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$20
$20
Lazy-as-Fuck Reading Glasses
Also good for looking down your own shirt. Ladies.
As we all know, it’s incredibly difficult to sit up in bed while reading. With these magic prism glasses, you can enjoy 50 Shades of Gray while focusing on more important things, like wondering how your life came to this dazzling low point, or stimulating your prostate whilst picturing yourself safe in the strong arms...
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$100
$100
Xtreme Pong Sports: BasketPong
Be the "Michael Jordan" of Alcoholism
Beer Pong just got athletic, so you can stay ripped while you pwn some fucking n00bs, teabagging everyone’s cups like it’s going out of style. Hope you aren’t afraid of heights because these cups just got VERTICAL. The last time balls got forced into this many holes, Kobe Bryant ended up in court! And was...
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Prepare for your day like Patrick Bateman
As a teenager you no doubt slept until midday, rolled out of bed, played computer games and ate bowls of cereal. You probably didn’t shower until the evening and I’m guessing your job (if you had one) was rubbish. If you’re a student this’ll sound near identical to your life right now (except you’ll almost...
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$80
$80
Retro flip clock
Wake up feeling like Don Draper
Of course this is a great idea… stop thinking. You like flip clocks, right? You like looking cool and impressing people? Your inhibitions are low? Treat yourself to some style for once, Hank Chinaski
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$25
$25
Moon cup
Look mum, no hands!
I slept through most of my biology classes at school but I do remember hearing that once a month the moon bleeds from various canyons it’s deposited across the female population. Using fallen pieces of the moon scientists have fashioned ‘moon cups’ – a novel way to collect this moon juice. I don’t know what...
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$7
$7
$100 bill toilet roll
Live the life you've always dreamed of
Treat yourself this drunken stupor by putting a few rolls of these in your cart. I don’t care how many drugs your mom took in the 70s, you are a capitalist and nothing will make you feel better than walking out of the toilet having just wiped your ass clean with $2000 (dependent on your...
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$25
$25
Steering Wheel Desk
Driving just got exciting.
Driving to work is boring. Apparently. I’ve never held a job long enough to drive to the office. However, my liquor store commute is now a thing of beauty. Goodbye shitty top 50 radio stations, hello laptop gaming. Driving down the interstate? Nope, you’re in Skyrim. On a horse. As everyone knows, drinking seriously improves...
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$20
$20
Self diagnosis for hypochondriacs
The complete manual of things that'll probably kill you
Hypochondria is a virus that affects an as yet indeterminate number of people. It’s not nice and, like aids, it makes you particularly vulnerable to every single disease in the universe – regardless of whether that disease actually exists. I’ve probably got it, you’ve probably got it. So get this manual and read about everything...
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$15
$15
Bear Paw meat handlers
Barbecue like a man ... well bear. Like a Manbear.
These meat claws make barbecuing like a girl a thing of the past. Use them to flip your meat, use them to skewer your meat, eat off of them and you my friend are a goddamn beast. A great gift for that special man in your life.
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$400
$400
Human water walking ball
Jesus had one, you should have one
A waterproof water ball for walking on water. It’s 2 meters high and you can walk on water. You can walk on water… imagine the possibilities – you only get an hour of air in there though so imagine quick possibilities.
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$25
$25
David Kirsch fitness boot camp DVD
Get a bum like Klum
To be honest, until about 10 minutes ago I’d no idea who David Kirsch was. Turns out he’s a fitness trainer who’s responsible for making hot people look even hotter. In your case it’s likely that the old adage ‘you can’t polish a turd’ may well apply. It’s worth a shot though. Shove on this...
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$20
$20
Obol, the never soggy cereal bowl
Long live crunchy cereal
Listen carefully, step 1. put your cereal in the top bowl, step 2. put milk in the bottom bowl – MIX JUST BEFORE YOU EAT! Not all at once, dummy. Salsa + chips = BOOM! Oreos + Milk = BOOM! …BOOM!
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$10
$10
Douche bag/enema
Keep your privates looking sharp
Even if you don’t use/touch them very often (which I do), it’s always a good idea to keep your genitals/butt nice and clean. I read somewhere that people who use enemas are more likely to get promoted at work. It’s also pretty fun to get your friends to wash you out with beer (ideally not...
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$25
$25
Thomas the Tank playhut
Get your social life back on track....
I’d love to own a train. Not a dangerous train, like the trains in ‘the taking of Pelham 123’, ‘Source Code’, ‘Unstoppable’, ‘Broken Arrow’ etc, but a friendly train, like Thomas the tank engine. Thomas has a smiley face and he’s safer than Matt Damon’s big, strong arms. You can put this playhut in the...
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$8
$8
Fat calipers
Remember when they used to call you 'fatty'?
Let’s face it, the chances are you’re probably fat. 64% of the US adult population is overweight and alcohol isn’t exactly slimming. Don’t get down about it, though. It’s the New Year so get off your fat arse, do some exercise, and track your progress with these fat calipers. If you’re not fat, well done....
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$24
$24
Teroforma Whisky Stones
Fed up of watered down whisky?
Alright, you’ve got some whisky, you want to drink it but it’s hot outside and you Americans like your drinks cold because you hate flavour. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? Luckily you’ve got your reusable whisky stones in the freezer, chuck them in your whisky and they won’t...
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$12
$12
Lifesize inflatable monkey
A friend who won't steal your beer or stop you taking drugs
An inflatable monkey standing over 5 ft tall may not be top of your sober wish list, but that list’s full of pointless things like ‘get a job’, ‘take a shower’ and ‘quit drinking’. And if the friendship of an inflatable primate doesn’t sound fulfilling enough then why don’t you go hang out with some...
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$20
$20
Navel piercing kit
DIY piercing for the recession-conscious
Remember the first time you got drunk with a friend and asked her to pierce you? Re-live the good old days, except this time pierce your navel and do it with a proper kit so your stomach doesn’t look like Keanu Reeves’ when that scorpion bursts out of it in The Matrix. Bottle of whiskey...
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$45
$45
Dinosaur jumpsuit
funsie in a onesie
If you wish you were still a baby and only had to put on a single item of clothing in the morning, we’ve got just the thing for you. This soft fleece onesie is adorned with pictures of sexy dinosaurs guaranteed to get your partner’s juices flowing and a butt flap for easy access when...
Prepare for the apocalypse
Sooner or later the apocalypse’s sure to arrive. We think sooner. Ok, so it didn’t really show up on May 21st 2011, but there are big hopes for 2012. Unless you’ve invested in an iron man suit, a spaceship or built yourself a nuclear bunker, you’re gonna feel like a bell-end. The following items will...
