As a teenager you no doubt slept until midday, rolled out of bed, played computer games and ate bowls of cereal. You probably didn’t shower until the evening and I’m guessing your job (if you had one) was rubbish. If you’re a student this’ll sound near identical to your life right now (except you’ll almost certainly not have a job). Ever thought you might need a kick up the backside to get yourself in gear each morning? Well let me tell you, if you’re ever going to make anything of yourself you’d better start taking the mornings seriously. Barack Obama starts his day with a 6.45am workout; Charles Darwin would go for a walk at precisely 7am; Immanuel Kant would drink 2 cups of weak tea and meditate. However the most effective morning ritual has got to be Patrick Bateman’s in the movie ‘American Psycho’. From a thousand stomach crunches to an Armani tie, Bateman took pride in his appearance and kept to a tight schedule from which you could learn a lot. You can see him in action here, and we’ve put together a step-by-step product guide…
1. Soundtrack for the abs
First thing’s first – whack on some Huey Lewis & the News or Phil Collins. You’ll need something for the morning workout and the 1980s has it. Bateman recommends ‘Hip to be square’.
2. Facial cooling pack
Unless you’re under 10 years old your eyes will be puffy just after waking up. No-one wants to leave the house looking like a newborn puppy so it’s essential that you get an ice pack on them as asap as possible. Teabags and slices of cucumber are for girls. Wear it while you work out.
3. Briefs that hug you
For the workout you’ll obviously need to admire your muscles at the same time as getting maximum flexibility. So you shouldn’t wear anything more than a pair of cotton boxers. Err on the side of tight fitting.
4. First drink of the morning
After working out, hydrate. Don’t bother with tap water – it’s full of estrogen and, more importantly, it’s free. Bateman likes San Pellegrino, which is stuffed full of minerals. Have a 24 pack in the cupboard because you don’t want to get caught dry.
5. The Bateman shower
Now it’s time for a shower. You won’t be sweating because you’re in such good shape, but it’s imperative you still look after your skin. It houses a magnificent machine. Plus, it’s important to take the time to marvel at your naked self. Follow this procedure closely:
a. Deep pore cleansing lotion
Apply a deep pore cleanser. This one, from Jock Soap, fights oil and bacteria, calms inflammation and costs just $20.
b. Water activated gel cleanser
Next for the water activated gel cleanser. When activated by water this cleanser transforms into a sleek, silky wash that frees skin from all impurities. If you think it’s expensive at over $30 I should tell you it’s made with Manuka honey, which you can’t even buy for less than $15.
c. Honey-almond body scrub
This is your opportunity to linger a bit longer massaging those abs and bulging biceps. Be liberal – it’s made with real almond and honey and costs less than $7. Bateman swears by it.
d. Facial exfoliating gel scrub
Now it’s time to use a facial exfoliating gel scrub like this one with green leaf extract, vitamin E and grape extract, for around $5. When you exfoliate you remove old, dry skin and as far as I’m aware dead skin cells never made a successful trade on the stock exchange. You’ll look younger and more radiant (in a good way, not like Jacob from Twilight).
e. Facial masque
When you’ve finished in the shower, apply the facial masque. Ok, so Patrick Bateman uses a mint masque, but this superfruits facial masque contains EIGHT super fruits, so it’s really bloody amazing. After 10 minutes peel it off like snakeskin, you absolute python.
f. Aftershave lotion
Facial hair is sloppy. Unless you’re working in a comic store, a hippy café or you’re homeless, shave. Afterwards use a good quality aftershave lotion like this classic from England. Oh, and don’t bother using it to strengthen your coffee – Bateman only uses the alcohol-free stuff.
g. Moisturizer
There is no ‘most important’ stage to Bateman’s morning routine. Having said that, moisturizing is probably the most important thing you’ll do all day. The only thing worse than dry skin is obesity, so fork out $17 for this nourishing cream which contains minerals all the way from the Dead Sea.
h. Anti-aging eye cream
You’re not going to look young forever and while there’s not much you can do about a receding hairline or deteriorating memory, at least ensure your eyes stay youthful. Who’s going to invest in your business if you look like one of those people in the third world that National Geographic always photograph (you know, the ones with loads of wrinkles because they’ve spent too much time outside)?
i. Moisturizing protective lotion
Last of all, slap on some moisturizing protective lotion. What’s the point in looking like an Adonis if the sun and wind are just going to mess it all up? Plus, you’ll need to protect yourself from all that money people are going to be throwing in your face. It’s like a condom for your beauty. And it costs less than $8.
6. And the rest…
Once finished applying the protective lotion Patrick Bateman’s ready to throw on a fresh pair of boxers (remember, nice and tight), shirt, tie, pinstripe suit, and Rolex. Here’s what else you’ll need for the day:
Undershirt
White cotton and hugs your contours like a race car.
Red suspenders
Because your pants will be so heavy with money.
Axe
Even though he lives in an apartment in New York City Patrick Bateman has an axe. So should you.
Clear raincoat
Protects expensive clothing well against the mess you might make chopping people up using the aforementioned axe.
