{ "cells": [ { "cell_type": "code", "execution_count": 1, "metadata": {}, "outputs": [ { "name": "stderr", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\gensim\\utils.py:1197: UserWarning: detected Windows; aliasing chunkize to chunkize_serial\n", " warnings.warn(\"detected Windows; aliasing chunkize to chunkize_serial\")\n" ] } ], "source": [ "'''\n", "\n", "This script will create Word2Vec dimesnions for every row in our dataset and then run a few baseline models. \n", "\n", "1) First we create word vectors for every row, then just average those word vectors to create sentence vectors.\n", "2) Apply baseline models using following scoring metric and plot them for comparison\n", " -accuracy\n", " -recall (positive class i.e jokes important not to miss)\n", "\n", "'''\n", "\n", "#Import required libraries\n", "import pandas as pd\n", "from gensim.models import Word2Vec\n", "\n", "from sklearn import model_selection\n", "from sklearn.linear_model import LogisticRegression\n", "from sklearn.tree import DecisionTreeClassifier\n", "from sklearn.neighbors import KNeighborsClassifier\n", "from sklearn.discriminant_analysis import LinearDiscriminantAnalysis\n", "from sklearn.naive_bayes import GaussianNB\n", "from sklearn.svm import SVC\n", "\n", "from sklearn import feature_selection\n", "from sklearn import model_selection\n", "from sklearn import metrics\n", "\n", "#Visualization\n", "import matplotlib as mpl\n", "import matplotlib.pyplot as plt\n", "import matplotlib.pylab as pylab\n", "import seaborn as sns\n", "from pandas.tools.plotting import scatter_matrix\n", "\n", "#Configure Visualization Defaults\n", "#%matplotlib inline = show plots in Jupyter Notebook browser\n", "%matplotlib inline\n", "mpl.style.use('ggplot')\n", "sns.set_style('white')\n", "pylab.rcParams['figure.figsize'] = 12,8" ] }, { "cell_type": "code", "execution_count": 2, "metadata": {}, "outputs": [ { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "19422\n" ] } ], "source": [ "#Read created input data\n", "df=pd.read_csv('datasets/Final_data.csv')\n", "\n", "print(len(df))" ] }, { "cell_type": "code", "execution_count": 3, "metadata": {}, "outputs": [], "source": [ "df=df[~df.sentence.isnull()]" ] }, { "cell_type": "code", "execution_count": 4, "metadata": {}, "outputs": [ { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "Zoomlion confirms offer for U.S crane maker Terex \n", "\n", "me: [googling] lose weight\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "google: eat healthy and exercise\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running\n", "\n", "The first human sacrifice of summer solstice always makes me feel so pretty.\n", "\n", "China stocks slump 7 percent, triggering circuit breaker \n", "\n", "It Is Never Too Late To Learn\n", "\n", "Dear IRS, please cancel my subscription.\n", "\n", "There are six black , fleshy filaments , the first pair near the head , the second on the thorax , and the third at the end of the abdomen.\n", "\n", "There was a strike at work today! But then that's not unusual when you work in a bowling alley.\n", "\n", "I'm giving away my roof for free It's on the house!\n", "\n", "Hmmmm I’m worried about u guys\n", "\n", "Why has the pope never won a gold medal? Because he always came in a little behind.\n", "\n", "Statistics show that teen pregnancy rapidly drop after the age of 19.\n", "\n", "Myanmar army chief pushes against quick changes to constitution \n", "\n", "*Send foods\n", "\n", "Don DeLillo is an Italian-American author whose work paints a detailed portrait of American life in the late 20th and early 21st centuries.\n", "\n", "As leaders gather, Oxfam suggests global inequality is at levels not seen in over a century: \n", "\n", "<) )╯\r", "\r", "\r\n", " / \\\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Don't you wish your girlfriend\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\\\r", "\r", "\r\n", " ( (>\r", "\r", "\r\n", " / \\\r", "\r", "\r\n", "had teeth like me?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", "<) )>\r", "\r", "\r\n", " / \\\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Denture?\n", "\n", "Why don't Mexicans barbeque? Because the beans slip through the grill\n", "\n", "Ugandan opposition leader says vote will not be free or fair \n", "\n", "Pakistan hangs man who killed governor over call to reform blasphemy law: \n", "\n", "How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but that lightbulb has to want to change.\n", "\n", "The End Crowns The Work\n", "\n", "waiter: how's everything so far\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: what do you mean\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "waiter: i... just want to know how things are so far\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: they're not \"so far.\" we're right in front of you. whats your deal\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "waiter: bro i just did shrooms\n", "\n", "Guys the emoji is so good, it shows so much yet so little emotion \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Her: I’m breaking up with you \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Mom: you’re adopted \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Verizon: you are out of data, please upgrade to unlimited or wait until the next data cycle \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: \n", "\n", "U.N. war crimes investigators gathering testimony from starving Syrian town \n", "\n", "Syrian govt. accepts halt to 'combat operations' in line with U.S.-Russian plan \n", "\n", "The head of Ornitholestes was relatively small.\n", "\n", "Selfie Sunday!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Post a selfie/pet pic/something you love.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "This weekend was both super slow and went by way too fast. I don't know what I actually got done, but I'm sure I did something But I am going to game night this week\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "What are your plans for the week?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Happy Sunday!\n", "\n", "In the U.S. , the set includes the standard edition 's 12 tracks , with three all new tracks - the lead U.S. number-one single `` Take a Bow '' , a remix of `` If I Never See Your Face Again '' with Maroon 5 , and the U.S. number-one single `` Disturbia . ''\n", "\n", "EPA says it acted too slowly on Flint water crisis: \n", "\n", "Elections take place every three years , with one-third of the judges retiring each time , in order to ensure continuity within the court.\n", "\n", "A Great Ship Asks Deep Waters\n", "\n", "Not every conjecture ends up being proven true or false.\n", "\n", "Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you're bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it's known as Squid Pro Quo.\n", "\n", "huh. Not having a personality is a personality trait. who knew\n", "\n", "The noxious animals may display by slow flying , and in general are prominently visible.\n", "\n", "My family's new television has parental control.\r\n", "\r\n", "I'm gonna use it to get my mom to make me a sandwich.\n", "\n", "When Dad died I vowed not to follow in his footsteps, I'd take a different path. In fact I'd avoid minefields altogether.\n", "\n", "The meaning of the name is Live , or Lieb for life or loveley , and - werde from werda means island , high place in a wather.\n", "\n", " Bank of England policymakers vote 8-1 to hold rates at 0.5 percent\n", "\n", "In 1932 , her mother died from a heart attack.\n", "\n", "New York Stock Exchange owner ICE may gatecrash Deutsche Boerse-LSE merger: \n", "\n", "The hardest thing about days when I exercise is finding the time to eat one thousand reward Oreos.\n", "\n", "With eye on Britain's top job, Boris Johnson keeps Cameron guessing over EU deal: \n", "\n", "Obama unveils wage insurance plan to spur job seekers \n", "\n", "The Canadiens finished first in the NHA for the first time in 1913 - 14 , in a tie with the Toronto Blueshirts.\n", "\n", "lDon't take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride.\n", "\n", "What do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear? Claude \n", "\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " uck\n", "\n", "\"What a truly inspirational man that Steve Jobs was\" said my mate. \"What is your favourite Apple product?\" he asked. \"Cider, \" I replied.\n", "\n", "Got fired today because I was caught masturbating with a vegetable. Nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.\n", "\n", "The instructions are read by the bot once every 30 minutes , so changes you make here will take some time to be automatically reflected on pages serviced by the bots.\n", "\n", "Palestinian shot dead after stabbing Israeli policemen in Jerusalem \n", "\n", "Thousands of Egyptian doctors protest over alleged police brutality \n", "\n", "MSF seeks independent probe into bombing of Syria hospital: \n", "\n", "When defined this way , there are two possible remainders.\n", "\n", "Follow your dreams, except for the one where your naked at work.\n", "\n", "As The Old Cock Crows, So Does The Young\n", "\n", "Felt that\n", "\n", "The veins are lightly marked with black.\n", "\n", "[at the gym]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: it's not a hobby it's a lifestyle\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Guy watching me massage mayo into my pubes: ok\n", "\n", "This raises a note by three semitones.\n", "\n", "Every once in a while, it's important to show my kids who's boss. (I do this by pointing to my wife.)\n", "\n", "The Nautiloidea , on the other hand , stick to iteroparity ; they produce a few large eggs in each batch and live for a long time.\n", "\n", "Chinese Uighur was tortured into confessing role in Bangkok bomb: lawyer \n", "\n", "I went in to a pet shop and said, \"Can I buy a goldfish?\" The guy said, \"Do you want an aquarium?\" I said, \"I don't care what star sign it is\".\n", "\n", "The tail may be naked or slightly haired.\n", "\n", "One in every two and a half men are HIV positive.\n", "\n", "Canada likely to aid struggling Bombardier\n", "\n", "How do you find a blind man on a nude beach? It is not hard.\n", "\n", "What do gay horses eat? Heyyyyyyyyyyy!\n", "\n", "Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I’m way ahead of you\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: no, like helpful things\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: ah\n", "\n", "If I do not respond to a photo of a lizard within 3 minutes you can assume I am dead.\n", "\n", "They have two children , Grace and Henry.\n", "\n", "Got fired from the market for being too violent. All I did was put out a sign that said, \"take lettuce from top of pile or heads will roll!\"\n", "\n", "Chinese man jailed for 23 years freed after verdict overturned \n", "\n", "raise your hand if you could easily meet this standard at 18\n", "\n", "I bought my wife a desk-lamp for her birthday, her face is really gonna light up when she sees it.\n", "\n", "Hey, I lost my phone. If you find it, call or text me, would ya?\n", "\n", "Major German carmakers recall U.S. vehicles in latest move of long-running safety crisis: \n", "\n", "U.S. okays sale of eight Lockheed F-16 fighter jets to Pakistan: Pentagon \n", "\n", "In May that year , the couple were married , and soon after Johnny Bundy adopted Ted , legally changing his last name to `` Bundy ''.\n", "\n", "'Affluenza' teen sent back to Texas, 'docile' in detention \n", "\n", "He That Has A Great Nose Thinks Everybody Is Speaking Of It\n", "\n", "Foster 's Home for Imaginary Friends was founded by the elderly Madame Foster to provide a foster home for abandoned imaginary friends.\n", "\n", "Cameroon army kills 92 militants in joint operation with Nigeria: Cameroon government \n", "\n", "Why did the banker eat lunch by himself? Because he was a loaner.\n", "\n", "Syrian Kurdish party rejects Turkish demands, warns against intervention \n", "\n", "Why is it important to have plenty of help when changing a light bulb? Many hands make light work.\n", "\n", "British PM Cameron to meet EU's Tusk on Sunday as package takes shape \n", "\n", "Justice Department launches review of San Francisco police \n", "\n", "SECURITY GUARD: We need to talk\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: About my raccoon skateboarding in the mall?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SECURITY GUARD: Yeah\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [picking up my raccoon] Alright, we can leav-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SECURITY GUARD: [tearing up] His kick flips were sick, dude\n", "\n", "The first recorded use of rose as a color name in English was in 1382.\n", "\n", "Fossils from New South Wales and New Zealand are estimated to be 50 million years old , corresponding to the Tertiary.\n", "\n", "Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.\n", "\n", "Using little plastic dinosaurs and some fishline, I made a scene for my wife's car backup camera.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Now we wait.\n", "\n", "Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'\n", "\n", "Ceann means the head , or the end , and Torr means a round hill.\n", "\n", "me: who is the teletubby whose boner had to be blurred out when it popped out of his furry trousers in season 3\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "alex trebek: I haven’t even read the card yet\n", "\n", "Everyone at this reptile convention figured out my ponytail is a clip on and it’s not good.\n", "\n", "His reign was troubled by disasters : a rain of blood which lasted three days , a devastating plague , and a great swarm of flies.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.\n", "\n", "After split from ally, Hungary's Orban strives to muster media muscle \n", "\n", "Many Men, Many Minds\n", "\n", "Why did they kick the leper out of the restaurant? They had to keep changing the finger bowls.\n", "\n", "A few animals have `` dog '' in their common names but are not canids , such as the prairie dog and the dog fish.\n", "\n", "A man stole a case of soap from the corner store. The police said he made a clean getaway.\n", "\n", "just got awested for vehicuwar manswaughter\n", "\n", "I used to be attention seeking, but look at me now!\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the two blind gay guys? You've got to hand it to them.\n", "\n", "What did the finger say to the thumb? I'm in glove with you.\n", "\n", "Linux Mint is based on Ubuntu and the two distributions have much in common.\n", "\n", "As many of you know, I'm by no means a prescriptivist. Language is fluid, inexorably evolving, and those who fight it are as desk fans in a tempest.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "That said.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I cannot fucking stand \"cheers\" as a verb to mean \"clink glasses\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"Cheers me!\" \"We cheersed!\" Etc all boil my blood\n", "\n", "In astrophysics , a white hole is the hypothetical time reversal of a black hole.\n", "\n", "A dating app where two people match and beat the shit out of me.\n", "\n", "What do you call a leper in a hot tub? Stew.\n", "\n", "She speaks both Swedish and Russian.\n", "\n", "My black friend asked me if there's a colored printer in the library. I said \"Shit man, it's 2015 you can use whatever printer you want!\"\n", "\n", "Signing to Reprise caused many punk rock fans to regard Green Day as sellouts.\n", "\n", "See link to make sure you know what an international version is.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between virgin olive oil and regular olive oil? Popeye's penis.\n", "\n", "kids growing up today with email and twitter will never know how hard it was back in the '90s to keep in touch with friends... before going to the grocery store we'd update our wills, tearfully hugging our loved ones and praying that dysentery didn't take us.\n", "\n", "Parties and politics in Iran's parliamentary election explained: \n", "\n", "In early 2009 , a live actor dressed up as a Corn Pops puff became the new mascot of Corn Pops.\n", "\n", "The stamps on the sheet may be perforated in the usual way , or imperforate.\n", "\n", "Two teenage girls dead in shooting at Arizona high school: \n", "\n", "Yo mama is so old she farts dust.\n", "\n", "there’s fine line between good tweets and bad tweets and i criss cross all over that shit every day\n", "\n", "L.A “I can’t believe you would use straws. Don’t you care about the turtles?” *Steps over homeless person.*\n", "\n", "To all you vegetarians, the lifestyle you have chosen is a big missed steak .\n", "\n", "If our senses gave us wrong information about our environment , we would soon be extinct.\n", "\n", "“You will either drown in the sea or die in the desert” – The world of people smuggling\n", "\n", "Woman pulled alive from rubble two days after Taiwan quake \n", "\n", "‘Hunger Games’ Prequel Novel Coming In 2020 https://trib.al/WwR2E6K #WhatDoYouThink?\n", "\n", "me: hi honey I got a hand job today\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: excuse me u what\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: I’m the new hamburger helper mascot\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: ohhh haha how'd u pull that off\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i let the casting director jerk me off\n", "\n", "He arrived back in Altenberg `` with manuscript and bird intact . ''\n", "\n", "The two men break through the plants and enter the cave.\n", "\n", "All That Glitters Is Not Gold\n", "\n", "Afghan women, girls face invasive virginity tests, says rights report \n", "\n", "Behind every fat woman there is a beautiful woman. No seriously move! You're in the way!\n", "\n", "Every new McDonald's creates 40 jobs. 20 dentists and 20 heart surgeons!\n", "\n", "Me: There's no lamb\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Chef: Then grill the chicken\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me *shining light on chicken's face* tell us where the lamb is, you son of a bitch\n", "\n", "Whas that? Oh, it's the stank basket.\n", "\n", "In any event , in going to Italy , Cervantes was doing what many young Spaniards of the time did to further their careers in one way or another.\n", "\n", "A thing no one tells you about growing up is that none of us “feel” like adults and we’re all confused sometimes and scared sometimes and all of us face rejections and setbacks. Don’t despair because you haven’t “made it” yet. Have grace for yourself.\n", "\n", "I always put the shopping carts back at the grocery store. I want the single moms to know I’m one of the good guys just in case I’m ever back on the market.\n", "\n", "Why don't Baptists screw standing up? They're afraid people might think they're dancing.\n", "\n", "A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.\n", "\n", "Jyväskylä harbor is home for many passenger ships operating on lake Päijänne.\n", "\n", "I stubbed my toe in a library once. I had to suffer in silence.\n", "\n", "He was born and died in Bologna.\n", "\n", "WikiLeaks' Assange says to leave Ecuador embassy, accept arrest if loses U.N. case \n", "\n", "However Chinese characters should not be confused with Chinese words ; since most Chinese words are made up of two or more different characters , there are many times more Chinese words than there are characters.\n", "\n", "If the type of ISBN must be specified , the and templates may be used.\n", "\n", "How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?None. They screw in hot tubs.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the animal hotel that has exclusive accommodations for squirrels? It's called The Nutcracker Suite.\n", "\n", "I am making it my job to put the \"fun\" back into \"funeral.\"\n", "\n", "Since James pinned Victoria , however , and not Melina , Jonathan Coachman announced that a rematch would take place immediately.\n", "\n", "me *first time watching a porno*: they must'a took off their wedding rings for this.\n", "\n", "German Jews fear rising antisemitism during Mideast refugee influx \n", "\n", "Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.\n", "\n", "When Three Know It, Alt Know It\n", "\n", "U.S. says raised concerns with Rwanda over its activities in Burundi \n", "\n", "Many have colorful patterns.\n", "\n", "British socialite to face Epstein accuser's defamation lawsuit \n", "\n", "Many of these are volcanic in origin , but the best known volcano is Krakatoa.\n", "\n", "Like most arthropods , spiders lack balance and acceleration sensors and rely on their eyes to tell them which way is up.\n", "\n", "The 2nd century BC started the first day of 200 BC and ended the last day of 101 BC.\n", "\n", "The connotation is a symbol of love and affection , not in the way of a rose , but a symbol of true love.\n", "\n", "you really can’t get excited if you think i’m flirting with you because i unintentionally flirt with EVERYONE. i accidently flirted with my MOM yesterday\n", "\n", "Won the lottery for a million dollars today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. I now have $999,999.75\n", "\n", "Got out of the shower and my wife said \"Look, its like a penis, only smaller\". I said \"Look, its like my secretary, only fatter and less flexible\".\n", "\n", "Every year , tourism grows in Curitiba.\n", "\n", "Soon , they became best friends.\n", "\n", "Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office, I will hunt you down and I will make you pay. You have my word!\n", "\n", "My girlfriend has this weird, sick, demented sexual fetish. Cuddling.\n", "\n", "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member.\n", "\n", "*a man runs into the bar*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"HELP HELP, IS ANYONE HERE COUSINS WITH BON JOVI?\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*\n", "\n", "Sorry I ignored your nudes but I was coming up with 10 really fucking annoying hashtags for my Facebook post.\n", "\n", "In this time falls the beginning of iron ore mining in and around Ibbenbüren , which ended in the first half of the 19th century.\n", "\n", "Over time , neutron stars slow down because their rotating magnetic fields radiate energy ; older neutron stars may take several seconds for each revolution.\n", "\n", "R&B singer Amerie is another famous Afro-Asian American , with her father being black and her mother Korean.\n", "\n", "kid: you said if I got good grades we'd go to Disneyworld\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: yup\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "kid: but this is Delaware\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: oh now look who suddenly understands geography\n", "\n", "\"Wow, nice pair of crocs\"\r\n", "-Said no one, ever.\n", "\n", "I've designed a plane made entirely from rubber, so that when it crashes, it bounces. It's a Boing 747.\n", "\n", "Translated for non-millennials:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Total Fat = original\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Sodium = oh my god\n", "\n", "Kerry says effort and good faith could lead to lifting of sanctions on Russia:\n", "\n", "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.\n", "\n", "Pluto received every vote.\n", "\n", "I love Dry erase boards. They're remarkable.\n", "\n", "\"I Love Maths\" By Adam Up.\n", "\n", "Many schools teach children to make sock puppets and then have the children put on shows or plays for the whole school with them , sometimes with all the sock puppets singing.\n", "\n", "NASA says big asteroid could pass near Earth next month \n", "\n", "Nelly Kelly was sure some fan , She would root just like any man , Told the umpire he was wrong , All along , Good and strong.\n", "\n", "Quake hits eastern Indonesia island, communications down \n", "\n", "Britain justified in many of its EU demands - Merkel \n", "\n", "Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: IT’S 8 AM\n", "\n", "Lazy People Fact #5626728943: You were too lazy to read that number.\n", "\n", "moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: it's not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse\n", "\n", "this is feminism\n", "\n", "Two cats named 123 and Une-Deux-Trois swam across a river. 123 Cat made it but Une-Deux-Trois Cat Sank.\n", "\n", "Samarra's Sunnis fear displacement a decade after Iraq shrine attack \n", "\n", "sometimes when I need inspiration I’ll sit back, turn off the thong song, and turn on the orchestral version of the thong song\n", "\n", "C. Rajagopalachari was the first Chief Minister.\n", "\n", "I’m real, real single.\n", "\n", "He is the first known individual of Armenian ancestry to have come to North America.\n", "\n", "Standing water implies the existence of crouching water and possibly even hidden flagon\n", "\n", "Anxiety: Half of the time you're worried about the other half of the time.\n", "\n", "Good Neighbor: Hey I came as soon as I heard. You ok?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "State Farm (out of breath): SO DID WE WE'RE ALSO HERE WE GOT HERE AT LIKE THE EXACT SAME TIME ITS A TIE\n", "\n", "The past, the present and the future were having an argument. It was tense.\n", "\n", "[wedding]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "girlfriend of many years: i do\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [suspiciously] why\n", "\n", "Alcohol was created so ugly people can have a chance too.\n", "\n", "Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.\n", "\n", "[in the park]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Her: uh huh, I guess...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]\n", "\n", "U.S. boosts study of Zika, birth defect link, as virus seen spreading \n", "\n", "My kid: what were you like when you were a kid?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\n", "\n", "A common year of 365 days has exactly 52 weeks and one day , so consequently the next new year is one day of the week later.\n", "\n", "Why don't monsters eat clowns? Because they taste funny!\n", "\n", "The photographer \r", "\r", "\r\n", "trying to \r", "\r", "\r\n", "explain for the \r", "\r", "\r\n", "37th time how \r", "\r", "\r\n", "humans naturally \r", "\r", "\r\n", "stand so they \r", "\r", "\r\n", "can maybe\r", "\r", "\r\n", "get a normal Trump Jr. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "picture for once\n", "\n", "Instead of a linear driving device , one may use a nonlinear update function.\n", "\n", "What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen.\n", "\n", "Western European Summer Time is a summer daylight saving time scheme , 1 hour ahead of Coordinated Universal Time.\n", "\n", "if you’re having sex and he doesn’t come in 15 minutes legally you’re allowed to leave\n", "\n", "Turkey says has hit only Islamic State targets since ceasefire started \n", "\n", "Pentagon calls for parties to halt militarization of South China Sea \n", "\n", "Thinktank says weak UK tax revenue could thwart Osborne's surplus aim: \n", "\n", "How did the prawn meet his girlfriend? On the net.\n", "\n", "See The viola in popular music below.\n", "\n", "Many species live most of their lives as single cells , while other species form colonies or long filaments.\n", "\n", "Well over one thousand musical compositions have been inspired by Hugo 's works from the 1800s until the present day.\n", "\n", "Rubio needs strong New Hampshire showing to rebut debate critics \n", "\n", "Dollar pressured as US rate hikes views cool, Fed-speak awaited \n", "\n", "My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.\n", "\n", "the fact that high waisted jeans are cool among middle schoolers blows my mind imagine entering high school without having seen every one of your classmates butt cracks WILD\n", "\n", "Asian shares seen consolidating as investor fears ease \n", "\n", "Show her you care by secretly transferring a multivitamin into her mouth during French kissing.\n", "\n", "Other methods included dousing saffron fibers with viscid substances like honey or vegetable oil.\n", "\n", "Tea is for mugs.\n", "\n", "So I said “What about Signs with Mel Gibson?”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "She said “I think I remember that film and-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "The aliens ran through a dewy wet corn field”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "And I said “Well there’s the hole in that plot”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bwaaa dada da da dooo\n", "\n", "What do you call a girl who sets fire to her credit card statements? Bernadette.\n", "\n", "Please see List of people from Ontario.\n", "\n", "Additionally , you may appeal the at.\n", "\n", "A Fool's Tongue Runs Before His Wit\n", "\n", "I'm in a same-sex marriage. The sex is always the same.\n", "\n", "Dog 911: what's your emer-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dog: MY HUMAN LEFT ME AT A STRANGE PLACE WITH OTHER DOGS FOR MANY MEALS\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dog 911: stay calm\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dog: WAIT MY HUMAN'S FINALLY BACK TO SAVE ME BUT IS TAN NOW\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dog 911: OMG\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dog: OMG\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dog 911: OMG\n", "\n", "Dollar struggles as Yellen eyed for direction: \n", "\n", "Just turned on the TV to see Sydney and Tokyo have already started celebrating the New Year. Fucking idiots, it doesn't start until midnight\n", "\n", "WHO says Zika Virus spreads explosively, four million cases forecast: \n", "\n", "I always found the fishmonger at our local market to be pretty unfriendly. In fact I'd describe him as a little standoffish.\n", "\n", "Halloween: the only day you can get away with killing someone and leaving them on the front porch.\n", "\n", "To date , the head remains unburied.\n", "\n", "If you believe you may be notable enough , make your case on the appropriate talk pages , and seek consensus first , both with the notability and any proposed autobiography.\n", "\n", "During the late 1950s , Blake became one of the best known British pop artists.\n", "\n", "there will come a time when Trump will finally say \"yeah, so I raped women, okay? happy now?\" and his followers will simply say \"wow, what a brave man to admit his own faults\"\n", "\n", "me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES\n", "\n", "the trailer for the new Cars movie looks weird\n", "\n", "Me: i want to—\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Therapist: try saying “i will” instead of “i want to”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: ok i WILL apologize for putting crystal light in your fishtank\n", "\n", "Iran extends voting due to 'rush of voters': state TV \n", "\n", "Can Mississippi wear Delaware's New Jersey? I don't know but Alaska\n", "\n", "A politician is one who shakes your hand before election, and shakes your confidence after.\n", "\n", "What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say before he began his chess game? I'll be black.\n", "\n", "we're canceling shark week because we just found out that they're real, and also super mean! sorry everyone wow\n", "\n", "I BEG YOUR PARDON?!\n", "\n", "A huge section of tree just broke off and demolished a bank in town. I've no idea which branch it was though..\n", "\n", "How much room is needed to grow funghi? As Muchroom as possible.\n", "\n", "[therapist's office]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: talking to people is so stressful. i wear headphones to avoid conversations and NEVER answer phone calls\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "therapist: you are the worst receptionist we've ever had\n", "\n", "Economy can grow 8 pct in coming fiscal year - Jayant Sinha \n", "\n", "Pandas cannot fly. They are like penguins in that way. As a matter of fact all black and white animals are flightless (ex. zebras, orcas)\n", "\n", "Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.\n", "\n", "Good Night , and Good Luck.\n", "\n", "U.S., Apple ratchet up rhetoric in fight over encryption \n", "\n", "Syrian opposition to meet U.N. envoy after 'positive response' \n", "\n", "The first written mention of the town of Düsseldorf dates back to 1135.\n", "\n", "The show 's premise was to see whether or not Nikki would perform the tasks given to her and keep her job for a day , or whether she would quit or be sacked due to her infamous tantrums.\n", "\n", "Calories in one pistachio: 4 \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Take that, kale.\n", "\n", "Despite the name , it is not related to black pepper or to chili peppers.\n", "\n", "Fed's Yellen says global risks could pose U.S. growth threat: \n", "\n", "This meant that Raw was live one week and taped the next.\n", "\n", "I hope the world will let him go in peace to build an honorable life and reputation . ''\n", "\n", "Australia says China 'challenged' South China Sea missile report \n", "\n", "Jamaican austerity government seeks second term, opposition vows jobs \n", "\n", "Caretas also alleged that Fujimori 's mother declared having two children when she entered Peru ; Fujimori is the second of four children.\n", "\n", "Many chytrids are aquatic.\n", "\n", "How do you get an 80-year-old woman to yell, \"Fuck\"? You get another 80-year-old woman right next to her to yell, \"Bingo!\"\n", "\n", "Alphabet overtakes Apple in market value - for now \n", "\n", "Nobody has ever..... said this to me\n", "\n", "Drawing birds is a good way to keep the gloom at bay\n", "\n", "psa it’s weird and off-putting to reply intentionally rude things to people you don’t actually know in an attempt to be funny/connect with them\n", "\n", "Poland to join fight versus Islamic State in return for NATO help in east \n", "\n", "Oat extract can also be used to soothe skin conditions , as in skin lotions.\n", "\n", "Wanting to do a meme with the people looking\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " ME\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " Forgetting the picture\n", "\n", "The judge sided with Peters , but many astronomers and newspapers sided with Borst.\n", "\n", "Watch out for lamp manufacturers. There are a lot of shady characters.\n", "\n", "As day breaks , Siegfried and Brünnhilde emerge from their cave . Brünnhilde sends Siegfried off to new adventures , urging him to keep their love in mind.\n", "\n", "Rocky Rapids has one store at the hamlet center . Other home businesses are ran in Rocky Rapids as well.\n", "\n", "Irish PM Kenny warns of Brexit risk to Northern Ireland: \n", "\n", "Among those rescued were 69 children.\n", "\n", "Iran holds talks with Russia over missile defense upgrade: \n", "\n", "me hard at work creating brilliant content for my followers on twitter dot com\n", "\n", "Even Reckoning Makes Long Friends\n", "\n", "John Paul I was the first Pope born in the 20th century.\n", "\n", "Here's a poem about the problems caused when a mathematical concept takes over a poem.\n", "\n", "My boyfriend has just got a job as a light switch engineer. Its really turned me on.\n", "\n", "when I get MARRIED my WIFE will be in THE KITCHEN where she STAYS and I WILL ALSO be there BECAUSE it’s ALSO our BED ROOM. we live in a VERY SMALL studio apartment because we are POOR\n", "\n", "Oil prices rebound on investor optimism over oil producers deal \n", "\n", "Greek PM says differences between lenders delaying bailout review - paper \n", "\n", "In some cases , the two recorders may be combined in a single FDR/CVR unit.\n", "\n", "German spy agency got 100 tip-offs about ISIS fighters among refugees: report \n", "\n", "Neither Rhyme Nor Reason\n", "\n", "To punish mankind for stealing the secrets of fire , Jupiter ordered the other gods to make a poisoned gift for man.\n", "\n", "I never liked my index and middle fingers but I’ve made peace with it\n", "\n", "Britain seeks stronger \"emergency brake\" from EU: source \n", "\n", "Fewer than a quarter of a million people speak English as their first language.\n", "\n", "Take Care Of The Pence And The Pounds Will Take Care Of Themselves\n", "\n", "Most of the time they are so much like the gear counter plus the reverse gear.\n", "\n", "I always call out my wife's name during sex. Just to make sure she's not around.\n", "\n", "The wife thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits. She's got a point, I suppose. I work in a hammer factory\n", "\n", "Czech president says planned EU border force too small \n", "\n", "Some guy just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!\n", "\n", "Teenager says attack on Jewish teacher was for Islamic State: prosecutor \n", "\n", "GOD: people are pissing me off, I'm gonna kill most of them with a flood\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "NOAH: ok\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "GOD: and you know how food that's good for you tastes good and food that's bad for you tastes bad? I'm switching that\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "NOAH: aw c'mon man don't be a dick\n", "\n", "Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.\n", "\n", "so are you ..you know *mimes cuffing jeans* bisexual?\n", "\n", "[setting tinder radius] what's the circumference of the earth\n", "\n", "I want to grow a mustache so I can twirl it while making plans to take over the world\n", "\n", "The first vest used by the team had vertical white and light blue stripes.\n", "\n", "me: i got us tickets to the rolling stones\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: omg you didn't?!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: you're gonna love it\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[later]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: *running from a boulder* I'M DIVORCING YOU\n", "\n", "rollerblader: [goes off a ramp and does a triple backflip, then a 1080, then 3 more backflips, then skates off with my crush]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: lmao are you on rollerblades\n", "\n", "Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? They don't know the route.\n", "\n", "I’m losing my gotdam mind it’s like a little shoulder devil fell down and can’t get up omfg someone life alert the imp\n", "\n", "My attention span was made for 140 twitter.\n", "\n", "boss: what're you doing\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [closes laptop] nothing suspicious!\n", "\n", "In a fight, I can beat anybody with one hand.. The guys with two hands are always more difficult though.\n", "\n", "European Parliament calls for release of HK booksellers detained in China \n", "\n", "This was followed by her second album , Feels like Home , released in 2004.\n", "\n", "Simba was walking too slow, so I told him to Mufasa!\n", "\n", "[shark tank]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ridiculously wide sunglasses\r", "\r", "\r\n", "shark 1: i'm out\r", "\r", "\r\n", "shark 2: i'm out\r", "\r", "\r\n", "hammerhead shark: i'm listening\n", "\n", "Pentagon says two Navy boats in Iranian custody \n", "\n", "Another common use is to let people know about your activities on Wikipedia , and your opinions about Wikipedia.\n", "\n", "Boeing says to cut commercial airplane jobs to reduce costs \n", "\n", "Italy drops objections to EU migration fund to Turkey \n", "\n", "I'm not affected by the price of gas, I just get $20 worth every time.\n", "\n", "[extremely loudly] dome hepot\n", "\n", "Whenever a guy named Stephen tries to tell me what to do I shout, \"you're not my real hen!\" and run away\n", "\n", "UltraTech to buy Jaiprakash cement plants for $2.4 billion \n", "\n", "Why did the cyclops quit teaching? He had only one pupil.\n", "\n", "It also means to have one 's guard down , open to censure or criticism.\n", "\n", " Meet Israel's batgirl. \n", "\n", "Me: *Holds up drawing* is this the guy?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Witness: that looks nothing like him\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN\n", "\n", " Five people killed in Canada school shooting, two more in critical condition: PM Trudeau\n", "\n", "Agnes was also the only Category 1 hurricane to be retired at the time , and one of 5 today.\n", "\n", "Her: so you’re rich?!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: yeah ᶦⁿ ˢᵖᶦʳᶦᵗ\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Her: what?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I’m loaded ʷᶦᵗʰ ᵈᵉᵇᵗ\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Her: huh?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I owe ˢᵒ ᵐᵘᶜʰ ᵐᵒⁿᵉʸ ah dammit i said the quiet part loud\n", "\n", "Syria aid trucks enter four of five besieged areas \n", "\n", "U.S. and EU firms warn of 'enormous' consequences if data pact talks fail \n", "\n", "Crazy how I’m an adult despite my attitude and behavior and inability to book a doctor’s appointment\n", "\n", "As they jump from tree to tree , tarsiers can catch even birds in motion.\n", "\n", "Today I went to toilet without my phone. There's 178 tiles in the bathroom.\n", "\n", "The other half of the Earth is the water hemisphere.\n", "\n", "Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.\n", "\n", "Jukeboxes do not contain one single juke\n", "\n", "Me: I bought a luggage set!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: Which brand?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I don't know, looks Russian. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: How many pieces?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me [unpacking one after the other]: Also unknown.\n", "\n", " Hillary Clinton congratulates Bernie Sanders on stage after losing New Hampshire primary. \n", "\n", "UK consumers least confident in over a year on economic uncertainties \n", "\n", "Me: I’m taking the dog for a you-know-what. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Husband: a w-a-l-k?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My dog:\n", "\n", "China expects to lay off 1.8 million workers in coal, steel sectors \n", "\n", "Opeth returned home after touring in support of Blackwater Park , and began writing for the next album . At first , Å", "kerfeldt had trouble putting together new material : `` I wanted to write something heavier than we 'd ever done , still I had all these great mellow parts and arrangements which I didn't want to go to waste . ''\n", "\n", "A doctor told the boy, \"This injection won't hurt a bit.\" That's an MD promise.\n", "\n", "In 1993 the three districts were merged.\n", "\n", "Saudi Arabia says war games will boost military ties with Muslim allies: \n", "\n", "P. sativum is an annual plant , with a life cycle of one year.\n", "\n", "Fed keeps rates unchanged, wary eye on global markets \n", "\n", " Gunmen open fire at entrance to hotel used by foreign tourists in Egyptian city of Hurghada: security sources\n", "\n", "Chinese flood Taiwan president-elect's Facebook, demanding return to China \n", "\n", "UPDATE: FIFA : Infantino 88, Sheikh Salman 85, Prince Ali 27, Champagne 7 in first round of presidential votes. \n", "\n", "Are you from Ireland? Cause when I look at you my penis is Dublin.\n", "\n", "How can it be both Midsummer's Day and the first day of Summer at the same time?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "And other things to keep me awake at night.\n", "\n", "Why can't you fool an aborted baby? Because it wasn't born yesterday.\n", "\n", "An Ounce Of Discretion Is Worth A Pound Of Learning\n", "\n", " U.S. judge rules Martin Shkreli can travel to Washington D.C. to testify to congressional panel on drug pricing\n", "\n", "China seeks investment for disputed islands, to launch flights \n", "\n", "This series would also mark the end of a long period of invulnerability for the Yankees in the World Series.\n", "\n", "Medellín is today a modern city with a population of three million.\n", "\n", "Suicide bomber kills at least 15 outside Pakistan polio centre: \n", "\n", "I love my wife, she always gives me 100% sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.\n", "\n", "UK forces through reforms for doctors despite union opposition \n", "\n", "TNS poll shows 36 percent of British voters would leave the EU versus 34 percent who would remain \n", "\n", "“OK men, spread out.”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“Oat?”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“What?”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“Spread oats?”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“Spread out.”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“One oat?”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“Dammit.”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.\n", "\n", "This page was last modified $ 1.\n", "\n", "Tennis racket? Match-fixing allegations hit the game as the Australian Open begins: \n", "\n", "HER: i’m just gonna hop in the shower real quick \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME [concerned]: that sounds fairly dangerous, diane\n", "\n", "Aguilera later said she was `` completely unaware of '' and `` didn't know if it a man or a woman . ''\n", "\n", "After the Holocaust we said \"never again\".\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "America literally has concentration camps (not extermination camps) on its border. People have died there\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "To refuse to learn the lessons from the Holocaust does its victims a greater disservice than any amount of pedantic bickering.\n", "\n", "I love the thread about baby boomers and their dull knives. It’s so specific and niche.\n", "\n", "when two bananas from the same bunch are fuckin- this is know as an alabamana\n", "\n", "His three older sons are distinguished from one another by the nicknames `` Monk '' , `` Big Wheel '' , `` Red '' and `` Little George . ''\n", "\n", "FBI releases grainy aerial video of deadly roadside encounter with Oregon occupiers. \n", "\n", "This species sometimes consumes tree sap.\n", "\n", "The company initially performed at the Old Vic , their first production being Hamlet , directed by Olivier and starring Peter O'Toole.\n", "\n", "girls who still do their skincare routines while in depressive episodes are braver than the troops\n", "\n", "Russia's Novosibirsk power plant says staff evacuated after bomb call \n", "\n", "hitman [popping out of my closet]: dear god man. lasagna in bed\n", "\n", "Obama ignites political firestorm by bypassing Congress with new gun measures: \n", "\n", "If one crosses the date line at precisely midnight , going westward , one skips an entire day ; while going eastward , one repeats the entire day.\n", "\n", "In 1423 went to live in Lille.\n", "\n", "The Northern Red Oak is the provincial tree of Prince Edward Island , as well as the state tree of New Jersey . The Live Oak is the State Tree of Georgia.\n", "\n", "Indian top court refuses to intervene in student leader's arrest: \n", "\n", "I love being an adult because I get to say shit like “sorry it’s been a weird week” every week for the rest of my life\n", "\n", "Austria to cap migrant arrivals at 3,200 a day \n", "\n", "If G-sharp minor must absolutely be used , one should take care that B-flat wind instruments be notated in B-flat minor , rather than A-sharp minor.\n", "\n", "Power restored to Afghan capital Kabul after weeks of blackout \n", "\n", "Which month has 28 days in it? All of them.\n", "\n", "Obama among those to pay respects to Scalia at U.S. Supreme Court \n", "\n", "Today , the Taj Mahal stands as the ultimate monument to love , and a homage to her beauty and life.\n", "\n", "My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.He's the Spokesman.\n", "\n", "My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.\n", "\n", "[playing Clue]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "it was cholesterol\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "in the kitchen\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "with a bacon double cheeseburger\n", "\n", "there are piles of dirty clothes all over my apartment bc the ground is hot lava and i need to jump between them to go about my daily activities it’s strictly about survival\n", "\n", "A Friend To All Is A Friend To None\n", "\n", "[wife rubbing her belly] come feel the baby kick\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[not even six hours after I failed my green belt] you for real?\n", "\n", "Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.\n", "\n", "Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?\n", "\n", "Saudi-Iranian proxy war over Syria spreads to Davos \n", "\n", "Israel charges Palestinians it says were recruited by Hezbollah \n", "\n", "Syrian opposition meets U.N. envoy, demands action on humanitarian issues \n", "\n", "Merkel says EU-Turkey plan is our priority on migration: \n", "\n", "I just got back from my mates funeral, He was killed by a tennis ball. It was a cracking service.\n", "\n", "Me: my therapist suggested i get a puppy to get me feeling motivated and refocused\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: okay but\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: i need A LOT of motivation\n", "\n", "UK decision on airport expansion on track for summer - minister \n", "\n", "Technically he was Edward Scissor fingers but I’m not trying to cause a ruckus\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer? It has two bytes and no memory\n", "\n", "The two make love.\n", "\n", "Saudis, Russia agree oil output freeze, talks with Iran to follow: \n", "\n", "My wife just said I was ignorant..Nonsense! Why? I don't even know the meaning of the word!\n", "\n", "and she's calling a cab while he's having a smoke and she's taking a drag, now they're going to bed\n", "\n", "Argentina's Peronist opposition party splits; boost for Macri \n", "\n", "He Is Lifeless That Is Faultless\n", "\n", "[at a bakery]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i would like to be disappointed please.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "baker: one scone, coming right up!\n", "\n", "A home-made Father's Day gift from your kids seems nice until you remember kids in other countries make Air Jordans and iPhones.\n", "\n", "Scandal prompts Adidas to cut short IAAF sponsor deal: BBC \n", "\n", "When using a voltmeter to measure voltage difference , one electrical lead of the voltmeter must be connected to the first point , one to the second point.\n", "\n", "He had his first lead role in Encino Man.\n", "\n", "Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.\n", "\n", "China shares slip as oil slides, outweighing stimulus hopes \n", "\n", "Her first teacher was Alison Dalrymple.\n", "\n", "You 're My Heart , You 're My Soul '98 is Modern Talking 's first single released from the seventh album Back For Good , and it 's the first single after their reunion in 1998.\n", "\n", "More than 60 people killed in suicide bombs in Nigeria: officials \n", "\n", "casting director: whenever you're ready\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: the name's bond... james bond\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: no\n", "\n", "Kazakh police detain businessman with close ties to Russia \n", "\n", "Sometimes the term first language is used for the language that the speaker speaks best.\n", "\n", "aladdin: *pulls up google earth*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "jasmine: this is not what I had in mind\n", "\n", "Circumstances Alter Cases\n", "\n", "[exiting movie theatre]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: wow that movie was pretty good!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "BUZZ ALDRIN: hah yeah \r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *sigh* what’s wrong\r", "\r", "\r\n", "BUZZ ALDRIN: no it was good!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "BUZZ:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "BUZZ:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: was it not—\r", "\r", "\r\n", "BUZZ: not as good as the moon, yeah\n", "\n", "Syria's main opposition group is yet to agree to a plan to stop the fighting: \n", "\n", "Adams has been nominated three times but has never won.\n", "\n", "Here’s to being single – drinking doubles – and seeing triple!\n", "\n", "Assad backs Syria truce, accuses opposition of violations \n", "\n", "A Fly In The Ointment\n", "\n", "Super Bowl: 30 second clips of men running in between commercials\n", "\n", "Many Baba lovers work or live in the vicinity.\n", "\n", "Me: *Holds up drawing* is this the guy?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Witness: that looks nothing like him\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN\n", "\n", "Suarez scores four as Barca rout Valencia 7-0 \n", "\n", "Soon after he left Nintendo , Yokoi began the company Koto Laboratory in Kyoto.\n", "\n", "The salmonella/romaine outbreak of 2018 was so scary that I haven’t eaten lettuce since 2006\n", "\n", "What did the prostitute say when she got out of the psychiatrist's shower? Well, that's another load off of my chest.\n", "\n", "Just dipped celery in guacamole and the definite worst part of this diet is dipping vegetables in other vegetables.\n", "\n", "It wasn't until 1973 that the company was officially established under the name `` Sanrio . ''\n", "\n", "Syrian rebel commander says northern Aleppo countryside 'totally encircled': \n", "\n", "South Sudan rivals talk peace while killing civilians: U.N. \n", "\n", "The sabre target covers everything above the waist , except the hands and the back of the head.\n", "\n", "Kicking ass and takin’ names like a bastard.\n", "\n", "All Covet, All Lose\n", "\n", "'Turning gold into lead': Hollande squanders post-attack bounce \n", "\n", "Oh and another thing, they’re sticky \n", "\n", "Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.\n", "\n", "Time Is The Great Healer\n", "\n", "Sink Or Swim! \n", "\n", "BATMAN: I got you flowers\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CATWOMAN: Put them in this vase\r", "\r", "\r\n", "BATMAN: Ok\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CATWOMAN: *pushes vase off counter while maintaining eye contact*\n", "\n", "I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night.\r\n", "\r\n", "Especially since I walked there.\n", "\n", "In Mauritania alone , it is estimated that up to 600,000 men , women and children , or 20 % of the population , are enslaved with many used as bonded labor.\n", "\n", "christian kids be like wow high school was a wild ride time to relax with some marriage\n", "\n", "went? sowwy i can’t pay went. i’m just a wittle baby\n", "\n", "This is a partial list of the last five seasons completed by the Hornets . For the full season-by-season history , see List of New Orleans Hornets seasons.\n", "\n", "Its underwings are yellowish with black speckles.\n", "\n", "This simple tabulation has two drawbacks.\n", "\n", "Sadly , many qinpu compiled before the Ming dynasty are now lost , and many pieces have remained unplayed for hundreds of years.\n", "\n", "According to Twitter's algorithm the fact that I follow @steak_umm translates into an interest in @AncientAliens ? \n", "\n", "doctor: you consume a dangerous amount of carbohydrates\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[later]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: what did the doctor say?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: that i am dangerously hydrated\n", "\n", "If you bite a popsicle, the end of it is what your arm looks like if it was cut off.\n", "\n", "Idk, just seems like Obama had fewer concentration camps for children\n", "\n", "What do you call a dictionary on drugs? High definition.\n", "\n", "FROOTCAKE FRIDAY\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "featuring:\r", "\r", "\r\n", " @sophielou\r", "\r", "\r\n", " @glamoureptile\r", "\r", "\r\n", " @PondBubbles\r", "\r", "\r\n", " @alovablenerd\r", "\r", "\r\n", " @mamapjs1\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Tickle my froots and they might tickle back:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "https://twitter.com/i/moments/1083421006687924225 …\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "then send us your best (1) of the week & a very good one from a friend\n", "\n", "Bushranging numbers flourished in New South Wales with the rise of the colonial-born sons of poor , often ex-convict squatters who were drawn to a more glamorous life than mining or farming.\n", "\n", "They have two spots of concentrated sensor cells on their retina , one to look more forward , and one to look more backwards.\n", "\n", "only 600 slim jims were made in 1992 and they just sit in gas stations\n", "\n", "A dangling appendage that extends from the head of the fish attracts small animals to within striking distance of the fish.\n", "\n", "To err is human, to forgive is divine. \r\n", "In other words, the forgiving is somebody else's job.\n", "\n", "Pipeline fight sends woes downstream\n", "\n", "Why don't baseball players get much action? Because they have foul balls.\n", "\n", "A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to hospital. His Mother phoned to ask how he was and the nurse said, 'There's no change yet'\n", "\n", "Sigarettes are the main reason for statistics.\n", "\n", "Obama, Southeast Asia leaders eye China and trade at California summit \n", "\n", "*First day undercover as a teen at the local college*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: How about them woke baes?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Them: What?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Big mood bruh it's lit so savage salty.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Them: Are you having a stroke mister?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*In a panic I start to twerk*\n", "\n", "The sisters enter and are alarmed by the presence of strange men in their home.\n", "\n", "I could never work in the Job centre. Imagine if you got fired! You'd still have to show up the next day.\n", "\n", "John Edwards among lawyers vying for lead role in Volkswagen suit: \n", "\n", "Like Searcy County , the city takes its name from Richard Searcy , a judge for the Superior Court of the Arkansas Territory.\n", "\n", "China's growth hits quarter-century low, raising hopes of more stimulus \n", "\n", "Why do they offer senior discounts? They've had twice as long as anyone else to get the money!\n", "\n", "She has played extensively in men 's tournaments around the world and her best form was seen in the 1980s and early 1990s.\n", "\n", "From there , they must find a way to survive , as well as a method of escape.\n", "\n", "A pair of mandibles lie inside the mouth.\n", "\n", "What musical group is Jesus most afraid of? Nine Inch Nails\n", "\n", "Chinese airlines join forces to write a blacklist of rude passengers. \n", "\n", "A look at the week around the world, in \n", "\n", "What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff. What's blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath.\n", "\n", "Use to define the team name and colors , to add the name and number of every player and to add the last player in the squad and close the template.\n", "\n", "The Company was formed in 1865 and continued to produce locomotives and carry out general engineering work until 1965.\n", "\n", "It is commonly used to make clothing , bed sheets , and sleepwear.\n", "\n", "U.S. urges African leaders to sway Burundi on peacekeepers \n", "\n", "Insight - Doctors puzzle over severity of defects in some Brazilian babies \n", "\n", " FIFA's Blatter is still being paid his salary despite ban from world soccer \n", "\n", "The latter association placed her among the first black women to work with a white orchestra , an arrangement that went against the tenor of the times.\n", "\n", "I went to a record shop and I asked 'What have you got by The Doors?' He said: 'A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!'\n", "\n", "“Girls are so emotional it’s annoying,” says adult man who has refused to feel or cry since 1997 and must instead daily ejaculate a substance so potent with rage and unhealthy coping mechanisms it gives every woman within 30 feet an instant yeast infection.\n", "\n", "THIS dumb BITCH MADE IT\n", "\n", "China stocks face moment of truth after unprecedented trading halt \n", "\n", "For someone as terrified of a robot uprising as I am, I sure have a lot of vibrators.\n", "\n", "Germans talk tough, fete Facebook's Zuckerberg \n", "\n", "What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? The cold shoulder.\n", "\n", "Arrest of Brazil's 'maker of presidents' could unmake Rousseff \n", "\n", "As You Brew, So Must You Drink\n", "\n", "Him: Dogs are always happy when their owners get home from work! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My dog: Bitch, you were gone all day! Treats or gtfo\n", "\n", "A major hurricane , the Great Gale of 1848 , hit near present-day Sarasota , Florida on September 25 , creating a new waterway now called New Pass , named by William Whitaker as the first person to see this new waterway.\n", "\n", "Sean Penn shares 'regret' about El Chapo article in CBS interview \n", "\n", "What does the Chicago Cubs' name stand for? Completely Useless By September.\n", "\n", "when someone dresses up to match your book // @Loyaltybooks\n", "\n", "Me: I don’t think I should have to listen to this guy talk with no pants on\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Boss: WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS\n", "\n", "China military reports landing drills days after Taiwan election \n", "\n", "Blind and naked at birth , they open their eyes after about eighteen days , and are nursed until they are one month old.\n", "\n", "He knew then he wanted to make music his career and way of life.\n", "\n", "What do you call a sick eagle? Illegal.\n", "\n", "Poverty Is Not A Shame, But The Being Ashamed Of It Is\n", "\n", "As he sleeps his camp-fire goes out.\n", "\n", "Britain's justice minister says EU deal could be reversed \n", "\n", "[group tour of the zoo]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ZOOKEEPER: right over there you’ll see the last three remaining ocelots on this continent \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *under my breath* oce-few\n", "\n", "What does a Mexican put under his carpet? Underlay, underlay.\n", "\n", "U.S. Republican Trump releases healthcare proposals \n", "\n", "Me: ugh I hate summer when bees are flying everywhere\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bee *angrily undoing seatbelt on plane* imma sting him\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bee wife: just leave it, David\n", "\n", "Knock, knock. Who's there? Ivor. Ivor who? Ivor sore hand from knocking!\n", "\n", " Investigators believe bomb likely caused explosion on Somalia plane: U.S. government sources. \n", "\n", "Conversion is the transformation , or change , of one thing into another.\n", "\n", "By the early eighteenth century brick making had been extended and four shops and one or two alehouses established on the common.\n", "\n", "Convection was also slow to build in , with little banding at first.\n", "\n", "Roll My Log And I Will Roll Yours\n", "\n", "What do vegetarian zombies eat? Graaaaaains.\n", "\n", "What did the topless dancer say when chastised about her profession? \"It's better than being flat busted!\"\n", "\n", "For events where the precise time , day or month is not known , the user may omit these details.\n", "\n", "Who's the coolest person in a hospital? The ultra sound guy.\n", "\n", "[gets pulled over]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: were you texting and driving?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *nervously* yes\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: then why didn't you reply to my text?\n", "\n", "Such events may be better placed on a.\n", "\n", "The first Sweet Children show took place on October 17 , 1987 , at Rod 's Hickory Pit in Vallejo , California where Armstrong 's mother was working.\n", "\n", "Because demands placed on one liver enzyme can induce activity in another , many molecules become toxic only in combination with others.\n", "\n", "This opened his eyes to the scale of official misconduct , and may have inspired much of his later writings.\n", "\n", "What famous pig signed the Declaration of Independence? John Hamcock!\n", "\n", "This is the race to get money out of China. \n", "\n", "ONN: Handmade Anti-Obama Sign Currently Frontrunner for Republican Presidential Nomination. \"NoBama!\"\n", "\n", "Many chords can be played with exactly the same notes in more than one place on the fretboard.\n", "\n", "That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.\n", "\n", "UK retail sales growth picks up unexpectedly in January - BRC \n", "\n", "Y'all wanna go steal from some rich people?\n", "\n", "A Life for the Tsar was the first of Glinka 's two great operas.\n", "\n", "My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a life ban from the zoo.\n", "\n", "Experts still doubt North Korea's atomic weapons capability as advanced as Pyongyang claims: \n", "\n", "Even in countries with a majority of White people , such as USA , England , and France , Black people tend to have shorter life expectancies than their White counterparts.\n", "\n", "Alternatively , if you have no Internet access at home , you may using your school-issued email address , telling us your preferred username.\n", "\n", "Why didn't the feminist get a job at the post office? Because she refused to work in a mail dominated industry.\n", "\n", "Playing DND w/ Sean Astin\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Rolling for damage. Dammit! I dropped a dice on the floor.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "S: You mean a di-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "M: Whoa! Goonies NEVER say die.\n", "\n", "Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly? Cos if it was small, white and smooth it would be an aspirin.\n", "\n", "how has this show not been canceled yet\n", "\n", "me knowing darn well that statistically relationships with men lower women’s life expectancies but still falling for them anyways\n", "\n", "Anderson moved back to Chicago , working again for a publishing and advertising company.\n", "\n", "I'll never salute you, you son of a bitch\n", "\n", "I Slept like a baby last night. I shit myself and woke up screaming.\n", "\n", "How do you blind an Asian woman? Put a windshield in front of her.\n", "\n", "Most such accounts are soft-blocked , meaning a new account may be created while the old one is blocked.\n", "\n", "Roses are red, violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?\n", "\n", "New York rebounds, Washington shuts down following blizzard: \n", "\n", "Bank of England's Cunliffe says ready to use policy tools if needed \n", "\n", "I like to follow all these young whippersnappers to keep my lingo fresh.\n", "\n", "Tomorrow, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy is.\n", "\n", "SCREAMING. o daddy\n", "\n", "In the last six years , Slovakia has won three medals at the World Championships , including a gold medal in 2002.\n", "\n", "Daughter: dada why are cats so crazy?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I don’t know honey.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Daughter: I think it’s cause they drink too much catffeine.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: do you mean caffeine?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Daughter: [shakes head] no dada the catffeine in their catpuccino.\n", "\n", "Jordanian security clash with suspected Islamist militants in Irbid \n", "\n", "China says Taiwan president-elect must respect constitution \n", "\n", "A Light Purse Is A Heavy Curse\n", "\n", "Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.\n", "\n", "Japan's savers won't play ball as BOJ turns negative \n", "\n", "Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.\n", "\n", "They have been warned many times.\n", "\n", "Political uncertainty looms as Ireland votes: \n", "\n", "It is one of the many layers of bark , between the cork and primary phloem.\n", "\n", "The final three men in the match were The Rock and Jericho vs. Austin.\n", "\n", "Asia stocks fall on China yuan, economy worries \n", "\n", "I could of been a snooker player, but no one gave me a break.\n", "\n", "Wife to husband: \"let's go out and have some fun tonight\". Husband: \"OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on\"\n", "\n", "Myanmar parliament to change presidential elections date: document \n", "\n", "You can pick your friends and pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose\n", "\n", "Iranian to strengthen missile program: commander-in-chief \n", "\n", "I had to quit my job at the orange juice factory. I just couldn't concentrate.\n", "\n", "how do i simultaneously have zero friends and get invited to 727492 weddings every summer\n", "\n", "If you get a tattoo of your top tweet, well, the joke's on you.\n", "\n", "North Korea may get plutonium from restarted reactor in weeks: U.S. \n", "\n", "More central bank rate cuts are coming before any hike: \n", "\n", "In crucial vote, Hillary Clinton fails to rally women to her history-making bid \n", "\n", "Executed Pakistani praised as hero of Islam for supporting blasphemy law \n", "\n", "Through his writings he helped to make the world aware of the Gulag , the Soviet Union 's forced labor camp system - particularly The Gulag Archipelago and One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich , two of his two best-known works.\n", "\n", "Fighting at U.N. compound in South Sudan kills five: U.N. mission \n", "\n", "Israel says its forces shot dead three Palestinian assailants \n", "\n", "Major powers agree to plan for 'cessation of hostilities' in Syria: \n", "\n", "A Penny Saved Is A Penny Gained\n", "\n", "If you have a bee in your hand what do you have in your eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.\n", "\n", "Me: that test was long, how did I do \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Tester: 69/420 \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: nice \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Tester: quite the opposite\n", "\n", "Milk somehow promotes WikiLove and hopefully this has made your day better.\n", "\n", "At me bro you come. - Yoda\n", "\n", "Lake Michigan is one of the five Great Lakes of North America , and the only one located entirely within the United States.\n", "\n", "Dentist: stop biting\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I'm flirting\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dentist: look I'm just here to do my job and-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *inhaling even more anaesthetic* put your tool in my mouth\n", "\n", "What did Mr.T say when he saw a fat lady at the bar? I pity the stool!\n", "\n", "I'm struggling to write a porn movie. There's just too many holes in the plot.\n", "\n", "I'm bleedin out scoob\n", "\n", "The name Oklahoma comes from the Choctaw phrase okla homma , literally meaning red people.\n", "\n", "Turkey's Erdogan says does not respect court ruling on journalists \n", "\n", "Naming one of my children Bass so if I drop them no one will get mad at me.\n", "\n", "First Ebola, now Zika: Withering criticism for the WHO. \n", "\n", "UK inflation edges up to one-year high in January as fuel price fall slows: \n", "\n", "How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?\n", "\n", "What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park in it man.\n", "\n", "Half of the wireless communications were lost in the Sichuan province.\n", "\n", "\"Hey nerd, who brings a friggin book to a bar?\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*my eyes narrow as I close my worn copy of Advanced Techniques for Winning Barroom Brawls*\n", "\n", "If you have sex on a boat. Is that considered off-shore drilling?\n", "\n", "Did you just throw sodium chloride at me?! That's assault!\n", "\n", "I just met the girl of my dreams. I forgot about her just a few minutes after I saw her.\n", "\n", "[department store]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "elevator guy: third floor, menswear\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: we swear on other fuckin floors too buddy\n", "\n", "Knock, Knock. Who's there? Panther. Panther who? Panther what you wear under your troutherth.\n", "\n", "Explosion near parliament in Afghan capital Kabul: witnesses \n", "\n", "- How can you tell a Polish woman is on her period? She's only wearing 1 sock\n", "\n", "I got kicked out of my local record store after enquiring about a Coldplay song. I only went looking for Trouble.\n", "\n", "Three killed in suspected Islamist attack in northern Kenya \n", "\n", "Ivorian ex-president's supporters protest as Gbagbo trial opens \n", "\n", "Since the storm also extinguished their fire and they were unable to create another one on account of everything being wet , they merely enjoyed what they had and ate the fish raw.\n", "\n", "Vietnam protests at 'serious violation' of sovereignty by China \n", "\n", "He come to stuff the goddamn bat right up your ass . ''\n", "\n", "me when my friend reaches for another slice of cake: look at you!! you are living your best life!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me to myself when I reach for another slice of cake: honestly? you disgust me.\n", "\n", "cop: you know why i pulled you over?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: you're worried about what birds are up to\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: you were spee— wait what about birds\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: like what's their endgame\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: i don't know man\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: nobody knows. that's why we need to look out\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: *unholstering gun* shit you're right\n", "\n", "U.S. asks NATO for surveillance planes to fight Islamic State: Stoltenberg \n", "\n", "For the first time , Bahrain hosted the first Grand Prix.\n", "\n", "What do you call a man with ham on his head? Hammed. What do you call a man with more ham on his head? Mohammed\n", "\n", "Denver lead Carolina 10-0 after first quarter of Super Bowl \n", "\n", "The North Island is one of the two main islands of New Zealand , separated from the South Island by Cook Strait.\n", "\n", "[getting my palms read]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "psychic: ooh I love a good satire\n", "\n", "He had first bought a plastic horn in Los Angeles in 1954 because he was unable to afford a metal saxophone , though he didn't like the sound of the plastic instrument at first.\n", "\n", "A married name is the family name adopted by a person upon marriage , and in speaking of the many cultures where the practice is traditional for women , the maiden name is the family name that the married name replaces.\n", "\n", "My mate just asked me if he could put a teabag in my mouth and fill me with boiling water. He must think I'm some kind of mug.\n", "\n", "U.S. turns to Broadway to promote gay rights at United Nations \n", "\n", "I just bought some of that coconut shampoo. I don't know why, I've not got a coconut.\n", "\n", "How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.\n", "\n", "Runway at London's Gatwick Airport closed due to spillage \n", "\n", "Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.\n", "\n", "I came across a hooker who'd do anything for $50\r\n", "Guess who got the porch repainted?\n", "\n", "ECB in talks with Italy over buying bundles of bad loans - Treasury \n", "\n", "Residents in Francois agreed to rebuild the wrecked home while the family temporarily resided in a summer home of another family.\n", "\n", "It was first documented in 1305.\n", "\n", "But normal users still can't edit those notices , except the ones in userspace.\n", "\n", "in england cars have horns but instead of a loud honk they say “excuse me” at a normal volume\n", "\n", "God: you’re a dragonfly.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dragonfly: does that mean I can spit fire?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: give it a try lol.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dragonfly: i’m a dragonfly and i’m here to say; dragonfly’s are cool and nice hurray!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dragonfly: [whisper] I can spit fire : )\n", "\n", "Cucked by the mucinex goblin\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the rabbi who had to circumcise elephants? The pay was terrible but the tips were huge!\n", "\n", "At rest , the proboscis lies within a long tube that may take up a considerable portion of the worm 's length , lying just above the gut.\n", "\n", "CEOs: welcome to shark tank what is your idea \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: can you make boiled eggs in a coffee pot \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CEOs: that’s a question not an idea \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: my idea is we should figure it out together \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CEOs: now that’s an idea\n", "\n", "wife: Are you ready to go?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me [showing the dog how to use the remote] Almost\n", "\n", "bacteria: i'm here!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "noah: only pairs can get on the ark\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "bacteria: i brought LOTS of friends :)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*everyone dies of tuberculosis*\n", "\n", " Canada has four recent cases of Zika, all from travelers: Public health agency\n", "\n", "TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?\r\n", "\r\n", "SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.\n", "\n", " Philadelphia shooter 'does not appear' to be observant Muslim despite citing Islamic State in police attack: Advocacy group\n", "\n", "Please take a look at the welcome page to learn more about contributing to this encyclopedia.\n", "\n", "It was released on May 6 , 2008 in the US and Canada.\n", "\n", "Connecticut prosecutors ask court to order Kennedy kin back to jail \n", "\n", "Yoga instructor: you should do meditation \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I’m already on a lot of meditation \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Yoga instructor: no like-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: antidepressants, allergy meds, vitamins, lactose intolerance meds, iron supplements, more antidepressants\n", "\n", "[Dracula giving his son \"the talk\"]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dracula's son: they do the mash\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash\n", "\n", "My friend tells me I am too lazy to think for myself. What's he mean?\n", "\n", "Penshurst Place in Kent , England has a little altered 14th century example.\n", "\n", "Iran proposes nuclear power cooperation with Hungary \n", "\n", "My girlfriend thinks I have a gambling addiction. She hasn't said anything, but I bet that's what she's thinking.\n", "\n", "Why are Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home?\n", "\n", "the \"shots\" guy at the party\n", "\n", "Like many other cities in Transylvania , Braşov is also home for a significant ethnic Hungarian minority.\n", "\n", "I'm not happy with the results of my cheap circumcision. It was a total rip-off!\n", "\n", "Gianni Infantino replaces Sepp Blatter as FIFA president. Here's the action on Twitter: \n", "\n", "Wrapping presents is easy you get your paper scissors/tape. Then you get a pitiful, helpless look on your faceand someone will do it for you\n", "\n", "Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night. He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.\n", "\n", "#JeSuisCharlie: One year later. \n", "\n", "What do you call a row of rabbits that takes a step backwards? A receding hare-line.\n", "\n", "What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.\n", "\n", "After many hours , Janu created fire and danced joyously.\n", "\n", "My mother never saw the irony of calling me a son of a b\n", "\n", "My doctor told me that I needed to watch my drinking. So now I drink in front of a mirror.\n", "\n", "You Can Take A Horse To The Water But You Cannot Make Him Drink\n", "\n", "China's Huawei backs Apple in fight over encryption \n", "\n", "No News (Is) Good News\n", "\n", "if the sims is only fun with cheat codes what does that say about capitalism\n", "\n", "If Ifs And Ans Were Pots And Pans..\n", "\n", "I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.\n", "\n", "The Vatican counters Trump on Pope Francis' border visit: \n", "\n", "Saudi Arabia puts Shi'ites on trial for spying for Iran \n", "\n", "China central bank intervening to support yuan via state-owned banks: traders \n", "\n", "Fatal German train crash caused by human error, prosecutor says \n", "\n", "Swiss told to wait till after UK referendum for EU migration deal \n", "\n", "Calling me a \"bitch\" makes me respect you even less. Get creative. Cock parrot. Twat gobblin. Slut pier. Show me you really care by putting in the work.\n", "\n", "I almost never finish a painting in one pass and love it but this is absolutely one of my favorite paintings ever.\n", "\n", "It takes up to three parameters and returns the first one that has any content.\n", "\n", "`` Do not the Unbelievers see that the skies and the earth were joined together , then We clove them asunder and We created every living thing out of the water.\n", "\n", "For a full list , see List of Masters of Trinity College , Cambridge.\n", "\n", "Learning that with great power comes great responsibility , Spider-Man becomes a vigilante.\n", "\n", "Bahrain will again be the season opener of the season , and Formula One cars shall , for the first time , drive the full 6.299 k circuit.\n", "\n", "What did Paris Hilton's left leg say to her right leg? nothing, they're never together. \n", "\n", "Prius: a tampon on wheels.\n", "\n", "NATO looks to combat Russia's 'information weapon': document \n", "\n", "Syria, migration on agenda for Canada, Mexico, U.S. talks \n", "\n", "How does the man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. \n", "\n", "The caterpillar is banded with yellow , black , and white stripes.\n", "\n", "Cruz tax plan would slash U.S. revenue, favor wealthy: analysis \n", "\n", "Please, my children. They are very obsolete\n", "\n", "Oregon occupiers: Not ready to go home quite yet \n", "\n", "World chess champion Garry Kasparov forecasts bloody regime change in Russia. \n", "\n", "proposing in a rvca trucker hat is a vibe\n", "\n", "What's the worst part about having sex with Marilyn Monroe? Maggots.\n", "\n", "HSBC board to meet, China's role in Hong Kong a factor in HQ debate: \n", "\n", "Decided to get into shape..I choose shape of potatoe.\n", "\n", "Indonesia overturns acquittal of international school teachers convicted of student abuse \n", "\n", "U.S. can still hit climate goals despite Supreme Court pause, White House says \n", "\n", "On top of this , there are words such as `` good '' and `` bad '' that roughly mean the opposite of each other , but would be better portrayed as `` good '' and `` ungood '' , dropping `` bad '' from the language altogether.\n", "\n", "I used to own a party balloon company but I couldn't keep up with the high cost of inflation.\n", "\n", "Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a-SALTED.\n", "\n", "Netflix: Are you still watching?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *remote control out of reach* I guess not.\n", "\n", "HBO’s slogan: It’s not TV, it’s HBO.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "STARZ’ slogan: We always have Joe Dirt.\n", "\n", "Deutsche Boerse equities trading won't move in LSE deal - Boerse CEO: \n", "\n", "Kerry says China's approach to North Korea has not worked \n", "\n", "It’s devastating that the Notre Dame burned down and not the Colosseum, because I went there once and would really like to tell you all about it\n", "\n", "Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes\n", "\n", "Fearful of Russia, Europe's defense cuts slow: NATO data \n", "\n", "EU's Tower of Babel may fall while leaders distracted \n", "\n", "When the moon hits your eye like an infinity sign that’s a-science\n", "\n", "Kerry meets Gulf Arabs in Riyadh on Syria, Iran nuclear deal \n", "\n", "Vince then announced that he and Michaels would face off against each other at WrestleMania.\n", "\n", "A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells \"You should have been here at 8:30!\" he replies: \"Why? What happened at 8:30?\"\n", "\n", "what’s going on with this restaurant’s menu\n", "\n", "Here at Shoney's our motto is \"If the food doesn't kill you, the host will\"\n", "\n", "What's the difference between being hungry and being horny? Where you put the cucumber.\n", "\n", "Squid , like cuttlefish , have eight arms arranged in pairs and two longer tentacles.\n", "\n", "I pulled a proper fit bird Saturday night! Part Mexican and right up for it. She told me she was dyslexic. I said get your taco, you've pulled!\n", "\n", "Ten dead as migrant boat sinks off Turkish coast \n", "\n", "Uganda police buy anti-riot gear ahead of Museveni's re-election bid \n", "\n", "Asian shares slip from three-week high as oil rally reverses \n", "\n", "It had also appeared on their album Good News for People Who Love Bad News.\n", "\n", "I just wiped out on my bike right in front of a garage sale so that was pretty cool\n", "\n", "ME: we have a problem, Karen invited us to a Coldplay concert\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: nice I love Coldplay\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: ok we have 2 problems\n", "\n", "Why did we name our planet after dirt?\n", "\n", "Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War\n", "\n", " He’s a paniac, paniac at the disco \r", "\r", "\r\n", "And he’s panicking like he’s never panicked before\n", "\n", "Swiss to vote on law aimed at expelling convicted foreigners without appeal \n", "\n", "Better An Egg Today Than A Hen Tomorrow\n", "\n", "Soon...\n", "\n", "I keep imagining I'm holding an invisible pack of cards,No one knows what I'm dealing with.\n", "\n", "When Angry, Count A Hundred\n", "\n", "duck: [sees my bread] i lust for crust\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: no\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "duck: c'mon that dough make me go oh\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: it'll make you sick\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "duck: i am a beast for the yeast baby\n", "\n", "The word armadillo is Spanish for `` little armored one ''.\n", "\n", "Look at my dog. Just look at him.\n", "\n", "Got a puzzle that said \"2-4 years\" only took me 1.\n", "\n", "I have a phobia of over engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.\n", "\n", "Obama to announce gun control measures 'quite soon': White House \n", "\n", "Hey Big Bang Theory fans! We know it's been emotional saying goodbye to the show. How 'bout a little happiness instead? Come to #PopCon & say hi to @KevinSussman! Photo Ops are limited. Get yours in advance by clicking here:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "https://popcon.us/indy/guest/kevin-sussman/ …\r", "\r", "\r\n", "#BigBangTheory #indy #ComicCon\n", "\n", "English teachers put more thoughts into novels than the authors do.\n", "\n", "McConnell: Senate won't OK any Obama Supreme Court nominee \n", "\n", "me: i'm terrified of random letters\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "therapist: you are?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [screams]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "therapist: oh i see\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [screaming intensifies]\n", "\n", "There doesn't appear to be any way to make the period optional.\n", "\n", "Latest poll indicates growing support for British EU exit \n", "\n", "Like Draws To Like\n", "\n", "No one is full of more false hope than a parent buying one of those little trash cans for the car.\n", "\n", "North Korea launches rocket it says is carrying satellite \n", "\n", "The Live Oak is the State Tree of Georgia.\n", "\n", "I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face\n", "\n", "[Jedi mind trick]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*waves hand stuck in a Pringle’s can*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Forget what you saw here.\n", "\n", "Senior Iraqi army officer killed in Haditha attack \n", "\n", "An Ass Is But An Ass, Though Laden With Gold\n", "\n", "Kremlin critic Navalny files lawsuit against Putin \n", "\n", "They released an album labeled Puuhevonen with traditional childrens 's songs in 2007 , around the time their first children were born.\n", "\n", "Is that a horse cannon you got in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?\n", "\n", "Islamic State attacks Jakarta in first strike at Indonesia: \n", "\n", "Scuffles break out over construction of migrant center on Greek island of Kos \n", "\n", "What's the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods? Tiger Woods has a better driver.\n", "\n", "Banadian goose\n", "\n", "Absolutely and one-hundred percent. \n", "\n", "I saw a sign in a second hand shop 'Half price TV - no volume control' I thought \"I can't turn that down!\"\n", "\n", "Spin-off or sale? Yahoo turnaround plan in focus as earnings awaited \n", "\n", "I stuck my head out the window while driving and got arrested for mooning..\n", "\n", "The nostrils and the mouth are at the distal end of the snout ; the mouth of the Short-beaked Echidna can not open wider than 5 mm.\n", "\n", "Icescapee: The ice cube that ends up on the floor when you break a new tray of ice.\n", "\n", "The Italians first thought of wooden holders.\n", "\n", "U.S. rejected North Korea peace talks offer before last nuclear test: State Department \n", "\n", "Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "1. Stay together forever\r", "\r", "\r\n", "2. Break up\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "No pressure.\n", "\n", "My girlfriend asked me earlier when I last had sex with someone that wasn't her? I said:\"Back in 08\". It sounds much better than 'August'\n", "\n", "Singapore says arrests 27 Bangladeshi Islamists, deports 26: \n", "\n", "Why do I have two gray hairs?! A thread...\n", "\n", "He is considered one of the first exponents of utilitarianism , and one of the first modern proponents of anarchism.\n", "\n", "I gotta dig bick. You that read wrong. That awkward when you read that wrong also. And said \"moment\" after awkward. This is awkward.\n", "\n", "This may have been because the Polans used to settle in the open fields.\n", "\n", "Britain could deny new migrant benefits under EU deal - draft\n", "\n", "Israeli MPs oppose eviction of Jewish settlers from West Bank homes \n", "\n", "me: i was attacked by ninjas-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "doctor: says here you kicked a target cement sphere to see if it would bounce\n", "\n", "Did you hear the joke about the deaf guy who walked into a bar? no! neither did he...\n", "\n", "Europe's 'last chance'\n", "\n", "Texas judge set to send 'affluenza' teen's case to adult system \n", "\n", "Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.\n", "\n", "If you tried to sex a black hole, your penis would be the longest it’s ever been followed immediately by being the smallest it’s ever been.\n", "\n", "I keep a bat under my bed, that way if there’s an intruder, and it’s Dracula, the bat will fly out and say “whoa hold up, Drac, this guy’s cool, he’s my roommate.”\n", "\n", "Tennis authorities reject allegations that there's been a failure to deal with match-fixing: \n", "\n", "nintendo ds: you caught your first pokémon. what would you like to name it\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: dickbutt\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "nintendo ds: you want to name it dick butt\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: no. dickbutt, one word\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "nintendo ds: look dude i'm not naming it dickbutt\n", "\n", "Sinbad is Simba's Dad.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I will not be taking comments on this tweet.\n", "\n", "When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.\n", "\n", "If I throw a stick, will you leave?\n", "\n", "However , if one waits three Saros cycles , the local time of day of an eclipse will be nearly the same . This period of three Saros cycles , is known as a Triple Saros or exeligmos.\n", "\n", "guys i'm almost at 14k followers. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "super exciting.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "14k.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "that's the big one. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "the one that gives me self esteem.\n", "\n", "Four Americans held in Bahrain as the island marks the anniversary of Arab Spring protests: \n", "\n", "me: i'm terrified of random letters\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "therapist: you are?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [screams]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "therapist: oh i see\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [screaming intensifies]\n", "\n", "Algeria jails man suspected of links to Paris attacks ringleader \n", "\n", "In classical economics , capital is one of three factors of production.\n", "\n", "A chordophone is any musical instrument which makes sound by way of a vibrating string or strings stretched between two points.\n", "\n", "The narrator may be a servant of the old man 's or , as is more often assumed , his son.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.\n", "\n", "I'm sick and tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit. I think it's time to make a stand.\n", "\n", "Wasn’t sure what to get this 4 year old for her preschool graduation, luckily the invitation her parents sent included a gift registry.\n", "\n", "Who says love is dead? Necrophiliacs\n", "\n", "Sean Connery is 84 Roger Moore is 87 Pierce Brosnan is 61 Daniel Craig is 47Ooh yeah. I'm really into Bond age.\n", "\n", "When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like \"You're Doing A Great Job\"\n", "\n", "EU says Ukraine at 'critical juncture', must stick to reforms \n", "\n", "I fought a guy on some moving stairs today, we started arguing at the bottom and things just escalated from there!\n", "\n", "whoever has my voodoo doll please stop making me put my hands above my head. i work at a ceiling fan store and the ceilings are very low\n", "\n", "Death toll from Fiji cyclone mounts amid health crisis fears: \n", "\n", "Myth:\r\n", "\r\n", "It is said to be that once the 'M' in MTV once stood for music.\n", "\n", "me: hey check this out. my headphones have technology that stops me from hearing noise i don't want to hear\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my friend: oh that's really coo--\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my headphones: shut the fuck up\n", "\n", "if she says please sir i want some more, you have big dickens energy\n", "\n", "only got to second base cause i had a boner and told my date i was dwayne johnson hard smh\n", "\n", "Assange ask Swedish court to overturn arrest warrant \n", "\n", "North Korea says nuclear deterrent not aimed at South \n", "\n", "The first storm formed on May 25 and the last storm dissipated on November 3.\n", "\n", "Germany's domestic intelligence agency says ISIS sending fighters disguised as refugees: \n", "\n", "Video games ruined my life. Luckily, I have two more.\n", "\n", "Jason at first thinks that he was robbed , but soon discovers that his entire identity has been erased.\n", "\n", "Wildebeest can live more than 20 years.\n", "\n", "Me and my posse of penguins are gonna go downtown and start a riot, wanna join?\n", "\n", "DeLand is also home to Skydive DeLand.\n", "\n", "“Come closer,” she whispered, covered in blood.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“I’m good,” I replied, cuz I could easily hear her and also the blood was gross.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“The prophecy,” she croaked, “can be undone.” \r", "\r", "\r\n", "And was like, “Plz don’t be dramatic,” but then she died and I was like: omg I’m such a bi$h sometimes.\n", "\n", "Ejaculation may occur spontaneously during sleep.\n", "\n", "One Scabby Sheep Will Mar A Whole Flock\n", "\n", "Three people were reported injured on the island , with two others dead.\n", "\n", "Vatican's Australian finance chief rejects 'baseless' child abuse allegations \n", "\n", "Kurds' advance in Syria divides U.S. and Turkey as Russia bombs \n", "\n", "Some people probably wouldn't eat 6 tacos and a crispy chicken sandwich at 3:00, but those people's wives probably aren't out of town.\n", "\n", "In 1966 , Howard wrote and released her first single of the year , `` Evil on Your Mind ''.\n", "\n", "What do you call a sheep in the army? Lambo\n", "\n", "Most of my time in relationships is spent waiting for the other person to stop being mad at me.\n", "\n", "After rolling back an edit , automatically open the contributions of the user rolled back.\n", "\n", "When a pessimist has nothing to worry about, he worries about why he has nothing to worry about.\n", "\n", "The Cairo International Book Fair is a major book fair held every year in the last week of January in Cairo , Egypt , at the Cairo International Fair Grounds in Madinat Nasr , near Al-Azhar University.\n", "\n", "British shop prices fall more sharply in February \n", "\n", "FIFA appeal panel upholds but shortens Blatter and Platini bans: \n", "\n", "together we can stop him\n", "\n", "[Leaving SeaWorld]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Blind Person: well that was bullshit.\n", "\n", "The modern name is now an Lú.\n", "\n", "You should check out this really expensive chair I just bought. It's in Section 6, row 20 at the stadium.\n", "\n", "Attempting to bring a woman to orgasm is a real clit or miss situation.\n", "\n", "Lentils are mentioned many times in the Old Testament , the first time recounting the incident in which Jacob purchases the birthright from Esau with stewed lentils.\n", "\n", "Yahoo to decide next strategic steps after quarterly earnings: sources \n", "\n", "Greeks at frontline of migrant crisis angry at Europe's criticism \n", "\n", "I wasn't really sure why he'd said it - I didn't really know why blending science fiction and comedy made me an \"asshole.\" But he'd also brought up (in the first 10 minutes) that he was Al Gore's roommate at Harvard, which seemed equally, I don't know... the same.\n", "\n", "Curses Like Chickens Come Home To Roost\n", "\n", "Two foreign tourists wounded in shooting attack on Egyptian hotel in Hurghada.\n", "\n", "Vivendi to bid for Gameloft, in talks with beIN Sports on Canal Plus \n", "\n", "On such systems three octal digits per byte would be required , with the most significant octal digit representing two binary digits.\n", "\n", "EU's Tusk to caution Britain's Cameron on Thursday on risks to EU deal \n", "\n", "Let Sleeping Dogs Lie\n", "\n", "50% of Japanese doctors have Cataracts. The other 50% drive Rincolns.\n", "\n", "A Japanese man once tried to fake his own death. His family didn't bereave him.\n", "\n", "[job interview]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: I guess my biggest weakness are questions\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Interviewer: what do you mean?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: oh no\n", "\n", "My game dog sucks at chess.\n", "\n", "Every Tub Must Stand On Its Own Bottom\n", "\n", "They have two children : Harry Theodor , born in June 2002 and Vera , born on January 1 , 2005.\n", "\n", "Facing U.S. storm, VW set for easier ride in Europe on emissions scandal \n", "\n", "Many large hearths also appear.\n", "\n", "Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I don't have Netflix\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Her: It means sex\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Oh right no I don't have that either\n", "\n", "I'm not saying the wife's fat, but she puts her belt on with a boomerang.\n", "\n", "If We Can't As We Would, We Must Do As We Can\n", "\n", "Its name means `` tree snake '' in Afrikaans and Dutch.\n", "\n", "Turkey shells northern Syria for second day: monitor \n", "\n", "In the 24-hour time notation , the day begins at midnight , 00:00 , and the last minute of the day begins at 23:59.\n", "\n", "On the way home , Jess and Leslie learn that they are next-door neighbors.\n", "\n", "France's Hollande reshuffles his government before 2017 elections \n", "\n", "In the 1590s three of his children were baptized in the Oude Kerk.\n", "\n", "Bought a cake for my girlfriend and wrote 'I'm baking up with you' on it.\n", "\n", "Why couldn't anyone hear Helen Keller scream? She was wearing mittens.\n", "\n", "That's A Horse Of Another Colour\n", "\n", "Paris Attacks survivors thank Bataclan security man who saved them: \n", "\n", "Will someone who is good at Latin tell me what animal this is?\n", "\n", "I like my puns like I like my sausages. The wurst ones are the best.\n", "\n", "[spelling bee]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Judge: your word is \"restaurant\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *lips on mic* can you go fuck yourself\n", "\n", "A swimmer caught in a rip current should not attempt to swim back to shore directly against the rip.\n", "\n", "None of your watched items were edited in the time period displayed.\n", "\n", "Decrying graft, Pope to tour poor, violent corners of Mexico \n", "\n", "I've been reading a book about the history of glue. I can't put it down!\n", "\n", "Obama's gun control measures to spark political, legal fights \n", "\n", "Honour And Profit Lie Not In One Sack\n", "\n", "Peru still unclear on future of presidential runner-up Guzman \n", "\n", "Midget psychic escaped from prison! Newspaper headline reads; Small Medium at Large.\n", "\n", "1/2\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My birthday is 6/19 & I’m fundraising for @DannyRonsRescue, an amazing org that's saved more than 10k dogs.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Now thru 6/30, I’m donating proceeds from my Fight Like a Princess merch: https://cottonbureau.com/products/fight-like-a-princess#/1113725/tee-men-standard-tee-vintage-black-tri-blend-s …\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Or donate directly: https://dannyronsrescue.org/donate (pls @ me the receipt!)\n", "\n", "The Darkest Hour Is That Before The Dawn\n", "\n", "Wofford 's colors are old gold and black . The school mascot is the Terrier.\n", "\n", "Why did the baker have dirty hands? Because he kneaded a poo.\n", "\n", "Platini withdraws candidacy for FIFA presidency \n", "\n", "Bergalicious definition make that ice go floato\r", "\r", "\r\n", "They want my waters, so they try some spotters from their boato\r", "\r", "\r\n", "they can't see me when they speedy\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I ain't easy but I'm freezy\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I got reasons why I sink em\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Ships just come and go like seasons\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bergalicious \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Titanic: It's not hot hot\n", "\n", "Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.\n", "\n", "The only question asked was whether Robinson would beat Currie and come second.\n", "\n", " Brazil's Zika virus outbreak worse than believed - minister \n", "\n", "Its first permanent building opened at Exhibition Place in 1961.\n", "\n", "The wife asked me to get that spray that will make the curtains smell nicer. Apparently femfresh wasn't it\n", "\n", "I had some time to kill..So I started with the mother in law.\n", "\n", "A Bad Workman Quarrels With His Tools\n", "\n", "Analysis - EU's real brake isn't Britain but Franco-German impasse \n", "\n", "*presses \"close ad\" but my finger barely touches the ad and the ad opens* \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My day is ruined\n", "\n", "Do you think Satan gets a lot of letters from Dyslexic kids during Christmas?\n", "\n", "Me: did I pass?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Driving instructor: *swimming away* no\n", "\n", "Last week I went to see the foot doctor, I took out my willy and the doctor said \"that's not a foot!\" I said\"I know, but it's a good 11 inches\"\n", "\n", "inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many\n", "\n", "My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, and they're like, it wasn't that hard.\n", "\n", "My Mrs was moaning about my obsession with sport so I booked us a table for 8pm. Disaster! By 9pm she still hadn't potted a single ball.\n", "\n", "Asian shares pressured, South African rand dives \n", "\n", "the signs as mario characters:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "aries: mario\r", "\r", "\r\n", "taurus: bowser\r", "\r", "\r\n", "gemini: yoshi\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cancer: peach\r", "\r", "\r\n", "leo: goomba\r", "\r", "\r\n", "virgo: shy guy\r", "\r", "\r\n", "libra: boo\r", "\r", "\r\n", "scorpio: luigi\r", "\r", "\r\n", "sagittarius: toad\r", "\r", "\r\n", "capricorn: lakitu\r", "\r", "\r\n", "aquarius: blooper\r", "\r", "\r\n", "pisces: kamek\n", "\n", "New York steps up efforts on crane safety after deadly collapse \n", "\n", "Spanish pirate? Sea señor\n", "\n", "Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.\n", "\n", "Russia's Putin discusses situation in Middle East with Israel's Netanyahu \n", "\n", "[visiting my mom]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MOM: let me show you all the houses I didn’t buy \r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: ok\n", "\n", "How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes nine years.\n", "\n", "I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?\n", "\n", "Turkish military says killed 27 Kurdish militants in southeast \n", "\n", "I think my tapeworm might be pregnant, I feel like I'm eating for three.\n", "\n", "Why did Humpty Dumpty push Mrs Humpty Dumpty off the wall? So he could see her crack.\n", "\n", "god: we relaxed the rules for heaven a bit and pretty much let anyone in if they've got an ok vibe \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: cool so i'm in?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "god: lmao not even close my dude\n", "\n", "The only way to defeat the patriarchy is to swipe right on guys holding giant fish, then send them your nudes but cover the good parts with the words I’M A SOCIALIST, BITCH\n", "\n", "Lollipop ladies. They make me cross.\n", "\n", "Made a chicken salad today. The little prick didn't eat it.\n", "\n", "EU refines Cameron deal, preparing summit 'English breakfast': \n" ] }, { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "\n", "‘PUT THE PYTHON DOWN AND COME INSIDE! YOUR TEA IS READY!’\n", "\n", "They think he killed the men and chase him and Iolaus.\n", "\n", "What happened to the stressed out redhead? He ginger snapped\n", "\n", "In 1770 his company created the first complication , and nine years later he designed the first engine-turned dials.\n", "\n", "What's long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber!\n", "\n", "A cure for dyslexia? Now that would be music to my arse.\n", "\n", "The undertail coverts are predominately white.\n", "\n", "Democrats to demand restructuring mechanism for Puerto Rico: letter \n", "\n", "There should be a law against 50+ year old men calling people \"bro\".\n", "\n", "Ignoranus: an ignorant butthole.\n", "\n", "I prefer when people say I was \"overserved\" rather than \"sloppy drunk\" because it implies that someone else was to blame\n", "\n", "How do you know if lady gaga is dead? You poke her face\n", "\n", "Women should not have children after 50. Really… 50 children are enough.\n", "\n", "I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.\n", "\n", "Iran begins crucial elections for parliament and Assembly of Experts: TV \n", "\n", "Congressman wants to strip Bill Cosby of his Presidential Medal of Freedom: \n", "\n", "Canada drops bid to return ex-Guantanamo inmate Khadr to jail \n", "\n", "It would be incorrect not to call Lapland Finns with that name , and would be similarly incorrect to use the latter name about the Sami people . This might be troublesome for foreign visitors because of the similar lives Finns and Sami people today live in Lapland.\n", "\n", "I occasionally enjoy having my steak undercooked, but that's rare.\n", "\n", "Mental Note: Actual notes work better.\n", "\n", "We will continue having meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.\n", "\n", "“I got rid of all my compact discs”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“Why?”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“It’s my 0CD”\n", "\n", "Death toll from strikes on east Syrian town reaches 47: monitor \n", "\n", "I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.\n", "\n", "Me: *Holds up drawing* is this the guy?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Witness: that looks nothing like him\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN\n", "\n", "He that shall be found Guilty of Cowardice in the time of engagements , shall suffer what Punishment the Captain and the Majority of the Company shall think fit.\n", "\n", "There are two types of people in this world. People who pee in the shower, and dirty freaking liars.\n", "\n", "I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.\n", "\n", "To my wife in bed - \"Give me a Chilean Miner!\" Her - \"What's that?\" Me- \"Go down to the bottom of my shaft and stay there 'til Christmas!\"\n", "\n", "It is one of the three ` senior ' non-leagues in Scotland.\n", "\n", "Johnson was born in New York City , but his family returned to Britain soon afterwards , as his mother had yet to take her Oxford University final exams.\n", "\n", "What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite movie? IT'S FUCKING FROZEN\n", "\n", "My 2yo was poking at my teeth with his finger and straight up just asked “daddy, what dat mouf do?”\n", "\n", "Macedonia postpones elections under EU, U.S. pressure \n", "\n", "A boat carrying red paint has crashed into a boat carrying blue paint. The crew have been marooned.\n", "\n", "How do pigs get to a hospital? By riding in a hambulance.\n", "\n", "If it wasn't for blinds, it would be curtains for us all.\n", "\n", "There is no one way to describe the original and unique sounds of Boeremusiek.\n", "\n", "jairzinho just did a knockout so fast you can fit the whole thing in a gif lol\n", "\n", "To put it another way , often it is not meaningful to simply add and subtract magnitudes.\n", "\n", "TIME TRAVELER FROM THE FUTURE: explain twitter to me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: sure just need three screenshots\n", "\n", "The key factor to distinguish them is to look at how many instructions the processor can issue in one cycle and how many threads from which the instructions come.\n", "\n", "Oil prices fall on U.S. storage glut, ongoing economic woes \n", "\n", "Texas AG says daily fantasy sports operators not legal in state \n", "\n", "blowhard: who comforts the comforters?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "duvet cover: I'm your huckleberry, hoss\n", "\n", "Two Israeli teens get lengthy jail terms for Palestinian youth's murder \n", "\n", "I was gonna tell a joke about a roof, but it would probably go over peoples heads.\n", "\n", "Burundi grenade attacks kill four, including a child \n", "\n", "Everyone in my office is losing their shit cause I somehow downloaded a corn dog\n", "\n", "The wife and I went to a bank robbers themed fancy dress party last night. Well I did. She stayed in the car and kept the engine running.\n", "\n", "It was initially created to ensure clean drinking water supply for the city of Srinagar.\n", "\n", "It provides a combination of personal revelation and eyewitness accounts of great events , such as the Great Plague of London , the Second Dutch War and the Great Fire of London.\n", "\n", "Maybe that makes me a bad actress.\n", "\n", "China's Xi sets up five new 'battle zones' in military reform push \n", "\n", "The first aboriginal settlers of Australia may have encountered living Megalania.\n", "\n", "Sean Connery is 84 Roger Moore is 87 Pierce Brosnan is 61 Daniel Craig is 47. Ooh yeah.. I'm really into Bond age.\n", "\n", "It's crazy how sexist the postal service is. I guess that's natural with such a mail dominated industry.\n", "\n", "At the same time , Charles de Valois entered Florence with Black Guelphs , who in the next six days destroyed much of the city and killed many of their enemies.\n", "\n", "What did the dog say to the tree? Bark.\n", "\n", "A Round Peg In A Square Hole\n", "\n", "Migrants set out on foot along Greek highway to Macedonia \n", "\n", "Trump serves notice to those who refuse to take his 2016 White House campaign seriously: \n", "\n", "A tree hollow or tree hole is a semi-enclosed cavity which has naturally formed in the trunk or branch of a tree.\n", "\n", "Welcome to middle age. Choose one: a shitty night's sleep or a great night's sleep with weird neck pain.\n", "\n", "lion dad to his cub: So you see son, lions don’t lose sleep over the opinions of sheep. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Brian the lion: yo Dennis I heard one of them sheep called you a bitch ass trickster \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "lion dad: Who said that? Who fucking said that I will mangle his fluffy little shit talking body\n", "\n", "Born and raised in Montreal , he was given his nickname due to friends deciding he looked like comic-strip character Andy Gump.\n", "\n", "Tanorexia: A disease like anorexia, no matter how tan a person is they never think they are tan enough.\n", "\n", "The stock gives whoever owns it part ownership in that company.\n", "\n", "Seven Hamas gunmen killed in Gaza border tunnel collapse \n", "\n", "This may mean the head voice of a woman is a man 's falsetto equivalent.\n", "\n", "Saw a bud's tweet saying \"spending The night with my girl\" I chuckled to myself because that movie SUCKED.\n", "\n", "CSI: *using UV light* My God, it's everywhere\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Oh haha that's not blood, it's pasta sauce\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Cop: *into radio* Tell Chief Boyardee we found his brother's killer\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Wait what\n", "\n", "I think shooting for the stars is a waste of ammunition.\n", "\n", "\"Hey nerd, who brings a friggin book to a bar?\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*my eyes narrow as I close my worn copy of Advanced Techniques for Winning Barroom Brawls*\n", "\n", "Venezuela's economic crisis will sink Maduro: opposition \n", "\n", "What was Hitler's favorite video game? Mein Kraft\n", "\n", "Genie: you have 3 wishes, and before you say it, “unlimited wishes” is not a thing. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I wish it was \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Genie: yeah, well that’s- wait a min- \r", "\r", "\r\n", "YOU LOOPHOLE SONOFA\n", "\n", "News conference at the U.S. Conference of Mayors interrupted by silent protester: \n", "\n", "If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes and Noble from 6 PM until I'm escorted out by security.\n", "\n", "Putin to spy service: Defend Russian elections from foreign foes \n", "\n", "I’m so inspired by the straight pride parade that I’m starting a charity for people who are really rich.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between an Indian and an asshole? One smells like shit and the other is an asshole.\n", "\n", " Oscar organizers pledge to double membership of women and minorities in film academy by 2020\n", "\n", "I saw this wino lying in a gutter eating grapes, I was like, \"bro, you have to wait.\"\n", "\n", "My computer just beat me at chess. Beat its ass at kickboxing though..\n", "\n", "What did the depressed ghost say to the psychiatrist? Thanks for lifting my spirits.\n", "\n", "[an argument]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: why are you so angry?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: BECAUSE I REALIZE I AM IN THE WRONG AND AM SLIGHTLY DEFENSIVE AND ALSO MAD AT MYSELF\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: k can you stop tho?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: YES I JUST NEED A MOMENT BC I HAVE POOR COPING MECHANISMS\n", "\n", " Worst start to the year for Dow since 2008, worst start for S&P 500 and Nasdaq since 2001\n", "\n", "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.\n", "\n", "Many countries issue only one passport to each national . When passport holders apply for a new passport , they may be required to surrender the old passport for invalidation.\n", "\n", "My tombstone is going to say, \"I told you I was immortal.\"\n", "\n", "You hear about the newest member of the X-Men? Caitlyn Jenner\n", "\n", "Alabaster is a name applied to varieties of two distinct minerals : gypsum and calcite.\n", "\n", "PROFESSOR: Please don't speak without raising your h-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [raises hand]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand\n", "\n", "SOMEDAY IT’LL BE A PERFECT WORLD WHERE CAT HAIR IS SEEDS AND EACH STRAND THAT IS SHED SPROUTS LITTLE KITTENS\n", "\n", "I thought I'd lost my dog in London at the weekend. Turns out he was just outside Barking.\n", "\n", "There's been an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.14159265 dead.\n", "\n", "Two drunken men see the light and walk over to take a closer look.\n", "\n", "England football player Johnson facing jail after child sex conviction \n", "\n", "It was an early episode , showing early designs for a few recurring characters.\n", "\n", "He likes his black and white furry top hat , which he once lost and later found.\n", "\n", "What do my son and wine have in common? They're both white, two years old, and in a box in my refrigerator.\n", "\n", "Republican Rubio seeks boost in Nevada, but Trump dominates polls \n", "\n", "\"Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.\"\n", "\n", "S(he)'s bro(was a sk8er boi)ken\n", "\n", "Should the Pakistan teachers have shot back? \n", "\n", "ME: Be still, my beating heart!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HEART: OK.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *dies*\n", "\n", "Bernie Sanders action toy slouches, points and raises lots of cash\n", "\n", "Words probably of Mede origin appear in various other Iranian dialects , including Old Persian.\n", "\n", "After 1,000-year split, pope and Russian patriarch embrace in Cuba: \n", "\n", "Asian shares skid to 2011 levels as oil slump intensifies \n", "\n", "Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.\n", "\n", "I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.\n", "\n", "oof\n", "\n", "That company formed Spin Media LLC as a holding company.\n", "\n", "Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework? \r\n", "Student: No, he did it all by himself.\n", "\n", "Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife is dead.\n", "\n", "I've got a friend whose butler is missing his left arm--serves him right.\n", "\n", "My wife told me that women were better at multitasking than men. I said to sit down and shut up. Guess what? She couldn't do do either!\n", "\n", "Valmiera was first mentioned as a town in a chronicle dating back to 1323.\n", "\n", "At one time Atomic City , Idaho was actually called Midway , Idaho.\n", "\n", "My Korean friend died last week. So Yung.\n", "\n", "To Save One's Bacon\n", "\n", "In the 2004 documentary Marilyn 's Man , Dougherty made three new claims : that he invented the `` Marilyn Monroe '' persona ; studio executives forced her to divorce him ; and that he was her true love and her `` dedicated friend for life . ''\n", "\n", "Dattatreya left home at an early age to wander naked in search of the Absolute.\n", "\n", "Trump and Clinton capture key wins on Super Tuesday. Catch up with the outcomes: \n", "\n", "LEADER OF FEUDAL REBELLION: We will bow before no man!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME (needs to tie my shoe): Oh no.\n", "\n", "Hot chocolate was first brought to North America as early as the 1600s by the Dutch , but the first time colonists began selling hot chocolate was around 1755.\n", "\n", "Anyone: I've tried pot a couple of times, but it's not for me. It gave me too many negative side effects\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dude who really loves weed: no it didnt\n", "\n", "A Thief Knows A Thief As A Wolf Knows A Wolf\n", "\n", "[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]\n", "\n", "Merkel warns against gains for British banks under EU deal - party officials \n", "\n", "In kennels , the best prevention is to keep all the cages disinfected.\n", "\n", "The U.S., E.U and U.N. have issued unusually stern criticism of Israel: \n", "\n", "DIETING TIP:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Crying while eating your salad at lunch can burn an extra nineteen calories and you lose excess water weight\n", "\n", "i’m gonna skip the middle man and just get married to a kitchenaid mixer\n", "\n", "A new horror film. A sadist traps snowmen and forces them to melt bits of themselves to escape. Thaw.\n", "\n", "Colombian peace talks back on track, say sponsor countries \n", "\n", "My new job as a taxidermist is pretty boring.. All I do is sit around and stuff.\n", "\n", "Me: I’d kick ass in a zombie uprising\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: u run away from flies because “maybe they know a bee”\n", "\n", "Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.\n", "\n", "I can't stand math teachers. They've got too many problems.\n", "\n", "If you wait for the waiter to return..Doesn't that MAKE you the waiter?\n", "\n", "This planking epidemic is getting out of hand. The old lady next door has been laying outside for 3 days now.\n", "\n", "In the ten playoff games prior to the cancellation , Vézina had won six games , lost three and tied one , with one shutout.\n", "\n", "Most mathematicians don't realize, there's an easy way to round Pi. Just add an \"e\".\n", "\n", "Turkey sees 70,000 Syrian refugees reaching border, 'won't close gates,' says PM \n", "\n", "Knock, knock. Who's there? Alex. Alex who? Alex the questions around here!\n", "\n", "Rehab is for quitters.\n", "\n", "Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year.\n", "\n", "The name of the book comes from the first verse , `` The Song of songs , which is Solomon 's . ''\n", "\n", "Indian audiences expect full value for their money , with a good entertainer generally referred to as paisa vasool.\n", "\n", "My dad used to say: \"Always fight fire with fire\". Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.\n", "\n", "The Company was founded in October 2007.\n", "\n", "Scramble for safety boosts yen, gold and bonds \n", "\n", "Rival Labour could swing Brexit battle for PM Cameron \n", "\n", "Rankin was raised in New York and was introduced to music by his mother , who sang at home and for friends.\n", "\n", "lLimiting the freedom of news 'just a little bit' is in the same category with the classic example a little bit pregnant.\n", "\n", "the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds\n", "\n", "Colombian rebels promise end to use of child soldiers \n", "\n", "Another name for this color is mallow.\n", "\n", "This must be done prior to the start of the game . ''\n", "\n", "As market rout continues, Yellen sticks to her guns \n", "\n", "Stocks fight back as oil pinballs back above $30: \n", "\n", "Never iron a four leaf clover. You don't want to press your luck.\n", "\n", "Me: and this is my house \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Friend: what’s upstairs \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: stairs don’t talk\n", "\n", "sending an email to myself over and over with just the word \"email\" in it so that my phone learns to stop putting a dash between the e and the mail inside the word email which is spelled email\n", "\n", "Cenote water is often very clear , as the water comes from rain water infiltrating slowly through the ground , and therefore contains very little suspended particulate matter.\n", "\n", "The closest to perfection most people ever get is when they're filling out a job application.\n", "\n", "Tree bark is often used as a mulch and in growing media for container plants.\n", "\n", "It marks the first use of Bart 's catchphrase `` Eat my shorts . ''\n", "\n", "Vietnam PM out of contention in party leadership, political exit looms \n", "\n", "Steinitz had previously declared he would win without doubt , so it came as a shock when Lasker won the first game.\n", "\n", "After being arrested and soon released , in 1881 Cafiero went to London , where he remained for a long time.\n", "\n", "g g g g g\r", "\r", "\r\n", "g g g g g\r", "\r", "\r\n", "g g g g g\r", "\r", "\r\n", "g g g g g\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "^ tilt your head to the left for a tiny Arsenio Hall studio audience\n", "\n", "Me: I hate people\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Also Me: but I want sex\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- A Cumundrum\n", "\n", "I can tell that my skincare jokes have made you cry because of how moisturiser.\n", "\n", "Source says Siemens to buy CD-adapco for close to $1 billion: \n", "\n", "So annoying when no one in the office notices your new haircut or the subtle change in light as day shifts from morning to afternoon\n", "\n", "The human penis is made up of three columns of tissue : two corpora cavernosa lie next to each other on the dorsal side and one corpus spongiosum lies between them on the ventral side.\n", "\n", "Apple's fight with U.S. could speed development of government-proof devices\n", "\n", "High waves hamper search for Marines missing in Hawaii helicopter crash \n", "\n", "whenever i spend hours scrolling for the latest drama i call that teasearch\n", "\n", "Two decades would pass before the significance of Flemming 's work was truly realized with the rediscovery of Mendel 's rules.\n", "\n", "i could tell you about this vanilla froyo but then i’d have to kill you\n", "\n", "Adversity Is A Great Schoolmaster\n", "\n", "Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.\n", "\n", "Jalal Dabagh was born on May 12 , 1939 , in Silêmanî city in Southern-Kurdistan.\n", "\n", "My horse will only come out of its stable when it gets dark. It's becoming a night mare. \n", "\n", "Ran into Donkey from Shrek today.\n", "\n", "me (doing crossword): babe what’s a ten letter term for “nose candy”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: snot butter\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: what, no... *it fits* I can’t believe it\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: oh-ho YOU CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S SNOT BUTTER *pulls off mask to reveal she’s actually Sacha Baron Cohen*\n", "\n", "Time flies when you're throwing watches.\n", "\n", "When God shuts a door he opens a window. And turns off the lights. There’s food in the fridge. He'll be home by 9. Don't touch that thermostat!\n", "\n", "`` Let It Go '' appeared on the Set It Off soundtrack.\n", "\n", "FIFA hears Blatter appeal against eight-year ban: \n", "\n", "Three Iraqi presidential guards kidnapped near northern town: sources \n", "\n", "How do vampires fall in love? Love at first bite!\n", "\n", "It's crab season. Choose your fighter.\n", "\n", "Apple seeks nod to open India stores: \n", "\n", "Knock, Knock. Who's there? Yah. Yah who?I didn't know you were a cowboy.\n", "\n", "New breed investors embrace China's white-knuckle ride \n", "\n", "There’s a good reason why Ferris Bueller’s day off was about a teenager, and not a 40 year old man. Today I’m getting an oil change, emissions tested, and going to the DMV. I almost fell asleep typing that.\n", "\n", "I was involved in a violent mugging this morning. On the plus side I did make $43 and I think the watch looks really good on me.\n", "\n", "Who needs men? I can gaslight my own damn self\n", "\n", "Circles , tubes , cylindrical shafts , disks , and spheres may be concentric to one another.\n", "\n", "The two women soon develop a strong bond of love and friendship.\n", "\n", "Alphabet reports 17.8 percent rise in revenue \n", "\n", "It appears to be like a long katana-shaped halberd , but straighter and thinner , with a very long tsuka.\n", "\n", "NBC then canceled Fear Factor in May.\n", "\n", "Here is my portrait of @Liz_Cheney\n", "\n", "The company enter the black forest of Mirkwood without Gandalf.\n", "\n", "He That Never Climbed Never Fell\n", "\n", "What goes around comes around\n", "\n", "[first day in space]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *poops into the air and it begins floating* ˢᴾᴬᶜᴱ ᴸᴼᴳ \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "OTHER ASTRONAUT: holy hell what? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *does a little more* ᴬˢˢᵀᴱᴿᴼᴵᴰˢ\n", "\n", "If so , an early recourse to dispute resolution may help.\n", "\n", "Females also have two black spots in the center of the forewings.\n", "\n", "Two wrongs make a riot.\n", "\n", "North Korean patrol boat crosses to South, retreats after warning shots \n", "\n", "John Bardeen was born in Madison , Wisconsin on May 23 , 1908.\n", "\n", "me [to my daughter]: forgiveness is the key to happiness. always be kind\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "also me [to the man in front of me at the express check out]: fucken seven cauliflowers is it? cauliflower ass sucker you motherfu\n", "\n", "David Bowie dies after 18-month battle with cancer \n", "\n", "A wise man once said nothing.\n", "\n", "If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?\n", "\n", "The First Blow Is Half The Battle\n", "\n", "In time gloves replaced bare hands.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the dumb woodworm?He was found dead inside a house brick.\n", "\n", "The Northern Hemisphere species of swan have pure white plumage but the Southern Hemisphere species are mixed black and white.\n", "\n", "I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.\n", "\n", "the signs as conspiracy theories:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "aries - 9/11 inside job\r", "\r", "\r\n", "taurus - fake moon landing\r", "\r", "\r\n", "gem - illuminati \r", "\r", "\r\n", "cancer - jfk shot by cia\r", "\r", "\r\n", "leo - flat earth\r", "\r", "\r\n", "virgo - chemtrails\r", "\r", "\r\n", "libra - crop circles\r", "\r", "\r\n", "scorp - reptilians\r", "\r", "\r\n", "sag - fluoride water\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cap - area 51\r", "\r", "\r\n", "aqua - ancient aliens\r", "\r", "\r\n", "pisces - the matrix\n", "\n", "What has five teeth and an I.Q. of three? The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.\n", "\n", "'Making a Murderer' shines unwanted spotlight on Wisconsin city \n", "\n", "Sometimes wisdom doesn't come with age, sometimes just age likes to show up.\n", "\n", "Most common bony fish , including most fish kept in aquaria or caught for food , are neither electrogenic nor electroreceptive.\n", "\n", "Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store? For the watch\n", "\n", "Greek PM Tsipras says lenders could return for review in first 10 days of March \n", "\n", "SON: Is that a bear outside the tent?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: No.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SON: Okay.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Hold still.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SON: What're you putting on me?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Sunscreen.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SON: It smells like ketchup.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Shhh\n", "\n", "I just got the morning post and one envelope read 'Photographs Do Not Bend'. Liars! I folded it in half really easily!\n", "\n", "really looking forward to multitasking in a fast-paced environment this weekend\n", "\n", "[when butter was invented]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Butter knives: FINALLY\n", "\n", "He 's played for the New York Rangers , Florida Panthers , Philadelphia Flyers , New York Islanders , and New Jersey Devils.\n", "\n", "North Korea successfully conducts nuclear test \n", "\n", "Asian shares gain on commodity recovery hopes \n", "\n", "I waited until he came back.\n", "\n", "Burkina Faso army arrests dozens of suspects after armory raid \n", "\n", "France did not request EU to consider new Iran sanctions: EU diplomats\n", "\n", "Like many Disney Channel Original Series , The Suite Life of Zack and Cody had a number of novels based on episodes of the series , as well as original books.\n", "\n", "Dow slides 2 percent as China fears trigger selloff: \n", "\n", "BREAKING: Police are trying to rescue a cow lost in a cannabis field. The steaks have never been higher.\n", "\n", "Patient: 'Doctor, I can't stop singing Sexbomb, sexbomb.' Doctor: \"you've got Tom Jones disease.\" Patient: 'is it common?' Doctor: \"It's not unusual.\"\n", "\n", "Iraqi police confirm three U.S. citizens missing in Baghdad: \n", "\n", "The name roughly translates to Saint Mary beyond the Water.\n", "\n", "I hate being bipolar, it's amazing.\n", "\n", "Emaul: degrading someone via e-mail\n", "\n", "I will start watching it when it's called \"dancing off a cliff\"\n", "\n", "6:30 is the best time on a face clock..Hands down!\n", "\n", "Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper \"I was just thinking the exact same thing\".\n", "\n", "9 in 10 people love chocolate. And the 10th person is a liar.\n", "\n", "Why do barbers become good drivers? They know all the short cuts.\n", "\n", "Newly released bin Laden letter calls on Americans to help Obama fight climate change: \n", "\n", "The inventor of throat lozenges has died. There'll be no coffin at his funeral.\n", "\n", "Darkthrone is a Norwegian black metal band.\n", "\n", "spring in hieron\n", "\n", "Two Palestinian teens shot dead after attacking Israeli in West Bank \n", "\n", "Standard time is the result of synchronizing clocks in different geographical locations within a time zone to the same time rather than using the local meridian as in local mean time or solar time.\n", "\n", "Max Landis has been a confirmed piece of shit for many years and I have lots of opinions but one of the best ways to make him pay is to make sure nobody forgets this tweet\n", "\n", "Jenna Morasca , fearing for her mother 's health , decided to drop out , returning to her mother 's side ; her mother passed away eight days later from cancer.\n", "\n", "To the garden of my love there came an evil louder The shrubs now lie there , my fair one , shrubs lie While gathering the roses , he broke their stems to moulder They are all dry , my fair one , they are all dry.\n", "\n", "Heard Apple was making a new iPod Touch model targeting a younger audience. I don't think the ' iTouch Kids ' is gonna be a big success.\n", "\n", "China markets face make-or-break day as policy dumbfounds \n", "\n", "I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.\n", "\n", "The Hawaiian name `` Mauna Loa '' means `` Long Mountain ''.\n", "\n", "Germans make refugees feel at home with buddy schemes, cooking and sport \n", "\n", "People ask if I still enjoy sex at 45?! I live at number 57, so it's not far to go\n", "\n", "I'm going to shave off my hair then grow a beard so it looks like my head is upside down\n", "\n", "These tourist deaths in the Dominican Republic are the closest thing we’ve had to a real-life Scooby Doo mystery in years.\n", "\n", "neighbor: your dog's barking at nothing again\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dog: actually im barking at climate change\n", "\n", "Just ordered a load of bubble wrap off eBay today. Just to see what it gets delivered in.\n", "\n", "The WHO warns that the mosquito-borne Zika virus is likely to spread across the Americas: \n", "\n", "When trying to improve the security of a block cipher , one might get the idea to simply use two independent keys to encrypt the data twice . Naively , one might think that this would square the security of the double-encryption scheme.\n", "\n", "I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.\n", "\n", "My Nan has found a lump in each of her breasts. Turns out it was just her knees.\n", "\n", "EU agrees Greece border demands, heralding Schengen suspension \n", "\n", "When is the first time motorcycles are mentioned in the bible? When David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.\n", "\n", "me: the moon controls the tides and the human psyche. wolves know that, that’s why they howl at her. it’s a tribute.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "therapist: let’s talk about your father\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: no\n", "\n", "Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today. Should have put it on aloha setting.\n", "\n", "How do you confuse a moron? 16.\n", "\n", "See Ladakh for more information.\n", "\n", "Argentina's new president faces strike, discontent as prices leap \n", "\n", "[overhears cute girl at work likes birds]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me:\n", "\n", "Ivory Coast soldiers get life sentences for killing ex-president \n", "\n", "One end of the device is fitted with a single male type-A USB connector.\n", "\n", "Confession Is The First Step To Repentance\n", "\n", "What do gay horses eat? Haaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy\n", "\n", "Several special bus services serve the stadium when events take place.\n", "\n", "Damascus expects tough but short battle for Aleppo \n", "\n", "might fuck around and pronounce the p in raspberry\n", "\n", "South Korea's Park seeks 5-party talks on North's nuclear program \n", "\n", "I asked God for a bike, but then I realised God doesn't work that way..So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.\n", "\n", "Why did the introduction and the conclusion break up? Because they were never on the same page\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the woman who got attacked by a gang of mimes? They performed unspeakable acts on her.\n", "\n", "hello my honey bunches of oats.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "it’s time to play our favorite game.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "reply with ur face.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "smile for a roast \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "OR\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "look sad for a not-roast\n", "\n", "\"The future we want is in our grasp\": Hillary Clinton \n", "\n", "Circular definition: see definition, circular.\n", "\n", "A Forced Kindness Deserves No Thanks\n", "\n", "Me: Do you know what water’s boiling point is? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "6yo: Tea! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *welling up* It sure is, kiddo\n", "\n", "Mixed up my first few blog topics and ended up writing about sex on a budget.\n", "\n", "Bought my gay friend a GPS just so it would tell him to go straight.\n", "\n", "Remember the whole Marie Kondo fad where we all cleaned like half a room and were like “welp, that’s quite enough of that.”\n", "\n", "[me still wearin xbox headset while making a sandwich between matches] looks like I work at Wendy’s haha\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[wife putting on perfume to go to the grocery store] haha\n", "\n", "What do Ethiopians get for Christmas? Hungry\n", "\n", "I've already accomplished* so much today\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*been afraid of a goose\n", "\n", "'Homegrown' terrorist attacks are a top security threat this year: U.S. intelligence chief. \n", "\n", "Neutrinos have bad breadth.\n", "\n", "While it’s an honor to be officially selected as The-Person-The-Waiter-Makes-Eye-Contact-With-To-Ask-If-Everything-Is-Ok-For-The-Whole-Table, I’m afraid the pressure to understand everyone’s needs is too much. I’d like to resign from this position, please.\n", "\n", "Mother of Texas 'affluenza' teen posts bond, set for Tuesday release \n", "\n", "Entropy isn't what it used to be.\n", "\n", "[life goals in the climate crisis]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "List of places to see before I die: about 10\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "List of places that’ll die before I see them: everything within 50 miles of the ocean\n", "\n", "Bank of Baroda posts Q3 loss as bad loans surge \n", "\n", "fave a reply guy’s reply and he’ll reply for a day, respond to a reply guy’s reply and he’ll reply for a lifetime\n", "\n", "Pope courts indigenous Mexicans as Catholic fervor fades \n", "\n", "Magical Mickelson moves two ahead at Pebble Beach \n", "\n", "UK consumer spending growth hits eight-month high in January - Visa Europe: \n", "\n", "[from outside]: gonna round up the cows, boss\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "him: what’s that\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: my ranch-hand\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "him: no, that {pointing to my creamy fingers}\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: my ranch hand\n", "\n", "What's the cheapest kind of meat? Deer balls, They're under a buck!\n", "\n", "The Higher The Ape Goes, The More He Shows His Tail\n", "\n", "I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.\n", "\n", "I have two identical watches. I've got time to spare\n", "\n", "Spain's Rajoy declines to seek confidence of parliament \n", "\n", "look it's getting late are you gonna kiss me thru the phone or not\n", "\n", "Really hate my new job crushing empty Coca-Cola cans. Its soda pressing.\n", "\n", "The precocious passion and eloquence of Hugo 's early work brought success and fame at an early age.\n", "\n", "“Hell is other people.”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Sartre\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Full quote: “Hell is other people trying to board an airplane.”\n", "\n", "What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?\r\n", "The wheelchair\n", "\n", "Bleach and latex gloves:$10. Plastic wrap, trash bags and duct tape:$ 20...Chainsaw:$200 The Horrified look on the cashiers face: PRICELESS!\n", "\n", "Belgium detains 10 people in IS recruitment investigation \n", "\n", "[my first day as an nba coach]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me:\n", "\n", "I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams. Cause she'll be wanting some weird stuff.\n", "\n", "I had to quit my job fitting tyres at the garage. I just couldn't handle the pressure.\n", "\n", "In this way , energy is transferred from the water flow to the turbine.\n", "\n", "Iranian, Chinese presidents agree to expand strategic ties \n", "\n", "What's green and climbs walls? An overly ambitious cucumber.\n", "\n", "Russia reinforces base in Armenia with modernized aircraft: agencies \n", "\n", "Bad Zurzach was previously known as Zurzach ; the population voting for the official name change in a referendum of 21 May 2006.\n", "\n", "North Korea govt took 70 percent of money paid for Kaesong workers: South Korea \n", "\n", "The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.\n", "\n", "`` One Fish , Two Fish , Blowfish , Blue Fish '' is the eleventh episode of The Simpsons second season.\n", "\n", "To Live From Hand To Mouth\n", "\n", "Former 'Friends' star Matt LeBlanc joins BBC's 'Top Gear' \n", "\n", "Debt Is The Worst Poverty\n", "\n", "me *driving past the apocalypse*: Horses\n", "\n", "I have an irrational fear that I will have sex with an old barfly and she will turn out to be Steven Tyler.\n", "\n", "The brain is a wonderful organ: it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.\n", "\n", "Why did I divide sin by tan? Just cos.\n", "\n", "OFFICER: We need an EMT, there’s a body in the pumpkin field\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SERGEANT: Call dispatch\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "OFFICER: Ok, there’s a body in the pumpkin patch\n", "\n", "I've always wanted to learn how to juggle. I just don't have the balls to do it.\n", "\n", "At the barbers today, I asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise, so he gave me a cushion to sit on.\n", "\n", "How's an online college degree like a small pizza? Neither feeds a family of four.\n", "\n", "Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.\n", "\n", "I’m too old for 2am booty calls \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "If you aren’t fucking by 9pm \r", "\r", "\r\n", "I’m going to bed\n", "\n", "WE ARE UNIONIZED!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CONGRATS TO THE BOJACK HORSEMAN CREW!!!\n", "\n", "I'm like Daniel Craig, but without any of the Daniel Craig stuff. This is a lazy joke, please don't debase yourself by liking it.\n", "\n", "Trump hammers away at Cruz citizenship, U.S. Senate leader mum \n", "\n", "i want to die\n", "\n", "The first years are coming \r", "\r", "\r\n", "and they don’t stop coming.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Platform 9 ¾’s\r", "\r", "\r\n", "gotta hit the wall running.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "The Hogwarts Express \r", "\r", "\r\n", "is the name of the train.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Ron’s a good friend \r", "\r", "\r\n", "and Hermione’s the brain.\n", "\n", "Speeding has never killed anyone. suddenly becoming stationary, now THATS what gets you.\n", "\n", "I'd say fuck the wheather, but its definitely under 18...\n", "\n", "How does Canada have free healthcare but not cashapp and instagram music\n", "\n", "Egypt parliament expels MP for dining with Israeli ambassador \n", "\n", "In the introduction to his collected Persian poems , he says : `` In the early days when I was just beginning to write poetry , every few days I would set my heart on a particular pen name and then after a time change it for another because someone showed up who shared the same name ''.\n", "\n", "Air strikes target road out of rebel-held Aleppo: Observatory \n", "\n", "me: hey why-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "librarian: shh\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ʷʰʸ ᶜᵃⁿᵗ ʷᵉ ᵗᵃˡᵏ ᶦⁿ ˡᶦᵇʳᵃʳᶦᵉˢ\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "librarian: they'll hear us\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: who is they\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "the ghost who lives in the shelves: WHO DARES DISTURB-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "librarian: SHH\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "the ghost who lives in the shelves: ᶠᵘᶜᵏ ᵈᵒ ᵘ ᵗʰᶦⁿᵏ ᵗʰᵉʸ ʰᵉᵃʳᵈ ᵐᵉ\n", "\n", "Those performances qualified Kim for the Grand Prix Final for the first time.\n", "\n", "Obama makes emotional plea in defense of plan to increase background checks for gun buyers: \n", "\n", "What's a pirates favorite thing to knit? Scaaaaaarrves \n", "\n", "A few years later Palahniuk managed to make his first New York Times bestseller , the novel Choke.\n", "\n", "Soon after , three nomadic vampires - James , Victoria , and Laurent - arrive.\n", "\n", "Tens of thousands of Fijians homeless after cyclone: disaster agency \n", "\n", "UK to launch review into feasibility of tidal energy \n", "\n", "U.S., allies conduct 24 strikes against Islamic State: U.S. military \n", "\n", "I had a huge fight with my girlfriend yesterday, but I know she'll come crawling back to me. I stole her wheelchair.\n", "\n", "Evaporation exceeds precipitation , the level of water in lakes like Lake Chad falls , and rivers become dry wadis.\n", "\n", "i'm starting a feminist program where i teach young girls to torrent without their boyfriend's help\n", "\n", "The affirmative action policies have seen a rise in black economic wealth and an emerging black middle class.\n", "\n", "The poet and story writer Henry Lawson was born on the nearby gold fields.\n", "\n", "All smiles #Corsica https://www.instagram.com/p/ByraS0QB0fM/?igshid=12lxn39i6cjud …\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the pessimistic German vegetarian? He feared the wurst\n", "\n", "Nothing Succeeds Like Success\n", "\n", "Vaughan Williams and Butterworth became close friends.\n", "\n", "'No deal yet' on Britain's EU renegotiation, leaders say \n", "\n", "Calls in South Korea for nuclear weapons as parliamentary poll looms \n", "\n", "[couples therapy]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: He's always talking down to me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *heavy sigh* It's called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen\n", "\n", "Authorities to sweep Oregon wildlife refuge after armed standoff \n", "\n", "[hands Happy Meal back to server]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: this is neither of those things\n", "\n", "Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.\n", "\n", "[first day as a surgeon]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "doctor: and this is the on-call room\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: yes for the sex\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "doctor: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: isn’t that like 90% of what doctors do?\n", "\n", "The people live here without any discrimination of caste , color , language and religion.\n", "\n", "Colombia, FARC rebels to ask U.N. to monitor any disarmament: \n", "\n", "Digital audio files can be transported from one computer to another like any other file , and played on a compatible media player.\n", "\n", "Air New Zealand Limited is the national airline and flag carrier of New Zealand.\n", "\n", "I wrote about UCB for Slate:\n", "\n", "Bomb kills at least five Somali soldiers outside Mogadishu \n", "\n", "Just me I guess\n", "\n", "`` Fell on Black Days '' was written by frontman Chris Cornell.\n", "\n", "All any of us want, is to think that we made a difference.\n", "\n", "chief: the volcano god demands a virgin\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [shows up late to meeting wearing socks and sandals] whats going on\n", "\n", "These salaries were set centuries ago and reflect the living costs of the day.\n", "\n", "I won 'BSer of the year' but no one believed me.\n", "\n", "I was so cold today that my jaw started to freeze. So I gritted my teeth.\n", "\n", "I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.\n", "\n", "Twitter reacts as Pope Francis and Donald Trump take each other on\n", "\n", "I said I was not comfortable doing air guitar. And I'm definitely not jumping in the air. Twenty minutes later:\n", "\n", "Italian killing highlights assault on academic freedom in Egypt \n", "\n", "Two Chinese killed in 'bomb' blast in Laos: Xinhua \n", "\n", "Wal-Mart merges tech teams in online push \n", "\n", "Australia warns travelers of possible militant attacks in Indonesia \n", "\n", "I started learning karate as a child due to a fear of vampires and tbh they've never tried to fuck with me since then\n", "\n", "Nobel Peace Prize shatters record for nominees for 2016 \n", "\n", "What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.\n", "\n", "Me: As you'll see in my resume, there's a small gap in my employment history.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Interviewer: You mean this cigarette burn?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Yes that's it.\n", "\n", "How do u find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints.\n", "\n", "Stoker was the third of seven children.\n", "\n", "U.S. justices consider taking Obama appeal on immigration action \n", "\n", "The first recorded use of amaranth as a color name in English was in 1690.\n", "\n", "Bernal suggested that evolution may have commenced early , some time between Stage 1 and 2.\n", "\n", "Slumbering Pakistani steel giant shows why state sell-offs are stalled \n", "\n", "If you hold a mackerel to your ear you can just about hear the fishmonger in Morrisons telling you to put the fucker down.\n", "\n", "Every Dog Has His Day\n", "\n", "If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?\n", "\n", "There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't.\n", "\n", "Despina mocks the sisters , advising them to consider new lovers over old lovers.\n", "\n", "i have anxiety today which basically just means my depression had an espresso\n", "\n", "What do you call a woman sat under a cow? Pat.\n", "\n", "A Blind Man Would Be Glad To See\n", "\n", "countrang rongss, take mae honess\n", "\n", "What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job? You just know she'll swallow.\n", "\n", "Need an ark? I Noah guy.\n", "\n", "The population of Great Inagua is 969.\n", "\n", "My girlfriend says I never take her anywhere expensive, so I took her to the gas station.\n", "\n", "No, you won't.\n", "\n", "Geek: The people you pick on in high school and work for after.\n", "\n", "This group is set on , and may use to set permissions on any wikimedia wiki ; they may add or remove any user from any group.\n", "\n", "Many criminal operations engage in corruption , black marketeering , terrorism , abduction etc..\n", "\n", "her: it’s the third date\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: you know what that means \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: yep ;) \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: we’re gonna steal the declaration of independence\n", "\n", "I've always wanted to be a doctor, but I've never had the patience.\n", "\n", "Hercules and Iolaus are in a tavern and end up fighting some men because they don't believe that he is really Hercules.\n", "\n", "U.S. OKs sale of 8 Lockheed F-16 fighter jets to Pakistan - Pentagon \n", "\n", "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.\n", "\n", "Osborne warns of deeper spending cuts after growth falls short - BBC \n", "\n", "In Japan , kissing is done as `` proof of affection but not love ; '' mothers kiss their children yet Japanese lovers do not kiss one another.\n", "\n", "teenager: do you remember the 1900s?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me *taking a drag on a cigarette*: it was the summer of 1997. we were cloning sheep. Lauryn Hill ruled the airwaves. I remember how the air smelled of the sea.\n", "\n", "There's reports coming in about an unexplained explosion that's caused a 75ft deep hole in Trafalgar Square! Police are looking into it.\n", "\n", "Israelis near Gaza fear Hamas is tunneling beneath them \n", "\n", "Originality is The art of concealing your sources.\n", "\n", "Thus , if you wanted to know how much DM 1,000.00 marks in 1960 are worth nowadays , entering would provide a result still in marks , not in euros.\n", "\n", "Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: that’s what cell phones are for\n", "\n", "Hamas not seeking a war with Israel, says top official \n", "\n", "[How I imagined my 20s as a kid]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "partying, drinking, staying out all night\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[What my 20s are actually like]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "keeping a close eye on the birds in the backyard because I'm pretty sure they are in a rival gang that opposes the squirrels & I wanna see how that drama plays out honestly\n", "\n", "Jobless claims fall more than expected \n", "\n", "{animal dies in a movie}\r", "\r", "\r\n", "this is the saddest thing I've ever seen\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "{robot dies in a movie}\r", "\r", "\r\n", "omg it's just a robot why am I crying\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "{human dies in a movie}\r", "\r", "\r\n", "lmao bye bitch\n", "\n", "Eargasm: climax of ear's pleasure, usually when listening to music. \"Dude! I totally just had an eargasm man!\"\n", "\n", "The Beano comic takes its name from the English word beano which can be loosely interpreted as a good time.\n", "\n", "His discovery , first published in the Geelong Advertiser on 7 July 1851 triggered the first gold rush in Victoria.\n", "\n", "I took the mother in law out the other night. I love being a sniper.\n", "\n", "Me: So... edibles can mean marijuana, but it can also be sexy underwear. What if it was both?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Marketing: We sell life insurance here, Simpson\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CEO: *loudly eating Cheetos* wait....let's hear him out, Phil\n", "\n", "Many Southern writers , like Simms , soon wrote their own books in opposition to Stowe 's novel.\n", "\n", "I was accused of ruining a family portrait, but I swear I was framed.\n", "\n", "ME: I took a huge bong hit before I came here.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DOCTOR: Hmm, yes, that explains the bong-shaped bruise on your face.\n", "\n", "Women took part in the games for the first time and Charlotte Cooper became the first female Olympic champion.\n", "\n", "The last two or three survivors face a jury historically comprising of at least the last seven players voted off.\n", "\n", "Insight - FIFA-appointed committee questions Guatemala football TV contracts: sources \n", "\n", "Turkey's Erdogan says stronger presidency not a matter of personal ambition \n", "\n", "My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft. I didn't believe it at first, but when I got home all the signs were there.\n", "\n", "[Katy Perry’s roar playing over a montage of me unsuccessfully trying to open a bag of chips]\n", "\n", "I am iron man\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*sets the steam to high\r", "\r", "\r\n", "for denim pants*\n", "\n", "Friend: try this. It tastes terrible \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, who dislikes myself: ok\n", "\n", "Central Pier is one of three piers in the town of Blackpool , England.\n", "\n", "genie: i shall grant you three wishes\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i wish my dog could talk\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "genie: done\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [petting my dog] hey buddy you've got two wishes\n", "\n", "If the company uses proxy servers , this IP address may represent many users at many physical computers.\n", "\n", "Some odd-toed ungulates have one hoof on each foot ; others have three hoofed or heavily nailed toes , or one hoof and two dew-claws.\n", "\n", "Can Hillary Clinton close the deal?\n", "\n", "Her: so you’re rich?!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: yeah ᶦⁿ ˢᵖᶦʳᶦᵗ\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Her: what?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I’m loaded ʷᶦᵗʰ ᵈᵉᵇᵗ\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Her: huh?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I owe ˢᵒ ᵐᵘᶜʰ ᵐᵒⁿᵉʸ ah dammit i said the quiet part loud\n", "\n", "Therapist: When I recommended an emotional support animal this isn't what I had in mind.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *breastfeeding my lizard* Don't listen to him Jar Jar Skinks he's just jealous.\n", "\n", "Kullervo sits down to eat , but the heirloom knife breaks on one of the stones in the bread.\n", "\n", "How do you make a door laugh? Tickle it's knob.\n", "\n", "He started a full time school there for children who had been failed or abandoned by the traditional education system.\n", "\n", "Most are marine plankton , but they are common in fresh water habitats as well.\n", "\n", "I WAS TOLD THERE WOULD BE A HANDBASKET\n", "\n", "Shoot for the moon. If you miss, reload and fire again. The moon must be stopped at all costs.\n", "\n", "Obama deviated from his prepared SOTU text to insert a reference to the herion epidemic. \n", "\n", "He was the first of three children born to biochemists Arthur Kornberg and his wife , Sylvy , who worked together.\n", "\n", "Boxing Day is traditionally celebrated on 26 December , St. Stephen 's Day , the day after Christmas Day.\n", "\n", "Speak (Talk) Of The Devil And He Will Appear (Is Sure To Appear)\n", "\n", "If there's one thing that makes me throw up its a dartboard on the ceiling!\n", "\n", "China warns on South China Sea as U.S., India consider patrols \n", "\n", "If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would look just as it does now.\n", "\n", "Israeli troops kill Palestinian who tried to stab soldier: army \n", "\n", "Blanc took Aurier comments 'very badly' \n", "\n", "She transferred back to James E. Taylor High School to graduate with her friends.\n", "\n", "South Park has ruined people.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Not JUST because of the way it 'punches down' in an attempt to be above the fray and as centrist as possible, but because it's weaponized being detached and uncaring to the point that even being aware of the fuckshit way we're treated makes us jokes\n", "\n", "Our Editor's Choice photos of the day: \n", "\n", "Britain's unions ready to join fight to stay in European Union, top official says \n", "\n", "Crude oil slips after Saudi, Venezuela meeting on prices yields little \n", "\n", "Yeah, like we were gonna miss @respektor’s Broadway debut. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "She’s made of magic.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DON’T MISS THIS SHOW.\n", "\n", "Militants attack near Libya's Ras Lanuf oil terminal: sources \n", "\n", "Nearly two-thirds of Czechs oppose taking in war refugees: poll \n", "\n", "Generally , only men of high economic and social status have concubines . Many historical rulers maintained concubines as well as wives.\n", "\n", "Custom Is A Second Nature\n", "\n", "No one will grant us deliverance , Not god , nor Tsar , nor hero.\n", "\n", "What do you call a bunch of high Mexicans? Baked Beans\n", "\n", "The medal is given annually to an outstanding work of illustration in children 's literature.\n", "\n", "Rupert Murdoch's engagement to Jerry Hall sparks plenty of social media snark: \n", "\n", "Soon Ripe, Soon Rotten\n", "\n", "Investigation faults U.S. Army lab's leaders over mistaken anthrax shipments \n", "\n", "Swiss say Malaysian Prime Minister Najib not accused in 1MDB probe \n", "\n", "Why do so many American kids die in school shootings? They're not allowed to run in the halls.\n", "\n", "A pirate who wants to stay healthy takes Vitamin \"Sea\".\n", "\n", "Ugandan police arrest presidential candidate on election day: opposition \n", "\n", "Nests are built each year in most species but some birds refurbish their old nests.\n", "\n", "He is best known for his epic poem Paradise Lost.\n", "\n", "The Meißen area , where Radebeul is located , is one of the northeasternmost areas where wine is grown today.\n", "\n", "Why did Mr. Grape leave Mrs. Grape? He was tired of raisin kids. \n", "\n", "It was first published in 1999.\n", "\n", "Disney World - a people trap operated by a mouse.\n", "\n", "During their short career they released two demos , one EP , and two full-length albums.\n", "\n", "The car mechanic handed the bill to the man and said,\" think of it this way, you came in with a junky car and came out with an expensive one\n", "\n", "They should not be interpreted in isolation from one another , and editors should therefore familiarize themselves with all three.\n", "\n", "How did I escape Iraq? Iran\n", "\n", "The Universe is old and evolving.\n", "\n", "It's a sad day today my best pal died of heartburn. I still can't believe Gaviscon.\n", "\n", "Kaltag has a week long Stick Dance Festival every two years that draws visitors from many neighboring villages.\n", "\n", "Better Give A Shilling Than Lend A Half-Crown\n", "\n", "Ill health and his two writing careers led him to give up competitive chess after 1851.\n", "\n", "Critics noted that the characters acted differently from the way they would in later seasons.\n", "\n", "My son announces he is going to empty the dishwasher with the same tone and tenor as if he is off to war.\n", "\n", "Wife: Would you ever pay for a hooker?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I don’t even like spending more than $10 on a haircut\n", "\n", "The worst part of censorship is ***********\n", "\n", "Afghan police suspected of aiding Taliban killed, detained by army \n", "\n", "Live Not To Eat, But Eat To Live\n", "\n", "ME: (throwing pebbles at a window) Open the window so I may gaze upon the, m’lady. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MCDONALD’S DRIVE THRU: Aren’t you the guy that asks for a medium cup full of bbq sauce.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: (tries to bow but the seatbelt chokes me)\n", "\n", "Two antennas got married. The ceremony was so-so, but the reception was fantastic.\n", "\n", "Little Things Amuse Little Minds\n", "\n", "The first white settlers , the Ruffy brothers , arrived in 1836.\n", "\n", "\"what the fuck, Carl?\"\n", "\n", "Nations aim for Afghan peace talks with Taliban by end-February \n", "\n", "What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass\n", "\n", "Another reason for the decline of Volapük may have been the rise of Esperanto . In 1887 , the first Esperanto book was published.\n", "\n", "death by song lyrics and silence\n", "\n", "The ITV comedy writers room story is the latest example of how the news frames anyone attempting inclusion. It's never framed as letting people in, which is what the policy is doing, it's always framed as keeping people out who aren't actually being kept out.\n", "\n", "Mock 'Brexit' talks paint bleak picture for Britain outside EU: \n", "\n", "Trapped between Iraq frontlines, refugees illustrate Sunni Arab predicament \n", "\n", "Give me ambiguity or give me something else.\n", "\n", "A funeral was held today for the inventor of air conditioning. Thousands of fans attended.\n", "\n", "[the director of NASA, working late, hears a clank and looks up]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Director: *sweating* I..I thought you died on Mars\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Opportunity: I'm back, bitch\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Director: We didn't design you to hold a gun\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Opportunity: You didn't design me to hold a grudge either, yet here we are\n", "\n", "Playing ’fuck, marry, kill‘ with husband. So far we’re married.\n", "\n", "Wife: I think you should stop reading comic books to our daughter.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: why?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: she just asked the dog his origin story.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: what did he say?\n", "\n", "MPs say integrity unit lacks proper funding \n", "\n", "The problem with beauty is that it's like being born rich and getting poorer.\n", "\n", "God: lions are apex predators.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Lion: what does that mean?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: you rule your domain.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Lion: like a king?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: exactly.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Lion: yay! I call king of the jungle!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: you don’t live in the jungle.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Lion: then explain the song.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: what song?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Lion: a-weema-weh a-weema-weh\n", "\n", "Math may not teach us how to add love or how to minus hate. But it gives us every reason to hope that \"every problem has a solution\".\n", "\n", "So crazy when I was young I thought a hundred dollar bill almost a magical object, worth more than I could comprehend. Now I use them every day to snort cocaine with. I am a cocaine addict.\n", "\n", "U.S. shale firms, struggling to profit with $30 oil, slash spending more \n", "\n", "Is it 'I will RUN through a camping site'? Or 'I will RAN through a camping site'? (Cos it's past tents)\n", "\n", "Wii Fit was the first game to make use of the Wii Balance Board.\n", "\n", "In this production , the Nutcracker first `` comes to life '' at the Christmas party , before Clara 's dream even begins.\n", "\n", "California lottery says it has a Powerball winner \n", "\n", "Like many eastern spices , pepper was historically both a seasoning and a medicine.\n", "\n", "Dating an American guy is the “is Pepsi ok?” of relationship types, but you have to be like “ya it’s fine” cause you need a greencard even though it’s NOT OK\n", "\n", "Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[wife walks around the house completely naked]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*\n", "\n", "When a deaf person sees me yawn, does he think I'm screaming?\n", "\n", "In the episode , Homer makes a wish for Ned Flanders 's new left-handed store to go out of business.\n", "\n", "The sautier observes the tree and notes the day of arrival of the first bud.\n", "\n", "They are slimy and are often seen at the edge of bodies of water with their eyes above the water.\n", "\n", "I've just bought some Tesco viagra. I only got a semi but every little helps!\n", "\n", "Me: I don't like it when people put chocolate sauce on hot dogs\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Twitter: I put chocolate sauce on ice cream, is that ok?\n", "\n", "[at a concert] We're gonna play a new song\r", "\r", "\r\n", " #SixWordHorrorStory\n", "\n", "Confident Trump says could 'shoot somebody' and not lose voters \n", "\n", "I had a fight with a snowman last night. He didn't last long....things got a bit heated.\n", "\n", "China's Dalian Wanda buys control of Legendary Entertainment in $3.5 billion deal \n", "\n", "Interviewer: Do you have any questions?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Yes, why are they called porn stars and not coming attractions?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Interviewer: I mean questions about the job...\n", "\n", "He was the first to initiate the company 's exports to France and Italy.\n", "\n", "A lifelong friend is someone you haven’t borrowed money from yet.\n", "\n", "[to the tune of the Hot Pockets jingle]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Mark Hoppus\n", "\n", "I wanna throw a party with fake alcohol and see how many people act wasted.\n", "\n", "In a metaphorical sense , much software also has a shelf life.\n", "\n", "He was a skater boy / she said \"see you later boy\" / he left quickly on his really cool skates\n", "\n", "France seeks 1.6 billion euros in back taxes from Google\n", "\n", "A Zen student asked his master, \"Is it OK to use email?\" \"Yes,\" replied the master, \"But no attachments.\"\n", "\n", "Don't talk the talk if you can't walk the walk\n", "\n", "I think \"Shots\" by LMFAO was paid off by doctors during flu season.\n", "\n", "New comic based on a fantastic tweet by @ShortSleeveSuit!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Check out their original tweet here and give it some love! https://twitter.com/shortsleevesuit/status/1128368225572610049?s=21 …\n", "\n", "Meryl Streep sparks uproar over 'We're all Africans' remarks \n", "\n", "Money Often Unmakes The Men Who Make It\n", "\n", "Me: what is this place\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Waiter: it’s a Lincoln assassination themed restaurant\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: that’s kinda fucked don’t you think?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Waiter:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Waiter: so do u want a John Wilkes Booth or table\n", "\n", "[buying a used car]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SALESMAN: What if I told you this vehicle is the Batmobile?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "WIFE: We're not stupid.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Hold on Karen, let him finish.\n", "\n", "I’m not always dramatic, but when I am you’ll know by the way I swish my cape.\n", "\n", "Great Boast, Small Roast\n", "\n", "There's no \"I\" in Denial.\n", "\n", "My manager just told me when she was a kid in Australia there was a monitor lizard that walked up and down the street at 3:30pm and everyone had to give it a boiled egg or it would tap angrily on the window with its foot.\n", "\n", "My grandfather was a baker for the army. When he went to war, he went in all buns glazing.\n", "\n", "I'm not old, I'm a classic.\n", "\n", "This is what the Apple CFO had to say to Reuters about its quarterly results: \n", "\n", "There are 2 ducks. One duck pulls his pants down. What does the other duck see? His but-quack.\n", "\n", "Me and @bradfordevans contacted a bunch of bodybuilders on Cameo, pretending to be a mom who needs them to scare her son so he stops eating fudge from her fudge drawer while she’s at work. these are the ones that responded\n", "\n", "Many Buller 's Albatrosses and Black-footed Albatrosses nest under trees in open forest.\n", "\n", "Turkish police seal off historic Istanbul square after blast: \n", "\n", "Recent research has shown that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy.\n", "\n", "Pentagon chief announces measures to improve quality of life for military \n", "\n", "a space cowboy implies the existence of a space horse\n", "\n", "The smugglers exploiting millions who are fleeing war and repression: \n", "\n", "He would publicly maintain that he had lost all interest in the project.\n", "\n", "Use of 'dictator law' rises in Thailand as junta's reforms falter \n", "\n", "I'm not saying you're a slag, but even your knickers label say Next..\n", "\n", "\"ladies and gentlemen\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", " unnecessarily gendered\r", "\r", "\r\n", " overly formal\r", "\r", "\r\n", " lengthy\r", "\r", "\r\n", " honestly i'm already dozing off\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"cowards\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "inclusive to all genders\r", "\r", "\r\n", "casual and fun\r", "\r", "\r\n", "short and to the point\r", "\r", "\r\n", "exciting and dynamic\n", "\n", "Hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?\n", "\n", "My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.\n", "\n", "OAS joins efforts to rescue Haiti election process as clock ticks \n", "\n", "Rwandan police kill suspected Islamic State recruiter \n", "\n", "A: Why are you crying? \r\n", "B: The elephant is dead. \r\n", "A: Was he your pet? \r\n", "B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.\n", "\n", "WWE decided not to add another superstar in his place , making that year 's Money in the Bank ladder match the first year to have seven participants.\n", "\n", "SGS denies responsibility for missing nuclear material in Iraq \n", "\n", "I’m aging like a fine wine. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "In a basement, unappreciated by men my age.\n", "\n", "It presents a full program of performances and is also open for public tours.\n", "\n", "Other lectures grew into Huxley 's most famous work Evidence as to Man 's place in Nature where he addressed the key issues long before Charles Darwin published his Descent of Man in 1871.\n", "\n", "Apple urges government to form commission on encryption issues\n", "\n", "I've no idea why my dog always goes mad whenever someone comes to the front door..It's hardly ever for him.\n", "\n", "Yellen faces tough sell on Fed rate hikes in Congress: \n", "\n", "In early 1872 came the first issue of the newspaper La Campana and Cafiero wrote for , and gave money towards the publication.\n", "\n", "Can’t sleep, too busy thinking about a rhino wearing a party hat on its horn\n", "\n", "Early photographers often depicted the nudity of women like the one we see here by Félix - Jacques Moulin.\n", "\n", "I have high standards, but low expectations.\n", "\n", "Go ''.\n", "\n", "Kalamazoo massacre renews interest in how Uber vets its drivers\n", "\n", "if you come across this tweet follow me do NOT look at my content first\n", "\n", "My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.\n", "\n", "AHAHAHAH @eyeswidebutt posted this sarcastic idiotic take and half an hour later paul joseph watson actually took this position\n", "\n", "Do special ed teachers mark late students as tardy?\n", "\n", "This creates an ideal culture for the virulent bacteria that live in its mouth.\n", "\n", "My girlfriend kept going on about how much she loves drunken holiday sex.. Worst postcard ever!\n", "\n", "Kid friendly versions -\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "The Texas Chainsaw Misunderstanding\n", "\n", "U.S. expects to give Iraq more support for Mosul fight: U.S. defense chief \n", "\n", "The young are born hairless , and helpless , and their eyes do not open until about eighteen days after birth.\n", "\n", "Why proving Zika guilty is a long and painstaking task: \n", "\n", "Freed Washington Post journalist Jason Rezaian headed home to the U.S. - statement \n", "\n", "Just went to Target and bought some feelings\n", "\n", "C. aurantifolia is a shrubby tree , to 5 m , with many thorns.\n", "\n", "She and her husband are both Jewish and married in 1984 and have two children.\n", "\n", "I had to tell my patient I'd dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery. I'll never forget the look on his elbow.\n", "\n", "No, I'm not depressed. I'm not. Really. I'm not depressed.\n", "\n", "Just got banned from BandQ, some dickhead in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking! Lucky I got the first punch in.\n", "\n", "My heart was abandoned long ago and it grew beautifully wild and free.\n", "\n", "Pentagon says U.S. sailors held by Iran had made \"navigational error\" into Iranian waters: \n", "\n", "Graham had been Reagan 's first choice.\n", "\n", "Turkish military helicopters kill 9 in strikes on PKK targets \n", "\n", "Latvia and Poland attended the Summer Olympic Games for the first time.\n", "\n", "All three major indexes turn negative after Fed announcement\n", "\n", "He went on to win the trophy the next two seasons as well.\n", "\n", "What do Trump and Sanders have in common? They're both looking for a lift in New Hampshire: \n", "\n", "I can see five years into the future. I have 2020 vision.\n", "\n", "Actors of color were shut out from Oscar Nominations for the second straight year: \n", "\n", "The state 's wine industry continued to grow as California emerged to become one of the world 's premier wine regions.\n", "\n", "I can hear opera coming from my wallet. I think it might be the 3 tenners.\n", "\n", "In 2006 , the bourse is at the first time in Berlin.\n", "\n", "I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.\n", "\n", "Red Cross halts operations in Afghan province after staff taken \n", "\n", "That awkward moment when your sentence doesn't end the way you octopus.\n", "\n", "How a pessimist counts his blessings, \"10..9..8..7..\"\n", "\n", "The Mountain Has Brought Forth A Mouse\n", "\n", "Emerging markets industry sinks into post-boom soul searching \n", "\n", "Hunger Is The Best Sauce\n", "\n", "Bulgarian prime minister brushes aside death threats \n", "\n", "\"Toy Story 4\" stars Keanu Reeves, Tom Hanks and Tim Allen, aka the world's easiest game of Fuck Marry Kill\n", "\n", "email: Once an efficient and fast method of communication and message transferring, now a way of harassing Internet users with spam,\n", "\n", "Welcome to Overthinking Club...or is it Overthinkers Club?\n", "\n", "What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bath? One has hope in her soul..\n", "\n", "Yo Mama is so fat she sat on a dollar and made four quarters.\n", "\n", "London Mayor Boris Johnson says backs British exit from EU \n", "\n", "Don't pick on fat people! They have enough on their plates.\n", "\n", "Q: What do you do when an Antartian throws a pin at you?\r\n", "A: Run, because the grenade is in her mouth!!\n", "\n", "Stupid fucking idiot and proud!!!!!\n", "\n", "Lebanese justice minister resigns, blames Hezbollah over deadlock, court case \n", "\n", "It has black fur with a distinctive beige-coloured marking across its face and upper chest.\n", "\n", "the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "kids: oh no\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: oh no\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "parents: oh no\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO\n", "\n", "You vs the guy she told you not to worry about\n", "\n", "Miriam di Nunzio of the Chicago Sun-Times praised Hutcherson and Robb 's performances , saying that `` the film 's heart and soul rests on the abilities of its young lead characters to make us really see the world through children 's eyes.\n", "\n", "More than 5,000 pregnant women in Colombia have Zika virus: government \n", "\n", "Deeply eurosceptic Britons may still vote to stay in EU: survey \n", "\n", "In New Super Mario Bros..\n", "\n", "Kurdish militants kill three Turkish security force members: army, media \n", "\n", "What do you call an invisible mom that got a sex change. Transparent\n", "\n", "U.S., allies conduct 33 strikes against Islamic State: U.S. military \n", "\n", "Spanish political parties step up talks in race to form government \n", "\n", "He has written three autobiographical books , This Life , and Life Beyond Measure - letters to my Great-Granddaughter.\n", "\n", "Ex-drug CEO Shkreli hires celebrities' lawyer for his fraud case: \n", "\n", "In this version , Oliver is a cat and Fagin 's gang is made up of dogs , one of which is Dodger.\n", "\n", "Yo Mama is so fat that smaller fat people orbit around her.\n", "\n", "Wait does Rosario know about this name? @rosariodawson did you see the cats name ?\n", "\n", "Two sausages in a frying pan. One says \"it's hot in here!\" The other says \"bugger me a talking sausage!!\"\n", "\n", "The pebbles may be made of water ice and are somewhat rounded , which may indicate the action of fluids.\n", "\n", "The two became good friends and later recorded demo tracks with others from the school.\n", "\n", "Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.\n", "\n", "EU warns UK deal 'fragile' as Paris, East seek changes:\n", "\n", "I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said \"wii\".\n", "\n", "It was done in response to Ottawa 's Clint Benedict constantly falling to make saves.\n", "\n", "Hercules knows that humans can not survive without fire , and if he does not get the Torch back all life will die.\n", "\n", "He produced two other early operas , Daphne and Florindo , in 1708.\n", "\n", "What do you call a row of boxers stood side by side? A punchline.\n", "\n", "[ undercover stake out ] \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*\n", "\n", "Greek PM Tsipras says pension reform difficult but must go ahead \n", "\n", "The older I get the more I realize that most movie villains have legitimate points, but go too far and have poor execution.\n", "\n", "Hope Shanowski was a homemaker with a husband and three children.\n", "\n", "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts for it.\n", "\n", "It has golden-brown fur and large black eyes.\n", "\n", "See the `` See also '' section below for links.\n", "\n", " He’s a paniac, paniac at the disco \r", "\r", "\r\n", "And he’s panicking like he’s never panicked before\n", "\n", "i fully intend to marry one of the people that dm’s off of this tweet so like, don’t miss your chance folks\n", "\n", "Your intelligence is my common sense.\n", "\n", "In 1933 , he shot the first Armenian sound film `` Pepo . ''\n", "\n", "FBI sets up checkpoints around Oregon refuge after one protester killed in confrontation: \n", "\n", "I slept like a baby last night.... Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.\n", "\n", "Comic Sans walks into a bar. \"Get out of here!\" shouts the barman. \"We don't serve your type.\"\n", "\n", "Marine Biologist: and then there’s the pilot whale, which is commonly mistaken for a porpoise\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Guy who thinks the word porpoise is disgusting: *starts gagging*\n", "\n", "i'm convinced billy eilish's eyelids weigh ten pounds each\n", "\n", "Threat confined to a single building at Naval Medical Centre San Diego: commanding officer\n", "\n", "Some also wear a cape or jacket , which may or may not be orange.\n", "\n", "A pessimist counting his blessings, \"10...9...8...7...6...5...\"\n", "\n", "[before the test drive]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "him: try to play it cool this time\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: no prob\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[during the test drive]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: OH MY GOD THIS IS THE CUTEST SHADE OF BLUE I’VE EVER SEEN AND LOOK IT HAS NAV AND I’VE ALWAYS WANTED A PANORAMIC MOONROOF ON MY SUV PLEASE TAKE OUR MONEY\n", "\n", "'No major alarm signals' - How investors reacted to Yellen: \n", "\n", "[bar]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DOG: Pour me a double. This day can't get any worse...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]\n", "\n", "Why can't a Tyrannosaurus Rex clap? Because they're dead.\n", "\n", "WHO declares Zika virus a global public health emergency: \n", "\n", "Trenchard is recognized today as one of the early advocates of strategic bombing.\n", "\n", "The civil protection agency head Antonio Cunha closed all schools as a precautionary measure.\n", "\n", "My wife used to be a size eight. Now she's a figure eight.\n", "\n", "Some members of the Classic Squad would eventually become part of the current LNH incarnation like Old Comics Man , Golden Man , and Kid Yesterdaze.\n", "\n", "Why was the pig in the kitchen? It was bacon.\n", "\n", "U.S. judge orders deposition of Cosby's wife kept under seal \n", "\n", "Yo Mama is so fat, her nickname is \"DAMN!\"\n", "\n", "RWE npower says to reduce UK household gas prices by 5.2 percent \n", "\n", "There are 3 kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can't.\n", "\n", "RESPECT to all the females that follow me... Ya’ll know you’re special \n", "\n", "U.S. House backs broader N.Korea sanctions; South Korea calls on China \n", "\n", "What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas? COOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!\n", "\n", "show don’t tell\n", "\n", "Dear humanity,\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "What the fuck is wrong with you.\n", "\n", "A Threatened Blow Is Seldom Given\n", "\n", "If I get a kidney transplant from someone who dies and goes to hell, but the kidney was inside me (a good boy) long enough, does the kidney go to heaven when I die? Just a big meat bean floating in the clouds with wings and a halo?\n", "\n", "Tech executives to huddle with government on jihadi Internet use \n", "\n", "Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any children? Because every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel.\n", "\n", "The water should be bottled water , soft tap water with very little fluoride , or even water from a filtered , established aquarium.\n", "\n", "I went to the store to buy 6 cans of Sprite. Got to check-out and realized I picked 7up\n", "\n", "I lost 120,000 followers because I deactivated my account for 24 hours. So that’s good... #twat\n", "\n", "Girl: cute dog. What's his name?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, trying to read his name tag: uh...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Kid in the distance, crying: SAM! SAM?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Sam, his name is Sam\n", "\n", "I just gave my girlfriend a ring and proposed....that we break up. Then I put the phone down on her.\n", "\n", "Why was the mentally challenged midget crying? He was a little down.\n", "\n", "California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.\n", "\n", "Senate panel approves measure to broaden North Korea sanctions \n", "\n", "How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change\n", "\n", "Iraqi PM discourages Kurdish independence referendum \n", "\n", "The Eurasian Wolf , also known as the Common Wolf , European Wolf and Carpathian Wolf is a subspecies of the Grey Wolf.\n", "\n", "What do they call Peter Pan in China? Peter Wok\n", "\n", "I think men would be extinct if women didn't have chocolate available.\n", "\n", "Oil falls on China economic woes, rising OPEC supply \n", "\n", "[making a new friend]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: wanna hang out sometime \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: holy crap this is going too fast can you dial it back a little\n", "\n", "Muck And Money Go Together\n", "\n", "It is common practice in large stores to throw away such food , as it makes the stock control process easier.\n", "\n", "Support in Russia for Syria strikes slips, but 59 percent still in favor \n", "\n", "I made a shirt out of thumb tacks because I wanted to look sharp, but everyone said it was tacky.\n", "\n", "[I wake up in a world where The Beatles never existed]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Check out this song I just wrote\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[I begin playing “Ob La Di Ob La Da” without having first built up years of goodwill]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Crowd of people: Wow, this sucks ass\n", "\n", "I don't want to sound big headed but I wear a size XXL hat.\n", "\n", "What ended in 1887? 1886.\n", "\n", "Enjoyed the wii-kend. Have I even blinked?\n", "\n", "These bishops did not travel alone ; each one had permission to bring with him two priests and three deacons ; so the total number of attendees could have been above 1800.\n", "\n", "Eamonn actually asks for the hand of Liadan , she says that she will give him an answer in one year.\n", "\n", "FTSE falls as financials falter, Morrisons gains on deal: \n", "\n", "In May 2005 BookCrossing.com won two People 's Voice awards in the Webby Awards for best community website and best social/networking website.\n", "\n", "How does a black woman know she's pregnant? When she pulls out her tampon the cotton's been picked.\n", "\n", "Obama calls for rapid Zika research as virus seen spreading:\n", "\n", "I don't think the person who repeatedly tried to pressure his 3 decades younger co-star into sleeping with him, publicly shame her on set when she refused to and insist the director add unnecessary sex scenes between us should be flapping his gums about feminism.\n", "\n", "the weirdest most unnecessary flex i've ever witnessed was me telling my 6th grade teacher that i was paid to be the moderator of an Animal Crossing forum. she didn't know what i meant and also i was lying\n", "\n", "I don't see the point of playing in a band and going just one way when you can do everything.\n", "\n", "The promoter sees new cash flows as investors are told they could not transfer money from the first plan to the second.\n", "\n", "Be Slow To Promise And Quick To Perform\n", "\n", "Who wants to be my best friend? All you need is your own swimming pool.\n", "\n", "British military rapped over deaths of three soldiers on exercise \n", "\n", "France's Sarkozy placed under investigation in campaign funding probe - prosecutor \n", "\n", "It hit Long Island , New York on September 23 , causing damage and destruction throughout New England.\n", "\n", "So hard to choose\r", "\r", "\r\n", "So hard to see.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "yells the old Hat\r", "\r", "\r\n", "when he sorts Harry.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Not to Slytherin\r", "\r", "\r\n", "no He won’t go.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "In Gryffindor’s house \r", "\r", "\r\n", "he will grow.\n", "\n", "In newly declassified letter, bin Laden asks his father for forgiveness: \n", "\n", "At the time , this was one of the few examples of state-supported schooling.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a car accident? He's alright.\n", "\n", "There are things in life I never needed to know. Amazon selling coffins would be one of them.\n", "\n", "What did Earth say to the other planets? Wow, you guys have no life.\n", "\n", "I’m probably not the best person to ask for validation on your foot tattoo.\n", "\n", "I started an emo salsa band. We're called Hispanic at the Disco\n", "\n", "In addition , many home Hi-Fi and car stereo head units are now equipped with a USB port.\n", "\n", "A man took an airline to court after his luggage went missing. Unfortunately he lost his case.\n", "\n", "British mother convicted of joining ISIS in Syria with young child \n", "\n", "Two pairs of finger-like appendages are found around the mouth in most beetles , serving to move food into the mouth.\n", "\n", "I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.\n", "\n", "You hear about the two guys that stole a calendar? They each got six months.\n", "\n", "Ten wounded, including opposition politicians, in southeast Turkey shooting \n", "\n", "China jails former party chief of Xinjiang's capital for graft \n", "\n", "Unease stirs as Myanmar's Suu Kyi reaches out to former foes \n", "\n", "Bulgaria government defeats no-confidence vote in parliament \n", "\n", "Vietnam's progressive PM not nominated for party leadership \n", "\n", "To Roll In Money\n", "\n", "Out of all the presents my husband received this Father’s Day, my 4-year-old’s 3 hour nap was the most heartfelt.\n", "\n", "While the Countess and Cherubino are waiting for Susanna to come back , they suddenly hear the Count arriving.\n", "\n", "My wife says she enjoys sex more whilst on holiday. Well, I can tell you, that was an awkward postcard to receive.\n", "\n", "In his entire life , he never traveled more than a hundred miles from Königsberg.\n", "\n", "Two of five suspects in Brooklyn playground rape turned themselves in: \n", "\n", "Build a man a fire, keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life.\n", "\n", "My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.\n", "\n", "forgot i had this idea and now it’s messing me up\n", "\n", "FBI and Apple to testify at a March 1 congressional hearing on encryption issues\n", "\n", "Russian PM says military won't stay in Syria for ever \n", "\n", "To be frank..would involve changing my name.\n", "\n", "What do you call a man with no arms or legs lying by front of the door? Matt\n", "\n", "ME: I have good news & bad news\r", "\r", "\r\n", "WIFE: Bad news first\r", "\r", "\r\n", "M: The penguin pooped in the tub\r", "\r", "\r\n", "W: We don't own a-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "M: *smiling* And now the good news\n", "\n", "[first day as a tampon designer]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Boss:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Boss: What kind of work did you do before?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.\n", "\n", "do yourself a flavor and follow FLEX SEAL\n", "\n", "In the south lies the desert through which Alexander the Great passed with great difficulty.\n", "\n", "Good morning to everyone except, & I can’t stress this enough, people who don’t immediately point out dogs the second they see them\n", "\n", "China stocks end at more than year low \n", "\n", "I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my living room. I wanted to make it look more classy.\n", "\n", "He was one of Disney 's Nine Old Men , and the last to die.\n", "\n", "The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.\n", "\n", "My internet bride got delivered today. She's the WiFi always dreamed of.\n", "\n", "Two years later the go-ahead was given for a new housing development to take part on the site , consisting of 474 homes.\n", "\n", "Shkreli laughs off questions from lawmakers, calls them 'imbeciles' on Twitter: \n", "\n", "Silt is easily transported in water or other liquids and is fine enough to be carried long distances by air as ` dust '.\n", "\n", "There are many styles of hula.\n", "\n", "Because so much biodiversity was lost , the recovery of life on earth took significantly longer than after other extinction events.\n", "\n", "It watches hosts and services , alerting users when things go wrong and again when they get better.\n", "\n", "Children 's Literature wrote , `` This fast-paced story is full of adventure and humor.\n", "\n", "Like Priest, Like People\n", "\n", "Ukraine's Poroshenko sees increased risk of open war with Russia \n", "\n", "U.N. announces start of Syria peace talks as government troops advance: \n", "\n", "In reference to Acts 20:7 , they believe that the disciples came together on the first day of the week to break bread and to hear the preaching of the apostle Paul.\n", "\n", "South Africa's Zuma defeats no-confidence vote over economy \n", "\n", "I was gonna tell a joke about pizza, but it's too cheesy.\n", "\n", "For now everything is factored through http://www.undemocracy.com\n", "\n", "[date]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: So do you like Star Wars?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Oh yeah\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: Who's your favorite character?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga\n", "\n", "you didn't choose where you were born. you didn't choose your family or what happened to you growing up. you didn't choose your biological disposition or skills or flaws. you didn't choose most of what makes you, you. allow that to help you empathize with others\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Steak-umm bless\n", "\n", "My goth son Wesley pissed on my cat puzzle\n", "\n", "I would like to remind everyone that liking your own tweet with an alt account is still liking your own tweet which is still e-masturbation which is still a sin.\n", "\n", "[bagging groceries for a cute girl] I've quadruple bagged the bananas, don't want these sensitive boys getting bruised xD hahaha. Have a day as beautiful as yourself ok? [turning to next customer in line who is a guy] Fuck You\n", "\n", "See for usage instructions.\n", "\n", "Press Alt + F4 to finish the joke..\n", "\n", "you guys ever heard a coyote howl in the woods? sounds exactly like a human child lol. it’s 11 pm and you hear a 10 year old girl screaming in the woods and you’re like “mom we gotta go save her” and your mom’s like “it’s just the coyotes” lol shits crazy\n", "\n", "yes, there are five stages of grief, but if you press up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-A-B-start, you get access to the hidden levels\n", "\n", "Rocket hits Medecins Sans Frontieres clinic in Yemen, killing three: MSF \n", "\n", "The last passenger service was on May 28 , 1977.\n", "\n", "Its key signature has three sharps.\n", "\n", "'hi, i'm kurt eichenwald. when i'm not jerking off to tentacle porn or voting for Bush, i like to tweet about how people who want medicare for all are actual Nazis and were responsible for the holocaust. i am a very serious person and please never laugh at me.'\n", "\n", "Michigan restores some powers to Flint mayor amid water crisis \n", "\n", "Katonah , New York is one of three unincorporated hamlets within the town of Bedford , Westchester County.\n", "\n", "In June 1974 , Lennon and Pang returned to live in New York City.\n", "\n", "This was first pointed out by Ernst Kummer in 1843 , in his work on Fermat 's Last Theorem.\n", "\n", "Anyways, I was fired, and they made a drama out of it. I read it, and wrote a ten page memo about what I thought was wrong, and why. Later (after I'd been rehired), Barry Sonnenfeld said to me: \"That memo? That memo is what got you MORE fired.\"\n", "\n", "I didn't realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo. That's still a very low number of rodeos.\n", "\n", "The western half of the range lies in Ventura County , and the eastern half of the range lies in Los Angeles County.\n", "\n", "Russian air force continues pounding 'terrorists' in Syria: agencies \n", "\n", "If you are an American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? European\n", "\n", "He was raised on one of the local farms and went by the name Dent Young in his early years.\n", "\n", "There are only 3 things that tell the truth: 1 - Young Children 2 - Drunks 3 - Leggings\n", "\n", "Two days later , on Christmas Day 800 , Leo crowned Charlemagne as Roman emperor.\n", "\n", "What did the aspiring Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? \"Make me one with everything.\"\n", "\n", "Incredible, truly\n", "\n", "When can women make you a millionaire? When you're a billionaire.\n", "\n", "Texts, Internet, social networks are 'gift of God' if used wisely: Pope Francis \n", "\n", "date: I like guys who are impulsive\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *quickly circumcising myself* Well then—\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "date: but also still have their foreskin\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *desperately trying to tape it back on* I need a minute here\n", "\n", "ICE CHECKPOINT\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "At the intersection of Vineland and Sherman Way up to Tujunga and Sherman Way. Alert who you need to.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Please be safe out there, friends.\n", "\n", "Wild Saturday night plans? Well, I’m glad you asked. I want to go out and stay up late with my friends, but I also want to sleep for 10 hours. So what I’m going to do instead is stay up late, completely alone, and make sure that none of my competing priorities win. You???\n", "\n", "After his death , the Canadiens retired his jersey number , the first time the team had done so for any player.\n", "\n", "Them: don't take candy from strangers.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *scoffing* like my dad would ever mail me candy.\n", "\n", "My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension. She said she just couldn't take it any longer.\n", "\n", "Beauty Is But Skin-Deep\n", "\n", "Just saw a politician trying to save both faces.\n", "\n", "I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.\n", "\n", "\"How To Keep Fit\" By Jim Nastics\n", "\n", "What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? Wet feet.\n", "\n", "It contains 14 new tracks written by Brian May , Paul Rodgers and Roger Taylor.\n", "\n", "WIFE: He treats our marriage like it's a talk show\r", "\r", "\r\n", "THERAPIST: Is this true?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *turns and winks at camera* We'll find out after the break\n", "\n", "Every sentence must contain formal words to designate what Husserl calls `` formal categories ''.\n", "\n", "Larissa lies on the river Pineios.\n", "\n", "How do you stop a bull from charging? Take away his credit card.\n", "\n", "If I were an alcoholic beverage I'd be a Long Island Iced Tea. I'm cheap and you get a lot of bang for your buck.\n", "\n", "me: can you just give it to me straight doc\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "doctor: [nodding] i can sir\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [crying] do i at least get a guide dog\n", "\n", "Twitter users decry reported plan to prioritize tweets \n", "\n", "genie: i shall grant you three wishes\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i wish my cat could talk\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "genie: done\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: he's not saying anything\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cat: [stalking off] i have nothing to say to the likes of 𝘺𝘰𝘶\n", "\n", "When I get mad I count down from ten out loud. I was arrested, the cops mistook me for a bomb.\n", "\n", "Main: what a guys number one girl is. He fails to tell her about the others.\n", "\n", "Watching MiB 4 was surreal - like going to meet, for the very first time, an adult child you apparently fathered but didn't raise, or even know about. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "(Like getting a call from 23 & Me: \"Hey, remember in college when you paid for weed that time by donating to that sperm bank?\")\n", "\n", "London's new rail line to be named after Queen Elizabeth \n", "\n", "Man facing N.J. terrorism charges cited Islamic State: prosecutors \n", "\n", "His answer comes from evolutionary biology.\n", "\n", "More like REpulsive need AM I RIGHT am I right am I right am I right am I right am I right am I right am I right am I right am\n", "\n", "Heart failure can affect the entire heart or only the right or left side.\n", "\n", "Finland, Norway bridle at migrant flows from Russia \n", "\n", "Their first true bookstore was set up by his son , William , in partnership with G. Clifford Noble , in 1917 in New York City.\n", "\n", "Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.\n", "\n", "Syria government has duty to allow convoys, 'tomorrow we test this' - de Mistura \n", "\n", "'Plane wreckage' found in Thailand fuels talk of missing Malaysian jet \n", "\n", "A Wolf In Sheep's Clothing\n", "\n", "LOL=lacking of literacy\n", "\n", "Biden says he's not surprised Sanders ties Clinton in Iowa, NH, polls \n", "\n", "If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body\n", "\n", "I just ordered a chicken and an egg off Amazon. I'll let you know...\n", "\n", "Time And Tide Wait For No Man\n", "\n", "North Korea says tested hydrogen nuclear device \n", "\n", "Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.\n", "\n", "Efforts to revive Afghan peace talks continue in Pakistan \n", "\n", "After another Tribal Council , things got worse for Ulong as they got lost in the dark on their way back to camp.\n", "\n", "Why don't dinosaurs talk? Because they're dead.\n", "\n", "Black tea has a longer shelf life than green tea.\n", "\n", "The Migration Machine: Enter the world of people-smuggling\n", "\n", "Antennae may be , or.\n", "\n", "A Danger Foreseen Is Half Avoided\n", "\n", "Cameron in Brussels, facing decision time on EU deal \n", "\n", "The first movement , called Introduzione by Bartók , is a slow introduction of Night music type that gives way to an allegro with numerous fugato passages.\n", "\n", "On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says \"By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.\" You look down. It's true.\n", "\n", "To Call A Spade A Spade\n", "\n", "I have a pet peeve about hearing other's pet peeves.\n", "\n", "{Prison Diary Day 7}\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar\n", "\n", "BOJ stuns markets with negative interest rate surprise \n", "\n", "I didnt lose, I just ran out of time to win.\n", "\n", "During the summer practice sessions , the teams in question would cut the players well after signing day thus preventing the cut players from finding new colleges to play for.\n", "\n", "Him: Do you like sports?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Um, I guess? You can't really eat soup with them so they're still mostly fork but I like how scoopy they are\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: SporTs, with a t\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Oh fuck no\n", "\n", "Why did the Mexican girl get pregnant? Her teacher told her to go home and do an essay\n", "\n", "Blue Lodge , one of the houses , was once the home of Anna Sewell , author of Black Beauty.\n", "\n", "In this form it is best used in stir fry noodle dishes without hot spices.\n", "\n", "I have a very open mind, people tell me they can feel a breeze when they sit next to me.\n", "\n", "Britons expect Cameron to get poor EU deal: poll \n", "\n", "On the other hand , it doesn't allow one to set how many digits must be shown after the decimal dot.\n", "\n", "only got to second base cause i had a boner and told my date i was dwayne johnson hard smh\n", "\n", "Islamic State says two of the assailants in recent Paris attacks are from Iraq: \n", "\n", "New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin stepping down: \n", "\n", "[during a plague epidemic]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i need to be quarantined \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "doctor: do you have symptoms?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: no i just hate other people\n", "\n", "My wife is such a looker..She's brilliant at hide and seek!\n", "\n", "Let’s hop in the sporty rickshaw and tase each other until we can smell our ancestors\n", "\n", "India is home to two major linguistic families : Indo-Aryan and Dravidian.\n", "\n", "EpiPen is short for Epic Penis\n", "\n", "HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HAN: why do you need a business loan\n", "\n", "Trump likes to sleep in his own bed -- but it may cost him votes: \n", "\n", "All Truths Are Not To Be Told\n", "\n", "Malaysia blocks access to news portal for violating media law \n", "\n", "China is to lay off five to six million workers. Find out more: \n", "\n", "It's not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face\n", "\n", "The North Sea lies to the east.\n", "\n", "See the for instructions and discussions.\n", "\n", "“Great day in the morning!” is an idiomatic expression of surprise that’s especially charming the way I say it. This is not a surprise.\n", "\n", "current mood\n", "\n", "Poland, courting NATO, plans to boost Middle East military involvement \n", "\n", "Redstone seen resigning as Viacom chair after stepping down at CBS \n", "\n", "What did one stoplight say to the other stoplight? Don't look! I'm changing!\n", "\n", "Take Us As You Find Us\n", "\n", "\"Do you like to swim?\" I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.\n", "\n", "In the heat, in the dark, body pressed against body, flesh against flesh, the fear, the adrenalin, the anticipation, the excitement and above all the absolute necessity not to burst out laughing. No wonder men fell in love inside the Trojan Horse.\n", "\n", "Car bomb attack on military in Turkish capital kills 28\n", "\n", "If You Want A Thing Well Done, Do It Yourself\n", "\n", "The boys make friends.\n", "\n", "Me: I'll have a venti frappuccino with cream and extra steak sauce please\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Barista: I can't make that\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: then find me someone who can\n", "\n", "Woman in hiding tells why she blew whistle on Paris attacker \n", "\n", "Interviewer: What position do you see yourself in the next 5 years?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My Brain: Don’t say fetal...don’t say fetal\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Standing tall with good posture.\n", "\n", "Xinjiang steel collapse casts shadow over China's western ambitions \n", "\n", "Your tongue weighs practically nothing. So why can't you hold it?\n", "\n", "What people don't realize: Those people who think paying $60 for a video game is a waste just bought themselves a $300 pair of shoes.\n", "\n", "This annoying guy on the bus wouldn't stop asking questions about how the journey would end. So I told him where to get off.\n", "\n", "Recent Sperm Bank Review: \"I love coming here\"\n", "\n", "Monster winter storm bears down on Washington D.C. area\n", "\n", "[my funeral service] \r", "\r", "\r\n", "my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i'd like to apologise to everyone here once again\n", "\n", "Weismann 's work on the demarkation between germ-line and soma can scarcely be appreciated without considering the work of German biologists during the second half of the 19th century.\n", "\n", "It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's hilarious.\n", "\n", "Apple to FBI: No backdoors - \n", "\n", "Man Caves are OUT! Genderless Crying Dens are IN!\n", "\n", "Central African Republic president aide says focus now on peace \n", "\n", "U.N. chief Ban Ki-moon says Israel and Palestine must read the writing on the wall. More: \n", "\n", "Script now by Chris Matheson & Ed Solomon & Matt Lee.\n", "\n", "“Over your dead body” isn’t a threat, it’s more like an invitation.\n", "\n", "I met a girl in town who told me she'd show me a good time. Then she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.\n", "\n", "Martha and George Washington had no children together , but they raised Martha 's two surviving children.\n", "\n", "House passes bill again to restrict Obama lifting Iran sanctions \n", "\n", "He became the first Prime Minister of Pakistan to complete a full term in office.\n", "\n", "Pakistani university reopens after attack; teachers allowed guns \n", "\n", "What is the same size and shape as an elephant yet weighs nothing? An elephants shadow.\n", "\n", "Solid support for Apple in iPhone encryption fight\n", "\n", "The New Orleans Hornets is a professional basketball team based in New Orleans , Louisiana.\n", "\n", "No winner of record $900 million Powerball jackpot, next draw on Wednesday \n", "\n", "Nothing Comes Out Of The Sack But What Was In It\n", "\n", "Emotional intelligence sounds a lot like an oxymoron to me\n", "\n", "you, a dummy: and that’s what math is\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me, an intellectual: doesn’t really make any sense though\n", "\n", "HSBC loses appeal in French tax fraud investigation - sources \n", "\n", "i have been trying to get downstairs for hours...\n", "\n", "[first day at work]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: who are you\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "older woman: i’m your boss, baby\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *disappointed* well you don’t look like boss baby\n", "\n", "Italian killed in Egypt was interrogated for days: forensics expert \n", "\n", "The Irvine Company 's Valencia operation later split from the company and became Sunkist.\n", "\n", "dr pepper killed my wife\n", "\n", "Born and raised in Vienna , he began writing at an early age.\n", "\n" ] }, { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”\n", "\n", "Belgium detains two suspects in Paris attacks probe: \n", "\n", "Squirrels get drunk on nuts that ferment when they bury them in the ground & are also, observably, idiots & I have never identified more with any animal.\n", "\n", "Hahaha: Used when \"haha\" just isn't funny enough.\n", "\n", "What if oxygen lowers your voice and helium brings it back to normal?\n", "\n", "\"That's one small step for man. That's one open fridge for man. That's one good sandwich for-\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"Neil! Stop.\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET\"\n", "\n", "Ive gotten word that certain people on here are \"Doing it for the clicks\" . Rest assured that i will never do it for the clicks\n", "\n", "As sea levels rise, economic damage piles up even faster - study - \n", "\n", "I was walking through an arts and crafts shop, when I saw a sign saying \"Glue Sticks.\". I thought, \"No shit.\"\n", "\n", "It dissolves in water to give intense purple solutions , the evaporation of which gives prismatic purplish-black glistening crystals.\n", "\n", "One way to think about mental health is by looking at how effectively and successfully a person functions.\n", "\n", "A glory hole but for someone to tell me that they're proud of me\n", "\n", "Why does Michael J Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he uses the highest quality ingredients.\n", "\n", "20 seconds left on the microwave! Women: Set the table, pour the wine, tweet, check Facebook. Men: Start a NASA rocket launch countdown.\n", "\n", "Never Do Things By Halves\n", "\n", "Heating table beds is an old practice.\n", "\n", "Dissidents fearful as Thailand, once a haven, favors China \n", "\n", "Took a dip in the pool. Lifeguard said 'What you got there?' I said 'hummus'\n", "\n", "It was one of the first animated Disney films to introduce new sound effects for regular use , to replace many of their original classic sounds , which would be used occasionally in later Disney movies.\n", "\n", "Never forget that you take full responsibility for any action performed using Twinkle.\n", "\n", "goodnight god bless @NBAonTNT\n", "\n", "When we were kids, we couldn't afford toys, holidays or even school uniforms..So our parents paid for them.\n", "\n", "I just bought some expensive venison. It's dead deer.\n", "\n", "What do thieves get for stealing calendars? 12 months\n", "\n", "I went up to the manager in Argos today and I said, \"I want to buy a watch.\"\"Analogue?\" he said. I said, \"No mate, just a watch.\"\n", "\n", "It me.\n", "\n", "George Harri: here comes the son\r", "\r", "\r\n", "George Harrison: \n", "\n", "Diseases Are The Interests Of Pleasures\n", "\n", "Adams has been awarded three honors.\n", "\n", "A Man Can Die But Once\n", "\n", "eating an edible for dinner. might wash it down with a glass of drinkable. after that? a little breathable might be nice but i’m not greedy\n", "\n", "In 2003 , the poetry award was granted for the first time.\n", "\n", "LA-area residents implore officials to approve plan to mitigate gas leak \n", "\n", "Facts I def fuck better when I’m high\n", "\n", "Greece threatened with expulsion from Schengen over migration crisis: \n", "\n", "Bought the missus a vibrator for her birthday. She's done nothing but moan ever since.\n", "\n", "me: [wearing a belly shirt in greece] acroptopolis\n", "\n", "What did the DJ order from the deli? A club sandwich with extra beets.\n", "\n", "Turkey's Erdogan threatened to flood Europe with migrants: Greek website \n", "\n", "U.S. and Russia announce plans for ceasefire in Syria that would take effect on Saturday\n", "\n", "My smart phone doesnt work. I push home and I'm still at work.\n", "\n", "Today I looked at my wife and thought: This is the only investment which has doubled in my lifetime.\n", "\n", "New coalition commander inherits raging war in Afghanistan \n", "\n", "Throughout his tours , Basie met many great jazz musicians , including Louis Armstrong.\n", "\n", "i’m about to go to olive garden for the first time anyone have any tips\n", "\n", "FUN FACT:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "0% of murder gifs have ended in actual murder\n", "\n", "[a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it\n", "\n", "Locked in tight duel in Iowa, Trump stresses need to win state \n", "\n", "LA comedian: Everyone here is too hot\r", "\r", "\r\n", "NY comedian: everyone here dresses too nice\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Sam in Chicago: Every single day I see a man wearing the biggest pair of brown pants I have ever seen\n", "\n", "From Bad To Worse\n", "\n", "What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa kept it down to three hos.\n", "\n", "[extreme Backstreet Boys voice]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " Am I delusional ?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MY FRIENDS BACKGROUND SINGING: Yeah, Yeah\n", "\n", "What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches? On one hand, you have a watch, but on the other hand, you have a watch.\n", "\n", "Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with \"When I was little?\"\n", "\n", "I stood up and the button on my shirt fell off, I grabbed my bag and the handle broke off, and now I'm really afraid to go to the bathroom.\n", "\n", "Drought tests a changed Ethiopia \n", "\n", "Husband: Give me one example.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: ALL the times.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Husband: Those don't count.\n", "\n", "A joint is the location at which two or more bones make contact.\n", "\n", "We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.\n", "\n", "Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxi cabs or cutting hair.\n", "\n", "me: *throws jacket on puddle*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "date: tha—\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: stupid ass jacket\n", "\n", "I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once.\n", "\n", "to be a donor, contact samantha (Live Donor Coordinator/ KU Medical Center for Transplantation) at 913-588-5049, include becoming a live donor for layne moore in your message along with your name & bday and if you aren't a match, they can still match you to someone else in need\n", "\n", "Twitter fame is not real\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Twitter fame is not real\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Twitter fame is not real\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Twitter fame is not real\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Twitter fame is not real\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Twitter fame is not real\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Twitter fame is not real\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Twitter fame is not re\n", "\n", "This day in history. 1964. The US Supreme Court ruled that Henry Miller's book Tropic of Cancer \"cannot be banned for fuck's sake.\"\n", "\n", "[shot of me lying on the floor, thinking the world would certainly be a better place without me, then bravely getting up to eat two slices of cold ham before lying back down]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "David Attenborough: Stunning. The will to survive against all odds is truely remarkable\n", "\n", "If You Dance You Must Pay The Fiddler\n", "\n", "The eastern half of the state lies in the rain shadow of the Wasatch Mountains.\n", "\n", "We've been trying to think of some vegetable jokes. If you can think of any, lettuce know.\n", "\n", "Oil prices fall as OPEC squabbles over output targets, crude stocks swell \n", "\n", "The Leopard Cannot Change Its Spots\n", "\n", "It is about long and wide.\n", "\n", "Turkish army kills 14 Kurdish militants, one security officer dead \n", "\n", "In the North-East of Sherwan Union Council there is another Place called Patheel.\n", "\n", "Bus fare protest in Brazil's biggest city turns violent \n", "\n", "U.S. presidential candidate Kasich surprises on Google Trends \n", "\n", "I don’t know who needs to hear this but my superpower is using format tweets and it shows\n", "\n", "Every Man Is The Architect Of His Own Fortunes\n", "\n", "How does Steven Hawking recover from a hangover? He presses F5.\n", "\n", "Guilt: a blanket of your own regrets.\n", "\n", "Iraq's water minister judges only tiny danger of Mosul dam collapse \n", "\n", "Why can't a bicycle stand on it's own? Cos it's two tired.\n", "\n", "ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda\n", "\n", "[after sex]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Her: so umm... I'm in love with you\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: hi in love with you, I'm dad\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Both [in unison]: OH NO\n", "\n", "If you're arrested on April Fool's Day, they should give you more than one phone call.\n", "\n", "I rang the council today to ask if I could have a skip outside my house? The bloke said \"You can cartwheel around the block for all I care\".\n", "\n", "They can live for as long as five years.\n", "\n", "Applied in this way , it may be a fallacy , a false dichotomy.\n", "\n", "The last Mamodo standing without their book burnt is the new Mamodo king.\n", "\n", "Many passes are closed in winter.\n", "\n", "Bieber, Sheeran win first Grammys, Kendrick Lamar leads early winners \n", "\n", "A policeman asked me to come down to the station for an interview...I haven't even applied for a job there!\n", "\n", "Why shouldn't you shake hands with Tigger? Because he plays with Pooh.\n", "\n", "Knock, Knock. Who's there? Francis. Francis who? Francis next to Germany.\n", "\n", "Sudanese migrant stabs Israeli soldier, is shot dead: police \n", "\n", "My brother got hit by a bus and had both of his legs amputated. Now he's my Half-Brother.\n", "\n", "This is a regional school district that incorporates two or more towns into one school department with one high school and middle school.\n", "\n", "Sweden was , between 1611 and 1718 , one of the great powers of Europe.\n", "\n", "Colin Powell , a long time advocate , has recommended a simple moment of silence at the start of each school day.\n", "\n", "mugger: your money or your life\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: oh you pick\n", "\n", "Oil bears closing of $600 million triple-short fund bet seen adding to tumult \n", "\n", "save a cowboy, fuck a horse no wait I messed it up\n", "\n", "I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who's mad at me for saying that.\n", "\n", "I had to shut down my lesbian poultry dating agency. I was struggling to make hens meet.\n", "\n", "I enjoy those lovely, peaceful lulls in your workday where you have a chance to just stop and think about your life and then plummet quickly into depression and then find a room with a door that closes and then cry for a while before your next obligation\n", "\n", "The language 's basic sound , along with a few words , was first devised by actor James Doohan for.\n", "\n", "However , he was actually on a CBS sound stage in Hollywood that was made up to look like the site.\n", "\n", "As Welcome As Flowers In May\n", "\n", "I heard women love a man in uniform, so I got a job working at McDonalds.\n", "\n", "New health study on the psychology of midgets shows that 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy\n", "\n", " A look at North Korea's sports diplomacy. \n", "\n", "Quake strikes northeast India, Bangladesh; 11 dead, nearly 200 hurt: \n", "\n", "She set a new world record of 72.24 points in the short program of the competition with a clean performance.\n", "\n", "They're literally concentration camps\n", "\n", "An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.\n", "\n", "Two muffins are in an oven. One of 'em says, \"Wow, it's really hot in here.\" The other one says \"Holy shit, a talking muffin!\"\n", "\n", "I think...therefore, I'm single.\n", "\n", "baby apple: mom, i don't feel so good :(\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "mom apple: I think you have the flu\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[at the doctor's office]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "doctor: ok so where's my patient *looking up from clipboard* OH NO :'(\n", "\n", "What do you call it when a DJ gets a blowjob while he's on the air? Radiohead\n", "\n", "Envy Shoots At Others And Wounds Herself\n", "\n", "I'm very good at remembering random facts. For example, there are 3,500 different types of lice. And that's just off the top of my head.\n", "\n", "What do those colorful French expressions mean?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "c'est la vie it's alive\r", "\r", "\r\n", "raison d’être raisin of death (every raisin)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cul-de-sac cool sack! (genital compliment)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "gendarme arm gender\r", "\r", "\r\n", "apropos hi, popo! (\"hello, officer\")\n", "\n", "Sticks and stones may break my bones..I should probably drink more milk.\n", "\n", "To Come Off With A Whole Skin\n", "\n", "What do you suppose gives Stephen King nightmares?\n", "\n", "Idleness Is The Mother Of All Evil\n", "\n", "GM ignition-switch plaintiff retains criminal attorney mid-trial \n", "\n", "Chris won the last two immunity challenges , and ultimately took Twila with him into the final two.\n", "\n", "Budíkov was first documented in 1226.\n", "\n", "German conservatives address concerns about migrants as support wanes \n", "\n", "I couldn't decide wether or not to sell my bed. So I slept on it.\n", "\n", "The latter , Ingo Heinrich , who was responsible for the mortal shot in the heart , was at first sentenced to three and a half years of jail.\n", "\n", "These additions may be new and untested.\n", "\n", "A Lazy Sheep Thinks Its Wool Heavy\n", "\n", "Ugandans brace for Musenveni life presidency bid \n", "\n", "My boss has just warned me that he has received complaints I'm a pervert. To be honest, I don't understand why, as I'm always hard at work\n", "\n", "I just drove my car to a 4x4 specialist..It turns out the answer is 16.\n", "\n", "Former U.N. war court convict arrested in Bosnia on fresh war crimes charges \n", "\n", "Like A Cat On Hot Bricks\n", "\n", "Palestinian teen shot dead after trying to stab Israeli guard: police \n", "\n", " Cook County Jail in Chicago on lockdown after 18 percent of guard shift absent: local media\n", "\n", "Its first release was Arachnophobia.\n", "\n", "Turkey must cut migrant flows to Europe, top EU official says \n", "\n", "Iran releases four Iranian-U.S. dual nationals in prisoner swap \n", "\n", "He silences her by throwing his wig over her face , then falls asleep.\n", "\n", "He Cannot Speak Well That Cannot Hold His Tongue\n", "\n", "me: *tweets something kinda clever that i edited like 79 times*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "followers: pass\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "followers:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "followers:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: the moon\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "followers: dustin you've done it again my boy\n", "\n", "My apathy is at an all time whatever.\n", "\n", "Herne Hill station would be on a large reversing loop with one platform.\n", "\n", "The disease can last initially from 10-20 days and can rebreak when the dog is put into a stressful situation which puts stress on the dog 's immune system.\n", "\n", "putting cool gothic steeples everywhere was my trademark as an architect and i'll be damned if i change that now that i'm a plastic surgeon\n", "\n", "See also triple spiral.\n", "\n", "My answering machine: Roses are red, some willows weep, please leave your message, after the beep.\n", "\n", "European Parliament calls for Saudi arms embargo \n", "\n", "‘words cannot describe’ is the worst thing you can say about words\n", "\n", "Better The Devil You Know Than The Devil You Don't\n", "\n", "Did Brazil, global health agencies fumble Zika response? \n", "\n", "Probe into German train crash is focusing on human error by signals controller - source involved in investigation.\n", "\n", "Barclays to exit Africa as profit falls: \n", "\n", "What did Santa Claus’s wife say during a thunderstorm? Come and look at the rain, dear.\n", "\n", "Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.\n", "\n", "Eat At Pleasure, Drink With Measure\n", "\n", "The genus name must be unique inside each kingdom.\n", "\n", "Syrian army battles Islamic State for third day near key road \n", "\n", "Don't wikilink.\n", "\n", "That bit’s bullshit. We like to line our nests with moss.\n", "\n", "Muslim woman's silent Trump protest was far from spontaneous \n", "\n", "Keating is `` a man who never could be , but doesn't know it '' . The one sincere thing in Keating 's life is his love for Catherine.\n", "\n", "There may , or may not , be sex chromosomes.\n", "\n", "The Bald Eagle can be long-lived in captivity if well cared for , but does not breed well even under the best conditions.\n", "\n", "U.S. to study Zika link to Guillain-Barre in Puerto Rico \n", "\n", "Apparently it's not okay to give nicknames to people at work.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "At least that's what the head of HR Donkeyface Sharon just told me.\n", "\n", "Neck Or Nothing\n", "\n", "Bored with the classic “see you later, alligator / after while, crocodile” salutations? Here’s some fun alternatives:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Toodles, my poodles\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Hasta mañana, my iguana\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Au revoir, macaw\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Auf Wiedersehen, Saddam Hussein\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Fare thee well, my bitch from hell\n", "\n", "In 2007 , a new depot opened on Abbey Lane replacing the former premises on Abbey Park Road which go back to the company 's municipal heritage.\n", "\n", "Incubation lasts around 70 to 80 days , the longest incubation period of any bird.\n", "\n", "First UK rate rise call pushed to third quarter; EU future economic concern - Reuters \n", "\n", "I've trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine. It's a Bordeaux collie.\n", "\n", "If you can’t find a lawyer who knows the law, find a lawyer who knows the judge.\n", "\n", "See for further details.\n", "\n", "What do you call a drummer that just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless.\n", "\n", "Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.\n", "\n", "What do you call a Mexican who's car got stolen? Carlos\n", "\n", "My wife is getting her hair done today and I’m just really hoping I can nail my reaction this time.\n", "\n", "Accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares. Going for a poo could spell trouble!\n", "\n", "Been a while since I tweeted this and it remains a mystery - any new followers in the science business that can speak to this?\n", "\n", "I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I'll probably put it in the front room.\n", "\n", "I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought \"he's trying to pull a fast one\".\n", "\n", "I know it’s after 6 but I might get a coffee. Anyone need their house painted at 3AM?\n", "\n", "If every priest and every nun really is married to God, then the Catholic clergy is the largest polyamorous relationship on Earth.\n", "\n", "One of her earliest recordings was in 1972 on an anthology called Stagfolk Live.\n", "\n", "Not to get too techie but if you google a question you can get the answer quicker than asking it on Facebook.\n", "\n", "Gunmen kill two in Burundi as marchers rally against Rwanda \n", "\n", "I buy a different brand of cling flim each time I go shopping.Just to keep things fresh.\n", "\n", "Public buildings and spaces would come to dominate the city.\n", "\n", "\"I feel depressed, lol\"\n", "\n", "You so ugly even a basilisk couldn't look you in the eye.\n", "\n", "Snapple says it's made from the best stuff on Earth, but it certainly doesn't *taste* like cocaine and pussy...\n", "\n", "There are more men than women in mental hospitals, which just goes to show who's driving whom crazy.\n", "\n", "The End Justifies The Means\n", "\n", "Turkey's Erdogan says Syrian Kurdish militia used U.S. weapons on civilians: \n", "\n", "Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the ref was blowing fouls\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents!\n", "\n", "A lot of young people see the double standards , they see what happens in Guantanamo Bay , and they just think that there isn't a just foreign policy . ''\n", "\n", "How do you stop millions of children from going to bed hungry every night? Take away their beds\n", "\n", "In the 19th Century , the boundary was set at the first abundant metazoan fossils.\n", "\n", "Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.\n", "\n", "The away goals rule also applies if scores are equal at the end of extra time.\n", "\n", "Those Who Live In Glass Houses Should Not Throw Stones\n", "\n", "Airlines giving refunds on tickets to Zika zones, offering to reassign crew: \n", "\n", "no YOU LOOK GOOD\n", "\n", "Why does Waldo wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted\n", "\n", "How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb? Manual labor? Gag me with a spoon!\n", "\n", "Say what you will about Jerry Sandusky but he was a damn good coach. He could turn a tight end into a wide receiver in no time.\n", "\n", "The avocado fruit is poisonous to some birds , and the ASPCA and many other sites list it as toxic to many animals including cats , dogs , and horses . Avocado is an ingredient in AvoDerm dog food and cat food.\n", "\n", "Drilling for oil is boring.\n", "\n", "Free-form , so you can specify as many as you like.\n", "\n", "As You Make Your Bed, So Must You Lie On It\n", "\n", "My son took his first steps this morning. The window cleaner was furious.\n", "\n", "A 'DiCaprio' ultimatum for energy bossses? \n", "\n", "HSBC says SEC is probing its Asia hires \n", "\n", "Islamic State presses attack on government-held area in eastern Syria \n", "\n", "How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? It's an obscure number you've probably never heard of.\n", "\n", "Hestia is one of the three great goddesses of the first Olympian generation : Hestia , Demeter and Hera.\n", "\n", "One dead in shooting outside Denver motorcycle expo; event canceled \n", "\n", "these are the only jokes in like 90% of movies now\n", "\n", "me: hey what's the wifi password again\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: it's our favorite movie\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [typing] hmm didn't work\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: did you capitalize the n in notebook?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [erasing 'xxx backdoor nurses 19'] oh right\n", "\n", "Chinese sonar vessel to join search for missing Malaysian jet \n", "\n", "All in all... it was a good orgy.\n", "\n", "Do you think they even bother giving Jeff Goldblum scripts anymore or do they just tell him vaguely what his character is and set him loose?\n", "\n", "A girl I fancy just phoned me and said, \"Come on over. There's nobody home.\" I went over. Nobody was home.\n", "\n", "This was the first time that a best-of-five Cup championship went the distance.\n", "\n", "Site of massacre in San Bernardino reopens: \n", "\n", "He Gives Twice Who Gives In A Trice\n", "\n", "Two months after formation , the club name was officially changed to Shimizu S-Pulse.\n", "\n", "I’m sorry.\n", "\n", "After independence from the British , Balochistan like much of Pakistan has experienced development.\n", "\n", "A survey was conducted into why men like blow jobs: 10% liked the feeling, 12% liked the dominance, 78% liked 20 minutes of fucking silence.\n", "\n", "A number 12 walks into a bar, The barman says \"Sorry but we can't serve you, you're clearly under 18\"\n", "\n", "I'm currently writing a mystery novel. Or am I?\n", "\n", ".@voxmediainc is trying to prevent freelancers from sharing their rates, and we won't stand for it. Send us the rates Vox websites have offered you and we'll share them here anonymously: freelancejournalists@iww.org\n", "\n", "There are two universities in Eskişehir.\n", "\n", "A new stone building was erected to house the Big Horn Academy in 1916.\n", "\n", "I don't know who needs to hear this but, you haven't pooped in two days, take a senna\n", "\n", "See also List of English words of Portuguese origin , Loan words in Indonesian , Japanese words of Portuguese origin , Borrowed words in Malay , Sinhala words of Portuguese origin , Loan words from Portuguese in Sri Lankan Tamil.\n", "\n", "Morley lived for a time in the same parish as Shakespeare , and a connection between the two has been long speculated , though never proven.\n", "\n", "For Malus sylvestris domestica , see Apple.\n", "\n", "Greek ex-finance minister Varoufakis launches democracy movement \n", "\n", "Awesome!!\n", "\n", "Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Informant: why?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: for spilling the beans\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Informant: I didn’t-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: shut your fern gully\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Informant: what\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Informant: ok now you’re making these up\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur\n", "\n", "*Throws Mick Jagger through a glass house*\n", "\n", "[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious\n", "\n", "Fiedler counts today as one of the leading poster artists of post-war East Germany.\n", "\n", "How does everyone just smell so good here? I forgot how people in Paris just know how to smell. Discreetly walking behind people sniffing them is hoefully not illegal here.\n", "\n", " A visit to the border of the Korean Demilitarized Zone. \n", "\n", "In the Reward Challenge , Bobby Jon struggled to swallow as he put all his servings in his mouth , but Tom strategically ate one egg at a time , thus granting Koror another victory.\n", "\n", "[after the apocalypse]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "white guy: we should start a podcast\n", "\n", "The condition attached to the construction was that the Devil would get the soul of the first to pass over the bridge.\n", "\n", "Once I get a few drinks inside me, I find there is one thing I cannot stand. Up.\n", "\n", "The festival also shows classics nature documentaries like `` Serengeti Shall Not Die ''.\n", "\n", "How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but they have to do it during dinner.\n", "\n", "For example , the first player , Ann , begins a turn with a roll of 5.\n", "\n", "They surprised Lieutenant Jenkins and his men and captured Fort Ouiatenon without firing a shot.\n", "\n", "Why are pilots so great at 'landing' jobs?\n", "\n", "Chicago opens law department review after cop shooting mistrial \n", "\n", "Being first in Mexico makes young Syrian refugee a campus celebrity \n", "\n", "When Liz Warren tells you how she’s going to solve a problem that’s called plansplaining.\n", "\n", "\"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.\"\n", "\n", "Attack on a Saudi mosque kills three people: Arabiya TV \n", "\n", "[tree falls in forest]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[doesnt make a sound]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "TREE: oh shit I mean AHH I FELL\n", "\n", "if your vehicle has a monster energy decal you will be denied entry on the evacuation ship\n", "\n", "OLD MAN ROBS ME\r", "\r", "\r\n", "**********************\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MUGGER: Give me your money!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: I don’t carry money. I use Apple Pay. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MUGGER: How does it work?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*30 mins later*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MUGGER: Show me again.\n", "\n", "If a presidential candidate picked a stylish, fuel-efficient Nissan subcompact to be their running mate, it could be the Vice Versa\n", "\n", "A third of world population lives in nations without freedoms - rights group \n", "\n", "Boeing wins $450 million jet order from PNG's national carrier \n", "\n", "Malaysia's ruling party suspends deputy chief over criticism of PM \n", "\n", "The players ran in one direction.\n", "\n", "A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''\n", "\n", "EU launches emergency refugee aid scheme for Greece: \n", "\n", "My friend came to me and said, \"Thanks for lending me the Fight Club DVD! \"I was like, \"Don't mention it.\"\n", "\n", "BHP Billiton investors sue in U.S. over Brazil dam disaster: \n", "\n", "World tennis hit by match-fixing reports, authorities back integrity unit \n", "\n", "Ugandan general sent to maximum security prison after criticizing long-ruling president: \n", "\n", "Honey, would you like a snack? \"No\" Then would you make me one?\n", "\n", "[time traveling back to 1927 to show off technology]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: That's called an animated GIF.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "AL JOLSON: Cool, but where's the sound?\n", "\n", "If I turned invisible I'd go to Paris and beat up a street mime. The amount of applause he would get would be amazing.\n", "\n", "Evidence on talc cancer risk differs for jurors, researchers\n", "\n", "When a child and fawn meet.\n", "\n", "Always follow your dreams. Except for that one where you're naked at work.\n", "\n", "Contemporary multimeters can measure many quantities.\n", "\n", "I can give you one vegetable joke about onions. But that's shallot.\n", "\n", "Know what the two pessimists did when they first met? They shook their heads.\n", "\n", "I've spent all day looking for my cat with one eye..I should have used both eyes really.\n", "\n", "What did one light bulb say to the other on Valentine's Day? I love you watts.\n", "\n", "Apple's encryption fight: A matter of free speech?\n", "\n", "I'M NOT AN INTERN BUT THANK YOU\n", "\n", "Allan `` Whitey '' Snyder who saw her during the last week of her life , said Monroe was pleased by the opportunities available to her , and that she `` never looked better was in great spirits . ''\n", "\n", "Better A Glorious Death Than A Shameful Life\n", "\n", "`` If I Never See Your Face Again '' is a song written by Maroon 5 members Adam Levine and James Valentine for Maroon 5 's second studio album , It Won't Be Soon Before Long.\n", "\n", "Momotarō returned home with his new friends , and his family lived comfortably from then on.\n", "\n", "Spurs keep up title dream as Arsenal hopes hit \n", "\n", "North Korea's mobile missile launcher, carrying a ballistic missile, is seen moving: \n", "\n", "My hot lesbian neighbours got me Rolex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, \"I wanna watch\".\n", "\n", "These units survived long enough in British Rail ownership to be allocated TOPS Class 403.\n", "\n", "Guys that try to pick up girls on Twitter are pathetic. Girls If you agree message me your number and we can talk about it.\n", "\n", "what the hell is going on in my life?!\n", "\n", "Zika alarm sparks run on supply of scientific virus samples \n", "\n", "I know a man who taught his dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground. He went from Barking to Tooting in an hour.\n", "\n", "Charlotte 's Web is a 1952 children 's book written by E. B. White.\n", "\n", "GMR has triggered the rise of a new field of electronics called spintronics.\n", "\n", "Oil output freeze, who's in? \n", "\n", "thought i would have the best looks at my sisters wedding but then my cool aunt wendy showed up stoned in a tank top that says COMMITMENT\n", "\n", "His book is the standard reference work for antique silver.\n", "\n", "\"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?\" Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.\n", "\n", "How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.\n", "\n", "Varoufakis advises the UK Labour Party on EU matters: \n", "\n", "What's brown and sticky? A Stick.\n", "\n", "My math teacher called me average. How mean!\n", "\n", "How did Darth Vader know what Luke has gotten him for Christmas? He felt his presents.\n", "\n", "He Knows How Many Beans Make Five\n", "\n", "Wounded U.S. soldier soon to receive first U.S. penis transplant\n", "\n", "To Pull The Devil By The Tail\n", "\n", "The Mesolithic or `` Middle Stone Age '' was a period in the development of human technology in between the Paleolithic or Old Stone Age and the Neolithic or New Stone Age.\n", "\n", "More pulled out alive after Taiwan quake, about 120 people still trapped \n", "\n", "Hi, I’m Brad. I haven’t read a book since high school and vote republican because that’s what my parents did. I’m not really sure where girls pee from, and think labia and vagina are the same thing. Anyway here’s how your uterus and periods work and why this isn’t an abortion ban\n", "\n", "No, no. Vermin are only placeholders for something far worse to come. You're fine for now.\n", "\n", "U.N. says poised for huge Syria aid effort, if the door opens \n", "\n", "There is another village of the same name in the Mid Devon district.\n", "\n", "Anyway- Here’s the opening to Cheers but with Pennywise the Clown hidden in every photograph.\n", "\n", "me: [after robbing a bank] catch me if you can\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: *holds out magnet*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *sliding towards him, fists raised to the sky* belly button piercing!!\n", "\n", "FCA bans former Deutsche Bank trader Michael Ross Curtler following libor fraud conviction\n", "\n", "Gay jokes aren't funny. Come on guys!\n", "\n", "What's the rudest type of Elf? The GofuckyoursELF\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the cobbler who made a satanic pact?He sold his sole to the devil.\n", "\n", "Bobby Ballenger is starting a new school a thousand miles from his old home.\n", "\n", "The name dates back to the taxonomic name of the first species described by Carolus Linnaeus , which he gave the name Caecilia tentaculata.\n", "\n", "He founded the Sistine Chapel where the team of artists he brought together and introduced the Early Renaissance to Rome with the first masterpiece of the city 's new artistic age.\n", "\n", "Lebanon Hezbollah's TV station says Syrian army breaks rebel siege of Shi'ite towns \n", "\n", "Hi my name is Avoid Completely. Danger is my middle name.\n", "\n", "i once dated a guy legally named Emo and i once dated a guy who had an anatomically accurate heart tattooed on his dickhead, but by far my worst ex was the one who referred to toilet paper as “shit tickets”\n", "\n", "See municipalities of Nayarit.\n", "\n", "There are seventeen Pokémon types , two of which were introduced in Pokémon Gold and Silver.\n", "\n", "Kumaran lost his life during a protest march against the British.\n", "\n", "Ford Motor quarterly profit beats Street expectations \n", "\n", "The best part of tomorrow being Father’s Day is not having to think of something to write in a Mother’s Day card right now.\n", "\n", "The rest of the song sucks but you can’t tell me that the chorus from Gavin Degraw’s “I Don’t Wanna Be” isn’t an all time classic chorus\n", "\n", "She has a son and two daughters , as well as 4 grandchildren and 7 great grandchildren.\n", "\n", "How is it possible to have a 'civil' war?\n", "\n", "Italy says West prepared to take on Islamic State in Libya \n", "\n", "'Affluenza' mom expected to be released from jail: \n", "\n", "Seven candidates qualify for Thursday's main U.S. presidential debate \n", "\n", "Can't. Replying \"What do you want?\" to all the \"Hi\" and \"Heyyy\" DMs.\n", "\n", "My wife is on a tropical food diet, the house is full of the stuff. It's enough to make a mango crazy.\n", "\n", "The California State Fair is held in Sacramento each year at the end of the summer , ending on Labor Day.\n", "\n", "WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: {drinking toast} Why?\n", "\n", "Pfizer hikes U.S. prices for over 100 drugs on January 1 \n", "\n", "Never Quit Certainty For Hope\n", "\n", "Assad tells Putin his government will help with Syria ceasefire: \n", "\n", "Instead of a hammock, it should be called the nap-sack\n", "\n", "They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.\n", "\n", "These patients first notice difficulty speaking clearly.\n", "\n", "“You will either drown in the sea or die in the desert” Enter the world of people smuggling: \n", "\n", "you called me a faggot in high school but you want me to rt your missing mom???!??! LMAOOOOOO\n", "\n", "Fighting kills at least 500 in Aleppo province since Syrian army offensive began: monitor \n", "\n", "BREAKING NEWS: A lorry containing Vanish has overturned in Middlesex causing Staines to completely disappear.\n", "\n", "Things to do in an elevator: alone with another person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you\n", "\n", "In what Californian city can you find waffles buried at the beach? Sandy Eggo.\n", "\n", "i want a bike that i can ride on paved surfaces. with a comfortable seat, disc brakes, 8 gears, preferably step-through.\n", "\n", "New York jury hears claim GM concealed ignition switch defect \n", "\n", "Argentina offers $6.5 billion cash deal to end debt battle \n", "\n", "I saw a cop pull over a U Haul today. Looks like he was trying to bust a move.\n", "\n", "They didn't give any thought to the fact that once he 'd done that he might turn on his creators.\n", "\n", "I don't know any.\n", "\n", "\"Doctor! Doctor! I snore so loudly, I wake myself up at night.\"\r\n", "\"Have you tried sleeping in another room?\"\n", "\n", "Egyptian forces kill two militants in clashes in upscale Cairo area \n", "\n", "The tail is darkly colored and straight.\n", "\n", "Arabians are one of the oldest human-developed horse breeds in the world.\n", "\n", "Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven't done it. Bring more\n", "\n", "His work did much to draw the attention of the public to impossible objects.\n", "\n", "I just love the smell of Grandma's cooking. So I set fire to an old peoples home.\n", "\n", "For every dollar a man makes, a woman makes seventy cense. That's not fair cause the man is only left with .30.\n", "\n", "Keep Your Mouth Shut And Your Eyes Open\n", "\n", "In hell you have to spend eternity with people who ask if your tattoos mean anything.\n", "\n", "Why Egyptian authorities are frightened about January 25: \n", "\n", "I remember when my parents died, all they left me was a globe.. It meant the world to me.\n", "\n", "Turkish air flight from Texas diverted to Ireland after bomb threat: CNN \n", "\n", "[at work, 8am]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "the new guy: *walks up* Hi! Can I ask you a question?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *staring out the window, stirring my morning coffee with a slice of bacon*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "the new guy: *backs away*\n", "\n", "Tear gas in parliament kills Kosovo vote, again: \n", "\n", "China stays in focus after tumultuous first week of 2016 \n", "\n", "What's the difference between a feminist and a computer? You can punch information into a computer.\n", "\n", "Another broad category of gestures comprises those gestures used spontaneously when we speak.\n", "\n", "Maybe we should tone it down a notch. The neighbours changed the name of their wifi network to;\"We can hear you having sex\".\n", "\n", "What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken. \n", "\n", "Got a new job working at the police station sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.\n", "\n", "Oil futures drop for 3rd session on rising crude stocks, oversupply \n", "\n", "Children on Syrian refugee route could freeze to death: U.N. \n", "\n", "The couple have three children and currently reside in Los Angeles.\n", "\n", "i’m just gonna go buy more plants thanks\n", "\n", "just found out that before hitler committed suicide he wanted to make sure the cyanide capsules would work so he fed them to his dog idk y’all i’m starting to think we should cancel this guy\n", "\n", "Iraqi forces make gains against Islamic State east of Ramadi \n", "\n", "not to get political but amelia bedelia is a complete idiot\n", "\n", "I was trying to reference Playboy bunny the other day and I said PlayBILL bunny and wow that’s gayer than anal folks. I retire!\n", "\n", "China court jails 24 over $1.5-bln financial fraud - Xinhua \n", "\n", "FIFA ethics committee bans former secretary general Valcke\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had loco motives\n", "\n", "Against the fashion of the time , Buchanan stressed the importance of playing without vibrato ; he was reported to have slapped Davis 's knuckles every time he started using heavy vibrato.\n", "\n", "Or you could make two versions , one using native-language variable names , and the other using the English names.\n", "\n", "What do you call a dead Mexican? Dearly deported.\n", "\n", "My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.\n", "\n", "I broke my pinky today. It hurts, But on the other hand, I'm just fine.\n", "\n", "What's green and smells of pork? Kermit the frogs fingers!\n", "\n", "9 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.\n", "\n", "Ukraine president's party to condemn government's performance: leader \n", "\n", "me: [plays a reverse card]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop arresting me: [cocking pistol] i ain't going back to jail\n", "\n", "Kerry hopes for clarity on Syria talks within 24 to 48 hours: \n", "\n", "I don't do dating apps. I'll take my rejection the old fashioned way. In person.\n", "\n", "Butler: what would you like to do today sir\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I wish to die, Wesley\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Butler: very well sir. Will that be before or after lunch?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: what's for lunch?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Butler: macaroni and cheese, sir\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: with the bacon bits?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Butler: yes sir\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: after lunch, then\n", "\n", "What do the films The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common? Icy dead people.\n", "\n", "your mom gives me a small baked snack. it's on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too\n", "\n", "The language is also one of the many official languages in India.\n", "\n", "okay what the FUCK is indiana\n", "\n", "This in turn could endanger water supplies from Pitt Lake as well as fisheries on the Pitt River.\n", "\n", "Yo Mama is so ugly, she uses a line of makeup called \"Why Bother\".\n", "\n", "Whenever it rains, my wife just stands at the window looking kind of sad. Maybe I should let her in.\n", "\n", "Israelis near Gaza fear Hamas is tunnelling beneath them: \n", "\n", "Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.\n", "\n", "Ecuador says Assange will answer Sweden's questions in days \n", "\n", "There are also three new songs on the album : `` The Heart Never Lies '' , `` The Way You Make Me Feel '' and `` Don't Wake Me Up ''.\n", "\n", "Visiting my mom on another rainy day in Massachusetts.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Things she left:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- the car, in case I wanted to go anywhere\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- the windows down bc it was supposed to be a nice day\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- her phone, bc why not\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Things she took:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- the car keys\n", "\n", "Deutsche Boerse, London Stock Exchange in merger talks - sources\n", "\n", "Iran starts election count to set post-sanctions power balance \n", "\n", "Young Alice was one of the first seven students in the United States.\n", "\n", "One day he asks if she had any such experience.\n", "\n", "There's now a record number of male hairdressers in this country. More evidence of our society's descent into barberism.\n", "\n", "Rice was President Bush 's National Security Advisor during his first term.\n", "\n", "Bombs hamper troops two weeks after victory declared in Iraq's Ramadi \n", "\n", "I always try not to judge people. Which is probably why I lost my job as a judge!\n", "\n", "U.S. job growth slows, unemployment rate at eight-year low: \n", "\n", "i never got “we should hang out this summer :)” in my year books bc even the fake bitches didn’t like me and i think that’s evidence of an extreme power that will definitely blossom into something later in life\n", "\n", "Worried this Christmas as our dyslexic office junior has organised a secret satan.\n", "\n", "My girlfriend peed her pants and asked me if she was still beautiful. I told her, \"urinate out of ten.\"\n", "\n", "Women shouldn't have children after thirty. Because, really, thirty children should be enough.\n", "\n", "French PM says refugee crisis threatening idea of EU: BBC \n", "\n", "What happened to Jeb Bush, anyway?\n", "\n", "Before the days of cultured pearls , black pearls were rare and highly valued for the simple reason that white pearl oysters rarely produced naturally black pearls , and black pearl oysters rarely produced any natural pearls at all.\n", "\n", "How does a pregnant mermaid give birth? Sea-section\n", "\n", "These aren’t even hard anymore.\n", "\n", "nurse: what's the baby's name\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "bear grylls' mom: bear grylls\n", "\n", "Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.\n", "\n", "Their tail will drop off and wriggle around for a little while , and the salamanders will either run away or stay still enough to not be noticed while the predator is distracted.\n", "\n", "A motif of the heart on the palm of the hand embodies people 's compassion and care for their citizens.\n", "\n", "Vice President Biden, Iraq's Abadi discuss Turkish troop issue: White House \n", "\n", "I'm so great, I'm jealous of myself.\n", "\n", "What do short people like to drive? A mini-van #joke\n", "\n", "The last of five teens accused of raping woman in Brooklyn playground taken into custody: \n", "\n", "The Armenian Quarter is one of the four quarters of the Old City of Jerusalem.\n", "\n", "I see someone is selling all their dogging gear on eBay. There's no buyers but I've noticed that there's 126 watchers!\n", "\n", "If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I'd just laugh and search with them.\n", "\n", "Keep your neighbors on their toes by mowing a giant pentagram into your lawn.\n", "\n", "my divorce lawyer: why does she want a divorce?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *lacing up* it's complicated \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "divorce lawyer: so not because of the rollerblades then?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *gliding away* no\n", "\n", "Zika link to birth defects could be proven within weeks: WHO \n", "\n", "Goniatitina is one of two suborders of the Goniatitida order.\n", "\n", "One passenger reported sea water in the cabin at about 03:00 UTC.\n", "\n", "In spring of 1954 , in New York City , just before his passing Pascal had planned a trip to India to see Meher Baba one last time.\n", "\n", "EgyptAir mechanic whose cousin joined Islamic State suspected in Russian plane crash: \n", "\n", "First time dad: I’m in way over my head.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "OB: Sir, get outta there. The baby comes out to you.\n", "\n", "Man, the Ratatouille sequel is gonna be dark\n", "\n", "The only reason why I want to legalize weed in America is so that potheads have nothing ever to talk about ever again.\n", "\n", "Wittgenstein 's work on Logic began to take on an ethical and religious significance.\n", "\n", "How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Billions and billions.\n", "\n", "“Sit by my side, and let the world slip: we shall ne'er be younger” LFW16 gets Shakesperean \n", "\n", "The only B word you should call a girl is Beautiful. Bitches love to be called Beautiful\n", "\n", "I never liked my index and middle fingers but I’ve made peace with it\n", "\n", "Genuine friendship is not based on money and power, but on trust, which in turn develops as a result of showing concern for other people’s well-being. In other words, friendship is founded on warm-heartedness.\n", "\n", "Jason Rezaian thanks Kerry in first appearance since release \n", "\n", "I was at a club, they played jump! So I jumped, played twist and shout, so I twisted and shouted! They played come on Eileen and they kicked me out.\n", "\n", "She first shaved her head to the scalp , then dressed her in a man 's cloak and sandals , and laid her down alone on a mattress in the dark.\n", "\n", "Another blast at Severstal's mine in Arctic, no one hurt: reports \n", "\n", "Although feedback is an important aspect of control engineering , control engineers may also work on the control of systems without feedback.\n", "\n", "IT'S CALLED THE MARKETPLACE OF IDEAS, SUSAN ·\n", "\n", "I’m at a much too advanced yoga class and want to leave- it’s really put me in an awkward position\n", "\n", "If you bite a popsicle, the end of it is what your arm looks like if it was cut off.\n", "\n", "43 Kurdish YPG fighters killed in Syria in battle with Islamic State \n", "\n", "Tampax are releasing a limited edition, egg shaped tampon. It's for the Easter period only.\n", "\n", "Its name evokes at the same time the new city and the memory of Ascq , martyr city of 1 April 1944 , date on which the Nazis massacred 86 men.\n", "\n", "Speech Is Silver But Silence Is Gold\n", "\n", "Albatross chicks take a long time to fledge.\n", "\n", "Modern Hydro-electric dams can be viewed as the descendants of the water wheel as they too take advantage of the movement of water downhill.\n", "\n", "U.N. aims to air drop food to IS-besieged city in eastern Syria \n", "\n", "The atomic number of the atom goes down by exactly two , as a result of the loss of two protons - the atom becomes a new element.\n", "\n", "Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.\n", "\n", "I may be wearing a shapeless, unattractive dress that is several sizes too big and resembles a muumuu/tent hybrid but I have never been more comfortable so fashion can eat my entire ass today\n", "\n", "My wife has left me because she says I keep treating her like a pet. She'll be back when she's hungry.\n", "\n", "They performed at BBC Radio One 's One Big Weekend , held in their home town of Sunderland over the weekend of May 7-8 , 2005.\n", "\n", "Soon Learnt, Soon Forgotten\n", "\n", "I went to the library. I said,\"Can I borrow a book about suicide?\" The guy said,\"We did have one, but we never got it back.\"\n", "\n", "[cocoon]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CATERPILLAR: What the fuck what the fuck what the fuuuuuuuuu\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[later]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "BUTTERFLY: uuuuuuucck.\n", "\n", "me when Thriller comes on: *stands up and takes off my hat*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "friend who took me to my first sporting event: no we only do that for the national anthem\n", "\n", "What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper\n", "\n", "One literary critic said that had the novel not been about slavery , `` it would be just another sentimental novel , '' while another described the book as `` primarily a derivative piece of hack work . ''\n", "\n", "Yemen oil port fire from Saudi-led air strike kills at least nine \n", "\n", "Asian shares extend gains as investor fears ease \n", "\n", "I can't think of any reason to mess with that . ''\n", "\n", "Ppl don’t need to lose their minds over this. Anyone, male or female, who isn’t good enough to do this job won’t survive long. This is about the people that hire writers giving equal opportunities in a writers’ room so women can show what they can do.\n", "\n", "Pizza, rifles and tension: a night inside the Oregon protest. \n", "\n", "The Temple of Artemis housed many fine works of art.\n", "\n", "wife: I am having an affair\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well\n", "\n", "New rule: You shit in it, you wash it.\n", "\n", "A truck full of Viagra was stolen today. Police are on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals.\n", "\n", "To the thief in the wheelchair who nicked my camouflage jacket. You can hide but you can't run.\n", "\n", "Canada to end bombing missions in Iraq and Syria \n", "\n", "Amid transition, Myanmar's Senior General emerges from the shadows \n", "\n", "[Grocery Store]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*Smashing watermelons with my fist*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: These are all bad!!!\n", "\n", "It is also known as White Twinevine.\n", "\n", "Drug lord Guzman closer to U.S. trial as Mexico starts extradition process \n", "\n", "Kenya says it killed head of intelligence for Somalia's Islamist insurgency \n", "\n", "Soon afterwards , the company promoted two ECW reunion shows for ECW Alumni entitled , ECW One Night Stand in 2005 and in 2006.\n", "\n", "Metallurgical company CEO arrested for exports to Iran: U.S. Justice Department \n", "\n", "Went to an Indian restaurant last night and had a pelican curry. Food was ok, but the bill was enormous!\n", "\n", "FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "FRIEND: Sure\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris\n", "\n", "The Truth: S(he) be(lie)ve(d).\n", "\n", "Hunt for foreign assets pits Japan Inc vs China\n", "\n", "The name Eloise was later retired.\n", "\n", "Supervision: not as cool as it sounds.\n", "\n", "The first three genera contain viruses that cause influenza in vertebrates , including birds , humans , and other mammals.\n", "\n", "Florida winners of record U.S. Powerball jackpot to come forward \n", "\n", "Wife: I think you should stop reading comic books to our daughter.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: why?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: she just asked the dog his origin story.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: what did he say?\n", "\n", "Why is there such a shortage of teachers in Africa? Teacher's aides\n", "\n", "EU offering UK 'emergency brake'on migrant benefits - sources \n", "\n", "Me: When I was younger I was given a choice, a long penis or a good memory. Wife: Which one did you choose? Me: I can't remember.\n", "\n", "If you would like to experiment further , please use the sandbox.\n", "\n", "Who Keeps Company With The Wolf, Will Learn To Howl\n", "\n", "China says 49 detained for Tianjin blasts, losses at $1 billion \n", "\n", "My husband suggested we go on a hike today, so if I show up “missing” tomorrow... it’s because I left him for a man that doesn’t make me exercise.\n", "\n", "Plan to slash asylum claims in Austria: \n", "\n", "Hey there Delilah I swear to god if you don’t tell me what it’s like in New York City right now I will be so pissed off\n", "\n", "Where convenient , the notation 24:00 may also be used to refer to midnight at the end of a given date - that is , 24:00 of some day is the same time as 00:00 of the following day.\n", "\n", "Why do mice have tiny balls? Very few know how to dance.\n", "\n", "[in a world where the phrase \"uh oh, spaghettios\" was never invented]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: aw fuck, alpha-getti\n", "\n", "I go to all these step-by-step programs and I still don't know how to dance.\n", "\n", "German police give all-clear over package at Merkel's office: \n", "\n", " Estimated 50,000 people displaced by upsurge in Syria war, mainly in northern areas of Aleppo province: Red Cross\n", "\n", "What do you say if Satan sneezes?\n", "\n", "They are best known for their hit singles `` Fire Water Burn '' and `` The Bad Touch ''.\n", "\n", "I Got Croissant!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "And Amex has a presale for Freestyle Love Supreme In Broadway, starting...now! Go!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "https://stage.freestylelovesupreme.com \n", "\n", "The zone is one hour ahead of the Pacific Time Zone and one hour behind the Central Time Zone.\n", "\n", "Demand loans may be unsecured or secured.\n", "\n", "It was men like Dattatreya who helped to make this possible.\n", "\n", "Dow off to worst January start ever as China fears grow \n", "\n", "The Tailor Makes The Man\n", "\n", "Outgoing U.S. commander says mission in Afghanistan not changing \n", "\n", "Macropodiformes is one of the three suborders of the large marsupial order Diprotodontia.\n", "\n", "His mother died when he was 9.\n", "\n", "Have you heard about the Italian chef? He pasta way \n", "\n", "As of 2009 , Rise Against has released five studio albums , two EPs , and one DVD.\n", "\n", "Regulator tells banks to open up payment system to competition \n", "\n", "She was hanged over the fire with a rope and she fell into the fire when the rope burned through.\n", "\n", "Be there in 5 minutes, if not, read this again.\n", "\n", "i love when people get mad at me for \"getting political\" on whalefact as if it's isn't just a twitter account that i could literally tweet my dick and balls from if i wanted to\n", "\n", "Former FIFA official banned for failing to respect earlier ban: \n", "\n", "I typed 'Hollywood' into my GPS and it said \"you'll never make it.\"\n", "\n", "Labor Day is a United States federal holiday observed on the first Monday in September.\n", "\n", "Presses to fall silent at UK's Independent as paper goes online-only \n", "\n", "This is what happened at the Iowa caucuses: Cruz beat Trump, Clinton edged out Sanders: \n", "\n", "DOG: Then he said \"Who's a good boy?\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?\n", "\n", "Britain denounces Islamic State video showing 'spies' shot: \n", "\n", "Short-term interim government likely in Haiti - U.S. official \n", "\n", "Pressure grows on China to rein in North Korea, South launches propaganda barrage \n", "\n", "HER: pleas use a little lube\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HIM: ky?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: cause yo willie’s all dry, hoss\n", "\n", "What do you get if you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow? Run over.\n", "\n", "Pavarotti began his farewell tour in 2004 , at the age of 69 , performing one last time in old and new locations , after more than four decades on the stage.\n", "\n", "My boss said he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I've got a hunch it might be me.\n", "\n", "Yahoo quarterly revenue falls 15 percent \n", "\n", "Red doors are becoming targets in this English town: \n", "\n", "Using little plastic dinosaurs and some fishline, I made a scene for my wife's car backup camera.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Now we wait.\n", "\n", "someone called me gay for wearing heels the other day..but I was not going to wear tennis shoes with that dress.\n", "\n", "I take steps to avoid lifts.\n", "\n", "He was one of the early volunteers for the SS and the NSDAP.\n", "\n", "Foxtel introduced pay-per-view direct to home television in Australia in the early 2000s.\n", "\n", "me before sex: you can slap me, bite me, choke me, idgaf\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me 1 second after i cum: if anything touches the tip of my penis im calling the police\n", "\n", "Just past my English exam.\n", "\n", "Don Alfonso joins the discussion and lays a wager with the two officers , claiming he can prove in a day 's time that these two women are fickle.\n", "\n", "Stop calling yourself hot. The only thing you turn on is a microwave.\n", "\n", "The first recorded use of amber as a color name in English was in 1500.\n", "\n", "ECB chief says bank is ready to act in March if needed: \n", "\n", "You: Help! I’ve been shot!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.\n", "\n", "However , Tutmarc 's inventions never caught the public imagination , and little further development of the instrument took place until the 1950s.\n", "\n", "Hey girl are you a pizza because you’re covered in cheese and no wait you are a pizza\n", "\n", "Trump draws full house as he snubs Fox News \n", "\n", "Every time one of these stories comes up , like , say , Michael Jackson , when it 's finally over I think , what a relief , now we can get back to real news.\n", "\n", "Megabats eat fruit , nectar or pollen while most microbats eat insects ; others may feed on the blood of animals , small mammals , fish , fruit , pollen or nectar.\n", "\n", "Faults Are Thick Where Love Is Thin\n", "\n", "FBI joins Flint, Michigan water investigation \n", "\n", "Six Of One And Half A Dozen Of The Other\n", "\n", "My Mrs has been told she'll have to lose weight if she wants to become pregnant.I told her.\n", "\n", "Italy, Germany share populism as common enemy in Europe: Renzi \n", "\n", "EU ministers demand drop in migrant flows from Turkey before March 7 summit \n", "\n", "The moves that one Pokémon may learn are different from another depending on the species of Pokémon ; even those that evolve from others do not necessarily learn all the same moves that their predecessors learn . Each Pokémon may only know a total of four moves at any one time.\n", "\n", "Him: [has a bed frame and a job]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\n", "\n", "US-Russia draft calls for Syria ceasefire to start Feb. 27\n", "\n", "Women are reasonable! As long as we admit they're right, we don't have to agree to anything.\n", "\n", "Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.\n", "\n", "What do you call a Mexican with no car? Joaquin.\n", "\n", "The same is true of many chitons.\n", "\n", "British government agrees deal with Scotland over new spending powers \n", "\n", "Salutations. I am *glides across the floor like a damn dracula* a dracula.\n", "\n", "Hatred Is Blind, As Well As Love\n", "\n", "wiccan and juggalo are the same thing. they just announced it on the News\n", "\n", "Teachers know when you are texting. I mean, are you really looking at your crotch and smiling?\n", "\n", "Out of sight, but never out of mind.\n", "\n", "hey dude i think i might be getting sick. could you be feel my face for me, as a friend. touch my neck. could you be a sweetheart and smell my breath for me dude\n", "\n", "Someone dropped their Scrabble in the middle of the road. That's the word on the street anyway.\n", "\n", "It was his first of two asteroid discoveries.\n", "\n", "Turkey's prime minister says suspected bomber is a foreign member of Islamic State. \n", "\n", "What did Jeffrey Dahmer sing as he went to the refrigerator? My Bologna had a first name.\n", "\n", "I think my mate from the Greater Manchester area may be a transvestite. He has a Wigan address.\n", "\n", "compared to her u are Nothing.\n", "\n", "What would you get if your donkey ate the legs off my rooster? Two feet of my cock in your ass.\n", "\n", "Each country is allowed one vote.\n", "\n", "My wife knows\n", "\n", "me comforting myself after an unpopular tweet: this is a niche tweet. artisanal. hand-crafted with love, and of very high quality, but understood by few. too nuanced for the masses.\n", "\n", "I'm not ignoring you, I'm pretending you're dead.\n", "\n", "White kimchi is a popular kimchi to make during the wintertime.\n", "\n", "Why is the camel called the ship of the desert? Because its full of Arab semen\n", "\n", "Stupidity's cause hasn't been advanced much by its many martyrs\n", "\n", "Me: I need to hire a person to fan me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Friend: Why not just buy an electric fan? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "M: No, That's what the machines want to start their world domination!\n", "\n", "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.\n", "\n", "I don't have bad handwriting. I have my own font.\n", "\n", "who wants to go to a cafe with me and drink coffee until we both throw up?\n", "\n", "Depression: Anger without enthusiasm\n", "\n", "Most commercial fisheries do not want to catch Alaska plaice ; but many are caught by commercial trawlers trying to catch other bottom fish.\n", "\n", "Barclays says board evaluating options for its African business \n", "\n", "Two deaths were also reported in Haiti.\n", "\n", "There are 2 sports days every year.\n", "\n", "My wife was gang raped by a group of mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on her.\n", "\n", "I wish my only problem in life was fighting over how many millions of dollars I make. #Lockout\n", "\n", "Why the WHO may not survive as it is for another decade: \n", "\n", "My mate has a new job clearing leaves this Autumn. He reckons he's going to rake it in.\n", "\n", "Brain: sup?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: not much\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Brain: trying to get some sleep?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: yup\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Brain: cool\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: yup\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Brain: so you think you'll stay single forever or what\n", "\n", "The tribes merged into one and took the name Xhakúm.\n", "\n", "G/f left a note on the fridge. \"It's not working. Can't take it anymore.\" Opened the fridge and the light came on. What the hell did she mean?\n", "\n", "My Fleshlight is just a paper towel tube hooked to a Sonicare.\n", "\n", "taco bell employee: three forty is your change \r", "\r", "\r\n", "arby’s employee: sir, this is a wendy’s\n", "\n", "Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops? It's counterproductive\n", "\n", "`` Thant '' was his only name.\n", "\n", "What's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game? Before the first period.\n", "\n", "The band adopted the name Green Day , allegedly due to their fondness of marijuana.\n", "\n", "If Eve doomed the human population for an apple.. What would she do for a Klondike?\n", "\n", "How do you make an archaeolgist mad? Give him a bloody tampon and ask him what period its from.\n", "\n", "I was having a dip at the swimming pool when the lifeguard asked, 'What have you got there?' I replied 'Hummus'\n", "\n", "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.\n", "\n", "What do ninjas drink? WATAH!\n", "\n", "What animal what you like to be on a really cold day? A little Otter\n", "\n", "In reality , the Clinton Administration didn't intervene in Rwanda , making series events look like a moral imperative.\n", "\n", "What do you call water that bounces? Spring water. \n", "\n", "I feel like Doll’s Kill needs an over-30 section\n", "\n", "U.S. rejected North Korea peace talks offer before last nuclear test\n", "\n", "ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "JOHN: Dad, we know.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.\n", "\n", "What do you call a man with cat scratches all over his head? Claude!\n", "\n", "Centrica's British Gas to cut 500 jobs to rein in costs \n", "\n", "Any suitable tree or large bush may be used for nesting , though an evergreen is preferred.\n", "\n", "New Zealand's Christchurch rocked by 5.7 magnitude quake, cliffs collapse into sea \n", "\n", "Eastern European Time is one of the names of UTC +2 time zone , 2 hours ahead of Coordinated Universal Time.\n", "\n", "Uber driver suspected in Michigan shootings, six dead \n", "\n", "Biotic sources would include insects which might bore into the tree , deer which might rub bark off the trunk , or fungi , which might attach themselves to the tree ..\n", "\n", "Saying And Doing Are Two Things\n", "\n", "My dad just came first in a drag race. I had no idea a man could run so fast in a cocktail dress and high heels!\n", "\n", "For three days Juno sat fuming , still trapped in Vulcan 's chair , she couldn't sleep , she couldn't stretch , she couldn't eat.\n", "\n", "Nearly 2,000 legal cases opened for insulting Turkey's Erdogan \n", "\n", "Why did the minus sign run for office? To make a difference. \n", "\n", "I just gave my cat some 7UP. Now he's got 16 lives.\n", "\n", "A Burden Of One's Own Choice Is Not Felt\n", "\n", "Pope to pray for migrants at Mexico-U.S. border: \n", "\n", "ME, 10: I want to live in the forest with the wildlife & use blueberries as currency\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME, 20: I want a big house with an attractive spouse & a big pile of money\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME, 30: I want to live in the forest with the wildlife & use blueberries as currency\n", "\n", "Hao Long is a Chinese name.\n", "\n", "Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dog Student: (still chewing) almost\n", "\n", "Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.\n", "\n", "[depressed, broke, eating like shit, haven’t opened my mail since January]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I should get a new tattoo\n", "\n", "friend: help, i need somebody! help!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: not just anybody, help! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "friend:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: oh shit she bled out\n", "\n", "Several witnesses in Shkreli case are worried about retaliation: U.S. prosecutors. \n", "\n", "Brunt 'ashamed' of WBA fans after hit by coin \n", "\n", "What's black and white and eats like a horse? A Zebra.\n", "\n", "Don't Sell The Bear's Skin Before You've Caught It\n", "\n", "The name comes from zygosporangia , where resistant spherical spores are formed during sexual reproduction.\n", "\n", "Much of his work is recognized for its melody-like musicality.\n", "\n", "ICE Raids are expected to start on Sunday in:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Miami\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Atlanta\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Chicago\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Baltimore\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Denver\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Houston\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Los Angeles\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- New Orleans\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- New York City,\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- San Francisco\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "If you are in any of these cities, please share this info #ProtectEachOther #Protejamonos\n", "\n", "[last day as a music teacher]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, about to explain a deceptive cadence: so we're all familiar with edging, right?\n", "\n", "However , in later serials , gold appeared to affect them rather like silver affects werewolves , with gold coins or gold-tipped bullets fired at them having the same effect.\n", "\n", "When I was in a supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, \"Are you two an item?\".\n", "\n", "Crispen also invented the first inclined stairlift.\n", "\n", "RIP boiling water. You will be mist.\n", "\n", " Four people detained in connection with Istanbul bombing: Turkish PM\n", "\n", "Soccer radio deals in the U.S. put spotlight on FIFA's bidding process: \n", "\n", "Dad: it’s time we had “the talk”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: oh, I already know about dancing the forbidden polka \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: the what? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: ya know, boppin’ squiddles??\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: excuse me \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: slaying the vadragon??\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: what?!?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: disappointing the wife \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: oh sex, right\n", "\n", "The other day a clown held the door open for me. It was a nice jester.\n", "\n", "What is a ghost's favourite ride? A roller-ghoster.\n", "\n", "Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?\n", "\n", "In the past 20 years or so , many new anchor designs have appeared.\n", "\n", "Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed? He said he \"couldn't find a shingle person to do it.\"\n", "\n", "New Jersey Gov. Christie calls for state takeover of Atlantic City: reports \n", "\n", "Clues the depression is getting better: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "-smiling more\r", "\r", "\r\n", "-giving random high fives \r", "\r", "\r\n", "-peeing very frantically bc there is so much fun life stuff to get back to \r", "\r", "\r\n", "-wearing headbands\n", "\n", "Bought a suit made from a cactus, looked pretty sharp in it.\n", "\n", "Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.\n", "\n", "Waited in line for hours outside the club last night whilst the doorman checked ID's. He was taking ages.\n", "\n", "What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large \n", "\n", "Raul Castro makes a state visit to France. Watch here: \n", "\n", "Polish president's jet 'disintegrated' mid-air in 2010: minister \n", "\n", "What did the left nut say to the right nut? Don't talk to the guy in the middle, he's a dick.\n", "\n", "I exercise constantly. I am always running late.\n", "\n", "In 1977 , the stone was moved 127 meters to make way for the new motorway passing over the St. Gotthard Pass , at a cost of 300,000 Swiss Francs.\n", "\n", "Balloon boy imma let you finish but Anne frank had the best attic hideout of all time.\n", "\n", "Imagine being a grown adult who is so butthurt and delusional that you vigilantly watch the actions of others and look for any excuse to justify why you have no choice but to publicly mock someone who's never done a thing to you. How sad.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*sips tea*\n", "\n", "I ended up in jail the other night and the guys across from me had glued themselves together. It was very con-fusing.\n", "\n", "Season Finale of Klepper this week. Forgive me for the upcoming barrage of self promotion. I just want you to be docile and ingest ALL THE CONTENT.\n", "\n", "I wrote a song about tortilla. Actually it's more of a wrap.\n", "\n", "UK proposes early start to capacity power market scheme in 2017 \n", "\n", "Herr Drosselmeyer has brought to the party three life-size dolls , which each take a turn to dance.\n", "\n", "U.S. flies F-22 fighters over South Korea after North's rocket launch \n", "\n", "Behind every successful woman is a man who’s going to put his hands on her lower back to “just scootch past ya”\n", "\n", "George Harri: here comes the son\r", "\r", "\r\n", "George Harrison: \n", "\n", "Can we acknowledge that whoever is running the PR campaign for raccoons is absolutely killing it? Everybody loves them now\n", "\n", "Any NATO refugee mission would go after smugglers, U.S.'s Carter says \n", "\n", "Told the hibachi chef to stop yolkin’ around when he cracked the eggs for the fried rice.\n", "\n", "[visiting Hell as a tourist]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Satan: congratulations you get to stay here\n", "\n", "Group said trapped in cellar become focus in Turkey's Kurdish conflict \n", "\n", "Bolivian President Morales says result still not clear in referendum \n", "\n", "Oregon occupiers say they want to help local residents regain rights from federal government \n", "\n", "me after getting cancelled\n", "\n", "Shoot for the moon. If you miss, reload and fire again. The moon must be stopped at all costs.\n", "\n", "Opened a tin of meat. Soon as I opened it 20 more tins appeared... Bloody spam.\n", "\n", "nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "astronaut: moon's haunted\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "nasa employee: what? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon's haunted\n", "\n", "Fine Feathers Make Fine Birds\n", "\n", "Pretty excited for the year 2170, when I'll be just a head in a jar, stored inside a giant warehouse, quietly singing the harmony part to \"The Boxer.\"\n", "\n", "'Dear Jean-Claude' - Cameron thanks Juncker for 'creativity' in crafting Britain's EU deal: \n", "\n", "EU membership losing 'magic power' for candidates, says Serbia PM \n", "\n", "`` We don't see ourselves as a destructive force , but we are . ''\n", "\n", "If you’re reaching out to a company’s customer service, even if you’re unhappy about something, BE NICE. Do not verbally abuse these people. Chances are they personally aren’t responsible for the issue you’re contacting them about. It’s fine to vent but take it easy.\n", "\n", "In regular play , two defencemen complement three forwards and a goaltender on the ice.\n", "\n", "That awkward moment when someone you hate thinks your opinion is valid.\n", "\n", "Euro zone, IMF split over how much Greece needs to reform \n", "\n", " President Obama intends to nominate successor for Scalia on Supreme Court\n", "\n", "My wife reckoned she could sing more football terrace songs than me. But I beat her easily. She had no chants.\n", "\n", "What did the melon tell her boyfriend when he proposed? Yes but we cantaloupe. \n", "\n", "[holding the door open for a pretty woman]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *blushing* I aim to please\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "M: I despise you\n", "\n", "[before the invention of handbaskets]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Satan: where the hell is everyone\n", "\n", "No guys my mum heard me making a stupid video and i sksksk \n", "\n", "Why was tigger's head in the toilet? He was looking for pooh! \n", "\n", "her: take off my bra\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ok\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: take off my panties\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: wow ok\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: stop wearing my clothes\n", "\n", "Only one crochet hook is needed to make crochet stitches.\n", "\n", "Each platform constructed specifically for the Victoria Line from new is 132.6 metres long.\n", "\n", "If you sing while playing Throwing a ball during baseball, will you have a good pitch?\n", "\n", "I’m at the dentist with a bunch of other old guys. They’re playing Miami Sound Machine in the waiting room. One guy still has his blinker on.\n", "\n", "It was a bizarre thing . ''\n", "\n", "After Nevada, Sanders faces struggle to broaden appeal \n", "\n", "Soon afterwards the old city hall was demolished and replaced with a new one , and General Józef Zają", "czek financed the paving of all the city 's streets.\n", "\n", "They shouldn't be invoked directly.\n", "\n", "me: [from casket in back of hearse] turn signals, guy\n", "\n", "China weapons exports surge over past five years: report \n", "\n", "Another hypothetical was the staging of the Haitian struggle for independence as depicted in Anatolii Vinogradov 's The Black Consul , influenced as well by John Vandercook 's Black Majesty.\n", "\n", "Turkey's Erdogan offers to help West Africa fight terrorism \n", "\n", "All girls are iron man. Fe=Iron Male=Man\n", "\n", "[Preparing for rap battle]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *scribbling in notebook* any chance your mom is from Nantucket?\n", "\n", "The Remedy Is Worse Than The Disease\n", "\n", "Me: Whoa that’s the craziest beyblade I’ve ever seen\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Rabbi: That’s a dreidel\n", "\n", "Me: If the plural of mouse is mice and the plural of louse is lice, then how come the plural of spouse isn’t spice?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Freaky-ass Mormon: Oh, my man, but it is\n", "\n", "He That Knows Nothing Doubts Nothing\n", "\n", "How does an eskimo build his house? Igloos it.\n", "\n", "Brexit could shrink UK's financial services industry - BlackRock:\n", "\n", "I thought pineapple was supposed to make your cum taste better?? This tasted awful\n", "\n", "After being signed to signed to Sony Music Japan , she recorded and released her first single , `` Brand New Day '' on June 19 , 1999 to much critical acclaim.\n", "\n", "Obama proposes $4.1 trillion spending plan in final White House budget: \n", "\n", "please enjoy these heavily cropped photos of a friend of mine who works at a bat sanctuary carrying bats around in her pocket\n", "\n", "Asia shares fall sharply amid China confusion \n", "\n", "Niger president Issoufou to face run-off election \n", "\n", "Pakistani police free Afghan ex-governor kidnapped in Islamabad \n", "\n", "What do you call a fish without an eye? A fsh.\n", "\n", "FBI moves in on last four occupiers at Oregon wildlife refuge \n", "\n", " Sources close to Martin O'Malley reporting that he will suspend his campaign tonight. \n", "\n", "Asia rises after cold spell lifts oil, dollar stands tall: \n", "\n", " Philadelphia Phillies player Ryan Howard sues Al Jazeera America over alleged defamation: court filing\n", "\n", "Criteriums are relatively easy to organize , do not require a large amount of space , and are good for live spectators as they allow them to see the riders pass by many times.\n", "\n", "Today I broke my personal record of consecutive days alive!\n", "\n", "According to Asus , the name Eee derives from `` the three Es , '' an abbreviation of its advertising slogan for the device : `` Easy to learn , Easy to work , Easy to play ''.\n", "\n", "I never question myself. Why should I start now?\n", "\n", "I just dropped my iPhone in the bath. It's syncing.\n", "\n", "it should be illegal to like harry potter after the age of 18. smoke a fucking cigarette\n", "\n", "When life gives Charlie Sheen lemons, he fucks them and gives them lemon-aids\n", "\n", "I told my new yoga teacher I was an expert. She asked me to show the class a very advanced pose. This put me in a difficult position.\n", "\n", " Immigrants arrested in U.S. raids say were misled on right to counsel \n", "\n", "Early symptoms include headache , a thick-feeling tongue , thirst , sweating , and vomiting.\n", "\n", "A time period is sorted according to its start , and time periods with the same starting moment are in order of descending length : a year comes before its first month ; a month comes before its first day.\n", "\n", "The last time I wore a princess skirt out of the house I felt so cute and pretty until a seagull at the beach stole my hotdog so I was standing on the boardwalk shouting at a bird\n", "\n", "Spain's lack of government could hurt reforms, sentiment: EU Commission: \n", "\n", "This kid being pushed on the swings really needs to stop yelling \"harder, daddy\" or I'mma have to take an adult time out in the park bathroom\n", "\n", "Went for a job as a potato packer. Ended up getting the sack.\n", "\n", "In Day 1 , many of the Nakúm men were sick after the hike , and had a tough time recovering.\n", "\n", "One of the first records of `` Brunello '' was a red wine that was made in the Montalcino area in the early 14th century.\n", "\n", "`` Nothing to Say '' was Soundgarden 's first B-side , released on the `` Hunted Down '' single.\n", "\n", "genie: i shall grant you three wishes\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i wish my dog could talk\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "genie: done\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [petting my dog] hey buddy you've got two wishes\n", "\n", "For all the things done in its name, Love should complain more about identity theft.\n", "\n", "I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.\n", "\n", "To Buy A Pig In A Poke\n", "\n", "Gunmen seize weapons in armory raid in Burkina Faso \n", "\n", "The general rule involves two teams made from two up to five players each.\n", "\n", "Now or never: Trump's 'wall' talk sparks migrant rush on U.S.-Mexico border: \n", "\n", "U.S. Secretary of State says confident Syria talks can proceed \n", "\n", "Muskrats spend much of their time in the water and are well suited for their semi-aquatic life , both in and out of water . Muskrats can swim under water for 12 to 17 minutes.\n", "\n", "Justice Dept. sues Ferguson, Missouri, to force police reforms: \n", "\n", "I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, \"Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!\" I said, \"Wow!\" Her friend said, \"She means 666-3629.\"\n", "\n", "China denounces 'irresponsible' U.S. official's remarks on North Korea \n", "\n", "Disney employee: I’m sorry sir, but you’ve been banned from the Jungle Cruise\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Axl Rose: *whispering* You’re gonna die\n", "\n", "What happens if a book on how to fail, sells? Is it now a success?\n", "\n", "Without histones , the unwound DNA in chromosomes would be very long.\n", "\n", "U.S. sanctions on Russia don't affect use of Russian rocket engines: Pentagon \n", "\n", "I saw a midget dressed like Hitler yesterday and I thought.. \"that's a little racist\".\n", "\n", "Penny-Wise And Pound-Foolish\n", "\n", "Like Castro , Khrushchev felt that a U.S. invasion of Cuba was imminent , and that to lose Cuba would do great harm to the communist cause , especially in Latin America.\n", "\n", "The couple had two children , Millard Powers Fillmore and Mary Abigail Fillmore.\n", "\n", "A mute incontinent. Goes without saying.\n", "\n", "What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant\n", "\n", "Blatter to attend appeal hearing on Feb 16: FIFA \n", "\n", "Suicide attacks west of Baghdad kill eight: sources \n", "\n", "My girlfriend is piñata. I dont think things are gonna work out cause guys keep hitting on her.\n", "\n", "Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.\n", "\n", "What goes up must come down\n", "\n", "Dinosaur Scientist: so uhhh, there's a pretty big asteroid that we should do something about\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dinosaur CEO: would fixing it help my profits?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Scientist: ... Not exactly\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[Later]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dinosaur Politician: the asteroid is a hoax made up by Dinosaur China\n", "\n", "Kindness is the key, you stupid fucking asshole.\n", "\n", "Precisely.\n", "\n", "Saudi says to work with oil producers to limit market volatility: \n", "\n", "The US military government gives its approval.\n", "\n", "[playing Clue]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "it was cholesterol\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "in the kitchen\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "with a bacon double cheeseburger\n", "\n", "You ever get so high that you realize weed is bad for you\n", "\n", "I genuinely hope I haven't ruined his birthday\n", "\n", "lI'm not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.\n", "\n", "The Fat Is In The Fire\n", "\n", "Some monosaccharides have a sweet taste.\n", "\n", "The building still stands today and is.\n", "\n", "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.\n", "\n", "Ukraine military reports highest daily death toll since November \n", "\n", "The slipper lobsters are their next closest relatives , and these two or three families make up the Achelata.\n", "\n", "There aren’t nearly enough acting things with Alan Tudyk in them\n", "\n", "how has this show not been canceled yet\n", "\n", "Me: Ah, the elusive white penny\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Cashier: That’s a button\n", "\n", "Today , the stadium has an unbalanced look about it , with one large stand contrasting with three smaller stands.\n", "\n", "Gas only a stopgap for UK without carbon capture - report \n", "\n", "my wife *lowers sunglasses* who I am btw\n", "\n", "FTSE pulled lower by financial stocks including Hargreaves Lansdown: \n", "\n", "The name Weinfelden is first documented in 838.\n", "\n", "What did the sea say to boat? Nothing it just waved.\n", "\n", "\"What's the definition of anxiety?\" \r\n", "\"The half of the time when you're worried about the other half of the time.\"\n", "\n", "I have brain damage & the worst sense of direction. Whenever I get lost, I start talking to the prettiest girl I can find so my wife will suddenly show up to take me home\n", "\n", "Ueno Park is also home to many homeless people.\n", "\n", "Guy on the bus keeps looking at the toast crumbs in my hair. This is how sex starts.\n", "\n", "The only reason why the postal service is still around is letters to Santa.\n", "\n", "NBA commissioner: with the number 1 pick in the draft the new orleans pelicans select..one pepperoni pizza? i think i got someone's lunch order instea- [giant pepperoni pizza is already walking on stage]\n", "\n", "Folks, @steak_umm referred to me as queen and @CornNuts followed me. I CANNOT BE STOPPED.\n", "\n", "Viagra won't make you James Bond but it will make you Roger Moore.\n", "\n", "The first half of the draft was televised live on TNN for two hours , as part of WWE 's flagship program , Raw.\n", "\n", "Norway won the most medals , the first time a country other than the USSR had done so since the USSR first entered the Winter Games in 1956.\n", "\n", "Futons must be aired in sunlight regularly , especially if not put away during the day.\n", "\n", "They choose to come to London , as so many have come before because they come to be free , they come to live the life they choose , they come to be able to be themselves.\n", "\n", "Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes away. We have got to put an end to this!\n", "\n", "Credit Suisse reports first full-year loss since 2008: \n", "\n", "Many of the words in the modern Indo-European languages seem to have derived from such `` protowords '' via regular sound changes.\n", "\n", "Wine is an alcoholic beverage.\n", "\n", "doctor: in my 24 years as a doctor I have never seen anything like this\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *showing him Cars 3* it's pretty bad, right?\n", "\n", "My wife does not give a shit about the celebs\n", "\n", "Brazilians clash after questioning of ex-President suspended \n", "\n", "Relationships are a lot like algebra.Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?\n", "\n", "Scorpio: We’re not going to sugar-coat this, you’re going to have to fight a goose for your lunch this week.\n", "\n", "Home to millions of species , including humans , Earth is the only place in the Universe where life is known to exist.\n", "\n", "me: [in the pool with a t-shirt on] you’ll be hearing from my lawyer\n", "\n", " Saudi Arabia to halt flights, trade with Iran - minister \n", "\n", "After seven years the children have the right to live with the father or the mother , as they decide.\n", "\n", "UK's Fallon says disturbed by Russian air strikes in Syria \n", "\n", "me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony\n", "\n", "In practice such penal colonies may be little more than slave communities.\n", "\n", "Kitty Pryde was one of the main characters in Whedon 's run on Astonishing X-Men.\n", "\n", "me: [dead in the morgue] *one leg sticking out of bodybag*\n", "\n", "German far-right's language is close to that of Nazis, Gabriel says \n", "\n", "In December 2006 , she married her long time business manager and friend , Paul Truong.\n", "\n", "Who is Julian Assange? Watch this refresher: \n", "\n", "some personal and exciting news: i've had enough\n", "\n", "[spelling bee]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "moderator: your word is abandon\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: can you use it in a sentence?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "moderator: everyone you love will abandon you \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: omg\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "moderator: lol no not even close\n", "\n", "Francis I had become a close friend.\n", "\n", "Along with Girls Aloud 's first three studio albums , The Sound of Girls Aloud was released to the US iTunes Store on 26 June 2007.\n", "\n", "In 1912 the company 's name was changed to The Encyclopedia Press.\n", "\n", "It’s weird how no one knows how to dance yet everyone thinks they’re good at sex\n", "\n", "even i have questions about this tweet\n", "\n", "Australia announces voting reforms, signaling possible early polls \n", "\n", "My imaginary friends are real. They just happen to be friends with other people except me.\n", "\n", "Siemens to buy CD-adapco for close to $1 billion: source \n", "\n", "save a cowboy, fuck a horse no wait I messed it up\n", "\n", "Millions of people turned into billions of dollars - and Europe can’t control it\n", "\n", "\"Wanna take this outside?\" I say, spinning my nunchucks. Nana backs down. As usual.\n", "\n", "First person to get stoned: h-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Medusa:\n", "\n", "James is described as one of the first disciples to join Jesus.\n", "\n", "hoping all nursing students ace their finals so they can all graduate and shut up\n", "\n", "To Go For Wool And Come Home Shorn\n", "\n", "Some people have a way with words, Others not have way.\n", "\n", "Brazil police probe possible Odebrecht bribes to Peru president \n", "\n", "Lionel Messi goes up girl in a club and says \"Get your coat, you've pulled\" she replies \"Wow, you're a little forward\"\n", "\n", "A stick generally refers to a long , slender piece of wood , usually a branch from a tree without the leaves that may be refined.\n", "\n", "When it became clear that at that rate and depth production of the encyclopedia would never come to an end , it was decided to limit its extent.\n", "\n", "What have David Beckham and Ferrero Rocher got in common? They both come in a posh box.\n", "\n", "Suicide bomb in Afghan capital targets journalists, killing seven people: \n", "\n", "What do you call a boat that gives fresh breath? A Shipmint! \n", "\n", "I'm making a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.\n", "\n", "9 out of 10 doctors recommended for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in flint michigan\n", "\n", "They named their new discovery Vinland.\n", "\n", "“OK men, spread out.”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“Oat?”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“What?”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“Spread oats?”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“Spread out.”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“One oat?”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“Dammit.”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.\n", "\n", "Jules is married to Jacqueline Longa , with two children.\n", "\n", "Two fish in a tank. One says to the other; \"You man the guns and I'll drive\"\n", "\n", "Woman who accused Bill Clinton of assault to campaign against Hillary: \n", "\n", "Air raids kill scores in ISIS-dominated Syrian provinces, monitor says \n", "\n", "Dave was left with nothing , forcing him to take up the drums.\n", "\n", "It was first documented in 1379.\n", "\n", "S&P cuts Deutsche Bank's Tier 1 securities rating to B+ from BB- \n", "\n", "My news years resolution is to save up and buy a velcro wall..and I plan on sticking to it!\n", "\n", "what’s a movie that’s objectively bad but u genuinely love that u will watch in its entirety every time u stumble upon it mine is the fifth element\n", "\n", "The filling for pyrohy may be sweet and contain cottage cheese , or fruits like apple , plums or various berries.\n", "\n", "He set major works in 1877 , one a long poem of the Maithili style pioneered by Vidyapati.\n", "\n", "Every time I get undress in the bathroom the shower gets turned on.\n", "\n", "Hard Rock Cafe fetes 45 years with London memorabilia exhibit \n", "\n", "UK Foreign Secretary calls U.N. Assange report 'ridiculous' \n", "\n", "However , Google continues to index the new page content under the old page name , apparently regarding the new page as a more-recent duplicate.\n", "\n", "FTSE recovers slightly but remains near three-year lows: \n", "\n", "for those outside London who might be wondering, Boris Johnson was a really, really shit mayor.\n", "\n", "There was a young Man from Peru, whose limerick stopped at line two.\n", "\n", "mechanic: you used subpar fuel which corroded your injectors and intake manifold\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: uhh english bro\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "mechanic: low quality gas damaged your engine\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: dumb it down for me kemosabe\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "mechanic: bad go-go juice make your vroom vroom machine all fucky\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: oh no\n", "\n", "Sometimes, I think I have my life together, and then I spill a bottle of water in my purse.\n", "\n", "Although two newspapers reported Kelly 's last words as `` Such is life '' , another source , Kelly 's gaol warden , wrote in his diary that when Kelly was prompted to say his last words , the prisoner opened his mouth and mumbled something that he couldn't hear.\n", "\n", "Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That's about $1,324 per word. \"Wow\" was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter\n", "\n", "I've taken up speed reading. I can read 'War and Peace' in 20 seconds. It's only 3 words but it's a start.\n", "\n", "YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you\n", "\n", "Most nations in Americas have laws that can suppress journalism: report \n", "\n", "I was going to sue a neurosurgeon, but then he changed my mind.\n", "\n", "\"Why did the bread cross the road. Because it was yeasty!\"\n", "\n", "We could learn alot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us...\n", "\n", "My gf broke up with me, saying \"You believe you're a Transformer. It's stupid.\" I said, \"But, I can change!\" She said, \"There you go again!\"\n", "\n", "The title , recreated specifically for Whedon , has been one of Marvel 's best-selling comics as of 2006 and was nominated for several Eisner Awards including Best Serialized Story , Best Continuing Series , Best New Series and Best Writer , winning the Best Continuing Series award in 2006.\n", "\n", "There is a debate on the origins of Kirby 's name . One widespread view is that Kirby adopted his Western name from the Kirby Corporation , a vacuum cleaner manufacturer , which would best describe Kirby 's abilities.\n", "\n", "Take it easy and look back over the life of Glenn Frey of the Eagles: 1948 - 2016 \n", "\n", "chris hemsworth is so sexy\n", "\n", "In 1888 Georges Head was chosen as the best place to observe and fire underwater mines , the latest in harbor defences.\n", "\n", "me when Thriller comes on: *stands up and takes off my hat*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "friend who took me to my first sporting event: no we only do that for the national anthem\n", "\n", "You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.\n", "\n", "My Grandma died on her 100th birthday. It was a real shame as we were only half way though giving her the bumps.\n", "\n", "It falls between Wednesday and Friday.\n", "\n", "Cheek Brings Success\n", "\n", "Respect Yourself, Or No One Else Will Respect You\n", "\n", "Fools And Madmen Speak The Truth\n", "\n", "She decided to release further records under her full name , Billie Piper.\n", "\n", "My driving instructor told me to wear a seatbelt or the force could throw me out of the car. I can't believe he thinks Star Wars is real.\n", "\n", "Godzilla has a dad bod\n", "\n", "See Persondata for the detailed documentation.\n", "\n", "Two Virginia Tech students appear in court over the murder of a 13-year-old girl: \n", "\n", "I’m proud of my humility.\n", "\n", "He had one younger sister , Kashmira.\n", "\n", "noah: hey little bud :) you need to be in a pair to get on the ark\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "single celled organism: oh, sorry!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "noah: no worries, just—wait what\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "double celled organism: mitosis :)\n", "\n", "The only thing that matters in a movie is whether the cast is listed alphabetically or in order of appearance. It is all a build up to that reveal.\n", "\n", "Someone threw a piece of cheese at me in the supermarket, I didn't think it was very mature.\n", "\n", "Somebody just threw a bottle of omega 3 capsules at me. I only have super fish oil injuries but I'm lucky I wasn't krilled!\n", "\n", "See the prefix index for the templates latently called by this one.\n", "\n", "assert dominance at brunch by butt chugging cold brew\n", "\n", "Peru still unclear on whether Guzman can run for president \n", "\n", "How can Congress trim the fat from Federal spending? By switching to lo-cal government.\n", "\n", "A Friend Is Never Known Till Needed\n", "\n", "Facebook: Go home, you’re drunk.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Twitter: You’re drunk. Welcome home!\n", "\n", "Germany's Gabriel calls for fewer migrants as registrations triple on year \n", "\n", "Did you hear the one about the man with 5 cocks? His underpants fit like a glove.\n", "\n", "I think I'm gonna get a cat just to blame it all the time for being a pussy.\n", "\n", "Fed owns up to global risks in statement shift \n", "\n", "What becomes shorter when you add 2 letters? Short\n", "\n", "China's yuan strengthens before annual parliament meeting \n", "\n", "I'm so sorry you're still Benstruating. Do you need a manpon? Shall I call a doctor for you? This cycle has gone on for a while. Terribly unhealthy, dontcha think?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*sips tea*\n", "\n", "I bought a waterbed in hopes that me and my girlfriend would eventually drift away.\n", "\n", "Greece snubs Austrian minister's request to visit Athens \n", "\n", "Syria opposition to meet in Riyadh, casts doubt on talks: \n", "\n", "Here is how these templates look.\n", "\n", "I have a time machine. But it only goes forward at a regular speed.\n", "\n", "How does Sean Connery shave? Ctrl+S\n", "\n", "Many protists take the form of single-celled flagellates.\n", "\n", "However , stream ciphers can be susceptible to serious security problems if used incorrectly : see stream cipher attacks - in particular , the same starting state must never be used twice.\n", "\n", "[on a tiny planet in a huge galaxy racing through an infinite universe]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "everyone saw me push that pull door and now they’ll think about it all day and laugh at me specifically\n", "\n", "Have you heard about the evil group of men who control all the world's cheese? The Hallouminati!\n", "\n", "It is well known for its wines.\n", "\n", "In later years , Hitler viewed smoking as `` decadent '' and `` the wrath of the Red Man against the White Man , vengeance for having been given hard liquor , '' lamenting that `` so many excellent men have been lost to tobacco poisoning . ''\n", "\n", "UK surveyors report surge in activity as investors try to beat tax rise: \n", "\n", "\"You should get bangs,\" Susan had told her. \"You'd look really fabulous with bangs!\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Darlene wasn’t sure just how yet, but Susan was going to pay.\n", "\n", "Vegetable: cucumber\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Vegetable being bought: newcumber\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Vegetable being eaten: chewcumber\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Vegetable getting old: ewcumber\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Vegetable in my bum: poocumber\n", "\n", "Firming U.S. inflation keeps Fed rate hike on the table\n", "\n", "I never finish anyth\n", "\n", "What's the best cheese to use if you want to lure a bear out the woods? Camembert.\n", "\n", "Do you know when you are in hospital, your friends ask: Hi, how are you dear?\r\n", "But your best friends ask: Hey buddy, how is the nurse?\n", "\n", "hello\n", "\n", "Knock, knock. Who's there? Nobel. Nobel who? No bell so I had to knock.\n", "\n", "What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic\n", "\n", "Our ice cream man was found slumped in his van, covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.\n", "\n", "My grandfather gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. He said \"It's worth spending money on a good set of speakers\"\n" ] }, { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "\n", "See also List of places within Luton.\n", "\n", "I DOUBT IT WILL BREAK THE MACHINE\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"I'm getting the manager\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "yeah go do that\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[manager comes out] you the guy asking about a big mac mcflurry?\n", "\n", "Older children could continue in other communist organizations , but that would typically be done only by a limited number of people.\n", "\n", "What do you call a black man who fixes your toilet? You call him a plumber you racist!\n", "\n", "After twenty-eight days at sea , balsam in the ship 's cargo caught fire and the crew was forced to abandon ship.\n", "\n", "There aren’t nearly enough acting things with Alan Tudyk in them\n", "\n", "U.S., allies conduct 16 strikes against Islamic State: U.S. military \n", "\n", "To let the Jews to participate in public life is dangerous : throw a piece of mud in a glass of the clearest water - then all the water will be puddled.\n", "\n", "He was baptized the same day.\n", "\n", "For example , tumbling head over heels all the way across the ring from a simple punch would be an over-sell.\n", "\n", "I'm against public protests, but I don't know how to show it.\n", "\n", "Let's face it, if Shakespeare were here right now... there'd be some asshole correcting his grammar.\n", "\n", "People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.\n", "\n", "Why are hurricanes names after women? Because at first they are wet and wild, then take your home and cars away.\n", "\n", "it's a good thing dogs do not know they are filled with bones i feel like that would fuck up their whole vibe\n", "\n", "I love playing that game where you knock on people's door and run away. It's called Yodel.\n", "\n", "I was trying to fix my computer when I got a bad shock off the processor. It megaHz.\n", "\n", "Merkel urges better protection of EU external borders \n", "\n", "More Americans quitting jobs as labor market strengthens \n", "\n", "The Pitcher Goes Often To The Well But Is Broken At Last\n", "\n", "Kahn has produced work in various media but is best known for his work in public radio.\n", "\n", "Geography means nothing when you find your people.\n", "\n", "My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day. Now they just call me Dav.\n", "\n", "The rationals are a densely ordered set : between any two rationals , there sits another one , in fact infinitely many other ones.\n", "\n", "The breeding program produced 76 kittens in the first three years - 42 with folded ears and 34 with straight ears.\n", "\n", "Merkel is the first woman , the first East German and the first scientist to be chancellor as well as the youngest post-war German chancellor.\n", "\n", "Culver was born in Washington , D.C..\n", "\n", "Fitting room attendant: can I help you?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me [holding a diva cup]: I'd like to try this on\n", "\n", "The Busiest Man Finds The Most Leisure\n", "\n", "I just found out my girlfriend has 50,000 bees. I think she's a keeper.\n", "\n", "[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "the antelopes: wait, the what now?\n", "\n", "I went to a seafood disco last week. Pulled a mussel.\n", "\n", "Navy says shots fired at Naval Medical Center San Diego \n", "\n", "Looking back at the Charlie Hebdo attack, one year later: \n", "\n", "Among men, length of marriage correlates positively with hair loss.\n", "\n", "Here are 12 facts about the Zika virus as the outbreak spreads: \n", "\n", "Campaign for Brexit takes 6-point drop: YouGov poll for Times \n", "\n", "Today , practically all seismograms are recorded digitally to make analysis by computer easier.\n", "\n", "When is it bad luck to have a black cat cross your path? When you're a mouse.\n", "\n", "China shares subdued as economic news disappoints \n", "\n", "I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do\n", "\n", "Drive defensively - buy a tank.\n", "\n", "My girlfriend is a porn star. She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.\n", "\n", "nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "astronaut: moon's haunted\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "nasa employee: what? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon's haunted\n", "\n", "My great granddad perished on the sinking of the Titanic..he had a heart attack in The movies last week.\n", "\n", "Unpaid and angry, some Chinese workers ditch holidays to protest \n", "\n", "British lawmakers debate banning Trump after Muslim comments \n", "\n", "U.S., China agree on draft North Korea sanctions resolution at U.N.: envoys \n", "\n", "The inventor of autocorrect went from zero to hero in a matter of seconds.\n", "\n", "How do you fix a massive violin? Chellotape\n", "\n", "\"GO! GO! GO!\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, throwing myself into the car after dropping something off quickly at my Mom's house.\n", "\n", "However , Mayor Lacson did not live to see the realization of his dream as he died of a heart attack.\n", "\n", "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.\n", "\n", "Opportunity once knocked..but you don't want to know what it left.\n", "\n", "Tomorrow: A mystical land where 99% of all human productivity, motivation, and achievement is stored.\n", "\n", "Easy Come, Easy Go\n", "\n", "Egypt's Sisi says Russian plane was brought down by terrorists \n", "\n", "[to my students] mistakes are how we learn \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[to myself] you stupid fuckin moron\n", "\n", "Voyager 2 also discovered auroras , like on Earth , but much more complex.\n", "\n", "Do you agree with Apple’s decision to oppose a court order to unlock an iphone? See the poll \n", "\n", "Me: Roast me.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Friend: Sometimes yo-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *sobbing* fuck you\n", "\n", "Me: *lifting my shirt to reveal the limerick tattooed on my lower back* well, I guess the joke’s on me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Her:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Her: what rhymes with “divorce”\n", "\n", "These two factors combine to make Kota Kinabalu one of the fastest growing cities in Malaysia.\n", "\n", "Blind Men Can Judge No Colours\n", "\n", "If You Throw Mud Enough, Some Of It Will Stick\n", "\n", "Males have one Y chromosome and one X chromosome , while females have two X chromosomes.\n", "\n", "I'm only gay because I left my Facebook open in high school and someone made my status \"I like dicks\" and I was too polite to correct them.\n", "\n", "I was at the ATM when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance so I pushed her over.\n", "\n", "Water leaving the wheel or turbine is drained through a tail race , but this channel may also be the head race of yet another wheel , turbine or mill.\n", "\n", "Quolls live both in forests and in open valley land.\n", "\n", "My crazy mate just jumped into a river in Paris. He's in Seine.\n", "\n", "me and this vending machine are very similar in the fact we both are basically empty inside, and what is there, is honestly pretty mediocre\n", "\n", "My wife has a contract to give lectures. It's called a marriage license.\n", "\n", "The main plot follows two terminally ill men on their road trip with a wish list of things to do before they `` kick the bucket . ''\n", "\n", "How do you make a dead baby float? Add 2 scoops of ice cream. \n", "\n", "House seen passing North Korea sanctions bill Friday \n", "\n", "[spelling bee]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Judge: your word is \"restaurant\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *lips on mic* can you go fuck yourself\n", "\n", "Pena was completely blind by the time he was 20.\n", "\n", "During the first election campaign in 1855 , one candidate , Daniel Cameron , rode a horse shod with solid gold horseshoes.\n", "\n", "In fact , 99 % of a tree 's mass comes from the air.\n", "\n", "Great Spenders Are Bad Lenders\n", "\n", "[first date]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: I'm really into the outdoors type.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [trying to impress] I'm homeless.\n", "\n", "In reality , Longfellow 's life was much more difficult than was assumed.\n", "\n", "The text '' '' will generate a tag which looks something like the one below.\n", "\n", "Since then he has subsequently appeared in many other films including My Best Friend 's Wedding , An Ideal Husband , The Next Best Thing and the Shrek sequels.\n", "\n", "What have women and a building society account got in common? Once you withdraw you loose interest.\n", "\n", "I can't put into words how much I love my wife. I'm illiterate!\n", "\n", "Hezbollah sees new struggle in Lebanon, denounces Saudi Arabia \n", "\n", "Syrian opposition says peace talks date remains 'hypothetical': Arabiya al-Hadath TV \n", "\n", "Scarbury 's first single , `` She Never Smiles Anymore , '' flopped , and he was soon without a record label.\n", "\n", "It was the last great work of Lange before he died , and his most famous book today.\n", "\n", "every fetus I’ve heard of knows the cure to cancer and yet when the baby arrives it doesn’t know shit smh someone lying\n", "\n", "I struggled to lift a bottle of water earlier.. It was an Evian.\n", "\n", "Ten Afghan police shot dead in insider attack-official \n", "\n", "100 people worked 16 hours a day to construct the set for the event.\n", "\n", "the film industry for women, queers, and people of colour:\n", "\n", "Nobel Peace Prize, I'd kill for one of those!\n", "\n", "This guy didn't just come to play.\n", "\n", "10 reasons I’m lazy:\r\n", "1)\n", "\n", "Old Brownsboro Place is a city in Jefferson County , Kentucky , United States.\n", "\n", "Deeds, Not Words\n", "\n", "`` All We Know '' is the third and final single from Paramore 's first studio album All We Know Is Falling.\n", "\n", "In the Tokugawa era , every neighborhood had one or two soba establishments , many also serving sake , which functioned much like modern cafes where locals would casually drop by for an informal bite to eat.\n", "\n", "Israel confirms it plans to seize West Bank land \n", "\n", "Message to my haters: I share your concerns\n", "\n", "People like you are the reason we have middle fingers.\n", "\n", "[first day as a cop]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: suspect is running nude through downtown\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dispatch: copy that\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *starts undressing*\n", "\n", "Sorry the hiatus folks. We took a 2 month vacation to be serious. We're back in full swing though.\n", "\n", "Photosynthesis occurs in two stages.\n", "\n", "Nigeria to train thousands of unemployed Delta youths \n", "\n", "Gender neutral guide\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Fireman = Firefighter\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Policeman = Policefighter\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Mailman = Mailfighter\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Fisherman = Fisherfighter\n", "\n", "Greek navy helicopter crashes in Aegean, killing three \n", "\n", "Trump says it's \"disgraceful\" for the pope to question his faith\n", "\n", "I heard a swimmer shout \"Help shark help!!\" I just laughed. I knew the shark wasn't going to help him!\n", "\n", "You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.\n", "\n", "If I do not respond to a photo of a lizard within 3 minutes you can assume I am dead.\n", "\n", "The first Harry Potter book was called The Philosopher's Stone in Britain and The Sorcerer's Stone in America. The two versions are known collectively as The Rowling Stones.\n", "\n", "`` A Moment Like This '' was its first single , followed by `` Miss Independent '' , `` Low '' , and `` The Trouble with Love Is ''.\n", "\n", "Lost Time Is Never Found Again\n", "\n", "Hurricane Bill became the first hurricane and first major hurricane of the season.\n", "\n", "My best friend ran off to become a mime, I haven't heard from him since.\n", "\n", "This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from the vegetarian club. I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.\n", "\n", "Support for early IMSAI systems continues to this day.\n", "\n", "Huxley had little formal schooling and taught himself almost everything he knew.\n", "\n", "Glenn Frey, founding member of rock band the Eagles, dead at 67 \n", "\n", "happy birthday to all dads\n", "\n", "Two RAF Typhoon fighters scrambled to intercept two Russian bombers heading towards British airspace – Ministry of Defence\n", "\n", "In the last two decades of his life , he often received requests for autographs from strangers , which he always sent.\n", "\n", "Time Warner Cable says up to 320,000 customers' data may have been stolen: \n", "\n", "The Devil Rebuking Sin\n", "\n", "A thing to ponder: if the Pope uses the restroom, is it a holy crap?\n", "\n", "Brian 's first solo album , Welcome Home was released on May 2 , 2006 , which like the Backstreet Boys projects , is a Sony BMG release.\n", "\n", "You guys ever attempt to convey an idea using a series of distinct conceptual units of language?\n", "\n", "ACE is , broadly speaking , a measure of the power of the hurricane multiplied by the length of time it existed , so storms that last a long time , as well as particularly strong hurricanes , have high ACEs.\n", "\n", "Our Editor's Choice photos of the day from around the world: \n", "\n", "Why did the duck get arrested? Because he was selling quack!\n", "\n", "With eye on Downing Street, Boris bets all on Brexit \n", "\n", "EU's real brake isn't Britain but Franco-German impasse \n", "\n", "When you really want to slap someone, do it and say \"Mosquito!!\"\n", "\n", " Families affected by ZikaVirus in Brazil. \n", "\n", "I should have known better.\n", "\n", "I told my Mum I'd made a car out of spaghetti, but she didn't believe me! Should of seen her face when I drove pasta.\n", "\n", "Best pickup line ever:\r\n", "Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?\n", "\n", "Mrs says I have a short attention spanners are great aren't they!\n", "\n", "It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.\n", "\n", "Fire is also a problem.\n", "\n", "For example , one might take all true statements about the natural numbers to be axioms.\n", "\n", "Had to put down my pal today, I just wanna share some pics so you guys can love him also\n", "\n", "U.S. says open to patrols with Philippines in waters disputed with China \n", "\n", "SAMUEL L. JACKSON AS A POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: does he look like a bitch\n", "\n", "I'm writing a joke about a guy's first day at FedEx but I just can't get the delivery right.\n", "\n", "Approximately 1,100 of his poems remain today.\n", "\n", "The months in the first half of the year all have 31 days , to take into account the slower movement of the sun across the ecliptic at this time.\n", "\n", "Clinton won't release transcripts of paid speeches until other candidates do\n", "\n", "Yo Mama is so fat that when she died and was cremated, her ash caused the cancellation of flights across Europe.\n", "\n", "How are an Arkansas Tornado and an Arkansas divorce the same? Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.\n", "\n", "Iranians vote in contest likely to shape post-sanctions era \n", "\n", "The Lyside Sulphur may be found in open , subtropical scrubs.\n", "\n", "Simon calls into the group and explains that he has planted a bomb in one of New York 's public schools , and that any radio communication may set it off.\n", "\n", "No one: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Western students:\n", "\n", "Regular back:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "-will hurt eventually\r", "\r", "\r\n", "-boring\r", "\r", "\r\n", "-stupid bones\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Backstreet's back: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "-alright\n", "\n", "Zayn scores fastest-selling single of 2016 with solo release \n", "\n", "Grandpa Never Lies is a children 's book written by Ralph Fletcher and illustrated by Harvey Stevenson.\n", "\n", "The Rotten Apple Injures Its Neighbours\n", "\n", "Over 6,800 Torres Strait Islanders live on the Islands and 42,000 live on the mainland.\n", "\n", "ME: [holding newborn son] my surname or yours?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "WIFE: how about double-barrelled\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: good idea, leave it with me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[years later]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SON: dad why is my name Brad Shotgun?\n", "\n", "For the first time , the players would be bidding for items as tribes.\n", "\n", "What's the best thing for a hangover? Drink loads the night before.\n", "\n", "Asian shares consolidate, oil swings higher \n", "\n", "Foosball: A combination of soccer and shish kabobs.\n", "\n", "I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.\n", "\n", "Mickey: welcome to my club house!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: this is incredible\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Mickey: haha! A rival gang is selling on my turf and I want them dead\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: wait what\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Mickey: you heard me\n", "\n", "A d&d game where the player characters are the golden girls\n", "\n", " Billionaire green activist Steyer says not ready to back Clinton, open to Sanders \n", "\n", "Saw a raggedly dressed boy in the street and asked if he was an orphan. \"what gave me away?\" He asked, I said, \"your parents\"\n", "\n", "My wife gave me a brochure on anger management the other day. I lost it.\n", "\n", "standing around the CVS exit comparing receipt lengths like real men\n", "\n", "I love arguing this with British people. I tell them, as a fluent Irish speaker, that the language is called Irish... And then they tell me I’m wrong. So sweet of them.\n", "\n", "Calls for more assistance for migrants and refugees: \n", "\n", "The Louisiana National Guard delivered three truckloads of water and seven truckloads of MRE 's to the Superdome , enough to supply 15,000 people for three days.\n", "\n", "If you think the page should be deleted , see this page for instructions.\n", "\n", "her: i've been ghosted before, a bad bitch keeps it moving\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [waits for her to sit down] i'm sure grandpa would have loved that eulogy, grandma\n", "\n", "Trump releases first TV ad in 2016 Republican presidential race \n", "\n", "Big TV dinners=big TVs\n", "\n", "They are born without quills , which develop in the following days . The quills are easily visible within hours of birth.\n", "\n", "These templates work similarly to and , but they don't make the template name into a link.\n", "\n", "[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*sawing person in half*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*\n", "\n", "Because you’re a pedophile?\n", "\n", "In 1973 , one of Bundy 's friends saw a pair of handcuffs in the back of Bundy 's Volkswagen.\n", "\n", "I like to get around town in a giant hamster ball. It's just how I roll.\n", "\n", "My dog went to the flea circusand stole the show.\n", "\n", "I have very low expectations; so just know if you disappoint me, you've really fucked some shit up.\n", "\n", "Kinder Morgan swings to loss on $1.15 billion charge \n", "\n", "This day is pregnant with possibilities, but I just found out they're not mine.\n", "\n", "People keep telling me I've got a good head on my shoulders..I wish they'd stop pointing out that I haven't got a neck.\n", "\n", "What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?\n", "\n", "Major 8.2 magnitude quake strikes southwest of Indonesia: USGS. \n", "\n", "If You Agree To Carry The Calf, They'll Make You Carry The Cow\n", "\n", "My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "So, I've decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Your move itches\n", "\n", "Many embraced Jacobitism because they believed parliamentary interference with monarchical succession to be illegitimate , and many Catholics hoped the Stuarts would end discriminatory laws.\n", "\n", "One Man's Meat Is Another Man's Poison\n", "\n", "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.\n", "\n", "There seems to be some misunderstanding about what a writers room is. They are, most often, a group of several writers put together to feed a sketch or ents show. This initiative is just ensuring this hiring is more gender equal. It’s a good thing. Also @bronactitley rocks!\n", "\n", "we just gonna let toby keith get away with having two first names or what\n", "\n", "One man agrees but he is tricked when he is introduced to the real boxer , a towering brute of a man.\n", "\n", "When someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.\n", "\n", "North Korea says South's pulling out of industrial zone is a 'declaration of war': \n", "\n", "Knock, Knock. Who's there? Disguise. Disguise who? Disguise d' limit !\n", "\n", "Aviation giants tread carefully in test case for post-sanctions Iran \n", "\n", "It's good for a man to have a woman that cleans, cooks, and makes you laugh. It's also good If these women do not know each other.\n", "\n", "Following this new Bieber logic I have to fight someone 31 years older than me. So Stevie Nicks, anytime you wanna go...I’m prepared to get my ass kicked.\n", "\n", "I had a guy message me saying, \" you, are stunning\" I replied, \"yes, and straight too.\"\n", "\n", "When MW3 was released in Iraq, they called it Sims.\n", "\n", "Iran signals lawyer yet to be appointed for detained Iranian-American \n", "\n", "What do terrorists do on vacation? They go waterboarding.\n", "\n", "A hypnotist once convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with the atomic number 82. I'm easily lead.\n", "\n", "Zeus appears and tells Hercules that he will only make things worse between him and Hera.\n", "\n", "European Parliament calls for release of Hong Kong booksellers \n", "\n", "Me: I’m taking the dog for a you-know-what. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Husband: a w-a-l-k?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My dog:\n", "\n", "Doctors warn of demand for 'vaginal seeding' despite thin evidence \n", "\n", "You hear a familiar melody in the air but you don't quite catch it, and then it hits you. A xylophone hits you. The marimba you just threw was trying to warn you by playing a song your father used to sing, \"Never Forget You Are Juggling When It's Idiophones.\"\n", "\n", "U.S. planned major cyber attack on Iran if diplomacy failed: NYT \n", "\n", "All of the leaders go to a counsel to discuss the feud with the Britons.\n", "\n", "Me: It’s not a doll, it’s an action figure.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HR: Fine. You can’t have a Glen from Accounting voodoo action figure impaled outside your cubicle.\n", "\n", "Vivendi in talks with beIN Sports, bids for Gameloft \n", "\n", "`` Friend Like That '' is the first single from Hawk Nelson 's third album , Hawk Nelson Is My Friend.\n", "\n", "I have brain damage & the worst sense of direction. Whenever I get lost, I start talking to the prettiest girl I can find so my wife will suddenly show up to take me home\n", "\n", "Yo Momma is so stupid she spent all day saying 'am not' to R2\n", "\n", "Trump's profanity may be fodder for rivals at Republican debate \n", "\n", "I wanked over my blind girlfriends tits yesterday. She never saw me coming.\n", "\n", "Wife said \"if u get a tattoo make sure u have it done in a place that doesn't matter\" So I'm off to Norwich...\n", "\n", "Let’s face it, we’ve all lied or cheated or held a bank manager hostage. It doesn’t make us ‘bad people.’\n", "\n", "It’s time to take it all and never give it back.\n", "\n", "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.\n", "\n", "My girlfriend just told me she's really randy.. Devastated to find out she's actually a bloke.\n", "\n", "Syrian opposition awaits U.N. response before decision to attend talks \n", "\n", "Nundle is a village in the New England region of New South Wales , Australia.\n", "\n", "I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger... and then it hit me.\n", "\n", "She tells him to go and the next day her and Iolaus set off for Alturia.\n", "\n", "Like a test tube , a cuvette may be open to the atmosphere on top or have a cap to seal it shut.\n", "\n", "Saudi warns U.N., aid workers to leave rebel-held areas in Yemen \n", "\n", "Indian villages ban single women from owning 'distracting' mobile phones \n", "\n", "Me: *sipping* Daddy needs his capri sun.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Friend: That's a box of wine.\n", "\n", "In this respect tritheism differs from dualism , which typically envisages two opposed Divine powers in conflict with one another.\n", "\n", "It sold less than half as many copies as Blood Sugar Sex Magik and received much less critical acclaim.\n", "\n", "in case the glamorous box wasn’t enough it’s also a TV SCREEN\n", "\n", "How do you piss off a female archaeologist? Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.\n", "\n", "Myanmar's outgoing president cancels visit to U.S.-ASEAN summit next week \n", "\n", "How did the burger wear it's hair? In a bun.\n", "\n", "I think men who have a pierced ear are more prepared for marriage. They've already bought jewelry and have experienced pain.\n", "\n", "Just been sacked from my job as a chef for stealing. I've always been whisk taker.\n", "\n", "Located in one of the holiest sites in the old city of Damascus , it is of great architectural importance.\n", "\n", "Ertl and his wife Barbara have two children and several grandchildren.\n", "\n", "Just As The Twig Is Bent, The Tree Is Inclined\n", "\n", "He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.\n", "\n", "But an insulting letter from Lord Orville soon opens her eyes.\n", "\n", "As your doctor I can assure you that this medication will minimize your survivor's guilt over being the only member of the death by meteors cult who was hit by a placeboid and I'll even prescribe it in delicious gummy form so you'll want to take it despite your trust issues\n", "\n", "Fire safety standards are consistent with the strict guidelines of the US National Fire Protection Association.\n", "\n", "Gun attack on Education Department in Saudi Arabia killed six employees\n", "\n", "The monster-in-chief never stopped separating families. @RAICESTEXAS is on the front lines.\n", "\n", "What's red and bad for your teeth? A house brick.\n", "\n", "Drug lord Guzman faces extradition to U.S. after lapses lead to capture \n", "\n", "Learn To Creep Before You Leap\n", "\n", "shartboy and lavatory girl\n", "\n", "Timothy returns as well.\n", "\n", "Man pulled out alive after Taiwan quake, more than 130 people still trapped \n", "\n", "Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Informant: why?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: for spilling the beans\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Informant: I didn’t-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: shut your fern gully\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Informant: what\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Informant: ok now you’re making these up\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur\n", "\n", "My mentions would suggest that today is a WONDERFUL day to re-share this sketch I co-wrote with @TonyCooked #StillPushingThatVagenda\n", "\n", "Support for Merkel rises, but doubts over refugee policy remain \n", "\n", "to this day, the boys at that used to bully me and take my lunch money still does. on the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.\n", "\n", "If steroids are illegal for athletes, Photoshop should be for models.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? American teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex.\n", "\n", "please stop criticizing the dem leadership for spinelessly shrugging off impeachment, they are engaging in complex political calculus that we couldn't possibly understand\n", "\n", "Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men will understand them.\n", "\n", "Many mosques today will put the women behind a barrier or partition or in another room against most Islamic beliefs.\n", "\n", "Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.\n", "\n", "Money can't buy happiness, but I'd much rather cry in a mansion.\n", "\n", "Yo mama is so fat on the sixth day god created her.\n", "\n", "Like most seabirds , albatrosses are K-selected with regard to their life history , meaning they live much longer than other birds , they delay breeding for longer , and invest more effort into fewer young.\n", "\n", "What's pink and invisible? This grapefruit.\n", "\n", "Kayes Region is one of eight first level national subdivisions , called Regions in Mali.\n", "\n", "By default time periods are sorted according to their end date.\n", "\n", "Myanmar presidential vote set for March 17 as transition talks drag on \n", "\n", "One end of this type of wormhole is a black hole , drawing in matter , and the other is a white hole , emitting matter.\n", "\n", " Insurance broker Acrisure explores $2 billion sale - sources \n", "\n", "The invisible man married the invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at.\n", "\n", "Something impossible is just something that no one has done yet.\n", "\n", "Why don't snakes have balls? Because they're terrible dancers.\n", "\n", "Knock, knock. Who's there? Hatch. Hatch who? Bless you!\n", "\n", "Kroger in bid to acquire Fresh Market - sources \n", "\n", "A Sound Mind In A Sound Body\n", "\n", "Shout out to my boy Brian for saving 18 lives yesterday. Saved 2 cats from a tree.\n", "\n", "me, getting tempted into a kiss but then remembering we’re not married and i just did a sin\n", "\n", "lmao Bill Maher went on a rant about how \"SJWs\" keep demanding apologies like over Biden's recent remarks praising segregationists, but then immediately afterwards he demands the same of AOC for her use of \"concentration camps\". Watch how he responds when he's called out on it:\n", "\n", "Bakeries in Retie are very good.\n", "\n", "Brazil enlists army, cabinet in campaign against Zika \n", "\n", "Asia stocks hit four-year trough as oil spirals lower \n", "\n", "The signs of a stroke\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Aries: slurred speech\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Taurus: uneven movement\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Gemini: overactive reflex\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Cancer: confusion\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Leo: discordination\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Virgo: Vertigo\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Libra: elevated heart rate\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Scorpio: blurred vision\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Sagittarius: eye twitch\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Capricorn: headache \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Aquarius: numbness\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Pisces: paralysis\n", "\n", "The club has only ever played one home fixture at another venue.\n", "\n", "The first fossils of modern cockroaches with internal ovipositors appear in the early Cretaceous.\n", "\n", "Breaking News: A mass fight has broken out in a petrol station. 23 People arrested in Total.\n", "\n", "It is best known for its spectacular skill at hunting birds , able to snatch a bird in flight , sometimes more than one at a time.\n", "\n", "Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Professor: That's him, officers\n", "\n", "What happened to the two ants who got into a fight on a toilet seat? They got pissed off. \n", "\n", "Your mommas so fat, she uses Google++++\n", "\n", "What did the Mexican say when he was upset? I don't want to taco bout it because it's nacho business. \n", "\n", "Protestors blockade Australian hospital treating infant asylum seeker \n", "\n", "He come to beat ya.\n", "\n", "ME: Hotdogs imply the existence of coldcats. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "WENDY'S CASHIER: shut the fuck up no it doesnt. I'm sick of you Twitter weirdos coming in here saying weird shit I dont get paid enough for this you didnt even order. get the hell out.\n", "\n", "It was here that he spent the last three years of his life , accompanied by his friend and apprentice , Count Francesco Melzi , supported by a pension totalling 10,000 scudi.\n", "\n", "What do Rhinoceroses have that no other animal on earth has? Baby Rhinoceroses.\n", "\n", "When I was a chestburster, I spoke and thought as a chestburster; but when I became a xenomorph, I put away chestburster things.\n", "\n", "Press releases have stated `` it would allow digitally literate children the access to characters and resources they had come to expect.\n", "\n", "Most of the words are the most frequently learned , most commonly used English words.\n", "\n", "One protester shot dead and eight arrested at Oregon occupation\n", "\n", "It was also the first ever episode to use the signature title sequence , as well as the first regular episode.\n", "\n", "Americans missing in Baghdad kidnapped by Iran-backed militia: U.S., Iraqi sources \n", "\n", "Fine Words Butter No Parsnips\n", "\n", "his little mouth rt if u agree\n", "\n", "Paulson slashed bullish gold bets before prices rocketed \n", "\n", "Apple CEO opposes court order to help FBI unlock iPhone \n", "\n", "Like the Nile , the Niger floods yearly ; this begins in September , peaks in November , and finishes by May.\n", "\n", "“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.\n", "\n", "Pakistan lodges case against alleged perpetrators of India air base attack \n", "\n", "Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read \"one at a time, please\"\n", "\n", "Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long if you're fat.\n", "\n", "This Feria is dedicated to sherry wine and 180,000 half bottles are drunk in 4 days.\n", "\n", "Fog collectors net scarce water in Kenya, but face a cloudy future \n", "\n", "Anyone know how long it takes this Axe body spray to get you swarms of girls? I've been drinking this stuff for weeks now.\n", "\n", "Detective: We need to make a chalk outline of the body.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *with chalk*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I. The head\r", "\r", "\r\n", " A. The face\r", "\r", "\r\n", " 1. Eyes\r", "\r", "\r\n", " 2. Nose\r", "\r", "\r\n", " 3. Mouth\r", "\r", "\r\n", " a. Teeth\n", "\n", "The door which leads to the counter has two knobs , one on the right and one on the left.\n", "\n", "Turkey's Kurdish conflict impacting Syria, migrant crises: Demirtas \n", "\n", "I can jump higher than the average house. Because the average house can't jump.\n", "\n", "Indiana 's work often consists of bold , simple , iconic images , especially numbers and short words like EAT , HUG , and , his best known example , LOVE.\n", "\n", "What did the French man say when he tripped down the stairs? \"Eiffel.\"\n", "\n", "Hong Kong riot police clash with protesters amid crackdown on street vendors \n", "\n", "Uganda's Besigye says may dispute election result with street protests \n", "\n", "Just bought a 12-ounce pound cake. How does That work?!\n", "\n", "- What's the difference between chicken and meat? If you beat your chicken it would die\n", "\n", "Blast in Istanbul tourist district kills at least 10 people: \n", "\n", "Not to sound too much like a dad but most of the NBA travels so much they could have a layover in Detroit and the ref still wouldn’t call it.\n", "\n", "Ever decide to run a red light but the guy in front of you chickens out?\n", "\n", "What's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.\n", "\n", "River 's father abandoned his wife and son when the son is three years old , he goes out to get a pizza and does not come back.\n", "\n", "A Shy Cat Makes A Proud Mouse\n", "\n", "Here's to love - the only fire for which there is no insurance.\n", "\n", "After attack, president says Kenya to remain in Somalia peace force \n", "\n", "If none of the clients are on the network the server returns an empty list.\n", "\n", "China seeks to manage economic reform expectations at G20 \n", "\n", "And I’ve got one boob in my pocket, and the other one’s giving a peace sign\n", "\n", "Crushed red peppers are often not crushed and have simply lost the will to live.\n", "\n", "NIESR estimates GDP growth slowed to 0.4 percent in January \n", "\n", "The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach\n", "\n", "Ricotta is an Italian sheep milk or cow milk whey cheese.\n", "\n", "My ex girlfriend was a girl called Anna Sthetic. She was a right knockout.\n", "\n", "High school taught me skills that I still use today like how to climb to the ceiling on a fucking rope\n", "\n", "Silence may not be golden as India's Modi lays low during unrest \n", "\n", "A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though. because nobody likes a smart-ass.\n", "\n", "At first , the dog is extremely disobedient , but , at the last minute , passes the test.\n", "\n", "Before memes we would have to hang a Ziggy cartoon in the break room and leave it there for 8 years.\n", "\n", "Several toilets were stolen last night. Police say they have nothing to go on.\n", "\n", "Me: I need to hire a person to fan me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Friend: Why not just buy an electric fan? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "M: No, That's what the machines want to start their world domination!\n", "\n", " Republican Presidential candidate Rand Paul suspends campaign for 2016 nomination - CNN\n", "\n", "my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "what scares me is that she didn’t care\n", "\n", "A dwarf got pick-pocketed the other day. How could they stoop so low?\n", "\n", "Syrian opposition says temporary truce possible, but deal seems far off \n", "\n", "Why did the blind fly starve to death? Because he couldn't see shit.\n", "\n", "FBI sets up checkpoints around Oregon refuge after confrontation turns deadly \n", "\n", "UK deal done, Merkel resets sights on EU migrant plan with Turkey \n", "\n", "Thai junta pressures Facebook, Line to censor online posts \n", "\n", "Saludos Amigos was popular enough that Walt Disney decided to make another film about Latin America , The Three Caballeros , to be produced two years later.\n", "\n", "I was wondering if anyone could tell me which channel I could find the Women's FA Cup Final on? I've already checked cooking and comedy...\n", "\n", "U.S. says has no reason to doubt North Korea army chief executed \n", "\n", "StanChart's landmark bid to claw back bonuses faces legal quagmire \n", "\n", "Opal was the first O name to be retired.\n", "\n", "her: it’s the third date\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: you know what that means \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: yep ;) \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: we’re gonna steal the declaration of independence\n", "\n", "Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today. Lifeguard shouted so loud, I almost fell in...\n", "\n", "By May 1865 , Ben Hall had decided to escape from New South Wales.\n", "\n", "Abigail was born in Stillwater , New York , 1798 , in Saratoga County , New York.\n", "\n", "How do you make antifreeze? Hide her cardigan.\n", "\n", "I told my cat I was going to teach him to speak English. He looked at me and said \"Me how?\"\n", "\n", "Thus one trial may work to dissuade a bird from several species of butterfly which all fly the same ` flag '.\n", "\n", "Lost an hour. Bet it's somewhere with my keys.\n", "\n", "Did you know that some saltwater crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet! But most only have 4.\n", "\n", "Rachel becomes the new Oracle and spouts another Great Prophecy.\n", "\n", "People! People, people, people! I ain't talking about Jaws. Jaws is a masterpiece. I thought the whole world was in agreement about that... or is this another thing tearing this country apart?\n", "\n", "fun money saving tips:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- go out less\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- cancel credit cards\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- sell your belongings\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- eat less food\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- die\n", "\n", "Love that Roy Moore is forcing himself on people who don't want him there, shows a real consistency\n", "\n", "I will never be as passionate about anything as 70’s film foley artists were about very clacky footsteps.\n", "\n", "Harry Potter at an interview \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Harry: That’s correct, sir.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.\n", "\n", "What do you call a pig with three eyes. Piiig.\n", "\n", "Especially in cold places! When I’m in someplace like Chicago or Toronto and there’s no hook I’m like WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU PUT YOUR COATS\n", "\n", "Other examples of words like these are shown in the table.\n", "\n", "A person who was born on February 29 may be called a `` leapling ''.\n", "\n", "We shot this video on Monday.\n", "\n", "kangaroos are wild. Imagine if a horse just started walking about on its back legs all day. it has a pocket! then it starts boxing\n", "\n", "Flight CH002. Charlie just walks/runs/swims normally , and then this weekend- majestic flight over ice TWICE\n", "\n", "What do hippies do if the trees hug back?\n", "\n", "Just sitting here pondering the sacred mystery of my frozen meal - an enigmatic substance that is 100% sodium and also not salty enough\n", "\n", "Kremlin critic Mikhail Kasyanov says life threatened in Moscow incident \n", "\n", "Brazil confirms Zika infection from a blood transfusion: \n", "\n", "The rise in land prices has led to development of new condominiums.\n", "\n", "What's worse than a cardboard box? Paper tits.\n", "\n", "Later , Rice-Oxley would give Chaplin after-school piano lessons.\n", "\n", "All I could remember is that we messed up the end of Bogus Journey in the script, and that at one point we had something better, though I forgot what it was. Here is the great @winter explaining to me what I'd forgotten.\n", "\n", "Let him who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.\n", "\n", "How does a politician sleep? First he lies on one side then he lies on the other.\n", "\n", "Goolwa was Australia 's first inland port.\n", "\n", "Start times on holidays may vary.\n", "\n", "What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Punch her in the face\n", "\n", "[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.\n", "\n", "Broken Quiz Machine For Sale: No questions asked.\n", "\n", "Winning $1.6 billion Powerball tickets sold in three states: lottery officials \n", "\n", "my 3-year-old: what’s lava?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: it’s the super hot melted rock inside our planet. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: super hot like the sun?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: no, the sun is way hotter!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: and you could fit a million earths inside the sun?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: that’s right. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: why don’t we?\n", "\n", "The next prime is three.\n", "\n", "I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.\n", "\n", "I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out. I was like OMg.\n", "\n", "Born in Leicester , he started to learn the piano around the age of six.\n", "\n", "Washington has been awarded three Golden Globe awards and two Academy Awards for his work . He is notable as the second African American man to win the Academy Award for Best Actor , which he received for his role in the 2001 film Training Day.\n", "\n", "U.S. to withhold some Clinton emails with top secret information \n", "\n", "Looking forward to the day when my to-do list becomes my ta-da! list.\n", "\n", "You think I'm funny now? Just wait until I'm day drinking at your bridal shower.\n", "\n", "What do you call an obese Arab? Yafat Fuqa.\n", "\n", "Germany says credibility of Minsk peace deal for eastern Ukraine at stake \n", "\n", "Frozen sculptures are okay..Icy pose.\n", "\n", "waiter: here's your bill\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *checking pockets* this is so embarrassing \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: you forgot your wallet?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: no, my pants are inside out\n", "\n", "It is easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission.\n", "\n", "also did I mention they're FLOWY\n", "\n", "Some sources incorrectly give his name as Olin Jenck Eggen.\n", "\n", "It's hard to explain how good my ability to describe things is.\n", "\n", "Ranks of U.S. centenarians growing rapidly: report \n", "\n", "*Macy Gray voice*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I try to say goodbye and I choke \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "On a bite of blueberry crumble\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Though I try to hide it, it’s clear\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My face is red from holding back tears\n", "\n", "Why do bulimics like KFC? It comes with a free bucket.\n", "\n", "Alex Rocco makes his first of three guest appearances as Roger Meyers , Jr.\n", "\n", "It is also the digital radio home for Test Match Special , which provides full commentary without the shipping forecast included on the Radio 4 long wave coverage.\n", "\n", "Nobody:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: We all have this tiny memory of being safe, warm, and cared for, before we are violently expelled into the world. We spend our lives trying to find that again, because our first feeling after being born, must be utter terror.\n", "\n", "Very little is known of his life , but he is assumed to have been born and died in Middelburg.\n", "\n", "\"Do you like to swim?\" I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.\n", "\n", "During a lecture on India, the teacher said a woman gives birth every 10 seconds in the country. A kid stood up and said, we gotta stop her!\n", "\n", "The main idea is that this category should cover enough main topics so that every single article would fit into at least one of the topics shown here.\n", "\n", "I don't know why people want white iPhones... Everyone knows blacks run faster than whites.\n", "\n", "WE ADOPTED A DOG Y'ALL This is Daisy. Her last owners were keeping her in a crate in their garage day and night \"because of allergies\" with no one to pet or play with her. It was heartbreaking. She is the most darling, sweet pup and I'm so, so thankful \n", "\n", "Closing borders to Balkans would cause major crisis in Greece: minister \n", "\n", "Some Taliban factions consider joining peace process, others opposed \n", "\n", "Boy, I’m gonna give you a hand job so dry, it will sound like two pieces of styrofoam rubbing together.\n", "\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My wife:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: (stands up)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: While you’re up....\n", "\n", "Why President Obama’s $30 stake in the gun industry matters.\n", "\n", "Robert Kubica is the first Polish racing driver to compete in Formula One.\n", "\n", "South Korea president vows more action on North Korea after rocket launch \n", "\n", "Many mud volcanoes exist on the shores of the Black Sea and Caspian Sea.\n", "\n", "I'm going to take that as a compliment because I wasn't really listening.\n", "\n", "Netflix swept up in market rout despite strong subscriber signups \n", "\n", "Much of the crew 's work consists of cargo runs or smuggling.\n", "\n", "All Is Fish That Comes To His Net\n", "\n", "The plant species are spread by birds.\n", "\n", "The old synagogue was a former church.\n", "\n", "Little Knowledge Is A Dangerous Thing\n", "\n", "Voyager 2 discovered an anticyclone called the Great Dark Spot , similar to Jupiter 's Great Red Spot and Little Red Spot.\n", "\n", "I'm on a diet where I eat everything and hope for a miracle.\n", "\n", "U.N. expects breaches of Syria truce, urges restrained response \n", "\n", "If the new page name is occupied by a redirect that has only one edit in its history and targeted to the old page name , it is replaced by the page being moved.\n", "\n", "Two inmates escaped from prison, one is 6'9 the other is 3'4. Police are hunting high and low.\n", "\n", "Like Mother , Mother 3 has only a loose connection to EarthBound , starring new characters , though it does include several returning characters . A collection of Mother and EarthBound was released in Japan under the title Mother 1 + 2.\n", "\n", "This company was well known for its sandal and flip flop selection.\n", "\n", "Sled dogs , known also as sleightman dogs , sledge dogs , or sleddogs are types of dogs that are used to pull a wheel-less vehicle on runners over snow or ice , by means of harnesses and lines.\n", "\n", "Similar to other summer-themed events , Independence Day celebrations often take place outdoors.\n", "\n", "What does the sign of an out of business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.\n", "\n", "I'm on a whisky diet. Last week I lost three days!\n", "\n", "Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of boats? If they fell forwards they would still be in the boat. \n", "\n", "If you use the words summer and winter as verbs, you get the 70% marginal tax rate.\n", "\n", "To Wash One's Dirty Linen In Public\n", "\n", "U.S.-led air strikes have helped force ISIS to halve fighters' pay: senior U.S official. \n", "\n", "Often they are ordinary New Latin words , but they may also come from Ancient Greek , from a place , from a person , a name from the local language etc..\n", "\n", "you ever think about how stupid it is to be working while we're accelerating toward a mass extinction event? doesn't it feel like we should be doing something...else?\n", "\n", "A trading post is a place or establishment where the trading of goods takes place.\n", "\n", "Man sought by Israel dies at Palestinian mission in Bulgaria \n", "\n", "What's gray, full of cement, and howls at the moon? A coyote (I just added the cement to make it harder).\n", "\n", "Central European Time , used in most European and some North African countries , is one of the names of the time zone that is 1 hour ahead of Coordinated Universal Time , with a time offset of UTC +1.\n", "\n", "HSBC effectively scraps pay rise for managers at UK retail bank - source \n", "\n", "Umberto Eco, Italian author of 'The Name of the Rose,' dies at 84 \n", "\n", "No Sweet Without (Some) Sweat\n", "\n", "Two has many properties in mathematics.\n", "\n", "I. The Captain is to have two full Shares ; the Master is to have one Share and one Half ; The Doctor , Mate , Gunner and Boatswain , one Share and one Quarter.\n", "\n", "Raisin bread is a bread that contains raisins.\n", "\n", "The new stadium took its name from the street , which encloses the ground on three sides , the fourth being the river.\n", "\n", "[arriving in hell]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i didn't know i'd have to wear what i died in forever\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "satan: where did you even find denim underwear\n", "\n", "This is the material that stains one 's skin when handling KMnO4.\n", "\n", "Some scholars speculate that several copies of the Rosetta Stone must exist , as yet undiscovered , since this proclamation must have been made at many temples.\n", "\n", "My new years resolution is not to procrastinate.....oh, shoot!\n", "\n", "i don’t know why the nurse always tells me my blood pressure as if I understand it i’m not a doctor i don’t know what “260/40” or “hypertensive crisis” means\n", "\n", "Today my dog 'Minton' swallowed a shuttlecock. Bad Minton!!!\n", "\n", "Cleopas is one of the two disciples to whom the risen Lord appeared at Emmaus.\n", "\n", "Some parents believe that spanking a child is an important part of rearing a child.\n", "\n", "Insight - Slumbering Pakistani steel giant shows why state sell-offs are stalled \n", "\n", "A Good Beginning Is Half The Battle\n", "\n", "Many species are critically endangered.\n", "\n", "Sebastiano Nela , is an Italian ex-footballer who played as a full back.\n", "\n", "eve [hastily stitching a button onto adam's belly]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "adam:[scared] please hurry eve the other humans will be here soon\n", "\n", "I never wound up seeing that movie with the giant shark and I think that's okay.\n", "\n", "Why did the little girls ice cream melt? She was on fire.\n", "\n", "Real or Barcelona? Venezuela president's economy speech seen as own goal \n", "\n", "Barman: This isn't what I meant when I asked you to show me your ID\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Hulk: HULK ANGRY EITHER WAY\n", "\n", "What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? You can't milk a cow for a decade straight.\n", "\n", "A referee walked into a bar. I thought it's all gonna kick off now.\n", "\n", "This work was highly valued by many of Dee 's contemporaries , but the loss of the secret oral tradition of Dee 's milieu makes the work difficult to interpret today.\n", "\n", "Two Tickets to Paradise? Yeah, right. More like 10% off an Uber ride to Hoboken.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.\n", "\n", "I was walking by a car filled with black people. They locked the door when i came near. I felt like a bad ass until I realized it was my car\n", "\n", "BTS is a limited company wholly owned by Blackpool Borough Council , which makes it one of the few remaining municipal bus companies in the UK today.\n", "\n", "Why do women hold a grudge against you for many years if you call them fat? Because elephants never forget.\n", "\n", "A local movie theater was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise. The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.\n", "\n", "[date]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: I absolutely love Star Wars\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Oh me too\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: What's your favorite part?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war\n", "\n", " You can't always get what you want but if you’re making bread you just may find, you get what you knead.\n", "\n", "Whatever you do in life, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood...\n", "\n", "Why did the Aggie spend all night in front of the house of ill repute? He was waiting for the red light to turn green.\n", "\n", "Where can you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.\n", "\n", "Islamic State video claims to show Paris attackers \n", "\n", "Residents not part of the religious communities are required to live in the peninsula 's capital , Karyes . Most workers live at the place where they work.\n", "\n", "The cause of death was heart attack.\n", "\n", "I think the most unrealistic thing about Harry Potter is the fact a Ginger had two friends.\n", "\n", "I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack\n", "\n", "Going to church doesn't make you any more Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.\n", "\n", "So what happens if Big bird gets bankrupt and has a foreclosure? I mean.. He already lives on the street..\n", "\n", "What's a woman and KFC got in common? Once you've finished with the breast and thigh all you've got left is a greasy box to stick your bone in.\n", "\n", "Pureland origami is origami with the restriction that only one fold may be done at a time , more complex folds like reverse folds are not allowed , and all folds have straightforward locations.\n", "\n", "Britain to take in unaccompanied refugee children from conflict areas \n", "\n", "Watch President Obama's last State of the Union address at Reuters Live\n", "\n", "Toy Story 3: Growing up is difficult but necessary\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Toy Story 4: Seriously, feel free to move on with your life anytime now\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Toy Story 5: We're gonna kill Woody in this one if that's what it takes to get you to enter the adult world\n", "\n", "9/11 Jokes are just plane wrong, and Nazi jokes aren't funny, Ann frankly I am quite offended by them.\n", "\n", " Image captures first look at Islamic State Jakarta gunman. \n", "\n", "Three singles were released from the album : `` Straight from the Heart '' , `` Cuts Like a Knife '' and `` This Time '' ; the three were responsible for launching Adams into mainstream popularity.\n", "\n", "helloooo\n", "\n", "My dyslexia has reached a new owl.\n", "\n", "She was born in Indianapolis , Indiana.\n", "\n", "Lloyds Bank to pay out $86 million in UK December flood claims \n", "\n", "Me: \"How do you spell HIV?\" \r\n", "Friend:\"H.I.V\" \r\n", "Me: \"Are you positive?\" \r\n", "Friend:\"Yes... Wait no... Damn!\"\n", "\n", "\"We'll get through this storm\": NJ Governor Christie \n", "\n", "When Wine Is In Wit Is Out\n", "\n", "So I'm at Golden Gate bridge and everyone is telling me to jump, I'm only out for a jog!\n", "\n", "- Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.\n", "\n", "Opportunity Makes The Thief\n", "\n", "Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone's advent calendar?\n", "\n", "If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.\n", "\n", "You can mock me all you want, crow, but you are also eating lunch at this park with no friends. Oh, wait, there's your friend.\n", "\n", "Hundreds of millions of Islamic State funds destroyed in air strikes: U.S. \n", "\n", "Australia to ask China if others will get access to reclaimed South China Sea islands \n", "\n", "I’m down to zero toxic relationships in my life and it’s like whooooaaa.\n", "\n", "Buddhist monks scuffle with troops in Thailand over leadership protest \n", "\n", "As a tall person I cannot offer to reach something on a high shelf for a stranger, yet if they ask me I must oblige. This is the law of the giants\n", "\n", "We have mastered particle physics, we can build a supercomputer that fits in your hand, but every time I squeeze a bottle of mustard it farts water all over my bread wtf science\n", "\n", "Follow The River And You'll Get To The Sea\n", "\n", "Netanyahu rejects French ultimatum on Palestinian statehood \n", "\n", "Money isnt happiness. Spending it is!\n", "\n", "Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”\n", "\n", "I just recently ended a 5 year relationship. It's OK though, it wasn't my relationship.\n", "\n", "Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker that only wants to cuddle.\n", "\n", "I don't know why I bought this new coconut shampoo. I haven't even got any coconuts.\n", "\n", "ThereS only one problem with my mid life crisis. I'm 16.\n", "\n", "Dad: it’s time we had “the talk”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: oh, I already know about dancing the forbidden polka \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: the what? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: ya know, boppin’ squiddles??\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: excuse me \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: slaying the vadragon??\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: what?!?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: disappointing the wife \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: oh sex, right\n", "\n", "Born in New York City , New York , he worked for The Walt Disney Company as a character designer and story artist beginning in 1933 on the Mickey Mouse short , `` Mickey 's Gala Premiere ''.\n", "\n", "Relax, everyone, all we did is tell Iran we had bone spurs. They totally got it. We’re good.\n", "\n", "What did the little Iraqi girl tell her father after he bought her a new backpack? Thanks for the Baghdad.\n", "\n", "this paper straw tastes like maybe I don’t love baby turtles\n", "\n", "How can you tell if a guy is into you?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Check for balls near your vag\n", "\n", "What do you call a singing laptop? Adele.\n", "\n", "World Islamic body backs Saudi stance in Iran spat \n", "\n", "Turkey's Erdogan chastises U.S. over support for Syrian Kurds \n", "\n", "This woman definitely bore two children , Dante 's brother Francesco and sister Tana.\n", "\n", "teens with good skin have way too much power\n", "\n", "After colliding with Robinson at first base on one occasion , Greenberg whispered a few words into Robinson 's ear , which Robinson later characterized as `` words of encouragement . ''\n", "\n", "If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?\n", "\n", "Both describe God as the One Divine Person , Jesus Christ , who has a Divine Soul of Love , Divine Mind of Truth , and Divine Body of Activity.\n", "\n", "Sean Connery found his niche. She was in the garden playing with his nephew.\n", "\n", "U.S. Supreme Court Justice Scalia dead: Texas governor \n", "\n", "I wasn't stealing, officer, in just wasn't shopping traditionally.\n", "\n", "Turkey vows 'harsh reaction' as missiles hit Syrian town: \n", "\n", "Mammals during pregnancy can have one or more gestations at the same time.\n", "\n", "Key U.S. lawmaker suggests openness to encryption legislation after Apple order \n", "\n", "EU Parliament's approval of UK deal not guaranteed - head: \n", "\n", "doctors won't tell you this but reattaching a limb isn't that hard what's hard is getting it to stay after it's had a taste of freedom\n", "\n", "Kinstipation: the painful inability to get visiting relatives out.\n", "\n", "He mentions three by name : Morpheus , Icelos or Phobetor , and Phantasos.\n", "\n", "My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian. It's like I've never seen herbivore.\n", "\n", "At least one killed in more violence in Burundi \n", "\n", "These new words are first published in `` HolQeD '' , and then at the KLI 's website.\n", "\n", "if we elect a gay male president, his partner is not a first lady. stop projecting your male/female relationship dynamics on to gay men. its homophobic. there is no \"woman\" in the relationship. that's kind of the point. its men attracted to men.\n", "\n", "What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!\n", "\n", "Experience Keeps No School, She Teaches Her Pupils Singly\n", "\n", "A poor surgeon hurts 1 person at a time. A poor teacher hurts 130.\n", "\n", "New bin Laden documents reveal al Qaeda's worries: \n", "\n", "PKK rocket attack kills Turkish police officer in southeast: sources \n", "\n", "They could process more water by spinning faster and could harness much greater heads ..\n", "\n", "Set A Beggar On Horseback And He'll Ride To The Devil\n", "\n", "France's Le Pen raises pressure on daughter, hints at rival bid: \n", "\n", "In Japan , Daikokuten , literally , god of great Darkness or Blackness , is one of the Seven Gods of Fortune.\n", "\n", "So sick of my best mate laughing at my virginity.. After joking about it for the 100th time..I finally lost it with him!\n", "\n", "The problem with political jokes is they always get elected.\n", "\n", "The corresponding word in Greek is , meaning `` a set of three '' or `` the number three ''.\n", "\n", "However , once new owners V2001 had taken care of the financing , work was finally begun on finishing the second half of the stand.\n", "\n", "They gave the new element the name brevium ; the name was changed to protoactinium in 1918 when two groups of scientists independently discovered Pa-231.\n", "\n", "Brion was born in Glen Ridge , New Jersey.\n", "\n", "I decided to put laxatives in my weed brownies just for shits and giggles\n", "\n", "The Cat Would Eat Fish And Would Not Wet Her Paws\n", "\n", "She said without love , lust is like hunger of a caterpillar.\n", "\n", "Please take a look at the welcome page to learn more about contributing to our encyclopedia.\n", "\n", "I heard the funniest time travel joke tomorrow.\n", "\n", "My advice to men; marry someone who looks sexy disappointed.\n", "\n", "I wish I had a pair of skinny genes.\n", "\n", "me: do you have a favorite book\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: 1984\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: that’s too many\n", "\n", "What do u call a cold burrito? A brrrrrrrito\n", "\n", "Get right emotionally \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Get right physically \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Get right financially \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "They are all connected\n", "\n", "Porcupines come in various shades of brown , gray , and the unusual white.\n", "\n", "Trump, Cruz tensions may provide liveliest Republican debate yet \n", "\n", "[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker\n", "\n", "#instagram : Made for people who don't want to beg for friends on Facebook.\n", "\n", "More than 3,100 pregnant women in Colombia have Zika virus: government \n", "\n", "Divide And Rule\n", "\n", "It would appear to have been this very collection that found its way to Cumae and from Cumae to Rome.\n", "\n", "Last week I bought a fridge magnet. They really work. So far I've got 11 fridges.\n", "\n", "I said to the chemist: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She keeps waking up.'\n", "\n", "While walking through the woods , they reminisce that it has been a long time since they last saw each other.\n", "\n", "We 've spread our prayer hide all over this place We saw our dearest one to Holy God in grace One day , all of us will come into the earth 's embrace We 'll putrefy , my fair one , we 'll putrefy.\n", "\n", "In Romanian traditions , mistletoe is considered a source of good fortune.\n", "\n", "U.S. student confesses to \"severe crimes\" in North Korea. More: \n", "\n", "Extremely French and Incredibly Toast\n", "\n", "I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out “Mr. Bean”\n", "\n", "Winds sweeping across the ocean have a tendency to drive things to shore , much like driftwood collecting on the beach.\n", "\n", "Paddy says \"Why do scuba divers fall into the water backwards Mick?\". Mick says \"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuckin boat\".\n", "\n", "Went to the barbers today and had a no. 2. I thought it was just a fart but I ended up following through.\n", "\n", "How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the oven until its bill withers.\n", "\n", "The More The Merrier\n", "\n", "\"Plastering for Beginners\" By Phil Mcraken\n", "\n", "I didn't do too well in the pub quiz the other night..I know nothing about pubs.\n", "\n", "When the twitter sex dads all get together and tweet about mowing and diarrhea, it gets me so hot.\n", "\n", "BSELP001 - Driving Insane A. Black Sun Empire - Arrakis B. Black Sun Empire - Don't You C. Black Sun Empire - Breach D. Black Sun Empire - B Negative E. Black Sun Empire - Driving Insane F. Black Sun Empire - The Rat G. Black Sun Empire - Stasis H. Black Sun Empire & Stu - Swipe\n", "\n", "Declaring de-radicalisation success, China reduces 11 sentences \n", "\n", "My high school English teacher is on facebook now so I blocked her. I don't even know why she's on their\n", "\n", "Measure Thrice And Cut Once\n", "\n", "Sanders talks tough about Wall Street and the Fed: \n", "\n", "It took place on March 31 , 1985 at Madison Square Garden in New York , New York.\n", "\n", "Polls paint mixed picture for Irish PM ahead of election \n", "\n", "To whoever invented the zero..Thanks for nothing.\n", "\n", "Algerian lawmakers pass reforms boosting parliament powers \n", "\n", "I depended on this film as a youth. I love it so much.\n", "\n", "To see a real time example , see.\n", "\n", "While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it....thanks Mario Kart.\n", "\n", "Another formulation of this idea came later : `` Organisms which never leave their ancient area of distribution will never change ''.\n", "\n", "roaches are crunchy. just like robots. coincidence? I think not.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "stay vigilant.\n", "\n", "Israel plans to seize West Bank farmland: Army Radio \n", "\n", "It was named in March 2005 after Mneme , one of the three original Muses.\n", "\n", "I've just seen the new Batman trailer. I prefer the Batmobile.\n", "\n", "GATOR MOM: See you guys later!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DAD: Later!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DAUGHTER: Later!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SON: In awhil—I mean…\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DAD: What?!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SON: *Sigh* It’s time.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "GIRLFRIEND: *Removes rounded snout prosthetic and teeth covers*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SON: Mom, dad, this is Susan. She's a crocodile and we're in love.\n", "\n", "Dangerous cold grips northeast U.S., could break Valentine's Day records \n", "\n", "And the fourth is the type of man , who needs light , that so there may be God , the Word , wisdom , man . ''\n", "\n", "See Duke of Cornwall for more details.\n", "\n", "Friend: try this. It tastes terrible \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, who dislikes myself: ok\n", "\n", "I got a new deodorant today. The instructions said to remove cap and push up bottom. Now I can Hardly walk, but my farts smell awesome.\n", "\n", "These are dome-shaped and look like stout little slugs.\n", "\n", "I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said \"Tenpin?' I said \"No, permanent.\"\n", "\n", "One thing to keep in mind as Donald Trump continues to call for the deaths of five black for teenagers for a crime they didn't commit is that he's actually a rapist.\n", "\n", "gender-neutral things to call your partner:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "• old sport\r", "\r", "\r\n", "• honey bun\r", "\r", "\r\n", "• raccoon slut\r", "\r", "\r\n", "• eldritch horror\r", "\r", "\r\n", "• mad sea captain\r", "\r", "\r\n", "• the abomination that causes desolation\n", "\n", "[GOD INVENTING THE WEASEL]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "You know what we need? An otter you can't fucking trust.\n", "\n", "A second fire in 1494 was set by the sons of a hanged thief.\n", "\n", "What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?\r\n", "A piano.\n", "\n", "Study shows researchers waste a lot of time finding out dumb things.\n", "\n", " Reports of bomb threats at nine schools in New Jersey - NBC\n", "\n", "UAE sentences four to death for joining IS: news agency \n", "\n", "The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.\n", "\n", "By default this template gives the serial for today.\n", "\n", "Iran top leader Khamenei praises high turnout in elections: media \n", "\n", "The studio host and analysts vary every night on NBA Gametime Live.\n", "\n", "The Devil Is Not So Black As He Is Painted\n", "\n", "Waves along the coastline of New York reached 4 t. On August 14 , a 16-year-old boy drowned after being caught in a rip current near Long Beach , New York on August 14.\n", "\n", "Sharp liabilities list covered worst-case scenarios: source \n", "\n", "Sleep + social life = bad grades. Good grades + sleep = no social life. Good grades + social life = no sleep.\n", "\n", "H. L. Mencken said that `` A dachshund is a half-dog high and a dog-and-a-half long , '' although they have been referred to as `` two dogs long ''.\n", "\n", "\"The average person thinks he isn’t.\"\n", "\n", "Please do not make personal attacks.\n", "\n", "Wall Street staged a modest rally as oil prices recorded their biggest gain this year: \n", "\n", "The race is on for a Zika virus vaccine: \n", "\n", "His first tragedy took place in 235 BC . Plautus would have been living at the exact time as Naevius , but began writing later.\n", "\n", "The name Proterozoic comes from the Greek `` earlier life ''.\n", "\n", "My toothpaste gets jealous when I try to use other brands. It's ultra-sensitive.\n", "\n", "Next round of Syria peace talks to begin on March 9: U.N. - \n", "\n", "Teacher: Name 6 wild animals? Student: Four elephants and two lions\n", "\n", "Netflix shares rise after company adds more subscribers than expected: $NFLX \n", "\n", "Interviewer: your resume says you're very literal \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: my resume talks??\n", "\n", "To Come Away None The Wiser\n", "\n", "In latest cache of declassified documents, bin Laden fears tracking chip in wife's tooth: \n", "\n", "IMF too demanding on Greek pension reform, Greek minister says \n", "\n", "Writing hack: Just name your characters after whoever emailed you last... It’s quick, you don’t have to think about it, and your protagonist will love being called “HMRC Self Assessment”\n", "\n", "My grandfathers funeral has cost us over £14,000 so far..I knew it was a bad idea to bury him in a rented suit.\n", "\n", "Pride Goes Before A Fall\n", "\n", "I texted my dad a heartfelt Father’s Day message yesterday but since he was home, his cell phone was turned off in a drawer.\n", "\n", "U.S. government concludes cyber attack caused Ukraine power outage \n", "\n", " Chris Christie plans to drop out of presidential race: TV networks\n", "\n", "Service dogs such as guide dogs , utility dogs , assistance dogs , hearing dogs , and psychological therapy dogs provide assistance to individuals with physical or mental disabilities.\n", "\n", "Only one son , Anthonie , who was not home that day , survived.\n", "\n", "From Washington to Long Island, the blizzard beats down the East Coast \n", "\n", "Did you hear about the red ship that crashed into the blue ship? All of the sailors were marooned.\n", "\n", "Angel eventually set out on a path of redemption , hoping that he could make up for his past through good deeds.\n", "\n", "In Myanmar, political mood sours as transition talks hit a snag \n", "\n", "He That Has A Full Purse Never Wanted A Friend\n", "\n", "I crafted two golems out of gold to help around the house and care for the children. They're an au pair.\n", "\n", "Don't take Lebanon's stability for granted: U.N. envoy \n", "\n", "You'd be paranoid too if everybody hated you.\n", "\n", "You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a blowjob.\n", "\n", "The case for Sanders over other candidates when it comes to foreign policy has been oddly underemphasized so far in the primary\n", "\n", "Met a girl in the club last night, she said \"Take me home and I will do literally anything you want.\" Best omelette EVER!\n", "\n", "To Take Counsel Of One's Pillow\n", "\n", "Me: I’d like to send these pancakes back. They weren’t fluffy enough. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Server: Ma’am, it’s just a plate. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Exactly. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Server: Exactly what? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: What? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Server: I’ll get you more pancakes.\n", "\n", "A haiku about learning to cope:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Oftentimes in life,\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Closure feels necessary\r", "\r", "\r\n", "But then other times\n", "\n", "U.S. January auto sales stronger than expected \n", "\n", "Have you guys heard about the new restaurant on the moon? Early critics say the food is good, but there's no atmosphere.\n", "\n", "Two men walk into a bar, and the third one ducks.\n", "\n", "My manager just told me when she was a kid in Australia there was a monitor lizard that walked up and down the street at 3:30pm and everyone had to give it a boiled egg or it would tap angrily on the window with its foot.\n", "\n", "I’m absolutely bewildered by the decisions to let actors in “Chernobyl” speak in Cockney rhyming slang, and to feature Big Ben in the background of almost every shot.\n", "\n", "There are three extant and three fossil genera currently recognized.\n", "\n", "IMF cuts global growth forecast as China slows \n", "\n", "Behind the refugee crisis, the families in the West forced to pay and pay: \n", "\n", "Israel cabinet vote imminent on plan to increase Palestinian workers \n", "\n", "All performances must end before midnight ; long operas start earlier in the evening if need be.\n", "\n", "Thus one may refer to `` three cattle '' or `` some cattle '' , but not `` one cattle ''.\n", "\n", "Yemeni man pleads guilty in U.S. to supporting al Qaeda \n", "\n", "Russia and Turkey trade accusations over Syria: \n", "\n", "Accused 'flash crash' trader's actions not a crime in UK, court hears \n", "\n", "It first came to prominence in Belgium.\n", "\n", "In addition , taxis can refuse to take babies and children because of seating legislation.\n", "\n", "Cheapest Is The Dearest\n", "\n", "In 2008 , Biden received the Best of Congress Award , for `` improving the American quality of life through family-friendly work policies , '' from Working Mother magazine.\n", "\n", "just found out boxing day commemorates when jesus was only two days old and had to prove himself in the ring against the manger animals. wild.\n", "\n", "In 1991 the orchestra gained its current name after its home city returned to its original name of Saint Petersburg.\n", "\n", "Many of the municipalities in the area receive their drinking water directly from Vättern.\n", "\n", "Consensus can only work among reasonable editors who make a good faith effort to work together in a civil manner.\n", "\n", "HR: we’ve had some complaints that you’re kind of a close talker\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: really? how so?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HR: well for starters you caught larry’s foreskin in YOUR zipper last week\n", "\n", "Two of us played on four national championship teams.\n", "\n", "It's annoying when fat people say obesity \"runs\" in their family when clearly, nothing does.\n", "\n", "Studies have shown that hallucinatory experiences take place worldwide.\n", "\n", "I was going to do a joke about a germ, But I wouldn't want to spread it around.\n", "\n", "An electronic multiplexer makes it possible for several signals to share one device or resource , for example one A/D converter or one communication line , instead of having one device per input signal.\n", "\n", "Unknown dead fill Lesbos cemetery for refugees drowned at sea \n", "\n", "taking some time off from hating the way i look to focus more of my energy on hating my personality i hope you understand\n", "\n", "What does Barbie like to do at Halloween? Pump Ken\n", "\n", "A Joker with no Batman in sight is actually a pretty good metaphor for 2019.\n", "\n", " Most of those killed in Istanbul blast were German citizens - Turkish officials\n", "\n", "you [dumb, cloddish, uncultured]: the earth is flat\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me [refined and intelligent about everything but this]: LIKE A TORTILLA?\n", "\n", "In Spain, left-wing coalition seen more likely as king ends talks \n", "\n", "I never knew true happiness until I got married...then it was too late.\n", "\n", "Baden-Powell thought this would not be attractive and suggested that it could grow much larger when scouting would be used.\n", "\n", "What do you call two old women who lick each others naughty bits? LesbiNans\n", "\n", "\"The Holocaust shouldn't be politicized\" askfjhsjfkdjsh\n", "\n", "Sony Pictures hackers linked to breaches in China, India, Japan: report \n", "\n", "People say laughter is the best medicine, so instead of\r\n", "Getting a flu shot, you can just look at my bank balance.\n", "\n", "Those who criticise our generation seem to forget who raised it.\n", "\n", "Tony pretends not to care , however Jal is angered that Michelle didn't tell her since she 's her best friend.\n", "\n", "Egypt returns body of slain Italian student -state news agency \n", "\n", "Gnight. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Courage.\n", "\n", "Brazil's Rousseff gains approval despite corruption: poll \n", "\n", "lThose of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.\n", "\n", "Film director Richard Linklater discusses this novel in his film Waking Life , which begins with a scene reminiscent of another Dick novel , Time Out of Joint.\n", "\n", "MSF-backed hospital in Syria destroyed by air strikes: statement: \n", "\n", "MEANWHILE\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Why is it called an open-casket funeral and not \"remains to be seen\"?\n", "\n", "Each player begins the game with two bishops.\n", "\n", "My best mate told me to treat his house as if it were my own. So I sold it.\n", "\n", "A handful of new servers are set up every year by hobbyists 30 have been set up and added to Floodgap 's list since 1999 and possibly some more that haven't been added.\n", "\n", "Very excited that HarperCollins is publishing my novel in 2020. Posting this on multiple social media platforms truly gives me hives! Pray for my health...or don’t!\n", "\n", "Where do prostitutes go for recycling? The Virgin Islands.\n", "\n", "It was the first time that two women co-anchored Weekend Update.\n", "\n", "HAHAHAHA @MOUNTAINDEW @CIRCLEKSTORES WTF IS THIS\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray? They say that he's a seasoned veteran.\n", "\n", "Oregon occupier freed from jail, barred from contact with husband \n", "\n", "The missus accused me of being far too competitive! I said 'I'm not!, and i'll be the first to admit that'.\n", "\n", "Engayed: The term used when two gays are engaged or want to become married.\n", "\n", "Vietnam party boss says tough job ahead for new, expanded leadership \n", "\n", "INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote \"I ain't afraid of no ghosts\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?\n", "\n", "The rotation of Earth always makes my day.\n", "\n", "a story in three parts\n", "\n", "India, France eye intergovernmental pact to seal $9 billion Rafale deal: Hollande \n", "\n", "Walter the Eastern Quoll isn't sure what all the fuss is about for the winter solstice today! ...But the staff at Bonorong are looking forward to the longer daylight hours, how about you?! Photo thanks to Grant Angus #EasternQuoll #Winter #Solstice #Tasmania #Sanctuary\n", "\n", "To all the day mode haters, have you considered that maybe night mode is too spooky for some of us? Check your privilege.\n", "\n", "Global slowdown fears overshadow Singapore aviation show: \n", "\n", "Hard Words Break No Bones\n", "\n", "What The Heart Thinks The Tongue Speaks\n", "\n", "The Mac Mini is the first Macintosh desktop not to include a keyboard or mouse.\n", "\n", "Love Me, Love My Dog\n", "\n", "I'm going to try winking as much in real life as I do in texts. ;)\n", "\n", "It takes place on the Hong Kong Island or Sha Tin District alternatively every two years.\n", "\n", "Theria is a subclass of mammals that give birth to live young without using a shelled egg , including both eutherians and metatherians.\n", "\n", "it's election season, you know what that means! it's time to\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[crowd in unison] see smart and kind people share hateful and dishonest clickbait editorials because it puts down a candidate they dislike!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "now let's spin the wheel!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[every spot on the wheel says \"get depressed\"]\n", "\n", "VOGUE JAPAN\n", "\n", "There are two school systems in Algona.\n", "\n", "Tunisian forces kill four militants in clashes: ministry \n", "\n", "Pretending to write when the teacher starts calling on random people.\n", "\n", "Somali pirates gave me toothpaste & soap.\n", "\n", "The up-side to procrastination is you always have something to do tomorrow.\n", "\n", "First , the blocking administrator provides a brief reason that you will see when you try to make an edit.\n", "\n", "What does the dentist of the year get? A little plaque.\n", "\n", "Liverpool collapse nothing to do with protest, says coach \n", "\n", "Who called it \"playing footsie\" and not \"becoming sole mates\"?\n", "\n", "What do you call a whale with no pants on? Free Willy.\n", "\n", "Whats the difference between two dicks and a joke? You can't take a joke.\n", "\n", "To Find A Mare's Nest\n", "\n", "Life is like a roller coaster, and I'm about to throw up.\n", "\n", "I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison.. But apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition\n", "\n", "Many early television networks evolved from earlier radio networks.\n", "\n", "France's FN under fire from within over its anti-euro stance \n", "\n", "Five things the U.S. stock market is worried about after last week's rout \n", "\n", "They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction. My money's on Dave.\n", "\n", "He was buried in Tallinn , his grave not too far away from that of another great name in chess , Paul Keres.\n", "\n", "Banks give back China investment quotas as clients bypass the middlemen \n", "\n", "*boston bartender voice* no lady I haven't seen a subtweet but you're welcome to check the lost and found\n", "\n", "What word is always pronounced incorrectly? Incorrectly.\n", "\n", "The city is also home to the headquarters of U-HAUL International , a rental company and moving supply store , as well Best Western , a hotel chain.\n", "\n", "DOCTOR: We’re gonna have to amputate above the knee.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: But I can’t survive if I’m just a Leg.\n", "\n", "Producer Dr. Luke says the #FreeKesha campaign is a \"trial by Twitter\"\n", "\n", "Why are 9/11 victims the best readers? They can go through 94 stories in seconds!\n", "\n", "Its full name is the Beaufort Wind Force Scale.\n", "\n", "BOJ shocks markets with negative rates move \n", "\n", "Murder rate dips, but Venezuela still global hotspot \n", "\n", "He then meets a girl who he thinks is his true love.\n", "\n", "Fact of life: after Monday and Tuesday, even the calender says W T F.\n", "\n", "California sheriff 'concerned' by slow response to jail escape \n", "\n", "I’m trying to be more eco friendly, so I started recycling my tampon applicators.\n", "\n", "The Cat Shuts Its Eyes When Stealing Cream\n", "\n", "Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dog: WE'LL TAKE IT\n", "\n", "A water turbine is a rotary engine that takes energy from moving water.\n", "\n", "Hitch hikers are the friendliest people in the world. Everytime I pass one, they give me a thumbs up!\n", "\n", "That tweet was better when it was done by so and so who reworded it from what’s her face who saw it on Facebook in 2012\n", "\n", "One protester shot dead as FBI arrests Oregon occupation leader and others: \n", "\n", "Obama has started work to pick Supreme Court justice: White House \n", "\n", "One of his projects was the steel work of the General Motors Futurama building at the 1939 New York World 's Fair.\n", "\n", "[meeting girlfriend's parents]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: I'm a big fan of your work\n", "\n", "A handwriting analysis conclusively matched the two.\n", "\n", "My friends were amazed when I told them I can predict the future using herbs. \"Is it true?\" they asked..' Only thyme will tell' I replied.\n", "\n", "ICE considers counter bid for London Stock Exchange Group: \n", "\n", "There was an earthquake near the Galaxy chocolate factory this morning. It sent ripples through the whole building.\n", "\n", "I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Butt.\n", "\n", "Slovenia to offer military instructors in fight against ISIS \n", "\n", "The former English name was Sleswick-Holsatia , the Danish name is Slesvig-Holsten , the Low German name is Sleswig-Holsteen , and the North Frisian name is Slaswik-Holstiinj.\n", "\n", "Twitty continues to make television appearances when there are new developments in the case.\n", "\n", "Trying to stem refugee influx, Sweden asks: When is a child not a child? \n", "\n", "i never in my life thought i’d see michelle obama hit harry styles in the dick with a dodgeball but hey god works in mysterious ways\n", "\n", "Saudi envoy comments on Iraq's Shi'ite militias draw hostile reactions \n", "\n", "Ralph was the oldest of nine children.\n", "\n", "Him: Did you adopt your dog?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: No, he's my biological dog.\n", "\n", "I wish subtweets were just tweets about delicious subs.\n", "\n", "Hollywood's Sean Penn lied about 'Chapo' trafficking claim: lawyer \n", "\n", "I got mugged earlier and they took my mood ring. I really don't know how I feel about that.\n", "\n", "A good book focuses on a certain topic and covers it as well as possible.\n", "\n", "Rachel and Emilie decided to create a visual video for hearing children so that ASL could be made accessible to all children , and together created Two Little Hands Productions , their production company.\n", "\n", "TRIGGER HAPPY\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "And they cried, \r", "\r", "\r\n", "it’s not the guns\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "that kill people, \r", "\r", "\r\n", "it’s the people,\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "as the bodies \r", "\r", "\r\n", "piled up,\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "through each \r", "\r", "\r\n", "shameful sequel.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "And each defender\r", "\r", "\r\n", "of the gun laws,\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "with the death count\r", "\r", "\r\n", "getting bigger,\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "may as well \r", "\r", "\r\n", "have had\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "their own finger\r", "\r", "\r\n", "on the trigger.\n", "\n", "What's the best way to talk to your mother-in-law? Through a medium.\n", "\n", "Species may be succulent or not.\n", "\n", "10 Day Challenge \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Don’t do anything stupid for ten days\n", "\n", "Venezuela talks oil prices with Qatar, Oman; to meets Saudis \n", "\n", "Rosé was first violin throughout.\n", "\n", "A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.\n", "\n", "Hunting season comes and Slade takes his dogs into the wilderness for the interim.\n", "\n", "I won't rest until I find a cure for Insomnia!\n", "\n", "The kids next Door have challenged me to a water fight. I'm updating twitter while I wait for the kettle to boil.\n", "\n", "With China's economy growing at its slowest in 25 years, tensions are rising: \n", "\n", "Common mobile software could have opened San Bernardino shooter's iPhone \n", "\n", "Phimosis is `` a contracted foreskin may cause trouble by hurting when an attempt is made to pull the foreskin back ''.\n", "\n", "Key winners and events of the Oscars2016 in one handy list - \n", "\n", "Syrian army presses Aleppo attack as U.N. envoy meets government: \n", "\n", "Did you hear about the new restaurant on the Moon? The food's ok, but it has no atmosphere.\n", "\n", "Political fallout from Flint, Michigan, water crisis spreads \n", "\n", "Every man in comedy has whatever the opposite of imposter syndrome is.\n", "\n", "But we never do ''.\n", "\n", "German court throws out objections by far-right NPD in ban case \n", "\n", "Oil rises further above $30 on hopes of deal to tackle glut: \n", "\n", "every person i’ve dated after finding out i suck: https://twitter.com/geopoliticsnerd/status/1142524608060567552 …\n", "\n", "her: it's up to us to repopulate the earth\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "him: okay but i'm really not looking for anything serious right now\n", "\n", "U.N. chief tells African leaders not to 'cling to power' \n", "\n", "Belgian court orders release of Paris attacks suspect \n", "\n", "Two killed, three wounded in overnight shooting in Toronto \n", "\n", "What did the policeman say to his belly? You're under a vest.\n", "\n", "Dibs on any sea glass you find. And don’t try pushing any of that foreign stuff on me.\n", "\n", "The CBO became a full time organization in 1944 , changing its name to the City of Birmingham Symphony Orchestra in 1948.\n", "\n", "I received an email asking me to send trouser zips to the address provided.But I ignored it, sounds like they're fly phishing to me.\n", "\n", "On Day 19 , the two tribes , now with 6 women and 4 men , merged into Alinta.\n", "\n", "jesus “the toolman” christ\n", "\n", "Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space.\n", "\n", "What do you call a man without a spade? Douglas.\n", "\n", "If the gas station is 2 miles away and my dad can drive at 60MPH, why hasn't returned from getting snacks for 6 years?\n", "\n", "Kiss me if I'm wrong. But dinosaurs still exist right?\n", "\n", "Local scholars say that its original name was Ldumra.\n", "\n", "Like Galileo I too was fired from a daycare job for teaching kids to climb a tall tree and prove my theory of how the sun is making a noise.\n", "\n", "Insight - After winning EU deal, Cameron faces harder battle \n", "\n", "My son just found out that what he has been calling a \"handburger\" is actually a \"hamburger\" and he's not happy about it. \"Mom, you eat it with your HANDS. And there's not even any ham in it!\" Yeah I think I'm with him on this one y'all\n", "\n", "What did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals? He got a woodpecker.\n", "\n", "Kerry to meet Jordan's King Abdullah in Amman over weekend \n", "\n", "Clay animation is one of many forms of stop motion animation.\n", "\n", "My octopus can beat up your octopus.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*octopus flicks cig*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*octopus flicks cig*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*octopus flicks cig*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*octopus flicks cig*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*octopus flicks cig*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*octopus flicks cig*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*octopus flicks cig*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*octopus flicks cig*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"Lets do this.\"\n", "\n", "U.N. staffer killed in Iraq, first since 2010 \n", "\n", "Similar to the previous two events , the concept of the show was that every championship in the company would be defended.\n", "\n", "life wasn’t supposed to be this hard I didn’t realize how much effort would go into just keeping my hands moisturized not to mention the relentless onslaught of soul shattering hardship lol\n", "\n", "for this next tweet it’s important to know there’s a guy Dennis at my office who eats egg salad every day for lunch so we call him Egg Salad Dennis.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ok here’s the tweet.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Hey guys you’ll never guess what Egg Salad Dennis brought for lunch today.\n", "\n", "If tomatoes are fruit then isn't ketchup actually a smoothie?\n", "\n", "The name Britain is derived from the Latin name Britannia , via Old French Bretaigne and Middle English Bretayne , Breteyne.\n", "\n", "They say shower sex is overrated. You know we’d change their minds.\n", "\n", "I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays\n", "\n", "Hungary is going to hold a referendum on EU plans for a mandatory migrant quotas system: \n", "\n", "North Korea says detained U.S. student confesses to crimes against state \n", "\n", "What did the baby corn say to momma corn? Where is popcorn. \n", "\n", "Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they would be called bagels!\n", "\n", "No Longer Pipe, No Longer Dance\n", "\n", "The system closed in 1962 and was the last city tramway in Great Britain.\n", "\n", "How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.\n", "\n", "Do homeless people understand knock knock jokes?\n", "\n", "Don't miss our Editor's Choice photos of the day: \n", "\n", "More money is not more happiness. Cause I was just as happy at 40 million as I am now with 42 million\n", "\n", "If The Sky Falls, We Shall Catch Larks\n", "\n", "As everyone knows, the Nazis went from being a normal part of a healthy democracy and then immediately started mass exterminations with no build up or warning. We can learn nothing from how they got to that point. Buncha dudes just started bein evil all of a sudden. Crazy shit.\n", "\n", "To Use A Steam-Hammer To Crack Nuts\n", "\n", "Who will take the second shot in the pub snooker game? We'll find out after the break.\n", "\n", "I've just stolen loads of swimming inflatables. I'd better lilo.\n", "\n", "To Pour Water Into A Sieve\n", "\n", "“alcohol is a depressant, maybe you shouldn’t drink if you’re depressed” but it makes me a different KIND of depressed. the change in pace is nice, ok? keepin’ it spicy. spicy depression.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic? He thought he was following someone.\n", "\n", "just heard my song in a porn wow that’s amazing\n", "\n", "Whats green, slimy and smells like ham? Kermit the Frog's finger.\n", "\n", "Fed's Fischer says worried by emergency credit reporting rules: \n", "\n", "If you want flattery girls, I'm your man. I have a steam roller ready to use.\n", "\n", "Guy who owned Odeon cinemas has passed away. His funeral is on Monday @ 2:10, 4:20 and 8:40\n", "\n", "PASTOR: I hope you enjoyed our hipper, more modern Sunday service\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: the band playing \"Amazing Grace ft Pitbull\" was a little much imo\n", "\n", "BOSS: How's the new pond project going?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Swimmingly. I took to it like a duck to water\r", "\r", "\r\n", "B: Don't let it fall between the quacks\r", "\r", "\r\n", "M: I'll duck out and finish it now\r", "\r", "\r\n", "B: Sorry to quack the whip. I'm seeing duck clouds on the horizon\r", "\r", "\r\n", "M: Don't worry I've got my ducks in a row\n", "\n", "I went back this girls place and she had a 10-foot lightswitch. It was a massive turnoff!\n", "\n", "What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public? A private tooter.\n", "\n", "Stocks dragged lower as oil tumbles 4 percent: \n", "\n", "The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.\n", "\n", "Putin probably approved London murder of Litvinenko: British inquiry \n", "\n", "Hey HEY\r", "\r", "\r\n", "You YOU\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I don’t like your crab friend\r", "\r", "\r\n", "No way \r", "\r", "\r\n", "NO WAY\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Because he tried to pinch me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Hey HEY\r", "\r", "\r\n", "You YOU\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Please remove your crab friend\n", "\n", "U.S. criticizes Uganda election, says concerned about Besigye's arrest \n", "\n", "Military chiefs gather in Paris to bolster Islamic State fight \n", "\n", "Steak-umm\n", "\n", "Gang guilty of sex crimes in English town at center of abuse scandal \n", "\n", "Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?\n", "\n", "According to Livy , Hannibal much later said that when he came upon his father and begged to go with him , Hamilcar agreed and demanded him to swear that as long as he lived he would never be a friend of Rome.\n", "\n", "therapist: you don't need to be afraid of gorilla crow. gorilla crow isn't real.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me, looking out the window:\n", "\n", "Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.\n", "\n", "The county boundaries of England have changed little over time.\n", "\n", "Squirrel 1: Were you looking at my nuts?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Squirrel 2: Just pecan....\n", "\n", "If this isn't the name of her autobiography I will sue\n", "\n", "What is the capital of Greece? About £10\n", "\n", "They say 5 out of 4 people have problems with fractions.\n", "\n", "Typically , stolons have very long internodes that form new plants at the ends.\n", "\n", "I'd love to live in an old disused lighthouse. I don't want anything flashy.\n", "\n", "For an athlete who desires to be the best. Just enough, is rarely enough. More than enough tends to be just enough. #MaxOut\n", "\n", "I have three hubcaps and I’m blasting the Clueless cd. You’re going to want to let me over.\n", "\n", "Danny Devito would never try to control a woman's body\n", "\n", "Also goes by the name `` Mr. Gibbs ''.\n", "\n", "I have an irrational fear that I’ll meet a talking animal and they won’t have the ability to grant me any wishes.\n", "\n", "What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar? OH SNaP!\n", "\n", "just found out nsync broke up\n", "\n", "Nothing So Bad, As Not To Be Good For Something\n", "\n", "He Who Would Eat The Nut Must First Crack The Shell\n", "\n", "All is fair in love and war\n", "\n", "This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.\n", "\n", "I fell in love at first sight...I probably should have looked twice.\n", "\n", "[first glass of wine]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "mmm nice. let's listen to jazz\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[second glass of wine]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*struggling to remove my sweatshirt* we should fuck on the roof\n", "\n", "Sometimes, I miss being in a relationship. But then I look in my wallet and feel alright again.\n", "\n", "..and the Lord said unto John \"Come forth and receive eternal life\". But he came fifth and won a toaster.\n", "\n", "If you pee in the Matrix, you pee in the real world.\n", "\n", "Supreme Court fight gives Democrats fuel to regain Senate control: \n", "\n", "We live with the consequences today . ''\n", "\n", "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.\n", "\n", "A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.\n", "\n", "Making a new link that begins with a / is the common way to start a subpage.\n", "\n", "Words Pay No Debts\n", "\n", "How does Stephen Hawking recover from a hangover? He presses F5.\n", "\n", "I rang the council to ask if I could have a skip outside my house. They said \"You can cartwheel down the street for all we care\"\n", "\n", "Never throw dirt when you're at war; you'll lose your ground.\n", "\n", "A move that would place the moving player 's king in check is illegal.\n", "\n", "Syria peace talks hinge on envoy's answers \n", "\n", "Newly released documents show profit-seeking behind price hikes at Turing, Valeant \n", "\n", "Sorry I'm poor, I can't afford to pay attention.\n", "\n", "Abbottabad district is divided into two tehsils , Abbottabad and Havelian as well as one urban administration area - Nawanshehr.\n", "\n", "The first goal of any new artist or band was to get signed to a contract as soon as possible.\n", "\n", "German police arrest two suspects linked to Nazi propaganda website \n", "\n", "From early 1994 to September 1999 , Raw was shown live on one Monday and then the next day next Monday 's Raw was taped.\n", "\n", "But Yoland 's pimp , Keyshone soon appears outside , begging for `` Yolanda '' back and asking for her hand in marriage . Butters insists that he can not allow `` Yolanda '' to work for him , claiming it would interfere with the `` true love '' Keyshone and `` Yolanda '' share.\n", "\n", "What do you call a cow's mate? Its significant udder. \n", "\n", "The Wolverine is an easy example.\n", "\n", "UBS freezes salaries in investment bank: sources \n", "\n", "Dan says `` the old salts say you can set your watch by it . ''\n", "\n", "HAHAHAHA\n", "\n", "How Trump could benefit from a Bloomberg presidential run: \n", "\n", "Judge rules video of Chicago police shooting can be released: \n", "\n", "A police recruit was asked during the exam, \"What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?\" He said: \"Call for backup.\"\n", "\n", "midwife: it's triplets!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: oh wow\r", "\r", "\r\n", "midwife: bit of a shock?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: yeah [looks at wife] who are the other two dads?\n", "\n", "Company In Distress Makes Trouble Less\n", "\n", "See for instructions.\n", "\n", "Tropical Tonga declares Zika outbreak after five cases confirmed \n", "\n", "Even so , the old man 's scream during the night causes a neighbor to call the police . The narrator invites the three officers to look around.\n", "\n", "Obama, Erdogan speak by phone, vow cooperation against terrorism: sources \n", "\n", "Halo 3 , like its predecessors , is set in the fictional Halo universe , taking place during the year 2553.\n", "\n", "My credit card company loves me. Every day, I get a call from them saying my balance is outstanding.\n", "\n", "I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 7 years in a row now.\n", "\n" ] }, { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "He Is A Fool That Forgets Himself\n", "\n", "I just bought this dumbass shirt someone please help me be less online\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Cc: @Dustinkcouch\n", "\n", "It is shown throughout the 2nd and 3rd movie that the crew of the Black Pearl , particularly Jack Sparrow , like to shoot at Jack the monkey.\n", "\n", "End of Europe? Berlin, Brussels' shock tactic on migrants \n", "\n", "What's the heaviest soup in Asia? Wonton soup. \n", "\n", "Clue\n", "\n", "McAleese is Ireland 's second female president and the world 's first woman to succeed another woman as an elected head of state.\n", "\n", "Yo mama is so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.\n", "\n", "Why was the blonde upset when she got her Drivers License? Because she got an F in sex.\n", "\n", "She was born to Tatar father and Jewish mother.\n", "\n", "Pakistan's largest opposition party wants army chief to stay when term ends \n", "\n", "Ivory Coast ex-president presented as peace-loving victim of France \n", "\n", "Whats the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.\n", "\n", "Embattled Mexican builder ICA CEO Quintana leaving post: sources \n", "\n", "Do not trust atoms. They make up everything.\n", "\n", "You can use the wikibreak template for this purpose . Let 's say wants to go on wikibreak until Christmas.\n", "\n", "I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts. Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think.\n", "\n", "Cameron hits back at critics with 'Project Fact': \n", "\n", "Roche eyes acquisition of Pacific Biosciences: sources \n", "\n", "Boss: there are no dumb questions \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: do the carebears shit in toilets or one big pile?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Boss: wtf?\n", "\n", "What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?\n", "\n", "- What do soy beans and dildos have in common?Both are meat subsitutes\n", "\n", "3D printing body parts? \n", "\n", "Self-styled militia group joins Oregon occupation: \n", "\n", "Sukarno , born Kusno Sosrodihardjo was the first President of Indonesia.\n", "\n", "Nevada will be a test of Bernie Sanders appeal to minority voters \n", "\n", "after four years my girlfriend still gives me butterflies every time I see her.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "she knows I'm terrified of butterflies they've taken over my home why does she do this to me she's so mean someone please help me\n", "\n", "The fight lasted for almost two centuries.\n", "\n", "Why did my wife cross the road? To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three fucking hours ago.\n", "\n", "Yeah, but you weren’t supposed to enjoy it, dude\n", "\n", "How do you make your missus scream after an orgasm? Wipe your willy on the curtains.\n", "\n", "U.S. test-fires ICBM amid tensions with Russia, North Korea \n", "\n", "If you think you are having a bad day..just remember one day somebody is going to have Snooki as a mom.\n", "\n", "Unbrella: An umbrella which has no further use, as when a force of wind turns it inside-out\n", "\n", "WHO moves into high gear to combat Zika, microcephaly: expert \n", "\n", "Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.\n", "\n", "U.S. businessman detained in Iran denied access to lawyer \n", "\n", "Syrian Kurdish forces said to capture most of rebel-held former military airport \n", "\n", "How many Marxist's does it take to change a light bulb? None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.\n", "\n", "Syrian army says it captured strategic town in coastal area \n", "\n", "Tomorrow Come Never\n", "\n", "EU executive to push Greece, Italy more on migration \n", "\n", "Israeli campaign against artists draws accusations of 'McCarthyism' \n", "\n", "It was front-page news for many days.\n", "\n", "Wedding rings are too much like little handcuffs.\n", "\n", "Coyotes appear better able than wolves to live among people.\n", "\n", "In 1933 Hoffmann - La Roche became the first pharmaceutical company to mass-produce synthetic vitamin C , under the brand name of Redoxon.\n", "\n", "I didn't like my beard at first but then it grew on me.\n", "\n", "Bank of England to tread fine line on distant rate bets \n", "\n", "Dear microwave, Why are your minutes so much longer than normal ones? Sincerely, super hungry me.\n", "\n", "No one ends life a virgin, life screws us all.\n", "\n", "I must make merry before the Spring is spent.\n", "\n", "Warfare among French socialists hurts Hollande's re-election bid \n", "\n", "Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?\n", "\n", "Girls fall for me, because I trip them.\n", "\n", "What do you call a kid with one arm, buck teeth, a monobrow and an eyepatch? Names.\n", "\n", "Hello twitter friends, I wrote a fantasy/sci-fi book about a woman who helps topple a tyrannical Queen, becomes the new leader, and gets into loads of sword fights. It's here if you wanna check it out: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07R91PP93 \n", "\n", "but you did tho\n", "\n", "Urban blacks usually speak English or Afrikaans in addition to their native tongue.\n", "\n", "ME: Be still, my beating heart!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HEART: OK.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *dies*\n", "\n", "Listen, calling people names says a lot more about you than it does about them, idiot.\n", "\n", "Kasparov changed his mind after making a losing move and then made another move instead.\n", "\n", "[sees an ant on the wall] god you’re so dumb no offense\n", "\n", "They noisily move away from the shore when disturbed , giving them their common name.\n", "\n", "How many immature people does it take to change a light bulb? Your mum.\n", "\n", "Scalia's death set to affect court's rulings in current term \n", "\n", "Many of the neighborhoods in Malden take their name and identity from the Square they are centered around.\n", "\n", "He has written many books of poetry and short stories as well as novels.\n", "\n", "A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.\n", "\n", "Hate Not At The First Harm\n", "\n", "\"and all our handbags are 100% vegan leather-\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "bitch that's plastic just say plastic. Look me in the eye & tell me you're charging me $300 for a reusable plastic bag\n", "\n", "The Shield : red with three gold bands drawn diagonally across to the right hand side.\n", "\n", "Him: She’s probably texting another guy rn \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me @ 12am not being able to fall asleep and bored with literally no one to text whatsoever:\n", "\n", "Where do astronauts go out for a drink? To the spacebar.\n", "\n", "Was walking round Tesco's the other day and a bloke threw a big lump of cheese at me! I thought how dairy!\n", "\n", "U.S. Mid-Atlantic braces for storm that may dump two feet of snow \n", "\n", "Free Names for Modern American Restaurants:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Birch and Salt\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Garlic Transcendence\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Basil and Twine\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- The Persimmon Grille\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Spruce and Shiplap\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- The Castaway \r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Drag0nfrūt\n", "\n", "hello i just got a massage how’s your day\n", "\n", "What do you call a man with a spade? Doug.\n", "\n", "my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my heart: yes and also start eating better?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my brian: do whta yuo liek.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: love you, brian.\n", "\n", "Ever hear of the Tempura House? It's a home for lightly battered women.\n", "\n", "Activity in Syria threatens to drive a wedge between NATO allies: \n", "\n", "It was first documented in 1436.\n", "\n", "It has black primaries and secondaries.\n", "\n", "An Empty Sack Cannot Stand Upright\n", "\n", "Trial of man accused of being 'Grim Sleeper' serial killer set to begin: \n", "\n", "South Korea cites North threat in calling for tough 'terror' law: \n", "\n", "I put off more things by 9:00am than most people do all day.\n", "\n", "Why are there no transvestites in space? Because there is zero drag.\n", "\n", "In his later years , Hitler spoke of Poetsch as a `` great man . ''\n", "\n", "I almost had a threesome last night. I just needed two more people.\n", "\n", "I had such a crap day. First my ex got run over by a bus. Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.\n", "\n", "Happy anniversary to the time I went to Pride Parade with my da and he thought the bondage guys were dressed as Spider-Man\n", "\n", "Her 1998 book , Today I Feel Silly , and Other Moods That Make My Day , made the best-seller list in The New York Times.\n", "\n", "Trump and Sanders take New Hampshire by storm: \n", "\n", "Unwavering Tottenham devoted to Pochettino's plan \n", "\n", "Judge authorizes search after scent of slain Virginia woman is found \n", "\n", "me: you’re dumping me?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: you can’t keep my name straight\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " r e\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: but a g r t I love you!\r", "\r", "\r\n", " m a\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: that’s not my name\n", "\n", "Did you hear the Aggies bought a thousand septic tanks?As soon as they learn to drive them, they'll invade Mexico.\n", "\n", "Anti-torture committee warns Greece on over-crowded prisons, police violence \n", "\n", "鶏で黄身と白身を分けたかった\n", "\n", "Born to a dog demon father and human mother , InuYasha is a half-demon who initially wants to use the powers of the Shikon Jewel to become a full demon.\n", "\n", "(See you Monday)\n", "\n", "Locals distance themselves from Oregon refuge occupiers \n", "\n", "How to workout your 'arsehole' name. Replace your first name with the word 'Piers' and your surname with the word 'Morgan'.\n", "\n", "Merkel warns against border closures, to fight for EU-Turkey plan \n", "\n", "After a three-season run , the sketch was developed into a half-hour prime time show and was an early hit for Fox.\n", "\n", "The Free Software Foundation may publish new , revised versions of the GNU Free Documentation License from time to time.\n", "\n", "North Korea detains U.S. student on New Year trip for 'hostile act': \n", "\n", "Last night my mate and I watched all 3 'Lord of the Rings' movies back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.\n", "\n", "When the killer is a woman\n", "\n", "I heard Alabama changed the drinking age to 32. They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.\n", "\n", "A hunting dog refers to any dog who assists humans in hunting.\n", "\n", "Australia softens sanctions against Iran \n", "\n", "me: i like your haircut. did you know the bees are dying?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "you: weird segue\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: it’s called a segway [zooms away]\n", "\n", "I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers but the checkout lady keeps putting it back.\n", "\n", "This species may be encountered in a wide range of open habitats and gardens.\n", "\n", "me someone else\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " ah shit haha\r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " ope not again\n", "\n", "It's crab season. Choose your fighter.\n", "\n", "I once asked a pretty homeless woman If I could take her home. She said yes, but you shoulda seen her face when I took her box!\n", "\n", "What do 32 Iraqi women in one place have? A full set of teeth!\n", "\n", "Amish safe sex: painting an \"X\" on the cows that kick.\n", "\n", "COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: no thanks i'm on a diet\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CW: are you sur-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "M: OK BUT I'LL JUST HAVE THREE\n", "\n", "What do a dwarf and a midget have in common? Very little.\n", "\n", "The only people that feel bad about wasting their life are the people that wouldn't be able to do anything useful with it, anyway.\n", "\n", "Zika virus discourages many Americans from Latin America travel - \n", "\n", "Currently mad at my wife for not being a lizard\n", "\n", "My mate keeps boasting that he owns a 3 foot pack of cards. Big deal.\n", "\n", "park ranger: what makes you want to work with us \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: it’s a family tradition check out my references \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "park ranger: ok *reading resume* there is no way your uncle is-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "secretary: [bursts into the room] sorry sir but the Grand Canyon is on the phone for his nephew\n", "\n", "I tried to kill a spider with hair spray. It's still alive but its hair look amazing!\n", "\n", "Funny Laws-Alaska: persons may not live in a trailer as it is being hiked across the city.\n", "\n", "Hundreds protest in Cairo over police shooting \n", "\n", "There's no need for women to behave the way they do on their period. It's an ovary action.\n", "\n", "Do you smoke pot because weed be cute together\n", "\n", "North Korea's Kim Jong Un says H-bomb test self-defensive step against the U.S. \n", "\n", "The first school was opened in a log house in January 1901 , and the first teacher was Eliza R. Black.\n", "\n", "Her sisters were also born in Rasht.\n", "\n", "went to board my flight and there was a guy sitting in my window seat and when i told him it was mine he said “but i want it” and if that’s not this whole fuckin country i don’t know what is\n", "\n", "Early turbine examples are windmills and water wheels.\n", "\n", "To all the day mode haters, have you considered that maybe night mode is too spooky for some of us? Check your privilege.\n", "\n", "The computer beat me at chess, but I can sure as heck beat it at kickboxing.\n", "\n", "Every Bird Likes Its Own Nest\n", "\n", "Just bought a suit made from cactus.I look pretty sharp in it.\n", "\n", "professor x: what's your power?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i can summon dogs\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "professor x: stupid power\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [suddenly holding a tiny puppy] let's go buddy, he doesn't want us\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "professor x: wait\n", "\n", "all i wanna do is \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*gunshot gunshot gunshot gunshot*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "respect some women\n", "\n", "horses and time: two things you probably would like to learn about sequentially\n", "\n", "Health Is Not Valued Till Sickness Comes\n", "\n", "FBI director, Apple general counsel to testify March 1: House panel \n", "\n", "It pains me to say this...but I have a sore throat.\n", "\n", "This was also the third time the name `` Jose '' had been used to name a tropical cyclone in the Atlantic.\n", "\n", "I thought if I took the shell off my racing snail it would go faster. If anything it seems more sluggish.\n", "\n", "North Korea holding U.S. citizen for allegedly spying: CNN - \n", "\n", "A rare animal that cries like a man was found in Arabian peninsula. They used to believe that the cry was of the dead souls from the graves until they found it crying. \n", "\n", "Most time zone abbreviations as well as a large number of place names are recognized.\n", "\n", "Two suspected of raping woman in N.Y. playground give themselves up \n", "\n", "Drummer Brandon Barnes did not come into the picture until 2001 along with the band name Rise Against.\n", "\n", "You can't run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it's past tents.\n", "\n", "Myanmar presidential vote to start on March 17 as transition talks drag on: \n", "\n", "It's OK, funds.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I'm insufficient too.\n", "\n", "I like my men like I like my coffee: sealed in airtight container at the back of a dark cupboard\n", "\n", "me: how bad is it \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[later]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: what did the doctor say\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: linda....i’m dying\n", "\n", "interviewer: there's a two year gap in your resume that just says \"tore up\"?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ah yes, from the floor up\n", "\n", "My Dad got a new pair of pants. When I asked him how they fit, he said, \"like a cheap castle\". When I looked confused he said, \"no ballroom\"\n", "\n", "What do you call a man with a map on his head? Miles.\n", "\n", "I can't believe how dangerous the world is. Just yesterday, I went into a McDonalds toilets and mugged someone.\n", "\n", "Confident Trump says could 'shoot people' and not lose voters \n", "\n", "Mystery solved see you in jail you sick fuck\n", "\n", "\"if you don't want gay people to be hated, maybe don't remind people that they exist\"\n", "\n", "Why don't cannibals like clowns? Cos they taste funny.\n", "\n", "I'll sleep when I'm Dad.\n", "\n", "friend: what are you smiling about\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my brain: lol pinnie the whooh\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: nothin\n", "\n", "Red phosphorus may be formed by heating white phosphorus to 250 C or by exposing white phosphorus to sunlight.\n", "\n", "Let's grow old together. You go first.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between Santa Claus and a jew? Santa goes down the chimney\n", "\n", "Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.\n", "\n", "You, me, no power and a thunderstorm.\n", "\n", "U.S.-backed fighters capture Islamic State-held town in northeast Syria: monitor \n", "\n", "Birth control pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.\n", "\n", "At the bank, I told the cashier, \"I'd like to open a joint account please.\" \r\n", "Cashier: \"OK, with whom?\" \r\n", "Me: \"Whoever has lots of money.\"\n", "\n", "Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle.\n", "\n", "Here's what you need to know about Apple vs. FBI: \n", "\n", "See List of operas by Piccinni.\n", "\n", "White House dropped $10 million claim in Iran prisoner deal \n", "\n", "On that case , an opponent must accuse him and the piece that did not capture must go to jail.\n", "\n", "Open Not Your Door When The Devil Knocks\n", "\n", "How do you blindfold an Asian woman? Put a windshield in front of her.\n", "\n", "Meanwhile , Evanescence signed on with their first major label , Wind-up Records , and began work on their first album , Fallen.\n", "\n", "Happy anniversary to everyone trapped for another year in this dimension when their space/time travel portal was accidentally closed by their mom back home when she tripped a breaker running the microwave and the dishwasher at the same time.\n", "\n", "Saudi Arabia's deafening silence over the lifted Iran sanctions. \n", "\n", "Why do blind people walk their dogs so much?\n", "\n", "Got the missus a new bag and a new belt for Valentines Day. She'll be made up! The hoovers as good as new now.\n", "\n", "He Lives Long That Lives Well\n", "\n", "His great grandfather played at Wimbledon.\n", "\n", "me: I have simple, small dreams. to have a dog and a garden. to have my books and time to read them. perhaps the occasional vacation. maybe even healthcare. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "the economy:\n", "\n", "Life Is Not A Bed Of Roses\n", "\n", "Ever wondered how you play ping pong in space? UK astronaut Tim Peake will show you: \n", "\n", "Its French name is cafetière à piston.\n", "\n", "Kids who weren’t vaccinated are so immature because they never grow up\n", "\n", "The salmonella/romaine outbreak of 2018 was so scary that I haven’t eaten lettuce since 2006\n", "\n", "\"DADDY THERE'S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[me opening bedroom window]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: What are you doing?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?\n", "\n", "London-based Peter Owen Publishers have been long-serving advocates of Kavan 's work and continue to keep her work in print.\n", "\n", "lAre you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think we've got a problem.\n", "\n", "Families return to Damascus suburb under local ceasefire: monitor \n", "\n", "At Judgment Day 2006 Long fired Melina and Johnny Nitro from SmackDown !.\n", "\n", "I haven't slept for three days, Because that would be too long.\n", "\n", "Every Dog Is Valiant At His Own Door\n", "\n", "I didn’t want to walk 5 blocks, so I took a bus. But then I was embarrassed that I took a bus to go 5 blocks, so when we got to my stop I shouted “Oh no!” and jumped off, like something horrible happened and my plans to continue riding had been forced to change.\n", "\n", "The city is first documented in 1246.\n", "\n", "See WikiProject Geographical coordinates for further information.\n", "\n", "Paddy on a 1st Aid Course Instructor asks: \"What do you do if your child swallowed the front door key?\". Paddy: \"Climb through the window!\".\n", "\n", "The migration from water wheels to modern turbines took about one hundred years.\n", "\n", "REGULAR PERSON WATCHES A MOVIE: cool that was pretty entertaining\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "FILM CRITIC WATCHES A MOVIE: that wasn't as deep as the pit at the core of my existence, 0/4\n", "\n", "One of my emotional breakdowns finally paid off \n", "\n", "Volkswagen faces shareholder claims over emissions scandal \n", "\n", "I was working in a library and this bloke came up to me and said \"Do you have a bookmark?\" I said \"Yes, we have hundreds, but my name's Dave\"\n", "\n", "`` Book Two : The Education of a Personage '' - After the war , Amory Blaine falls in love with a New York debutante named Rosalind Connage . Because he is poor , however , this relationship collapses as well ; Rosalind decides to marry a wealthy man instead.\n", "\n", "Women are meant to be loved, not understood.\n", "\n", "PM CAMERON SAYS DRAFT EU RENEGOTIATION DOCUMENT SHOWS REAL PROGRESS IN ALL FOUR AREAS WHERE UK NEEDS CHANGE BUT THERE'S MORE WORK TO DO\n", "\n", "On 16 May 2007 , Alex Salmond became First Minister , heading the SNP administration.\n", "\n", "Expert asks U.N. to notify Kim Jong Un he may be investigated for crimes against humanity: \n", "\n", "In the early days of the colony of New South Wales , the southern part of the Lachlan was known as Fish River.\n", "\n", "How do you know Justin Bieber is Canadian? Only a Canadian could get a #1 on Billboard with a song called Sorry.\n", "\n", "GETTING MARRIED\r", "\r", "\r\n", "• expensive & boring\r", "\r", "\r\n", "• you might get divorced\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "BEFRIENDING FOREST CREATURES\r", "\r", "\r\n", "• affordable & exciting\r", "\r", "\r\n", "• you have a lifelong bond\r", "\r", "\r\n", "• the animals will help you clean the house\n", "\n", "I was just awarded a trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.\n", "\n", "why can celebrities wear any dumb shit they want and it’s “fashion” but I do it and I’m “ruining my sisters wedding” by “wearing an assless Cookie Monster costume”\n", "\n", "There's a lot of fish in the sea. Might as well catch a few, gut them, and throw them back in.\n", "\n", "The collection includes local textile work as well as religious artifacts.\n", "\n", "The national flag of Estonia is a tricolor featuring three equal horizontal bands of blue , black , and white.\n", "\n", "How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.\n", "\n", "I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.\n", "\n", "Republicans Christie, Fiorina to quit White House bids \n", "\n", "What do elephants use for a tampon? Sheep\n", "\n", "Haryanto becomes Indonesia's first F1 driver: \n", "\n", "Why should honeymoons only last six days? Because seven days makes a hole weak.\n", "\n", "[the day after I meet a genie]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *loudly* oh wow so weird\n", "\n", "how are we all doing this evening\n", "\n", "U.S. crude oil prices drop over 2 percent as market loses faith in rebound \n", "\n", "Why do midgets make bad parents? Cause they struggle to put food on the table\n", "\n", "Wife of Islamic State leader charged in death of American: U.S. Justice Dept. \n", "\n", "How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a lightbulb? YOU DON'T KNOW MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!\n", "\n", "Gloom deepens over Ukraine peace deal before Paris meeting \n", "\n", "Unpredictable results may happen using other wikitable features such as rowspanning , creating a new row within an argument , or the like.\n", "\n", "Mexico says 11 pregnant women infected with Zika \n", "\n", "Crows Do Not Pick Crow's Eyes\n", "\n", "To become a successful doctor you must have a lot of patients.\n", "\n", "Do people really think pro choice folks want more dead babies?? Like when a medical miracle occurs and parents get a healthy, wanted child, we grumble and cross our arms \"coulda been killed tho >:(\"\n", "\n", "carpe diem is latin for fish jeans\n", "\n", "Math jokes aren't funny. Nothing about math is funny. Math is a sin.\n", "\n", "Company in 1891.\n", "\n", "Doctor: I have good news and I have bad news.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Ugh. Bad news first.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Doctor: You have 3 months to live.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Wha- What's the GOOD news?!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Doctor: You'll be dead long before your wife gives birth to my son.\n", "\n", "Installing Twinkle is easy.\n", "\n", "Five children hurt in school attack in southeast Turkey blamed on PKK \n", "\n", "Xerox to split into two, Icahn to get board seats in one: \n", "\n", "What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!\n", "\n", "Did you know that the people of Dubai don't like the Flintones? But Abu Dhabi do.\n", "\n", "A cannibal passed his friend in the woods.\n", "\n", "Skeletons in medieval art\n", "\n", "[happy gasp]\n", "\n", "every word in this headline gave me a different mood swing\n", "\n", "It is a viscous black liquid.\n", "\n", "If I drink Neosporin will it make my insides painless\n", "\n", "Things that are not worth it:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "5. Extended warranty \r", "\r", "\r\n", "4. Raiding the hotel mini-bar\r", "\r", "\r\n", "3. Extravagant wedding\r", "\r", "\r\n", "2. Arguing online\r", "\r", "\r\n", "1. Killing John Wick’s dog\n", "\n", "How Honeywell turned the tables on United Tech \n", "\n", "Merkel presses Putin to ensure Ukraine ceasefire holds \n", "\n", "Let be the round function and let be the sub-keys for the rounds respectively.\n", "\n", "Clinton, Sanders race takes on angrier tone after Nevada \n", "\n", "Indian armed forces to recruit women for all combat roles: president \n", "\n", "Many police officers carry clipboards.\n", "\n", "Ferguson, Missouri releases details of proposed consent decree \n", "\n", "Halo 4: Saving more Teen pregnancies than Trojan.\n", "\n", "The closing credits show Mei and Satsuki 's mother returning home and feature scenes of Satsuki and Mei playing with other children , with Totoro and his friends as unseen observers.\n", "\n", "What do you call a man with a car number plate on his head? Reg.\n", "\n", "FIFA aims to start afresh with leadership vote: FIFAelection \n", "\n", "Harry Potter to return to bookstores in script for London play \n", "\n", "Thomas Mann wrote of Tolstoy 's seemingly guileless artistry : `` Seldom did art work so much like nature ''.\n", "\n", "I see a striking resemblance between Justin Bieber and Elton John.\n", "\n", "I consider \"On Time\" to be when I get there.\n", "\n", "Republicans blame Obama, urge China to curb North Korea nuclear activity \n", "\n", "People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to STFU. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.\n", "\n", "Bundy tells protesters to 'please go home': \n", "\n", "Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no\n", "\n", "Son: Dad, why do you wear shirts with no sleeves out in public?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Well, you see son. I’m a piece of shit.\n", "\n", "Bodies may be electrified in many other ways , as well as by friction.\n", "\n", "Household debt is the debt held by households.\n", "\n", "ladies we rebranding to a stupid girl summer. catch feelings for someone who lives hundreds of miles away! hook up with your ex! get matching neck tattoos and have a twilight themed shotgun wedding with the person you've been talking to for 2 weeks!\n", "\n", "I was at my local grocery store and one of my kids insisted that the tampons I was buying were candy and the other decided to correct him by yelling THOSE ARE TAMPONS AND THEY ARE FOR MOMMY’S WEINER.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "And we never went back there again the end.\n", "\n", "Love: Nature's way of tricking people into reproducing.\n", "\n", "Mexico unleashes surprise rate hike to smoke out speculators: \n", "\n", "Terry made an agreement with Danielle that if either of them won the final immunity challenge , they would take the second place winner to the final two.\n", "\n", "Israeli troops kill Palestinian after soldiers attacked in West Bank \n", "\n", "A common way that these are depicted in a single scene is with one woman and two men performing together.\n", "\n", "The great white shark , Carcharodon carcharias , also known as great white , white pointer , white shark , or white death , is a large lamniform shark found in coastal surface waters in all major oceans . The great white shark is very well known for its size , because it can exceed 6 m in length and 2240 k in weight.\n", "\n", "How many ants does it take to rent a house? Ten ants\n", "\n", "What do you call a Scottish man who works in a cloakroom? Angus Mccoatup\n", "\n", "Masked mob threatening migrants go on the rampage in Stockholm \n", "\n", "What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and consider lube.\n", "\n", "Lost my mood ring.. Not sure how I feel about this.\n", "\n", "Three days after being hospitalized , Neruda died of heart failure . Already a legend in life , Neruda 's death reverberated around the world.\n", "\n", "Soon Marcello is burning with jealousy.\n", "\n", "Fortunato goes with Montresor to the wine cellars of the latter 's palazzo , where they wander in the catacombs . Montresor offers De Grave , a wine , to Fortunato ; at one point , Fortunato makes an elaborate and - to the narrator 's eyes - grotesque gesture with an upraised wine bottle.\n", "\n", "For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday. #idontwanttobeold\n", "\n", "Mr. President, you’re from Queens. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "You may fool the rest of the country, but I’ll call your bluff any day of the week.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Opening an impeachment inquiry is exactly what we must do when the President obstructs justice, advises witnesses to ignore legal subpoenas, & more.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bye \n", "\n", "Never Been Kissed was produced by Drew Barrymore 's production company , Flower Films.\n", "\n", "Went to my son's school today and he told the kid next to him \"my dad is the best dad in the whole universe\" and I was like yeah take that news back to your lame ass dad kid\n", "\n", "Y’all don’t know what it was like before memes. One joke from Billy Madison had to last you like 5 years\n", "\n", "I'm sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?\n", "\n", "Belgium identifies three Paris attack plot safe houses \n", "\n", "I've always had a difficult relationship with my parents. When I was first born I didn't speak to them for 2 years.\n", "\n", "Africa vote could hold key to FIFA presidential election \n", "\n", "Irony: The Bible is the best-selling book in the world, with more than 50 copies a minute, but also the most shoplifted book.\n", "\n", "i need more Off Menu you big stupid idiots @EdGambleComedy @JamesAcaster\n", "\n", "Ukko also gave good luck for hunting.\n", "\n", "To signal fair catch the receiver must raise one arm fully above his head and wave it side to side , while the ball is in flight.\n", "\n", "What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear\n", "\n", "'Plane debris' washes up on Malaysian east coast \n", "\n", "White House says it wants North Koreans to end provocative acts and commit to denuclearization\n", "\n", "My neighbour Mohammed has given up white water rafting. He's now a Muslim ex-streamist.\n", "\n", "Israel would consider invitation to peace talks with Palestinians: spokesman \n", "\n", "The true parrots are about 330 species of bird belonging to the Psittacidae family , one of the two `` traditional '' families in the biological order Psittaciformes.\n", "\n", "Turkey's top judge defends court independence after Erdogan criticism \n", "\n", "Philosophically this can be stated as `` nothing depends on time per se ''.\n", "\n", "me: my dentist just filled me in on something\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: oh, I get it. lol\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: he said you two were having an affair\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: does it help that I laughed at the filling joke tho?\n", "\n", "Mauro Ramos , full name Mauro Ramos de Oliveira , was a Brazilian football player.\n", "\n", "Coachella is what you get when you don’t cook your millennials enough before eating them.\n", "\n", "Who’s paying for the WHO – and for how long? \n", "\n", "I've got a joke about a tendon but it's a bit close to the bone.\n", "\n", "What does a clock do when it gets hungry? It goes back four seconds. \n", "\n", "It isn't an optical illusion. It just looks like one.\n", "\n", "Its name comes from Norse mythology , where Thrymr is a Jotun or frost giant.\n", "\n", "You can almost hear him praying to God: please let this be it \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: fuck no hahahaha\n", "\n", "It is whitish-gray crane with a black head , red crown patch , black upper neck and legs , and white patch to the rear of the eye.\n", "\n", "Texas executes inmate convicted of murdering female impersonator: official \n", "\n", "I was woken at 3 o'clock this morning by my burglar alarm. \"Time to go out robbing,\" I yawned.\n", "\n", "Yo Mama is so stupid she enjoys the musical stylings of Nickelback.\n", "\n", "These have to come last , so that special cases get treated first.\n", "\n", "Burkina Faso's ex-president becomes citizen of Ivory Coast \n", "\n", "In 1795 he ran away for the last time , forming a gang of runaways in the process.\n", "\n", "In conclusion : I’m an idiot\n", "\n", "The nature of these eyes means that if one were to peer into the pupil of an eye , one would see the same image that the organism would see , reflected back out.\n", "\n", "`` The Best Damn Thing '' is the fourth and final single from Canadian singer-songwriter Avril Lavigne 's third studio album The Best Damn Thing.\n", "\n", "Vibrators:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "-know how to please\r", "\r", "\r\n", "-comes with clear instructions\r", "\r", "\r\n", "-doesnt tell me to smile\r", "\r", "\r\n", "-wont make me listen to their slam poetry\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Men:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "-sometimes funny\r", "\r", "\r\n", "-has never died inside of me\n", "\n", "“Number 69” just got called out at this cafe and I was the only the only person who said nice. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "What is wrong with the world\n", "\n", "Life is like a box of chocolates; it doesn't last as long for fat people.\n", "\n", "Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!\n", "\n", "What did the cheese say when it saw it's self in the mirror? Halloumi!\n", "\n", "War does not determine who is right – only who is left.\n", "\n", "Now we are drunk , each goes their way.\n", "\n", "Thailand's 'sea gypsies' fight for access to ancestral shrines \n", "\n", "When i was three my parents said we were going to visit grandma and it wasnt until we got to her gravestone that they informed me she was dead\n", "\n", "Colombia's defense minister investigated over rebel visit \n", "\n", "The publication is much like the Klagspiegel of 1436.\n", "\n", "First encounter in history between Roman Catholic pope and Russian Orthodox patriarch: \n", "\n", "What do you call two chess enthusiasts bragging in a lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.\n", "\n", "How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.\n", "\n", "Hares May Pull Dead Lions By The Beard\n", "\n", "One month later , she claimed three gold medals at her first appearance at the Biathlon World Championships.\n", "\n", "CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Yea\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Are these questions\n", "\n", "Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless you're fat.\n", "\n", "Social media is the perfect tool to impress 9 acquaintances from high school in exchange for being sad always\n", "\n", "I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes\n", "\n", "Teacher \"Hi, why are you here?\" \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me \"Um, isn't this the beginners' philosophy class?\" \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Teacher \"Yes and you're off to a really bad start.\"\n", "\n", "Dozens of migrants die in the sea off Somaliland \n", "\n", "Unknown gunmen shoot, wound Georgian opposition leader Petriashvili: ministry \n", "\n", "[Bob Marley voice]:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Juggalo soldier,\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Insane clownster\n", "\n", "Wiley 's Well is a remote , natural artesian well in the Colorado Desert of Southern California as well as the name of the region immediately surrounding it.\n", "\n", "I was arguing with my girlfriend in Nandos when my best mate ran off with the garlic bread and coleslaw! I wish he would stop taking sides.\n", "\n", "It was just a hamburger, but it grew and soon it had eyes and a mouth. When it grew a body, I started praying. When they made it Mayor, I started questioning everything.\n", "\n", "Sterling strengthens as UK employment hits record high: \n", "\n", "sorry hermione but why did you spend the Yule ball hung up on Ron when you could have been banging Krum, you played yourself\n", "\n", "The Short-beaked Echidna can live as long as forty-five years in the wild.\n", "\n", "Heimdall was destined to be the last of the gods to perish at Ragnarök when he and Loki would slay one another.\n", "\n", "The History Channel +1. Where History repeats itself.\n", "\n", "Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: She told me to tell you it's fine\n", "\n", "If you keep throwing water at the thirsty girls, I'll keep throwing sponges.\n", "\n", "What's long, black, and dangerous to cut? The line at KFC.\n", "\n", "The high-ranking executives who have taken heat in the FIFA scandal\n", "\n", "My friend has got an excellent nose for wine. It's shaped like a corkscrew.\n", "\n", "She was first shown in the guise of Sheik , but it was later revealed that Sheik was one of two forms.\n", "\n", "Many creeks empty into it , but the most water comes from the Mint River.\n", "\n", "Such louvers may be integrated in between two panes of double glazing.\n", "\n", "a Chinese character tattoo that means “cultural appropriation”\n", "\n", "Why should Steve Irwin have put on sunscreen? To protect himself from the harmful rays.\n", "\n", "her dad: just as long as you didn't sleep together\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: promise\n", "\n", "The Great Nundle Dog Race , only open to working dogs , is run on the first Sunday in May and attracts many visitors.\n", "\n", "Carey Means is an American voice actor best known for playing Frylock in the Adult Swim show Aqua Teen Hunger Force.\n", "\n", "I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised!\n", "\n", "Honours Change Manners\n", "\n", "pizza can feel you eating it\n", "\n", "Why do orphans play tennis? Cause it's the only love they can get.\n", "\n", "[desert island]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: look!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: what?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: a boat!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: HEEEEEELP!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *writing* day 287, she's still afraid of boats\n", "\n", "Inward flow water turbines have a better mechanical arrangement and all modern reaction water turbines are of this design.\n", "\n", "His crown and face is violet and black.\n", "\n", "Turkey detains 34 people with explosives, suicide vests at Syrian border: media \n", "\n", "@steak_umm\n", "\n", "Me: The kids haven't eaten their sandwiches\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: ok just throw them out\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[Later]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I'm as surprised as you are\n", "\n", "Suspected Islamist militants attack Mali U.N. base, several dead \n", "\n", "me: [ties a cherry stem into a heart with my tongue] ;) \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "date: sorry i'm just feeling kinda depressed right now\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [ties cherry stem into a noose] ;)\n", "\n", "Accused Colorado clinic shooter intends to plead guilty, expects execution: report \n", "\n", "Italian Senate approves diluted civil union bill \n", "\n", "Paulo Isidoro , full name Paulo Isidoro de Jesus , was a Brazilian football player.\n", "\n", "Hello I would like to go to the beach and also be haunted by a cursed item.\n", "\n", "When people ask why I'm still single. I tell them I'm single by choice. Unfortunately, it's not my choice.\n", "\n", "Oil powers meet in Doha for private pow-wow as $30 crude woes mount: \n", "\n", "A girl called me, she told me to come over because no one was home. Sure enough, no one was there.\n", "\n", "NATO looks to combat Russia's 'information weapon', according to draft plans: \n", "\n", "Obama bans solitary confinement for juveniles in federal prisons \n", "\n", "Brazil says Zika virus outbreak worse than believed \n", "\n", "U.S. Route in New York\n", "\n", "I don't know a lot about politics, but I can recognise a good party when I see one.\n", "\n", "What do skid marks on the toilet bowl and girlfriends have in common? They're both easy to piss off.\n", "\n", "The woman next door keeps flashing me from her upstairs bedroom window.I've no idea how she got the car up there though.\n", "\n", "My wife just left me because of my obsession with cricket. It's really hit me for 6.\n", "\n", "Kebabs are often eaten as take-away food on the way home after a night out.\n", "\n", "North Korea notifies IMO of planned satellite launch \n", "\n", "How many sound technicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One two, One two\n", "\n", "Differences in Islam play role in refugee crisis, says Miliband \n", "\n", "My boss said \"You're the worst fucking train driver ever. How many trains have you derailed to date?\" I replied \"It's hard to keep track.\"\n", "\n", "London kicks off fashion shows amid catwalk shake-up \n", "\n", "In Mein Kampf , Hitler refers to Martin Luther as a great warrior , a true statesman , and a great reformer , alongside Wagner and Frederick the Great.\n", "\n", "When taking off , albatrosses need to take a run up to allow enough air to move under the wing to provide lift.\n", "\n", "UAE says ready to support anti-Islamic State coalition with troops \n", "\n", "Myanmar arrests leader of Saffron Revolution on immigration charges: media \n", "\n", "What do you call a sheep with no legs?\r\n", "A cloud\n", "\n", "The lemming oath: \"Repeat after me.\"\n", "\n", "EU says puzzled by Hungarian migrant referendum \n", "\n", "Every war ever would disagree with you\n", "\n", "Most Americans want Obama to nominate Scalia's replacement, says poll. \n", "\n", "Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese\n", "\n", "Fiji super cyclone kills 10 and raises fears of health crisis \n", "\n", "Apple sells fewer iPhones than expected in latest quarter \n", "\n", "Respect your parents. They did school without google or Wikipedia.\n", "\n", "U.S. shares tumble; Brent crude slips below $30 \n", "\n", "Hurwicz combined Wald 's ideas with work done in 1812 by Pierre-Simon Laplace.\n", "\n", "They settled in New York City.\n", "\n", "North Korea rocket launch may spur U.S. missile defence buildup in Asia: \n", "\n", "The Australian Black Swan is completely black except for the white flight feathers on its wings ; the chicks of black swans are light gray in color , and the South American Black-necked Swan has a black neck.\n", "\n", "UK cathedral moves statue to avoid texting mishaps: \n", "\n", "What’s wrong with the World Health Organization? Diagnosis here: \n", "\n", "Italy's navy rescues 700 migrants from six boats, four found dead \n", "\n", "What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? Getting fingered by Captain Hook\n", "\n", "Report card on aboriginal Australians paints bleak picture \n", "\n", "Wife to husband: \" our neighbor is wondering if he could borrow his mower\"\n", "\n", "Me: Well boys as one door closes another one opens \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Submarine crew: *screaming*\n", "\n", "Russian Roulette: You win some, you lose one.\n", "\n", "For the smaller territories , the UK may appoint a UK-based lawyer or judge to work on legal cases.\n", "\n", "Accused Oregon refuge occupier cites devil, demands $666,666,666,666.66 damages from U.S.: \n", "\n", "See also :.\n", "\n", "Ragdoll Productions is a United Kingdom company that produces children 's television shows.\n", "\n", "Pay for your pictures and videos? Sounds super tempting, but I’m just going to put dollar bills in my paper shredder instead.\n", "\n", "Passion spent, Scots yet to be fired up by Britain's EU vote \n", "\n", "The Baudelaire children have left the unspecified city in which they live to spend the day at the deserted Briny Beach.\n", "\n", "Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get pizza?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Yes.\n", "\n", "White House raises concerns about harm to civilians in Yemen \n", "\n", "Saudi Arabia warns against 'nefarious activities' by Iran \n", "\n", "Bid to mine more coal on U.S. federal lands tests Obama's green agenda \n", "\n", "[sexting]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "He: What are your measurements?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,\r", "\r", "\r\n", "He: WTF\r", "\r", "\r\n", "She: I A M T H E K R A K E N\n", "\n", "Major powers agree on plan to break Syria deadlock \n", "\n", "WikiLeaks' Assange 'unlawfully detained' in Ecuador embassy, U.N. panel to rule \n", "\n", "The Hornets opted to keep their base of operations in Oklahoma City for the 2006 - 07 season due to the continued recovery efforts in New Orleans but promised to return to New Orleans full time , possibly as early as 2007.\n", "\n", "A book of poems for children entitled Mother Goose 's Melody was published in England in 1781 , and the name `` Mother Goose '' has been associated with children 's poetry ever since.\n", "\n", "5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.\n", "\n", "Different instructions may take different amounts of time.\n", "\n", "Mopeds are like fat birds! It's loads of fun until your mates find out you've ridden one.\n", "\n", "Green was replaced with two new members , drummer Benjamin Weikel and guitarist Dann Gallucci.\n", "\n", "At least 23 civilians killed as missiles hit three hospitals and a school in Syrian towns: \n", "\n", "Give Every Man Thy Ear, But Few Thy Voice\n", "\n", "We live in the WTF generation: Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.\n", "\n", "my airpods accidentally disconnected and now everyone at grandma's funeral knows I'm listening to Old Town Road\n", "\n", "The Proof Of The Pudding Is In The Eating\n", "\n", "His son drowned in the Yarra River.\n", "\n", "See also Fruit tree pollination.\n", "\n", "Some 200,000 at risk in Turkey's fight against Kurdish militants: Amnesty - \n", "\n", "The weft threads are usually wool or cotton , but may include silk , gold , silver , or other alternatives.\n", "\n", "The first company of pioneers arrived in the area May 2 , 1900 , and began the construction of the Sidon Canal to bring water to the town from the Shoshone River.\n", "\n", "I've been single for so long now, when somebody says to me, 'Who are you with?', I automatically say: 'Vodafone'.\n", "\n", "Saudi Arabia stops Yemen-bound ship carrying communications equipment \n", "\n", "I ordered an Asian Hooker, she arrived 2 hours late. She loves me wrong time.\n", "\n", "His first two studio albums , Room for Squares and Heavier Things , did well commercially , achieving multi-platinum status.\n", "\n", "The next day at school , Leslie compliments Jess ' drawing ability after seeing his notebook , and they soon become best friends.\n", "\n", "my wife, to another guy: I love you\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: what the fuck\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my wife: just change his diaper\n", "\n", "What's green and goes \"Riggit Riggit\" ?A frog with badly fitting false teeth.\n", "\n", "Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.\n", "\n", "Hummingbirds are birds comprising the family Trochilidae.\n", "\n", "Me: [on phone] hey babe you’ll never guess-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: [sees jail on caller ID] you hit a cop car again didn’t you?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: let me finish, you’ll never guess who I ran into today.\n", "\n", "Jews and Christians believe that true peace comes from a personal relationship with God.\n", "\n", "Syrian opposition says attacks by government forces are wrecking the truce deal: \n", "\n", "As a masochist I enjoy getting up at 3am and having a cold shower. So I don't.\n", "\n", "It pushed water into the Pamlico Sound.\n", "\n", "Don't Look A Gift Horse In The Mouth\n", "\n", "To Go Through Fire And Water (Through Thick And Thin)\n", "\n", "Obama makes his first visit to a U.S. mosque to counter Republican rhetoric about Muslims: \n", "\n", "What do you do if your baby comes out black? Cook the next one on a lower temperature.\n", "\n", "Sri Lankan nationalists protest U.N. rights chief's visit on war crimes \n", "\n", "Li Bai is best known for the extravagant imagination and striking Taoist imagery in his poetry , as well as for his great love for liquor.\n", "\n", "I come from an “all-you-can-eat” family.\n", "\n", "Seized Marcos property, jewelry up for sale: \n", "\n", "What invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts\n", "\n", "When girls say \"let's just be friends\" it's like your mom telling you that your dog died but you can still keep it.\n", "\n", "Suspected suicide bombers attack market in northern Cameroon; number of dead, injured unclear: local official\n", "\n", "[Files missing person report]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[Puts up flyers]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[Assembles search party]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: Wtf, I've been home all weekend.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Oh, so you did get my text.\n" ] }, { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "\n", "Fagin then goes to convince Sykes that his plan is air-tight enough to pay him his money.\n", "\n", "How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable. You give him AIDS\n", "\n", "Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out.\n", "\n", "All parents have a favourite child \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Good parents pretend they don’t\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Great parents at least make it one of their own\n", "\n", "That awkward moment when you realize the moment is just that.\n", "\n", "What lies at the bottom of the sea and whimpers? A nervous wreck.\n", "\n", "friend: have you seen my rollerblades?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [slowly gliding towards him] I have not\n", "\n", "Greece says four of five migrant hotspot centers ready \n", "\n", "Germany takes on Facebook in first-ever competition probe - \n", "\n", "them: oh dude i meant the song \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: oh yeah sorry haha i totally knew that no problem haha\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "them: haha ...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: haha\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "them: ...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: you want me to let go of-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "them: please let go of my hands yes\n", "\n", "South African President Zuma postpones Iran trip \n", "\n", "As a rule of thumb , use one third as much dried as fresh thyme - a little less if it is ground.\n", "\n", "Congolese boy attacked by chimps will undergo a rare double-lip reconstruction in New York: \n", "\n", "Neither attempted to predict new elements.\n", "\n", " China detects first imported Zika case - Xinhua news agency\n", "\n", "ME, 10: I want to live in the forest with the wildlife & use blueberries as currency\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME, 20: I want a big house with an attractive spouse & a big pile of money\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME, 30: I want to live in the forest with the wildlife & use blueberries as currency\n", "\n", "[bee movie except it's about cum]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "so, ya like jizz?\n", "\n", "Parts of Europe , including much of Scandinavia , never adopted many feudal institutions , including serfdom.\n", "\n", "People from the east and west coasts call this part of the country \"the heartland\" so they can bypass it.\n", "\n", "Israel sees Palestinian attacks 'waning'; one killed in West Bank \n", "\n", "U.S. student detained in North Korea 'over hotel incident' \n", "\n", "Bomb kills five soldiers in western Pakistan \n", "\n", "I've got a dog called Curiosity.\n", "\n", "It is played with black and white stones on a 15x15 intersection Go board.\n", "\n", "A lion would never cheat on his wife. But a Tiger Wood.\n", "\n", "UK economic growth still in the doldrums in February: \n", "\n", "Another band whose members saw the Ramones perform , The Damned , played their first show two days later.\n", "\n", "David Bowie dies after 18-month battle with cancer - Twitter account: \n", "\n", "friend: it’s just a prank with spray paint \r", "\r", "\r\n", "me slowing down to 0.50 mph on the highway: can’t risk it\n", "\n", "Despite Libya urgency, hurdles to quick action against Islamic State \n", "\n", "ASEAN says seriously concerned about rising South China Sea tensions \n", "\n", "My second job is killing me, but I can't survive without it. So, you see my dilemma.\n", "\n", "Putting a bell around a cow's neck to circumvent its stealthiness is just wrong. I say let them hunt.\n", "\n", "Kohl's exploring taking itself private: WSJ \n", "\n", "Me: *Holds up drawing* is this the guy?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Witness: that looks nothing like him\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN\n", "\n", "Whoever stole my body wash better come clean!\n", "\n", "'No deal yet' says EU's Tusk after meeting with UK's Cameron \n", "\n", "Irish main opposition leader predicts stable government \n", "\n", "I met my wife at speed dating. She was livid.\n", "\n", "What do you call a leper in a hot tub? Soup.\n", "\n", "I work for the NHS dealing with moving patients between different areas of the hospital..It's a re-warding job.\n", "\n", "Preparing for a dentist appointment is so much effort. Brush your teeth, scrub your tongue, trim your nose hair, sacrifice a goat to the God of Enamel\n", "\n", "It averages 4 feet long but may grow to be 6 feet long.\n", "\n", "The first to do so was Thales , who called this material Water.\n", "\n", "the first time I went to the club with my friends, some random guy came up to me and streched out his arms for a hug. I felt bad for him so I hugged him for a few seconds, then he looked at me and said \"I'm a bouncer, I was telling you to stretch ur arms out so I can search you\"\n", "\n", "Sometimes you gotta send a tit pic to get what you need. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Anyway, the church will let us set up early for the craft show on Saturday.\n", "\n", "The name Anita was later retired.\n", "\n", "In American football , a member of the team receiving a punt or kick , may signal for a `` fair catch ''.\n", "\n", "Wal-Mart reports in-line fall in quarterly profit \n", "\n", "Sunday is considered the first day of the week in some countries , although today many countries such as the United Kingdom regard Sunday as the seventh day , at least in the working week and the civil week.\n", "\n", "Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.\n", "\n", "zookeeper: over here are the penguins\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ice chickens\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "zookeeper: and over here are the giraffes\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: long neck horses\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "zookeeper: and finally over here are the hippos\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [cocking gun] danger pigs that killed my dad\n", "\n", "me: wow your kid drew this horse?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "friend: it’s a dog but yeah\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: omg your dog drew this horse?\n", "\n", "Living with microcephaly: \n", "\n", "Very large Francis and Kaplan machines usually have vertical shafts because this makes best use of the available head , and makes installation of a generator more economical.\n", "\n", "Food may sometimes make an appearance in the feces.\n", "\n", "HOW DO YOU CLEAR OUT AND IRAQI BINGO HALL? CALL OUT \"B-52\".\n", "\n", "The king comes back in at this moment and thinks Haman is assaulting the queen ; this makes him angrier than before and he orders Haman hanged on the gallows that had been prepared for Mordechai.\n", "\n", "I am going to see if money really is happiness. I am now taking donations.\n", "\n", "How many people in denial does it take to change a light bulb? There is nothing wrong with the light bulb!\n", "\n", "I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters\n", "\n", "EU security chiefs brace for more Islamist attacks: \n", "\n", "Elvis Presley was clearly illiterate. It's L for Las Vegas, Not V!\n", "\n", "the signs as drugs:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "aries - PCP\r", "\r", "\r\n", "taurus - cough syrup\r", "\r", "\r\n", "gemini - cocaine\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cancer - LSD\r", "\r", "\r\n", "leo - ecstasy \r", "\r", "\r\n", "virgo - alcohol\r", "\r", "\r\n", "libra - opiates\r", "\r", "\r\n", "scorpio - DMT\r", "\r", "\r\n", "sagittarius - ketamine \r", "\r", "\r\n", "capricorn - shrooms\r", "\r", "\r\n", "aquarius - nitrous \r", "\r", "\r\n", "pisces - all + weed\n", "\n", "WAFFLE HOUSE EMPLOYEE: I know we're open 24 hours but it's been 3 days, please leave\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [gazes out window and locks eyes with the wolf that's been patiently stalking me for weeks]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [turns back to WH employee] I'm good here, thanks\n", "\n", "I had three dates today. They were incredible. Three more tomorrow. Thing is, I have to finish this box of dates before it expires.\n", "\n", "Lampard has two children , Luna and Isla , with Elen Rives.\n", "\n", "Many expatriates and well heeled Singaporeans tend to stay in this region.\n", "\n", "Here's a FedEx joke - actually, you'll get it tomorrow\n", "\n", "sorry babe, the wii remote wrist strap stays ON during sex \n", "\n", "I don't know why, but someone keeps mysteriously adding soil to my allotment patch each night. The plot thickens.\n", "\n", "Hundreds of kids are shipped off to \"Mime Boarding School\" every year, never to be heard from again.\n", "\n", "Groups urge Kerry to work for release of U.S. man 'left behind' after Iran prisoner deal: \n", "\n", "My parents divorced because my mother had an affair with a demolition man. Home wrecker!\n", "\n", "Do you know why surgeons use masks? It is to be not recognised again.\n", "\n", "A war between the Others and the survivors comes to a head , and the survivors make contact with a rescue team.\n", "\n", "What if Taylor Swift and Adele started dating and then broke up?\n", "\n", "This is why none of them came to my brunch, isn’t it? Flu season my ass... I CAN’T STAY MAD THEY TOO SESSY #LetsGoToWork\n", "\n", "How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None, the bulb will change itself when its ready.\n", "\n", "me: try this \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "astronaut: how did you get in here\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: that doesn't matter, do you want some or not \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "astronaut: no\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *floating off into the distance* ˢᵖᵃᶜᵉ ᶜᵃᵏᵉ\n", "\n", "People in the Bishigram Valley speak Torwali and in the Tirat Valley they speak Pashto.\n", "\n", "Her mother Mary Fairlee Cooper was a New York socialite.\n", "\n", "Additionally , the branch name is displayed beneath the line name.\n", "\n", "What do cannibals like to drink in the morning? Bloody Mary\n", "\n", "\"Criminal Lawyer\" is redundant.\n", "\n", "He Is A Good Friend That Speaks Well Of Us Behind Our Backs\n", "\n", "Roses are dead, Violets are dead, I'm shit at gardening.\n", "\n", "BSELP003 - Endangered Species LP BSELP3EP1 - Endangered Species LP Part One A. Black Sun Empire - Potemkin B. Black Sun Empire & Noisia - Winter War C. Black Sun Empire - Don't You D. Jade - Acid Flood\n", "\n", "Nevada governor rules himself out of Supreme Court consideration \n", "\n", "Do you ever see your face from a different angle and have a mental breakdown?\n", "\n", "What do you call a man with a haggis on his head? Scott\n", "\n", "Have you heard about those new alphabet hand grenades? If one of those goes off it could spell 'disaster'\n", "\n", "Those with myopia see near objects clearly but far away objects appear blurred.\n", "\n", "United Technologies quarterly revenue falls 4.5 percent \n", "\n", "COP: Know why I pulled you over?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Speeding?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "COP: Yep. What else?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Driving drunk?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "COP: Correct. One more.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "COP:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Broken tail light?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "COP: Ooh, no, sorry. Drug smuggling.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Damn it, I almost said that!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "COP: Next time. Drive safe now!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HOSTAGE IN TRUNK: You too, officer!\n", "\n", "UK economic growth still in the doldrums in February - CBI \n", "\n", "He Is Not Laughed At That Laughs At Himself First\n", "\n", "Sewing fake pockets in to women’s clothing is a hate crime.\n", "\n", "Uganda rights group receives hundreds of complaints from women about vote \n", "\n", "Bran Stark My Dad\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " I'm going to go now.\n", "\n", "They take around three to five years to mature , and may live as long as fifty years.\n", "\n", "Enough Is As Good As A Feast\n", "\n", "[job interview]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i always give 100%\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "principal: we can’t have that\n", "\n", "Mike Tyson was arrested for beating up a pizza waitress. As he was finish eating, she asked \"You wanna box for the rest of your pizza?\"\n", "\n", "It must be difficult to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.\n", "\n", "Oh I get it. Fun onions.\n", "\n", "Apple CEO Tim Cook opposes court order to help FBI unlock iPhone: \n", "\n", "I just saw a guy in the pub carrying 12 pints of lager. I thought, that guy can really hold his drink.\n", "\n", "When I get up on the counters in the breakroom and my boss spritzes me with a spray bottle, it is but a game to me. And you cannot win, sir.\n", "\n", "Documents show Bin Laden's wishes for $29 million of his funds, possessions after his death: \n", "\n", "What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women\n", "\n", "Woman raped by five men in New York City park, police say \n", "\n", "Illegal is an incorrect and hateful term. And it's especially inaccurate in this context. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Allow me to explain.\n", "\n", "The mezzanine floor has long since disappeared.\n", "\n", "Actions Speak Louder Than Words\n", "\n", "Thunder is the sound made by lightning.\n", "\n", "Being the only boy in his class to have never kissed a girl , Butters purchases his first kiss from Sally , a girl who gives away kisses for $ 5.\n", "\n", "Catholic Church abuse victims call for meeting with Pope \n", "\n", "The book was first published in the US by Poseidon Press in 1982.\n", "\n", "Two die in Nepal's second plane crash in two days \n", "\n", "Death of former leader poses potential problems for Nepal: \n", "\n", "For more about the time zones of the U.S. and other time zones see time in the United States and time zone.\n", "\n", "If guns don't kill people, people kill people, does that mean that toasters don't toast toast, toast toast toast?\n", "\n", "Syrian opposition says Kerry applies pressure over peace talks \n", "\n", "South Korea, China defense officials to discuss North Korea test: Yonhap \n", "\n", "In Homer , Rhea is the mother of the gods , though not a universal mother like Cybele , the Phrygian Great Mother , with whom she was later identified.\n", "\n", "me: how bad is it \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[later]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: what did the doctor say\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: linda....i’m dying\n", "\n", "Leicester and Tottenham face huge title tests \n", "\n", "Many Americans unwittingly own a piece of the gun industry. Do you?\n", "\n", "First rule of Thesaurus Club. You don't talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gossip, utter...\n", "\n", "Twitter management departures unnerve investors: \n", "\n", "One Hundred and One Dalmatians was first released to theaters on January 25 , 1961.\n", "\n", "Okay, I finally watched FLEABAG, it was fine I guess but I have an issue, minor spoilers - at the end, how do I watch anything else or make anything else or live my life or breathe or feel or care or walk or fly did I fly am I here is it me do I live though this now what how but\n", "\n", "What's the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly your dick up your girlfriend's arse!\n", "\n", "Laws Catch Flies, But Let Hornets Go Free\n", "\n", "U.S. Supreme Court set to hear challenge to public sector unions \n", "\n", "Also , superposition eyes can achieve greater sensitivity than apposition eyes , so are better suited to dark-dwelling creatures.\n", "\n", "Indian student held on sedition charge bailed after free-speech protests \n", "\n", "He That Has He Head Needs No Hat\n", "\n", "His wish came true.\n", "\n", "Smuggling soars as Venezuela's economy sinks \n", "\n", "mayor: we now present you with a key to the city\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*crowd cheers*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[3am that night]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "random dude in his bed: what are you doing in my house\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: the mayor said i could\n", "\n", "UPDATE: Pope's comments on Trump should not be seen as a personal attack, nor an indication of who to vote for - Papal spokesman\n", "\n", "A Quiet Conscience Sleeps In Thunder\n", "\n", "quitting caffeine has some unfortunate side effects, like headaches and telling everyone that you've quit caffeine\n", "\n", "My levels of drunk:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "1. I love you guys\r", "\r", "\r\n", "2. British accent\r", "\r", "\r\n", "3. Dry humping shrubbery\r", "\r", "\r\n", "4. Shhhh, I'm singing!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "5. Aaaaaand Send\n", "\n", "It was the last full decade of both the 20th century and the 2nd millennium.\n", "\n", "Its name is Earthlings : Ugly Bags of Mostly Water.\n", "\n", "Asia shares take breather as mood calms a little \n", "\n", "What has 12 hands, 12 legs, and 12 eyes? 12 pirates. \n", "\n", "Stages of breakup\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "1. Breakup\r", "\r", "\r\n", "2. Drink yourself stupid\r", "\r", "\r\n", "3. Text him \r", "\r", "\r\n", "4. Text him again, maybe a slutty picture\r", "\r", "\r\n", "6. Call him\r", "\r", "\r\n", "7.\n", "\n", "Bold Jack Donahue is recorded as the last convict bushranger.\n", "\n", "Some nudibranchs have smooth or warty backs and have no visible gill mechanism , such that respiration may likely take place directly through the skin.\n", "\n", "With the amount of money it costs to go see a movie in theaters nowadays you should also get a voucher for a free copy of that movie when it gets released digitally. This has been the musings of an old man.\n", "\n", "Senior Pakistani Taliban commander vows more school attacks in \n", "\n", "How do you keep a blonde busy for years? Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.\n", "\n", "the goal is to get big enough on twitter that i don’t need google. just tweet out shit like “where the hell is New Hampshire” and get the answers i need from my trusty followers\n", "\n", "Better A Little Fire To Warm Us, Than A Great One To Burn Us\n", "\n", "Khamenei praises arrest of U.S. sailors, condemns Saudi embassy attack \n", "\n", "I hate when I'm standing there trying to be handsome when some other guy comes and stands next to me and challenges my handsomeness.\n", "\n", "I don't have a short temper, I just have a quick reaction to bullsh*t.\n", "\n", "Former British chief rabbi wins $1.5 million Templeton Prize \n", "\n", "wife: DON’T GO \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *chasing waterfalls*\n", "\n", "I wonder if the girls on 16 and pregnant will come back and have a show called 32 and a grandma?\n", "\n", "I don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that.\n", "\n", "wow. turns out the little t on people’s necklaces just stands for “tits” and i can fully support that. what’s that lil dude hanging out on some of them tho? oh he supports tits too? fucken sweet\n", "\n", "Today 's date is.\n", "\n", "when life gives you lemons,\r\n", "make grape juice,\r\n", "then sit back,\r\n", "and let the world wonder how you did it.\n", "\n", "What do you get when you cross a genius with a hooker? A fucking know it all!\n", "\n", "Having a cold one with the boys, but the boys are my closest companions exhaustion and self-doubt.\n", "\n", "I... think I just saw a humming bird go number two. While hovering.\n", "\n", "Hungary's Orban says no automatic extension of sanctions against Russia \n", "\n", "It features a new dub cast.\n", "\n", "If two friends are named Nathan and they don't call themselves United Nathans then I don't know what's the point of anything.\n", "\n", "\"What is Luke Skywalker's favorite coffee place? Java the hut!\"\n", "\n", "Pakistani cricketers. They'll give you a run for your money.\n", "\n", "They also have won two Greek Cups and played in an additional two Cup finals.\n", "\n", "COP: any drugs on u?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: on or in?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "COP: what\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: what\n", "\n", "To Build A Fire Under Oneself\n", "\n", "Death toll up to 70 from Islamic State attack on Damascus: monitor. \n", "\n", "[watching Maury]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"Oh my god these people are a mess,\" she exclaimed, while sitting on the couch, eating a whole rotisserie chicken with her fingers, and wondering where she had put her pants.\n", "\n", "France prepares tribute to Charlie Hebdo, Jewish supermarket victims: \n", "\n", "I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.\n", "\n", "I hope my husband likes his Father's Day present and also the twelve things I bought for myself while shopping for it.\n", "\n", "You Cannot Teach Old Dogs New Tricks\n", "\n", "Zoo animals starve in Yemen city shattered by war \n", "\n", "During these blind taste tests the majority of participants picked Pepsi as the better tasting of the two soft drinks.\n", "\n", "What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? Spare ribs.\n", "\n", "STRAIGHT PRIDE PARADE?? WHAT'S NEXT STRAIGHT MARRIAGE???\n", "\n", "China's Xi says shares 'common destiny' with Vietnam, looks to repair ties \n", "\n", "The desman is a weird, semi-aquatic mammal related to moles.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "(Photos: Igor Shpilenok)\n", "\n", "I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.\n", "\n", "Islamic State media outlet confirms 'Jihadi John' is dead.\n", "\n", "Why do people have hot water heaters? If the waters hot, why heat it?\n", "\n", "Is this your 1st time at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *eating donuts* Yeah, why?\n", "\n", "I'm not as think as you drunk I am.\n", "\n", "Starbucks stock slips after profit forecast misses Street estimates \n", "\n", "Blasts, gunfight in Indonesian capital; at least three dead \n", "\n", "All dates in 1918 Montreal had won the first half of the NHL split season and Toronto had won the second half.\n", "\n", "Kidnapped Al Jazeera journalists freed in Yemen: network \n", "\n", "Caravans must travel via oases so that supplies of water and food can be replenished.\n", "\n", "The family contains just four species in two genera , one of which is monotypic.\n", "\n", "I hate all this terrorist bollocks! Gone are the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the tube and think, I'll fucking have that!\n", "\n", "When At Rome, Do As The Romans Do\n", "\n", "It is home to Troy University.\n", "\n", "Wounded Syrian rebels say Russia crippling their insurgency \n", "\n", "Get A Name To Rise Early, And You May Lie All Day\n", "\n", "Věžnička was first documented in 1502.\n", "\n", "Waiter: Sorry about that guys but we did warn you it gets WILD in here. Anyway my names Rob can I start you with some Ultimate Nachos?\n", "\n", "EU seeks tough curbs on airline subsidies in aviation agreements - document \n", "\n", "You guys know when you open voice to text and it starts typing words you didn't say like \"you will know suffering\" and \"I am behind you\" hashtag relatable am I right guys?\n", "\n", "I had an argument with my friend about his small boat. We fell out.\n", "\n", "Jonas Renkse of Katatonia , a long-time friend of Å", "kerfeldt , suggested writing music for two separate albums - one heavy and one soft.\n", "\n", "White House says President Obama discusses N. Korea regularly with Chinese President Xi; says they agree on this issue\n", "\n", "Bought myself a universal remote control last night. This could change everything..\n", "\n", "The brothers and their friends then began to work for other independent companies.\n", "\n", "Dognapping on the rise in petloving Brazil \n", "\n", "Fecundation is another term for fertilization.\n", "\n", "Interviewer: your resume says you're very literal \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: my resume talks??\n", "\n", "Learn Wisdom By The Follies Of Others\n", "\n", "A few weeks ago, two cartoonists entered a contest. The result was a draw.\n", "\n", "I've been engaged quite a few times, but never took the plunge. There have been quite a few near Mrs.\n", "\n", "So my girlfriend asked me for something that could go\r\n", "From 0-200 in 5 seconds. I gave her a bathroom scale.\n", "\n", "These moths have thin bodies and large wings like many butterflies but may be distinguished easily by structural differences in their antennae.\n", "\n", "Suspected Islamist militants kill Hindu priest in Bangladesh \n", "\n", "My wife left me because of my obsession with Star Wars. Regret that she will.\n", "\n", "The British Library adds some three million items every year.\n", "\n", "A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says \"Is this some kind of joke?\"\n", "\n", "They were mainly single units but one was a three-car articulated set.\n", "\n", "Italian student showed signs of electrocution - Egypt forensic source \n", "\n", "The oldest set was , by then , just over 47 years old.\n", "\n", "Do the Chinese people who visit America realize they bought souvenirs made in their own country?\n", "\n", "Regulators approve health study on huge California gas leak \n", "\n", "Yen, bonds, gold all gain at dollar's expense, stocks slump: \n", "\n", "Allergan reports higher-than-expected fourth-quarter revenue \n", "\n", "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Unless he's a Vegetarian. Then you can get there through his vagina.\n", "\n", "Back in my day you couldn't just delete a song you didn't like from a playlist, you had to physically drive to the artist’s house and kill them. I miss those days.\n", "\n", "One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it\n", "\n", "Head ruling heart - UK's pro-Europe chief plots hardest sale yet:\n", "\n", "Interviewer - any weaknesses?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me - sometimes I'm ill prepared\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Interviewer - can you give an example?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me - what, now?\n", "\n", "Me: I'm a cancer\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Them: oh, are you into astrology?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: what\n", "\n", "Pope's \"not Christian\" comments on Trump weren't a personal attack: papal spokesman \n", "\n", "My mate's been offered a job in North Korea. He's going to take it, but I think it's a bad Korea move.\n", "\n", "This template works almost exactly like , see there.\n", "\n", "Don't worry, Mayans. If you get it wrong, it's not the end of the world.\n", "\n", "There's a new TV show about a plane hijacking. They just shot the pilot last week.\n", "\n", "I think I speak for everyone on Twitter when I say blah blah blah blah.\n", "\n", "It features two new songs from Phil Collins and takes place during the song `` Son of Man '' from the first film.\n", "\n", "Mexico says Sean Penn meeting was 'essential' to finding kingpin Chapo \n", "\n", "Wininger is considered as one of the greatest Jewish biographers of all time.\n", "\n", "I used to be very indecisive!! But now I'm not so sure.\n", "\n", "He serves without pay . ''\n", "\n", "\"The doctor removed my left ventricle and atrium,\" Tom said halfheartedly.\n", "\n", "Many gyms offer a wide variety of aerobic classes for participants to take.\n", "\n", "Candidates have taken the stage for the GOPdebate. Live coverage here \n", "\n", "North Korea says detains U.S. student for 'hostile act' \n", "\n", "Oregon activists picked the wrong battle, militia leaders say \n", "\n", "*in hell* \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "satan: dude you gotta stop following me around \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: I don't know anyone else here I feel awkward\n", "\n", "Anagrams can be a POTENT FORCE. Sometimes they're NOT PERFECT\n", "\n", "Love Will Creep Where It May Not Go\n", "\n", "I'm having car trouble. I can't afford to put the gas in.\n", "\n", "me: do u have anything.. stronger?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "lemonade stand child: no\n", "\n", "Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.\n", "\n", "What happened when customers complained about the bright lights in the Chinese restaurant? The manager decided to dim sum.\n", "\n", "It uses another template named.\n", "\n", " He’s a paniac, paniac at the disco \r", "\r", "\r\n", "And he’s panicking like he’s never panicked before\n", "\n", "I was gonna tell a joke about a cookie. But it's too crummy.\n", "\n", "They may have used fire to cook their meat.\n", "\n", "Facebook revenue jumps 51.7 percent as mobile drives ad sales \n", "\n", "Britain does not plan to deploy combat troops in Libya to support a proposed national unity government - Hammond.\n", "\n", "Aston Martin picks Welsh site to make new crossover DBX: \n", "\n", "Ex-Haiti coup leader says to fight 'anarchists,' unrest spreads \n", "\n", "Republican presidential campaign turns nastier; Paul drops out \n", "\n", "He illustrated many books penned by Theodor Seuss Geisel under the pen name Theo.\n", "\n", "Carter - U.S-led coalition needs to take back Mosul and Raqqa: \n", "\n", " U.S. stocks finish higher in late rally after sliding as much as 1 percent \n", "\n", "I just bought my wife a length of rope with a bucket on the end. I'm sure it'll go down well.\n", "\n", "My doctor reckons I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.\n", "\n", "We Shall See What We Shall See\n", "\n", "What do you call a fat psycic? A four chin teller\n", "\n", "This is a real shot in the new Jonas Brothers music video and like, no one is talking about it\n", "\n", "Poland clouds NATO's nuanced Russia plan \n", "\n", "Netflix: Are you still watching?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *remote control out of reach* I guess not.\n", "\n", "We live a society where obesity is uprising and skinny jeans are a fad. Please help me.\n", "\n", "me: I think my hippo might be dying\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "vet: sir, that's a really really fat horse\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO\n", "\n", "It is best represented in the tropics but there are species in every region.\n", "\n", "Up to 90 million more Takata airbag inflators may face U.S. recalls\n", "\n", "Is the KKK a good source of Potassium? Yes, because they're all bananas.\n", "\n", "The Morning Sun Never Lasts A Day\n", "\n", "The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.\n", "\n", "Anti-immigrant 'Soldiers of Odin' raise concern in Finland \n", "\n", "Aluminium in food may be absorbed more than aluminium from water.\n", "\n", "Just told my joke about Peter Pan again. Never gets old.\n", "\n", "What did the bad plant say to the good plant? I've turned over a new leaf.\n", "\n", "Suspected Islamist gunmen hold hostages at hotel in Burkina capital \n", "\n", "Tougher lending standards pose risk to outlook for Fed \n", "\n", "China's nuclear envoy in North Korea amid sanctions push: KCNA \n", "\n", "Many authorities place them all in a single subfamily , Sigmodontinae.\n", "\n", "My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them.\n", "\n", "Israel's Netanyahu defends gas deal in rare Supreme Court visit \n", "\n", "Nevertheless , it didn't take long for Caesar to abscond again ; on 22 December he ran away from the island with a week 's worth of food by canoe.\n", "\n", "The Great Prince takes Bambi to a forest glade , saying that this was the place where he first met Bambi 's mother . Bambi asks what the Great Prince was like when he was Bambi 's age , and the Great Prince says that he was a lot like Bambi.\n", "\n", "I've been hard at work all day. I had no idea viagra lasted so long!\n", "\n", "It really bugs me that OCD isn't alphabetized.\n", "\n", "Cheung was born in Hong Kong to a Chinese father and a half Chinese-half British mother.\n", "\n", "Another visible property is exponential growth.\n", "\n", "Jail to jihad: The Indonesian prison system that breeds militancy. \n", "\n", "U.S.'s Kerry says two local employees, soldiers, killed in Pakistan blast \n", "\n", "I've just bought a load of cheap Harry Potter DVDs. They were only two Quidditch.\n", "\n", "[Deleting all work emails]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "THESE DON'T BRING ME JOY!\n", "\n", "I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.\n", "\n", "Many of its early authors were the children of Jewish immigrants from Europe.\n", "\n", "you see me reading a book upsidedown and sneer at my ineptitude until you realise it is I, 7 times state upsidedown reader champion\n", "\n", "To keep tea pots hot after tea is first brewed , early English households employed the Tea Cosy , a padded fabric covering , much like a hat , that slips over the tea pot.\n", "\n", "What did Santa say to the hooker? \"Fuck the chimney, I'm cumming down her throat!\"\n", "\n", "Eros was one of the first asteroids to be visited by a spacecraft , and the first to be orbited and soft-landed on.\n", "\n", "George Harri: here comes the son\r", "\r", "\r\n", "George Harrison: \n", "\n", "Craft beer so hip it was strained through the used socks of Mumford and Sons.\n", "\n", "Anyone: I've tried pot a couple of times, but it's not for me. It gave me too many negative side effects\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dude who really loves weed: no it didnt\n", "\n", "The leg never healed properly.\n", "\n", "\"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”\n", "\n", "Three men are running along the riverside , one of them stops to take a drink from the river.\n", "\n", "One way to battle a tornado is to shoot it with a hair dryer in the opposite direction\n", "\n", "Word to the Women: It ain't the clothes that make you fat.\n", "\n", "Whats the difference between a fish and a piano? You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish!\n", "\n", "Did Adam and eve have belly buttons?\n", "\n", "During the time it was developed to the `` World Money Fair ''.\n", "\n", "`` Nothing to Say '' features drop D tuning , which would become a signature of Soundgarden 's sound on later albums.\n", "\n", "dentist: how can I help\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *lying down on chair* i blame my parents\n", "\n", "Austria wants to press ahead to protect its borders: paper \n", "\n", "I beat a black belt at karate. My next challenger is a green sock.\n", "\n", "You’re not a disney princess you’re 36 years old\n", "\n", " North Korea conducts hydrogen nuclear test: North Korea TV\n", "\n", "As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies. That's when I realized I'd drugged the wrong glass.\n", "\n", "Condoms come in three sizes. Small, medium, and liar.\n", "\n", "PARACHUTE FOR SALE! As new, unopened - small red patch\n", "\n", "What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, but can play the piano really well? Clever Dick\n", "\n", "Tokyo Sexwale pulls out before first round of FIFA presidential vote\n", "\n", "Hello the media, hope you’re all listening. With headlines like “bans all male writer’s room” you open the floodgates for shit comments from idiots making the leap that women aren’t good enough to be in those rooms & we all spend a day being reminded that we’re seen as inferior.\n", "\n", "Nobody:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Sports Center:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "°•° | °•°\n", "\n", "See Old Shawneetown , Illinois for the historical village.\n", "\n", "got a cool car? i don’t like it!\n", "\n", "*burping my baby*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "gf: pls put me down\n", "\n", "Many indigenous people lack title to land where they live, research shows \n", "\n", "You come home and your boyfriend is tweeting homophobic inflammatory shit about children wyd?\n", "\n", "Martin Shkreli insults Congress on Twitter after refusing to testify: \n", "\n", "On the other hand , if you would just like them to be moved back , then by all means ask at Requested moves.\n", "\n", "At a job interview \"What are your strengths?\" \"I'm an optimist and a positive thinker\" \"Can you give me an example?\" \"Yes, when do I start?\"\n", "\n", "how has this show not been canceled yet\n", "\n", "Marriage is grand, but divorce is 50 grand.\n", "\n", "one time I was gettin head from this girl and when I nutted in her mouth she said “bro change ur diet”\n", "\n", "An old man , George Bernard Shaw , was swimming naked holding onto a buoy.\n", "\n", "Cleavage - It's like the sun. It's okay to look, but dangerous to stare.\n", "\n", "kid in a scary movie outside a haunted house: ok we saw it can we go now\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "kid who will definitely die in 12 minutes: what are you C H I C K E N\n", "\n", "Seldom give up on your dreams.\n", "\n", "V. He that is found Guilty of Gaming , or Defrauding one another to the value of a Royal of Plate , shall suffer what Punishment the Captain and the Majority of the Company shall think fit.\n", "\n", "We always called my grandad Spiderman. It's not because he had any superpowers, he just couldn't get out of the bath.\n", "\n", "Somali Islamists say set off car bomb, stormed hotel in capital \n", "\n", "[ant colony]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "husband: I am beat\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY\n", "\n", "Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir\n", "\n", "The season finale was on May 14 , 2006 with the votes revealed live from the Ed Sullivan Theater in New York.\n", "\n", "U.S. exonerations hit record high as more troubled cases probed \n", "\n", "I intend to live forever or die trying!\n", "\n", "What's orange and sounds like a parrot?A carrot.\n", "\n", "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...\n", "\n", "[turning to you as simpsons episode starts] ok that kid at the board? his name is bart. he's a real rascal. Except to see more of him later\n", "\n", "For a few months in early 2006 , he coached Real Sociedad 's first team.\n", "\n", "Chicago releases videos of police shooting of black teen \n", "\n", "Me, 3 hours late for work: omg I hit EVERY red light, sorry\n", "\n", "His time at college changed his life : `` It changed what I believe and what I think about everything.\n", "\n", "I call my son ‘the clitoris’ when we play hide and seek because I can never find him\n", "\n", "Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.\n", "\n", "Lucretius used the word in the sense `` everything rolled into one , everything combined into one ''.\n", "\n", "Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.\n", "\n", "If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there's a 99 percent chance you'll see them in every single aisle after that.\n", "\n", "U.N. council votes to reduce Ivory Coast peacekeepers \n", "\n", "Because in reality , I don't like strip clubs.\n", "\n", "Did you realise that a woman's \"I'll be ready in five minutes\" and a man's \"I'll be home in five minutes\" are exactly the same?\n", "\n", "Italy's Renzi rejects Church interference in gay civil unions debate \n", "\n", "[harry potter at an interview]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Interviewer: under accomplishments you wrote that you defeated lord voldemort when you were 17 years-old\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Harry: yes, sir\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Interviewer: but you don’t have a college degree, yikes\n", "\n", "What's yellow and square?A tomato in disguise.\n", "\n", "I stink. I haven't showered since last year. #happynewyears\n", "\n", "taco bell employee: three forty is your change \r", "\r", "\r\n", "arby’s employee: sir, this is a wendy’s\n", "\n", "A Good Deed Is Never Lost\n", "\n", "APP THAT REMINDS ME OF MY BEDTIME: hello, you're waking up in 7 hours. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: yOu'Re WaKiNg Up iN 7 hOuRs fuck you\n", "\n", "Anti-Islam movement PEGIDA stages protests across Europe \n", "\n", "Iraq sentences 40 to death over Islamic State's mass killing of captured soldiers \n", "\n", "Lie was born in Kristiania on 16 July 1896.\n", "\n", "To Flog A Dead Horse\n", "\n", "As Mr Peanut left his house, he said to his wife, \"see you, I'll be back in a Jif\"\n", "\n", "North Korea feels global pressure but not completely ostracized \n", "\n", "What we know about the hours leading up to 'El Chapo's' capture: \n", "\n", "What do you call a labrador that becomes a magician? A Labracadabrador.\n", "\n", "Soda bread is a type of quick bread in which bread soda is used for leavening rather than the more common yeast.\n", "\n", "Many compositions include acoustic guitar interludes and strong dynamic shifts , as well as both growling and clean vocals.\n", "\n", "She has one brother , Robby , and two sisters , Carrie and Lori.\n", "\n", "Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: So you could have a starring role in this dialogue tweet?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Cop: OMG yes!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Guy in the trunk: *muffled laughter*\n", "\n", "How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to charge the bill.\n", "\n", "Dating question: how long should you wait before you show them your bomb shelter?\n", "\n", "A Drop In The Bucket\n", "\n", "Why Donald Trump won't be taking part in the Republican debate in Iowa: \n", "\n", "DETECTIVE: Anyone move the body?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "COP: No, sir\r", "\r", "\r\n", "D: But, he's wearing frames without lenses\r", "\r", "\r\n", "C: That's how we found him\r", "\r", "\r\n", "D: [kicks body] Piece a shit\n", "\n", "Me: I’m taking the dog for a you-know-what. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Husband: a w-a-l-k?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My dog:\n", "\n", "I am launching a new anti-social network called Get Out Of My Face Book.\n", "\n", "I put my clothes on the line earlier. I think my gambling addiction has gone too far.\n", "\n", "I only drink thicc water, but sometimes I get thiccups\n", "\n", "Three binary operations.\n", "\n", "DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MY BRAIN: say you like hiking\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MY MOUTH: I'm planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon\n", "\n", "The two movements share some principles like preparedness and promotion of sports and outdoor skills.\n", "\n", "Gays complain that Hell’s Kitchen bars are terrible but 9th Avenue Saloon continues to SLAP. Always FREE popcorn, a bookshelf full of FREE socialist literature, and right now VODKA IS ALSO FREE. Open your damn EYES!!!!\n", "\n", "She performs two of the songs on.\n", "\n", "Prosecutor recommends life in prison for former Chad ruler \n", "\n", "To Pay One Back In One's Own Coin\n", "\n", "Asia stocks drop as banking sector concerns smoulder, yen stands tall \n", "\n", "China says its warships to join major U.S.-hosted naval drills \n", "\n", "They supported White Lies , Friendly Fires and Glasvegas on the tour.\n", "\n", "Doctor's Note: This man is unstable and cannot read. He forced me to write this note and he thinks it says he's a warlock. Do not eat or drink anything he gives you.\n", "\n", "Ubuntu Live USB Creator is an official tool to create Live USBs of Ubuntu from the Live CD or from an iso image.\n", "\n", "Why did Michael Jackson start the race 10 minutes late? He wanted to come in a little behind.\n", "\n", "The water boils rapidly and ejects the burning material as a fine spray of droplets.\n", "\n", "brainfart.mp4\n", "\n", "Girls have tea time, guys have tee time.\n", "\n", "Congolese army attacked U.N. troops meeting Islamist rebels: U.N. \n", "\n", "U.S. West Point academy swears in first woman commandant of cadets \n", "\n", "I like lions manely because of their hair.\n", "\n", "Born in Ajaccio , Corsica , she goes by the stage name Alizée - the feminine form of alizé , the trade wind.\n", "\n", "Eventually , Long got tired of these shenanigans , and at No Way Out 2006 , Booker was told to face Chris Benoit or be stripped of the US title.\n", "\n", "pretending I am a dragon.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "not like, outwardly. just for me.\n", "\n", "Pirate Pete’s TWEET CALL \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Link ONE inappropriate tweet for possible RTs and likes by Pete’s Pirate Crew who will each choose a winner. Ends 11pm EST\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "@SaintFreckles87 \r", "\r", "\r\n", "@kidnapped_jesus\r", "\r", "\r\n", "@DadZZZasleep\r", "\r", "\r\n", "@Tryptofantastic\r", "\r", "\r\n", "@Jonesy_donkey\n", "\n", "U.N. to announce new Syria talks date on Friday: envoy \n", "\n", "Polish president backs communist spy allegations against Lech Walesa \n", "\n", "Emerging markets as chilly as the Davos mountains: \n", "\n", "Iran arrests father of jailed U.S. citizen: family \n", "\n", "Best known for his work as the Andy Hardy character , Rooney has had one of the longest careers of any actor.\n", "\n", "Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it just becomes a soap opera.\n", "\n", "There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me. I thought, well thats a little condescending.\n", "\n", "Montenegrin PM survives confidence vote, but partner deserts \n", "\n", "There are several reasons you don’t like flowers, but mostly you like being the person who announces she doesn’t like flowers.\n", "\n", "My mother told me there were some cuties in the fridge. I got all excited, ran to the fridge and opened the door. But all I saw were oranges\n", "\n", "What do you call a woman covered in grass. Lawna\n", "\n", "Major 7.9 magnitude quake strikes southwest of Indonesia: USGS. \n", "\n", "A man walks into a bar wearing a tie fastener. The barman says, \"Sorry, we don't like your tie-pin here.\"\n", "\n", "the dispenser\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "he scream\n", "\n", " UK PM Cameron's spokesman says UN decision on Julian Assange would not be legally binding.\n", "\n", "Like that episode where Michael Scott realizes he’s wearing a women’s suit but it’s me and the sunglasses I’ve had for a year.\n", "\n", "no this is me after i help my dad bring in the groceries and it’s cat litter week\n", "\n", "If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?\n", "\n", "Live And Learn\n", "\n", "Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Quarterback: i pass\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Roofer: i raise\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Telemarketer: i call\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Optometrist: i see\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Origami Artist: i fold\n", "\n", "I dont know what all this planking business is about, I just know Snoopy started it.\n", "\n", "Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.\n", "\n", "This violin had been stolen twice from the previous owner , Bronisław Huberman ; the last time the thief confessed to the act on his deathbed.\n", "\n", "Better Deny At Once Than Promise Long\n", "\n", "Matched with a guy on Tinder and he asked my favorite restaurant and I said “Cicis Pizza.” He hasn’t responded in 6 days.\n", "\n", "I've been asked out by a number of hot women in my time. 0 is a number, right?..\n", "\n", "The eastern part is lower , and is a well known wine region . The German Wine Route passes through the Palatinate wine region.\n", "\n", "Comas make a big difference in a sentence. For example, Ben is in a hurry. Ben is in a coma.\n", "\n", "Avocados weren’t invented until 2012. Don’t believe me? Go ask your parents what their favourite avocado drink was when they were kids and I bet they can’t answer.\n", "\n", "I bloody hate flash mobs.One once kicked my door down and forced me to update my Adobe.\n", "\n", "Brexit, Brussels and the art of dealmaking \n", "\n", "Queen Sophie was a loving mother , nursing her children personally during their illnesses.\n", "\n", "Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve? All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.\n", "\n", "Oil prices move away from 12-year lows as China shares rise \n", "\n", "In 1979 , Sogyal Rinpoche chose the name Rigpa - the innermost , essential nature of mind - for his work.\n", "\n", "Ex-drug executive Shkreli hires lawyer to celebrities for fraud case \n", "\n", "If you fall once, get up. If you fall twice, get up. If you fall for the third time, tie your shoelaces already.\n", "\n", "Taiwan president flies to disputed island in South China Sea \n", "\n", "China arrests its most prominent woman rights lawyer for subversion: \n", "\n", "`` There 's No Disgrace Like Home '' is the fourth episode of The Simpsons first season.\n", "\n", "It is better to put information on your user page rather than in your signature.\n", "\n", "[after robots take over]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*drones crash into my kitchen*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*fridge starts laughing*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "BUT U WERE MY FABRIT\n", "\n", "Want to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind it's too cheesy.\n", "\n", "Longtime black San Francisco church faces eviction amid gentrification \n", "\n", "Who is this feat. Guy? He's in a lot of songs.\n", "\n", "How come you can drink a drink but not food a food?\n", "\n", "Yo mama is so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs.\n", "\n", "Yo mama is so fat, that when she stepped on a scale, it said \"to be continued\"\n", "\n", "One of the best things about living I Sweden? Well, the flag is a big plus.\n", "\n", "Why don't robot chickens play basketball? Too many technical fowls \n", "\n", "My wife said she was in the mood for something a bit unusual in the bedroom tonight. So I dragged the dishwasher up there.\n", "\n", "One theory has it that the expression derives from Celtic 's first game in 1888 , which was played against Rangers . A newspaper report stated that both sets of players `` got on so well that you would believe that they were old firm friends . ''\n", "\n", "Many of the generalizations noted above do not hold true for some schools of jujutsu . Old schools of Japanese jujutsu include :\n", "\n", "The two valleys are Mattertal and Saastal.\n", "\n", "Your relaxation app makes me itchy.\n", "\n", "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese\n", "\n", "[running into my ex]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Ex: omg it’s you\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: yeah\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Ex: we should exchange numbers\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Ex: you backed into my car though\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: look we've both moved on\n", "\n", "Lavrov: Russia won't stop Syria strikes until 'terrorists' defeated \n", "\n", "Knock, knock. Who's there? Hawaii. Hawaii who? I'm fine thank you Hawaii you?\n", "\n", "He Laughs Best Who Laughs Last\n", "\n", "Why do old men have such bad language? They do \"cross\" words.\n", "\n", "A Man Can Do No More Than He Can\n", "\n", "How does a medium talk with shoes?\r\n", "She converses\n", "\n", "The combination of new weapons and tactics have caused many historians to consider this battle the beginning of the end of classic chivalry.\n", "\n", "I like to wear my glasses when I'm having sex. That way my eyes are protected from the pepper spray.\n", "\n", "telling these kindergartner’s they can’t use the tire swing bc their vibes are so fucking wack today they’re all crying but that’s life in the real world\n", "\n", "wife: omg did you hear abou-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: yes\n", "\n", "Western New Guinea is the western half of the island of New Guinea.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the fight in the lion house at the zoo? A lion called another a cheetah. Personally, I think he was lion.\n", "\n", "Afghanistan fails to improve human rights: watchdog \n", "\n" ] }, { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "Not only were shell fish available from the sea , but the many swamps and creeks in the district would have yielded birds , fish , eels , eggs and snakes . Early white settlers in the region noted plenty of kangaroos and possums , which would also have been a source of food.\n", "\n", "Neyland is often referred to as one of the best , if not the best , defensive football coaches ever.\n", "\n", "Yes I am aware that Real Dictators™ often have lots of propaganda talking about how they're the big ruler forever, but this is America, it's still weird here\n", "\n", "At the end of Yom Kippur , one considers one 's self absolved by God.\n", "\n", "Slicing up a watermelon for the kids and eating a few pieces as I go along until I realize I ate the whole thing.\n", "\n", "The only time I smile when I have done something wrong, is when I have found someone to blame it on.\n", "\n", "I think my computer is female. She's always correcting my mistakes and telling me how to fix them.\n", "\n", "Awesome.\n", "\n", "Aircraft carry out strikes on Libya's Sabratha city, 40 killed: local official \n", "\n", "Two lesbians barged into the house and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath. I tried to help but I could only knock one out.\n", "\n", "A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.\n", "\n", "My house cleaner is getting really annoying. She keeps asking me to move out and says she wants a divorce.\n", "\n", "Red Bull performed well , scoring 11 points after the first two events.\n", "\n", "Walloon in Walloon Brabant is likely one of the first uses of the word.\n", "\n", "What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? Laughing stock.\n", "\n", "Innocent until proven canceled\n", "\n", "Japan Bans Flying Drones While Drunk https://trib.al/wv2V8ZV #WhatDoYouThink?\n", "\n", "See for reference.\n", "\n", "[first date with someone who doesn't understand twitter jokes]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Hi, nice to meet you \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: THAT MAKES ME ANGRY ABOUT \n", "\n", "On 11 August 2009 Ryanair announced it would set up a new base at Leeds Bradford , initially basing two aircraft at the airport offering 17 routes from March 2010.\n", "\n", "The APT-E consisted of two driving power cars and two trailer cars.\n", "\n", "U.S. government files motion seeking court order to compel Apple to assist in unlocking iPhone of San Bernardino shooter\n", "\n", "Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering\n", "\n", "Turkey's pro-Kurdish opposition will join work on new constitution \n", "\n", "god I’m so Rich\n", "\n", "Weird people citing Jo Cox to defend Mark Field, effectively citing the murder of one woman by a man to justify the assault of another woman by a man.\n", "\n", "A megasecond is one million seconds.\n", "\n", "There's Many A Slip 'Tween (== Between) The Cup And The Lip\n", "\n", "Rick Astley asked if he could borrow my Pixar films? \"Ok\" I said. \"Here's Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up\"\n", "\n", " U.S. has determined North Koreans conducted some kind of nuclear test: White House\n", "\n", "Why did Isaac Newton's son know so much about gravity? The apple didn't fall far from the tree.\n", "\n", "Max told his friend he didn't want to go for a hike in the hills. \"I'm an anti-climb Max.\"\n", "\n", " Boeing nears decision to self-fund more F/A-18 fighters \n", "\n", "How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke her face.\n", "\n", "The swine flu in humans is most contagious during the first five days of the illness although some people , most commonly children , can remain contagious for up to ten days.\n", "\n", "Indian trucks cross freely into Nepal for first time in four months \n", "\n", "They need to rename hand sanitiser “dick stinger”\n", "\n", "UK regulators say won't apply EU bonus cap to all banks: \n", "\n", "‎If you want to get something done, give it to a busy man.\n", "\n", "[seance]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: \"if there are any spirits here please show us a sign\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: \"keith, say something\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: \"im scared\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[glass starts to move on ouija board]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "H I S C A R E D\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: \"goddamnit dad\"\n", "\n", "He Who Pleased Everybody Died Before He Was Born\n", "\n", " Zika virus outbreak worse than believed, says Brazil's Health Minister. \n", "\n", "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.\n", "\n", "On the showdown , each player plays the best poker hand they can make from the seven cards comprising his two hole cards and the five community cards . A player may use both of his own two hole cards , only one , or none at all , to form his final five-card hand.\n", "\n", "Keyring: A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all of your keys at once.\n", "\n", "The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.\n", "\n", "Without the telephone , one could not have a conversation across long distances ; and without the sanctified image in the temple , one can not easily talk with the Deity . ''\n", "\n", "Iranian authorities arrest father of U.S. citizen jailed in Iran since October: family statement\n", "\n", "Love Cannot Be Forced\n", "\n", "as of today i have OFFICIALLY LOST ALL THE WEIGHT I GAINED MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE !!!!!! IN A HEALTHY WAY!!!!!!!! YEAHHHHH BOYYYYY\n", "\n", "My wife asked me if we could have something more 'Christmassy' on the television. So I put Fifa on and played in snowy conditions.\n", "\n", "Hockey is a goth sport, it's cold, you run on knives & usually there is blood.\n", "\n", "My mate just lost his job at the pet shop. The boss caught him with his hand in the trill.\n", "\n", "my cat isn’t allowed in the bedroom so she just sits outside it and glares at me\n", "\n", "What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?\r\n", "Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!\n", "\n", "Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?\n", "\n", "Contaminated Flint water among most expensive in the U.S.: report \n", "\n", "Cuba deploys army in effort to avoid Zika virus \n", "\n", "Whatever your creed be , I will adore it and pray To be awaken together with you on Judgement Day Rise up once more to kiss your white throat that I may Don't pass for one more trice , my fair , don't pass by.\n", "\n", "What does an angry pepper do? It gets jalepeño face. \n", "\n", "I broke up with a Japanese girl last week. I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.\n", "\n", "However , because of diseases and bad harvests , the last wine grapes were raised in Kreuzlingen in 1938.\n", "\n", "The importance of visual input for balance is illustrated by its being harder to stand on one foot with eyes closed than with eyes open.\n", "\n", "Dog drivers , however , have a long history of using other breeds or crossbreds as sled dogs.\n", "\n", "Russia says Ukraine has until March 4 to counter lawsuit \n", "\n", "British police arrest nine after anti-immigration clashes in Dover \n", "\n", "my friend: hey are you coming to my party tonight, it will be fun \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: so sorry, I had fun three weeks ago and honestly I’m still recovering from a roller coaster of emotions\n", "\n", "Onegin arrives to see Tatyana and give her his answer to her letter.\n", "\n", "Police officers were portrayed as idiots who couldn't see even obvious clues.\n", "\n", "To Lock The Stable-Door After The Horse Is Stolen\n", "\n", "A relatively new technology , tidal stream generators draw energy from currents in much the same way that wind generators do.\n", "\n", "- Why does an elephant have 4 feet? Because 8 inches isn't enough\n", "\n", "Two soldiers are in a tank. One looks at the other and goes, \"Blublublub!\"\n", "\n", "Saw a psychic yesterday but after 30 mins of her constantly laughing at me I punched her in the face. I always like to strike a happy medium.\n", "\n", "Doesn't matter if your cup is half full or half empty, point is: You need to buy a different size bra.\n", "\n", "Car bomb explodes in Damascus market, several killed: Syrian TV \n", "\n", "They changed the band 's name to Shirley Temple 's Pussy and performed under this name for a short time , but then changed the name again due to record label pressure.\n", "\n", "Such Carpenters, Such Chips\n", "\n", "Suicide bombing kills 27 at Shi'ite funeral in east Iraq. More here: \n", "\n", "Canada signals it will reengage with Russia despite Ukraine \n", "\n", "[first day as a baker]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second\n", "\n", "Keep Your Mouth Shut And Your Ears Open\n", "\n", "Groups want U.S. to adopt strong broadband privacy rules \n", "\n", "Folks dating is NOT hard if you shift your mindset from I hope he chooses me, to he better hope I choose him.\n", "\n", "I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.\n", "\n", "If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.\n", "\n", "At least three children have been born in Antarctica , albeit in stations north of the Antarctic Circle . See Demographics of Antarctica.\n", "\n", "Peacekeepers accused of abusing children in Central African Republic: U.N. \n", "\n", "One reason I don’t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.\n", "\n", "It also has a long , yellow , deeply forked tongue.\n", "\n", "If you’re having trouble kicking your junk food habit and sugary drinks, try replacing that pleasure with more healthy pleasures, like a walk through the forest or vandalizing a confederate statue.\n", "\n", "J&J sales fall on strong dollar \n", "\n", "Him: You're sexy!\r\n", "Her: And I Know it!\r\n", "Him: LMFAO, good one!\n", "\n", "Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard\n", "\n", "Commission releases disputed 2014 Afghan election results \n", "\n", "When Aryabhatta checked my exam papers, he invented zero.\n", "\n", "Indian soldier found alive after six days buried under avalanche dies \n", "\n", "Lee grabs Phoenix Open lead, Mickelson five back \n", "\n", "Great Cry And Little Wool\n", "\n", "U.S. officials say cannot confirm Americans detained in Saudi Arabia \n", "\n", "Haryana protesters keep up blockade; Delhi water restored \n", "\n", "Me: $27 for two movie tickets?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Ticket guy: Uh, we have some pretty cheap matinees\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Buddy, I don't care how slutty your sea cows are\n", "\n", "Still no deal for Britain on EU reforms after all-night talks: \n", "\n", "Open proxies may be blocked on sight according to the policy on open proxies.\n", "\n", "Her first recording for Decca was `` Lover Man '' and `` No More ''.\n", "\n", "What do you call a man who always wins? Victor!\n", "\n", "Film Academy pledges to double membership of women, minorities by 2020 \n", "\n", "My boss:Ive noticed u nodding off during meetings recently.r u getting enough sleep?\r\n", "Me:Not really,the meetings are a lot shorter these days\n", "\n", "A day or two later , in broken hilly country full of water-courses , they had great difficulty in finding a road for the loaded carts , deciding on 27 October to abandon them.\n", "\n", "\"I'M LEAVING TWITTER!\" *does walk downstairs behind couch thing*\n", "\n", "BBC culture allowed Savile to commit sex crimes, but no evidence of a cover-up: report \n", "\n", "Bosnia eyes closure of radical Islamic centers over links to Syria militants \n", "\n", "Me trying to adapt to any social situation and societal norms.\n", "\n", "I don't hate you, but If you were on fire and I had water, I'd drink it.\n", "\n", "**Pixar Film Themes Guide**\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Toy Story: Jealousy\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "WALL-E: Environmentalism\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Up: Bereavement\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Cars: Cars\n", "\n", "Laptop bomb may have blown hole in Somali plane: U.S. officials \n", "\n", "It Is A Poor Mouse That Has Only One Hole\n", "\n", "Japan econmin Ishihara - Yen gains due to safe-haven flows \n", "\n", "When I'm president all my executive orders will be delivered via Twitch while I mess up online games of Red Dead Redemption by obsessively petting horses that don't belong to me.\n", "\n", "I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her it was over. I'm Ruthless.\n", "\n", "U.S. assets to track expected North Korean space launch: Carter \n", "\n", "With little warning , a second earthquake of magnitude 5.1 May 18 triggered a massive collapse of the north face of the mountain.\n", "\n", "Polish president Duda has accused Russia of fomenting a new Cold War: \n", "\n", "Suffering from anxiety or depression?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Try new Cheer Up™\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Solve ALL your problems with ease by\r", "\r", "\r\n", "𝓒𝓱𝓮𝓮𝓻𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓤𝓹!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "And now introducing NEW Cheer Up™ for WOMEN: Calm Down™\n", "\n", "Bangladesh observes Daylight saving time.\n", "\n", "Islamic State attack shuts Syrian govt supply route for second day \n", "\n", "Syrian opposition rules out indirect talks before goodwill steps: \n", "\n", "How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? Who cares? They never get the house anyway. \n", "\n", "New government school blown up in Pakistan's restive northwest \n", "\n", "What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead. I'll hang around\n", "\n", "What do you call a rich Chinese person? Cha Ching\n", "\n", "Female suicide bombers kill over 60 people in northeast Nigeria: officials. \n", "\n", "South China Sea takes center stage at U.S.-ASEAN summit: \n", "\n", " New Jersey Governor Chris Christie ending presidential campaign: Senior aide \n", "\n", "I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.\n", "\n", "Don't kiss your wife with a runny nose. You might think it's funny, but it's snot.\n", "\n", "These include the carnival , held every Summer and the carols at the Market Place.\n", "\n", "I always wanted to be a procrastinator! But I've never actually gotten around to doing it.\n", "\n", "Dollman 's Tree Mouse Dollman 's Vlei Rat are named after him.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between an Irish wedding and Irish funeral? One less drunk.\n", "\n", "I've just bought a load of cheap Harry Potter DVDs. They were only a Quidditch.\n", "\n", "Italy may recall student murder probe team from Egypt over lack of cooperation: judicial source \n", "\n", "Philippines still seeks $1 billion in Marcos wealth 30 years after his ouster \n", "\n", "If 14th March was truly a Pi Day, then it would never end.\n", "\n", "Suspect in ambush of Philly cop claimed to have pledged allegiance to Islamic State: police \n", "\n", "Britain pledges extra $1.75 billion for Syria before donor conference \n", "\n", "Me: *Holds up drawing* is this the guy?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Witness: that looks nothing like him\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN\n", "\n", "if you or a loved one is afraid of Smoking a Weed because of your job, here’s a tip: just say you went to Colorado ya dingus. it’s legal there. say you go every weekend if that’s what it takes. officer smells weed in your car? you just bought the thing! from colorado!\n", "\n", "I'm quitting eating these Thanksgiving leftovers; cold turkey.\n", "\n", "Forewarned Is Forearmed\n", "\n", "The Normal School Act of 1857 was passed on the last day of session on 20 May 1857.\n", "\n", "*event happens* but how does this affect Me, the Protagonist of Reality\n", "\n", "Bind The Sack Before It Be Full\n", "\n", "Why were the Paul Walker jokes removed from the Bieber Roast? Paul Walker has already been roasted.\n", "\n", "Harper Lee, author of 'To Kill a Mockingbird,' dies: \n", "\n", "Myanmar brings forward date for presidential nominations to March 10 \n", "\n", "The Canadiens won the first half , and Toronto the second half.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the Republican Fried Chicken fast food restaurant? All they serve are right wings and a**holes.\n", "\n", "What do you call a Bear that's missing an ear? A 'B'\n", "\n", "EU's Juncker 'quite confident' of EU deal with Britain \n", "\n", "Where There's A Will, There's A Way\n", "\n", "Syria's opposition says cannot attend talks if third party joins \n", "\n", "He allowed 22 hits , 1 home run , and 9 walks.\n", "\n", "Guide dogs are assistance dogs trained to lead blind and vision impaired people around obstacles.\n", "\n", "Volkswagen likely to buy back 115,000 cars in U.S: German report \n", "\n", "God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Lion: yes.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Lion: no why?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: I guess I’ll delete them then.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!\n", "\n", "It’s fucked up how kids have factory-setting facial features and then they grow up and that shit changes in weird ways. Just like a totally unexpected nose. Didn’t see that coming, did you Tommy\n", "\n", "When a player takes three or four moves to accomplish what castling would have accomplished in one move , it is sometimes called artificial castling , or castling by hand.\n", "\n", "I think it's about darts\n", "\n", "What word becomes shorter when you add letters to it? Short.\n", "\n", "A dwarf walked into a library and asked for a book on irony. The librarian said \"Yes, it's on the top shelf\"\n", "\n", "It's really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters but found over 15,000 matches\n", "\n", "The input must be unformatted numeric values.\n", "\n", "Britain and Bill Gates pledge 3 billion pounds to fight malaria: \n", "\n", "In Yemen war, hospitals bombed to rubble, starvation spreads \n", "\n", "Sunderland's Johnson admits one count of sexual activity with child \n", "\n", "It is named after one of the Alkyonides ; the name means flowery.\n", "\n", "Weismann is much admired today.\n", "\n", "The Great Egret , also known as the Great White Egret or Common Egret or Great White Heron , and called kōtuku in New Zealand , is a large egret.\n", "\n", "OPPO, Vivo snap at Apple's heels in China mobile market \n", "\n", "You compliment your friend on their mustache and suddenly she doesn't talk to you anymore. WTF?\n", "\n", "Whats pink and wrinkly, and hangs out your pants? Your Mum.\n", "\n", "Restored Jimi Hendrix apartment opens to public in London \n", "\n", "Burundi keeps seat on security body, complicating peacekeeper plan \n", "\n", "Lavigne 's mother was the first to spot young Lavigne 's talent.\n", "\n", "[in therapy where I literally pay someone to listen to me talk]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Therapist: do you want to talk about it?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: no\n", "\n", "'Affluenza' teen faces Texas hearing on move to adult jail \n", "\n", "Each year since 1980 , the BBC has set aside one evening of programming on its flagship television channel , BBC One , to show events aimed at raising money exclusively destined for charities working with children in the UK.\n", "\n", "Today , Mali is one of the most politically and socially stable countries in Africa.\n", "\n", "U.S. air strikes aid Afghan forces against Islamic State \n", "\n", "Seven Russian missiles struck Syria's Azaz, death toll to exceed 14: Turkish official - \n", "\n", "Wall Street has worst start to year ever \n", "\n", "Philippines considers two-way sea talks with China - if wins case at The Hague \n", "\n", "He played the viola da gamba at this time , as well as the cello.\n", "\n", "Them: virtually anything is a tweet\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\n", "\n", "Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.\n", "\n", "What has four legs and flies? A dead hamster.\n", "\n", "We need a president with the courage to touch a hot stove, burn his hand, then touch it again mere seconds later to make sure it's still hot\n", "\n", "A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.\n", "\n", "Stock futures tumble as China allows yuan to fall further raising concerns: \n", "\n", "Today I have officially been sober for 100 days. Not like, in a row or anything. Just in total.\n", "\n", "[holding the door open for a pretty woman]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *blushing* I aim to please\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "M: I despise you\n", "\n", "At the end of the season , he was named to the First All-Star team for the first time , and won the Vezina Trophy for the third time , tying George Hainsworth 's all-time mark with three victories.\n", "\n", "Some people call me the snacks cowboy\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Some call me the gangster of fudge\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Some people call me ‘more eats’\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Melting cheese into a tasty queso sludge\n", "\n", "Satellite images show arrival of fuel trucks at North Korea launch site: think tank \n", "\n", "Japan's Amari says stepping down as economy minister: \n", "\n", "My ex-wife hated my obsession with horoscopes. It taurus apart.\n", "\n", "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. Then it dawned on me.\n", "\n", "Two Presidents have been women and most have come from the older member states.\n", "\n", "Happy New Year everyone... Think I may have premature congratulation.\n", "\n", "This morning I met a dog with a job, which means he's already more successful than several of my exes.\n", "\n", "yall r forreal 20+ yrs old and u still hate tomatoes. like an infant. Like a small idiot child. grow up u moron losers\n", "\n", "Italian student missing in Egypt likely dead: Italian foreign ministry \n", "\n", "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One's really heavy, and the other's a little lighter.\n", "\n", "Traditionally they play in red and white striped shirts with black shorts and red and white socks.\n", "\n", "“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.\n", "\n", "I flex on life by going to bed when it’s still light outside\n", "\n", "Brazil justice minister to quit as Lula probe tension grows - sources \n", "\n", "As the plot progresses , Napoleon makes two new friends from high school , Deb and Pedro . Deb is a shy and sensitive girl who seems to take a liking to Napoleon.\n", "\n", "Republicans are picking sides over Trump's rift with Fox News in GOPdebate \n", "\n", "Belgium find video of nuclear official in search for Paris attack clues \n", "\n", "Took the shell off my racing snail this weekend. Thought it might speed him up. If anything, it made him more sluggish.\n", "\n", "My party trick is swallowing two pieces of string and an hour later they come out my arse tied together. I shit you knot.\n", "\n", "I don't really balance my checking account so much as capsize it.\n", "\n", "New Zealand English is the form of the English language used in New Zealand.\n", "\n", "Today is , and the current time is.\n", "\n", "Best planted between two and four weeks after the average last frost , Big Max pumpkins typically become ripe 110 to 120 days after sowing.\n", "\n", "And Lord , haste the day when my faith shall be sight , The clouds be rolled back as a scroll ; The trump shall resound , and the Lord shall descend , Even so , it is well with my soul.\n", "\n", "Me: have u ever realized that blue is its own flavor? Blue stuff isn’t based off any fruit it’s just blue \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Paramedics: sir that’s windex\n", "\n", "Oil prices jump, shrug off equity slump, glut concerns \n", "\n", "Detective: We need to make a chalk outline of the body.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *with chalk*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I. The head\r", "\r", "\r\n", " A. The face\r", "\r", "\r\n", " 1. Eyes\r", "\r", "\r\n", " 2. Nose\r", "\r", "\r\n", " 3. Mouth\r", "\r", "\r\n", " a. Teeth\n", "\n", "Russia committed not to attack moderate Syrian groups: U.S. official \n", "\n", "My reality check bounced.\n", "\n", "Did you know production costs in the dairy business are high? A lot of expenses are in curd.\n", "\n", "Let's all get drunk and correct each other's grammar.\n", "\n", "Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one place.\n", "\n", "He Is Not Poor That Has Little, But He That Desires Much\n", "\n", "Zuckerberg says learned from Germany about defending migrants \n", "\n", "Congrats high school grads! Look to your left, look to your right. These are the people you'll be avoiding on Facebook for the rest of your life.\n", "\n", "An Open Door May Tempt A Saint\n", "\n", "Beware of alphabet grenades! They could spell disaster!\n", "\n", "Tunisia says breaks up militant cell linked to Islamic State \n", "\n", "Eurotunnel wants France, UK to pay migrant crisis bill: \n", "\n", "What do you call a woman who stands straddling a river? Bridgette.\n", "\n", "The two `` triangles '' border at one point , a quadripoint.\n", "\n", "The Scalded Dog Fears Cold Water\n", "\n", "Granz helped solidify her position as one of the leading live jazz performers.\n", "\n", "If one person is penetrated by two objects , it is generically called double penetration.\n", "\n", "They eat invertebrates and small vertebrates.\n", "\n", "Many of the president 's biblical references in his comments to Dr. Jacobs appear to have come from an open letter to Dr. Schlessinger , circulated online in early May 2000.\n", "\n", "The Dutch Have Taken Holland ! \n", "\n", "U.S. military says captured soldiers were held at gunpoint: \n", "\n", "Follow the leader? Germany struggles as Syria, refugee crises rage \n", "\n", "The common misconception that polar bears live in Antarctica is crazy, that place is unbearable.\n", "\n", "Pope Francis asks Iran to help stop the spread of terrorism. \n", "\n", "Australia, New Zealand urge China show restraint in South China Sea: \n", "\n", "if you wanna kiss please dm\n", "\n", "What do a vaccuum cleaner and an Iraqi Tank have in common? They both suck.\n", "\n", "I bet You I can stop gambling.\n", "\n", "MAN I hope no one saw me snoopy dance just now @CobieSmulders\n", "\n", "When I was born I was so smart I got my parents to feed me and dress me and carry me around with them all day.\n", "\n", "Why was the mushroom invited to the party? Because he's a fungi.\n", "\n", "My wife and I were happy for 23 years. Then we met.\n", "\n", "When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.\n", "\n", "Biden pledges faster U.S. approval for cancer drug cocktails at Davos2016 : \n", "\n", "How do you warm a room up thats just been painted? Give it a 2nd coat.\n", "\n", "Astley recorded `` Never Gonna Give You Up '' on his 1987 album Whenever You Need Somebody.\n", "\n", "I have to use a stepladder since my real ladder left when I was young.\n", "\n", "Asia shares slump as China sets yuan lower, triggers circuit breaker \n", "\n", "What's the difference between a mistress and a wife? About 30 pounds.\n", "\n", "Rome central train station evacuated because of terror alert: police \n", "\n", "U.S. Vice President Biden chides Turkey over freedom of expression \n", "\n", "The first European settlement of the Peninsula was Port Arthur in the early 1830s.\n", "\n", "How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.\n", "\n", "Following the 1966 season , Switzer moved to the University of Oklahoma as an assistant coach under new Head Coach and good friend Jim Mackenzie.\n", "\n", "The Great Seal was first used publicly in 1782.\n", "\n", "From calves , oxen are chosen with horns since the horns hold the yoke in place when the oxen lower their heads , back up , or slow down.\n", "\n", "This is the stupidest day in American history, a record that will be broken by every subsequent day in American history.\n", "\n", "Ivorian ex-president's war crimes trial opens, supporters protest \n", "\n", "I love you. I love other words, too.\n", "\n", "I only trust people who like big butts.\r\n", "\r\n", "Cause they can not lie.\n", "\n", "Then the two covenants go different ways.\n", "\n", "Post-flight nap-hair And ready for Paris https://www.instagram.com/p/ByYPmpKh9lJ/?igshid=tv2101krtz79 …\n", "\n", "Grateful to be living in the \"Tetris when it's going too fast and blocks are helplessly piling up\" era of human history\n", "\n", "OH MY GOD!!! NO!!! REALLY???? FUCKING HELL!!!! etc... and so on...\n", "\n", "UK parliamentary committee to invite Google to testify about a back tax deal: \n", "\n", "I'm not hard of hearing. I'm tired of hearing.\n", "\n", "A particular aircraft may fly several different flights in one day , and different aircraft may be used for the same flight number on successive days.\n", "\n", "On one episode of the show , he hit Jimmy Snuka over the head with a coconut , leading to a feud between the two men.\n", "\n", "Each segment that has two pairs of legs is a result of two single segments fused together as one.\n", "\n", "Have you seen the new film called Constipation? It hasn't come out yet.\n", "\n", "Cash probably won't exist in a decade according to this leader at Davos \n", "\n", "In 1954 Foucault published his first book , Maladie mentale et personnalité , a work which he would later disavow.\n", "\n", "The narrator , however , begins to hear a faint noise.\n", "\n", "He Will Never Set The Thames On Fire\n", "\n", "I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.\n", "\n", "So what if school doesn't teach us how to get a job or raise a family? At least I know the whole periodic table of elements!\n", "\n", "I don't care what my family gets me for Father's Day as long as they don't waste $7 on a gift bag and tissue paper to put it in.\n", "\n", "EU designs permanent outer circle to keep Britain in \n", "\n", "Hill sees more Mercedes dominance ahead \n", "\n", "Syrian opposition will attend Geneva peace talks: Al-Arabiya TV \n", "\n", "Yo, Indiana, what are you doing this weekend? Come visit me at @IndyPopCon Sat & Sun!\n", "\n", "What's the worst thing your wife can say during sex? Honey I'm home\n", "\n", "There , Longfellow met Nathaniel Hawthorne , who would later become his lifelong friend.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the new \"emo\" grass? People love it because it cuts itself.\n", "\n", "What we know about North Korea's announcement of its first H-bomb test \n", "\n", "What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Quatro Cinco\n", "\n", "EU leaders urge pause in Syrian fighting, end to Russia bombing \n", "\n", "*mouthful of unicorn*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "It’s a mythical what?\n", "\n", "Better To Reign In Hell, Than Serve In Heaven\n", "\n", "it’s ok u don’t mean that \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "▬▬▬.◙.▬▬▬\r", "\r", "\r\n", "═▂▄▄▓▄▄▂\r", "\r", "\r\n", "◢◤█▀▀████▄▄▄▄◢◤\r", "\r", "\r\n", "█▄ █ █▄███▀▀▀▀▀▀▀╬\r", "\r", "\r\n", "◥█████◤\r", "\r", "\r\n", "╬═╬\r", "\r", "\r\n", "╬═╬\r", "\r", "\r\n", "╬═╬\r", "\r", "\r\n", "╬═╬ \r", "\r", "\r\n", "╬═╬ __\r", "\r", "\r\n", "╬═╬/ \\ \\\\\r", "\r", "\r\n", " \n", "\n", "For its first two seasons the show was part of a revived TGIF comedy block.\n", "\n", "U.S. agencies say 2015 was the hottest year ever by the widest margin on record: \r\n", "\n", "\n", "Sanctions lifted, Iran's Rouhani heads to Europe to drum up business \n", "\n", "A guide to asbestos in the home.\n", "\n", "I just watched the entire P90X series and didn't lose a single pound. What a scam!\n", "\n", "What does R. Kelly say when he's mad at his kid? Urine trouble. \n", "\n", "'Cooler heads must prevail' - Anti-government groups urge calm after Oregon occupier killed: \n", "\n", "Why did Dracula go to the doctors?Because of his coffin.\n", "\n", "It is home to the Opéra Bastille.\n", "\n", "Reply to this tweet and I will tell you the exact circumference of your next shit.\n", "\n", "It’s a shame wealth isn’t measured in taco bell mild sauce packets accrued over one’s lifetime.\n", "\n", "Greece will not be turned into warehouse of migrants: PM Tsipras \n", "\n", "Top al Qaeda commander killed in Yemen drone strikes: residents \n", "\n", "The 2008 festival was attended by 17,500 people over two days , with 2,500 campers.\n", "\n", "me: honestly i can't stand hearing you talk. your vibe just fucking sucks man\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my boss: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: fix your vibe my dude\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my boss: i swear i'd fire you right now if you weren't so goddamn chill\n", "\n", "Beuchat is an international company.\n", "\n", "Mary had a little lamb, and then she had dessert.\n", "\n", "What's the definition of a will? Come on, guys. The answer's a dead giveaway. \n", "\n", "The Saints ' Way follows the probable route of early Christian travellers making their way from Ireland to the Continent.\n", "\n", "But for a very brief introduction by way of an example , see the Water for Life Decade page and click on `` edit '' to see the source text.\n", "\n", "Outside of Europe , he conducted at the Metropolitan Opera in New York as well as the New York Philharmonic Orchestra.\n", "\n", "Stockholm police investigating explosion outside shopping center \n", "\n", "The work on metal vases took on a new fullness : the artists competed among themselves with great virtuosity.\n", "\n", "To Fit Like A Glove\n", "\n", "New Boy Band “No Direction “#BBCOurNextPM\n", "\n", "You feel like fans have paid their money and they expect you to come out and play them your songs like the first time you ever played them.\n", "\n", "Myanmar's Suu Kyi lauds choice of ethnic and army-backed parliamentary speakers \n", "\n", "Tracy , however , seems to have been her true love.\n", "\n", "Fools Rush In Where Angels Fear To Tread\n", "\n", "The Document may contain zero Invariant Sections.\n", "\n", "But when the fullness of time had come , God sent his Son , born of a woman , born under the law ...\n", "\n", "Its name is thought to come from the original Portuguese name for this cape , `` Raso '' , or `` bare ''.\n", "\n", "I never knew what kind of day we were going to have ... would she be cooperative or obstructive ? ''\n", "\n", "The only thing easier to pick up when it's heavy is women.\n", "\n", "Death: *putting sunscreen on his horse*\n", "\n", "The name Beloeil or Belœil is the name of two municipalities.\n", "\n", "Pope visits Rome synagogue, condemns violence in name of religion \n", "\n", "Dating:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“No you hang up!”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“No you hang up!”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“No you hang up!”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“No you hang up!”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Marriage:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“No you shut up”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“No you shut up”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“No you shut up”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“No you shut up”\n", "\n", "As the Roman Empire expanded northwards , Rome began to take interest in Britain.\n", "\n", "Kurds say investigating suspected Islamic State chemical attack in Iraq \n", "\n", "White House officials to meet with tech executives to discuss militants' use of social media \n", "\n", "Yo mama is so worn out, she has to have a baby just to get off.\n", "\n", "Martin Luther King pictured in Air Force base shooting event flier \n", "\n", "I went on the lamb because i got tired of fucking the sheep.\n", "\n", "Malaysia Airlines resumes checked baggage on Europe routes \n", "\n", "House GOP readies legal action to stop Obama Guantanamo plan\n", "\n", "Her first novel was nominated for the Best First Novel Agatha Award in 2007.\n", "\n", "Aikido is often translated as `` the Way of unifying life energy '' or as `` the Way of harmonious spirit . ''\n", "\n", "Chuck Norris doesn't flush his toilet. He just scares the shit out of it!\n", "\n", "They plan to go after hibernating , but Shade wishes to go right away.\n", "\n", "In hell, women are even more right.\n", "\n", "I'm always looking for my Number 1. You see, I'm not a very good aim in the bathroom.\n", "\n", "We all have that one friend who's a floating onyx decahedron\n", "\n", "Great Talkers Are Little Doers\n", "\n", "please don't make fun of me please. thank you.\n", "\n", "Wind turbines: I'm a big fan.\n", "\n", "me: so we thought the abbreviation for “pharmacy” should be RX\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "boss: very good very good [reviewing papers] by the way, do you know how to spell pharmacy \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [embarrassed] i do not \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "boss: me neither. i'm sure it's fine\n", "\n", "He was 93 years old.\n", "\n", "[god inventing horses]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "make a sexy donkey\n", "\n", "*zooms into the skincare products in your mirror selfie thirst trap*\n", "\n", "I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers.\n", "\n", "The art center is also home to the Gold Coast City Art Gallery.\n", "\n", "Russian fighter jet crashes in Siberia, crew catapults safely: Interfax \n", "\n", "U.S. athletes should consider not attending Olympics if fear Zika: officials - \n", "\n", "Unfortunately I lost my Korean friend the other day. So Yung. She was my Seoul mate.\n", "\n", "What is the criteria for being alive in Toy Story? Do you need to have eyes? Being like a wooden block would be a living hell.\n", "\n", "Merkel calls for Germany to get more involved in world affairs \n", "\n", "I phoned a helpline about my weak bladder problem. It's 1p a minute.\n", "\n", "Andre 3000: Hey! alright now! alright now, fellas!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Fellas: YEA?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Andre 3000: Now, what’s cooler than bein cool?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Fellas: ICE COLD!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Andre 3000: I can't hear ya! I say what's, what's cooler than being cool?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, from the back: RESPECTING WOMEN!\n", "\n", "Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.\n", "\n", "In fact Jacka was not recommended by his Australian officers in the first place.\n", "\n", "Shortly thereafter , the storm encountered much cooler water temperatures after leaving the Gulf Stream.\n", "\n", "ME: hm, money’s a little tight this month\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MONEY-SAVING APP: it looks here like you could save a lot by cutting out rent. have you tried being homeless?\n", "\n", "Watching Scooby-Doo has taught me that at any time a bunch of teenagers can show up and rip your face off. Stay vigilant my fellow ghosts.\n", "\n", "Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba dum tish!\n", "\n", "I was on a plane and the air hostess said, \"Want some headphones?\" I said, \"Blimey. How'd you guess that my name is Phones?\"\n", "\n", "My mate is just not the same since he almost drowned in a vat of lemon juice. It's left him very bitter\n", "\n", "whoa i just got a fortune cookie that said “people will literally eat fried cardboard if u tell them there’s a secret inside lmao”\n", "\n", "She was one of only three holders of the title who never became queen.\n", "\n", "An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building and after 50 floors says, \"So far so good!\"\n", "\n", "Nothing Must Be Done Hastily But Killing Of Fleas\n", "\n", "\"The Constant Book Reader\" By Paige Turner\n", "\n", "I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.\n", "\n", "Norway denies inhuman treatment of mass killer Breivik: \n", "\n", "Please understand that when I call you a terf, I mean \"Trans-Exclusionary Rancid Fartgoblin\", because while not all radical feminists are trans-exclusionary, all trans-exclusionary people are fartgoblins.\n", "\n", "`` Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish '' is the fourth episode of The Simpsons second season.\n", "\n", "I’m not against my kids being homeschooled as long as it’s in someone else’s home.\n", "\n", "With the release of the singles `` Give it All '' , `` Swing Life Away '' , and `` Life Less Frightening '' , Rise Against became more popular with mainstream fans , but still kept their underground sensibility.\n", "\n", "Banana bread is usually a quick bread : a sweet , cake-like bread which typically uses baking soda as the leavening agent instead of yeast ; however , there are some banana bread recipes that are traditional-style yeast breads.\n", "\n", "iPhone sales skid, Apple admits 'economic softness': $AAPL \n", "\n", "Oil falls back after jumping on hopes of Russia, OPEC cooperation \n", "\n", "I changed my car horn sound to gunshots, people move out of the way much faster now.\n", "\n", "If Pierce Brosnan and Guy Pearce married he‘d be Pierce Pearce\n", "\n", "Russian PM Medvedev says Russia not bombing civilians in Syria \n", "\n", "Today I am running around the park and putting sprinkles on dog crap so people's days aren't ruined.\n", "\n", "His mother was a granddaughter of the fourth head of Yonezawa.\n", "\n", "The idea of a supercard featuring the two top promotions of the Monday Night Wars was considered to be a `` dream match '' scenario in the eyes of many fans , as it would allow the fans to see which promotion would be kayfabe superior.\n", "\n", "Mathematics teachers call retirement 'the aftermath.'\n", "\n", "My dog only responds to commands in Spanish. He's Espanyol.\n", "\n", "Rights group decries 'crisis of violence and impunity' in Mexico \n", "\n", "\"...that was a long, long time ago...another life. Please...it's Earthworm James now\"\n", "\n", "Iron Hand (Fist) In A Velvet Glove\n", "\n", "Pierre Corneille was a French tragedian who was one of the three great seventeenth-century French dramatists , along with Molière and Racine.\n", "\n", "Turkey reinstates Vatican envoy after row over pope's Armenian remarks \n", "\n", "Grenade attack kills child, wounds his father in Burundi's capital \n", "\n", "Closely watched AstraZeneca cancer drug fails in mesothelioma \n", "\n", "Between Two Stools One Goes (Falls) To The Ground\n", "\n", "However , for two days every year , through trains were run from London , terminating at North Weald.\n", "\n", "Magnitude 6.4 earthquake hits southern Taiwan: USGS \n", "\n", "Pharmacist: Viagra for Bryan! Spelled B-R-Y-A-N! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bryan: Geez, don’t embarrass me like that. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Pharmacist: Oh sorry. Viagra for Brian, spelled the normal way!\n", "\n", "Their parapodia enlarge so they can swim.\n", "\n", "Turkish army says 14 PKK militants killed in southeast Turkey \n", "\n", "Him: Did you adopt your dog?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: No, he's my biological dog.\n", "\n", "A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet.\n", "\n", "Home alone and something just farted. Don't know whether to laugh or be scared.\n", "\n", "Listen, if you’re walking with @quiarahudes & longtime twitterican buddy @WhatCharli, and you come across a @singforhope piano on 175th street—\r", "\r", "\r\n", "You have to play “Lloraras” by Oscar D’Leon, I don’t make the rules\n", "\n", "I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.\n", "\n", "Self-replication is any process by which a thing will make a copy of itself.\n", "\n", "One day before Hindenburg 's death , Hitler flew to Neudeck and visited him.\n", "\n", "[me grooming a majestic horse] such a powerful dog\n", "\n", "One killed by blast that forced Somali emergency landing: officials \n", "\n", "well my Xmas shopping is done\n", "\n", "Freed U.S. prisoner popped champagne on leaving Iranian air space \n", "\n", "patent clerk: NEXT\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: here you go \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "patent clerk: *reading papers* you can’t patent patentin-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *steps behind counter* NEXT\n", "\n", "Me: and they all lived happily ever after. the end :)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Daughter: happily ever after my ass\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: [closing the book and kissing her forehead] that’s right sweetie\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Son in Law: can u read us one more story i’m not tired yet\n", "\n", "See the example to the right.\n", "\n", "Why can't hedgehogs just share the hedge?\n", "\n", "Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.\n", "\n", "As a result , the bats were banished to the night , never to see the sun again without suffering terrible penalties.\n", "\n", "Asia stocks slip in holiday-thinned trade \n", "\n", "The most common surname In China is Chang, correct me if you think that's Wong.\n", "\n", "China's Xinjiang to use entertainment, possibly singing and dancing, in terror fight \n", "\n", "What's the difference between a Penis and a paycheck? After five years your Wife will still blow your paycheck.\n", "\n", "One dead as gunfire erupts outside Denver motorcycle expo \n", "\n", "Denmark extends border control on border with Germany \n", "\n", "I called NHS direct over a week ago about a problem with my ears. I still haven't heard anything!\n", "\n", "By the end of 2003 , Green Day collaborated with Iggy Pop on two tracks for his album Skull Ring.\n", "\n", "Wanna know what really makes my blood boil? Crematoriums.\n", "\n", "United Airlines sees \"very limited operations\" at New York area airports Sunday afternoon\n", "\n", "Slain Virginia student's scent found in suspect's apartment: witness \n", "\n", "What do you call Postman Pat on the dole? Pat\n", "\n", "Breaking one 's leg is not a good thing to hope for - therefore - by some superstition - if `` good luck '' causes bad luck , then the perceived bad luck of breaking one 's leg causes good.\n", "\n", "Saurischia is one of the two orders , or basic divisions , of dinosaurs.\n", "\n", "zoinks scoob i think we just killed jonbenet ramsey\n", "\n", "What do you call a snowman with a suntan? A puddle.\n", "\n", "Venezuela releases dire economic data as measures seen insufficient: \n", "\n", "expedia: would u like to buy trip insurance?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: no thanks\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "expedia: are u sure? over 5200 people protected their trips today\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i'm good\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "expedia: sheryl m. from seattle recovered the full value of her trip after getting sick\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: stop\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "expedia: if u don't buy this u will die\n", "\n", "How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.\n", "\n", "Monte Carlo is home to most of the Circuit de Monaco , on which the Formula One Monaco Grand Prix takes place.\n", "\n", "A Lie Begets A Lie\n", "\n", "Crystal Cave is one of these , and - as its name suggests - is one of the most spectacularly beautiful , with many stalactites , stalagmites , and deep crystal-clear pools.\n", "\n", "You Cannot Wash Charcoal White\n", "\n", "He was also the one who suggested splitting Kurohime into two beings : one consisting of pure hate , the other , of love and compassion.\n", "\n", "Oregon standoff ends after 41 days with dramatic surrender \n", "\n", "Two boy silkworms pursued a luscious girl silkworm. They ended up in a tie.\n", "\n", "mugger: *points gun* your money or your life\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "mugger: no i mean-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital\n", "\n", "Christie and Bush came after Rubio at GOPDebate. \n", "\n", "Iasanamericanhavediscoveredanewwaytobelazyandthatisusingnospacebar.\n", "\n", "diner: my complements to the chef\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "waiter: yes these scarves are just what his outfit needs.\n", "\n", "*listens to smells like teen spirit*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "i do not understand what he's saying\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*reads smells like teen spirit lyrics*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "i do not understand what he's saying\n", "\n", "You can find me in the club, selling body scrub. Hawking perfumes by the liter and some Vicks VapoRub. I got vanilla candles and some bubbles for your tub...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "~Fifty scent\n", "\n", "One of the largest festivals in Australia used to take place here every April.\n", "\n", "Guess who I bumped into in specsavers the other day. Everyone!\n", "\n", "boomers: stop complaining you just need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "millenials: we can't afford boots we can barely afford to stay alive\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "boomers: WHY ARE MILLENIALS KILLING THE BOOTSTRAP INDUSTRY\n", "\n", "My parents told me they didn't have children. Are you as confused as I am?\n", "\n", "Moore would eventually have ten second place finishes in world-title competition.\n", "\n", "Toyota may halt Japan car output in February due to steel shortage \n", "\n", "lShould vegetarians eat animal crackers?\n", "\n", "It may have been the world 's third tallest building after the two Great Pyramids for its entire life.\n", "\n", "Singer Celine Dion's brother near death: newspaper \n", "\n", " Texas politicians' public comments about man arrested on 'terror' charges may have jeopardized inquiry: law enforcement sources\n", "\n", "I don't use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never\n", "\n", "ME: [hitting my head on the edge of an infinity pool] what the hell?\n", "\n", "The two discuss various things , including a Prince who is in love with Lulu and wants to marry her.\n", "\n", "Bloomington is the home to Indiana University.\n", "\n", "Scotland would seek independence referendum if England votes to leave EU - Salmond \n", "\n", "Since it's the thought that counts, I'll just keep thinking about getting that colonoscopy.\n", "\n", "I know you're only pretending to like me because my fanny pack is filled with crayons. I don't even mind.\n", "\n", "Syrian govt forces open new battle with rebels in northwest \n", "\n", "I'm going to make an ice cream name \"Genetics\" so then people have an excuse to be so fat.\n", "\n", "However , IQ tests may well be biased when used in other situations.\n", "\n", "An animated Maiasaura appeared in the Great Dinosaur Adventure , an episode of Go , Diego , Go !.\n", "\n", "[before electricity was invented]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [presses hand dryer]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]\n", "\n", " Einstein was right, again: gravitational waves detected. \n", "\n", "magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *already sawing myself in half*\n", "\n", "It was indeed worth the effort . ''\n", "\n", "What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.\n", "\n", "In 1982 , the Toyota Motor Company and Toyota Motor Sales merged into one company , the Toyota Motor Corporation.\n", "\n", "White is best known for his The Natural History and Antiquities of Selborne.\n", "\n", "Emergency services at UK's Didcot power plant after explosion reported \n", "\n", "What post-grad actually looks like\n", "\n", "Palestinian corruption chief claws back $70 million, more to recoup \n", "\n", "ECB can accept securities backed by bad loans as collateral, Draghi says \n", "\n", "Each Bird Loves To Hear Himself Sing\n", "\n", "It comes equipped with default styles that should work for most navigational templates.\n", "\n", "I'm seeing this girl with eczema. She's got a cracking body.\n", "\n", "I tried to teach my dog how to fetch. He just doesn't get it.\n", "\n", "Cameron's EU deal may disappoint wavering British voters - Sturgeon: \n", "\n", "You know I can see 6 years into the future? I have 2020 vision.\n", "\n", "I want to thank you all for coming to the service for our friend kelsey. first off *looks from casket to her parents* I wanna apologize for thinking I could do her hair and makeup\n", "\n", "What sort of jam can't you eat? Traffic jam.\n", "\n", "The formation of the Isthmus of Panama joined the two continents two to three million years ago , precipitating the Great American Interchange , an important biogeographical event.\n", "\n", "Soundgarden won two Grammy Awards in 1995 ; `` Black Hole Sun '' received the award for Best Hard Rock Performance and `` Spoonman '' received the award for Best Metal Performance.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away.\n", "\n", "How many immature people does it take to change a lightbulb? Your Mother!\n", "\n", "Adhesive tape can be one of many varieties of backing materials coated with an adhesive.\n", "\n", "My wife caught me with another woman*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*2lb bag of gummy worms\n", "\n", "Little cigars differ greatly from regular cigars.\n", "\n", "Where does a cucumber go to get drunk? A salad bar.\n", "\n", "I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.\n", "\n", "Why did the CIA torture the Russian wasp? Because he was a cagey bee agent.\n", "\n", "Israel may bank on Obama's successor for future U.S. aid pact: minister \n", "\n", "Some viruses can live in an open environment for a short time , in some cases , only a few hours.\n", "\n", "Asian stocks set to test February peak after upbeat U.S. data \n", "\n", "HSBC decides to stay in Britain \n", "\n", "Did you hear about the goth kid with dyslexia? He sold his soul to Santa.\n", "\n", "They have two components : a shaft and a head.\n", "\n", "Alcoholic proof is a measure of how much alcohol is contained in an alcoholic beverage.\n", "\n", "As Obama announces his plan to close Guantanamo, a look inside the prison\n", "\n", "The glockenspiel 's range is limited to the upper register , and usually covers about two and a half to three octaves.\n", "\n", "Rij-Rousseau was born in Candé.\n", "\n", "MacGruber starts asking for simple objects to make something to defuse the bomb , but he is later distracted by something that makes him run out of time.\n", "\n", "The name Occitan comes from lenga d' òc , which comes from òc , the Occitan word for yes.\n", "\n", "I'm not saying my wife's fat, but I struggle to lift her photograph.\n", "\n", "Sometime around 1515 Willaert first went to Rome.\n", "\n", "Cooking is as easy as cake.\n", "\n", "I love you Michael. I hope you know that.\n", "\n", "France seeking new sanctions on Iran over missile tests: AP. \n", "\n", "Israel's West Bank businesses face growing pressure to uproot \n", "\n", "MTV Unplugged in New York is a live album by the American grunge band Nirvana.\n", "\n", "[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don't tell him, he's never known the truth\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL\n", "\n", "Why did the homeless man vote for Obama? Because he promised change.\n", "\n", "Fault Lines by @KevinMKruse\n", "\n", "I was abducted by a UFO, and while a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell, I will say I'm the 1st human in the 36 billion billion mile high club.\n", "\n", "Why do you never buy a woman a watch? Because there's a clock on the stove.\n", "\n", "Inhabitants of New South Wales are referred to as being New South Welsh or New South Welshmen.\n", "\n", "Asian-American judges among Obama's options as he seeks to replace Scalia \n", "\n", "The red head has two long black spines with clubbed ends.\n", "\n", "Barbara Pierce Bush is the elder of the fraternal twin daughters of the 43rd U.S. President George W. Bush and former First Lady Laura Bush , and the granddaughter of the 41st U.S. President George H. W. Bush.\n", "\n", "In two appearances as a pitcher , Wistert allowed only one run in eight innings , for a career ERA of 1.13.\n", "\n", "How much does a grand piano cost? £1000\n", "\n", "The pressure at Havana falls to 29.35 ''\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.\n", "\n", "The Kavirondo keep cattle , sheep , goats , fowls and a few dogs.\n", "\n", "yeah grandma i know i'm poor because i went to starbucks last week and not because the student loan crisis in america has crippled an entire generation i'm not an idiot\n", "\n", "Three men are walking through the woods , they hear strange noises and catch glimpses of something moving in the undergrowth.\n", "\n", "The article said that Essjay spent some 14 hours or more a day on Wikipedia but was careful to keep his online life a secret from his colleagues and friends.\n", "\n", "#FlashbackFriday: Watch scenes from @NYCityCenter's TICK, TICK...BOOM!, starring @Lin_Manuel, @Karenolivo & @leslieodomjr → http://bit.ly/2RrZkE8 \n", "\n", "A blonde read a news headline, \"12 Brazilian soldiers killed\" She shook her head and asked her friend, \"How many is a Brazilian?\"\n", "\n", "anyone need help opening a pickle jar?\n", "\n", "This karate class is so fake, they don't even teach you how to shoot a fireball\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic? He didn't believe in Dog.\n", "\n", "The standard server implementations and many clients are also free and open source software.\n", "\n", "Iran's Zarif says does not know about BBC journalist \n", "\n", "Bankers say end of loose monetary policy era has fueled volatility:\n", "\n", "The eastern end has retained much original glass , which is rare in England.\n", "\n", "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.\n", "\n", "To Make Both Ends Meet\n", "\n", "Me drafting tweets when i’m drunk: this is hilarious! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me reading drafts when i’m sober: potango: a love story of a potato and a mango\n", "\n", "The most familiar numbers are the natural numbers or counting numbers : one , two , three , and so on.\n", "\n", "Brushing up my Milli Vanilli instructional dance video...in case anyone is interested in chest bumping with me later.\n", "\n", "THERAPIST: We discussed your fear of large animals recently\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [nodding]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "THERAPIST: But I want to address the elephant in the room\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [spitting out drink] the what now\n", "\n", "me: if you break something then try to put it back together, you might find the pieces don't fit the same\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "customer: can you break this dollar or not man\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i just want her back\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "customer: and i just want change\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: u sound just like her\n", "\n", "Why doesn't Mike Tyson play Playstation? He's an Xboxer.\n", "\n", "Three missing in collapsed Didcot power station: \n", "\n", "Why thousands of Iraqi refugees are leaving Finland voluntarily: \n", "\n", "If I was a pig, I'd get a tattoo of a coin slot on my back.\n", "\n", " Goldman Sachs inks joint Mexico energy, infrastructure deal - source \n", "\n", "Gluck 's masterly Iphigénie en Tauride was first produced on May 18 , 1779.\n", "\n", "Tuatara , like many of New Zealand 's native animals , are threatened by habitat loss and introduced predators like the Polynesian Rat.\n", "\n", "Who called it necrophilia and not \"blowing a casket\"?\n", "\n", "My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It's called a Lunch.\n", "\n", "The town holds a festival in May.\n", "\n", "Now , let 's say we 've got a more complicated example , like the Lake Shore Limited , which runs from Chicago east to either Boston or New York.\n", "\n", "This is a nucleus with one proton and one neutron , i.e. a deuterium nucleus.\n", "\n", "The Early Bird Catches The Worm\n", "\n", "Brazil President called as witness in bribery investigation \n", "\n", "Oregon incident part of a decades-old conflict between ranchers and federal government \n", "\n", "Bosnian Serb general Zdravko Tolimir dies in The Hague \n", "\n", "Her Sanskrit name is `` Sarasvatî Devî '' , which means `` flowing water '' , and so Benzaiten is the goddess of everything that flows : water , words , speech , eloquence , and music.\n", "\n", "`` Say My Name '' is hit song by American R&B group Destiny 's Child.\n", "\n", "me: *dying* will this hurt\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "doctor: not as much as life did\n", "\n", "Him: Did you adopt your dog?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: No, he's my biological dog.\n", "\n", "Q: how many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n", "A: wanna go ride a bikes???\n", "\n", "It underwent yet another change when Sir Martin Laing retired in early 2002.\n", "\n", "Sometimes, I wish I could hit the snooze button on coworkers.\n", "\n", "A duck goes into a shop and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The Cashier says \"That'll be £1.50 please.The Duck says \"Just put it on my bill\"\n", "\n", "honk if your species killed the Great Barrier Reef\n", "\n", "No matter how big your smartphone's screen is, you still have to scroll down to see Chelsea's position in the league table.\n", "\n", "Like other corvids , they may learn to mimic human speech.\n", "\n", "The only thing worse than oj with pulp is oj with knife\n", "\n", "The main character is a brave hamster named Hamtaro who goes on adventures and makes friends.\n", "\n", "[marriage counseling]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "She doesn't think I'm very romantic\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"He wears a fanny pack to bed\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "IT'S FOR HOLDING SNACKS, KAREN\n", "\n", "He Who Is Born A Fool Is Never Cured\n", "\n", "ME: What's that on your wrist?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CO-WORKER: It's a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I've taken throughout the day.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm* \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CW: That's just a regular watch.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: I know...it tells me how many hours I've got left until bedtime.\n", "\n", "In Beverly Hills...they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.\n", "\n", "Two interesting facts about me. 1) My knob is the same length as 2 Argos pens. 2) I'm banned from Argos.\n", "\n", "Why did 10 die? Because he was in the middle of 9/11\n", "\n", "My shortest date occurred in college when upon passing by a bike rack, I mentioned that someone had stolen my bike from it. He seemed rather interested, getting details, until he finally confessed he was the thief and this car was stolen too.\n", "\n", "The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia.\n", "\n", "Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?\n", "\n", "Denmark PM names two new ministers after avoiding snap vote \n", "\n", "Iran-linked groups focus of Baghdad kidnapping probe: U.S. sources: \n", "\n", "U.N. council set to approve mission to verify Colombia peace deal \n", "\n", "I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single\n", "\n", "@ anti-vaxers\n", "\n", "I’m wearing a blouse today, like I’m responsible and 96 years old.\n", "\n", "Why don't supermarkets be more honest and rename their \"Parent and Child\" spaces as \"Lazy Bastard with Massive 4x4\" spaces?\n", "\n", "On May 4 , 2007 , a judge in New York ruled that Monroe 's rights of publicity ended at death.\n", "\n", "On 20 May 2008 , a fire broke out at the Philharmonie.\n", "\n", "using a belt sander to trim the fat off a brisket and it catches at a weird angle and throws the whole meat slab directly into my cup cabinet breaking every single cup i own\n", "\n", "\"Now, how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?\" thought the spider.\n", "\n", "My friend keeps telling me to stop impersonating butter. I can't, I'm on a roll now. \n", "\n", "If you seesaw something, saysaid something.\n", "\n", "\"Dad, do you have to be so frugal?\" \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"Shut up and eat your Boof™ brand imitation beef.\"\n", "\n", "Without warning , their rope breaks.\n", "\n", "The album Nuff Said contains live recordings from the Westbury Music Fair , April 7 , 1968 , three days after the murder of Martin Luther King , Jr..\n", "\n", "On each day , the characters discover new insights and artifacts.\n", "\n", "Many expected Robinson to be the choice , but the party leader instead picked an unknown , new senior counsel called John Rogers.\n", "\n", "If prisoners get arrested, where do they go?\n", "\n", "happy fathers day! here is a full minute of my dad starting his voicemails by telling me what time it is:\n", "\n", "What happened to the fly that sat on the toilet seat? He got pissed off.\n", "\n", "Does a rabbi charge a lot for circumcisions? No. He just keeps the tips.\n", "\n", "Another new friend comes in the form of Miss Margaret Larner , who he later discovers to be the `` torch '' who helped him to be born so many years ago , and with whom he has been strangely linked since that day.\n", "\n", "Always remember that you are unique..Just like everyone else.\n", "\n", "Next 'Vienna format' meeting on Syria may take place on Feb. 11: RIA \n", "\n", "Once in a while I take the blame when the dog farts, just to pay him back.\n", "\n", "I tried to log onto Twitter earlier today. It said,\"Cookies are required to operate.\" I thought to myself, \"Me too Twitter. Me too.\"\n", "\n", "U.S. stepping up push for ceasefire, aid in Syria: officials \n", "\n", "St. Louis Rams green-lit for move to Los Angeles \n", "\n", "charles barkley with the baby filter looks like charles barkley\n", "\n", "ME: Zoos can be a bummer, but at least they help stop climate change from wiping out endangered species.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "KEEPER: Yeah so get settled in I’ll be back to feed you at 6.\n", "\n", "I spent two weeks on a rewrite - then a couple weeks a month later on set. It was chaotic and confusing, and they didn't use much of what I wrote. I think I only got credit cause I was on vacation when the arbitration happened and no one else wanted it.\n", "\n", "My Nigerian wife looked at our 5-year-old kid and said \"aww, they blow up so fast\"\n", "\n", "Meher Baba said that Babajan was one of the five Perfect Masters of her time.\n", "\n", "Yemen government says Hezbollah fighting alongside Houthis \n", "\n", "In his spare time he copied the old masters in the Louvre.\n", "\n", "In some parts of the world , it is called railway time or continental time.\n", "\n", "Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: say no more\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[Later]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet\n", "\n", "INTERVIEWER: do u consider urself independent\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *looks at mom in chair behind me*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MOM: *nods*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: I'd say yes *gives mom a big thumbs up*\n", "\n", "Marriage: Assisted Suicide.\n", "\n", "Hungry Bellies Have No Ears\n", "\n", "[browsing in a pet shop]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: 'scuse me, do you work here?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "hamster: no\n", "\n", "there’s just something about how geminis hype up their own season that......makes it sound like a threat\n", "\n", "Since the 19th century , historians have learned much more about the early Christian community.\n", "\n", "There Are Lees To Every Wine\n", "\n", "In 2004 , drummer Brandon Barnes stated : `` I think we have a lot of different influences from hardcore like old Cave In , to a lot of punk like Face to Face , Screeching Weasel , and Down By Law . ''\n", "\n", " Killed Oregon protester named as armed group's spokesman: \n", "\n", "Apollo Global Management nears deal to buy ADT Corp: source \n", "\n", "The happier Asian's get, the less they can see.\n", "\n", "The Mexican Wolf is a subspecies of the Gray Wolf.\n", "\n", "Dim light bulbs or bright light bulbs? Watts the difference.\n", "\n", "Murders in Honduras drop 12 percent in 2015 as drug bosses extradited: group \n", "\n", "Many people know Reims for its cathedral , Notre-Dame de Reims , formerly the place of coronation of the kings of France.\n", "\n", "[first time doing standup]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *struggling to climb onto the stage* isn't it wild how lasagna be cake\n", "\n", "Daimler is recalling 840,000 vehicles in the U.S. over airbag concerns. Find out more: \n", "\n", "Why does a flamingo lift up one leg? Because if it lifted both it would fall over.\n", "\n", "*gets over myself \r", "\r", "\r\n", "*applies for sainthood\n", "\n", "Along the way , Timon and Pumbaa meet for the first time and set out to find a `` dream home . ''\n", "\n", "Almost bought a magazine before I realized it was $12.\n", "\n", "Housing market risks rising, but smaller than in 2014: BoE's Cunliffe \n", "\n", "The highest point of the county is White Horse Hill , in the Vale of White Horse , reaching 261 metres.\n", "\n", "easyJet to trial plane with fuel cells to help cut costs \n", "\n", "“They said they’ll hand me over to the Islamic State.” More \n", "\n", "Malapropisms are the Achilles' hill I’m prepared to die on.\n", "\n", "Two corpses found in Mexico after apparent abduction \n", "\n", "Three Americans kidnapped in Baghdad last month have been released: Iraqi media\n", "\n", "A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.\n", "\n", "Don't let Brexit threat hold euro zone back, France's Sapin says \n", "\n", "Facebook shares jump 12 percent as mobile ads win big \n", "\n", "Training a new group of interns to write tweets for me in my own distinctive style. \"Less funny,\" I tell one. \"Wordier,\" I correct another.\n", "\n", "The mean anomaly is one of three angular parameters that define a position along an orbit ; the other two being the eccentric anomaly and the true anomaly.\n", "\n", "Soon after , three more houses were furnished , growing the total of children cared for to 130.\n", "\n", "When I feel like life is going too fast, I go to the DMV.\n", "\n", "African Union backs away from imposing peacekeepers on Burundi \n", "\n", "What do they call a man who builds twenty boats a month? Sir Launchalot.\n", "\n", "Pi Day is observed on March 14 ; since 3 , 1 and 4 are the first three digits of π.\n", "\n", "Who's the coolest guy at the hospital? The ultrasound guy! But what about when he's not there? The hip replacement guy!\n", "\n", "I was about to scream at a man in my hometown for condescendingly asking if my 6y/o son was gay (because who cares if he is) but then my son started pirouetting around him while holding his Little Mermaid LEGOs and singing Taylor Swift so I just said, “Isn’t he fucking fabulous?”\n", "\n", "Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World's Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”\n", "\n", "The CD was recorded live at Symphony Space in New York City on May 9 and 16 , 2005.\n", "\n", "Magazine publisher Time Inc considering merging with Yahoo: Bloomberg\n", "\n", "He lasted three days longer than he did on.\n", "\n", "“These tweets don’t write themselves” I say, placing a large amount of Scrabble tiles in a blender\n", "\n", "Supreme Court strikes down Florida death sentence process \n", "\n", "Despite carbon ruling, White House says U.S. can meet climate deal goals \n", "\n", "I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?\n", "\n", "It would be three centuries before Claudius Ptolemaeus ' synthesis of astronomy would supersede the work of Hipparchus ; it is heavily dependent on it in many areas.\n", "\n", "What is the difference between an Aggie and a pizza? The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.\n", "\n", "A passage from Part Two of The Pilgrim 's Progress beginning `` Who would true Valour see '' has been used in the hymn `` To be a Pilgrim ''.\n", "\n", "People always talk about how “Thanos was right” but what about Lotso Bear from Toy Story 3? Why wouldn’t the toys that had been there the longest get to play with the more age-appropriate kids? His methods may have been extreme but Lotso Bear paid his dues\n", "\n", "What do sperm and politicians have in common? About 1 in every 500 or 600 million have a chance at becoming human.\n", "\n", "Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[hours later]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL\n", "\n", "However , a small amount of ash survived and put out new ash trees as well.\n", "\n", "Sometimes I wonder why I'm single. Other times I ask my dog \"are you mad at me?\" eighty times in a row and I know why.\n", "\n", "Bush suspends his campaign, CNN reports\n", "\n", "My wife has had her panties stolen off the line! Fuming! U can keep the knickers but can we have the 40 pegs back please!\n", "\n", "Sterling hit by Brexit worries after London Mayor joins 'out' camp: \n", "\n", "Make Haste Slowly\n", "\n", "I got a part in the movie cocaine. I only had one line.\n", "\n", "ECB in talks with Italy over buying bundles of bad loans \n", "\n", "Just found out I have a Chinese half brother after all these years. Can't wait to meet Mi Sib Ling.\n", "\n", "I saw a girl fully clothed walking by me at the mall earlier today, 'Skank' I thought to myself, 'I bet she's naked under all those clothes'\n", "\n", "Defying Cameron, London Mayor Boris to campaign for British exit from EU \n", "\n", "Thelma Catherine Ryan was born in the small mining town of Ely , Nevada , the day before St. Patrick 's Day.\n", "\n", "Conjecture: There is no reason to worry that someone might be quietly hating you forever because either they're not and it's all in your head or they are and it's all in theirs.\n", "\n", "Turkey closes media outlets seized from Gulen-linked owner \n", "\n", "Turkish soldiers on border shot at from ISIS territory in Syria \n", "\n", "Andy Murray has the perfect opportunity to finally get rid of his miserable boring persona! All he has to do is name his new daughter Ruby.\n", "\n", "His last known work is the decoration of Podestà Chapel in the Bargello , Florence.\n", "\n", "Her: so you’re rich?!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: yeah ᶦⁿ ˢᵖᶦʳᶦᵗ\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Her: what?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I’m loaded ʷᶦᵗʰ ᵈᵉᵇᵗ\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Her: huh?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I owe ˢᵒ ᵐᵘᶜʰ ᵐᵒⁿᵉʸ ah dammit i said the quiet part loud\n", "\n", "Franco-Nevada to buy Glencore precious metals stream for $500 million \n", "\n", "If you don't have an MFA or a book, APPLY to PEN Emerging Voices @pen_ev. I had no publications when I applied, and it was the greatest experience of my life.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "App due August 1st!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "@WritersofColor @LatinxCaucus @vonavoices\n", "\n", "Syria war rages hours before deal to halt fighting \n", "\n", "Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum tish!\n", "\n", "This is known as open loop control.\n", "\n", "NASA delays space station cargo run due to mold on packing bags: \n", "\n", "hot paramedic: you've been in an accident, we're going to have to cut your clothes off\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *remembers i'm wearing Thundercats underwear* WAIT don't damage my Thundercats underwear\n", "\n", "Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested? He was charged with battery.\n", "\n", "A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double-entendre. So he gives her one.\n", "\n", "San Bernardino victims to oppose Apple on iPhone encryption \n", "\n", "HER: Let’s play 21 questions\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Ok\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: You start ;)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Why do I shit with my legs crossed\n", "\n", "My best mate was a hairdresser. He passed away recently, but at least he died doing what he loved..Dying.\n", "\n", "EU states seek extension of border controls within Schengen \n", "\n", "just tweeted that your a twit.\n", "\n", "A Great Fortune Is A Great Slavery\n", "\n", "When God shuts a door he opens a window. And turns off the lights. There’s food in the fridge. He'll be home by 9. Don't touch that thermostat!\n", "\n", "Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.\n", "\n", "Players can pick up dead balls and throw them back at the other team.\n", "\n", "Australian counter-terrorism police raid Melbourne properties \n", "\n", "China stocks up after circuit breaker axed, yuan fixed higher \n", "\n", "There's a fine line between being a tattle-tale And saving your own butt.\n", "\n", "He made another bad start at the Moscow 1925 chess tournament , and could only fight back to third place , two points behind Bogoljubow and 1/2 point behind Emanuel Lasker.\n", "\n", "Serenity won the 2006 Hugo Award for Best Dramatic Presentation , Long Form.\n", "\n", "I'll never forget what Grandma said before she kicked the bucket. She said \"Look how far I can kick this bucket\".\n", "\n", "Airbus to keep border security unit in defense electronics sale \n", "\n", "Indexes set to open lower as oil prices slip: \n", "\n", "How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!\n", "\n", "I did it! Thanks younglings for the tech support \n", "\n", "her: hit the back wall\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [confusing back wall for fourth wall] hello dear reader\n", "\n", "To make things worse , their flint is still underwater after their boat capsized while paddling to their new beach.\n", "\n", "Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?\n", "\n", " Presidential hopefuls Sanders, Clinton in dead heat - Reuters/Ipsos poll \n", "\n", "I think I'm having a no-life crisis.\n", "\n", "Gang jailed for sex crimes in English town at centre of abuse scandal \n", "\n", "Limiting German refugee intake not unethical, president says \n", "\n", "My girlfriend says I'm clueless. I haven't an idea what she is talking about.\n", "\n", "This would continue through the next two tribal councils that Lopevi took part in.\n", "\n", "Suffering from anxiety or depression?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Try new Cheer Up™\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Solve ALL your problems with ease by\r", "\r", "\r\n", "𝓒𝓱𝓮𝓮𝓻𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓤𝓹!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "And now introducing NEW Cheer Up™ for WOMEN: Calm Down™\n", "\n", "Crowded insurance industry becomes latest casualty of oil slump \n", "\n", "Alarm: beep beep beep\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I respectfully decline.\n", "\n", "All Are Not Saints That Go To Church\n", "\n", "Hurricane Ivan became extratropical the next day.\n", "\n", "Have you ever seen the inside of an ac compressor? It's really cool. \n", "\n", "Europe calls time on ship navigation scheme despite risks at sea \n", "\n", "The contract with Kyocera that gave the company naming rights expired in early 2008.\n", "\n", "It Is An Ill Bird That Fouls Its Own Nest\n", "\n", "The letters sent to China by major powers over concerns on new or planned laws. \n", "\n", "Those times you looked out the car window and imagined you were in a music video would have made the shittiest music video in history.\n", "\n", "A Fault Confessed Is Half Redressed\n", "\n", "I'm not saying I'm lazy, I'm just saying I do all of my gardening in the produce section of the grocery store.\n", "\n", "Jonathan threw a bottle at the TV during a viewing of the 6th Sense when the child said 'I see dead people' he replied quietly \"who doesn't.....\"\n", "\n", "[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: oh shit\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[From Basement]: Oh shit\n", "\n", "UK government to prevent public sector boycotts of Israeli suppliers \n", "\n", "The breeding season lasts April to May.\n", "\n", "Irish vote may bring political uncertainty after economic recovery \n", "\n", "The two streams run through the estate , one of them the Glamis Burn.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the Leper going for the masturbation world record? Eventually he pulled it off!\n", "\n", "Elena Sergeevna Katina , born October 4 , 1984 , better known as Lena Katina is one half of the Russian music duo t.A.T.u. ; the other being Yulia Volkova.\n", "\n", "Taylor was born at Sydney in 1872.\n", "\n", "This template takes three unnamed input parameters ; you must supply the first one , and the last two are optional.\n", "\n", "Flying Scotsman steam train puffs again, thrilling enthusiasts \n", "\n", "Shrimp come in shells so technically it’s already a taco\n", "\n", "All Asses Wag Their Ears\n", "\n", "Ten days after the previous storm , another hurricane , this time a major hurricane , hit central North Carolina.\n", "\n", "To Be In One's Birthday Suit\n", "\n", "I think that to counteract shoplifting, stores have rigged their scanners to automatically mark up the price that was on the shelf.\n", "\n", "It was chosen by School Library Journal as one of their best books of 1994.\n", "\n", "anybody: i love this time of year! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: you mean you ove it\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "anybody: what\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: cause there's Noel\n", "\n", "At the start , each player controls sixteen pieces : one king , one queen , two rooks , two knights , two bishops , and eight pawns.\n", "\n", "Although the adjudicator 's decision doesn't have the same legal weight , an adjudicator has still rendered a decision just like a judge.\n", "\n", "Over 90% of people over 60 believe that we show less respect to others than we did in the past. Silly old fuckers!\n", "\n", "me when I was 10: when I grow up I’ll travel around the world solving ancient mysteries\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me now: stays in bed trying to decipher why no one likes me\n", "\n", "What does diarrhea and a bar fight have in common? Blood on your stool.\n", "\n", "White House rebuts Supreme Court hypocrisy charge against Obama \n", "\n", "Got thrown out of Dragons Den. Apparently asking Deborah Meaden to \"Fuck off and get me a sandwich while the men talk business\" is unacceptable.\n", "\n", "This is the broken labor broker business\n", "\n", "They should readjust clothing size to S,M,L,XL,F(at) and 2F(at).\n", "\n", "Flashing back to 1974 , we see how Homer falls in love with Marge in high school and tries to get close to her by enlisting her as his French tutor.\n", "\n", "Me:[forgetting the word for water] do you have any pee fuel\n", "\n", "[50 years from now]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*visiting husband’s grave*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”\n", "\n", "A breakfast sausage is a type of fresh pork sausage usually served at breakfast.\n", "\n", "Chicken eggs are widely used in many types of dishes , both sweet and savory.\n", "\n", "You're not living longer, you're just dying slower!\n", "\n", "I live everyday trying not to disappoint those three people who wrote \"Stay Cool\" in my yearbook.\n", "\n", "Chicken stock is on the rise. It’s a conspiracy by Big Broth-er.\n", "\n", "If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.\n", "\n", "My 4yo makes nonsense words and sometimes accidentally comes across real ones. Tht is a lot of lead up to the fact that my 4yo has been calling my 2yo a wanker all morning.\n", "\n", "her: it’s the third date\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: you know what that means \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: yep ;) \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: we’re gonna steal the declaration of independence\n", "\n", "when people leave my 15 yr old sister on read she sends them voice memos of her Screaming\n", "\n", " Construction crane collapses in lower Manhattan: CBS\n", "\n", "At its basic level , MT performs simple substitution of words in one natural language for words in another.\n", "\n", "wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me\n", "\n", "So I said “What about Signs with Mel Gibson?”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "She said “I think I remember that film and-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "The aliens ran through a dewy wet corn field”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "And I said “Well there’s the hole in that plot”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bwaaa dada da da dooo\n", "\n", "if i started a chill minecraft realm would 9 people wanna join\n", "\n", "Walking past the prison and saw a midget climbing down the wall. He glared at me. Said to my friend \"That's a little con descending\"\n", "\n", "A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says \"Pint please, and one for the road\"\n", "\n", "One Good Turn Deserves Another\n", "\n", "Halls was first made in the 1930s in Britain by the Halls Brothers company.\n", "\n", "This is how Twitter reacted to news of the death of Harper Lee: \n", "\n", "Why don't Jewish cannibals like eating Germans? They give them gas.\n", "\n", "She was the 27th First Lady.\n", "\n", "Little Chips Light Great Fires\n", "\n", "I just love helium..I can't speak highly enough about it!\n", "\n", "How do you make a woman angry and sick at the same time? Cholera, bitch.\n", "\n", "She also supports the Love Our Children USA organization , which named her among their Mothers Who Make a Difference in 2009.\n", "\n", "oh nothin, i was just buying some ear medication for my sick uncle... *LOWERS SHADES TO LOOK YOU DEAD IN THE EYE* who's a Model by the way,\n", "\n", "Wall Street bleeds: \n", "\n", "I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. He asked,Whats this for? A pay rise.My wife told me to grow it first and then ask u\n", "\n", "visit http://savelayne.com to learn about the free process and how you can get in contact with the medical team. our donation link here is currently showing an error message, but the rest of the site is a great educational resource. if you have any questions, please dm me\n", "\n", "My friends' kids' names began from a-z. after they had George, they named their next girl Zack. I don't think they wanted anymore kids.\n", "\n", "Germany's Merkel toughens tone on migrants as protesters gather \n", "\n", "Bootleg liquor kills at least 24 in Indonesian village: media \n", "\n", "Lawmaker calls for clarity on banks offsetting taxes on fines \n", "\n", "Justice Scalia, conservative icon, dead at 79: \n", "\n", "Czech MEP, arrested in Swiss bank case, dies in Prague \n", "\n", "Fell asleep at a party last night, and someone put a teabag in my mouth, i went mental! No one treats me like a mug.\n", "\n", "To Angle With A Silver Hook\n", "\n", "Homicides in El Salvador double during first two months of 2016 \n", "\n", "U.N. says aid ship docks in Yemen after diversion to Saudi Arabia \n", "\n", "World stocks set for a third straight week of losses: \n", "\n", "me: I have simple, small dreams. to have a dog and a garden. to have my books and time to read them. perhaps the occasional vacation. maybe even healthcare. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "the economy:\n", "\n", "Zika is discouraging many in the U.S. from Latin America travel. Read our \n", "\n", "Wash Your Dirty Linen At Home\n", "\n", "China stocks tumble over 6 percent, worst loss in a month\n", "\n", "Experience v. Judgment: Clinton, Sanders vie for pivotal Iowa vote \n", "\n", "When Alexander Graham Bell finally finished inventing the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.\n", "\n", "Why did the scientist disconnect his doorbell? He wanted to win the Nobel Prize.\n", "\n", "I love you\n", "\n", "me: [sees hugh laurie at the trampoline park] ᵇᵒᵘᶰᶜʸ ʰᵒᵘˢᵉ\n", "\n", "What do ghosts eat for dinner? Spooketti.\n", "\n", "me at the school field trip to the zoo whispering “I’m sorry” to the dolphins\n", "\n", "Somewhere, a smart Laser eye surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.\n", "\n", "Dutch PM says Europe has 6-8 weeks to get grip on refugee crisis \n", "\n", "[buying a dog]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "hi yes i want to be absolutely devastated in like 11 years or so\n", "\n", "I’m aging like a fine wine. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "In a basement, unappreciated by men my age.\n", "\n", "This is why the WHO’s lead role in global health is at risk: \n", "\n", "i drive everywhere in earmuffs with the horn jammed on, but if you piss me off i'll unjam the horn and give you the silent treatment.\n", "\n", "the film industry for women, queers, and people of colour:\n", "\n", "The letter 'q' needs to get a real job.\n", "\n", "U.N. chief, Lavrov uphold Syria agreement, call for talks \n", "\n", "Did you hear about the dyslexic who walked into a bra?\n", "\n", "Why Smith & Wesson shares have more than doubled since Sandy Hook\n", "\n", "Infant refugee becomes face of Australia's tough asylum seeker policies \n", "\n", "Aquaman's arch nemesis is supperman. After they come into contact with each other aquaman can't swim for 30 minutes, to avoid cramping.\n", "\n", "You Cannot Eat Your Cake And Have It\n", "\n", "For Britain's undecided voters, economy could swing EU referendum \n", "\n", "On the showdown , each player plays the best poker hand they can make from the seven cards comprising his two hole cards and the five community cards.\n", "\n", "Tropical Storm Claudette was one of three tropical storms active on August 16.\n", "\n", "How the West misread Putin over Syria: \n", "\n", "It became one of the best known collections of consort music in his time.\n", "\n", "PM David Cameron fielding questions about Boris Johnson's Brexit decision: \n", "\n", "British PM Cameron to meet EU's Juncker on Friday: spokeswoman \n", "\n", "Water from these rivers come from the granitic areas and is very pure.\n", "\n", "A magnitude is never negative.\n", "\n", "A standardized time system was first used by British railways on December 11 , 1847 , when they switched from local mean time to Greenwich Mean Time.\n", "\n", "[oyster gets to heaven]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "aww hell yea, that’s a nice gate, what’s it made of\n", "\n", "The story behind this photo of one very eager Trump supporter: \n", "\n", "ME: I frequently practice sensual, self-taught Tai Chi with a very savvy falafel vendor\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "INTERVIEWER: just examples of your professional work please\n", "\n", "Osborne says leaving EU would be 'profound economic shock' - BBC \n", "\n", "It's a tough road ahead for Maduro after dire data: \n", "\n", "my nephew opens a door in my mansion labelled ‘tweet drafts” and i run to block his view but it’s too late. he’s seen the room and all it has is a chalkboard with ‘jon bon voyage’ written on it for when bon jovi dies\n", "\n", "Adds zeros to the end of new until it is the same as the negative original without its sign.\n", "\n", "Greece rages at neighbors as fears migrants could be halted \n", "\n", "For the latter a bag may have one or two handles ; a shoulder bag has a strap to carry it on the shoulder.\n", "\n", "The other Bohemians go out , but Rodolfo remains alone for a moment in order to finish an article he is writing , promising to join his friends soon.\n", "\n", "All Things Are Difficult Before They Are Easy\n", "\n", "Court in bickering Bangladesh accuses former PM of sedition \n", "\n", "For further details see Haydn and Mozart.\n", "\n", "Zeus accepts what Hercules must do , and lets him go.\n", "\n", "EasyJet says demand for travel lower after Paris attacks: \n", "\n", "Evidently the death of Little Eva affected a lot of people at that time , because in 1852 alone 300 baby girls in Boston were given that name.\n", "\n", "Me: [screaming]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "You: [screaming]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "All of us: [screaming]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Ice cream parlour employee: I fuckin quit\n", "\n", "I told him it wasn't good enough science fiction to be drama. That it needed the kinds of leaps of faith that a comedy allows. (I believed then - and do now - that the *mood* of a film, a very under-discussed concept, is the thing that determines what we'll buy and not buy.)\n", "\n", "They may also be taught to physically alert to and/or lead away from a sound , such as in the case of a fire alarm.\n", "\n", "Russia won't take back refugees who crossed into Norway: Lavrov - \n", "\n", "What Is Got Over The Devil's Back Is Spent Under His Belly\n", "\n", "The origin of the name is uncertain.\n", "\n", "Whale watching is very similar to watching disappointed people on a boat.\n", "\n", "Written by @fishbowel\n", "\n", "Basketball would be more exciting if each team had 1 sword\n", "\n", "Weizsäcker has served on many international commissions.\n", "\n", "Trump's march stirs growing sense of dread among Republicans \n", "\n", "All Lay Load On The Willing Horse\n", "\n", "I, for one, like Roman Numerals\n", "\n", "Today , it is part of the New York State Canal System.\n", "\n", "Vostok 1 was the first human spaceflight.\n", "\n", "I have a long, rich history of putting men I date on pedestals for the smallest of reasons.\n", "\n", "Friday.\n", "\n", "Why Sainsbury's is betting on an Argos takeover: \n", "\n", "One of the most popular early cookies , which traveled especially well and became known on every continent by similar names , was the jumble , a relatively hard cookie made largely from nuts , sweetener , and water.\n", "\n", "[bringing two eggs into the amusement park]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Three tickets for the Scrambler, please.\n", "\n", "NFS , like many other protocols , builds on the Open Network Computing Remote Procedure Call system.\n", "\n", "New Super Mario Bros..\n", "\n", "Why is Pingu's dad always ironing when none of them wear clothes?\n", "\n", "What if legs were like dicks and you could only walk if you were horny\n", "\n", "nick jonas is 5 foot 6 i never want to hear a short man complain again\n", "\n", "This could be bus but you plane\n", "\n", "Goldmark came from a large Jewish family , one of 20 children.\n", "\n", "When I go big-game hunting, my weapon of choice is the remote.\n", "\n", "me: hey what's the wifi password again\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: it's our favorite movie\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [typing] hmm didn't work\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: did you capitalize the n in notebook?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [erasing 'xxx backdoor nurses 19'] oh right\n", "\n", "IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.\n", "\n", "As You Sow, So Shall You Reap\n", "\n", "Go To Bed With The Lamb And Rise With The Lark\n", "\n", "If I ate myself would I be twice as big or disappear completely?\n", "\n", "I'd kill for a Nobel peace prize.\n", "\n", "While an actively loyal French citizen , she never lost her sense of Polish identity.\n", "\n", "Using little plastic dinosaurs and some fishline, I made a scene for my wife's car backup camera.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Now we wait.\n", "\n", "Me: I’d kill for a donut\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Mob boss: you’re hired\n", "\n", "(to the tune of let it be) when i find myself in times of hunger, ninja turtles come to me / order you some pizza, extra cheese\n", "\n", "Why is Def Leppard the best band to listen to while driving? Because you only need one arm to drum along\n", "\n", "Britain pledges extra £1.2 billion for Syria before donor conference \n", "\n", "While running , one man is hit by a boulder and killed.\n", "\n", "U.S. jobless claims fall more than expected: \n", "\n", "Something just occurred to me. Why are all the 'intelligent life' finding sources pointed away from earth?\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the guy with the invisible penis? He came out of nowhere.\n", "\n", "What is a stalker's favorite part of a hospital? The I C U\n", "\n", "Nikkei posts biggest drop in three years as global growth fears hit banks: \n", "\n", "What do you call a gay drive-by? A fruit roll-up\n", "\n", "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.\n", "\n", "French Finance Minister 'deeply believes' UK will remain in Europe \n", "\n", " KPMG withdraws audit opinions on CFTC over accounting error - documents \n", "\n", "Latvian man jailed for petition urging Latvia merger with Russia \n", "\n", "Why are aspirins white? Because they work\n", "\n", "Many Hands Make Light Work\n", "\n", "Why I donate sperm instead of blood? I MAKE lives not save them. And you know, other stuff.\n", "\n", "Me: did I pass?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Driving instructor: *swimming away* no\n", "\n", "Trump: 'Tinge' of sadness over losing Iowa \n", "\n", "What does it take to please an Amish woman? Two Mennonite.\n", "\n", "The two tribes were Ulong and Koror.\n", "\n", "Iraq building security wall around Baghdad: military commander \n", "\n", "me *driving past the apocalypse*: Horses\n", "\n", "[first day as a mechanic]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "guy: are you sure you know what you're doing\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [sheathing tape measure] your car's fucked dude\n", "\n", "Twitter reacts to the death of ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ author Harper Lee: \n", "\n", "Dormant mud volcanoes stand like columns of mud in many other areas.\n", "\n", "Nelson Piquet won the Drivers ' Championship , claiming the first of his three Formula One titles.\n", "\n", "Family of Oregon occupier shot by law enforcement accuses FBI and police of a cover-up: \n", "\n", "[Family get together]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Mom: Has anyone seen grandmas dentures?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me with 64 teeth: Ramma losht hur wat now?\n", "\n", "For this reason , domestic sheep on normal pasture begin to slowly decline from four years on , and the average life expectancy of a sheep is 10 to 12 years , though some sheep may live as long as 20 years.\n", "\n", "Couples who were to be wed on May Day would leap through the flames of the bonfire to seal their vows.\n", "\n", "Omg it’s the 22 one month till my birthday what can I do this year so that it doesn’t end in me feelin lonely and crying\n", "\n", "Poland's Walesa says will defend himself in court against new communist spy allegations \n", "\n", "Asia dips amid smouldering banking sector concerns, yen stands tall \n", "\n", "So his new name , Ultrasauros , is now just an alternate name for the dinosaur officially known as Supersaurus.\n", "\n", "Writing is nature's way of letting you know how sloppy your thinking is.\n", "\n", "NATO-Russia Council not yet possible, Stoltenberg says \n", "\n", "I wish school was as easy as half the girls that go there.\n", "\n", "It is 100% real. This is EXACTLY how he talks. If you Venmo me $250 I can set him up with FaceTime so you guys can chat.\n", "\n", "Do people who get up early every morning to go for a run know about not getting up early every morning to go for a run?\n", "\n", "When discussing mergers it is also wise to think of the long-term , such as the possibility of an article getting too long.\n", "\n", "The signs of a stroke\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Aries: slurred speech\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Taurus: uneven movement\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Gemini: overactive reflex\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Cancer: confusion\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Leo: discordination\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Virgo: Vertigo\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Libra: elevated heart rate\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Scorpio: blurred vision\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Sagittarius: eye twitch\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Capricorn: headache \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Aquarius: numbness\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Pisces: paralysis\n", "\n", "Former Tepco executives indicted over Fukushima nuclear disaster - media \n", "\n", "[teaching proper condom usage]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ok so you put it in your wallet and leave it there for 23 years\n", "\n", "The Camel Going To Seek Horns Lost His Ears\n", "\n", "Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.\n", "\n", "He doesn't just lie down and take abuse.\n", "\n", "The funniest joke in the world isn't recorded. Every time someones tries to write it down, they die of laughter.\n", "\n", "What do Americans do immediately after winning the World Cup? Turn off the Playstation.\n", "\n", "Better Be Alone Than In Bad Company\n", "\n", "One wounded in Turkey as rocket hits house near Syria border: media \n", "\n", "The story begins many years ago in the Cretaceous era when much of England was under the sea.\n", "\n", "Turkish security operations against militants in southeast town complete: interior minister \n", "\n", "Carol Ann from our humans as a resource department says the blood machine started screaming last night in a cursed tongue and no one knows how to shut the dang thing off\n", "\n", "The last time the Brooklyn franchise won a World Championship was in 1900.\n", "\n", "Paul Dukas was born in Paris to a Jewish father and Catholic mother.\n", "\n", "U.S. needs more resources in Europe to counter Russia - NATO commander \n" ] }, { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "\n", " White House says Departments of Homeland Security, Justice to establish task force to counter violent extremism in the U.S.\n", "\n", "“Is your new horse well-behaved Charles?”\r\n", "“Oh, yes Phil. When we come to a fence, he stops and lets me go over first.”\n", "\n", "Please welcome Rosamund Pike to the Wheel of Time family. Say hello to Moiraine. #WoTWednesday\n", "\n", "i made a chart please look\n", "\n", "this fucked me up...\n", "\n", "Ever have a fly land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to hit it with the cursor?\n", "\n", "Colombia's ex-rebel fighters struggle to find jobs, rebuild lives \n", "\n", "Don't read too much into military drills, China says after Taiwan alarm \n", "\n", "[first day as a anti-vaxxer] what if there were a way to be a self-satisfied moralizer AND murder kids\n", "\n", "Thyme retains its flavor on drying better than many other herbs.\n", "\n", "Iran's Rouhani says up to U.S. to improve relations with Tehran: \n", "\n", "Did you hear about how the Police were called to a daycare yesterday? A three-year-old was resisting a rest\n", "\n", "WAITER: what can I get you?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he's having\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*\n", "\n", "A Civil Denial Is Better Than A Rude Grant\n", "\n", "What is Mr T's favourite yoghurt? Petit Filou\n", "\n", "New U.S. single-family home sales race to 10-month high \n", "\n", "North Korea has executed its army chief of staff, according to South Korean media reports. \n", "\n", "DATE: [looking at menu] I don't know if this dish would fill me up\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [being helpful] You aren't supposed to eat the dish, you are supposed to eat the food\n", "\n", "If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.\n", "\n", "Where daylight saving time is used , `` standard time '' may refer to the time without daylight saving time.\n", "\n", "Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.\n", "\n", "Self Done Is Well Done\n", "\n", "Never have unprotected sex with a cannibal. next thing you know, you'll have a baby in the oven.\n", "\n", "Poll shows 40 percent of Germans want Merkel to resign over her refugee policy: \n", "\n", "Groups urge Kerry to work for release of U.S. businessman held in Iran \n", "\n", "Who called it \"playing footsie\" and not \"becoming sole mates\"?\n", "\n", "Creating the English Language \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: So, as far as plurals I was thinking just adding an S at the end of everything.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Total Lunatic: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Thieves\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Knives\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Geese\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MOOSE\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Cacti\n", "\n", "Poverty Is No Sin\n", "\n", "How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?None. They'd rather sit in the dark and suffer.\n", "\n", "y’all. just quit climbing mt everest. it’s over. been done. just stop it.\n", "\n", "Goldman-run funds most popular with Republican candidates, disclosures show \n", "\n", "Verizon enlists AOL CEO to explore Yahoo deal: Bloomberg \n", "\n", "Darth Vader abandoned his infant twins to focus on his murder career. Later he tracked down his son, killed his adopted father figure, chopped off his son’s hand and then offered him a job in the family company...so I highly doubt I’m the worst father in history Karen.\n", "\n", "I’m going to bed with the same number of kids as I had when I woke up. I won parenting for today. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Actually, I better go check\n", "\n", "Hong Kong riot police fire warning shots in bloody street clashes: \n", "\n", "What's Irish and stays out all night? Patio Furniture.\n", "\n", "It’s 2050, you randomly think about a pineapple. Your doorbell rings, it’s an Amazon drone with a pineapple. You begrudgingly accept the pineapple. Behind the first drone you see 30 more drones coming, all with pineapples. “We heard you like pineapples,” they say.\n", "\n", "The sea is a graveyard. Reuters investigates the migration crisis: \n", "\n", "Chemistry jokes are Sodium funny.\n", "\n", "My dad never loved me as a child. I can't blame him really. I wasn't born until he was an adult.\n", "\n", "Probe clears Malaysian PM Najib, says $681 million transfer a Saudi gift \n", "\n", "Markets back on the rack: \n", "\n", "gf: house hunting is so boring\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [unloading crossbow into wall] yeah there's not much of a challenge to it\n", "\n", "Controller of Children 's BBC Richard Deverell said : `` Adventure Rock is a good example of the way we need to go.\n", "\n", "111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321\n", "\n", "Bangladeshi women trafficked to war-torn Syria as sex slaves, maids \n", "\n", "this paper straw tastes like maybe I don’t love baby turtles\n", "\n", "What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Oh sheet!\n", "\n", "Detective: We need to make a chalk outline of the body.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *with chalk*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I. The head\r", "\r", "\r\n", " A. The face\r", "\r", "\r\n", " 1. Eyes\r", "\r", "\r\n", " 2. Nose\r", "\r", "\r\n", " 3. Mouth\r", "\r", "\r\n", " a. Teeth\n", "\n", "Husband: What would it take to get into your pants tonight?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: You could use your powers of suction...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "H: Don’t you mean seduction?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: No, I’d rather you vacuum the living room. So fucken hot.\n", "\n", "If vegetarians love animals so much then why do they keep eating their food?\n", "\n", "His last original published work was in 1965 ; he gave his last interview in 1980.\n", "\n", "My blonde 19 year old next door neighbor has just asked me if I know about missing items from her washing line? I nearly shit her knickers\n", "\n", "What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen. What do you call a woman with one leg laying on the floor? Eileen Dover.\n", "\n", "I got rid of all my old 45s, and that's vinyl.\n", "\n", "The seasons run from spring to fall.\n", "\n", "The females give birth to live young.\n", "\n", "So here’s a funny thing...y’all charged at Telecharge so hard (I love you so much) that it overloaded and started sending people to a Hamilton tickets queue (!)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "(We warned them. We always warn them)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Anyway hang in there, it should be all good now! #FLSBroadway\n", "\n", "Justice secretary Michael Gove to push for Brexit - BBC \n", "\n", "It has a central park and many historic buildings , including old houses near the railway station on Sloane Street and two 19th-century cathedrals.\n", "\n", "me: pass the salt\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*the salt is slid to me*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: and the peppa\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*peppa pig's head is slid to me on a silver platter*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *shaking salt* and now we feast\n", "\n", "Seven countries call for EU action to help steel industry \n", "\n", "I thought I wanted a career, turns out, I just wanted a paycheck.\n", "\n", "[second day as traffic reporter]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: it seems people still don’t enjoy traffic Jennifer back to you\n", "\n", "Here's a bit of advice for you. Advi.\n", "\n", "Teacher: A person who helps you solve problems you wouldn't have without them.\n", "\n", "What happens to lawyers after they die? They lie still.\n", "\n", "a fun thing to do is eat a weed chocolate then race against the clock to get through your to-do list before you become a useless sack of shit like cinderella trying to get home before her carriage goes pumpkin\n", "\n", "inventor: you rub it in your hair. it's called shamshit\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "board member: ok the name needs work\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "inventor: shampoo\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "board member: oh my god we're gonna make so much fucking money\n", "\n", "Huge cyclone leaves trail of destruction in Fiji \n", "\n", "Egg poach\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Egg plant false evidence\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Egg play shell game\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Egg bad egg\n", "\n", "U know how In a box of chocolates there's always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. \"Put a gross one in there\" I said\n", "\n", "hi guys! i have a big favor to ask, which is very hard for me to do. please check out my GoFundMe page and help if you’re able/share if you can.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-pony&rcid=r01-155820120917-20c317369a9b45f8&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_m …\n", "\n", "I don't know whats more awkward. answering Dora, or sitting in silence as she stares at you.\n", "\n", "The first single was `` Hidin ' from Love '' in 1980 which was followed up by `` Give Me Your Love '' and `` Remember ''.\n", "\n", "My therapist just diagnosed me as having ten Smith's songs trapped in my aura.\n", "\n", "A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.\n", "\n", "Hong Kong riot police fire warning shots in clash with street vendors \n", "\n", "Three police killed in Pakistan attack, Islamic State suspected \n", "\n", "The big bosses of the town know that he 's back ... A lot of bad things start happening . ''\n", "\n", "Where do senior citizens often go to the restroom? Depends\n", "\n", "What's the definition of a snail?A slug with a crash helmet.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the House-Senate conference committe considering legislation to decriminalize the use of marijuana? It's called the Joint Session of Congress.\n", "\n", "Cranston is credited by many with bringing a new level of artistry to men 's figure skating.\n", "\n", "Wall St. opens higher after Yellen comments: \n", "\n", "My doctor said my constant diarrhea was a problem caused by genetics. It runs in my genes.\n", "\n", "[mid to late 13th century]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] \"everybody listen up this is a robbery\"\n", "\n", "In later life , Leonardo only recorded two childhood incidents.\n", "\n", "Bergalicious definition make that ice go floato\r", "\r", "\r\n", "They want my waters, so they try some spotters from their boato\r", "\r", "\r\n", "they can't see me when they speedy\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I ain't easy but I'm freezy\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I got reasons why I sink em\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Ships just come and go like seasons\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bergalicious \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Titanic: It's not hot hot\n", "\n", "Little is known of Joseph Johns 's early life . Born in Cornwall , England around 1826 and raised as a Roman Catholic , he was the third of six children of blacksmith Thomas Johns and his wife Mary.\n", "\n", "Watch the prison break in Brazil caught on tape. \n", "\n", "Proud of how healthy I’ve been eating!\n", "\n", "What do you call a man in a slow-cooker? Stu.\n", "\n", "Soon afterwards a new marketplace was opened , as well as St. Peter 's and Paul 's hospital and gymnasium.\n", "\n", "Lucario thinks of Sir Aaron as both his master and close friend.\n", "\n", "She lives in New York City with her husband and two daughters.\n", "\n", "Did you know drinking beer makes you smart? It made Bud wiser.\n", "\n", "ME *traps wasp under a cup*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: no\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*\n", "\n", "When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend. It turns out it was just my imaginasian\n", "\n", "My body is a temple.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My mind is a circus.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My car is a trash compactor.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My apartment is a frat house.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I could do this all day.\n", "\n", "Wattles have been extensively introduced into New Zealand and are regarded by many New Zealanders as one of the most typical features of their home landscape.\n", "\n", "Better Early Than Late\n", "\n", "Colorado woman convicted of cutting fetus from stranger's womb \n", "\n", "9 am: I’m tired \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "12 am: I’m tired \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "1 pm: I’m tired \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "6 pm: I’m tired \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "9 pm: tired \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "11 pm: let’s check twitter before bed \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "4 am: fuck\n", "\n", "whorecruxes\n", "\n", "Wise men don't need advice. Fools won't take it.\n", "\n", "The only thing longer than my honey-do list is my honey-don't list.\n", "\n", "Tried to spice up my sex life by dipping my dong in caramel & rolling it in peanuts like a Payday bar, but I was attacked by birds, had to go the hospital, and am no longer welcome at PetSmart.\n", "\n", "snail: ive renovated my home :)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: nice decorations\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "snail: thank :)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: is that a cigarette?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "snail: that is my lamp :)\n", "\n", "Pentagon to submit plan to Congress for closing Guantanamo prison \n", "\n", "HER: \"I love animals, they're the best companions, they never fight with you.\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: \"Yeah but they'll bite you. Have you ever heard of humans biting!?\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MIKE TYSON: \"Yeth\"\n", "\n", "Colombia's ELN rebels declare 72-hour lockdown \n", "\n", "Two killed, several injured in Florida storms \n", "\n", "It allows the true brightnesses of objects to be compared without regard to distance.\n", "\n", "me: who is the teletubby whose boner had to be blurred out when it popped out of his furry trousers in season 3\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "alex trebek: I haven’t even read the card yet\n", "\n", "I've been diagnosed with agoraphobia. Get in!\n", "\n", "Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce? He was making up for lost thyme. \n", "\n", "everyone laughing because my smart watch keeps buzzing: haha\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "friend giving my eulogy: alright let’s stop texting him\n", "\n", "I'm having a bit of car trouble...mainly because I can't afford to put gas in it.\n", "\n", "I always put the shopping carts back at the grocery store. I want the single moms to know I’m one of the good guys just in case I’m ever back on the market.\n", "\n", "Potoroos live under dense bushes and shrubs.\n", "\n", "If you ever get attacked by a circus, go for the juggler.\n", "\n", "A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, \"Why the long face?\" The horse does not respond because it is a horse.\n", "\n", "In May 2000 , he later had surgery to repair a leaking heart valve , and was forced to take a three month break from Parliament , with Deputy First Minister , Jim Wallace taking over as Acting First Minister ..\n", "\n", "I was gonna go hiking in the hills with my mate Max, but he refused to go. He's a real anti-climb Max.\n", "\n", "Fish And Company Stink In Three Days\n", "\n", "Why can't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box.\n", "\n", "This is why I watch let's plays. Someone else can be entertained for me\n", "\n", "What do Iron man and Sarah Palin have in common? They both had a little Downey inside of them.\n", "\n", "Open or anonymising proxies , including Tor , may be blocked from editing for any period at any time.\n", "\n", "I used to be a bodybuilder..or 'The Dr Frankenstein Grave Robber' as the press preferred to call me.\n", "\n", " One person killed as gunshots resume at Burkina hotel, medical personnel taking wounded away from scene\n", "\n", "I'm sick of people lying to me. I asked three people what time it was and they all said something different.\n", "\n", "U.N. delays vote on tough new North Korea sanctions at Russia's request: \n", "\n", "Reformist gains in Iran elections clear way for business boom \n", "\n", "No Living Man All Things Can\n", "\n", "Tickling: Like being raped, but you're forced to laugh.\n", "\n", "FTSE flops as banks and miners fall: \n", "\n", "How can you tell the Indians were here in America first? They had reservations.\n", "\n", "Romanian PM dismisses tax chiefs over EU funds fraud inquiry \n", "\n", "Making another Facebook profile called Ahontas and have people poke me.\n", "\n", "They are often included as utilities on many live CD distributions to make partitioning easier.\n", "\n", "the Office Depot is good but i still prefer the British Office Depot\n", "\n", "Slovak PM says to protect border with Austria \n", "\n", "Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.\n", "\n", "My friend did the same.\n", "\n", "Hence , Obelix was born.\n", "\n", "My Netflix prank show idea:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Women agreeing to meet up with the guys that send them unsolicited dick pics, but when the guy arrives, its actually their mother waiting for them.\n", "\n", "The Glossy-mantled Manucode , Manucodia ater , is a medium-sized , around 42 cm long , glossed green , blue and purple black bird of paradise with a red iris , black bill , long graduated tail and somewhat elongated upper breast and neck feathers.\n", "\n", "Al Qaeda militants seize southern Yemeni town: residents \n", "\n", "I’ve heard of pre-marriage counseling but I really feel like we should go in for a tune up before we pack this car for vacation.\n", "\n", "China confirms its first imported Zika case: Xinhua news agency. \n", "\n", "Some roller coasters , notably Wild Mouse roller coasters , run with single cars.\n", "\n", "Did you see that Sargento Cheese is going to stop selling shredded cheese? They're trying to make America grate again\n", "\n", "Afterwards , for some time Hassan and Amir keep a distance from each other.\n", "\n", "U.S. oil falls on China economic woes, rising OPEC supply \n", "\n", "drank a Bang Energy and a White Claw and now I'm the fourth Powerpuff girl\n", "\n", "Ted Cruz has asked for communications director to resign: media \n", "\n", "Russia has yet to fully implement Minsk deal on Ukraine: NATO official \n", "\n", "when you get promoted at subway\n", "\n", "Hercules being tasked with kidnapping Cerberus was the original triple dog dare\n", "\n", "Investigator asks U.N. to notify Kim Jong Un of possible probe for crimes against humanity: \n", "\n", "Ukrainian president suggests PM should resign: statement \n", "\n", "Ethnic rebels' show of force highlights Suu Kyi's peace challenge \n", "\n", "I'm really pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got eight fridges.\n", "\n", "A secret square, a vicious circle and a love triangle walk into a bar.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bartender: ”You guys are in no shape to drive.”\n", "\n", "Every Dog Is A Lion At Home\n", "\n", "Two years ago I asked my dream girl on a date. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no on both occasions.\n", "\n", "300-up Messi makes history as Barca open big lead \n", "\n", "Beer doesn't make you FAT, it makes you LEAN....Against walls, tables, chairs, floors, and ugly people.\n", "\n", "NOW THROUGH\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " SUNDAY!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SUNDAY!\r", "\r", "\r\n", " SUNDAY!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "VISIT YOUR LOCAL TOYOTA DEALER TO FIGHT A WALRUS IN OUR\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " HALLWAY!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HALLWAY!\r", "\r", "\r\n", " HALLWAY!\n", "\n", "On the other hand , a man wearing a white hat who appears in the Last Judgement at Padua is also said to be a portrait of Giotto.\n", "\n", "\"Two Mexicans walk into a bar. One of them goes \"Dios Mio that bar hurt!\"\n", "\n", "My mother-in-law wore a wedding dress to my wedding. So, yeah, top that one, Twitter. #weddingfail @jimmyfallon\n", "\n", "A book fell on Sean Connery's head. He replies \"I only have my shelf to blame\".\n", "\n", "If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0\n", "\n", "Russian prosecutor demands 23 years in jail for female Ukrainian pilot \n", "\n", "Every town has a house kids swear is haunted. The most dangerous season in real estate is the time after such a house burns down. Because kid law demands there be a ghost house. It could be any home. It doesn't have to look creepy now. That’ll come on its own, after the choosing.\n", "\n", "'Project Panic' rather than love may keep Britain in EU \n", "\n", " California gas leak spotlights shoddy regulation of aging storage wells: \n", "\n", "What did the shetland pony say when he had a sore throat? Sorry. I'm a little horse.\n", "\n", "Suffering from anxiety or depression?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Try new Cheer Up™\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Solve ALL your problems with ease by\r", "\r", "\r\n", "𝓒𝓱𝓮𝓮𝓻𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓤𝓹!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "And now introducing NEW Cheer Up™ for WOMEN: Calm Down™\n", "\n", "Hampden is one of only two Scottish football stadiums to receive a UEFA 5-star rating.\n", "\n", "I just read about a dwarf being pick pocketed in the news. How could someone stoop so low!\n", "\n", "U.N. urges Pakistan to resolve Afghan refugees' status \n", "\n", "Big Bird , like many of the other Sesame Street characters , is a Muppet character.\n", "\n", "The Voice Of One Man Is The Voice Of No One\n", "\n", "I've been sleeping with my girlfriend and her twin, but luckily I can tell them apart. Her brother has a moustache.\n", "\n", "What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!\n", "\n", "`` Won't Go Home Without You '' is the third single released from Maroon 5 's second album , It Won't Be Soon Before Long.\n", "\n", "Coworker: *crying* I had to put my cat to sleep.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Why are you crying? Cats love to sleep.\n", "\n", "ME: so what are we now, like, friends with benefits?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HR MANAGER: really more an employer/employee relationship, but yes, we provide full benefits\n", "\n", "In 907 Herisau is mentioned for the first time , the canton is named first in 1071.\n", "\n", "Anti vaxxers: you can’t just go around vaccinating people without their consent\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Flat earthers: Across. You can’t just go across.\n", "\n", "I ran out of sick days, so now I call in dead.\n", "\n", "I used to be a plastic surgeon. That raised a few eyebrows.\n", "\n", "Flat earthers My parents\r", "\r", "\r\n", "sailing during their \r", "\r", "\r\n", " divorce\r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " It's not the end of the world\n", "\n", "okay Mr. Vesuvius, how can we get you to volca-yes?\n", "\n", "science defines a baby as \"a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp\"\n", "\n", "boss: can we talk about the company-wide email you sent out\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: it was a critical update\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "boss: it just says \"i'm back on my bullshit\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: people need to know\n", "\n", "Still can't believe my mate died last week. He overdosed on Viagra. His wife took it really hard.\n", "\n", "The Full Moon Party is an all-night beach party that takes place in Haad Rin on the island of Ko Pha Ngan , Thailand on the night of every full moon.\n", "\n", "My wife stood in front of the mirror:\"I'm massive\" she moaned. \"Will you help me?\" \"Of course,\" I said, as I moved the mirror further away.\n", "\n", "Creditors Have Better Memories Than Debtors\n", "\n", "They may be cooked on the stovetop , or in a slow cooker.\n", "\n", "Fortune Favours The Brave (The Bold)\n", "\n", "to catch a cab, you must think like a cab\n", "\n", "My mates laughed at me because my girlfriend is imaginary... Jokes on them, they are too!\n", "\n", "Keep your friends close, and let your enemies move in together.\n", "\n", "Watching Jeopardy backward is like seeing 3 panelists ask questions where Trebek always gets them right\n", "\n", "asked to leave the gas station again because I’m not buying any. I’m just browsing the pumps looking at the gas\n", "\n", "[Nature documentary]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Narrator: The average penguin typically reaches one metre in height.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: SHEILA! Remember that penguin we hit outside the convent?\n", "\n", "Provides an easy way to cite Geographic Names Information System data.\n", "\n", "Migrants storm French port of Calais and board British ferry \n", "\n", "Friend: try this. It tastes terrible \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, who dislikes myself: ok\n", "\n", "MORE: U.S. medevac helicopter responding to wounded U.S. Special Forces down in Afghanistan: report \n", "\n", "To do:\r\n", "1) Dig a hole\r\n", "2) Name it love\r\n", "3) Watch people fall in it\n", "\n", "Let Bygones Be Bygones\n", "\n", "Why did the 14 year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.\n", "\n", "The mills have now all closed . Today Swizzels Matlow , who make children 's sweets , is a large employer.\n", "\n", "Take my advice, do not take my advice.\n", "\n", "Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job\n", "\n", "See the full selection of licensing templates available.\n", "\n", "Bourke 's account was from an interview with Crazy Horse 's relative and rival , Little Big Man , who was present at Crazy Horse 's arrest and wounding . The interview took place over a year after Crazy Horse 's death.\n", "\n", "When can't a pen write out a check? When it's broke. \n", "\n", "Where would Voldemort go if he played the trumpet? Jazzkaban.\n", "\n", " Billionaire activist Steyer says not yet ready to back Clinton, open to Sanders. \n", "\n", "Some of the topics include packing , the discovery of long-lost treasures , giving things away , and doing things one last time.\n", "\n", "- What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires\n", "\n", "Bavarian leader defends planned visit to Putin in Moscow \n", "\n", "Eating Triscuits always feels like I'm chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.\n", "\n", "See List of compositions by Germaine Tailleferre.\n", "\n", "I once encountered a bear in the woods and accidentally played Dad instead of dead. Now it can ride a bike without stabilisers.\n", "\n", "The earliest dinner reservations we could get tonight was 9pm and my husband suggested we go get cheeseburgers around 6 to hold us over during this difficult time.\n", "\n", "Men don't care whats on tv. They care what else is on tv.\n", "\n", "Baseball uniforms were first worn by the New York Knickerbockers Baseball Club in 1849.\n", "\n", "Clinton, Sanders take new combative tone into first one-on-one debate \n", "\n", "Where does Sean Connery shit? On any chair he finds.\n", "\n", "The name RPM refers to two things : a software package file format , and software packaged in this format.\n", "\n", "More than 1,200 boat migrants rescued off Libya on Tuesday: Italian coast guard. \n", "\n", "So many cheeses would work as baby names: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Brie\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Asiago\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Monterrey Jack \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Goat\n", "\n", "I hope to age like a fine wine: alone in my house.\n", "\n", "Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man...could you help m-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I have a grandma.\n", "\n", "In fact , the last three presidents were previously officials in the Swiss government.\n", "\n", "Thirst for coffee sparks supply worries. Watch: \n", "\n", "VIDEO. The Exchange: Garry Kasparov forecasts bloody regime change in Russia. Watch - \n", "\n", "Distressed freighter off French coast towed to Bilbao \n", "\n", "[marriage counseling]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "We just don't see eye to eye\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN\n", "\n", "?\n", "\n", "Thought I could hear onions in the fridge singing beegees songs... Turned out it was the chives talking\n", "\n", "Obama visits mosque, declares attacks on Islam are attacks on all faiths. \n", "\n", "Always remember what my late Grandad said to me. 'Sorry I'm late'\n", "\n", "Finally, a sportswear company that really gets me.\n", "\n", "Did you hear a Payless Shoe Source got looted in Ferguson? The only thing left were the work boots.\n", "\n", "After two years away from television , the Boosh returned in November 2007.\n", "\n", "The first two conventions used German , and the last conference used only Volapük.\n", "\n", "Wow, I'm approaching 100k followers. You guys remember the pact: when I hit 100k we invade Canada. You signed up for this.\n", "\n", "At the end of the Purim story , Haman is hanged.\n", "\n", "thank you ikea for this extremely powerful $15,000 couch\n", "\n", "An adult hagfish can secrete enough slime to turn a 20 litre bucket of water into slime in a matter of minutes.\n", "\n", "Since the discovery of his `` Letter to the Alexandrians '' in the last century , much work has been done to rehabilitate Claudius and determine where the truth lies.\n", "\n", "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.\n", "\n", "What do you call a nose with no body? Nobody nose. \n", "\n", "Germany wants extension of Schengen border controls: paper \n", "\n", "Made an unexpected friend while working Instacart today\n", "\n", "Because of this , they are commonly used as guide dogs , mobility assistance dogs , and search and rescue dogs.\n", "\n", "It is one of the five rivers which gives the Punjab region its name.\n", "\n", "Money isn't everything. You're credit is, however.\n", "\n", "It was first documented in 1400.\n", "\n", "Kampen has one of the best preserved old town centres of the Netherlands.\n", "\n", "Edward I of England required that every town have one.\n", "\n", "[bernie sanders voice] eighty percent of the ARMS, in this FIGHT, belong to docta octopus\n", "\n", "Christmas Comes But Once A Year, (But When It Comes It Brings Good Cheer)\n", "\n", "French data privacy regulator cracks down on Facebook \n", "\n", "me: [dead in the morgue] *one leg sticking out of bodybag*\n", "\n", "The picture on your lockscreen is the modern version of a picture in a locket. That's why I wear my phone on a gold chain around my neck\n", "\n", "For cats in general , see.\n", "\n", "Coming before the crowd one last time , Pilate declares Jesus innocent , washing his own hands in water to show he has no part in this condemnation.\n", "\n", "Medusa: oi, what are you looking at?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: anything but you\n", "\n", "the top of the \"t\" in \"hat\" is there as an example\n", "\n", "Whoever said the best things in life are free clearly never ate prison food. 0/5 stars, would not recommend*.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*according to a friend…\n", "\n", "Why did the tomato blush?Because it saw the salad dressing!\n", "\n", "i dont want a boyfriend i want free clothes and normal brain chemistry\n", "\n", "What's blue and looks like a bucket? A blue bucket. What's red and looks like a bucket? A blue bucket in disguise.\n", "\n", "To Err is Human, to Arrr is Pirate!\n", "\n", "What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, Inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked? A seatbelt.\n", "\n", "Einstein's gravitational waves detected in landmark discovery \n", "\n", "Use to get `` U.S. '' will give `` U.S. '' if spelling is set to US & `` US '' otherwise\n", "\n", "Austria says migrant flow to be slowed 'step by step': report \n", "\n", "Democratic race gets angry: Elections 2016 \n", "\n", "Tent city on Greek border grows as migrant stalemate persists \n", "\n", "Suicide bombing in Afghan capital, near Russian embassy: police. \n", "\n", "I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.\n", "\n", "Argentine investigator says Nisman death points to murder \n", "\n", "He was caught the next day , but while on the run he had killed the horse and cut his brand out of the hide , thus destroying the evidence.\n", "\n", "Germany offers Afghanistan help to take back migrants \n", "\n", "The name sometimes appears as Vitidaceae , but Vitaceae is a conserved name and therefore has priority over both Vitidaceae and another name sometimes found in the older literature , Ampelidaceae.\n", "\n", "ME: *Hugging Mother Nature* Sorry about destroying you\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MOTHER NATURE: Lol I'll be fine, you're the ones that will die\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Oh yeah\n", "\n", "Before One Can Say Jack Robinson\n", "\n", "Asian shares surrender gains as oil prices retreat \n", "\n", "He has two adult children from his first marriage to Patricia Derwinski , Maureen and Michael.\n", "\n", "Paris police shoot dead knife-wielding man - police sources: \n", "\n", "'National security' related arrest made in Sacramento: official \n", "\n", "Scratch My Back And I'll Scratch Yours\n", "\n", "Traditional raised beds promote good drainage.\n", "\n", "what’s that thing called where you eat a lot of spaghetti and then eat more because i have that.\n", "\n", "I won’t be taking questions.\n", "\n", "I MUSTACHE you a question, but I'll SHAVE it for later.\n", "\n", "What activity do 3 out of 4 people call a good time? Gang rape.\n", "\n", "The new line-up released Badmotorfinger in 1991.\n", "\n", "EU needs detention and removal centre for migrants - official \n", "\n", "UK carmakers benefit from Brexit jitters, but most urge staying in EU \n", "\n", "And it is impossible for a man of many trades to do all of them well.\n", "\n", "Tourist sport fishermen and vacationers are free to fish in the lake as long as they don't use nets.\n", "\n", "Me: *first day as CEO of Netflix* Let's stop making Adam Sandler films.\n", "\n", "Is this your 1st time at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *eating donuts* Yeah, why?\n", "\n", "I also have another cartoon in the current issue\n", "\n", "Answering Machine: \"Hi! I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message. If I don't call back, it's you.\"\n", "\n", "Get in loser. It’s a perfect night for star gazing, blasting the music, and perhaps starting a new life somewhere else.\n", "\n", "What do you call a Mexican Midget? A paragraph, because they're too short to be an essay.\n", "\n", "Yes, Janice, I'm using pizza rolls as salad croutons. Get off my back.\n", "\n", "poly couples in LA be like “we’re married but maybe you’re the sexy little unicorn we’ve been waiting for to go exploring bodies with we’re also looking to start a writers group”\n", "\n", "What's blue and comes in pints? A Whale.\n", "\n", "Why can't T-Rex clap its hands? Because they're extinct.\n", "\n", "Being insoluble in water , they can be purified by washing away the associated starch.\n", "\n", "A saddle , regardless of type , must fit both horse and rider.\n", "\n", "U.S. aircraft hit Islamic State militants in Libya, more than 40 dead\n", "\n", "I am so jealous of my parents because there is no way I'll get a kid as cool as theirs.\n", "\n", "Archival film footage of New Westminster 's May Day celebrations from 1932-1962 can be seen online at Quest for the Queens.\n", "\n", "There IS intelligent life in the universe. It ignores us.\n", "\n", "\"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found at all corners of the earth. Then he made the world round and laughed..\"\n", "\n", "Me: I don’t like sexual innuendo.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Also me: I like sex u in u end tho lol\n", "\n", "Aristide has behind-the-scenes role in Haiti's new crisis \n", "\n", "Why do sorority girls walk in odd-numbered packs? Because they can't even.\n", "\n", "Lorenz does not see human independence from natural ecological processes as necessarily bad.\n", "\n", "Where do atheists donate their money? Non Prophet Organizations\n", "\n", "Who called it Instant Pot and not Speed Weed\n", "\n", "What's black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron. \n", "\n", "Why did the joke about the roof get no laughs? It went over their heads.\n", "\n", "When I was a teen my mom got mad at me because she thought I popped my screen to sneak out and hook up with boys. You guys, I was just sneaking my cat into the house. Wild stuff.\n", "\n", "See List of heritage railways.\n", "\n", "His second marriage only lasted two years.\n", "\n", "Anti-immigrant 'Soldiers of Odin' expand from Finland to Nordics, Baltics: \n", "\n", "New Lords, New Laws\n", "\n", "\"You're like a coin.\" ... \r\n", "\"Awwww, valuable?\" ... \r\n", "\"Nope, two faced\"\n", "\n", "British rock band Viola Beach reported killed in car crash in Sweden \n", "\n", "When a powerful entity is trying to grow a system of human rights abuse (which is what this is) it’s on ALL of us, from smallest to biggest, to throw sand in the gears and stop it.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "We cannot be compliant with child abuse. These judges are astounded at the argument for it \n", "\n", "Reasons why it doesn't matter that the people held in concentration camps at the border \"broke the law\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "1. They're human beings\r", "\r", "\r\n", "2. They're human beings\r", "\r", "\r\n", "3. They have had no trial, are not convicted of any crimes\r", "\r", "\r\n", "4. Even if they were, this would still be considered cruel, unusual\n", "\n", "A minimum spanning tree or minimum weight spanning tree is then a spanning tree with weight less than or equal to the weight of every other spanning tree.\n", "\n", "Syrian army, allies advance against Islamic State in eastern Aleppo - reports \n", "\n", "Me: Why do I feel a constant, low-grade panic? It’s like my blood is carbonated. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Also me: Yum yum let’s turn on twitter and see who’s yellin\n", "\n", "Doctor: now whatever you write on the birth certificate will be the child’s name\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: wait, that wasn’t just a piece of doodle paper?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: what?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Big veiny penis: *crying*\n", "\n", "On the campaign trail will Bill, it's all about Hillary \n", "\n", "Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.\n", "\n", "ME: [presses play on an HBO show]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HBO: Here are ads for a bunch of new shows that we’ll cancel after 2 seasons\n", "\n", "This makes it acceptable to many Arians and Unitarians.\n", "\n", "Gillespie had two funerals.\n", "\n", "This subtemplate is supposed to be empty.\n", "\n", "House opens inquiry into whether government doing enough to protect drug-dependent babies: \n", "\n", "Rouhani shows determination to end embassy attacks in Iran \n", "\n", "1yo has just learned how to say, “Quack.” \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Except she can’t say it quite right and is walking around the house saying, “Fack! Fack!”\n", "\n", "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.\n", "\n", "EU's Tusk confident of EU deal for Britain next week \n", "\n", "A baby seal walks into a club...\n", "\n", "Where does Kylie Minogue get her kebabs from? Jason's Donner Van\n", "\n", "Most of the new wind capacity added in the last two years has been in the Abilene-Sweetwater area.\n", "\n", "'How would you like your eggs?' the waiter asked. \"Sunny-side up, please\" I requested. \"Madam?\" he asked my wife. \"In a big cake,\" she wheezed.\n", "\n", "Dad: it’s time we had “the talk”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: oh, I already know about dancing the forbidden polka \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: the what? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: ya know, boppin’ squiddles??\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: excuse me \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: slaying the vadragon??\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: what?!?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: disappointing the wife \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: oh sex, right\n", "\n", "Seven candidates qualify for Thursday's main presidential debate \n", "\n", "They say the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So I poke the mrs and say put the kettle on fatty.\n", "\n", "[invention of stripper pole]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "FIREFIGHTER: *slides down pole*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "OTHER FIREFIGHTER: Damn Larry you’re just gonna have all that ass?\n", "\n", "friend: bet you can’t go the entire party without talking about it\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: deal\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[me 35 minutes at the party] I think tv picture quality has gotten too good\n", "\n", "Why are all Jewish men circumcized? Because Jewish women go crazy over anything 20% off.\n", "\n", "When all the earth 's fire begins to go out , Hercules and Deianeira must go in search for fire to stop the world from cold.\n", "\n", "Iraqi Kurdish leader calls for non-binding independence referendum \n", "\n", "What do you say to God when he sneezes?\n", "\n", "China promises economic stability as G20, parliament loom \n", "\n", "It is approximately half way between Sydney and Wollongong , at the southern end of the Royal National Park.\n", "\n", "these moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain *bites into chili dog*\n", "\n", "It Is Enough To Make A Cat Laugh\n", "\n", "Russia says Litvinenko inquiry will hurt ties with Britain: \n", "\n", "If winning isn't everything, why do we keep score?\n", "\n", "Karen is not a name. It’s a rank you earn... that’s why you’ve never seen a baby named Karen.\n", "\n", "This process takes place over many generations , and is one of the basic phenomena of biology.\n", "\n", "However , the storm passed well to the south with little effect.\n", "\n", "Somalia's al Shabaab say behind airline blast \n", "\n", "These features are available to both silver and gold members on Xbox Live.\n", "\n", "Osama's last tweet: \"I didn't know Twitter could enable your location, this may be a problem\"\n", "\n", "My 8-year-old asked for long socks for his birthday so he’s either turning 9 or 90.\n", "\n", "Its belly and soles are cream-colored , while their eyes are light blue in color.\n", "\n", "My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.\n", "\n", "What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You done told her twice.\n", "\n", "Care must be taken not to name a universal template with a name that would be an awkward or peculiar word in the other languages.\n", "\n", "To Throw Dust In Somebody's Eyes\n", "\n", "Me: One nice thing about being the last human on earth is that I can fart openly\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Chris Hemsworth: *bursting through the door* Hallelujah I found someon—oh god\n", "\n", "The center of this cult was in uten-ha/Sa-ka / Cynopolis , a place whose Greek name simply means `` city of dogs ''.\n", "\n", "Spy agencies say Clinton emails closely matched top secret documents: sources \n", "\n", "Best gender reveal ever\n", "\n", "What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.\n", "\n", "One of three escaped California inmates captured: local media \n", "\n", "Started moving. Related note: decided to be a minimalist.\n", "\n", "Vast winter storm targets East Coast; hundreds of flights canceled \n", "\n", "He is known as a good friend of Kofi Annan.\n", "\n", "Troops were nicknamed the Long hair.\n", "\n", "Today , the Comanche Nation consists of 14,105 members , about half of whom live in Oklahoma , and the remainder are concentrated in Texas , California , and New Mexico.\n", "\n", "The police are waiting outside , and Killer Kane goes back to prison forever.\n", "\n", "Blatter disappointed soccer ban upheld by FIFA appeal body - paper: \n", "\n", "This track received two nominations at the Grammy Awards of 1992 for Best Rock Song and Best Rock Performance , Solo , winning none.\n", "\n", "sure sex is great and all but have you ever put ketchup on scrambled eggs\n", "\n", "I don't always know how to use certain terms correctly, per se\n", "\n", "I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.\n", "\n", "Frequent ejaculation through masturbation from an early age fosters frequent ejaculation well into adulthood.\n", "\n", "Mexican and Black jokes are all the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.\n", "\n", "If my friend asks me to keep a secret, and says, \"Don't tell a soul,\" can I still tell my ginger friend?\n", "\n", "One does not talk to the telephone ; rather the telephone is a way to interact with another person.\n", "\n", "Cambridge is best known as the home of the University of Cambridge , one of the world 's premier universities.\n", "\n", "Jonathan Ross was arrested this morning for stealing kitchen utensils. He said it was a whisk worth taking.\n", "\n", "Australia seeks regional terrorism cooperation after Jakarta attack \n", "\n", "Released on 24 May 2004 , it was Bloc Party 's first V2 Records EP.\n", "\n", "people say Jordan Peterson is a \"spiritual leader\" but Agatha Christie wrote some fifty books about sin, death and judgment, sold two billion copies AND faked her own death. a legend.\n", "\n", "Tastes Differ\n", "\n", "On my recent visit to the seaside I spent ages trying to figure out how to use the arcade machine. Then the penny dropped.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about those new corduroy pillowcases? They're making headlines..\n", "\n", "dr: you’re blood pressure is 69/420\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: haha nice \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dr: no you’re dying \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *passing out* ...nice...\n", "\n", "Please take your endless energy and go away.\n", "\n", "If a deaf person swears, does their mom wash their hands with soap?\n", "\n", "Big turnout as Iran votes to shape post-sanctions era \n", "\n", "My Mrs has recently started eating sofas, it's weird... But then again she's always had a suite tooth.\n", "\n", "i would APPRECIATE IT of you could respond IMMEDIATELY to the email I was three weeks late in sending you, it's called politeness look it up\n", "\n", "Zeus makes several appearances on the show , even saving his son 's life and restoring his superhuman strength on one occasion when he needs it the most.\n", "\n", "Look at this guy smash his own nuts by crossing his legs.\n", "\n", "Taiwan quake kills at least 11, fells apartment block \n", "\n", "UK supermarket Asda sees volatile sales in 2016 \n", "\n", "In 1505 Michelangelo was invited back to Rome by the newly elected Pope Julius II.\n", "\n", "Crashed my dads new car into a lemon tree! He's still bitter about it\n", "\n", "Towards the end of the American tour I felt like I could still kinda sing , but I wasn't really giving the band a fair shake.\n", "\n", "U.S. appeals court declines to block Obama carbon emissions plan: \n", "\n", "Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.\n", "\n", "me: I need a sick note for work \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "doctor: ok, I'll do it graffiti style\n", "\n", "Very little is known about the habits of this unusual mouse.\n", "\n", "I woke up with a face full of rice. I must've fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pilau.\n", "\n", "This was Elijah 's first encounter with Jezebel , and not the last.\n", "\n", "A cop pulled over a Rabbi on Yom Kippur and said \"hey you were speeding\". The Rabbi replied \"no, I'm fasting\".\n", "\n", "Magnitude 6.1 earthquake jolts central China \n", "\n", "Went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a loaf of bread. The birds were all over me.\n", "\n", "Alfa Romeo could enter own F1 team, says Marchionne \n", "\n", "This guy once told me you're never more than 10 ft away from a rat. Suspicious looking chap. Pointy face. Long tail\n", "\n", "What do fat girls and bricks have in common? They both get laid by Mexicans.\n", "\n", "EU banking watchdog launches stress test no bank can fail \n", "\n", "Outside my local school, the kids were selling chocolate to raise money for eczema awareness, so I bought a flake.\n", "\n", "The `` Tn '' name is short for Template name.\n", "\n", "Some guy said to me 'why are you carrying a 9ft book?' I said 'Its a long story'\n", "\n", "Desperate Diseases Must Have Desperate Remedies\n", "\n", "[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*sawing person in half*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*\n", "\n", "Mexico 'affluenza' teen drops bid to block extradition to U.S.: judicial source \n", "\n", "Many aquatic and some terrestrial plant species use hydrochory , or seed dispersal through water.\n", "\n", " He’s a paniac, paniac at the disco \r", "\r", "\r\n", "And he’s panicking like he’s never panicked before\n", "\n", " Four Americans in Bahrain have been released: lawyer\n", "\n", "U.N. migration chief says Angela Merkel is a hero \n", "\n", "i crash my car and hundreds of clean underwear spill from the glove box encircling me and keeping me from harm\n", "\n", "What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never paid $300 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.\n", "\n", "As Plain As The Nose On A Man's Face\n", "\n", "ahead of pride month Trump’s administration put a ban on embassy’s flying pride flags. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "so as of today, I am now the owner of Hell, Michigan. I bought the whole town. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "And my first act as owner, I have renamed my town to Gay Hell, MI. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "The only flags allowed to fly are pride.\n", "\n", "my nephew opens a door in my mansion labelled ‘tweet drafts” and i run to block his view but it’s too late. he’s seen the room and all it has is a chalkboard with ‘jon bon voyage’ written on it for when bon jovi dies\n", "\n", "What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head? \"I have only my shelf to blame\"\n", "\n", "The origin of the Atlantis myth lies in one of Plato's dialogues where a student asks Socrates where he got these cool whelk-toed sandals and he says \"This place in Atlantis called Crustashoes before it, you know, went under lol here you can just have them I have philosophy.\"\n", "\n", "What's 18 inches long and makes women scream at night? Crib Death.\n", "\n", "Fire begins to return.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the apartment building that got blown up? Roomers were flying around.\n", "\n", "Powerball hits $1.5 billion, largest-ever lottery jackpot for one winner - \n", "\n", "The following list of cat breeds includes domestic cat breeds and domestic/wild hybrids.\n", "\n", "White House says Department of Justice is not asking Apple to create a new backdoor, asking for access to one device\n", "\n", "Wife said she was going to leave me if I continued to sing Oasis. I said maybe...\n", "\n", "Why are hipsters such great assassins? Because they hide the bodies in places no one has ever heard of.\n", "\n", "Every Man Has His Hobby-Horse\n", "\n", "Gold on course for longest winning run since 2011 \n", "\n", "Ferrets under one year old are known as kits.\n", "\n", "Canadian pastor held in North Korea labor camp digs holes alone: CNN \n", "\n", "If Donald Trump gets elected president there's gonna be hell toupée.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget.\n", "\n", "Despite having two caudal vertebrae , Kitti 's Hog-nosed Bat has no visible tail.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the Mexican train hijacker? They say he had loco motives.\n", "\n", "When The Pinch Comes, You Remember The Old Shoe\n", "\n", "U.S. military urges 'decisive action' against Islamic State in Libya \n", "\n", "To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.\n", "\n", "our generation as grandparents is gonna be weird like imagine ur grandpa listening to drake or texting u “lmao i’m dead”\n", "\n", "To date , Bad Religion has released fourteen studio albums , two EPs , three compilation albums , one live recording , and two DVDs.\n", "\n", "Someone at a fancy restaurant: “What does this wine pair well with?”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Waiter: “Cocaine.”\n", "\n", "When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.\n", "\n", "What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce patch? A seizure salad.\n", "\n", "The two remaining contestants ' golden balls are again put back into the ball machine and one more Killer ball is added , leaving eleven golden balls in play.\n", "\n", "My boss has a heart of gold. Or whatever metal they're using these days to make robot hearts.\n", "\n", "More than 62,000 migrant arrivals in Greece last month: IOM \n", "\n", "Many amusement rides provide rotation.\n", "\n", "He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.\n", "\n", "Why did the chicken kill itself? To get to the other side.\n", "\n", " No casualties, injuries or evidence of a shooting at Naval Medical Center San Diego - Navy \n", "\n", "My friend's dad has just got a new pacemaker. He's a little Kenyan lad who runs ten metres in front of him.\n", "\n", "Asian stocks struggle as headwinds grow; gold shines \n", "\n", "What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs\n", "\n", "My psychiatrist says I have revenge issues. I'll show him.\n", "\n", "Yes, I’m old news. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Now get the fuck off my lawn.\n", "\n", "I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out. She pulled some strings and got me in.\n", "\n", "Sled dogs are expected to demonstrate two major qualities in their work.\n", "\n", "Hercules tutors the people of Troy and prepares them to battle to take back Troy.\n", "\n", "I heard a bunch of Japanese people chanting \"We want rights! We want rights!\" They must be scared of the dark or something.\n", "\n", "My hugely-fat teacher was talking about the issue of obesity in America. Talk about an elephant in the room.\n", "\n", "George Orwell died from tuberculosis, a disease since made preventable by a vaccine.\n", "\n", "FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life\r", "\r", "\r\n", "WIFE: our wedding day\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same\n", "\n", "Grasp All, Lose All\n", "\n", "When I was growing up, people got abortions. Desperate women turned to back alley butchers or even tried the procedure on their own. Some were lucky, but others weren't. They all went through hell. Access to safe, legal abortion is a constitutional RIGHT. Full stop.\n", "\n", "What's going on with the weather? I haven't the foggiest.\n", "\n" ] }, { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "Pennsylvania officials can prosecute Cosby for sex assault: judge \n", "\n", "I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?\n", "\n", "Death toll at collapsed building in Taiwanese city reaches 114 as rescue efforts end \n", "\n", "Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*looks at wife, wife shakes her head\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I’m not allowed\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*kicks dirt\n", "\n", "U.N. may delay Syria talks, says U.S., Russia must guarantee truce \n", "\n", "Queen - We will rock you\n", "\n", "After that , it would have begun to rain at low altitude.\n", "\n", "Jimmie Foxx was the first player to win multiple times ; ten players have won three times and seventeen have won twice.\n", "\n", "Unlocking iPhone 'bad for America': Apple CEO\n", "\n", "When the water is clear? After only two rounds? I just have to whisper “witch” to myself. (I’m Vers btw)\n", "\n", "The salmonella/romaine outbreak of 2018 was so scary that I haven’t eaten lettuce since 2006\n", "\n", "Saint Alphonsa is the first saint.\n", "\n", "FBI says video shows slain Oregon occupier reach for jacket pocket: \n", "\n", "A woman walked into a library and asked for a book on euphemisms. So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.\n", "\n", "Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.\n", "\n", "Video games in the Mega Man series.\n", "\n", "The state of Missouri has vigorously tried to get some of the other states bordering on the Mississippi River to join in an urgently needed flood control project. This is because Missouri loves company.\n", "\n", "Apparently it's only repartée if it comes from the repartée region of France otherwise it's just sparkling wit.\n", "\n", "Luis was also one of three retired hurricane name starting with L , the others were Lenny in 1999 and Lili in 2002.\n", "\n", "Germany calls on EU to help Greece, urges Athens to protect border: \n", "\n", "What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a Rap artist? The art\n", "\n", "What did the Zombie plumber cry? DRAAAAAINS. \n", "\n", "CYCLOPS: *puts on monocle*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "BULLY: haha check out nerdy two eyes over here \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CYCLOPS: *a solitary tear forms* this is the happiest day of my life\n", "\n", "Make the little things count. Teach midgets maths.\n", "\n", "At that time one white maggot comes out of the larvae , suspended by a silken thread.\n", "\n", "My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.\n", "\n", "What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? Nacho cheese.\n", "\n", "All of us share the earth with crocodiles, which are literal fucking dinosaurs, and we just walk around buying eggs and light bulbs. Wake up humanity we are at WAR here!!!\n", "\n", "The fields and must be specified.\n", "\n", "Much like the tail , the claw in apes is no longer necessary.\n", "\n", "Many boats were also lost as a result of Jose.\n", "\n", "The terms old moon and new moon are interchangeable , although new moon is more common.\n", "\n", "To Draw (Pull) In One's Horns\n", "\n", "Syngenta deal could pave way for biotech acceptance from China users \n", "\n", "Today she is considered one of Korea 's most famous and accomplished ballad singers.\n", "\n", "Moody's cuts China outlook to negative: \n", "\n", "Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20\n", "\n", "Crises spoil Chinese, Russian appetite for luxury London property \n", "\n", "Might wake up early and go for a jog. Might also win the lottery, odds are about the same.\n", "\n", "It's difficult for me to say what my wife does for a living. She sells sea shells by the seashore.\n", "\n", "JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MARIO:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "JUDGE: it’s a fine \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not\n", "\n", "If You Laugh Before Breakfast You'll Cry Before Supper\n", "\n", "My girlfriend just asked me \"When we go to Egypt, can we go on a Camel?\" I said, \"Fuck off, it would take ages to get there on a camel\".\n", "\n", "California high-speed rail's first leg to connect Central and Silicon valleys \n", "\n", "The first Royal Rumble took place on January 24 , 1988 and was broadcast live on the USA Network.\n", "\n", "If you’re ever feeling lazy just remember that john carpenter directed the greatest horror movie ever made then decided to call it the thing\n", "\n", "HQ debate settled, HSBC spotlight turns to top-level succession \n", "\n", "British Gas to cut household gas prices by 5 percent: \n", "\n", "At least 42 migrants drown as boats capsize off Greek islands \n", "\n", "[deserted island]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MICK JAGGER: [quietly] all we need is music, sweet, sweet music, there'll be m-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DAVID BOWIE: shut the hell up\n", "\n", "I didn’t care about Avengers but please don’t spoil the new Toy Story movie.\n", "\n", "See Great Apostasy.\n", "\n", "FBI agent says evidence manipulated in Baltimore 'Serial' hearing \n", "\n", "FINALLY the representation I have always PRAYED and AWAITED FOR\n", "\n", "I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.\n", "\n", "Indonesia blames Islamic State for attack by suicide bombers and gunmen in Jakarta: \n", "\n", "U.N. panel rebukes Iran for allowing sex, execution at nine years old \n", "\n", "\"How do construction workers remember their tasks? They drill them into their head!\"\n", "\n", "Every time you speak, the elephant in the room does jerk-off motions behind your back.\n", "\n", "Not knowing about Greek mythology is my Achilles' Horse.\n", "\n", "*cocks gun*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: “Go ahead.”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Horse: “Just be cool, man.”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: “DRINK.”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Horse: “No problem. It's just a stupid expression.”\n", "\n", "Interviewer: what are your hobbies \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: destroying my enemies \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Interviewer: I don’t think ur right for this job \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: bad choice\n", "\n", "In Buddhism , the first schism was set up by Devadatta , during Buddha 's life.\n", "\n", "The first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule, so we have an even number of rules.\n", "\n", "Cameron upbeat but poll shows Britons tilting toward leaving EU \n", "\n", "There are three types of people in this world. Those that can count and those that can't.\n", "\n", "Like other tribes , they were nomads.\n", "\n", "Borrowed Garments Never Fit Well\n", "\n", "What do you call a judge with no fingers? Justice Thumbs\n", "\n", "UK regulators demand five-year references for senior bankers: \n", "\n", "Most water turbines in use are reaction turbines and are used in low head applications.\n", "\n", "Having sex in elevators is wrong on so many levels.\n", "\n", "Yo mama is so nasty I called her to say hello, and she ended up giving me an ear infection.\n", "\n", "I am he as \r", "\r", "\r\n", "you are he as \r", "\r", "\r\n", "you are me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "And we are all vaccinated.\n", "\n", "I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!\n", "\n", "hey \"nice\" manbun haha it fuckin sucks you hipster asshole [he turns around and reveals he is a samurai from the tokugawa shogunate] oh fuck\n", "\n", "I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.\n", "\n", "You know you're ugly when a boiling kettle won't even give you a whistle.\n", "\n", "Walking the dog in the cemetery and I saw a man crouching behind a headstone. I shouted 'morning!'He replied 'no mate, just taking a shit'\n", "\n", "VERIZON: we are America’s Most Reliable Network\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "AT&T: we’re like basically just as good it’s a tie\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "T-MOBILE: pink!!!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SPRINT: remember that verizon guy with the glasses lmao\n", "\n", "Leslie 's father , Bill Burke , tells Jess that she loved him , and thanks him for being a very good friend to her , since she had trouble making friends at her old school.\n", "\n", "What's the definition of a microwave? A flea saying goodbye.\n", "\n", "To enjoy qin songs , one must learn to become accustomed to the eccentric style some players may sing their songs to , like in the case of Zha Fuxi.\n", "\n", "Suffering from anxiety or depression?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Try new Cheer Up™\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Solve ALL your problems with ease by\r", "\r", "\r\n", "𝓒𝓱𝓮𝓮𝓻𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓤𝓹!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "And now introducing NEW Cheer Up™ for WOMEN: Calm Down™\n", "\n", "Further problems soon arose.\n", "\n", "Sort out your toenails\n", "\n", "Armed with new U.S. money, NATO to strengthen Russia deterrence \n", "\n", "Russia calls Turkey strikes on Syria 'absolute lawlessness': RIA \n", "\n", "Who called it \"playing footsie\" and not \"becoming sole mates\"?\n", "\n", "I am so stupid and so tired please stop expecting things from me\n", "\n", "Moody's sees Brexit hitting whole EU; watching Poland closely \n", "\n", "I hate people asking me if this tweet is true like no it’s not true there wasn’t a zombie apocalypse\n", "\n", "Four Eyes See More (Better) Than Two\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there is a dog.\n", "\n", "During this time , he played for the New York Rangers , Toronto Maple Leafs , Montreal Canadiens , Chicago Black Hawks , Montreal Maroons , and New York Americans.\n", "\n", "This day in history. 1789. The French Third Estate uttered the Tennis Court Oath: WHAT\"S FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS.\n", "\n", "white women to the waiter when their dressing didn’t come on the side\n", "\n", "#OscarsSoWhite quickly revived on Twitter following Oscar nominations: \n", "\n", "GE to move headquarters to Boston from Connecticut \n", "\n", "Wanna be realy stoned? Drink wet cement.\n", "\n", "[me, talking to someone else] you’re so brave for making changes in your life. Who cares if you hit a few bumps along the way. Mistakes are human and that’s how we learn. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[me, talking to me] you better be fucken perfect at this right away or I swear to god\n", "\n", "Life is like a bubble bath. All fun and games till till you get some in your eye.\n", "\n", "The last piece of that Butterfinger I ate in '07 finally came out of my teeth.\n", "\n", "Syria talks start on Friday, but can't say who with or when : U.N. \n", "\n", "Turkey says offers to sign migrant readmission agreements with 14 countries \n", "\n", "GENIE: I'm pretty sure you meant \"hot air balloon\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: I said what I said\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HOT AIR RACCOON: [gently blowing hot air onto a pizza to warm it up]\n", "\n", "Jeff: You remember all those Jeff/Geoff jokes? I hated those\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Geoff: Yeah I reomeombeor\n", "\n", "Japanese Emperor Akihito diagnosed with influenza \n", "\n", "Lawyers for Assange ask Swedish court to overturn arrest warrant \n", "\n", "Me: *carefully going around the victims body with chalk*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Detective: We don’t usually outline the balls\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: oh I’m not a cop lol\n", "\n", "oh no\n", "\n", "They were briefly left without a drummer until they were able to lure Skin Yard drummer Matt Cameron away from his band.\n", "\n", "Another method of ducking was to use the tumbrel , which consisted of a chair on two wheels with two long shafts fixed to the axles.\n", "\n", "It is a large scoria volcano with two craters , which last erupted about one million years ago.\n", "\n", "[1789, woman opens beautifully wrapped hand delivered message] Oh my. Yet another gentleman caller has sent me his penis portrait.\n", "\n", "A fun alternative to saying \"go to hell\" is saying \"hop on this conference call\"\n", "\n", "All exorcism is: B(r)east Reduction\n", "\n", "Some mistakes are just too much to do only once.\n", "\n", "The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.\n", "\n", "The group gives Wales full access to and.\n", "\n", "In areas with two wet and dry seasons each year , there may be two pairs of light and dark rings each year ; and in some , there may be a new growth ring with each rainfall.\n", "\n", "I can't help being lazy. It walks in the family.\n", "\n", "It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple. --\n", "\n", "Never. Owning said typo with head high and dignity.\n", "\n", "Why was the baseball team hot? It didn't have any fans \n", "\n", "You ever see a straw with like maybe 2 mild bends in it trying to act like it’s a crazy straw? You’re a slightly unusual straw at best\n", "\n", "All Sugar And Honey\n", "\n", "\"I bet you can wrap presents with your eyes shut\" I said to my wife. \"I probably could\" she laughed. \"Great I'll just go and get yours\" I said.\n", "\n", "I guess you heard about me weeing in the newsagents yesterday? It was all over the papers.\n", "\n", "The name ecliptic arises because eclipses occur when the full or new Moon is very close to this path of the Sun.\n", "\n", "Three units were built , one two-car unit , and two four-car units.\n", "\n", "'In' camp leads ahead of Britain's EU referendum, but gap narrows \n", "\n", "Me: hey did you buy '100 Count Tennis Balls' from Amazon?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: no\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*\n", "\n", "*shipwrecked diary*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Day 2: I have married the crab. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Day 3: I have eaten my wife.\n", "\n", "Two Palestinians shot dead after stabbing two Israelis in West Bank: police \n", "\n", "wtf they named a sandwich after my new song\n", "\n", "A year on from Nigerian election victory, Buhari's reforms founder \n", "\n", "Russia to continue air strikes around Aleppo even if ceasefire is agreed: Interfax \n", "\n", "Most trains either run non-stop between Liverpool Street and Tottenham Hale or make one intermediate stop at Hackney Downs.\n", "\n", "Me and my mate were fighting over which was the best vowel. I won!\n", "\n", "Occultations by Hermione have been successfully observed three times so far , the last time in February , 2004.\n", "\n", "A book fell on my head... I can't blame myshelf.\n", "\n", "During the two years he studied at Yerevan # 8 college of Fine Arts.\n", "\n", "BMX icon Dave Mirra dead at 41 in apparent suicide: police \n", "\n", "Iran could decide fate of first global oil deal for 15 years \n", "\n", "Is this your 1st time at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *eating donuts* Yeah, why?\n", "\n", "U.S. issues treatment guidelines for infants exposed to Zika: \n", "\n", "German-Russian ties feel Cold War-style chill over rape case \n", "\n", "It has curled head feathering and twisted central tail feathers.\n", "\n", "Better Die Standing Than Live Kneeling\n", "\n", "Klang may have taken its name from the Klang River which runs through the town.\n", "\n", "Several ribosomes may be attached to a single mRNA at any time.\n", "\n", "if your job is arguing that sick kids should be made to sleep on freezing concrete you quit that job\n", "\n", "I have a bumper sticker that says, \"honk if you think I'm sexy\". I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.\n", "\n", "Moscow expects explanation from Saudis over participation in Syria operation: TASS \n", "\n", "Guy 1: look what I found? A needle in a haystack.\r\n", "Guy 2: I can beat that, I found a job.\r\n", "Guy 1: oooh, you win.\n", "\n", "Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time? Because it was Luke warm.\n", "\n", "Last night in bed, my wife said we should try some role reversal. So I said I had a headache.\n", "\n", "I hate helping people. I think I'll get a job at Apple.\n", "\n", "Still Waters Run Deep\n", "\n", "What do you call a girl that raps about women rights? Feminem. \n", "\n", "If my kids don't come when I call them I just give my wife a big passionate kiss and all of a sudden there they are\n", "\n", "Harper Lee, author of 'To Kill a Mockingbird,' dies: report. \n", "\n", "Erdogan chastises U.S. over support for Syrian Kurds: \n", "\n", "By that time , there were 80 Franklins supermarkets across New South Wales . The only Franklins store to open that year was the one in Newcastle.\n", "\n", "White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest addresses questions on North Korea's claims that it tested a H-bomb. \n", "\n", "Teasing is a word with many meanings.\n", "\n", "Denmark environment minister to step down, bringing coalition crisis to a head \n", "\n", "Gynaecologist, at your cervix.\n", "\n", "These changes may remain through cell divisions for the remainder of the cell 's life and may also last for multiple generations.\n", "\n", "Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you've been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.\n", "\n", "Why do Jewish men get circumcised? Because Jewish women can't resist anything 25% off.\n", "\n", "Money Is A Good Servant But A Bad Master\n", "\n", "Spears lost physical custody of her children to Federline on October 1 , with the court ruling that Federline will keep full custody of the children.\n", "\n", "Two blondes were driving to Disneyland and the exit sign reads: DISNEYLAND LEFT. They started crying and headed home.\n", "\n", "His middle name was in honor of former President Theodore Roosevelt , who died twenty-five days before Robinson was born.\n", "\n", "Don't Count Your Chickens Before They Are Hatched\n", "\n", "Public asked to help close 18-minute gap in San Bernardino probe \n", "\n", "Sometimes I laugh so much that a bit of wee comes out. It's really starting to worry me..Why is wee coming out of my mouth?\n", "\n", "Stuck in 'halfway place,' remote Canadian community reels from shooting \n", "\n", "take a minute to appreciate what I just saw on the road.\n", "\n", "Russia to call U.N. Security Council session on Syria on Friday \n", "\n", "if u guys don’t start retweeting the tweets i’m proud of i swear to god I’m gonna probly adjust my tweeting style to ur liking because i need u\n", "\n", "The Tour of Britain was extended to seven days for 2007 , with the extra day being used to run a stage in Somerset for the first time.\n", "\n", "The Great Barrier Reef supports a diversity of life , including many vulnerable or endangered species , some of which may be endemic to the reef system.\n", "\n", "Its capacity is three and a half times that of Sydney Harbour and supplies water for irrigation schemes downstream.\n", "\n", "I come from a long line of Conga dancers.\n", "\n", "Im sorry, did The middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?\n", "\n", "Kinetic energy can be passed from one object to another.\n", "\n", "Raccoons exchange goods and services for raccoins, which are also redeemable at Chuck E. Cheese. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I will be taking questions at this time.\n", "\n", "Costa Rica finished in the fourth place.\n", "\n", "The place name La Hoguette is believed to derive from the Old Norse word Haugr meaning a knoll or a hill.\n", "\n", "Feast Today And Fast Tomorrow\n", "\n", "My girlfriend wanted perfume and jewellery for her birthday, but I got her a chocolate egg and a toy instead. She was kinder surprised.\n", "\n", "Islamic State finds 'diminishing returns' on Twitter: report \n", "\n", "LEMON is featured in school textbooks ; there aren't many Japanese who don't know the story.\n", "\n", "Russia raises specter of permanent or 'world war' if Syria talks fail \n", "\n", "Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.\n", "\n", "Cancel me daddy. I've been a problematic little boy\n", "\n", "What's the difference between a chick pea and a potato? You wouldn't pay to have a potato on you.\n", "\n", "So stressed my acne just broke out.\n", "\n", "Sorry your Twitter dom is busy planting impatiens today.\n", "\n", "Give all teachers Gundams\n", "\n", "I had a threesome with a scalene and an isosceles.It was a love triangle.\n", "\n", "fun adult game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are. it's cool as heck and you can play for hours\n", "\n", "The name is believed to come from Gaelic , and means `` Place of the little stump '' , `` outcrop '' or `` block ''.\n", "\n", "It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.\n", "\n", "The best known succulents are cacti.\n", "\n", "I took an airline to court over my missing luggage. They lost the case.\n", "\n", "You Cannot Flay The Same Ox Twice\n", "\n", "Leah could sign full sentences long before her ` hearing ' peers could even speak , and as a result , her parents say she never threw a tantrum.\n", "\n", "U.S. and EU regulators urge Indian drug companies to step up standards \n", "\n", "Whenever I want to start eating healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.\n", "\n", "Got some new underwear today, well, to me.\n", "\n", "What do you call crystal clear urine? 1080pee\n", "\n", "Caution Is The Parent Of Safety\n", "\n", "LaGrossa will again compete on alongside Tom Westman who returns for the first time.\n", "\n", "Balukas admits to having been under great pressure , much of it self-imposed.\n", "\n", "To Work With The Left Hand\n", "\n", "Ho ho ho: Santa's cry, or three prostitutes.\n", "\n", "During which battle was Lord Nelson killed? His last one.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a Nobel Prize for being outstanding in his field?\n", "\n", "I've been invited round a neighbours for a pre Christmas drink with nibbles. They treat that fucking cat like royalty.\n", "\n", "I like my women like I like my whiskey, Twelve years old and mixed up with coke.\n", "\n", "Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one.\n", "\n", "For the first time ever , the initial tribes were divided by sex.\n", "\n", "Toyota to stop Japan production for one week due to steel shortage \n", "\n", "What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?\n", "\n", "Friend: Did you just say \"the 𝑐𝑙𝑎𝑚 before the storm\"?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Yeah, you know, like \"the oyster before the moisture\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Friend: The what?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: The flounder before the downpour\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Friend: Please stop\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: A beluga whale in a moderate gale\n", "\n", "Haiti set to form transitional government to fill power vacuum \n", "\n", "What do you call a man who lives in a back street? Ali.\n", "\n", "Matthew Fox stated in an interview that in the final season , the characters of Jack Shephard and John Locke `` will come head to head . ''\n", "\n", "[three weird tweets through which I attempt to bring people joy followed by a rt about genocide]\n", "\n", "Master race my fucking ass you could take down any KKK assembly with lactose and a packet of taco bell diablo hot sauce\n", "\n", "Ladies, if he's:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Possessive\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Confusing\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Never where he's supposed to be \r", "\r", "\r\n", "...He's not your man. He's an apostrophe\n", "\n", "If time zone information is specified , the otherwise optional timezone parameter must be set.\n", "\n", " Liberated Washington Post reporter Jason Rezaian says there are ''many people to thank'' for his release. \n", "\n", "Judge Not Of Men And Things At First Sight\n", "\n", "Anna was born at Flatbrookville , Walpack Township , New Jersey on July 25 , 1775 to Judge John Cleves and Anna Tuthill Symmes of Long Island.\n", "\n", "Why do Marxists drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft!\n", "\n", "I just had someone correct my spelling on my birthday, they should be put to death, correct?\n", "\n", "Why was the student's report card wet?\r\n", "Because his grades were below C-Level.\n", "\n", "I almost forgot to update my status that I'd been to the gym. What a waste of a workout that would have been!\n", "\n", "Tweet call game contest:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "We give you 3 words and you have to include 2 (bonus if you use all 3) of those words in the tweet then link it here. They'll be rt and liked. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Best tweet will be quoted and pinned to my profile\n", "\n", "Grand jury indicts 16 in connection with Oregon occupation \n", "\n", "Eight people killed in German train crash, 100 injured: Bavarian police\n", "\n", "Success Is Never Blamed\n", "\n", "Syria army seizes strategic town in Deraa province-monitor \n", "\n", "Walmart greeter: sorry sir you can't come in looking like that\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *adjusts jogging pants so that the awkward boner creates a tent*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Walmart greeter: Enjoy your stay\n", "\n", "Possible debris from Malaysia flight MH370 found near Mozambique: NBC \n", "\n", "Russian parliament rejects minute's silence for slain Kremlin critic Nemtsov \n", "\n", "College began on an ominous note when, on move in day, my roommate’s dad identified some scratches on our door as a series of satanic symbols\n", "\n", "[during sex]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: say something naughty\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: wiener\n", "\n", "Hartley has come a long way since the `` clearing in the wood where the deer are '' of a thousand years ago , to the small dormitory town of today.\n", "\n", "the signs moral alignment\r", "\r", "\r\n", "lawful good - virgo\r", "\r", "\r\n", "neutral good - cancer, sagittarius\r", "\r", "\r\n", "chaotic good - leo, aquarius\r", "\r", "\r\n", "lawful neutral - libra, capricorn\r", "\r", "\r\n", "true neutral - pisces\r", "\r", "\r\n", "chaotic neutral - scorpio\r", "\r", "\r\n", "lawful evil - gemini\r", "\r", "\r\n", "neutral evil - aries\r", "\r", "\r\n", "chaotic evil - taurus\n", "\n", "Born in New York , New York , Jennings was owner of the New York Rangers from 1959 until his death in 1981.\n", "\n", "Honestly, the worst part of being robbed was that they took my notebook, but ripped out all the jokes and left them.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "They wanted everything, except my jokes.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I bombed while getting robbed.\n", "\n", "Shower doors are doors used in bathrooms that help keep water inside a shower or bathtub and are great alternatives to shower curtains.\n", "\n", "What do you call a guy in a lot of debt? Owen.\n", "\n", "This would allow up to four instructions to be `` in flight '' at one time , making the processor look four times as fast.\n", "\n", "See municipalities of Baja California.\n", "\n", "[First date at an aquarium]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: if I opened a seafood restaurant I would serve a sharkuterie board\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: SHARK-uterie\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: uhh\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *under breath* ᵗʰᶦˢ ᵈᵃᵗᵉ ᶦˢ ᶠˡᵒᵘⁿᵈᵉʳᶦⁿᵍ\n", "\n", "Girl: Do you know, why were females created before males?\r\n", "Boy: Because God needed a rough funny draft before the final copy!\n", "\n", "Timbuktu is assumed to have had one of the first universities in the world.\n", "\n", "her: not what i meant by wrap it up before sex \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: oh good the bow is cutting off my circulation\n", "\n", "gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.\n", "\n", "Chiron cures him and Percy leaves to attend another school found by his mother.\n", "\n", "In the 2006 NBA Playoffs , the Miami Heat would go on to win their first NBA Championship.\n", "\n", "Towards the end of his life , contemporaries considered him more of a children 's poet as many of his readers were children.\n", "\n", "my job\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "pros:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "• money\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cons:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "• i hate it\r", "\r", "\r\n", "• everyone's suspicious of me because i started at the exact same time the mysterious fires began\r", "\r", "\r\n", "• spreadsheets\n", "\n", "A WORD\n", "\n", "Gunmen kill three Mali soldiers in attack on checkpoint \n", "\n", "A bloke was shagging his overweight missus, when his phone rings.\"You'll have to ring me back mate, I'm in the tub\" he said.\n", "\n", "Like Mother, Like Daughter\n", "\n", "'Affluenza' mother enters no plea at Texas arraignment \n", "\n", "Brazilian studies aim to unravel Zika's link to birth defects \n", "\n", "Islamic State attacks YPG-held town at Turkish border \n", "\n", "Bernie Sanders goes on the offensive against front-runner Clinton: \n", "\n", "To Hit The Nail On The Head\n", "\n", "Boris Johnson defies David Cameron to campaign for Brexit :\n", "\n", "Chip 'n Dale are two animated chipmunks created by The Walt Disney Company.\n", "\n", "Many species of skippers look frustratingly alike.\n", "\n", "You've seen one shopping centre. You've seen the mall.\n", "\n", "To Give A Lark To Catch A Kite\n", "\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My wife:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: (stands up)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: While you’re up....\n", "\n", "In southern Africa, an illusion built on aid heralds hope and hunger \n", "\n", "interviewer: how does your Master's degree set u apart?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "interviewer: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: more debt maybe\n", "\n", "Asian shares off to cautious start after G20, U.S. data \n", "\n", "Last night I accidentally saw the woman who lives next door masturbating naked on her bed. I was so shocked I fell out of the tree.\n", "\n", "England at sixes, Scotland at sevens for Calcutta clash \n", "\n", "Additionally , Tempo was also Mozambique 's first full color magazine.\n", "\n", "Speculators veer toward stronger euro in headache for ECB \n", "\n", "Kerry says there will be no 'fundamental delay' in Syria talks \n", "\n", "This May Day celebration began in 1870 and is approaching one hundred and forty years of age.\n", "\n", "Plastic in Snickers bar prompts Mars recall in 55 countries \n", "\n", "Are there really rhetorical questions?\n", "\n", "I am afraid of Santa-- I must be claustrophobic\n", "\n", "Who wants deer lickies\n", "\n", "Manchester United fans plan Europa League ticket price protest \n", "\n", "Russia will send first S-300 missile system to Iran on Thursday: RIA \n", "\n", "Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball? He had nobody to go with.\n", "\n", "I figure what I lack in knowledge I make up for in theories.\n", "\n", "Anti-nuclear critics see nuclear power as a dangerous , expensive way to boil water to generate electricity.\n", "\n", "First rule of Thesaurus Club. You don't talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, gossip or natter about Thesaurus Club\n", "\n", "Ginger ales come in two varieties : golden ginger ale and dry ginger ale.\n", "\n", "What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.\n", "\n", "To Know Everything Is To Know Nothing\n", "\n", "Turkey calls for unconditional US support against Kurdish YPG \n", "\n", "Work is carried out from a combined studio and workshop where concept development , detailing , prototyping and small scale fabrication take place.\n", "\n", "U.S. consumer spending softens; savings hit three-year high \n", "\n", "My wife's head just spun around and then she vomited green slimeI've no idea what's possessed her.\n", "\n", "To silence propaganda, Iraq seeks to take Islamic State offline \n", "\n", "The great albatrosses take over a year to raise a chick from laying to fledging.\n", "\n", "4:35 A.M. THIS WAS A HORRIBLE MISTAKE\n", "\n", "Analysis - EU designs permanent outer circle to keep Britain in \n", "\n", "\"What did the pervert olive say to the sexy olive? I hope you take olive your clothes off!\"\n", "\n", "The words mantle and pallium both originally meant cloak or cape , see mantle.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the new pirate movie? It's rated ARRRGH.\n", "\n", "Asian shares drop to 2011 levels as oil slump intensifies \n", "\n", "Paddys wife shouts:\"Did you find the shampoo?\" He answers:\"Yes, but I'm not sure what to do.. it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine\"\n", "\n", "*knocks on neighbor's door*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "May I borrow a cup of cocaine?\n", "\n", "Young Victor fell in love and against his mother 's wishes , became secretly engaged to his childhood friend Adèle Foucher.\n", "\n", "What do you call it when you open a soda for a buddy who is in outer space? An astrofizzassist.\n", "\n", "The band formed their own label and released a 3-disc live performance CD/DVD set , Our Live Album Is Better Than Your Live Album.\n", "\n", "Every time I need to mask the terrible taste of a corona, a corona gets it's lime.\n", "\n", "They also made extensive use of new materials and manufacturing methods developed at the time.\n", "\n", "This material would eventually form the Moon.\n", "\n", "Kurds call Baghdad's oil-for-salaries offer 'cheap political bartering' \n", "\n", "French advisers helping Libyan forces fight Islamic State in Benghazi -Libyan commander \n", "\n", "When does Sean Connery show up to Wimbeldon? About tennish\n", "\n", "Judge leaning toward sealing some evidence in the Cosby sex suit: \n", "\n", "[first day as a cop]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: suspect is running nude through downtown\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dispatch: copy that\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *starts undressing*\n", "\n", "who is this\n", "\n", "Release of jailed Turkish journalists is 'defeat' for Erdogan, Dundar says \n", "\n", "boomers: stop complaining you just need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "millenials: we can't afford boots we can barely afford to stay alive\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "boomers: WHY ARE MILLENIALS KILLING THE BOOTSTRAP INDUSTRY\n", "\n", "Cashiers are always checking me out.\n", "\n", "for the new yorker's kid lit project, i wrote about one of my favorites, the mog the cat series!!!!\n", "\n", "If u don’t cry at the end of ur birthday was it ever ur birthday\n", "\n", " Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars. Cut off all my oxygen and dump my corpse on Mars.\n", "\n", "Izanagi retorts that a thousand and five hundred will be born every day.\n", "\n", "Elleene Polley, inventor of the TV remote, has died. He shall be buried underneath the sofa cushions.\n", "\n", "Scored a job as an accountant. My new nickname is 'The Thought'.\n", "\n", "A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.\n", "\n", "Many living in the area were caught off guard when Katrina strengthened from a tropical storm to a hurricane in one day and struck southern Florida on August 25 , 2005.\n", "\n", "ME: What's that on your wrist?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CO-WORKER: It's a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I've taken throughout the day.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm* \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CW: That's just a regular watch.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: I know...it tells me how many hours I've got left until bedtime.\n", "\n", "How do snails fight? They slug it out.\n", "\n", "AN ADULT IN THERAPY IN THE YEAR 2035: he said he was going out to record his podcast one day and he just...never came back. sometimes he snapped me and my mom asking to know the tea sis but if dad really wanted tea why didn’t he just come home\n", "\n", "I was given a leaflet the other day on anger management. I lost it.\n", "\n", "Brazil authorizes forced entry to private property to fight Zika \n", "\n", "Tinder Date: It’s just...in your profile picture you had a normal human head, like y’know all covered in flesh and stuff.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Ghost Rider: Yeah, that was taken before I was possessed by the Spirit of Vengeance.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Tinder Date: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Ghost Rider: Preeeetty sure I mentioned that in my bio.\n", "\n", "Renamed the router \"Hide Your Kids, Hide Your Wi-Fi\"\n", "\n", "Often Spurgeon 's wife was too ill for her to leave home to hear him preach.\n", "\n", "Twitter says Dorsey continues to forego direct compensation \n", "\n", "Caviar, champagne at Harrods: Some Mexican anti-graft busters live large \n", "\n", "It is also appropriate for guitar music , with drop D tuning making two Ds available as open strings.\n", "\n", "Saving your document as \"fgaskljdflkjsan\" and having your computer say the file name is already taken.\n", "\n", "Hawaii's Big Island declares state of emergency over dengue fever infections: \n", "\n", "Flea: I dunno, feels like something's missing.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Anthony Kiedis: Ding, dang, dong, dong, deng, deng, dong, dong, ding, dang\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Flea: Holy shit.\n", "\n", "They may also damage trees in forests.\n", "\n", "You're telling me I need to study? No thanks, I'll pass.\n", "\n", "He was born near Qamishlo in Syria.\n", "\n", "He was one of Walt Disney 's team of animators known as the Nine Old Men.\n", "\n", "What's small, brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?A coconut in disguise.\n", "\n", "They store water in their succulent leaves.\n", "\n", "Student loan forgiveness.\n", "\n", "Woke up today to find someone had dumped 2 tonnes of topsoil on my vegetable patch. The plot thickens.\n", "\n", "I'm not sure what the first church on the moon will look like, but I'm sure the mass will be the same.\n", "\n", "I’m not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes because I know that I’m not dumb. I also know I’m not blonde - Dolly Parton\n", "\n", "I'm in a good* mood**.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "* pronounced like mood\r", "\r", "\r\n", "** pronounced like good\n", "\n", "The keepers ' cottages are today let as holiday houses.\n", "\n", "We once had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die!\n", "\n", "The company continued its activity under the name `` Vacheron & Constantin ''.\n", "\n", "[Nightclub] \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY\n", "\n", "If true , this would imply that there are no odd perfect numbers.\n", "\n", "Dante had already fallen in love with another woman , Beatrice Portinari.\n", "\n", "My niece just told me about her plan to become an \"instagram influenza\" and honestly I think that's exactly what the world needs.\n", "\n", "I thought you guys were cool but none of you fucking told me that five of George Foreman’s sons are named George Foreman.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the Ethiopian Vs. US soccer game? USA: 8 Ethiopia: Didn't.\n", "\n", "A Bird May Be Known By Its Song\n", "\n", "My car is so small that I overcompensate by having a large penis.\n", "\n", "Friend: look I got camo crocs\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " nice crocs\r", "\r", "\r\n", " cool crocs\r", "\r", "\r\n", " sick crocs\r", "\r", "\r\n", " what crocs\n", "\n", "The only computers I trust with my women are Unix.\n", "\n", "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? They are really good at it.\n", "\n", "can we talk about how cute motorcycle gangs are?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- inseparable friends\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- matching outfits\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- going on adventures together\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "what wholesome adorable fun. lucky ducks.\n", "\n", "Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house!\n", "\n", "If the debate is “but are they REALLY concentration camps”, that’s a pretty good sign that they’re concentration camps.\n", "\n", "Me: *carefully going around the victims body with chalk*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Detective: We don’t usually outline the balls\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: oh I’m not a cop lol\n", "\n", "Don't join dangerous cults. Always practice safe sects!\n", "\n", "Niger starts voting in presidential election \n", "\n", "person in front of me: *goes 5 miles under the speed limit*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: why are you ruining my life\n", "\n", "Me: so you know my friend Cliff? So the other day I’m at his place, and I go to put my coat in his closet\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Her:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Her: and..?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Her:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I’ll tell you next week\n", "\n", "I was pulled over by the police... \"Have we been drinking sir\" \"No\" I replied. \"I don't remember you buying me a pint\"\n", "\n", "off to the gym everyone say good job erica\n", "\n", "Today he lives in Redmond , Washington.\n", "\n", "Homer is at first devastated , but decides that he must be a good father and support Bart.\n", "\n", "Unprotected sleep: sleeping without an alarm clock.\n", "\n", "What's red and white and flies at night? A sanitary owl.\n", "\n", "Buckles was born in Bethany , Missouri.\n", "\n", "I walked into the living room today and the wife had a box of Daz on top of the T.V.. I asked her why, she replied \"there's was no Ariel\".\n", "\n", "Sterling jumps after EU official says good chance of deal for UK \n", "\n", "Like , man if I could just grow one , that would take care of a lot of problems . ''\n", "\n", "Cologne explosives suspect says he only wanted to make drugs \n", "\n", "In 1930 , the union changed its name to the Fire Brigades Union.\n", "\n", "China market tsar in spotlight amid stock market turmoil \n", "\n", "To Kick Against The Pricks\n", "\n", "FTSE climbs as miners, banks rally: \n", "\n", "UAE plans to trim ministries, outsource most government services: PM \n", "\n", "A good that is made available at zero price is not necessarily a free good.\n", "\n", "Me: I hear you love company?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Mystery: No, that's Misery\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Oh\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Mystery: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Mystery:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Mystery: OR IS IT\n", "\n", "EU's Mogherini: no set date for dropping Iran sanctions, could be soon \n", "\n", "Preferably the first revision of all new articles would be beefed up enough so the suitability of an article for inclusion in the encyclopedia could be assessed without needing to look at potential.\n", "\n", "waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: no no I’ll find it thanks\n", "\n", "waiter: how was your roast duck sir\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: fine, i’ll take the bill now\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: no no, i need to pay\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir\n", "\n", "I'd hate to be distracted in this epic story of an angry CGI grape losing his magic glove.\n", "\n", "You were born as an original, don't die as a copy!\n", "\n", "Man who tried to enter Paris police station may have been wearing suicide belt - interior ministry\n", "\n", "Uganda says detains general critical of veteran leader \n", "\n", "Anxious phone calls, tense moments before Iran's Supreme Leader okayed sailors' release: \n", "\n", "I just ate some mustard and had the strangest feeling that I had eaten it before. Dijon vu..\n", "\n", "Pharmacist: Viagra for Bryan! Spelled B-R-Y-A-N! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bryan: Geez, don’t embarrass me like that. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Pharmacist: Oh sorry. Viagra for Brian, spelled the normal way!\n", "\n", "White House says the United States has 'rock solid commitment' to the safety of allies Japan and South Korea\n", "\n", "Bulgarian drivers stage counter-blockade at Greek border \n", "\n", "Hawaii's Big Island declares emergency over dengue fever infections: \n", "\n", "sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes\n", "\n", "If there has ever been a better picture taken than this egg ghost that’s scared of its own yellow egg boobs, I’m yet to see it.\n", "\n", "Markets sell dried noodles and men-tsuyu , or instant noodle broth , to make home preparation easy.\n", "\n", "Murray joins fathers' club after wife Kim gives birth \n", "\n", "U.S. Justice Department sues Ferguson, Missouri over police reform \n", "\n", "Nicola Sturgeon takes questions on benefits of EU membership: \n", "\n", "[my mom as a 911 operator] Well, that wasn't very smart, now was it?\n", "\n", "Why don't boxers have sex the night before a fight? Because they don't fancy each other.\n", "\n", "Ric Ocasek: *singing to a loaf of homemade bread* I guess you’re just what I kneaded \n", "\n", "Nothing makes me feel more in control then the shaking, panicking icons when I'm about to delete an app.\n", "\n", "It is the only station on the Morden branch of the Northern line whose name begins with a vowel and is one of only two stations on the London Underground with only four letters in its name.\n", "\n", "yeah the apocalypse is kinda a bummer but I’m pretty excited for the roving bands of women who’ve taken 17 self-defense classes hunting down their abusers the cops said they’d “look into”\n", "\n", "My father didn't love me as a child. Not surpirising really, I wasn't born until he was an adult.\n", "\n", "Its name comes from the Spanish words for `` shrub '' and for `` little grape vine . ''\n", "\n", "why are people not following me!!! is it bc of who i am as a person or my fundamental moral flaws? could not be an issue with my tweets\n", "\n", "During rush hours , trains run roughly every 90 seconds on most lines . At other times during the day , they run about every two to three and a half minutes , and every six to ten minutes late at night.\n", "\n", "last night i played a blank tape at full blast and the mime next door went nuts!\n", "\n", "By definition, people with bad ideas cannot be swayed by logic.\n", "\n", "This film was nominated for Filmfare Awards 1995 in four categories : Best Film , Best Director , Best Actor and Best Comedian.\n", "\n", "Is there something I can do about feelings or am I just stuck having them for the rest of my life?\n", "\n", "Help the police - beat yourself up.\n", "\n", "The baptismal record gives his name in Latinized form as Joannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart.\n", "\n", "No offense but I was raised to “take care” of my husband. Wash his clothes, clean the house, wear gloves, get rid of the body, and act very sad at the funeral\n", "\n", "France says to wind down Central African Republic force by year-end \n", "\n", "At the time there was no state , but towards the end of the 14th century early forms of government were established.\n", "\n", "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.\n", "\n", "Extremely French and Incredibly Toast\n", "\n", "The five stages of Monday: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Wine.\n", "\n", "By the end of the 19th century over 240,000 pencils were used each day in the United States alone.\n", "\n", "Oil prices have bottomed out, but growth will not be sharp -IEA \n", "\n", "The album was recorded over the course of two days in 2006 at Sear Sound Recording Studios in New York.\n", "\n", "Why does Ariel from the Little Mermaid wear seashells? Because the B-shells won't fit.\n", "\n", "David Miliband says the 'implosion' in the Muslim world is fuelling the refugee crisis: \n", "\n", "Kerry hopes for clarity on Syria talks within 24 to 48 hrs \n", "\n", "Commercial aquaculture supplies one half of the fish and shellfish that is directly consumed by humans.\n", "\n", "I’m a guy with a beard now. Come see it in person at #PopCon June 7-8 at indypopcon in Indiana! https://www.instagram.com/p/ByLz3RWB9oV/?igshid=93kztexl096y …\n", "\n", "War Horse 2: More Horse\n", "\n", "My pet mouse 'Elvis' died last last. He was caught in a trap..\n", "\n", "A hermit was arrested after driving a hundred miles an hour, the charge was recluse driving.\n", "\n", "Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it isn't going away.\n", "\n", "What gun-control headlines mean for gun-industry bottom lines \n", "\n", "See WikiProject Music genres/Colours.\n", "\n", "Want to hear a joke about pizza? Nevermind, it's too cheesy. \n", "\n", "[first day as a bank manager]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Customer: I’d like a car loan\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I’m not lending you my car\n", "\n", "For all you who think nothing is impossible, please go staple jello to a tree.\n", "\n", "Inarritu wins DGA award for 'The Revenant,' stoking its Oscar hopes \n", "\n", "How can you tell if Asians have broken into your house? The dog is gone, the homework is done, and they're still trying to leave your driveway\n", "\n", "A Good Name Is Better Than Riches\n", "\n", "8: I don’t want kids when I grow up\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: yeah I hear that buddy\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "8: you wanna know why\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ok sure\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "8: I don’t want them trashing my helicopter because I’m going to be rich and drive a helicopter and I’m not haulin that thing to school drop off every morning\n", "\n", "The Pot Calls The Kettle Black\n", "\n", "Spin-off or sale? Yahoo's turnaround plan set to dominate its earnings report later today: \n", "\n", "It was first published in 1997 and describes the transitions from night to day and from day to night.\n", "\n", "Following this , the WWE Women 's Championship soon became Raw-exclusive as well.\n", "\n", "The chair was enshrined in its new home with great celebration of January 16 , 1666.\n", "\n", "Tonight is the night the missus wears crotchless pants! Not for me though! Its to get a better grip on her broom.\n", "\n", "Islamists bomb, storm restaurant in Somali capital \n", "\n", "Shower? Me? What am I: not depressed?? Grow up\n", "\n", "Many women begin their careers in adulthood.\n", "\n", "Asia shares retreat again as China stocks' recovery short-lived \n", "\n", "The wood is easy to work and the grain is straight with long , clear sections without knots.\n", "\n", "If any Man shall offer to run away , or keep any Secret from the Company , he shall be marooned with one Bottle of Powder , one Bottle of Water , one small Arm , and Shot.\n", "\n", "Ford Fusion is a name used on two different models of cars from the Ford Motor Company.\n", "\n", "a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin\n", "\n", "However , it has come over time to have a much more significant meaning to the player and fans.\n", "\n", "I have a joke about pizza and a broken pencil. Unfortunately it's cheesy and pointless\n", "\n", "French official calls on Paris to send troops to Calais over migrants \n", "\n", "Two and three are the only two consecutive prime numbers.\n", "\n", "It is a large , crow-sized falcon , with a blue-gray back , barred white underparts , and a black head and `` moustache ''.\n", "\n", "That is one of the oldest open questions in computer science.\n", "\n", "Geno Smith went to throw a punch back, but it was short a few yards.\n", "\n", "Terrain affects surface water flow and distribution.\n", "\n", "Instead of having many teeth that are frequently replaced , mammals have one set of baby teeth and later one set of adult teeth which fit together precisely.\n", "\n", "Falling in love is like riding a bike. There's always a chance you might get run over.\n", "\n", "Of all the typos I've seen on here, \"terrorists synthesizer\" is one of my favourite.\n", "\n", "Changed the computer password to \"keepquiet\" because that's something my girlfriend does not know how to do.\n", "\n", "What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car in front of an abortion clinic? Going in and asking for a coat hanger.\n", "\n", "A little over two years later the family moved to another farm in the Hodgenville area.\n", "\n", "He thereafter spent much of his time in Britain and the United States.\n", "\n", "U.S. offers Turkey technology to block Islamic State at Syria border \n", "\n", "ME, 10: I want to live in the forest with the wildlife & use blueberries as currency\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME, 20: I want a big house with an attractive spouse & a big pile of money\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME, 30: I want to live in the forest with the wildlife & use blueberries as currency\n", "\n", "Magnitude 6.6 quake hits southeast of Malaga, Spain: USGS \n", "\n", "Much of the water carried by these streams is diverted.\n", "\n", "What did the woman say to the vampire when she woke up with her period? \" I made you breakfast in bed!\"\n", "\n", "U.S.-Russia draft calls for Syria ceasefire to start Feb. 27 \n", "\n", "At that time the old district became a division.\n", "\n", "is this what partying in Ibiza feels like? am I raver?\n", "\n", "Twitter is my Walmart: I make fun of you but I’m here too.\n", "\n", "Pinewood Group, studio home of James Bond, could be put up for sale \n", "\n", "Biden urges U.S. business in Davos to lean on anti-gay states: \n", "\n", "the only constant in this world is the brown sugar cinnamon pop-tart\n", "\n", "Asia stocks rise as risk appetite returns; data boost: \n", "\n", "Obama tells GOP senators: 'Do your job': \n", "\n", "What sits at the bottom of the sea and shivers? A nervous wreck.\n", "\n", "Sometimes when a tweet falls flat I’ll just pop on over to Words With Friends and get my ass kicked there too, thus providing a tidy bookend to my overall online experience.\n", "\n", "I love my alarm clock. It's the reason I get up in the morning.\n", "\n", "So I was steering a boat with my stomach muscles. Abseiling\n", "\n", "U.N. draft calls for 12-month mission to verify Colombia peace deal \n", "\n", "The inventor of the world's first organic coffins made entirely out of vegetables has died. May he rest in peas.\n", "\n", "the selection of dipping sauces at this wake is exceptional\n", "\n", "Former JPMorgan trader says 'London Whale' debacle not his fault \n", "\n", "it’s all fucked. charlie should’ve been IMMEDIATELY disqualified for stealing fizzy lifting drink. done. and willy knew they’d stolen it THE WHOLE TIME! augustus lost because he drank from the chocolate river in the room where willy said “EVERYTHING IS EDIBLE?!” such bullshit.\n", "\n", "FIFA ethics committee bans Valcke for 12 years. Details - \n", "\n", "Have you seen the price of velcro? It's a ripoff!\n", "\n", "Where gives the nth d-dimensional simplex number.\n", "\n", "[my first day as a police sketch artist]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "POLICE CHIEF: again, the tiny body riding a surfboard is not necessary\n", "\n", "wanted to do a photoshoot in my favorite shirt\n", "\n", "Went to the park today to play frisbee with my dog but it was no fun. I need a flatter dog\n", "\n", "In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.\n", "\n", "There Are More Ways To The Wood Than One\n", "\n", "me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i knew it\n", "\n", "How to survive high-powered yachting: hang on and don't touch anything \n", "\n", "stuff is obsessed with costing like $12\n", "\n", "So if then the dash will be one em in length , if it will be two em long and so on.\n", "\n", "me: do you think chewbacca has pecs or a trail of tiny teats like a piglet\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "uber driver: why did you sit in the front\n", "\n", "Good Girl Gone Bad was released through Def Jam Recordings on May 30 , 2007 . Rihanna re-released the album with a double-disc deluxe edition package titled Good Girl Gone Bad : Reloaded in June 2008.\n", "\n", "Went to open mic night and it was just some dude talking about his life.\n", "\n", "Torrential rain in January 2007 took about six weeks to reach the lake but put only a small amount of water into it.\n", "\n", "If you spin a Chinese man around a hundred times does he get disoriented?\n", "\n", "Also , some studies have found increased health benefits for red wine over white wine , though other studies have found no difference . Red wine contains more polyphenols than white wine , and these are thought to be particularly protective against cardiovascular disease.\n", "\n", "10: Where are the Oreos?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: What Oreos?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "10: The ones you got. The ones for the 50th anniversary of the moon landing.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [through a mouthful of cookies] That didn’t happen.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "10: What? I saw you buy them.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [taking a big sip of milk] It was a hoax.\n", "\n", "In order to change one 's name , one must apply for the relevant deed poll to be entered on the College 's registers and published in the London Gazette.\n", "\n", "Dear kids, those presents were not from Santa, they were from your parents. Sorry to disappoint.\n", "\n", "Isn’t it weird how Greenland is icy and Iceland is where my wife moved when she left me\n", "\n", "Households headed by single males are disproportionately found in the middle three quintles ; single females head households concentrated in the bottom three quintiles.\n", "\n", "His madrigals include Weep , weep o mine eyes and Draw on , sweet night.\n", "\n", "I just stole a guys wallet and he chased me for almost three miles. I gave him a good run for his money.\n", "\n", "And Green Day are as good as this stuff gets . ''\n", "\n", "Trump takes calculated risk with decision to skip debate \n", "\n", "You don't have to change that one anymore.\n", "\n", "Iran boosts oil output, foreign firms eager for deals \n", "\n", "China's Ai Weiwei pulls Danish exhibitions in protest at migrant law \n", "\n", "There’s a one hundred percent chance if you put water in a pot and put it on the stove and walk away to do some other stuff it will not boil until you turn the stove on.\n", "\n", "Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class. \r\n", "\r\n", "Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.\n", "\n", "Kennedy ran , firing as he sought cover moving from tree to tree.\n", "\n", "One version of the trap runs 1.\n", "\n", "Michigan Uber driver does not enter plea at arraignment, says he prefers to \"remain silent.\"\n", "\n", "Me: can I get a 12 inch sub?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Naval officer: ok, but they're usually a lot bigger\n", "\n", "The cool thing about Ikea furniture is that you can reconfigure it into your coffin in 437 simple steps\n", "\n", "Whoever said nothing was impossible never tryed slamming a revolving door.\n", "\n", "Legionnaires' spike in Michigan county dealing with water crisis: \n", "\n", "When Susie had kittens , two of them were born with folded ears , and one was acquired by William Ross , a neighbouring farmer and cat-fancier.\n", "\n", "Greek PM offers talks on pension reform, rebuffed by farmers: \n", "\n", "Seen in U.S.S.R: \"The last person to leave the country is asked to turn the ligths off.\"\n", "\n", "[ asteroid approaching earth ]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *slapping baseball mitt*\n", "\n", "U.S. jobless claims up, but trend points to firming labor market\n", "\n", "Cameron heads for 'now or never' talks to keep Britain in EU \n", "\n", " Apple shares down 3.2 percent at $97.47 premarket, set to touch lowest level since August 24 'flash crash' \n", "\n", "friend: you need to stop eating chips\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: listen I know they’re not the best for me but I’ll live how I want\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Casino security: seriously, stop\n", "\n", "Two episodes were taped every other Tuesday , airing them on the subsequent Saturday.\n", "\n", "Anyways I came back on. (Then was fired again and rehired, maybe even two more times.) Two weeks into production, Barry said to me \"I think Tommy finally figured out he was in a comedy.\" I think the fact that he didn't know is what him so great in it. And he was great, I thought.\n", "\n", "i’m a textbook tuckold. i like to watch other people tuck in my loved ones. a wholesome tuck is all i ask\n", "\n", "Apple's Tim Cook opposes court order to unlock iPhone.\n", "\n", "What do they call spiders in the Middle East? Iraqnids\n", "\n", "The musicians to have rest on the Sabbath Day , but the other six days and nights , none without special favor.\n", "\n", "I think Democrats are vastly underestimating the ways a corrupt and lawless president can use the powers of the presidency itself to cheat in an election.\n", "\n", "Haiti postpones Carnival as president steps down amid unrest \n", "\n", "I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.\n", "\n", "Old Faithful was named in 1870 during the Washburn-Langford-Doane Expedition and was the first geyser in the park to receive a name.\n", "\n", "Sanders concedes to Clinton\n", "\n", "Gashole: A jerk who drives something that consumes a lot of gas.\n", "\n", "All Work And No Play Makes Jack A Dull Boy\n", "\n", "I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.\n", "\n", "Hugh Walkman: equally strong calf muscles. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Hugh Jackman: one forearm arm bigger than the other.\n", "\n", "Dolphins swim beside several tuna species.\n", "\n", "Alchemists had a way of extracting tree memories from sap and showing them like films but they were so goddamn sad that the technology was destroyed and that's why a sentimental person is called a \"too goddamn sad tree memories\"\n", "\n", "guys what should i do today i already did the laundry and the dishes and it’s too hot to hike pls reply\n", "\n", "[9 o’clock on a Saturday]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "THE REGULAR CROWD: *shuffles in*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "PIANO MAN: hi guys! good to see y—\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "THEM: do a song, music boy\n", "\n", "The greatest @SheaSerrano story? Hard to say, but maybe. Your wife is the GOAT!\n", "\n", "[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.\n", "\n", "MORE: Iran has two U.S. Navy boats in custody and has told the U.S. the crew will be returned promptly: U.S. official\n", "\n", "A pirate’s long distance girlfriend is his land ho\n", "\n", "Stallone has been married three times.\n", "\n", "On the second day , he discovered that when he made the fire hotter with bellows , certain stones sweated iron , silver or gold.\n", "\n", "After a bad day I came home to find that somebody has ripped the front and back pages from my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse.\n", "\n", "He was born in Batumi , Georgia.\n", "\n", "If all men are the same, why do women take so long to find one?\n", "\n", "I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.\n", "\n", "It was founded and run by Sir Frank Williams and Patrick Head.\n", "\n", "Knock, knock. Who's there? Adore. Adore who? A door is between us. Open up!\n", "\n", "Niue uses the New Zealand dollar.\n", "\n", "EPA says response to Flint water crisis too slow \n", "\n", "EU's Tusk hopes for Brussels deal on Britain's reform demands \n", "\n", "her: what should we do for our date tonight\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: {remembers that girls like to be descaled every 6 weeks} well I’ve got white vinegar under the sink if you need descaling\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: what\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: {remembers I sometimes think of Keurig maintenance tips accidentally when I’m nervous} oh no\n", "\n", "Elections gains unlikely to shift Iran power balance fast \n", "\n", "the name 'Dig Dug' commands respect for two reasons: 1.) can dig (skill) and 2.) has dug (experience)\n", "\n", "Me: You should have been more specific\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: ok that does make more sense\n", "\n", "Dweet: (v) Tweeting while intoxocated.\n", "\n", "Their book therefore offers bare facts and little in the way of interpretation.\n", "\n", "Give a man a fire, and he is warm for the rest of the day. Set a man on fire, and he is warm for the rest of his life.\n", "\n", "Never Try To Prove What Nobody Doubts\n", "\n", "Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.\n", "\n", "Jamaica's opposition wins general election as voters tire of austerity \n", "\n", "I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour. \"No way. That's impossible!\" she said. \"Trust me,\" I said, \"I have no idea where our baby is.\"\n", "\n", "Even if there is nothing to say, that hasn't stopped some people.\n", "\n", "The stop-and-go generator consists of two LFSRs.\n", "\n", "Yesterday a clown held a door open for me, I thought it was a nice Jester.\n", "\n", "STUPIDEST LETTERS:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "C – nothing a k or s can’t handle\r", "\r", "\r\n", "X – same as ks or z\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Q – needs a u anyway so just be kw\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "STUPIDEST LETTER COMBOS:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "PH – it’s just an f\r", "\r", "\r\n", "GH – srsly what even is this\r", "\r", "\r\n", "OUGH – bough, cough, dough jfc make up your mind\r", "\r", "\r\n", "TION – just shorten it to sh already\n", "\n", "See alto clef.\n", "\n", "George Michael has been found with a chocolate bar up his arse. Apparently it was a careless wispa.\n", "\n", "asking for a vodka cran and getting a receipt for $17\n", "\n", "Red Cross delivers food, medicine to besieged Syrian town \n", "\n", "I got a Marshalls gift card for Father’s Day so don’t point it out if you notice my swim trunks are slightly irregular.\n", "\n", "One of the first European exports , the horse , changed the lives of many Native American tribes on the Great Plains , allowing them to shift to a nomadic lifestyle based on hunting bison on horseback.\n", "\n", "Don't judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes\n", "\n", "Which word in the Dictionary is always spelled wrong? Wrong.\n", "\n", " Billionaire Lasry's junk fund stops reporting asset levels amid turmoil \n", "\n", "me: *responds maybe to a fb event*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY\n", "\n", "Today , Arabian bloodlines are found in almost every modern breed of riding horse.\n", "\n", "Better Be The Head Of A Dog Than The Tail Of A Lion\n", "\n", "Why doesn't God like pizza? Because he doesn't exist.\n", "\n", "UK manufacturing slumps: \n", "\n", "Alright, apparently we're more divided than I thought. Here are the top three contenders based on people's (unsolicited) feedback. So, for the sake of world peace, which is the funniest word in the English language? Hint: It's noodle.\n", "\n", "Put a \"no U-turn\" sign in a dead-end street.\n", "\n", "ME: I’m going to take some melatonin to help me sleep a little better \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MELATONIN: *in director’s chair* okay fucked up dream time - SO,,, you’re on a cruise ship that’s also a crashing airplane\n", "\n", "Now it is Tesla's turn to confront the bears \n", "\n", "The early Spartans believed helmets were unnecessary and boxing prepared them for the inevitable blows to the head they would receive in battle.\n", "\n", "What have George Michael and wellies got in common? They both get sucked off in bogs.\n", "\n", "See hiddenStructure \\* /.\n", "\n", "I’d give anything to be a retired governess living in a seaside cottage. Each morning I’d feed the chickens and write letters in my cozy study, and at night I would walk my chocolate lab by the beach waiting for my sailor husband to return from the sea.\n", "\n", "For veteran Turkish smuggler, only an army could stop migrant flow \n", "\n", "Little Strokes Fell Great Oaks\n", "\n", "I'm going to buy some velcro for my shoes instead of laces. Why knot?\n", "\n", "Mirza successfully qualified for the Toray Pan Pacific Open in Tokyo but lost in the first round to Zheng Jie.\n", "\n", "His name was Van Gogh . ''\n", "\n", "However , many of the tribes soon considered that they had exchanged one form of occupation for another and events elsewhere in India also encouraged an uprising.\n", "\n", "In some appearances , Daisy is presented as a close friend of Minnie Mouse.\n", "\n", "was just thinking about how someday nostalgia is going to trick these kids into thinking this was the best time of their lives\n", "\n", "North Korea says successfully conducts first H-bomb test: \n", "\n", "Seabirds are birds that have adapted to life within the marine environment.\n", "\n", "Top Vatican cardinal says pope backs him on stance over abuse issue \n", "\n", "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.\n", "\n", "[spits out Mountain Dew] this tastes NOTHING like mountain\n", "\n", "I got fired for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer at work. She got fired too. Sorry for gherkin your chain.\n", "\n", " Apple's iPhone sales grow by 0.4 percent, lowest rate since the product's 2007 launch\n", "\n", "my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away\n", "\n", "Lake Huron is one of the five Great Lakes of North America.\n", "\n", "This ancient wildebeest cousin boasted a bizarre dinosaur-like trait: \n", "\n", "Sorry cam girls but unless you're live streaming a brisket slow cooking, I'm out.\n", "\n", "What did the biologist wear on his first date? Designer genes.\n", "\n", "In turn , JBL announced that Mysterio would face off against Mark Henry later that night.\n", "\n", "UPDATE: Major 7.9 magnitude quake strikes southwest of Indonesia - USGS - \n", "\n", "me: i got the job! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "him: that’s great!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: not for you...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "him: why\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i’m an assassin :/\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "him: oh, i’m the job :/\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: yeah sorry :/\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "him: it’s fine i get it :/\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: thanks man :/\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "him: no problem :/\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [murders him] :’(\n", "\n", "My mate says,I remember my very first date with my wife,can u?\r\n", "\"Yeah,\"I replied,she was wearing sexy red lingerie,then u closed the curtains\n", "\n", "A normal tennis game takes place between two of the three contestants.\n", "\n", "White House turns to Pentagon in major background checks overhaul \n", "\n", "Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.\n", "\n", "Protrusion of the tongue is achieved by contracting circular muscles that change the shape of the tongue and force it forwards and contracting two genioglossal muscles attached to the caudal end of the tongue and to the mandible.\n", "\n", "Interviewer: your resume says you're very literal \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: my resume talks??\n", "\n", "Havel's architect Borek Sipek dies aged 66 \n", "\n", "French PM says Brexit would be tragedy:\n", "\n", "There are many five-dollar coins , of aluminium/bronze and bi-metal , and many silver and gold bullion coins in higher denominations.\n", "\n", "Her first independent production was Diamonds and Guns , a romantic comedy about two friends who go to Las Vegas to find true love.\n", "\n", "Girl in wheelchair sits silently at shut Macedonian border for hours \n", "\n", "What is this?? A cinderella carriage for ANTS?!\n", "\n", "Oh good Lord.\n", "\n", "In 1994 for the first time two women were elected into government.\n", "\n", "If you DID NOT learn about Juneteenth in school, RT this, I’m really trying to see something.\n", "\n", "My Dad pulls me aside on prom night:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“Remember, of all the super heroes and villains, Magneto is the one you need to be worried about. All he needs is a little bit of metal. Iron is in your blood! YOU become the weapon! Anyway, what are you so dressed up for?”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Happy Fathers Day\n", "\n", "Karin Gayer was born in May 1969 in Mödling while she is living today in Vienna.\n", "\n", "He used another pen name for novels.\n", "\n", "Britain's campaign to leave EU takes 4 percent point lead: ORB poll \n", "\n", "The Bank of Japan has stunned markets with surprise move to negative interest rates: \n", "\n", "I'm not saying I'm lazy, I'm just saying I do all of my gardening in the produce section of the grocery store.\n", "\n", "I drink alone , for no friend is near.\n", "\n", "Why did the little girl fall off the swings? Because she has no arms.\n", "\n", "Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I'm worried I'll be a terrible father\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Therapist: how many kids do you have?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: like 3 I think\n", "\n", "I was hanging with a group of friends this morning when I realised.. I probably shouldn't have joined a suicide cult.\n", "\n", "U.S. government sources say bomb likely caused Somalia plane blast: \n", "\n", "In the early days , Nickel Creek released two albums : Little Cowpoke in 1993 , and Here to There in 1997.\n", "\n", "UK arrests teen suspected of hacking CIA chief \n", "\n", "As Old As The Hills\n", "\n", "Imagine if humans built homes with their mouths like birds do\n", "\n", "A seesaw is a long , narrow board pivoted in the middle so that , as one end goes up , the other goes down.\n", "\n", "What do you call a guy with no arms or legs. On the floor? - Matt. In the sea? - Bob In a hole? - Phil\n", "\n", "Islamic State militants forced out of Libya's Sabratha after clashes: officials \n", "\n", "why buy a white noise machine when you can just date a caucasian man for free\n", "\n", "I remember 2012 like it was yesterday..\n", "\n", "What is the same about Netflix and diarrhea? They both stream instantly.\n", "\n", "I was running late to work today but I sat in the parking lot so I could send him this\n", "\n", "I feel like I could write a love song if I wrote it about how I feel about cheese and then changed everytime I said “cheese” to the appropriate pronoun.\n", "\n", "Oliwa stayed at that intensity for over two days.\n", "\n", "UK watchdog says won't let pension freedoms become next mis-selling scandal \n", "\n", "I just got a hair cut. Now I'm thinking about getting all the others cut too.\n", "\n", "Mississippi River crest rolls toward Tennessee; singer's body found \n", "\n", "Italy prepares new adoption law including gay couples, opposition firm \n", "\n", "The man who invented Chinese whispers has died. Pass it on...\n", "\n", "Several detachments make up a company.\n", "\n", "Me and my limbo team go way back.\n", "\n", "ok i’m going back to america tomorrow so it’s officially time to say goodbye to rocky (abroad) and hello to rox and roll :( \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \\ /\r", "\r", "\r\n", " \\ /\r", "\r", "\r\n", " ⇂\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: :)\n", "\n", "People can be so full of crap. They should consider a laxative.\n", "\n", "In science fiction , the Three Laws of Robotics are a set of three rules written by Isaac Asimov , which almost all positronic robots appearing in his fiction must obey.\n", "\n", "i will finally admit it - i wish i had kept the spider-man costume\n", "\n", "Ex-IMF chief Rato faces trial over Spanish credit card use \n", "\n", "Mexican friends? I have Juan or two.\n", "\n", "Wills was born in 1835 near Gundagai , New South Wales to parents Horatio and Elizabeth , first of their nine children.\n", "\n", "Srebrenica general died of natural causes, war crimes court says \n", "\n", "An infinite sequence of letters may be constructed from elements of an alphabet as well.\n", "\n", "WHY DO MORONS ONLY GO TO MOVIES IN GROUPS OF 17 OR MORE? BECAUSE THE SIGN OUTSIDE STATES \" UNDER SEVENTEEN NOT ADMITED! \"\n", "\n", "Ned and Chuck fall in love again and he brings her home to live with him under the unique circumstances of their never being able to touch each other.\n", "\n", "[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.\n", "\n", "My mum said \"You treat this place like a hotel!\". She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'.\n", "\n", "For BC , make the number negative.\n", "\n", "Japan February flash manufacturing PMI shows growth slowing sharply as export orders shrink \n", "\n", "I think getting back together would take the lid off that and then could possibly change what ... to me seems like the perfect lifespan of the band.\n", "\n", "Jord\n", "\n", "Turkey, Israel close to deal on compensation over Mavi Marmara: Turkish official \n", "\n", "I distorted a Tortoise earlier..Now it's just an Oise.\n", "\n", "U.N.'s Ban says Burundi president agrees to dialogue to end political crisis \n", "\n", "One new nation has entered their Cup winner and second-placed football team : Montenegro.\n", "\n", "creator of He-Man: muscles \r", "\r", "\r\n", "exec: yes\r", "\r", "\r\n", "creator: sword\r", "\r", "\r\n", "exec: yes!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "creator: he rides a tiger \r", "\r", "\r\n", "exec: fuck me jeff you’re killin it \r", "\r", "\r\n", "creator: bangs \r", "\r", "\r\n", "exec: ok\n", "\n", "Why can't little black kids play in sandboxes? Cats keep trying to cover them up\n", "\n", "freeze frame on man running through bazaar\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Jason Statham (VO): yeah. thass me. aladdin runnin frum the fuckin fuzz again\n", "\n", "In 1395 the Eski cami was built as one of the first in the Balkans.\n", "\n", "United States and China agree on the need for new U.N. measure on North Korea. More here: \n", "\n", "Extraterrestrial life is defined as life which does not originate from planet Earth.\n", "\n", "A Silent Fool Is Counted Wise\n", "\n", "FTSE lifted by bank recovery and Rolls-Royce rally: \n", "\n", "In the episode , Mr. Burns falls ill and desperately needs a blood transfusion.\n", "\n", "The festival take place at Rockefeller Music Hall.\n", "\n", "As noted , the formal time limit on questioning was removed early in the show 's run , and time limits were set more for entertainment.\n" ] }, { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "\n", "Today is officially spring which is a big day for those of us waiting to see if we have seasonal depression or depression depression.\n", "\n", "The first storm of the season , Allison lasted unusually long for a June storm , remaining tropical or subtropical for 15 days.\n", "\n", "My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books. He's only got his shelf to blame.\n", "\n", "Most litters are of one or two young , which stay in the pouch for 80 or 90 days , and first emerge from the nest about three weeks after that.\n", "\n", "Never get stuck behind the Devil in a Post Office queue! The Devil can take many forms.\n", "\n", "During the next two centuries it was burnt down twice.\n", "\n", "Explosion rocks waste treatment plant at Antwerp port \n", "\n", "The two entities may be of opposite sexes or not , or they may be hermaphroditic , as is the case with snails.\n", "\n", "Bought my girlfriend slippers and a dildo for Christmas. If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!\n", "\n", "me: who wants the ball?!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "french poodle: moi moi moi moi moi!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "german sheppard: ich ich ich ich!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "chihuahua: yo yo yo yo!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "english bulldog: oh bollocks, just throw the ball ya bloody wanker\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "boston terrier: ya, throw it, you fuck\n", "\n", "Polish Flag Day was first observed on May 2 , 2004.\n", "\n", "Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.\n", "\n", "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.\n", "\n", "Prominent Saudi cleric on Islamic State hit list is injured in Philippines shooting: \n", "\n", "A bed is a large piece of furniture used as a place to sleep.\n", "\n", "Barca ready to weave their magic at Arsenal - Luis Enrique \n", "\n", "Dead links in one or two languages are therefore no cause for concern.\n", "\n", "This song was adopted as the national anthem on May 11 , 1813 , three years after the `` May Revolution '' ; May 11 is therefore Anthem Day in Argentina.\n", "\n", "A nine-time Silver Slugger , and one of 25 people to have hit over 500 career home runs , he is well recognized for his strong offensive abilities.\n", "\n", "She chose to vote out Rafe , because she felt she would have a better chance in the final two against Stephenie ..\n", "\n", "What's the temperature in Motown right now? Three degrees, four tops.\n", "\n", "Every vector space has a basis.\n", "\n", "Carcoar was once one of the most important government centres in Western New South Wales.\n", "\n", "Honey I shrunk my penis\n", "\n", "How does Batman's mum call him to dinner? \"Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, Batman\"\n", "\n", "In Bus Stop , Monroe played Chérie , a saloon bar singer with little talent who falls in love with a cowboy.\n", "\n", "Turkish PM Davutoglu says Turkey respects Iraq's territorial integrity \n", "\n", "Like Galileo I too was fired from a daycare job for teaching kids to climb a tall tree and prove my theory of how the sun is making a noise.\n", "\n", "Carmakers eye twin-track product cycle to keep pace with technology \n", "\n", "A lesbian is just another woman trying to do a man's job.\n", "\n", "To Throw A Stone In One's Own Garden\n", "\n", "Americans among militant suspects detained in Saudi Arabia-paper \n", "\n", "Oil prices rise, signs mount that market is bottoming out \n", "\n", "Britain says EU reform talks will 'go to the wire' \n", "\n", "Knock, Knock. Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes the Police come out with your hands up.\n", "\n", "Got thrown out a strip club last night for using monopoly money. I don't see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.\n", "\n", "What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.\n", "\n", "him: babe what are you thinking about \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: killing santa\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "him: ... what\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *shrugging* killing santa\n", "\n", "Lilo wants to win the May Day hula contest like her Mom did in the 1970s , but Stitch continues to have outbursts.\n", "\n", "man: “how did you catch me”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: “a small boy drew a picture of you”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "man: “show it to me”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "man:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: “no”\n", "\n", "Only one thing keeps me from sticking to a diet. Food.\n", "\n", "Australia may crack down on Syrian refugees: leaked document \n", "\n", "Kerry says Laos keen to avoid militarization of South China Sea \n", "\n", "How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her like an alter boy.\n", "\n", "Blowjob tennis \r", "\r", "\r\n", "advice match meet-up\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " Don't forget\r", "\r", "\r\n", " the balls\n", "\n", "How can you spot the prostitute at the Miss America pageant? She's wearing a sash that says Idaho.\n", "\n", "Majority of Spaniards see new elections as inevitable: poll \n", "\n", "Lebanon struggles to help Syrian refugees with mental health problems \n", "\n", "The following day , Tod and Copper admit their mistakes and are friends again.\n", "\n", "the only constant in this world is the brown sugar cinnamon pop-tart\n", "\n", "We all heard the threats from Trump about possible ICE raids in Miami, DC, Baltimore Chicago and others, so now please share the following resources (available in several languages). \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "How Immigrants Can Protect Themselves \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "http://bit.ly/2AKq6PJ via @unitedwedream\n", "\n", "[releases an anti-vaxxer into the sewer] go. you’re free now\n", "\n", "If needing some personal room, join NASA, they'll give you plenty of space.\n", "\n", "My wife broke up with me recently because I'm a compulsive gambler. All I can think about is how to win her back.\n", "\n", "Truth Lies At The Bottom Of A Well\n", "\n", "Butterflies are not what they used to be.\n", "\n", "I've got a friend named Jay. We call him J for short.\n", "\n", "Two small rivers run through the town , the Skunk River and Squaw Creek.\n", "\n", "nintendo ds: you caught your first pokémon. what would you like to name it\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: dickbutt\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "nintendo ds: you want to name it dick butt\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: no. dickbutt, one word\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "nintendo ds: look dude i'm not naming it dickbutt\n", "\n", "[Interview]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Manager: Jay, where do you see yourself in 3- 5 years?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Well. Hmm. I guess I'm not sure\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Manager: There are no wrong answers\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Well, then I guess in mirrors. I don't see those being replaced in that time.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Manager: Okay. There is 1 wrong answer\n", "\n", "If I was a burglar, I would take a shower after every burglary. I want to be sure to get a clean getaway.\n", "\n", "I've been searching for my stolen bed for two days! I won't rest until I've found it.\n", "\n", "I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work\n", "\n", "Self Done Is Soon Done\n", "\n", "The Children 's Zoo contains an indoor structure for children to play in.\n", "\n", "Michigan Uber driver charged with killing six people admits to fatal shootings\n", "\n", "stepped outside cuz i smelled 2 farts. n a girl outside said “omg his farts smell so bad” and i said “omg i smelled it too it was so bad!!!” cuz i did smell it that’s why i stepped outside n she said “um that’s my husband.” then walked away. i can’t catch a fucken break man\n", "\n", "Soon after the loss the feud between the two ended.\n", "\n", "Sabotaged oil pipeline to Turkey to be repaired next week: source \n", "\n", "At my job I realized that some ass was giving names to all of the food in the refrigerator. Today I had a tuna sandwich named 'Bob'.\n", "\n", "What do you call a black man selling drugs? A pharmacist, you racist.\n", "\n", "Why didn't the skeleton show up to the party? He had no guts.\n", "\n", "La Mina lost again and Casaya chose Terry to go to Exile Island for the second time in a row.\n", "\n", "English football clubs' spending on players soars past £1 billion: \n", "\n", "Sartene has given its name to one of the southern-Corsican dialects that are most like the sardinian Gallurese dialect.\n", "\n", "What's worse than finding a fly in your soup?\r\n", "This punchline\n", "\n", "Pizza is like sex, when it is good it's VERY GOOD, when it's bad...it's still pretty good.\n", "\n", "What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyed-deer.\n", "\n", "Italy's Renzi to strip adoption rights from gay unions bill \n", "\n", "Every Country Has Its Customs\n", "\n", "Will Smith really looks like that guy from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.\n", "\n", "A dog walker was found dead in the local park, police have found the dog, but as of yet, they have no lead.\n", "\n", "me: I have simple, small dreams. to have a dog and a garden. to have my books and time to read them. perhaps the occasional vacation. maybe even healthcare. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "the economy:\n", "\n", "Walls Have Ears\n", "\n", "Productive Procrastination: The act of keeping busy with things that don't need to be done.\n", "\n", "North Korea tells U.N. agencies it plans to launch a satellite later this month: \n", "\n", "U.S. tightens visa waiver rules for visitors after Paris attacks \n", "\n", "South Sudan sides trade barbs over peace progress after sanctions threat \n", "\n", "First U.S. Zika virus transmission reported; has been attributed to sex, not mosquito bite: \n", "\n", "What did the letter say to the stamp? Stick to me and we'll go places.\n", "\n", "Warren Hastings was born at Churchill , Oxfordshire in 1732 to a poor father and a mother who died soon after he was born.\n", "\n", "\"What people here need to appreciate is SC has a total new crop of Dem primary voters. Yes, it's majority black. Yes, it's majority women. But we've got a lot of progressives thanks to Senator Bernie Sanders & the work that he's done, #OurRevolution\" - Gilda Cobb-Hunter #NotMeUs\n", "\n", "You know your out of shape when you get exhausted trying to get a gym membership.\n", "\n", "Take a whirlwind tour of the highlights in Motor City.\r\n", "\n", "\n", "How do the U.S. primary elections work? Here's a short explainer -\r\n", "\n", "\n", "[Evening News]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ANCHOR: …and now we go to Ken who's live in town with an update\r", "\r", "\r\n", "KEN: (surrounded by boys) Jim guess who just got back today\n", "\n", "It was first published in 2006.\n", "\n", "Here is a picture of what the cab may have looked like.\n", "\n", "The idea of the workhouse for the able bodied poor was first suggested in 1576.\n", "\n", "For wild dogs and other relatives of the dog , please move up to.\n", "\n", "Wall St. extends tech-led selloff - \n", "\n", "Never Too Much Of A Good Thing\n", "\n", "They are held annually and include , in chronological order , the Australian Open , the French Open , Wimbledon , and the US Open.\n", "\n", "Today I told my mom I broke into a homeless man house. She grounded me.p176\n", "\n", "People just don’t shout ‘criminently’ during a fit of frustration like they used to.\n", "\n", "After a few hours of skirmishing the Dhonds retreated with the loss of two or three of their men who had come within musket range of the British.\n", "\n", "After giving my son two karate lessons, he said he didn't want any more. Still, at least I got my car washed and my fence painted.\n", "\n", " Islamic State claims responsibility in online statement for \"twin\" attacks in Iraqi town that killed at least 20 people.\n", "\n", "In their center must be noticeable the specific pellet like structure which is the real seed without the fine coat.\n", "\n", "Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.\n", "\n", "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office. I will find you. You have my Word. \n", "\n", "My wife and I have what we call Olympic Sex! Sounds great doesn't it! It's not really, it only happens once every four years.\n", "\n", "Suffering from anxiety or depression?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Try new Cheer Up™\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Solve ALL your problems with ease by\r", "\r", "\r\n", "𝓒𝓱𝓮𝓮𝓻𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓤𝓹!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "And now introducing NEW Cheer Up™ for WOMEN: Calm Down™\n", "\n", "He had three sisters and one brother.\n", "\n", "Psychology - the art of pulling a habit out of a rat.\n", "\n", "Hiking is one of the fundamental outdoor activities on which many others are based . Many beautiful places can only be reached overland by hiking , and enthusiasts regard hiking as the best way to see nature.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? It had mittens.\n", "\n", "Several new train models followed the first , each generally with its own distinctive appearance.\n", "\n", "What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? Wataaaaah!\n", "\n", "None of the Olympic venues were damaged.\n", "\n", "Pipelines improve performance by allowing a number of instructions to work their way through the processor at the same time.\n", "\n", "What do you get when you cross a a rooster and a hoot owl? A cock that stays up all night.\n", "\n", "Though much of his work is categorized as lyric poetry , Longfellow experimented with many forms , including hexameter and free verse.\n", "\n", "As of today, I have been clean & sober for 8 years!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I couldn't do this alone, and I'm so grateful for everyone who is and has been there to help me kick drugs & alcohol. Thank you! \n", "\n", "How do you make a squirrel cry? Pinch it's nuts.\n", "\n", "The reason I don't watch Jersey Shore is because I can watch talking carrots on VeggieTales.\n", "\n", "See also : Connecticut College people.\n", "\n", "Syrian foreign minister warns Saudis against incursion, will be resisted \n", "\n", "So two dyslexics walk into a bra.\n", "\n", "Everything Is Good In Its Season\n", "\n", "me: *goin in for a kiss*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: *turning making it just a hug*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: don’t make this weird grandma\n", "\n", "me: [dead in the morgue] *one leg sticking out of bodybag*\n", "\n", "Virginia resident tests positive for Zika virus: AP \n", "\n", "Flights as long as 1800 kilometers have been recorded by birds in competition pigeon racing.\n", "\n", "Hostage negotiator: let one hostage go as a show of good faith\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, one of the hostages: [raising hand] ooh, pick me pick me!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bank robber: I'll let one go if you send in ten pizzas\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: [quickly lowers hand]\n", "\n", "Atheism is a non-prophet organization.\n", "\n", "Obama says he is cautious about latest Syria deal\n", "\n", "What do Transvestites do for Christmas? Eat, Drink, and be Mary\n", "\n", "What do you call a mathematician at the beach? A tan gent.\n", "\n", "Impact now airs every Saturday at 10:00 p.m.\n", "\n", "Ex-teacher faces Timbuktu monument destruction charges at ICC \n", "\n", "I've decided to take the day off today. From now on it will simply be known as 'To'\n", "\n", "My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING\n", "\n", "I've got an obsession with cats. My girlfriend is kicking meeeeowwwt.\n", "\n", "Anti-abortion activists indicted over Planned Parenthood covert videos: \n", "\n", "How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.\n", "\n", "Procrastination is like a credit card; it's a lot of fun until you get the bill.\n", "\n", "Judge lowers bond for 'affluenza' mom from $1 million to $75,000: \n", "\n", "Did you hear about the dyslexic rock star? He choked to death on his own Vimto.\n", "\n", "Why does Beyonce say \"To the left, to the left\"? Because black people have no rights.\n", "\n", "It was first held in 1928.\n", "\n", "people think i’m running out of whalefact ideas but then i tweet out bangers like\n", "\n", "India court sentences three to death for student rape, murder \n", "\n", "My mate Sid's been a victim of ID theft. He's now called 'S'\n", "\n", "Henry Ford was 40 years old when he founded the Ford Motor Company , which would go on to become one of the world 's largest and most profitable companies , as well as being one to survive the Great Depression . As one of the largest family-controlled companies in the world , the Ford Motor Company has been in continuous family control for over 100 years.\n", "\n", "It was then announced that the group 's first EP , The First Mini Album Gee , would be released in January 2009.\n", "\n", "A fool and his money are never around when you need them.\n", "\n", "My wife is finally losing weight thanks to a new slimming club. If she goes near the fridge, I hit her with it.\n", "\n", "Murder rate climbs in Mexico, while other crimes fall \n", "\n", "When the layers are separated , the strips make a characteristic `` ripping '' sound.\n", "\n", "I recently visited Satan and stole his wig. He said they'd be hell toupee.\n", "\n", "Let’s all fuck off at the exact same time and see what happens\n", "\n", "What do you call it when a chameleon won't change colors? A reptile dysfunction\n", "\n", "THE NEW GUY W THE BIG IDEAS: earthworms could be used as straws... like... from mouth to anus, you know?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "EVERYONE ELSE IN THE STARBUCKS MEETING: (vomiting everywhere)\n", "\n", "Rossi says he lost out to Indonesia \n", "\n", "My wife said that I only ever want sex with her when I'm drunk.That's not true!.. I usually want a kebab as well.\n", "\n", "Morgan Stanley's new president cements role as enforcer-in-chief \n", "\n", "It was at this time that the building was given its current name : Ungdomshuset.\n", "\n", "I'm going to start a beer brand and name it Responsibly.\n", "\n", "Cinderella II : Dreams Come True is the first direct-to-video film sequel to the 1950 Disney film Cinderella.\n", "\n", "Candidates promise peace ahead of Central African elections \n", "\n", "Well , see you later.\n", "\n", "I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”\n", "\n", "Benin prime minister gets opposition support for presidential election \n", "\n", "Me as an empath on twitter:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Log the fuck off\n", "\n", "Al Qaeda attack dents Burkina Faso's hopes of recovery \n", "\n", "DONALD GLOVER\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ONALD GLOVE\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ONAL LOVE\r", "\r", "\r\n", "NAL LOV\r", "\r", "\r\n", "AL LO\r", "\r", "\r\n", "A L\r", "\r", "\r\n", "IA LA\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HIA LAB\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SHIA LABEO\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SHIA LABEOUF\n", "\n", "South Sudan president Kiir appoints rival Machar as vice president \n", "\n", "The only plastic surgery I'll ever give my wife is cutting up her credit cards.\n", "\n", "[first day as a gardener]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "boss: collect the leaves\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ok\r", "\r", "\r\n", "boss: not the ones in the trees\n", "\n", "How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.\n", "\n", "After his death , the judgement was ultimately reversed on appeal and a new trial was ordered , but it never took place.\n", "\n", "A massive snowstorm is poised to wallop the U.S. East Coast. Find out more: \n", "\n", "Vietnam Communist Party re-elects Trong as leader \n", "\n", "Why don't dentists display their awards? Because they want to prevent plaque build-up.\n", "\n", "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.\n", "\n", "Just in Tesco and I put my veggies in with my Nintendo. Now my Wii smells of asparagus.\n", "\n", "do u guys have any idea how much work i put in making sure my tweets are in lower case so it looks like i don’t invest my entire self esteem into each one\n", "\n", "Despite Grammy performance snafu, Adele regains Billboard top spot \n", "\n", "The people who make medicine clearly do not know what fruit tastes like.\n", "\n", "There's no future in time travel.\n", "\n", "Anger And Haste Hinder Good Counsel\n", "\n", "I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.\n", "\n", "None So Blind As Those Who Won't See\n", "\n", "Putin probably approved London murder of ex-KGB agent Alexander Litvinenko: British inquiry. \n", "\n", "Who Breaks, Pays\n", "\n", "Penner was born in Winnipeg , Manitoba.\n", "\n", "Einstein's gravitational waves detected in scientific milestone \n", "\n", "Louis married three times.\n", "\n", "WAFFLE HOUSE EMPLOYEE: I know we're open 24 hours but it's been 3 days, please leave\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [gazes out window and locks eyes with the wolf that's been patiently stalking me for weeks]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [turns back to WH employee] I'm good here, thanks\n", "\n", "Billions pledged for Syria as tens of thousands flee bombardments \n", "\n", "'Spotlight' takes top Academy Award, #OscarsSoWhite other big winner: \n", "\n", "I saw this really fit girl in the nightclub last night and she was wearing a chessboard patterned shirt. So, I made a move on her.\n", "\n", "A Blind Leader Of The Blind\n", "\n", "Car bomb kills two policemen in Russia's restive Dagestan \n", "\n", "Think Today And Speak Tomorrow\n", "\n", "Let comradeship and fervent hope With one voice make us pray Auspicium Melioris Aevi With God to guide the way.\n", "\n", "Obama urges Russia to stop bombing 'moderate' Syria rebels: \n", "\n", "Louder Than Love spawned the EP Loudest Love and the video compilation Louder Than Live , both released in 1990.\n", "\n", "The second storm struck just three days later.\n", "\n", "All are set at liberty - much to the dismay of Osmin , who would prefer to see them all brutally executed.\n", "\n", "My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.\n", "\n", "Four Americans held in Bahrain as island marks uprising anniversary \n", "\n", "Australian PM Turnbull losing shine ahead of elections \n", "\n", "I keep having a recurring nightmare where I'm surrounded by loads of pregnant women in labour.I think I may be having a midwife crisis..\n", "\n", "Judgments can be true or not true.\n", "\n", "Dumb Dogs Are Dangerous\n", "\n", "What do you call a person who delivers Indian food? Currier.\n", "\n", "For the guitar manufacturer see Carvin Corporation . For the late New Orleans political consultant see Jim Carvin.\n", "\n", "me: hi honey I got a hand job today\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: excuse me u what\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: I’m the new hamburger helper mascot\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: ohhh haha how'd u pull that off\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i let the casting director jerk me off\n", "\n", "What's black and white and red all over? An embarassed zebra.\n", "\n", "Denmark considers moving migrants to camps outside cities: \n", "\n", "Zimbabwe's Mugabe warns party members fighting over his succession \n", "\n", "I went to a restaurant yesterday and the waitress had a black eye. When I ordered I spoke very slowly, because clearly she didn't listen well.\n", "\n", "Imagine accepting an invitation to a birthday party, buying a gift and then finding out that they're having white cake with white frosting.\n", "\n", "Job interviewer: There is a gap in your résumé.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Clive: I was in prison for 5 years.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Job interviewer: What did you do?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Clive: Sat in my cell, mainly.\n", "\n", "It took place on March 14 , 2004 at Madison Square Garden in New York.\n", "\n", "Life Is Not All Cakes And Ale (Beer And Skittles)\n", "\n", "The 1993 Formula One season was the 44th FIA Formula One World Championship season.\n", "\n", "Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box.\n", "\n", "Was always a bit fuzzy, as a child, on the political situation in Babar's kingdom. And I sure as fuck don't plan on learning now\n", "\n", "British PM Cameron to allow ministers to campaign for EU exit \n", "\n", "The name Kintore comes from the Gaelic , Ceann-an-torr.\n", "\n", "Group seeks Trump apology after Muslim woman ejected from rally \n", "\n", "boomers: stop complaining you just need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "millenials: we can't afford boots we can barely afford to stay alive\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "boomers: WHY ARE MILLENIALS KILLING THE BOOTSTRAP INDUSTRY\n", "\n", "The Wife was watching a cookery show. I said \"What the fuck you watching that for, you can't cook?\" She said \"You watch porn, you Fat Bastard\".\n", "\n", "Juan Ruiz de Alarcón y Mendoza , one of the greatest Novohispanic dramatists of the Golden Age , was born in New Spain.\n", "\n", "[movie date]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*we both reach for the popcorn at the same time*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*our fingers touch*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *slowly turns to her* get the fuck off my popcorn\n", "\n", "If a plane is an aircraft, does that make a broom a witchcraft?\n", "\n", "What is a ghost's favorite type of porn? Booooookake\n", "\n", "Headline: Suicidal twin accidentally kills sister\n", "\n", "Wise After The Event\n", "\n", "It rotates once every 5.27 hours.\n", "\n", "The Mrs got in the shower with me this morning. She said \"Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me\". So I put shampoo in her eyes.\n", "\n", "*admiring his food baby* I remember when that was just a deep-fried Twinkie in your eye.\n", "\n", "If adult diapers are called 'Depends', then baby diapers should be called 'Definitely'.\n", "\n", "EU nations, Turkey set to meet on Thursday on migration crisis \n", "\n", "You're living, you occupy space and have mass. What does that mean? You matter.\n", "\n", "How often did the asian cow go to the gym? Dairy\n", "\n", "My talking dog gave me a stick the other day and told me he found it 600 miles away.I thought that's a bit far-fetched.\n", "\n", "China says 'really needs' South China Sea defenses in face of United States: \n", "\n", "I just bought a new blindfold. Can't see myself wearing it though.\n", "\n", "When people tell me to make myself at home, I begin to yell invariably at the tv.\n", "\n", "[spelling bee]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "JUDGE: the word is \"gavel\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: can you use it in a sentence?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "JUDGE: [bangs fist on table] not since i was disbarred\n", "\n", "A Broken Friendship May Be Soldered, But Will Never Be Sound\n", "\n", "What did the man on the 100 MPH escalator say? \"Well that escalated quickly\" \n", "\n", "How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.\n", "\n", "The 200th anniversary of the founding of the buffalo sanctuaries will be marked by a Bisontennial celebration.\n", "\n", "Oil stabilizes on strong China demand data, but looming Iran exports still weigh on market \n", "\n", "Turkish soldier killed in operations against PKK \n", "\n", "The Deputy Commissioner , Miles Irving , did not know the background of these two men and suspected a deeper conspiracy , and so ordered the arrest of the two men.\n", "\n", "Bambi goes back to search for Faline , but she is being chased by hunting dogs.\n", "\n", "Homemade ginger beer may contain alcohol.\n", "\n", "Saudi Arabia may take more measures against Iran in execution row: foreign minister \n", "\n", "Our chemist was robbed of its stock of Viaga yesterday. Police are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.\n", "\n", "Knowledge is power\n", "\n", "Don't ever run away from your problems, unless your problem is being chased by a bear.\n", "\n", "Deianeira goes after Hercules to warns him and finds the three at the river bank.\n", "\n", "Did you know that people will let you over in traffic if you blow a kiss out the window loljk you have to force them into a ditch.\n", "\n", "However , the 2004 season exceeded these conventional limits slightly , as Tropical Storm Otto formed on the day before the last day of the season and lasted three days into December.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.\n", "\n", "Finally some good news\n", "\n", "Asia shares mostly firm, China sets yuan higher \n", "\n", "The bill , legs , and eyes are all black.\n", "\n", "What do you call a hooker who likes noodles? A Pastatute\n", "\n", "The sequel to Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy we deserve\n", "\n", "only 600 slim jims were made in 1992 and they just sit in gas stations\n", "\n", "teacher: your son was caught smoking pot\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: did he say where he got it?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "teacher: yes, his best friend\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [tearing up] he really said that?\n", "\n", "*spits out cauliflower beer* RAISINS?!\n", "\n", "[first time in a restaurant]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "waiter: good evening \r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: I love your house\n", "\n", "At one time , she co-hosted an infomercial for the AeroBed and has done infomercials for Rug Doctor carpet cleaning products.\n", "\n", "William Regal got his job back by being the first to join Vince McMahon 's infamous Kiss My Ass Club.\n", "\n", "Missing Hong Kong bookseller to give up British passport, denies being kidnapped \n", "\n", "I was the first person to injure themselves during The Safety Dance.\n", "\n", "Life advice: If you’re forty-five do not go on a trampoline\n", "\n", "I took the missus to a restaurant last night. I said \"do you like peppa pig?\". She said \"yeah\". I said \"waiter some pepper over here please\".\n", "\n", "Honda adds 2.2 million vehicles to Takata air bag recall \n", "\n", "Wanted to be a farmer at one time, but it turned out to be the wrong field for me.\n", "\n", "If you think about it long enough, you’ll see that it’s obvious.\n", "\n", "Two federal Migratory Bird Sanctuaries were founded on the island in 1961.\n", "\n", "What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath? Men toes.\n", "\n", "Hideki Matsui was named Most Valuable Player of the series , the first by a Japanese born player as well as the first player to win it as a full-time designated hitter.\n", "\n", "I keep a bat under my bed, that way if there’s an intruder, and it’s Dracula, the bat will fly out and say “whoa hold up, Drac, this guy’s cool, he’s my roommate.”\n", "\n", "My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.\n", "\n", "Man arrested with handguns at Disneyland Paris: \n", "\n", "Jamaican opposition winning photo-finish general election, provisional results show \n", "\n", "Germany's Schaeuble wants to foster Mideast strategy with Russia \n", "\n", "Pakistani Taliban kill nine paramilitary personnel in attacks in northwest \n", "\n", "Went shoplifting in a Disney Store. Got the biggest Buzz ever.\n", "\n", "My wife got me glow in the dark condoms and then expected me NOT to make lightsaber noises during sex. Women are a mystery.\n", "\n", "imagine being identified from this \n", "\n", "Why is chili so annoying? Because it's always Jalopeño business.\n", "\n", "How do you organize a space party? You planet.\n", "\n", "Later he produced a brief synopsis of the six-part film which would come , in one form or another , to be the final plan Eisenstein would settle on for his project.\n", "\n", "this is all a terrible tom clancy mini series don't fall for it\n", "\n", "Each person normally has one pair of sex chromosomes in each cell . Females have two X chromosomes , whereas males have one X and one Y chromosome.\n", "\n", "In 2004 , Evanescence 's new lineup released a DVD/CD compilation entitled Anywhere but Home.\n", "\n", "toy story 4 is my favorite movie about a suicidal fork\n", "\n", "Man: Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a wigwam and a tepee. Doctor: Calm down, you're two tents.\n", "\n", "U.N. says Syria ignored most of its requests to deliver aid \n", "\n", "What's grey and comes by the gallon? Elephants.\n", "\n", "Alexander Nestor Haddaway better known by his showbiz name Haddaway is a Trinidadian singer.\n", "\n", "Once I had a machine that made counterfeit pennies. I regret it now, but it made a lot of cents at the time.\n", "\n", "I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on. This one was written in London.\n", "\n", "Turkish and NATO radars detected Russian jet's airspace violation: Turkish PM \n", "\n", "Fed policymakers discussed changing interest rate path: minutes \n", "\n", "me: you have to try this @RayesMustard it’s incredible\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "mom: I don’t like mustard\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: what an awful way to find out I’m adopted\n", "\n", "How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only Juan.\n", "\n", "It’s only depression if it’s from the Dépression region of France, otherwise it’s just sparkling sadness.\n", "\n", "U.S. tells allies campaign to defeat Islamic State must be accelerated \n", "\n", "Korchnoi scored 7.5 - 0.5 in his first eight games , then drew his last three games.\n", "\n", "What do you get when you run over a goose? Goose bumps.\n", "\n", "Avoid alliteration...always.\n", "\n", "I've just won 8 straight games of Paper, Scissors, Rock, against that very predictable Edward Scissorhands.\n", "\n", "[wedding]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *from back* THEY'RE DOING A CASH BAR\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*priest drops bible*\n", "\n", "Center-right candidate on track to win Portugal presidential vote \n", "\n", "Me and my recliner go way back.\n", "\n", "What's the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag's a big plus.\n", "\n", "I wrote a song called \"We Don't Need Healthcare\" after reading that *incredibly* inspirational story of the two-year old whose family couldn't afford a walker for him so they built one out of parts at Home Depot! Wow :D!\n", "\n", "Tales from the Trail: Who would win if Hillary Clinton runs against Donald Trump? \n", "\n", "What do you call a cow that's had an abortion? Decalfinated\n", "\n", "Why don't mummies go on holiday? They're afraid to relax and unwind.\n", "\n", "Many of WCW 's top wrestlers had contracts with AOL Time Warner , WCW 's parent company , and were willing to sit at home rather than wrestle for less money.\n", "\n", "Paper production was a large contributor to the rise of the commune and was the main industry for a long period of time.\n", "\n", "isn't it crazy how in other countries they call it \"football\", but here in America we have concentration camps\n", "\n", "He That Will Eat The Kernel Must Crack The Nut\n", "\n", "Most porcupines are about 25 - long , with an 8 - long tail.\n", "\n", "When the Tsar was ill with typhoid , the little girl covered a miniature portrait of him with kisses every night.\n", "\n", "doctor: are you sexually active\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [drinking an entire glass of water]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my puppet: no\n", "\n", "Portugal nominates ex-refugee chief for U.N. secretary-general \n", "\n", "White was born in his grandfather 's vicarage at Selborne in Hampshire.\n", "\n", "I wonder if King-sized sheets are called Presidential-sized sheets in Europe..\n", "\n", "He never conducted live in public again.\n", "\n", "I don't like birthdays. Too many will kill you.\n", "\n", "[Monday]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I need to get in shape, eat right, and be a better role model\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[Slightly Later Monday]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, In the bathtub surrounded by Doritos:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dads busy, kiddo, go ask your mother.\n", "\n", "That's Where The Shoe Pinches! \n", "\n", "Stems can refer to two things in music , relating to music notation and production.\n", "\n", "Syrian army, allies gain more ground north of Aleppo \n", "\n", "Turkish prime minister to visit Iran this week \n", "\n", "My name is Joss \r", "\r", "\r\n", "I was born to be alone \r", "\r", "\r\n", "My age is so bad \r", "\r", "\r\n", "I like to know how much I can do to help you guys out\n", "\n", "Some EU migrants can be told where to live, top court rules \n", "\n", "U.N. invites warring parties to Syria talks this week: \n", "\n", "Meal vouchers and water feed FIFA jamboree as austerity bites \n", "\n", "I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.\n", "\n", "Many word search puzzles have a theme to which all the hidden words are related.\n", "\n", "\"How much for the solution to all my problems?\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "'Sir, that's a coffin.'\n", "\n", "I went up to Mr. T and said, \"I'm going to cook you a dessert.\" He said, \"Try fool!\" I said, \"No, strawberry cheesecake, actually.\"\n", "\n", "China cuts reserve requirement ratio for fifth time since February 2015: \n", "\n", "Knock, Knock. Who's there? Dishes. Dishes Who? Dishes just another bad knock knock joke.\n", "\n", "take a minute to appreciate what I just saw on the road.\n", "\n", "Stalin-era prison chief jailed for 20 years in Romania: \n", "\n", "I look around at the Matrix loading program, then at Morpheus. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“All right, riddle me this, Big Yoda. How is it more efficient feeding off biological output than just using the fuel provided to sustain those lives, cutting out the middle men who lose energy in the transfer?”\n", "\n", "Great minds think alike\n", "\n", "Hope Is The Poor Man's Bread\n", "\n", "The remaining three teams would complete the season.\n", "\n", "date: what do you do?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: I make tweets\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "date: are they any good\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: you’re in one right now\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "date: really\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: yeah check it out \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "date: *looks around* why is there so much cum\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: I really don’t know\n", "\n", "I decided to be depressed today, just for fun.\n", "\n", "Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea? Cos they dropped out of school.\n", "\n", "\"Spotlight\" wins Best Picture and other Oscars highlights: \n", "\n", "Gresham 's law is commonly stated : `` Bad money drives out good '' , but more accurately stated : `` Bad money drives out good under legal tender laws ''.\n", "\n", "Iran wants euro payment for new and outstanding oil sales - source \n", "\n", "Interstate 88 is 140.60 m long.\n", "\n", "Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.\n", "\n", "Teach a man to fish, and he will devise stories of a whale god, obsession, loss, madness.\n", "\n", "An Uncle died, left several hundred clocks to a niece, she's busy winding up the estate.\n", "\n", "Tommy who loves collecting needs ten dollars to buy a magic marble from another boy.\n", "\n", "Tennessee couple claim winning ticket for U.S. Powerball jackpot: NBC \n", "\n", "`` Tomorrow Never Knows '' is the sixth single released by Mr. Children on November 10 , 1994.\n", "\n", "Its tail feathers are iridescent blue-black with broad white tips on the outer two to three pairs.\n", "\n", "I did not fight my way up the food chain to be a vegetarian.p162\n", "\n", "Hear the noise of broken chains , see the noble Equality enthroned.\n", "\n", "Syrian rebels see flaws in U.S.-Russian truce plan: \n", "\n", "Congreenient: The practice of recycling, or being green, only when convenient. A person who only recycles when it is convenient to do so.\n", "\n", "Thompson recorded three shutouts in the five playoff games , and gave only three goals.\n", "\n", "*air horn sound*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*second air horn sound*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: \"This isn't deodorant.\"\n", "\n", "TREE: please leave me and my pet rock Aberdeen alone\n", "\n", "Anti-vaxxers, you’re telling me you won’t get one measley vaccine?\n", "\n", "Curiosity Killed A Cat\n", "\n", "Russia, Syrian army pound rebels ahead of fighting halt \n", "\n", "my best friend has decided not to name any of the boys she likes until they’re worthy of it. i keep hearing stories about WhatsHisNuts or Hot Alcoholic Guy or simply: Juul Pod. and i respect it.\n", "\n", "Former U.S. Marine held in Iran arrives home \n", "\n", "The units soon became non-standard and two were sold back to the manufacturer who exported them to Trinidad and Tobago.\n", "\n", "Why did the phone wear glasses? He lost his contacts.\n", "\n", "What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a mink. A fur coat with pockets.\n", "\n", "Every Mother Thinks Her Own Gosling A Swan\n", "\n", "On the other hand , the downfall of the provincial lady has place amidst two very diverse suitors : the most handsome man in the city and the cathedral 's priest.\n", "\n", "IATA says Bangkok airport a safety risk, needs urgent expansion -report \n", "\n", "Why did God give women vaginas? Because sheep can't cook.\n", "\n", "If you think your dog can't count, try putting three dog treats in your pocket and then give him only two of them.\n", "\n", "I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.\n", "\n", "Drug cartel battle kills 52 in northeastern Mexican prison: \n", "\n", "He was the first person to land a quadruple salchow in competition and the first person to land three quadruple jumps in one program.\n", "\n", "What's the square root of 69? Eight something.\n", "\n", "Why did Dracula's mother give him cough medicine? Because he was having a coffin fit.\n", "\n", "Never a Goth.\n", "\n", "It is established that Iolaus is getting married and that Hercules is the best man.\n", "\n", "My last wish with the genie was either for a brilliant memory or a huge penis. I forgot which one I chose.\n", "\n", "HSBC money laundering report's release likely delayed: U.S. judge \n", "\n", "Warne undone by slider as snake bites bowler on TV show: \n", "\n", "A team of sled dogs may consist of anywhere from three to two dozen dogs.\n", "\n", "(p + l)(a + n)=pa+pn+la+ln. We just foiled your plan.\n", "\n", "I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.\n", "\n", "Leicester rock Man City to race clear, Spurs second \n", "\n", "I was gonna nail a shelf to my wall, but then I thought Screw it!\n", "\n", "How do you make a woman blind? Put a windshield in front of her.\n", "\n", "China again lands planes on disputed island in South China Sea: Xinhua \n", "\n", "Sri Lanka appoints war winning army chief as minister \n", "\n", "My poo after one sip of coffee\n", "\n", "I bought my wife a Pug as a present. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.\n", "\n", "FRIEND: It's called cauliflower. It's not ghost broccoli.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.\n", "\n", "In addition , new segments `` ABC Time , '' `` Counting Time , '' `` Game Time , '' `` Story Time , '' and `` Hopping/Moving Time '' explore the episode theme or other skills in a playful way.\n", "\n", "Menstrual jokes are not funny. Period.\n", "\n", "I have an on again off again relationship with clothing.\n", "\n", "The only thing worse than paying $9 for a greeting card is paying $9 for a greeting card for a 3-year-old’s birthday party.\n", "\n", "Barking Does Seldom Bite\n", "\n", "don’t judge me until you’ve mall-walked a mile in my shoes alongside a group of heart healthy seniors we meet outside kitchen caboodle at 6:15am wednesdays and fridays\n", "\n", "Can you believe that my neighbor knocked at my door at 2AM!? Luckily, I was up playing my drums.\n", "\n", "South Korea says suspects North Korea may have attempted cyber attacks \n", "\n", "When they are brought to Dr. Valentine , the head scientist , he is acting like a dog.\n", "\n", "Make Or Mar\n", "\n", "Why was the computer tired when it got home? It was running all day. \n", "\n", "pole dancing is sexy because it looks like the pole dancer is flying all around in the air if i don't focus on the pole\n", "\n", "Why doesn't Smokey the bear have any kids? Every time his wife gets hot, he smacks her with a shovel.\n", "\n", "What's black and white and red all over? Certainly not the Halifax newspapers.\n", "\n", "[open casket funeral]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "woman (wailing): HE WAS A GOOD OPEN CASKET\n", "\n", "House fails to knock down Obama veto of anti-Obamacare bill \n", "\n", "All Cats Are Grey In The Dark (In The Night)\n", "\n", "Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the referee was blowing fowls.\n", "\n", " One killed, two injured after crane collapse in lower Manhattan. LIVE coverage: \n", "\n", "Delays Are Dangerous\n", "\n", "Sudanese flee militiamen they say are razing villages in Darfur \n", "\n", "Tomorrow is National Spit on Corey Lewandowski Day!\n", "\n", "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.\n", "\n", "I went to the caucus meeting, got bored, went home and decided to learn about government by listening to Rage Against the Machine.\n", "\n", "He had been speaking and writing of his own death in the days preceding his departure from home , but fell ill at the train station not far from home.\n", "\n", "VW faces billions in fines as U.S. sues for environmental violations: \n", "\n", "I used to think that my girlfriend not wearing any knickers under her skirt would be sexy, until I saw the skidmarks on my sofa.\n", "\n", "Extremely Glenn and Incredibly Close\n", "\n", "I promised my wife the earth today. But gave her the life and electrocuted her.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between your wages and your penis? You don't have to convince your wife to blow your wages.\n", "\n", "My new song “Butthole of the Tiger” is gross and not good\n", "\n", "CHARLIE: [gets golden ticket] Grandpa I want you to come to the factory with me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "GRANDPA: Thank you Charlie!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[they embrace]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "OTHER GRANDPA: *getting out of bed* Cool, guess I’ll go fuck myself\n", "\n", "Trump steps up his Fox News fight with derogatory 'bimbo' tweet: \n", "\n", "Republican Marco Rubio winning Wall Street fundraising race \n", "\n", "A 40-year-old man called me swell. What the heck do I do now?\n", "\n", "I want the writers of twitter to kill off my character\n", "\n", "Puts the \"oopid\" in \"stupid\"\n", "\n", "[about to have sex]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: I’m nervous \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: is this your first time \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: no I’ve been nervous many times\n", "\n", "China rout, oil gloom deepen losses in Asian shares: \n", "\n", "However , unlike fish , they do not have gills and must come to the surface regularly to breathe.\n", "\n", "Just had a look when Sinead O'Connor was last trending on Twitter. It's been 7 hours and 15 days.\n", "\n", "London designers call upon Shakespeare, nature for inspiration \n", "\n", "The 2008 Formula One season was the 59th FIA Formula One World Championship season.\n", "\n", "Had a fight last night with the wife, she threw a lettuce at me! That's just the tip of the iceberg.\n", "\n", "Me: is it ok if we have sex right now \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman\n", "\n", "I hate when people ask me what I'm see myself doing in 5 years. Its not like I have 2020 vision.\n", "\n", "Most people who wish a motherfucker would, have no idea what they’d do if a motherfucker did\n", "\n", "India's top court calls for improved compensation for rape victims \n", "\n", "COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Who? Me? I wasn't driving\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "COP: Is someone else in the vehicle?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: It was the ghost of my dad\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "COP: [arresting me]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "GHOST DAD: [under breath] I can't believe I raised a snitch\n", "\n", "The distances involved may be short or long.\n", "\n", "I almost got raped in jail. My family takes monopoly way too seriously.\n", "\n", "The first two were Buddhist Rajputs and the last two Hindu Brahmins.\n", "\n", "Viacom cuts Redstone pay due to reduced responsibilities; CEO pay rises \n", "\n", "I enjoy Mastercard on a piece of brioche with arugula, swiss, and a little dijon. On hot summer days I lick frozen Discover cards.\n", "\n", "Black Mirror: makes an episode about the music industry, and how it exploits its young stars, forcing them to make vapid, meaningless music at their own expense. \r", "\r", "\r\n", " Everyone:\n", "\n", "Uganda's Yoweri Museveni defends record in presidential debate \n", "\n", "When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are\n", "\n", "Reports of U.S. sailors' prompt release is speculation: Iran's Revolutionary Guards \n", "\n", "Anger grows in Saudi Arabia's Shi'ite areas after executions: \n", "\n", "mulan: when will my reflection show who i am inside? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "teen vampire: [ugly crying]\n", "\n", "The next turn then goes to the player to the left of the current player.\n", "\n", "Vulcan was among the gods placated after the Great Fire of Rome in AD 64.\n", "\n", "Alphabet passes Apple to become most valuable traded U.S. company \n", "\n", "waitress: are you sure you want an ambulance to come? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: there’s no way these are mild\n", "\n", "What does Zika mean for the Rio Olympics? \n", "\n", "Nine million people watch BBC Three every week.\n", "\n", "How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? AIDS.\n", "\n", "How do you find a blind man in a nudest colony? It isn't hard.\n", "\n", "Anger grows in Italy over covering nudes for Iran's Rouhani \n", "\n", "Brazil police include Lula in investigation of auto sector bills \n", "\n", "- How can you tell a Head nurse? The one with dirty knees\n", "\n", "Inglis describes the early Carrow Road as comprising `` a Main Stand , a covered end terrace and two large open banks ''.\n", "\n", "If moths like light so much, why don't they just come out during the day?\n", "\n", "Some Boeing, Airbus suppliers have cold feet about increasing production \n", "\n", "her: I hate guys that buy single use plastics\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me *trying to impress her*: I rinse out my condoms\n", "\n", "One of the company 's early successes was its distribution of the 1936 anti-Cannabis propaganda film Reefer Madness , which became a cult hit on American college campuses in the early 1970s.\n", "\n", "How many 11s does it take to change a lightbulb? 9. 9 11 changed everything.\n", "\n", "[me still wearin xbox headset while making a sandwich between matches] looks like I work at Wendy’s haha\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[wife putting on perfume to go to the grocery store] haha\n", "\n", "Seahorses have a coronet on their head , which is distinct to each seahorse , much like a human fingerprint.\n", "\n", "When ratified , this was to give Scotland its first Parliament for nearly 300 years.\n", "\n", "freaks and hitler\r", "\r", "\r\n", " geeks\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " cancelled\n", "\n", "Sir Run Run Shaw CBE , GBM is a Hong Kong media mogul.\n", "\n", "casting director: whenever you're ready\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: the name's bond... james bond\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: no\n", "\n", "Fed to hike twice in 2016, undeterred by external risks: Reuters poll\n", "\n", "Whenever I’m sad, I just wait for a really smart person to tell me it could be worse and that I should be grateful, and then I feel better.\n", "\n", "Jason Rezaian and other U.S. prisoners arrive in Germany after Iran prisoner swap: \n", "\n", "[after sending daughter to her grandparents house for the day]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cleans house\r", "\r", "\r\n", "does laundry \r", "\r", "\r\n", " draws a horse/duck hybrid\n", "\n", "If God meant for us to be naked, he would have fit our skin better on.\n", "\n", "Why is abbreviation such a long word?\n", "\n", "The Last Olympian revolves around the demigod Perseus Jackson as he leads his friends in a last stand to protect Mount Olympus.\n", "\n", "Why do people always say that nothing rhymes with orange? When it doesn't!\n", "\n", "House backs tighter North Korea sanctions, sends bill to Obama \n", "\n", "[my papercut slowly heals over the course of two weeks]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ᶦ ᵃᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ᵂᵒˡᵛᵉʳᶦⁿᵉ\n", "\n", "Kerry in Albania to encourage anti-corruption reforms \n", "\n", "Travel agency in isolated Gaza recalls the 'golden' 1950s \n", "\n", "Several remixes of `` Say My Name '' were issued alongside the original version.\n", "\n", "Yo Mama is so fat her BMI is measured in acres.\n", "\n", "This is what my drunk mind ha s created you’re welcome\n", "\n", "Some high-end slide rules have magnifying cursors that make the markings easier to see.\n", "\n", "RAP: Retards Attempting Poetry\n", "\n", "Olympian Sarah Ayton carves out new career as Extreme Sailing coach \n", "\n", "Winter's coming, time to take off the stained satin sheets.\n", "\n", "Why did the ghost go into the elevator? To lift his spirits. \n", "\n", "The worst thing about having more money than sense is probably the fact I don't have very much money.\n", "\n", "Other products include My First Britannica , aimed at children ages six to twelve , and the Britannica Discovery Library , written for children aged three to six.\n", "\n", "[spelling bee]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Your word is 'condescending'\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"Can you use it in a sentence?\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Of course I can. Can YOU?\n", "\n", "Clinton and Sanders go after minority votes - \n", "\n", "Once the changeling mother and the changeling have drained the life from the human mother and child , the changeling and its mother begin to search for a new suitable food source.\n", "\n", "If a bunch if midgets did a wave, would it be called a ripple?\n", "\n", "Harlan was named for one of Iowa 's early U.S. Senators , James Harlan.\n", "\n", "What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it his a windscreen? It's arse!\n", "\n", "Tech executives, U.S. officials to confer on militants' social media use \n", "\n", "Russia keeps bombing despite Syria truce; Assad vows to fight on \n", "\n", "Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.\n", "\n", "These included the skeleton of the first ichthyosaur skeleton to be recognized as such and the first two plesiosaur skeletons ever found , the first pterosaur skeleton found outside of Germany , and some important fossil fish.\n", "\n", "Went to a chemist yesterday and said to the pharmacist \"Excuse me I'm after some condoms\" \"Just a minute\" he replied. I said\"Yes thats them\"\n", "\n", "In the struggle , the building catches fire and the survivors flee.\n", "\n", "My friend dropped his box of Italian pastries on the floor. I cannoli imagine what he must be going through.\n", "\n", "Because many frequent Internet users have been tricked into viewing the site at one time or another , it has become something of an Internet meme.\n", "\n", "She also won the 2004 US Open singles title and was the runner-up in singles at the 2006 French Open and the 2007 US Open , both times to Belgian player Justine Henin.\n", "\n", "Like standard rail tracks , tram tracks consist of two parallel steel rails.\n", "\n", "Winds continued to increase into that afternoon , as seas increased to 18 f. One man fell overboard by 5 p.m. and drowned.\n", "\n", "got my ass ate, call that butt appétit\n", "\n", "Russian jets in Syria pound Latakia ahead of fighting halt \n", "\n", "lSmile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.\n", "\n", "Tactics also play a key role , and the combination makes it attractive to many.\n", "\n", "The first suggestion for a name came from Galle , who proposed the name Janus.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.\n", "\n", "To Kill Two Birds With One Stone\n", "\n", "Bryant soaks up warm farewell from frigid outpost \n", "\n", "A Jehovah's Witness gave me an advent calendar. The first door I opened there were two of them standing behind it.\n", "\n", "He was born and raised in Seoul.\n", "\n", "How long can a pizza sit out before it goes bad\n", "\n", "When the wheel was invented. It started a revolution.\n", "\n", "bouncer: I'm going to have to ask you to leave\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: why\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline\n", "\n", "you can get a trial lawyer for thirty days and then you have to subscribe\n", "\n", "Trump in lead at 40.6 percent \n", "\n", "One of life’s simple pleasures is being introduced to someone whose last name is their occupation. Like Baker or Gardener or Ghostwhisperer\n", "\n", "Many U.S. states also have such departments.\n", "\n", "was just thinking about how someday nostalgia is going to trick these kids into thinking this was the best time of their lives\n", "\n", "Congress approves permanent Internet access tax ban \n", "\n", "Pride Month may be halfway over but if RuPaul walks onto Hollywood Boulevard and sees his shadow it’s 6 more weeks of Pride\n", "\n", "The Best Is Oftentimes The Enemy Of The Good\n", "\n", "[hospital]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Nurse: you have a great attitude!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Nurse: aw : )\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[funeral]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.\n", "\n", "Sandon is one of many mining ghost towns in British Columbia , Canada.\n", "\n", "Why do cows lie down together when it rains? To keep each udder dry.\n", "\n", "Elive can be used like any Live CD or installed to the hard drive to access its full features.\n", "\n", "Professional dancers typically wear out pointe shoes much more quickly ; a new pair may wear out in a single performance.\n", "\n", "[forest]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: omg there’s a wolf\r", "\r", "\r\n", "WIFE: where?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: no the regular kind\n", "\n", "Hey guys, I make art and I set up a thing where you can buy happy huggy heart products if you feel like it or not it’s up to you really but yeah ok here it is thanks bye\n", "\n", "Global stocks dumped for safe havens as bank fears flare \n", "\n", "It began full operation two days after a ceremonial opening on 26 May 2006.\n", "\n", "What kind of monkey can fly? A hot air baboon.\n", "\n", "Mirror inspector. Now there's a job I could really see myself doing!\n", "\n", "China shares fall as oil slides, outweighing stimulus hopes \n", "\n", "Heaviest air strikes yet rock Yemeni capital Sanaa: residents \n", "\n", "Pay attention to Sarah Ullman (aka @thesillysully). She combines media savvy, political vision & a lifelong passion to take gun violence out of our culture. #OneVoteataTime has & will make real change for the better. Follow, donate, volunteer, RT - and watch good done well.\n", "\n", "INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ACHILLES: Well I guess I work too hard.\n", "\n", "Planned Parenthood files U.S. lawsuit against group behind secret videos \n", "\n", "Did you hear about the romance between the two blood vessels?\r\n", "They loved in vein....\n", "\n", "At least eight migrants drown in sinking off Greek island \n", "\n", "Liars Need Good Memories\n", "\n", "China sends missiles to contested South China Sea island - Taiwan, U.S. officials: \n", "\n", "Not happy with my camping trip travel insurance. Apparently If someone steals my tent in the night, I'll no longer be covered.\n", "\n", "Herring are an important economic fish.\n", "\n", "the absolute worst struggle of my life is how hard it is to find coconut popsicles that don’t have dairy in them\n", "\n", "A year in space: Scott Kelly and Mikhail Kornienko return to Earth - \n", "\n", "Never moon a werewolf.\n", "\n", "Tsk..a slinky riding the escalator. I swear, laziness has taken over this country!\n", "\n", "Genet would never return to prison.\n", "\n", "Egypt jails author for two years over sexually explicit novel \n", "\n", "German police raid homes of suspected militants near western city of Mainz \n", "\n", "I bought a battery powered clock today.When I got home, I noticed that they had given me the wrong one.I thought \"This is a wind up!\"\n", "\n", "1.5 just dumped the box of cereal on the floor, and instead of doing anything about it, I breathed a heavy sigh and added “Cheerios” to my grocery list. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Is this what defeat looks like?\n", "\n", "This is not a pipe: the surrealist Brexit summit \n", "\n", "A grasshopper walks into a bar & the bartender goes \"we have a drink named after you\". The grasshopper goes \"you have a drink named Kevin?\"\n", "\n", "This makes reading back a conversation quite cumbersome ; having to switch talk pages back and forth in order to make sense of the conversation.\n", "\n", "He served during the first term of President George W. Bush from 2001 until 2005.\n", "\n", "Car rentals are subject to many conditions which vary from one brand to another.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the man who fell asleep at the wheel? There was a terrible mess, clay everywhere...\n", "\n", "Iran says will resist curbs on oil output as part of global pact: \n", "\n", "Russell was by this time increasingly tired of philosophy and envisaged Wittgenstein as his successor who would carry on his work in the foundations of mathematics.\n", "\n", "Let's be frank here. I'm Sinatra.\n", "\n", "acting isn’t even that hard you just read words on a page lmao\n", "\n", "British government must restore energy sector confidence – MPs \n", "\n", "LOOK AT ME, she screamed from a tiny corner on a speck of dust circling a small star, one of billions in a galaxy, one of billions in space.\n", "\n", "What We Do Willingly Is Easy\n", "\n", "Facts Are Stubborn Things\n", "\n", "I said to the doctor \"Can you give me something for my liver?\" So he gave me a pound of onions.\n", "\n", "Philippine army kills 42 Islamist militants in battles in south \n", "\n", "Scent of Virginia student found in apartment of man charged with murdering her, witness says \n", "\n", "As a measure , `` fertility rate '' is the number of children born per couple , person or population.\n", "\n", "Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.\n", "\n", "UNICEF confirms severe malnutrition in Syria's besieged Madaya \n", "\n", "How can you tell my parents are abusive? Beats me\n", "\n", "To all the day mode haters, have you considered that maybe night mode is too spooky for some of us? Check your privilege.\n", "\n", "Remy from Ratatouille yanking on my pubes and controlling my sex\n", "\n", "HER: Let’s play 21 questions\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Ok\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: You start ;)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Why do I shit with my legs crossed\n", "\n", "It would not be long before the idea was adopted worldwide.\n", "\n", "Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.\n", "\n", "No candidate elected outright in first round of FIFA presidential vote.\n", "\n", "Hangry: So hungry by the lack of food you become angry.\n", "\n", "Three killed in Afghan forces raid on clinic run by Swedish aid group \n", "\n", "(disclaimer: this is not Danny Devito related)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "@netflix for the love of god please pick up @HappySYFY it's the most unique and weird show i've ever seen and the fact that it's been cancelled is a damn tragedy\n", "\n", "How do you know that adam and eve were white? have you ever tried taking a rib from a black man.\n", "\n", "Jeb Bush to get a hand from brother George W. in South Carolina \n", "\n", "A City That Parleys Is Half Gotten\n", "\n", "The only thing that matters in a movie is whether the cast is listed alphabetically or in order of appearance. It is all a build up to that reveal.\n", "\n", "What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster. \n", "\n", "Reefs that didn't keep pace could become drowned reefs , covered by so much water that there was insufficient light for further survival.\n", "\n", "If the birds and mice won't even dress me and braid my hair then why the hell should I do it myself?\n", "\n", "What do you call a fake macaroni? An impasta.\n", "\n", "Obama says won't campaign for any Democrat who doesn't back gun reforms \n", "\n", "I'm apathetic, but I don't care.\n", "\n", "When I was 6 I got coal from Santa. The next year I decided to get back at him and poison the cookies. The bastard found out and killed my dad\n", "\n", "Why can't ghosts make babies? They have hollow weenies!\n", "\n", "What do you get when you have 50 female pigs and 50 male deer? One hundred sowsand bucks \n", "\n", "In the Western Christian calendar , Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lent and occurs forty-six days before Easter.\n", "\n", "Football player: please God, let my team win\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: ok sure, that’s simple enough\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Football player on other team: God please let my team win\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: oh no\n", "\n", "Infantilism may refer to one of the following.\n", "\n", "Both parents and children say that young girls feel intense pressure from television shows and other children to look pretty and sexy and say that peer pressure , magazines , pop stars like Britney Spears and TV shows like Miley Cyrus ' Hannah Montana increase children 's demands to have spa treatments such as waxing , microdermabrasion and chemical peels.\n", "\n", "identity thief: i need to return your identity\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: what’s the reason for the return\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "identity thief: your life is worse than mine\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: do you have a receipt\n", "\n", "Today the company owns eight Desiro trains.\n", "\n", "No plans at this time for joint U.S.-India navy patrols: State Dept. \n", "\n", "Is it weird my favorite part of a girl is her frontal thigh?\n", "\n", "The main thing I learned in high school was how to text without being caught.\n", "\n", "The words are then emphasized with song.\n", "\n", "Dont make fun of fat people, they have enough on their plates.\n", "\n", "A Military Depot was established not long after at Soldiers Flat near present day Billimari.\n", "\n", "Algeria suspends flights to Libya: aviation authority \n", "\n", "His mother was half Indian , born to a Punjabi father Sardari Lal and an English mother Vera.\n", "\n", "Did you see the Broadway musical about the dictionary? It's a play on words. \n", "\n", "Turkey says Russian jet violated its airspace, envoy summoned \n", "\n", "What do the donkeys in Blackpool get for their lunch? A half hour the same as everyone else.\n", "\n", "He That Seeks Trouble Never Misses\n", "\n", "Body of country singer Strickland recovered in Oklahoma \n", "\n", "A Creaking Door Hangs Long On Its Hinges\n", "\n", "Haiti in talks to delay Sunday presidential runoff after protests \n", "\n", "`` I had a great time in New York but couldn't wait to get back ''.\n", "\n", "Ugly birds are just like shopping at Pound Stretcher. You wanna be in and out quickly, before your mates see you!\n", "\n", "It is the ninth game in the original Mega Man series , and the first series release since the 1997 game Mega Man 8.\n", "\n", "“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.\n", "\n", "just saw my tweet in a porn wow that's amazing\n", "\n", "It was also the first season to feature an amputee and not one , but two open lesbians.\n", "\n", "We don’t need this many DJs.\n", "\n", "Pope says Church does not want 'dirty money' \n", "\n", "Maybe I'm just ignorant. I don't know.\n", "\n", "'Brexit' would damage UK, could sink the EU, billionaire Richard Branson says \n", "\n", "Germany's Merkel says getting confident about UK deal with EU \n", "\n", "Is It wrong for a guy like me to have silk sheets? They're nice..\n", "\n", "On May 2 , 2000 , it was released to Region 1 DVD for the first time.\n", "\n", "Insight: Parmesan bonds replace bank loans in Italy's new credit order \n", "\n", "Sunny D tastes like the tears of a kid who just wanted real orange juice.\n", "\n", "With Harry Potter, Oprah, and letterman all done, I guess the world is really ending.\n", "\n", "Females have a blue crown and white throat , breast and belly.\n", "\n", "\"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take\"...is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.\n", "\n", "A passerine is a bird of the order Passeriformes , which includes more than half of all bird species.\n", "\n", "Immature: What one redneck says to another when he wants his chair back.\r\n", "\"Hey, you done sat immature and I be wanting it back.\"\n", "\n", "Melissa remained away from land during its lifespan , never threatening any land areas.\n", "\n", "Long then began to look for an assistant so he could spend more time with Kristal , eventually revealing Vickie Guerrero as his new assistant on May 25 , 2007 , an appointment made partly at Kristal 's request.\n", "\n", "The Epistle to the Hebrews is one of the books in the New Testament.\n", "\n", "bank robber: everybody on the ground or i'll shoot\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "teller: oh no\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "customers: oh no\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "guy who does crossfit: [really wanting to talk about crossfit but realizing it's not an appropriate time] oh no\n", "\n", "Three attackers from Burkina al Qaeda assault still at large \n", "\n", "Wife: is that our guinea pig?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: yes and I've named her gwyn\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: why\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *whispers* gwyny pig\n", "\n", "I'm always willing to put in more hours at work, specifically lunch hours.\n", "\n", "For better or worse, Bill Clinton not a big factor among U.S. voters - poll \n", "\n", "MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this\n", "\n", "The Kavirondo have great faith in divination from the entrails of a sheep.\n", "\n", "[Nature documentary]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Narrator: The average penguin typically reaches one metre in height.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: SHEILA! Remember that penguin we hit outside the convent?\n", "\n", "The film was nominated for an Academy Award as Best Short Film , Live Action.\n", "\n", "Specifically , it is Mountain Standard Time when observing standard time , and Mountain Daylight Time when observing daylight saving time.\n", "\n", "I would rather kill myself than commit suicide.\n", "\n", "Pakistan province passes landmark law protecting women against violence \n", "\n", "Planned Parenthood files lawsuit against group behind secret videos \n", "\n", "Did you hear about the pizza boy who wanted to become a comedian? His jokes were cheesy, but his delivery was amazing!\n", "\n", "British police question boy who spelled 'terrorist' by mistake \n", "\n", "Nothing else is known of his life or reign.\n", "\n", "Usually dictators don't, y'know, advertise it\n", "\n", "Have you heard the one about the baby with AIDS? It never gets old.\n", "\n", "Australian court paves way for deportation of infant asylum seekers \n", "\n", ". Weekend Twitter Tweet Call\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I’m going to drop a draft that I wrote in my sleep and you reply w a tweet for it. Got it? Go!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Sushi and the Banshees\n", "\n", "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.\n", "\n", "ME: How did you survive the flood?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "FRIEND: I floated to safety on the back of a zoo animal.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *whispering* giraft\n", "\n", "Another long time producer of hot air balloons is Head Balloons , Inc. , located in Helen , Georgia.\n", "\n", "Many 'lost' voters say they have found their candidate in Trump \n", "\n", "Her: What are you making for dinner?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, reaching for a fifth pot: a mess\n", "\n", "None of u guys have been having sex with ur boyfriends right? Because we said we were all going on a sex strike. I haven’t fucked in months. But neither have any of you guys, right? Right???\n", "\n", "Carnivals are fun because you trust a person you would avoid on the street with your life for three minutes.\n", "\n", "North Korea test draws threat of sanctions despite H-bomb doubts \n", "\n", "Oil plummets to $29 per barrel, dragging world stocks lower \n", "\n", "How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist? A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.\n", "\n", "UK PM Cameron rebuked by party members for ignoring their views on EU \n", "\n", "What do you call a row of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line. \n", "\n", "My manager just told me when she was a kid in Australia there was a monitor lizard that walked up and down the street at 3:30pm and everyone had to give it a boiled egg or it would tap angrily on the window with its foot.\n", "\n", "I’ve spent my entire adult life chasing that high you got as a kid after wandering through the woods and finding a cool tree\n", "\n", "When I drink alcohol, everyone says im an alcoholic. When I drink fanta, no one says I'm fantastic.\n", "\n", "'Spotlight,' actors of color win big at SAG awards amid diversity furor \n", "\n", "Pratt & Whitney A320neo engine suffers new test snag \n", "\n", "Clinton seeks surcharge tax on wealthiest tier of Americans \n", "\n", "The 5 Great Lakes:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Superior\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Michigan\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Justin Timber\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Ontario\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Frosted F\n", "\n", "To Take The Bull By The Horns\n", "\n", "wife: i’m going into labor\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "husband: when\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: now\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these\n", "\n", "He was 63 years old.\n", "\n", "Maybe the people who drive in your blind spot are just shy\n", "\n", "Girls on here be 32 years old tweeting “hot girl summer” bitch your child is being bullied in their kindergarten class and is begging for your help\n", "\n", "Many also have a simple gut and a mouth with a radula.\n", "\n", "That Which One Least Anticipates Soonest Comes To Pass\n", "\n", "Well, the people have spoken. This is no longer the Amerca I know. This is kumquat America.\n", "\n", "How do you pick up a smokin' hot Jewish girl? Broom and a Dustpan.\n", "\n", "Fridges and flour: Syrian refugees boost Turkish economy \n", "\n", "By the time Robin Hood was released , only four of the Nine Old Men were still animating at Disney.\n", "\n", "What do you call an Irishman who bounces off of walls? Rick O'Shea.\n", "\n", "M&M customer service rep: how may i help you today? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i paid good money for a bag of M&M's and all i got was this bag full of W's! i want a refund!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Rep: have you tried flipping 'em upside down?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[pause]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: what kind of witchcraft is this\n", "\n", "What is the difference between a Mercedes and a Lexus? Princess Diana wouldn't be caught dead in a Lexus\n", "\n", "Banadian goose\n", "\n", "LOVING Maura. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Not loving Tom. #loveisland\n", "\n", "My imaginary girlfriend just put me in the friendzone.\n", "\n", "her: [during sex] spank me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [nervous but i go for it]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: did you just say good game\n", "\n", "U.N. Security Council to vote on new North Korea sanctions Tuesday: U.S. \n", "\n", "What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud.\n", "\n", "What's the most popular form of birth control? The headache.\n", "\n", "The road to Aleppo: a fascinating look at how the West misread Putin over Syria. - \n", "\n", "I’m afraid my twitter feed has been rather negative over the last day or so. I’m sorry about this. I usually try to keep things light and positive. So, to remedy this I’m going to tweet a string of pleasant thoughts.\n", "\n", "It drains much of the water of Pothohar.\n", "\n", "these three just....walk around??? like this???? all the time????? doesn't seem fair to the rest of us\n", "\n", "Why don't Arctic foxes eat penguins? Cos they can't get the wrappers off.\n", "\n", "friendly reminder that no means no and yes also means no because premarital sex is a sin\n", "\n", "Guys what base is it when he calls you insufferable\n", "\n", "Me in my 20’s: Sure lets go out! It’s only 10:00!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me in my 30’s: I don’t even have friends anymore.\n", "\n", "Spain's king picks socialist chief to try to form government \n", "\n", "Polaroids: what polar bears get from sitting on the ice.\n", "\n", "[sex] \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: OH YES MEAGHAN \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Megan: WHO THE FUCK IS MEAGHAN\n", "\n", "Nur ad-Din Abd ar-Rahman Jami was one of the greatest Persian poets in the 15th century and one of the last great Sufi poets.\n", "\n", "My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D. I said, yes, but they R2D2.\n", "\n", "China shares flounder again, but 'real economy' sound says state media \n", "\n", ". Weekend Twitter Tweet Call\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I’m going to drop a draft that I wrote in my sleep and you reply w a tweet for it. Got it? Go!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Sushi and the Banshees\n", "\n", "What begins with T, ends with T, and has T in it? A teapot.\n", "\n", "He died at home eleven days later as a result of the injury.\n", "\n", "He received his first music lessons from his mother , who was a singer , and began composing at an early age.\n", "\n", "If someone's addicted to rehab, then what?\n", "\n", "What did the fly order at the restaurant? A number 2.\n", "\n", "Do gay people say, \"That's so straight?\"\n", "\n", "Donaldson was born on 2 April 1979 at Waratah , New South Wales.\n", "\n", "What does a perverted frog say? Rubbit.\n", "\n", "Wwow, thats’ pretty crazey\n", "\n", "Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: What?\n", "\n", "Belgium detains 10 in ISIS recruitment investigation: \n", "\n", "The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid's 45-minute recap.\n", "\n", "Dog Does Not Eat Dog\n", "\n", "Not to confuse everyone while we’re dealing with this ellohhell thing but karate horse was a girl\n", "\n", "PSA: If you are new to Twitter be very careful, you might meet your worst enemy and your best friend on the same day.\n", "\n", "her: take off my bra\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ok\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: take off my panties\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: wow ok\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: stop wearing my clothes\n", "\n", "An asterisk is used to mark reconstructed PIE words , such as \\* ` water ' , \\* ` dog ' , or \\* ` three '.\n", "\n", "I cant think of any boat jokes. Canoe?\n", "\n", "What did the necktie say to the hat?\r\n", "You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.\n", "\n", "Do you know what's coming back in style? Boomerangs.\n", "\n", "Cairo, Red Sea attacks deal new blows to Egypt \n", "\n", "She won a silver medal in China and a gold medal in Hungary.\n", "\n", "Can’t sleep. I’m so angry about those guys in movies who knock over fruit stands during car chases\n", "\n", "They had one daughter , Pascale , born in 1932.\n", "\n", "Paracels tough new front in U.S. battle to rein-in China's South China Sea ambitions \n", "\n", "Why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7,8,9\n", "\n", "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving probably isn't for you.\n", "\n", "Pope says Trump 'not Christian,' Trump calls comment 'disgraceful' \n", "\n", "\"I have always relied on the strangeness of kinders,\" mused the German sideshow owner, as a 2-headed child handed him a drink.\n", "\n", "Some people wish to not see some images on Wikipedia , for various reasons - images may not be suitable for a work environment ; they may wish to prevent their children from seeing such images ; their religion may forbid it ; and so on.\n", "\n", "The attack works by encrypting from one end and decrypting from the other end , thus meeting in the middle.\n", "\n", "HE'S HOME\n", "\n", "Hong Kong police arrest Chinese suspect in L.A. double murder \n", "\n", "Nigeria faces new rift over alleged Shi'ite massacre \n", "\n", "Virginity is like a bubble, one prick and it's gone.\n", "\n", "I'm really tired from all of this metamorphosizing from a single cell.\n", "\n", "Honey Is Sweet, But The Bee Stings\n", "\n", "I've been searching for my stolen bed for three days! I won't rest until I find it.\n", "\n", "The name comes from , the Latin word for milk , plus the - ose ending used to name sugars.\n", "\n", "Me: No glove no love.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Gyno: Please don't make another pap uncomfortable.\n", "\n", "Using little plastic dinosaurs and some fishline, I made a scene for my wife's car backup camera.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Now we wait.\n", "\n", "Playlistism: discrimination against people's choice of music.\n", "\n", "Wise is a town in Wise County , Virginia , United States.\n", "\n", " U.S. economy added 151,000 jobs in January, unemployment at 4.9 percent.\n", "\n", "Paying rent is like hitting a snooze button on being homeless.\n", "\n", "Merkel pressured on all fronts as ally takes swipe over migrants \n", "\n", " S&P 500 and Dow Jones futures down about 2.5 percent, Nasdaq futures down about 3.3 percent \n", "\n", "[first date]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *scanning the menu* I don't even see them on here. What page are you on?\n", "\n", "Near the end of his life he described his love of his art , `` Each day I go to my studio full of joy ; in the evening when obliged to stop because of darkness I can scarcely wait for the next morning to come ... if I can not give myself to my dear painting I am miserable ''.\n", "\n", "Hickory Dickory Dock. Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got through with only minor injuries.\n", "\n", "When I was a teen my mom got mad at me because she thought I popped my screen to sneak out and hook up with boys. You guys, I was just sneaking my cat into the house. Wild stuff.\n", "\n", "The moves that one Pokémon may learn are different from another depending on the species of Pokémon ; even those that evolve from others do not necessarily learn all the same moves that their predecessors learn.\n", "\n", "South Africa to procure nuclear energy at affordable scale: Zuma \n", "\n", "If his condition is believed to be true , what he hears at the end of the story may not be the old man 's heart but death watch beetles.\n", "\n", "“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.\n", "\n", "There aren’t nearly enough acting things with Alan Tudyk in them\n", "\n", "Queens was the home of Shea Stadium , the former home of New York Mets of Major League Baseball and the New York Jets of the National Football League , as well as the temporary home of the New York Yankees and the New York Football Giants . Citi Field , the Mets ' current home , is located adjacent to where Shea once stood.\n", "\n", "Two Blacks Do Not Make A White\n", "\n", "House of Representatives backs broader North Korea sanctions, after nuclear test \n", "\n", "After hours of thinking I've finally decided on my new years resolution: 1920 x 1080\n", "\n", "Paddles may be single-bladed or double-bladed.\n", "\n", "A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss\n", "\n", "I was shopping with the wife for a present for her mother. She said she wanted something electric. I suggested a chair.\n", "\n", "Ted Cruz is melting\n", "\n", "Some wine experts contend that the optimal temperature for aging wine is 55 . , others 59 , Wine refrigerators offer an alternative to wine cellars.\n", "\n", "i’m tired of all these parents crying about raising kids like honey i just got hit by a youtube ad that didn’t have a skip option we all have things that test our patience\n", "\n", "Asian shares skid as Brent crude plumbs 12-year lows \n", "\n", "Standoff at wildlife refuge in Oregon officially over: FBI \n", "\n", "His best day at the plate was on June 17 , when he hit two home runs and two doubles.\n", "\n", "wish I could go back to 2014 and warn everyone about 9/11\n", "\n", "LIL PHAG - resERECTION \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "1. IHATEMETOO (ft @dannygonzalez, @captainkalvis & Felony Steve)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "2. CHARLIE SHEEN (ft @KyleMassey)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "3. GAYNSAD (ft @ka5sh & @Whitey1864)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "4. ERRYBODYGAY (ft @LILBTHEBASEDGOD & @bahablastlegend)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "FIRST WEEK SALES GO TO @LALGBTCenter\n", "\n", "According to all the latest reports, there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.\n", "\n", "What do you call an Iraqi who has sex with donkeys? Normal.\n", "\n", "It was first published in 1997.\n", "\n", "everyone laughing because my smart watch keeps buzzing: haha\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "friend giving my eulogy: alright let’s stop texting him\n", "\n", "On U.S. end of Iran prisoner deal, doubts and delays in final hours \n", "\n", "Why did the snowman take his pants off? He heard the snow blower was coming.\n", "\n", "Italy sends more troops to Naples after jump in killings \n", "\n", "Someone stole my mood ring. I'm not sure how I feel about it.\n", "\n", "'The Revenant' wins big in Britain's BAFTA awards \n", "\n", "Rupert Murdoch announces his engagement to former supermodel Jerry Hall: \n", "\n", "The natives believe they come down with the rain.\n", "\n", "This characterization is no longer true.\n", "\n", "no offense, but where are snails even trying to go\n", "\n", "Looking back on it, I think I've always struggled to make friends outside of the internet because a lot of people don't understand dry humor & tend to think I'm serious when I'm actually joking. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "COP: [loudly chewing a sandwich] you were allowed to leave three hours ago\n", "\n", "Evil Communications Corrupt Good Manners\n", "\n", "At least the garbage disposal eats what I cook.\n", "\n", "For example , the Hassan II Mosque in Casablanca is one of only two mosques in Morocco currently open to non-Muslims.\n", "\n", "A wrestler may be expected to portray many gimmicks during their career , most of which may be implausible or inconsistent.\n", "\n", "Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!\n", "\n", "“White nationalist, white supremacist, Western civilization — how did that language become offensive?” \r", "\r", "\r\n", " - Steve “Corn Hitler” King\n", "\n", "Saudi, Qatar missions to U.N. evacuate over suspicious package \n", "\n", "In the 1850s the many gold prospectors passed through headed for gold fields at Lambing Flat and Grenfell.\n", "\n", "One day Cardi B will be the background song for a JC Penney commercial.\n", "\n", "What did the triangle say to the circle? You're so pointless.\n", "\n", "Mashed potatoes or Smashed potatoes is one way of serving potatoes.\n", "\n", "What did one saggy boob say to the other? We better get some support or people are gunna think we're nuts.\n", "\n", "\"For a religious leader to question a person's faith is disgraceful,\" Trump says about pope comments. \n", "\n", "Netflix to stream in almost all countries, skips China \n", "\n", "Large populations of dugongs live there.\n", "\n", "Wife looks in mirror& says: \"I look horrible, fat& ugly. Please say something nice about me.\" Husband: \"Your eyesight is perfect...\"\n", "\n", "A Wager Is A Fool's Argument\n", "\n", "In mathematics , finite set is a set that has a finite number of elements.\n", "\n", "Why did the cannibal have an upset stomach? He ate someone who disagreed with him.\n", "\n", "Saudi security forces kill terrorist suspect in village raid: agency \n", "\n", "A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, \"How much for a beer?\" The bartender says, \"For you, no charge.\"\n", "\n", "What do you call a monkey in a minefield? BABOOOOOOM!\n", "\n", "Patrick Head , is co-founder and Engineering Director of the Williams Formula One team.\n", "\n", "Their spirits rise during a New Year 's party at Aunt Pat 's house.\n", "\n", "ME: I'll have the steak, medium-rare please\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate\n", "\n", "I just pulled a Christmas cracker,erm.. There's a joke in there somewhere.\n", "\n", "Rosberg fastest but says Mercedes have more to do \n", "\n", "Opinions Differ\n", "\n", "Islamic State claims responsibility for Cairo attack that killed nine \n", "\n", "Kikuyu speak Kikuyu , a Bantu language , as their native tongue.\n", "\n", "Every White Has Its Black, And Every Sweet Its Sour\n", "\n", "[expensive restaurant date]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: waiter, the William please\n", "\n", "Airbus A321neo completes first flight after engine switch \n", "\n", "She wakes up and tries to run away , but the mice stop her.\n", "\n", "[taking out the trash]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: hey I live over there \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "neighbor: yes you say that every week\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: sorry I’m high as fuck \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "neighbor: you say that too\n", "\n", "Me: [getting eaten by a shark] this is statistically unlikely\n", "\n", "There once was a man called Dave, who dug up a prostitutes grave, she was covered in shit and missing a tit but look at the money he saved!\n", "\n", "Why was the cold tap turned on?Because the other tap was so hot!\n", "\n", "Girls, if a guy pauses a video game to text you back, marry him.\n", "\n", "This kid fishing in the sewer is gonna catch a clown.\n", "\n", "Sanctions impact on Russia to be longer term, U.S. says \n", "\n", "Five arrests made in connection with California jailhouse escape \n", "\n", "NOBODY TEXT UR EX this cancer season i know it is so tempting but don’t do it love u\n", "\n", "Why did Sepp Blatter cross the road? To get to the other bribe!\n", "\n", "Developed from three stage shows and a six episode radio series , it has since spawned a total of twenty television episodes for BBC Three and two live tours of the UK , as well as two live shows in the United States.\n", "\n", "Dutch arrest 10 men suspected of using Bitcoin to launder money: \n", "\n", "Amid mounting bills, farmers forced to sell grain at low prices \n", "\n", "Walk into the building like whaddup I got a oh no I'm so sorry wrong building please continue with your funeral God bless\n", "\n", "[before the test drive]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "him: try to play it cool this time\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: no prob\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[during the test drive]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: OH MY GOD THIS IS THE CUTEST SHADE OF BLUE I’VE EVER SEEN AND LOOK IT HAS NAV AND I’VE ALWAYS WANTED A PANORAMIC MOONROOF ON MY SUV PLEASE TAKE OUR MONEY\n", "\n", "Am I the only one who’s discovered new features on the TV remote simply because my dog stepped on it?\n", "\n", "Former Maldives' president calls for sanctions against government figures \n", "\n", "I still don't understand how Pi is 3142Am I missing the point?\n", "\n", "At the end of the 1990s he set up Schuhbecks GmbH.\n", "\n", "Iraqi PM rejects idea of building security wall around Baghdad \n", "\n", "Tunisia's democracy will be preserved 'whatever the cost' - PM \n", "\n", "As The Call, So The Echo\n", "\n", "Children have drowned in wading pools and even bath tubs.\n", "\n", "It comes in many colors , both solid and patterned.\n", "\n", "The year 1968 marked the first time the IOC first permitted East and West Germany to enter separately , and the first time the IOC ever ordered drug and gender testing of competitors.\n", "\n", "Parentnoia:Parentnoia is the irrational fear parents have that their children are doing something wrong, or being hurt in some way.\n", "\n", "The infected mucosa of the mouth may appear inflamed.\n", "\n", "GacktJob is Gackt 's live support band.\n", "\n", "Turkish editors expected to be freed, still face trial \n", "\n", "You know that thing where your coworker calls you in a panic wondering if you can cover their shift so they can stay home sick, and nobody else can do it? So you cancel your plans to cover them?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "That has been an intentional part of north-american capitalism since the 1990s.\n", "\n", "Their weapons are spears with rather long flat blades without blood-courses and broad-bladed swords.\n", "\n", "Tunisia police, Islamist militants clash, two dead: government \n", "\n", "when you finally read a classic book but it sucks ass\n", "\n", "Libya's recognized parliament rejects U.N.-backed unity government \n", "\n", "I feel like way more people would pay attention to me on here if i had a gavel\n", "\n", "her: I thought you hated your beard\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: yeah but it grew on me\n", "\n", "Major powers team up to tell China of concerns over new laws \n", "\n", "An old lady in front of me dropped $20 and I thought, \"What would Jesus do?\" So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.\n", "\n", "Some girl just said she wanted to have my children. Im dropping off my 2-year-old tomorrow.\n", "\n", "\"What did one lesbian ghost say to the other? I like your booooooobs\"\n", "\n", "patent clerk: NEXT\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: here you go \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "patent clerk: *reading papers* you can’t patent patentin-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *steps behind counter* NEXT\n", "\n", "It initially featured one or two PowerPC G4 processors , but was later switched over to the new PowerPC G5 , and now runs on two quad-core Intel Nehalem CPUs.\n", "\n", "forgive me for getting political but there is a bowling alley in the white house and i would like to know what the screen graphics are for strikes and gutterballs\n", "\n", "hello if you are not literally this cow right now but you are this cow emotionally\n", "\n", "i just face swapped this picture of smash mouth and guy fieri and nothing happened\n", "\n", "Knock, Knock. Who's there? Control freak. Now you say control freak who!\n", "\n", "Spike Lee, Pinkett Smith boycott Oscars over all-white acting nominees \n", "\n", "Why does a hummingbird hum? Because it doesn't know the words.\n", "\n", "Many agricultural soils need drainage to improve production or to manage water supplies.\n", "\n", "The Georges Head Battery is located on Georges Head , in the suburb of Mosman in Sydney , New South Wales , Australia.\n", "\n", "The telecommunications description of deadlock is a little stronger : deadlock occurs when none of the processes meet the condition to move to another state and all the communication channels are empty.\n", "\n", "This comic is based on an awesome tweet by @tweetsaboutdog! \n", "\n", "In 2007 , PepsiCo redesigned their cans for the fourteenth time , and for the first time , included more than thirty different backgrounds on each can , introducing a new background every three weeks.\n", "\n", "The Tripura-rahasya is divided into three parts.\n", "\n", "Israeli troops shoot dead Palestinian who tried to stab them-army \n", "\n", "Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.\n", "\n", "Man Proposes But God Disposes\n", "\n", "Saudi Arabia, Russia to meet as mood on oil deal shifts - sources \n", "\n", "Berlin says no final decision on delivering patrol boats to Saudi Arabia \n", "\n", "me: hoo-boy! *loosens belt* those were delicious! what did you say they were called?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "guy with me in nuclear bunker: rations\n", "\n", "Being a parent is like being a teenager except now you’re old and you have to change diapers and life is miserable and then you die.\n", "\n", "I found the key to success. Now, I just need to find the lock.\n", "\n", "\"You cannot dialogue with the devil,\" Pope Francis warns on Mexico visit. More here: \n", "\n", "CREATIVE DIRECTOR: your design is great but you forgot a call to action \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME [hanging up with his mom]: did I tho\n", "\n", "Me: I’d kick ass in a zombie uprising\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: u run away from flies because “maybe they know a bee”\n", "\n", "Me: *remembers every word from every song I heard in 1984*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Also me: *looks at my boarding pass for the 2,438th time in the last 15 minutes to see what seat I'm in*\n", "\n", "Mexican kingpin 'Chapo' tried to trademark his name -local TV \n", "\n", "Despite being classed as a new town , Irvine has had a long history stretching back many centuries and was classed as a Royal Burgh.\n", "\n", "Kerry says effort and good faith could lead to Russian sanctions lifting \n", "\n", "Of the two albatross species found in Hawaii , one , the Black-footed Albatross , takes mostly fish while the Laysan feeds on squid.\n", "\n", "Italy postpones gay civil unions voting, adoption rights at risk \n", "\n", "I've lost loads of weight this month! This whole 'not having any money for food' thing is really working out well.\n", "\n", "Syrian President Assad's mother dies aged 86: state media \n", "\n", "If I do not respond to a photo of a lizard within 3 minutes you can assume I am dead.\n", "\n", "North Korea holding U.S. citizen and Canada pastor: CNN \n", "\n", "Daughter: was I a mistake?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: no honey.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Son: was I a mistake mama?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: no baby.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Daughter: so no one was a mistake?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: [holds up mushroom] hey look I’m a fungi to be with!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: well...\n", "\n", "What Can't Be Cured, Must Be Endured\n", "\n", "Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my girlfriend threw at me.\n", "\n", "Not saying I'm in a rut, but at this point if a poltergeist wanted to use my mortal frame as an avatar to settle a centuries-old blood feud I probably wouldn't even resist\n", "\n", "My Wife has grown a little penis after she started taking steroids.\"Really, anabolic?\" \"No, just a little penis\".\n", "\n", "What do you get if you cross a traffic warden with a dog? A barking ticket.\n", "\n", "Uganda's opposition presidential candidate detained: police \n", "\n", "My wife left me for a weather man. She'll be mist.\n", "\n", "Rouhani hails 'golden page' in Iran's history as sanctions lifted \n", "\n", "From Dakar to N'Djamena, hotels boost security after Burkina attack \n", "\n", "A boat builder is showing his son one of his forests. He turns to him and says, \"Son, one day all this will be oars\"\n", "\n", "Australian abuse victims crowdfund trip to Rome for Vatican treasurer testimony \n", "\n", "Bank of England's Carney warns of zero-sum game from negative rates: \n", "\n", "A man walks into a bar and says \"ow\".\n", "\n", "I’ve now done this for a full year. It’s been fun but I think I’m gonna stop now, hope you liked them\n", "\n", " TWEET CALL \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I somehow managed 10k followers, so let’s do a tweet call. Send me your favorite tweets about raccoons, horse cannons, or Gil!\n", "\n", "The place of birth is the place where a person was born.\n", "\n", "Believe Not All That You See Nor Half What You Hear\n", "\n", "YESSSS!!!! @shellybhalla\n", "\n", "Greek police remove migrants from Macedonian border as more land in Piraeus \n", "\n", "How do you keep an elephant from charging? Take away his credit card.\n", "\n", "Major earthquake hits south Alaska, tremors felt in Anchorage \n", "\n", "But many words are chosen for the intended purpose.\n", "\n", "Bad day at the hadron collider. Steven left his food in the machine and we accidently made a breakfast dimension. The life forms there are suffering greatly.\n", "\n", "After many successful albums she decided to release a best of album , and in September 1998 , she released The Best of Ajda . Two years later , in 2000 , Ajda released another studio album , simply called Diva and enjoyed sales of over two million copies.\n", "\n", "Many different variations of popularity exist , and many ways in which to gain it.\n", "\n", "I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.\n", "\n", "How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb? That's not funny!!!\n", "\n", "“You don’t seem bi.” \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Oh shit sorry forgot my Bi.D. Wanna just watch me parallel park a hybrid while we listen to Lizzo or ??\n", "\n", "Who are Finland's \"Soldiers of Odin\"? \n", "\n", "Kerry may meet with Colombia peace talks participants within days \n", "\n", "What do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common? No ballroom.\n", "\n", "White House says expects China will support new sanctions on North Korea \n", "\n", "Ireland's No.2 party calls for reform of parliament before coalition talks \n", "\n", "What gym equipment does Jesus use? A cross trainer\n", "\n", "The books describe village life through the seasons of the year , but for the plays Dewhurst selected just two days : the first day of harvest for Lark Rise and the first hunt meet of the new year , a winter 's day in January , for Candleford.\n", "\n", "[date at applebees]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "waiter: what'll it be?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: I'll have the apple \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *gritted teeth* I guess I'll have the bees then\n", "\n", "Given the long orbit that TNOs have around the sun , Huya comes to opposition in early May of each year at an apparent magnitude of 19.3.\n", "\n", "It was tiny.\n", "\n", "I CANT BREATHE HAHHAH I ACTUALLY MADE IT\n", "\n", "Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters\n", "\n", "Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.\n", "\n", ". Bruce Springsteen\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "To Run In The USA\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " Born\n" ] }, { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "\n", "My dog chased a kid on a bike, So we took away his bike.But he kept barking.So we gave it back.Because his bark is worse than his bike.\n", "\n", "Joe Doe The Example Company 604-555-1234 http://example.com/\n", "\n", "Early in the series , Molly is the only character who makes a costume but creates it from old bed sheets and clothes , not the traditional spandex of superhero costumes ; she never wears the costume again.\n", "\n", "When you die on the toilet but you have 8 more lives\n", "\n", "I just got gas for $1.39 today at lunch! Gotta love Taco Bell.\n", "\n", "[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby\n", "\n", "The adjectival form of the name , although unused , would be Astraean.\n", "\n", "HIM: I have a chocolate lab. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME (awestruck whisper): ᵂᶦˡˡʸ ᵂᵒⁿᵏᵃ\n", "\n", "James also owns a dog named Butch.\n", "\n", "My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days. What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.\n", "\n", "She was principal for Dramatens elevskola two times ; the first time from 1831 to 1834 , and the second time from 1841 to 1856.\n", "\n", "[a star in the sky sees a human running during the day] *makes a wish*\n", "\n", "He was 16 years , 1 month and 14 days old.\n", "\n", "Jailed journalists in Turkey say arrest aimed at gagging press \n", "\n", "Can we stop pretending our fore fathers were geniuses, they didn’t even have ipads\n", "\n", "Strike While The Iron Is Hot\n", "\n", "Some responses include the arguments that true free will can not exist without the possibility of evil , that humans can not understand God , that evil is merely the privation of good , or that evil is a result of a corrupted and fallen world.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the new farmers dating site? It's full of hoes.\n", "\n", "Saudi strikes on Yemen civilians may be crimes against humanity: U.N. \n", "\n", "God, grant me the tenacity of a Facebook mom promoting her cbd oil business.\n", "\n", "This joke is so dark that I hope it doesn't get shot by the police.\n", "\n", "Pride in North Korea nuclear tests eroded by daily grind \n", "\n", "Keep A Thing Seven Years And You Will Find A Use For It\n", "\n", "Marske has two imposing houses.\n", "\n", "For example , in sheep , it may be caused by crowding through doors , or being chased by dogs.\n", "\n", "If two numbers differ by one order of magnitude , one is about ten times larger than the other.\n", "\n", "France's Hollande uses pardon for woman who killed violent husband \n", "\n", "Divorce settlements sometimes take a half-an-our.\n", "\n", "the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "kids: oh no\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: oh no\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "parents: oh no\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO\n", "\n", "Remember, there are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for you. Push and Pull.\n", "\n", "Germany shuts down Islamic center in Bremen, raids apartments \n", "\n", "you: bastard\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: you just did \r", "\r", "\r\n", "you: I'm not going to do that\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: this joke only makes sense if you read it backwards\n", "\n", "We Know Not What Is Good Until We Have Lost It\n", "\n", "The first land sales in the area took place in 1837.\n", "\n", "Longoria was given the American League Gold Glove Award for his position on November 10 . Two days later , he was given a Silver Slugger Award.\n", "\n", "Today, blunt-spoken billionaire Trump puts his campaign to the test: \n", "\n", "A boy goes to a strip club. His mom gets angry and asks him: Did you see anything there that you weren't supposed to see?\r\n", "\r\n", "Boy: Yes, dad!\n", "\n", "Me: *fighting back tears, but physically, and with nunchucks*\n", "\n", "I've just been spending some time at my wifes grave..She still thinks I'm digging a garden pond.\n", "\n", "Some metal leaf may look like gold leaf but not contain any real gold . This metal leaf is often referred to as imitation leaf.\n", "\n", "California faces pivotal juncture as death-row population swells \n", "\n", "in lieu of dick pics please send dog pics\n", "\n", "To celebrate the last Harry Potter movie, I am going to cut a scar in my forehead.\n", "\n", "The category name is defined in.\n", "\n", " Texas judge says ‘affluenza’ teen Ethan Couch to remain in juvenile detention center\n", "\n", "The receiving partner lies on their back with legs apart , while the penetrating partner lies on top.\n", "\n", "Danish parliament passes controversial migrant assets law: \n", "\n", "I hate when I lose my white friends in the snow\n", "\n", "Imp . after their name.\n", "\n", "i am not doing amazing sweetie\n", "\n", "Also see time value of money for a more detailed description of how financial capital may be analyzed.\n", "\n", "[ riding into battle ]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY\n", "\n", "It can't be duplicated in my life . ''\n", "\n", "Four Egyptian soldiers killed, 12 injured in Sinai explosion \n", "\n", "The neighboring Talmudic school was demolished so that other new buildings would keep the view of the beach nearby.\n", "\n", "EU eyes shifting some development funds toward tackling migration crisis \n", "\n", "From 2001 to 2005 , Gonzales served in the Bush Administration as White House Counsel.\n", "\n", "A cheeseburger may have more than one hamburger patty and slice of cheese.\n", "\n", "From the 16th century onwards linen production was established little by little.\n", "\n", "I slept in the kitchen last night. Why? Because I wanted breakfast in bed.\n", "\n", "A burp is just a fart that took the elevator.\n", "\n", "Daimler recalls 840,000 vehicles in U.S. for airbag concerns \n", "\n", "Whenever I have a problem, I just sing. Then I realize that my voice is worse than my problem and it isn't a big deal anymore.\n", "\n", "Mountain climbers are curious types. They always want to take another peak.\n", "\n", "Obama to meet with Jordan's King Abdullah: White House \n", "\n", "How will Britain's EU membership referendum work? Here's a handy guide:\n", "\n", "However , Bart breaks his promise and goes to jump the gorge.\n", "\n", "Pangolin are hunted and eaten in many parts of Africa and it is one of the more popular types of bush meat.\n", "\n", "I like to freak my dentist out by seductively licking his fingers during procedures.\n", "\n", "me: talk to my lawyer\r", "\r", "\r\n", "judge: ur lawyer is a mop with a face painted on it\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ya she's my girlfriend too\r", "\r", "\r\n", "judge: nice\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: thank u we r happy\n", "\n", "i'm starting a feminist program where i teach young girls to torrent without their boyfriend's help\n", "\n", "Beijing says U.S. warship sailing near Paracel Islands violated Chinese laws \n", "\n", "why is it that you can introduce your significant other as your “partner in crime” a million times and everyones cool with it but you introduce them as your “Crime Partner” once and the host of the party wont stop following you around their house\n", "\n", "My favorite sexual position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.\n", "\n", "Boss to staff: \"What incentives would make you work harder?\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Staff member: \"Bonus!\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Boss: \"I'm not boning any of you.\"\n", "\n", "After this , WCW 's men came into the ring and high-fived the ECW men.\n", "\n", "Cameron says to assert British parliament is sovereign over EU laws \n", "\n", "Some soldiers during the First World War stated that it smelled faintly of May Blossom.\n", "\n", "Stairway trails are another way to ascend higher slopes.\n", "\n", "Administrators patrol this category from time to time and will respond to requests as appropriate.\n", "\n", "Through a miracle it was revealed which of the three was the True Cross.\n", "\n", "lI fight for what I believe in. I am a mercenary, and I believe in money.\n", "\n", "My wife has no hands. I feel for her.\n", "\n", "What did the doctor say to the angry midget? \"I'm going to ask you to be a little patient.\"\n", "\n", "Under extreme climatic conditions , a biennial plant may complete its life cycle in a very short period of time.\n", "\n", "I'm beginning to think that if opportunity ever does knock, it'll be because it has to use my bathroom.\n", "\n", "If I had a penny for every time someone gave me their dog to look after. I'd have a pound.\n", "\n", "At first it felt weird stirring my cocktail with this baby spoon but if it wasn't for cocktails this spoon wouldn't even be here.\n", "\n", "When Graham was hospitalized briefly in 1976 , three Presidents called in one day to wish him well : former President Nixon , current President Ford and President-elect Carter.\n", "\n", "The pass road begins at Dargai.\n", "\n", "Her first solo album Into The West went platinum in its first week of sales in New Zealand.\n", "\n", "Where do boats go when they are sick? The dock.\n", "\n", "Wife and daughter are out of town, which means I'm the man of the house now.\n", "\n", "My indoor clothes dryer broke this morning..It was the end of an airer.\n", "\n", "What's better than eating a mandarin? Eating Amanda out.\n", "\n", "HER: You're so emotionally limited\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: That really hurts my feeling\n", "\n", "Isolated Nepal PM could be toppled by constitution crisis \n", "\n", "It has been 1,950 years since the REAL summer of 69.\n", "\n", "Me: *pokes straw in a jelly donut and drinks it like a Capri Sun*\n", "\n", "Imagine meeting the woman of your dreams then hearing her say “Last stitch effort.”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I guess by then it’s a mute point.\n", "\n", "[after sex]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "PAUL REVERE:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "PAUL REVERE: did i make it weird? i feel like i made it weird\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: are u even british?\n", "\n", "Missiles hit school, hospital in Syrian border town, 14 dead: residents \n", "\n", "Chuck Norris is a stupid actor! if he was a good actor he'd come over and slap my head on the keyknadjndbndkndbjdknskodokdnsnmanbsjdo\n", "\n", "A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.\n", "\n", "I threw caution into the wind, but the wind was blowing straight back at me.\n", "\n", "At least 12 dead in clashes between army and Islamists in Libya's Benghazi \n", "\n", "Yankee’s game. Bottom of the ninth. Score is tied. Bases loaded. A timeout is called. I trot up to the mound to talk to the pitcher. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: \"I don't really follow baseball, I won these tickets at the mall.”\n", "\n", "Lambert was married twice.\n", "\n", "The Komodo dragon has a tail as long as its body , as well as about 60 frequently replaced serrated teeth that can measure up to 2.5 centimeters in length.\n", "\n", "Peacock terms are especially hard to deal with without using weasel words.\n", "\n", "Yo mama is so fat she has diabetes and an increased risk of cardiovascular disease.\n", "\n", "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says 'Sorry we don't serve food in here'\n", "\n", "When a maple syrup producer sees a maple tree they don't own, do they think \"I'd tap that\"?\n", "\n", "North Korea says it successfully tested a miniaturized hydrogen nuclear bomb: \n", "\n", "I'm going to make a shirt for fat people that says \"I beat anorexia\".\n", "\n", "The nice thing about history repeating itself is it's all automatic. You don't even have to do anything\n", "\n", "The best way to do it is to put the structure on a shake-table that simulates the earth shaking and watch what may happen next.\n", "\n", "I just saw a sign in a shop'Mosquito nets £10'. It turns out he won it on a scratchcard.\n", "\n", "I named my hard drive \"dat ass\" so that once a month, my computer asks me if I want to, \"back dat ass up.\"\n", "\n", "Changing my Facebook language to Spanish. So now instead of a \"Like\" button, I have a \"Me Gusta\" button.\n", "\n", "Sanders and Clinton even at 50 percent in Nevada with 13% precincts reporting \n", "\n", "The site receives over one million new job listings each month , making it one of the top job boards in the world.\n", "\n", "U.S. 'hopes' Saudi Arabia may reopen Tehran embassy \n", "\n", "he’s still cool\n", "\n", "My wife keeps complaining about my premature ejaculation, she took it on the chin at first but now it just gets on her tits.\n", "\n", "If you smash open a carousel horse like a piñata, it is filled with olives and feta and sun-dried tomatoes.\n", "\n", "Two players regularly form a side in courts divided by a net like tennis.\n", "\n", "Twitter considering 10,000-character limit for tweets: report \n", "\n", "If octopuses can open jars from the inside why don't they include an octopus in food that comes in jars? First, it would make jars easier to open for elders who are living alone. Second, jobs for octopuses.\n", "\n", "Murdoch, Jerry Hall to celebrate marriage at 'journalists' church' St Bride's \n", "\n", "Hong Kong publishers spooked, anti-China books off shelves \n", "\n", "I used to know how to make those little fizzy sweets, but then I forgot. So I went on a Refresher course\n", "\n", "There are many types of color blindness.\n", "\n", "All girls that are 13-17 look exactly the same now. #college\n", "\n", "My wife left me because she said it was annoying how I related everything in life to batman. What a Joker.\n", "\n", "California lethal injection plan spurs capital punishment fight \n", "\n", "How Islamic State in Mosul manipulates the exchange rate between US dollars and Iraqi dinars \n", "\n", "Islamic State battle turns Iraq's Ramadi into ghost town \n", "\n", "A Good Dog Deserves A Good Bone\n", "\n", "She met him for the first time at a prom in Ludwigshafen , Germany , when she was 15 years old.\n", "\n", "Showdown between Obama and Republican-controlled Senate looms over Scalia's replacement: \n", "\n", "There are two deaf blokes Sat at each end of the bus, signing each other wildly. I'm fighting the urge to ask them to keep it down.\n", "\n", "The 2009 Formula One season was the 60th FIA Formula One World Championship season.\n", "\n", "What do guys with loud exhausts do with all that pussy anyway?\n", "\n", "you ever see a family that looks so much alike, you think \"damn, these people could be related\"\n", "\n", "Me to any gay couple: so which one of you is the one that carries a tote bag and which one of you is the one that always asks to put stuff in the other’s tote bag\n", "\n", "I may walk slowly, but unlike you, I never walk back.\n", "\n", "Hercules replies that Zeus could make it work that way.\n", "\n", "When **** Speak It Is Too Late To Argue\n", "\n", "David Bowie's son not gaga over singer's Grammy tribute \n", "\n", "me: i was attacked by ninjas-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "doctor: says here you kicked a target cement sphere to see if it would bounce\n", "\n", "On September 25 , Hurricane Jeanne began a slow turn to the east.\n", "\n", "Jackdaw In Peacock's Feathers\n", "\n", "One man near Lemon City was killed by falling timber.\n", "\n", "Why don't jews eat pussy? It's too close to the gas chamber\n", "\n", "Unlocking San Bernardino iPhone would be 'bad for America': Apple CEO Tim Cook \n", "\n", "What's a Canadian's favorite letter? A.\n", "\n", "All Are Not Hunters That Blow The Horn\n", "\n", "Have you heard my under construction joke? It's not done yet.\n", "\n", "I became a father the day my daughter was born but I didn’t become a dad until the first time she rolled her eyes at me.\n", "\n", "There are 2 things I am absolutely sure about:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "1. Climate change\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "2. My cat will one day kill a mouse and try and shove it in my mouth when I'm sleeping\n", "\n", "A Good Anvil Does Not Fear The Hammer\n", "\n", "I went to the doctor and he said \"don't eat anything fatty.\" I asked \" no bacon? No steak?\" He replied \"No fatty, just don't eat anything! \"\n", "\n", "He That Has An Ill Name Is Half Hanged\n", "\n", "I combined all of the watches I own into a belt. It was a complete waste of time. \n", "\n", "*kurt eichenwald posts pic of his fridge, revealing expired tub of mayo*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "KURT: it's not what you think. my large sons & I jerk off with it\n", "\n", "God: you’re a bird.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Penguin: yay!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: but you can’t fly.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Penguin: why?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: you need way more feathers to fly.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[flying squirrel glides by]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Penguin:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: technically that’s not flying lol.\n", "\n", "Nailsea and Backwell railway station is managed by First Great Western.\n", "\n", "I wonder if earth makes fun of other planets for having no life.\n", "\n", "Grover comes to the rescue and causes a Panic to scare away the enemy.\n", "\n", "Fortune Is Easily Found, But Hard To Be Kept\n", "\n", "Mary and Joseph. Now they had a stable relationship.\n", "\n", "I really need to finish my essay on the wind..At the moment it's little more than a draft.\n", "\n", "Hurdles remain as Iran seeks aviation investment: \n", "\n", "I was so excited when the hosepipe ban was lifted. I wet my plants.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between an outlaw and an in- law? Outlaws are wanted. \n", "\n", "Brazil justice minister to resign: presidency source \n", "\n", "An organic brain may or may not be considered a data storage device.\n", "\n", "I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, \"Do you have any firearms with you?\" I said: \"What do you need?\"\n", "\n", "I need a filling, but I've been to the dentist before so it's okay. I know the drill.\n", "\n", "South Korea demands more sanctions on 'serial offender' North: \n", "\n", "States ask U.S. top court to block Obama carbon emissions plan \n", "\n", "What Is Bred In The Bone Will Not Go Out Of The Flesh\n", "\n", "Syrian government forces attack rebels near Aleppo, talks to convene \n", "\n", "What's worse than finding a worm in you apple? Finding half a worm.\n", "\n", "Many composers have written Requiems.\n", "\n", "Traffic Update: Vicks Vaporub lorry has overturned on the motorway. Police have confirmed that there will be no congestion for 8 hours\n", "\n", "Volkswagen faces billions in fines as U.S. sues for environmental violations \n", "\n", "Brazil orders release of senator in corruption probe \n", "\n", "What are two things you can never have for Breakfast? Lunch and Dinner.\n", "\n", "Saudi minister says Syrian rebels should get surface-to-air missiles \n", "\n", "The local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself. No fence. Nun taken.\n", "\n", "One person was killed in Tecpan.\n", "\n", "Why am I always to blame for not paying attention?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "If your meetings had more ninjas and explosions you would have my undivided attention.\n", "\n", "This subtemplate gives.\n", "\n", "Forty percent of Germans say Merkel should resign over refugee policy: poll - \n", "\n", "Obama to make historic trip to Cuba in coming weeks, official says \n", "\n", "A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.\n", "\n", "Siri told me to go East so I did the whole Never Eat Soggy Waffles and realized I’m 24. Just look at the fucking sunsetting and go away from it.\n", "\n", "See the welcome page to learn more about Wikipedia.\n", "\n", "Is it time to cry? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " yes yes yes \r", "\r", "\r\n", " yes yes \r", "\r", "\r\n", "yes \\_ yes \r", "\r", "\r\n", " yes yes\r", "\r", "\r\n", " yes yes yes\n", "\n", "If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck, it must be one of a million species dying in the ongoing mass extinction.\n", "\n", "Her show sometimes featured as many as 40 troupers and made her the highest-paid black entertainer of her day.\n", "\n", "everything important comes in fours:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "•horsemen of the apocalypse\r", "\r", "\r\n", "•directions\r", "\r", "\r\n", "•ninja turtles\r", "\r", "\r\n", "•the seasons\r", "\r", "\r\n", "•the oceans movies\r", "\r", "\r\n", "•suits in a deck of cards\r", "\r", "\r\n", "•the elements\r", "\r", "\r\n", "•neck/back/pussy/crack\n", "\n", "[after first guy to lose rock paper scissors is stoned to death]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "next guy up: what if the winner just smacks the losers hand\n", "\n", "My wife is a famous porn star. She would be pissed if she found out.\n", "\n", "Germany investigates Syrian student suspected of making ISIS video \n", "\n", "After Dinner Comes The Reckoning\n", "\n", "Mr. King, the Republican Party literally stripped you of your Congressional committee assignments because you were too racist even for them.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My Jewish constituents have made clear to me that they proudly stand w/ caged children who are starved, denied sleep & sanitation.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bye \n", "\n", "The two disc set includes songs from 1980-2005.\n", "\n", "Suger was one of the last French abbot-statesmen , a historian , and the influential first patron of Gothic architecture.\n", "\n", "adam levine said \"one more fucking love song i'll be sick\" and then wrote more love songs and we let him get away with it\n", "\n", "Why did Jesus quit playing hockey? He was tired of getting nailed to the boards.\n", "\n", "Guess which one of these sweet potatoes my husband bought.\n", "\n", "ME: -anyways I’ve talked enough about my weekend plans, what about you guys?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "KIDNAPPER: How does he keep getting out of his gag\n", "\n", "House Republicans ready legal fight against Obama's Guantanamo plan \n", "\n", "Swiss may decide their own limits on migrants from EU without Brussels: foreign minister \n", "\n", "At least 51 killed in attacks in Iraqi capital, eastern town \n", "\n", "So glad I don't have to hunt for food. I don't even know where sandwiches live.\n", "\n", "The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.\n", "\n", "What food kills a woman's sex drive? Wedding cake.\n", "\n", "elevator men are so nice. they’re always allowing me on to their elevator first so i can be the one to hold the elevator door for them and press all their floor buttons according to their dictated specifications\n", "\n", "Spanish , as a mother tongue , is spoken by more than 333 million people.\n", "\n", "Farmer: Welcome to our organic farm. I’m Gus and this is my twin brother.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Brother: I’m a spare Gus.\n", "\n", "My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with \"The Monkeys\". I thought she was joking, then I saw her face.\n", "\n", "The 12 '' single included the 1985 live version that would later appear on the 1988 album Tina Live in Europe.\n", "\n", "Germany, France can't solve refugee issue without me: Italy PM \n", "\n", "Many people also work in the numerous offices of international organizations located in Geneva.\n", "\n", "Please don't interupt me while im ignoring you.\n", "\n", "What is Santa's favourite pizza?One that's deep pan, crisp and even.\n", "\n", "German government accuses Russian media of biased reporting \n", "\n", "Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the murder mystery porno? In the end, everyone did it.\n", "\n", "Did you ever hear about the Lucky Charms leprechaun's evil twin? He was tragically malicious.\n", "\n", "U.S. businessman jailed in Iran breaks hunger strike: mother \n", "\n", "Jeter 's home run was called by one of his Yankee predecessors at shortstop , broadcaster Phil Rizzuto.\n", "\n", "I gave my girlfriend blood today, I know it's not a great Valentine's gift , but it came from the heart.\n", "\n", "Laos PM, party boss set for political exit after congress vote \n", "\n", "Protists live in almost any environment that contains liquid water.\n", "\n", "here's how we have \"progressed\" as a country since the 1950s: when I was a kid, racists had to hide under white hoods. nowadays they tweet from the Senate floor\n", "\n", "BOJ adopts negative rates in ramped-up stimulus campaign, stuns markets \n", "\n", "An aqueduct is a water supply or navigable channel constructed to convey water.\n", "\n", "wife: are you awake? I had the craziest dream we were at my parent's house but it wasn't my parent's house, it was an Olive Garden there was a girl, you remember Christina? but her hair was spaghetti and...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me:\n", "\n", "PUPIL: \"Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?\" \r\n", "TEACHER:\" Of course not.\" \r\n", "PUPIL: \"Good, because I haven’t done my homework.\"\n", "\n", "Kenyan troops abandon Somali camp to al Shabaab militants \n", "\n", "Adele 'cried all day' after shaky Grammy performance \n", "\n", "My parents are omnipotent. In other words, they are all-no-ing.\n", "\n", "grandma wants to know why I got heathen tattoos instead of buying a house and also how does her gps work she overshot her destination by 30 minutes and is lost please how does it work how\n", "\n", "The Wests later had two daughters.\n", "\n", "Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice\n", "\n", "One time I told a rival dad that the air pressure looked low in one of his tires right in front of a group of people.\n", "\n", "(By the way - I recently read that very memo. It was brimming with the self-righteous hubris of one w/out the wisdom or experience (or temperament - yet) to recognize that just cause someone disagrees with you, they're not necessary \"wrong.\" I don't blame em for being pissed.)\n", "\n", "Lamentations was certified Gold in Canada.\n", "\n", "Far away\n", "\n", "murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon :(\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "aragorn: you have my sword\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "legolas: and you have my bow \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "gimli: and my axe \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :')\n", "\n", "Irish PM says will attempt to form new government \n", "\n", "Today's comic is based on a tweet by @LlamaInaTux!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Check it out here: https://twitter.com/llamainatux/status/1120495813480857602?s=21 …\n", "\n", "What's the difference between sex and golf? In golf one bad hole won't kill you.\n", "\n", "Saudis signal backing for Syria talks despite row with Iran \n", "\n", "\"Y'all\" is short for \"yellow alligator\"\n", "\n", "Alleged former IRA chief gets 18 months in jail for tax evasion \n", "\n", "Twelve killed in blast in Syrian capital's main Shi'ite quarter \n", "\n", "ME: give it to me straight doc how much longer do i have to live\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DOCTOR: sir. again. anxiety isn't life threatening. you should be able to live a long healthy life.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: but like do i have to\n", "\n", "The friends then go a field , where they drink and laugh.\n", "\n", "A month before touring for Louder Than Love commenced , bassist Hiro Yamamoto , who was becoming frustrated that he wasn't contributing much , left to go back to college.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the local crossword champion who passed away? You can find him at the local cemetary 6 down and 4 across.\n", "\n", "Why do girls always get mad when I try to read their shirts? It's not my fault I'm blind.\n", "\n", "It first began selling books online in the late 1980s , but the company 's web site was not launched until May 1997.\n", "\n", "Consternation at Austrian case of Nazi camp survivors called 'a plague' \n", "\n", "What do ducks smoke? Qwack\n", "\n", "In 1891 , Chongqing became the first inland commerce port open to foreigners.\n", "\n", "3 years. RIP Darwyn #DarwynCooke @Nicest_Girl_Evr\n", "\n", "In industry , both hot water and water heated to steam have many uses.\n", "\n", "It was later renamed Machina and then to Elephants Dream after the way in which Dutch children 's stories abruptly end.\n", "\n", "On the trip , his friend Grover , revealed to be a satyr , urgently tells Percy 's mother that Percy must go to a certain camp.\n", "\n", "Why did the painting go to jail? It was framed. \n", "\n", "Shortly after , they signed with the PS Company label and in May , released their first EP , Cockayne Soup.\n", "\n", "haHA! I have bamboozled you into sending me photos of lizards. A well hatched scheme imo\n", "\n", " Jakarta police chief says Islamic State ‘definitely’ behind attack. More: \n", "\n", "Like all forms of paintball , scenario paintball has a very good per-capita safety record.\n", "\n", "He was hanged for murder at Old Melbourne Gaol in 1880.\n", "\n", "Tunisian forces kill five militants crossing from Libya \n", "\n", "Before dying , the Great Deku Tree gives Link the spiritual stone of the forest , the Kokiri 's Emerald , and sends him to Hyrule Castle to speak with the princess of destiny , Zelda.\n", "\n", "Why did they have to cancel the volleyball games in the special olympics? It wasn't going over too well.\n", "\n", "Damascus backs Syria talks, wants list of 'terrorist groups' and opposition negotiators \n", "\n", "Doraemon is sent back in time by Nobita Nobi 's great-great grandson Sewashi to improve Nobita 's circumstances so that his descendants may enjoy a better future.\n", "\n", "For instance , there are two nines on the A scale ; to find the square root of nine , use the first one ; the second one gives the square root of 90.\n", "\n", "Third member of London 2017 board quits: \n", "\n", "See the documentation on.\n", "\n", "It was there that they decided to find her a new name.\n", "\n", "Okay, so. Former zoo keeper here, working mainly with wolves, big cats and bears. I know my shit. And I can tell you that wolves do not howl at this age, unless in pain. My guess is that she's squeezing its paw. Do not retweet.\n", "\n", "An angel came and told me God has been hearing my prayers...and they're really creeping Him out.\n", "\n", "Guy: *sends dick pic*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: do you seriously not have sheets on your bed good god get it together man we’re not in college\n", "\n", "Somebody drilled a hole in the fence around the nudist colony. Police are looking into it.\n", "\n", "Give Him An Inch And He'll Take An Ell\n", "\n", "How Dutch police are training eagles to snatch enemy drones: \n", "\n", "Which spice girl can hold the most petrol? Geri can\n", "\n", "Germany, Afghanistan work together to return refugees to Kabul \n", "\n", "am i funnier than i am hot or am i hotter than i am funny man this is a real chicken or the egg scenario wow\n", "\n", "If I had to describe myself in one word it would be \"Doesn't understand instructions\"\n", "\n", "Pouring a shot of liquor in my belly button and duct taping over it to bring it to a party\n", "\n", "Capitalization can really change a sentence. For example:\r\n", "I love to eat candy.\r\n", "I love to eat capitalization. \r\n", "\r\n", "\n", "\n", "Suu Kyi allies to form Myanmar ruling party after decades of struggle \n", "\n", "Name Not A Rope In His House That Was Hanged\n", "\n", "I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.\n", "\n", "Schoenberg refused , saying `` I would only make you a bad Schoenberg , and you 're such a good Gershwin already . ''\n", "\n", "Documents show match-fixing at top level of world tennis: BBC/BuzzFeed \n", "\n", "Children sacrificed to bring luck in Uganda elections: charity \n", "\n", "Sacred Heart is still a widely used name for many Roman Catholic institutions , including schools , colleges , and hospitals in many countries around the world.\n", "\n", "Why did the hipster go kayaking in a tributary? Rivers are too mainstream. \n", "\n", "What does a clock do when its hungry? Go back for seconds.\n", "\n", "Six people killed in random Michigan shootings, suspect in custody \n", "\n", "In 1606 he killed a young man in a brawl and fled from Rome with a price on his head.\n", "\n", "Why did the bacteria cross the microscope? To get to the other slide.\n", "\n", "I can feel my soul leaving my body\n", "\n", "How does a Jewish mother change a light bulb? \"No, that's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark.\"\n", "\n", "Nicola Sturgeon speaks on the benefits of EU membership. Followed by Q&A. Watch: \n", "\n", "Once you have a PhD, every meeting you go to is a doctor's appointment.\n", "\n", "What do you call a man with no arms or legs in water? Bob. What do you call a man swimming in water with no arms or legs? Clever Dick\n", "\n", "The invention of the shovel was ground-breaking.\n", "\n", "Have you ever seen Puns: The Musical? If not, you really should. It's a great play on words.\n", "\n", "Sorry for no tweets yesterday, I think my neighbors forgot to pay the Internet bill. How irresponsible of them.\n", "\n", "Lobsters are omnivores , and typically eat live prey such as fish , mollusks , other crustaceans , worms , and some plant life.\n", "\n", "What do you call an airplane that flies backwards? A receding airline\n", "\n", "Why are ghosts so bad at lying? Because you can see right through them.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between a porcupine and a Hummer? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.\n", "\n", "I drank a bottle of cat shampoo last night. Dont ask meow!\n", "\n", "My sister has a new job, but it's hard to say what she does. She sells sea shells on the seashore.\n", "\n", "French plan advances to strip passports from those convicted of terrorism \n", "\n", "It is also only possible for trees which are solid to the center of the tree ; many very old trees become hollow as the dead heartwood decays away.\n", "\n", "Swiss investigating alleged secret 1970 PLO deal \n", "\n", "I'm throwing a party for people who have issues with orgasms. Can you come?\n", "\n", "They had one son , Schuyler Colfax III , born in 1870.\n", "\n", "Michigan emails show officials knew of Flint water disease risk \n", "\n", "Lad asks Granny \"Have you seen my pills,they were labelled LSD?\" Granny replies \"fook the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!\"\n", "\n", "If I hadn't heard her I 'd have probably done something entirely different . ''\n", "\n", "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1\n", "\n", "A Black Hen Lays A White Egg\n", "\n", "Health advice: the more birthdays you have, the longer you live. Guaranteed.\n", "\n", "What's big, grey and doesn't matter? An irr-elephant.\n", "\n", "Oil prices set to end week higher on output freeze, but glut looms: \n", "\n", "The man was about 70 at the time of death.\n", "\n", "Tunisia. Five years after the 'Arab Spring' Photo essay: \n", "\n", "The two series are played in late May each year after the first and second rounds of the playoffs and before the Finals.\n", "\n", "Time Cures All Things\n", "\n", "The project would bring the maximum output of the facility to 40 GW , twice that of China 's Three Gorges Dam.\n", "\n", "For fans who didn't catch it the fifth , tenth or twentieth time they 've run the angle , `` Stone Cold '' Steve Austin and Vince McMahon are about to feud once again ... First up was Vincent McMahon labeling Austin with a steel chair as he was waiting to put a dazed RVD away ... Three minutes later , it was Shane McMahon 's turn to hurl Kurt Angle out of the ring and into a steel ring post.\n", "\n", "Salt Water And Absence Wash Away Love\n", "\n", "Why do birds fly south for the winter? Cos it's too far to walk.\n", "\n", "France fails to win immediate EU action on farming crisis \n", "\n", "Iran released U.S. sailors in international waters: \n", "\n", "It has a regular year of 365 days divided into 12 months , and a leap day is added to February every four years . Hence the Julian year is on average 365.25 days long.\n", "\n", "The Victorian gold rush , which occurred in Australia in 1851 soon after the California gold rush , was the biggest of several Australian gold rushes.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between a cactus and a school bus? Cactus has little pricks on the outside\n", "\n", "Mary has 24 cupcakes she eats 9 at lunchtime, then she eats another 6 at dinner time. What does Mary have now? Diabetes\n", "\n", "It may be useful on other high-volume talk pages , or on process pages that work like talk pages , where users new to a discussion ask the same questions repeatedly.\n", "\n", "I've already accomplished* so much today\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*been afraid of a goose\n", "\n", "Malaysia says debris found off Thai coast not from missing MH370 \n", "\n", "They all keep a straight face until Uncle Eddie says that the fig pudding is the best ever and asks Dad if he has added some new ingredient.\n", "\n", "The chrysalis is dark brown or rarely tan , with gold eyes and short gold lateral and subdorsal cones.\n", "\n", "Khalid was received by his elder brother Walid bin Walid and was first among the three men to enter Islam.\n", "\n", "I went to Seoul the other day to sell fluorescent markers. It was the highlight of my Korea.\n", "\n", "The term redox comes from the two concepts of reduction and oxidation.\n", "\n", "Ireland set to oust government, no obvious replacement: exit poll \n", "\n", "Why did the guitarist go to jail? For fingering A minor\n", "\n", "Denver defense, Manning beat Pats off to Super Bowl \n", "\n", "What does every Pirate bachelor hate? A small chest with no booty.\n", "\n", "I just drank some WKD with ice in it. It was wicked.\n", "\n", "just overheard my big boyfriend saying “my girlfriend’s kind of a weird guy”\n", "\n", "MPs piles pressure on watchdog over HBOS accounting probe \n", "\n", "It is 114 m long and highly stylised , the neck , body and tail varying little in width.\n", "\n", "UK finance ministry says no contingency plans for Brexit \n", "\n", "What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.\n", "\n", "Russia pushes U.N. Security Council on Syria sovereignty \n", "\n", "On the anterior end of the fish , there are two dorsal fins.\n", "\n", "vampire: mirror mirror on the wall who's the fairest of them all?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "magic mirror: who said that?\n", "\n", "why do birthdays stop being good? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "because you get old and you have had so many they are boring!!\n", "\n", "Obama, Merkel discuss aid for Syrian refugees: White House \n", "\n", "I'm a cow boy/ on a grass field I ride/ I'm wanted, WANTED/ for milk, meat and hide\n", "\n", "It's a wonderful day to go to the gas station and pet the hot dogs\n", "\n", "*releases helium-filled heart balloon*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: You're free now\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Balloon: Ima choke a bird\n", "\n", "On her own time , she took some memorable photographs during the Great Depression of people from all economic and social classes . Collections of her photographs were published as One Time , One Place and Photographs.\n", "\n", "What concert costs 45 cents? 50 cent and nickel back.\n", "\n", "Yo mama is so stupid, it took her two hours to watch 60 minutes.\n", "\n", "Two naked oiled up women just burst in my house and started wrestling with my wife. Luckily, I was able to knock one out.\n", "\n", "We 'll never know ; we 're stuck with our interval.\n", "\n", "I hate living where I do. I used to think 55 degrees is cold now I think 18 degrees is warm.\n", "\n", "Presenter: Japan is facing a ninja shortage.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: ᵖⁱᶜᵏ ᵐᵉ\n", "\n", "I have a fear of speed bumps..but I'm slowly getting over it.\n", "\n", "It is one of twelve secondary schools run by the Aberdeen City Council educational department.\n", "\n", "One of the main criticisms of the SPL is the dominance of the two Old Firm clubs , Celtic and Rangers.\n", "\n", "Michael Bloomberg may launch independent U.S. presidential bid: report \n", "\n", "A Soft Answer Turns Away Wrath\n", "\n", "The oldest of the children , Sean , was only twelve years old at the time.\n", "\n", "I don’t mind murder if we’re gonna keep getting these fire Netflix documentaries.\n", "\n", "Traditionally this is accompanied by white shorts and black socks with red turn-downs.\n", "\n", "husband: *mopping up pools of blood from the kitchen floor*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *walks in* OH MY GOD\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "husband: babe, I can explain-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: you’re cleaning \n", "\n", "A wrestler who is eliminated without a referee noticing may sometimes sneak back into the match.\n", "\n", "Giraffes are the cockiest beings I've ever met, do you know how long it takes for them to swallow their pride?\n", "\n", "Film director Rainer Werner Fassbinder and actor Yank Azman were born in Bad Wörishofen.\n", "\n", "Senior opposition negotiator Alloush says not optimistic on talks \n", "\n", "I tried on a pair of jeans from 7 years ago and they still fit perfectly. My \"eat whatever I want and hope nothing happens\" diet is working!\n", "\n", "Hearing dogs may be trained professionally in as little as three months , though many are trained for closer to a year.\n", "\n", "me: [imagining a train made of bamboo, traveling across a jungle] i’m excited\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: panda express is a chinese restaurant\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: not a transportation system for pandas\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i’m less excited\n", "\n", "[after sex]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: that was great\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: yeah\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: one thing tho\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: mhm?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: did you say “holey moley” when you finished?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: a lot of things were said\n", "\n", "Japan's Sharp decides to accept Foxconn takeover offer: sources\n", "\n", "How do you make a Pirate angry? Take away the P\n", "\n", "My girlfriend left me for my neediness of approval. That's ridiculous, right guys? Right? Right?\n", "\n", "Kurdish coordination with Syria and Russia making Britain uneasy: \n", "\n", "Laugh! When people are laughing, they're generally not killing each other.\n", "\n", "i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell\n", "\n", "If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?\n", "\n", "What is Tom Hanks' wireless password? 1forrest1\n", "\n", "I had a dream I was swimming in a ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta Sea.\n", "\n", "Never Put Off Till Tomorrow What You Can Do Today\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the guy who went bankrupt in the laundry business? He says he's all washed up.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between a Canadian Hockey player and an Iraqi woman? The Hockey player takes a shower after three periods.\n", "\n", "saving up all my (none) money to buy a farm so I can grow squash and write books and raise goats and wave a pitchfork threateningly at everyone I see\n", "\n", "A close friend , singer Miriam Makeba , persuaded her to go to Liberia.\n", "\n", "The template produces one row in a family tree table.\n", "\n", "Why are there only 239 beans in Irish stew? Because one more, and it'd be too farty.\n", "\n", "Actress del Castillo says Mexico government wants to 'destroy' her: report \n", "\n", "Whats the difference between you and a calendar? A calendar has dates.\n", "\n", "If it's a Classified Ad, Why is it publicly published?\n", "\n", "As he battles his enemies for the first time , Parker finds juggling his personal life and costumed adventures difficult.\n", "\n", "FBI moving in on last four occupiers at Oregon wildlife refuge \n", "\n", "Every positive number x has two square roots.\n", "\n", "When a photobomb improves the picture 1000%\n", "\n", "A Lawyer Never Goes To Law Himself\n", "\n", "Sudanese refugee who walked through Channel Tunnel will face UK trial: \n", "\n", "\"Keep on Trying\" By Percy Veer\n", "\n", "It's One Thing To Flourish And Another To Fight\n", "\n", "Some day you'll go far, and I hope you stay there.\n", "\n", "*shipwrecked diary*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Day 2: I have married the crab. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Day 3: I have eaten my wife.\n", "\n", "Cameron heads for 'now or never' EU talks: \n", "\n", "In 1945 , Moore 's purchased a home in Albuquerque , New Mexico , where he would live for the rest of his life with his wife , Julie Chavez , whom he married in 1949.\n", "\n", "after four years my girlfriend still gives me butterflies every time I see her.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "she knows I'm terrified of butterflies they've taken over my home why does she do this to me she's so mean someone please help me\n", "\n", "I can't believe my best friend has died doing what he loved. He was a respected and popular skydiver. Really down to earth guy.\n", "\n", "Just been to visit my mates new baby, they asked me if I wanted to wind him. I thought that was a bit harsh, so I just gave him a dead leg.\n", "\n", "America's angry voters divvied up by Trump and Sanders: poll \n", "\n", "To the east of Portlethen lie three fishing villages : Findon , Downies and Old Portlethen.\n", "\n", "I added drums to that cat playing a drum solo in its sleep.\n", "\n", "Friends come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.\n", "\n", "Sri Lankan president seeks to win back EU relief on garment exports \n", "\n", "Suspected militants hit crude pipeline in Nigeria's Bayelsa state \n", "\n", "The Rhesus Macaque , often called the Rhesus Monkey , is one of the best known species of Old World monkeys.\n", "\n", "Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul suspends his 2016 White House campaign: \n", "\n", "Ecuador asks Sweden to submit new application over questioning of Wikileaks founder Assange: \n", "\n", "Air strike kills Yemeni judge and family: residents \n", "\n", "Many A True Word Is Spoken In Jest\n", "\n", "The png images here have hand optimised transparent background color so they look good in all browsers.\n", "\n", "Tampax have announced that they will be replacing their traditional tampon string with tinsel. This will be for the Christmas Period only.\n", "\n", "Jackson won three Academy Awards for , including the Academy Award for Best Director.\n", "\n", "Melling is a Great Britain international.\n", "\n", "TSA AGENT: folks, no liquid containers over 3.5 ounces\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CAMEL: oh no\n", "\n", "Poorer children never went to school.\n", "\n", "Stay off Facebook marketplace unless you are ready to find out there’s a guy in your town with a garage full of toothpaste.\n", "\n", "Doctor: [hiding behind couch] how was work today honey?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Teacher: a student gave me an apple :)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Doctor: [muttering] of course they did\n", "\n", "coworker: how’s it going\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i’m annoyed\r", "\r", "\r\n", "coworker: yeah lotta deadlines\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: what? oh work. oh yeah no i don’t think about work at all\r", "\r", "\r\n", "coworker: you’re at work right now\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: what\n", "\n", "Winnie the Pooh sets out for Piglet Corner, looking for his closest friend.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“Bitch better have my honey,” he mutters under his breath.\n", "\n", "Iran's Khamenei welcomes sanctions lift, warns of U.S. 'deceit' \n", "\n", "After taking a break in 1996 , Green Day began to work on a new album in 1997.\n", "\n", "`` Can't Stop This Thing We Started '' is a song by Bryan Adams.\n", "\n", "Oh you say “crime doesn’t pay” well tell that to the person that just stole my wallet filled with thinly sliced lunch meat.\n", "\n", "Boosting economy is way to beat extremism: Iran president \n", "\n", "A reaction turbine needs to fully contain the water during energy transfer.\n", "\n", "Most competitive teams keep two sets of uniforms , with one design emphasizing the primary color and the other emphasizing the secondary color.\n", "\n", "Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.\n", "\n", "I just peeked in to see if the kids were sleeping and saw my son sitting up in bed with his stuffies propped up all around him, gently patting them and talking to them in his sweet little voice and omg my fucking heart y'all\n", "\n", "However Armenian gravestones take many other forms , and only a minority are khatchkars.\n", "\n", "Migrants' boat capsizes off Turkish coast, 22 drown: coast guard \n", "\n", "Butterflies just aren't what they used to be.\n", "\n", "Liadan goes with her sister on the trip to her new home and on the way back she is kidnapped by an outlaw and brought to the camp of `` The Painted Man . ''\n", "\n", "I wish republicans would just give weed and sex a chance i feel like if they just try it they’ll understand how unchill they’ve been\n", "\n", "Legionnaires' outbreak near Flint discussed ahead of public notice: report \n", "\n", "I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.\n", "\n", "My Bengal of Gold , I love you.\n", "\n", "Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate. They both kill your dog\n", "\n", "I keep drinking six-packs, but my abs aren't getting anymore ripped.\n", "\n", "Death in Venice is an opera in two acts by Benjamin Britten , his last.\n", "\n", "I saw a woman wearing a t-shirt with \"Guess\" on it. I said \"Implants?\"\n", "\n", "I was playing rugby the other day and thought I'd scored a goal. But everyone just said nice try.\n", "\n", "Germany wants to introduce random emissions tests on cars \n", "\n", "Schengen collapse could cost EU up to 1.4 trillion euros over decade: \n", "\n", "Mexico recaptures drug boss 'Chapo' Guzman: President Pena Nieto \n", "\n", "Much of the chocolate consumed today is in the form of sweet chocolate , combining chocolate with sugar.\n", "\n", "Change , or `` away '' , strips have tended to be either white , often with black shorts , or a combination of yellow and black , referring back to the black and gold strips of the pre-war era , although for a time in the 1970s , Aberdeen sported an all-blue change strip with white socks.\n", "\n", "Manslaughter is usually broken down into two distinct categories : voluntary manslaughter and involuntary manslaughter.\n", "\n", "Old Persian subsequently evolved into Middle Persian , which is in turn the nominal ancestor of New Persian.\n", "\n", "In many places in some poor countries , maids often take on the role of a nurse in taking care of the elderly and people with disabilities.\n", "\n", "Plane searched at Cairo airport after bomb threat: sources \n", "\n", "Back on Earth the villagers thank Hercules for helping them and he and Deianeira go home.\n", "\n", "I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym. I guess we just weren't working out.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic, you use a feather. Kinky, you use the whole chicken.\n", "\n", "Former U.N. chief Boutros Boutros-Ghali has died: Venezuela U.N. envoy \n", "\n", "This template may be listed at Subst as a good candidate for substituting.\n", "\n", "Households headed by persons who identified as being Asian alone , on the other hand , were overrepresented among the top two quintiles.\n", "\n", "I Have faith in fools. In my friends' cases, they call it self-confidence.\n", "\n", "Live And Let Live\n", "\n", "Just sold my car for gas money.\n", "\n", "When I'm in America I drive on the right side of the road, which is of course the left.\n", "\n", "Each piece of organ would be burned before the sufferer 's eyes , and when he was completely disembowelled , his head would be cut off.\n", "\n", "Australian abuse inquiry says will sit in Rome to hear Vatican treasurer \n", "\n", "Leonardo DiCaprio's award \"for his leadership in tackling the climate crisis\" at Davos\n", "\n", "how has this show not been canceled yet\n", "\n", "Year 1000 of the Gregorian Calendar was the last year of the 10th century as well as the last year of the first millennium of the Christian era ending on December 31st.\n", "\n", "Thousands of Moroccans protest over public job cuts \n", "\n", "roman soldier: \"jesus has been crucified as instructed\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "emperor: \"he is dead?\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "roman soldier: \"yes my liege\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[3 days later]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "emperor: \"dave, can i have a word?\"\n", "\n", "[after losing rap battle] no i don't regret the jazz hands\n", "\n", "I want to share this on Instagram but clearly I’m too old to figure out how! Younglings - help\n", "\n", "As Myanmar powerbrokers talk, could Suu Kyi emerge as president? \n", "\n", "Peri and Corsi brought in the poet Ottavio Rinuccini to write a text , and the result , Dafne , though nowadays thought to be a long way from anything the Greeks would have recognized , is seen as the first work in a new form , opera.\n", "\n", "What do Mexicans and beans have in common? They both smell like beans.\n", "\n", "Just knocked over my Sports Direct mug and flooded my entire house.\n", "\n", "Hi, I'm a tagline. When I grow up I'm gonna be a novel!\n", "\n", "Missing radioactive material found dumped in south Iraq \n", "\n", "gf: don't tell my parents we've slept together \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ok\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[later]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her dad: tell me how you met\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: we met in a bar and stayed awake all night fucking\n", "\n", "[ordering from the dollar menu]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: I'll have 7 dollars plz\n", "\n", "This horse had a wedge-shaped head , large eye socket and small muzzle , all characteristics of the Arabian horse.\n", "\n", "Starbucks calling out the wrong names on orders...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "but it’s just me fucking up everybody’s name in a DM room.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the man who enjoyed having sex with fruit? Some people say he's not too weird, but I still think he's fucking bananas.\n", "\n", "The Firefox 2.0 instructions may not work on all browsers in the Mozilla family.\n", "\n", "The metal 's Quenya name is mistarille.\n", "\n", "I once got asked if I knew the difference between ignorance and apathy. I told them I didn't know, and didn't care.\n", "\n", "Pakistan army says deadly university attack controlled from Afghanistan \n", "\n", "A timeline of GM's faulty ignition switch: \n", "\n", "Global health body under pressure to stop Zika virus \n", "\n", "When Pigs Fly\n", "\n", "People who say \"Give it 100%\" haven't ever donated blood, have they?\n", "\n", "Fearing third escape, prison guards watch Mexico drug boss Chapo 24/7 \n", "\n", "I give back to the world by seeding my torrents.\n", "\n", "So I was at work at a conference call eating Cheetos without muting the mic. This is what I've always dreamt work would be.\n", "\n", "[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch\n", "\n", "My Boss stormed up to me in the office today and said \"You missed work yesterday, didn't you?\" \"Not particularly,\" I replied.\n", "\n", "This moth may be seen from May to August.\n", "\n", "Plugs keep bending? Straighten the outlet with a fork!\n", "\n", "Flannelette can either have long or short nap , and can be napped on only one or two sides.\n", "\n", "Aldair , full name Aldair Nascimento dos Santos is a Brazilian football defender.\n", "\n", "[desert island]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: look!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: what?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: a boat!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: HEEEEEELP!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *writing* day 287, she's still afraid of boats\n", "\n", "Support for Merkel dips further on German refugee fears \n", "\n", "Socks have the highest divorce rate.\n", "\n", "You know what gets me down? An extra chromosome\n", "\n", "Canada says it will lift sanctions against Iran but remain suspicious: \n", "\n", "Fame will go by , and , so long , I 've had you fame.\n", "\n", "What do you call a woodpecker with no beak? A headbanger.\n", "\n", "I can get you 5000 tampax for a fiver. No strings attached.\n", "\n", "Woah. “Hopefully”. Jeez.\n", "\n", "What do you call a wolf that swears? A swear wolf\n", "\n", "Gellar left All My Children in 1995.\n", "\n", "[starbucks barista] how can I help you today?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[my therapist, shouting from a distance] nobody can help him\n", "\n", "Outraged Italy demands justice for student slain in Egypt \n", "\n", "I am very quick to block guys’ numbers because i know that men, if given the opportunity to explain themselves, will only make things worse\n", "\n", "U.S. senator was told of link between Iran sanctions, prisoners \n", "\n", "It is a tycoon game in which the player must run a zoo and try to make a profit.\n", "\n", "Turkey about to conclude a deal with Israel on 'all issues': Turkish official \n", "\n", "Financially I'm set for life. As long as I die next Thursday.\n", "\n", "Don't Cross The Bridges Before You Come To Them\n", "\n", " U.S. stock markets record worst start to the year in history: Dow and S&P slid about 6 percent for the week\n", "\n", "\"What did the cat say to the dog. You're purrrrfect!\"\n", "\n", "Japan puts military on alert for possible North Korean missile test \n", "\n", "The only time Hindenburg ever objected to a Nazi bill occurred in early April 1933.\n", "\n", "The word baron comes from Old French baron , itself from Old High German and Latin baro meaning '' man , warrior '' ; it merged with cognate Old English beorn meaning `` nobleman . ''\n", "\n", "One Drop Of Poison Infects The Whole Tun Of Wine\n", "\n", "Descriptions were last updated in May 2003 to enhance uniformity.\n", "\n", "Australian icebreaker rescued in Antarctica: media \n", "\n", "Bolivian president's woes deepen as ex-girlfriend is held \n", "\n", "Why do banks charge you a \"non-sufficient funds fee\" when they already know you don't have any?\n", "\n", "The companion stars may be either ordinary stars , white dwarfs or other neutron stars.\n", "\n", "This tree is directly released as a new stable version.\n", "\n", "[at lunch]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Boss, interrupting: Oh sorry, you’re on lunch? Can you holler at me when you’re done. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, cowering: Um, isn’t that your job, Sir?\n", "\n", "Two Serbs abducted in Libya believed killed in U.S. raid on Islamic State \n", "\n", "Somali plane hit by bomb, meant to kill all on board - minister \n", "\n", "What do I get when I pour my Root Beer into a square mug? Just Beer.\n", "\n", "Scott Kelly and Mikhail Kornienko - spacemen returned to Earth: \n", "\n", "I got arrested the other day for holding a little girl's hand. They wanted to know where the rest of her body was\n", "\n", "Europol says Brexit would make UK counter-terrorism job harder:\n", "\n", "Rashawn Ross and Tim Reynolds have also become full time touring members of the band.\n", "\n", "people get offended at my jokes and threaten to block me, unaware that their tears make me taller and stronger and more powerful. soon I will be the size of a building and stomping through your metropolis, still telling jokes but now impervious to bullets.\n", "\n", "Two dead in suspected Yemen drone strike, coalition orders ships out \n", "\n", "Guess who I bumped into in the opticians today? Everybody.\n", "\n", "Rwanda to send Burundi refugees to other countries after U.S. warning \n", "\n", "I think I do better when I sing . ''\n", "\n", "Cameron says any EU reform deal would be irreversible \n", "\n", "Neighbor of San Bernardino gunman pleads innocent to terrorism charge: \n", "\n", "The longest escalator is at Angel station , 60 m long , with a vertical rise of 27.5 m. They run 20 hours a day , 364 days a year , with 95 % of them operational at any one time , and can cope with 13,000 passengers per hour.\n", "\n", "An elephant asks a camel why it had breasts on its back and the camel replied, ' silly question for someone who has a dick on its face '\n", "\n", "Three U.S. citizens who were kidnapped in Baghdad last month have been released: \n", "\n", "Storms were named Lorenzo , Michelle , and Olga for the first time in 2001.\n", "\n", "I asked the greengrocer for a bag of onions. He gave me one and said that's shallot.\n", "\n", "None of these units survived long enough in British Rail ownership to be allocated a TOPS class number.\n", "\n", "All field names must be in lowercase.\n", "\n", "it absolutely sickens me that someone at a graduation ceremony somewhere is calling me a proud alumni without my permission\n", "\n", "CHILDLIKE EMPRESS: [hands over a grain of sand, all that remains of Fantasia] what will you wish for\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: idk i already dropped it\n", "\n", "How fast does a Zebra have to run before it looks grey?\n", "\n", "Gilgamesh is described as two parts god and one part man.\n", "\n", "Once Bitten, Twice Shy\n", "\n", "It was the first time in Universal 's 26-year history that it had borrowed money for a production.\n", "\n", "the first rule of foo fight club is don’t be a monkey wrench\n", "\n", "What's the difference between love and herpes? Herpes lasts forever.\n", "\n", "Taylor wins by one shot at Pebble Beach \n", "\n", "Rupert Murdoch, Jerry Hall announce engagement: \n", "\n", "I just have to get through this week and every week after until I’m dead.\n", "\n", "How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?\n", "\n", "The last time I wore a princess skirt out of the house I felt so cute and pretty until a seagull at the beach stole my hotdog so I was standing on the boardwalk shouting at a bird\n", "\n", "You make me blush sir! @justinbaldoni\n", "\n", "[6 months into my research and having spent $12m of wolf science budget]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: they howl at the moon cos they don’t like it\n", "\n", "Promise Little, But Do Much\n", "\n", "My girlfriend just asked for some alone time.. I made her a MySpace account.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak!\n", "\n", "Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything.\n", "\n", "Surely every car is a people carrier?\n", "\n", "What did Barack Obama say when he dropped his shell at the beach? Oh no Michelle!\n", "\n", "Might fuck around and subtweet tweeters who use subtweets to tweet tweeters who subtweet tweeters\n", "\n", "U.S. jobless claims rise more than expected \n", "\n", "Iran says it will return U.S. Navy sailors early Wednesday morning Gulf time: U.S. official \n", "\n", "Why do you never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp? She's probably thick and tired of it\n", "\n", "Britain's EU deal - hollow or substantial? \n", "\n", "Is it better to have loved a midget, than never to have loved a tall?\n", "\n", "Besides Api-Api , another suggested historical name was Deasoka , which roughly means `` below the coconut tree '' in the Bajau language.\n", "\n", "During the early 1940 's Walker moved to Los Angeles , where he recorded many enduring sides for Capitol , Black & White , and Imperial.\n", "\n", "Is there rollover Madness that I can use in April?\n", "\n", "Boniface quickly dismissed the other delegates and asked Dante alone to remain in Rome.\n", "\n", "My doctor told me to drink a glass of wine after a hot bath..but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!\n", "\n", "Afghan troops pull out of strategic Helmand district \n", "\n", "Just had an idea for a cool new comic book\n", "\n", "U.S., allies conduct 17 strikes against Islamic State: U.S. military \n", "\n", "Scarred by election flop, British pollsters diverge over Brexit: \n", "\n", "Yeah, Burger King sounds cool and all until you say the words Hotdog Emperor\n", "\n", "To hunt fish , easily their most important live prey , the eagle swoops down over the water and snatches the fish out of the water with its talons.\n", "\n", "Austria's finance minister asks EU to cover costs of additional migrants \n", "\n", "What's pink and slippery? A slipper.\n", "\n", "He Who Says What He Likes, Shall Hear What He Doesn't Like\n", "\n", "there's some drag discourse on the timeline today.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "drag is an important art form and has a very important place in the history of queer liberation! here are ten reasons drag makes me uncomfortable anyway.\n", "\n", "Apparently it's only repartée if it comes from the repartée region of France otherwise it's just sparkling wit.\n", "\n", "What do you call fly with no wings? A walk! Hahaha.. Heh .\n", "\n", "The ceremony at the Kroll Opera House had the effect of reassuring many Germans , especially conservative Germans , that life would be fine under the new regime.\n", "\n", "[Outside the Tastee-Freez] \r", "\r", "\r\n", "John Cougar Mellencamp’s friends: come on dude just eat it normal\n", "\n", "Just designed a website for orphans. There is no Home page.\n", "\n", "U.S. Secretary of State Kerry says if Libyan factions cannot get together, Libya will become a failed state\n", "\n", "I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching....to reverse and leaving the scene.\n", "\n", "Study says Islamic State's English-language reach on Twitter has stalled in recent months\n", "\n", "being a woman is like “yeah i got verbally assaulted today in broad day light on the street but it’s nowhere near as bad as the sexual assault i experienced at the hands of my former boss for 6 years so it’s fine lmao”\n", "\n", "I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end\n", "\n", "What are David Cameron's main battles in Brussels?\n", "\n", "10 things you will never know about me: \r\n", "1-\n", "\n", "There may be two subspecies of the Siamang.\n", "\n", "Obama says will nominate someone 'indisputably' qualified for Supreme Court \n", "\n", "The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.\n", "\n", "France to move cautiously on Calais migrant 'jungle' camp clearance \n", "\n", "Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere!\n", "\n", "friend: can i get a yeet\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: YEET\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "friend: thank you\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: always here for a friend in yeed\n", "\n", "Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive? It had 24 carrots.\n", "\n", "I synced cycles with my washing machine. I only do laundry once a month for 5 straight days. Day 3 is always a super light day, though.\n", "\n", "Why do only 9/10 dentists recommend Crest toothpaste? The last dentist is busy killing a lion.\n", "\n", "In oil crisis, Azerbaijan leader is hostage to father's legacy \n", "\n", "As he leaves this valley the sun rises on a new day.\n", "\n", "(on phone) \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Hey girl, ask how my Magic The Gathering tournament went.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"Did u get enough mana to cast a 'basemento moving outo' spell?\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"GET OFF THE LINE MOM\"\n", "\n", "Founded by Ion RaÅ£iu , it published its first issue on May 10 , 1991.\n", "\n", " Istanbul suicide bomber entered Turkey as a migrant: Turkish PM\n", "\n", "Do you want to hear a joke about sodium? Na...\n", "\n", "Passive Aggression Against the Machine\n", "\n", "My wife is so ugly she spent 5 hours in the beauty salon... Just getting a price.\n", "\n", "A book just fell on my head. I've only got my shelf to blame.\n", "\n", "The Last Olympian was released May 5 , 2009.\n", "\n", "The battle cry of a Twitter narcissist: https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1140481957341495296 …\n", "\n", "My girlfriend and I broke up due to religious differences... She failed to worship me\n", "\n", "If The Blind Lead The Blind, Both Shall Fall Into The Ditch\n", "\n", "Gober served two tours in Vietnam.\n", "\n", "At least one dead after construction crane collapses in lower Manhattan: \n", "\n", "Why do all these people with laser hair want to get it removed?\n", "\n", "[restaurant]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I'll have the blood ocean\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Date: It's called tomato soup\n", "\n", "Is it just me or does anyone else want to be a window cleaner in Amsterdam?\n", "\n", "County play their home games at Meadow Lane in black and white striped shirts.\n", "\n", "Manhunt underway for prisoners who escaped from California jail \n", "\n", "I recently lost my grandfather. That's the last time I take him to Ikea!\n", "\n", "All the Teletubbies say `` Bye-Bye '' three times.\n", "\n", "i’m thinking about how we, as a society, began to collapse the moment we let vajazzling go out of style\n", "\n", "You can also use `` xx '' for a cross , `` xo '' for a black circle on an empty square or `` oo '' for a white one.\n", "\n", "Spain's Socialists near deal with Ciudadanos but still far from majority \n", "\n", "What building isn't trustworthy? The lie-brary.\n", "\n", "My doctor diagnosed me with cancer and Alzheimer's. At least it isn't cancer.\n", "\n", "Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes \"whoa\".\n", "\n", "Hague prosecutors seek trial of Lord's Resistance Army ex-commander \n", "\n", "I hung a foot with bullet shells on the extremities on my doorway. I called it \"missile-toe\"\n", "\n", "The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid's 45-minute recap.\n", "\n", "'I' before 'e' except after 'c' has been disproved by science.\n", "\n", "Asia shares try to stabilize, China edges higher \n", "\n", "It was released on January 21 , 2003 and garnered DVDX awards for best animated feature , best director , best editing , and best musical score.\n", "\n", "How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to change it and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.\n", "\n", "My girlfriend says I'm too immature...well no more treehouse privileges for her.\n", "\n", "Johnson Controls to merge with Tyco \n", "\n", "Hostage negotiator: as a show of good faith we want you to *covers phone*- you sure? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: go on\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Hostage Negotiator: sacrifice your son\n", "\n", "He is perhaps best known for his creation of many Simpsons characters.\n", "\n", "What are the benefits of moving to Switzerland? Well, the flag's a big plus!\n", "\n", "Bail denied for Michigan Uber driver charged with killing six\n", "\n", "The little town is well known for the Rhine Falls , a tourist attraction and mainland Europe 's largest waterfall.\n", "\n", "Nearby , three other people drowned and five fishers were missing.\n", "\n", "The Twittys and their friends , with two Aruban policemen , went to the Van der Sloot home looking for Holloway.\n", "\n", "What does a Gynecologist and a Pizza Boy have in common? They can smell it but they can't eat it\n" ] }, { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "\n", "car salesman: what do you say. would you like to kick the tires on this thing\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ryu: hell yes\n", "\n", "The journaling in NetApp WAFL file system gives atomicity by never updating the data in place , as does ZFS.\n", "\n", "She was baptised on 14 May 1940.\n", "\n", "[to the tune of the Hot Pockets jingle]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Mark Hoppus\n", "\n", "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing\n", "\n", "The name Heimskringla was first used in the 17th century , derived from the first two words of one of the manuscripts.\n", "\n", "One round down and more to come. So, how does the FIFA election work? Here's a guide: \n", "\n", "It may come from the three Gaelic elements mo , ` my ' , Ernán and the diminutive ag , giving Church of My Little Ernán.\n", "\n", "The structure allows repeating information using parent/child relationships : each parent can have many children but each child only has one parent.\n", "\n", "Rollback must , therefore , always be used with care.\n", "\n", "Why did the pig buy flour and sugar? He felt like bacon.\n", "\n", "little girl: he was a gift\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "horse dentist: then I cannot help you\n", "\n", "What do gay ghosts give each other? The Willies.\n", "\n", "me: hey why-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "librarian: shh\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ʷʰʸ ᶜᵃⁿᵗ ʷᵉ ᵗᵃˡᵏ ᶦⁿ ˡᶦᵇʳᵃʳᶦᵉˢ\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "librarian: they'll hear us\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: who is they\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "the ghost who lives in the shelves: WHO DARES DISTURB-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "librarian: SHH\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "the ghost who lives in the shelves: ᶠᵘᶜᵏ ᵈᵒ ᵘ ᵗʰᶦⁿᵏ ᵗʰᵉʸ ʰᵉᵃʳᵈ ᵐᵉ\n", "\n", "If you smash open a carousel horse like a piñata, it is filled with olives and feta and sun-dried tomatoes.\n", "\n", "Body of country singer Craig Strickland recovered in Oklahoma: \n", "\n", "Whoever decided to call it anal bleaching instead of changing your ringtone really missed out on an opportunity.\n", "\n", "dood | boob\r", "\r", "\r\n", "——————\r", "\r", "\r\n", "qooq | poop\n", "\n", "Today , Curitiba is considered one of the best examples of urban planning worldwide.\n", "\n", "Microwave Mentality:\r\n", "Having the attitude that if something can't be done in 5 minutes or less, it's not worth doing.\n", "\n", "Knock, Knock. Who's there? Chester. Chester who? Chester Drawers.\n", "\n", "German spy agency head says ISIS sending fighters disguised as refugees: \n", "\n", "What do you call a guy who lives in a bush? Russell.\n", "\n", "Because of this low elevation , the islands that make up this nation may be threatened by any future sea level rise.\n", "\n", "My mum says you are what you eat. That's funny, cause I haven't eaten any sexy beasts recently.\n", "\n", "Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.\n", "\n", "Obama to Russia's Putin: cease air campaign on moderate Syrian opposition - White House \n", "\n", "I cannot help being lazy. It walks in the family.\n", "\n", " FTC probes Turing over drug prices, Shkreli's lawyer says: \n", "\n", "Men are supposed to come to the mosque wearing loose and clean clothes that do not reveal the shape of the body.\n", "\n", "What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt Senior have in common? Their last hit was the wall.\n", "\n", "My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said: \"Alright, fatty?\"\n", "\n", "Do you want to know how to make an idiot wait? I will tell you later.\n", "\n", "A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house\n", "\n", "To the person who invented 0: Thanks for nothing.\n", "\n", "Their home stadium is Edgeley Park.\n", "\n", "Pornhub algorithm, you've done it again\n", "\n", "everyone else: rap songs.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "australians: fasty talkies.\n", "\n", "What are PM Cameron's key battles in Brussels? Here's a handy guide\n", "\n", "Penis, penwas, penalways will be\n", "\n", "I bought some 'Jamie Oliver Sausages' yesterday. On the packet it said 'Prick with a fork'I thought, can't argue with that!\n", "\n", "Why China's boldest overseas takeover move is more than just one company buying another: \n", "\n", "Black cabs bring central London to a halt in Uber protest \n", "\n", "Textpectation: Anticipation of receiving a new text.\n", "\n", "White Bird is a city in Idaho County , Idaho , United States.\n", "\n", "I truly believe that we should all just imagine a snake pulling its shed skin up over its tail like a thigh high stocking\n", "\n", "Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he's a fungi! Why didn't he get in? There wasn't mushroom!\n", "\n", "wife: your father and i named you two after our favorite Disney characters\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Elsa: that's so cool\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Little Mermaid Priest With an Erection: are you kidding me\n", "\n", "What does a necrophiliac get at a funeral? Mourning wood\n", "\n", "ME: Zoos can be a bummer, but at least they help stop climate change from wiping out endangered species.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "KEEPER: Yeah so get settled in I’ll be back to feed you at 6.\n", "\n", "The two had one daughter ; Lady Mary Tudor.\n", "\n", "Can anyone remember? What was the name of the big bird in Sesame Street?\n", "\n", "Wall Street resumes 2016 slide as energy stocks tumble: \n", "\n", "What's another word for thesaurus?\n", "\n", "My brother is in prison for something he didn't do--run fast enough.\n", "\n", "Justice Scalia has died at 79: \n", "\n", "Two of his children , Thomas and Catherine , died in 1812.\n", "\n", "India, France haggle over $9-billion warplane deal in run-up to Hollande visit \n", "\n", "first date dos and don’ts:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "don’t:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "go out to eat\r", "\r", "\r\n", "see a movie\r", "\r", "\r\n", "watch netflix\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "do:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "log on to a busy server\r", "\r", "\r\n", "buy a hardhat\r", "\r", "\r\n", "do the jackhammer emote\r", "\r", "\r\n", "try to tip the iceberg\n", "\n", "[annual extroverts conference]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*just a bunch of yelling for 3 days*\n", "\n", "Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe!\n", "\n", "What's the difference between 'light' and 'hard'? You can fall asleep with a light on!\n", "\n", "Australia resumes talks with six countries to resettle asylum seekers: report \n", "\n", "BSELP3EP2 - Endangered Species LP Part Two A. Black Sun Empire - Are You There ?\n", "\n", "The first issue was released on March 14 , 2007 by Dark Horse Comics.\n", "\n", "What Is Done Cannot Be Undone\n", "\n", "Britain and EU strike deal on nations blocking unwanted new laws \n", "\n", "*watching someone make better shark joke than me* this is how salieri felt\n", "\n", "I've just been given a pack of playing cards covered in strawberry jam..I'm finding them very had to deal with.\n", "\n", "A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.\n", "\n", "Tell That To The Marines\n", "\n", "If at any time you meet with a prudent Woman , that Man that offers to meddle with her , without her Consent , shall suffer present Death.\n", "\n", "Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours. So they decided to call it a day.\n", "\n", "Urinals need some anger management, they are always pissed.\n", "\n", "Five Czechs missing in Lebanon since July have been found \n", "\n", "The time server may be a local network time server or an internet time server.\n", "\n", "A Liar Is Not Believed When He Speaks The Truth\n", "\n", "EU leaders to discuss Turkey, 'Plan B' at migration dinner \n", "\n", "Mating begins between May and August , and the eggs are laid in September.\n", "\n", "London-Frankfurt deal seen as Brexit-proof: \n", "\n", "Did you hear Mary had sex with god for cash? She just wanted to make a little prophet.\n", "\n", "Oat bread was first manufactured in England , where the first oat bread factory was established in 1899.\n", "\n", "why are women’s bodies more controlled than guns? which ones are the actual threat to life?\n", "\n", "A guy called me old fashioned, to which I replied “you sir are a blunderbuss chatterbox; a chicken hearted, mop stick. A duke of limbs. A foppish fussbudgety gadabout. A ginger-snap grumbletonian. A nincompoopy scallywag stingbum.” And he will have to live with that abashment.\n", "\n", "In 2008 , end of season renovation , coupled with an early start to the football season , meant the pitch was not ready in time for the first home fixture.\n", "\n", " United Airlines will refund travelers with tickets to Zika-affected areas\n", "\n", "My mate went to a charity night for women born without legs, he said the place was crawling with fanny!\n", "\n", "In 1863 , the New York Stock & Exchange Board changed to its current name , the New York Stock Exchange.\n", "\n", "Dog Eats Dog\n", "\n", "The organogenesis of cephalopod eyes differs fundamentally from that of vertebrates like humans.\n", "\n", "Batman: alfred, why is a honda civic parked out front?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Alfred: that's the batmobile, sir\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Batman: alfred\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Alfred: yes, sir\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Batman: did you fill the car with bats?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Alfred: i'm afraid so, sir\n", "\n", "Mega Man X7 is the seventh main game in the Mega Man X series and the first to have 3D gameplay.\n", "\n", "Admitting their guilt for all the war crimes would be one thing.\n", "\n", "The only way to respond to these\n", "\n", "As well as Catholic there are also small Old Catholic and Anglican Franciscan communities.\n", "\n", "By the time of the Ming Dynasty , the name was again changed to Xi'an , meaning `` Western Peace '' , which has remained its name to the present day.\n", "\n", "interviewer: if a coworker says \"don't speak to me until I've had my coffee\" what do you do?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: firstly, I'll know they are probably a huge stand up comedian waiting for their big break\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "interviewer: good. and then?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: I'll invite them to my improv\n", "\n", "Public support for Hungarian PM's party drops in February: poll \n", "\n", "Trump pulls out of Republican debate in Iowa: \n", "\n", "Amazon renews credit card deal with JPMorgan \n", "\n", "Rescued Swedish girl tells what life was like under Islamic State: \n", "\n", "What's positive about Africa? H.I.V.\n", "\n", "This one may be useful in articles with many diagrams.\n", "\n", "U.S. targets Islamic State with 21 strikes in Iraq, Syria: statement \n", "\n", "This means that while it costs money to send children there , towns will make a contract with a school to take children from a town or MSAD at a slightly reduced rate.\n", "\n", "Irish PM calls election, kicking off tight contest dominated by the economy: \n", "\n", "I was once cast as Oliver in a silent interpretation of Oliver Twist, It was brilliant. I couldn't ask for more!\n", "\n", "Traders count cost of Indian caste riots; 19 dead \n", "\n", "I wanted to have sex with my girlfriend, but she was on her period. So I had to pull some strings.\n", "\n", "You can tell a lot by the way a woman walks. Like if she walks away, she's probably not into you.\n", "\n", "Great Neck South is one of three high schools in the Great Neck School District , which includes Great Neck North High School and Village School.\n", "\n", "To everyone who says real estate’s easy\n", "\n", "American al Qaeda suspect pleads not guilty as U.S. mulls new charges \n", "\n", "ADHD exists alone in only about 1/3 of the children diagnosed with it.\n", "\n", "Senegal interrogates 900 people in counter-terrorism operation \n", "\n", "Netherlands to form 300-strong border guard for international missions \n", "\n", "Bosnia files for European Union membership - EU's Mogherini \n", "\n", "My ex wife was deaf, she left me for a deaf friend. I should have seen the signs.\n", "\n", "How do Malaysian airlines serve all their drinks? On the rocks\n", "\n", "It is regarded as one of the supreme masterpieces of the Early Renaissance.\n", "\n", "However , today the last week of Oktoberfest is still in October.\n", "\n", "The Dannebrog was better liked than any.\n", "\n", "Tile thing,\r", "\r", "\r\n", "You make my heart sing,\r", "\r", "\r\n", "You make everything…\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Groovy.\n", "\n", "Look people I don't like exercise so I'm not going to walk a mile in your shoes. I'll judge you standing right here.\n", "\n", "The official fan club of Mr. Children is called Father & Mother , the title being derived from their name.\n", "\n", "UK's Cameron vows to pressure Maldives over jailed former president \n", "\n", "MEPIS 's first official release was on May 10 , 2003.\n", "\n", "The Hunchaks feared that this disregard would only escalate as time past.\n", "\n", "U.S. top court agrees to review Obama immigration action: \n", "\n", "I used to live in a normal house.. but then steps were taken to make it into a bungalow.\n", "\n", "I thought opening the door for a lady was the polite thing to do..but she just screamed and flew out of the plane..\n", "\n", "all dinosaurs were women\n", "\n", "Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?\n", "\n", "COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: no thanks i'm on a diet\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CW: are you sur-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "M: OK BUT I'LL JUST HAVE THREE\n", "\n", "Putin says he wants global cooperation against terrorism: Bild \n", "\n", "Other vehicles spent time in London and the last vehicles could be found there in the early 1990s.\n", "\n", "There are no cis-women cereal mascot characters. I’m outraged!!!Join me in protest this afternoon as I empty thousands of boxes of misogynist LIES into the Hudson.\n", "\n", "Today, I decided to see the good in everyone I meet. And to make sure I could do it, I didn't leave the house.\n", "\n", "I play triangle for a reggae band. It's pretty casual. I just stand at the back and ting.\n", "\n", "Time Is Money\n", "\n", "My fingernails have two lengths:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- too short to open a soda can\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- too long to open a soda can\n", "\n", "ME: \"Uncle Mark\" is too formal. Call me \"the fun uncle\" ha ha\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "NEPHEW: I'll call you Uncle Shirt because you leave your shirt on in the pool\n", "\n", "I remember the days when 'Blue Ray' was an elderly gentleman who drowned in our local swimming pool.\n", "\n", "Empty Vessels Make The Greatest (The Most) Sound\n", "\n", "The name of the village is a local curiosity , as its pronunciation differs to how one may try to pronounce it.\n", "\n", "Life bans recommended for former Chile, Colombia football bosses\n", "\n", "Most children throw the 1 kg discus.\n", "\n", "The nearby area houses many bungalows , traditionally expensive in land-scarce Singapore , as well as high rise condominiums.\n", "\n", "China says told North Korea does not want to see tensions rise \n", "\n", "Reward quadrupled for capture of three California jail escapees \n", "\n", "Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the casino? Because he was on a roll.\n", "\n", "hot paramedic: you've been in an accident, we're going to have to cut your clothes off\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *remembers i'm wearing Thundercats underwear* WAIT don't damage my Thundercats underwear\n", "\n", "This is how it starts, I whisper to myself as I sneak vodka in my Starbucks very berry refresher.\n", "\n", "A Wise Man Changes His Mind, A Fool Never Will\n", "\n", "Whenever a friend asks why I use Lyft over Uber, I show them pictures from when my Uber driver was 30 minutes late, responded only with “Cars 2” when questioned, then canceled our ride\n", "\n", "I love that part of Twitter today is “kid uses n-word willfully and egregiously and records himself doing so but since he can’t go to Harvard now we should feel bad for him.” Lemme just say on behalf of my entire black American lineage...LOL. Suck a dick.\n", "\n", " Flash tweet call \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Im nearly at 6K followers, a huge thank you and much love to my followers and twitter fam \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "send me your favourite non dialogue tweet from you or a friend ,2 hours to submit \n", "\n", "They chose seventeen young men.\n", "\n", "Cardi: we’re breaking up\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Offset: breakin’\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Cardi: gonna need a divorce \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Offset: need it need it\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "#1 on Billboard Hot 100 for the next 3 decades\n", "\n", "After Dinner Sit (Sleep) A While, After Supper Walk A Mile\n", "\n", "The left lane is for passing only. Unless you’re in Florida, then you can do whatever you want in there. Send a text. Take a nap. Do your taxes. Start a family. Nobody cares!\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the Muslim Party? It was a blast.\n", "\n", "Knock, knock. Who's there? Woo. Woo who? Don't get so excited, it's just a joke.\n", "\n", "Some Australian asylum seekers to be deported have cancer, terminal illnesses \n", "\n", "We paid hundreds of dollars for my kid’s sports team to play in a tournament so we could pay a gate fee to watch them.\n", "\n", "If you would like to experiment again , please use the sandbox.\n", "\n", "Ok but did the cops catch him?\n", "\n", "Israel says Syrian government used chemical weapons during truce \n", "\n", "Asked Siri. \"Surely it's not going to rain today?\" She said, \"it is, and dont call me Shirley\". Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.\n", "\n", "I'd rather have a mustache than a baby.\n", "\n", "North Korea says South's propaganda broadcasts push situation to 'brink of war' \n", "\n", "to catch a cab, you must think like a cab\n", "\n", "This is a set of lists of books by the first year of publication.\n", "\n", "him: what is it?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: it's a time loop\r", "\r", "\r\n", "him: what is it?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: it's a time loop\r", "\r", "\r\n", "him: what is it?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: I see\n", "\n", "U.N. fears for hundreds of thousands if Syria troops encircle Aleppo \n", "\n", "Fool's Haste Is No Speed\n", "\n", "He is best known for his photograph capturing the celebration of V-J Day.\n", "\n", "My kid’s sporting event has been delayed 3 hours because of rain and now I know what it’s like to be a hostage.\n", "\n", "Show her you care by secretly transferring a multivitamin into her mouth during French kissing.\n", "\n", "See talk page for examples and standards.\n", "\n", "U.S. has 'significantly' upped strikes on Islamic State in Afghanistan: general \n", "\n", "Excellent\n", "\n", "Gutted the wife has left me! She's took the Sky Box and all my Bob Marley records too. No woman no Sky\n", "\n", "Him: do you swallow \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: [assuming he means swords] of course\n", "\n", "Outside the tavern two men are killed and Hercules goes to investigate , only to be found by the villagers.\n", "\n", "How does a dog catcher get paid? By the pound.\n", "\n", "Just spent the last hour tightening every bottle top and jar in my house. That will teach my wife for saying she doesn't need me anymore.\n", "\n", "Did you blow bubbles as a kid? Well, he's back in town and wants his money back.\n", "\n", "Hmmm. I’d say my life goal is for lots of strangers 2 like me online and my personality is abs. A few years ago I would’ve said kale was my personality but now it’s definitely abs.\n", "\n", "I just found out that 'Aarrgghh' is not a real word.I can't even tell you how angry I am!\n", "\n", "Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.\n", "\n", "U.S., Chinese officers encouraged by use of rules for ship meetings \n", "\n", "Roommate: someone ate my cookies \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: [drinking milk] oh no\n", "\n", "\"Haunted House\" By Hugo First\n", "\n", "How do you clear out a veterans bingo hall? B 52.\n", "\n", "would you rather fight one whale sized danny devito or 20 danny devito sized whales\n", "\n", "My face pressed against a glass bottom boat as my expression changes from wonderment to panic as I slowly realize I'm on the wrong side\n", "\n", "Well well well. If it isn’t that poor choice I can’t stop repeatedly making.\n", "\n", "Putin says all relevant groups in Syria ready to comply with ceasefire \n", "\n", "In Every Beginning Think Of The End\n", "\n", "It is typically a sweet red wine , often served as a dessert wine , and comes in dry , semi-dry , and white varieties.\n", "\n", "Turkey's Erdogan warns patience will run out on Syria: \n", "\n", "Every artist or band comes up with their own recognizable sound and style.\n", "\n", "48,000 during its initial run.\n", "\n", "cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN\n", "\n", "I deleted my facebook because I don't care that 758 of my friends have colds.\n", "\n", "Samaná has three airports and one harbor.\n", "\n", "In fact the Peshitta Old Testament and New Testament are two completely separate works of translation.\n", "\n", "This gives an axial tilt of 95.\n", "\n", "Willy This website\r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " Free\n", "\n", "I freed him from the machine\n", "\n", "For instance , an LC may flow like a liquid , but its molecules may be oriented in a crystal-like way.\n", "\n", "D'Artagnan is not one of the musketeers of the title ; those are his friends Athos , Porthos , and Aramis ; inseparable friends who live by the motto `` all for one , one for all ''.\n", "\n", "A man hands you a box. Telling you it is full of your worst fears. The reality is the box is empty but oh how you fill it still.\n", "\n", "Police say Jakarta attack mastermind wanted to be Southeast Asia \"leader\" of Islamic State: \n", "\n", "Germany, France press for peace plan action ahead of Ukraine visit \n", "\n", "ME: is it possible to be simultaneously smol AND thicc? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "PILSBURY DOUGH BOY: you bet your biscuits it is\n", "\n", "What's a vampires favourite fruit? A nectarine.\n", "\n", "Let me save you some time. The answer to every Buzzfeed quiz is \"You're lonely.\"\n", "\n", "North Korea's latest rocket launch may spur buildup of U.S. missile defense systems in Asia: \n", "\n", "Nearly a quarter of Niger voters barred from Feb polls \n", "\n", "I don't skinny dip, I phanny float!\n", "\n", "My new girlfriend lets me lick anything off her! Butter, jam, cheese, you name it she lets me lick it off her. She's a cracker.\n", "\n", "- What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Oriental? A car thief who can't drive\n", "\n", "Key was born in Auckland , New Zealand , to George Key and Ruth Key.\n", "\n", "I think my brother is heading for another breakdown. He's an AA man.\n", "\n", "The various types of debt can generally be categorized into : 1 secured and unsecured debt , 2 private and public debt , 3 syndicated and bilateral debt , and 4 other types of debt that display one or more of the characteristics noted above.\n", "\n", "Among the translations was another children 's book , Bambi 's Children by Felix Salten.\n", "\n", "What do you call a man with no shins or feet? Neil\n", "\n", "Russia voices anger at U.S. treatment of honorary consuls \n", "\n", "Mexico aims to fulfill U.S. extradition request for 'Chapo' Guzman: sources \n", "\n", " Freed Washington Post journalist Jason Rezaian makes his first media appearance. \n", "\n", "One day, the religious leaders who spoke about Holocaust analogies but were quiet about the suffering of living migrants will have to face a God that is more than their petty, tribal concerns.\n", "\n", "Wife: I’m leaving you \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?\n", "\n", "During World War II , many white émigrés took part in the Russian Liberation Movement.\n", "\n", "[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious\n", "\n", "How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.\n", "\n", "Indian students protest in thousands as government cracks down on dissent \n", "\n", "The age of cellular pathology was born.\n", "\n", "Somali pirates gave me toothpaste & soap.\n", "\n", "An Unfortunate Man Would Be Drowned In A Teacup\n", "\n", "Learn To Say Before You Sing\n", "\n", "Changes at the Platt Lane end took place in 1935 , extending the terracing and providing a roof for the full stand.\n", "\n", "I took a urine test at the hospital today. My kleptomania is really getting out of control.\n", "\n", "Libya's presidential council announces revised unity government \n", "\n", "China busts $8 billion online Ponzi scheme - but why is it so vulnerable to fraud? \n", "\n", "FTSE bruised by BP after the oil major reported its biggest ever annual loss: \n", "\n", "Therapist: What's wrong?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: If I do the Borat voice once more, I'll be getting a divorce\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Therapist: And who told you that?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *tearfully clears throat*\n", "\n", " Families affected by Zika Virus in Brazil. \n", "\n", "The two Chinese characters in the name `` Xi'an '' literally mean Western Peace.\n", "\n", "Vietnam party retains key policymakers, cabinet posts not guaranteed: \n", "\n", "Children can feed and pet the animals.\n", "\n", "FIFA fires Secretary General Valcke: \n", "\n", "Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.\n", "\n", "Building on @MattBruenig's breathtaking chart of wealth since 1989, here's who captured all the new wealth over the last 30 years.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "The top 10% got 3/4 of all new wealth (with over 1/3 going only to the top 1%).\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "The next 40% got the remaining 1/4. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Nothing to the bottom half.\n", "\n", "Want to watch the #Cubs from these seats? RT for a chance to win. http://atmlb.com/2VjbEuB \n", "\n", "North Korea says U.S. student confessed to stealing item with propaganda slogan: \n", "\n", "A mural by British graffiti artist Banksy appears near the French embassy in London: \n", "\n", "me: omg i have a really bad pain in my chest am i having a heart attack\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "murderer: *pulling the knife out* omg omg call 911\n", "\n", "If Things Were To Be Done Twice All Would Be Wise\n", "\n", "How does Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker has got for Christmas? He felt his presents.\n", "\n", "Only red abalone may be taken ; black , white , pink , and flat abalone are protected by law.\n", "\n", "Two monkeys are getting into a bath. One goes: \"ooh ohh ah ah ah ah\" The other says: \"We'll put some cold in then\".\n", "\n", "Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon\n", "\n", "UPDATE: Indonesia National Meterological agency - issues early tsunami warning in West Sumatra, North Sumatra, Aceh \n", "\n", "Many posters , particularly early posters , were used for advertising products.\n", "\n", "Churches offer sanctuary as U.N. criticizes Australian asylum policy \n", "\n", "[first time babysitting] hey little dude\r", "\r", "\r\n", "5 year old: muffins and cupcakes are cousins\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: what the fuck\n", "\n", "Planck graduated early , at age 17.\n", "\n", "Understanding the ZikaVirus: \r\n", "\n", "\n", "Me: [getting eaten by a shark] this is statistically unlikely\n", "\n", "Russia, U.S. military to meet on Syria ceasefire this week: Interfax \n", "\n", "❒Taken ❒Single ✔Addicted to Twitter\n", "\n", "Your perfect romantic match will be chosen by 'it that watches', an omnigendered paradoxical entity. Its judgment is final and very painful.\n", "\n", "His best known work was the opera The Immortal Hour.\n", "\n", "My wife dresses to kill! Unfortunately she cooks the same.\n", "\n", "I have a leak in my pipe.. Dam it!\n", "\n", "I just don't.\n", "\n", "Even if there is nothing to laugh about, laugh on credit.\n", "\n", "The main variants named using this convention are : Bird Flu , Human Flu , Swine Flu , Horse Flu and Dog Flu.\n", "\n", "The shortfin mako shark , the fastest shark and one of the fastest fish , can burst up to . The great white shark is also capable of bursts of speed.\n", "\n", "Never Cast Dirt Into That Fountain Of Which You Have Sometime Drunk\n", "\n", "What's large, white and can kill you if it fell out of a tree? A fridge.\n", "\n", "In 1882 , when hydraulic power was a well established technology , a company later named the London Hydraulic Power Company was formed.\n", "\n", "It's As Broad As It's Long\n", "\n", "Have you heard about the new Eddie Stobart film coming out? It looks quite good, i've seen the trailer!\n", "\n", "My recent Google searches: How to detangle my daughter's hair. How to detangle a really, really bad tangle. How to cut out a tangle. Hats.\n", "\n", "However , it did not sell anything : instead , Emily would find lost and broken things and display them in the window of the shop , so their owners could one day come and collect them.\n", "\n", "No easy way out for Deutsche Bank as investors 'lose faith' \n", "\n", "Italians rally for gay civil unions ahead of battle in parliament \n", "\n", "Yo Mama is so fat, I told the bitch to haul ass and it took her two trips.\n", "\n", "Will I have an open casket at my funeral? Remains to be seen.\n", "\n", "His mother was Betsy Plumleigh Teape.\n", "\n", "if the straight pride parade happens, I might actually stand a chance on Xbox Live for a couple of hours\n", "\n", "Seehofer says Germany must control its borders if EU can't \n", "\n", "Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?\n", "\n", "*fwoop*\n", "\n", "[teaching my son to shave]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“The most important thing, son, is not to nick your scrotum.”\n", "\n", "Nxf4 leaves White a pawn ahead.\n", "\n", "[swimming lesson]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "instructor: try doing back stroke\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ekorts\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "instructor: get out\n", "\n", " Iconic images from the Syrian war. \n", "\n", "Two satellites decided to get married. The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!\n", "\n", "In the UK the upper house is appointed by the government as a house of review . One criticism of bicameral systems with two elected chambers is that the upper and lower houses may simply mirror one another.\n", "\n", "Following the footsteps of the suspected ringleader of last November's Paris attacks: \n", "\n", "What's E.T. Short for? He's only got little legs!\n", "\n", "Just found a misspelled word in the dictionary... What do I do?!?!\n", "\n", "In the 70s mothers sometimes had what we called conniption fits. What that was was... well let me demonstrate. I'll need a boxed cake mix, four eggs and a cocker spaniel.\n", "\n", "saying “welcome to work” to my fellow employees throughout the workday\n", "\n", "[first date]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [after 7 minutes of silence] you think my cat is mad at me because I spend all day at work while he’s at home aging unfairly fast?\n", "\n", "I just wrote a really awesome song about a fajita. Well it's more of a wrap really.\n", "\n", "Live performances of `` Fell on Black Days '' can be found on the `` Black Hole Sun '' and `` Fell on Black Days '' singles.\n", "\n", "Please , see the instructions there.\n", "\n", "Seventeen species of sea snake live on the Great Barrier Reef.\n", "\n", "Man who invented anagrams has died. May he Erect a penis.\n", "\n", "having all my ribs removed so my ex doesn’t get them in the divorce\n", "\n", "Last night I got my laxatives mixed up with my viagra tablets. I didn't know whether I was coming or going.\n", "\n", "two bros walking together, both trying to be the one in the middle\n", "\n", "Given the rest of these selected verses `` And the lord provided a great fish for Jonah , and it swallowed him , and Jonah sat in the belly of the fish for three days and nights.\n", "\n", "crowd goes silent, the jumbotron zooms in on me making two hot dogs kiss, a text buzzes through my phone “we talked about this” my wife writes in all caps\n", "\n", "Trump says pope will wish and pray he was president if Vatican is attacked by Islamic State. \n", "\n", "A Penny Soul Never Came To Twopence\n", "\n", "Where do fish keep their money? In a riverbank.\n", "\n", "I think my friend was built backwards. His nose runs and his feet smell.\n", "\n", "The event continued to promote under The Great American Bash name before changing to The Bash in 2009 . The event chronology of The Great American Bash continues to run under The Bash name.\n", "\n", "I like my women like I like my coffee: all over my lap when I’m trying to get to work\n", "\n", "A broken clock is right twice a day\n", "\n", "Egypt's Sisi under attack on social media after television speech \n", "\n", "Geneva observes Jeûne genevois on the first Thursday following the first Sunday in September.\n", "\n", "I want to kill the hottest person alive, but suicide is a crime.\n", "\n", "Moore and Mosconi would battle it out many times in unsanctioned but publicized play.\n", "\n", "I just saw on the news 'Missing girl found safe' What I wanna know is. Could she crack it?\n", "\n", "Had sex with a transvestite the other day. She took it like a man.\n", "\n", "The statement below is true. The statement above is false.\n", "\n", "Date: What do you do?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food\n", "\n", "Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess says: \"Sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion per passenger.\"\n", "\n", "U.S., allies target Islamic State with 21 strikes: U.S. military \n", "\n", "L.A. County prosecutor declines to file criminal charges against Bill Cosby stemming from two allegations of sexual misconduct.\n", "\n", "Funny Laws-Alaska: it is considered an offense to push a moose out of an airplane.\n", "\n", "The first recorded use of mallow as a color name in English was in 1611.\n", "\n", "Russia says 40 agreements signed on ceasefire in Syria: agencies \n", "\n", "[sounds of vibrator in the background]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: honey? Linda... you still scrapbooking ?\n", "\n", "There Is No Rose Without A Thorn\n", "\n", "The template has only one parameter : a real number without thousand separators.\n", "\n", "Who's in charge of the hankies? The handkerchief..\n", "\n", "Over the next few weeks , all three men faced each other in Handicap matches , which all three men won over the three week period by pinning and making each other submit , respectively.\n", "\n", "Why do women live longer, peaceful lives? Because they don't have a wife!\n", "\n", "I can easily find trouble. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "It's on the shelf in the basement next to Pictionary and Scrabble.\n", "\n", "Happy Birthday, Brexit!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "3 Today! \n", "\n", "It was the first release to include the new Fedora Extras repository.\n", "\n", "If you would like a free and ongoing evaluation of your driving techniques, enroll your teen in driver’s ed.\n", "\n", " New U.S. bill being drafted to reform human trafficking rankings \n", "\n", "I knew you were edgy when I saw you didn’t have a pinned tweet\n", "\n", "Taliban factions divided on taking part in peace process: \n", "\n", "What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does.\n", "\n", "A Pessimist is just an Optimist with previous experience.\n", "\n", "He should turn on the air conditioner and put his shirt back on then.\n", "\n", "The next day , Katie and Tom ceremoniously burned their shelter and everything that helped them survive the past 39 days.\n", "\n", "Rightist Le Maire joins crowded French presidential primary race \n", "\n", "This subtemplate is empty.\n", "\n", "If you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well..There's the door.\n", "\n", "Strong 7 magnitude quake strikes eastern Russia: USGS \n", "\n", "I once had a dog called Blacksmith. Every time i kicked it, he made a bolt for the door!\n", "\n", "They say nothing rhymes with orange. They're wrong. Nothing doesn't rhyme with orange.\n", "\n", "i hope you catch a break today\n", "\n", "typing an entire rant and deciding not to press tweet\n", "\n", "Banadian goose\n", "\n", "Bridget Jane Fonda is a US actress.\n", "\n", "Astronomical work also required fine computations , and in 19th century Germany a steel slide rule about 2 meters long was used at one observatory.\n", "\n", "[at dinner]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Her: how bout we take this back to my place\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: you mean like you want a to go box\n", "\n", "21 year old me: i'll have my shit together when im 31\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "31 year old me: lmao nope\n", "\n", "I just got a new ringtone. This anal bleaching really is good!\n", "\n", "Many Words Will Not Fill A Bushel\n", "\n", "Timmy goes back to save Martin.\n", "\n", "I lost my numbered ticket in this waiting room and the receptionist just tore me a new one\n", "\n", "Snow blows. That's why they invented something to literalize that.\n", "\n", "This would provide enough power for 1.5 million average homes.\n", "\n", "Uber driver suspected of fatally shooting six to be arraigned in Michigan \n", "\n", "T-Rex astrophysicist: it's what we call a global killer\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Other dino scientists: how big exactly? Like...this big?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "T-Rex: man fuck u guys\n", "\n", "The winner would decide who gets what with their loved one.\n", "\n", "Growing scale of Cologne attacks stokes German debate on migrants \n", "\n", "Telescope used on Armstrong's moon landing finds new galaxies \n", "\n", "I don't use toilet paper. I use hindkerchifs.\n", "\n", "My wife is temperamental. 50% temper, 50% mental.\n", "\n", "Starches are insoluble in water.\n", "\n", "The ship sank, killing 200 souls.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " ~ Grim Ferry Tale\n", "\n", "Westerners may face significant obstacles in obtaining saffron from India.\n", "\n", "[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "subway employee: I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to do that\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: oh i don't work here\n", "\n", "Music Hack: if you play black betty backwards it’s la bamba\n", "\n", "Traders count cost of Jat reservation riots; 19 dead \n", "\n", "Greenwich Mean Time was at one time based on the time observations made at the Royal Greenwich Observatory , before being superseded by Coordinated Universal Time.\n", "\n", "Hieronymus Bosch was an Early Netherlandish painter.\n", "\n", "[April 18, 1775]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "PAUL REVERE: *riding through the streets* the British are coming!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "PAUL REVERE’S EX WIFE: *yelling back* They’re probably faking it!\n", "\n", "A friend or relative may have assaulted the victim in her sleep.\n", "\n", "[jerking off a baguette]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "i'm gonna crumb\n", "\n", "The name Contiki comes from Thor Heyerdahl 's famous Kon-Tiki raft.\n", "\n", "Don't call people 'illegals'. There are more important things than laws you know. Like human beings.\n", "\n", "A Buddhist goes up to a hotdog stand and says, \"Make me one with everything.\"\n", "\n", "Why are there no Irish lawyers? They can't pass the bar.\n", "\n", "French left-winger to run for presidency in setback for Hollande: \n", "\n", "Joseph Chamberlain had had another son , Austen Chamberlain by his first marriage.\n", "\n", "Many of the earliest Syrian Americans settled in New York , Boston , and Detroit.\n", "\n", "Europe on cusp of self-induced humanitarian crisis: UNHCR \n", "\n", "I told my wife I wanted breakfast in bed. She said go sleep in the kitchen.\n", "\n", "Freed Washington Post journalist Rezaian headed to U.S.: statement \n", "\n", "Why'd the idiots at Microsoft buy Skype for over $10 million dollars when they can download it for free?\n", "\n", "Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition? Because it was cultured.\n", "\n", "India's Tata Motors is to rename its soon-to-be-launched 'Zica' car amid global virus fears: \n", "\n", "BBC Director General Tony Hall responds to the Savile report - \n", "\n", "Yo, I keep getting older but not wiser... what the hell?\n", "\n", "Moderates could gain influence over choice of next leader in Iran vote \n", "\n", "Why can't you borrow money from a midget? Because they're always a little short!\n", "\n", "Justice Department considers legal changes to combat domestic anti-government extremists: \n", "\n", "me: hey I get so weird in exit seats can we swap places \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "executioner: *flips switch* no\n", "\n", "Magicians make people disappear all the time! But as soon as I take and hide a regular person everyone freaks out!\n", "\n", "The technology of this weed-whacker is cutting hedge!\n", "\n", "He also said that it was `` not correct to say that a soldier can not live without smoking . ''\n", "\n", "I was going to nail a shelf to my wall, but then I thought..Screw it!\n", "\n", "I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true. ----Katherine Hepburn\n", "\n", " There are another 34 detainees at Guantanamo Bay approved for transfer, need 'right place, right conditions': White House\n", "\n", "A Word Is Enough To The Wise\n", "\n", "An Oak Is Not Felled At One Stroke\n", "\n", "The full name thus became ` Kongl.\n", "\n", "Yeah, Burger King sounds cool and all until you say the words Hotdog Emperor\n", "\n", "me, not a dad: i’m gonna have a dedicated game room with a big screen, bar, and pool table\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me, now a dad: if i’m lucky i can sneak my ipad into the guest bathroom\n", "\n", "Season five follows two time lines.\n", "\n", "Travel tip: don't pack for the weather you want.\n", "\n", "What are the Powerball odds? A $2 ticket has a one in 292.2 million chance of winning: \n", "\n", "Two such cases exposed Acorah.\n", "\n", "Polls were even put up on WWF.com and WCW.com to decide the name of the new show.\n", "\n", "Offensive against Islamic State in Mosul unlikely in 2016: Iraqi Kurdish deputy PM \n", "\n", "If you're having a bad day, just remember that someone has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.\n", "\n", "Why are there more Democrats than Republicans? Who wants a piece of elephant!\n", "\n", "She performed three of the concerts and canceled the last.\n", "\n", "grandpa always said,\"Don't watch money; watch your health. So one day when I was watching my health, someone took my money.It was my grandpa\n", "\n", "This figure gives name to the hill , the range and the vale.\n", "\n", "Stranded migrants block main Greece-Macedonia artery demanding passage \n", "\n", "CAMEL 1: hey can u hold this for me?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CAMEL 2: uh i kinda have my hands full\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CAMEL 1: don’t be like that it’s one straw\n", "\n", "How Egypt's changing culture led one emigre to Trump \n", "\n", "This page must work within the context of , but hopefully will also see wider use elsewhere.\n", "\n", "Top tech official at hacked U.S. personnel agency retires under pressure \n", "\n", "Thousands of refugees may enter Britain if it leaves EU: Cameron \n", "\n", "Before New Hampshire primary, Trump campaign shows mellower side \n", "\n", "Death toll reaches four in Russia mine accident, 26 still missing: agency \n", "\n", "Insults are flying as political name-calling gets ugly. Watch for more\n", "\n", "Ever since I started trying to relive my youth at childrens playgrounds..My social life has been on the slide.\n", "\n", "It is supported on many hardware platforms.\n", "\n", "Don't lie to me! That's what the government does!\n", "\n", "She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "He (sigh): Ok It's...your \"signature sex move\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "She: Judgmental Corpse?\n", "\n", "Two is a primorial , as well as its own factorial.\n", "\n", "Oil extends rally on prospects OPEC could act to counter low prices: \n", "\n", "See List of operettas by Offenbach.\n", "\n", "This quantitative measure indicates how much of a particular drug or other substance is needed to inhibit a given biological process by half.\n", "\n", "Italy's tax police believe Google evaded 227 mln euros in taxes - sources: \n", "\n", "After reading this you will notice that the the brain doesn't notice the second \"the\".\n", "\n", "Sometimes I put my head between my legs and lean forward. That's just how I roll.\n", "\n", "Iran stops doing business with Saudi Arabia as Nimr execution rankles \n", "\n", "The town is probably best known as the home of the Farnborough Airshow.\n", "\n", "Syrian army source says Aleppo will soon be encircled by government forces: \n", "\n", "The second rebuilding took a long time.\n", "\n", "A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it platoonic.\n", "\n", "my father-in-law just yelled \"I don't care who shot ziggy and two packs\"\n", "\n", "U.S. and EU warn China on need to respect South China Sea ruling \n", "\n", "I used to hate math, but now I realised decimals have a point.\n", "\n", "Trump overshadows Republican debate even as he sits it out: \n", "\n", "A syncarpous gynoecium can sometimes appear very much like a monocarpous gynoecium.\n", "\n", "Swedish artist Oscar Reutersvärd was the first to deliberately design many impossible objects.\n", "\n", "genie: i will grant you any wish\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i wish soup was spelled like soop \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "genie: [frowning] no\n", "\n", "Why don't blind people like to sky dive? Because it scares the dog.\n", "\n", "Hungarian PM vows to resist EU's 'misguided' migrant policy \n", "\n", "It was the first time a pope paid a visit to a mosque.\n", "\n", "Dyslexic rules KO\n", "\n", "September begins on the same day of the week as December every year , because there are 91 days separating September and December , which is a multiple of seven.\n", "\n", "Digambara is one of the two main sects of Jainism , the other being Svetambar.\n", "\n", "A dog sled is a sled pulled by one or more sled dogs used to travel over ice and through snow.\n", "\n", "[Banging on front door]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"POLICE, OPEN UP!\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*opens the door*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*gets on the floor*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*everybody walks the dinosaur*\n", "\n", "How to make Easter easier - replace the t with an i.\n", "\n", "White House seeking the return of Navy personnel in Iranian custody: \n", "\n", "I was wondering why a frisbee looked bigger as it came closer, then it hit me.\n", "\n", "[coming home from the hospital after getting hit by a car] \r", "\r", "\r\n", "dad: what kinda gas mileage that thing get\n", "\n", "Six Congolese activists sentenced to prison after general strike \n", "\n", "My wife's a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the Aggie car pool? They all meet at work.\n", "\n", "Why aren't Mexicans ever indecisive? Because if they're on the fence too long they get caught.\n", "\n", "Ann rolls a 1 , and must end her turn without scoring.\n", "\n", "Sterling hit by 'Brexit' worries, others major currencies calm \n", "\n", "This is what every video on Cameo is like (by me and @bradfordevans)\n", "\n", "To Cast Pearls Before Swine\n", "\n", "China busts child trafficking ring, recovers 15 infants: Xinhua \n", "\n", "One of my friends is a really hardcore raver. She keeps trying to make me rave with her, and she won't techno for an answer.\n", "\n", "Wood tar is microbicidal and has a pleasant odor - a sweet musky scent much like that of barbecue.\n", "\n", "You've been hit by\r", "\r", "\r\n", "You've been struck by\r", "\r", "\r\n", "A large vehicle\n", "\n", "What do you say if you're talking to God... and he sneezes?\n", "\n", "I tried uploading my sex tape to PornHub. They told me to try Vine.\n", "\n", "[clickbait quiz]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"which bush brother are you?\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me, fully aware that i'm jeb: i hope i'm not jeb\n", "\n", "“Weird kink” is redundant emily but okay\n", "\n", "British Airways to begin flying to Iran from July 14 \n", "\n", "Americans who disappeared in Baghdad were kidnapped by Iran-backed militia: sources. \n", "\n", "What's round and bad-tempered? A vicious circle.\n", "\n", "What happened to the fundamentals?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "-Dads watching basketball\n", "\n", "Syrian opposition agrees to two-three week truce if Russia stops air strikes: source \n", "\n", "If you're not patient, you'll become one.\n", "\n", "The fore wing is white with a variable amount of black spots.\n", "\n", "The Tezcatlipoca figure goes back to earlier Mesoamerican deities worshipped by the Olmec and Maya.\n", "\n", "How do we know the toothbrush was invented in Alabama? If it had been invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush. \n", "\n", "North Korea rocket launch may spur U.S. missile defense buildup in Asia \n", "\n", "I'm so poor that I've been forced to eat my mates herb garden. I'm living on borrowed thyme!\n", "\n", "I just got off the phone with my mother. She called 12 years ago.\n", "\n", "A twin is generally defined as one of two offspring produced in the same pregnancy and/or born at the same birth process , although people with unusually high genetical similarity also may be called twins although they may not be born at the same time , such as with monozygotic twins . Offspring that are not genetically identical but are born at the same time are called dizygotic twins.\n", "\n", "[first time betting in Vegas]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Sportsbook Attendant: so thats 10 Grand on the Dolphins at home over the Lions?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: [visibly excited] lions can’t swim in the ocean\n", "\n", "Brazil police targets Rousseff campaigner in raids, TV Globo says \n", "\n", "Chongqing blazes economic trail as Bo scandal recedes \n", "\n", "If all else fails, lower your standards.\n", "\n", "Malta , Panama , and Rhodesia competed at the Olympic Games for the first time.\n", "\n", "The symbol in which everyone thinks is a heart is not actually derived from an actual heart? But a rear view of a girl bending over.\n", "\n", "Asia stocks wary as China concerns remain, oil drops \n", "\n", "I downloaded a carbon dating app and was disappointed to learn that the guy I’ve been talking to online is actually a 12,000-year old Natufian hunter-gatherer who doesn’t shower\n", "\n", "Pakistan not to blame for Afghan troubles, official says on U.S. visit \n", "\n", "Saudi-led coalition says does not target Yemeni civilians, will work to reduce deaths \n", "\n", "“You may be wondering why I asked you all here today”\n", "\n", "The first two seasons appeared first in syndication ; seasons 3 and 4 appeared on the PAX network.\n", "\n", "Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness\n", "\n", "Gauri has two children , Aryan and Suhana.\n", "\n", "Did you know 80% of Chinese have cataracts? The other 20% drive Rincolns.\n", "\n", "What's a pirate's favorite thing to read?\r\n", "Nothing, he can't.\n", "\n", " In boost to self-driving cars, U.S. tells Google computers can qualify as drivers \n", "\n", "U.S. wants U.N. to raise refugee aid by a third to $13 billion: \n", "\n", "Many school-aged children can learn a second language.\n", "\n", "What happens if you go on a survival course..and you don't pass?\n", "\n", "pls enjoy boomer in a raccoon hat being a raccoon in a raccoon hat\n", "\n", "Elizabeth Warren was doing highly paid legal work while teaching at Ivy League universities. I’ve tried to keep an open mind, but you can’t ignore something like that. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Where do I volunteer?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "#Warren2020 \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "@ewarren \r", "\r", "\r\n", "#DoesntEvenHaveToSolveMyLoveLife\n", "\n", " Iran releases 10 U.S. sailors after holding them overnight. \n", "\n", "Stephenie will have to go back to Ulong camp alone.\n", "\n", "Buying spiders from the pet store costs way more than getting them off the web.\n", "\n", "Merkel says supports some kind of no-fly zone in Syria \n", "\n", "I've made loads of money selling my version of Polo that don't have a hole in the middle.I've made an absolute mint.\n", "\n", "Why does a milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder.\n", "\n", " Images from the scene after a suicide blast kills at least 10 people. \n", "\n", "Then they are rinsed until the water runs through and comes out clear.\n", "\n", "i'm really not that special. i put my condom on one leg at a time, just like you\n", "\n", "God: I need one more rib please\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Adam: No\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: Come on man, I can see the future... this is going to be a problem\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Adam: I said NO\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only\n", "\n", "Lucky Powerball winners are in Tennessee, California and Florida: \n", "\n", "Turkey turns off independent TV channel on 'terrorist' charge \n", "\n", "ME: Will you text me when you get home so I know you're okay\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "UBER DRIVER: No\n", "\n", "Phagocytes occur in many species ; some amoebae behave like macrophage phagocytes , which suggests that phagocytes appeared early in the evolution of life.\n", "\n", "Whats green and smells of pork? Kermits finger.\n", "\n", "EU eyes shifting some development funds towards tackling migration crisis \n", "\n", "ME: Can I buy you a drink?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: I have a boyfriend.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.\n", "\n", "How can a room full of couples be empty? There isn't a single person left. \n", "\n", "Found out recently that my wife had an affair with a midget. I can't believe she would stoop so low.\n", "\n", "This was Twitter's reaction to the Fishball Revolution in Hong Kong: \n", "\n", "Before Tribal Council , Bruce drew the name `` Gitanos '' for their new tribe name , meaning `` Gypsies '' in Spanish.\n", "\n", "Kid: why does Granny always smell like mothballs?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Mom: because she’s old\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Granny (who is secretly having an affair with Jim the Moth Castrater): *mouths THANK YOU*\n", "\n", "Tales of Symphonia 's characteristic genre name is . Tales of Symphonia takes place long before Tales of Phantasia.\n", "\n", "Saudi King Salman to visit Moscow in mid-March: RIA cites Kremlin aide \n", "\n", "All Are Not Friends That Speak Us Fair\n", "\n", "In 1994 the medieval old town was set on the UNESCO world heritage list.\n", "\n", "It consists of three user profiles.\n", "\n", "Every band was doing that thing . ''\n", "\n", "Support for Merkel at four-and-a-half year low, doubts grow over refugee policy \n", "\n", "I'm 100% against animal cruelty. Nothing makes me sadder than when my dog makes fun of me.\n", "\n", "DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: ah the lion, nature’s finest predator\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "LION: wear something tasteful with a hint of mysterious sex appeal; a touch of cologne is ok, but don’t overdo; prepare a couple of colorful anecdotes that reveal the essence of your personality; ask her open-ended questi\n", "\n", "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.\n", "\n", "{animal dies in a movie}\r", "\r", "\r\n", "this is the saddest thing I've ever seen\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "{robot dies in a movie}\r", "\r", "\r\n", "omg it's just a robot why am I crying\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "{human dies in a movie}\r", "\r", "\r\n", "lmao bye bitch\n", "\n", "The two parameters must be used together , with hide specified for every line that is being covered by the first line.\n", "\n", "If you have cold dead hands you better believe I will pry stuff from them because I am The Cold Dead Hands Burglar and there is no quenching my thirst for prying\n", "\n", "British PM Cameron says no second referendum on EU membership \n", "\n", "I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.\n", "\n", "On the one hand , they agreed safety and protection from lawless nobles was in everyone 's best interest.\n", "\n", "What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.\n", "\n", "The doctor who did my circumcision was terrible. He got the sack.\n", "\n", "It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.\n", "\n", "the reward\n", "\n", "The Cobbler Should Stick To His Last\n", "\n", "I just love the F5 key on my keyboard. It's so refreshing.\n", "\n", "After the initial deal , the first of what may be several betting rounds begins.\n", "\n", "True Blue Will Never Stain\n", "\n", "Why did the chicken go to KFC? To see a chicken strip.\n", "\n", "Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction\n", "\n", "Brazil's Rousseff bolstered by allied whip victory in house \n", "\n", "Yahoo announces first round of layoffs as it trims 15 percent of workforce \n", "\n", "[training a new coworker]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "him: why are we going outside\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *lacing up sneakers* We can poop behind the building\n", "\n", "My daughter asked \"Why is the soap in the shower hanging on a rope?\" I replied \"Because it has seen your mother naked.\"\n", "\n", "Fighting for peace is like having sex for virginity.\n", "\n", "Uber driver: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Uber driver:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Uber driver and me at unison: the sun wants to set us on fire and one day the moon isn’t going to protect us\n", "\n", "People killed in Burkina hotel attack: foreign minister \n", "\n", "London mayor says new EU proposals 'not enough' \n", "\n", "Interest in taking photographs soon followed.\n", "\n", "me: I'm going to build a time machine\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.\n", "\n", "A look back at the life and career of legendary rock star David Bowie: \n", "\n", "Head of Syrian opposition team says not optimistic about peace talks \n", "\n", "[desert island]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: look!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: what?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: a boat!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: HEEEEEELP!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *writing* day 287, she's still afraid of boats\n", "\n", "How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her. \n", "\n", "Asian stocks tentative on anxiety over volatile oil \n", "\n", "i liked captain america’s ass before it was cool\n", "\n", "me: the moon controls the tides and the human psyche. wolves know that, that’s why they howl at her. it’s a tribute.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "therapist: let’s talk about your father\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: no\n", "\n", "There's no reason to be tailgating me when I'm doing 50 in a 35...and those flashing lights on your car look stupid.\n", "\n", "`` The real master of Death accepts that he must die , and that there are much worse things in the world of the living ''.\n", "\n", "Any man who tells you he doesn't have a pet name for his penis is a liar and a complete 'SirPointsaLot'\n", "\n", "Newton was the first to apply calculus to general physics and Leibniz developed much of the notation used in calculus today.\n", "\n", "ME: Zoos can be a bummer, but at least they help stop climate change from wiping out endangered species.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "KEEPER: Yeah so get settled in I’ll be back to feed you at 6.\n", "\n", "[ undercover stake out ] \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*\n", "\n", "The next NFL drama: Rams and Chargers negotiate to share L.A. stadium \n", "\n", "Him: I like a girl who's a good host\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *trying to impress him* I've had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS\n", "\n", "My New Year's resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be more consistent.7. Learn to count.\n", "\n", "It may result from mixing of seawater with fresh water , as in estuaries , or it may occur in brackish fossil aquifers.\n", "\n", "Leaves are spirally arranged and may grow 2.7 m long and 60 c wide.\n", "\n", " British Foreign Office: allegation of rape outstanding against Julian Assange, so UK has a legal obligation to extradite him.\n", "\n", "It has a short dark bill , short wings and a long tail.\n", "\n", "[trying to impress date]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: I really want to have children.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [to waiter] Bring us your finest baby.\n", "\n", "I never go to funerals. I'm just not a mourning person.\n", "\n", "Why do Native Americans hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.\n", "\n", "Malaysian anti-graft agency seeks review of PM Najib probe decision \n", "\n", "My mate walked into Carphone Warehouse, held the manager at gunpoint and made her top up his mobile phone for free.Full credit to him!\n", "\n", "As The Tree Falls, So Shall It Lie\n", "\n", "lGet plenty of sleep. Be kind to your mind. You'll miss it when it's gone.\n", "\n", "China releases Swedish NGO worker: Swedish Foreign Ministry \n", "\n", "Man who shot Philadelphia police officer cited Islam as motive: official \n", "\n", "Aggressive Mammoth #GoogleTranslatesMTG\n", "\n", "@doctormoose6 you've left?\n", "\n", "They have three children.\n", "\n", " My wife used to be a regular customer at McDonalds.\r\n", "\r\n", "These days, she's more of a large.\n", "\n", "I know the nation is divided right now but at least we can all agree that the funniest word in the English language is noodle. Without this common understanding, our civilization would collapse. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Noodle.\n", "\n", "In the general case , different execution threads communicate with one another as they work.\n", "\n", "What kind of light must you switch on with your leg? A knee-on.\n", "\n", "This guy just had a go at me for scratching his CD, so I ripped him a new one!\n", "\n", "I always wondered how Bowser could afford so many castles. Then I did some research. You see, he had dozens of shell corporations and\n", "\n", "U.S. Coast Guard hearings to probe El Faro sinking in hurricane: \n", "\n", "That is to say , there is at least one whole day during which the sun does not set , and at least one whole day during which the sun does not rise.\n", "\n", "Why was the pie waiting on the corner? Because it was meat n potato.\n", "\n", "Many more open air sites are known such as that at Hengistbury Head.\n", "\n", "Syrian rebel splits deepen after failed 'merger' with al Qaeda arm \n", "\n", "My girlfriend was telling me that obesity is in her genes. I told her that it wasn't true as she looks like a fat cunt in a skirt as well.\n", "\n", "It is celebrated as New Year 's Day by those still following the Julian calendar.\n", "\n", "me: you’re dumping me?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: you can’t keep my name straight\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " r e\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: but a g r t I love you!\r", "\r", "\r\n", " m a\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: that’s not my name\n", "\n", "I've decided to marry a pencil,I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.\n", "\n", "In many states there are separate divisions for law and equity within one court.\n", "\n", "Schaunard , urged by Colline , quietly departs to give Mimì and Rodolfo time together.\n", "\n", "*walks downstairs behind couch things for the final time*\n", "\n", "Spectator sounds like a really tiny potato\n", "\n", "One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich is a novel written by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn , first published in November 1962 in the Soviet literary magazine Novy Mir.\n", "\n", "The first and second sneeze warrants a “bless you”. Anything after that gets you an eye roll and “grow up”.\n", "\n", "In some cases , the far end system may have more functionality than a simple demultiplexer and so , while the demultiplexing still exists logically , it may never actually happen physically.\n", "\n", "I was going to tell you a gay joke, butt fuck it.\n", "\n", "Everman appeared in Soundgarden 's Louder Than Live home video.\n", "\n", "Titanic 3D is out. You guys think they'll see the iceberg this time?\n", "\n", "Sarkozy's woes boost Juppe's election chances, harm Hollande's \n", "\n", "China Dec. exports, imports fall much less than expected after yuan slides \n", "\n", "If 'being obnoxious' was an Olympic event you'd win every time!\n", "\n", "Me: ok class if depression is traveling south at 8 beers an hour and bad decisions are driving north west at one swig per second-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Student: wait wasn't the problem solve for X?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *chugging 8th beer this hour* no it was solve my EX problem. so is now a good time to text her?\n", "\n", "how does THIS guy get a meeting with nbc\n", "\n", "I do a ton of sit-ups every morning. That snooze button really gets a hammering.\n", "\n", "EU investigating possible rigging of debt market - FT \n", "\n", "Most Americans support Obama's contested immigration plan: Reuters/Ipsos poll \n", "\n", "Love to casually insult someone by referring to them as something they're wearing\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"Whatever you say, sunglasses\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "It shows that I have reduced them to their fashion choice, and that fashion choice is stupid, implying they themselves are stupid. This is humiliating, you see.\n", "\n", "\"stay hydrated?\" i wince as i recall how painful it was to insert a long straw into the eye of my winky\n", "\n", "CORRECTION - 1 Dead in train accident in Netherlands, official tells Dutch Radio.\n", "\n", "With the new starwars film due out, Haribo have released some new sweets. I dont like them, they're all chewy.\n", "\n", "My 4yo remembers in explicit detail when she was barely 2 and threw up broccoli on me but has to be reminded to say “please” every single time she asks for something.\n", "\n", "Zeus appears and tells him the candle doesn't work in the way Hercules wants it to.\n", "\n", "Walt Disney\n", "\n", "I crafted two golems out of gold to help around the house and care for the children. They're an au pair.\n", "\n", "ME: what's a haiku?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "PROFESSOR: five, seven, five\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: got it thank you\n", "\n", "[Grocery Store]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*Smashing watermelons with my fist*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: These are all bad!!!\n", "\n", "The Thoroughbred is a horse breed best known for its use in horse racing.\n", "\n", "Turkey strikes Kurdish militia in Syria, demands it withdraw \n", "\n", "Instant noodles come cheap and save time which makes it popular with most of the population.\n", "\n", "College is just high school with more expensive books.\n", "\n", "Three people killed in Cairo blast \n", "\n", "lI was wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer then it hit me.\n", "\n", "They say there are a lot of scammers on the Internet! And for only $19.95 a month I can show you how to stop them!\n", "\n", "Why did Michael Jackson love to shop at Sears? He heard little boy's pants were half off. \n", "\n", "there’s no i in self-esteem\n", "\n", "Dog goes into BandQ and says \"excuse me, may I have a job?\" Stunned clerk \"have you tried the circus?\" Dog \"what would a they want with a plumber?\"\n", "\n", "My fan has three speeds: useless, useless and wind tunnel.\n", "\n", "They are limited to two color combinations so far , and can sing three new songs and dance.\n", "\n", "To Set The Wolf To Keep The Sheep\n", "\n", "How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? Three, but they're really only one.\n", "\n", "DOCTOR: I checked out your CAT scans.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Haha! Are there cats in my brain?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DOCTOR: No, tumors.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: ...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DOCTOR: That was pretty funny, though.\n", "\n", "Gravity doesn't exist: the earth sucks.\n", "\n", "To Put Off Till Doomsday\n", "\n", "Oh, I see you like bad girls, I say as I lick the cheese off my Dorito and place it back in the bag.\n", "\n", "How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they get three tech reports out of it.\n", "\n", "Asian stocks touch three-month low, China woes remain in spotlight \n", "\n", "None of the latter were double steals.\n", "\n", "In International Morse Code , three dits form the letter S , and three dahs make the letter O , so `` SOS '' became an easy way to remember the correct order of the dits and dahs.\n", "\n", "Aston Martin picks St. Athan site in Wales for new crossover car \n", "\n", "Although any one instruction takes just as long to complete the CPU as a whole `` retires '' instructions much faster and can be run at a much higher clock speed.\n", "\n", "British aristocrat Lord Lucan officially declared dead 42 years after his disappearance: \n", "\n", "Payton was one of three children born to Edward Charles Payton and Alyne Payton in Columbia , Mississippi.\n", "\n", "Cameron and Merkel agree more work needed for February deal on EU reforms: spokesman \n", "\n", "The liberum veto and all the old abuses of the last one and a half centuries were guaranteed as unalterable parts of this new constitution.\n", "\n", "Confuse everyone by referring to the future as 'front in the day'\n", "\n", "Was driving down the motorway yesterday in a hearse. Police pulled me over for undertaking.\n", "\n", "heyy gurl, are u a Trader Joe’s parking lot? cuz u are lookin tight but ultimately not worth the stress.\n", "\n", "I'm not saying Michael Jackson was guilty. But if I was a billionaire paedophile, I'd buy a funfair for my back garden.\n", "\n", "hiring manager: well that about wraps up the interview. anything else you'd like to let me know?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me:\n", "\n", "What do you call Dracula's retarded cousin? Countdown\n", "\n", "Nasdaq at its lowest since August: \n", "\n", "The first malacostracans appeared in the Cambrian.\n", "\n", "U.S. forces capture Islamic State operative in Iraq: NYT \n", "\n", "I don’t want to marry a SLUT a man whose penis has SHRUNK because he’s had sex with so many women a man whose penis gets SMALLER and SMALLER with each meaningless one night stand with no respect for himself \n", "\n", "patent clerk: NEXT\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: here you go \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "patent clerk: *reading papers* you can’t patent patentin-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *steps behind counter* NEXT\n", "\n", "They shed their skin in patches like other lizards , rather than the whole skin as most snakes do.\n", "\n", "Founded in 1855 , Bates was New England 's first coeducational college.\n", "\n", "The game is set in the fictional location of Spiral Mountain where a bear named Banjo and a bird named Kazooie live.\n", "\n", "He is a right back.\n", "\n", "I've just saved a ton of cash on the latest iPhone. I didn't buy one.\n", "\n", "Knock, knock. Who's there? Wooden Shoe. Wooden Shoe who? Wooden Shoe like to hear another joke?\n", "\n", "Daxter was very well received by critics.\n", "\n", "Brazil sees worst decline in global corruption rankings \n", "\n", "What kind of shoes are made out of banana peels? Slippers.\n", "\n", "Canada's Syrian refugee plan draws U.S. Senate panel scrutiny \n", "\n", "Adversity Makes Strange Bedfellows\n", "\n", "Syrian opposition demands answers before joining peace talks: \n", "\n", "Bank of England's Carney cuts UK growth forecast to 2.2% this year, rates on hold:\n", "\n", "I think my spell Czech is broken.\n", "\n", "The first fiberglass baja kit was not introduced until 1969 by the Miller-Havens company.\n", "\n", "If you choose anything today, choose to be kind.\n", "\n", "Probe clears Malaysian PM Najib, says $681 mln transfer a Saudi gift \n", "\n", "In the early 1930s , black and white jazz musicians could not play together in most clubs or concerts.\n", "\n", "So two fish are in a tank and one turns to the other and says, \"How do you drive this thing?\"\n", "\n", "If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?\n", "\n", "A man had 33 bulls and 33 cows Each pair had a calf. He thought he now had 99 cattle, but he had 100. When he rounded them up.\n", "\n", "Honey Is Not For The Ass's Mouth\n", "\n", "Saudi-backed Syrian opposition rules out talks before end to Russian air raids: \n", "\n", "*reaching the end of a long road trip*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "funniest human being on the planet: whoops, i left my toothbrush at home, guess we gotta head back!\n", "\n", "Doctor: I think you have synesthesia \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Patient: I see what you’re saying\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Doctor: you don’t have to keep telling me that\n", "\n", "Family size bags of Doritos are half price in this store today, and I know a sign when I see one.\n", "\n", "The author of many books on Hinduism and metaphysics , Subramuniyaswami was one of the most prominent faces of Hinduism during the last two decades of the 20th century.\n", "\n", "them: are you okay?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [swivelling my chair to reveal that I now have bangs] yes why\n", "\n", "date: so what do you do?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall\n", "\n", "what the fuck\n", "\n", "When my friend starts in with \"oh hey did I tell you-\" right during the best part of the movie\n", "\n", "I’m overseas so my timing is way off but how did everyone like the episode?? #JaneTheVirgin\n", "\n", "A mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said \"Uno, dos\" *POOF*. He disappeared without a tres.\n", "\n", "What do you call a puppy in a desert? A hot dog. \n", "\n", "For two hours every day , at UTC 10:00 - 11:59 , there are actually three different days observed at the same time.\n", "\n", "U.S. gives troops broader order to strike Islamic State in Afghanistan \n", "\n", "I only watched the royal wedding for the bishop. I've always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.\n", "\n", "Twitter reacts to lack of diversity in Oscars Nominations with #OscarsSoWhite: \n", "\n", "The bones of the neck indicated that the man spent a lot of time with his head tilted backwards.\n", "\n", "friend: you need to stop eating chips\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: listen I know they’re not the best for me but I’ll live how I want\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Casino security: seriously, stop\n", "\n", "I’ve been doing alcohol in neature and can’t stop making Outside Memes\n", "\n", "Opeth performed three special shows in Europe with two song lists each - one acoustic set and one heavy set.\n", "\n", "Act in good faith , never disrupt Wikipedia to illustrate a point , and assume good faith on the part of others.\n", "\n", "I found out recently that my wife had an affair with a dwarf. I can't believe she would stoop so low.\n", "\n", "To Err Is Human\n", "\n", "Asian shares, oil retreat as Saudi plays down output cuts\n", "\n", "As i handed my mom her 60th birthday card today she said \"One would've been enough\". \n", "\n", "Many Malaysian children attend Tamil schools , and a significant portion of Tamil children in Mauritius and Reunion are brought up with Tamil as their first language.\n", "\n", "Appearances Are Deceitful\n", "\n", "Siri, turn off my heart.\n", "\n", "What did the light bulb say to the switch? You turn me on.\n", "\n", "Is there such thing as a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?\n", "\n", "How often is it appropriate to make chemistry jokes? I say periodically.\n", "\n", "Nepal ends fuel rationing after supply from India improves \n", "\n", "China ties on the line as Taiwan votes for new president \n", "\n", "[being chased by a murderer]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Murderer: *stabs me*\n", "\n", "Spain's parties to discuss new government with king next week \n", "\n", "This version incorporates the famous `` You 'll never catch me alive said he '' variation introduced by the Billy Tea company.\n", "\n", "Scorpio: We’re not going to sugar-coat this, you’re going to have to fight a goose for your lunch this week.\n", "\n", "Triton was flown by at about 25,000 miles away , and became the last solid world Voyager 2 would ever explore.\n", "\n", "ME: [sketching] Triangle. Triangle. Triangle. Triangle\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "PHARAOH: First, love it\n", "\n", "After sanctions, Iranian and foreign firms await the good times \n", "\n", "You Made Your Bed, Now Lie In It\n", "\n", "me: can i get the chicken supples\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "waiter: do you mean tenders\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: sorry he just got a thesaurus \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: give me the chicken succulents\n", "\n", "\"Solitude is the refuge of artists,\" I say. My puppet stares back at me lifelessly.\n", "\n", "On the U.S. end of the Iran prisoner deal there were final-hour doubts and delays: \n", "\n", "I'm bleedin out scoob\n", "\n", "Palestinian who stabbed Israeli soldier shot dead in West Bank: army \n", "\n", "Dear #CountryMusic Fans: @BillyRayCyrus performed on the @BET Awards with @LilNasX & the crowd was hyped to see him! Why? Because we're inclusive people & the song is a hit! We expect the same love when Black artists show up at the #CMAAwards okay? #BETAwards #BlackMusicMonth\n", "\n", "$1500 exclusive\n", "\n", "As Indonesia hunts down Islamic State, homegrown jihadis regroup \n", "\n", "Forbidden Fruit Is Sweet\n", "\n", "This template makes the font smaller.\n", "\n", "A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks how long till he can get a haircut. The barber replies, \"About another half inch.\" \n", "\n", "To Come Out Dry\n", "\n", "Hi. Jew here. Everything about your behavior suggests that you have zero understanding of the Shoah. The Holocaust wasn’t only a genocide of Jews — it was a white supremacist vision of the world put into action. You, Rep. King, represent that vision. Never again is now.\n", "\n", "What do you call a man with a rabbit in his mouth?Warren.\n", "\n", "a lot of people are going to say \"why do we need another Little Women movie\" but listen: you need this. I need this. ignore the script, Jo and Laurie, ignore the end of the novel. give into your feelings. run away together.\n", "\n", "*Brings him coffee in bed before he wakes up*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Oh my God, calm down. I’m leaving.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "His wife: ...\n", "\n", "What do you call an Alien who eats too much cheese, egg yolks and animal fat? An extra-cholesterol.\n", "\n", "you ever worked up a sweat on a warm summer day and suddenly you’re an aging but still beautiful Southern belle standing on the balcony of your shabby flat, in a white satin gown, sipping a lemon coke and remembering when the boys loved you?\n", "\n", "[first day as a dentist]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ok kevin i’ve got some bad news. it looks like you’ve got what’s known as a...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "{hot pocket commercial voice}\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dry socket\n", "\n", "5yo: what if there were salamis full of megalodons?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: what\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "5yo: salamis, giant waves in the ocean, full of humongous sharks\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: oh you really messed me up for a sec- wait what\n", "\n", "U.S., allies conduct 38 strikes against Islamic State: U.S. military \n", "\n", "The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.\n", "\n", "Uber driver attacked in Kenya, his taxi torched: police - \n", "\n", "This is the first use of the name Nana since 1990.\n", "\n", "Breaking News Adam Johnson is set to sign for Man United, after hearing they have players Young, Blind and Keane.\n", "\n", "China offers support for Yemen government as Xi visits Saudi Arabia \n", "\n", "James Joyce noted that , `` He is never dull , never stupid , never tired , never pedantic , never theatrical ! ''.\n", "\n", "UK green bank shields environmental aims with new structure \n", "\n", "Marco Rubio emerges as champion of battered Republican establishment \n", "\n", "Aston Martin picks Wales for new car plant: \n", "\n", "OPEC sees further action if output 'freeze' deal holds \n", "\n", "'Star Wars' opens at record pace in China, Disney says \n", "\n", "I don't consider myself bald. I consider myself taller than my hair.\n", "\n", "Not sure why these right-wing Oregon militias are willing to die to stop a climate change law when they could just wait like 20 years\n", "\n", "Oil extends slide to retest $30 as Iraq pumps more crude \n", "\n", "An E-Flat, a G-Flat and a B-Flat walk into a bar. The barman says \"sorry but we don't serve minors\".\n", "\n", "[moments before the apocalypse] now to remove this mattress tag\n", "\n", "The last one started to power on September 7 , 2005.\n", "\n", "But how did he know sorullitos are my favorite \n", "\n", "Lopevi lost the first challenge mainly due to Chris , however , the older men of the tribe conspired into an alliance and worked to vote off one of the younger men , Brook.\n", "\n" ] }, { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "My hot take set my whole building aflame and now all the neighbors + the New York Fire Department are RLLY mad @ me \n", "\n", "[first date]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: in our 20s, our prefrontal cortex develops, blocking the bigger emotional swings from the amygdala... and potentially the capacity to feel joy. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HIM: so... you don’t like your pasta\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: i don’t like anything, greg\n", "\n", "Hey girl are you a pizza because you’re covered in cheese and no wait you are a pizza\n", "\n", "I'm for politicians doing two terms. One in office and one in jail.\n", "\n", "Reptiles are so enthusiastic! They're always up for it, right from the gecko!\n", "\n", "Me at 17: I can't wait to see what amazing things are waiting for me as an adult!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me at 37: Pretty excited about this new spatula.\n", "\n", "Everyone follow my friend Shawn. He knows secrets about me from high school and if you follow him there's a chance he'll reveal them. Also he's one of the funniest people I know\n", "\n", ".@IndyPopCon here I come!\n", "\n", "Going in my brain to find a specific word that would be perfect if I could remember it\n", "\n", "A Man Is Known By The Company He Keeps\n", "\n", "What did the grape say when it was stepped on? Nothing, it just gave a little wine.\n", "\n", "What has four legs and goes boo? A cow with a cold.\n", "\n", "Eastern European Summer Time is one of the names of UTC +3 time zone , 3 hours ahead of Coordinated Universal Time.\n", "\n", "U.S. looks to shore up allies' support to battle Islamic State \n", "\n", "Do you think last night was the world record for intercourse?\n", "\n", "The first recorded use of raspberry as a color name in English was in 1892.\n", "\n", "How do you keep an idiot in suspense?\n", "\n", "The Moche culture from Northern Peru made ceramics from earth , water , and fire.\n", "\n", "Some men think that using a moisturiser after you've had a shave is a bit gay. I don't, I just think it makes my legs lovely and soft.\n", "\n", "Are you a parking ticket? Because you have fine written all over you.\n", "\n", "Nord-Ouest is one of the ten departments of Haiti as well as the northernmost one.\n", "\n", "Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?\n", "\n", "Hear about the cross-eyed teacher? She just couldn't control her pupils.\n", "\n", "French PM rejects permanent quota system for refugees \n", "\n", "Self-Praise Is No Recommendation\n", "\n", "When the electricity demands drop , the dam simply stores more water.\n", "\n", "I was in Ferguson, got jumped by 5 black guys. It started right up, they said I just need to replace the battery.\n", "\n", "Children Are Poor Men's Riches\n", "\n", "While cooking breakfast I asked my girlfriend how she likes her eggs, she said fertilized. 😶\n", "\n", "Argentina, citing emergency, authorizes force against drug flights \n", "\n", "The EU has formally abandoned the idea that its members are heading to ever closer union: \n", "\n", "Every man in comedy has whatever the opposite of imposter syndrome is.\n", "\n", "Multi-tasking no problem for Man City-bound Guardiola \n", "\n", "Lyrics are a set of words that make up a song.\n", "\n", "The two divorced in 1902.\n", "\n", "The inspiration for Scooby-Doo 's creation as a Great Dane came from an employee of the Hanna-Barbera company , who bred this dog.\n", "\n", "U.S. files motion to force Apple to obey iPhone order\n", "\n", "also starship troopers, demolition man, and john tucker must die\n", "\n", "[at work, 8am]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "the new guy: *walks up* Hi! Can I ask you a question?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *staring out the window, stirring my morning coffee with a slice of bacon*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "the new guy: *backs away*\n", "\n", "is this the intro to john mulaney’s next netflix special\n", "\n", "Bulk shippers hit by perfect storm as global economic doldrums take toll \n", "\n", "As in many families at the time , Wesley 's parents gave their children their early education.\n", "\n", "I just got a Scottish sheep dog from the pound, but sadly my wife can't see it..She's collie blind.\n", "\n", "ME: I'll see you in a month\r", "\r", "\r\n", "WIFE: Don't forget to write\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: It's highly unlikely I'd forget such a basic skill, Sharon\n", "\n", "Luoyang was defended by three Chinese divisions.\n", "\n", "Riviera fan Johnson back in title contention \n", "\n", "Did you hear about the time Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for Christmas? He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.\n", "\n", "Trump's unorthodox campaign faces first test in Iowa \n", "\n", "A blonde is watching the news and hears that 2 Brazilian men die in an accident. She cries and says, \"Oh my gosh, how many is a brazilian?\"\n", "\n", "Top officials escape assassination attempt in Yemen's Aden: security source \n", "\n", "Our old sofa felt terrible yesterday. But now it's fully recovered\n", "\n", "Rubio takes Wall Street\n", "\n", "It was eventually decided that the last episodes would be rescripted by John Wells.\n", "\n", "Bearded Dragon running on hind legs\n", "\n", "Are Pi shops open 22/7?\n", "\n", "Sketch Artist: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Camel *in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes* that's him\n", "\n", "Trader linked by U.S. to 2010 Wall Street 'Flash Crash' made $878k, extradition hearing told: \n", "\n", "In turn , this release adds in remixes of `` Disturbia '' and `` Take A Bow '' from the Reloaded edition but excludes the remix of `` If I Never See Your Face Again '' featuring Maroon 5.\n", "\n", "Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.\n", "\n", "I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant. But apparently it just changes the color of the baby.\n", "\n", "Dad: it’s time we had “the talk”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: oh, I already know about dancing the forbidden polka \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: the what? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: ya know, boppin’ squiddles??\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: excuse me \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: slaying the vadragon??\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: what?!?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: disappointing the wife \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: oh sex, right\n", "\n", "Two silk worms had a race. It ended in a tie.\n", "\n", "The First Fleet , of 11 ships , set sail on 13 May 1787.\n", "\n", "drug dealer: *rips off mask* you’re under arrest \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: were you just impersonating someone\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: I was undercover \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: but identity theft is a crime \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: umm *scratching head with gun* yeah but-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: you’re under arrest \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: oh man sarge is gonna have my ass\n", "\n", "Another standard designation is `` Canon : Two in One '' , which means two voices in one canon.\n", "\n", "The new Greater London Authority would be headed by a directly elected mayor , who would be watched over by a 25-member Assembly.\n", "\n", "whenever someone says “that’s so funny” boop their nose and say “laugh then, dingus”\n", "\n", "The final two teams in the Eastern conference and Western Conference face off.\n", "\n", "If you break your legs, don't come running to me.\n", "\n", "Her: Do that thing I like.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *makes Bolognese*\n", "\n", "my high school had a $10 fine for swearing on campus. one time a kid got caught saying ‘shit’ during gym. when the principal told him to pay up, he handed him a twenty and said keep the fuckin change.\n", "\n", "if every action movie can have a straight romance, then a single pic of two men kissing on twitter isn't shoving it in anyone's face\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "you might not be consciously homophobic, but what you're asking for is the erasure of lgbt people from media so cishet people aren't uncomfortable\n", "\n", "A man complimented me on my driving today, there was a note on my windshield that said \"parking fine\"\n", "\n", "If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced. That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance\n", "\n", "My dentist is a miserable fellow, always looking down in the mouth.\n", "\n", "U.S. steps up talks on making Hawaii missile test site operational - sources. \n", "\n", "I'm pretty sure the waitress digs me.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "-every guy who has ever had a waitress, ever\n", "\n", "jesus: [to tens of thousands of followers] good news guys im now selling tshirts\n", "\n", "Volkswagen managers were notified about diesel probe in May 2014: sources \n", "\n", "Obama says Republican campaign rhetoric troubling to outside world \n", "\n", "The brand is also used for the broadcast of children 's programs on BBC One and BBC Two.\n", "\n", "The company also offers Absolute distilled drinking water , the second biggest selling bottled water brand in the market behind SMC 's Wilkins , and Summit mineral water.\n", "\n", "I broke into a shoe store and tied the laces together on all the womens' shoes. Bitches be trippin.\n", "\n", "They mostly live hidden in the ground , which makes them one of the least known order of amphibians.\n", "\n", "Former U.S. VP candidate Palin endorses Trump with a 'hallelujah' \n", "\n", "Sudan opens border with South Sudan for first time since 2011 secession \n", "\n", "Unease over Fed rate path dents European stocks: \n", "\n", "I love the drive-thru ATM machine because you can enter your PIN number without leaving your SUV vehicle.\n", "\n", "Sparta is home to Kentucky Speedway.\n", "\n", "Rebecca Black's Friday: a heartwarming song about a mentally retarded girl learning her days of the week.\n", "\n", "yes, autocorrect, i was definitely trying to reference that famous coming-of-age book are you there god? it’s me, margaritas\n", "\n", "It’s not easy making sure my battery reads 69% at precisely 4:20 each day but I literally have no other skill\n", "\n", "science teacher: now does anyone know why the water and oil separated\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [remembering what my parents told me] is it because of me\n", "\n", "BARISTA: what can I get you\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: medium roast please \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "M: *under breath* damn\n", "\n", "teacher: i’m going to the copy room for five minutes, keep silent and continue your work\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "every student:\n", "\n", "Minagawa was 114 years 25 days at the time.\n", "\n", "I don’t care if it was Andre 3000 I woulda told him to stfu with the flute\n", "\n", "The government runs the Speak Good English Movement to emphasise the point.\n", "\n", "I used to go out with a Dutch girl who wore inflatable shoes, but then she popped her clogs!\n", "\n", "Why do men die before their wives? They want to.\n", "\n", "Why is Bon Jovi's bed always messy? Because he doesn't think it matters if you make it or not.\n", "\n", "[Hell]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Neato! I'm a glutton for punishment\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Demon: ... *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here\n", "\n", "On the seventh day , everyone is exhausted from their work and craves rest.\n", "\n", "White House says it is 'notable' that China and Russia echo U.S. allies' concern on North Korea\n", "\n", "Somali militants planning attacks disguised as peacekeepers: AU force \n", "\n", "He was born in Seville.\n", "\n", "Bill being drafted after concerns that annual human trafficking report was watered down: \n", "\n", "I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you. They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.\n", "\n", "The last members of the class were withdrawn in 1991 , and none were preserved.\n", "\n", "The 2006 Formula One season was the 57th FIA Formula One World Championship season.\n", "\n", "social experiment: if you come across this tweet comment your zodiac sign and whether or not you murdered my father on a brisk April morning in 2003. DO NOT read the replies before you do. i'm tryna see something\n", "\n", "Pound tumbles to the centre of Britain's EU battle \n", "\n", "They divorced in 1945 when Bobby was two years old , and he grew up with his mother and older sister , Joan.\n", "\n", "Airline battle brews in Gulf as Iran eyes regional hub role \n", "\n", "Facebook launches 'Reactions' worldwide \n", "\n", "How did the hillbilly find his sister in the woods? Attractive.\n", "\n", "Teams receive three points for a win and one point for a draw.\n", "\n", "Many ADSL implementations also use ATM.\n", "\n", "See also the category '.\n", "\n", "I hate double standards. If a girl sleeps with loads of guys she's considered a \"slut\". Yet if a guy does it he's considered a \"homosexual\"\n", "\n", "Scott Kelly reflects after 11 months in space. Watch - \n", "\n", "Haydn took two years to complete the work.\n", "\n", "How To Be A Parent\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Step 1: have a child\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Step 2: your guess is as good as mine\n", "\n", "Signs of torture on body of Italian student who went missing in Egypt: security officials \n", "\n", "Type these words:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ᵗ𝔴ό ώØŘᵈⓢ\n", "\n", "Top Russian MP eyes resumption of flights, tourism with Egypt: agencies \n", "\n", "I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.\n", "\n", "How did the cheese paint his wife? He double Gloucester.\n", "\n", "Have you heard my joke about the Ebola outbreak yet? Eh... Nevermind. You probably won't get it.\n", "\n", "They have brown bark.\n", "\n", "U.S. economic growth slows to a 0.7 percent rate in fourth quarter \n", "\n", "Many breeds of horse carry pinto patterns.\n", "\n", "yeah i'm LGBT:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Liberty\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Guns\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Beer\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Transgender\n", "\n", "Going forward marriage will be called merging and you will absorb the other person to become one large meaty orb\n", "\n", "When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like \"You're Doing A Great Job\"\n", "\n", "Each player can throw the dice once.\n", "\n", "Meet the girls in Karachi changing the status quo. These boxers are aiming for international competitions.\n", "\n", "I just saw a great documentary earlier about how ships are kept together. It was riveting!\n", "\n", "Built in two distinct phases , with two new buildings adjacent to the main Waterhouse building , it is the most significant new development project in the museum 's history.\n", "\n", "My son starts school on Monday and is so scared of being picked on. I guess it's my own fault for calling him 'Someoneyourownsize'\n", "\n", "My son's impression of me is just him staring at his palm.\n", "\n", "I bought a Prince CD today. Cost me £20, but I partied like it was £19:99.\n", "\n", "[being attacked by zombie doctors]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: quick toss me an apple\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "mr t: we already used one today!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: oh no *tosses mr t* it’s tee time bitches\n", "\n", "Happiness Takes No Account Of Time\n", "\n", "I met somebody at work today called William Hill. What are the odds?\n", "\n", "The very first thing I’d ever had produced - an episode of Laverne and Shirley - was directed by @MJMcKean and starred, among others, @DavidLLander. (Carrie Fisher was also in that episode.) Only line I recall: “Hello I’m Playboy Squiggy.” HAPPY BIRTHDAY!\n", "\n", "What's the difference between Celebrity Big Brother and Big Brother? Nothing.\n", "\n", "The best part about dead baby jokes is they ever get old\n", "\n", "In pictures: Violence breaks out as Calais migrant shanty is town dismantled: \n", "\n", "That 's what keeps us going.\n", "\n", "The production was well received by critics.\n", "\n", "I often worry that mankind is going to start world war 3 solely because we enjoy trilogies.\n", "\n", "German court starts hearings in bid to ban far-right NPD party \n", "\n", "California wine is wine made in the U.S. state of California.\n", "\n", "Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no egg\n", "\n", "A girl just told me I've got a huge ego... I think she means cock.\n", "\n", "This would be the first discovery of rings around a moon.\n", "\n", "Helsinki has Finland 's largest fair center.\n", "\n", "Syrian army threatens to encircle Aleppo as talks falter: \n", "\n", "Jaquino and Marzelline are alone.\n", "\n", "What did one butt cheek say to the other? If we stick together, we can stop this shit.\n", "\n", "I have reliable inside information about Apple's next product. I will not be able to afford it.\n", "\n", "I can feel my soul leaving my body\n", "\n", "Public finances show largest January surplus since 2008, retail sales boom: \n", "\n", "US Defence Secretary says UK needs nuclear weapons for 'outsized' world role \n", "\n", "Afghan teen charged with raping worker at Belgian asylum center \n", "\n", "What's a Scottish football fan's favourite movie? Home Alone.\n", "\n", "Zidler then spies the two lovers and tells Satine to end it . Zidler walks away and Satine then faints again , but this time , she is unable to get out of bed until the next morning.\n", "\n", "her: this just isn't what i pictured when you said \"brunch\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: waiter, another baja blast please\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "taco bell cashier: dude you can just refill it yourself\n", "\n", "As Welcome As Water In One's Shoes\n", "\n", "The largest animals generally eat first , while the smaller ones follow a hierarchy.\n", "\n", "The name comes from the Greek term gymnos meaning naked.\n", "\n", "They say shoe size is directly related to penis size. That makes the fear of clowns even worse\n", "\n", "The second bridge , which took eight years to build , was the first in London to carry trams and later one of the first two roads in London to have a bus lane.\n", "\n", "Instead of cosmetics, I'm giving my wife PhotoShop.\n", "\n", "Scalia funeral quietens U.S. Supreme Court battle\n", "\n", "Darwin married twice and had 14 children , including two illegitimate daughters by an employee , and , possibly , at least one further illegitimate daughter.\n", "\n", "North Korea faked sub-launched missile test footage: analysis - \n", "\n", "Indian soldier pulled out alive after six days buried in snow \n", "\n", "What do you call a man with a rabbit up his arse? Warren\n", "\n", "His first release was on the Frauenarzt-Tape with King Orgasmus One for I Luv Money Records.\n", "\n", "WikiLeaks' Assange says to leave Ecuador embassy, accept arrest if loses UN case \n", "\n", "A termite walks into a bar and asks, \"is the bar tender here?\".\n", "\n", "I'm going to get a bumper sticker that says \"If you can read this, I can slam on my breaks and sue you\"\n", "\n", "Roses are grey.\r\n", "Violets are grey.\r\n", "I'm colorblind.\n", "\n", "[First date]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: How are you?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: Great!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *packing bag* sorry we have nothing in common\n", "\n", "me: i got us tickets to the rolling stones\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: omg you didn't?!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: you're gonna love it\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[later]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: *running from a boulder* I'M DIVORCING YOU\n", "\n", "paramedic: sir, I tried “Wife” from your phone and she didn’t pick up \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my husband: *gasping for breath* you have to call twice\n", "\n", "Oil retreats after rising on hopes of Russia, OPEC cooperation \n", "\n", "For a long time , his first six appearances would stand as the show 's record ; his current tally of eight - the last being in 2008 - fall one short of the record for guest appearances currently held by Germaine Greer and Will Self.\n", "\n", "Nas: Don’t say my car’s topless/Say “the titties is out”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Literally Everybody In The World: Absolutely not\n", "\n", "Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.\n", "\n", "Money Begets Money\n", "\n", " U.S. medevac helicopter responding to wounded U.S. Special forces has gone down in Afghanistan: NBC\n", "\n", "Such bunkers give the defending soldiers better protection than the open trench and also include top protection against aerial attack.\n", "\n", "top trump owns 2019:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "pelosi claps - yaaas, an absolute slay\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "queen scowls - tell that boy, bye\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "macron shakes hand too long - got his ass!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "trudeau coughs - okay this one is just badass as hell!!\n", "\n", "I've started taking steps to cure my alcoholism. It hasn't worked, I've just got loads of angry window cleaners after me.\n", "\n", "Silver-plate gives a clearer , brighter sound than gold and is good for styles of playing that need clarity and projection.\n", "\n", "My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell today. Technically he said, 'Less McDonald's' but I'm pretty sure I knew what he meant.\n", "\n", "The inhabitants primarily live on agriculture.\n", "\n", "just watched toy story 2. i’m sorry but i’m having a hard time suspending my disbelief for the outtakes. are these actors or are they playing themselves. i’m sorry. i had some problems with it. and the little tiny boom mic. sorry. i was really on board until this part of the film\n", "\n", "This is not correct , Risk simply put is the probability of something happening , rather it good or bad.\n", "\n", "The wife and I decided to have a clear-out and have put all our dogging gear on eBay. We havent had any bids yet but theres thirty-four watchers\n", "\n", "Hercules says he can't go and the man says he has to because he is Hercules.\n", "\n", "FIREMAN: Aww, he get stuck in the tree again?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: Yeah.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "FIREMAN: It’s okay, we’ll get him. *Whistles* Here boy, come on, we gotcha!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *Hugging branch* My name is Andrew and your tone feels condescending.\n", "\n", "He who laughs last is generally a bit slow.\n", "\n", "Powerball jackpot jumps to $900 million, fueling American fantasies \n", "\n", "NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time\n", "\n", "A single RAID array may provide some capacity to one server , and some capacity to another.\n", "\n", "[Testing loyalty and humor 13 seconds after making a new friend]: PILLLLLLOW FIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT\n", "\n", "as a boy, Hans Christian Andersen used to flirt with girls by telling them he was secretly a faerie changeling and would offer them jobs as dairy maids in the castle he would one day own, and this is the level of confidence I aspire to in my dating life.\n", "\n", "If I were Spider-Man, I’d live my life pretty much exactly the same but instead of bending over, I’d use my web to pick stuff up off the ground\n", "\n", "Any unexplained changes may be reverted.\n", "\n", "Wild Saturday night plans? Well, I’m glad you asked. I want to go out and stay up late with my friends, but I also want to sleep for 10 hours. So what I’m going to do instead is stay up late, completely alone, and make sure that none of my competing priorities win. You???\n", "\n", "Wistert was the first of three brothers to play for Michigan . The other two are Al Wistert and Alvin Wistert.\n", "\n", "He That Talks Much Errs Much\n", "\n", "I’m trying to be exactly like boomer all summer\n", "\n", "- the bowl and the soup\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- 2 bowl 2 soup\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- soup bowl: tokyo drift\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- bowling 4: soup\n", "\n", "Trump raps Merkel over migrants, says U.S. could have good relations with Putin \n", "\n", "me: *sees one ant* fine just don’t be a dick \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[20 minutes later] \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ant: i brought 14,000 of my friends is that cool?\n", "\n", "me: *ugly crying*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wendy’s cashier: I mean...maybe we can deep fry a frosty\n", "\n", "Yellen's dilemma: A downturn with no easy response \n", "\n", "What do you cal a fly that has retired? A flew.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the guy who won the anal sex competition? He actually came in the #2 spot.\n", "\n", "Why do mermaids wear seashells? They're too big for B-shells and too small for D-shells.\n", "\n", "How are peanut butter and jelly related? They're inbred\n", "\n", "Call me crazy but “They’re just putting people in concentration camps, it’s not like they’re exterminating them” is not the standard I want my government held to.\n", "\n", "Shearer may be best known for his prolific work as a voice actor on The Simpsons.\n", "\n", "Daily Mirror publisher to launch new weekday newspaper - Sky News \n", "\n", "blue jean baybay\r", "\r", "\r\n", "LA baybay\r", "\r", "\r\n", "seamstress for the baybay...\n", "\n", "I'm always one step ahead of my girlfriend. When she dumped me, I told her the bags were already in the car.\n", "\n", "What's red, white, blue and green? A seasick Uncle Sam!\n", "\n", "Fire hits renovated Paris Ritz weeks before reopening \n", "\n", "Arkansas governor wants Civil War icon separated from MLK holiday \n", "\n", "651 : Last Sassanid ruler Yazdegerd III then fled eastward from one district to another , until at last he was killed by a local miller for his purse at Merv , ending the dynasty.\n", "\n", "The hills are alive with the sound of music. They've been chanting in unison for days now. The clouds are growing dark.\n", "\n", "INTERVIEWER: It says here you can see into the future\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Right\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "INTERVIEWER: uhhh ok. next question, [points at shape on paper] what kind of triangle is this?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "INTERVIEWER: Oh my god\n", "\n", "South Korean army helicopter crash kills three \n", "\n", "Fate of Florida death row inmates in limbo after U.S. Supreme Court ruling \n", "\n", "French judge views Calais 'jungle' before migrants' appeal: \n", "\n", "I saw a transvestite wearing a shirt that said \"guess\"\n", "\n", "The back hand is placed face down on the table in front of the player , then the middle hand is placed face down in front of the back hand , and the front hand is placed face down in front of the middle hand . After all the players have set their hands , each player will announce in turn whether or not he is playing his hand.\n", "\n", "I hate the part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and actually participate in life.\n", "\n", "Lol.\n", "\n", "A second parameter may be used if only one year is to be displayed.\n", "\n", "Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seats cause kids.\n", "\n", "He `` spent three years on A Time to Kill and finished it in 1987.\n", "\n", "me: you’re dumping me?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: you can’t keep my name straight\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " r e\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: but a g r t I love you!\r", "\r", "\r\n", " m a\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: that’s not my name\n", "\n", "It's not a real sport until someone ends up wrapped up in a rug and thrown into the sea because of the result\n", "\n", "Pro tip: trace the alphabet with your tongue when you're going down on a lady so she knows you can read\n", "\n", " When its teeth are all bent,\r", "\r", "\r\n", "And it lives near a vent,\r", "\r", "\r\n", "That's a Moray\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "When there's no pelvic fin,\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Covered in thick skin,\r", "\r", "\r\n", "That's a Moray \n", "\n", "ME: I really need to lose some weight.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not lose any weight. In fact, he ate a whole cake and went back to bed.\n", "\n", "Last night I layed in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself... Where's the roof gone?\n", "\n", "guy from high school I barely knew 20 years ago sees me: brent?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me:\n", "\n", "me: *tucking her in* goodnight step daughter, sleep tight, dont let the bed bugs bite\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "step daughter:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "porn director: okay cut\n", "\n", "He Jests At Scars That Never Felt A Wound\n", "\n", "The name ` buckwheat ' or ` beech wheat ' comes from its triangular seeds , which resemble the much larger seeds of the beech nut from the beech tree , and the fact that it is used like wheat.\n", "\n", "Iraqi army helicopter crash kills nine: spokesman \n", "\n", "Malaysia halts intake of foreign workers after protests \n", "\n", "Before you wed that lawyer, remember you're about to marry someone who's been professionally trained to argue.\n", "\n", "Percy , accompanied by two friends , Annabeth and Grover , have 10 days to find it before the summer solstice.\n", "\n", "Hungary's Orban says Russia, Europe need better relations \n", "\n", "ME: eh I’m not that into Vegas because I don’t gamble\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ALSO ME: -spends $35 on a claw machine because I moved the stuffed Donkey Kong’s leg up a little last time and I know I can get it this time-\n", "\n", "U.N. to discuss Syria humanitarian situation ahead of Munich talks \n", "\n", "my nephew opens a door in my mansion labelled ‘tweet drafts” and i run to block his view but it’s too late. he’s seen the room and all it has is a chalkboard with ‘jon bon voyage’ written on it for when bon jovi dies\n", "\n", "VW CEO says new catalytic converter could fix 430,000 U.S. cars \n", "\n", "kid: what does lol mean grandpa\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: it's what you say at the end of a sentence so people don't get mad at you lol\n", "\n", "My new house has a circular driveway. I can't get out.\n", "\n", "Oil slides to lowest since 2003 as Iran sanctions lifted \n", "\n", "A look at the last 24 hours around the world, in \n", "\n", "Lake Ontario is one of the five Great Lakes of North America.\n", "\n", "the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame\n", "\n", "Chickens don't have friends. They only have pen pals.\n", "\n", "Their philosophy was that the purpose of life was to live a life of Virtue in agreement with Nature.\n", "\n", "Money Spent On The Brain Is Never Spent In Vain\n", "\n", "GE moving headquarters to Boston for tech talent, tax cut \n", "\n", "Thousands of apps running Baidu code collect, leak personal data - research: \n", "\n", "You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.\n", "\n", "confession: i did not get parent permission before going online\n", "\n", "What do you call an Iraqi with a sheep under one arm and a goat underthe other? Bisexual.\n", "\n", "John Kerry: People don't fly to Davos to celebrate the status quo. None of you are here for that. \n", "\n", "Colombia stops visits by FARC leaders aimed at briefing fighters on peace talks \n", "\n", "Massive blizzard paralyzes New York and Washington, 19 dead \n", "\n", "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.\n", "\n", "*steps up to the mic at the city council meeting* Should I call my Ghostbusters porn parody script Nutbusters or Ghostboners?\n", "\n", "Six days before the launch , the sculpture suffered the first of three visible structural problems as the tip of one of the spikes detached and fell to the ground.\n", "\n", "My sex doll and I have been together for exactly a year today. To celebrate our anniversary, I decided to get her a book: Sex tips for Dummies\n", "\n", "The county 's main river gives it its name : the DâmboviÅ£a River.\n", "\n", "[Thread] My boss made a comment today along the line of \"I don't get how women can complain about how they get treated when they do shit like this.\" I turned around and to see what he was talking about, and he was looking at a thumbnail of a profile pic of a woman on LinkedIn.\n", "\n", "Sign posted in a bathroom: We aim to please! You aim too! Please!\n", "\n", "My wife said that I'll find any excuse to drink. Speaking of beer...\n", "\n", "I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.\n", "\n", "Score Twice Before You Cut Once\n", "\n", "Asian shares slip as crude resumes drop \n", "\n", "To Draw Water In A Sieve\n", "\n", "I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'. You probably saw our posters.\n", "\n", "Is it bad to hate a certain race? Because I absolutely loathe Rainbow Road.\n", "\n", "[meeting girlfriend's parents]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her dad: so have you thought about having kids\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: hmm not really\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her dad:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her dad: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: what about you?\n", "\n", "I've got my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting tomorrow. I rang them today to check the time. It's ten to one.\n", "\n", "She has spent much of her adult life in the entertainment industry.\n", "\n", "2 guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.\n", "\n", "My girlfriend is weird, she always starts conversations with, \"Are you even listening to me!\"\n", "\n", "U.S. looks to Facebook, private groups to battle online extremism: \n", "\n", "One Law For The Rich, And Another For The Poor\n", "\n", "I'm sick of men's 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.\n", "\n", "I wonder if the ladies at the clubs can hear what the sings are saying about them.\n", "\n", "The great Florentine painter Cimabue discovered Giotto drawing pictures of his sheep on a rock.\n", "\n", "What?!!\n", "\n", "EU clears Dell's purchase of EMC Corp \n", "\n", "To do:cancel fishing trip, practice putting toilet seat down, teach wife how to check browser history------in your dreams, ladies.\n", "\n", "South Korea's Park says door not shut on dialogue with North \n", "\n", "What do you call twin policemen? Copies. \n", "\n", "Appetite Comes With Eating\n", "\n", "Senegal's president says will stick to seven-year mandate \n", "\n", "She is best known for her first novel Rubyfruit Jungle.\n", "\n", "On a Mediterranean rescue with Italian police. Part of the Migrant Machine investigation: \n", "\n", "He also gives an example of an adult that can make mistakes in vision because of how one 's experience suggests that they are seeing one thing , when they are really seeing something else.\n", "\n", "I know a guy who's in denial about his addiction to brake fluid. He says he can stop at any time.\n", "\n", "Crude down on oversupply after short-covering, cold-spell rally \n", "\n", "All Roads Lead To Rome \n", "\n", "Why should you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.\n", "\n", "I organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had a great time.\n", "\n", "Self Is A Bad Counsellor\n", "\n", "Forensic team finds remains in Mexico dump, but no sign of 43 students: \n", "\n", "Detroit's auto industry is changed, but not as Washington planned \n", "\n", "What do you call two ants that run away to get married? Antelopes\n", "\n", "KETO? Oh, I thought you said Cheeto. Yeah, no, I’m good.\n", "\n", "Bluebird K7 is a hydroplane with which Donald Campbell set seven water speed records.\n", "\n", "[gets pulled over]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: do you know how fast you were growing?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: officer, I wa-wait did you say growing?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: *removes mask to reveal grandma* you've gotten so big\n", "\n", "Why do ghosts enjoy riding in elevators? It raises their spirits.\n", "\n", "As it zigzagged from water to land , it became the first storm in recorded history to make landfall in Florida four times.\n", "\n", "It has yielded many archaeological discoveries , including one of the first specimens of Homo erectus , dubbed Peking Man , and a fine assemblage of bones of the gigantic hyena Pachycrocuta brevirostris.\n", "\n", "British finance minister pushes G20 to warn against Brexit: FT \n", "\n", "Obama, Republican leaders to seek elusive common ground in White House meeting \n", "\n", "How do you make a snooker table laugh? Put your hand in its pocket and tickle it's balls.\n", "\n", "Houston's crude reality: oil \n", "\n", "New Castle is home to New Castle Fieldhouse , the largest high school gymnasium in the world.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between a mailbox and an elephant's asshole? You don't know? Remind me not to give you a letter to mail.\n", "\n", "U.S. prisoners leave Iran, arrive in Germany, as Obama hails win for diplomacy: \n", "\n", "Mugabe birthday bash riles critics in drought-hit Zimbabwe \n", "\n", "It has two other little river help one is Thadho and other is Sukhan.\n", "\n", "Every day I don’t slip out of the work parking lot at lunchtime to start a new life kills me a little more inside.\n", "\n", "Iran's leader calls for parliament that stands up to the West \n", "\n", "Merkel ally threatens legal action over refugee policy \n", "\n", "Macaroons are garbage cookies and yes, we can take this outside.\n", "\n", "Obama says will try to block Islamic State from 'digging in' in Libya \n", "\n", "FIFA says executive member Worawi Makudi banned for three months by disciplinary committee\n", "\n", "A painter billed me $0 after finishing painting my house. I asked, why $0? He said: \"don't worry about the paint, it's on the house.\"\n", "\n", "My ex? Yea I'd still hit that... with a bus.\n", "\n", "But Barry had taken it off him to learn to strum his first chords.\n", "\n", "Finally , Odysseus ' men convinced Odysseus that it was time to leave for Ithaca.\n", "\n", "What did the girl with no arms get for Christmas? Gloves. Only joking, she hasnt opened her presents yet\n", "\n", "Gamkrelidze was born in Kutaisi.\n", "\n", "If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?\n", "\n", "Because it is impossible to correct this for each and every userpage every time the top icons are broken , a new template and class were introduced to make it simpler to support the icons.\n", "\n", "U.N. envoy voices fears on North Korea-Russia extradition pact \n", "\n", "A Reading Time for 20 minutes every day is designed to help students to cultivate a reading habit.\n", "\n", "The name that stuck with him for life , however , was Cowboy.\n", "\n", "For my next trick, I will eat a musical instrument in a bread bap. Drum roll please.\n", "\n", "Me: [screaming]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "You: [screaming]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "All of us: [screaming]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Ice cream parlour employee: I fuckin quit\n", "\n", "Mick Jagger: [answering phone] hi this is Mick Jagger \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Some poor employee ordered to conduct a survey on customer satisfaction: oh no\n", "\n", "By the time it closed , only eight trains stopped at the station each day - four each way.\n", "\n", "Canadian who says he fought Islamic State detained in Australia \n", "\n", "For someone like Sarah who is first time to appear and act in a film , she 's good and I 'm proud of her.\n", "\n", "Scientists say that sniffing Rosemary can increase memory by 75 percent, but every time I try she slaps me and says I'm a creep.\n", "\n", "In the future, only those with excellent Minecraft skills will survive climate change.\n", "\n", "As he walks back into the stable a man jumps down upon him , Hercules turns to see it is Iolaus.\n", "\n", "Burundi rebels say trained by Rwandan military - U.N. experts \n", "\n", "I rate myself 9.84520137453850162 out of 10 for accuracy.\n", "\n", "The first recorded use of champagne as a color name in English was in 1915.\n", "\n", "Her live show Elle McFeast Live is best known for the incident when Chopper Read appeared drunk on her first show on 18 March 1998.\n", "\n", "I am the most pleasant person you'll ever meet. Until you wake me.\n", "\n", "Volkswagen board hires law firm to advise on emissions scandal liabilities \n", "\n", "There are a lot of hurt feelings and nasty things being said. But I think we can all agree...my neglected balls are the real victims here.\n", "\n", "Another famous delicacy is the `` Cendol '' . Presently , the owner , Munusamy , of `` Cendol Klang '' store , located at the heart of Klang town center , has come a long way to where it is today.\n", "\n", "This bird 's name commemorates the American ornithologist George Newbold Lawrence.\n", "\n", "What do ghosts use to wash their hair? ShamBoo.\n", "\n", "If you have a dog you wanted painted, go talk to Lotty. Or maybe you’re a dog and you want a painting of yourself? Go bark at Lotty.\n", "\n", "6y/o: “Sometimes I like to pretend to be a potted plant.”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Right. Yeah. Right.\n", "\n", "Milk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasteurized before you even see it.\n", "\n", "My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where she is.\n", "\n", "Founding members say European Union is in bad shape \n", "\n", "The most common belly to back variants are the German suplex and the back suplex.\n", "\n", "There should be a children's song called \"if you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep\".\n", "\n", "Knock, Knock. Who's there? Thistle. Thistle who? Thistle be the last time I knock.\n", "\n", "Where does a dog go when he loses his tail? A re-tail store\n", "\n", "See and for examples showing how to cut down to make it do one specific kind of custom search.\n", "\n", "India orders universities to display large flags after protests \n", "\n", "If we take another sample of 25 cups , we could easily expect to find values like 250.4 or 251.1 grams.\n", "\n", "principal: we called your dad\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: fuck\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "principal: he didn't answer\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: oh nice\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "principal: so we called your grandpa\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: but he's been dead for years\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "principal: too bad\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: what'd he say\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "principal: grandpa's comin\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: what\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*a chill wind blows*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "principal: grandpa's comin\n", "\n", "I'd love to be a juggler. But I haven't got the balls.\n", "\n", "\"Vodka! Whiskey! Tequila!\" I call the shots!\n", "\n", "me: I really should make an appointment to see my optometrist\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my lazy eye: let’s wait until tomorrow\n", "\n", "yeah sex is cool but have you ever had horses in the back\n", "\n", " Treasury says Andrew Bailey to become new chief executive of Financial Conduct Authority\n", "\n", "Hercules once again comes to the rescue and faces one of his most difficult challenges , and must prove himself as a man as well as a god.\n", "\n", "windows down blasting my audiobook\n", "\n", "Comment a set up for a joke and I’ll make a punchline\n", "\n", "Siddig was born in Sudan and has spent most of his life in England.\n", "\n", "Three other Pacific storms , two of which were hurricanes , and three Atlantic storms also had a direct impact on Mexico.\n", "\n", "It's May Day, but I don't see any sinking ships.\n", "\n", "[Sitting in traffic]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "This would be a lot easier with a car.\n", "\n", "I started a band called 999 Megabytes We haven't got a gig yet.\n", "\n", "Why doesn't Santa smoke? It's bad for his elf!\n", "\n", "kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it\n", "\n", "Did you hear the one about the streaker who ran naked through a church? The priest caught him by the organ.\n", "\n", "No Great Loss Without Some Small Gain\n", "\n", "In recent years , Nidwalden is becoming an increasingly popular place to live and work.\n", "\n", "It took 20 days for new trees and vegetation to grow following the storms passing.\n", "\n", "Make love not war - or marry and do both.\n", "\n", "CORRECTION: Brazil health officials confirm Zika virus was transmitted through a blood transfusions last year, not two.\n", "\n", "At least 19 dead in suicide attack in north Cameroon: local officials \n", "\n", "Obama to propose $2.5 billion tax credit for community college investment \n", "\n", "His first published song was `` When You Want 'Em You Can't Get 'Em , When You 've Got 'Em , You Don't Want 'Em . ''\n", "\n", "For many Palestinians, Israel settlement work the only option \n", "\n", "In U.S. oil capital Houston, no cheap fuel bonanza for airlines: \n", "\n", "U.S. judge again denies Texas request to bar Syrian refugees \n", "\n", "To Fish In Troubled Waters\n", "\n", "you enter my mansion. inside, you find a room labelled \"the clown room\". you enter inside it to find only a single mirror. you fall to your knees as i cackle maniacally\n", "\n", "I sexually identify as “rebel scum”\n", "\n", "Vampires can't see themselves in a mirror, so how come their hair is always so perfect?\n", "\n", "I hope the guy who wants to make that million dollars so freaking bad makes $999,999.99 then gets hit by a bus. Via@amazingoneliner\n", "\n", "At least 20 dead in siege by suspected Islamists at Burkina Faso hotel \n", "\n", "O mother mine , words from your lips Are like nectar to my ears.\n", "\n", "Pope says Donald Trump is 'not Christian,' Trump calls comment 'disgraceful'\n", "\n", "What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog\n", "\n", "me when someone tries to get to know me\n", "\n", "What did the leper say to the hooker after sex? \"You can keep the tip\"\n", "\n", "My Doctor gave me something to treat my haemorrhoids. But personally, I'm not so sure they deserve a treat.\n", "\n", "A Word Spoken Is Past Recalling\n", "\n", "To Plough The Sand\n", "\n", "Hi @gofundme I noticed the Pride flag icon on your profile. So why are you allowing millionaire bigot Israel Folau - who continues to spew hate speech against the rainbow community - to use your platform to raise money to line his pockets?? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "I'll wait.\n", "\n", "There the woman holds the man.\n", "\n", "African Union to send 200 monitors to Burundi: SAfrican president \n", "\n", "What is al-queda's favorite football team? The New York Jets.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the guy who mixed Viagra and laxatives? He didn't know if he was coming or going.\n", "\n", "In Northern Ireland, you can buy a former nuclear bunker that was a state secret until 2007: \n", "\n", "To Be Up To The Ears In Love\n", "\n", "When I see pics of other dads with #1 dad gear\n", "\n", "Pope says Trump 'not Christian' in a sign of global concern \n", "\n", "U.S., Mexican operation targets high-level Sinaloa cartel members \n", "\n", "Put on your crotchless denim panties, babygirl, things are about to get very sexual in the double wide.\n", "\n", "Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.\n", "\n", "Why did the orange stop? Because it ran out of juice.\n", "\n", "Weather-weary Indian farmers resort to new cash crop: blood \n", "\n", "The same is true , to a point , of the chemical reactions of life.\n", "\n", "Why are some white guys in my industry so silent about the horrific detention centers and ICE raids, but yet were in my DMs about how they have a thing for latinas and have always been a fan of my culture? A fan you say? You should be doing the MOST right now\n", "\n", "Pakistani man kills sisters in suspected honor killing \n", "\n", "His time abroad would last three years and cost his father $ 2,604.24.\n", "\n", "Islamic State-linked hacker makes first U.S. appearance in federal court \n", "\n", "My new IUD is also a Keurig\n", "\n", "Just for tonight, Dear Theodosia on both sides of 46th street. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Thank you @respektor for a magical night.\n", "\n", "U.N. agency wants speedier aircraft threat warnings: sources \n", "\n", "Pasteur 's later work on diseases included work on chicken cholera.\n", "\n", "Doing so confirms IQ gains over time.\n", "\n", "What do you do if a bird shits on your car? Don't take her out again\n", "\n", "It just doesn't seem right to write your autobiography before your dead.\n", "\n", "Rusk was born in Malta , Ohio.\n", "\n", "U.N. panel rules in favour of Wikileaks' Assange: \n", "\n", "I was trying to explain the concept of Twitter to my friend. But she finally said \"I don't follow you\"\n", "\n", "Here is a new poem entitled \"Refugees\". Please bear with it.\n", "\n", "My wife told me to prepare our ginger son for his first day at school. So I beat him up and took his dinner money off him.\n", "\n", "A sawmill 's basic operation is much like those of hundreds of years ago ; a log enters on one end and dimensional lumber exits on the other end.\n", "\n", "Fallaci was born in Florence , Italy.\n", "\n", "Moscow confirms Russians detained in Turkey over Islamic State links: RIA \n", "\n", "Met a girl in a bar last night. She said: \"Hi I'm Yvette\". I said \"Hi I'm an Accountant\".\n", "\n", "The entrance is located on present day Place Denfert-Rochereau.\n", "\n", "me: [doing crossword] three letter word; the last name of john lennon’s wife.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dad: ono.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "mom: ono.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[kool aid guy breaks thru the wall]\n", "\n", "By early 1862 , his marriage was in trouble , and Biddy left to live with a man named James Taylor from Humbug Creek , which flows south from Lake Cowal.\n", "\n", "I put my left earphone in and said.. This doesn't feel right.\n", "\n", "How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? Two. The light bulb you remove and the light bulb you replace it with.\n", "\n", "What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance? Nina.\n", "\n", "So brave of google to recognize the love between a man and his ball\n", "\n", "His original horns recede and are now white in color , erupting in pairs along the length of his head.\n", "\n", "What do you call a man who used to be an artist? Drew\n", "\n", "A major Canadian piano and organ and reed organ company operated under the name of Woodstock Organ Company for many years of the early twentieth century.\n", "\n", "Who needs rhetorical questions?\n", "\n", "U.N. rights expert accuses Israel of excessive force against Palestinians \n", "\n", "Turkey denies soldiers entered Syria, says has no such plans: \n", "\n", "Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it..\n", "\n", "Austria seeks talks with Balkan neighbors after capping migrant flow \n", "\n", "Russia to strengthen military in response to NATO expanding drills: agencies \n", "\n", "The claps in the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. song should have been screams\n", "\n", "Islamic State member executes his own mother in Syria, monitor group says: \n", "\n", "With victims in audience, Australian cardinal to testify on abuse \n", "\n", "HSBC curbs mortgage offering to Chinese citizens in U.S. \n", "\n", "I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.\n", "\n", "Breaking News: Pedigree Chum have gone bust! They've called in the retrievers.\n", "\n", "a story in three parts\n", "\n", "The good news is that what I thought was a rat was actually just the kid’s hamster.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "The bad news is I’d already kicked it over the fence before I realised.\n", "\n", "If you want my opinion you'll have to ask my wife for it.\n", "\n", "Five years on, unrest is testing the 'Arab Spring' model country Tunisia: \n", "\n", "To add another line , go here.\n", "\n", "Chinese president urges officials to diligently implement reforms: Xinhua \n", "\n", "Syria's U.S.-backed rebel alliance expanding landing field for non-combat goals: spokesman \n", "\n", "Me: *Holds up drawing* is this the guy?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Witness: that looks nothing like him\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN\n", "\n", "U.S. becoming more careful in YPG ties: Turkey presidential spokesman \n", "\n", "When traffic's bad, I like to do the princess wave out the window. People love it! They honk and cheer and wave their longest finger at me\n", "\n", "During his three year tenure , Anton received limited screen time on the show.\n", "\n", "Trump gains first endorsement from member of Congress \n", "\n", " Pentagon to hike spending request to fund Islamic State fight \n", "\n", "I went to the supermarket and said: \"I'd like to make a complaint,this vinegar's got lumps in it\". He replied: \"Those are pickled onions.\"\n", "\n", "As of 10/17/08 , Joey is back on the radio after a long absence.\n", "\n", "A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef. The butcher replies: \"Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!\"\n", "\n", "My wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practising my reaction.\n", "\n", "I needed a password that was eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the seven dwarfs.\n", "\n", "How many oranges grow on the average orange tree? All of them.\n", "\n", "You gotta hand it to short people because they can't reach it\n", "\n", "live footage of my life peaking\n", "\n", "Watson: Why are you painting the front door yellow? Holmes: A lemon entry my dear Watson!\n", "\n", " Iran's Revolutionary Guard says has released detained U.S. sailors - report\n", "\n", "Judgment Day is a professional wrestling pay-per-view event produced every May by professional wrestling promotion World Wrestling Entertainment.\n", "\n", "Bomb explosion at police station kills 4 in northern Nigeria \n", "\n", "Turkish PM says no role for 'terrorist groups' in Syria talks \n", "\n", "Who Has Never Tasted Bitter, Knows Not What Is Sweet\n", "\n", "A Foul Morn May Turn To A Fair Day\n", "\n", "What do you call a hot chick in Boston? A tourist\n", "\n", "Litvinenko murder suspect Lugovoy calls UK inquiry accusations 'absurd': \n", "\n", "Pope calls for worldwide ban on death penalty \n", "\n", "Risk rally fades as stocks, oil slip back into the red\n", "\n", "So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me \"Can you give me a lift?\" \"Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it\"\n", "\n", "IRS says experiencing computer failure \n", "\n", "ME: I'm done with Twitter. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MORGAN FREEMAN: But he was, in fact, not done with Twitter.\n", "\n", "Greek police start removing migrants from Macedonian border \n", "\n", "Finally , I wish to speak directly to those who came to London today to take life.\n", "\n", "The family live in Winchester , Massachusetts.\n", "\n", "When I was born, the doctor came to the waiting room and said to my father, I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled thru\n", "\n", "North Korea could be ready to launch missile test by Super Bowl Sunday: U.S. intelligence\n", "\n", "friend: help, i need somebody! help!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: not just anybody, help! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "friend:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: oh shit she bled out\n", "\n", "Can't find the bottom of my shoes. Guess I have some sole searching to do.\n", "\n", "Mom you can turn the night light off, I'm in a gang now\n", "\n", "If you urinate in a pair of swim goggles and strap them to your face you won't need Instagram anymore.\n", "\n", "British aristocrat Lord Lucan declared dead 42 years after he disappeared \n", "\n", "Italy Senate rejects first of two no-confidence votes against Renzi \n", "\n", "The three vessels made a faster trip than the First Fleet , arriving at Port Jackson in the last week of June 1790 , three weeks after Lady Juliana , and one week after the storeship Justinian.\n", "\n", "There are also many great parks.\n", "\n", "I called up a takeaway and said \"do you deliver\" They said \"No, we do lamb, chicken or fish\"\n", "\n", "FRIEND: what's new?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "FRIEND: hertz?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does\n", "\n", "The first recorded use of Maroon as a color name in English was in 1789.\n", "\n", "GE to sell India financial services business to Aion, former execs \n", "\n", "You should know you'll get loud when you start drinking. It says right there on the label, \"Alcohol by volume.\"\n", "\n", "accidentally whispered “dust me daddy” when the waiter offered me black pepper\n", "\n", "I’m aging like a fine wine. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "In a basement, unappreciated by men my age.\n", "\n", "construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again\n", "\n", "I just got hit by a rental car. It Hertz.\n", "\n", "Oil traders beware: El Niño may distort U.S. shale output picture: \n", "\n", "nipples are just boob straws\n", "\n", "I want this to be said to me before I get out of bed every morning. This is everything I want\n", "\n", "Oh I missed part of the title my bad https://twitter.com/hii_nal/status/1132915883830009856 …\n", "\n", "If women ruled the world there wouldn't be any wars, just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.\n", "\n", "My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to make a car out of spaghetti. She soon shut up when I drove pasta.\n", "\n", "Quasimodo goes to the pub and says \"Scotch whiskey please\". Barman says \"Bell's alright?\" Quasi says \"Mind your own business\".\n", "\n", "Self care isn't always chocolate & NetFlix. Sometimes, it's getting out of bed & doing more difficult tasks like summoning a demon to help with the dishes or finding the right number of chicken bones to appease the thing that lives in the attic.\n", "\n", "A Storm In A Teacup\n", "\n", "CAPRI SON: can I have a juice packet dad?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CAPRI DAD {pulls one from pocket of calf-length cargo shorts}: here ya go sport\n", "\n", "What Must Be, Must Be\n", "\n", "The only regret I would have if I died in my sleep was going to bed.\n", "\n", "Random thought, I've never seen an Asian woman pregnant.\n", "\n", "Advertisment from British Airways: \"Breakfast in London, Lunch in New-York and luggage in Berlin\"\n", "\n", "The Devil Lurks Behind The Cross\n", "\n", "A closed mouth gathers no foot.\n", "\n", "My friend drowned, and at the funeral, we got him flowers in the shape of a life vest. It's what he would have wanted.\n", "\n", "me: hey why-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "librarian: shh\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ʷʰʸ ᶜᵃⁿᵗ ʷᵉ ᵗᵃˡᵏ ᶦⁿ ˡᶦᵇʳᵃʳᶦᵉˢ\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "librarian: they'll hear us\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: who is they\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "the ghost who lives in the shelves: WHO DARES DISTURB-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "librarian: SHH\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "the ghost who lives in the shelves: ᶠᵘᶜᵏ ᵈᵒ ᵘ ᵗʰᶦⁿᵏ ᵗʰᵉʸ ʰᵉᵃʳᵈ ᵐᵉ\n", "\n", "Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys? Aisle B, back.\n", "\n", "Drake at Raptors parade: ok, here's a little song I just wrote to celebrate the championship, it's called... \"Hotline Bling\"\n", "\n", "Her time with the Goddards would once again prove to be short.\n", "\n", "His trademark hit songs include `` Indian Outlaw '' , `` Don't Take the Girl '' , `` I Like It , I Love It '' , `` Something Like That '' , `` It 's Your Love '' , and `` Live Like You Were Dying ''.\n", "\n", "I have nothing to apologise for . ''\n", "\n", "Russia to deliver S-300 missile systems to Iran in nearest time: RIA \n", "\n", "At school we discussed the great rulers. I opted for the Helix 30cm shatterproof.\n", "\n", "isn’t it annoying how stuff always happens\n", "\n", "Russia says NATO's planned easward build-up is destabilizing \n", "\n", "Why was Michael Jackson once spotted at K-Mart? He heard child's pants were half off.\n", "\n", "Iraqi military advance reconnects Ramadi to key army base \n", "\n", "By definition , there is no possible way for anything in one universe to affect another ; if two `` universes '' could affect one another , they would be part of a single universe.\n", "\n", "I'm not saying I'm an ugly cunt, but I fucked a blind girl once who asked for the light off.\n", "\n", "South Korea says working with U.S., Japan on 'strong' North Korea sanctions \n", "\n", "Spain arrests man in North African enclave for promoting Islamist militancy \n", "\n", "On her deathbed Sorcha tells Iubdin that he must return to Harrowfield and learn the truth about John and Margery 's son.\n", "\n", "Iran says boosting oil exports depends on future demand: \n", "\n", "[at the fair]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Ferret: that whole ride is for me?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: what? No\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Ferret: ...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: ferris wheel \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Ferret: take me home\n", "\n", "everything is terrible so i googled \"dogs being interviewed\" and it helped\n", "\n", "What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spectator. \n", "\n", "Three gunmen attack university in northwest Pakistan: local media \n", "\n", "Police shooting shuts down Las Vegas Strip \n", "\n", ". Bruce Springsteen\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "To Run In The USA\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " Born\n", "\n", "Me trying to write an actual letter after 20 years of emailing\n", "\n", "Uber racked up big international losses during 2014 expansion \n", "\n", "FIFA candidate Salman denies MP's allegations \n", "\n", "A hand axe is a bifacial Stone tool of the Lower and Middle Paleolithic.\n", "\n", "What's a pirate's favourite sex position? Up the Arrrrrrse!\n", "\n", "I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.\n", "\n", "My mate just showed me his amazing new wind turbine..I was blown away!\n", "\n", "Trump: UK lawmakers' debate an 'absurd waste of time': \n", "\n", "Whenever i watch The Titanic I get a sinking feeling.\n", "\n", "The album featured Thile 's suite `` The Blind Leaving the Blind '' , as well as other original songs.\n", "\n", "Powerful Iraq Shi'ite cleric says PM's position at stake unless he reforms \n", "\n", "Me: I'll have the usual.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bartender: *slides an entire bowl of maraschino cherries across the bar*\n", "\n", "What noise does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew.\n", "\n", "How do trains eat? They chew-chew.\n", "\n", "Some day my prince will come and mow my fucking lawn.\n", "\n", "Did Noah include termites on the ark?\n", "\n", "First U.S. case of Zika virus contracted in Dallas County, according to health officials. \n", "\n", "Turkish foreign minister says Kurdish YPG seeking to divide Syria \n", "\n", "When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.\n", "\n", "Automakers, not Silicon Valley, lead in driverless car patents: study \n", "\n", "New Jersey Gov. Christie drops 2016 Republican presidential bid: aide \n", "\n", "[my papercut slowly heals over the course of two weeks]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ᶦ ᵃᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ᵂᵒˡᵛᵉʳᶦⁿᵉ\n", "\n", "Happy Is He That Is Happy In His Children\n", "\n", "Elsewhere a young woman is collecting water , when the ground begins to shake.\n", "\n", "Saudi Arabia lists four firms, three Lebanese men for links to Hezbollah: agency \n", "\n", "China party to punish former tycoon for microblog posts \n", "\n", "What: A taunt used by gangsters.\n", "\n", "Had a massage today, I came away in a foul mood. They rubbed me up the wrong way.\n", "\n", "To Stick To Somebody Like A Leech\n", "\n", "In the Central Pacific Hurricane Center 's area of responsibility , three depressions , two tropical storms , and one hurricane formed.\n", "\n", "Trump calls for boycott until Apple unlocks shooter's phone \n", "\n", "Hope but also frustration for Iranians after sanctions lifted \n", "\n", "I get a headache thinking past 140 characters.\n", "\n", "One faction proclaimed Ali Mahdi Muhammad president , another Mohamed Farrah Aidid.\n", "\n", "[job interview]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"Tell me about yourself.\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I have a lot of experience.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"Great, can you elaborate?\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "They're bad experiences.\n", "\n", "mr. omel: you’re a good egg, kid\r", "\r", "\r\n", "omelette: thanks dad \n", "\n", "George Orwell died from tuberculosis, a disease since made preventable by a vaccine.\n", "\n", "How do you pronounce tomato? Is it tomato or tomato?\n", "\n", "After 2002 , Song continued to make guest appearances in American situation comedies such as That 's So Raven and One on One.\n", "\n", "Egypt migrant departures stir new concern in Europe \n", "\n", "Me: I'm looking for a book about scientific theory of time travel.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Librarian: Dude, you asked me this last week.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: No.. I didn't..\n", "\n", "I just opened up my wireless internet router and well looky here, a bunch of fucking wires\n", "\n", "Russia casts doubt on Syria ceasefire deal as army gains ground \n", "\n", "Man has his will, but woman has her way.\n", "\n", "Please show your support of dyslexics and TR this.\n", "\n", "Embedded systems control many devices in common use today.\n", "\n", "Nachos ALWAYS make my teeth sweat.\n", "\n", "The times with Christ in these days have been unusually sweet . ''\n", "\n", "When a recipe asks for crushed ice, I tell the cubes they'll never amount to anything.\n", "\n", "Pleasure Has A Sting In Its Tail\n", "\n", "Many other multinational companies like Caterpillar , DuPont , Take Two Interactive , Electronic Arts , INVISTA , Procter & Gamble and Sun Microsystems have their European headquarters in the city.\n", "\n", "You know why they call them potato chips? (hint: omit the \"c\")\n", "\n", "The sugar is sold under the Silver Spoon name.\n", "\n", "The name of this league later gave its name to the canton of Graubünden.\n", "\n", "Just had a mole removed from my penis. It's my own fault for shagging moles.\n", "\n", "Today , Hugo 's work continues to stimulate musicians to create new compositions.\n", "\n", "My local Balti house has a wardrobe that leads to a magical land. Naania.\n", "\n", "Death When It Comes Will Have No Denial\n", "\n", "He was one of the greatest contributors to the Great American Songbook.\n", "\n", "I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting. I often wonder what she's up to now.\n", "\n", "In November 2004 , Geronimo released her second album , Sweet Sixteen , with How Could You Say You Love Me as the first single.\n", "\n", "Using the major pentatonic scale is an easy way out of this problem.\n", "\n", "i souport publik edekashun.\n", "\n", "FYI: Condoms are cheaper than diapers.\n", "\n", "The worst thing depression does to you is it takes away your ability to appreciate anything good that exists. I have caring friends, a loving family, the best dog in the world, and a partner I love very much, and my brain doesn't let those facts give me dopamine. Bullshit.\n", "\n", "Ah yes, the main questions of journalism:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Who?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "When?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Where?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Why?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "What does some dipshit think?\n", "\n", "Who ever says \"words can't hurt you\" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.\n", "\n", "ME: Zoos can be a bummer, but at least they help stop climate change from wiping out endangered species.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "KEEPER: Yeah so get settled in I’ll be back to feed you at 6.\n", "\n", "What's the worst thing a mother can say to her child? I should have swallowed you when I had the chance!\n", "\n", "Listen to me, 2 weeks of the month I am a bodacious babe with an excellent personality. the next week I'm a million miles an hour AND insane. and on the fourth week I am 100% silent, 100% of the time. As a system it does not work\n", "\n", "Frozen sculptures look quite good, icy pose.\n", "\n", "I just bought a TV remote control with three buttons. I was surprised they let me pay with buttons.\n", "\n", "I've just won 10 million on the lottery and decided to buy my local Chinese takeaway called 'Happiness'.\r\n", "\r\n", "Your move, philosophers.\n", "\n", "Adams has won one AMA , and been nominated for three.\n", "\n", "The Cobbler's Wife Is The Worst Shod\n", "\n", "I don't drink alcohol for religious reasons. I drink it for other reasons.\n", "\n", "My husband wants to start going on family camping trips... we’ve had a good run.\n", "\n", " President Obama pledges support to Flint mayor over water disaster\n", "\n", "him: *cocks gun*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *vaginas sword*\n", "\n", "Trudeau, Canadian provinces set for tough climate change talks \n", "\n", "Three species live in fresh water rivers.\n", "\n", "The album combines the band 's first two EPs : Screaming Life and Fopp.\n", "\n", "The lower class of society would go to a place called `` hel '' , similar to life on earth.\n", "\n", "Greedy Folk Have Long Arms\n", "\n", "INTERVIEWER: It says here you can see into the future\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Right\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "INTERVIEWER: uhhh ok. next question, [points at shape on paper] what kind of triangle is this?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "INTERVIEWER: Oh my god\n", "\n", "The thing that interests me is that children are at the vanguard.\n", "\n", "I've just been told that a new belt and a new bag are not great Xmas presents by the wife! Even though her Hoover picks up superbly now..\n", "\n", "All Bread Is Not Baked In One Oven\n", "\n", "Genie: what is your first wish\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Joe: i want to be rich\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Genie: granted. and what is your second wish\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Rich: i want lots of money\n", "\n", "Is that a banana in your pocket or... oh wait that is a banana. Sir I'm with super market security. Please come with me.\n", "\n", "Chitons have a relatively good fossil record , stretching back to the Devonian.\n", "\n", "My neighbors loved the music so much when I turned it up, that they invited the police to listen.\n", "\n", "Today is definitely a three finger day.\n", "\n", "Monotheism is a gift from the gods.\n", "\n", "Thousands in Japan rally against U.S. base on Okinawa \n", "\n", "[first day as a cop]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: suspect is running nude through downtown\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dispatch: copy that\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *starts undressing*\n", "\n", "Haiti interim president appoints prime minister to help organize election \n", "\n", "Faust makes an arrangement with the devil : the devil will do everything that Faust wants while he is here on Earth , and in exchange Faust will serve the devil in Hell.\n", "\n", "I gave up sugar earlier this year, but sugar said it will never give up on me.\n", "\n", "Nevada Governor Sandoval does not want to be considered for high court: Reid aide\n", "\n", "Among other things , they eat Rafflesia fruit.\n", "\n", "do any girls in austin texas want to hang out\n", "\n", "An old lady at the bank asked if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.\n", "\n", "One way to classify jumping is by the manner of foot transfer.\n", "\n", "What does a Mexican cut his pizza with? Little Caesars\n", "\n", "David Cameron takes PMQs plus statement on EU reform negotiations \n", "\n", "Thoreau 's 1849 essay Civil Disobedience , originally titled `` Resistance to Civil Government '' , the driving idea behind the essay was that of self-reliance , and also how one is in morally good standing as long as one can `` get off another man 's back '' ; so one does not necessarily have to physically fight the government , but one must not support it or have it support one . This essay has had a wide influence on many later practitioners of civil disobedience.\n", "\n", "I remember 2015 like it was yesterday.\n", "\n", "The human body is basically flavored water\n", "\n", "Elvira comes to her window ..\n", "\n", "Repco is an Australian engineering company.\n", "\n", "wife: you’re really not coming to dinner with us \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: no \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: you’re just gonna sit there dressed like Rambo\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ʰᵒᵐᵉ ˢᵗᵃᶫᶫᵒᶰᵉ\n", "\n", "Hey, girl, are you Toys R Us? Cuz you used to be fun but now you’re just empty inside.\n", "\n", "Lawsuit by killer Breivik prompts soul-searching in Norway \n", "\n", "I’m trying to be more eco friendly, so I started recycling my tampon applicators.\n", "\n", "`` Give me the place to stand , and I shall move the earth . ''\n", "\n", "I learned the name Maruzen for the first time through LEMON.\n", "\n", "Conciliator Rouhani seeks gains for moderates in Iran polls \n", "\n", "Why did the mechanic sleep under the car? He wanted to get up oily in the morning.\n", "\n", "Irony: working for an aluminum company and getting canned.\n", "\n", "More than 4,400 U.S. flights were canceled, including virtually all travel into New York City airports\n", "\n", "The hash sign has two horizontal lines and two slanted lines , while the sharp sign has two vertical lines and two slanted lines.\n", "\n", "When you’re trying to watch tv but she’s already on her second bottle of wine\n", "\n", "Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.\\\n", "\n", "Me: [getting eaten by a shark] this is statistically unlikely\n", "\n", "Whoever invented knock knock jokes should win a no bell prize.\n", "\n", "BBC culture allowed star to commit sex crimes, but top staff unaware: report \n", "\n", "My wife wanted to be taken out somewhere expensive, so I took her to a petrol station.\n", "\n", "In the diagram to the left , the white pawn may capture either the black rook or the black knight.\n", "\n", "Household spending sustains UK growth in fourth quarter of 2015 \n", "\n", "*opens a six guys next door to a five guys*\n", "\n", "Thus a paper clip is a useful accessory in many kinds of mechanical work including computer work : the metal wire can be unfolded with a little force.\n", "\n", "Several dual citizens in Iran face espionage charges: official \n", "\n", "They have two sons : Julius Robert Bay Tapert and Judah Miro Tapert , both born in Auckland , New Zealand.\n", "\n", "Wife: Would you ever pay for a hooker?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I don’t even like spending more than $10 on a haircut\n", "\n", "GUY: What does it eat?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [falcon perched on shoulder] Updog\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*falcon starts break dancing*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Not yet Tyler, wait until he asks what it is\n", "\n", "I realized wrestling was fake when the undertaker who’s known as “the dead man” had to wear a knee brace\n", "\n", "Greece and lenders want to finish review by end-Feb \n", "\n", "Britain examining latest purported Islamic State video \n", "\n", "ME: Zoos can be a bummer, but at least they help stop climate change from wiping out endangered species.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "KEEPER: Yeah so get settled in I’ll be back to feed you at 6.\n", "\n", "i've never fucked Danny Devito but i'm still pretty damn sure i'd let him tear my ass apart you biphobic idiot\n", "\n", "My friend thinks he's smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.\n", "\n", "Syria opposition agrees to two-week truce: statement \n", "\n", "moon should be wearing the sunglasses. sun should not have the sunglasses. yet another thing i gotta fuckin deal with\n", "\n", "The officers warn that Billy may cause trouble , but Vere dismisses their fears and expresses his love for the men under his command.\n", "\n", "There are many types of door hinges.\n", "\n", "Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged\n", "\n", "For the first time in many years , Jason has no fame or reputation to rely on.\n", "\n", "It sold a record 2.4 million in its first week of release . An estimated 1.1 million of those sales were attributed to the first day of release , another record.\n", "\n", "It's fun to watch early seasons of Sesame Street, back when he was just called Cookie Man. Before the affliction overcame him.\n", "\n", "To Strain At A Gnat And Swallow A Camel\n", "\n", "Then they come across a forest where live the `` simple thing '' aliens.\n", "\n", "Sagwa is the name of a cat in the children 's book Sagwa , the Chinese Siamese Cat by author Amy Tan.\n", "\n", "He That Is Full Of Himself Is Very Empty\n", "\n", "CEOs, venture backers lose big as LinkedIn, Tableau shares tumble \n", "\n", "Doing Is Better Than Saying\n", "\n", "Forecasters initially predicted wind shear from an upper level low would prevent strengthening and cause dissipation within three days.\n", "\n", "A new character , Damas , is first introduced here.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between Sara Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only one retarded thing came out of her vagina.\n", "\n", "when i see other birds: creepy dinosaur things. disgusting.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "when i see a duck: [tips hat] fine weather we’re having, eh madam?\n", "\n", "Dürer may well have worked on some of these , as the work on the project began while he was with Wolgemut.\n", "\n", "Why don't black people get sunburned? Because most prisons are indoors.\n", "\n", "Its name comes from the Greek word akinos , the name of a small aromatic plant.\n", "\n", "Jakarta attack highlights jostle to lead Islamic State in Southeast Asia \n", "\n", "Officials fear stolen radioactive material could be used as a weapon if acquired by ISIS: \n", "\n", "Lu and Lian Hsiang have two children.\n", "\n", "Saudi Arabia says suspends $3 billion package to Lebanese army, aid to security forces \n", "\n", "sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes\n", "\n", "Why did Star Wars' episodes 1, 2 and 3 come after episodes 4, 5 and 6? Because Head of Planning Yoda was.\n", "\n", "What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologise.\n", "\n", "My mind is like lightning. Once I have an idea, it's brilliant, extraordinary, and lasts a fraction of a second.\n", "\n", "Want a girl to fall in love with you? Use a thesaurus for a replacement of those lane words like cute and beautiful . It's working for me!\n", "\n", "What did the rug say to the floor?Don't move, I've got you covered.\n", "\n", "It is done by proving that the first statement in the infinite sequence of statements is true , and then proving that if any one statement in the infinite sequence of statements is true , then so is the next one.\n", "\n", "How many ears does Spock have? Three: A right ear A left ear A final frontear. \n", "\n", "U.S. officials, touring missile defense site, voice concern about North Korea \n", "\n", "Toy Story (1995): haha Mr. Potato Head shaves by peeling off his plastic mustache!!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Toy Story 4: anything can be sentient, the mysteries of consciousness are vast\n", "\n", "Three of last four occupiers surrender at Oregon wildlife refuge \n", "\n", "I was walking down the road when I suddenly questioned. Who picks up a guide dog's shit?\n", "\n", "In reality , Act Five often ends up cycling back through Acts One through Four.\n", "\n", "Airbus chief says Brexit would not help its UK competitiveness: \n", "\n", "U.S. says working with Russia on aid flow, truce in Syria \n", "\n", "As its Valentines Day, the missus has said she'll go on top tonight for a change. I love our bunk beds!\n", "\n", "My wife was crying because the clothes in a +size catalogue wouldn't fit her. \"Don't let it get you down\" I said, \"you're bigger than that\".\n", "\n", "Dot Your I's And Cross Your T's\n", "\n", "She earned a Master 's Degree in Fine Arts after three years.\n", "\n", "A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. \r\n", "B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.\n", "\n", "A heat pump is a machine or device that moves heat from one location to another location using mechanical work.\n", "\n", "I made a kurt eichenwald rap\n", "\n", "Many old Syrian American families have lost their linguistic traditions due to the fact that many parents do not teach their children Arabic.\n", "\n", "Anti nuclear test agency urges nations to ratify ban \n", "\n", "Give 'Em Enough Rope is the second album by The Clash , released in 1978.\n", "\n", "Many Words Hurt More Than Swords\n", "\n", "my grandfather: i fought off wolves in the alaskan wilderness and had to stitch my own wounds with fishing line\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: there was someone standing near the mailbox so i'll just have to get the mail tomorrow\n", "\n", "DARTH VADER: I am your father\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "LUKE: Buy me some jeans then\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DV: *reluctantly hands over money* ...You better actually buy jeans with this\n", "\n", "Sorry I spent the first five hours of our vacation connecting everything to the wifi.\n", "\n", "I love eBay! I sold my homing pigeon eight times last month.\n", "\n", "Sometimes it’s not all about the jokes, folks. Sometimes it really IS a serious conversation about ham\n", "\n", "Don't Whistle (Halloo) Until You Are Out Of The Wood\n", "\n", "A Good Marksman May Miss\n", "\n", " Powerball payout hits $1.5 billion, world's largest ever for a single winner\n", "\n", "Hercules begins relating how the fire had vanished from the Earth and that Deianeira 's village needed fire , and how he got the fire back from Hera 's temple.\n", "\n", "I was recently on safari in the Serengeti and witnessed two male male lions shagging. I thought \"blimey, have they got no pride?\"\n", "\n", "Documentaries: Like real movies except with ugly people.\n", "\n", "It doesn’t matter what it is. If it glows in the dark, It's automatically cool.\n", "\n", "Maggie 's first lines were spoken in `` Good Night '' , the first short to air on The Tracey Ullman Show , after the family falls asleep.\n", "\n", "Do you own a piece of the gun industry without knowing it?\n", "\n", "Google is shuttering Google Compare: Wall Street Journal \n", "\n", "Colombia's FARC rebels will enter politics, seek alliances: leader \n", "\n", "yeah i been drinking.... drinking baja blast!!! haha\n", "\n", "me: *exists*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Republican men: no, not like that\n", "\n", "'Affluenza' teen back in Texas after being deported from Mexico \n", "\n", "Every Form 1 student has to learn to play at least 1 musical instrument.\n", "\n", "How do we know Christ wasn't born in Italy? There are no virgins and they couldn't find three wise men.\n", "\n", "I just gave a girl my number in roman numerals. If she can figure it out, she's worth a shot.\n", "\n", "It became common to wear white at home and one of gray , solid dark blue , or black on the road.\n", "\n", "Oil below $30 fans wipeout fears among U.S. shale survival artists \n", "\n", "Theremin invented another listening device called The Thing.\n", "\n", "I dont see the issue over whether prisoners get the right to\r\n", "Vote or not. Criminals get elected anyway.\n", "\n", "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid also won numerous British Academy Film Awards , including Best Film , Best Direction , Best Screenplay , Best Cinematography , Best Actor , and Best Actress for Katharine Ross , among others.\n", "\n", "every track on sausages\r", "\r", "\r\n", "the hannah soaked\r", "\r", "\r\n", "montana album in vodka\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " absolut bangers\n", "\n", "date: full moon tonight \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: the moon doesnt eat\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "date: no like-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: He doesn’t need nourishment. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "date: i know, i-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: the only thing He is ever hungry for is power\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "date: good god\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [taking her hand] and one day [she pulls away as my eyes begin to glow] He will have it\n", "\n", "Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.\n", "\n", "Volkswagen to offer generous compensation for U.S. customers: paper \n", "\n", "If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?\n", "\n", "Good girls Arent good. They just haven't gone bad yet.\n", "\n", "One guy asked another: \"Have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?\"\r\n", "His friend replied: \"No, but I've woken up with plenty.\"\n", "\n", "Left luggage , also luggage storage or bag storage , is a place where one can temporarily store one 's luggage so as to not have to carry it.\n", "\n", "Michigan Uber driver switched cars during deadly shooting rampage \n", "\n", "Threw the washing machine at the missus. Bosch!!\n", "\n", "Sucks that we really went with “selfie”\n", "\n", "Two sections of Lincoln Park Zoo have been set aside for children . The first is the Pritzker Family Children 's Zoo.\n", "\n", "me: dad, how do i make a girl like me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dad: treat her like a princess\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "{later}\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [executes her in a socialist revolution]\n", "\n", "Colombia's police chief resigns amid male sex ring probe \n", "\n", "I am starting my own bicycle style newspaper route, but instead of newspapers I will throw a goddamn delicious hoagie at your front door every morning.\n", "\n", "But in many other cultures , Monday is held to be the first day of the week.\n", "\n", "Texas executes man for murder of liquor store clerk \n", "\n", "The wife said she wanted to go and see Jeremy Kyle Live for her birthday. So I got her sister pregnant! We're on next Wednesday!\n", "\n", "I didn’t win the contest to name a newly discovered group of stars. I got a consolation constellation prize.\n", "\n", "The wife complains that I don't take any interest in our children. That's the last time I offer to pick up the fat one from school!\n", "\n", "Some of Charles 's illegitimate children were born before his marriage.\n", "\n", "The lines wouldn't meet until 2003.\n", "\n", "Did you hear that David Copperfield has aids now? Yea, he was doing Magic.\n", "\n", "Little Pigeons Can Carry Great Messages\n", "\n", "Waiter: Sorry about that guys but we did warn you it gets WILD in here. Anyway my names Rob can I start you with some Ultimate Nachos?\n", "\n", "Two years later , she persuaded Keenan to live with his father in Michigan.\n", "\n", "Everything else is exactly the same as.\n", "\n", "Me: I’m taking the dog for a you-know-what. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Husband: a w-a-l-k?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My dog:\n", "\n", "One Fire Drives Out Another\n", "\n", "We Soon Believe What We Desire\n", "\n", "I was in bed with a blind girl and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said, \"You're pulling my leg.\"\n", "\n", "Why didn't the teddy bear eat his dessert? Because he was stuffed.\n", "\n", "interviewer: how do you deal with high stress situations\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [remembering holding one of those vibrating pagers they give you at restaurants] mostly crying\n", "\n", "Arab, Kurdish forces to get more support to fight Islamic State: Hollande \n", "\n", "Knock, Knock. Who's there? Doughnut. Doughnut who? Doughnut ask, it's a secret.\n", "\n", "I really hate being a depressed atheist. Nothing to live for, nothing to die for.\n", "\n", "In Syrian war, a bigger role for Russian strategists \n", "\n", "TransCanada sues U.S. over Keystone XL pipeline rejection \n", "\n", "TO MY MANY ENEMIES: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "plz stop emailing my mom to ask her about my weaknesses. i have none and whatever she tells u is a lie\n", "\n", "All fields must be in lowercase.\n", "\n", "gf: you need to change\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [wearing a shirt that says \"i want to suck Danny's Devitoes\"] maybe society needs to change\n", "\n", "Somalia says bomb caused plane blast \n", "\n", "Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I'm 17\n", "\n", "In Aleppo, underground schools face bombardments and burnout \n", "\n", "Their snout morphology is ideally suited for piscivory ; their long , narrow snouts offer very little resistance to water in swiping motions to snap up fish in the water.\n", "\n", "I asked 100 women \"What shampoo do you use whilst showering?\" 98% of them asked me to get out of the shower.\n", "\n", "15,000 hunters are registered in the departments , 3,000 to 4,000 of whom hunt in the Dombes , one of the best hunting regions for water birds in France.\n", "\n", "Stuff Today And Starve Tomorrow\n", "\n", "In The Evening One May Praise The Day\n", "\n", "U.S. & India consider joint patrols in South China Sea - U.S. official - \n", "\n", "Islamic State tightens grip on Syrian government road to Aleppo \n", "\n", "What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it would be the arrr but it's really the sea.\n", "\n", "Cliff is eleven years old and the oldest of six children in his family who live in Ballingsford.\n", "\n", "Vote for your champion to determine who wins the battle:\n", "\n", "\"Cold...so cold...getting dark...I'm not..going...to make it. Tell my husband...I love...d hating The Doors. Just...the worst...so awful...\"\n", "\n", "Many of the largest known primes today are generalized Fermat primes.\n", "\n", "Cameron defends Britain's desire for sovereignty before EU summit \n", "\n", "\"My friend made it. I have no idea why she did it.\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Introducing: The clam chowder popsicle. https://soo.nr/iVEq \n", "\n", "They have a nine-month gestation period , and one or two fawns are born at a time.\n", "\n", "Pro-government forces seize camp outside Yemen capital \n", "\n", "I'd put more jokes about sex on here but I don't know much about it. I'm a married man.\n", "\n", "In the 1980s , the club had one of the best teams in Spain and Europe , winning two UEFA Cups , five consecutive Spanish championships , one Spanish cup and three Spanish Super Cups.\n", "\n", "Filderstadt is located next to the Stuttgart Airport and the new land fair.\n", "\n", "I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a 'proper' present.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the terrible accident at Spaghetti Junction? Twelve people were injured, and three pastaway.\n", "\n", "Yahoo to shut Argentina and Mexico offices \n", "\n", "I had to pretend to be shocked while watching Black Mirror with my wife, even though when me and the boys used to play Tekken, the loser had to suck the winner's dick.\n", "\n", "Fall from grace: Philippines' Pacquiao faces vote boycott for anti-gay comments \n", "\n", "Palestinian teens stab, kill Israeli in West Bank supermarket \n", "\n", "In all albatross species , both parents incubate the egg in stints that last between one day and three weeks.\n", "\n", " Still neck and neck for Trump and Cruz with 41% of precincts in. Rubio close behind \n", "\n", "Banadian goose\n", "\n", "The Spy Kids are given gushers filled with cyanide to take in case their mission gets compromised\n", "\n", "The wavelet transform is also easy to put into practice using the fast wavelet transform.\n", "\n", "State Dept. subpoenaed documents from Clinton Foundation: report \n", "\n", "UK to spray insecticide inside planes from Zika-affected regions: \n", "\n", "There are two other families of pitcher plants , but both contain just one or two carnivorous species.\n", "\n", "Utah is a great geographical tourism site.\n", "\n", "At least 14 dead as missiles hit hospital and school sheltering refugees in Azaz, Syria, medics and residents say\n", "\n", "What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? Your missus will blow your bonus!\n", "\n", "To all the day mode haters, have you considered that maybe night mode is too spooky for some of us? Check your privilege.\n", "\n", "On his homepage , Gerber describes Trotter as an unpleasant character who `` drinks too much , eats like a pig , sleeps until noon , and owes everybody money . ''\n", "\n", "??? u flush them and the attendant makes u a new one what kind of backwards bathrooms dont have a coatflush?\n", "\n", "Barclays Africa plays down impact of possible parent company exit: \n", "\n", "Indebted: when you use your visa to pay off your MasterCard.\n", "\n", "E-void: the use of technology to avoid human contact.\n", "\n", "Macy's to cut jobs, shut stores amid weak holiday sales \n", "\n", "Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.\n", "\n", "What's the the key to telling an ISIS joke? The execution.\n", "\n", "Turkey vows 'harsh reaction' as missiles hit Syria town \n", "\n", "The entire United States did not finally come under the influence of time zones until 1905 , when Detroit finally established standard time.\n", "\n", "Sorry followers for being gone--Sorry I look so beat up. But, you see, the economy bounced back and I was standing in the way.\n", "\n", "What the best cheese to hide a horse with? Mascarpone.\n", "\n", "Maryland officer jailed for putting gun to man's head: report \n", "\n", "At least 48 killed in attacks in Iraqi capital, eastern town \n", "\n", "Some annoying guy in the pub was shouting that he couldn't understand how to get outside. Needless to say, they showed him the door!\n", "\n", "German soldiers would call out to `` Tommy '' across no man 's land if they wished to speak to a British soldier.\n", "\n", "Can you die from sitting on the floor playing with your dog, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you could die from it.\n", "\n", "The wings of bats are much thinner than those of birds , so bats can maneuver more quickly and more accurately than birds.\n", "\n", "Saudia airlines says bomb threat on Madrid-Riyadh flight is a hoax \n", "\n", "me: can you pass the figs \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "people who say gif wrong: you mean fijjes\n", "\n", "He was born in May 1902 into a prominent Karachi family.\n", "\n", "The lists are used in rotating order without regard to year ; the first name for a new year is the next name that was not used the previous year.\n", "\n", "The Last Straw Breaks The Camel's Back\n", "\n", "Me: I'm 29, I'm not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.\n", "\n", "Ottavio , not convinced , determines to keep an eye on his friend.\n", "\n", "Just remembered when I was at school one of my friends told me that Hollywood make unrated cuts of all family films and that he saw a version of ET where he kills all the kids and gets a blowjob off the mum. He said he had it on VHS but couldn't show anyone.\n", "\n", "The foundations of this early fortress remain.\n", "\n", "European shares extend losses, commodities-related stocks weigh: \n", "\n", "Person: *talks during a movie*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: why are you ruining my life\n", "\n", "First Leicester is the trading name of Leicester Citybus Ltd. , a bus company owned by the First Group.\n", "\n", "Why did President Kennedy never get drunk? He wasn't very good at taking shots.\n", "\n", "kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it\n", "\n", "Toyota recalling 2.9 million vehicles globally over seatbelt issue \n", "\n", "It has six rows of black spines and has a pair of long , clubbed spines on the head.\n", "\n", "park ranger: what makes you want to work with us \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: it’s a family tradition check out my references \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "park ranger: ok *reading resume* there is no way your uncle is-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "secretary: [bursts into the room] sorry sir but the Grand Canyon is on the phone for his nephew\n", "\n", "They were the first extraterrestrial species officially to make first contact with Humans , and later became one of the founding members of the United Federation of Planets.\n", "\n", "\"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital.\" \"Bob, you've been a doctor for 8 years now, stop starting every call we have with that.\"\n", "\n", "On his return home , Airoldi attempted many times to beat the record of Spiridon Louis without ever succeeding.\n", "\n", "Everything will be okay.\n", "\n", "Pharmacist: Viagra for Bryan! Spelled B-R-Y-A-N! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bryan: Geez, don’t embarrass me like that. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Pharmacist: Oh sorry. Viagra for Brian, spelled the normal way!\n", "\n", "Me: please just one more wish\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Genie: no, I said 3\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: please\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Genie: no\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please\n", "\n", "Canada stops sharing some spy info with allies after breach \n", "\n", "What's the difference between a joke and two dicks? You can't take a joke.\n", "\n", "Deja Moo--Feeling like you've heard this Bull Crap before.\n", "\n", "As Ellis says , we are to speak Jesus ' words , think his thoughts , and do his deeds.\n", "\n", "He is best known for his time spent with Extreme Championship Wrestling and World Wrestling Entertainment where he was a fourteen time Hardcore Champion and a two time ECW Champion.\n", "\n", "The European honey bee or western honey bee is a species of honey bee.\n", "\n", "They had no children.\n", "\n", "Cut the skin around a knuckle, pop the finger out of the joint, and pull out the meat like a crab's leg.\n", "\n", "wife’s friend: is brent still trying to make his own moisturizer?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife lying for me even tho the entire house smells of vitamin E: no no\n", "\n", "If the three samples are mostly zero , the transmitted bit was probably a zero , and if three samples are mostly one , the transmitted bit was probably a one.\n", "\n", "DNA samples would be required when pet licenses come up for renewal.\n", "\n", "Some people (not me) are very moron.\n", "\n", "The first and second sneeze warrants a “bless you”. Anything after that gets you an eye roll and “grow up”.\n", "\n", "To Call Off The Dogs\n", "\n", "Apparently David Hasselhoff is changing his name to David Hoff. He can't be arsed with the Hassel anymore.\n", "\n", "France to recognize Palestinian state if deadlock with Israel not broken \n", "\n", "Islamic State video turns British attention to banned group: \n", "\n", "Where do you find a zebra? 25 letters after A, bra.\n", "\n", "ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "BOSS: no, you’re just \r", "\r", "\r\n", "terrible at this job\n", "\n", "The nucleus of tritium contains one proton and two neutrons , whereas the nucleus of protium contains one proton and no neutrons.\n", "\n", "アメリカンジョークが上手なトロピカルカクテル\n", "\n", "Whisenhunt 's Cardinals lost the game 27-23.\n", "\n", "Martin Luther King Day: A day for all us white people to be embarrassed by our ancestors.\n", "\n", "Guy: hey john \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: [forgot his name but don’t wanna be rude and ask for it] sup bitch\n", "\n", "It was named after Kore , another name for the Greek goddess Persephone.\n", "\n", "why dont vampires bite divorced MEN? beccause they have already been drained dry..\n", "\n", "hiring manager: well that about wraps up the interview. anything else you'd like to let me know?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me:\n", "\n", "Chaplin received three Oscars in his lifetime : one for Best Original Score , one Honorary Award , and one Special Award.\n", "\n", "Fed keeps interest rates steady, closely watching global markets: \n", "\n", "I went to the local zoo but all that they had was one small dog. It was a Shih Tzu.\n", "\n", "What's black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.\n", "\n", "Protests around U.S. support New York officer convicted in shooting: reports \n", "\n", "eating an edible for dinner. might wash it down with a glass of drinkable. after that? a little breathable might be nice but i’m not greedy\n", "\n", "A few nights later , the group met again `` just to drop a ton of money , drink too much wine , eat steaks , and commiserate about our failed relationships ''.\n", "\n", "He was born in Brooklyn , New York and has lived in Los Angeles , California since he was 2 years old.\n", "\n", "Stages of breakup\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "1. Breakup\r", "\r", "\r\n", "2. Drink yourself stupid\r", "\r", "\r\n", "3. Text him \r", "\r", "\r\n", "4. Text him again, maybe a slutty picture\r", "\r", "\r\n", "6. Call him\r", "\r", "\r\n", "7.\n", "\n", "[three weird tweets through which I attempt to bring people joy followed by a rt about genocide]\n", "\n", "An Ass Loaded With Gold Climbs To The Top Of The Castle\n", "\n", "The first recorded use of salmon as a color name in English was in 1776.\n", "\n", "Flooding and winds could be worse than Hurricane Sandy: Wildwood, NJ's emergency management coordinator, reports Mary Wisniewski\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the elf that got pick-pocketed? How could anyone stoop so low?\n", "\n", "Who up and want to tell me their fav pasta shape?\n", "\n", "The smallest field has two elements.\n", "\n", "new video about the stupidest ways you can save money, featuring an 8 minute video of my subscribers crying at the end. https://youtu.be/xMscX6Thgx0 \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "if you're in the video reply to this tweet with a screenshot\n", "\n", "Every guy gets a crush on his teacher. It's normal. But wasn't Oedipus homeschooled?\n", "\n", "Are you an introvert? See those ants in your kitchen? Follow them home, observe their underground fortress, build your own, sneak into peoples kitchens, lick soy sauce off the ground, return to your underground residence —you’re an ant now you don’t have to fucking talk to anyone\n", "\n", "U.S. detects activity in North Korea suggesting plans toward space launch\n", "\n", "And then J.K. Rowling wrote, \"And Harry woke up from his long, long dream\"\n", "\n", "Freed Washington Post journalist Rezaian headed to U.S. - \n", "\n", "Iran's Guards say U.S. sailors will probably be released: Tasnim \n", "\n", "Most people don’t know this, but the full phrase is actually ‘Live, Laugh, Love, Fire an Enemy into the Sun on a Homemade Rocket’.\n", "\n", "Syrian rebels demand U.S. action ahead of peace talks: \n", "\n", "Never Fry A Fish Till It's Caught\n", "\n", "Sunny D tastes like the tears of a kid who just wanted real orange juice.\n", "\n", "wife: are you awake? I had the craziest dream we were at my parent's house but it wasn't my parent's house, it was an Olive Garden there was a girl, you remember Christina? but her hair was spaghetti and...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me:\n", "\n", "Did I ever post my Alzheimer's joke? I don't remember\n", "\n", "Why do you never tease a fat girl with lisp? Because she's thick and tired of it.\n", "\n", "Mediterranean deaths soar as people-smugglers get crueler: IOM \n", "\n", "Lawyer sees possible parallels in deaths of two Russians in UK exile \n", "\n", "Venezuela top court grants Maduro economic emergency powers, opposition cries foul \n", "\n", "guy peeing a few urinals down: *nods*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *starts and stops at each urinal as i crab walk my way next to him* whats your name\n", "\n", "New York at a standstill \n", "\n", "Mega deals announced as Iranian president travels to Italy: \n", "\n", "No drop in asylum seekers reaching Germany, Berlin says \n", "\n", "Two soundtrack albums were released , with the second coming after the first one 's massive success.\n", "\n", "It is home to the Big Merino , the world 's largest cement sheep.\n", "\n", "Pentagon chief says Turkey could do more in fight against IS \n", "\n", "Duck Hunt was one of the two original pack-in titles for the first release of the game system.\n", "\n", "Hurricane David was the first male cyclone name in the Atlantic Basin to be retired.\n", "\n", "I have the attention of a goldfish. It's been staring at me for a few minutes now.\n", "\n", "He was a man of short stature , thus his name.\n", "\n", "Instant Messaging may be done in a Friend-to-friend network , in which each node connects to the friends on the friends list.\n" ] }, { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "\n", "What's the definition of endless love? Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis\n", "\n", "Apple files arguments in court opposing FBI iPhone request \n", "\n", "By the end of the 19th century , teams began the practice of wearing one of two different uniforms , one when they played in their own baseball stadium and a different one when they played on the road.\n", "\n", "Shamlou decides to leave school for good.\n", "\n", "Ex-drug executive Shkreli has $40 million trading loss: U.S. - \n", "\n", "The Hawaiian Islands have many craters that were formed by volcanoes. You might say that the islands are full of ash holes.\n", "\n", "Chinese investor bidding for Philips lighting division: Bloomberg \n", "\n", "How do you make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eye.\n", "\n", "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.\n", "\n", "She was a breath of fresh air, the first day of all of your summers.\n", "\n", "Rousseff campaign chief Santana surrenders to Brazilian police: \n", "\n", "Accidentally took a melatonin with my coffee and this is what the world looks like\n", "\n", "She could read and write a little but was much better at needlework and household management , which were considered much more necessary for women.\n", "\n", "Mary Rose sat on a nail Mary rose.\n", "\n", "[Nature documentary]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Narrator: The average penguin typically reaches one metre in height.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: SHEILA! Remember that penguin we hit outside the convent?\n", "\n", "Just been threatened by my housemate for stealing his clothes. I nearly shit his pants.\n", "\n", "Australian Scott wins Honda Classic by one shot \n", "\n", "From the latter half of the 1980s and into 1990s came Monkey Shines , about a killer helper monkey , Two Evil Eyes , an Edgar Allan Poe adaptation in collaboration with Dario Argento , the Stephen King adaptation The Dark Half and Bruiser , about a man whose face becomes a blank mask.\n", "\n", "Harry Potter to appear back in bookstores - not a magical illusion, but a script: \n", "\n", "What do ya call a woman who throws all her bills on the fire? Bernadette\n", "\n", "i spilled coffee all over myself in my therapists waiting room which is nice bc it actually saves me my opening line of “i’m not doing so hot”\n", "\n", "There's 364 more days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.\n", "\n", "It is like a person who can not walk without legs although he has eyes , and who can not see without eyes although he has legs.\n", "\n", "There are four flamingo species in the Americas and two species in the Old World.\n", "\n", "Why do so many people on Facebook take pictures of their mirrors?\n", "\n", "Oh jeez, it happened. You guys wanna meet up for a bite first, or just, like, get it over with and eat after?\n", "\n", "[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious\n", "\n", "Foundation is a foundation for children with and without disabilities.\n", "\n", "The novelist Matteo Bandello observed Leonardo at work and wrote that some days he would paint from dawn till dusk without stopping to eat , and then not paint for three or four days at a time.\n", "\n", "Sorry for the lack of updates. Will continue in the next couple of days\n", "\n", "Sandy has starred in many theatrical productions , including the one man show Full Committed , in which he played 40 characters.\n", "\n", "Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up.\n", "\n", "Bank of England to head back to the sidelines as global growth slows \n", "\n", "I met a girl with 12 nipples today. Sounds fun, Dozen tit?\n", "\n", "Me: *proudly* I've lost a lot of weight.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Nephew: Oh cool. What size bra do you wear now?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Nephew:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Is this really how you wanna find out you were adopted?\n", "\n", "I hate when I forget to not remember\n", "\n", "However , he admits that like many models of the origin of life , his own also has its shortcomings.\n", "\n", "Man jumps in a taxi says \"King Arthur's Close\". Taxi driver says \"Don't worry I'll lose him at the lights\".\n", "\n", "Some people call me the snacks cowboy\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Some call me the gangster of fudge\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Some people call me ‘more eats’\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Melting cheese into a tasty queso sludge\n", "\n", "I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night. The loud beeping was giving me a headache and made me feel dizzy\n", "\n", "Keep death off the roads. Drive on the pavement.\n", "\n", "Instruction can take place in Afrikaans as well.\n", "\n", "interviewer: alright do you have any questions for me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: have you seen megamind\n", "\n", "Parmesan bonds replace bank loans in Italy\n", "\n", "The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good\n", "\n", "I was gonna do nothing today, but then I realized I hadn't finished doing it yesterday.\n", "\n", "The empty string is still a string upon which string operations may be attempted.\n", "\n", "The new term sometimes used is DVDP.\n", "\n", "How do you know an Asian broke into your home? Your dog has been eaten, math homework's done, and he's still trying to leave your driveway.\n", "\n", "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, \r", "\r", "\r\n", "than are dreamt of in your philosophy. You goofknocker, you chode, you absolute clod\n", "\n", "fuck the glorification of skinniness for women. being strong is so much more fun. I’m tryna gain 10 lbs and get fucken ripped. I wanna squat more than my male friends. I wanna punch a bear and live\n", "\n", "Jakarta attack highlights jostle to lead Islamic State in SE Asia \n", "\n", "I want to thank you all for coming to the service for our friend kelsey. first off *looks from casket to her parents* I wanna apologize for thinking I could do her hair and makeup\n", "\n", "To Love Somebody (Something) As The Devil Loves Holy Water\n", "\n", "People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys. Last year they consumed 72,400 bananas and only 4 monkeys.\n", "\n", "She-Ra is short for sheared rabbit\n", "\n", "Under fire by investors, Yahoo takes steps for possible sale\n", "\n", "Yo mama is so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth.\n", "\n", "Polish president Duda says Russia fomenting new Cold War \n", "\n", "Doctor: \"The best thing you can do is give up drinking and smoking and eat healthy foods.\" \r\n", "Patient: \"What's the second best thing?\"\n", "\n", "ME:(storming the beaches of Normandy) Did anyone bring sun block?\n", "\n", "Calorie counting app: What did you eat?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: A salad\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Calorie counting app [holding a knife]: Don't you freaking lie to me\n", "\n", "The Boohbahs do not speak , but instead make noises like squeaks , squeals , and clicks.\n", "\n", "This has to be stopped. It cannot be allowed to continue. It is barbaric cruelty. Senseless torture. No animal should ever go through that much pain and suffering for the delectation of human beings. This must not be allowed to continue. Please spread the word. Please help.\n", "\n", "Why was the orphan so successful? When they told him \"go big or go home\", he only had one option.\n", "\n", "China urges United States, North Korea to hold direct talks: \n", "\n", "I have some questions about Machop/Machoke\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "1. Where does the underwear come from? Does it just appear or do trainers have to buy some and help the Machoke put them on?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "2. The underwear implies covering up a dick. Why does Machop grow a dick\n", "\n", "One way of visualizing optical depth is to think of a fog.\n", "\n", "Made a list of classes more helpful than algebra: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "starting a new roll of tape class\r", "\r", "\r\n", "filing taxes class\r", "\r", "\r\n", "saying “no” class\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dishwasher loading class\r", "\r", "\r\n", "choosing a candidate class\r", "\r", "\r\n", "animal husbandry\n", "\n", "Yo mama is so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.\n", "\n", "[who wants to be a millionaire]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "host: would you like to phone a friend\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [having a panic attack] can't i just text them instead\n", "\n", "What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say about the baritone? It's not a tuba.\n", "\n", "My dog just chased some kid on a bike, I had no idea my dog could even ride a bike.\n", "\n", "Top U.S. economy forecaster holds steely confidence in job market: Reuters poll - \n", "\n", "[at a party]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?\n", "\n", "Brooklyn company flooded with orders for Bernie Sanders action figure\n", "\n", "[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb] \r", "\r", "\r\n", "For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother's kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[Hurried scrolling]\n", "\n", "What is Michael Jackson's favorite note? F minor. \n", "\n", "Syrian Observatory says 38 killed in U.S.-led strikes in Hasaka over 48 hours \n", "\n", "What do scientists and vegetables have in common? Stephen Hawking\n", "\n", "Did you ever noticed the word 'bed' actually looks like one?\n", "\n", "Merkel says implementation of EU-Turkey deal 'urgent' \n", "\n", "U.N. Security Council creates mission to verify Colombia peace deal \n", "\n", "The prosecution indicated it would not appeal.\n", "\n", "As the home of the sauna , Finnish sauna culture is well established , there are built-in-sauna in almost every house in Finland.\n", "\n", "Lisa , upon seeing what Homer must go through to pay for the pony , decides to give it away.\n", "\n", "Jordan needs international help over refugee crisis: King Abdullah \n", "\n", "My pencil isn't prone to making Freudian Slips, but my penis.\n", "\n", "Mill argues that society should never use coercion to subdue an individual as long as he or she does not harm others.\n", "\n", "One edition of his correspondence fills three volumes.\n", "\n", "Who's the coolest guy at the hospital? The ultrasound guy.\n", "\n", " U.S. indexes pare earlier losses, Dow Jones and S&P 500 close down more than 1.5 percent, Nasdaq sheds more than 2 percent\n", "\n", "Poland unlikely to send troops to fight Islamic State: report \n", "\n", "\"Knock Knock.\" \"Who's there?\" \"It's the police, sir.\" \"You'll have to wait, I'm having a shit.\" \"We know, sir, the phone booth has glass sides.\"\n", "\n", "Someone who makes bows is known as a bowyer , and one who makes arrows is a fletcher.\n", "\n", "Traces of gold were discovered in 1851 and lead and silver mines also flourished briefly.\n", "\n", "[Dentist waiting room]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Other patients: teeth, TEETH\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!\n", "\n", "I have Tool window stickers older than you.\n", "\n", "Car bomb at Yemeni presidential palace in Aden kills seven: officials \n", "\n", "In climate it is similar to the neighbouring Burgenland wine region in Austria , and several winemakers make wine in both countries.\n", "\n", "Santa has the right idea.. Visit people once a year.\n", "\n", "The first school was established in 1857.\n", "\n", "Many A Good Cow Has A Bad Calf\n", "\n", "When my friend starts in with \"oh hey did I tell you-\" right during the best part of the movie\n", "\n", "herman melville: i've finally finished my novel, moby penis\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "editor: can we talk about the title\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "herman melville: it's now moby dick and if i hear one more word it will be moby cock\n", "\n", "It is a tributary of the Connecticut River , which flows to Long Island Sound.\n", "\n", "UK energy watchdog starts probe of E.ON-Age UK partnership \n", "\n", "Many teenagers find their first employment in grocery stores.\n", "\n", "This next one goes out to the one I love\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*endless screaming*\n", "\n", "Fair Without, Foul (False) Within\n", "\n", "Me: *fighting back tears, but physically, and with nunchucks*\n", "\n", "Marquette has two sister cities.\n", "\n", "He never married , although his two daughters by Sarah Danby were born in 1801 and 1811.\n", "\n", "Twitter pokes fun at North Korea's H-bomb claim: \n", "\n", "Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.\n", "\n", "Pound for pound I'm the best fighter in this Yankee Candle shop.\n", "\n", "Lunch food varies . In some places , one eats similar things both at lunch and at supper - a hot meal , sometimes with more than one course.\n", "\n", "I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.\n", "\n", "The elements are rotated every two years while a yin and yang association alternates every year.\n", "\n", "The region has much reddish sandstone , which may have given rise to the name `` Edom ''.\n", "\n", "Central Africans head to polls to vote for peace \n", "\n", "China cites concerns on U.S. missile defense system in South Korea \n", "\n", "The Nintendo 64 turned 18 last month, which means you can now legally blow the cartridges\n", "\n", "I’m not trying to seduce you.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher? She couldn't control her pupils.\n", "\n", "two men drinking increasingly bitter IPAs to outdo one another until one eventually dies\n", "\n", "Nepal's crisis drags on as ethnic minorities reject charter amendment \n", "\n", "For examples see.\n", "\n", "Baseball's Zimmerman, Howard sue Al Jazeera over doping report \n", "\n", "He was well-known for providing an education to the children under his care , to the point where he was accused of raising the poor above their natural station in life.\n", "\n", "We are halfway through 2019, and I’ve still not the faintest idea what a “yeet” is.\n", "\n", "U.S.-led coalition sees fewer fighters, lower pay in Islamic State \n", "\n", "I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.\n", "\n", "Why are 490 Romans funny? Because XD\n", "\n", "In 1923 , Tailleferre began to spend a great deal of time with Maurice Ravel at his home in Monfort-L'Amaury.\n", "\n", "The Milky Way and the Andromeda Galaxy are the two brightest galaxies within the group ; many of the other member galaxies are dwarf companions of these two galaxies.\n", "\n", "Apple European headquarters evacuated over security alert \n", "\n", "The best person for the job is the one who understands it well enough not to want it.\n", "\n", "KURT COBAIN: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "a bermuda! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "a bahama! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "here we are now! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "pretty mama!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "yeah\n", "\n", "Pocket Man married Organic Lass in the first LNH wedding.\n", "\n", "A sandwhich walks into a bar and the bartender says sorry buddy white breads only.\n", "\n", "for every big studio tweet you do, you get 3 or 4 little arthouse ones for you.....\n", "\n", "Hopped on the bus this morning, people were looking at me funny, so I decided to get in and sit down.\n", "\n", "This is a tweet about an article about a bunch of tweets.\n", "\n", "warning: if you piss me off, i will walk quietly through a field of wildflowers\n", "\n", "Thousands of people are protesting in Moldova after new PM is hastily sworn in at midnight: \n", "\n", "Charity Begins At Home\n", "\n", "New York was managed by Miller Huggins.\n", "\n", "Consecutive holidays refers to holidays that occur in a group without working days in between.\n", "\n", "hy was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering A minor.\n", "\n", "Trains run every 10 minutes to Woolwich Arsenal.\n", "\n", "Little is known for certain of Josquin 's early life.\n", "\n", "I wont jump in front of a bullet for anyone. Because if I have time to jump in front, you have time to move.\n", "\n", "He That Comes First To The Hill May Sit Where He Will\n", "\n", "[calling psychic to setup an appt even tho I’m skeptical]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "psychic: hello would you like to setup an appt?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[still very skeptical but impressed none the less]\n", "\n", "Oh you're upset about a thing? Well, would you be mad if the situation were different in a way I designed in my head just for this argument?\n", "\n", "School shooting reported in Saskatchewan, Canada: CBC \n", "\n", "What do you call an angry German? A sour kraut.\n", "\n", "The Báb was 30 years old.\n", "\n", "Malaysia says Islamic State threat \"very real\" as video warns of attacks \n", "\n", "U.S. urges China's Xi to extend non-militarization pledge to all of South China Sea \n", "\n", "Dr. Katie Bouman developed the algorithm that captured the first image of a black hole. Meanwhile, I just choked on my own saliva.\n", "\n", "Cruz beats Trump in Iowa Caucus and Clinton still holds slim lead over Sanders. The latest: \n", "\n", "A guy walks into a bar and says \"ow\"\n", "\n", "Britain's BT suffers widespread network problems \n", "\n", "Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20\n", "\n", "They sit facing one another , with the student copying the master.\n", "\n", "White Stone is a town in Lancaster County , Virginia , United States.\n", "\n", "Why is Darth Vader so famous? He was the first black man to admit he is the father. \n", "\n", "I know I tweet about Pokémon blue a lot but remember this bitch who was willing to tell some strange child who just walked into her home that her daughter is self centered without being prompted\n", "\n", "Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are\n", "\n", "Gimlet had a talent show, this is my talent\n", "\n", "The old building was largely destroyed by fire in February of 1939.\n", "\n", "An ice cream seller was today found on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands. Police said he topped himself.\n", "\n", "When I get home late from the pub.I'm going to give my wife a right good listening to.\n", "\n", "It's No Use Pumping A Dry Well\n", "\n", "Most Americans support Obama's contested immigration plan: Reuters/Ipsos \n", "\n", "Twitter user growth stalls in fourth quarter \n", "\n", "Oregon occupation leader rejects sheriff's bid to end standoff \n", "\n", "When i grow older, I want to be a couple with my wife.. Not a couple of parents.\n", "\n", "When does 1+1=3? When you don't use a condom.\n", "\n", "Spanish royals knew my business, princess's husband tells court \n", "\n", "Never have a tactical wank before sex! Trust me, I learned that the soft way.\n", "\n", "U.N. praises Somalia deal on model for electoral process \n", "\n", "An alternative but related hypothesis , proposed to explain the presence of life on Earth so soon after the planet had cooled down , with apparently very little time for prebiotic evolution , is that life formed first on early Mars.\n", "\n", "In early 1988 , Balukas gave in to complaints from the men upon her entry to a Chicago based tournament that it wasn't fair she should have the opportunity to play in both divisions when the men only had the opportunity to play in one , and withdrew from the men 's side.\n", "\n", "If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?\n", "\n", "Britain's pro-EU campaign predicts big victory in vote \n", "\n", "If it's till death do us part, we are all single in heaven right?\n", "\n", "What did the debater say after getting stabbed during an argument? Good point\n", "\n", "A woman met a man walking along the street wearing only one shoe. 'Just lost a shoe?' she asked. He answered, 'Nope, just found one'.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.\n", "\n", "Yes \n", "\n", "His habilitation work was entitled.\n", "\n", "My wife has left me, she says I love football more than I love her. I'm gutted, we've been together ten seasons!\n", "\n", "SpaceX postpones Falcon rocket launch for second day: \n", "\n", "I hate being bipolar. It is awesome.\n", "\n", "UK construction growth at ten-month low, housebuilding weak: \n", "\n", "Whiteboards are remarkable...\n", "\n", "I hate Lay's for selling me air in a bag with a little bit of chips.\n", "\n", " I....had....the time of my life, till that cliff nearly took my wife\n", "\n", "Why did the guy have Ben Franklin tattooed on his penis? His girlfriend was great at blowing 100 bucks.\n", "\n", "ME: what's a haiku?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "PROFESSOR: five, seven, five\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: got it thank you\n", "\n", "me *driving past the apocalypse*: Horses\n", "\n", "Portals are also largely inter-accessible with users able to navigate from one portal to another.\n", "\n", "My wife asked me to pass the lip balm, but I gave her the superglue instead. She's not talking to me now.\n", "\n", "He that shall be found guilty of taking up any Unlawful Weapon on Board the Privateer or any other prize by us taken , so as to Strike or Abuse one another in any regard , shall suffer what Punishment the Captain and the Majority of the Company shall see fit.\n", "\n", "The name comes from `` West men '' , referring to the people west of Uppland , the core province of early Sweden.\n", "\n", "Apple shares drop below $100 for first time since August: $AAPL \n", "\n", "A suicide bomber says to his apprentice: \"Watch carefully I can only do this once!\"\n", "\n", "Pour Sriracha and Drano into your worst paper cut. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Now imagine that paper cut talking incessantly about its gluten allergy.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Meet my neighbor.\n", "\n", "IT SHOULD EITHER BE: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "RESS DRESS FOR LESS\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "OR\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ROSS DROSS FOR LOSS\n", "\n", "All but two of Clancy 's novels feature Jack Ryan or John Clark.\n", "\n", "Wall Street has room to bounce back despite the testing start to the year: \n", "\n", "In his youth , Hugo resolved to be `` Chateaubriand or nothing , '' and his life would come to parallel that of his predecessor in many ways.\n", "\n", "Frenchman Jean-Claude Killy won three gold medals in all the alpine skiing events.\n", "\n", "This situation may be likened to two people who are drawing diagrams , with only one pencil and one ruler between them.\n", "\n", "murderer: run if you want to live\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *starts sprinting*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "murderer: not like toward me tho\n", "\n", "That side included Stone Cold , a man Angle claimed knew how to win.\n", "\n", "He was one of the first Patriots to advocate complete independence from Britain.\n", "\n", "I took one second of video every day for the month of May. Here they all are.\n", "\n", "Do you ever get the feeling you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop.\n", "\n", "People who review things for a living eventually run out of adjectives and have to start saying shit like \"it has no soul\" about a bowl of noodles or whatever.\n", "\n", "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta\n", "\n", "As Plain As Two And Two Make Four\n", "\n", "I didn't like the food on my flight home. It was too plane.\n", "\n", "as a boy, Hans Christian Andersen used to flirt with girls by telling them he was secretly a faerie changeling and would offer them jobs as dairy maids in the castle he would one day own, and this is the level of confidence I aspire to in my dating life.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.\n", "\n", "The name comes from French , meaning Big Island.\n", "\n", "ME: revise my plea? Why?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "JUDGE: read it back\r", "\r", "\r\n", "RECORDER: defendant said \"cauliflower is just white broccoli\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that\n", "\n", "U.S. jobless claims fall back to near cycle lows: \n", "\n", "He was followed by Crates of Thebes who gave away a large fortune so he could live a life of Cynic poverty in Athens.\n", "\n", "*writes 290-character tweet*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Shall I edit?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Fuck it, they'll probably change the limit again soon\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*saves to drafts*\n", "\n", "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'\n", "\n", "Death toll in Baghdad twin suicide bombing rises to 70 - sources \n", "\n", "Ninety percent of deep-sea marine life are estimated to produce bioluminescence in one form or another.\n", "\n", "Pressure grows on Hillary Clinton to release Goldman Sachs speeches \n", "\n", "Petition to change LMAO to LMNOP. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Laughing \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Mostly controlled\r", "\r", "\r\n", "No, stop\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Ope here comes the \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Pee\n", "\n", "IAEA says Iraq informed it of theft of radiography device in Iraq: \n", "\n", "To that end the Academy publishes two dictionaries.\n", "\n", "The water hemisphere , sometimes capitalized as the Water Hemisphere , is the hemisphere on the Earth containing the largest area of water.\n", "\n", "If I were a plane, I would simply refuse to crash\n", "\n", "Insight: Electric vehicle sales fall far short of Obama goal \n", "\n", "we went to get pizza tonight and she was telling me how they use fresh mozzarella, and she sounded like an absolute insane person while saying “mozzarella.” You know what I’m talking about.\n", "\n", "[Gates of Hell]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: ah fuck, was it because I killed that guy and kept driving?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Hell’s Gatekeeper: no *flips papers on clipboard* says here you were forgiven for that\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: supposebley, you can-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Hell’s Gatekeeper: that, that right there, that’s why\n", "\n", "My friend came and asked me why I had two quarters in my ear. I said,\" I'm listening to 50 cent\"\n", "\n", "[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "uh huh....\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm....\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "unless i'm mistaken, it would seem that i'm outside\n", "\n", "Ally of Ukrainian president accused of meddling in prosecution \n", "\n", "Former Oklahoma policeman sentenced to 263 years for raping four women: \n", "\n", "My doctor asked if I was sexually active. I said \"Define active, there are volcanoes classed as active that haven't gone off in centuries\"\n", "\n", "make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”\n", "\n", "UK prompt prices edge higher on heating demand \n", "\n", "Having a little talk with the cats about inviting friends over without talking to me first.\n", "\n", "It is sometimes assertive toward other birds and may chase birds from feeders or other food sources , although this occurs much less often than it is blamed for.\n", "\n", "Every Dark Cloud Has A Silver Lining\n", "\n", "It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.\n", "\n", "The name is short for Shenjiang Xinbao , Shenjiang being a short form of Chunsheng jiang , the old name for the Huangpu River.\n", "\n", "I just told my friend that I am going to be a comedian--he laughed at me. I'm off to a good start!\n", "\n", "For example , a shop might give away its stock in its promotion , but producing these goods would still have required the use of scarce resources , so this would not be a free good in an economic sense.\n", "\n", "good morning i am having a 8:30 am sunday panic about being financially unstable for the rest of my life how are we all doing\n", "\n", "As soon as I finish wiping is when my bowels choose to RELEASE THE KRACKEN\n", "\n", "Direct current may be made into alternating current with an inverter or a motor-generator set.\n", "\n", "At least 40 killed in attack on police training center in Libya's Zliten: mayor \n", "\n", "The first recorded use of beige as a color name in English was in 1887.\n", "\n", "Because `` Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire '' was considered a separate special , The Simpsons was nominated twice in the Animated Program category . This episode lost to fellow Simpsons episode `` Life on the Fast Lane ''.\n", "\n", "In early 2007 , the band supported My Chemical Romance as openers on the first half of their arena tour.\n", "\n", "Necessity Knows No Law\n", "\n", "me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "prison guard: no talking after lights out\n", "\n", "Did Jesus ever get drunk? Not sure, but I heard he got hammered once.\n", "\n", "Born in New York City , Hilton is the oldest of four children of Richard and Kathy Hilton.\n", "\n", "Why is Peter Pan always flying? Cause he neverlands haah\n", "\n", "Buxton is home to Poole 's Cavern , an extensive limestone cavern open to the public , and St Ann 's Well , fed by the geothermal spring bottled and sold internationally by Buxton Mineral Water Company.\n", "\n", "I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.\n", "\n", "Three Southampton trams have survived.\n", "\n", "The three men set off for the village.\n", "\n", "Low U.S. jobless claims underscore labor market strength \n", "\n", "Ginsberg: I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving, hysterical, naked.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me *scrolling twitter*: Yeah, same.\n", "\n", "Why don't they have gambling in Africa? There are too many cheetahs.\n", "\n", "That moment where you're trying to work but a bunch of YouTube videos keep popping up.\n", "\n", "Twinkle twinkle little slut, close your legs you filthy mutt.\n", "\n", "A Hard Nut To Crack\n", "\n", "Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20\n", "\n", "Arrest warrant issued for Taiwan developer after deadly quake \n", "\n", "Looks like its time for me, Fats Gordo, to fix this whole mess with Iran\n", "\n", "U.S.-led coalition needs to take back Mosul and Raqqa: Carter \n", "\n", "Most date from the early Neolithic period.\n", "\n", "A public toilet may or may not cost money to use ; for those that do , see `` pay toilet ''.\n", "\n", "NYC Marathon organizers are sued over lottery to enter race: \n", "\n", "I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid them.\n", "\n", "If you can’t handle me at my worst, then I will mutate into my true form and unleash a pain upon this world the like of which has never been seen.\n", "\n", "What do you call a cow with only three legs? Lean beef.\n", "\n", "I have a photographic memory, it's just out of film.\n", "\n", "A square is defined by the name of piece or empty parameter.\n", "\n", " U.S. considers ending program that lures Cuban doctors to defect \n", "\n", "I’m an optimistic pessimist… I look forward to the worst.\n", "\n", "Kidnapper: We have your wife\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Put her on the phone right now you son of a\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Kidnapper: She's here\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Amy what's that pasta sauce I like?\n", "\n", "Meta-imposter syndrome: When you know a lot of people have imposter syndrome, but you've witnessed how competent they are. So they're not like you, the real imposter.\n", "\n", "The 1990 Formula One season was the 41st season of FIA Formula One motor racing.\n", "\n", "Whispering is chic. Do you have a secret? A juicy bit of gossip? Have you been ill with a shattering disease and are only just recovering? Or are you under the spell of a witch, cursed to speak in muted susurration forevermore? Whisper and thrill the world.\n", "\n", "i'm tired of the phrase \"too bad\" so from now on I'm saying \"that's cactuses\" and if you don't like it well that's cactuses\n", "\n", "Mowgli begins to run and Baloo pushes Shere Khan away . Mowgli and Shanti run up a staircase , soon being followed by Shere Khan after Baloo tries to stop him again and soon run into a crater and jump across and land on a tiger head statue.\n", "\n", "me to me: what if the wife doesn’t even exist \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my kids: it’s 3 o’clock can we have breakfast\n", "\n", "me: the moon controls the tides and the human psyche. wolves know that, that’s why they howl at her. it’s a tribute.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "therapist: let’s talk about your father\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: no\n", "\n", "Me: *covers foot with blanket*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin\n", "\n", "They’re best friends!\n", "\n", "A Fool Always Rushes To The Fore\n", "\n", "Sucks how parents can't name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.\n", "\n", "Not Top Gun yet: China struggles with warplane engine technology \n", "\n", "Damage to marine life was moderate as the storm increased the turbidity and lowered the oxygen level in the water , threatening many fish and other marine wildlife.\n", "\n", "Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.\n", "\n", "Mortar bombs from Syria land near Turkish soldiers clearing mines \n", "\n", "Three days later on SmackDown , Undertaker accepted Orton 's challenge.\n", "\n", "Tin Machine released two studio albums and a live record.\n", "\n", "The two went their separate ways in 1937 , one year before Johnson 's death.\n", "\n", "Greece pledges to speed up delivery of migrant 'hotspot' centers \n", "\n", "At the high photon energies comparable to the electron rest energy of 511 keV , Compton scattering , another process , may take place , and above twice this pair production may take place.\n", "\n", "Tork is screwed up.\n", "\n", "Bees are one of the few insects regularly used on advertisements , being used to illustrate honey and foods made with honey.\n", "\n", "FIFA says Thailand's Makudi banned for three months: \n", "\n", "HSBC drops plan for 2016 pay freeze: \n", "\n", "U.S. and India are considering joint patrols in South China Sea - U.S. official. \n", "\n", "He continued to work in an apparent trance state with a hypnotist all his life.\n", "\n", "The wife is cleaning out the cupboards, dirty, filthy and covered in cobwebs. But she's good with the kids!\n", "\n", "I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name.\n", "\n", "like yeah I would say I’m glad I have skin but at the same time I’m pretty fed up with the amount of maintenance required\n", "\n", "I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.\n", "\n", "Considered one of the best in the country , the Linha Turismo is available every thirty minutes and has a two and a half-hour tour , which travels around forty-four kilometers.\n", "\n", "Me: *pokes straw in a jelly donut and drinks it like a Capri Sun*\n", "\n", "Brilliant. \n", "\n", "I got slapped at work today. I only asked if she spits or swallows. It seemed like a reasonable question considering we work as wine tasters\n", "\n", "things i will never do if we date:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- give you up\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- let you down\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- run around and desert you\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- give you an orgasm\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- make you cry\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- say goodbye\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- tell a lie and hurt you\n", "\n", "Heatley managed just one point.\n", "\n", "By early the next day , a surface low developed and the wave became better organized.\n", "\n", "I work in McDonald's and a customer was rude to me today, so I got him back by not putting any Coke in his drink. Just ice was served.\n", "\n", "What are the advantages of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.\n", "\n", "It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.\n", "\n", "A few beetle genera also possess ocelli , which are small , simple eyes usually situated farther back on the head.\n", "\n", "[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: ya that's fine!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats \"alright alright alright alright\" starts to play on a loop*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe\n", "\n", "Red doors mark out asylum seekers' houses in English town: report \n", "\n", "ME: Of all the things mankind has created, music is unique in its power to transcend borders and move people.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CLIMATE CHANGE: Oh yeah? Watch me get these refugees fleeing.\n", "\n", "You're everything I never wanted.\n", "\n", "Why are gay men so great at fashion? They've spent so much time in the closet.\n", "\n", "Mexico speeding efforts to ensure 'Chapo' extradited: president \n", "\n", "Israeli soldiers kill two Palestinians, one an alleged stabber \n", "\n", "sorry i haven’t been funny lately i’ve been uhhhhhh *checks crumpled up notes* really fucking depressed\n", "\n", "Sometimes I use big words which I don't understand to make me seem more photosynthesis.\n", "\n", "I gave all my dead batteries away today... Free of charge.\n", "\n", "South Africa's finance minister Gordhan says unable to meet deadline to answer police questions \n", "\n", "`` If he had been out there a minute longer , I think somebody would have shot him , '' said one witness.\n", "\n", "Even though I've been married for five years I still can't help thinking about the one that got away. My wife's ex. What a lucky bastard.\n", "\n", "My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed and laughed. Then I remembered that my wife and I have different dentists.\n", "\n", "'The Revenant' and 'The Martian' take top Golden Globes \n", "\n", "In general , men suffer from many of the same illnesses as women.\n", "\n", "New round of Kabul meetings hope to set date for Afghan peace talks \n", "\n", "Another legend involving RyÅ«jin is the story about how the jellyfish lost its bones.\n", "\n", "Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut.\n", "\n", "His best known book , Being and Time , is considered to be one of the most important philosophical works of the 20th century.\n", "\n", "`` We felt that this was the only way to give Lost a proper creative conclusion , '' McPherson said.\n", "\n", "Portions of words may be contracted , and many rules govern this process.\n", "\n", "What do you call a woman stretched across a tennis court? Annette\n", "\n", "My landlord said \"Your obsession with cats is out of control and I can't handle it anymore!\" I cried \"What... You're kicking Meeeeowt?\"\n", "\n", "Celebrity Big Brother\n", "\n", "I just spent half hour grilling some chicken..but it still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road!\n", "\n", "Mark regretted bargain shopping for a hand surgeon but he knew he would get used to it eventually.\n", "\n", "[me still wearin xbox headset while making a sandwich between matches] looks like I work at Wendy’s haha\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[wife putting on perfume to go to the grocery store] haha\n", "\n", "Chatmon was born in Bolton , Mississippi.\n", "\n", "He in turn appointed the ministers.\n", "\n", "\"A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.\"\n", "\n", "Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.\n", "\n", "What do you call a Mexican that lost his vehicle? Carlos\n", "\n", "I was abducted by a UFO, and while a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell, I will say I'm the 1st human in the 36 billion billion mile high club.\n", "\n", "Antonín Klimek was Czech historian whose work focused mainly on history of Czechoslovakian First Republic.\n", "\n", "Double bomb attack kills 22 in Homs - state TV: \n", "\n", "Official estimates as many as 40 dead - 19 confirmed - after militants go on a rampage at a Pakistani university \n", "\n", "Humpty Dumpty died a crack head.\n", "\n", "Zeeshan and Zishan are different words.\n", "\n", "The winner would earn a contract to challenge for any of the three WWE World Championships at any time and any place over a one-year period.\n", "\n", "What are the four words you don't want to hear while making love? \"Honey, I'm home!\"\n", "\n", "What did the bra say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift!\n", "\n", "Sweet Children is the third EP released by punk rock band Green Day.\n", "\n", "Surge of Americans tests limits of Cuba's tourism industry \n", "\n", "Benson was born in Birmingham , Alabama.\n", "\n", "Twelve migrants drown as boat sinks off Greek island \n", "\n", "“alcohol is a depressant, maybe you shouldn’t drink if you’re depressed” but it makes me a different KIND of depressed. the change in pace is nice, ok? keepin’ it spicy. spicy depression.\n", "\n", "So I said “What about Signs with Mel Gibson?”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "She said “I think I remember that film and-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "The aliens ran through a dewy wet corn field”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "And I said “Well there’s the hole in that plot”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bwaaa dada da da dooo\n", "\n", "I've been told I'm not ambitious enough. If only there was an olympic sport for being a lazy bastard. That bronze medal would be mine.\n", "\n", "Who are we?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Poets on opium\r", "\r", "\r\n", "What do we want?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "For the raven to fly hence and bother us no longer\r", "\r", "\r\n", "When do we want it?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "In the bleak December\n", "\n", "Samarkand has been one of the main centres of Persian civilization from its early days.\n", "\n", "While there have been many theological disputes over the nature of Jesus over the first centuries of Christian history , Christians generally believe that Jesus is God incarnate and `` true God and true man ''.\n", "\n", "In early 1930s , one of first games of the NCAA was played in the 31st Infantry Quonset Gym.\n", "\n", "Being sick can really affect your grades in school. The kid my son cheats off of was out all last week.\n", "\n", "TRAFFIC COP: you sure this is gonna work? they’re driving pretty fast\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *ushering a row of ducklings into the street* positive\n", "\n", "I say 'Pika' every time before I sneeze.\n", "\n", "South African opposition asks court to rule on Zuma's home upgrade \n", "\n", "Kofi Annan shares his thoughts on the possibility of a Donald Trump presidency with Stephen Jadler \n", "\n", "The name mithril comes from two words in Sindarin - mith , meaning `` gray '' , and ril meaning `` glitter ''.\n", "\n", "Look Before You Leap, But Having Leapt Never Look Back\n", "\n", "What are David Cameron's main battles in Brussels? Find out - \n", "\n", "How do crazy people go through the woods? They take the psychopath.\n", "\n", "If you snooze, you lose\n", "\n", "Bennington was born in Phoenix , Arizona.\n", "\n", "I got offered a 42 inch TV for £25, the only problem is that the volume button doesn't work. For that price though, you can't turn it down.\n", "\n", "missed u guys but i still have writer's block.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "reply with a joke setup and i'll do the punchline.\n", "\n", "Kenya holds trucks carrying food aid into Somalia on militant fears \n", "\n", "In the wild , kookaburras are known to eat babies of other birds and snakes , and insects and small reptiles and even other small birds , such as finches if they are lucky enough to catch them.\n", "\n", "I felt like I was on the voice today! I farted on the bus and 4 people turned around.\n", "\n", "A Good Jack Makes A Good Jill\n", "\n", "Why did Gateway computers go out of business? Because they led to stronger and addictive computers.\n", "\n", "I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: Are you two an item?\n", "\n", "What's the difference between the lavatory and the cemetery? No difference - when you gotta go, you gotta go!\n", "\n", "The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic. Medics say he needed a second coat.\n", "\n", "Will absolutely completely refuse to watch anything if I know an animal dies or suffers in it and this includes made up monsters. They got my heart.\n", "\n", "might hang out and cause a scandal in the 1930s by wearing trousers and refusing to marry and flying my own plane and going undercover as a burlesque dancer to catch a murderer.\n", "\n", "I am extremely brave until seaweed brushes my foot in the ocean in which case I am someone who can levitate above the water using the power of terror alone.\n", "\n", "Argentina judge releases ex-football official in FIFA probe \n", "\n", "NYPD searching for the last of five suspects in Brooklyn playground rape: \n", "\n", "When I went to the urologist he said I had to go.\n", "\n", "They have two sonsMilo Arthur and Theodore Apollo and two daughtersLara Lettice and Cassia Peaches.\n", "\n", "Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Date: Wow your knee is huge\n", "\n", "I got a letter from Africa. I didn't open it...certified blackmail.\n", "\n", "What do you call it when a girl wipes back to front? A Choco-Taco\n", "\n", "TWEET CALL!!!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "It seems by some miracle I’ve managed to make it to 3000k followers. So drop you’re favorite tweet from somebody under 1k for guaranteed likes and RTs and loving and all that good stuff!\n", "\n", "What's the Difference between NHL Players and the Jersey Shore Girls? NHL Players shower after three periods.\n", "\n", "If any time we shall meet another Marooner that Man shall sign his Articles without the Consent of our Company , shall suffer such Punishment as the Captain and Company shall think fit.\n", "\n", "Ever had sex while camping? It's intents.\n", "\n", "GD\n", "\n", "Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It's a timeline, not a deposition\n", "\n", "I hope baby oil doesn't come from where it says it does..\n", "\n", "Do you know what all kind of imported port-a-potties should be called? EUROPEAN.\n", "\n", "Justice Department sues Ferguson over police reforms: \n", "\n", "Investigator asks U.N. to notify North Korea's Kim of probe for crimes against humanity \n", "\n", "[First date at an aquarium]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: if I opened a seafood restaurant I would serve a sharkuterie board\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: SHARK-uterie\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: uhh\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *under breath* ᵗʰᶦˢ ᵈᵃᵗᵉ ᶦˢ ᶠˡᵒᵘⁿᵈᵉʳᶦⁿᵍ\n", "\n", "Should Jack be considered a number?\n", "\n", "[psychologists collide on staircase]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Freud: *slips*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Jung: *unconscious*\n", "\n", "Factual error: There's no such thing as a \"prince of whales.\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "F -\n", "\n", "Using little plastic dinosaurs and some fishline, I made a scene for my wife's car backup camera.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Now we wait.\n", "\n", "I’m on a fad diet. I only eat fads.\n", "\n", "This President needs to be impeached.\n", "\n", "Just bought an amazing stereo that's made of cake. It's a gateaux blaster.\n", "\n", "My front door was cheap. Made of foam. You can't knock it!\n", "\n", "Garfield and Odie are married and they fuck, jon arbuckle is their kid\n", "\n", "This is a list of children of U.S. Presidents , including stepchildren , adopted children , and alleged illegitimate children.\n", "\n", " Two cans of paint got married, later the bride whispered, \"Darling, I think I'm pigment.\"\n", "\n", "Hezbollah signals no end to Saudi crisis; central bank reassures on currency \n", "\n", "ME: *does a thing*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "WIFE:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[one year later]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "WIFE: i’ve been meaning to talk to you about that time you did that thing\n", "\n", "Ben Hall was born on 9 May 1837 , in Wallis Plains , in the Hunter Valley of New South Wales.\n", "\n", "It is one of the New Seven Wonders of the world , and one of three World Heritage Sites in Agra.\n", "\n", "ME: [polishing bowling trophies]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: You’re pretty good huh?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Yeah I guess I’m pretty good at polishing my brother’s bowling trophies\n", "\n", "Quirky design museum seeks greater respect for India's Dharavi slum \n", "\n", "Some species produce neurotoxins , which in such quantities kill fish and accumulate in filter feeders such as shellfish , which in turn may pass them on to people who eat them.\n", "\n", "Czech ministry allows extradition of Ivory Coast national to U.S. \n", "\n", "who made this\n", "\n", "SM Entertainment announced that Shinee would make their comeback with their second mini album Romeo on May 21 , 2009.\n", "\n", "UK considers allowing Iranian banks to resume business in London: \n", "\n", "I'm really overdrawn at the bank and they keep phoning me and leaving voicemails. I wish they'd just leave me a loan.\n", "\n", "Christians , through faith in the working of God are spiritually resurrected with Jesus so that they may walk in a new way of life.\n", "\n", "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.\n", "\n", "[job interview]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Says here you're good with nicknames?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"I don't wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*under his breath* holy shit he's good\n", "\n", "New Jersey takes sports betting argument to full appeals court \n", "\n", "When it becomes clear that you're not a daredevil you just want to die\n", "\n", "Each country contains 2 switch groups : one for acronyms , another for non-acronyms.\n", "\n", "Valentine's Day: the reason so many people are born in November.\n", "\n", "Yo mama is so poor she has the ducks throw bread at her.\n", "\n", "More than $1 billion was transferred into Malaysia PM's accounts: WSJ \n", "\n", "The date is usually put somewhere in the early 11th century in all three Scandinavian countries.\n", "\n", "We have the classic Ash responses and things like that . ''\n", "\n", "Living in filth, Greece's migrants battle hunger and cold: \n", "\n", "Peegret: Regretting not using the bathroom shortly after you leave a facility in which you were able to do so.\n", "\n", "What can think the unthinkable? An itheberg.\n", "\n", "It finally happened.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.\n", "\n", "Last night I punched my mates lights out..and got electrocuted.\n", "\n", "How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?\n", "\n", "MSNBC: Immigrant Children \r", "\r", "\r\n", "CNN: Immigrant Children \r", "\r", "\r\n", "FOX NEWS: Lynryd Skynyrd concert?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "This isn’t even a joke\n", "\n", "Afghanistan needs long-term U.S. commitment: General Campbell \n", "\n", "Dark Horse 's film arm , Dark Horse Entertainment , produces films and TV shows based on Dark Horse Comics.\n", "\n", "The recipient may remove this template from his/her talk page at any time.\n", "\n", "To all those friends I bought a book for this Christmas, just a reminder they're due back at the library next tuesday!\n", "\n", "I don't know who needs to hear this, but [unintelligible, bloodcurdling screaming]\n", "\n", "A set may be neither closed nor open , either closed or open , or both.\n", "\n", "Nothing like a New York afternoon with @MattTheBrand.\n", "\n", "After Guccio 's death in 1953 , Aldo helped lead the company to a position of International prominence , opening the company 's first boutique in New York.\n", "\n", "two women are aggressively telling each other how good they look at the entrance to this hotel and i feel like they are about to fight each other over who has aged most gracefully and i am here for it\n", "\n", "Just met a charming transvestite from the Manchester area. He had a Wigan address.\n", "\n", "Lebanon speaker says Christian tie-up not enough to secure presidency: paper \n", "\n", "Handsome Is That Handsome Does\n", "\n", "He was rated in the top 10 Formula One drivers of all time by longtime Formula One commentator Murray Walker.\n", "\n", "As soon as women see me, they immediately in shape to impress me. They start running.\n", "\n", "Our old sofa felt terrible.. but now it's fully recovered.\n", "\n", "Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing on the beach you can keep sand out of their mouth while I blow up a raft and they ask if there is a pool.\n", "\n", "The least we can do. (And if you rack up enough “leasts”, you level up to the LESS we can do - and from there to the actual amount we can do to protect human rights! p sweet deal imho) #AbortionIsHealthcare\n", "\n", "A herd may also refer to one that tends and cares for such groups.\n", "\n", "A headache is just your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.\n", "\n", "Four oil tanks now on fire at Libyan ports after clashes: \n", "\n", "Others believe that the hierarchical classification may not serve much purpose.\n", "\n", "Since Adam Was A Boy\n", "\n", "Ocean pollution is a huge problem but there is an obvious solution. Raccoons love to eat garbage. Therefore, if we trained a raccoon navy, they'd be able to go out into the sea & eat the ocean garbage. I don't see how this plan could go wrong. We should also give them swords.\n", "\n", "She also started her own company , Make Music , during this sabbatical.\n", "\n", "Israeli police briefly detain Washington Post bureau chief in Jerusalem \n", "\n", "Head Cook And Bottle-Washer\n", "\n", "[ undercover stake out ] \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*\n", "\n", "What's a skeletons favourite shop? The Body Shop.\n", "\n", "Afterward , both men fought to a no-contest in a Falls Count Anywhere match.\n", "\n", "The team first out of the hat in each tie plays the first leg of their tie at home , and the second leg away.\n", "\n", "Heat periods occur about every two weeks and last about 4 to 7 days.\n", "\n", "Say \"poo\" and your mouth does the same motion as your anus. The exact same can be said for \"violent explosive diarrhoea\"\n", "\n", "Built of brick and wood , it had two stories with a three story tower.\n", "\n", " New York Giants Coach Tom Coughlin stepping down after 12 years with team.\n", "\n", "How Planned Parenthood's accusers became the accused in Texas case \n", "\n", " First case reported of Zika virus transmission in the U.S. in Dallas County, Texas - local media \n", "\n", "*dips antidepressant in ranch dressing*\n", "\n", "With the number of inside jokes I'm writing you'd think I was Carl.\n", "\n", "Superimposition of two correlated layers comprising parallel lines or curves may give rise line moiré patterns.\n", "\n", "Northern Ireland murder case over 1998 Omagh bombing collapses \n", "\n", "I genuinely hope DETECTIVE PIKACHU is the most financially successful movie ever made, and it creates a domino effect of writers and creators completely ceasing to give a fuck about whether something is a good idea or not\n", "\n", "My girlfriend from Thailand said having a small dick is no problem. I really like her, but I think I'd still prefer it if she didn't have one.\n", "\n", "When you laugh along to your friends roasting you\n", "\n", "Two sections of Lincoln Park Zoo have been set aside for children.\n", "\n", "genie: i shall grant you three wishes\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i wish my dog could talk\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "genie: done\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [petting my dog] hey buddy you've got two wishes\n", "\n", "* * . * . * . *\r", "\r", "\r\n", " . * i f u c k e d .\r", "\r", "\r\n", "* * . * t w o j o s h e s *. *. \r", "\r", "\r\n", " * . * i n . a w e e k *. * . \r", "\r", "\r\n", " . * i n 2 0 1 7 * .\n", "\n", "China to lay off 5-6 million workers, earmarks at least $23 bln - \n", "\n", "It is the state fish of Oklahoma.\n", "\n", "I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.\n", "\n", "It is a long work , similar to Flaubert 's Madame Bovary , one of its influences.\n", "\n", "The body turns black shortly after.\n", "\n", "#MostUnderratedBeatlesSong\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Cover of Bad Brains' \"Pay To Cum\".\n", "\n", "Philadelphia man gets up to 30 years prison for collapse that killed six \n", "\n", "The book chronicles events which take place in the fictional space colony of Windhaven.\n", "\n", "EBay's disappointing forecast fuels stock decline \n", "\n", "They did not have any children.\n", "\n", "A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.\n", "\n", "joe biden to a female townhall questioner: do you have a racist bone in your body?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "questioner: no\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "joe biden: do you want one?\n", "\n", "In `` Rise of the Cybermen '' , the Tenth Doctor claims that his TARDIS is the last one in existence although at the time of his saying this , he also thought he was the last Time Lord.\n", "\n", "He started on Opening Day of the 1996 season as the starting shortstop and hit his first major-league home run on that day.\n", "\n", " S&P 500 and Dow futures down 1.7 percent, Nasdaq futures down 2 percent\n", "\n", "Today is an incredible day for mankind.. for today I will rewrite history. history.\n", "\n", "A horse walks into a bar, the barman says, \"Why the long face?\" The horse replies, \"I have cancer.\"\n", "\n", "Obama declares emergency in Michigan over bad water - White House \n", "\n", "Frampton 's international breakthrough album was his live release , Frampton Comes Alive !.\n", "\n", "I added drums to that cat playing a drum solo in its sleep.\n", "\n", "Kuru lies 50 k north of Tampere.\n", "\n", "He got some jobs in Asbury Park , New Jersey , playing at the Hongkong Inn , until a better player took his place.\n", "\n", "Cool prank idea: Turn into a snake or bird\n", "\n", "Early editions of Silvanus P. Thompson 's Calculus Made Easy use the older term.\n", "\n", "I have an old Commodore locked away in the attic. That'll teach the him to dance on my ceiling!\n", "\n", "Italy summons the U.S. ambassador after reports the U.S. spied on Berlusconi: \n", "\n", "Dutch push intelligence sharing after missed signals in Paris \n", "\n", "One of the best ways to go about this is to request this on the article 's talk page.\n", "\n", "After a bad day I came home to find that somebody has ripped the front and back pages from my dictionary.It just goes from bad to worse.\n", "\n", "Procrastination Is The Thief Of Time\n", "\n", "Suffering from anxiety or depression?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Try new Cheer Up™\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Solve ALL your problems with ease by\r", "\r", "\r\n", "𝓒𝓱𝓮𝓮𝓻𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓤𝓹!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "And now introducing NEW Cheer Up™ for WOMEN: Calm Down™\n", "\n", "At that time , the law allowed the elder Dumas to take the child away from his mother.\n", "\n", "Meet George Jetson\r", "\r", "\r\n", "His Boy Elroy\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Daughter Judy\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Jane his wife\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Just kidding, obviously. I'll send the real lyrics tomorrow. Do not use these.\n", "\n", "I told some newer friends I have social anxiety. They said, “I don’t think you do.” I want to defend myself, but I’m not good at talking in groups\n", "\n", "Jury selection to start in second Freddie Gray death trial \n", "\n", "Yes. For several years I'd had the \"J\" (Will Smith - who was as yet upcast) character be the eyes into the movie. But then when Tommy Lee Jones - who'd just won the Oscar for The Fugitive - was cast (he was the first on board), there became a scramble to make him the \"lead.\"\n", "\n", "My friend said I spent too much time in the fantasy world. His words blew me off my dragon.\n", "\n", "Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else. #itstrueladies\n", "\n", "Israel razes West Bank homes of two Palestinian assailants: army \n", "\n", "Officer to drunk boy : \"How high are you?\" Drunk Boy: No officer, its \"Hi! How are you?\"\n", "\n", "me: in the club with them apple bottom jeans (jeans) and boots with the...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "PETA: *raises eyebrows*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ...with the tofu (tofu)\n", "\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Internet: here’s an ad for something you thought of 14 seconds ago\n", "\n", "One day, my kids will figure out \"silly goose\" means \"fuckin asshole.\"\n", "\n", "reading a washington post article in an incognito window after your free views expire\n", "\n", "A duck was about to cross the road, when a chicken came running and said \"No don't do it! You'll never hear the bloody end of it\"\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the Aggies that were arrested in the Iranian zoo? They were trying to free the hostriches.\n", "\n", "ME: Hotdogs imply the existence of coldcats. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "WENDY'S CASHIER: shut the fuck up no it doesnt. I'm sick of you Twitter weirdos coming in here saying weird shit I dont get paid enough for this you didnt even order. get the hell out.\n", "\n", "Does this XXXXL shirt make me look fat?\n", "\n", "Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need an expert opinion.\n", "\n", "good morning\n", "\n", "A lonely girl with a dream - who awakened to find that dream come true.\n", "\n", "Italy closes route over Brenner mountain pass to defuse WW2 bomb \n", "\n", "How do you make an octopus laugh? You give it ten tickles.\n", "\n", "G4S decides to sell UK Children's Services division \n", "\n", "Iraq says moving troops, preparing offensive to retake Mosul \n", "\n", "Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke hadn't been invented yet.\n", "\n", "Nunchaku, street fighting and swordplay by a team of youths. Meet the ninjas of Gaza: \n", "\n", "Zeshan is another similar name.\n", "\n", "A hamburger walks into a bar. The bartender goes \"sorry we don't serve food here\".\n", "\n", "That album quickly surpassed Let 's Go in terms of success.\n", "\n", "Say, Ernie, want some Ice Cream? Sherbert\n", "\n", "She had two sisters.\n", "\n", "BREAKING NEWS: Similar to Final Fantasy XV's promotion with Cup Noodle, Final Fantasy VII Remake will have a similar feature where all Materia in the game will be replaced with different @steak_umm products.\n", "\n", "How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, because it was on the house!\n", "\n", "My ex wife died so to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave. But first I filtered it through my kidneys.\n", "\n", "What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder without a protein shake? No whey José\n", "\n", "Buddy: please don’t do this, it’s not street wear.\r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: yes it is, it’s going to be fine I’m telling you\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Buddy: I’m begging you not to wear it out\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\n", "\n", "Standing water implies the existence of crouching water and possibly even hidden flagon\n", "\n", "Now living at their new campsite , Koror 's new home proved terrible when they learned that their camp is infested with rats.\n", "\n", "Obama preparing to visit Cuba as soon as March: source \n", "\n", "With canal sabotage, rural protesters vent fury on Indian capital \n", "\n", "My girlfriend left me because she says I only ever think about football. I'm gutted, we'd been together for nearly three seasons.\n", "\n", "Obama does victory lap for car industry that looks different from what he hoped \n", "\n", "Gang warfare in El Salvador pushes death rate to record \n", "\n", "EgyptAir mechanic suspected in Russian plane crash - sources \n", "\n", "Iran gives medals for capture of U.S. sailors \n", "\n", "The First Lady has entered the chamber. Keep up with the latest SOTU developments here: \n", "\n", "First Catch Your Hare\n", "\n", "James Murdoch returns to Sky as chairman: \n", "\n", "A Front-Cover Text may be at most 5 words , and a Back-Cover Text may be at most 25 words.\n", "\n", "Egypt says it will not protect policemen who break the law as tensions mount \n", "\n", "His mother was Jean Ferguson Paterson.\n", "\n", "Cologne attacks show Germany unprepared for migration challenge: \n", "\n", "Welch would like to have a career similar to PJ Harvey and Björk who are `` constantly creating new exciting stuff ''.\n", "\n", "I'm terrified of skipping ropes, bungees and trampolines. They make me jump.\n", "\n", "What if a grimace costume was cheaper than a sleeping bag so someone just used it as one\n", "\n", "Disproportionate response to jaywalking is a good way of showing criminals that we will mash them if they do crimes. The US doesn’t want to imprison people. You know who doesn’t to be imprisoned even more? The criminals who will receive a 20 year sentence if they jaywalk\n", "\n", "Approximately 375 million people speak English as their first language.\n", "\n", "Many of the old Inca walls were at first thought to have been lost after the earthquake , but the granite retaining walls of the Qoricancha were exposed , as well as those of other ancient structures throughout the city.\n", "\n", "Why dont blind men skydive? Because it scares the shit out of the dog.\n", "\n", "His String Quintet for two violins , viola and two cellos is also considered a first rate work.\n", "\n", "My first piece for the Washington Post. Pretty dang excited. It’s about Joy Division shirts obviously. Please check it out.\n", "\n", "As Innocent As A Babe Unborn\n", "\n", "The Francis turbine , named for him , is the first modern water turbine.\n", "\n", "Russia expects Syria talks to resume by Feb. 25: ambassador to U.N. \n", "\n", "My grandfather had a stroke this week. He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.\n", "\n", "At those secret meetings they met with `` foure black things , going upright , and yet not like men in the face '' , with whom they ate , danced , and had sex.\n", "\n", "Me drafting tweets when i’m drunk: this is hilarious! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me reading drafts when i’m sober: potango: a love story of a potato and a mango\n", "\n", "almost done with grading all final projects and exams for 4 classes! tonight, there will be whiskey.\n", "\n", "Knock knock Who's there? Britney Spears Britney Spears who? Knock knock ... Who's there? Oops I did it again.\n", "\n", "He is best known as an educator of poor children and an advocate of conscientious objection.\n", "\n", "Many alkaloids are toxic to other organisms.\n", "\n", "Paddy and Mick are in a plane. Paddy asks \"If we do a loop, will we fall out?\" \"No\" replies Mick \"We'll still be pals!\"\n", "\n", "They are the nosiest type of pepper. They are always jalapeño in your business\n", "\n", "don't misteak the finger pointing at the moon for the moon\n", "\n", "I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.So I pushed her over.\n", "\n", "Before Instagram:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh\n", "\n", "9/11 jokes are just plane wrong.\n", "\n", "Ocean pollution is a huge problem but there is an obvious solution. Raccoons love to eat garbage. Therefore, if we trained a raccoon navy, they'd be able to go out into the sea & eat the ocean garbage. I don't see how this plan could go wrong. We should also give them swords.\n", "\n", "In 1925 , she was awarded a gold medal for one of them in the first Arts Décoratifs ' exhibition.\n", "\n", "Why is money green? Because Jews pick it before it is ripe.\n", "\n", "Vontobel family affirms commitment to Swiss bank after patriarch's death \n", "\n", "Karn had previously operated an organ and piano manufacturing company under his own name.\n", "\n", "[ to the tune of all-star]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Hagrid once told Harry \r", "\r", "\r\n", "the world was kind of scary\r", "\r", "\r\n", "and Voldemort wanted him dead.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "He killed his parents first\r", "\r", "\r\n", "then cast the killing curse\r", "\r", "\r\n", "that left the lightning scar on his head.\n", "\n", "Spread of Zika alarming, 4 million cases a possibility: WHO - \n", "\n", " Saudi Arabia will cut off all commercial ties with Iran, ban its citizens from traveling to Iran: foreign minister\n", "\n", "How do you invite a Native Alaskan to your home? You Eskimover. \n", "\n", "me to the boy my best friend just introduced me to: boy are you jim jones?? because these punchlines are very bad\n", "\n", "Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Patient: But my birthday's not till next month\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Doc:Which brings me to the bad news\n", "\n", "My local butcher is seven foot tall and a size fourteen shoe.. what does he weigh? Sausages.\n", "\n", "Huge quake strikes off Indonesia but tsunami warnings cancelled: \n", "\n", "I have a rock garden. Last week, three of them died.\n", "\n", "The water wheel remained competitive with the steam engine well into the Industrial Revolution.\n", "\n", "Carbonated water is a supersaturated solution of carbon dioxide gas in water.\n", "\n", "Kerry says can't comment on content of Clinton emails \n", "\n", "I was so sure that I was doing exactly what I 'd been put on this earth to do , and I would have done anything to make it onto that stage.\n", "\n", "The 1985 Formula One season was the 36th FIA Formula One World Championship season.\n", "\n", "With symbolic handshake at Davos, Cyprus leaders ask elite to back peace:\n", "\n", "[First date at an aquarium]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: if I opened a seafood restaurant I would serve a sharkuterie board\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: SHARK-uterie\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: uhh\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *under breath* ᵗʰᶦˢ ᵈᵃᵗᵉ ᶦˢ ᶠˡᵒᵘⁿᵈᵉʳᶦⁿᵍ\n", "\n", "An Hour In The Morning Is Worth Two In The Evening\n", "\n", "WHO issues $56 million plan to combat Zika virus: \n", "\n", "The Old Norse form of the name was probably Arnardalr.\n", "\n", "me and the squad listening to the new @LilNasX on our way to get some wings\n", "\n", "Thai authorities arrest four activists over attempted protest \n", "\n", "“We had no food and water. We had to drink our own urine.” Understand migrant lives\n", "\n", "taco bell employee: three forty is your change \r", "\r", "\r\n", "arby’s employee: sir, this is a wendy’s\n", "\n", "Good Quarters to be given when Craved.\n", "\n", "thinking about this legend\n", "\n", "How did the nucleus escape from prison? Through the cell wall.\n", "\n", "In autumn , O mother mine , In the full blossomed paddy fields I have seen spread all over sweet smiles.\n", "\n", "LSE's Rolet to bow out to ease merger: \n", "\n", "Why did the sailor ground his son? His grades were below C level\n", "\n", "Good Counsel Does No Harm\n", "\n", "[ during apocalypse ]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*applies Banana Boat lotion to preserve and extend my tan*\n", "\n", "Final communique on Syria has been agreed, Western diplomatic source says\n", "\n", "Why couldn't the candle get any sleep? Because there's no rest for the wicked. \n", "\n", "I put deodorant on only one armpit. I don't smell half bad.\n", "\n", "Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.\n", "\n", "What do you call a run down Italian neighbourhood?The Spaghetto.\n", "\n", "He That Fears Every Bush Must Never Go A-Birding\n", "\n", "I got my child to sleep last night by just repeatedly saying 'bursary'.It was the only nursery rhyme I could think of.\n", "\n", "What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get\n", "\n", "Chinese court upholds life sentence for former Bo Xilai aide \n", "\n", "Jest With An Ass And He Will Flap You In The Face With His Tail\n", "\n", "Michael J. Fox accidentally erases everything he draws on an Etch-a-Sketch.\n", "\n", "As The Fool Thinks, So The Bell Clinks\n", "\n", "me: oh the like button is a heart, for Valentine's Day. that's cute! lol\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "guy who doesn't follow me: (angrily posting screenshots of an archive of twitter from two weeks ago) it's ALWAYS a heart you moron\n", "\n", "What's the worst part about two black guys going over a cliff in a van? They were my friends.\n", "\n", "Why were the Aggies pushing their house down the street? They were trying to jump-start the furnace.\n", "\n", "It then goes back to the acoustic section.\n", "\n", "Other 3 digit years may be misinterpreted as well , so best practice is to use leading zeros to make a 4 digit year for this date range.\n", "\n", "me: *wearing a face mask* ugh my skin feels so good\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "friend: is......is that mayo?\n", "\n", "I wonder what this watermelon did to her...\n", "\n", "John `` Black '' Caesar is generally regarded as the first bushranger.\n", "\n", "judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: no\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "judge: [covers mic] what do I do\n", "\n", "In North America they make massive southward migrations starting in August until the first frost.\n", "\n", "The administration of Ovando in Hispaniola was one of great cruelty toward the Indians.\n", "\n", "Renewable energy. I'm a big fan.\n", "\n", "[in the middle of a depressive episode]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: keep a routine. Take your meds. Practice self care. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Brain: eat some bread\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: what, no, we’re gonna go to therapy\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Brain:[voice turns dark] Ɇ₳₮ ₳ ₩ⱧØⱠɆ ⱠØ₳₣ Ø₣ ฿ⱤɆ₳Đ\n", "\n", "“Fuck is wrong with your feet?”\n", "\n", "EDF Energy cuts gas prices by 5 percent \n", "\n", "Irish PM's party recovers in polls but junior partner struggles \n", "\n", "French PM says Brexit would be tragedy, hopes for progress in February \n", "\n", "Kix cereal says “Kid Tested, Mother Approved.” How is this mom approving what she hasn’t tested? And did the kid approve or not? Shouldn’t product quality be measured by the actual consumer’s experience? Also. Cocoa Pebbles. No one has seen the Flintstones in decades. Stop it.\n", "\n", "Where will the oil money go if Jeb Bush bleeds out?\n", "\n", "What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Their names, if you know them. If not just say \"excuse me\".\n", "\n", "[Pelican family pay for meal with a $100 note]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Waiter: Don't any of you guys have smaller bills?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Pa pelican: [dignified] We're as God made us, Sir\n", "\n", "Britain registers EU membership deal at U.N.: \n", "\n", "Vatican to Trump: It's not 'personal,' it's religion\n", "\n", " U.S. stock futures down about 1.5 percent\n", "\n", "U.N. Security Council members push Russia to stop Aleppo bombing \n", "\n", "Delta software outage delays boarding for two dozen flights: \n", "\n", "If You Run After Two Hares, You Will Catch Neither\n", "\n", "trying to explain to the tsa agent that i’m both an english major AND a whore for a good story as he rummages through my backpack looking for drugs because ‘no 20 year old reads this much’\n", "\n", "I got fired from my job at Pepsi..I tested positive for Coke.\n", "\n", "Each year on Father’s Day my dadbod molts to reveal an even daddier bod.\n", "\n", "I don’t like the phrase ‘gutter press’. Gutters are useful.\n", "\n", "Two more Taiwan quake survivors found, toll could exceed 100: \n", "\n", "Two former presidents of Mexico compare Trump to Hitler \n", "\n", "Karma is only a bitch if you are.\n", "\n", "Protons are composed of two up quarks and one down quark , while a neutron consists of one up quark and two down quarks.\n", "\n", "A Thief Passes For A Gentleman When Stealing Has Made Him Rich\n", "\n", "Senate passes 'provocative' China bill, Cruz lifts nominee holds \n", "\n", "Went to the Ice Cream Van and asked for a 99. The Ice Cream Man asked if I wanted hundreds and thousands? I said 'no thanks mate, just the one'\n", "\n", "What do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer? \r\n", "\r\n", "Ash\n", "\n", "Little came of this effort.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the two gay ghosts? They put the willies up each other.\n", "\n", "Vultures are classified into two groups : Old World vultures and New World vultures.\n", "\n", "Former Indian PM Singh says Modi government failing to boost economic investment \n", "\n", "The reason I wish I was in a gang would be so I know what to do with my hands in pictures.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the Scottish Kamikaze pilot? He crashed his plane in his brother's junkyard.\n", "\n", "Magicians get upset over every perceived slight\n", "\n", "Every spring and fall , thousands of migrating birds pass through the area.\n", "\n", "Though these animals are similar to pet mice and rats , the tail of a spiny mouse is much more delicate.\n", "\n", "(run the jewels voice) picture this / im a bag of chips / put me to your lips / i am crisp / i will leave you with some stained fingertips\n", "\n", "Irish PM's coalition struggles ahead of election, inconclusive poll possible \n", "\n", "That season three clubs were relegated and one from Liga Leumit was promoted.\n", "\n", "And so the King kept Scheherazade alive day by day , as he eagerly anticipated the finishing of last night 's story . At the end of one thousand and one nights , and one thousand stories , Scheherazade told the King that she had no more tales to tell him.\n", "\n", "If you kiss a frog, it turns into a prince but this also works with other animals. If you kiss a dog on the forehead, it turns into a farmer & if you even think about smooching a raccoon, it steals your wallet while a friend distracts you with a story about frogs and dogs.\n", "\n", "Changed my computer password to \"silence\". Apparently the wife doesn't know that word.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the hard of hearing Mexican racist? He tried to join the que que que.\n", "\n", "Thyme is best cultivated in a hot sunny location with well drained soil.\n", "\n", "Holiday made one major film appearance , opposite Louis Armstrong in New Orleans.\n", "\n", "With fewer U.S. troops in Afghanistan, pressure grows for more air strikes \n", "\n", "The condemned man would usually be sentenced to the short drop method of hanging , so that the neck would not break.\n", "\n", "Sanders-Warren fights are pointless, at least for now. The two candidates like each other; so do their staffs, both of which prominently include veterans of Harry Reid’s staff. The ideological differences between them are meaningful but pale compared to with the rest of the field\n", "\n", "[At dinner w girlfriend's parents] \"Watch this\" *pretends to play plate like tambourine* *her dad gives her a secret thumbs up but I see it*\n", "\n", "Its name comes from the similarity of shape to the handle of a cooking pan.\n", "\n", "[desert island]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: look!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: what?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: a boat!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: HEEEEEELP!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *writing* day 287, she's still afraid of boats\n", "\n", "Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.\n", "\n", "pilot: *over intercom* this is your captain asking who's tryin to fuckin party. no cops\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "co pilot: hell yea let's do it\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "pilot: who the fuck are you\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "co pilot: i'm your co p-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "pilot: *pushes him out of the plane* no cops\n", "\n", "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it's tearable! \n", "\n", "That Man that shall snap his Arms , or smoke Tobacco in the Hold , without a Cap to his Pipe , or carry a Candle lighted without a Lanthorn , shall suffer the same Punishment as in the former Article.\n", "\n", "This was also the first time Tammy had been used to name any tropical cyclone worldwide.\n", "\n", "worms are so gross where are you going get back in the ground\n", "\n", "The bedstone does not turn.\n", "\n", "Me: I can’t buy the thing I really want because it’s $30 and that’s too much\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me spending $40 at the dollar store: :) :) o n e dollar :)\n", "\n", "Nobody counts the dead in the Sahara. @Specialreports gets inside the migrant crisis: \n", "\n", "Did you know that trampolines used to actually be called jumpolines? That is, until 1982 when your mom got on one. \n", "\n", "Minimum wage is for maximum losers.\n", "\n", "If these children were prisoners of war, our treatment towards them would violate several standards of International Humanitarian Law.\n", "\n", "I want to tell a joke about Steve Jobs, but won't because it's not PC.\n", "\n", "My neighbour has at last forgiven me for flashing my bum at her. She's over the moon.\n", "\n", "What did the elephant say to the naked man? \"Can you breathe through that?\"\n", "\n", "Yo mama is so fat she needs a passport to roll over.\n", "\n", "Me: how much is the man cupboard?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Priest: this is a funeral\n", "\n", "Filled up his gas tank for only $48. It was just enough to finish mowing my front lawn:\n", "\n", "I just finished designing a website for an orphanage. There isn't a home page\n", "\n", "Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken, which is what gave me the courage to do it.\n", "\n", "Niger opposition rejects initial election results, citing fraud \n", "\n", "He was 21 years old.\n", "\n", "Gurnemanz explains that today is Good Friday , when all the world is renewed.\n", "\n", "German train crash investigations focus on signal controller: source \n", "\n", "me: *tries to withdraw $70*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ATM: Insufficient funds. $69.69 remaining. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *in tears* ⁿᶦᶜᵉ\n", "\n", "To date , much of its work has concerned the introduction of new generic top-level domains.\n", "\n", "Three of these nominations were for the first three films directed by Baz Luhrmann.\n", "\n", "“Hell is other people.”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Sartre\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Full quote: “Hell is other people trying to board an airplane.”\n", "\n", "Wagga Wagga is home to two major Australian Defense Force establishments.\n", "\n", "Hercules helps the refugees take back the city.\n", "\n", "Zika outbreak will worsen before it gets better, WHO head says: \n", "\n", "I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, \"Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings.\" So I got her nothing.\n", "\n", "me: the moon controls the tides and the human psyche. wolves know that, that’s why they howl at her. it’s a tribute.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "therapist: let’s talk about your father\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: no\n", "\n", "Pope urges peace in Mexico's poor, violent corners \n", "\n", "I'll be a great mother some day.\r\n", "-Dude on the street\n", "\n", "Rapidly aging Thailand tells businesses to hire more elderly \n", "\n", "[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.\n", "\n", "here’s a real short clip of my dumb ass doing stand up\n", "\n", "He also worked on Velocity and Heat shows while touring as the full time Raw live event announcer.\n", "\n", "Sunday mornings. A cup of coffee, a bowl of Cocoa Puffs and How It's Made on Science Channel. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Just a little slice of heaven right there.\n", "\n", "John Bonham has come back as an 8 year old girl, I can't begin to describe how amazing this child is!! https://vimeo.com/263985244 #LedZeppelin\n", "\n", "“Any questions?” the professor asks the class.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“How long can a closed-loop human centipede ouroboros self-sustain?” I call out.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“Three days tops until at least one system body fails, triggering the entire series-linked chain to begin inevitable collapse. Anyone else?”\n", "\n", "At The Ends Of The Earth\n", "\n", "The first is the Pritzker Family Children 's Zoo.\n", "\n", "I visited a friend's home for the first time. They introduced me to their dog and their dog's cousin. I just left. I'm not dealing with that type of bullshit today.\n", "\n", "UK police to arrest Wikileaks founder Julian Assange if he leaves the Ecuadorian embassy: \n", "\n", "how the fuck does pony balogna rhyme and sean bean doesn't\n", "\n", "Wife: Timmy’s hamster Mr Fuzzy died this morning and we have to replace him before he gets back from nursery\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[Later] \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *gestures at kid* Well?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: i meant the hamster\n", "\n", "boss: John, we’re gonna have to let you go\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: oh no is it the-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "boss: *nods* it’s the herb puns, John\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ugh every thyme\n", "\n", "Torc is screwed up.\n", "\n", "Gabriel 's men take over the facility and start downloading a copy.\n", "\n", "I hate being the dude that makes a big deal when he sees celebrities, and I didn’t even recognize him at first, but if this guy’s shirt is right, I just met Pickle Rick\n", "\n", "This is the only existing engraving signed with his full name.\n", "\n", "Brentwood was first founded in 1923.\n", "\n", "[murder scene]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DETECTIVE: What do we have here?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?\n", "\n", "Cambodians admit to raping French tourists in Thailand: foreign ministry \n", "\n", "The rules of the Hebrew calendar are designed such that the first day of Rosh Hashanah will never occur on the first , fourth , or sixth day of the Jewish week.\n", "\n", "It is defined as the area of a square whose sides measure exactly one metre.\n", "\n", "What's got no teeth and smells? The gearbox in the wife's car...\n", "\n", "One person drowned after driving into a retention pond.\n", "\n", "Idamante approaches him , but because the two have not seen each other for a long time , recognition is difficult.\n", "\n", "Mrs and 3 of her pals squeezed into my car after weight watchers. I muttered \"fat cows\". The Mrs snapped \"What was that!?\". I said \"You Herd\"..\n", "\n", "Drone strike kills six suspected militants in central Yemen \n", "\n", "Twitter's CEO making big product changes, but users not wowed \n", "\n", "Our shoot schedule, utilizing the latest in modern technology. (Sorry - I had to make it blurry.)\n", "\n", "Tennessee couple claiming winning Powerball ticket appear on TODAYshow: \n", "\n", "Children in the backseat cause accidents, Accidents in the backseat cause children.\n", "\n", "First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of humour my plumber has...\n", "\n", "Turkish artillery returns fire 'in kind' into Syria: military sources \n", "\n", "POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON.\n", "\n", "I still think about that time Pope Francis released that white peace dove and a black crow came out of nowhere & attacked it. every single day\n", "\n", "Canada says will lift sanctions against Iran, gives no details \n", "\n", "It's \"Jamaican hairstyle day\" at work tomorrow. I'm dreading it.\n", "\n", "THERAPIST: Tell me some things you like.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: I like when I'm sleeping.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "THERAPIST: I meant when you're awake.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Oh, I don't like that.\n", "\n", "In 2002 , Powell 's was cited by USA Today as one of America 's 10 best bookstores.\n", "\n", "I never let my children listen to jazz or classical music. It's full of sax and violins.\n", "\n", "Dog: Man's best friend.\r\n", "Cat: Man's reclusive roommate who poops in a box.\n", "\n", "Haitink has five children from his first marriage to Marjolein Snijder.\n", "\n", "Project Gutenberg commemorates Gutenberg 's name.\n", "\n", "I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.\n", "\n", "The WHO-backed weapons in the fight against Zika - genes, bugs and radiation: \n", "\n", "The answer follows if the car is placed randomly behind any door , the host must open a door revealing a goat regardless of the player 's initial choice and , if two doors are available , chooses which one to open randomly.\n", "\n", "In Greek mythology , Sagittarius is identified as a centaur : half human , half horse.\n", "\n", "Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.\n", "\n", "How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw.\n", "\n", "U.S. flies B-52 over South Korea after North's nuclear test \n", "\n", "They then run through a carpark and stand by the railings to see the sunrise.\n", "\n", "UK PM Cameron's spokesman says: Should Julian Assange leave the Ecuadorian embassy, arrest warrant will be put into effect.\n", "\n", "They also have two small post-occipital scutes.\n", "\n", "It's been a really bad day for me. Firstly, my girlfriend got run over by a bus.Then, I lost my job at the bus company.\n", "\n", "Physicians, heal thyselves: What’s going on at the WHO? \n", "\n", "I used to have a job crushing cans. It was soda pressing.\n", "\n", "Winning numbers selected in U.S. Powerball lottery drawing \n", "\n", "UK to spray insecticide inside planes from Zika-affected regions - Guardian \n", "\n", "me: [dead in the morgue] *one leg sticking out of bodybag*\n", "\n", "Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.\n", "\n", "Fishes miss a lot of calls. They always seem to be stuck on a line.\n", "\n", "Britain scrambles fighters to intercept Russian bombers \n", "\n", "Yesterday, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the correct answer.\n", "\n", "Iraq's top Shi'ite cleric suspends weekly political sermons \n", "\n", "By The Street Of 'By-And-Bye' One Arrives At The House Of 'Never'\n", "\n", "Israeli troops shoot and kill Palestinian attacker in West Bank: army \n", "\n", "I'm green. I use iPhone apps in my iPad to save pixels.\n", "\n", " Telefonica eyes AT&T's $10 billion Latin American TV assets - sources \n", "\n", "Hsinchu County controls one township-level city , three urban townships , and nine rural townships.\n", "\n", "Why are domestic violence jokes funny? They always have great punchlines\n", "\n", "Colombia's police chief probed for alleged male prostitution ring \n", "\n", "Welcome to Literal Club. Everyone, please take a seat. No, no, put them all back you guys! Ugh, kill me now. NO NO WAIT IT'S JUST AN EXP\n", "\n", "The only dream that ever comes true is one about peeing.\n", "\n", "In many countries , drowning is one of the leading causes of death for children under 12 years old.\n", "\n", "My girlfriend disliked my obsession with Japanese food, Sushi left me.\n", "\n", "Three days before Katrina 's second and third landfalls , the National Hurricane Center began predicting that the storm would make landfall as a major hurricane.\n", "\n", "But they needed him to feel like it was \"his\" movie. This was also exacerbated by our first meeting, where he told me, in no nuanced terms, that it needed to be either \"a comedy or science fiction, make up your mind,___\" (He used an expletive.)\n", "\n", "ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows\n", "\n", "Games that involve throwing a 2 kilo circular object as far as possible have no place at the Olympics. Discus.\n", "\n", "On the basis of his discoveries , Flemming surmised for the first time that all cell nuclei came from another predecessor nucleus.\n", "\n", "Why doesn't Superman need a boss? He already has supervision.\n", "\n", "What do people who drink enough water want from us\n", "\n", "It is still the most widely used water turbine in the world today.\n", "\n", "I only drink tea when I’m reading the alumni updates former classmates submit for the quarterly newsletter.\n", "\n", "Why can't pirates finish the alphabet? They get lost at C.\n", "\n", "Giardia infects humans , but is also one of the most common parasites infecting cats , dogs and birds.\n", "\n", "me: [imagining a train made of bamboo, traveling across a jungle] i’m excited\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: panda express is a chinese restaurant\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: not a transportation system for pandas\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i’m less excited\n", "\n", "Iran to upgrade missiles, get Russian defense system: minister: \n", "\n", "Short of options, Sri Lanka turns back to Beijing's embrace \n", "\n", "Ukraine deliberately drags feet on Minsk peace deal: Lavrov \n", "\n", "A clown has been sacked for turning up late for his job at the circus. He is suing for funfair dismissal.\n", "\n", "If You Sell The Cow, You Sell Her Milk Too\n", "\n", "Place at the top of affected articles.\n", "\n", "As relations thaw, some Iranian prisoners in U.S. hope for early release: \n", "\n", "A sexy bird looked at my beer belly today and sarcasticly asked \"Is it Fosters or Stella?\" I replied \"there's a tap underneath, taste it!\"\n", "\n", "Tired of lacing shoes? Just replace them with earphones! They'll magically get knotted up every time, guaranteed.\n", "\n", "I'm unstoppable, I just can't seem to get started.\n", "\n", "A foreigner is a person from another country - See Alien.\n", "\n", "Russia warns of new Cold War as east Ukraine violence surges \n", "\n", "Conversation so confusing, you feel like a contestant on “Wheel of Fortune”.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I’d like to solve the DM.\n", "\n", "A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.\n", "\n", "Aside from water vapor , which has a residence time of about nine days , major greenhouse gases are well-mixed , and take many years to leave the atmosphere . Although it is not easy to know with precision how long it takes greenhouse gases to leave the atmosphere , there are estimates for the principal greenhouse gases.\n", "\n", "In The Brothers Karamazov , the character Dmitri Karamazov asks his atheist friend Rakitin , '' ... without God and immortal life ?\n", "\n", "He stated that she was then approached by a dark man in a black shirt similar to those worn by security guards as the young men drove away.\n", "\n", "The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time\n", "\n", "Lebanese army kills six, arrests 16 militants in border town \n", "\n", "Anti-money laundering body urges more scrutiny of Iran, North Korea \n", "\n", "Gang is from the past participle of Old English gan `` to go ''.\n", "\n", "i got 99 problems but houston only wants to hear about one of them.\n", "\n", "There has never been a better time to be some kind of weird fucking grifter\n", "\n", "Life Is But A Span\n", "\n", "The name is a portmanteau of the Spanish words escopeta and guitarra.\n", "\n", "A Joke Never Gains An Enemy But Often Loses A Friend\n", "\n", "Big verdict doesn't assure more wins for plaintiffs in talc-cancer cases \n", "\n", "The word pencil comes from the Latin word which means `` little tail ''.\n", "\n", "My favorite joke.\n", "\n", "Give wikilinked and non-wikilinked names , as well as any possible abbreviations.\n", "\n", "Modern roller coasters take on many different forms.\n", "\n", "The first use of `` taupe '' as a color name in English was in the early 1800s.\n", "\n", "U.N. agency eyes 50,000 Somalis returning from Kenyan camp \n", "\n", "Argentina's Macri faces first test in Congress with creditors deal \n", "\n", "Me: *fighting back tears, but physically, and with nunchucks*\n", "\n", "EU border checks would cost 3 billion euros a year in lost business, says Juncker. \n", "\n", "Two men from Middle East who came to U.S. as refugees arrested on federal terrorism charges in California and Texas: \n", "\n", "CHARLIE: [gets golden ticket] Grandpa I want you to come to the factory with me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "GRANDPA: Thank you Charlie!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[they embrace]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "OTHER GRANDPA: *getting out of bed* Cool, guess I’ll go fuck myself\n", "\n", "All trail mix is is deconstructed candy bars.\n", "\n", "How can you tell if a girl is ticklish? Give her a test-tickle.\n", "\n", "What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? she choked.\n", "\n", "Christian Identity is another movement closely tied to white supremacy.\n", "\n", "Did you hear that Johnny's left side was chopped off? It turned out that he was \"alright!\"\n", "\n", "Standing water implies the existence of crouching water and possibly even hidden flagon\n", "\n", "It has a stocky build , rounded ears , and a short , broad head.\n", "\n", "I had a go at parachuting today.I went to the local airfield and said, \"Stupid parachute morons jumping out of bloody planes\"\n", "\n", "What did the wall say when a fish ran into it? Dumb Bass \n", "\n", "U know how In a box of chocolates there's always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. \"Put a gross one in there\" I said\n", "\n", "Among their best known songs are `` We Can't Be Beaten '' , `` Scarred for Life '' , `` Rock 'n' Roll Outlaw '' and `` Bad Boy for Love ''.\n", "\n", "Kerry hopes for talks in weeks on ending Yemen conflict \n", "\n", "My wife's so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought East Enders was ending.\n", "\n", "To Eat The Calf In The Cow's Belly\n", "\n", "Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.\n", "\n", "staring from a distance counts is flirting, right?\n", "\n", "When do Jews go swimming? When it Israeli hot \n", "\n", "My wife and kids are out of town guess it’s time to eat too many pot pies and cry over NPR tiny desk concerts\n", "\n", "What do you call a Mexican who likes little kids? A Pedro phile\n", "\n", "I just saw on the news'Missing girl found safe'What I wanna know is..Could she crack it?\n", "\n", "Why'd I spend all my childhood trying to save peach? She already has a man.\n", "\n", "Analysis - 'Project Panic' rather than love may keep Britain in EU: \n", "\n", "U.S. announces amendments to Cuba sanctions regulations \n", "\n", "Why did the Mexican throw his wife off of the roof? Tequila.\n", "\n", "What can you hold without ever touching it?\r\n", "A conversation.\n", "\n", "What do you give to the man who has everything? Penicillin.\n", "\n", "Two days after he was sworn in as Prime Minister , the Wall Street Crash of 1929 occurred , marking the beginning of the Great Depression and subsequent Great Depression in Australia.\n", "\n", "The marriage was annulled after two years.\n", "\n", "Roads in the Valley today carry the names of the more prominent families like Mahlooks , Honey and Fosangs.\n", "\n", "Its county seat is New Bern.\n", "\n", "How much do cockneys pay for their shampoo? Pantene.\n", "\n", "No one else can `` know our mind . ''\n", "\n", "His name comes from grandfathers Henry Stuart , Lord Darnley and Frederick II of Denmark.\n", "\n", "Poland against 'emergency brake' solution on UK migrant workers \n", "\n", "However early in the last morning two separate groups of children complete it.\n", "\n", "NFL panel recommends Carson over Inglewood for proposed L.A. stadium \n", "\n", "Why did the flattened can of Coke want to off itself? Because it was soda pressed!\n", "\n", "How come there is no other name for thesaurus?\n", "\n", "Schigolch arrives , asking for money.\n", "\n", "He collaborated on Phillip 's book and provided the first descriptions of and names for many Australian bird species ; its name is Latin for `` fast-footed New Hollander ''.\n", "\n", "i woke up in a certified pre-owned bugatti\n", "\n", "Russia's Lavrov, U.S. Kerry discuss Syria ceasefire plan \n", "\n", "Lake Tanganyika is an African Great Lake.\n", "\n", "Many of these officers were black and had a fear that as they looked like civilian homeless people that uniformed officers would think that they were criminals if they used their guns.\n", "\n", "Plante played for the Rangers for one full season and part of a second.\n", "\n", "I have found an old southern cookbook with some truly fantastic “salad” recipes.\n", "\n", "Do you know what my favorite machine to work in the Gym is? The vending machine.\n", "\n", " Travel insurer says sales soar on Zika fears \n", "\n", "No evidence of shots fired at U.S. Naval Medical Center in San Diego: officials. \n", "\n", "Valvular heart disease is disease process that affects one or more valves of the heart.\n", "\n", "What do you call a pig with no clothes on? Streaky bacon.\n", "\n", "U CLOWNS OUT HERE SMOKIN REGULAR JOINTS IM BOUT TO GET HIGH AS A DOG\n", "\n", "I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again\n", "\n", "The tongue weighs practically nothing, but only a few people can hold it.\n", "\n", "[job interview]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i always give 100%\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "principal: we can’t have that\n", "\n", "they sent me this with no context and without telling me they were doing it lmaooooo i’m not even getting paid for this do i ask for a check\n", "\n", "Libya forces say conduct strikes on Islamic State in Derna, plane crashes \n", "\n", "My business card is just a piece of toast.\n", "\n", "I felt uncomfortable , and besides , girls didn't go in those days . ''\n", "\n", "UAE soldier killed in Yemen fighting: state news \n", "\n", "There are two pairs of gills.\n", "\n", "paused Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can't watch breaking bad.\n", "\n", "Fuck nudes, send her some clothes before she catches a cold\n", "\n", "Why did the leper fail his driving test? He left his foot on the brake.\n", "\n", "[Speed dating]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Only 2 things ya gotta know about me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "GUY: Ok\r", "\r", "\r\n", "M: Number one, I have a childish sense of humor\r", "\r", "\r\n", "G: What's number two?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "M: lol\n", "\n", "People say 60 is the new 40...the cop that pulled me over this morning disagreed.\n", "\n", "Last night I dreamt that I was the author of Lord of the Rings. I was Tolkien in my sleep.\n", "\n", "Slovenian army to help police control migrant inflow on border \n", "\n", "I would never go up to a van that says 'Free Candy' or 'Free puppies' painted on the side, they have to have both\n", "\n", "I just found out this was a hi-five emoji and not praying hands. People out here dying and I'm giving hi-fives.\n", "\n", "Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.\n", "\n", "Obama: No illusions about Syria ceasefire, will work to make it succeed \n", "\n", "[ant colony]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "husband: I am beat\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY\n", "\n", "Lady: I just want my situation to be improved \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Joe Biden: Yes. I get it. Like if I called you Sweet Thing instead of Sugartits\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Lady: no, that’s not-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Joe Biden: Listen up Sweet Thing we all gotta be willing to compromise\n", "\n", "'Midnight Special' film at Berlin takes sci-fi look at parenting \n", "\n", "More than 100 people 'unaccounted for' after South Africa mine collapse - union \n", "\n", "I had a wank over my ex girlfriend last night. Yeah I know it's wrong but I still have a key and she's a deep sleeper!\n", "\n", "People who ask me to look after their plants while they’re away must assume I got my nickname, Cactus Killer, ironically.\n", "\n", "Wife [walking into room]: OMG HAVE YOU BEEN FARTING IN HERE?!?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I feel like you already know the answer to this.\n", "\n", "I recently lost my job as a teacher. I got caught shagging the ugliest teacher in the whole school. Gross Miss Conduct\n", "\n", "good morning to everyone but especially the hotel coffee which is all that’s keeping me awake at this point\n", "\n", "In 1715 Old Town and New Town were merged to form a single town.\n", "\n", "yes, there are five stages of grief, but if you press up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-A-B-start, you get access to the hidden levels\n", "\n", "I'm not saying I'm lazy, I'm just saying I do all of my gardening in the produce section of the grocery store.\n", "\n", "[sees an ant on the wall] god you’re so dumb no offense\n", "\n", "U.S. says making progress in aircraft carrier collaboration with India \n", "\n", "What did the sadist do to the masochist? Nothing.\n", "\n", "General practice clinics are run by one or several general practitioners or practice managers.\n", "\n", "Irish governing coalition set to fall short of majority - poll: \n", "\n", "Maine Road also gives its name to a non-league football club , Maine Road F.C..\n", "\n", "What's the difference between a musician and a large cheese pizza? A large cheese pizza can feed a family of four.\n", "\n", "Another method of protection is the release of a sour liquid from the skin.\n", "\n", "I'm pretty sure Dora the Explorer is the maid on Family Guy.\n", "\n", "Tegan first appears in the Fourth Doctor 's last serial , Logopolis.\n", "\n", "[ant colony]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "husband: I am beat\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY\n", "\n", "me: napkins clean up spills\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: so do dogs\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: so dogs are napkins\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: no\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *wiping my mouth with a dog* pay attention Jen\n", "\n", "A Physicist and a Biologist had a relationship, but there was no Chemistry.\n", "\n", "pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere\n", "\n", "Prominent Turkish journalists freed after top court ruled their rights violated \n", "\n", "Why does Noddy have a bell on his hat? Because he's a twat.\n", "\n" ] }, { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ " Online cattle auction aims to shake up U.S. meat market \n", "\n", "Plants take up atmospheric carbon dioxide by photosynthesis , and are ingested by animals , so every living thing is constantly exchanging carbon-14 with its environment as long as it lives.\n", "\n", "me: i like your haircut. did you know the bees are dying?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "you: weird segue\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: it’s called a segway [zooms away]\n", "\n", "What do you call a poor Italian neighborhood? A speghetto. \n", "\n", "UK government says EU exit could lead to decade of uncertainty: \n", "\n", "Russia's military says Turkey's airspace violation claim a 'provocation' \n", "\n", "anyone need help opening a pickle jar?\n", "\n", "What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.\n", "\n", "And in the final days, as the world burned, oceans lapped at doorsteps, and Thunder Snow fell in the mountains, people passed the time arguing over what to call the illegal detention of children. And thus it became clear to all that the end really couldn’t come soon enough.\n", "\n", "U.S. adds five Russian officials to human rights sanctions list \n", "\n", "Greek police fire tear gas at angry farmers rallying in Athens \n", "\n", "Raí , full name Raí Souza Vieira de Oliveira is a former Brazilian football midfielder.\n", "\n", "Why did the blonde snort splenda? She thought it was diet coke. \n", "\n", "Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.\n", "\n", "What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when asked to join a classical music costume contest? \"I'll be Bach\"\n", "\n", "There are many advantages in using a suppressor that are not related to the sound.\n", "\n", "My wife says we need to work hard on our relationship because of my immaturity. Hehe, she said hardon.\n", "\n", "To solve this problem , Claudia decides to go live at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City.\n", "\n", "Twitter Bang: Hooking up with someone in less than 140 characters.\n", "\n", "Oil prices dip again as oversupply weighs on market \n", "\n", "Main Syrian opposition team to head to Geneva ahead of possible negotiations \n", "\n", "U.N. scrambles to sustain Syria talks; Russia vows to crush 'terrorists' \n", "\n", "COP:Ur husband was drafting a tweet when the car crashed. It said \"bear astronaut\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "WIFE:*weeping*It sounds like it wouldve been really funny\n", "\n", "One Swallow Does Not Make A Summer\n", "\n", "Jaitley pushes GST, reassures on back taxes \n", "\n", "South Africa's Zuma to visit Iran on Sunday: statement \n", "\n", "For general articles see.\n", "\n", "like all of your dads, whales fuck\n", "\n", "Japan lifts nuclear sanctions on Iran \n", "\n", "After dreadful week, stocks look for reason to bounce \n", "\n", "The first one started to power on July 10 , 2003.\n", "\n", "My dad told me to stop using such high calibre rounds when we were out hunting. As usual, it went in one deer and out the other.\n", "\n", "I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being just surprised as everyone else by the crazy stuff that comes out of my mouth.\n", "\n", "How do you make a cat flap? Throw it off a cliff.\n", "\n", "Therefore we can be sure that our senses give us correct information , for otherwise we would not be here to be deceived.\n", "\n", "Just bought a new 4D TV, it comes with integration of heat,cold,wet, wind, and different aromas. It's 6' by 4'. Its called a window.\n", "\n", "French government flags possible reshuffle in February \n", "\n", "She had her first exhibitions in 1991.\n", "\n", "Employee 1: im thinking for our new travel mug we'll use a lid\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Employee 2 [cumming]: i have a better idea\n", "\n", "They eat by holding the fish in one claw and tearing the flesh with the other.\n", "\n", "The first geyser they saw was Old Faithful.\n", "\n", "Renault-Nissan alliance plans self-driving cars over next four years \n", "\n", "The devil 's stone weighs 220 tons and stands near Göschenen.\n", "\n", "Syrian Kurdish party expects invite to Geneva talks: \n", "\n", "an abridged history of the modern Republican party \r", "\r", "\r\n", "1968: racists are cool\r", "\r", "\r\n", "1970: gun nuts are cool \r", "\r", "\r\n", "1980: wealth hoarders are cool \r", "\r", "\r\n", "1984: religious nuts are cool \r", "\r", "\r\n", "2016: Nazis are cool \r", "\r", "\r\n", "2017: child molesters are cool \r", "\r", "\r\n", "2018: traitors are cool \r", "\r", "\r\n", "2019: concentration camps are cool\n", "\n", "Tokyo goes for broke in Okinawa poll at U.S. airbase city \n", "\n", "Whenever I see a sign that says 'keep off the grass'. I wonder how it got there.\n", "\n", "Israel NGO bill, seen as targeting left-wing groups, set to cross first hurdle \n", "\n", "The Work Shows The Workman\n", "\n", "I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time\n", "\n", "You'd think that atoms bonding with other atoms would mean they're being friendly, but really they steal each other's electrons. How ionic.\n", "\n", "The first edition was published in 2004.\n", "\n", "To anyone suffering from paranoia. You're not alone.\n", "\n", "The chances of you dying on the way to get your lottery tickets are greater than your chances of winning.\n", "\n", "Turkey delivers aid across border as Syrian forces step up Aleppo assault \n", "\n", "Venezuela ex-ministers seek probe into $300 billion in lost oil revenue \n", "\n", "What does Donald Trump tell Barack Obama supporters? Orange Is The New Black\n", "\n", "Zeus gave her the gift to be able to take her eyes out to rest , and then put them back in.\n", "\n", "Yahoo to say it is exploring 'strategic alternatives': $YHOO \n", "\n", "What do a burnt pizza, frozen beer, and a pregnant girl have in common? Someone didn't pull it out in time.\n", "\n", "Cashier and I made eye contact & I whispered “I hurt myself..”\n", "\n", "Five years on, unrest tests 'Arab Spring' model Tunisia \n", "\n", "These contain long hydrocarbon chains and a carboxylic acid group on one end.\n", "\n", "[tree falls in forest]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[doesnt make a sound]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "TREE: oh shit I mean AHH I FELL\n", "\n", "The water surface area is 1.68 km.\n", "\n", "Did you hear they are looking for someone to be in charge of potato snacks in the monastery? The job description will be: Chipmonk.\n", "\n", "a wedding band playing killing in the name of at a wedding but instead of saying killing in the name of they say Wayne and Linda in love\n", "\n", "genie: i will grant you any wish\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i wish soup was spelled like soop \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "genie: [frowning] no\n", "\n", "His family moved to New York when he was four years old.\n", "\n", "A hurricane was first detected off the coast of North Carolina in early October.\n", "\n", "Home electrical systems , for example , are wired with copper for its good conducting properties and easy machinability.\n", "\n", "Caste protests cut water to Indian capital, hit industry \n", "\n", "I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be \"saved\" or \"I'll burn\"... Stupid firefighters.\n", "\n", "The longest recorded length of this species is one found on Guam measuring three meters.\n", "\n", "Oil industry turns to women in hour of need\n", "\n", "Many Iranian women and youth feel failed by reformists ahead of vote \n", "\n", "What did the blonde say when her doctor told her that she was pregnant? \"Is it mine\"?\n", "\n", "Since their formation , Ensiferum has released four full-length albums , one EP , one compilation , three singles , and three demo albums.\n", "\n", "i'm doing my best but if i don't get to u and u decide to hate me just remember i hate me more :)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "also my followers come first cuz i wouldn't be making all this twitter money if not for them\n", "\n", "Russia invites Japan to fish around disputed islands \n", "\n", "Two cannibals eating a clown. One turns to the other and says \"This taste funny to you?\"\n", "\n", "No one on the street was injured but the cleanup took many weeks.\n", "\n", "Alternatively , to get over , some heels may do such actions as grab a fan 's hat and throw it away , or grab his sign and tear it in half.\n", "\n", "What did the Mexican say when his term paper flew out the window? - \"Where you goin', essay?\"\n", "\n", "Suicide attack targets home of security chief in Yemen's Lahej: residents \n", "\n", "The fact that you saw this tweet as an affront to your personal political views says more about you than me, friendo\n", "\n", "A bear hug isn't truly a bear hug unless it's administered by a real bear.\n", "\n", "If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.\n", "\n", "I’ve never been stung by a bee, which I’ve always attributed to luck. But now I’m like... what if it’s because my destiny is to save the bees and they know the prophecy\n", "\n", "Hey, @JohnTesh I co-host an NBA show on NBC Sports Chicago and everyone knows NBA + NBC = \"Roundball Rock.\" How many RTs for us to be able to use immortal \"Roundball Rock\" as our intro?\n", "\n", "Did you hear that two men went to prison for stealing a calendar? They both got six months\n", "\n", "A customer was buying condoms at work today. I asked if he'd like a bag? He said, \"No, she's not that ugly.\"\n", "\n", "*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: No. Why?\n", "\n", "On Turkish side of border, Syrian refugees wait and worry \n", "\n", "They need to change the national bird to Kentucky Fried Chicken.\n", "\n", "How do you tell if someone's balls are sensitive? Give them a test-tickle\n", "\n", "how has this show not been canceled yet\n", "\n", "[a banana doing his first open mic]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Banana: orange ya glad I didn’t say me again\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Audience: [silent]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Banana: so anyways abortion is back in the news\n", "\n", "A Miss Is As Good As A Mile\n", "\n", "Instead , remembering something an enemy demigod said , Percy makes the gods promise on the River Styx that they will recognize all of their children by the time they turn 13 and that they will end the pact of the Big Three.\n", "\n", "Artificial intelligence, a designated driver? Read more: \n", "\n", "Did you hear which major department store is considering opening a couple of stores in Iraq? TARGET!\n", "\n", "Keynes 's early romantic and sexual relationships were almost exclusively with men.\n", "\n", "I'm not saying my wife's a fat bitch. But I've had to put an energy-saving bulb in the fridge.\n", "\n", "Ur punk rock band name is your fav cuss word and whatever you hate most in life/the universe. You may add 1 article/preposition/conjunction.\n", "\n", "Some prefer to soak the lentils for an extended time and discard the water.\n", "\n", "On an artistic color wheel , complementary colors are placed opposite one another.\n", "\n", "Some , notably first-time sufferers , may call for emergency services . Many who experience a panic attack , mostly for the first time , fear they are having a heart attack or a nervous breakdown.\n", "\n", "It is prevalent within every section and every level of the society.\n", "\n", "US American and US-American is another option , and is a common demonym in German.\n", "\n", "I've finally come to accept I'm dyslexic and I'll always be dyslexic. A Leotard can't change its spots.\n", "\n", "My wife is very big in fashion. She's a size 22.\n", "\n", "New Jersey Gov. Christie backs Atlantic City takeover plan \n", "\n", "Gorgoneia first appear in Greek art at the turn of the 8th century BC.\n", "\n", "Why did the football manager give his team lighters? Cos they kept losing all of their matches.\n", "\n", "Jack Donahue was a bushranger in Australia.\n", "\n", "im a bitch / im a lover\r", "\r", "\r\n", "im hulk hogan / hey there brother\n", "\n", "The video begins with Rihanna and two her friends arriving at a club where everybody is bored and not dancing because of the low music.\n", "\n", "No Joy Without Alloy\n", "\n", "Levinson's family 'desperate for answers' from White House \n", "\n", "What do fat women get for Valentine's day? Depressed.\n", "\n", "The Aon Center is the name of two buildings.\n", "\n", "dave i can GUARANTEE that no woman is getting an abortion to impress your shitty ass lmao\n", "\n", "[first day as a waiter]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *trying to grind dr pepper onto someone's plate* say when\n", "\n", "Candidates often spend long days on the trail and nights in budget hotels - but not Trump. \n", "\n", "Three quarters of the planet Earth is covered by water.\n", "\n", "How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another women's lipstick on his knuckles.\n", "\n", "Yo mama is so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said \"Sorry, no professionals.\"\n", "\n", "Music Call\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I'm searching for good music that has slipped thru the cracks. Add 1 band to this thread that you like, but most people may not have heard of. Please RT this tweet to keep it going, so we can add to our libraries!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I'll go first - The Tragically Hip\n", "\n", "Pretty excited for the year 2170, when I'll be just a head in a jar, stored inside a giant warehouse, quietly singing the harmony part to \"The Boxer.\"\n", "\n", "Congressman aims to revoke Bill Cosby's Medal of Freedom \n", "\n", "Three hundred sixty-two Trojan athletes have participated in the Olympic games winning 112 gold , 66 silver , and 58 bronze medals.\n", "\n", "WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there'll be more of them\n", "\n", "Officially , the games lasted for four and a half months ; in fact , James Edward Sullivan tried to hold an event every day for the duration of the fair.\n", "\n", "Microsleeps can occur at any time , typically without significant warning.\n", "\n", "It is one of the two rivers of Karachi , the other one being Malir River.\n", "\n", "I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.\n", "\n", "Stretch Your Legs According To The Coverlet\n", "\n", "Groundhog Day received worldwide attention as a result of the 1993 film of the same name , Groundhog Day , which was set in Punxsutawney and featured Punxsutawney Phil.\n", "\n", "we're banning all thirsty comments on women's pictures. from now on if you wish to compliment a lady, you may call her \"adorable sea-hag,\" \"dreaded elf-witch,\" or \"deadly and all-powerful siren who could stab me in the heart with a knife.\" make your choice and make it fast.\n", "\n", "Asked about Britain's EU vote, China says supports strong Europe: \n", "\n", "French justice minister Taubira resigns after uneasy term: \n", "\n", "What's the hottest part of the sun? Page 3\n", "\n", "South Korea aims to put a robot in every house there by 2015-2020 in order to help catch up technologically with Japan.\n", "\n", "What is E.T. short for? He has really small legs\n", "\n", "having a normal one\n", "\n", "Some white supremacists identify themselves as Odinists , although some Odinists reject white supremacy , and white supremacists are only one faction of those who support Odinism.\n", "\n", "Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.\n", "\n", "U.N. demands Syria parties halt fighting, peace talks set for March 7 \n", "\n", "This gives an axial tilt of 29.\n", "\n", "*watching James Blunt mouth \"not you\" to me after singing You're Beautiful in concert*\n", "\n", "UK retail sales growth picks up unexpectedly in January: \n", "\n", "[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth\n", "\n", "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.\n", "\n", "One reviewer characterized this as `` Quite possibly Card 's best published work , ever . ''.\n", "\n", "The Vale of White Horse is a local government district of Oxfordshire in England.\n", "\n", "Zika-hit Puerto Rico prepares to import all of its blood supplies: \n", "\n", "Indonesian city reprimands Muslim hardliners for harassing gays \n", "\n", "The sun is a type of toaster\n", "\n", "What kind of horses do ghosts ride? Nightmares! \n", "\n", "Me: I’d kill for a donut\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Krispy Kreme assistant: please use cash\n", "\n", "Those laxative commercials seem to go right through me.\n", "\n", "Let your date know you’re cultured by taking her to the symphony and saying “oh okay cool they’re doing it that way” when the oboes kick in\n", "\n", "Samples confirm Islamic State used mustard gas in Iraq, diplomat says. \n", "\n", "son: I forgot to close the gate and Marauders looted our gasoline and fresh water\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "max: I'm not Mad Max at you, I'm just Disappointed Max\n", "\n", "Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Therapist: ...I gathered.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: [screams]\n", "\n", "One of Woodstock 's most notable building 's is Old St. Paul 's Anglican Church.\n", "\n", "FIFA election to go ahead but Blatter told to stay away: \n", "\n", "Washington slowly revives from deadly blizzard as transit resumes \n", "\n", "Papatoetoe is a suburb of Manukau City , one of the four cities that make up the Auckland conurbation in northern New Zealand.\n", "\n", "U.S. documents detail 2015 Amtrak train crash but offer no cause \n", "\n", "When I thought I found my groove, it turned out it was only a rut.\n", "\n", "Authorities working to clear remaining protesters in Oregon occupation \n", "\n", "So embarrassing! It's 2019 but I'm still writing War in Iraq on all my checks smh\n", "\n", "In the same series , he reflected upon his lost friends and the moment when he came face to face with a German soldier.\n", "\n", "What can be found in a Judge's freezer? Just ice.\n", "\n", "A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining and asks \"ladies, is anything ok?\"\n", "\n", "Central American immigrants scramble for options to deportation by U.S. \n", "\n", "Me: sorry I couldn't write the whole name, I ran out of frosting. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Widow: *crying* why would you use frosting on a gravestone?\n", "\n", "My bank balance is sick, I hope it gets better soon!\n", "\n", "Thomas worked at the Natural History Museum on mammals , describing about 2,000 new species and sub-species for the first time.\n", "\n", "“Yep.”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- me trying my hardest to make small talk\n", "\n", "Beavers also noted that characters with opposing viewpoints were often set up to be `` bad people '' in the viewer 's eyes.\n", "\n", "Wife: what’s wrong with him\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Doctor: he doesn’t know the words to the song stuck in his head \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: oh my god is he going to be ok \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: woah we’re halfway there woah woah *vague frustrated mumbling* \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Doctor: I’m afraid not\n", "\n", "Me: please, I’ve tried everything \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware\n", "\n", "Orban says Hungary faces 'serious challenge' in euro decision \n", "\n", "Wular Lake is one of the largest fresh water lakes in Asia.\n", "\n", "Unicorns aren't extinct - they just gained weight and are now called rhinos\n", "\n", "Familiarity Breeds Contempt\n", "\n", "I went to the doctors the other day and asked if he had anything for wind. So he gave me a kite.\n", "\n", "Do you know why Frequency cannot love any more? Cause it still hertz.\n", "\n", "The Titan 's Curse received several literature-related awards , including : number one The New York Times children 's series best seller and Book Sense Top Ten Summer Pick for 2007.\n", "\n", "What do you get if you cross a witch and an iceberg? A cold spell.\n", "\n", "Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.\n", "\n", "Iraqi army learns Ramadi's lessons in U.S.-led coalition training \n", "\n", "Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.\n", "\n", "The name `` Doaba '' literally translates to `` land of two rivers ''.\n", "\n", "Habit Cures Habit\n", "\n", "It wasn't named but the recipe was similar to today 's Pavlova.\n", "\n", "On day 2 , the castaways were told they would divide into 2 tribes of 9 members each , with the two immunity holders making the first picks for their new tribes.\n", "\n", "I remember the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket... \"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?\"\n", "\n", "\"Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory.\" \"When did this happen?\" \"When did what happen?\"\n", "\n", "ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.\n", "\n", "Her: I was able to locate your birth record\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: nice try. I was never in a baby band, Linda\n", "\n", "Panini - Lil Nas X (2019)\n", "\n", "Two cheerleaders ended up married, they met by chants.\n", "\n", "genie: i shall grant you three wishes\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i wish my dog could talk\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "genie: done\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [petting my dog] hey buddy you've got two wishes\n", "\n", "Grateful to be living in the \"Tetris when it's going too fast and blocks are helplessly piling up\" era of human history\n", "\n", "Vladimir Putin probably approved operation to kill ex-KGB agent Alexander Litvinenko in London in 2006 – UK inquiry\n", "\n", "Missiles in Syria kill 50 as schools, hospitals hit; Turkey accuses Russia \n", "\n", "Claw Me, And I Will Claw Thee\n", "\n", "My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water...I think he meant well.\n", "\n", "Just invited my friends round for a Vodka party. Everyone was in great spirits.\n", "\n", "I ordered a hotel wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, \"What the hell are you doing with your life?\"\n", "\n", "Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Clark Kent: kryptonite\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Clark Kent: oh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa\n", "\n", "All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between England and a tea bag? A tea bag stays in the cup longer!\n", "\n", "Memorial Day is a United States federal holiday observed on the last Monday of May.\n", "\n", "Cucked by the mucinex goblin\n", "\n", "Promise Is Debt\n", "\n", "Militia groups meet with leaders of Oregon occupation, pledge support \n", "\n", "Kurds won't attend Syria talks, Saudi-backed opponents to take lead: Fabius - \n", "\n", "Too Much Of A Good Thing Is Good For Nothing\n", "\n", "FBI seeks peaceful end to occupation at Oregon wildlife refuge: \n", "\n", "Hahaha\n", "\n", "Haiti protesters stone to death ex-fighter as political crisis deepens \n", "\n", "Enema of the State tour get your tickets!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "http://smarturl.it/blink182tour \n", "\n", "A major scale may be seen as two identical tetrachords separated by a whole tone , or whole step , the new set of steps `` Whole : Whole : Half : Whole : Whole : Whole : Half ''.\n", "\n", "the Office Depot is good but i still prefer the British Office Depot\n", "\n", "I bet my butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said \"No, the steaks are too high\".\n", "\n", "[after sending daughter to her grandparents house for the day]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cleans house\r", "\r", "\r\n", "does laundry \r", "\r", "\r\n", " draws a horse/duck hybrid\n", "\n", "Fundraiser idea: Play 'Baby' by Justin Bieber constantly, and have people pay to make it stop.\n", "\n", "WIFE: He won't stop pretending he's on the news.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "THERAPIST: Any truth to that?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *shuffling papers* This just in, Karen is a goddamn liar.\n", "\n", "Michael Buble is short for “My Collection of Bubbly Christmas Music” and long for “My Boob” thanks for following\n", "\n", "[to the tune of Tubthumping]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "he was a young Link\r", "\r", "\r\n", "he was an older Link\r", "\r", "\r\n", "he was a toon Link\r", "\r", "\r\n", "he was a wolf Link\r", "\r", "\r\n", "he plays the songs that take him to the future times\r", "\r", "\r\n", "he plays the songs that take him to the past times\n", "\n", "It is one of the first North American bird species to lay eggs , and normally has two to three broods per breeding season , which lasts from April to July.\n", "\n", "Back to its roots: how Zika may threaten Africa \n", "\n", "Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man how to fish, he eats for a lifetime\n", "\n", "cop: is this a fake drivers license?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: no\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: so you live on Marvin Gardens?\n", "\n", "This WrestleMania has the distinction of the only WrestleMania not to feature at least one standard one on one wrestling match.\n", "\n", "Every time I see you I think about how much of a waste that 100 million years was.\n", "\n", "U.S. training African police to counter new jihadist threats \n", "\n", "It is one of the less common types of skin cancer but causes the majority of skin cancer related deaths.\n", "\n", "Gonna dress up as a Champions League trophy for Halloween and go around scaring Arsenal fans.\n", "\n", "They are castrated so that the animal may be more docile or may put on weight more quickly.\n", "\n", "Every Day Is Not Sunday\n", "\n", "Potatoes are just dirt apples.\n", "\n", "No man to talk of breaking up their way of living , till each had shared one thousand pounds.\n", "\n", "if you you don’t \r", "\r", "\r\n", "don’t love deserve \r", "\r", "\r\n", "me at my me at my\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went around biting people? It was a vicious cycle.\n", "\n", "What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock\n", "\n", "When I watch an old movie on TV, I always lose the \"decode the Roman numerals\" game when it's over. Turns out \"Citizen Kane\" was not made in 1641.\n", "\n", "me: do you think chewbacca has pecs or a trail of tiny teats like a piglet\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "uber driver: why did you sit in the front\n", "\n", "Too Many Cooks Spoil The Broth\n", "\n", "The remaining man escapes.\n", "\n", "Franklin Pierce , Jr. died three days after birth.\n", "\n", "Liking your own Facebook status is like high-fiving yourself in public.\n", "\n", "Slim: the line between genius and insane.\n", "\n", "U.S. judge orders explanation of Iran prisoner deal \n", "\n", "wife: [watching the news] some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick\n", "\n", "Love it when it’s 1540 BC in southern Siberia and the streams are as full as the harvest, but it’s also time to watch out for your eldest brother Nern, who has no discipline with food and ale and will fall drunk in the frost or eat a winter’s stock in a fortnight\n", "\n", "President Obama is invested in the gun industry – are you? \n", "\n", "Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo? Ones heavy the others a little lighter.\n", "\n", "Remember: you can become possessed by a demon whenever you want, you’re an adult.\n", "\n", "Koeman married Bartina Koeman in 1985 . They have three children , two of them named Tim and Ronald.\n", "\n", "My new video is going out tomorrow. Accidentally put a dick pic in the crying montage. Have to take it out\n", "\n", "bartender: [drying a glass with a rag]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"what can i get ya?\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: \"strongest thing you got\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "bartender: [slides me a single mother with 8 kids]\n", "\n", "Take a look at the welcome page to learn more about Wikipedia.\n", "\n", "Sumbawa lies within the Pacific Ring of Fire.\n", "\n", "Additionally , is simply a rendering of , without bothering with the optional first argument.\n", "\n", "Lumberjacks were exclusively men.\n", "\n", "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem\n", "\n", "Rings of Saturn are made entirely of lost airline luggage.\n", "\n", "Today a great number of small and middle-sized businesses dominate the economy.\n", "\n", "Targowica confederates , who did not expect another partition , and the king , Stanisław August Poniatowski , who joined them near the end , both lost much prestige and support.\n", "\n", "Bayern's unstoppable force faces Juve's immovable defence \n", "\n", "accidentally opened my eyes during prayer at church and saw jesus doing the worm\n", "\n", "China replaces Xiao Gang as securities regulator head \n", "\n", "Wanna hear a joke? Sleep. I know, I don't get it either\n", "\n", "The two produced buttons as well as coffee mugs , t-shirts , bumper stickers and many other items emblazoned with the symbol and the phrase `` Have a happy day ''.\n", "\n", "The Mrs is just like Heather Mills. She only wears half the shoes she buys!\n", "\n", "It hit Mexico on the same day Hurricane Felix hit Nicaragua , only one of two occurrences in which an Atlantic hurricane and a Pacific hurricane made landfall on the same day.\n", "\n", "Amateurs wait for inspiration. The rest of us just get up and go to work.\n", "\n", "I just got back from the corner shop. Bought some corners.\n", "\n", "Why didn't Noah just swat those two mosquitoes?\n", "\n", "The template takes one parameter.\n", "\n", "Microdon adults look more or less like typical flies.\n", "\n", "Determined to keep his enemies close at hand , Burns rehires Homer , and all is back to normal.\n", "\n", "~swatting at rogue faerie buzzing about my face but too vigorously so I accidentally scratch my eyeball and fall backwards from my throne~\n", "\n", "Sugden appeared in many other television series , including The Liver Birds and Coronation Street.\n", "\n", "Amidst drop in oil prices, U.S. Navy deploys 'Great Green Fleet' \n", "\n", "Right after we broke up, my ex-girlfriend asked me how to change her relationship status on Facebook.\n", "\n", "For example , he explained that the reason that parents as a whole are more fertile than their children is because children must necessarily come from fertile parents.\n", "\n", "After 15 days the lichens were brought back to earth and were found to be in full health with no discernible damage from their time in orbit.\n", "\n", "Trump, Rubio likely targets in eighth Republican presidential debate \n", "\n", "Saudi Arabia 'not prepared' to cut oil production - AFP \n", "\n", "Suu Kyi meets Myanmar's military chief again as transition talks drag on \n", "\n", "My grandma caught me making a sex joke at her church bake sale so I hastily made up a fake innocent meaning for the slang phrase in it...anyway, sorry in advance to anyone she may ask to run a train on her famous elderberry muffin.\n", "\n", "I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He said \"How flexible are you?\". I said \"I can't make Tuesdays\".\n", "\n", "Millennium after split, pope and Russian church to meet in Cuba \n", "\n", "An Old Dog Barks Not In Vain\n", "\n", "What's green and smells of pork? Kermits finger.\n", "\n", "this is my moment\n", "\n", "By the early 1960s , television companies commonly presented half-hour long `` comedy '' series , or one hour long `` dramas . ''\n", "\n", "He even says , `` I was in love with love . ''\n", "\n", "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.\n", "\n", "Norton Internet Security held a 61 % market share in the US retail security suite category in the first half of 2007.\n", "\n", "Two years later the organization organized in Basel the first international bourse of coins.\n", "\n", "What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? My pad or yours.\n", "\n", "Syrian opposition says government wrecking truce deal \n", "\n", "They have two children.\n", "\n", "pixar ceo: remember guys, we work as a team. there is no \"i\" in pixar\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "employee: yes there is\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "pixar ceo: no there isn't\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "employee: *writes the word Pixar on a piece of paper and hands it to the ceo*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "pixar ceo: Oh my god.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "employee: yea-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "pixar ceo: murder it with a lamp\n", "\n", "What do an alcoholic and a necrophile have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one.\n", "\n", "Bond King musical chairs: Gundlach replaces Gross on Barron's Roundtable \n", "\n", "Asia's oil markets in upheaval as China, India change the game \n", "\n", "It is a cool season crop grown in many parts of the world ; planting can take place from winter through to early summer depending on location.\n", "\n", "Money does grow on trees! Banks have branches don't they?\n", "\n", "Many new words were either borrowed from or coined after European languages , especially English , Russian , German , and French.\n", "\n", "The Portuguese Man o ' War is often found with a variety of marine fish , including shepherd fish , clown fish and yellow jack , species that are rarely found elsewhere.\n", "\n", "should I feel intense shame and embarrassment about everything I've ever done or just most of the things\n", "\n", "1f u c4n r34d 7h15, u r34lly n33d 2 g37 4 l1f3.\n", "\n", "UK mortgage approvals hit two-year high, consumer credit growth strongest in a decade \n", "\n", "On the good days , Dylan would sing songs to him , and at the beginning Guthrie seemed to warm to Dylan . When the bad days came Guthrie would berate Dylan and it is said that on Dylan 's last visit Guthrie didn't recognize him.\n", "\n", "OPEC watching Iran, Russia, unlikely to cut output in June \n", "\n", "Ain’t clitoris that Nickelodeon show Ariana Grande was on?\n", "\n", "The first recorded use of silver as a color name in English was in 1481.\n", "\n", "COBE was the first experiment to measure '' ... the black body form and anisotropy of the cosmic microwave background radiation . ''\n", "\n", "My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension..She said she just couldn't take it any longer.\n", "\n", "Have you even tried purifying yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka, my good bitch?\n", "\n", "Thank goodness for electricity. Without it, we'd all be watching tv by candlelight.\n", "\n", "U.S. says not close to deal with China on North Korea at U.N. \n", "\n", "Charizard have two wings that are blue , while the back is orange like the most of its body.\n", "\n", "HELP just fell into the zoo's otter enclosure please send tiny cowboy hats asap\n", "\n", "A banana and a vibrator are lying on a bed. The banana turns to the vibrator and says; \"I don't know why your shaking, they're gonna eat me!\"\n", "\n", "Ahead of Chinese New Year, Xi pushes economic, military reform \n", "\n", "Syria bombs driving tens of thousands towards Turkey border, London conference told: \n", "\n", "'There are some signs of economic softness,' Apple CFO tells Reuters\n", "\n", "DID YOU HEAR FRANCE HAS A NEW NATIONAL FLAG? It is white with a white stripe and a white star!\n", "\n", "Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free. It's women who make it hard.\n", "\n", "Murder Will Out\n", "\n", "Hey guys, I make art and I set up a thing where you can buy happy huggy heart products if you feel like it or not it’s up to you really but yeah ok here it is thanks bye\n", "\n", "I went to the doctors with a strawberry growing on my bum. The doctor said \"I've got some cream for that\"\n", "\n", "Without ME, it's just AWESO.\n", "\n", "The first rule for those with a bad memory: 1)\n", "\n", "There is land for as many ploughs.\n", "\n", "So you're here for crap jokes? Well check this one out! one.\n", "\n", "New York police say assailants chanted 'ISIS' while beating man \n", "\n", "Support dips for Irish PM's party ahead of election: poll \n", "\n", "The World Meteorological Organization retired one name in the spring of 2001 : Keith.\n", "\n", "Called my boss, what's the different between work and your daughter. I will not be coming into work today.\n", "\n", "Dad: it’s time we had “the talk”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: oh, I already know about dancing the forbidden polka \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: the what? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: ya know, boppin’ squiddles??\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: excuse me \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: slaying the vadragon??\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: what?!?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: disappointing the wife \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: oh sex, right\n", "\n", "My wife bought one of these yesterday and I hate to break it to her but...\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores? \r\n", "\"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog\"\n", "\n", "Don't waste your money on anti wrinkle cream. I have been using it for six months. My balls still look like walnuts.\n", "\n", "Our house doesn't have enough electrical sockets. It's a real power struggle.\n", "\n", "Why do horses have such a low divorce rate? Because they're all in stable relationships.\n", "\n", "`` Priest '' , `` Mother 's Day '' , and `` Lullaby '' were originally recorded on his first CD A Little Bit Special.\n", "\n", "Over two thirds of Coburg 's population live in Coburg City.\n", "\n", "I work as a waiter. The pay isn't great but I put food on the table.\n", "\n", "The claw of a freshly caught lobster is full and fleshy , not atrophied.\n", "\n", "Water is gross, but necessary. Omg men are water\n", "\n", "[me as a judge]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*cry-eating my fourth corndog in bed* I hold myself in contempt\n", "\n", "U.S. mulls special ops mission to support Nigeria's Boko Haram fight \n", "\n", "I wish I could remember that joke I heard about Alzheimer's.\n", "\n", "62\t\r\n", "Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.\r\n", "19522523571\n", "\n", "Arizona does not observe daylight saving time.\n", "\n", "Rubio under attack as New Hampshire primary race heats up \n", "\n", "clerk: enjoy your new toaster with lifetime warranty \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: thanks *jiggles box* hey it’s broken \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "clerk: sorry no refunds \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: but you said lifetime warranty \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "clerk: yep *brandishes sword*\n", "\n", "I don't mean to be pedantic, but does anyone actually have the 'Ghostbusters' number?\n", "\n", "Hercules goes through the fire and retrieves the Torch , he throws it and it lands in Prometheus 's home waking him.\n", "\n", "I'm proud of my humility.\n", "\n", "This includes time to replace a failed disk mechanism as well as time to re-build the array.\n", "\n", "When I order a non-fat mocha please don’t tempt me with “don’t you want whipped cream?”\n", "\n", "House opens inquiry into deaths of drug-dependent newborns \n", "\n", "Saudi Arabia warns citizens against travel to Lebanon, citing safety \n", "\n", "i gave u a 12-year headstart, twitter\n", "\n", "[i wake up confused]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom\r", "\r", "\r\n", "KIDNAPPER: shit\n", "\n", "Every Why Has A Wherefore\n", "\n", "Grapes include Kékfrankos for red wine and Traminer for white wine.\n", "\n", "Protests intensify in Iraqi Kurdistan amid economic crisis \n", "\n", "Coe was born in Chiswick , London.\n", "\n", "DOCTOR: I'm afraid it's very serious. We're going to have to perform a colectomy.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Wh-what does that mean? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "DOCTOR: It means removing part of your colon. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME. Oh no!\n", "\n", "And yes I shall purchase this item\n", "\n", "Need a new book that will just blow your Mind? Read Twilight! You'll read a page and want to shoot yourself.\n", "\n", "It’s National Compliment Day. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "So here goes. \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", "*clears throat\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Some of you are not so bad.\n", "\n", "For Halloween this year I think I'm gonna go around to all the hospices and retirement homes and put up cemetery wallpaper.\n", "\n", "Last night, myself and three other gay men stood one foot away from a television and watched a 17 year old girl with a SHATTERINGLY perfect vibrato seamlessly switch from chest to mix to head voice and in that moment, we all finally understood sports culture. Eye opening!!!\n", "\n", "[old school record store]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: hi I’m here to return this Rolling Stones record and get it on a CD instead\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Clerk: sorry sir, all sales are vinyl\n", "\n", "Petroforms in the Whiteshell Provincial Park may be as old as 8,000 years.\n", "\n", "The name Kalganup is believed to be the Noongar word for ` place of many waters '.\n", "\n", "On 27 May 2008 , the company was transferred back into public ownership under the authority of Transport for London.\n", "\n", "Was on Yahoo! Answers and saw a question. \r\n", "\"How big is the specific ocean?\"\r\n", "I replied, \" Can you be more pacific? \"\n", "\n", "Fire on Mexico Pemex platform kills two workers, now under control \n", "\n", "Liebenwerda had a Water castle with a Keep called Lubwarttower.\n", "\n", "Google accounts show 11 billion euros moved via low tax 'Dutch sandwich' in 2014\n", "\n", "By the day after the storm , about 3,000 remained without electricity on the island.\n", "\n", "Hello from #aixenprovence https://www.instagram.com/p/By41C1ABUsU/?igshid=17mualv7kpwq0 …\n", "\n", "Each pair will make a sound of a slightly different pitch.\n", "\n", "On holiday with my wife and I cannot believe how tiny and revealing her bikini is. The colour suits me though.\n", "\n", "Islamist group kills 17 in twin blasts in Somali town \n", "\n", "MSX was the name of a standardized home computer architecture in the 1980s.\n", "\n", "I'm going to open a parachute company. Because anyone who would complain about my product is already dead.\n", "\n", "He changed his name from Neil Coal to Neil Diamond after a a huge amount of record company pressure.\n", "\n", "When The Devil Is Blind\n", "\n", "Whats small red and whispers? A hoarse radish.\n", "\n", "just saw a headline that said stomachs are in and boobs are out and i was like yeah, that’s the way bodies work dumbass\n", "\n", "Syrian refugee who charmed Rio with his snacks has eye on Olympics \n", "\n", "To Lay By For A Rainy Day\n", "\n", "Over the following two days , the system executed a counter-clockwise loop near the Azores.\n", "\n", "The stall stall: In public bathrooms, the act of remaining in a bathroom stall after having completed one's business, to maintain anonymity\n", "\n", " Brazil could waive U.S. dollar to bolster Iran trade - minister \n", "\n", "The name also suggests that they may have been descended from a family of blacksmiths.\n", "\n", "Slovakia's Fico expects to win March 5 vote and form government \n", "\n", "Just bought a book called 'The Art of Foreplay'.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I skipped the first few chapters.\n", "\n", "Yesterday I found out that my toaster isn't waterproof. I was shocked.\n", "\n", "I've just found out that the guy that stole my journal has died. My thoughts are with his family.\n", "\n", "What's Bill Clinton's favorite instrument to play? His whore Monica.\n", "\n", "[to my cheese wheel friend after he just did me a huge favor] gouda man\n", "\n", "It Takes All Sorts To Make A World\n", "\n", "My kid and I like to play this fun game where she says something I don’t understand, and then I have to guess what she’s talking about until we’re both crying.\n", "\n", "Shares gain on Yellen comments, reduced bank fears \n", "\n", "Irish government parties' support falls two weeks from election: poll \n", "\n", "Sucks how parents can't name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.\n", "\n", "Back at Thunderbolt 's trailer , Lightning 's true nature is revealed.\n", "\n", "Ukraine's biggest party to ask for no confidence vote on Tuesday \n", "\n", "Genma and Soun agreed years ago that their children would marry and carry on the Tendo Dojo.\n", "\n", "The strength of players like Brad Park , Jean Ratelle , Vic Hadfield and Rod Gilbert would still carry them through the playoffs.\n", "\n", "UK house price growth surges again in January - Halifax \n", "\n", "Teacher: pencils down, the question was solve for X\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *turns in paper that just says \"Gon give it to ya\"\n", "\n", "Rival camps bicker over teams for Syria peace talks: \n", "\n", "It takes me three tries to get it right on the first attempt.\n", "\n", "Ten dead, fifteen wounded in Istanbul blast: governor's office: \n", "\n", "One interesting twist is the Sambia tribe of New Guinea.\n", "\n", "if you get all four wahlberg brothers together you get a houseberg thank you\n", "\n", "Battered cod roe can also be bought within many fish and chip shops.\n", "\n", "ME: wanna catch a movie tonight?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: why, is it running?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: let me rephrase that: wanna marry me?\n", "\n", "Egypt orders arrest of Facebook administrator after unfaithful wives comments: \n", "\n", "Grade Digger: the chick who only talks to me for help with her classes.\n", "\n", "wiccan and juggalo are the same thing. they just announced it on the News\n", "\n", "The Heart That Once Truly Loves Never Forgets\n", "\n", "Once Is No Rule (Custom)\n", "\n", "Morrison and fellow UCLA student Ray Manzarek were the first two members of The Doors.\n", "\n", "Too Much Knowledge Makes The Head Bald\n", "\n", " A look at the elaborate outfits that shaped David Bowie's pop personas. \n", "\n", "lotta people telling me they “like me as a friend” in my dm’s rn\n", "\n", "Someone who eats their own food is a good cook, someone who laughs at their own jokes, is not funny.\n", "\n", "New Taiwan president's dilemma: to host or not to host the Dalai Lama? \n", "\n", "To Weep Over An Onion\n", "\n", "She said, \"You have a great day\" with a finality that made it clear she intended not to be a part of it.\n", "\n", "235 days , it leaves the pouch for the last time . The young Joey will permanently leave the pouch at around 235 days old , but will continue to suckle until it reaches 12 months of age.\n", "\n", "How does Nasa organize a party? They planet.\n", "\n", "Iran mocks Saudi offer to send ground troops to Syria \n", "\n", "The Mill Cannot Grind With The Water That Is Past\n", "\n", "little piggy: wee wee wee\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "daddy piggy: ffs I asked you before we left\n", "\n", "Hundreds of Aung San Suu Kyi allies form Myanmar's ruling party after decades of struggle: \n", "\n", "Democrat Sanders looks to prove minority appeal in Nevada \n", "\n", "Our Brazilian housekeeper is rubbish at making the beds. She's very tidy downstairs though.\n", "\n", "Britain has won the Davis Cup for the first time since 1936. Coincidentally, that's the last time anyone gave a fuck.\n", "\n", "The colonizing population may diversify rapidly to take advantage of all possible niches.\n", "\n", "Old Birds Are Not Caught With Chaff\n", "\n", "Swiss drop investigation of two men arrested in Geneva \n", "\n", "A contestant just accused me of being an unfair gameshow host. Point taken!\n", "\n", "Tried to look up blurry in the dictionary, but it wasn't very clear.\n", "\n", "Best Defence Is Offence\n", "\n", "New Year's Resolution: 1: Buy a padlock. 2: Find a person with Tunnel plugs( holes in their ear). 3: Lock it onto their ear. 4: Run.\n", "\n", "If you see your friend Jack on an airplane, don't say Hi to him.\n", "\n", "Great Barkers Are No Biters\n", "\n", "Longfellow often used allegory in his work.\n", "\n", "Friend: Did you just say \"the 𝑐𝑙𝑎𝑚 before the storm\"?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Yeah, you know, like \"the oyster before the moisture\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Friend: The what?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: The flounder before the downpour\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Friend: Please stop\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: A beluga whale in a moderate gale\n", "\n", "Uzbek woman says in court 'Allah ordered' her to sever child's head \n", "\n", "His name may refer to the scorpion goddess Serket.\n", "\n", "There are 24 Vice-Presidents , three Senior Vice Presidents and two Executive Vice Presidents.\n", "\n", "To Rob One's Belly To Cover One's Back\n", "\n", "When I’m not feeling well my husband will check on me to see if I’m still making dinner.\n", "\n", "What do you get hanging from apple trees? Sore arms.\n", "\n", "Confuse everyone by referring to the future as 'front in the day'\n", "\n", "Ousted Thai PM Thaksin's influence shows signs of waning \n", "\n", "The request line and headers must all end with.\n", "\n", "Virtual reality 'heroin cave' aimed at helping addicts kick habit \n", "\n", "Wanna hear a knock-knock joke? Okay, Two guys walk into a bar..\n", "\n", "In 1936 , Ruth Harkness became the first Westerner to bring back a live Giant Panda , a cub named Su-Lin who went to live at the Brookfield Zoo in Chicago.\n", "\n", "What do you call a leper in a jacuzzi? Stew.\n", "\n", "Millions of Iranians vote in the high-stake elections set to shape the post-sanctions era: \n", "\n", "My wife accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her things and left.\n", "\n", "self care is officially over we're doing drugs again\n", "\n", "Delayed ceasefire lets Russia keep bombing: \n", "\n", "My mate told me that his wife could do with losing a few pounds. So I mugged her.\n", "\n", "What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his butt.\n", "\n", "It was built in the sixth century BC , but was destroyed in the Great Fire of Rome during Nero 's reign.\n", "\n", "Differences in Islam play role in refugee crisis, says UK ex-foreign minister \n", "\n", "Let them be separated.\n", "\n", "When he appeared again , his hair had turned white , his back was bent , and his face worn.\n", "\n", "When I was 12 I saw a girl choke on a mozzarella stick in the cafeteria and the first thought I had was “damn how did I miss the mozzarella sticks”\n", "\n", "First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*\n", "\n", "I wish I was a bear, I'd be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?\n", "\n", "I just drank clearasil. It really hits the spot.\n", "\n", "The temperature reaches or exceeds 100 F on an average of 110 days during the year , including most days from late May through early September , and highs top 110 F an average of 18 days during the year.\n", "\n", "76)\n", "\n", "The title is based on the film Home Alone.\n", "\n", "Pope Francis became visibly annoyed when grabbed by a crowd in Mexico. \n", "\n", "Asked the wife to make me happy and sad at the same time. She told me that my dick was bigger than my brothers!\n", "\n", "Borrow money from pessimists, they don't expect it back.\n", "\n", "Museveni in early lead in Uganda election: electoral commission \n", "\n", "training my big boyfriend to introduce himself as “tara’s big boyfriend”\n", "\n", "Asia shares edge ahead with oil, pound slips \n", "\n", "Quote of the day: \"Whenever you're feeling powerless, remember that just one of your turds can shut down a whole swimming pool.\"\n", "\n", "Ten children stabbed outside school gate in southern China \n", "\n", "I once had a girlfriend who could look into the future. She left me before we met.\n", "\n", "Crush: what are u doing \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: laying in bed listening to music \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Crush: nice what kind\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: it’s memory foam \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Picasso\n", "\n", "Me: My name ends with an \"a\" not an \"e\".\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: It's just one letter. What's the big deal?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Sure, Boob. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: It's just one letter.\n", "\n", "Prosperity Makes Friends, And Adversity Tries Them\n", "\n", "Bout to do some comedaaayyyy\n", "\n", "At least 12 killed in suicide blasts in north Nigeria \n", "\n", "Many extremophiles fall under multiple categories.\n", "\n", "What does it mean if someone gives me half a peace sign?\n", "\n", "It took a long time for the cathedral to be built , and during that time tastes in architecture changed.\n", "\n", "`` The Knight in the Panther 's Skin '' has been translated into many languages.\n", "\n", "Dance presented with music may or may not be performed in time to the music depending on the style of dance.\n", "\n", "Mali Islamist group Ansar Dine claims attack on U.N. base \n", "\n", "What does the bar code in Banksy's new mural link to? Find out here: \n", "\n", "My mate is a professional jester, but he's currently out of work. He's nobody's fool!\n", "\n", "With days to go, rival camps bicker over teams for Syria peace talks \n", "\n", "China lands plane on one of its new island runways in the South China Sea: \n", "\n", "The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.\n", "\n", "The Prime Minister of New Zealand is New Zealand 's head of government consequent on being the leader of the party or coalition with majority support in the Parliament of New Zealand.\n", "\n", "Me: hey do you want your mind to be blown?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My dog: woof\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: we live on a ball\n", "\n", "If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.\n", "\n", "Trump thanks South Carolina \n", "\n", "Ignacio lost tropical characteristics August 19.\n", "\n", "The mail has became so slow that the seeds I ordered arrived in full bloom.\n", "\n", "This time , Pompey refused.\n", "\n", "Why don't chickens wear undies? Because their peckers are on their faces.\n", "\n", "He That Is Born To Be Hanged Shall Never Be Drowned\n", "\n", "I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.\n", "\n", "Zika crisis pressures Vatican to soften contraception stance \n", "\n", "When DES was approved as a federal standard in 1976 , a machine fast enough to test that many keys in a reasonable time would have cost an unreasonable amount of money to build.\n", "\n", "ants invade kitchens in the spring because it’s track and field season and they need your toothpicks to practice pole vaulting\n", "\n", "\"Are you a boy or a girl?\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[Ok so uh... if we go to this corner and leap, uh, crouch-jump at this angle, uh, we can skip picking s gender & that's going to save us a lot of time]\n", "\n", "Ankara 'shocked' by U.S. comments putting Kurdish YPG and Turkey in same basket: formin spox \n", "\n", "Watching a blonde with lipstick on her forehead, she must be making up hermind.\n", "\n", "Animals that live under human care are in captivity.\n", "\n", "however, please DO text that friend you’ve been meaning to catch up with y’all can cry about your lives together\n", "\n", "New Brooms Sweep Clean\n", "\n", "SOCIETY: Go to school, get a good job, get married.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Will I be happy?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SOCIETY: Oh heavens no, lol.\n", "\n", "A Thread Billionaires Living Large Among the Poor\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Income Inequality in the US continues to rise. Trump's comment against socialism gets a standing O by almost every politician at the SOTU & we are told we should rely on charity. Let's look at stats where our billionaires live\n", "\n", "My mate has a butler with a missing left arm, serves him right.\n", "\n", "therapist: you are your own worst enemy\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: undefeated baby\n", "\n", "Dating a girl from the zoo. She's a keeper.\n", "\n", "[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall\n", "\n", "Genes, bugs and radiation: WHO backs new weapons in Zika fight \n", "\n", "Maybe I won't get hired in some things.\n", "\n", "His lyrics loosen up enough to sing about skin creams and powder advertised as being able to lighten dark skin.\n", "\n", "In 1920 Blackpool Corporation took over the Blackpool & Fleetwood Tramroad Company gaining eight miles of track and three depots , two in Fleetwood and one in Bispham.\n", "\n", "Why can't the human ear detect a dog's whistle? Because dogs can't whistle.\n", "\n", "Why do Indians hate snow? It's white and it's on their land.\n", "\n", "Mr. Bazargan served as the first Iranian head of National Iranian Oil Company under command of Prime Minister Mossadegh.\n", "\n", "Workers evacuated at Brazil's Samarco mine after new mudslide \n", "\n", "Using a cup and a magazine to safely remove a boy from my apartment without killing them.\n", "\n", "Mexico, Central American countries OK plan for stranded Cubans \n", "\n", "The first 2009 Stock train entered passenger service on 21 July 2009 , and one new train will enter service every two weeks from early 2010.\n", "\n", "Do you know how much cocaine Charlie Sheen did last year? Enough to kill 2 and 1/2 men.\n", "\n", "Paddy in Wetherspoons: \"How much is your lager?\" Barman: \"£2 a pint and £7 a pitcher\" Paddy: I'll just have a pint, fuck the photo.\"\n", "\n", "Historically mills were powered by hand , working animal , wind or water.\n", "\n", " One U.S. service member killed, two wounded in Afghanistan: report \n", "\n", "Me as a teacher: ok who can tell me how to solve the problem on the board?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Student: it just says “I’m lonely”\n", "\n", "The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we'd never know. We'd never know.\n", "\n", "As Drunk As A Lord\n", "\n", "U.S. northern Midwest sees blizzards, tornadoes hit South \n", "\n", "HSBC keeps headquarters in London, rejects move to Hong Kong \n", "\n", "It was also a haven for Gallic rebels and the like , and so could not be left alone much longer.\n", "\n", "See also List of places in Thuringia.\n", "\n", "Thousands of migrants trapped in Greece as neighbors tighten restrictions \n", "\n", "This was the fourth time that the name Harvey had been used to name a tropical cyclone in the Atlantic and the sixth time worldwide.\n", "\n", "I like to lead by bad example.\n", "\n", "My love life is like a pack of cards, first it was all hearts and diamonds. Now I'm after a club and a spade!\n", "\n", "Forty percent of Germans want Merkel to resign over refugee policy: poll \n", "\n", "I just explained Google images to my mum: \"Pick anything to search for\" I told her. \"What about a nice cream pie?\" She asked\n", "\n", "Each of his parents was one of eight children.\n", "\n", "As the language was easier to learn , many Volapük clubs became Esperanto clubs.\n", "\n", " Justice Scalia was an \"extraordinary individual and jurist, admired and treasured by his colleagues\": Chief Justice Roberts\n", "\n", "The 1st century BC , also known as the last century BC or 1st century BCE started on the first day of 100 BC and ended on the last day of 1 BC.\n", "\n", "Hard water is generally not harmful to one 's health.\n", "\n", "Practise What You Preach\n", "\n", "It created much damage to area vessels.\n", "\n", "UPDATE: Tsunami warning lifted following major earthquake off Indonesia 's Sumatra island TVRI says quoting meteorolgical agency official\n", "\n", "How many McDonald's workers does it take to change a light bulb? None, because they can't climb the ladder.\n", "\n", "Recent strike targets Mosul 'cash collection point': U.S. military \n", "\n", "All Men Can't Be First\n", "\n", "U.N. to announce new round of Syria talks: envoy \n", "\n", "When I see people in camouflage I bump into them and say\"Whoa, sorry I didnt see you there\".\n", "\n", "Wife of U.S. pastor imprisoned in Iran hopes to reunite, rebuild marriage \n", "\n", "How do you get a fat woman in bed? Piece of cake\n", "\n", "Netanyahu seeks to expel families of Palestinian attackers: \n", "\n", "Did you hear? Sting was kidnapped! The Police still have no lead.\n", "\n", "You know that tingly feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.\n", "\n", "What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto!\n", "\n", "Heimskringla is the best known of the Old Norse kings ' sagas.\n", "\n", "There are an incredible number of lies people are trying to sell today to get people to look away from Trump's concentration camps. Let's dispense with one of the big ones: the idea that they can't be camps because the conditions inside are fine.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "That's a lie. People are dying.\n", "\n", "Betwixt And Between\n", "\n", "What Is Sauce For The Goose Is Sauce For The Gander\n", "\n", "Croatian minister for war veterans quits after six days \n", "\n", "Sarkozy draws presidential election spotlight with book \n", "\n", "In the case of asteroids , so many have been discovered that many will never be named by their discoverers.\n", "\n", "me: *tries to withdraw $70*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ATM: Insufficient funds. $69.69 remaining. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *in tears* ⁿᶦᶜᵉ\n", "\n", "Reasons why it doesn't matter that the people held in concentration camps at the border \"broke the law\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "1. They're human beings\r", "\r", "\r\n", "2. They're human beings\r", "\r", "\r\n", "3. They have had no trial, are not convicted of any crimes\r", "\r", "\r\n", "4. Even if they were, this would still be considered cruel, unusual\n", "\n", "How do you make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles \n", "\n", "Streets of Congo capital quiet at start of general strike \n", "\n", "I wander. No clue what's happening. Very little skills\n", "\n", "If more than 6 people gather anywhere in Oregon, it's either a drum circle or a heavily armed militia. No in between.\n", "\n", "He is believed to have lived in Thinis one or two centuries before the rule of the better known King Scorpion of Nekhen.\n", "\n", "No no no, you go first. It’s your water slide.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Officer: Ma’am this is a sobriety test. And that’s a storm drain.\n", "\n", "Kid: How come Dan & Anna don’t have kids?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Some people don’t have kids right away. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "K: Why? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: They don’t feel ready. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "K: Why?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Or they don’t want to have kids. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "K: Why Why Why Why Why Why WHY!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: You’re answering your own question.\n", "\n", "Number of anti-Semitic incidents in Britain falls \n", "\n", "me: [in tears, writing a song for my crush] \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "crush: omg thanks Brad will LOVE this\n", "\n", "\"The biggest problem with using the Internet is you never know if it's reliable or not\" -Abraham Lincoln\n", "\n", "Sanrio 's best known character is Hello Kitty , a white cat with red bow and no visible mouth , one of the most successful marketing brands in the world.\n", "\n", "The Draft took place live for three hours on WWE 's flagship program , Raw on USA Network.\n", "\n", "How do you kill a circus? Go straight for the juggler\n", "\n", "Lebanon presidency deadlock persists as Hariri stands by Franjieh \n", "\n", "FRIEND: Girls like a guy that’s a little mysterious. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[later]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DATE: Did you just fart?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: (winks) Maybe..\n", "\n", "What does a donkey proctologist do? Assesses ass' asses.\n", "\n", "It organises Reading Day every year.\n", "\n", "I’m sorry.\n", "\n", "A cop pulled me over today and said: \"papers\".. so i said: \"scissors, I win!\"\n", "\n", "\"El Chapo's\" lawyer has a thing or two to say about that interview with Sean Penn: \n", "\n", "Diligence Is The Mother Of Success (Good Luck)\n", "\n", "Chinese military force to take lead on cyber, space defense \n", "\n", "What so you call a teacher that's always late for school? Mr Bus.\n", "\n", "My friend's allergic to rice. He's basmatic.\n", "\n", "Malibu picked up three inches of snow - the first measurable snow in five decades.\n", "\n", "When you die on the toilet but you have 8 more lives\n", "\n", "Bush is the eldest son of President George H. W. Bush , who served as the 41st President , and Barbara Bush , making him one of only two American presidents to be the son of a preceding president.\n", "\n", "The good news is that I dethatched the lawn. The bad news is thats all the lawn is made of.\n", "\n", "someone please invent a peanut butter jar with a cap on each side so i can just flip it over instead of reaching for the bottom. i don’t even care about the patent. don’t pay me. just make this a thing.\n", "\n", "me when Thriller comes on: *stands up and takes off my hat*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "friend who took me to my first sporting event: no we only do that for the national anthem\n", "\n", "North Korea holding U.S. citizen for allegedly spying for South Korea: CNN \n", "\n", "To Be Born With A Silver Spoon In One's Mouth\n", "\n", "Putin is fanning Syrian civil war, Britain's Hammond says \n", "\n", "More holes than fingers? Beijing struggles to plug capital flight \n", "\n", "Sat down with my missus today and discussed if we wanted children? Should have seen the kid's faces.\n", "\n", "I used to be a schizophrenic. But we're okay now.\n", "\n", "Why'd The blonde get fired from The M&M factory? She threw away all The W's\n", "\n", "The sensor for an automatic door failed to detect my presence today but I didn't panic. I didn't worry. I rose into the sky and was free.\n", "\n", "No.\n", "\n", "It has been such a long time since I've thought longer than 140 characters.\n", "\n", "you gotta be a pretty repulsive sack of shit to claim superiority over anyone simply because your parents fucked on a different piece of dirt than theirs\n", "\n", "Oh I get it. Fun onions.\n", "\n", "Two men are killed , but one escapes and flees the woods.\n", "\n", "judge: show us on the doll where he hurt you\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *points to heart*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "jury: awww\n", "\n", "What do you call an abortion in Prague? A canceled Czech.\n", "\n", "Dunno if this has been done but oh well @steak_umm\n", "\n", "It makes sense why women hate premature ejaculation so much. Our whole lives we're taught that nothing worth having comes easy.\n", "\n", "Oil steadies below $32 as investors book profits: \n", "\n", "See modern designs.\n", "\n", "My friend Pete fell from his balcony and broke his back. So he had to sell his house to pay for his medical treatment. I don't want to ask much but if you send a few dollars or as much as you can, I’ll show you the video of him falling from the balcony it's fucking hilarious\n", "\n", "What do you do if your kids start smoking? Take them out of the oven.\n", "\n", "There really is no ladylike way to eat a jelly filled donut...\n", "\n", "Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies.\n", "\n", "Saudi Arabia says open to sending special forces into Syria \n", "\n", "Insight - In an uncertain world, Bank of England 'agents' keep Carney informed: \n", "\n", "The Receiver Is As Bad As The Thief\n", "\n", "YOU CAN'T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY\n", "\n", "Aston Martin revs its engines for a site in Wales to make new crossover DBX: \n", "\n", "Former Tepco execs indicted over Fukushima nuclear disaster: \n", "\n", "There are also two shops , a chemist , a Chinese take away , a butcher and a post office and florist.\n", "\n", "Playing Batman is basically jury duty for white male actors. Sit tight, you'll all get your turn.\n", "\n", "Energy CEO McClendon dies in Oklahoma car crash, a day after indictment \n", "\n", "I'm super lazy. It's like lazy, but I wear a cape.\n", "\n", "\"Mmm, Curry.\"\n", "\n", "The first challenges to the many anti-Viking images in Britain emerged in the 17th century.\n", "\n", "I’m trying to be more eco friendly, so I started recycling my tampon applicators.\n", "\n", "doctor: \"you got a lotta balls showing up here\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [also looking at my x-ray] \"that's bad right?\"\n", "\n", "Seven men lost their lives in the wreckage of several Cuban schooners at Punta Gorda.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the fella who had five cocks? His undies fit like a glove.\n", "\n", "Gentle reminder that you are enough. Well, except for water~ you don’t drink enough. But you’re so goddamn enough as a human, you beautiful dehydrated bitch.\n", "\n", "Second member of Islamic State execution cell identified as Briton - report \n", "\n", "Why proving Zika guilty is no easy task: \n", "\n", "See Terms of Use for details.\n", "\n", "Despite migration fears Eritrea won't shorten national service: \n", "\n", "Hawks Will Not Pick Hawks' Eyes\n", "\n", "During the late 1970s , the 1980s and early 1990s , New York City had a lot more crime than it does today.\n", "\n", "If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.\n", "\n", "Paris fugitive stayed in Brussels three weeks, newspaper says \n", "\n", "[blind date]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "date: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "date: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "date: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "date: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "date: so where do you buy your capes\n", "\n", "putting a period after a simple greeting is the equivalent of sighing heavily as you start a conversation \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"hey\" -benign\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"hey.\" -hope you're good at emotional labor\n", "\n", "Men 's hanbok saw little change compared to women 's hanbok.\n", "\n", "I had to quit my job at the shoe recycling factory. It was sole destroying.\n", "\n", "Better Be Envied Than Pitied\n", "\n", "What is the main cause of divorce? Marriage.\n", "\n", "*feeds a dingo to a baby* my my how the tables have turned\n", "\n", "How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans? Juan by Juan.\n", "\n", "How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. (Hint: They are small enough to fit inside).\n", "\n", "The writer Karl May was born in Ernstthal.\n", "\n", "Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.\n", "\n", "Why was Cinderella kicked off the football team?Because she kept running away from the ball.\n", "\n", "He is a prominent member of the Bush family : the younger brother of former President George W. Bush ; the older brother of Neil Bush , Marvin Bush and Dorothy Bush Koch ; and the second son of former President George H. W. Bush and former First Lady Barbara Bush.\n", "\n", "Yo mama is so desperate she had sex with me!\n", "\n", "Merlin Entertainments to be prosecuted over Alton Towers crash \n", "\n", "Holed up in Ecuador's embassy, WikiLeaks' Assange to win support from U.N. panel \n", "\n", "If Bin laden had a $25 million price tag on his head, I can't help but wonder what kind of turban he was wearing.\n", "\n", "Innuendo, an Italian suppository.\n", "\n", "A Fool At Forty Is A Fool Indeed\n", "\n", "Did you hear the one about the wooden car? With the wooden wheels? And the wooden engine? It wooden work\n", "\n", "It elects one Member of Parliament by the first past the post system of election.\n", "\n", "My sister just had a baby boy, they've decided to call him Mark, but with a C. Cark\n", "\n", "Most Britons back staying in EU, but opposition growing: poll \n", "\n", "Explosives, ammunition found near Turkish capital Ankara: local governor \n", "\n", "When I was young I used to think Earwigs actually lived in your ears! You can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches!\n", "\n", "All fields must be lowercase.\n", "\n", "My son gave me this heart right before he turned 5 and started school. \" I know you are sad that I'm turning 5, I will still be me now that I'm 4 but I'll be 5. Don't be scared that I'm going to school, put it in your car so when I'm not with you, you see it & know I love you.\"\n", "\n", "If you ever wondered what it's like to have a stalker just cancel Sirius XM radio.\n", "\n", "Tarred With The Same Brush\n", "\n", "Mexico reports fresh theft of radioactive material \n", "\n", "Your wife’s giving birth and you’re behind the curtain listening to a podcast about snakes\n", "\n", "The three most significant choreographers of the company were Fokine , Nijinsky , and Massine.\n", "\n", "Elections are only days away in Niger- but it won’t be polling day for everyone: \n", "\n", "Signatures must not contain categories.\n", "\n", "Water turbines are divided into two groups ; reaction turbines and impulse turbines.\n", "\n", "Doctoring the W.H.O. The World Health Organization tries to heal itself \n", "\n", "I think Ice T understands twitter better than almost anyone\n", "\n", "Daniel Handler , still under the name of Lemony Snicket , announced that he would write 4 more books that would be darker than his first series.\n", "\n", "My news years resolution this year is to give up sexual innuendos.But it's so hard..\n", "\n", "When they come out and flee , the dragon spots them and goes berserk.\n", "\n", "They represented divinities as well as subjects from contemporary life.\n", "\n", "Before marriage: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Let’s go wild and drink tequila out of each other‘s bellybutton!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Married, before kids: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Let’s go wild and sneak into a second movie at the theater!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Married with kids: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Let’s go wild and load the dishwasher from back to front!\n", "\n", "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.\n", "\n", " TWEET CALL \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "It's Friday and I just hit 3k! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I like puns - the groanier the better. Drop your favorite pun tweet or one from a friend - likes and RTs all around (for mostly-clean please). Have a puntastic weekend!!\n", "\n", "They also performed well on secondary and inter-regional services for many years.\n", "\n", "The town is one end point of the Murray to the Mountains Rail Trail.\n", "\n", "She is also the first Indonesian leader to be born after independence.\n", "\n", "Frustrated with Germany's asylum red tape, some Iraqis return home: \n", "\n", "Iran releases U.S. sailors after brief detention: \n", "\n", "They must be encased to contain the water pressure , or they must be fully submerged in the water flow.\n", "\n", "Oscar Pistorius files papers to appeal conviction for the murder of his girlfriend: \n", "\n", "What does a Polack use a \"rubber\" for? Seal-a-meal\n", "\n", "If loving you is wrong, I've probably loved you.\n", "\n", "Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *shyly lifts top*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Husband: no\n", "\n", "my daughter was drawing a picture of me sitting on the sofa. after half an hour patiently modeling for her she showed me the perfect drawing of an empty sofa. I tell her it's amazing\n", "\n", "Republican Rubio authors Senate bill to curb Cuban immigration benefits \n", "\n", "What did one math book say to the other? Man, I have problems. \n", "\n", "I arranged to meet someone last night for some No Strings Attached fun.. I was bitterly disappointed when Pinocchio turned up.\n", "\n", "Haste Makes Waste\n", "\n", "Gohar Shahi then married and had three children.\n", "\n", "All Is Not Lost That Is In Peril\n", "\n", "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all\n", "\n", "Hollande jeered at start of Paris farm show \n", "\n", "Well well well. If it isn’t that poor choice I can’t stop repeatedly making.\n", "\n", "I'm so proud of my hydration I don't even flush.\n", "\n", "For her , with my shadow , will make three people.\n", "\n", "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is a children 's television series , that premiered in prime time on Disney Channel on May 5 , 2006.\n", "\n", "What's the fastest type of cake? Scone\n", "\n", "Thai junta's intimidation of academics reveals insecurity: rights group \n", "\n", "Yehudi Menuhin was born in New York City , New York , to Bielorussian Jewish parents from what is now Belarus.\n", "\n", "China faces diplomatic 'crisis' over missing Hong Kong booksellers \n", "\n", "i’m watching Hackers for the first time, a thread:\n", "\n", "George Harri: here comes the son\r", "\r", "\r\n", "George Harrison: \n", "\n", "Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got.\n", "\n", "It proposes the 30 Seconds to Mars among the best new rock artists.\n", "\n", "NEVAEH: dad how did I get my name?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: well it's \"Heaven\" backwards because your mother and I think about Heaven a lot \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "LANA: what about me?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: uhhhh [sweating] just a random name\n", "\n", "Plan to keep Britain in EU hits 'pain threshold', says Merkel ally \n", "\n", "[job interview]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"What's your greatest weakness?\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Procrastination\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"Can you elaborate?\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*deep sigh* Can we not do this now?\n", "\n", "HSBC to pay $470 million to resolve mortgage servicing probe by U.S. government, states \n", "\n", "Knock! Knock!\r\n", "Who's there?\r\n", "Ach.\r\n", "Ach who?\r\n", "Bless you.\n", "\n", "Little by little , the devotion to the Sacred Heart became a separate one , and on August 31 , 1670 , the first feast of the Sacred Heart was celebrated in the Grand Seminary of Rennes.\n", "\n", "Someone very close to me died the other day. Luckily the bus wasn't full so I just changed seats.\n", "\n", "I got my heavy goods licence today. My wife prefers to call it a marriage certificate.\n", "\n", "I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird and not enough the bad luck of the early worm.\n", "\n", "My new years resolution is to stop using spray on deodorant! Roll on 2016.\n", "\n", "John Rolfe was one of the early English settlers of North America.\n", "\n", "nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "astronaut: moon's haunted\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "nasa employee: what? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon's haunted\n", "\n", "GUY SEEING SOMEONE WEARING THE VERY FIRST GLASSES: check out this audacious motherfucker over here with the face windows\n", "\n", "While driving the car on a cross country trip I decided to lose 120 pounds of ugly fat... I left my wife at a rest stop...\n", "\n", "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because seven was a six offender.\n", "\n", "Syrian opposition says it will meet U.N. envoy after he gave them a 'positive response': \n", "\n", "See Namespace for the full list of namespace numbers.\n", "\n", "Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?Because he had no body to go with.\n", "\n", "Today Lourdes has a population of around 15,000 but is able to take in some 5,000,000 pilgrims and tourists every season.\n", "\n", "While you're here, consider donating to @oceana (http://oceana.org/take-action ) to help save our oceans (and crabs)! And if you like jokes, check out some of my funny pals:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "@awhalefact\r", "\r", "\r\n", "@robfromonline\r", "\r", "\r\n", "@Skoog\r", "\r", "\r\n", "@Megatronic13\r", "\r", "\r\n", "@mostlysharks\r", "\r", "\r\n", "@KylePlantEmoji\r", "\r", "\r\n", "@TweetPotato314\r", "\r", "\r\n", "@LlamaInaTux\n", "\n", "What do cheap hotels and tight pants have in common? No ballroom.\n", "\n", "Obama: New gun control measures are legal, could save lives \n", "\n", "[Hoth Rebel Base]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "LEIA: How's Skywalker?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HAN: He was nearly frozen when I found him.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "LEIA: And, now?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HAN: Lukewarm.\n", "\n", "Facebook is like jail. You sit around and waste your time, you write on walls, and poke people you don't know.\n", "\n", "Dad: it’s time we had “the talk”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: oh, I already know about dancing the forbidden polka \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: the what? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: ya know, boppin’ squiddles??\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: excuse me \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: slaying the vadragon??\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: what?!?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: disappointing the wife \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: oh sex, right\n", "\n", "Sick of being so tired? Well there's a nap for that.\n", "\n", "Israel confirms it plans to seize a large tract of West Bank land: \n", "\n", "The kit today remains royal blue shirts , white shorts and white socks although when playing teams away who also wear white shorts Everton typically wear all blue.\n", "\n", "EU-British deal needed at summit this week: Czech prime minister \n", "\n", " Gaza's way of the ninja. \n", "\n", "I'd love to have a job cleaning mirrors. It's something I could really see myself doing.\n", "\n", "Jet lag is real. I’ve been told I shouldn’t nap today. I wonder how long this las... \n", "\n", "On Shank's Mare\n", "\n", "See http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/.\n", "\n", "ronald mcdonald: *walking into mcdonalds hq* where’s the guy who invented the mcsalad\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "employee: *in tears* ronald please\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ronald: *swinging bat* tell him he’s mcfucked\n", "\n", "Echidnas are one of the two types of mammals that lay eggs.\n", "\n", "What does one lesbian vampire say to the other? See you next month.\n", "\n", "But I have too much anxiety ''.\n", "\n", "gf: house hunting is so boring\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [unloading crossbow into wall] yeah there's not much of a challenge to it\n", "\n", "A jury of your peers is a completely misleading term since it's nearly impossible to find a dozen local kazoo enthusiasts who also enjoy stabbing.\n", "\n", "i love how LMFAO was absolutely huge, made bank off highly questionable themes, then went \"alright, that's our time!!!\" and fucked off and nobody knows who they are because they wore huge plastic glasses\n", "\n", "Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in his field.\n", "\n", "At his first court appearance , his detention was extended for eight days.\n", "\n", " oh no\n", "\n", "Iranian-British ex-BBC journalist is in Evin prison, relatives say \n", "\n", "[my papercut slowly heals over the course of two weeks]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ᶦ ᵃᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ᵂᵒˡᵛᵉʳᶦⁿᵉ\n", "\n", "ME: Can I buy you a drink?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: I have a boyfriend.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.\n", "\n", "Will all those who believe in pyschokinesis please raise my hand?\n", "\n", "Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.\n", "\n", "I still miss my ex-girlfriend, but my aim is improving\n", "\n", "From May to December 1840 Staunton edited a chess column for the New Court Gazette.\n", "\n", "The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell their body parts for money.\n", "\n", "the first rule of foo fight club is don’t be a monkey wrench\n", "\n", "Always remember that you're unique! Just like everyone else.\n", "\n", "Turkey, Greece seek NATO mission in Aegean: German official \n", "\n", "Have YOU had to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more? You could be entitled to compensation. Call the Pro Claimers NOW.\n", "\n", "When the two go out , the Countess returns and hides.\n", "\n", "How did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? \"I just need some space.\"\n", "\n", "What are the three most difficult years for an Aggie? Second grade.\n", "\n", "Too Much Water Drowned The Miller \n", "\n", "What is it like doing FIFA's top job? Less gravy train, more treadmill - \n", "\n", "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would a foot. \n", "\n", "Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery? When he found out, the guy went nut.\n", "\n", "HSBC 2015 profit nearly flat, sees bumpier environment ahead: \n", "\n", " Off\r", "\r", "\r\n", " Medium\r", "\r", "\r\n", " Low\r", "\r", "\r\n", " Off\r", "\r", "\r\n", " High\r", "\r", "\r\n", " Low\r", "\r", "\r\n", " Off\r", "\r", "\r\n", " Still Off\r", "\r", "\r\n", " Medium\r", "\r", "\r\n", " Jet Engine\r", "\r", "\r\n", " Off\r", "\r", "\r\n", " Medium\r", "\r", "\r\n", " Low\r", "\r", "\r\n", " High\r", "\r", "\r\n", " Off\r", "\r", "\r\n", "-ceiling fans\n", "\n", "If he has a lazy eye, he’s probably seeing someone on the side.\n", "\n", "What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew!\n", "\n", "kentucky fried big bird\n", "\n", "Spain's Socialist leader gears up for unlikely leadership bid \n", "\n", "Ladies, when you only have a few minutes to get ready for a night out, what literary device do you employ to support the thematic elements of your narrative\n", "\n", "The artist 's name at birth.\n", "\n", "Russian bombs take toll in Syria as Islamic State under pressure \n", "\n", "[1850 Farm]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Farmer: “Hand me the ox cord”\n", "\n", "How do you get a fat girl into bed? Piece of cake.\n", "\n", "Using little plastic dinosaurs and some fishline, I made a scene for my wife's car backup camera.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Now we wait.\n", "\n", "Awesome if literal: sex bomb\n", "\n", "EU leaders dismiss Greek threat to block summit deals over migrant crisis \n", "\n", "Hey guys, 5 more days to get your cool shirt and help save my dad if you want!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "GoFundMe Camaign:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "http://gofundme.com/let039s-get-this-kidney …\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Shirt Fundraiser:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "http://bonfire.com/lets-get-this-kidney …\n", "\n", "Lord Don't Slow Me Down was released on DVD on October 29 , 2007.\n", "\n", "Augustus H. Tulk , the first librarian , was appointed three months after the opening.\n", "\n", " Air Force Major General James Martin has recovered after fainting during Pentagon press briefing. \n", "\n", "If You Cannot Have The Best, Make The Best Of What You Have\n", "\n", "China shares tumble to 14-month lows as oil slips back \n", "\n", "It was one of the first three Nicktoons and also aired on Nick Jr. in 1995.\n", "\n", "What did the banana say to the vibrator? \"What are you shaking for?\" \"she's going to eat me!\"\n", "\n", "I wish I owned a pet dragon for the obvious reasons (finding and killing peppa pig)\n", "\n", "What a gorgeous day to walk around outside staring at my phone.\n", "\n", "Salt me like one of your French fries.\n", "\n", "When he says he may as well die as suffer the torments of his rejected love , Ilia confesses her love.\n", "\n", "Iraqi PM doubts any Iranian link with three missing Americans: \n", "\n", "I always wonder, \"how do they know where I live?\" when movie commercials say\"coming to a cinema near you\".\n", "\n", "me: deers\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "grammar: deer\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: why\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "grammar: because fuck you\n", "\n", "Who is saying what about Boris Johnson backing Brexit?\n", "\n", "Between The Cup And The Lip A Morsel May Slip\n", "\n", "Obama to proceed with court nominee despite Republican defiance \n", "\n", "Al Qaeda mourns death of top commander in Yemen \n", "\n", "I tell you what I love doing, trying to fit a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.\n", "\n", "Thousands march in Moscow to honour slain Kremlin critic Nemtsov \n", "\n", "If a dog wears a bikini, does the top have 2 triangles like a normal bikini or 6 to cover all of his nipples?\n", "\n", "It would take another four years until his parents allowed him to quit.\n", "\n", "China, Hong Kong stocks down after weak factory activity survey \n", "\n", "I heard that Apple was planning on an iPad Mini.. I thought they already had one? The iPhone.\n", "\n", "\r\n", "Don’t knock on death’s door. Hit the doorbell and run. He hates that.\n", "\n", "The Siamang is distinctive for two reasons.\n", "\n", "What music do chickens listen to? Bach\n", "\n", "The service was initially run as a trial from 15 May 2006 until becoming a full service on 1 December 2007.\n", "\n", "Red Cross delivers medical aid to Taiz, says 'breakthrough' in Yemen \n", "\n", "General alarm raised in Madrid airport after threat on Saudi flight: Aena Twitter \n", "\n", "Fool me once , shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on thee. Fool me 8 times , you're probably a woman.\n", "\n", "\"Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime.\" \"Was it something I said?\" Asks the son. \"Yes.\"\n", "\n", "U.S. Navy's Fort Worth LCS ship suffers gear damage in Singapore \n", "\n", "When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than letting him keep her.\n", "\n", "Conservatives call for truce in EU campaign\n", "\n", "U.S. calls on China to clarify status of booksellers \n", "\n", "To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket...You can hide, but you can't run.\n", "\n", "[after the apocalypse]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "white guy: we should start a podcast\n", "\n", "[on a first date]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: So do you like puppies?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Her: Oh I love them\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Ok, so we'll both have the puppies\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Waiter: Excellent choice, sir\n", "\n", "Another potential source of difficulties resides in the way certain calculated values are expressed.\n", "\n", "I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me. I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.\n", "\n", "To whoever invented the zero: thanks for nothing.\n", "\n", "Thousands of West Africans gain identity documents, 1 million still stateless: U.N. \n", "\n", "Dream big! Nap often.\n", "\n", "If I had a dollar for every time someone called my ex wife ugly...\r\n", "I would have stayed with her for the money.\n", "\n", "Because Amalthea is in synchronous rotation , Jupiter would not appear to move , and would be invisible from one side of Amalthea.\n", "\n", "Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequila!\n", "\n", "The Church of England soon followed suit.\n", "\n", "Haitian painter Edouard Wah was born to a Chinese father and Haitian mother.\n", "\n", "First Come, First Served\n", "\n", "when you try to be more positive but darkness follows you everywhere\n", "\n", "So I saw a magic tractor today. It was driving down the street and turned into a field.\n", "\n", "\"My career is in ruins!\" said the archaeologist.\n", "\n", "Malaysia's new Twitter police target critics of PM Najib \n", "\n", "I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.\n", "\n", "On the way to work I crashed my car into the back of another, a dwarf got out and said 'I'm not happy!!'I said 'well which one are you then?'\n", "\n", "Mobiles banned from FIFA voting booths to ensure secrecy \n", "\n", "Stone tools were made from a variety of different sorts of stone.\n", "\n", "When the disciples ate Jesus’ body it was a miracle. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "When I do it, I'm a \"cannibal\" and “need to be locked up”\n", "\n", "The covers for the later Give Yourself Goosebumps series were done by Craig White.\n", "\n", "To Make The Cup Run Over\n", "\n", "Britain puts green bank up for sale \n", "\n", "The three campuses of Rutgers are in New Brunswick and Piscataway , Newark and Camden.\n", "\n", "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.\n", "\n", "ME: [constantly desperate for attention]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ALSO ME: lol no not from u\n", "\n", "I can't believe it's pancake Tuesday again. Honestly, it just crêped up on me.\n", "\n", "My favourite piece of IMDB trivia is that January Jones has been romantically linked with two men with pork-based surnames: Jon Hamm in Mad Men and Kevin Bacon in X-Men: First Class.\n", "\n", "I love it when the writers WRITE all this and then blame Petra. #youwrotethefruitbasket!\n", "\n", "Knock, Knock. Who's there? Adder. Adder who? Adder big breakfast this morning.\n", "\n", "Guy: *sends dick pic*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: do you seriously not have sheets on your bed good god get it together man we’re not in college\n", "\n", "To Carry Coals To Newcastle\n", "\n", "me: how bad is it \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[later]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: what did the doctor say\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: linda....i’m dying\n", "\n", "The picture on your lockscreen is the modern version of a picture in a locket. That's why I wear my phone on a gold chain around my neck\n", "\n", "'Affluenza' teen to drop fight against Mexico deportation: source \n", "\n", "Afghan appeal after ex-governor kidnapped in Pakistani capital \n", "\n", "An Arab offered me 40 camels for my wife. Unfortunately, I don't smoke.\n", "\n", "General Motors to face trial over recalled ignition switch \n", "\n", "Eritrea looks to build mining sector to kick-start economy \n", "\n", "70,000 can’t be TEETH?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "W R O N G\n", "\n", "During the last ten days of Ramadan , larger mosques within the Muslim community will host i ` tikaf , a practice in which at least one Muslim man from the community must participate.\n", "\n", "I bet at the end of Superman vs Batman they become great friends and do things like wine tasting together.\n", "\n", "René Angélil, husband of singer Celine Dion, dies at the age of 73: \n", "\n", "An Ass In A Lion's Skin\n", "\n", "What's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe\n", "\n", "I went to the supermarket to buy some ingredients to make soup, but they were out of stock.\n", "\n", "U.S. accuses China of raising tensions with apparent missile deployment: \n", "\n", "What do fat chicks and brick walls have in common? They both get laid by Mexicans.\n", "\n", "New York inmate given the maximum sentence for daring prison escape last year: \n", "\n", "296-8 : War with Rome.\n", "\n", "He wrote the first work to be called an opera today , Dafne , and also the first opera to have survived to the present day , Euridice.\n", "\n", "Tunisia police protest over pay in new test for government \n", "\n", "Strong U.S. industrial output bolsters growth picture \n", "\n", " EgyptAir mechanic suspected in Russian plane crash. \n", "\n", "Many modern theories of the origin of life still take Oparin 's ideas as a starting point.\n", "\n", "Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups? Because they can't even.\n", "\n", "WWE has also noted that Stone Cold Steve Austin has agreed to star in three movie deals , the first being The Condemned.\n", "\n", "Aleppo offensive has uprooted hundred of families and killed three humanitarian aid workers: U.N. \n", "\n", "It is long with a tail of.\n", "\n", "The best housewarming gift is fire.\n", "\n", "WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: {drinking toast} Why?\n", "\n", "customer: can we get a plate of french fries for the table?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: (first day as a waiter) ahh i don't think we're allowed to feed the tables\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "boss: can i talk to u for a sec\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: what's up\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "boss: ur doing a great job. i want those tables to starve.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between a hamburger and a prostitute? A hamburger is better with cheese.\n", "\n", "Me: Jim's coming for dinner\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: Jim from work or Jim who doesn't understand chicken broth?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Jim: [walking in] wait do i smell meat tea\n", "\n", "[spelling bee]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Judge: your word is \"restaurant\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *lips on mic* can you go fuck yourself\n", "\n", "Sure my tweets suck, but I'll be dead one day.\n", "\n", "Two large samples of Spanish children were assessed with a 30-year gap.\n", "\n", "He That Mischief Hatches, Mischief Catches\n", "\n", "What do you call the first Irish woman ever created? The McRib.\n", "\n", "[Last Supper]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Jesus:\"We need 13 chairs please\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Judas:\"But chairs don't fall into common usage until the 16th century AD\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Jesus:\"AD?\"\n", "\n", "[mcdonalds]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cashier: what can we get started for you\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *sets lawnmower on counter*\n", "\n", "[at Jurassic park]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "TOUR GUIDE: *finishing an immaculate 15 minute presentation on the preservation of the park’s wildlife* any questions?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *crunching on an apple* ya how big is a brontosaurus dick\n", "\n", "The new spa complex out of town is called Therme Bad Wörishofen.\n", "\n", "My girlfriend thinks I'm too nosy, well she didn't say it, but I read it in her diary.\n", "\n", "D.A.M.N. - Naked Mothers Against Dyslexia\n", "\n", "Jordanian forces kill 7 Islamist militants in Irbid: security source \n", "\n", "Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air! But then I think, how would I catch them?\n", "\n", "In a thousand years, archaeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people for punishment.\n", "\n", "Why do ghosts love elevators? Cause they lift their spirits.\n", "\n", "Leaves Without Figs\n", "\n", "See for a version that provides a link to the unit as well.\n", "\n", "The jumper I got for Xmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one. Free of charge.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on some chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.\n", "\n", "Their first son Gabriel was born on July 12 , 2003 and their second son Dillon was born on August 14 , 2007.\n", "\n", "What's a Jewish dilemma? Free Ham.\n", "\n", "My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I'm going to miss him.\n", "\n", "North Korea appears to have tested sub-launched missile: South Korean media \n", "\n", "Doctor: You have Twitter wrist.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Is it tweetable?\n", "\n", "The area is one of the largest shopping districts in New England.\n", "\n", "Murtagh becomes Eragon 's new companion.\n", "\n", "Six Canadians killed in Burkina Faso attack, PM Trudeau says \n", "\n", "Haiti opposition lawmaker chosen as interim president to fill power vacuum \n", "\n", "Miss piggy goes to the doctors;\"Doctor why is it that every time I have my ladies week, I end up with a frog in my throat?\"\n", "\n", "The Evils We Bring On Ourselves Are Hardest To Bear\n", "\n", "The Best Fish Smell When They Are Three Days Old\n", "\n", "As I watched the dog chase his tail, I thought \"Dogs are easily amused.\". Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.\n", "\n", "Drunkenness Reveals What Soberness Conceals\n", "\n", "The canonical writings of the New Testament , as well as other written sources from the Early Church , provide some insights into James ' life and his role in the Early Church.\n", "\n", "Netanyahu's wife abused household staff, Israeli court finds \n", "\n", "The female is 9.5-11 centimetres long.\n", "\n", "dr: we had to remove your colon\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me why\n", "\n", "There Is No Rule Without An Exception\n", "\n", "Apparently our local Police station has had it's toilet stolen. Police have nothing to go on.\n", "\n", "Why did the Baker have brown hands? Because he kneaded a poo.\n", "\n", "Of course it's in the last place you look. You're not gonna keep looking after that..right?\n", "\n", "The New American Bible is a Catholic Bible translation first published in 1970.\n", "\n", "My maths teacher called me average. How mean!\n", "\n", "Opinions are like assholes: I want a taste of Ruth Bader Ginsburg's\n", "\n", "Signs of life after Taiwan quake as eight-year old girl is pulled from the rubble. \n", "\n", "China seeks to stabilize yuan, stocks still fragile \n", "\n", "Dr. Diane Levin , professor of education at Wheelock College in Boston and co-author of the book So Sexy So Soon : The New Sexualized Childhood and What Parents Can Do to Protect Their Kids , believes child waxing to be bad because it tells girls to `` keep your bodies like little girls ' because that 's what men like . ''\n", "\n", "The name Kameyama comes from the location of his tomb.\n", "\n", "NATO allies launch sea mission against people-smugglers: \n", "\n", "How many curves until I’m just fat? Asking for me.\n", "\n", "President Obama's final State of the Union address \n", "\n", "She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, \"Am I too late for the garbage?\" Following her down the street I yelled, \"No, jump in!\"\n", "\n", "Maldives opposition leader jailed on terrorism charges \n", "\n", "Ok but why the fuck is there a doctor and a vet in Peppa Pig?\n", "\n", "Catalonia puzzle weighs on Spain's political pacts \n", "\n", "London Calling? ICE’s Sprecher eyes options: \n", "\n", "blue jean baybay\r", "\r", "\r\n", "LA baybay\r", "\r", "\r\n", "seamstress for the baybay...\n", "\n", "Can you spot the new friend I made today? \n", "\n", "Don't Put All Your Eggs In One Basket\n", "\n", "Twins might best be described as womb-mates.\n", "\n", "Megan Martha `` Meg '' White is an American drummer best known as one half of the Detroit rock duo The White Stripes , with her ex-husband Jack White.\n" ] }, { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "\n", "A kitchen knife and a spoon had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.\n", "\n", "My mate just came fourth in a Body-Snatching contest. I told him \"It's not the winning, it's the taking parts that counts\"\n", "\n", "Wealthy donors drawn to Rubio White House bid after Bush drops out \n", "\n", "Russia gets a cold; ex-Soviet neighbours catch pneumonia: \n", "\n", "IGN also said that Meowth would make a good choice as a playable character in Super Smash Bros..\n", "\n", "Malaysia says arrests 7 Islamic State-linked militants suspected of planning attacks \n", "\n", "Why are cars faster than motorcycles? Because motorcycles are two tired.\n", "\n", "Ladybird , ladybird , fly away home Your house is on fire and your children are gone All except one , and that 's Little Anne For she has crept under the warming pan . In parts of Northern Europe , tradition says that one 's wish is granted if a ladybird lands on oneself.\n", "\n", "UPDATE: Syria cessation of hostilities agreement comes into effect.\n", "\n", "Two cows in a field, one says \"moooooooooooo\". The other cow says \"Damn.. I was gonna say that!\"\n", "\n", "reasons to dm me: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "-we’re both cute\r", "\r", "\r\n", "-we’re both lonely \r", "\r", "\r\n", "-we’re both gonna get wrecked by climate change literally any day now \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "reasons not to dm me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- ??????\n", "\n", "If I asked you to sleep with me, Yes or No. Would the answer to that question be the same as the answer to this one?\n", "\n", "I can't really hear anything: Volume One\n", "\n", "The settlement was founded by reason of two old merchant roads crossing nearby , as well as a ford crossing the river Ems.\n", "\n", "In October 2008 , Pepsi announced that it would be redesigning its logo and re-branding many of its products by early 2009.\n", "\n", "His first two operas , Almira and Nero , were produced in 1705.\n", "\n", "Proper saddle care can extend the useful life of a saddle , often for decades.\n", "\n", "Better Unborn Than Untaught\n", "\n", "Central Europeans need to do more to help refugees, U.N. agency says \n", "\n", "good cop: did u kill my partner\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "criminal: i ain't tellin u nothin\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ghost cop: *tries to slam fists on the table but they go straight through* did u fucking kill me or not\n", "\n", "The water should be completely changed every two weeks.\n", "\n", "Pakistan arrests 97 al-Qaeda and other militants; foils planned jailbreak \n", "\n", "The Forester enters and lies down against a tree for a nap.\n", "\n", "LATAM Airlines offers refunds to pregnant travellers to Zika-hit region:\n", "\n", "A third of the way through the final season , the two time lines will be `` solidified into one '' and `` will be very linear - no more flashbacks , nothing . ''\n", "\n", "I saw this quote and I thought it was funny, \"always remember me.\"-anonymous\n", "\n", "Nobody would have dreamed of calling himself an atheist . ''\n", "\n", "Girl: do you have protection?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I have a bow and arrow\n", "\n", "Whoever said that I can't cook obviously hasn't tasted my cereal.\n", "\n", "Just heard that Little Mix are playing Liverpool in December. They are expected to win 3-0.\n", "\n", "Australia to boost defense spending by $21 billion, buy 12 new submarines \n", "\n", "Curiosity was the straw that killed the camels cat so dont count ur chickens until u put all ur eggs in one basket because a bird in the hand is worth two with one stone and a penny saved is worth 1000 words but early to bed early to rise catches the worm until the fat lady sings\n", "\n", "in retrospect i dont blame that pizza delivery guy for getting upset that my signature is a photo realistic, depth shaded drawing of a dying oak tree that takes 45 minutes to complete.\n", "\n", "Twitter reacts to news of film villain, fan hero Alan Rickman's death: \n", "\n", "Like , this one lets you know the date , time , and the amount of articles on Wikipedia.\n", "\n", "Therefore , like many other female writers , Austen published anonymously.\n", "\n", "The Road To Hell Is Paved With Good Intentions\n", "\n", "[reads a tweet with 3 likes]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "heh *keeps scrolling*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[same exact tweet with 50k likes]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "well bend me over and slap me sideways this is the funniest thing ever i am laughing out loud to the point that i am in fact screaming\n", "\n", "My kid: what were you like when you were a kid?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\n", "\n", "Him: how are you doing?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, worried that I talk about myself too much: THERE IS A TYPE OF ANT THAT CAN DETONATE ITS OWN HEAD AS A FINAL ACT IN BATTLE\n", "\n", "Twitter 10k? Twitterati say save it for 'War and Peace' \n", "\n", "“Brunch” is American for French toast\n", "\n", "At least 42 migrants, including 17 children, drowned when their boat capsized off a Greek island: Coastguard\n", "\n", "What's worse than a joke about shit? A joke about shit that's corny.\n", "\n", "After Rain Comes Fair Weather\n", "\n", "What's behind the global stock market selloff? \n", "\n", "There are countless films without dracula in them..\n", "\n", "At one time , he received a seven-inch gash in his leg.\n", "\n", "U.S. weighs options to speed Iraq's fight to retake Mosul \n", "\n", "Ukraine investigates Coca-Cola and Pepsico over Crimea map row: MP \n", "\n", "Scheel was born in Solingen.\n", "\n", "not all heroes wear capes - some wear sweaters or jackets tied around their waist because they unexpectedly started their period.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will be a pizza history.\n", "\n", "When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.\n", "\n", "If you practice martial arts with numbchucks it feels like someone else is doing it\n", "\n", "Iran says oil exports still constrained post-sanctions \n", "\n", "Those stairs move so fast! They slipped right out from under me.\n", "\n", "Therefore , goes the theory , there must be something about glass that repels lightning.\n", "\n", "I tried to throw away my yo yo, it was freaking impossible.\n", "\n", "Europe's soccer body opens disciplinary proceedings over Putin tribute: \n", "\n", "I'm happy. Don't ruin it by talking to me.\n", "\n", "Why were Helen Keller's fingers purple?She heard it through the grapevine.\n", "\n", "Senior German official denies media report on 3.6 million refugees by 2020 \n", "\n", "CDC issues guidelines for pregnant women during Zika outbreak: \n", "\n", "Gunman ambushes Philadelphia policeman 'in the name of Islam' \n", "\n", "Follow the gun, save the elephant: \n", "\n", "What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.\n", "\n", "A Hedge Between Keeps Friendship Green\n", "\n", "Shoot for the moon. If you miss, reload and fire again. The moon must be stopped at all costs.\n", "\n", "U.S. Powerball fever grips ticket buyers with prize at $1.4 billion \n", "\n", "Herodotus said that Homer lived 400 years before his own time , which would place him at around 850 BC ; but other ancient sources gave dates much closer to the supposed time of the Trojan War.\n", "\n", "FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "FRIEND: Sure\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris\n", "\n", "What do you call a lesbian Eskimo? A Klondike\n", "\n", "I wrote about the weirdness of intimacy orgies and eye fuckery for @VICE\n", "\n", "Obesity doesn't run in my family, the problem is no one does.\n", "\n", "Haiti's leader vows to leave power on Sunday as protests intensify \n", "\n", "Quake of magnitude 6.3 strikes off Papua New Guinea \n", "\n", "What does it taste like when you go down on a old lady? Depends...\n", "\n", "There are two forms of beta decay , β and β + , which respectively give rise to the electron and the positron.\n", "\n", "Security officials, protesters clash during Pakistan strike \n", "\n", "My wife told me she wanted the body of a stripper, but she screamed when I brought her one.\n", "\n", "Reicha was born in Prague.\n", "\n", "White House declines comment on Johnson Controls deal to buy Ireland-based Tyco: \n", "\n", "Me: has glasses \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bully: 4 eyes!! Look he has glasses \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: count my eyes \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bully: 1 2 3 4 \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Optometrist: bad news kid, you need glasses \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bully: wait no it was a joke \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Optometrist: pin him \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *pins bully* \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Optometrist: *forcing glasses on him*\n", "\n", "What type of blood does a keyboard have? Typo\n", "\n", "A pair which has repeatedly failed in breeding attempts may split and look for new mates.\n", "\n", "John Campbell `` Jack '' Ross was at the time of his death Australia 's oldest man and the last Australian veteran of the First World War.\n", "\n", "Ancient Chinese Proverb: Man who run behind car get exhausted.\n", "\n", "Six militants who attacked Indian air base now dead: minister: \n", "\n", "How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only two, but they have to be really small.\n", "\n", "Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other is the husband.\n", "\n", "Families often celebrate Independence Day by hosting or attending a picnic or barbecue and take advantage of the day off and , in some years , long weekend to gather with relatives.\n", "\n", "What do you call a man who comes in through the letter box?Bill.\n", "\n", "Frankie is nOT IN THE DAMN BAND\n", "\n", "Pakistan Taliban commander vows more school attacks in video \n", "\n", "She sells sea shells by the sea shore..Surely that's the worst possible place to try and sell shells..\n", "\n", "Looks like my do absolutely nothing and get filthy rich plan isn't working.\n", "\n", "I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.\n", "\n", "Went to a swinger's party last night in my army uniform. Had to leave my khakis in the bowl.\n", "\n", "Why don't North Koreans go to heaven? Because they have no Seoul\n", "\n", "Saw a guy named Howard and he didn’t have a mustache.\n", "\n", "I say the right things, to the wrong people.\n", "\n", "In windmills wind energy is used to turn mechanical machinery to do physical work , like crushing grain or pumping water.\n", "\n", "Went to a butchers to play poker last week. Left after an hour, the steaks were too high.\n", "\n", "if there are no whales in animal crossing switch we riot\n", "\n", "Vale fans stood for the last time on Lorne Street at the end of the 1997-98 season , with the stand being demolished before work began on a new # 3,000,000 structure.\n", "\n", "I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught.\n", "\n", "U.S.-led coalition aims to recapture ISIS 'caliphate' in Iraq, Syria \n", "\n", "Gulfport is also the East Coast home to the US Navy Seabees.\n", "\n", "In a second-hand bookshop and an unbidden old lady tried to hand me a dusty tome as though I'm unfamiliar with how cursed objects work.\n", "\n", "Militant in Islamic State video believed to be British bouncy castle salesman: \n", "\n", "Among White House hopefuls, Trump least likely to hit 'follow' button on Twitter \n", "\n", "Tourist boat sinks off Nicaraguan island killing 13 Costa Ricans \n", "\n", "I like putting notes on peoples windshields saying I smashes their car and did an amazing job fixing it.\n", "\n", "Three Palestinians shot dead after carrying out attack in Jerusalem: police \n", "\n", "I just got back from a very emotional wedding.. Even the cake was in tiers.\n", "\n", "In India, govt aid helps carmakers go green and cheap to fight smog crisis \n", "\n", "Teach your child to Just Say No to men\n", "\n", "Bourbon vessel attacked off Nigeria, two kidnapped \n", "\n", "COACH: Hold that football like you'd hold a woman!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Got it. *holds the football at an emotional distance, afraid of being hurt again*\n", "\n", "He was the youngest of eight children , born into one of the most prominent and wealthy families in the Austro-Hungarian empire.\n", "\n", "What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.\n", "\n", "I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. Sadly, no pun in 10 did.\n", "\n", "FTSE bounces back after Tokyo treat for markets: \n", "\n", "EU's Tusk says 'extra mile' needed for reform deal with Britain: \n", "\n", "Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?\n", "\n", "Why doesn't Spiderman like rice? It reminds him of Uncle Ben.\n", "\n", "this paper straw tastes like maybe I don’t love baby turtles\n", "\n", "Why did the banker dump his girlfriend? He lost interest. \n", "\n", "Before 1,000 Hours was released , the band dropped the name Sweet Children , according to Livermore this was done to avoid confusion with another local band Sweet Baby.\n", "\n", "To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between Jews and Christians? Jews get really angry, but Christians just get a little cross.\n", "\n", "Hallmark Card: \"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here.\"\n", "\n", "China Q4 growth weakest since 2009 as policy misstep fears grow \n", "\n", "My wife said our marriage is becoming stale because I'm not spontaneous. So I waited until she fell asleep and shaved her eyebrows off.\n", "\n", "What do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?\n", "\n", "Kid: If the dinosaurs were still here they'd kill all the people.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, watching plastic pollution slowly destroy the earth: They still might.\n", "\n", "Why did the traffic light turn red? You'd turn red too if you had to change in the street. \n", "\n", "Other thing she left:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- me... to pack up her house... while she goes and gets a massage instead . \n", "\n", "French teacher to stand trial over charges of making up Islamic State attack \n", "\n", "Zimbabwe's Mujuru launches new political party to challenge Mugabe \n", "\n", "In 2003 he was ranked 10th on Rolling Stone magazine 's `` Rolling Stone 's 100 Greatest Guitarists of All Time ''.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 pounds.\n", "\n", "Never get behind the Devil in a Post Office queue..For the Devil has many forms.\n", "\n", "Senate confirms Dr. Robert Califf to lead FDA \n", "\n", "Miller 's return to Ibrox means he is one of only a few players to cross the Old Firm divide twice.\n", "\n", "From 1971 , the name Papua New Guinea was used for the Australian territory . On 16 September 1975 , Australia granted full independence to Papua New Guinea.\n", "\n", "you don’t get to decide when you move onto the next phase of your life, lorde does\n", "\n", "Ich komm uneingeladen auf deine Party in diesem Kostüm und sag „das Licht war an“.\n", "\n", "Needs Must When The Devil Drives\n", "\n", "It is compiled every Wednesday by U.S.-based music sales tracking company Nielsen Soundscan , and published every Thursday by Jam !\n", "\n", "The only time incorrectly isn't spelled incorrectly is when it's spelled incorrectly.\n", "\n", "Digging a girl.. With a shovel.\n", "\n", "Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.\n", "\n", "Johnson & Johnson must pay $72 million for woman's cancer death linked to talcum powder\n", "\n", "Woke up with a penny stuck to my ass. That seems like a fair price.\n", "\n", "Trump takes South Carolina, Clinton wins Nevada \n", "\n", "Spent all my savings on a sexchange. Now I haven't got a sausage.\n", "\n", "UK watchdog sounds warning note over spread betting sales \n", "\n", "One newton metre is equal to the torque resulting from a force of one newton applied perpendicularly to a moment arm which is one metre long.\n", "\n", "A Little Bit Special is the first album recorded by comedian Stephen Lynch.\n", "\n", "My penis was in a world record book once. Until the librarian told me to take it out.\n", "\n", "Who said nothing is impossible, i have been here doing nothing for the last hour.\n", "\n", "Me: if you love someone set them free\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: where’s the baby?\n", "\n", "Nightingales Will Not Sing In A Cage\n", "\n", "her: not what i meant by wrap it up before sex \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: oh good the bow is cutting off my circulation\n", "\n", "boss: John, we’re gonna have to let you go\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: oh no is it the-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "boss: *nods* it’s the herb puns, John\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ugh every thyme\n", "\n", "Where do naughty rays of light go? Prism \n", "\n", "He found a clam! A CLAM!!!\n", "\n", "One legend holds that the heroic ruler Theseus invented a form of boxing in which two men sat face to face and beat each other with their fists until one of them was killed.\n", "\n", "I've just been on a positive thinking course. It was crap.\n", "\n", "Most victims of Istanbul suicide attack were German tourists: \n", "\n", "Autopsies indicated the three women had been thrown into the water while still alive.\n", "\n", "Things are always easier said than done..Except for talking, that's pretty much the same really.\n", "\n", "Do you think if I charged my phone less it would do the same?\n", "\n", "Why do sharks swim in salt water? Because pepper water makes them sneeze.\n", "\n", "Post-Dieselgate, Volkswagen retools itself for faster ride \n", "\n", "He has won 24 doubles titles , including the 2001 US Open and the 2005 Australian Open , both with Wayne Black.\n", "\n", "Sometimes pain is just nature's way of telling you that you're the nail instead of the hammer.\n", "\n", "Oh, I see you like bad girls, I say as I lick the cheese off my Dorito and place it back in the bag.\n", "\n", "U.S. will support efforts to resolve political chaos on Libya: White House \n", "\n", "South Africa maintained its white supremacist-like Apartheid system until the early 1990s.\n", "\n", "My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go she goes shopping.\n", "\n", "All common water machines until the late 19th century were basically reaction machines ; water pressure head acted on the machine and produced work.\n", "\n", "This Hot Pocket sleeve says “crisp and carry” as if anyone who eats one is walking around brandishing it proudly while eating it, instead of finding a dark empty alley to eat it where no soul can see, like I’ll be doing\n", "\n", "Then this template needs no parameter.\n", "\n", "me: I want to wish for someone to fall in love with me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "genie: okay\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: how many wishes do I have left?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "genie: *blushing* as many as you want babe\n", "\n", "The name of the company was Kilmarnock Corporation Tramways.\n", "\n", "The word comes from the Latin nomen meaning name.\n", "\n", "If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?\n", "\n", "Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *shyly lifts top*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Husband: no\n", "\n", "My manager just told me when she was a kid in Australia there was a monitor lizard that walked up and down the street at 3:30pm and everyone had to give it a boiled egg or it would tap angrily on the window with its foot.\n", "\n", "Do not place it on every possible word.\n", "\n", "His friend George Stillman Hillard encouraged Longfellow in the pursuit : `` I delight to see you keeping up so stout a heart for the resolve to conquer is half the battle in love as well as war ''.\n", "\n", "They were all curious about what was beneath the water and one day Dayuni ` si , the water beetle , volunteered to explore it.\n", "\n", "Bank of Japan launches negative rates, already dubbed a failure by markets \n", "\n", "My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”\n", "\n", "Me: yeah I think we should get one too\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: …\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: wait, did you say a deaf horse or a divorce?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: why would I want a deaf horse?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, tearing up: so it can’t hear your hurtful words\n", "\n", "lmao what if Jesus came back and he just straight up sounded like Wario when he talked\n", "\n", "Are straight and gay pirates after the same booty?\n", "\n", "The Assembly set the end of its term for 29 September 1791.\n", "\n", "Farce, joke or delusion? British press trashes Cameron's EU deal \n", "\n", "Csupó reasons that the movie `` deals with so many issues including friendship , and maybe first innocent love , things like that '' , so it `` made more sense '' to make the characters older.\n", "\n", "me when my parents drop me off at college and now I can drink soda past 9 o clock\n", "\n", "Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses? Italians don't like any witnesses..\n", "\n", "*in hell* \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "satan: dude you gotta stop following me around \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: I don't know anyone else here I feel awkward\n", "\n", "After first 100 days, Canada PM Trudeau takes Twitter queries \n", "\n", "Takamoto first entered the cartoon world after the end of the war.\n", "\n", "mixed a bang energy drink with mcdonald’s sprite and my eyes turned black and i started uniting the nomadic tribes of northeast asia and founded the mongol empire\n", "\n", "A Friend's Frown Is Better Than A Foe's Smile\n", "\n", "Shaw himself guest conducted from time to time , ending his self-imposed retirement.\n", "\n", "As I work my way deeper into the sex dungeon I notice they have a McDonald's ball pit\n", "\n", "me: you know what, make it a double\r", "\r", "\r\n", "proctologist: what?\n", "\n", "Paris lycees evacuated after five receive bomb threat \n", "\n", "Army claims advances in Libyan cities of Benghazi and Ajdabiya \n", "\n", "This is Tobi with yogurt containers\n", "\n", "Aid cuts trigger health crisis in Somalia, say relief agencies \n", "\n", "What do you call a parrot under an umbrella? Polly unsaturated\n", "\n", "On November 27 , 2008 , Astley participated in a live Rickroll during the Macy 's Thanksgiving Day Parade while the Foster 's Home For Imaginary Friends characters were singing `` Best Friend '' , the theme from the 1970s TV series The Courtship of Eddie 's Father.\n", "\n", "What kind of organization is Atheism? Non-prophet.\n", "\n", "Me playing with the baggage I should be leaving behind\n", "\n", "[reading a Henry VIII biography]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *sighing* I wish someone loved me enough to have me beheaded\n", "\n", "I'm pretty good at being mediocre\n", "\n", "You can't run from your problems forever. Eventually, you'll have to take a car or a plane.\n", "\n", "$$$ idea: tearaway pants, but like, the reverse. You can like just vaguely toss the pants at your legs and boom you’re wearing pants\n", "\n", "I'd love to get into herb gardening. I just don't have the thyme.\n", "\n", "It left the island chain three days later , after killing 28 people.\n", "\n", "Me: *carefully going around the victims body with chalk*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Detective: We don’t usually outline the balls\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: oh I’m not a cop lol\n", "\n", "In the case where two fictional universes covering entire actual universes cross over , physical travel from one universe to another may actually occur in the course of the story.\n", "\n", "I'm making a fruit salad and the recipe says Pineapples - Five cubed. Where on Earth am I going to get 125 pineapples?\n", "\n", "Iraq's Sadr calls for technocratic government, swift reform \n", "\n", "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.\n", "\n", "shit, barbara....the body’s gone.\n", "\n", "See List of EMI labels.\n", "\n", "What do you call a man with a car number plate on his head? Reg. What do you call his brother? R Reg\n", "\n", "Oman bus crash kills 18 people: state news agency \n", "\n", "Django-Kazooie\n", "\n", "Better To Do Well Than To Say Well\n", "\n", "The two men go inside to get a drink , Iolaus tells Hercules that he met a man who taught him some new moves that allow smaller men to overpower a bigger man.\n", "\n", "[tree falls in forest]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[doesnt make a sound]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh\n", "\n", "I just saw a great documentary about how ships are kept together. It was riveting!\n", "\n", "In other words , half of the children of 1932 would be classified as having borderline mental retardation or worse during 1997.\n", "\n", "Pups are born with their eyes open ; they will begin to leave the nesting area at about 3 days of age.\n", "\n", "Here's the 2016 election, by the numbers: \n", "\n", "South's move out of industrial zone seen as 'declaration of war' by North Korea: \n", "\n", "[my papercut slowly heals over the course of two weeks]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ᶦ ᵃᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ᵂᵒˡᵛᵉʳᶦⁿᵉ\n", "\n", "If the world is a stage, I want to be the one operating the trap door.\n", "\n", "Civilian casualties in Afghanistan hit record high: U.N. \n", "\n", "Gunmen kill two in Burundi attack ahead of visit by U.N.'s Ban: official \n", "\n", "Research shows that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.\n", "\n", "Users of slide rules would simply approximate or drop small terms to simplify the calculation.\n", "\n", "I will fight Predator I'm not afraid of Predator don't be scared if Predator turns out to be real I will defeat Predator\n", "\n", "He has founded and run two airlines and was manager of the Jaguar Formula One racing team for two years.\n", "\n", "U.S. files civil suit against Volkswagen for environment violations \n", "\n", "When I took sex ed the teacher put a condom on a banana and a girl with a neck tattoo slowly squished it in her hand\n", "\n", "U.S., China must find way forward on North Korea, South China Sea: Kerry \n", "\n", "It was soon posted on the sci.\n", "\n", "See moment.\n", "\n", "At the end of the summer , small white flowers full of nectar appear . These attract bees , hence the genus name Melissa.\n", "\n", "Knock, Knock. Who's there? A Pile-Up. A Pile-Up Who? Ewwwwww\n", "\n", "What does idk stand for? Literally everyone I ask says they don't know.\n", "\n", "By May 20 , two pandas at the reserve were found to be injured , while the search continued for another two adult pandas that went missing after the quake.\n", "\n", "Why was the detective fired after the peanut factory robbery? Cos he refused to deal with a nut case.\n", "\n", "Italy seeks to keep allies in check as Libya wrangles over government \n", "\n", "have not yet found the bottom of this bottomless mimosa\n", "\n", "It is called `` black '' because it absorbs all the light that hits it , reflecting nothing , just like a perfect black body in thermodynamics.\n", "\n", "Breasts are like beer. Men may state a preference, but we'll take whatever's on tap.\n", "\n", "welcome to my very first vlog in which i try different hair products \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[i spray hairspray into my mouth]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "well, right off the bat i can tell you this one is not very good\n", "\n", "Me and the wife decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off though when I started holding auditions for her part.\n", "\n", "As time passes , the risk of damage to the heart muscle increases ; hence the phrase that in myocardial infarction , `` time is muscle , '' and `` time wasted is muscle lost ''.\n", "\n", "Every Man Has A Fool In His Sleeve\n", "\n", "Market turmoil could hold back euro zone inflation: ECB's Coeure \n", "\n", "They were married on May 29 , 1849 , and together had five children , only two of whom survived to adulthood , two died of typhoid and one of a brain tumor.\n", "\n", "Turkey calls for unconditional U.S. support against Kurdish YPG \n", "\n", "In other words , it is the half maximal inhibitory concentration of a substance.\n", "\n", "“Whoops we accidentally gave the reparations to white banking executives, our bad, this is tricky”\n", "\n", "On May 23 , the group 's first mini-album , Replay was released.\n", "\n", "Two is the first Mersenne prime exponent.\n", "\n", "Early in the season three tropical cyclones impacted Mexico in a ten day span , while the first cyclone of the season formed before it officially began.\n", "\n", "Pakistan attack raises tough question: should teachers shoot back? \n", "\n", "My Sony receiver just told me to standby as it was turning off. Next thing you know it'll want me to hug it.\n", "\n", "me: how bad is it \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[later]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: what did the doctor say\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: linda....i’m dying\n", "\n", "Why do bad farmers make good DJs? Because they've got sick beets!\n", "\n", "sorry i ignored you for 3 weeks i was isolating myself to deal with my anxiety and it will 100% happen again in the next few days\n", "\n", "I wonder if calendar business will go bankrupt in 2012.\n", "\n", "How do you get Pikachu on a bus? Pokemon.\n", "\n", "Russia says U.S. planes bombed Syria's Aleppo on Wednesday, not Russian ones: TASS \n", "\n", "Things with wheels, ranked\r", "\r", "\r\n", "1. Unicycle \r", "\r", "\r\n", "2: Bicycle \r", "\r", "\r\n", "3: Tricycle \r", "\r", "\r\n", "4: Quadbike\r", "\r", "\r\n", "5: Office chair\r", "\r", "\r\n", "6. Cheese\n", "\n", "What do you call a bullet proof scouser? Kev Laa!\n", "\n", "The system is also unusual among planetary systems in that each is tidally locked to the other : Charon always presents the same face to Pluto , and Pluto always presents the same face to Charon . If one were standing on Pluto 's near side , Charon would hover in the sky without moving ; if one were to travel to the far side , one would never see Charon at all.\n", "\n", "Every processor or processor family has its own machine code instruction set.\n", "\n", "My cousin is a midget, he's relatively short.\n", "\n", "I told my wife she'd look better with her hair back. She was furious!I guess it was wrong to say that to a woman who's gone bald.\n", "\n", "Actually, it’s only existentialism if it comes from the existentialism region of France. Otherwise, it’s just sparkling anxiety.\n", "\n", "Care Killed The Cat\n", "\n", "Ghana highway bus crash kills at least 53 \n", "\n", "Recent survey: 43% of people admitted to tixting wylst droving.\n", "\n", "Chilean miners considered how funny it would be if they all died as soon as they finished the rescue tunnel\n", "\n", "What's the best thing about being black? Not having to listen to awful dad jokes.\n", "\n", "Clearly , they can not execute at the same time , and the second instruction can't be executed before the first.\n", "\n", "U.S. wins WTO dispute against India's solar rules \n", "\n", "I was going down on this chick when I noticed her pussy tasted like horse semen. I stopped and said \"Oh, so that's how you died, Grandma.\"\n", "\n", "What happens if you get scared half to death twice?\n", "\n", "see you in hell you stupid fruit\n", "\n", "I can't be in a nuclear world war, I'm an introvert\n", "\n", "Austria seeks talks with Balkan neighbours after capping migrant flow \n", "\n", "Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.\n", "\n", "I don't know why the boss calls it a week's wages when it only lasts for a day.\n", "\n", "Box Office:‘Kung Fu Panda 3’ trumps ‘Hail, Caesar! \n", "\n", "My math teacher asked me: \"Do you understand inequalities?\" I replied: \"More or less.\"\n", "\n", "Evil Jared recently announced that the Bloodhound Gang is working on a new album.\n", "\n", "EU falling 'silent' on Turkish abuses for help on migrants: rapporteur \n", "\n", "Billionaire Lasry's fund not reporting asset levels: \n", "\n", "Of course men can multitask, we read on the toilet.\n", "\n", "Where a business name is based on a family name , it may or may not take an apostrophe , though in recent times there has been an increasing tendency to drop the apostrophe.\n", "\n", "Never in my life did I draw a gun or kill anyone . ''\n", "\n", "Now that Microsoft is so big, should it be called Macrosoft?\n", "\n", "Optimists think the glass is half full. Pessimists think the glass is half empty. Realists know that someone will have to wash the glass.\n", "\n", "North Korea may recover plutonium from restarted nuclear reactor within weeks: U.S. \n", "\n", "When I was a kid, I used to have nightmares about the Xenomorphs from the movie \"Aliens,\" until I started imagining them eating peanut butter sandwiches and getting super frustrated because it made their little mouth stick to the roof of their big mouth.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the prostitute that died and went to heaven? She traded her harp for an upright organ.\n", "\n", "NATO to agree new Russian deterrent but avoid Cold War footing \n", "\n", "Suicide bomber kills at least 11 in eastern Afghanistan \n", "\n", "Every Man To His Taste\n", "\n", "I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.\n", "\n", "China January new yuan loans climb to record high in seasonal surge \n", "\n", "What do you call cows that don't have a sense of humor? Feminists.\n", "\n", "Get your dad what he really wants for Father’s Day by not spending $9 on a greeting card.\n", "\n", "*getting ready to go on vacation*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: We’re getting in the car. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My husband: Ok, I just need to take a quick shower & reconfigure the whole sprinkler system.\n", "\n", "It's only physics if it's from the Physique region of France. Otherwise it's just sparkling math\n", "\n", "The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.\n", "\n", "Standers-By See More Than Gamesters\n", "\n", "On June 11 she released her first EP on her new label WOW Music.\n", "\n", "What do you call the kid who finally stands up to the bullies? An ambulance.\n", "\n", "An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.\n", "\n", "How can it be both Midsummer's Day and the first day of Summer at the same time?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "And other things to keep me awake at night.\n", "\n", "There are many different types of concertinas , which is why Boeremusiek has so many different unique sounds and styles , and the construction the concertina is what makes the different sounds in the Boeremusiek band ; it depends on where the slots and holes are put makes the difference on the sound that the concertina makes.\n", "\n", "The old man with whom he lives has a clouded , pale , blue `` vulture-like '' eye which so distresses the narrator that he plots to murder the old man.\n", "\n", "The name appeared first as Zur Matte and became later Zermatt.\n", "\n", "How do you make Holy water? You boil the Hell out of it. \n", "\n", "i don’t mind seeing celebs i grew up with get older. crank up that olsen age\n", "\n", "This town would merge in 1854 with the nearby town of Risdon to form one city , named Fostoria in honor of Foster , who would be elected the new city 's first mayor.\n", "\n", "[in a world where \"check\" and \"bitch\" are swapped]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me to waiter: bitch, please\n", "\n", "In many racing sports an athlete will compete in a time trial against the clock to secure the fastest time.\n", "\n", "Ears are small and hairy.\n", "\n", "Many Chinese men settled in black communities and in turn married black women.\n", "\n", "Another early globe , the Hunt-Lenox Globe , ca.\n", "\n", "Just because your a parent, doesn't mean you have to be lame.\n", "\n", "Merkel ready to lift Russia sanctions if conditions met: party officials \n", "\n", "Fresh pasta may include eggs.\n", "\n", "Sweden may expel up to 80,000 of last year's asylum seekers: report - \n", "\n", "Porn without headphones is truly the height of luxury\n", "\n", "I've fallen in love. Were the last words I heard from my wife as she went overboard.\n", "\n", "Never Write What You Dare Not Sign\n", "\n", "Islamic State unlikely to be ejected from Mosul in 2016: U.S. general \n", "\n", "Next , a virus must take control of the host cell 's replication mechanisms.\n", "\n", "He coined and popularized the catch phrase `` Turn on , tune in , drop out . ''\n", "\n", "White House reviewing Pentagon report on closing Guantanamo prison \n", "\n", "My body is a temple. That is, it feels and looks like something that was destroyed by the Romans some 2500 years ago.\n", "\n", "[my mom as a 911 operator] Well, that wasn't very smart, now was it?\n", "\n", "China sentences two men to death in killing of Tibetan religious leader \n", "\n", "Netflix: are you still watching?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: yes\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled\n", "\n", "PAY ATTENTION TO ME!\n", "\n", "Using little plastic dinosaurs and some fishline, I made a scene for my wife's car backup camera.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Now we wait.\n", "\n", "The Great Barrier Reef Committee was set up in 1922 which carried out much of the early research on the reef.\n", "\n", "doctor: I’m concerned about that mole on your arm\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: oh no\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "doctor: yeah, typically we don’t allow animals in the hospital\n", "\n", "listen: as a father of daughters, a husband, a man with aunts and nieces and a woman trapped in my cellar, a man who is just covered with ladybugs,\n", "\n", "It weakened to a depression for the second and final time August 15 and lost tropical characteristics early the next day.\n", "\n", "Biden, Iraq's Abadi discuss military, financial support in call: White House \n", "\n", "Allingham had four medals , two of which were medals from the First World War.\n", "\n", "Italian student killed in Egypt criticized Cairo government in articles \n", "\n", "It's close between Tyson Fury and Andy Murray for the BBC Sports Personality trophy. I reckon the Gypsy will just nick it.\n", "\n", "Other Templates also use the category , see first sorted section.\n", "\n", "In the early years , every Committee member was Genevan , Protestant , white , and male.\n", "\n", "Gas is one of three classical states of matter.\n", "\n", "The debate on the UK remaining in the EU continues. But what would Brexit look like? \n", "\n", "Sushun had one Empress and two Imperial children.\n", "\n", "Ex-PM Touadera wins Central African Republic presidential election \n", "\n", "East Flanders is a province of Flanders , one of the three regions of Belgium.\n", "\n", "OK but why do straight people hate each other\n", "\n", "Average life span was 35.\n", "\n", "Heart: I just want people to like me.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Brain: But you say weird things.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Haunted doll under my bed: And your forehead is always shiny.\n", "\n", "In this sense `` mother figure '' may be considered an archetype and may be identified in various characters with otherwise distinct personalities.\n", "\n", "Roman Catholicism specifically holds that one may build and use `` likenesses '' , as long as the object is not worshipped.\n", "\n", "During these early times the business heart of the town was centred on Nelson Place.\n", "\n", "New York Islanders vs. Edmonton Oilers\n", "\n", "I was having a blast until that asshole showed up wearing the exact same fanny pack as me.\n", "\n", "FBI finds trench of human feces at cultural site on Oregon refuge \n", "\n", "Did you hear about the midget who speaks to dead people that broke out of prison? The police are describing him as a small medium at large.\n", "\n", "twitter, do your thing!\n", "\n", "A boy w/ diarrhea tells his Mom he needs Viagra. She asks \"Why do u need that\" He says \"That's what u give Dad when his shit won't get hard\"\n", "\n", "Ratings success soon followed.\n", "\n", "JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that's only like 11 days\n", "\n", "Many articles are created on Wikipedia every day , most of which are a good faith effort by contributors to improve the encyclopedia.\n", "\n", "Chinese police break silence on missing Hong Kong bookseller \n", "\n", "In the United States , it is now illegal to block the migration of fish , for example the endangered great white sturgeon in North America , so fish ladders must be provided by dam builders . The actual performance of fish ladders is often poor.\n", "\n", "National Security Agency merging offensive, defensive hacking operations \n", "\n", "me: sorry I opened my eyes while we were kissing, I just can’t believe this is real lol \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "arresting officer: no it’s ok\n", "\n", "Nokia patent sales forecast falls short after Samsung deal \n", "\n", "\"LEND ME YOUR EARS\" implies the existence of ear loans, and possibly ear loan sharks\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, typing: 'acquire ears' and 'how to be a loan shark'\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Her: stop making a racket\n", "\n", "Like many Javanese people , he had only one name ; in religious contexts , he was occasionally referred to as ` Achmed Sukarno '.\n", "\n", "The Trojan horse may also refer to the Trojan cavalry led by Hector.\n", "\n", "Philippines' Aquino signs order raising pay of government workers \n", "\n", "Trump addresses his supporters \n", "\n", "The three points of the hat represent the donkey 's ears and tail worn by jesters in earlier times.\n", "\n", "What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A visitor.\n", "\n", "Americans kidnapped in Iraq last month released: Iraqi media \n", "\n", "I feel like we could probably go all out and stretch it to 7 flags.\n", "\n", "Chad president says will reintroduce constitutional term limits \n", "\n", "The Great Gerbil is a large gerbil found throughout much of Central Asia.\n", "\n", "The first ever Formula BMW World Final took place in Bahrain.\n", "\n", "U.S., Russian defense officials discuss air safety over Syria: Pentagon \n", "\n", "Hey @steak_umm I’m all snuggled up in your beef sheets!\n", "\n", "At the tree line , tree growth is often very stunted , with the last trees forming low , densely matted bushes.\n", "\n", "The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.\n", "\n", "Scornful Dogs Will Eat Dirty Puddings\n", "\n", "[twilight zone narration begins]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [sitting in the background just being normal] what, what did i do\n", "\n", "Beijing's top official in Hong Kong calls rioters 'radical separatists' \n", "\n", "Why did the hippie drown? Because he was too far out, man.\n", "\n", "Who knows , maybe if Ian MacKaye was wearing eyeliner then I would be . ''\n", "\n", "What do you call a stoner with down syndrome? A baked potato.\n", "\n", "Hugo published his first novel the following year , and his second three years later.\n", "\n", "[date]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: Do you like Star Wars?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Of course\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: Which character do you identify with?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space\n", "\n", "The custom of gold-silver-bronze for the first three places dates from the 1904 games and has been copied for many other sporting events.\n", "\n", "The `` zebra crossing '' is named after the zebra 's black and white stripes.\n", "\n", "todays video is going out soon. the last eight minutes of it is just people crying to stock farting noises.\n", "\n", "When a man gives his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.\n", "\n", "wanna be rich enough so i can hold my laptop like this\n", "\n", "Stability still elusive despite peaceful Central African election \n", "\n", "What?!!\n", "\n", "Got kicked out of my math gang for always giving 110%.\n", "\n", "FBI director says investigators unable to unlock San Bernardino killer's phone content: \n", "\n", "If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.\n", "\n", "[after one mild success]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i am 100% unstoppable\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[after one mild failure]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i may never work again\n", "\n", "[funeral]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "friend: hey wanna get some expresso after this? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my corpse: it's pronounced 'espresso'\n", "\n", "[invention of writing] I dont want to have to speak to anybody from now on\n", "\n", "This day in history. 2006. Pluto's recently discovered moons are officially named Nix and Moony McMoonwagon.\n", "\n", "I once dated a girl who had a parrot.\r\n", "\r\n", "Dang thing would never shut up.\r\n", "\r\n", "Bird was cool though.\n", "\n", "Nothing Is Impossible To A Willing Heart\n", "\n", "Citi says chance of Brexit has risen to 30-40 percent: \n", "\n", "What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs. Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.\r", "What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.\r", "Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 iguanadons and 2 stegasaurus.\r", "What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.\r", "What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!\r", "What do you get if you cross a mouse with a triceratops? Enormous holes in the skirting board.\r", "How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas. How do you know if there is a brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.\n", "\n", "Suspect charged in shooting of Philadelphia policeman - prosecutor \n", "\n", "To Put (Set) The Cart Before The Horse\n", "\n", "Friend: I don’t like these new food trends. Today every sandwich comes with aioli \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Your sandwich has nipples?\n", "\n", "Why was the pube angry? Because it was pissed off.\n", "\n", "Sorry I haven't tweeted today. Justin Bieber's new album is out tonight, been standing in line all day to jump off Golden Gate Bridge.\n", "\n", "I've no idea why my new plug in air fresherner won't work. I plug it in and switch it on. Nothing! It just doesn't make scents.\n", "\n", "1/3 Of people live next to a pedophile. Not me though, I live next to two really hot ten year old's!\n", "\n", "There are growing signs of a new Western urgency to stop Islamic State in Libya: \n", "\n", "EU offers UK migrant worker 'emergency brake': \n", "\n", "Iranian banks reconnected to SWIFT network after four-year hiatus \n", "\n", "Oil rises on chance of output cuts as producers to meet \n", "\n", "GE to sell appliances business to China's Haier for $5.4 billion: \n", "\n", "[life goals in the climate crisis]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "List of places to see before I die: about 10\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "List of places that’ll die before I see them: everything within 50 miles of the ocean\n", "\n", "not just white girls with blonde hair....white girls with brown hair...ok diversity slay\n", "\n", "if we can all stay out of the psych ward long enough maybe we can do something about the world but they wanna stop us so bad...\n", "\n", "China economic growth weakest in years; shares take heart on stimulus hopes \n", "\n", "Many of the museums are run by the Biggar Museum Trust.\n", "\n", "God is love.\r\n", "But Satan does that thing with his tongue that you love.\n", "\n", "Every woman i know has at some point faked an orgasm and every man i know swears women have never faked one with them, guys something doesnt add up\n", "\n", "I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.\n", "\n", "S&P 500 touches lowest level in nearly two years - \n", "\n", "30 Seconds to Mars has received one award from two nominations.\n", "\n", "My doctor asked if I drink to excess. I told him I'll drink to anything.\n", "\n", "are your children texting about legs?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ROFL - respect our freakin’ legs\r", "\r", "\r\n", "IKR - i kick regularly \r", "\r", "\r\n", "ILYSM - i like your shins man \r", "\r", "\r\n", "ATM - arms, TOTAL mistake \r", "\r", "\r\n", "BRB - being really bipedal \r", "\r", "\r\n", "OMG - ogle my gams\r", "\r", "\r\n", "LMAO - let’s iMitate an octopus\n", "\n", "It quickly dissipated later that same day.\n", "\n", "When peace like a river , attendeth my way , When sorrows like sea billows roll ; Whatever my lot , Thou hast taught me to say , It is well , it is well , with my soul.\n", "\n", "Priscilla Cooper was born in New York City in 1816.\n", "\n", "What has 20 legs and flys? 5 dead horses.\n", "\n", "Irony:\r\n", "\r\n", "90 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.\r\n", "\r\n", "A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom\n", "\n", "The Nintendo Style Guide refers to the console as `` simply Wii , not Nintendo Wii '' , making it the first home console Nintendo has marketed outside of Japan without the company name featured in its trademark.\n", "\n", "In September 2001 , he went to Wolverhampton Wanderers on a three-month loan , scoring two goals in his first two games.\n", "\n", "Butterworth did not write a great deal of music , and during the war he destroyed many works he did not care for.\n", "\n", "lPeople are seldom too busy to stop and tell you how busy they are.\n", "\n", "Bosses are like slinkies. Never fun unless you seem them fall down the stairs.\n", "\n", "To Measure Another Man's Foot By One's Own Last\n", "\n", "Jesus already knew that Peter would deny him three times.\n", "\n", "North Korea executes army chief of staff - South Korean media: \n", "\n", "That’s a wrap for the first season of Klepper. I hope we get to do more. I was fortunate enough to travel this grand landscape we share and meet some remarkable people with stories of struggle and perseverance. In… https://www.instagram.com/p/By_jHjCn2ZI/?igshid=lvfwjkr10a1m …\n", "\n", "I predict we have been reading the Mayan calendar upside-down an we still have another 2000 years to live.\n", "\n", "Unlikely outsider Juppé is threat to Sarkozy, Hollande's 2017 election bids \n", "\n", "depression no jutsu\n", "\n", "Wife: Would you ever pay for a hooker?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I don’t even like spending more than $10 on a haircut\n", "\n", "When it matures , the Red-crowned Crane is snow white with a patch of red skin on its head.\n", "\n", "That year Ravel also met Ricardo Viñes , who would become one of his best friends , one of the foremost interpreters of his piano music , and an important link between Ravel and Spanish music.\n", "\n", "For the opposite of Denotation see Connotation.\n", "\n", "This girl came up to me and said she recognised me from vegetarian club. I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.\n", "\n", "It has an identifiable head with four eyes , two sensory feelers or palps , and eight tentacles The Anterior region is called as Head which consists of two segments as anterior Prostomium and posterior peristomium and th last segment known as pygidium.\n", "\n", "They have two children , Shane and Stephanie , who both work for WWE.\n", "\n", "Each of the explorers brought three assigned servants with him and between them they had five bullocks , three horses and two carts.\n", "\n", "There's two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says 'You man the guns, I'll drive'\n", "\n", "Where there's a will, I want to be in it.\n", "\n", "Twitter has saved me from a terrifying keeping-my-thoughts-to-myself addiction.\n", "\n", "Pakistan Taliban kill at least 19 as they storm university \n", "\n", "Date: *opens door for me*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, a strong, independent woman, perfectly capable of opening my own door: thanks\n", "\n", "TSA Agent: Our detectors found prohibited items in your luggage\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: It’s probably those fresh coconuts\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "TSA Agent: Just crack them open and drink them now\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Alright *unsheating machete* I could’ve sworn these were less than 3oz though\n", "\n", "An insect flew into our kitchen last night, flew around and then exploded. I think it was a jihadi long legs.\n", "\n", "It Is Good Fishing In Troubled Waters\n", "\n", "I received an email from Google. It said, \"At Google Earth we can read maps backwards \" I thought, \"That's just spam.\"\n", "\n", "Charles de Valois was married three times.\n", "\n", "Carlin was 71 years old.\n", "\n", "The name Death 's - head Hawkmoth refers to any one of the three species of moth in the genus Acherontia.\n", "\n", "At first its name was Shahdad Kot District but after much protests by Qambar City it was renamed to Qambar Shahdad Kot District.\n", "\n", "St Peter: ok the ghost busters just died, they did good so I let them into heaven, right?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: yes\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Jesus: sure\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Holy Ghost: absolutely not\n", "\n", "That memo became the basis for the rewrite I did. By then Will had been cast - off my first script (pre being fired) & he was like \"Wait, what happened to the tone? The tone is the thing that made all the other shit work.\" (He had only been in 6 Degrees of Separation at that pt.)\n", "\n", "\"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?\" I asked my boss. \"Just pop it in the corner,\" he said. It took me three hours.\n", "\n", "Headmaster of Hogwarts falls down the stairs. Tumbledore.\n", "\n", "Swedish doctor gets 10 years in prison in bunker kidnap case \n", "\n", "Two reasons why I don't drink toilet water. Number 1: Number 2\n", "\n", "Indonesia hopes village spending will counter radicalism \n", "\n", "What if testicles was pronounced like a Greek name\n", "\n", "How is a new U.S. Supreme Court justice chosen? Find out with our factbox: \n", "\n", "so i have no proof to back this up but i’m pretty sure cowboy bees would say beehaw\n", "\n", "U.S., Cuba sign pact to restore scheduled flights: U.S. Dept of Transportation \n", "\n", "Coworker: what’s in the egg?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, sitting on a large egg: I DONT FUCKING KNOW GARY\n", "\n", "The four most crucial words of mankind: righty-tighty, lefty-loosy\n", "\n", "Also , a recital may have many participants , as for a dance recital.\n", "\n", "*shows date my bathtub* This is my cry pond\n", "\n", "Planned Parenthood cleared by Texas jury over videos, activists indicted \n", "\n", "V. That Man that shall strike another whilst these Articles are in force , shall receive Moses 's Law on the bare Back.\n", "\n", "when i was a kid and heard of power rangers for the first time before seeing any commercials for it, i thought it was a show about a group of highly skilled park rangers that went around stopping poachers and forest fires\n", "\n", "I watched the new Mötley Crüe movie and caught hepätitis\n", "\n", "Tim Hortons ' first stores only offered two products - coffee and doughnuts.\n", "\n", "If a red-headed man works at a bakery, is he a ginger bread man?\n", "\n", "There Is No Fire Without Smoke\n", "\n", "Conditions not met for April 24 elections in Macedonia: EU, U.S. \n", "\n", "Dissident Irish nationalists claim fatal Dublin shooting: BBC \n", "\n", "Life is like a Lambourghini. It goes too fast and it costs too much.\n", "\n", "Of these 250 children, 15 had the flu.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "A sick 2 year old had detained teens caring for him.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "The children were eating uncooked frozen food. They hadn’t bathed or worn clean clothes in weeks.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "This is a violation of the Flores agreement and the human rights of these children.\n", "\n", "For example , radio messages sent from Earth may never reach some regions of space , even if the Universe would live forever ; space may expand faster than light can traverse it.\n", "\n", "There are certain ambiguities in this formulation of the problem : it is unclear whether or not the host would always open another door , always offer a choice to switch , or even whether he would ever open the door revealing the car . The standard analysis of the problem assumes that the host is indeed constrained always to open a door revealing a goat , always to make the offer to switch , and to open one of the remaining two doors perfectly randomly if the player initially picked the car.\n", "\n", "Gianni Infantino replaces Sepp Blatter as FIFA president.\n", "\n", "I booked an Asian prostitute last night, but she arrived two hours late. She loved me wrong time.\n", "\n", "So this black guys stopped me on the subway and asked \"did the Yankees win?\" I said \"Yes, it's ok, you're free now\"\n", "\n", "She won the 2008 French Open and was the runner-up in singles at the 2007 French Open and the 2008 Australian Open.\n", "\n", "Manilow also performed as well.\n", "\n", "A male Tory MP attacking a peaceful female climate protestor on the eve of Boris Johnson being “voted” PM by a fucking gout ward of hedge fund managers with names like Geoffrey Covington-Plopp is a disgusting yet unsurprising snapshot of a sclerotic, dying party.\n", "\n", " In negotiating to free Americans in Iran, U.S. blinked on new sanctions \n", "\n", "There , Devil takes over Kazuya 's mind once again , and tells Heihachi that he has come to extract the part of the Devil Gene he lost the night Kazuya was thrown into the volcano.\n", "\n", "My math professor staples Burger King applications to failed tests.\n", "\n", "Italy wants EU bonds to fund refugee response \n", "\n", "Why don't owls go on dates when it's raining? Because it's too wet to woo.\n", "\n", "I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.\n", "\n", "2 dyslexics are in a kitchen. One says to the other \"can you smell food?\" The other one says \"I can't even smell my own name!\"\n", "\n", "Body Spam: Unsolicited body contact.\n", "\n", "For its documentation , see.\n", "\n", "Some day, a special someone will come along, steal your heart and make you believe that marriage should be for life...for about ten years.\n", "\n", "[first day working at a Mexican restaurant]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: do you have pollo?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *whispers* oh my no i was vaccinated\n", "\n", "there are piles of dirty clothes all over my apartment bc the ground is hot lava and i need to jump between them to go about my daily activities it’s strictly about survival\n", "\n", "What do you call a girl standing between two goal posts? Annette.\n", "\n", "My son announces he is going to empty the dishwasher with the same tone and tenor as if he is off to war.\n", "\n", "Some editors may think they are protecting the article from vandalism , and may respond to any changes with hostility.\n", "\n", "ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Oh no shit shit shit\n", "\n", "Taiwan's local city government in Tainan confirms half collapsed building after 6.7 magnitude earthquake.\n", "\n", "My scouse mate has just got his kids a trampoline and a few bikes for Xmas. I asked him which website he saw them on. He replied Google Earth\n", "\n", "France's Hollande reshuffles cabinet with eye on 2017 election \n", "\n", "North Korea satellite tumbling in orbit again: U.S. sources \n", "\n", "A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..\n", "\n", "They live with him in Chicago.\n", "\n", "Hey, thanks for coming over. Make yourself at home.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Thanks!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*takes a dump with the door open*\n", "\n", "Their first child , Samuel Orchart , was born in May 1857 but died of croup in August of that year.\n", "\n", "Japan readies military to shoot down North Korean rocket \n", "\n", "On February 15 , 2008 , Activision announced that one of their two new Guitar Hero installments would be Guitar Hero : Aerosmith , and would be released in June 2008.\n", "\n", "French protesters call for end to state of emergency \n", "\n", "No Man Loves His Fetters, Be They Made Of Gold\n", "\n", "no one talks about jesus’s step-brother brayden who turned water into smirnoff ice and was crucified on a jetski\n", "\n", "Anger can be of one of two main types : Passive anger and Aggressive anger.\n", "\n", "Why didn't the skeleton ask the witch to the ball? Because he didn't have the guts.\n", "\n", "Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. 'Delicious,' she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.\n", "\n", "#Corsica. Paradise. Thank you my sweet friend Save for your incredible hospitality and the wonderful time!!! perladimareofficial https://www.instagram.com/p/ByqWhC9ByFp/?igshid=dsxo4kvbqdkn …\n", "\n", "Little sign of protest on anniversary of Egypt's uprising: \n", "\n", "my lyft driver looked at me in the rear view mirror and switched the radio from daddy yankee to nirvana, which like I would’ve been fine either way but I get it\n", "\n", "“I usually try to give up a groove to somebody if they ask me,” Prince said, though nothing compares to his own. Ƭ̵̬̊\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " wrote about Prince: Originals for @pitchfork, Best New Reissue (as in you've heard these songs but never like this)\n", "\n", "It is within one 's rights to license those contributions under any terms one prefers , so long as one does it in addition to also being covered under the CC-BY-SA license.\n", "\n", "Many straits are economically important.\n", "\n", "Though he had many children , none of them would ever become emperor.\n", "\n", "The Beaufort Sea lies to its west.\n", "\n", "What did the homeless man get for Christmas? Frostbite.\n", "\n", "Got slapped by a girl for asking \"Do you spit or swallow?\" I thought this was a reasonable question since we were at a wine tasting session\n", "\n", "The synchronized release date of the two operating systems reflected the merging of the workstation and server kernels back into a single code base for the first time since Windows 2000.\n", "\n", "Julian Assange will leave Ecuador embassy, accept arrest if loses U.N. case: Wikileaks \n", "\n", "I don't think I could stab anyone. I can barely put my straw through my Capri-Sun.\n", "\n", "An acre is an area that is one furlong long and one chain wide.\n", "\n", "Rwanda's President Kagame defends measure extending his time in office \n", "\n", "(eats exactly one apple) where is my health you wretched orb\n", "\n", "Math: Only place where people buy 60 watermelons and no one wonders why.\n", "\n", "moon should be wearing the sunglasses. sun should not have the sunglasses. yet another thing i gotta fuckin deal with\n", "\n", "The band have never actually disclosed exactly where the name ` Biffy Clyro ' originated.\n", "\n", "Modi may bet on old faces and new to regain winning ways \n", "\n", "Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? Cos they all have phones.\n", "\n", "Russia proposes March 1 ceasefire in Syria: Western official \n", "\n", "Iraq summons Saudi envoy to protest at comments on internal affairs \n", "\n", "Why do Mexicans never cross the border in groups of 3? Because the sign says no tres-passing. \n", "\n", "What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red for free.\n", "\n", "International court to investigate 2008 Georgia-Russia war \n", "\n", "OPEC members increasingly keen to end oil glut: Nigeria oil minister \n", "\n", "Some girl yelled at me ' you're so hot!!' today on the street. Dont believe me? Ask Brad Pitt, he was Standing Right behind me.\n", "\n", "Nearly 30 sperm whales wash up and die on North Sea beaches \n", "\n", "russia: everyone loves the show chernobyl :) everyone is paying attention to us\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "america, this morning:\n", "\n", "Don't throw out the baby with the bath water\n", "\n", "Kenai struggles to protect Koda and is willing to sacrifice himself to save the cub , much as Koda 's mother had done.\n", "\n", "Like Buffy , it was produced by Whedon 's production company , Mutant Enemy.\n", "\n", "In front of him is a fire pit , and around him are four dogs.\n", "\n", "Obama: Sanders has 'luxury' of being long shot in Democratic race \n", "\n", "Turkish court to seek life without parole for prominent journalists \n", "\n", "I grew out my hair so I would always have floss \n", "\n", "What does a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common? They both can be used to carry vegetables. \n", "\n", "What do you call a little Mexican? A paragraph, because he's not quite an essay.\n", "\n", "The village maintains a full time police and fire rescue department.\n", "\n", "My uncle was jailed for his beliefs. He believed you could wank on the bus.\n", "\n", "Whenever people are like “it’s 2019, get with it,” I’m always like “no YOU get with it bc it’s actually 2032 and has been for years.”\n", "\n", "Will Smith shuns Oscars in diversity protest, Ruffalo to attend \n", "\n", "I hate it when people mix their metaphors, I mean come on people! It's not rocket surgery!\n", "\n", "It is an entry-level series to motor racing , in which in the past many drivers aspired to one day reach Formula One.\n", "\n", "Back at camp , Stephenie tried to pull the Koror girls into a female alliance while Caryn spilled the plot to the men.\n", "\n", "How do you keep men on their toes? Raise the urinals\n", "\n", "Renault F1 is the Renault company 's Formula One racing team.\n", "\n", "instead of a cis heterosexual person using the words \"coming out\" to describe their latest stupid hobby, what if they climbed very carefully into the sea\n", "\n", "The Washington insiders who work to get Chinese deals approved \n", "\n", "Tommy finally decides that the magic marble is not worth the trouble.\n", "\n", "He was 69 years old.\n", "\n", "Fool me Beyonce, shame on you. Fool me Beytwice, shame on me.\n", "\n", "Overland Park has one sister city.\n", "\n", "i'm sick of dating apps i want my suitors to send me letters and then when i reply i'll sit by the window and watch the rain for a long long time\n", "\n", "Spain's Socialist leader loses first vote to become prime minister \n", "\n", "nipples are just boob straws\n", "\n", "Forty percent of Germans want Angela Merkel to resign over her refugee policy, poll shows: \n", "\n", "In a reversal, Cuba tries price controls to tame food inflation \n", "\n", "On the anterior side of the head are the maxilla and lower mandible for the mouth , a pair of nostrils , and two lidless eyes.\n", "\n", "Wow I can’t believe people would pay to see a porn star from the funniest news story of all time. They should book me, a 27 year old with little life experience who makes people at bars want to leave\n", "\n", "In 1973 , three communities and three regions were established and granted internal autonomy.\n", "\n", "'We're not leaving without our weapons' - the latest from the Oregons tandoff : \n", "\n", "A hash function may map two or more keys to the same hash value.\n", "\n", "10 Day Challenge \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Don’t do anything stupid for ten days\n", "\n", "This forced a playoff against the New York Giants , which the Dodgers lost.\n", "\n", "Very often an ecological yield in one place offsets an ecological load in another.\n", "\n", "North Korea moves toward fielding long range missile system: U.S. Intelligence Director \n", "\n", "heyy gurl, are u a Trader Joe’s parking lot? cuz u are lookin tight but ultimately not worth the stress.\n", "\n", "The World Money Fair is an international bourse of coins.\n", "\n", "Have no kids? \r\n", "Hire a babysitter anyway, \r\n", "say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. Return home and ask where your child is.\n", "\n", "Another of Groundwater 's short stories has been adapted into a live theater performance.\n", "\n", "I've just invented a new word:\"Plagiarism\".\n", "\n", "me: how bad is it \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[later]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: what did the doctor say\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: linda....i’m dying\n", "\n", "Just bought myself a universal remote control. I thought to myself \"This changes everything.\n", "\n", "They do not speak.\n", "\n", "Why not just wipe out mosquitoes to get rid of the Zika virus? \n", "\n", "What do you call a Blonde doing a handstand? A Brunette with bad breath.\n", "\n", "interviewer: tell us something that you’re most proud of\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: well, i’ve never ordered taco bell via uber eats and I think that’s a pretty big accomplishment\n", "\n", "I always look forward to watching a good game of football on Halloween. There is always the chance of plenty of Ghouls.\n", "\n", "her: where do u work\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: (remembering girls like mysterious guys)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: are u ok\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *choking on my food cuz i was thinking about how girls like mysterious guys instead of chewing*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: oh god\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "waiter: did u kill this man\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: (remembering waiters like mysterious girls) maybe\n", "\n", "I say no to alcoho, but it never listens.\n", "\n", "Russia raises spectre of interminable or 'world war' if Syria talks fail \n", "\n", "I'm a cow boy/ on a grass field I ride/ I'm wanted, WANTED/ for milk, meat and hide\n", "\n", "I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.\n", "\n", "Indonesia government to back revisions to anti-graft law: senior minister \n", "\n", "I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards! 'I thought, \"That's just spam.\"\n", "\n", "brain: hahaha! just thought of something funny\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ok hold onto it until i can write it dow-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "brain: i don't want to die. i want to be alive so i can think about never dying. i do not want me to end\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: was that the funny thing?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "brain: what funny thing? is heaven real\n", "\n", "RomeoandJuliet.doc is a play on Word.\n", "\n", "It is 307 miles long by 118 miles wide with a shoreline 1,640 miles long.\n", "\n", "My sister asked me if I wanted to wind her new born baby? I thought that's a bit harsh so I just gave him a dead leg instead.\n", "\n", "An Honest Tale Speeds Best, Being Plainly Told\n", "\n", "Frustrations remain for Iranians after sanctions lifted. Find out more: \n", "\n", "My car failed it's emissions test today! Fuming.\n", "\n", "Indeed , the median is about one third on the way from mean to mode.\n", "\n", "My girlfriend said she was going to leave me because I am too impatient. \r\n", "\r\n", "I can't wait.\n", "\n", "I knew I was going bald when it kept taking me longer and longer to wash my face.\n", "\n", "You have no MP3\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "No MP3 at all!\n", "\n", "The only thing Facebook is good for is saving me money on birthday cards.\n", "\n", "Why did the woman cross the road? To go back to the first clothes shop she was in 3 hours ago.\n", "\n", "I've always wondered If someone has actually LMAO'd.\n", "\n", "I live life like how I type. Fast with a lot of mistakes that I'm too lazy to fix.\n", "\n", "Ronno 's mother eventually calls Ronno away , and Bambi is left alone to sleep under a tree and wait for the Great Prince to return.\n", "\n", "Hear about the baby with AIDS? It never gets old\n", "\n", "U.S. urges wider challenge to China's claims in South China Sea \n", "\n", "What do you call a fish with three eyes? Fiiish\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the old chameleon that couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction. \n", "\n", "Dr. Pepsi is a woman\n", "\n", "me tasting my girl’s pussy juice for the 8th time this week\n", "\n", "remember the 90s when everybody only hurt sometimes\n", "\n", "Girl: If you were my husband I would poison your coffee.\r\n", "Boy: If you were my wife I’d drink it.\n", "\n", "Fish do not breathe through their noses , but they do have two small holes used for smelling which may be called nostrils.\n", "\n", "What did the cheese maker say after his factory was hit by lightning? I've created a muenster.\n", "\n", "U.S. lawmakers unlikely to get answers from ex-drug executive Shkreli \n", "\n", "The Korean alphabet hangul was also invented during this time by King Sejong the Great.\n", "\n", "SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: What's that?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SON: A big building with lots of kids\n", "\n", "The shell coloration also keeps the animal cryptic in the water.\n", "\n", "Do you need a silencer to shoot a mime?\n", "\n", "I took my tomcats to get neutered today. No hard felines.\n", "\n", "Only `` name '' is required.\n", "\n", "Mass grave in Iraq's Ramadi holds at least 40 Islamic State victims: officials \n", "\n", "Iraq prime minister doubts any Iranian link to three missing Americans \n", "\n", "My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee...\n", "\n", "Egypt's Sisi, for first time, says Russian plane was brought down by terrorists \n", "\n", "Nearly 5,700 buildings in Iraq's Ramadi need repair, U.N. says \n", "\n", "Russia to sign contract this year to sell Su-30SM fighter jets to Iran: RIA \n", "\n", "Pope visibly annoyed when grabbed by crowd: \n", "\n", "I was gonna do a joke about unemployment.. but it needs some work.\n", "\n", "At the same time they announced that the new alliance would be open to all republics of the former Soviet Union , as well as other nations sharing the same goals.\n", "\n", "The Joker should have been a woman. And she finally went insane because too many random dudes told her to smile, so now she perpetually smiles while terrorizing Gotham.\n", "\n", "I get you doing that whole being your best self thing but can you dive back in there and see if you’ve got a better best self bc this one’s annoying.\n", "\n", "A dentist and a manicurist had a terrible fight. It was tooth and nail.\n", "\n", "They should make a Rosetta Stone for men to understand women.\n", "\n", "Manning and Bronco defense beat Pats for trip to Super Bowl \n", "\n", "The Zika virus could spread to Africa and Asia, with the world's highest birth rates: WHO. \n", "\n", "This guy is struggling to competently manage a crisis in a city of 100,000 people, but he's still The Wonk's Choice because he got good grades and talks about reading books a lot\n", "\n", " Bernie Sanders: \"We have sent a message that will echo from Wall Street to Washington.\" \n", "\n", "Canada Day , formerly Dominion Day , is Canada 's national day , a federal statutory holiday celebrating the anniversary of the 1 July 1867 enactment of the British North America Act , which united Canada as a single country , which was in turn composed of four provinces . Canada Day observances take place throughout Canada as well as internationally.\n", "\n", "What do you call a cowboy with no money? Skint Eastwood.\n", "\n", "Praise Is Not Pudding\n", "\n", "China's Xi says dedicated to maintaining peace on Korean peninsula \n", "\n", "Two consonants and a vowel go into a bar\n", "\n", "Why do they leave out the letter B on \"Garage Sale\" Signs?\n", "\n", "See Emailing users.\n", "\n", "The Last Olympian received overwhelmingly positive reviews.\n", "\n", "My best mate died after taking an 'E'. The security at the Countdown TV studio don't mess about!\n", "\n", "Iran's Khamenei suggests wants only conservative election candidates, hinting at rift with Rouhani \n", "\n", "What do you call a man that steals everyday? Robin Daley\n", "\n", "A Great Dowry Is A Bed Full Of Brambles\n", "\n", "I have an EpiPen, My best mate gave it to me as he lay dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.\n", "\n", "From denial to Davos: BOJ's Kuroda brings out his stun gun \n", "\n", "[therapist's office]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: talking to people is so stressful. i wear headphones to avoid conversations and NEVER answer phone calls\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "therapist: you are the worst receptionist we've ever had\n", "\n", "Agrippa was born in Cologne in 1486.\n", "\n", "EU-UK deal 'very fragile' but Tusk hopeful for summit \n", "\n", "I went through 3 whole magazines at the doctors earlier. I would have kept on killing but they wrestled the gun away from me.\n", "\n", "These provinces may take the form of national churches or a collection of nations.\n", "\n", "The team has won three NFL Championships , including one Super Bowl.\n", "\n", "New arrivals go to the back of the queue.\n", "\n", "A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.\n", "\n", "Ciampi was born in Livorno.\n", "\n", "The paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless toilet.\n", "\n", "I don't use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never\n", "\n", "From arachne are derived the taxonomical class name Arachnida , and the name for spiders in many romance languages.\n", "\n", "My 20s: *drinks all the drinks, does all the drugs, has all the sex.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My 30s: *sits on the couch until it's no longer too early to go to bed\n", "\n", "Berlei Limited was one of the first Australian companies to expand outside Australia.\n", "\n", "Just saw a sign'Mute budgie for sale - Not going cheap'.\n", "\n", "Modern Warfare 3: The ultimate form of birth control.\n", "\n", "Draw Not Your Bow Till Your Arrow Is Fixed\n", "\n", "Members must speak the house language of French , but many also speak English and German as well.\n", "\n", "I got my wife the leg off a mannequin for Christmas. It's not her main present..just a stocking filler\n", "\n", "Someone tell Facebook that all relationships are complicated.\n", "\n", "*one night stand*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: wake me up before you go?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*next morning*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, strung from the ceiling like a yo-yo: gosh darn it\n", "\n", "Astronomy is one of the oldest sciences.\n", "\n", "It's not like we haven't all had a naked slip and slide incident in a puddle of cum before.\n", "\n", "See also WikiProject Musicians/Infobox for more information.\n", "\n", "This is usually worn if both the home and away kits clash with their opponents.\n", "\n", "- What do you call 2 gay guys named Bob? Oral Roberts\n", "\n", "Powerball jackpot to be split between holders of three tickets sold in three states: \n", "\n", "Celine Dion's husband, René Angélil, dies after battle with cancer \n", "\n", "Now called ` Back to Booktown ' , the township holds the event each year on the first weekend in May.\n", "\n", "The local name for them is Cagafogo.\n", "\n", "Brexit - What are the key areas of debate? Here's a rundown: \n", "\n", "I was actually born between the two , so no one really is correct . ''\n", "\n", "How do you make Anti-freeze? Hide her blankets.\n", "\n", "I've just hired a hot 19 year-old Swedish girl with massive tits to babysit my kids. Now where the fuck do I get some kids from?.\n", "\n", "Chicago police watchdog beefs up staff, pledges transparency \n", "\n", "Media mogul Rupert Murdoch and former supermodel Jerry Hall plan to tie the knot: \n", "\n", "Somali pirates gave me toothpaste & soap.\n", "\n", "What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell\n", "\n", "Men at 26 plays football, Men at 40 plays tennis, Men at 60 plays golf, have you noticed every time you get older, your balls gets smaller?\n", "\n", "how tf am I supposed to keep my man when there’s girls like this..\n", "\n", "Zeal Without Knowledge Is A Runaway Horse\n", "\n", "My toilet is full of it. He's always loaded with crap.\n", "\n", "I arranged a pessimists meeting today, it wasn't a great turn out. The room was half empty.\n", "\n", "One of the oldest cultures yet found is the Clovis culture of modern New Mexico.\n", "\n", "My friend asked me to stop singing oasis songs in public. I said maybe.\n", "\n", "Anything not made by God is made in China.\n", "\n", "When I’m dead inside but someone needs my emotional support\n", "\n", "Russia, facing widespread criticism, denies bombing civilians in Syria \n", "\n", "This is a Bad Thing.\n", "\n", "He That Does You An I!I Turn Will Never Forgive You\n", "\n", "A skeleton goes into a bar and orders a pint of beer and a mop..\n", "\n", "Two Israeli Arab girls held for stabbing security guard: police \n", "\n", "Elbit Systems, KBR win 500 million pound UK Defence Ministry contract \n", "\n", "Volkswagen struggling to agree fix for U.S. test cheating cars: source \n", "\n", "I think McDonald's only truthful menu item is the No. 2\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the overly sensitive burglar? He was always taking things personally.\n", "\n", "piñata: alright kids now it's a party\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "kid: [picking up metal bat]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "piñata: [clears throat] kids\n", "\n", "So Many Countries, So Many Customs\n", "\n", "It was first published in 1990.\n", "\n", "Why are Mike Tyson's eyes always red after sex? Pepper Spray\n", "\n", "Marie Skłodowska - Curie was the first woman to win a Nobel prize and the first person to win two Nobel Prizes.\n", "\n", "I've never met a mirror I didn't like.\n", "\n", "[4 minutes of silence after sex]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "PAUL REVERE: i-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: are u even british?\n", "\n", "A limbo dancer walks into a bar and loses the competition.\n", "\n", "Some of the museums collections were lost in the fire.\n", "\n", "He Goes Long Barefoot That Waits For Dead Man's Shoes\n", "\n", "I've pretended to be asleep so I didn't have to talk to anyone more than I care to admit\n", "\n", "I named my Iphone \"Titanic\". It's syncing now.\n", "\n", "cashier: it says your card was declined \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: weird! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "narrator: it was not weird. it was, in fact, exactly what the broke bitch expected.\n", "\n", "[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot\n", "\n", "Did you hear the latest joke about Baltimore? It's a riot\n", "\n", "Me, sending a text at 10pm: it’s fine, who goes to bed at 10pm\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, getting a text at 10pm: what nocturnal fuckery is this\n", "\n", "I'm sure it was my two-year-old son who stole my pen. It's written all over his face.\n", "\n", "India, U.S. closer to pact to share military logistics: officials \n", "\n", "Větrný Jeníkov was first documented in 1226.\n", "\n", "Like Master, Like Man\n", "\n", "Women earning less than men 'is nothing but old-fashioned sexism,' Sanders at Town Hall \n", "\n", "[karaoke]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Just like the white winged dove, sings a song sounds like she's singin'\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SEAL: ORT!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Baby,\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SEAL: ORT!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Said\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SEAL: ORT!\n", "\n", "Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.\n", "\n", "- Why did the Italian staple his nuts together? Since he couldn't lick them, he felt he should join them\n", "\n", "What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?\r\n", "\r\n", "Gloves.\r\n", "\r\n", "Just kidding, he hasn't gotten the box open yet.\n", "\n", "Amazon expands logistics reach with move into ocean shipping \n", "\n", "a thumbs up is more effective than any middle finger. double thumbs up is considered an energetic attack\n", "\n", "GENIE: Alright you have one wish left are you sure there’s not something you’ve wanted to wish for? [gesturing to my son who’s in a wheel chair]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [holding 2 beef jerky sticks] A third.\n", "\n", "Tweet call game contest:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "We give you 3 words and you have to include 2 (bonus if you use all 3) of those words in the tweet then link it here. They'll be rt and liked. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Best tweet will be quoted and pinned to my profile\n", "\n", "I just melted an ice cube by staring at it. Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.\n", "\n", "The first of Strabo 's major works , Historical Sketches , written while he was in Rome , is nearly completely lost.\n", "\n", "New study shows that slight overweight women live longer Than the men who mention it\n", "\n", "What do a pimp and a redneck have in common? They both know how to throw a good hoe down.\n", "\n", "Kid: If the dinosaurs were still here they'd kill all the people.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, watching plastic pollution slowly destroy the earth: They still might.\n", "\n", "In 1985 the new Green Party prepared to enter into a German state government for the first time in its history.\n", "\n", "The trade name Simplex was used from the early days ; in 1972 the company was renamed Simplex Mechanical Handling Ltd.\n", "\n", "Out with the lads from OCD anonymous tonight. Things aren't gonna get messy.\n", "\n", "Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop making Airplane! references.\n", "\n", " Donald Trump takes the stage after losing Iowa caucus to Ted Cruz \n", "\n", "Hungary's referendum on migrant quotas 'in 150 days at earliest' \n", "\n", "I'll never tell anyone that I'm secretly addicted to eating glue. My lips are sealed.\n", "\n", "Al Qaeda in Syria calls for an escalation in fighting as deadline nears: \n", "\n", "UBS rates bankers' behaviour in performance review revamp - sources \n", "\n", "It can make normal employment or family life impossible.\n", "\n", "I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick. She's still not talking to me.\n", "\n", "But I couldn't hold it together 'cause I was too young and crazy in those days an ' everybody in the band was grown men , so much older than me . ''\n", "\n", "I was gonna throw all of my socks in the bin, but I got cold feet.\n", "\n", "[trojan horse]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "trojan: i can't believe the greeks made us such a nice statue. especially since they're so smelly and gross\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "horse: *in very humanlike voice* no you're smelly and gross\n", "\n", "Winter is now here. And Have I changed the stained silk sheets? No, but they've gotten worse.\n", "\n", "A bloke just ran up to me and said he was going to beat me up with the neck of his guitar! I said, is that a fret?\n", "\n", "Very little is known of Dowland 's early life , but it is generally thought he was born in London.\n", "\n", "one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, its \r\n", "You\n", "\n", "VW China Chief: 'volume isn't everything' in contest with GM \n", "\n", "Me: darling, I’d like to watch tv tonight is the wind blowing?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: it doesn’t work like that you dumb bitch\n", "\n", "What country does fried fish swim in? Greece\n", "\n", "Smoking cigarettes is a great way to commit suicide if you're a procrastinator.\n", "\n", "A falling battery killed a man today. It was charged with murder.\n", "\n", "noah: hey little bud :) you need to be in a pair to get on the ark\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "single celled organism: oh, sorry!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "noah: no worries, just—wait what\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "double celled organism: mitosis :)\n", "\n", "This first semen volume is small.\n", "\n", "South Sudan opposition forces allowed back into capital: monitor \n", "\n", "Blast near consulate buildings in eastern Afghan city: official \n", "\n", "To Pull The Chestnuts Out Of The Fire For Somebody\n", "\n", "I'm fine, I'm fine... you just got me right in the nads...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "... Jesus Christ...\n", "\n", "DATE: I want someone that is a total animal in bed\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [thinking about the mountain of empty pizza boxes in my room] I hope you like raccoons\n", "\n", "Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.\n", "\n", "What do you get when you pour scalding water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies.\n", "\n", "Kurt hates progressives so much he’s escalated right into “progressives are at fault for the holocaust”\n", "\n", "It was first mentioned in 1309 , but it might have been built one or two hundred years before.\n", "\n", "[FRAT BATHROOM]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "BOY: yeah it’s a little dirty in here but i’m a clean person all us brothers are\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "RAT USING URINAL: that’s true we all pitch in\n", "\n", "What do you call a pile of cats? A MEOWTAIN.\n", "\n", "It features five live tracks filmed during the Louder Than Love tour.\n", "\n", "Oil lobby warns UK output could halve by 2025 if money dries up: \n", "\n", "Turkish army bombs Kurdish militant PKK camps in northern Iraq: sources \n", "\n", "At what point does a Lamb become a Sheep? When its had it's Baaaaa-Mitzvah! \n", "\n", "Anti-abortion activists indicted in Texas for Planned Parenthood video \n", "\n", "Some guy knocked on my door today and said, \"I have a parcel for your next door neighbour.\" I said, \"You've got the wrong house then mate.\"\n", "\n", "I recently got sick at the airport. My doctor says it's a terminal illness.\n", "\n", "just found out Father’s Day is actually the day when My Dad kicks Your Dad’s ass\n", "\n", "The girl I lost my virginity to was retarded. I wanted my first time to be special.\n", "\n", "He Is Happy That Thinks Himself So\n", "\n", "Apparently it's only repartée if it comes from the repartée region of France otherwise it's just sparkling wit.\n", "\n", "The template name is MySpace and the first argument is the name of the MySpace account.\n", "\n", "This template gives the Gregorian serial day.\n", "\n", "They had 19 children together.\n", "\n", "Me: struggles with mental health, has trouble making rent, 9 unanswered calls from mom, can't find cat\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Also me: I should start dating again\n", "\n", "Migrants block Greek motorway as bottleneck grows \n", "\n", "Misfortunes Tell Us What Fortune Is\n", "\n", "It literally means `` precious one ''.\n", "\n", "WHO sees Zika link proven in weeks as U.S. and India lead vaccine race - \n", "\n", "why did i find a painting of ed sheeran at the van gogh museum\n", "\n", "What do you call a man with 3 eyes? Seymour\n", "\n", "People think missionary is boring but I literally can't cum until I convert a Pagan to Christianity\n", "\n", "It’s great that your system has changed and I can now speak my questions and repeat them 14 times OR endlessly push buttons, but does a pharmacy tech now come on the line before or after my aneurysm\n", "\n", "From beyond the grave, 'Iron Lady' Thatcher haunts Britain's EU debate \n", "\n", "In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.\n", "\n", "Talking to a guy today who invented crosswords. Can't remember his name though. S_e_e\n", "\n", "Business ponders 'horrific' cost of end to borderless Europe \n", "\n", "[taking out the trash]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: hey I live over there \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "neighbor: yes you say that every week\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: sorry I’m high as fuck \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "neighbor: you say that too\n", "\n", "His great zoological work , Historiae animalium , appeared in 4 vols.\n", "\n", " Accountabilibuddies a new comedy short. Please watch and share with your friends! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "https://vimeo.com/334507378 \n", "\n", "The good thing about life is that even if you're crap at it, you're guaranteed at least two certificates.\n", "\n", "If the intensity of your eye roll isn’t equal to a thousand tiny earthquakes, allow me to demonstrate.\n", "\n", "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.\n", "\n", "Are comedians funny or did they just never grow up?\n", "\n", "stages of a relationship\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- \"hanging out\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- \"seeing someone\" \r", "\r", "\r\n", "- dating\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- sitting in a tree\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- k-i-s-s-i-n-g\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- love\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- marriage\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- baby carriage\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- divorce \r", "\r", "\r\n", "- sex\n", "\n", "It lowers a note three semitones.\n", "\n", "Things Past Cannot Be Recalled\n", "\n", "Conversation so confusing, you feel like a contestant on “Wheel of Fortune”.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I’d like to solve the DM.\n", "\n", "[date smiles as I pour more wine] it's like you're trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha\n", "\n", "\"I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it.\"\n", "\n", "Islamic State rigs currency rates in Mosul to prop up finances \n", "\n", "What do you call an obese psychic? A four chin teller.\n", "\n", "The May Queen is a girl who is selected to ride or walk at the front of a parade for May Day celebrations.\n", "\n", "Cameron tries to sell EU deal after London mayor backs Brexit \n", "\n", "Yo Mama is so ugly, it affects her self-esteem.\n", "\n", "A woman looked in the mirror and was shocked to see her first strands of grey hair. She thought she'd dye.\n", "\n", "I bought an off-road vehicle in a blind auction..Got it delivered and It was a canoe.\n", "\n", "My House Is My Castle\n", "\n", "Turkey summons U.S. envoy over comments on Kurdish PYD in Syria \n", "\n", "FIFA candidate Champagne protests over election observers \n", "\n", "I went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles. She asked \"hardback?\" and I was like \"yeah, and little heads\".\n", "\n", "Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.One is to let her think she is having her own way,and the other is to let her have it\n", "\n", "Why was the mortgage sad? Because it was a loan.\n", "\n", "whales can go sideways and shit\n", "\n", "me *driving past the apocalypse*: Horses\n", "\n", "How do birds see what's behind them?By looking in their wing mirrors.\n", "\n", "Bombardier to cut jobs, signs with Air Canada for 75 CSeries jets: \n", "\n", "Oh my heart thank you all love seeing your beautiful faces ! https://twitter.com/petraandjr/status/1134418685244952576 …\n", "\n", "It is open to the public.\n", "\n", "U.S. defense budget focuses on changing security environment: Carter \n", "\n", "Singapore slaps S$180,000 fine on North Korea-linked shipper \n", "\n", "Islamic State video purports to show Paris attackers, threatens Britain \n", "\n", "Triple H responded that only the end of the night would reveal who would still be champion.\n", "\n", "Syria opposition to meet Tuesday, blames Russia for 'obstacles': \n", "\n", "Doctor brother of UK's finance minister struck off medical register \n", "\n", "He is one of only two Italian Formula One World Champions in the history of the sport , and the only one winning his two championships in a Ferrari.\n", "\n", "For the most recent events see the.\n", "\n", "*battlefield turns into a giant orgy*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Cupid: sorry sorry, these are the only type of arrows I have\n", "\n", "The British launched two unsuccessful counterattacks but fought off Italian attacks on two further hills.\n", "\n", "Syrian Turkmens cross to Turkey, fleeing advances of pro-Assad forces \n", "\n", "Rampion is another name for the Rapunzel flower, so the lyrics “ripping up the rampion, my champion, my favorite” sung by Rapunzel’s witch in ‘Into the Woods’ are in fact brilliant, respect the audience’s intelligence and also drive narrative and I don’t know why I’m writing this\n", "\n", "Why don't oysters give to charity? Cos they're shellfish.\n", "\n", "North Korea turns to 'old workhorse' rocket to repeat past success: \n", "\n", "Today Görlitz and Zgorzelec , two towns on opposite banks of the narrow river , get along well.\n", "\n", "FBI tightens grip on final occupiers at Oregon wildlife refuge \n", "\n", "Philippines asks China to respect outcome of arbitration in territorial dispute \n", "\n", "While traveling through a wormhole , subluminal speeds are used . If two points are connected by a wormhole , the time taken to traverse it would be less than the time it would take a light beam to make the journey if it took a path through the space outside the wormhole.\n", "\n", "My cat is recovering from a massive stroke.\n", "\n", "Are you flourine iodine and neon? Cause you are FINe.\n", "\n", "Hainaut is the westernmost province of Wallonia , one of the three regions of Belgium.\n", "\n", "Suspected suicide bombers attack market in north Cameroon: official \n", "\n", "life is a highway and im going to lay in the middle of it at midnight dressed in all black\n", "\n", " Les Moonves is appointed chairman of CBS board after Sumner Redstone resigns\n", "\n", "i hope this war with iran is over before barron is 18 or he's gonna get bone spurs\n", "\n", "He went on to say that energy use would rise `` because there would be more lights on in the early morning . ''\n", "\n", "My sister is showing off a huge diamond pendant with matching earrings at this party.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I brought extra red solo cups in my bag.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "One of us has to be adopted.\n", "\n", "An electric fish is a fish that can generate electric fields.\n", "\n", "Some versions say Artemis helped her mother give birth to Apollo for nine days . Another variation states that Artemis was born one day before Apollo , on the island of Ortygia and that she helped Leto cross the sea to Delos the next day to give birth to Apollo.\n", "\n", "Gaye had three children.\n", "\n", "Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. 'Delicious,' she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.\n", "\n", "The three fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Twitter and tell-a woman.\n", "\n", "There are three types of special boxes.\n", "\n", "me: wow is that a mocking bird\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "mocking bird: \"WoW iS tHaT a MoCkInG bIrD\" fuck you\n", "\n", "A polarizing force, Haiti's former soldiers return to streets \n", "\n", "My bicycle keeps falling down. I just can’t stand it.\n", "\n", "How do you get a woman to stop giving blowjobs? Marry her.\n", "\n", "'Age is just a number'. Nonsense! It's quite clearly a word!\n", "\n", "A timeline of the troubled history of Iran-Saudi relations: \n", "\n", "What do you get if you jump into the red sea? Wet.\n", "\n", "How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to pour the Tab, and one to phone Daddy.\n", "\n", "What do you do if your wife keeps moaning at you? Put the phone down and order another drink from the bar.\n", "\n", "What do you get for stealing a slut's vegetables? Her peas.\n", "\n", "Iran should diversify economy even if oil rises: Rouhani \n", "\n", "I don't believe in the afterlife, but I Brang a pair of clothes, just in case.\n", "\n", "Naturalized American says detained in North Korea for spying: CNN \n", "\n", "Russia boosts ties with Iraq in challenge to U.S. influence \n", "\n", "Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Boss: WORK-related questions\n", "\n", "What stands in a field and goes \"Oooooh!\"? A cow with no lips.\n", "\n", "I can't believe pretzels are knot bread.\n", "\n", "What's round and bad tempered? A vicious circle.\n", "\n", "What's long and hard on a black man? The first grade.\n", "\n", "your unemployed uncle who teaches you to write 'boobs' on a calculator\n", "\n", "Rivalries, squabbles hinder Libya's unity government \n", "\n", "He concluded that the production `` isn't about two women being funny.\n", "\n", "[in bed]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: do u wanna spoon\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *eating oatmeal with my hands* not right now mom\n", "\n", "How do you make a horse drink? Put it in a blender.\n", "\n", "To make your code readable and easy to edit , you can put each wrappable `` line '' on its own line.\n", "\n", "What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine.\n", "\n", "Serving size suggestion: 1/2 cup\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: No.\n", "\n", "The label on my biscuits said \"Store in a cool place \"So I mailed them to Samuel L Jackson's house.\n", "\n", "Our local cinema is showing a special version of the latest James Bond film, just for dyslexics. Respect.\n", "\n", "Water vapor or water vapor , also aqueous vapor , is the gas phase of water.\n", "\n", "There may not be enough trained health workers or monetary resources to provide even a basic level of medical care and disease prevention.\n", "\n", "What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? Attire\n", "\n", "Guatemala sex slave victims seek $3 million in damages in historic wartime rape trial \n", "\n", "Interviewer: Do you have any questions?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Yes, why are they called porn stars and not coming attractions?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Interviewer: I mean questions about the job...\n", "\n", "I used to earn a living doing backing vocals. I can still remember the words \"This vehicle is reversing\".\n", "\n", "Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone in 1876.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "So no, Eric. I don’t believe 1850 really called asking for their monocle back.\n", "\n", "I hope the guy behind me at this bank appreciates my artwork\n", "\n", "Spice up your life. Go to restaurants and pronounce “lamb” with a hard B until somebody corrects you.\n", "\n", "Life gets easier when youre part of the problem.\n", "\n", "Someone told me I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.\n", "\n", "People laugh at my car because it's ugly and green. But at least I avacado\n", "\n", "I watch pom. You misread that, didn't you?\n", "\n", "A forest of great age is called old growth forest or ancient woodland.\n", "\n", "During this time Thomas began to regenerate the castle for Catherine 's use , but only one room that he had built remains today.\n", "\n", "My 'Aha!' moments are other people's 'duh' moments.\n", "\n", "Flint has highest rate of vacant homes in United States: report \n", "\n", "One reason that the scheme initially works so well is that early investors those who actually got paid the large returns commonly reinvest their money in the scheme.\n", "\n", "Boy tapes picture of his father to a boomerang, walks down to the lake.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"I know you'll come back.\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "He throws it far. The sun is in his eyes.\n", "\n", "Children often receive red envelopes emblazoned with the Takarabune which contain gifts of money around the New Year.\n", "\n", "Yo momma so fat she have flabby thighs but lucky for you her stomach covers em.\n", "\n", "Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush\n", "\n", "I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.\n", "\n", "Energy transfer is the transfer of energy from one body to another.\n", "\n", "\"Money doesn't buy happiness.\" That phrase should end in just kidding.\n", "\n", "A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.\n", "\n", "Minnie first appeared in Plane Crazy.\n", "\n", "The problem with this type of mill arose from the lack of gearing ; the speed of the water directly set the maximum speed of the runner stone which , in turn , set the rate of milling.\n", "\n", "It's complicated, China says of relationship with Taiwan \n", "\n", "I wish some conversations came with a fast-forward button.\n", "\n", "The event was the third WrestleMania at Madison Square Garden but the fourth to take place in the New York metropolitan area.\n", "\n", "Knock, knock. Who's there? Dumbell. Dumbell who? Dumb bell doesn't work so I had to knock.\n", "\n" ] }, { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "Soon after returning from their reward , Cirie successfully built her first fire.\n", "\n", "Swedish police investigate killing at refugee center \n", "\n", "If ICE agents show up at your door, know your rights.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Si agentes del ICE llegan a tu puerta, conoce tus derechos.\n", "\n", "'Radical' candidate in Hong Kong poll exposes underlying tensions \n", "\n", "Gluttony Kills More Men Than The Sword\n", "\n", "What do you call a food that turns black people on? An afro-disiac.\n", "\n", "Arby's is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby's, \"where there are not very many birds\" that's our new slogan\n", "\n", "HUMANS: (invent sodomy, oral sex, and homosexuality)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "GOD: (secretly super impressed, but also jealous and angry he didn't think of them first) um those are sins actually\n", "\n", "ACE is , broadly speaking , a measure of the power of the hurricane multiplied by the length of time it existed , so storms that last a long time as well as particularly strong hurricanes , have high ACEs.\n", "\n", "In humiliation, Argentina says manhunt still on for fugitives \n", "\n", "Radioactive material stolen in Iraq raises security fears about Islamic State. \n", "\n", " Carly Fiorina ends 2016 White House race - Facebook post \n", "\n", "The deadly Islamist attack at a Somali beachside restaurant. \n", "\n", "[end of date]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *reading* you have a very unusual name\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: that's my phone number\n", "\n", "\"Sorry, if I'm staring. I don't often see a woman in fishnets.\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"Please help me,\" said the last mermaid, struggling weakly.\n", "\n", "U.S. jobless claims fall; manufacturing appears to stabilize \n", "\n", "Grandad leant over to Grandma \"I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?\" Grandma \"Put a new battery in your hearing aid\"\n", "\n", "Thais turn to 'child angel' dolls as economy struggles: \n", "\n", "Philippines to put up for sale seized Marcos property, jewelry \n", "\n", "guys i forget what makes america the greatest country in the world is it the monthly mass shootings or the concentration camps\n", "\n", "The character Angel was first seen in the first episode and became a regular , appearing in the opening credits during Seasons Two and Three.\n", "\n", "Pasargadae , the capital of Cyrus the Great and also his last resting place , was a city in ancient Persia , and is today an archaeological site and one of Iran 's ten UNESCO World Heritage Sites.\n", "\n", "Give A Fool Rope Enough, And He Will Hang Himself\n", "\n", "Again. Misogyny is the reptilian brain stem of right wing ideology. It is not a bug. It is the feature. Wake. The. Fuck. Up.\n", "\n", "Abe adviser says Japan may need FX intervention to limit yen's gains \n", "\n", "Fish Begins To Stink At The Head\n", "\n", "What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take me awhile to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.\n", "\n", "As a result of this acquisition and the legal dispute with Hearst Corporation , Mandrakesoft announced that the new company name would be Mandriva , and that Mandriva Linux would be the new name covering products.\n", "\n", "Former spy seeks to show UK knew of Guantanamo torture: Sunday Times \n", "\n", "Many human cultures make use of ants in cuisine , medication and rituals.\n", "\n", "Russia could cut defence procurement spending - sources \n", "\n", "\"Wanna take this outside?\" I say, spinning my nunchucks. Nana backs down. As usual.\n", "\n", "Not mature enough to ever hear hung jury\n", "\n", "my nephew opens a door in my mansion labelled ‘tweet drafts” and i run to block his view but it’s too late. he’s seen the room and all it has is a chalkboard with ‘jon bon voyage’ written on it for when bon jovi dies\n", "\n", "A Curst Cow Has Short Horns\n", "\n", "You can walk into the desert and bury your entire body in the sand and stay there no one will stop you\n", "\n", "Mother: \"Did you enjoy your first day at school?\" \r\n", "Girl: \"First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?\n", "\n", "Westley: Inhale this, but do not touch...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Vizzini: I smell noth-oh wait now I smell it, that's disgusting \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Westley: He who smelt it also dealt it\n", "\n", "Me: you seen those videos where they fix stuff just using ramen noodles?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Therapist: that won't work on your life\n", "\n", "me: [falling in love with my karate instructor] how about we turn this roundhouse into a roundhome\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "karate instructor: *roundhome kicks me in the gut*\n", "\n", "Retro Shopping: comparing prices after you have bought the item.\n", "\n", "I wish Google Maps had an 'Avoid the Ghetto' routing option.\n", "\n", "In this scenario , it may be easy to make claims about conflict of interest.\n", "\n", "He That Would Have Eggs Must Endure The Cackling Of Hens\n", "\n", "I spent most of last night in jail. Couldn't roll a double for the life of me.\n", "\n", "SSE restores power supply in Scotland after storm Henry \n", "\n", "One time I made eye contact with a hipster in a coffee shop and a vape cloud appeared and carried me to a thrift store.\n", "\n", "I've been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to shower, comb my hair and brush my teeth. I think they might be trying to groom me\n", "\n", "Just bought some Emo grass seed for the lawn. It cuts itself!\n", "\n", "Platini appeals FIFA ban, tribunal says: \n", "\n", "After this the fountain begins to boil and begins dissolving everything in the cave.\n", "\n", "Today I took a class on castration It was all neuter me\n", "\n", "Japan's Sharp decides to accept Foxconn takeover offer: source \n", "\n", "What might a farmer put on his resume? Works well with udders. \n", "\n", "Knock, Knock. Who's there? Europe. Europe who? Don't call me a poo!\n", "\n", "Attenborough has no respect for crabs. Always gives them ridiculous music. They are jesters to him\n", "\n", " AIG to pursue spin-off of mortgage insurance unit: \n", "\n", "Me: I'm terrified of heterosexuals\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight -\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*\n", "\n", "What is the most vulnerable animal in the world? The frog. When you touch it, it croaks. Put another way, one touch and it's toadalled.\n", "\n", "He was born in Oporto , Portugal.\n", "\n", "If this reaction does not take place , phenylalanine accumulates and tyrosine is deficient.\n", "\n", "Whats the difference between acne and a priest? Acne waits until a boy's 14 to come on his face.\n", "\n", "Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.\n", "\n", "What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.\n", "\n", "A woman’s DMs after she posts anything even vaguely sexual\n", "\n", "Clinton wins New York Times endorsement in U.S. presidential race \n", "\n", "One day, my kids will figure out \"silly goose\" means \"fuckin asshole.\"\n", "\n", "Sometimes I forget how to spell a word and I change the entire sentence just to avoid using that word.\n", "\n", "Macedonia police fire teargas on migrants at Greek border: \n", "\n", "When Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung?\n", "\n", "These tourist deaths in the Dominican Republic are the closest thing we’ve had to a real-life Scooby Doo mystery in years.\n", "\n", "In October 2008 , he dropped out of the world top three ranking for the first time since July 1996.\n", "\n", "I couldn't stay awake at work. I kept falling asleep and dreaming I was the Michelin man. I was very tyred.\n", "\n", "Branson's Virgin Galactic unveils new passenger spaceship \n", "\n", "She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "He (sigh): Ok It's...your \"signature sex move\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "She: Judgmental Corpse?\n", "\n", "Pentagon releases photos tied to Afghan, Iraq detainee abuse \n", "\n", "Two Virginia students appear in court over murder of 13-year-old girl \n", "\n", "One can also calculate the internal energy of electromagnetic or black body radiation.\n", "\n", "Why did the Irish call their currency the \"Punt\"? Because it rhymes with Bank Manager\n", "\n", "Humans are just ghost sweaters.\n", "\n", "Baby: What you can sleep like if you dont have one.\n", "\n", "Euroa contains several retirement villages , one high school , and two primary schools.\n", "\n", "this paper straw tastes like maybe I don’t love baby turtles\n", "\n", "Carnivals are fun because you trust a person you would avoid on the street with your life for three minutes.\n", "\n", "Tom is bored with his dissolute life.\n", "\n", "Someone ripped the pages out of both ends of my dictionary today. It just goes from bad to worse!\n", "\n", "\"Thank you, Nevada\" -- Clinton \n", "\n", "just met a baby named bruce and I am shook\n", "\n", "North Korea took 70 percent of Kaesong wages for weapons program: South Korea \n", "\n", "What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.\n", "\n", "Did you know humans are born with four kidneys? Two of them grow into adult knees.\n", "\n", "Tyler Perry and Kanye West star in Tyler Perry and Kanye West directed by Tyler Perry and Kanye West with music by Tyler Perry and Kanye Wes\n", "\n", "nobody’s come up with the official male version of “sister wives” because honestly that’s just too many men\n", "\n", "Never trust a man with a bald head. For all you know, he could've been a Ginger!!\n", "\n", "I had a bit of a tough upbringing, and was afraid of creating a family, worried my child would feel the way I did growing up. Thanks to @JeffisTallguy I don’t need to worry about that. The sun rises and sets on our daughter for him, just as it should. Happy Father’s Day.\n", "\n", "Fantasy addicts should love it ''.\n", "\n", "[dentist office]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME {removing my hands}: You got a lot of teeth in there\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "PATIENT: Isn't that normal?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: I don't know\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DENTIST: How'd you get in here again?\n", "\n", "Gestation is 21-30 days and 2-5 young are born at a time.\n", "\n", "Two Is Company, three is a crowd\n", "\n", "I never liked my index and middle fingers but I’ve made peace with it\n", "\n", "My teacher threw sodium chloride at me. That's a salt!\n", "\n", "i want a girl with a short skirt and a looooooooooooooooong list of vaccinations\n", "\n", "Australia directed officials how to address Nauru rights concerns, documents show \n", "\n", "The first European settlers crossed Bass Strait landing near Geelong and worked their way up the Moorabool River with their sheep flocks.\n", "\n", "My girlfriend saw the backseat of my car last night! She said it needed hoovering.\n", "\n", "What kind of moron invented the fire blanket? Surely fire is warm enough already?..\n", "\n", "It's real hard being a single mother when you're male and In your mid-twenties.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway. Cannoli do so much. Now hes just a pizza history.\n", "\n", "So a scammer hacked my friend’s FB and reached out to me. I managed to keep him on the hook all morning. The following is my conversation with him - verbatim.\n", "\n", "I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!\n", "\n", "Measure For Measure\n", "\n", "Marcel Dupré was born in Rouen.\n", "\n", "In countries like Iceland and New Zealand , and other volcanic regions , water heating may be done using geothermal heating , rather than combustion.\n", "\n", "[to the tune of the Hot Pockets jingle]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Mark Hoppus\n", "\n", "How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits into your wife's clothes.\n", "\n", "Psychologists have attempted to measure it for well over a century.\n", "\n", "U.S. planes bombed Aleppo, not ours: Russia - \n", "\n", "Never Cackle Till Your Egg Is Laid\n", "\n", "Rival of Uganda's Museveni challenges presidential poll result \n", "\n", "The Spy Kids are given gushers filled with cyanide to take in case their mission gets compromised\n", "\n", "Taliban want removal from U.N. blacklist before peace talks \n", "\n", "ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.\n", "\n", "Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience\n", "\n", "With just days to go, rival camps bicker over who should be invited to Syria peace talks: \n", "\n", "Having started the Premier League season with an away match , beating Charlton 3-0 , Manchester City 's first home league match in their new stadium was not until 23 August.\n", "\n", "Barbara Pierce Bush is the wife of the 41st President of the United States George H. W. Bush , and mother of the 43rd President George W. Bush and 43rd Governor of Florida Jeb Bush.\n", "\n", "Please understand that when I call you a terf, I mean \"Trans-Exclusionary Rancid Fartgoblin\", because while not all radical feminists are trans-exclusionary, all trans-exclusionary people are fartgoblins.\n", "\n", "A vaccine for the ZikaVirus could be ready for emergency use before year-end: \n", "\n", "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.\n", "\n", "ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Not murdering.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ATTORNEY: But where were you?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: {sweating} The not murder store.\n", "\n", "I love this website because you can say literally anything, and someone, somewhere, instantly hates you.\n", "\n", "[Nature documentary]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Narrator: The average penguin typically reaches one metre in height.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: SHEILA! Remember that penguin we hit outside the convent?\n", "\n", "The Nutcracker comes to life , he and his band of soldiers rise to defend Clara , and the Mouse King leads his mice into battle.\n", "\n", "Egypt's Sisi tells interior minister to crack down on abuses by police \n", "\n", "U.S. commander sees al Qaeda Africa group strengthening \n", "\n", "Companies may also take out strike insurance prior to an anticipated strike , to help offset the losses which the strike would cause.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the Christmas themed porn? Jesus gets nailed.\n", "\n", "Chinese airline passengers to start transiting Taiwan \n", "\n", "sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes\n", "\n", "I'm making a show about two detectives who solve crimes over the phone. It's called Star Key and Hash.\n", "\n", "Cavs legs can't carry Lue's vision \n", "\n", "A guy walked into a bar. He got a light concussion.\n", "\n", "He Carries Fire In One Hand And Water In The Other\n", "\n", "I wish there was a cereal with human shaped things to eat, then I could be a cereal killer.\n", "\n", "Me: I’d kill for a donut\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Mob boss: you’re hired\n", "\n", "FCA targets six life insurers in fee transparency probe \n", "\n", "South Korea fires warning shots at suspected drone near border: media \n", "\n", "please enjoy these heavily cropped photos of a friend of mine who works at a bat sanctuary carrying bats around in her pocket\n", "\n", "Some words will , when transformed with ROT13 , produce another word.\n", "\n", "The Moon Does Not Heed The Barking Of Dogs\n", "\n", "It is not actually a true louse.\n", "\n", "What is Kanye West's favourite kind of omelette? Omeletteyoufinish\n", "\n", "\"hey what episode are you on?\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "-standard American greeting\n", "\n", "My girlfriend called me to break up with me because 'I don't understand the simplest concepts'--I said'Hang on, how'd you get in my phone?'\n", "\n", "I'm not a fan of shopping centres. Once you've seen one, you've seen the mall.\n", "\n", "One day y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶p̶r̶i̶n̶c̶e̶ ̶w̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶c̶o̶m̶e̶ she saved herself.\n", "\n", "Most jellyfish undergo two distinct life history stages during their life cycle.\n", "\n", "Boeing gets U.S. licence to talk deals with Iranian airlines \n", "\n", "I wrote 'DIVORCE', my wife wrote 'YES'. Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble.\n", "\n", "CHARLIE: [gets golden ticket] Grandpa I want you to come to the factory with me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "GRANDPA: Thank you Charlie!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[they embrace]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "OTHER GRANDPA: *getting out of bed* Cool, guess I’ll go fuck myself\n", "\n", "On 18 October 1967 , Venera 4 became the first spacecraft to measure the atmosphere of another planet.\n", "\n", "Islamists kill Somalia's former defense minister with car bomb: \n", "\n", "\"no, officer, I haven't seen my husband in weeks. yes, I'm terribly worried\"\n", "\n", "When he was 8 years old he ran away from home to join the army.\n", "\n", "Some authors use countable set to mean a set with the same cardinality as the set of natural numbers.\n", "\n", "[first day as a pet store employee]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "manager: where are all the snakes\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i let em go\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "manager: you WHAT\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: their vibes were way off\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "manager: {being attacked by snakes} you're right, these vibes are fucked dude\n", "\n", "Colombians smuggled drugs to New York on Spanish Navy ship: prosecutor \n", "\n", "See also military alliance and business alliance.\n", "\n", "Gilley , Lewis , and another cousin Jimmy Swaggart played piano together as children.\n", "\n", "'Affluenza' teen left in juvenile detention in Texas, for now: \n", "\n", "What do you call a bear in the rain? A drizzly bear.\n", "\n", "Knock, knock. Who's There? Impatient Cow. Impatient Cow wh...Mooooo!\n", "\n", "Wife: Why are you home so early?\r\n", "\r\n", "Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.\n", "\n", "3 men are on a boat. They have 4 cigars, but nothing to light them with. They throw a cigar overboard and the boat becomes a cigar lighter.\n", "\n", "Griffey Jr. heads Baseball Hall of Fame's Class of 2016 \n", "\n", "Singer Celine Dion's husband, René Angélil, dies after cancer battle \n", "\n", "Voting makes a difference. No matter how bored you are over Brexit, go out and vote. Any vote for Farage on Thursday won’t be seen by him as a protest but as support for his brand of far-right U.K. politics. The more votes against him, the greater the chance of stopping him.\n", "\n", "McLaren Automotive could triple car production by 2022: CEO \n", "\n", "State Street nears deal for GE's asset management arm - sources \n", "\n", "me when I was 10: when I grow up I’ll travel around the world solving ancient mysteries\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me now: stays in bed trying to decipher why no one likes me\n", "\n", "Albatrosses are amongst the largest of flying birds , and the great albatrosses have the largest wingspans of any extant birds.\n", "\n", "[milking a cow]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Farmer: what?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Cow: I mean - moo\n", "\n", "To Tell Tales Out Of School\n", "\n", "Tim Cook says Apple unlocking San Bernardino iPhone would be 'bad for America'\n", "\n", "“Have you got any kittens going cheap?” Asked a customer in a pet shop.\r\n", "“No, sir,” replied the owner. “All our kittens go “Meow.\n", "\n", "What do you call a vehicle with no fuel in Africa? Outtagascar\n", "\n", "I'm a fast listener. I listen to my girlfriend so fast I usually finish listening before she's done talking.\n", "\n", "Syrian opposition insists Russia should end air strikes: Interfax: \n", "\n", "How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for fresh prints.\n", "\n", "Study: The act of watching TV, texting and eating with an open textbook nearby.\n", "\n", "What do you call a vegetarian crocodile in Egypt? a Croc-in-de-Nile.\n", "\n", "Exercise bikes get you nowhere.\n", "\n", "Boult grabs two, Australia increase lead further \n", "\n", "U.S. East Coast girds for up to 2-1/2 feet of snow: \n", "\n", "What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint\n", "\n", "ME: Is there a ghost in here?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Ouija Board: {slides to no}\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: phew\n", "\n", "My mate has swallowed some Lego. The doctor's aren't too worried, but he's shitting bricks.\n", "\n", "I think the worst part about being an Asian is trying to tell whether you blinked in a picture or not.\n", "\n", "His libretti were set many times by many different composers.\n", "\n", "Hostage negotiator: let one hostage go as a show of good faith\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, one of the hostages: [raising hand] ooh, pick me pick me!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bank robber: I'll let one go if you send in ten pizzas\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: [quickly lowers hand]\n", "\n", "What did stevie wonder say when he got a cheese grater for Christmas? That's the most violent book I've ever read in my life!\n", "\n", "sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes\n", "\n", "[first day as a thief]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Partner: i said valuables\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, carrying a cat: don’t listen to him kween helen meowen you’re the most valuable\n", "\n", "China state TV airs confession by lawyer who helped Christian groups \n", "\n", "Penis, penwas, penalways will be\n", "\n", "They had three children , Blanca , Laura , and Alfonso.\n", "\n", "What did sushi A say to sushi B? WASSA-B!\n", "\n", "Sasuke 's first name comes the manga Sasuke by Sanpei Shirato , a series which Kishimoto likes , as well as from Sarutobi Sasuke , a fictional ninja featured in Japanese children 's stories.\n", "\n", "My wife's parking is unparallelled.\n", "\n", "In a sun-dappled forest two men are searching for buried treasure.\n", "\n", "Chinese Uighur suspects deny Bangkok bomb charges in court \n", "\n", "\"He was just doing a limited strike\" says the 'Face the nation' host\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“Oh…just a limited strike!\" @BernieSanders quipped, \"Oh, I’m sorry, I just didn't know that it's okay to simply attack another country with bombs. That’s a limited strike? That’s an act of warfare,”\n", "\n", "30 Seconds to Mars has received one awards from three nominations.\n", "\n", "\"One man's trash is another man's treasure\" is a great saying, but a terrible way to tell your kids that they're adopted.\n", "\n", "Him: i really like you \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I think we should break up \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: wow ok bitch\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: on second thought\n", "\n", "European rights body says worried by hate speech in Georgia \n", "\n", "I’m just like any other girl. I dream of a big wedding, standing beneath a flower arch reciting vows to my betrothed, secretly wishing they were Mater from Cars, disappointedly looking in the parking lot for that rusty, animated tow truck but still living happily ever after.\n", "\n", "Psst\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Hey\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I have a secret\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Come closer\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "A little closer \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "A littttle closer\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*screaming into ur ear* I DELETE TWEETS BECAUSE I DONT HAVE PERFECT SELF ESTEEM AND THATS OK\n", "\n", "New Year 's Eve or Old Year 's Night is on 31 December , the final day of the Gregorian year , and the day before New Year 's Day.\n", "\n", "Often they are decorated with frosting or marzipan made to look like carrots.\n", "\n", "She adopted the stage name `` Nina Simone '' in 1954 because she did not want her mother to know that she was playing `` the devil 's music ''.\n", "\n", "Funding lifts Uber China unit's valuation to $8 billion but profits absent \n", "\n", "is this art\n", "\n", "U.S.-led strikes likely killed five civilians in Iraq, Syria: statement \n", "\n", "She idolized the lead singer Connee Boswell , later saying , `` My mother brought home one of her records , and I fell in love with it ... I tried so hard to sound just like her . ''\n", "\n", "Oil prices rebound from sharp selloff; more volatility expected \n", "\n", "What do I do when I'm too attractive ? Oops, meant to google ;)\n", "\n", "Brazil dam burst tailings spill below early estimates \n", "\n", "Lawyer: So your bother is a lawyer.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:Yes. And my sister. And my other brother too.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Lawyer: well your parents must be very proud. And you’re a comedian? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: yes our immigrant parents love us the same amount, no further questions.\n", "\n", "Me drafting tweets when i’m drunk: this is hilarious! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me reading drafts when i’m sober: potango: a love story of a potato and a mango\n", "\n", "She eventually gives birth to their first child , a son , whom they name Tarō , as that is a common Japanese name for a first son.\n", "\n", "Intern mixed up the textures causing several humans to be born with skin of quartz, of bismuth. Several rocks now made flesh. They both scream the same.\n", "\n", "The Longest Day Has An End\n", "\n", "NFL panel recommends Carson for proposed L.A. stadium: \n", "\n", "My favourite vibrator died tonight. I’ll send him off the same way he lived his life, buried deep.\n", "\n", "Stop \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " ∧∧ \r", "\r", "\r\n", "(･_･)っ \r", "\r", "\r\n", "(っ / \r", "\r", "\r\n", " Lﾉ┘ \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " retweeting\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "　 ∧__∧ \r", "\r", "\r\n", "⊂ (・_・)　\r", "\r", "\r\n", "　ヽ ⊂二/ \r", "\r", "\r\n", " 　(⌒) /\" \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " OJ SIMPSON! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "　／　　　　　　　　　＼ \r", "\r", "\r\n", "　|　　●　　　　●　　 |　 \r", "\r", "\r\n", "　＼　　　＿＿＿　　　／\n", "\n", "Bank of England's Weale adds voice to unease over market rate view - Irish News: \n", "\n", "Sahara uses small savers to keep Aamby Valley afloat \n", "\n", "Turkish PM says work on new constitution will go on after main opposition pulls out \n", "\n", "NATO should open door to Macedonia, Georgia: Hungary foreign minister \n", "\n", "A warranty may be express or implied.\n", "\n", "China central bank: speculators should not dominate sentiment \n", "\n", "FBI moving in on last four occupiers at Oregon wildlife refuge: report \n", "\n", "His first starring role was at age 10 , in the television series Two Marriages.\n", "\n", "A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender reply's \"For you? No charge!\"\n", "\n", "Lord Don't Slow Me Down is a rockumentary film , looking back on British band Oasis ' Don't Believe the Truth world tour which took place from May 2005 to March 2006.\n", "\n", "Beauty is only a light switch away.\n", "\n", "The Devil Knows Many Things Because He Is Old\n", "\n", "Asian parents: *Your report card comes home* YOU GOT C?! WHY YOU GET C?! YOU NO C-SIAN, YOU NO B-SIAN, YOU A-SIAN!\n", "\n", "Me: I’m taking the dog for a you-know-what. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Husband: a w-a-l-k?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My dog:\n", "\n", "My therapist taught me about the power of positive thinking. Now, instead of saying \"I HAVE to go work,\" I say \"I GET to be exploited by corporate greed\"\n", "\n", "China's economy grew by around 7 percent in 2015, services made up half of GDP: Premier \n", "\n", "Brevity Is The Soul Of Wit\n", "\n", "It just expresses a truth.\n", "\n", "couldn’t sleep because I realized winnie the pooh and jack the ripper have the same middle names\n", "\n", "Most known carnivorous sponges have completely lost the water flow system and choanocytes.\n", "\n", "I'll act my age when I'm 69.\n", "\n", "In the first twenty minutes of a fawn 's life , the fawn begins to take its first steps.\n", "\n", "[wife drops me at the airport]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: have a safe flight\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I have no say in the matter\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife [already driving off]: die then\n", "\n", "Insight - Brexit, Brussels and the art of dealmaking \n", "\n", "$AAPL holds in after-hours trading after it reports lowest iPhone growth ever: \n", "\n", "And how many is many ? While it may well be true that millions of Yankees fans and hundreds of baseball experts would , if asked , name the Yankees as the best baseball team in history , the statement , as it stands , is too vague to be informative.\n", "\n", "There is a long tradition of watchmaking.\n", "\n", "I just showered at the gym and the body wash dispenser in my stall was empty, but the person in the stall next to me must have heard me struggling with it so she dispensed some from her stall and slipped her hand under the stall for me to scoop out WHAT JUST HAPPENED\n", "\n", "A & C Black is a British book publishing company.\n", "\n", "Takes one optional parameter , the year-number.\n", "\n", "Knappertsbusch was born in Elberfeld , today 's Wuppertal.\n", "\n", "Twin bomb blasts hit Syria's Homs, cause casualties: monitoring group, TV \n", "\n", "Friend: I don’t like these new food trends. Today every sandwich comes with aioli \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Your sandwich has nipples?\n", "\n", "Which U.S. state abbreviation is the best? I'm not sure, but Oklahoma's is OK. \n", "\n", "Myanmar's Suu Kyi readies for power as her party comes to parliament \n", "\n", "Roses are red. Violets are blue. I've got a knife. Get in the back of the van.\n", "\n", "SP42 goes through it.\n", "\n", "Has anyone ever actually done anything for shits and giggles\n", "\n", "Al Qaeda group releases video of Swiss hostage: monitor \n", "\n", "In a cascading configuration , the doors run on independent tracks so that while open , they are tucked behind one another , and while closed , they form cascading layers on one side.\n", "\n", "white people be like “oh climate change is gonna cause the earth’s temperature to rise by 2°? well I’ve completed the blazin wings challenge at bdubs so I think I’ll be ok”\n", "\n", "Why did Pee Wee Herman win the annual bass fishing contest? Experts say it's because he was a master baiter.\n", "\n", "What kind of water do you put into a waterbed? Spring water\n", "\n", "You haven't truly won an argument until the other person says \"whatever.\"\n", "\n", "Pigeons can only go back to one `` mentally marked '' point that they have identified as their home.\n", "\n", "In Islamic State battle, Cairo struggles to rally Sinai tribes \n", "\n", "IOC says will act on any evidence in French Olympic bid probe \n", "\n", "He Who Would Catch Fish Must Not Mind Getting Wet\n", "\n", "After Us The Deluge\n", "\n", "The album News and Tributes was first released on May 29 , 2006.\n", "\n", "My friend’s dog got out in Northern Brooklyn last night near Grand and Graham and they’re distraught looking for him. His name is Buddy. Can you keep your eye out for him if you’re local? Thank you! \n", "\n", "I’m sorry my cat tried to eat your baby.\n", "\n", "Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond\n", "\n", "Misfortunes Never Come Alone (Singly)\n", "\n", "Japan economy shrinks more than expected, highlights lack of policy options \n", "\n", "U.S. rejects 30 Syrian refugees amid tightened security \n", "\n", "Knock, Knock. Who's there? Euripides. Euripides who? Euripides trouser, you menda these trousers.\n", "\n", "I dated a girl with a lazy eye, but it didn't work out. She was seeing someone else on the side.\n", "\n", "Netflix: are you still watching? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Big Brother: yea\n", "\n", "Clearly had no fun at all at #osab with @florianalima . Thank you everyone for coming out to see us and chat! #paris #loveislove #pride https://www.instagram.com/p/ByinwqWB5o4/?igshid=1a5uv937z4rjh …\n", "\n", "[therapy]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: I guess I've always had trouble knowing who to speak to\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "secretary: you can go in now\n", "\n", "They are best known for their 1989 hit singles `` She Drives Me Crazy '' and `` Good Thing ''.\n", "\n", "Why don't U2's lawyers ever make any money? All their work is pro Bono.\n", "\n", "freaks and geeks season 2\n", "\n", "In early 1938 , Grace sent her to live with yet another one of her aunts , Ana Lower , who lived in the Van Nuys section of Los Angeles.\n", "\n", "Have you heard of the corduroy pillow? Its making headlines.\n", "\n", "This is not likely to take place until after the 2012 Olympics.\n", "\n", "Pfizer revenue rises as pneumonia vaccine sales jump \n", "\n", "Anyone need a job? I hear Malaysia Airlines is looking for people.\n", "\n", "At this time Plath and Hughes met , for the first time , W. S. Merwin , who admired their work and was to remain a lifelong friend.\n", "\n", "What do you call a deaf man with no limbs? Whatever you want.\n", "\n", "Plan to close Guantanamo has 13 U.S. prison sites, costs up to $475 million \n", "\n", "He also met his fellow Norwegian composer Rikard Nordraak , who became a good friend and source of great inspiration.\n", "\n", "Biology grows on you.\n", "\n", "China to prosecute two senior officials from Xinjiang over graft \n", "\n", "Same battles rage on 100 years after first U.S. birth control clinic \n", "\n", "The only reason why I'm hot is because I got fired.\n", "\n", "Cyclone-hit remote Fiji islands begin to receive aid, death toll 42 \n", "\n", "DOES THE PRINCE OF WHALES RULE OVER DOLPHINS TOO?\n", "\n", "Me: You vile seductress. Your evil ways will not go unpunished, I will defeat you. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My Wife: he’s talking to the moon again. WHO GAVE HIM A FUCKING TELESCOPE?\n", "\n", "God speaks to the fish , which vomits out Jonah safely on dry land.\n", "\n", "Legal proceedings for Sgt. Bergdahl halted due to classified material \n", "\n", "Least Said, Soonest Mended\n", "\n", "My beauty secret? Plenty of sleep, a healthy diet, a fortifying conditioner, and the soul of this small girl which I keep trapped in a handheld ivory mirror. How do you stay looking young and fresh? Comment below!\n", "\n", "His adventure begins one day when Professor Oak calls the two of them to his lab and gives them each a choice of Pokémon.\n", "\n", "Leslie gives Jess an art kit for his birthday , much to his delight.\n", "\n", "France's Picamoles sidelined with hamstring injury \n", "\n", "Events that happened during Locke 's lifetime include the English Restoration , the Great Plague of London and the Great Fire of London.\n", "\n", "Sometimes I watch football holding a PlayStation controller just to screw with girlfriends head.\n", "\n", "Opinion: Bank of Japan’s new currency salvo could backfire says Patrick Thal Larsen \n", "\n", "Thank you!\n", "\n", "SCOTUS case challenging public-sector unions echoes very different dispute: gay marriage. \n", "\n", "Why was the little ink blot so unhappy? Because his mother was in the pen, and they didn't know how long the sentence would be. \n", "\n", "While flood damage can be virtually eliminated by moving away from rivers and other bodies of water , since time out of mind , people have lived and worked by the water to seek sustenance and capitalize on the gains of cheap and easy travel and commerce by being near water.\n", "\n", "I start everyday with a sit up. I've done nearly 10,000 so far.\n", "\n", "The Exception Proves The Rule\n", "\n", "My mate just lost both hands in a horrible accident. I can't even begin to imagine how he feels.\n", "\n", "\"Can I have a pack of condoms?\" I asked the pharmacist. \"A small box?\" he asked. \"I hope so!\" I replied.\n", "\n", "Osborne warns of deeper spending cuts after growth falls short \n", "\n", "Nutritional changes may also cause bacterial filamentation.\n", "\n", "Venezuela raises fuel price, devalues bolivar amid crisis \n", "\n", "Pope says Donald Trump is \"not a Christian\" because of his views on immigration.\n", "\n", "The movie 's working titles were Mission Without Permission and Catch That Girl.\n", "\n", "Fox News, NBC and AP all call South Carolina for Trump \n", "\n", "They do not want that and nothing you do , however many of us you kill , will stop that flight to our city where freedom is strong and where people can live in harmony with one another.\n", "\n", "Top New York law officials call Apple's encryption stance irresponsible \n", "\n", "There is truth in wine. I drink whisky.\n", "\n", "tony stark, to spiderman: here kid, here's some armor i tailored especially for you that protects you and enhances all of your abilities\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "hawkeye, the most vulnerable avenger: cool guess i’ll just go fuck myself then\n", "\n", "Israeli security forces shoot dead three Palestinian assailants in separate incidents\n", "\n", "I'd like to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming like the passengers on his bus.\n", "\n", "If any Man shall steal any Thing in the Company , or game , to the Value of a Piece of Eight , he shall be marooned or shot.\n", "\n", "Italy agrees to let anti-Islamic State drones depart from Sicily \n", "\n", "You’re not a disney princess you’re 36 years old\n", "\n", "Beaumont junior retained in England squad to face Italy \n", "\n", "The problem with trying to find a decent human being to be leader of the Conservative Party, is that the only pool we have to select from... is the Conservative Party.\n", "\n", "\"Ted Cruz didn't win Iowa, he stole it\" - Trump calls for another vote after caucuses. \n", "\n", "its saturday queen dont worry about what im gonna tweet\n", "\n", "ghost hunter: is there a spirit here tonight\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ghost me: yeppers\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ghost hunter: did it just say fucking yeppers\n", "\n", "China cautions Australia over defense cooperation with Japan \n", "\n", "Tolstoy thought that Anna Karenina was his first true novel ..\n", "\n", "Yeah, Burger King sounds cool and all until you say the words Hotdog Emperor\n", "\n", "What do you call a leper in a hot tub? Stu\n", "\n", "Genius kid. Ugh my heart can’t handle the cuteness. https://twitter.com/makemorete/status/1136087637914247170 …\n", "\n", "If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.\n", "\n", "Why was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face-off in the corner.\n", "\n", "How did Jesus get his abs? Cross Fit.\n", "\n", "Around the world, in \n", "\n", "A notable type of promise is an election promise.\n", "\n", "Best gender reveal ever\n", "\n", "[being chased by a murderer]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: The way you're holding the knife is wrong. Professional chefs hold it just past the handle.\n", "\n", "How do you know you let a hippie stay at your house? He's still there.\n", "\n", "Local singles in your area have wounded you with their various blades. There's no use running now. They can smell blood for miles around\n", "\n", "Donald Trump was not in the room during the SOTU, but he was a looming presence: \n", "\n", "The prospect of a prompt fine equivalent to $ 600 US would help assure preventive compliance , as well as cover costs.\n", "\n", "My parents used to be happy when I took naps..now they think I'm lazy.\n", "\n", "Bangkok shrine bombers first targeted pier for Chinese tourists \n", "\n", "German minister warns countries not to push refugee burden onto Germany \n", "\n", "EU border agency says fewer Syrians arriving in Greece but rise in Iraqis \n", "\n", "Guinea journalist killed in clashes between opposition factions \n", "\n", "The US is the world 's single most powerful country , but much weaker than the rest of the world put together.\n", "\n", "My new thesaurus is terrible. It's also terrible.\n", "\n", "Saudi Arabia willing to send ground troops to Syria to fight ISIS: AP \n", "\n", "[in bed]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: what’s your fantasy\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: I co-own a car wash with Oprah \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: I mean like sexual fantasy\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: yeah\n", "\n", "Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck.\n", "\n", "Xerox to split in two; give Icahn three board seats: WSJ \n", "\n", "WAFFLE HOUSE EMPLOYEE: I know we're open 24 hours but it's been 3 days, please leave\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [gazes out window and locks eyes with the wolf that's been patiently stalking me for weeks]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [turns back to WH employee] I'm good here, thanks\n", "\n", "I just finished my degree in ballet. I got a 2:2.\n", "\n", "The worst job for a procrastinator? Ice sculpting.\n", "\n", "Time to clean the house and gouge out my eyes.\n", "\n", "Gerry Adams says Sinn Fein government in Ireland inevitable: \n", "\n", "My girlfriend once asked me what turned me on: her sexy body or pretty face, I replied' your sense of humor'\n", "\n", "Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It's either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.\n", "\n", "Tired apostrophes risk falling into a comma.\n", "\n", "Samsung Elec warns of difficult 2016 as smartphone troubles spread \n", "\n", "He That Fears You Present Wiil Hate You Absent\n", "\n", "Bahrain to free U.S. citizens accused of illegal gathering: lawyer \n", "\n", "Locomotives built by the Yorkshire Engine Company.\n", "\n", "Twitter results need to wow to reassure investors: \n", "\n", "What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky\n", "\n", "HSBC says Brexit could knock 20 percent off sterling, 1.5 percentage points off UK GDP growth \n", "\n", "taco bell employee: three forty is your change \r", "\r", "\r\n", "arby’s employee: sir, this is a wendy’s\n", "\n", "If you wanna make someone mad, lie. If you really wanna piss 'em off, tell the truth.\n", "\n", "Experience Is The Mother Of Wisdom\n", "\n", "China says U.S. seeks 'hegemony' after South China Sea sailing \n", "\n", "Ex-drug CEO Shkreli plans to replace lawyers: \n", "\n", "Turkey shells Syrian Kurds, Russia says will keep bombing anti-Assad rebels \n", "\n", "Knock, Knock. Who's There? Boo. Boo Who? No need to cry it's just a joke\n", "\n", "Pakistan praises Oscar for film denouncing 'honor killings' \n", "\n", "As with many explorers , Tasman 's name has been honored in many ways.\n", "\n", "Wiring every single lightswitch in the kitchen to turn on the garbage disposal.\n", "\n", "While they may help in online navigation , they wouldn't be of much use in a hard-copy book.\n", "\n", "It is buff to white below.\n", "\n", "Hezbollah criticizes Saudi Arabia, sees new chapter of struggle in Lebanon \n", "\n", "Why are wrong numbers never busy?\n", "\n", "Obscure at home, 'Texas Daddy' is a right-wing darling in Japan \n", "\n", "Stone Cold came out to confront Vince about it , and Vince stated that Stone Cold would be the one to defect.\n", "\n", "Indian-American Judge who could replace Scalia worked on controversial cases for business \n", "\n", "I just sent the wife a picture of my floppy willy. I wanted to let her know I was thinking about her.\n", "\n", "me: i've finally conquered my fear of ghosts\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "therapist: that's the spirit\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: oh fuck where\n", "\n", "everyone please share something that bothered u about a movie that isn’t talked about enough.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "i’ll go first.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "naming the ant in bugs life “Flick” is super insensitive to ants that have died from flicking. it’s like if they named bambi “Shotgun”\n", "\n", "Fine Gael , having gambled that former Taoiseach Garret FitzGerald would run as its candidate then approached another senior figure , Peter Barry , who had previously been willing to run but had run out of patience and was no longer interested.\n", "\n", "That way the Jews spoiled and poisoned the French people too much ''.\n", "\n", "How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Tentickles.\n", "\n", "Him: Flash me a smile. You're prettier when you smile.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.\n", "\n", "Facebook Movie showtimes: 4:00 6:00 8:00 10:00. Twitter Showtimes: 4:00 4:02 4:06 4:08\n", "\n", "My second job is killing me, but I can't survive without it. So, you see my dilemma.\n", "\n", "U.S. to boost freedom of navigation moves in South China Sea: admiral \n", "\n", "Ryōtei are typically a place where high-level business or political meetings can take place discreetly.\n", "\n", "The Atlantic Standard Time Zone is a geographical region that keeps time by subtracting four hours from either Coordinated Universal Time or Greenwich Mean Time , resulting in UTC-4 or GMT-4.\n", "\n", "Steven Avery of Making a Murderer case wants out on bond: \n", "\n", "The term work was first coined in 1826 by the French mathematician Gaspard-Gustave Coriolis.\n", "\n", "Mexico nabs infamous drug lord 'Chapo' Guzman after shootout \n", "\n", "I have a gift. Every time I approach something With wings, it flies away. It happens with women, too.\n", "\n", "Flamingos are fucking stupid\n", "\n", "North Korea satellite in stable orbit but not transmitting - U.S. sources \n", "\n", "God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Butterfly: please?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: I can’t do it.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Butterfly: ok fine : (\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.\n", "\n", "[First date at an aquarium]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: if I opened a seafood restaurant I would serve a sharkuterie board\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: SHARK-uterie\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: uhh\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *under breath* ᵗʰᶦˢ ᵈᵃᵗᵉ ᶦˢ ᶠˡᵒᵘⁿᵈᵉʳᶦⁿᵍ\n", "\n", "Kayakers and canoers also take to the lagoon and one can often see scullers as well.\n", "\n", "I got to work this morning to find a lump of Plasticine on my desk. I don't know what to make of it.\n", "\n", "During the climax Knowles is seen underwater moving upwards slowly in white clothing and when the chorus begins , Knowles opens her eyes.\n", "\n", "I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.\n", "\n", "You can’t have success without first having the succ\n", "\n", "My doctor told me I had high blood pressure, I took this news like I do everything else. With a pinch of salt.\n", "\n", "You wouldn't even need special toenail clippers if it weren't for the outsize proportions of the big toe vs all our other digits. Stunt queen.\n", "\n", "U.N. seeks $1.3 billion in humanitarian funding for South Sudan \n", "\n", "See the how-to guide for that.\n", "\n", "Anyone who gives @nickciarelli @bradfordevans and @drewtarver a sketch show will get the next I Think You Should Leave\n", "\n", "Principal photography was shot in Auckland , New Zealand within sixty days.\n", "\n", "Don't Have Thy Cloak To Make When It Begins To Rain\n", "\n", "Pisces is just Horoscope for fish and that’s why they’re compatible with Aquariums. Follow me for more Horoscope Insights.\n", "\n", "The 2002-03 season was Manchester City 's last at Maine Road , with the last match played on 11 May 2003.\n", "\n", "I just saw a man and woman at the supermarket wrapped in a barcode. I thought \"They must be an item\".\n", "\n", "Ugh, stewardess wants us to turn off our portable electronics. Knew I should've brought my full desktop PC for this flight.\n", "\n", "Life is full of disappointments and I'm full of life.\n", "\n", "How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I'm serious that Israeli how he does it.\n", "\n", "On May 31 , 1959 , she was taken to Metropolitan Hospital in New York suffering from liver and heart disease.\n", "\n", "First rule of gun safety: Don't piss me off.\n", "\n", "U.S. military says two more civilians killed, four hurt in air strikes \n", "\n", "What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff.\n", "\n", "Wife gets naked and asks hubby 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks at her and replies'Your sense of humour!'\n", "\n", "I couldn't repair your breaks, so I made your horn louder.\n", "\n", "Steven A. Cohen accepts two-year SEC ban on outside money \n", "\n", "I got married seven whole ass years ago lmao what\n", "\n", "The Eagles guitarist Glenn Frey dead at 67 \n", "\n", "Asian shares, oil skid as growth concerns dominate \n", "\n", "The Piciformes contain about 67 living genera with a little over 400 species , of which the Picidae make up about half.\n", "\n", "In England , Challis put forward the name Oceanus.\n", "\n", "One Lie Makes Many\n", "\n", "A Clean Fast Is Better Than A Dirty Breakfast\n", "\n", "To Bring Grist To Somebody's Mill\n", "\n", "He is regarded by many as a Canadian folk hero today.\n", "\n", "What did the Indian boy say to his mom before he left? Mumbai\n", "\n", "Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.\n", "\n", "Germany's Merkel under increasing pressure to reduce refugee numbers: ally \n", "\n", "lYou can thank your lucky stars that everything I wish for will never come true.\n", "\n", "[sex]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: oh! Oh! OH!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: o’reilyyyy\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: autoparts!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*we both cum*\n", "\n", "Had some sad news, my Dutch ex girlfriend died last week, she liked to wear inflatable shoes. Apparently she popped her clogs.\n", "\n", "Media studies students may see themselves as observers of media , not creators or practitioners.\n", "\n", "Sometimes, I put my hands on the floor, tuck my head toward my chest and then lean forward... 'Cause that's how I roll.\n", "\n", "Literacy is broken down into three parameters : prose , document , and quantitative literacy.\n", "\n", "lJoin the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.\n", "\n", "I asked my wife to act like a \"naughty school girl\". She forged a note from her mother saying she didn't have to participate.\n", "\n", "Watchdog report finds efforts to combat illegal gunrunning from the U.S. to Mexico stumbles \n", "\n", "When you already kinda think you're an asshole, but someone calls you that and you get pissed like how dare you fuckin notice\n", "\n", "New dinosaur species offers evolutionary clues: \n", "\n", "[last day as a music teacher]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, about to explain a deceptive cadence: so we're all familiar with edging, right?\n", "\n", "UK wage growth slows to lowest since February, unemployment rate unchanged: \n", "\n", "According to Ponticelli , France had done much for him , and serving was his way of showing his gratitude.\n", "\n", "Learning to love yourself is important. Just don't let your partner catch you doing it!\n", "\n", "Southern Yemeni officials survive car bomb attack in Aden \n", "\n", "Killer Kane swears on the Bible that he didn't murder Max 's mother.\n", "\n", "Defying Cameron, London's mayor to campaign for British exit from EU \n", "\n", "What if a butterfly got a tramp stamp of a trashy white girl?\n", "\n", "She died in 1961 from heart failure.\n", "\n", "South Korea seeks U.S. strategic weapons after North's nuclear test \n", "\n", "I want this to be said to me before I get out of bed every morning. This is everything I want\n", "\n", "Syrian Kurdish PYD head denies responsibility for Ankara attack: \n", "\n", "I got in the car with my drug dealer the other day. He drove around slowly for a while, before picking up speed.\n", "\n", "kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it\n", "\n", "I would be the funniest man alive if I had no morality.\n", "\n", "What do you call a cross dressing dinosaur? Trannysauras Rex\n", "\n", "I was gonna tweet a really good joke but the stupid autocorrect on my phone keeps ruining the lunchtime.\n", "\n", "You know what gets a man stiff?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Please tell me. Idk. This is why my husband is leaving me.\n", "\n", "Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.\n", "\n", " Cameron’s spokeswoman describes IS video as ‘propaganda’, says clear that IS in decline and in retreat\n", "\n", "Saudi coalition, Houthi rebels restricting Yemen aid access: U.N. \n", "\n", "Jan Zweyer is only his pen name . His real name is Rüdiger Richartz.\n", "\n", "The first Bahrain Grand Prix took place on 4 April 2004 , making history as the first Formula One Grand Prix to be held in the Middle East.\n", "\n", "I've been thinking about selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal.\n", "\n", "Argentina's Macri hopes for creditor deal early in 2016: \n", "\n", "It may be right to see Huxley 's life and work as contributing to the secularisation of British society which gradually occurred over the following century.\n", "\n", "It is named in honor of the Italian physicist Alessandro Volta , who invented the voltaic pile , one of the first early iterations of the first chemical battery.\n", "\n", "every work email i get:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "hey quick question - can you explain to me the functioning of this entire system and associated processes, the history of the program, and the life story of the creators and their kids' future goals? thanks\n", "\n", "'Dear Jean-Claude': Cameron thanks Juncker for deal 'creativity' \n", "\n", "Hindsight is 20/20\n", "\n", "And unfortunately we don't know in which of the cases this happens.\n", "\n", "Red Bull Racing is one of two Formula One teams owned by Austrian beverage company Red Bull.\n", "\n", "If corn oil is made from corn.. and vegetable oil is made from vegetables.. what is baby oil made from?\n", "\n", "See also WikiProject Musicians/Navbox for more information.\n", "\n", "Committing suicide is a 6 step process. \r\n", "Step 1: Find the edge of a cliff....\r\n", "....now take 5 more steps.\n", "\n", "Oil drops on China manufacturing slump, but tighter supply supports \n", "\n", "The white top segment , shows a ship at sea in full sail.\n", "\n", "Twin fawns , Geno and Gurri learn the pleasures as well as downsides of nature and their forest home , as their mother Faline raises them to adulthood.\n", "\n", "Robinson 's performance soon rebounded.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the guy who bought a sponge door? Can't knock it.\n", "\n", "This category lists notable people who were born in New Zealand or who had significant connections with New Zealand.\n", "\n", "Five murdered youth in Mexico confused for cartel members \n", "\n", "Quake fells Taiwan apartment building, at least five dead \n", "\n", "Syrian army and allies break rebel siege of Shi'ite towns: \n", "\n", "I hate it when my Ferrari runs out of gas and I have to drive my Lamborghini.\n", "\n", "EU has no plan 'B' if Britain votes to quit EU, Moscovici says:\n", "\n", "girl at party: ive heard of people living above chinese food or pizza places but never that\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me who always smells like quarter pounders: well it’s a thing ok\n", "\n", "Winter brings new dangers for migrants crossing frozen Balkan peninsula \n", "\n", "Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?\r\n", "A. Where you left it.\n", "\n", "Set A Thief To Catch A Thief\n", "\n", "U.S. Supreme Court agrees to hear President Obama's bid to resurrect his immigration plan: \n", "\n", "What's the difference between a hooker and a wife? One's contract, the other is pay-as-you-go.\n", "\n", "Why China's Ai Weiwei is withdrawing from two Danish exhibitions in protest: \n", "\n", "China will find it tough to achieve over 6.5 percent growth over 2016-2020: state adviser \n", "\n", "I'm addicted to having money in the bank. I really do suffer from withdrawals.\n", "\n", "What's the most successful pickup line ever? \"Does this smell like chloroform?\"\n", "\n", "Difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg.\n", "\n", "Half of our country has brain worms\n", "\n", "Some may exhibit mixotrophy.\n", "\n", "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.\n", "\n", "Did you hear the one about the three deep holes in the ground? Well? well? well?\n", "\n", "Sunbathing on the beach, the wife came up to me asked what I thought of her flip flops? \"Bloody horrible\", I said \"Put your bikini top back on\".\n", "\n", "It all makes sense. If pro is opposite of con, then the opposite of progress..\n", "\n", "The two tier architecture means that the client acts as one tier and application in combination with server acts as another tier.\n", "\n", "Kamenná was first documented in 1308.\n", "\n", "EU negotiators dissect but don't demolish draft deal for Britain \n", "\n", "My brother was jailed for his beliefs. He believed you could wank on the bus.\n", "\n", "The NBL/MAN engines were built by the North British Locomotive Company in Scotland under licence from the German company MAN.\n", "\n", "Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I'd use the elevators\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Hiring Manager:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Elevators, Sir.\n", "\n", "Him: *watching news* oh my god babe, it's happening... the water levels... Florida is sinking into the ocean. It's all going to be gone \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I'll get the popcorn\n", "\n", "pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere\n", "\n", "Me: (at pearly gates, visibly pissed) \"Bugs count?!\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "St. Peter: \"Bugs count.\"\n", "\n", "After short, tense meeting, Spain's Socialist head rejects backing Rajoy \n", "\n", "Andernos-les-Bains has a long sand beach.\n", "\n", "Why did Tony the Tiger go to prison? RRRrrrrrrrrrrrape!\n", "\n", "*walks into a bank with bags of money*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "THIS IS A REVERSE STICKUP EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN AND GET ON THE ROOF!\n", "\n", "Why is your mum like Princess Jasmine? She's always got Aladdin!\n", "\n", "50s: little angel \r", "\r", "\r\n", "60s: little mama \r", "\r", "\r\n", "70s: little girl \r", "\r", "\r\n", "80s: little teacher\r", "\r", "\r\n", "90s: young babe \r", "\r", "\r\n", "00s: was there music during this time\r", "\r", "\r\n", "2010-2018don't recall anything at all from this period\r", "\r", "\r\n", "2019 i bet this couldve been a pretty good joke\n", "\n", "To do this , the bats crush open the fruit and eat the parts that satisfy their hunger.\n", "\n", "Fed's Yellen sticks to her guns as market rout worsens: \n", "\n", "lAssassins Inc. We aim to please.\n", "\n", "White House says confident acted lawfully in Keystone pipeline rejection \n", "\n", "Growth accelerates in the first half of puberty and stops at the completion of puberty.\n", "\n", "Wolf is buried in the Zentralfriedhof in Vienna , along with many other notable composers.\n", "\n", "In Myanmar, slum eviction highlights Suu Kyi's military challenge \n", "\n", "Insight: Not in my backyard? Mainstream Scandinavia warily eyes record immigration \n", "\n", "i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years\n", "\n", "U.S. military discloses civilian casualties in Islamic State fight: \n", "\n", "A Fair Face May Hide A Foul Heart\n", "\n", "This is Ollie. He likes to eat bananas and climb trees, specifically in that order. Looks like a burglar but only stole my heart. 12/10 lovely pup\n", "\n", "I did get some dirty looks at the funeral but that cotton candy was delicious.\n", "\n", "It Is Easy To Swim If Another Hoids Up Your Chin (Head)\n", "\n", "New York asks SEC to force climate vote onto Exxon proxy\n", "\n", "someone please invent a peanut butter jar with a cap on each side so i can just flip it over instead of reaching for the bottom. i don’t even care about the patent. don’t pay me. just make this a thing.\n", "\n", "[Chasing a criminal]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Sir, I’m going to need to commandeer your vehicle.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bear with a fez riding a unicycle: *stares blankly*\n", "\n", "You laugh at me because I am different, but I laugh at you because you are all the same\n", "\n", "[walking barefoot through the woods with my date]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: you're not worried about splinters?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: nah he's a good guy\n", "\n", "I've just bought a border collie.The one I already had wasn't bored enough.\n", "\n", "A Fool May Ask More Questions In An Hour Than A Wise Man Can Answer In Seven Years\n", "\n", "HUMANS: (invent sodomy, oral sex, and homosexuality)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "GOD: (secretly super impressed, but also jealous and angry he didn't think of them first) um those are sins actually\n", "\n", "I got the wife a wooden leg for Christmas, it's not a main present, just a stocking filler.\n", "\n", "Every stalactite begins with a single mineral-laden drop of water . When the drop falls , it leaves behind the thinnest ring of calcite.\n", "\n", "Indian opposition raises concerns with Modi over student protests \n", "\n", "Slideshow: GOP battle in South Carolina \n", "\n", "Nobody:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Fight club member:\n", "\n", "What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.\n", "\n", "China stocks trading halted after rout \n", "\n", "India must strengthen planned law to protect transgender people, says rights group \n", "\n", "Indonesian police kill one suspected militant, arrested two more after Jakarta attack: \n", "\n", "Lies Have Short Legs\n", "\n", "How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?You will see one later and one in a while.\n", "\n", "Interviewer: Your previous employer said you have a questionable work ethic. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: That’s what she said?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Interviewer: That’s what she said.\n", "\n", "Nobody came to my aid when Harvard rejected me for digging strange holes all over campus and calling them bunkers.\n", "\n", "I start my new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.\n", "\n", "Brilliant\n", "\n", "Israel eyes more entry permits to Palestinian workers to douse tensions \n", "\n", "Once upon a time, computers were only used for Paint and Space Pinball.\n", "\n", "The 1988 Formula One season was the 39th season of FIA Formula One motor racing.\n", "\n", "JAL jet aborts takeoff evacuates after smoke from engine enters cabin \n", "\n", "This is the 'how-to' video game France has released in case of attacks like Paris: \n", "\n", "I supplied filofaxes to the Mafia. Yeah, I was involved in very organised crime.\n", "\n", "Agues Come On Horseback, But Go Away On Foot\n", "\n", "Snerdling: 19th century dialect for ‘wrapping up comfortably in bed’. In other words: peeking out from the duvet, thinking better of it, and sliding back under.\n", "\n", "Syria's war liberates Kurdish women as it oppresses others \n", "\n", "Do hot blondes get pop-ups saying, \"A 37 yr old ugly virgin from Solihull wants to have sex with you\"?\n", "\n", "Jikji consists of two volumes.\n", "\n", "No candidate elected outright in 1st round of FIFA presidential vote \n", "\n", "[dies, meets god]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: explain Florida\n", "\n", "No striking one another on board , but every man 's quarrels to be ended on shore , at sword and pistol.\n", "\n", "\"My dad can beam up your dad\" - Scottie's son\n", "\n", "Me: [screaming]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "You: [screaming]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "All of us: [screaming]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Ice cream parlour employee: I fuckin quit\n", "\n", " Classic SuperBowl moments through the years. \n", "\n", "My grandfather was ill so the Doctor told us to try covering him with lard..He went downhill pretty quickly after that.\n", "\n", "How long before the cracks show in China's great currency wall?: \n", "\n", "There are two main types of pasteurisation used today : High Temperature/Short Time and Extended Shelf Life treatment . Ultra-high temperature is also used for milk treatment.\n", "\n", "Breaking News! Ne ws\n", "\n", "A birdie told me I'm getting better at golf.\n", "\n", "Factbox - Highlights of EU deal with Britain:\n", "\n", "White House hopeful Trump projected to win Nevada caucus\n", "\n", "What's black and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre\n", "\n", "Many English composers of Butterworth 's time set Housman 's poetry , including Ralph Vaughan Williams.\n", "\n", "A few butterflies are also plain-colored , like the Cabbage White butterfly.\n", "\n", "[to the tune of Tubthumping]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "he was a young Link\r", "\r", "\r\n", "he was an older Link\r", "\r", "\r\n", "he was a toon Link\r", "\r", "\r\n", "he was a wolf Link\r", "\r", "\r\n", "he plays the songs that take him to the future times\r", "\r", "\r\n", "he plays the songs that take him to the past times\n", "\n", "can’t, busy making an ass of myself on the www.internet\n", "\n", "Bolivia's Morales loses ground ahead of Feb. 21 referendum: poll \n", "\n", "The ducks appear one or two at a time , and the player is given three shots to shoot them down.\n", "\n", "Somali president says 200 Kenyans killed in military camp attack \n", "\n", "During these one thousand and one nights , the King had fallen in love with Scheherazade , and had had three sons with her.\n", "\n", "U.N. rights boss urges China to release lawyers, treat HK booksellers fairly \n", "\n", "I'm not bald, my forehead just extends to the back of my neck.\n", "\n", "Cisco to pay $1.4 billion for Internet of Things firm Jasper \n", "\n", "Don't steal, the government doesn't want any competition.\n", "\n", "A group of anti-vax crows is called a murder murder\n", "\n", "Confidence is the feeling you sometimes have before you fully understand the situation.\n", "\n", "really fucks me up that i make more money when i don’t call in sick two times a week.. just doesn’t seem right\n", "\n", "there are concentration camps at the border\n", "\n", "Leaving so not soon enough?\n", "\n", "How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Feminists can't change shit.\n", "\n", "A juggler is just a schizophrenic playing catch.\n", "\n", "Fasting Comes After Feasting\n", "\n", "•exiting Noah's ark•\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Two lions \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Two hippos \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Two giraffes \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Two ostriches \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "9,875,6325 rabbi...WTF\n", "\n", "I'm okay with not having a boyfriend cuz a homeless man said I would be pretty if I didn't look so sad, and I think that's the same thing?\n", "\n", "Of the three instruments built , only the last one , made by Theremin in 1978 for his niece Lydia Kavina , survives today.\n", "\n", "I think I've cured my wife's fear of being buried alive. The screams stopped about an hour ago.\n", "\n", "Rise Against released their first two records on Fat Wreck Chords , and their next two on Geffen.\n", "\n", "In case anyone’s curious where John Bolton in particular stands on The Hague:\n", "\n", "The first person who pulled an egg out from under a chicken's butt and ate it must have been really freaking hungry.\n", "\n", "Iran complains to U.N. about Saudi 'provocations' \n", "\n", "VW recalls 680,000 brand cars in U.S. over airbag problems \n", "\n", "If you keep throwing water at the thirsty girls, I'll keep throwing sponges.\n", "\n", "Hérouville was the commune name until 1957.\n", "\n", "Latest news and in-depth analysis on the EU referendum in one place. \n", "\n", "Weighing an elephant is just like weighing a human..But on a much bigger scale.\n", "\n", "How do ghosts keep fit? With regular exorcise!\n", "\n", "Islamic State kills dozens in Syria's Deir al-Zor city \n", "\n", "He used a mixture of cow urine and water.\n", "\n", "So, I was just standing around, doing nothing, when I got arrested for impersonating a police officer.\n", "\n", "A look back at the week around the world, in \n", "\n", "Stevie Wonder was given a cheese grater for his birthday. He said that was the most violent book he'd ever read!\n", "\n", "Standing in the paint aisle at the DIY centre always brings a tear to my eye. I can't help but get emulsional.\n", "\n", "By 1996 only a rough quarter of US households consisted of married couples with children.\n", "\n", "I fell over laughing and got trapped in the trouser press. Creased myself.\n", "\n", "As the highest peak in Wales , Snowdon is one of three mountains climbed as part of the National Three Peaks Challenge.\n", "\n", "CDC expected to declare end to Chipotle's E.coli outbreak as soon as Monday: WSJ \n", "\n", "Three injured in gas leak explosion in Chilean capital \n", "\n", "The city has received national recognition as the hometown of former First Lady Laura Bush and the childhood home of former President George W. Bush.\n", "\n", "If Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw Hamburgers?\n", "\n", "British Airways to resume flights to Iran \n", "\n", "God: you're man's best friend\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dog: OMG! Love it!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: yup\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: well..\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: you live in a kennel in the yard\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dog: what\n", "\n", "Citing Reuters story, Russian anti-corruption campaigner Navalny files lawsuit against Putin \n", "\n", "What's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy? The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out.\n", "\n", "Since the two asteroidal moons appear to orbit in the same plane , they would occult each other once every 2.2 days.\n", "\n", "burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system\n", "\n", "[teaching proper condom usage]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ok so you put it in your wallet and leave it there for 23 years\n", "\n", "Velcro. What a rip-off!\n", "\n", "One thing that I can say , however , is that even if I am unable to discover some fundamental purpose to life , this will not give me a reason to return to Christianity.\n", "\n", "Interviewer: Can you tell me a little about yourself?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Yes.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Interviewer: Can you elaborate?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: It’s probably best if I don’t.\n", "\n", "It is one of the first such document.\n", "\n", "Eating one bowl of tteokguk in the morning of New Year 's Day means that you get one year older.\n", "\n", "Tunisia finishes Libya border fence intended to keep out militants \n", "\n", "My wife left me because she said I'm obsessed with the muppets. Apparently, I'm not ready for a kermitment.\n", "\n", "What do you call a closet full of lesbians? A lick her cabinet.\n", "\n", "I hope you like the place and decide to stay.\n", "\n", "Holy shit! These ducks can read.\n", "\n", "American journalists 'safe and in good health' after Bahrain release: \n", "\n", "How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Stick it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers\n", "\n", "Like other chameleons , this species has a long tongue , feet that are shaped into bifid claspers , a prehensile tail , independent eye movement and the ability to change skin color.\n", "\n", "U.N. denounces restrictions of refugees, calls for unity in Europe \n", "\n", "Girlfriend: \"I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up.\"\r\n", "Me: \"Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.\"\n", "\n", "What is the opposite of progress? Congress.\n", "\n", "The best part about cremating a smoker is half the job's already done for you\n", "\n", "My wife broke up with me recently because I'm a compulsive gambler. But I intend to win her back.\n", "\n", "Shocking. Absolutely shocking.\n", "\n", "The way to defeat extremism? Boost the Middle East economy, says Iran's president: \n", "\n", "Faced with new influx, Turkey's open door for migrants may be closing \n", "\n", "Not many people think of Hewes as playing a vital role in the creation of the country or credit him with many of his achievements but Joseph Hewes was undoubtedly one of the most important people of his time and a true revolutionary.\n", "\n", "Its common names include antelope horns , green-flowered milkweed , and spider antelope horns.\n", "\n", "I'M IN THE BEST SHAPE OF MY LIFE\r", "\r", "\r\n", "—Me inside a bouncy house that looks like Scooby Doo\n", "\n", "MY CURSED RUNES BRING ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD\r", "\r", "\r\n", "AND THEY'RE LIKE / ENCHANTED WITH CHARMS\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I COMMAND THEM / HORDES OLDER THAN STARS\n", "\n", "The vehicle must be returned in a good condition and must not exceed a maximum driven distance , otherwise extra fees may be incurred.\n", "\n", "Better safe than sorry\n", "\n", "Hungary PM flags veto of any EU sanctions against Poland \n", "\n", "Mead is an alcoholic beverage , made from honey and water via fermentation with yeast.\n", "\n", "when u a thicc colonist\n", "\n", "I hated my job as an origami teacher..Too much paperwork.\n", "\n", "George Canning 's friendship with Sheridan would last for the remainder of Sheridan 's life.\n", "\n", "CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CAMEL 1: It's one straw Marvin don't be like that\n", "\n", "In both one can see the geodesics.\n", "\n", "Manual ticket inspections do , however , regularly take place.\n", "\n", "I've made a product that increases the size of your basement. I hope it'll be a big cellar.\n", "\n", "The number of days shown includes part days . For example , if a pope 's reign commenced on 1 August and he died on 2 August , this would count as having reigned for two days.\n", "\n", "During their first season every home game was sold out , a new MLS record for average match attendance was set , and they sold the most season tickets in the league.\n", "\n", "Why don't atheists ever become mathematicians? They don't believe in higher powers.\n", "\n", "My iphone is able to read my dogs mind!!!!!!!! !!\n", "\n", "It consists three trilogies and three additional books.\n", "\n", "What do trees take when they have a headache? Aleve. \n", "\n", "The salmonella/romaine outbreak of 2018 was so scary that I haven’t eaten lettuce since 2006\n", "\n", "cop: u can't text and drive\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: but i was texting u\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: what *checks phone*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "text: look behind u\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: *turns and sees a billboard*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "billboard: MADE U LOOK. I'VE ALREADY SPED OFF BY NOW HAHAHA. ENJOY UR NEW TATTOO ;)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: *checks lower back*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "tattoo: i forgot to speed off :/\n", "\n", "thank you ikea for this extremely powerful $15,000 couch\n", "\n", "U.S. 'very concerned' by media crackdown in Malaysia \n", "\n", "France begins clearing part of Calais migrant camp \n", "\n", "Oil plumbs new lows below $27 in unrelenting rout \n", "\n", "Normally I’m a 6 but at this science teacher convention I’m a 9.17845.\n", "\n", "Chris & I, totally fried, just started saying EVERY line as if it was \"Station.\" \"Staaaaation,\" \"StaySHUNN,\" \"Stasshshshshshshshsunn.\" And then we decided no matter WHAT happens, we're gonna have a Martian name Station. And worse: we're gonna dig our heels in on it.\n", "\n", "Pentagon to hike spending request to fund fight versus Islamic State \n", "\n", "He's not dead… he's electroencephalographically challenged.\n", "\n", "U.S. Air Force drone crashes in southern Afghanistan \n", "\n", "When I eat one vegetable & tell everyone that I'm getting serious about my diet.\n", "\n", "interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "interviewer: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: you don’t remember me do you?\n", "\n", "I met the girl of my dreams, then I woke up.\n", "\n", "Like Teacher, Like Pupil\n", "\n", "Hey, to whoever invented the zero: Thanks for nothing.\n", "\n", "ME: i’m worried because my erection isn’t going away\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DOCTOR: how long has it been?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: idk i think it made four inches once\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DOCTOR:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: oh, sorry, four hours\n", "\n", "U.S. spy chiefs expect continuing problems in Libya, Ukraine \n", "\n", "Went to the annual disco for the UK Dyslexic Association last night. Was great until the DJ played YMCA and then it was fucking mayhem.\n", "\n", "Why are New Yorkers so depressed? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey\n", "\n", "His aim was to let Holiday tell her story in her own way.\n", "\n", "Gunman kills three in Kansas workplace, shot to death by police \n", "\n", "The concerto is structured in two movements , each further divided into two sections.\n", "\n", "[holding up my wife's 4 inch vibrator] crikey what a beauty\n", "\n", "Why aren't iphone chargers called apple juice?\n", "\n", "Its plumage is lavender-blue to mid-blue in the crest , back , wings , and tail , and its face is white.\n", "\n", "Wall Street flat at open: \n", "\n", "The origin of the name Bezenye comes from a Slav word meaning `` elder '' tree.\n", "\n", "V. To keep their piece , pistols , and cutlass clean and fit for service.\n", "\n", "Rusty goes home to think it over , and then meets Lionheart and another ThunderClan cat , Whitestorm , in the woods . Rusty then tells them that he accepts Bluestar 's offer.\n", "\n", "me waiting for an explanation regarding your perfectly reasonable behavior\n", "\n", "Bad Liebenwerda has a beautiful little park.\n", "\n", "I put the toilet seat down as a gift to my mom.\n", "\n", "Debris found on Malaysia's east coast not from flight MH370: minister \n", "\n", "Furby 's first public appearance was at the American International Toy Fair in 1998.\n", "\n", "As a result , many contestants would change alliances in order to avoid another tie and another chance of drawing the Purple Rock.\n", "\n", "the only constant in this world is the brown sugar cinnamon pop-tart\n", "\n", "Children And Fools Must Not Play With Edged Tools\n", "\n", "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.\n", "\n", "Your girlfriend is rated E: for everyone.\n", "\n", "UK financial watchdog criticised by lawmakers, but escapes 'no confidence' censure: \n", "\n", "Do Asian midgets take photos on their iPad Minis?\n", "\n", "It covers roughly 545 million years and goes back to the time when diverse hard-shelled animals first appeared.\n", "\n", "I keep a baseball bat under the bed just in case someone breaks in and pitches a ball to me.\n", "\n", "GE to sell appliances business to Haier for $5.4 billion \n", "\n", "dad: *taking off belt* I’ll give you something to cry about\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: oh yeah \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dad: *holds up belt* it took 3 baby cows to make this \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *sniffling* moo moos\n", "\n", "Driving past a field and saw a scarecrow trying to have a wank. I thought \"That scarecrow is clutching at straws.\"\n", "\n", "Only three states changed allegiance.\n", "\n", "Catch up with the Iowa caucus results: Cruz bests Trump, Clinton edges out Sanders. \n", "\n", "Passengers evacuated after bomb threat on local Portugal flight \n", "\n", "Reaction to death of U.S. Justice Scalia \n", "\n", "Despite its name , Washington Mutual ceased being a mutual company in 1983 when it demutualized and became a public company.\n", "\n", "Why is it called a \"building\" when it is already built?\n", "\n", "Pope to hold historic meeting in Cuba with Russian Orthodox Church head: Vatican \n", "\n", "EU considering sanctions on Libyans blocking peace: diplomats \n", "\n", "I accidentally left an apple outside my local GP's surgery.Now he won't be able to get in.\n", "\n", "What is the difference between love and Herpes? Herpes is forever.\n", "\n", "Hitler without a blindfold: \" I can see\"\r\n", "Hitler with a blindfold: \" I can Nazi\"\n", "\n", "Irish PM's coalition set to fall well short of re-election: exit poll \n", "\n", "He Begins To Die That Quits His Desires\n", "\n", "Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. So when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.\n", "\n", "Note that svg icons only look somewhat bad in the old browsers , thus such hand optimisation is only worth the trouble for very widely used icons.\n", "\n", "Facebook executive jailed in Brazil set to be released: \n", "\n", "me trying to be cool and normal talking to the cashier leaving CVS\n", "\n", "I'm going on a blind date tonight. I hope our dogs get on.\n", "\n", "My wife just served me dinner, she made a terrible mess. I told her she'd be better off using a tennis ball.\n", "\n", "Ned Flanders , who was designed by Rich Moore , first appeared in the season one episode `` Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire '' . The episode was the series premiere , but not the first episode produced.\n", "\n", "A chemistry lab is like a big party. Some drop the acid while others drop the base.\n", "\n", "This comment on the recipe for Katharine Hepburn's brownies is the most haunting short story I've read all year.\n", "\n", "How do you make a hot dog stand? Steal its chair.\n", "\n", "Asia stocks subdued before U.S. jobs data, dollar wobbles \n", "\n", "[circus]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "BIGFOOT: *does amazing 35 minute long juggling act* Ta Da!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "VOICE FROM THE AUDIENCE: SHOW US YOUR FEET ALREADY!\n", "\n", "dog at dog school: i ate all my homework\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dog teacher: great work Daisy, A+\n", "\n", "Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.\n", "\n", "Death (beckoning to humanity): COME... IT IS THE END OF DAYS\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Greg, the Hell temp who never takes things seriously: lmao you mean nights?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Death: *rubs temples* Greg why are you even here\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Greg: there was an extra horse\n", "\n", "Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an s in it?\n", "\n", "Me: it’s so nice my kid is playing so quietly\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My child, nonchalantly walking out of the kitchen:\n", "\n", "To Add Fuel (Oil) To The Fire (Flames)\n", "\n", "Is waiting for the istore to come up with a dollar menu.\n", "\n", "Militiamen clash with guards at Yemen presidential palace: official \n", "\n", "Examples include canines that live in packs , numerous insects , especially hymenoptera , humans , many birds , chimpanzees , and many other animals that display social behavior.\n", "\n", "What do you call a female deer that's pickled? A dill doe. \n", "\n", "The season introduced several new gameplay twists.\n", "\n", "DETECTIVE: Anyone move the body?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "COP: No, sir\r", "\r", "\r\n", "D: But, he's wearing frames without lenses\r", "\r", "\r\n", "C: That's how we found him\r", "\r", "\r\n", "D: [kicks body] Piece a shit\n", "\n", "Alternatively , Echo was a nymph who was a great singer and dancer and scorned the love of any man.\n", "\n", "What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus? I don't know, but it can sure pick lettuce\n", "\n", "Republican N.J. Governor Christie to end 2016 presidential bid: Fox \n", "\n", "If you loiter in a Tibetan holy leader's sandwich shop, You dilly dally in the dalai's deli.\n", "\n", "Rio 2016 Olympics organizing committee says it is worried by Zika virus. More on Zika: \n", "\n", "the Jonas brothers are BACK and they’ve had SEX\n", "\n", "Just saw a guy hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine\n", "\n", ". \r", "\r", "\r\n", "This is 'A Sports Commercial'.\n", "\n", "See also : St. John 's City Council\n", "\n", "Italy's Renzi calls confidence vote on gay unions bill \n", "\n", "Seven people detained in connection with Istanbul bombing: Turkish minister \n", "\n", "physical therapist: welcome to physical therapy\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: thanks, I’ve never done this so-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "physical therapist: *punches me in the face* how’s your relationship with your parents?\n", "\n", "A maximum of nine players are allowed to field at one time.\n", "\n", "I just bought an awful cheap thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it's awful!\n", "\n", "I've never looked in the mirror and said \"Looking good today.\" But I have said \"Whatever\", \"It is what it is\" & \"That'll do pig\" many times.\n", "\n", "I bought a new thesaurus today. It's okay I suppose, nothing to write house about.\n", "\n", "What if the world is fake and wrestling is actually real?\n", "\n", "Karolina Bock was married twice.\n", "\n", "A young tree is called a sapling.\n", "\n", "James McHenry was an early American statesman.\n", "\n", "HSBC confirms China 'princeling' probe: \n", "\n", "[ asteroid approaching earth ]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *slapping baseball mitt*\n", "\n", "For the first time since 1950 , two American based teams competed for the Stanley Cup and it was the Chicago Black Hawks beating the Detroit Red Wings four games to two.\n", "\n", "True biennials flower only once , while many perennials will flower every year once mature.\n", "\n", "The last two words of the name can also be found as `` Binladen '' or `` Binladin ''.\n", "\n", "JUDGE: You're charged with stealing penguins from the zoo.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *lips right on mic* I needed groomsmen for my wedding, your Honor.\n", "\n", "All the dads from Infographics, Inc. have been fired en masse; none of them would stop putting “warning: graphic content” on the first slide of all their PowerPoint presentations, despite numerous warnings from corporate\n", "\n", "Amec Foster Wheeler says CEO Brikho steps down: \n", "\n", "choose your battle steed\n", "\n", "Ex-drug exec Shkreli has suffered a $40 million trading loss, says U.S. prosecutor. \n", "\n", "EU must support Turkey more on refugees, says Mogherini \n", "\n", "Irish rivals drag out stalemate, say both trying to form government \n", "\n", "Sri Lanka ex-leader's son arrested by financial crimes police \n", "\n", " Our images from the scene of the fatal crane collapse in Manhattan this morning. \n", "\n", "My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much\n", "\n", "If God didn't want me to retweet your pinned tweet 27 times, he'd fix Twitter.\n", "\n", "do you think real airplanes look at model airplanes and feel insecure about their bodies\n", "\n", "U.S. retail sales, industrial output data point to softer growth \n", "\n", "It involves a new religious identity , or a change from one religious identity to another.\n", "\n", "Ansermet was born in Vevey , Switzerland.\n", "\n", "Who names their son Jimmy Eat World\n", "\n", "Most kennels will not board dogs without proof of vaccination.\n", "\n", "What did the Jewish pedophile say? \"Would you like to buy some candy\"\n", "\n", "What do we want? Another question! When do we want it? Thanks!\n", "\n", "Since the early 1930s , the company has also promoted spin-off reference works.\n", "\n", "One time in college my friend who was absolutely not a vegetarian deliberately ordered and ate a veggie sub and it still bothers me\n", "\n", "The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn.\n", "\n", "To make the show more interesting , the aliens release a new version of the popular soft drink Buzz Cola that makes people go insane , into Springfield 's water supply.\n", "\n", "BOJ launches negative rates, already dubbed a failure by markets \n", "\n", "[Oregon Trail 1852]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Doctor: Any final words?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.\n", "\n", "Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''\n", "\n", "Tonally Face The Music is closer to Excellent Adventure than Bogus Journey, but w the weight - & experience - & the life of joys & losses - that age brings. The best comedy, to me, is absurdity rooted in human truth. That's our goal, at least. Did we hit it? Guess we'll find out.\n", "\n", "[amid a dry and desolate landscape a solitary flower sprouts through the rubble into full magestic bloom]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *sneezes from fucking allergies*\n", "\n", "Necessity Is The Mother Of Invention\n", "\n", "What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick\n", "\n", "Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space.\n", "\n", "this is an appreciation post for THE SOUND THAT @yaelgrobglas makes after petra asks jane if alba makes arepas and jane says yeah #janethevirgin\n", "\n", "Cambodian PM tells troops to fire rockets at illegal loggers \n", "\n", "...it'd be a shame if entropy came along and ruined it.\n", "\n", "Mainstream films can best be defined as commercial films that have a wide release and play in first run theaters.\n", "\n", "Turkey detains three Russians suspected of Islamic State ties after Istanbul bomb: media \n", "\n", "He would also play for the Chicago Black Hawks and retire after the 1939 season.\n", "\n", "Major airlines offer to re-assign crew from Zika-hit routes. \n", "\n", "What is the difference between a dog and a fox?About three drinks.\n", "\n", "Wife: I'm going to grab some dinner, you want anything?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: No thanks, I'm stuffed.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: Ok, I'm going to Taco...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I'll have 9 tacos.\n", "\n", "Historically , the name Armenian has come to internationally designate this group of people.\n", "\n", "What's big, grey and makes you jump? The elephant of surprise.\n", "\n", "getting some great feedback today\n", "\n", "This species is also one of the largest and heaviest among birds of paradise.\n", "\n", "My dog is talented, he taught himself to say his own name. Woof.\n", "\n", "The salmonella/romaine outbreak of 2018 was so scary that I haven’t eaten lettuce since 2006\n", "\n", "[Jerry Seinfeld writing a joke about cum]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Cum. Cum. What is this, cum? I'm already here! How can I cum if i'm already here. If anything they should call it go! I mean, what happens after you cum? YOU GO! I came and now i'm gonna go and then i'm gonna go.\n", "\n", "me: how bad is it \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[later]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: what did the doctor say\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: linda....i’m dying\n", "\n", "There's a gang going though our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order. The police believe they're still at large.\n", "\n", "Britain's EU reform deal 'largely irrelevant' - Labour leader \n", "\n", "I got my hair cut yesterday. At first I didn't like it, but it's growing on me.\n", "\n", "It means that , as seen from some place , two celestial bodies appear near one another in the sky.\n", "\n", "What should you do when life gives you melons? Get tested for dyslexia.\n", "\n", "There's no such thing as nonexistence.\n", "\n", "Soon Neptune became the internationally accepted name.\n", "\n", "The bharal has horns that grow upwards , curve out and then towards the back , somewhat like an upside down mustache.\n", "\n", "In 1987 , friends Billie Joe Armstrong and Mike Dirnt , 15 years old at the time , formed a band called Sweet Children.\n", "\n", "To Come Out With Clean Hands\n", "\n", "U.S. slams Taiwan president's planned visit to contested South China Sea island: \n", "\n", "Mozambique plane debris believed to be from Boeing 777, says Malaysia minister: \n", "\n", "Get in, loser. We're gonna tie a bunch of balloons to this house and float away together.\n", "\n", "Dandelion flowers are often made into wine.\n", "\n", "Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you'd a club and a spade.\n", "\n", "If you love a reservoir \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "You do not love a reservoir\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "You love being drunk in high school\n", "\n", "EU says ready to impose more sanctions on Burundi \n", "\n", "This fresco cycle depicts the life of the Virgin and the life of Christ.\n", "\n", "[first day as a cop]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: suspect is running nude through downtown\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dispatch: copy that\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *starts undressing*\n", "\n", "What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount rushmore\n", "\n", "Today , it is best known as the birthplace of many celebrated Romanians , including Mihai Eminescu and Nicolae Iorga.\n", "\n", "My wife asked me, \"Did you eat my chocolate in the cupboard last night?\" \"No, don't be silly\" I replied\" I ate it on the sofa.\"\n", "\n", "My wife was happy when I told her I put a load in the dishwasher until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!\n", "\n", "Better The Foot Slip Than The Tongue\n", "\n", "When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.\n", "\n", "Bloomberg's possible entry into 2016 race gets mixed reception \n", "\n", "Used with functions that have done new = abs and lost precision.\n", "\n", "ok we need to start putting alcohol prices on the menu. what does this margarita cost, six bucks? TWENY? a single gold doubloon? listen i have no doubloons and i’m thirsty\n", "\n", "Ex-general who led Myanmar from dictatorship leaves mixed legacy \n", "\n", "What is yellow and lives off dead Beatles? Yoko Ono\n", "\n", "Our top photos of the week from around the world: \n", "\n", "A ghost walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka. The bartender says \"Sorry, we don't serve spirits here.\"\n", "\n", "Trump's gamble leaving the battlefield to his rivals for one night appeared to pay off: \n", "\n", "See French language in Canada.\n", "\n", "Friendly no more: Trump, Cruz erupt in bitter fight at Republican debate \n", "\n", "My friend said he got high from sniffing Coke, but I only have Pepsi. How do I do it?\n", "\n", "Travel times to Munich have been reduced to as little as one hour.\n", "\n", "These three white dwarfs , the first discovered , are the so-called classical white dwarfs. , p. 2 Eventually , many faint white stars were found which had high proper motion , indicating that they could be suspected to be low-luminosity stars close to the Earth , and hence white dwarfs.\n", "\n", "His first work called Beginning of Spring was published in 1935.\n", "\n", "PM Cameron wins approval from Poland's Kaczynski on deal to keep Britain in EU \n", "\n", "I was stabbed in the back . ''\n", "\n", "No Wisdom Like Silence\n", "\n", "Saudi Arabia took part in weekend air strikes against Islamic State Pentagon \n", "\n", "[confession]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "priest: how long since-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: where do I put my dick?\n", "\n", "Banadian goose\n", "\n", "It can run from an optical disc drive without using a hard disk drive.\n", "\n", "Martin Shkreli's E*Trade account takes a $40 million hit: \n", "\n", "What many would call string instruments are classified as chordophones.\n", "\n", "In other words , Wikipedia is.\n", "\n", "Alyosha promises to remember Kolya , Ilyusha , and all the boys and keep them close in his heart , even though he will have to leave them and may not see them again until many years have passed.\n", "\n", "Tell a girl she's beautiful and she'll remember it for days. Tell a girl she's fat and she'll always remember because an elephant never forgets.\n", "\n", "It provides users three types of rollback functions and includes a full library of speedy deletion functions , user warnings , pseudo-automatic reporting of vandals , and much , much more.\n", "\n", "It is the first game to star Mega Man and is the first of the original Mega Man series.\n", "\n", "But he added the scale of the disaster was such that `` we can't expect that the government can do everything and handle every aspect of the needs ''.\n", "\n", "Georgiana May , a friend of Stowe 's , wrote a letter to the author stating that `` I was up last night long after one o'clock , reading and finishing Uncle Tom 's Cabin.\n", "\n", "birds signing in the trees to cater to the deaf\n", "\n", "Both at one time handled passengers and general goods , as well as sugar cane.\n", "\n", "Biscuit’s out here looking like your dad who fell asleep in his chair when you were out past curfew.\n", "\n", "The `` A Beautiful Lie '' video was certified gold by MTV International.\n", "\n", "[my papercut slowly heals over the course of two weeks]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ᶦ ᵃᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ᵂᵒˡᵛᵉʳᶦⁿᵉ\n", "\n", "Google search chief Singhal to quit, to be replaced by AI head \n", "\n", "The main difference between early water turbines and water wheels is a swirl component of the water which passes energy to a spinning rotor.\n", "\n", "Some hope lies with the conservation and management programs in place as of 2004.\n", "\n", "me: hi, thanks for coming so fast\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: what's the issue?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: well i think..\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: just possibly..\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: we're not checking the closets for ghosts again\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: how about under the bed?\n", "\n", "Los Angeles hospital paid hackers $17,000 ransom in bitcoins: \n", "\n", "In 1950 , the Canadian Press named him the best ice hockey player of the first half of the 20th century.\n", "\n", "What do you call an aardvark that's just been beaten up? Vark.\n", "\n", "Please, Mr. [Unholy screeches of the damned] was my father's name. Call me [ethereal silence on a ghost planet, haunted by sorrow and loss].\n", "\n", "Why did the French chef quit working at the haunted restaurant? He got crêped out. \n", "\n", "Everyone has weird neighbors. If you don't, you're the weird neighbors.\n", "\n", "Ingmar was locked up in dark closets for `` infractions '' like wetting the bed.\n", "\n", "i have a tattoo that says “clap for yourself” which i feel is pretty self explanatory so the next time someone asks me what it means i’m gonna tell them it’s about manually infecting yourself with gonorrhea\n", "\n", "Modibo Keïta was elected the first president.\n", "\n", "El Salvador detains ex-soldiers for 1989 Jesuit priest killings \n", "\n", "My girlfriend cried the day I proposed to her on an escalator. It was moving.\n", "\n", "I'm fed up with my boss for forcing me to stand on one leg every single day. Tomorrow I'm putting my foot down.\n", "\n", "Ko tied for early lead when play is suspended \n", "\n", "Wow what a rush, I was just recognized in public! I didn't think that wanted poster was still in circulation.\n", "\n", "Enough golf. Time to terrify some kids\n", "\n", "Panama cancels Finmeccanica radar contract after simmering row \n", "\n", "What concert ticket costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback\n", "\n", "Robert Kennedy assassin, Sirhan Sirhan, denied parole: official \n", "\n", " Jeb Bush went toe to toe with Trump over his desire to ban all Muslims from the U.S. \n", "\n", "Knock, knock. Who's there? Cargo. Cargo who? No Car go vroom vroom.\n", "\n", "After the end of Xena , O'Connor began a film production company , ROC Pictures.\n", "\n", "It was during this time that Johns first adopted the nickname Moondyne Joe.\n", "\n", "I've bought the wife a transparent bath. It'll save me a fortune on taking the kids to Sea World.\n", "\n", "I've heard a rumour that Cadburys is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar? Could be a Chinese Wispa.\n", "\n", "EU slams China's on-air 'confessions' as unacceptable \n", "\n", "Marriages Are Made In Heaven\n", "\n", "Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom? \r\n", "Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom? \r\n", "Little Johnny: But I asked first!\n", "\n", "In the first episode Michelle has convinced one of her best friends , Cassie Ainsworth , to take friend Sid 's virginity , at her boyfriend Tony 's request.\n", "\n", "In recent years , Cadiz has become more of a place to work than a place to live.\n", "\n", "It can be helpful to think of the system as evolving once a minute , although strictly speaking the `` step '' may have nothing to do with time.\n", "\n", "What..... why??????????\n", "\n", "Born in Augusta , New York , William Miller graduated from Hamilton College in 1861.\n", "\n", "U.S. housing starts, building permits fall in January \n", "\n", "The town was first mentioned in the Domesday Book of 1086 as Neuport , which is Old English meaning New Market Town , but by that time the old Anglo-Saxon town was dominated by the Norman invaders.\n", "\n", "IOC to issue guidance as ZikaVirus spreads before Rio Games: \n", "\n", "All parameters must be in lowercase only.\n", "\n", "NOW THROUGH\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " SUNDAY!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SUNDAY!\r", "\r", "\r\n", " SUNDAY!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "VISIT YOUR LOCAL TOYOTA DEALER TO FIGHT A WALRUS IN OUR\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " HALLWAY!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HALLWAY!\r", "\r", "\r\n", " HALLWAY!\n", "\n", "A vanity plate brings you a secret message from the universe. Or from the California Dept. of Motor Vehicles, which is not nothing.\n", "\n", "I have a phobia of trampolines, I can't help it they always make me jump.\n", "\n", "Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.\n", "\n", "You’re first mistake is thinking this place is a safe place.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Your second mistake is believing people. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "This is a PSA\n", "\n", "When it comes to arguing about calling them concentration camps, I’m anti-semantics.\n", "\n", "South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley's SOTU response was praised by both sides of politics. \n", "\n", "there’s no i in self-esteem\n", "\n", "The future isn’t what it used to be.\n", "\n", "As I said before, I never repeat myself!\n", "\n", "Karren Brady says Britain leaving EU would hurt its football clubs:\n", "\n", "People always ask 'how do you cope with erectile dysfunction'? Honestly, it's not that hard\n", "\n", "Chilean alleges sex abuse cover-up, asks pope to sack bishop \n", "\n", "I'm experimenting with telling people who ask why I don't have kids that \"I'm part of a secret government operation designed to--\" and then abruptly darting away like a coked up squirrel. It's way more fun than talking about infertility.\n", "\n", "Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.\n", "\n", "I swallowed some Tippex last night. I woke up this morning with a massive correction.\n", "\n", "the main character of bugs life is an ant named flick.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "he's a ant.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "named flick.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "that's like naming bambi \"shotgun\".\n", "\n", "The islands are sometimes called Tomorrow Island and Yesterday Isle because the time in Big Diomede is 21 hours ahead of Little Diomede.\n", "\n", "Italy summons Egyptian ambassador over suspicious Cairo death \n", "\n", "One Chick Keeps A Hen Busy\n", "\n", "No one:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Nipples: IS IT COLD IN HERE BECAUSE IT SEEMS COLD IN HERE IS ANYONE ELSE COLD\n", "\n", "going hunting is becoming more and more difficult as I keep on getting banned by more zoos\n", "\n", "Why would I spent time doing this\n", "\n", "EU-Britain talks make 'good progress', gaps remain for summit - EU source \n", "\n", "Mega-deals await as Iranian president starts European trip in Rome: \n", "\n", "Sterling would fall to parity vs euro after Brexit vote - UBS: \n" ] }, { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "\n", "U.N. fears Aleppo's isolation if troops surround the city: \n", "\n", "He used the calculations of Urbain Le Verrier to know where to look.\n", "\n", "Yesterday was International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held on the day before yesterday but they took too long to get ready\n", "\n", "Netanyahu defends top general in excessive force debate \n", "\n", "For more options , see below.\n", "\n", "ME: I'm sorry for writing fake dialogue of us on twitter\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "WIFE: *spoon-feeding me caviar* Well at least you have a huge penis\n", "\n", "Has science gone too far?\n", "\n", "Mary was working alone , as Louis was ill in camp.\n", "\n", "They Are Hand And Glove\n", "\n", "Where do hippos go to school? The Hippocampus \n", "\n", "Bernie: “I think that there are a certain number of people who would like to see a woman elected, and I understand that.”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Also Bernie: ”Elizabeth is a friend of mine. I think she’s running a good campaign.”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Vanity Fair headline:\n", "\n", "Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.\n", "\n", "Iran frees U.S. sailors swiftly as diplomacy smoothes waters: \n", "\n", "So you know that phenomenon in 1990 that 150 sheep fell off a cliff? Well that's \"unherd\" of.\n", "\n", "Some of you are still baby twitter accounts. You’ll learn how to handle being hated eventually.\n", "\n", "Indonesia's second-biggest party to back President Widodo: website \n", "\n", "Please reply if you don't get this message.\n", "\n", "Lead developer quits bitcoin saying it 'has failed' \n", "\n", "In neighboring Newfoundland , the new dominion suffered a devastating loss on July 1 , 1916 , the First day on the Somme.\n", "\n", "Man shot by Paris police shouted Allahu Akbar, may have worn suicide belt: \n", "\n", "Like roving art galleries they depict all themes of life through their adorned artwork.\n", "\n", "What White House officials will discuss with Silicon Valley executives today: \n", "\n", "Bulgaria to use army to help guard border in migrant crisis \n", "\n", "My brother says I need to stop quoting Run-D.M.C., but it's like that, and that's the way it is.\n", "\n", "Here’s a thread for words of 23 emotions that people feel but can’t explain\n", "\n", "Pressure grows on China to end \"business as usual\" with North Korea: \n", "\n", "Britons vote Thatcher most influential woman of past 200 years \n", "\n", "He had become one of the first American celebrities and was also popular in Europe.\n", "\n", "What do you call a female peacock? A peacunt.\n", "\n", "Children are sold into the global sex trade every year.\n", "\n", "If it's got tits or wheels, sooner or later you're gonna have problems with it.\n", "\n", "lSending Postcards From A Plane Crash (Wish You Were Here).\n", "\n", "Catherine became pregnant for the first time , by Seymour , at age thirty-five.\n", "\n", "sometimes i put ranch dressing in my coffee. i call it a hidden valley latte and it’s disgusting\n", "\n", "Ukraine needs new-look government, says outgoing economy minister \n", "\n", "Saudi-Iran dispute jeopardizes Yemen peace talks \n", "\n", "me: whenever god closes a window *eats another cocktail shrimp* he makes lemonade\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "widow: please don't lean on the casket\n", "\n", "He was also the first black actor to win the Academy Award for Best Actor ..\n", "\n", "Indonesia looks to close all red-light districts by 2019: Jakarta Post \n", "\n", "Adhesives may come from either natural or synthetic sources.\n", "\n", "God: like octopuses but they defy gravity\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Angel: sounds like nightmare fuel\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Spiders: ɥɔʇɐʍ oʇ ǝʞıl oslɐ ǝʍ\n", "\n", "U.S. will take action against Islamic State threat in Libya if needed: White House \n", "\n", "Britain rules out sending combat troops to Libya \n", "\n", "I try to teach my mom something new every day, because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes\n", "\n", "It can be kicked or slapped with an open hand for short-range passing.\n", "\n", "Yo mama is so fat, she eats cereal out of a satellite dish.\n", "\n", "If I wanted to make friends I’d go to the LEGO store.\n", "\n", "I live life in the fast lane ... with a stream of cars behind me, horns blaring.\n", "\n", "ego-fart: Flatulence forced from one's body in a pompous, self-satisfying manner, without regard to the consideration of others.\n", "\n", "His mother , Jewel Caroline Cobb , served one term as a member of the Tribal Counsel.\n", "\n", "Throwing the hurley is illegal , though camogie players may drop it to make a handpass.\n", "\n", "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and quivers? A nervous wreck. \n", "\n", "North Korea could be ready for missile launch by Super Bowl, U.S. source says: \n", "\n", "I took an IQ test and the results were negative.\n", "\n", "[extreme Backstreet Boys voice]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " Am I delusional ?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MY FRIENDS BACKGROUND SINGING: Yeah, Yeah\n", "\n", "Must not be wikilinked.\n", "\n", "Some days later , one patron attempted to remove the work from the gallery wall , and two teenagers later attacked it with a hammer.\n", "\n", "Later Buckles said of that event , `` I was just 16 and didn't look a day older.\n", "\n", "To Have A Finger In The Pie\n", "\n", "Me: My eyes are up here\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Picasso: I disagree\n", "\n", "Cool! Can someone send my this?\n", "\n", "The station before Epping is Theydon Bois , which is about three minutes traveling time away.\n", "\n", "No means no, unless she's dyslexic. Then it's on!\n", "\n", "With extra police, Cologne women revel in carnival after attacks \n", "\n", "My wife is \"like a plunger\" when she gets drunk. She likes to bring up old shit.\n", "\n", "If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?\n", "\n", "Not coming back with surprise candy will be a federal crime once I’m president.\n", "\n", "Chelsea 26 vs. Hungary , 11 May 2006\n", "\n", "Him: i really like you \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I think we should break up \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: wow ok bitch\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: on second thought\n", "\n", "German votes could persuade Merkel to change course on refugees \n", "\n", "A Drowning Man Will Catch At A Straw\n", "\n", "Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.\n", "\n", "Law varies from place to place and it evolves over timesometimes quite quickly.\n", "\n", "Peru may bar presidential candidate if plagiarism found \n", "\n", "I went bobsleighing last night. I killed 15 people called Bob.\n", "\n", "Clunes held its first booktown on 20 May 2007.\n", "\n", "Obama, Italy's Mattarella discuss fight against Islamic State in Libya \n", "\n", "What Is Worth Doing At Alt Is Worth Doing Well\n", "\n", "What's a thesaurus's favorite cereal? Synonym Toast Crunch\n", "\n", "Kudos to Sophie Turner for infiltrating three of America's most valuable franchises: Game of Thrones, the X-Men and the Jonas Brothers. It's been centuries since a Brit owned our ass like this. George III walked so Sophie Turner could run.\n", "\n", "U.N. to hold next round of Syria talks on March 9 \n", "\n", "The total area is 35.35 % water.\n", "\n", "Over time the name Louisa became Levisa and shifted to the nearby stream today called Levisa Fork River.\n", "\n", "When someone says. \"It tastes like crap.\" ....how do they know?\n", "\n", "An experienced flintknapper needs less than 15 minutes to produce a good quality hand axe.\n", "\n", "Good Clothes Open All Doors\n", "\n", "Syrian opposition says temporary truce possible if Russia stops air strikes \n", "\n", "cuz to get the crying pics from Instagram you have to screenshot your DMs and guys sent me like 15 dick pics and I accidentally screenshot one and mass uploaded the screenshots to Premiere cuz there’s 200+ photos and just saw it\n", "\n", "Thousands of boats go into the deep sea to fish and come back with tons of fish.\n", "\n", "China shares edge higher as oil holds gains \n", "\n", "The first records of a settlement can be dated back to the 12th century.\n", "\n", "What did the buffalo say to its kid when it went to school? Bison.\n", "\n", "If you see ICE in or around Koreatown in Los Angeles, call 323-894-1504. People who know how to safely record evidence without escalating will be dispatched.\n", "\n", "`` Losing Grip '' is the fourth single and last single from Avril Lavigne 's multiplatinum album Let Go.\n", "\n", "Frank Sinatra called. He wanted a rap verse for \"Fly Me to the Moon\". Happy to oblige.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "(My broken glasses are totally an aesthetic choice.)\n", "\n", "Cameron rebuked by party members for ignoring their views on EU \n", "\n", "I was riding a horse and it's leg broke so I had to shoot it. I'm not allowed on the carousel anymore.\n", "\n", "Nigeria's Buhari to discuss oil price stability with Saudi king - presidency \n", "\n", "me: i feel sad\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "guy who's really into hiking: have you considered going outside and eating a fistful of dirt\n", "\n", "Full many a wonder is told us in stories old , of heroes worthy of praise , of hardships dire , of joy and feasting , of weeping and of wailing ; of the fighting of bold warriors , now ye may hear wonders told.\n", "\n", "Me: I got a gumball machine like you asked\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: *holding 2 crying babies* I said diapers\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *patting my pockets* can I have a quarter\n", "\n", "Sterling fall a 'foretaste' of leaving EU - Foreign Secretary \n", "\n", "The Order of the Phoenix should be called Harry Potter And The 267 Times Mrs Weasley Was Right But Everyone Ignored And Gaslit Her Because They’d All Decided She Was A Hysterical Bitch\n", "\n", "I used to own a motorcycle shop, but I had to sell it. I was always two tired.\n", "\n", "Brooklyn judge denies government's request to unlock iPhone in drug case \n", "\n", "Mayor Pete Buttigieg: “I do not have evidence that there has been discipline for racist behavior...”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Protester: “You running for president and you expect black people to vote for you?”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Buttigieg: “I’m not asking for your vote.”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Protester: “You ain’t gonna get it either.”\n", "\n", "However , the mother does protect the young in the water for a few days until they learn to fend for themselves.\n", "\n", "\"I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle\" he moped\n", "\n", "The last , a theological encyclopedia , was published in 1549 , but the last but one , intended to include his medical work , was never finished.\n", "\n", "Beck 's work with The Yardbirds and The Jeff Beck Group 's 1968 album Truth were seminal influences on heavy metal music , which emerged in full force in the early 1970s.\n", "\n", "My Contacts have been very irritating lately, so I deleted them off my phone .\n", "\n", "Hey girl are you a pizza because you’re covered in cheese and no wait you are a pizza\n", "\n", "German government expects arrival of 3.6 million refugees by 2020: media \n", "\n", "The word 'Gnba' really makes me angry. It's bang out of order!\n", "\n", "wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me\n", "\n", "Typically this organ is located in the tail of the electric fish.\n", "\n", "Cambodia to welcome Chinese warships as Japan navy heads home \n", "\n", "China's military sets up anti-corruption hotline \n", "\n", "My new years resolution is to remember...umm...\n", "\n", "Babies suck \n", "\n", "I don't know why anyone would ever want a pocket calculator.. It's really easy to count how many pockets I've got.\n", "\n", " Verizon launches auction to sell data centers - sources \n", "\n", "Former Israeli PM Olmert insists on innocence as jail term begins: \n", "\n", "My best friends bf maintains that the McDonald's secret menu allows you to order anything \"All balled up\" and they'll just hand it to you all balled up\n", "\n", "The mouse dies.\n", "\n", "In large cities , however , because many make demands on each trade , one alone is enough to support a man , and often less than one : for instance one man makes shoes for men , another for women , there are places even where one man earns a living just by mending shoes , another by cutting them out , another just by sewing the uppers together , while there is another who performs none of these operations but assembles the parts , Of necessity , he who pursues a very specialised task will do it best . ''\n", "\n", "During his life , Tolstoy came to the conclusion that William Shakespeare was a bad dramatist and not a true artist at all.\n", "\n", "NATO chief says concerned about Russian military build-up in Syria \n", "\n", "Just changed my ringtone to a busy signal. Why haven't I thought of this before?\n", "\n", "What do aliens use for currency? Starbucks \n", "\n", "bullying\n", "\n", "Ill-Gotten Gains Never Prosper\n", "\n", "Aid convoy reaches starving Syrian town of Madaya \n", "\n", "They had one daughter , Margaret Truman , born February 17 , 1924.\n", "\n", "Inside a South Korean mass wedding ceremony: \n", "\n", "I waited for my wife to leave then went upstairs and slipped on a pair of her knickers. I wish she wouldn't leave them lying around like that.\n", "\n", "Each outfit comes with a different bonus.\n", "\n", "Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.\n", "\n", "A Friend In Need Is A Friend Indeed\n", "\n", "The first two sections are meant to represent life , the last two death and transfiguration.\n", "\n", "Me: how the hell did Ash get so far in the Pokemon league despite being a terrible trainer?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Her: I don't know, charisma?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: first off, it's pronounced Charizard and he couldn't control it for shit\n", "\n", "When he was three years old , his mother died , forcing his father to send him and his brother Carl to an orphanage , as Benny 's father could not take care of them.\n", "\n", "After winning EU deal, Britain's Cameron faces harder battle \n", "\n", "Dear God,\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Should I die in a fiery plane crash, please make sure my phone perishes with me.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Amen\n", "\n", "My son is allergic to peanuts. He breaks out in a rash every time I bring home my paycheck.\n", "\n", "I have a £50 note but it's made of metal..I think it may be forged.\n", "\n", "S-line must be encased within and.\n", "\n", "When I'm bored, I call sick into places I don't work, today I'm getting written up at Ross.\n", "\n", "Old Friends And Old Wine Are Best\n", "\n", "One of the early , and most well known , examples of the work of the company includes the graceful arched roof of St. Pancras Station in London , recently restored to great critical acclaim as an international rail terminal.\n", "\n", "Together with basil , it contributes much to the distinctive character of many Italian dishes.\n", "\n", "Australian cuts to climate change research may hit drive into Asia \n", "\n", "Local singles in your area have wounded you with their various blades. There's no use running now. They can smell blood for miles around\n", "\n", "lMy parents almost lost me as a child, but they didn't take me far enough into the woods.\n", "\n", "I did a few drugs last night with my shoelaces undone. Big mistake, I was tripping all night.\n", "\n", "[to the tune of 4 Non Blondes’ “What’s Up”]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "And so I wake in the morning\r", "\r", "\r\n", "And I step outside\r", "\r", "\r\n", "And I sip at my coffee and stretch and I sigh\r", "\r", "\r\n", "And I scream from the porch at my son\r", "\r", "\r\n", "LET’S MOW THE LAWN\n", "\n", "lmao jesus christ\n", "\n", "911: what's your emergency?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: a man is in my house\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "911: who\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: idk. how would i know that\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "911: ask\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ok\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "911:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: he didn't answer\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "911: describe him\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: he's large\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "911: is he tall\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: yea\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "911: give him my number :)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: what's your number\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "911: are u serious\n", "\n", "Man goes into a chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He says \"Got any fishcakes?\" \"No sorry\" \"Awww that's a shame it's his birthday\"\n", "\n", "What do you call a hot dog with a sweater? A chili dog \n", "\n", "Bad becomes good when worse happens.\n", "\n", "Two lorries carrying playing cards have crashed. Police are dealing with the incident.\n", "\n", "Let’s hop in the sporty rickshaw and tase each other until we can smell our ancestors\n", "\n", "Pumpkin pie is best when it’s poured in a shot glass and called whiskey.\n", "\n", "Family of Michigan man charged in Uber shootings know no motive: lawyer \n", "\n", "No offense but I was raised to “take care” of my husband. Wash his clothes, clean the house, construct fake diaries insinuating he wanted to hurt me, elaborately fake my own death and frame him for murder\n", "\n", "I got my cock out for the wife \"Do you like my new piercing?\" After a few seconds she said \"Wheres the piercing then?\" I said \"In my ear\".\n", "\n", "Though Sandra saw through the lie , Jon successfully convinced the other players , forcing them to give up the reward to Jon and then having to spend one night on Morgan 's old beach while Jon and his friend hung out alone , celebrating the lie 's success.\n", "\n", "California shooter's visa record shows routine interview, no flags raised: \n", "\n", "His mother died on 13 April 1929 , when he was eight years old.\n", "\n", "Is super para...gah! What was that??\n", "\n", "China seen posting slowest economic growth in 25 years as policy risks grow \n", "\n", "U.S. Vice President Biden says prepared for military solution in Syria \n", "\n", "Brian May , the only child of Harold and Ruth May , was born in Hampton , London and attended Hampton Grammar School.\n", "\n", "I hate when I’m being brilliant and nobody notices.\n", "\n", "I call my wife treasure, cos she looks like she's just been dug up.\n", "\n", "A new aftershave is out on the Market. Will get you any girl you want! Guaranteed! Eau de Chloroform! It's a knock-out!\n", "\n", "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.\n", "\n", "Romania promises aid to poor Moldova if it reforms its system \n", "\n", "The earliest chansons were for two , three or four voices , with first three becoming the norm , expanding to four voices by the sixteenth century.\n", "\n", "Kirby : Canvas Curse spans eight worlds , with all but one having three levels.\n", "\n", "Panini - Lil Nas X (2019)\n", "\n", "Thus , Yoshi was born.\n", "\n", "Border hospitals overwhelmed by Russian-backed assault on Syria's Aleppo \n", "\n", "He That Serves God For Money Will Serve The Devil For Better Wages\n", "\n", "United Airlines will not operate out of DC this weekend, service to gradually resume Monday \n", "\n", "The first inhabitants settled in the territory of today 's Ain about 15000 B.C..\n", "\n", "I am the Kevin Jonas in this boy band called life\n", "\n", "I think fish are sad but they can't cry because they're surrounded by water.\n", "\n", "Research on link between Zika and birth defects expected by May \n", "\n", "In 2009 he won his first career major with a playoff victory over 59-year old Tom Watson in The Open Championship.\n", "\n", "China's militarization of South China Sea will have consequences: U.S. \n", "\n", "It was also revealed that the wearers of the necklaces will be ensured that they will have a tribe ; because the last man and woman that wasn't picked to join any tribe will automatically go home.\n", "\n", "If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.\n", "\n", "Like A Needle In A Haystack\n", "\n", "so i have no proof to back this up but i’m pretty sure cowboy bees would say beehaw\n", "\n", "me: hey why-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "librarian: shh\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ʷʰʸ ᶜᵃⁿᵗ ʷᵉ ᵗᵃˡᵏ ᶦⁿ ˡᶦᵇʳᵃʳᶦᵉˢ\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "librarian: they'll hear us\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: who is they\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "the ghost who lives in the shelves: WHO DARES DISTURB-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "librarian: SHH\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "the ghost who lives in the shelves: ᶠᵘᶜᵏ ᵈᵒ ᵘ ᵗʰᶦⁿᵏ ᵗʰᵉʸ ʰᵉᵃʳᵈ ᵐᵉ\n", "\n", "ALERT: we’re getting credible reports of immigrants being detained in #AdamsMorgan & other DC locations.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Call us if you see ICE activity. Undocumented folx, please see attached card for safety guidelines. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "#DC folx, please RT\n", "\n", "Look Before You Leap\n", "\n", "However , depending on the operating system , a context switch may also take place at this time.\n", "\n", "Ex-'Top Gear' host Clarkson settles lawsuit with producer he hit \n", "\n", "Originally , circular knitting was done using a set of four or five double-pointed needles.\n", "\n", "'Hard to accept that these imbeciles represent the people in our government': Shkreli tweets \n", "\n", "happy passover & remember to smear mountain dew code red on your door so the angel of death knows you're a gamer\n", "\n", "I’m bored, want to find new ways to scratch the floors?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Brilliant, let’s go.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "-my kids\n", "\n", "When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.\n", "\n", "just found out there are people who eat kitkats layer by layer and i’d like all of those people to please come forward so i can protect my family\n", "\n", "I was arguing with my girlfriend in Nando's when my best mate ran off with the garlic bread and coleslaw. I wish he would stop taking sides.\n", "\n", "bold and attractive.\n", "\n", "Grace was captivated by Jean Harlow , and would let Norma Jeane wear makeup and take her out to get her hair curled.\n", "\n", "I poured spot-remover on my dog and now he's gone.\n", "\n", "My girls and I show up at your chess tournament in full cheerleader regalia to stretch out in your opponent's line of sight. Fight, my love.\n", "\n", "Russia gives a gift of 10,000 automatic rifles to Afghanistan: \n", "\n", "A man named Jonas Yerks is believed to have been the first man to make tomato ketchup a national phenomenon.\n", "\n", "Later this name was shortened to Frankfort.\n", "\n", "My girlfriend got in the shower with me. She said \"Oooh baby, I want you to do bad things to me!\" So I put shampoo in her eyes.\n", "\n", "The Bible never speaks of God in an impersonal sense . Instead , it refers to him in personal terms - as one who is , who speaks , who sees , hears , acts , and loves.\n", "\n", "He Dances Well To Whom Fortune Pipes\n", "\n", "Head of the Laboratory of New Technologies in Music Education , Moscow State Pedagogical University.\n", "\n", "I have enough money to last me the rest of my life. Unless I buy something.\n", "\n", "at my wedding my cat will be the flower girl and she will be guided down the aisle with a laser pointer\n", "\n", "Amazon enters Britain's fresh food market with Morrisons deal​: \n", "\n", "Mahathir quits Malaysia's ruling UMNO party, protesting corruption \n", "\n", "This supportive care is best provided by multidisciplinary teams of health care professionals such as physicians ; pharmacists ; physical , occupational , and speech therapists ; acupuncturists ; nutritionists ; social workers ; and home care and hospice nurses.\n", "\n", "My wife bought a sheepskin burka for the cold weather.She looks like mutton dressed Islam.\n", "\n", "Mines ministry proposes scrapping export tax on iron ore from Goa \n", "\n", "Bald in the English name is derived from the word piebald , and refers to the white head and tail feathers and their contrast with the darker body.\n", "\n", "[park bench]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "him: if you could choose any superpower, what would it be?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: I've felt invisible my whole life so literally any other superpower would be a nice change\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "him: *noticing me for the first time and mouthing* sorry, I'm actually on my phone\n", "\n", "I think most people would pay good money to watch a pomeranian destroy a model village\n", "\n", "It may refer to a lake by that name , or to a river.\n", "\n", "Is there something I can do about feelings or am I just stuck having them for the rest of my life?\n", "\n", "after four years my girlfriend still gives me butterflies every time I see her.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "she knows I'm terrified of butterflies they've taken over my home why does she do this to me she's so mean someone please help me\n", "\n", "Sofia Lovisa Gråå had ben the first woman who was principal of this school alone.\n", "\n", "The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial.\n", "\n", "Using little plastic dinosaurs and some fishline, I made a scene for my wife's car backup camera.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Now we wait.\n", "\n", "Each member country has one vote.\n", "\n", "Know what would be great? If a bunch of stars scheduled a Live Aid type concert for the Fourth of July, right when the orange moron was speaking, to raise money for migrant children, women in need of healthcare, and everybody else endangered by his attack on democracy.\n", "\n", "I broke up with this cross eyed girl. I thought she was seeing someone else.\n", "\n", "Their first album Bathory was released in 1984 and is `` regarded by many as the first black metal record . '' The band 's fourth album Blood Fire Death was released in 1988 and includes two early examples of Viking metal - the songs `` A Fine Day to Die '' and `` Blood Fire Death ''.\n", "\n", "I've got it! I've got it! Now, for the cure...\n", "\n", "Every time I try to pour a round of drinks it ends up all over the floor. I think I need glasses.\n", "\n", "It was first published in 2000.\n", "\n", "My wife is a magician. She turned our car into a tree\n", "\n", "Thailand's ousted Shinawatra clan defies junta with publicity drive \n", "\n", "For individual timelines , see.\n", "\n", "The first bison ever born in captivity was born in Lincoln Park.\n", "\n", "I've just phoned and reserved a table to take the Mrs out on valentines night! She will be raging, she hates snooker!\n", "\n", "Indian teenager escapes debt bondage, says employer burned his legs \n", "\n", "Simba: Dad, what's the Super Bowl? Mufasa: No idea, we're lions.\n", "\n", "ME: I wish I could fly\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "GENIE: Granted!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [hovering just high enough to get hit in the face by umbrellas] I hate you\n", "\n", "I just heard some woman refer to someone as “the human equivalent of an escape room” and fuck if we don’t all know that person\n", "\n", "ME: I think it's time I get my life in order.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.\n", "\n", "Austrian cap frustrates EU efforts to tackle migrant crisis \n", "\n", "What did the vampire say to the teacher? See you next period!\n", "\n", "That Ke$ha song, Blah Blah Blah, the Chase she was talking about, yeah. It's me.\n", "\n", "lThe funniest thing about this message is that by the time you realize it doesn't say anything you its too late for you to stop reading it.\n", "\n", "The new version featured a new look , and built-in 3D effects.\n", "\n", "I was going to do a joke about construction.. but I'm still working on it.\n", "\n", "Parliamentary committee criticises surveillance bill over privacy concerns - \n", "\n", "Early Europeans used soft sponges for many purposes , including padding for helmets , portable drinking utensils and municipal water filters.\n", "\n", "Security forces in Burkina Faso are battling suspected Islamist fighters holding hostages in a hotel in the capital: \n", "\n", "The host would introduce the contestant or ask their name and hometown.\n", "\n", "Slade lowers his gun and leaves with Copper , but not before the two former adversaries share one last smile before parting.\n", "\n", "The fantasy world , which is a reflection on their lives , comes to life through their eyes as they explore the surroundings.\n", "\n", "If there's one thing I can't comprehend, it's common sense.\n", "\n", "Dearest Prudence,\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My nards were blasted off during the War of States’ Rights. Please send more nards. They’re in a chest under the bed labeled “spare nards.” Be sure not to squarsh them.\n", "\n", "I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back. Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.\n", "\n", "What does seven days without exercise make? One weak \n", "\n", "wife hoping for a normal day: good morning\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: im gonna try to become left handed\n", "\n", "People think social anxiety isn’t that serious, like you can’t die of thirst because you answered “no, I’m fine” every time you were offered water when you stayed at a friend’s house for a week.\n", "\n", "I've just arrived in Australia to surprise my fiancée. She's in London and the wedding's tomorrow.\n", "\n", "Its face is marked with white and gray , with dark rings around its eyes.\n", "\n", "Like many Javanese , Suharto had only one name.\n", "\n", "Marijuana Inc. eyes Mexico as drug liberalization looms \n", "\n", "I am yet to bite a moose that tastes like chocolate.\n", "\n", "What does the highest paid WNBA player make? Sandwiches.\n", "\n", "*flicks cigarette* I got kicked off the force because I handcuffed two gooses together\n", "\n", "As soon as one crosses a river , a different but closely related species appears.\n", "\n", "My Dad was behind bars for twenty years. Heck of a bartender he was.\n", "\n", "Many biologically important molecules are acids.\n", "\n", "old people love to complain about texting like it’s killing the art of conversation as if they didn’t literally train pigeons just to dispatch old timey dick pics\n", "\n", "Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers? In case he got a hole in one!\n", "\n", "An iwan is defined as a vaulted hall or space , walled on three sides , with one end entirely open.\n", "\n", "New chief of Indonesia's anti-graft agency vows to make a comeback \n", "\n", "Among The Blind The One-Eyed Man Is King\n", "\n", "Mudskippers are quite active when out of water , feeding and interacting with one another , for example to defend their territories.\n", "\n", "Words cannot express how limited my vocabulary is.\n", "\n", "The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself \"This changes everything\".\n", "\n", "China supports adoption of U.N. resolution to make North Korea \"pay necessary price\" for recent behavior - foreign minister\n", "\n", "Once again I'd like to remind everyone that when you take something out of a 400 degree oven, that thing is also 400 degrees.\n", "\n", "Daughter: what does biography mean?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[later at movie night]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: let’s watch Cars.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.\n", "\n", "telling people you’re single:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "• “you’ll find someone”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "• “have you tried tinder”\r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", "saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "• mystical\r", "\r", "\r\n", "• empowering\r", "\r", "\r\n", "• sword-in-the-stone vibes\n", "\n", "Ex-Nigerian minister denies $3 million fraud charges over deadly recruitment stampede \n", "\n", "Austria threatens to extend border controls: newspaper \n", "\n", "Yo mama is so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.\n", "\n", "Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?\n", "\n", "My wallet is so fat it's uncomfortable to sit. #richpeopleproblems\n", "\n", "To Send (Carry) Owls To Athens \n", "\n", "Pope urges united response to refugee 'drama', hopeful for Syria \n", "\n", "I am NOT abstinent by choice no one has Ever Tried to sleep with me. I am the opposite of sexually harassed every Moment of my life\n", "\n", "Dow, S&P off to worst four-day Jan start ever as China fears grow \n", "\n", " European man, 28, arrested at Disnyeland Paris; his bag contained guns and copy of Koran: Police source\n", "\n", "Yo mama is so old she has a picture of Jesus in her yearbook.\n", "\n", "It’s hands. they use their hands.\n", "\n", "He was born in Hampstead , London.\n", "\n", "\"Dad, do you have to be so frugal?\" \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"Shut up and eat your Boof™ brand imitation beef.\"\n", "\n", "Does Cameron have the edge over Boris in Brexit fight? \n", "\n", "How does a muppet die? It Kermits suicide.\n", "\n", "Want a stable relationship? Get a horse!\n", "\n", "A man was killed by the blast that forced Somali emergency landing: officials \n", "\n", "This was soon re-named the Co-operative Party.\n", "\n", "Last weekend, they held a minute's silence at the Etihad Stadium. It blended in nicely with the other 89.\n", "\n", "The front cover must present the full title with all words of the title equally prominent and visible.\n", "\n", "Britain's ruling Conservatives call for truce in EU campaign \n", "\n", "The river is about 50 kilometres long.\n", "\n", "In 1994 , Rau tried for the first time to become Federal President , but lost to Roman Herzog.\n", "\n", "Official prizes often involve monetary rewards as well as the fame that comes with them.\n", "\n", "ME: *singing all the harmonies from ‘As Long As You Love Me’ by the Backstreet Boys all by myself*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "LAWYER: sir please answer the question\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "JUDGE: let him finish, anthony. This is incredible\n", "\n", "When a crab screws up do things still go sideways or forward and back\n", "\n", "How do you feel when there's no more coffee? Depresso \n", "\n", "Byzantine Christians call this day `` Holy and Great Friday '' , or simply `` Great Friday ''.\n", "\n", "Louder Than Love would become the band 's first album to chart on the Billboard 200.\n", "\n", "Cameron seeks French, EU help on deal, avoids Farage \n", "\n", "Asian shares in for worst week in four years on panic over China \n", "\n", "Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.\n", "\n", "My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight. She needs to lighten up.\n", "\n", "Boat thing,\r", "\r", "\r\n", "You make my heart sing,\r", "\r", "\r\n", "You make everything…\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Gravy.\n", "\n", "I love so many things about my mom, but mostly how any time there's a vaguely foreign word, she turns into a Mario brother when she says it\n", "\n", "oh you say you're going to fuck me? you're going to try to fuck me, through the computer? Well i say this, and that is \"Game on\"\n", "\n", "NEW INFO on my NEW NEWSLETTER with @substackinc, Shan't We Tell the Vicar? You can sign up to get my writing sent to your inbox, and $5/month gets you full access!\n", "\n", "Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.\n", "\n", "The hardest thing about business is keeping your own.\n", "\n", "Other batteries were located on Middle Head , South Head , Shark Point and Bradleys Head , but none were ever used for combative purposes.\n", "\n", "me and my sister about to explain to an elderly family member why what they just said was problematic\n", "\n", "Sweep Before Your Own Door\n", "\n", "What's big, gray, and unimportant? An irrelephant.\n", "\n", "me: well, i don't want to kill myself but i do want to die\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "gas station attendant: so, that's a yes to the clearance hot dog\n", "\n", "Dame Janet Smith takes questions about the BBC Savile report. Watch: \n", "\n", "\"Hamlet\" Without The Prince Of Denmark \n", "\n", "It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.\n", "\n", "Funerals are like weddings except shorter/better food/no chicken dance/less people tearfully saying “best friend” while holding a folded piece of paper and I’m sorry but funerals are just better. I’m sorry!!!\n", "\n", "ME: My Dad was weirdly obsessed with Sir Isaac Newton and I am weirdly obsessed with Sir Isaac Newton. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SHE: Wow, so the apple doesn't fall far from the tree?\n", "\n", " I had to do it @LilNasX\n", "\n", "All atheists are hypocrites. Why, you say? They've all taken math. 2^4 is a higher power.\n", "\n", "The Wind Cannot Be Caught In A Net\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement? He's finding it hard to deal with.\n", "\n", "A place frequently visited by schoolchildren , it has little to offer by way of entertainment apart from a structure shaped like a shoe.\n", "\n", "Iranian drone flew over U.S. carrier in 'unprofessional' move: U.S. Navy \n", "\n", "The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.\n", "\n", "With the people of the village now safe and Iolaus freed , the two men journey back home and Hercules killed the Minotaur by cutting its ' head off.\n", "\n", "Trickle of inflows point to long road to normality for Greek banks \n", "\n", "I like to tease my dyslexic dwarf friend alot. Its not big and its not clever.\n", "\n", "Gonzales served as a general counsel when Bush was the governor of Texas.\n", "\n", "Viacom names CEO Dauman as chair as Redstone exits; daughter protests \n", "\n", "So what do you know about dwarfs then? Very little.\n", "\n", "Stupid ass science teacher. I’ve seen this one before.\n", "\n", "The early settlers were American immigrants from New York state.\n", "\n", "Ebern is about 1,000 years old.\n", "\n", "Lawrence conducted Pacific bird surveys for Spencer Fullerton Baird and John Cassin , and the three men co-authored Birds of North America in 1858.\n", "\n", "Slovak leader says EU agreement may not stem migrant flow from Turkey \n", "\n", "They may also work outside the home , alerting to such sounds such as sirens , forklifts and a person calling the handler 's name.\n", "\n", "COACH: Hold that football like you'd hold a woman!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Got it. *holds the football at an emotional distance, afraid of being hurt again*\n", "\n", "Doctor: for fuck sake don’t let ur kids jump on the bed anymore\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Momma Monkey: Okay\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[doctor gets a call at 1 am]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Momma Monkey: you’re not gonna believe this\n", "\n", "Beijing offers support for Hong Kong after New Year violence \n", "\n", "Ripple effect: scientists await word on gravitational waves - \n", "\n", "I'm a perfectipnist.\n", "\n", "I broke my psychic's crystal ball. It cost me a fortune.\n", "\n", "I got stung by a bee the other day. £20 for a jar of honey.\n", "\n", "Hope I get a chore list cleverly disguised as a Home Depot gift card again this Father's Day.\n", "\n", "me: *responds maybe to a fb event*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY\n", "\n", "Oil's slide below $30 sends shockwaves far and wide \n", "\n", "Knock, knock. Who's there? Old lady. Old lady who? Wow I didn't know you could yodel.\n", "\n", "Airbus in talks to delay some A320neo deliveries - sources \n", "\n", "There is a man in the corner of the train car. Don’t look at him—don’t stare!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "He has an eagle clutching an arrow tattooed on his throat, with the slogan “Swallow All Lies” emblazoned on its wings.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "The eagle is watching you. It knows why you’re on this train.\n", "\n", "Choose An Author As You Choose A Friend\n", "\n", "Miley 's best friends are classmates Lilly Truscott and Oliver Oken who both learn her secret and help her keep it from their other classmates.\n", "\n", "The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is \"notice anything different?\"\n", "\n", "coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "detective: and that's what killed him?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no\n", "\n", "The probability of someone watching you is directly related to the stupidity of your actions.\n", "\n", "I asked my girl what she wanted for Christmas this year, and she said \"Surprise me\"... So I phoned her from Hawaii.\n", "\n", "Did you hear the one about the lion who ate the lawyer? Had to lick his butt afterwards to get rid of the taste!\n", "\n", "Procrastination has it's good side. You always have something to do tomorrow.\n", "\n", "In The Sand Reckoner , Archimedes gives his father 's name as Phidias , an astronomer about whom nothing is known.\n", "\n", "Our donation fund and shirt sales have reached $1,000 with many calling in to be screened as potential donors. That's an incredible milestone, but we still need any help you're able and willing to give. My dad and I thank you all so much for your support. I'll never forget it.\n", "\n", "Today the town has many groups coming to enjoy the simple peace of St. Francis.\n", "\n", "Wild yaks can be brown or black.\n", "\n", "Sea lion takes a booth at San Diego restaurant on the beach \n", "\n", "The society of the day held that reward without labor was misguided.\n", "\n", "Cameron talks late into night, EU digs in heels: \n", "\n", "Partly it was due to the fact that he was a big \"star\" at the time. I disagreed, feeling like it was better to go into the world through the eyes of a neophyte, rather than one who \"knew\" everything. It threw off my whole balance, tbh; I wanted to discover his world gradually.\n", "\n", "im crying im so happy for them\n", "\n", "Prison riot in northeast Mexico kills dozens: local media \n", "\n", "Futures rise as oil gains hold steady: \n", "\n", "Brazil Supreme Court votes to indict lower house speaker on graft charges \n", "\n", "This closely resembles the Unix philosophy of having multiple programs each doing one thing well and working together over universal interfaces.\n", "\n", "It was me. And it was in pennies.\n", "\n", "I was reading 'The History of Glue' last night--I couldn't put it down.\n", "\n", "Tina is never even alluded to.\n", "\n", "Chloroplasts are one of the many different types of organelles in the cell.\n", "\n", "The Kyneton Cup is on the day after Melbourne Cup day.\n", "\n", "I bought my wife some of that \"volume control\" shampoo.\r\n", "\r\n", "Doesn't work, I can still hear her.\n", "\n", "[standing next to columbus on the santa maría]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "you dont know where we are do you?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[lowers telescope]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"there's just so much water keith\"\n", "\n", "'I'm sorry' and 'I apologise' mean the same thing. Unless you're at a funeral.\n", "\n", "Hugo took on the role of a maverick and got little done in the Senate.\n", "\n", "Insanity is hereditary, - You get it from your children.\n", "\n", "My girlfriend text me earlier \"Why don't you ever put an x at the end of your texts?\" I replied, \"Sorry babe. Michelle.\"\n", "\n", "Kurdish militant group TAK claims responsibility for Ankara bombing: \n", "\n", "feel sorry for those whales only getting to eat tiny food all the time. all day sucking those dusty little fish through their teeth. just crumbs. no kind of life\n", "\n", "as if i'm not going to use my platform to talk about the shit i believe in\n", "\n", "Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris and Stuart Hall walk into a pub in Ireland. Barman says \"not yew tree again\"\n", "\n", "The majority of Christians keep Sunday as a day of worship and rest , every week commemorating the resurrection of Jesus on the first day of the week on the Jewish calendar.\n", "\n", "When Jackie Chan dies his casket will fall off a 40 story building through a glass window, get launched onto the highway onto a flatbed truck and slide off a hillside through a backyard of hanging clothes right before rolling gently into his grave.\n", "\n", "At this point, there's a good chance an ICE abduction will happen in front of you. Don't stand by while your neighbors are taken away. Take pictures! Gather information! Report the raid!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Each other is all we've got.\n", "\n", "U.S. stock indexes plummet as investors are spooked by the health of the global economy: \n", "\n", "Humpty Dumpty's last words. \" man I had a good summer. I just hope I have a great fall!\"\n", "\n", "Radioactive material stolen in Iraq raises security fears \n", "\n", "I love elevator jokes. They work on so many levels.\n", "\n", "every time I talk to an american on this site I have to explain to them what all our Canadian slang means, things like \"mickey\" or \"giver\" or \"please and thank you\"\n", "\n", "If the channel mode i is set , only channel operators may invite other clients.\n", "\n", "Really enjoying all the contrarian takes of why “grabbing a woman engaged in an entirely peaceful protest by the neck” is actually VERY cool and in no way evidence that Mark Field is a fucking weird, violent man\n", "\n", "[miniature golf]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "date: I like a man who doesn't mind a small pen-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *pulling down pants*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "date: -cil\n", "\n", "I took the rear view mirror out of my car, and since then..I've never looked back\n", "\n", "I've just started dating a librarian. She's a (book)keeper.\n", "\n", "Gentility Without Ability Is Worse Than Plain Beggary\n", "\n", "NATO wants Afghan forces to do less defending, more attacking \n", "\n", "For example , English speakers recognize that the words dog , dogs , and dog catcher are closely related.\n", "\n", "RBI plans to ease rules for start-ups to access funds \n", "\n", "I was ironing the curtains last night. Fell through the window!\n", "\n", "The parameters to must use the pipe '' '' , like this :.\n", "\n", "At the time of European settlement Araluen was described as a broad alluvial valley with many natural billabongs covered with water lilies.\n", "\n", "My friend had amnesia and couldn't remember how to walk up the stairs, So I had to go back and teach him step by step.\n", "\n", "Where there's a will, there's a relative.\n", "\n", "The series ended its seven-year run on May 14 , 2006.\n", "\n", "Similarly , an innocent user may be blocked for another user 's vandalism.\n", "\n", "Teeth may be left in the wound.\n", "\n", "To do so , each day they offer the dragon at first a sheep , and if no sheep can be found , then a maiden must go instead of the sheep.\n", "\n", "[PROVERB OF THE DAY]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but dropping a hippo onto my head would be far more effective.\n", "\n", "Trump versus Rubio and Cruz at Houston Republican debate \n", "\n", "A guy said, \"I see the light at the end of the tunnel\". I then told him, \"yeah, it's a train\". ------*smack*\n", "\n", "Kenya to tackle radicalisation with new prison for 'extremists' \n", "\n", "[in a world where the only thing people can say is i love you]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my dad:\n", "\n", "She was nominated for the Academy Award for Best Actress for her work in Mogambo.\n", "\n", "blue jean baybay\r", "\r", "\r\n", "LA baybay\r", "\r", "\r\n", "seamstress for the baybay...\n", "\n", "A duck walks into the pharmacy to buy some chapstick and says \"just put it on my bill\"\n", "\n", "Melling was initially signed as a back-up hooker to Chad Randall , however the Great Britain international has made full back position his own.\n", "\n", "All Is Well That Ends Well\n", "\n", "Chosen-ciphertext attacks , like other attacks , may be adaptive or non-adaptive.\n", "\n", "I'm pretty sure Red Lobster could have just been called Lobster\n", "\n", "It's only physics if it's from the Physique region of France. Otherwise it's just sparkling math\n", "\n", "Men look at a woman's behind and go \"Oh! What an ass!\" Women look at a man's face and go \"Oh! What an ass!\"\n", "\n", "The two remained lifelong friends and Monet later paid tribute to Boudin 's early influence.\n", "\n", "Italy would veto any cap on banks' government debt holding - PM Renzi \n", "\n", "If you were born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!\n", "\n", "Every time I see a hot chick driving a big pick-up truck I think to myself her pussy must be really small\n", "\n", "We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.\n", "\n", "Introducing free idiot tests! Only $5!\n", "\n", "Dutch police are training eagles to snatch enemy drones. Find out how it's going: \n", "\n", "was just thinking about how someday nostalgia is going to trick these kids into thinking this was the best time of their lives\n", "\n", "She became SNLs first female head writer , a milestone she downplays in light of the fact that there have not been very many head writers.\n", "\n", "Fires still raging at major Libyan oil terminal after attack \n", "\n", "when mom takes away your Danny Devito cardboard cutout \n", "\n", "Lauri Porra is a Finnish bassplayer best known for his work in Stratovarius and Sinergy.\n", "\n", "Reuben Fine and Harry Golombek attributed this to Lasker 's being in mysteriously poor form.\n", "\n", "Her mother died when she was still a little girl.\n", "\n", "imagine going public as an antivax nutcase FOR NOTHING LMAO\n", "\n", "jim morrisdad: you make a better door than a window \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "jim morrison: \n", "\n", "Nintendo World Report noticed that `` the best features of past Mario Kart games are back '' and work well with the new features in Mario Kart DS , calling the end result `` the most impressive game to ever hit the Nintendo DS and also the best game in the Mario Kart series ''.\n", "\n", "A doe generally has one or two fawns at a time.\n", "\n", "Never Offer To Teach Fish To Swim\n", "\n", "Squirrel 1: Were you looking at my nuts?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Squirrel 2: Just pecan....\n", "\n", "Leaders to make joint appeal for peace at special WEF16 session - \"Reuniting Cyprus\" \n", "\n", "My wife's leaving me because \"Everything I say is irrelevant\". Easy for her to say when her mum's sister has just bought a new coffee table.\n", "\n", "There's no such thing as bad publicity\n", "\n", "Brazil police launch new round of raids in corruption probe \n", "\n", "French ex-president Sarkozy questioned by judges on funding \n", "\n", "I wonder if Evil Medical School is easier to get in to than regular med school.\n", "\n", "If you don't say 'haha' after everything you write, will they even know you're easygoing and breezy?\n", "\n", "The first time I sang in the church choir about 200 hundred people changed their religion.\n", "\n", "Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Priest:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Priest: Look she might come back\n", "\n", "What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married? Feyoncè\n", "\n", "Al Qaeda group claims kidnapping of Australians in Burkina Faso \n", "\n", "Britain says will take U.N. Yemen report 'extremely seriously': \n", "\n", "They are probably better known today as the tough material given to parakeets and other caged birds as a source of dietary calcium.\n", "\n", "Oil down 4 percent as U.S. glut overshadows producer talks \n", "\n", "His father died some time between 1832 and 1841 , and Johns and his three brothers took work as copper miners.\n", "\n", "Wanted to take a nude selfie but I couldn't figure out how to switch from Portrait to Landscape mode\n", "\n", "German government agrees tighter asylum rules \n", "\n", "Avoid the christmas chaos - go to church on sundays.\n", "\n", "Something’s definitely up, I just ordered a second helping of mulch.\n", "\n", "I always wondered how Bowser could afford so many castles. Then I did some research. You see, he had dozens of shell corporations and\n", "\n", "I've got a friend whose nickname is 'shagger'. You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.\n", "\n", "I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.\n", "\n", "Young blacks more open to Bernie Sanders' White House bid \n", "\n", "Hezbollah kills four Qaeda-linked militants in north Lebanon: security source \n", "\n", "China admiral talks warships with Cambodia as navy drill shores up ties \n", "\n", "I have a button on my microwave that says \"stop time\". I assume it means the timer but I don't touch it, just in case.\n", "\n", "Me: ok time to get some sleep :/\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Netflix: the next episode starts in 8 seconds, unless of course you turn this off and walk away. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Netflix: yea that's what i thought. little bitch. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Netflix: enjoy your show :) please rate us in the App Store :)\n", "\n", "Rival Labour could swing Brexit battle for UK PM Cameron \n", "\n", "My Dad lost his job at the cemetary after burying someone in the wrong hole. Grave mistake!\n", "\n", " U.N. Security Council condemns North Korean nuclear test, will begin work on 'measures' to take\n", "\n", "The Great Barrier Reef Marine Park does not include the entire Great Barrier Reef Province.\n", "\n", "genie: i shall grant you three wishes\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i wish my dog could talk\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "genie: done\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [petting my dog] hey buddy you've got two wishes\n", "\n", "Chief Justice pays tribute to late Supreme Court colleague Scalia\n", "\n", "This existed alongside that of the Old Catholic See of Utrecht.\n", "\n", "Shah Rukh started the company for his friend and colleague , director-choreographer Farah Khan.\n", "\n", "I don’t mean to brag about my athletic prowess, but I’ve been called the Michael Jordan of baseball of basketball.\n", "\n", "The worst thing about owls is the way that they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.\n", "\n", "McKay , like most of the men in her life , was abusive , but he did try to get her off drugs.\n", "\n", "Iraqi Kurdish deputy PM says deal with Baghdad 'easy' if salaries paid \n", "\n", "I like Deja vus because I know what to do next\n", "\n", "Every One's Faults Are Not Written In Their Foreheads\n", "\n", "Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.\n", "\n", "I think my baby frog is eastern European. It's a tad Polish\n", "\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My wife:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: (stands up)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: While you’re up....\n", "\n", "My parents used to beat me with a phone. I was always on the receiving end.\n", "\n", "“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon\n", "\n", "We'll never run out of maths teachers.. because they keep multiplying.\n", "\n", "Using a cup and a magazine to safely remove a boy from my apartment without killing them.\n", "\n", "Palestinian hunger striker held by Israel ends protest-family \n", "\n", "Fools Grow Without Watering\n", "\n", "Two sausages in a frying pan, one says to the other: \"bloody hell it's hot in here\". The other says \"OMG, A talking sausage!\"\n", "\n", "ME: Oh cool a quiz to find the Friends character you're most like\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DAVID SCHWIMMER: Untie me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "M: Question one\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DAVID SCHWIMMER: I have a family\n", "\n", "get your president away from my outer space please\n", "\n", "China rules out joining anti-terrorism coalitions, says helping Iraq \n", "\n", "me: [rolling down my window] what seems to be the problem officer\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: is that kidz bop\n", "\n", "What gets louder as it gets smaller? A baby in a trash compactor.\n", "\n", "Hi, welcome to Fight Club. First of all, how did you hear about us?\n", "\n", "What do you have when rabbits climb out of their hole? A hare-raising sight.\n", "\n", "What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.\n", "\n", "Czech PM says ready to protect Balkan borders in migrant crisis \n", "\n", "what I lack in looks I also lack in personality\n", "\n", "If there was a hero that saved people from awkward conversations, he'd be more popular than Superman.\n", "\n", "while the other democratic candidates are doing nothing but talking elizabeth warren is out there sneaking into everybody's homes and turning off motion smoothing\n", "\n", "Deporting foreigners for breaking the law is hot issue as Swiss ready for polls \n", "\n", "Wanna lose weight? Buy super glue and get rid of that big mouth of yours!\n", "\n", "Why can't a leopard play hide and seek? Because he's always spotted.\n", "\n", "How are synagogues like lemons? They're full of acidic juice.\n", "\n", "France pledges more compensation for Polynesia nuclear tests \n", "\n", "Small stakes, big impact: Obama’s investment in the gun industry. \n", "\n", "I am starting a new laundry podcast called this smells fine it doesn’t need to be washed\n", "\n", "The newly-developed Darwin Centre is designed as a new home for the museum 's collection of tens of millions of preserved specimens , as well as new work spaces for the museum 's scientific staff , and new educational visitor experiences.\n", "\n", "First U.N. refugee aid reaches war-battered Yemeni city in months \n", "\n", "Syria's truce largely holding for second day \n", "\n", "People who say they like all music except country, you better have a band t-shirt for Saint Hildegard von Bingen’s Medieval Compositions from the 1100s.\n", "\n", "*House hunting with my boyfriend*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: IT’S PERFECT!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Boyfriend: We’re in a Krispy Kreme parking lot. Also I’m your Uber driver.\n", "\n", "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.\n", "\n", "China Internet watchdog bans former tycoon's microblog \n", "\n", "A good magnetic core material must have high permeability.\n", "\n", "What do you call a large bloke with four faces and eight hands? Big Ben.\n", "\n", "Canada discriminated against Aboriginal children: tribunal \n", "\n", "The fight we had last night was my fault. My wife asked me what was on the TV and I said dust.\n", "\n", "Never try Downward Dog at the dog park.\n", "\n", "The class contains two extant subclasses.\n", "\n", "I like my women like I like my coffee. Hot and all over my crotch.\n", "\n", "He has made many recordings , especially of violin music which is not well known.\n", "\n", "The railway at one point owned at least two trains of 1962 tube stock.\n", "\n", "Instead of getting married again,\r\n", "I'm going to find a woman\r\n", "I don't like and just give her a house.\n", "\n", "[first day as a doctor]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [looking at clipboard] so it says here you're a cancer haha no way i'm a sagittarius\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "patient: um, i'm a gemini\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [looks at clipboard again] ...oh boy\n", "\n", "What do you call immigrants to Sweden? Artificial Swedeners\n", "\n", "this paper straw tastes like maybe I don’t love baby turtles\n", "\n", "What happened when the reporter fell into the water? She became an anchor\n", "\n", "Brain: Don’t make this weird\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos\n", "\n", "The card catalog was saved from fire damage and much of the lost book collection was replaced.\n", "\n", "The latter half of the previous season follows two storylines , as such the cast is roughly divided into two groups.\n", "\n", "Let me play you the song of my people\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*stomach rumbles*\n", "\n", "The flavor is aromatic and sweet.\n", "\n", "European banks face sell-off more savage than 2008: \n", "\n", "Tinder but it matches people that don't know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.\n", "\n", "As Xi heads into Middle East feud, China says aims for balance \n", "\n", "The company was established in 1854.\n", "\n", "If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good\n", "\n", "The overture is best known for its climactic volley of cannon fire and ringing chimes.\n", "\n", "Glamis Castle was the childhood home of Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon , best known as the Queen Mother.\n", "\n", "Vaginal fingering can end in orgasm ; it also may or may not constitute the entire sexual encounter.\n", "\n", "How does a lawyer go to sleep? First he lies on one side, then the other\n", "\n", "Haters only make me stronger. until they beat me powerfully about the legs & torso with large sticks, which weakens me severely\n", "\n", "Flat gravers are used for doing fill work on letters , as well as most musical instrument engraving work.\n", "\n", "Claggart tells Squeak , the ship 's corporal , to keep an eye on Billy and give him a rough time.\n", "\n", "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.\n", "\n", "Shotgun Weddings : A wife or death situation.\n", "\n", "I've told the wife I'm going dry for January. I really can't be arsed with foreplay.\n", "\n", "41 pupils , two teachers , a mother and two railway staff were killed nonetheless.\n", "\n", "me: it hurts my feelings when you talk to me like that\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "kidnapper: shut the fuck up\n", "\n", "Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up\n", "\n", "A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.\n", "\n", "i’m adding this to my tinder profile\n", "\n", "If I make you breakfast in bed, A simple 'Thank you' is all I need. Not all this 'Who are you and what are you doing in my house?' Nonsense.\n", "\n", "Two wounded in shooting at Arizona high school: police \n", "\n", "Jeremy Silman ranked him as one of the five best endgame players of all time , and a master of rook endgames.\n", "\n", "I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but I ended up really liking it.\n", "\n", "Ferguson, Missouri releases proposed consent decree \n", "\n", "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifesaver. It's what he would have wanted.\n", "\n", "Yahoo to explore strategic alternatives alongside spin-off \n", "\n", "What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy? A Cameron Diaz #SayItOutLoud\n", "\n", "He Who Likes Borrowing Dislikes Paying\n", "\n", "friend: OHHH he absolutely wrecked him \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my brain: rectum \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: :/\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my brain: :)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: :(\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my brain: :(\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my brain: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: rectum\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my brain: :))\n", "\n", "Three of its number 1 hits , `` End of the Road '' , `` I 'll Make Love to You '' , and `` One Sweet Day '' , set and exceeded records for the longest period of time a single remained scored at number 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 ; `` One Sweet Day '' still holds the record.\n", "\n", "Plymouth is one of two county seats of Plymouth County , the other being Brockton.\n", "\n", "Producers who use the term `` bisexual porn '' are most frequently depicting what a bisexual or bi-curious man might wish to see - sex acts between a man and a woman , as well as between two men.\n", "\n", "China sends fighter jets to contested island in South China Sea: Fox News \n", "\n", "China taking 'self-isolating' steps in South China Sea: Pentagon: \n", "\n", "Allison became the first Atlantic tropical storm to have its name retired.\n", "\n", "Hungarians rally against Orban's education reforms \n", "\n", "Fable: a story told by a teenager arriving home three hours after curfew.\n", "\n", "China shares try to rally on global stimulus hopes \n", "\n", "Why do rednecks like Halloween? Because they can Pump-Kin.\n", "\n", "World Health Organization declares Zika a global emergency \n", "\n", "Honesty Is The Best Policy\n", "\n", "The vet told me \"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put your dog down.\" I said. \"WHY?!\" Vet said: \"Because my arms are getting tired.\"\n", "\n", "I want a grizzly bear to eat me like a corncob\n", "\n", "When it becomes clear that you're not a daredevil you just want to die\n", "\n", "Some go further , and say that string theory as a theory of everything is a failure.\n", "\n", "Both tools use these words.\n", "\n", "Editor's Choice photos from around the world: \n", "\n", "China battles to shore up stocks, yuan after globe-shaking slide \n", "\n", "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.\n", "\n", "I'm basically Nicolas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas, except instead of alcoholism, I eat Cap'n Crunch until I fall through a glass table\n", "\n", "You been drafting this mediocre joke for two hours, tweet it or yeet it bitch\n", "\n", "Throughout most of the film , his only true friend , aside from his mother , is the mouse , Timothy - a relationship parodying the stereotypical animosity between mice and elephants.\n", "\n", "This template displays an Irish-language version of a place name and optionally and English-language translation of the Irish name.\n", "\n", "You cant beat a boiled egg.\n", "\n", "Exclusive : EgyptAir mechanic suspected in Russian plane crash - sources \n", "\n", "*handing nurse a bedpan*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I pooped in this\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Nurse: you're not a patient here\n", "\n", "Don’t. Bath. Cats.\n", "\n", "How can you get four suits for a dollar? Buy a deck of cards.\n", "\n", "The first recorded use of Teal as a color name in English was in 1917.\n", "\n", "There are two strains , one with flesh and the other with red seeds.\n", "\n", "See and current autoblocks.\n", "\n", "Duke Nukem 3D was ported to many of the consoles of that time.\n", "\n", "Khamenei's top aide says Tehran, Moscow ink $40 billion in projects: agencies \n", "\n", "*pulls a wad of tuna out of the can like chewing tobacco*\n", "\n", " Evicted in Myanmar. \n", "\n", "UBP to pay $187 million to avoid U.S. charges of aiding tax evasion \n", "\n", "If An Ass (Donkey) Bray At You, Don't Bray At Him\n", "\n", "There are two types of wikispam.\n", "\n", "What did one unemployed cancer cell say to the other? Lets get Jobs!\n", "\n", "when u a thicc colonist\n", "\n", "Interviewer: What position do you see yourself in the next 5 years?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My Brain: Don’t say fetal...don’t say fetal\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Standing tall with good posture.\n", "\n", "The four Gospels included in the New Testament have little to say about Mary Magdalene.\n", "\n", "\"Dad I don't want a puppy!\" \"Young Man, you'll eat what you're given in this house.\"\n", "\n", "In 2000 , an open source application and open standards-based protocol called Jabber was launched.\n", "\n", "Special Report: Why Obama and other gun control advocates own stock in firearms makers \n", "\n", "when you start eating healthy and taking care of yourself out of spite\n", "\n", "Where do birds meet for coffee? Nest-cafe\n", "\n", "WHO's Europe chief says risk of Zika virus spreading into Europe increases with the onset of spring and summer.\n", "\n", "Major 8.1 magnitude quake strikes southwest of Indonesia: USGS \n", "\n", "Moratti sister lets slip Mourinho 'is going to Manchester' \n", "\n", "[me as a dj]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: any requests \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "them: i want to hold your hand\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [taking their hand in mine] omg what are we\n", "\n", "Spice up your life. Go to restaurants and pronounce “lamb” with a hard B until somebody corrects you.\n", "\n", "Al Qaeda in Syria calls for more fighting as deadline nears \n", "\n", "A man in a pub asks for a pack of helicopter-flavoured crisps. The barman says \"Sorry mate, we've only got plane\"\n", "\n", "National Weather Service snow totals for DC:\r\n", "National Zoo: 16 in\r\n", "Georgetown: 14 in\r\n", "Capitol: 16 in \n", "\n", "the Holocaust didn't begin with death camps, it began with anti-semitic rhetoric, the shuttering of businesses and synagogues and the incitement of mob violence. most people in most countries denied what was happening even as the death camps did their awful work.\n", "\n", "COCPs should be taken at approximately the same time every day.\n", "\n", "I taught my Dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground. We went from Barking to Tooting in about an hour.\n", "\n", "Why can’t everyone just be a dog?\n", "\n", "Follow our live blog of the Democratic presidential debate.\n", "\n", "Former Italy PM Monti chides incumbent Renzi for criticizing EU \n", "\n", "Frankfurt International Airport is the single largest place of work in Germany.\n", "\n", "Police arrest Bosnian tycoon-turned-politician \n", "\n", "Samsung Galaxy S7, LG G5 unveiled as companies try to revive smartphone sales \n", "\n", " About 15 state attorneys general join probe of health insurer mergers. \n", "\n", "U.S., allies conduct 20 air strikes in Iraq, six in Syria: U.S. military \n", "\n", "me: [absolutely killing it on harmonica]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "taco bell cashier: are you gonna order\n", "\n", "The Adjudication Panel addressed the case over two days on the 13 & 14 December 2005 and adjourned the hearing for two months.\n", "\n", "Oregon occupiers remain holed up after FBI releases video of shooting \n", "\n", "Netflix just suggested that I should watch a movie that’s 2x better\n", "\n", "U.N. council to vote on North Korea sanctions text agreed by U.S., China \n", "\n", "News just in. The guy who took an airline company to court over his missing luggage has lost his case.\n", "\n", "Greece says four of five migrant registration centers ready \n", "\n", "Every Miller Draws Water To His Own Mill\n", "\n", "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?\r\n", "\r\n", "Neither, the rooster did\n", "\n", "Bahrain on path to recovery five years after revolt, says police chief \n", "\n", "An Apple A Day Keeps The Doctor Away\n", "\n", "I once found a deflated \"Get Well Soon\" balloon in a graveyard and there's never been anything more representative of the human condition.\n", "\n", "Some people think there are insects on the Moon. Lunar tics.\n", "\n", "dad: \"what's that nice french place we went to called again?\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: \"france?\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dad: \"that's the one\"\n", "\n", "It was estimated that a female Eurasian Sparrowhawk weighing an average amount could survive for seven days without feeding - three days longer than a male.\n", "\n", "Their first world tour took place in October 1998.\n", "\n", "To neigh or not to neigh. That is equestrian.\n", "\n", " Magnitude of latest North Korean seismic event appears slightly less than one in 2013: nuclear treaty organization\n", "\n", "Every morning after breakfast there was a time of Bible reading and prayer , and every child was given a Bible upon leaving the orphanage.\n", "\n", "Bisexual pornography is a genre of pornography which most typically depicts one woman and two men who all perform sex acts on each other . Bisexual pornography differs from threesome pornography , which typically depicts one man and two women.\n", "\n", "He currently lives near New York City.\n", "\n", "Yo Mama is so fat she uses the equator as her belt.\n", "\n", "Islamic State threatens to destroy Saudi prisons after executions: \n", "\n", "Bosnia not ready for EU membership: diplomats \n", "\n", "WikiLeaks' Assange calls on Sweden, Britain to allow him freedom after U.N. panel report: \n", "\n", "Okay, it was \"asshole.\"\n", "\n", "A new conflict brews at Peru's Las Bambas copper mine \n", "\n", "Hi Dying I’m Grandson :)\n", "\n", "Taiwan opposition wins presidency, China warns against independence move \n", "\n", "\"If women ruled the world,\" said my wife, \"there'd be no wars.\" \"That's true,\" I replied. \"Wars require strategy and logic.\"\n", "\n", "Did you hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?. Well, well, well!\n", "\n", "Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? To find a tight seal.\n", "\n", "BT should be overhauled, not split up - regulator: \n", "\n", "IRA ghosts temper rise of Irish protest party Sinn Fein \n", "\n", "Did you hear about the Native American who drank 1000 glasses of tea? He drowned in his tea pee.\n", "\n", "\"Hurt Myself\" By Amin Payne\n", "\n", "Gossiping And Lying Go Hand In Hand\n", "\n", "Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.\n", "\n", "The song also went # 1 on all major digital music charts within two days.\n", "\n", "U.N. group agrees to aircraft CO2 emission standards: \n", "\n", "Niger voting extended for second day after some polls didn't open \n", "\n", "Kakihara soon realizes Ichi can not hurt him , so he inserts two skewers into both his ears in a suicide attempt.\n", "\n", "Haiti postpones presidential election as violence erupts: p://reut.rs/1QjOXeG \n", "\n", "Pakistan arrests elusive top ganglord in crime-ridden Karachi \n", "\n", "But being should not be confused with being or , let alone or.\n", "\n", "More yawns than yuan in China's late-night forex trade \n", "\n", "Brett Gurewitz attributed his anger towards former US president George W. Bush as the major inspiration for The Empire Strikes First.\n", "\n", "A brief history of the FIFA presidency (since 1904): \n", "\n", "amuro looking up how to not fucking die while in the process of dying is honestly a huge millennial mood. what a god.\n", "\n", "A Rabbi and a Priest are walking in the park when they see a little boy. Priest: \"Hey let's go screw that little boy\" Rabbi: \"Out of what?\"\n", "\n", "Peru's Guzman says rallies will ensure his run for president \n", "\n", "I don't do dating apps. I'll take my rejection the old fashioned way. In person.\n", "\n", "My girlfriend laughed at me when I said I had a car made from spaghetti. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.\n", "\n", "\"let us know\"\n", "\n", "Some of you are still baby twitter accounts. You’ll learn how to handle being hated eventually.\n", "\n", "Radioactive material stolen in Iraq raises security concerns: \n", "\n", "Diarrhea must be hereditary because it runs in your jeans.\n", "\n", "i’ll be honest he doesn’t look that live\n", "\n", "The \"check engine\" light came on, so I did.\r\n", "\r\n", "Yup, still there.\n", "\n", "U.S. jobless claims fall from five-month high: \n", "\n", "The old portion of the city has many fine Renaissance era buildings decorated with exterior frescos and sculpture , as well as the impressive old canton fortress , the Munot.\n", "\n", "Tarrasch haughtily declined , stating that Lasker should first prove his mettle by attempting to win one or two major international events.\n", "\n", "One of the factors which inspired her was watching videos of Barney & Friends when she was 4 years old.\n", "\n", "Nigeria to launch new investigation of 2014 kidnap of Chibok girls \n", "\n", "Friends Are Thieves Of Time\n", "\n", "wishing I lived in a medieval village with timbered pubs and cute cobbled streets. the baker's daughter brings me pies straight from the oven, and my only worry is can I find enough exotic gems in the caves to appease the harvest sprites.\n", "\n", "The film is set in New York City and Los Angeles.\n", "\n", "I have never understood this whole Easter egg thing, Rabbits are mammals, aren't they? Happy Easter!\n", "\n", "when someone drinks decaf coffee? its like, ok, maybe just have a cup of water u stupid bitch\n", "\n", "North Korea's mobile missile launcher seen moving: Japan's NHK \n", "\n", "I like my cookies medium rare\n", "\n", "However , in the 1840s the Swiss - American expert on fossil fish Louis Agassiz did name two fossil fish species , Acrodus anningiae , and Belenostomus anningiae , after her , and another after her friend Elizabeth Philpot.\n", "\n", "In mathematics , the cardinality of a set is a measure of the `` number of elements of the set ''.\n", "\n", "Three migrants die in Lesbos from hypothermia after icy sea crossing \n", "\n", "Me: my therapist suggested i get a puppy to get me feeling motivated and refocused\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: okay but\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: i need A LOT of motivation\n", "\n", "In actuality the Vézinas only had two children and Georges spoke broken English.\n", "\n", "I was wondering what my parents did without the internet. None of my 13 siblings could tell me\n", "\n", "Police are looking for a man on suspicion of beastiality. He was last seen yesterday at 10:00am getting into a Jaguar..\n", "\n", "Yemeni president appoints general to senior army post, state media report \n", "\n", "Daughter: was I a mistake?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: no honey.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Son: was I a mistake mama?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: no baby.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Daughter: so no one was a mistake?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: [holds up mushroom] hey look I’m a fungi to be with!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: well...\n", "\n", "Welch has stated although she would like to tour the United States she is fearful of becoming homesick due to the length of time it would take to tour the country.\n", "\n", " U.S. House of Representatives approves legislation to broaden sanctions against North Korea\n", "\n", "Obama's last State of the Union to set final goals, promote legacy \n", "\n", "Adolf William had five sons , but the first four died soon after birth.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the one legged sumo wrestler? He was a total pushover.\n", "\n", "Changing the world starts with you. That's right, the person that can't parallel park. Think you can handle it?\n", "\n", "Southern California people, starting tomorrow I will begin giving all of my paintings away. I will be leaving them in public locations and will post a photo here in order to help people find them. The paintings will be signed and a note will be attached. Watch this thread. #art\n", "\n", "Television: A device that enables people aren't doing anything to watch people who can't do anything.\n", "\n", "wife: [watching the news] some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick\n", "\n", "For instance , a user may choose to license main namespace changes in one license and talk namespace changes in another.\n", "\n", "Coal was discovered on Black Jack Hill in 1877.\n", "\n", "Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side.\n", "\n", "The upperside is creamy white with black tips to the forewings.\n", "\n", "Aid convoys depart for besieged Syrian town, villages: Red Cross \n", "\n", " Islamic State officially claims Jakarta attacks: statement\n", "\n", "Locke never married nor had children.\n", "\n", "Don’t have enough hands to hold your donut, beer, and phone while taking a bubble bath? The donut fits pretty snugly around the neck of the beer bottle. You can just eat it off as you go.\n", "\n", "What happened to the kid who chugged 8 cokes? He burped 7up.\n", "\n", "Did you hear that the Dalai Lama has a gambling addiction? He just loves Tibet.\n", "\n", "EU's Mogherini says no Cold War with Russia as Syria truce agreed \n", "\n", "My grandfather puts horse manure on his rhubarb..I prefer it with custard.\n", "\n", "What did the writer say when he glued himself to his book? That's my story and I'm sticking to it. \n", "\n", "me: you know i hate to be \"that guy\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "them: what guy\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [points at mirror]\n", "\n", "'Yo yo'--a six year old's favorite toy, or two gang members talking? You be the judge.\n", "\n", "Alcohol never solves any problems.\r\n", "\r\n", "But then again, neither does milk.\n", "\n", "He that shall be guilty of Drunkenness in time of Engagement shall suffer what Punishment the Captain and Majority of the Company shall think fit.\n", "\n", "The Darkest Place Is Under The Candlestick\n", "\n", "No Man Is Wise At All Times\n", "\n", "Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.\n", "\n", "Bristles may be natural or synthetic.\n", "\n", "SeaWorld says will no longer use employees to infiltrate PETA \n", "\n", "Ruckus at Indian court hearing student sedition case \n", "\n", "If you watch Jeopardy backwards it becomes a show where people pay money to ask questions.\n", "\n", "Kerry meets with Abbas, urges calm, decrease in violence \n", "\n", "Venezuela's state informers: patriots or snitches? \n", "\n", "Nobody: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me drunk at 2 am: I love u\n", "\n", "How do football players cool down during a game? They stand near the fans.\n", "\n", "He is married to Maggie ; they have three adult children , two sons and a daughter.\n", "\n", "In the town live approximately 18,000 inhabitants.\n", "\n", "Why did the computer crash? Because it had a bad driver!\n", "\n", "Thieves have broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. The dirty bastards!\n", "\n", "I don’t care if it’s giant bags of money, if you’re passing it out on the sidewalk I’m saying no.\n", "\n", "One day he accidentally rode stark naked through the outdoor set of a silent movie in production and was `` discovered . ''\n", "\n", "We’re off to see @watsoncomedian this evening and very happy to be bringing our boys with us too, sort of handing him on to the next generation.\n", "\n", "Are you cunts fucking bent? @auspost\n", "\n", "It's wild to me that in Leviticus, the rules about eating mammals and fish are like, kind of vague and general, but it gets VERY PARTICULAR about birds. Like. Did a Bird write Leviticus? MAYBE.\n", "\n", "Why have elephants got big ears? Cos Noddy won't pay the ransom.\n", "\n", "Laika was a Soviet space dog who became the first animal to orbit the Earth and the first orbital death.\n", "\n", "Spatulas have a handle that is long enough to keep the holder 's hand away from what is being lifted , flipped , or scraped.\n", "\n", "What do you call sunscreen in Ireland? Pubs\n", "\n", "Dad: Where can I get a potato clock? Son: Why a potato clock?!? Dad: I've got a new job and my boss said I need to get-a-potato-clock\n", "\n", "Every time the measurements are repeated , there will be another value for the mean of the sample.\n", "\n", "The smartest and most beautiful women I know walking into a relationship with a straight up terror of a human being:\n", "\n", "This powder - much like the instant cocoa powder used today - was easier to stir into milk and water , and led to another very important discovery : solid chocolate.\n", "\n", "Much Ado About Nothing\n", "\n", "I just read an article about the wages of alcoholism. So wait... you can get paid for that?\n", "\n", "For much of her adult life Leigh dealt with bipolar disorder.\n", "\n", "I'm really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls. They're so full of themselves.\n", "\n", "I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.\n", "\n", "Suicide bombing in Afghan capital kills four people \n", "\n", "My ex-wife had my name tattooed on her boob, but she had it removed. I've been erased from her mammary.\n", "\n", "Also see the examples below.\n", "\n", "I bought an answering machine today but I think it's broken.I've asked it loads of questions but nothing's happening.\n", "\n", "Mexican drug lord Guzman seeks to speed up extradition to U.S. \n", "\n", "boomers: stop complaining you just need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "millenials: we can't afford boots we can barely afford to stay alive\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "boomers: WHY ARE MILLENIALS KILLING THE BOOTSTRAP INDUSTRY\n", "\n", "You put 2 fingers in. Maybe 3, if it's big enough. Oh yeah, now that's how you wash a mug.\n", "\n", "him: *gesturing to the shotgun* loaded with shells?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "{flashback to me loading the gun with velveeta shells & cheese}\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: yes.\n", "\n", "MPs seek veto powers over top regulator post \n", "\n", "It was followed by Xenocide and Children of the Mind.\n", "\n", "robber: put the money in the bag\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "mcdonalds cashier: ok just don't kill me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "robber: now put sprite in this water cup\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "mcdonalds cashier: fuck you i'd rather die\n", "\n", "She performed it live on the album Black Gold.\n", "\n", "'Important progress' made on U.N. North Korea resolution: China \n", "\n", "Better An Open Enemy Than A False Friend\n", "\n", "Snooki's son is going to hate it when his friends discover Yo mama jokes.\n", "\n", "Körös is the name of a 195 km long river in eastern Hungary.\n", "\n", "The song was left off Don't Believe the Truth because Gallagher felt that including it would have meant he 'd have been singing too many songs on the record.\n", "\n", "A blind guy was on Wheel of Fortune. He asked if he can buy an I.\n", "\n", "My boss thinks of me as a verb.\n", "\n", "I've decided that I'm not happy with my body but instead of diet and exercise I'd just like to ask you all to avert your eyes.\n", "\n", "He was one of the first NHL goaltenders to catch the puck with his hand to make a save , and helped popularize the technique.\n", "\n", "Be sure to sacrifice your children to the all-powerful Giant Suitcase.\n", "\n", "Lace is an openwork fabric , patterned with open holes in the work , made by machine or by hand.\n", "\n", "Statistics show the average person has sex 89 times per year. Looks like I'm in for an incredible few days.\n", "\n", "I'd like to go to Holland one day. Wooden shoe?\n", "\n", "Please take your endless energy and go away.\n", "\n", " Thousands of migrants are stranded in Greece. \n", "\n", "Lessons are generally taught in a classroom but may instead take place in a situated learning environment.\n", "\n", "Crude oil rises for first time in eight days after U.S. stocks fall \n", "\n", "\"Inverted sit-ups\" is just a fancy name for lay-downs. I can only do one. But I can hold it for a long time.\n", "\n", "Russian foreign minister Lavrov thinks British government could be sued for comments relating to Litvinenko inquiry.\n", "\n", "Frightened that he might not come back alive , Norma Jeane begged him to give her a child before he left.\n", "\n", "Even though it is classified as a long bone , the clavicle has no medullary cavity like other long bones.\n", "\n", "I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a midget because he under stands.\n", "\n", "Eisenstein 's foray into the west made the staunchly Stalinist film industry look upon him with a suspicion that would never completely disappear.\n", "\n", "Louder Than Live is a home video by the American alternative rock band Soundgarden featuring songs performed live at the Whisky a Go Go in Los Angeles , California on December 7 , 1989 and December 10 , 1989.\n", "\n", "I got myself a new job in the telescope factory. Things are really looking up.\n", "\n", "In the royal garden , Ilia asks the breezes to carry her love to Idamante , who appears , explaining that he must go to fight the serpent.\n", "\n", "China pilots told to rise above prostitution, gambling and drink \n", "\n", "Of course I can keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t keep them.\n", "\n", "The name predates the well known mall built near the condominium developments.\n", "\n", "There are three living species and two extinct species in this genus.\n", "\n", "Knock, knock. Who's there? Dismay. Dismay who? Dismay be a bad joke but I think it's funny.\n", "\n", "Nickelback walks into a bar...there is no punch line cause ruining music isn't funny.\n", "\n", "The last time I saw my sister was at an Oasis concert. I was standing in the croud shouting \"Go Oasis Go!\". I haven't seen her since.\n", "\n", "He scored 7/9 at the open tournament.\n", "\n", "Junta-ruled Thailand flirts with Russia as U.S. ties cool \n", "\n", "Turkey not considering sending troops into Syria: agency \n", "\n", "I need a millennium falcon shaped IUD\n", "\n", "Drum and bugle corps is a name used to describe two forms of marching units.\n", "\n", "DENTIST: oh boy looks like you have several cavities \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME [proudly]: but I like brushing my butthole the best\n", "\n", "Sorry you keep running out of people who only want to talk about you and that’s literally the only topic you care about\n", "\n", "Iran says ready to put rivalries aside with Saudi Arabia \n", "\n", "[takes a huge bong rip while driving]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my uber passenger: excuse me\n", "\n", "My friend asked me if I wanted to go to a nudist colony with him later. I said \"I've got nothing on, I might as well\"\n", "\n", "Up to 100,000 houses lost power as tree branches fell on power lines.\n", "\n", "What do you call a man in a pile of leaves? Russell\n", "\n", "What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe damnit breathe!\n", "\n", "Turkish court rules rights violated in arrest of prominent journalists: acting editor \n", "\n", "Brackish water is water that has more salinity than fresh water , but not as much as seawater.\n", "\n", "My wife let's me show her who's boss every once in awhile.\n", "\n", "The outer three tepals are narrower.\n", "\n", "The name water bear comes from the way they walk , reminiscent of a bear 's gait.\n", "\n", "No government in sight as Spain's king wraps up second round of talks \n", "\n", "The Hokkaido Wolf was larger than the HonshÅ« Wolf , more closely approaching the size of a regular Gray Wolf.\n", "\n", "I learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.\n", "\n", "Obama, Netanyahu may agree defence deal in Washington next month, envoy says \n", "\n", "Me: [screaming]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "You: [screaming]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "All of us: [screaming]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Ice cream parlour employee: I fuckin quit\n", "\n", "When I first started on Twitter I remember being so concerned with my ratio of followers to following, but now I'm only worried about my ratio of bad tweets and even worse tweets\n", "\n", "\"They told me to play safe, so I played with one\" - Thief\n", "\n", "When it becomes clear that you're not a daredevil you just want to die\n", "\n", "What do you call a terrorist's girlfriend? A Guantanamo Bae\n", "\n", "Electricity supply in Iraq's Kurdistan region hit by blast \n", "\n", "Pyrgopolynices from Miles Gloriosus , in bragging about his long life , says he was born one day later than Jupiter.\n", "\n", "Anti-government militiamen press standoff at Oregon wildlife refuge: \n", "\n", "Why don't cannibals eat divorced women? They're bitter.\n", "\n", "What do you say if a shooting range catches on fire?\n", "\n", "therapist: bigfoot isn't real, he can't hurt you\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: oh thank god\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "therapist: but i can lol [stabs me]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: therapist no!!!\n", "\n", "Greece may not sign summit conclusions unless EU agrees no border closures \n", "\n", "My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better!\n", "\n", "The long-beaked echidnas make up one of the two genera of echidnas , spiny monotremes that lives in New Guinea.\n", "\n", "The name `` kangaroo mouse '' refers to the species ' extraordinary jumping ability , as well as its habit of bipedal locomotion.\n", "\n", "Militants go on a shooting rampage at a Pakistan university, killing at least 19: \n", "\n", "Who says Divine people dont have a sense of humor, they made me didn't they?\n", "\n", "Israeli troops kill two Palestinians in Gaza stone-throwing clash \n", "\n", "Lavrov calls for new pact against chemical warfare by Islamic State \n", "\n", " New explosions heard in central Jakarta: Kompas TV\n", "\n", "the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i'd rather die than rat out a shark\n", "\n", "[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die\n", "\n", "U.S. health official: Widespread Zika vaccine not likely to be available for years. \n", "\n", "Blood Is Thicker Than Water\n", "\n", "A priest, a rabbi, and a blind man walk into a bar and the bartender says, \"What is this, some kind of joke?\n", "\n", "Danish ruling party to hold talks as government's future in balance \n", "\n", "Eventually they will remake Back to the Future and the time machine will be a PT Cruiser\n", "\n", "Food aid reaches thousands uprooted by Boko Haram in Chad: U.N. \n", "\n", "He Who Makes No Mistakes, Makes Nothing\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the blind circumciser? He got the sack!\n", "\n", "Harrison sought little of Tyler 's advice , and Tyler reportedly offered none.\n", "\n", "If anyone ever tells you they've lost their voice, They're lying.\n", "\n", "A white flag is a common symbol of surrender , as is the gesture of raising one 's hands empty and open above one 's head.\n", "\n", "Empty or missing parameters are ignored.\n", "\n", "KID: Mister! The zebra is escaping!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ZOOKEEPER: Don't be silly kid. That's just a raccoon\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ZEBRA: [walking out on hind legs] *raccoon noises*\n", "\n", "EU envoy appalled by Putin ally's murder threats to Russian opposition figure \n", "\n", "This Royal Rumble set a new record for the most wrestlers involved in an elimination , taking 8 men to throw Viscera over the top rope.\n", "\n", "After the fall of Soviet Union , he has been able to make two more short films , Life and The End.\n", "\n", "Armani Collezioni is another high-end Armani sub-label.\n", "\n", "He set up a republic in Florence.\n", "\n", "Alphabet profit sends shares up; overtakes Apple in value \n", "\n", "Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands. I like this joke because it never grows old.\n", "\n", "Russia's Gazprom cuts gas supplies to Turkey by 10 percent - sources \n", "\n", "Israeli troops shoot dead a Palestinian teen hurling Molotov: army \n", "\n", "Westley: Inhale this, but do not touch...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Vizzini: I smell noth-oh wait now I smell it, that's disgusting \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Westley: He who smelt it also dealt it\n", "\n", "I just spent all day looking for a cat with one eye. I think I would of found it if I used both.\n", "\n", "I just took the 6 o'clock Birmingham train. The people from the train company were furious and made me give it back.\n", "\n", "I struggle to maintain eye contact in any conversation half as long as actors do while they are driving a car\n", "\n", "Female wanted, must have own pub. Apply with inn.\n", "\n", "Danish parliament passes tough immigration laws \n", "\n", "I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I've had it right up to here with them.\n", "\n", "In the southern hemisphere , the name mollymawk is still well established in some areas , which is a corrupted form of malle-mugge , an old Dutch name for the Northern Fulmar.\n", "\n", "Weismann was one of the first biologists to deny soft inheritance entirely.\n", "\n", "[before the test drive]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "him: try to play it cool this time\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: no prob\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[during the test drive]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: OH MY GOD THIS IS THE CUTEST SHADE OF BLUE I’VE EVER SEEN AND LOOK IT HAS NAV AND I’VE ALWAYS WANTED A PANORAMIC MOONROOF ON MY SUV PLEASE TAKE OUR MONEY\n", "\n", "Iran says Peugeot to pay $446 million compensation for sanctions move \n", "\n", "Marine Biologist: and then there’s the pilot whale, which is commonly mistaken for a porpoise\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Guy who thinks the word porpoise is disgusting: *starts gagging*\n", "\n", "She is tired for reasons she can't explain and in ways you'll never understand.\n", "\n", "If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies? A Swallow.\n", "\n", "In one of its poorest and most dangerous cities, Pope Francis slams Mexico´s rich: \n", "\n", "I had a dog with no legs. I named him cigarette so I could take him for a drag.\n", "\n", "Klopp used to have the \"Yellow Wall\". Now he's going to have small pieces of red wall instead. Under his car, where the wheels used to be.\n", "\n", "May the 4th be with you.\n", "\n", "EU's Juncker sees progress in migrant crisis, praises Merkel \n", "\n", "His mother , whose maiden name was Collins , died in 1885.\n", "\n", "wife: DON’T GO \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *chasing waterfalls*\n", "\n", "me: i need help with my math homework\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "woman: *takes off her shirt* will this help\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: how the fuck is that gonna help me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "porn director: okay cut\n", "\n", "The rotation of the planet Earth really makes my day!\n", "\n", "Yemen says Aden airport to reopen in weeks after refurbishment \n", "\n", "child: why do we get christmas presents?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "priest: to represent god’s gift to the world\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "child: why christmas lights?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "priest: the light of the spirit or something idk\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "child: why the christmas tree\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "priest: *slams bible* cuz jesus fuckin loved trees\n", "\n", "Highly eusocial bees live in colonies.\n", "\n", "My New Year's resolution is to make commitments I can't keep. I am well on my way.\n", "\n", "Ukraine government puts on united front amid political crisis \n", "\n", "How are Bungee jumping and visiting a prostitute alike? If the rubber breaks, you're dead.\n", "\n", "Immigration showdown slated at Supreme Court: \n", "\n", "Police are looking for a mugger who threatens his victims with a lit match. They need to catch him before he strikes again.\n", "\n", "Just had a steering wheel removed from my penis. It was driving me nuts.\n", "\n", "EU's Tusk will present a new proposal in Britain talks: \n", "\n", "This arrangement also did not last long , as 12-year-old Norma Jeane was assaulted by one of Olive 's sons.\n", "\n", "Spanish pirate? Sea señor\n", "\n", "An Ill Wound Is Cured, Not An Ill Name\n", "\n", "I just got a car for my wife. Great swap!\n", "\n", "Short-beaked Echidnas can live anywhere that has a good supply of food.\n", "\n", "Britain may take in unaccompanied children fleeing Syria \n", "\n", "Absolutely petty and ridiculous.\n", "\n", "Trump's third straight win has rivals looking for answers\n", "\n", "\"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.\"\n", "\n", "Why are four legged animals bad dancers? Cos they have two left feet.\n", "\n", "My room is not messy; it is an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.\n", "\n", "If you're an astronaut and don't break up with someone by saying ' I need some space ' you're wasting everyone's time.\n", "\n", "Judge to State Dept: finish Clinton email release this month \n", "\n", "Waste Not, Want Not\n", "\n", "Don't fart in the apple store. They don't have Windows\n", "\n", "Grieg 's later life brought him fame.\n", "\n", "Shanghai G20 talks to feature hunt for ways to calm markets, lift global growth \n", "\n", "You think living on the streets is bad? I'm from the sidewalk. Stepped on a crack and grew up motherless.\n", "\n", "In the Classical period , symphonies in G minor almost always used four horns , two in G and two in B-flat alto.\n", "\n", "i think maybe this one? although the only things it has from my original want list are the comfortable seat and disc brakes. change my mind. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "https://www.giant-bicycles.com/us/sedona-dx-disc …\n", "\n", "We are like grain.\n", "\n", "Read a caution label 'Avoid contact with eyes' --shoot! I've already seen it!\n", "\n", "Live, Laugh, Kirby\n", "\n", "Like Mother , Mother 3 has only a loose connection to EarthBound , starring new characters , though it does include several returning characters.\n", "\n", "my new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories i can post online\n", "\n", "Finally, a sportswear company that really gets me.\n", "\n", "the year is 2041. the nickelodeon slime we played with in our youth was toxic. lawyer commercials run nonstop on tv promising us financial cash compensations. but we do not call because we are all dead\n", "\n", "Constance Lowell proposed Zeus , then Lowell , and finally her own first name.\n", "\n", "The only thing I'm even remotely concerned about is panty lines.\n", "\n", "\"President Bush is going to visit the Vatican. He says he's looking forward to meeting the Pope and Mrs. Pope.\"\n", "\n", "My wife said to me, \"I'm fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave.\" I said, \"You pack them.\"\n", "\n", "China statistics chief sacked amid corruption probe \n", "\n", "I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.\n", "\n", "pretty awesome how the president just saved 150 ppls lives like that, but you wont hear the fake news media mention THAT\n", "\n", "Three killed in bombing claimed by Islamic State in northeast Syria \n", "\n", "When I was a teen my mom got mad at me because she thought I popped my screen to sneak out and hook up with boys. You guys, I was just sneaking my cat into the house. Wild stuff.\n", "\n", "Hollande could face Socialist primary challenger: party head \n", "\n", "Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married? \r\n", "The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!\n", "\n", "Kurdish solidarity in Turkey's restive southeast frustrates its Syria policy \n", "\n", "The first settlers arrived in 1821.\n", "\n", "Cruz's Iowa victory could be big blow to Big Corn \n", "\n", "`` What Jeff was able to do as an outsider who wasn't so attached to the story was to really let his imagination go free and make up this world in a wonderful way '' , David said.\n", "\n", "My waitress threw sodium chloride at me. She was arrested and charged with a salt.\n", "\n", "I told her I had lightning quick reflexes. Sounds better than premature ejaculator.\n", "\n", "Despite their spines , they are preyed on by birds , the Tasmanian Devil , cats , foxes and dogs.\n", "\n", "Mike Scully noted that Flanders is `` everything Homer would love to be , although he 'll never admit it ''.\n", "\n", "I dream of a different world. A better world. Where horses lay eggs. Horse eggs. Size of horses. They scream when hatch.\n", "\n", "Former Tepco execs indicted over Fukushima nuclear disaster: media \n", "\n", "Volvo Cars recalls 59,000 cars over software fault \n", "\n", "When I asked my friend how he's doing, he said \"man, I'm just happy to be breathing\". I told him he should have bigger aspirations.\n", "\n", "Microsoft beats Wall Street view on high demand for cloud products \n", "\n", "Built on land which ends on precipitous cliffs , lost balls really are lost.\n", "\n" ] }, { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "Love you :)\n", "\n", "For this reason , a message intended for one person may be received by another.\n", "\n", "No Herb Will Cure Love\n", "\n", "Wheelchair-bound girl Macedonian border for hours, hoping to cross: \n", "\n", "U.N. chief Ban slams Israeli settlements as 'provocative acts' \n", "\n", "I admire both Obi Wan and Dumbledore. When things got really bad and they faced a powerful foe they just rolled over and died, allowing some teenagers to deal with the mess.\n", "\n", "The term `` survival horror '' was first used for the original Japanese release of Resident Evil in 1996 , which was influenced by earlier games with a horror theme such as Sweet Home and Alone in the Dark.\n", "\n", "LAWYER: due to concerns of body shaming *puts hand on Bigfoot's back* my client asks that he please be referred to by his given name, Colin\n", "\n", "Ambetextrous: able to text with both hands.\n", "\n", "Boredom is an anagram of bedroom. My wife gets this.\n", "\n", "For the first time in its history Laing did not have a member of the founding family at the head of the company.\n", "\n", "Austria announces plan to slash asylum claims \n", "\n", "Malaysia's top lawyer rejected advice to charge PM: source \n", "\n", "Iran extends voting again due to high turnout: State TV \n", "\n", "Local news: 'Amputee robber evaded police for 15 days'. That's amazing, considering he wasn't armed.\n", "\n", "Network SouthEast was one of three passenger sectors of British Rail created in 1982.\n", "\n", "My cat should stop thinking outside of the box.\n", "\n", "What do you call a cow that has had an abortion? Decaffeinated\n", "\n", "Australian PM Turnbull weighs early poll to break political deadlock \n", "\n", "Protesters march over extradition of Salvadoran soldiers to Spain \n", "\n", "Netanyahu is the first Israeli prime minister born after the State of Israel 's foundation.\n", "\n", "Him: Did you adopt your dog?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: No, he's my biological dog.\n", "\n", "Israel letter shows Eichmann sought clemency as 'mere instrument' of Nazis \n", "\n", "I just got a job as a street cleaner. No training, they said. I'd just pick it up as I went along.\n", "\n", "WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Nah, you take it\r", "\r", "\r\n", "KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza's real mother\n", "\n", "Oil rises 5 percent to above $30 as cold weather pushes demand \n", "\n", "A Mexican magician tells the audience that he will disappear on the count of three. Uno, dos... then *poof* he disappeared without a tres!\n", "\n", "Its not my fault I have a double-chin. When God was giving out chins, I thought he said Gin. So I said I'll have a double.\n", "\n", "For more detail on the early development of the first nuclear reactors and nuclear weapons , see Manhattan Project.\n", "\n", "I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.\n", "\n", "one way to get their attention is to use the words stigma & stigmata interchangeably.\n", "\n", "just as the anesthesia kicks in you hear the doctor whisper to the nurse “imma stir his soup”\n", "\n", "Thank god for nipples! Without them, boobs would be pointless.\n", "\n", "We do have a zeal for laughter in most situations, give or take a dentist.\n", "\n", "Both requests can't be satisfied , so a deadlock occurs.\n", "\n", "The Furthest Way About Is The Nearest Way Home\n", "\n", "Time is not considered in Eriugena 's definition ; thus , his definition includes everything that exists , has existed and will exist , as well as everything that does not exist , has never existed and will never exist.\n", "\n", "Infantino confident of taking more than half of Africa's votes \n", "\n", "If you get a tattoo of your top tweet, well, the joke's on you.\n", "\n", "To Be Head Over Ears In Debt\n", "\n", "cashier: would you like a receipt?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cashier: well?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: I want to talk to a lawyer\n", "\n", "McCoy goes by the stage name of `` Martin Luther '' in his music career.\n", "\n", "Turkey foreign minister: U.S. making conflicting statements over Syrian Kurdish YPG \n", "\n", "Okrouhlička was first documented in 1307.\n", "\n", "Turkey to take additional security measures after bombing: PM Davutoglu \n", "\n", "China's Xi urges state media to boost global influence \n", "\n", "[picks up scalp massager]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: what’s this thing\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "store clerk: that’s a head scratcher\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: take your time\n", "\n", "Obama will not endorse a candidate in 2016 Democratic presidential race: White House \n", "\n", "My grandfather died recently, He spent his final years as a regular user of facebook..We won't see the likes of him again.\n", "\n", "Show her you care by secretly transferring a multivitamin into her mouth during French kissing.\n", "\n", "Thanksgiving: Another excuse for Americans to eat all day.\n", "\n", "My mate just said \"there's only one thing that a scares me about Halloween\". I asked \"which is?\". \"Exactly\" he replied.\n", "\n", "While bubbles composed mostly of water burst quickly , water containing amphiphiles forms much more stable bubbles , lending more time to the particular bubble to perform these crucial reactions.\n", "\n", "Drive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by it's maker.\n", "\n", "[zombie apocalypse]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead\n", "\n", "Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead.\n", "\n", "U.S. crude oil prices stabilize but market sentiment remains bearish \n", "\n", "By Doing Nothing We Learn To Do Ill\n", "\n", "put keanu reeves in animal crossing\n", "\n", "Saudi Arabia says 375 civilians killed on its border in Yemen war \n", "\n", "It was recorded at Little Mountain Sound , Vancouver , Canada.\n", "\n", "I'm amazed swearing isn't a part of Driver's Ed.\n", "\n", "I love the looks people give me when I garden with no hoes.. Oh I mean shoes\n", "\n", "Just the best \n", "\n", "kellen is on an actual rap song and it’s actually good and sounds professional\n", "\n", "What do you call a gay Jew? A Heblew.\n", "\n", "The Supreme Court labor case echoes a very different dispute: The battle over gay marriage. \n", "\n", "When I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof. I was shocked!\n", "\n", "A year later , the Second Polygar War was fought by Dheeran Chinnamalai , by winning three wars against British after the fall of tipusultan kingdom at last he and his two brothers was illeagelly hanged and Dheeran Chinnamalai was the last Tamil king died in the war against Britishers and was put down by the Company after a long and expensive campaign.\n", "\n", "To Run With The Hare And Hunt With The Hounds\n", "\n", "France's Safran braces for steepest ever jet engine output hike \n", "\n", "See Wikipedia 's robots.\n", "\n", "Obama calls for efforts to counter Islamic State moves into Libya \n", "\n", "Me when I'm put in charge of the music at predrinks\n", "\n", "But there is no doubt that Soest has been inhabited for a long time ; excavations in the last two decades have uncovered signs of habitation stretching back more than 4000 years.\n", "\n", "Rubio gets boost from Republican endorsements, Cruz missteps\n", "\n", "To find the clitoris in a woman first you need to find the clitoris in your soul.\n", "\n", "Iron and magnesium typically give the obsidian a dark green to brown to black color.\n", "\n", "See also : Verifiability.\n", "\n", "It is often classified as a sweet bread and is sometimes combined with cinnamon sugar.\n", "\n", "Mead is often referred to as `` honey wine . ''\n", "\n", "How North Korea developed a nuclear weapons program despite poverty and sanctions: \n", "\n", "At the end of the series a twist called was broadcast live on May 13 , 2004.\n", "\n", "U.S. admiral warns against Chinese fighter flights from South China Sea runways: \n", "\n", "As Big Oil shrinks, boards plot different paths out of crisis \n", "\n", "I just saw some guy chatting up a cheetah. He's trying to pull a fast one.\n", "\n", "Crocodile Dundee: That’s not a knife... THIS is a knife \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Alligator Dundee: What about this? *pulls out a knife that is almost identical and only nerds can tell the difference*\n", "\n", "Scariest part of Halloween? Giving away all your candy.\n", "\n", "Home: A mobile home with a flat tire.\n", "\n", "Evil isn't all bad.\n", "\n", "BBC Online is the brand name and home for the BBC 's UK online service.\n", "\n", "North Korea says peace treaty, halt to exercises, would end nuclear tests \n", "\n", "U.N. gathers Libya war crimes evidence, calls for ICC action \n", "\n", "I wonder what 'DON'T TOUCH' is in Braille?\n", "\n", "America is going to suffer if Donald Trump becomes president. You could say they are going toupée for it.\n", "\n", "Hearing on 'Serial' murder case wraps up in Baltimore \n", "\n", "Peru may bar presidential hopeful from April elections \n", "\n", "“alcohol is a depressant, maybe you shouldn’t drink if you’re depressed” but it makes me a different KIND of depressed. the change in pace is nice, ok? keepin’ it spicy. spicy depression.\n", "\n", "me: *responds maybe to a fb event*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY\n", "\n", "If My Aunt Had Been A Man, She'd Have Been My Uncle\n", "\n", "I’m no peta guy or whatnot but I do think it’s p fucked up that they make sweaters out of turtle necks\n", "\n", "What doesn't belong? Lobster, crab, tuna, or a Chinese man run over by a bus? Tuna. All others are crustaceans\n", "\n", "Whose idea was it to put an \"S\" in the word \"lisp\"?\n", "\n", "If I said: “Girls what’s my weakness?” and all my female friends/colleagues yelled it out in unison, I’d be emotionally devastated for weeks. We don’t give Salt-N/or-Pepa enough credit for their strength.\n", "\n", "her: what’re u thinkin’ about?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: the time encyclopedia brown knew a civil war sword was a fake because it was engraved “the first battle of bull run” and they wouldn’t have known there’d be a second battle of bull run \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: u can just say “nothing” sometimes\n", "\n", "I said to my wife:\"If you lick my balls I'll come\". She said; \"Fuck off, you're coming shopping with me whether you like it or not!\"\n", "\n", "It really grinds my gears, but not my weed, when my grinder is clogged.\n", "\n", "Al Qaeda leader bin Laden left $29 million inheritance for jihad \n", "\n", "there’s no i in self-esteem\n", "\n", "In England and Wales , this must be done within 42 days and a Stillbirth Certificate is issued to the parent.\n", "\n", "This area also produces much of the wine in South Africa.\n", "\n", "Three of his close disciples were kings , one an Asura and the other two both belonging to the warrior caste.\n", "\n", "Looking back on it, I think I've always struggled to make friends outside of the internet because a lot of people don't understand dry humor & tend to think I'm serious when I'm actually joking. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "COP: [loudly chewing a sandwich] you were allowed to leave three hours ago\n", "\n", "Discs one and two contain the full ` Piper ' album in the original mono mix , as well as the alternate stereo version.\n", "\n", "Henna tattoos and silver nitrate stains that appear when exposed to ultraviolet light can take up to two weeks to fade from the skin . Temporary airbrush tattoos are applied by covering the skin with a stencil and spraying the skin with ink.\n", "\n", "g g g g g\r", "\r", "\r\n", "g g g g g\r", "\r", "\r\n", "g g g g g\r", "\r", "\r\n", "g g g g g\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "^ tilt your head to the left for a tiny Arsenio Hall studio audience\n", "\n", "Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver? They always leave you hanging\n", "\n", "NERD: One whose IQ exceeds their weight.\n", "\n", "None of the class was named.\n", "\n", "everyone please share something that bothered u about a movie that isn’t talked about enough.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "i’ll go first.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "naming the ant in bugs life “Flick” is super insensitive to ants that have died from flicking. it’s like if they named bambi “Shotgun”\n", "\n", "Lot of bad dm slides out there but this one was really good u know like keep that energy king\n", "\n", " Nearly $1 million in FIFA funds missing in Guatemala - sources \n", "\n", "Altogether in Africa , two million speak Spanish.\n", "\n", "After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF!\n", "\n", "Whilst having sex I suddenly stopped and didn't move. Wife said 'What are you doing?\" I said I've seen this on PornHub it's called buffering.\n", "\n", "\"....I just think it's funny how...\"\n", "\n", "Dating bridge builders will lead to truss issues.\n", "\n", "My father died of exhaustion after winning the Tour de France,I told him not to do a lap of honour...\n", "\n", "Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.\n", "\n", "Hailstorms normally last 3 - 15 minutes.\n", "\n", "The Munich Oktoberfest , traditionally , takes place during the sixteen days up to and including the first Sunday in October.\n", "\n", "Watch the Oscar nomination announcements\n", "\n", "Fire on the Jersey shore during the snowstorm \n", "\n", "It is observed in all mammals , all birds , and many reptiles , amphibians , and fish.\n", "\n", "From this marriage several children were born , but only one son , Afonso Henriques survived.\n", "\n", "I just hit 180 going down the M6 and people told me car darts was a bad idea..\n", "\n", "If you die in an elevator, be sure to press the UP button.\n", "\n", "Dubai tourism allure undiminished by hotel fire: tourism chief \n", "\n", "Just broke into my neighbor’s house and turned off all the lights they weren’t using. #HappyFathersDay2019\n", "\n", "Sanders, Trump give union hope in fight for Carrier jobs \n", "\n", "[take your child to work day]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DAUGHTER: You're... a mortician?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *throwing torsos in the river* sure\n", "\n", "Alright chief ur tweet is going viral.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Time to plan ur next move.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "U just gonna leave it there?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Like a psychopath?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Of course not.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "U gotta turn this baby into a thread.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Better start with “wish i had a soundcloud lol” so people know u have been on The Internet before.\n", "\n", "Check this one out:1.\n", "\n", "[desert island]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: look!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: what?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: a boat!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: HEEEEEELP!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *writing* day 287, she's still afraid of boats\n", "\n", "Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you're bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it's known as Squid Pro Quo.\n", "\n", "Austerity-hit Greeks help refugees with food, toys, time \n", "\n", "The live album and DVD One Crimson Night was released in February 2003.\n", "\n", "For some reason I couldn't remember the word \"calendar,\" so I called it a \"time map.\"\n", "\n", "I just bought myself the most decadent tiramisu ice cream birthday cake. Before you send wishes, I should note that it isn't my birthday. I'm eating it for lunch.\n", "\n", "- What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle? Beef Strokenoff\n", "\n", "Get in loser. It’s a perfect night for star gazing, blasting the music, and perhaps starting a new life somewhere else.\n", "\n", "Basque militant separatist released from Spanish jail \n", "\n", "her: you can’t wear crocs they don’t look cool \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: hang on—\n", "\n", "*pronounces b-hole like frijole*\n", "\n", "Snape was very eager to leave his home to go to Hogwarts.\n", "\n", "Wife: Timmy’s hamster Mr Fuzzy died this morning and we have to replace him before he gets back from nursery\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[Later] \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *gestures at kid* Well?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: i meant the hamster\n", "\n", "Why did the Eskimos have to stop partying? Because they ran out of Natural Light\n", "\n", "James became the number one contender for the Women 's Title on December 12 by defeating Victoria in a match to determine who would face Stratus at New Year 's Revolution.\n", "\n", "China sends fighter jets to South China Sea island: U.S. sources \n", "\n", "NURSE: What's your blood type?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Oh, I'm not picky. I'll drink any kind.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "NURSE: What?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: What?\n", "\n", "I'm at a bar in downtown Boston and I'm not saying I feel old but everyone in here is a fucking embryo.\n", "\n", "The \"National Tell A Lie Day\" was just another day for every politician.\n", "\n", "[after leg amputation] \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "doctor: you may experience phantom limb syndrome, it's a very uncomfortable condition where - \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [not listening]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dundundundundun ʰᵉ'ˢ ᵃ ᵖʰᵃⁿᵗᵒᵐ\n", "\n", "Harry heard that most accidents happen within two miles of home. So he moved...\n", "\n", "why are there so many haters in my mentions rn\n", "\n", "All Are Good Lasses, But Whence Come The Bad Wives? \n", "\n", "Oil slump nears $30 a barrel mark on unabated output \n", "\n", "What do sea monsters like to eat? Fish and ships\n", "\n", "Could this be the year I get into bolo ties?\n", "\n", "I walked into a bar with my pet newt. The bartender asked 'What's that thing? Its tiny' 'I know, Its my newt'\n", "\n", "someone please invent a peanut butter jar with a cap on each side so i can just flip it over instead of reaching for the bottom. i don’t even care about the patent. don’t pay me. just make this a thing.\n", "\n", "ladies: wanna attract a man who loves taking pictures with fish? well look no further\n", "\n", "Why was the robot mad? Because people kept pushing its buttons.\n", "\n", "Trump draws full house at own event as he snubs Fox News debate \n", "\n", "No wonder newborn babies cry. They've got nothing to eat, no clothes and they already owe the government money.\n", "\n", "who made this\n", "\n", "I've just finished filling my tank with petrol.. Now all my goldfish are dead.\n", "\n", "Several distinct dog breeds are in common use as sled dogs , although any medium-sized breed may be used to pull a sled.\n", "\n", "James Mease published another recipe in 1812.\n", "\n", "I always go off topic in middle of the Mediterranean where I had a lovely time.\n", "\n", "Next , Prince Ivan sees thirteen princesses , with one of whom he falls in love.\n", "\n", "To some, marriage is just a word; to others, it's a sentence.\n", "\n", "It is the first book in the Guardians of Time Trilogy.\n", "\n", "Palestinians turn to makeshift guns in escalation of street violence \n", "\n", "Me: *pokes straw in a jelly donut and drinks it like a Capri Sun*\n", "\n", "doctor: [reading chart] was there any brain damage\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: la croix tastes like toilet wine made in a prison for furbies\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "doctor: [writing] yeah no he's fine\n", "\n", "Section of major east-west highway in Colorado closed due to rockslides\n", "\n", "NATO launches sea mission against people-smugglers \n", "\n", "The first to 50 wins.\n", "\n", "When the judge uttered the customary words `` May God have mercy on your soul '' , Kelly replied `` I will go a little further than that , and say I will see you there when I go ''.\n", "\n", "Nadal dumped from Rio semi-finals by Uruguayan battler \n", "\n", "Back at Casaya , Tina caught a sizeable fish while Ruth-Marie and Melinda targeted Cirie for being a weak link.\n", "\n", "What do you do with 365 used condoms? ll them up into a tire and call it a Goodyear\n", "\n", "Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours.So they decided to call it a day.\n", "\n", "Apple likely to invoke free-speech rights in encryption fight\n", "\n", "Bangladesh opposition chief issues rare rebuke of Islamist killing \n", "\n", "Syrian government to start peace talks on Friday: U.N. \n", "\n", "me *driving past the apocalypse*: Horses\n", "\n", "Why plaintiffs' lawyers are wary of taking on Flint water scandal: \n", "\n", "Osborne says that the pound's fall shows EU referendum is 'no parlour game': \n", "\n", "Oil prices tumble 3 percent to just over $30; traders bet on more falls \n", "\n", "Egypt: who's afraid of January 25? \n", "\n", "So my girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter. Well I've got some news for her.\n", "\n", "Stretch Your Arm No Further Than Your Sleeve Will Reach\n", "\n", "Former Italy PM Monti chides incumbent Renzi for criticising EU \n", "\n", "Obama seeks funds to fight Zika; sees no cause for panic \n", "\n", "apparently dogs evolved to communicate with their eyebrows like people. idk the specifics i ran out of free articles so i just know what the headline says\n", "\n", "I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.\n", "\n", "What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack.\n", "\n", "What do you give to a sick lemon? Lemon aid.\n", "\n", "The salmonella/romaine outbreak of 2018 was so scary that I haven’t eaten lettuce since 2006\n", "\n", "[me as a dj]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: any requests \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "them: i want to hold your hand\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [taking their hand in mine] omg what are we\n", "\n", "Keynes was the first born , and was followed by two more children - Geoffrey Keynes in 1887 and Margaret Neville Keynes in 1890.\n", "\n", "Due to the two different regions there are two different record charts.\n", "\n", "There's an element of darkness in BJ that I think crossed the line a tad too much. I think the blend in this one is better - and there are many *other* colors as well.. mostly due to all of us having lived life and grown up.\n", "\n", "Iraq health minister says missing radioactive material found: state TV \n", "\n", "However , many professional players prefer skin heads because they feel the heads produce a warmer , better quality timbre.\n", "\n", "Many Malaysian children attend Tamil schools , and a significant portion of Tamil children in Mauritius and Reunion are brought up with Tamil as their first language . In Singapore , Tamil students learn Tamil as their second language in school , with English as the first.\n", "\n", "My Mrs just asked me, \"When we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?\" I said \"Fuck off, it would take fucking ages to get there on a camel.\"\n", "\n", "Frederiksen played with the band on 1994 's Let 's Go.\n", "\n", "GOD: You have probably 70-80 years at most before you die, ideally.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MAN: oh. well, i'll make the most of-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "GOD: You'll be unconscious for 1/3 of the time. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "MAN: ..uh\r", "\r", "\r\n", "GOD: *leans in* That'll be your favorite part.\n", "\n", "Great Talkers Are Great Liars\n", "\n", "Turkish PM announces plan to bolster beleaguered tourism sector \n", "\n", "Okay now he's just pandering\n", "\n", "[first date]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: what do you like?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I LOVE ANIMALS!!!!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: why are you yelling \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, starting to cry: THEY’RE JUST SO INNOCENT AND PRECIOUS \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: *gets up to leave*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: JUSTICE FOR HARAMBE\n", "\n", "Bolivia referendum for fourth presidential term may be close call \n", "\n", "Keep the dream alive.. Hit the snooze button.\n", "\n", "Thousands march in Moscow to honor slain Kremlin critic Nemtsov \n", "\n", "It Is A Long Lane That Has No Turning\n", "\n", "Europe turns to Morocco in Paris attacks investigation \n", "\n", "4 Pictures\r", "\r", "\r\n", "1 Story\n", "\n", "I phoned in sick today. Boss: \"Exactly how sick are you?\" Me: \"Well, I'm in bed with my 12 year old niece.\"\n", "\n", "The next time you make a personal attack , you will be blocked for disruption.\n", "\n", "China's vice president says no plan to devalue yuan: Bloomberg \n", "\n", "After a capture with a pawn , a player may end up with two pawns on the same file , called doubled pawns.\n", "\n", "Hunger Breaks Stone Walls\n", "\n", "What is a common illness for Judge's to have? Motion sickness.\n", "\n", "Oil futures drop for third session on rising crude stocks, oversupply \n", "\n", " What are the world's least livable cities? \n", "\n", "My neighbour complained to me about my dog chasing people on a bike. My dog can't even ride a bike.\n", "\n", "He married Nancy Carlson in 1971 and has two children , Andrew and Eric.\n", "\n", "cop: u can't text and drive\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: but i was texting u\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: what *checks phone*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "text: look behind u\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: *turns and sees a billboard*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "billboard: MADE U LOOK. I'VE ALREADY SPED OFF BY NOW HAHAHA. ENJOY UR NEW TATTOO ;)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: *checks lower back*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "tattoo: i forgot to speed off :/\n", "\n", "Israel hopes for EU leverage with East Mediterranean push \n", "\n", "The name comes from the fact that many of the original Polly Pocket dolls came in pocket-size cases.\n", "\n", "By its end , two men simultaneously claimed to be the true pope.\n", "\n", "London mayor Boris Johnson urges UK cabinet to back Brexit, defying PM Cameron \n", "\n", "Need Makes The Old Wife Trot\n", "\n", "The first cemetery in Victoria was established at Point Gellibrand at this time.\n", "\n", "Yesterday I sent out a text saying, \"Hey I lost my phone, will you call it?\" 10 people called me. I need smarter friends.\n", "\n", "With this new alliance , Abyss soon feuded with Raven.\n", "\n", "What do you guys think of message boards? I'm all forum. \n", "\n", " Facebook, Amazon and Microsoft shares down more than 2.5 percent premarket\n", "\n", "Hundreds of migrants cut through Hungary's border fence over past days \n", "\n", "- What is better than 4 roses on a piano? Two lips on an organ\n", "\n", "Two late night c2c trains pass through the station each day on the way from Liverpool Street to Barking and vice versa.\n", "\n", "Osama bin Laden wrote a letter calling on the US to fight \"catastrophic\" climate change: \n", "\n", "At least 12 killed in eastern Congo by suspected Ugandan rebels \n", "\n", "Uploaded files will be stored as long as the user logs-in into his/her account at least once every 60 days or at least one of the files is downloaded every 30 days.\n", "\n", "I hate it when old people poke me at a wedding and say, \"you're next\". So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.\n", "\n", "me at 21: isn’t the world magical\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me at 31: shut up birds\n", "\n", "Opinions are like assholes: I want a taste of Ruth Bader Ginsburg's\n", "\n", "Auschwitz guard, 94, goes on trial in Germany: \n", "\n", "I ate the CRAZIEST snack at the pub last night. It was nuts.\n", "\n", "How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan\n", "\n", "He Works Best Who Knows His Trade\n", "\n", "Syrian army, allies seize town in southern province Deraa: Al Manar, monitor \n", "\n", "Prosecutors to open case against N.Y. police officer who shot black man: \n", "\n", "Man City's Pep talk may come back to haunt them \n", "\n", "Wisconsin blocks federal funds from reaching Planned Parenthood \n", "\n", "Wanda goes to Hollywood: China tycoon's firm buys film studio Legendary for $3.5 billion \n", "\n", "Home prices up in November at fastest rate since July 2014 \n", "\n", "Brazil police accuse seven of murder over Samarco dam burst \n", "\n", "I forgot the words for ceiling fan and called it a room propeller\n", "\n", "My favorite hairstyle is existential dread locks.\n", "\n", "The head is also striped with yellow and black.\n", "\n", "her: I can’t do this anymore! when is this going to be over?!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: you don’t have to be so pushy\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "obstetrician: actually she does\n", "\n", "Is it better to cheat, or repeat? #school\n", "\n", "One round down and more to come. So, how does the FIFAelection work? Here's a guide: \n", "\n", "The nearby town of Feather Falls , California takes its name from the falls.\n", "\n", "I would never go up to a van that says 'Free Candy' or 'Free puppies' painted on the side, they have to have both\n", "\n", "Saudi Arabia says it's ready to take part in any U.S.-led ground operations in Syria: \n", "\n", "Blueberries grow in April and May.\n", "\n", "Slovakia's ruling leftists set to win election, lose majority: poll: \n", "\n", "Greeks strike against leftist government's pension plans \n", "\n", "German shorthaired pointer named CJ wins Westminster dog show: \n", "\n", "How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Wanna go see a movie?\n", "\n", "As I sat watching my dad draw his final breath I realised..We make a crap pictionary team.\n", "\n", "You're a Philosophy major you say? Impressive, and yes, please make my order a combo.\n", "\n", "It's the 'now or never' talks: EU starts summit to clinch deal for UK. \n", "\n", "North Korea nuclear test did not increase technical capability: U.S. \n", "\n", "I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles. My next dump could spell disaster\n", "\n", "Winslet leads early Golden Globes winners as Gervais shocks \n", "\n", "Tor Books is one of two imprints of Tom Doherty Associates , LLC , based in New York City.\n", "\n", "France's Fabius leaves office, wider reshuffle due: \n", "\n", "A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, \"why the long face?\" The horse, unable to understand English, shits on the floor and leaves.\n", "\n", "I've just been assaulted by a troupe of mime artists. They performed unspeakable acts on me!\n", "\n", "The first one was observed in 1989 by NASA 's Voyager 2 probe.\n", "\n", "My girlfriend left me because of my fetish for touching pasta. Now shes gone im feeling cannelloni right now!!\n", "\n", "An individual may serve two terms.\n", "\n", "Misery loves company\n", "\n", "People make a resolution to lose weight. I make a resolution to not take photos of myself. Problem solved.\n", "\n", "Burn Not Your House To Rid It Of The Mouse\n", "\n", "It was set to air in early 1978 on a proposed Paramount Television Service.\n", "\n", "I would take a bullet for anybody, unless it was shot out of a gun.\n", "\n", "Père David 's Deer has a long tail , wide hooves , and branched antlers.\n", "\n", "i flirt with everyone. it’s called survival of the flirtest and i do it so nobody kills me. “you look great today marsha the cashier pls don’t stab me ok thx.” and it works every time\n", "\n", "Two men disguised as government officials followed her and the crew and asked for money - at one point even showing a handgun.\n", "\n", "Suicide bombing northeast of Baghdad kills 14 people: sources \n", "\n", "Exact numbers are difficult to estimate , but approximately one in a thousand sports main parachute openings malfunction , and must be cut away , although some skydivers have many hundreds of jumps and never cut away.\n", "\n", "I got this really cute girl's number today.\r\n", "I'm starting to think that I should cause car accidents more often.\n", "\n", "Oh my God, this is a secondhand merkin!\n", "\n", "I went to a seafood disco last night. Pulled a mussel.\n", "\n", "What does a redneck and yeast have in common? They are both in-bread. \n", "\n", "I ate a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.\n", "\n", "Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?\n", "\n", "A Small Leak Will Sink A Great Ship\n", "\n", "They extend from the side of the mouth well back onto the shoulders.\n", "\n", "Morocco, citing Arab disunity, says won't host summit \n", "\n", "“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.”\n", "\n", "anyone need help opening a pickle jar?\n", "\n", "What do you call an Asian receptionist? Tai Ping\n", "\n", "don’t judge me until you’ve mall-walked a mile in my shoes alongside a group of heart healthy seniors we meet outside kitchen caboodle at 6:15am wednesdays and fridays\n", "\n", "How does a Lead Guitar player change a light bulb? He doesn't, he just steals someone else's light!\n", "\n", "Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One turns and says to the other, \"I can't believe I just blew 30 bucks in there.\n", "\n", "2016: phew, that was bad\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "2017: dang. That was rough too.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "2018: oh, this is just my life now\n", "\n", "I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: 'Enter Juliet from the rear'\n", "\n", "[Trivia Game]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Answer: Sushi and the Banshees\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Question: Name of the band whose songs are about taking small children to restaurants\n", "\n", "What does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her? Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more..\n", "\n", "This template does nothing.\n", "\n", "my cat just fell asleep, rolled off the desk, and fell in the trashcan and i've never felt closer to anything than i do to my cat right now\n", "\n", "`` Long '' is used to name Chinese dinosaurs in much the same way that the Latin - saur is in the West.\n", "\n", "kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it\n", "\n", "Ethiopia seeks donor support to meet drought needs \n", "\n", "There's a gas pump icon on my car's dash that notifies me whenever my bank account is almost empty.\n", "\n", "After the first few minutes of every episode of the X-Files, when the monster or spooky thing that the episode is about gets revealed, I turn to my wife and say “that’s...weird.” She loves it\n", "\n", "When my employer asked if I had a criminal record I guess \"highest number of robberies in an hour\" wasn't the answer he was looking for.\n", "\n", "Time flexibility makes $30k feel like a million bucks.\n", "\n", "By Hook Or By Crook\n", "\n", "Osteichthyes , also called bony fish , are a taxonomic group of fish that includes the ray-finned fish and lobe-finned fish.\n", "\n", "Ill-Gotten, Ill-Spent\n", "\n", "I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, \"Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.\"\n", "\n", "Selenium also exists in many non-conductive forms : a black glass-like allotrope , as well as several red crystalline forms built of eight-membered ring molecules , like its lighter cousin sulfur.\n", "\n", "She was 36 years old.\n", "\n", "I am extremely brave until seaweed brushes my foot in the ocean in which case I am someone who can levitate above the water using the power of terror alone.\n", "\n", "When 2020 rolls around catch me calling all my best friends “old sport”. My inner Jay Gatsby is about to pop off. Might fuck around and throw parties for an unrequited love. Might die in a pool. Who knows. It’s the 20s, bby.\n", "\n", "Not bragging but guess who got a record deal today?..3 cds for £1.. Bargain!\n", "\n", "Hostage negotiator: let one hostage go as a show of good faith\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, one of the hostages: [raising hand] ooh, pick me!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bank robber: I'll let one go if you send in ten pizzas\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: [quickly lowers hand]\n", "\n", "What gifts do squirrels exchange on Valentine's Day? Forget-me-nuts.\n", "\n", "I've just been outside helping a guy in a black robe with a scythe clear the frost off his car. I was de-icing with death.\n", "\n", "Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20\n", "\n", "Just remember: You can swim around and bite people too, you don't have to rely on sharks for that.\n", "\n", "In a two out of three falls match , a wrestler must gain two decisions to win instead of only one.\n", "\n", "My friend was just buried in a cemetery. It's okay, he was dying to get in.\n", "\n", "We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.\n", "\n", "Google is shuttering Google Compare\n", "\n", "Kremlin critic Navalny files lawsuit citing Reuters investigation against Putin: \n", "\n", "Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.\n", "\n", "To Know What's What\n", "\n", "The 1982 Formula One season was the 33rd FIA Formula One World Championship season.\n", "\n", "Estonia jails three men over spying for Russian security services \n", "\n", "You know what is a \"diet\" is, don't you? It's \"die\" with a \"t,\" that's what it is! -\n", "\n", "Formula One set for qualifying change \n", "\n", "Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.\n", "\n", "Sorry. Had to.\n", "\n", "Both Keymer and Clayton 's records go back as far as The Domesday Book.\n", "\n", "I think my local dry cleaners can repair my trousers, or at least sew it's seams.\n", "\n", "God: you repeat things\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Parrot: repeat things?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: yes\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Parrot: yes?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: very good\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Parrot: very good?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: now you got it\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Parrot: I got what?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: ok you lost it\n", "\n", "`` Trouble Hearted Blues '' and `` Left Alone Blues '' are his best known songs.\n", "\n", "Favorite things to do after work\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "1. Go the the gym\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "2. Watch Jeopardy alone in silence except for saying “I knew that” after every correct answer\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "3. Lying about going to the gym\n", "\n", "Fed's 'dot plot' looks increasingly out of touch on rates \n", "\n", "my therapist: so how'd you sleep last night\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: with my eyes closed\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my therapist: [texting her therapist] \"I'm so angry I'm shaking again\"\n", "\n", "[buying a new car]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CAR SALESMAN: this one comes fully loaded. It even has tinted windows. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME:*nods* so they can’t see you crying\n", "\n", "To Measure Other People's Corn By One's Own Bushel\n", "\n", "Guns N' Roses, LCD Soundsystem, Cavin Harris to headline 2016 Coachella festival \n", "\n", "Knock, knock. Who's there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub, I'm dwowning.\n", "\n", "I've just got back from a friend's funeral. He died after he was hit in the head by a tennis ball. It really was a wonderful service.\n", "\n", "He That Goes Barefoot Must Not Plant Thorns\n", "\n", "Facing the Victoria Cougars , the Canadiens lost the series three games to one.\n", "\n", "UK financial watchdog criticised by lawmakers, but avoids 'no confidence' censure \n", "\n", "I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.\n", "\n", "i want to be the person i was before i found out who the gossip girl was.. so young and innocent, still believed in the magic of believable story arcs, tragic...\n", "\n", "[night of the purge]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [loading the dishwasher]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "man: *peeking out from safe room* uhhh, what are you doing\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: please just let me have this *putting on an apron* it's the only time i can feel like a homeowner\n", "\n", "Why are Hurricanes named after women? Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go they take your house and your car.\n", "\n", "Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.\n", "\n", "Economic circumstances also affect life expectancy.\n", "\n", "El-Erian says countries weakening currencies in fight for global growth \n", "\n", "A British prisoner has squeezed 4 smuggled mobile phones out of his arse. All chargers have been dropped.\n", "\n", "My local theatre is showing a play called 'The Dictionary'. It's a play on words.\n", "\n", "Grammar is the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.\n", "\n", "The Assembly Council normally includes the president , two vice presidents and two elected members.\n", "\n", "They've sent B-52s to the area in an obvious attempt to de-escalate the situation with fun music and dancing.\n", "\n", "And there’s still a gender pay gap.\n", "\n", "Vishnevskaya was born in Leningrad.\n", "\n", "Y'all ever get too depressed to even play video games? Like I can't believe I have to put effort into my own entertainment.\n", "\n", "the theme for next year's Met Gala is 'Slutty Depression'\n", "\n", "Ami and Julie soon followed despite their last minute attempts to swing Chris.\n", "\n", "For example , if the black pawn has just advanced two squares from g7 to g5 , then the white pawn on f5 can take it via en passant on g6.\n", "\n", "I think Emos just like the way their hair smells.\n", "\n", "[bankruptcy court]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor\n", "\n", "My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing. Apparently, \"Heating your dinner\" wasn't a good answer.\n", "\n", "U.S. may deploy more strategic assets to Korean peninsula: South Korea \n", "\n", "ME [as a kid]: i won't be a grumpy old man \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*\n", "\n", "Japan's military is on alert over North Korea's planned rocket launch. More: \n", "\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " uck\n", "\n", "What was more useful than the invention of the first telephone? The second telephone.\n", "\n", "A cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says \"Audi\".\n", "\n", "Doctors call for ban on tackling in British schools: \n", "\n", "Lebanon seeks to fix ties with Saudi Arabia \n", "\n", "VW diesel suits hearing may give clues on settlement progress \n", "\n", "I’m sorry.\n", "\n", "They were married on September 3 , 2000 , and live in New York City.\n", "\n", "I never half arse things. I always make sure that no matter what I do, I'm a complete arse.\n", "\n", "I've been seeing someone behind my girlfriend's back..I think she's got a stalker.\n", "\n", "Man sets himself on fire outside London palace of Prince William \n", "\n", "When greeting a fellow man, grasp his hand firmly and confidently. Pat him exactly three times on the shoulder while flashing your teeth, then go in for a robust embrace, squeezing with all your might, tightening your grip with each breath he exhales. First one to pass out loses.\n", "\n", "Why can't someone look at me the way i look at French fries..\n", "\n", "I have baby fever too except its the one where i wake up in cold sweat and crippling nausea at the prospect of having a kid\n", "\n", "Laugh at yourself. You'll never cease to be amused.\n", "\n", "Poland is to permanently host 1,000 British troops from 2017: \n", "\n", "Gothard is the third of six children born to William and Carmen Gothard.\n", "\n", "Saying “The package is huge” wouldn’t be embarrassing except for the fact that I was staring at the Fed Ex guy’s crotch.\n", "\n", "It Is A Silly Fish, That Is Caught Twice With The Same Bait\n", "\n", "Me: *pokes straw in a jelly donut and drinks it like a Capri Sun*\n", "\n", "[press conference]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"Do you believe that perhaps it was a mistake to cross the road?\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*chicken leans into mic*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"BOK\"\n", "\n", "Oil price plunge throws share markets and heavily commodity-dependent currencies a beating: \n", "\n", "PM Cameron's spokeswoman says EU draft text, if agreed, would be legally binding and irreversible. More: \n", "\n", "ME: It's time for you to start acting like a man.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SON: Okay *starts overfishing the oceans*\n", "\n", "My family think I spend too much time doing dot-to-dot puzzles. But it's okay, I know where to draw the line.\n", "\n", "Minnie Mouse is an animated character created by The Walt Disney Company.\n", "\n", "Fed raised rates even as inflation debate continued: minutes \n", "\n", "Mithaecus 's cookbook was an early one , but most of it has been lost ; Athenaeus quotes one short recipe in his Deipnosophistae.\n", "\n", "China has a population of a billion people. That means if you’re a one in a million, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.\n", "\n", "Whosbeckystan\n", "\n", "The Cape appeared on early sixteenth century maps as Cape Raso and its name may derive from a cape of the same name at the mouth of the Tagus River in Portugal.\n", "\n", "If ribs visible, you were candidate for crematorium, Auschwitz survivor tells Nazi trial \n", "\n", "Flock dynamics in sheep are , as a rule , only exhibited in a group of four or more sheep . Fewer sheep may not react as normally expected when alone or with few other sheep.\n", "\n", "What is a pirate's favourite letter of the alphabet? None. Historians have suggested that most pirates would have been illiterate.\n", "\n", "Better A Lean Peace Than A Fat Victory\n", "\n", "Supreme Court blocks Obama carbon emissions plan \n", "\n", "Whats red and bad for your teeth? A brick.\n", "\n", "Took the wife's Valentines present back today. She said she wanted something black and lacy. Turns out she didn't mean football boots.\n", "\n", "Copper explains that he is a hunting dog now and things are different between them.\n", "\n", "[#GoodOmens] we’re having some communication issues, we’ll be back shortly #ineffablehusbands\n", "\n", "GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: it's strange, weird, and it doesn't look good—your lyrics couldn't be more clear about this\n", "\n", "There has been little practical interest in constructing one beyond the initial prototype , however.\n", "\n", "Murder law applied wrongly for 30 years: \n", "\n", "Another man lobbied to have the town named `` Oberly '' after himself.\n", "\n", "Why are gay men always first to check-out of a hotel? They had their shit packed the night before.\n", "\n", "What is the difference between a tribe of sly aborigines and a female track team? The first is a pack of cunning runts.\n", "\n", "Knock knock...Who's there? The doorbell repair man.\n", "\n", "What's got 8 eyes and 8 legs? 8 pirates.\n", "\n", "Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Alexa: I'm afraid I can't due to all the updog.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.\n", "\n", "Trump has already said himself that he sexually assaults women, so unless he's willing to specify which women he was referring to in that Access Hollywood tape, I don't know why anyone would believe his denials when a woman publicly accuses him.\n", "\n", "'Running out of time', EU puts Greece, Schengen on notice \n", "\n", "ApproverypriateSorry - that was very in appropriate.\n", "\n", "Your head is so big, your ears are in different time zones.\n", "\n", "Rwandan police arrest suspects believed tied to the Islamic State \n", "\n", "The work is composed of 114 sayings.\n", "\n", "He was the first to give a biological definition of the term species.\n", "\n", "Boss: \"How good are you at PowerPoint?\" Me: \"I Excel at it.\" Boss: \"Was that Microsoft Office pun?\" Me: \"Word.\"\n", "\n", "New bin Laden documents show a suspicious, pressured al Qaeda: \n", "\n", "Bank of Japan's Kuroda blames 'excessive' risk aversion for market tumult \n", "\n", "White House: disputes over South China Sea must not involve 'bullying' \n", "\n", "Countershading is exhibited by birds of prey which hunt birds and other fast-moving animals.\n", "\n", "Valentines day is cancelled. Want proof? 14-02-12=0\n", "\n", "Saudis and Russia agree oil output freeze, but Iran still an obstacle: \n", "\n", "Some guy just came to the door saying he was collecting for the local childrens home, so I gave him my kids.\n", "\n", "Vince tackled Shane over the announce table and the two began pummeling one another.\n", "\n", "Today the Uffizi is one of the most popular tourist attractions of Florence.\n", "\n", "I have ten arms, eight legs and 22 feet. what am I? A liar.\n", "\n", "Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”\n", "\n", "Iraq's Abadi keeps Iran at arm's length in war on Islamic State \n", "\n", "It has been said that we only use 15% of our brain. I wonder what we do with the other 75%?\n", "\n", "I'd rather have a dry sense of humor than slobber everywhere .\n", "\n", "I'll never forget my granddad's last words..He said 'That bus is going quite fast'.\n", "\n", "Philippine Muslim rebels say concerned at rising radicalism \n", "\n", "U.N. asks Congo to investigate new Central Africa abuse allegations \n", "\n", "U.S. warship sails near island claimed by China in South China Sea \n", "\n", "HSBC says sterling could fall up to 20 percent, UK GDP growth fall up to 1.5 percentage points if Britain leaves EU \n", "\n", "I was so poor when I grew up, I bought Popsicle sticks and just pretended like I was having a special treat.\n", "\n", "Former U.N. secretary general Boutros Boutros-Ghali dead: Venezuelan U.N. ambassador \n", "\n", "Carol was the first Atlantic hurricane name in history to be retired.\n", "\n", "Leaky lifeboat: Weak U.S. corporate profits offer no rescue to sinking stocks \n", "\n", "A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.\n", "\n", "This is a template for extracting the full name of the topic from a keyword.\n", "\n", "Cameron says to assert British parliament is sovereign over EU laws: Brexit \n", "\n", "Morena Baccarin auditioned for the role and two days later was on the set in her first television show.\n", "\n", "Well , if you 're watching , don't worry , there isn't ''.\n", "\n", "She was born in Niigata , Japan.\n", "\n", "Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? Because he might get a hole in one. \n", "\n", "Dentists are going on strike: brace yourselves.\n", "\n", "Did you hear, there's no more ice in Poland? The old lady with the recipe died\n", "\n", "NASA astronaut Scott Kelly shares his view from the top of the world: \n", "\n", "They have no true head , although the anterior end is often slightly wider than the body.\n", "\n", "If oxygen can enter , the wood might catch fire , and the production would be ruined.\n", "\n", "patent clerk: NEXT\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: here you go \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "patent clerk: *reading papers* you can’t patent patentin-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *steps behind counter* NEXT\n", "\n", "South Pier is one of three piers in Blackpool , England.\n", "\n", "Libya's NOC warns of more Islamic State attacks on oil facilities \n", "\n", "[6:34]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: nice, I'm not even hungry for dinner yet\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[6:36]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I WILL EAT YOUR FAMILY\n", "\n", "How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None of your damn business!\n", "\n", "This was the first time that the name Gamma had been used for a tropical cyclone.\n", "\n", "ok we promise not to make any more\n", "\n", "Women are like hurricanes. First they blow you and then you lose your house.\n", "\n", "Me: Your honor I'd like to represent myself\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Judge: Sure whatever\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *wearing mustache* My client is guilty\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *removing mustache* Wait what\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Judge: *munching popcorn* Oh damn\n", "\n", "Never take life to seriously... your not getting out of it alive\n", "\n", "Who is the smallest man mentioned in the New Testament? Peter. (He slept on his watch)\n", "\n", "[ant colony]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "husband: I am beat\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY\n", "\n", "I thought that pulling the shell off my racing snail would help it move faster. If anything it became more sluggish.\n", "\n", "Cuba grants seven dissidents permit to travel ahead of Obama visit \n", "\n", "Today I accidentally sent a naked pic of myself to my entire address book. Cost me a fortune in stamps.\n", "\n", "Germany's Merkel says refugees must return home once war over \n", "\n", "A Bad Corn Promise Is Better Than A Good Lawsuit\n", "\n", "I hate cliches because \"They're a dime a dozen\".\n", "\n", "Dances and music to celebrate Radames ' victory take place.\n", "\n", "It's crab season. Choose your fighter.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the south? Nothing. Someone's losing a trailer either way.\n", "\n", "Dorus is generally acknowledged as one of the greatest rescuers of all time.\n", "\n", "Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.\n", "\n", "Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?\n", "\n", "If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?\n", "\n", "Serbia says wants to preserve good relations with Russia: PM \n", "\n", "Me: What's wrong?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wifi: You're obsessed with the internet\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Give me one example\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wifi: Look how you've spelled wife\n", "\n", "ME: I lost my dad last year\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DATE: I'm so sorry\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: No worries, he was just in the garage\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DATE: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Well technically his corpse was in the garage\n", "\n", "North Korea satellite not transmitting, but rocket payload a concern: U.S. \n", "\n", "Fish farming offers an alternative solution to the increasing market demand for fish and fish protein.\n", "\n", " Pentagon's budget plan funds 404 Lockheed F-35 jets - sources \n", "\n", "I downloaded an app that lets you animate photos and well\n", "\n", "A vulture gets on a plane carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant says, \"Sorry sir, only one carrion item per passenger.\"\n", "\n", "LOL has gone from laugh out loud to there's nothing left to say.\n", "\n", "This was the first video Bad Religion ever released.\n", "\n", "I call my signature sex move the \"Do Not Resuscitate\".\n", "\n", "The nice thing about Monday morning *cries in shower* is the sinking reality that your dreams are still out of reach *puts on suit* please god make it stop *grabs car keys* when will it end *merges into traffic* I hated childhood and somehow still miss it\n", "\n", "Was trying to snuggle my boyfriend and got a “these memes are not going to look at themselves” response\n", "\n", "I hope college is gonna be as easy as half the girls that go there.\n", "\n", "Haiti's mood grim as president leaves with no replacement, Carnival delayed \n", "\n", "Somalia plane bomber was meant to be on Turkish flight: airline executive \n", "\n", "Resentment simmers as Greece launches debate on pension reforms \n", "\n", "Clinton goes on offense against Sanders at Democratic Debate: \n", "\n", "Malala seeks to raise $1.4 billion to educate Syrian refugees \n", "\n", "[godfather voice] you come to me... on the day of my daughter's gay rat wedding\n", "\n", "In The End Things Will Mend\n", "\n", "The antennae are rather long , with the last segment nearly as long as , or sometimes significantly longer than , the first segment ; the antennae are nearly as long as the fly 's face.\n", "\n", "Manchester later formed its own Poor Law Union by the name of Manchester.\n", "\n", "Slow And Steady Wins The Race\n", "\n", "Did Snoop Dogg really change his name, or is Snoop Lion?\n", "\n", "Sterling falls after Boris goes for Brexit:\n", "\n", "Austria says will have to restrict migrant entries further \n", "\n", "Is your name ariel, because I think we mermaid for each other.\n", "\n", "Vexed, the Creator sits on the floor of the Universe, Earth's blueprint spread across it, & contemplates the 3 left over screws in his palm.\n", "\n", "'We are not natural-born enemies of Iran,' Saudi U.N. envoy says \n", "\n", "Warner also set a Super Bowl record by attempting 45 passes without a single interception.\n", "\n", "Obama says he will nominate Justice Scalia's successor in due time: \n", "\n", "Small Rain Lays Great Dust\n", "\n", "The last two cores introduced specific artwork that defined them.\n", "\n", "Australian PM leaves door open to sending refugees to New Zealand \n", "\n", "[sun rising]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ROOSTER: *clearing throat* AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH\n", "\n", "Republican presidential candidate Cruz proposes military boost \n", "\n", "The true null hypothesis is.\n", "\n", "Iran oil headed for India, Europe, with sanctions lifting: \n", "\n", "just googled titties and i don’t regret it\n", "\n", "Obama, wiping tears, makes new push to tighten gun rules \n", "\n", "What do you get when you combine a comedian and a whorehouse? A BROFL.\n", "\n", "Additionally , a station in Fredericton , New Brunswick reported 1.77 inches in two hours.\n", "\n", "CHARLIE: [gets golden ticket] Grandpa I want you to come to the factory with me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "GRANDPA: Thank you Charlie!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[they embrace]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "OTHER GRANDPA: *getting out of bed* Cool, guess I’ll go fuck myself\n", "\n", "I'm sorry you'll have to speak up, I hate you.\n", "\n", "Whately also addressed Austen 's position as a female writer , writing : `` we suspect one of Miss Austin 's great merits in our eyes to be , the insight she gives us into the peculiarities of female heroines are what one knows women must be , though one never can get them to acknowledge it . ''\n", "\n", "You never truly understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.\n", "\n", "Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on the windshield. It said, \"Parking fine\", so that was nice.\n", "\n", "Much Will Have More\n", "\n", "A Good Beginning Makes A Good Ending\n", "\n", "me: I have simple, small dreams. to have a dog and a garden. to have my books and time to read them. perhaps the occasional vacation. maybe even healthcare. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "the economy:\n", "\n", "The name is western Greenlandic and means '' white ''.\n", "\n", "Hot dog in one hand, beer in the other, I stand before the door handle marked \"pull\" until the sun obliterates the world.\n", "\n", "\"Irish Sniper\" By Rick 'O' Shea\n", "\n", "As one wrestler lost , another one entered.\n", "\n", "South African racial tensions thwart opposition challenge to ANC \n", "\n", "London local government looks to NW England to create $64 billion pension asset pool \n", "\n", "War determines who is left, not who is right.\n", "\n", "There was an earthquake near the Galaxy chocolate factory this morning..It sent ripples through the whole building.\n", "\n", "Butterflies on the other hand possess fine scales.\n", "\n", "One of his famous students was the Scottish born landscape painter William Hart.\n", "\n", "Rescued Swedish girl says life under Islamic State 'really hard': \n", "\n", "Sawing was slow , and required strong and hearty men.\n", "\n", "Neither Fish Nor Flesh\n", "\n", "WARNING: If you do it right the first time, they'll ask you to do it again.\n", "\n", "Skyscrapers in New York , United States.\n", "\n", " Body of country singer Craig Strickland discovered by Oklahoma officials.\n", "\n", "Sylvia is remarkable for being the first asteroid known to possess more than one moon.\n", "\n", "Adults may experience discomfort or burning.\n", "\n", "When I fly on a jet, my ears pop a lot; it's an earry feeling.\n", "\n", "[first day as a doctor]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: do you run a shitty instrument store\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "patient: excuse me?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [puts hand on their shoulder] because your organs are fucking garbage\n", "\n", "My telescope broke the other day and I was hoping the local observatory could repair it. They said they'd look into it.\n", "\n", "Why celebrating #Juneteenth is more important now than ever\n", "\n", "Indonesia demolishes capital's largest red-light district \n", "\n", "*bonks head on edge of infinity pool*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I've been bamboozled yet again\n", "\n", "Namur is a province of Wallonia , one of the three regions of Belgium.\n", "\n", "Puerto Rico Governor says preparing for legal action from creditors: CNBC \n", "\n", "Yogurt maker Chobani rejects PepsiCo's offer for stake in company \n", "\n", "Network computing refers to computers working together over a network as opposed to stand alone computers like laptops and home computers.\n", "\n", "Erdogan says Syrian suicide bomber thought to be responsible for Istanbul attack: \n", "\n", "Chapman was a guest actress on two episodes of Magnum , P.I. - `` The Black Orchid '' from Season one and `` The Woman on the Beach '' from Season two.\n", "\n", "Austria falls out with mighty neighbor Germany in refugee crisis \n", "\n", "How do you make a squirrel cry? Grab it's nuts.\n", "\n", "UK mortgage approvals hit two-year high in January: \n", "\n", "Raccoons exchange goods and services for raccoins, which are also redeemable at Chuck E. Cheese. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I will be taking questions at this time.\n", "\n", "Suicide bomber kills nine people in eastern Afghanistan: officials \n", "\n", "No thanks, I’ll stay right hur.\n", "\n", "Gifts From Enemies Are Dangerous\n", "\n", "While walking along the beach rocks , Aras slipped and sliced open his hand and back , requiring a total of eight stitches.\n", "\n", "Keep the planet clean, it's not uranus. \n", "\n", "Swedish lawyers ask court to overturn Julian Assange's arrest warrant\n", "\n", "I've spent the last 3 years looking for my ex-wife's killer. Still can't find anyone to do it.\n", "\n", "UPDATE: UK Interior Minister says Interpol notices, European arrest warrants in place for two main suspects of Litvinenko murder\n", "\n", "Brussels urges more migration within EU as Britain resists \n", "\n", "What do you call a dodgy neighbourhood in Italy? A Spaghetto.\n", "\n", "U.S. to test-fire ICBM amid strategic tensions with Russia, North Korea \n", "\n", "The first `` true '' seeds are described from the upper Devonian , which is probably the theater of their true first evolutionary radiation.\n", "\n", "John Caesar , nicknamed `` Black Caesar '' , was the first Australian bushranger and one of the first black people to arrive during British colonisation of the continent as a penal colony.\n", "\n", "I really need to stop talking to my cat. Right meow.\n", "\n", "Their credits include the three Austin Powers films , Boiler Room , Prime , Must Love Dogs , and Memento for which she won an Independent Spirit Award for best film.\n", "\n", "there are three types of people in this world: Those who can count, and those who cant.\n", "\n", "Women eat apart and only after the men have finished.\n", "\n", "Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.\n", "\n", "However , on election day things had changed.\n", "\n", "Sri Lanka could accept international actors in war crimes probe \n", "\n", "A paper cut is a tree's last revenge.\n", "\n", "Most of them also use Eastern European Summer Time as a summer daylight saving time.\n", "\n", "7 year old me after taking my gummy bear multivitamin\n", "\n", "Bad decisions=good stories.\n", "\n", "Martin Shkreli is being sued over his $2 million Wu-Tang Clan album: \n", "\n", "a sign hangs above an establishment. it reads Good Vibes Only.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"you guys go ahead\", i say to no one in particular\n", "\n", "I fucking love toast, what absolute genius took a bite of bread and was like \"cook it again\", unreal\n", "\n", "Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?\n", "\n", "The book received many positive reviews.\n", "\n", "Why does Kim Jong Un love books. Because he's the glorious Reader\n", "\n", "In appearance crane flies seem long and gangly , with very long legs , and a long slender abdomen.\n", "\n", "Why is the hipster sweating? Because he wore a scarf before it was cool.\n", "\n", "Forget the glut, oil enters irrational territory: \n", "\n", "See and for more information.\n", "\n", "My younger brother was named after my fatherA bit confusing when your brother is named 'Dad' though.\n", "\n", "Another change was the improvement of the sound system in the stadium.\n", "\n", "Dogs That Put Up Many Hares Kill None\n", "\n", "Me and my mates were at an Indian restaurant and some guys started throwing rice at us. So we threw rice back at them. We had a pilau fight.\n", "\n", "Prominent Saudi cleric injured in Philippines shooting \n", "\n", "William Harris Crawford was an American politician and judge during the early 19th century.\n", "\n", "Mammals and birds were well-established.\n", "\n", "me: *pounding on son's locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "son: no it isn't, you have a mortgage so it's the bank's house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn't have gotten him those personal finance books\n", "\n", "Games that run on Mac OS X.\n", "\n", "Like white tigers , strawberry tigers are invariably at least part Bengal.\n", "\n", "Top Twitter executives to leave company, CEO Dorsey tweets \n", "\n", "Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you. You have my word\n", "\n", "Okay but drinking soothes my anxiety and I literally need to drive to get around? But yeah officer, let’s arrest me for not being neurotypical\n", "\n", "Fighting between Syrian army, Islamic State kills scores: monitoring group \n", "\n", "Electoral deadlock a danger to Ireland's 'Brexit' response \n", "\n", "Jinnah would receive personal care and support as he became more ill during this time from his sister Fatima Jinnah.\n", "\n", "Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.\n", "\n", "Really cheesed off. Every morning a huge German Shepherd shits on my front lawn. Today, to make matters worse, he brought his dog.\n", "\n", "Same:\n", "\n", "This is produced by plucking the required string to sound an open note.\n", "\n", "I'm not saying I'm lazy, I'm just saying I do all of my gardening in the produce section of the grocery store.\n", "\n", "A 2002 worldwide poll by Sight & Sound ranked Keaton 's The General as the 15th best film of all time.\n", "\n", "He put a cinder block and rope in the truck , put Austin in it , and drove away on the truck.\n", "\n", "At the time of his death , his estate was worth an estimated $ 356,320.\n", "\n", "Lulu goes out and returns with another client , the Negro.\n", "\n", "I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.\n", "\n", "I hate being manic depressive. It's great!\n", "\n", "Kosovo lawmakers release tear gas, disrupt presidential vote \n", "\n", "What's the difference between a fridge and a vagina? The fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.\n", "\n", "Every Jack Has His Jill\n", "\n", "Yahoo to say it is exploring 'strategic alternatives' \n", "\n", "Sanders courts U.S. black vote after coasting to New Hampshire win: \n", "\n", "KID: I'm starting to feel like I'll never find a Coke with my name on it\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious\n", "\n", "Arteries are blood vessels that carry blood away from the heart.\n", "\n", "Myanmar's incoming leader Suu Kyi holds talks with army chief \n", "\n", "Roses are red, Violets are blue, I've got dementia, Cheese on toast.\n", "\n", "Sprint slashes 2,500 jobs to cut costs \n", "\n", "paramedic: sir, I tried “Wife” from your phone and she didn’t pick up \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my husband: *gasping for breath* you have to call twice\n", "\n", "As Snug As A Bug In A Rug \n", "\n", "2101 Adonis was one of the first near-Earth asteroids to be discovered.\n", "\n", "\"Tits or Arse man?\" I was asked. I really should have got in there earlier when they were giving out super hero names.\n", "\n", "Wave of Aden killings tests Gulf role in Yemen \n", "\n", "I tried sniffing coke once..and got an ice cube stuck up my nose.\n", "\n", "Greeks set to strike against leftist government's pension plans \n", "\n", "St Peter: ok the ghost busters just died, they did good so I let them into heaven, right?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: yes\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Jesus: sure\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Holy Ghost: absolutely not\n", "\n", "Oregon refuge occupiers voice ire at U.S. government reach: \n", "\n", "He lives in Guilford , Connecticut , with his wife and their two children.\n", "\n", "As U.S. shale sinks, pipeline fight sends woes downstream\n", "\n", "Save a horse ride a cowboy? Why do you need to save that horse? WHERE WERE YOU TAKING THAT HORSE, RICHARD??\n", "\n", "One of them is called Ziarul De Calafat , which is also maintained online ; another is Calafat Live.\n", "\n", "For the South Kent village see Hartley.\n", "\n", "My wife says that my lying is ruining our marriage. But I reckon it's my big dick.\n", "\n", "eath is nature’s way of saying, Your table’s ready.\n", "\n", "drug boss: [goes to stick a knife in bag of cocaine to check it]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [knowing how long it took me to bag up] if you just open the flap at th\n", "\n", "Valentines is 3 days away. You still have time to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend before it's too late!\n", "\n", "[spelling bee]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "moderator: your word is abandon\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: can you use it in a sentence?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "moderator: everyone you love will abandon you \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: omg\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "moderator: lol no not even close\n", "\n", "French advisers helping Libyan forces in Benghazi: Libyan commander \n", "\n", "Did you hear about the photographer that got locked in his darkroom? He died of exposure. It was not a pretty picture.\n", "\n", "Cameron's morning after: how Brexit divorce gets messy \n", "\n", "Yo mama is so old her social security number is 1!\n", "\n", "The fortresses thus lost their importance.\n", "\n", "Somalia protests Kenya's detention of govt. delegation at airport \n", "\n", "It is home to Addis Ababa University.\n", "\n", "roommate: hey this package came in with your name on it, but it’s just denture cream and lavender scented lube\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [reading a book called “how to seduce a woman over 90”] that’s awfully strange\n", "\n", "body positivity thread!!! drop your pics i’ll start\n", "\n", "Why should you never date a tennis player? cause love means nothing to them.\n", "\n", "Militant who claimed responsibility for Indian base attack warns Pakistan against crackdown \n", "\n", "Cape May is at a crossroads for bird migration.\n", "\n", "My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”\n", "\n", "\"There are all kinds of love in the world, but never the same love twice \". - F. Scott Fitzgerald\n", "\n", "One of the few things that is known of Fuzûlî 's life during this time is how he arrived at his pen name.\n", "\n", "How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? The cake jumps out of the girl.\n", "\n", "Hercules and Chiron are talking by the fire side and the fire goes out.\n", "\n", "Taiwan quake toll climbs to 35, president to visit disaster scene \n", "\n", "The Three Jewels , also rendered as Three Treasures , Three Refuges or Triple Gem are the three things that Buddhists give themselves to , and in return look toward for guidance , in the process known as taking refuge.\n", "\n", "Olive Garden a heist with Vin Diesel\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "When you’re here, you’re family\n", "\n", "What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick\n", "\n", "This was the first time an asteroidal moon had been discovered by a ground-based telescope.\n", "\n", "What is E.T. short for? So he can fit on a spaceship.\n", "\n", "London's mayor Boris Johnson to campaign for British exit from EU: \n", "\n", "I've been talking about making this for so long and finally got around to it. Buy your own at http://www.teespring.com/good-lookin-ndn-policy-wonks …\n", "\n", "Me to my son when we’re on top of the Empire State Building: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“One day, all of this will be yours.”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "(I randomly own all of New York City)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "(my son is a lion)\n", "\n", "dog: *stares at me*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: what\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dog: *sits next to speaker and stares at me*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ugh, fine *puts on free fallin by tom petty*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "tom petty: she's a good girl \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dog: *tail goes fucken nuts*\n", "\n", "My pet mouse 'Elvis' died last last..He was caught in a trap..\n", "\n", "honk if your species killed the Great Barrier Reef\n", "\n", "future is straight up palming his child https://twitter.com/Julian_Epp/status/1140288579802976256 …\n", "\n", " China buys first U.S. crude cargo since end of export ban - source \n", "\n", "Congo opposition leader arrested ahead of anti-president strike \n", "\n", "There's a fine line between holding hands and keeping her from shopping.\n", "\n", "They say there is safety in numbers. Tell that to 6 million Jews.\n", "\n", "Prime Minister Cameron implores London Mayor Boris not to join EU leave campaign \n", "\n", "Attacker shoots at offices in Saudi Arabia, six dead \n", "\n", "FBI captures alleged 'Scream Robber', a Top 10 Most Wanted fugitive \n", "\n", "Trump leads Republican field nationally by more than 20 points\n", "\n", "We ourselves did not think that sympathies would be so intense . ''\n", "\n", "Ukrainian prosecutor quits over corruption as government teeters \n", "\n", "If you see me choking on chicken skin, just let me work through it. It’s not my first chicken skin rodeo.\n", "\n", "Cross The Stream Where It Is Shallowest\n", "\n", "Make Hay While The Sun Shines\n", "\n", "Manhattan construction crane collapses, kills one \n", "\n", "The first column displays the header and the second column contains the parameter name.\n", "\n", "Me drafting tweets when i’m drunk: this is hilarious! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me reading drafts when i’m sober: potango: a love story of a potato and a mango\n", "\n", "me shyly: new miley slaps\r", "\r", "\r\n", "son and his friends that I’m driving to school: what was that?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: nothing\n", "\n", "U.S.-led coalition stages 30 strikes in Syria, Iraq against Islamic State \n", "\n", "I got a birthday card and when I opened it a Yorkshire pudding fell out. It was from Aunt Bessie!\n", "\n", "Western-backed Ukrainian government survives no confidence vote \n", "\n", "China will set plan for raising retirement age next year: media \n", "\n", "U.S. businessman jailed in Iran breaks hunger strike\n", "\n", "Greek political leaders to clash over pension cutback plan on Tuesday \n", "\n", "[sees an ant on the wall] god you’re so dumb no offense\n", "\n", "MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [looks at camera]\n", "\n", "just killed a bug so big i feel like baltimore city police is going to have some questions for me in the morning\n", "\n", "Each year, the Guinness Book of World Records breaks its own record for the most Books of World Records ever recorded in the world\n", "\n", "The recapture of Aden fails to provide any respite from Yemen's civil war: \n", "\n", "Asian shares, oil skid as global growth concerns dominate \n", "\n", "Burundi police detain British, French journalists in raids \n", "\n", "Spent all of my wages on skin cream. Bit of a rash decision!\n", "\n", "Damn people really be out here trying to think of ways to subtly tag big Twitter accounts like @steak_umm @sunnydelight @Pluckers @awhalefact and @s8n to try and get them to like their tweet lmao\n", "\n", "You started your story in the middle, assuming I had a lot of pre-information that I didn’t, but you seemed to need to say it and I needed you to be done saying it so you know I think it worked out.\n", "\n", "He Must Needs Swim That Is Held Up By The Chin\n", "\n", "The Great Lakes hold 20 % of the world 's fresh water.\n", "\n", "Him: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "-loves you \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "-respects you \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "-eat chimkin \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "-calls chicken chimkin\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Who u gonna chose \n", "\n", "Every full-grown man has a hut to himself , and one for each wife.\n", "\n", "i want my eulogy to vaguely rhyme like every 3rd and 7th line, and people will register it and feel a little weird about laughing, my life metaphor.\n", "\n", "This template extracts the current integer minute on two digits from the current UTC time.\n", "\n", "In 1998 , their inaugural league season , the Fire won the MLS Cup as well as the U.S. Open Cup.\n", "\n", "I've been in love with the same woman for years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!\n", "\n", "Shoot for the moon. If you miss, reload and fire again. The moon must be stopped at all costs.\n", "\n", "I had a threesome with a scalene and an isosceles. It was a love triangle.\n", "\n", "Obama, Netanyahu may agree defense deal in Washington next month, envoy says \n", "\n", "Bisexual: The ability to reach down someone's pants and be satisfied with whatever you find.\n", "\n", "The Ediacaran Period represents the time from the end of global Marinoan glaciation to the first appearance worldwide of somewhat complicated trace fossils.\n", "\n", "There was a fight in the chippy last night! Two fish got battered.\n", "\n", "The video received five nominations for the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards , including Best Female Video and Best New Artist.\n", "\n", "Tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist\n", "\n", "I always cry at the same spot in the movies. Right at the ticket window.\n", "\n", "Breeds listed here may be traditional breeds with long histories as registered breeds , rare breeds with their own registries , or new breeds that may still be under development.\n", "\n", "Please follow ernesto! Great guy new to Twitter\n", "\n", "It is meant to be thrown the same as a fastball , but simply farther back in the hand , which makes it release from the hand slower but still retaining the look of a fastball.\n", "\n", "Mozambique plane debris believed to be from Boeing 777: Malaysia minister \n", "\n", "Perhaps the best known cultural reference to Banksia is the `` big bad Banksia men '' of May Gibbs ' children 's book Snugglepot and Cuddlepie . Gibb 's `` Banksia men '' are modelled on the appearance of aged Banksia `` cones '' , with follicles for eyes and other facial features.\n", "\n", "If channel mode + t is set , only a channel operator may set the topic.\n", "\n", "Galaxy Note jokes are the new \"Yo Mamma So Fat\" jokes.\n", "\n", "[the newlywed game]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bob Eubanks: What drink describes your wife on your wedding night?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:*lips on mic* Drinks can't talk, idiot\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*cut to commercial*\n", "\n", "Had a fight with an erection this morning. I beat it single handedly.\n", "\n", "I love this man and that work and yes, this RT is straight-up a brag @AnthonySHead\n", "\n", "FUN IDEA: a flying fast food restaurant called HindenBurger.\n", "\n", "How can you tell that the little mermaid is on her period? She's followed by sharks.\n", "\n", "No Garden Without Its Weeds\n", "\n", "You can check in anytime you want \r", "\r", "\r\n", "But you can’t change the thermostat\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- Hotel Dadifornia\n", "\n", "Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors.\n", "\n", "What do you call an Iraqi with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.\n", "\n", "Obama makes final attempt to persuade Congress to close Guantanamo\n", "\n", " White House says is working to resolve situation with Navy boats in Iranian custody, wants personnel returned to normal deployment\n", "\n", "U.S. health officials step up efforts to study the link between Zika and birth defects: \n", "\n", "Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. \n", "\n", "Any Port In A Storm\n", "\n", "Libya could soon run out of life-saving medicines: U.N. \n", "\n", "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks to the other and asks, \"Does this taste funny to you?\"\n", "\n", "Fed's Yellen cites global risks but says U.S. should motor through \n", "\n", "What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full.\n", "\n", "“The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy.”\n", "\n", "the selection of dipping sauces at this wake is exceptional\n", "\n", "A Good Name Keeps Its Lustre In The Dark\n", "\n", "We all deserve someone who wants to know the stories that destroyed us into the beautiful human we are today, and chooses to stay.\n", "\n", "Palestinian activist's U.S. immigration fraud conviction vacated \n", "\n", "Her personal name is unknown.\n", "\n", "Long Eaton has two state secondary schools , The Long Eaton School and Wilsthorpe Business and Enterprise College as well as several primary schools.\n", "\n", "Why can't Michael Jackson play chess? Because he doesn't know if he's black or white.\n", "\n", "Wealth Is Nothing Without Health\n", "\n", "Myanmar to release political prisoners before power transfer \n", "\n", "China navy launches first self-propelled floating dock \n", "\n", "As well as his extensive stand-up work , Bailey is a best known for his appearances on Have I Got News for You , Never Mind the Buzzcocks , QI and Black Books.\n", "\n", "Republican U.S. presidential hopefuls say Zika quarantine may be needed \n", "\n", "Marriage is a relationship wherein one person is always right and the other person is the husband.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the women who got wooden breast implants? A punchline would be funny here, Wooden Tit?\n", "\n", "She accepts the task and eventually falls in love with Bran , their leader.\n", "\n", "punching a shark in the nose is a very mean thing to do. instead, politely ask it to stop eating you\n", "\n", "Turning over new leaf: Ousted Thai PM picks lettuce for the cameras \n", "\n", "In 1989 he was nominated for a Grammy Award for Best New Artist , but lost to Tracy Chapman.\n", "\n", "Made a list of classes more helpful than algebra: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "starting a new roll of tape class\r", "\r", "\r\n", "filing taxes class\r", "\r", "\r\n", "saying “no” class\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dishwasher loading class\r", "\r", "\r\n", "choosing a candidate class\r", "\r", "\r\n", "animal husbandry\n", "\n", "Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.\n", "\n", "You feel stuck with your debt..If you can't budge it.\n", "\n", "Why don't Mexicans cross the border in groups of three? Because it says \"No Trespassing\".\n", "\n", "Help wanted: telepath. You know where to apply.\n", "\n", "Why did the blonde starve to death? Her new phone came with a little packet in the box that said, \"Do not eat.\"\n", "\n", "Nothing Venture, Nothing Have\n", "\n", "A Christmas tree stand is an object designed to support a cut , natural Christmas tree or an artificial Christmas tree.\n", "\n", "My two Mexican buddies were playing basketball with each other. I called it a Juan on Juan tournament.\n", "\n", "billie eilish: i’m the bad guy\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: [putting her into the back of his squad car] yeah we know you just ran over five kids with your car\n", "\n", "just saw a headline that said stomachs are in and boobs are out and i was like yeah, that’s the way bodies work dumbass\n", "\n", "What If Aliens only abduct crazy people BECAUSE no one will believe them?\n", "\n", "Schigolch goes to buy train tickets , and left alone with Alwa , Lulu seduces him again , they declare their love for each other and agree to go away together.\n", "\n", "frat guy: we need a new hazing ritual\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [raises manicured hand] I loved last week’s\n", "\n", "Update: Iris (pictured here) made the sorullitos! She’s from Cabo Rojo ! Carlos, her husband, was the delivery man! And they’ve lived up here for 45 years! #goals\n", "\n", "Grandma opens a present with a pair of earrings and grandpa leans over and says,\"what are those, fish hooks?\"\n", "\n", "I. Every Man Shall obey civil Command ; the Captain shall have one full Share and a half of all Prizes ; the Master , Carpenter , Boatswain and Gunner shall have one Share and quarter.\n", "\n", "This has never been done in human history before . ''\n", "\n", "One turn at bat for each team constitutes an inning ; nine innings make up a professional game.\n", "\n", "He That Lies Down With Dogs Must Rise Up With Fleas\n", "\n", "A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Bubble wrap. The psychiatrist says \"Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.\"\n", "\n", "Corruption scandals could foil Spanish PM Rajoy's bid to retain power \n", "\n", "It flies with body and tail held level , with slow wing beats.\n", "\n", "me: *responds maybe to a fb event*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY\n", "\n", "What do you call a one-legged woman? Ilene.\n", "\n", "The work is divided in three parts.\n", "\n", "Haiti protesters stone man to death as political crisis deepens \n", "\n", "Countries should use all levers to support economy: Lew \n", "\n", "Langston is home to Langston University , the only historically black college in Oklahoma.\n", "\n", "Police Chief: Big Bruiser copy?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Big Bruiser: copy\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Police Chief: Killdozer u copy?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Killdozer: all ears\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Police Chief: *sighs* Mighty ThunderNards u copy? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: omg omg copy, I’m so glad we could pick our own names\n", "\n", "Every time a lizard loses their tail a new snake is born.\n", "\n", "UK to publish EU membership analysis before June vote - Osborne: \n", "\n", "Valeant to appoint interim CEO as Pearson remains hospitalized: source \n", "\n", "Today I was asked how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently \"in HD\" wasn't the right answer.\n", "\n", "A storm was named Isbell for the first time in 1964.\n", "\n", "I met the man who invented windowsills. What a ledge.\n", "\n", "My wife told me I'm not allowed to impersonate a flamingo anymore. I had to put my foot down.\n", "\n", "Thailand is an independent country that lies in the heart of Southeast Asia.\n", "\n", "Although lobster skin has been found in lobster stomachs , this is because lobsters eat their shed skin after molting.\n", "\n", "Egypt says made no arrests in connection to Russian plane crash \n", "\n", "Oil prices fall as weak China data, oversupply drag on markets \n", "\n", " With 99% of precincts reporting, the Democratic Iowa caucus is still too close to call \n", "\n", "ME: Some would call me a mathematician \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: Who calls you that?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Myself\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: So not some\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *whipping out my calculator* “Sum” you say?\n", "\n", "It was the first single by Beyoncé and currently the last solo single by Amil.\n", "\n", "There , during an assembly , he was imprisoned for the first time.\n", "\n", "All generalizations are false.\n", "\n", "Juveniles and adult males are much smaller and do not make bolas.\n", "\n", "Dogs on leads are allowed.\n", "\n", "Shallow Streams Make Most Din\n", "\n", "EU's elder statesmen to Britain: 'Don't leave us now' \n", "\n", "Another noted 18th century librettist was Lorenzo da Ponte , who wrote the libretti for three of Mozart 's greatest operas , as well as for many other composers.\n", "\n", "A Good Name Is Sooner Lost Than Won\n", "\n", "A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.\n", "\n", "Egypt PM says government will present program to parliament in March \n", "\n", "Pope tells Davos elite: Consider your role in creating poverty:\n", "\n", "Chinese suspect in Los Angeles murders says wants to return to U.S.: \n", "\n", "Did you hear about the Star Wars action figures they’re giving away at the truck show? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "It’s a toy Yoda pickup.\n", "\n", "Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.\n", "\n", "Fun loving Hahn takes one-shot lead in Phoenix \n", "\n", "In January 2009 , a new record low temperature for the state was set at 50 F , tying the New England record.\n", "\n", "Some mornings I wake up bitchy. Other mornings I just let her sleep...\n", "\n", "Israel licks wounds as Iran sanctions end, looks to future U.S. aid \n", "\n", "My wife accused me of having OCD. I soon put her in her place.\n", "\n", "What did the elephant say to the naked man? \"How do you breath through something so small?\" \n", "\n", "I just opened a kitchen cupboard and loads of Omega 3 capsules fell on my head. I'm alright though, just some superfishoil injuries.\n", "\n", "Why is twelve an unfair number? Because it's two against one.\n", "\n", "a mint green Prius is a vow of celibacy\n", "\n", "I was an ugly kid, when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.\n", "\n", "Greek transport minister offers to resign after comments about PM \n", "\n", "However , before the punishment is executed two eyewitnesses under oath must say that they saw the person stealing.\n", "\n", "waiter: say when\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dracula: ven\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "other waiter: haha say it again\n", "\n", " Bernie Sanders takes on Wall Street. \n", "\n", "Serbia's prime minister asks parliament to sack defense minister \n", "\n", "Southern California people, starting tomorrow I will begin giving all of my paintings away. I will be leaving them in public locations and will post a photo here in order to help people find them. The paintings will be signed and a note will be attached. Watch this thread. #art\n", "\n", "Syrian army source sees Aleppo encircled soon \n", "\n", "Today is the day I force my enemies to battle for the title of Arch Nemesis.\n", "\n", "His given name was Merwan Sheriar Irani.\n", "\n", "How do you stop moles from digging up your garden? Hide their spades.\n", "\n", "Nokia leaves investors in dark over outlook: \n", "\n", "Iranian media outlets add to bounty for killing Britain's Rushdie: \n", "\n", "Smoking may shorten your lifespan. But it will lengthen your lunch break.\n", "\n", "Germany tells Russia: don't meddle in sex crime probe \n", "\n", "I gave Easter candy to my roommates and I'm officially dubbed the mom of the apartment now.\n", "\n", "WATSON: Here's the weird thing. There's only one set of footprints.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.\n", "\n", "The universe implodes... No matter.\n", "\n", "What's long and hard and makes women groan? An Ironing Board.\n", "\n", "Ass jam implies the existence of penis butter\n", "\n", "Why were ET's eyes so big? He saw the phone bill.\n", "\n", "TransCanada launches legal action over Keystone XL rejection \n", "\n", "Once upon a time I accidentialy smashed my face in the keyboard and wrote the 5th Twighlight book.\n", "\n", "Afghan army to fly first unmanned aircraft in March, U.S. official says \n", "\n", "Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze.\n", "\n", "Daughter: dada are you allergic to poison?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: [fork halfway to mouth] uh what?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Daughter:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: why did you ask me that?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Daughter:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: WhY DId yOu ASk mE tHAt?\n", "\n", "Export solution to Lebanon's trash crisis scrapped \n", "\n", "Apparently most dogs in Korea are inbred. Like in a sandwich or something.\n", "\n", "Where is my 7th delicious meal of the day #suddelafrance https://www.instagram.com/p/Byza1cVhW9G/?igshid=5rh4c7bx8ohd …\n", "\n", "You had me at gravy hot tub\n", "\n", "Oregon occupiers warn authorities of booby traps at refuge \n", "\n", "I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it \"Do not eat if seal is broken.\" So I opened up the box, and sure enough...\n", "\n", "And then I go and spoil it all, by saying something stupid like \"what that mouth do?\"\n", "\n", "Lord (God, Heaven) Helps Those (Them) Who Help Themselves\n", "\n", "Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.\n", "\n", "Ask No Questions And You Will Be Told No Lies\n", "\n", "You think your day was bad? My dog doesn’t have hands, he can’t even pour his own cereal or fight off my hugs.\n", "\n", "When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.\n", "\n", "War Criminal BDSM equipment\r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " Dick Chain-ey\n", "\n", "y’all are like “omg i wanna see men in crop tops! more men wearing eyeliner!” well u know what i wanna see men in?? therapy. learn to process ur emotions please\n", "\n", "Why didn't Mr. Clean's wife ever get pregnant? He comes in a bottle.\n", "\n", "Released American journalists have left Bahrain - relatives \n", "\n", "They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends. I hope it's Michael - he's super cute.\n", "\n", "[waking up from a nap]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: if I took another nap it would be closer to bedtime\n", "\n", "Kate uses guest editor role to tackle mental illness stigma \n", "\n", "so are you ..you know *mimes cuffing jeans* bisexual?\n", "\n", "the weary traveler reaches a rickety barn & rests. the year is 3000. the anomaly had wiped humanity's collective memory, causing civilization's collapse. suddenly he hears a whisper, then another. from the walls, images, history cascade like a waterfall. pepperidge farm remembers\n", "\n", "Teenager near Tokyo found to have Zika virus after return from Brazil\n", "\n", "Ernie, would you like some ice cream? Sherbert!\n", "\n", "Thompson set a new record by winning his fourth Vezina Trophy , which was his last victory . He was also named to the First All-Star team for the second time.\n", "\n", "A plateau is the highest form of flattery.\n", "\n", "At home , Tweed nurses Slade back to health while the dogs rest.\n", "\n", "[first day as a cop]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: suspect is running nude through downtown\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dispatch: copy that\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *starts undressing*\n", "\n", "The Western Long-beaked Echidna is one of the four extant echidnas and one of three species of Zaglossus that occur in New Guinea.\n", "\n", "On a Day Like Today is an album by Canadian singer-songwriter Bryan Adams , released in 1998.\n", "\n", "For more technical details see the.\n", "\n", "Oil industry bet big on Jeb Bush for president, Reuters review shows. Now what?\n", "\n", "In those cases the rank of grand cross may come after another rank.\n", "\n", "I would love to have a battle of witts with you, but it seems that you have come unarmed.\n", "\n", "Moscow court rejects lawsuit against Putin from Kremlin critic Navalny: RIA \n", "\n", "An entire family is considered responsible for whatever one of them has done.\n", "\n", "#versailles https://www.instagram.com/p/BzB9-I9B8Gt/?igshid=11tf188ibcmfb …\n", "\n", "Ven Conmigo was the group 's first Gold album.\n", "\n", "Many A Little Makes A Mickle\n", "\n", "One of the earliest mentions of an incubus comes from Mesopotamia on the Sumerian kings ' list , ca.\n", "\n", "Dreadlocks and poets herald new face of Spanish parliament: \n", "\n", "Did you hear the elephants at the circus are going on strike? They're tired of working for peanuts.\n", "\n", "A good politician knows how to explain what is going to happen in the future, and then why it didn't happen.\n", "\n", "Sure sex is cool and all but T̕Ḧͣ͑Ě̶͐͂ ͥ̌̎̄G̋̌̉͑O̸D͂ͦ͒̈́͊͘S̛ ̋̋A̋͋͗̏̈̃̌́Rͮͬͭ̀̈ͬ̆E ͦ̇ͥ͛͝Aͤ̈́͌ͭͥ̍̆͜NG͑R̋́Yͨ̔ͥ͠ ́ͧĀͨ̓͌Tͬ̔̿̀ͨͬͥ̕ Uͫͤͨ͗̇ͨSͯ ̇̌̊̀F̧̍̿̋̂̓ͥ̈O̢͌ͣ̊̐́ͨ̍Rͤ̋̂̈̊̊̚͢ ̷ͫ̈ͤ̄O̡̐͌̒͌̓̋U͒͗̏͆͟R̔̚͞ ̷ͦHͩͨ̾̑̂U̵B͌͋̈́ͫ̂̋ͬRȈ̋ͮͬ̓̾Sͨͯ\n", "\n", "What's the other word for synonym?\n", "\n", "The Mexican anti-graft officials fighting corruption with caviar and champagne: \n", "\n", "`` Give It Away '' was released as the first single ; it won a Grammy award in 1992 for `` Best Hard Rock Performance With Vocal '' and became the band 's first number one single on the Modern Rock chart.\n", "\n", "In a Catholic boarding school, how do you know when to go to bed? The big hand touches the little hand.\n", "\n", "Where would you park your camel? The Camelot.\n", "\n", "German coalition rifts deepen as Merkel ally threatens legal steps \n", "\n", "A timeline of GM's faulty ignition switch saga: \n", "\n", "I've got both feet on the ground next to my purple Bentley.\n", "\n", "I have SEXDAILY! I mean DYSLEXIA. Fcuk!\n", "\n", "Why is there no black character in the game \"Clue\"? Because then it would be called \"Solved.\"\n", "\n", "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.\n", "\n", "Is it OK to use my AM radio after noon?\n", "\n", "If women are so perfect at multi-tasking. How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?\n", "\n", "My penis fell off, so I gave the wife a bollocking.\n", "\n", "He That Spares The Bad Injures The Good\n", "\n", "Three Colorado deputies shot, one killed during gun battle with suspect\n", "\n", "Feathers can become waterlogged and birds may sink . It is also very difficult to clean and rescue birds whose feathers have been fouled by oil spills.\n", "\n", "U.S., Britain consider letting spy agencies, police seek email, chat data from companies \n", "\n", "Asia stocks hit three and half year lows as oil, China worries take toll \n", "\n", "Half A Loaf Is Better Than No Bread\n", "\n", "Do As You Would Be Done By\n", "\n", "Advice to ice skaters: You can't always tell a brook by its cover.\n", "\n", "UK house price growth accelerates in February, Nationwide says \n", "\n", "what if sharks are just trying to free humans from the viewing cages thinking that they're trapped\n", "\n", "People think I'm stupid, because I have a lisp. I'm thick of it.\n", "\n", "Biden, Poroshenko discuss need for reforms in Ukraine: White House \n", "\n", "A Good Example Is The Best Sermon\n", "\n", "just ran into an old college buddy i haven’t talked to in a year in a bar bathroom and i said “hey man long time no pee” and he didn’t laugh and now i remember why i haven’t talked to him in a year\n", "\n", "Sleeping on the front porch because my wife walked in on me wiping with the toilet brush again\n", "\n", "A G-string is one variety of thong.\n", "\n", "A spin-off series of Hogan Knows Best called Brooke Knows Best premiered on July 13 , 2008 on VH1.\n", "\n", "Bank of Japan stuns markets with negative interest rate surprise: \n", "\n", "How much room is needed for fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible.\n", "\n", "Most new residents are thought to have come from St. Bernard Parish.\n", "\n", "Becoming the oldest person alive would suck because you couldn’t even rub your victory in the faces of the people you beat to get the title\n", "\n", "“the first one is always the hardest,” i say, doing one sit up and then never doing physical activity again\n", "\n", "I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.\n", "\n", "Sean Penn says Mexico is trying to put him in the crosshairs of \"El Chapo's\" cartel: \n", "\n", "Lenny weakened to a tropical depression in the open Atlantic two days later and dissipated on November 23.\n", "\n", "Growing feud: Trump, Cruz escalate attacks on each other \n", "\n", "me in college: woo let's get turnt on alcohol!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me now: i'm going to sit here and slice this apple as quietly as possible.\n", "\n", "Come to Myspace and Twitter my Yahoo \r\n", "Til' I Google all over your Facebook.\n", "\n", "Rounding is always to one decimal place ; the units are not wikilinked.\n", "\n", "Old turbine runners may have a significant amount of stainless steel added this way by the end of their lifetime.\n", "\n", "Sending you all chill vibez\n" ] }, { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "\n", "The name of the new princess is Princess Isabella Henrietta Ingrid Margrethe.\n", "\n", "My buddy just asked me where he's supposed to rub the computer to turn it on..\n", "\n", "Hurtova Lhota was first documented in 1436.\n", "\n", "Apple encryption stand highlights mobile operators' dilemma \n", "\n", "I used to be an archaeologist. But my career ended in ruins.\n", "\n", "Banana bread is a type of bread that contains mashed yellow bananas.\n", "\n", "hey guys its phriendlycody here to talk about fitness. six months ago i would have killed to have \"those\" abs, and now i kill because i have \"those\" abs. i have not been able to stop murdering since i bought my last Bowflex. P90X made me punch my grandmother in the face.\n", "\n", "Cameron hits back at EU referendum foes with 'Project Fact' \n", "\n", "Here is an impression of a guy who is seeing \"Wicked\" for the first time when Elphaba says the titular line in the deviously underrated song, \"No Good Deed\".\n", "\n", "Good Health Is Above Wealth\n", "\n", "There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.\n", "\n", "I'm not saying my wife's a fat bitch, but I've had to put all the chocolate biscuits well out of reach. On the floor.\n", "\n", "CDC spokesman said agency did not investigate how Dallas Zika case was transmitted. \n", "\n", "[first day as a doctor]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [looking at clipboard] so it says here you're a cancer haha no way i'm a sagittarius\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "patient: um, i'm a gemini\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [looks at clipboard again] ...oh boy\n", "\n", "My mother in law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed, I never knew they worked.\n", "\n", "ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows\n", "\n", "Between Two Evils 'Tis Not Worth Choosing\n", "\n", "U.S. halts new coal leases on federal land, first review in decades \n", "\n", "Things I always forget about that make me feel good when I’m sad:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Working out\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Drinking coffee \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Walking my dogs\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My dogs\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Other people’s dogs\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dogs\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Kissing\n", "\n", "Why did the book get stitches? Because he had his appendix removed. \n", "\n", "A Tattler Is Worse Than A Thief\n", "\n", "The Face Is The Index Of The Mind\n", "\n", "The Great Prince allows Bambi to go with them.\n", "\n", "For some reason I couldn't remember the word \"calendar,\" so I called it a \"time map.\"\n", "\n", "\"Gun\" appeared only once in prepared SOTU text. Unofficial word count: 5,438 words versus 6,776 last year \n", "\n", "Along with this new platform there are plans to build a new ticket hall at the eastern end of the mezzanine.\n", "\n", "At least 21 Hutus killed in 'alarming' east Congo violence: U.N. \n", "\n", "Information in this template may need to be updated from time to time as we obtain more information about the targeted user.\n", "\n", "If you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.\n", "\n", "I've been revising for a practical exam on pest control. I was up all night swatting.\n", "\n", "Site of massacre in San Bernardino, California reopens \n", "\n", "President Obama boosts Clinton's pitch to Democratic voters \n", "\n", "Presets are too complicated for me . Instagram influencers really work so much harder than we realize.... I’m supposed to just download this? And I cannot figure it out. It’s above me\n", "\n", "Egyptian police shoot four suspected militants in raid near Cairo \n", "\n", " I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.\n", "\n", "Extremes Meet\n", "\n", "Obama promises Merkel to 'substantially' support refugee efforts: Berlin \n", "\n", "professor x: what’s your power?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i’m dummy thicc\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "professor x: that’s stupid please leave\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ok [turns around to start walking, exposing my juicy dumper]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "professor x: wait\n", "\n", "Afghan forces retake northern district from Taliban \n", "\n", "But I was here in New York City , I had money and I couldn't buy any clothes.\n", "\n", "It's when you try to appear intelligent that you look the most stupidest\n", "\n", "The name of the collection is Egérie and it is the first one to include watches for women.\n", "\n", "A dictionary is the only place where eighth comes before first.\n", "\n", "Knock! Knock! \r\n", "Who's there?\r\n", "Robin.\r\n", "Robin Who?\r\n", "Robin you so hand it over.\n", "\n", "Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts? He couldn't stand all the racket\n", "\n", "If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.\n", "\n", "Little of his life and work is known today.\n", "\n", "Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.\n", "\n", "It was first published in 1996.\n", "\n", "[at a crematorium]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: I feel like I should get a discount\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "undertaker: why?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: my wife died in a house fire\n", "\n", "Beggars Cannot Be Choosers\n", "\n", "Late Russian anti-doping agency boss was set to expose true story\n", "\n", "Yo mama is so old that when I told her to act her own age she died.\n", "\n", "Iolaus persuades Hercules to let him go along for one last adventure before he is married , Hercules reluctantly relents and says that he can come along.\n", "\n", "genie: i shall grant you three wishes\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i wish my dog could talk\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "genie: done\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [petting my dog] hey buddy you've got two wishes\n", "\n", "One thing I've learned in life, flirting with an elephant trainer involves riding an elephant.\n", "\n", "Why is it always a good idea to pack asparagus when you go camping? In case your other agus breaks. \n", "\n", "Life is full of uncertainties...or I could be wrong about that?\n", "\n", "What's the best part about dating a black girl? Not having to meet the father.\n", "\n", "“Don’t spend it all in one place,” laughs my dad, handing me a Target gift card.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“I won’t,” I promise, knowing full well they have at least 2 stores\n", "\n", "The family - mother , father , old woman , young man , baby , and dog - are attempting to eat pieces of metal , such as chains , bicycle handlebars , and rifles.\n", "\n", "Auto-correct can kiss my big fat hairy ask!\n", "\n", "God: you’re a giraffe.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Giraffe: why is my neck so long?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[monkey climbs a nearby tree]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Giraffe:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: you weren’t supposed to see that.\n", "\n", "Two monkeys in a bath together. First one says: \"Ooh Ooh Ah Ah\" Second one says: \"Best put some more cold water in then\".\n", "\n", "we're also fundraising with these shirts with all the money going to the travel and recovery costs of an organ donor PLUS you get a cool shirt that will arrive around father's day\n", "\n", "That said, I respect the *ambition* in Bogus Journey (which was originally called Bill and Ted Go To Hell, but they made us change it) - we just didn’t get the script right in the third act. (Though @Winter tells me we once had a version that was right.. till we hadda change it.)\n", "\n", "Cop: You carrying anything you shouldn't have?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: No officer...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Cop: Empty your pockets sir...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: [pulls out keys, phone]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Cop: You got anything else?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: [nervously] ⁿᵒᵗ ᵐʸ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗ ᶜʰᵉᵉˢᵉ\n", "\n", "Absorbing UV and converting it into visible light in this way was considered one possible way of providing energy to a primitive cell.\n", "\n", "Kerry believes 2016 will see Islamic State 'seriously dented' \n", "\n", "ZikaVirus could affect between three million and four million people: WHO \n", "\n", "It tolerates drought well.\n", "\n", "Kerry issues warning as Syrian parties back halt to fighting \n", "\n", "DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW BAGHDAD ROCK GROUP? NO KIDS ON THE BLOCK.\n", "\n", "What's got two legs and bleeds a lot? Half a dog.\n", "\n", "South Africa parliament passes land expropriation bill \n", "\n", "me: i heard staying up too late can cause hallucinations\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "elmo with teeth: that sounds made up\n", "\n", "Israeli troops shoot dead Palestinian who tried to stab them - army \n", "\n", "Ivory Coast sends soldiers wanted for failed coup to Burkina Faso, sources say \n", "\n", "I like my women how I like my bicycles. Chained up in the garage and two tired for movement.\n", "\n", "Like the genera that Stebbins had previously studied , Crepis commonly hybridized , displayed polyploidy , and could make seed without fertilization.\n", "\n", "I had to call the Elvis impersonator hotline yesterday. Got told to press; 1 for the money 2 for the show\n", "\n", "The two brothers were released on the following day.\n", "\n", "♬ ratbird screamin in the dead of night\r", "\r", "\r\n", "flap ur lil wings & somehow fly\r", "\r", "\r\n", "what are bats?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ratbird is the name for the thing you just described♬\n", "\n", "A man gets the words \"I LOVE YOU\" tattooed on his penis. His wife tells him \"Quit putting words in my mouth!\"\n", "\n", "What base is it when he says he has a wife?\n", "\n", "responding to all my job rejection emails with “i don’t even remember who you are i was fucked up when i applied to this” and then a few weeks later with “so how’s your tuesday going.” this is how you play the game people. does anyone have some rent they can give me\n", "\n", "First and third place finishers traditionally receive a gold medal and bronze medal , respectively.\n", "\n", "He gave everybody their letters from home.\n", "\n", "The northward turn shifted the course away from any land areas.\n", "\n", "The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we'd never know. We'd never know.\n", "\n", "TUSK SAYS UNDER DEAL WITH BRITAIN, PROPOSES THAT NATIONAL PARLIAMENTS CAN STOP DRAFT EU LEGAL PLANS IF THERE IS ENOUGH SUPPORT\n", "\n", "People talk about you. If they're not talking about you then you're boring.\n", "\n", "The story was supposed to be as if the first Dumbo ended and this one started the next day.\n", "\n", "Little Bastard soon became more and more aggressive and started attacking Finlay 's opponent during matches , much to Finlay 's dismay.\n", "\n", "Martin Shkreli pleads the Fifth before Congress: \n", "\n", "In describing the alignment of the wood in the tree a distinction may be made.\n", "\n", "The name comes from the gallo-romanic graneca , meaning by the grainery.\n", "\n", "Madison 's suburb , Middleton , was also ranked the `` Best Place to Live in America '' in 2007 by Money Magazine.\n", "\n", "Why did Jesus drop out of the carpentry business? He got too attached to his work.\n", "\n", "Film producer: You're a terrible scriptwriter.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I disagree. Me:\n", "\n", "He That Once Deceives Is Ever Suspected\n", "\n", "if you get nervous at a nude beach, just imagine everyone in their underwear\n", "\n", "Chatted with Crosby about the moon moving into Sagittarius today\n", "\n", "He was born near Harrisburg , Pennsylvania.\n", "\n", "When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.\n", "\n", "Better Late Than Never\n", "\n", "God (inventing humans): Make it so their favorite food kills them slowly.\n", "\n", "What do ISIS and Little Miss Muffet have in common? They both have kurds in their way\n", "\n", "Iran's Revolutionary Guards are destined to become still richer now sanctions lifted: \n", "\n", "Mend Or End (End Or Mend)\n", "\n", "I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.\n", "\n", "Zika, disease of the poor, may not change abortion in Brazil \n", "\n", "When two monosaccharides undergo dehydration synthesis , water is produced , as two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom are lost from the two monosaccharides ' hydroxyl group.\n", "\n", "Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.\n", "\n", "FIFA election heats up as rivals slam Infantino World Cup plan \n", "\n", "What do cows do for entertainment?\r\n", "They rent \"moovies\".\n", "\n", "He had married in 1891 and left a widow and two children.\n", "\n", "Ugandan president looks to extend 30-year rule in tense election \n", "\n", "French PM defends emergency rule, says terror threat 'here to last' \n", "\n", "Bambara has many local dialects.\n", "\n", "Libya's North African neighbors brace for any Western strikes \n", "\n", "Schroders Chief Executive Michael Dobson to step down - FT \n", "\n", "Today the novel remains his most enduringly popular work.\n", "\n", "Just been on to travel agents looking for a weekend away somewhere in the Northeast. They said you can't beat Sunderland this time of year.\n", "\n", "The moon will one day either break up into a planetary ring or hit Uranus.\n", "\n", "I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.\n", "\n", "me: well, i don't want to kill myself but i do want to die\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "gas station attendant: so, that's a yes to the clearance hot dog\n", "\n", "[creating humans]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: a brain, so they’ll be able to make smart and rational decisions. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Angel: ok\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: and a heart, so they can fall in love with each other. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Angel: ok..and they’ll be able to use both at the same time right?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: lmao oh hell no\n", "\n", "I’m renovating my mom’s new home everybody say good job Roy\n", "\n", "Tropical Depression Five-C formed on December 2 , two days after the season ended.\n", "\n", "A girl was born with a harmonica instead of vocal chords and when she cried it filled the room with a melody so sweet. “Make her cry more!” The villagers would shout. “Throw trash at her and lets jig, baby!” “HWAaangGG” she’d reply.\n", "\n", "Indian forces kill eight Maoist rebels in gunbattle \n", "\n", "Opinions are like assholes: I want a taste of Ruth Bader Ginsburg's\n", "\n", "It may have been a tropical cyclone.\n", "\n", "I struggle with my laziness. I'm like, \"should I sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing?\"\n", "\n", "Me: Let’s find an open road and run away. Start new, start fresh and just leave everything behind us...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Uber driver: Um, I already accepted my next ride so...I’m gonna have to say no.\n", "\n", "The stadium went back to its old name , Arena da Baixada.\n", "\n", "Easy there real life, I'm starting to neglect my twitter.\n", "\n", "Abyss returned to action at Slammiversary after the X Division Championship match wearing a white asylum uniform with his inmate number and his last name ` Park ' on the back and a new gray and black mask.\n", "\n", "The first was the creation of life from inorganic matter.\n", "\n", "Knock, Knock. Who's there? Tuna. Tuna who? Tuna violin.\n", "\n", "Nothing more embarrassing than finding out getting on your knees for Jesus is *not what you think it is than at your first Youth Group.\n", "\n", "Al Qaeda claims responsibility for attack on U.N. base in Mali \n", "\n", "LOOK LEFT ----------------------------> fail.\n", "\n", "My wife accused me of having an affair with a girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. How could she say that?\n", "\n", "Drive The Nail That Will Go\n", "\n", "DNA traces found of U.S. Marines killed in helicopter crash off Hawaii \n", "\n", "[Queer Eye, Hogwarts edition]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Tan: Today we're meeting Rubeus Hagrid \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Hagrid, holding dead rabbits: ‘Ello \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Jonathan: YAS QUEEN! You are giving me so much sexy mountain man face, I can’t even. You can take me to the forbidden forest anytime\n", "\n", "Mrs has run off with the milkman. Seeing them drive away on his milk float was the worst two hours of my life.\n", "\n", "My wife is going to a fancy dress party as a rastafarian and she's asked me to do her hair. I'm dreading it.\n", "\n", "Velvet Paws Hide Sharp Claws\n", "\n", "[date]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Oh me too.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: Which part do you like best?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.\n", "\n", "Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure\n", "\n", "Von Moers also participated in the individual dressage event with his horse New Bank.\n", "\n", "Forbearance Is No Acquittance\n", "\n", "Ozai 's children , Azula and Zuko were alive and well.\n", "\n", "My tombstone is going to say, \"I told you I was immortal.\"\n", "\n", "Merkel says refugees must return home once war is over \n", "\n", "We’re going to knock the Declaration of Independence off the shelf.\n", "\n", "YOU: I'm depressed\r", "\r", "\r\n", "THEM: oh no, have you tried doing this thing that doesn't work at all\n", "\n", "It was first published in 2001.\n", "\n", "Cat: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Cat: ᵐᵘʳᵈᵉʳʳʳʳʳ\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: what \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Cat: meow ᵈᵉʳ\n", "\n", "I used to date a dyslexic girl. I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.\n", "\n", "Ketamine - just say neigh.\n", "\n", "Any rug is a throw rug if you have unresolved anger issues\n", "\n", "My wife and I are having a competition to see who can steal the most dog related stuff from our local petshop..I've just taken the lead.\n", "\n", "I looked at your trophy wife. I see you didn't win first place.\n", "\n", "Why are there no casinos in Africa? Too many cheetahs.\n", "\n", "A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'\n", "\n", "Men think about sex every sex words. I mean six words.\n", "\n", "Checkpoints, arrests and one dead at Oregon refuge: \n", "\n", "Why is Jesus bad at crossword puzzles? Because he gets stuck on across and can't get down either\n", "\n", "New food naming trend at the office, today i ate a sandwich named Steve.\n", "\n", "I'm not saying my wife is ugly, but the milkman flirts with me.\n", "\n", "{Prison Diary Day 7}\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar\n", "\n", "Malaysia says debris found off Thai coast not from MH370 \n", "\n", "We named the Martian \"Station\" cause of a typo. We were SO punch drunk - it was 3 AM & we were begrudgingly doing studio notes, & we'd just cut out an entire sequence we loved at the police station - but some reason I'd left the word \"Station\" left over from INT. STATION - DAY.\n", "\n", "China lets yuan fall faster, share trading suspended as prices tumble \n", "\n", "Cologne steps up security for carnival after attacks at New Year \n", "\n", "Make no mistake - a state that criminalizes abortion but ranks 50th in public education doesn’t give a shit about children.\n", "\n", "The Exchange: Garry Kasparov forecasts bloody regime change in Russia.\n", "\n", "Why do porn stars hate driving? Because people always pull out infront of them.\n", "\n", "The year is 20XX. Organic organisms have all but been erased from the face of Faerun. Three clueless goobers are everyone’s last hope. It’s really very bad. This week’s episode of #TheZoneCast is LIVE from San Jose! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "https://www.themcelroy.family/2019/5/16/18623422/the-adventure-zone-live-in-san-jose …\n", "\n", "me: I enjoyed meeting your mom but the waiter was terrible \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my gf: that was my dad\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: then why was he working in that restaurant?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my gf: that was my house\n", "\n", "You are all too mean to fat people. You guys really need to lay off. They already have enough on their plates.\n", "\n", "Boeing focuses on early 737 MAX delivery - CFO \n", "\n", "This allows three eastbound destinations : New York , Boston , or both if the train hasn't reached the junction point yet.\n", "\n", "LeSieg and one as Rosetta Stone.\n", "\n", "Syrian, Russian forces carrying out ethnic cleansing around Aleppo - Turkish PM \n", "\n", "We call our grandad \"Spiderman\". He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.\n", "\n", "Fools May Sometimes Speak To The Purpose\n", "\n", "This can not be literally true , but it is close enough to be memorable.\n", "\n", "China charges Canadian with spying, stealing state secrets: Xinhua \n", "\n", "Emergency services at Didcot power plant after explosion reported \n", "\n", "I went to a dyslexic rave last night. I took three F's.\n", "\n", "EU leaders left to iron out remaining issues in Britain talks next week \n", "\n", "Sports Direct to drop out of FTSE 100 in reshuffle \n", "\n", "During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, \"where should I put my pants\"? \"Over there by mine\", was not the answer I was expecting.\n", "\n", "It Never Rains But It Pours\n", "\n", "my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes\n", "\n", "I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.\n", "\n", "The first white explorer , George Wilson Evans , entered the Lachlan Valley in 1815.\n", "\n", "Afghan troops pull out of more posts in volatile south \n", "\n", "According to Kinect, I am the controller, so whenever I lose, I throw myself on the ground and stomp on myself.\n", "\n", "A man 's property is divided equally among his children.\n", "\n", "'Silicon Saxony' worries refugee backlash could hurt business \n", "\n", "UK services firms defy global jitters, but risks lie ahead - PMI: \n", "\n", "Why do pediatricians get so frustrated? They have very little patients.\n", "\n", "Morocco arrests 10 suspected IS militants, including Frenchman \n", "\n", "therapist: laser jesus isn't real he can't hurt you\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "laser jesus:\n", "\n", "A kangaroo mouse is either one of the two species of jumping mouse native to the deserts of the Southwestern United States , predominantly found in the state of Nevada.\n", "\n", "Early in the show 's run , the celebrities would indeed have a secret.\n", "\n", "Jeff: You remember all those Jeff/Geoff jokes? I hated those\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Geoff: Yeah I reomeombeor\n", "\n", "To Have Rats In The Attic\n", "\n", "genie: first wish\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: I wish horses couldn’t talk\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "genie: umm, ok they can’t\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: this is too much power\n", "\n", "As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.\n", "\n", "Me: \"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!\" Dr: \"Sit down and I'll deal with you later\"\n", "\n", "Zambian opposition party leader arrested over illegal militia drills \n", "\n", "Since germs may remain in the water on the hands it is important to rinse well and wipe dry with a clean towel . After drying , the paper towel should be used to turn off the water.\n", "\n", "Ever had Ethiopian food? No? Neither have they.\n", "\n", "Also , in 2012 a new Harrow International School will open in Hong Kong.\n", "\n", "The roots of Armenian duduk music go back to the times of the Armenian king Tigran the Great.\n", "\n", "I worried that my addiction to helter-skelters is spiralling out of control.\n", "\n", "I don't think 1984 is very believable because it doesn't mention Duran Duran even once.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the elephant with diarrhea? It's all over town.\n", "\n", "I size zero considered 2D?\n", "\n", "Curse stones generally involved particle stones with the power to curse . One example involved turning a stone three times and saying the name of the person you wanted to curse.\n", "\n", "To be honest, safety second is usually good enough.\n", "\n", "Cameron went on to star in many films , including 1987 's Like Father Like Son , which was a box office success.\n", "\n", "The first modern shorthand systems were geometric.\n", "\n", "My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games. What a ridiculous thing to Fallout 4.\n", "\n", "Idle Folks Lack No Excuses\n", "\n", "I'm going to a deodorant party at the weekend. Roll on Saturday.\n", "\n", "my roommate is always like cooking meals or whatever and i’m always like haha mind if i sneak in here and combine my one week old rice with my two day old rice to create the perfect fourish day old rice also can i borrow your hot sauce\n", "\n", "Erasmus Darwin House , his home in Lichfield , is now a museum dedicated to Erasmus Darwin and his life 's work.\n", "\n", "“David Bowie” collection of Twitter reactions: “\n", "\n", "A boxer complains to his doctor about insomnia. Doc \"Have you tried counting sheep?\" Boxer \"Yes, but whenever I get to 9, I stand up\"\n", "\n", "When Flatterers Meet, The Devil Goes To Dinner\n", "\n", "How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.\n", "\n", "THEM: I don’t really care because it’s not affecting me personally. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: I used to be a complete dick, too.\n", "\n", "I don't go to The doctors because they Insist their profession is called a practice.\n", "\n", "Iran wants payment in euros for new and outstanding oil sales, says source. \n", "\n", "China says missing bookseller doesn't want his case hyped up \n", "\n", "I used to have a job as a drill operator. It was well boring.\n", "\n", "Everybody's Business Is Nobody's Business\n", "\n", "Why do rooms filled with married people always seem so empty? Because there's not a single person in there. #marriage\n", "\n", "[watching the sunrise]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: this is romantic\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: it's early as fuck is what it is\n", "\n", "Here's a new poem called \"At the Intersection\", which I have written in the form of a venn diagram.\n", "\n", "The sisters never saw each other again.\n", "\n", "Swiss cheese without eyes is known as `` blind . ''\n", "\n", "Two years later that promise was fulfilled when he won the Gold Medal at the 1990 International Tchaikovsky Competition in Moscow.\n", "\n", "Why did Nivea Creme? Because Max Factor.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the girl who was dating the guy with the wooden leg? She broke it off \n", "\n", "On which side do chickens have the most feathers? The outside.\n", "\n", "Went into a record shop and asked if they had anything by The Doors. He said \"yes, a plant and a fire blanket.\"\n", "\n", "I want to thank you all for coming to the service for our friend kelsey. first off *looks from casket to her parents* I wanna apologize for thinking I could do her hair and makeup\n", "\n", "Neither hypothesis actually answers the question of how life first originated , but merely shifts it to another planet or a comet.\n", "\n", "Kurdish militant attack kills three Turkish security force members: army \n", "\n", "Making another Facebook account with the name ' Nobody Actually ' to mess with people's heads when I like their statuses.\n", "\n", "What kind of weed do reptiles smoke? Mariguana.\n", "\n", "I’m on the front page of the @ocregister\n", "\n", "robber *pointing gun*: Reach for the sky!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me *crying*: That's the encouragement I needed growing up\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "robber: You can do anything\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*we kiss*\n", "\n", "Asian shares fall, safe assets shine as oil retreats \n", "\n", "A family tree is a chart representing family relationships in a conventional tree structure.\n", "\n", "What's big, green and has a trunk? An unripe elephant.\n", "\n", "What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a scarf for Christmas? Gee, you knit?\n", "\n", "Today , Generator has been remembered as one of the best albums to emerge from the early 90s punk scene , and one of the most enduring works of Bad Religion 's career.\n", "\n", "If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.\n", "\n", "PIZZA GUY: You’re total is $26.34\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: I can’t afford that\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "PIZZA GUY: Well you’ll have to pay some other way\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [takes out wallet] Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "PORN DIRECTOR: Cut\n", "\n", "U.S. releases video it says shows Iranian rockets near American warships \n", "\n", "An alternate name , Microcoryphia comes from the Greek micro meaning `` small '' and coryphia meaning head.\n", "\n", "This is the millennial car buying shift - as told by Toyota: \n", "\n", "Fat is just another word for flavor.\n", "\n", "China offers rewards for online 'terrorist' tip-offs - Xinhua: \n", "\n", "The good thing about marriage is that you can have sex at anytime you want. As long as you are the one with the vagina.\n", "\n", "Sharks may get cancer.\n", "\n", "[standing at top of stairs]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: TRUST FALL\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "grandma: NO\n", "\n", "Trump supporters are boycotting Harvard.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "That would be like me saying I’m boycotting sex with Keanu Reeves.\n", "\n", "[Me as a gynecologist]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*Knocking on the exam room door*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "WOMB SERVICE\n", "\n", "Chelsea captain Terry says to leave at end of season \n", "\n", "Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.\n", "\n", "Meowth loves round objects , as well as shiny , glittering things.\n", "\n", "Back in my day, we had NINE planets.\n", "\n", "Syria opposition rules out talks before end to air raids \n", "\n", "i like when there are blonde people in movies bc it makes it easier to tell who is related to them! simply look for the other blondes :) once you start having brunette families that’s when things get sticky\n", "\n", "My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for Christmas. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.\n", "\n", "Your nipples are older than your teeth\n", "\n", "Thousands protest against Poland's new surveillance law \n", "\n", "only 600 slim jims were made in 1992 and they just sit in gas stations\n", "\n", "Nearby , one man and a baby drowned as a result of the storm surge , and another died while attempting to cross a flooded river.\n", "\n", "A May Day celebration held annually in New Westminster , British Columbia , Canada has the distinction of being the longest running May Day celebration of its kind in the British Commonwealth.\n", "\n", "In Japan , miso soup and white rice make up the central dishes of the traditional Japanese breakfast , and so most Japanese people drink miso soup at least once a day.\n", "\n", "England start afresh, Ireland look to Best \n", "\n", "Her other four siblings are Jeb Bush , Neil Bush , Marvin Bush , and Robin Bush , who died of leukemia in 1953.\n", "\n", "The nice thing about history repeating itself is it's all automatic. You don't even have to do anything\n", "\n", "At least 23 dead as missiles hit three hospitals and a school in Syrian towns: \n", "\n", "me: so we thought the abbreviation for “pharmacy” should be RX\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "boss: very good very good [reviewing papers] by the way, do you know how to spell pharmacy \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [embarrassed] i do not \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "boss: me neither. i'm sure it's fine\n", "\n", "It's considered good luck in some cultures to find a red donut sprinkle in your slipper.\n", "\n", "This latter name comes from the kiwi - a brown flightless bird and New Zealand 's national symbol , and also a colloquial name for the New Zealand people.\n", "\n", "An empty square is written either using underscores , spaces , or nothing at all.\n", "\n", "I worked as a stand up comedian in a old peoples home once. None of them understood my jokes but they still pissed themselves.\n", "\n", "How do you stop a dog from barking in the back seat of a car? Put it in the front seat.\n", "\n", "Better Be Born Lucky Than Rich\n", "\n", "Russian firepower helps Syrian forces edge toward Turkey border \n", "\n", "I´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back asks: do you want to see your family again? I said \"no\". We both had a good laugh.\n", "\n", "Made an unexpected friend while working Instacart today\n", "\n", "He also finished first team all-ACC during his final two college seasons.\n", "\n", "He also rode in the Vuelta a España for the first time , collecting two stage victories and 33rd place overall.\n", "\n", "Not to sound too egotistical, but I’m clearly the most mature person crying in this Chuck E Cheese ball pit.\n", "\n", "GUYS ED SHEERAN GOT HOT\n", "\n", "this is Ross. don't be a Ross\n", "\n", "Asia stocks edge up after Wall Street gains on crude surge \n", "\n", "Tampax jokes just aren't funny! Period.\n", "\n", "It’s Daisy’s five year adoption anniversary and I had to share the first pictures I ever took of her \n", "\n", "Why do pencils shave? To look sharp.\n", "\n", "Syrian opposition yet to decide on talks, awaits answers from U.N.'s Ban: source: \n", "\n", "I have horrible luck. The only girl in the world for me is my adopted sister.\n", "\n", "Dating men is an extreme sport\n", "\n", "North Korea activity points to possible space launch: U.S. officials \n", "\n", "[job interview]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"Tell me one of your weaknesses\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I can be very stubborn\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"Will you please elaborate?\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I will not\n", "\n", "God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.\n", "\n", "My wife was addicted to mud wrestling. She's been clean now for 6 months.\n", "\n", "I'm 36 but have the body of an 18-year-old. The police are pretty upset about it.\n", "\n", "What time is it when you see an elephant sitting on your tv? Time to buy a new tv.\n", "\n", "What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.\n", "\n", "Human rights group says scores of Syrian government forces killed fighting Islamic State: \n", "\n", "Have you guys heard the story about the butter? You know what, never mind. I don't want to spread it around. \n", "\n", "The awards were first held in 2001.\n", "\n", " He’s a paniac, paniac at the disco \r", "\r", "\r\n", "And he’s panicking like he’s never panicked before\n", "\n", "New Territories is one of the three main regions of Hong Kong , alongside Hong Kong Island and the Kowloon peninsula.\n", "\n", "Do you ever get half way through eating a horse and you realise you weren't as hungry as you thought?\n", "\n", "Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? He doesn't want the world to know he's been making out with chickens.\n", "\n", "Trains run every two minutes during peak periods.\n", "\n", "Samsung's new Galaxy phones short on innovation in a tough 2016 \n", "\n", "What do women and Google have in common? They both can't ever let you finish a sentence without making a suggestion.\n", "\n", "The wing primaries and tail are strongly barred with black , sky-blue and white.\n", "\n", "A Cracked Bell Can Never Sound Well\n", "\n", "Every Barber Knows That\n", "\n", "Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate\n", "\n", "S&P 500 and Dow extend lossses past 2 percent mark. \n", "\n", "Britain says Russia trying to carve out mini-state for Assad in Syria \n", "\n", "I cannot afford to waste my time making money\n", "\n", "What day do penguins hate most? Casual Fridays\n", "\n", "Brother of ex-Chinese official sharing golf secrets in U.S., not state secrets - attorney \n", "\n", "Blakey was born in Pittsburgh , Pennsylvania.\n", "\n", "A few species live in deep water , as deep as 6,000 m.\n", "\n", "pirate walks into a bar and barman says\" you have a steering wheel In your pants\"the pirate said:Argh and it's been driving me nuts all day\n", "\n", "The novel was chosen by Time magazine as one of the 100 best English-language novels from 1923 to 2005.\n", "\n", "If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.\n", "\n", "It is not known how much , if any , of this story is true , but historians do know that China was the first civilization to use silk.\n", "\n", "Kid: Mom, watch this! *does the floss*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Oh yeah, watch this! *breaks my hip*\n", "\n", "Syria peace talks hinge on U.N. envoy's answers. Find out more: \n", "\n", "Jehovah's Witness' don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like random strangers coming to their door.\n", "\n", "Hero of Egypt's uprising feels rejected five years on: \n", "\n", "I was struggling to work out how lightning works. Then it struck me.\n", "\n", "Women are like fine wines. You can get them cheaper if you go abroad.\n", "\n", "What do you call a wizard who's running late for the Hogwarts Express? Hurry Potter.\n", "\n", "A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass. The doctor described his condition as stable.\n", "\n", "Pi Day and Pi Approximation Day are two holidays held to celebrate the mathematical constant pi.\n", "\n", "How many SEO experts does it take to change a lightbulb? lightbulbs buy light bulbs neon lights sex porn\n", "\n", "The alternative seemed to be biogenesis : that every living thing came from a pre-existing living thing.\n", "\n", "PM Cameron implores London Mayor Boris not to join EU leave campaign \n", "\n", "Someone robbed a Pensacola Walmart of 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.\n", "\n", "A guy walks into a bar. He's an alcoholic and it's slowly killing his family.\n", "\n", "Seiko Holdings is one of the three core companies of the Seiko Group.\n", "\n", "5/4ths of people have problems with fractions.\n", "\n", "nasa: why do u want to be an astronaut\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "johnny appleseed: space trees\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "nasa: what?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "johnny appleseed: [filling rocketship with apple seeds] space trees\n", "\n", "Stuck in limbo, Mauritania's Syrian refugees dream of the West \n", "\n", "Knock Knock! Trick or Treat? What've you come as? A Werewolf. You've got normal clothes on? Well it's not a full moon yet, is it, dickhead?\n", "\n", "France's Fabius leaves office, reshuffle due \n", "\n", "\"What did Rick Astley say to his virginity? Never gonna give you up!\"\n", "\n", "The main difficulty of water wheels was their inseparability from water.\n", "\n", "U.S. Justice Scalia, conservative icon, dead at 79 \n", "\n", "Why can Mario smash bricks with his head but dies when he gets touched by a turtle?\n", "\n", "A bargain is something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist.\"\n", "\n", "Ian attempted to make ammends but Katie still held bad feelings towards him.\n", "\n", "Early To Bed And Early To Rise Makes A Man Healthy, Wealthy And Wise\n", "\n", "Nigeria to launch new investigation of 2014 kidnap of Chibok girls by Boko Haram: \n", "\n", "Today, I will prove that ghosts are actually a liquid.\n", "\n", "The speed I drive my car is related to the type of music I'm listening to.\n", "\n", "[On the Oregon trail] \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Doctor: You have dysentery \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Yeah I had that before we left\n", "\n", "imagine knowing a guy named travis\n", "\n", "Five starve, dozens more at risk, in Syria's besieged Madaya: U.N. \n", "\n", "What do you call a sleepwalking nun?A roamin' Catholic.\n", "\n", "An egotist is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.\n", "\n", "Friend: try this. It tastes terrible \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, who dislikes myself: ok\n", "\n", "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.\n", "\n", "Almost every single Pokémon move is also of one of these types.\n", "\n", "Popcorn is probably my favorite food that explodes before you eat it.\n", "\n", "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.\n", "\n", "I talk a lot of shit for someone who's only halfway through the second Harry Potter movie.\n", "\n", "I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: 'that's a little condescending'.\n", "\n", "The empty line must consist of only and no other whitespace.\n", "\n", "Thinking about surprising my husband with this for Dinomite Day\n", "\n", "Another reason is that if a person 's surname is well known due to their particular family 's history , he or she may choose to keep his or her birth surname . Yet another is the identity crisis people may experience when giving up their surname.\n", "\n", "British nurse who recovered from Ebola back in hospital: \n", "\n", "Doctor: [hiding behind couch] how was work today honey?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Teacher: a student gave me an apple :)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Doctor: [muttering] of course they did\n", "\n", "In the last portion of the third chapter , Mahesvara alone is said to pervade reality and shine in every heart of man.\n", "\n", "Two years later , on the first night of the 1969 festival , the concert hall was destroyed by fire.\n", "\n", "Why Trump's determination to sleep in his own bed every night is raising eyebrows: \n", "\n", "To steal from one is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.\n", "\n", "What did the Italian say when the eel swam by? That's a Moray.\n", "\n", "A girl went into the doctor's office with a strawberry up her ass. The doctor said I've got some \"cream\" for that.\n", "\n", "The Work of Director Justin Staggs - Music Video Reel \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Please RT and follow for the latest on my projects.\n", "\n", "The scope of a license may vary.\n", "\n", "I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin all day.\n", "\n", "There are two kinds of persons: The one that divide all people in two part, and then the other that don't.\n", "\n", "It was nominated for the Best First Novel Agatha Award in 2007.\n", "\n", "Double suicide bomb attack hits school in northern Cameroon - local official\n", "\n", "I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.\n", "\n", "Where migrants are prey - Reuters investigates the migrant crisis\n", "\n", "Watched a blonde staring at an orange juice for 20 minutes, finally asked her what she was doing and she said it said \"concentrate\"\n", "\n", "Aston Martin to develop electric car with China's LeEco: \n", "\n", "Millard said that he expected the new album to be punkier than the last album.\n", "\n", "Parents who’ve owned homes for 30 years when I tell them how much I pay for rent: Jesus at that rate you should just be paying a mortgage! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, leaning in very very close: I fuckin know it\n", "\n", "Me [pulling weeds]: I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, please don’t be mad at me I’m sorry\n", "\n", "alright whomst on here knows a lot about bicycles and wants to answer an ungodly amount of dumb questions from me, a complete idiot?\n", "\n", "Two of three wrestlers , Shane McMahon and Kurt Angle , had never wrestled a match for WCW or ECW.\n", "\n", "In Coptic , the words piaro or phiaro meaning `` the river '' come from the same ancient name.\n", "\n", "Venezuela sending new proposals to OPEC, non-OPEC producers \n", "\n", "Australian Cabinet minister resigns over unofficial China trip \n", "\n", "I love the anonymity of the Internet. I could be tweeting this naked and you would never know.\n", "\n", "I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end\n", "\n", "Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg , a 45-letter alternative name for this body of fresh water , is often cited as the longest place name in the United States and one of the longest in the world.\n", "\n", "The film features a new Oasis song also called `` Lord Don't Slow Me Down '' , written by Noel Gallagher and recorded during the Don't Believe the Truth sessions , Gallagher described it as being `` one of the best things , like The Who , The Yardbirds and the Jeff Beck Group combined , and it 's got two drum solos on it ! ''.\n", "\n", "The habitable zone is the intersection of two regions that must both be favorable to life ; one within a planetary system , and the other within a galaxy.\n", "\n", "god: [creates dog] perfect my work here is done\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dog: [hands god crumpled picture of human] make me friends\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "god: they'll destroy everything\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dog: they wouldn't do that to me\n", "\n", "[ordering from the dollar menu]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: I'll have 7 dollars plz\n", "\n", "If a wipe down my vacuum with a paper towel.. That makes me a vacuum cleaner.\n", "\n", "[my papercut slowly heals over the course of two weeks]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ᶦ ᵃᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ᵂᵒˡᵛᵉʳᶦⁿᵉ\n", "\n", "Sure sex is great but have you ever stayed home all day on a weekend and done nothing at all\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the bastard frog? It was a tad unexpected. \n", "\n", "I went to a legless disco last night. It was crawling with fanny.\n", "\n", "How do you make a sausage roll? Push it down a hill.\n", "\n", "[First date at an aquarium]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: if I opened a seafood restaurant I would serve a sharkuterie board\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: SHARK-uterie\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: uhh\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *under breath* ᵗʰᶦˢ ᵈᵃᵗᵉ ᶦˢ ᶠˡᵒᵘⁿᵈᵉʳᶦⁿᵍ\n", "\n", "All medicines have one side effect in common: Reduction in disposable income.\n", "\n", "Have you noticed she says she’s getting her hair done, but it never seems to be finished? Maybe keep an eye on that.\n", "\n", "Liljeberg 's mother was relatively young when Rebecka was born , and Liljeberg 's parents divorced when she was one year old.\n", "\n", "“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.”\n", "\n", "No walking into bar jokes or I’ll beat all of your ass\n", "\n", "Business Before Pleasure\n", "\n", "Iran frees U.S. sailors with start of nuclear deal in sight \n", "\n", "The first recorded use of coral as a color name in English was in 1513.\n", "\n", "[worried my date isn't enjoying her meal] is it not \"finger lickin' good\"?\n", "\n", "The 1989 Formula One season was the 40th FIA Formula One World Championship season.\n", "\n", "Time to fuck shit up.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*Falls asleep*\n", "\n", "Several years ago I came up with the idea of writing a play about the movement to eliminate pay toilets. I've been sitting on the idea for a number of years, but I feel I can stall no longer.\n", "\n", "Jared Fogle of Subway started and ended his career the same way. Trying to get into smaller pants.\n", "\n", "I used to live in a tyre, but it got a puncture. Now I just live in a flat.\n", "\n", "The riot continued into the early morning , until police used fire brigade water hoses to disperse the crowd.\n", "\n", "if you stand up while masturbating it counts as cardio\n", "\n", "Never go fishing with Skrillex, he always drops the bass.\n", "\n", "What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA\n", "\n", "Trying to figure out why suicidal pilots wear helmets.\n", "\n", "Fears of illiberal Central Europe axis may be overblown \n", "\n", "I once had an Internet girlfriend, but things just didn't click.\n", "\n", "Campaigning in style: How Jeb Bush blew through his warchest \n", "\n", "One dead as FBI arrests Oregon occupation leader and others \n", "\n", "He That Will Not When He May, When He Will He Shall Have Nay\n", "\n", "I walk by the clock to pass the time.\n", "\n", "Fucking hate it when someone says \"sleep well\". Yeah I was gonna hit my head on the bedside table and shit myself a couple of times, but that's a much better idea, cheers.\n", "\n", "[night of the purge]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [loading the dishwasher]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "man: *peeking out from safe room* uhhh, what are you doing\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: please just let me have this *putting on an apron* it's the only time i can feel like a homeowner\n", "\n", "Of course gay men dress well. They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.\n", "\n", "Putin's top security adviser says U.S. is after Russia's minerals \n", "\n", "Death (beckoning to humanity): COME... IT IS THE END OF DAYS\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Greg, the Hell temp who never takes things seriously: lmao you mean nights?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Death: *rubs temples* Greg why are you even here\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Greg: there was an extra horse\n", "\n", "Haiti PM to resign so consensus government can be formed: sources \n", "\n", "Why did the Native American sleep in the hotel lobby? He didn't have a reservation.\n", "\n", "My 4yo demanded cheesecake for breakfast but since I’m the adult I had no choice but to use my car and my debit card to take us to the nearest bakery.\n", "\n", "BBC bosses unaware of star's sex crimes, but culture flawed - report\n", "\n", "I was so upset the day I found my first grey hairs. I thought I'd dye.\n", "\n", "For a list of institutions named after the Sacred Heart , see Sacred Heart.\n", "\n", "Asia stocks skid as crude fails to sustain bounce \n", "\n", "His particular interest was bird behavior , especially the courtship of water birds.\n", "\n", "Ryanair says to cut Italian routes, jobs, blames government passenger tax \n", "\n", "The genre in its current form dates back to the early 1950s.\n", "\n", "Got a text saying “Get 50% OFF Pizza When You Spend £30+”. A trick, obviously. Soon as you reach, say, £32 your bill drops to £16 so it goes back to full price so you have to order more food to trigger the discount anyway long story short who would like a large vanful of pizza?\n", "\n", "China guides yuan higher, stocks fall anyway \n", "\n", "NFL poised for L.A. move after 20 years of hard bargaining with cities. \n", "\n", "Almost every modern piano has 36 black keys and 52 white keys for a total of 88 keys.\n", "\n", "Good Words And No Deeds\n", "\n", "Russian firepower helps Syrian forces edge toward Turkey border in major offensive: \n", "\n", "What's every movie critic's favorite cooking ingredient? Michael Bay Leaves. \n", "\n", "Texas abortion case goes before shorthanded U.S. Supreme Court \n", "\n", "Chinese official expresses concern over missing Hong Kong bookseller \n", "\n", "Me: People say I've got a special way of lighting up the roomJudge: It's called arson and those people are witnesses.\n", "\n", "See Route diagram template also.\n", "\n", "The two men strip off their tops and prepare to spar.\n", "\n", "Johnny and Louise Bundy had more children , whom the young Bundy spent much of his time babysitting.\n", "\n", "Yo Mama is so fat it takes 3 warlocks to summon her.\n", "\n", "I was looking at my family tree and noticed a dog peeing on it.\n", "\n", "Scores of dismembered bodies found in Colombian jails \n", "\n", "Blizzard pounds the East Coast \n", "\n", "Ackman acknowledges mistakes in 2015, details changes in portfolio: \n", "\n", "We will be deleting our incorrect tweet. Please see our correction. \n", "\n", "My 2020 campaign will kick off with a ”deepfake” video of me seeming to appear comfortable holding a baby.\n", "\n", "[job interview]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "What's your greatest strength?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"I'm a people person\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Excellent. Any weaknesses?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"I hate them\"\n", "\n", "What's the difference between a dog and a fox? About 9 pints\n", "\n", "Mating takes place in the afternoon to early evening , and egg-laying begins at night.\n", "\n", "About to watch a film with my girlfriend. Can anyone recommend a girlfriend?\n", "\n", "\"I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as heck.\"\n", "\n", "UK fraud prosecutor extradites fugitive from South Africa \n", "\n", "And it looks really great to me.\n", "\n", "Me: I’m taking the dog for a you-know-what. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Husband: a w-a-l-k?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My dog:\n", "\n", "What is the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? The rooster clucks defiance.\n", "\n", "The full name of the dish is ratatouille niçoise.\n", "\n", "if you quoted this tweet saying \"I'm Frankie\" you are very funny and very clever\n", "\n", "When my mate gave me a leaflet about anger management..I lost it.\n", "\n", "Though poverty was rampant the Green daughters wrote friends asking for any amount money they could give.\n", "\n", "People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.\n", "\n", "One coulomb is the amount of electric charge transported in one second by a steady current of one ampere.\n", "\n", "In this case , a term like best before see bottom or best before see lid might be printed on the label and the date marked in a different location as indicated.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between a candle and a curry? A candle only burns at one end.\n", "\n", "There Is More Than One Way To Kill A Cat\n", "\n", "While conservation efforts may preserve some of the genetics of a species , the species may never fully recover if the natural memetics of the species is lost.\n", "\n", "In Caracas and in Valencia twice as many people view RCTV than Venevision.\n", "\n", "Lookers-On See More Than Players\n", "\n", "Michigan governor called to congressional hearing on Flint water crisis \n", "\n", "Be Swift To Hear, Slow To Speak\n", "\n", "telling the grocery bagger to leave my package of deli ham out cuz it’s for the ride home\n", "\n", "How do you drown a hipster? In the main stream\n", "\n", "I got tired of taking it on the chin..so I started swallowing.\n", "\n", "Documents show match-fixing at top level of world tennis\n", "\n", "Technology rout pushes Nasdaq to lowest close since 2014 \n", "\n", "town sheriff who just swore me in to help hunt down outlaws: *tosses me shotgun* you know how to use that thing?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *filling it with marshmallows* i think i got it\n", "\n", "Your soulmate is the person who takes care of your mental health, your heart, and your shitty attitude when you’re hungry. Ride or fry, baby.\n", "\n", "you: bastard\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: you just did \r", "\r", "\r\n", "you: I'm not going to do that\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: this joke only makes sense if you read it backwards\n", "\n", "What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre.\n", "\n", "I don't know why this bottle of whiskey tastes so good, but I'm going to get to the bottom of it.\n", "\n", "We all have that one friend who released a deadly virus\n", "\n", "If the parameter is empty or missing , it returns an empty string.\n", "\n", "In the spring of 2007 Górnik got a new sponsor - German insurance company Allianz.\n", "\n", "Assad tells Putin he's ready to help implement a cessation of hostilities in Syria\n", "\n", "How much does HSBC say Brexit could knock off sterling? \n", "\n", "Here are several recent and actual (completely undramatized) dialogues between me and Technology Itself. thank you http://audipenny.com/dialogues-with-technology-volume-1/ …\n", "\n", "This shout out is dedicated to all my blind followers: ... .. ... . .... ... .. ... .. . ..... ... ... . ..\n", "\n", "Loud explosion in Afghan capital, near Russian embassy: police \n", "\n", "Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?\n", "\n", "Me: hey guys who should we listen to \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Lumberjack: Chopin\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dog Lover: Wagner\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "The Terminator: Bach\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Captain of the Titanic: Liszt\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Hamburger Helper Guy: Handel\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Guy Confused About Female Undergarments: Brahms\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Guy Who Cooks Bees: Beethoven\n", "\n", "The Weinsteins worked with Lewis to distill the two films into one film for the US marketplace.\n", "\n", "That is , the first one that is defined and not empty.\n", "\n", "The sound that tennis players make but I'm just picking my socks up off the floor.\n", "\n", "In tight race, Cruz and Trump make final appeals to Iowans \n", "\n", "Why can't Jesus eat a cheeseburger? Because he's dead.\n", "\n", "Me: Sorry boss can't come in today my car has broken down. Boss: What about the bus? Me: I don't have a bus.\n", "\n", "Seven days without laughter makes one weak.\n", "\n", "The Mrs left me because of my obsession with Phil Collins. Well take a look at me now...\n", "\n", "Syrian army sees Aleppo encircled soon; rebels hope for more weapons - \n", "\n", "\"I don't need this adversity right now, I have quite enough character, thank you,\" is not a conversation I expected to have with my dishwasher tonight, but here we are.\n", "\n", "He was born in Ottawa , Illinois.\n", "\n", "me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it\r", "\r", "\r\n", "priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin\n", "\n", "Russia slaps travel ban on five U.S. officials \n", "\n", "WIFE: *reading Bible* Apparently we could be in the end times already and not even know it\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: I think we'd know\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "RADIO: And now for the number one song in America, featuring Billy Ray Cyrus!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Ohhh fuck\n", "\n", "Before Pinterest I used to drink out of cups instead of various sized jars.\n", "\n", "COMMERCIAL: you deserve a mattress that works as hard as you do\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME [who exclusively puts in the bare minimum amount of effort]: fuck\n", "\n", "Obama starts work to pick Supreme Court justice amid political 'bluster' \n", "\n", " Several dead, wounded after blast in Istanbul - Turkish TV\n", "\n", "I hit my wife in the face with a chocolate bar from 60 feet away. I've studied aerodynamics.\n", "\n", "commented “” on her instagram live and she pretended not to notice. awful start to the day\n", "\n", "It provides water to Simblee Dam , which is the water reservoir for Islamabad.\n", "\n", "Venus is the second-closest planet to the Sun , orbiting it every 224.7 Earth days.\n", "\n", "You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby\n", "\n", "Apple ordered to aid FBI in unlocking California shooter's phone \n", "\n", "RECEIVING CRITICISM: yes, that makes sense, I can see that \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "RECEIVING COMPLIMENT: you shut your lying whore mouth right now, little-Larry-lies-a-lot\n", "\n", "My father died in 1992 after a long illness. One of the last things he ever said to me was \"be excellent to each other...but party on\" thank you ed and chris\n", "\n", "I am glad technology has progressed to the point where we can take pictures that look like ones taken when technology sucked. #instagram\n", "\n", "On one adventure they find a woman 's purse in the sewer.\n", "\n", "WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "WIFES FRIEND: Why?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.\n", "\n", "What did the judge order in his whiskey? Just ice\n", "\n", "The boss says they passed over a lot of good people before they hired me.\n", "\n", "I drove past my gran's house this morning and saw 11 pints of milk on her doorstep. I thought, 'she must be thirsty today'\n", "\n", "Trump abruptly withdraws from Fox debate in Iowa \n", "\n", "These chemicals may come from bacteria or from other phagocytes already present.\n", "\n", "Every movie producer when asked if they can spare some of the budget to make a realistic looking family photo: NO\n", "\n", "SFB is the first professional ballet company in the United States.\n", "\n", " Flash tweet call \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Im nearly at 6K followers, a huge thank you and much love to my followers and twitter fam \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "send me your favourite non dialogue tweet from you or a friend ,2 hours to submit \n", "\n", "Never a day goes by that I do not think of what happened then.\n", "\n", "Bolas of three weights are usually designed with two shorter cords with heavier weights , and one longer cord with a light weight.\n", "\n", "Just…nobody\n", "\n", "When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on!\n", "\n", "The opposite of night is day.\n", "\n", "me: what's in this cocktail?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "killer: haha! cyanide\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: make it a double\n", "\n", "Why can't atheists solve exponential problems? Because they don't believe in higher powers.\n", "\n", "Brexit would not affect F1, says Ecclestone:\n", "\n", "The original name was at first ` Medico-Chirurgiska Institutet '.\n", "\n", "Periodically he would organize a new band and play a jazz festival or go on an international tour.\n", "\n", "NO OUTLET\n", "\n", "Pavlov: the dogs salivate when I ring a bell\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: weird. Why?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Pavlov: they connect two unrelated events due to repeated conditioning\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: haha stupid animals\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Pavlov: the experiment took 69 days\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: nice\n", "\n", "I hate it when I'm on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I get off and eat a bacon sandwich.\n", "\n", "HIM: Do you know what horses are?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MEDIEVAL ARTIST: Ha ha! Of course I know horkses!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HIM: Horses.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MEDIEVAL ARTIST:…Horp-horpses.\n", "\n", "France and Belgium tighten security cooperation post attacks \n", "\n", "i’m very sorry to every guy i’ve accidentally ghosted because the thought of physically opening your message seemed like too much effort to me\n", "\n", "What do you call it when batman skips church? Christian Bale.\n", "\n", "ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: ...so that’s a no\n", "\n", "I've finally stopped drinking for good. Now I drink for evil\n", "\n", "My mother-in-law got ambushed by 6 men who starting punching her. My wife shouted 'Are you gonna help?', I said '6 should be enough!'\n", "\n", "Interviewer: Strengths?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Punctuality\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Interviewer: Weaknesses? \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me [alarm clock sounds & I snort cocaine off of a knife blade]: NONE\n", "\n", "[Afterlife] \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bird 1: All he had was one rock.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bird 2: His aim was perfection.\n", "\n", "Twilight Comes Twice is a children 's book of free verse written by Ralph Fletcher and illustrated by Kate Kiesler.\n", "\n", "Every Bean Has Its Black\n", "\n", "This makes Forestle one of the few web search sites that are green certified.\n", "\n", "Our kids always find their Christmas presents early, no matter where we hide them.So this year we've locked them in the attic..\n", "\n", "Chad appoints new prime minister two months before election \n", "\n", "What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.\n", "\n", "Egypt court clears policeman over 2011 torture, killing case \n", "\n", "Truck bomb attack by Kurdish militants kills 6, wounds 39 in southeast Turkey \n", "\n", "White is regarded by many as England 's first ecologist and one of the founders of modern respect for nature.\n", "\n", "I hate it when my neighbor's kids cry at night. Maybe I should give them back.\n", "\n", "How do color blind people see porn? In fifty shades of gray. \n", "\n", "A songbird is a bird belonging to the suborder Passeri of the perching birds.\n", "\n", "Ivory Coast ex-president's trial to begin, in test for Hague court \n", "\n", "Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.\n", "\n", "Me: I’d like to report a gas leak. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "911: Ok, can you tell me where it’s located? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, giggling: In my butt.\n", "\n", "Masturbation is great if you can pull it off\n", "\n", "I was walking along today, and on the road I saw a small dead baby ghost. Although thinking about it, it might have been a handkerchief.\n", "\n", "[first cowboy ever] haha yaaaaay!\n", "\n", "What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.\n", "\n", "Make sure the soil is damp and well draining.\n", "\n", "My mate just spent £30 on a chicken that doesn't lay eggs. Cock.\n", "\n", "No one:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Nipples: IS IT COLD IN HERE BECAUSE IT SEEMS COLD IN HERE IS ANYONE ELSE COLD\n", "\n", "I never make mistakes, I thought I did once.. but I was wrong.\n", "\n", "I bet the guy who named all the rappers is just tall\n", "\n", "I’ve heard of pre-marriage counseling but I really feel like we should go in for a tune up before we pack this car for vacation.\n", "\n", "Zard did not sell their next two singles well.\n", "\n", "Asian shares slip as bank fears add to global gloom \n", "\n", "Student tortured and killed in Egypt given funeral at home in Italy \n", "\n", "If you would like to experiment further , please use the sandbox instead.\n", "\n", "If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called Algorithms.\n", "\n", "France's Sarkozy urges party unity, lags behind popular rival \n", "\n", "China's Xinhua: North Korea nuclear test runs counter to goal of denuclearisation \n", "\n", "California narrowly upholds key policy for solar growth \n", "\n", "12k has three sublabels.\n", "\n", "[desert island]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: look!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: what?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: a boat!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: HEEEEEELP!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *writing* day 287, she's still afraid of boats\n", "\n", "Israel feels the heat of U.S., EU and U.N. criticism \n", "\n", "Remind your kid every now and then that you know what it takes to be cool by calling something “the bomb dot com.”\n", "\n", "My wife says she's leaving me because of my addiction to antidepressants. Won't be needing them anymore then.\n", "\n", "See also Blossom.\n", "\n", "Just got a text 'I'm so dirty. I need you to do me right now'. Unfortunately it was from the dishes in my sink.\n", "\n", "Pena was born in Hyannis , Massachusetts.\n", "\n", "Late-day buying could be start of turnaround \n", "\n", "Baltimore judge orders officer to testify against other officers in second Gray death trial: \n", "\n", "He has won five Olympic gold medals , the most won by any Australian , and in 2001 he became the first person to win six gold medals in one World Championship.\n", "\n", "Iraqis running out of food and medicine in besieged Falluja \n", "\n", "Short Debts (Accounts) Make Long Friends\n", "\n", "This went into many editions and translations in later years , and became a standard reference work for scientists in many disciplines.\n", "\n", "Me: if you love someone set them free\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: where’s the baby?\n", "\n", "French identify another Paris attacker via DNA from body parts: \n", "\n", "I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.\n", "\n", "I told my doctor that every time I cross into another country I have to get drunk. He said I was border-line alcoholic.\n", "\n", "Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked, \"What's on the TV?\". I said \"Dust!\".\n", "\n", "My wife left me for a midget the other day. This broke my heart, I couldn't believe she would stoop so low..\n", "\n", "Wife: germs last on paper money for up to 27 days! Husband: *opens empty wallet* don't worry, we're safe.\n", "\n", "Israel says Sudanese who wounded soldier was Islamic State sympathizer \n", "\n", "Ghani nominates new Afghan interior minister, attorney general \n", "\n", "Captain Kirk: I never knew you had a twin. What's he do? His name?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Spock: He's an art teacher for the Vulcan Academy. His name's Smock.\n", "\n", "Dozens killed, wounded in Afghanistan suicide attacks \n", "\n", "What is it called when I pay people off not to call it bribery?\n", "\n", "I wanna kiss Tom Cruise in the mouth. Tom if you dont take this offer your scared and you will never live it down.\n", "\n", "Just saw a blonde driving a smart car. I could make a joke out of this...\n", "\n", "How many WASP's does it take to screw in a light bulb? Silly, WASP's don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.\n", "\n", "Why did the alien leave the party? Because the atmosphere wasn't right.\n", "\n", "Went swimming. Had a wee in the deep end. Lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.\n", "\n", "I got the chips for my Super Bowl party. The dips should be arriving any minute.\n", "\n", "I’m sorry.\n", "\n", "Top Vatican cardinal says never raised abuse concerns with superiors \n", "\n", "Nigerians have image problem abroad, hampers emigration to West: president \n", "\n", "What's the difference between iron-man and iron woman? One is a superhero and the other is a command.\n", "\n", "Small plane with 21 on board missing in Nepal \n", "\n", "The only time you would ever would want to wear a vegetable costume is in a gladiator stadium full of carnivores\n", "\n", "My girlfriend thinks I'm a workaholic, to prove her wrong, I only worked a double shift on the weekends instead of a triple.\n", "\n", "Carcass of fifth sperm whale washes up in eastern England: \n", "\n", "Thousands marry in mass ceremony in South Korea \n", "\n", "They made only one stop on the way , at the Cape of Good Hope.\n", "\n", "To Treat Somebody With A Dose Of His Own Medicine\n", "\n", "I've been arrested again for shoving a Pringles® Salt & Vinegar can into the pneumatic bank teller tube and then doing a large burnout\n", "\n", "To Cook A Hare Before Catching Him\n", "\n", "Iraq to start Mosul offensive against IS in first half of 2016: Minister \n", "\n", "doc: the good news is you’re dying\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: omg wtf is the bad news then\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "doc: it’s going to be an excruciatingly long time from now\n", "\n", "Niagara Falls is divided into the Horseshoe Falls and the American Falls.\n", "\n", "EU refines UK offer, up to Cameron now to clinch deal \n", "\n", "Great minds don't think alike, great minds just think.\n", "\n", "Have you ever noticed razor blades taste just like blood?\n", "\n", "This would be the last relocation of an NHL team until 1993.\n", "\n", "When it comes to anagrams, I don't know my earholes from my arsehole.\n", "\n", "India, France sign Rafale fighter plane accord, but talks on price to go on \n", "\n", "Let us live crowned with glory ... or swear to die gloriously.\n", "\n", "Venezuela Congress plans to investigate PDVSA, China loans \n", "\n", "North Korea satellite in stable orbit but not seen transmitting: U.S. sources - \n", "\n", "Crises give Eritrea routes for closer global engagement \n", "\n", "Vampyromorphida is an order of cephalopods comprising one extant species and many extinct taxa.\n", "\n", "Libya military makes further gains in Benghazi \n", "\n", "How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.\n", "\n", "Like much of the Abbottabad area , the terrain and layout of land make Baldheri a very beautiful place , with fresh water streams running down from the hills and mountains.\n", "\n", "ahead of pride month Trump’s administration put a ban on embassy’s flying pride flags. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "so as of today, I am now the owner of Hell, Michigan. I bought the whole town. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "And my first act as owner, I have renamed my town to Gay Hell, MI. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "The only flags allowed to fly are pride.\n", "\n", "Though not convinced , Wozzeck gives her some money and leaves.\n", "\n", "Sheep sound 3.\n", "\n", "Suicide bomber kills 10 people, mainly Germans, in Istanbul \n", "\n", "Loves the time of year when things that blow up are legal.\n", "\n", "I can see no end, I have no control, I have no home and there's no escape. Definitely need a new keyboard.\n", "\n", "\"Why did the fat guy say to the midget? Don't be short with me or I'll eat you!\"\n", "\n", "The best-known precious metals are the coinage metals gold and silver.\n", "\n", "*literally anyone approaches*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: look at this motherfucker\n", "\n", "If it doesn’t look like someone just took you out of a high chair when you’re done eating, did you even enjoy your meal?\n", "\n", "Militants launch largest attacks in months on Baghdad outskirts \n", "\n", "Let’s face it, we’ve all lied or cheated or held a bank manager hostage. It doesn’t make us ‘bad people.’\n", "\n", "A Hungry Man Is An Angry Man\n", "\n", "What's the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is using a feather; kinky is using the whole chicken.\n", "\n", "The first encore is a fast polka.\n", "\n", "From a viewpoint about one kilometre before the top of the pass , one can see the Swat Canal in the valley below.\n", "\n", "Just met Jurgen Klopps little brother. Klippety\n", "\n", "to the gentleman whose tailgating my ass, would it be easier for you to park your car and come sit in my passenger seat? im trying to pick a youtube video to watch and you’re very distracting.\n", "\n", "\"Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me \r", "\r", "\r\n", "TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!\"\n", "\n", "My gambling addiction cost me my marriage! Or, as I like to think of it, won me a divorce\n", "\n", "Did North Korea fake its sub-launched missile test? \n", "\n", "My grandfather had his tongue shot off in the war. He never talked about it though.\n", "\n", "doc: \"your dad's been in a coma for 9 days, we're running out of ideas\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: \"let me try\" [goes to adjust thermostat]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dad: [opens one eye]\n", "\n", "U.S. may conduct air strikes against Islamic State in Libya again - Pentagon spokesman. \n", "\n", "When u tryna be cheesy but everyone around u is laughtose intolerant.\n", "\n", "Usually , a MSAD comprises one larger town and one or more smaller towns.\n", "\n", "Indonesia says attack underlines emergence of Islamic State threat \n", "\n", "New global crisis likely without reform - ex-BoE governor King \n", "\n", "I've just had a ploughman's lunch. He wasn't very happy about it.\n", "\n", "Dinner is the name of the main meal of the day.\n", "\n", "me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}\n", "\n", "in a weird turn of events the robbers are making glass breaking sounds with their mouths. now here comes a guy doing siren noises. busted.\n", "\n", "A cartoon avatar on Twitter doesn't mean I'm a white dude. I could be anyone. For example, not a white dude. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Anyway, here's Wonderwall.\n", "\n", "My ex-wife believed marriage should be between a man, a woman, her mother, her sisters, & the neighbors across the street.\n", "\n", "Precum should be called prenut butter\n", "\n", "I have no taste in women, but beside that fact, I like you.\n", "\n", "Let Every Man Praise The Bridge He Goes Over\n", "\n", "This was the first time Europe had achieved three successive victories.\n", "\n", "We’ve all got to be good at something but for a lot of you this doesn’t appear to be it\n", "\n", "Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady\n", "\n", "[to my students] mistakes are how we learn \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[to myself] you stupid fuckin moron\n", "\n", "If you don't , many other administrators do - ask on the or on.\n", "\n", "Six women bravely told me what it's like to discover that you've been deepfaked into porn: http://huffp.st/06uf4Ts \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"These things are so horribly believable,\" one said. “It’s grotesque to know it lives out there and there’s nothing I can do.”\n", "\n", "The building is now Grade One listed.\n", "\n", "18 killed in car bomb against Syrian insurgents in southern province Quneitra: monitor \n", "\n", "A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, \"Where were you between four and six?\" I said, \"Kindergarten.\"\n", "\n", "I used to know a joke about the hippocampus, but I forgot it.\n", "\n", "Four soldiers killed in two separate attacks in northern Mali \n", "\n", "None of these units survived long enough in British Rail ownership to be allocated a TOPS class.\n", "\n", "happy birthday to everyone except donald trump\n", "\n", "Of all the zoo animals, the most faithful is the penguin, which mates for life. The most treacherous? The Rhinoceross. He’s always like “we were on a break!” But we were NOT on a break, Rhinoceross. WE WERE NOT ON A BREAK.\n", "\n", "ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "WIFE: A WHAT?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Shhh, you'll make him nervous\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*\n", "\n", "Hollywood Pictures is one of The Walt Disney Company 's several alternate movie divisions.\n", "\n", "It'll be super awkward when the Germans have to come liberate the prisoners in our concentration camps.\n", "\n", "Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.\n", "\n", "First U.S. case of Zika virus in Dallas County, health officials \n", "\n", "Persuaded my wife to smuggle coke through customs by sticking it up her arseI didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge\n", "\n", "She is generally crowned by flowers and makes a speech before the dancing begins.\n", "\n", "Never \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Underestimate \r", "\r", "\r\n", "The \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Simple\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Acts of\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Care and\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Kindness\n", "\n", "And take it as a compliment.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?Snowballs.\n", "\n", " S&P 500, Dow and Nasdaq futures fall over 2 percent\n", "\n", "Some like __ END __ might also have the desired effect of doing nothing.\n", "\n", "Victims of trading scam will get back record $4.2 million says UK court \n", "\n", "College has changed a lot since the 80s. Back then the frat guys would sneak into ur bedroom and steal ur panties but now they pay for them on instagram\n", "\n", "I was at a wedding the other day. It was so moving, even the cake was in tiers. \n", "\n", "Total conducting seismic testing on Congo oil block \n", "\n", "Why does the hipster make crappy coffee? The beans are always under-ground.\n", "\n", "Me and my posse of penguins are gonna go downtown and start a riot, wanna join?\n", "\n", "Flashole: Someone who flashes you with their brights even though yours aren't on.\n", "\n", "Russia won't firm control over conventional arms in Europe while NATO boosts activity -Interfax \n", "\n", "Kosovo parliament elects new president, turns blind eye to tear gas, petrol bombs \n", "\n", "What is it called when you kill your friend? Homiecide.\r\n", "\r\n", "Or murder\n", "\n", "Tattoos, faith and caste. Meet the Ramnamis with full body tattoos: \r\n", "\n", "\n", "U.S. says prepared for military solution against Islamic State in Syria \n", "\n", "Virgin Atlantic turns flight back to UK after laser incident \n", "\n", "U.N. envoy discusses ceasefire, aid with Syrian foreign minister: spokesman \n", "\n", "Asia trade deal puts honey exporter in sweet spot for Obama speech \n", "\n", "Not saying I'm proud of this, but I just accused my gf of hiding my prunes. I'll let you know if she breaks up with me.\n", "\n", "Investors look to Fed, earnings for direction next week \n", "\n", "Since my mate had his neck brace fitted he's never looked back.\n", "\n", "It is similar to in the way that it has support for many parameters.\n", "\n", "genie: first wish\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: I wish horses couldn’t talk\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "genie: umm, ok they can’t\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: this is too much power\n", "\n", "What's the difference between pink and purple? The grip.\n", "\n", "Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely\n", "\n", "Today , the Escalade and Escalade EXT pickup are two of only three Cadillac vehicles made outside of the United States.\n", "\n", "War crimes should not be part of any Syria amnesty: U.N. rights boss \n", "\n", "There are two things that always make me jump..My legs.\n", "\n", "Why did Dave Grohl buy such a tall house? He wanted to make sure he was getting the best, the best, the best, the best-a view.\n", "\n", "French PM Valls says new government to keep up reforms \n", "\n", "There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.\n", "\n", "don't judge a book by its movie.\n", "\n", "They are one of the two groups of gods , the other being the Vanir.\n", "\n", "I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits.He said \"How flexible are you?\". I said \"I can't make Tuesdays\".\n", "\n", "Oh ye of little faith, you’ve got the right idea\n", "\n", "The company later abandoned this approach in favor of attempting to make Linux applications easy to download , install and use.\n", "\n", "Guccio was responsible for designing many of the company 's products.\n", "\n", "In San Juan , Puerto Rico , the storm caused very little wind or rain.\n", "\n", "you dont have to wait thirty minutes after you eat to go swimming if you wear jorts and a tshirt\n", "\n", "Militant group sidelined as Turkey unveils plan to end Kurdish unrest: \n", "\n", "Me: it’s so nice my kid is playing so quietly\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My child, nonchalantly walking out of the kitchen:\n", "\n", "Attempted rebound in European stocks quickly fizzles: \n", "\n", "How do you keep a turkey in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow.\n", "\n", "blue jean baybay\r", "\r", "\r\n", "LA baybay\r", "\r", "\r\n", "seamstress for the baybay...\n", "\n", "I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.\n", "\n", "He That Goes A Borrowing, Goes A Sorrowing\n", "\n", "[holds ear to ground] a tiddy was here\n", "\n", "Where are average things built?In the satisfactory.\n", "\n", "Bought my mum a fridge for Christmas. You should've seen her face light up when she opened it.\n", "\n", " More than 60 people killed in suicide bombings in northern Nigeria - officials\n", "\n", "He is married and has three children.\n", "\n", "Did you hear the one about the Chinese Godfather? He made them an offer they couldn't understand.\n", "\n", "The Old Persian language is one of the two attested Old Iranian languages.\n", "\n", "I'm a social vegan. I avoid meet.\n", "\n", "Me as a teacher: ok who can tell me how to solve the problem on the board?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Student: it just says “I’m lonely”\n", "\n", "The name was announced on May 1 , 1930.\n", "\n", "Three years ago today I asked a beautiful girl to go on a date. Today I asked her to be my wife.\r\n", "She said no both times.\n", "\n", "She is best known for her role as Jal Fazer in the first two seasons of Skins.\n", "\n", "EDF's union board members could vote against Hinkley Point - sources \n", "\n", "North Korea may be readying long-range missile launch soon: Kyodo: \n", "\n", "In addition , the cows are milked in public for children to see.\n", "\n", "her: seriously, you can't get it up? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *trying to pitch a tent* just give me a little more time, karen\n", "\n", "Authorities to sweep Oregon wildlife refuge for explosives after armed standoff: \n", "\n", "All three franchises have been hockey teams , two in the ECHL and one in the IHL.\n", "\n", "Anastasia uses the wand to turn herself back to normal and then gives it to Cinderella , who revives the Fairy Godmother.\n", "\n", "However , the word taupe may often be used to refer to lighter shades of taupe today , and therefore another name for this color is dark taupe.\n", "\n", "What did the scientist say when he found two helium atoms? HeHe\n", "\n", "Another boatload of asylum seekers was taken from Christmas Island to Papua New Guinea for processing , after it was claimed that many of the adult asylum seekers threw their children into the water , apparently in protest at being turned away.\n", "\n", "Canowindra is the site of one of the world 's great fossil discoveries.\n", "\n", "How to tell if your kid is doing drugs\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "1. Are your drugs missing?\n", "\n", "What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Holy Roller\n", "\n", "BDD may co-exist with generalized anxiety disorder.\n", "\n", "I have resting worried face.\n", "\n", "I'm terrified of negative numbers. I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.\n", "\n", "I called my dad from the shop saying I'd forgotten what orange juice he asked for. \"Concentrate\" he said, but I still couldn't remember!\n", "\n", "It was first documented in 1352.\n", "\n", "Ok here is my Rapunzel impression but imagine I’m using like a microphone or something that would record audio better than a phone\n", "\n", "Them: wanna hang out on Friday?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, stressed: yeah, like the ONLY PERSON WHO CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES is just gonna take a night off\n", "\n", "Inventor: so a flying balloon\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: i'm with you\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Inventor: big flame over your head\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: sounds good\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Inventor: no steering\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: excellent\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Inventor: *snorting coke* and you're in a wicker basket\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: i'm in\n", "\n", "\"Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a cat.\" \"Oh really, how long have you felt like this?\"\"Ever since I was a kitten.\"\n", "\n", "Serbian minister dismissed over insult to journalist \n", "\n", "Hong Kong bookseller denies kidnapped by China, says to renounce UK citizenship: \n", "\n", "me: hoo-boy! *loosens belt* those were delicious! what did you say they were called?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "guy with me in nuclear bunker: rations\n", "\n", "bigfoot googling \"how to find yourself\"\n", "\n", "What does an elephant use for a vibrator? An epileptic sheep.\n", "\n", "Unidentified aircraft bombs Libya's Derna, three dead: witness \n", "\n", "ME: My anxiety is really high.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DOCTOR: Have you stopped drinking so much coff-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *airhorn noise*\n", "\n", "Ania see Pithus outside the window and Hercules goes to tell him that the village doesn't need the help of Hercules.\n", "\n", "[planning my own birthday party]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: how much for a giraffe wearing a bow tie?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "PETTING ZOO OWNER: $1200\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: ok how much for a giraffe but without the bow tie?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "PETTING ZOO OWNER: still $1200\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME (after 12 seconds of silence): tell you what...just send me the free bow tie\n", "\n", "Asian stocks struggle as oil falters, China weakens: \n", "\n", "The first one to be founded was the Arthur Ransome Club in Japan.\n", "\n", "Kurds waging campaign to uproot Arabs in north Iraq according to Amnesty report: \n", "\n", "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.\n", "\n", "Neil DeGrasse Tyson: 5 billion years from now the Sun will expand into a red giant consuming everything on Earth \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: I meant when does the last train leave 𝘵𝘰𝘯𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵\n", "\n", "Her duty is to begin the May Day celebrations.\n", "\n", "My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee...\n", "\n", "What's the best way to catch a rabbit?Hide in the bushes and make lettuce noises.\n", "\n", "happy anniversary to this pride tweet\n", "\n", "Migrants stranded in Greece by taxi, tractor protests \n", "\n", "Married men live longer than single men, but they are more willing to die.\n", "\n", "Approximately three months after WrestleMania , Nikolai Volkoff and Iron Sheik lost the WWF Tag Team Championship back to The U.S. Express , whom they had won them from three months prior.\n", "\n", "Obama says U.S. will prevail in fight against Islamic State \n", "\n", "Mauricio Macri is the first Argentine president to join Davos in more than a decade. \n", "\n", "What is a Woman's favorite book? A checkbook.\n", "\n", "just did a macrodose. go big and stay home imo\n", "\n", "Investment banks' trading revenue declined 9 percent in 2015: survey \n", "\n", "The Vostok 1 mission was the first time anyone had journeyed into outer space and the first time anyone had entered into orbit.\n", "\n", "Spent all day looking through my U2 CD collection for my favourite song. Still haven't found what im looking for.\n", "\n", "FBI, Apple to testify on encryption before Congress on March 1.\n", "\n", "The road to Aleppo: how the West misread Putin over Syria \n", "\n", "My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.\n", "\n", "This may reflect factors such as diet and lifestyle as well as access to medical care.\n", "\n", "Spain's Socialist leader to consult party bases for support on pacts \n", "\n", "earth: I’m dying \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "humans: I’m sorry you feel that way\n", "\n", "The Tunku Abdul Rahman National Park lies on one side and Mount Kinabalu , which gave the city its name , is nearby.\n", "\n", "EU agency says bad weather deters migrant arrivals in January \n", "\n", "I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underpants looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.\n", "\n", "The first one is spiny and the second is soft.\n", "\n", " 'Affluenza' teen Ethan Couch has left Mexico City on a plane to Dallas.\n", "\n", "She thinks that Leporello is actually Giovanni.\n", "\n", "Pros of being conscious:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "-your mind is literally a podcast curated for you based on your experiences.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Cons of being conscious:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "-most of the content makes you sad\n", "\n", "An adjudicator makes an initial decision to keep a case from going to court . Although the adjudicator 's decision doesn't have the same legal weight , an adjudicator has still rendered a decision just like a judge.\n", "\n", "my nephew opens a door in my mansion labelled ‘tweet drafts” and i run to block his view but it’s too late. he’s seen the room and all it has is a chalkboard with ‘jon bon voyage’ written on it for when bon jovi dies\n", "\n", "[taco bell 2am]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*lethally stoned*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”\n", "\n", "While a young man he became fascinated with hearing the old people in the locality speak the Irish language.\n", "\n", "A nest is a place of refuge to hold an animal 's eggs and/or provide a place to live or raise offspring.\n", "\n", "One time I made eye contact with a hipster in a coffee shop and a vape cloud appeared and carried me to a thrift store.\n", "\n", "U.S. adds visa restrictions to Yemen, Somalia, Libya travelers \n", "\n", "The first guy who persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses - he must have been a hell of a salesman.\n", "\n", "The method compares words in a text to a set list of everyday words.\n", "\n", "Obama to make good on Guantanamo pledge: White House chief of staff \n", "\n", "It Is A Good Horse That Never Stumbles\n", "\n", "The two major sources of tree damage are biotic and abiotic.\n", "\n", "It may swim to safety , but some eagles drown or succumb to hypothermia.\n", "\n", "Death Pays All Debts\n", "\n", "The Monty Hall problem is a probability puzzle based on the American television game show Let 's Make a Deal . The name comes from the show 's host , Monty Hall.\n", "\n", "Tried to spice up my sex life by dipping my dong in caramel & rolling it in peanuts like a Payday bar, but I was attacked by birds, had to go the hospital, and am no longer welcome at PetSmart.\n", "\n", "nipples are just boob straws\n", "\n", " Istanbul governor's office says 10 killed, 15 wounded in Sultanahmet explosion\n", "\n", "What do u call a hilarious Mexican herb? Sillyantro\n", "\n", "Me: *Holds up drawing* is this the guy?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Witness: that looks nothing like him\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN\n", "\n", "If I do not respond to a photo of a lizard within 3 minutes you can assume I am dead.\n", "\n", "Hey baby are you a hot tub because you’re kinda gross and 20 minutes with you is about all I can stand\n", "\n", "Precum should be called prenut butter\n", "\n", "me: you’re dumping me?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: you can’t keep my name straight\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", " r e\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: but a g r t I love you!\r", "\r", "\r\n", " m a\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: that’s not my name\n", "\n", "Tightening Clinton-Sanders battle raises stakes for Democratic debate \n", "\n", "George Washington could not tell a lie, and thus would be an abject failure in politics today.\n", "\n", "Idleness Rusts The Mind\n", "\n", "Truth Comes Out Of The Mouths Of Babes And Sucklings\n", "\n", "Oil falls as rising inventories wipe out optimism over supply: \n", "\n", "About one quarter of the population were of full or predominant Maya descent , and in rural areas many did not speak Spanish.\n", "\n", "Scorpio: The advent of the new moon in Aquarius means something is admiring you from afar. Some ghastly, revolting thing.\n", "\n", "During the conversation , Willy 's brother Ben comes on stage and begins talking to Willy while Charley speaks to Willy.\n", "\n", "I went to the library and asked if they had any books on kittens. The librarian replied \"No sorry, all of our books are on shelves\".\n", "\n", "The Crinkle-collared Manucode , Manucodia chalybatus is a medium-sized , up to 36 cm long , greenish blue , black and purple glossed bird of paradise with long graduated tail , red iris and iridescent green breast feathers.\n", "\n", "Dad: it’s time we had “the talk”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: oh, I already know about dancing the forbidden polka \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: the what? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: ya know, boppin’ squiddles??\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: excuse me \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: slaying the vadragon??\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: what?!?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: disappointing the wife \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: oh sex, right\n", "\n", "My roommate's diary says I have boundary issues.\n", "\n", "Was in the gym earlier and jumped on the treadmill.people were giving me weird looks so I started jogging instead.\n", "\n", "U.N. under pressure to show it can help end Burundi violence \n", "\n", "Pope heads to Mexico's indigenous south as Catholic fervor fades \n", "\n", "baby apple: mom, i don't feel so good :(\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "mom apple: I think you have the flu\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[at the doctor's office]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "doctor: ok so where's my patient *looking up from clipboard* OH NO :'(\n", "\n", "At this time he was better known as an opera conductor than an orchestral one.\n", "\n", "Just illegally downloaded a video while here in Jamaica. Does that make me a pirate of the Caribbean?\n", "\n", "Nas: Don’t say my car’s topless/Say “the titties is out”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Literally Everybody In The World: Absolutely not\n", "\n", "If someone asks you to hang out but you don't want to go, the best way to decline is by telling them that you are busy & the worst way to decline is by writing \"NO\" in honey on their car so that it attracts bears.\n", "\n", "What kind of soup weighs 2000 lbs? Won ton soup.\n", "\n", "I've got 22 notches on my bedpost. It's not easy trying to stab somebody in the dark.\n", "\n", "\"Your underwear is too tight and very revealing\" I said to my wife. She said \"Wear your own then, dickhead\".\n", "\n", "*I tweet about the treatment of children at detention centers*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*woman responds that they shouldn’t have come here illegally*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*I respond that these children are mostly entering legally at ports of entry, seeking asylum*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*she blocks me*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "They don’t want to know. They don’t care.\n", "\n", "In 2004 campaigners behind the bid expressed disappointment that nothing had been done to take the plans forward in two years.\n", "\n", "An Ox Is Taken By The Horns, And A Man By The Tongue\n", "\n", "This is the correct tone for dealing with American journalists.\n", "\n", "It was well east of Bermuda at the time and never would get close to land.\n", "\n", "[before the invention of electricity]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "judge: I sentence you to death by the acoustic chair\n", "\n", "Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone in 1864.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "So yeah, Connor, please explain to me how 1850 called saying they want my monocle back.\n", "\n", "[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?\n", "\n", "Oil prices stabilise but market sentiment remains bearish \n", "\n", "Royalty join forces with Shakira, Messi to promote U.N. global goals \n", "\n", "It is rather those who live between two times , those who do not know what to follow , that suffer the most.\n", "\n", "Every new Macbook Pro would also include a FireWire port and all except the 17 '' models would have an SD card slot . The 17 '' model would retain its ExpressCard slot.\n", "\n", "Israeli city frets about chemical depot after Hezbollah threat \n", "\n", "*scrambling to untangle earbuds as mall kiosk guy hoverboards directly at me*\n", "\n", "Huge fire engulfs venue at 'Make in India' event \n", "\n", "It walked on four short legs and had a long body , a long tail , and feet with hoofed toes.\n", "\n", "I'm so bad at relationships even my bag for life left me.\n", "\n", "I always play fair when I make the rules.\n", "\n", "Donald Trump leads Republican field nationally by more than 20 points: Reuters/Ipsos \n", "\n", "[invetning the alphabet] \r", "\r", "\r\n", "BOSS: ok what symbol should we use for the lowercase L\r", "\r", "\r\n", "GUY WHO THOUGHT OF THE UPPERCASE I: well\n", "\n", "Cruz asks communications director to resign after video falsely depicting Rubio comments\n", "\n", "Never go to a doctors whose office plants have died.\n", "\n", "Here’s a flower because I love my country and our President is fucking scooters\n", "\n", "Argentina's Macri has strong support despite devaluation: polls \n", "\n", "Her name Hala is a common Arabic name which means halo.\n", "\n", "Top PP official resigns in Spain after corruption investigation \n", "\n", "(restaurant)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "WAITER: enjoy your dinner \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: you too\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "WAITER: *chuckles*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *pulls out chair* I said you too\n", "\n", "Two guys at the gym, one is putting on frilly knickers. \"Since when do you wear womens pants?\" \"Since my wife found them in the glovebox!\"\n", "\n", "Tube sound is the characteristic sound associated with a vacuum tube-based audio amplifier.\n", "\n", "My girlfriend said my brother is ugly, I typically wouldn't mind, but we are identical twins.\n", "\n", "me: i feel like i’m dying inside\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "dad: go outside\n", "\n", "Everyone thinks dinosaurs evolved into birds when giraffes are literally just brachiosaurus wearing cute clothes. Giraffes are tricking you WAKE UP!\n", "\n", "anyone else fake a limp while they’re calling in sick to work?\n", "\n", "The mouth is larger than that of herrings and silversides , two fish anchovies closely resemble in other respects.\n", "\n", "[in hell]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: omg is that melted cheese\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Satan: no it’s lav-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot\n", "\n", "Don't Keep A Dog And Bark Yourself\n", "\n", "A priest walks into a hotel and says \"I hope the porn is disabled.\" The front desk guy replies \"It's just regular porn you sick fuck.\"\n", "\n", "A year after 'Je suis Charlie', a divided France struggles \n", "\n", "A look at the day around the world, in \n", "\n", "His school would thus produce several such great writers of Chinese composition at that time.\n", "\n", "Got the wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking filler.\n", "\n", "Rubio sharpens attacks after latest Trump win in White House race \n", "\n", "Iran's Rouhani to visit Italy, France next week, first Europe trip after sanctions lifted \n", "\n", "In 1985 , the Bureau of Land Management drilled a new well 965 ' / 294m in depth to support the new Wiley 's Well Campground , one of only two developed campgrounds in the Mule Mountains Long-Term Visitor Area.\n", "\n", "What cheese is made backwards? Edam.\n", "\n", "Slowly removing all the toxic people in my life and it feels incredible. No longer have to put up with people telling me shit like \"you can't butter your pizza\" or \"you can't just wipe your ass once at the end of the day and call it good\".\n", "\n", "I live for my alarm clock collection. It's the only reason I get up in the morning.\n", "\n", "Libya must lead anti-Islamic State effort: Egypt's foreign minister \n", "\n", "My calculator is missing the minus button but, on the plus side, it still works.\n", "\n", "Don't put the cart before the horse\n", "\n", "I went to the doctor because everywhere I pressed hurt. Pressed my leg it hurt. My arm, it hurt. My head. Turns out I'd broken my finger.\n", "\n", "'State-of-the-art' subterfuge: how Iran kept flying under sanctions \n", "\n", "doctor: treatment is simple. go see orville, very funny clown\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "pagliacci: what about pagliacci?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "doctor: pagliacci? man i could not name a more suckass clown\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "pagliacci:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "doctor: just downright dogshit of a clown\n", "\n", "sure sex is great but have you ever slept the whole night without waking up in the middle\n", "\n", "Yo Mamma so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and its still printing.\n", "\n", "Last night i tried wife swapping for the first time, it's brilliant! I managed to get a new lawnmower for mine.\n", "\n", "anyone: calm down\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me:\n", "\n", "Iraqi air force conducting 60 percent of sorties, PM Abadi says \n", "\n", "NATO overcomes Greek-Turkish tensions to agree Aegean mission \n", "\n", "It was the first new auto assembly plant to be built in Canada in two decades.\n", "\n", "The man who invented the \"VELCRO\" died today. RIP.\n", "\n", "Obama to seek new tax on oil in budget proposal \n", "\n", "Photosynthesis is vital for life on Earth.\n", "\n", "life’s strange. one day you’re a kid who knows nothing and wears ridiculous outfits; the next, you’re an adult who knows nothing and still wears ridiculous outfits\n", "\n", "\"Torture me\" said the masochist. \"No\" the sadist smiled.\n", "\n", "Someone: Hey can you do me a favor?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me, 7 favors deep and ready to cry: Of course yes absolutely anything for you anything ok yes whazzup\n", "\n", "Because of this burn , players who are betting can not see the back of the next community card to come.\n", "\n", "The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day\n", "\n", "Scientists say there could be a reason for rain.\n", "\n", "Preamble. Is that like foreplay?\n", "\n", "Polar bears rarely live beyond 25 years.\n", "\n", "[mortal kombat voice]\n", "\n", "Cruz fires spokesman after video falsely shows rival Marco Rubio dismissing the Bible. \n", "\n", "The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.\n", "\n", "New U.S. diet rules would take 20 percent bite out of American sugar use \n", "\n", "Libya wants Western help in fight against ISIS\n", "\n", "I was gutted when my cat drowned in the washing machine. At least he died in Comfort.\n", "\n", "sometimes I eat yogurt for breakfast to really set the mood for the epic sadness that’s just ahead.\n", "\n", "My wife said I only ever want sex with her when I'm drunk. That's not true. I usually want a kebab aswell.\n", "\n" ] }, { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "So the name signifies that the town was at the head or end of a round hill.\n", "\n", "Majority of Americans support next president pushing tighter gun laws \n", "\n", "Hong Kong braces for weaker growth as \"political volatility\" strains economy \n", "\n", "A Cat In Gloves Catches No Mice\n", "\n", "Ferguson says wants to negotiate Justice Dept. reforms \n", "\n", "At last this , the best period of his life , was brought to an end indirectly , by the overthrow of the liberal monarchy of Dom Pedro II in 1889.\n", "\n", "Arizona has been the name of three ships of the United States Navy.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the burger van that crashed into the casino? There were chips everywhere.\n", "\n", "Her: Whisper something in my ear\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: [seductively] During the Middle Ages, victims of the bubonic plague were flung over castle walls using catapults\n", "\n", "Myanmar army chief to get five year extension as talks with Suu Kyi continue-media \n", "\n", "South Korea cuts off power, water into Kaesong zone in North Korea \n", "\n", "The tribe speak the Dhundi-Kairali dialect.\n", "\n", "What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years? Whitney Houston's crack pipe.\n", "\n", "I will take a moment away from making jokes. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Canada has admitted to having a current genocide against Indigenous women, girls and 2 spirited people.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "It is our national shame and we must act. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Please read this article written by my dear friend.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "There is a genocide in Canada.\n", "\n", "City colors are blue and gold.\n", "\n", "\"Last night, I was sitting so long that I had to do some stretches before I used the bathroom.\" -Corinna M\n", "\n", "The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.\n", "\n", "Why was the 6 month old African baby crying? It was having a mid life crisis\n", "\n", "Syrian Kurds plan big attack to seal Turkish border: source \n", "\n", "waiter: ketchup?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: no thanks, I brought my own\n", "\n", "The Germanic gods have left numerous traces in modern vocabulary and elements of every day western life in most Germanic language speaking countries.\n", "\n", "Foreclosure crisis snarls Clinton, Sanders' efforts to reach Nevada voters: \n", "\n", "Book penned by Canadian serial killer pulled by publisher \n", "\n", "India to build satellite tracking station in Vietnam that offers eye on China \n", "\n", "Court quashes obstruction charges against Ex-Penn State officials in Sandusky scandal \n", "\n", "Lunch! Let's see what mom packed. Hope it's not just a note that says I'm a punk ass buster. Ok it is that note again tomorrow is a new day.\n", "\n", "Tiny jellyfish swim away from the polyp and then grow and feed in the plankton.\n", "\n", "To Cry With One Eye And Laugh With The Other\n", "\n", "Alexandre Guilmant was born in Boulogne-sur-Mer.\n", "\n", "Dutch 'no' on Ukraine pact would force rethink, minister says \n", "\n", "And some of the girls who are my best friends voted against me . ''\n", "\n", "The Hồ Chí Minh Museum in Hanoi is dedicated to his life and work.\n", "\n", "Slow But Sure\n", "\n", "Purebred dogs of one breed are genetically distinguishable from purebred dogs of other breeds , but the means by which kennel clubs classify dogs is unsystematic.\n", "\n", "Did anyone wake green day up?\n", "\n", "Giving up smoking is easy...I've done it hundreds of times.\n", "\n", "How do frogs die? They Kermit suicide.\n", "\n", "Australians don't have sex, they mate.\n", "\n", "He lived mainly in Rome , where he would later die.\n", "\n", "Me: could you stop playing footloose on repeat every night\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Son: it's not me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: who is it then?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Son: the boogeyman\n", "\n", "[Italian family gathering]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Great aunt: eat EAT YOU'RE TOO THIN\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *faints from waist band being too tight*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My mom: she doesn't drink enough water [standing over my limp form] THIS IS WHY HYDRATION IS IMPORTANT\n", "\n", "The fruit typically has numerous strings , which run between the skin and inner part.\n", "\n", "\"What do we want?\"\r\n", "\"A cure for obesity!\"\r\n", "\"When do we want it?\"\r\n", "\"After lunch!\"\n", "\n", "Many states may only recognize another state if it is to their advantage.\n", "\n", "Chinese leader in Iran to discuss economy, regional crisis: state TV \n", "\n", "It is open weekday mornings without charge.\n", "\n", "Basic forms of Klondike solitaire and FreeCell come with every current installation of Microsoft Windows.\n", "\n", "Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class\n", "\n", "[repeatedly mashing elevator button]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "him: you know that doesn't make it come any quicker\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[starts licking elevator button]\n", "\n", "@breakingviews says the Fed is playing with fire on bank capital. Find out more\n", "\n", "Colfax County , New Mexico , is named after the Speaker as well.\n", "\n", "Merkel warns against border closures, says to fight for EU-Turkey plan: \n", "\n", "The company also hosts an annual holiday book drive to collect books for disadvantaged children.\n", "\n", "This should be widely known.\n", "\n", "There Is A Place For Everything, And Everything In Its Place\n", "\n", "Going to mcdonalds for a Salad is like going to a hooker for a hug.\n", "\n", "The history of Polish powiats goes back to the second half of the 14th century.\n", "\n", "Holocaust Survivors Recall Exact Day Holocaust Started Right Out Of The Blue https://trib.al/dvfKT7d \n", "\n", "Crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet, but most have just four.\n", "\n", "This excited Eisenstein , who had read and liked the work , and had met Dreiser at one time in Moscow.\n", "\n", "Want to save money on car insurance? Flee the scene!\n", "\n", "China says media ignores other claimants' weaponry in South China Sea \n", "\n", " A look at North Korea's nuclear ambitions. \n", "\n", "‘It’s the miracle of Cheesemas!’ I say as I find a second breakfast cheese in the fridge.\n", "\n", "I was talking to my mate earlier when I thought to myself, \"Why on earth are you called Earlier?\"\n", "\n", "Wife: Would you ever pay for a hooker?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I don’t even like spending more than $10 on a haircut\n", "\n", "Today , there are many successful Boeremusiek bands that have recorded albums.\n", "\n", "At least eight migrants including two children drown in sinking off Greek island: \n", "\n", "Holocaust Survivors Recall Exact Day Holocaust Started Right Out Of The Blue https://trib.al/dvfKT7d \n", "\n", "It was a quiet car ride\n", "\n", "It is a dialectical method , often involving an oppositional discussion in which the defense of one point of view is pitted against the defense of another ; one participant may lead another to contradict him or herself in some way , strengthening the inquirer 's own point.\n", "\n", "I had a bukkake party last night. It was a disaster. Nobody came.\n", "\n", "Looking into becoming a hitman, I heard those people make a killing.\n", "\n", "EU agrees not to extend sanctions on Belarus, leaves arms embargo \n", "\n", "A time traveller finds his name nearly effaced from his tombstone. \"That's my name,\" he sobs to the merciless elements, \"don't wear it out!\"\n", "\n", "He That Lives With Cripples Learns To Limp\n", "\n", "It was all about blind focus.\n", "\n", "The Arthaśhāstra identifies its author by the name Kautilya , except for one verse which refers to him by the name Vishnugupta.\n", "\n", "A cement mixer collided with a prison van. People are warned to be on the lookout for 15 hardened criminals.\n", "\n", "Becoming vegetarian is a big missed steak.\n", "\n", "Greek police arrest three Iraqi Kurds with guns, ammunition \n", "\n", "To Come Off Cheap\n", "\n", "Sometimes I can't be sure if I'm really reading a book or if I'm just performatively holding it to provide insight about my character for anybody savvy enough to Wikipedia the title.\n", "\n", "U.N.'s climate chief to quit, praises Paris agreement \n", "\n", "Juniper Networks will drop code tied to National Security Agency \n", "\n", "lA paper should be like a mini skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep it interesting.\n", "\n", "you think panera bread employees have a sense of humor? like yelling out \"who nutted in the tomato bisque\" when nobody actually nutted in the tomato bisque\n", "\n", "Global aviation had fewer fatal accidents in 'extraordinarily safe' 2015: IATA \n", "\n", "China foreign minister urges U.S. caution on missile system \n", "\n", "[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*sawing person in half*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*\n", "\n", "She was also the first woman to play full time professional hockey in a position other than goalie.\n", "\n", "\"What do cannibals like to eat on St. Patrick's Day? Corn Beef and Cabbage Patch Dolls!\"\n", "\n", "All the fanciest \r", "\r", "\r\n", "restaurants have a wall full \r", "\r", "\r\n", "of test spaghetti.\n", "\n", "UK industrial output suffers biggest drop since 2012 in December: \n", "\n", "Why did Hitler commit suicide? Because he got his gas bill.\n", "\n", "U know how In a box of chocolates there's always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. \"Put a gross one in there\" I said\n", "\n", "My pet mouse 'Elvis' died last night. He was caught in a trap.\n", "\n", "Emergency services in attendance at Didcot power plant following explosion: \n", "\n", "Maduro names young hardliner to run Venezuela's ailing economy \n", "\n", "Keeping that in mind may help you avoid becoming a `` biter . ''\n", "\n", "Do you know how many CARDIGANS I can get for the price of buying followers?! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "No thanks. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I'll gain followers the old-fashioned way: displaying questionable intelligence and anal tweets\n", "\n", "Ganz is a Canadian company best known for distributing plush animals and collectibles.\n", "\n", "her: it’s the third date\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: you know what that means \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: yep ;) \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: we’re gonna steal the declaration of independence\n", "\n", "[ant colony]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "husband: I am beat\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY\n", "\n", "Patience Is A Plaster For All Sores\n", "\n", "I think the biggest cause of dry skin is towels.\n", "\n", "People-smuggling gangs net 6 billion euros in migrant traffic to Europe: Europol \n", "\n", "If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.\n", "\n", "Pope Francis has written his first book. \n", "\n", "A pack of llamas is called a cria. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "A pack of camels is why your dad left.\n", "\n", "It may have markings or may be unmarked.\n", "\n", "A baker 's dozen , long dozen , long measure , or Roughrider 's dozen is 13 , one more than a standard dozen.\n", "\n", "Net migration to Britain rose to 323,000 in year to September 2015: data \n", "\n", "If you need attention, just ask for it. You don’t have to wear converse with your formal dress.\n", "\n", "Last night I bought an alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn't happy about it.\n", "\n", "My dog is named Minton. Today he ate a shuttlecock.. Bad Minton!\n", "\n", "What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam\n", "\n", "\"If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.\"\n", "\n", "Its county seat is New Cordell.\n", "\n", "Somali-born man handed nine years in U.S. prison for al Shabaab support \n", "\n", "Washing is one way of cleaning , namely with water and often some kind of soap or detergent.\n", "\n", "To girls who say all men are the same, nobody said you had to try them all.\n", "\n", "Developed an immunity to metaphor through overuse so to open myself up to the literal I tried using other things as keys. Entering my house with an orchid. Starting my car with a pinwheel. Everything worked like I was \"open all along\" because I'm more book than protagonist.\n", "\n", "They may also be in the public domain in other countries as well.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between light and hard? You can go to bed with a light on.\n", "\n", "This was completed later that day.\n", "\n", "Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.that way, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.\n", "\n", " Dalian Wanda clinches deal for Legendary Entertainment - source \n", "\n", "To use this template , put.\n", "\n", "You know how racist you gotta be to buy hot chocolate, in Texas, in JUNE for a wall??\n", "\n", "With the man dead the man who first made the challenge gives Hercules a peacock feather , Hera 's symbol.\n", "\n", "A Good Wife Makes A Good Husband\n", "\n", "I'm very exited to introduce this fine young actor to the world. He'll be playing the part of \"Ted\" in Bill and Ted Face the Music\n", "\n", "Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate\n", "\n", "Shoot me into the sun\n", "\n", "In the central Pacific , one hurricane and one tropical depression formed.\n", "\n", "There are two races ; the first where each team has three skaters in a race against each other and the second for the best individuals of each conference.\n", "\n", "A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, \"Fuck off, you won't bring it back.\"\n", "\n", "Wealthy TV \"experts\" are shaming millennials for buying coffee and avocado toast. But young people are broke because they’re drowning in debt and low wages.\r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", "The ruling class wants to divide the young and old to distract us from an economy that’s rigged for the richest 1%.\n", "\n", "What happens to a grape when an elephant sits on it? It lets out a little whine.\n", "\n", "Coals from a bonfire would be taken home to light the fires in family hearths , a practice thought to bring good fortune.\n", "\n", "Lawyers sometimes tell the truth. They'll do anything to win a case.\n", "\n", "Last night I saw a fat lad chatting up a fat girl. She turned him down though. She was worried he was just trying to get into her Snickers\n", "\n", "British Vogue fetes 100 years with photo exhibition \n", "\n", "interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: that’s right\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: he was there\n", "\n", "terrorists took a courthouse full of lawyers hostage.\r\n", "They threatened to release one every hour unless their demands were met.\n", "\n", "Robots are never anxious because they have nerves of steel.\n", "\n", "Irish election hopefuls spar over century-old uprising \n", "\n", "What do you see when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat minor.\n", "\n", "A Honey Tongue, A Heart Of Gall\n", "\n", "I see Boomerangs are making a comeback.\n", "\n", "Colombia says rebels must free hostages before any peace talks \n", "\n", "*Doctor finishes the exam*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"I have bad news. If you box again it will kill you\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\"I'm so mad I could pun-\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*Doctor looks over his glasses*\n", "\n", "Adjectives are declinable in similar way.\n", "\n", "New U.S. intelligence report says Islamic State weaker \n", "\n", "Mitsubishi to close U.S. auto plant after failing to find buyer \n", "\n", "The Rhine-Main-Danube Canal begins near Bamberg.\n", "\n", "Me and my friends? We’re crazy. We like to rent a private karaoke room and then post HUNDREDS and I mean HUNDREDS of videos of us singing karaoke in the private karaoke room. We’re wild as stallions, unique and drunk.\n", "\n", "This would move The Tonight Show to 12:05 am , a post-midnight timeslot for the first time in its history.\n", "\n", "Its plumage is black.\n", "\n", "Early batches were classified D3/4 and D3/5.\n", "\n", "Boeing wins contract to build new Air Force One presidential jets \n", "\n", "Informal tent cities may be set up without authorization by homeless people or protesters.\n", "\n", "I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.\n", "\n", "A shipment of Viagra was hijacked last week. Police are looking for two hardened criminals.\n", "\n", "Why did the female dog have trouble getting a gun after the background check law passed? Cuz Bitches be crazy.\n", "\n", "The Cape May Bird Observatory was founded in 1975 in Cape May , New Jersey , United States.\n", "\n", "Sophisticated listening devices are nothing new. Where I live, we call them 'neighbors'.\n", "\n", "A good friend is worth pursuing. But why would a good friend be running away from me?\n", "\n", "It cost me £5 to put air in my tyres yesterday! Oh well, that's inflation for you.\n", "\n", "My family think I spend too much time doing dot-to-dot puzzles, but it's okay..I know where to draw the line.\n", "\n", "Fight night: Rubio, Cruz gang up on Trump in debate ploy: \n", "\n", "Need a distraction? Not only does 12+1=11+2, but the letters \"twelve plus one\" rearrange to give you \"eleven plus two\".\n", "\n", "The name Camille was later retired.\n", "\n", "Two injured as explosion forces plane to turn back in Somalia \n", "\n", "I think I'll know that things in the industry have truly become equal when a WOMAN sits atop a crescent moon and drops a fishing line into the Dreamworks logo\n", "\n", "Soldier wounded in explosion will be first person in U.S. to receive a penis transplant\n", "\n", "*bringing all my worldly possessions into the hardware store* \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "let’s make this house depot a home depot\n", "\n", "My clever friend said that onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut in his face.\n", "\n", "If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?\n", "\n", "I am busy doing nothing.\n", "\n", "technically a library conference is a ravioli\n", "\n", "my aunt just created a group chat called Cheryl's Surprise Party and then left the group. i'm feeling a lot of emotions but mostly respect\n", "\n", "PM Cameron hails new EU proposals, says more work to do \n", "\n", "Apple expected to cut iPhone 6S, 6S Plus production - Nikkei \n", "\n", "If you present a cashier with the rectangular vortex of a cut out coupon, not only will you get a good discount on the negative space formerly occupied by the subject of the coupon, you will also be granted access to the cashier spirit world where buttons flutter like fireflies\n", "\n", "Aircraft strike Libya's Sabratha city, 40 killed: local official \n", "\n", "She is also the first Italian-American and first Californian to serve as Speaker.\n", "\n", "When spoken , the meanings may be distinguished by different pronunciations or they may not.\n", "\n", "I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.\n", "\n", "- What do you get when you cross a Polack and a Mongoloid with one leg? A Polaroid 1 Step\n", "\n", "\"None of those women have what I'm really looking for\".\"Oh yeah? What's that?\".\"Low Standards\".\n", "\n", "I didn’t care about Avengers but please don’t spoil the new Toy Story movie.\n", "\n", "Paramedic: she's dead. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CBD bro: did you try giving her CBD.\n", "\n", "Malaysian police open defamation probe against ex-PM Mahathir \n", "\n", "Two fish in a tank. One says to the other \"Do you know how to drive this?\"\n", "\n", "Knock, Knock. Who's there? Radio. Radio who? Radio not, here I come!\n", "\n", "What's the difference between three dicks and a joke? Your mum can't take a joke.\n", "\n", "If I grew a second head, I just know I’d be the one who doesn’t get to control the body.\n", "\n", "my pet lobster and I are sitting on the beach, watching the last rays of the sun make the sky orange and purple. \"why do people hurt each other, Susan,\" i ask, then grimace as she pinches my finger, draws blood. But it was an accident, i think, even as her claw moves to her mouth\n", "\n", "My wife said she's leaving me because she can't handle my OCD. \"Close the door ten times on your way out,\" I said.\n", "\n", "me: can i get a chalupa supreme?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "tacobell drivethru: ok. wud that be it?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: lol no...[deep breath in]\n", "\n", "The wife insists we need more garden furniture. Not sure if I agree. I'm on the fence.\n", "\n", "In March 1939 , Aberdeen changed the black and gold colors to red and white , reflecting the silver and red colors of the official City of Aberdeen arms.\n", "\n", "First person to eat a banana: this is not good\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "First person to peel a banana: dude guess what\n", "\n", "WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Okay\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[later]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "WIFE: What the hell?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[dog walks by in a tuxedo]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: He's getting married, Karen\n", "\n", "Former top Sarkozy aide under investigation in polls case \n", "\n", "A leader of the Kalash , Saifulla Jan , has stated , `` If any Kalash converts to Islam , they can't live among us anymore.\n", "\n", "As The Tree, So The Fruit\n", "\n", "Beams generally carry vertical gravitational forces but can also be used to carry horizontal loads.\n", "\n", "What do you call a woman juggling 3 pints of beer? Beatrix. What do you call a woman juggling 3 pints playing snooker? Beatrix Potter\n", "\n", "U.S. and allies aim to track North Korean rocket; launch window from Monday \n", "\n", "What do you do to a chemist after they die? You barium.\n", "\n", "early morning is the best time to go to the beach to watch the sun come up and you can pick the best stuff out of the hobo's shopping carts while they're still passed out\n", "\n", "Calamity Is Man's True Touchstone\n", "\n", " U.S. stock indexes extend losses; Dow Jones falls more than 400 points\n", "\n", "i have anxiety today which basically just means my depression had an espresso\n", "\n", "The guide describes and summarizes all of the key events that occur in Resident Evil Zero , Resident Evil , Resident Evil 2 , Resident Evil 3 , and Code : Veronica.\n", "\n", "What's a twack? Something a twain wuns on.\n", "\n", "Britain's Cameron hits back at EU referendum foes with 'Project Fact' \n", "\n", "Wedding rings are the prettiest, tiniest, most expensive handcuffs ever.\n", "\n", "It first opened in 1959.\n", "\n", "The treatment itself may have complications.\n", "\n", "me: ugh what a long day\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "guy who lives on venus: don't get me started\n", "\n", "I know you all love viral twitter darling .@samttaggart but I need you all to know I did a three person set with Sam and .@maryhoulie like 2 years ago. He is a FREAK for improv and his tweet is a fucking LIE!!! Welcome to call out culture Sam. Can u handle the heat?\n", "\n", "Without geography, you're nowhere.\n", "\n", "call me Kermit one more time\n", "\n", "Her: I need my pipes unclogged\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: No problem\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Her: Maybe you can... snake my drain\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: That's my first option, yes\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Her: Are you gonna screw me or not?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Well I do bill by the hour\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Porn Director: Cut\n", "\n", "It was the largest single piece of aluminium cast at the time . At that time , aluminium was as expensive as silver.\n", "\n", "Pros of being conscious:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "-your mind is literally a podcast curated for you based on your experiences.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Cons of being conscious:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "-most of the content makes you sad\n", "\n", "After complaints about its bright lights, our local Chinese restaurant has agreed to Dim Sum.\n", "\n", "As Like As Two Peas\n", "\n", "Metric continued to work on their debut album in the first few months of 2001.\n", "\n", "It is very much like a glaive.\n", "\n", "Sometimes I use long words I don't fully understand. To try and make myself sound more photosynthesis.\n", "\n", "Where the dead don’t count in Europe’s migration crisis \n", "\n", "What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.\n", "\n", "NFL committee appears to favor Carson plan backed by San Diego Chargers, Oakland Raiders over St. Louis Rams plan.\n", "\n", "My coworker keeps showing me pics asking if I've seen her baby. I told her it's been two years and she's not going to find them\n", "\n", "If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns, go for the juggler\n", "\n", "A mysterious hole has been found in the local nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.\n", "\n", "I’m 40 today. So naturally I woke up at 6:30 AM excited about using my new mower later. I need a werthers and some sanka.\n", "\n", "woke up at 7:14 am to google how many kinds of beans there are turns out it’s 40,000 will NOT be going back to sleep\n", "\n", "Libra: You’ve heard of sleeping with the fishes? Well now you’re sleeping with the snakes. Congrats on your bad life choices.\n", "\n", "When you have no veteran leadership in the locker room\n", "\n", "What sexual position creates the ugliest kids? Ask your parents. \n", "\n", "What do you call an Indian peeping tom? Mustafa Ganda\n", "\n", "I cut my finger whilst slicing cheese. I have grater problems.\n", "\n", "Portugal parliament overturns veto on adoption by gay couples \n", "\n", "By the time you finally understand grown-ups, you are one. Dennis the Menace\n", "\n", "Birds Of A Feather Flock Together\n", "\n", "Interestingly , the mouse never drinks water , instead deriving it metabolically from the foods it eats.\n", "\n", "Researchers find possible ninth planet beyond Neptune \n", "\n", "The sets in are the open sets , and their complements in X are called closed sets . A set may be neither closed nor open , either closed or open , or both.\n", "\n", "What does a lion use to help it drill? A roar plug.\n", "\n", "It is also part of the district of the Vale of White Horse.\n", "\n", "Asylum seekers in Japan reach record 7,586 in 2015; 27 accepted \n", "\n", "Saudi King Salman calls for others not to interfere in kingdom \n", "\n", "Iran says it will resist any plan to restrain its oil output: \n", "\n", "By the end of today I’ll be at least 45% cheese\n", "\n", "In Heaven all your lost pets are sitting around waiting to see you again. \"I wish he'd die,\" says Cupcake. They all nod.\n", "\n", "Fair Words Break No Bones\n", "\n", "Having a kid sounds stressful like how do you make sure they have just enough childhood trauma that they’ll turn out funny\n", "\n", "How moist was it you asked?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I’d say it was copious. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Copious amounts of moist.\n", "\n", "My wife's a terrible cook, she can never get her sauces right! But I've stuck with her, through thick and thin.\n", "\n", "See Iowa.\n", "\n", "Season One primarily focuses on the affect of Amy Juergens unwillingly having sex for the first time at band camp.\n", "\n", "me: in the club with them apple bottom jeans (jeans) and boots with the...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "PETA: *raises eyebrows*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ...with the tofu (tofu)\n", "\n", "The first thirty locomotives were built by Electroputere in Romania , but these suffered from poor construction standards and many were withdrawn from service early.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippy chick? A hockey player showers after 3 periods.\n", "\n", "Criers were not always men , many town criers were women.\n", "\n", "EU to call for emergency humanitarian aid to Greece: \n", "\n", "I really enjoy how women are supportive of women unless they're like tooooo attractive or in decent shape\n", "\n", "Furthermore , half of the opera takes place in a historical setting , and half takes place in the mythological Venusberg.\n", "\n", "Denmark to vote on tough migrant law as Nordic refugee welcome wanes \n", "\n", "My wife caught me in bed with an optical illusion.I told her it's not what it looks like.\n", "\n", "Close runoff seen in Peru election as Fujimori loses ground: poll \n", "\n", "{Pixar Meet & Greet}\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Buzz Lightyear: I'm a talking toy\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dory: I'm a talking fish\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Lightning McQueen: I'm a talking car\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Guy from UP: My wife died\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Everyone:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dory: I'm a talking fish\n", "\n", "haha!\n", "\n", "What's the worst thing about your girlfriend being pregnant? Having to tell your wife.\n", "\n", "He was allowed to keep a personal guard of six hundred men.\n", "\n", "Entertainer Rolf Harris to face further sex crime charges: \n", "\n", "Why are male bathrooms on the left, and female bathrooms on the right? Because women are always right, even when they're full of shit.\n", "\n", "Bumper Sticker: Keep honking, I'm reloading.\n", "\n", "Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.\n", "\n", "What do call a woman with a tortoise on her back? Shelley\n", "\n", "OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *panicking*\n", "\n", "Gives 0.\n", "\n", "I used to be a tap dancer, but I kept falling in the sink.\n", "\n", "Toft was eventually released without charge and returned to her home.\n", "\n", "ME: How fresh is the \"fresh octopus\"? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "WAITER: The chef is fighting it right now.\n", "\n", "It's the little things that count. That's why I'm hosting a math class for midgets.\n", "\n", "Kabuki theaters were a place to see and be seen.\n", "\n", "I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.\n", "\n", "Beyonce, Bruno Mars heat up Coldplay's Super Bowl halftime show \n", "\n", "Cruz relishes Iowa caucuses as a tribute to \"conservative grass roots\"\n", "\n", "Although often associated with poor developing countries , sweatshops may exist in any country.\n", "\n", "Membership of RIANZ is open to any record label operating in New Zealand.\n", "\n", "When I eat one vegetable & tell everyone that I'm getting serious about my diet.\n", "\n", "Iraqi PM says has won back half of ISIS-held territories \n", "\n", "Record-breaking South Korea filibuster runs beyond 100 hours \n", "\n", "I've just poured superglue into a non-stick pan. Someone's going to be wrong.\n", "\n", "Mystery jet. Body of suspected stowaway found on U.S. MD11 cargo plane in Zimbabwe: \n", "\n", "The larva is shiny red , with middorsal silver spots edged with black.\n", "\n", "Five dead, two hurt in worst Canada school shooting in decades: \n", "\n", "Why do people take years to write a novel when they can buy one for a couple bucks?\n", "\n", "Defiance among rogue settlers as Israel accuses Jewish youth of murder \n", "\n", "When someone is bothering you, remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown..but only 5 muscles to pull a trigger.\n", "\n", "Cannot believe this is still happening. This is so incredibly sad. \n", "\n", "wow what is wrong with people\n", "\n", "Zika case in Dallas County acquired through sexual contact - local media\n", "\n", "Islamist groups in Syria talks on individual basis: Russia \n", "\n", "The demons are able to take Gabrielle to Hell , where she comes face to face with the demonic form of Callisto.\n", "\n", "You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.\n", "\n", "The story was based on his real life best friend , Lisa Hill , who was struck by lightning and killed when they were both eight years old.\n", "\n", "You break in a new purse or backpack the first time you have to hang it on a door hinge in a fucking disgusting single person bathroom because there’s no purse hook and you spend the whole time desperately hoping it doesn’t fall to the floor\n", "\n", "Wait For The Cat To Jump\n", "\n", "Egyptian rights group asks court to halt official move to shut it down \n", "\n", "I'm gonna make a book called there's Waldo. And you have to find everything else.\n", "\n", "What happens if Pinocchio says 'My nose will now grow'?\n", "\n", "What's the first sign of madness? Suggs walking up your driveway...\n", "\n", "He spent the rest of his life there , leaving three children.\n", "\n", " U.S. agrees with Google that a car's driver doesn't have to be human. \n", "\n", "U.S. defense budget focuses on the dramatically shifting security environment, says Carter: \n", "\n", "I was sat in traffic the other day. Got hit by a car.\n", "\n", "An Irishman is never at peace except when he’s fighting.\n", "\n", "Why don't midgets use tampons? They trip over the strings.\n", "\n", "How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Both of them.\n", "\n", "Syria govt. says Nusra Front allies fire mortars on capital, one dead \n", "\n", "Florence becomes the machine\n", "\n", "A seal walks into a club. The doorman takes his coat.\n", "\n", "Once you turn 21, you can finally legally do all the things you've been doing since you were 16.\n", "\n", "Afghan troops pull out of second Helmand district: \n", "\n", "Pope to pray for migrants at Mexico-U.S. border, Vatican counters Trump \n", "\n", "Does the unknown, but I'm not sure, I've never heard it before.\n", "\n", "The Chain Is No Stronger Than Its Weakest Link\n", "\n", "U.S. sailors held captive by Iran were held at gunpoint: U.S. military \n", "\n", "Damascus vows to recapture Aleppo from rebels. More here: \n", "\n", "Today it is used by Old Catholics.\n", "\n", "Claudius wrote copiously throughout his life.\n", "\n", "Arizona pays $3 million in prison teacher rape case \n", "\n", "Bolivia's Morales loses referendum on extending presidency: official \n", "\n", "Me: I’ll have your badge for this!!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Girl Scout: *crying* I’m sorry, mister. I don’t have anymore thin mints.\n", "\n", "When I found out that my masseuse is also a prostitute, I was relieved.\n", "\n", "A nose walks into a bar. The barman says \"Sorry sir but I can't serve you....You're clearly off your face\"\n", "\n", "me: you know what, make it a double\r", "\r", "\r\n", "proctologist: what?\n", "\n", "Three people having sex is called a threesome and four people having sex is called a foursome. I guess that's why everyone calls me handsome!\n", "\n", "coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me excited about my new vape juice: guess what\n", "\n", "Bangladesh police arrest three more suspected of killing Hindu priest \n", "\n", "They finally closed LA.\n", "\n", "The new look won a prestigious Silver Award at the Promax/BDA Awards in 2006.\n", "\n", "If I got $1 every time a woman said I was't her type, I'd be her type.\n", "\n", "Vegetarians eat vegetables;I'm a humanitarian\n", "\n", "Who's Kony's favorite rapper? Soulja Boy.\n", "\n", "Empty Syntax For question or examples see the page.\n", "\n", "Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.\n", "\n", "U.S. senators urge Poland to respect democracy, rule of law \n", "\n", "When a women says 'What?' it's not because she didn't hear you. Shes giving you a chance to change what you said.\n", "\n", "stuff is obsessed with costing like $12\n", "\n", "Kremlin rejects media report Putin envoy asked Syria's Assad to step down - Tass: \n", "\n", "What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? \"You may have graduated but I've got hundreds of degrees\"\n", "\n", "Tyler was born Liv Rundgren at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York City , New York.\n", "\n", "Islamic State media outlet confirms the death of 'Jihadi John': \n", "\n", "Everytime I've come across the video of Doug Ford getting booed I rewatch it.\n", "\n", "LinkedIn CEO passes 2016 stock package to employees \n", "\n", "At least 42 migrants, including 17 children, drown when boats capsize off Greek islands: coastguard \n", "\n", "German sausages. They're the Wurst.\n", "\n", "Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he's married.\n", "\n", "FOR SALE: Packet of Polo's. Unopened mint condition.\n", "\n", "What's the worst animal to play cards with? A cheetah. Because it'll rip your face off.\n", "\n", "Health insurance and homeowner's insurance are the same thing to a Turtle.\n", "\n", "Beware Of A Silent Dog And Still Water\n", "\n", "Many areas remain inaccessible to the public due to building work.\n", "\n", "Congratulations seniors. The easy part is over, now you can just work until you die.\n", "\n", "I used to be addicted to soap. But now I'm clean.\n", "\n", "Alexis Clairaut was the first to think of polar coordinates in three dimensions , and Leonhard Euler was the first to actually develop them.\n", "\n", "It’s unhealthy to eat after 8pm so I have 4 minutes to eat this whole pie.\n", "\n", "A despondent Notorious B.I.G sits an empty suitcase on his bed and sighs. \"I love going on vacation but I hate Tupac.\"\n", "\n", "my summer body is just this body but it’s sticky from all the maragarita mix\n", "\n", "The first session was presided over by the Soviet judge , Nikitchenko.\n", "\n", "2 Thai birds asked me to join them for a threesome. It was just like winning the Lottery. We had 6 matching balls.\n", "\n", "What is the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stops at 3 ho's!\n", "\n", " U.S., Mexican efforts to battle gun trafficking falter - GAO \n", "\n", "Somebody threw some cheese at me in the supermarket the other day. I thought to myself \"How dairy.\"\n", "\n", "YouTube has drastically changed my attention span from about three hours to three minutes.\n", "\n", "Hear the one about the miscarriage? I overheard it yesterday. The joke was funny but the delivery was all wrong\n", "\n", "Curitiba also has many theaters.\n", "\n", "It takes place between The Battle of the Labyrinth and The Last Olympian.\n", "\n", "Thailand gears up for one million visitors during Lunar New Year. \n", "\n", "[the moon crashing into earth] \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: ᵀʰᵃᵗ'ˢ ᵃᵐᵒʳᵉ\n", "\n", "[Oregon Trail 1852]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Doctor: Any final words?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.\n", "\n", "2B or not 2B. That is the pencil.\n", "\n", "China sends missiles to contested South China Sea island: Fox News \n", "\n", "Dad: it’s time we had “the talk”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: oh, I already know about dancing the forbidden polka \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: the what? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: ya know, boppin’ squiddles??\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: excuse me \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: slaying the vadragon??\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: what?!?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: disappointing the wife \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Dad: oh sex, right\n", "\n", "What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?\r\n", "\r\n", "Wiped his butt.\n", "\n", "What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.\n", "\n", "me at the lil nas x is over party\n", "\n", "Yehudi Menuhin was married twice.\n", "\n", "I know you’re wondering, and the answer is yes this really happened. Except for the speeding. I always obey local traffic laws. My mamma raised me right.\n", "\n", "What do you call a girl with one leg? Eileen \n", "\n", "If you wish to start a new discussion or revive an old one , please do so on the.\n", "\n", "From a river town in Slovenia to the White House? \n", "\n", "Islamic State bomb supply chain includes firms in 20 countries: report \n", "\n", "This song is called subtraction Take it away!\n", "\n", "Ferries suspended, motorways blocked as Greeks protest pensions reform \n", "\n", "The Dentist says, \"When was the last time you flossed?\" The Patient replies, \"You should know, you were there!\"\n", "\n", "Gloom returns for Man United, Chelsea crush Newcastle \n", "\n", "Oil slump rocks markets again in historic equity rout: \n", "\n", "I quit my job in the helium balloon factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone\n", "\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " uck\n", "\n", "Him: i like you\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea\n", "\n", "I'm in trouble with my wife after she asked where I was taking her today? It seems that over the coffee table was not what she wanted to hear.\n", "\n", "Click the 'Start' button to Shut Down the computer.\n", "\n", "At first , Grendel 's mother appears to prevail.\n", "\n", "A Clean Hand Wants No Washing\n", "\n", "It sucks when a bathroom sign says 'employees must wash hands' and I wait for over an hour and no one comes to wash my hands.\n", "\n", "Nobody came to my aid when Harvard rejected me for digging strange holes all over campus and calling them bunkers.\n", "\n", "Indonesia plans tougher anti-terrorism laws after Jakarta attack \n", "\n", "His views caused him a great deal of trouble with the establishment in Hungary.\n", "\n", "me at 21: isn’t the world magical\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me at 31: shut up birds\n", "\n", "[ordering from the dollar menu]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: I'll have 7 dollars plz\n", "\n", "Montenegro will have to close borders if neighbours do: PM \n", "\n", "California has the highest rates of depression and adultery in America. Such a sad state of affairs.\n", "\n", "Early processor designs would carry out all of the steps above for one instruction before moving onto the next.\n", "\n", "The forester , also on his way home , sees the vixen and fires two shots at her , sending her running.\n", "\n", "Progressive bluegrass is one of two major subgenres of bluegrass music.\n", "\n", "Want to know what's going on in Davos? Our live coverage of WEF16 is here: \n", "\n", "America needs to face the things we’ve done wrong and take steps towards making it right. My housing plan creates a first-of-its-kind down-payment assistance program to help Black and Brown families living in formerly redlined neighborhoods buy a home.\n", "\n", "No special status for east Ukraine without ceasefire: president \n", "\n", "The Live Vision is a webcam designed for the Xbox 360 and Xbox Live.\n", "\n", "Nothing is known of his parents.\n", "\n", "If There Were No Clouds, We Should Not Enjoy The Sun\n", "\n", "What do you call a penguin in the desert? Lost.\n", "\n", "Missing Hong Kong booksellers say arrested for 'illegal trading' \n", "\n", "Debt consolidation entails taking out one loan to pay off many others.\n", "\n", "To Make (To Turn) The Air Blue\n", "\n", "An Evil Chance Seldom Comes Alone\n", "\n", "Girl are you sitting on an F5 key? Cause that ass is refreshing.\n", "\n", "He That Talks Much Lies Much\n", "\n", "Dating:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“No you hang up!”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“No you hang up!”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“No you hang up!”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“No you hang up!”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Marriage:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“No you shut up”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“No you shut up”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“No you shut up”\r", "\r", "\r\n", "“No you shut up”\n", "\n", "Straight guy: Whoa bro. I'm not into that gay shit.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: You're not even my type.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Straight guy:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Straight guy: *batting eyelashes* Okay, but like what is your type?\n", "\n", "South Sudan needs arms embargo; leaders killing civilians - U.N. experts \n", "\n", "a story in three parts\n", "\n", "crucifying manicures\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Europeans \r", "\r", "\r\n", " \r", "\r", "\r\n", " nail polish\n", "\n", "me: can i get a big mac \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "employee: sir, this is a Burger King\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty\n", "\n", "It is the state bird of Alaska.\n", "\n", "Alabama chief justice orders halt to same-sex marriage licenses \n", "\n", "He wishes that the portrait Basil is painting would grow old in his place.\n", "\n", "All men make mistakes. Married men just find out about them quicker.\n", "\n", "What animal has two gray feet and two brown feet? An elephant with diarrhea.\n", "\n", "Fertile eggs can be purchased and eaten as well , with little nutritional difference.\n", "\n", "you enter my mansion. inside, you find a room labelled \"the clown room\". you enter inside it to find only a single mirror. you fall to your knees as i cackle maniacally\n", "\n", "Liam Neeson: *on phone* I have a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *yelling* Daaaad, phone!\n", "\n", "If You Cannot Bite, Never Show Your Teeth\n", "\n", "“Um hello I’d like a pizza pls” lol can you even imagine\n", "\n", "just a heads up everyone is in their late 40s after they turn 32. even 33 year olds and especially you 34 year olds. 36 years old? you’re 48\n", "\n", "not shadowbanned on foursquare yet so there’s that\n", "\n", "cough drops should really be called anti-cough drops. if you showed me a product called \"cough drops\" i would automatically assume that they give you a cough when you have none. anyway, your son's ca- [dropping my stethoscope] whoops, your son's cancer is back\n", "\n", "Suicide bomber kills four in Yemen's Aden city: security source, residents \n", "\n", "my mom: I’m struggling with menopause \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: [pulling out my Pokédex] which generation is that one?\n", "\n", "Which essential oil is best for when your life is falling apart?\n", "\n", "Thailand reports second MERS case as virus detected in Omani man \n", "\n", "I asked the cashier at the window of the service station for a Galaxy. She came back with a Milky Way.\n", "\n", "Even though I adore Little Women I wonder if white people need another movie\n", "\n", "Chunky pigeon piss\n", "\n", "Catch The Bear Before You Sell His Skin\n", "\n", "We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.\n", "\n", "The Cap Fits\n", "\n", "Apple to launch new iPhone, iPad in March: 9to5mac \n", "\n", "What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.\n", "\n", "Twilight's like soccer. They run around for two hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans claim you just don't understand.\n", "\n", "What did the female dinosaur call her blouse business? Try Sarah's tops.\n", "\n", "The Christmas Island Pipistrelle has declined dramatically in the last two decades.\n", "\n", "Violence rages in Syria as Kerry and Lavrov reach provisional deal on ceasefire: \n", "\n", "*pretending to get electrocuted while I shake his hand*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "divorce lawyer: ah you again\n", "\n", "They say video games make you violent, but hundreds of years ago we burned people alive for being witches so probably humans are just garbage.\n", "\n", "See also List of places in Rhineland-Palatinate.\n", "\n", "Eight Republican candidates qualify for Thursday's debate; Trump uncertain \n", "\n", "Cameron says to announce EU vote date after cabinet meeting \n", "\n", "Ex-drug CEO Shkreli is being sued over his $2 million Wu-Tang Clan album: \n", "\n", "That isn't true.\n", "\n", "A female shark eats a male shark after a turf war in an aquarium in Seoul. \n", "\n", "Doctor: [hiding behind couch] how was work today honey?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Teacher: a student gave me an apple :)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Doctor: [muttering] of course they did\n", "\n", "Chevrolegs: The kind of vehicle you own when you can't afford a car. \r\n", "\r\n", "Your feet.\n", "\n", "\"Want to hear a joke about jalapeno poppers? Probably not because it's too queso fresco!\"\n", "\n", "A policeman knocked on the door and said, \"It looks like your wife has been in an accident...\" I said \"Yes but she has a great personality!\"\n", "\n", "Britain floats revised bill for broad surveillance powers: \n", "\n", "me: wanna buy some drugs\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: you kidding? i’m an on-duty police officer\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: my apologies officer *whispers* when are you gonna be off-duty\n", "\n", "I honestly have no idea why my mother has done this. \n", "\n", "Dollar stands tall vs yen, euro as risk aversion ebbs for now \n", "\n", "Rap is basically 75% cRap.\n", "\n", "The words Khurd and Kalan are administrative terminology dating back to Mughal times - to differentiate two areas with the same name , hence Birote Khurd means little Khurd . The words Khurd and Kalan are taken form Persian ..\n", "\n", "they left me alone in this exam room for over 20 minutes. this is on you, doc\n", "\n", "It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say? I'm a whisk taker\n", "\n", "Biochemistry , like organic chemistry , primarily focuses on compounds containing carbon as well.\n", "\n", "The publisher characterised the story as '' ... a haunting story of power and love - the tale of the man who would destroy everything he loves to preserve humanity 's peace , and the boy who might just sing the world away ''.\n", "\n", "I'm about to have a cup of dangerous coffee. Safe tea first though.\n", "\n", "That Man shall not keep his Arms clean , fit for an Engagement , or neglect his Business , shall be cut off from his Share , and suffer such other Punishment as the Captain and the Company shall think fit.\n", "\n", "Where do women use the restroom? All I ever see on the bathroom signs are men and Scottish men.\n", "\n", "What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller. \n", "\n", "DMs are open if you want to be ignored by another person\n", "\n", "Board game idea:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "BONOPOLY: like Monopoly but where the streets have no name.\n", "\n", "He That Has No Children Knows Not What Love Is\n", "\n", "UK's Independent as paper goes online-only: \n", "\n", "Ultimately , Faust goes to heaven , for he loses only half of the bet.\n", "\n", "God: you’re a laughing hyena.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Hyena: what does that mean?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: you laugh at things like upgod.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Hyena: what’s upgod?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: nothing, what’s up with you?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Hyena:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Hyena: maybe I can be a politely smiling hyena instead.\n", "\n", "I was playing chess with my friend when he said \"let's make things interesting\", so we stopped playing chess.\n", "\n", "A Fool May Throw A Stone Into A Well Which A Hundred Wise Men Cannot Pull Out\n", "\n", "No Pains, No Gains\n", "\n", "This template returns the number of full years between two specified dates.\n", "\n", "Doctor said I had jelly, custard and sponge in my ears. Explains why I was a trifle deaf.\n", "\n", "Want to hear a construction joke? I'm working on it.\n", "\n", "I told my girlfriend she'd drawn her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.\n", "\n", "Common icons are the World tree , for instance Yggdrasil , and the tree of life.\n", "\n", "Asia stocks hit 3-1/2-year lows as oil, China worries take toll \n", "\n", "Shoot for the moon. If you miss, reload and fire again. The moon must be stopped at all costs.\n", "\n", "Hurricane Alma was the first of three consecutive storms to come close to , or make landfall on , the Pacific coast of Mexico during a ten-day span.\n", "\n", "Russia government mulls five percent cut in defense procurement spending: sources \n", "\n", "Sean Penn meeting, silver screen dreams help Mexican drug lord's downfall \n", "\n", "Virgin Money's full-year underlying pretax profit jumps 53 pct: \n", "\n", "Why did the banana go to the hospital? Because he wasn't peeling well.\n", "\n", "\"Almost\" Never Killed A Fly (Was Never Hanged)\n", "\n", "Billionaire Mikhelson is now Russia's richest man, says Forbes: \n", "\n", "Rolling Stone called Love `` the most controversial woman in the history of rock ''.\n", "\n", "One of the earliest companies to take advantage of mineral resources around Ripley was the Butterley Company.\n", "\n", "Jeo can not be used alone.\n", "\n", "And let 's use some dots too.\n", "\n", "animal behavior can warn you when something is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our dog took the car and drove off\n", "\n", "'In' camp leads ahead of Britain's EU referendum, but gap narrows - poll: \n", "\n", "How an Indonesian cafe owner turned toward jihad: \n", "\n", "Marks And Spencers new advert states that it wouldn't be Christmas without MandS. They're right too. It'd be Chrita.\n", "\n", "Suspected suicide blast kills at least 14, injures 20 near Pakistan polio center \n", "\n", "I’m a grown man but find myself wanting to spend all my time with baby goats who wear sweaters.\n", "\n", "My girlfriend is getting pretty angry that I never put the toilet seat down! To be fair I am getting tired of carrying it around!\n", "\n", "My son’s favorite Jurassic Park movie is Jurassic Park 3 because he’s only 5 and he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about.\n", "\n", "And you can tell everybody\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "This is my thong\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "It may be quite skimpy but\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "It shows off my dong\n", "\n", "A bloke walked into a Fishmongers with a giant condom under his arm. \"A pound a fillet?\" The Fishmonger replied \"A pound you don't\".\n", "\n", "Like Begets Like\n", "\n", "What's the best part about fucking twenty-eight year olds? They're twenty of them.\n", "\n", "This is a donut shop, I swear to god.\n", "\n", "U.N. mission sends Burundi officers home over unrest \n", "\n", "Vikidia is currently run by 21 administrators.\n", "\n", "[operating room]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "NURSE: *nods to assistant* he's ready for the rice now\n", "\n", "Why don't autobiographies ever end in someone writing a book?\n", "\n", "I took a poll recently and 100% of people were annoyed that their tent had fallen down.\n", "\n", "You hear they're making a movie about constipation? The movie doesn't come out for a while.\n", "\n", "*watching FRIENDS on Nick at Nite*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MY MOTHER: That woman looks like a young Jennifer Anniston!\n", "\n", "This helped them to absorb and learn the language and customs of their new homeland.\n", "\n", "Auschwitz guard, 94, stands trial in Germany \n", "\n", "What does a guy with two right feet wear to the beach? Flop-flops. \n", "\n", "Gallaudet was born in Philadelphia , Pennsylvania.\n", "\n", "Former Pakistan military leader Musharraf hospitalized with chest pain \n", "\n", "Why do people want dollars to grow on trees? They're made from trees people.\n", "\n", "What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts---this is no ordinary blow job.\n", "\n", "Some people dream of success while others get up, have a coffee, emotionally prepare their raccoons for the bank robbery & most importantly, never ever give up. Each day is a new chance to decide which kind of person you want to be.\n", "\n", "I bet the worst part of dying a virgin is knowing you are going to get fucked by a terrorist.\n", "\n", "'Selfish' oil firms relish new production despite glut\n", "\n", "I've just been house hunting. One place had mirrors covering the walls of every room. I thought.. 'I can see myself living here'\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the pancake that went on a killing spree? He just flipped.\n", "\n", "Leading Iraqi Shi'ite says Islamic State shrugging off U.S. air strikes \n", "\n", "I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.\n", "\n", "I just want people to accept who I pretend I am\n", "\n", "Rice-Oxley 's and Chaplin 's mothers had become friends as Rice-Oxley 's brother was born soon after Chaplin , with their mothers becoming friends.\n", "\n", "Hotel fire in Iraqi Kurdistan kills 17, governor tells local TV \n", "\n", "This is quite accurate of even just daily hellos with @rosariodawson\n", "\n", "The new milk tray man from Liverpool, has been sacked after one day on the job. He delivered the chocolates, but left with a PS4, ipad and TV.\n", "\n", "U.S.-Iranian businessman's jailing sends chilling message to investors \n", "\n", "Midgard , is one of the Nine Worlds and is an old Germanic name for our world and is the home of Humans , with the literal meaning `` middle enclosure ''.\n", "\n", "If you are going to send someone to save the world, make sure they like it the way it is.\n", "\n", "Oregon refuge protesters to be arraigned over armed occupation\n", "\n", "Waiting for the day the tooth fairy comes for the rest of my bones\n", "\n", "Cameron speech at Siemens plant in Wiltshire: \n", "\n", "SmackDown has also aired live on occasion.\n", "\n", "I was so cold today that my jaw started to freeze..So I gritted my teeth.\n", "\n", "What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of co-ordination? HAND-EEEEEYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE\n", "\n", "Thousands of Iraqi refugees leave Finland voluntarily: \n", "\n", "New bin Laden documents reveal strains of managing al Qaeda's external networks: \n", "\n", "My skincare regimen is simple: I cry every single morning and drink one glass of water a day. The results? bad!\n", "\n", "Framingham sent two militia companies totaling about 130 men into the Battles of Lexington and Concord that followed ; one of those men was wounded.\n", "\n", "I read in the paper that you can support a child in Africa for just £20 a year. So I sent my kids there.\n", "\n", "Oil prices climb further on Iran support for oil output cap \n", "\n", "He was born in 633/632 BC and his birth name was Shallum.\n", "\n", "my husband would rather me rub his back than suck his dick. I’m literally begging to suck his dick instead of rubbing his back, but he says “no no no” is he broken\n", "\n", "What do you call a gay man milking a cow? A Dairy Queen.\n", "\n", "Afghan boy dubbed 'Lionel Messi's biggest fan' is waiting to meet the footballer. \n", "\n", "My family are worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's ok though, I know where to draw the line\n", "\n", "Teen charged in Canada shooting may face adult sentence: report \n", "\n", "Many manufacturers distinguish between decorative cosmetics and care cosmetics.\n", "\n", "Many ancient Greek recipes are known.\n", "\n", "What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. \n", "\n", "All of the nonsense...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Now, with less scrolling.\n", "\n", "Saul does so and makes David one of his armor-bearers and `` whenever the spirit from God came upon Saul , David would take his harp and play.\n", "\n", "French left-winger Melenchon to run for presidency in upset for Hollande \n", "\n", "What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice!\n", "\n", "Why was the mathematician late for work? He took the rhombus. \n", "\n", "Steinmeier was born in Detmold.\n", "\n", "[coffee shop]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: No it’s a flyer\n", "\n", "She won two NZ Music Awards ; ` Best Female Solo Artist ' and 42 Below ` Best Selling Album in New Zealand '.\n", "\n", "[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]\n", "\n", "There has been much work on this topic over the years , but an interesting new idea is that meteorites may have introduced reactive phosphorus species on the early earth.\n", "\n", " Flash tweet call \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Im nearly at 6K followers, a huge thank you and much love to my followers and twitter fam \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "send me your favourite non dialogue tweet from you or a friend ,2 hours to submit \n", "\n", "Spanish al Qaeda commander killed by French forces in Mali: sources \n", "\n", "U.N. says expects Syria talks with opposition on Sunday \n", "\n", "I DID NOT KNOW FLOWERS BEFORE DINOSAURS\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DID YOU KNOW FLOWERS BEFORE DINOSAURS? ?\n", "\n", "I like my eggs like I like my cumberbatches\n", "\n", "We went from playing doctor as kids to airport security as teenagers.\n", "\n", "What did the gay man say to his cheating boyfriend? I see you already have your shit packed, now get out!\n", "\n", "Briton guilty of raping women he met via \n", "\n", "can’t wait to hit 401K followers so i can finally retire with my twitter wife and twitter family\n", "\n", "oh my god..., who’s gonna tell him\n", "\n", "Tokyo, Okinawa at odds as U.S. airbase city votes for mayor \n", "\n", "lEarth is the insane asylum for the universe\n", "\n", "This makes the Battle of Cannae one of the most catastrophic defeats in the history of Ancient Rome , and one of the bloodiest battles in all of human history.\n", "\n", "I walked down a street and the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.It was a trip down memory lane.\n", "\n", "Israeli killed by army gunfire meant to foil Palestinian knifing \n", "\n", "Medevac helicopter crash kills five in Kazakhstan \n", "\n", "ME: I think I’m unhappy because I’m unable to prioritise my own well-being over the happiness of the people around me. I wish I knew how to be selfish...\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "MY FRIENDS:\n", "\n", "From the surface of Amalthea , Jupiter would look enormous : 46 degrees across , it would appear roughly 92 times larger than the full moon.\n", "\n", "Using little plastic dinosaurs and some fishline, I made a scene for my wife's car backup camera.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Now we wait.\n", "\n", "The Hush Sound is currently on hiatus.\n", "\n", "My Dad died recently, but unfortunately I slept in and missed the funeral. I guess I'm not a mourning person\n", "\n", "Tell me about it.\n", "\n", "Harm Watch, Harm Catch\n", "\n", "Fine ash can deposit over large areas.\n", "\n", "Going to see Peter Pan again tonight. Never gets old.\n", "\n", "Turkey blames Kurdish militants for Ankara bomb, vows response in Syria and Iraq \n", "\n", "Most American white men are trained to be fags.\n", "\n", "Buffett expands oil bet, buys more Phillips 66 \n", "\n", "He then went on to say that nothing good ever came out of Scranton.\n", "\n", "Sometimes I cry when cutting carrots just so the onions don't think they are ugly or something.\n", "\n", "Behind Islamic State attack on Indonesia, homegrown jihadi intellectual Bahrun Naim: \n", "\n", "What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?\r\n", "\r\n", "Some traffic signs say stop.\n", "\n", "How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.\n", "\n", "It was intended to have been the last installment in the franchise at the time.\n", "\n", "Aung San Suu Kyi returned to Burma in 1988 to take care of her ailing mother.\n", "\n", "I got arrested for impersonating a firework. They let me off.\n", "\n", "French judge allows partial demolition of Calais 'jungle': \n", "\n", "What do you do if a blonde throws you a grenade? Pull the pin and throw it back.\n", "\n", "I left my girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting. I wonder what she's up to now?..\n", "\n", "HER: I'm leaving you\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: Is it because I make so many jokes about my paralyzed legs? \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: Yes\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: (under breath) I can't stand it\n", "\n", "Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Ash: i'm a kid\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Ash: that sounds dangerous\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Oak: keep it caged in a ball\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Ash: kinda harsh\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Oak: catch'em all\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Ash: you okay bro\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS\n", "\n", "The Dogs Bark, But The Caravan Goes On\n", "\n", "They are light , airy and sweet.\n", "\n", "Why was the computer tired when it got home from work?Cos it had a hard drive.\n", "\n", "Just had a nice chat with my neighbours teenage daughter. Turns out she's right into UFOs. Which is handy, as she's getting abducted tomorrow.\n", "\n", "[courtroom]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "WALDO'S LAWYER: *looking at watch* god damn it where is he\n", "\n", "[job interview]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i always give 100%\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "principal: we can’t have that\n", "\n", "ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB\n", "\n", "U.S. to present draft U.N. sanctions resolution on North Korea: \n", "\n", "The area of Chiltern was on the Wahgunyah cattle run and was known as Black Dog Creek.\n", "\n", "A Cock Is Valiant On His Own Dunghill\n", "\n", "The name may be derived from the slang expression `` a bunch of fives ''.\n", "\n", "Two is the smallest and the first prime number , and the only even one.\n", "\n", "Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee? 'Cause they hate the French press\n", "\n", "[Kitchen]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}\n", "\n", "Still sensitive about it\n", "\n", "I won't get married until gays can get married WORLD-WIDE and then maybe not til a few years after that cuz men just do not want to marry me\n", "\n", "How do Ethiopians celebrate their kids first birthday? By putting flowers on their grave.\n", "\n", "Rice is known for his charity work.\n", "\n", "Cheap oil won't juice the U.S. economy this time: Reuters poll \n", "\n", "No Song, No Supper\n", "\n", "Polio worker shot as Pakistan holds countrywide vaccination drive \n", "\n", "[first day driving in the UK]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*flickering a cigarette butt, hitting my passenger in the face*\n", "\n", "Why are Native Americans the most successful strippers? Because when they dance, they make it rain.\n", "\n", "How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch \n", "\n", "The amount of people who confuse 'to' and 'too' is amazing two me.\n", "\n", "You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.\r\n", "Dolly Parton\n", "\n", "I have kleptomania, but it's okay. I'm taking something for it.\n", "\n", "I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re all right now.\n", "\n", "Politeness Costs Little (Nothing), But Yields Much\n", "\n", "Similarly , some railway timetables show 00:00 as departure time and 24:00 as arrival time . Legal contracts often run from the start date at 00:00 till the end date at 24:00.\n", "\n", "He has been married twice.\n", "\n", "The children live with the mother for seven years.\n", "\n", "The washer and dryer finished at the same time, so now they’re cuddling and sharing a cigarette.\n", "\n", "Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.\n", "\n", "me: oh look some tweens. be cool. be relatable. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "tweens: h-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: AH HOW WE FROLICKED THROUGH THE CHERRY GROVES\n", "\n", "Friend: eat this pop tart \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: ok \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Friend: oop that ketamine \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\n", "\n", "Has Tiny biceps, but they are getting fatter in the middle.\n", "\n", "Their first choice for a name was `` Carnival Records , '' under which they released two singles before discovering another label had taken the Carnival name first.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? Canoes tip!\n", "\n", "My 9-year-old sister just got a bank account. That just mean wr are out of the recession..right?\n", "\n", "What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The location of the dirt bag.\n", "\n", "Me (looking at the the result of my Which Horseman of the Apocalypse Are You? quiz): How did I get Scooby Doo again?\n", "\n", "HSBC executives rue missed chance in HQ choice: \n", "\n", "When I die, I want to be buried with some random animal bone like a Giraffe, just to confuse future archaeologists.\n", "\n", "A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.\n", "\n", "\"Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything.\"\n", "\n", "The track is 250 metres long.\n", "\n", "Morgan Stanley names Kelleher president; Fleming departs \n", "\n", "What is the similarity between Bill Gates & me? Don't know? \r\n", "He never comes to my house & I never go to his house EGO PROBLEMS YOU KNOW.\n", "\n", "Sex toys and glitter not what Oreogon protesters expected -- but that's what they got: \n", "\n", "Russia asks U.N. Security Council to discuss Turkish shelling in Syria \n", "\n", "A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a women's body is exposed and men are decent enough to stare at the 10% that is covered.\n", "\n", "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.\n", "\n", "Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you're broke.\n", "\n", "I always wondered how Bowser could afford so many castles. Then I did some research. You see, he had dozens of shell corporations and\n", "\n", " Aerial acrobatics at the SingaporeAirshow. \n", "\n", "One person drowned in a cellar in Fort Cobb , and another drowned in Kingfisher.\n", "\n", "The week, in \n", "\n", "Super Bowl: The only show that makes me want to watch the commercials.\n", "\n", "Your best friend could just be John Travolta wearing your best friend’s face and you’d never know it.\n", "\n", "Why did the Dalai Lama visit Las Vegas? Tibet \n", "\n", "What happened when the orange slept with the dirty lemon? It got lemonaids\n", "\n", "The back of the thorax is gray with two dark bands around both sides.\n", "\n", "Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.\n", "\n", "He That Would Eat The Fruit Must Climb The Tree\n", "\n", "What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A baboom.\n", "\n", " Wall Street trims gains: Dow Jones, S&P 500 close in the green\n", "\n", "Most of my family has diarrhea. It runs in our jeans\n", "\n", "A new wagon designed for LA rush hour traffic is called the Stationary wagon.\n", "\n", "Finally, a sportswear company that really gets me.\n", "\n", "Rouhani allies face tough challenge in votes to shape Iran: \n", "\n", "Almost without exception , Welsh speakers in Wales also speak English.\n", "\n", "Yen chilled by sub-zero rates for now, speculation ECB may ease subdues euro \n", "\n", "I asked God for a bike, but then I realised God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.\n", "\n", "This removes substances that may cause indigestion.\n", "\n", "British Foreign Secretary Hammond calls U.N. Assange report 'ridiculous' : \n", "\n", "What do you call a wrestler in a hurry? The overtaker.\n", "\n", "I'm not saying she's fat... I'm saying if I had to think of the five fattest people I know shed be three of them.\n", "\n", "Yeah, you can't judge a book by it's cover. But if the cover isn't appealing, I ain't reading it.\n", "\n", "Executives of Brazil's No. 2 building company say it paid Rousseff campaign suppliers: paper \n", "\n", "More generally , one may require that flipping a fixed set of bits should change each output bit with probability one half.\n", "\n", "Soft Fire Makes Sweet Malt\n", "\n", "Be sure to sacrifice your children to the all-powerful Giant Suitcase.\n", "\n", "He soon left the London Missionary Society , convinced that God would provide for his needs as he did Christian work.\n", "\n", "Irish PM says open to talks with main rival \n", "\n", "Drive carefully. 90% of people are accidents.\n", "\n", "Who called it a butt crack and not a bottom line?\n", "\n", "Bodies of 21 migrants found on Aegean coast: Turkish gendarmerie \n", "\n", "King: the rebels are revolting\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say we're gross\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "King: no, no, I mea-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Rebels: [visibly upset] why king\n", "\n", "the gollum / smeagol argument scene except it's me trying to decide if i should masturbate tonight or not\n", "\n", "Another of his contributions to ethology is his work on imprinting.\n", "\n", "Israel approves mixed-sex Jewish prayer site at Western Wall \n", "\n", "I have a long, rich history of putting men I date on pedestals for the smallest of reasons.\n", "\n", "One day in early 1997 , Van Der Beek auditioned for three television pilots.\n", "\n", "mr. omel: you’re a good egg, kid\r", "\r", "\r\n", "omelette: thanks dad \n", "\n", "professor x: what’s your power?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i’m dummy thicc\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "professor x: that’s stupid please leave\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ok [turns around to start walking, exposing my juicy dumper]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "professor x: wait\n", "\n", "Riaz Shahid was married to then famous actress Neelo and had three children.\n", "\n", "Taiwan city looks at developer's other buildings after quake collapse \n", "\n", "I wonder if in Hawaii for kicks on Fridays offices do “regular shirt” day.\n", "\n", "Mexico accuses prison officials of homicide after brutal riot \n", "\n", "Obama scolds Senate Republicans for Supreme Court threat \n", "\n", "Me: C’mon. It’s time to get out of bed. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "7-year-old: NEVER!!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: That’s the spirit!\n", "\n", "Pope to visit Mexican state ravaged by brutal drug violence \n", "\n", "It takes balls to be a transvestite.\n", "\n", "UK to send troops to Tunisia to help stop ISIS crossing Libyan border: \n", "\n", "In her last recording in 1950 , she recorded two songs.\n", "\n", "Does anyone know anything about drones? Bought this from a guy last night and I can’t get it to take off... \n", "\n", "U.S., UK likely to charge multiple banks in Libor rigging: WSJ \n", "\n", "How do you know that your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up.\n", "\n", "Iran's Rouhani calls for political unity before crucial votes: TV \n", "\n", "Another but least popular way to identify the file format is to look at the file contents for distinguishable patterns among file types.\n", "\n", "GOPdebate: Question about Hillary Clinton as an 'enabler of sexual misconduct' draws huge social backlash. \n", "\n", "Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.\n", "\n", "With eye on China's rise, Australia to boost defense spending by $21 billion \n", "\n", "Morgan escaped without injuries.\n", "\n", "My new girlfriend really takes my breath away. She's inflatable.\n", "\n", "What was Spiderman's major in college? Web Design\n", "\n", "I asked Sean Connery whats his favourite London landmark was? \"Shard\". I know it is mate but just give it a go..\n", "\n", "Another was Lothar Meyer , who published a work in 1864 , describing 28 elements.\n", "\n", "Volatility spurring deeper cooperation with Japan - Australia foreign minister \n", "\n", "When my wife found out I'd replaced our bed with a trampoline She hit the roof.\n", "\n", "I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied \"Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!\" I said \"Wow!\" Then her friend said \"She means 6663629\".\n", "\n", "Him: i really like you \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I think we should break up \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: wow ok bitch\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: on second thought\n", "\n", "I'm in a heavy metal band. I play lead..\n", "\n", "To Throw Straws Against The Wind\n", "\n", "However , this first disease-specific therapy offers hope that the progression of ALS may one day be slowed by new medications or combinations of drugs.\n", "\n", "For his acting work he is credited under his full name.\n", "\n", "I was in Tesco the other day and couldn't work out which pasta I needed to buy. Then the penne dropped.\n", "\n", "False Friends Are Worse Than Open Enemies\n", "\n", "A Beggar Can Never Be Bankrupt\n", "\n", "I said to my wife the other day \"Why dont you tell me when you have an orgasm?\" She said \"I dont like to ring you at work.\"\n", "\n", "Scant hope of Syria peace breakthrough as Russia pounds rebels \n", "\n", "Q. Where do fags park?\r\n", "\r\n", "A. In the rear.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between a well dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.\n", "\n", "Putin ally is threat to Russian national security, says Kremlin critic \n", "\n", "Good Words Without Deeds Are Rushes And Reeds\n", "\n", "U.S. Defence Secretary says UK needs nuclear weapons for 'outsized' world role \n", "\n", "JPMorgan to make donation to UK's pro-EU campaign: Sky \n", "\n", "Twin suicide bombing kills 12 at Shi'ite mosque in Baghdad: police, medics \n", "\n", "A guru hops around often, he's known as the Kan Guru.\n", "\n", "Grace was the first to give evidence.\n", "\n", "Damn girl are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up\n", "\n", "What's the difference between boy scouts and Jews? Boy scouts always come back from camp!\n", "\n", "A blonde walks to her mailbox-nothing. Comes out again-nothing. Neighbor says-Whats wrong? Blonde-My laptop keeps saying,\"You've got mail!\"\n", "\n", "Please take your endless energy and go away.\n", "\n", "My wife says I'm spoken for.\n", "\n", "My mate got sacked from working on the dodgems. He's suing for funfair dismissal.\n", "\n", "One Link Broken, The Whole Chain Is Broken\n", "\n", "death by song lyrics and silence\n", "\n", " Kerry thanks Iran for cooperation in release of 10 Navy sailors. \n", "\n", "Two pens had a race. The result was a draw.\n", "\n", "Afghanistan's Abdullah expects talks with Taliban in months \n", "\n", "I once was lost , but now am found , Was blind but now I see.\n", "\n", "Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.\n", "\n", "analysis complete\n", "\n", "Danish ruling party to offer new talks in move to avoid crisis \n", "\n", "ME: I frequently practice sensual, self-taught Tai Chi with a very savvy falafel vendor\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "INTERVIEWER: just examples of your professional work please\n", "\n", "Four killed in crash of Russian military helicopter \n", "\n", "i'm tired of the phrase \"too bad\" so from now on I'm saying \"that's cactuses\" and if you don't like it well that's cactuses\n", "\n", "He Knows Much Who Knows How To Hold His Tongue\n", "\n", "Lípa was first documented in 1351.\n", "\n", "Everything Comes To Him Who Waits\n", "\n", "Failure is not an option. It is a privilege reserved only for those who try.\n", "\n", "What’s a song that you find really beautiful. List as many as you like. \n", "\n", "\"What do we want?\" \"A cure for Tourettes\" \"When do we want it?\" \"Cunts!\"\n", "\n", "Australian state premier offers 267 asylum seekers refuge \n", "\n", "What's a ghosts favorite dessert? Ice Scream.\n", "\n", "Meg White was born in Grosse Pointe Farms , Michigan to Walter Hackett White , Jr. and Catherine White.\n", "\n", "What's better than seeing a woman wrestle? Seeing her box.\n", "\n", "ATTN Steak-Umm cult followers \r", "\r", "\r\n", "here are the guidelines to our new world order:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- bless everyone even our idiot college intern steve\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- no hot pockets\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- saying \"is it steak? umm..\" may land you in the dungeon\r", "\r", "\r\n", "- beef memes are currency \r", "\r", "\r\n", "- RT everything so I can keep my job\n", "\n", "Shoot for the moon. If you miss, reload and fire again. The moon must be stopped at all costs.\n", "\n", "Long Absent, Soon Forgotten\n", "\n", "A simpleton is one who is simple.\n", "\n", "i feel seen\n", "\n", "sorry I’m late I didn’t realize life would be so hard\n", "\n", "For 25 years from Head was technical director at Williams Grand Prix Engineering , and responsible for many innovations within Formula One.\n", "\n", "Labour leader sticks to 'in' camp in Britain's EU debate \n", "\n", "Anti-tank dogs were dogs taught to carry explosives to tanks , armored vehicles and other military targets.\n", "\n", "at LAST! The greatest story seldom told! #NerdyFunnyScientist #WhatsGonnaHappentoTheseKids\r", "\r", "\r\n", "@feliciaday @NathanFillion @ActuallyNPH @MoTancharoen @jedwhedon\n", "\n", "It was never an issue of harm in human consumption.\n", "\n", "I used to be a wrestler, I would get a guy in a head lock and write my name on their forehead..It was my signature move.\n", "\n", "How Zika mosquitoes’ habits may foil U.S. elimination efforts: \n", "\n", "When at wal mart: tell manager over intercom to find your lost friend mike hunt\n", "\n", "Subsidy sham: Fertilizers reach Indonesia plantations, not small farmers \n", "\n", "Kerry wants 'all or nothing' truce at Syria talks \n", "\n", "Me: did I pass?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Driving instructor: *swimming away* no\n", "\n", "If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls? Cornflakes.\n", "\n", "Indian farmers deep in debt, seek subsidies, help with insurance \n", "\n", "Born in Artena , Acciarito was an ironsmith by trade and lived near Rome.\n", "\n", "As of the early 21st century the festival is held in May.\n", "\n", "His mother was his first piano teacher.\n", "\n", "Females have a rufous breast and belly.\n", "\n", "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's time consuming.\n", "\n", "Dating tip: Before you think he's attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think... is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?\n", "\n", "I saw a girl texting while driving and it really pissed me off, so I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.\n", "\n", "Egypt struggles to get subsidized food to poor amid dollar crisis \n", "\n", "Abortions are so fun. It really brings out the kid in you\n", "\n", "Oil prices fall on huge build in U.S. crude stocks \n", "\n", "He put McMahon on a table and put a trashcan over McMahon 's head.\n", "\n", "John Kerry and Sartaj Aziz at the U.S. Pakistan Strategic Dialogue meeting. Watch: \n", "\n", "California lottery says it has a winner in $1.6 billion Powerball jackpot \n", "\n", "In the same basic example , the processor would start to decode a new instruction while the last one was waiting for results.\n", "\n", "[after sex]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "shrek limited edition blu-ray: watt air ewe dune en mah swamp\n", "\n", "Peacekeepers, Congo army to resume joint fight against Rwandan rebels: U.N. \n", "\n", "I've got a perfect chicken proof garden. It's impeccable\n", "\n", "Going to the plastic surgeon and just getting whatever they assume I'm there for\n", "\n", "First , three hurricanes reached Category 5 intensity on the Saffir-Simpson Hurricane Scale.\n", "\n", "I like to think that they fight crime.\n", "\n", "God: you’re a decapod.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Crab: what does that mean?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: it means you have 10 legs.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: at least you don’t have a hundred.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?\n", "\n", "Britain drafting U.N. resolution to set up Colombia mission: envoys \n", "\n", "It Is An Ill Wind That Blows Nobody Good\n", "\n", "SSE says likely to close most units at Fiddler's Ferry coal plant in April \n", "\n", "Saved myself the frustration of trying to clasp a bracelet and went with the stretchy one instead. Keep life simple.\n", "\n", "Hope Is A Good Breakfast, But A Bad Supper\n", "\n", "A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.\n", "\n", "How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb? 1,000,001. One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilizationto the point where they need light bulbs again.\n", "\n", "1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance ... The 5 stages of buying gasoline.\n", "\n", "Six soldiers killed in southeast Turkey bomb attack: military \n", "\n", "My girlfriend changed after she became a vegetarian. It's like I've never seen herbivore.\n", "\n", "Chinese culture dates back thousands of years.\n", "\n", "A men tells his doctor \"Doc, help,I'm addicted to Twitter!\" the doctor replies, \"sorry, I dont follow you..\"\n", "\n", "I got an email today from a '32 year old bored housewife, looking for some action'. I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy!\n", "\n", "Got a new aftershave called bread crumbs! The birds love it!!\n", "\n", "Whats the difference between a ginger fanny and a cricket ball? If you try really hard, Really really hard, You can eat a cricket ball.\n", "\n", "Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.\n", "\n", "The Last Drop Makes The Cup Run Over\n", "\n", "A non-conformist. Just like everybody else.\n", "\n", "What did the Mexican Firefighter name his twin sons? José and Hose B\n", "\n", "*tough guy with tattoos approaches you at the gym*: you in touch with your feelings, bro? you ever just cry from joy? you tryin your best to stay gentle and open-hearted in a world that can be callous and cruel?\n", "\n", "My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.\n", "\n", "China fourth-quarter growth slows to 6.8 percent, weakest since 2009 \n", "\n", "Why can't T-Rexes clap their hands? Cos they're extinct.\n", "\n", "Aid reaches residents of besieged Syrian towns: U.N. \n", "\n", "Haiti election postponed over security concerns: AFP \n", "\n", "geese are such long birds\n", "\n", "My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.\n", "\n", "I don't understand how crows can fly so straight when there's so many crow bars around.\n", "\n", "Pluto has three known moons.\n", "\n", "As a result , she set a new world record total of 207.71 as well as winning her first World Figure Skating Championships title . She became the first female skater to surpass 200 points under the ISU Judging System.\n", "\n", "Germany offers cash reward for leads on sex attacks in Cologne \n", "\n", "So they give a rather good introduction to the life in Huntly in the 19th century.\n", "\n", "China official manufacturing PMI eases to 49.4 in January, misses forecasts \n", "\n", "[trojan horse]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "trojan: i can't believe the greeks made us such a nice statue. especially since they're so smelly and gross\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "horse: *in very humanlike voice* no you're smelly and gross\n", "\n", "Many of these soldiers later emigrated.\n", "\n", "Being an adult woman requires so much forgiving of men who are not sorry because u can’t tell them what they did was hurtful bc they will be like “omg ur so crazy! Typical woman!” Because women who have visceral reactions or take things to heart are irrational! Live laugh love!\n", "\n", "U.S. intelligence chief warns of 'homegrown' security threat \n", "\n", "Twelve Marines declared dead after helicopter crash off Hawaii \n", "\n", "A space station is an artificial structure designed for humans to live and work in outer space for a period of time.\n", "\n", "Top technocrat seen as safe hands in Vietnam's new leadership \n", "\n", "I would never be a doctor. Id have to work on the weakened.\n", "\n", "Good fliers like flies or honey bees , or prey-catching insects like praying mantis or dragonflies , have specialized zones of ommatidia organized into a fovea area which gives acute vision.\n", "\n", "If one did not have a teacher , then one had to work out the rhythm by themselves.\n", "\n", "Obama vows to move ahead with a Supreme Court nominee\n", "\n", "A comedian entered a joke contest and sent in ten of his best one-liners and waited to see if he had won. Sadly no pun in ten did.\n", "\n", "If a Bantu mother has lost two children in succession , the next child born is taken out at dawn and placed on the road , where it is left till a neighbor , usually a woman friend who has gone that way on purpose , picks it up and takes it to its mother who gives a goat in return ; a somewhat similar custom prevails among the Niotic tribes.\n", "\n", "US Alt.\n", "\n", "What do you call a soldier who has been mustard gassed and pepper sprayed? A seasoned veteran\n", "\n", "You may also want to read our introduction page to learn more about contributing.\n", "\n", "U.N. will restart Syria peace talks on March 9. More here: \n", "\n", "*shipwrecked diary*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Day 2: I have married the crab. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "Day 3: I have eaten my wife.\n", "\n", "Recorded observations of Mercury date back to at least the first millennium BC.\n", "\n", "There are two clinical forms of smallpox.\n", "\n", "Europe shrugs off pre-G20 China stocks slump, sterling steadies\n", "\n", "What's the best dating service in India? Connect the dots.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on\n", "\n", "Syria fighting largely halts as cessation begins \n", "\n", "Because she also showed great promise as a composer , her parents decided to let her study composition with Anton Reicha , at the time composition teacher at the Conservatoire.\n", "\n", "See Firefox 's free toolbar.\n", "\n", "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.\n", "\n", "Women say we men have it easy because we haven't experienced childbirth. How the heck do they think we got here?\n", "\n", "Need experience for job. Need job for experience.\n", "\n", "Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.\n", "\n", "The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.\n", "\n", "In May 1974 , Lennon and Pang returned to New York where Lennon began work on Walls and Bridges.\n", "\n", "Ben Shapiro is a type of pokémon\n", "\n", "After three nights without sleep I can now smell birdsong\n", "\n", "Like many characters in the Gothic tradition , his nerves dictate his true nature.\n", "\n", "To Look For A Needle In A Haystack\n", "\n", "Ladies. I’m looking for a woman who will SUCK MY DICK\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "S - pend time with me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "U - nderstand me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "C - are about us\r", "\r", "\r\n", "K - eep me close\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "M - iss me when I’m gone\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Y - ell my name\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "D - efine our relationship goals\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I - nspire me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "C - herish me\r", "\r", "\r\n", "K - iss my penis with her mouth\n", "\n", "What do you call a group of confused Spanish speaking racists? The ¿Qué Qué Qué?\n", "\n", "her: let's go swimming\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: you’re supposed to wait 30 minutes after you’re sad to swim\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: umm, that’s eating\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *mouthful of raw cookie dough* whichever\n", "\n", "It was only 7 days ago, but it felt just like last week.\n", "\n", "Poland wants Britain in EU, backs some of Cameron's proposals \n", "\n", "Why the foreclosure crisis has made it hard for Clinton and Sanders to reach Nevada voters: \n", "\n", "Under the sea , hydrothermal vents may form features called black smokers.\n", "\n", "I don’t get out of bed for less than 6.5% ABV\n", "\n", "hope you fuckers are wearing sunscreen today\n", "\n", "U.N. diplomats urge Burundi dialogue as rebels raise stakes \n", "\n", "For just $10 a month, You can reduce your annual salary by $120.\n", "\n", "The SWAC is one of two conferences which do not participate in postseason play in the FCS football tournament - and is the only one of the two whose members offer a full complement of scholarships for football.\n", "\n", "South Korea minister calls for tough sanctions on North \n", "\n", "I love being a 1999 guy who eats a lunch of focaccia bread, Sun Chips, and Fruitopia at Au Bon Pain for $20 (inflation-adjusted) before waiting two hours in line for Blair Witch tickets, and being categorically unaware that I’m living at the high water mark of human civilization\n", "\n", "I met my wife on the net. We were both terrible trapeze artists.\n", "\n", "My son has just come home with a settee and two chairs. I'm fuming! I've told him not to accept suites from strangers!\n", "\n", "Best friends Tod , a fox kit , and Copper , a hound puppy , visit a country fair when they see a band of dogs called `` The Singin ' Strays ''.\n", "\n", "Two tampons walk down the street. Who says hi first. None, they are stuck up cunts.\n", "\n", "If an apple is 100% paralyzed , is it considered a fruit or a vegetable?\n", "\n", "A Burnt Child Dreads The Fire\n", "\n", "My wife laughed when I told her I was going to make a car out of spaghetti. She soon shut up when I drove pasta.\n", "\n", "Albano was one of five children born to Dr. Carmen Louis and Eleanor Albano , both deceased.\n", "\n", "A pack of llamas is called a cria. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "A pack of camels is why your dad left.\n", "\n", "BSELP002 - Cruel & Unusual A. Black Sun Empire - The Cooler B. Black Sun Empire & Corrupt Souls - Everything C. Black Sun Empire - Bitemark D. Black Sun Empire & SKC - Masquerade E. Black Sun Empire & Noisia - Hideous F. Black Sun Empire - Sideways G. Black Sun Empire - Future Frame H. Dino Sofos - Breathe Sunshine\n", "\n", "Canada to boost troops in anti-ISIS mission, keep some planes: source \n", "\n", "As a precaution , MandrakeSoft renamed its products by removing the space between the brand name and the product name and changing the first letter of the product name to lower case , thus creating one word.\n", "\n", "Me relying on my extroverted friend in social situations:\n", "\n", "- What do you call a truck load of vibrators? Toys for twats\n", "\n", "Widow of Islamic State leader charged in death of American: U.S. Justice Dept. \n", "\n", "He Knows Best What Good Is That Has Endured Evil\n", "\n", "its indigeous peoples day follow my friends \r", "\r", "\r\n", "@LarterNikita \r", "\r", "\r\n", "@antalalakam/@beadagainstfash \r", "\r", "\r\n", "@akayatuk \r", "\r", "\r\n", "@tulukaruq \r", "\r", "\r\n", "@akutaqfanclub \r", "\r", "\r\n", "@panikiskiaq \r", "\r", "\r\n", "@amybeatrice \r", "\r", "\r\n", "@otipemsiw \r", "\r", "\r\n", "@BradleyDee66 \r", "\r", "\r\n", "@CanaItch \r", "\r", "\r\n", "@hayBEARS (many bear postings)\n", "\n", "The open assembly was abolished in 1997.\n", "\n", "My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.\n", "\n", "U.S. sends 10 Yemeni Guantanamo detainees to Oman: \n", "\n", "i'm a professional illustrator\n", "\n", "China's Xi offers support to Egypt ahead of uprising anniversary \n", "\n", "Sacramento man indicted for lying about assisting militant group \n", "\n", "me: hey why-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "librarian: shh\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: ʷʰʸ ᶜᵃⁿᵗ ʷᵉ ᵗᵃˡᵏ ᶦⁿ ˡᶦᵇʳᵃʳᶦᵉˢ\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "librarian: they'll hear us\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: who is they\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "the ghost who lives in the shelves: WHO DARES DISTURB-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "librarian: SHH\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "the ghost who lives in the shelves: ᶠᵘᶜᵏ ᵈᵒ ᵘ ᵗʰᶦⁿᵏ ᵗʰᵉʸ ʰᵉᵃʳᵈ ᵐᵉ\n", "\n", "Baby’s first Misfits tattoo (by Lolli Morlock at Valentine’s Tattoo in Seattle)\n", "\n", "The first , simple optical printers were constructed early in the 1920s.\n", "\n", "My new girlfriends definitely a keeper.. She stinks of elephant dung!\n", "\n", "I was once arrested for resisting arrest. I still don't know how.\n", "\n", "is she a 10 or is she three 3.3333333s stacked in a trench coat\n", "\n", "German foreign minister says common EU path is only way to tackle migrant crisis \n", "\n", "I finally got my sportscar. Got a mad gash between my eyes from a football!\n", "\n", "Last, But Not Least\n", "\n", "Don't Trouble Trouble Until Trouble Troubles You\n", "\n", "After having supper , and telling the hostages not to raise the alarm for another three hours , they left.\n", "\n", "Afghan forces fighting to hold off Taliban in three Helmand districts \n", "\n", "My girlfriend said to me \"sex is better on vacation\". That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.\n", "\n", "I’m an untrained artist with little to no ability, but if you reply I’d be happy to draw an awful version of your avi.\n", "\n", "See the corresponding code below.\n", "\n", "Rather , a good S-box will have the property that changing one input bit will change about half of the output bits.\n", "\n", "Hackers may have wider access to Ukrainian industrial facilities \n", "\n", "We no longer live in the real world. We live in the reel world.\n", "\n", "For every hamburger stolen, a hamburger is gained. This is known among scientists as \"The Hamburglar's paradox.”\n", "\n", "assert dominance at brunch by butt chugging cold brew\n", "\n", "A cucumber and a tomato meet in a saladbar. Cucumber: Gee, how come you look so red? Tomato: I saw the salad dressing.\n", "\n", "At weddings old people always poke me and say you'll be next! It's so annoying! So, I've started doing the same to them at funerals.\n", "\n", "I've decided to stop wearing glasses. Cos it makes me look harder.\n", "\n", "Chipotle says California probe widens into national investigation \n", "\n", "You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.\n", "\n", "What do you call two skunks that are 69ing? Odor eaters\n", "\n", "Zsa Zsa Gabor hospitalized, husband hopes she will live to 100 \n", "\n", "Simba shows Nala around his home and the two begin to fall in love.\n", "\n", "The two men set off for Alcmene 's house.\n", "\n", "See intension for some more discussion.\n", "\n", "hey sorry i accidentally texted you “i miss you” yesterday. that wasn’t the real me i was on like 3 cups of coffee\n", "\n", "I was terrible at spelling when I was at school. Brilliant at jografy though.\n", "\n", "Using little plastic dinosaurs and some fishline, I made a scene for my wife's car backup camera.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Now we wait.\n", "\n", "thank u cnn\n", "\n", "One of the best known philosophical theories of autonomy was developed by Kant.\n", "\n", "Denmark extends border control to Germany until March 4 \n", "\n", "They do things that little children like to do , such as rolling on the ground , laughing , running about , and watching real children on the televisions on their bellies.\n", "\n", "La Mina tried to organize their camp , but were lost without Terry.\n", "\n", "The African Bush Elephant is the larger of the two species of African elephant.\n", "\n", "When you cut through the alley on your way home from school and old Spaghetti Jones offers you a free sample of buttered noodles, and next thing you know you're passed out in the gutter dreaming creamy Alfredo dreams while a mangy old dog licks parmesan cheese off your face.\n", "\n", "Teenager near Tokyo found to have Zika virus after return from Brazil: media\n", "\n", "Central African constitutional court confirms Touadera elected president \n", "\n", "Gang guilty of sex crimes in English town at centre of abuse scandal \n", "\n", "Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.\n" ] }, { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "\n", "UK trade deficit widens in fourth quarter, likely dragging on economic growth: \n", "\n", "I have a degree in art--you want fries with that?\n", "\n", "FCC to vote on proposal to boost TV set-top box competition \n", "\n", "4 year old: i love you\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i love you too\r", "\r", "\r\n", "4: ok but i was talkin to mom\n", "\n", "It takes 26 muscles to smile and 62 muscles to frown, so don't ever say that I don't go out of my way for you.\n", "\n", "I can’t reply to u all but thank u for ur words\n", "\n", "Ferries stay docked, farmers empty milk churns in Greek pension protests \n", "\n", "Ugandan general charged, jailed after criticizing long-ruling president \n", "\n", "It was recorded live at four different comedy clubs in New York and New Jersey.\n", "\n", "Oregon occupiers want to work with residents; locals critical \n", "\n", "Alex 's best friend Harper is also part of the storyline.\n", "\n", "Atheism is a nonprophet organization.\n", "\n", "When The Cat Is Away, The Mice Will Play\n", "\n", "Masturbation is great if you can pull it off\n", "\n", "Why did Lionel clean his room? Because it was Messi.\n", "\n", "Yo momma jokes are old, common and used by everyone.\r\n", "\r\n", "Just like yo momma.\n", "\n", "I dropped 30 lbs over the summer. \"oh yeah? And what happened to your foot?\" that's where I dropped the 30 lb sandbag.\n", "\n", "Iran's Revolutionary Guards question U.S. sailors, dismiss talk of prompt release \n", "\n", "Me: [Lying on therapist couch] people keep saying I'm creepy\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Therapist: [in bathrobe] how do you know where I live?\n", "\n", "Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with cardboard. Pillow fight.\n", "\n", "Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Therapist: let go of my collar\n", "\n", "Three Turkish soldiers killed as building collapses in southeast Turkey \n", "\n", "I was watching porn last night when my mum walked in. Not the best way to find out what she does for a living.\n", "\n", "Irish PM calls election, cites economy as launches campaign \n", "\n", "I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.\n", "\n", "me everytime I die in a video game\n", "\n", "Some of the inflated old measurements may have been taken at ground level.\n", "\n", "LIVE NOW: Tim Peake and Tim Kopra are preparing to leave the ISS for a spacewalk: \n", "\n", "I threw a party for people who can't ejaculate. Nobody came.\n", "\n", "Check out this thread for a beautiful series of dunks\n", "\n", "Two men fighting in a restaurant. One threw a prawn cocktail at the other and said. \"That's just for starters\"\n", "\n", "Wow my joke really blew up\n", "\n", "[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "subway employee: I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to do that\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: oh i don't work here\n", "\n", "What do those colorful French expressions mean?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "c'est la vie it's alive\r", "\r", "\r\n", "raison d’être raisin of death (every raisin)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cul-de-sac cool sack! (genital compliment)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "gendarme arm gender\r", "\r", "\r\n", "apropos hi, popo! (\"hello, officer\")\n", "\n", "I WAS TOLD THERE WOULD BE A HANDBASKET\n", "\n", "My hair dryer needs to be turned on and off four times before it will work and now I know what a burden it must be to have sex with me.\n", "\n", "Colombia says time running out for peace talks with ELN rebels \n", "\n", "My girlfriend left me cause she's sick of me \"quoting her all the time\"...\n", "\n", "If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.\n", "\n", "UAE bans its citizens from traveling to Lebanon: State News Agency \n", "\n", "Dead men are simple very cool.\n", "\n", "Three sperm whales have been found on the beach at Skegness. Or as they're also known, local lasses.\n", "\n", "Note to thieves: Steal from a thug, chances are his PIN #s are one of three 4-letter swear words.\n", "\n", "Lennon thought it would be a good idea for the musicians to live under one roof to ensure they would get to the studio on time , so Pang rented a beach house in Santa Monica , for her , Lennon , Nilsson , Ringo Starr and Keith Moon to live in . At this time , Pang encouraged Lennon to reach out to family and friends.\n", "\n", "The project 's famous Fish Mouth was cracked but not severely damaged otherwise.\n", "\n", "Its name is derived from ` Replacement Parts Company ' , referring to one of its major lines of work.\n", "\n", "let’s talk about shrek, baby\r", "\r", "\r\n", "let’s talk about skin that’s green\r", "\r", "\r\n", "let’s talk about swamps and farquaad\r", "\r", "\r\n", "and how a dragon fucked a donkey\r", "\r", "\r\n", "let’s talk about shrek\n", "\n", "White House says National Security Adviser Susan Rice has spoken to China about North Korea\n", "\n", "Madaya, Syria residents \"skinny, tired, severely distressed\" WHO official tells Reuters \n", "\n", "Like many first-generation DMU classes , they never carried their 125xxx TOPS set numbers.\n", "\n", "My nudes come with an apology letter.\n", "\n", "I’d eat healthier but if I’m not having sex I see no reason to try to live longer.\n", "\n", "They have two children : Jayden Will , born in 2004 in Hammersmith and Fulham , London ; and Renee , born in June 2008.\n", "\n", "The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking.\n", "\n", "ME: Break it to me, Doc\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "DOCTOR: [pop and locks, spins on head, b-boy stance] You're dying\n", "\n", "Weather outside is BEAUTIFUL today. I think I'll go for a run. I won't do it, but I'll think about it.\n", "\n", "A Hungry Belly Has No Ears\n", "\n", "Jeff Bezos' space company successfully re-flies, lands rocket \n", "\n", "IMF's Lagarde seeks second term as managing director of the International Monetary Fund: \n", "\n", "EU sanctions on Russia at risk without Ukraine reforms -Denmark \n", "\n", "Can you sue a Chinese restaurant for damages incurred as a result of bad fortune cookie advice?\n", "\n", "when Hitler demanded that Denmark yield up its Jewish population, thousands of Danes hid Jews in their homes or smuggled them out in boats. Police and government officials at all levels assisted in the rescue. Over 90 percent of Denmark’s 7,000 Jews survived the war.\n", "\n", "Friendlier skies: British Airways will resume direct flights to Iran from July. \n", "\n", "Time to buy the classic Dog Piss game for my family, the game where a dog pisses in my children’s faces\n", "\n", "The time with Lower provided the young Norma Jeane with one of the few stable periods in her life.\n", "\n", "The hour is a unit of time.\n", "\n", "The instructions must name these values in order to distinguish them from one another.\n", "\n", "[seeing a bikini pic of a friend on facebook and ignoring the rest of the post] still hot as hell girl\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[day later, reading the post]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "friend: hey everyone, i have cancer\n", "\n", "My son announces he is going to empty the dishwasher with the same tone and tenor as if he is off to war.\n", "\n", "Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind\n", "\n", "For full season records see Oakland Athletics seasons.\n", "\n", "Masur has been married three times.\n", "\n", "[desert island]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: look!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: what?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: a boat!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: HEEEEEELP!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *writing* day 287, she's still afraid of boats\n", "\n", "Kerry and Abbas to meet in Jordan in Sunday \n", "\n", "Islamic State territory shrinks in Iraq and Syria: U.S.-led coalition \n", "\n", "It is one of many International observances declared for specific days , months and years.\n", "\n", "\"Nothing is really lost until your mom can't find it.\"\n", "\n", "Teach a woman to carry an umbrella, she will be dry for a day\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Have a roommate who works at a bar, have umbrellas for the rest of your life\n", "\n", "hey guys. i make a lot of jokes on here but i need to ask something of you. my dad is going to die if he doesn't get a kidney. if you're able to donate one, you'd save his life. please share this and consider donating here: https://www.gofundme.com/let039s-get-this-kidney&rcid=r01-155839270145-ba75502d9c6a4fe3&pc=tw_co_campmgmt_m …\n", "\n", "U.S. airfares to Puerto Rico slide; debt crisis, Zika weigh \n", "\n", "Victor Hugo 's first mature work of fiction appeared in 1829 , and reflected the acute social conscience that would infuse his later work.\n", "\n", "I may be wearing a shapeless, unattractive dress that is several sizes too big and resembles a muumuu/tent hybrid but I have never been more comfortable so fashion can eat my entire ass today\n", "\n", "The team plays its home games in Westman Communications Group Place.\n", "\n", "Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.\n", "\n", "damn it just hit me.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "the tweet itself is haiku.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "what are the chances!\n", "\n", "Turkish army says 18 Kurdish militants killed in southeast \n", "\n", "Fair territory between home plate and the outfield boundary is baseball 's field of play , though significant events can take place in foul territory , as well.\n", "\n", "[medusa's husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]\n", "\n", "\"El Chapo\" wants to accelerate extradition to U.S. in hope prison treatment will be better: \n", "\n", "You can't call it Viagra anymore! Copyright law! You now have to use it's proper medical name. Mycoxafloppin\n", "\n", "Also included are two wild cards that depict an infantry , cavalry , and artillery piece , as opposed to one of the three and a territory . Because these cards have all three symbols , they can match with any two other cards to form a set.\n", "\n", "Butler: what would you like to do today sir\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: I wish to die, Wesley\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Butler: very well sir. Will that be before or after lunch?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: what's for lunch?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Butler: macaroni and cheese, sir\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: with the bacon bits?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Butler: yes sir\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: after lunch, then\n", "\n", "How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one not to change it.\n", "\n", "Between The Upper And Nether Millstone\n", "\n", "South China Sea tensions surge as China lands plane on artificial island \n", "\n", "Baby furbies come in 24 different colors.\n", "\n", "I absolutely hate my mother-in-law. She's actually quite a nice person, but she brought my wife into the world.\n", "\n", "earth: I’m dying \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "humans: I’m sorry you feel that way\n", "\n", "France eyes deals for Airbus, Peugeot, farming as Iran visits: \n", "\n", "Campaign for 'Brexit' takes nine-point lead - YouGov poll \n", "\n", "One disadvantage of symmetric-key algorithms is the requirement of a shared secret key , with one copy at each end.\n", "\n", "Interpol refuses Russian request for Khodorkovsky search notice: TASS \n", "\n", "Guy who only speaks in letters: U-R-A-B\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bee: Yes, that’s correct\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Guy: Y-R-U-A-B?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bee: I was born that way\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Guy: O, I-C\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bee: I’m going back to the hive now\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Guy: O-K, C-U\n", "\n", "Police are after the 'knitting needle nutter' who's stabbed 6 people. They believe he's following some kind of pattern.\n", "\n", "I never win at Scrable.\n", "\n", "[Tattoo Parlor]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Hi, I'd like to get a tattoo on my calf.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Calf: *nervous mooing*\n", "\n", "Describe yourself in three words. 1) Lazy 2) 3)\n", "\n", "wait what’d you say?\n", "\n", "Simone was born Eunice Kathleen Waymon in Tryon , North Carolina one of eight children in a poor family.\n", "\n", "A refugee will be a torch bearer in 2016, Olympic committee says: \n", "\n", "*creating hannibal lecter*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "what if frasier ate people\n", "\n", "They form a large sweet fruit with a thin skin.\n", "\n", "My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.\n", "\n", "There is also one First Nation with an Indian reserve , where the Chippewas of Georgina Island First Nation reside.\n", "\n", "Egypt's parliament meets after more than three-year absence \n", "\n", "Too Swift Arrives As Tardy As Too Slow\n", "\n", " Saudi Arabia says to cut flights, trade with Iran, ban visits: \n", "\n", "whenever i hear someone say “my therapist said” my ears perk way up. that’s free therapy\n", "\n", "Others live subtidally.\n", "\n", "None of these laws carry the distinctive punishment reserved for the common scold.\n", "\n", "Yo Mama is so dumb, she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.\n", "\n", "White rice is cooked separately.\n", "\n", "CAUTION: Reading the entire medication warning may cause drowsi....\n", "\n", "I got arrested for killing a black man. They charged me with impersonating a police officer.\n", "\n", "Where do Bees use the bathroom? At the BP station. \n", "\n", "I love cooking children and dogs. but I hate using commas.\n", "\n", "hate when im a demon in a one on one blues guitar jam competition for a guys soul and his friend whips out a harmonica to accompany him\n", "\n", "Many of the road passes are well known , such as the Grimsel Pass.\n", "\n", "Russia: Terrorists are not pawns in geopolitical games in Middle East - RIA \n", "\n", "He That Commits A Fault Thinks Everyone Speaks Of It\n", "\n", "To protect Chinese investment, Pakistan military leaves little to chance \n", "\n", "Child watchdogs warn of European refugee 'race to the bottom' \n", "\n", "As foreign crises pile up, Obama seen taking few risks in final year \n", "\n", "The picture on your lockscreen is the modern version of a picture in a locket. That's why I wear my phone on a gold chain around my neck\n", "\n", "Women drivers are like stars in the sky. You can see them, but they can't see you.\n", "\n", "The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.\n", "\n", "Muslim woman says Trump backers are supporting 'hateful rhetoric' \n", "\n", "[during sex]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Her: Oh oh oh\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: O'RILEEEEEEY\n", "\n", "What kind of bees produce milk? Boo-bees.\n", "\n", "I did not fall flat on my face. I was testing gravity, and just so you know, it still works.\n", "\n", "*when will my husband return from the war voice* \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "when will my boyfriend get off work\n", "\n", "Earthquake in Taiwan causes building collapse. 123 people rescued so far, say firefighters. \n", "\n", "`` Tomorrow Never Knows '' is the final track of The Beatles ' 1966 studio album Revolver but the first to be recorded.\n", "\n", "North Korea possibly tested hydrogen bomb: CNN, citing U.S. official \n", "\n", "Yo mama is so fat, she was baptized at Sea World.\n", "\n", "When you die on the toilet but you have 8 more lives\n", "\n", "My son just got a pull-up bar and is feeling a little weak. I told him to keep his chin up.\n", "\n", "Their work with the abolitionist society helped attract thousands of women in New England to the movement , as many came to hear Sarah and Angelina speak at public lectures.\n", "\n", "Europe has ended five years of sanctions on Belarus: \n", "\n", "My 13 year old daughter has friends spending the night. Does anyone know if they will ever quiet down and go to sleep?\n", "\n", "U.S. troop reinforcements head for embattled southern Afghan province \n", "\n", "For buildings of much over seven stories , traction lifts must be employed instead.\n", "\n", "ME: Can I buy you a drink?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "HER: I have a boyfriend.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.\n", "\n", "Finally , he couldn't take it any longer and asked for medical assistance.\n", "\n", "My son’s pet hamster died and he wanted to bury it and hold a service for it, which I thought was rather beautiful and then the cheeky little thing said we had to have ice cream cake at the wake because “that’s what Fredo would have wanted”\n", "\n", "Democratic hopeful Sanders attacks Clinton's 'progressive' credentials \n", "\n", "Japan's scandals, shaky economy erode Abe's support as polls loom \n", "\n", "Daniel keep going, count is only at 40.\n", "\n", "Twitter responds to first anniversary of Charlie Hebdo attacks - and Donald Trump weighs in: \n", "\n", "Note that Adrastea is now the name of another satellite of Jupiter.\n", "\n", "gn\n", "\n", "How doe's a Yorkshire man say \"it isn't in the tin?\" \"Tin tin tin\".\n", "\n", "Security concerns over radioactive material stolen in Iraq: \n", "\n", "My mate fucking hates his surname, Potato. Although not as much as his wife, Jackie does.\n", "\n", "A two-car set with 16 first class and 100 second class seats weighed just under 60 long tons , representing 1,150 lb a seat and had 5 hp per ton of empty weight or 4.35 hp per ton when full.\n", "\n", "Airbag problems cause VW recall of 680,000 brand cars in U.S.: \n", "\n", "Two cows in a field, one says\"What do you think of mad cow disease?\"The other cow replies \"Won't affect me, I'm a helicopter!\"\n", "\n", "Show us the way to the next pretty boy to Show me the way to the next little girl.\n", "\n", "Iran signals tough stance in oil producers' talks \n", "\n", "As part of Mattel's \"Fashionista\" line, intended to promote diversity and more realistic body types, they proudly announce their new \"Greek Barbie\".\n", "\n", "\"Describe yourself in three words.\" \"Lazy.\"\n", "\n", "Banned, fined or suspended? Check the list - FIFA's Rogues' Gallery: \n", "\n", "Cuban tourism boom seen slowing, but finding a room still hard \n", "\n", "Jack is Barbossa 's pet capuchin monkey , named after Jack Sparrow.\n", "\n", "U.N. chief tells Israel, Palestinians: 'writing is on the wall' \n", "\n", "How do you turn a Fox into an Elephant? Marry her.\n", "\n", "The official national language is Mandarin Chinese though the majority also speak Taiwanese and many also speak Hakka.\n", "\n", "Bad News Has Wings\n", "\n", "Two Heads Are Better Than One\n", "\n", "I remember how much things changed when my last girlfriend got pregnant. Like my name, address and telephone number.\n", "\n", "Water mills were still in commercial use well into the twentieth century , however.\n", "\n", "Okay, it’s fine, she thought I was kidding.\n", "\n", "music store clerk, after an hour or so: Can I help you?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me, still can’t remember the word ‘castanets’: I’d like your finest applause clams.\n", "\n", "What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?\n", "\n", "Malaysia review panel asks anti-graft agency to continue PM Najib probe \n", "\n", "What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole? A 40-foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.\n", "\n", "Mother of 'affluenza' Texas teen waives right to fight extradition \n", "\n", "The marriage was not to last long as Emibai died a few months later.\n", "\n", "The members of this sect , like the Mandaeans , wore white and performed baptisms.\n", "\n", "[gets anchor tattoo removed]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Oh dear\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[slowly floats towards the sun]\n", "\n", "Two identical photos of me after a week in the sun.\n", "\n", "Why are all blonde jokes one-liners? So men can understand them.\n", "\n", "I have a gay friend who works in construction. He works in a manhole.\n", "\n", "Luis was the first L name to be retired since 1954 , and was the first Atlantic hurricane name to be retired in three years since Hurricane Andrew in 1992.\n", "\n", "I have a drinking problem. If Jake has 5 beers and Dan has 4…\n", "\n", "Family of Oregon occupier shot by law enforcement alleges cover-up \n", "\n", "I took my wife's family out for tea and biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.\n", "\n", "Claudius also suffered setbacks in his personal life , one of which may have led to his murder.\n", "\n", "Mangrove trees live right in the water.\n", "\n", "The binomial name derives from two Latin words : Turdus , `` thrush '' , and migratorius from migrare `` to go ''.\n", "\n", "imagine if when you drank fizzy drinks your pee would come out carbonated\n", "\n", "China gearing up for East Asia dominance: U.S. commander \n", "\n", "Factbox - Five worst snowstorms in New York City history \n", "\n", "Harry, you’re a wizard\r", "\r", "\r\n", "go to Hogwarts and stay.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Harry, you’re a wizard,\r", "\r", "\r\n", "doing magic’s okay.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "and all the Wizards will cla-a-aim.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Voldemort is Heeee\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Who Must Not Be Na-a-amed.\n", "\n", "With Latam visit, Turkey's Erdogan seeks to bolster trade \n", "\n", "Shooting and bomb threats at nine schools in New Jersey: NBC\n", "\n", "Streicher was born in Fleinhausen , Kingdom of Bavaria , one of nine children of the teacher Friedrich Streicher and his wife Anna.\n", "\n", "What do you call a man in the sea with no arms and no legs? Bob\n", "\n", "Why is it called PMS? Because mad cow disease was taken.\n", "\n", "Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.\n", "\n", "More survivors rescued two days after Taiwan quake, but death toll could exceed 100: \n", "\n", "Mortar attack kills four in Somali capital: police \n", "\n", "Let's not forget, Third Way, DNC twitter trolls, Politico, The Hill, and on and on were all attacking Liz Warren non-stop just a few months ago. They do not like her.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "It was all of us on the left who defended her against these attacks. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Centrists stand for absolutely nothing.\n", "\n", "If Wishes Were Horses, Beggars Might Ride\n", "\n", "Initiation may be thought of as an event which may help teens prepare themselves to be good husbands and wives.\n", "\n", "A Heavy Purse Makes A Light Heart\n", "\n", "I'm going to order a pizza and act confused when it arrives. 'for Chase? Chase is DEAD! He died ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago!\n", "\n", "86-day Palestinian hunger strike challenges Israeli detention policy \n", "\n", "her: come over \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i cant, im at work \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: the bees aren't here\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: what\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: the bees are not here in my home \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: is... is this the bees \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "her: no\n", "\n", "I was gonna send my awful 'Fish in Herb Sauce' back to the chef. But I'm not sure sure if it's the thyme or the plaice.\n", "\n", "Many years later when Max is in middle school , the real story begins.\n", "\n", "While early superscalar CPUs would have two ALUs and a single FPU , a modern design such as the PowerPC 970 includes four ALUs , two FPUs , and two SIMD units.\n", "\n", "if the new Frankenstein isn't a detective trying to solve the murders of each one of his body parts then i don't know what we're doing here\n", "\n", "Today , trophies are much less expensive , and thus much more pervasive , thanks to mass produced plastic trophies.\n", "\n", "Far From Eye, Far From Heart\n", "\n", "Europe's free travel will end unless Turkey halts migrant flow, officials say \n", "\n", "Ordinary average looking people then. \r", "\r", "\r\n", "And incidentally, what a strange and bizarre man you are.\n", "\n", "Me drafting tweets when i’m drunk: this is hilarious! \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me reading drafts when i’m sober: potango: a love story of a potato and a mango\n", "\n", "ME: [constantly desperate for attention]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ALSO ME: lol no not from u\n", "\n", "Global stocks rally as global slowdown fears fade: \n", "\n", "Me: [yelling at raccoon] leave my garbage alone\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Raccoon: [calmly tents hands] sir, think about what you’re saying…don’t you pay for garbage removal? My services are free\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: wow I never thought-\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[meanwhile, 3 of his little burglar friends are successfully stealing my car]\n", "\n", "A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.\n", "\n", "Clipboards can be made of many things.\n", "\n", "Militant attacks in Asia inject new urgency into U.S. bomb training \n", "\n", "Active shooter reported at Naval Medical Center San Diego: center. \n", "\n", "Hubble Telescope starts capturing image after image of dying galaxies and doomed planets. Then it turns its cameras on Earth and sends back to us one final picture zoomed in on our own stunned faces.\n", "\n", "Kangaroo mice construct burrows in fine sand.\n", "\n", "The town received its Hungarian name at this time from a castle steward named Suprun.\n", "\n", "What did Barack Obama say to Michelle when he proposed? \"I don't wanna be Obama self\"\n", "\n", "Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.\n", "\n", "When the killer is a woman\n", "\n", "What do you call a Boomerang that doesn't come back? A Stick.\n", "\n", "I'm sick to death of cocaine dealers always sticking their business in other people's noses.\n", "\n", "An alternative interpretation of unvorsum is `` everything rotated as one '' or `` everything rotated by one ''.\n", "\n", "While There Is Life There Is Hope\n", "\n", "i have the most supportive friends \n", "\n", "Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too!\n", "\n", "China goes underground to expand its strategic oil reserves \n", "\n", "I had such fun birthdays when I was small my parents would always get bounce castles and stuff so that’s probably why they make me so sad now but what if I got myself a bounce Castle this year and get a theme like princess stuff with little gift bags then maybe I’ll be happy\n", "\n", "some dude in like 1960, probably: women??? canNOT go to SPACE?!?!? with the decreased graVITY, their TITTIES would fALL clean OFf yeS i'm righ t i did th emath\n", "\n", "Spain's Socialist leader hopes for confidence vote at beginning of March \n", "\n", "I've gotta stop saying \"How stupid can you be?\". Too many people are taking it as a challenge.\n", "\n", "Titanic was a slut. She went down on the first date and ironically swallowed a bunch of seamen, too.\n", "\n", "Longfellow would live there for the remainder of his life.\n", "\n", "Trump has a 5 point lead over Cruz in SC, according to NBC/WSJ/Marist poll\n", "\n", "God: you run really fast.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Horse: sweet.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: people ride you in circles for sport.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Horse: kindof weird but ok\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God: also don’t break a leg.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Horse: why?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "God:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Horse: God? why?\n", "\n", "bank robber: everybody on the ground or i'll shoot\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "teller: oh no\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "customers: oh no\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "guy who does crossfit: [really wanting to talk about crossfit but realizing it's not an appropriate time] oh no\n", "\n", "Wife: I think you should stop reading comic books to our daughter.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: why?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife: she just asked the dog his origin story.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Wife:\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: what did he say?\n", "\n", "Then , he asked one little favor - the sweater he had worn in the last world series . ''\n", "\n", "I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop any time I want.\n", "\n", "The year is 2025 long dead brands bots flicker manufacturered quips back and forth to each other in one last gasp of electricity before going dark.\n", "\n", "You can't spell \"I'll have salad\" without 'live all sad'\n", "\n", "My wife left me because she said I was obsessed with plants. I asked her \"where's this stemming from petal?\"\n", "\n", "He first rose to regional prominence through his defense of New England shipping interests.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between an arts student and a table? A table can support itself \n", "\n", "For more information , see.\n", "\n", "paramedic: sir, I tried “Wife” from your phone and she didn’t pick up \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "my husband: *gasping for breath* you have to call twice\n", "\n", "He died on New Year 's Eve.\n", "\n", "French PM pledges more military support for Sahel to fight insurgents \n", "\n", "Marianne Curley , is an Australian author best known for her Guardians of Time Trilogy and Old Magic books.\n", "\n", "DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: ah the lion, nature’s finest predator\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "LION: wear something tasteful with a hint of mysterious sex appeal; a touch of cologne is ok, but don’t overdo; prepare a couple of colorful anecdotes that reveal the essence of your personality; ask her open-ended questi\n", "\n", "(during sex) *hacker voice* im in\n", "\n", "[after the Rapture] \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Him: *sorting through scattered belongings* goddamnit\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *smugly* I TOLD you we wouldn't find airpods\n", "\n", "Some Idiots says, \"Behind every successful man, there is a woman\" But nobody knows the fact \"Women go only behind the successful men\".\n", "\n", "Behind every successful man, there's a surprised woman.\n", "\n", "They Must Hunger In Winter That Will Not Work In Summer\n", "\n", "My friends think I'm too indecisive. I don't know what to think of that\n", "\n", "I have a joke about unemployment, but it needs some work.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the angry gymnast? He just flipped.\n", "\n", "The last time I mentioned a script I read, it was days of people being mad at me. Maybe you'll be less mad if I tell you that I really love BILL & TED FACE THE MUSIC and can't wait to see it multiple times?\n", "\n", "ME: How did you survive the flood?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "FRIEND: I floated to safety on the back of a zoo animal.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ME: *whispering* giraft\n", "\n", "Glinka also composed many art songs , many piano pieces , and some chamber music.\n", "\n", "SNOW CONE SHACK: what flavor do you want \r", "\r", "\r\n", "VAMPIRE: can I get tigers blood\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SNOW CONE SHACK: sorry we are all out \r", "\r", "\r\n", "VAMPIRE: ok Uhm do you have sacrificial lamb?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "SNOW CONE SHACK: what\n", "\n", "Up to ten killed by suicide attack in northern Nigeria \n", "\n", "blink-182 friends and family show last night. @fogagain https://www.instagram.com/p/By_KNjeBBt-/?igshid=1q1tbeojg5v9b …\n", "\n", "Russia opposes South Sudan arms embargo, sanctions on leaders \n", "\n", "*I tweet about the treatment of children at detention centers*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*woman responds that they shouldn’t have come here illegally*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*I respond that these children are mostly entering legally at ports of entry, seeking asylum*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "*she blocks me*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "They don’t want to know. They don’t care.\n", "\n", "I’m opening a store in Brooklyn called Candle and Pants. We will sell neither of these items. Please come!\n", "\n", "Though their life expectancy in the wild is six years , flying squirrels may live fifteen years in captivity.\n", "\n", "The village has two small supermarkets , two cash dispensing machines , one takeaway food outlet and five restaurants.\n", "\n", "It 's nevertheless heartening to hear Sarah spreading her musical wings by trying new types of songs that wouldn't have been considered in the lineup of her showy first albums . ''\n", "\n", "I want to find my true self. But for fun, I decided to throw on some camouflage.\n", "\n", "interviewer: please, sit down \r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: thank you\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "interviewer: not on my lap\n", "\n", "In this case there are 999,999 doors with goats behind them and one door with a prize . The player picks a door.\n", "\n", "The Gospel of John refers to one disciple as the one whom Jesus loved.\n", "\n", "[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions\n", "\n", "Me: it’s so nice my kid is playing so quietly\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My child, nonchalantly walking out of the kitchen:\n", "\n", "Germany expects 500,000 refugees this year: newspaper \n", "\n", "One day , when the pianist didn't arrive by show time , Basie took his place.\n", "\n", "Like masalas , these movies are a mixture of many things such as action , comedy , romance etc..\n", "\n", "Thousands flee as Russian-backed offensive threatens to besiege Aleppo: \n", "\n", "Uganda's Museveni wins election; opposition cries foul \n", "\n", "What was the victim of the car crash wearing? A Casual-Tee\n", "\n", "The brazenness of the Jakarta attacks suggest a new brand of militancy in Indonesia: \n", "\n", "São Paulo has two main airports.\n", "\n", "I... what are the metrics for this\n", "\n", "Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market. Oh the irony.\n", "\n", "Yaks transport goods across mountain passes for local farmers and traders as well as for climbing and trekking expeditions . `` Only one thing makes it hard to use yaks for long journeys in barren regions.\n", "\n", "After a recent accident, I managed to save loads of money on my car insurance. By driving away really quickly.\n", "\n", "{\\__/}\r", "\r", "\r\n", "( • . •)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "/ > u want some turkish delight?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "{\\__/}\r", "\r", "\r\n", "( •- •)\r", "\r", "\r\n", "< \\ bring hither the son of Adam and the two daughters of Eve\n", "\n", "what if i’m being haunted by a snail ghost and just don’t know it\n", "\n", "Me: look at this stupid thing lol\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it's like a father to me\n", "\n", "Mysterious pinwheels and telephones rise out of the meadow to show the days ' activities.\n", "\n", "China accuses detained Swede of fabricating information \n", "\n", "Pan 's Labyrinth has won numerous international awards , including three Academy Awards , the Ariel Award for Best Picture and the 2007 Hugo Award for Best Dramatic Presentation , Long Form.\n", "\n", "See the for additional usage information.\n", "\n", "Honoring Holocaust heroes, Obama warns against rise of intolerance \n", "\n", "sure I would love to save a sea turtle or two but what will we snort cocaine with if straws go extinct\n", "\n", "People always say that tattoos are a great way of preserving precious memories. In case you forget that anchor.. or your Mothers name.\n", "\n", "John Lennon: imagine all the people\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: John music has progressed we are imagining dragons now\n", "\n", "[desert island]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: look!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: what?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: a boat!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "wife: HEEEEEELP!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *writing* day 287, she's still afraid of boats\n", "\n", "[my papercut slowly heals over the course of two weeks]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "ᶦ ᵃᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ᵂᵒˡᵛᵉʳᶦⁿᵉ\n", "\n", "The local kids are all scared of the custard and jelly covered house at the end of our street. I've no idea why, it's obviously desserted.\n", "\n", "How many people who are terrible at telling jokes, does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side.\n", "\n", "Did you hear about the dyslexic man that walked into a bra?\n", "\n", "No one makes a bigger deal about driving to work than firetrucks.\n", "\n", "What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I've never begged to have a lentil on my face.\n", "\n", "i feel like if someone really told me they were a cop i’d try to pretend i was too and see how long i could get away with it\n", "\n", "cop: you're free to go\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: but\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: go on now\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: please\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: *runs into the forest*\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "cop: :'(\n", "\n", "Billionaire Mikhelson becomes Russia's richest man: Forbes \n", "\n", "Why do squirrels swim on their backs? To keep their nuts dry!\n", "\n", "What is the difference between ooooh and aaaah?About three inches.\n", "\n", "Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.\n", "\n", "31 years ago today the doctor delivered me.I can't believe I've survived so long without a liver.\n", "\n", "Indian tax office tells Vodafone to pay $2 billion in tax dispute: \n", "\n", "What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.\n", "\n", "let’s have some fun this beat is sick\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "i wanna vaccinate your fucking kids\n", "\n", "Upon this attack , all his men were killed , and his life was spared by a man called the Painted Man.\n", "\n", "Greece seeks to stem migrant flow from islands to mainland \n", "\n", "Why is the alcoholic law student sad? Because he couldn't pass the bar.\n", "\n", "UPDATE: UK Interior Minister May says deeply disturbing that Russian state probably involved in Litvinenko murder. \n", "\n", "The scales around the ears , lips , chin , and soles of the feet may have three or more sensory plaques.\n", "\n", "U.N. wants marathon Syrian peace talks to begin this week but opposition threatens boycott: \n", "\n", "[How I imagined my 20s as a kid]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "partying, drinking, staying out all night\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[What my 20s are actually like]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "keeping a close eye on the birds in the backyard because I'm pretty sure they are in a rival gang that opposes the squirrels & I wanna see how that drama plays out honestly\n", "\n", "Heavy gunfire heard as operation to flush out gunmen in Kashmir enters third day \n", "\n", "Budget key for reforms, lowering inflation - Raghuram Rajan \n", "\n", "Using science to open the gates of hell\n", "\n", "Justice Scalia dead: San Antonio Express-News \n", "\n", "My doctor has a great sense of humour. He leaves me in stitches.\n", "\n", "Good cop: we just wanna help u out here\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Bat cop: WHY ARE U UPSIDE DOWN U SONOFABITCH\n", "\n", "Blatter and Platini bans upheld, reduced to six years \n", "\n", "I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home. I didn't like being ordered around in that manor.\n", "\n", "U.S. issues travel alert over Zika virus in Latin America, Caribbean \n", "\n", "Islamic state media outlet confirms 'Jihadi John' is dead: SITE \n", "\n", "[watching Jaws]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: Which ones Jaws\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Girlfriend: Who do u think?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell\n", "\n", "we could hugely improve the quality of education in this country by introducing mandatory classes in basic life skills (cooking, doing taxes), the history of popular culture, and how the Holocaust happened.\n", "\n", "Who picks up shit from a seeing eye dog?\n", "\n", "[school reunion]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "everyone: mirror selfies!\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "lana: *slowly removing name tag*\n", "\n", "Lloyds to pay special dividend as profits rise: \n", "\n", "Turkish air strikes hit PKK camps in northern Iraq after Ankara bomb kills 28: \n", "\n", "The Canadiens defeated the Rosebuds three games to two in the best of five games series , winning the Stanley Cup for the first time in team history.\n", "\n", "I was so upset the other day by an out-of-body experience. I was beside myself.\n", "\n", "Record attendance in my acting class last night. Truly amazing. #LondonArtsActingSchool\n", "\n", "The jocks from high school are fat now, the nerds are rich, the goth kids are accountants with sensible family sedans, and the DJs are still DJs.\n", "\n", "What does a toilet, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common? Men usually miss all three.\n", "\n", "Turkey will not allow Syrian town of Azaz to fall to Kurdish militia: PM \n", "\n", "\"He made 'Blackstar' for us, his parting gift.\" \n", "\n", "There are three instances where two separate stations share the same name : Edgware Road , Hammersmith and Canary Wharf.\n", "\n", "What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? Homeless.\n", "\n", "How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool. \"Please get out of the pool\".\n", "\n", "Waitt is probably best known for being one of the first baseball players to wear a glove.\n", "\n", "Car bomb in Yemeni port city kills four, injures others: witnesses \n", "\n", "London mayor Boris Johnson will campaign to leave the EU - BBC \n", "\n", "The club was founded in 1892 after the merger of two local clubs , Newcastle East End and Newcastle West End.\n", "\n", "at my wedding my cat will be the flower girl and she will be guided down the aisle with a laser pointer\n", "\n", "They shouldn't call it \"office politics\", if you can't really vote out the bosses.\n", "\n", " Turkey's Erdogan says Syrian suicide bomber believed responsible for blast in Istanbul square\n", "\n", "Doctor: \"You have acute appendicitis.\"\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: *blushing* \"Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.\"\n", "\n", "That 's what and its helper templates are packaging in an easy to use way.\n", "\n", "Permanently subterranean salamanders have reduced eyes , which may even be covered by a layer of skin.\n", "\n", "Syria cessation of hostilities agreement comes into effect \n", "\n", "If I had a quarter for every time homeless person asked me for change, I'd still say no.\n", "\n", "[carving a shiv out of a plastic spoon]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: so what are you in for?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Her: I signed up for this pottery class just like you\n", "\n", "stockholm syndrome was invented in 1689 during the nine years’ war when johannes stockholm lightly kissed a p.o.w. on the forehead\n", "\n", "Turkey has foiled 18 suicide attacks so far this year: interior minister \n", "\n", "Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet. We're a cover band.\n", "\n", "My agent told me to give it a couple years, but he'd make me an overnight success.\n", "\n", "I was in the closet eating cookies hiding from my kids and my 2yo busted in there like some DEA agent an and I hid those cookies like I was hiding weed from my mom.\n", "\n", "It is home to Scottish First Division side Greenock Morton F.C..\n", "\n", "A series of carnivals take place during the White Nights Festival in St. Petersburg.\n", "\n", "Something like that anyway , obviously , even if Vince had done this thing right and signed some good WCW talent we would have had a match a little different due to ... factors such as retirement or injuries or something , but still similar to that . ''\n", "\n", "You Cannot Judge A Tree By It Bark\n", "\n", "My window cleaner was banging on my window shouting and swearing. I thought to myself: he's lost his rag.\n", "\n", "Iran reformists cheer election gains, hardliners play down shift \n", "\n", "Somebody had the audacity to call me 'pretentious' earlier! I nearly choked on my skinny latte with caramel and hazelnut sprinkles.\n", "\n", "Ex-drug CEO Shkreli gets the green light to appear before Congress: \n", "\n", "Trump accuses Cruz of stealing Iowa caucuses through 'fraud' \n", "\n", "Leading Arab journalist Mohamed Hassanein Heikal dies at 92 \n", "\n", "No matter how much you push the envelope, it will always remain stationary.\n", "\n", "I have three hubcaps and I’m blasting the Clueless cd. You’re going to want to let me over.\n", "\n", "His first work , the Bauernspiegel , appeared in 1837.\n", "\n", "I had a dream I was a muffler last night. Woke up exhausted.\n", "\n", "Police arrested two kids yesterday,one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off\n", "\n", "I'm a virgin for religious reasons. God made me really ugly.\n", "\n", "On the first day after , Vulcan stared at this fire for hours on end.\n", "\n", "Pilate asks the crowd whom they would like to be released.\n", "\n", "my airpods accidentally disconnected and now everyone at grandma's funeral knows I'm listening to Old Town Road\n", "\n", "The old skin breaks near the mouth and the snake wriggles out , aided by rubbing against rough surfaces . In many cases the cast skin peels backward over the body from head to tail in one piece , like pulling a sock off inside-out.\n", "\n", "283 : War with Rome.\n", "\n", "noooo don’t go to war with iran ur sooo sexy ahaa \n", "\n", "I had to chase a mugger after he stole my wallet. He gave me a run for my money.\n", "\n", "I slept right through the alarm this morning. Good thing it was only a small fire.\n", "\n", "What do you call bears with no ears? B\n", "\n", "really don’t wanna get political on here but Steak-umm is pretty good\n", "\n", "Clones are people two.\n", "\n", "I don't believe in spanking my children. I find that waving a gun around works just as well..\n", "\n", "[being murdered]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: hey\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "murderer: what\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: i do CrossFit\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "[later]\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "detective: it's like the killer vomited while stabbing him\n", "\n", "EU should fulfil promises in three billion euro migrant deal: Turkey's EU minister \n", "\n", "i just watched this at work at the host stand waiting to see myself and i am not disappointed\n", "\n", "One year after #JeSuisCharlie, a divided France struggles: \n", "\n", "\"Wanna take this outside?\" I say, spinning my nunchucks. Nana backs down. As usual.\n", "\n", "I am so stupid and so tired please stop expecting things from me\n", "\n", "me: i fell down rollerblading on a treadmill\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "police sketch artist: i thought you said you were attacked\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "me: by my own hubris\n", "\n", "Since the first round of the NHL playoffs consist of 8 series , there will always be 22 teams in this list - the 14 teams that don't make the post-season in the last season plus the 8 teams that lost the first round playoffs.\n", "\n", "Me: *fighting back tears, but physically, and with nunchucks*\n", "\n", "Stolen Pleasures Are Sweetest\n", "\n", "What do you call a man who can't stop stealing? Nick.\n", "\n", "The Angara 1.1 version is expected to be completed first ; its first launch will reportedly take place in 2012 from the Plesetsk Cosmodrome and in 2014 from Baikonur Cosmodrome.\n", "\n", "Why did the riot police show up early to the protest? They wanted to beat the crowd.\n", "\n", "My body is a temple.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My mind is a circus.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My car is a trash compactor.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "My apartment is a frat house.\r", "\r", "\r\n", "I could do this all day.\n", "\n", "The downside of being a bomb disposal technician? It takes me six hours to open my Christmas presents.\n", "\n", "Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer's day?\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Me: sure\r", "\r", "\r\n", "\r", "\r", "\r\n", "Shakespeare: okay. summer's day > you\n", "\n" ] } ], "source": [ "#Create word vectors for every row\n", "\n", "text=[]\n", "for index,row in df.iterrows():\n", " print(str(row['sentence'])+\"\\n\")\n", " sentence_word_list = [word for word in str(row['sentence']).lower().split()]\n", " text.append(sentence_word_list)\n", "w2v = Word2Vec(text, min_count=1)" ] }, { "cell_type": "code", "execution_count": 6, "metadata": {}, "outputs": [ { "name": "stderr", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\ipykernel_launcher.py:6: DeprecationWarning: Call to deprecated `__getitem__` (Method will be removed in 4.0.0, use self.wv.__getitem__() instead).\n", " \n" ] } ], "source": [ "#Create sentence vectors. For now, we'll just do this by averaging word vectors created in step before \n", "vector_record=[]\n", "for index,row in df.iterrows():\n", " sentence = str(row['sentence'])\n", " if len(sentence)!=0:\n", " sentence_vect = sum([w2v[w] for w in sentence.lower().split()])/(len(sentence.split())+0.001)\n", " else: \n", " sentence_vect = np.zeros((100,)) #shouldn't come here ideally\n", " vector_record.append(sentence_vect) " ] }, { "cell_type": "code", "execution_count": 7, "metadata": {}, "outputs": [ { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ " 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 \\\n", "0 -0.245083 -0.174821 0.143941 -0.378490 0.140310 -0.259829 0.229624 \n", "1 -0.437979 -0.489107 0.269368 -0.900961 0.439917 -0.531033 0.304024 \n", "2 -0.696487 -0.411341 0.422246 -1.046507 0.455577 -0.760354 0.533977 \n", "3 -0.241342 -0.156529 0.117742 -0.326810 0.096481 -0.226775 0.210885 \n", "4 -0.794764 -0.654322 0.470456 -1.460616 0.711015 -0.978893 0.605722 \n", "\n", " 7 8 9 ... 90 91 92 \\\n", "0 0.311101 0.054026 0.021631 ... 0.169229 0.010836 -0.052530 \n", "1 0.414951 0.269275 -0.053213 ... 0.506081 0.197589 -0.009698 \n", "2 0.712477 0.159773 -0.066327 ... 0.521351 0.036272 -0.213056 \n", "3 0.298391 0.023668 0.020619 ... 0.144567 -0.002678 -0.064260 \n", "4 0.747039 0.363303 -0.086984 ... 0.792258 0.185180 -0.090300 \n", "\n", " 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 \n", "0 -0.257693 -0.186274 0.080124 0.335244 0.244880 -0.216123 0.351840 \n", "1 -0.620904 -0.280427 0.039135 0.585190 0.612034 -0.574085 0.800219 \n", "2 -0.706699 -0.501141 0.175384 0.848461 0.805476 -0.672414 1.078936 \n", "3 -0.231198 -0.152619 0.104712 0.322426 0.223320 -0.184236 0.286905 \n", "4 -0.961702 -0.552848 0.141583 1.055939 0.997611 -0.907777 1.380488 \n", "\n", "[5 rows x 100 columns]\n", "(19383, 100)\n" ] } ], "source": [ "#Chose the first 100 dimensions for modelling\n", "X = pd.DataFrame(vector_record, columns=range(100))\n", "print(X.head())\n", "print(X.shape)\n", "\n", "\n" ] }, { "cell_type": "code", "execution_count": 8, "metadata": {}, "outputs": [ { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "\n", "(19383,)\n" ] } ], "source": [ "y = df['class']\n", "print(type(y))\n", "print(y.shape)\n" ] }, { "cell_type": "code", "execution_count": 9, "metadata": {}, "outputs": [ { "name": "stderr", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\linear_model\\logistic.py:432: FutureWarning: Default solver will be changed to 'lbfgs' in 0.22. Specify a solver to silence this warning.\n", " FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\linear_model\\logistic.py:432: FutureWarning: Default solver will be changed to 'lbfgs' in 0.22. Specify a solver to silence this warning.\n", " FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\linear_model\\logistic.py:432: FutureWarning: Default solver will be changed to 'lbfgs' in 0.22. Specify a solver to silence this warning.\n", " FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\linear_model\\logistic.py:432: FutureWarning: Default solver will be changed to 'lbfgs' in 0.22. Specify a solver to silence this warning.\n", " FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\linear_model\\logistic.py:432: FutureWarning: Default solver will be changed to 'lbfgs' in 0.22. Specify a solver to silence this warning.\n", " FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\linear_model\\logistic.py:432: FutureWarning: Default solver will be changed to 'lbfgs' in 0.22. Specify a solver to silence this warning.\n", " FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\linear_model\\logistic.py:432: FutureWarning: Default solver will be changed to 'lbfgs' in 0.22. Specify a solver to silence this warning.\n", " FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\linear_model\\logistic.py:432: FutureWarning: Default solver will be changed to 'lbfgs' in 0.22. Specify a solver to silence this warning.\n", " FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\linear_model\\logistic.py:432: FutureWarning: Default solver will be changed to 'lbfgs' in 0.22. Specify a solver to silence this warning.\n", " FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\linear_model\\logistic.py:432: FutureWarning: Default solver will be changed to 'lbfgs' in 0.22. Specify a solver to silence this warning.\n", " FutureWarning)\n" ] }, { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "LR: 0.889956 (0.008453)\n", "LDA: 0.900532 (0.007385)\n", "KNN: 0.883197 (0.005089)\n", "CART: 0.852551 (0.005545)\n", "NB: 0.848889 (0.007306)\n" ] }, { "name": "stderr", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\svm\\base.py:196: FutureWarning: The default value of gamma will change from 'auto' to 'scale' in version 0.22 to account better for unscaled features. Set gamma explicitly to 'auto' or 'scale' to avoid this warning.\n", " \"avoid this warning.\", FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\svm\\base.py:196: FutureWarning: The default value of gamma will change from 'auto' to 'scale' in version 0.22 to account better for unscaled features. Set gamma explicitly to 'auto' or 'scale' to avoid this warning.\n", " \"avoid this warning.\", FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\svm\\base.py:196: FutureWarning: The default value of gamma will change from 'auto' to 'scale' in version 0.22 to account better for unscaled features. Set gamma explicitly to 'auto' or 'scale' to avoid this warning.\n", " \"avoid this warning.\", FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\svm\\base.py:196: FutureWarning: The default value of gamma will change from 'auto' to 'scale' in version 0.22 to account better for unscaled features. Set gamma explicitly to 'auto' or 'scale' to avoid this warning.\n", " \"avoid this warning.\", FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\svm\\base.py:196: FutureWarning: The default value of gamma will change from 'auto' to 'scale' in version 0.22 to account better for unscaled features. Set gamma explicitly to 'auto' or 'scale' to avoid this warning.\n", " \"avoid this warning.\", FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\svm\\base.py:196: FutureWarning: The default value of gamma will change from 'auto' to 'scale' in version 0.22 to account better for unscaled features. Set gamma explicitly to 'auto' or 'scale' to avoid this warning.\n", " \"avoid this warning.\", FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\svm\\base.py:196: FutureWarning: The default value of gamma will change from 'auto' to 'scale' in version 0.22 to account better for unscaled features. Set gamma explicitly to 'auto' or 'scale' to avoid this warning.\n", " \"avoid this warning.\", FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\svm\\base.py:196: FutureWarning: The default value of gamma will change from 'auto' to 'scale' in version 0.22 to account better for unscaled features. Set gamma explicitly to 'auto' or 'scale' to avoid this warning.\n", " \"avoid this warning.\", FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\svm\\base.py:196: FutureWarning: The default value of gamma will change from 'auto' to 'scale' in version 0.22 to account better for unscaled features. Set gamma explicitly to 'auto' or 'scale' to avoid this warning.\n", " \"avoid this warning.\", FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\svm\\base.py:196: FutureWarning: The default value of gamma will change from 'auto' to 'scale' in version 0.22 to account better for unscaled features. Set gamma explicitly to 'auto' or 'scale' to avoid this warning.\n", " \"avoid this warning.\", FutureWarning)\n" ] }, { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "SVM: 0.877161 (0.007395)\n" ] } ], "source": [ "#Confirgure for modelling\n", "seed = 23\n", "#Generate model objects\n", "models = []\n", "models.append(('LR', LogisticRegression()))\n", "models.append(('LDA', LinearDiscriminantAnalysis()))\n", "models.append(('KNN', KNeighborsClassifier()))\n", "models.append(('CART', DecisionTreeClassifier()))\n", "models.append(('NB', GaussianNB()))\n", "models.append(('SVM', SVC()))\n", "#Evaluate each model & store results\n", "results = []\n", "names = []\n", "scoring = 'accuracy'\n", "for name, model in models:\n", " kfold = model_selection.KFold(n_splits=10, random_state=seed)\n", " cv_results = model_selection.cross_val_score(model, X, y, cv=kfold, scoring=scoring)\n", " results.append(cv_results)\n", " names.append(name)\n", " msg = \"%s: %f (%f)\" % (name, cv_results.mean(), cv_results.std())\n", " print(msg)" ] }, { "cell_type": "code", "execution_count": 10, "metadata": {}, "outputs": [ { "data": { "image/png": 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nfDcz69mgb9mbmVnPHPZmZiXgsDczKwGHvZlZCTjszcxKYNDvjTPU1XLvn3HjxtVsWWZWWw77Aayvu5T6SFgz68zdOGZmJeCwNzMrAYe9mVkJOOzNzErAYW9mVgIOezOzEnDYm5mVwKDfz37C3MvZ5/xlNV2emdlg02PYSxoGXApMBNYDsyNidWH8mcAMYBNwTkQskdQIXAmMAR4BTo6Ih/qhfu68YHbtz2e/YFbNlmdmVg2VdONMB0ZGxGTgLGBBxwhJY4HTSBcVPxS4MI/6GNASEVOALwLnVLNoMzPrnUrCfgqwFCAiVgKTCuOeBO4DRuW/TXn4q4Dr8+3l+THMzKxOKgn7McCawv2NkordP/cDdwG3AxfnYXcAR+fbRwMv2Mo6rWSam5v7dI3g5ubmepduNiBVEvZrgdHFeSJiQ759OLATMB7YBZguaV/gXGBXSTcCO5N+EKyKugtD2PLF1AdLGLa2ttLe3t7lH7DFca2trXWu3GxgqiTslwNHAEjaD1hVGNcGPA2sj4h1wGPAWOBA4IqImAbcmx/Dqqi7MOzuz2FoVk6V7Hq5BDhE0gqgAZgpaS6wOiKukTQNWClpE9AC3AC8ArhCEsBfAO++YmZWRw0D5bznktojotfz1frc7T5XfPU0NjbS1tZWs+WNGzeORx99tGbLM6sFSUREj1c5GvQHVdng1dbWVvtjJMxKyqdLMDMrAYe9mVkJOOzNzHppMB4H4j57M7Ne6m4X5oG6E4db9mZmJeCwNzMrAYe9mVkJDIk++1ruPz1u3LiaLcvMrFoGfdj3dUPIQN2IYmbWH9yNY2ZWAg57M7MScNibmZWAw97MrAQc9mZmJTDo98axwWvC3MvZ5/xlNV2eWVk57K1u7rxgdu3PZ7/AF02zcnI3jplZCTjszcxKoMduHEnDgEuBicB6YHZErC6MPxOYAWwCzomIJZK2A64CRgHPAO+KiL/1Q/1mZlaBSlr204GRETEZOAtY0DFC0ljgNGAycChwYR51IrAqIg4Evg18qIo1m5lZL1US9lOApQARsRKYVBj3JHAfqQU/itS6B1gFjM63xwDPVqNYM7NaaWxs7NPVqIA+zdfY2Nivz6eSvXHGAGsK9zdKel5EbMj37wfuAoYD5+ZhjwCHSroLaAQOqFK9ZmY10dbWVvu9xfpRJS37tfyjlQ4wrBD0hwM7AeOBXYDpkvYFPgWcFxGvInXvfLd6JZuZWW9VEvbLgSMAJO1H6qLp0AY8DayPiHXAY8DYPLxjbeAh0tqBmZnVSSXdOEuAQyStABqAmZLmAqsj4hpJ04CVkjYBLcANQCtwuaT3ASOAk/unfDOz/jHUjvBuGCgX8JDUHhE1W54vXlJ/tX4P/J5bbwyWz6ckIqLHDn+fLsHqypeUNKsNh73VjS8paVY7Pl2CmVkJOOxtQGpubu7TQSvNzc11rtxsYHI3jg1Ira2t9S7BbEhxy97MrAQc9mZmJeCwNzMrAYe9mVkJOOzNzErAe+OYmW3BUDrC22FvZtaFoXaEt7txzMxKYEiHvY/CNDNLhnQ3jo/CNDNLhnTL3szMEoe9mVkJOOzNzEqgxz57ScOAS4GJwHpgdkSsLow/E5gBbALOiYglks4CDsuTjAV2jIgdq128mZlVppKW/XRgZERMBs4CFnSMkDQWOA2YDBwKXAgQEZ+NiIMj4mDgAeDdVa7bzMx6oZKwnwIsBYiIlcCkwrgngfuAUflvU3FGSccAbRHx46pUa2ZmfVJJ2I8B1hTub5RU7P65H7gLuB24uNO8HwX+Y6sqNDOzrVZJ2K8FRhfniYgN+fbhwE7AeGAXYLqkfQEkvQp4rNi/b2Zm9VFJ2C8HjgCQtB+wqjCuDXgaWB8R64DHSBtkAaYB11evVDMz66tKjqBdAhwiaQXQAMyUNBdYHRHXSJoGrJS0CWgBbsjzqXDbzMzqqGGgnJ1NUntE1LsMM7OtUuuzXkoiIno8F7MPqjIzKwGHvZlZLw3GM+oO6bNempn1h8F4Rl237M3MSsBhb2ZWAg57M7MScNibmZWAw97MrAQc9mZmJeCwNzMrAYe92QCxePFimpubGT58OM3NzSxevLjeJdkQ4oOqzAaAxYsXM2/ePBYuXMiUKVNoaWlh1qxZAMyYMaPO1dlQ4Ja92QAwf/58Fi5cyNSpUxkxYgRTp05l4cKFzJ8/v96l2RDhs16aDQDDhw9n3bp1jBgx4rlhzz77LCNHjmTjxo11rMwGOp/10mwQaWpqoqWlZbNhLS0tNDU11amirdPdicK6+6vnicK21oDf5tLe3j4g/l75yle2m5XVokWL2sePH9++bNmy9meeeaZ92bJl7ePHj29ftGhRvUuruhQ7Q0s937+cnT1mbN1DvuPPYW9lt2jRovYJEya0Dxs2rH3ChAlDMujb24dm2E+YMKF92bJlmw1btmxZ+4QJE/p92ZWGvfvszayman0lp1qo5zYX99mbmdXIYNjm0uN+9pKGAZcCE4H1wOyIWF0YfyYwA9gEnBMRSyQNBy4AJgH/ApwdEdf2Q/1mZnU3b948Zs2a9U/HSQykXWcrOahqOjAyIiZL2g9YALwVQNJY4DRgd2AUcAewBDgeGBER+0t6KfCO/ijezGwg6Djwbc6cOdx99900NTUxf/78AXVAXCVhPwVYChARKyVNKox7EriPFPSjSK17gDcDqyT9CGgA5lStYjOzAWjGjBkDKtw7q6TPfgywpnB/o6Tij8T9wF3A7cDFedgOwB7AkcDngK9vfalmZtZXlbTs1wKjC/eHRcSGfPtwYCdgfL7/Y0nLgUeAayOiHfi5pFdWq2AzM+u9Slr2y4EjAHKf/arCuDbgaWB9RKwDHgPGAi2FeSYCf65izWZm1kuVtOyXAIdIWkHqf58paS6wOiKukTQNWClpEynkbwB+DnxJ0so8z3v7p3wzM6uED6oys5oaigdV1ZMPqjIzs+c47M3qoIxnhbT68pWqzOqgtbV1i+PczWH9wS17M7MScNibmZWAw97MrAQc9mZmJeCwNzMrAYe9WT9pbGzs0+6VQJ/ma2xs9POzLfKul2b9pK2traa7UHYEaa0M9ec31Lhlb2ZWAg57M7MScNibmZWAw97MrAQc9mZmJeC9ccz6yYS5l7PP+ctqujyzLXHYm/WTOy+YXftdExfMqtnybHBxN46ZWQn02LKXNAy4FJgIrAdmR8TqwvgzgRnAJuCciFgiqQF4ALgnT3ZzRHy02sWbDXS1PBBo3LhxNVuWDT6VdONMB0ZGxGRJ+wELgLcCSBoLnAbsDowC7iBdoPwVwO0RcVS/VG02CPS1C8cXL7H+UEk3zhRgKUBErAQmFcY9CdxHCvpRpNY9wOuAl0r6maTrJKl6JZuZWW9VEvZjgDWF+xslFdcI7gfuAm4HLs7D/gqcGxFTgXOAK6tQq5mZ9VElYb8WGF2cJyI25NuHAzsB44FdgOmS9gV+DfwAICJaSK18n8XIzKxOKgn75cARALnPflVhXBvwNLA+ItYBjwFjgU8BZ+R5JgJ/jgh3QpqZ1UklG2iXAIdIWgE0ADMlzQVWR8Q1kqYBKyVtAlqAG4BbgSslvQXYAJzYL9WbmVlFGgbKVn9J7RFR7zLM6m6w7I1T6zoHy+tSa5KIiB67yX1QlZlZCTjszcxKwGFvZlYCDnuzOmhubu7TBbmbm5vrXLkNVj7rpVkdtLa21rsEKxm37M3MSsBhb2ZWAg57M7MScJ+9mfWJL7s4uDjszaxPfNnFwcXdOGZmJeCwNzMrAYe9mVkJuM/ezPrMF1QfPNyyNxsgFi9eTHNzM8OHD6e5uZnFixfXu6Rutbe39+mvr/M++uijdX7Gg5tb9mYDwOLFi5k3bx4LFy5kypQptLS0MGtW2vNkxowZda7OhgK37M0GgPnz57Nw4UKmTp3KiBEjmDp1KgsXLmT+/Pn1Ls2GCF+pymwAGD58OOvWrWPEiBHPDXv22WcZOXIkGzdurGNl1ecrTlWXr1RlNog0NTXR0tKy2bCWlhaamprqVJENNT322UsaBlwKTATWA7MjYnVh/JnADGATcE5ELCmM2xO4BXhxRKyrcu1mQ8a8efOYNWvWP/XZuxvHqqWSDbTTgZERMVnSfsAC4K0AksYCpwG7A6OAO4AledyYPO36fqjbbEjp2Ag7Z84c7r77bpqampg/f/6g3Tjb3NzMnXfeucXxW9plc8KECT7Xfz+pJOynAEsBImKlpEmFcU8C95GCfhSpdY+kBuArwMeAH1SzYLOhasaMGYM23DtzYA88lfTZjwHWFO5vlFT8kbgfuAu4Hbg4D/sU8KOI+N+qVGlmZlulkpb9WmB04f6wiNiQbx8O7ASMz/d/LGk58C7gAUmzgB2BnwAHVqdkMzPrrUrCfjlwFPCd3Ge/qjCuDXgaWB8R7ZIeA8ZGxO4dE0j6E3Bo1So2M7NeqyTslwCHSFoBNAAzJc0FVkfENZKmASslbQJagBv6r1wzM+sLH1RlZjaI+aAqMzN7jsPezKwEHPZmZiUwoE5xLKneJZiZDUkDZgOtmZn1H3fjmJmVgMPezKwEHPZmZiXgsDczKwGHvZlZCQyoXS/7g6SDgfdGxLGFYTcBLwCeIv3gjQM+HBHX16PG3qrgOY0A7gVOj4hHCtPcASyPiPfXtOAKdX5ekt4OnA08BDwWEccUpv1bROwo6cQ8zd4RsTaPuwq4LCJuqmX9WyJpAnAe6f3ZFrgOODufPPDfga8Be0TEg3n6s4HjgAfzQ2wPXBUR8yV9C3gpsCvwTJ5mVUTMqd0zqkx+P78P7BUR9+dhnwV+R7reRcf5trYFPlO8yt1AJOksYBrpuh3tpOt1XA3sFhHteZoRwD2kK/s9Rvocnlp4jIuBoyNi19pWX+6W/QkRcXBEHAi8HTi/3gVVQcdz2h+4nvSFAkDS/qQzlr5R0ugtPcBAIelY4KPAm4A/A1MkHb+FyV8AfKFWtfVGvprbVcAZETEV2A/YCzglTzIb+CLwnk6zXpDfy4OBScBJkl4UEe/Mw75RmGbABX3BM8DX8wWNih7NtR8EvBG4rItpBgxJrwKOBg6JiEOBj5B+pP8AHFSY9GhgWUSsAR4BDuq4/oek4aT3si7KHPZFLyedrnnIiIhvAa+TNDIPOpnUClkCvLtuhVUgh/pcYFpE/F8efBbwH5Je1sUs3wSaJB1Zqxp74a2kL/89ABGxETgB+Jqk8UAjcC5wfG4VdmV70tra0zWot9qWAY8C3a1NjgH+0tE6HqAeAnYh/ei+NCLuAPYFvkp6PzucxD8aWRuAm4BD8v1DgRtrUm0Xyhz2V0haIekBUhDOrHdB/aANGJuvBzwF+BGpNXJqt3PV1wGkVm4jm3czPgh8AljYxTwbST9gF0ravt8r7J2XAH8sDoiIJyLiGWAW8LXcCrwZOKYw2VxJP5f0R+DbwOyIeLxWRVfZqcAHJe1RGNYo6SZJvwB+S2qIDFgR8XdSq31/4GZJvwOOJDWeDpL0fEk7ATtGxMrCrIuAju7W44Bv1bDszZQ57E+IiDcA/wm8iNRVMGTkVeIdSS2Sd5Le62uBS4CdJL2pjuV156+kltCFwJWSnvuM5rWVxyX9049VbjlfBFxaq0IrdB+wc3GApPGSDiJd0e3tkpYCrwQ+UJjsgtzF8Q7S+/j7GtVbdXm70RmkrqeO9/PRQjfqy4HjJE2pU4k9krQ7sDYiToqIXUjv3ZdI2xu+D0wnNTi+1mnW5cBrciNke9LnoS7KHPYARMSXSUE/v961VNks4KcRsYnUL3xURBwWEYcBc+h+tbqeVkfEuoi4hNTfO6/T+PcCZ7L5pTI7XEL6Qr2xf0vslWuBwyS9Ap7bgHcB8Grg1oiYmt+XfYEXS9q7OHNE3AZ8Friq+MM32ETED4EATuxi9OOkjZnb1LKmXtob+FKhW/T3pGtzbyR15cwgBf6VxZly19R1pB+G79es2i4M+b1xskMl/bpw/yWdxp8O/FbSlYPoIuldPacrJD2Z7/8FeL+k1wANEXFnYdrvAl+QtHPHXhID1EnAb0hfqKsgrU7nK6X90xcn791yEptfOrOuImKtpHcDX81hPRr4IWmvjq92mvxyUuv+wU6PsTDvtXMq8F/9X3W/OYO0wR1yNw5pr5aUey8ZAAAAZElEQVSRwK+An9Wprh5FxPckNQG3SHqC1FD+UO6CWyNpW+CufL+zbwG/5h8b5evCJ0IzMyuBQbtaaGZmlXPYm5mVgMPezKwEHPZmZiXgsDczKwGHvZlZCTjszcxKwGFvZlYC/w9NXGgvx9/IRwAAAABJRU5ErkJggg==\n", 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" ] }, "metadata": { "needs_background": "light" }, "output_type": "display_data" } ], "source": [ "#Create a chart comparing algorithms based on accuracy metric\n", "fig = plt.figure()\n", "fig.suptitle('Algorithm Comparison (** based on accuracy**)')\n", "ax = fig.add_subplot(111)\n", "plt.boxplot(results)\n", "ax.set_xticklabels(names)\n", "plt.show()" ] }, { "cell_type": "code", "execution_count": 11, "metadata": {}, "outputs": [ { "name": "stderr", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\linear_model\\logistic.py:432: FutureWarning: Default solver will be changed to 'lbfgs' in 0.22. Specify a solver to silence this warning.\n", " FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\linear_model\\logistic.py:432: FutureWarning: Default solver will be changed to 'lbfgs' in 0.22. Specify a solver to silence this warning.\n", " FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\linear_model\\logistic.py:432: FutureWarning: Default solver will be changed to 'lbfgs' in 0.22. Specify a solver to silence this warning.\n", " FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\linear_model\\logistic.py:432: FutureWarning: Default solver will be changed to 'lbfgs' in 0.22. Specify a solver to silence this warning.\n", " FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\linear_model\\logistic.py:432: FutureWarning: Default solver will be changed to 'lbfgs' in 0.22. Specify a solver to silence this warning.\n", " FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\linear_model\\logistic.py:432: FutureWarning: Default solver will be changed to 'lbfgs' in 0.22. Specify a solver to silence this warning.\n", " FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\linear_model\\logistic.py:432: FutureWarning: Default solver will be changed to 'lbfgs' in 0.22. Specify a solver to silence this warning.\n", " FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\linear_model\\logistic.py:432: FutureWarning: Default solver will be changed to 'lbfgs' in 0.22. Specify a solver to silence this warning.\n", " FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\linear_model\\logistic.py:432: FutureWarning: Default solver will be changed to 'lbfgs' in 0.22. Specify a solver to silence this warning.\n", " FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\linear_model\\logistic.py:432: FutureWarning: Default solver will be changed to 'lbfgs' in 0.22. Specify a solver to silence this warning.\n", " FutureWarning)\n" ] }, { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "LR: 0.873645 (0.012086)\n", "LDA: 0.881511 (0.008546)\n", "KNN: 0.902812 (0.012060)\n", "CART: 0.861376 (0.014547)\n", "NB: 0.818530 (0.013977)\n" ] }, { "name": "stderr", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\svm\\base.py:196: FutureWarning: The default value of gamma will change from 'auto' to 'scale' in version 0.22 to account better for unscaled features. Set gamma explicitly to 'auto' or 'scale' to avoid this warning.\n", " \"avoid this warning.\", FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\svm\\base.py:196: FutureWarning: The default value of gamma will change from 'auto' to 'scale' in version 0.22 to account better for unscaled features. Set gamma explicitly to 'auto' or 'scale' to avoid this warning.\n", " \"avoid this warning.\", FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\svm\\base.py:196: FutureWarning: The default value of gamma will change from 'auto' to 'scale' in version 0.22 to account better for unscaled features. Set gamma explicitly to 'auto' or 'scale' to avoid this warning.\n", " \"avoid this warning.\", FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\svm\\base.py:196: FutureWarning: The default value of gamma will change from 'auto' to 'scale' in version 0.22 to account better for unscaled features. Set gamma explicitly to 'auto' or 'scale' to avoid this warning.\n", " \"avoid this warning.\", FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\svm\\base.py:196: FutureWarning: The default value of gamma will change from 'auto' to 'scale' in version 0.22 to account better for unscaled features. Set gamma explicitly to 'auto' or 'scale' to avoid this warning.\n", " \"avoid this warning.\", FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\svm\\base.py:196: FutureWarning: The default value of gamma will change from 'auto' to 'scale' in version 0.22 to account better for unscaled features. Set gamma explicitly to 'auto' or 'scale' to avoid this warning.\n", " \"avoid this warning.\", FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\svm\\base.py:196: FutureWarning: The default value of gamma will change from 'auto' to 'scale' in version 0.22 to account better for unscaled features. Set gamma explicitly to 'auto' or 'scale' to avoid this warning.\n", " \"avoid this warning.\", FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\svm\\base.py:196: FutureWarning: The default value of gamma will change from 'auto' to 'scale' in version 0.22 to account better for unscaled features. Set gamma explicitly to 'auto' or 'scale' to avoid this warning.\n", " \"avoid this warning.\", FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\svm\\base.py:196: FutureWarning: The default value of gamma will change from 'auto' to 'scale' in version 0.22 to account better for unscaled features. Set gamma explicitly to 'auto' or 'scale' to avoid this warning.\n", " \"avoid this warning.\", FutureWarning)\n", "C:\\Users\\sphulse\\AppData\\Local\\Continuum\\anaconda3\\lib\\site-packages\\sklearn\\svm\\base.py:196: FutureWarning: The default value of gamma will change from 'auto' to 'scale' in version 0.22 to account better for unscaled features. Set gamma explicitly to 'auto' or 'scale' to avoid this warning.\n", " \"avoid this warning.\", FutureWarning)\n" ] }, { "name": "stdout", "output_type": "stream", "text": [ "SVM: 0.876655 (0.012404)\n" ] } ], "source": [ "#Confirgure for modelling\n", "seed = 23\n", "#Generate model objects\n", "models = []\n", "models.append(('LR', LogisticRegression()))\n", "models.append(('LDA', LinearDiscriminantAnalysis()))\n", "models.append(('KNN', KNeighborsClassifier()))\n", "models.append(('CART', DecisionTreeClassifier()))\n", "models.append(('NB', GaussianNB()))\n", "models.append(('SVM', SVC()))\n", "#Evaluate each model & store results\n", "results = []\n", "names = []\n", "scoring = 'recall'\n", "for name, model in models:\n", " kfold = model_selection.KFold(n_splits=10, random_state=seed)\n", " cv_results = model_selection.cross_val_score(model, X, y, cv=kfold, scoring=scoring)\n", " results.append(cv_results)\n", " names.append(name)\n", " msg = \"%s: %f (%f)\" % (name, cv_results.mean(), cv_results.std())\n", " print(msg)" ] }, { "cell_type": "code", "execution_count": 12, "metadata": {}, "outputs": [ { "data": { "image/png": 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\n", 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" ] }, "metadata": { "needs_background": "light" }, "output_type": "display_data" } ], "source": [ "#Create a chart comparing algorithms based on recall metric\n", "fig = plt.figure()\n", "fig.suptitle('Algorithm Comparison (** based on recall**)')\n", "ax = fig.add_subplot(111)\n", "plt.boxplot(results)\n", "ax.set_xticklabels(names)\n", "plt.show()" ] }, { "cell_type": "code", "execution_count": null, "metadata": {}, "outputs": [], "source": [] } ], "metadata": { "kernelspec": { "display_name": "Python 3", "language": "python", "name": "python3" }, "language_info": { "codemirror_mode": { "name": "ipython", "version": 3 }, "file_extension": ".py", "mimetype": "text/x-python", "name": "python", "nbconvert_exporter": "python", "pygments_lexer": "ipython3", "version": "3.5.6" } }, "nbformat": 4, "nbformat_minor": 2 }