ok, I've heard myself on tape and I sound nothing like that. Chandler: I can see the headline now: "Lottery winners' friend filled with regret eats own arm". Ross: Why would I eat my own arm? Chandler: Well you wouldn't, but we own the paper, we can print whatever we want. Monica: You know what, Ross? I'm gonna throw in 50 bucks for you. Ross: Why? Monica: Because I know that you think the lottery is "boohaki" but we're all here and gonna watch the numbers and have fun. And you're my brother, and I want you to be a part of this. Ross: You don't have to do that, I'll pay for myself. But just the fact that you want me to have fun with you guys - that's so sweet! Come here Phoebe: Get a room! Chandler: Ok, so now that you're in, what are you gonna do if we win? Ross: I don't know, probably just invest it. Chandler: Ooh! Calm down ... Joey: Seriously, that's your fantasy? To invest it? Ross: Oh, I'm sorry, did I say "invest it"? I meant "be cool and piss it all away" Joey: Ooh, ooh, I know! We should pool all own money and buy the Knicks! Rachel: I don't really care about the Knicks. Joey: Oh, you will when I pick you as starting forward. Rachel: You would do that? I never get picked! Chandler: You know, I'm not sure a sports team is the way to go. Joey: You're not gonna let me buy the Knicks?? I can't believe you're taking this away from me! Chandler: You're right, it has been you dream for over 15 seconds. Ross: Uh, how long until they announce the numbers, Mommy? Chandler: Uh ... Mommy? Ross: Oh, I've gotten into the habit of calling Rachel "Mommy" when we're around Emma. Which I now realize we are not ... Rachel: I'm hoping that if she hears it enough it will be her first word. Ross: Although if we're gonna do that, we should probably call me "Daddy" too. Phoebe: Oooh, I like that, "daddy" Ross: I ... I was just talking about Rachel. Phoebe: Oooh, is daddy getting angry? Is daddy gonna spank me? Ross: no I can't. Chandler: Hello? Hello? Oh, hey Charlie. Did anybody else hear? ... What? Susan got it?? How? Oh man, I would have slept with him!! .. Alright, bye. Joey: Dude, I'm sorry. But hey, there's one spot left, right? Chandler: Well no, Charlie's gonna get that. Monica: Hey, don't say that! You got just as good a chance as anybody else of getting that job! Chandler: He's the boss's son. Monica: Come on, lottery!! Rachel: Ooh, you guys, it starts in like 20 minutes. Monica: Ok, here we go. We need to sort out the tickets as quickly as possible to see if we've won. So does anybody have any ideas how to organize this? Ok, how about this: we divide them into 6 groups of 40, and the remaining 10 can be read by whoever finishes their pile first. Rachel: Ooh, I have another idea! Monica: I'm sorry, idea time is over. Phoebe: Ok, well, are all the tickets in the bowl? Monica: Yeah. Chandler: What about the ones you have on the nightstand? Monica: There are no tickets on the nightstand! Chandler: Yes there are, I just saw them a few minutes ago. Monica: Un, no you didn't! You must be mistaken! Chandler: Honey, there are like 20 tickets on the nightstand! Monica: Chandler, sense the tone!! Rachel: Well, well, well, look what mommy found!! Monica: Ok, fine!! I bought 20 extra tickets for me and Chandler. Phoebe: Uh! The psychic also said that I would be betrayed. Ross: I can't believe this, I thought we were all in this together! Monica: Hey, you just got in 5 minutes ago! Ross: 3 minutes ago!!! I don't know why that's important ... Joey: I was with you the whole time we were in Connecticut, when did you even get those? Monica: When you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off the plastic! Joey: I'll show you how. Rachel: Ok, well Monica, suppose one of your "special" tickets win? How are you gonna feel when you win the lottery and you lose all your friends? Monica: Please ... if I win the lottery, you guys are not gonna leave me. Someone gave me a basket of mini-muffins last week and I couldn't get rid of you for 3 days! Rachel: Chandler, would you just tell her what she did was wrong? Chandler: She's right, you shouldn't have bought tickets just for us ... Monica: Ahhh! Chandler: Let me finish ... Monica: There's the man I married!! Rachel: All right, believe me.If you win the lottery, it's the last you're gonna hear from us! Monica: Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! Yeah, and then I'll pay for their plastic surgery so they'd look just like you! Rachel: ! Joey: Yeah, I want my tickets too ! And I'm buying the Knicks! And Steffi Graff, ah ah! Ross: Than I want mine, too ! And if I win I'm gonna put it all into a very low-yield bond. Phoebe: Oh, you guys! We've got to keep all the tickets together Monica: No, no! We should divide them up and I should get extra because we used my card to buy them! Joey: Hey, if anybody gets extra tickets, it should be me! This all thing was my idea! Chandler: Oh, yeah! Thanks for inventing the lottery! Rachel: Ok, that's it! Just give'em to me! I'll split them up! Joey: Oh! Phoebe: OOOOOHHHHH! Ross: Hey, hey!! Phoebe: Rachel: Oh, if she jumps, I get her tickets. Joey: No, no! Phoebe: If we are not doing it together, we're not doing it at all! So, say goodbye to your tickets! . Everyone: NO!! Phoebe: Don't come any closer! Chandler: Can I come a little bit closer, valuable things are getting squished... Phoebe: No, what's more important, your friends or money? Everyone but Monica: Friends! Monica: Money! Friends... Phoebe: Hey Monica, what about your extra tickets? Monica: They're all in there! Even these five that I hid in my bra ... Ross: Monica! Phoebe: Ok, good! I think I broke your bowl. Ross: Go, go, go!! Phoebe: What a beautiful night to be running around the street, looking for tickets. And the wind sure made it fun. Monica: Phoebe, we lost half of them. Phoebe: So, what? Monica, we have the winning ticket! My psychic said I was gonna win, remember? Ross: Weird.. your psychic didn't mention anything about the scary pigeon... Phoebe: As a matter of fact she said that's how I am going to die. So, excuse me for being a little skittish. Chandler: Hey, there's two messages. These could be from work! Monica: Oh, play them! Chandler: Ok, here we go! Message: "I sh.. I shouldn't have knocked the tickets out of the pretty lady's hand. It-it was all my fault. Not hers. Bye. Coo." Phoebe: Well, I bet that was very hard for him to do. Second message: "Hey Chandler, it's Charlie" Chandler: This is..shhh! Second Message: "Listen, oh... it turns I got the last spot. I'm really sorry man, it was a lot of fun working with you. Give me a call if you want." Monica: Oh God, I am so sorry honey... All: Oh, so sorry man! Sorry! Rachel: Oh, it is so unfair. It's like that time they promoted Sandra over me at work. Chandler: Oh, is she related to Ralph Lauren? Rachel: No, she was just much better at job than me! Phoebe: Guys, the drawing is about to start! Rachel: You know what? We should call my mum's house and say goodnight to Emma before she goes down. Ross: Oh yeah, it's a good idea! Monica: Honey, you've been really strong about this, I know how badly you wanted that job. Chandler: Yeah, you know, I really thought I deserved it. But... let's go win the lottery... I mean, we still have 130 chances to win, right? Monica: Ross: Rachel: Hi mum, put her back on! Joey: Rach, come on! They are announcing the numbers! My God, I can already feel myself changing. TV: "Here we are, the official Powerball numbers! We have 53" Chandler: I got that! Ross: Oh, we have one too!! Monica: We are on a roll, people!! Ross: Come on!! Rachel: Mum, please!I know you love your new lips, but I can barely understand you! Would you, please, just let me say goodnight to my daughter? TV: "And number 29! Here we go! The Powerball is 7" Monica: Check your numbers! Make me rich! Rachel: Guys, you're not gonna believe this! I was just saying goodnight to Emma and she said her first words!! All: Wow! Joey: And what did she say? Rachel: She said "gleba"!! Monica: Make me rich!! Rachel: Isn't that amazing? Ross: Oh yeah, no no no...that's great! Rachel: Why-why aren't you more excited? Ross: Oh, Rach...oh..."gleba" is not a word. Rachel: Oh, but of course it is! Ross: Okay, what does it mean? Rachel: I don't know all the words. Ross: I'm just, I'm just glad I didn't miss my daughter's first words . Ross: Yes you did, gleba is a word! Ross: Ok, use it in a sentence. Rachel: Ok... "Emma just said gleba"! Ross: It's not a word! Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, fine, I'm gonna look it up . Ross: Oh, oh, ok, great. You know what, while you're at it she said another word the other day, why don't you, why don't you look up: pbbqqt.... Rachel: Gleba! Ha! Here it is: the fleshy, spore-bearing inner mass of a certain fungi. Ross: She's gonna be a scientist! Joey: Damnit! anybody got anything? Chandler: No. Phoebe: I'm still looking through mine... Monica: Just double checking No! Monica: Hello? Hold on. It's your boss. Chandler: Ah, the "I'm sorry I rejected you" phone call. I'm not used to getting it from guys. Hey, Steve. Steve: Chandler, hi! I'm sure you've heard we filled the three positions. We just felt that with your maturity and experience, you wouldn't be happy being someone's assistant. Chandler: Oh no no no no, I'd love to be somebody's assistant! Answering phones, getting coffee, I live for that stuff! And I'm not too mature... farts, boobies, butt cracks! Steve: Chandler, you were the strongest person in the program. We're offering you the position of junior copywriter. Chandler: Me, that guy who just said butt cracks? Steve: Yes, that's right. We're excited about the level of sophistication you'll be bringing to the job. Chandler: Ok well, thanks, you won't regret it. I'll see you tomorrow . Chandler: What? Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be a junior copywriter. Everybody: Oh my God, congratulations! Monica: Oh sweetie, I'm so proud of you! Chandler: Does that mean I get the good loving tonight? Monica: You bet! No TV or anything! Joey: Hey, that is so great about the job. Chandler: Thanks, man. Joey: And I like to think I had a little something to do with it. Chandler: Really? What? Joey: Well, before, with the wishbone... I didn't wish we would win the lottery, I wished you'd get the job. Chandler: Listen, don't tell Monica, she'll rip your heart right out. Joey: Oh yeah. Rachel: You know what? There is a little part of me that really thought we were gonna win. Ross: Me too. So much for my dinosaur/Amelia Earhart theme park. Phoebe: You guys, what was the Powerball number again? Monica and Ross: Seven. Phoebe: We won. Rachel: What? Phoebe: We won! Monica: Let me see! Phoebe: Don't tear it. Ross: Phoebe, you don't have any of the first five numbers. Phoebe: I know that, but look, we've got the Powerball number, we've won 3 dollars! Chandler: Wow, you'd think we should get that over 20 years or go for the big payout. Phoebe: I don't care, I've never won anything before, I can't believe this! Rachel: So Pheebs, what are you going to do with your $3? Phoebe: It's not all mine. We all get 50 cents. Monica: You know what? You can have mine. Chandler: Me too. Joey: Me too. Rachel: Me too. Ross: I guess if everybody else is... Closing credits Joey: Hey guys, so I just called the Powerball hotline, can you believe it? Nobody won. Phoebe: I beg to differ . Gunther: Maybe nobody won the jackpot, but there was this guy in here earlier, and he found the ticket on the street, right outside, and won $10,000 . Phoebe: Seriously, stop staring at her. Teleplay: Mark Kunerth Story: Dana Klein Directed by: Terry Hughes Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh, Sebastiano & Vanessa Joey: God, you're beautiful...why are we fighting this?You know you want it to happen as much as I do. Joey: I want you.I need you.Let me make love to you. Rachel: I don't wanna stand in the way of true love or anything, but I think a cantaloupe might hurt less. Joey: Oh, ehm...I'm...I'm rehearsing my lines.They gave me a big romantic story on Days Of Our Lives. It's the first time my character's got one. I'm so nervous, you know, I really want it to be good! Rachel: Woow!I haven't seen you this worked up since you did that dog food commercial and you thought you were gonna be with a real talking dog! Joey: Yeah, that was a disappointment... Oh, hey!D'you want to come down to the set and tell me if I'm doing ok? Rachel: Are you serious? Joey: Yeah!Hey, you just have to promise not to get yourself thrown out again. Rachel: Hey, that was an honest mistake! Joey: Right! Rachel: Yeah, that was an awesome day! Opening credits Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Hi! Monica: So, do you guys wanna come and eat dinner at the restaurant sometime in the next few weeks? Phoebe: Sure! Ross: I'd love to! Monica: Well you can't! We're booked solid for the next month! Phoebe: Well, I can't give you a massage, because my licence has been revoked again! Ross: Phoebe, what happened? Phoebe: Well, it was an accident...You know, it's a lot of oil and sometimes the hand just slips! Chandler: Have I got a surprise for you? Pack your bags! Phoebe: Oh no!You guys aren't supposed to get divorced for 7 years! Chandler: What? No, I'm taking Monica to a romantic inn in Vermont ! Phoebe: Oh, good!Ok, good for you!Try to recapture the magic! Chandler: So, what do you say? Can you get out of work? Monica: Oh, honey!I can't. I was just telling these guys that things are crazy at the restaurant! Chandler: Are you really that busy? Monica: Yeah, I'm sorry. I really am. Chandler: Oh, that's ok.I'll just try and reschedule. Oh, can't you make an exception?" Monica: Tell them I'm a chef in a big New York restaurant! Phoebe: And tell them that in 2 weeks I will once again be a masseuse in good standing! Chandler: Yeah, I'm going to Vermont... Ross: Oh, don't worry about it! Just use your travel insurance. Chandler: I don't have travel insurance. Ross: Well, this is what happens when people live on the edge! Monica: Why don't you take Ross? Ross: Uh, don't you think that would be a little weird? I mean, two guys in a romantic inn... Monica: No, not if their room has two beds! Ross: moonlight boat ride!! Rachel: Hey Joey, is this the bed where Olivia lost her virginity? Joey: I don't know, but one of the extras sure did! Hey, listen Rach. Thanks again for coming down to watch my scenes! Rachel: Oh, please!Honey, just the fact that you want me here to support you, I'm...OH MY GOD!Is that Christian Sanders?He's so gorgeous! Joey: Also so gay! Rachel: Oh, in my head he's done some pretty "not-gay-stuff"! Joey: Well, at the Christmas party him and Santa did some definitely gay stuff! Director: Joey, Joey! We're ready for you! Joey: Oh, wish me luck! Rachel: Ok, not that you need it but good...GOD!Is that Chase Lassiter?He's straight, right? Joey: Rach, I gotta say...if you weren't here wondering if these guys were gay I don't know if I could do this! Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, you're right.I'm sorry, good luck! Director: On a bell please! Quietly.. and ACTION! Actress/Olivia: Drake! What are you doing in here? Joey/Drake: Stopping you from marrying the wrong man and making the biggest mistake of your life. Actress/Olivia: Get out! Joey/Drake: You don't love him! Actress/Olivia: What do you know about love? Joey/Drake: I know what I felt that night when we kissed under the bridge. Actress/Olivia: That kiss never happened. Joey/Drake: Oh, what about this one. Rachel: OH! Actress/Olivia: No, I told you...get out! Joey/Drake: Fine. I'll go. But let me ask you one question... Chase Lassiter: You look familiar, have we... Rachel: SSSHHHHTTT!!He's asking her a question!! Joey/Drake: Can you really live the rest of your life never knowing what we could have been? Actress/Olivia: I don't have a choice... Joey/Drake: Yes, you do.Yes...you do. I'm the one who doesn't have a choice because I...because I can't stop loving you. Actress/Olivia: Don't say that... Joey/Drake: Tell me to stop, just...tell me to stop. Director: CUT! Rachel: NO! Or, cut!You know, that's your call! 1st Customer: Everything was delicious! Monica: Thank you! 2nd Customer: It was. The duck in particular was superb. Monica: Thank you! You haven't said anything... 3rd Customer: Actually I do have one small complaint. Monica: Oh..please!I-I welcome criticism. 3rd Customer: The musician right outside the restaurant...it's kind of a mood-killer! Monica: What musician? Phoebe: And there's a country called Argentinaaaa, it's a place I've never seeeeen. But I'm told for fifty pesos you can buy a human spleen. Humaaan spleeeeen. Olè! Monica: What are you doing here! Phoebe: Well, you said that you had customers lined up in the street, so I am here to entertain! Monica: Great! Phoebe: Yeah! It really has been great too, you know, some of this people must have seen me play before because they were requesting a bunch of my songs! Yeah, "You suck" and "shut up and go home". Monica: Listen Phoebe... Phoebe: Yeah. Monica: You know how much I love listening to your music, you know, but... Phoebe: But what? Monica: This is kind of a classy place. Phoebe: Ok, say no more. Phoebe: Classy, uh? Chandler: Hi, Chandler Bing, I have a reservation. Receptionist: Welcome to the Chestnut Inn Mr. Bing, so where are you joining from? Chandler: New York. Ross: The big apple! Chandler: I'm sorry, he's a little bit wound up, we had to stop at every maple candy stand on the way here. Ross: Yeah, I ate all my gifts for everybody. Receptionist: I am sorry Mr. Bing, there's no record of your reservation in the computer. Chandler: Well, that's impossible, can you check again, please? Ross: Check again please! Receptionist: I'm sorry, it's not here. Ross: Not there. Chandler: Let me get this straight. I called yesterday trying to cancel my reservation and I was told it was not refundable, then we drove six hours all the way up here and now you tell me that we don't have a reservation? Receptionist: I don't know what to say. Ross: She doesn't know what to say! Chandler: Just give us the cheapest room you have. Receptionist: Unfortunatly the only thing we have available is our deluxe suite, the rate is six hundred dollars. Chandler: That's insane! Ross: Totally insane. Dude, let's drive home, we'll hit all the maple candy stores on the way back and if...if they're closed maybe we'll tap a tree and make some ourselves. Chandler: Does that room have a closet I can lock him in? We'll take it. Receptionist: Great. Chandler: What!? They are totally ripping us off! Ross: Dude, don't worry 'bout it! I know how we can make your money back! This is a nice hotel, you know, plenty of amenities, we just load up on those! Like those apples. Instead of taking one, I'm... I take six! Chandler: Great, at a hundred dollars an apple, we're there! Ross: C'mon, you get the idea, ow-ow-ow we'll make our money back in no time! Chandler: Dude, you're shaking! Ross: I think it's the sugar, could you hold the apple? Rachel: Hi! Joey: Hey! Rachel: Joey, I gotta tell ya, I've been thinking all day about that scene you did, I mean, you were amazing! Joey: Oh, you know, the writing was good, and the director is good, and... and my co-star's good but they're not as good as me! Rachel: God, you have to tell me what happens tomorrow! Joey: Ow, I'm just going over the script now! You wanna read lines with me? Rachel: Me? Oh, no, I am not an actress. Joey: Oh, all right, I can ask Monica. Rachel: Oh screw her, that part is mine! Joey: Right... ok, so just from the top of the page, right here. Rachel: Okay. Hello Drake, I'm surprised to see you here. Joey/Drake: I can't believe you married him. Rachel/actress: But what choice did I have. He was keeping my sister in a dungeon! Joey/Drake: So what about us? Everything we feel for each other. Rachel/actress: It's over! You have to accept that. Joey/Drake: How can I? Knowing I'll never hold you in my arms again, or touch your skin, or feel your lips, knowing I'll never make love to you? How can I accept that... I can never kiss you again when it's all I can do not to kiss you right now. Rachel: Kiss me. Joey: What? Rachel: Kiss me. Joey: Ah, Rach, it doesn't say that! Rachel: No, I'm saying... Joey: but, but.. Rachel: just... don't talk... Rachel: . Well, that's new! Ross: Yeah, go ahead, send up some tampons. Ross: What did you get? Chandler: USA Today Ross: Nice, put it with the others. Chandler: And I also got... two more apples. Ross: We are four short of a bush-o . God I feel so alive, I love being in the country! Chandler: I also got this great salt and pepper shaker from the restaurant. Ross: Oh, that's not cool. Chandlers: Dude, none of this is cool. Ross: No, Chandler, you have to find the line between stealing and taking what the hotel owes you. For example: hair drier, no, no, no, but shampoo and conditioners, yes, yes, yes. I wish I'd thought this through. Chandler: I think I know what you mean though...the lamp is the hotel's, but the bulbs ...oh, you already got that. Ross: Not my first time in a hotel, my friend. Chandler: Ok, how about this ? Ross: No, no, no, you can't take the remote control! Chandler: Yes, but the batteries... Chandler: Thank you, thank you very much! Ross: Let's celebrate with some maple candy! Chandler: No! Ross: At least tell me where you hid it. Rachel: Can I ask you a question? Monica: Yeah. Rachel: Have you ever had any weird romantic dreams? Monica: Let me think. Oh, when I was younger I used to dream that I got married to Mayor McCheese, and on our wedding night I ate his head. Rachel: Ok, well this is like that...in no way. I had a...I had a dream last night that I wanted to kiss Joey. Monica: Wow, do you mean like kiss him-kiss him? Rachel: Oh yeah! I mean, that was pretty intense. Monica: What do you think brought than on? Rachel: I don't know! I mean, maybe that's something to do with the fact that I saw him do a love scene yesterday. Monica: A love scene? With who? Rachel: Olivia. Monica: Olivia? I thought she was marrying Connor! Oh right, real life more important. Rachel: So do you think that my dream means anything? Monica: I don't know. I mean, you saw him do a love scene, so maybe you don't have a thing for Joey, maybe you have a thing for Drake. Rachel: Ah! Well it was Joey reading Drake's lines in the dream... Monica: Of course it was! Trust me, when it comes to psychology I know what I'm talking about. I took two psych classes in college. Rachel: You took the same class twice. Monica: It was hard! Phoebe: Hey! Rachel and Monica: Hi. Phoebe: Here, Monica, look what I got to wear when I play at the restaurant Right? I mean, this might even class up the ballad of the uncircumcised man. Monica: Oh...Phoebe? Maybe I wasn't clear before. I really love listening to your music here, but my restaurant is sort of an upscale place. Phoebe: Right, yeah, ok, I'll ask the butler to fetch my diamonds out of the vault. Monica: Phoebe, it's not what you wear. It's sort of your songs... I just don't think you should play at the restaurant anymore. Phoebe: Oh, ok. Fine, I'll just, I'll take the hat back . Rachel: Hey, so you guys, the funniest thing happened, at work... Phoebe: My songs aren't good enough for your restaurant? Rachel: Ok, we're still on that. Monica: I didn't say your songs were not good enough. Phoebe: Then what's wrong with them? Would they not go with your tiny portions of pretentious food? Monica: Tiny portions? Phoebe: Yeah well, "excuse me, I ordered the smoked salmon appetizer, but I can't see it, I can't see it"! Monica: Phoebe, it's not about quantity. Phoebe: Well...it's not about quality. Monica: Oh really, you want to talk about quality? Have you heard of a key? It's what some people sing in. Phoebe: Well at least all my songs don't taste like garlic. Yeah, there are other ingredients Monica. Monica: Ok, so that's what we're doing. You know, when I'm in the coffee house bopping along to one of your songs, I'm wearing ear plugs. Phoebe: Ear plugs, or cloves of garlic? Monica: You know what? I take back what I said before. You keep playing at the restaurant, because with your music driving people inside, my bar sales are going up like crazy. Phoebe: What are people having, the garlic Martini? Receptionist: Here's your copy of the bill, we hope you enjoyed your stay. Chandler: Oh we did, and you still have all your lamps. Chandler: Oh, I didn't factor in the room tax. Ross: Oh dude, don't worry about it, I found an unattended maid's car. We're way ahead of the game. Ross: Oh my god. Chandler: What? Ross: There's something new in the bowl. Chandler: Look, we have enough, just walk away. Ross: No, but I want...I want the pinecones! Chandler: There's a forest right outside. Ross: It's not the same. Chandler: Ok, go quick! Ross: Thank you for a delightful stay. Ross: Oh, my maple candy! Phoebe: Food here at 'Javu'..will kill you..the food here at 'Javu' ...will kill you.. Monica: Thank god, it's just you! I thought someone was swinging a bag of cats against the wall. Phoebe: You'd better get back in that kitchen Monica, the garlic is not gonna overuse itself. Monica: Ok, you have to stop playing now. Phoebe: Why? The only person my playing is bothering is you! Monica: Oh yeah? Ok, let's settle this, come on! Phoebe: Get your garlic-peelers off me! Monica: Phoebe: Ok, ok, how many of you enjoyed the music outside? Ha! Monica: Alright, let me ask you this question: How many of you thought the music was fine, but not in keeping with the tone of the restaurant? . Phoebe: Ok, well, who identified the tone of this restaurant as pretentious comma garlicky? Monica: Ok who thinks the food is delicious and a little pretention never hurt anyone? Phoebe: Ok, well, alright, who thinks the food is fine, the music was fine, but your evening was ruined by this incessant poll taking? . Monica: Excuse us! Phoebe: Oh...Who was so stupid and stubborn that she lashed out against her friend's cooking which she actually thinks is pretty great! Monica: I'm sorry... Phoebe: I'm sorry too... Monica: ooohh... hey! Wanna stick around and I'll whip you up some dinner? Phoebe: Yeah! As long as it's free! Food here is ridiculously over-p... Phoebe: Who's hoping the hand raising thing is still cute enough that you won't hate me? Rachel: Hey! Joey: Hey! Rachel: Joey, do you have peanut butter on the back of your head? Joey: Oh man! I thought I got it all! Rachel: How...how...? Joey: I was making a peanut butter smoothy, right? Rachel: uh-huh Joey: And I couldn't find this little plastic thing that goes on top of the blender...and I thought...well... how important can that be, right...? Turns out very! Rachel: Wow...definitely just Drake... Joey: What? Rachel: What...how is it going with Drake? Joey: Oh...I don't think it's going very well... Rachel: What...that scene I saw was so good! Joey: Well, I'm feeling really insecure about the one we are shooting tomorrow... Rachel: Joey, is this that thing that you do when you say you're bad so I'll give you a compliment? Joey: A little. Yeah no, I really am worried, you know, I mean I have to make it convincing that I'm in love with Olivia. Rachel: So? Joey: So...I've never played that! Rachel: Ooh! Honey, it can't be that hard, I mean, you've been in love before? Joey: Uh...well...just once...with you... Rachel: Ok...this could be a little awkward...I'm just going to blow past it... well can't you just use that method actor thing where you use your real life memories to help you in your performance? Joey: What the hell are you talking about?? Rachel: Alright, alright look, just uh... just try to remember how you felt when you were in love, and think about that when you're playing the scene. Joey: Oh! ok, yeah, I think I can do that. Yeah ok, there's this party scene coming up.. and Olivia and her husband are there and all Drake wants to do is grab her and kiss her, but he can't... And that makes me think about all those times when I wanted to grab you and kiss you, but you didn't know so I would just pretend everything was cool, but really, it was killing me. Rachel: Joey, you never..you never talked about that before... Joey: Well.. hey, you know what else I could use? There's a scene where Drake sneaks into Olivia's bedroom, and she doesn't know he's there - which never happened with us! And he knows he shouldn't be there, but he just wants to look at her... you know? but it was worth it just to be there looking at you. Joey: Closing credits Chandler: I got you something from Vermont! Monica: That's weird...it's empty! Ross: do you...do you guys hear a buzzing? Teleplay: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Story: Shana Goldberg-Meehan Directed by: Sheldon Epps Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh, Sebastiano & Vanessa Joey: Hey, you guys, what are you doing tomorrow night? Chandler: Well, let me see... I-I believe I'm... yes, falling asleep in front of the TV. Joey: Look, my agent hooked me up with six tickets to a great play. Chandler: I could fall asleep at a play. Phoebe: What is it? Joey: It's a one-woman play called "Why don't you like me: a bitter woman's journey through life". Monica: It sounds interesting! Ross: Yeah, it does sound interesting, I mean, to listen to a woman complain for two hours, I don't think it gets bett... Phoebe: I know, I know, we can drive, we can vote, we can work, what more do these broads want? Joey: You guys are gonna have a great time, I promise! Ross: What? How come that you don't have to go! Joey: I wish I could but I just found out that I have to be at work really early the next day, so I can't go, but, you know, take the extra ticket and invite whoever you want. Chandler: Uh, let's see, who do I hate? Rachel: Oh, sorry... Oops, sorry. Joey: Hey, here you go. Rachel: Ooh... oooh... Can I ask you a question? Monica: Yeah. Rachel: Do you think it's possible for two friends to fool around and... and not have it be a big deal? Monica: No, I don't think it ever works. Why? Rachel: No reason. Monica: No, no, Rachel? Rachel: Yeah Monica: Who do you wanna fool around with? Rachel: Nobody, forget it! Rachel: Maybe. Monica: You can't! Rachel: Seriously I did not understand a word that you said. Monica: In the hall. Monica: You wanna fool around with Joey? Rachel: Yeah! You know, ever since I had that dream about him, and can't get it out of my head! And what's the big deal, people do it all the time! Monica: Who? Who do you know that are friends that just fool around? Rachel: Ok, off the top of my head... Don and Janet. Monica: Who, who are they? Rachel: I know them from work. Monica: Both of them? Rachel: No, one of them... Monica: Which one? Rachel: I don't know, what were the names I just said? Monica: Rachel, things can get incredibly complicated. Rachel: All right, all right, you're right, I won't do anything with Joey, I just thought that we Monica: What the hell are you cooking! Opening credits Ross: Hey! Monica: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Ross: Hey, you guys won't believe what I have to do for work today. Chandler: Yes, but, Ross you chose a career of talking about dinosaurs. Ross: There're these two professors who are joining my department and I have to meet them here and show them around campus. Monica: What's so bad about that? Ross: It's I just know they're gonna be a couple of windbags wearing tweed jackets with suede elbow patches. Monica: : Ross? Ross: These aren't suede. Charlie: Excuse me, I'm looking for someone. You don't, by any chance, know a Ross Geller? Gunther: No. Ross: Hi, hi, I'm Ross Geller. Charlie: Oh, hi. I'm professor Wealer. Ross: Oh, oh, that's, that's, that's nice. Charlie: It's a... It's good to meet you! Thank you so much for taking the time out to show me around. Ross: Oh, no, it's no big deal, I mean, if I weren't doing this I'd just, you know, be at the gym working out. Monica: Is he gonna introduce us? Chandler: No, I think we're just blurry shapes to him now. Charlie: And, by the way, I really enjoyed your paper on the connection between geographic isolation and rapid mutagenesis. Ross: Oh, ha, I wrote that in one minute. Monica: Twenty bucks says they're married within the month. Ross: We should probably get going, you know, we got a lot of ground to cover. Charlie: Oh, ah, isn't there another professor that is supposed to come with us? Ross: I don't think so. Charlie: I'm pretty sure, professor Spafford from Cornell? Ross: Oh, well he's obviously late and the rule in my class is "if you can't come on time, then don't come at all". Shall we? Charlie: You don't think we should wait for him? Ross: You know what, he's a big boy, I'm sure he'll find us, ok? Professor Spafford: Professor Geller? Ross: Oh, damn it! Jane: Hi Joey it's Jane Rogers, can't wait for your party tonight. Listen, I forgot your address, can you give me a call? Thanks, bye. Joey: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Joey: What's happenin'? Rachel: Yeah, it's a real shame you can't make it to that one-woman show tonight. Joey: Oh, I'd love to, but I gotta get up so early the next day and so, you know me, work comes first Rachel: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... Message: "Hi Joey, it's Jane Rogers can't wait for your party tonight" Joey: Stupid Jane Rogers!! Rachel: You are having a party tonight?? Joey: Kinda have a... a thing for the Days Of Our Life's people. Rachel: And you weren't going to tell us? How did you think you were gonna get away with that? Joey: I do it every year. Rachel: You do that every year?? Joey: I didn't have to tell you that!! I'm stupider than Jane Rogers!! Rachel: Oh, that's why you got these tickets to that play, to get rid of us?? Joey: Yeah... Rachel: And last year is that why you sent us to that medieval times restaurant? Joey: Yeah... Rachel: OH! And the year before that, when you set up that nighttime tour of that button factory? Joey: I can't believe you guys went for that one! Rachel: Joey, why wouldn't you invite us to your parties? Joey: You're fine, ok? But everyone else acts like an idiot around famous people! Rachel: Well, then so you just invite me...! Joey: Please, I was trying to be nice, you're the worst one! Rachel: Oh, Joey, come on! Please, please! Let me come, I will behave, I promise! I will behave! Please, please, please... Joey: Ok, ok! Fine! You can come, but don't tell anybody else. It's up on the roof at 8. Rachel: And it's out of my system! Professor Spafford: And then my wife and I went on a cruise to the Galapagos. There was a sea food buffet you wouldn't believe. There were clams, and mussels, and oysters, and cracked crab, and snow crab, and king crab. It's a pity I'm allergic to shellfish. Ross: So, where did you get your undergraduate degree? Professor Spafford: And that's not all I'm allergic to. Ross: Oh, it's not over! Professor Spafford: I'm also allergic to peanuts, and cashews, and almonds, and filberts... Ross: So basically all nuts? Professor Spafford: Interestingly... no. Charlie: Kinda playing fast and loose with the word "interesting". Professor Spafford: If you'll excuse me I'm going to use the restroom. Charlie: Oh my God!! Ross: I've lost the will to live. Charlie: Let's ditch him! Ross: What? Charlie: Come on, he's still in the bathroom! I'm begging you! Ross: Oh... ok, fine. But... ehm... I just have one question for you, ehm... When we exit should we walk, or run, or prance, or stroll... Charlie: Stop it, stop it! He talks slow but he might pee fast! Ok, let's go!! Ross: Oh, hey you guys! This is Charlie! Charlie, this is Phoebe and my sister, Monica. Phoebe: Hi! Ross: Yeah, Charlie is gonna be joining my department. Phoebe: Oh, you're a paleonthologist, too! Oh, ok, now, what do you think of Ranion's new theory of species' variegation in segmented arthopods? Charlie: Well, I think he's a little out there, but he does have some interesting ideas... Phoebe: Ah, ah. Charlie: Ross: Ranion's theory of species variegation? Phoebe: Yeah, I saw the article on your coffee table and I memorized the title to freak you out! Monica: So, did you two have fun? Ross: Oh my God, she's great! I mean, we-we have so much in common and she's just cool, and funny... Monica: And I don't know if you've noticed but she's a HI! Rachel: Hey... Hi you guys! Listen, you know what? I'm not feeling really well. I think I can't get out for the play. Ross: Really? Wh-what's wrong? Rachel: I don't know! I think it's kind of serious! Oh, you know... I was watching this thing on TV this morning about... Newcastle disease... and I think I might have it!! Charlie: Oh, Newcastle disease is a secretion borne virus that only affects chickens and... other poultry. Rachel: ... Ok, who is this? Ross: I'm sorry, Rachel, this is Charlie Wealer, she's a collegue. Rachel: Oh, hi! I would check your hand but... I'm sure you don't want to get my chicken disease! Monica: Hey, Rachel, Can-can I see you for a sec? Rachel: Sure! Oh... Monica: You're not sick! Rachel: What? Yes, I am! Monica: Ok, then, why are you... all dressed up?? Rachel: When you're sick, you do whatever you can to make yourself feel better! Monica: You just wanna stay home so you can make a move on Joey! Rachel: Oh, no, no! I heard you before, that is so not what this is! Monica: Ok, what is this? Rachel: Ok! Joey is having a secret Days Of Our Lives party up on the roof and he sent you guys to the play to get rid of you! Monica: WHAT? Ross: Wh-what's going on? Monica: Joey is having a secret Days Of Our Lives party up on the roof! Rachel: And he didn't want you guys to know about it but I came over here to tell you!! Charlie: I thought you came to say you were sick. Rachel: Ok professor or detective? Phoebe: Joey's having a party and he wasn't gonna invite us? Rachel: Yeah, and he does it every year! That's why he's sending you to that play! That's why he sent us to that medieval restaurant and to that button factory! Phoebe: And that horrible museum tour! Ross: No, I arranged that... Joey: Hey you guys, I'm turning in. Have fun. Phoebe: We know about your party Joey. Joey: What party? Monica: The game's over! Take off your robe! Joey: Ok... I mean... Everyone: No!! Cover it up!! Joey: Joey: Thanks for coming. Monica: Oh my God! Kyle Lowder! Kyle Lowder: Monica: I love you! Joey: Hey, that's why I didn't invite you. you have to calm down, alright... go, go get yourself a drink or something... Monica: Oh yeah that's what you want - my inhibitions lowered. Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Oh my God, can you believe we are surrounded by all this? I can barely control myself. Phoebe: Monica, you might want to remember that you are married. Where is Chandler anyway? Monica: Oh my God! Chandler! Chandler: Where the hell is everybody? Bitter lady: Why don't you like me?! Chapter One: My first period. Monica: Hey! Joey said no autographs! But if she's gettting one, then I want one too: To Monica. And none of this "best wishes" crap. I want "love". Rachel: Ok actually Mon, Matthew was just giving me his phone number. Monica: Oh man! If I had known I was coming to this party I never would have gotten married! Matthew Ashford: It was nice to meet you Rachel. Rachel: Nice to meet you. Matthew Ashford: Call me. Rachel: Ok Monica: We will!! Monica: Look at you with all the guys! Rachel: Yeah! Monica: I guess you have forgotten all about Joey? Rachel: Yeah, well, I guess I have forgotten about Joey and clearly you've forgotten about Chandler! Monica: Please... Chandler is the love of my life... Ross: So, eh... it's probably gonna be hard for you to leave Boston, huh? Charlie: Actually, I'm kinda happy to be leaving... I just broke up with someeone. Ross: Ooh... so sad... Still, it can't be easy for you to leave Harvard? Especially after working alongside a Nobel Prize winner like Albert Wintermeyer? Charlie: Actually, Alby is the guy I broke up with. Ross: You... you dated Albert Wintermeyer? Charlie: Yeah... Ross: ... And you called him Alby!? I mean that's like... like calling Albert Einstein... er... Alby... Charlie: Yeah, well, he is a brilliant man. Ross: Eh, you think? I mean, you went out with a guy who improved the accuracy of radiocarbon dating by a factor of 10! Charlie: Yes! And while that is everything one looks for in a boyfriend, he had a lot of issues... Ross: Oh I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry... it's just that this must be what regular people experience when they watch "Access Hollywood". Charlie: Ok, you want the dirt? Alby was seriously insecure. I mean, he was really intimidated by the guy I dated before him. Ross: Who is intimidating to a guy who won the Nobel Prize? Charlie: A guy who won two. Ross: Two? Wha...? Don't tell me you dated Benjamin Hobart Charlie: Yeah... for three years. Ross: Oh my God! Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who hasn't won the Nobel Prize? Charlie: ... no... bu but there was my first boyfriend Billy. Ross: Oh yeah? no, no Nobel Prizes for him? Charlie: No, but he did just win the McArthur genius grant. Ross: Huh... huh... what a loser! Some more wine? Phoebe: Hey Ross! Rache: How is it going with Charlie? Ross: Oh Great! After I finish my wine I'm going to blow my... eh. average-sized brains out. Phoebe: Oh, What's the matter? Ross: She... she only dates geniuses and Nobel Prize winners. Oh my God, at the chinese restaurant earlier today, I put chopsticks in my mouth and pretented to be a woolly mammoth. Rachel: I always loved that!! Ross: Of course you would, your brains are smaller than mine!! Man, I can't compete with the guys she goes out with, they are so out of my league! oh my God! Phoebe: Worse? Ross: Oh much, much worse. I did my impression of Joan Rivers as one of the earliest amphibians... Oh, you... you like that? Phoebe: Ross: What? Rachel: Come on! I think this is funny! Bitter lady: Well, I bet you are all thinkin' "Now would be a really great time for an intermission", huh? Chandler: oh yes, God yes!! Bitter lady: How could he leave me?!?! Chandler: I... I don't know... you seem lovely. Joey: Hey Ross, this is one of my co-stars, Dirk. Ross: Nice to meet you. Dirk: Hey! So what show are you on? Ross: Oh, I'm no actor, I'm a professor of palaeontology. Joey: It's a science. Dirk: Oh! Hey well listen, I play a scientist on "Days". And my character has just won the Nobel prize. Joey: Hey Ross, listen, Dirk was wondering about the woman that you brought and if you guys were together, or... Ross: Oh, well no, but I mean, she only goes out with really, really smart guys. Dirk: Hey, I got a 690 on my SATs. Ross: I'd lead with that. Monica: That's it, just sign right on the bra . Joey: Monica! Monica: Don't worry Joe, I won't come next year! Joey: What have you got there? Ross: Just some boys gave me their phone numbers. Joey: Ah, let me see! Damn, that's a lot of guys! Are you a little slutty? Rachel: I think I am. Joey: . And this guy is in a cult, ok, and it costs you 5,000$ to get to level three and I don't feel any different. Joey: Pass, pass, oh, pass, double-pass, pass... Rachel: Why, why, what's wrong with these guys? Joey: Nothing major, it's just that, you know, they're not really good enough for you, and you deserve the best. Rachel: Joey, you're so sweet. Joey: That's true. But you know what, it doesn't matter because I already know who you're gonna go home with tonight. Rachel: Who ? Joey: Me. Rachel: Really? Joey: Yes, 'cause we live together, that's a joke! Rachel: Oh! Screw it, I didn't get it! Joey: Gotcha. Rachel: Oh, Very funny... Joey. Chandler: So, how did you enjoy the play? Monica: Oh my god, honey, I'm so so so so so sorry. Chandler: Well you should be. You missed the most powerful three hours in the history of the theater. Monica: You really liked it? Chandler: Oh yeah! I mean at first I hated it, but why wouldn't I, because as a man I've been trained But after chapter 16: "fat, single and ready to mingle", I was uplifted. Monica: Oh really! Chandler: Oh yeah, I had no idea the amazing journey you go through as a woman! Tell me, tell me about your first period! Monica: No! Chandler: Did somebody sign your bra? Monica: So I got it when I was 13... Phoebe: Hey Ross! So listen, about you and the dinosaur girl, are you really just gonna let a couple of Nobel prizes scare you off? What is that, come on, a piece of paper? Ross: It's actually a 1,000,000$ prize. Phoebe: Go Charlie! But my point is, ok so she dated them but she also broke up with them. Maybe she's looking to, you know, slum it with some average Joe Phd. Ross: Yeah, maybe. I do have my whole career in front of me. I mean, I can still win a Nobel prize. Although the last two papers I've written were widely discredited. Phoebe: You're so much more than just brains! You're sweet, and kind, and funny... Ross: And sexy. Phoebe: Ok well give her a chance to see all of that! Ross: Yeah, you're right, thanks Pheebs, I'm gonna go find her. Phoebe: Good for you! And hey, I thought your paper on punctuated equilibrium in the Devonian era was top notch! Ross: Stop going through my stuff ! Rachel: Hey! Monica: Hey! Rachel: I just wanted to let you know I've changed my mind: I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna kiss Joey. Monica: No, you can't! Friends hooking up is a bad idea. Rachel: Please, what about you and Chandler? Monica: That's different! I was drunk and stupid! Rachel: Well hello ! Monica: What about all the guys that you've got the phone numbers from? Why don't you just kiss one of them? Rachel: I could, I could but I don't want to! I want to kiss Joey! Monica: Alright . I think it's a big mistake but it's your decision. Rachel: I'm gonna do it. Monica: And I can't stop you. Rachel: No. Ross: Hey Rach, have you seen Charlie anywhere? Ross: I'm smarter than him! Closing credits Phoebe: Hey, thank you so much for these tickets, Chandler. Chandler: Oh well, this was a really important experience for me, and I wanted to share it with you. Monica: Oh, you're so wonderful. Bitter woman: Why don't you like me! Chapter one: my first period. Chandler: Can't believe you guys bought that, enjoy your slow death . Teleplay: Robert Carlock Story: Scott Silveri Directed by: Gary Halvorson Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh, Sebastiano & Vanessa Monica: It's so weird, how did Joey end up kissing Charlie last night? I thought you'd end up kissing Charlie. Ross: Hey, I thought I'd end up kissing Charlie too ok? But SURPRISE! Chandler: I missed most of the party Charlie's a girl, right? Ross: Yes, she is this new professor of my department that I did not kiss. Rachel: I don't know why Joey had to kiss her! I mean, of all the girls at the party, GOD! Ross: Why do you care so much? Monica: Yes Rachel, why do you care so much? Rachel: I just... All I'm saying is... I don't think that Joey and Charlie have anything in common. Ross: Oh, I don't know, they seem to have a shared interest in each other's tonsils... Phoebe: Wow, Joey and a professor! Can you imagine if they had kids and if the kids got her intelligence and Joey's raw sexual magnetism... Oh, those nerds will get laaaaaid! Rachel: All right, so... Ross, you're ok with all this? I mean... Ross: Yeah, it's no big deal. I mean, I just met her and I'm fine with it... Ross: Oh, God. I forgot how hot she was! Joey: Hey! All: Hi! Ross: I'm gonna get some more coffee. Charlie: Oh, you know what? I'll come with you! Ross: Ok. Chandler: So, a professor, uh? Joey: Yeah! She is cool, and she's so smart! Her mind is totally acrimonious That's not how she used it...? Charlie: I feel like I owe you an explanation. I don't ordinarily go around kissing guys at parties. I'm... well, I'm kind of embarrassed. I really hope you don't think less of me. Ross: Uhm no! Think less of you! No, I don't think less of you. I mean, you saw someone you liked and you kissed them. I mean, those people who like someone and don't kiss them... those-those people are stupid, I hate those people. Charlie: You know, actually I'm a little surprised to myself. I mean, Joey is so different from the guys I usually date. I mean, they're all professors, and intellectuals, and paleontologists mostly, you know, very cerebral... Ross: Yeah, I know the type. Joey: Hey, if you wanna grab a bite before work we'd better get acrimonious. No? Am I getting close? Opening credits Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hey you guys! Look what I just got. Rachel: Oh, OH! Wow, I love those! Where did you get them? Phoebe: I bought them off Ebay! They used to belong to the late Shania Twain. Rachel: Phoebe, Shania Twain is still alive! Phoebe: Oh... then I overpaid. Monica: Hey, what's this? Rachel: Oh, it's a gift certificate to this new SPA in SOHO. Monica: Oh, you can't show Phoebe this! She hates those corporate massage chains. Rachel: Ah, why, now I can't get a massage? There are so many things that she disapproves of! I can't eat veal, I can't wear fur, I can't go hunting... Monica: Do you wanna go hunting? Rachel: Well, I would like to have the option!! Phoebe: Hey, Rachel!! Rachel: Oh! Phoebe: No, you can't go there! You know how I feel about these "big massage places"! They're putting people like me out of business! Monica: And she wants to go hunting, too!! Rachel: Phoebe, come on, I don't wanna waste it! It would be like throwing away a hundred bucks! Phoebe: Ok, this is not about the MONEY, ok? It's about... it's about corporate greed destroying our hearts and leaving us... the hollow shells. Rachel: I don't care about any of that!! Phoebe: Well, do you care about friendship? Rachel: Oh! Phoebe: I feel really strongly about this, Rachel. Please, don't use this gift certificate. I'm asking you as a friend. Rachel: Oh, not as a friend, Phoebe!! Fine, I won't use it! Phoebe: Promise? Rachel: I promise. Phoebe: Thank you. Rachel: But I am going hunting!! Monica: Hey honey! I missed you today! Chandler: Oh, yeah? Monica: Yeah. What d'you wanna do tonight? Chandler: Oh, well... Maybe we could... Monica: Ok, trying to turn me on by making a mess? Know your audience! Besides, tomorrow we're doing those fertility tests and until then you need to keep your tadpoles in the tank. Chandler: We really need to take those tests? Monica: Honey, we've been trying to have a baby for over a year. I think it's a good idea to find out if everything's ok. Just a few routine tests. Chandler: But I don't wanna do it in a cup! Monica: What is the big deal? Chandler: It's weird! In a doctor's office? Monica: It's not ok to do it in a doctor's office but it is ok to do it in a parked car behind a Taco Bell? Chandler: And in my defense, it was a Wendy's! Monica: Look, I don't wanna do this test either, but I really do think it's a good idea! Chandler: Yeah, ok. I'm sure that doctor's office can't be worst than on a class trip to the Hershey's factory! Monica: OH! Chandler: Oh, yeah! RACHEL TALKS TOO! Joey: Who says that wine has to cost more than milk! Joey: Heeey! Charlie: Hi! Joey: Come on in, how are ya? Charlie: I'm good! Joey: Can I offer you a drink? Charlie: Please, I've been crazed all day! I had a meeting with the Dean, and my syllabus for summer school is due and I'm writing the Foreword for a friend's book... Joey: Uh-oh. I hade a pretty hectic day at work too, today I had to open a door and go ohhhh! Charlie: So I am just so excited to be here. And I can't wait to start exploring the city! Joey: Hey, if you need a tour guide... Charlie: Oh, you mean it? That would be so fun! Joey: Yeah, definitely, definitely. Ok, what do you wanna see first? Charlie: Oh, well, we can go see the Chronos Quartet at the Avery Fisher Hall. Joey: Ok! Charlie: And there is a collection of Walt Whitman letters on display at the public library. Joey: I know, yeah! Charlie: And first, I have to see the MET! Joey: Ok, let me stop you right there. The Mets suck, ok? You wanna see the Yankees. Charlie: No, no, no, not the Mets, the MET, singular! Joey: Which one, they all suck! Charlie: The museum! Joey: I don't think so. Rachel: Hi there! Receptionist: Hello, welcome to Lavender Day Spa SPA. How may I help you? Rachel: Oh, hi. I have a massage appointment under Rachel Green, and here is my gift certificate. Receptionist: This has been torn up. Rachel: And... taped back together. Receptionist: Ok well, I'll call you as soon as your massage therapist is ready. Rachel: Ok Receptionist: Have a seat through the glass doors. Rachel: through the glass doors. Receptionist: Through the glass doors. Rachel: Alright-y then. Receptionist: Phoebe, your next client's in the waiting room. Phoebe: Ok. Do we have to talk like that then they're not around? Oh, no, no! Listen, is there someone who can fill in for me? Receptionist: Sorry, everyone is booked! Phoebe: But that woman can't know I work here. She's a friend of mine and I made this big stink about how awful this massage chains are. Receptionist: Then why you work here? Phoebe: 'Cause it's good money! But that doesn't change the fact that this is an evil blood sucking corporate machine! Receptionist: Well, I think this is a great place to work! Phoebe: Ok, are they listening? Joey: Ross! Ross: Hi! Joey: I need to talk to you about Charlie. Ross: Oh, do you, do you really? Joey: Yeah, I'm... I'm kind of having a little problem. Ross: Look, if you don't know what the word "acrimonious" means, just don't use it! Joey: No, look, you know Charlie, right? She's cool, she's funny, her body is soo... Ross: Get to the problem! Joey: Yes. It's just that she's so much smarter than all the girls I've ever dated! Combined! I don't want her to think I'm stupid! Ross: Are you wearing two belts? Joey: EH, what do you know! Ross: You were saying you didn't want to seem stupid. Joey: Right, right, right, well, she wants to go to all this cultural places and I don't know how to talk about that stuff. You gotta help me out! Ross: You know, I really don't want to get involved in you guy's relationship. Joey: Please, c'mon, you're the smartest person I know and I really like this girl, ok, I don't wanna lose her. Ross: Fine. Joey: Thanks. Ross: Ok. Let's see. Oh, you should take her to the MET! Joey: The Metsss! Ross: Oh, no! The MET! The Metropolitan Museum of Art. Joey: You know, if they're gonna shorten it, they should call it the MUSE! You know, short for museum, and avoid all the confusion! Ross: Yeah, most of it it's a place packed with confused angry baseball fans! Joey: Ok, all right, so I'll take her to the MET. Ross: Yeah, uh, uh, ok, there's this great rare bookstore on Madison Avenue. You know what? She loves architecture, you know what you should do? You should take a walk down fifth to the Saint Patrick's Cathedral and there there's this great little pastry shop that she'd love. Joey: Geez, sounds like you should be going on this date! Ross: But I'm not! . You know what if you're in the mood for Thai food... Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down, you go way too fast. Ok? Just go back to the MET, ok? Ross: Ok. Joey: You got to tell me exactly what to do there. Ross: Ok, when you walk in the museum, take the right, that's the antiquities wing. Ancient Egypt, Mesopotamia, up to the Byzantine Empire. Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! So, I walk in the door and make the right Chandler: I have a weird feeling about this place. How do I know that they are not gonna secretly videotape me and put it all over the internet. Monica: Because, honey, I mean this in the sweetest way possible, nobody is gonna wanna watch that. Nurse: Mr. Bing? Here you are! You'll go into that room and deposit your specimen into the container. Chandler: Deposit my specimen? You know, usually I have to call a 900 number for that kind of talk. Thanks, got it. Monica: Hey, honey, my test is down the hall, are you sure you're going to be ok? Chandler: Yeah, I guess! Monica: I know this is embarrassing, but nobody cares! No one here even knows you! Janice: OH MY GOD!! Chandler: Oh, Come on! Commercial Break Janice: Ah ahahahhahaa! How great is this! Monica: Hey, we're probably fertile, let's go home! Chandler: Why are you here? Janice: Well, Sid and I are trying again and we had trouble last time because apparently we... Chandler: No no no... I mean, why? why is she here?? Janice: Oh! Someone's a little cranky today cuz they have to do it in a cup! . Chandler: What!? Monica: This was fun! But I've got an invasive vaginal exam to get to! Chandler: I'd love to stay, but I have eh... Janice: Please... go! Just let me know if you need a hand! Chandler: Phoebe: Hello "ja", it's time for your massage, ja! Put your face in the hole. Rachel: Wow, a Swedish massage from a real Swedish person. Phoebe: Okay, then I'm Swedish... Monica: So, what's your name? Phoebe: It's a normal Swedish name... Ikea... Rachel: Oh... what an interesting name. Phoebe: Ja! Rachel: You know I... Phoebe: Time for your scalp massage! Rachel: Phoebe: Is something wrong? Rachel: No, it's just that uhm... it feels so good... Ikea... Yeah, say hey, you'll know this, what's the capital of Sweden? Phoebe: Uhm... Stockholm. Rachel: Damn! I wish I knew if that was right! Joey: Note the painterly lines and subtle impasto on this canvas. Monet painted quickly and usually outdoors as his elusive subject was light itself. Ross: Now, do you have any idea what you just said? Joey: No, no, my mouth says the words, my brain is thinking monster trucks! Ross: Ok now, remember, when you get to the museum, Monet is not spelt M-O-N-A-Y. I just... I wrote that out phonetically for you. Joey: Phonetically? Ross: Yeah, yeah that means... you know? We just... we don't have time for this. Joey: Ok. Ross: Ok, but you know what? I gotta say, I'm really impressed that you were able to memorize all this so quickly! Joey: Ah! I'm an actor! I can memorize anything! Last week on "Days" I had to say "Frontal temporal zygomatic craniotomy". Ross: Wow. What does that mean? Joey: No idea! But the guy I said it to dies in the next scene so I guess it means "you're gonna get eaten by a bear". Ross: Ok! So let's move on to the Renaissance? Joey: Ok, Caravaggio uses chiaroscuro here to highlight the anguish of the central figure. Touch it, it's really bumpy! . Ross: Nah ah! Nah ah! No no no! No ad-libbing and dude, you can't touch the paintings. Joey: Come on! you... Ross: No! Chandler: Janice! You're not... gone? Janice: Oh! Sid is still in his room. I don't allow porn at home so this is like a vacation for him. So did you do it? Did you make your deposit? Chandler: Yeah! yeah... The hard part is over! Janice: That's not the hard part honey! The hard part is what comes next, I mean aren't you worried about the results? Chandler: I haven't... I haven't even thought about the results yet... I just assumed that everything was gonna be ok. Janice: Oh! Well, you know what? It probably is. Chandler: Yeah, but what if it's not? What if there is a reason why we can't have a baby? Janice: Oh, Chandler, look. You and Monica are meant to have children. I am sure it's gonna be just fine. Chandler: oh, oh, yeah, ok, thanks. I can't believe I didn't even think of that. I guess I was just so worried about having to... come here and do... 'that'... Janice: What, you can do it in the parking lot of a Taco Bell, but you can't do it at a doctor's office? Chandler: It was a "Wendy's!! " Phoebe: Rachel: Wow, Ikea... what a rich culture. Uhm, you know what? I have a friend who is a masseuse. Phoebe: Oh, Ja! Ja! Rachel: Yah! She's... uhm... not very good though... Phoebe: Uhu, uhu... and why do you think that is? Rachel: I don't know... maybe it's because she has got such callousy fingers from playing crummy guitar... Phoebe: Or... maybe she has trouble loosening your knots because you're such a high maintenance tight ass! Rachel: Phoebe!! Phoebe: You know it's me? Rachel: For like a half an hour! Man, you can lie about Sweden! Phoebe: How can you come here? Rachel: How could you not tell me you worked here? Phoebe: I don't have to tell you everything! Rachel: Yes you do, if you're going to make me feel guilty for getting a free massage! Phoebe: Tips not included. Rachel: Oh! Phoebe, why did you lie to me about working here? Phoebe: Because I was ashamed ok? I sold out for the cash! And then they give me benefits like medical, and dental, and a 401K. But you know... you pay a price. Now I'm this Corporate stooge and punching a clock and Ugh! paying taxes! Rachel: Phoebe, honey, if you hate it so much, you should walk out there right now and quit! Be true to what you believe in! Honey, you have principles and I so admire that! I don't have any! Phoebe: You know what? You are right. I am gonna quit. It's time I took my life back! Rachel: Good for you Pheebs! Phoebe: Ok. Phoebe: Okay If you guys have microphones in there too, I didn't mean any of that. I love you. Ross: Haha! Got ya! Die, die, die! Ross: Hey! Charlie: Hi! Ross: Hey, how was the Met? Charlie: The museum was amazing! Ross: Yeah? Joey really knows his art, huh? Charlie: Not so much, no. He had clearly memorized all the stuff to say, and some of it didn't even make any sense. Ross: What do you mean? Charlie: Well, for one, he was talking about paintings that were nowhere around. Ross: Wait a minute... when you guys walked into the Met, did you go to the right? Charlie: No, we went to the left. Ross: Oh Joey, Joey! But still, I mean, it seems like you guys are having a great time together. Charlie: Yeah, it's fun . Ross: What? Charlie: Actually, you know, Joey is your friend, and you don't really know me that well; it would be weird. Ross: What, I mean, a little, but no, what, go on. Charlie: Well... I'm just thinking that maybe he's not the right guy to be with right now, maybe I should be with someone... I have more in common with. You know what I mean? Ross: Yeah. But you know what? I think you should give Joey a chance. I mean, he's a great guy, and sure he doesn't know that much about art but you know, you can always talk about that with someone else. Charlie: Yeah, I guess that's true. Ross: And if you think about it, I mean the reason he memorized all that stuff is because he thought it was important to you. You know, that's the kind of guy Joey is. Charlie: He is very sweet. Plus he's hot! Ross: That was going to be my next argument. Joey: Hey! Ross: Hey! Charlie: Hey! Joey: You're ready? Charlie: Yeah, let's go. Thanks Ross. Joey: Hey Ross! That art stuff worked, you hooked me up. Ross: Glad I could help man. Joey: Although some of that stuff wasn't where you said it was gonna be, but... I made it work. Chandler: It is not okay that I'm aroused by this now. Chandler: Hello? Oh hi, Doctor Connelly. Monica: Hey sweetie. Chandler: Doctor Connelly just called. Monica: With good news? "Doctor Connelly just called! " But so what is it? Is there a problem, uh? Is there a problem with me or with you? Chandler: Actually it's both of us. Monica: What? Chandler: Apparently my sperm have low motility and you have an inhospitable environment. Monica: Oh... what does that mean? Chandler: It means that my guys won't get off their barcaloungers and you have a uterus that is prepared to kill the ones that do. It means... Monica: Chandler? Chandler: It means that we can keep trying, but there's a good chance this may never happen for us. Monica: Oh my God! Chandler: I'm sorry. Monica: I'm sorry too. Chandler: Well, we're gonna... we're gonna figure this out. Monica: I know. Closing credits Receptionist: Good morning Phoebe. Phoebe: Good morning receptionist. Receptionist: Here's your schedule for the day. Your first client is in room No. 1. Phoebe: Rachel Green? Son of a bitch, she came back? Phoebe: Are you ready for your Scottish massage? Put your face in the hole, lassy. End Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Directed by: Ben Weiss Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh, Sebastiano & Vanessa Charlie: Oh! That feels sooo good! Rachel: Oh, lucky me! Coffee and a live sex show! Charlie: I'm sorry, what? Rachel: Oh... Oh, I'm sorry! I'm not... I was just-I was just reading to Emma. Charlie: From... Cosmo?? Rachel: Yeah, yeah... It's... "climax your way to better skin". Charlie: So, I have to go shopping today, which is my least favourite thing, I'm soo bad at picking out clothes! Joey: So you need someone who knows fashion, to tell you what looks good. Rachel: Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me! Joey: Oh hey Rach! Rachel: Yeah... Joey: Maybe you could take Charlie shopping. Rachel: Oh, well... Charlie: I'm sure you have better things to do. Joey: Are you kidding? Rachel loves to shop! And she has great taste! Yeah, she's the one who taught me, you don't wear white after labour day and that you always, always, always have to put on underwear when you're trying on clothes. Charlie: If you have the time, I'd really appreciate the help. Rachel: Ok, uh-uh... Let's-Let's shop!! Joey: ... and some slutty lingerie, SLUTTY! Phoebe: That's off, right? Joey: What's the matter, Pheebs? Phoebe: Oh... Mike's sister just invited me to a party tonight, he's gonna be there. And she was like "Oh, don't worry! I asked him. He's totally ok with seeing you!". So now I have to go so he'll think that I'm totally ok with seeing him! Rachel: Which you're not, because you've totally hung up on him! Phoebe: Exactly! Rachel: And you're gonna want him to eat his heart out so you're gonna have to look fabulous! Phoebe: Aaargh, sexual politics!! Rachel: Hey Pheebs, I'm-I'm taking Charlie shopping, why don't you come and I'll help you find something. Phoebe: Ok, that'll be great! Joey: Oh, ain't that nice? The three of you trying on slutty lingerie together. Rachel: That's not what we're gonna do! Joey: Why would you ruin it, who was that hurtin'? Opening credits Chandler: Wow! Fortunately she has a very pretty face! Monica: Oh, I so can't believe this! My uterus is an inhospitable environment? I was trying so hard to be a good hostess! Chandler: Oh, I can't believe my sperm have low motility because, let me tell you, when I was growing up they sure seem to be in a hurry to get places!! Doctor Connelly: Hi there. Chandler: Hi. Monica: Hi. Doctor Connelly: I'm sorry there wasn't better news from your test last week but I wanted to talk to you about your options. Monica: Ok. Doctor Connelly: Above all, even though your chances of conceiving through natural means aren't great, you never know! So, keep having sex on a regular basis. Chandler: Oh, DAMN IT! Monica: Don't worry, after a while he'll tune it out. Doctor Connelly: Ok, given your situation, the options with the greatest chances for success would be surrogacy, or insemination using a sperm donor. Monica: Ok. Doctor Connelly: And, of course, if you feel that neither of those is right for you, you can always adopt. Chandler: Is that a hint? Because we love you Doctor Connelly but we don't think we'd want you to be our child! Wow, talking about an inhospitable environment! Rachel: Hi! Ok, you're ready to go pick up Phoebe and go shopping? Charlie: Oh, yeah! Let's do it! Joey: Rachel: Not gonna find any clothes in there! Ross: Hey, you guys! Rachel: Hi. Ross: Guess who's up for keynote speaker at the National Paleontology Conference? Charlie: Umh... Kurts Baley? Ross: Yeah, right! What was last time he met a submission deadline for an abstract Well, why are you laughing? Joey: Just... seeing what it'd be like to be a paleontologist... it's fun, yeah! Charlie: So you're up for keynote speaker! Who's making the decisions? Ross: Professor Sherman, yeah. I've a meeting with him today. Charlie: He's a pretty tough guy to impress. Ross: Yeah, well... I think I know how to dazzle him. Rachel: Oh... you're not gonna do a magic trick, are ya? Ross: Tsz... NO! . Chandler: Hey guys! Ross: Wait a minute, you guys. Oh, I wanna ask you something. I-I I may get to speak at this paleontology convention and if I do, I'd love for you guys to come and hear me. Chandler: I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work stuff and/or are sick. Ross: It's in Barbados. Chandler: But you come first! Rachel: I'm there! Charlie: We'll see you, guys! Joey: Bye. Rachel: Bye, see ya. Chandler: Ok. Joey: All right, so. How did it go at the fertility clinic? Chandler: Not as much fun as last time. Apparently you only get porn if you're giving a sperm sample. Ross: So-so what did the doctor say? Chandler: Well... there's surrogacy, but Monica has dreamt her whole life of carrying a child, she has felt that watching a surrogate would be... too hard for her. Joey: So you're ruling out surrogacy? Chandler: Yeah. Joey: So, I don't have to learn what that means? Chandler: Aside from adoption the only other choice is insemination, so... we're talking about sperm donors. Joey: Enough said, I'm there for you man. Where is she, upstairs? Chandler: ah-ha! Ross: How do you feel about all this? Chandler: I wish there was an easier way for us to have a child but I don't think there is one. Joey: Come on Ross, be a good guy. Step up and do it! Ross: What? Ross: What? NO! I am not going to give them Ben! Ross: The data we are receiving from MRI scans and DNA testing of these fossils are - are staggering. Professor Sherman: Mmm-mm. Ross: is that the repercussions could be huge! I mean, not just in palaeontology, but if-if you think about it, in evolutionary biology, uh, genetics, geology, uh, I mean, truly the mind boggles! Ross: Oh, that's not what you want... Shop assistant: Incentive For Men? Phoebe: Oh, I'll take some of that. Rachel: Pheebs, that's for men! Phoebe: No, I know, this way when I go to the party later Mike will know I am over him cause I'm gonna smell like another guy. Yeah. Phoebe: Ok. Oh good, I'm dating a Russian cab driver. . Seriously does anyone buy this? I smell like beets! Charlie: So, you know what, I really like those jackets with the shoulder pads on them. Where do you think those would be? Rachel: On Melanie Griffith in "Working girl". I think what you want is over here. Charlie: See, I told you I needed someone! Oh, you know, by the way, as a "thank you", I would really love to take you out. Rachel: Really? Charlie: Yeah! Actually Joey and I are going to the movies tonight, wanna come? Rachel: Oh, I can't. Because I-I've seen them. Charlie: You've seen all the movies... Rachel: Yeah! I'm a big fan! Of the movies, you know. Motion pictures. The Talkies! Phoebe: Hey Rach, will you come with me to a dressing room? Rachel: Sure! Phoebe: Ok! Charlie: Wha, you know, maybe we can do something else! Rachel: You know that depends on what it is! I've done a lot of stuff. Phoebe: So what were you doing out there, do you not like Charlie? Rachel: She's ok, I just don't get a really good vibe from her! Phoebe: Why? Rachel: I don't know, you know, just the way she waltzed in here all smart, and tall! You know, and just swept Joey off his feet... I mean, nobody else has a chance! Phoebe: Who else? Rachel: Anybody! You, me, you know, Monica's mom... Phoebe: You like Joey? Rachel: Shhhhh! Phoebe! All right, look. I have a little thing for him. Phoebe: Oh my God! Rachel: It's just physical and I have it totally under control! Ok? It's just, when I see them together, sometimes I just get a little jealous! Phoebe: Uh, wow! Isn't it ironic that he liked you and now you like him? Rachel: Oh, I get it! Phoebe: Oh well, as long as it is under control, you know, you can't do anything about it, he's already dating her, and she is a nice person, that wouldn't be right. Rachel: I know, I know, so it is just not a big deal. Phoebe: Yeah. Rachel: So can we keep this between us? Phoebe: Sure! Rachel: Ok, great, because I gotta get out of here, the smell of beets is killing me! Phoebe: Oh. Phoebe: Any chance Charlie has a deaf twin? Monica: Hi honey! Chandler: Hey! Look I brought a friend for dinner, this is Zack, from work! Monica: Oh, of course, it's so nice to see you again, Zack! Zack: You too. Chandler: You guys haven't actually met before, but, boy! You're both polite! Go to have a seat Zack, and I'll get you a beer. Monica: I got it. Zack: Thanks. Chandler: So, Zack's pretty nice, uh? Monica: Yeah, I guess. Chandler: So, how would you like to have a baby that's half yours and half his! Monica: Excuse me? Chandler: Well, we're talking about sperm donors and Zack may be the guy! I mean, look, he's intelligent, he's healthy, he's athletic, I mean, he is "spermtastic"! Monica: Chandler, this is crazy! What did you even say to him! "Come up, meet my wife! Give us your sperm"! Chandler: No, I invited him to dinner so you could get a chance to get to know him! I mean, if we go through a sperm bank you never meet the guy, get to check him out. Monica: Chandler! Chandler: I'm telling you, he's great! I mean, even if my sperm worked fine, I'd think he'd be the way to go! Monica: I'm not going to be a part of this! You can't just bring some random guy at home and expect him to be our sperm donor! Chandler: Ok! Monica: Uh! Chandler: Zack! Zack: Thanks! Do you have a coaster? I don't wanna make a ring. Monica: Tell me about yourself, Zack! Rachel: Oh, God, do you think she heard? It would be so bad if she heard! Phoebe: Well, maybe she didn't hear! Ok I'm gonna go into that dressing room, you stay in here and I'll talk and see if you can hear me. Rachel: Ok, great! Rachel: Oh, thank God I can't hear a word that you're saying! Phoebe: I didn't say anything yet! Rachel: Well, get back in there and talk! Phoebe: I'm Rachel. It's so annoying when I put Emma on the phone to talk with my friends. Rachel: What!? Phoebe: Well, some things are just hard to say to your face. Rachel: Ok well, I heard that! Which means that she heard it too! Phoebe: Ooh! We have a problem. Rachel: Oh! What are we gonna do? Stranger: Just be honest with her. Rachel: Oh my God! Stranger: And it is annoying when parents put their baby on the phone... Rachel: Alright! Enough out of you! Joey: Hello? Ross: Joey! Hey, I need to talk to Charlie. Is she there? Joey: No. no... eh... she went shopping with Rachel. Why? What's up? Ross: I'm meeting with professor Sherman about my being the keynote speaker... Joey: Oh! How's it going? Ross: It could be better! He, uhm... he fell asleep! Joey: What!? But I already bought my ticket to Bermuda! Ross: Barbados. Joey: Fine, I'll rent a car and drive...! Ross, you have to get that job! Ross: What am I supposed to do? He's out cold! In fact he was just talking in his sleep before and evidently he wants someone named Fran to spank him harder. Joey: Well, just wake him up! Ross: I can't! If he realizes that I'm the one that put him to sleep, I won't get the job! Joey: Uh! That's a tough one. Oh! Wait a minute, this happened to me before! Yeah, I was auditioning for a play and the producer fell asleep and... no wait a minute... it was me who fell asleep... Yeah I mean hey, Shakespeare, how about a chase scene once in a while!? Monica: Hey guys! Dinner's ready! Zack: Oh! I'm gonna go wash up first. Thanks! Chandler: So what do you think? I want that guys genes for my kid! Those eyes, those cheeckbones! Monica: Ok, there's enthusiastic and there's just plain gay!! Chandler: You don't like him. Monica: I think he is fine! It's just that we don't know anything real about him... we should get more information. Chandler: Alright! Just follow my lead! Zack: You guys have such a great place here. Chandler: Oh! Thanks, I'm crazy about our place. Hey! speaking of crazy... do you have a history of mental illness in the family? Zack: Uhm... no. Although I did have an uncle who voted for Dukakis. Chandler: That's really not the kind of thing we are looking for Zack. Zack: Okaaay... so eh... so tell me, how did you guys meet. Monica: Oh, friends first, drunk in London, you know the story. I've got a better question for you: Do you or any of your blood relatives have diabetes? Zack: No... Monica: Eh... Heart Disease, Alzheimers, gout? Zack: You guys don't have people for dinner a lot, huh? Monica: We're just making conversation. Zack: Ok. I heard a joke today. It's pretty funny... Chandler: You know what's not funny? Male Pattern Baldness Zack: Ok listen, you guys have shown a lot of interest in me tonight and I'm flattered and... and quite frankly a little frightened. Can we just talk about something else? Monica & Chandler: Sure! Alright... Zack: Ravioli's delicious! Chandler: I noticed you were enjoying that Ravioli with a beautiful set of teeth. Did you have braces as a child? Zack: No I didn't. Monica: Yess!! Chandler: We're teeth people Zack! Rachel: Alright! Let's just do it. Let's just go over there and see if she heard. Phoebe: Good plan. Rachel: Ok. Wha...? where? Where are you going? Phoebe: Oh! I'm sorry Rachel, I don't have time for your childish games, ok? I still have to go find something incredible to wear so I can beat Mike at "who's more over who"! Rachel: Hey, hi! Hey, where've you been? Charlie: Oh! trying on clothes. Rachel: Oh! Wi... in the dres... in the dressing room!? Well, that's so weird! Phoebe and I were just trying on clothes in the dressing room. God it's just such a small world! Charlie: Rachel... I heard you guys whispering. Rachel: Oh God. You did. You heard. Ok, listen, let me explain. Charlie: No! There's nothing to explain. I heard you. Phoebe likes Joey. Rachel: Yeah. Charlie: It's just that... I don't understand it... I mean, Phoebe likes Joey and then she comes here to buy a dress to impress another guy...? Rachel: Yeah! That's Phoebe. That's Phoebe. You know, she just wants them all! It's like she's a nympho! Charlie: Wow! Rachel: Yeah... Charlie: You know, by the way. I heard you tell her not to do anything. Thanks for sticking up for me. You are such a nice person. Rachel: I try... Ross: Prof. Sherman: Joey: ... stop-eating hot! Which is like the highest level of hotness! Phoebe: Are you sure? Because I'm really dreading going to this party. Joey: Then don't go! Phoebe: Mike knows I'm coming, and if I don't show up he'll think it's because of him! And I don't want to lose face! That's a very serious thing in my culture. Joey: Alright, then you go to that party and you pretend to be over Mike. And afterward you come to my place and I'll get you good and drunk! Phoebe: You got it! Ok. But not on the wine that you made, ok, because I just don't want to go back to the Emergency Room. Phoebe: David? David: Phoebe! Hi! Phoebe: Oh my God! David: Wow, you look unbelievable. Phoebe: Yeah. What-what are you doing here? David: Well, I'm back from Minsk... permanently. Phoebe: What happened? David: Well, remember how I was trying to achieve the positronic distillation of subatomic particles? Phoebe: Yeah? David: Well, after eight years of research I discovered that it can't be done. Phoebe: Well, it's great that you're back! How are you? David: Good, good, life is good... Phoebe: Good! David: Ah well, I-I'm seeing someone. Phoebe: Oh, good for you. David: She's also a scientist, so she's very smart and pretty and... well, it's actually because of you, really, that we're together, I mean, I saw what you had with that Mike guy, and I just said "Boy, I want that". Phoebe: Mike and I broke up. David: You're kidding me. Because I'm not seeing anybody, I've just totally made that up. Phoebe: Really? David: Yeah, I don't know why, I'm sorry, I guess I just didn't want to lose face. Phoebe: I understand. Yeah. Ok so then ok, so we're both living in New York, not seeing anyone. That's so not like us! David: Yeah, I know. Well... this is probably a stupid question, seeing that you look like that, but do you have some place that you need to be right now? Phoebe: Well... no. David: Do you wanna get a drink? Phoebe: I'd love to. David: Great. Phoebe: Ok. David: Do you smell beets? Phoebe: Oh, got it, stay upwind of me. Charlie: Hey, there's Phoebe! Is that Mike she's with? Rachel: No, that's David. Charlie: There's a third guy? Rachel: Tip of the iceberg. Zack: I'm gonna take off now. You're gonna let me go home, aren't you? Chandler: You sure you don't wanna stick around a little longer? Zack: No, no, I should get home, I'm kinda tired. Chandler: Are you just tired now or are you always tired, 'cause that could be a sign of clinical depression. Zack: No it's just tiring having to figure out the age at which all my grandparents died. I'll see you tomorrow. Chandler: Ok. Chandler: I think we've found our sperm! Monica: Does seem pretty perfect. Chandler: Yeah, you think so, well? Should I ask him? Monica: No. Chandler: Why not, just because his great-grandmother was obese, our kids are gonna get that from you anyway! Monica: No, that's not it. It's just that when we were asking him all those questions before, I just... I just realized I don't care if he's the most perfect guy in the world... he's not you. Chandler: Yeah, he's better! Monica: No, he's not. And if I can't get pregnant with you, then I don't want to get pregnant by... him or anyone else. Chandler: Really? Are you sure? Monica: Yeah, I'm sure. Chandler: Thank God, because I don't wanna do this either. You know, I was just doing because I thought that was what you wanted to do. You know, I'm the husband, I'm supposed to... bring the sperm. Monica: That is so sweet. I love you. Chandler: So you know this leaves us with... Monica: Adoption. Chandler: How do you feel about that? Monica: I think I feel ok about it. Actually I think I feel really good about it. Chandler: Me too. I wanna find a baby that needs a home and I wanna raise it with you. And I wanna mess it up in our own specific way. Monica: So this is it, we're really gonna adopt? Chandler: Yeah. Monica: Oh my God, we're gonna be parents! Chandler: We are gonna be great parents. Monica: And it could be soon. I mean, think about it: right now, somewhere out there our baby could be being conceived. Chandler: Wait, if we're lucky, and we're really really really quiet, we may be able to hear the sound of a condom breaking! Closing credits Chandler: Hey, Zack! Zack: Hey Chandler. Chandler: Look, I just wanted to apologize for last night. I got the feeling we made you a little uncomfortable. Zack: No you didn't. Chandler: Really? Zack: No you did. Chandler: My wife and I have some boundary issues, you know, sometimes we ask inappropriate questions. We're working on it. Jeanette: . Zack: Oh, thank you. Chandler: You wouldn't know if Jeanette's planning on keeping her baby, would ya? End Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Transcribed by: Coffee Mug Monica: Oh, the way you crushed Mike at ping pong was such a turn-on.You wanna...? Chandler: You know, I'd love to, but I'm a little tired. Monica: I'll put a pillowcase over my head. Chandler: You're on! Phoebe: Hey! Monica: What's up? Phoebe: Well, okay, Mike's taking a shower, which by the way there's no law against. And then we're gonna grab some food, so if you want... Ross: ... finally... Phoebe: Is that Ross? Monica: Yeah, you can hear everything through these stupid walls. Phoebe: Sounds like he's with someone. Chandler: He could be alone. This morning I heard him do push-ups, and then talk to his triceps. Monica: Wait a minute, I think Phoebe's right. You know I hear someone else in there with him. Charlie: Ooh... Dr. Geller! Ross: God, you're amazing... I didn't even have to ask you to call me that. Monica: Oh my God, that's Charlie! Chandler: She's cheating on Joey with Ross! Phoebe: Oh that tart... floozy... giant... Monica: I'm not sure about this. Phoebe: Yeah, you're right. This is none of our business. Monica: No I'm not sure that it's the best way to hear everything. Someone get me a glass! Phoebe: Oh, I'm not gonna do this, okay? I'm not gonna eavesdrop on my friend. Rachel: Ooh... I love Barbados! Joey: Ooh... I can't believe I'm kissing you. I'm kissing Rachel! Rachel: I know, I'm her! Phoebe: Rachel and Joey! It's Rachel and Joey!!! Monica: What? Phoebe: Get over here! Rachel: ooh... Chandler: Wow! Monica: Oh my God, I love how thin these walls are! Monica: Thank you. OPENING CREDITS Rachel: Hey, you know, before you said that nothing could happen between us? What changed? Joey: Well, I only said that because of Ross, you know. Then I saw him kissing Charlie... Rachel: What? Ross and Charlie? Wow! She's really making her way through the group, huh? Ah, who am I to talk? Monica: I can't believe this. Rachel and Joey? Chandler: How about the dinosaur twins in the other room? No-one is manning that wall! Monica: I'm on it! Chandler: Anything? Monica: I think I hear curtains closing... Phoebe: We've got shoes being kicked off over here. Monica: Bedsprings, unmistakable! Chandler: You do realise that's your brother? Monica: Not until you said it. Somebody switch! Wait a minute... Ross and Charlie, Joey and Rachel, Phoebe and Mike! We're the only people leaving with the same person we came with. Chandler: That's not true. I came with Monica and I'm leaving with Weird Al. Monica: Okay, I've had it with the hair jokes. Tomorrow morning, before we leave, I'm going to the salon. Chandler: Okay Buckwheat! Phoebe: You gotta hear this, it's great... It's like free porn! Ross: Weh...*sigh* Charlie: uhm... Is everything okay? Ross: Yeah, It's just... I don't think I can do this... Charlie: Ooh... Is it because of what might be on the bedspread, because I saw that news report too, with the infra red and the ... I could just... Ross: No, NO! Look, I need to talk to Joey. I mean, you guys just broke up. Before anything more happens between us, I need to know he's okay with it. Charlie: I uhm... I completely understand. Ross: Alright, I'm gonna go find them... Okay, I see you later. Charlie: Okay... Phoebe: That's the door. He's gone... Chandler: And she's... turning on the TV... and watching... Miss Congeniality! Monica: Honey, if you know it through a wall, you know it too well! Ross: Hey, what are you guys doing? Phoebe: Oh, we're just... we're sad to go so we're just saying goodbye to the hotel. Monica: Chandler: Bye! Ross: Okay, uhm... Hey, you guys seen Joey anywhere? Chandler: He's probably in his room with his current girlfriend Charlie. That's the situation as we know it... Ross: Well, if you see him could you please tell him I'm looking for him? Chandler: You got it! Ross: Thanks! Monica: Other wall, people! Other wall! Ross: Joey: Oh my God, it's Ross. What are we gonna do? Rachel: Oh, ju-ju-just stay calm. Just be calm. For all he knows we're just hanging out together. Right? Just be nonchalant. That's not nonchalant! Joey: No idea what it means. Rachel: Oh... okay, just hide! Ross: Rach? Rachel: Coming! Try under the bed, try under the bed! Rachel: There's no room under the bed. Ross: Is everything okay? Rachel: Yeah... Ross: Hey. Rachel: Hi... Ross: You know where Joey is? Rachel: ...I really don't... Ross: Can I talk to you for a minute? Rachel: Yeah, sure... Joey: I don't believe this... Have you guys been... Phoebe: Shhh... This is the listening side of the wall. Ross: And then she told me that she and Joey had broken up, and that part of the reason was that she had feelings for me. Rachel: Uh-huh... right... yeah... Ross: And you know I wanted to ask Charlie out since the day I met her. Rachel: Oh, I know... I know it's been really hard for you. Ross: Anyway, one thing lead to another, and... oh... before you know it, we were kissing. I mean, how angry do you think Joey is gonna be? Rachel: That is hard to say, Ross. That is hard to say. Ross: You know, I gotta go find him. He's gotta be here someplace. Rachel: You would think! Rachel: Joey! Joey: Is he gone? Rachel: How are you doing this? Joey: Pssst... Rachel: How... wha... Hey! What are you... What is this? Have you guys been listening this entire time? Monica, Chandler and Phoebe: YE-AH! Phoebe: Now, what is this? Rachel: Ah, what is this? Well, lets see, we kissed for ten minutes and now we're talking to our friends about it, so I guess this is sixth grade! Phoebe: Oh no... Have you thought about it how complicated this could get? What about Ross? Joey: Well, he's with Charlie now. Monica: Yeah, but he wants to talk to you before anything really happens with her. And as his friend, I mean, don't you think he deserves the same from you? Joey: You're a pain in my ass, Geller! Rachel: All right, look you guys... Look, we appreciate all the advice, but this is between Joey and me and I think we can handle it... Chandler: Okay, well we'll go back in there, but will you do one thing for us? The people that care about you? Rachel: Sure... Chandler: Enunciate! Rachel: Get out! Rachel: Are they right? Joey: Probably, yeah... I mean, maybe we should... hold off until we talk to Ross. Rachel: Yeah... Yeah, we can wait, we don't have to do anything tonight. Joey: Yeah, I think that'd be best... So, so I'm gonna... I'm gonna take off... Rachel: Although... Joey: I like although! Rachel: I mean, you know... Ross and I haven't dated in like... six years... Joey: Six years? Wow... It's almost as long as highschool... Rachel: Plus, you know, he is with Charlie now. Joey: Absolutely! He's not thinking about you. Rachel: No... Joey: I'm thinking about you... Rachel: Yeah... Joey: Let's forget about Ross... Rachel: Forgotten. Joey: What's wrong? Rachel: Nothing... Joey's voice, but she sees Ross: Seriously... What is it? Rachel: Nothing... It's really... It's nothing... Come here, come here... Joey's voice/Ross: What's wrong? Rachel: Sorry, I just uhm... I can't seem to get Ross out of my head... Joey: Well, maybe I can help. Rachel/Ross: Ooh, your lips are so soft... Do that again... Joey: Yeah... we really need to talk to Ross... Both: Yeah COMMERCIAL BREAK Ross: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Ross: You guys ready to go? Chandler: Not quite. Monica's still at the salon, and I'm just finishing packing. Ross: Dude! You're not taking your Bible? Chandler: You're not supposed to take that. Besides, it's a New Testament, what are you gonna do with it? Ross: Learn about Jesus... Ross: Hey! Charlie: So, did you talk to Joey? Ross: Uh, no... no. I couldn't find him. I'm just gonna talk to him on the plane. Charlie: Yeah, sounds like a good idea... Dr. Geller! Ross: Stop it! Charlie: PHD Ross: You're filthy! Phoebe: Hey, have you guys seen Monica? Ross: Uh, actually I think she went to the salon. Phoebe: Oh yeah, oh, she went to the salon alright... Monica: Check it out! Phoebe: Who's day just got better? CHANDLER! Chandler: Hey!... aaaaaahhhh! Monica: What do you think? Chandler: I think.... I think I can see your scalp. Monica: Don't you just love it? Ross: Ye... Yeah... Yeah... You got shellfish in your head. Charlie: It's so... something... You go girlfriend! Ross: You've never said that in your life, have you? Charlie: Not once. Ross: I thought so. Monica: And listen to this... Chandler: What d'ya know... It's a treat for the eyes and the ears. Joey: Whoo, whoo. Wow, it's uhm... kinda weird that I'm sitting next to Charlie after we broke up. Chandler: Yeah, it's almost if Air Barbados doesn't care about your social life. Joey: Look, does someone mind switching to sit with Charlie? Ross: Oh, I uh, I mean, I... dude, I spent the whole conference with Charlie. Joey: I understand... Ross: No, I'll do it. Chandler: Wish I could switch with someone. I really don't wanna sit with Allen Iverson over there. Phoebe: Uhm... You know, once we're in the air and the captain turns off the seatbelt sign... you feel free to roam about my cabin... Mike: You should be careful when checking your overhead bins, 'cause items may shift during... Phoebe: Aaah... you're not good at this... Mike: You don't have to go home tonight, do you? Phoebe: No, I think I can come over. It's Saturday, right? Mike: Oh... Phoebe: What? Mike: Uhm... I can't do anything tonight. Phoebe: Why not? Mike: I have a date. Phoebe: You have a... You have a date? With who? Mike: Oh, it's... my girlfriend. Phoebe: You have... have a girlfriend? Mike: Yeah... Well, when... you and I broke up I started seeing someone. Phoebe: For how long? Mike: Three months. Phoebe: Three months? Okay... This is probably none of my business, but uhm, how long do you think you're gonna keep seeing her? Mike: I'll tell her that it's over tonight at dinner. I promise. Phoebe: Oh, okay... good. You do that. And then when you get home, maybe there'll be a special delivery package waiting for you. Mike: Maybe I'll sign for it. Tear it open. Pull out the packing material... Phoebe: You know what, we're gonna have sex. Let's just leave it there. Ross: Right, I'm gonna go talk to Joey. I think this is the right time. He's always in a good mood after the flight attendant says "duty free". Charlie: Okay... Good luck. Rachel: Ross is coming over. I think now would be a really good time to talk to him. Joey: I guess so. I'm just... really nervous. Rachel: Okay, well keep in mind that by the time you're done, they'll probably be serving dinner. Joey: Ooh... Rachel: Still nervous? Joey: I'm gonna get the lasagna. Ross: Hey Rach... Rachel: Yeah! Ross: Do you mind if I sit here for a sec.? Rachel: Yeah, yeah sure! Yeah! Ross: Hey! Joey: Hey! Ross: So, I uhm... kinda need to talk to you about Charlie. Joey: Yeah? Ross: Okay, last night after you guys broke up... so sorry to hear about that, by the way... Well, Charlie and I were talking, and..., well... Joey: You kissed. Ross: Wha... What? What would give you that idea? Joey: I saw you. Ross: Yeah, we kissed, but... nothing else... nothing else happened, okay. Joey: Ross, Ross, Ross... It's okay. Ross: What? Joey: It's okay. You know, I totally understand, alright? You guys, make way more sense than her and I ever did, you know. And... I want you to be happy. Ross: Are you serious? Joey: Yeah... Now I have something... Ross: I am speachless... I mean the fact that you would put my happiness first like that. I mean, you're an incredible friend, you know that? Joey: Oh... uh... look... before you... Ross: No, I mean it. You are so loyal man, and selfless, and generous... Joey: I am those things, yeah. Ross: You know what? I know Chandler longer, so I always think of him as my best friend, but now... I may have to rethink some stuff... Joey: Dude! Ross: Hey, if there is ever, anything I can do for you... Joey: I can't think of anything. Ross: Thanks! Joey: Yeah. Rachel: So hi! Ross: Hi! Rachel: So you eh, you talked to Joey? Ross: Ah, yeah. We had a really good talk. Rachel: Oh! That's great! Ross: Yeah! Rachel: Oh, so everything's okay? Ross: Oh, no, it's great. It's great. He is... He is an amazing guy. Rachel: Ah... Well, obviously I think so too. Ross: Well, I'm so excited about this. Rachel: Really? Excited? Ross: Are you kidding? I have had some very dirty dreams about this... Rachel: Excuse me! You didn't tell him, did you? Joey: I couldn't. He was saying all these really nice things about me. I didn't want him to get mad and take 'em all back. I'm on a edge on Chandler. Rachel: Oh God! Alright, fine. You know what Joey, forget it. When we go back to New York, I will tell him. Joey: Thank you. Yeah, I appreciate that. COMMERCIAL BREAK Phoebe: Hi, Mike's place. Mike: Hey, it's Mike. Phoebe: Ooh, that was fast. Mike: Oh, err... no, she's not here yet. You know, I think I'm just gonna take off and break up with her over the phone... Phoebe: Yeah, you can't do that! Oh, come on Mike, strap on a pair.Why don't you just tell her that we got back together. You know, women appreciate honesty. We also appreciate gentle spanking once in a while. Just F.Y.I. Mike: One more thing... There... might be a picture of Precious on my coffee table. Phoebe: Her name is Precious? Is she a purebreed or did you pick her up at the pound? Mike: Anyway, I just wanna give you a heads up. Phoebe: Okay, oh and you know, if she gets upset, just scratch her tummy and give her a liver snout. Precious: Hi, I'm Precious, who are you? Phoebe: I... I'm Phoebe. Precious: Phoebe? Mike's ex-girlfriend Phoebe, the love of his life? That Phoebe? Phoebe: Enchanté Monica: Oh, I can't wait for everyone at work to see these... Ow! Chandler: You go back to work tomorrow night, right? Monica: Yeah! Chandler: So if you want people to see them, then by definition you're not having them taken out... say, at the break of dawn? Monica: Well, if I had them taken out, then I wouldn't be able to do this. Chandler: What are you singing? Monica: It's "Bolero" from "10". Chandler: It's "Ride of the Valkyries" from "Apocalypse Now"... See, here's the thing: The corn rose were really a solution to your frizzy hair problem. And now that we're home, we don't have that problem anymore, so if you think about it... I hate them! Monica: You what? You said you liked them. Chandler: Did I? Let's refresh. I believe what I said was that I could see your scalp. Monica: Fine, so you don't like them. Everybody else does. Chandler: Again, let's journey back... As I recall what Rachel said, was she had never notice the shape of your skull before. And Joey... Well, Joey didn't realise that there was anything different. Monica: You know what? I don't care. I like it like this, and I'm gonna keep it. You're just jealous because your hair can't do this... OUCH! Chandler: Hit yourself in the tooth? Monica: And the eye! Ross: Rachel: That was one time, Ross, and they were only like 5 milligrams. Ross: Ooh hey, Emma, daddy has some presents for you okay? Okay? I want you to wait right here. Come here sweetie. Rachel: Aaah... Ross, actually there's something that I really need to talk to you about. Ross: Okay, shoot! Rachel: Okay, uhm... alright, here's the deal. Ross: OH NO! Rachel: What? What is it? Ross: Oh, major shampoo explosion! Rachel: Uh, look Ross, this really isn't easy. Ross: Oh, it's all over everything. Why? Why me? Rachel: Because you took three hundred bottles of shampoo? Ross: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You were saying? Rachel: Well, yeah... Okay, look it's about me and... Ross: Oh, not another one! Oh my G... And this is moisturiser. It's even harder to clean! Why? Why do bad things happen to good people? Rachel: Wow! Well, clearly this is not a good time. Ross: Duh, you think? Phoebe: Okay, bye. Alright, so Mike's on his way over. See, you thought you guys were meeting here, and he thought you were meeting at the restaurant, so you know... Doesn't really matter who's right or wrong. Point is... I'm gonna take off. Precious: I'm not letting you leave until you tell me what's going on here. I mean, are you guys getting back together or something? Phoebe: Alright... Susie, can I call you Susie? Precious: My name is Precious. Phoebe: Yeah, I can't say that. uhm... Susie, I'm gonna be straight with you... Mike and I are back together... and uhm... unfortunately that effectively ends your relationship with him. And he's very sorry about that and wishes you the best of luck in all your endeavours. Precious: I just can't believe this... Why? Phoebe: Well, I don't... Precious: Oh, why would he do this? I mean, what's wrong with me? Phoebe: Nothing, there's nothing wrong with you. Precious: I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do now? Phoebe: Damn it woman, pull yourself together! Have some pride, for the love of God. Phoebe: Okay, not a fan of the tough love. Precious: I just can't believe that Mike didn't give me any warning. Phoebe: But he didn't really know, you know. He wasn't planning on coming to Barbados and proposing to me... Precious: He proposed to you? This is the worst birthday ever. Phoebe: Look, Precious... Mike's not worth this. You're an attractive, intelligent woman and let's face it, Mike's kind of a wang. I mean, he proposed to me while he was still seeing you... He was gonna break-up with you on your birthday? And, I don't like to kiss-and-tell, but he cheated on you a lot this weekend. Precious: Oh, my God, maybe you're right. Maybe I don't need him. I deserve to be treated with respect. Precious: Screw you, Mike. You're a coward and a bastard, and I hope you rot in hell. Phoebe: You're welcome! Chandler: Honey, you've been in there for a long time... Is everything okay? Monica: Not really. Monica: I have a problem. Chandler: Really? What happened? Monica: Well, I was dancing around, and singing "No Woman, No Cry" and I got stuck. Chandler: You can't move at all? Monica: Oh, well, I can move... Chandler: If I untangle you, will you please get rid of the corn rose? Monica: I guess so... Chandler: Some of these look a little frayed. Monica: Yeah, I tried to gnaw myself free. Joey: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Joey: So, did you err... did you tell Ross? Rachel: Well, I tried, but then he had a shampoo related emergency. So I guess now it's your turn again. Joey: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no... I think it's better if you tell him, you know. It's easier for a woman. That way, you know, if he gets mad, all you have to do is go... I didn't mean it. I'm so so--ooory. Rachel: Yeah, 'cause that's what we do. Joey: Alright, alright, okay, uhm... How 'bout this, how about this? Tomorrow... tomorrow we'll both go and we'll tell him together. Rachel: Okay, that sounds fair. It just means that once again we can't... Joey: I know, I know..., but that's okay. I mean, we can control ourselves, we're not animals. Rachel: No! Of course we can wait. Alright, so I guess that means good night then? Joey: Yeah! Good night! Rachel: Goo--ood night! Joey: Good night! Rachel: Seriously, good night! Joey: Stop saying good night. Rachel: Okay. COMMERCIAL BREAK Monica: Look what I found in the drawer... And you said I'd never wear this... Chandler: Now that I untangled you, how 'bout you doing a little something for me? Monica: Sure, what do you have in mind? Chandler: I think you know. Monica: Really? I don't really feel like it. Chandler: This is what I want to do. Monica: Okay, I just don't get why you like it so much. Chandler: She's an FBI agent, posing as a beauty contestant. THE END Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer Directed by: Ben Weiss Transcribed by: Kreidy Joey: Okay, Ross, I realise that you didn't expect to walk in and see that, but.. Let me explain, okay? Rachel: We weren't doing anything! Joey: Rach, he just saw us. Rachel: Shhh. Joey: But what you saw, that is the extent of it, okay? One kiss. Rachel: No, come on, that is a lie. We also kissed in Barbados. Joey Okay, we also kissed in Barbados, but we didn't plan it, okay? And the only reason that that happened was because I saw you kissing Charlie. Rachel: Yeah, you started it! I've got to chill. Joey: Look, we probably should have talked to you about this before it ever happened, but.. Rachel: We feel so terrible about this, Ross. Joey: Yeah, but it did happen, so... Joey: Ross? Rachel: Ross? Can we just close the door? OPENING CREDITS Rachel: Ross, say something. Anything. Ross: So you two are..? Joey and Rachel: Yeah. Ross: And have you .. ed? Joey: No, no, no! Rachel: No, no, no! Ross: But if I hadn't walked in here, would you..? Joey: Probably. Joey: No, no! Rachel: Ross, this is not how we wanted you to find out about this. You have every right to go nuts. Ross: I'm not going nuts. Do you see me go nuts? Rachel: No, but you know what I mean. Ross: Hey, hey, hey... If you two are happy, then I'm happy for you. I'm fine! Joey: Really? Ross: Absolutely. But now that I've had time to absorb it; Lovin' this. Joey: Ross.. Ross: It's all working out! Me & Charlie, and you two. You know what we should do? Rachel: Calm ourselves? Ross: No. We should all have dinner. Yes, we'll do it tomorrow night. I'll cook!! Joey: Look, don't you think that will be a little weird? Ross: Weird? What? What's weird? The only thing weird would be if someone didn't like Mexican food, because I'm making fajitas!! Joey: I do like fajitas. Monica: God, this adoption stuff is so overwhelming. There's inter-country adoption, dependency adoption.. There are so many ways to go, and this is like the biggest decision of our lives. Chandler: There's a hair in my coffee. Phoebe: Hey guys! Monica: Hey. Phoebe: Hey, have you seen Frank Jr., 'cause he's meeting me here with the triplets. Chandler: You know, it's funny. Every time you say "triplets," I immediately think of three hot blonde 19-year olds. Monica: That's sweet. Drink your hair. Phoebe: Hey, what's all this stuff? Monica: Oh, they're brochures from different adoption agencies. Phoebe: Ooh, babies! Oh, this one is so cute, get this one! Monica: That's not really how it works. Phoebe: Oh, how does it work? Monica: I don't know! Phoebe: Well, if you're having a hard time, you should talk to my friends, Bill and Colleen. They adopted a kid. I'm sure they'd help you. Monica: Thanks, that would be great. Hey, honey, wouldn't that be great? Frank Jr.: Alright, alright, alright. Remember what we talked about. When we're in a public place, there are certain rules. Frank Jr.: That's not what we talked about!! Phoebe: Hey! Frank Jr.: Hey. Phoebe: Good to see you. Frank Jr.: Good to see you, too. Monica: Hi Frank. Frank Jr.: Hi, how you doin'? Monica: Oh, my goodness, they've all gotten so big! Monica: Which one is which again? Frank Jr.: Oh, that's Frank Jr. Jr. pulling the tampons out of the lady's purse. And that's Chandler climbing on Chandler, and that's Leslie throwing bagels at him. Monica : "Willing to adopt triplets?" No! Joey: Ah, can I just say I know we're doing this for Ross, and that's cool, but if it was up to me, this is not what we'd be doing on our first date. Rachel: Well, what would we be doing? Joey: I'd take you out for a romantic night. Some champagne, fancy dinner, feel you up on the carriage ride home... Rachel: Feel me up? Joey: In a carriage! Joey: Hey, Charlie! Rachel: Hey. Charlie: Hi, hi. So.. Dreading this? Rachel: Oh, you bet. Joey: So, did you bring a little something for Ross? Charlie: Actually.. It's stuff you left at my apartment. Joey: Oh. Oh, thanks. Charlie: And you know, you can just give me my stuff whenever you want. Joey: Yeah, I didn't throw any of that out.. Ross: I thought I heard voices! Hi Charlie! Come, please come in. Come in. Rachel: Okay, well, we brought you some wine. Ross: Oh! That is so thoughtful. Joey: Uh, actually, that's.. Ross: Underwear, a toothbrush, and Van Halen CD. I can use all these things!! Charlie: Gosh, Ross, you know, you seem a little... Ross: What? Fine? Because I am! Aren't you? Aren't you? Aren't you? You see? Who else is fine? Joey: Okay, listen, hey, Ross. Why don't you try to relax, okay? Maybe have a drink. Ross: You know what? That is a very good idea. I'm gonna go make a pitcher of Margaritas. Phoebe: Oh, god. So adorable. Look at them sleeping there like angels. Frank Jr.: Yeah, I really cherish these moments, 'cause before you know it, they're gonna be awake again. Phoebe: Well, they may be a handful, but they're so cute. Frank Jr.: Yeah. Phoebe: Oh, god, the last time I babysat them, they did the funniest thing.. Frank Jr.: I haven't slept in four years! Phoebe: That's a, that's a long time. Frank Jr.: You just don't know how hard it is, Phoebe. There's just so many of them. You know, two I can handle. Two's great. You just hold one in each hand, but what do I do when the third one runs at me with his bike helmet on. I've got no more hands to protect my area! There's three of them, Phoebe, three! Phoebe: Yeah, I know, Frank. I counted them when they were coming out of my area. Frank Jr.: Sometimes I think that.. Oh, no, no, no, I can't say it, it's too horrible. No. Phoebe: What? Frank Jr.: No, I can't. Phoebe: Oh my god, Frank, are you thinking of leaving? Because I didn't have those triplets so you could just run out on them! Frank Jr.: Oh, no! I would never do that. No. I just was thinking that, you know, maybe you could take one. Phoebe: What?! You can't separate them! That's terrible. Which one? Monica: Thank you so much for seeing us. Phoebe has told us such great things about you guys. Colleen: Oh, please, we're happy to help. Bill: We went through the same thing when we were adopting. Chandler: So, a lot of malfunctioning wee-wees and hoo-hoos in this room, huh? Chandler: I mean, you have a lovely home. Monica: Well, we appreciate anything you can tell us. Colleen: Well, actually, I think this might help. Colleen: It's pretty much all the information you need. Monica: Oh my god! Colleen: Everything is broken down into categories, and then cross-referenced, and then colour-coded to correspond with the forms in the back. Monica: Thank you. I think I just had a tiny orgasm. Bill: I know the process is frustrating, but it's so worth it. Adopting Owen was the best thing that ever happened to us. Chandler: That's great. Can I see the book? Chandler: You want me to wash my hands first, don't you? Monica: It's.. It's just so pretty and white. Colleen: The bathroom is down the hall, to your left. Colleen: I would have told him to do it too. Monica: Can I adopt you? Chandler: Hey, you must be Owen. Owen: Yeah. Chandler: I'm Chandler. Hey, I was in the scouts too. Owen: You were? Chandler: Yeah, in fact my father was a den-mother. Owen: Huh? Chandler: You know how to use a compass? Owen: I have a badge in it. Chandler: You do? That's fantastic! Owen: You wanna see it? Chandler: I'd love to, but I gotta get back to talking to your parents. They're telling us all about how they adopted you. Owen: What?!? Chandler: What? Owen: I'm adopted? Chandler: I got nothing. Ross: The first batch of margaritas was not so great, but the second batch is gooooood. Rachel: Well, maybe the next batch, we could all get some. Ross: Oh, guys, this is fun, isn't it? You know? Just the four of us. Just hangin'. Joey: Dude, are you okay? And when are the fajitas gonna be ready? Ross: I'm fine! Hey, I'm great! I'm just.. I'm just proud of us. There's no weirdness, no tension. Rachel: No awareness. Ross: We make a great foursome. We should do more stuff together. Ooh! Let's take a trip. Okay, where do you think we - we can go? Ross: My fajitas!! Rachel: Look, Charlie, I just want you to know. Ross is just having a little trouble adjusting to the thought of Joey and me. You know, he normally doesn't drink like this. Charlie: Oh, you know what? This is nothing. My father is a raging alcoholic. Charlie: Oh, I'm sorry, have I made this evening uncomfortable? Ross: Fajitas! Be careful, very hot plate, very hot plate!! Rachel: Ross, you don't even have oven mitts on! Ross: That is gonna hurt tomorrow! Phoebe: Okay, well, this is crazy. Can't seriously be talking about me taking one of your kids, can we? Frank Jr.: No, of course we're not. Phoebe: Insane. Frank Jr.: I know. Phoebe: Alice would never go for it, right? Frank Jr.: Oh, I don't know, she's pretty tired, too, I think we've got her onboard. Phoebe: Well, just you know, for argument's sake, you know, hypothetically. Which one would you be willing to give up? Frank Jr.: Huh. Phoebe: Frank Jr.Jr.? Frank Jr.: Oh, you'd be getting a really good one. I mean, you know, he's really funny. Like, the other day he made up this joke. Phoebe: Uh-huh. Frank Jr.: What's green and says "hey, I'm a frog"? A talking frog! Oh, no, you can't have him, he's too funny. Phoebe: Well, alright, that's fine. What about Leslie? Frank Jr.: Oh, no, no. Not Leslie. No, she's, she's the only one that knows how to burp the alphabet. Phoebe: Alright, so that leaves Chandler. Frank Jr.: Oh, no, no, you can't have Chandler, no. No, no. She's my little genius. I got big hopes for her. She's gonna be a doctor or a realtor.. Phoebe: Wow, Frank. I think we just ran out of kids. Frank Jr.: Oh, I think you're right. Oh, wow. Phoebe, I don't think I can give one of them up. I mean, you know, they drive me crazy, but they're my babies. Phoebe: I'm sorry, Frank. I didn't realise things were so bad. You know, I'll help out more. I can - I can babysit any time you want. You name the day, and I'll be there. Frank Jr.: How about tomorrow? Phoebe: Well, that's not good. But you know, I can move some stuff around, and I'll be there. You and Alice just take the whole day together. Frank Jr.: You'd do that for us? Phoebe: Are you kidding? That's what sisters are for. Frank Jr. Oh crap, don't wake up, don't wake up! Chandler: Where are Bill and Colleen? Monica: They're in the kitchen getting something to eat. Can you believe how nice they are? Chandler: We have to leave!! Monica: Why? What did you do in the bathroom? Chandler: I didn't get to the bathroom. I bumped into Owen on the way, and he didn't know he was adopted. And there's a slight chance I may have told him. Monica: Oh my god, where's my purse? No, you know what? I can replace everything in there. Get that binder, and let's go! Colleen: Hey. Bill: Some little snacks for everybody. Oh, you don't have to eat the sour worms. Those are for Owen. Colleen: I'll go get him in a second. By the way, you should know we haven't told him he's adopted yet. Chandler: But kids are so intuitive. Don't you think on some level he already knows? Owen: I'm adopted?! Chandler: See? Intuitive! Bill: What? Where did you hear that? Owen: He told me! And he paid me 50 dollars not to tell. Chandler: Which technically now you should give back! Colleen: You told him he's adopted? Chandler: I'm so sorry, but you should have a sign out there or something. Or at least whisper it to people when they come in the door. "Owen doesn't know he's adopted, and he also thinks that Santa is real." Owen: He isn't?! Chandler : We have to get out of here, baby! Ross: Everyone? I would like to make a toast to Rachel and Joey. Rachel: Ooy. Ross: And to love. Ah, love. L-O-V-E, love. L is for life. And what is life without love? Rachel: Oh my god, are we supposed to answer? Ross: O is for "oh, wow!" The V is for this very surprising turn of events, which I'm still fine with by the way. E is for how extremely normal I find it. That you two are together. And now one day you might get married and have children of your own. Joey: Dude, are you okay? Ross: Totally. Rachel: Ross, you don't seem okay. Ross : I'm sorry, it must be the pressure of entertaining. I think everyone would feel better if we had some flan. Charlie: Wait, Ross. Ross. I - I have to take off. Ross: No! Charlie: I'm sorry, I have a really early class in the morning, but this has been lovely. Ross: Wasn't it? And you thought it would be awkward with Joey and that you never really liked Rachel. Charlie: You're on fire! I'll call you in the morning, okay? Ross: Okay. Charlie: Alright. Charlie: God, Rachel, what Ross just said that is just so.. Rachel: Oh, that's okay, girls tend not to like me. Charlie: Bye. Ross: Okay, I guess it's just flan for three! Hey, hey, that rhymed! Rachel: You know what, Ross? I think we're gonna take off too. Ross: Oh, oh. Of course. God, I'm so stupid. You guys are a couple now. I mean, you probably just want to be alone. Rachel: No, no, it's just that it's getting late... Ross: Hey, hey, it's fine. It's totally fine. We've got plenty of margaritas. It's all good. Ross: I don't even know what that's for. Joey: You know what? I think I'm gonna stay here and make sure he's okay. Rachel: Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Joey: Yeah. I'll see you in the morning. Rachel: Uh-huh. Okay. You know what, Joey, I don't think he's ever gonna be okay with this. Joey: It doesn't look good, does it? Joey: Morning. Here you go. Ross: Thanks. Did you stay here all night? Joey: Yeah. Ross: So you took off my pants and shoes? Joey: No, no, no. You actually did that when you were dancing to the Chicago-soundtrack. Look, Ross, about, about Rachel and I. Listen, you don't have to worry about that, okay? Because nothing is gonna happen. Ross: What do you mean? Joey: Well, she and I said from the beginning that we weren't gonna do anything unless you were okay with it. And clearly.. Ross: Hey, what are you talking about? I'm fine! Joey: It's okay, Ross, alright? I totally understand. Of course you're not fine. You're.. You're Ross and Rachel. Ross: Except we're not. I mean, we haven't been a couple in like, six years. Oh my god, is that right? Has it been that long? Joey: That's what I hear, yeah. Ross: This is crazy. I mean, six years? And because of me you guys aren't gonna be together? Can I ask you something? Really, what is this thing with you and Rachel? Joey: Come on, I mean, you know me, you know... Ross: Joey. Joey: I'm crazy about her. Ross: And she feels the same way? Joey: I think so. Ross: Well, then, maybe it's time we all moved on. Joey: Yeah, but, Ross, I mean, you're not okay with it. Ross: No, but I wanna be. Hey, I will be. Besides, I'm with Charlie, right? Oh my god, I'm still with Charlie, aren't I? I mean, she didn't see the dance, did she? Joey: No, no, no, no, that was - that was just for me. Are you sure about this? Ross: Yeah, I'm sure. Joey: And we're okay? ENDING CREDITS Monica: Hey, Phoebs Phoebe: Hey. Monica: Uhm, we just wanna give you a heads-up. Bill and Colleen hate us. Chandler: Owen didn't know he was adopted, and Monica told him. Monica: What? Phoebe: Still, he had to find out sometime. Chandler: Yeah, but how would you like it if someone told the triplets that you gave birth to them? Chandler: I'm gonna go tell Emma she was an accident. THE END Written by: Brian Buckner Produced by: Robert Carlock and Wendy Knoller Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa Chandler: So, you and Rachel tonight, huh? Joey: Yeah. It's actually our first official date Chandler: Wow! So tonight may be the night! You're nervous? Joey: Naa, no. This is the part I'm actually good at. Chandler: What must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing. Joey: It's OK! Chandler: How can you be so confident? Joey: Well, I... I know exactly what I'm gonna do! Chandler: Really? Like you have a routine? Joey: No, no no no no. See. Each woman is different.You have to appreciate their uniqueness. Chandler: Really? Joey: No, I do six things! First, I look deep in her eyes. Then, I kiss her. Next I take my hand and I softly graze her thigh. Chandler: You mean like this? Joey: NO! Not like that, no no. No, like this. Chandler: Oh, I see what you mean, that's quite nice. Joey: More foosball? Chandler: ...and beer!! OPENING CREDITS Monica: Hey! Ross and Chandler: Hey! Monica: Ross: WOW! Chandler: Hey! Stop staring at my wife's legs! No no! Stop staring at your sister's legs! Ross: I'm sorry, it's just... how did you get so tan? Chandler: She went on one of those spray-on tan places. Ross: Eh, you got a spray-on tan? Monica: Chandler gets pedicures! Ross: Why, why you do, like with the-the toe separators? Chandler: Why...why? Ross: Still, I can't believe that's sprayed on... I mean, it looks really good. I wonder if I should get one! Chandler: Sure, then you should get a mini skirt so you can really show it off. Ross: So, do you get colours or just French tips? Monica: There. Here's their card. Ross: Thanks. Phoebe: Hey! Chandler: Hey Pheebs! Monica: Hey Phoebe! Phoebe: Oh, you won't believe who moved back to town. Monica: I know, Amanda! Ah! She called me too! She's the worst! Chandler: Who's Amanda? Monica: She's this girl who used to live in the building before you did. Then she moved to England and she picked up this fake British accent. On the machine this is her message. "Monica, darling! It's Amanda calling!" Chandler: Are you trying to do a British accent? Monica: Chandler gets pedicures! Chandler: Just so I know, how many more of those can I expect? Phoebe: You know what Amanda said to me when she got me on the phone? "Oh, so sorry to catch you on your Mo-Bile!" If-if you don't wanna get me on my mo-Bile, don't call me on my mo-Bile!" Monica: I know, and she's always bragging about all the famous people she's met. Phoebe: Oh, I know! "Oh...I slept with Billy Joel". All right, who hasn't? Monica: Oh, what are we gonna do! I don't wanna see her!! Phoebe: Ugh, Let's just cut her out! Monica: What? Phoebe: Cut her out of our lives! Just ignore her calls and dodge her 'till she gets the point! Monica: Oh, I guess we could try that, but... it seems so harsh! Have you ever done that? Chandler: No, had it done to me though. Feels good ! Ross: Well... I like how you look, what are you? Assistant: Puerto Rican. Ross: Two, I think a two. Assistant: You've got to face the red light. When the red light goes on the spraying is about to start so close your eyes. When the spraying stops, count to five. Pat yourself down to avoid drip marks then turn around so we can get your back. Got it? Ross: Spray, count, pat, then turn, spray, count and pat. Assistant: Wow, you catch on quick. Ross: Well, I have a PhD, so... Ross: One Mississipi, two Mississipi, Three Mis... Ross: You sprayed my front twice! Assistant: You've never turned? Ross: No, I barely even got to three Mississippi. Assistant: Mississippi? I said count to five'! Ross: Mississippilesly? Well, how bad is it? Assistant: Ain't that bad yet, but it keeps getting darker for the next four hours. Ross: So, how dark is it gonna get? Assistant: You got sprayed with two two' s and... Ross: I'm a four? Assistant: Yeah, but you're back's a zero. You're gonna wanna even that out. Ross: Really! Assistant: You might wanna get back in there. Ross: Ok! Ross: Wait, wait a minute, there's no light on the back wall! How do I know when it's gonna start? Hello? The same thing happened again! Assistant: You got two more twos? Ross: I'm an eight! Joey: I thought you paid. Ha, guess we won’t be going back there! Rachel: So. Joey: Yeah. Joey: Hey what do you say, we move this onto the likes of the couch? Rachel: I say ‘cheesy line’, but ok. Joey: What’s the matter? Rachel: I am sorry, I don’t know, I am sorry, I don’t know why I did that! Joey and Rachel: Okay Rachel: Ok, so sorry. Rachel: I am sorry! Again... I don't know, I don’t know what happened, I must be nervous! Joey: I don’t get it, Chandler loved it! Rachel: Ok, ok, ok. I promise, I promise, I promise, I won’t do it again. I really do. I promise. This is gonna be great. Joey: Ok. Joey: Uh, was that good for you? Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Could be Rachel asking if someone could baby-sit again. Monica: It could be Amanda! Phoebe: Oh, you’re right! I was just kidding about Rachel. Babysitting is a gas! Amanda: Hello Monica. It’s Amanda calling again. I am in the neighborhood hoping I can pop by your flat! Monica: You're from Yonkers! Your last name is Buffo-Martisis! Amanda: Let’s see.. to assure you get this directly, ring me back on my mobile. Phoebe: Ok, don’t hold thy breath! Chandler: Hello? Is someone on the line? Amanda: Yes, I was looking for Monica. Chandler: Hang on, she’s right here. Someone's on the phone, for ya. Monica: We weren’t picking up, it’s Amanda! Chandler: I get pedicures! Monica: Hi Amanda! Actually now... it’s... is not a good time. Dinner tomorrow night? Ok, Phoebe and I will see you then! Phoebe: Why, why, why didn’t you just say no! Monica: Well, I said 'no' to her coming over now! I couldn’t say 'no' twice! I get this uncontrollable need to please people! Phoebe: Fine, fine! You would not hold up well under torture! Monica: And you would? Phoebe: I did! Rachel: Absolutely! Absolutely. I d... it’s just a little weird, it’s you, and it’s me, it's just gonna take some getting used to. Joey: Ok. Well, how, how can we make it easier? Rachel: Ok, let’s work from the top down! Just work the bra, Joe! Joey: Ok, yeah, got it. Rachel and Joey: Okay. Joey: This thing welded shut?! Rachel: Okay. Joey: All right, turn around, I got to get a look at this thing. Rachel: Oh! Rachel: Ow! Joey: Sorry! Rachel: Well this is romantic! Joey: I'm sorry! This never happened to me before! I'm an expert at taking off bras! I can do it with one hand! I can do it with my eyes closed! One time I just looked at one, and it popped open! I blame your bra! Rachel: It’s a standard issue bra clasp! Joey: Then I blame you! Yeah! That's right! You threw me off with all your slapping! Rachel: Ok well, well I'm really, I'm sorry about that Joey, but do you think that maybe on some level, you don't want to take off my bra? Joey: NAH! I don't have another level!! Chandler: Hold on! There is something different. Ross: I went to that tanning place your wife suggested. Chandler: Was that place... The Sun? Ross: Oh! And it gets worse! Chandler: Oh My God! You can do a duet of Ebony and Ivory all by yourself! Monica: How could you mess this up? It's so easy? You go into the booth, you count to five and you turn around!! Ross: How do you count to five? Monica: One Two Three... Ross: Rachel: oooh! Oh oh! Ross: I Know! Rachel: oh oh! What is up with Miss Hawaiian Tropic? Chandler: How was your date with Joey? Rachel: Well, it was good.. until we got back to our apartment, and then we were fooling around and he started to put his hand up my leg and I kept slapping it away! Chandler: You didn't like that? Rachel: Well, it wasn't just me, alright? He freaked out too! He couldn't even undo my bra! Monica: Wow, really? One time he just looked at my bra and it popped open. Rachel: I do not know what's wrong with us, I mean, we have kissed before and that's been great! But this time it was leading somewhere and I was very aware of the fact that it was Joey touching me. Monica: Well, you guys have been friends forever. Remember the first time that you kissed Ross? How weird that was? You couldn't stop laughing? You got through that. Rachel: Ok, that's true. That's true, we can do this. You're right, you're right, we can do this. We're just gonna power through! Joey: Hey Chandler can I talk to you for a second . Rachel: . Monica: Chandler, stop! It is not going to pop open! Chandler: Monica: Hey Phoebe! Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Is Amanda here yet? Phoebe: No. Monica: Oh good. Good, look I'm so sorry, for screwing up that cutting-her-out plan. But I have a new plan. Chandler agreed to call here in a few minutes with an emergency. Phoebe: Oh! Well, what kind of emergency that gets us both out of here? Monica: Well, what do you think of Mike and Chandler being in a car accident? Phoebe: Are you kidding, I love it! Phoebe: Hi! Monica: Hi! Amanda: Hi! Amanda: Hello! Amanda: Oh gosh, so Monica, you're married! Monica: Yeah! Yeah! His name is Chandler and... Amanda: It's not perfume! It's me! It's my natural scent! Phoebe: Musty! Amanda: Oh! Gosh! This is brilliant. Gosh, it's just like old times. I'm so happy you two are friends again! Monica: When were we not friends? Amanda: Well, it was 1992, and I remember because that was the year I had sex with Evil Knievel . Monica: Ehm, we were friends in 1992. Amanda: calls and trying to avoid seeing her. Monica: You were going to cut me out? Phoebe: Well...kinda. Monica: Oh My God! Amanda: Oh! Bugger. Should I not have said that? I feel like a perfect arse! Phoebe: Yeah well, in America you're just an "ass". Monica: Phoebe: Oh my God. Was Mike with him? Monica: Nope! Joey: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Got champagne? Joey: Yes ma'am, ready to Power through! Rachel: Excellent! Stick it in the ice bucket, the phone is off the hook, and in the interest of powering through ... Joey: Uh! Rachel: Ok Alright! Lets do it! Joey: Ok, you're scaring me a little bit. Rachel: Oh! Get over it soldier, we've gotta do this! Ok. Aha! You like that huh? Joey: Oh! yeah! Rachel: You like that? Joey: uh uh! Rachel: Yeah baby, I'll show you how we do it! Joey: No, no, no! You kneed me in my misters! Rachel: What? Oh my God! I'm so sorry. Joey? Are you ok? Joey: Soldier down! Monica: We are not friends with Phoebe anymore. Chandler: If she asks, I protested a little, but ok! Phoebe: Oh Chandler! Thank God you're alive. Monica, can I talk to you outside for a minute? Monica: I have nothing to say to you. Amanda: Wow, my flat is twice this size! Phoebe: Please, Monica? In the hall? Amanda: Ooh, that accident must have been terrible. You look positively ghastly. Chandler: Well, aren't you a treat. Monica: I can't believe you tried to cut me out. Why Phoebe, why? Phoebe: It was right after we were living together and you were driving me crazy, okay? You were really controlling and compulsive and shrill. Monica: I'm still all those things! Phoebe: You're also so generous and kind and scrappy! Monica: I am scrappy. Phoebe: Exactly! Look, no matter what I tried to do, I couldn't keep you out of my life. Of all the people I have cut out, you were the only one who ever clawed her way back in. Monica: It's because I'm scrappy. Phoebe: Yeah, you are. And I'm so glad that you fought your way back in, because I don't know what I would do without you. Monica: I won't know what I would do without you. Monica: Well, I guess we should go back in. When you gave me another chance, I guess we should do the same for Amanda. Phoebe: Yeah, I guess you're right. Amanda: Can you believe it. I've never had any professional dance training. Glenda: Now, let me explain how this works. You go into the booth, and... Ross: I'm gonna stop you right there, Glenda. Okay? Does it look like this is my first time, huh? Now I want 4 two's... and I want them all on my back. Glenda: Okay... Ross: Wait a minute, there's two sets of nozzles, which one is it? Ross: Which... which... which... Which one is it? Ross: OH! SON OF A BITCH! Rachel: What is the matter with us? Joey: Well, I know what's the matter with me. Rachel: No, I mean with us, you know. I mean, is it supposed to be this... difficult? Joey: I don't know. Chandler: That fake British woman is a real bitch, but she sure can dance... Hey! Rachel: Hi! Hey, listen, can we ask you a question? When you and Monica first hooked up, was it weird going from friends to... more than that? Chandler: Kinda... you know, sneaking around, having to hide from you guys... Rachel: No, no, no... No, I mean... se-x-u-ally... Joey: Yeah, was there a part of you that... felt like it was... really wrong? Chandler: Actually, no. No, it felt right. You know, it felt like uhm... I can't believe we haven't been doing this the whole time. Chandler: I can tell from your expressions that that's the good news you were hoping for... Well, I'm gonna go continue to... spread the joy. Rachel: Well, just because it happened that way for them doesn't mean it has to happen that way for us. Joey: Yeah, yeah... Absolutely. I mean, just because something's difficult doesn't mean that you quit. Rachel: Right, totally. Joey: Yeah, so we just keep trying and trying until we... do it. Rachel: Yeah, and if doesn't work, then we'll be just one of those couples that never have sex. Joey: That's a... pla-an. Joey: Wow... I did not see this coming. Rachel: I know. Joey: I don't get it. I mean, I was so sure this was what I wanted. Rachel: Hmmm... Me too... Rachel: I wonder how Monica and Chandler could do it? Joey: I guess they weren't as good friends as we are. Rachel: Aah... I bet you're right. Joey: So... Rachel: Yeah. Joey: I love ya. Rachel: Love you too... Alright, I'm going to bed. Joey: Yeah, me too. Joey: Ooh, yeah, I'm not going anywhere for a while. Chandler: Dude, it's Chandler. Let me in. Ross: Go away! I don't want to see anybody. Chandler: I know, I went to the tanning place and the same thing happened to me. You have to let me in. Ross: Really? Did you count Mississipily? Ross: Dude, you're not tanned. Chandler: No, I just had to get a picture of this. Chandler: I see you later! end Written by: Dana Klein Produced by: Robert Carlock and Wendy Knoller Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa Monica: Hey guys! Ross, Rachel and Chandler: Hey! Chandler: Honey, I got us that room at the Woodford Inn this weekend. Monica: That place in Vermont? You can take a hint! Rachel: Wait, you can't go away this weekend! It's Emma's birthday! Ross: Yeah! Rachel: We're having a party. Monica: Well, can't you just have the party when we get back? Ross: No. Rachel: No, that day... that won't be her real birthday! Chandler: Gee if only she were one and had no idea what the hell a birthday was! Ross: C'mon you guys, this is really important to us. Monica: Well, I'm sorry, but Chandler and I could really use a weekend away. You know, to reconnect... emotionally. Chandler: There's this thing I really want us to do. I read about it in Maxim... Rachel: Well, can't you just go to Vermont the next day? Ross: Yeah, we want everyone to be there. As much as I hate to delay your doing weird sex stuff to my little sister. Rachel: And I mean, you know, you guys... This is a big deal. I mean, how can we have her first birthday party without her aunt and her uncle! Monica: All right, we'll stay. We can just drive up after the party. Chandler: Fine, but if we end up not doing this Maxim thing because of this party... Monica: Believe me, that is not why we won't be doing that! OPENING CREDITS Rachel: You know Pheebs, when I was little, on my birthday, my daddy would hide a present in every room of the house, and then he would draw a treasure map to help me find 'em all. Phoebe: Oooh, I love family traditions like that. When uhm... when Ursula and I were kids, on our birthday, our stepdad would sell his blood to buy us food! Ross: Hey guys! Rachel and Phoebe: Hi! Ross: Hey, I brought the camera for Emma's video. Rachel: Oh, good, good! We had this idea to make a birthday video for Emma and we'll give it to her when she is 18. Phoebe: Oh, COOL!! Wow, it's like a time capsule! Ross: Yeah! Phoebe: Oh, just think... she's gonna be watching that video on a TV that hasn't even been invented yet! With friends who right now are just like babies! And they'll be living in a floating city that the humans built to escape the ant people! Ross: That's the hope! So, is Emma awake yet? Rachel: Oh no, it's still nap time. But she'll be up soon. Ross: Ah, and where is Joey? Rachel: I said it's still nap time. Ross: Hey, there is uncle Joey! Joey: Hey! Ross: Hey, say something to Emma on her 18th birthday! Joey: 18, uh? Ross: Joey, NO! Joey: What, what!? it's for her hot friends! Ross: When they see this you'll be 52! Joey: And starting to think about settling down! Rachel: Hey Joey, will you please set this up for people to put Emma's presents on? Joey: I'd love to! Yeah! Joey: We were supposed to bring presents? Phoebe: Yeah! I wrote Emma a song. Joey: Oh, yeah! How was I supposed to know? Phoebe: Joey, it's a birthday party. Joey: Yeah, but for a one-year-old. What's the point... the other day she laughed for like an hour at a cup. Just a cup with a picture of Elmo on it dressed as a farmer. And he's standing next to this cow and the cow says "El-moo"! Yeah... that's a funny cup! Monica: Hey! Chandler: Hey hey! Where's the birthday girl? Rachel: Oh, she's still napping Chandler: Oh, sure, she was probably up all night, excited about the party she knows is happening. Rachel: Look, I know that you guys really want to get to Vermont and this isn't a really big deal to you, but it really is to us, ok? Emma will never have a first birthday again. Monica: All right... you're right. We're sorry. Now let's wake up Emma and get the fun time started! Rachel: No really, she didn't sleep well last night, so we can't wake her up. Monica: Are you freaking kidding me, Green? Jack and Judy: HI! Ross: Hey! Monica: So glad you came! Jack: I can't believe Emma is already one! Judy: There's something you didn't know about your dad! Joey: Hey Mr. and Mrs. Geller! Let me help you with that. Jack: Thank you! Joey: Oh man, this is great, uh? The three of us together again! You know what would be fun? If we gave this present to Emma from all of us! Jack: Which one are you? Monica: I can't believe Emma is still asleep! Chandler: I know, what are we gonna do? Monica: I've got a plan. I've got a plan. I'm going to ram this platter really hard into your ribs. You're gonna scream out and that'll wake her up! Chandler: I'm not going to Vermont with this Monica! Joey: Hey Pheebs, you know what? I was thinking... since you wrote a song, maybe I could do something for Emma using my talents! Phoebe: So you’re gonna... hit on her? Joey: No, no, no! My talents as an actor! Phoebe: Oh! Joey: You know, I could like maybe... I could do a dramatic reading of one of her books! Phoebe: Or you could stick a fork in an apple! Joey: Hey, I think Emma might like it! Rachel: Oh! Emma might like what? Joey: Um, my present! Rachel: What did you get her? Joey: Actually we prepared performances. Phoebe: Separate performances. Joey: But equally real! Rachel: Well, this sounds like fun! Well, you know what? Actually? People are getting a little antsy waiting Emma to wake up from her nap, so would you mind performing them once now? Phoebe: Sure, yeah! Joey: O K. Rachel: All right, let’s get this party started, huh? Joey and Phoebe are gonna perform a little something for us. Ross: Oh, great! Phoebe: Are you gonna be embarrassed going up there having nothing prepared? Joey: Hey, I do it every week with three cameras pointed at me and a whole crew waiting! Rachel: So, Joey, what are you gonna do for us? Joey: I will be doing a dramatic reading of one of Emma’s books. Rachel: Oh, ok, which one? Joey: Uh, why, it’s a... . And while he rocked her, he sang “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you’ll be”. Rachel: Wow! That was amazing! Ross: Thank you so much for that gift! Chandler : I was not ready for this today! Ross: Amazing... amazing. Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, I’m sorry! Phoebe has prepared something as well. Phoebe: That’s right, I've prepared a song for Emma. From my heart to hers. For there’s no greater gift, than the gift of music. Emma! Your name poses a dilemma. 'Cause not much else rhymes with Emma! Maybe the actor Richard Crenna, he played the commanding officer in Rambo. Happy birthday Emma! Rachel: Is that it? Phoebe: No, of course not! I also, you know, prepared a reading Finding your G-spot. Everybody: No, no, no, no, no! Judy: Hello Emma. Happy eighteenth birthday. Jack: Right now that seems so far away, seventeen years. Judy: Yes, you’ll be all grown up by then. We’ll be... Well your grandfather and I might not be here. Jack: That’s true! This message could becoming to you from beyond the grave, Emma! Judy: After all, my parents died very young. Jack: And my cholesterol’s off the charts! Judy: Remember, Emma, heart disease kills women too! Ross : Ok, cut! Great. That was... that was just... yeah! Rachel: Ross, um, don’t forget to get a shot of Emma’s cake. It’s in a box in the fridge. Ross: Sure. Rachel: Oh, you're gonna love this cake. I got it from a bakery in New Jersey, Corino’s. Monica: Oh my God, that place has the creamiest frosting! I use to hitchhike there when I was a kid. Rachel: Well, anyway, they make these great novelty cakes, in all different shapes, and if you give them a photo, they’ll copy it in icing! Monica: Oh, did you do a picture of Emma? Rachel: Yes! On a cake shaped like a bunny. Ross: Uh, Rach? Does this bakery by any chance also bake erotic cakes? Say for bachelorette parties? Rachel: Ross, what are you talking about? oh! Oh my God! They put my baby’s face on a penis! Phoebe : oh! Now it’s a party! Rachel: Why you guys this isn't funny, all right? If I wanted this cake to be a disaster I would have baked it myself! Joey : Uh.. is it ok that I still think it looks delicious? Judy: Jack, look at this. Jack: I know what you're thinking Judy, the resemblance is uncanny! Ross: I am this close to tugging on my testicles again. Rachel : No, no, this is not what I ordered. Ok? I went all the way to New Jersey so that I could have the perfect cake for my daughter’s birthday and I need a bunny cake, right now! Ross: Ask them if it would be faster if we cut the baby’s face off the penis, so we can put it on the bunny. . That is a weird sentence! Rachel: Oh! Believe you me! I am going to bring this cake back, I don't even want it in my home... Joey, don't touch it!! Joey: I'm so confused! Rachel: Yes, yes. I still want my daughters picture, but on a bunny cake. Yellow cake, chocolate frosting with nuts! Chandler: To be fair this one does have nuts. Ross: Hey Mon, that was really nice of you to loan Rachel your car so she could go and get the cake. Monica: Oh. So nice of her to pull my hair, 'till I dropped the key! Ross: Well, you know what? While we're waiting, you guys could tape your message to Emma for her 18th birthday, huh? Ok! Chandler: Hi Emma! It's the year 2020. Are you still enjoying your nap? Monica: We're Aunt Monica and uncle Chandler, by the way. You may not recognize us, because we haven't spoken to your parents in seventeen years! Chandler: We used to be married, but then we missed a weekend away together and things kind of unraveled. Because of you! Happy Birthday. Monica: Ross, Rachel promised it would be over by now. We seriously have to go, if we want to get to Vermont. I called them and the last train leaves in a half hour. Phoebe: And you know, I have a massage client soon. Ross: You guys, just please.. a little bit longer. I promise, Rachel will be back with the cake any minute. Monica, remember.. the frosting? huh? Monica: Alright, 5 more minutes. Ross: Chandler: Was that Emma? Is she up? Ross: No, Rachel got pulled over for speeding. She forgot her licence so now I have to bring it to her. Phoebe: Well, if you're leaving, I'm definitely gonna go. Monica: No! Wait! If anybody gets to go.. it's us We've been complaining the longest! Ross: No, wait ! You guys, no, no, you can't leave! Rachel already feels bad that the cake's messed up. How do you think she's gonna feel when she comes back here and all you guys are gone? Chandler: I don't know! You'll tell us on Monday! Ross: Joey! You're in charge, ok? You make sure nobody leaves! Joey: Got it! Where do you think you're going? Chandler: To the bathroom! Joey: Alright, well the rest of you get comfortable, ok, because we're gonna be here for a li... Wait a minute, there is a window in there! Phoebe: Oh no! He's not getting away that easy! Chandler: Joey: Well, that one did not have Emma's face on it. Phoebe: No, it did not. Joey: No. Judy: Well, we better get going, it's late. Jack's not allowed to drive at night anymore. He has trouble staying in his lane. Jack: Last winter I went up on a church lawn and drove right through a manger scene. The papers thought it was a hate crime. Judy: Anyway, it was lovely seeing you. Joey: Ok! Judy: Bye... Bye dear. Joey: Nighty-night! Judy: Nighty-night! Joey: Bye, bye. Phoebe: Joey? How could you just let them leave? Joey: Hey, hey, hey, hey! I'm not gonna mess with Jack, he's a great man, he fought for our country. Monica: No, he didn't! He pretended to be a Quaker to get out of Korea. Joey: Chandler: You do know, I can just turn them the other way around, right? Joey: Oh! I forgot you used to live here! Joey: Hello? Estelle: Joey! It's Estelle! Joey: Hey! Estelle: So, how did your audition go today? Joey: What audition? Estelle: The one I told you about last week? Joey: What? You never said anything about an audition! Estelle: Let me start over. I just got a call about an audition. I think you can still make it. It's down at the Astor Theatre and you need to have a monologue prepared. Joey: A monologue? I don't have.. Aah! so... I'm gonna take off! Phoebe: Wh.. what? No wait, you don't get to leave! I've got a massage client waiting outside my door any minute! Monica: Yeah, and we've paid for a room, that we're supposed to be in right now! Phoebe: Well, oh, ok now... Only one of us has to stay with Emma. Ok, and as the person who realized that, I get to go! Monica: No! no! Let's figure out a fair way to decide who's staying. Joey: Oh! I got it! Ok, everyone pick a number from one to ten. Alright? Whoever gets the highest number gets to go first. Monica: Ok, ten. Joey: Okay, Monica picks ten, I call nine! Anyone else? Phoebe: No, lets just draw straws. Joey: Or.. we could flip a coin, and then multiply the.. Chandler: I'm begging you stop. Joey: Right. Monica: Ok, how about this: We got wind up toys for Emma for her birthday. We can make them race, and whoever comes in last, stays! Phoebe: Yeah!! Let's do that! Chandler: That sounds more fun than the thing we were going to do in Vermont! Monica: Everybody get your toys! Phoebe: Ok! I want the dolphin! Chandler: Thats a bear. Phoebe: I'm too excited! Monica: Phoebe, you get the bear, uhm, Joey, you get the robot, and Chandler and I get the dog. Ok, and the race is going to go from here to here. Now the one who comes in last, stays! Joey: Ok, ladies and gentlemen, wind your toys! Chandler: Ok, on your mark... Get set... GO!!! Phoebe: Go! Go! Joey: Come on robot! Monica: What are you barking at? Monica: Wha... How the hell is that gonna help? Chandler: I bought you. How did I forget that that's all you do? Joey: Way to go robot! Phoebe: Good job Alan! Joey: Hey, good race you guys. Phoebe: Yeah, see you later! Monica: No! No, no... wait! We didn't lose. The rules clearly stated that the last one to cross the finish line was the loser. Well, our dog never crossed the finish line, so technically... Chandler: They left. Rachel: Bye... Ross: RACHEL! Rachel: OOH! God! Sorry! Ross: I can't believe they gave you a ticket. You're such a good driver. Rachel: Emma's awake. Ross: Yeah? Rachel: I can't believe this. This is her first birthday. She's awake. We're not even there. Everybody left. We still have this stupid obscene cake. Ross: Hey, maybe I can fix that, you know. Try to turn it into something else. Rachel: Oh, why do you even bother? I already ruined her first birthday... And do you know how important these early experiences are Ross? Very! According to the back cover of that book that you gave me. Ross: Rach, she's not going to remember this. Rachel: They have to learn! Ross: Hey! Rachel: What? Ross: It's not bad. Rachel: Oh my God! Look what... you made it into a bunny. How did you do that? Ross: Well, I just made these two things uhm... cheeks. And then I split this to make ears. Rachel: Well, I'm very impressed. Ross: Some can sing, some can dance. I apparently can turn phallic cakes into woodland creatures. Monica: Now another way to organise your stuffed animals, is by size. Chandler: I'm sorry, is this a game for Emma or for Monica? Monica: Game? Chandler: Emma, you even know it's your birthday today? You're one! One-year-old, that's little. Chandler: Ooh! That's my girl! Monica: That's how old you are. Chandler: Did I teach her that? Did I just... impart wisdom? Monica: Ooh, I want one... Chandler: Me too... Chandler: There's no-one around. Why don't we just take this one? Monica: ...and head to Canada! Chandler: I was kidding. Monica: I wasn't. Let's get going! Phoebe: Hey, are Ross and Rachel back? Chandler: No, not yet. Phoebe: Oh good, I didn't miss the party. Monica: What about your massage client? Phoebe: I just felt so bad, missing this. So I just slipped him a little something, you know. As long as I'm back in five or six hours, it will be alright. Joey: Okay, if Ross and Rachel ask, I've been here the whole time. THE WHOLE TIME! Joey: I've been here the whole time! Ross: Joey, we just saw you come in. You ran past us on the stairs. Rachel: I don't care that you left. I'm just glad that you're here. Thanks you guys! Chandler: Hey, guys! Come on! You gotta see what Emma just did. Rachel: What? Chandler: Emma, how old are you? How old are you today? Emma: Wo-ish. Rachel: Oh! Emma, that's right! You're that many! Ross: Oh my God! Our daughter's a genius! Rach, this means... Rachel: NO, no science camp! Ross: Damnit! I'll put a candle on the cake. Rachel: Oh!... Oh and Emma, look at your stuffed animals lined up so neatly! Monica: Thanks! Ross: Okay, here we go! Emma's first birthday cake... Well hey... well, blow out the candle. Come on Emma. Chandler: Let's do it, come on! Ross: What's wrong? Are you okay? Rachel: Oh yeah, nothing! These are happy tears! This is just what I wanted. Phoebe: Hey, you made it into a bunny. Joey: What is wrong with me. It looked more delicious when it was a penis. ENDING CREDITS Rachel: Okay. Ross: Okay, you ready? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: A-a-and... record. Rachel: Okay. Hi Emma. Well, your first birthday is over, and it was really... Phoebe: Go, go, go Alan! Run you, hairy bastard! end Written by: Dana Klein Produced by: Robert Carlock and Wendy Knoller Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa Rachel: You know, I'm thinking about letting Emma have her first cookie. Joey: Her first cookie? She has cookies all the time! Rachel: I've never given her a cookie. Have you? Joey: No! No... and, for the record, I've also never given her a frosting from a can! Monica: Hey Rach, the adoption agency needs letters of recommendation and we were wondering if you would write one for us. Rachel: Of course, I'd be honored! Chandler: Thanks! Monica: Thank you! Joey: U-U-Um, I think there's been an oversight. Chandler: Joey, we would've asked you, we just thought you wouldn't be interested. Monica: Yeah, it's just we don't think of you as really being so much "with the words". Joey: Whoo-weh hey weh-hey whoo hey!! Monica: Clearly we were wrong. Joey: I gotta a lot of nice stuff to say about you guys, ok? And I know how much you wanna have a baby, you know, and I would love to help you get one. Monica: You know what? Then, Joey, we want you to do it. Joey: Thank you! Alright, let me see how I'm gonna start... "Dear baby adoption decider people..." Chandler: So excited about your letter! Phoebe: Hey! All: Hey Phoebe! Joey: Hey! Monica: Wow! Don't you look nice?! Phoebe: Yes, I do! Today is Mike and my one-year anniversary. Rachel: OH! What's it the anniversary of? Your first date, your first kiss, first time you had sex... Phoebe: YEAH! Chandler: So you must be going to somewhere fancy to celebrate? Phoebe: Uh-uh. Ehm, a Knicks game. Joey: Uhm... Aren't you a little overdressed? Phoebe: Hey, you know what, I've never had a one-year anniversary before, so no matter where we go, I'm wearing something fancy pants, and... I'm gonna put on my finest jewelry and we're gonna have sex in a public rest room. Monica: You guys do that? Chandler won't even have sex in our bathroom! Chandler: That's where people make number two!! OPENING CREDITS Charlie: Hey! Ross: Hey... Charlie: So, you know... I have a little time. If you... if you want to... Ross: Ohh... I'd love to but I really have to grade these papers. Charlie: Fine, it's fine... I'll just shower by myself... Ross: B, B, B, B, B! Charlie: Oh, Ross, you gave a B to a Pottery Barn catalogue. Ross: Well, it had some good ideas, take off your shirt. Ross: Damnit! Amy: I have to talk to you!! Ross: Hi Amy! Amy: You're not Rachel. Ross: Still sharp as a tack! Amy: Um... Charlie, this is Rachel's sister Amy. Amy, this is Charlie. Charlie: Hi! Amy: Hi! Charlie: Nice to meet you. Amy: H-Hi!! And you are...? Ross: Ross? I... I grew up on your block! We had Thanksgiving together last year... I had a baby with your sister! Amy: N-no... uhm... did I buy a falafel from you yesterday? Ross: Yes, yes, you did. Ross: Hi Rachel! Here's your sister Amy! She thinks I need pec implants! Rachel: Amy! Hi! Oh-oh-hoh! Wow! You remember Joey? Amy: Yeah! Hey, sure! The "Days of Our Lives" guy! Joey: That's right, yeah. Amy: You're not good! Joey: Always nice to meet a fan! Rachel: So now, what are you doing here? Amy: Well, I have huge news. Rachel: Oh sorry, hold on. Let me just check on the baby! Amy: Wait, this is important! Can Ella wait? Ross: Ehm... Her name is Emma. Amy: Why did you change it, Ella was so much prettier! Ross: What do I know? I just sell Middle Eastern food from a cart! Amy: Hey, your English is getting better!! Ross: Oh my God! Joey: I know, she may be the hottest girl I've ever hated. Ross: What... what you working on? Joey: Oh, Monica and Chandler's recommendation. I want it to sound smart but.. I don't know any big words or anything, so... Ross: Why don't you use your Thesaurus? Joey: What did I just say? Ross: Watch. Here, you ehm... You highlight the word you want to change. Go under Tools and the Thesaurus generates... 'gives'... 'gives' a whole list of choices. You can pick the word that sounds smartest. Joey: Oh my God, that's great! I'm smart!! No, no, I'm... "brainy, bright, clever", I love this thing! Look out ladies, Joey Tribbiani's got the whole package!!   Rachel: God! Amy: So beautiful. Rachel: Oh, I know, isn't she? Amy: No, I was talking about your bedding. Rachel: All right. What's your news, Amy? Amy: Oh! Um... Well... I'm getting married. Rachel: What? Oh my God! To who? Amy: This guy! He has a killer apartment. Rachel: A-And?? Amy: A-And it's on Fifth. And the elevator opens up right into the living room. Rachel: No, what's he like? Amy: Oh! He's ok. Do you remember my old boyfriend Mark? Rachel: Yeah. Amy: It's his dad. Rachel: Huh... wow, so he's gotta be... Amy: Old? Yeah! But he travels a lot, so he's hardly ever there. Rachel: Sweety, I gotta tell ya... it sounds a little bit like you like the apartment more than you like... Amy: Myron. Hmm... I told you he was old! Rachel: Oh... sit down, sit down. Oh, honey, you know, I once also almost married somebody that I didn’t love. Do you remember Barry? Amy: Humpf, remember him? How we used to make out all the time after you went to sleep. Rachel: Sometimes just nodding is ok. Uhm, so but anyway, listen, not marrying Barry was the best decision that I ever, ever made. Honey, you deserve true love. Your soulmate is out there, somewhere. Someone that is your age, that is smart, that is fun and that you care about! Amy: You’re right, you’re right! I’m gonna do it! Rachel: Ok. Amy: I’m gonna marry Myron and keep looking for Mr Right. Rachel: Ok, let’s keep talking.   Phoebe: Excuse me, anniversary. Excuse me, anniversary. . Can’t believe it's been a whole year! Mike: I know. This has been the best year... THIS HAS BEEN THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE! Phoebe: ME TOO! I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD LOVE SOMEONE THIS MUCH! Mike: I FEEL THE SAME WAY! Phoebe: YOU’RE SO GENEROUS AND KIND AND IT’S OUR ANNIVERSARY! Announcer: Knicks fans, please turn your attention to the big screen on the score board. Someone has a special question to ask. Phoebe: Oh how lame... oh, it’s so tacky, and impersonal. Mike: Really? Phoebe: Oh, it’s the worst way to propose! Mike: . Joey: Hey, finished my recommendation. Here. And I think you’ll be very, very happy. It’s the longest I ever spent on a computer without looking at porn. Chandler: I don’t... uh... understand. Joey: Some of the words are a little too sophisticated for ya? Monica: It doesn’t make any sense. Joey: Of course it does! It’s smart! I used the the-saurus! Chandler: On every word? Joey: Yep! Monica: Alright, what was this sentence originally? Joey: Oh, ‘They are warm, nice, people with big hearts’. Chandler: And that became ‘they are humid prepossessing Homo Sapiens with full sized aortic pumps...? Joey: Yeah, yeah and hey, I really mean it, dude. Monica: Hey Joey, I don’t think we can use this. Joey: Why not? Monica: Well, because you signed it baby kangaroo Tribbiani . Hey, why don’t you stop worrying about sounding smart and just be yourself! Chandler: You know what? You don’t need a thesaurus, just write from here, your full sized aortic pump. Rachel: Amy, hi! Amy: I took your advice, I left Myron. Rachel: Oh, good for you! Amy: I know! I'm Erin Brockovich! Rachel: Yes you are! Oh, I am so proud of you! Amy: Thank you! So, can I stay with you? Rachel: But Erin Brockovich had her own house. Joey: Ah, look who’s back! Why do you have bags? RACH, WHY DOES SHE HAVE BAGS? Amy: Well, I’m staying with you guys! Joey: What? Amy: We’re gonna be roomies! Come on! Joey: You slept out here? Rachel: Yeah... Amy kept kicking me in her sleep yelling ‘Myron, get off!’ Joey: But uhm, we're getting rid of her, right? Rach, please tell me we’re getting rid of her. Rachel: Joey, I can’t do that! Joey: Oh, come on! Last night I was finishing off a pizza and she said "Uoh oh oh, a moment on the lips, forever on the hips!" I don’t need that kind of talk in my house! Rachel: Well Joey, uhm look, I know that she’s difficult, but I think it’s really good that she’s here. Joey: 'Cause we will appreciate it more when she’s gone? Rachel: No, it's just... look, you know, when I first moved to the city I was a lot like her! I was spoiled, self-centered and you guys really took care of me. Joey: Yeah, Monica made us! Rachel: Well, uhm... whatever, I have really appreciated it, 'cause I don’t think I would be the person that I am today if it wasn’t for you guys. See, I wanna help Amy the way you guys helped me. And I know it’s gonna take patience, but that’s ok. Amy: Good morning. Joey: Yeaah. Rachel: Amy, that’s what I was supposed to wear today, that’s why I hung it on the door. Amy: Oh, sweety, you can’t pull this off. Rachel: Amy, you know what? I was thinking that maybe now it'd be a good time for us to sit down and, you know, talk about your future. Amy: Oh, I can’t, honey. I’m gonna go get my eyebrows shaped. Oh... sure you wanna eat that? Joey: I’M CURVY, AND I LIKE IT! Phoebe: Hi. I just had the worst anniversary ever. Chandler: I doubt that! Tell her about us last year. Monica: Oh, well, I bought Chandler a five hundred dollar watch and he wrote me a rap song. Ross: Seriously? Chandler: Word! Phoebe: Well, mine was worse than that. Rachel: Well, what happened? Phoebe: We were at the game, and this guy proposed to his girlfriend on the big screen thing... Rachel: Oh, that is so tacky. Phoebe: Well, that’s what I said, but it turns out, Mike was planning on proposing to me that same way last night! Monica: Oh my God, Mike was gonna propose? Rachel: Phoebe, that’s huge! Ross: Well, do you wanna marry him? Phoebe: Yeah, I really do! Yes, but, after I dumped on the way he was gonna propose to me, I don’t think he’s ever gonna ask again! I mean, I said no in Barbados and now this! Chandler: She's right! If I were a guy and... Did I just say if I were a guy..? Monica: Maybe you don't need him to propose to you, maybe you can propose to him! Phoebe: Oh, I don't know, I don't know, isn't that a little desperate? Monica: I proposed to Chandler! Alright, moving on... Chandler: Oh, I don't think it was desperate, I think it was amazing! Monica: Thank you. Phoebe: Well, do you think I should propose? Rachel: I think it could be kind of great! Ross: Absolutely! You'll love the feeling! There's nothing like it! Phoebe: Ok, ok, so how should I do it? Monica: How about at a game, on the big screen? Rachel: Monica: What? what? He obviously thinks that's a nice way to be proposed to, plus he'd never suspect it! Phoebe: Yeah, that does make sense. Ok, now, would... would you two like that? Chandler: Sounds good to me... but what would a guy think? Amy: Rachel: Oh! That's interesting, since she died seven years ago!! Amy: She did? Who got her condo in Boca? Rachel: That's Molly, she's sick. Can you watch Emma today? Ross: No, I can't. I have back-to-back classes. Did Molly say what she had? Because my throat's been hurting? Rachel: Menstrual cramps. Ross: I don't think that's what this is. Rachel: Can any of you watch Emma? Monica: No, sorry sweety.. Phoebe: No, I've got work and then I'm proposing.. Rachel: Great, shoot, what are we gonna do? Amy: Well, I can do it. Rachel: Well, actually... Ross: Well, can I talk to you for a sec.? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Um, I do not want her baby-sitting our child. Rachel: Why not? Ross: Well, for one thing, she keeps calling her Ella! Rachel: Wha.. well, Ella's a nice name! Ross: Fine, we'll call the next one Ella. Rachel: Wha... the next one? Ross: Okay, um... I don't want her watching our baby. Rachel: Ross, I am trying to help her become a better person. This is a huge breakthrough for her! She just offered to do something for another human being!! Ross: I... I don't know.. Rachel: Ross, I'm telling you, she's giving up getting her eyebrows shaped to do this alright? Do you understand how important that is in our world? Amy: um... listen, I couldn't help but overhear... 'cause I was trying to... Listen, let me do this alright? I really wanna help you guys out, and plus Rachel's been so wonderful to me... Rachel: Absolutely. Amy: Chandler: Hey Joe! How's the second draft of the letter coming? Joey: Great, I'm finished! In fact, I just dropped it off at the agency. Monica: You dropped it off? Joey: Yeah. Chandler: Can we read it? Can you print out another copy? Joey: No can do amigo. No, I didn't use the computer. Felt more personal to hand-write it. Monica: You hand-wrote it? Joey: Yeah, and don't worry. I didn't try to sound smart at all! See ya later! Monica: Oh my God, oh my God, that letter is gonna go in our file! We're never gonna get a kid. No, we're gonna be one of those old couples that collects orchids or has a lot of birds! Chandler: It's ok, it's ok. You know what? Monica: Okay good. Chandler: . Monica: Ugh, we're screwed, aren't we? You know what? Just tell me on the way to the bird store. Chandler: They loved it. Monica: What? Chandler: They thought it was very smart of us to have a child write the recommendation letter. Monica: They thought Joey was a child? Chandler: She guessed 8, 9, based on his drawings. Amy: Hi! Monica: Hey, what did you guys do today? Amy: Ella wanted to go out, so we went shopping and got some sushi. Chandler: That sounds like fun. Amy: Yeah, not really. Babies are dull. Rachel: Hey! Hi, how's my girl? Amy: I'm fine! And, I got you a present for letting me stay with you. Ready? Rachel: Yeah! Amy: Ta-daaa! Rachel: You pierced her ears!? Amy: Doesn't it make her nose look smaller? COMMERCIAL BREAK Rachel: You pierced her ears? How could you do this without telling me? Amy: Well, if I had told you, then it wouldn't have been surprise, now would it? Chandler: I think she looks cute. ... but I am wrong! Rachel: Oh my God, Oh my God, here comes Ross. He's gonna flip out. Amy: Why, did something happen to his falafel cart? Rachel: Ugh. Ross: Hey guys. Monica and Chandler: Hi Ross. Ross: Hey Emma. Oh, why is she wearing her hat so low? She can barely see. . Rachel: Nah, I don't really want her to see. Ross: Why not? Monica: Because there are so many terrible sights in this world. Chandler: Like war. Or that thing in Joey's refrigerator. Remember? It was in a milk carton but it looked like meat? Ross: Come here Oh! There she is! Hi! Ross: What? Rachel: Nothing. Ross: . Please tell me those are clip-ons. Rachel: Oh, they're real! Ross: Did she do this to her? I told you we shouldn't have left Emma with her! Rachel: I know, I know, and you were right Ross. You are soo irresponsible I am never letting you baby-sit ever again! Amy: Hey you know what, this kid needs me, okay? She needs to have a cool fun aunt! Monica: I'm a cool, fun aunt! Amy: O-Okay! Chandler: Hey! Monica can be cool and fun at organized indoor projects! Rachel: I can't believe this. All I wanted to do was help you try to figure out what to do with your life and this is how you repay me? Amy: Well, I don't need you to help me, because I already know what I'm going to do with my life. Rachel: Oh yeah? Since when? Amy: Since today... I am going to be a baby stylist. Rachel: What? Ross: That's not a thing! Amy: Well, it should be. I'm gonna help babies learn how to accessorize, what colors to wear, what clothes are slimming... Rachel: Babies don't care if they're slim. Amy: Enter Amy! Ross: Amy, I ju... I just... I just wanna... Amy: What? What are you gonna do? Ross: No more falafel for you! Mike: Great game, huh? Phoebe: Uhuh, uhuh... Mike: Why do you keep looking at the screen? Phoebe: I'm not. I'm praying. Where... where are you going? Mike: Going go to the bathroom. Phoebe: Well, I think you should wait. Mike: Why? Phoebe: Well, if you don't... if you don't hold it in, you don't get all the nutrients. Announcer: Knicks fans, please turn your attention to the big screen on the scoreboard. Someone has a special question to ask. Phoebe: Mike Hannigan... will you marry me? Announcer: Get a load of this... She's proposing to him. Guess we know who wears the pants in that family. Phoebe: That's not very enlightened! Phoebe: Hey, hey! Boo us? Boo you! Joey: She was nice! Rachel: Joey, get Amy's bags, she is moving out! Joey: Whoo-hoo! Amy: You're kicking me out? Rachel: You put holes in my baby's ears! Amy: Yeah well, at least now people will know she is a girl! Rachel: I can't believe I ever even tried to help you. You are so beyond help. Amy: You know what? Ever since I got here, you have been nothing but negative. Rachel: Excuse me? Amy: You didn't want me to marry the old guy with the great apartment. Then, I tried to help your daughter to de-emphasize her flaws And suddenly I am the bad guy? Rachel: Joey, where are those bags? Joey: She has a lot of crap! Amy: You know what? When I moved in here I thought: This is gonna be so great. Just us sisters, back together again like when we were kids, except without that stupid Jill... Oh! Who has gotten fat by the way... Rachel: Seriously? Amy: hm-mmm... Mom said she gained like fifteen pounds. Rachel: Hips or thighs? Amy: Ass and face. Rachel: Oh! Oh my God! I thought she was on Atkins. Amy: She was. Carbs found her... See, this is what I wanted. Two sisters, talking about real stuff. Rachel: Oh, I can give you that. Amy: You can? Rachel: Yeah. I just, I kept trying to make you a better person, but you're... you're already a pretty perfect version of what you are. Amy: Thank you. I've got to admit, Emma does look cute. Rachel: Did you just say Emma? Amy: Ugh, I'm sorry... Ella. Phoebe: That woman at the game didn't know what she was talking about. Mike, obviously you have balls. Mike: But please, let's just forget the whole thing. Phoebe: I would love it. Consider it forgotten... But just so you know... however and whenever you decide to propose, I promise I'll say yes. Whether... whether, you know, it is in a basketball game, or in sky writing, or you know, like some lame guy in a cheesy movie who hides it in the cake. Phoebe: It's in the cake, isn't it? Mike: Phoebe: What's the matter with me? How do I keep ruining this? I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Mike: No! It's my fault. I keep trying to propose in these stupid ways and all I wanna do is tell you that I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Mike: I'm gonna do this now. Phoebe: Oh my God! Mike: Phoebe, I... Phoebe: Wait! Oh wait! Mike: Ready? Phoebe: Uh-huh! Mike: Phoebe, I love you. There's no-one else in the world I would ask to marry me... three times. But I wanna take care of you, have babies with you, and grow old with you... Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me? Phoebe: Yes! Mike: I love you! Phoebe: I love you more! Mike: Not possible! She's gonna be Mrs. No Balls. COMMERCIAL BREAK Rachel: So how is the uhm... baby styling business going? Amy: Not that great. It's almost if people don't want to hear that their babies are ugly. Rachel: That's shocking! Amy: Oh! It's Ross... Hey Ross! He's rude! THE END Written by: Sebastian Jones Produced by: Robert Carlock and Wendy Knoller Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa Final check by Kim Phoebe: Hey... All: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Ross: Pheebs, what's wrong? Phoebe: Oh, I'm just so exhausted from dragging around this... HUGE engagement ring! All: OH! Rachel: My God! Joey: Hey! Rachel: Congratulations! Wow!! Ross: So, did he get on one knee, did he have a speech prepared, or Yeah, big surprise, I like proposals! Phoebe: Well, it was really sweet, and like the most romantic thing ever. Joey: Well, hey! Well... To Phoebe and Mike! All: Whoo! Phoebe: Thank you! Oh, and I have something for you! Rachel: Mmh-mmh! Phoebe: It's, yes, my little black book. It's got the numbers of all the guys I've dated. Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, baby, that's nice but, you know what, I think I'm ok. Why don't you give it to one of your other single girlfriends? Phoebe: I would, but you're the last one. Rachel: Pablo Diaz, Brady Smith, huh, "Guy-in-van"? Phoebe: Oh, my first love! Rachel: Oh! Monica: What does the red X next to Bob Greenmore's name mean? Phoebe: Dead. Oh, it's OK, no, he was old, yeah! And he lived a full life, he was in the first wave at Omaha Beach. Chandler: Hey, I'm sorry, I should have given you guys my black book when I got married! Although it wasn't so much a book as a... napkin. With Janice's phone number on it. Rachel: Phoebe, isn't Jethro Tull a band? Phoebe: Oh yes, they are. OPENING CREDITS Chandler: Hey honey! Joey: Hi sweetie! Chandler: Is Monica not here? Joey: No. Chandler: Oh, then I'll tell you. My agency was bidding for a big account and they got it! It's my first national commercial! Joey: Cool! Chandler: Yeah, and I don't wanna brag but a lot of the ideas were mine! Hell, you weren't there? All the ideas were mine!!! Joey: That's great! Hey, can you cast me in it? Chandler: Oh... I don't know, I really don't think you're right for the part. Joey: What do you mean? I can do anything, I'm a chameleon! Huh? I'm cold!! Huh?? Come on! What can't I do? Chandler: First of all. Bravo. Uh, but I really don't think you're right for this. The part calls for a stuffy college professor. Joey: I can do that! "Hello, I'm your professor. When I'm not busy thinking of important things or... professing. I like to use..." Oh, what's the product? Chandler: Software that facilitates inter-business networking e-solutions? Joey: I'm cold! Ross: Hey! Charlie: Hey! Ross: Guess who's a finalist for a huge research grant! I'll give you a hint, he's looking right at you. Charlie: Ah, well, unless it's the creepy guy with his hand up his kilt, I'm gonna say congratulations! Ross: Oh, I'm so excited, I mean, apparently I beat out hundreds of other applicants, included five guys I went to graduate school with. Not that I'm keeping score or anything... five! Charlie: Wow, that's great! So, tell me about the grant! Ross: Well, ok, it's for 25 thousand dollars. And if I get it, I'll finally be able to complete my field research! And there will be an article about me in the "Paleontology Review"! Yeah! That'll be the first time my name is in there, without people raising serious questions about my work! Charlie: Wait. Are you talking about the Dewar grant? Ross: Yeah. Why? Charlie: Benjamin Hobart is administering that grant. Ross: Your ex-boyfriend? Charlie: Yeah. Ross: So, your ex-boyfriend is gonna determine if your new boyfriend gets this grant? Wow, your new boyfriend is screwed! Charlie: No, no, we ended up in great terms. I mean, if anything, I think this could help you. You know what? Why don't we all go out to dinner together, and I can introduce you. Ross: Well, if you think it would help. Charlie: Yes, absolutely. I'll call him. Ross: Ok, now, is there anything I can do to... you know, butter him up? Anything he really likes? Charlie: Mmh... he does have a pretty serious latex fetish. Ross: We'll see how dinner goes. Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey, you wanna go to see a movie? Phoebe: Well, I told you I had to spend all the day clearing out stuff, so Mike could move in. Monica: Oh, right. Phoebe: Yeah. Monica: Oh, well. Now that I'm here I might as well help you with the cleaning and organizing! Just happen to have my label maker! Phoebe: Oh, it's so hard to get rid of stuff! Did you and Chandler have to make compromises when you first moved in together? Monica: Uh, Chandler did! What does he want you to give up? Phoebe: A bunch of stuff. And the worst one... he wants me to get rid of Gladys. Monica: Who's Gladys? Oh! What a tragic loss! Phoebe: Yeah. I really hate to give her up. Oh, I know!! Oh, you should take her! Monica: Well, I-I-I-I... I don't know... Phoebe: Why, you don't like her? Monica: Well, of course I do. What's not to like! I'll take her in a minute! But, you know, I think that you're giving up too easy, honey. I think that you need to fight for her! Phoebe: Really? You think? Monica: Absolutely! Yes, you say to him "I'm sorry Mike I can't live without her, she means too much to me!" Phoebe: Ok, I'll fight for her. Ok! Oh, wait, oh I just realized... if I do that, that means you don't get her. Monica: Damn it, I did not think this through!   Chandler: Hey you guys. Rachel: Hi! Joey: Oh! Any word on casting yet? Chandler: Joe, I told you, you're just not right for the part. Joey: What do you mean? Rach, don't I seem like a professor you'd buy some kind of e-crap from? Rachel: I'm sorry, this sounds like something I'm never gonna be interested in. Joey . Look, here's a copy of my reels. It's got all the commercials that I've been in. Chandler: Joe... Joey: Just watch it, and if you don't like it, you don't pass it on to your bosses! Chandler: Fine! Joey: Thank you. Chandler: Work, Joe! Joey: Damn it! Chandler : What am I gonna do now? Joey: Just pass it to your boss! Chandler: He's not right for the part. So if I suggest him, my bosses are gonna think I'm an idiot! And that's something they should learn on their own! Rachel: Just tell Joey that you watched the tape and you liked it, but your bosses didn't. Then that way, you're the good guy and they're the bad guys. Chandler: That's good! I liked it, they didn't. . Ross: I can't believe I'm about to meet Benjamin Hobart. I've always thought of him as one of the people I'd invite to my fantasy dinner party. Do you think there's any chance he'll bring Christie Brinkley or C3PO? Charlie: Sorry, looks like it's just him. Benjamin: Charlie! My God, you look absolutely stunning! Ross: Well, I... I am having a good hair day. Benjamin: So good to see you. Charlie: Me too. Ross: I'm ok. Charlie: I'm sorry... Ross Geller... Benjamin Hobart. Ross: It's an honor to meet you. I can't tell you how long I've been an admirer of your work, I mean, that Nobel prize, whoooo! I mean, I have to tell you that, you're one of the reasons I got into the field. Benjamin: Oh, well, likewise. Actually, not likewise. I've never heard of you until this morning, but, it's nice to be nice! Charlie: Shall we? . Benjamin: . I can't believe that you chose this restaurant! Do you remember the night? Charlie: Oh my God, I completely forgot! . Benjamin : You weren't there! Ross: No, but, it's, you know, it's just a funny image, you know, the two of you, in this restaurant, with... tzz-zzz, mmm. Charlie: Ross, why don't you tell Benji about your proposal, while I go to the ladies room? Benjamin: So, tell me about it. Ross: Ok well, I would like to do a dig in the painted desert. Benjamin: M-m. Ross: See, there are still several areas that haven't been fully excavated. Benjamin: Break up with Charlie! Ross: What? Benjamin: What? Ross: Did you just say "break up with Charlie"? Benjamin: Well, yes, and now. Yes I did say it, and no, I didn't not say it. Ross: Kind of inappropriate, don't you think? Benjamin: I'm sorry. I just haven't seen her for so long! All these feelings are rushing back! I'm starting to realize how much I missed her, and I'm gonna need you to break up with her. Ross: Are you serious? Benjamin: If you say yes then I'm serious, if you say no then I'm joking! Ross: No! Benjamin: Joking it is! Phoebe: Hi! Sorry, I'm late. Monica: Hey, how did it go with Mike, is he gonna let you keep the painting? Phoebe: No, he really hates it. But he's gonna let me keep my box of human hair! So you got to pick your battles. But the good news is, Gladys is yours! Monica: Wow, what's the bad news! Rachel: Who's Gladys? Phoebe: Oh, she's that work of art I made, you know, with the woman coming out of the frame. Rachel: Oh, and Monica gets to keep her? In her house? I am so jealous! Phoebe: Oh, I didn't know you wanted her too! Monica: Huh! Rachel: Well, I mean, sure, of course. But... you already gave that to Monica, so... Monica: You know, I would give her up, for you. Rachel: No, I couldn't let you do that. Monica: But I want to. Rachel: But I don't want you to. Monica: But I insist! Rachel: But I insist harder! Phoebe: Girls, girls, stop, ok? We'll flip a coin. Heads, she's Rachel's, tails she's Monica's. . Tails! Monica, she's yours! Monica: No, that landed in your food! Rachel: No, no, that's ok. You won fair and square. I'm so sad! Chandler: Hey Joe! Joey: What's up? Chandler: Bad news. I watched the tape and passed it along to my bosses and they weren't interested. Joey: Oh. Chandler: I'm sorry man. Joey: But, ehm... you watched the tape? Chandler: But, ehm... my bosses didn't go for it. Stupid sons of bitches! Joey: You didn't watch the tape. Chandler: What!? Of course I did! Joey: Look, it's one thing not to cast me, but to lie to me? Chandler: I'm not lying to you, I watched it! Joey: Well, you lied again! Chandler: I watched it! Joey: Keep going Pinocchio! Chandler: I did! Joey: Chandler: Rachel: Did you watch the tape? Chandler: No! Benjamin: The selection committee has chosen the three of you as our finalists today. The ultimate decision will be based upon the answers you give to the questions I ask here. I'm gonna start with Dr. Li. Dr. Li, you claim the field is too reliant on the Linnaean taxonomic system. How do you propose to correct this problem? Dr. Li: Well, I believe that the answers lie in the osteological evidence. I plan to begin there. Benjamin: Interesting. Ross: I guess! Benjamin: Dr. Biely, your proposal includes some field work. Where might that take place? Dr. Biely: Primarily in the Pierre Shale region of South Dakota. Benjamin: Certainly. Very well. And Dr. Geller, when is my birthday? Ross: Benjamin: Care to venture a guess? Ross: May 12th? Benjamin: Dr. Li, how many graduate students you'd be needing? Dr. Li: Half a dozen. Benjamin: I see, and Dr. Biely? Dr. Biely: Three for excavation and two for analysis. Benjamin: Certainly. Dr. Geller, which 1965 Shirelles hit was later covered by a popular British invasion band? Ross: Wha..? I need 6 graduate students. Benjamin: No! I'm sorry, we were looking for "Baby It's You". Baby It's You. Ross: Wha...? Wait, wait, wait, just a minute. None of my questions have anything to do with Paleontology. Benjamin: You're right, I apologize. Scratch the last question. Spell "Boscodictiasaur". Ross: um... I've never heard of a "Boscodictiasaur". Benjamin: Yeah, I just made it up. Spell it. Ross: B - O - S ... Benjamin: No, it starts with a silent "M". Ross: Oh come on!! Chandler: I can't believe Joey. I hate being called a liar! Rachel: But you are a liar. Chandler: What did I just say? Joey: You still here? Chandler: Yes, and I have to say, I am not just hurt. I am insulted. When I tell somebody I did something... Joey: Ok whoah-hey... Let me just stop you right there, ok? First, you lied, right? Then, you lied about lying, ok? Then you lied about lying about lying, ok? So before you lie about lying about lying about lying about... lying... Stop lying! Chandler: Why are you so sure I didn't watch this tape? Joey: Rachel: Well, this is going well. Joey: Joey: . Chandler: He really is a chameleon. Phoebe: Monica: Oh, my! Rachel: Monica: I haven't really settled on a spot yet! Rachel: Well, hey! How about right above the TV? . That way, it will be the first thing that you see when you walk in the door! Phoebe: Yeah, yeah! And you can get rid of that French poster. Monica: I like that poster! Phoebe: Really? It doesn't have anything coming out of it. Or maybe there is some place for her in your bedroom? Rachel: Oh! There's nothing above your bed!! Monica: Are you still here? Ross: Oh hi! Hello! Uh, have you come to ask me some more paleontology related questions? Uhm... your grandmother's nickname, perhaps? Aunt Margaret's pants size? Benjamin: I've come here to apologize. I think I may have let my feelings for Charlie interfere with the interview process. Ross: No! Stop! Benjamin: Anyway, I've decided to offer you the grant. Ross: Really? Benjamin: Well... there is just one small... stipulation... Ross: I have to break up with Charlie? Benjamin: Hey, you got one right! Ross: You're crazy. Benjamin: Crazy, or... romantic? Ross: Crazy! Benjamin: Ooor... Ross: Rachel: O-oh my God! Joey: What? Rachel: Joey, what... is... this...thing... doing here? Joey: I got it from Monica. She sold it to me for a very reasonable price. Rachel: Joey, we're not keeping this! Joey: But it's an original Buffay... Rachel: Alright, fine. You can keep it. As long as you don't mind that she's haunted. Joey: Hey? what? what? wey! whoo! what? what!? Rachel: Well, legend has it Joey, that... she comes alive when you're asleep. Rachel: She climbs out of the frame, and then drags her half-a-body across the floor, just looking for legs to steal. And then with her one good hand, she slo-o-owly re-e-a-aches up and turns your doorknob. Joey: GET THAT LEGLESS WITCH OUT OF HERE! Monica: Hey! I sold that to Joey. Rachel: Well, why I told him it's haunted. Two can play at this game. Monica: No, too late. You can't give it back! Rachel: Yes I can! Monica: No you can't. She's yours! Rachel: She's yours! Monica: SHE'S YOURS! Rachel: She's yours! Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: She's mine! Monica: She's m-i-i-ne! Rachel: She's mine! Monica: She's mine! Phoebe: You guys! You guys! You don't have to fight over her anymore. Rachel: I want Gladys! Monica: She's mine! Rachel: She's mine! Monica: She's mine! Rachel: She's mine! Chandler: Look, I'm sorry I didn't give them your tape. And I promise, next time to submit you whether I think you are right for the part or not. Joey: That's not the point Chandler. The point is that you lied. Chandler: I know. You're right. What's it gonna take for you to forgive me? Monica: Oh my God! Rachel: Excellent! Joey: Now, what do you say? Chandler: Lying is wrong! Joey: And?... AND? Chandler: I'm a pretty little girl. Phoebe: I knew it! Ross: Your ex-boyfriend is insane. Charlie: Did you get the grant? Ross: No I didn't, and you want to know why? Because your ex-boyfriend is still in love with you. Charlie: What? Ross: Yeah. He wouldn't give me the grant, because I wouldn't give you up. Charlie: Benji isn't in love with me. I mean, he broke up with me. And besides, he's a very ethical man. Ross: Really? Is it ethical to ask someone in a grant review, who was the voice of "Underdog"? Charlie: I'm sure he was just joking, Ross. Ross: If you don't believe me, let's go talk to him, okay? I'm telling you, he didn't ask me one paleontological question. Charlie: Seriously? Ross: Oh, I'm sorry, no. He did ask me one. Uhm... How do you spell Mboscodictiosaur? Charlie: Well, if it's like the lake Mbosco in Congo, then M-B-O... Ross: Damnit! Benjamin: Dr. Geller...? Charlie... What are you... what are you doing here? Ross: I want you to tell her everything. About the deal you tried to make with me, about the crazy questions you... Wally Cox! That's the voice of Underdog! Benjamin: Like I tried to tell you in the interview Ross, this grant is not based on your knowledge of pretty useless trivia. Ross: No, no, no. Don't do that! I want you to look her in the eyes, and tell her the truth. Charlie: Benji? Benjamin: Alright, it's true. I behaved horribly. But it's only because I still love you. And I would do anything to have you back in my life. Ross: Too little, too late, Benji! Charlie: I can't believe this. Benjamin: I never should have broken up with you. I think about you all the time. I mean, do you ever still think about me? Ross: No! Charlie: Yes! Ross: What? Charlie: I don't know what to say, Benji. This is all so.... romantic. Ross: or... Benjamin: Listen, I know, I may be way out of bounds here, but is there any chance you will take me back? Charlie: Maybe... Ross: Sweetie, this conversation is starting to make me a little uncomfortable. Charlie: Oh God! I am so sorry, but... I mean it's... there's so much history between us, you know... Benjamin: I'm sorry too... Benjamin: I love you! Charlie: I love you too! Ross: Okay, that's it. WE ARE SEEING OTHER PEOPLE! COMMERCIAL BREAK Joey: Gladys? Rachel: Ha ha ha, third time this week. Man, this does not get old. Joey: You're mean! Rachel: Oh, don't be such a baby! end   Written by: Mark Kunerth Produced by: Robert Carlock and Wendy Knoller Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa Final check by Kim Ross: Hey you guys! Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Hey, what are you doing? Mike: Oh, figuring out our wedding plans. Chandler: That's funny, we were doing the same thing! Ross: Yeah! Phoebe: It's really crazy! The hall, the dress, the food... I-I had no idea how expensive this stuff was! Chandler: Yeah it is really pricey. I mean, I freaked when I first heard the numbers. Phoebe: So what did you two do about it? Chandler: It was pretty simple actually, I came up with a couple of cost-cutting solutions, wrote out a list and Monica told me to go to hell. Ross: There's no way around it Pheebs, you just gonna have to accept the fact that this is gonna cost you a lot of money. Mike: I heard that weddings are like a 40 billion dollar a year industry. Ross: Yeah, and I'm responsible for just like half of that. Phoebe: But really, it does seem like this money could be put to better use? Mike: Are you serious? Phoebe: Yeah! Now, how would you feel if we gave all the wedding money to charity and we just got married at City Hall? Mike: I think it would make me wanna marry you even more. Ross: I've got to say you guys, that's an incredible gesture! Chandler: Maybe you do that next time you get married! Ross: No, no, no. The next time it's gonna be a Hawaii at sunset. But maybe the time after that! Opening Credits Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Joey: What's going on? Chandler: Our adoption social worker is coming by today so we are cleaning the apartment. Monica: We? Chandler: You know you don't want me to help. You can't have it both ways! Joey: Hey, is this person who decides whether or not you... get a baby? Chandler: Kind of. She's coming by to interview us and see where we live. Monica: And it has to go perfectly, because if she doesn't like something about us she can keep us off every adoption list in the state. Joey: Hey, maybe I should stop by! She could be a soap opera fan! It's very impressive when the little people know a celebrity. Chandler: Little people? Joey: Celebrity. Monica: Ok, so I think I'm just about done here, unless you have any bad stuff hidden somewhere, like... porn or cigarettes? Chandler: What...? NO! Monica: Chandler? Chandler: I don't, and I'm offended by the insinuation! Monica: Ok, so there's not a magazine under the couch, or a pack of cigarettes taped to the back of the toilet tank, or a filthy video in the VCR? Chandler: I'll admit to the cigarettes and the magazine, but that tape is not mine. Monica: It isn't mine! Joey: Well, I guess we'll never know whose it is!   Charity guy: May I help you? Phoebe: Yes. We're here to make a rather sizeable donation to the children. Charity guy: Well, any contribution, large or small, is always appreciated. Phoebe: Well, I think you're gonna appreciate it the crap out of this one Charity guy: Well, this is very generous! Phoebe: And we don't want any recognition. This is completely anonymous. Mike: Completely anonymous. From two kind strangers. Phoebe: Mr. X and Phoebe Buffay. Charity guy: Well if you like, we can include your names in our newsletter. Mike: Not necessary. Phoebe: Buffay is spelled B-U-F-F-A-Y. Mike: And "X" is spelled uhm... "Mike Hannigan". Charity guy: Right. Well, on behalf of the children: thank you both very much. Phoebe: Sure, I so glad we did this. It feels so good! Mike: It does. It feels really good! Phoebe: Oh, look! And we get these free t-shirts! Charity guy: Oh, actually, that's the shirt I wore to the gym. Phoebe: Mhm... it's moist. Ross: Hi! Rachel: Hi! Emma will be up in a minute! Ross: Oh, good! Rachel: Oh hey Ross... Listen, I heard about you and Charlie. I'm really sorry. Ross: Oh, that's OK. I'm sure there are tons of other beautiful paleontologists out there. Rachel: Absolutely. Ross: There was one! She's it! All the rest look like they should live under a bridge! Rachel: So, uhm... what are you gonna do today? Ross: Well, I was thinking of taking Emma to the playground! Rachel: Oh my God, what!? Ross: Like I said I was thinking of taking Emma to the museum of knives and fire! Rachel: Ok, look, Ross. I do not want Emma going to the playground. Ross: Be-caaauuuse... Rachel: All right, well, if you must know... I had a traumatic... swing incident... when I was little. Ross: Seriously? Rachel: Yes, I was 4 years old and I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom had to-had to cut a big chunk of my hair! And it was uneven for weeks! Ross: And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie! Rachel: Ok, fine! You can make fun of me. I do not want Emma going there. And I was thinking Claire Danes. Ross: Look, I'm sorry to hear about your tragedy, ok? But the swings are perfectly safe, and besides Emma loves them. You know what, you should come with us and you'll see! Rachel: Ross, those things go like 40 miles an hour! Ok? When you're... and there is that moment when you are at the top, when you just don't know if you're gonna return back to earth! Ross: Space is filled with orbiting children. Look, please, just come on, you know, when you’ll see the look on Emma’s face, I swear you won’t regret it. Rachel: All right! Ross: Good, you don’t want to be one of those mothers who pass on their irrational fears on their children, do you? Rachel: Irrational, huh? All right, well, I’ll remember that the next time you freak out about a spider in your apartment! Ross: Oh, yeah, that’s the same, I am sure there are thirty different species of poisonous swings! Monica: Oh my God, the adoption lady is early! Chandler: Ok, ok, here we go. Monica: Ok. Chandler: Here we go. Stand up straight. Phoebe: Hello, is this the creepy residence? Monica: We’re waiting for the adoption lady, but, hey, I’m glad you’re here. I was cleaning this morning and I found this . I don’t know if you wanna use it, but… Phoebe: Awe, this is so sweet of you! But you know what? I won’t be needing a veil, I actually won’t be wearing a dress at all! Monica: I told you! I am not coming to a naked wedding! Phoebe: No, no, no, we’re not having a big reception, we took the money we were gonna spend on a wedding and we donate them to the children charity. Monica: That’s crazy! . I am sorry. I just can’t imagine giving up my one wedding day like that! Phoebe: We, you know, we’re different! We don’t care about having a huge party. All right, well, who cares, I don’t need a pretty veil and a fancy dress. Monica: That’s right. You’re making a commitment and that’s the same, whether you do that at the Plaza or, where are you gonna do it? Phoebe: City Hall. Monica: Ow! Oh, that sounds nice! I am just there for jury duty. They really spruce that place up! Phoebe: It’s ok, it’s ok. I made my decision. What I really want is a great big wedding Monica: Yay! Chandler: But you already gave all your money to charity! Phoebe: Well, I’ll just ask for it back! Chandler: I don’t think you can do that! Monica: Why not! This is her wedding day, this is way more important than some stupid kids! Chandler: That’s sweet, honey, but save something for the adoption Lady. Rachel: Ok, careful. Ross: Ok. Rachel: Careful, watch her hair. WATCH HER HAIR! Ross: Rach, she’s got like three hairs! Rachel: I know but they’re just so beautiful! Oh, my God, I just pulled one out. Ross: I promise you she’s safe! No watch how much she loves this. Rachel: Ok. Ross : Ready sweety? Rachel: Ok. Ross: Here we go! Rachel: Ok, careful, ok. Oh, she’s smiling! Oh my God, she does like it! Ross: See, I told you! Rachel: Awe! Oh my God! Looks, she’s a little dare-devil! Oh, let me push, can I push? Ross: Oh, absolutely! Rachel: Ok. Oh God. Get the camera, it’s in the diaper bag. Ross: Ok! Ow!   Mike: We’re seriously asking for our money back? Phoebe: It’s for our wedding day! Right, now, is this guy gay or straight, because one of us gonna have to start flirting. Charity guy: Wow! Are you here to make another donation the same day? I don’t think that that’s ever happened before. Phoebe : Gay, go. Mike : Oh my God, I love your shirt! Phoebe: The donation we made earlier, we k…, we w…, we want it back. Charity guy: Excuse me? Phoebe: Yeah. See, that money was for a big wedding, that we thought we didn’t want, but it turns out we do. Charity guy: So you’re asking us to refund your donation to the children? Mike: Yeah! This feels really good. Phoebe: I am sorry. I am, but this wedding is just really important to me. Charity guy: Hey, it’s not my business, besides it’s probably a good thing. We really would have been spoiling the children, all those food, and warm clothing… Phoebe: Hey, that’s not fair! A person’s wedding is important! And especially to me! Ok? I didn’t have a graduation party! And I didn’t go to Prom. And I spent my sweet sixteen being chased round a tire yard by an escaped mental patient who is his own words wanted to “kill me” or whatever. So I deserve a real celebration and I am not gonna let some sweaty little man make me feel badly about it. Mike: She could have been talking about either one of us. Laura: Hi, I am Laura, I am here for your adoption interview. Monica: Hi, I am Monica and this is Chandler. Please come in. Laura: Thank you! Monica: Would you like something to drink? Laura: Oh, water would be fine. Monica: Ok. Great. I am so glad that you are here. We’re really excited about getting this process started. Chandler: Oh, because we love kids. Love ‘em to death.Well, not actually to death, that's just a figure of speech - we love kids the appropriate amount... as allowed by law. Laura: Your place is just lovely. Monica: Ah, thank you. This building does have a wholesome family feel to it. Laura: You know, I... I feel like I've been here before. Are any other couples in the building adopting? Monica: Is that that couple on the first floor? Because we should get a baby before them. Yeah! That guy tried to sell me drugs. Chandler: But other than that... wholesome, wholesome building. Laura: Oh... Chandler: What? Laura: I just realized why I remember this place. Monica: Really? What is it? Laura: Oh, it's nothing. I went on a date with a guy who lived in this building and it didn't end very well. Monica: Ohh... that wouldn't by any chance be... Joey Tribbiani? Laura: Yes! Chandler: Of course it was! Laura: Yeah, we had a really great night and in the morning he promised he would call me and he didn't. Chandler: RAT BASTARD! Laura: So you're not friends with him? Monica and Chandler: OH GOD NO! Nope, no, no, no. No! No, no. Nope! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. NO! No! Laura: Well, I'm sorry I brought it up. So, are either one of you planning on staying at home with your child... Joey: OW! Laura: What was that? Chandler: Oh, it's just some crazy guy who roams the halls here. He's great with kids though. Rachel: Oh, oh Ross, oh my God, are you okay? Ross: SON OF A BITCH! Rachel: Ross, see! I told you, those swings are evil! Alright, that is it. That is the last time Emma is getting on one of those things for her entire life. Ross: No! No, no, no, no, okay, it wasn't the swing's fault. It was my fault and kind of that kids fault. Who is still laughing. Nice. Rachel: Ross, c'mon, please. Can we just get out of here, before somebody else gets hurt? Ross: No wait, okay, okay, I have an idea. I want you to get on the swing, okay? And you'll see that there's nothing to be afraid of. Rachel: I know what this is all about... You've always been jealous of my hair. Ross: Look, I just think you're an adult, okay? And you should get over your silly fears. Rachel: Alright fine. I'll do it. Ross: Good. Rachel: If you hold a spider. Ross: WHAT? WHERE? WHERE? Rachel: IF you hold a spider. Ross: I know. Joey: Guys? Everything ok? It's me, Joe... Chandler: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA......AAAaaa-doption!! Laura: What's going on? Chandler: Oh, just like I said. That crazy... Bert... roaming the halls. Joey: Guys!? Monica: Keep on roaming Bert! We don't want any crazy today! Joey: What's going on? Chandler: WE'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, BERT. EVERYTHNG'S FINE!! Joey: Everything doesn't sound fine! Laura: Is he alright out there by himself? Chandler: Oh yeah! He has a caretaker. His older brother... Ernie. Laura: Bert and Ernie! Chandler: You can't make this stuff up! Mike: You never told me about that guy on your sweet sixteen. Oh, ugh. I'm sorry about that. Phoebe: Oh! It ended okay. One of my friends shot him. Mike: Well, hey, at least you're getting a proper wedding. I mean, you really deserve that. Phoebe: Yeah, I really do. You know, I had nothing growing up. Just like the kids I took the money from. Mike: No! No, no. I see where this is going. Don't make me go back there. Phoebe: Look, I can't have a wedding with this money now. It's tainted. Mike: Alright, fine. We'll give the money back. Phoebe: And if that guy at the charity gives us a hard time, my friend hasn't shot anyone in a really long time. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's. They are preparing to show Laura around. Laura is standing with her back to the window, Chandler and Monica are standing on either side of her, facing each other. Laura: Well, I must say, this seems like a lovely environment to raise a child in. Monica: Oh, by the way, you are more than welcome to look under any of the furniture, because, believe me, you won't find any porn or cigarettes under there! Laura: Oh! Well, actually, before we look around, let me make sure I have everything I need up to here... Monica: Why don't I show you the baby's room? Chandler: What the hell are you doing? Joey: Well, you wouldn't let me in, so I thought you were in trouble. Chandler: Well, we're not. Joey: But you called me 'Bert'!? That's our code word for danger! Chandler: We don't have a code word. Joey: We don't? We really should. From now on, 'Bert' will be our code word for danger. Monica: So that was the baby's room. Monica: What room should we see next? Chandler: Any room that isn't behind this couch! Monica: . Joey: I did not care for that! Chandler: You have to get out of here. You slept with our social worker and you never called her back and she is still pissed, so she can't see you. Joey: Ok, ok! Chandler: Ok! Chandler: What? Joey: I forgot my bat. Laura: Oh my God! Chandler: And for the last time, we do not want to be friends with you! And we don't want to buy your bat! Laura: What are you doing here? Joey: Bert! Bert! Bert! Bert! Laura: Are you friends with him? Chandler: I can explain... Joey... Joey: Uhm... ok... uhm... Well, yeah... You have got some nerve, coming back here. I can't believe you never called me. Laura: Excuse me? Joey: Oh... yeah... Probably you don't even remember my name. It's Joey, by the way. And don't bother telling me yours, because I totally remember it... lady. Yeah! I waited weeks for you to call me. Laura: I gave you my number, you never called me. Joey: No, no! Don't try to turn this around on me, ok? I'm not some kind of... social work, ok, that you can just... do. Laura: Well, I'm pretty sure I gave you my number. Joey: Really? Think about it. Come on! You're a beautiful woman, smart, funny, we had a really good time, huh? If I had your number, why wouldn't I call you? Laura: I don't know... Well, maybe I'm wrong... I'm sorry... Joey: No, no, hey, no! Too late for apologies... ok? You broke my heart. You know how many women I had to sleep with to get over you? Laura: Joey, wait! Joey: Laura: I'm sorry that you had to see that. I'm so embarrassed... Chandler: Oh, that's really ok. Monica: Yeah, that we totally understand. Dating is hard. Laura: Boy, you people are nice... And I've got to say... I think you're going to make excellent parents. Joey: LAURA! Phoebe: We're back! Charity guy: Are you here to take more money? Because, I think what you're looking for is an ATM. Mike: No, no, we're here to give the money back. Phoebe: Yeah, because you know what, it's... it's all about the children. Phoebe: Although... it's also about the wedding... Ugh, alright... here. No... Oh God... Oh! Charity guy: If I haven't said so already sir, congratulations! Mike: Now... what do you think we should do? Charity guy: You know what? It's not your decision anymore. Mike: What? Charity guy: On behalf of the Children of New York, I reject your money. Phoebe: But... but... but we're giving you this! Charity guy: Yeah... And I'm giving it back to you... Come on! Consider it a contribution. Phoebe: Well, this is very generous! Charity guy: Please, take the check, go have a great wedding and a wonderful life together. Mike: Well, I mean... It sounds good to me. And that way we can save up, come back in a few years and make an even bigger donation. Charity guy: Absolutely! And when you do, make sure you ask for Brian. Phoebe: Oh, is that you? Charity guy: No! Monica: Hello...? Oh hi... Oh my God...! Really...? I can't wait to tell Chandler... Ok, goodbye. Chandler: Wrong number? Monica: It was Laura... She gave us a great report and we are officially on the waiting list. Chandler: That's great! Monica: Now we just have to wait for a call and... and someone tells us there's a baby waiting for us. Oh... Chandler: Hello...? Have you seen Joey's bat? COMMERCIAL BREAK Rachel: Ok... I got a spider. There were two, I picked the bigger one. Ross: Ok... Rachel: Ok... Ross: This feels perfectly normal. Ok, get on the swing! Rachel: Ok... O-k... Rachel: Ok... Rachel: whoo... ok... wow... ok... OH! Ross: See? Rachel: A-alright! I can do this. Ross: There you go! Good for you! And you know what, I'm actually getting used to this little guy. I don't really even feel him in here anymore. Rachel: That's because he's on your neck. Ross: Well... Whaa... aaah... aaahhh... Rachel: ROSS! end Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa Final check by Kim Monica: Hey guys! Rachel: Hi! Phoebe: Hey! Monica: We need to talk to you about something. Chandler: Yeah. We don't feel like we can host Thanksgiving this year. All: What? Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Are you kidding? Chandler: Well, it's just with uhm, work and the stress of adoption, we just don't feel like we have the energy. Plus, we don't think it's fair that every year the burden falls on us. Ross: That doesn't sound like you... That's Monica talking! Chandler: No, no! We made this decision together. Ross: She's putting words in your mouth! Joey: Don't you put words in people's mouths, you put turkey in people's mouths! Rachel: I can't believe this! This is Emma's first Thanksgiving! Monica: No, it's not! Rachel: It's not? When was she born? Phoebe: Well, personally I think it's great you're giving yourself a break. Monica: Thank you, Pheebs! Phoebe: Sure. It's just as well... I mean, last year wasn't very good. I think she's losing her touch. Monica: What? You are way off, lady! Phoebe: Am I? Really? Am I? Well, why don't you cook Thanksgiving dinner and prove me wrong! Well, think about it, think about it, you'll be trying to top than you did last year. You'd be in competition... with yourself. Monica: That's my favourite kind! Okay, we are doing this! Chandler: Don't let yourself get manipulated this way! Monica: Hey, stay out of this, Chandler! This is between me... and ME! Chandler: We are supposed to make these decisions together! Did you not watch the Doctor Phil I taped for you? OPENING CREDITS Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Happy Thanksgiving! Phoebe: Oh, yeah, happy needless-turkey-murder day. Monica: You guys, I ordered some chocolate pies from that bakery on Bleecker. Could you pick them up for me? Phoebe: You're not making the pies yourself? Monica: No, no, no, I don't make chocolate pies. When I was younger I-I enter in this pie-eating contest. I ate so many that just the thought of them made me sick. Rachel: Did you at least win the contest? Monica: 2 minutes, 12 pies and a part of one tin! Okay, I see you guys at 4. Rachel: Can't wait! Monica: This dinner is gonna be so great! In your face, last year "me"! Phoebe: Hey Rach. Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: What's Emma doing today? Rachel: Well, let's see... uh... I know that she has a meeting with her lawyer and then she has to make a very big poop. Why? Phoebe: Well, I wanna enter her in a baby beauty pageant. Rachel: Oh my God! That's the creepiest thing I've ever heard! Phoebe: Okay, but, well, before you say no, my friend Susanne is entering her kid and compared to Emma she's a real dog! Rachel: Oh! Phoebe, all babies are beautiful! Phoebe: Oh... okay. Rachel: Phoebe, just the idea of pitting one baby against another, I mean, you know, and judging who's cuter just for a trophy... Rachel: And a thousand dollars. Rachel: ...is something I'm very interested in! Oh please, do not tell Ross. He still believes that what's in the inside is important... Phoebe: Okay, oh, and Emma needs a cowgirl outfit for the competition. Rachel: Where am I gonna get a cowgirl outfit on Thanksgiving? Phoebe: Well, I was thinking... Rachel: Oh, take the clothes of Joey's Cabbage Patch Kid. Phoebe: Yeah! Monica: Did someone drop the baton again? Chandler: Why come all the way from Kansas to do that? Monica: I don't get older. I just get better! Chandler: You know what just occurred to me? This could be our last Thanksgiving just the two of us. I mean, we could be getting a baby soon! Monica: You don't know that. Chandler: Somebody is gonna pick us. Monica: Yeah, but we haven't heard a thing from the adoption agency and it has been weeks! Chandler: I'm telling ya! It's gonna happen. Next year it's gonna be you, me and the little Hemingway Bing. What, he's my favourite author! Monica: Name one of his books. Chandler: "The Firm"? Monica: Ok, let's see... uhm, okay, the turkey is in the oven, the stuffing is ready... Chandler: You know, you always cook this meal all by yourself. Let me help this year. Monica: Oh, Chandler, that's sweet. But you don't have to do everything Doctor Phil tells you to do. Chandler: I'm serious, let me do something, just not the turkey or the stuffing, nothing "high profile". Monica: Ok, let's see... Oh, the cranberry sauce, it is easy to make and no-one really cares about it. Chandler: Tell me more. Monica: Okay, I'm gonna go check on something across the hall. You start by washing these Chandler: You obviously haven't tasted my Palmolive potatoes! Ross: Hey! Hey, guess what Joey has! Joey: Three tickets to today's Rangers game!! Ross: Dude, I wanted him to guess. Joey: Oh. Chandler: Oh my God! Joey: Yeah, they're great seats too! Ross: Guess where they are? Joey: Center ice. Ross: Did I do something to you? Chandler: Hmm, the game's at one. Ross: So? Chandler: Dinner is at four, we'll never gonna make it back. Joey: So we'll leave before it's over, we'll be back in time. Chandler: You say that now, but it could take us a long time to get back home. Plus Joey could get lost and and they could have to page us to go pick him up. Joey: Dude, two times that happened! Chandler: Look, Monica has been working hard all day, she didn't wanna host this thing in the first place, we shouldn't go! Ross: He's right, man. Joey: Right, I guess. Alright, so see you at four. Chandler: Okay. And get ready to taste my very special cranberries. Or should I say... chanberries! Joey: That's some gentle comedy, dude. Ross: We're still going at the game, right? Joey: Yeah! Ross: Yeah. Host: This is contestant number sixteen, Rebecca... Phoebe: Hey. Rachel: Oh Phoebe, listen. Well, I think we gotta go. This place is really freaking me out. I've been watching this guy over there, I don't think he came with a kid! Phoebe: We can't leave now! There was this one baby, Haley, who was favourite to win and she got croup, so she had to stay home! This competition just blew wide open, folks! Rachel: Phoebe, I think... It's just too weird, I just saw a one year old running around with pantyhose on! Phoebe: Oh, I know, we should have been more prepared. It's okay. Now, the way I see it, our real competition now is Cameron. Oh my God, they just took her sweater off. Look at those arms! Hello Michelin Man. Rachel: Oh, Phoebe! Come on! You know what, it's already three o'clock and they haven't even gotten to Emma's group yet. We gotta go, we got dinner! Phoebe: But Emma's got what it takes, she could go all the way! Rachel: Phoebe, you have to calm down. Phoebe: Okay. Rachel, the hottest babies in the Tri-State Area are in this room right now! I overheard one of the judges say that not one of them holds a candle to Emma! Rachel: Really? Phoebe: Yeah! Rachel: You heard them say that? Phoebe: Yeah! Rachel: All right, okay. Alright, let's give to these babies something to cry about! Phoebe: Good! Oh yay! Let's get down to business! Emma needs some makeup! Rachel: No, what? Phoebe: Well, she's gonna look all washed out next to the other contestants! Rachel: No Phoebe, I am not letting you put makeup on my baby! Phoebe: Why not! Rachel: Because I already did! Joey: Oh, Bob, get off the guy! Ross: Oh! What a game, huh? Joey: I know, yeah. Ross: I can't believe Chandler is missing this! Joey: Yeah. I am sorry he's not here too, but I got to say, I am really enjoying Nacho Chair. Ross: Yeah, I'd probably enjoy it more if you didn't keep batting my hand away. Joey: Ohhhh! These seats are great! Ross: I know, I know! When I was here for Holidays on Ice I was sitting so far away Michelle Kwan couldn't read my banner! Joey: Wow, hey, we'd better get going. If we don't leave right now, we'll be late for dinner. Ross: Oh, but it's a kind game! So we're a little late, you know, the girls will be there, let's stay just for one more goal. Joey: I don't know... Ross: One more fight! Joey: Okay. Ross: Okay. Monica: Where is everybody? They're forty-five minutes late! Chandler: I can't believe they are not here! I slave and I slave for what? They've ruined cranberry day! Joey: How late are we? Ross: Forty-five minutes. Joey: Wow Ross: Here! Joey: Okay. Rachel and Phoebe are already there, okay? So they probably started without us. We could just slip in and no-one needs to know where we were! Ross: You may want to lose the foam finger! Joey: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You just want to put it on your hand! Ross: Hey! Phoebe: Oh! Joey: You are not at Thanksgiving? Rachel: No... Phoebe: No, we're late! Rachel: What are you doing here! Ross: We're late too! Joey: We figured we could be late because you guys were gonna be on time Phoebe: Don't point that thing at me, Tribbiani! Ross: So, nobody's here? Monica's gonna kill us! Joey: Yeah, where were you! Ross: Yeah, yeah, what's with the trophy! Phoebe: Uh, we were at the Spelling Bee! Rachel: And I won! Ross: You won an adult Thanksgiving day spelling bee. Rachel: Yes! Y-E-S. Yes! Ross: Let me see this... Grand Supreme Little Darling, New York Division. Rachel: Yeah. That's me! Ross: You entered Emma into a Beauty Pageant? Phoebe: And it looks like she put makeup on her! Joey: Wait a second, wait a second, where have I seen that cowgirl outfit before... Ross: I can't believe this, she's our daughter! That you would treat her like some kind of showdog is inexcusable! Rachel: She won a thousand dollars! Ross: So this is an annual thing? Joey: Oh! That's Alicia Mae Emory's outfit! Phoebe: You guys, there are people in there who are not getting any happier! Ross: Yeah. What are we gonna do? Rachel: Well, I don't know, you guys figure it out, I got to put Emma down for a nap. Joey: All right. Hey Rach, while you're in there, throw something on Alicia Mae. Phoebe: Alright, what are we gonna say? Ross: Ooh, we'll say that we were mugged! You can't get mad at someone who's been mugged! Phoebe: Oh, good, that's good, but you don't look like you were mugged! Joey: No. Here Ross: HEY! Monica: Do you hear something? Chandler: They're out there! Monica: Ohhh! Let me see! Oh God, I can't believe this! They're an hour late and they're just staying out there, talking! Chandler: Everything is so distorted! Looks like Joey has a giant hand! Which says "Rangers" on it. They went to the game! Monica: Oooh! They are in for a world of pain! Chandler: Ross' shirt is torn. Monica: Oh! They're late and they're sloppy! Rachel: Alright, Emma is napping... what happened to your shirt? Ross: I got mugged. And they stole my pocket. Phoebe: We're just... we're trying to figure out an excuse. Hey! Ooh! How about this: We can say that Monica told us 5 o'clock, not 4 o'clock. That way we're right on time! OR... or, we can plant PCP in the apartment and call the cops on her. Ross: That would be a good way to get rid of all the PCP we have lying around. Rachel: You know what, we just say that she said it was 5 o'clock. We'll just act casual. We're not late, we're right on time. Ross: Joey: Who do you think its from? Rachel: Oh, God. This is bad. This is so bad. Ross: Well, let's just go in there and face them. Phoebe: Well, I'm not going in first. I bet that vein on Monica's forehead is popping like crazy. Joey: I hate that thing, it's like a... bolt of lightning. Rachel: Oh, hey, I have an idea. Why don't we play rock-paper-scissors, and whoever loses goes in first. . Joey: Ah-haah! I win!! Ross: What is that? Joey: That's fire. Beats everything. Phoebe: Oh, really? Does it beat water balloon? . Joey: Ooh! Well played, Phoebe Buffay, well played. Rachel: Alright, enough, enough, come on. Let's just all go in at the same time. All: Alright, okay. Phoebe: It's locked. Ross: Wha...? Oh sure, now they lock it, but when they're having sex on the couch, its like: "Come on in, my butt is surprisingly hairy". Rachel: Alright, come on... Alright, you guys. We're so sorry we're late. Please let us in, so we can have dinner together. Monica: No! Everything's cold. The turkey's dried out and the... the stuffing is all soggy. Chandler: Yeah, and there's a bowl of cranberry sauce that... what happens to cranberry sauce? Monica: Nothing. It's fine. Chandler: Oh thank God! Ross: Come on you guys, we're sorry, alri...? Our subway broke down. Chandler: That's a lie, you went to the game, I can see Joey's hand. Ross: Rachel: You guys, come on, it doesn't matter why we're late. We're all here now, please let us in so we can have some of your delicious turkey. Joey: I had a dream once about a fax machine that did that. Monica: That's all the turkey you're gonna get. Ross: How are we gonna decide who gets this? Joey: Phoebe: What are we gonna do? I'm starving. Rachel: Oh, I just remembered. We do have something to eat. Monica put something in our oven this morning. Phoebe: Oh yeah! Monica: Hey, you touch that and you will be sorry. Chandler: Guys, I'd listen to her. The vein is bigger than I've ever seen it. Rachel: Huh... OH MY GOD IT'S BRUSSELS SPROUTS. Ross: That's worse than no food. Chandler: HA-HA! All you got was Monica's stinky Brussels sprouts! Monica: Stinky?! Chandler: Please let me stay on this side of the door. Rachel: Oh, I know... I still have my old key! We can just unlock the door. Phoebe: Well, I don't know if that's such a good idea. They clearly don't want to be with us. Rachel: You know what? I don't want to be with them either, but it's Thanksgiving and we should not want to be together, together. Joey: Just get in there and make a face to face apology, you know? Look them in the eye. I know I can get them to forgive us. Ross: I don't know... Joey: I'm telling ya... I can do it. Ross: Yeah, he can do it! Rachel: Oh! Joey: Oh! It all looks so beautiful: the turkey, the stuffing... Chandler: The cranberries...? Monica: Oh! Enough! A monkey could have made 'em! Joey: Hey listen guys, we feel really terrible. Chandler: He's doing that weird eye contact thing. Don't look at him, don't look at him! Joey: Come on you guys, we want you to know we're Right guys? Ross: I feel terrible. Phoebe and Rachel: So, so sorry. Joey: Now let's not ruin this day. You worked so hard. Let's move past this and try to have a nice meal all together, huh? Chandler: The floating heads do make a good point. Monica: Yeah, they do seem to feel pretty bad. Rachel: So bad. Ross : So bad. Phoebe: So bad. Monica: go get the dessert. And I'll let you in. Rachel: Dessert? Monica: Yeah, I asked you and Phoebe to pick up the pies. You did remember, right? Phoebe: Pies, oh, we thought you said priiiize . Monica: Grand Supreme Little Darling? Rachel: Congratulatioooons! Monica: Oh my God! YOU FORGOT THE PIES? Well, I cannot believe this. You force me to make dinner, then you're an hour late and you forget the one little thing that I asked you to do. Ross: Really girls, not cool. Chandler: Well, you manheads aren't any better. You lied about going to the game. You knew it would make you late, and you still went anyway. Joey: Hey! I'm getting a little tired of this okay? We said we're sorry. It's Thanksgiving for Pete's sakes! A day of forgiveness! Ross: It's a day to be thankful. Joey: Don't make me come up there! Monica: It's too late for apologies. Joey: Fine! Let's just go. I don't need your stupid dinner. Chandler: That would be a lot more convincing if you weren't drooling. Rachel: Ewww, is that what that is? Joey: Sorry! Phoebe: Come on you guys, let's just do our own Thanksgiving. Rachel: Yeah! I'll cook! Ross: Yeah! Let's go out. Rachel: Hey! Joey: Yeah! You three have a nice Thanksgiving. Monica: The three of us? Joey: Yeah! You, Chan, and the vein! Joey: Ha! Joey: Oh-oh! I'm stuck! Monica: Joey, that is not gonna work. Joey: No seriously... I'm really wedged in here. Phoebe: I'll pull you through. Ross: Okay. Joey: aaw-ahhh-aaahhh STOP! STOP! I'm worried about damaging my head. Chandler: A little late for that. Joey: Alright, hurry up, you gotta do something. Monica: Alright, well, this does not change anything. Okay, we need to get something to grease the sides of his face. Chandler: Uhm, we've got turkey grease. Monica: Bring it. Joey: I just wanna say that I'm sorry I referred to the vein as a seperate person... Monica: Here you go! Joey: Oh, that smells good! Joey: Okay. Monica: Okay, try it. Joey: It isn't working. Monica: Alright, we're gonna have to unscrew the chain. Joey: Well hurry, I can't feel my ears! Chandler: Can you ever feel your ears? Joey: Interesting... Monica: Chandler, where are your tools? Chandler: Oh, I left them on my bulldozer... I don't have tools! Monica: I do, but Rachel borrowed them. Rachel: I lent them to Ross. Ross: I gave them to Joey. Joey: I left them at the park. Monica: Oh! Ross: I'm finding it really hard not to mess with him. Phoebe: I've already stuffed a bunch of Brussel sprouts down his pants. Ross: Nice! Monica: Okay, I have to get that. Now when I get back, I want you and your friends to be gone. Thanksgiving is over. The Vein has spoken. Joey: It's really starting to hurt. Chandler: Okay, look, I'm gonna pull on the door and you guys push as hard as you can. Maybe we can get enough room to wiggle him out, okay? Okay, so PUSH! Phoebe: Just a sec., we're kind in the middle of something here. Joey: Ooh! Stop putting things down my pants! Chandler: Come on guys, PUSH! Joey: Yeah! Come on! Joey and Chandler: PUSH! PUSH! PUSH! Chandler: My cranberries! Joey: Man, I've got food all over me. Chandler: Argh! I can't believe what you did. Monica's gonna kill you! Chandler: Look! Look! Look what the... Look what... Look what the floating heads did! Monica: I don't care. Chandler: What's going on? Monica: That was the adoption agency... Chandler: And? Monica: WE'RE GETTING A BABY! Chandler: Are you serious? Monica: There's a pregnant woman in Ohio, and she picked us! Rachel: I'm so happy for you! Monica: This Thanksgiving kicks last Thanksgiving's ass! COMMERCIAL BREAK Rachel: To Monica and Chandler... and that knocked up girl in Ohio. Ross: I'm just so happy you guys are finally getting a kid. Phoebe: I know. Have you considered pageanting? Monica: I can't believe they called, and we're actually getting a baby. Joey: Oh, I know how you feel... Rachel: Really? Joey: Sure. I went through the exact same thing with Alicia Mae Emory... The waiting, the wandering... Then one day... I get that call from Toys "R" Us... She was in stock! Chandler: That is the exact same thing. THE END Written by: Scott Silveri Produced by: Robert Carlock and Wendy Knoller Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa Final check by Kim Chandler: Hi! Ross: Hey! Monica: Hey! Chandler: We're just here to say goodbye, we're off to Ohio. Phoebe: Oh, right! Your adoption interview! Monica: Yep, we're gonna meet the lady who could be carrying our baby. Joey: I can't believe it. When you guys come back, you're gonna have a baby! That is so weird! Chandler: And so incorrect! Monica: She's only a couple of months pregnant. She liked our application but who knows if she's gonna like us. Ross: Come on, she's gonna love you guys! Chandler: Uhm, thank you, but we're really trying not to get our hopes up. Monica: And a lot could still get in our way. Chandler: Yeah. I mean, this girl could decide against adoption or she could like another couple better.. Phoebe: What are you gonna name the baby? Chandler: I can develop a condition in which I talk and talk and no one hears a word. Joey: But just think, ok? What if everything goes right? What if this woman does pick you guys? Monica: Oh my God. She's gonna pick us! Chandler: So we're standing firm on the 'not getting our hopes up'? Monica: You know, I know that things could still go wrong but if they don't? If this works out, we're gonna have a baby Chandler, a baby! Chandler: Yes, but... Monica: Oh my God, it's gonna WORK! We're gonna make it work! I'm gonna be a mummy and Chandler: Oh, screw it, I'm gonna be a daddy!! OPENING CREDITS Rachel: Hey, who's Phoebe with? Joey: I'm gonna say someone I'm gonna have sex with. Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Joey: So... who's your friend? Phoebe: Oh, that's Sarah. No, no. Don't you get any ideas, ok? No, I'm not setting you up with any more of my friends! Joey: OW, why, why, why? Phoebe: Because you'll date her once, sleep with her and then forget she exists! Joey: Oh, name one friend of yours that I did that with. Phoebe: Mandy. Joey: Mandy, uh? Uh... really hot blonde, big boobs? Phoebe: No. Joey: I know why I don't remember her, huh? Rachel: Do you think I'm someone else? Joey: Ok, I may not have treated your friends well in the past, but I have grown up a lot, really. Honest, Rach? Rachel: Well, believe it or not, it's true. When Joey and I were together, he was wonderful. He was thoughtful and mature. And for the one week that we went out, he didn't sleep with anybody else! Joey: Growth! Phoebe: Fine, I'll give you her number. Joey: Ok, thank you. And I promise you I will not forget this one. Mandy. Phoebe: SARAH! Joey: Saraaah. Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Ross: Hey you guys, I need some fashion advice. Rachel: Oh! Ross: How does this look? Rachel: Well, it's a little low... pick up a little... Now throw it away! Ross: C'mon! This looks good! Rachel: Ross, please, trust me. I buy 30 fashion magazines a month. Now, I don't know who's running for president or who that... NATO guy is, but I do know that you have to get as far away as you can from that hat. Ross: Damnit! I have this date tomorrow night and I have to look cool! Phoebe: Well, you know, if you want fashion help, Rachel and I are going shopping tomorrow. You're more than welcome to come with us, right? Ross: Really? That would be great. I mean, I have to do something, she kinda teased me about how I dress. Joey: I can see why, nice shirt! Ross: You're wearing the same shirt. Joey: Stupid Gap on every corner! Agency guy: Please, make yourself comfortable and I will back in a moment with Erica. Monica: Ok, thank you. Uh, well this is it. Are you OK? Chandler: Yeah. Just weird, you know. It's like: "Hi, I'm Chandler. May I have the human growing inside you?" Monica: Uh, we're gonna be great. Chandler: You're gonna be great. Monica: Well... obviously! Agency guy: Monica, Chandler. I'd like you to meet Erica. Monica: Hi. It is so, so nice to meet you. Erica: Hi... Chandler: Thank you so much for agreeing to see us. Erica: Hi. Agency guy: I'll let you get acquainted. Chandler: Ok. Erica: So, it's Monica and Chandler. I only know you as file 0W33815-D. Chandler: That's what our friends call us. Erica: Gosh, you know, you're just such an amazing couple. It's... kind of intimidating. Monica: I don't know about that. Erica: You're kidding me? I mean, it's enough that you are a doctor. But on top of it, you're married to a reverend? Chandler: I don't think that's exactly... Monica: Let her finish, doctor. Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Hey. Phoebe: Oh, my friend Sarah had a great time last night. Joey: Well... Phoebe: Yeah! So you're gonna call this one back? Joey: Nope. Phoebe: What are you talking about? Sarah's great! Joey: Oh, really? You know what your great friend did? We're out to dinner, ok? We're getting along, having a really nice time. I was thinking she was really cool. And then, out of nowhere... Phoebe: That’s it? That’s why you won’t go out with her again? So, she took some fries, big deal! Joey: Hey, hey, look! It’s not about a few fries... it’s about what the fries represent. Phoebe: What? Joey: ALL FOOD! Phoebe: I’m sorry, I can’t believe I set you up with such a MONSTER! Joey: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Look. I take a girl out, she can order whatever she wants! The more, the better! All right? Just don’t order a Garden salad and then eat my food! That’s a good way to lose some fingers! Phoebe: Oh Rachel: Hi Phoebe: Thank God you’re here. Listen to this! Rachel: what? Phoebe: Joey and my friend were out last night and having dinner and she reaches over and takes a few of his fries... Rachel: Oh! Oh, no! Phoebe: What? You know about the plate thing? Rachel: Oh, yeah. Joey doesn’t share food. I mean, just last week we were having breakfast and he had a couple of grapes on his plate and ... Phoebe: You wouldn’t let her have a grape? Rachel: Oh no! Not me! Emma! Joey: JOEY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD! Phoebe: Well, I still think that it’s a stupid reason not to call someone again. You are calling her! And if you need to, just get an extra plate of fries for the table! Joey: What were we talking about? Phoebe: This place is awesome! Ross: You know, we should just go, I’m not gonna find anything here! This stuff is ridiculous! Rachel: Ah, this place is great! Phoebe: Wow! Ross: Rach, come on, I’m not gonna wear any of this! . Rachel: Ross, look, I know that some of this stuff is out there, but I mean, come on, look at this, look at this sweater! . I mean, this is just beautiful! Ross: . Three hundred and fifty dollars? Rachel: Yeah, down from seven hundred, you are saving like two hundred bucks! Ross: Both logic and math are taking a serious hit today. Phoebe : Hey, check this out! It’s totally you! Ross: Wow! Phoebe: Yeah! Ross: Actually this looks like pretty good! Yeah! Boys will be boys? Phoebe: What? They will be! Ross: All right, that’s it, I’m getting out of here. Rachel: No, no, no, no! Ross, wait! Come on! You know, there’s other stuff. Here’s a nice shirt, look at these nice pants... Ross: Uh, actually these might look pretty good on me. Rachel: Yes, they will! You know what you should do? Just go take a walk, all right? I know your size and I’m... I’m gonna pick up some really good stuff for you. Ross: Really? Rachel: Yes! And I know what looks sexy on guys. Please, just wear what I suggest, and she’s gonna go nuts for you. Ross: So, you’re saying, uh, if I wear these pants I might be getting into hers? Rachel: Why do men keep talking to me like this? Chandler: So, the fact that I am a doctor, and my wife’s a reverend, that’s important to you? Erica: Yeah, I read some great applications, but then I thought “who better then a minister to raise a child!” Monica: Amen. Chandler: Plus I thought the baby would be in good hands with a doctor! Monica: Uh, good hands. Healing hands. Erica: Reverend, can I ask? Does the bible say anything about adoption? Monica: It says “Do it!”. And behold she did adopt onto them a baby. And it was good. Erica: Wow. Chandler: Yeah, wow. Erica: I was wondering you both have such serious jobs. Would you have time to take care of a baby and your flock? Monica: Oh, you know, my flock is good, I mean, yeah, my flock pretty much takes care of themselves at this point. Good flock. Flock, flock, flock. Erica: Being a doctor must take up a lot of time. Chandler: No-ot for me it doesn’t. Agency guy: So, how’s everything going in here? Erica: We’re great, I think I may have asked all my questions. Agency guy: Do you have any question for Erica? Chandler: Yeah, actually. So, you read a file that you liked and you gave the agency the serial number and they contacted us? Agency guy: Yes, our system assures total anonimity. We’re very proud of it. Chandler: You should be. You’re really on top of stuff.. Agency guy: Well, then if there’s nothing else, then the two of us should talk. Erica: Actually, I don’t think we have to. Monica: We don’t? Erica: Yeah, when I read about you two, I was pretty sure I wanted you, but I just thought we should meet face to face. . I've made my decision. I choose them. Monica: Oh my God, this is great! This is so great! . Did you hear that? Chandler: Yeah, I did. Monica: . You are SO going to Heaven! Rachel: We got some really great stuff! Phoebe: Yeah, yeah but I am not sure about some of the bra's I got. Rachel: Oh! Really? Do you wanna try some of them on for me? Phoebe: Oh! okay. Wait, are we in Joey's imagination? Rachel: Oh no! I took one of Ross' bags by mistake, and one of mine is missing. Phoebe: oh, well, Ross probably has it, you can get it from him later. Ross: Joey: I think were not wearing the same shirt anymore!! Ross: Yeah! Yeah! Rachel picked it out for me. She told me to trust her and you know what? I'm glad I did! I turned quite a few heads on my way over here. Joey: Dude, I really don't think you should be wearing that. Ross: Oh, I see, somebody is afraid of a little competition with the ladies? Joey: Looks like someone IS the ladies!! Ross: You're just jealous because you couldn't pull this off. Yeah, now if you'll excuse me ALL eyes on ME!   Chandler: We are NOT signing those papers. Monica: Why not? Chandler: It's wrong. They made a mistake. They think we're somebody else. Monica: God works in mysterious ways. Chandler: You have gotta stop! Monica: But she liked us. Chandler: She likes Doctor Chandler and Reverend Monica. Monica: Well, if you think about it, I am kind of like a Reverend. I mean, as a chef, I serve God, by feeing the hungry and poor. Chandler: Your Veal Chop is $34,95! Monica: C'mon Chandler, I think we have been given an opportunity. I mean, the mistake has already been made. They are writing up the paper right now. Chandler: But we are not the one she chose! How can you feel okay about this? Monica: Because... We may not be who she thinks we are but no-one will ever love that baby more than us. Chandler: I know.. Monica: I mean, who knows how long it's gonna take for someone else to give us a baby? What if, what if no one ever picks us? Chandler: oh, honey.. Monica: Please.. please, we are so close. Chandler: Monica, I want a baby too, but this woman is giving away her child. She deserves to know who it's going to. Monica: Chandler: So, we'll tell the truth and who knows, maybe she'll like us for us. Monica: Maybe she will. Uh! Why couldn't I have been a Reverend? Chandler: You're Jewish. Monica: Technicality! Waiter: A garden salad for the lady Joey: Oh, that looks great! Good ordering! Waiter: Seafood platter for the gentleman and extra fries. Enjoy! Sarah: Mmmh, those fries look delicious. Joey: oh, I didn't know you liked French fries. Help yourself! What's mine is yours. Sarah: Oh wow, are those stuffed clams? Joey: Uuuh.. yes, they are my stuffed clams. Joey: How about those fries though, huh? Sarah: They are delicious Joey: You are beautiful, you know that? Sarah: Oh, that is so sweet.. Joey: Oh Joey: NOW look what you did!! Sarah: What? what is the matter with you? Joey: I don't like it when people take food off of my plate, okay? Sarah: But you just said "What's mine is yours"? Joey: WELL, I DIDN'T MEAN IT! Sarah: Fine, I'm sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal. Joey: I'm sorry, I'm overreacting. Okay, It's just when it comes to food, I have certain rules, okay, I mean . Girl: Wow, this place looks great. Ross: Oh! You are gonna love it! and I'm so glad, we're finally doing this. Girl: Me too! Ross: Here Joey: I really am sorry about, you know..before. I just want to make sure you know that I really do like you. Sarah: Sure Just not as much as clams. Joey: Well, stuffed clams. Waiter: Chocolate Torte for the lady, cheesecake for the gentleman. Joey: Uh, excuse me sir, there seems to be some sort of red crap on my cheesecake. Waiter: Yes, that's Raspberry coule. Joey: Sarah: Joey: Oh, all right, I'll just have what she's having instead. Waiter: Oh, I'm sorry sir, that was our last piece. Sarah: Mmmm! Mmm! Sarah: Oh, no! This is work. I should call in. Can you excuse me? Joey: Oh yeah, sure. No problem. Sarah: What are you doing? I thought you don't share food. Joey: Sure I do. Coule? Sarah: No. If I can't have your clams, you can't have my dessert. This is a two way street. Joey: Really? Sarah: Really! Now this all better be here when I come back. Joey: Yeah, of course. I can control myself. Joey: Stop staring at me! Joey: Why, just a tiny little... Joey: Oh-oh! TIME LAPSE Joey: I'm not even sorry. Erica: Hi! Adoption Agency guy: Hey. Chandler: Hey. Agency guy: So, these are the preliminary forms for an open adoption. There's a lot to go over, but I'll explain everything as we go through it. Monica: I-Is... Is that a picture? Erica: Yeah. It's a sonogram they took of the baby last week. I thought you might want to see it. Monica: Look, doctor! Agency guy: I don't understand. Chandler: The agency must have made some mistake. My wife is not a reverend and I'm not a doctor. Erica: What? Agency guy: That's impossible. Chandler: I could perform an operation on you and prove it if you'd like. Agency guy: I'll go check your file. Excuse me. Erica: So who are you? Chandler: Well, our names really are Monica and Chandler. We're from New York. Monica: Yeah, but the important thing to know about us, is how much we would care for this little baby. Erica: So you lied to me before? Monica: Well, we... "bore false witness"... See I could be a reverend. Erica: I can't believe this. Monica: But we were hoping that since we told you the truth that you still might consider... Erica: Giving you my baby? You think I'd give you my child after this? Monica: Well, you don't have to decide right now, but if you could just look at our file... Erica: I don't want to look at your file! This is over. Chandler: Erica wait! Erica: I've nothing to say to you. Chandler: You have every reason to be upset. We did lie. But only because we've been waiting and trying to have a baby for so long. Now we don't know how long it's gonna be before we can get another chance again. Erica: Why don't you ask the reverend to pray on it? Chandler: Erica, please. Just consider us. Ask them to see our file. Our last name's Bing. My wife's a chef and I'm in advertising. Erica: Oh yeah. I actually liked you guys. But it doesn't matter, because what you did was wrong. Chandler: But you did like us. And you should. My wife's an incredible woman. She's loving and devoted and caring. And don't tell her I said this but the woman's always right... I love my wife more than anything in this world. And I... It kills me that I can't give her a baby... I really want a kid. And when that day finally comes, I'll learn how to be a good dad. But my wife... she's already there. She's a mother... without a baby... Please? Chandler: You still want that baby? Monica: God bless you Chandler Bing! COMMERCIAL BREAK Ross: Turns out this sweater is made for a woman. Joey: So, why are you still wearing it? Ross: Because it's soft... Hey, so how was your date? Joey: Ooh... Not so good. Ross: Well, looks like it's just the two of us tonight, huh old buddy? Joey: Yeah, and you know what? We could do a lot worse. Joey: JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD! end Written by: Doty Abrams Produced by: Wendy Knoller Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa Flashback clips transcribed by: Guineapig, Dan Silverstein, Ruth Curran, Eric Aasen and Mindy Mattingly Phillips, and compiled by Eleonora. Final check by Kim Monica: Mmh... this cake is amazing! Rachel: My God, get a room! Monica: I would get a room with this cake. I think I could show this cake a good time! Phoebe: If you had to, what would you give up, food or sex? Monica: Sex! Chandler: Seriously, answer faster! Monica: Oh, I'm sorry honey, you know, but when she said "sex" I wasn't thinking about "sex with you"! Chandler: It's like a giant hug. Phoebe: Ross, how about you. What would you give up, sex or food? Ross: Food. Phoebe: Ok, how about... uhm... sex or dinosaurs? Ross: Oh my God. It's like Sophie's Choice. Rachel: Oh God. What about you, Joe? What would you give up, sex or food? Joey: Uhm... oh... I don't know, it's too hard. Rachel: No, you gotta pick one! Joey: Oh... food. No, sex. Food! Sex! Food! Se-I don't know! Good God, I don't know, I want girls on bread! OPENING CREDITS Rachel: You gotta see these latest pictures of Emma. Phoebe: Oh, how cute! Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: Oh, she looks just like a little doll! Rachel: Oh, no, no. That is a doll. Phoebe: Oh, thank God, 'cause that thing's really creepy! Rachel: Oh. Who is the blonde, she's pretty. Phoebe: OH! He's having an affair. Rachel: He's not having an affair! Phoebe: You know, I'm always right about these things. Rachel: No, you're not! Last week you thought Ross was trying to kill you! Phoebe: Well, I'm sorry but it's hard to believe that anyone would tell a story that dull just to tell it! See, there's something going on with them. Look, he's getting into the car with her! Rachel: Oh, that doesn't mean anything. Phoebe: Oh yeah? Well, let's see. Chandler: Hello. Phoebe: Oh, hi Chandler. It's Phoebe. Uhm... I know that Monica is working today so... ...I was wondering if you want to come to the movies with me and Rachel. Chandler: Oh, uhm... I have to work too. Yeah, I'm stuck at the office all day. Phoebe: Oh, well, it's a shame that you-that you miss the movie 'cause we were gonna see, you know, either "Liar, Liar" or "Betrayal", or... "An Affair To Remember". Chandler: Those are all really old! Phoebe: Ok, then maybe it'll be, uhm... Rachel: "Dude, Where's My Car?" Phoebe: What? Rachel: They're in a caaar... Phoebe: Okay, we-we'll talk to you later. Okay, bye. Rachel: Geez! Phoebe: Ok. Quick. We gotta find a cab and follow them. Rachel: Oh, yeah, ok. Let me just grab my night vision goggles and my stun gun. Phoebe: I got them! Chandler: Hi! Monica: Hey! You smell like perfume and cigarettes. Chandler: I was in the car with Nancy all day. Monica: Nancy doesn’t smoke! Chandler: Well, at least the perfume is not mine, be thankful for that! Monica: So? What do you think of the house? Chandler: It’s perfect. It’s everything we’ve been looking for. Monica: Isn’t it? Then what about the amazing wainscotting and the crown molding and the dormer windows in the attic? Chandler: And the wiggle wharms and the zip zorps? What were the things you said? Monica: Don’t you love the huge yard? Chandler: And the fireplace in the bedroom. Monica: And Nancy said that it's really under price, because the guy lost his job and has to move in with his parents! Chandler: This is bringing out a lovely color in you! Monica: So? Do you think we should get it? Chandler: I don’t know. What do you think? Monica: I think we should. Chandler: I do too. Monica: This is huge! Chandler: I know. Monica: How bad you wanna smoke, right now. Chandler: I don’t know what you mean, giant talking cigarette! Oh, by the way, Phoebe called just as I was getting into Nancy’s car, so if she asks you, I was at work all day. Monica: Gotcha. When do we tell them about this? Chandler: We don’t. Not until it's a hundred percent. I mean, why upset everybody over nothing. Monica: Okay. Right. Oh my God that is gonna be so hard. Chandler: I know. Gooooood luck with it. Ross: I just can’t see Chandler cheating! Rachel: I’m telling you guys, we followed them out to a house in Westchester, the went in for like forty-five minutes and then they came out looking pretty happy! Joey: Chandler? Forty-five minutes? Well, something is not right. I just can’t believe he would do this to Monica! Ross: I know, and with the baby coming? Phoebe: So, should we tell her? Ross: I don’t know. Phoebe, if one of us saw Mike with another woman would you want us to tell you? Phoebe: Why? Who’d you seen him with? Ross: No one, I’m just saying if... Phoebe: TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW! Ross: I know nothing! Mike’s a great guy, it was hypothetical! Phoebe: All right. . He is a good guy. You’re right, he wouldn’t cheat. Ross: Believe me, if I did see with someone, there’s no way I... Phoebe : WHO DID YOU SEE HIM WITH? Rachel: Oh, look at her, so happy! Monica: If only there were a smaller one to clean this one! Joey: Hey, is uhm... is Chandler here? Monica: No, he’s picking up dinner, why, what’s up? Phoebe: Well, look, whatever happens, we’re here for you and we love you. Monica : All right... Ross: We think Chandler might be having an affair. Monica: What? Rachel: Phoebe and I saw Chandler with a blonde woman today outside on the street and then we followed them to a house in Westchester. Phoebe: They went in together. So sorry. Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God that’s awful! What did you think of the house? Phoebe: What? Joey: Monica, you understand what we are saying, right? Monica: Yeah, sure... uhm, I'm devastated, obviously... Chandler: Hey! Joey: You son of a bitch! Chandler: Is it me, or have the greetings gone downhill around here? Monica: Phoebe and Rachel saw you with Nancy today and... em... they think you're having an affair. Rachel: Who's Nancy? Ross: What's going on? Monica: Ok, alright, you guys, you'd better sit down, this is pretty big. Chandler: Yeah I'm not having an affair. Nancy is our realtor. Joey: I knew he couldn't be with a woman for 45 minutes!! Phoebe: Why do you have a realtor? Monica: Uhm, she has been showing us houses outside of the city. Joey: What? Rachel: Are you serious? Monica: When we found out that we're gonna get this baby, Chandler and I started talking and we decided that we didn't want to raise a kid in the city. Phoebe: So you're gonna move? Ross: Oh my God. Joey: Shouldn't we all vote on stuff like this?! Rachel: What is wrong with raising a kid in the city? I'm doing it, Ross is doing it, Sarah Jessica Parker is doing it! Monica: And that's great for you guys, but we want a lawn and a swingset... Chandler: ...and a street where our kids can ride their bikes and maybe an ice-cream truck can go by. Ross: So you wanna buy a house in the 50's? Phoebe: Have you thought about what you would be giving up? You can't move out of the city, what if you want Chinese food at 5am? Or a fake Rolex that breaks as soon as it rains or an Asian hooker sent right to your door? Ross: You know what, if you wanna look for a house, that's okay. Joey: No, no, it's not, don't listen to him! Ross: , but you're going to realize, this is the only place, you wanna be. Chandler: Actually, we already found a house we love. Ross: What? Monica: And about an hour ago, we made an offer. Chandler: Bet you wish I was having an affair now, huh? TIME LAPSE Ross: You put an offer on a house? Monica: Phoebe: Wha..? Again with the nature, what are you? Beavers? Chandler: I know this is really hard and we're really sorry. Joey: Is this because I come over here without knocking and eat your food? I really, really think I can! Chandler: Monica: We think if you saw it, you'd understand. I mean you guys were there. It is beautiful, isn't it? Rachel: Yeah it is. Joey: What the hell are you doin'? Rachel: Well, it is, all right? When we were out there today, all I kept thinking was: I can't believe Chandler is screwing this woman, but MAN this would be a nice place to live! Phoebe: Yeah, but so is this. Ross: Yeah, I mean, if you moved there, you have to leave here. I mean, how can you leave this place? Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! All of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I don't want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying that I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy! Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble. Rachel: Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica. Monica: Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica... Ross: That money is mine, Green! Rachel: You're fly is open, Geller! Phoebe: You guys, you know what I just realized? 'Joker' is 'poker' with a 'J.' Coincidence? Chandler: Hey, that's...'joincidence' with a 'C'! Phoebe: Eww, look. Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles. Rachel: Ow, that had to hurt! Phoebe: Hey, it’s your Thanksgiving too, y'know, instead of watching football, you could help. The Guys: We will. Monica: Okay, Rachel, you wanna put the marshmallows in concentric circles. Rachel: No Mon, you want to put them in concentric circles. I want to do this. Monica: Every year. Joey: It's stuck!!! Phoebe: Easy. Step. How did it get on? Joey: I put it on to scare Chandler! Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica's gonna totally freak out! Joey: It smells really bad in here. Phoebe: Well, of course it smells really bad. You have your head inside a turkey's ass! Monica: Hey, did you get the turkey bast-Oh my God! Oh my God! Who is that? Joey: It's Joey. Monica: I got it! How about, if we win, they have to get rid of the rooster? Rachel: Oooohh that’s interesting. Chandler: If you win, we give up the birds. Joey: Chandler: But if we win, we get your apartment. Joey: Oooooh! Monica: Deal! TIME LAPSE Ross: What was Monica’s nickname when she was a field hockey goalie? Joey: Big fat goalie. Ross: Correct. Rachel claims this is her favorite movie… Chandler: Dangerous Liaisons. Ross: Correct. Her actual favorite movie is... Joey: Weekend at Bernie’s. Ross: Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there? Joey: Everyday use. Chandler: Fancy. Joey: Guest. Chandler: Fancy guest. Ross: Two seconds... Joey: Uhh, 11! Ross: 11, unbelievable, 11 is correct. Ross: Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl’s breast? Rachel: 14? Ross: No, 19. Chandler: Thanks man. Ross: Joey had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was? Monica: Maurice. Ross: Correct, his profession was? Rachel: Space cowboy! Ross: Correct! What is Chandler Bing’s job? Rachel: Ow...Oh Gosh! Ross: 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game. Monica: It’s umm, it has something to do with transponding. Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, he’s a transponce—transpondster! Monica: That’s not even a word! Monica: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! TIME LAPSE Rachel: Y’know what, you are mean boys, who are just being mean! Joey: Hey, don’t get mad at us! No one forced you to raise the stakes! Rachel: That is not true. She did! She forced me! Monica: Hey, we would still be living here if hadn’t gotten the question wrong! Rachel: Well it stupid, unfair question! Ross: Don’t blame the questions! Chandler: Would you all stop yelling in our apartment! You are ruining moving day for us! Ross: Chandler!!! Chandler!!! Chandler, I saw what you were doing through the window! Chandler, I saw what you were doing to my sister! Now get out here! Chandler: Monica: Hey Ross. What's up bro? Ross: What the hell are doing?!! Rachel: Hey, what's-what's going on?! Chandler: Well, I think, I think Ross knows about me and Monica. Joey: Dude! He's right there! Ross: I thought you were my best friend, this is my sister! My best friend and my sister! I-I cannot believe this! Chandler: Look, we're not just messing around! I love her. Okay, I'm in love with her. Monica: I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way. I'm sorry, but iit-t's true, I love him too. Ross: Monica: Well, this is the last box of your clothes. I’m just gonna label it, "What were you thinking?" Rachel: Funny, because I was just gonna go across the hall and write that on Chandler. Phoebe: Ok, you guys, I don’t mean to make things worse, but umm, I don’t want to live with Rachel anymore. Monica and Rachel: What?! Phoebe: You’re just so mean to each other! And I don’t want to end up like that with Rachel. I still like you! Rachel: Well, Phoebe that’s fine because I’m not moving. Monica: Whoa-whoa-whoa, Phoebe you gotta take her! Y’know, I-I-I said some really bad stuff about her, but y’know Rachel has some good qualities that make her a good roommate. She gets tons of catalogs and umm, she’ll fold down the pages of the things she thinks that I’d like. Phoebe: What else? Monica: When I take a shower, she leaves me little notes on the mirror. Rachel: Yeah, I do. I-I do, do that. Phoebe: That’s nice. I like having things to read in the bathroom. Monica: When I fall asleep on the couch after reading, she covers me over with a blanket. Rachel: Well y’know, I don’t want you to be cold. Monica: And when I told her that I was gonna be moving in with Chandler, she was really supportive. TIME LAPSE Chandler: Hey. Monica: She really left. Chandler: I know. Monica: Thank you. Chandler: No problem roomie. Monica: Can I ask you a question? Chandler: Sure! Monica: What the hell is that dog doing here?! Chandler: Little toast here. I know this isn't exactly the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if you'd gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been with your family, if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked. All: That's so sweet. Ross: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas. Rachel: And a crappy New Year. Chandler: Here, here! Rachel: You can't move. You just... you just can't. Joey: Rachel's right. This is where you guys belong. Phoebe: Yeah, you don't wanna live in Westchester. That's like the worst of the Chesters. Ross: You know, sometimes when I'm alone in my apartment, I look over here and you guys... are just having dinner or... watching TV or something, but... it makes me feel better. And now when I look over, who am I gonna see? The Gottliebs, the Yangs? They don't make me feel so good. Rachel: Yeah. So don't move, okay? Just stay here and... maybe close your blinds at night. Chandler: Hello? It's Nancy, they responded to our offer. Monica: And? Chandler: They passed. They said they wouldn't go a penny under the asking price. Monica: We can't afford that. Chandler: I know. Monica: Well, there you go. Joey: I'm really sorry you guys. Ross: Yeah. I'm sorry too. I'm even more sorry that that phone call didn't come before I told you about looking through the window. Rachel: Yeah, we're gonna let you be alone. Phoebe: You're gonna be okay? Monica: Yeah, we'll be okay. Ross: Love you guys. Joey: You know, I'm really sorry I wasn't more supportive before. Chandler: That's okay, we understand. Joey: And about this Nancy thing... If you're not sleeping with her, should I? Monica: I know there'll be other houses, but it's just so... I love that one so much. Chandler: Yeah... Well, it's a good thing we got it then. Monica: What? Chandler: We got the house. Monica: Oh my God! Chandler: I just didn't want to tell you in front of them. Monica: Oh my God! My God! We've got the house !? Chandler: We're getting the house. We're getting the house. Monica: And a baby... Chandler: We're growing up. Monica: We sure are. Chandler: So who's gonna tell them? Monica: Not it! Chandler: Not it! Damn it! COMMERCIAL BREAK Monica: Rachel, this is yours. Rachel: Aah! Why? What are these for? Chandler: You'll see. Monica: All right, everybody open them! Rachel: Ooh! Oh wow this is so beautiful. Phoebe: Oh! These are the ones I was looking at in the store. Monica: I know. Ross: I love this. Joey: A meatball Sub? Thanks! Ross: Seriously you guys, what's going on? What are these for? Chandler: Well, I didn't know how to tell you before, but... We got the house. Monica: Enjoy! Joey: What did they say? THE END Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa Final check by Kim Joey: Hey guys! Monica: Hey, let me tell them! Joey: Sure. Monica: Joey is gonna be a celebrity guest on a game show! Phoebe: Great! Ross: Really? Which one? Monica: Ohh! Fish, seaweed, a sunken ship. Ross: Things you find in the ocean, You're gonna be on "Pyramid"!! Monica: Oh, that was our favourite game show ever! Ross: Except for "Match game"... Monica: Or "Win, Lose or Draw". Chandler: What did I marry into? Joey: Would you guys want to come down tomorrow and watch me tape the show? Monica: Oh, I can't. We're throwing Phoebe a bachelorette party. Phoebe: Yeah, sorry boys, this ride's closing. Ross: Oh, and Chandler and I have this stupid college alumni thing. I can't believe you get to meet Donny Osmond. Joey: Seriously? Ross: Yeah-uh! Monica: Ross and I always wanted to be Donny and Marie. Chandler: You guys just keep getting cooler and cooler! Monica: Yeah, we used to perform for our family and friends. Rachel: Oh God, that's right. I blocked that out. Monica: "I'm a little bit country"... Ross: "...and I'm a little bit rock 'n' roll"! Chandler: I'm leaving you. OPENING CREDITS Ross: So weird to see all these people again... Oh my God, look, there's Geoffrey Cleric. Chandler: Who? Ross: He was roommates with John Rosoff. He went out with Andrea Tamburino. She dumped him for Michael Skloff. Chandler: Did I go to this school? Ross: Hey, there's Missy Goldberg. You gotta remember her. Chandler: Sure, nice. Ross: Dude. You're married to my sister. Chandler: You're right, by saying "nice" I'm virtually licking her. Ross: Hey, I hear she's single again, d'you think I should ask her out? Chandler: Are you asking permission to break the pact? Ross: Yes please. Ross: Hey. Hey, check out the flyers for the band. I made 'em on a Macintosh in the computer room! Chandler: Awesome, the name really stands out. Ross: Thanks to a little something called "Helvetica Bold 24 point"! Chandler: Man, we're gonna rock that Asian student union! Missy: Hey guys! Chandler: Hey! Ross: Hey, Missy... Chandler: You know, our band is playing on Friday. Ross: Yeah, yeah. You should come check us out. We're called "Way! No Way!". Missy: No way! Chandler and Ross: Way! Missy: Right. I'll be there. Chandler: Fresh! Ross: Boss! Chandler: Mint! Ross: She's gone. Chandler: I know it. You know, I'm totally gonna ask her out. Ross: Dude, I was gonna ask her out. Chandler: I said it first, bro. Ross: Well, I thought it first, Holmes. Chandler: Look, if you did... Ross: Woha! Wait... What are we doing? What we have is too important to mess it up over some girl. I mean, we can get laid anytime we want. Chandler: Totally. I had sex in High school... Ross: Me too. I'm good at it. Chandler: All right, I'd say we make a pact. Neither of us will go out with Missy Goldberg. Ross: You got it. Chandler: All right, so that's Missy Goldberg, Phoebe Cates and Molly Ringwald, who neither of us can go out with. Ross: Those are the pacts! Chandler: Oh, and Sheena Easton. But we probably couldn't get her anyway. Ross: Oh, oh... maybe not you! Chandler: Well, I officially give you permission to break the pact. Ross: Thank you. All right, here I go. Hey, remember how scary it used to be going up to girls in college? Chandler: Your hands are shaking. Ross: I know, and I can't stop sweating. Voice: Five! Four! Three! Applause! Donny Osmond: Yeah! Welcome, it is Soap Opera week here on Pyramid, let's meet our contestants. First, Gene Lester is a database specialist, he's gonna be playing with "Days of Our Life's" star Joey Tribbiani! Joey: Only better looking and richer. Donny: ...should be playing with the star of "General Hospital" Leslie Charleson. Welcome everybody. Good luck to all of you. Let's play Pyramid. All right? Now... we flipped a coin before the show, Gene, you won the toss, so you're gonna start. Which category would you like? Gene: I'll take "You crossed the line". Donny: You crossed the line. Joey, describe for Gene these things that have lines. Give me 20 seconds on the clock, please. Ready, go! Joey: Oh! I see-I see what I did. Yeah, ok, ok, uhm... I'm writing in my... Gene: Diary. Joey: Noo, In high school, I once had sex with a girl right in the middle of the... Gene: Cafeteria. Joey: Yeah! But that is not what they're looking for. OOOH! Phoebe: Thank you so much for this. Rachel: Oh, d'you like it? Phoebe: Oh my God, it's all so elegant! When's the dirty stuff starting? Rachel: What? Phoebe: You know, the strippers, and the guys dancing, and you know, pee-pee's flying about. Rachel: Pheebs, I... there isn't gonna be any flying about! We actually thought we were a little too mature for stuff like that. Phoebe: Oh, ok. I see what you're doing, that's fine. This is all there is, just tea, uh, ok. Hmmmm... raunchy! Rachel: Seriously Pheebs, it's not gonna be that kind of a party. Phoebe: Really? So this is... this is my big send off in the married life? Rachel this is the only bachelorette party I'm ever gonna have! I've got a big wad of ones in my purse! Really? I mean, really? It's just tea? Rachel: Nooo! Phoebe, of course there is more! I mean, I'll just go and talk to Monica and get an ETA on the pee-pee's! Donny: Now Gene I must remind you, you need all six of these to stay in the game, all right? Describe for Joey things you find in your refrigerator. Joey: Ahaha, he might as well just give us the points. Donny: Give me twenty seconds on the clock. Ready? Go! Gene: You put this in your coffee. Joey: A spoon. Your hands. Your face! Gene: It's white! Joey: Paper, snow, a ghost! Gene: It's heavier then milk! Joey: A rock, a dog, the earth. Gene: Pass! Gene: You put this on a sandwich. Joey: Salami, anchovies, jam! Gene: It's white! Joey: Paper, snow, a ghost! Gene: It's made from eggs! Joey: Chickens? Gene: Pass! Joey: Oh! Gene: You put this on a hamburger! Joey: Ketchup! Gene: Yes! Joey: Relish! Gene: Stop! Joey: Oh. Donny: Oh, time's up! Joey! You were, uh, almost on a roll there... Joey: Yeah... Donny: Uh, Gene, you're gonna have a chance to go to the winner circle in the second half. But right now Henrietta you are going to the winner circle to try your luck for ten thousand dollars, right after this, don't go away. Stage Manager : And we're out! Joey: Oh, so we didn't win, but it's fun to play the game, right? Gene: Hey! I got a kid starting college. I've to get surgery on my knee, you just lost me ten grand! Joey: Oh, wow! I'm so sorry, ok? I promise, we'll do better next time! Gene: Well, I will, because I won't be playing with you. Joey: Hey, you know, some of those are pretty hard! Like why would there be a ghost in my fridge? . Yeah! Ross: So, Saturday night! Missy: I'd love to! Ross: Great! Missy: So how come it took you so long to ask me out? Ross: Oh, well, uh, this is gonna sound kinda silly, but, do you remember my roommate Chandler Bing? Missy: Sure, he was in your "band"? Ross: It's been sixteen years but the air quotes still hurt. Missy: Sorry. Ross: That's ok. Uh, anyway, well he and I both really liked you a lot, uhm, but we didn't want anything to jeopardize our friendship, so we kinda made a pact, that neither of us could ask you out! Missy: Really? Ross: Yeah, why? Missy: Well, Chandler and I used to make out! A lot! Ross: You did? Missy: Yeah. We'd go to the science lab after hours! Ross: AND ON MY TURF? Monica: Hey, where is this guy, it's been over an hour! Rachel: Well, he's coming from Jersey, he said he would get here as fast as he could! Monica: Who is it? Man: It's the police! Rachel: Uh! The police! Phoebe: Oh! Man: That's right, it's officer Goodbody. Monica: What's the matter, officer? Has someone been bad? Roy, the male stripper: Whoo, that's a lot of stairs! COMMERCIAL BREAK Roy: Ooh, boy. You should warn people there's no elevator! I should not have had that Mexican food for lunch. Monica: Are you gonna be ok, officer, uhm,... Roy: Goodbody! Monica: ...If-you-say-so. Roy: So where's the young lady who I'm supposed to take Phoebe: Oh, God! Roy: All right, somebody show me where to plug in my box, and we'll get this party started! Here? All right. Phoebe: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah? Phoebe: Are you kidding? Rachel: All right, look, we did not know that you wanted a stripper so we went to the phonebook and we got the first name we could find! Phoebe: How old is your phonebook? Monica: Oh my God, this man is gonna get naked in my apartment! Phoebe: Oh God no, I don't wanna see him take his clothes off! Roy: Are you talking about me? Monica: Oh, no! I mean, obviously we want to see you take your clothes off! You big piece of eye candy! Roy: Ok, ok, ladies! Can I have your attention, please? I hope you're familiar with the States penal code, ok, ok, enough teasing. Now for some pleasing! Roy: Whoa, whoa, whoa . She cringed! Phoebe: This is how I look when I'm turned on! Roy: You were talking about me before! Look, I don't need this! I'm outta here! Where's my hat? Look, I've been in this business for a long time! Phoebe: Shocking! Roy: Now if you just pay me my three hundred dollars, I'll be on my way! Phoebe: Three hundred dollars, are you kidding? Rachel: No, that's ok, let's me just get my check book! Phoebe: No, you're not gonna pay him, he didn't do anything! Roy: Didn't do anything? I took a bus all the way from Hoboken. I climbed ... I dunno... like a billion stairs... It's not like I can take them two at a time! Phoebe: I don't care. We're not paying you 300 dollars for this. Roy: Well, look - it's not my fault if you're too uptight to appreciate the male form in all it's glory. Phoebe: Oh yeah, okay. I'm uptight. Yeah, that's why I don't want to watch a middle aged guy dance around in what I can only assume is a child halloween costume! Roy: I may have borrowed this from my nephew, but let me assure you, what's underneath ... is all man. Phoebe: I'm sorry, did you say all man or old man? Roy: Oh, you're mean! Monica: Uh, look, officer... uhm Sir... Roy: Damnit. OH! Big surprise! The hunk of beef has feelings! Donny: Ok Henrietta, you've picked Jack and Jill went up the hill. Joey: Donny: Joey describe these things associated with the United States congress. Give me 20 seconds on the clock please. Ready? Go! Joey: Oh, .. uh... uh... pass. Okay, the little thing that hangs down at the back of your throat. Henrietta: Uvula! Joey: Oh, then pass. Donny: O-kay... Henrietta, you didn't get all the points you needed, so that means Gene, you are going to the winners circle to try for ten thousand dollars! Ross: You made out with Missy Goldberg. How could you do that, after you promised me? Chandler: . That didn't make us sound gay at all! Ross: You broke the pact! Chandler: Ross, that was 16 years ago! Ross: That doesn't matter! We're talking about the foundation of our friendship. Chandler: I believe the foundation of our friendship was unfortunate hair. All right, look, if we're really gonna do this... it's not like you never broke one of the pacts. Ross: I didn't. Chandler: Oh really? Ross: No. Chandler: Oh really!? Ross: NO! Chandler: ADRIENNE TURNER!! Adrienne: Yes? Chandler and Ross: Hey! Hey Adrienne. Ross: I never did anything with Adrienne Turner. Chandler: Oh please, and you knew how much I liked her. Ross: I don't know what... you're talking about. Chandler: Really? Present Chandler's voice: Remember that big party? Freshman year? A week before Christmas vacation? I do. You had some visitors. Monica: I can't believe we are at a real college party! I have to pee so bad! Rachel: This is so awesome! College guys are so cute! Monica: Hey, you've got a boyfriend! Rachel: I know. But if some guy who looks like Corey Haim wants to kiss me tonight, I'm sooo gonna let them! Monica: Look, there's Chandler. You knew, that stupid friend of Ross'. Said I'm fat. You know I've already lost 4 pounds! Rachel: It... You can so totally tell. Monica: I KNOW! Rachel: Well lets see. Maybe he knows where Ross is. . Chandler: Aren't you...? Rachel: Yeah, Rachel. And this . Chandler: So how're you doing? Rachel: Bitchin' Chandler: Hi Monica. Monica: Hi Chandler. It's really nice to see you Chandler: O-kay. I'll see if I can find Ross. Monica: Oh my God Rach. Bean bag chairs. Rachel: Oh. Monica: Do NOT let me sit in one of those. We'll be here for days. Ross: Listen Adrienne, you can't tell Chandler about this. Adrienne: Oh believe me, Ross, I won't be telling anybody about this. Ross: Cool! Ross: I didn't know you knew about that. Chandler: Well, I did and it hurt. That's when I wrote the song: "Betrayal In The Common Room". Ross: Man... I... I'm sorry. Chandler: Look it was a lo-o-ong time ago. Ross: So, eh. I made out with Adrienne and you made out with Missy. Well I guess we're even. Chandler: Hmm mmmhm.. Ross: We are even, right? Chandler: Just one more thing. I was so pissed at you that night that I wanted to get back at you. So I thought, who does Ross like the more than anybody? Ross: What did you do to my mom? Chandler: Not her! Rachel: I am sooo drunk. Monica: That's weird. I've had the same number of beers as you and I don't feel anything at all. Chandler: Soo... you girls having fun? Monica: For your information, ass munch, I've lost four pounds. Maybe even five with all the dancing. Pizza guy: SOMEBODY ORDER A PIZZA? Monica: Oh THATS ME! Rachel: I am soo not going to do good on my SATs tomorrow. Chandler: Well maybe if you go to school here next year we can totally hang out. Rachel: Oh yeah. There is a plan! Why don't I just start taking my smart pills now? Chandler: Well, maybe you can get in on a beauty scholarship. Rachel: Chandler: So where are you applying to? Rachel: Oh well, You know, I think it's kinda really important that I go somewhere where there's sun, so I'm sort of... Hey! Chandler: I'm in college and I'm in a band. Rachel:   Roy: What's the matter? You never saw a 50 year old stripper cry before? Phoebe: You know, it's fine. We'll pay you. Roy: No, no, you're right. Who am I kidding? I should have hung up that breakaway jockstrap years ago. What am I gonna do? I mean, this has been my life for thirty two years. Taking my clothes off in front of people is all I know. Rachel: No, wait. No there's gotta be something else that you can do. I mean, what skills do you have? Roy: I don't know... I can make my pecs dance... I can pick up a dollar bill with my butt cheeks... I can go to that special place inside me where I feel no shame. Rachel: So maybe something in an office. Phoebe: Or you could teach stripping. You know, share your gift, pass the torch. Roy: You know, actually that's not a bad idea. I can do it out of my apartment. I don't think my mom would mind. Phoebe: There you go. Okay, do you think you're gonna be okay? Roy: Yeah, yeah, yeah... This is so weird. I mean, you never know when it's gonna be your last dance. And I didn't even get a chance to finish it. Phoebe: Finish it! Roy: What? Phoebe: Your last dance. Do it for us. Roy: Really? Rachel: Really? Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. He deserves to do the thing he loves one last time. Roy: Okay, all right... Get ready ladies! Phoebe: Oh this is so ho-o-ot! Phoebe: Oh no, no, no, don't stop! Roy: Have to...   Donny: Well, welcome to the Winner Circle. Joey and Gene, you guys ready? Joey: Yeah... Gene: Donny: Okay. Give me sixty seconds on the clock please... Ready, GO! Gene: Oak, maple, elm, birch... Joey: I-I-I don't know. Types of trees? Gene: Uhm... Buenos días, enchilada, por favor... Joey: Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't know any Spanish words. Gene: A match, a candle... Joey: Things that go "tssst" when you put them out. Gene: A torch, a bonfire... uhm, your pee... Joey: Things that burn. Gene: "I'd like to go for a walk", uhm "scratch my belly". Joey: Dude, dude! I think you're losing it. Gene: Uhm, "I have fur", "I like to bark". Joey: Oh, oh, oh... What a dog says. Gene: Pepperoni... Joey: Pizza toppings, next! Gene: Cindy Crawford, Christie Brinkley, Heidi Klum, Claudia Schiffer... Joey: Oh, oh, oh... Gene: Christie Turlington, Kate Moss... Joey: Girls Chandler could never get? Gene: Supermodels! Joey: Where? Ross: Hey, where's Rachel? Monica: She and Phoebe took the stripper to the hospital. Ross: Did you know Chandler kissed Rachel? Monica: What? When was this? Ross: Nineteen Eighty Seven. The weekend you guys visited me at school. Monica: Oh my God! That's wild! Chandler: Yeah, but it was like a million years ago, so it doesn't matter. Ross: Well, it matters to me. Chandler: Why? Ross: Because... the night you kissed Rachel was the night I kissed Rachel for the very first time. Chandler: You kissed her that night too? Monica: Two guys in one night? Wow, I thought she became a slut after she got her nose fixed. Chandler: Seriously, where did this happen? Ross: Okay, after you told me she was passed out in our room, I went in there to make sure she was all right. She was lying on my bed, all buried in peoples coats. Well, I went to kiss her on the forehead, you know. But it was so dark, I accidentally got her lips. I started to pull away, but then I felt her start to kiss me back. It was only for a second, but... it was amazing. And now, now I find out that you kissed her first. Chandler: Oh wait... What bed did you say she was on? Ross: Mine. Chandler: I'm pretty sure I put her on my bed. Ross: No, she was definitely on my bed. Chandler: Why would I kiss a girl, and then put her on your bed? Ross: Well, then who was on my bed? Monica: Ross: NO! No, no! Monica: YES! Ross: You were under the pile of coats? Monica: I was the pile of coats! Ross: OH MY GOD! Monica: You were my Midnight Mystery Kisser? Ross: You were my first kiss with Rachel? Monica: You were my first kiss ever? Chandler: What did I marry into? COMMERCIAL BREAK Monica: Oh, crap! THE END Written by: Robert Carlock & Dana Klein Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa Phoebe: Oh, hey Joey. Joey: Uh, hey. Phoebe: Listen, I need to ask you something. Ok, you know how my step dad's in prison. Joey: Yeah. Phoebe: Yeah. Well, uhm... listen he was supposed to get a weekend furlough, so he'd come to the wedding tomorrow, but he just called and... uhm... well, apparently stabbing Iceman in the exercise yard just couldn't wait till Monday. Joey: So he can't come? Phoebe: No, and so there's no one to walk me down the aisle and... well, I would just really love it if you would do it. Joey: Seriously? Phoebe: Yeah, you've... you know, sort of been like a dad to me. I mean, you've always, you know, looked out for me and shared your wisdom... Joey: I am pretty wisdomous. Phoebe: So... what do you say? Joey: Are you kidding? Phoebe, I would be honored. Phoebe: Oh, thank you. I hope... I hope you know how much you mean to me. Joey: I don't want you to see your father cry, GO TO YOUR ROOM! OPENING CREDITS Phoebe: Oh. Joey: Oh no, no, no, let your dad get this. Phoebe: Hello... Hey, ok, stop screaming! Ok? So, halibut. All right, so salmon, either way. I don't-I don't... it doesn't matter to me! Monica: Well, it matters to me! Phoebe: Well, I don't care, so you pick! Monica: Did you just hung up on me? All right, look, I need you at the rehearsal dinner tonight at 1800 hours. Phoebe: Uh-uh. Ok. What time is that. Monica: You don't know military time? Phoebe: Why, I must have been in missile training the day they taught that. Monica: Just subtract twelve. Phoebe: Ok, so... 1800 minus twelve is... one thousand, seven hundred and... Monica: Six o'clock! Phoebe: Ok. Monica: Ok. Hold on. Oh, how hard it is to make an ice sculpture? Phoebe: Ice sculpture? That sounds really fancy! I told you I just want a simple wedding. Monica: Please... honey, leave the details to me. Now I wanna make this day as special for you as I can. Now, ok, I was thinking that the harpist should wear white. Phoebe: What harpist? My friend Marjorie is playing the steel drums. Monica: Ooh... she backed out. Phoebe: She did? Why? Monica: I made her. Steel drums don't really say "elegant wedding". Nor does Marjorie's overwhelming scent. Phoebe: Hey! She will shower when Tibet is free. Chandler: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Chandler: You look great. I'm so glad we're having this rehearsal dinner, you know, I so rarely get to practice my meals before I eat them. Phoebe: Okay, what did we say was your one gift to us? Chandler: No stupid jokes. I thought that was for the actual wedding. Phoebe: Rehearse it! Ross: Hi! Mike: Thanks for coming you guys. Ross: Oh, hey, oh... I... I was-I was going for a hand shake. Mike: Is that why your hand is pressed against my crotch? Ross: That is why! Mike: Yeah. Phoebe: So Rach. Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: Where is Emma? Rachel: Oh, Monica made me send her to my mother's. Apparently babies and weddings don't mix. Monica: Joey: Hey, you're Mike's parents, right? Mike's mother: Yes, we are. Joey: Ah, our little ones are growing up fast, uh? Mike's father: How's that? Joey: You know, on the one hand you're happy for them, but on the other hand it's hard to let go. Mike's father: Who in God's name are you? Joey: Hey, I'm not that fond of you either, ok buddy? But I'm just trying to be nice for the kids! Chandler: You know what I just realized? We have no idea what we're doing in the wedding tomorrow. Ross: Yeah, I thought we'd be groomsmen, but wouldn't they have asked us by now? When did they ask you to be their bridesmaid? Rachel: Uh... November? Ross: I wanna say it's not looking good. Rachel: Hey Pheebs... Phoebe: What's up? Rachel: Uhm... you haven't told these guys what they're doing in the wedding yet. Chandler: Heh. Phoebe: Uhm... well, they're not in the wedding. Ross: What? Rachel: Well, this is really awkward Oh, and I can leave! Phoebe: I'm sorry you guys but, you know, Mike's got his brother and his friends from school so... you know, you were-you were... if it helps you, you were next in line, you just-you just missed the cut. Ross: Oh, man! Chandler: This is like figure skating team all over again. Help me! Ross: FOOTBALL! Chandler: Thank you. Monica: Pheebs, spit that out, that has pork in it. Phoebe: Oh! I though the pot stickers were supposed to be vegetarian! Monica: Yeah, I changed them. I-I sent you a fax about it! Phoebe: I don't have a fax machine. Monica: Ah, well then there are gonna be a few surprises! Ross: I can't believe we're gonna be the only people that aren't in this wedding. Chandler: I know, I hate being left out of things. Ross: And it's a wedding! It'd be weird if I'm not in it... Mike: Hey guys, how is it going? Chandler: Fine. We're just sitting here. Alone. Doing nothing. It's our rehearsal for tomorrow. Mike: Yeah look, about tomorrow, I... I've got a question for ya. I just found out that one of my groomsmen had had an emergency and can't make it. Chandler: What happened? Ross: Who cares, AND? Mike: ...and I was wondering if... you know, maybe one of you guys... Ross: I'll do it! Chandler: M-Me-me-me! Mike: You both wanna do it? Uhm... there's only room for one. Chandler: Pick me, I look great in a tux and I will not steal focus. Ross: No, Mike, no, no. You wanna pick me, I mean... watch! Huh? Mike: You know, I really don't feel very comfortable making this decision. You know, Phoebe knows you better, I'm gonna let her choose. Ross: Well, if Phoebe's choosing, then say hello to Mike's next groomsman. Chandler: Oh, I will. But I will need a mirror... as he is me! Ross: Please, you're going down! Chandler: You are going downer! Ross: Is that what they say on the Figure Skating Team? Chandler: Joey: So, you know I'm filling in for Phoebe's step dad, tomorrow, right? Mike: Yeah, yeah. Hey, thanks for doing that. Joey: Oh, hey, my pleasure. So what are your intentions with my Phoebe? Mike: I intend to marry her. Joey: Oh, a wiseacre. . No, no, no, I understand you plan to support your wife by playing the piano? Isn't that kind of unstable? Mike: No more so than acting. Joey: Strike two! Mike: You're right. She probably will support me. Hey, unless we move in with you, dad? Joey: Strike three! You only get one more, Mike! Ross: So, what did you decide? Phoebe: I decided to pee. Chandler: Mike didn't tell you? You have to chose one of us to be in your wedding. One of his groomsmen fell out. Phoebe: Oh no, no. I can't choose between you two! I love you both so much! Chandler: Just not enough to put us in the original wedding party. Phoebe: Oh, I don't wanna choose! It's . Oh okay, wait. Rach! Listen I have a very special bridesmaid task for you today. Rachel: Goody, what is it! Phoebe: Well, there's a spot open for only one groomsman and you have to choose between Ross and Chandler. So good luck with that. Rachel: What, what, what, no, I don't wanna do that. Phoebe: All right, I guess I'll have to find a new bridesmaid. Ross: I'll do it! Monica: Ok, it's 2100 hours. Mike: Do I have a minute to go to the bathroom? Monica: You had a bathroom break at 2030. Pee on your own time, Mike! . Now, in regard to the toast, okay, you wanna keep them short, nothing kills a rehearsal dinner like long speeches. Okay. You just get in, do your thing and get out! Mike: Is that what you say to Chandler? Monica: Phoebe: Ok. Hello everyone and thank you all for being here tonight. So tomorrow's the big event and some of you might not know, but Mike and I didn't get off to the best start. but despite, you know... it got... it got good. Ok, I wanna take a moment to mention my mother, who couldn't be here... Monica : oh God. Phoebe: And... moment's over! You know what? You're done. Monica: What? Phoebe: YOU'RE FIRED! Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Happy wedding day! Phoebe: Oh, happy my wedding day to you! Rachel: Ok-dokey, Joey, listen. This is gonna be bridesmaid central, all right? We're gonna have hair and make-up going on in the bathroom and oh, I had to move a couple of things in the fridge to make room for the corsages. Joey: Oh, man! I wouldn't have had breakfast if I knew there was going to be corsages! Monica: Hi. About last night... I know you are under a lot of stress and even though the things you said hurt me a little bit... My point is, uh, well, I'm willing to take my job back. Phoebe: Oh, well that's ok. I think you and I will do much better if you're just... here as a bridesmaid. Monica: Oh, is that so? Ok. If that's really what you want, then here... I give you the headset. Well, I don't really want to give you the headset. Well I guess if you're taking over, you should probably return these messages. Phoebe: Wow, this is a lot! Monica: Uh-huh, but I'm sure you can handle this. I mean, I have won awards for my organizational skills, but, uh, I'm sure you'll do fine. Phoebe: You won awards? Monica: Mm-mh. I printed them out on my computer. Ross: Hey! Monica: Hi. Ross: Where's Rach? Monica: She's in her room, why? Ross: I have to talk to her about this groomsman situation, ok? I'm not gonna watch Chandler up there while I'm sitting in the seats like some chump! Oh! My God! You're breathtaking! Rachel: What d'you want? Ross: You haven't by any chance chosen a groomsman yet, have you? Rachel: Oh, Ross, c'mon, please! Don't make this harder than it already is! Ross: I'm not! I'm making it easier! Pick me! Rachel: Well, Chandler said that it's really important to him too! Ross: Listen, listen. Whoever you pick is gonna walk down the aisle with you! Now, I promise I won't say a word, but if you pick Chandler he's gonna be whispering stupid jokes in your ear the whole time! Rachel: Oh, you are the lesser of two evils! Ross: YES, YES! Phoebe: Sven I don't understand what you're saying! What is wrong with the flowers? Lorkins? What the hell are lorkins? Monica: I know. Mike: Hey. Phoebe: Listen, Mike, if you were Swedish and you were saying the word "lorkins" what flowers would that be? Mike: Orchids? Phoebe: Right there! That's why I'm marrying you! Joey: Hello Michael. Mike: Joseph. Joey: May I have a word with you, please? Mike: This is... great... Joey: Have a seat. I cannot allow this. Mike: Are you rehearsing for some really bad mafia movie? Joey: More back talk. And yes, I may be borrowing a few lines from my recent unsuccessful audition for "Family Honor 2: Thissa Time Itsa Personal." Mike: Joey, I kinda have a lot to do today, what do you want? Joey: I want you to take this seriously! Phoebe is very very important to me, ok? And I wanna make sure that you are gonna take care of her. Mike: Joe, I love Phoebe. She's the single most important thing in my life. I'd die before I let anything happen to her. Joey: That's what I wanted to hear! Because she's family, ok, and now you're gonna be family, and there is nothing more important in the whole world, than family. Mike: That must have been one lousy movie. Joey: That was ME! Rachel: Hi Chandler: Hey, can I talk to you about this groomsman thing? If you pick Ross, he'll walk you down the isle just fine. But if you choose me, you'll be getting some comedy! Rachel: Even so, I think I'm gonna pick Ross. Chandler: Let me tell you why you need to pick me. See, when I was a kid, I was always left out of everything, you know, and it really made me feel... insecure. You know, I was always picked last in gym. Even behind that big fat exchange student who didn't even know the rules to baseball. I mean, this guy would strike out and then run to third. Anyway, If I'm the only one left out of this wedding, I just know that all those feelings are gonna come rushing back. Rachel: All right fine, I pick you. Chandler: Y-Y-YEEESSS! Make "groom" for Chandler. Rachel: Oh my... Phoebe: No! We're gonna do it my way. Hello? Joey: I'm glad we had this little talk. Mike: Yes. Yeah and thanks for all the wedding night advice. That didn't make me uncomfortable at all! Alright, so I'll see everybody tonight? Phoebe: Okay. Monica: Bye. Mike: Uhm, did you guys know that there is a giant ice sculpture in the hall? Phoebe: Oh my God, what's it doing here? Monica: Uh! What a pickle. Phoebe: Oh my God, everything is such a mess. Why is this happening to me? Joey: Chandler: How's it going? Ross: Good. I'm just getting some coffee. So I'm alert for the wedding. Chandler: That's what I was doing too. Ross: Well, you have fun tonight. Chandler: You too. Ross: Oh, I will. Chandler: Me too. Ross: Wait a minute, I know why I'm being such an ass, why are you? Chandler: I'm not supposed to tell you. Ross: I'm not supposed to tell you! Chandler: You told us both we could be in the wedding? Rachel: Well, in my defense, you were not supposed to tell each other. Ross: Rachel, only one of us can do it, you have to choose. You and me together again. Chandler: Rach, Rach, knock knock. Rachel: Who's there? Chandler: I'll tell you at the wedding. Rachel: Uh. Mike: Hey, I forgot my scarf. Rachel: You know what, I can't do this. I don't know which one of you guys to pick. Mike: Oh, you haven't picked yet. Oh good, 'cause I had an idea. I thought it would be fun if the third groomsman was my family dog. Chappy. Ross: What? A dog? No! Rachel gets to choose. Rachel: Wow, this is a tough one. I think I'm gonna have to go with the dog. Phoebe: Alright, wait, so what you're saying is that the chef is at the Hamilton Club, but the food is not and the drinks are there, but the bartender is not? Are you, are you FREAKING KIDDING ME!? Monica: How's it going? Phoebe: Help me. Monica: What? Phoebe: I want you to be Crazy Bitch again. Monica: Really? Phoebe: Please? Monica: You really want me to come back? Phoebe: More than I wanna get married. Monica: Ok people, we are back in business! Ok, go and get your hair and make-up done, and I'll take care of everything. Joey: Hey, what are you guys gonna do? Phoebe: About what? Joey: The blizzard. I just saw on the news, it's like the worst snow storm in 20 years! They already closed all the bridges and tunnels. Monica: Ooh! But the band and the photographer are coming all the way in from New Jersey! Joey: I don't think they are. Ross: So sorry Pheebs. Monica: Well, the club lost it's power. Joey: Yeah according to the news, most of the city did. Rachel: Since when do you watch the news? Joey: Uh, for your information, since they hired a very hot weather girl. Ross: I can't believe you guys aren't going to be able to get married today. Phoebe: I know. Rachel: Wow, you know, it's so beautiful out there. You always wanted to get married outside. Why don't you guys just do it on the street? Phoebe: What? Rachel: Well, look, it's hardly snowing anymore. I mean you couldn't ask for a more romantic setting. This could be the simple wedding you've always wanted! Phoebe: What do you think? Mike: I think I wanna get married to you today. Phoebe: Me too! Monica, do you think we could do it? Monica: AFFIRMATIVE! Monica: Mike's mom: Michael! Mike: Hey! You made it. Great! Chappy! Hi! Mom, I know getting married in the street isn't something you approve of... Mike's mom: No... It's lovely. The lights and the snow. I could look at them forever. Mike's dad: Come on, sweetheart. Mike: You know, Chappy's too small to handle all this snow. Someone's gonna have to walk him down the aisle. Chandler: So technically, would this person be in the wedding? Mike: I guess. Chandler and Ross: I'll do it! Ross: No, but Chandler, hello... Aren't you scared of dogs? Chandler: I'm not scared. HE CAN SENSE MY FEAR. MY THROAT IS EXPOSED. Ross: He stinks! Monica: Level 1 alert. I repeat, level 1. This is not a drill. Okay we've got a situation. The minister just called. He's snowed in. He can't make it. Mike: Oh, no! Joey: Oh hey, don't worry. I'm still ordained from your wedding. Monica: Really? Joey: Yeah, you'd think I'd give up being a minister and start paying to ride the subway? Huhuh... Ross: Uhm, ministers don't ride the subway for free. Joey: I had to read the Bible pretty carefully, but... yeah we do. Monica: Okay, if Joey does the ceremony, then we have to find someone else to walk Phoebe down the isle. Chandler: I'll do it. Ross: I'll... Chandler: Ah ah... Monica: Okay, Mike and Joey, get in position. Chandler, come with me. Monica: Okay, Joey's doing the ceremony and Chandler's giving you away. Phoebe: Oh, okay. Hi new dad. Monica: So, you're ready to do this? Phoebe: Uhuh, uhuh... Oh my God! This is really happening. Rachel: Oh Phoebe, I'm so happy for you honey. Phoebe: Oh, thank you. Monica: I love you. Phoebe: I love you guys. Rachel and Monica: I love you. Monica: Okay. Let's get this bad boy on the road. Chandler: Is it okay that I want you to wear that head set in bed tonight? Monica: I have you scheduled for nudity at 2300 hours. Chandler: Oh yeah! Monica: Okay Marjorie, hit it. Rachel: Geez Ross, you could have showered. Ross: It's the dog. Monica: Groomsman, groomsman, why are you just standing there, where is your bridesmaid? Oh, that's me. Chandler: Ready? Phoebe: Okay. Chandler: Okay. Phoebe: Oh wait, oh no. Wait. Chandler: Wow! Aren't you gonna be cold? Phoebe: I don't care... I'll be my something blue. Chandler: You look beautiful. Phoebe: Thank you. Mike: My God! Aren't you freezing? Phoebe: Na-ah. Joey: Friends, family, dog... Thank you all for being here to witness this blessed event. The cold has now spread to my special place... so I'm gonna do the short version of this. Phoebe and Mike are perfect for each other. And I know I speak for every one here... when I wish them a lifetime of happiness. Who has the rings? Joey: Okay... Phoebe: When I was growing up, I didn't have a normal mom and dad, or a regular family like everybody else, and I always knew that something was missing. But now I'm standing here today, knowing that I have everything I'm ever gonna need... You are my family. Mike: Phoebe you're so beautiful. You're so kind, you're so generous. You're so wonderfully weird. Every day with you is an adventure, and I can't believe how lucky I am, and I can't wait to share my life with you forever. Phoebe: Oh wait, oh I forgot... and uhm... I love you... and you have nice eyes. Mike: I love you too. Ross: Uh Joey... Joey: Yeah? Ross: Chappy's heart rate has slowed way down. Joey: Oh, okay. Phoebe, do you take this man to be your husband? Phoebe: I do. Joey: Mike, do you take this woman to be your wife? Mike: I do. Joey: I now pronounce you... husband and wife. Phoebe: I got married! Could someone get me a coat, I'm freaking freezing. COMMERCIAL BREAK Chandler: That really was an incredible wedding. Joey: It was, yeah. I kind of don't want it to end. Hey, you wanna come in for a drink and a bite of corsage? Chandler: I'd love to, but it's 2300 hours and I'm about to have the most organized sex anyone's ever had. Joey: Nice. Oh hey, what about Ross? Chandler: I don't know. Maybe he hooked up with that hot girl he was talking to. Ross: Come on Chappy, do your business. MAKE! MA-AKE! I did not sign on for this. THE END Written by: Sherry Bilding-Graham & Ellen Plummer Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa Phoebe: Hi All: Hey! Hi! Rachel: How was the honeymoon? Phoebe: Oh, incredible! Oh! Champagne, candle-lit dinners, moonlight walks on the beach, it was sooo ro-man-tic! Rachel: Oh! Chandler: So, where's Mike? Phoebe: Oh, he's at the doctor, he didn't poop the whole time we were there! Joey: Well anyway, I'm glad you're back, I really need your help. Phoebe: Oh, why? What's up? Joey: I have an audition for this play and for some of it I have to speak French. Which, according to my résumé, I'm fluent in. Ross: Joey, you shouldn't lie on your résumé. Monica: Yeah, you really shouldn't. By the way, how was that year-long dig in Cairo? Ross: It was ok... Rachel: I did not know you spoke French. Phoebe: Oui, bien sur je parle Français! Qu'est-ce que tu penses alors? Rachel: Oh... you're so sexy! Joey: Well, so, will you help me? I really wanna be in this play. Phoebe: Sure! Tout le plaisir est pour moi, mon ami. Rachel: Seriously stop it, or I'm gonna jump on ya. OPENING CREDITS Chandler: Hey. Monica: Hey. Chandler: Why are you wearing my apron? Monica: I'm making cookies for Erica. And oh, by the way, we have to leave for the airport soon, her plane comes in about an hour. Chandler: Oh, hey, when she gets here, is it ok if I introduce you two as "my wife" and "the woman who's carrying my child"? No? Divorce? Ross: Hey. Monica: Hey. Ross: You guys know where Rachel is? Monica: No, we haven't seen her since this morning. Ross: So unbelievable. She was supposed to meet me half an hour ago with Emma. Monica: Hey! Ross: Hey! Monica: These are for Erica! Ross: What? She's gonna eat all those cookies? Monica: Well, I want he baby to come out all cute and fat! Ross: So, why is Erica coming to visit? Monica: Well, because we want to get to know her better and she's never been to New York so she wants to see all the tourists' spots... you know, Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building... Chandler: Oh, those places! There's always so many people, their being corralled like cattle, and... you know, there's always some idiot who goes "Mooooo"! Monica: Well, if it annoys you so much, then why do you do it? Ross: Oh, hi! Hi! Thanks for showing you up thirty minutes late! Rachel: Ross... Ross: No, no, no, I'm sure you have a great excuse, wh-was it a hair appointment, a mani-pedi or was there a sale at Barney's? Rachel: My father had an heart attack... ...while I was at Barney’s. Ross: Oh my God. Monica: Honey. Chandler: I'm so sorry... Ross: Is-is he ok? Rachel: Yeah, they said he's gonna be fine, but he's still heavily sedated. Ross: Ok, ok. I'm gonna come out to Long Island with you, I mean, you can't be alone right now. Rachel: No, come on, I'm totally ok. I don't need you to come! I can totally handle this on my own. Ross: Still-still, let me come... for me. Rachel: Ok. If you really need to. Ross: I bet someone could use one of Monica's freshly baked cookies. Rachel: Oh, I really could. Ross: Oh! Rachel: Ohh... Phoebe: All right, it seems pretty simple. Your first line is "My name is Claude", so, just repeat after me. "Je m'appelle Claude". Joey: Je de coup Clow. Phoebe: Well, just... let's try it again. Joey: Ok. Phoebe: Je m'appelle Claude. Joey: Je depli mblue. Phoebe: Uh. It's not... quite what I'm saying. Joey: Really? It sounds exactly the same to me. Phoebe: It does, really? Joey: Yeah. Phoebe: All right, let just try it again. Really listen. Joey: Got it. Phoebe: Je m'appelle Claude. Joey: Je te flouppe Fli. Phoebe: Oh, mon Dieu! Joey: Oh, de fuff! Monica: Hey you guys. Phoebe: Hi! Joey: Hey. Monica: I want you to meet someone really special. Phoebe, this is Erica. And this is the baby! Phoebe: Oh! Monica: Joey. Erica, baby! Joey: Hi. Monica: Everyone. Erica, baby! Chandler: Monica. Calm, self. Erica: Thank you. It's really nice to meet you guys, I can't believe I'm here! Joey: Welcome to New York City! Or should I say "ghe deu flooff New York City"? Chandler: Why would you say that? Phoebe: Ok. What are you gonna be doing today? Erica: I wanna see everything! Times Square, Coney Island, Rockefeller Center... Joey: Oh, you know what you should do? You should walk all the way at the top of Statue of Liberty. Erica: Oh yeah, let's do that! Chandler: Great! This baby'd better to be really good. Rachel: Oh, uhm, excuse me, I'm here to see my father. My name is Rachel Green. Ross: And I'm Doctor Ross Geller. Rachel: Ross, please, this is a hospital, ok? That actually means something here. Rachel: Can somebody please go in? Nurse: Absolutely. Ross: Rach, I think I'm gonna wait out here, because my throat is feeling a little scratchy, I don't want to infect him. Rachel: Ross, please, don't be so scared of him! Ross: I'm not scared of him, I'm really sick! Nurse: He's under sedation, so he's pretty much out. Ross: I'm feeling better. Rachel: Oh! Oh! Oh my God! Ohhh, ohhh, wow, that ear and nose hair trimmer I got him was just money down the drain, huh? Nurse: Miss Green, your father's doctor is on the phone if you'd like to speak to him. Rachel: Oh, great, Are you gonna be ok? Ross: He's unconscious, I think we'll be just fine! Rachel : Ok. Ross: Did the TV wake you? Dr. Green: No, when you put your feet up in my bed, you tugged on my catheter. Ross: Ouchy. Dr. Green: What are you doing here, Geller? Ross: Well, I came with Rachel, who should be back any second! So what's new? Dr. Green: Ooh, I have a little heart attack. Ross: Right, is it painful? Dr. Green: What, the heart attack or sitting here talking to you? Ross Let's see if we can get that Rachel back here. Dr. Green: So what's new with you, uh, knocked up any more of my daughters lately? Ross: Nope, just the one. RACH! Phoebe: Je m'appelle Claude. Joey: Je do call blue! Phoebe: Noooo! Ok, maybe if we just break it down. Ok, let's try at one syllable at a time. Ok? So repeat after me. "je". Joey: je. Phoebe: m'ap Joey: mah Phoebe: pelle Joey: pel. Phoebe: Great, ok faster! "je" Joey: je. Phoebe: m'ap Joey: mah Phoebe: pelle Joey: pel. Phoebe: Je m'appelle! Joey: Me pooh pooh! Phoebe: Ok, it's too hard, I can't teach you! Joey: What are you doing? Phoebe: I, I have to go before I put your head through a wall. Joey: . Pooh. Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Ross: I was gonna make us some dinner but all I found in your dad's fridge was bacon and heavy cream. I think we solved the mystery of the heart attack. Rachel: Uh. Did you call your parents? Ross: Oh, yeah. Emma's doing great. Rachel: Oh good. Ross: Wow. Rachel: What? Ross: Just can't believe I'm in Rachel Green's room. Rachel: What do you mean? You've been in my room before! Ross: Yeah, sure, right! Like I've ever been in Rachel Green's room. Rachel: Ok I gotta tell ya, it's really weird when you use my whole name. Ross: Sorry. . You ok? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: You had a rough day, uh? Rachel: Yeah, just so weird seeing him like that, you know? I mean he is a doctor, you don't expect doctors to get sick! Ross: But we do! It's gonna be ok, Rach! Rachel: Ow. I don't want him to wake up alone! I should go to the hospital! Ross: What? No, no! Hey, hey, hey look... Rachel: What? Ross: They gave him a lot of medication, ok? He wouldn't even know if you were there. Look, we'll go see him first thing in the morning, ok? Rachel: Really, I shouldn't feel guilty? Ross: No, God! Hey, Rach, you've been an amazing daughter, ok? Right now you just need to get some rest. Rachel: Ok, maybe you're right. Ross: Good night. Rachel: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Would you stay here with me for a little while? Ross: Sure! Rachel: Ok. Thank you for coming with me today. Ross: Oh, of course... Rachel: Rachel Green is very happy you're in her room! Ross: Me too. Come here. Rachel: I just don't want to be alone tonight. Ross: Ok, well, uh, I can maybe grab a sleeping bag, or.... No, Rach! I'm sorry, I just don't think this, this, this is a good idea. Rachel: Wait, we won't know that until we do it, will we? Ross: No, look, uh. You are upset about your father and you're feeling vulnerable and I just don't feel it would be right, I'd feel like I'd be, you know, taking advantage of you. Rachel: Taking advantage? I'm giving you the advantage, enjoy! Ross: Look, I'm sure it would be great, but I-I think one of us has to be thinking clearly, so, I'm gonna go! Rachel: Wow. Ok. Ross: I'll see you in the morning . Rachel: Mhm-mh! Ross: Haven't had sex in four months, I should get a medal for that! Erica: Thanks so much for taking me to all those places. I had a great time. Monica: Oh, I'm glad. Listen, I want to apologize about Chandler, though. I just did not see this coming. Chandler: New York is awesome! Monica: What is with you? Chandler: Yeah, I've been to these places before, but I've never really seen them, you know. Monica: Yeah, you miss alot, when you're moo-ing. Erica: Thanks so much for showing me around. Monica: Oh! It was our pleasure. We are so much enjoying getting to know you. Erica: Well, if there is anything else you wanna know... Chandler: Oh, uhm, okay, uhm, do you mind if we ask you some questions about the father? Erica: Oh, sure. Yeah, well, he was my high school boyfriend. Captain of the football team, really cute and he got a scholarship and went off to college. Chandler: That's great. Erica: Yeah... it's almost definitely him. Monica: How's that now? Erica: Well, there is a chance it's another guy. I mean, I have only ever been with two guys, but they sorta overlapped. Chandler: So, what does the other guy do? Does he go to college too? Erica: No, he's in prison. Monica: Was he falsely accused of something? Erica: No... he killed his father with a shovel. But other than that, he's a great guy. Chandler: I'll bet his dad doesn't think so. Monica: Are you awake? Chandler: Of course I'm awake. Assume from now on that I'm always awake! Monica: Alright, we don't know that it's him. I mean, it could be the football guy. Chandler: Honey, it's us. Of course it's the shovel-killer. Monica: Alright, lets say that it is him, would we not want the baby? No! Would we treat him any differently? Chandler: I'd keep an eye on him! We have to find out which one the father is. Monica: How? Chandler: I dunno, aren't there tests for these things, right? Monica: Yeah, but maybe we're just over-reacting. Chandler: Pff, easy for you to say, he's a father killer. He probably loves him mommy. He's probably got a tattoo that says "mom" on his shovel-wielding arm! Tape: We will now count from one to five. Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq. Joey: Huh, un, blu, bla, flu, flenk! Tape: Good job. Joey: Thank you. Phoebe: Hey Joey. Joey: Hey! Phoebe: Listen, I feel really badly about yesterday and I thought about it a lot and, and I know, I was too impatient. SO lets try it again. Joey: Oh, no, that's okay, I don't need your help. I worked on it myself and I gotta say, I am pretty good! Phoebe: Really, can I hear some of it. Joey: Sure, sure. Ok, See? Phoebe: Well, you're not, You're not... you're not... again, you're not SPEAKING FRENCH! Joey: Oh well I think I am, yeah and I think I'm definitely gonna get the part. Phoebe: How could you possibly think that? Joey: For one thing, the guy on the tape said I was doing a good job! Ross: Hey Rach, can you grab me a cup of coffee? Rachel: Ross: You've been quiet all morning. Is everything okay? Rachel: Hmm-hmm. Ross: You sure you're alright? Rachel: Yep. Ross: Rachel: FYI.. Ross: Rachel: In the future, when a girl asks for some ill-advised sympathy sex... just do it. Ross: You're mad at me about last night? I was just trying to do the right thing. Rachel: Really? Well, it seems to me if you'd done the right thing, I would not have woken up today feeling stupid and embarrassed, I would have woken up feeling comforted and satisfied! Ross: Well... Rachel: Oh stop that! Ross: I can't believe this. I was just being a good guy. I treated you with respect and understanding. Rachel: Ross: Hey, I was looking out for you. Rachel: Oh, really, well Ross, you know what? I am a big girl. I don't need someone telling me what is best for me. Ross: I gotta say, I have not had sex a lot of times before, this is the worst ever. Rachel: Oh, really, really? Well, it wasn't very good for me either. Ross: Hey you know what? You know what? To avoid this little thing in the future, let's just say, you and me, never having sex again. Rachel: What? Ross: That's right, sex is off the table. Chandler: Hey! How was lunch? Erica: Chandler: Oh, really? Erica: No! You we're right, that was fun! I'm gonna go finish packing. Chandler: O-okay. So, is she gonna take the test? Monica: Nope, she doesn't have to, I found out who the father is. Chandler: Oh God. It's shovely-Joe, isn't it? Monica: No it's not. Chandler: How do you know? Erica: Well, it turns out that Erica didn't pay much attention in Sex Ed class, because the thing she did with that prison guy... it'd be pretty hard to make a baby that way. Chandler: Oh God! What was it? The thing that we hardly ever do or the thing we never do? Monica: The thing we never do. Chandler: Shovely Joe! Director: Whenever you're ready Joey. Joey: Right. Dja bu bu Claude. Uh, c'est la pu les la lu blah bloo. Casting assistant: I'm sorry, what's going on? Joey: Dude, come on! French it u-up! Director: Joey, do you speak French? Joey: Toutes la smore! Bu blu-ay bloo blah ooh! Pfoof! Director: You know what. I think this audition is over. Phoebe: Uh, excuse me. Uh, I am Reginé Philange. I was passing by when I heard this man speaking the regional dialect of my French town of Estée Lauder. Director: You really think this man is speaking French? Joey: Sa-sa-saw! Phoebe: Écoutez, je vais vous dire la vérité. C'est mon petit frère. Il est un peu retardé. Phoebe: Alors, si vous pouviez jouer le jeu avec lui... Director: Good job, little buddy. That was some really good French. But I think we're gonna go with someone else for the part. Joey: Ah. All right. But my French was good? Director: It was great. Joey: Oh-hoh! Ha-hah! See! Phoebe: Joey: Yeah-hah. Toute-de-le-fruit. Ross: Emma's down for the night. Rachel: Oh, good. Ross: So uh... I guess I wanna take off. Rachel: Okay... Hey listen, just before you go I-I again, I just wanna say "thank you" for coming with me. Ross: Oh, no problem. Rachel: And also, you know I uh, I was thinking about what you said, you know, about the whole sex thing and... it's probably not a great idea to go down that road again. Ross: Thank you. I'm glad you agree. Rachel: It's a shame though, I mean, when we did it, it was pretty good. Ross: Yeah... Yeah, that's true. Rachel: Hey uhm, do you remember that one really great time...? Ross: Oh, ye-ah! Rachel: You know it was you're uhm... birthday... Ross: ...Valentine's day... Both: Oh yeah! Rachel: Well, I guess that's all in the past, now. Ross: Hmmm-mmmm. Rachel: Not even one more time? Ross: Not even once. Rachel: No matter how much we want it. Ross: Even if we want it really bad. Rachel: That's what we decided. Ross: Uhm, right! Rachel: ...It's kinda hard though! Ross: Yeah. Rachel: You know, when two people have a connection, you know, that's... just seems like such a... waste. Ross: ...I hate waste. Rachel: ...Ross? Ross: Yes? Rachel: Just so you know... With us... it's never off the table. Ross: Damn it. It's never off the table. COMMERCIAL BREAK Phoebe: Okay, can you really tapdance? Joey: No. Phoebe: It's off the resumé. Phoebe: Archery? Joey: No. Phoebe: Horseback riding? Joey: Would fall off a lot. Phoebe: You can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds? Joey: That I can do. Phoebe: Come on! You can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds? Joey: All right, watch me! Okay, you time me. Ready? Phoebe: Ready... GO! Phoebe: You did it! THE END Teleplay by: Tracy Reilly Story by: Robert Carlock Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa Final check by Kim Mike: Thank you guys for having us over. Phoebe: Oh! Yeah, this is fun, couples night. Chandler: Yeah, I don't know why we hang out with married couples more often. Monica: Well, because every time we do, you make jokes about swinging and scare them away. Chandler: You mean that Portuguese couple? Yeah, like you wouldn't have done it. Ross: Hey, you guys... I have great news. Monica: Ross, we're kind of in the middle of diner here. Ross: Oh, well, er, I already ate, but sure...! Guess what happened at work today... Chandler: A dinosaur died a million years ago? Ross: Try sixty-five million years ago, and then try sssshhhhhh.... My tenure review board met today and I hear it's looking really good. Phoebe: Wow! Ross: Yeah. Do you have any idea what this means in academic circles, uh? I am gonna get laid. Rachel: Hi you guys. All: Hey. Rachel: Ooh, Italian! Monica: No one wanted seconds, right? Ross: No, no. I-I'm good. Rachel: Hey you guys... You're never gonna believe it. This headhunter called me. I have a meeting tomorrow with Gucci. Gucci wants me. Ross: I'm up for tenure. Rachel: Congratulations! Ross: You too! What are the odds? Rachel: Ooh! Joey: I finally got that seed out of my teeth. Monica: I don't know who I'm happiest for... Phoebe: I do, he's been working on that all day! OPENING CREDITS Phoebe: Hey Mon? Was it weird changing your name to Geller-Bing? Monica: No, no. It felt nice to acknowledge this. Phoebe: Where did you go to do it? Monica: Uhm the... the ministry... of names... bureau... Chandler: YOU NEVER DID IT! Monica: I'm sorry. It's just the idea of being an official Bing. Chandler: Hey! I will have you know that... aah, who am I kidding. Let's call the kid Geller and let Bing die with me. Mike: Here you go. Phoebe: Thanks! Honey, would you want me to take your name? Mike: Oh, it's just... It's up to you. It's your name. You've got to live with it. Phoebe: All right, let's see, call me mrs Hannigan. Chandler: Mrs Hannigan? Phoebe: What? Can't you see I'm in the middle of something? Ooh, I like it. Joey: Hey guys. Chandler: Hey Joe! We've got a couple of things we've got to check out at the new house. You want to come with us? Joey: No, thank you. Monica: All right. I know you're not happy about us moving, but you're the only one who hasn't seen the house. Chandler: Yeah, come with us. You'll see how close it is to the city. Joey: But no, it's not close. You said it was in escrow? I couldn't even find it on the map. Monica: Joey, please come. It would mean so much to us. Joey: You know what? You are my friends, I wanna be supportive, I will come with you. SHOTGUN! Chandler: Damn it. Monica: See you guys later. Phoebe: Okay! Monica: I'll pick you up at eleven. So glad you're coming. Phoebe: Good for you. That was really mature. Joey: What? No, the only reason I'm going to their stupid new house, is so I can point out everything that's wrong with it, so they don't move. I'm gonna make them stay here. Mike: You're a strange kind of grown-up. Phoebe: Joey, you can't make someone do something they don't want to do. Believe me, there's something I've been trying to get Mike to do in bed and there's... he's just... Mike: Woo-wo-hey-hey-hey... Can we not talk about that right now? Phoebe: All right, prude... Look, Monica and Chandler really love this house. You are not gonna talk them into staying here. Joey: Hey, hey... I can convince people to do anything, you know. I bet I can even get Mike to do that "thing". What is it? Joey: I AM NOT GONNA HELP YOU DO THAT! Goodbye! Rachel: Hi, I'm here to see mr Campbell... with Gucci. The reservation is probably under Gucci. It's spelled like Gukki, which could be confusing. Maitre d': Mr Campbell's not here yet. Let me show you to his table. Rachel: Oh my God! That's my boss. You have to seat us somewhere else. Maitre d': I'm sorry. That's always mr Campbell's table. Rachel: But my... but my boss cannot see me. I'm interviewing for another job. Maitre d': I know. With Gukki Rachel: Sssshhhh! Mr Zellner: Rachel? Rachel: Hi... I'm on a date... Mr Zellner: That's great! Rachel: Yeah, it is. Yeah, you know, it's tough. Single mom, career... You gotta get out there. Mr Zellner: Well, you got uhm... good energy. Rachel: Oh. Mr Campbell: Rachel? Rachel: Yes, hi! Mr Campbell: James Campbell... Rachel: Hi! Excuse us. Mr Campbell: Please... Rachel: Okay. Oh, yeah... Oh he's cute! Mr Campbell: So... your resumé is quite impressive. Rachel: Wha... My resumé? I wouldn't... I wouldn't call my online dating profile a resumé. Mr Campbell: Dating profile? I-I-I'm talking about the work resumé. Rachel: Whatever happened to just singing for no reason? Huh? Mr Campbell: Maybe people... found it weird.... So, why do you want to leave Ralph Lauren? Rachel: What? I-I don't. Mr Campbell: You don't? Rachel: No, I-I-I love it there. Mr Campbell: Well, if you don't want to leave, why are we having this lunch? Mr Campbell: What? Mr Campbell: That's Hugo Boss? Phoebe: But you obviously haven't. Clerk: How can I help you? Phoebe: I need to change my name, please. See, I need to change it because I'm-I'm hiding from the law. You're fun. Clerk: You need to fill out this form. Phoebe: Okay, well, I just don't, I don't know how it works exactly. See, my name is Buffay and my husband's name is Hannigan, so is it supposed to be Buffay-Hannigan or Hannigan-Buffay? Clerk: It can be anything you want. Phoebe: Well, not anything, I mean... Clerk: Yeah... anything. Phoebe: Oh, this could take a while. Clerk: Get out of my line. Phoebe: Okay. Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey Pheebs. Phoebe: Oh, not anymore. I changed it today. Monica: Oh, I'm sorry, mrs Hannigan. Phoebe: Wrong again! Apparently you can change it to anything you want. So I thought, all right, here's an opportunity to be creative. So meet Princess Consuela Banana Hammock. Chandler: That's what we were gonna name the baby. Monica: Phoebe! Phoebe: Uh! Princess Consuela. Monica: You seriously changed your name to that? Phoebe: Uh-huh! Monica: Okay, so from now on we have to call you Princess Consuela? Phoebe: Uhm, no. I'm gonna have my friends call me Valerie. Chandler: Hey, how'd the interview go? Rachel: Oh! It's not good. Chandler: You know, I always feel that way after an interview. I'll bet it went better than you think. Rachel: Well, I didn't get the job at Gucci and I got fired from Ralph Lauren. Chandler: That is a bad interview. Phoebe: What are you, what are you talking about? How did this happen? Rachel: Well, my boss was at the same restaurant where I was having my interview and he heard everything. So later he calls me to his office and he tells me that he's gonna have to let me go, because I'm not a team player. And I said "Wait a minute! Yes I am." and I had to sit there for 45 minutes while he proved that that in fact... was true. Monica: Oh God. I'm so sorry. Ross: Hey! Wha-hoo! What's this? Well it's a, it's a bottle of champagne. Why is this here? Phoebe: Ross... Ross: I guess it's here because I GOT TENURE! All Ross: This is the single greatest day of my professional career. Gunther, six glasses! Gunther: Six? You want me to join you? Ross: Oh, I thought Joey was here. Five is good. Well, I'm gonna have a loogie in my coffee tomorrow. Chandler: Ooh! Israeli champagne. And it's vanilla! Ross: I got tenure. I didn't win the lottery... Hey Rach, so uh... how did your thing go? Rachel: Oh it... good! Yeah, but I'm not gonna hear from that for a couple of days. Ross: Oh, you know what? You're gonna get it. I-I-I-I can feel it. Phoebe: Can you? Rachel: Ah, all right. Here's to Ross! Ross: And-and to years of hard work finally paying off. Phoebe: And to knowing that your career doesn't mean everything. Ross: But also knowing it means a lot. Monica: But more importantly to full well-rounded lives. Ross: ...that center around work. Chandler: To Ross! All : Ross! Ross: You know what the best part about this is? I can never be fired. Phoebe: Oh God! Ross: No seriously. I have job security for life. You know, I never have to worry. Oh, look at you. Look how happy you are for me. Rachel: No, it's not that. I got fired today. And I didn't get the other job. Ross: Rach, I'm so sorry. Rachel: Oh! Ross: Great. I feel like an idiot. Rachel: No, it's okay, you didn't know. Ross: Oh... Little heads-up would have been nice. Monica: Thank you for letting us see the house again. Chandler: And thank you for explaining to us what escrow means... I've already forgotten what you said, but thank you. Realtor: Take as long as you want. Just let me know when you're through. Monica: Ah, so glad you decided to come. Joey: Me too. Yeah, this place is great. I'm so happy for you guys. Although, you know, I hope you like fungus. Chandler: What? Joey: Fungus! Yeah. Place is full of it. Monica: No it's not. We had an inspection and they didn't find anything. Joey: Okay. Then I guess I have dry eyes and a scratchy throat for no reason. Monica: Maybe because it's you hung your head out of the window like a dog the whole ride here. Joey: Maybe. So this is the living room huh? Ooh, it's pretty dark. Monica: No it's not! Joey: Are you kiddin'? I think I just saw a bat in the corner! Chandler: When your head was hanging out the window, it didn't hit a mailbox, did it? Joey: Maybe. Well, I just think you guys can do better than this house, you know? Or any other house for that matter. Monica: Oh Joey, look, we know you're having a hard time with this, but we really, we love it here. Joey: FINE, ok, if you love this house so much, then you should just live here, okay? I just hope you get used to that weird humming sound. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... Monica: Joey, we know that's you. Joey: no... hmmmmm... it's not... hmmmmmmmmmm Mike: Hey Phoebe: Welcome back! Mike: Ah! I missed you Phoebe: Oh, me too! Mike: So, what's new? Phoebe: Well, I'm no longer Phoebe Buffay. Mike: That's great! You changed you name? Phoebe: Yes I did! Meet: Princess Consuela Banana Hammock! Mike: You're kidding right? Phoebe: Nope. Mike: You really did that? Phoebe: Yep. Mike: Yeah, but you can't do that. Phoebe: Why? It's fun, it's different, no-one else has a name like it. Mike: Alright, then I'm gonna change my name. Phoebe: Great, okay, what are you gonna change it to? Mike: Crap Bag. Phoebe: Mike Crap Bag? Mike: No, no Mike, just Crap Bag. First name Crap, last name Bag. Phoebe: You're not serious, right? Mike: Yeah, I'm serious. It's fun, it's different and no-one else has a name like that! Phoebe: Uhu, uhu, well, then, great. If you love it, I love it. Mike: I do love it, and I love your name. I love Princess Consuela. Phoebe: And I love Crap. Joey: Ow! Girl: Who are you? Joey: Oh, hi, I'm Joey. My stupid friends are buying this house. Who are you? Girl: I'm Mackenzie. My stupid parents are selling this house. Joey: Oh. Mackenzie: I hate my parents. Joey: I hate my friends. Alright, look. There's gotta be a way that we can stop this from happening. Mackenzie: Like what? Joey: Uhm... oh! Okay. You come with me, and you tell them that the house is haunted! Mackenzie: What are you? Eight? Joey: Woah, uh! Okay, let's hear your great idea. Mackenzie: I don't have any great ideas. I am eight. Joey: Ahh! There's gotta be a way. I mean, you know, if Monica and Chandler move out here and now Phoebe is married to Mike. That just leaves me and Ross and Rach, you know what I mean? Mackenzie: I really don't. Joey: What am I gonna do, I feel like I'm losing my friends. Mackenzie: My parents say I'm gonna make new friends. Joey: Oh, yeah, sure, easy for you, you're young. Me, I'm set in my ways. Mackenzie: This is what my mom was talking about. Whiners are wieners. Look, you want your friends to be happy, right? Joey: Yeah, yeah, I guess. Mackenzie: Well, if moving here is gonna make them happy, don't you want them to do it? Joey: Yeah, maybe. Mackenzie: Then you gotta let them go. Joey: I hate to admit it, but you're probably right. How did you get to be so smart? Mackenzie: I read a lot. Joey: Man: Hey Rach, I just heard. I'm so sorry. Rachel: Oh, thank you... Man: You still don't know my name, do you? Rachel: Rachel: Ross, what is taking you so long? Ross: I'm sorry, it's almost as if this wasn't built for a quick getaway! Mark: Rachel? Rachel: Mark: How've you been? Rachel: I'm fantastic. You remember Ross? Mark: Sure, sure. Ross: Uh, you know, you can't always get a seat on the subway, so... Mark: Clever. So how are you? Rachel: Oh, well, you're not catching me on my best day. Mark: Yeah, a box full of your desk stuff doesn't exactly say big promotion. Rachel: No, but it's good, you know, I'm gonna take some time off and do some charity work. Mark: Are you sure, because we may have something at Louis Vuitton. Rachel: Well, screw charity work. What've you got? Mark: Why don't we have dinner tonight and talk about it? Rachel: Great! I'll call ya! Mark: Nice to see you. Ross: Yeah! yeah, I got tenure! Rachel: Oh my God! Ross: See? I told you something good would come along. And he seemed really nice. I've met him before? Rachel: Ross! That's Mark. From Bloomingdales? You were insanely jealous of him. Ross: That is Mark? Rachel: Yes. Ross: I hate that guy. Rachel: Oh. Ross: No, no, NO, you cannot go to dinner with him. Rachel: What? You don't want me to get a job? Ross: Oh yeah, I'm sure he's gonna give you a job. Maybe make you his SEXretary. Rachel: Ugh. Ross: I'm serious. I just don't trust that guy, okay? Rachel: Ross, you know what? Monica: Oh, I love this street. The trees, the big front yards, the actual picket fences. Chandler: Man, those two dogs are going at it! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey. Monica: Hey, where have you been? Joey: Oh, just er... you know, looking around. But you know what? This house... is great. Chandler: Really? What changed your mind? Joey: Oh well, the little girl who lives here made me feel a lot better about the whole thing. Chandler: Joey, there was a little girl who lived here, but she died like 30 years ago. Joey: What? Chandler: Ha! I'm just messing with you. Joey: That's not funny! You know I'm afraid of little girl ghosts! Monica: Joey, now that you're okay with the house, do you wanna go see your room? Joey: What? I get my own room? Chandler: You don't think we'd buy a house and not have a Joey room do you? Joey: Oh my God! Oh! Hey, can I have an aquarium? And a sex swing? Chandler and Monica: No! Joey: Why not? I'll keep the tank clean. Mike: After you, miss Banana Hammock. Phoebe: Thank you, mister Bag. Woman: Oh hey, how are you? Phoebe: Oh hi Rita! Good! Oh, Rita's a massage client. Mike: Oh! Why don't you introduce me? Phoebe: Er, Rita, this is my husband. Rita: Oh! Phoebe: Yeah. Mike: Why don't you tell her my name? Phoebe: This is my husband Crap Bag. Rita: Crap Bag? Mike: If you need an easy way to remember it, just think of a bag of crap. Rita: Okay. Excuse me... Phoebe: Yeah... Ogh... Okay, fine. You made your point. Can you please just be Mike Hannigan again? Mike: Only if you'll be Phoebe Buffay. Phoebe: How about uhm... How about Buffay-Hannigan? Mike: Really? Phoebe: Yeah. I'm Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan Banana Hammock. Mike: Do you even know what a banana hammock is? Phoebe: It's a funny word. Mike: It's a Speedo. Phoebe: ...Oh crap! Ross: Hey, is Rachel here? Monica: No. Ross: She's still at dinner? Monica: I guess. Why? Who's she with? Ross: That guy Mark. From Bloomingdale's... She thinks he's just being nice to her. But I know he really wants to sleep with her. Chandler: It's seven years ago. My time machine works! Ross: We ran into him on the street today and he said he might have a job for her. But I know he just wants to get into her pants. Monica: So what if he wants to sleep with her? I mean, she's single and he's cute. Chandler: Excuse me? Monica: Oh please! Yesterday on the subway? You couldn't stop staring at that woman with the big breasts the whole time. Chandler: For your information, I was staring at her baby. We're about to be parents. Monica: Oh, sorry! Rachel: Hi you guys! Ross: Hey, so uhm... How was dinner? Rachel: Oh, it was great. Mark is so sweet. Ross: Oh yeah? Yeah? I wonder why? What could that smarmy letch possibly want? Rachel: Oh Ross, come on. He's happily married. His wife just had twins. Ross: Should we send something? Chandler: How did the job stuff go? Rachel: He offered me one. Chandler: That's great! Ross: Congratulations! Rachel: I know, it's amazing. It's amazing. It's so much better than what I had at Ralph Lauren. The money is great... Ross: Can we, can we just stop for a second? Who said something better would come along, huh? You didn't believe me. I told you everything was gonna work out. You know what? This calls for a bottle of Israels finest. Rachel: The job is in Paris. COMMERCIAL BREAK Joey: I mean, this soap opera is a great gig, but... am I missing opportunities? You know, I've always thought of myself as a serious actor. I mean, should I be trying to do more independent movies? Mackenzie: Joey: Hey bear, I need some career advice. THE END Teleplay by: Tracy Reilly Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Sebastiano & Vanessa Jennifer: Previously on Friends... Chandler: How did the job stuff go? Rachel: He offered me one. Ross: You know what? This calls for a bottle of Israels finest. Rachel: The job is in Paris. FADE OUT Rachel: Oh, God! Please, somebody say something. Ross: So if you take this job you'll be moving to Paris? Chandler: Or facing a bitch of a commute. Rachel: I know, it's huge, and it's scary, and it's... really far, far away from you guys, but this is such an incredible opportunity for me. And I've already talked to them about our situation with Emma, and they said they'll do whatever we need to make us feel comfortable. Ross: Okay. Rachel: I mean, I'll fly back and forth, they'll fly you out... Anything we want. Chandler: My boss said I might be getting a new lamp in my cubicle. Ross: All right, we'll work it out. Rachel: Thank you! Thank you! Ross: Yeah, yeah! You sure this is what you want? Rachel: I think it is. Phoebe: Ooh, what's going on? Rachel: I got a really incredible job offer. Joey: Hey, great! All right! Phoebe: Good for you! Rachel: It's in Paris. Joey: What? No, no, no! No, no... no... no, no... No, too much is changing, okay? First, Phoebe getting married ... and then these two move into a stupid house in the stupid suburbs... Monica: Hey, this afternoon you said you'd be supportive... Joey: Well, it comes and goes. I wouldn't trust it. Rachel: Look, you guys... this is really, really important to me. And it means a lot if you could try to get on board. Phoebe: Of course we can. Congratulations. Joey... Joey: No, no, no. My hugs are reserved for people STAYING IN AMERICA. Rachel: Joey, it would mean so... Joey: Hey! No! Get your France-going-arms away from me. Rachel: Joey... Phoebe: You okay with this? Chandler: Well, it makes me feel sad, but... Phoebe: Talking to Ross. Chandler: I see. Ross: Well, Rachel moving to another country? Not being able to see her every day. How can I be okay with this? Monica: I know, but what are we gonna do? She really needs this job. Ross: Do you think if the Ralph Lauren people offered her her old job back, she would take it? Monica: How is that gonna happen? Chandler: Is this the best way to use one of your three magic wishes? Ross: I don't know. I could talk to her boss. Yeah! I met him at that Christmas party. We really hit it off. Monica: You mean the guy who kept calling you Ron? Ross: I didn't say we were brothers. OPENING CREDITS Monica: Hey Phoebe. Hey, tell me what you think. All right. The house next door to the one that we're buying in Westchester? Just went on the market. I wanna take a look at it, but Chandler doesn't. Chandler: We close escrow tomorrow, so seeing another house can only confuse us, and we're easily confused. We're not very bright. Monica: But what if it is better than ours? Should we at least look? Chandler: What do you think Pheebs? Phoebe: Well, I think that shirt makes you look like you should work at a Baskin Robbins... Anyway... Hey, isn't Joey's agent Estelle Leonard? Chandler: Yeah. Phoebe: She died. Chandler: You're kidding! Monica: That's terrible! Phoebe: Yeah, last Saturday. Wow! She was the first black man to fly solo across the Atlantic. Oh, wait a minute, I read the wrong one. Chandler: Oh yeah? Phoebe: Yeah, she was just an agent. Monica: Joey's gonna be *so* upset. Chandler: I know. *He* always wanted to be the first black man to cross the Atlantic. Phoebe: Well, we cannot tell Joey about this. He's already flipping out about everything that's changing. This will push him over the edge. Monica: Seriously, you don't think we should tell him? Phoebe: Well, not for a little while. Let's just give him a few days to get used to everything else. Monica: What if he reads it in the paper? Chandler: Unless Snoopy says it to Charlie Brown, I think we're okay. Ross: Yeah, I'm a friend of Rachel Green's. Uhm, actually we met at the Christmas party about two years ago. Mr Zelner: Oh right, uhm, Don? Ross: Close. Ron. Mr Zelner: Uh... What can I do for you? Ross: Uhm, well... I'm here to see if you'll give Rachel her job back. Mr Zelner: Ah, did she ask you to come here and do this? Ross: Oh, no. At first I have to get you to agree. Then we'll see if she wants to come back. Mr Zelner: Wow, that is tempting. Ross: Look, she loved her job here. And let's face it: you're not gonna find anyone who did it as well as she did it. Isn't that true? Mr Zelner: She is good! Ross: Huh, I took a shot there. Mr Zelner: But I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do... Ah, it's not true, there is... nothing I want to do. Ross: I see... Thanks very much. Is this your son? Mr Zelner: Yeah, his name is Ross. What? Ross: Oh, nothing, it’s just, it’s close to Ron. Does he.. Does little Ross like dinosaurs by any chance? Mr Zelner: Yeah, they're all he talks about, why? Ross: How would he like to come with me to the Museum of Natural History after everyone else has left, just the two of us, and he can touch anything he wants. . I just heard it as you must have heard it and that’s not good. Let me start again. I’m a paleontologist, you’ll be there with us and the touching refers only to bones… fossils! Mr Zelner: You can really arrange that? Ross: You let Rachel come back, and it’s done. Mr Zelner: Well, I guess having Rachel back wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. Ross: Yeah! Yes! Thank you! This is great. Thank you so much. And I swear, your kid is going to have the time of his life. Mr Zelner: That’s great. I worry about little Ross. He’s always reading, he's collecting rocks and he’s obsessed with dinosaurs. Ross: He’ll be fine. Joey: Hey Phoebe. Phoebe: Hey. Everything ok? Joey: I’m just mad at my agent. Phoebe: Estelle? Why? Joey: There’s a part in a TV movie that I would be perfect for and I didn’t even be put up for it! She’d better have a good reason. Phoebe: I’m guessing she does. Joey: Well I’m wanna hear it, because she keeps doing this. Phoebe: Well, no, no, wait, wait, wait. All right, I gotta go. Just listen. Promise me, that you will wait a minute before you call her. Joey: Ok. Why? Phoebe: Because a promise between friends means never having to give a reason. Joey: I love that saying! Joey: Hello? Phoebe : Joey, it’s Estelle. Joey: I was just gonna call you! That’s weird. Phoebe-Estelle: It’s a little coincidental, but believable. . Listen, I’m sure you’re wondering why I didn’t get you an audition for that TV movie. Joey: Yeah, actually I am! Phoebe-Estelle: I guess I dropped the ball there. Whoopsie! Joey: That’s it? You know, it seems all you do lately is drop the ball. Phoebe-Estelle: Don’t take that tone with me. Who you think you are? Alan Lemond, the first black man to fly solo across the Atlantic? Joey: No, no, look. All I’m saying is that you’re my agent, ok? And you’re not getting me into any auditions and I’m tired of it. Phoebe-Estelle: What are you saying? Joey: I’m saying that… . Phoebe: Man, tough week for Estelle! Ross: Hi. Rachel: Hi. Ross: Emma left her stuffed t-rex at my house. You know she can’t sleep without it. Rachel: Oh, well, she’s asleep now. Stop forcing that thing on her. Ross: Ok. Rachel: Oh, you’re not gonna believe what happened to me today! Ralph Lauren called, and gave me my job back! Ross: Nooo! Rachel: Yee. I mean, it was so weirdest thing. They fired me and then out of nowhere they just hire me back! I mean, that place must have been falling apart without me. Ross: So, you’re not going to Paris. Rachel: No, I’m still going. Ross: Wh… wh…what? Rachel: When the Louis Vuitton people found out that Ralph Lauren wanted me back, the offered me more money! Isn’t that great? Ross: Yeeeah! Lady: Oh, sure. I’m showing it to someone else right now, but please, look around. Monica: Thanks. Chandler: It feels like we’re cheating on our house. And if we’re gonna cheat, shouldn’t it be with like a hot, younger house, that does stuff that our house won’t do? Monica: Ours is so much better! This living room is smaller, the dining room looks like a cave! What a hole! Lady: So? What do you think? Monica: Love it! Lady: Well, we already have one offer on it, and I think the lady upstairs is goning to make another one. Monica: They could be our neighbors, what are they like? Lady: Oh, the woman upstairs is very nice. She and her husband have two kids, he's on Wall Street and she… Janice: Oh my God! Chandler : Sure. Phoebe: Hey Joey, want come with me to… are you ok? Joey: Yeah, I just… I just feel bad about firing Estelle. This is got to be killing her. Phoebe: No, that wouldn’t kill her. Ordinary embolism might. Joey: I don’t know. She’s got to be taking it hard, I was like her only client. Except for this guy who eats paper. And I’m guessing he eats more money than he makes. Look, I know she’s not a great agent, but she did stick with me for ten years. I’m gonna call her and hire her again. Phoebe: No, no, no! Don't call her! You wait for her to call you Joey: Why? Phoebe: Because patience is the road to understanding which ... is the key... to a happy heart. Joey: You blow me away. Phoebe: All right, so promise you're gonna wait for her to call you? Joey: I promise. And that means, never having to give a reason. Chandler: And yet I never run into Beyonce! Realtor: You two know each other? Janice: Oh, we go way back. Before Monica made an honest man out of him, Chandler used to be my little love muffin! Chandler: Monica: No, actually, we're buying the house next door. Chandler: Why!? Monica: I don't know why. Janice: Ooh, that decides it then. I was on the fence. But knowing that you two would be our neighbors? Ah! now we have to get it! Chandler: This can not be happening! Monica: Okay, the realtor said another couple made an offer. Maybe the Janice's won't get it! Maybe the other couple will. Chandler: The only way that that is going to happen, is if the other couple are the Hitlers. Monica: All right. What if we got both houses? Huh? We can turn this house into a guest house. Chandler: That is a great idea! And by the way, I don't mean to sound distasteful, but when did you start crapping money!? Monica: Okay, you come up with an idea. Chandler: Alright alright, we still have three hours till escrow closes on our house. We can still get out. Monica: But we love our house. Chandler: Will we love it so much with her next door? And she's gonna be louder out here too. Just the crickets and "Oh My God"! Monica: Okay, but if we don't get this house, she's stil gonna show up wherever we go! I mean, at least if she's here, it eliminates the element of suprise. I mean, never again will you have to hear the three words that make your balls jump back up inside your body. Chandler: r Zelner: Who is it? Ross: Look, I um, I now Rachel turned you down but I think there is a way you might be able to get her to come back. Mr Zelner: This may surprise you, but re-hiring fired employees, is not my main job. Ross: Just hear me out. How would you feel about offering her a raise? Mr Zelner: Not good, Ron. Ross: Perhaps I can persuade you. What if you can give your son this replica. Mr Zelner: Ross: Huh? So? We have a deal? Mr Zelner: Okay, you got it. Ross: Yes! yes! Mr Zelner: This is gonna make me very popular. Ross: Oh, Believe me, the ladies, they love it! Mr Zelner: I meant with my son. Ross: Good, 'cause the ladies, not so much. Joey: Oh my God. Hello? Phoebe: Joey: Estelle? Phoebe: Yeah, I wanted to call and tell you that there's no hard feelings for firing me. Joey: Ok-ay. I just, I can't believe you're calling me? Phoebe: Well, I didn't think I should just drop by... Joey: No, no, no! Don't drop by, don't drop by! Phoebe: Anyway, you did what you had to do. I'm okay. Joey: Can I ask you something? Uhm, what's it like there? Phoebe: It's alright. Look kiddo, I gotta go. Good luck with the career. You're gonna be huge. Joey: Thanks for everything Estelle. Bye. "out of area". Boy, I'll say. Chandler: The Hitlers will be so disappointed. Janice: All right, I got to run. Tell Monica I say goodbye. And... I'll see you later, neighbor. Chandler: Wait! I just want you to know that... I'm so happy you're going to be here. Janice: Oh, me too... Chandler: Because... that way... we can pick up where we left off. Janice: Huh? Chandler: I never stopped loving you. Janice: Oh... my... Chandler: Yeah, yeah, yeah! I want you... I need you... I must have you Janice Litman Goralnik Neihosenstein. Janice: Chandler, what are you talking about? Chandler: Now that you live next door, we can be together every day. Sid and Monica never have to know a thing. Janice: I don't know what to say... I mean, you know, obviously we have this... heat between us. Chandler: Obviously. Janice: But I love my husband. And I know you love your wife. Now, I don't think we should get this house now. Chandler: Don't say that. Don't tangle the dream and take it away. Janice: Chandler, one of us has got to be strong. Chandler: I understand. Janice: Although, maybe just... one last moment of weakness... Chandler: They're never coming down now. Rachel: Hi! Ross: Hey! Rachel: You are never going to believe what happened to me today. Ross: What? Rachel: Ralph Lauren called again and they offered me more money. Ross: They did? Rachel: Yeah. It was the weirdest thing. Zelner called me and he said we'll do everything we can to get you back. And that I should thank some Ron... I don't even know what department that guy's in. Ross: So, what are you gonna do? Rachel: Well, I took it. Ross: That's great! So you're staying in New York! Both: YAY! WHOO! YAY! Ross: You're excited, right? Rachel: Ye-ah. Yeah! You know, the money's great. It's certainly the easier choice... Ross: Right! Rachel: Yeah, you know, was I looking forward to going to Paris? Sure. You know, was I excited about working in the fashion capital of the world? Ooh, absolutely... Oh...! Yeah, but you know, this is... it's fine. I'm fine going back to a job where I've pretty much gotten everything out of that I possibly can... Ross: Uhm, I hadn't no you... I had no idea you were so excited about Paris. Uhm, I mean, you said you were scared. Rachel: Well yeah, but I mean, it was good scared though, you know? Like when I-moved-to-New-York scared. Or uhm, when I-found-out-I-was-gonna-have-Emma scared... But this is... fine. This is gonna be good. Ross: You should go. Rachel: What? Ross: It's what you want. You should go. Rachel: You really think so? Ross: I really do. Rachel: But I already told Zelner that I would come back... Ross: I'm sure he'll understand. Rachel: All right. ALL RIGHT! I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna go to Paris. Ross: Yeah... Rachel: Yeah! I'm going to Paris. Thank you, Ross! Ross: Yeah, yeah, oh! Rachel: Oh! Oh, I'm so happy. Ross: Then I'm happy too. COMMERCIAL BREAK Joey: Thank you all for coming. We're here today to pay respects to a wonderful agent and a beautiful woman... THE END Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa Final check by Kim Joey: All right, all right, all right, let's play one more time, ok? And remember, if I win you do not move to Paris. Rachel: Ok! Can't believe I'm risking this again, but you're on! All right Joe, you remember the rules! Heads I win, tails you lose. Joey: Just flip! Rachel : Ha, tails! Joey: Damnit! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey! Chandler: So we thought we'd throw you little going away party around seven. Rachel: Oh, that sounds good! Monica: Hey, Rach, you're leaving tomorrow, shouldn't you be packing? Rachel: It's all done! Monica: Oh, yeah, right! And after I took a shower this morning I just threw my towel on the floor! Oh God, it hurts to even joke about it. Rachel: I know... Honey, seriously, I did it all. The luggage that I'm taking is in the bedroom, this is Emma's Paris stuff, these are the boxes that I'm having shipped, and that's the sandwich that I made for the plane... Monica: Ok, so you've done some good work! What about your carry-ons? Rachel: Oh, well. Everything that I need is in here and my travel documents are on the counter organized in the order that I will be needing them. Monica: Oh my God! I have nothing left to teach you! Chandler: Where's your passport? Rachel: It should be right next to my plane ticket. Chandler: Well, it's not. Rachel: What? Maybe I put it in here . Oh, oh, it's not in there! Oh, no! I must have packed it in one of these boxes! Monica: Here, let me help you. Rachel: Shoot. Oh, I can't believe I did this! Chandler : At what point did it stop being funny that I took her passport? OPENING SEQUENCE Monica: Oh, wow, can you believe you're like three weeks away? Erica: I know. Monica: You don't mind me touching your belly, do you? Erica: No, I don't mind you touching my belly, but right now your hand is kind of blocking the part where the baby is gonna come out. Ross: Hey! Erica: Hi. Ross: Hey Erica, welcome back to town! Wow, look how big you've gotten. Erica: That's because I'm pregnant! Ross: Right, no, I understand. Erica: Oh, ok. I'm just always afraid that people think I'm just fat with big breasts. Ross: No, no, I knew . Monica : Okay, well, stop staring at them. Ross: She brought them up! I didn't realize you were coming back so soon! Erica: Hey, well, in a couple of weeks I won't be able to travel. Monica: Yeah, and I wanted her to get to know the doctors and get settled into the hotel. Ross: Hotel? Why isn't she staying with you guys? Monica: Because we're moving in a couple of days and it just didn't make sense. Erica: Plus hotels are fun! My room has this little fridge full of free snacks! Ross: Erica, those things aren't free. In fact they have one of the highest mark-ups of any consumer product... Monica: Ross! She's giving us her baby. She can eat you if she wants. Erica : I'll be right back. Ross: Oh man, I can't believe you guys are leaving this place. Monica: Oh, I know. I know. Hey, you know, you can take it if you want! The lease is still in Nana's name. Ross: No, no. This will always be your place. It would be too sad. Plus, how much a month does it cost to feed Joey? Monica: Yeah, it takes two incomes. Ross: Hey, is Chandler here? We talked about catching a movie. Monica: Oh, no. He doesn't have time for that. But if you want, you can go help him and Joey pack up the guest room. Ross: Mhm, packing - sexy cheerleader comedy. Monica: Mhm, helpful brother - creepy loner at teen movie. Ross: What are you guys doing? Joey: Try it, I can't feel a thing! Monica : Are, are you kidding? This is packing? Chandler: We're taking a break! Monica: From? Chandler: Jumping on the bed? Monica: All right, Rachel's party is in a couple of hours and there's a lot to do. Now, Ross, you got Geller blood, you're in charge of these yahoos! Ross: You got it! Let's put styrofoam peanuts down his pants and kick him! Chandler: No, no, no, guys. She's right. We should get to work. I'll take stuff out of the closet, Joey you pack 'em and Ross you re-pack whatever Joey packs. Joey: You guys hear a ringing? Chandler: What the hell is this? Joey: Hey! Handcuffs! And fur line, nice! I didn't know you guys had it in ya! Ross: Chandler, you don't have a sister so you can't understand how much this bums me out. Chandler: I didn't know Monica had these! Joey: Mhm, maybe she used them with another boyfriend. Maybe Richard! Chandler: Why would she use them with Richard and not me? I can be kinky! I once did a naked dance for her... with scarves! Ross: Bumming hard, guys, bumming hard. Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey! Where's Mike? Phoebe: Oh, he has a gig. I kinda like being married to a rock star, you know. My husband has a gig. Ross: Yeah? Yeah, where is it? Phoebe: Oh, he's playing organ for a children's roller-skating party. Ross: Rock on! Phoebe What is all this stuff? Monica: Well, I thought this would be a great opportunity to use up all the food that I don't want to move to the new house with me! So, enjoy: smoke oyster casserole with a breakfast cereal crust, kidney beans in their own juices, and for dessert, a questionable orange. Joey: Hey. Chandler: Hey. Ross: Hey, where's Rach? Joey: Oh, she's putting Emma down, she'll be over in a second. Ross: Great. Joey: Now it just hit her that she's leaving and she's kind of emotional so no one say anything to set her off, ok? Monica: Yeah. Everybody: Hey Rach, hey you. Ross: Here she is! Rachel : Hi you guys! Joey: What did I just say? Rachel: No, no, no. It's ok. I'm gonna be fine. Monica: Come here, I'll make you a drink. Ross: Oh, man! I can't believe she's actually leaving. How am I gonna say goodbye to Rachel? Chandler: I know, she's been such a big part of my life. And it feels like when Melrose Place got cancelled. I mean... oh, forget it. I miss Melrose Place! Joey : You know, I had a chance to stop her too! Ross: Yeah? Joey: Who loses fifty seven coin tosses in a row? Head she wins, tails I lose. Wait a minute... Chandler: Yes, Joe? Joey: I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning! Phoebe : You doing ok? Rachel: Well, I've been better. Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Rachel: You guys are gonna come and visit me, right? Phoebe: Yes! You know, in six months the Statute of Limitations runs out and I can travel internationally again! Rachel: I'm gonna miss you so much. Phoebe: I know. Rachel: You know what? Uhm, I have some goodbye stuff that I wanted to say to each of you and I was gonna save it until the end of the night, but come here . Ross: Hey, what do you think they're doing in there? Joey: Huh, if I had to guess I'd say Rachel is putting on the bubble wrap and Phoebe is doing the punching. Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, I don't even know where to start. Phoebe: Ok well, before you do, I know we weren't supposed to get you going away presents, but I do have something for you. Rachel: Oh, oh. . What is this? Phoebe: It's a cotton swab with a bit of my saliva on it, so that if they perfect the cloning process while you are over there, you can use the DNA to create your own Pheebs! Rachel: I'm gonna throw this away, but thank you so much for the gesture! Monica: Chandler? I was just in our bedroom and I found these on my pillow. Chandler: Oh, yes. I decided to leave these out for you in case Richard stops by and you wanna engage on a little light bondage and moustache play! Monica: What are you talking about? These aren't mine. Chandler: Oh yeah, right! Good luck getting another scarf dance from me! Monica: That would be a terrible punishment. But, I'm serious, I've never seen these before. Chandler: Really? Then what are they doing in our guestroom? Monica: Rachel used to live in that room. Chandler: Rachel... with handcuffs! Interesting! Monica: Joey's bare ass! Chandler: . Well played. Rachel: I love you Phoebe. Phoebe: I love you too. Rachel: All right. Well, if I gonna do this, I'd better keep going. Phoebe: Ok. Rachel: Ok. Monica? Monica: Yeah? Rachel: Can you come here with me for a minute? Monica: Sure. Phoebe: Are you wearing waterproof mascara? Monica: No. Phoebe: Oh, you're so screwed. Ross: Hey. What was that all about? Phoebe: She's gonna say goodbye to each of us individually. Ross: Are you kidding? Oh my God... Phoebe: Yeah, I know, it's gonna be even worse for you... God... Ross, get ready to do some serious crying. Ross: Oh, man, I'm not going to be able to handle this. Now I know how my students feel at the end of each year. And why they act out by giving me such bad evaluations. Rachel: Mon... Okay... I've gotta... just say what it is I'm gonna say... None of the amazing things that have happened to me in the last ten years, would have happened if it wasn't for you. No-one has been more like a sister to me... Monica: I know what you mean. You're like a sister to me too. Rachel: I wouldn't know what I'm gonna do without you... Monica: You're the best friend I ever had. Rachel: Monica: What? Rachel: I... I... I... Monica: That is so sweet. Ross: Oh no, she took down Monica... And I'm the crier in the family. Oh God! I could be next. Maybe she won't talk with me if it looks like we're deep in converstation. Oh, so that thing you said about the thing. It really made me think about that other thing. Chandler: Uh, Rach? Ross: Well it's okay. Chandler is talking to her. Joey: I really made you think about that thing uh? Chandler: Rachel: Oh, I'm sure gonna miss pretending to laugh at your weird jokes that I don't get. Chandler: No, no, no... They're really yours. We... found them in your old room. Rachel: Well, these aren't mine. Maybe Monica used to use them with... Chandler: Don't say Richard! Well, if they're not Monica's and they're not yours, then whose are they? Rachel: Well, I think you're forgetting the kinkiest former resident of that room. Chandler: Pheebs! Phoebe: Yeah! Chandler: I think these are yours. Phoebe: These are not mine... Look how flimsy they are, come on! Good God! You try to hang a guy from a waterpipe with these, they'll snap like a piece of licorice. Rachel: Can I talk to you alone for a minute? Chandler: Sure. You don't really handcuff guys to waterpipes do you? Phoebe: Where do you think Mike really is? Rachel: Oh honey... Chandler: Let me just say something... Because once we get into this, I'm gonna get all uncomfortable and probably make some stupid joke... I just want to say that I... I love you... And, I'm gonna miss you. And I'm so sad that you're leaving. Rachel: Chandler: Ooh, not so tight... I'm sorry, just give me one more chance. Rachel: Okay. Oh... Rachel: Oh! Chandler: I'm sor... Just go. Just go. I can't, I can't. Monica: So, I guess you're next. You're ready? Ross: I don't think so. Chandler: Oh, you're definately not. I haven't cried like that in years. Monica: You cried yesterday at the six o'clock news. Chandler: That old woman was being scammed by her mechanic. Ross: God! I can't believe she saved me for last. Why are they taking so long? Phoebe: I don't know. But, God, Joey seems to be handling it suprisingly well. All: No, no, no, no! Ross: Okay, here we go... Rachel: Oh... Well... Ross: Yeah... Rachel: I think I'm gonna take off. Ross: Huh? Rachel: Oh, you guys. This was an amazing night. Thank you so much. I love you. Good night. Ross: What? I don't get a goodbye? Joey: Lucky bastard! Ross: Unbelievable. She says goodbye to everyone but me. Monica: Well, maybe she thought that with all of your history it could be, you know, implicit. Ross: Well, it needs to be plicit. Joey: All right, let's think about this. I mean, there's got to be an explanation. Uh... did you do anything to make her mad? Ross: No, I don't think so. Phoebe: You know, maybe she was just really spent from our talk. It was pretty intense. Monica: Yeah. Mine too. Chandler: Mine was a humdinger Ross: Phoebe: Ross, if you're this upset, you should go and talk to her. Monica: And say what? "You owe me a goodbye", I mean, he's got more pride than that. Ross: THE HELL I DO! Ross: I don't get a goodbye? Rachel: What? Ross: Everyone gets a goodbye but me? What have I got to do to get a goodbye, huh? Be best friends with you? Uh, go out with you? Have a baby with you? Oh wait a minute, wait a minute, I did all those things. Rachel: Ross... Ross: Oh no, maybe it's me, I'm just not giving you enough credit. Uh, I mean it is difficult to say goodbye to five people. Uh, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, good... Monica: I hope Ross isn't too upset. Joey: I'm sure he's not more bummed out than I am. Phoebe: Tell me about it. Chandler: Well, you can't say we don't know how to throw a party. Phoebe: All right, I think I'm gonna head out. Monica: Uh, where do you think you're going? Phoebe: I thought I was going home to go to bed, but I'm sensing there's something less fun for me to do here. Monica: We're moving in a couple of days and we've got a lot of packing to do. It would be great if you guys could pitch in. Chandler: Joey and I can finish up in the guest room. Joey: Oh, yeah, yeah, good idea. Monica: Oh no! You and Phoebe are gonna help me in here. Chandler: Monica: Okay, we're gonna start in the kitchen. Plates get put into plate protectors and stacked ten to a box. The silverware gets bundled in rubber bands and then bubble wrapped. Got it? Phoebe and Joey: Yeah. Monica: Good! Now I need you to be careful and efficient. And remember, if I am harsh with you, it is only because you are doing it wrong. Chandler: Hey Mon, I think I figured out whose handcuffs they are. Monica: You did? How? Chandler: Well, I was cleaning out the closet and I found some pictures of them... being used. Monica: Oh my God! Let me see. Joey: Who's that dirty old lady? Chandler: Monica's grandmother. Monica: Nana liked it rough! Erica: Hi! All: Hey! Joey: Come on here, have a seat. Phoebe: How was your night? Erica: Oh, it was okay. I went to a movie with my cousin and then out for dinner. We went to this place that had... Ooh... Hoo... ooh... Anyway, they had these really amazing cheeseburgers. Monica: Erica, are you okay? Erica: Yeah, you know, maybe I ate too much. I keep getting these stomach aches. They come and go like every few minutes. Monica: Oh my God! Chandler: Relax! We just get her some antacids. Monica: She doesn't have a stomach ache, she's in labor. Chandler: Oh my God! Phoebe: Yeah, you got to get to the hospital. Monica: All right, Chandler get the coats. Erica let's go. Phoebe and Joey, keep packing! Oh my God we're gonna have a baby. All right. We're gonna have a baby! OH MY GOD, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BABY! Oh God, oh God, I got to sit down, I got to sit down. Ooh! Chandler: Honey, it's gonna be okay. Erica: You can do this. Just breathe. Monica: Okay, okay... Okay, I feel a little better. Erica: Ooh! Are you sure? Monica: Oh... Yes, I'm sure. Oh honey, let's go. Okay bye everyone. Joey: Chandler, wait, wait, wait... Chandler: What? Joey: If you get a second, find out where she got that cheeseburger. Rachel: You really think I didn't say goodbye to you because I don't care? Ross: That's what it seemed like. Rachel: I cannot believe that after ten years, you do not know ONE thing about me. Ross: Fine, then why didn't you say something? Rachel: Because it is too damn hard Ross. I can't even begin to explain to you how much I'm gonna miss you. When I think about not seeing you every day, it makes me not want to go... Okay, so if you think that I didn't say goodbye to you because you don't mean as much to me as everybody else, you're wrong. It's because you mean more to me. So there, all right, there's your goodbye... Oh! Ross: Rach! Rachel: What? Ross: You keep, you keep... You can't... Rachel: WHAT? COMMERCIAL BREAK Joey: A little more. Phoebe: Okay. Joey: A little more, a little more. A little more... All right. Okay, all right, let's do this. Phoebe: All right, ready? Joey: Yeah. All right, now give me your best shot. Phoebe: All right, here it goes... Joey: THE END